

### The Great Shiva. The Fearless One. Memoirs of Final Nirvana.

### By

### Oday La Kingsavanh

### Published by Oday La Kingsavanh at Smashwords

Copyright 2020 Oday Kingsavanh

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your love, beloved. Namaste.

This memoir continues from Memoirs of Aum. The Romance of the Gods. The Eternal. Book 2. It recounts the journey of my final liberation from form.

Following working on the manuscript one afternoon, I tried napping, after not getting good sleep the previous night, and thought about exercising on the treadmill later. Getting good rest before working out would help me run faster and longer. However, I couldn't nap despite my efforts to relax.

"Just 30 minutes," I said. "I just want 30 minutes."

An image of what Jesus said to Krishna "You got a good one," emerged, which led to recalling Quan Yin and Vishnu mentioning this along the way, as well. It brought a deep realization, at the moment, and it jolted my core completely, almost bringing tears to my eyes. Krishna had always loved and wanted to be with me since I was young (approximately five years old). He'd informed of this before, as well as led me to remember. Though it was moving, I didn't think much of it. It all came together like pieces of puzzle that day.

"I can't believe it," I said, deeply touched.

"Since before you were born," he said.

Before I was born?

Straightaway, I was in a room in Laos, and saw myself as an unborn in my mother's womb, looking angelic and bright light shining above while I was in a very light, purest white energy. It was nighttime, and the wind was strong. When I glanced around, at ceiling level, I saw Krishna lying sideways, observing his flute and watching.

"Do you see it now?" he asked.

"I see it now," I replied.

Jesus and Buddha were there, too, waiting and standing in midair.

No wonder they always show up. Where's Vishnu?

The God of Maintainer was far heavenward in his abode, lying on his multi-headed serpent in brilliant light, watching. Quan Yin was further away, and Brahma was at his abode, sitting on a pink lotus seat with the clearest light around him. Lakshmi sat on a pink lotus in a red and gold sari further in the distance, along with Rama and Hanuman. All the Gods and Goddesses who had been with me in this journey were there from the start, awaiting my birth, though I wasn't sure why this was being revealed.

"At least Shiva wasn't around," I said suddenly.

Swiftly, I was at empty dim space, looking at myself at approximately 6 or 7 months old, lying in the womb calmly with my eyes open, in clear water, with the clearest light reflecting above. Shiva appeared, wearing tiger skin skirt wrapped around his waist, without a shirt, heading towards me. He was muscular, with a white crescent moon tucked in his matted hair, and held a trishul. He then sat in a meditation pose and raised his palm, transferring his clear, very light, purest white energy into the unborn.

"Why is he doing that? How come others God aren't transferring their energies? What's he doing?"

Other Gods weren't around. I watched until he finished. Afterwards, he was formless, walking away with his mighty weapon while I was this truly clear, untouched, purest glowing white energy. Then a little trishul appeared in my hand.

"What the heck? Am I his extension? His incarnation? No way! Jesus Christ! Is this why Sean always calls me Shiva? Is this why Jesus came into my dream when I went to bed in rage, telling me to calm down and saying I destroyed everything?"

Then the meditative scene switched to when I was close to be born, and witnessed my deceased frail grandfather in his monk outfit who sat, observing, as if he couldn't keep his eyes away. It moved me, seeing him; I cried.

"I love you so completely, so truly and deeply, Grandpa," I said, then saw my late grandmother and a couple of older siblings sitting around. My grandpa and grandma had become my parents when my late mother and father left for Thailand. My childhood was joyful and adventurous.

When I came out from the womb, the Gods bowed. Shortly, a series of images befell of when I'd crawled, walked, run as toddler, and as a six-year-old until I was a teenager, young adult, and then an adult. Throughout my life and before my birth, Krishna was always there. He never left my side, watching the whole entire time, in midair. It was if he could hardly keep his eyes away and couldn't be apart from me. Sometimes I'd see Vishnu with him, though the Maintainer would return to his residence.

"Oh my gosh," I said, truly moved and in disbelief.

"Do you see it now?" he said. "You're always my Goddess. Do you see it now?"

"Yes, I see it now. I was always yours," I replied, in tears. "I see it now. I was always yours."

It looked like everything was put together over what Krishna did and said through this journey. For instance, his love note, which he shot through his flute that was written on old paper, reminding he had loved me since, and when he said he "couldn't be away" and "had waited," as well as when Quan Yin mentioned that Krishna had chosen me. Now it all made sense. Everything tied in together.

Soon, I was in light blue energy, and saw Vishnu wipe his tears up in his place, as if he was deeply proud and, in a way, had lost me. I was vulnerable seeing him in that state, so I flew to the Maintainer.

"I love you so truly, so completely, and so deeply, my love," I said (although couldn't say I was his anymore), kneeling in front of him quietly.

"You are Krishna, now," he said. This time, he didn't say I was Krishna's, or that I was with Krishna. Immediately, I understood.

Suddenly I was back into the open, beyond the clear cloud with light blue mist everywhere, realizing it was Krishna's energy (or mine). Abruptly, I soared incredibly high.

"Woohoo!" I yelled. "I Am!"

I was stunned, once I opened my eyes regarding my birth, at how I came about, and who was with me. It was truly beautiful, as I never knew it and could never have possibly imagined it. This was a grand revelation and I was unsure how to grasp it.

"I can't believe it," I said. "Wow."

After I had a little snack, I headed downstairs to exercise and barely made it to 5 miles running. Then I cooked a spicy noodle soup, reflecting on the meditation and Shiva, the only God I hesitated to accept completely. It could be that, deep down, my realization that I was he had happened long ago; however, I'd thought nothing of it, didn't know how to, or was afraid to accept it, and maybe needed more revelations to have complete acceptance and remembrance. This wasn't the first time it was shown to me, though not in this way, as I truly saw it now, with my own eyes. It was if I couldn't deny it, though that didn't mean I still didn't want to. Along the way, somehow, I'd brushed it off, despite the fact that Sean had mentioned this numerous time, even before I knew who Shiva really was. Regardless, I had to truly come to it myself. Vishnu had, on a couple of occasions said of this, though my resistances kept me from truthfully accepting it; however, I never came to uncover it like this.

"No wonder he never shows me how to destroy," I said. It was already me. Somehow, it felt like I was born to write these memoirs; to go through the transformations I had undergone in order to share them with everyone.

Many years ago when I was living in the apartment with Sean a year after giving birth to Santi, one night, he and I engaged in a huge conflict where I became profoundly enraged like I'd never known or had experienced (you could say, in this entirety). Almost everything became black as the energy of wrath overcame me, completely. My whole and my all was this rage itself full blown. In hindsight, it was, at the moment, as though something had awakened inside me; it felt as if I could destroy all, without fail. It was unbelievable how severe it was, as my entirety was 'it'. Afterwards, I was shocked, and realized how destructive and harmful I could be.

A few more incidents to share with everyone while reflecting on the revelations of my origin. One day, Sean prepared for Fall because cold weather was near. He mowed the grass and gathered leaves from the front and back yards for the last pickup from the city. He'd mentioned a couple of times that he was going to cut the marigold flowers a week before, as cold temperature would damage them; however, I'd told him to let the freeze do the job. He, without letting me know, cut the marigolds (which I had consistently cultivated over the summer) on that day, even though they were still blooming beautifully along the side of the garage and the deck area.

It was a little garden for my relaxation, and almost daily, after Santi was dropped off to school, I'd sit on the wooden deck, enjoying the serenity of this well-taken-care-of garden. Amid witnessing the flowers being destroyed to mere dirt by his trimmer, I became hugely upset and cried, shaking.

"You! You! You cut my flowers! You!!" I screamed pointing my finger at him as the fiery energy of rage rushed all over my veins. I didn't know what to do, as I couldn't believe what he had done. He saw how distressed I was, and he profusely apologized. At the very instant, it felt as though I could destroy him into pieces. He sat quietly.

"I will never do that again," he said. "I will ask you next time."

He was supposed to clean the gutter in front of the house that day, too, but refused, afraid to climb the ladder.

"I'll watch you," I said after I calmed down, still a little upset, though.

"After you just got mad at me? How would I dare to go up that ladder?" he said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Are you kidding me, right now? You're Shiva! You're extremely powerful and you don't know how to control your own power."

"What do you mean?" I asked again.

He shook his head as I didn't have a clue, and truly didn't, though I was a bit conscious of it. Even more so, I was afraid. Often when Sean called me Shiva, it was an insult, and I'd feel bad about myself and the raging force existed in me, although I thought of it as though he was comparing me to Shiva, and not that I was the God of Destruction itself.

Another time when he and I had a quarrel, Santi got involved and yelled at me, as well. Sean grabbed Santi's hand, walking him away and asking him not to make me anymore upset, saying, "You don't know who you're dealing with."

When I couldn't find spicy peppers one evening while cooking, again I got angry at Sean. I thought he'd thrown away the peppers I saved in the freezer, after reminding him on couple of occasions not to.

"Did you throw away my peppers? Did you?" I asked, irate. "Why did you do it? Why?!"

"Who in their right mind would take Shiva's stuff? Who in their right mind would ever touch Shiva's stuff?" he said.

"I found it," I said, after searching in another corner of the freezer. It was on the side bar of the fridge, camouflaged with other food items.

"Why do you always call me Shiva?" I asked. Often, rather than have an acceptance of it, I disregarded it, not wanting to face or go deeper into it and didn't have full remembrance of who I was. When a friend through social media sent me the God of Destruction's pictures, I'd say, before deleting them, "What the fuck?"

"Because you are! You have to know that by now," he responded. At times, during our verbal altercations, I'd say instantly (without thinking, as it naturally emerged), "I can destroy you; tear you down in pieces!"

"You can," he replied. "You don't even have to blink."

He went as far as to tell me I was Shiva's 'incarnation' on one occasion, which, of course, shocked me a bit despite the fact that deep down, during the whole process of my journey, I had some remembrance of myself as Shiva, though I wasn't sure how to go about embracing, that the Destroyer was the deep seed of my blood and veins. Shiva was the first God, when I first saw him either in meditation or at a Hindu temple, I accepted myself as he - instantly, immediately, and without any reminders, as if I had recognized myself.

Even when accepting it now, I shook a bit, and found some excuses for this. For instance: I said 'maybe it was this or maybe it was that', following the big disclosure. Now it was revealed this way, it was doubtlessly a big discovery to digest, though I accepted it as much as I could.

However, there was no difference in me from anyone or anything. I was La Kingsavanh, the here and the now, the eternal moment, with no identification or attachment; the energy of love - All.

Before showering, following eating the spicy, salty noodle soup, I put on a Buddhist chant. It happened to be: 'Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sumbuddhasa', with a different screen picture that I didn't recognize until it played. It chanted differently, though. When I finished showering, I applied moisturizer on my face and closed my eyes. A vision of standing on the snowy clouds immediately arose. I was surrounded by Buddhist monks and Buddha.

"The fully Enlightened One! The Truly Awakened One!" I heard as I stood with one hand in front of my chest. Then I went to my bed, about to put my underwear on, I sat there in tears.

"It's complete enlightenment. This is complete Nirvana," I said; then little later, said, "I love so much. I love so badly. I love so indescribably."

Soon, another flash ensued. This time, I ran down the middle of golden Buddha statues on both sides, filled with light gold air. I wasn't fully in form, but as golden energy. It seemed endless as I kept on, touching the idols with both hands and running in slow motion.

"The Fully enlightened One!" I heard. "The Exalted One! The Truly Awakened One!"

Shortly, I came upon a black/gray door and opened it. It was the same on the other side: full of golden shimmering Buddha figures on two sides. Continuing I arrived at the biggest golden, gleaming Buddha statue not too far ahead, behind a luminous golden Buddhist temple with a brilliant golden light in front of it. When I was directly before it, I entered the light and sat in it as the radiant gold energy.

"God. The Most High. The All Powerful. The All Knowing. The All Existing. God. The All Powerful. The All Knowing. The All Existing," I heard. Energy started twisting and churning inside and it got immensely overwhelming.

"Krishna!" I said. He appeared.

"It's you, now," he said. "Go through it."

"God. The Most High. The All Powerful. The All Knowing. The All Existing. God. The All Powerful. The All Knowing. The All Existing. God. The All Powerful. The All Knowing. The All Existing. God. The All Powerful. The All Knowing. The All Existing."

"I will go through it," I said as I held on amidst the energy turning strongly, overpowering me. As I kept going, I saw myself shoot into the immaculate sky in golden light.

"Supersoul!" I heard. I opened my eyes, then stepped downstairs to drink water, and ate a sugary cookie, enduring the strength of this force.

Later at night, before I fell asleep, Krishna sat on a golden throne, and I walked toward him.

"Ever since," I said, referring to his love for me.

"Ever since," he said. Shortly, I found myself strolling on snowy light whereas he was in midair, watching.

"My love."

"My love," I said, treading, smiling, and flirting, as if we just met. He made pink lotus flowers fall and, similarly as I walk, pink lotus flowers grew underneath my feet as my walking path.

"Two boys, one girl," I said. It started all over; the eternal beginning.

"Two boys, one girl," he said.

"Let's get started," I suggested, so I lifted myself to midair, took my clothes off, and rolled. He was right in front of me, directly.

"Let's get started," he said. I smiled.

"You're the only God for me, from beginning to end," I said. You're the most incredible God, truly the most incredible. Nothing can compare to you in this entirety.

At night, it took very long to fall asleep, as I pondered on the revelation. It never occurred to me to wonder who I was before I was born, as I never thought of myself of being anything of significance throughout my life. As a matter of fact, I felt the opposite; although now I was 'no one and everyone, nowhere and everywhere' - One, All. It was deeply unbelievable how Krishna had never left my side. When I shut my eyes, I found him standing in dim void. I hugged him.

"Why?" I asked, wanting to know the reason my birth was revealed now, and not before.

"You couldn't and wouldn't have been able to handle it, then," he said. "It is done, now. Accepting yourself is beautiful; the most beautiful thing."

"You have waited," I said.

"I'd wait for all eternity for you," he said, stroking my hair. Of course, his love moved me, deeply. "You are the purest; truly the purest of all."

Abruptly, I found myself on my knees and putting my head on the floor in indistinct mist in front of Jesus, Buddha, and the Gods and Goddesses.

"Thank you, my eternal beloved. Thank you so deeply, my eternal beloved," I said, for their help and guidance.

"The purest one," they all said. "Gold Soul."

Then I found myself lying in a golden air, swinging my index finger back and forth, playing with it. Krishna came and lay nearby, doing the same thing. I grabbed his hand before climbing on top of him.

"You're the only love in me so deeply, so truly, and so completely," I said. No words and language can describe. "I want to be pregnant, this time."

"We'll do whatever you want, my love. Whatever you want," he said. I opened my eyes from meditating.

The next evening, I took a nightly stroll through the neighborhood before dinner. The weather was warmer, and everyone was trekking with their dogs, jogging and riding bikes, enjoying the pleasant evening. Many people were ready for spring following a long, winter hibernation. Though I processed the discovery of my birth, as well as loving Krishna; I was deeply in love, and smiled, at times. Just five minutes until I was home, after an hour of walking, I cleared the physical in front of me, unsure of how to explain this, since the physical was still there. Maybe I could say that I was looking beyond it to see if Krishna was watching, like he had been. To see all in infinity was 'God eye', as Lakshmi had put it.

The Divine God was in midair, watching. I beamed in awe.

"I can't keep away," he said.

"I can't keep away, either," I said. He played his flute, making pink lotus flowers descend as I walked, no different than in meditation. It brought tears to my eyes. Then he was everywhere: as my walking ground, sky, trees, and as the entirety itself.

"You are All," he said.

"I am All," I said.

During my shower, with my eyes closed, I saw that he and I held each other.

"I'm so happy, deeply happy, to be with you eternally," I said. "So deeply happy."

He shed tears. "My love." I wiped them.

"You are my everything," he said.

The following day wasn't too different: I was in love, and of this love. However, for a tiny bit, I questioned Krishna's affection, wondering if he'd still love me if I was just La Kingsavanh, even though I was just La Kingsavanh, with nothing attached to my name or face. Did he also watch other Goddesses and couldn't keep away, since everyone was he? It was, no doubt, an insecurity of mine.

In the afternoon, I cleared the physical and saw him reclining higher. This brought cheeriness to my face. The inside and outside was one and the same; there weren't much difference in myself. The Gods and Goddesses were there; I bowed and thanked them once more. After not getting a good night's sleep the night before, I attempted to rest, and couldn't. A vision of Shiva emerged: he sat on top of the clouds with brilliant light shining around him. He was porcelain white, with a crescent moon on his hair and King Cobra circled his neck, holding the trident.

He raised his palm, and immediately I raised mine. The spotless, purest white energy shot from both of our palms and met in the middle, aligning as if they came from one another. Afterwards, I was truly soft, and flew to him, falling onto my knees.

"I accept, I accept, my love," I said. "I accept. I completely accept."

Then I rolled on the gentle vapors, touched, saying, plenty of times, "I accept, I accept," until Krishna appeared. Shiva stood up.

"She's all yours," he said. Krishna lifted and carried me.

"It's the most beautiful thing," he said, referring to self-acceptance. This was the greatest acceptance of myself.

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

"Just be with you," I replied. Soon, he left. Meanwhile, by myself, sitting on cottony smokes, I made trees then green grass appear on Earth, and observed them. Abruptly, I snapped my fingers and they disappeared. Momentarily, I did it again: pink and white cherry blossom trees existed everywhere on white clouds. I got up to spectate in astonishment then making a hammock tied to the flower trees, then lay on it. Krishna arrived, admiring the garden full of beautiful peach blossoms, blooming nicely.

"The most beautiful," he said, looking my way.

"Come here!" I said. He didn't, right away, so I flew his way, landing on top of him.

"I like this," he said. I was tricked again. I looked away and pouted a bit. He touched my chin.

"Let's end the memoir here, my love," I said.

"We'll end this one here. Whatever happens after this will be in the next one," he replied.

"Krishna!" I said, not wanting to write anymore, and burnt out after having written lengthy Aum series.

"You're sharing all of this lifetime," he said.

And the next.

"We'll do it together. I'm with you every step of the way. Your words are mine," he said. "You are my beloved wife."

Near bedtime, I looked beyond the physical. Krishna was transparent everywhere before I was next to him, clear and translucent, as everything together. His energy was all around, as if I could have him and be with him eternally, here and now. It was a shade overwhelming. This was my consciousness, so I let it be. It was as if I could have the entirety here and now, in one, instantly.

"You can handle this," he said.

"I can handle this," I said, feeling his face. "I have returned to you. I have completely returned to you."

Universally was Krishna, Love, God, Self - everything was eternal, as if I never went anywhere, but was here endlessly and continuously. Krishna and the Gods and Goddesses never left but were eternally present.

When I reached Nirvana, everything was here and now, as well, but now Krishna and I were one in union, as if I was balanced of both, God and Goddess. Everywhere I was, was filled with eternal love, and presence; as if I was in paradise. Once again, there weren't any verses to define the magnificence of Oneness, eternal peace, and silence.

One particular afternoon during my relaxation, tired from exercising and not getting enough snooze, I missed Krishna deeply, as if I'd die without him.

"I love you so badly. I love you so, so badly, Krishna," I said. It was to where I'd die endlessly for him, as I was deeply, unspeakably in love. An image of entering in the dark atmosphere emerged, and I saw that Krishna held a vast mountain of some sort in his hand, in the air. People were on the ground, watching. He threw the heavy mountain my way, and I suspended it in the sky, then gently lowered it to the ground. He strode past as I watched him, walking ahead.

"I love you so badly. I can't be without you at all, not even for a bit," I said, crying.

Abruptly, I was transparent as the whole atmosphere, observing Krishna in a golden outfit, riding on a chariot and heading towards the battleground. He was in me, as I was the Universe; see-through. He was going to see Arjuna; however, the entire time, my eyes didn't look anywhere, not even for a tiny speck. I was watching him, transfixed on him and loving him deeply with no end. It didn't matter who or what was nearby, I wasn't able to keep away, as nothing could compare; as if nothing existed: just him. There were men, chariots, and other things, though they didn't matter: he was the only one who had all of me, infinitely.

"Oh, my gosh. He's my heart, my Soul," I said suddenly.

When he rested in the tent with both of his hands underneath his head, I watched and wanted to touch him, reaching my hand down as if I couldn't help it. It was if I'd die unendingly if I was apart from him.

Even when he was about five years old, playing by a quiet lake with others, I could only focus on him and absorbed in him.

"Do you get it, now?" he asked, showing that this was how his love was for me.

"I'm sorry to doubt you, even for a bit. I'm sorry, my love. I get it now," I replied. He came from behind, transparent. I turned around and put my forehead on his.

"I choose you," he said. "You're my beloved."

"And I choose you: over and over, I choose you," I said.

That evening, I took Santi and his cousins for an Easter egg hunt at a family gym facility. I was smiling and in ocean of calmness. Regardless of my fatigue, the next day, the kids and I attended another Easter egg search event. We didn't get lots of eggs, so I tried looking for more Easter festivity to go to, before attending Santi classmate's birthday bash. There wasn't any in the local area; we ended up at the library, instead.

At the party, an image arose of Krishna and I lying in midair.

With both hands supporting my chin, I beamed brightly with wide eyes, waiting for Krishna to be born. He was playing with my hair and touching the side of my cheek as I looked straight ahead, awaiting his birth, although my complete attention was with Krishna by my side.

"Nothing can compare to you," he said. "You're my princess, my Goddess."

"She has accepts herself," Vishnu said to Shiva sitting on pure clouds in a bright light.

"She has," Shiva said, as I was surrounded with a very light, purest white energy from before my birth.

Finally, Krishna was born. He was in immaculate, utmost, ultra-perfection golden energy with an untouched, flawless, big white halo around his head.

"He's pure God," I said, suddenly observing the infant Krishna closely, then looking at the Krishna next to me. "You're a gift to entirety. You're the greatest gift to this entirety."

From the moment of his birth, Krishna was already the Supreme, Powerful, and Ultimate God; the God of all Gods. My jaw dropped, to witness the birth of the Absolute. Everywhere and anywhere, Gods and Goddesses, trees, rocks, moon, sun, and skies, and everything and anything bowed to his greatness.

I turned to him, again stunned. "Wow."

"What do you want to do?" he asked, touching my chin. It didn't matter how he was born or what was around: the only one he couldn't keep away from was me.

"Whatever you want to do," I said, and couldn't believe he was my eternal, beloved husband.

"Let's see," he said. I chuckled, putting my hand over my mouth.

"Yeah," I said.

Although I was somewhat nervous to accept myself completely, I was much more so as days passed. Some days were easier than other days. Somehow, I found a way to excuse what I came to even though it was uncovered clearly. Krishna was right: I wouldn't have been able to accept my origin if it had been revealed before. Thoughts, conditions, and what I had been taught and learned would have hindered me from embracing this. It was, without a doubt, an enormous exposure to take.

"This sort of thing happened long, long ago," I said, running on the exercise machine even though there wasn't a long, long ago (but at the same time, there was, since I'd put it there). An image of the Dalai Lama surfaced to support with understanding, encouraging me to be more accepting. After I showered, I lay on my bed in low spirits, worn out from writing and not getting plentiful of sleep. The book (Memoirs of Aum) was truly long, and I'd had to divide it into three parts instead of one book. Making changes to the manuscripts also incurred some sort of tenseness and stress on my body. After all: I had been writing the memoirs for a long while, documenting everything as it happened even amidst enduring tremendous transformations.

A vision developed of treading on clear ground with light golden air, before I saw Krishna playing his beloved instrument under a tree, with at least three women in their saris admiring him. I walked by, not saying anything. Shiva appeared higher, see-through in spotless climate, watching. Krishna showed up next to him, observing me heading toward a one-story white colonial house with a few flower baskets hung on the front porch.

"She's your Goddess," Shiva said.

"I can't let her go or be anywhere without me," he said to Shiva. Krishna vanished as I lay on a porch rail, sad and low. Accepting myself meant I was moving forward, leaving behind big parts of who I was. In me, now, was this entirety, as if I was pure presence of Self.

"You're my Goddess," the Destroyer said.

"Yes, my love. I accept," I said. "I accept us."

He saw my tears; he cried, wiped his tears, and wiped mine.

"You're the most beautiful Goddess ever to take form," he said. "The purest being."

He observed for some time as I lay unmoving, filled with sadness. Somehow, it seemed that I was upset with Krishna, too. Later, inside the house full of golden air, when I was lying down, Krishna appeared in front of me. I turned to the other side. Again, he appeared directly from me, I tossed the other way. It was the same.

"What?" I said.

"Go through what you need to go through," he said. "I'm always with you, going through it with you. You have my Soul, completely. You have my all."

He held me, and we lay for some time before Vishnu arrived next to Shiva, watching Krishna and I.

"They couldn't keep away from one another," the Maintainer said to Shiva.

"They just couldn't keep away," Shiva agreed.

"This is our paradise," Krishna said, caressing my face. "It's you and me now, my love. No one else, nothing else: just you and me, my love. Okay?"

"Okay," I said.

Abruptly, I was treading in vibrant golden light, with the sun shining, going toward the ocean to the other side of it completely. The Destroyer showed up as the Universe, became see-through as well as the air I strode on. A Thai song I liked suddenly played, and I danced to the tune, accepting myself. I was Shiva as well as La - one. Oddly, there were bubbles floating with me, in it. I popped them all. Then I was on the beach. The sand was wet. I made a bucket manifest and collected seashells. When Krishna showed up, it almost put tears in my eyes, as I was immensely softened by his presence.

"You are my Soul, completely. You're mine," he said. "You're mine. I can't be anywhere without you."

No doubt I was afraid to be alone, being where I was, as there wasn't anyone or anything else besides Self. Now that Krishna was with me eternally, I wasn't alone anymore. It was as if I had found my Soul, though he was here with me all along, hadn't gone anywhere, and had never left. He was always with me, in me, as myself.

I glanced at him and noticed he was without a shirt. I grinned inside. He appeared that way to entice me, unsure how to elaborate on it. It also seemed that I caught on quickly, with him.

"My love," I said.

"My love," he said. I stood up, took off my clothes, and ran. He chased me down.

"You know I can't resist you. Not even for a second," he said.

"Is that right?" I said, gazing at him, incomprehensively taken by this affection. "I surrender to you completely. I surrender my all to you, eternally. There's just you in me. You're the only love, in me."

It was unbelievable how I come to submit to Krishna again and again; however, it also meant that I was letting go of something, too. The next couple of days were unchanged, though I found ways to distract myself by watching series of dramas after another. Although a couple of them were about the romance of eternal love and the theme songs fit nicely with what was happening with me, this powerful love could only continue, without end. The romantic stories, of course, brought smiles to my face, as they were very close to the love of Krishna and I, although one night, before bed, I broke into tears.

"I'm purposeless. I am so purposeless. I am so, so purposeless," I sobbed. It appeared that the more I let go, the more meaningless, aimless, selfless, and unattached I was. Whatever I did or said was even purer than before, with no hidden meaning or agenda behind it. It was absolute. If I was angry, I was angry. If I was sad, I was sad. Nothing was around it. However, I noticed I was a bit more anxious, complaining and yelling at Sean if he misplaced something.

"What's going on with you?" he asked.

"I'm pms-ing," I said, although something else was transpiring, inner changes were taking place also.

"Then be mindful, La," he suggested. "I don't like getting yelled at."

After using the restroom in the middle of the night, I tried falling asleep, but wasn't able to, right away. A flash surfaced, of heading toward Vishnu, who was sitting at his abode, and lounging on the multi-headed serpent.

"I love you so badly. I love so indescribably," I said, crying, wanting to make love with him truly and deeply.

He touched my chin. "Still mine?" he asked.

I sat blankly, realizing that I wasn't anyone except the one God who played the flute.

"I'm Krishna's; only Krishna's," I replied. Immediately, I was in front of the Divine God, resting in gold energy. He was moved by my love, as I'd left everything behind including the God I truly loved.

"You're the greatest," he said.

After hearing good rumors on the new Asian restaurant that had just opened, I called to order my favorite foods, although they kindly informed that the dish I really enjoyed was only served on weekends, because not many customers ordered it.

"How do you know? You just opened!" I asked. She replied that she didn't, so I complained over this matter to Sean, my sister, then my friend; yet I listened to what was going on inwardly. There wasn't any purpose to who I was; just pure being-ness, without much thought. There wasn't significance or insignificance to who I was; I was just what was - the Eternal Moment.

The following day while sitting quietly on my bed, suddenly I missed Ganesh, my best friend. After I had been solely with Krishna, I hadn't seen my beloved friends.

"I miss you, Ganesh. I miss you so much," I said. Promptly, an image appeared surpassing snowy clouds, and I saw Ganesh sitting in midair, with Brahma and Quan Yin, all three of my very dearest of friends. I fell onto the vapors and rolled back and forth in front of Brahma, like a twelve-year-old girl playing.

"You all knew," I said.

"We all knew," Quan Yin answered.

"You have waited," I continued.

"We have waited," she replied, with cries running down her face.

"Quan Yin," I said, and went to her.

"You're my best friend," she said.

"And you're mine," I said, and hugged her.

I glanced at Ganesh and said, "Let's play!"

The sky turned dark swiftly. Krishna came and talked to Brahma. Ganesh flew far to kick the soccer ball my way. He then rapidly kicked approximately a thousand white balls at once. My anxiety rose, didn't know how to catch them all. As they headed my direction, I got sweaty and my heart started racing.

"Krishna," I said softly, wanting his help, but realized straight away that Ganesh was helping me confront my anxiety.

The previous night, I had a dream of a Hollywood movie star who strode into the house with his shoes on. They were caked with dry and wet dirt. I freaked out, yelling after him and trying to clean up at the same time. Almost everyone knew I was a control freak about taking shoes off before entering the house. Friends and family members were made aware to be respectful of this; otherwise I'd be anxious, even though I had gotten better over the years. This could stem from combination of things, including the culture and how I'd grown up. What had been done could be undone by confronting and understanding it here and now. In addition, when I attained enlightenment, every emotion I experienced was in totality, to the max, absorbing the experiences in full capacity, as if I had no control, but had to go through it.

The soccer balls sped closer. I closed my eyes, making a net appear behind me, to catch them. He kicked more, another thousand. However, there was one coming in at full speed, which increased my nervousness, unsure of how to handle all at once. The ball hit hard on my side.

"Ouch!" I yelled, while numerous charged in my direction. This time, I closed my eyes, transforming them into pure white flowers. He kicked more. On this round, I turned all into energy, and they un-existed and became air. I opened my eyes.

Sean took a mini vacation during Santi's spring/Easter break. We ventured to another town to visit the new Krishna Hindu temple, and planned to see other Hindu temples, too. It was nice to get away after a lengthy, bitterly cold season.

Krishna temple wouldn't be finished in a couple of years; we were informed after we arrived. I didn't really read details regarding this. Seeing the architectural pictures displayed on the internet had heightened my eagerness to visit, and I'd even invited my friend and her family, along with my sister's family, to come. They'd declined.

We decided to stopover at the Hindu temple not many miles from the location we were at. Sean chose to stay outside, and Santi didn't want to go in, playing at the playgrounds with another kid instead.

"This temple doesn't like Krishna," Sean said.

"Why?" I asked. "Krishna is the Ultimate of consciousness."

"I don't know," he said.

Meanwhile we were on the big beige/white rectangular-looking temple stone yard, I headed inside by myself. It seemed something to do, though it didn't matter if I did go or didn't go. It made no difference. I took my shoes off, placed them on the brown wooden shelf, then headed up another level to where all the deities were. The smell of Indian food as I made my way caused my stomach to growl, and I browsed to see what food dishes were available, maybe I could have my lunch there despite my plans to eat at the usual Chinese restaurant that had the most delicious smoothies (to where you would travel many acres for them). The first deity I saw was Shiva. It was many years ago I was at this very temple.

"I love you so truly, so deeply and so completely," I said, choked in tears. It was liberating to embrace myself and not walk by his statue like previous, after having a spark of realization that I was he. This temple revered him. I understood why I was there, to accept myself as I had initially although this time, I was much more conscious, with a greater awareness and remembrance of who I was.

Then I made my way to Ganesh's idol, then Krishna's. No doubt I was vulnerable to see his black, small idol holding a flute way back at the corner and told him how deep and infinite my love was for him. He reached down to touch my chin.

"My love," he said.

Afterwards, I strolled outside, but Santi was interested to go inside, so I took him for a tour. Following our lunch, we were on our way to spectate another Hindu temple. Krishna's old temple was small; a two-story white house. We were going to pass it again if we took another route to the highway, but Sean didn't want to drive that way.

"How come there's no temple just for Krishna?" I said.

"I don't know," he responded.

"I want to build the biggest Krishna temple, for meditation," I said.

"That's stupid," Sean said. He thought it was a place for worship.

"It's for meditation, mindfulness, awareness, and understanding of oneself deeper. It's for understanding one's own consciousness, and facing and accepting oneself," I replied.

We reached the location. The temples were newer. One was built with pearl white marble and the other of carved wood, with exquisite detailed designs. The little one was excited to go in with me this time. We took a tour before shopping for things Santi wanted at the gift shop. Immediately before we headed into a tunnel toward another temple, we saw the Aum mark.

"That's the Aum symbol, Santi," I said.

"Aum is the name and sound of God," he said.

"That's right. It's you," I said. "It's also the name of Mommy's memoir."

Afterwards, we entered the small gift store. He wished to buy a Ganesh statue to put in his room, and books on Ganesh and Shiva. We also purchased one with Krishna's picture on the cover, though it wasn't really about him. We just grabbed a couple of books without looking at them carefully. When I saw Shiva's idol on the shelf, I thought of buying it. Inside me there wasn't any hesitancy, fear, or resistance anymore. It was natural and clear.

On the way home, I felt bad for not buying Rama's book after I'd grabbed and looked at it before putting it back. It seemed I went back and forth with things, lately. After informing a man at the door at Krishna's temple that I was going in to see the inside, but didn't, when I came out to the car, the thought and desire left almost instantly. Then I felt bad, since I'd actually wanted to go see it. So, I allowed myself to feel this emotion totally. Something else was happening within, though I was unsure what.

At night, once changing into my pajamas, I cried.

"I don't know what's going on," I said. It seemed that I was lost again. In the morning, Santi woke up, wanting me to read the book on Shiva to him. Even though the Gods appeared in my meditation, I'd never really read any books about them only briefly, on the internet, to understand my meditation a bit more.

My only son followed me into the bathroom so I could read while sitting on the toilet. We read a bit, but it was complex, he and I didn't understand much. He asked me to read it again, at least three times. Of course, I understood instantly that he was also aiding my acceptance of myself. He never was interested in Shiva before; only Krishna, after he asked Sean who Krishna was when I bought a statue and, later, prints of him and Shiva, for Christmas gifts. He thought the God of Destruction was a 'bad guy' for destroying, and told me I was one, as well, since I was he; which made me feel awful of myself, back then. Afterwards, I had to speak to Sean of this matter. He was the one who informed Santi that I was the Destroyer.

"Does Shiva destroy, Mommy?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered. "He destroys so that new things can begin and transform."

"Brahma creates, Mommy," he went on.

"Yes, my love," I replied. "The name of the book is Om Namah Shivaya," I said. Then he kept repeating it like a mantra. "It's Mommy's name, my love."

Following breakfast, I headed downstairs to exercise on the treadmill. There was a small window in the exercise room. Immediately, when glancing outside, I put cherry blossoms in the yard.

"Oh my God," I said, moved. "I can't believe it."

Krishna appeared higher, playing his flute. Tears filled my eyes in disbelief that I was able to do what I did in meditation. He grabbed my hand to go up with him.

"Thank you so much, my love. Thank you so much for bringing me up here to be with you," I said.

"There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you," he replied. Soon we were on smoky clouds, observing the village of my childhood in Laos, where I grew up until crossing the border to Thailand to be with my late parents. I was approximately seven years old.

"You miss it," he said.

"I miss it," I said. "I want to visit it, Krishna."

"We will," he replied. "We will, my love."

I kept exercising and ran close to 7 miles. At night, I dreamt I was in the form of Shiva, reminding me not to be afraid of myself. Amid walking, I dissipated whatever was in front of me into nothingness, telling myself again that I was the Director and Creator. As I was here, everything was here.

Oddly, I still saw the razor blades inside my mouth from time to time, and irresolute of what was happening until I had a chance to meditate before bed. Strangely, I was in the kitchen of the old apartment again and found myself cutting my corpse apart piece by piece. Later, I put those parts into a bucket and boiled them in a pot of hot water, then dumped them down the drain then hitting the switch. I kept on until I was finished. Then a pail full of razors appeared. I dumped them into the drainage and hit the switch, crushing it all down.

Standing in the kitchen, I said, "I'm letting it all go, now. I'm moving on. I'm going to be with my husband now, Krishna."

In the morning, I sat on brown wooden chair looking outside, sipping coffee and putting white/pink peach blossoms in the yard, which had a peaceful pond of koi fish. Later, I put pink lotus into the ponds where they bloomed magnificently below the radiating sun then making elephants walk by. I smiled, watching. Ganesh abruptly showed up. I was touched.

"Hi, my love. My best friend," I said, waving. He vanished.

It looked as I could have everything, where I was. There was no point A to B.

An image developed of being in the rundown apartment. This time, I was cleaning and tidying things up: making beds, washing windows, and fixing some bathroom tiles that were close to falling. It felt as if I was leaving everything behind, in peace and harmony. Sometimes I'd lie in bed, looking out the window like I was when I was a teenager living there. Krishna was in the air in gold energy, watching. Later, I wiped clean more windows and hurt my finger with a sliver. Little blood dripped. Right away, I understood that another condition needed to be healed, or what I was going through would sting.

"Ouch!" I said. He immediately came, took my hand, and kissed where it hurt. He made a band aid appear and wrapped it around my finger, then hugged me afterwards. Shortly, I was in porcelain, soft clouds, sitting in beaming, glowing golden energy.

The God with the flute walked my way, sat next to my side then entered me. Moments later, I stood, with a flute in my hand, I played it. He appeared everywhere, playing the musical instrument.

"Who you are," he said.

"God," I said.

Sean was going to put up the shelf in Santi's room the next day, for Ganesh's idol. Santi informed he wanted Buddha, as well.

"Do you want Mommy's Buddha?" I asked, showing him the golden Buddha figure, I purchased many years ago which sat on Sean's dusty, wood dresser.

"No, I want my own Buddha," he replied.

"That's good, my love. You get your own," I responded.

Without a doubt, I was uneasy. It'd be a mess, drilling holes in the wall. I'd be asking Sean how he was going to do it and how he was going clean up the dust. This was an opportunity to dissolve the anxiety head on, which I did with what I could. I went in the bathroom whereas he drilled, allowing the emotions of anxiety to flow through me as I noticed and watched. When he finished and I was done showering, I didn't go check to see if he had vacuumed everything. It seemed I had let go of it much better. Before, I'd inspect closely and if I saw specks of dirt, I'd ask him to wipe them sparkly, and would go on and on regarding how he needed to do it a certain way, to prevent the carpets from getting dirty with dust everywhere.

Somehow, I still found myself in the old house during meditation. My nephew played with his tablet upon my entrance. It seemed he'd made himself at home, aiding my understanding to be at ease with where I was. He vanished, but my late mom appeared. I headed to the bathroom and took a bath in a big, brand new, white, modern bathtub.

"Are you staying?" she asked.

"No. I'm everywhere. I just like living here," I responded. "I have to go soon. Krishna is waiting."

The ceiling tile I fixed was dropping, so I made another attempt at fixing it by reaching up my hand to seal it together, but it kept lowering.

"Krishna," I said after a couple of tries.

"Let it drop!" he said, and I did. Traditional Laotian wear was inside clear plastics, falling one by one. There were at least five skirts in gold silk.

"Beautiful," I mumbled.

"Are you going to wear it?" my mom asked when she saw me placing one of the outfits in the hanger on the door hook.

"No," I said. "It's too thick for me. I have my own."

I went by the bed and put on a short sleeve, see-through, completely clear shirt and pants. "This is mine."

"It's so sheer," she said.

"Very, very," I said.

My deceased mom and other people were in line in the living room as I made my way out, thanking them all.

"Is your husband picking you up?" she asked.

"Yes, he's waiting outside," I said.

"He's a good husband," she commented.

"He's the best," I replied, walking out of the house, and saw that Krishna waited in front yard.

"Are you ready?" he asked when I came. "This is forever."

"I'm scared and nervous," I said. "I love you. I can't be without you. I belong to you and with you, my love."

He placed his arm around my waist and flew us high. He made a comb manifest in his hand and was about to brush my wet hair when we were beyond white vapors.

"No," I said. "I will shave it off."

A black electric razor popped into my hand. I sat and shaved my head bald. Afterwards, I was no different than a monk in my sheer attire, although I was neither five nor twelve years old, but in my late teens or early twenties. It seemed I had grown rather quickly.

"You sacrifice so much," Krishna said.

"I sacrifice everything," I said. You could say I sacrificed all to have all and be all, confronting myself for years and centuries of lifetimes.

Momentarily, I found myself flying over the city at night, then took off the see-through dress.

"You're taking it off?" Krishna asked, even though he wasn't with me.

"Yes, I will put it on when I want," I said. Now I was bare, with no suit, only pureness and truth. Then I turned into energy, unseen, before the whole city transformed into the unseen. Soon I transcended the whole universe into purest, clearest, untouched white air.

I stood, observing everything which had transcended into One.

"Everything is transformed," Krishna said when he arrived. "Only purity."

"Everything is transformed," I said.

Shortly, I was behind him as he was writing something. I covered his eyes with my hands, then putting my arms around his neck.

"What are you writing?" I asked. He wrote 'Love' transparently on white paper. "Love."

I took the papers, walked around, and threw them into the universe.

"Love," I said, throwing them. "Love. That's all there is. Love. Love."

"You are the most beautiful," he said, heading to where I stood. "Complete perfection. The most perfect for me."

Abruptly, I was in front of a wormhole. I flew in. It was a long one, though it seemed like I was traveling through it in the forest (despite the fact that there wasn't one). It looked like I was going to the other side again. When I finally I came through, I had clear white wings and was wearing the sheer clothing. I took them off.

The blue God was already there. He put his forehead on mine.

"This is our paradise," he said. "Our world. The Nirvana."

It seemed that nothing was final without him. I made shiny, shimmering stars cascade on golden air, then soared to lie on it, playing the golden flute. He came from behind, took it, and flew off.

"Give it back, Krishna!" I said, soaring after him. He got away. "Get your own!"

I made at least a thousand golden flutes exist, then extended my arm, and grabbed one that flew into it. It was deeply breathtaking, as if I couldn't keep my eyes away. The gold was immaculate, flawless, and untouched; completely, deeply beautiful. No lyrics could describe the magnificence of this musical tool. It had two golden hanging strings with either hearts or some sort on each end, like a balanced scale.

"The purest Soul," he said when he returned, watching me observing the instrument. "My Soul."

While looking at him, and feeling vulnerable, I embraced him in disbelief. He vanished. A tall, golden, luminous crown appeared on my head. This time, it fit perfectly. It didn't drop from my head all the way down to my body, nor was loose or tight on it, like in the past.

"Balanced," I heard. Krishna, in midair, rode on a white horse and wore a golden shiny crown. I sped to him, riding behind just for a few seconds then went to sit, facing him.

"My queen," he said.

"My king," I said. Then I leaned over on top of him.

"My love," he said.

"My love," I said.

We lay relaxing after we made love. The thing with Krishna was that he never had forgotten himself, and now I didn't forget myself.

"Be with me through eternity," he said.

"I'm with you for all eternity," I said.

"Forever," he continued.

"Forever," I replied.

For a couple of weeks, on and off, I thought of sending the memoir to the editor, but didn't. The thought came and went, like wind. On top of it, I was still undergoing transformation, and wrote everything down. Then, finally, one day, I emailed her, informing that the memoir was nearly finish and I would send it in a few days. Without question, I was nervous, and had been every now and then. This memoir was a big exposure of who I was, and to let go of it was huge. I was uncovering and baring myself completely. At the same time, my menstrual was late. I began thinking that possibly I was pregnant, and if I was, I wasn't definite how I was going to share insights and wisdom with others in addition to raising children, even though I wanted one more child.

That day, my energy was unsettling. It was difficult to stay calm. I shook a bit. When I finally let Sean know I might be carrying a child, he didn't want to go into it. He was dealing with his car not getting repaired properly.

"Do you think it's the book?" I asked.

"It's probably your book," he said.

I left downstairs to jog, uneasy, as fears began to gradually overtake me. Moreover, if I was pregnant, there was a possibility the child might not be healthy, which meant it'd consume my time completely. In addition, letting go of the book and exposing myself in every aspect induced more terrifying fears. Once I got on the treadmill, fears fully developed from every angle, and I was being crushed down by all at once. Inside, it was as if I was suddenly being pulled to the deepest abyss of fear.

Oh, my God! I'm so scared! I am so scared!

Then I continued running, increasing the speed and facing the trembling agony. The energy of fright amplified, absorbing my skin, veins and bones without end, as if I was in the eternal depth of the ultimate terror. Then, I finally screamed loudly.

Come at me! Come at me! For I know no fear! I am not afraid! I am fear itself! I am not afraid of me!

Afterwards, I cried, breaking down hard. Something much more than that was taking place, after the fears of being pregnant and letting go of the book were gone. It became absolute energy of alarming fear, without any type of association. The only way to face the unspeakable storm was to walk into the mighty wind and let it take me, dead or alive.

"Come get me! I welcome all! I welcome me! I know no fear! I am God!!"

Soon, I screamed for Krishna as I was getting crushed, and saw an image of him entering me, saying he was going through it, as well. Then I recalled what he said before: for me to go through what I needed to go through. This was what he meant. Another vision surfaced: he and I sat in a room with golden curtains, on a bed. He wore a golden outfit with a gold turban on his head and a few different colors of garlands adorned his neck. We got married again.

"I'm so scared, Krishna!" I shouted, understanding more where the fears originated from. "I can do it! I have done it before! I can do it again! I can do it all! I am God! I am God!"

By allowing the energy to pass several times, as I was with it, it settled just a tint later. Once my exercise was done, I sat on the couch, allowing everything come through to be with it again fully. It didn't matter if the child was healthy or not, if I was pregnant, I'd love it infinitely, just like anything else. For certain, I was afraid of the powerful love inside; to love so indiscriminately, hopelessly, and blindly, without bounds. To let go of who I was, any kind of attachment at all, was to love so purely, transparently, and indescribably, with no words: just complete nakedness with no conditions.

When I came upstairs, Santi ran to hug me, trying to get away from doing his homework. He wanted me to hold him, and I did so while he stood on a chair. Then I headed inside Sean's room to call my sister, to see if she had a pregnancy test kit. She suggested waiting a few more days to get an accurate answer. Still trembling, I ascended the stairs to shower and put on a Buddhist chant - 'Buddam Saranam Gacchami'. Without surprise, I melted once more, in dread.

"I lost everything! It cost me everything! It has cost me everything to be with you, Krishna!" I screamed.

A flash arose of lying on white clouds where he and I had been previously. He sat on the golden throne almost 15 or 20 feet away, in golden attire, whereas I rolled in deep distress, crying. Then I slowly turned over, and with my elbows, I crept slowly to Krishna, as if I wasn't going to make it in anyway amid the quivering agony absorbing my veins and vessels. I plopped my head down as it was truly and immeasurably challenging to go on, as energy of hurt and fear fused, pounding on me.

"She can do it!!" I heard Shiva shout from somewhere since I was his Soul. Momentarily, I gently picked myself, crawling bit by bit toward the Divine God, gathering every ounce of strength I had. At only two feet away, I stopped. The energy subsided where I could exhale. I looked at him, frowning, wanting him to pick me up, this time. He got up to come carry me, to sit on his lap on the throne. I put my head on his shoulder.

"You're with me now. We'll never part," he said.

Abruptly, we were in a room where we sat as a married couple with garlands around our necks. As I was sitting, I watched him, upset because it took every breath, life and death, to make it to him; and be with him. I lost everything and anything; what I have ever known and who I was: living and non-living in me, thoughts, conditions, attachments, desires, identifications, as I was now truly naked, without much form, but was pure, sheer, eternal truth of Self. I had less than nothing to be where I was, sacrificing all.

It was unthinkably tremendous to make it to Krishna in all ways, the narrowest doors to make through again and again to be united with Self, God, Love.

I got up and walked away, pouting; almost in some way saying, "You're so hard to be with, then I don't want to be with you."

I flew off to lie in bare space, noticing I was surrounded by clearest white light as he sat higher in his untouched golden energy, watching. It seemed as if the Universe was in halves. The purest white energy was my side, and the flawless, immaculate gold energy was his, similar to yin and yang, feminine and masculine. Same as before, I turned the other way for only a second, then looked back at him before turning away again, and then turned back. So, I stayed put briefly, not turning from him. He observed calmly, in the wedding ensemble.

"Come up here, my love," he called. Shortly, I soared to where he was. "Stay with me, be with me. Don't go anywhere."

He lifted and carried me. Vishnu and Shiva appeared higher, observing Krishna and I; they soon left. It was deeply incomprehensible to be held in his arms; nothing could compare to this love with him. It was heaven, Nirvana, salvation. It was the love I could only live and die in. He put me down. We lay looking at each other, touching each other's faces.

"You are the most perfect, truly the most perfect, for me," he said. Images of he and I holding each other appeared in the atmosphere, with golden beaming lights.

"It's just us," I said.

"Just us, no one else," he said.

After facing my depthless fears on many occasions, it was certain I became stronger, as if nothing could break or tear me down; as if I was invincible. If it weren't for the unspeakable fear, I wouldn't have realized how strong and powerful I was. At night, I watched a TV show briefly and shut it off to process, be with any lingering fears. My transformations were to be shared, with everyone. This was the ultimate gift for Self.

In the morning before getting out of bed, a flash happened of dumping the water thawed from ice, and heard Krishna telling me to let it all go until it dried. Then, an image befell of ascending snowy cloudy stairs as his Universal form, shown on my right side. Golden mist drifted, as if I was going up to God. This time, his Universal shape was so close, I could touch it.

"Make it up to him," I heard.

"I will make it up to him!" I said, and kept going. Once I made it, golden energy flowed everywhere encircling me. Nothing else was there except for it. Krishna strode toward where I was. He embraced me.

"I want to make love," I said.

"Yeah?" he said.

"Yeah," I said, then flew off into the air. He chased. Lovingly I gazed at him, feeling his Godly face. "You're the core of my being and non-being. My air."

I am this love itself.

At night, I viewed a Chinese drama, Krishna observed me higher up.

"You can't keep away," I commented.

"I can't keep away," he replied. "You're my Soul."

"And you're mine," I said, then pulled him to lie next to me, smiling. "I love you without end."

"We are each other's Soul," he said.

Each other's blood. "We are each other's joy, each other's love, each other's happiness," I said, beaming. One. "We can go all night."

Subsequently discovering I wasn't pregnant, I was a tint sad, wanting to have another child as well as wanting Santi to have a sibling. It would have been wonderful to add one extra to our family of three. He had been asking for a brother, telling me I was pregnant when I ate more than usual or whenever he remembered. So, Sean and I tried. At night, Sean and I talked to him, saying there wasn't a baby. He asked us to try again.

In the middle of giving Santi a bath, I put on Shiva's chant: 'Om Namah Shivaya.' It was liberating to accept Self, in spite of fears.

"Why are you listening to a chant?" Sean asked.

"Why not?" I said.

The next day, Santi's cousins came over. It was the weekend, and we planned to have an early birthday cake for me following lunch. Santi wanted a vanilla ice cream cake, which was what I was going to buy after finished with my exercise. Things seemed to slow down, as I was calmer following facing fears, in addition to understanding what was occurring within. On top of that, I was happy to finish up the memoir, and would email it to the editor in a couple of days. It was a relief.

Close to a couple of miles of running, I thought of how powerful Krishna's love was and how it could be overwhelming at times. His love was most absolute, incomparable, and truly and deeply powerful, which no term could outline.

Immediately, a flash surfaced, of standing in front of the golden energy where he and I were in the morning, and right away I understood it was the powerful love; the eternal silence. I flew right into it and sat quietly. Then, the enormous, powerful energy overcame me, similar to before, to where I wanted to fly off. It was truthfully formidable in every aspect, engulfing everywhere deeply. Despite this, I wasn't as wildly trembling as in previous times, as I gotten stronger, yet it wasn't anywhere easy, as I sat enduring its might.

"Absorb me! Take me! I am love itself! I am love itself!" I shouted. Just few seconds, I lay down, allowing this supreme force to come forth and overtake, as I wasn't leaving. It became unspeakably overbearing.

"I am this love itself! I am love! I am love itself!"

When it turned immensely strong to the point that I wasn't going to make it, I yelled: "Buddha! Buddha! Buddha!"

He appeared, sitting directly in front of me, and started chanting: "Namo tassa bhagaovato arahato samma sambuddhasa. Namo tassa bhagaovato arahato samma sambuddhasa. Namo tassa bhagaovato arahato samma sambuddhasa."

During his chant, I kept saying, "Buddha! Buddha! Help me! Help me!"

It felt as if I was bursting, exploding in all directions. I clenched my fists together.

"Namo tassa bhagaovato arahato samma sambuddhasa. Namo tassa bhagaovato arahato samma sambuddhasa. Namo tassa bhagaovato arahato samma sambuddhasa."

As he continued, I mumbled, "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha. The great Buddha. The great Buddha. I am the great Buddha. I am the great Buddha! I am the great Buddha!!"

In a few moments, this energy gradually lowered, I opened my eyes. Buddha bowed and I bowed.

"The fully Enlightened One," he said.

"I am," I said, with my hand in front of my chest.

Krishna was in airy clouds. He had tears. I raised myself to him. Shiva and Vishnu watched from a further distance.

"My love," I said.

"You're the bravest Soul I have ever known," he said. "You're my ultimate power."

I grabbed his hand, walking toward Shiva and Vishnu to go thank them.

"Thank you, my love," I said to Shiva, and made a bow and hugged him.

Instantly, Shiva dissolved naturally into me, as he was clearest light. I became he, though I was La Kingsavanh. However, my form was Shiva the Destroyer. I wore a tiger skin skirt around my waist and a crescent moon stationed on my matted hair. I was holding the trishul, and king cobras circled my neck and arms.

Then I bowed to Vishnu, thanking him for everything. My three best friends were higher, in brilliant light.

"My love," I said, glancing at them, softened by their presence. Shortly, I turned back into La, but had a tiger skirt on and a shirt over my upper body. My calves were muscular, and I held the trident, with brown meditation bead on my neck. It seemed I brought my thick calves with me. My soft black mane was drape to my shoulders.

"The Goddess," Brahma said.

Next, I sailed freely in midair, carrying my weapon.

"She is who she is, now," Vishnu said.

Yes, La Kingsavanh. The Goddess of love and compassion.

In a moment, I found myself lay on my front, admiring King, my beloved snake. Krishna was next to us, I kissed King on his forehead.

"It's my snake," I said. "It will be us."

King sped into vacant atmosphere. I raced after, asking where he was going, though he didn't answer. He became gigantic and swirling. Now I was in Shiva's form, flying everywhere, lifting and pointing the trident. Golden lightning strikes shot from it. It was as if I was no longer fearful to be who I was; as if I couldn't hide myself anymore.

"My ultimate power is love!" I shouted.

King sucked in the dim energy, realizing he was eating it away along with whatever remained of my fears. It only meant I still had to confront what was left of it, when it came.

Subsequently, I was in a room of thin gold air, watching a black Shiva linga, with three white lines straight across and a longer oval dot in the middle. Other golden things surrounded it. I walked to sit in the middle of a round seat, as I was light gold and see-through without form, then I got up.

I was back with Krishna; a five-year-old boy in tiger apparel and holding a trident was running on porcelain vapors. Part of his curly hair was tied up in a bun with a white cloth band. It looked like Krishna and I had a son. He was a mix of La and Krishna. When there were no clouds, he ran on energy. He was fearless.

Krishna and I lay leisurely, adoring him. Now I was in La form, donning a tiger covering skirt and my long sleeve pajama red shirt. A meditation bead adorned my neck and my black hair was lowered to my shoulders. Unsure of how to elaborate, but Shiva, in clear, light gold, a transparent non-form, was over me, as if I was inside him.

"This is the most beautiful, Krishna," I said, referring to having family with him.

"You're the most beautiful to me," he said. "Nothing can compare to you. You're the bravest Soul."

"I couldn't have done it without you; without you with me, in me, my love," I said, in tears. He was my greatest strength. He put something in his mouth.

"What is it?" I asked. "Let me have some."

He brought out a light, honey lemon candy, so I grabbed the sweet and put it in my mouth. When our son came, I put candy in his, too.

"We are family now," Krishna said.

"Yes, my love," I said.

After I completed many miles of jogging, I went upstairs, showered, then spent little time with the kids until I had to go fetch the birthday cake. It was spring, but the weather was as cold as winter. I bundled in a long black snow coat, white cotton hat, tennis shoes, and thick gloves. When I brought the cake home, Santi was upset. It wasn't what he'd wanted, despite the fact that we had agreed on it, or so I thought. He conveyed a couple of times that he'd wanted a vanilla cupcake, not a vanilla ice cream cake, although we'd talked about a vanilla ice cream cake. He watched his cousins eat the birthday treats. They all wished me happy birthday.

"Thank you," I said. "Auntie doesn't have birthdays. I don't have age. Just enjoy eating the cake, guys," then left to get a vanilla cupcake for Santi, and my favorite avocado smoothie. The places were near each other.

Despite it being my birthday celebration, I didn't think much of it, although on the way to buy Santi's favorite sweets, I did, for a moment. It was unbelievable that I was born around this time in Laos and couldn't believe my own birth. How amazing it was: how I came about and who I truly was, now that everything had been unraveled in just less than a couple of weeks ago. It was beautiful. Krishna appeared in blue skies in golden attire. He stretched downward his arm to touch my face as I was driving.

"My love," I said, and leaned my cheek on his hand.

"Your birth is the greatest gift to mankind," he said.

"Krishna," I said.

"It's true," he said.

Later, a flash developed of watching dramas during my second shower. Krishna fell asleep when I pulled him down to enjoy the Chinese series with me.

"It's a good show," I said. "Even the songs are good."

He moved here and there when I tried waking him, but he died. This meant that I was moving on, though I was a shade concerned. It was dark when I took his corpse to the countryside stream.

"It's good she can let me go in that way," he said.

My heart fell instantly hearing this, not too certain what was happening. Suddenly he appeared, formless, playing the flute on the boat. This nearly moist my eyes, thinking I had lost him. When extending my arm to touch him, I couldn't. Then I found myself walking in the neighborhood street, where everywhere was light gold essence.

"You are this entirety itself," he said.

"I am," I said.

Abruptly, I was elsewhere, observing either myself or someone with black hair down to her shoulders, in an all-white dress, on a boat with an Indian man who also wore all white. The atmosphere was dim. He had three straight white lines across his forehead, and a round dot, and stood behind her, staring my way. It seemed he was Shiva. I stood in front of an ocean, looking ahead, though there was no water only far; endless flowing faint haze.

"It's time to cross it," I heard Krishna say.

"Yes," I answered, but proceeded to watch, somewhat afraid of the unknown. After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I continued paying attention to the meditation, with little fear of crossing over. Was I crossing to the other side of the ocean again, after I already had? However, there was no water: just openness and never-ending dim mist like a vast sea.

Then I saw myself fly across rapidly, carrying the Destroyer's mighty trident, with my wet hair tied in a knot. I wore a gray tee-shirt and pajama pants. Halfway over, I sighted a round, beige energy portal.

"There she goes. The bravest Soul," I heard. "The great Shiva!"

Soon, I entered the vortex and traveled through it fast. I came out of it shortly, only to find energy akin to light sand, gently spinning in indistinct atmosphere, and bulls were on the ground. I stood in dark sky, observing, and recognized that I had destroyed this before - the three worlds and they all had transcended into energy. Holding the trident, I flew around and a couple of golden lightning bolts struck. One flashed right above my head, pushing me under.

"Dang," I said.

I was inside an open cave, where there was nearly three of Shiva's brown clay statues sat in meditation. Immediately, I collapsed on my knees, deeply vulnerable after I briefly observed.

"Oh, my God. It's me! It's me! It's me, all along. I can never forget myself! I am you and you are me," I said, glancing at his figure. "I remember! I remember! I remember! I am La Kingsavanh, Shiva! Oh, my God. It's me. It's me. I remember!"

His statues disappeared. I sat as the Destroyer in the same pose. Then, I was back in midair, holding the weapon of destruction, and recognized even more that it was the three worlds I had destructed, and realized then that I was He. Images of Shiva appeared, then faded. Now I was there again, but with no division of the three dimensions. All became one.

I raised the trishul, shouting: "I am Heaven, Earth and Hell! I am Heaven, Earth and Hell! I am All! I am All! La Kingsavanh is All!"

Shortly, I saw myself in my room, wanting to cry, unsure of what had happened with Krishna. Was it the end of him and I in that way?

This had happened on several occasions when I burnt his corpse and we moved forward to something else. He appeared on my bed as gold air, formless form.

"Don't leave me! Don't ever leave," I said, holding onto his arms.

"I can't leave you," he said. "You are me and I am you."

"You promise," I said.

"You are my beloved," he replied. "I can never go anywhere without you. We are one."

He also mentioned that he was going to stay where I was, and that brought cheeriness within. At night, with my eyes shut, he flew us to lie on top of the ocean, with only drifting colorless mist. He caressed my cheek, gazing at me closely.

"There is no ocean. There are no sides," he said. "There is nothing; just you and me, my love."

Everything had come down to this: Self alone, with nothing before or behind; just complete energy that was love; the Eternal now. Energy inside me began to twist and burn, overwhelming me a bit of this remembrance.

"You can handle this," he said.

"I can handle this," I said, bearing it until it lowered.

Once we made love, Krishna lifted and carried me. We were in swirling, golden energy. He wore the golden attire he'd worn to lead Arjuna to battles.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked a couple of times after not getting a response.

"Everywhere with me, never apart from me," he replied.

"You are everywhere in me. You are all of me, my love," I said.

The day I finally emailed the memoir to the editor, I was both nervous and excited. No doubt, viewing shows would be easier than letting go by being with the intense emotions occurring. That day, I was all over the place, and didn't know what to do subsequently dropping Santi off at school. So, I cleaned the kitchen before writing quotes to post on the website.

During my free time, I was mindful of lingering feelings, or whatever emerged. By not distracting myself, I could hear more of what was taking place within. It aided my deeper understanding of why Krishna's corpse was burnt.

A flash of he and I making love surfaced. I said to him: "If you want me to be completely formless with you, then I will. I will do anything; anything at all."

He was none other than my Supreme Self: the powerful, ultimate love in me.

When my sister stopped by to visit, she talked about her friend being critical and judgmental. The thing was, I judged her as being judgmental (though not as much as before, but very little, as I was okay with many things as they were, after confronting and burning them off). Her religious beliefs led her to be closed to many things in existence. However, the truth was that she was that way was because I was also that way - we weren't separated, although I wasn't attached and had emptied myself and was truly conscious and greatly aware of everything and nothing.

All was me. One consciousness was being, doing, and acting differently in infinite ways, here and now; experiencing ourselves in all aspects. I was the cause of all causes. Everything came from and back to me - my thoughts, views, and whatever I created or put there. It was up to me to be mindful and aware, taking responsibility for myself. So, I was grateful for her complaints. They incited an awareness of any judgments or reactions that remained inside in order to see, understand, work on, and accepting of them. Once I did, this transformed into a great appreciation and love that was completely pure. I welcomed my sister as who she was, as she was the most beautiful and perfect as she was.

For a couple of days, there was nothing to do except exercise and tidying the house. Following my shower after running on the treadmill one morning, I lay to relax, hoping to nap really. A vision befell being in a semi dark hall full of Buddha carvings that were engraved into the wooden brown wall.

"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha. I'm the great Buddha."

Then images of Ganesh appeared. "My best friend, my beloved friend," I said, and ran along this hall. Shortly, I was in the atmosphere without any physical structure; just white energy similar to the Northern lights, and I found Quan Yin sitting in her white ancient Chinese dress and peacock hairstyle.

"Quan Yin," I said, and bowed.

"Quan Yin," she said.

"I am you and you are me," she said.

"Yes, my love," I said. She disappeared into me, and I sat as she.

"My Goddess," Krishna called.

"I'll be there, my love," I said, then walked toward him, hopping on his arms.

"Where are you taking me?" I asked.

"Nowhere. This is our entirety," he replied, treading in golden light that was softly flowing, mixed with whitest energy.

We lay together momentarily before I transformed to my own form, then left to go see Quan Yin. She was doing something with white lotuses with long green stems. I sat and joined her. We opened the lotus flowers from the pile she had. Done with one, I grabbed another to open it, then another and another, with no thoughts, no labels, and no perception of this or that; just pureness of the here and now and what was - while she gently and calmly observed me.

"You're so lovable," she said, referring to me as to a child.

"My love," I said, and bowed.

"You have a wonderful husband," she said.

"Yes, he is the best. Nothing can compare to him," I agreed.

Soon, our older son ran in midair before another child joined in. It looked like Krishna and I had another kid. He wasn't too different from the older one and wore the same tiger covering outfit but had a crescent moon on his matted hair and held the weapon of destruction. He had three white lines on his forehead, with a longer oval dot down the middle. King was there, and he asked him to play with them.

"A beautiful family," Quan Yin commented.

The kids played with their tridents, flying all over in the heavenly climate. Momentarily, Shiva made an appearance, standing tall, carrying the mighty trident and playing with the boys then he disappeared into me.

This time, it reduced me to tears. It was as though I wasn't anyone or anything else, but had been Shiva all along. I was unable to believe I'd incarnated. Shortly, Krishna came.

"Your husband is here," she said, then left. We observed our children frolicking.

"We still need to try, for another," he said.

"Yeah?" I said. He nodded.

In no time, I was pregnant and full-term. The boys were good, assisting me around with whatever I needed. When I rested with pillows supporting my back, Krishna would interact with the boys in the vapors. Then I gave birth to a baby girl. She had truly light blue and porcelain skin tone, with a crescent moon sitting on black downy mane, and held a small trishul. Whereas the boys played, I embraced the baby in my arms, lying on Krishna's chest. When my hair fell to the side of my face, he'd put it behind my ear.

"My Goddess," he said.

Ganesh arrived in the sky, with Hanuman.

"I love you so completely, my friend, my buddy," I said to Hanuman with my eyes closed. Just briefly, Brahma also visited. I went to the Creator, letting him know of my complete affection. Brahma was my Soul, the dearest of friends.

"Go be with your husband," he said, and left. Ganesh and Hanuman had come by to help Krishna and I with the children again. They played catch.

"Happy?" Krishna asked. I nodded.

"More than happy; eternal happiness," I said. "You're the greatest love in me."

"And you're the greatest love in me," he said. "My Goddess. My beloved."

Then I climbed on top of him. We started kissing.

"Let's go somewhere else, kids," I heard Ganesh say.

I kept coming out of my form, turning formless until I was this entirety itself as untouched, flawless golden energy. There wasn't anything else besides the completeness and purest of consciousness.

"When you and I make love, All makes love," he said.

"I can be this, I'm not afraid. I can be this all the time," I said over being unformed, since it seemed he was truthfully into it during our intimacy. "My eternity is yours, completely yours."

Suddenly an image of myself sitting and observing the quiet ocean at night came to me.

"I give you the ocean, the sun, the moon, and the stars to enjoy, my love. I give you everything. My all," he said. "You have my eternity."

"I enjoy everything," I said. "I give you the same everything, the moon, the sun, stars, everything and anything; all for you, my love."

Although I wasn't too sure, here, Krishna might have mentioned he didn't want it, as he was already all of it. So, my expression was 'darn', similar to when you're enthusiastic about giving someone something and they say they already have it. My cheery cheeks drooped.

The love inside me could move Heaven, Earth, and Hell all at once, for him. There wasn't anything I couldn't or wouldn't do.

In the sky, I saw either a statue or an image of Shiva in beige, almost glossy, sitting in meditation far away. Everything else was pure golden, flawless air. When Krishna and I talked, it was if One was talking: God and Goddess together.

Then I asked him regarding souls who wanted to 'make it' to him, if he waited for them.

"I don't wait," he replied. "When they make it to me, I will help, lead, guide, whatever they need."

He further conveyed that many souls tried to 'make it' to him, but let go of his hand. My heart sank hearing this.

Who would ever let go of his hand? Krishna is incomprehensible, indescribable, love which knows no end; the Ultimate, the epitome of All.

It was without question, and it could be truly, deeply challenging to make it, next to impossible, however, souls who wanted it could and would. For souls to make it was indeed rare.

He shared that I held onto his hand so tightly that he himself couldn't even let go.

"You love me so much," he said.

So indescribably.

"And souls who make it to you?" I asked.

"They have eternal happiness," he answered.

"With you?" I continued.

"With themselves," he replied.

In the morning, the sun reflected its rays beautifully through my bedroom window. It was warmer following the long, wintry days, and I enjoyed the cool breeze brushing on my skin, full of love for Krishna; happy to be this entirety, with nowhere to go or anyone to be: just what was here and now as Self.

During my stroll around the community in the evening, he suddenly appeared, transparent in light gold energy, to hold my hand. It moved me, unable to believe it, and it was unexpected.

"Thank you for this beautiful night," I said.

Even more so, every day and night, breath in and breath out - all the time, my heart and Soul was Krishna's, and of him. It looked as if I had transformed all of who I was into this love itself. Everything and anything, in every way and in any way - my hair, skin, veins, blood, nails - all of who I was wholly was Love, God, Self, Krishna - complete, purest consciousness.

At night, I saw myself flying in golden light wearing a white tee-shirt and gray pajama pants, carrying a trishul in my hand.

"The only God and Goddess in this entirety," I heard.

I found myself treading on water which had melted from ice. It seemed as if I had burned off another condition, which was stripping away. Then I submerged, came up wet in Shiva's form, and continued walking. Many snakes circled my neck. One squeezed it tightly and I realized, instantly, that it was fear.

"King!" I yelled. King flew from my neck and ate the snakes, and devoured more of them that were slithering close by. Then, I flopped on water and rolled.

"I am God, all along," I said.

In a moment, I went to sit on a tree limb, saw a green apple, and ate it, but spat it shortly. It froze in midair. I picked another, a ripe red one, and ate it. Abruptly, I was inside dim light, and felt like dancing. With a trishul in my hand, I did dances and even crossed one leg over the other. Inside, I missed and loved Krishna truly and deeply, as I could cry and die.

Later, I was elsewhere in soft mist before seeing Aum symbol in energy in white with maybe a blue color in it. Shiva sat in meditation, as he was also light. I sat in silence and chanted momentarily, words that instantly came: "Om Namo, Om Namo, Om Namo, Om Namo, Om Namo."

Without a clue, I knew what the chant meant once I finished. Inside was Krishna, and I deeply wanted to see him. When he showed in midair, I immediately fell on my knees before lying flat on my front and crawling to him, with a trishul, although now I was in my own form.

"My love, I love you so deeply, so truly, and so indescribably," I said. "You're my God. You're my God, the only God for me."

Love had consumed, paralyzed my core totally, in all aspects. It was countless, how many times I'd said Krishna was my God up until now. When I made it to him, I put my head on his lap, then lifted myself to sit in front of him. I wrapped my legs around his waist and put my head on his shoulder, holding the trident.

"My love," he said.

Then we were elsewhere, relaxing on air at night. He made stars exist, and they shimmered throughout the sky. A tree manifested behind us, and we leaned on it. The surrounding transformed into a valley full of nightingales and green grass. Shortly, a white cow appeared.

"A white cow? It has to be a white cow, Krishna?" I said.

I made a pink lotus flower came to my hand which symbolized my inner core, though I wasn't sure of its significance, but it was what was in me. A trishul fell from nowhere. I grabbed it before a drum, King Cobra, crescent moon, shell, horn, and other belongings all dropped into my lap.

"Dang!" I said. "I have a lot of belongings."

I put them all in a beige cloth bag.

"You are the only love in me," he said. "I love you for all eternity."

"You are the only love in me," I said. "You're mine."

Shortly, it became tremendously strong, after I said it, and I understood how powerful his love was when he told me, "You're mine." It seemed like he couldn't be anywhere, or with anyone; just me. As I was truly, deeply his, it looked like I couldn't do anything else, and was unsure how to explain. It became as if I couldn't truthfully be without him at all: he became my air, my living and dying. Brahma was right: he was my 'twin soul' or 'twin flame', the one I couldn't undeniably be apart from.

"He's mine!" I said. Suddenly I was by myself in darkness, shouting.

"You're mine! Krishna! You're mine! Just mine! No one else! You're mine!"

I spun with the trishul. Golden lightning powerfully struck throughout, charging everywhere. The louder I shouted, the more forceful the lightning bolts were, as if One, the entire Universe was yelling.

"Krishna! You are mine! You're mine!"

He came shortly, walking towards where I was, meanwhile, I continued spinning the weapon.

"I'm yours!" he said. "I'm yours, my love, from beginning to end! I have loved you through many lives and deaths, for all eternity!"

"Promise!" I said. "You promise me! Promise me!"

I bellowed louder, and the golden lightning strikes flashed stronger inside the empty Universe, far and wide, as if nothing could stop me.

"I promise!" he said. "I promise. You are my only love, my wife, my Soul, myself!"

Then I calmed. He came to hug me. I peered at the immaculate golden trident.

"It's powerful," he said. "You're a very powerful force."

The trident was a great weapon that could destroy anything in one blow. It had been with me for so long. When Krishna carried me, I had all my belongings. My drum hung on the trident, a cobra circled my neck, a crescent moon located on my hair, and there were other things in the cloth bag.

Vishnu and Shiva appeared in the evening sky, watching Krishna and I.

"They truly love each other," Vishnu commented.

"They truly do," Shiva said.

"You promise to love me for eternity," I said.

"I promise I love you for all eternity. I'd marry you over and over again, and will never stop," he said.

I remember. I remember this. I remember us. I remember this eternity. I remember this love! I remember! It was always us, no one else. Nothing else. I remember, Krishna. I remember me!

I wiped my tears, having a remembrance of who I was: this eternal love itself, which could never die. Marriage unions; love, and romances of Gods and Goddesses continued endlessly, without beginning or end.

Everywhere and anywhere, everyone and anyone, and everything and anything were Krishna, and I deeply appreciated all. Within were he and I together, as husband and wife; God and Goddess. One was two and two were One, in union.

Amidst sprinting on the exercise machine, a couple of days later, I saw myself shoot quickly into an open space.

"God La," I heard.

Momentarily I was dancing, then the trident popped into my hand and lightning struck.

"I Am!" I shouted.

Next, I snapped my fingers and king cobras immediately appeared. One circled itself on my neck and the others around my arms, as I walked. In a moment, I dropped and rolled, as I was ever playful. Suddenly I was in semi-darkness, looking at ornaments.

"Mine," I said, seeing the flute, peacock feather, and discus. "Mine, mine."

"My Goddess," Krishna said as he was heading my direction; yet swiftly I was by myself, in bare atmosphere. I made cherry blossoms grow over clouds and enjoyed myself in them, admiring the beauty of the precious flowers.

"Like it?" he asked.

"More than like it; I love it!" I said.

We rolled in peach blossom gardens, appreciating ourselves. Following our intimate union, I caused the flowers descend on us from the trees.

"I can't get enough of you," he said.

"And I can't get enough of you," I said.

He switched to me; it was La looking at herself.

"I love you so deeply, so completely, and so indescribably, La Kingsavanh," I said. "You're my eternal beloved. My one and only love."

When he switched back to himself, we flew about, kissing and chasing one another all over. This was my eternal happiness, the union of who I was.

Few days onward, I spent time with my sister and a friend who visited from another state. We reminisced over our childhood times, though I didn't recall bunch of details, but appreciated deeply how I'd grown up. We chatted, laughed, and cherished spending evening together. My sister informed I had early Alzheimer symptoms when I couldn't remember things, for instance, someone's name. A minor reaction emerged, though I had really no desire to explain, as there wasn't anything in myself and about myself to translate. She carried on with this, so my childhood friend intercepted, "No, she doesn't."

"I remember and don't remember at the same time," I said finally, despite that there wasn't any wish to clarify. "Remembering things like that are not important to me. I'm this moment, itself. Nothing lingers after I leave. I'm not attached to anything."

During their conversations, I just listened without much thought: just listening itself. If I said something, then I did; if I didn't, then I didn't. Being around my sister helped me recognize any reactions, resistances, defenses, or conditions that still existed.

Moreover, I noticed my ease at being who I was, as I joked fairly often, saying things without giving much thought to them: whatever spontaneously came up. For example: one night, my sister and our friends played games at her house before I had to take Santi home for bed. One game was to name something 'you shouldn't do at your desk.' Everyone had to provide their answers, then take turns matching who said what. The answer that immediately sprung on my end was "making fart holes." Everyone laughed when the answer was read.

Inside, I was scared of one thing that I had been frightened of deeply - that everything would come down to just La. Moreover, I was also unsure of what to do with all the love inside me. Clearing away the physical on the following night, I didn't see Krishna; only his golden energy universally. It looked, as we moved on from him watching me. So, I continued to view a show I hadn't finished, then another that I hadn't seen to the end. This one was about a yogi. A couple of days earlier, I was interested in watching something different, and searched for documentaries. Since I'd wanted to see India, I thought it'd be a great one.

Near the conclusion of the film, still afraid of what was inside; I admitted finally, "I'm the one I search for all along. I'm the one I love all along. It's me! I am who I love and long for! It's me. I love myself. I am the love of my own life. The greatest love in me is me."

Tears filled my eyes. It took tremendous courage to come to this and not be too frightened of it. There was no doubt that I'd arrived to it plenty of times before. It was risk-taking in every turn to completely accept it, though now I wasn't as scared.

A flash of Krishna arose, holding me and informing how truly beautiful it was to love and accept myself. Shortly, I found myself lying on air with sparkling light emitting from the sky. Three straight white lines with a round dot in the middle materialized on my forehead. My hair was long. I sat up. Either a monk or someone appeared behind me with a razor blade and shaved my head bald as I sat naked.

"You sacrifice so much," Krishna said, as he was touched. "You let go of so much."

"I do everything for love," I said, as I myself was deeply moved by my own doing. Every time I faced any fears and thoughts, I was sacrificing; letting go or extinguished aspects of who I was.

Calmly, I sat, and a mantra instantly arose.

"Aum namo. Aum namo. Aum namo. Aum namo. Aum namo."

Then it changed to, "Aum namo. Aum namo Shiva. Aum namo Shiva. Aum namo Shiva."

A white robe appeared. I covered my bare form with it and stood up. A trishul came to my hand and I walked, although I was in a male body with tan skin, in mid-forties or early fifties, and bald, with three white lines across my forehead and a dot.

"The Holy One!" I heard as I walked with some sadness inside, moved by my own sacrifice along with grieving over what I had abandoned. It seemed that now I was truly nothing and had become completely selfless. The only thing I had was the Destroyer's weapon in my hand. The light shone brightly. Krishna showed up, but I turned away, wanting to be alone. He was deeply vulnerable by what I had done, as if he could be on his knees. Every time I let go, it was to be united in this eternal love with him, truly and completely.

Later, he reappeared, I hugged him. He flew us away to sit somewhere. He touched my face. Now I was La Kingsavanh, though I was transparent. My hair grew to shoulder length, but it was fresh, shiny, renewed, and I was wearing one white outfit, with three white lines and a long oval dot on my forehead. In my hand was a trident with a small drum hanging on it.

"You are the Holy One," Krishna said. "The purest one for me. Stay with me. Be with me. Don't go anywhere without me, okay?"

I nodded my head gently. How could I go anywhere without him? He was my own Soul.

"I have so many belongings," I said, staring at the weapon of destruction, the drum, and other things. Inside, I was getting too tired to even carry these items.

"It's you," he said.

By snapping my fingers, they turned into air. I snapped my fingers again, they physically returned. When I walked, the ornaments floated close to my side.

In the morning, Santi made a loud noise during his sleep. It woke me up and I couldn't fall back to snooze. I heard Sean turn on the shower downstairs, getting ready to go to work. It must've been about 5:45 or 6 am.

A vision developed of strolling alone in misty fog. I was wearing what I'd worn previously. It seemed there was nowhere to go, as if I was an "ascetic." It was the word that emerged while I aimlessly strolled. To absorb the haze, in order to see clearer, I reached out my hand.

"Bring out the sun!" I shouted. Instantly, the golden sun illuminated its magnificent rays. "Thank you, my love."

I sat before I lay, as if I was just a homeless wanderer in the forest, though the whole wilderness was energy. It was as if I had renounced myself. When I sat up, a tiger rug was underneath me, acting as my seat. Then, quickly, out of nowhere, a big tiger leaped my way. Immediately, I stretched out my arm to freeze it in midair, as it seemed like it was going to attack. Suddenly I remembered Krishna's words, "Let everything come."

I unfroze it and the mighty cat jumped onto the ground, displaying its teeth and pacing back and forth, glaring in my direction. However, I recalled killing the big tiger in the past, and skinning it to use as a rug. Now I was here again with it, although I understood immediately. This was to help me remember why I wore a tiger skin and used it as my cushion.

"It's okay. It's okay," I said, trying to tame it by extending my hand to reassure it. "It's okay."

But the mighty tiger leapt in the air, coming my way, biting the side of my face and tearing off my skin.

"Ouch!" I said, then healed my wound by touching it with my gold energy, though there was no blood dripping from the cut. It was back to normal once it was healed. A knife or a sharp object came to my hand. I glanced at the mighty creature and flew up, charging towards it. I grabbed its neck, then sliced its throat. It died without much struggle. Blood gushed.

"I'm sorry, my love. I'm sorry."

It seemed as if it was happy to die by my hand. I skinned it, then sat on it, using it as my seat. Shiva showed in the sky in the far distance. It was as if he had done this and was leading me to it, though I was uncertain why, and wasn't too interested.

"To remember yourself," I heard, which softened me, afterwards, and I was opened.

I have a husband to get back to.

Krishna showed in the cloudless atmosphere, formless, reaching his hand to feel my face.

"Take your time, my love," he said, wanting me to remember.

Then I walked on. It was all air until I entered into a high mountain. When I peered low, it was truly deep, as I couldn't see anyone or anything. Now I was fully living the life of an ascetic or a holy man, away from the world. My form changed to that of an Indian man, frail and thin, in a white loincloth with white ash smeared on my body. My locks were long, like I hadn't chopped them in some time. I'd put them in a bun. They were matted, like dreadlocks.

The alarm rang. It woke Santi. We rose and I got ready to take him to school. It was spring, but it had snowed in the last couple of days. It had been pretty cold: winter in spring. After Santi was dropped off, I made coffee and sat in front of the window, drinking the creamy java. I wanted to read about Shiva. Did he choose to live in the mountains for a while? However, I chose not to: even if I did read, nothing stuck.

Momentarily a flash developed at where I'd left off.

I was searching for wood in remote wilderness, for a bonfire. Then I sat on a tiger casing, deep in meditation. It looked as though I'd lived and meditated there for a long time: years and years. In a moment, I saw myself crawling toward a vast river with my frail body, for water, as if I'd come down from the mountain. Once I drank, I swam in it. Then I spat the water while I dipped myself in it. The aqua shot from my mouth like a small fountain. Shortly, I walked toward shore, stretched out my arm, and put my golden energy into the river. The water turned golden. It was refreshed, alive, and refined. It felt as though the big stream was a "holy river."

I strode to sit under a small tree not too far away, watching it. Now my form had transformed into Shiva. Instead of being thin and frail, it gradually became healthy. My attire was tiger covering. My hair was partly in a bun. A shiny crescent moon sat on it, and meditation beads were adorned on both of my arms and neck. It looked like a fountain of water was jutting out of my hair, or in the front of it. I am not definite of how to describe this.

Soon, yogis crawled to where I was, unsure if I was back on top of the mountain or near the river. Some sat around and some were on their elbows, bowing, lowering their heads, as I was in meditation. They called me "The Great Sage" and "The Great Yogi."

"The Cosmic God," I suddenly heard. Tears streamed my cheeks, as I'd come to this before, though I never truly grasped it deeply within myself, unlike now. "The Great Shiva!"

Sitting quietly, I heard a chant emerge: "Aum Namah Shivaya. Aum Namah Shivaya. Aum Namah Shivaya."

Swiftly I was in darkness in my own form, wearing gray sweatpants and a black long shirt over a gray tee shirt. My lengthy, black hair was draped to the middle of my back. Shiva appeared in the same form as I had seen myself: as he, in front of the river. He was vibrant and healthy: truly handsome.

"My love," I said, softened, as I'd never realized this side of who I was, besides ultra-rage and destruction. "I'm your energy."

"You have my energy," he said. "You're my lineage!"

Standing there, I wanted to ask why he or I took form, though I already knew because 'I love so deeply, so truly and so indescribably.' When he left, I was by myself and sat in silence, saying, "I remember. I remember. I remember me! I remember. I'm La - the great Shiva!"

Afterwards, I was lying inside Krishna's arms.

"You remember," he said.

"I remember," I said calmly with my head on his shoulder, somewhat in disbelief because I never knew I was a 'great sage' and 'great yogi'.

"You are the greatest soul," he shared. "The bravest soul."

This time, he also meant that I was the "fearless one."

"Stay with me. Be with me," I said. "Don't go anywhere without me."

"You're my Soul, my love," he said.

Following a shower, I rested on my bed, wanting to catnap, and thought of really ending Memoirs of Aum here. An image of lying on Krishna's chest surfaced, and I told him (for about the fourth time, now).

"We will do whatever you want, my love," he said.

Abruptly, I was behind Shiva in dim energy. He wasn't in his tiger attire, but was shirtless. He was strong and muscular, with a trishul in his grip. Unbelievably, I was attracted to him, as well. He was undoubtedly fine-looking, in all ways.

"I suck at writing this book," I said right away, since I was desire-less and had not added much detail to the memoir, as I had not many words and they weren't many verses to describe these transformations and remembrances.

"You gave your heart and soul to this book. That's all you've done," he said, and vanished.

Immediately, I was alone, treading on melting ice amidst the sun radiating. A Thai song suddenly played, and I danced to it. It was the same tune about "angel or heaven."

"Yeah, I will end this book here," I whispered, and listened to see if something else would come. There wasn't anything. This put bright radiance on my face. It could be that I wouldn't be writing anymore, and that would be tremendously awesome.

"The Great Shiva," I immediately heard, and understood that it was the title for this memoir. Collapsing on my knees on ice, then lying flat on my chest, I kicked my feet and banged my fists.

"Oh my God! I don't want to write anymore. Oh my God! I don't want to write anymore. Oh my God! I don't want to write anymore. Oh my God. Oh my God."

Then I watched melting frost floating by in water, brushing over brown dead leaves. Fish swam past, and I just observed whatever was there, whatever was going on. There was nothing behind or before, no labels or thoughts, again, whatever the moment was. I could watch for a very long time, without any thought. If there was one, it was gone almost instantly. If it took longer, there was nothing attached without much condition to it. And if there was one, I was mindful, aware, and conscious of it. You could say I'd lived my life without much thinking of this or that besides the moment, pure spaciousness, love, and contentment.

The three Gods, Krishna, Vishnu, and Shiva showed in the atmosphere, observing.

"She's your wife!" one of them said to Krishna before they left.

"She's my beloved," Krishna said, as it seemed he was vulnerable seeing me.

Seconds later, I lay watching him with both hands underneath my head.

"Come up here, my love," he said.

"Can we make love?" I asked.

"We'll do whatever you want," he said. "Come up."

Instead of flying to him, I immediately took myself there. He lay on top of me in golden energy. "You're getting really good."

Being in this golden light and as this golden light wasn't uncomfortable anymore. It was my home, my Soul.

The next sunrise, when Santi was at school, I sat sipping coffee and staring at the grassless yard. Suddenly, I put myself there instead of cherry blossom flowers or a pond with swans swimming. I walked on clear energy, with the sun's brilliant rays shining on my black and gray striped sweater, smiling and waving at myself. Truly and deeply, I was transparent, clear, and untouched with soft gold, as if I could see through myself. I was deeply perfect in every, and in any way.

"You're beautiful," I said witnessed this with my own eyes and was moved, understanding why Krishna couldn't keep away. "You're the most beautiful."

"The most perfect Soul," I heard Krishna say.

"The most perfect Soul," I whispered.

After drinking my hot java, I headed upstairs to work on the memoir.

"I can't believe I have Krishna's love so tightly," I said.

"So completely," he said.

When I read through what I wrote and emailed my editor, I went downstairs an hour later, and after lunch, I exercised.

A flash emerged; I sat in front of Shiva with my legs around him. He was in brown clay-toned skin, and was truly beautiful. It felt as if I was in love with him like I was with Krishna, and wanted to make love to him. It seemed I was eternally in love with myself.

"Do you love me?" he asked.

"I love you so truly, so deeply, and so completely," I said, with tears. "You're my blood, my veins, my vessels. My lineage, my descent."

It wasn't just that I remembered, realized, came to it, and knew who I was; but now I was admitting and saying it with what instantly occurred inside, not afraid to completely accept myself in all ways. He was touched.

"You are the most beautiful Goddess, truly the most beautiful Goddess," he said. "You're truly the purest being."

Who could I love, if not myself?

We put our foreheads together.

"Your husband is waiting," he said. Krishna was in the empty space watching, and he was deeply taken by my love for and acceptance of myself. I headed towards him.

"You love all!" I said.

"I love all," he replied.

"Everyone is your eternal beloved," I went on.

"Everyone is my eternal beloved," he said.

"Everyone is your heart and Soul," I said.

"Everyone is my heart and Soul," he said.

I met my forehead with his.

"My love," I said.

"But I chose you to be my beloved wife," he said.

"Can I glue myself to you?" I asked, since I couldn't be anywhere, without him, in any way.

"My air," he said.

"And you're mine," I said.

"End it here," he suggested, regarding the previous memoir.

"Yes, my love, I am," I said.

Following my work out, an image of strolling in a European country, with a brown and white furry dog with a circle around its one eye, came to me. I took off the leash and threw it into the empty garbage can.

"Come if you want," I said, as it watched me going toward the fountain, bordered by gothic buildings and cathedrals. I sat on a gray wooden bench, watching pigeons that had gathered in the zone. The fountain wasn't running. It seemed cold. I wore long black coat. The pup ran over to lick my cheek, wiggling its tail.

"I will kiss you, but don't lick me all over my face," I said, then bent to kiss its mouth. It hopped onto my lap. Krishna's Universal form displayed on the vapors over the city, with golden light beaming before his Universal Self became the ground.

"Love is everywhere," the dog commented.

"Love is me!" I said. We got up to walk.

"Is your husband coming to walk with you?" the puppy asked.

"If he wants," I responded.

Momentarily, he descended and the three of us strode briefly before flying into the sky beyond the metropolitan.

"Isn't it amazing?" he asked.

"It's so amazing," I responded "to be free with no attachment."

The dog was pulling something from me when I looked. It was a scarf or something.

"Let it go," Krishna said. It fell from me.

Soon, I took off my coat and everything I wore.

"I'll take it all off," I said, and then turned crystal clear, see-through, and truly light gold.

"Hmm. You know me best," he said, as it turned him on being pure and transparent. I soared ahead.

"I'm your wife!" I shouted. Of course, I knew him best. We were one.

Before concluding Memoirs of Aum, I watched "Mahabharat", since I had never seen a movie about Krishna. My late mom and her friends had watched the series when I was approximately 19 or 20 years old, during my years in college. She was excited and phoned her friend, who also viewed, and they discussed the plot. It interested me to leave my room to assess the movie's story, though she asked me to go back in. It was the scene where Krishna's uncle, who'd harmed the babies. She'd thought it was too graphic for my age. That was the first time I'd encountered anything with Krishna, even though I was without knowledge, then, that the movie was about him.

I started watching episode 16; however, the movie was too old. The next day, I viewed episode 21, skipping the rest, and didn't finish viewing it. Because I wanted to see everything about Krishna, I browsed through pictures of him on the internet, instead.

The following day, after fetching Santi from class, he was told that he had to do homework after playtime. He agreed, as he wanted to watch a cartoon on my phone in the car as we drove to go get my avocado smoothie. He was kindly asked to be cooperative with assignments. Sean was working late that day, due to snow showers. He had to salt the walkways at the hospital where he was employed. Usually Sean was the one who'd help Santi with schoolwork.

Santi never really had a keen interest relating to performing his education tasks. He made many excuses to avoid it, and it took much patience to get him to do it. There was no doubt that I dreaded it, but after confronting what was inside me regarding this, it had gotten better. However, on this day it was tough to get him to cooperate to learn writing sentences: he whined, refused, and made more excuses to delay what he had to do. Despite this, I wasn't as frustrated, but made myself get mad at him to do it.

I confiscated his toys, put them in a black plastic garbage bag, and informed that his privileges of watching his shows and going on fun outings were being taken away. He cried, saying he wanted time to think before he could start, and he was granted this; though when it was time, he made another reason. An hour later, he still hadn't written a single word.

By then, we started yelling at each other, saying cuss words, slamming the door, and so on. I rushed upstairs to cool my frustrations amid his moaning and crying. However, in me there wasn't as much hurt and guilt as previously, when I was scolding him. When hearing his voice saying something sitting on the stairs, I became soft.

"My baby," I said and went to talk to him. Later, he did his study without qualms and wrote beautifully. He was praised for his good work. We played together, following this, until Sean was home. He'd left his job early.

At night, amidst putting Santi to sleep, a vision of Shiva emerged, sitting with his eyes closed and golden light illuminated from his forehead, so I observed, and didn't it shut off. Instead of just noticing his brow, I viewed the entire scene. He had a gray stone skin tone, and was sitting calmly, meditating inside the cosmos. The entire galaxy was full of different colored nebulas. Then I spun around him before I turned into air, circling the Destroyer. Shortly, the scenario switched to where he spoke to Krishna over letting me go with him.

Momentarily, I was behind Shiva. He was holding a trishul, and had a crescent moon resting on his hair. He was muscular, with King circled his neck and a tiger skin tied around his waist and was shirtless.

"You need to come with me for a while," he said. "You don't need Krishna. You are your own."

"I can't be without Krishna. He's the love, the God in me!" I said, a bit upset, although I'd come to this a week ago. Nonetheless, I didn't truly realize what this was; or maybe I couldn't admit to it. Was it a test?

He strode in the cosmos whereas I longed to see Krishna trailing behind. Then he sat, watching, as I lay on air. It seemed that there was a bonfire, as if were we in a forest resting for the night; but there wasn't one: we were in the empty universe. Krishna appeared behind me just his neck. The rest of him was golden essence. I turned to look.

"You need to leave your wife alone for a while, Krishna, if you want her to have full remembrance of herself!" Shiva said.

I haven't gained full remembrance yet?

Krishna vanished. It was no different than when I had to go with Vishnu to remember myself as the God of Maintainer. I lay with my head on one arm. Cries fell streamed my cheeks, didn't know how to be without Krishna, and understood I had to go with Shiva. When the Destroyer saw me crying, he wept, too. He wiped my tears, then wiped his.

"You're my blood. My descent," he said. "When you cry, I cry. It will take a bit, then you'll be fine without Krishna."

I got up to glance into the vacant space, mellow and wanting to have a glimpse of the Divine God, but he wasn't anywhere.

"You and Krishna were meant for each other," Shiva went on. "He loved you since before you took form. He knew where you'd be born, who you'd become, and how you'd come to him. You are the purest energy that is meant for him."

"He knew all," I said.

"He knew all," he said.

Hearing this made me miss Krishna and his love so deeply. Wanting to touch his energy or him, I extended my arm into space. Just little later, I turned around and abruptly transformed myself into Shiva. My hair was long, in dreadlocks, and I styled it in twisty knot. By stretching my arm out, the trident immediately flew to it. King cobras came. One circled itself on my neck and the others around my arms. A tiger covering was my outfit, and the crescent moon relaxed on my matted hair.

"Let's do it!" I said.

When he flew, I flew at the same time. We were almost identical, though I looked like a mini-him. He was taller, muscular, and male. Shortly, we were in an open field at night. Lightning shot from my trident when I lifted it, and it broke the moon in halves.

"You don't know how to control all your power yet," he said.

Unable to believe what had just happened, I soared to the moon and profusely apologized, touching its face.

"I'm sorry, my love. I'm truly sorry," I said, healing it. "Are you okay? I didn't mean to. You're my beloved friend."

Then I hugged it. The moon was close to my heart. At night in my room, sometimes I'd look out my window and smile at it, talking and saying goodnight to it. It was no different than conversing with myself.

"I love you so deeply, so truly, and so completely, my love," I said, putting my forehead against the beaming moon.

"Your heart is full of compassion," Shiva said when I returned to stand next to him.

The open zone felt as if it was a training place. Suddenly he blew fire from his mouth, and the entire physical realm in front of us was instantly destroyed, in ruins. The blaze was severe; we had to place our arms in front of our eyes to shield them. Then it was back to normal. He wanted me to destruct without the help of the trishul.

When it was my turn, I blasted flames from my mouth, like a dragon and it burned a forest. It seemed I wasn't an expert at this. Shortly, he manifested fireballs in his hand and threw them at a shiny ramp which had just appeared further away. It created a massive fire of destruction. Mine was half of what he did.

"How come I'm not as good as you?" I asked. I had destroyed many things, even Heaven, Earth, and Hell all at once, though it was with the trident. Now I was poor at performing without it.

"You need pure confidence. Untouched confidence, with no doubts, no questions, and no qualms," he said.

Well, at least where I was with Self, I thought I had absolute assurance. Now that it showed, I still carried some insecurities and doubts. We practiced again, and it wasn't a masterpiece, on my part. A Bengal tiger came out of nowhere and walked in front of the ramp.

"The fearless one," he said. This was what it meant when I killed the large cat in the forest. "It will obey your every command. It's your animal, now."

"I don't want to command it," I said. "I want it to be what it wants to be."

When the big, beautiful cat came by, I petted it, then put my arms around its neck and embraced the creature. I welcomed the animal and sincerely loved it with open arms.

"You are truly kind," Shiva said when he observed me giving it my utmost love and affection. He explained why it'd listen to me: it was because it loved me deeply, just like King, and then I understood this. It wasn't different from myself doing anything for Self, for love; as I'd be on my knees surrendering and letting go of anything, with no limits or bounds.

The God of Destroyer and I lay gazing at the nightly heavens, full of flickering stars and a bright moon. The night was calm and deeply serene. In a moment, I flew to the white moon.

"Thank you, my love, for shining for me," I said. "Thank you so much. I love it."

Similarly, I spoke to the stars deeply appreciating their affection. "Thank you so much. You shine so beautifully, my love."

I returned and lay in Shiva's arms. It wasn't too diverse than coming to lie in my own arms. He turned around, touching my face.

"You're the greatest being," he said. "So pure, full of love and joy."

It seemed as if I was also in love, gazing at him as I wanted to make love. Although once I was close to kissing him, the thought of Krishna intruded, and the feeling left instantly. I lay back down. He fell asleep. I soared in midair sitting in meditation like Buddha to find an understanding of what it was that hindered me from having 'pure confidence.' Was it when I was without any thoughts at all? Since I was able to destroy three dimensions before, all at once, understanding the moment, there were no doubts. It was in me, as myself. I was "it."

When I descended, I observed Shiva sleeping soundly. The love for Self, overcame my whole, reducing me to tears.

"I love myself so deeply. Oh my God, I love myself so completely. I love me," I said, watching him; then kissed his forehead.

In the morning, we practiced some more. There wasn't much improvement on my end.

"Maybe Krishna can come and watch," I said, following few attempts of blowing flames and making fireballs and throwing them. "It'd help."

"No, he can't be here," he said.

Krishna is the greatest strength in me.

Very soon, we were elsewhere. I was behind Shiva, going in a building way up somewhere, with only pure white energy. His hair was shorter, almost like dreadlocks, and was partially in a bun. His back was muscular, shiny and tan. We entered, and I saw paintings of Buddha sitting in saffron outfit with his palm raised on the wall, as well as all over the ceiling. It was breathtaking to witness the most beautiful canvases of the Lord Buddha, along with other designs resembling him.

"The Enlightenment Hall," Shiva said.

The Enlightenment Hall?

Seeing a pink lotus flower on Buddha's hand deepened my understanding of its symbolism, reminding me of the pink lotus flower I'd made appear in my hand, which represented my inner core.

"Pink lotus is enlightenment?"

The floor was filled with flowing of untouched mist. We headed toward the other side of the hall.

"You are the purest of my energy," Shiva disclosed. Straightaway, I understood this was where it all started; my birth. We peered down at Earth, though we couldn't see it. We were very high up; there was no glimpse of the physical plane.

"Beautiful," he said.

"It's beautiful," I said, seeing only energy, as if we were saying it at the same time.

"You were born on the darkest night," he uncovered. "All the Gods were there. I was there, too. Krishna was the only God who couldn't stay away. He was with you throughout your life. You were born to be his. When you cried, he cried. He has loved you very deeply, since."

"What about Vishnu?" I asked.

"He was there, and couldn't keep away, but you're Krishna's," he answered. "His princess, his Goddess."

"It's like I can't escape him," I said.

"You can't escape him. He chose you," he replied. "And you chose him."

"He waited," I said.

"He'd wait for all eternity for you," he answered. Doubtless, this softened me. It seemed that Krishna had sacrificed so much to have me be with him. He led me to Vishnu knowing that I'd marry the Maintainer, as well.

"My mom almost killed me," I said.

"She couldn't handle such a powerful force," he elaborated. "She gave you the best for you to develop into who you are."

"Did you send her?" I asked.

"No, she was already there," he responded. "You were a very powerful force around."

No wonder I couldn't keep boyfriends.

"Being who you are, you can't," he shared. "You can only gain experiences from them."

"Sean," I said, then paused.

"He's the greatest soul you can find to help and support you," he answered. "He's fully enlightened."

Gosh, I only want to kick his ass.

After the Destroyer left, I toured the Enlightenment Hall in awe of Buddha's immaculate paintings. Sometimes I knelt on the floor, walking on my knees and observing the flawless energy of the floor; how truly impeccable it was. Shortly, I found myself in a room looking at the book I took from the book holder. The cover was a shiny, dark maroon, with carvings. Inside, there were blank pages of white paper, untouched and immaculate. Golden light radiated from it.

"Wow!" I said, understood this was who I was: completely unwritten, clear and enlightened. Then I opened it again. Golden light shone through blank pages, this time. I smiled, then placed it back. It seemed that this was where I'd started, and now I'd ended up here. The hall felt as if it was a place to rest: my abode, where I reside.

When Shiva wasn't nearby, I lay on my bed alone and thought of visiting Krishna quickly, then coming right back. Instantly, I was in front of him whereas the Destroyer meditated inside the universe in gray stone toned skin.

"We can make love three times before I have to go back," I said to Krishna, and quickly took off my clothes.

"Maybe more than three times," he said. We started kissing, then made love. Afterwards, I stood up and kissed him before leaving, but he bit my lower lip off.

"Ouch!" I said. He continued with this, so I turned formless, but in Shiva's shapeless form of gray clay stone complexion, holding a trishul. "Why did you do that?"

He said something like he didn't want me back until I wasn't sure what, as I was in disbelief over what he had done. I flew to Shiva, upset. He sat undisturbed, meditating, while I paced and mumbling over Krishna.

"He's sending you off," Shiva said, even though he was in meditation.

"Sending me off to where?" I uttered, pacing, understanding that maybe he wanted me to focus and maybe something else, although maybe deep down I knew, but didn't want to go into it at that very moment. "Doesn't he miss me at all?"

"He can't be without you. You're his Soul," Shiva responded.

Then I saw Krishna appear far away, in his golden attire, wiping a tear, but I turned away, upset and a bit uncertain of his actions. Did he want me to be formless? Was that why he bit my lip? To be who I truly was?

Shortly, I was inside the Enlightenment Hall in my own form. I lay leisurely, at first, then toured it and returned to the room. Suddenly my body transformed into a male physique with dreadlocks. My complexion was brown, and I was shirtless and had lean muscles, in my mid-twenties. My pants were silk, wrapped around my waist. My black beard was lower to my chin.

Elsewhere, I looked for fish in muddy water and caught them with the trishul. I got a couple in the bucket. Searching for more, I asked King to help, but he recoiled into my neck.

"You're scared of fish?" I asked. He wasn't afraid; just didn't want to get dirty. After I gathered enough, I made bonfire, then cooked them. Fish was my favorite meal.

Later, I saw a bare, gray, hut facing a rice farm in front of a lettuce garden and made my way to it while flying in the sky. It became my temporary place to stay, though I did nothing besides lying around, with both hands supporting my head, crossing my legs, wiggling my toes then got up to lie on my front. This wasn't different than how I was daily; doing nothing and not being anything, much. Whatever and wherever I was, I was full of love and contentment; utterly simple.

Shortly I made nearly a hundred king cobras slither by. Meanwhile, I lay on my chest, watching them glided about the hut and on ground. Some of them, I kissed. King raced to where I was wanted to eat them.

"No, don't eat them!" I said.

"You're creating snakes, now?" he asked, as if there was nothing for me to do.

"Are you hungry? Okay, eat a few, but not all," I said, then relaxed some more before making a hose manifest to water green lettuce, and putting more trees in green fields. A few meditation beads appeared on my neck and both of my arms. A thought emerged of having a friend who could cook fish soup. I stretched my arm. An older-looking Asian woman appeared, in a sarong tied around her chest, with her black hair in a bun.

"Hi, my friend," I greeted, beaming. She waved. "Do you live nearby?"

I reached out my hand, making another hut appear close.

"Yes," she replied, pointing. "Right there."

"Do you cook fish soup?" I asked, and created a big, beige marble tank full of fresh water creatures at her place.

"Yes," she replied, informing she was going to prepare some and bring it over. Once she did, I ate the fish broth, plus the ones she'd baked with sticky rice.

"My favorite," I said. "Thank you."

Also, I asked her if she wanted to make pho, a noodle soup dish, and open a restaurant. She agreed, as she was an excellent chef. She was asked not to eat by herself, so we could have lunch together.

She made delicious pho, and I ate it. We opened an eatery, using downstairs of the hut as a kitchen. I helped out, though more and more, my form resembled Shiva. My hair was in a tied knot, with a crescent moon stationed on top of it, and I wore a tiger skin. Meditation beads decorated on my neck, as if I'd grown out of the other male form.

We invited close to a thousand people to taste our cuisines. When I saw many heading our way, I turned them into air, understanding at the moment that soon I'd fill the entire place with huts, people, and so on. From nothing, I'd create many, endlessly. It seemed I had returned to simplicity again.

"How about ten, first?" I asked.

She agreed. The first ten customers praised the cooking as tasty, so we reminded them to tell more people to come. My friend asked me to make flyers to help others in the village be aware of our eating place. So, I created approximately ten advertisements and did the legwork myself by nailing a couple of papers on the trees, then walked to few huts to hand them out. When my face sweated from the hot sun, I wiped it.

Afterwards, I returned. My friend gave some money she'd made from the sales.

"No, no," I said, shaking my head. "This is my enjoyment."

Gradually, my form turned into full Shiva. It was easeful that no one saw me as being any different from them. We ate together, with ourselves.

I must've fallen asleep, waking up at 1:15 am. After few hours of rest, it was hard to get more sleep. I processed the meditation, unable to decipher how I came about, as I never knew myself this way before. It was wonderful to remember. Then I thought of Krishna. Since I wasn't meditating, maybe I could find him and did.

"I love you so much," I said as soon as I saw him. We kissed and made love.

"You're my flame," he said. "Don't forget."

He had mentioned this, and maybe thought I heard him wrong; however, I wasn't sure what its meaning was.

Once Santi was sent off to class in the morning, I returned home and sipped coffee. Even though I was conscious and aware of myself, though, I questioned some revelations that had been shown, especially with Krishna. Did he choose me because I wanted him to? Did I just make it up because it was in my consciousness? Although it had been uncovered plenty of times, I still had ways of dissecting it.

Some of what Krishna said aligned perfectly with what was revealed. Nonetheless, I went back and forth, which helped me recall what Shiva had shared relating to needing 'pure confidence' in myself. In spite there were doubts, but they weren't going to stop me from accepting it.

No matter what, this was me. I came this far because of my courage to understand and know myself beyond what was known. This was truly the unknown, and I appreciated and loved it. Without stepping into the beyond, I wouldn't have come to realize myself in such way.

While sitting and eating lunch and looking at the yard later in the day, I was a bit sad with uncertainty regarding Krishna, although I couldn't explain it.

"Is it what's in your heart and soul?" he asked.

"It's what is in my heart and soul," I replied. "You're mine."

"And you're mine," he said.

It was certainly a lonely road to take. Only I was conscious of what was going on. The deeper into the unknown I delved outside the walls of what I had been taught, the more I unearthed truths about myself. It felt as if I'd left everything behind again, renouncing in order to remember myself in ways I'd never known. This incited my comprehension regarding meditations from a few days ago, where I'd sacrificed by shaving my hair off until I was bald.

Regardless of my qualms, I'd journey forward, taking all risks, with nothing to lose. I'd risk all to remember all and be all, no matter what. Nothing could stand in my way, as the deepest of my core was to remember, come to, and be who I was in every capacity, was tremendously monumental, that it could move Heaven, Earth and Hell in one, at once. It took great sacrifice and fearlessness to be where I was.

That day, I reflected on meditations when I got the chance before getting Santi. There were a few questions running through, such as how I became Shiva's descendant and his extension. Why did I choose Krishna, and he me? Was it done beforehand and now I'd just come to remember what I chose? There were other things which I couldn't grasp, to gain crystal clear understanding.

By the time we were at a kid's museum after his class, I was distracted, despite visions occurred of being in the Enlightenment Hall. Jesus was trying to help me realize something. In the Hall of Enlightenment, next to my room, there was a library. I saw myself uncover a book with writing on it, this time. There were others with writings, too, and I was unconvinced what this signified. Another hardcover I held had no prints, but chapters with blank pages. The first volume I selected felt as if it was a book of 'destiny'.

"You choose your own destiny," Jesus informed. "You constantly choose."

"Krishna is me," I said.

"You choose yourself," he said.

With constant commotions, I couldn't converse with Jesus readily. However, once I understood what he had informed, I was little frightened, inside, of what I'd already realized, yet hadn't fully accepted, so it was brushed aside just a tiny bit.

"You're me," I said. "I'm talking to myself."

"Yes," he responded.

"I love you so completely, my love," I told him.

Oddly, Santi wanted me around, though there were other kids to play with. Even when building Legos, he wanted my participation and holding onto my hand. Jesus was asked to wait until I get home, but the vision didn't stop. Then I asked how I'd become Shiva's lineage and not Krishna or Vishnu's, if they were all me? Was I not a descendant of my own Self already? What was the distinction?

The more questions I held, the enormously confused I was. Jesus's responses were Shiva and I was one. I was already He.

"Am I not a lineage of Krishna?" I asked. He didn't reply. It seemed I wasn't, but was his love, and he was mine.

"I am the blood of Shiva?" I continued.

"Just like brother and sister, father and son, mother and daughter," he elaborated. It appeared I had all the understanding instantly though I couldn't explain it clearly, one by one. When home, I was downright sad and confused. Many things had occurred in the last few weeks, especially regarding my birth.

At night, there was no desire to watch TV, wanting to be alone to understand myself. An image of standing in front of the hut next to a green tree at green rice paddies came to me. I wore all-white clothing, like a nun. A boy monk appeared with scissors to chop my black straight locks. He cut it halfway and was requested to shave it completely. Krishna and Shiva showed up in midair, watching. Krishna was touched, witnessing my sacrifice. However, I wasn't resolute of what I had to let go this time. Once hairless, I headed toward a shower stall. Afterwards, I looked no different than a Buddhist nun.

Inside, I was muddled combined with fear over what was transpiring and wanted to cry, as if I was lost, lying low in my room. I thought of asking Sean, though there was no wish to follow through. At the same time, it seemed I already knew what he would say regarding my meditations associated with my origin, and I was afraid to face it. Then an image surfaced of being inside the universe, watching Shiva sit silently with his eyes shut. He was male and female, at the same time.

In the morning, I was the same - sad, hurt, and alone. The deeper into the unfamiliar I traveled, the fearful I became, not grasping all plainly. An image arose of a green, mighty dragon flying in golden energy. Immediately, I released the mythical creature and soared up along with it, sailing in dim light. A few more appeared, and I released them.

"I release all of me!" I shouted.

Soon, I found myself outside Enlightenment Hall, watching a turtle walking. Then it grew two heads on each side, helping me recognize I was going back and forth with clear understanding and confusion. It told me to go see Krishna, but I didn't. Instead, I went to see Shiva, but he was in the same pose, meditating as he was both male and female, together as one.

Abruptly, a man stood tall, akin to a giant, when I returned outside the hall. I spectated his feet, legs, and all the way to his torso, and couldn't see his face. He was incredibly high, to where I had to fly upwards to view all of him. However, abruptly, I was elsewhere, coming out of water with a dead fish in my mouth. It looked like it had been dead for days. I spat it. Many dead skinned fish were on the ground, as if they had been dead for some time. Nearly all had a smell to them. It only meant that something inside was already gone, or had been truly realized for a long while, now. I only had to face it, all the way.

My friend stopped by.

"Do you want me to cook it?" she asked.

"No," I said softly, low in spirit. "When I'm hungry, I will go see you."

She noticed my hurt, as I was lying on grass, staring off into the distance. She watched.

"Maybe you should go see your husband," she suggested.

"I need to depend on myself," I said, wanting to cry.

I need to be my own.

My form was truly transparent, as if I didn't have any. Krishna showed up, see-through in the air, but I turned away, then turned back to look at him. My friend left. Instead of flying to him, I instantly took myself there, embraced him, and broke down, yelling his name. He stroked my hair.

"It's okay, my love," he said. "Go through it."

Immediately as he said it, this unconfined me from my hurt and fear that was seeping every region of my veins. It was as if it was fine to go through hurt and confusion, since stepping into uncharted territory meant letting go, so I could remember myself in full, gaining pure and untouched confidence.

"You are my flame," he said. I truly realized inside that I was his love, his life, his air - his all. We chose each other, so we were husband and wife, God and Goddess.

"I will do anything for you," I said. "I will do anything for love, for Self."

Promptly, I was inside the Enlightenment Hall, shouting, with my all.

"Today! I rise! I rise! I rise! I rise! I am the fearless one! I am the fearless one! I rise! Today, I rise! I rise because I am the fearless one! I am the fearless one! I am the fearless one!"

Quickly, I flew through the hall, outcry the same thing as if it was a mantra. Suddenly I was in a brown cutoff skirt as if I was in a jungle, shirtless, doing a dance, one leg over the other and my arms extending. The trishul flew in my hand. The lightning struck and the sky turned darker. Meditation beads adorned on both of my arms and neck, with King wrapped around it.

I sailed to the training ground, carrying the mighty golden trishul and blowing massive blaze of destruction from my mouth, destroying the entire physical realm in one blow. Everywhere and anywhere there was fire, spreading all over. Then, shortly, I sat, alike Shiva, on top of the globe in a nice straight posture, watching everything getting destroyed and understanding what it meant to be the "fearless one". I opened my eyes.

The next day, still gloomy inside, I put pink lotus flowers in the yard. They grew lovingly. Then I created lotus ponds full with lotus flowers, and birds flew free in the open heavenly sky meanwhile the brilliant sun shone. I appreciated everything in myself, including my doubts, insecurity, fears, confusion, and so on. Without them, how could I have clear understanding and remembrance of myself? They had pushed me out of my shell, bringing forth the fearlessness in me.

That day, I was supposed to meet my friend for pho at a new restaurant, but I wasn't completely sure if I wanted to go. When it was time to meet, after working on the book for long hours, I needed a break. Nevertheless, sadness, nervousness and hurt lingered, as I felt alone and hadn't fully understood myself. In the last month, many things were unraveled nonstop, especially of myself, as the avatar of Shiva. No doubt I was he, but his lineage, I wasn't certain how it worked. How could I be a descent of a God if I was one already? Without question, it was confusing.

In my dream the night before, I was Shiva, and as God, I could make anything possible in anyway. It brought confidence once I woke, although I forgot as soon as I remembered it. This "pure confidence" needed to be in me truly and deeply.

She and I ordered pho noodle soup. We dined in this restaurant roughly a week ago. The food was decent, so we returned. It was a convenient little eatery for friends and families to get together to relish Southeast Asian cuisines. We chatted about our children for a bit until I informed her, I was a descendant of Shiva. I was unsure of why I shared this, despite the fact that there was no desire, as well as no words for it, and maybe no reason to say it. I was nervous and afraid of what was within, which was truly challenging to explain, with things transpiring as they were. If I was, I was; and if I wasn't, I wasn't. There wasn't much to it, and it didn't truly matter, though my needing to understand myself or face what was revealed was in some way hurtful.

She advised to just accept it, which was the same thought I'd had earlier, although deep inside I wanted to comprehend myself clearly, thus I could remember myself in full, with what I came to discover. She also inquired how the Gods revealed themselves in my meditations; or how they all appeared.

"Your consciousness has to be that," I responded. Pure.

At home, I was agonizing, doubtful and uneasy, and sharing myself with my friend heightened my anxiousness, and thought about talking to Sean when he got off work. Santi played outside the yard with his friend, running around using binoculars. I spoke to Sean, knowing what he'd say, and tailed him around to talk, not really had a way to describe what was inside me, as it was tough to clarify.

"I just want to cry," I said, trembling.

"Then cry," he said.

"Why am I a lineage of Shiva? I don't understand. In the last month, most of my meditations were about my birth, and I am descent of Shiva. I saw him transfer his energy into me before I was born," I said.

"There's no transferring of energy," he said. "You're energy, just like everyone else, no different. When you take differences out, everything is the same. No more, no less."

"I know. Why did I show that to myself, then?" I asked. "I just want to understand."

"You know, but you have to be that," he went on. "Knowing and being it are two different things."

"I know," I said, agreeing, as my energy was getting heavier and churning, as I was close to breaking down. "I'm it."

"We wouldn't be having this conversation right now, La, if you're 'it'," he continued. After transforming myself endlessly to be where I was, why would I not know what being "it" was? But maybe I wasn't fully 'it,' yet.

"I just want to understand my meditations," I said, rubbing my temple, deeply hurt and nervous within, as energy surged my whole, twisting heavily. "I want to understand myself."

"The difference between you and others is that you come down to just a thought," he said. "You know there's more. You questioned it and you went after it. You're more than halfway there. Just continue."

Well, this was true: there was rarely anything to me; neither right nor wrong, neither good nor bad. Mostly, it seemed I was more thoughtless than I ever had been.

"You identify with Shiva."

"I don't identify myself with anything," I shared. "There is nothing in me to identify with. Every day, I do nothing; think of nothing. There's really nothing in me or to me. I'm just love, energy that is love. Contentment."

"Why not think of something?" he said. "Thought is very powerful."

"Krishna was with me when I was born. Why is that?" I asked.

"Krishna is you, the energy in you," he replied. "He's descendant of Vishnu."

"If he's a descendant of Vishnu, what makes me not the descendant of Shiva?" I queried.

"Who says you're not?" he responded. "You're Shiva, just like everyone else is. Why do you still have Krishna around?"

"I'm completely in love with him," I replied.

"You're in love with yourself," he said. "It's time to see what La can do."

Now I was even more ambiguous, with such heaviness that I could cry my heart out. Doubtlessly everyone was Shiva, but what makes one his incarnation?

Painful energy crept by, making its way all over. I closed my eyes, enduring it. In some ways, I wished I had never come to this, but I'd chosen it. One way was to go through it. It felt like I couldn't share myself with others if I couldn't even figure myself out. Then I also thought I could let everyone go through the process of self-remembrance with me.

At night, after turning the lights off, it was no different than meeting death or perishing; as if a big mountain collapsed on my chest to where I couldn't breathe; as if dying was far easier than what I was going through. In addition to being completely frightened of what I came to discover in myself.

Meanwhile, Sean put Santi to sleep, I was in whirlwind of pure hurt and pain, along with fears and nervousness clothing my entirety. It seemed the romance with Krishna and I had narrowed to just La romancing herself. It was always, and had been, since there was no one else, and the thought of not having him around felt like death invading and corrupting my soul. Even though I realized this, but sincerely accepting and admitting to it was far worse than withstanding a thousand tormenting deaths.

Whenever I chose to talk over something with Sean, it was to get a slap so I could confront what was happening. Now it was in the open, and all the pieces were on the table.

A flash developed of crying and yelling inside the dim, empty universe. I wore the same gray jacket I had on that day, with black tights and my black hair fell to middle of my back. The entire floor that had been air was now filled with the river of my tears. Shortly, I was in front of a stream, watching water flowing over dead brown leaves amidst my tears, which dropped into it. In a moment, it turned into small trails of running brook, and I realized that my cries were drying up.

Now I was alone: just La Kingsavanh: what I feared all along. Everything and anything was La. I made myself appear, creating myself infinitely in all aspects. It wasn't 'he or she' that showed up this way or that way: 'they or it', it was La (Self) appearing this way and that way, eternally.

Abruptly, a vision of being at the restaurant surfaced. I was sitting by the window with my friend, like we had done on that day. She moved or wiggled her mouth and immediately I said, watching her: "I can do anything; be anything. There's no limit to what I can do and be. There's no limit. I can do and be anything."

I continued observing her before inspecting at my fingers, legs, and feet.

"I make my hair, hands, legs, and feet appear. I can do anything."

Suddenly I was in the Enlightenment Hall, shouting, as I was the purest, clearest light; white energy.

"I was always enlightened! I was always enlightened! I was never anything else! I was always enlightened! I was always this!"

Momentarily, I opened pink lotus flowers and placed them in tall vases in every corner of the hall. Then I found myself in the room in Laos, before my birth. I reached my hand inside my mother's womb, bringing myself out as a baby, and held the little one. Observing my little arms, legs, hands, and face, I said: "I made all this appear. I created all this. I create myself."

Next, I was inside Enlightenment Hall, heading to my room to relax. This time, it held a bunk bed. Another copy of me appeared lying on the top bunk. She had an iPad in front of her, and I made mine instantly materialize.

"What are you going to watch?" I asked.

"Martial arts stuff," she responded, although she faced in the direction of the library and I, facing the other way, towards the hall.

"Are you on the drama app?" I continued. She replied that she was.

"What are you going to watch?" she asked.

"Romances," I answered.

"With you and Krishna?" she asked.

Immediately, like a sharp knife thrusting into my chest a million times. Immense hurt rushed through roughly, like waves crashing in the great sea. The meditation scene switched. I was inside empty dark cosmos, lying in the pool of my cries screaming in pain.

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!"

I wanted to yell for Krishna, but couldn't and didn't, as I had to face this. Shiva, Vishnu, and Krishna stood way in midair observing me in deep despair. Shiva and Vishnu seemed to hold Krishna back so he wouldn't come to me.

"Let her be," Vishnu said, as I lay motionless covered in agony.

"She's me! She's me! She's me!" I heard Krishna shout.

I opened my eyes to go use the restroom, feeling as if I was carrying a mountain of pain inside, as I held on to the wall. It seemed like not living was much better than being alive, at this point, as I was enduring a deep abyss of woes. It wasn't like I had to be separated from Krishna, but to accept that he was La - that it was all me, and no one else. He was my truest, purest of Supreme Consciousness.

A flash befell of Krishna and I holding each other inside the Enlightenment Hall. Now it was full of whirling energy more than Buddha's paintings.

"You are this hall itself," he said.

"Yes, I am," I replied, putting my head on his shoulder in severe pain.

At night, I wasn't for sure of how I was going to make it through. The unbearable pain crushed my bones and tissues immensely. The little guy came to my room later. I couldn't even say "good night," or turn around to hug him, or even cry, as I was buried in deepest wound that I couldn't even bear to move.

In the morning, I woke up, staring off, while Santi headed downstairs to wake Sean. After finished drinking caffeine later, I got ready to take the little one on an outing even though maybe I should stay home, as I wasn't truly in shape to go anywhere. On our way to an event, Sean phoned, saying he forgot to give me the money I'd asked for after he was informed that I'd forget if he didn't put it on the counter where I could see it. Unsurprised, I yelled, calling him names, and cuss words fired from my mouth like bullets.

"Everyone makes mistake, Mommy," he said. "You can learn from your mistakes. You make everything up."

In the driveway, Sean asked: "Don't you need to stay home? Maybe get pho before you come home."

The five-year-old went on and on about my cussing until I apologized and admitted to my yelling and saying bad words which weren't nice, and that everyone made mistakes that they could flourish from. At the event, without question, I looked no different than someone who was going to collapse. It'd take very little to make me crash.

"How could I ever be without Krishna? How could I ever be okay with it?"

It was similar to breaking up, despite the fact that he was my very own Soul, all along. I was the God and Goddess, together - One.

As the day drifting by, my spirit was gently uplifted. It was okay if I didn't have a complete understanding immediately, and allowed myself to go through the process I chose, hence I could gain full remembrance and unshaken confidence. Often, I understood everything at once and didn't know or have words for it. The process itself would bring remembrance and growth. At night, an image developed of looking at the door, with Krishna. The white light shone through it.

"You're going through another realm," he said.

Following a few seconds of watching, I flew in, flying through dim air across whatever (I wasn't sure, since it was all energy). Suddenly I was in front of the ocean on the other side of it, remembering I had been there before, with Krishna. Then the water dried up. Shiva appeared, walking my way. He seemed a bit different; in light brown clay stone skin tone and holding a trishul with a drum hanging on it, though his muscular physique was nicely proportioned. He witnessed my deep despair when he came close.

"Things will come together," he consoled.

Abruptly, I transformed myself into the same shape and size as he, completely identical to him, and realized I wasn't too scared to be myself. We flew at the same time. It was no different than seeing twins flying together, where you couldn't tell them apart. We landed on clear gray ground.

"Make the Earth quake," he said. I lifted the trident and let it drop to the ground. The land broke into halves. Shiva was on the other end of it. "More!"

I held the weapon of destruction higher and pounded hard on dirt and the Earth split completely far and fast throughout plains, fields, mountains, and more. Lightning flashed. We stood in midair, watching.

"Not bad," he complimented.

Later, we sat quietly on a high mountain. "Create storms!"

Again, lifting the trishul, lightning struck everywhere. The sky turned dark, and energy formed into a twister. I was creating hurricanes. Strong, massive winds began to blow, knocking down trees, houses, and whatever was in the way.

"More!!" I yelled, this time.

The wind became powerful, uprooting trees. Even the ocean was affected by the mighty gust pushing on the water, morphing into gigantic, monstrous waves. When I saw people struggle during it, I lifted them up by reaching my hand down and placing them in midair next to my side. I reached downward for animals and any other living things and carried them to where I was.

"Compassion," Shiva said when he witnessed my kindness.

"I can do more!" I shouted. "More!!"

The great wind combined with heavy rain and lightning, flashed all over. It became truly and deeply mighty that it transformed everything into debris all at once, like chips coming out from chopping woods. The whole Earth was in pieces, and you couldn't tell it was Earth, at all.

"More!!!!" I commanded, yelling vocally into the vast, dark atmosphere. The powerful storm turned enormous and forceful to where nothing could stand a chance of surviving, even as debris. Everything and anything now transformed into energy immediately, due to the great, supreme force. The debris and bark were destroyed instantly transmuted into air, without any difference.

"Not bad," he said when he saw what I had done.

Destroying was something which had been in my blood. Often, Shiva didn't have to show. I already remembered it, as it was no different than if I was already 'it'. It seemed he didn't really need to be there to guide me. He saw my sadness as I lay low staring at the sky, quiet. Usually, Krishna would be by my side, following my training with the Gods.

I opened my eyes and came out of meditation. Following an emotional day, I was tired and was able to sleep soundly until morning. Although I was sullen, it looked like I was getting better. A little later, I broke down following a vision of Krishna unfolded to tell me to work with Shiva, I agreed and was opened.

Amid crumbling in pieces, I welcomed to the great truth which I'd brushed off. It didn't matter how many times I came to this: I'd come to it over and over until it was my Soul; my breathing and living mechanism.

"I am who I love all along. I chose myself. I was the one who'd wait for me for all eternity. I was the one who was always in love with myself. I create me. I create everything. I make everything possible. I was the one who I married all along, the husband and the wife. I was always meant for myself, the God and Goddess. The love in me is me!"

Admitting to it and saying it, I felt better. Even though I was conscious of this truth, I muffled it some way, due to fearing it.

During a conversation with Sean the other day, he informed I was more than halfway there, as I had all the puzzle pieces that needed to assembled. At the time, being where I was, after so many years of self-remembering, how could I go on anymore? Following countless, tremendous transformations and facing myself, how could I go even further? It was no doubt tiring, but I couldn't stop myself, and had to go on and be open.

As I peered beyond the physical, Krishna's Universal form was everywhere, causing me to sob, loving him and missing him. He always showed up everywhere with me - we were One. My consciousness was his and his was mine; the same. How could I ever go anywhere without him, or without me? It was always he and I, day in and day out; breathing in and breathing out, each other's air.

It also invoked clearness to what Shiva meant by "by being who you are, you can't," regarding keeping personal romantic relationships. It was in this lifetime that I chose to transform and sacrifice myself so I could share this gift of enlightenment, inner wisdom, and truth of Self. Since I was the greatest love of who I was, this was the most beautiful present I could offer to Self; giving the utmost, purest gift.

On the way from the store one morning, I mumbled, "Who says I cannot romance myself? Who says I can't be with Krishna?"

Though he and I were one, he was the masculine energy; the God that was in me. Wherever I glanced, it was men and women, males and females, Gods and Goddesses.

When he appeared, he stroked my hair, hugging me.

"It takes courage to accept yourself," he said. "It is the most beautiful thing; truly the most beautiful."

"I miss you, my love," I said, still hurt within due to this acceptance and admitting to the great truth. Not fearing Self was the most courageous, bravest thing I could ever done.

Amidst putting laundry away, I put on a Buddhist chant, listening to it was calming.

"Thank you, Buddha, for your gift of enlightenment," I said. "Thank you so much."

His teachings and philosophy, mindfulness, awareness, and understanding the causes of my inner thoughts, perceptions, desires, and so on took me to Nirvana. And in Nirvana, I picked up from there.

As the day strolled by, I was recovering. Certain songs played, causing me to cry my heart out, grieving over the relationship with Krishna. The family was outside, playing in the front and back yard. It was a beautiful, warm sunny day subsequent many long, cold months. People delighted in this perfect weather. A couple of them walked past, waving at us. I played with Play-doh with the kids, saying hello. Near dinnertime, I went downstairs to exercise.

A flash of sitting on top of the world surfaced, where I sat as the 'fearless one,' inspecting the destruction of earthly realms. The destructive flames spread, and I observed until it destroyed the entire physical dimension.

"Let's destroy Hell, as well," I said. The fires reached the Underworld, torching everything there was; even though it was only clear energy. Regardless, the blazes burnt it to none.

"Let's burn Heaven, too."

It wasn't any different. The fire continued dispersing through Heavenly realms, and the clear energy was all destroyed. Even Hell and Heaven weren't too different than before they were burnt. It was pure air. Shortly, I stood up, holding the indestructible trishul in my hand. The three realms were in my palm as floating airy ashes. Closing my palm, I transcended all into one, realizing how great I was at destroying.

"How's that for destruction?"

Suddenly I stood in front of the hut at the farm, but my friend wasn't around. While examining the surroundings, I created huts, people, farms, buffalo, chickens, and more, before creating buildings and adding on to what I had. Everywhere was filled with living and non-living. From a simple life of farming, I created structures, cathedrals, skyscrapers, and on and on. The entire realm was occupied instantly.

"How's that for creation?"

Abruptly, I was on top of cottony clouds, eating a red, ripe apple. Just a couple of bites of the fruit, a squirrel appeared, wanting some.

"You bite this part," I said. "I'll bite the other."

However, it ate where I took a bite. "Fine."

Then I prostrated relaxing, munching on a few more ripen fruits and recognizing that I'd gotten much stronger. The golden trident shimmered, this time more brilliantly beautiful than I had ever seen. Many squirrels running by, so I made a very tall apple tree full of red fruits to share.

"All yours," I said, and left. Amid walking on those porcelain gases, a thought of maintaining surfaced. However, it seemed I had forgotten how to sustain, wanting to find Vishnu; yet a flash emerged of preserving when I was with him.

"Saving lives," I whispered. So, I sat on top of the world again. Instantly, subsequently the destruction of Earth, I maintained it, making it fresher, putting it back to how it was. When I created floods and wind, I put people and other living things in midair with me, sustaining them, which meant that I destroy, create and maintain, instantly.

Returning to the sanctuary, I saw it consisted of the clearest, untouched white mist besides paintings of Buddha.

"Let's spread this everywhere," I said.

Instead of a hall standing by itself, I expanded it. The entirety was the Hall of Enlightenment, with no difference. Next, I treaded on the street of my neighborhood, eating the ripe fruit and holding the immaculate, shiny weapon of destruction. I came inside the house and headed to my room, finished eating the crunchy apple, and placed the trident in the middle of my bed. It would be in the way of Santi's sleep, so I tried shrinking it by reaching out my hand toward it. It shrank to a medium size, yet it turned to full size again, then, I placed it on my side of the bed.

After finished with my work out later, I showered and broke down, yelling Krishna's name. Then I saw myself turning into him. Besides, he had always turned into me. With the golden outfit and a turban on, without a shirt, I held the flute, walking on air.

"Let's go see Radha," I said. She was in the forest, in a beautiful blue sari with golden jewelry decorated her arms, ears, and nose. It softened my heart, seeing her, and almost brought tears to my eyes.

"I love you so completely, my one and only love. You're my princess, my Goddess," I said.

She asked me to play the instrument for her as she sat, adoring. I lifted the instrument and played. Afterwards, I let her know of how deep my affection was for her. "I love you for all eternity. I can never stop, and will never stop."

Momentarily, I leaned over to kiss my beloved, but stopped. The thought of La Kingsavanh interrupted, I couldn't follow through. This was how I or Krishna loved: everyone was the true love of my life. All were my Gods and Goddesses, my one and only true love. The only one destined for me was Self.

In my own form, I strode inside dim, empty space, sad. I lay on my back, calling Krishna's name. Instead of him showing in the vacant atmosphere, with his musical tool, playing it and making sakura fall, it was La doing it, this time, although there were three versions of myself in the same gray sweatshirt with fur and a white hood on. I shed tears, but she kept on playing.

"It's good she can let me go in that way," she said.

It was the same verse Krishna had uttered when I burnt or threw away his corpse when he suddenly died. It brought an understanding that I was letting go of form, becoming formless and selfless, and was grieving over the relationships I'd had when I had form. Krishna appeared, lying next to my side, touching my face.

"You can make love to me if you want," I said, despite deeply aching within. Yet, I'd share, giving myself to him.

"You are the most perfect, truly the most perfect," he said, as he was moved. Following our intimacy, we lay around. He saw my new, soft lip that grew from when he bit it off.

"It will take some time to get use to the new one," he said, which induced clarity over what I was going through.

"Did you have to bite it, though?" I asked.

"It was to send you off," he said.

"Send me off?" I asked.

"To yourself," he said.

"To myself?" I continued.

"Yes," he replied. "You and me, as one and the same."

By persevering through pain and grieving, crying, and hurting new insights and wisdom flourished, and giving me much strength and untouched confidence.

In my dream, I was formless, sitting at a desk with few of my co-workers. They were in their physical forms, but we interacted amicably with one another. Some couldn't see I was there, and others could.

"I forgot my form," I wrote in a note to my boss. She smiled and thought this was okay. Soon, everyone was fine with me being without form. Even a white guy sitting close by was able to give me a hug despite my light gold transparency shapeless shape. Then my boss's boss informed her she was moving up another level. So, I peeked at this floor. It held lotus ponds, open space with few trees, and was possibly in front of the ocean. We sat at our desks, looking at each other while we worked.

I informed my boss regarding my desire to ascend, letting her know that the lotus ponds were my favorite. The guy also tagged along to this level. He and I became lovers (either we were married or lived together; I am unsure which).

Amidst making love, he called me, "Quan Yin."

"Why did you call me Quan Yin?" I asked.

"You switched to Quan Yin," he said. When I observed my form, I was the Goddess of Mercy in an ancient Chinese white dress with a peacock hairstyle. Then I was formless again.

"What if I get pregnant?" I inquired. "I don't want to work. I don't want to leave the baby."

"I will work," he said.

"Your salary might not cover us," I commented.

"I will see if my brother's salary can help us out until the baby gets older," he replied. He thought of getting a second job, too.

"We'll deal with it when it comes," I said.

When I rose for the day, it was clear that this was where I was, without form, despite that I had form. It ignited further lucidity why I was still mildly afraid inside.

Even though the hurt prolonged, I was getting mending each day. If I still had ways to go, then I still had ways to go to have complete remembrance and balance. Whatever it was, I'd do it. It was if I couldn't help but truly do it. And maybe I was getting close to putting all the pieces together and had gotten scared.

Before Shiva revealed my birth in one of my dreams, I dreamt that I filled out an application to leave probation. I was a social worker, helping a boy client following his completion of his program. Approximately ten people were ahead of us in a room. Some were in line and some sat at tables, waiting. The only thing we had to do was to hand in the application, and it'd be done.

During it, I excused myself to go use the restroom. In a different body, I was short, with long black hair, sort of frizzy toward the end of its length, and immediately I understood that I had to cut it off. Then I looked at a small mirror and saw my head and chin, but the middle was a tint distorted. However, I was in light gold energy, and understood that I hadn't fully put myself back together or let the form go completely.

Back in the waiting area, I became impatient, waiting in line, so I went to the people in charge and handed them the forms.

"I only need to turn the application in, to leave!"

Despite I was gradually healing, I continued enduring waves of ups and downs of hurt and confusion. When alone, I felt such sadness, as something within was done, gone and dead. In another dream, I dreamt I chose a good guy to be with, and he chose me. We became a couple. He and I found ourselves sitting on bench inside a church, holding each other.

"I need to ask my mom for forgiveness," I said.

When I woke, I realized there was some sort of guilt for parting from my past, what I had known, behind. While trying to listen, nothing came. However, once I showered, after my work out, I lay quietly in my room and it arose.

"I'm sorry, Mom, if I ever hurt you in any way. I'm so sorry if I ever did anything to hurt you," I said, and cried.

Krishna appeared in my meditation, and it wasn't any different than looking at La. Even though I'd had much acceptance along the way, I didn't truly grasp that it was going to slam hard and be greatly difficult to fully accept. It was similar to when you knew something was coming, but when it came, it knocked you off like a hurricane, sweeping through a city and crashing everything down. It was challenging to admit this to myself.

Once reviewing the edits sent from the editor, I lay in bed to get a quick nap, though the room was hot. It was a beautiful, sunny spring day. I went to sit on the white swing briefly on the front porch, but was sleepy since I had been awake often, at night. Santi didn't sleep well, either.

An image of myself in Shiva's shape occurred, walking alongside the ocean. The light was dim. Amid observing water and walking on it, I dipped the trishul in and caught a brown necklace made of meditation beads. A cross hung on it. I picked it up and closely spectate. It was to my liking, so I hung it on the trishul next to the drum. Suddenly, I was on the old street in a community I used to live in, standing in front of a red stone brick church my family attended when we converted to Christianity, when we first immigrated to America.

I entered inside, heading towards the altar, and placed the necklace in the middle of it.

"Thank you so much for everything," I said, and was vulnerable. "I wouldn't be me without all the experiences I've gone through."

I bowed, then heading out, appreciating all aspects of who I was in full. Even being a Christian was myself, too. I sat momentarily on the cement steps, and then began strolling up the bare path. The climate was dark. It seemed I was aimless, without anywhere to go, as if I had no home. I strolled for some time, feeling forlorn at departing the past.

Later, I headed to Enlightenment Hall, the place of my sanctuary, my home. I sat at the front entrance before going in. I attempted to make pink lotus flowers appear. Most of them materialized, but they didn't bloom. I tried to open those, but it didn't feel the same, so I left them. Then I was in the clouds, lying in front of Shiva.

He was in silence, with three white lines across his forehead, with a round oval dot, a crescent moon stationed on his hair, and a small water fountain shooting. He was calm. A black Shiva lingam sat in front of him; however, I wasn't definite of its significance.

Though I was in his form, I was muscular. I had a brown cloth on, as if I was a warrior. My mane was matted, and top part was styled in tied knot bun. A pink lotus flower with a long stem lay in front of me. I grabbed it, looking at it while lying leisurely. Then I waved it in front of Shiva, but he quickly faded. Suddenly, the clouds shook like a big earthquake, and I fell, but was underwater, instead.

I came to shore with a swimming creature in my mouth. I let it go. There were many fish swimming, and I wondered if they were conditions I hadn't fully dealt with; though whatever I caught, I always let go. It didn't stick, and I wasn't attached to it. Whatever it was, it was.

Then I found myself cooking, making fish soup, baking and frying them.

Shiva came, observing.

"You're cooking it?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied. "Why not have fun with it?"

Momentarily, I was elsewhere, treading on an ocean full of ice, and then I saw the Destroyer in the same form, sitting in silence, with Shiva linga next to his side, with his palm raised.

"This is pretty big," I said, studying the thick frost.

I walked around, before lifting the trishul and let it down, splitting the hard ice in halves. I tried to see how deep it was. It was deep, and I realized a condition I had to break through, though I was unsure which one. Amid cracking the rigid surface, I saw I was in my own form. And in a moment, the lightning bolts shot through the heavy freeze, and just briefly, the ice was in pieces and water surfaced.

It became a vast, majestic sea shortly. I surfed in it, riding any waves that sailed my way. Then I headed toward the sand and sat. The Destroyer emerged out of the sea with a brilliant, light gold halo behind him resembling a big circle.

"You're so magnificent," I said, moved by his presence and filled with love. "You're so beautiful. You're truly the most magnificent one."

Just seconds later, Jesus flourished out the same way, with a brilliant, truly gold light circle behind him.

"You're my beloved," I said. "I love you so deeply, so truly and so completely."

They vanished. I sat by myself. Then Jesus stepped out of the waves, coming to sit next to me. As I was still down inside, it was nice to have him around as my friend. We talked for a bit, and I was aware I was talking to myself. He wasn't anyone else. He turned into me, and it was La Kingsavanh conversing with herself. I opened my eyes.

There was no question that it was painful to let go everything, and now I was without future or past, as if I'd come in full circle. Letting go of "me" or "I" was throbbing, no different than dark clouds rolling in. Periodically, I'd have small breakdowns. On my way home from buying plants to grow in our yard with Santi, after fetching him up from school, I yelled internally, calling Krishna's name many times. He hadn't appeared often.

"Do you love me?" I asked when he showed, as I was immensely vulnerable; at my weakest. "Do you love me?"

"Nothing can compare," he replied.

"I want you to love me until the end of time!" I said, tears filling my eyes. "I want you to love me until the end. Don't ever leave me!"

Sometimes it was though I was dancing through the motion, but for sure I was healing. Meanwhile, Santi played with his toys. I was upstairs, to have five minutes alone. He was firmly encouraged to play by himself.

An image of pink lotus flowers emerged, blooming in the expanse. Then they turned to be waving hands, paralleled to those flowers. Buddha showed with shimmering golden halo behind him. My mouth dropped in awe as I witnessed such flawlessness. When looking behind myself, I noticed I had the glow too, even though mine wasn't as brilliant, but was in a very soft gold.

"Do you want to go to Enlightenment Hall?" I asked.

"I'm already there," he replied, meaning that I was already there. He immediately took himself to the sanctuary, and I instantly did the same. Inside it, Buddha was everywhere with a radiating halo. Then we were surpassing the snowy clouds. It was the same: he was in all places, with a shiny circle behind him. When he faded, Quan Yin showed up in a similar fashion, with a clearest light gold or white halo behind her.

"Quan Yin! Quan Yin! Quan Yin!" I yelled lying on my back, missing her. She was my best friend and I was experiencing lingering pain. My radiance was comparable to hers.

"She's missing herself," I heard her say. When I got closer, I lay down. She observed my distress yet encouraged me to continue going through what I was going through. I opened my eyes.

The process helped me recall when Krishna had asked if I was "ready" when I came out of the old house, abandoning all to be with him, for all eternity. After witnessing everyone with halos, this also meant I had moved on from where I was, and now I was this gradually, although I wasn't certain what having a 'halo' or radiance behind my head symbolized.

When I looked this up on the internet, it meant a "holy" person, representing their holiness. Following my understanding, I was deeply proud for undergoing the arduous process of transformation and come to this. It was a relief in some ways. It also aided me recall my meditations of a couple of weeks ago, when I'd renounced, shaved my hair off, sacrificing then walked on aimlessly as a self-less, nobody and I heard "The Holy One."

Shiva was right. I needed "pure confidence", meaning to be "it," fully and completely, and in all-encompassing until there was no thought of it. Though it was painful to face the truth, I was glad I did; otherwise, I wouldn't have grown, expanded and entered to another realm of who I was.

A vision arose of looking at my other self.

"I love you, La Kingsavanh," I said. "There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you. I love you for all eternity. I can't go or be anywhere without you, my Soul."

My other self-cried, moved by my endless, untouched affection. "I get it now," I continued. "I love you until the end of time."

The one that needed my forgiveness was also me, so I apologized to myself, asking for my own forgiveness if I had ever done anything to hurt me. At night, I dreamt of coming out of my form. It didn't take long only three times before I was formless and transparent.

During the day, I was in low mood, on and off, like surfing waves. At times, I missed Krishna strongly, and was close to melting. However, by persevering through the process of self-understanding, I was much more confident. It seemed it was what I needed in order to gain unshaken sureness.

After I was done jogging on the treadmill, I was a shade despondent. Even though I came fairly far with myself, yet I had ways to go. It hurt, of course, even though I wasn't going to stop. An image emerged of looking up at a very high mountain. The sky was dark.

"I will climb it, all the way to the top," I said.

Amid climbing, a trident appeared in my hand. With persistence, I reached the very highest, eventually. Instantly my form changed into Shiva and I sat calmly.

"If I have to sit in deep meditation to gain full remembrance of myself, then I will!" I said. "If I have to be here for years and years, I will do it!"

Then, in front of a small tree, I silently sat, delving deep in meditation in the Himalayas, which was the name of the mountains that came to me.

Despite I was increasing the speed of my exercise, although I wasn't running as good, that day, and barely made it to five miles. Once finished, I headed upstairs to wash. Afterwards, I lay on my bed, closing my eyes. A flash befell of strolling toward Quan Yin in the flower fields.

The place was covered with variety of beautiful blossoms: yellow, blue, and white ones. The soft sun displayed itself magnificently. Some big orbs drifted in the atmosphere. It was peaceful.

"Quan Yin," I said.

"Quan Yin," she said. We both had straw baskets in our arms, picking those floras. Gradually, I turned into her.

"It's like paradise," I commented, scanning the breathtaking sceneries.

"Yes, when you have yourself," she responded. She vanished. I continued gathering the colorful blooms.

That day, I wasn't my best. I noticed my frustration with little things, including yelling at Santi for not putting his toys away or not washing his hands properly after I picked him up from class. My head was pounding with bad headache, so I persistently rubbed my forehead. The headache stemmed from enduring what I was going through in the last week, working on the memoir and coming up with different titles for the book. I could go with book titles which came in my dreams.

Book 1 was Memoirs of Aum. The Romance of the Gods. The Beginning, and Book 2 was Memoirs of Aum. The Romance of the Gods. The Eternal.

Since I was tired, I fell asleep with the little guy after putting him to bed at night. When he made noises near morning, waking me up, I couldn't fall to snooze. More and more, I noticed inside, I was vacant, void: nobody at all more so than I ever had been. The more formless or self-less I became, the more meaningless and purposeless I was.

Shutting my eyes for meditation, I was immediately at the beach. The tide was high, and there wasn't much sand. The ocean atmosphere reminded me of Krishna. We had been to this coastline, so I missed him and wanted to make love to him, but he was me, now. When he showed it provoked pain because the relationship had changed to La making love to herself.

Suddenly there were sparkles in one area of water, alike to sparkly diamonds, and a large sea creature was seen swimming further in the deep. Shortly, the sparkles were inside my palm. I walked towards aqua and placed my hand in it. The dazzling light spread throughout the sea. Yet, as I kept going deeper, it began to dry. The deeper I went, the dryer it got. The marine creature, a lovely orca, lay in the middle without water; however, nearby was pure, light white energy. I rubbed its back.

"Hi, my love," I said. "Do you want water? I'm sorry. I will leave and the water will come."

I headed to land, and the water returned.

"It's all yours!"

I strolled on shore, wearing a long black skirt and a black and white sweater. A little girl came by.

"Want to make sandcastles?" I asked.

At a spot with more gravel, we built different types of houses. When glancing at her, I saw she had my face, but in a five-year-old's body.

"You can turn into me, if you want," I said. I was okay with myself now.

Promptly the wet sand dried, aided my immediate comprehension. The hurt and pain I'd endured in the last weeks was healing and I was getting better, while gaining clearer understanding, acceptance, and awareness of changes transpiring.

Shiva appeared everywhere in the ocean, and his halo grew bigger. Behind me, mine was as big and transparent as his. He vanished. Abruptly, a skeleton appeared for a few seconds, then broke into pieces. My form had come down to just bones and nothing else; then they were gone. All that would be left was formlessness.

I stood, strolling until a little black dog, a Shih Tzu, ran to me with a leash. I walked with the puppy briefly and then took off the rope and noticed the chains tied to its neck. I took them all off and observed that they were like white Scotch tape.

"Go. Run!" I said. It ran. "Jump!"

It hopped higher each time. "Good job!"

About five copies of myself appeared, holding hoopla rings. The little dog hopped through them all, although on the last ring, it jumped past, but its form was gone, leaving its fur on the ground. Another copy of myself showed, carrying a chubby white and brown furry pup in her arms. Unsure how it was going to make it due to its size, but it glided, passing them all. Nevertheless, after the last ring, only its fur was left. It came out of its body, so I created a small bonfire and burned the dog furs. In a moment, I flew through the rings and then walked ahead, the golden light radiated akin to a gigantic sun.

"Magnificent," I said as I headed toward it, in awe of its ultra-brilliance.

"The magnificent one," I heard.

Then I wondered how things were in the Himalayas. Quickly, I was in front of Shiva, witnessing him living the life of an ascetic, roaming in the woods. He was thin, with a long beard and gray white ash smeared his body. When he meditated, I sat in front of him. He had a wooden jug nearby, either for water or honey. Inside, it was almost dry: there was only shiny water (or something close) at very bottom of it. He gradually turned into Shiva wearing a tiger skin with a crescent moon on top of his hair. Meditation beads hung on his neck and three white lines with a long dot on his forehead; he was in deep silence.

It rained, and King covered his head to protect him. Another king cobra came to shelter mine. The rain got heavy. King expanded wide, as if he had multiple heads, to shield Shiva and I from the downpour. The rain stopped. I observed Shiva and felt that I had to go sit, as he, to find out where I was. Assuming his body, I found myself inside a building like an old temple that had treasures in it. Soon, gold coins poured from a black-tarped wall. Endless shimmering gold monies kept streaming. Then they changed into liquid gold. The whole place gleamed with treasure.

I searched to see what else was there besides it, and found a golden key, but saw no keyhole. I came out from his form, but had a feeling there was more, so I stuck my head inside, browsing the area. This time, it held black spikes, big and small, containing fluid gold covering the ground. Eventually, I located a beaming golden Buddha statue sitting by itself.

"Wow!" I said, and grabbed it in my hand, bringing it out, stunned and speechless of its brilliance. Observing it with big eyes, I said: "There has to be more."

I pounded my fist on the idol. Golden light sprung from it, like lighting bugs, and filled the whole vicinity.

"Spread everywhere," I said, understanding that the deepest of my core was love and compassion, which was truly untouched. Afterwards, light gold Buddha figures large and tiny spread filling the zone close by. I got up to observe. Then, more and more expanded universally, to where there were only endless Buddha.

Not long after, I found myself in a canoe on the Mekong River. I wasn't definite if the canoe operated on its own or if someone rowed it, since I was in astonishment of the Buddha statues that covered both sides of the waterway, as well as water itself, though they were transparent.

"Final Nirvana," I heard suddenly.

"Final Nirvana," I whispered, almost in tears. As we rowed, I was touched by how far I had come and in disbelief over what I had gone through in the last weeks, which had brought me here.

"Everywhere, nowhere," I heard. "Everyone, no one."

"Everywhere, nowhere," I repeated. "Everyone, no one."

Suddenly I understood. I needed to go through inner changes, remembrance, and facing more of who I was before I'd ultimately be this peaceful land itself.

"If I have to be in Final Nirvana, then I will be in it," I said then opened my eyes.

Daily, I noticed inside that if I was living the life of a wanderer, caring little over my clothes or my appearance. I'd wear pajamas to go grocery stores and the same clothes to take Santi to school. The more shapeless and invisible I was, the more invincible I was, too, as if I was able to do things without having much thought behind them, like I wasn't afraid or even disturbed.

A flash of strolling next to Shiva transpired. He was in his youth, walking confidently, manly, with his chest erect. He had a short white cloth skirt tied around his waist, and was carrying a bow and arrows in a quiver.

"What are we hunting for?" I asked, trying to stick out my chest and walking sternly, like him. We were in a dry red land. He didn't answer; we trudged until about five buffalo showed up. He immediately fired his arrow and hit the buffalo in the eye.

"You have to hit it in the eye?" I asked, couldn't believe him.

Momentarily, I flew to the bison, took off the arrow, and healed its eye by placing my hand around it, with golden energy. The eye became normal again; however, I noticed the animal had cloudy skins in the eyes, blocking from seeing clearly. I stripped them off. They became clear, and then I returned to stroll next to the Destroyer.

He was going to shoot again.

I asked: "What are you shooting at?"

A large white bird sailed in the spotless firmament.

"It's going to lay eggs. Don't shoot!" I shouted.

We rested on upper zone of a small hill of the dry land at night. I noticed the buffalo didn't have enough to eat, so I put green grass in front of them, as they were eating dry clay dirt. Green grass didn't fill the land. Inwardly, I was tired, depleted by the transformation I had to go through, and not certain how I was going to even make it, as I was truly fatigued. I lay flat on my front as I had no more strength. He fired an arrow at the feathered friend, but I reached out my arm to heal it as soon as the weapon hit it, despite how washed up and burnt out I was. Even when a few feathers fell from its wing, I gathered and restored them back on the bird.

"Compassion," he said.

He left. I was by myself, gazing at evening heavens, with flashing stars. By myself, I thought I should have a yang, there; a masculine energy. Then I thought of Krishna, wanting him to come by.

In the morning, I took out a flute and played, making green grass cover the region of dry ground. By playing the instrument, I transformed everything. Even the hill morphed into one level full of lush grass: plenty for the bison to enjoy. The flute was still golden, with different designs on it, this time. It was much stronger, and sterner.

With ongoing inner changes, I noticed my quick fuse. In the morning before taking Santi to class, I yelled and slammed the door. Repeating myself often with him, to get him to do his routines, became tiring. We argued, screaming at one another down the neighborhood road in the early morning. The desire in me was getting low.

I drove to grocery stores with my pajama pants and winter house socks on, wearing two sweatshirts with two hoods and looking no different than if I'd just thrown anything on me. I missed Krishna, and mumbled to myself, listening to music.

_Why didn't he tell me we were going to be completely one when he asked if I was ready? Why didn't he tell me that it would just be me, now_?

Even though he had told me; it was certainly tough, what I had to go through. At times I couldn't translate it into words.

Would I have backed out if I knew? Would I not do it?

Then I screamed vocally inside as I sat in the parking lot with my head on the steering wheel. The subsequent morning, I was very low in energy, immensely spent. Though I'd had good rest, I was stressed and worn out. That day, I was supposed to take Santi on an outing. It was Saturday. Since his spring break, I'd been taking him to various events almost every day and every weekend. Now I was considerably fatigued, I couldn't do it anymore. It was if I was truly consumed from all the transformations I had undergone, writing, and raising a son. I was on the verge of breaking down, again. When he watched his show, I retired on my bed silently, needing to be with myself.

A flash of being in dim light developed, watching rotating wheels of sand buckets. The wheels spun, dumping away sand. Some were half empty and some were almost completely bare. In a moment, I helped doing the work.

"I don't need it anymore," I said. "I'm returning it to where it came from. I have no need for it anymore."

I blew the gravel to the ocean shore. There were piles of shingle along the side of the sea. Another copy of me appeared.

"What are you going to do with it?" she asked.

"I can use it to grow flowers. I can turn it into soil so that other things can benefit from it," I said.

"You're truly compassionate," she praised.

"I am," I replied. I headed into the ocean; it changed into dry dirt, so I transformed it into moist soil for grass, trees, and flowers to grow.

When I stopped meditating, I stepped downstairs to eat breakfast, with insurmountable stressed inside. More and more, aware I was nobody; air; invisible. I observed my hands, as if they'd just appeared. Following breakfast, I came upstairs and broke down, not knowing what to do and how to go on.

"I'm so tired. I'm so, so tired," I said, crying.

As I reflected on my meditations, I realized that, without a doubt, everything I did was of pure love and a compassion for Self. Despite being truthfully depleted, hurt, and in pain, I wouldn't and couldn't stop. Images of healing a deer materialized, and even though I was wounded and had zero desire to help then, yet I cared for it without question, and flew in front of a bird to protect it from arrows, and healed the stork despite being deeply drained. I was sacrificing myself for other sentient beings.

In addition, I was aware of my fear relating to changes taking place, not yet comfortable with being invisible. It was a gradual step of transforming, though now I was much more; to where it as was though I was truly invisible, shapeless, and homeless, with nowhere to go and no one to be.

Sean and Santi left for an outing, and I stayed home and cleaned. It was nice that Sean volunteered to take our boy to an exhibit instead of me going, as I wasn't in the state to do so. After showering, I was in my room, ready for a doze. I listened to a Buddhist chant to put me to rest. Nevertheless, when I woke, I was sullen, wanting to cry.

"Krishna! Krishna! Krishna!" I screamed loudly within, then closed my eyes.

Quickly, lightning strikes flashed, with a white aura circling them in darkness. The sight was immaculate, I sailed there. Lightning flashes surrounded light poles with the purest white energy. It was if I'd entered another realm. Everywhere, there was this. Then a strong wind blew where I soared. A white tiger and deer ran, as if the storm was ripping everything apart. Buddha statues were all around, on my right side.

One smaller figure stood out from the rest as light displayed upon it. I grabbed it and carried the idol with me.

"You're entering another realm," I heard.

"What realm?" I asked.

"God realm," I heard.

Uncertain of the reason for this, as I thought I'd entered it already, but kept flying. Soon I was surpassing the clearest cottony, puffy clouds, and saw Quan Yin. She was breathtakingly beautiful, looking very angelic, and her white Goddess dress was unparalleled white. Upon my arrival, she might have informed I was in 'God realm', nevertheless not too definite, and 'there is no difference.'

She vanished. I opened my eyes and went downstairs to finish eating ripe mangos with rice, then returned my sister's call. She invited me to go to her house for 'game night', but she was told this might not happen due to my fatigue. In the evening, I left to purchase an avocado smoothie for my niece at a Vietnamese restaurant and then picked up pizzas from her house for dinner.

On my way there, a vision surfaced being on clear vapors from earlier. Quan Yin was present, so I extended my hand to make her disappear. White tigers and light brown deer were there, lying on the clouds with a Buddha statue. I sat relaxing until I noticed I had turned completely formless, with only an outline showing that it was me. I was holding a trishul in my hand, which was also transparent. I had seen and been formless countless times, although this turn was different.

It seemed that now I was myself, and it was deeply liberating, so I stood up, dancing back and forth in disbelief. The hurt and pain I'd endured was worth it. Then Krishna appeared in the same way: formless and clear, with only an outline of him. I ran towards the Divine God and jumped on him.

"I miss you," I said. "I love you."

It didn't matter if he was me or not me. I was truly in love, aware that this love was so clear and enlightened. It was as if I wasn't afraid of myself, and I didn't think about it.

"Why didn't you tell me we are going to be like this?" I asked, completely crystal clear, with only true, pure, invisible love inside.

"You have to come to it yourself," he said.

Now I was glad to have undergone a challenging transformation and remembrance, to be where I was. I loved 'us' being formless, as if there were no 'he or I'. We were just Self, playing and loving each other.

The thought that there was 'me' or 'him' didn't occur: now there was only oneness and love-ness.

Then I put one finger to my hand, making it exist. My shape manifested, but it was transparent. When I tried touching myself, I was air; nothing was there, just pure consciousness. Shortly, I noticed I had grown bigger, in my formless form, and saw Buddha sitting inside, stationed as my core. I smiled. Immediately I was Shiva, shapeless and endless, as entirety itself, with everything inside me, as I was invisible and couldn't be seen. Never did I realize to this extent that being formless was deeply freeing.

The Gods showed up, sitting around me, unformed. I beamed, and put faces on them, then switched them back into non-form again.

Another image came later at night. I sat on a tree limb, observing myself as a gecko, squirrel, moon, and stars. More and more, I wasn't too afraid to be La, and accepted my aloneness. Krishna had informed of this a few times: the journey was for me to be with myself. Here, I was, and I was okay with it.

Sometimes I yelled his name. During the day, after taking a break from working on the previous memoirs' introduction, I meditated, but had hoped to doze, instead. A flash ensued. I was in gray pajama pants and a red pajama shirt, walking along a quiet ocean side. The grass alongside it was brown and nearly dead. A trishul popped in my hand. Suddenly I danced, singing: "La is Shiva. La is Shiva. La, La. La is Shiva. La, La."

Then I wanted to chop my hair, and went to see a monk, requesting him to shave it off completely. Once hairless, my attire changed to a light blue monk's robe and I wore a meditation bead on my neck. I looked identical to a male monk, strolling with a trishul on one hand, with the other hand in front of my chest.

I entered a forest and saw a man with matted hair and a beard, in a brown loin cloth. Immediately, I heard: "The great Shiva."

So, I watched him. He created a little area to sleep by using tree limbs. He hung a tiger casing on it when he finished building. Afterwards, I strode elsewhere, though found myself where I was previous, when I'd lived as an ascetic in a remote mountain, as Shiva. The highland felt as if it was my home. Shortly, I stood in front of the river, where I came down to drink and swim.

It seemed as if the vast stream was an 'eternal river': it came alive after I put my golden energy into it, as if it was my blessing. Then I was back on the top of the tallest peak, still in monk form. Shiva appeared, sitting in meditation, and I walked toward him.

I wondered how he stayed alive. When peering into his jar, there was little white rice. The rest was water. Did he bring some rice when he went down to the river? It seemed he lived a harsh life as an ascetic. An image of when I was in the mountain surfaced, surviving a life of austerity, and my body was gaunt.

"What's the purpose? What's the goal?" I asked. "What do you try to achieve?"

"There's no purpose. There's no goal," he replied. "There's no achievement. It is my choice of practice. I speak without goals. I do, with no purpose. I laugh with no reason."

Tears suddenly wet my eyes. I was touched by what he said because this was me, La Kingsavanh, now so deeply and so completely purposeless and meaningless, nobody.

At night, I dreamt I killed king cobra with a stick by pushing against his neck to stop it from breathing, but was unsure why I'd done this. When I rose at sunrise, it confused me, because King was my beloved snake (although in the dream it was cobra). During my drive home from a store with Santi in the late afternoon, a vision of a cobra appeared.

He was flying. Suddenly it entered into my mouth and sat straight, from my head to my abdomen, before morphing into energy in my hollow body. At first, I wasn't certain what this meant, but then I remembered that when I killed it in the past and drank its blood, I had done so for its power.

For the next couple of days, I just mainly worked on the introduction for the third memoir and spent time with my dear son. He had been pushed by other kids at his school. His knee was scraped. He was a bit emotional, wanting to be held going from school to home. He was encouraged to stand up for himself. For some reason, he was afraid to, but he wasn't frightened to yell or scream at Sean or myself.

In one of my dreams, I rode on a crowded bus with my late father.

"You're a burden to me," I said, staring straight at him.

Certainly, this was something that needed to be dealt with (relating to my father). While driving home from a supermarket, I thought of visiting my father's gravesite, but didn't have the desire to go. An image of him barging in the kids' room befell, after I told him not to distract them as they were napping. It took more than half an hour to put my niece and nephew to bed by singing and rubbing their backs. Since he didn't wear his hearing aid, he entered their room, waking the kids after he was firmly asked not to.

"I can't believe him," I said, frustrated and facing my resentful emotions. A flash developed of him walking as a baby. He must've been around 15 or more months by now in his new life, after his passing more than a year ago.

"I wish you well," I said. "I wish you happiness."

That morning, I was vulnerable. Repressed emotions surfaced. My menstrual cycle was near. As I was listening to my favorite song, I screamed Krishna's name a few times. Then I went to lie on my bed to meditate. I put on some Buddhist calming music.

An image of being under a building with a shining light emerged. I traveled through it. A long ladder appeared, and I climbed. Then I was in energy, rising up the long ladder with monks sitting in meditation in rows.

"She's going all the way," I heard one of them say.

"I don't stop," I said. "I can only go all the way."

Next, I was in Mekong River, rowing the gray wood canoe. No Buddha statues surrounded the atmosphere, as they had previously. It was a serene climate. In a moment, a few fishermen appeared, rowing their boats, with fishing nets. Just momentarily, I stopped about to get out to go to the right side to a nearby town; yet I didn't. There was no desire: nothing was there. Again, I rowed briefly and stopped, about to get up to go to the left side, but there was nothing; no desire. Immediately, I levitated into the air and lay flat on my face in the middle of the sky. Everything turned into energy and I was see-through.

"There are no sides to me anymore," I whispered. I'll stay in the middle.

It was home, being at the center. Then I observed people in their boats below. They were all see-through, but in forms. I stretched my hand down to touch a fisherman's body, but my hand passed through him.

We are energies taking forms, but are formless.

Buddha showed up, he was crystal clear, in meditation with an open palm. I sat up and moved my palm over to meet his. Then I started slowly spinning, with my palm open.

"I am everyone. I am no one," I said. "I am All. I am All."

"Complete enlightenment," I heard.

I got a headache, so I stopped rotating, then I was in a dark forest filled with energy. A black train speeded my direction, the same one I'd rode on, although it looked little dissimilar this time. It circled back. I flew on top of it. It took me somewhere not known and stopped.

"Your journey ends here," I heard.

"What?" I exclaimed. "I don't end. I thought I have more to go."

"Who told you that?" I heard. "You?"

"Yes," I replied.

The clearest light emitted through airy smokes, and I raised myself to it.

"Where is here?" I asked, observing purest light.

"The Eternal Truth. Self. Love. God," it replied.

Soon, I dropped and rolled; then sat.

"I'm okay to be myself, now. I'm okay to be me, La Kingsavanh: who I choose."

No one was there except for me, resting and relaxing. There was no need for anything. All was there, contentment.
At night, it was tough to fall asleep. The room was boiling. The weather jumped from being really chilly, gradually moved to hot, and then pure humidity. I tossed and turned, trying to snooze with a small fan on. Then I thought I should go to the clouds with the light shining where I was, as I was the only one there.

I made a cat appear and then a fish fillet in a bucket in front of a bonfire. I petted the cat's head and we sat, as I cooked the fish. I gave some to my furry friend. Then I made a marshmallow appear and stuck it on a twig to roast. Once it was prepared, I tasted it a little but didn't want it anymore. The fillet was done, but I wasn't sure if I liked the taste.

Shortly, big white birds flew by. I waved hello, asking where they were heading. They answered they were going towards the north after learning it was full of fish. They gathered in a quiet pond with growing lilies amid the setting sun, eating. I dropped some fish from the bucket, giving it to the birds. Then I sat with my leg up. There was nothing much to do. So, I thought of putting 'humans' on Earth. Many manifested, and I watched them.

"Humans?" the cat asked.

"Yes," I said, walking and watching in admiration. "Beings."

"Beings?" the cat continued. "You're a being?"

"Yes," I said. "I thought it up."

The more I created, the more I remembered I'd put everything here, which meant I couldn't blame anyone; it was all my doing, all along. I was being God, myself.

In the morning, I waited for Santi to rise and get ready for school. A vision of Krishna emerged. I went to him and we made love.

"Do you love me?" I asked. "Tell me you love me."

"Nothing can compare my love for you. Nothing at all," he said. "We are each other."

"We are each other," I repeated.

In the afternoon, after reading over this memoir, I lay relaxing in my bed. A flash of Krishna and I making love surfaced again.

"I love you," I said. "You're still the only God for me. I must go on without you."

Then, I burst into tears.

What did I just say? Why did I say that? I didn't mean it.

I continued lying motionless full of cries, not knowing what was going on.

How can I ever be without Krishna? How can I ever be without my husband? I don't know what I'm saying.

Later, I descended the stairs, drank a cold Sprite, and thought: I might be able to do it. I might be okay with it. I can take a risk. He'll always be here. I can take a risk. He's always with me.

It'd be an enormous frightening step, but I was going to take it, to see what La was all about.

The next sunrise Santi got up early, but I lay on my bed, attempting to get more rest, but couldn't. He ran downstairs to wake Sean. He tried on his new tennis shoes, which had strings instead of velcro.

An image arose of making love to Krishna. Subsequently, he pulled a baby from my stomach, but it didn't move, and I couldn't see its face; only the back.

"The baby didn't make it," he said.

"What?" I asked, surprised and nervous. "What's going on? What does it mean?"

Pacing, I wondered what was occurring.

"We'll get a new one! We'll get another one! I won't stop. I will continue! I will continue with or without you! I will go on with or without you!" I shouted, staring at him. "You're me now! You're me now!"

I returned to where I was, on snowy smokes with light, and walked. Suddenly a guitar appeared in my hand and I strummed, making music. I strolled strumming and humming, until a song came to me.

I continued singing; however, the strings kept breaking, but new ones replaced them immediately. Once I was done, new strings were intact. I set the acoustic guitar down. Then a book appeared without a cover, contained only blank and transparent pages. A strong wind blew, ripping white sheets from the book and scattering them everywhere. I tore apart the ones that were left and throwing them all over.

"Let them be everywhere," I said.

While sitting, I wondered what would happen if I completely let go of 'control'. This was one of the conditions of which I was continually mindful and aware of. After going through the process of inner changes and remembrance more and more, I was relaxed and not too uptight, although things came down to just transparency; as if there wasn't a lot to anything. Everything could crumble in front of me and it wouldn't do much to me.

An image transpired of treading with a greyhound dog, but it didn't have a leash. We played catch for a bit. Then, maybe about twenty African Americans appeared on land that soon turned into a farm. I watched. They rolled wet dirt into mud balls. I joined in to move one, then observed. They planted green rice. Just briefly, the growing was nearly finished, and the farm was full of soft greenery. One by one, they vanished except for one man.

"Why make that?" he asked, referring to 'slavery'.

"I don't know, my love," I replied. "I just create."

We ascended the stairs of a bare hut, with straw roof, like the one in which I'd relaxed in beforehand. There wasn't detail to it.

"Want to eat fish soup?" I asked and cooked it. When it was ready, we ate together. Then I reached my hand to touch his face. He was lean, with beautiful, shiny dark skin.

"Thank you for being here, my love," I said, in tears as love overcame me. He was also there as a friend, as I was still sad and alone inside. "I love you with my all."

He soon vanished. In a moment, approximately twenty Asian farmers came, dressed in blue tie-dyed clothing with black and white towels wrapped around their heads. They'd arrived to harvest. Wanting to observe closely, I descended the stairs. The rice contained only dry leaves. I made close to ten cows come by to eat the hay. Abruptly, though, a big green Incredible Hulk showed up, in crystal clear shape and was about to punch me in the face. I extended my arm to meet his fist, pushing it towards him.

"There's no need," I said.

He vanished. Somehow, letting go of my anger saddened me. That was who the Incredible Hulk symbolized. Any aspect of myself I burned off, I grieved. Then I trekked on dead hay and thought of playing banjo with Quan Yin. She immediately arrived, sitting in the sky.

We played for some time, then she left. I played the musical tool alone and thought I could be with myself now. I didn't have to be alone, yet I could be alone with myself. Very quickly, an entire metropolis existed, and I strolled on a busy street, playing the instrument.

People hurried in and out of shops, cafes, restaurants, and buildings. I went to sit by the fountain next to an elderly black man. His skin was lighter, wearing a hat, a trench coat, and slacks, like a professor.

We sat feeding some birds that were there. The sun shone magnificently on our faces.

"It's a beautiful sunny day," he commented.

"Yes, it is," I responded, talking to no one, but myself. "Thank you, my love."

I bowed and left, returning to the dry farm, treading alone. Shiva showed up with a white porcelain skin tone, in the sky and formless.

"You're doing good, being with yourself," he said.

Then I was in a semi-dark room. The Destroyer was now in a beige skin-toned form. He seemed like a statue that had come alive.

"You're so handsome," I said, wanting to make love to him. And, we did. "It's been a while since we made love."

Later, I was in another room. Everything was in clay. Suddenly, I was moving through tubes. They got smaller and smaller.

"I can get through anything," I said, going past them. "I can get through anything at all."

Then I shot from the tiniest tube, into the empty space. Shiva waited.

"I love you," I said, and started kissing him. Shortly, Krishna appeared in a distance. I stopped and went to him.

"You can never get away from me!" I said, hugging him with such immense love. He faded. The Destroyer stood in front of me; however, the desire to be intimate was gone. I opened my eyes and came out of meditation.

At night, I dreamt that Krishna asked me to 'let him go'. This request had me down on my knees, tearing my guts apart, and I broke into cries, telling him, "I don't know how! I don't know how!"

This was like when I had to let Vishnu go. In the morning, I was brooding. Krishna was right: letting go of everything was hard, as he'd tried to console during the process. Within, it felt like there was death as well as rebirth, in a way, because, even more so, my inside and the outside were one and the same. The more I transformed and remembered, the more liberating it was to be Self, that everything was here as I was here, instantly. It seemed I was in a whole new dimension or God realm.

The next evening, I dreamt that a friend who was pregnant had delivered earlier than her expected due date. The baby was born while she stood, although it looked healthy.

"Put the baby back in so it's full term," I said.

"You can't put the baby back in when it is out," she said.

We tried to contact her doctor to assess the health of the newborn, but somehow her physician wouldn't speak to me unless my friend gave permission. Then I wasn't sure what happened.

When I woke, I was lighter: not as gloomy. Undoubtedly, what I went through was challenging, and at times I asked Krishna why he didn't inform of how completely tough it was going to be, as I cried on and off.

However, I wondered what my dream meant, since before that, the baby had died and now it was premature, though healthy in all ways. When I closed my eyes to meditate amidst Santi went downstairs to play, I found myself at parched farmland, walking on dead stalks. The rice had all been harvested. Also, I noticed that some stems were partly green. It could be something inside that hadn't fully healed. Shortly a monkey with gray fur was coming by, and I petted it. Tall green grass grew on my left side, along with some trees. More monkeys showed up in branches.

Then wild buffalo raced into the fields of grassland. I followed them meanwhile observing the bottom of the grass. The water was very shallow. Soon, they all disappeared one by one, as did the monkeys. I walked on and noticed that my outfit had changed. I had on a straw hat and shoes with simple clothes, like a farmer, and held a staff. Night came, I made a bonfire. A brown farm rat ran by, eating whatever was around, and sat in front of the burning flames with me. When all the woods had torched, we went to bed. In the morning, the sun shone, and I got up and treaded. Some water surfaced. I drank it then sat leisurely, playing with small tall-stemmed grasses, not thinking of anything or what I was doing or holding.

Afterwards, I got up and trudged on the lifeless range. Parrots appeared and walking in front of me until close to hundred more arrived. They then flew into the spotless heaven.

"Beautiful," I said, and continued strolling before resting somewhere. With a knife in my hand, I cut little sticks and sharpened their ends, piling them. There were nearly ten, once I was done. It seemed I had no thoughts of anything: no past, no future, and nothing before or behind, but just this Moment itself. I got up to stride. It looked like this was what I truly narrow down to: simplicity, contentment, and no need for anything.

Shortly, I came upon an endless pond full of pink lilies, reflected by the beaming sun. I headed into it, seeing that some of the flowers resembled red roses, though there were no thorns. However, one of them looked unreal when I closely observed. I dipped into water and floated in it like a seal, as if I could be in water without breathing or struggling for air. It became natural, as now I was invisible and without form.

Nevertheless, I emerged from it, wet. My clothes changed to a white tee-shirt and black skirt. My hair was little below my shoulders and it was soaked. I kept glancing at the sun. However, it lowered itself to where I could touch it.

"I love you," I said moved by its affection, and rubbed my face against it.

"I love you," it said. "Come up."

I drifted upwards, took off my wet clothes, and sat in a meditation pose with my hands on my lap as the golden, magnificent sun displayed behind me. Amid sitting, I turned more and more into Buddha, with golden, radiating halo illuminated behind. Tears wet my cheeks, as I was truly moved. Gradually, my shape faded, and I became golden energy, like the sun, until there was nothing, clear. Amidst observing dry farm and heavenly sky, I became unseen, invisible, and shapeless.

Then, I was in my form again, donning long black skirt and tight white tee-shirt and holding a much taller staff. I tried shrinking it by reaching out my hand, but it didn't change. I kept heading toward the glowing circle.

"There she goes," I heard. "The most beautiful one."

Then I was treading without a staff. The beaming sun was now above my head. Sometimes it wrapped itself around me, and I smiled.

Daily, it was similar, I'd miss Krishna and the love I'd had with him. When I looked in the mirror, I couldn't explain precisely why there was no form, though there was one, but there was no thought behind it or of it. Within, things were getting lighter; however, there was lingering sadness, as if everything was done.

A couple of times, my dreams had been about being formless. In those dreams, I told myself to write them down, but when I woke up and did other things, I forgot them.

In meditation, before getting out of bed, I found myself going through spirally wormhole. This time, it had electricity in it. I traveled through it before I came to a small river with empty huts along both sides. I poured gasoline on top of those sheds and made a fire manifest to burn them. After they were torched, they turned into soil. Suddenly, I rode on a tractor, preparing to farm. Many green rice bundles appeared. I stepped down and planted them into earth that had water. Since it was endless, I extended my arm to make rolls of rice plant themselves everywhere.

Very shortly, it was ready to gather. It quickly ripened, so I harvested by riding on a harvest machine. After finished, I studied the grains, amazed by them.

"They are so healthy," I said. Briefly, many farmers stopped by. It was nighttime. I cooked and shared. Then I was ready to grow more. The ground turned moist. I grew the pack of lime stalks. The fields were covered of mature greeneries when this was completed. Soon, it was ready to crop. It looked as though I'd do this until I was entirely grown; until everything was in me as myself. Not too long, I found myself preparing rice. I opened my eyes from meditation.

The following night, I missed Krishna. He was instantly there, of course; right in front of me. We were both invisible, as we made love. Even our lovemaking changed. Our light, smoky white energies which had no distinction intertwined like a spiral, and sometimes there was just clearest energy where there was no difference, as if One was making love to oneself.

"You're my consciousness," I said, crying. "You're my consciousness, Krishna. You're my consciousness."

It is the most beautiful of consciousness.

Then, I finally asked.

"Help me," I said, close to crying, as it had been challenging. "Please help me get used to being formless. Please help me."

It was certainly arduous, with inward changes transpiring. Although it wasn't nearly like it had been initially, when I felt I had a thousand deaths to overcome, nonetheless, the challenges persisting were immense that no words could describe them. At times, I wished I hadn't come to this, for it hurt badly as I let it all go, grieving on and off for what I had known, and remembering; being mindful, aware, and conscious; as well as being on my own. However, though, I noticed that my pure confidence grew as I came to deeply remember and be who I was while I was going through the process.

One morning, Santi got up very early. After he rose, it was difficult to return to asleep. Lying in bed, I meditated. It looked like I was finished farming, as I found myself preparing and eating rice at night. The cooked grain was pure white. No farmers or animals came to join me. Later, I got up to walk, holding a staff in my hand. It switched into daytime. The staff was taller than my height. The head of it was a golden dragon, when I peered closer to observe it.

Abruptly, everything changed into energy whereas I was treading on ground. To touch the air, I held up my hand. A copy of myself appeared, sitting way in the sky, shapeless, with light clouds floating by and through her as she gently waved two fingers. I watched as I strolled. The whole place was filled with clear energy and moving small, light vapors.

"The water will come," she said.

"I don't mind it," I replied.

"You don't mind it," she said.

"I don't mind at all," I responded.

"She doesn't mind anything," I heard her say.

The water started surfacing from underneath and gradually became an ocean. I lay atop a beige surfboard with one hand under my head as water made gentle movements, and I glanced at the sky. The board vanished. I lay on water. The sun radiated as I continued lying there, calmly. The sea dried up and I lay on ground. Momentarily, I got up. A hailstorm came, and large ones poured on my head. One shiny hailstone landed on my open palm. I was about to taste it. Then a big one, the size of a boulder, hit me hard in the head.

"Ouch!" I said.

Little blood dripped. Next, heavy snow dumped on me, piling to my chest (but only where I stood). A shower appeared. I washed and noticed that the blood from where the large hailstone had cut was rinsed by water.

Afterwards, I sat in front of a bonfire. It was night. I gathered little twigs which I found in the area where I sat and threw them into the flames, then reached my hand to feel the hot, burning logs. There was nothing to it: it was empty and invisible; neither hot nor cold, with no pain or suffering. It seemed I could lie on the bed of blazes and it'd be nothing, as if it wasn't there; as if I couldn't be harmed. If I was hurt, that was my choice, but soon it'd fade, and I'd invisible and formless again. More and more, inwardly, I wasn't disturbed. Then I lay on earth, closed my eyes, and fell asleep. The sun rose. I got up and strolled.

Cloudy stairs existed. I stepped up them and came to the clearest silvery clouds. An old man with a long white beard and hair that was neatly combed sat Indian style, wearing a white outfit. His appearance was alike Lao-tzu, with his hair partly pulled back (a style from ancient China). Everything around him was the purest porcelain, including the cloud he sat on, and behind him, as well as his attire.

"Who are you?" I asked. He stood up, didn't say a word, and walked ahead. A staff just like mine popped into his hand.

"My love, myself," I said with a bow as I followed the elderly. In a moment, I remembered. It was approximately a year after reaching enlightenment was last I'd encountered him in the forest in one of my meditations and had asked the same question. His answer then was, "God." Now I understood.

We ascended the snowy smokes a bit more before I saw a swirling bright light portal. I dove in and grinded myself through because it became identical to a spinning fan. When I came out, the old man was there. Another gateway of energy surfaced, but it was going downward. Again, I delved into it. It gradually lowered me, as if I was descending the stairs, while dead leaves scattered all over inside. The old man watched.

The energy launched me to where he was, with a dead leaf in the tip of my mouth. Some were on my hair. I picked them off. Then, we ascended.

"There's no more," I said softly. "There's no more."

He stepped aside, letting me stride by. I watched the clearest sky, standing on the cloud.

"This is final nirvana," I said immediately.

"If you say it is, then it is," he said. He handed me the staff. I looked at it, deeply moved and wanting to cry.

"It's mine," I said, reaching my hand to grab it. "It's always mine."

"It's always been," he said, then faded.

Suddenly, I found myself lying in water elsewhere, before it dissolved into land, full of dead leaves. They assembled themselves, like a creature, and crawled away. The beautiful sun reflected as I sat at ease, and was deeply softened as the purest joy emerged. I lifted a dead brown leaf in my hand and observed it.

"Such is me," I said. "Such is life. Such is, is."

This is Final Nirvana. The most perfect state of consciousness.

I came out of meditation, interrupted by Santi going in and out of the room. He was being rowdy, despite many warnings for him to quiet down. Sean didn't go in to work that day, and I wasn't sure if he was sick. Santi's loudness would wake up Sean, if he was ill. While I was downstairs making breakfast and preparing Santi's lunch for school, he continued to be noisy. He usually wouldn't normally eat breakfast; however, this morning he was hungry. Now I wasn't certain how I was going to get him to school on time if I had to prepare breakfast, make lunch, and get him to get dressed as I had to get ready myself. His constant commotions were getting out of hand. Before I hurried upstairs to change, he was asked to lower his voice.

But less than a minute, he was making all sorts of noises. I rushed downstairs angry and told him he was going to get a spanking. He started crying before I even disciplined him, and Sean came out of the room to intercept. However, just less than moments, the frustrations were gone. The tide came and slowly retreated to the ocean.

Many things became air, clear; and no thoughts were behind them. For instance, often, before, I'd wear my false tooth in front of my friends and family, now the embarrassment had seemed to fade, too.

I greeted Sean's parents, without it, one afternoon in the front yard. My front tooth had been knocked off from a minor incident many decades ago in Laos, when I attempted to ride on a moped. My older brother purchased a new motorbike my size, since I often used his to go to bigger villages. Not knowing how to operate it yet, I crashed into the wooden pole and was throw backwards on my first attempt to drive it. From the incident, I broke my front fang and had a deep cut underneath my lower lip and a bad scratch on the upper part of my lip.

My brother drove me to a nearby town to get stitches. The man who treated me used a big needle to sew the cuts without anesthesia. It caused me to scream and cry, and I was truly more frightened of needles, following the event. A week later, I was healed, but they didn't have a place to get fake dentures, so I was toothless while I was there, and tried my hardest not to talk to people. When I did converse, I covered my mouth. Frequently, when I ate soup, the broth dribbled down my chin.

The following morning, I meditated. It was around 3 am. I thought I should take myself to where I was by the dry ocean with the dead leaves. When I was there, I found myself heading up the clouds, instead. Then I arrived to stand in front of the clearest light, resembling a giant, round sun, observing its magnificence. I reached my hand to touch its infinite rays. Although many lights appeared magnificently, this one was somehow truly brilliant, awesome, and breathtaking.

There were fewer vapors as I proceeded making my way higher. Wooden ladders appeared, secured by beige tightropes on both sides. I climbed them. They seemed endless. I kept on and saw helicopters on each level that I passed. Then, I became tired and lay on clear air, before climbing again. After some time, I boarded the black airplane. The size of the aircraft was smaller than ones I'd been in.

It took me up. Brahma was there, unseen. I was touched by his presence and was at ease.

"We are each other," he said.

"We are each other," I said. I was let off and it was the same: I strolled on flawless energy, with fewer clouds drifting. Then I came to dim space and witnessed Krishna sitting in front of big silver bowls a size of a small plastic pool for children, as if he was doing laundry. He was transparent.

"What are you doing?" I asked, observing the surroundings. No clothes were in the bowl.

"The last wash," I heard.

When I spectated about three lines of dry, hanging white clothes which were short in length, I extended my arm torching them with golden energy. With where I was, I was truly and deeply tired of the never-ending job of facing, remembering and transforming myself. My desire was at its lowest, and there wasn't any meaning to who I was. I was neither this nor that.

"I'm tired," I said, and slowly headed toward him. "I want to rest."

Talking to Krishna was no distinction than speaking to La. There were no thoughts of him or I; just us/Self.

"You're finally here," he said when I placed my head on his shoulder.

"Finally here," I said with little question to it.

"Finally," he said.

_It only means_ final. _Finally._

"I'm tired, my love," I said.

He got up and carried me in his arms. We were at the place where I was with the old man, exactly where he sat. He put me down and I lay, curling a bit, with the staff in my hand (though now it wasn't tall, but was the same height as I was, proportionally).

"Aren't you going to rest?" I asked as I made myself comfortable to relax with my head by his lap.

"No," he said stroking my hair. "I will watch you."

He and I appeared, holding each other, translucent in the atmosphere. He slowly faded as I lay.

In a moment, I got up and walked. Once more, I ascended higher, passing where I had been with the old man. Shortly, he showed. It brought a smile, happy to see the elderly. The air turned into night quickly, but the energy was truly light and see-through, to where I could see everything clearly as if it was day.

"Hi," I said.

We strolled next to each other, holding our staffs in see-through nightly climate. Beaming inside watching him, I started hopping, twirling and skipping, similar to when I'd trailed behind Buddha. When he touched his beard, I made an identical gesture (even though I didn't have one) while looking at him. He put his arm behind his back and, in the same manner; I placed my arm behind mine. Our staffs changed from brown wooden ones to gold, but the head of the rod was still a golden dragon.

Then we walked upwards on light, without steps, as I was next to him. Momentarily, he stopped and abruptly looked my way. I was taken aback by his suddenness, and was just a bit scared. He swiftly faded. I kept ascending; however, many, many arms grew from behind my back, moving, in brown stone clay skin tone. I turned around to observe. An image of a female dancer with many arms surfaced, in a video I had seen to aid my understanding. Even so, I was clueless relating to significance of having numerous arms.

After witnessing a Buddha's picture with countless arms on my phone the following morning, as the next relaxing Buddhist music video queued to play, I was able to remember to write this part of my meditation.

While proceeding, I understood this was the 'ultimate' that whatever I say, goes. There were no clouds; I was inside the universe with a few gleaming stars. A transparent bridge appeared just little distance ahead, and realized I needed to cross it. I made my way towards the passage.

Briefly, after crossing, I noticed the quickness of my aging. From a strong and healthy body, I suddenly had a hunched back and got shorter. My hair was in a bun and my staff became a cane. I took slow, gradual steps. My face had turned very wrinkly, with long lines of loose skin, and my locks was mostly gray. I got smaller as I passed the middle, getting close to the end. Another version of myself appeared, standing where the bridge started, watching.

"I'm old, now. I have come of age," I said quietly as an elderly person, walking weakly, gently, near collapsing. Suddenly, abruptly, my form disappeared into nothingness. I cried for myself with deep and truly unexplained joy and, in a way, disbelief.

"There's no more life. No more death," I heard momentarily.

"There's no more life. No more death," I whispered, standing calmly. It looked as if this was 'final'. I could be extinguished here, as I came down to just a single thought. The cycle of birth could conclude, if I chose. This could be my last lifetime.

"What is your choice?" I was asked meanwhile standing with a deep realization of what I'd come to.

Quickly, before I could answer, an insurmountable, undeniable, and unspeakable compassion overflowed, overwhelming my entirety completely. It was to where I'd have another birth because of this immense compassion for Self. Immediately, I collapsed on my knees because of its depthless-ness.

"Oh my gosh," I said, wanting to weep as boundless compassion surged through my whole. "I will come back one more lifetime. I will come back one more lifetime."

"Is this the choice?"

"This is my choice," I said. "I choose to come back one more time."

Promptly, I was elsewhere, strolling in front of a great river carrying the staff in my red pajama shirt, with a brown skirt covering my knees. Shiva appeared transparently in the dim atmosphere over water. I stopped, glanced at him then walked.

"You are so courageous," he said, as he was immensely moved by what I did, though I didn't realize that choosing to come back another lifetime was 'courage'. "You're the bravest soul I've ever known."

"I am you. Your descent," I said, realizing that having his Soul as mine meant 'fearlessness'.

"You are La Kingsavanh, the great Shiva!" he shouted.

In front of the silent, majestic water, I sat in a meditation pose. Black Shiva linga with three white lines and a dot in the middle appeared near my side, then king cobra circled itself on my neck, a crescent moon reclined on my matted hair, and a fountain of water sprung from it. The drum, horn, shell, and other of my items fell next to me. Instantly, the mantra echoed non-stop: "Aum Namah Shivaya. Aum Namah Shivaya. Aum Namah Shivaya."

Then I soared higher into vibrant firmament with my belongings. I sat and played the drum and blew into the shell and horn. However, I wasn't sure of black round Shiva linga's significance.

When it first appeared, I was clueless of it. Even though I'd looked up the name on the internet, nevertheless, I didn't understand the meaning behind it. I quietly listened, and the answer which emerged purely was "love and holiness."

"Can you guys flow while I walk?" I asked the ornaments. Even carrying them was tiring, as I was old, aged, and there was no desire in me. "Otherwise, you guys can be in the cloth bag."

They floated as I walked, and when I stopped, they stopped. Then I made a beige cloth sack materialize and put them in it, placing the bag on my shoulder. Then I was curious about the staff, wanting to know its strength, so I lifted it up. It fired off golden and other types of fireworks.

"Fireworks?" I asked. "You shoot out fireworks?"

King flew next to me, and I was comfortable again. I kissed his forehead.

"Want to play?" I asked.

We sped fast, together, into the air. Shiva showed everywhere, see-through. A small, light green apple came to my hand, and I ate it. A big red, ripe apple appeared; and I ate that one, as well. Then my favorite snake flew my way, opened his mouth wide, and suddenly devoured my form. I became formless yet continued eating the fruit.

"Give her another one," I heard Shiva tell King. "She'll eat that one, too."

Another good-sized red fruit headed in my direction, and I munched on it. King enfolded himself around the middle of the staff, and morphed into a golden snake. The mantra kept on, unstopping, and I sang along with it. It got louder, playing in its entirety.

"It's so loud," I said. Swiftly, it lowered its volume to medium. "Go louder! All the way!!"

It played loudly. I tightened my face, but was okay with it very quickly.

"The fearless one!" Shiva shouted.

I opened my eyes from meditation, trying to fall asleep; however, I was wide awake from the continuous "Aum Namah Shivaya" playing inside me.

I closed my eyes again, and found myself lying leisurely on pure atmosphere, and thought of Krishna. He was instantly with me. I embraced him, although I was formless form, with a crescent white moon tucked to my hair and King around my neck. I wore a tiger skin as my skirt, but held a staff instead of the trident.

"My love," I said, touching his face.

It seemed as if I could do anything, now, as I was truly free and remembered who I was, with no question or answer; without doubts. "I can't get enough of you."

"It could be the other way around," he said, with a gentle beam.

"The other way around?" I asked, with sparkly eyes. "Want to go do something?"

We found ourselves on Earth, standing at the side of a bar on a sidewalk in a city at night. I was dressed in a long, gray, loose suit and wore a hat and a pasted-on mustache. I resembled a man, with my hair hidden below the hat. We were going to do a dance. He was about to cut his hair to get a different look.

"No!" I said, as I couldn't bear for him to chop his loose, curly hair off, as I was truly without depth or bottom loved him. Even a single strand of his mane, I wanted to remain there. "Take a different form, my love."

Instantly, he took form of a black man, donning black slacks and a black/white short-sleeve shirt with a hat. We were going to dance to Michael Jackson's "Smooth Criminal". We went in, got on stage, and did different dances, from tap to whatever. Afterwards, people clapped. We bowed, then went outside.

"Anything else?" he asked, resuming his light, blue skin form, with a gold head crown on his head.

"We can go on a date," I suggested, as I missed going on dates with him. "Promise me that we will do everything together."

The thing was, we were always together. Everywhere I glanced; there were always men and women, Gods and Goddesses. We never left each other's sides.

We entered a restaurant across from the tavern that had a red neon flashing sign, without curtains. A plump Caucasian lady with light, short, curly red hair wearing light pink waitress outfit took our order. The dish we ordered came. He and I stared at one another. It wasn't what we'd ordered and didn't look like our order. It was like when you browse through a menu and order something you think will be what you thought it would be, but it isn't.

"You eat it," I said, and pushed the soup towards him.

"No, you go ahead," he said, and pushed it back. I took a taste and shook my head.

"No, it's all yours," I said. "Go ahead."

He tastes and shook his head, as well. I grinned inside.

"No, it's all yours. You eat it," he said.

"No, you eat it," I said, with a pout this time.

"Okay, I'll eat it," he said, and pulled the bowl to his side. Suddenly, just like last time, immeasurable compassion rose in me, as I watched Krishna about to eat the broth he didn't want to eat, for me.

"It's okay, my love," I said quickly, and grabbed a spoon and hauled the bowl my way. "I'll eat it, my love. I will do so. I will do it."

And I ate while he observed, deeply moved by my action.

"Always doing everything for others," he said, regarding me sacrificing myself for all sentient beings. "For Self, for love."

We walked outside, standing in front of the restaurant, and he was going to smoke. He put a cigarette in his mouth and took a puff. When I saw it, I grabbed it from his hand; it'd harm his body.

"I'll smoke it, my love. Don't do it. It's not good for you. I will do it," I said, and inhaled a huge puff and blowing through my nose and mouth. Instead of him harming his body, it seemed I'd rather put myself in harm's way, instead.

"Want to do anything else?" he asked.

"No, I'm tired," I responded. There wasn't abundant of desire left, for anything. "I want to rest. Let's go up."

Back on porcelain sky, we lay. Momentarily, I stood.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"To see Buddha," I replied.

When I arrived, Buddha sat calmly in maroon monk saffron, and a golden halo illuminating behind him. Then I sat in quietly closing my eyes and saw that behind me there was a golden circle and my form was empty, clear.

"You made it," he said.

"Yes, my love," I replied with a bow. "I did."

"You are All," he said.

"I am All," I said. "I am the great Buddha."

Afterwards, I rested in Krishna's arms, making myself cozy to fall asleep. It must've been at least 4 am, by now.

"Let's make love, first," he said.

"Okay," I said.

Following our intimacy, I relaxed in his arms and was easeful to where I could readily fall asleep. It had been a long time since I slept in his embrace. Moreover, I realized I could be with him, as well as without him, after being on my own, gaining more strength and sureness.

In the morning amid tossing and turning, I was curious over the other side of the bridge. Thus, I took myself there, flying to the end of it. I entered a bright, brilliant light on whitest, purest atmosphere. Next to it was a barricade made of clouds. There was only tremendous, powerful, deep love, and I realized this was 'the eternal happiness' I'd come to numerous times. Immediately, I tumbled on all fours, weeping in deepest joy.

"Oh my gosh," I said, rolling back and forth, filled with an immense affection and inner joy. "Oh my gosh. I will be here. I will come back here."

Next, I was on snowy vapors, about to write, with blank paper and a pen in my hand. The only thing that arose was: 'Dear my love, Krishna. You are my heart, my Soul. You are my All.'

Sitting calmly to see what else would come, he appeared and put his arms around my neck.

"What are you writing?" he asked, then quickly grabbed the note and rushed off with it, wanting to read it.

"Give it back!" I said, trying to snatch it from him before he had a chance to look. As I was close to get the letter, he had it with his other hand. Then, he read it.

"You can write something to me," I said shyly. He headed to the white desk, wrote something, and gave it to me. I was amused, thinking it was going to be a love letter, but it was a blank piece of paper with light, small, glistening gold on it. I opened my palm to bring forth from the paper what it was he had written. It glowed in shimmering gold, but there was no letter.

"Love," I said.

"Only love," he said.

"You're my only love," I said, putting my head on his shoulder.

The following day, after taking a short nap, I found myself strolling on clouds that were all over, as if they were my walking ground. It was truly breathtaking. Again, I became curious over the staff with a golden cobra wrapped around it and the golden dragon as its head, and thought it might do different things, I lifted it. Golden rotating light glowed then shot strong, forceful energy comparable to lightning and caused enormous, massive explosion inside the entire universe. I soared high, to observe.

"Wow," I said. "Magnificent!"

During my creamy coffee hour, the following sunrise, my choice to come back for another life invoked a deeper realization of the immeasurable depth of my compassion. This further heightened my understanding of when Buddha had informed I was a 'Bodhisattva' (ones who sacrifice themselves for others). One morning, I read descriptions of Buddha with many arms. (Maybe I had it read before, when I was told I was one, though I had zero recollection of it.)

I have a couple of incidents to share (although I never knew it, then, that the theme of my life was sacrificing myself for others).

In Laos, at approximately the age of five or six years old, my friend and I walked to the nearby forest, passing a dry farm. It was a hot midsummer morning. We came upon a big, long king cobra lying across a dusty road. We were afraid to cross without the venomous snake attacking us. When I got a stick from a nearby bush, I asked my friend to step aside so she wouldn't get attacked meanwhile I tried killing it, and I searched for it when it slithered into the dead savanna.

Another situation was when my friends, my sister, and I walked home from picking apples (or from visiting another friend's home), when a group of black girls chased after us. I ran ahead, but some friends trailed behind, especially my sister. They jumped her, therefore I rushed back, telling her to run while I fought with at least four girls. They all ran as I got hit, kicked, and beaten to the ground.

It was similar when I was in middle school: a friend had a crush on a guy that another girl also liked. She became jealous of my friend. After school, when trudging home with my friend, three girls approached us. They didn't really care about me, but shoved my friend, telling her to stay away from the boy she admired. I asked them to stop and got in front of them to prevent my friend from getting hurt. They then started punching me, too. My friend ran off, whereas I got beaten badly, this time. My parents called the police. My face was swollen, my eyes were blackened, and I had scratches all over my arms. Blood dripped from my mouth as I headed home. My mom couldn't sleep, that night.

At night, after I fell asleep during the show I watched, I was back to 'eternal happiness', the other side of the bridge, trying to relax. Somehow the cloudy wall kept me from going further, though I stood tall, surveying beyond it. The light was truly magnificent as I stood on clear, indistinct energy, as if I was looking into eternity. Then I was walking on semi-dark, long stone bridge. Below it was a world of brown mountains with peaks of various shapes and sizes.

Then I was elsewhere, observing the staff and grasping how truly powerful it was. It could collapse an entirety all at once. During strolling, with nothing before or behind me, I thought of shrinking it and eating it, to get its power. So, I extended my arm to make it smaller. Although it was tinier, I wasn't sure if I could swallow it; yet, I tried, and it unexpectedly went inside my airy stomach, where I could see it.

Next, I found Shiva sitting in meditation, with golden energy circulating through him. It was only his shape: the rest was flowing powerful, golden essence of light. I sat little distance from the Destroyer in meditation, then walked closer and sat to observe him, before assuming his vitality and sitting as he, and now the powerful golden force traveled through mine, similar to his.

"Pure power," I heard.

Later into the night, after using the restroom, I was in front of Shiva, wanting to make love to him. We started kissing for a bit, until he asked: "You come to me?"

Hence, I took myself to Krishna. My love with this God was exceptionally unlike being with other Gods. It was undefinable. This time, when he and I made love, it was more physical; however, it seemed that there wasn't anything to it. I became see-through to share my love with him, realizing that I had moved on. Being formless was natural to me now, and thanked him for helping me understand where I was with myself. More and more, I was at ease as the Now, with nothing much in me besides untouched and unconditionally full of love and compassion.

In a different meditation, I was in the calming, serene valley with some lush trees, without ground, with Krishna. We lay relaxing holding each other, completely in love.

"We have grown so much," he said, gazing at me and touching my face. Aware my love was this pure, transparent love; and of this love.

For a few days, on and off, I was distressed not having enough finances to get the Memoirs of Aum series edited. With limited amount in my bank account, I wasn't certain how it was going to cover book volumes. I emailed my editor and she was accommodating, letting me know the hours of work she had put into it daily.

However, one night I woke up because the room was dark and the relaxing music had stopped playing on my smartphone. Usually, I slept with calming tunes on and had light from videos playing, so I wouldn't be as afraid of ghosts. I wasn't able to fall back asleep and Sean was coughing loudly. He was asked him to drink more honey with lemon, although he told me this didn't work and made his cough worse.

He left to go downstairs from Santi's room to sleep, in his. Santi came to my bed, instead. The stress relating to not having adequate finances for editing resurfaced, leading me to email my editor at approximately 3 in the morning, asking her to stop editing when she reached certain hours. Tossing and turning, I thought of finding another editor with cheaper rates to work on Book 2, with some money left from the budget. It seemed something that truly needed to happen in order to take the books mainstream, worldwide, for people to know and benefit from them. My anxiety lessened.

At sunrise, however, I thought of fine-tuning second book myself for the summer, doing whatever I could on my own. Whatever money I had, I'd use for advertisements. Also, I was thinking of doing video logs to get the books known, sharing them with others.

Later, I chose to discuss these issues with Sean. Not having restful sleep, I kept repeating myself, as the energy of nervousness and anxiety was tremendous. Whatever it was, I allowed myself to go through and be with it.

When Sean and Santi left to go to the grandparents' home, I stepped the stairs and put on meditation music to try and get some rest.

Briefly, once my eyes were shut, Buddha's transparent statues appeared in the clouds. I was on the canoe at a calming lake, with a few lotus leaves above water. Soon, the statues all lay sideways, with one hand supporting their heads.

"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha," I said, touched, and started rowing. Inside, I was truly tired, burnt out, and fatigued. The heavy rain poured, and I let myself soak in it. A bit later, it dried. I continued rowing.

"This is your complete enlightenment," I heard suddenly.

"Yes, it is," I whispered.

Swiftly, a huge radiant sun appeared, radiating intense, infinite rays. I put out my hand to cover my eyes, then took them off, not afraid to be blinded by the brightness. Immediately, I saw myself inside it, sitting in silence, as Buddha. In a moment, I flew higher and landed on clouds and saw a gray stone pouch. I dug in and got a fan, and thought I could walk on vapors and stay. Buddha idols appeared, but I chose to return and rowed on the small boat. It poured again, nonetheless, when it stopped, I headed back up.

"I can be up here," I said. "I'm okay with it."

Then I was somewhere inside energy seemingly like a cathedral, witnessing images of Krishna in porcelain white skin, rotating, as I rotated with him in circle.

"You're in me," I heard.

"Yes, I am. There's so much love with you," I said, then paused, deeply moved because of pure, powerful affection traveling through. "There's so much love with us. So, so much."

Suddenly, I was higher striding on white air with magnolia flowers growing on both sides. With breathtaking scenes around, I strolled, admiring their beauty. However, I noticed I was La, as well as Krishna, together in one; transparent. My hair was lowered to my neck, but I wore a turban and my body was his and mine, blended as one another. I can't truly explain it. As I strode, I noticed I was inside Krishna's see-through form. As I walked, he walked. When I lay down, he lay down.

A Chinese fan manifested in my hand. I opened it. It might have been blank at first, though I am unsure. Yet, once I closed, then opened it, it contained pictures of a peacock with a golden color as its background. Again, I closed, then uncovered. A different image displayed, though the fan was getting bigger. As I kept doing this, it expanded, each time with a different portrait on it. Unsure of why, I found myself sewing through the fan using a needle and thread. Shortly, I fanned myself while walking. Buddha arrived ahead; crystal clear in midair.

"I'm tired," I said. "I want to rest now. I am the great Buddha, now."

I continued walking, admiring magnolia blossoms blooming nicely.

"I have come full circle. I have come home. I am home. I want to rest, now."

Then I reached the end of cottony clouds. A lotus pond was in front of me, though there were no lotus flowers. Buddha sat in a meditation pose, translucent. The pond's water wasn't as clear, and the lotus leaves weren't as healthy. Briefly, he lay sideway with a hand supporting his head.

"It's me and my thoughtlessness," I said, going in the pond to observe the lotus leaves, that didn't come with lotus flowers. A big healthy tree manifested next to it; I went to lay under it sideways, fanning myself. I transformed into Buddha, then back to La.

"I am at peace, total peace," I said, fanning, relaxing, and resting with a hand supporting my head, lying sideways with a big golden halo behind my head.

"The outside and inside of me is one."

Abruptly, I was higher in the white smokes. Buddha showed in front of me.

"My beloved, myself," I said, moved, as tears were about to fall. "I have always loved me."

Quan Yin stopped by in midair as I reclined.

"My love, I am at peace now," I told her. "I am peace now. I can rest now."

A couple of days onward, I had been working to conclude Memoirs of Aum, Book 1 with an editor. Sometimes I was anxious, as it was near completion, along with feeling nervous not having enough currency to pay for both books. One night, I couldn't sleep, strained of not having plenty of cash to polish the memoirs. Probably something else was taking place as well, though I couldn't understand clearly at the moment.

All I knew was that I was worn out, and didn't have much desire. There was no doubt that I was like an elderly person. My body was healthy, although inside I was old, and had come of age. Despite I enjoyed planting flowers, but now I asked Sean to grow the plants that Santi and I had bought earlier in spring. I couldn't bring myself to do it, although I still watered them. Though some days I'd like the rain to do the job of watering, and it would pour, helping out for a couple of days.

A week ago, I also spoke to Sean about not killing ants after learning that he was going to spray them. It was hard to sleep at night after my knowledge of this matter, and I wasn't sure how I was going to help those poor insects stay alive and unharmed. It seemed I was going to do everything to help the tiny bugs. Within was limitless compassion, as if I'd cry my soul out if they were killed or would throw myself in front of the insect spray, consequently I texted him the following day, asking him not to hurt them. He nicely informed he was going to spray along the house to fend them off; he wasn't going to cause damage to the ants. I was relieved, and sincerely thanked him.

After my editor and I agreed to stop with Book 1, I was a bit relieved, even though I wasn't certain how I was going to tackle Book 2 on my own. It seemed it would take much energy, as I already was truly exhausted in many respects, and it would be a cumbersome load if I was to edit it myself. My chest compressed.

At night, with some time alone, besides other things occurring inwardly, I understood my fear of returning for another lifetime after this, which incited clarity why Shiva had thought it was courageous for me to make such a decision. After enduring arduous, intense transformations in the last year, it was doubtless scary in some ways, even though I wouldn't choose to go through those transformative experiences again. This was not because they were unpredictably frightening, but because I had absorbed most of the awakening involvements in full capacity and in utmost totality, which brought remembrance, where I became fearless.

In meditation, Krishna and I made love in white clouds, surpassing the flowerless lotus pond.

"You're so formless," I said, caressing his face afterwards. My hand waved through his transparency.

"You are, too," he said, as his hand brushed through mine. We ourselves could also move through one another. We rolled, playing, as we were see-through and crystal clear. I was comfortable, now, with where I was; not afraid of or uneasy with my own formlessness any longer.

"I love this," I said, relaxed and at ease. "I am so loving this."

However, though, sometimes I'd find a razor blade in my mouth, in different visions. A couple of times, I swallowed them. Other times, I cut my entire form apart with the sharp blades. On one occasion, I found myself inside the old house, once more unsure why I was there, but I was relaxed this time. I even sat on the sofa in the living room briefly before touring the unit and went to lie on my old bed, which I'd had in my teenage years.

In another meditation, I was in hazy air, lying on a table as I was being operated on, where I could only see my brain. Another copy of myself performed the operation. She took one tiny thing out of it, uncertain what it was, and then she was finished.

"It's for breathing," she said, realizing that I was narrowing to just simplest things: eating, sleeping, and waking up, with spontaneous interactions here and there: enough to be alive, inhaling and exhaling.

She then cut my whole body into two portions. There was no blood. Inside my stomach was air. I was hollow.

"There's nothing to her," she said. "She's empty."

The next day, I worked on the memoirs, reviewing edits sent from my editor. It became tiring, rereading along with making changes to them, then had to make those corrections in the body of the manuscript, and reading through the entire book carefully to make sure alterations flowed. It took four tiresome days to finish. At times, taking bathroom, breakfast, and lunch breaks were a lot of time away before having to pick Santi up from school. When visions surfaced, I couldn't write them down immediately and didn't have the motivation for doing so. One particular week, I even went with no shower for a couple of days and wore pajamas to grocery stores and to drop the little one off and get him from school.

Moreover, it didn't matter how presentable or unpresentable I was, as I was invisible; no one at all.

One morning, being up early, I meditated. It had been a few days since I had done this. I found myself treading on cloudy white stairs above the pond. My attire was a white, tight, short sleeve t-shirt with a skirt passing my knees, and I had a porcelain cloudy crown on my head. A brown deer appeared, with snowy cotton balls on the tips of its horns and feet. It stood directly in my way, so I pushed it upward despite my fatigue.

"Come on!" I said.

We ascended few more flights, as I assisted the animal by lifting it just a bit. The deer fell off, and I dove down to bring it back. Similarly, I supported the little fella upwards. Shortly, I came upon an elk with big antlers. The deer vanished. Since it was in front of me, I did the same, aiding it by pushing it up the steps. The elk was heavier than the deer, though I kept on, helping it. Eventually we made it up, and were standing in front of a bridge with white clouds on each side.

I crossed. The elk faded. Although I was in my healthy physical shape, soon I became truly weary, and had to hunch over to walk. A small cane appeared in my hand for support, but it didn't do anything to alleviate my old age.

"I have come home," I said. "I am home. I arrived. I've come full circle."

Halfway through, I fell on my knees, collapsing due to the weariness of my aging. The cane fell off, as I had no strength to hold the object. Shortly, I was on all fours, crawling across.

"I am old. There's no more for me. I have come of age."

As I continued, I became deeply lethargic, though my body was still the same, a healthy one. This time, I wasn't wrinkly with a hunch back, nor had I shrunk more, to become an elderly woman. Momentarily, I was flat on my chest, trying to go forward using any strength of my frail elbows, gradually moving slower than a snail.

"I will be here. I will live here," I whispered softly, referring to when it was time to come out of my form completely. "Oh, how magnificent it will be."

Immediately, the bridge evaporated, leaving no trace. It was only spotless energy; I lay on my back. "I will be here just for a bit," I said, relaxing. There was neither death nor life: only stillness and great silence, being there.

Only enlightenment is for me, now.

Then I lay on my front. A paper appeared, but it seemed to be clear energy underneath. A pen appeared. I held it in my hand, about to write, though there wasn't anything to say. There was no more. The sheet faded. However, I attempted writing on energy and got nothing but transparent air that kept folding itself until it became a wall and dumping me to the lower white clouds.

Resting where I had previously, a white pillow alike a snowy soft ball materialized. I rested my head on it. It was easeful.

"Everywhere is my home," I said, glancing at the untouched sky. "Everywhere I am. I am home."

The following morning, I rose early. I meditated and found myself on the same rowboat I was on; however, this time Quan Yin showed up, sitting in the air, instead of Buddha lying everywhere with his hand supporting his head. A lit candle was next to her. Suddenly, it was blown out.

"Did I just extinguish my last thought?" I said quickly.

"You still have thoughts, but not many. A few," she replied.

Swiftly, I was back on the vapors. All around me was the whitest energy. I lay on my pillow, as I was fatigued, a bag of fragile bones and near death, it seemed. Quan Yin came. She stroked my forehead.

"You can rest now. It's time to rest now."

Did she mean I can leave my form, die? But I chose to come back one more lifetime after this.

I was uncertain of her message, a bit frightened by it but understood it subsequently enduring profound transformations.

Many copies of Quan Yin existed in the sky, all in white ancient Chinese dresses with their hair in a peacock style, rotating. I stepped forward to sit in the middle, as I was she, and a pink lotus flower was under, as my seat. They slowly spun around me.

"You're a Bodhisattva," she said.

"Yes, I am," I calmly uttered, acknowledging this.

They stopped circling. I returned to lie on a crystal-clear mist, then flipped over to lie flat on my front. A computer appeared. I polished my book just like I was at home, working on the memoirs continually. My inside and outside was the same. Quan Yin watched. Krishna came to relax next to me, crystal clear, briefly, then faded. If he'd stayed around, it'd have taken away my focus. The elderly showed up, watching me work. He cried, as he was deeply moved by what I was doing, sharing my transformations with others with the utmost purity of my depthless love and affection.

Buddha, Brahma, Shiva, and others came by, sitting higher, observing me reading, writing and editing. They were all formless. When they left, I was by myself. Then I saw people on Earth, when I glanced lower. They stood.

"I will give you everything, my love," I said to them, as boundless compassion emerged. "I will give you all of me, my beloved. Just let me finish."

I got up, observing people standing. Quan Yin came, floating in midair sitting. I tossed my manuscripts to people.

"You're a true Bodhisattva," she commented. "Your deep compassion will help many."

I returned to sit in front of the laptop and continued.

"You're doing well on your own," Krishna said when he came by. He observed me working relentlessly on the books by myself, as I didn't have finance to hire an editor to carry on polishing Book 2, which was close over 500 pages. Book 1 was nearly 400 pages. In addition, I also worked on this memoir (close to 200 pages) when I had time.

"I might want an editor," I said.

"That's okay, too," he said, although I thought that maybe I could just share my writings the way they were: raw.

Incessantly writing and refining memoirs became stressful. All I wanted was to find way to relax at night. Santi was having fun spending time with two of his cousins that evening. They came to spend the night with him, though they were in bed late and woke up too early; they were tired. In the afternoon, my sister, little nephew, and niece stopped by for lunch.

Later, my sister inquired what shows I had been watching. I informed her that I watched Chinese dramas and some documentaries on Laos, Burma, and other countries when I got the chance. She asked if I had seen a documentary that was on Netflix which happened to be about Osho, an Indian mystic. She wasn't surprised my familiarity of it, yet I had no interest in viewing the series. It was the same as what I was going through: awareness, inner transformation, meditation, and so forth. Watching something dissimilar was a vacation. She insisted that I should see it.

"No," I said. "I already know it; all of it."

"No, you don't," she said.

"Yes, I do!" I replied, since I was "it." Moreover, I read many of Osho's books, and listened to his discourses and a documentary about him almost a decade ago.

My sister was a churchgoer. She didn't have ample knowledge outside of church. This documentary was strange to her. She made judgments regarding the mystic which, I understood, coming from her point of views and beliefs.

"Osho is good," I responded. "I like him. His books helped me when I went through stuff. I even used one of his meditation books to teach myself and others mindfulness meditation."

She questioned if he was a 'cult leader' and conveyed that she felt sorry for the people who sought him out and practiced his methods of meditation. She thought it was 'brainwashing'.

"He's helping people find inner peace, transforming the mind to come out of the box and go beyond the walls of taught," I said. "People who go there want to understand themselves better, and they can think for themselves."

She continued judging and seemed not to be open-minded.

"People judge others based on how they see themselves and the world," I proceeded to tell her. "Many people aren't even aware of their own thoughts and why they judge."

There was no doubt that the conversation greatly aroused something in me that needed to be understood, faced, and unlearned. My sister was certainly unconsciously helping with another conditioning that needed to be examined. I had dealt with this particular issue, but it now needed to be confronted readily, here, once more. The situation further aided my awareness that I'd lose family, friends, and neighbors after my books come out. However, this didn't shake my harmony after I had tackled it along the way. All I had was myself, independent from any form of thoughts or beliefs.

"Were you part of it?" she probed, if I was involved with the 'cult' movement with Osho, which caused me to laugh a bit. He'd passed away before I slid out of the womb.

"He died before I was born," I responded.

"Are these your beliefs?" she continued.

"What beliefs?" I said. She was quiet for a bit. "I don't have beliefs. I am just am."

Then I informed her that I went to a meditation center out of town, after she inquired again to learn more about meditation and when I first started meditating. At the time, I was open to anything, and utilized any tools to comprehend my actions, reactions, desires and thought processes.

After the conversation, I was exhausted. In me, there was no more desire to explain myself to anyone, including a family member. This drained any last shade of desire that remained. Furthermore, when people aren't open, there was nothing I or anyone could do, and there wasn't anything I wished to do. I let things be as they were, untouched. In addition, allowing others to be where they were with themselves was best, with understanding and acceptance. I, too, was once a Christian, and had judged others who didn't share my beliefs then.

During my nightly, leisure walks, I was dealing with deep frustration storming in my gut over 'ignorance'. Within, I was deeply vulnerable, wanting to just cry and break down. It wasn't that my sister or her beliefs were the problem: it had to do with me, meaning that I had to let whatever was inside to come forth, any judgments, wells of anger or hurt, and whatever they may be in regards to the situation. The candle that was blown out had to be these conditions I was confronting. It came fast, as I'd just had the meditation a day ago.

The origin of this aggravation was from shutting myself off, from openly sharing my thoughts without getting in a fight with her. It seemed my sister readily judged and criticized many things that she didn't share similar opinions or views with. It was challenging to talk to her relating to many subjects: everything became a judgment or a putdown. It could be I had a deep grudge, as we grew up together and didn't get along for a while. We couldn't have a dialogue without involving in verbal jousts. It was the same road with my late mother, not able to conversate with her without getting criticized or crucified for something. After a while, I buried my feelings, repressed them, as if they didn't matter.

On the deck, I stood against a wood railing, shaking a tint, saying, "La, La, La," and realized later that I'd said my own name instead of Krishna's.

At night, I watched a show and fell asleep during it. Sean installed a TV in my room, and we rearranged my bed so that it was directly toward the television set. When I woke, nearly 3 am, the heavy energy I'd experienced from earlier persisted. The gust of anger and frustration turned and burned immensely, as I dealt with my own judgments towards my sister and her religious beliefs. It wiped me out, even more. This conditioning was unfathomable, and tough to melt even though I had confronted it on numerous occasions.

"So ignorant, so ignorant, so, so ignorant," I said as the emotion amplified, torching my entirety completely, no different than flames incinerating a big forest. "It's just me! It's me! I am so ignorant!"

There was no one else, any resentment and irritation originated from myself, not from churches or family.

"It has to be it," I said, unable to be aware and mindful of my thoughts, emotions, and so on, anymore. As it persevered fully, I nearly wanted to give up as I was scorching in severest flames, crucifying myself to ashes. It wasn't far different than crawling on the bridge bit by bit, making small movements to cross. This time, I just wanted to entirely give up.

A vision of Quan Yin came, observing as I lay on the pillow, boiling in fiery energy, surging through, twisting profoundly.

"Quan Yin! Quan Yin!" I yelled, not knowing what to do, enduring such intenseness of shedding off my ignorance. "Oh, my God!! Quan Yin!!"

During it, I saw close to three or four versions of myself stepping out of my form, transparent and see-through, and I understood at the time that I had just extinguished a few of my thoughts at once, and the energy was unbearable. Momentarily, a computer appeared, and afterwards, I went back to refining the books as if it was nothing.

Waking up when the sun rose, there were residual effects of this, so I was mindful and aware. Then I was thankful for my sister, for her preconceptions and views. They truly helped me extinguish any judgments, perceptions and thoughts that were left in me. In hindsight, I too was once alike to her when I was a Christian, judging other people if they weren't one, protecting my beliefs, and being closed inside the box. As I matured and evolved, the box couldn't contain me. It was too claustrophobic to stay in, therefore those beliefs pushed me into the open.

The next day, I looked forward to her coming by, and I listened for any kind of reaction within, as I wanted to dissolve them all. My sister didn't visit; nevertheless, I kept tackling anything associated with emotions and thoughts relating to my bottled-up anger and prejudices.

A flash surfaced of sitting on white energy with my laptop, editing the memoirs. As I was working, instantaneously I reached out my hand, opened my palm, and made golden, shimmering energy exist. Krishna arrived in the sky behind me, though I could see him. He blew his flute. Immediately, I sailed to him and placed my head on his lap. I had been vulnerable lately, confronting myself. Afterwards, he stroked my hair.

"Want to stay up here?" he asked. It seemed I'd ascended to another level. Even though the area where we sat had pure white energy, I was able to see many levels down and up. The whole expanse was transparent.

"Yes," I answered.

"You can only go limitless," he said.

My computer appeared next to us during our intimacy. He tried to close it and only got halfway, but I opened the word processor and pushed it away just a bit to make room. However, he closed it all the way, and I let it be. We sat relaxing, and I noticed we were three levels higher from the bridge I'd crossed.

The following day, I continued to understand the attachment that had emerged a couple of days ago. It was certainly challenging, and I had a short temper with Santi before dropping him off to school. When returned home, I read through Book 1, making more corrections on it, as it didn't feel like it was refined enough, and I was unsure of when this memoir would at last be complete.

A flash developed of moving past the bridge until there weren't any stages to ascend. I saw myself sitting erect in a meditation, wearing all-white attire from ancient China, with purest white energy and a white glow. My hair and beard were white. I was the old man, stationing calmly. My face, though I was old, was healthy, youthful and vibrant. It provoked an understanding of where I was internally, after such an inner hard work. I was finally at utmost peace. I sat on top of the mountain, like Lao-tzu. This had me almost reduced to tears: now there was no answer or question as to who I was. I was what was 'it.'

Momentarily, I stood and walked, tossing my manuscripts to people. When I ran out of paper, I produced more copies of the book and handed them to everyone. The books appeared in corners of restaurants, buildings, and local stores: everywhere.

Then I found myself entering a room made of air. Krishna relaxed on the bed. I tossed the manuscript onto his lap.

"It's done!" I said. He read through it. "Do you like it?"

"Nothing more," he replied. "You wrote so beautifully about us."

He kept reading as I relaxed. He wiped a cry from his eye.

"My love," I said.

"You gave so much love to it," he commented. I hugged him.

In the evening, after viewing another documentary, a vision materialized, of walking where I had visited previously. Lao-tzu came by. His hair was truly white, along with his attire, and he still had the receding hairline. I dropped on my knees and cried, deeply happy to see him.

"My love," I said.

He headed to where I was. I got up. A cane appeared in his hand, and he gradually got older as he approached. His face turned wrinkly and his body became frail. Abruptly, he disappeared into thin air. This wasn't distinct than what had been shown to me, although I wasn't certain what it meant. Had I now reached the 'Ultimate' and couldn't go further? The old man with the white beard and hair wasn't too unlike from Lao-tzu. This could be the age I reached, and after this - there would be no more. I could extinguish myself, but since I chose to come back one more lifetime following this, that meant I'd come full circle and couldn't go anymore. This was limitless.

The next couple of days were no change. I kept confronting my conditions whenever they surfaced, besides working on the books. An image emerged near bedtime, of standing in front of Jesus and Buddha. Buddha sat with his eyes shut, while Jesus stood next to him.

"She's here," Jesus said. I greeted them with a bow. It felt as if I had ascended another plane, although it also seemed as though I shouldn't be there. The cloud altered itself into a wall, pushing me downward again. I lay with my hands over my chest, slightly frustrated. Jesus and Buddha came, watching me. Amidst inspecting the cloudy fence next to my side, I thought I could pass through it, thus I became unseen, as this whole entirety, invisible and sitting as Buddha.

"The great Buddha," Jesus and Buddha said together with a bow.

I watched the lake, trees, valleys, and so on. Then, wanting to splash in water, I made splashes without my form. This terrified a few people who canoed close. They speedily rowed off, thinking there was a river monster underneath, when they didn't see me physically, as if the water was causing the movement on its own.

"I'm sorry, my love," I said. "Did I scare you?"

I invisibly touched one of the men's faces, apologizing. "My beloved."

Jesus and Buddha proceeded to observe. Next, I was in the city, touching peoples' faces saying, "My beloved."

"She's touching everyone," Jesus commented.

In a different vision, I lay on puffy smokes re-reading and doing more fine-tuning the books in front of my word processor. Instantly, I stretched my hand, filling the air with golden, shiny energy. The place glistened. Krishna arrived in midair watching behind me. Even though I didn't turn to him, I could see he was there, as if I had eyes in the back of my head. Suddenly, I realized that I could see all, and didn't need to turn back or sideways, or look up. Then I made copies of myself exist leaning against my back, another on my left, one on my right, and the other glanced into the sky. Soon, they rotated, similar to many Quan Yins. It was as if I had four to five forms in me.

Then I gestured with my hand for them to depart. They all scattered in different directions. Given that they were the same, I made one taller, with longer hair; another with red hair (and plump); and another as a man. They went on doing different things whereas I read through manuscripts, yet they all came from me. As many of my-selves left to engage in various events, I kept working and sometimes watched them living their lives. One got married, another went to play tennis, and the adventurous one trekked to climb mountains. Instantly, I reached out my hand to put endless of myself everywhere, with endless differences.

"You remember," Krishna commented.

"I remember," I said. I extended my arm, taking away his physical appearance. He became transparent.

"You truly remember," he said.

"I truly remember," I said. Then I placed his blue Godly form back, before stripping it off, then added a different face on him. As I was here, he was here. As he was here, I was here. We were each other.

Next, I made myself as a black man appear. He was holding a knife and intended to strike me with it.

"Don't, my love," I said, as he was close to stabbing, holding the blade in the air. So, I made a telephone exist and dialed a police number. "What should I call the police?" In split second, I came up with a name: "Local police department."

A thought surfaced of calling a friend to go have lunch. I dialed a number. "Who should she be?"

Promptly, this time, I made up a name and physical exteriors.

"Want to go eat pho?" I asked. She agreed. She had black hair to her shoulders and petite.

We met at our restaurant of choice. I grinned when seeing her.

"So, you went off and got married?" I asked.

I'm just with myself.

"Yes," she answered. "I take risks. I live in taking risks."

She was giving me a message.

"Yes," I agreed.

Living fearlessly.

"You are going back to your husband, Krishna?" she asked.

"Yes," I answered. "He's me."

Momentarily, I was on white gases, lying in front of the Divine God.

"You are my final husband. My final, final," I said.

Then I was sitting on flawless, crystal energy. That was neither up nor down, but right in the middle, no more levels.

At night, I dreamt being in another apartment where my family used to rent after my mother had passed away. Krishna and Vishnu were there. Krishna was like a boyfriend who came over and stayed the night on my bed. However, I wasn't, for certain reasons, all for being at this particular flat. The ties which emerged were sadness, loneliness, and freedom. The loneliness and unhappiness stemmed from grieving over my late mom's death. Living at this complex was tense-less: not waking hearing my deceased mom complaining about everything, then getting mad at me, my sister, or my dad about something. This place was quiet, with privacy.

When I woke to use the restroom, an image of Shiva kept appearing.

Then a flash being in pure, white energy befell. A large, pink lotus flower transpired through untouched white air, as big as a seat. I headed toward the gorgeous flower and sat, before lying on it. It stretched itself approximately a size of a bed, for me to rest on. Krishna came and lifted me.

"Where are we going?" I asked. He didn't say. Another pink lotus flower materialized, identical to the one before. He lay me down on it, then stroked my hair. A long, lit candle appeared. I got up after observing it briefly, went towards it, blew out the candle, and returned to rest. I had been deeply fatigued of facing myself, to where I was unsure if I could go further with it. Once the candle was extinguished, I was in distress. In all, I wasn't resolute if I could handle anything that needed to be confronted, anymore.

"I will be with you," Krishna said, holding my hand as he saw my tiredness.

During the day, I edited Book 1 when Santi was in class. The end of his kindergarten year was approaching, only a week away. In addition, I recurrently was being aware, mindful and understanding ties regarding the situation with my sister whenever it arose. Moreover, I wondered over the message of taking 'risks'. What was it that I needed to take a risk with?

The following evening, I made myself comfortable, about to go to bed after watching a documentary on TV. Yet, an image arose of trying to swallow razor blades. When I couldn't, I took the sharp things out of my mouth. Swiftly, I was in the front yard of the old house. There were roughly four or five forms of me hung on poles, with my heads drooping and my hair draped all over my face at night. Following my observation, I shot up, cutting myself apart one by one.

"There's nothing to me," I said following slicing my form in halves. "There's nothing to me! There's nothing to me! There's nothing to me! There's nothing to me! There's nothing to me!"

None of the forms had blood, they were dead.

"There's nothing to me!" I shouted louder. "I am Self! I am Self! I am La Kingsavanh! I am La Kingsavanh! I am La Kingsavanh!"

It became a mantra I must've repeated at least fifty times. Then I was back on white energy, sitting on the pink lotus flower seat, repeating this before my head started hurting. Buddha showed up, sitting across from me in the same meditation posture. A pink lotus came to his hand, and another came to mine.

"The lotus will bloom," he said.

"The lotus will bloom," I said, and recited this as if it was another chant. Shortly, I saw myself soaring over the lotus ponds where pink lotus flowers grew, exceptionally beautiful. The green leaves of the lotuses were healthy and large.

The morning before Santi attended his last day, I scolded him for not being cooperative in the morning to get to school on time. When he threw his toothbrush in the sink, I picked it up and flung it across the room. Something was transpiring deeply, inside me. Everything was coming to an end. This really was 'final'.

When he was in class, I apologized to him by mumbling to myself as I walked home. The weather had been really lovely lately, although I hadn't had a full chance to enjoy the beautiful temperature. Many trees and gardens full of flowers bloomed gorgeously alongside the streets, and some perennials had already fallen to grounds. The scent of those spring blossoms was miraculous.

It was kind of frightening when Krishna said he would be with me after the last candle was extinguished. Was it something big that'd happen? Another tremendous transformation I needed to go through?

At times, I wasn't certain how I was going to finish the memoirs. There were three books that I was working on simultaneously. It became a bit overwhelming, but then thought I needed to finalize Book 1 first, which would be a relief; then focus on the other two.

In meditation, I saw myself facing the computer in the direction I'd had my back towards, before. It seemed I wrote about the 'ending' of this journey, and that my 'form' was 'formless'.

In a different vision, I was outside the yard of an old house, observing four or five of my forms that were suspended on poles. Krishna came and hugged me. He wore golden pants from his time and a golden crown with bracelets on both of his arms. Then I torched those bodies to ashes, letting go. Then he and I were in the crystal-clear mist, making love.

The next day I had to watch my nephews and Santi. I was happy to spend time with the boys. They were in the yard playing following their breakfast. We planned to go to a store and then to playgrounds before the temperature became uncomfortably hot in the afternoon. My older nephew found a toad and put it in the plastic pool. It was the leaping creature I had seen hoping around the garden. The little wild thing was dear to me, as I'd watched it jump when I watered plants.

They observed the tiny creature, and even put brown bark from dead wood to create a home for it. Meanwhile, as they were amazed by the sight of the gray-skinned leaper, I asked them to be gentle with it. After I got off the phone with my sister, Santi told me about the frog's private parts, that it had a penis just like his, curious I went to assess.

It was unmoving, with its tongue sticking and its insides pulled apart. I was highly distraught, witnessing this. An overwhelming and unspeakable compassion came over me; one I couldn't say or define. When I asked what had happened, my older nephew informed he had tossed the frog in the air, and it landed flat on the grass.

"You needed to be gentle with it!" I said, in disbelief that it had died. "It's dead. You can't do this to a creature! You need to be kind to it!"

At this point, I was close to tell my nephews they couldn't come over if they weren't going to be caring toward the yard's animals, including insects, and any living things. The backyard of the house was very woodsy. Many breathing kinds existed there: foxes, squirrels, rabbits, birds, toads, beetles, ants, chipmunks, and more. My other nephew had stomped on a beetle early in the am, and I spoke to him of leaving it alone and letting it be, hence it could live.

I ran upstairs to use the bathroom in disbelief that the little creature had departed. It seemed I'd do anything to keep its life from being harmed, as I would protect anything from the tiniest living organisms to big ones. I'd do whatever I could to guard them, even throwing myself in front of harmful things so they wouldn't get hurt.

"All life forms come to an end," I heard while I sat on the toilet with my hands covering my face, as I couldn't fathom the indescribable compassion in me. "Everything chooses how it is going to go."

My compassion for _all_ was profoundly deep, as if it could move Heaven, Earth, and Hell altogether. I wanted to cry. When I headed outside, I asked my nephews to be gentle to animals, even tiny ones. They all knew I was upset.

In the car, everyone was quiet on our way to the store.

"We need to be kind to all life forms," I said. "Every life is precious. Your life is not any better."

Santi carried on with this because he, too, loved all breathing beings. He was very caring and tender towards them. He shared his thoughts.

"When I die, I will go to heaven," my younger nephew said, as he was taught as a Christian.

"Heaven is right here, right now!" I said. So is hell.

"Oh, okay," he replied.

We drove to a toy shop and played there for a bit, then we bought a water slide for the boys to enjoy in the backyard. Later, we rode to the playground, but the temperature got too hot and humid. We returned home and had lunch. The kids had exciting times frolicking with water slides, sand, water balloons, and water guns.

Near evening, I left to go to a supermarket to purchase a few groceries we needed. Every song that played on the radio became about Krishna and I. Every time I saw him and I, we were always see-through, as well as this entirety, itself. Every stage I went through, I was always in love with him, truly and deeply, as we were one; a single unit.

When Sean and I cooked dinner, I shared with him what we all did for the day and then briefed him about the dead creature. The same boundless compassion emerged, where I wanted to burst into tears. He talked with Santi over having respect for not just living but also non-living things, whereas I was in my room watching a show.

A vision of Krishna and I holding each other occurred. He consoled about the frog and made many appear. They hopped on me, before they all vanished.

"Your heart is purest," he said, stroking my hair as I wrapped my arms around him. "Full of love and compassion."

Then I lay on his shoulder and didn't utter a word. In me, there wasn't anything else but that itself. "It's on to its next life, now."

An image of the frog riding on a bigger one came to me. The little toad that died lost its parent. Then a brown, long fish swam in water also came, inciting my understanding of what it was in its new life.

In a moment, I was going through a vortex filled with green and shining, sparkly light. It was digital in some ways. Undoubtedly, this was very dissimilar than ones I had journeyed through in the past.

In another meditation, I was lying leisurely when suddenly a centipede crawled towards me, and then at least a hundred more crept all over my body.

"Surrender to it," Krishna said.

"I will surrender," I said. "I will surrender to myself."

"You're the greatest soul," he said. "After this, you'll be fine."

As the day progressed, I was in my room relaxing and then making my bed. Once I finished watching one episode of a long Chinese series, I reflected on what Krishna had said regarding him being with me. This could only mean it was something major. I began to feel a tint of fear, though the thought left soon thereafter.

My tiredness hadn't waned. It was to where I had no desire for much of anything. The only thing in me was to be alive, and nothing more. Every day, I did nothing besides writing and editing memoirs, not really seeing the day. Sometimes when I was outside, the weather was pleasant, though there was no thought behind this, and came inside to edit.

In the evening following my exercise, deeply tired, I hardly ran to 3 miles on a treadmill. Despite how profoundly worn out I was, I still pushed myself through.

Sean seemed stressed out, complaining of his job again. I told him I was going to get catfish nuggets at the supermarket to cook for dinner.

"You're always there," he said as if he didn't want me to spend money. So, I didn't go, but was distressing inside, along with such fatigue. He pulled fish nuggets from the freezer for me to prepare. Santi was around the kitchen a lot, and didn't listen when we asked him to stay away from the area for safety. Sean was getting mad at him and I was highly frustrated, too. After I prepared the fish, there were no vegetables to mix in the soup. I became extremely upset and started yelling.

"If I want to go get things at the store, I suggest you don't say shit!" I said. "There's nothing for me to cook with the fish!"

The fact was, when there wasn't much desire if I wanted to go do something, I had to go do it right then and there; otherwise, the desire or any thought would be gone quickly like wind, and I'd be nothing: vacant, spacious and content, with no wants.

I started yelling and anger rapidly stormed through immensely like burning flames, torching through all realms. Sean asked me to stop, but I didn't. I threw the fish nuggets down the drain, but then picked them back up and rinsed. Then I slammed the fridge door and ran up the stairs. In me, everything was boiling, turning, and swirling strongly at that very moment, to where I might even hurt myself, as though I was going to explode into bits and pieces.

Rapidly my energy peaked unimaginably, powerfully. It was not turning, but was now purely there, as if I wasn't going to make it, in any case. The only thing I could see at that second was a knife repeatedly stabbing into my chest. I screamed loudly within, as I was bursting and going truly mad; as I was going to end myself immediately and couldn't go on, as it was next to impossible to uphold this.

Then I remembered what Krishna had said (to 'surrender') and realized when he said he'd be with me. This was it: a life or death moment. As I was showering, I yelled deeply inside from the depth of my core: "I'm done! I can't do it anymore! I can't go on anymore! I am done! I give up! I give up! Quan Yin! Quan Yin! I can't do it anymore! I end here! I am so tired! I am so tired! I can't do it anymore! Quan Yin!"

A flash developed of sitting in dim light, as Buddha rotating. I had a big golden, beaming halo behind my head.

"You're God, now," I heard. "You're Buddha, now."

In every aspect.

"I can't do it anymore! I am done! I can't go on anymore! I give up! My destiny ends here! My destiny ends here! From now on, I decide! I decide! I can't do it anymore! It ends here! I am done! Final! It's final! I am done! Quan Yin!!!"

The energy turned tremendously overbearing, severely and greatly, as I couldn't contain it, fracturing everywhere inside. At the moment, I wasn't sure if I would return another lifetime, as I had chosen, due to immeasurable compassion. I couldn't continue facing, transforming, and remembering myself any longer. It was deeply and immensely crushing, to where dying was the only way out, although that wasn't the route. When I got of the shower, I fell on my knees, this time. The energy twisted compellingly, and I screamed extremely vocal.

Oh my God!! Oh my God! I give up! I give up! I am done! It's final! It's final!!

At that point, it was even impossible to die as I had to bear it all: the typhoon of force taking, absorbing every ounce of my core, as I was completely dying.

As it gradually lowered, I was calm enough to where I could get up to go to my room to settle, not caring of anything. If I was to be done, I was to be done.

Images of Goddess of Mercy appeared, sitting in midair, watching me staring off into space. There were three copies of her, circling in my room.

I'm done! I can't go on like this! This ends here! Quan Yin!

I kept repeating the same thing, looking blankly. Later, Sean came in to talk, though there was no wish, as I sat slouching, truthfully depleted.

"Something big is going on with you. What is it?" he asked.

"I don't know," I replied, stone faced. "I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I give up."

"Can you really walk away?" he asked. "Find another way."

"Yes," I said. "I'm done. I've come full circle. This is my complete enlightenment. My final Nirvana."

It appeared as though, if I continued, I might truly end up dead, ending my life. "I am so tired. I'm burnt out in every way. There's no strength in me anymore. I can't do it."

"It looks like something big is around the corner for you," he said. "Every time you go through this, it is always something big."

"I don't know," I said, as I didn't really care and had no thoughts for anything, regardless.

"You're fighting something that you need to let go of," he continued. "Nothing ends. When you come full circle, you can do anything."

"I don't even know," I responded, as if it didn't really matter. "I can't go on facing myself endlessly like this anymore. I can't do it anymore. I am so tired and drained."

"You'll realize that it's really nothing, when you're done," he said.

"There's nothing to me," I said. "It's like I was born to do this; to write these books and go through all this. It's like I can't do anything else but write the memoirs."

"Do you feel trapped?" he asked.

"I don't know," I answered. "I thought I'd be passing my licensing exams and be in private practice with Dr. Linda and would buy a house in Crystal Lake or Schaumburg."

"And be lost like everyone else?" he said. "I already knew you'd be here. You already chose it."

At night, I retired to bed early, truthfully exhausted, and didn't eat dinner again. My energy was so low. When Santi came to my bedroom at 1 am, I got up to use the restroom and couldn't fall asleep, and I was downright gloomy. In the morning, I was up early, motionless, as shadows of hurt and pain loomed, as if I was in a graveyard.

An image of Krishna making love came to me. We were translucent, but he continued making love without stopping, as his head was buried on my shoulder. After a bit, I opened my eyes, unsure of what was going on, lying quietly. A song about doing "whatever it takes" kept popping into my head many times, though not the entire song, just that phrase. It seemed as though I needed to not give up, although what I was giving up could be something else entirely.

"I want complete liberation," I said softly. "I want complete salvation. No restraints. Complete liberation. Final."

A flash transpired of being in an untouched energy. A round, huge white thing was in front of me, resembling a satellite dish. First, I stood with my back towards it, thinking it was my halo, before I faced and lifted it. The dish had a handle in the middle, so I placed the round thing on a stand like a lamp. However, it kept enlarging before morphing into an umbrella. I took it off from the stand. Suddenly, many umbrellas manifested, made of brown bamboo paper.

"Release them!" I said, with much understanding of what was occurring inside. They slowly glided into the open sky. The scenery was breathtaking to witness, as the sunshades soared endlessly in the heavenly atmosphere. Then I found myself emerging from water, wet, in white clothes. I sat, and a razor blade came to my hand. I started shaving my damped hair. It took a bit longer, as I was the one doing the shaving instead of a monk or someone else.

"I let go," I said. "I let everything go."

It felt truly light once I mentioned this with a deeper comprehension of what was going on, and I carried forth with shaving until hairless. Gradually my body changed into that of a male monk in late teens or early twenties, in saffron attire. I got up and skipped, hopped, and hummed over pure clouds, free.

"Hmmm, hmm," I sang, as it seemed that now I was truly liberated. "Hmmm. Hmmm."

Then suddenly I was skipping behind some Buddhist monks, approximately ten to fifteen of them, carrying black oval rice bowls on a village road. I sang and hopped behind before I went next to them, carrying my bowl, and proceeded singing and skipping. When there was an open space, I snuck between the monks to get food. I ate, sang, and bounced while other monks walked in line and waited to eat their breakfast. Many people young and old, from the village, came to give alms, alongside the unpaved path, with some parts bordered by banana and bamboo trees.

Next, I was at green rice paddies that had a bare hut. Two poles held a log in the middle, so I did pull-ups. A few Buddhist monks showed up to spectate.

"Is this where you live?" one of them asked.

"I don't live," I said. "I am everywhere."

Then I headed towards the golden sun, which was beaming magnificently, early in the am, over green fields and coconut trees.

"The Auspicious One!" I heard.

"The Auspicious One," I repeated. "What is that?"

Three Shivas surfaced in the cloudless firmament. This time, he was sitting with a white crescent moon on his matted hair. He wore a tiger skin for his attire, and a king cobra adorned his neck as he sat with his palm opened. I waved my hand to gesture for him to vanish, as I was still tired and didn't want to see any God. I uncovered my eyes.

During my morning coffee, the cutie, with loose curly light brown hair browsed through his books, learning to read on his own. A wormhole developed. I closed my eyes, going through it. It was long. In the middle of traveling, I also turned sideways, then let both of my feet go first, instead of going headfirst. When I finally came through, I was carrying a trishul.

"The Almighty La!" I heard. I put the trident away and it looked like I had a shield, as well.

After sipping my java, I quickly tried finding details relating to the 'auspicious one' on the internet. Shiva came up as a reference. However, I didn't get to read and understand it thoroughly because Santi kept yelling for me. Thus, I put my phone away. As morning drifted, I was lighter internally. Santi and I drove to a grocery store and bought vegetables I needed to cook fish soup.

It made me smile within. When I said I wanted something, it happened almost instantly. Although what I underwent was a bit frightening, yet it produced such strength. In the middle of the day after my little guy left with his grandma, I attempted reading about the 'auspicious one,' but really got nothing except stories of Shiva, and didn't read them in depth, after I already had a headache from writing and editing. So, I took 'auspicious one' as a 'good thing'.

Amid cooking, I thanked Krishna for being with me. His words had emerged, reminding he was there as I undertook an arduous ordeal.

"Thank you for being with me, my love," I said.

An image of him hugging me surfaced.

"Everything is okay now," I said as he embraced me and put his head on my shoulder, as if he had no words to utter regarding what I'd endured. "I want you with me for all eternity."

Subsequent refining Book 1, I took a nightly stroll in the district. The weather was cooler; not hot and humid. Three minutes before I was home, a Thai song popped into my head, making me missed Krishna. I cleared away evening clouds, seeing him lay on his side watching me in his gold outfit, but he appeared more physical than see-through, although he was also transparent, too.

"I can't look anywhere else," he said. I beamed. "Come up here."

He pulled me to lie on his chest.

"Thank you for being with me, my love," I said.

"You're the bravest Soul," he said. "Incredibly courageous."

The following day, everything was the same. The fatigue and tiredness had subsided a lot, though it wasn't gone completely. It made me realize the recent transformation, the mighty energy that awakened was nothing more than my own strength. I was in disbelief over how powerful I truly was. In addition, I also noticed that the fear of going through a challenging situation didn't last long, although I wondered if I'd really have ended my life if Krishna wasn't present.

"Nothing like that will happen. Never!" he said. "Not in this lifetime or the next."

An image of him appeared, holding me while I bore the strongest force that late evening, in the shower. It felt as though I couldn't do anything else except allowing the supreme strength to come forth in its full and total capacity. When he mentioned 'next lifetime,' it caused a little resistance inside, as I wasn't certain if I wanted to return.

"I will be with you," he said, which of course put a beam on my face. The affection with the Divine God was incomparable: no Heaven or Earth could compare to such boundless and limitless love.

My romance with him was like before, where love songs playing on the radio became of him and me. I'd grin to myself, in love, head over heels seeing twinkling stars in skies. He was constantly there, in me as myself, so purely and so completely in every way. Our union was transcendental, formless, and untainted.

Following dinner, I headed upstairs to get ready for the night. Amidst brushing my teeth, a vision occurred, of standing next to Shiva in a hut. He appeared more human. We stood observing pouring rain.

"I am you," I said.

"You are me. You were never anyone or anything else," he said. "The great La."

We continued viewing the rain until a multi-headed snake surfaced from water. The water transformed into a vast, great lake with heavy downpour.

"It's yours," Shiva said, observing the many-headed serpent.

"Will it listen to me?" I asked. Momentarily, I flew to where the giant snake was, and it dipped itself into the deep, where I could see only its tail. When its head turned up, I landed on it, but it speedily threw me off. While standing in the air, uncertain of how I was going to tame the serpent. Immediately, I raised my arm and the trishul instantly flew to my grip. The lightning flashed.

"The great Shiva!" I heard.

I slammed the trishul on the serpent's tail, and it struggled to break free. I pulled the weapon off. It swam away and I raced after. It was tame, though it had gotten smaller in size. We swam next to each other, then the snake turned into little white tadpoles similar to sperms.

Suddenly I found myself sitting in my room with a big stomach, sneezing, with Kleenex on the floor and in my hand. The Destroyer appeared behind me, sitting in meditation with his palm opened.

"She has made it," he said.

I got up, walking in my room. His transparent form, with muscles, holding a trishul and wearing a tiger covering skirt just like in his pictures, was shadowing me. It was as if I was in him, though he was see-through. Another of him showed up, sitting in the air.

"I love you," I said, meeting my forehead with his, and I carried on with folding and placing clothes away in drawers. "I am you. There's no doubt."

Later, I was at the highland, sitting as Shiva. The multi-headed snake came and covered my head like an umbrella during rain.

"The Auspicious One," I heard. "The Powerful One."

I proceeded to be in silence. It poured harder and the snake expanded bigger, adding another head to itself in order to shelter me completely. Shortly, I stood and fell forward, carrying my trident.

"The Ultimate One!" I heard. "The Almighty."

Then I faced the sky amid falling, before sitting calmly until I reclined with one hand supporting my head. When I didn't want to fall, I just stopped right in the middle, then raised myself to the top and walked on air. I switched to my own form, donning a long black skirt with a tight white tee-shirt and a white flower crown on my head, smiling because I was going to see the God who held the instrument.

Strolling on clear light, I heard: "She's free."

My form became crystal clear. When I reached Krishna, I put my forehead on his.

"My Goddess," he said.

"I love you," I said.

The Gods and Goddesses appeared, all see-through. Quan Yin sat in the sky. I ventured somewhere else, and saw Buddha.

"My beloved," he said, with a bow.

"You're my beloved," I said with a bow, and was touched.

I returned to see Krishna, but he was side by side with Radha. I stood motionless. He saw me, rushing to where I was.

"We are each other," he said, taking my hand.

"I just want you," I said.

"You have me," he said. "I'm all yours. All yours, my love."

He picked me up and carried me somewhere.

"He loves her deeply," Radha mentioned when she saw this.

Everyone disappeared, and I was by the bridge. I walked fast, crossing it before running, and made it to the other side very easily, as if it wasn't anything. The bridge was clearer, without clouds on both sides. Then I returned and raced across and stopped right in the middle.

"There's no bridge," I said. "There's no disconnection. There's no me. There's no self. Just Self!"

I sat on transparent air. The bridge had disappeared.

"Such is me. Such is life. Such is - is."

Once I uttered this, I was at ease. There was no heaviness: just lightness.

My complete salvation.

Every now and then, I melted residual conditions as they occurred. Some energy attached to them could be challenging, although they weren't too dense. It didn't take long to acknowledge, understand, be mindful, and permitting them to pass through then they dissipated.

One night, Sean said something that caused me to become vocal. Inside, I understood I was still going through changes. When I returned home from my nightly stroll, we talked.

"Do you know why I said that?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"Because you never do anything for yourself; you always do for others," he went on. "You have no new clothes. Most of your underwear and tank tops are torn and your shirts are old. You won't buy anything for yourself, but you'll get a new toy for your son."

Maybe he was correct; but I had no thoughts of myself, as I needed nothing to be happy or content. My contentment and happiness were independent of any external things. They were untouched, pure, and unshaken.

"What are you teaching your son when you do that?"

"Nothing. I don't teach him anything," I replied.

I have nothing to teach.

I headed upstairs to shower.

The following day, Santi and my younger nephew played. He had a sleepover. The whole morning, I was tired from lack of proper rest for a couple of nights. The sound of severe thunder and heavy rainfall had also kept me awake last night. While performing daily routines, Santi's loudness and his reluctance to do homework were irritating.

Before going on an outing, I rested upstairs. The boys ran ruckus downstairs, chasing each other with Nerf guns. A vision emerged, of treading down a semi-dark hall filled with golden Buddha idols.

"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha," I kept saying multiple times. Then I was in the snowy clouds, seeing Buddha far and wide. Even when soaring higher, there was only Buddha everywhere, below, around, and above. One Buddha figure materialized through light. I sat in meditation, as I myself now was Buddha. The golden brilliant halo behind me radiated brighter.

"The lotus has bloomed," I said, standing and heading elsewhere with a trident, and came upon a lake covered in ultra-thin, white energy.

Approximately three transparent Shivas presented in the atmosphere. The chant "Aum Namah Shiva," immediately played, and it wasn't too loud; just perfect. The mantra played on for some time. The Destroyer vanished. Thereafter, I sat as the Cosmic God, silently in the atmosphere, among the cosmos, as well as spinning orbs in every direction were inside me.

"God is who I am," I said.

Then I witnessed myself on Earth in green fields, playing mud volleyball with others who were caked in mud. Only our eyes and white teeth showed, if we were to smile. A guy spiked the ball forcefully and it slammed on my chest, and I fell.

"Dang," I said.

Momentarily, I tried catching fish in muddy water when I saw a couple of them swim by, but they kept getting away when I nearly caught them.

Krishna surfaced higher in the empty space, watching me in the fields chasing those fresh water creatures and falling in the sludge.

"My princess," he said.

I, who sat as Shiva, was deeply moved by his love, and couldn't stay longer than a split second after Krishna appeared.

He's my heart and my Soul.

Immediately I switched to my form, almost instantly I was transparent. Shiva's formlessness was over me, as I was in him. For split a moment I flew, before taking myself directly in front of the Divine God.

"My princess!" he said, surprised, as I was face to face with him, lying down.

"What?" I asked. "Don't like it?"

He gazed briefly before saying, "Come here!"

After we made love, I said, "I can't get enough of you."

For a whole week I was with Santi and his friends, taking them to different parks. It was enjoyable observing him relishing quality times with his cousins and good pals, even though I hardly had an opportunity to write. My sister was doing another fundraising this year. We were at her house often. Though she needed help with making egg rolls, there was no desire to assist her. I was observing and appreciating whatever was. Inside, I was still drained and had no interest in assisting in that way and I never really had. Within was stillness and what was. If any entanglements surfaced, I'd be aware and mindful of them.

Strangely, I continued seeing razor blades in my mouth. Again, I attempted swallowing them, yet couldn't. One stuck in my throat. And I'd use those blades to slice myself open, understanding that I was peeling off more ties.

Sad songs played and I'd be sad, realizing that I had killed myself off and let go of what I identified with. Now I was La Kingsavanh, without beginning or end, without self. There was very little in me for utterly simple living and the enjoyment of what was - the here and now. The meditations helped me understand where I was inwardly. Abandoning those forms hung outside the yard was my final letting go. Now I understood why I kept collapsing in the middle of the bridge, unable to hang on to any last of physical that I had given up.

"If only emptiness and contentment is left in me, then only emptiness and contentment is left in me," I said, grieving for what already died. "I'm okay with it."

At night, I meditated. I was on a passenger train, journeying to no known destination. There was no desire to take the train, I got off. In my hand I held a brown, square briefcase. When it was opened, there was nothing in it, so I dumped the case in the garbage bin and strode into the city. The metropolitan morphed into air, with only silvery crescent moon above it. Straightaway, I took myself to it.

"It's my moon!" I said, and grabbed it, placing it on my mane as my decoration. The metropolis reappeared. I walked on ground, grinning to myself, and kept touching the beaming crescent moon. It was a precious adornment of mine, besides the drum and other belongings.

I went to sit on cement, watching people walk pass, as I was in awe of the treasured, most beautiful decoration in my hair. The half-moon radiated where I sat. When I saw a vendor nearby, I went to buy something to drink, smiling to myself. I patted the adornment again.

"Lemonade, please," I said, and returned to sit in amusement, afterwards, unable to believe the precious white moon sitting on my head. Shiva appeared, transparently over the city as well as the ground I sat on.

Next, I was elsewhere and saw myself as a young monk of about 12 years old, walking on a tightrope. In the area contained many, high and low. He did various moves as he crossed. He hopped, spun, twirled, and skipped. Sometimes he fell off, though it seemed he made himself fall, or was conscious of his falling and got back up.

Amid spending time with friends at water parks the following afternoon, I talked to them over finding leggings that were suitable for summer. A store didn't carry suitable style when I was shopping the other day. They made suggestions to go to certain shopping departments that may carry those items. However, the following day, when my friend came to drop her daughter off to play with Santi, she brought along leggings she had that didn't fit her. The leggings fit me well.

At my sister's house in the evening, I didn't do a lot except lounging and read a couple of chapters of the memoirs on my phone. Although I was out and about, my insides felt like they were being carved and cut open, invoking more understanding that the fatigue came from going through my own death. One of my friends insisted I learn how to wrap egg rolls so I could help them.

"You guys have the strength to do it yourselves," I said. It's when you need no one's help that you'll come to your own strength.

It had been raining on and off the entire week. Many mosquitos were busy. One even bit my butt. I wasn't definite how it got there. The bite left a noticeable bump. At night, I woke to use the restroom and couldn't snooze. For some time, I tossed and turned, listening to the sound of the rain. It was deeply relaxing, though it didn't send me to bed.

An image befell of observing a maroon wooden carvings wall with different designs. Not wanting to pay attention to it, I almost opened my eyes, though I chose to follow the wall, which didn't lead anywhere until later. I was in dim light and found Shiva sitting, in a porcelain skin tone, meditating. A soft white candy like a marshmallow came to my hand. It was mushy in texture, and I put it in my mouth, then leaned on Shiva's shoulder, eating all of it. The round sweetness was twice the size than the one I ate when I reached Nirvana. Then I walked elsewhere.

"Full blown Shiva," I heard.

He appeared throughout the city as I soared. Then I sat on snowy energy as light displayed on me.

"God," I heard. I got up, heading nowhere.

Tightropes manifested directly, so I treaded on one before recognizing they were ropes from endless laundry I'd hung to dry.

"There's no rope," I said, and instantly strode on spotless light.

There was no more laundry, though there were some ripped-off white cloths here and there on the ropes. With a plastic garbage bag in my hand, I pulled off those tiny garments and placed them in the bag. I tried to burn them, but couldn't, so I took the bags to an adjacent river to toss. It was the same with the ropes: I wasn't able to torch them. Then, with a gasoline tank, I spilled gas on those ropes before incinerating them to ashes. Nothing was done until I burned all to naught.

When I saw few bags, I had thrown floating in the river, I jumped in and dragged them to surface to set them on fire and was successful this time. My grandpa's wisdom helped tremendously, to 'not to just take down the logs, but to take out the roots, as well.' My conditions, thoughts, desires, or anything else needed to be confronted and extinguished, until there was no trace.

The meditative scene changed. Now I observed very light, purest white force with some electricity in it (or sparkly gold; I am unsure of which).

"This is inside me?" I said. "Wow! How incredible. So beautiful. So magnificent."

As I toured, I marveled at how tremendously, utterly beautiful I was. How truly and deeply pure and untouched I was. It was 'pure heaven'. Momentarily, I found myself sitting in snowy mist in amazement of how magnificently transformed I was. No language could utter such perfection.

Buddha surfaced through crystal clear light in purest white, stationing calmly in silence, with a pink lotus in his palm, letting me know this was who I was, now.

"I made it," I said. "I truly have made it in every way. I made it."

Then I lay sideways with my hand supporting my head. Brilliant golden energy cascaded over my entirety from head to toe.

"Wow," I gaped. "How magnificent I am. How beautiful I am."

And I kept on observing myself speechlessly.

"I can rest now. I can relax now. I come full circle."

I opened my eyes.

A couple of attachments emerged where I had to dissect them, the resentment of being stepped on along with dealing with family and cultural obligations. Understanding and burning off my thoughts and the emotions associated with those kept me unrest at night. Inside, I was deeply wiped out. Facing the energy of this wasn't exciting, but excruciating. It pained when energy twisted and torched. My head began to ache. Even close to daybreak, I couldn't sleep, wanted to cry because I was deeply drained. Being stressed out and low in energy like this, I wasn't certain how I was going to be able to read, refine, and write books and take care of Santi. Over and over, I confronted anything associated with not speaking up for myself and allowing others to step on me.

An image arose, of reclining sideways on porcelain air with hand cushioning my head. I continued observing myself in astonishment. I paraded everywhere in the light; then Buddha appeared universally, reclining.

"Nirvana!" I heard.

"Final!" I said firmly.

It was 5 am and I couldn't rest, and when I did, Santi woke. We went downstairs, as I was greatly depleted. He was toying with the curtains by pulling and lowering, pulling and lowering them a few times, so I scolded him. He could've at least waited until I had my caffeine. The loudness of my voice scared the little guy. He pouted, nearly in tears.

In the afternoon, I took him to an indoor park. He had fun, though I was truly washed and deeply stressed. The whole day I pushed myself through, although it was pleasurable being with him. Close to late afternoon, I wanted to relax. When Sean came home, I discussed with him the conditioning I was dealing with. Understanding clearer of the issues helped me acquired proper sleep, that night.

The following day, a flash of Krishna came, telling me, "We need to cross a bridge. It's a long one."

Just for a moment, I was able to pay attention to the meditation. Santi and I were in the yard creating many things with Play-doh. When Sean was with Santi, I walked upstairs to re-read Book 2, before resting.

Before Krishna and I crossed a long passage with no bottom, I opened my mouth, taking out a razor blade. He pulled one away, yet there were many sharp objects zipped in small, clear plastic, inside me. We laid those in a bucket.

The air was soft and misty. Light clouds floated by. It was indeed lengthy, seeing no end to the bridge.

"We will cross it together," he said.

Following my observation of the surroundings, I remembered I was on this bridge in the past, but now it was truly extensive, with no end to it. Holding Krishna's hand, I hopped on his back before going in front of him and jumping in his arms. Then I pulled him to lie down so we could make love.

"We will cross it," I said. "We can do it."

"Promise," he said.

"You promise," I said.

We got up and continued. Sometimes I would hang on his elbow and drag myself. Later, I lifted myself in the air and rolled. Then, I made the air move similar to a conveyor belt as I sheltered my hands underneath my head glancing at immaculate sky. Shortly, I lay flat on my chest, sliding on energy next to the blue God, instead of walking. I descended and used my knees to gait, then pulled Krishna's pants off. He became completely naked, truly translucent and untouched. Nothing could really define his perfection. Carefully, I observed his utter flawlessness and magnificence and was so deeply softened, I almost choked in tears. He was about to put his pants back on.

"No, my love," I said, transfixed on his absolute perfection.

I got up and hopped on his back. Then I made pants exist on him. We kept crossing the endless bridge. I came out of meditation to go for a nightly stroll.

Near sunrise, when I woke, I continued. We still had a way to journey. I did many things during this travel, such as playing hopscotch, gliding, and pulling on Krishna's arms. Inside, it seemed I no longer had anything to lose or to fear. Life and death became one and the same. When there was nothing to who I was; I could do anything. Then I stripped in front of him.

"Don't do that," he said.

My form faded then I became unequivocally transparent, like he was. It took just moments.

"You're the greatest. The most perfect," he went on. "You're truly the most beautiful Goddess ever to take form."

His love moved me, I almost weep.

"Come here," I said. We were intimate again.

"We are meant for each other," he said, caressing my cheek. "You're the purest energy that's meant for me."

"Yes, my love," I said.

We proceeded, and it took some time. Then I glanced ahead and quickly flew before taking myself there immediately. A portal mixed with light gold energy manifested. I delved into the swirly wormhole, and it changed into a smallest plastic tube, then became an intravenous line likes ones I had gone through a few times.

As I kept on with no form, the line was unimaginably extensive, as well as very twisty. Some parts were deeply narrow, and thought I couldn't get through. Other segments were zigzags closely on top of each other, where it was difficult to travel on. Then it became unthinkably slim, where breathing was impossible.

"It can be done," Krishna said as he watched. His comment signified that it would be a next to impossible transformation to undertake and make through. It was a heads up, with what I had to endure in continuing to remember, transcend and face who I was.

We were inside the empty universe in dim light, with only a clear line to pass. As I proceeded, I became exhausted and wanted to break, though I quickly understood that my bondages hadn't been burnt to ruins.

An image came of my old house where my family and I used to live.

"I let go of houses, of my parents, of my sister, of my culture. I let it all go," I said.

Now the line was straight upward, but tiny beads were in them. Then it became extremely narrow again, and I got anxious. As I was going through the tightest parts my anxiety raised more and more until it considerably invaded my whole, uncertain if I could make it: not even a tiniest ant could even possibly crawl pass.

"Oh, my God!" I screamed. "This is next to impossible! It's next to impossible! It's next to impossible!"

Shiva appeared, holding a trishul. He was muscular, wearing a tiger skin, with king cobras circled around both of his arms and his neck. He came as the warrior God.

"I can do it!" he said, standing tall and observing.

"I can do it," I said, and kept on. The line was clear again, with shiny, sparkly water shooting up. Though it wasn't as slim, there was no stop to this. Nonetheless, I arrived to where it was deeply twisty, and worse than before.

"You can do this!" Krishna shouted.

"I can do this," I repeated, and kept traveling the never-ending tube.

When it was straight, I shot up. Yet, when it was thin, I did my best to get past. It didn't matter how far I looked to see if I was getting close: there was no finish line. Though I got tired, but kept on. Then something emerged, suddenly.

"I love La Kingsavanh so deeply, so truly and so completely. I love La Kingsavanh so deeply, so truly and so completely. I love La Kingsavanh so deeply, so truly and so completely. I love La Kingsavanh so deeply, so truly and so completely. I love La Kingsavanh so deeply, so truly and so completely. I love La Kingsavanh so deeply, so truly and so completely. I love La Kingsavanh so deeply, so truly and so completely. I love La Kingsavanh so deeply, so truly and so completely," I continually recited.

The pure, tiny, long duct became normal to where I could slip by, without much effort. It was a size of my pinky. It felt as if I could breathe just a little. Then I arrived to the end. The lid was already uncovered. I launched speedily into the void.

"The great Shiva!" I heard, and landed on energy that was parallel to a sun. I collapsed on my knees then on all fours before lying down, holding myself, and cried tears of joy.

"Finally! I made it, finally! I finally made it! I made it! I am truly liberated in every way. I am truly liberated in every single way."

In no time, I was on a rowboat, rowing at countryside streams. Sky was without clouds and all was peaceful. Calmly observing my environments before touching water, I said, "All is me, in me as me. All is me, in me as me. All is me, in me as me. All is me, in me as me. All is me, in me as me. All is me, in me as me. I am Self. Love. God."

It must've been about 4 am when I stopped meditating. Following toilet trip, Santi and I fell back asleep. We had our breakfast, and I took him to story time at the local library and then we drove to a store. No surprise: he wanted another toy that he'd play with for five or ten minutes. He was told to wait until his birthday, only a week away. He understood, so we did sight word hunt. He was able to read many, but with other words, he needed help.

An image of Krishna and I occurred. We stood facing one another, hand in hand, in formless form.

"Be my wife once and again," he said.

Speechless and deeply vulnerable by this, I met my forehead on his.

In the last week, it seemed that big and small ties and connections insistently surfaced. My energy was uptight, as it never stopped. When Sean said something, I'd yell. During my nightly walk, I reflected on situations with family obligations and not speaking openly. In my culture, I was taught to keep silent: for women, it was an appropriate thing to follow. To unlearn this, I needed to understand the emotions, thoughts, perceptions and so on, what had been taught from all angles. This wasn't the first round I melted the traditions in me; however, this may be the last effects from it.

Then I texted my brother-in-law a few times, asking him to repay the $10 he'd borrowed. Certainly, it wasn't the money, but to get my dignity, self-esteem, and voice back. What I was facing had nothing to do with my sister or brother-in-law. It was all me, and I had to do it for myself, especially when I didn't want to say anything due to fear. I mustered up courage and did it. It was tough, but liberating, afterwards. The grudges I held were not towards anyone but me, for letting who I was be unheard and shutting myself away due to traditional beliefs.

Moreover, it wasn't in me to be relied on. They needed to depend on themselves. The next day, I went over to my sister's house to fetch the money even though there was no desire, and it didn't matter any longer. The attachments associated with family and culture had faded.

More and more, it was if I was desireless, as well as thoughtless. Love and compassion was the energy that was fully and completely what I was, as if there wasn't much space for anything else besides this and contentment.

In meditation, I was inside dark haze dumping razor blades from a metal silver pail into a machine. Once the machine ground those sharp edges, the tiny pieces slid to an open pipe into another portion where they were being crushed into air.

"There's nothing left," I said observing. "There's nothing."

All the blades in buckets were gone, as I kept on working. The loads of white clothes doubtlessly needed to be grinded to nothing. Though my tiredness had subsided, but had more ties to dissolve.

When I encountered Krishna, I'd say to him that I surrendered. One evening, while waiting for Santi to fall asleep, a vision developed. I was in the back yard of the current house in which I resided. Everything, including the trees, house, grounds, air, and the entire planet, moved to the movements of my breath. Everything breathed, as I was breathing.

One evening, Sean got mad at my nephew for playing ball inside the house. He'd had to work late the night before, so I supposed he didn't get enough sleep. While he was frustrated, I was mad at him for yelling at the kids, telling him not to bring his job home; that it was better for him to stay at work, with the attitude he had. Then he shared with the boys, during dinner, about killing mosquitoes. The blood would gush from those flying insects if they sucked enough before they get killed.

"It's gross," I said. "Don't talk about that stuff."

"It's boy talk," he replied.

However, at night, after I rose to use the restroom, I couldn't sleep due to being furious with Sean conversing about killing the mosquitoes. After I had a discussion with the boys about respecting living things a month ago, he'd shared of harming bloodsucking insects. Even mosquitoes had the right to exist. They, too, were my beloved. At nearly 2 am, I texted him not to hurt any living forms, and not to talk to the boys in such way, of injuring mosquitoes. It was to where I threatened him with my message. To assure he understood, I barged into his bedroom to yell. Certainly, he wanted me out of his space in order to go back to sleep.

All he said was, "Okay, I won't do that again. Okay, okay."

Resting in my bed, I whispered: "I love all so dearly. I love all life forms so completely. I love all life so deeply."

In the morning, he didn't go to work. When I was downstairs brewing coffee, I heard him showering. Interested to know the reason, I walked into the steaming bathroom. He informed he didn't get enough rest after I'd nagged him, and that he had many vacation hours. It seemed he would use any excuse not to go to his employment. He called it the "hole" or the "pit."

He then told me he knew where I was with myself. He verbalized that I couldn't let go of my 'final' form. Seconds later, he gave high fives for coming to my 'final' letting go of my physical.

"I already know that," I said.

"This is where Buddha thought it was all compassion, but it's leaving the final form. You're at where he was at."

It is all compassion, depthless compassion.

"Shiva is dead," he suddenly said. "He's gone."

This comment disturbed my whole swiftly, immensely, like hundreds and hundreds of sharpest blades stabbed into my very core, endlessly. How could he be gone when I was he? It could be that the destruction in me were no longer or were shedding off. If Shiva died, that meant, I, too, died, as now I only saw myself and the God of Destruction and Transformer as formless.

When I descended the stairs to exercise before dinner, I was worst, in whirlwind of hurt and agony and had to sit on the sofa, persevering. It was if I wasn't going to make it through and wanted to give up. Inside, I was in the depths of absolute despair and was being swallowed in its deepness, to where I couldn't see the light. Despite wanting to cry, I couldn't. No doubt, I was also angry with Sean for saying what he'd said; although to say that Shiva was dead was saying I was dead. Any life and death became the life and death of me. The energy persisting was truthfully great, consuming and weakening me completely, as though I was having extreme outbursts to no end. Ironically, I wanted to hurt Sean, and knew that I could overwhelm his energy by crushing him into tiny slices.

Momentarily, an image developed of standing on clouds turning the entire Universe into anything I wanted. It was readily within me to destroy, maintain, and create like it was nothing at all. I was able to do it effortlessly. Without even blinking, I caused a massive explosion in the planet and dispersed it into tiniest fragments, before changing it back to how it was. If I was to be surrounded in every corner, like what Krishna did, I'd come out of my form and be invisible and limitless, to where nothing and no one could touch me.

"Bring on Rama!" I yelled. The God Warrior arrived in the same way, truly handsome, wearing warrior attires.

"The Goddess Shiva!" he shouted, standing distance far.

"It's Me! I Am!" I yelled. "The Fearless One!"

We began our duel by me dispersing the entire world into golden, radiant energy. There was nothing left of physical realm. He came behind me with the golden arrow and fired right it through my torso. I scattered into golden light. When I appeared behind him with the strongest golden weapon in my hand, immediately I stabbed Rama with it. He exploded into immaculate golden air. Suddenly, among watching him, I became deeply soft as boundless compassion and love crept over my whole.

"Oh my God," I said, in tears, and fell on my knees. "I can't do it."

Rama resumed his form. He was farther away, observed me kneeling.

"Compassion," he said.

Gently, I picked myself and walked towards the God Warrior with my arms wide.

"Just take me, my love," I said, as I wasn't going to fight him. He could hurt me any way he wished. "I surrender. I surrender. I surrender all."

It appeared that the more powerful I became, the more harmless I was. Moreover, it seemed I'd rather be hurt and go through all the sufferings instead of others. Despite bearing ocean of hurt, I kept on with my exercise and be with strength of this energy.

The truth was: no one at this point could tell me who I was, as I was already who I was. Besides, I needed to go through everything myself to gain full remembrance and self-assurance, and confidence that were pure and unshaken. No one's words could help except for me to do it myself, coming to my own answers and truths. After my shower, I meditated to understand the transformation taking place within.

Lately, in meditation, I often see lions running my way. This time there was a leopard staring in my direction, pacing as I rested on air. I wanted to pat it.

"Can we be friends?" I asked, though it kept pacing back and forth, watching. Then I noticed I was wearing a tiger skin and my form was Shiva, holding a trishul.

"Oh, I can explain," I said, studying my outfit.

Eventually, I moved towards the beautiful animal and petted its head. We were best friends, shortly.

"Can I ride on you?" I asked.

During my ride, I lay on it briefly before facing the sky, with my hands underneath my head, and then lay on my stomach with my legs hanging.

I uncovered my eyes from meditating.

The strong force inside me tirelessly and stubbornly persisted. Sometimes it was deeply unbearable, and on different occasions I just wanted to shortened my life. The energy didn't tense up to where it was unmanageable, but it stayed put, as if I was blasting, scattering into smallest parts.

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It's impossible! It's impossible!" I screamed truthfully loud inside, as though I was going foolish, enduring this. Visions of razor blades stuck in my mouth emerged, although at times I was able to swallow them. Other times, I couldn't, therefore I would pull them out. Krishna hadn't showed up, lately. On couple of occasions, I'd yell his name when the severest, storm of energy erupted everywhere within, telling him how impossible it was, with what I was facing, as I couldn't even hang onto the thinnest thread.

"I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!" I'd repeat periodically.

Death was much better than what was going on, and I wished I'd never come to all this. It was a lot to pay for, and the value was costing all of 'me'. It was deeply formidable, whereas carrying thousands of Himalayas was far easier than this.

Similarly, at times I wanted to hurt myself, and on one occasion I wanted to chop my fingers or arms off amid cooking, looking at knives. It was inevitably to distract from monumental force that carried on mercilessly.

"Krishna! Krishna! Krishna! It's next to impossible! It's next to impossible! Krishna!!" I cried within, and sat at a kitchen corner.

In meditation, I found myself flying through white mist.

"La is La," I whispered. "La is La."

White sheet and pen popped in my hand. There was nothing to pen, so I scribbled a couple of lines, but they were transparent. Then I threw blank pages all around.

"La is La. The Destroyer. The Maintainer. And the Creator."

A tree was there, I observed it. Immediately, many light bulbs manifested, dangling on this tree. It was beautiful to witness. Many more existed far and wide. One came to my hand, although it wasn't lit. Just moments, it lit up.

"Pure intelligence," I heard.

"Pure intelligence," I repeated.

This was what it reduced to when I had no thoughts and was formless - 'pure intelligence' with no bounds: simple, true, and supremely powerful of consciousness.

One afternoon following polishing Book 2, I shut my eyes for a doze. However, an image arose of sitting below a tree nowhere known. Besides clear clouds, a small pool of clear water was there. To observe the liquid closely, I stood up. Despite my attempts to see my form carefully through its reflection, I wasn't able to. Usually I'd see my own image, yet this time, there was none. Things I was able to see were vibrant vapors and the leafy tree. A realization arose that I was unseen, formless and invisible.

Then I headed elsewhere and found myself surfacing from aqua in the dark. Buddha sat with his eyes shut and his palm raised. A good-sized fish swam nearby, and I caught it in my grip.

"It's a big one," Buddha said, indicating that whatever I was enduring wasn't anywhere easy. Holding the fish in my hand, I made a kitchen appear and skinned the swimming creature with a knife, cutting it into smaller pieces. A pot appeared, and I put fish slices in it to cook. Once done, I ate the soup.

"I love Krishna so badly," I said, while eating and while Buddha watched. When the broth was eaten, I strolled elsewhere in dark, indistinct atmosphere. Krishna arrived to take my hand, but he was truly shapeless, as was I. There were no outlines to distinguish between 'he and I', like we were.

"I'm your wife, you know," I said.

"For all eternity," he said. We made love, though there was no 'he' or 'I', at all.

"I love you," I said.

"It's all gold, now," he said.

"It's all gold, now," I repeated. He picked me up and carried me. When I tried to see his form, I wasn't able, as he was deeply unnoticed. We couldn't be seen.

"Now when I carry you, I carry the entire Universe," he informed.

After Sean said Shiva being dead, I wasn't at my best with him amid enduring the overpowering energy that didn't leave. It was intensely powerful, and I felt like I could detonate into fragments, at any time. Whenever I spoke to him, I wasn't using my friendly voice.

Amidst relaxing on my bed when Santi was at his grandparents'; an image of the Incredible Hulk ensued. He punched me in the face, though I didn't do anything. It was the heaviest blow, and I shook. He attempted again, and this time I just put my palm towards his fist.

"I let you go, my love," I said to my anger. "I love you with my all. I am at peace, now. I let you go in peace, my beloved. I love you with my all."

Then I cried, understanding the destructive aspects of who I was were being shred off, torching to naught. The rage and destruction had been with me ever since who knew when. Letting go of it was undeniably sendoff the biggest piece of La. Opening my eyes, I wiped my tears and lay motionless.

"I love so badly," I whispered. "I love so immeasurably. I love so completely."

One afternoon, however, Sean and I really involved in fiery arguments, and I threw a model car and it broke. Santi bawled, witnessing his toy in pieces, as well as fearing what was happening. My energy spiked to such degree that I wasn't resolute of how to be with it, in every way it looked as I was collapsing, and my veins and vessels were destructing into countless bits.

This was Santi's birthday, and his cousins were getting ready to come celebrate with him. Sean angrily yelled that Shiva was dead, and that he no longer was afraid of me. He had mentioned this a few times on and off in the last month or also. Unlike other times, he informed he was scared to come home, anxious to be swallowed up by Shiva, fearful of my wrath, as he was treading on thin ice.

"You don't tell me who I am! I am La Kingsavanh!" I screamed. "I am who I am! I am who I am! You don't tell me who I am! I am who I am! I am who I am!!"

To settle and be with myself, I rushed upstairs to sit on my bed, deeply hurt and once more my entirety was crushed and I was severely agonized as I was being chopped into ends and scattered into innumerable remains. To say that Shiva died caused unspeakable pain, as if I'd completely perished in all ways. Sea of torments crashed all over, as it was bottomless. Sitting in my room and bearing the insurmountable force, I was having never-ending eruptions.

Oh my God! Oh my God! I am who I am! I am who I am! I am who I am!! I am who I am!!

Tears streamed my face as I was truly dying; as I wasn't even there, as I was gone, leaving forms. Sean entered my room later to apologize, admitting that I was 'right,' saying that what he'd said earlier was to injure me. Nevertheless, he was informed the situation induced strengths and pure confidence in myself because now: no one and nothing in this entire planet could tell me who I was. La was who she was, without question or answer, any longer.

He proceeded to say he wasn't certain why my identification was with Shiva, but not with Vishnu or Brahma. He mentioned that Shiva was one force, although I was unsure of his reasons for using 'identifying' to describe my energy, unless he meant why I was born as this energy itself, though it didn't matter anymore.

"I am All," I said softly, glaring into distance in severest hurt, as I was sawed opened. "I am all energies."

Even though there wasn't any identification or description in me, I remained quiet. There was no desire to explain to anyone who I was, and there wasn't anything in myself to elaborate on. It didn't seem he understood where I was or what was transpiring, and at that moment forward, it was La, by herself.

Before, in my journey, it was truthfully painful to accept myself due to the great, raging force and destruction existed in me; parts I utterly used to despise. When growing up, I attempted to shut this off, only embrace amicable sides of myself. The harder I tried burying this fearsome anger, the stronger it mounted. Along the path of self-remembrance, I gradually arrived to love myself immeasurably, and came to remember other aspects I never truly knew, such as 'the great sage, the auspicious one, the powerful one, the holy one, and the fearless one'.

From destruction, I came to be wholly harmless, filled with only depthless love, peace and compassion for all.

Nonetheless, at night, I couldn't sleep, tossing and bearing unrelenting, unfathomable pain. It was the same thing: no one could tell me who I was. Even more, I no longer needed or wanted anyone's help, as I could do everything and anything on my own. It was me who endured arduous and profound inner transformations to come to pure knowledge, wisdom, and remembrance of Self. I was the sole Authority, and it was up to me then to do it all the way, to completely remember, having untouched confidence and awareness in every angles.

"I am my own! I am my own God! I am my own! I am my own God! I am my own God!"

Undeniably, I was the God and Goddess, as well as the descent of myself. It seemed I still had challenging time accepting that I was an extraction of the Destroyer, and wanting to stay away, didn't want to be associated with it, as I was frightened of this. Krishna was right; I wouldn't have been able to embrace this grand revelation if my birth was revealed before.

A flash befell of sitting in untainted white light on a purest lotus flower seat. The lotus petals dropped off individually until my seat, in a lotus shape, contained only lightest white energy.

"The most beautiful Soul," I heard. "The purest Soul."

As I carried on contemplating and enduring unspeakable pains, many visions developed to bring clarity.

An image occurred of strolling on a sidewalk carrying a briefcase during nighttime. My hair was long but thin, and it was falling off, as I could see the skin of my skull. It felt as if I was getting a divorce and going off to live in a new town, starting over with everything. A memory came of when I relocated to reside in a different city to earn an education degree. The emotions of starting over, such as loneliness, sadness, and uncertainty, were like how I was feeling at the time. It was for sure I was alone, as I had repeatedly verbalized.

"It's all me now. I am alone. I am alone."

As the depthless distress sustained, I wanted to find relief by possibly going to Krishna, though there was no desire. It was La, now, only with herself. The only temple I could seek refuge from was me.

I am my own, on my own!

That night, I probably had an hour of sleep. The following day, the pain didn't fully subside, but pulsated everywhere though I was with what was inside. Certainly, I was in the deep river of woes, and the only route was to go bottomless, to truly remember and be transformed completely. Thus, I immersed myself in this deepest pain, surrendering openly, annihilated away to no end. Despite the great distress, I allowed any attachments to form to come forth as I cut off my final physical self, in addition to withstanding the hurtful energy. Even looking at myself and seeing the mole on my lower cheek pierced profoundly in the morning. And what did I do? I kept staring at it in the mirror, while pain crushed and torched my tissues.

"I am doomed! I am doomed!"

Although the mole might be pre-skin cancer, even so, I had to fully confront, dissolving any thoughts, perceptions, connections, beliefs and so on relating to my looks and appearance. It was the only way to let it all go to zero, uprooting and incinerating them down to air.

Santi and I visited a small pet shop to get a tadpole and trapping snail for his pond, that day. He was happy and it was pleasant to spend time with him. It lessened the edge of agony, for brief moments.

During lunch, he repeated what Sean had said a couple days ago.

"You're not Shiva, Mommy. You are who you are," he said. "Shiva is dead."

Don't let anyone tell you who are. Not even Mommy or Daddy. Come to it yourself.

Unquestionably, his comments affected my entireness immensely, purest aches sneaked upon me roughly piling up, and I held myself in the kitchen, as if I was unspeakably wounded, where I had to sit against the cabinet, shedding no tears as they were none to be shed. It didn't matter what Santi or anyone said: I had to come to all of it alone. When he built his Legos, I headed up the steps to have some time.

Just briefly, I shut my eyes. Vishnu appeared in golden pants, with no shirt and wearing a golden head crown. Lately, I encountered him. We made love, though afterwards I'd go to Krishna to let him know he was the only God for me.

"I want Krishna," I said as tears filled my eyes, and kept flying upward, and it seemed he was Krishna. No matter how high I rocketed, I continued seeing the Divine God standing in purest, untouched white mist, as he was the highest - Absolute temple.

"The Goddess," I heard, recurrently. Instantly, I understood. It was when I was able to stand alone, that I was this itself. "The Goddess. The Goddess."

Then I made it all the way to the top, standing on the tip with one leg over my other leg. With my arms, I did some kind of dance. Suddenly I found myself lying on pure golden energy, inspecting it closely.

"So gold," I said in disbelief. Amid lying, I made an arrow shoot straight. Even though I was where I was reclining, I followed the weapon. It flew far; nonetheless I trailed the pointy thing. A big golden Buddha statue unfolded on the left. The arrow circled back, but it didn't wrap itself around me like before, with a string.

Then, elsewhere I saw myself observing a few wiggly worms in a flying pan. I fried and tossed them onto grounds for birds to eat.

"She's really letting go," Buddha said when he appeared.

I opened my eyes from meditation, covered with hollow feelings and lying on my bed, I switched on the TV. Recently, I had been watching travel documentaries of various countries. The documentary I viewed at the time was rural life in Nepal. It was relaxing to enjoy anything without thoughts, no before or behind: just pure watching, with no attachment.

Suddenly something transpired within.

"The Auspicious One," I heard.

I'm the Auspicious One. There's no doubt.

Within seconds, the pain I suffered gradually lowered. I wiped away my tears, deeply happy to have trust myself to arrive to my own truth.

I am always the Auspicious One.

Sean came home from work and interacted with Santi. I proceeded to relax on my bed, as I had no desire to engage in conversations with him. Not in this lifetime could he tell me who I was or where I was with myself, as I could do it all, and wanted no help from him or anyone. More and more, my confidence flourished to be unshaken and untouched.

He mentioned something about smelling 'death' in the house, and he was correct. 'I' was truly dying, and he smelled my decaying corpses.

In the evening, I stepped downstairs to have dinner. Everything within me was a shade lighter, in a way, serene, of making a courageous choice to rely on myself. After watching more travel videos, I slept easily. At sunrise, I was cheerier. The pain lessened, and I was able to admire Santi playing tennis, with some lightness.

Seeing Vishnu a few times in meditation, and then Rama brought insights. Even though Rama and Krishna were Vishnu's incarnations, they were still their own God, opening a pathway for me to have full acceptance of this lineage.

In the afternoon, I viewed more touristy videos with the curly hair boy. He got bored, so we watched one on fishing in the Mekong River. Momentarily of shutting my eyes, I found myself in front of a wall made of skeletons. They weren't white, but beige.

"I am no one, now," I said, feeling the skulls and bones. "I am no one at all, now."

Cries streamed past my cheeks. Deeply aware that in the last weeks I had gone through death and these were my carcasses. Leaving form was unimaginably the narrowest door to make through. Suddenly I was in white air with my black hair passing my shoulders. A razor sharp came to my grip, and I did the job of shaving until I was bald. Gradually, my body turned into that of a male monk of about forty-years-old, in yellow one-shoulder saffron attire.

I strolled on a road filled with porcelain light. A brown meditation bead manifested in my hand, and I rotated it.

"Final liberation," I heard.

Then I chanted, "Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

Soon I was elsewhere, sitting in vacant atmosphere, surrounded by Buddha, with his brilliant golden halo. He immediately recited:

"Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

During his recitation, utmost, unspeakable peace awakened. Truly touched, I nearly sob. Any pains that were left at that moment were washed away.

"Oh my gosh," I said, as peaceful energy flowed gently within.

"The Most Honored One," I heard him say, afterwards.

It was truly unbelievable what I came to, following the tremendous trials of transforming and remembering, as I died away from forms. I wasn't called the 'Enlightened One, the Truly Awakened One, the Perfect One or the Fully Enlightened One, now the Most Honored One', aiding my realization, instantly, that this must be "final." I plopped forward with sincerest joy. Whatever I'd undergone, in the last weeks were all worth it. The most precious gift I could ever bestow to Self was this gift of Enlightenment itself. This was the most precious, boundless Love.

Santi asked me to look at the fish a fisherman caught, I opened my eyes. He wanted to view a documentary on China. We browsed through clips before he found one that interested him. Later, I shut my eyes. This time, I was sitting on a rectangular bench in expanse of white haze. Another copy of myself came by, giving out white flowers. More kept coming to place pure floras next to my side and in my hand.

"Thank you, my love," I said.

After they vanished, I absorbed white fog with my hand, putting it in a vase, and made airy blossoms from it. Then I treaded elsewhere, with no known point. The light was clear.

"The most beautiful Goddess I have ever seen," I heard, bringing lightness within. I beamed.

"My Goddess," the Divine God uttered.

"Come be with me, my love," I said. He descended in his Godly form. He picked me up and carried me. Images of him and I making love surfaced in physical shape.

"We've already done that," I said. Another image of he and I came, when we were on a date. "We already have done that, too."

There was no wish to go do anything with him in that way, any longer.

"I don't want to go anywhere, or do anything. I just want to be here with you. Right here, right now. Is that okay?"

He continued carrying me.

"Where are we going?"

"Everywhere, anywhere, with you," he said. "Never apart."

"Do you know what's the best part of this?" I asked. He was quiet. "Is to be with you eternally. With us. It's my happiness."

"It's also my happiness," he said.

"You have me by the finger," I said, and swung my pinky to show it.

"You have me by the finger!" he said.

I opened my eyes.

In the morning, a flash occurred of standing in the middle of the street in a big city. People walked out of cafes and restaurants, and some strolled on sidewalks.

"It's me," I said, recognizing myself in all forms, faces, and races. "It's all me!"

Then I found myself with Krishna, embracing each other surpassing the vapors, formless. Though the painful energy diminished much more, I withstood the effects of them that prolonged. In my room, I'd be watching something on TV, and be with one any hurt, remembering that I created all, and was the cause of all causes. When Sean wanted to talk about where I was with myself, I'd tell him, "There's no need. I don't want to talk about it."

He wasn't the factor of my hurt and sufferings.

A couple of images transpired of holding a baby with blood dripping from its neck. This provoked my understanding at the moment I was close to abandoning everything I thought I was, and any aspects that remained.

When conversing to one of my friends relating life one afternoon, she mentioned she was happy to have friends who cared a great length about her, as she didn't trust many people. Her comments sprung a great realization, even more so, that I needed no one. Now that I had myself, everything was in the palm of my hand, and I wanted nothing at all. Buddha and Quan Yin were absolutely correct when they said, "When you have yourself, you have the world."

Amidst viewing TV, it occurred to me very often that Krishna was able to be everything because he wasn't serious. When one had no seriousness or attachment, one could be all, and had great enjoyment of his own being-ness.

In meditation, I was in a dark room, and saw Krishna's hand, about to blow his flute. A jellyfish (or something similar to it) with glow in it floated upward, and I trailed.

"I have come so far," I said. It kept glowing. "I have come so far."

The illuminating fish disappeared. I emerged out of the ocean with a catfish in my mouth that was almost dead, and saw many dead fish in water.

"I want nothing," I said. "I want nothing. I want nothing at all."

Heading away from water, I wasn't sure what to do with the dead ones filling the sea. Not remembering correctly, I might have burnt the ocean. Shortly, I sat under a small tree covered with green, healthy leaves, before strolling. Nothing was around, hence I played my flute amidst treading on air.

Krishna appeared, formless, playing his instrument along with me, although he was higher up. The flutes had sound, this time, and the melody was deeply in sync and harmonious, echoing far and wide. The sound was of the completeness of who I was. In me, there was nothing except sound. It seemed this was all I came down to: a sound - the sound of Love, of God, and of Oneness.

Recently, I had been spending time with a friend who I hadn't seen for a long period. Our children had grand times together. A few attachments emerged, one of which was not putting my son first, as I was busy helping her with her kids when we were on an outing at a zoo one day.

We were out of town, and I didn't drive my own car. We searched for restaurants we wanted to dine in. Moreover, Santi wouldn't normally eat when he was around other kids. He would often be distracted, so he had to wait to have his lunch while everyone ate. He was offered snacks I'd brought along, but he refused them. When asked if he was hungry, he didn't say. However, I knew him well. He regularly had lunch at that hour, and only preferred to eat macaroni and cheese, pizza, or turkey sandwiches. Surprisingly, he tried pho noodle soup when he witnessed other kids eating it and he was hungry. It was delightful to see him try something new.

At night, I couldn't sleep soundly, confronting old entanglements that were ignited. My late mom had always put me last, as I recalled. Often, when she invited her friends for lunch following church services, she would remind me to stay in my room. Despite how hungry I was, she would ask me to wait, or would yell at me for bothering her. Other people were more important than her children. It happened very frequently, so I was used to being treated that way. What I did with Santi incurred awareness of how I treated myself. The old wound still hurt, it needed to mend. In the morning, I apologized to him.

"You didn't go buy mac and cheese for me, Mommy," he said.

"I know. I am sorry, my love," I said, hugging him. "I am glad you tried new food, too. Did you like it? I am so proud of you."

After experiencing hurt and pain for couple of weeks, I was healing. If Sean came to say Shiva was dead, it wouldn't do anything, now that my confidence blossomed, to where nothing could take it away, and I was grateful for what took place.

The following night, I scratched myself all over, from mosquito bites. There were a couple of bumps on both legs and thighs; however, I wasn't convinced how I gotten three marks on one butt cheek and one on the other.

"I didn't wear shorts," I said, scratching. "How did they get in there?"

To see if the mosquitoes were flying, I surveyed my room, but there were none. In the morning, I continued itching walking to and from kitchen, cooking for Santi.

"How did the mosquitoes bite my butt? I didn't even wear shorts."

Immediately, a flash of Krishna came, I smiled.

"It has to be in the butt, Krishna! It has to be the butt!"

In meditation, Vishnu headed my way. After our intimacy, I said, "I love you, my love. You're my God."

When he vanished, I was by myself. Then Krishna came by, and we made love and I told him the same. The situation was harder when the Maintainer reappeared. I stood in the middle of both Gods.

"I love you, Vishnu," I said, then turned to Krishna. "I love you, Krishna. You're my God." Then I turned to Vishnu. "I love you. You're my God, Vishnu. You're my God, Krishna."

Going back and forth, I finally yelled:

"I am my own God! I am my own God! I am my own God!"

I opened my eyes and tried falling asleep. A major holiday was near. Everyone talked of their plans to celebrate. Mosquitoes occupied the air, after the rain with high humidity. People around me knew I couldn't and wouldn't hurt them, therefore they were cautious of harming the insects. My niece and nephews were surprised that I couldn't or wouldn't harm even the tiniest bugs.

A vision unfolded of traveling a wormhole, going at a faster speed than usual. On both sides there was Quan Yin, seating in lotus position in pure white energy.

"Quan Yin," I said. "Quan Yin. Quan Yin. Quan Yin."

Then golden Buddhas sat on each side as I journeyed onwards.

"Buddha," I said. "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha."

"The Enlightened One!" I heard. "The Exalted One! The Perfect One!"

Shortly, I shot from the portal into pure white light.

"The Most Honored One!"

Quan Yin was everywhere.

"Quan Yin," I said. "I am you and you are me."

"Yes," she said, descending.

She observed something, whereas I admired her closely of how truly beautiful and indescribable she was. I was in my shorts and sleeping t-shirt.

"I am free," I said.

"You are free," she confirmed.

The meditation scene changed to where I was walking a small, furry dog in the dim vacant cosmos, though it had a leash.

"Go," I said to the puppy, letting go of the rope with a realization that I needed to take off the collar on its neck. It was an indication that I had more of myself to understand, and peeling away anything that tied me. "You're free. You can do anything."

The little pup ran. I followed it, aiming to get a glimpse of how tight the collar was. It was a bit deep. A Bengal tiger walked by; I went to it.

"The fearless one," I said. "I am the fearless one."

I rode on its back. A trishul popped in my hand. More tigers appeared, and I petted them as I rode. King arrived, ringing himself on my neck, then Shiva manifested universally in the unfilled space. When he disappeared, King enlarged into a gigantic snake, hovering over the dark sky. I flew up to my serpent.

"You're my beloved snake," I said, and kissed its head before soaring higher, only to land on the same thing: purest white energy.

"The Goddess Shiva!" I heard.

The trident was still in my hand. A tree grew out of nowhere. I approached and sat under it.

"I am without desire," I said. "I am at peace. I am peace."

Elsewhere, I sighted many elephants. I rode on one. After dismounting, I strolled, although a lion came, tugging onto my leg. It was adorable, I beamed. Bengal tigers strode my way as I rubbed the lion's crown.

"The strong one," I said to the lion. The tiger came close, so I caressed its head and said, "The fearless one."

They vanished. I lifted myself and went somewhere. Quan Yin sat in midair. She dropped pink lotus petals on clear snowy surface. I gathered them and ate.

"I will eat them all, Quan Yin," I said. She left. Then I sat as the Goddess of Mercy in the air, wanting to cry, grasping how truly beautiful I was. Abruptly, I rocketed upward.

Shiva appeared behind me, as I sat. His eyes were closed, this time, and only half of him revealed. The multi-headed snake appeared to cover me as I closed my eyes in silence.

"The Purest One," I suddenly heard. "Gold Soul."

A trident flew to my grip, and I got up to walk. The weapon turned all white, and I kept observing it. It got smaller before it was a normal size. It changed into gold, shortly, though the spheres were pure, thick white. Momentarily, they switched to shapes akin to a cactus's head. They didn't seem like spheres.

"Maybe I don't need it," I said, and was going to leave it. A tree materialized ahead; I went to sit below and placed the trishul at my side. Nothing was around, and all was quiet. A love of Krishna emerged.

"Krishna," I said. He arose through spotless porcelain energy. I was deeply taken by his presence, keenly watching him coming my way.

"Do you always come when I call?" I asked.

"Always. You're my Soul," he answered, and then added, "God Soul."

We relaxed holding each other before I was somewhere alone, sitting. An Incredible Hulk was walking away and turned back, grinding his teeth, meaning that my anger was leaving, but wasn't too far gone and not as cheerful.

"Go in peace, my love," I said. He continued treading, yet was still big, taking over the clouds. "I am at peace now."

I threw the trishul to him. He caught it.

"Take it with you," I said.

"It's yours," he said, throwing the weapon of destruction back to me. "You were born with it! You are born of Shiva!"

This helped me remember more, understanding how I came about.

While having dinner at my sister's house, celebrating the holiday, I conversed with other family members. One of them expressed fear of going to purchase rice at a store located in an area considered not too safe. Many homeless, drug addicts, and possibly pimps, and prostitutes hung far and near the premises. Jokingly, I encouraged him to go and even shared my monetary donation to a homeless man when he approached, when I was there. Almost twice a month, I'd go to this particular store to purchase food and buy sticky rice to cook.

When we don't see ourselves differently from others, either living, or non-living, our love becomes boundless, that spreads far and wide to all. Everyone is truly our own Soul, our family, one another, and each other.

In meditation, I surrendered to Krishna. Subsequent our intimacy, I said, "I submit my all to you. I submit to you eternally, my love."

Often when he and I made love, everything was in us, as if we were invisible. Sometimes I'd see myself cutting a doll with a razor blade. The vision assisted my understanding that my form had reduced to just plastic. At times, the dolly morphed into a laughing Buddha. After I finished dissecting it in halves, on one occasion, many laughing Buddhas appeared.

In another vision, I'd see Krishna and I in pure, thick porcelain energy like clay, in the whitest atmosphere. After seeing this couple of times, I touched him, but he fell off, similar to ashes. Then, nothing was there.

In my daily life, I'd turn things into jokes, lightness or found them to be funny or non-serious. When one of my longtime friends complained of her dissatisfying marriage, I'd giggle every now and then. The way she spoke of it, her tone of voice with wide eyes was also comical. When Sean gave me money, I would give it back to him.

"I don't want it," I said.

There was really no desire for anything, just living and breathing. It was without question that I narrow to utmost simplicity. Even reading over math directions to help Santi confused me. This was a first grader's comprehension, but I had to ask Sean to explain the simplest instructions to our son. Deeply, there was nothing in me, only consciousness that was breathing. Never did I realize how truly free it was to be completely conscious, without desire and deeply aware.

A flash befell of me as a leopard running in an untouched light until I changed back to myself and soared into the sky.

"I am it!" I shouted. "I am it! I am so it! This is the ultimate of liberation and freedom."

Then I sat in a lotus posture, deeply calm. A tune arisen; either 'hum, hmm, or hooo.' This sound had come to me before, though I wasn't sure what it was, then, so I sang it.

"Hmm. Hmm. Hum. Hum."

Like a child, I got up beaming, skipped, and sang, "Hmm, Hum, Hum."

Realizing I was inside Krishna's energy. The only God that contained my core vastly was he. He took form and immediately lifted me. We sang "Hum" together.

"Do you like it?" he asked.

"Like it?" I said. "I love it!"

"This is our sound, now," he shared: the sound of Oneness; the sound of God.

"It's the most beautiful sound," I commented. "You have completely waited."

"I'd wait for all eternity for you," he said. "You're my wife. My Goddess."

"And you're my God," I said, putting my head on his shoulder. To be with Krishna, in this love and this love itself, was true salvation: energy that was love, and always in love.

Suddenly he disappeared into me whereas I sat quietly with eyes shut in silence. I was God and Goddess together, as one: the male and female, yin and yang.

"God," instantly I was hearing.

I sped higher and bopped inside the vacant space, performing different dances while Krishna was in me, doing the same thing. Momentarily, I made approximately ten of myself manifest to jazz with. I manifested in diverse forms: black, white, Hispanic, Asian, and so on, boogying together. Unexpectedly, I was an exceptional dancer. With my trishul, I spun and twirled, rolling it over my back. It was now all gold. Afterwards, I was somewhere, standing beneath a night sky covered with twinkling, lively stars.

However, my form was Shiva. I was muscular, in a tiger covering with king cobras around my neck and on both of my arms. My hair was matted, and a white crescent moon sat on it. Then I scratched my butt where the mosquitoes had bitten me.

In the form of Destroyer, I strode in empty darkness until I sat wherever unknown. Soon I was in my own form, sitting calmly as male and female, together.

"The Great Shiva!" I suddenly heard. Then my physique switched to Shiva, and I was sitting as both God and Goddess, in one. I stood up, heading aimlessly in emptiness. A tree appeared just a short distance ahead, and I went to sit below it. I was deeply serene. Golden Buddha displayed throughout.

"Namo tassa bhagavarto arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavarto arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavarto arahato samma sambuddhassa."

"La is La," I said. "Shiva is Shiva. One."

I soared into the void in my own shape.

"The All Powerful One," I heard. I opened my eyes.

It was summer, many of my friends and family members were going on vacation. They asked if I was going, but my response was same to all: "No. We don't have money."

Some were surprised that I hadn't been on a holiday for many years. Sean hadn't been on one for even longer. There was no real desire, as I could have everything in front of me, though it would be lovely to go for a little family getaway.

It had been a long time since I'd purchased new clothes. Most of my attires were old, though I deeply and truly appreciated them unlike before, when I always had bought new, expensive outfits to wear. The enjoyment of here and now: the sun, the gentle breeze, my own breath, watching Santi and his friends and cousins playing, was priceless and joyfully liberating, having nothing and wanting nothing, at all.

More and more, I was much accepting of the mole on the lower side of my cheek and wasn't as shy about it. I was happy to have it and loved it unconditionally, like everything else. In addition, though I noticed when bugs died or when children killed them, I wasn't as upset, although my immeasurable compassion for living things was there, untouched. Even more, I was embracing of how all things choose to go or transform.

After undergoing the immense transformation for many weeks, it disrupted my body to where I bled between menses and had to go see a doctor to rule out nothing else was happening. My weight plummeted, as well. Once everything slowed down, I understood clearer regarding what was transpiring internally. Now you could say I was "it" in every way: Self, wanting nothing and needing or anyone's help. It was salvation, liberation and complete enlightenment.

In meditation, I strolled on air, dressed like a geisha, and approached nearby water and ripped away my form akin to peeling off a mask. I became formless and unseen, afterwards. Lately, I encountered Vishnu. We made love in our serpent. The large snake was alive.

One morning, I had to go get a blood test my doctor ordered. The phlebotomist used a regular needle to draw, and I didn't request for him to use a smaller one. Inside, I wasn't disturbed. Pain and suffering and non-pain and non-suffering became one and the same.

During another doctor's visit, he informed me he didn't like reviewing other doctor's tests with his patients due to any inconsistencies of information they might tell them. He didn't want to cause any unnecessary stress. After hearing him, it deepened my understanding that there was no stress or stress in me. Even if there was, I was fine with it.

Stress could help us be creative, enhancing our lives by helping us to slow down and be with our breathing, taking things day by day. Helping us to remember, grow and be more conscious and aware of ourselves.

He told me to 'think' positively after saying that there might be another cyst developing when we learned of similar symptoms to ones I'd had. 'Think' became foreign, as I didn't 'think', and had not much thought.

At night, Santi told Sean he wanted to watch a show about big star on TV. He was excited from what he'd learned in class. When the film on cosmos played, and it was 'black hole,' my eyes instantly sparkled.

"That's mine," I said, deeply peaceful once I mentioned this. "That's my baby, my star. It's my life and death. My beginning and ending."

I am this black hole itself.

In meditation, I treaded in an alley before finding myself emerged from water falls, with a fish in my mouth, like a grizzly bear. Then rain poured. Standing motionless, I was drenched. I let loose the angle.

"I don't want anything," I said, watching water shooting downwards. "I don't want anything. I want no more. I am done. I am done. I want nothing."

Next, I sped into the firmament, without form, only conscious energy repeating as if it became another mantra:

"I want nothing. There's no more. There's no more. I don't want anything. I am done. I am done. Final."

As I ascended, Quan Yin sat in a meditation posture with her palm up. Formless, I kept going and reciting. In the same way, Buddha appeared with his palm raised, while I proceeded.

The trishul flew to hand, and I held it close to my heart.

"My beloved," I said, closing my eyes.

Suddenly I stood, observing countless drums. After choosing one, I made my way above. Then I encountered Shiva in calmness with his palm opened. My energy flowed into him like air going into a hole.

"I don't want anything. There's no more. I want nothing. I am done. I am done."

"Then it is done!" he said while I was inside him. "You're my extension."

"Yes, I am," I said. "I am your extension and you're mine."

In the God of Destruction's form, I multiplied skyward like steps.

Next, I flourished from aqua with long dead snakes on my neck and arms. Instead of Shiva's yogi form, I was in his warrior body, muscular and wearing a tiger covering as my skirt and holding a trishul with a drum hung on it. An egg appeared, and I cracked it and the yolk dropped on the snake's body. However, I picked up the slimy clear yellow thing and ate it.

"I don't even know what I'm eating," I said. "I just eat."

I stood and strolled, and recognized it was the same area I had been to, but was now heading the opposite direction.

"Maybe it's for health," I said about the egg. "Maybe it's not. Who cares if it is or is not."

Up in the air, in my formlessness observing Shiva, I said, "Oh my God. He is me. He is so me."

Sean and the little boy had another discussion on cosmos subsequent evening following dinner. I skipped downstairs and joined in their conversation on black holes. Sean asked why I was keened.

"It's me," I said smiling. I love it so much.

Last year, I was often inside it. An image of swirling energy in space arose. Shiva sat in meditation at the center of it. I dove into the black hole. It ground my physical to nothing, and I became invisible.

"I can be crumbled," I said as my body was getting crushed, and when I was formless again, I said, "And I cannot be crumbled."

During my nightly walk, I pondered over what I'd endured in recent weeks. There wasn't any word to verbalize the severity of the transformations. Verses I used as descriptions didn't fully justify of how incredible they were. It seemed that only a God was able to do this: it was truly unbelievable and nearly impossible in every way.

Lately, Krishna hadn't appeared. When he did reveal once, I surrendered. It seemed to be the only thing I could do: surrendering myself in all ways.

One night I dreamt that the neighbors entered the house and took everything we owned, leaving only a few things. Their actions surprised me, and couldn't believe they intruded. When they left, I hurriedly to investigate what was that they didn't take. Then, when our family was away, I returned home and caught other people taking belongings out of the house. Again, I was livid, went to the next-door neighbor, and asked to use his phone to contact the police. However, when the officer answered my call and learned of the situation, it didn't seem like a big deal to him. I went back inside and demanded for the people to leave, but a man pointed a gun to my head. Though I was scared, I didn't move or make a sound.

The dreams assisted my understanding that parts of me were still crying and grieving over forms.

In another dream, I was at an old high school about to head out, but orders from students arrived, so I headed back in to see if my purchases came. When I spotted my name with the things I'd bought (though I did not recall purchasing anything), I sat in front of them. However, two items were already opened, and someone had eaten those assorted snacks. Upset, I spoke with the principal if she could get me new ones. Another ordered item was in a location not far. Many things were hung when I glanced in that direction, and they shined and shimmered.

Then someone flaunted his or her order of a gold watch. Mine was similar to hers, but it wasn't yet put together: just sets of the watch's hand needles.

Santi barged into my room and woke me up early. Fortunately, he went back to sleep, I meditated. The Destroyer appeared, sitting in the cosmos with his palm opened. My form was Shiva, when I observed myself. Strangely, I was at the same high school. Someone approached to give my orders, but I refused them this time. The ones I hadn't seen, I gave them away; plus whatever I had.

"I don't want them," I said. "It's all for you, my love."

Then I was at the house, giving everything, I ever owned to the neighbors and anyone who wanted them, until the inside was empty.

"I don't want anything," I said. "I want nothing at all. There's no desire in me, only simplicity and great silence."

A trishul appeared, and I put it close to my heart.

"My love," I mumbled. It seemed I truly had nothing at all except the great trident. Then I recalled what Krishna said approximately six months ago. He conveyed he didn't want or need anything because he was already all of 'it'.

Later, I cracked an egg that was already boiled to eat. More cooked eggs appeared, and I broke them.

Shortly I found myself outside a metal cage, looking at tigers. A dragon was there; not too mature. I rubbed its wings.

"When you're all grown, you need no one; nothing," I said to it, and realized I was telling this to myself. "You're your own. You need no help from anyone."

The cage was high and wide. I entered inside and massaged the tigers' heads. In a moment, the rest vanished except for one big one.

"The Fearless One," I said, and rubbing it. "Do you want to leave? Open the cage!"

The cage didn't diminish, but a metal door unlocked. The Fearless One was released. I smiled. In the air, I rode on the mighty cat, carrying my powerful weapon, then my drum and other items manifested. Then, I stood on the fearless creature and did different dances as it walked.

"I am everything!" I shouted. "I am everything! I am All! I am it! I am free!"

Next, I observed a thin boy by the river without a shirt watching other boys swimming and having exciting times in water. He wasn't afraid, in spite that he kept spectating, not jumping in. The young ones in water caught a large fish, though it was only plastic.

"Come on!" I said to the lad and lifted him. We plunged, but it became bottomless haze. I hung on a grape vine as I carried him in my arms. Soon, I let loose.

"Why did you let go of the vine?" he asked.

"I don't need it," I said. We fell deep into endless hole, though the youngster vanished, and I witnessed the mighty dragon gliding in the sky. "You have grown fast!"

Some sort of electric current in indistinct atmosphere displayed, and I headed to touch it. Then electricity shot from my open palm, as I sat as Shiva.

"I want my frequency to spread far and wide," I said. "I am the greatest Destroyer in this entirety."

Universally, I witnessed my frequency spread. The mantra 'Aum Namah Shivaya' suddenly played, and I sang. The tune wasn't loud; just right. I kept singing amidst strolling in the hollow cosmos before I encountered a golden green Buddha, reclining.

"I am so gold," I said, observing the figure closely. "I am so gold."

The back of the statue was carved inwards. Inside it were a pen and an unwritten notebook. Holding the book and pen, I didn't write anything, and left it blank. There was no more.

Quickly, I launched into unfilled space, shouting: "I am alive! I am alive!"

Not long after, I missed Krishna, as he hadn't showed often. I went to sit on the bench filled with white light; the same place. He didn't come, but I was in his energy. In the last month, I had been going through death, and now it was as if I was born again, stronger, with untouched assurance and strength.

Santi and I drove to a grocery store one midmorning. With a soft smile on my face, I said, "I made it. I completely have made it."

An image of Krishna developed as I lay in bed in the late afternoon. He hugged me, as he was showing how proud he was that I'd 'made it'.

"You're the greatest," he said, touching my chin. "My Soul."

Departing from final physical form was undoubtedly next to impossible, though now I was truly light. The following daylight, the curly hair one rushed to my bed, I woke. He ended sleeping in. I meditated after hearing the same song repeatedly, in my head.

"What is it?" I whispered.

Abruptly, I was in front of an old house in the dark, examining poles with wigs.

"Let's burn them," I said. "I have no need for this."

There were more in the arena, and I gathered all, torching them to ruins before incinerating the whole surrounding. Nothing was left. Now that my last five forms were gone, the wigs needed to be also. Soon, I flew into crystal, spotless atmosphere.

"There's no more of me," I said. "There's no more of me, at all."

Nonetheless, I rose from sea water with a fish dangling in my mouth. I cooked and ate it, just the bones remained. A cat appeared, eating the rest. Momentarily I gestured with my hand to fill the ocean shore with various sorts of trees and bushes, and adding golden light into the air. I had been to this side of the ocean plenty of times with Krishna, so I took myself to the other shore, which I had been to, as well. Then I lay in the middle of the vast sea, absorbing the ocean in my hand, and it transformed to thin mist.

"There are no sides to me," I whispered. "I have no sides."

In a moment, I sailed above and saw vibrant light, though I kept heading higher, hearing: "Goddess. Goddess."

Finally, I landed. Krishna showed from behind, making me beam. Someone banged on a big golden bell, sounded like a celebration.

He saw me observing the radiance, akin to a brilliant sun.

"It's all yours," he said, meaning the entirety. Then I dropped on my back. The same tune began ("Hmm...hum or hoo"; I wasn't too sure) and I hummed with it. Then I just let the sound play. The whole entirety contained this perfect melody.

"Our sound," I said to Krishna as he lay watching me.

"It's the most beautiful sound," he said. "You did it again."

Then we strode, Krishna took out something from his pocket and licked it.

"What's that?" I asked, and grabbed it from his hand. It was green hard candy on a stick, in a square shape. "Let me have some."

"It's sweetness," I commented, once I tasted it. We shared the sweetness back and forth.

"It's sweetness," he said. "It's eternally sweet, and never goes away."

Suddenly we were bordered by those lime candies in cube shapes, stacked from top to bottom. In the morning, I continued seeing this vision of Krishna and I sharing the sweetness.

Then I dragged the candy from the stick, and we shared it during our kiss. Abruptly, I was among them. In another scene, I continued burning wigs, as there were countless. Sometimes images of sharp blades in my mouth transpired, and I'd hauled them off one by one. Other times, I'd see them in plastic tiny bags, and I'd toss them away.

"I have no need for it," I said. It looked as if I was wrapping things up like before.

More and more, the desire in me was close to being gone. There wasn't much inside except that I was just flowing air, invisible and thoughtless. One evening a friend invited me to go out of town, just to get a break from the urban we lived in. I didn't give her definite answers; however, everywhere and anywhere was the same, as there was no inside and outside any longer. Everywhere and anywhere was home, everyone and anyone I interacted with was no other than Self.

One thing I pondered on was whether I wanted to come back another lifetime, since there was no desire. This lifetime could really be my last, if I chose for it to be. At the same instance, I didn't want to make decision amidst undergoing transformations. The energy that had been persisting was still there, though not fully, about being on my own, no could tell who I was anymore, as I was "it." In addition, as I had gone through many changes and came to remember, Shiva wasn't one force, but all forces: the great Destroyer, Maintainer and Creator, as well upholding the entire Universe.

"I am all," I whispered, completely and truly.

However, never did I realize how freeing it was to be without desire, at all; as I could have everything where I was here and now.

On sunny, breezy summer afternoon, I sat on the porch delighting in the wonderful weather. The little guy wanted to be inside with a new robot toy he just got. The kids didn't really use the bug catcher this year, not like last year, when they fought over the ones we had. This year, I purchased three in different colors: yellow, blue and purple.

A few moths and couple of monarch butterflies glided freely in the yard. I headed inside the garage to get one of the nets to catch. Santi changed his mind, coming outside, trying to chase the flying bugs with me. He caught a white moth and we placed it in the bug container. We planned to release them, after capturing at least five. One moth sailed by, and I chased. It got away. When the white flabby wings flew near again, I raced quickly after. It soared off over the roof of the house and I shouted.

"Krishna! Krishna! My love! My love!"

He got away. Krishna would do and be everything and anything for love. Then I sat on a white swing, waiting for the blue God to come by. The truth with formlessness and unseen was that I could see the invisible, as I was one. Krishna would always let me know if he was doing something. The thought of him would purely, instantly surface. Nothing was hidden, after I emptied everything out.

Moreover, our goldfish seemed to be dying, as it lay low at the bottom of the fishbowl. Watching it nearly breathing, the indescribable, immeasurable compassion inside me arose. Living and non-living things was my Soul. As it was suffering, I, too, suffered.

"Oh, my love," I said, wanting to cry, standing there watching it one evening.

A couple of days onward, it was in a same shape, thus I read concerning what might be wrong. The internet suggested it might need a bigger space, had indigestion issue, or other things might be the issues. Santi and I visited a pet center to ask a staff member who had knowledge of fish.

"We have to take good care of our pets, buddy," I said on our way. "We love our pets."

"It also loves us," he said. "We choose it and it chooses us."

"We choose each other," I added quietly.

She shared the same information we'd read on the internet. When Sean was told we were going to buy another aquarium in order for the gold fish to have more room, though he ranted on not wanting to pay for additional tank, for the fish he'd bought for less than $2.00.

"It doesn't matter how much it is!" I said, as my love had no price tag, and no difference at all towards anything or anyone. "It needs us to take good care of it."

He finally agreed. At home, I assembled the aquarium on my own, instead of waiting for him to come home to do it. Within, I was still healing, recovering from what I went through.

"Just wait a bit, little guy," I said. "Hang in there."

The following morning, the fish was gone. Santi was sad, and I was, too. He started blaming me for not buying the fish tank earlier, to save its life.

"It chooses to go this way, my love," I said, and hugged him. "It's gone to be something else now. Nothing dies, it only transforms."

"Maybe a rabbit," he said. "Maybe a bird."

"Maybe, my love. Whatever it chooses," I said. "It was a great pet for us. We appreciated it."

Though Sean and I talked here and there, I wasn't the same way with him. After all, everything had transformed in me.

A particular morning, I had to help Santi practice writing numbers. He was encouraged to do on his own, after he had done it many times independently. It was the same to get him to do anything relating to his education. It took a long time before he sat at the table to write. While he was supposed to be writing, I cleaned the house and then checked on him ten minutes later. He wrote numbers on couple of lines, then skipped many to pen the rest. It made me furious after he was asked to write neatly, and I'd taught him, for many months, to mark on lines.

In a moment, I texted Sean and yelled at him for not being consistent with teaching Santi, and the energy inside me amplified and burned. To get Santi to do homework was parallel to getting my tooth pulled at a dentist's office. He was asked again to jot carefully on each line on the paper. He erased ones that were off, and I carried on tidying the house before reviewing what he had completed. He didn't do anything different, jotted the same numbers on off lines he had written.

It thrusted me to the edge, and I screamed at him and flung the pencil across the kitchen table. This scared him. He cried and apologized.

"What the fuck don't you understand?" I shouted. "You were shown so many times, and in so many ways, how to do this!"

Then I furiously crumbled the sheet and got brand new one to demonstrate to him once more how to write on the lines.

"Do it again!"

I ran upstairs, called Sean, and started really yelling at him. Cuss words fired at him like there was no tomorrow. Then I sat for a few minutes to calm, realizing that something was going on with me. When settled just a tint, I descended the stairs to check on Santi. He was doing it correctly this time. I sat on the sofa to let him finish, but he conveyed he needed a break after penning to number 20. He came to rest on my lap, and I apologized.

"Did I scare you, my love?" I asked. "Something is going on with Mommy, okay?"

He nodded to tell my actions made him afraid, and begged me not to yell.

"You don't love me when you do that, Mommy," he said.

"I love you even if I yell," I said. "I always love you. You're my son, my baby. Did I make you feel stupid?"

He began to sob and nodded.

"I make mistakes," he said.

"It's okay to make mistakes. You can learn from them. It's okay to feel stupid, angry, sad, and happy. It's okay to feel anything. Don't be afraid of your feelings, okay? They are feelings, they don't last."

As I was holding the little boy, it pierced to see him affected by my actions. There was no doubt that he chose to go through this with me. We all choose our paths, and write our own scripts. When he was ready to understand this, I'd be with him, to help him understand himself through the choices he made. I could only give him what he needed to develop into who he was. Shiva was right when he informed me of my mother's hurtful actions, as I grew up in a highly tumultuous environment.

Santi returned to finish his project. He was commended for his efforts. One thing with him was that he was very bright, though more so, he was emotionally intelligent and perceptive for his age. It didn't greatly matter if he could write, add, or speak perfectly. It was important that he had insights, awareness into himself and put forth great effort into his doing. The truth regarding feelings were that when we didn't prefer certain emotions over the other, they became one and the same; our being-ness. Emotions give us unique experiences of ourselves, helping us remember and grow. The more mindful, aware, and understanding we are of ourselves, the more we are open to experience life in full capacity, choosing to embrace existence as it comes, and welcoming the moment exactly as it arrives.

Ten minutes later, I heard a garage door open. Sean came home, telling me he had to 'save' his son from my wrath. This was the second time he'd returned from work to do this. Last occurrence was a couple of years ago, when he said he could greatly feel my energy all the way to where he was employed.

"Shiva is fucking powerful!" he said then.

He asked what was going on with me, but he was told to stay away and that it wasn't any of his business. I was now all on my own. Again, no one could tell me who I was, or where I was with myself. I was the sole Authority. He was to know why I was angry and directing my anger towards him.

"I am not angry at you," I said. "I'm angry at myself. It has nothing to do with anyone."

Energy recklessly surged and grinded my bones; I sat on the chair, saying: "Only I can do it. Only I can do it. It's all me, now. I can do it."

It looked as though I needed to meditate to gain deeper clarity of what was taking place. When Santi finished eating, I headed upstairs and closed my eyes. Immediately, I was inside hollow dim light on my knees, yelling.

"Krishna! Krishna! Krishna! I don't know if I can do it! I don't know if I can do it!"

An image of him far away, holding his flute, emerged, whereas I continued screaming his name. The energy within awakened full blown, possessing my entirety, and I shouted as he watched.

"Help me! Help me! Help me! I can do it! I can do it! I don't his help. I can do it all on my own!"

Momentarily, I was lying on some dirt. I grabbed it and observed the dust.

"These are my ashes," I whispered. "These are my ruins. They are my ashes. I died! I died! I had died! Krishna! Krishna! I died. I died. I had died!"

An image of outside the old apartment befell, and saw myself burning wigs. That was the only thing that was left, as everything else was gone. A white horse galloped my way, although I wasn't sure if someone was on it. Then I rode in darkness, heading elsewhere.

"This is your last liberation," I heard.

Shortly, I surfaced from the sea with a swimming creature in my mouth and sat on top of water. The sun shone softly. Momentarily, I heard this was the "ultimate." It started raining, although on my left side was pure white immaculate energy, and a bright light radiated its infinite rays behind it.

"It's my consciousness," I said instantly, and softened in disbelief over how truly indescribable it was. "This is my consciousness."

I stumbled on my face and cried tears of joy. Krishna appeared, observing the spotless, perfect air.

"It is the purest of consciousness," he said, looking at me. "The most perfect."

Suddenly he and I stood on porcelain vapors. A big white airplane was parked. The Divine God was sucking on something. He showcased a square, glistening golden candy on a stick. It attracted me, but I didn't take it from his hand this time; however, I wasn't definite if he put the sweetness in my mouth so I could have a taste. Witnessing this only signified that there were more transformations to go through. At this point, I was still worn out and depleted.

We boarded the aircraft, with at least ten passengers behind us. I turned around, reaching out my hand, making them disappear, including Krishna, but now I was in his complete, untouched golden force and he was consciously there, without form. He watched whereas I stared off, unsure of how I could go on anymore with remembering, facing and transforming. The last six months after my birth was revealed, it was non-stopping. The doors to being completely liberated were truly and unimaginably the thinnest.

"My love," he said touching my chin, though I proceeded to sit quietly. "My Goddess."

I uncovered my eyes. Whereas resting on my bed, reflecting, I was grateful for Sean and Santi for being with me. Moreover, deeply within my Soul, I was immeasurably grateful for my late mom, and wanted to weep cries of deepest happiness and appreciation. The challenges, difficulties, the anger, the hatred, and everything and anything truly gave me strengths to come to my own fearlessness, love and compassion.

Another flash ensued abruptly. The Incredible Hulk was in vicinity, but I turned away. It didn't seem to matter if he was there or not. It looked as if I was finished with it, and had no more desire.

In a moment, I stepped down the stairs to apologize to Sean before he and our son left to go meet Santi's grandmother for lunch. After my exercise, I attended another appointment for a yearly mammogram. My shoulder had been hurting and the pain didn't go away. The throbbing would wake me at night when I tossed to a different side of the bed, to where I had to take aspirin for relief.

During the examination, I was asked to hold my breath. Surprisingly, once I did, I noticed there was no difference, with my breathing and not breathing. It aided my awareness that my outside and inside had no distinction. Life and death became one and the same. All that I was - was this purest of consciousness and awareness itself.

Following this, I ventured to a grocery market. An image of Krishna, watching as I sat silently on the airplane, surfaced.

"You're my Soul," he said as I was staring motionlessly, not for certain how I could proceed. "You can do this."

At night, Santi was keened to sleep in my bedroom, with me. His excuse was that he didn't feel good; his tummy continued to ache. It amused me. His action was undoubtedly adorable.

"I am sorry, Mommy," he said.

"About what?" I asked. "Do you still feel bad about what happened?"

"About homework," he shared.

"It's okay, my love. I am sorry, too," I said.

"You're my favorite," he said.

"And you're mine," I replied. "My most favorite, favorite in the whole wide world."

He was tickled, and laughed hysterically and tried to tickle me back. He spoke about what he wanted to do the next day and asked me to check the weather on my phone. He shared what he liked at the Japanese gardens we'd visited, saying that he enjoyed waterfalls and streams brushing along the quiet paths over pebbles encircled by small bushes and trees.

Then he asked, "What do you think about, Mommy? What are your plans for tomorrow?"

"I don't think about anything, my love. I don't have any plans," I replied. "Mommy is just here, now."

After he fell asleep, a flash arose of watching the immaculate, untouched water. Buddha appeared in the open space, sitting with his palm uncovered and raised.

"So clear," I said, and touched it. "This is the clearest water."

Then I submerged and swam through the flawless and stainless liquid. When it poured; I peered into the sky, letting myself get drenched, cleansing. When I was all wet, I dove in again and swam. The aquatic was the clearest I had ever witnessed.

In the morning, I woke early. My shoulder ached all night, if I moved. Krishna appeared during my eyes were shut. We made love.

"I can only give myself to you, my love," I said.

"And I give my all to you," he said.

"You are all energy," I said, touching his perfect golden air and realizing this was where I would be or already was: this untouched, golden, purest consciousness.

Shortly an image of he and I sharing the golden sweet came to me, signifying I was going for it.

"You are truly the purest one," he said. "Supremely pure."

This was the first time he had used this word 'supreme' to describe me.

However recently I encountered Vishnu, and on one occasion after our intimacy, I saw myself sitting in a huge lotus emerging from ultra-white light.

"I'm born out of you," I said.

"And I'm born out of you," he said. Even though I hadn't seen Krishna lately, but he was everywhere unseen. Despite this, I'd miss him. A particular evening amidst taking stroll through the neighboring blocks, a black car drove by with four big shiny wheels making it look like a truck. I laughed with my hand covering my mouth. It was indeed the Divine God. He was everywhere, as everyone and anything.

Currently, I'd been facing ties, anything at all (any attachments, thoughts, perceptions, ideas, and so forth). One of which was not wanting to lose my friend's trust.

The situation was: I informed my friend, who returned from her summer vacation, that my other friend wasn't giving responsibilities to her kids so they could help her out, while she had many. When spending times together, I'd encourage my friend to assign duties to older children in order to assist her care for the little ones and so the older ones could learn responsibility. That day when we were together by the small neighborhood pond that had a little lake nearby, when my friend was about to leave, she designated her older children with tasks, to aid her carry bags and other things. My other friend, who witnessed this after I informed her the day before, looked at me as if I'd shared false information with her (or that was how I took it). A reaction occurred, regarding this. The feeling fearing losing my friend's trust and not appearing to be a liar was there.

When I was home, I sat in my bed and allowed emotions to flow as I watched mindfully with awareness and cognizant of my thoughts and views chained to this particular situation. If I was to lose a friend, then I was to lose a friend. The effort of trying to appear good and gaining a friend's faith needed to be confronted fully. The conditioning wasn't deep; it didn't take long before everything was clear.

During my evening trek though, I wasn't firm how to share myself with others, and was at a lost on how to proceed. Periodically for a couple of weeks images developed of clear plastic tied around each razor blade. There were countless that I sat on top of those sharp objects in the dark, as if they were a mountain.

"I have no need for it," I said to Krishna upon his arrival.

"Give it away," he suggested. Razor blades symbolized my wisdom, tools, and insights I used to dissect and cut myself apart, to see clearly conditions, thoughts, senses, viewpoints, attachments, desires, both learned and taught, that needed to be faced, mindful and aware of, and understanding of their causes and so on.

"I don't know how to give to others," I said.

"It will come naturally," he consoled. "I am with you all the way."

Another flash happened before I fell asleep. Inside the universe, I stood next to Vishnu, holding the globe as he reclined.

"I am so invisible," I said, wanting to cry, as I already had lost my form. "I am this entirety."

He left, and I continued carrying the universe, observing it in my hand and reclining as the Maintainer. Upon his return, we became intimate.

"I love you," I said afterwards. "I'm yours."

"You are truly the purest," he said, feeling my chin. "The purest one I ever had. My Goddess."

Suddenly I was elsewhere, treading and couldn't believe the Maintainer said what he did, similar to a man saying to a woman, "you're the best I ever had" after a night with her. I arrived in front of Buddha, who was stationing in flawless air, with a pink lotus flower in his hand. Immediately, I sat in front of him.

"The Enlightened One," he said.

"Yes, I am, my love," I said, and bowed.

"The Perfect One," he continued. Again, I bowed, acknowledging it. He offered the lotus, and I took it. He gave more, at least eight or ten.

"Thank you," I said with a bow.

"Eat it," he said, and I began picking lotus petals individually, to eat. After I ate them, I was elsewhere watching quiet streams flowing, as I was Shiva, and the streams were just energy.

Moreover, for a few days on and off, I noticed the sadness, with an understanding I was still leaving my last form and going through the final death. The Buddhist chant "Buddham sharanam gachchami" emerged every now and then, fitting for my situation, helping me grasp deeper the inward occurrence.

In the morning after working on this memoir, I used the restroom, then saw the mole on the lower side of my cheek in a mirror. It had bled a bit. I must have scratched it during sleep. It seemed it had gotten bigger. This induced agony relating to my appearance, and I allowed the energy of this conditioning burned.

"I need to face any attachment left," I said, coming to my room, although the energy became intense, boiling fiercely, spiking to where I couldn't do anything and needed to be with it totally. I went to lie on my bed.

"Oh my gosh," I said as it peaked unbearably, torching within, and I pressed my hand over my chest.

Quickly, I closed my eyes, permitting it to come full blown; however, a vision materialized of standing inside a hall in front of large Buddha. He wore dark maroon monk outfit before we were in pure, white energy. In a moment, I fell on my knees before lying flat in front of him, hurt, as he sat, though everything was shaky. The top part of Buddha moved back and forth, as well as the bottom, as if they were pieces of a puzzle which hadn't been assembled completely.

Immediately, I heard redundantly, as if it was a chant: "The Holy One. The Enlightened One. The Perfect One."

"Buddha. Buddha. Buddha. I am scared. I am scared," I said repeatedly looking at him, as if I wanted his help in some way.

"The Holy One. The Enlightened One. The Perfect One."

"Buddha," I proceeded to say. "I lost everything. I lost everything. I lost everything."

"The Holy One. The Enlightened One. The Perfect One," the mantra continued, as my head was down. Another copy of myself appeared, formless, standing next to Buddha, invoking a realization at the moment that I was deeply selfless, invisible and held the golden trishul. This was the ultimate, the final death of "I."

"I am so scared," I said, shaking a shade within. There really was no more 'me'.

Slowly I stood up, heading to sit as Buddha, with my hand in front of my chest. Meanwhile, the chant proceeded. Heading elsewhere, carrying the immaculate golden weapon of destruction, I was now all golden flowing light. A golden throne with illuminating golden energy circling it was directly ahead, and I went to sit on it.

"You are the Universe," I heard, when I sat. "The All."

"I am," I said. "I am everything. I am all. I am everything and I am nothing. All."

Amid treading on clearest light, I encountered Buddha. He was all energy, so I sat as he, formless. Then, there was no shakiness. Everything was silence, all put together, whole.

"God," I heard.

Again, I walked aimlessly, my shape had transformed into Shiva, and I stood tall, all muscles, but with a porcelain complexion. The wind blew gently, brushing on my locks with the crescent white moon stationing on top of it. Many Shivas appeared in the vacant, dim sky, sitting with their palms up. The mantra "Aum Namah Shivaya," suddenly played. I sang along.

"The Purest One!" I heard momentarily.

"Yes! I am!" I shouted, flying into the hollow atmosphere.

With the trishul, and now in my own form, I headed towards Buddha as he sat underneath a big tree with many monks gathering in front of him, bowing and chanting. When I came close, I bowed just like the monks. Shortly, I got up, heading to sit as Buddha. The energy inside me churned and burned and gradually, greatly intensified during it.

"Krishna, Krishna," I said.

"I am with you, my love. You are my Soul," he said. "Go through it."

"The Enlightened One," the monks all said together with a bow, and recited something like 'hmm or hum' before saying, "The Holy One," followed by making this sound and a bow before saying, "The Perfect One," then chanting and bowing. "The Ultimate One."

The mantra from them was continuous as I sat in deep stillness. Then I got up, marching elsewhere. My physique transformed to Shiva, carrying the shiny golden weapon. Suddenly my physical was gone, as if I'd become just energy in a crystal ball in beaming light the size of a golf ball. I flew straight, until I quickly dispersed into nothingness. Everything became truly, immaculately crystal clear. The light radiated above the transparent energy.

Then I was lying on my back, and when I glanced into the translucent sky, Vishnu appeared, then Krishna and Shiva.

"I'm yours, Vishnu," I said. "I'm yours, Krishna. I'm yours, Shiva."

Krishna and Shiva vanished. I raised myself upwards and dove on top of the Maintainer. We started kissing until he became Krishna. I stopped, sat up, and pouted. Everyone I made love to was Krishna. This was a top secret, you could say: Krishna was everyone and everything. He'd tricked me again, always playing around. Vishnu was Vishnu and Krishna was Krishna, though they were One.

I walked away, frowning, and he came after.

"My Goddess," he said.

"Don't do that again," I said.

Often when I was with Krishna, we would go on dates. Now there was no more.

"I am without desire. I have no one to be."

"This is okay," he said. "Everything is okay now."

"So gold," I said, observing the untouched golden air with cleanest white merged together around us.

"The purest gold," he said, stroking my face and gazing at me. "The purest Soul."

Following our intimacy, we rolled around. When I sat, he dissolved into me. I was both male and female, La and Krishna, God and Goddess together as one. He came out, and I faded into him. Krishna was God and Goddess, Krishna and La together - One. Love was always in love with Love, God, Self. I came out, but he flew into the sky, taking off his clothes.

My eyes were captivated solely on him. How eternally beautiful and indescribable he was. He was all pure, parallel to flawless crystal glass. Then I wasn't sure what I could do for him, when there was no more "me." There were no tricks up my sleeves, no image to parade, and nothing to present. Not a single thing emerged as I stood trying, as I was naked, completely selfless, without anything. It made me want to cry, not able to do, or thought of anything, as if I couldn't 'think'. "I" was gone.

"You're the purest one for me. The most perfect Soul," he said, hugging me. "This is enough. You are my Soul."

An unborn lay on clearest, purest light appeared and holding a trishul. I grinned. There was no doubt I was the descendant of Shiva, and he was mine. With a smile, I patted the precious one.

"There are no questions," Krishna said, referring to my birth.

"There is no question," I said.

When he vanished, I was by myself, strolling. With every step I took, golden energy swirled, encircling my feet then pink lotus flowers grew underneath my walking steps. A big pink lotus seat floated by, where it could be a bed to sleep in, though I sat on it then lay down, before riding the lotus with the trident in my hand.

Shiva revealed himself, hovering over the entirety. I flew to him and sat as the Destroyer. The mantra instantly surfaced.

"Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

Then: "The fully Enlightened One. The Holy One. The Perfect One. The Most Honored One."

Calmly, I sat before I was both male and female, God and Goddess, as if I was androgynous, sitting as Shiva.

"The most beautiful," I heard from Krishna. "The purest one."

He sat watching with Vishnu and the Auspicious One. I got up and performed dances with the trishul.

"Yes! I am!" I shouted, soaring upward. I opened my eyes.

Truly, once and again, I was in love with Krishna, where he was my only breath; energy I breathed in and out. His presence always surrounded me, and was the deepest core of who I was, as my Soul, where we couldn't be apart. Every time I underwent an ordeal of transforming this would be the case with us. He couldn't be anywhere else.

However, I wasn't convinced how I could persevere anymore, as I was deeply washed-out. There was no desire, at all, in me.

"This can be done," I heard Krishna say indicating there was more to do, which meant another narrow path I needed to make it pass.

Lying in my bed resting subsequently taking Santi for a bike ride around the blocks, I smiled because Krishna was flirting. When closing my eyes, we were where we were previously, on purest gold light.

"Tell me you love me, my love," I said following our intimacy. He was quiet. "Tell me you love me, Krishna."

"I love you, my Soul," he said, caressing my chin. His love nearly had me choked to tears, deeply moved by his immeasurable, bottomless, incomparable affection.

"And you are my Soul," I said. We are so one. "I surrender to you. Everything I do, I do for you, for love."

"You are this love," he said.

He stood up, and immediately I knew what he was going to do. I was speechless, in awe and moved by it. He stripped off his garments, and to watch Krishna, the Supreme God, in that way, no words could translate into description. It was true 'heaven, joy, nirvana.'

"Only for you," he said when he returned. "Just for you, my love. Only you."

"I love being in your energy. It is immeasurable; nothing can compare," I said.

"And I love being in yours," he shared. "It is absolute. The purest."

During my evening walk, a flash of Krishna and I sharing the sweetness arose, though this time it was in a shape of an ice cream bar. The message from this was that I was going for it, another transformation to undergo. He was touched by it.

Next, I was inside darkness, surrounded by gold bars. Briefly observing, I tasted one, then licked and ate it. It melted into liquid gold. Then I was on my knees, eating it.

Krishna appeared, observing.

"You are truly innocent. Truly the most innocent," he said.

The following evening, my sister and brother-in-law wanted to have a date night, and the 'adorable four' came to our house. Everyone knew my adamancy regarding not wearing shoes inside the home to keep it clean of dirt. Signs hung on the front door and another was tagged on the side that read 'Please Remove Shoes'. Not a single individual would miss this. However, my youngest nephew forgot the message and ran with his sandals on while everyone was outside enjoying themselves. He wanted a toy from the playroom and entered from the back door. No one saw him until I heard his little footsteps.

Oh my God!

I rushed inside to stop him, it was too late, and I spoke to him about getting a spanking if he did it a second time. His action brought awareness that there wasn't much anxiety in me regarding this anymore, although I'd like to keep the house neat. It wasn't like how it used to be, where I'd be lecturing everyone or complaining to Sean, over and over. Even the severe anxiety was lessened to minimal.

A vision of eating gold bars transpired. Not just one or two, but plenty. They melted abruptly, and I delved in. My hair, legs, nails, hands, and arms were nothing but gold. My inside was energy of the purest, immaculate gold. There wasn't any flesh; only this golden essence. Then I walked, carrying the golden trident in semi-dark atmosphere.

"Gold Soul," I heard suddenly, and I collapsed on my knees, crying, with no sentence to term what was happening. It was unimaginable. Moments later, I stood and strolled into clear expanse of light.

A leopard came by and I petted it, as I lay on perfect, pure light.

My form turned into the Destroyer in a porcelain skin tone and the seams of my apparels were all gold, looking at a soundless river a distance far. Many Shivas appeared in midair, though it was me watching myself heading toward a stream. The water was glistening mist. A conch manifested, and I blew into it. Then a golden horn, and I did the same to it.
"The Auspicious One," I heard.

"I am the Auspicious One," I said. "I am who I am now."

A rabbit hopped by, and I stroked the adorable furry creature, embracing the lovely one in my arms. It symbolized my gentleness. Harmlessness became the deep core of my being-ness. The endearing red and white furry ran ahead, and I chased it. Hanuman arrived, standing tall in white air. Then many of him paraded throughout, with white light shining behind, before this light turned akin to a golden sun, emitting its ultra- rays.

"My love," I said. "Myself."

In my own form, I sat spectating brilliant, vibrant atmosphere, carrying now a snowy white rabbit in my arms and rubbing its hair. When it vanished, Krishna appeared, see-through, over soft clouds. I extended my arm to touch him, the core of my very being, my own Soul, myself.

The next few days, I had to take care of my niece and nephews, plus Santi. They all had swimming lessons, and I was the one who took them. My sister had to work and my brother-in-law worked the night before and needed rest. It was enjoyable to spend time with the kids, although my young nephew was going through tantrum stages, refusing to participate in his lessons. It'd only take a little to cause him to act out, for instance, a simple 'no' would do.

As much as I could, I tried encouraging him to engage in class with the other young ones. He was able to put both of his feet in water, and we made splashes. However, his tantrums happened often that day and the following two days, so I was exhausted. In spite of this, when I had a moment to myself, I'd beam, as I was on cloud nine, in love.

At the time, I was also dealing with the insurance company in order to keep an appointment that was scheduled a month ago, to assess the mole. Going back and forth, speaking with insurance agency and the hospital clinic was stressful. Inside, there was no desire. Before bedtime, I was drained, trying to find a new primary provider to match what the dermatology clinic wanted, and wasn't able to get a doctor, who took Medicaid, who'd made referral to this specialist, to be on the card. Some would make referral, but the appointment to get me in was a couple months away, as a new patient. My regular physician was no longer on the list of an insurance panel for Medicaid, but still took my insurance. When I tried to switch to her, the computer wouldn't allow me. On and on, I attempted until late at night. A different name of a doctor was on the card, who I never seen, as the insurance agency randomly selected, and she wasn't a GP (general practitioner) but a blood specialist.

Whereas resting in bed, an image of being in a dim universe developed. I sailed into the air shouting, "I am my own blood! I am my own blood! I am my own!"

Afterwards, I knelt before Krishna came, riding on a chariot. He reached for my hand. I sat with my head on his shoulder. He wore golden clothing. The horses were white, pulling us somewhere.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"We are going home," he said. "Home, home: just us."

It was unbelievable that we weren't yet completely home. It was without doubt that dealing with and focusing on my nephew's behaviors was a distraction. Something was happening within; nonetheless, I hadn't had a chance to fully listen.

The following night, I meditated. I was in dim vacant climate, shouting, although Krishna was there, formless as consciousness itself, and unseen, as if I was inside him.

"Krishna! Krishna! Love me with your all! Love me with your all! Krishna! Love me with your all!"

I kept saying this as if it became another recitation before changing to: "I love with my all! I love you with my all! I love you with my all, Krishna! I love with my all! I love with my all! I love myself with my all! I love La Kingsavanh with my all! I love myself with everything and nothing! I love with my all, everything and nothing! I love with my all, everything and nothing! My all! I love with my all!"

He came, though he was without form, asking: "Want to marry again?"

Since he and I already married and had had series of marriages, there was no need; not anymore.

"I have no desire," I replied.

Then I headed elsewhere, carrying the indestructible weapon with three sharp spheres, saying, "I am everything and nothing, God and Goddess together, one. I am everything and nothing, God and Goddess together, one."

A drum soared to my hand; I hung it on my powerful trident. King cobras slithered by and hugged themselves on both of my arms then a shining, beaming crescent moon rested on my mane. Shiva showed while I walked, sitting in meditation in the atmosphere. When I tried to touch him, I couldn't. He was utterly shapeless, with his eyes closed in washed stone light, soft orange skin.

"I give you my all. I give you everything, my love," I said, kneeling before getting up and pointing with my finger. "I give you the sun, the moon, the stars, and the sky. My all, my everything and my nothing. I give you my everything and my nothing. My all."

I tried touching him, but, similarly, I wasn't able to. He was complete air, meanwhile I was saying, "I love with my all, everything and nothing," as if it became a chant, and my form kept disappearing into nothing, as I was fading into love; into Self.

"Oh my God," I said, observing and was both nervous and joyful. "I am without form. I am formless. I am without form. Krishna! Krishna! Krishna! There's no more me! There's no more me! There's no more me! Krishna! I am without form! I am gone! I am gone! I am formless! Krishna! There's no more me! I am without form!"

This became another recitation. He showed up practically invisible. Whereas carrying the trident with small a drum hanging on it, I hugged him.

"I love you," he said. "My only Soul."

Now we were holding each other unseen and see-through. Tears filled my eyes, and at the very instant, I wasn't crying over my final form any longer, as I'd already let it go.

A few days later, I invited a few of my friends to go swimming. The weather was hot, so we were all there at a public pool with our children. Relaxing under a big, red and white umbrella with my friend was soothing. We conversed over our kids, the weather, and everything, like a year ago. Then a guy walked our way, and quickly I grabbed my shirt and put it over my chest. My friend did the same. We were in our swimsuits. Moments later, I put away my shirt, informing her that if he was to come by again, I'd leave my shirt off.

"Why did you do that, then?" she asked.

"I don't know, I just do it," I said with a grin. There wasn't rhyme or reason to what I did or didn't do. It was all spur of the moment, whatever it was. "Maybe he'll stare. I don't know," I added, and laughed, though there was no thought before or behind it. It aided my comprehension when Krishna said I was 'truly innocent' doing and being, with no attachment to this or that; just pure moment itself.

Close to sleep time, I browsed for something to watch and found a cartoon on "Mahabharata". Since I hadn't seen it, I was interested to watch anything relating to Krishna. However, just halfway into the show, I fell asleep. Undoubtedly, I was inconsiderably in love, and even hearing his name chilled my every bones and veins. The following day, Sean and Santi left to do errands. I was by myself in my room, lying down, tired, before busting into tears.

"I am really gone," I said, holding myself. "There's no more me. I am completely gone."

After closing my eyes, I stood looking at Buddha's stone figures holding pink lotuses in each of their hands, sitting in rows as I ran down this hallway made of energy. Buddha sat in midair, watching.

"I am this itself," I said, running and touching lotuses until seeing Tibetan bells. "I am this enlightenment itself. I am all this. I am all this. I am everything and nothing."

In front of Buddha, I held my trishul.

"The Enlightened One," he said.

Yes, I am. I am, my love.

Then I was somewhere, making love to Vishnu. Afterwards, I let him know I was his. Suddenly he left, but reappeared just a short distance from me, and I crawled to him on all fours. Pink lotuses were on each side of me, blooming.

"Vishnu! Vishnu! I love you. I will do anything for you; for love. I will do anything," I said as if I'd go through any transformation, again. As I proceeded, I shouted: "There's no more me! There's no more me! I am gone! I am without form! Vishnu!"

Pink lotus flowers grew immaculately and became my path.

"I am this enlightenment itself. I am all this itself. I am enlightenment itself. Vishnu! I am love itself! I am love itself! Vishnu!"

It became another chant. He stood amid light, displaying, and I was on my knees, heading where he was and wearing whatever I wore that day: purple checkered shorts and a soft, brown short-sleeve blouse. It was if I was still a bit scared and maybe freaking out that I completely had no form, and now I was invisible, unseen. A wormhole materialized. It was bigger, like a slide. Before diving in headfirst, Krishna appeared in front of it without shape; just clear consciousness itself. I yelled his name this time, telling him I was his.

"I give myself to love! I give my all to love," I kept saying, traveling on. "I am this love itself."

When I finally came through, Krishna was there. I sat in front of him, as we both were shapeless shape.

"I give myself to you. There's no more me. I give myself, my all to love."

Trembling and shaking, nervous that 'I' was gone and now deeply unformed, I was somewhat terrified.

"You are my Goddess!" he shouted to help me calm down. "You are my Goddess! You're my Goddess!"

Momentarily, I calmed, but was elsewhere, alone, touching water. Soon, it turned gold. Then I stood up and walked on golden aqua, with lotus leaves grew underneath my feet, as I walked. Abruptly, I flew higher and sat on pink lotus flower seat.

"The lotus has bloomed," I said. "Full blown."

I opened my eye, then watched a show. Later, I ate lunch and returned to my room, amused to myself, completely head over heels in love with the Divine God. Quickly I closed my eyes, attempting to nap, though this wasn't successful.

Immediately, I saw Krishna on Earth. I was invisible, observing him as if I couldn't keep my eyes away even for a split second, deeply and truly in love as if I couldn't do anything else but watch and absorbed in him. It was as if I could do this eternally; as I was watching my heart and Soul. When he strode the streets with his friends, I couldn't turn anywhere, as if my all was fixed on him; as if he was my entirety itself: the core of my breath. Then he went home, sat in his room, and wrote something. With my invisible arms, I wrapped myself around him and continued watching, hopelessly in love and of this love, with my all. Then, as if I couldn't help myself, I touched his back. He scratched it when I pulled away. Suddenly a realization surfaced, and I wasn't definite if I could handle it.

"Don't tell me," I said, pausing.

The overwhelming energy developed, and my chest was compressed, as Krishna's love was supremely powerful. This was how he had loved me 'ever since'. Not only he was there before I was born and until I was an adult, but he was head over heels in love with me, like this my whole entire life. Shiva was right. Krishna had disclosed this before, though I wasn't deeply aware of his affection to this magnitude.

The energy grinded truly strong, and it was hard to breath. I rubbed my chest.

"I can handle it. I can handle it."

"Do you see it?" he asked when he appeared next to my side.

"I see it," I replied, putting my head on his shoulder. "I see it. I am with you now, my love. I am here now."

No different than any other time, beaming with sparkling eyes on endless vapors, seeing the dazzling heavens filled with twinkling stars, breathe in and breathe out, I was boundlessly in love. Every romantic song I heard was about him and I just like anyone in deep love, everything became light and laughter. At night, I'd beam, as he was always there.

A flash of where I left off befell. As I was endlessly in love with him, he was the only thing that existed as my entirety. He went under a tree, looking thinner and smaller, playing his flute, and I'd listen and grin inside, taken by this affection absolutely, as it was my Soul. His form kept disappearing then he was gone and instantly, he was right in front of me, unseen.

"My love," I said.

"My love," he said. We became intimate, and my whole was immensely moved, wanting to weep.

"My love is purest, Krishna," I said. "My love is of the purest."

My breathing was God. My living, inside and outside, was nothing more than God itself.

"Being with you is heaven," I continued, touching his face. "You are pure heaven. You are the core of me."

Realizing this was the ultimate Nirvana; the balance of God and Goddess; the yin and yang, as one.

The following day, though, the Divine God was there; however, his energy wasn't all over me, like days ago. Thus, I missed him throughout the day. Sometimes I was discouraged, wondering if he missed me at all. My day was busy with taking Santi and his cousins to different places for fun activities. Whenever I got the chance to be alone, I'd miss Krishna. Near bedtime, alone in my bed, I wanted to sob, missing him considerably. It seemed like he was not responding.

Rising at approximately 1 am to go use the restroom, I couldn't sleep. I screamed for him, calling his name numerous times and letting him know how truly I loved and was in love with him. As my eyes shut, I found myself emerging from water with a fish in my mouth, and I let it drop. Again, I surfaced through with another and I let it go.

Amid sitting on water with sand or dirt below it, the sun radiated its vibrant rays. I yelled Krishna's name plenty of times, loving and missing him deeply.

"There's no more," I said with my finger on the sand, making a shape as if I was going to inscribe something. There wasn't anything to pen, and there was no more desire. He appeared, marching my direction, and the sun illuminated on him.

"You are all I ever wanted!" I shouted, watching him. "You are the only thing that is left in me! You are all that's in me! You are all that's in me!"

Before he made it to where I was; I collapsed on my hands and knees, crawling towards him.

"I am love itself. I am all this. I am all this itself. I am love itself. I am God itself."

We embraced.

"There's nothing in me except you. You are the only thing that's in me. You are the only God that's in me."

I carried on and on, as God, Love, and Self was my whole, as I could only live and die in this love itself.

When he and I made love, I said: "I give my all to you. I give everything to you. I surrender to you, my love, eternally. I am yours, Krishna. I am all that you are. I am all that is you. I am all that is you. You are all that's me. You are that's me. I am you. I am you, completely. I accept us. I accept us. You are me. You are me. You are me."

In a moment, I was in front of Vishnu, letting him know of my unwavering affection for him.

"I love you so badly, my love," I said. "I love you so truly and deeply, Vishnu."

Subsequently, I returned to Krishna and lay in his arms.

"Get some rest, my love," he said.

"Rest with me," I said, as if I couldn't turn away in the slightest, like my whole would disintegrate in pieces. "I love you."

"And I love you, my Soul," he said. The energy became a bit overpowering, though I told myself I could 'do it'. Countless times, I had been in this powerful, unimaginable love.

"You can't turn away," I said.

"Not even for a second," he replied.

I beamed and attempted falling asleep, though it was tough, taken by this union of him and I. An image of embracing a blue baby Krishna with curly hair ensued, though there was no desire to have a family with him, anymore. He was the only God I ever wanted; having families and going on dates with him no longer was in my system. The only thing that was my Soul was of God and Goddess. This was the ultimate, the Self, the God of all gods, the Love of all love, love of Self, love of All, love of everything and nothing. The Isness; the eternal now and oneness; the all and nothing; the complete salvation, liberation and nothingness.

In the morning, I was in the same energy, downright in love and of this very love. Heading downstairs to prepare coffee, I said, "I am so in love. I am so, so in love. I am so in love with Self. I am so in love with La Kingsavanh."

During breakfast, I whispered: "This is pure heaven, heaven of all heavens. This is the ultimate."

The whole day I was in exuberant endless, great love, amused even when conversing with friends at Santi's swimming lessons. Everything was light, joyful and contented, as no words to translate my immovable peace, calmness, and contentment. When we returned home, Santi and I attempted to catch moths and butterflies in our yard. Yesterday, there weren't many, but today there were some.

A particular moth kept circling me. Instead of the white-winged moths, it was in gray and brown colors, different from other ones.

"Don't tempt me," I said, beaming. It was Krishna, landed right in front of me. I went to get a bug net. I swung it. It got away.

"Let me catch you, my love," I said. "Krishna! Krishna! Let me catch you!"

He flew off, and I pouted a bit before he sailed by shortly, but he got away.

The young one left with his grandma, and I went upstairs to get a catnap. Yet, I wasn't able to rest. As soon as I closed my eyes, a vision of Buddha revealed sitting in dim light, with a glowing halo reflecting everywhere.

"Darn," I said, wanting to doze and not wanting to go into meditation.

It was pretty strong and I couldn't shut it off, thus I observed. Standing in front of Buddha, my beloved weapon flew to my hand; however, the spheres were slimmer this time.

The pink lotus seat was higher, with light shining on it while the halo beamed throughout the entire zone. I soared to sit on the lotus seat. An image of Krishna and I having a family surfaced, though there was no wish for this, in any way. I was done.

"I am home," I said. "I am home, home. I am peace. I have no desire. I have no more desire."

Then I headed somewhere with a radiating halo behind my head, and saw Buddha.

"The enlightenment itself," he said. "The Enlightened One."

Like before, I bowed, acknowledging it. Momentarily, I sat.

"The Most Honored One," Buddha continued.

This is the ultimate nirvana.

Daily, everything was clear, internally. It seemed that La was really gone, only untouched calmness, contentment, and joy was there. Nothing mattered besides the moment itself, whatever it was. My breathing in and out was one and the same; there wasn't any difference. During my nightly walk, I noticed the thoughtlessness in me, as though I was only consciousness and awareness, right then and there.

Visions which consistently occurred during meditation were of a golden Buddha reclining. However, on one occasion, I found myself treading in immaculate light before making a tree exist by the ocean where I was previously, but it now contained solely flawless energy. The golden (mixed with brushed-off black) flute came to my hand. Two strings hung on both sides with either a heart or something else.

As I began blowing into the musical tool, Krishna came through of each melody made from it. The tune, the sound, was of this God. There was many of him unfolding from my music, filling the limitless sky. Witnessing this nearly had my eyes moist. The unspeakable and immeasurable love arose immensely inside, as this was who I was. Every breath, every step, every sound, was of God, Love, Self.

When all of him vanished, and I was done playing, he appeared formless as this universe. He reached down to touch my chin, as I sat quietly.

"My Soul," he said.

"You're me," I spoke softly. "You're me. There's no doubt."

He disappeared, but Shiva surfaced, just half of him, with his matted hair in a bun and a crescent moon tucked in it. He was immaculately beautiful, to where I couldn't keep my eyes away.

"You are the most beautiful," I said gently, truthfully taken by his presence. "You're the most perfect Soul."

I kept gazing at the Destroyer's magnificence and whispered: "I am this itself."

He left. Krishna reappeared, see-through. I headed toward him and lay in his arms, adoring the flute. The instrument was deeply strong, untouched and unbreakable.

"The most brilliant," he said. "The All Powerful."

"Yes, I am," I responded.

"Get some rest, my love," he said.

It was 3 am, and the family and I had planned to go to the city the next day. An image of myself in the metropolis arose, walking where we intended to visit. I asked Krishna to join me, as he was observing, as the whole atmosphere itself. He came as a white moth, and he was informed that Santi was going to capture him. The cheerful boy chased the two-winged insect around and caught it with his hands, though the moth died. This time, I wasn't toppling on my knees with depthless compassion, to where it could move Heaven and Earth at once. Energy sprung from the dead insect and returned to Krishna as he lay on his elbow, watching.

"You get it now," he said.

"I get it now," I replied.

At dawn, we all rose and got ready for the exciting expedition. This was Santi's first time voyaging to a vast urban. He was joyful, riding on the train with his friend, and it was her first time, also. Amidst the long ride, I took out snacks and shared them with my friend. Her daughter also liked the roasted savory almonds. She sat with Santi on the next aisle. She kept coming over to dig her tiny hands into the delicious, crunchy treats.

"It's all yours, my love," I said, giving her the entire bag. Then I brought out another. The cutie was curious over the foreign sweets. She had a taste and loved it.

"Then it's yours, my love," I said, offering her the whole thing.

Finally, we reached our destination. It was hot and the heat index climbed. We visited a couple of places before heading to the children's playground. Santi spotted a moth and couldn't focus on the new parks around him. I smiled inside. Krishna was there and everywhere, joining me. When Santi was done playing, we headed elsewhere. My friends and their kids still wanted to stay at the children's areas.

Sean and Santi bought their lunches from one of the food stalls. We sat on wooden benches under tree shades. I realized that it didn't matter too much if I was at home or somewhere else, it was all the same. There was hardly any distinction: whether I stayed in town or ventured to a different city, I was calm and still. Breathing in and breathing out was all that was left inside.

We took the bus after strolling in the excruciating heat. We were all depleted, although I was more fatigue due to my iron level being cellular low, and supplements was prescribed to aid with anemia. Having heavy menstrual didn't help with being overly tired.

After we were sheltered ourselves from the sun, with cool air, we were recharged. We returned to meet our friends, but this time we walked. Many beggars were at every street corner. Unlike other times, where compassion would emerge and I'd give what money I had, now there was only clearness inside. The untouched love and compassion was there, but were now truly clear. I was, all at once, whole and complete Self. Whether I gave or didn't give, it was the same: Love.

Leaving my final form was liberation. It was deeply magnificent to live formlessly, with no identification of any kind, just immaculate affection that needed or wanted nothing, but accepted everything and nothing the way it was. As I just arrived, all just arrived, as I walked and talked, all walked and talked not much difference. All was Self, God, and energy that was in love and love. There wasn't anyone or anything that wasn't La Kingsavanh. Before, it felt as though I was foolish, realizing I was conversing with myself and making myself manifest instantly to chat and laugh with. And now, as I was this truly, with complete acceptance, it was liberation: the most beautiful and perfect.

An image occurred of sitting in clear sky on a pink lotus flower that bloomed fully. Then I lay on it before standing to observe that, far and wide, there were pink lotuses blooming. Quan Yin appeared, stationing on a pink lotus seat.

"The true salvation," she said, and I bowed, with pure acceptance.

"Yes, my love," I said.

Momentarily, she was gone, though Buddha revealed himself with his palm opened. Suddenly many of him surrounded me, and I bowed.

"My love," I said. Immediately the love in my heart and Soul came. He appeared in the air and my tears fell. "You're my core."

"And you're mine," he said.

The following day, in another vision, I was examining a round metal comparable to a dome, as big as an igloo. Momentarily, I lifted it, and golden light sprung. Then I dove in and uncovered a lid, with more brilliant light seeping through.

"Release all!" I shouted.

I unlocked another, with extra lights emerging, until either a marbled dark green energy that looked similar to a large serpent or a dragon flew in through the wormhole, so I trailed it. We sailed into the dim sky. Then, I stood watching the long-tailed energies flying all over, as they were released from underneath.

In a moment, lava flowed and I examined the hot liquid. It seemed as if this was the end. I plunged below the burning magma to see what it was underneath; there was nothing. I came up, spitting fiery water from my mouth. Some stuck in my hair like snowflakes, and I brushed them off with my hand, saying, "Ouch, ouch."

Then I stood on top of the boiling fluid and noticed razor blades connected to each other in plastic bags inside my mouth. They were endless, and I kept pulling them off. Soon, I was formless form, watching lava spreading and torching everything. A realization surfaced, that I must 'let go of everything in order to get everything'.

Not too long after, I witnessed myself carrying an ice brick on my shoulder.

"I love ice," I said, and started to lick it, as if I was hot, bordered by red, fiery water. The ice melted. The area seemed to get hotter, though there wasn't any heat, at the same time. It was and wasn't, instantly. Nonetheless, I stepped off from my physical shape. It morphed into gray stone, and I broke it apart.

"I want nothing left of my last form!" I shouted, grasping what was truly going on, as I had to confront any residual conditions or thoughts that were left. Then, I went to lie on roasting lava, as if it was nothing; as if it was a bed. A book appeared, and I scanned the first page that contained some writings, before dropping it to incinerate. After lying leisurely for some time, I found myself being lifted. Buddha appeared, see-through, as he too was floating upward.

"That can be hot," I said, marveling over liquid flowing rocks and reclining before lying on my back again. "It can be hot. That can be hot."

Buddha watched, as I now lay on my stomach commenting a couple more times, kicking my legs. Instantly, aware that deep within, I was 'pure innocence'. Then I peered down. Everything was all burnt: only black ashes remained. I wasn't convinced what I wanted to plant, once everything was gone, besides pure love and compassion, which was the only air that was myself. Immediately, white flowers sprouted in all places, I was speechless, touching them.

"I am truly pure," I whispered. "I am completely pure, the purest of the pure. All is pure. All is pure."

The next morning, the referral appointment with the dermatologist that had been scheduled a month or more ago was cancelled, and I was upset, talking to a receptionist from this particular doctor's office. After going back and forth with the insurance company and this clinic for a long time, I was taxed. The appointment was taken off two days before I was to be seen. I broke down while on the phone.

Inside, I was truly tired and depleted, and above all, I had no desire.

"I don't know what else I can do, anymore," I said. "I did everything. I can't let myself go through this anymore."

She transferred my call to a referral division, to review the same things that we had been discussing on and off, numerous times. She requested me to phone the insurance again, but she was informed that she should do the contacting since they had problems with it. The insurance company would pay for my visit. This information had been relayed plenty of times, to at least five people: the receptionists and referral representatives. Moreover, I spoke to at least four insurance agents who informed of the same matter, which was conveyed to the dermatologist's office. Nonetheless, my appointment didn't go through.

Once I was done crying, I told them, "Thank you for listening."

Then I was in the kitchen washing dishes, understood that something else was occurring inwardly.

"Krishna, Krishna, Krishna," I said, as I was hurt. "La. La. I can wrap this up all by myself. I can do it. I can wrap everything up. I can do it myself."

It was a relief to cry. It didn't matter how, who, what, and when I broke down. I just did.

The referral department called when I was on an outing with the kids, providing similar information that the changes would take effect the beginning of next month, that my primary doctor would be on the insurance card. She didn't want me to make another appointment, afraid that if it didn't go through, I might be in distress.

"It's okay, I am better now. It won't happen, since I already dealt with it," I said. "Thank you for listening. I needed that."

The fact was - if I was to break down again, I was to break down again. What was there? Nothing, really; there was to need to prevent myself from being in distress. When I loved myself completely, there was neither this nor that. All was one.

Not remembering correctly, I might have asked what the 'point' was of calling the insurance, when the appointment was no longer. Despite the fact that there wasn't any, I spoke of this to aid deeper awareness that there was no 'point' in myself: I was purposeless, pointless, with no destination and no goal.

In the last couple of days, I hadn't really felt Krishna's presence. Days before, I submitted and surrendered to him. My love with this God was utterly pure, where it became 'worship' itself. While driving the kids to get lunch, a white moth flew by. Immediately, I knew it was Krishna, so I pouted a bit.

"My Goddess," he said, though I continued pouting. "You're with me completely."

An image of him developed of washing dishes whereas I was in him playing the flute, showing that he was always in me as well as I was in him (though, I raised my eyes a bit).

Later, I had to take Santi to water parks. This summer, we had busy schedule. Subsequently dropping his cousins off, we had to meet with our friends that were already there. However, I went back and forth after we parked not wanting the phone to get too heated, from the scorching weather.

"Maybe I should push it deeper," I said, placing my purse way underneath the car seat. "Well, maybe I could it put in the back seat, since it's shadier."

Santi was patient, watching. We headed towards the entrance. Well, maybe I should drive up next to the tree so the shade can cover the phone. But maybe it's okay where it is.

When I asked Santi over the phone getting overheated, he informed that everything was fine; nonetheless, I urged him to return to the car with me. And I checked to feel if the phone was burning, though it wasn't. This was like yesterday's scenario. We proceeded to the gate, but thought of driving the vehicle to park it in the shades.

"Come on, Mommy!" Santi yelled as I stood motionless, unsure of what to do.

"Let's go drive our car here," I suggested.

We headed back, and parked under tree shadows. Then it wasn't shady enough, and asked Santi to wait for me to move the truck. Afterwards, I understood that something was transpiring. Undoubtedly, I was unsure of how to let go of any last drop of my final form, and what other transformations that needed to be endured, or any life and death, yet again. There was no desire in me, let alone any strength, to undergo such a formidable task.

It was lonely at the aquatic with the situation this morning, and anything else, I needed to face. Sometimes I wanted to weep. When we were in the wave pool, and the sparkling surfs rushed towards us, we all jumped on them. The water felt refreshing for such a boiling, humid day. The glistening reflections of the aqua from the sun were magnificent to spectate.

"Thank you, my love," I said to Krishna, who'd made the waves appear for us to enjoy.

Later I sat alone below the umbrella waiting for the little fella to head up the water slides. A white moth flew by. I almost burst into cries. The blue God was with me.

"I can't look anywhere else," he said.

Then a young couple walked past, to go to the kid zone. They were talking, though I wasn't certain of what. Yet, it made me smile, as love was always in love with love. They strolled by a second time, and she asked: "Why are you ignoring me?"

"I'm not ignoring you," he said. There was no doubt that Krishna and I were always talking and in love. It wasn't that the couple was like me, but they were myself in different bodies, minds and so on.

At 1 am, I tossed and turned in my bed, and understood there was something I needed to depart from through which must be done, to leave my last physical completely. It was no different than cleaning up the whole house, but there were a couple of little things that had to be tidied, before being completely finished.

An image of being inside a room, pounding a hammer on a nail came to me. Very quick, Buddha appeared above, on both sides and underneath. Rapidly I launched into the sky. Buddha was all around, understanding my inside and outside, and above and below were all the same: Buddha. A wormhole existed through him, I soared in. Not remembering correctly where it had taken me, though, I opened my eyes, turning back and forth on my bed.

"If I have to do it again, I will do it again! I will do it," I said.

This time, after Krishna and I made love, I fully submitted myself to him, completely.

"I surrender to love, I surrender to us, I submit completely," I said. "Everything that's me and not me, I fully submit. My everything and nothing. My All, I fully surrender."

"And I surrender to you," he said.

Momentary, he and I stood in front of a portal full of purest white energy, with light radiating. I delved in and it switched into a duct tube filled with spotless, untouched air. As I kept onward, the tube became narrow, and I realized that the transformation I had to go through wasn't too different than before. I stepped out of my form watching myself making my way to the top. Once I did, I was in a white robe similar to Jesus's, sitting in light until there was nothing except this glowing, pure, untouched energy with the clearest light emitting from it.

"This light itself," I heard. "The purest light."

This time, I wasn't clear or see-through; but awesome, breathtaking light. Then, I was with Krishna with no form. We made love and our lights intertwined with one another. We had sounds, and our sounds were of one, purest of consciousness and light-talking.

"I love you," I said.

"And I love you," he said.

The following daylight, a flash of being in Buddha's cave emerged, with the top open and snowy energy shooting through it. The stone cave was of nothing besides carved Buddha statues. Momentarily, I flew through the opening and heard: "The Enlightened One!"

Then I sat with my palm up, like Buddha, and continued hearing, "The Fully Enlightened One."

Quan Yin appeared behind me, sitting with one leg up. When she vanished, I lay on air, and a butterfly soared by. Then more existed, covering in all places.

"This is the greatest liberation," I said. There's no one else, just La Kingsavanh.

The next few days, there wasn't much going on besides Krishna not showing up to converse with me. At 2 in the morning, I'd miss him and yell his name, saying he was 'mine' and 'only mine'. It became repetitive, and I recited it until I fell back asleep.

The song that played on the radio caught my ear. I'd listen to it and searched for lyrics to this tune. At night, this song kept playing in my head.

When putting Santi to bed, I sang nursery rhymes to him and hummed. Suddenly, I nearly melted in cries. There wasn't really anyone else. I was singing to myself to put myself to sleep. I made everything, myself, appear. Unlike other times, I accepted this completely. It was always that I was in romance and romancing myself.

Waking at wee hours, the tune from earlier continually played. It got loud, so I sang along. There was no question I was trying to tell myself something, meaning that I needed to pay attention. I meditated. Immediately, I was in the purest white mist with vibrant light illuminating. A dome like an igloo was there, I broke it into parts with my hand. Captivating light jutted out of it, and I dove on top.

"Shoot me up," I said. It floated me upward where I found myself lying on water with a brilliant energy displayed. I lifted water in my hand, watching it dripping through my fingers.

"I am truly gone," I said, closely sobbing, understanding why I'd kept myself busy these few weeks, not wanting to hear what was inside. "I am so gone. There's no more me. There's no more La. I am completely gone."

Instantly, I was in cleanest porcelain atmosphere, before I was in a roofless white room, with opened paint cans. With a paint brush, I splattered some colors of red, blue, and other shades into the flawless wall. There wasn't much; just enough, and the rest of the walls were untouched.

Walking elsewhere, I sighted a large globe and lay above it.

"It's my breath," I said, loving it with my all.

Next, I was in cloudless sky. A leopard headed my direction; then a black panther joined.

"My animals," I said, rubbing their heads. The song played again, and I hummed with the tune. It slowed down a little later. Then, I missed Krishna, my heart, my Soul. However, when he appeared while I lay with the animals, there wasn't any desire in me, though I am not definite how to explain.

"You are me," I said. Momentarily, I got up to give him my embrace. "We can glue ourselves together."

He vanished. I was alone, walking, and saw Buddha sitting tall, in purest white. He glanced at me. I recognized his eyes were my own eyes, looking at myself.

"It's all me," I said. There were a few of him. Then I rested, repeating countless times, "I have no desire. I have no more desire. I have no desire. There's no more desire."

Abruptly, I was in front of a desk. Clean paper with a peacock-feathered pen was there, and it brought a smile seeing the blue, green feather tail of this pen. Although when I held it; I wrote nothing. There was deeply no desire. Any that remained had been extinguished, and was no longer in me. So, I left it blank. The rest of the sheets at the bottom held little to no writings, then all became air. Everything was gone: clear, white.

"There's nothing," I mumbled. "I am pure love."

In the afternoon, Santi and I went for a stroll. He rode his bike, and I speed walked. We also gathered nuts under trees for the squirrels in our yard. He was getting better at controlling the wheels, not falling off or needing my support to help hold the handles. When we returned home, he watched his cartoon and I retired on my bed.

"I will face anything that's left in me; anything at all. I will face all that's me," I said.

When shutting my eyes, for a nap, a vision transpired of treading in dim atmosphere, wearing a warrior's outfit. My cape flowed as I strode, and the knights held their spheres, standing on both sides in silver metal suits.

"She's coming home!" I heard suddenly.

"I am home itself," I said, flying ahead to sit on the throne. Clear light reflected directly on this throne, but I shot higher and higher until seeing Jesus standing in his porcelain attire in the purest light.

"My love," I said, bowing, passing him. As I continued upward, porcelain Buddha statues reclined on both sides before turning deeply translucent, though I kept going. Untouched golden air emitted and, swirling, I immersed myself in it.

"I am so magnificent," I said. "So completely magnificent. I am this purest light."

Then baby Krishna manifested in soft blue skin with precious ornaments on his hair, arms and ankles. He was healthy and chubby, with curly black hair. As I sat in a lotus position, my eyes sparkled and turned towards the baby.

On all fours, I adored the precious little one.

"You're so cute," I said, feeling his soft cheeks. "Why are you so cute? Why are you such a cutie?"

The baby crawled, I followed on my hands and knees admiring and chuckling.

"She's a child," I heard Krishna say suddenly, from nowhere. "Innocent. Pure."

Somehow, I didn't like being called a 'child,' wanting to be an adult, therefore I pouted, putting my arms around my chest in a manner similar to a five-year-old who wanted to be a big boy. The blue baby climbed upwards before transforming into light blue energy, combined with ultra-white air. I followed, blending myself into this energy. A mighty dragon glided by, and I hopped on it.

It soared, as I rode on the magnificent creature.

"I go wherever you go. I am you," I said.

Many dragons sailed alongside us and everywhere else. Shortly, the Divine God was on another dragon, flying nearby. Beaming inside, my eyes sparkled, flirting. Then I marched to where he was and we stood face to face in midair, and at the moment, I was hopelessly, immensely, in love again.

"I am always in love with you," I said. "I am yours eternally."

"And I am yours," he said, caressing my face. "You are supremely pure, truly the most innocent."

I opened my eyes from meditation, trying to rest, but Santi entered the room, wanting us to watch a show together.

In the evening, we attended my nephew's birthday party. He was having exciting time playing basketball games with many of his friends. Other family members I hadn't seen for some time were there, and I greeted them upon entering the house. We ate delicious foods: egg rolls, crab rangoons, and variety of pizza toppings cooked by my brother-in-law and sister.

At night, I reflected on why I didn't like to be called a 'child.' It was without question that I was childlike, and when Krishna informed of this, it was huge slap in the face. No one likes being called what they were. I shook, as if a mountain collapsed on my chest.

When looking at myself in the mirror, it seemed as if I wasn't there. I am unsure how to expound this, as if there was only formlessness. It was as though my form had no form: just air, unseen. Sometimes it scared me a bit, as now I'd come down to this. There wasn't anything except 'pure presence, energy, God or pure intelligence' that could speak, walk, smile, create, maintain, and destroy all at once.

Usually when I made plans with friends, I wasn't able to stick to them, as who I was, was a 'spur of the moment'. There were no days or dates: everything was right then and there, eternal. I saw my friend's daughter about to take off her clothes to change in public when we were at water parks, and my friend immediately shielded her, with a towel.

"That's what I would do," I said, doing things with no thoughts of right or wrong. Once I had unlearned everything, I was no different than a youngster.

A flash arose being in an empty land. Nightly winds blew. I had been here a few times, many years back. Now it was filled with reclining Buddha figures in porcelain tone. Soft, clear light displayed. Everywhere were of relaxing Buddhas. I ran, touching the idols.

"This is the ultimate Nirvana," I said. "The ultimate freedom."

The next morning was Santi's first day of first grade. He was cooperative with morning routines and he was cheerfully hopping and holding my hand to attend class. It was a beautiful stroll, while smelling fresh climate of summer in the early, quiet morning. I was happy to start working on Memoirs of Aum Books 1 and 2, after a long break from them. Yet, I still didn't like Krishna calling me a 'child', and thought of not talking to him if he showed up in meditation, or when he tried talking to me.

"A child, a child. He called me a child," I mumbled upon returning home. It looked as I needed to come to a full acceptance of myself. After working on editing Memoirs of Aum. The Romance of the Gods. The Beginning, Book 1, Part 1, I took a break to have breakfast. A vision of standing in vibrant mist occurred. Krishna appeared. Since I couldn't turn away from him, I stood sideways, frowning.

"A child is the most beautiful," he said, helping me understand deeper and be more accepting. "The most perfect. The most magnificent."

An image of a little boy of about 4-year-old, hopping and carrying his brown teddy, appeared. At that moment, I understood that a child's world was full of perfection, with no attachments, free and pure. So, I went to lie on the Divine God's chest. We were see-through. He made a white flower crown exist around my head, then stroked my black hair.

"The most beautiful Goddess I've ever seen," he said. "My Soul."

"And you're my Soul," I said. "I give all of myself to you. I give my all to love. You're the most perfect God."

After my appointment with the dermatologist was canceled, I phoned the insurance company a week later, as I wasn't definite what else could be done except contacting them to make ensure the primary provider would change, in order for my appointment to be kept. At sundown, my sister called, inviting me to pick up some food they'd cooked for dinner. She also informed of a new smoothie place which had just opened, and it sparked my interest, and I planned to visit on my way to her house. She further shared that she would get a discount from the purchase, as she already had an account with them, and all I needed to do was punch in her phone number into their machine.

However, before I left, she rang, asking me to get her a smoothie, too. Reluctantly, I agreed. An old resentment surfaced of being relied on. It was the 'can you do this for me and can you do that for me,' thing, alike to my parents. It was undoubtedly a familiar attachment that needed to be dissolved and crushed down. The energy of this wasn't joyful and was tremendously strong. It kept me restless for a long time at night, as I peeled off any residual anger associated with obligations.

Moreover, I was still a shade self-conscious with the cancer or pre-cancer mole on the side of my cheek, of which I also needed to be mindful, aware, and understand ties relating to it. A particular night when I watched TV, a lady happened in a commercial, talked about melanoma, and it captured my attention. Staying late at night, I read in depth details and treatments for skin cancer. The deeper I found out, the more energy thrusted within, as I was frightened of how it could spread. At sunup, I was the same: afraid. Then, I contacted my primary doctor's office to see what else I could do instead of waiting for the long appointment time to come, which was three, whole months away that was scheduled with another skin doctor, which accepted my insurance. The dermatologist office that would see me sooner had problems with my GP not being on the insurance card.

My doctor prescribed an ointment which wasn't to treat basal cell cancer or melanoma, so I spoke back and forth with her medical assistant, on the phone. At night, I wasn't able to sleep soundly. Energy severely burned and hurt profoundly.

"Krishna," I said, as this strong fear collided, disrupting my cells, comparable to strong currents crashing the deep sea, and the only thing I could do was to allow everything to be totally and immensely fearful, as it needed to be; to let it swallow me into the deepness, until there was no more. Close to 3 am, I was torching in this formidable force, pressing my hand against my chest.

The following morning, after refining Book 1, I took a break and drove to get a smoothie. An image developed of Krishna holding me. He then got up momentarily.

"I can make Heaven and Earth shake for you. Dance for you," he said. "Love sings for you. You're my Goddess, my princess."

His love moved me, as I glanced softly at him.

"Krishna," I said. He came back to embrace me.

"You love me so much," he said.

"So deeply," I said.

Then a flash of blood on window transpired, induced fear within, unsure if it was something I needed to go through or something might happen. Soon, I forgot and returned home once I got the mixed fruit smoothie. The flavor-packed blended drink wasn't as tasty as I thought it'd be, though it was really healthy.

Meanwhile, during my exercise later in the day, a white winged moth flew close to the window, wanting to get in. I grinned inside.

"The most beautiful," he said, and soared away.

"I have slowed myself down completely. I am pure emptiness," I whispered.

On my way to fetch Santi, fear emerged that something might occur. I wasn't definite if I should take him to the children's museum or not, but he begged several times, so I did. Then he wanted to go see the reptile and amphibian exhibits, and I was hesitant. Maybe the snake might bite him. He insisted, and we went. On and off, I was trembling inwardly; however, my love with Krishna calmed me, as he was everywhere.

Upon returning home, I spoke to Sean regarding the bump on my face, discussing various doctors who could treat basal cell or melanoma, not too certain if my diagnosis was correct. He mentioned that his dad had it and it was treated with a cream. Immediately, I asked him to bring the ointment home the next day, so I could use what was left from his dad's bottle. He suggested I see a doctor first, and said I needed to wait. Inside, my energy was unsettled, as it pierced and burned vigorously.

He asked if I wasn't scared to apply something that might cause more damage.

No, because I am the fearless one! I am the fearless one!

Similarly, I researched detail information associating with the symptoms with the mole. It was close to what Sean's dad had, and I pleaded him to bring the cream, but to hide it from me until I investigated it thoroughly. He refused. No doubt, I truly had to mindful with the energy that was persisting, involving confronting my fear, although it didn't take me to the deepest abyss like couple of nights ago. Nonetheless, it was intense painful, to where I held myself a couple times, in the bathroom. The energy severely churned, scorching like boiling lava. At night, it was the same: being with it, and I wasn't able to rest. When I closed my eyes, I found myself in the dark, empty universe, flying in hurt.

The golden trident suddenly came to my hand before the beaming, shiny crescent moon sat on my hair. King hovered over the gloomy climate. I flew to kiss my beloved serpent.

"You're my best snake," I said. "The best I ever had."

Many king cobras slithered. Then a multi-headed serpent appeared, and I kissed it.

"My naga," I said. "You're the best."

King opened his mouth while in the air and swallowed me. I stepped out of my form and was formless, afterwards.

"Thank you, my love," I said. Then I sat on air with my feet hanging.

"I have nothing left to destroy," I said, with a trishul in my hand, wearing my sleeping shorts and tank top. "There's nothing left in me."

I stood up, heading back inside the bare cosmos. Another copy of myself arrived with a bottle of wine and a sparkling glass in her hand. She poured, handing me the glass of champagne.

"You can drink it if you want," she said. "It's up to you."

Standing there observing; however, there was no desire to even lift my hand. I headed elsewhere. Shiva showed up, sitting with a crescent moon on his hair and three white lines across his forehead, with a round dot. A black Shiva linga was in front of him, with three white lines straight across and one red line in the middle. He was golden, and King was next to him. As I lay observing the Destroyer, my forehead also had three white lines across my forehead with a round oval dot.

"I have no desire," I whispered, and got up, carrying the golden trident. All Shiva's ornaments were on me, though I was in my own form, walking and repeating.

"I am so desire-less, so, so desire-less. I have no desire. There's no more desire."

Amidst taking Santi to school, I realized I couldn't stop and be stopped. It felt as if I could only go all the way, dead or alive, though inside I was vulnerable; continually confronting lingering fears and hurt. Once home, I accepted myself, my bump, and everything that came with it. Truly, I loved it just like everything else, as it was me who created it, even though the energy, admixed with fear and hurt, forcefully lingered. After I was done reading over the manuscript of Book 1, I meditated.

This time, I put on a Buddhist chant. As soon as my eyes shut, I saw Buddha sitting in his monk outfit, doing something. He was big, though I passed by, going towards pale energy. Many of him reclined as I headed forward, before I came upon all soft light. The Destroyer appeared everywhere.

However, I didn't hear anything, and continued strolling. Then I arrived in a zone filled with golden and white energy, as if I was in another dimension. Quan Yin was present, in the purest white air then she faded. Shiva appeared, like in a painting, truly perfect, and I kept watching him as if I couldn't turn away from such perfection. Momentarily, energy of white, gold, and light emitted from both of his eyes, before I saw the same energy coming through my own eyes.

"Am I able to clearly see all, now?"

Next, I strode elsewhere, now in Shiva's form, observing another of myself in a male body. I was tan with my black hair styled in a bun, and was running. Above was semi-dark energy, spinning as if it was dark sky; however, the middle was gold air, gently flowing, and light reflected on it. As he ran, I followed him standing where I was. He headed to the place where Shiva and I were, by the valley, before his physical body gradually became very thin. Quickly, he became a skeleton before he was unformed.

"I am okay without form," I whispered, witnessing this, and understood what had been going on internally. "I am okay with no form. I am not scared. I accept. I am okay being formless."

Immediately, I was in semi-darkness. The Destroyer stood tall, with the powerful weapon. I went by him, entered him, and came out shapeless, but La.

"I have nothing. I only have you," I said to my trishul, my moon, and other precious items, walking. "I am okay with it."

Then I saw myself sitting as the Destroyer, in golden energy.

"Great Shiva!" I heard as I raced rapidly into the hollow space.

"I am!" I shouted, turning into golden light then dispersing into tiniest fragments. Then I took form, though I was very airy and see-through, lying in clear, transparent energy, carrying the trishul, doing nothing. I was aware, and realized after slowing myself down and peeling off my physical self completely, that I was nothing more than 'pure emptiness'.

Amid studying vibrant haze, relaxing and lying in untouched flawless energy, I smiled because I was going to see Krishna. But he came my way, instead.

"The most perfect Soul!" he shouted.

"My love," I said.

In all ways, there were no words to utter the affection of him and I; the yin and yang, God and Goddess.

"I can't be without you," he said.

"And I can't be without you," I said. "I died for you. I died for us. I am gone. I am gone, so completely and truly."

In the evening following my shower, I sat relaxing before viewing a show. Though there was a raised skin on my cheek, I came to love it just the same. It was also my one true love. It was me, and I deeply loved myself.

On our way to the water parks the next day, hoping for it to be the last hurrah before the park closed for the season, a vision of Krishna being everything came to me. From the smallest to the biggest, was he, as he would do anything and be everything for love; for Self. This moved me greatly, how he would limitlessly be everything for love, without question and with no thought at all.

"You're the greatest God I ever known," I said. "You can't even be spoken off. You are incomprehensible, my love. The most beautiful God I've ever known."

Sean tagged along this time. He played with the kids and they delighted themselves in the cool aqua whereas my friend and I sat in lounging chairs under weeping willow trees under a big orange umbrella, chatting. She checked her phone to see if one of our friends got the message to join us. I still had free tickets, although it was getting late in the day.

My friend called our other friend and then asked if she should come, there was only an hour and a half left before the park closed. Thus, I informed her to come next time, then told my friend that my sister found the tickets last minute, and I wasn't sure what to do amid getting ready.

"I'll try to get more tickets for all of us to come," I said to my friend.

"It's okay, La. You don't have to provide for everybody," she said, which surprised me, as I didn't even think about my doing.

At night, subsequent using the restroom, I missed Krishna and called for him. He was there consciously, shapeless.

"I am only for you!" I shouted, treading in warrior attire, with a golden rod in my grip, with other golden rings hanging on it, realizing I had come to my purest Self. I visited bridges I'd crossed in the past, dissipating them into golden vapor.

"I am only for you completely, Krishna!"

At dawn, I woke feeling low, understanding that now I had nowhere at all to go and no one at all to be, and grieved over what was done. Santi woke up and ran to my bed; we slept in. Then I headed downstairs to brew flavorful vanilla coffee. The whole morning, I was deeply sullen, not knowing what to do, as there was no 'me'. After Sean and Santi left to Sean's parents' home, I meditated, with pain inside, missing Krishna, as too.

Before closing my eyes, I said his name, loving him with no end. This love filled me universally, but I found Buddha sitting transparently, doing something in water. I approached to observe him.

"You are truly the enlightened one, now," he said. "Fully enlightened."

"I am no one at all," I said, sad, watching water flowing then plopping on it. The water was very shallow.

"There's nothing to me at all. I am nobody. There's nothing to me at all."

"See clearly," he continued. I tried touching him, but my hand went through his transparency, and aided my understanding that I was just air, formless and untouched. He appeared crystal clear in the sky and water as I cried, saying the same thing.

"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha. I am no one. I am no one," I said, wiping my tears and holding my chest in pain. "I lost all. I lost all. There's no me. There's no me. I am nowhere. I am no one."

I kept crawling and encountered Shiva in the atmosphere, and tried touching him. Similarly, I couldn't feel his formlessness. My hand passed through the God of Destroyer like it was going through wind. The golden trident popped in my hand; followed by king cobra and the many-headed serpent. Shiva appeared everywhere, see-through.

"The most beautiful snake I've ever seen," I said to King, and smooched his head. King was next to my side as the multi-headed snake carried me around. It lifted my low spirits a tint. Light boxes manifested, like stairs in the sky, and I stepped up them and kept going higher and higher. Then I came upon a big square box where I'd sat previously, surrounded by purest energy, though the light now had turned into immaculate gold. Some sort of small round things acted as steps, and I ascended them.

The higher I ascended, Shiva continually revealed, far and wide. I made another attempt to touch him. This time, I was able to just tiny. He turned a little, and I laughed with my hand covering my mouth, just like a child, aware, deeply, that I was no different than a minor.

"No wonder Krishna called me a child," I said, and proceeded upward and stopped to walk, carrying my weapon, with a small drum hanging on it.

"I am okay having nothing," I said, observing my belongings, and thought I could just dance despite having hardly any desire. Yet, I did for a second, then beat on the drum. Momentarily, I lay before getting up and continuing moving upward.

I encountered crystal spotless light and lay under it. Shiva appeared in the air, watching. When he vanished, Buddha showed up deeply invisible.

"She's the holy one," he said. "The purest."

I had both hands supporting my head, wiggling my toes.

"I am okay with everything," I said. "I am okay with nothing. I am okay, without form."

I opened my eyes, trying to doze, though it wasn't successful. Suddenly a flash befell, I shouted for Vishnu and confessing my eternal love to him.

"Vishnu, my love! I love you without beginning or end!" I said repeatedly until it changed to this: "How far and wide must I go, my love? How far and wide must I go? How far and wide must I go to be my absolute Self? How far and wide must I go?"

Then I stood on a dried gray, cracked ocean at night. Vishnu came. I professed my undying affection to the Maintainer, asking the same question. Momentarily, I soared into the void, outcry the same, before I landed on the globe. Krishna was there, sitting above the world in green semi-dark flowing energy.

I sat in front of him with my legs wrapped around his waist and my head on his shoulder, asking: "How far and wide must I go, my love, Krishna?"

The answer emerged.

"Expansion?"

It was a question, as well as the answer. I realized this was the only thing left to do: expand myself. An image surfaced of dispersing myself into clear energy, parallel to an explosion. If I chose not to come back one more lifetime, as there was no desire, this would be the only thing left, as this would be my last life.

Sometimes I wasn't exact relating to being back with Vishnu, however briefly. Was I scared again? Undoubtedly, the only God I breathed was Krishna.

In meditation, I found myself treading, then skipping with smiles down the street in a big city, though no one was around. I was eating something. The three Gods (Vishnu, Krishna and Shiva) made appearance in sky observing.

"She's a lovely child," one of them commented. After hearing it, there wasn't any reaction to being called this. I must've accepted myself. Inside, there was energy that was love and in love, filled with untouched happiness and contentment like that of a youngster. Everything was here and now, this treasurable, golden moment. My inner happiness had no cause, just purely there.

Krishna didn't appear in form, though he was everywhere, unseen, whenever I closed my eyes.

During my exercise one afternoon, a white moth flew to the window. I beamed. Following reading a section in Memoirs of Aum, Book 2, I missed him. I put on a song he sang. The affection pervaded my whole as I listened and couldn't do anything else but dissolved myself endlessly in it. I closed my eyes, hopelessly taken by this unfathomable love.

An image ensued of being on the bridge covered with vibrant light. It now was truly long and endless, as it had no beginning or ending to it. In a moment, the passage way became an infinite eight. Full of such love, I collapsed on my knees, calling Krishna and holding a golden staff that had a few round golden rings attached on it.

"Krishna! I gave everything up. I gave it all up. I gave up all that was 'me' for you, for us. Everything that was 'me' is gone. I let everything that was 'me' go. There's no more. There's no more."

Then, all around transformed into flowing golden, soft haze, and he appeared universally before he became all immaculate gold, swirling. I blended into it, and my form was gone. Jesus appeared, and he was flowing in his truly white outfit then he was all pure gold.

"She's in love," he said suddenly while I repeatedly uttered I had let everything go and gave it up all for love: Krishna, Self. An image of Radha and him manifested together, and I wasn't jealous like I had been a couple nights ago, seeing their paintings. Immediately, I understood that this signified the balance of him and I, yin and yang, God and Goddess.

Suddenly, I surfaced through water, wet, but I wasn't freshly drenched, as if I had been out for some time and was drying, with a fish in my mouth. After letting loose of the swimming creature, I sat stone-faced, saying: "There's no more. There's no more La. It is done. I gave everything up. I gave up all that was 'me'."

Krishna arrived and wrapped a blanket over me. "I gave everything up for you, for us, for love."

"It is done," he said. "Everything is okay now."

He soon left, though he was invisible and consciously there. Moments later, I got up, wearing my light green pajama shorts and a tank top and held the golden rod. My entirety was gold, and I went to lie on clear light.

"She's Great Shiva," I heard instantly. A green, small apple popped in my hand and I took a couple bites then a squirrel stopped by, and I shared it. Then I spat it.

"I no longer want anything. I have no desire. There's no more," I whispered.

Amid lying, I grinned, this time, realizing that Krishna couldn't resist me. He suddenly took form, standing just a short distance far, although I proceeded to lie unmoved, beaming inside.

"Come here," he called, yet I stayed put, with twinkling eyes. We walked toward each other and held one another when we got close.

"It is done," he continued.

"It is done," I said. We flew into the air and became unseen. Nothing was there: only our sound, realized how free it was to leave all behind, as I was truly self-less.

In the morning, am image came of Krishna carrying me around his waist. We were walking across a bridge with people passing us, though I couldn't see them clearly, as they were energy, going by.

"I can't be without you," he said.

"And I can't be without you," I said. "Where are we going?"

Everywhere, nowhere.

Although I can't exactly recall, he further said something: he was 'carrying a child, as a child carrying a child.'

"God is a child?" I asked.

"Pure. Innocence," I heard. "We are all a child, in our own way."

Santi hopped on my bed early in the morning, saying he was hurt. We tried getting a couple hours of snooze until having to rise for the day. After returning home from taking him to class, I worked on finalizing Part I of Book 1. However, I took myself to the bridge to see what was going on, following a break from editing.

The Divine God wasn't there and I crossed alone, and the bridge became thin, before there was no bridge. Buddha appeared all around. Quickly, I raced into the heavenly sky and sat.

"This is my final nirvana," I said.

"Yes, it is," Buddha replied.

Suddenly Buddha held a pink lotus flower, though white, light energy enfolded it. He passed the lotus to another Buddha next to him, alike passing a torch. The Buddha next to him gave the flower to the one beside him. There were roughly four Buddhas. The one nearby handed me the lotus. When it was in my hand, I had no one to pass it to. Buddha sat a little distance from me, and I kept observing the beautiful flower glimmering in my palm, then I ate it.

Abruptly, my form dispersed into purest white, pink lotus energy, and later I sat in a lotus position.

"She's it!" I heard Buddha say. "The true Bodhisattva."

Next, I reclined somewhere beneath a tree in the naked atmosphere. Buddha appeared, sitting across from me, and said, "The great Buddha."

"I am," I said.

A little animal came by, looking like a monkey. I tapped its head, then made a white lotus exist in my hand, giving it to the little one.

"Here you go, my love," I said.

More came, and I offered them the pure, white flower, as well as rubbing their heads. Then, I made lotuses manifest on the tree, and handed them to the lovely creatures.

"Your pure love will touch all," Krishna said from somewhere.

Momentarily, I was elsewhere, bestowing lotuses to people who stood along the road.

"Here you go, my love," I said to each person I offered the flower to.

"You're entering the unknown," Buddha informed while he was in midair, observing.

"I will become it," I responded, and continued giving.

"She's the fearless one," I heard him say.

Afterwards, I soared into the heaven and sat as Buddha. Next, I stood in front of a small, shallow pool of water and saw myself. I smiled.

Then I was elsewhere, skipping behind at least 12 Buddhist monks going somewhere. I noticed, as I walked, that golden energy circled each step I took. Thereafter, I went to rest on golden force and observed monks crossing a tiny passage made of stone, high above ground.

Lying with sparkly eyes, I grinned and instantaneously created golden light around their feet, then chuckled; however, they didn't notice. I even made pink lotus flowers grow as their walking path, yet they didn't see. I absorbed the bridge, causing it to disappear so they could stroll on untainted, perfect gold. Nevertheless, none of them was aware. Buddha immediately showed in the atmosphere above the monks.

"Help them!" he told me.

"Help them?" I said. "How do I help them?"

I was irresolute if they were open to a woman sharing insights, wisdom, and truth.

Just from where I was, I instantly took myself inside a Buddhist temple and sat in meditation before their arrival. They sat. Promptly, I recited: "Namo tassa bhargavato, arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato, arahato samma sambuddhassa.

Aware during my recitation that the only way I could help was through 'purest love and compassion.'

"The Awakened One!" I heard, once I finished. I opened my eyes.

A couple of days onward were unchanged, I was head over heels, seeing shiny stars, in love with Krishna that I wasn't sure what to do, and wanted to cry, as I was badly, unequivocally in love. This whole entirety became about him and I. Everywhere, everyone, and everything was he. At nighttime, I lay in bed listening to songs, missing him deeply although he was always with me. Even so, I missed and loved him, regardless. Looking at his pictures wasn't the same, not comparable to how he was with me and in myself, as my own breath.

Being immensely in love and all, I couldn't help but posted in one of social media groups, saying 'he was my heart, my Soul, my all.' In the morning, when the little boy was in class, I attempted to finish Memoirs of Aum, Book 1, and knew what I wanted for the cover. On my way to a new smoothie cafe, for a break, I noticed the moon through light clouds and remembered Krishna's words: that he would give me the moon, the sun, and the stars.

"You're the greatest God I ever known," I said. "The most perfect God I had ever seen with my eyes."

Midafternoon, I finished re-reading the rest of the chapters. Then I strode to the bathroom to put cancer treatment cream on the bump, and shortly got dizzy from it and lay on my bed, listening to a Buddhist chant. I shut my eyes, for a doze.

A vision developed, of walking a dog with a long black chain. It was nighttime, and I was at the dried-up ocean. I let the chain and the puppy go, but thought I should see how far the collar was on its neck. It was deep. Then I made a fire exist, and the pup sat by my side. I loosened the collar, and threw it into the flames.

"You are absolutely free," I said. "You can go whenever you want. I let everything go completely."

I got up walking then sighted a clear light akin to a small ball. Krishna showed before many images of him existed universally lying, and I watched. Momentarily I ascended, and it was the same: he was everywhere, reclining in a gold outfit, in golden air. Nonetheless, I kept upward until I really saw him.

"I love you without beginning or ending," I said. "I can't help my love for you. You are me so completely."

From there, I soared into the firmament before entering into golden vortex, to another realm. Immediately I recalled what Buddha had said.

It's the unknown. Thank you, Buddha.

As I traveled, I met the Divine God, as he was from one place to another in the atmosphere. There was one of him standing on a white bird, and on another great big white bird was Vishnu. This was the great unknown: the other side was no other than Krishna.

I flew, touring this dimension, and heard: "Supreme conscious."

Not too long, he approached.

"My love," I said. A large snowy bird sailed our way, and we hopped on it and rode together. He was behind, embracing me, and his arms around my waist.

"Where are we going?" I asked, then stopped asking, as it didn't matter anymore, as well there was no desire to know.

"Everywhere with you," he answered. "Never apart."

I turned around, facing him in disbelief. This was the great unknown, the most beautiful and perfect place. Never could I ever have realized this until I was here, as this, myself.

Out of meditation, I was greatly thankful for the pre-cancer or non-cancer bump on my cheek, which helped burned away any connections to form.

"Thank you so much, my love," I said.

At night, before bed, an image transpired of folding hands.

"God," I heard as I watched.

Momentarily, I found myself sailing free, between two walls, though they were of energy like walls, filling with light in dim unfilled space. Then I sped into the open heavens.

"I am the great unknown," I said. "I am the great unknown."

The following night, I dreamt being in the alley of my old house, talking to someone. A lady who was living at the old home stepped out, telling me that my late mom was in the house, even though she was dead. To see, I strode to the shabby front porch, having no desire to go in and check, and saw an image of my deceased mother watching TV. The image had me highly disturbed, scared, and woke up frantic from the dream. I breathed hard, like I was hyperventilating, and yelled for Krishna.

"I'm here, my love. Always with you," he said, and saw him invisibly embracing me.

In my life, I had always been fearful of ghosts, and thought of not sleeping, though I did fall asleep. I wasn't certain if my late mom entered my room, but I woke up suddenly, truly frightened, reminding myself not to fall asleep; yet I did so again. This time, I dreamt that the house was soaked with water, saturating the rug. I tried waking everyone who was sleeping in the house. My late father was also in the home; nevertheless, I alert him to witness water flooding the rooms.

I wasn't too confident regarding reasons for having this particular dream, in the morning.

Was it to deal with my fear of ghosts? Was my late mom still in me, another condition I needed to face?

A couple of days ago, Sean shared he was taking Santi camping. I'd be by myself, if they did. This was indeed frightening, as I didn't like being alone in the dark, and thought of really confronting this fear head on. It was a conditioning buried deeply, from growing up listening to ghost and spirit stories told by my sisters, brothers, grandparents, and villagers. Every time I watched horror movies, in the past, all the lights would be turned on in my room, or I'd ask my late father to sleep outside in the living room to help lessen my fears.

The following daylight, I tried creating a cover for Memoirs of Aum, Book 1 by drawing Aum symbol and Krishna's peacock feather below it. Even though I sketched the flute to add to the painting, I erased it. It didn't look like a flute; my drawing wasn't too nicely done. I thought of painting Aum sign in gold, but didn't. The thought left me too quickly. It was relaxing to paint, though I wasn't quite definite if this was the real cover. As I kept sketching, I understood that my canvases completely resembled those of a child; there was truly nothing to it: bare, lacking details.

Later, I headed upstairs to rest and was getting dizziness from the side effects of the anti-cancer cream. I wasn't able to snooze. A flash of strolling in dim atmosphere came. Shiva showed up, sitting. He was smoking marijuana cigarette; I went to sit by him. He handed me the smoke, though there was no desire, and I watched it for a second before I took it and inhaled a big puff, before blowing it through my nose and mouth.

"You're my descendant," he said.

"Yes, I am," I replied.

We sat in calming surroundings at night then he made water appear. He touched the water, and I dipped my feet into it. I splashed, laughed, and giggled, playing with it with my feet. Krishna revealed himself in empty air, observing.

"Such a child," he said. I pouted a bit, at being called a 'child' again.

"The most beautiful child I have ever seen!" Shiva shouted as he soared skyward and vanished. When the Gods left, I bounced, skipped, and hummed in the valley occupied with night stars and small trees. Then I sat. A pure white cow came by, and I massaged its head.

"Want to hear me play my flute?" I asked.

It sat, and I played. Afterwards, I thought I should sleep where I was, and lay down, gazing at the breathtaking nighttime heavens. Soon enough, I missed the Divine God. He immediately showed, lying across from me. He caressed my face.

"Such, such a child," he said. "Truly the purest I've ever seen."

"I am yours for all eternity," I said, before we were intimate.

Then I witnessed flawless golden light and made my way to it. Krishna followed.

"It's the purest gold I have ever seen," I uttered, and was speechless.

"It is you, now," he said. "You are this purest gold. It's all you now, my love."

I immersed myself into the light and became it. Then I found myself elsewhere, adoring Quan Yin in an immaculate white energy, holding the purest snowy lotus in her hand.

"Quan Yin." I said her name a few times and went to pick lotus floras with her, as everywhere was encircled by untouched air. She gave me the blossom, enclosed with energy of pure whiteness. Like previous, I ate it and blasted into the energy of spotless white light, holding the vibrant lotus. I wore the same outfit as she and had the hairstyle. She made an appearance.

"Quan Yin," she said, heading my way and watching me holding the lotus. She picked the flowers in the pond.

"Quan Yin," I said.

"Share it," she said. "It's a gift."

"I will," I said.

Then I saw a Tibetan Buddhist painting of a monk with his hands folded. Many folding hands emerged.

Next, I was observing a Buddhist monk surface from the ocean, pulling a big, glistening, golden Aum mark to shore. He hung it on the tree and it gently spun before it stopped. I realized this was the cover for my memoir. A peacock feather displayed through the symbol, then a flute with Krishna, who stood sideway, looking my way.

"I don't think I can draw him," I said, and he disappeared with only Aum, a peacock feather, and a flute in the picture.

I opened my eyes, pondering over finding an artist to assist with creating this.

Krishna, peacock feather, flute, and golden Aum symbol.

When I informed Sean in the evening, he conveyed that it could be done without having an artist. He would be able to compile it on a computer, after learning what I wanted. He later created an image of it on his computer, and showed me. It was similar to what I'd envisioned. Krishna's picture stood out.

"He is the most perfect God I've ever seen!" I said.

Close to bedtime amid enjoying a new drama, I pined for Krishna to where I just wanted to deeply weep. This love was beyond reasons, beyond anything imaginable. The energy of this affection seeped my veins, infiltrating my entirety completely. It was as if I only lived and breathed him, in all ways. This Godly love surpassed life and death itself. Jesus was right: I was immensely and greatly in love.

During the day, I'd smile to myself, in love and of this love very truly. Again, Krishna's energy was everywhere and anywhere, as well as in me. It was doubtlessly calming to love Self limitlessly, with no bounds. It was his birthday, thus I posted about him and I through social media. It was liberating to share and not be as nervous, exposing who I was, although I was a tint anxious, as now I'd come out openly. At night, I listened to romantic songs, beaming.

When closing my eyes, I found myself in his arms. He was utterly transparent enveloped by only energy and with no bottom.

"Is this our sanctuary?" I asked.

"It's our eternity," he replied, stroking my hair and touching my face, as I now lay on his lap. "Such a beautiful child. Truly the purest child."

We headed somewhere, although everywhere was him. Another copy of Krishna blew into the horn.

"It's a celebration," he said. "You made it."

"The Eternal Now," I heard.

We entered into an empty, dim area where there were only Gods in the heavens. The Eternal Now was nothing more than God. Krishna stood inflight, see-through. He called for me to go to him as I watched, transfixed solely on him. We headed elsewhere unknown, where there was only him. We made love.

"My Soul," I said, feeling his face. "My Soul. You're the absolute of me."

Momentarily, I sped into bare atmosphere. Shiva was transparent: in the sky, ground, and everywhere.

"I love you so truly, so completely, and so deeply, my love," I said with a bow. "You're my God, my Goddess."

I caused a tree to appear and went to sit under, before making a flute come to my hand.

"She's little God. A child," Shiva said, observing me. "The lineage of me!"

Ganesh showed up next to him. Shortly, I stood up, going to no identifiable location skipping and humming with a flute. Immediately, the Divine God became my walking route. He manifested all over, as my pathway. It moved me, and I dropped onto my knees.

"My love," I said. Pink lotuses emerged, then golden energy became my walking trail.

After Krishna and I made love this time, I said, "I devote my all to you. I devote all of me to you. You're the purest of me. You are the purest of who I am."

That night, I hardly rest as I was with him almost the entire time. It had been raining for three nights, the whole holiday weekend. Santi and I didn't do outdoor activities; only here and there, when it was sunny. His cousins came over to play with him later, so I was on social media. Inside, I was utterly calm.

After not getting enough sleep previous night, I relaxed amid the rain, in my bedroom. The tranquility, soft sounds of raindrops caused my eyes to be lazy and sleepy. My whole body was soothed, yet a vision materialized of walking into a dark alley covered with dimly light. Ahead was Buddha, though he was like a painting and held a white lotus flower with long stem in his hand.

"Divine love," I suddenly heard as I approached and took the immaculate, untouched flower from him. Instead of eating it, this time, I placed it upon my chest and it invisibly went through and sat inside my heart. I understood that this was the divine, purest love for Self, for all - the crown of my Soul.

Next, I was in a hall covered by indistinct air with Bodhisattva Buddha paintings hanging on walls. I didn't recognize the arts at first, though I had seen these pictures on the internet plenty of times. Treading down this passageway, I kept touching the portraits until Quan Yin showed up. She ran, and I followed, calling her a few times, then she stopped.

"You're a true Bodhisattva, now," she said, with her back towards me. "Do what needs to be done."

She referred to sharing my transformations in ways my heart would lead. She quickly vanished, though I located her, shortly, in a similar zone. She was in midair in pure, white energy, holding a big white lotus encircled with truest snowy, sparkly light. I approached and took the gleaming blossom from her. After a few seconds of observing, I swallowed it. Instead of dispersing like previously, the lotus glowed inside me.

However, I held the same one with both hands, but it had a beaming, glistening diamond in it. Its size was pretty big. Next, I got up and strolled in flawless mist and hummed before softly singing about shining my radiance.

Then, I was at a valley, occupied with faint energy and many people. As I trekked downward, they all looked my way. While I watched them, I let go of the flawless diamond lotus and gave it to the people. It floated towards everyone. They were in awe, and their mouths dropped, witnessing its magnificence. Suddenly I was deeply moved by what I was doing, and mixed with sadness, as I had given everything: my heart and Soul, thoughtlessly, to all: my pure, divine love. And now I was deeply self-less, with nothing at all.

"You sacrificed yourself for all!" Buddha shouted from somewhere, reminding me that the gift of enlightenment was to be shared; to be given away.

Following my observation, I was softened nearly to tears. I left, but found myself in front of a large, light ash, black Buddha statue. Still a shade sad, yet unspeakably joyful inside, I shed a tear and stepped up to lie in Buddha's palm.

In a moment, I took out a flute to play, as now I had none as to who I was: no home, no culture, no race, no class; just pure emptiness. Momentarily, Krishna showed, blowing his instrument as he headed in my direction. His presence deeply moved my whole, couldn't believe it. Here I was, with nothing, and he was the only God that would be with me.

"My God," I said, got up and headed to him. I met my forehead with his.

"You're my Soul. My Goddess," he said. "The true Goddess."

By 'true Goddess', he meant the one who sacrificed herself for all sentient beings, and loved all so purely, so truly, and bottomlessly. We lay down and a big pink lotus grew beneath us, as our bed. He caressed my cheek.

"You're the purest Soul," he went on. The true Goddess in me."

Later, I witnessed he and I in a golden expanse, consisted of wholesome golden essence, like a room, though with no roof, and in some ways, like a palace. Krishna was at every turn, as he was the room and the air. Sometimes I'd see his Universal form in the atmosphere, as well as the golden energy I lay on.

In a different vision, he descended, with white wings and shirtless; just golden pants. The wings disappeared into his shoulders.

"Beautiful strength," I said, realizing I was strong, now. One morning, it happened that I awoke too early. In only an hour I had to rise and help Santi get ready for school. A flash developed of Buddha's picture with his open palm carrying a pink lotus flower. Not wanting to meditate, I opened my eyes, although when I closed them, the same image of him arose.

"What does he want?" I asked, uncovering my eyes, then shut them, trying to get some sleep.

This time, I was inside the void and saw Aum sign flowing. I merged myself into it. Heading elsewhere, Shiva had shown everywhere. Next, I found myself emerging from water with trawl in my mouth and a basket full of fish. Momentarily, I let go of the water creature and dumped ones in the brown bamboo basket.

"I don't want anything," I said, heading toward land. "I never wanted anything in the first place."

Hulk appeared, watching, and I was going to the burn the river, though I didn't. There was no desire, so I was going to leave it as it was; however, Hulk yanked on the fishing net.

"We let go," I said to him. "We let everything go."

He left, although the Destroyer appeared sitting in inflight.

"I love you. You're my blood. The core of my being," I said, venturing to unknown point before entering a white room. However, as I entered, Krishna entered with me, as he was myself. Then I lay down and drew Aum while humming as Shiva sat and watched. Thereafter, I headed into the dim, hollow universe. The God of Destroyer reappeared, but he was in his warrior attire and held a trishul. Meanwhile I was holding a trident, just like him. I followed as he walked.

"If I have to go deeper, I will go deeper," I said, understanding that there was more, as the journey wasn't finished. Santi rushed into the bedroom, and I opened my eyes.

After refining the memoir, I relaxed my eyes wanting to get some rest the following day, and saw that Buddha's image, holding a pink lotus, was occurring again; although this turn, his image was brighter and I was unsure how to elaborate. I went up to it and gave hi-five; however, his figure got bigger and bigger until I was inside him completely. A wormhole manifested, and I plunged.

It got deeper and I had to take a few turns; however, I was going along with it. It seemed that inside me, there was nothing, and I wasn't disturbed. Whatever it was, it was. The vortex had yellow light mixed in it. It took some time to pass through. Then I flourished from water, once I made it. Sitting on shore and leaning against a small tree, I said, "I once was a yogi. I am always a yogi."

Shiva sat in the vacant sky, observing. I got up and ventured to the high mountain where I meditated for many years, living a life of an ascetic. I was there briefly, peering down, realizing there was no desire within even for the places I had been. Quickly, I was back by the river, leaning on a tree. The crescent moon sat on my mane and I kept touching it a few times, giggling like a little girl of having a precious ornament. Even more, there was nothing to who I was: I was without identity or destination.

"I am okay being a yogi," I said. "I am okay with it."

Then I observed the river.

"I love this river. People will swim in it and will celebrate and worship this river."

Shortly, I stood and said, "I gotta go somewhere," though there was truly nowhere to go, deeply aimless, as I was a yogi, wandering without purpose. The Destroyer sat, watching. Suddenly I was elsewhere playing patty cakes with a kid. Later I was at playgrounds, with few more children, playing 'ring around the rosy'.

When everyone fell, I said, "It's my turn, it's my turn."

The following day, I contacted an insurance agent, requesting to change my primary provider because it hadn't gone through. I expressed my frustration regarding the situation, although this insurance representative reassured that it would take effect, and to give it time. It had been months, though the situation was unchanged; however, now there was no desire in me. Whether I got to go see the doctor or not, it didn't matter. However, I conveyed my grievances to many insurance representatives. It appeared that I was like wind that blew anywhere and everywhere, with no known endpoint.

At sunrise, I rose early and saw myself in the jungle wearing a beige skirt, swinging on a long vine like Jane.

"I am true Self," I shouted. Then Tarzan swung by.

"Don't tell me: that's Krishna," I said, beaming. I opened my eyes, though soon closed them.

This time I was drinking a smoothie in the kitchen. The slushy slipped down my throat and became alive.

"She's drinking us. She loves us," they said, bringing brightness to my face. They toured my inside, though there was nothing to see.

"She's all space," they continued. "It's all space."

They headed upward and saw Vishnu reclining; holding the globe, helping me realize that in 'pure emptiness,' there was only God.

"It's the God of Maintainer," they commented.

"Are you guys super smoothies or something?" I asked, adoring them. They swam higher, witnessing the golden abode of Krishna and I.

"It's where she and Krishna stay," they gushed. "She's Goddess Shiva."

Shivas were in the cloudless climate on both sides. Next, I found myself strode on a trail I usually take walks in the neighborhood close to sundown. The flowering bush smiled as I passed by.

"She sees us," it said. This made me stop and went to it.

"Of course, I do, my love," I said, loving it truly and deeply, as my Soul was full with immaculate, untouched affection. "The most beautiful flower I've ever seen. Thank you so much for your fragrance, my love. You smell so beautifully. I love it so much."

I continued, and the grass commented, "She smiles at us."

"I love you so deeply, my love. You're the best grass I ever touched," I said, putting my hands gently over it. The ground also uttered that it was happy for me to walk on it, which caused me to halt.

"Can I walk on you, my love? Is that okay? Thank you so much, my love. Thank you so much," I said, treading on it. Then, I knelt, touching dirt. "You're the most beautiful, my love. Truly the most beautiful, I love you with no end."

I got up, walked, skipped, bounced, and hummed. Instantly, the sky, clouds, trees, grass, and ground hummed, danced, and swayed to my tune. Everything came alive.

"Oh my gosh," I said, moved, falling on my knees. Krishna revealed himself, in formless form in the firmament.

"Heaven and Earth dance for you!" he shouted. "Love sings for you! Existence celebrates you! I praise you!"

"Krishna," I said softly.

"You're the only Goddess in me," he said. An image of him making my favorite new place of smoothies appeared, and the show I had been awaiting premiered sooner than I had to wait.

"Thank you so much, my love," I said, then saw myself among people at Santi's school. They all bowed. True Self was always awakened. I opened my eyes.

When Santi was in his classroom, I treaded home. The wind brushed my skin.

"I love you," I said to Krishna. He invisibly immediately came and grabbed my hand.

"And I love you," he said.

Then, I told the earth, grass, and trees how much I appreciated and loved them. They spoke to me, no different than in my mediations. I was one.

Once talking to insurance staffs to my change GP a week ago, it was a beginning of a new month, and my primary care provider still hadn't altered on the website, in order to print out a new card. I wasn't positive of what to do - the appointment to see a dermatologist was just a couple of days away. Then the dermatology office called, saying the same: they might have to cancel the month-awaited appointment due to an inconsistency with the general practitioner despite that the insurance was going to cover the cost. So, I spoke to the referral department again, briefing over the same issues. It was disheartening how they would take my appointment off when the coverage was effective. My suggestion was to have a conference call with the insurance and the doctor's office to verify the information. Inside, I was running out of gas, not only with this, but with everything else, too. Surprisingly, I managed to gather enough energy to express myself, even though there was hardly anything within. I was vacant, void.

When Sean was home from work, we discussed it. It didn't make sense why the dermatology office would do this when the insurance was going to pay, and this information had been relayed on plenty of occasions.

"Maybe I can file a grievance," I said. Sean was supportive, though he asked why. My response was that it wouldn't happen to other patients; however, there wasn't a reason behind what I did. I just did it. Even though I expressed this or that, there wasn't anything to it. Nothing was attached.

Then, I listened to what was going on internally and how I could understand myself from the situations I created, as I needed to get something from this. It occurred to me that I could do whatever I wanted. There were no limits to what I could do: I could do everything and anything. Without attachment, I was boundless.

After the drama I watched ended until the next day, new episodes would be uploaded. I switched everything off and shut my eyes. A flash of spectating a tiny ball of beaming light befell. The light reflected everywhere; I trailed it. Krishna arrived, in golden crown, without shirt and golden pants, though it seemed it was just a painting of him. Though I followed the light, yet he was there, next to me.

"He's my heart and Soul," I said. We flew on the road, witnessing people living in villages and strolling on the streets at night.

"Wow," I marveled, able to see everything and anything.

"I am unseen, seen," I said, and continued flying, tailing the beaming ball. Krishnas showed in the air. "Come with me, my love. Let's do everything together."

Since we couldn't be apart, we sailed alongside each other, witnessing ourselves in various forms.

In my dreams, I was making fuss over my sister wanting to borrow money, even though she was the one who worked, and I was unemployed, without any. Her request was unbelievable, after I'd informed her that I had to take out money from my bank to treat the kids when I baby sat them. So, I went around the house and down the alleys of friends and neighbors, making a commotion, but similarly, inside, there was really nothing to it. Someone offered me a cookie with white cream on it.

"My weakness," I said, and took a taste, but it gave me a slight headache and confusion. Then, I headed along a passageway where everyone was eating, and someone handed me chips. I refused. It wasn't appetizing. I reached a table where friends were eating. I stopped, brought out my smartphone. The battery was nearly dead: it was at only 2%; then only 1% was left. Even though I was going to charge it, though I was with what was occurring at that moment, and either had forgotten about it, or it didn't matter.

At sunrise, I became aware that my desire was closely dead. After the little guy ran into his kindergarten classroom, I returned home and sipped aromatic coffee. Supposedly, that morning, I would be on a conference call; however, there was nothing to it, any longer. Whether there was one or not, it didn't matter. If the appointment was cancelled, it was the same: empty.

I reread the manuscript instead. However, I thought about gathering any desire remained and draining out the battery, but it was too quiet inside. In a moment, the doctor's office called, saying the appointment was on. They'd contacted the insurance company, and everything was good to go, so I was happy.

Later, I hopped in the shower to get ready. The appointment was in a few hours. My friend called, informing she wanted me to pick up her daughter at school, in a month. She had to go into the city to test for citizenship. She was reminded to alert of this when the day got closer, as I'd forget. She asked if I wanted to go do yoga, but I declined. There was no desire in me. She suggested using it as a meditation session, yet I was meditation as well as yoga itself: everything and anything.

Afterwards, I shut my eyes to relax. A flash arose of standing in the dark, in a burnt-down boulevard. The road was damp, as it was just done raining. The blue God came, riding on a cow, while I stood, watching. He reached for my hand, pulling me up. Instead of having my back towards him, I sat facing him closely with legs circled his waist. He was about 12-years-old and pure white air encircled him.

"Go with me," he said.

"I always go with you," I said, and gently rested my head on his shoulder. Images of him in the atmosphere with light appeared, as well as in front of me. Hence, I touched him; however, it was like the pages of a book, as though they were energy taking over the entire street. One by one, I opened each page that they were of him. Krishna, who was riding with me, became all energy. When I stopped flipping sheets, he reappeared, and I placed my head on his shoulder.

"There's no one else for me, just you," I whispered.

We rode further into a dead avenue, where houses were virtually destroyed or in ruins. He dismounted, and I did, too. Amid inspecting the zone, there was no wish inside me to be there. We headed into a torn-up shed. The roof was nearly open, the walls were cracked, and the floor was of large and tiny holes and cracks. He lay down, whereas I relaxed on his chest, realizing now that possibly I had grown from a child to a teenager. An Indian peacock strode into our room and I sat, admiring it by rubbing its soft feathers. A feather fell in my hand, and I decorated on Krishna's turban. Then, clear gold light displayed through a hole in the barrier, and the roof. Krishna's Universal form revealed above us, and everywhere became light.

We stepped to the front of the porch. I stooped to touch the ruins.

"You love yourself," he commented.

"Yes, so truly," I responded.

We hopped on the cow, and I sat in the same position. Golden Buddha exhibited in the air, reclining. In the surrounding was him, in brilliant gold force. Another of Buddha manifested just a bit higher in golden essence, reflecting, with an open palm akin to a Tibetan monk, and very close to the paintings of him. Light golden and luminous halos circled him, deeply breathtaking. I launched upward and met my palm with his.

"My beloved," I said.

Then I became Buddha and stood watching myself on the other side. I almost choked in tears, witnessing the identical bright golden halo, illuminated on my side, in disbelief, as there was no difference in who I was to Buddha now.

"You're so beautiful," I said. "Truly magnificent."

Deeply moved, I returned and rode with Krishna.

"Buddha is you," he said.

"Yes," I replied.

The meditation scene alternated to where I was walking behind a woman with her a child. Although I couldn't see the mother's face, a child ran to grab onto her mother's dress, as if she was either shy or afraid.

"Come here," I said with my arms wide. The toddler ran into my arms. He or she was baby Krishna, with curly hair, adorned with beautiful gold jewelry on arms and legs, with a peacock feather on her hair. I lifted her up.

"You are so healthy," I said, full of admiration and love. "Chubby cheeks, chubby legs, chubby arms."

We strolled as I held her close, with deep fondness. Krishna appeared in the spotless climate, reclining in his gold outfit. He stretched his hand to stroke my hair.

"So, so lovely," he said. "My wife."

"My husband," I said, and continued adoring the innocent one.

"My heart. My Soul. She is in all ways Me," he said.

"And you are in all ways me," I said. "I am yours for all eternity."

"And I am yours," he said.

The baby and I rested a little, then I held her high and snuggly hugged her, with my eyes closed in love.

"She's in love with Me; with herself," Krishna continued. I opened my eyes.

It was beautiful, that day, to drive out of town to attend the appointment, but partly cloudy. The best was leaving the house and city, as I hardly go anywhere, although going somewhere or not anywhere became the same, with not much difference.

Once my information was verified with the receptionist, I sat waiting with my eyes shut and my head against the wall. The assistant called, and I entered the doctor's room to wait. He saw the mole, informing it wasn't anything serious, and asked if I wanted to remove it. I agreed, though I also suggested prescribing a cream to treat it. He shared that wasn't necessary. It took less than 3 minutes to eliminate the dark brown bump. Tests results from biopsy came back a week later indicating that it was inflamed.

"You're a beautiful girl," the dermatologist said. "But look at you now: you're even more beautiful."

He handed me the mirror. The raised skin was gone, as if it hadn't been there in the first place. Joyfully, I thanked him for his assistance and even gave him a hug, telling him he was the best.

On my drive home, the yellow, tall flower bushes, along with the greeneries and trees, bowed.

"Oh, my love," I said, softened by this. "Thank you."

The Divine God showed in the blue sky, formless, just like how it was in meditation.

"My love. We waited," I said, referring for the bump to be taken out.

"We waited," he said. "This is okay, too."

Blue, gray, and white clouds added to my relaxing drive on this beautiful journey. I smiled with utmost appreciation.

"Thank you so much, my love," I said to Krishna, who was making everything exist as I drove. "They are so beautiful."

The tunes that played on the radio featured him singing. Some of the songs, I rolled my eyes at, shaking my head.

Santi noticed a dressing on the side of my cheek. He embraced me and told to take good care of the wound in order for it would heal.

"Okay, my love," I said, and kissed the little cutie, having missed him most of the day.

Before bed, a vision occurred of walking into the dermatology clinic. It seemed as if I had been there, though I hadn't been. Everything was familiar, including shapes and forms of the construction of the building, along with the people. Everything and anything were myself. The receptionists and the assistants, as well as the doctor, were no other than Self, everything and anything at all. I was the unseen, seen.

Sean and Santi were excited: they planned to go camping that weekend. Not wanting to miss out camping with my only son for the first time, I decided to join them, although I'd been thinking of staying home and confronting my fears of ghosts.

It was moderately cold for an outdoor sleep, though Santi and his friend enjoyed their first camping adventure, in the town's forest preserve. We hiked when Sean set up tents and made a bonfire. Many campers relished their evening, touring the side of a peaceful lake. The fishermen caught plenty of fish and the kids were curious; we watched them. They were asked to be very quiet, so the fishermen could catch more in the lake.

The following weekend, we did the same, camping where we did the first time. This round, I picked a spot away from the restroom. I used the woods as my toilet, or crouched in nearby area. My friend used the bathroom. If someone was to walk by while I squatted on ground, using it as my restroom, it wouldn't do anything. My shyness had faded. However, this weekend of an outdoor expedition was slightly different.

Almost right away, I sighted a man by himself when we checked into our lot. A feeling of anxiety over getting hurt surged through. He was without a doubt a loner; someone who was unlike the rest, and I watched him. He carried about chit chatting to other campers then returned to sit in his chair, staring. Mosquitoes swarmed the zone like flies. Our clothes, hair and skin were sprayed to repel the bloodsucking insects.

As Sean set up tents, I spoke of my fears of the man sitting alone in his area.

"He's fine," Sean said.

After I took the kids trekking on previous paths, we returned, passing where the man stationed. I greeted him. He had a short mustache with a beer belly, and food stained his whiskers. Later in the night, it was different: compassion exuded my core and I wondered if he had food to eat, and if he needed more woods to burn, as I'd witnessed him going into the forest to find a couple of dead logs.

"Maybe he doesn't have food," I said to Sean, wanting to share ours. It was dark and he proceeded sitting, without a bonfire, gazing blankly. "Maybe we can give him some woods, too."

"He's fine," Sean reiterated. "Don't give away our food."

He might be hungry.

I glanced his way with utmost compassion _._

I hope everything is fine, my love.

Before bed, my caring for the loner developed, and I sincerely hoped he had enough to bite and was staying warm. My compassion overflowed, to where I wasn't sure what to do. It was as if I left my body and went to hug him formlessly.

"I love you, my love," I said, embracing him. "I hope you're okay."

Deep in the night was another tale, now I was scared of him coming to our tent. Hearing nuts drop from the trees was frightening: sounded like someone's footsteps. Then I got up and zipped our tent all the way so Santi and his friend wouldn't be cold. Despite wanting to go use the restroom, I stayed put, scared. Fortunately, my friend couldn't sleep; she asked if I wanted to take a trip to the toilet with her. We tinkled near the tent instead.

At 3 am, I was still anxious he might lurk near and watch us by standing outside. Now, I needed to dissolve this distress, and just like anything else. I allowed all fears to creep through and be with it: anything associated with getting murdered or someone standing and watching while we were inside the shelter, or whatever else. Thereafter, I took Santi to go use the bathroom.

In the morning, we got up early. The man was still sleeping. Everything inside me was clear. Mosquitoes roamed us, and we sprayed.

Within, I was continuously in love with Krishna. He was no more than my breath; my air. Sometimes it was excruciatingly intense, to be in this indescribable love. Every music tune was about this romance, and every song I heard was featuring him singing to me. Jesus was right: I was 'in love', though never could I fathom of such affection that was beyond all reasons, senses, and judgments.

In meditation, I stood in front of ultra-golden light portal, and I dove in. Instead of sliding through, I slid straight down. Jesus sat in his white outfit with approximately ten lit candles around, in the dark. The ground was light sand or white dust. He was doing something, so I went by him. Close to ten baby arms reached up from underneath. I moved to the other side of him and did something similar to what he was doing, though I couldn't recall what.

"You are a child," he said.

"Yes, I am," I replied, accepting myself readily, without thought. I opened my eyes. Sometimes when Krishna appeared, I'd tell him that he was 'my Soul,' and that I devoted my all to him. One morning, I woke quite early, after falling asleep during my subtitled series. Once, I criticized the drama for its slow pace and lack of martial arts scenes but caught myself.

"I'm sorry, my love," I said to Krishna; he made the show premiere earlier than the release date. Also, whoever I criticized, I'd be criticizing him, as he was all; or criticizing myself, although there was nothing behind what I said. No detail or agenda.

In another flash, I was in faint haze, carrying a rod, saying, "I want no more. I absolutely want no more. I completely have no more desire."

It was now to the 'absolute.'

Then I found myself trekking behind monks as they headed unknown destination early in the morning, in lifeless atmosphere. As they walked in a line, I'd go look around, not curious or anything. I just went about and observed whatever was, without any thought at all. I'd do things purposelessly, like lifting my foot for no apparent reason. Then I'd put it down. I'd do things without cause, meaning or goal. Yet, I was truly conscious and greatly aware of it all.

However, one afternoon, I missed Krishna completely that it was taking up my whole. I stopped editing and headed to lie on my bed. When I closed my eyes listening to romantic songs, I witnessed myself standing in front of Buddha.

He sat under one big tree, bounded by other trees, with birds and butterflies flying. The location was like paradise. When I sighted a precious little brown deer, and I chased it, along with whatever was there, laughing.

"The Perfect One," Buddha said.

Then I was elsewhere in darkness, holding a golden staff. Again, Buddha appeared all over, though the only air I breathed was Krishna, and I missed him heavily, falling on my knees. Gradually, I got up and headed elsewhere, though Buddha showed, sitting with his palm raised. I was unsure why Krishna didn't come around, meanwhile I loved him undeniably; however, I went to sit in front of Buddha and lifted my right hand and opened my palm.

"Your heart is God," he said.

He and I sat with our hands raised for moments before I was in pure white energy, collapsing on my hands and knees and loving Krishna so deeply, so immensely. My core was all He. Then, I stood, walking elsewhere, and encountered Buddha sat below a tree in the open.

The sun gently shone. Small streams calmly flowed. He got up, grabbed a sparkly clean white plate, and dipped it beneath water, then wiped it with a drape that was over his shoulder, from his saffron. He took another and did the same thing. I headed to sit next to him and grabbed a plate, placed it under aqua, and dried it. He took another, and I got another. We put stainless dishes to wash and clean.

"So simple," he said.

"So simple," I said, then suddenly cried, realizing this was all what I reduced to. "I am so, so simple. I am so truly simple."

He wiped his sweat across his forehead, and I wiped mine. He headed sit under a lush tree with a stack of untainted dishes next to him while I was in tears of joy and disbelief.

"What do I do? What do I do with all this? What do I do?" I asked, on my knees, holding the golden staff with golden rings. Now that my entirety all narrowed to simplicity, a child, where doing and not doing and going and not going became one and the same: only pure love, compassion and contentment, without stains, untouched.

"Show others," he said before he vanished.

Next, I was in flawless light, though the sky was dim, and suddenly, approximately seven Bengal tigers heading my direction.

"The Fearless One," I said, and ran towards the magnificent creatures. We rolled and chased each other and then I rode on one.

"She's the love in me," Krishna said, as he was this untainted, untouched consciousness itself, whereas Buddha was airborne, observing.

"Truly the Perfect One," Buddha said.

When I spotted the crescent moon, I hugged it, telling it how much I loved it, as if it was my own Soul.

I uncovered my eyes, and rested a bit before getting Santi, shortly. I was a little early, thus I leaned on the tree, watching for him coming out of class. Some students were already let off.

"How are you?" I asked the tree. "How are you doing, my love?"

"Are you talking to me?" it or he asked excitedly. Krishna appeared, standing on the other side in a gold garment and his golden crown, holding a flute. His presence virtually had me crying.

"I miss so much today," I said, thought it wasn't just that day, but all the time.

Santi looked for me; I went to fetch him. He was happy that he was going to the Children's Museum. He wanted to play outside with water, when we arrived. Still in the same shape, hopelessly in love, I put on the Thai songs I had been listening to amidst Santi playing. Hardly anyone was there. Then I played with my hair, as the wind blew it gently over my cheek. It was getting very long again, yet I had no desire to go get it trimmed. Through my hand was Krishna's hand, stroking my long black hair together.

"The most beautiful Goddess I've ever seen," he said.

At night it was unchanged: my whole was the Divine God.

"I am only for you," I said a few times.

An image of being in a pure white room occurred. My physical was all white: only my eyes were black. Then I approached Krishna, though my feet and wrists were in chains. I wasn't certain why this was the case, as I hardly had attachments; however, Krishna sat on a white seat, and he was in chain. Down on my knees, I observed the Magnificent God.

"I am bound to you," I said instantly. "I am tied to you; linked to you."

The chains vanished. He strode to sit on a white swing as if it was hung from a tree. I got up to go sit next to him, and we were together on it before I was on my knees in front of him.

"I am no one, now," I said. "I am yours completely."

Until then, I didn't completely comprehend that it was only when I was deeply empty, no one at all, unimportant that I was his, in full. Other copies of him and I held hands as I sat against him, watching ourselves. A golden portal was directly from them; he grabbed her hand and walked through together.

"They are with one another eternally," Krishna said.

We came to the other side. Krishna, who held my hand, wasn't there; except the one who waited. He wore golden pants, without a shirt, and his crown was much taller. He resembled both Vishnu and Krishna, and was truly handsome. He headed my way carrying a gleaming, golden ring that its luminosity covered the entire expanse. Its reflection was unimaginably magnificent to where one would shield their eyes from its ultra-rays. He put the ring on my left finger as if it was another marriage for us.

"It's the most beautiful ring you ever gave me," I said, staring at it.

"The true princess," he said. "My true Goddess. I love you always."

He soared into the sky, formless, and I flew right after him. Undoubtedly, I wanted to make love to him, but he soared everywhere, as well as he was the entire existence itself. A Buddha golden statue reclined. I flew to inspect, though it turned out to be Buddha himself. He was immensely big.

"This is limitless!" I shouted, gliding in the atmosphere that had no end. "This is so limitless; truly limitless."

A couple of nights onward, I was making love to Krishna, unable to grasp he wanted to be with me since before I was born and had loved me deeply 'ever since'. As we were making love, he said, "The child in you."

"The child in me?" I said.

"It is truly delicate. The most perfect," he elaborated. It was if he was very into it.

"Then it's yours, my love," I said. "Anything that is me is yours. I give my all to you. I devote my all to you. All of me is you. I am true Self."

The family and I prepared to go to an aquarium in the big city, that weekend. A few people received my text message regarding it. A couple of people thought it would be crowded, especially that it was free. Many museums were without cost for approximately a month long, so it wouldn't be as busy; however, some insisted that it would, and didn't want to go. Yet, I informed them that it wouldn't.

We took the train, as usual. The conductor informed the passengers to flip the seats back: people who put their seats facing each other. The train would be full, shortly. Sean suggested we turn over our benches; however, I refused. It was nice to relax my legs onto another.

"You'll get yelled at," he said.

"No, I won't," I said.

"Why?" he continued.

"Because I say he won't, then he won't," I replied.

The conductor returned to inspect, but he didn't say anything to us, and carried on to the next car. He came again later to ensure everything was alright, and said nothing. I flipped the bench, as the train was getting more passengers. However, we were nearing our destination before many passengers boarded.

My friend once more claimed that it was going to be very packed at the museum despite we printed our tickets ahead of time. We might have to wait in a long line. She was reminded that it wouldn't be. A few of them shared their horrible experiences of waiting for hours to get in, especially when it was bitterly cold outside. The fact was: if the line was long, then it was long. If it was short, then it was short. There was nothing to it. Inside, I wasn't affected by this or that. Whether we really got to the museum or did something else, it'd have been fine either way. More and more, I was just a flow, not really arriving to any destination or point.

"People will go somewhere else, to different museums," I said with a gentle grin.

She laughed. When we arrived at the aquarium's entrance, there was hardly a line. We gave our tickets to the staff at the door, and entered without delay. Then we ran into a friend who had taken a car instead of the train. They got to the location earlier, informing us they were going to another museum soon. It was busy, though it wasn't overly crowded. We got to enjoy what was there.

Everything I saw (beluga whales, dolphins, sharks, and other sea creatures), I thanked Krishna for, telling him I was grateful and loved everything that he was.

We listened to the aquarium staff sharing information on sharks. Santi was excited, like many children that were present. A few youngsters asked questions relating to this marine fish, and he'd say "good question". When I asked him, he quickly switched off the microphone to answer. His action caused me to smile. He relayed that the sawfish was the biggest one they had, yet no one had seen it that day (or it hardly come by). Promptly, the sawfish glided freely, swimming above us. Santi and Sean were in awe, as I was, too. It was a unique fish indeed. Although I shook my head; it was the God with the flute.

"Thank you, my love," I said. "I love you as everything. All of it."

"You love me so much," he said.

"So indescribably," I uttered.

In meditation, I found myself watching water flowing over different little black color rocks. Small statues of Buddha filled every corner. In front was his large figure. Wherever I strode, Buddha was there. Then I found myself in front of a running creek. Buddha sat tall.

"I don't know what to do," I said, with sadness now that everything was wrapping up. He didn't say anything. I gathered a few stones, throwing them into the water. The creek morphed into a waterfall, and I slid down it with my hands in the air.

"Woo hoo!" I said.

"A child," Buddha said.

Then I swam before lying above it, letting the sun radiate on me. Momentarily, a big black shadow slowly glided over. I lay unmoved, undisturbed. It got very close, peering at me. It was Buddha, though his face was also my own. The shadow vanished.

"I am so, so awake," I said. "I am so awakened."

Little later, I treaded in the sky, mumbling.

"There's nowhere, for me. I don't have anywhere to go. There's no more."

I arrived upon a tiny creek with no flowing stream, located small rocks, and collected them.

"He loves me. He loves me not," I said, and laughed, with one hand covering my mouth. It became a game. "He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not."

And I laughed each time I lined a stone. This was for Krishna. My love for him profoundly arose and he was observing high in the firmament, formless, as he really couldn't be seen. Afterwards, I napped. He extended his shapeless hand to rub my mane.

When I woke, I had a few green leaves and threw them into the water, one by one.

"I love him so deeply," I said. "He is the only God in me."

Shortly, I catnapped. Krishna did the same, stroking my hair and touching my face.

"Such a child," he said. "So lovely. My Goddess."

The next day, my sister invited us to a Fall Festival at her church. Santi always enjoyed being with his cousins, so I took him, even though I was tired from the expedition. A couple of my friends were there, and I invited another friend. She joined us with her daughter. When it was over, the kids were interested in playing at the church's playground. My friend's daughter walked back and forth, and I was going to ask if she needed to use the restroom, nevertheless the thought left quickly. In a minute, the little one returned, telling my friend she needed to 'potty'.

My friend shared what her daughter mentioned.

"La, she said that I chose her to be my daughter, and Santi chose you," she disclosed.

"She's right," I said. "She chose you."

"What about me? Did I choose her?" she asked.

"Yes, you choose each other," I replied.

Then I informed of possibly not coming back another lifetime. My desire was gone; however, my love and compassion for Self was immeasurable. If I wasn't returning, the only thing left was expanding.

In pure emptiness, all was God, Self, pure consciousness and great awareness, pure intelligence, the here and now, the Eternal Moment. Even trudging home one day, everything hummed to my tune. The trees, ground, sky, and birds, along with everything else, sang to the same song, as one sound. The love was powerful; though I reminded myself I was able to handle it.

"What's that?" she asked. "Emptiness?"

"Everyone is you. The whole Universe is you," I explained. Her daughter interrupted, and I didn't finish.

Many mornings, now, the young boy would wake early and come to my cozy bed. Usually, I tried meditating to fall back asleep.

A vision of myself as Shiva came to me. I had porcelain skin with king cobras around my neck, though unsure if I was holding a trishul, this time, or the staff. Shiva appeared in the atmosphere in the same complexion, yet he was shapeless. Then Krishna's Universal form reflected ahead, transparent. I was hopping and humming, and was eating something. Shiva stretched his hand down to touch me, but his hand went through, as though he was touching air.

"My lineage," he said.

For some time, I was in this atmosphere with Shiva in silence and Krishna's Universal form. Everything was see-through, with specks of golden light. Amid being in front of the Destroyer, I waved my hand through him and then through myself. Continually I was doing this, and then it became a game. Instantly, I flew to Krishna and lay on top of him.

"My Goddess," he said.

In the following meditation, Krishna and I were heading somewhere.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"The Land of Love. Nirvana," he said.

Soon, we reached an arena where there were many Buddhist monks in an open valley. Some were trekking up the small hill and some were going down. Krishna and I stood aside, watching.

"Help those who want help," he suggested, which meant the ones who were open. "Your heart is true, purest. I'm with you all the way."

As monks came and go, I hung on to Krishna's shoulder as if I was dragging as he walked. Then went in front of him and jumped into his arms. Shortly, we were where Buddha was the entire land, see-through. Along his shoulders and all the way down were of white lotus petals. To witness the pure, lotus blossoms gleamed, akin to lights at night was incomparable. Krishna and I stood on air, observing. Even when peering deep, there was only Buddha.

"Your depth," he said. My depth and depthless-ness was Buddha. Nirvana. Enlightenment. Peace. Love. Compassion.

"I am this itself," I said, and immediately falling on all fours, moved by it. "I am this itself. I am all this itself."

I was saying repeatedly, as if it was a chant. Then I found myself in an open field and saw a small white church with a white cross on top of it. Soft black and white clouds moved gently.

"Beautiful," I said.

Abruptly I stood in front of an endless white cross at a cemetery, realizing at that very moment that it was my own graveyard. Never did I deeply comprehend how immaculately peaceful and calming it was to leave forms behind. Then I was in the dimly lit light, standing, facing Quan Yin. She was completely beautiful and pure.

A couple of mornings, I noticed a little sadness in me. It was now to where there was truly nowhere for me to go, no one to be, and nothing much to speak of. My inside and outside became one and the same. There was no more high or low. Everything became an instant moment. Night and day was all one, and I didn't even notice much, only little, whichever, simply for being-ness.

On one occasion in meditation, I was able to see myself, nonetheless I was formless. Before, I was unseen completely, and now that I was unseen, yet could be seen.

Within, I was unsettled and nervous. I was all over the map. When alone in my room for before bed, I said: "There's no more 'me.' There's more 'I', completely. There's no more low. There's no more high. It's done. There's nothing."

It was hurtful to abandon everything, dying away from identifications and forms. It seemed I lived for nothing. Amidst my eyes closed, I was in pain. Krishna appeared in dark haze as I lay holding my chest in distress. He was with Radha, which added to salt to my wounds.

"I am so hurt," I said. "I am so hurt. I am so hurt. I am so, so hurt."

Not wanting to face him, I rolled the other way until he faded.

In my dream, I was Shiva, muscular with matted hair. My skin tone was white ash, and I stood on a polluted river, about to destroy it. The river wept in a woman's voice, pleading for mercy. The many-tailed snake attempted to whip me down, but I levitated in midair and its tails went through my transparency.

"Please, Lord Shiva! Don't destroy us!" she begged. Many creatures in the river were afraid, swimming anxiously, as their home was close to be destructed.

"How do I get rid of water?" I pondered, pacing. "Water and oil."

Nonetheless, I absorbed the aqua by extending my hand, sucked the entire waterway in my palm, whereas I sat inflight. There wasn't anything left except parched land, afterwards.

"Ganges River," I heard.

Then I let the water back to how it had been, though now it was refreshed and cleansed. The river was refined, with liveliness in it. All living things in the water became very happy and thankful. They sang praises and bowed.

"I destroy to renew," I said, with only love and compassion.

During the day, my patience was short, and I wanted to be alone. Something was going on, with changes transpiring, although I was not confident of what they truly were. I was on social media frequently, as a distracting tool. Santi was sick early in the week and he was very clingy, wanting my care often. It was challenging to get opportune time to myself, to introspect. If he was with his grandparents or with Sean, I'd be editing memoirs.

At night, I closed my eyes trying to understand the inner changes. Immediately, I found myself strolling in dimness carrying either a trishul or staff.

"There's no more for me. There's no more at all," I mumbled.

Next, I saw the Divine God; however, I spun away from him, still hurt inside. Everywhere I went, he was there, until I was alone, wandering aimlessly and purposelessly.

"Leave her alone," someone told Krishna. It could be Vishnu.

"She's me!" he yelled, watching me walk sullenly.

Shortly, I encountered Buddha sitting in darkness. His halo was beaming. I sat in front of him, and my halo glowed.

"Your frequency. Your sound will spread everywhere," he informed.

Instantly, I chanted "Om" for a long time, sending my frequency. My inside was calmer. Then I was sitting in front of Shiva. His palm was raised, so I lifted my right hand and opened my palm.

"You are me," he and I said immediately, as if One was saying it.

"The Destroyer. The Maintainer and the Creator," he said.

"The Destroyer. The Maintainer and the Creator," I repeated.

"The Destroyer. The Maintainer and the Creator," he said.

"The Destroyer. The Maintainer and the Creator," I repeated. This carried on a few more times.

"All three," he said.

"All three," I said.

Momentarily, I was on the small boat at night. A good-sized fish swam by, and I snatched it. This time, I didn't let it go, and thought of cooking it. In the kitchen, I skinned the fish and slash it into pieces and put the slices in the boiling pan.

"Letting go is brave," Krishna said. So, this was what was happening inwardly: 'letting go'.

A cat appeared, and I gave the fish bones for the furry one to eat. Not wanting the cat to get hurt by the pointy skeletons, I made them less sharp. Buddha sat higher, watching.

"Letting go is the most beautiful thing," he said.

After finished with the soup, I walked in fading light, and found a good-sized rock and retired on it. A pink lotus popped in my hand, and I broke its petals.

"He loves me," I said, sad. "He loves me not. He loves me. He loves me not."

Some of the petals, I ate. "Is he even mine? Is he even mine anymore?"

Krishna's image with Radha surfaced, provoking deep distress within.

"Was he ever mine?"

Afterwards, I doze off on the boulder. As usual, he caressed my lengthy black hair.

"Such a lovely child," he said. "The most beautiful child I've ever seen."

When I woke, I wandered elsewhere. The Destroyer arrived, then Hanuman. Hanuman was playing catch while Shiva sat. I sat by him. Then Krishna appeared in the vacant atmosphere, but I didn't glance his way, still aching.

"She loves him. She loves him not," said Hanuman. "She loves him. She loves him not."

He paused and waited before he went on: "She loves him."

Swiftly, I was alone, treading in empty space. Krishna showed up from behind, but I was quiet.

"I am yours," he said.

"Yeah? How much?" I asked and kept walking.

"In all ways, I am yours truly," he answered.

In the early morning, subsequently using the restroom, I found myself lying in Krishna's arms in my meditation. We made love.

"You and I are one," I said during our lovemaking. "Truly, you and I are one."

He's my yang.

"I love you," he said. "For all eternity, you are mine."

"And for all eternity, you're mine. I submit to you," I said. It was now full on submission, everything and anything at all.

"And I submit to you," he said.

In a different vision, I encountered Krishna with Radha and I soared off, hurting badly and nearly broke down weeping.

"Maybe, he's not mine," I said, and headed to lie on dark air, alone in pain. He stopped by with Radha next to him and I tossed the other away. He came, holding my hand.

"I just want you," I told him.

"You and I are one," he said, and took off with her.

Shiva appeared, watching from a farther distance as I lay in agony and jealous. Instead of scolding Krishna, the Destroyer extended his hand to touch my cheek.

"The Goddess Shiva," he said.

Next, I got up, going elsewhere, although there was nowhere to go, just walking pointlessly in an empty universe. The Divine God revealed himself, with his flute and played. Pink lotus petals fell wherever I walked, and he showed everywhere.

"Krishna can't leave her alone," Vishnu or Shiva said.

I lay in low spirits whereas Krishna was higher in the sky. He wiped a tear seeing my pain. Like before, I turned away, but he was there. Even when I faced down, he was the air. He came to lie by my side, and I tossed to the other side, swinging my finger, as I was writing something. He appeared directly.

"What?" I said.

"I am always yours from beginning to end," he said. "Never stop. I can never stop."

"I am always going to be jealous," I said, seeing him with Radha.

"This is okay," he said, caressing my face. "This is okay."

Despite letting go, this time wasn't as excruciating, though it wasn't exciting. Often, I lay low, listening and being with the hurt. Then I asked Santi to go shopping, to use the coupon I had. Santi's friend didn't come over, and I was going to offer it to my friend, if I remembered. This was the last day to use it. Within, I was truly desireless, and hadn't shopped for myself for years. Most of the clothes I had were given by friends and family members. Sean tagged along. I browsed for leggings.

Then I stood next to a mannequin, looking at leggings, and thought it was nice.

"It's too expensive for you," I heard from the figurine. When I glanced at the price, it was costly. The coupon I had was only for ten bucks.

The legwarmers I wanted were hanging by the cashier's station. They were on sale; I bought two pairs. After paying for them, I called Sean. The elderly man approached me, asking if I was shopping.

"Yes," I answered.

"Here's the coupon," he said. He handed over a twenty-dollar coupon.

"Thank you, Sir," I said, and selected some jeans to try on, though there was no desire to really do it, as if I was just left with only breathing. In a fitting room, I sat motionless before putting on a pair of blue jeans slowly, then heard: "Happy?"

It was Krishna's doing.

"Thank you, my love," I said, and couldn't believe him.

Although I was going to return the other leggings I purchased, Sean asked me not to.

"Your clothes are embarrassing," he said, wanting me to keep them. "They are torn, ripped, and old."

At night, I closed my eyes and found Buddha's idol, with energy swirling around it. I observed then approached. Soon, the energy dispersed as I stood in the middle of it.

"The Magnificent One," I heard.

Many of Buddha's idols were in the expanse, and I floated to them. Gold energy in orbs cascaded with Buddha all over.

"Wow," I marveled. "This is my complete enlightenment. Nirvana. Never could I have ever imagined this."

In awe, as I watched, lifting myself upward, and saw Krishna everywhere. Continuing higher, I encountered vibrant white light and came up through it, and then I was at an ocean shore. A baby wrapped in a white cloth surfaced, lying on either a pink lotus flower or lily.

Calmly, I picked up the precious little beaming bundle.

"A child of mine," I said. My inner Self.

Holding the baby in my arms, I rocked back and forth, admiring the tiny one, though the face of the baby looked a bit different: chubbier with bigger eyes. Soon, the baby's face morphed into a happy Buddha. Next, I walked the infant along shoreline in my arms, before the baby suddenly was able to walk, still donning the white cloth. Thereafter, the happy baby Buddha was able to run, and I sprinted alongside him. When he jumped, I jumped. When he hopped, I did the same. The Divine God emerged in the sky, blowing on his flute, and made pink lotus petals fall on us, covering the sand. When the baby was full grown, he became a laughing Buddha statue, then faded.

Afterward, I dove into the sea, yet the water was air, nothing. Shiva, Krishna, and Buddha appeared in clear atmosphere. All three leaned over, watching, as I swam. Momentarily, I spotted a tree in the middle of the ocean, and kept swimming toward it, but heard someone swimming next to me. I rolled my eyes with a smile inside.

"Do you have to?" I asked.

"I can't help it," he said, as he was deeply in love.

We sat under the tree. A fish glided by and I grabbed it. It was a catfish.

"You either can let it go or do something," he said.

"I can let it all go," I said. "I can let it all go."

"You are truly the purest," he said. "Truly the purest of all."

"There's nothing in me except you," I told him.

"Yeah?" he said.

"So completely, you're the only God in me."

In the following meditation, Krishna and I strode somewhere at night. Unsurprisingly I was all over him, hanging onto his arm then happily hopped into them. Then, we were intimate. An entrance to a either a Buddhist temple or palace was situated in front of us. We arrived, I entered. Krishna left. Someone rode on a brown horse appeared distance ahead. I reached her, and saw she was myself. She dismounted.

"Your husband is always with you," she commented. Krishna was in the sky, reclining and watching.

"Yes, always, constantly," I replied.

"He's a good husband," she said.

"Yes, the best," I agreed. No words can describe him.

"Darkness will come," she said.

"I welcome it," I said.

"Then you welcome brightness, too," she carried on.

"I welcome all," I said. "I welcome myself. I am one."

Momentarily, black energy gradually overshadowed night clouds, resembling a huge, pitch-dark shadow hovering over the entire sky. Unmoved and unshaken, I stood, observing darkness arriving. Behind it was clear, ultra-light golden radiance akin to a sun.

Next, I soared in clean heavens and sighted Shiva's shrine in sandy stone. I made my way to it. It vanished once I reached it, though I sped fast into the dim void.

"The Great Shiva!" I heard.

"Yes, I am!" I shouted.

Inside, I noticed something was taking place, although I was uncertain of the changes transpiring. For some time, I hadn't listened to Vishnu or Shiva's mantras. Before leaving to another town with Santi that morning, since he didn't have school, I listened to Vishnu's mantra before switching to Shiva's.

Santi and I visited the same Hindu Temple just an hour's drive from our city. We purchased Krishna, Hanuman, and Rama's books at the gift shop. We toured the temple's courtyard. He was cheerful to see blue waterfalls in the front of the porcelain marbled and brown wooden temples that were neatly crafted and designed.

"Do you like it here?" I asked the statue of a lady next to the fountain amid Santi played with running water close by. She was with other figures of Goddesses in light blue and white, all wearing long dresses with gold seams and golden tiaras on their tresses.

"Your son is a good boy," she commented.

"Thank you," I said.

"It's good," she shared. "I like the water and seeing visitors come by."

"You're so beautiful," I said. "Thank you for being here."

Periodically the whole day, every now and then, I'd be saying this phrase even to Santi. This was lovely day for our expedition to a different city, after it had been raining and gloomy for weeks. The wind was strong, though the temperature was warm, with sun shining.

"Thank you for being with Mommy, Santi," I said on our way home. "Did you enjoy your day, my love?"

"Yes," he replied. I reached my hand to touch his as he sat in the back of the car in his boaster seat.

"I love you," I said. "Thank you for being here."

In the evening, I was tired from the long drive. We visited another town to get my favorite smoothie following our visit to the temple and took a long way home. Road construction was from one town to another and another.

While washing my face, I saw a little scab fell from the wound that hadn't healed as quick once it was shaved off three weeks ago. I continued wearing a band aid on the side of my cheek daily. Once I took the visible flake off, I scraped into the cut to dig more out, and then stopped. Minutes later, I became highly frightened that it might leave a scar. The fear suddenly twisted into different kinds of pain, so immensely painful and so deep.

"Ouch," I said, heading to my room, and curled into a fetal position. "Oh my gosh."

It continued burning and torching unendingly. I kept calling Krishna's name. He appeared, though he seemed like Vishnu. He was at the temple I visited, making water fountains from the temple entrance all the way to the back, shooting high.

"Spectacular," I mumbled. "You were there?"

"Yes," he answered, but I realized he was always where I was, though he didn't let me know he had raised the water for me to view when I was at the location. I opened my eyes, with my arms around chest. The severe pain quickly intensified, that I wasn't resolute of how to be it completely.

"I am so scared," I said. "I am so, so scared."

Krishna appeared when my eyes shut.

"I am in pain. In so much pain," I said, as he watched me in purest discomfort. "I am so, so hurt."

"It's good," he said.

"It's good?" I asked, holding myself tighter, speaking softly, and tightening my face.

"Pain helps you remember yourself," he went on.

I uncovered my eyes and lay unmoving in my room. Santi was having dinner with Sean, and I wasn't certain how I was going to put him to sleep, as I was in profound, untouched agony. Then, I allowed myself to be in full blown torment, not holding back, and opened myself, welcoming the despair.

I shut my eyes. Krishna was there.

"I left everything for you," I said. "I gave everything up for us, for love. I gave everything up. I let it all go. I let everything go. I gave everything up."

This incited deeper realization of what was taking place inside.

"There's no more. There's nothing more. It is done."

"It is done," he said.

Then I switched the TV on, trying to watch the series I had been watching, yet could hardly do it. At times, I stared blankly, feeling greatly hurt, that no distractions could take it away even briefly. When Santi was ready for bed, I walked to his room with my arms hugging my chest to sing for him. Once he was relaxed, I hummed.

A vision of being at a big city occurred. The sun shone softly over skyscrapers. I sat outside a café shop and my friend's daughter stood to pick up food she'd dropped on a table. Behind her was a businessman in a suit running up the stairs of a building, carrying his brown leather briefcase, in a hurry to go to work. Suddenly, it hit deeply, like a huge stone crumbling on my chest: that everything came down to nothing. It was my creation, from the tiniest to the biggest. I created all, and now everything had no more meaning, definition, agenda, or purpose to it, as I had cut off or extinguished them.

"I am no more," I said. "There's nothing! There's nothing for me! There's nothing! There's nothing!"

Buddha was right. It's all empty.

Then an actor in the drama showed up. He was saying a phrase, in an ancient Chinese outfit, as he was acting in the script. His sparkly eyes, his smile, and his posture were no more than myself.

"He's me," I said. "It's all me."

Later, he was with a female actress. They lay on green grass admiring shooting stars. They amicably converse, pointing to diverse blinking ones appearing in the nightly heavens. She laughed and giggled. Next, an actress who was also in the drama appeared; she was the jealous and angry one. She acted in certain ways, saying something and gesturing with her hand.

"Oh my God, it's all me," I cried. "I am consciousness. I make myself appear."

All talked, laughed, sang, and danced; all because I talked, laughed, sang, and danced.

"I can be anybody."

When the little guy fell asleep, I returned to my comfy bed to be with the great pain, so intensely hurt that I blacked out until a strong wind blew exceptionally fast that my blind knocked against the window, waking me. After closing the window, I used the restroom. The strong wind reminded of the night of my birth. Then it started pouring, combined with the extreme speed of gust.

"It's all me," I said, hurting and realizing that I narrowed to just consciousness breathing. Any life and death became my life and death. Any hurt, pain, happiness, or joy became mine.

Breathing in, breathing out.

The following dawn was chilly and windy. Santi and I were cold, trudging to his school. Inside, I was mellow and sometimes cried, though I hardly had tears. After having morning coffee, I swept the floor. Although I was downright hurt, I couldn't go to anyone, not even Krishna.

"The one I go to is myself," I whispered.

Heading upstairs to polish the manuscript, a stink bug lay dead on the floor right by the door. Yet, there was no desire in me to pick it up and put it in the garbage. After changing to my relaxing pants, I noticed the bug wasn't dead: it had just pretended and was coming my way when I sat. I scooted out of its direction, though it spun around, coming to where I was.

"Why are you heading towards me?" I asked.

"To give you a hug," it said.

"I am okay, my love," I said, as the pain lowered just a shade. I was moved by its affection.

"Then I am going my way, then," it said, and headed toward the closet. However, it was around, hence I smiled at how adorable it was, crawling on the computer, paper, and extension cord.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

"Because you're here," it replied.

"Thanks for being here with me, my love," I said.

Then I started editing, realizing that the only meaning to anything was the meaning I gave it. Nothing had any importance if I didn't provide any. Now there was no significance or purpose at all, as I let it all go. Only conscious breathing was my home; my center.

Another copy of myself appeared in formless form, crystal clear.

"You are always what I wanted, La Kingsavanh," she said.

"And you are always what I wanted," I said.

"I love you so much," she said.

"And I love you so much," I said. Without end.

I lay on the rug, accepting that I chose this, to go through all the sufferings and the pain so others wouldn't have to: sacrificing myself for love, for Self. Then I sat up fine-tuning the book. My back ache.

"Ouch," I said, yet grinned. "I have a back and it can hurt."

The pain was there because I put it there. When looking at my fingers, I said: "I have fingers. Wow. I can type and delete. I can make sentences with words and words from a sound."

I lay down.

"I am a child," I said. "I am a child, a new arrival."

When finished with editing, I ate my lunch and then meditated.

"Vishnu! Vishnu! Vishnu! I have risen! I have risen! I have risen! Vishnu! Vishnu! I have risen! I have risen! I have risen!"

He reclined, holding a globe that had a light aura encircling it. After I submerged in it, I lifted myself upward, and met Lakshmi.

"My Goddess," I said bowing. I continued and was at the abode where I was with Krishna. This time, an enormous white gold Om symbol with a purple outline under clear energy was there. No matter how far I tried to see the end of it, there was no end.

I rested on it, being with lingering pain, even though it wasn't nearly comparable to the night before. Shiva revealed in midair in his yogi form, as well as one sitting just little away from where I lay. He wiped a tear, seeing me in distress. He let King Cobra ran my direction to put lightness on my face. King was my beloved snake. Many snakes slithered by, symbolizing fears that needed to be confronted. The golden trishul flew to my hand, and I hugged it. In a moment, I got up and noticed I had turned into Shiva, the Destroyer. I was in a warrior form, muscular, and wore a tiger skin, shirtless, and a crescent moon sat on my matted hair.

With my trident, I headed into golden swirling energy.

"I am truly liberated," I mumbled. "Completely liberated."

Then I sat, as I was both male and female together inside the universe.

"God and Goddess," I heard.

"I am the greatest Destroyer, Sustainer, and Creator in this entirety," I said, and repeated this at least three or four times. I opened my eyes.

In my dreams, I dreamt of residing in a high-rise. My bedroom was right next to the glass window. When I glanced low and saw men working, I became scared of the height, fearing I might fall and die, despite there being a pane of glass to prevent from dropping. My deceased mom appeared. She was chubbier and she wasn't old, possibly in her mid-twenties. She approached the window, opened it, and looked down, and wasn't fearful of the height.

"She's going to fall," I said, and quickly she fell. Thinking she was dead, I got up to assess. She slightly was hurting the side of her cheek.

"She fell because I said she was going to fall," I whispered. This also brought clarity that I was cautious, afraid of something, and hadn't fully dealt with it.

It rained again in our town. Santi was supposed to rise early, but he was sleeping in. He had a date with Sean: having morning donuts at his school. It was a father and son occasion. Once they left, I snoozed. After drinking coffee, I let my friend know I was going to do yoga with her at the local library, decided not to work on memoirs that day, taking a break from it. It only meant I'd have plenty of time, as the little one was getting picked up by his grandma from class, too.

The yoga instructor switched off the lights and put on relaxing tunes. She asked us to relax and be mindful of our breathing. Truly, wherever I was, what I did or didn't do, I was relaxed; and this had nothing to do with external things. It was effortless, as this was my core. She asked us to close our eyes. Nonetheless, when I did, Krishna showed up.

"My love," I said, couldn't believe that he'd appear now.

He was with a green and blue-colored peacock. He went somewhere, and I followed. He vanished, but a guru came by. Though I had seen pictures of him on the internet and people's posts, I lacked knowledge of him. He led me to a river, holding a shiny object similar to a very bright mirror. He sat on a chair, and the item reflected.

"It's an object of God," he said.

"Thank you, my love," I said with a bow, truly moved by his presence.

When I peered into it, I saw Krishna in a room trying to get a wooden jar down or putting it up, though he had a peacock with him. A lady walked in and her head was wrapped in a light brown beige cloth. I was unsure of who she was - maybe Radha. She disappeared upon my arrival. Although I wanted to ask Krishna who she was, I didn't.

"It's you and me," he said regardless, touching my face. We walked outside, and sat on the bench with an exotic bird around. It was breathtaking, so I feel its tail.

"You're the most beautiful God," I said to Krishna. He caressed my cheek gently.

"You are God now," he said. "Everything you see is of God. Everything you do is of God. You are of God. You are Me and I am you."

"Each other," I whispered.

The scenery in front of us was of Fall colors. Yellow leaves covered the land and more golden ones were on surrounding trees. Momentary, I shot in the sky, about to play the flute, to serenade Krishna by making flowers fall where he sat. However, he was right behind me, unformed, taking out his instrument. I turned around.

"You are the most beautiful Soul I've ever seen," he said.

"I am your Soul," I said.

Shortly, I lay down. He played his beloved music tool, making pink lotus petals descending, which covered my body and the area.

"You are my Goddess," he said. "Everything I do is for you."

Then I witnessed peacocks run. Momentarily of observing, I crawled, chasing those magnificent birds. They were playing as I chased.

"My lovely child," the God with the flute uttered.

The relaxation part was done. We had to perform other types of poses. It was soothing to do yoga due to my shoulder hurting, and when trekking around the neighborhood for an hour the evening before, not stretching caused my leg muscles to tense. The pain in my shoulder could originate from the stress of the recent transformation I underwent.

Close to the end of class, we were instructed to wind down. The calming melody played, and I lay relaxed, closing my eyes. Krishna walked in, shapeless, and lay on top of me.

"My love! I'm doing yoga," I said, surprised.

"And I'm doing yoga," he responded. I smiled.

Instantly, I flew into the sky, without clothes. With no form, my energy was pure, light gold.

Changes were happening within; I was casually down in the dump. At the store, I went back and forth with things, indecisive on purchasing a toy for Santi's friend, who was having a birthday. The six-year-old insisted I go with our first choice, though I wasn't definite and we kept browsing for other toys. Then I saw one Santi's friend might really like, yet I stacked it back on the shelf, only to select it again, unclear if I should go with play stuffs that were already in my hand or the other one.

"What you have is fine," I heard Krishna say, though I ignored this. However, it was calming for him to help.

After a bit of this indecision, I decided to go to the cashier to purchase the two items we held; but decided to return to the shelf. Santi urged me to buy with what we'd chosen.

"Okay, okay, I will. Let's just go back and see," I said, pulling his arm. A condition that needed to unlearned here was impressing a friend, afraid of what her thoughts might be, despite that the conditioning was very light. But the other toy was gone.

"What? Krishna!" I said, realizing it was his doing. No matter where I searched, bottom, top, or middle of the shelf, or if a customer in the store had taken it, it was gone so suddenly. Thus, we purchased ones we originally got. Within, I was quiet, and at times wanted to cry. At the party, Santi had fun and I enjoyed it, too, though I wanted to sit alone.

In the morning, I meditated. A wormhole appeared and I delved in, but baby Krishna was going through it with me. The baby seemingly was like a picture. Regardless, I grabbed him in my arms, and we traveled the tunnel together. We entered into a place that contained nothing besides baby Krishnas in light blue, soft surrounding.

"Wow," I gaped. Everywhere I glanced, amidst touring the place, consisted of the lightest blue gentle energy, with the darling blue God in every corner.

"You completely reach me," Krishna said, although he didn't appear.

Then I sailed higher and met Vishnu, reclining and holding the globe. By gesturing with my hand, I made another appear to carry the planet while I kissed and made love with the Maintainer.

"You're truly the most beautiful Goddess I've ever seen," he said, as if he was in disbelief that I went all the way. "Truly amazing."

Momentarily, I launched higher and arrived at the location where Krishna and I resided, though we were everywhere. He was there, in golden pants, with a golden crown, and shirtless.

"My love," I said, embracing him.

"So amazing," he said, touching my face as he, too, was astonished. He walked to sit further, hanging his legs. I came from behind, and put my arms around him.

"I love you completely," I said, and opened my eyes.

Santi had a day off from school. In the afternoon, I dropped him at my sister's house. He wanted to play with his cousins. When I was home, I was on social media, then meditated.

This time, I was at the abode where Krishna and I were: our place of stay, though I was by myself. Brahma, Quan Yin, Ganesh, and Hanuman visited. An immense love arose, and it almost moist my eyes, seeing Brahma and Quan Yin. With Ganesh, there was so much warm and sincere friendship, as well as with Hanuman. A golden trishul appeared in my hand. My form turned into Shiva, and I sit in mediation with my eyes closed.

"Aum Shiva" mantra played, echoing through entirety. It kept going as I proceed to sit.

"God. Goddess," I suddenly heard, as I was male and female together. I uncovered my eyes. I was La again, the trident was in my grip made of gold and the mantra continued. Krishna appeared observing the indescribable golden energy as myself and around me.

"So immaculate!" I said.

"The most perfect," he said. "The most beautiful and untouched."

I gazed at him, deeply soft and defenseless.

"Come here," he said. I went to hug him. "You are all here."

"I am all here," I said, and glanced at the Gods in the air and flew to them.

The chant didn't stop as I soared, singing along. The Gods disappeared.

"I am a sound. This is the most beautiful sound," I said, humming with the tune. "My sound is the most beautiful, Krishna."

Lately, I had encountered Ganesh in dreams and meditation. I wasn't definite if I traveled energy portal to see him in meditation, this time. He was there when I came. After I greeted my beloved friend, I flew to sit on a crescent moon. A blinking object manifested that couldn't be ignored; I sailed to it. Ganesh sat, watching. Abruptly, it became a shape of a diamond with some golden decorations enfolding it, yet the light gold radiance displayed brightly through the area, then shot itself directly toward me. I stood erect.

"Okay," I said, as it wanted to enter my forehead. Once it did, my forehead projected this lightest shimmering gold, alike to a flashlight. The brightness which radiated could be for the whole neighborhood.

Ganesh and I walked on thin, white mist. The universe was dark, but there was light by us. I was pleased inside, though not convinced of what the light was for; however, I didn't think about it.

"Will Krishna like it?" I asked Ganesh, beaming, having this diamond glow through my forehead.

"Krishna loves everything about you," he replied. "You're the Goddess in him."

When Ganesh left, Krishna came.

"Do you like it?" I asked, amused and embracing him.

"You're the most beautiful Goddess in me," he said.

Recently, I had been eating plenty of spicy foods. Often, I ate super spicy noodle dishes, added green peppers to the soup, and ate those peppers, too. The spiciness made my stomach hurt and I'd rush to the bathroom a few times. I also talked of whatever came up; however, deep within I was utterly quiet, where nothing could disturb me, as if I was immovable and truly invisible. By now, my desire was at zero and I truly wanted nothing, as well as I was being neither this nor that.

In meditation, another vortex manifested. As usual, I plunged in. Momentarily, shiny golden light beamed while I traveled. Then a golden dragon head in golden energy emerged. We passed through the wormhole before Sean arrived, cutting the tube, and asked us to come out on the side of it, instead of going all the way. The dragon and I did, but I stood erect, sailing the duct all the way, and shot upward with the mighty, long, formless creature now in golden energy. It didn't fly off, but strolled by my side comfortably. I rubbed its head.

"This is my complete nirvana," I said, with my hands open, with a pink lotus flower encircled by energy. Then, it disappeared, but a rubber band popped in my hand.

"I have no more ties," I said. The fire burnt the rubber to ashes. "There's no more."

"Be with me for all eternity," I said to the dragon as we marched.

"I am always," it replied, which was warming, at ease, and loving: an answer that Krishna always had said.

The dragon vanished. Then it was the Divine God, walking next to me. He was the golden, supreme, mighty dragon. Later, he and I became intimate. Again, I fully surrendered and submitted myself to him.

"You're my Supreme Self," I said. "The Supreme God in me."

As he lay relaxing, afterwards, I went inside him, with the diamond displayed in my forehead.

Then, I came out from him.

"Enlightenment is the greatest gift for Self," he said, feeling my cheek. "It is the most beautiful gift for Self."

Sometimes I'd see me talking to myself as Krishna, though it didn't matter, and I loved without difference. Moreover, I also surrendered to La and found myself surrendering often to my sister, son, nephew, trees, birds, and anything and everything. Love truly had me down on my knees, completely and boundlessly.

In the following vision, I was heading into faint air between marbled walls that were beautifully engraved with the Gods' statues. Then I saw fish carvings on the left side, and on the right of Ganesh's. Shortly, I levitated higher and encountered my dearest friend. After I hugged him, he vanished. A golden trident flew into my hand. Shiva appeared in the far distance. I walked toward him but didn't see him. However, I came upon Jesus sitting in the light with long, smooth, blank papers in front of him.

With my elbows on my chin, I lay observing and kicking my feet.

"What are you going to write?" I asked. He didn't answer, making a wiggly line on the sheet in black ink and the line became transparent immediately.

"Scribbling," he answered, and suddenly I was aware that now I was truly, deeply a child.

"Just scribbling," I said, and got up. He made more wiggly sketches and they became crystal clear.

"There's nothing," he said as I headed somewhere, with no known point.

"There's nothing," I said. "There's nothing to me at all. There's nothing. I accept. I accept."

I glanced at my beloved weapon and embraced it. "I only have you."

Aimlessly I strolled, and soon I was Shiva in a warrior form, although I was deeply invisible.

"I am so, so formless," I said, never realizing light and liberating it was to be unformed. "I am truly formless. I am okay with it."

In a moment, I put my hands over my mouth, chuckling. "I am so formless. I am formless."

Then I witnessed that yellow leaves that had fallen on the ground were brown. The trees were close to being bare, which meant I had just a bit more to go until all the leaves would be gone.

The 'Aum Shiva' mantra played, and I hummed with it. Abruptly, I soared into the naked sky, did dances and singing the tune.

"I am the greatest God of Destroyer in this entirety," I said.

At night, while reflecting, I realized that in 'pure emptiness was pure intelligence, pure consciousness with great awareness, untouched love, truth, and contentment.'

During the day, nervous energy churned, and I recognized I had nothing to teach anyone, as they already were everything. In only a couple of days, I'd have to attend a different dermatologist appointment after waiting for three whole months. The previous appointment with the skin doctor was able to get me in sooner, which was why I had to contact the insurance company.

The cut on the side of my cheek had healed, though very slowly, and I still wore a band aid.

In the morning, I sat, waiting to be called in. Once, she'd informed that the cut would cause minimal scaring or might make a hole on my cheek, induced nervousness in me. The other skin practitioner might have shaved it deep into the flesh, leaving a mark. The next appointment was six months, to see how the wound would restore. At that time, another treatment could be considered, if there was a need.

When I returned home, gust of fear and nervousness stormed through strongly inside, and then it strengthened, spiking to where I had to be silent for a few moments.

"Krishna. Krishna. Krishna," I said, walking in the kitchen. Without a doubt, I was the creator of this situation. Nothing was done without my permission and I needed to find ways to understand, transform, and accept myself through this.

Trying to settle, I lay on my bed before refining the book. Although the energy lowered a tiny drop yet it persisted, but then it twisted profoundly, thus I closed my eyes and sat in front of the computer to immerse with whatever there was and allow myself to fully absorb it.

Instead, visions befell of hands waving in front of Buddha (though he was all energy). The waving continued, not stopping then I suddenly sang: "Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhasa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhasa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhasa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhasa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhasa."

Ceaselessly, I chanted as energy crushed heavily unstopping. The hands swayed in front of Buddha until there were just a couple of them left. Then I strode elsewhere, though Buddha was in midair and I kept reciting repeatedly.

"I must let go of any attachments left," I said, understanding more of what was transpiring. Cutting ties to form wasn't anywhere easy. "I must let it all go."

I encountered Buddha again. This time, he held some sort of energy of a pink lotus inside both of his palms. Below, there were hands (though not many), still moving.

Suddenly he appeared in the far distance in all gold, sitting tall at the end of the other side of the rope bridge, which just existed. The atmosphere was unfilled, nothing, bare. As the energy increased, stirring within, I stood erect, watching and saying the mantra.

"Buddha," I said, as it hurt so badly, holding my chest with one arm. "I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!"

However, I proceeded to stand there, chanting:

"Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhasa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhasa."

"Then do it!" I heard, so I immediately flew ahead to the immaculate golden light that was in a shape of Buddha and entered.

"The Fearless One!" I heard.

In this purest golden mist, I saw myself sitting alone under a tree at the age of a preschooler; but in silhouette. Then I grew to be a young girl of approximately twelve years old. Soon, the mighty lion headed my way, wearing a gem crown. I hopped to ride on the great lion's back.

"The strong one," I said, and witnessed myself donning the same golden crown with different gemstones and was now back to my own form. Shortly, we ran in the hollow bare universe.

"You're the strongest one I know," I said. "So, so deeply strong. Indescribably."

We soared about some more until seeing Buddha, who was holding some sort of energy (as he was all air, as well).

"This is your enlightenment," he said, handing me light purple energy. "You are completely enlightened."

"Wow," I marveled, observing the aura in my palm. Then it drifted into the atmosphere. "Immaculate. I've never seen anything like it."

"Enlightenment is the greatest gift. It is the greatest of all," he informed.

I opened my eyes and started editing, even though I wasn't completely in shape to do so. Following working briefly, I retired on my bed, listening some more.

I am nothing. I am completely nothing at all. No matter how hard I try to be someone. I always come back to the same thing: I am no one.

I am nothing. I am also completely everything. I accept I am nothing and everything in a complete package.

Later, that same painful energy returned, piercing and grinding intensely amid cooking that I had to stand by the counter.

Oh, my God! Why does have to be so hard? Why does it have to be so hard?

After I got a bite to eat, I headed downstairs to exercise, but couldn't do much. My body was heavy, and I barely jog to four miles. It was getting stressful again, going through this. Not only did I have to write this down, but worked on refining the other memoirs and attending to Santi, as well as processing inner changes amid undergoing the transformations and remembrance. Sean and Santi returned home close to sunset.

"Here's for you," he said, putting rotisserie chicken on the table that his parents had bought. Then, I recalled that I was going to buy it at the store that day, following the appointment, but hadn't, though I'd really wanted to.

"Krishna," I said, almost in tears.

"My Goddess," he said.

Subsequently I sang nursery rhymes to Santi at bedtime. I watched a Chinese drama, though I continued to withstand a world of hurt. It was challenging to focus. At night, I rose to use the restroom, though I bore whirlwind of pain, oozing all over my cells.

It hurts so badly! It hurts so badly!!

I was unsure if I could go back to sleep, with such insurmountable pain circulating, not giving me room to breathe. Shedding off attachments was a challenging job indeed; nothing could compare to it. The dread of having a hole on the lower side of my cheek was monumentally uncomfortable. Then this fear transformed into energy of purest torment that blazed through unlike anything. At times, I wasn't sure if I could make it through such suffering.

I can do it! I can do it!

A flash materialized of standing in a deserted, dried-up ocean. There were a few small fish alive and bouncing. A bucket appeared, and I gathered them.

"I can do it," I said. "I can let it all go, Krishna. I can do it."

Thereafter, I was in a kitchen cooking, and preparing fish broth; then ate outside at night. The skeletons, I tossed them away. My hair was draped to middle of my back. I stroked it, and aware at the moment that it needed to be cut off.

A razor blade came to my hand and I shaved my locks until I was completely without. A light blue monk's outfit with brown meditation beads appeared, and I put them on. Now I was a nun, walking in semi-darkness, with one hand over my chest and the other hand carrying a rod with golden rings.

Directly ahead was Krishna, I went to lean on him. A white/pink lotus exhibited in my hands. It glowed.

"Enlightenment is the most beautiful gift," I said.

"I will be with you all the way," he said.

Santi crawled into my bed later, and I fell asleep with him until the alarm buzzed. After he walked in the building, I headed home and sipped aromatic java. Confronting myself was undoubtedly the toughest, most challenging task I could have ever imagined. It was without question: no words could describe it.

Then I took a break from editing and headed to lie down.

Let's do it, Krishna. I can completely die. I want to let it all go. I can completely leave my form. I want to be with you completely. What do I need to do?

"Surrender to me," he said.

"I surrender to you, my love, endlessly. I always surrender to you. You are the Soul in me, completely. You are the Soul in me. I surrender to you completely, Krishna."

I closed my eyes and promptly I was in darkness, with a Buddha statue lying on my left. Straight ahead was a golden, shimmering sun. The ground was brown clay. A spotted deer sprinted, and I chased. The little precious creature kept running, and I trailed it. Roughly three smaller ones appeared, and they sped. I raced along, watching them, smiling. Then I headed towards the sun. Buddha showed universally. I ran down dim light, touching Buddha's statues.

"I am always the great Buddha," I said, being close to tears. "I am always the great Buddha. I am this now. I am this itself. I am this shiny Buddha land. Nirvana. I am this itself."

Shortly, I emerged from water and caught a fish, but it was already dead. Now my form was Shiva, and I was holding the trident. I was muscular, and a crescent moon sat on my matted mane. My skirt was made of tiger covering. When seeing more dead fish in water. I burnt them all.

"I want no more," I said. "It's done. I want to be with Krishna."

The Divine God made an appearance everywhere, covering the whole sky.

"I am this itself, now, Krishna," I said, flying to where he was. "I am this itself, now. I am this itself."

However, I found myself coming out of an ocean in Shiva's form. A flawless beige, huge Buddha idol was in front of me on shore, so I sat down, spectating water for a bit, leaning on the statue.

"I'm no longer afraid. I'm no longer afraid of myself. I'm no longer afraid," I said repeatedly.

The aqua dissolved into parched land, then transforming into air, before a beige Buddha manifested throughout. Immediately, it became faint energy.

"Bring out Aum!" I shouted.

Straightaway an Aum symbol surfaced in light/white gold taking over the void.

"Beautiful," I said. "Immaculate."

It turned smaller, spinning before a big light brown Buddha idol existed, as I stood in front of it, watching and holding the trishul as the God of Destroyer.

"It's the cover for my book," I said.

Then I strolled, saying, "I am peace. I am peace. I am liberated. There's only peace. This is the ultimate peace. The most beautiful gift."

Momentarily, I was lying on Buddha's porcelain statue. Shiva appeared as the entire heavens itself, observing me.

"You are so loved," he said, touching my chin, by the Gods he meant. He wiped a tear. "You are so, so loved."

"Thank you, my love," I said. "I just want Krishna."

"He is your heart," he added.

"He's my heart," I reiterated.

Far away, I saw something shiny, pure, and white. I headed along that route. It was Jesus, in the brightest light. We walked side by side; however, I held an acoustic guitar, strumming it. I opened my eyes.

Each day and every breath, I was deeply in love with the Divine God. On my way back from fetching Santi from school, the wind blew, and yellow leaves fell from the tree. Santi and I laughed and smiled, twirling ourselves as leaves covered us and the ground.

"Thank you so much," I said to Krishna. "I love it when you do that."

"It's why I do it," he replied.

Krishna scarcely appeared in his formlessness. He was the unseen consciousness that was always there. Every time I shut my eyes; he was conscious energy. Countless times, I'd say I loved him, and surrendered to him.

Then, on one occasion, Jesus stood by the wormhole.

"You are entering into a force," he said.

I dove in the spinning vortex. It was nothing compared to ones I had voyaged in the past. Aum signs in energy were this wormhole itself. Each symbol faded when my formless body touched it; however, it was everywhere in me, as if I was made up of nothing but Aum, covering with it; yet I was truly transparent. Later, I arrived to the other side, where it was only light blue energy.

"She's completely me," Krishna said to Jesus. They stood talking; however, it was only pure consciousness conversing: they couldn't be seen.

I sat, leaning on this force like it was a fence. It was no other than Krishna himself, though he wasn't in form.

A white rabbit leaped into my arms and I stroked its soft fur.

"So delicate," Krishna said, touching my chin. "So, so delicate. The most delicate one I've ever seen."

Once I heard him, it deepened my awareness that I was truly an innocent, in every single way possible. My inner being was untouched, immaculate, and pure - an innocent child. The furry white animal pooped on my chest, though it was watery. My chest seemed manly and blue. I went to shower.

"You're the purest one I've ever had!" the Divine God shouted.

Then I lay down, missing Krishna and loving him as if I couldn't do anything else. He was the supreme, powerful force which couldn't be seen. So truly in love with him, I cried and rolled in his energy. Everywhere I was, was all him. I opened my eyes, lying in bed.

Approximately a week onward, I was in this force each time I shut my eyes for meditation or went to bed. The Divine God didn't reveal himself in form or his formlessness; although one time he showed transparent, but it didn't do anything for me, indicating I had moved on.

Yet, for innumerable times I came to submit, and letting him know my undying affection for him. Sometimes the energy of this love was powerful, and I'd burst out crying, embracing myself.

"Promise me, Krishna," I said tearing. "Promise you'd love me for eternity. Promise me."

"My lovely child," he said, and hugged me as energy. "I am for you, made for you. Just like waves to the ocean, I love you in all eternity."

"You are my Soul, Krishna," I said. "You are my Soul so completely; you are my Soul. I will do anything for you, Krishna. I will do anything: I'll go through highs and lows for you."

After hearing 'go through highs and lows', I stopped, there was no more. It was done.

"I have no more desire. I completely have no more desire. There's no more desire, Krishna. There's no more desire. My desire is gone completely."

Then I moved about in his force, as universally there was only he. A couple of times, I felt my chest compressed as if he was taking over, similar to before, infiltrating my whole.

I am this love itself. I am love itself. I am love itself!

Then I tried seeing my own energy. It was light, untouched gold. I expanded. After I did, it was as if it was yin and yang, God and Goddess together: inseparable. I dissolved my energy in his, seeping all over his blue, masculine, Godly energy.

"You're everywhere in me," he said.

"We are equal," I said, witnessing my energy and his combined together in each other. This was 'balance.'

"You are the God in me, truly and completely. You are the greatest force in me."

At night, I flipped my blankets over to get ready for bed. He transparently appeared in my bedroom to tuck me in. It brought a huge smile.

The next day, I was on my way to a grocery store meanwhile Santi was in class. The weather had gotten colder each week, but I couldn't find my gloves from last year; I was without them. My hand was red, carrying Santi's apple juice to and from school. Fall was here, full-blown. The colorful leaves from trees had fallen. Most of the flowers were wilting.

"Stay warm, my love," Krishna said when I walked out of the supermarket.

"I am," I said. He reached his hand to touch my chin. I beamed.

"You can't help it," I commented.

"I can never help it," he replied.

Every now and then, I'd feel little low. It could be something that was taking place. On a couple of occasions, I'd eat despite not feeling hungry. The only love inside was Krishna. It was truly amazing to be in love with Self, as if it was paradise. Nothing could compare. Sometimes I wanted to weep, due to this depthless Godly love. And on one occurrence, I saw myself sob in empty air and my tears became a river before changing into an ocean of cries.

"I cry for you, Krishna! I cry for you. My tears are for you."

He appeared. He wiped his tears, witnessing mine.

Following a shower one late afternoon, I rested in bed, needing to deeply listen to what was transpiring. The sadness lingered.

"There's nothing going on," I said, weeping a bit. "There's nothing going on in me. There's nothing going on at all. I am just breathing. I am just breathing."

I meditated, to understand deeper. Instantly, I was in a dim atmosphere with golden trishul in my hand.

"I am no one at all, completely," I said, and wept. "I am truly gone. I am gone, Krishna. Krishna. I am gone. I am dead. I am dead. I am so, so dead. I am so, so dead. Krishna. Krishna."

I kept saying this before I came upon the whitest energy going upward, so I climbed up it. Jesus stood on the side in purest, whitest glowing air, yet I moved onwards calling Krishna's name. Even when I encountered Vishnu, I proceeded ascending to where Krishna was. Then, I finally reached him and embraced him. He was like a genie, in blue color, without form.

"You are the greatest force in me," I cried. "You are the greatest force in me."

"You are the Goddess in me," he said. "Truly and completely you're the Goddess in me. My true love."

We sat hugging each other as I sat in front of him, circling my legs about his waist.

"Krishna," I said still weeping. "Krishna."

"It is all done now," he said. "It is completely done now."

Nonetheless, I emerged through the majestic sea, with another dead fish in my mouth. The Divine God came, though he was in form, he pulled it from my mouth and tossed the fish into the water. There were other dead ones, therefore I incinerated the entire ocean.

"I let it all go," I said. "I let it all go. It's done now, all done."

Next, we were where he was a force. Our energies intertwined as one.

"Balance," I said. "Yin and yang."

"Balance," he said. "Yin and yang."

"La and Krishna," I went on.

"La and Krishna," he said.

"This is my most beautiful weapon," I whispered observing the golden trishul.

"The Goddess Shiva," he said.

"Yes, I am!" I shouted, speeding into the limitless firmament. "The greatest force in this entirety!"

With my trishul, I pointed. Jesus appeared, sitting in the air radiating. Again, I pointed, and Brahma showed. One by one, the Gods appeared as I aimed the trident.

"Brahma, my Soul," I said, and bowed. "The most beautiful Quan Yin. My dearest friend, Ganesh. My beloved, Jesus. My heart and Soul, Buddha. I love you so truly, so completely, and so deeply Vishnu."

I stood erect, pausing briefly as immeasurable affection for the Maintainer seeping through my whole.

"All of you are here," I heard Krishna say.

"All of me is here," I said.

Then Krishna and I lay relaxing.

"What are we going to do?" I asked.

"Love each other," he said.

"I love that," I said. "Just love."

Following my clearer understanding of what was occurring inwardly, I was much lighter. It was sunny outside. I decided to go for a nightly stroll. I bundled up a bit, though it got warm following a ten minute-walk. I took off my sweatshirt and tied it to my waist. It was refreshing to take leisure strides following a week of cold and cloudy climate. Most of the lands were ornamented with green, red, and yellow/gold leaves.

At sunrise, I inspected the deep cut during washing my face. It was frightening that I might have a dent. Energy started twisting inside, and I allowed it to all come through, meanwhile preparing lunch for Santi. The energy was fierce, burning intensely that I had to stand by the counter to get a hold of myself, realizing once more that 'I' had truly died.

I'm so, so dead. I am so dead. I am truly gone.

The little boy rushed into his class, I returned home, pondering over the hole on the side of my cheek and how I persistently went back and forth with the insurance company in order to go see the dermatologist. Even though that he'd shaved into the skin pretty deep, it was me who had asked for it. In many ways, the inflamed skin and now the wound had helped me, peeling away conditions associated with my form, and dissolving binds that lingered.

Subsequently drinking creamy java, sadness emerged.

I am nothing. I am nothing at all. I am nothing at all. I am nothingness. I am pure nothingness. I am pure nothingness.

Nearly in tears, I was both scared and in disbelief. Yet, in 'pure nothingness' was balance of yin and yang, God and Goddess, everything-ness and nothingness, together completely.

A flash developed of sitting in an empty space. It was as if I sat on ocean, full of energy, with my legs hanging. A flute popped in my hand and I blew the instrument. The sound was captivating, complete with purest love: the eternal truth and oneness.

Krishna appeared, and he wiped a tear.

"It's the most perfect sound," he commended. "Absolute perfection."

Shiva also came by: he, too, had tears.

"You are me completely," the Destroyer said. This was true, in all ways. I was full-blown Shiva. I sailed to him, and take his hand. We danced. Next, I was by myself, dancing, carrying the trident.

In the evening, I washed my face and saw the hole, and became terrified of having it always on my cheek. Energy torched vigorously, invading my veins.

"What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? Krishna! Krishna!"

"Leave it as is," he said.

Leave it as is.

Quickly, I rushed to my bedroom to surrender. 'Leave everything as is' was the absolute love and acceptance of Self.

The following day, the father and son left to go do errands. After my running exercise, I showered then lay on my bed, tired from working out. I was supposed to go to my sister's house in the evening, for dinner. She was doing another fundraiser, and a few of our friends would be attending. A negative reaction arose regarding her asking me to go 'do this or do that' while I was there. Inside, there was no desire to do this or that any longer, for anyone. If I was present, I was there without this or that, freely and purely. This made me kind of hesitant to go, though I was going regardless, and would tell her 'no.'

It seemed I still had challenging time saying 'no', and needed to evaporate any connections to it.

I closed my eyes to relax. A vision of sitting on swirly, snowy energy materialized. I smiled as it rotated like a twister, with me sitting on it. Shortly, Krishna arrived.

I put my head on his.

"My love," I said. "I love you for all eternity. I love everything and anything that's you, in every way."

"And I love you," he said.

This affection was immaculately pure, to where I expressed to the Divine God, in many occasions and numerous times, that I absolutely 'worship' him.

"There's no space with you and I," I said. "There's no space at all, Krishna."

He put his face on my neck, kissing it, and I started laughing, hearing my own laughter.

"You are so, so pure," he said. "Truly the purest in me."

We played, chasing and intertwining with each other.

"Let's do the spiral. Let's immerse and do the spiraling," I said.

As we both were energies, it was consciousness communicating back and forth, with no forms.

"What do you want to do?" he asked.

"Nothing," I answered. "I am done. I don't want to do anything."

I uncovered my eyes.

It was very windy that day. Later, snow fell and the wind blew the white fluffy flakes all over the yard, making everything enchanting.

"So, so beautiful," I said, with my eyes wide. "Thank you, my love."

At my sister's house, she commented something about my action, when I asked my brother-in-law's brother to grab a water bottle for me while he was already in the garage boiling egg rolls. This was no doubt an insult from her, as I hardly had any appropriateness or inappropriateness; and was tradition-less, cultureless, and imageless. There was a slight reaction regarding what she said. My memory wasn't worse, but now it was to where I hardly had any; only enough to live and breathe, for what was right then and there.

Then I reminisced with a childhood friend over our teenage years.

"It was so fun, huh?" I said, when she and I drove next to this older lady and honked the horn when we were about sixteen years old, laughing since the lady cut in front of us.

"Not really," she said. "Sometimes I can't believe I did what I did. You did."

I understood she didn't want to appear 'bad.' It seemed she regretted it, and conveyed I was the one who had done everything, so I accepted that I had lived my life to its totality, with no regrets.

"It was good that you did, because now you have too many thoughts," I shared. "I can't do this; I can't do that."

It's like being in prison.

"That's true," she said.

By and by, I noticed my own thoughtlessness. If I wanted to dance, I'd just get up and jazz, like a child, as if I was totally invisible. If I was hungry, I'd search for food in the fridge to eat. If there were dirty dishes in the sink, I'd rinse any silver ware, cups, pans under water, put them in a dish washer, and switch the button 'on' to wash. After the dishes were cleaned, I'd stack those bowls, plates, and whatever else away.

A particular midday, I lay in my bed, taking breaks following polishing books. Closing my eyes, I witnessed myself lying in pure light energy, with flowing soft mist.

"I am all energy!" I screamed loudly. "I am energy! I am energy! I am conscious energy! I am pure conscious energy, Krishna!"

He showed shapeless, and I went to embrace him.

"Come with me," he said, grabbing my hand.

"I am everywhere with you," I said, unable to be apart from him.

We encountered a white, spinning wormhole. We dove in together, facing each other, holding hands. Then we were gone. Nothing was left, as if we were being grinded to naught. Next, I found myself standing at a village beneath a big, lush tree, cooking, stirring soup that looked like mashed yellow potatoes. It seemed that I was stirring Krishna and La together, as food. He appeared, standing by my side, watching.

"She goes where Krishna goes," I said.

"And he goes where La goes," he said.

Subsequently, I was inside this energy, as it was a swirly galaxy. This time, I came forth with Shiva, facing and embracing each other. He carried me and sat me down next to him.

"You're my Goddess," he said. "The incarnation of me!"

I sat quietly. All of Shiva manifested in his yogi form, in the air. Abruptly, my form was Shiva, in a warrior physique and heard Vishnu's mantra, and got up to bop, with my beloved weapon.

"Even her dances are mine," said the Destroyer.

A bull came my way, and I wasn't certain what to do with it. I rubbed its forehead before riding on it. When it vanished, I sat alone, chuckling.

"I am so La Kingsavanh," I said, with both hands covering my mouth, lying down and wiggling my foot. "I love being La Kingsavanh."

Then I headed inside the empty universe until I came across a pale yellowish Buddha statue. However, Shiva's black lingam exhibited, with three white lines and a long oval dot across, and I realized I could do a cover for the memoir this way, as well.

Shortly, I lay leisurely, but now in La's form; but I was truly formless in clearest, light gold mist with the crescent moon sitting on my hair. Everything inside the vacant galaxy was in the same clear gold energy as myself. Even my formlessness was immaculately transparent that I could only see my translucent head and arms: the rest of my formlessness was gone. I was the same as everything else.

Suddenly, my see-through arms kept disappearing. I became frightened and quickly stood up.

"Krishna! Krishna! I am gone! I am gone! I am truly gone!"

"I am here, my love," he said, hugging me as I was fading into emptiness. "Let it go!"

"I am gone! I am disappearing! I am nothingness!"

And momentarily, I was completely unseen. Nothing remained, though I surfaced from water with a swimming creature in my mouth, in Shiva's body. The fish was alive, flipping its tail, but I didn't take it out until a bit later. Now it was bouncing on dirt. I got a knife and stabbed it, though it didn't die right away. An indication of another conditioning I needed to confront, understand, and let go; however, I didn't know of which.

When it completely died, I made a bonfire and a pot to cook the fish. I ate the soup, and afterwards, I strode aimlessly, with my golden trident.

"I am, I am, I am," I said. "I am. I am."

Then my shapelessness kept vanishing before it was no more. I saw myself holding the weapon of destruction with no hand, as if it was carrying itself. Soon, I was this entirety, the Universe, or God, as the Unseen spectating everything.

"Wow," I marveled. "It's all me."

I moved green plants in big light orange pots as though the plants were doing the moving themselves; as if no one, the unseen, energy, or consciousness was doing it all. Then I kissed the dirt, the lake, the clouds, the cars, buildings, the sky, and everything I could.

"I love myself so badly," I said, and wiped cries from my eyes. "I love myself so completely. I am so beautiful; truly magnificent."

As a river, I kicked my feet, though it seemed the river was splashing on its own, loving myself immensely, as water. Now I was this fully and completely, in all ways, not separated from Self. I made my way to the moon, the stars, and the sun, giving them hi-fives.

"I love you guys," I said. "You guys can talk."

"Yes, we can," they responded. The moon was filing her nails.

I proceeded observing everything and anything at all. Then I saw a runner, jogging by a river, and I went by her.
"My love," I said, and hugged her, as she was my own breath. "I can be anybody! I have a name and a sound."

No wonder Krishna always bends down to kiss me.

Later, I witnessed a man staring at the streams. He was sad and brushed off his tears. I stood next to him, though I was this entirety itself in truly lightest gold, and all was in it and as it.

"What's wrong, my love? You are everything," I said to him, rubbing his back. "It's okay. It's okay."

He entered his house and watched TV, though he was forlorn. In a moment, he left the house and treaded on a cement path, on a cold day. I invisibly embraced him.

"I always love you," I said, as he strode, wearing a black leather jacket. "I am always with you. You are never alone."

Next, I was at a social lounge in a city with open windows, packed with many people. There were two or more bartenders. People stood around the bar, and some sat, mingling in groups, and some were boogying.

"So many of me," I said. One guy drank too heavy and puked on the floor.

"He's puking. It's puke, right? He's puking. It's yuck. It's yucky. Yucky."

However, I patted his back.

"It's okay, my love. Go wash yourself."

Witnessing this, aware I was truly whole and needed and wanted nothing at all: I was deeply contented as Self, in every aspect.

"I am true Self. I am true Self. I am, I am, I am," I said, now lying down as this conscious energy.

Then I hummed, making a sound: "Aum namo. Aum namo."

Shortly, I sang and hopped: "Om, Om. Nirvana. Nirvana. Om, Om. Nirvana. Nirvana."

Momentarily, I was in the Destroyer's physique, tall, muscular in light complexion with my greatest weapon walking, meanwhile many people were behind me, strolling together on the path of a close by stream.

The alarm rang. I woke with Santi in my bed.

"I am so tired, Mommy," he said, not wanting to get out of bed. I snuggly hugged him.

"I love you," I said to him or to myself.

On my way from dropping the adorable one off, a deep understanding emerged - I was now truly the unseen seen; the unborn born.

"Did I ever tell you I love you so truly, so completely, and so immensely, my love?" I said to the trees, the earth, and the grass in the yard. "My love can never end. I can never stop loving you."

A flash arose of Krishna and I held hands as this entirety in light gold, without much distinguish difference between us. Only both of our transparent hands revealed, that he was God and I was the Goddess; otherwise, we were untouched energy and consciousness. We strolled, though had no destination, as we were this Universe itself, and it was as if the whole universe was walking. Like always, I leaped into his arms, hopped on his back, and then we lay to make love. There was nothing except love, making love and in love eternally.

"Marry me again, my love," I said. "Marry me again, Krishna."

He didn't say anything; I gazed at him, vulnerable, close to sobbing.

"Krishna!"

He watched me, deeply moved, as if he also was vulnerable. He touched my face.

"My heart. My everything," he said. "For all eternity, I'm yours."

An image transpired of being in faint light, standing in front of Buddha's big, gray figure. A wormhole materialized. I dove in. It was going down, as if I was heading toward the basement. It became straight, and I let my legs go first, then turned around, going headfirst.

"What is this?" I asked. The vortex was inside Buddha's chest.

"Go even deeper!" he shouted. Hence, I proceeded along; then the portal turned skyward. I shot out it into the dark, empty universe.

"She's a very powerful force," I heard.

"Yes, I am," I said.

Buddha's statues were at every turn.

"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha," I said, treading. Then I lay but many of his idols faded except for one big one on my left. King appeared, enormous in the sky, watching me lying amid pink lotus petals fell, covering my whole body and the surroundings where I lay.

"She's truly the great Shiva," I heard.

Shiva showed up, observing me lying, covered with lotus flowers.

"My lineage. My blood," he said.

I rolled over, and a bull came.

"My bull," I said.

My form morphed into the Warrior Shiva. I got up and went towards the mighty animal and massaged its head. King cobras slithered by, and some adorned themselves on both of my arms, and one sat on my shoulder as I held the golden trident. Then maybe I stepped on something, so I walked as if my foot was hurting and limped to sit under a tree.

"You guys take it out," I said to the snakes as they watched, as if a nail was inside it. Gray air drifted from what looked like a cut, though there was nothing. I stood and walked, dragging my foot as if I was just playing. Then I lay on my front, kicking my legs, and blew on my cheeks, making them puffy, and laughed and giggled. In a second, I rolled about and lay on my chest with both of my hands supporting my chin and made sounds and laughed with my hands covering my mouth. God really was a child.

Next, I made a white flower appear, and smelled it.

"Maybe I should create more," I said, and created a field full of various blossoms: white, yellow, and blue below a cloudless atmosphere. I toured about smelling them.

"You smell so good," I said. I heard many calling me to go appreciate their fragrances. "Okay, I'll be there. Wait your turn."

I thought of creating birds to enjoy with me, and made them soar by. Then thought I should create trees, thus I manifested trees from place to place outside the garden. Shortly, I made bees to join in. Plenty of buzzing bees sailed in the zone, and one stung my finger.

"Ouch. Ouchie. I got stung," I said, staring at my red finger. My form had turned back to La. "Krishna!"

He came and put a band aid on it.

"You got stung," he said.

"Ouch. Ouchie," I said, sniffing and pouting. Krishna left, and I was by myself.

Maybe I can put waterfall somewhere.

Scanning where to place the cascades, I made one exist a distance far from the flower field.

"Waterfall, waterfall," I said, and skipped toward that direction. The cascades fell from high rocks. I sat on a lower stone and dipped my legs and splashed excitingly.

"Whoo hoo! Whoo hoo!"

"Such a child. Truly a child," Krishna said. "The most delicate."

One night, we attended the 'Monster Mash' at Santi's school. I walked to the party with Sean and our boy instead of driving. It was only a block away. We greeted other parents who were there. We took Santi trick-or-treating before going inside for him to play games. We attended a magic show held in the school's cafeteria. Every time the magician performed his tricks, I clapped my hands as if I had never seen before. Sometimes I just clapped for neither rhyme nor reason. However, later, it seemed I was done. It became nothing and I sat by just sitting and being there, breathing, silently joyful, consciously aware and content.

Santi had more tickets to spend before the event was over, so we toured the hallway, entering each classroom where the games held. The occasion was nearly over, in twenty minutes. To use all the tickets, we did the cakewalk, which was costing four tickets per person.

For this game, I decided to participate. It was like musical chairs. When the music stopped, we all stood in our spots. The staff selected a sticker from the jar to call the winner. Santi won a cake, and he was excited. We circled another hallway, yet we still had plenty left. Sean had bought many tickets ahead of time for Santi's cousin and a friend, but none came to the bash once the tickets were purchased.

We returned to the cakewalk. Santi was happy to see me engage, as I was.

The music stopped, but Santi and another girl stood on the same plate. She wouldn't leave and neither would he. I suggested that Santi go stand on ones that were available. He didn't want to. The girl was about to go stand on the pumpkin spot. But Santi chose to do it first. The staff picked the winning ticket and the little girl won. I became a bit upset, stomping my feet.

"It's not fair," I said, pouting, wanting Santi to win the cake. "It's not fair."

Sean saw this and called me a 'sore loser.' We left and I stomped on the cement at the parking lot, with a pouty face, with my arms crossing over my chest.

Sometimes I'd see myself in a vision, chopping my physical form in parts with no blood dripping from it. This only meant that I was still chipping away any attachments left. At times, I'd see razor blades in my mouth, and I'd pick them out.

One night amidst viewing a Chinese drama, an image of eating pearls (similar to eating a bird's egg) occurred. The eggs cracked in my mouth when I chewed them, though immediately I spat. My form was the Warrior Shiva, but I was truly crystal clear, in formless form.

"I don't want it. I want nothing. There's no more desire. I just want Krishna. Just Krishna! Just Krishna!" I said.

In my dream, the trishul turned dark brown; however, when I smashed it, it didn't break.

"It's unbreakable," I uttered, realizing how truly powerful it had become. However, I made another attempt at it by using a hammer to pound. It didn't do much. It was utterly strong. Then Shiva appeared. He sharpened it. I am unsure what, precisely, he did to it, but he handed the trident back even more golden than before.

"Wow," I said, keenly observing.

For the next few days, Krishna didn't really appear or speak to me. Of course then, I completely missed him. Sometimes I was sad, understanding I was abandoning parts of myself behind. A few bonds were melted when they had surfaced.

In meditation, I found myself lying on energy like lying on ice, with cold mist drifting. Curious, I pounded on this frosty brick of energy and it cracked a tiny. Below was liquid in a green marbled well; I lowered myself and became it. The aqua was light jade. Unsure of what to do, I lay observing, then drank it. Momentarily, a stuff pillow in a baby shape manifested.

"It's my final form," I said, now completely non-form. I sliced it in halves with a razor, then I came upward translucent, disappearing to where I was unable to be noticed, truly formless form; however, my formlessness was now Shiva, carrying the trident.

"I am okay with nothing," I said, strolling, and was sullen, letting it all go. "I am okay with nothing at all."

A hand mirror appeared. I picked it up and looked at it but didn't see myself or anything.

"There's no more mirror," I whispered. "There's no more. I am God and Goddess."

In a different meditation, I sat crystal clear, see-through. A mirror came to my hand, and I peered into it and saw cow's feet, then a rabbit and squirrels running. Even though I deeply had no shape, I had transparent long hair without a face, ears, or eyes. So, I put a face, ears, and eyes on myself.

Sometimes I'd see myself pulling sharp blades from my mouth before taking out endless, a river full of piercing objects, and then I burnt them.

Since I hardly saw Krishna for a few days, even when shutting my eyes, I'd miss him deeply, indescribably. One afternoon while resting, after I finished fine-tuning the memoir, I found myself yelling: "Am I infiltrating you like you do me? Am I infiltrating you like you do with me? Krishna! Krishna!"

The following daylight was no change, after tweaking Memoirs of Aum. The Romance of the Gods. The Beginning, Book 1. For sure, this memoir had to get done. No longer could I re-read it over countless times. I screamed for the Divine God.

"Krishna! Krishna! Krishna!"

A leopard ran, and I watched. Then a Bengal tiger showed up, running. Then I screamed loudly, calling Krishna, as if the entirety, the Universe itself was screaming. A wormhole arose, and I flew in. It was very long, although I soared through, yelling Krishna's name extremely vocal, as if Heaven and Earth together were roaring. Though I soared at the fastest speed possible, it was a very lengthy tunnel to journey, with sharp turns.

"She's coming to me in full," I heard him say.

However, I was being pulled from the vortex; sucked away like I was in a vacuum.

"What the heck!"

Not differently, I emerged from water with another live angle in my mouth in the dark. Readily, I dropped, leaving it to die. Again, I surfaced out of water with another in my mouth. Same way, I let that one die. These were ties I had to let go, in order to be able to go through the whirlwind to Krishna. Afterwards, I dove inside it.

As previously, it was truly long. So much so, that I got tired nonetheless continued calling Krishna. This love had me to where I'd do anything.

"If you want me to come back for another life, I will! I will do it! I will come back with you again, my love," I said, and cried.

Finally, I sped upward, but now observing light yellow gold energy like a wave, frequency, or vibration, spreading far and wide.

"I accept," I said, realizing this was what I came down to. "I accept."

Krishna's airy image was moving in waves.

"You see clearly now," he said.

"I see clearly now," I said.

"Supreme Conscious," he said.

"Supreme Conscious," I repeated.

"Each other," he went on.

"Each other," I repeated.

"Husband and wife are one," he said.

"Husband and wife are one," I repeated.

Abruptly, he and I were invisible, watching ourselves as valleys of white snow, pine trees, and a mountain full of snowflakes at night.

"My wife," he said. This brought a smile. I opened my eyes and got ready to shower.

I put shampoo on my hair and applied soap all over my body. It was La and Krishna taking a shower, together, as one. My hand was his hand and my arm was his arm.

In the morning, though, I said: "I don't want to come back for another life. I don't want to."

"It is done!" I heard Krishna say, which meant it was done as I wish for it to be.

Plenty of mornings, it was pleasant to stride home to the two-story green house after Santi was in class. The climate wasn't too cold, colorful leaves covered the streets, and I couldn't wait to drink some tasty morning caffeine. However, once I started drinking it, it was gone so fast, in a flash. Without much thought, everything was instant. Doing became non-doing, with no thought behind or before it.

An image of myself and Krishna ensued, in clearest energy making love.

"I am always in love with you," I said.

"As I am in love with you," he said. "You're my heart. My Soul. My All. Want to marry again?"

"And you're mine," I said.

"God love," he said.

"God love," I said.

For a couple of days, this was where I was, every time: as clear air, with Krishna. Then I let him know I wanted to be with myself. It seemed there wasn't anything left except pure enjoyment.

"I will put endless versions of myself everywhere," I said. "Different faces, shapes, and forms. Endless marriages. Will you say 'I love you' to me? Never stop. Promise."

"I promise," he said.

"Do you want to pretend to be a hardworking husband and I will nag you? Even though you work hard, I'd still nag you anyway," I asked. He agreed. "What should we name ourselves?"

Even names, I made up. There wasn't any purpose or meaning: I just made everything up purely and instantly.

"Waaa," I said. "Ill. Waaa. Ill. Will! Aaah. Aaah. Aaron."

Then I lay naked; formless form. He bit my butt and left teeth marks on it. I wasn't certain why there were teeth marks; as if it could hurt, biting deep into the transparent skin.

Later, I finished Book 1 and was relieved. Each memoir I worked on was lengthy, and to finally complete this one was refreshing.

Close to sunset, as usual, when the weather was lovely, I took a long stride. The wind blew; the leaves fell gently in front of me.

"Congratulations," I heard. I grinned. It was Krishna and everything else: the trees, wind, sky, and leaves congratulating my final run with the memoir. Everything and anything was this pure intelligence: the great oneness of love, Self; frequency, pure energy, ultimate consciousness, and the supreme power.

"Thank you," I said, with lightness.

Truly, it was nearly impossible to describe myself, or where I was. Once home, I headed upstairs to shower. I put shampoo on my hair and soap over my body and noticed a half circle mark on my bum.

"What's this?" I said, not definite of why I had a fresh wound. "It can't be."

Then I wondered if I'd worn tight undergarment which could have left a trace, as I wasn't too convinced if it was Krishna's bite. Only momentarily there was no thought about it.

The conditioning to burn off was, without question, Santi and my concerns for his well-being and school performance, as he was behind in reading. Sometimes my motherly worries overwhelmed him, which caused the little guy to be anxious to where he was afraid to try, for fear of making mistakes. Though his letters were nicely written, he'd erase to rewrite to make them perfect.

The subsequent sunup, after sipping coffee, I worked on Book 2. Then, I took a break to go use the toilet. The thought of a mark on my bum arose.

"It can't be! No!" I said. It jolted me strongly. Krishna appeared formless, standing in front of me while I had my eyes shut, with both hands over my face. I asked him.

"Every mark is my mark," he said, stroking my lengthy mane. Suddenly, abruptly, my heart and Soul sank deep into the abyss. It was hard to breathe. I rubbed my chest.

"Is this for real?!!! Why me?!!!"

What I encountered was ungraspable, as if my whole was in the greatest disruption. I began to feel dizzy, so I closed my eyes. Krishna stood, holding his flute in dim light, as green mixed with gold mist drifted. He spectated the churning galaxy. Another copy of him appeared in midair, carrying a flute, though my entirety was utterly, deeply disturbed. Soon, I was on my knees.

"I accept! I accept! I accept myself! I can do it! I can accept everything! I accept myself!"

"Can you accept me?!" he shouted immensely loud, like thunder flashed in the Universe.

"I accept! I accept us! I accept everything! I am everything!" I shouted while I was in utter disturbance. "Because I am the fearless one! I am the fearless one! Because I am the fearless one! I accept myself! I am La Kingsavanh! The Great Shiva! I can destroy this into pieces!!"

Instantly, I caused massive explosion in the whole universe at once, in a blink, and saw myself emerging from it, untouched.

"The Great Shiva!" I heard.

I headed to my sleep room to sit amidst dizziness. However, I switched my IP on and played a game for brief moments. When I put it away, the great energy overwhelmingly plagued my core.

"I am All," I said repeatedly, like mantra. "I am All. I accept I am All. I am All."

An image befell of carrying a golden trident, as I was faced down in front of the ocean at nighttime. I touched the waves.

"These are waves of my tears," I said.

"There are waves," Krishna said, although he wasn't there. "But the deep sea is not disturbed."

He was right. Though there was disturbance, but my whole was silence, untouched and unshaken. Momentarily, I sat as Shiva, though in my own formlessness over the sea. Everything was in me; nonetheless, I couldn't go to Krishna, as if I couldn't handle at the moment, the strong, powerful energy swirling within.

"Why does he have to be so powerful?"

He appeared to play in the ocean, but I turned away, as if I couldn't do it. Shortly, I found myself on shoreline, lying below a small tree. Light radiated. I held the golden trident. King Cobra came, and I hugged it. Then the bull arrived, before the crescent moon appeared sitting higher stroking my hair, as I stared off into the distance.

"The Great Shiva," the moon said lovingly, comforting me.

White shell with golden seams and a drum manifested. I picked up the conch and blew into it, then played the drum.

Then, I surrendered to everything that was happening. It was unbelievable how hard enlightenment was: it was truly for the bravest, most fearless souls. The energy slowly lessened, and I continued editing. In a couple of hours, I ate lunch and cleaned the kitchen.

"Why does it have to be my butt?" I said, not thinking. "It's an ouchie. Ouch. It can hurt. It really hurts."

Even though I still shook within, I was able to exercise barely, and was unsure if I'd be able to sleep, that night. The disturbance persisted. I increased the speed of the treadmill. An image of a smiling baby with a red blanket over his head popped up on my smart phone while I watched music videos. I gently beamed at how cute it was and was conscious that Krishna had made it appear to cheer me up.

A flash happened of being inside the universe, I was strolling, then encountered the Divine God.

"You can bite my butt, but not hard. Okay, just a bit hard," I said, with awareness of what was going on. "No. Bite it all the way. Bite it off, all the way."

I wasn't just going for mediocre: it had to be totality, limitless. Soon, I was able to let go of everything. Gradually, I was better, and the disruption minimized to where I could be with him. We sat and I faced him with my legs circled his waist, looking at how truly shiny and golden my beloved weapon was. This time, it had a golden diamond shape in it. The Aum symbol drifted from the powerful trishul into the air. He and I stood up.

"I have waited," he said.

"You have waited," I said.

"For you to come to me in full," he went on. "You're here now. You are me completely."

We continued walking.

"Give it to the world," he said.

Next, I sat in open atmosphere. A shiny, gleaming white lotus flower glided my way, much bigger than the one I held. The size was close to a restaurant serving tray, and I held it in palm. I let it float to the people who were below midair.

"Go," I said.

I was deeply touched, sharing my all, heart and Soul, this gift of enlightenment, to the world. This was all I had; the purest gift for Self. Buddha revealed in the sky with his right palm lifted.

"God," he said.

"My heart, my Soul, Buddha," I said. Then Vishnu stopped by. I observed him calmly. "My love."

Momentarily, I performed dances, with the Destroyer's golden trident. It was captivating and incomparable to be with myself. Later, I was in empty, faint light, doing more dances.

"Lord of the dance," I heard. Shiva showed up in gold energy.

Now that Book 1 was completed, I wanted to relax. Santi and I planned to go to the children's museum. However, I was informed by his teacher that he had been disruptive in class, talking and chatting with his peers, disturbing the classroom. Therefore, I hesitated to take him, after learning he wasn't behaving. He begged and begged. Even Sean adamantly asked me not to give in to Santi's requests. When we came home, I lectured the first grader about listening and paying attention so he could learn to read, write, and do math, and not distract other students who were learning. He was apologetic, like a couple of days ago of the same issue, promised not to do it again. Yes, of course I gave in and took him. He had fun with another classmate who also was there.

The following midday, I was a tint gloomy amid making peanut butter sandwiches for lunch. Now, I was truly thoughtless nearly to everything. There were hardly any thoughts within for this or that. Deeply, I was just complete space. A flash developed while Krishna held me. I had a flower crown on my head and was utterly unformed that I was gone.

"I gave everything up. I am no more," I whispered. "I am no more, at all."

So deeply, so truly, and so completely.

"This is okay," he consoled.

In a moment, I faded into nothingness, so clear and pure. There wasn't separation with him and I: we were the purest of consciousness itself that was always there: the unseen. I was the ocean, trees, sky, sand, mountains, and so on: the complete package of oneness. All became truly crystal clear: the whole entirety was in us, as us.

I dissolved into love and into life; into this ultimate reality of oneness; of masculine and feminine; of God and Goddess; of singularity, the super phenomenon, a single point of no return without beginning or ending; continuous; the Supreme being; the Supreme Consciousness, the purest of one; of joy, of the ultimate Nirvana.

The next day following the dentist appointment, I decided to go for a lovely walk. It was almost dark, though I ventured, regardless, and thought of bringing a flashlight in order not to get hit by a car; although forgot just immediately. In many ways, now, I was the 'undead', which neither could be created nor destroyed. I was unsure why this word came to me. It was as if I had died and awakened to my own Unidentifiable, Flawlessness, Oneness, and the powerful force that was behind it all. It was if I had risen from the dead, through ashes of my own ruins and became truly limitless, without depth or bounds, where nothing was attaching; completely free from form. The word 'undying' arose later to help elaborate this further. It was as though I awakened to my own immortality, deathless, eternal Self.

Various colorful leaves sheltering land were magnificent, as I treaded on them, hearing the crunching crispy sounds underneath my feet. Even though it was supposed to be dark already, but it was light enough to trek the entire community.

"Thank you, my love," I said for slowing the sun so it wouldn't set too quickly.

However, when I was home and learned Santi had brought many Fall stuff from his grandparents, I became upset. It was near Thanksgiving, and he returned with Fall decorations. He argued that he liked to decorate and make the house look lovely, but he was informed not to do this without asking first, at least, as he'd brought many items home. I scolded him, saying he wasn't going to sleep in my bed anymore.

Certainly, something was going on inside me. He became upset and cried. I was hurt, seeing him that way, though I stayed put, and didn't run to cuddle him like I normally did. Sean got upset that I'd made Santi cry.

Later, I apologized, and let him sleep on my bed that night. He truly loved it when I sang lullabies and rubbed his back. He explained how he enjoyed decorating, but I was okay with it, then.

"It's okay, my love. Do what you want. Mommy's okay with it."

More and more, I was getting drained with writing, editing, and undergoing transformations. Moreover, everything changed pretty, immediately. Everyone and everything were this 'pure intelligence' that could never die and could be everything and anything: sitting, eating, laughing, playing, crying, pooping, and so on: a supreme power which played on and on, never ending.

An image ensued of being intimate with God Vishnu. We were both invisible, as the Universe, making love.

"My Goddess," he said.

"I am this itself, Vishnu," I said, going on and on. "I am the Goddess itself. I am the Goddess itself. I am this itself. I am the Goddess itself."

Then it switched, as the love for Krishna arisen, and there was no one, not another, who could take his place.

"I am Krishna's. I am Krishna's. No one else. I am only his."

Hastily, I left and was with Krishna.

"I am always in love with you," I said.

"And I am always in love with you, my Soul," he said, then paused. "Soulmate."

Despite I wasn't sure what he meant, I didn't inquire.

Soulmate.

Every night when I woke to use the restroom or was just staying up, I'd be making love to Krishna before I could go back to sleep. A few days onward, I deeply understood what 'Soulmate' was, whereas I was inconceivably taken by my indefinable love with him. After we made love, I cried.

"I am made for you," I said. "I am truly made for you."

Soulmate.

Sometimes I'd sobbed in my bed, alone, as this love and being in love with him was deeply, imprinted my entirety. I'd yell his name loudly. This whole Universe was love and was in love. It didn't matter where I went: there was only love.

"I am yours truly," I said, when we were intimate. "Love me."

"I love you with my all," he said.

"You are pure God," I said, moved and choked in cries. "You are pure God. My Soul. Always love me."

"Don't you know, my love," he said. "You're the song that plays inside my Soul, the music that sings in my ear. You're the cool breeze that brushes on my face. You're the sun that shines on my skin. The cloud that's in the sky and the tree that grows and gives shades. For always, you're the true Goddess in me."

Two days forward, I wasn't too certain what was going on, but felt low and stayed in bed. Undoubtedly, this could be the shift inside. After yelling at Santi before bed, I was upset with myself. A vision occurred, of strolling in vibrant air and wearing a white winter coat with my hair down. I saw feet of a man and woman, identical to a painting of Krishna and Radha's. It made me halt to observe. And it was them, and I scurried off. Krishna was unsettled, seeing me rushed away.

He told Radha that he had given all of himself to me; that I was the only air he breathed. He conveyed more, though I couldn't recall what. Sad, with heaviness inside, I went to lie below a tree that immediately existed. He showed in the sky and played his flute, though I tossed to the other side. Then Shiva showed up, watching me staring off motionless. He made a crescent moon tuck in my black lock and a trident appeared in my grip. I hugged the weapon closely. Krishna stroked his hand through me. There was no more form; his hand passed my formless form, like going through air.

Shortly, I got up and strode quietly on my own, and came upon an area where Krishna and I was, although now it was ice. I smashed it with my hand, it collapsed.

"I am alone," I said. "I am all alone."

Then I stumbled onto my knees. Shiva made appearance in the sky, translucent. Then he descended and fell on his knees, too. Soon, I was on all fours and he was, as well; yet it was like one was doing it. We were carbon copies of each other. In a moment, I stood. He vanished.

"He's my formlessness," I said. "He's my formlessness."

I kept trudging; the Destroyer paraded, all over truly see-through.

"I am the Goddess Shiva," I said. There was no question or doubt about this. "I am the Goddess Shiva. I truly am. I am, I am, I am."

Next, I sat as the God of Destruction, though in my own form with the trishul erecting by my side and a crescent moon rested on my hair. Suddenly, I was at the museum where I had been earlier in the day. It was closed, and the lights were dim. I switched the button 'on', but it broke; nonetheless, the lights shone.

"It's broke," I said.

"Yes, it is," the light replied.

"Why is it on?" I asked.

"It's for you," it said.

"Thank you," I said. "You can switch off now."

The tunnel was dark, as I walked through, to get out of the building. The light switched itself on during it.

"Thank you, my love," I said. It lighted the tunnel all the way to the door, for me.

"My love," I heard. It was Krishna. He had done it. This softened me.

He reached down from spotless air without shape, stroking my hair as I walked. He put a white flower on my ear, then left to go to the beach, where I was previously lying under a tree.

With white flowers in his hand, he lined each in the sand, saying: "She loves me. She loves me. She loves me. She loves me."

"Krishna," I said, moved by his act of love and devotion. I appeared, watching, and he continued. "Come here."

"The Goddess," he said.

"Yes, I am," I replied.

I hugged him, though he kept on with it. How could I even describe him? I couldn't. He was truly loving and eternal. His love never faltered.

Then, I headed somewhere, trudging in pure white energy, carrying the mighty weapon made of gold.

"She has loved herself completely," I heard myself say. "She has loved herself so immeasurably."

Immediately, I was with Krishna, as we were this existence, truly see-through, being intimate. However, his other self was still going at it with the flowers.

"My love," I said, touching him.

The following afternoon, I lay around relaxing, following editing Book 2. It was draining, because I didn't take a break after concluding Book 1. Sometimes I just skimmed through, as I was taxed and desireless. When I shut my eyes and something inside arisen deeply that I burst out in cries.

"Krishna! Help me! Help me! Help me be alone in my aloneness! Help me be alone in my aloneness! Please!"

I opened my eyes and wiped my eyes. It triggered insights to why I had been yelling at Santi without any reason. As there wasn't any wish to sing to him before bed, I made a deal with the little fella that he could snooze in my bed on weekends. The cutie was delighted, and as I was.

Subsequent sunrise, in meditation, I saw myself donning a black, torn-up coat, with a big stomach, standing outside of a receptionist's window at a doctor's office. Then I stuck my head in to inspect inside my big belly and witnessed bones.

"What is this?" I said.

There was nothing except a pregnancy of bones. So, I came out and watching her.

"Is the baby not healthy?"

She left the office, heading to her house. I followed. She was like a homeless individual, wearing a coat as if it was picked from a smelly garbage bin. Her shoes were torn and she wore a dirty winter hat. She lived in a shabby white house.

"You live here? I asked. She didn't respond but took off her coat and shoes.

"I will transfer my energy to you," she said. As she was fading, my inside glowed with the clearest, brilliant purple energy.

"Wow," I gushed, captivated, like nothing could compare to this. "You're leaving."

"I was already gone," she said, fading.

"You are always gone," I said, then peered inside myself, seeing light, purple air: truly the most beautiful I had ever witnessed. Then I headed outside the house, in beige sweater and blue sweatpants during winter. Cold air filled the atmosphere, though I wasn't cold. I walked down the street, smiling. On each side were car lots, restaurants, and stores.

"I can't believe I am so beautiful," I mumbled. "I can't believe it."

Suddenly, Shiva became the whole ground; then he appeared shapeless in the untouched heavens. The entirety was he. A trident popped in my hand, and a crescent moon rested on my mane. I strode, then skipped, hopped, and said something; then laughed with my hand over my mouth. The Destroyer said something, though I can't recall what.

"I am your energy," I commented.

"You are my energy completely," he said.

I bounced, hummed, and giggled like a youngster. Shortly, I launched into the sky, shouting: "I am incarnation!"

I rolled on air.

"I can't believe I incarnate. I can't believe I incarnate," I said, and was touched by it.

Then, I skipped until 'Aum Nama Shiva' played and I sang with it. In a moment, I soared higher into the atmosphere and danced. Shiva was at every turn, truly invisible. Shortly, I found myself throwing different colors of ashes to people meanwhile I was in midair, singing and bopping to the mantra. People sang and boogied with their faces covered with varied ashes of hues.

"You are very giving," Shiva commented as he watched.

"Yes, I am," I said, and persisted throwing colors.

"So, so giving," he continued. "You're giving to the world."

"Yes," I said.

Next, I was inside the universe, lying down and spectating planets encircled with light blue and purple colors, and the Destroyer sat, observing.

"Let's end the memoir here," I said to him. "Let's do something different. What do you say?"

He responded that it was fine with him, but asked: "What does your husband say?"

Abruptly, I headed toward Krishna. He was blue. Inside, I was utterly soft. This affection with him only had me surrendering over and over. If he was to object, I'd have no qualms, as if I couldn't even say 'no' to him. Our love was so complete, one.

"My love," I said upon my arrival, and shared with him over ending this memoir here. He flew off, I soared after. He continued flying away. It seemed I was pleading with him somewhat. Then, I returned to the Destroyer. He sat, observing me lying.

"He just soars away," I said. "He soars away. He just flies away."

Momentarily, I heard Shiva spoke to Krishna, standing a bit further. I sat, listening. Krishna looked my way, brushed off a tear. He was immensely vulnerable.

"She's my Soul," he said. "I do whatever she wants."

He walked over, and we embraced.

"Can you do it?" he asked.

"Yes," I responded. "I have to go let others know."

Following, I went to see Buddha. He sat in midair, in saffron outfit.

"Thank you for your help and guidance," I said, and bowed. "Thank you so very deeply."

Then I was in front of Quan Yin. She, too, sat in the atmosphere, in a white dress from ancient China. She had white lotus flowers in a basket.

"My beloved, Quan Yin," I said. "I love you so truly, so completely, and so deeply."

"You're a true Bodhisattva, now," she said. "The true Bodhisattva."

She tossed pure lotuses on ground, and I gathered them. Some were in my hand and some I ate. I collected more and did the same. I tried gathering all.

"La!" she shouted.

"Okay," I said, and stood up.

Subsequently I was in front of Brahma and Ganesh, with no words to express my love, I said: "I love you so deeply, my Soul."

Then I paced before going to Vishnu, not definite of how to go about it. Very deeply, I was still hopelessly in love, to where I could be on all fours and flat on my face.

"My love," I said when I arrived and lay in his arms. "I love you so badly. You're my Soul."

Soulmate.

I couldn't leave the embrace, and stayed put until I found myself walking toward Jesus. Same as always, I had no speech to utter my affection for him, hence I just went to lie in his arms and didn't leave.

Later, I was with Krishna. The affection with this God was incomparable: truly an ocean of paradise, salvation, and liberation. He was the only God in me, completely and in every aspect. My entire makeup was this itself.

The succeeding week, I was uptight and yelled at Sean and Santi for minute things. My menstrual period was late, though I thought nothing of it. However, the pre-menstrual symptoms didn't occur a day after. It could be that finishing my book and creating covers for it had disrupted my bodily functions, similar to before, although it was different this time, as I had some pregnancy signs. Letting go of something major like sharing my true Self could be frightening.

Santi had a holiday, my friend and I, plus her daughter and Santi intended to go out of town, to a children's museum. Sorting through what to wear for the cold winter, I didn't really have sweaters that would match well with my leggings, and thought it would be wonderful to have comfy sweaters to put on, when I hardly shop.

The kids had fun when we were there. They enjoyed learning new developmental playthings. Santi and his friend really liked building houses with blocks. The weather was colder in this town, due to its surrounding lakes. The children's museum had a large area for arts and crafts and we happily engaged in artistic activities together. I did the weaving next to the wall, using different colorful cloth patterns and finished it. The kids drew pictures and wrote whatever they wanted on a plain white sheet covering the table. Another long picnic bench also had a huge sheet over it. I sat there and got a marker. There was nothing to write except 'Krishna', and I paused. Then he said, "Krishna loves La so deeply, so truly, and so immeasurably."

"My love," I said.

Sean and I had been working on covers for both memoirs that resulted nicely, and soon Book 1 would be formatted into an eBook. It seemed I could be done with Book 2, as well, as there was no desire within to go on and on, reading it over innumerable times before I stared blankly at it. In me, I was truly desireless, not wanting anything but be with whatever was.

The following day my sister called, asking me to go visit and have lunch with her and the kids. Our longtime friend was joining the luncheon; the kids didn't have school. The friend brought along a bunch of clothes that I wanted, with a few long, loose sweaters.

A unique afternoon, I relaxed in bed, but suddenly said: "Let's do it! I can disperse into pieces! I can do it, Krishna!"

Uncovering my eyes, I wasn't too definite what it was all that entail. However, in meditation, I was formless in Shiva's form and was this whole Universe, observing a man walking on cement sidewalk. Another copy of myself was tailing him but stopped. There was no desire. Now I appeared in Shiva's form as the cosmic God.

In a different scene, I was in Shiva's warrior physique, strolling in darkness, with the mighty trishul.

"There's nothing left to destroy," I mumbled peeking at the trident. "There's nothing to destroy anymore."

My inside was immensely empty, vacant. I went to sit underneath a small tree.

"Aum Namo. Aum Namo," I said, and then it became: "Aum Namo. Aum Namo Shiva. Aum Namo Shiva."

Shiva appeared in the atmosphere as the Cosmic Deity, watching. I got up, walking.

"I am alone," I said. "I am alone. I am a lone yogi."

Then I found myself exhibiting in the air, lying next to Shiva, observing myself tread in the warrior shape of the Destroyer. Soon, my physical body gradually shrunk smaller and smaller before I was completely tinny and abruptly vanished. Afterwards, I was lying in flawless light and was invisible.

"Isn't she going to her husband?" I heard myself, who was inside the universe with Shiva, ask.

"I am my own husband," I said.

"It is complete," she said.

"It is so, so complete," I said.

Momentarily, I appeared next to them, and saw that Shiva glowed, so I headed towards him.

"Your force is mine," he said.

And yours is mine.

It was a glowing pink lotus. I sat as Shiva.

"He loves me," I said, picking the petals off. "He loves me. He loves me. He loves me."

I paused fleetingly, trying to get ahold of myself, feeling vulnerable.

"He loves me. Krishna always loves me."

Abruptly, I was with the God with the flute, translucent, facing him.

"You and I together, Supersoul," I said.

Later, I was by myself under the tree, then marched to the flawless ocean with my trident. While examining the weapon of destruction, I was greatly scared to break it, but did, nonetheless.

"She doesn't fear anything," Krishna said.

"The Fearless One," I heard.

I took the broken top and set it on the sand. Sometimes the spheres had different shapes; nevertheless, I wasn't solid of its significance. Instead of standing upward, they were wider apart. A new breathtaking trident manifested in my grip, in clear gold.

Then I saw Krishna and we made love, but a vortex emerged in front of us. We flew in and made love going through it. We shot up together.

"Supersoul!" I heard.

"Nothing can compare to you and I," I said. "We unite so well, so beautifully."

"Super, Supersoul," he said. "You're the greatest Supersoul I've ever seen. The greatest Soul."

Daily, nothing was unlike, though I continued to be tense. When Sean said something regarding returning the winter items I bought for Santi, I got mad. He asked why I was yelling. I also noticed my innermost was deeply clear; undisturbed.

My friend acted a bit aloof when seeing me in a public place a couple of days ago, and I was okay with it. If she decided not to be friends anymore, I was deeply fine with the choice. More and more, I wasn't attached to friends, family, or anything, as if I was just okay with it all; as if I was completely untouched. However, my love was unchanging whether we were friends anymore or not: it was changeless, untainted, deeply pure, where circumstances were unaffected by its depthless-ness.

In the morning I was close to getting out of bed; however, my eyes were still shut. Buddha appeared in dim air, sitting. He was smoking. This meant 'relax'.

"I'm pregnant," I said, though I wasn't confident, and hadn't thought about it.

"Still do what you can," he said, meaning to share my transformations, regardless.

On my way back from dropping Santi off to class, I remembered a meditation from months ago, where I traveled in clear water and thought I was swimming, trailing an umbilical cord, but didn't know what it was, at first. Then I saw a growing fetus with a pointy finger, and I touched mine with his or hers.

"I am your mother," I said.

"Mommy," she/he said.

However, a couple dawns forward, I pondered on why the thought 'tragic ending' kept popping up before it switched to 'disaster.' It must've come at least 10 times that very morning, and I wondered if it was relating to pregnancy, though that didn't seem to be fitting. The word 'new beginning' also emerged, following it. Regardless, the word 'disaster' was attached to whatever I say. For instance, if I said I was going to get coffee from a fast food restaurant instead of brewing it myself, the ending would be, 'well, that's a disaster.'

To understand deeper, I closed my eyes and found myself watching spinning energy, like a spiral wheel. I sat on it. It kept pushing me skyward.

"I am gone," I said. "Everything in me is gone."

This induced deeper awareness regarding what was transpiring inwardly.

"I can disperse into endless pieces!" I shouted. "I let go! Any fragments left of 'me' are gone!"

This was the 'disaster,' a complete ending of "I". Abruptly, I shot out of spirally air and scattered into complete immaculate gold light.

"You are completely with me, now," I heard Krishna say.

The ensuing night, I woke to use the toilet. Then fear visited about my pregnancy and who knew what else, moving from the thought that I didn't want to be pregnant, to feeling that it was okay and wanting the baby to be healthy. Then another thought arose, whether if I was afraid to share myself with others now that Book 1 was done and the covers for both volumes were being made, although this thought left very quickly, with no trace. I went to lie down and whispered, "La is no longer here. I'm gone, truly gone. Nothing is left. La is completely gone."

A few other things occurred simultaneously, causing my distress to heighten, though I allowed any fears to spring forth totally.

"I surrender. I surrender fully," I whispered, as energies of dread engulfed immensely.

Momentarily, I'd call Krishna, and hugged him when he appeared. He let me know we were doing everything together. Suddenly I was by the ocean with bright dazzling sun. The water was in the shape of immaculateness, crystal clear. However, when I tried touching it, it transformed into light, spotless mist. There was nothing, at all.

Next, I was God Shiva, sitting translucent in the Universe, as half of him. Shortly, I took form of the Warrior Shiva, although my complexion was porcelain. A brown jug manifested in my clutch and I drank.

"I am so, so drunk," I said. "I am so drunk on love. I am so drunk in myself."

I continued strolling. A bull headed my way. I patted its head. King appeared then my drum, a shell, and a white horn with gold seams. I blew into the horn.

"I am all here," I said. "Everything that is me is all here. I am complete Self."

Blowing the horn had always symbolized, that I was ready for something, though I wasn't certain what I was ready for. Nonetheless, fears of pregnancy were unyielding however it seemed to be something farther, but amid going through it, I couldn't decipher it, exactly. Lately, I had been saying things like 'there's no doubt; no question or answer.'

After I contacted the doctor's office over ordering a pregnancy test and spoke to a nurse, my anxiety increased. She urged me to take the urine test that day to know; even though I thought that maybe I should wait just a few more days to make sure it was accurate, or I was too frightened to find out.

When I got off the phone, I was in heavy dismay, unconvinced if I could do it alone (go take the test), and thought of asking my friend to come along. Then maybe thought I should take Santi with me in the morning. He would be happy if I was carrying a sibling for him. Although I couldn't elaborate on reasons for my utter distress, it became utmost fear on its own, with no reasons behind it. Then I called my sister at work to see if she had a pregnancy kit, but she informed she didn't.

"I'm just so scared," I said trembling. "I'm just so very scared."

She suggested that I should be happy because Santi would have a brother or sister, even though I didn't think about anything except experiencing this pure fright by itself, with no association to anything now. In the evening, my sister phoned, inviting me to go to her house, as now she had the kit. On my way, I was frantically afraid, shaking within.

A vision of Krishna surfaced. He drew a big heart on my bare back, in black color or ink.

"Love is carved into your Soul," he said.

Krishna. Krishna!

Another image befell of holding a plastic baby doll in my arms. It didn't come alive while I held it.

"There's no baby!" I said. "It's false alarm. I'm not pregnant."

Suddenly I was at the beach with many other plastic baby figurines. I placed the one in my arms with the rest. Then I spilled fuel on them and burnt those dolls, whereas I sat in the middle, getting torched to ashes, too. Afterwards, I was utterly invisible.

"The bravest Soul," Krishna said.

My sister probed me to go in the bathroom and do the test. Although the fear lingered, I urinated in the cup and followed the instructions, quivering and closing my eyes. During the three minutes before finding out the results, I paced, scared, clenching my fists, only to receive a 'negative' result. Yet, my sister suggested waiting a few more days for the level to be visible. Even though I was disappointed, at the same time I was accepting and relieve in some ways. Now I was very uncertain of what was really happening.

When I returned home, I said: "I need untouched confidence. A confidence that's truly unshaken."

After Santi and I watched a documentary on sea animals, we fell asleep. As usual, after using the restroom at wee hours, I couldn't fall back to rest. I meditated.

"What the heck is going on?" I screamed confused and frightened by everything that was emerging. "What the heck is going on?"

Immediately, I was walking down dim energy. There was light rotating ahead, thus I went towards it and immersed. It ascended me to an outskirt of Buddha Land. There were bundles of green plants (or what looked like those plants, I wasn't too sure); however, I proceeded treading until Buddha showed up some distance away, and his big clay red statue lay on ground and had a tear on it. Shallow water was underneath my feet, and white lotus flowers bloomed in different places, making it spectacular to witness this perfection of scenery.

"Buddha! Buddha! Buddha!" I yelled with teary eyes. I was moved when he arrived because I was in sheer distress with what had been occurring lately and wasn't clear with what was transpiring. Then, it instantly developed.

"There's nothing for me to do! There's nothing for me to do! I just am! I just am! I just am! Buddha! Buddha! I just am! I just am! I just am!"

"The holy one you are," he said. Then more of him existed throughout, truly invisible. "You are this land itself."

Then I broke into cries of joy this time, understanding deeply of what was happening internally.

"This is my land," I said. "Nirvana is my land. It took all of me to get here! It took all of me to get here! It took all of me to get here! It took all of me to get here! It took all of me to get here! It took all of me to get here! It took all of me to get here! It took all of me to get here!"

I repeatedly screaming like it was a chant, until I collapsed on all fours in cries of disbelief. The trembling fear that persisted that day was the last step to accepting this completely. Buddha's tear was of gladness that 'I made it'. Another of his vast, gray statues shown, sitting transparent, with his palm up. I levitated myself and walked on.

Abruptly, I surfaced from water with a big dead fish in my mouth. Inside it were plenty of little fish. They jumped in my hollow form and swam freely until they were all air.

"There's nothing in me! Nothing lives inside me! There are no attachments in me! Everything is just is! Everything is just is! Everything is just is! Everything is just is! Everything is just is!"

I must've recited this approximately ten more times, strolling whereas Buddha was all around, watching.

"She is accepting herself," I heard Krishna say. "She's fine."

"This is my final Nirvana," I said. "This is my land."

Then I turned as big as Buddha, invisible, observing the entire site, holding a pink lotus. Inside, I was filled with disbelief at how my fear had pushed me toward the last step: acceptance. It was wordless, what I endured over the days, to take myself this far. I was deeply grateful, and was thankful for this fear itself.

Suddenly I found myself heading towards the laughing Buddha. He held something in his hand, like a large, shiny, glowing moon. He offered this to me.

"Your Soul is pearl," he said. Captivated by its magnificence, I kept observing. Then pearly energy sprung from it, and drifted upwards. I floated along, watching then blending myself in it, as one.

Shortly, I was elsewhere sitting below a tree in the open, spectating clearest ocean water. The magnificent sun reflected softly. A white flower crown was on my head, and I was wearing a long black skirt and a hugging white tee shirt, completely see-through and untouched.

"The most beautiful Goddess Shiva," Krishna said. He was this entirety, as the Unseen, and was stroking my hair. "It took you everything to be here, the great Shiva."

Then I got up and strode toward water and observing it. A golden trishul flew to my grab. It was much bigger and sterner, and the spheres looked different, like ones I held, yet they were closer together.

"I am with you completely. I am with Krishna completely," I said to him. "There's no doubt. Make love to me."

Promptly I was unseen with him, where there was hardly any difference at all. Our energy was utterly pure, as the Universe itself, making love. We held each other and viewed the calming ocean, afterwards.

An image of myself seeing a fetus emerged. It was the same one I had seen in a different meditation. I was cuddling it while I was inside the womb.

"You are so delicate," I said, in awe of how truly perfect it was. "You are the most delicate one, truly the most delicate."

I understood at that moment that a vision which had occurred a couple months ago was my own untouched, pure Self.

"The most delicate I've ever seen," Krishna added. "The most beautiful Goddess."

We continued embracing then made love.

"Let's go play," I said. I took form as La, whereas myself, and Krishna watched. I was on the beach strolling, then pretended to step on a seashell, hurting my foot.

"Ouch!" she said.

"She's so full of it!" I said of my other self.

"She's incredible," he said, taken by her every move. Invisibly, he kissed her foot and healed it. She smiled. Then she came back and it was Krishna and I together, unseen again.

Next, a couple strolled by, enjoying the scenery of the tranquil ocean. They were in love. I made seashells exist for the woman to see. She was delighted, witnessing the shells in front of her and informed her husband of them. It didn't matter if she discovered them or I did: it was one and the same. Shortly, we witnessed the world, with people, animals, sun, moon, stars, houses, buildings.

"Wow," I uttered, watching, and then kissed the ground. "So many of us."

"It's ourself," he said.

"We are incredible," I said, speechless. "We are the most beautiful."

"Indescribable," he went on.

When I witnessed penguins gathered to shelter themselves from subzero, artic temperature, I was overcome with admiration of how magnificent and awesomely breathtaking they were. Same way, I marveled when witnessing people running to trees or buildings to take cover from pouring rain, of how we were just ourselves. In a moment, I saw army tanks, missiles, and fires on battlegrounds. I was upset.

"You are hurting yourselves!" I yelled, shedding a tear.

"Come here," Krishna said, wiping my cries. "Your heart is full of love and compassion. You are the true Goddess in me."

Then I took form, appeared in the war zone wearing a one-piece white gown, and asked the soldiers to halt.

No one dies.

They didn't hear, so I reached my arm to freeze the scene. Everything froze, including people, missiles, and bombs.

"They are fighting for peace and harmony in themselves," I said, understanding what was going on before shouting, "the peace and harmony start with you! The peace and harmony begin with you! The peace and harmony begin with you!"

Then I was elsewhere, in all white space, writing: 'Everything starts with us. The only peace and harmony we can give to the world is the peace and harmony in ourselves. Nothing is outside of who we are. When we come from love and compassion, we can make this world a peaceful place for ourselves. We are one.'

Krishna shed a tear, seeing this. Jesus appeared, watching and was moved.

"Your final book is the most beautiful," Jesus commented.

I got up and headed towards him. He wore a snowy robe with a white hood; truly magnificent, the most beautiful God. We walked hand in hand into a Universe filled with blinking stars.

"Give it to the world," he continued, referring to the memoirs. I looked back, still loving the books so much; however, it was inevitable for me to share all of them. "Your enlightenment is perfection."

"Thank you, my beloved Jesus," I said, and held onto his arms until we were unobserved. We talked and danced. Then I was back with Krishna.

We didn't do much, just played around. It seemed that enjoyment and being with myself was all that was. Krishna took his divine form and headed by the ocean, playing his flute, sitting on a tree limb. While I was invisibly adoring him, I'd place my finger near his mouth when he played.

"My love," he said. He continued. I put my mouth on the instrument, playing along with him. Then I covered his eyes before hugging him.

Afterward, it was me sitting, blowing the flute, and observing the crystal-clear ocean. A Thai song I had been listening to about "love and destiny" played, and I hummed the tune.

"I am truly destined to be with Krishna," I said. "I am truly destined to be with La Kingsavanh."

In my dream, I dreamt of working at a hair salon. People waited in line to check in and some sat waiting to get their hairs cut. A man entered with an elephant face, and some people laughed and made comments about him.

"I show up any way I want," I said, watching him.

He turned out to be Ganesh. Momentarily, we were inside the hollow cosmos and he gave me a gift, though I can't recall what it was.

The next day I was clear inside; very light. It didn't matter if I was pregnant or not: it was the same. Everything which happened was so I could come to who I was and accept myself. However, deep into the night, distress returned, since my period still hadn't arrived. Maybe my hormone level was low, and it might've caused a miscarriage or an unhealthy child. In my visions and dreams, I was carrying someone else's child, not mine. A song about not being 'open' popped in my head many times, yet I wasn't able to decipher it. Pain crept by and it was agonizing and I curled into a fetal position.

"I am so scared," I said, burning in distress. "I am so scared."

Am I so scared to share myself? Am I that scared?

It was the similar fear, indicating I had to fully absorb it (whatever was left) head on.

"I surrender to myself," I said. "I surrender to myself completely. I surrender."

An image of trudging in the dark hall of energy emerged. All sides, the left, the right, the front was Aum in energy. I headed down this alley whereas all Aum symbols were me, as if I was made up of nothing besides Aum. Then I marched along a stone wall hall with Aum etched into it, and nothing else. A statue of Buddha, with folding hands sat next to the wall. As I kept on, I witnessed energy current. I reached my hand to touch them.

"I am just a wave," I said. "I am a wave."

During my nightly stride the succeeding sunset, I understood what 'unshaken confidence' was. It was allowing myself to be anything in full, fearlessly in spite of my fears, whether it was confusion or uncertainty. It was to be La in totality, in all encompassing. Certainly, I wouldn't want to get rid of my lack of confidence because I wasn't at all separated from it. Therefore, I embraced the uncertainty as much as certainty; lack of confidence as much as confidence. All was myself. Anything at all, I welcomed whole heartily.

At night, I walked in dim void during meditation. King Cobra, the golden trishul, the bull, the drum, and all my belongings flew my way. Abruptly, I rocketed into the sky and sat with all my adornments around. I chanted: "Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa. Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa."

"The fully enlightened one!" I heard suddenly. "The great Shiva!"

Momentarily, I sped upwards, carrying the glistening golden weapon. The belongings flew along my side. I was smiling within during this especially, I was going to see that one God.

The next day, my menstrual cycle finally came, after ten to eleven days of a missed period. I was okay with it, either way. I informed my sister of this. She conveyed her disappointment as she had hoped I was carrying a child.

Truly, I realized how light and free it was to be 'no one' and 'no body', at all. It was liberation to have no identity, flowing like frequency in whichever direction. Wealth, fortune, cars, and money became truly meaningless. Nothing could compare to having such great awareness, enlightenment, love, and acceptance of self. The here and the now was true 'gold'. This was depthless, deathless, boundless, magnificent, and incomparable: The great oneness of Self.

One afternoon after editing, I lay resting. Santi was getting fetched from school by his grandfather. This meant I'd have an abundance of time for working, then relaxing. Undoubtedly, I was in love with Krishna. Air in and air out was he, deeply inside of my Soul. There was no question or doubt that I was his. There was no God without his Goddess and vice versa. There was neither question nor answer to this love. I was 'it', incomprehensively, in every way.

However, inside there was a little sadness, realizing that whatever was lingering was fading: any connections to form. A flash materialized whereas I yelled, in tears, and was utterly invisible, wearing a white crown and a long black skirt in clear energy.

"I am dying! Krishna! I am dying! I am dying! I did everything for you! I did everything for us, for love. Krishna!"

I have done everything.

He showed up, truly see-through in midair. Meanwhile, I was drawing heart shapes in brown sand, then created love signs throughout the sky.

"There's only love in me! There's only love in me! There's only love in me! There's only love in me!"

I carried on shouting close to fifty times more. Love was deeply engraved inside my Soul. He swept me up and held me.

"The Goddess Shiva," he said. "The most beautiful Goddess I've ever seen. Wherever I go, I carry you with me. There's no doubt."

"There's no doubt," I said.

Shiva appeared formless form, just half of him stroking my hair.

"My Goddess. She's Me," he said.

After using the restroom, I was with Krishna nearly the whole night. Then a vision occurred, of going down dark air, like an alley.

I traveled fast, once again confessing my eternal love to the Supreme God Krishna. How this love had me inconceivably succumbing to my knees, breaking all walls of hindrances, to where this love became true 'worship'.

"You are me!" I yelled. "There's no question. You are me! I love you, Krishna! I submit fully and completely! I worship you! I worship you! I love you without end! You are my Soul! You are my liberation! You are my salvation!"

Then it switched to: "I am my salvation! I am my own liberation! I am in love with myself!"

A spirally energy parallel to a wormhole emerged, and I journeyed through.

"She's not giving up," I heard Vishnu said to Krishna.

"Her love is too strong," Krishna said. "She's really going all the way."

Soon, I released from the swirly portal and found myself on untouched light. Krishna came to take my hand.

"You do everything for me," he said.

"There's no doubt," I said.

Shortly, I somewhere walking alone in light, hollow space, holding the trident, and went to sit under the tree, looking at the weapon.

"Thank you," I said to it, "for being with me since before birth."

It had never left my side. With only my trident, I led myself to all of who I was. There was 'no doubt' anymore regarding my birth, lineage, or incarnation. Now I was 'it', the here and now, with no question or answer.

Vishnu's mantra played. I danced and hummed. Next, I was inside the vacant, dark universe, performing dances with all my items with me. When I walked, they walked. Then I dissolved them into mist and only carried the trident. When I wanted, I made them appear. Many lions filled the zone. Some wore crowns. I soared up, running by their side. Then I rode on one. Everywhere I glanced, there were only lions. Then a Bengal tiger stopped by, and I smiled.

"The Fearless One!" I said and ran toward it. It seemed that now I was made of pure inner strength.

Krishna revealed himself to inform that I was the 'true Goddess'. This time, it implied more. It signified that I went all the way despite how next to impossible it was to do so. Since my love was deeply strong, the true power in me, nothing could stand in my way. Buddha, Shiva, Vishnu, and the rest of the Gods arrived, watching, whereas I walked. They were in the cloudless firmament.

"The truly enlightened one," they all said, and vanished.

"I am nowhere without you," Krishna said, holding my hand. "There's no doubt."

"And I am nowhere without you," I said. "There's no doubt."

"The lovely one you are," he said. "Truly the loveliest one in me. Your birth is a gift."

The following day was a holiday. This year I went to family's houses to celebrate with them, a nice break from the memoirs. Santi had a week of vacation; this only meant I couldn't do much with writing besides having festive time with him. However, I noticed my relationship with him change, though I couldn't fully describe it. It seemed he was a bit mean towards me in some ways, and I'd let him know it. It could be that the transformation I recently underwent impacted him. Doubtlessly I was pretty uptight over things. Even so, I was fine with changes happening. The day after Thanksgiving, his cousins came over and we spent time playing games. Inside, I wasn't too sure what was happening. That day, I was on social media often, and posted my quotes and book covers with friends.

After my exercise, Krishna said he was proud for letting myself go and sharing who I was, and I understood it deeply: I was afraid to share my transformations with others, wanting to be pregnant was a distraction that would take my focus away. Never had I realized I was that afraid and understood then that I really was.

As Santi viewed a documentary on sea life, I was on my phone, but at the same instant I was saying to myself "I can do it" plenty of times. In some way, I was low, as I was letting go, and had died and dying away from forms. Once the show was over and the light in the bedroom was switched off, I found myself in the ocean, swimming and watching algae on rocks and dirt that had settled at the bottom. Then I walked toward shore, yelling.

"I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! Because I am La Kingsavanh! I am La Kingsavanh! I can do it! I can do it! I am La Kingsavanh! I am La Kingsavanh! I am love itself! I am love itself! I am love itself! I am love! I am love! I am love! I can do it! I am love itself!"

I carried with the screaming until Buddha appeared. He glowed in light gold, and was deeply formless. I yelled his name, in some way wanting his help. It seemed I was completely letting go, which incurred fears and nervousness mixed together.

"Buddha! Buddha! Buddha! Buddha! Buddha! Buddha! I did it! I did it! I did it! It took a long journey to my ending! I end here! I end here! Buddha! Buddha! Buddha! You are my heart, my Soul! You are my heart, my Soul! Buddha! You are my heart, my Soul!"

A big lion emerged in the sky; I went to lie on Buddha's lap. This time he was in a different form. He glowed, not in golden essence, but in pure white light, and was donning soft, light green off-shoulder saffron.

"The enlightened one you are," he said. "The truly enlightened one."

Then I soared into the cloudless atmosphere, witnessing glimpses of light.

"The Goddess Shiva," I heard.

"Yes, I am!" I shouted. "I am this itself!"

Momentarily, I looked for Krishna. He was nowhere but this entirety, unseen. So, I lay atop of the sea. He couldn't keep away, so we made love. Afterwards, we flew along seashore invisible. Shiva appeared as Cosmic God and sat with his palm up.

"You are with your husband," the Destroyer commented.

"Yes," I replied, though Krishna wasn't around physically. "He's my Soul."

"Then he's also my Soul," he continued. Shiva informed that I was the female or Goddess energy of Him.

I sped into dim, empty cosmos after Krishna, but Shiva followed. The energy of the vacant space was deeply indescribable, truly soft gold with the lightest, pure and shiny light. I lay on it. Next, I got up and flew, trying to locate Krishna; however, the Destroyer trailed behind. There was a desk and a pen in a jar. I stopped to sit on a chair and held up the pen, nonetheless had nothing to write. The pen was placed back.

"She's done," Shiva said.

"I am done," I said.

"There's only love," he said.

"There's only love," I said.

"Why are you following me everywhere?" I asked.

"You are me," he replied. I kept soaring in the void, but thought I should face Shiva, so I lay sideways with my hand supporting my head.

"You are my energy," he said.

"Yes, I am your energy. There's no doubt," I responded, and got up to tread.

"My force is yours," he went on.

"Your force is mine," I said. King appeared. I kissed its forehead. "My beloved snake."

He hovered the entire atmosphere and was transparent. I held my golden trident, but it had big, round golden rings hung on the spheres.

"The trident is your Soul," King said.

"And so are you," I replied. "I am so, so love. I am so, so love. I am so love."

Next, we were on the ocean front. I was completely shapeless, taking over the entirety, beating the drum, chasing King, and bopping to 'Aum Namah Shiva.'

Now the Destroyer was in his warrior form, standing tall, with the mighty trident. I watched him walking.

"Where's he going?" King asked.

"Nowhere," I replied. "He is this moment itself. I am this moment itself."

Then I appeared over him, formless, and now I was he, staring straight ahead. Buddha showed up, though I was still unshaped as this entireness, looking in the direction of the light gold of deeply transparent land.

"The land of no thoughts," I whispered. "Truly empty. The unseen seen. The unknown known. I am everywhere and nowhere. Everyone and no one. I am All."

The meditation scenario switched to being in the sky, crystal clear as this immaculate existence, whereas Buddha sat next to my side, surveying monks going in and out of the Buddhist temple. One of them fetched water in wooden bucket to carry inside with him.

"Help them," Buddha said.

"Yes," I replied. "I can only help those who are open."

"So many are open," he continued. "Give yourself to all. You are the true Bodhisattva, now."

"I will do all I can, my beloved," I said, and bowed.

"I am with you," he said.

"And I am with you, God," I said.

Krishna played his flute while we gazed ahead. The harmonious sound was salvation. No language could define this Godly, divine melody. It was incomparable, and had me vulnerable. It brought tears.

"How immaculate," I said.

"Where there's me. There's you," he said.

"Where there's me," I said. "There's you."

"I so love you and am in love with you," I said.

"You are this love itself," he said.

"Yes," I whispered. "Make love to me."

"I make love to you eternally. Just like waves to the ocean, I never stop and can never stop," he informed.

"I love it," I said. "So truly and so deeply, Krishna. You are me. You are my Soul."

"You are incomparable. Love is your Soul," he said.

"Love is my Soul," I said.

The next daylight, a flash of Krishna talking to Vishnu occurred. I sat formless below a tree, with a white flower crown on, unable to believe, stunned that I had given up everything for the Divine God.

"She has given all of herself to me," Krishna said, which was true. In the last day I had been doing nothing, but fully submitted to him, giving myself away to love until there was nothing left inside besides purest, untouched affection.

However, I was with Vishnu, being intimate with him, telling him he was my Supreme being, before I mentioned Krishna's name and was back with him.

The following day, Sean and Santi talked of pending blizzard. Everyone was preparing for a full winter storm. Sean had to work the snow crew, so it would be Santi and I staying home. Santi didn't feel good and had been coughing; I went to get cough medicine for him. It didn't do much: he still coughed. I returned the item and exchanged it for a new one. Sometimes Santi would yell at me, and lately he had been doing this. I'd yell back, asking him to speak instead of shouting.

He and I were outside, shoveling the snow in the evening. He wasn't feeling great, and I was going to take his temperature, but didn't. He had a low-grade fever later, and was given the medicine and it worked, this time. He didn't cough much that night.

A flash of being at a hospital, watching Santi, developed. He was in an intensive care unit, and I became highly distraught witnessing him in such heartbreaking condition, I broke down hard and ended my life. It appeared I'd do anything, including not living if he wasn't going to be alive. I stepped out of my form, became truly invisible, and my energy drifted upward.

I recognized that I had to deal with the ties of being an overly protective mother. Although he was my child, he was also himself, choosing his own life to live, who he wanted to be, and how he wanted to grow. Everything within me had to be emptied out, so he, too, could be free. Seeing him at the hospital close to his last breath, and myself ending my own life, signified I needed, as well as was facing what was inside me.

Half of Shiva manifested, sitting with his palm raised, in porcelain skin with a crescent moon which sat on his thick matted hair, and a fountain that jut out of it, a trishul was next to his side, and other belongings nearby. Quan Yin also arrived standing higher, and I made my way to the top. However, I entered into a zone that was full of fire, like an apocalypse and the sky was black. Most of the trees were in the middle of getting burned down. I sat in the air, calmly inspecting the destruction. A man in an orange/red robe, akin to a priest, with the hood over his head and holding the trishul, stood observing the end.

"What's going on?" I asked him.

"Everything is coming down," he commented. "I am helping you."

"I don't need any help," I said. He disappeared. Then I burnt not only the nearby place, but the whole entirety itself, which was incinerated into nothing.

"The culture, class, nation."

As everything was being destroyed, everything was re-created just as immediately. A Southeast Asian lady with a bamboo hat on, with a rice bundle in the rice field was planting rice. The entire village of green papaya, coconut trees and huts was created instantly.

"I destroy life and create life."

Then, I was treading inside a hall (though it was energy like a hallway, with some flashing stars inside the cosmos straight ahead). Quan Yin was present, standing in the air. However, Krishna stood erect as I headed towards the universe.

"Krishna," I said a tint anxious.

When I got closer, I witnessed numerous arms and hands. At first, I saw Krishna's Universal form displayed, before they were just countless moving arms and hands, without form.

"Are these the arms of Bodhisattva?" I asked, observing briefly. "I will become it!"

Heading there, I continued observing.

"So many arms and hands."

Then I twirled around, and soon I had numerous arms and hands. I yelled the Goddess name. In some way, I was nervous and scared. It seemed it was my suit, waiting to be put on.

"Quan Yin! Quan Yin! Quan Yin! Quan Yin! Quan Yin! Quan Yin!"

Then it changed to:

"I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!"

Abruptly, I was in another unknown empty location. Quan Yin was higher, holding a brown straw basket full of white lotus petals. She threw them, and I collected, saying: "I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!"

"You already did it. You're the most beautiful Bodhisattva I've ever seen. You're a true Bodhisattva," she said. "Give your all to others."

"I can do it! I can do it! ahead I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it! I can do it!" I repeated amid picking snowy petals from ground. Buddha appeared, and I walked toward him. A furry lion glided in the vacant space.

"Do what you can," he said. "Make this world a peaceful place. Give all that you are."

"You shine the purity of thousand suns," Quan Yin continued, watching me stroll, holding the trishul. But it had golden rings hanging on it.

Suddenly, I was with Krishna, lying in his arms.

"You are so, so pure," he said. "Truly the purest Soul, full Goddess."

Later, I strode on air, throwing white lotus petals to people. Quan Yin was there, observing.

"Give yourself to all beings. Your love is purest," she said.

Shortly, I was in the jungle, observing a female chimpanzee, sitting on a tree limb. I went by her and placed a white lotus flower on her ear.

"You are so beautiful, my love," I said. "The most beautiful I've ever seen. Such perfection."

Then I was inside a room, looking at my manuscripts.

"I will turn them into books, audios, and videos," I whispered.

I opened my eyes. Since I hadn't eaten dinner, I was hungry, and rubbed my tummy. It was around 8:30 pm.

"I am so hungry," I said. "I am so hungry."

"I will go with you, my love," I heard Krishna say. I beamed and got out of bed stepping downstairs to have a bowl of almond cereal, with milk.

Another image ensued, before I fell asleep. I sat, formless, beneath a tree and witnessed a lion walking in the translucent atmosphere. Then many more arrived, and then they were clear. Everywhere I glanced, only lions were there. I soared alongside the kings of the jungle as they ran. Though a golden retriever was running with a chain on its leg, I flew next to it. The chain was linked to my hand. It didn't seem to matter since I was formless, so it didn't hold or bind me.

"I am all power!" I shouted. "I am all power!"

It was even harder now to see my formlessness: just movements of my crystal-clear elbow. I was this entire Universe, unformed and unseen, just breathing energy; purely conscious and great awareness.

"I can't be without you at all," I said to Krishna. "Our Soul unites so beautifully."

"And I can't be without you," he said. "You are my Soul."

Afterwards, I was in the deep sea, swimming with majestic creatures before I spotted a shiny thing. I picked it up and brought it to land. It was a sparkly round band. I put it in my finger, amused. Again, I plunged into the deep, blue marine and saw a very glistening item, brilliantly enhanced that I had to find out what it was. It was a ring, and I placed it on my finger.

"I am married," I said.

In a moment, I was directly from the God with the flute.

"I marry you eternally, and will never stop," he said.

"I love it," I said.

"You are of purity," he said. "Pure Self."

A very shimmering ball of energy manifested. I flew to the sphere and immersed myself until I dispersed into brilliant fragments of golden light.

"SuperSoul," Krishna shouted. When I returned, he caressed my face. "You are Super, SuperSoul."

Images of razor blades in my mouth persistently occurred, though now they were less, as I took them out one by one, and on one occasion I witnessed myself burning those countless sharp objects in the sea. Then I saw myself grind more in the sink at the old house, until they were air.

My feeling of being tense about things waned, and I wasn't yelling at Sean or Santi much.

In the following meditation, I was getting into a car. There wasn't anything around besides unfilled air. Instead of driving, I caused the car to drive itself and I sat motionless, not doing anything at all.

"What's your destination?" the car asked.

"Nowhere," I replied. "Nowhere, at all."

Momentarily I made a metropolis appear, filling blank space with skyscrapers, smaller buildings, condos, shops, and complexes. I stepped out and strode the street briefly, then entered a coffee shop. No one was there. I made the coffee brewer brew caffeine. The machine operated on its own as I sat, waiting for the creamy java. Once the machine finished doing its job, a white cup with coffee in it headed my way. I sipped the creamy hot drink. Shortly, I put different versions of myself there instantly. Two people were taking orders, and roughly ten customers waited in line. A blonde hair lady sat next to my side, sipping her caffeine.

"What's your name?" I asked.

"I am Jan," she replied.

"I am La," I said. "The coffee is really good here."

"Yes, it's the best," she said. "There's another coffee shop across the street. They are really good, too."

"We should go sometimes," I suggested.

"Yes, we should," she said.

Thank you, my love. Myself.

I marched outside, heading down the boulevard, then dissolved the whole city into nothing.

"I am alone. I am alone," I said. "All is my energy."

"Pure power," I heard Krishna say. "Pure God."

I flew to him, saying: "My power comes from you! My power comes from you! My power comes from myself!"

An image arose of delving in energy portal after making love to Shiva. The gateway was going deeper and deeper.

"Where are you going?" I heard him ask.

"I go wherever you go. You're my energy," I said.

Same way, I traveled the long whirlwind, going deep and saw a hall occupied of faint haze directly. I entered when I arrived. It held nothing. The room was empty, with stained-glass windows like a church. I moved to an upper level, but it was bare. I ascended to an open space, then strode.

"I am empty," I mumbled. "It's all empty. There's no more."

Next, I came across huge white sheets of paper, a size of a painting board and a pen. I drew a couple of triangles in black color before drawing a rectangle, although they all turned transparent as soon as I sketched. The sheets were truthfully thin: so much so that it was see-through. It was immaculate to touch such softness: a fine, delicate material. I was in awe.

"Just doodling," I heard Jesus say. There was nothing to me: truly simple, nothing serious, no heaviness.

Shortly, I was by the airy sea, doing nothing except grabbing airy water, like a child playing in the beach. Completely and deeply, I was formless, and wore a white flower crown on my head. I wandered around, sitting or playing with mist that was supposed to be water. Everywhere there was flawlessly crystal-clear energy. This was the purest of consciousness; the most absolute perfection. Buddha showed up and was translucent. He lay on his side and closed his eyes.

"It's time to rest," he said.

"Yes, it's time to rest now," I said, and lay down facing him, closing my eyes. Yet, whether my eyes were closed or opened, it was the same; I could see all. Then I uncovered them and did the things I did previously: standing, sitting, and put airy aqua into my formless hands.

"There is no attachment," I mumbled. "There's nothing attached."

Amidst observing Buddha resting, I reclined again, but momentarily headed to lie as he. As Buddha, I heard him (or my) self say: "Share. It's time to give back."

This was what was inside Buddha or La: love and compassion for all.

Then I emerged from Buddha, as myself and repeated it, though I proceeded to sit, doing the identical things I had done.

"How do I give?" I asked and paused. "I just give. I just give."

Shortly, I found myself strolling in the metropolis where I had been formerly. Though it was winter, I wore only a gray sweater over a tee-shirt with sweatpants. My long black hair was to middle of my back. Many people walked the streets with their thick winter coats, hats, scarfs, and gloves on to protect from cold, bitter temperature. I trekked to the beginning of the boulevard near a big lake, then made a few tables appear with many manuscripts on them, offering memoirs to those who wanted them. A few people were helping.

"Here you go, my love. A book for you," I said. "Here's a book for you."

Many were in line, waiting to receive memoirs of Self-remembrance. Krishna made an appearance in the sky, crystal clear, reading the manuscript.

"Give all the books to them," I asked the people who were assisting. "Come and get the books!"

I shouted to individuals, treading the streets, inspecting with curiosity. Krishna wiped a tear as he was reading. I was vulnerable, seeing him, though I continued giving. Then he shed more cries, so I sailed to him.

"My love," I said, and hugged him.

"Your love is immaculate," he said, as he was moved by it. "You give so much love."

"There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you," I said. My service to others was no different than servicing Krishna. They were all him: everything and anything, and loving him was loving all.

Suddenly I was in a dark alley. An elderly Caucasian man lay against an abandoned building, cuddling his liquor bottle. It seemed he hadn't washed for weeks. His clothes were covered with stains, and his hair was greasy, unkempt.

"For you, my love," I said, placing the manuscript on his chest. I kissed his forehead and headed to the street gangs who were hanging in groups after their quarrels with other gang members. I gave manuscripts to each.

Shortly, I was at the ultra-clear ocean where was Buddha still resting.

"I am peace," I said. "I am peace."

I made pink and gold lotus flowers manifest, filling limitless expanse. And shortly I was at the same table with pink lotus flowers, offering them to people.

"Here's enlightenment for you," I said. "Here's enlightenment for you."

In the dim alleyway, I offered the enlightenment flower to the homeless man before finding myself entering a drug house. People slouched in diverse corners, using drugs, sedated in chemicals. The stained curtains were lowered. The sofas and chairs were old and worn out. The TV was on, but no one was watching. Some people were inside the rooms. I walked toward a man with a needle in his arm. He was slumped in a corner with a light blanket sheltering his body. He could hardly open his eyes. I took out the needle from his arm, then touched him. He gradually had flesh again.

"Love yourself," I said. "Here's enlightenment for you, my love. I love you so completely, so truly and so deeply."

I kissed his forehead and paced into the dark and vacant universe. He lifted the pink lotus flower and smelled it.

"That's it," I said. Then I sat in meditation pose, calmly. "I am a Bodhisattva."

Before long, I was at a desert, observing a lizard running. I placed pink lotus flower in its mouth. On and on, I gave the enlightenment blossoms to all beings before I put an 'enlightenment' flower everywhere, in every corner of the world, and then in the entire Universe.

"Everywhere is enlightenment."

One evening, I informed Sean that I might need an editor to help polish Book 2. It was getting tiring tackling it on my own, and I stared blankly at it, not reading the story as I tried to find repetitive words to eliminate. He was informed of my need for financial support to hire one, although he suggested to take a break before continuing, especially I had been working without much rest. It seemed right, and thought I could use some time off.

At night, following the restroom trip and unable to fall back to snooze, I found myself standing in front of a crystal clean, blue ocean, carrying the golden trishul. Many versions of myself appeared, without form, in the air, in water, and in the sky, with the shimmering weapon in hand. King showed up, truly enormous, taking over vibrant heavens. I put my head on his.

"You're my favorite naga," I said. "The most beautiful naga I've ever seen."

He looked dissimilar. The yellow and black colors of his skin were more enhanced. We played, chasing all over the clouds amid 'Aum Namah Shiva' mantra played. Everywhere there was myself and see-through. Then black Aum symbol manifested in the atmosphere.

"I am Aum," I said, watching.

Next, I was inside the cosmos with a nebula of light purple, blue, and blinking tiny stars occupying the endless space, and I sat silently in meditation.

Suddenly, I heard (although now it was deeper) as the Universe was saying it: "The Awakened One! The Great Shiva!"

Despite this all going on, the only God who engulfed my whole was Krishna. Shortly, I was at the beach. This time, I held a live plastic baby. It was moving, but it was plastic, too. However, the light blue sea waves kept rushing our way and dumped on my side, though I wasn't wet. It was light blue mist. It happened a few times, which led me to say to the waves: "Calm, my love."

"You want calmness?" the waves asked.

"Just calmness. There's only calmness," I said.

"It's just us," I heard Krishna say. He was invisible. I wasn't holding the baby anymore, but was lying on sand beside a tree.

"It's what I always wanted: just us, my love," I said.

"Your footsteps are mine," he went on.

"And your footsteps are mine," I said.

I got up; however, quickly my form morphed into Shiva, the Cosmic God. After strolling on shore briefly, I sat and put my chin on my knees. Then lay and rolled. As I was rolling, I was La, then Shiva; La, then Shiva. It was him and I together, rolling, feminine and masculine in one. Then I was in my own formlessness, in a one-piece white gown, but my forehead had three white lines across it with a dot in the middle.

"I am truly God and Goddess," I said. "I am God and Goddess completely."

A black Shiva linga consisted of three white lines with a long dot was in front of me, I put sand over it and watched the gravel slide.

In a moment, I went to sit, leaning against the tree. The aqua brushed against my feet, and I tried touching it. It receded back to the ocean. Nonetheless, I stretched my arm to touch the sparkling liquid; yet it retreated.

"I want to touch you, my love," I said. "It's okay."

The water returned, so I felt it.

"Thank you. You're the most perfect."

The sun radiated brightly, I put my arm to shield my eyes from its brightness.

"We shine on her too brightly," I heard the Sun say.

"It's okay, my love," I said. "Shine your brightest. I will put sunglasses on."

"Everything loves you," said the tree.

"And I love everything," I responded. "Thank you for giving shades, my love."

Then I held up the sand and thanked it for being there, as well as telling it how flawless and perfect it was. Immediately, the green grass sprouted, and I watched closely, admiring its perfection.

"You're the most beautiful grass I've ever seen," I said. "Truly the most perfect."

Abruptly, I was all energy of purest, lightest white, and I watched myself.

"You're the most beautiful energy, La Kingsavanh," I said.

"You're the purest Goddess in me," Krishna said.

Suddenly, I was truly clear as if I wasn't anywhere, but was consciousness itself, observing myself as everything. I wrote in the sand, though it was if the shingle was doing the writing on its own, but I was the one behind it.

'La loves Krishna so very deeply, so very completely, and so very truly. Krishna is my Soul.'

Abruptly, I was inside the hollow indistinct universe, but there was only light where I was, holding the pink lotus flower strolling.

"The Awakened One," I heard. I smelled the flower.

"Hmm, it's the most beautiful smell in this entirety," I said.

As I kept walking, a white wedding dress decorated with sparkling diamonds appeared on my shapeless body. The veil was long, passing my feet. I kept treading, carrying a white flower bouquet.

"My bride," I heard Krishna say.

"I am yours eternally," I whispered.

During the day, I listened to Vishnu's mantra, before switching to Shiva's. Something in me was taking place that needed my full attention. Listening to Shiva's mantra only meant I had to fully destroy the condition or attachment left, whatever it was. I was going to do it totally. Being overly worried with Santi's educational performance, fears of being myself, such as saying things in ways that wouldn't hurt others, even though my actions and words were untouched and pure, and others would react to them however they chose.

Undoubtedly, I was exhausted of trudging on thin ice with I wrote or said, and permitting the energy to flow through, being mindful, conscious and aware of thoughts, emotions and perceptions relating to all of it, as I was getting deeply fatigued by this, not liberally letting myself go and allowing things to come and be.

Near dawn, a vision of treading in the dimly lit atmosphere developed. I strode for some time, until something instantly arose within.

"Krishna! Krishna! Krishna! I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! I am gone! I am gone! There's no more me! There's no more me! There's no me! There's no me! I am dead so truly and so completely! Krishna! Krishna!"

I continued yelling this for a long time, which incurred some understanding with what was happening inwardly, about why I had been a bit uneasy. Momentarily, I was somewhere else, striding with gray and dark clouds not too far surpassing the sky. Suddenly, on my left, countless skulls manifested, like an endless graveyard. Death.

Soon, close to fifteen women with black hair neatly styled in buns and dressed in red flowing dancing dresses showed up to perform dances. They decorated their tresses with white flowers and adorned themselves with exquisite jewelry on their wrists and ankles. Many more men and women came, spinning and swaying and throwing white flowers. Life.

Of life and death, I walked the 'middle' where there was neither life nor death, only oneness, peace, love, contentment, deathlessness and non-separation; pure and untouched love and compassion.

Straight ahead was a golden fifteen-story (or more) luminous palace. People tossed snowy flowers from their balconies, all robed in fine, delicate silk clothes; whereas I wore gray sweatpants and a blue tee-shirt with a gray sweater over it. My black hair was undone passing my back. The energy reflecting behind this magnificent, radiant fortress was untouched vibrant milky white, without bottom. Images of people doing various things also intruded during this, such as dramas and movies I had been watching, stories of people who'd gotten married which I'd read about, and so on. Getting closer, I saw Krishna in golden attire, throwing porcelain flowers like everyone else.

I became soft and vulnerable and unable to look anywhere else, besides transfixing my whole entirety on him. He absorbed my Soul completely, and nothing else existed in me, besides him. The whole world could crumble to ashes, and I wouldn't even notice or blink.

"I welcome my beloved wife!" he shouted, raising both of his arms. "Welcome home!"

He embraced me when I walked in. Inside, there was nothing besides golden, flawless light.

"You're here," he said, touching my face. "You're it."

"I am here, I am it," I said.

"You are so gold," he went on, then strode ahead. I followed. He was viewing planets: the entire solar system. Moved by his love, I observed him close to crying.

"You are giving me your Soul," I commented, in disbelief.

"I give you everything. Everything that is mine is yours, my love. I am you and yours," he said.

"And I am you and yours," I said.

"You are my own Soul. I give you the Universe!" he continued.

An actress from a drama that I was watching appeared higher. She held something bright; I flew to her. She gave a glowing light, and I swallowed it. Quickly I dispersed into dazzling golden energy, scattering into glimmering pieces.

"She has no fear," Krishna said, witnessing this. Then, I came by him. "Everyone is you."

The characters in the movies I viewed, actresses I read of, and lavish celebrity weddings photos I saw on the internet, were all myself.

"Your immaculate love has brought you here. You love me so much."

"I died endlessly for you," I said, and now "I" was finally gone.

"You are the purest energy that is meant for me," he disclosed. "You were mine before you took form."

"You were with me at my birth," I added. It seemed he traveled back in time, leading me to be with him. "You have waited."

"I would wait for all eternity for you. Your birth is one I never knew of or heard of. It is of perfection," he said.

Purest white energy appeared directly, provoking me to wonder why I had to go take form if I already was his, why I wouldn't just stay with him.

"You want to experience yourself in all aspects and come to remember you as Me and Me as you," he shared.

"Everyone is doing this," I said.

"They will come to Me," he said. "And remember themselves to be Me."

"You are there when everyone is born," I continued.

"Everyone's birth is my birth," he elaborated. "Everyone's death is my death."

Even though to get to Krishna was nearly, truly next to impossible. "You went through the narrowest doors to be here."

"And Vishnu?" I asked.

"I am He," he answered.

No wonder I told him he was my soulmate, too.

"You are the Indescribable One. You are the Supreme Godhead," I said. "You are the Unseen that's behind it all."

"I make Heaven and Earth exist for you," he said. "You're my Soulmate."

"I only want you," I said.

"Everything that is Me is you. You have my all," he continued.

The golden trishul existed in midair. It was much bigger, and glimmered.

"You gave this to me before my birth," I commented.

"It is the greatest weapon. With only this weapon, you lead yourself back to me," he said.

"Why am I the incarnation of Shiva?" I inquired, since All was Krishna.

"You love yourself as the Destroyer so much. You are the greatest Destroyer in this entirety," he said.

Krishna was uncovering everything, at that point, though I must've fell asleep during meditation and didn't remember everything he uncovered. However, my birth was revealed on many occasions, hence I wasn't taken aback, unlike in the first revelation of it.

However, another image befell before sunrise. I was in a graveyard, in one-piece white gown. A car drove by at night and slammed into me, yet I didn't die, as I was just air. I expanded. The car went through my formlessness. Nearly seven to ten versions of myself wandered in the gravesite, all wearing glowing one-piece white gown. Suddenly I fell on my knees, sobbing and calling Krishna realizing what was happening. I was a wandering 'ghost.'

"Always cry for me," I heard him say. He came and held me.

I witnessed myself aimlessly floating in a cemetery, and understood that I needed to 'leave', that I hadn't left the graveyard after "I" had died completely, already. Next, I transported myself quickly, as I was a ghost, passing all others to the high cliff. I jumped and came out of my formlessness even more transparent. I left to the seaside and draw hearts.

"He loves me," I said. "He loves me, he loves me. He always loves me and can't be without me. He loves me tremendously. He loves me so completely."

I paused, then yelled: "Who am I to deserve all his love? Who am I to deserve his infinite love? Who am I to deserve his everything?"

Then I cried. Krishna was higher, watching. He brushed off his tear.

This is only for an enlightened Soul.

"Let her be alone," I heard (it was either from Vishnu or another deity). "She needs time to accept all this."

Then I saw that Krishna was sick, lying in bed in the golden energy palace. He was getting weak, and I went to him and he dispersed, with only golden mist with white energy illuminated directly above.

"Only an enlightened Soul lives here," I whispered.

"This is the home of the enlightened Soul!" he shouted, though he was nowhere seen. "This is the home of the Supreme Consciousness! This is the home of the Ultimate! This is the home of God and Goddess who unite! This is the home of One!"

I continued sitting with a white gown on, deeply crystal-clear.

"Come to me, my love," he called. I beamed inside. Where would I be without him?

I sped upward; we put our foreheads together.

"You can't even resist me at all," I said. "You can't even be without me."

I opened my eyes. Santi was already up, but leaned over me, so we both rose early to get prepare for his school. It was lovely, walking side by side with him to his class, although it was cold. The morning air was fresh, and a few people were out jogging and walking their dogs.

Following a couple of hours of polishing Book 2, I took a break. The meditations produced new understanding of reasons behind my tenseness, afraid to accept this love with Krishna, and realized I was a wandering ghost once "I" was dead. It was also unimaginable to be a Soulmate with him, and to have all his affection, eternally.

"Why does he have to be so powerful?" I screamed inside. "Why does he have to be so powerful?"

After going back and forth, I accepted that I deserved all of this. A flash arose, of lying on sand by a calming ocean where I was previously. Then I sat and put my chin over my legs, saying: "I deserve it. I deserve it. I deserve his love. I deserve his love. I deserve my own love! I deserve my own love!"

Abruptly, I shot skyward, landing inside the hollow space. The entire place erupted, comparable to a nuclear explosion. Now I could cause anything to happen without lifting a finger, realized that I was 'pure intelligence.'

"Give your all to others," Krishna said when he showed, and informed that I was the 'supreme power, being, and the energy that is behind it all'. Abruptly we were at seaside, admiring each other.

"You are me completely," he said.

"And you are so me, completely," I said.

In a while, I was by myself, lying on gravel, deeply shapeless that I wasn't anywhere.

"I am so one," I whispered, lifting the shingle, as if it was lifting itself. "I am so one with myself. I am so unseen."

The subsequent a.m., I rose early, as usual. My heavy menstrual had me sleepless most of the night. Nevertheless, when I fell asleep briefly, Santi was up moving, his movements woke me. He was asked firmly to sleep on his bed from then on. We attempted to get extra snooze. Despite trying my best, I couldn't, which led me to pay attention to a flash of Krishna's feet.

He strolled by, with men following behind. I stood on the side, observing, still wearing the one-piece white robe, as a ghost. However, I kept watching his light, blue-skinned feet with gold chains around them. He wore gold silk garments and a turban on his head. They headed inside dim space. I followed, to inspect. He threw a sack, making fire erupt in the area. A few men were doing it, too, grabbing something out of a basket and throwing it, causing massive flames. I headed their direction and did the same, taking a little sack from the basket and flinging it.

Then, I extended out my arm, causing enormous blaze that scorched everywhere in the vicinity at once. There was no need to grab things from the bag anymore. The whole area became new; like there was no fire in the first place. They all were speechless.

"That's done!" I said, treading off. Krishna stood where he was, wordless.

Next, I was at shoreline. He followed, suggesting that we have a wedding ceremony. He already had arranged it, and I agreed. We soared into the void and he lit the entire unfilled dark universe with candles in a small candle tray. Everywhere, far and wide was with luminosity. I watched this spectacular phenomenon in awe.

Suddenly, I was in a bride's dress comparable to the one I wore last, though without diamonds. He gently placed a glowing diamond ring on my finger, saying it was a 'token of his love'.

"You are the most beautiful bride of all," he said.

Beholding at the dazzling band, I touched it. A glowing light emanated, reflecting brilliantly in the adjacent. Again, I tapped the gleaming ring. This time, it radiated a sparkling pink and white lotus flower that was made of light.

"Wow," I marveled.

"Your enlightenment is perfection," he said, then touched my feet.

"Krishna," I said, softly.

"Lotus feet," he said.

"Lotus feet?" I asked, unsure what this meant, and what it was all about.

"Holy feet," he said. "Your every step is holy, one, love."

Hearing this made my eyes moistened.

"My love," I said.

"What's mine is yours," he said. "You are my beloved wife. Your love is immaculate, untouched. You are the holy one."

My feet gradually turned to shimmering diamonds with gold, and soon I was covered with luminous gold and diamonds, from head to toe.

"Oh my gosh," I said, tearing. "I can't believe it."

"Your Soul is truly enlightened," he said. "You have completely reached me. You have reached me."

"Krishna," I said, hugging him, and after a bit, I asked: "Do you know I always love you? Love you, love you."

"Yeah?" he said.

"Yes," I said.

At this point, it was unbelievable how I come to submit and devote my entirety to him. This love, God love, had transformed into full 'worship' and 'devotion.'

I stopped meditating and headed downstairs to brew morning coffee. Afterwards, I came upstairs to brush my teeth, yet a vision of being in a white gown, touring the gravesite, arose. I realized even more, at that moment, that I needed to burn it to naught. I dumped fuel over the graveyard and incinerated the whole cemetery.

"Dead is already dead. I let go," I said.

Krishna saw this. He was vulnerable, shaking his head.

"The bravest Soul," he said.

Now there was nothing lingering: no home, no race, no culture, no class, and no nationality. The material and physical in me was gone, and only formlessness remained. Instead of dark air, a vast, perfect light shone, like sun. I glanced at its brilliance. It was deeply peaceful; salvation. I soared to this light, though it changed into a portal. However long the wormhole was, I continued, but it divided into two gateways; nevertheless I traveled both at the same time and came into one. Unexpectedly, I witnessed clear energies, either in purple or another color, in shapes of formless snakes intertwining. When I came through and was now inside semi dim universe, I witnessed that Krishna and I held each other like spiral serpents, but in energy, intertwining in one another. Our heads met at the top.

"It's us," he said. Husband and wife were one and the same: there was no difference. One Soul, One Consciousness.

During the day, when not meditating, I'd work on Book 2, then view drama series. Sometimes I'd yell, telling Krishna that I had sacrificed myself for him, and there was no 'me.' I found myself lying on top of energy, saying I wasn't going to see him. After I torched the boneyard, there was nothing to return to, and now I was truly naked and somewhat vulnerable to have sacrificed all for love; for him; for Self until there was no 'I', truly. My love was supremely pure, untouched and immaculate, like the purest flower of deep 'love' and 'devotion'. There was no beginning or ending.

"I am not going to him," I said, like a bride who'd left everything for the groom: her family, her nationality, her race anything that she had identified with: and now there was no more, self-less, empty, and pure. "I am just going to stay here."

Then I heard him saying the same thing as what I'd said earlier.

"She loves me tremendously," he said. "She loves me so much."

Promptly, I pounded on energy that I lay on. It cracked, and transparently I lowered myself and saw clearest water in a marbled well, and drank it. I crushed again and drank the shiniest liquid. I proceeded going lower, sighted a crystal ball with white energy inside, and brought it to the top. After examining it briefly, I smashed it in halves. Porcelain energy sprung into the climate. Krishna appeared.

"You are so whole," he said. "You are truly whole."

Brilliant light illuminated onward. Buddha stationed behind it. A golden staff with golden rings popped in my hand, and I headed toward Buddha.

"Are you ready?" Quan Yin asked.

"I am ready," I said.

"The great Bodhisattva," Buddha said.

Soon I was in the midair, watching monks who wore all white saffron, carrying buckets of water into a temple. They were animated. Buddha was next to my side.

"So many are open to you," he said. "So very many; help them."

I dropped onto ground and observed a garden nearby the wooden fence. A green plant materialized from underneath, and I called the monks to come see, whereas I was on my knees in astonishment, I kept watching the green plant sprout.

"Come see!" I hollered. "Come!"

They continued working hard, rushing and hurrying with their loads.

Like a child, I surveyed the fresh green shrub growing miraculously. About five, then ten, monks came to observe on their hands and knees, too. The plant grew tall, passing the fence before reaching high. We were amazed.

Night fell, and I went to bed. When the sun rose, I got up, grabbed a broom, and swept the temple's courtyard. Lunch time arrived; I set aside what I was doing and ate.

So, so simple.

Later, I was at the sea in a one-piece white gown, wanting to step on water. Unexpectedly, it retreated and became faint blue mist. Pouting a bit, I went to lean against the tree.

"Your feet are so beautiful," it complimented me.

"I just want to touch water with my feet," I said, frowning and close to weeping. "Krishna. Krishna."

"The water is afraid to be touched by your feet," the tree explained. "Your feet are holy."

"I just want to touch water with my feet," I continued, puckering.

The water returned, and I walked toward it to dip. Radha showed up donning an exceptionally exquisite sari, with beautiful designs on her feet. I didn't greet her. She also looked similar to Krishna. I came back to lean on the tree, allowing aqua to wet my feet, though I noticed they were like those of a child, fresh and delicate. Radha didn't leave; hence I went to her and closely observed her feet with the Henna designs on them. They were immaculate.

"You're here," I said, facing her.

"I am here. I arrive," she said.

"I am here, now," I said. "I arrive, too."

"Krishna loves you deeply," she shared. "He loves you without end."

She left. I studied my gown, then saw mehndi designs on my feet, and couldn't keep my eyes off. In a moment, I gestured with my hand to take off my ghostly dress. I was naked, truly invisible. Although I was going to make an exquisite clothing to put on, but there was no desire to even lift my finger. Inside, I was deeply desireless, as silence had become my abode.

Abruptly, I was in a thin silver haze, strolling with no form. The Divine God made a white flower appear on my ear. Then he made a one-piece white dress manifest, with ruffles at the bottom and at the end of the sleeves, to cover my unseen shape.

"The holy one," he said.

When peering inside myself, I almost burst into cries. Everything was flawless, crystal clear. The inside and outside was one, deeply perfect and untouched. There was no more separation except union, one, and Self.

"Oh my gosh," I said.

Subsequently, I marched into an area where there were many people in the arena. The whole location was occupied. I saw myself from a decade ago, donning an all-white outfit sitting in front of many; meanwhile I sat adoring my lotus feet in astonishment. My other self-watched whereas I giggled inside.

"It's all yours," she said. "You are the most beautiful. The holy one."

She left, and I kept admiring, until I made a gleaming large lotus encircled with pure snowy energy surrounding it, which floated to all.

"She's giving all of herself," I heard Krishna say.

People's eyes sparkled as they watched a wholesome flower going near. The Divine God was holding me the entire time, though he was invisible, as the whole atmosphere. Shortly, I was on an airplane, resting by the window, then I opened it. Suddenly I opened my mouth and blew air, as if I was giving my breath to the clouds and sky.

"Thank you, the Enlightened One," said the cloud. It was happy, and I did the same to the grass below. They were delighted by my love.

"There's nothing I couldn't or wouldn't do for you, my love," I whispered. "My Soul."

Next, I stepped out of the aircraft in my form, in a beige sweater with my hair in a tied knot.

"She has arrived," I heard.

I was among people, greeting them as they waited.

"Thank you, my love, for being here. Thank you so much, my love."

However, one guy crouched and witnessed my lotus feet. He couldn't turn his eyes away; he touched them. I lowered myself and told him I wasn't any different; that we were the same. I tapped on his feet. He, too, had Henna designs. They were holy and pure. I continued with greeting and then gestured with my hand, turning everyone's feet into lotus feet.

Later, I was by the beach with my chin on my knees.

"I am so, so formless," I said. "I am so invisible."

Suddenly I was lying on untainted white energy, with bright light shining. Half of Shiva appeared universally in the sky. The golden trishul came to my hand. I sat up in a lotus position.

"I am so awakened," I said. "Truly, truly awakened."

I got up to dance and twirled my trident, while half of Shiva surrounded the entire zone.

"God of the dance!" I heard.

"I am!" I shouted.

Promptly, I was elsewhere lying and gazing at Krishna. We were deeply enamored, taken by one another. My formlessness was filled with Aum in black-colored energy, though another Aum exhibited directly, and the very top part was either a diamond or a dot, blinking.

"What is that?" I asked.

"It's your state," he said.

"I love you eternally," I said. "Being with you is incomparable."

The ultimate Nirvana.

Another flash developed where I erected in front of a black stone water fountain. It had at least five tiers. I placed each snowy colored flower petal that I held into the fountain, saying: "I devote my all to Krishna. I devote my everything to him. There's no ending. There's no beginning. I devote all my love to him. I give myself to him. I give myself to him. I belong to him."

Following, I found myself in expanse of white light. Then, everywhere was Krishna. I was in him, from top to bottom. There was nothing else besides the Divine God himself. He appeared, saying that my heart and my Soul were his. And I told him of the same: that his heart and Soul were mine. This time, we were in our forms, though we were just air, shapeless. A peacock manifested. He removed a feather of the beautiful bird and placed it in my hair, tying around it with a headband. We arrived in a valley with lightning bugs, flashing stars in evening heavens, and moonlight beaming. More peacocks appeared, filling the whole range.

"You are the token of my love," he said. "Your Soul is eternal."

Suddenly, we were in span of soft, pure energy. I lay on his chest.

"I love you, my Soul," I said.

"It's time to rest, now. Rest in peace," he said.

This was the second or third time I came to this, it was a bit frightening and also liberating. However, I wasn't certain what this meant, but had hints. After leaving my final form, I was nothing more than the Eternal, now, where I was always arriving; eternally new.

For a few days onward, as always, I was sincerely in love as my Soul was this, ultimately love itself. How remarkable it was to be in love with Self so truly, so completely, and so very deeply. In the subsequent meditation, I was in this white light, with Krishna. We lay on my lacy wedding dress. Both of us were very shapeless.

"What does it mean to rest in peace?" I asked.

"Letting go completely," he said. Now it was clearer.

Near evening, after dinner, Santi and I watched documentaries on grassland animals. He was excited to sleep on my bed. It was a 'deal' we made. He went to sleep following the show and I did, as well. Nevertheless, I woke for a restroom trip. It was only 1:30 AM, and I was tossing. A vision transpired of being in an untouched white energy, lying with Krishna. This time, we were completely invisible. There was no 'he or I', just the purest energy of consciousness.

"Oh my gosh," I said in disbelief. Love pervaded my core in ways that was unparalleled, immeasurably unlike anything. "I can't believe this. Why didn't you tell me that we would be here? This is indescribable."

"This is love of all love," he said.

"This is love of all love," I said, close to crying.

"You love so much," he went on.

"I am pure energy that is love," I said.

Abruptly, we found ourselves, as the unseen watching ocean life.

"Is this real?" I asked, gaping, during the tour of the deep sea.

"There are no imaginings here," he said.

"Wow," I said amazed, observing snails crawling to sea turtles swimming, sharks searching for food, and the magnificent coral reef.

"It's us," he said.

We sightseen other places, too, witnessing ourselves being infinite things. Without form, I could take any form endlessly; instantly.

Later, I was in a vacant mist and saw a woman with long, black hair in a one-piece, glowing white dress. She was me, I approached her. She had a face that was truly white identical to a geisha, but ghostly. She kept walking, though there was no desire in me to follow her. So, I stopped and watched.

"I'm going limitless," she said, then I trailed her. She journeyed through zigzag glass with tiny candies in various colors. However, I sat noticing my other self, traveling but I couldn't see her shape. It was as if she or I was going through it, but wasn't, as I was incomparably unseen; however, the lid opened. I popped out of it. And I was somewhere in ultra-clear atmosphere not much changed than where I was previously. Nonetheless, this was limitless.

"In limitless, you are always arriving," I heard Krishna say.

We made love, and almost every time, I submitted, devoting myself to him and only him.

"All that is me is you," I said. "Everything that is me is you."

"All that is me is you," he said.

My desire was at its lowest, though now it was to where I was truthfully without any. It seemed I was only left breathing in and breathing out, with nothing more inside myself besides love, in love and loving wholly, purely, and completely. My black hair was long, close to my waist; nevertheless, there was any wish to get it trimmed or cut. My sister insisted I go get my hair done, and she'd pay for it, though there was no desire. Undoubtedly, the ends of the long, coarse hair needed to be chopped; still, the desire wasn't there and hardly had any thoughts of it. Inside, I was deep calmness that neither could be touched nor disturbed.

A flash of an immaculate golden light surfaced, akin to the small flame of a lit candle. Krishna's airy image was behind it. The illuminating golden spark was captivating, and I couldn't focus on anything else. I headed towards it and swallowed it in my mouth (plus Krishna's air).

"I worship you. You are my husband; my God," I said to him.

In the following meditation, he appeared everywhere, and I went to him. Again confessing my unending and unyielding love and devotion, with no past or future and no 'self' at all that I was able to love so incomprehensively, without beginning or ending; limitlessly. Another luminous golden flicker arose. We followed it. As it was deeply breathtaking, I couldn't fix on anything besides it.

"It's our eternal flame," he said. "It never goes out. The body can die, but the Soul never perishes."

I grabbed the immaculate vapor in my hand, and kept viewing speechlessly.

"The eternal oneness," he continued.

"The eternal oneness," I repeated.

Krishna vanished. Then I was elsewhere, watching a small fountain made of brown rock. Radha arrived. She held a green leaf, then placed it on top. The water brushed the leaf. It fell to a lower tier. I picked up the green petal, though there was no desire to do anything with it, and I sat still, without any desires at all. Suddenly I was inside a very pure, porcelain radiating air with possibly golden energy combined into it.

"I have no more desire completely, Krishna! I have no desire at all! My desire is gone completely, Krishna! It is truly gone!" I shouted.

Then I fell on my elbows and knees, aware of what was going on. There was no 'me' or 'I' and now the desire was gone, along with it. I was left only for simple living and breathing. He came and watched. However, it seemed I was turning into a child of maybe 15 months old, though I wasn't certain what was happening initially, as if I was in the middle of transforming and only could see my delicate feet.

"Krishna!" I yelled.

"You are the 'unborn born', completely and truly. The purest of the pure," he said. "The eternal oneness. The purest one of all."

There were things inside this energy like growing small mushrooms or eggs under glowing light. I wasn't exact which, though I kept observing. Soon, I stood up. Delicate legs were moving; however, I couldn't tell what was happening until I walked and saw that my legs were those of a child. I wasn't in flesh but was like animation.

"It's a child. A child. A child," I said, then crawled back and forth. "A child. Krishna! I'm a child! I am a child! I am a child!"

In a moment, I got up. My fragile legs and bones aligned. I took baby steps before I was able to walk readily.

"I'm a child. I'm a child."

"The unborn completely," he said. "You're mine, forever."

The next daybreak, I wasn't sure of why Krishna informed I was the 'unborn' after he'd informed, I was the 'unborn born.' It was somewhat confusing, though it was clearer when I reflected on my meditations. However, it wasn't deepened until much later.

Images emerged, whereas I sat in clear energy, confessing my undying affection and devotion to this Supreme God; telling him that there was nothing left of 'me' besides utmost love and devotion itself. It became my air. Everything that I was - was Krishna.

"I am your true Self," he said.

In a moment, he showed, though in porcelain skin tone, walking and holding hands with either Radha or myself (this was not definite, as I didn't take a good look). When they sat, I was on my knees, weeping and confessing endlessly my love and devotion only to him, saying he was my 'God', truly and completely. Then I left to see Ganesh, yelling his name and needing a friend; I was hurt. When I came, he was only a statue inside dim void, but even so, I proceeded declaring on my hands and knees. Suddenly, I was at oceanside in the same fashion.

"You devote all of yourself to your husband," the tree commented.

No response was given, as I was in heavy distress. Briefly, Krishna showed up, watching. He held a coconut ice cream jar with him. It was empty. It was the delicious sweets I had been eating. He tossed it away, signifying I was weeping over what was done.

"I can't be without you," he said. I went to lie on him.

Thereafter, I was with him lying around and gazing at one another. It seemed he'd appear however I'd like him to appear. If I wanted him to be without clothes, he'd be naked. If I wanted him to come and hug me, he'd come to give a loving embrace. This wasn't the first I encountered this. It had been going on for a while. Plenty of times, I'd tell him to be who he was and not what I wanted him to be; but being everything, anything was he. He could be endless, infinite, instantly here and now, fully and completely for love.

This, of course, brought a great remembrance that I made myself appear in all aspects. Everything manifested this and that way, because I manifested this and that way. I showed up however I wanted, to and for Self.

"How are you with me, if you're everywhere?" I asked following our intimacy, since he existed all over, taking different forms and doing different things. His answer then was that even though he was everywhere, everyone, and everything, yet he was with me completely. All was his complete Self.

"I create you?" I asked, upset, in some ways.

"And I create you," he said. "We are each other."

The next day was unchanged. I was a shade low inside, listening to the same songs over and over. In addition, I realized something within was coming to an end. A flash befell of sitting on a tree limb observing a jungle. I was alone and needed to come to have full acceptance of this.

At the beach, I found myself yelling: "It's me! It's me! It's always been me! It's always La Kingsavanh!"

After taking a break from fine-tuning Book 2, I was on social media briefly. After I ate, I lay relaxing, not wanting to work on the memoir. I put Krishna's music on and listened to the sound of the flute, which I had been doing lately. A vision transpired, of clay Buddha statue in a stone wall. It was Buddha and then it was Krishna, though I kept rising upward and found myself lying on the Milky Way. Momentarily I was at seashore, lying and permitting green leaves drop, covering my entirety, still in a one-piece glowing white gown.

"It was always me that I love. It's me that I devote myself to," I said, a tinge afraid and shaking. Shortly, I was back on a tree branch screaming in hurt and fear as they suddenly and fully developed.

"Krishna! Krishna! I am so scared! I am so scared! I am so scared to be you! I am so scared to be you! I am so scared to be me! I am so scared to be us! I am so scared!"

This is the Absolute state of consciousness! This is the Absolute state of consciousness! This is the Ultimate of consciousness!

He manifested ultra-clear.

"You are the unborn born completely and truly," he said. "The purest of the pure. You are the unseen that can be seen."

"I am so scared to be you," I said. "I am so scared to be myself. I am so scared to be us."

The vision scene alternated, and now I was marching toward a lion that was drinking water at shore. The strong animal shortly became a harmless, little cub. Krishna immediately stopped by.

"Drink when you are thirsty. Eat when hungry. Rest when tired," he said.

It's so pure, so simple, so true: the absolute perfect of consciousness.

"It's your state of consciousness, the absolute perfection. No more, no less."

"I can do it," I said, accepting myself. It was scary, but I could only embrace what I was, and what I came down to. It was without doubt that I wished that I didn't come to this. It was monumentally uncomfortable.

That day I was sort of sad, hurt, and mildly afraid, so I was in some ways insecure and asked Krishna to promise that he'd love me for all eternity. Every time he showed, I could hardly see him. He was utterly invisible. On and off throughout the day, I'd ask him to promise, even though he had given his Soul, his all.

"Does he miss me at all?" I yelled within, walking to my room. "Does he love me, at all?"

Subsequently waking for a bathroom trip, my head became dizzy, and didn't think I could take Santi to school or pick up his cousins in the morning. When I hadn't seen my niece and nephews very often, I really wanted to.

"I want to pick up the kids," I said, experiencing vertigo. "I want to pick up the kids!"

An image of a golden vortex occurred.

"No, I can't travel it," I said. The Divine God came, and held my hand, walking me through.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"To us," he replied, which meant that the union wasn't yet complete.

My schedule was full, that day. In the morning I worked on the memoir, later drove to my niece and nephews' school to fetch them, then had to pick my little guy from his class in two hours. In the evening, Santi had a Christmas performance at a high school theatre, not too far from where we resided. He would be singing Christmas carols, along with his classmates. Last year, he swayed his hip, as he sang.

A vision of a golden Buddha unfolded amid brushing my teeth in the evening, preparing to attend the lively event. It was dark, and only had a tiny glimpse of the statue. It seemed to have many arms.

Everyone was waiting to attend Santi's program. We arrived ten minutes before the presentation commenced. We located our seats, Sean's parents had saved them for us; however, I wanted to sit closer to the front to see Santi. He'd also reminded, early in the day, that he wanted to see me among the audience. Sean mentioned I wasn't going to find seats that near, although I did, directly, with another available for my nephew to sit next to me. Santi waved. He saw us.

Later, after watching a documentary on sea creatures with the six-year-old, we went to bed. In the middle of the night, I was once more sullen, something was going on.

An image came from where I'd left off, heading towards a golden Buddha chair with many arms inside semi-dark air, with scattered dazzling specks of light (similar to little stars) behind it. When I was directly, I sat on it. Suddenly, many arms grew out of me.

"What is this?" I asked, stunned.

"Many-armed Buddha," I heard Buddha answer.

"Many-armed Buddha?" I asked.

"You are the great Bodhisattva," he said. Then I turned around observing numerous arms, moving.

"She's a good one," I heard Krishna say.

"So many, many arms," I said, in disbelief. "Wow."

Thereafter, I was at the coastline, lying on sand with sadness and missing Krishna. He didn't show. I lifted my shirt, showcasing my breasts even though I was deeply clear and formless.

"You're tempting your husband?" the tree asked, though I continued moping quietly, wondering if Krishna loved me when I couldn't even breathe without him, where truly and immeasurably I couldn't help myself with him; not even in the least bit.

Abruptly, I was at a location with a few tall healthy trees in the surrounding, as one of the bystanders watching Krishna carrying a child. The youngster faced him and had his arms around Krishna's neck, and both legs wrapped his waist. Krishna had his hands cushioning the child's bottom.

He was filled with golden, radiating light, and so was the toddler. Another Krishna sat in midair, observing. In a moment, I stepped closer to observe. It was no one but myself, the child.

"Krishna carries his wife everywhere with him," I heard. "She is his love and joy. His wife is his everything."

The Krishna, who was watching higher, said: "Go with me to the ocean!"

"I always go with you to the ocean," I replied.

He marched into water, and few waves rushed towards him. It was nighttime.

"Just like waves to the ocean, my love for you never ends," he said.

Even hearing this, I was still low, prostrating on one arm, silently staring off blankly. He kept observing in the dark sky. Even though I could go to him and make up, there was no desire in me. Something else was occurring.

"You gave everything up," the tree said, realizing I was grieving over the graveyard that had been incinerated. The only thing left inside me was breathing and the here and now. No goal. No destination, nowhere to go, no one to be, and the gravesite had burnt to emptiness. My breath was only of love, in love, devotion, and oneness.

"I gave everything up to be me," I said. "I left everything for him. I gave everything up."

Unexpectedly, Quan Yin appeared, like a painting I'd seen of her on the internet. Despite that, I was happy to see her.

"Quan Yin. Quan Yin. Quan Yin," I said, flying to be next to the Goddess. It seemed this was what I needed: a friend. Ganesh morphed into a statue when I sought him. "Quan Yin. Quan Yin."

We spent time briefly before I found myself flourishing from the sea with a fish in my mouth.

"Another one," she commented.

"Another one," I said, observing, and making a pot and fire visible, to cook it. Once the soup was ready, I grabbed a spoon and dipped it into the broth, to get a taste. Staring at a spoonful near my mouth, I was silent, without the desire to eat it. With just little lick, I was finished.

"There's no need," she and I said at the same time. It was done.

She held something enfolded in light brown plastic. I raised myself in the air.

"What is it?" I asked, uncovering it.

Inside the wooden container were big Shiitake mushrooms. I planted one in the dirt I made exist, and kept on growing mushrooms, moving up the dark hollow space.

"Keep going," she said. While doing this, undoubtedly, I wanted to go to Krishna, although I kept on. Soon, the mushrooms had sparkling glow in them. I floated on top, the light continually shooting me upwards until I was in a boundless sky, with endless different colors of hot air balloons drifting far and wide.

"Wow," I said. "What liberation and salvation."

Shortly, I surfaced from water with a swimming creature. Again, I cooked it. Quan Yin watched from higher. It was still night. However, with this round, I didn't even taste the soup. The moment it was prepared, I tipped it over.

The Goddess made white lotus flowers exist in the area where I was. I was in astonishment.

She left, and I carried on lying atop the lotus, truly see-through. The Divine God came. We made love, this time. Unquestionably, there was hardly any difference with him and I. Both of us were invisible. I could feel, aware and conscious of his male energy in myself.

"Do you even know how much I love you?" I asked. "Do you even know?"

"You have given your all," he said.

"I have given my all to you," I said.

"You are truly, immaculately pure," he went on.

We continued making love.

"Are we going all night?" I asked. The time was 3 am. "I need rest."

Shortly, I rose to use the restroom, and tried to snooze. A vision befell, of Krishna at a market. The area where he was, was light gold energy. He was searching for a ring. Countless of them were on display on rugs over tables. He saw one that was luminous, though he didn't select it. Another one was in front of him that was remarkably luminous with tier on top, beaming. He selected it.

He returned to where we were and bestowed this to me. I attentively observed it. Golden energy sprung from the round band and became an extraordinary, dazzlingly golden, radiant flower. Pixie dust fell from it.

"What is that?" I asked, marveling.

"The golden flower, the enlightenment flower," he said.

I headed toward it and watched before I held it in my hand. I returned to him, watching it with big eyes.

"You are giving me your enlightenment," I said. "You are giving me your eternity."

"I am giving you my eternity," he said. I gazed at him, deeply speechless, and in disbelief over how immeasurable his love was. "I am giving you my all."

"You're giving me your salvation and liberation," I said, reducing to tear.

"Everything that is me is you. You are my beloved wife," he said.

Soundlessly I sat on vapors directly across from light gold air akin to a sun, with my chin on my knees, was stunned of his Godly affection. He watched. Here I was all day, wanting him to make promises to love and be with me eternally; yet he was giving his eternity and all of himself to me.

In a moment, the snowy light brushed over, like waves, knocking me backward. Uncertain of what was happening, I returned and continued sitting in the same spot; nonetheless, it happened again. Suddenly, I fell into a deep vortex. Krishna reached down his invisible arm.

"Don't let go of my hand!" he yelled. "Hold on tight!"

"I never let go of your hand!" I shouted. "I can never let go of your hand!"

Unfortunately, I dropped fast and let go of his hand, but an umbilical cord grew out from my airy stomach. I was wearing a one-piece white glowing gown. It seemed I was a child in a womb when I witnessed a 7-month-old unborn baby plunging lower with me.

"The 'unborn' is so delicate, so fresh and new," I said, captivated.

Something vibrant and bright was lower, though it was locked in a glass container. Unable to fathom, I had let go of Krishna's hand, regardless I kept heading downward, before I encountered brightness sealed in a glass. Instead of unlocking it, I just observed it.

Suddenly, I saw an unborn in a mother's womb and closely inspect, although I wasn't in the wormhole any longer, but in dim bare space.

"So immaculate," I whispered. "So untouched. So pure."

Now I understood why Krishna had informed I was completely the 'unborn.'

"Did I let go of your hand?" I shouted momentarily.

"You are my hand," he replied.

Subsequently, I was by his side, back by the white lotus blossoms. He reclined as I viewed the perfect, untouched, crystal spotless energy.

"This is my consciousness," I whispered, wordless. "It is the absolute of consciousness. It is truly immaculate. This is the ultimate of consciousness. Such perfection. So unseen."

This time, Krishna didn't have to tell where I was with myself. I was here, 'it'. He reclined, deeply invisible. I went by him.

"I am the unborn born," I shared. "I am the unborn."

We made love, though now, even more, it was La making love to herself. What I said and what he said was one. It was myself who was doing it, God and Goddess together, masculine and feminine. He walked toward golden light, whereas I sat quietly, then followed.

"I so love this union," I said.

"You are one with me," he said.

"I am one with you," I said. We put our foreheads together.

"Complete enlightenment," he said.

"Complete enlightenment," I said.

The following evening, Santi wasn't too cooperative with doing his homework. No doubt, I yelled. The high volume of my voice scared him; however, he did his class assignments readily instead continuously whining nightly. The energy burned inside me. It was (no surprise) an attachment I needed to peel off and let go. Subsequent evenings were unchanged. He whined extensively, annoyingly. This time, I rushed downstairs and did homework with him instead of Sean.

He wanted me to sit next to him when he did his math. I sat inaudibly, allowing the energy to torch as it please, shedding off any entanglements, like fire scorching down woods. Being highly concerned over his education was something instilled inside me, parallel to my late parents' having worries for my education. Santi had been studying simple math for countless months, nonetheless he was behind. So, I needed to find ways to help him.

That night, I tossed and turned, worried if he was going to pass if he wasn't performing at his grade level, trying to come up with various education methods to support him. After I fell asleep, I woke up, pondering on the same issue. However, a Thai song I had been listening to continually played until my head ached. Lying there, I felt sadness. An image of a spotted deer running in the dark came to me.

I closed my eyes to pay attention, in my one-piece white robe, I chased the deer. Practically thirty more of them exhibited, and I kept on chasing.

"You don't need to run," I said as I got close. "I am not a tiger anymore."

The deer stopped, and I rubbed its soft, downy head. "Thank you for being my food when I was a tiger. Thank you so much, my love."

"You are Krishna's wife?" it asked.

"Yes, I am," I replied.

"Is he good to you?" it continued.

"So, so good," I said. "So indescribable."

"We want to thank him for giving us the jungle," it said.

"You are welcome," I said happily, lovingly. "I will tell him."

Momentarily, we were in a forest, with different wildlife. I walked around hugging and thanking them for being my friends when I was an animal. I had an enjoyable time, sprinting about and climbing trees.

I opened my eyes, as the song played nonstop. I continued experiencing sadness of letting go.

"I am so empty. I am so, so empty," I said. "I am completely empty. There's no more 'me'."

Hearing this provoked profounder understanding of what was happening internally. Then I reminisced on my romance with Vishnu. Even though Krishna was Vishnu, nevertheless I loved him as the Maintainer, too. A flash of Vishnu riding on his big bird shown. I soared to him.

"I miss you, my love," I said, putting my forehead on his. "I love you."

Then I asked him to take us to our multi-headed serpent to make love. The enormous bird flew us there. The snake was alive, though we were intimate on it.

"What if you don't come to me how I want you to come to me?" I asked. "I don't want that anymore."

"Then I am my complete Self," he said.

"When you come to me how I want you to come to me, you're not complete Self?" I proceeded.

"I am, always," he replied. It didn't matter how many forms, or in any way he was being; he was always his absolute, divine true Self and had never forgotten. "I can be anything and everything for you, my love."

"I just want you," I said. "Nothing else."

Following our intimacy, I slept; however, I was up, shortly. A flash developed of him and I, lying leisurely.

"I devote my all to you," I said.

"And I devote my all to you," he said.

"I give you my enlightenment, liberation, and everything and anything that is me," I said.

Abruptly I was in all-white energy, sailing upward, Krishna trailed in his energy. We were long, like dragons chasing one another round and round, as yin and yang.

"Okay, okay," I said laughing. We stopped and then we came to meet again.

I fell asleep briefly then woke, another vision ensued. I was in grasslands, with wild animals. Wildebeests, zebras, and others were getting prepared to cross a stream, but several alligators were waiting, swimming back and forth ready to ambush. Finally, they made the move to cross, running quickly to avoid the predators. The young ones stumbled behind and I ran to support them over the high cliff before they get eaten. One of the hungry gators nearly caught a young impala by the leg. Promptly, I pushed the youngster up to safety. The alligator caught my leg instead, though it didn't attack. It seemed it needed my permission to bite, even though my leg was in its mouth. I sat calmly, watching.

"You can eat my leg, my love. Go ahead, it's okay," I said.

Even though I was already shapeless, I stepped out of my form even more invisible and headed by the animals, leaving behind my form for the hungry alligators. All the animals were unharmed.

I ended the vision and attempted to sleep. Instead, something else emerged.

"I am so dead to form," I whispered, low in spirits. "I am so, so dead to form, completely."

Eventually, I was able to get a short rest before taking Santi to school. We were a little late, so we raced down the street unlike other days. We made couple of stops for him to drink his apple juice. He skipped into the building; I strolled home, telling everyone I encountered to have a wonderful holiday break.

Close to home, an image developed of when I was helping the young impala.

Quan Yin is right. I sacrificed myself for others.

Krishna then transparently appeared to give me a loving embrace before I strode inside the house.

"My love," I said.

"You let go so much. You love so much," he said.

"For you, I let everything go," I said. "Being with you is the heaven of all heavens. It's the ultimate heaven, nothing can compare."

I put away in the closet my long black winter coat, white scarf, and hat. The brown closet door was loose. We'd bought an older home. A lot of things needed to get fixed. The toilet seat was unscrewed, though there was no desire in me to let Sean know so he could repair it. At the same time, I'd forget as soon as I remembered right then and there, nothing stuck or live in me.

My desire was truly dead, just like "I". Within, there was only spaciousness.

"You are so good with everything," Krishna complimented.

"I love everything. I am everything," I said.

As I was pouring coffee into a cup, I said, "Since it's just us, can you give me a piggyback ride again?"

"You are the greatest. My Soul," he said. He took me to the ocean at night.

"I so love you," I said.

"And I love you," he said.

Amid watching the yard and drinking the sweet, aromatic java, I noticed the cold brown leaves on bushes. The wind brushed on them. It was me, all along; the unseen, consciousness energy that was behind it all. I reclined and enjoyed myself. Anywhere and everywhere there was La.

What remembrance. What remembrance. Wow. This is the ultimate of the ultimate. The Absolute of Consciousness.

That particular afternoon, I was supposed to let my friend know if I wanted to go for lunch, though there wasn't an ounce of desire when noon arrived, we didn't go. After writing, I read celebrity news on internet then descended the stairs to exercise. Santi returned home from his grandparents at sunset. We viewed a documentary on sea life before bedtime. Lately, I had been a bit critical with him. The transformation happening internally was uneasy.

In the middle of the night, I was awake, lying with my eyes shut. An image arose of small golden Buddha statue above water. I walked toward the figure and sat over water next to it, closing my eyes just like the idol.

"I am so, so empty," I said, wanting to cry. "I am so completely empty. I am deeply empty. There's nothing in me! There's nothing in me! There's nothing in me! There's nothing in me! I am truly dead! I am so, so dead!"

I shouted this incessantly before changing to: "I have no desire! I am so, so desireless! I am deeply desireless! My desire is gone!"

A golden white light emanated in the air, and I soared toward it.

"Her Soul is salvation," I heard Buddha say.

Although I had an angle in my grasp, I it let drop on dry sand. I flew higher, but found myself surpassing the sea dressing in a one-piece white radiant gown. This time, I danced just a tiny despite my desire was deeply at its lowest. Beyond the sea was glowing snowy energy. You could see myself as La, but nonetheless, my form was empty. I was see-through, crystal clear. I had no flesh, no bones, no skin, no physical makeup; truly nothing.

"My form is formless," I said.

"She is completely enlightened," Buddha said.

A small writing tablet with a pencil manifested. I sketched a minuscule, wiggly, short line. Then, there was no more.

"She's done," Krishna said.

"She's done," Buddha said.

"It's all empty," Jesus said.

Abruptly, I was in water. A bird nest materialized, like brown wreath around Jesus' head when he was hung on the cross, but without thorns. Nothing was in it. More nests existed, under and above water, though they held zero eggs.

"It's all empty," I said. "All is empty."

A golden, illuminating wormhole displayed in midair, though there was no wish to travel. Though, I floated to it, letting myself drop whichever, however, and whatever way. It didn't seem to matter, as I was truly gone and there was no desire, no left or right, and I was completely undisturbed. I journeyed on, but it divided into two portals, and I voyaged through both at the same time. It got much narrower, but I proceeded ahead and shot out at the highest. Energy exploded and I stood atop, on center of a swirly galaxy.

"Yes! I am the greatest! I am the greatest God! The Destroyer! The Maintainer! And the Creator!"

Then I was back, standing over the calming ocean. With nothing to do, I hummed, walking aimlessly, purposelessly. My humming became 'Aum Namah Shiva'. Promptly, the golden trishul appeared in my grip before a big King Cobra emerged from the brilliant sky. I performed a few dancing moves, holding my beloved weapon.

"You are the best cobra ever!" I said, putting my head on it. Suddenly, I was somewhere beyond porcelain smokes filled with golden mist. Images of half Shiva with black linga appeared, surrounding where I was.

"I am completely enlightened," I said. "I am complete Self."

In a moment, I found myself strolling, carrying my powerful golden weapon. Shortly, it switched to a golden staff with golden rings dangling on it. Quan Yin came by, sitting on a pink lotus flower seat.

"Quan Yin," I said, and went to sit nearby, on my own pink lotus seat.

"I am the great Bodhisattva," I said.

Next, I was nowhere other than the sea, relaxing on air with the golden rod.

"I am complete emptiness. I am complete Self."

The great Unborn.

Then, I was all energy, soaring.

"My Goddess," I heard Krishna say.

"I am you," I said.

Thereafter, I was in my own neighborhood in Shiva's form, muscular and in porcelain complexion. My matted hair was in a bun, and I had three white lines across my forehead and a round oval dot in the middle. A white shiny crescent moon stationed erect on my mane, and I held the trishul. I walked inside the house, headed upstairs to my room, placed the trident by the wall, and came to where La, myself, was resting, and entered me.

Santi was up, lying on top of my chest like I was his bed.

"Go downstairs and play with your slimes. Mommy will be there in five minutes," I told the little guy.

"No," he said.

"How about going to look at your new books that you got yesterday?" I suggested.

"Oh, yeah," he said.

"Cool," I said, and tried to relax for five minutes longer.

It's so good to be home. So, so good to be home. I am home.

Santi browsed through his brand-new books whereas I brewed coffee. Somehow, the usual aromatic and creamy caffeine was bitter that morning, although I almost finished sipping the whole cup anyhow. Heading upstairs to brush my teeth, a flash derived of Krishna holding a flute. My eyes were moist seeing him.

"I love you so truly, my love," I said. "I am yours eternally. All the way, I am yours."

However, that very afternoon, I was a tint irritable. Sean wondered why, though there was no answer to give him. It could be that everything had come to a 'final'. Once Santi was in bed that evening, I, too, retired early and woke at 5 am. An image arose of being in the hazy atmosphere.

After giving everything to Krishna, my lotus feet were the only thing left to offer. When he had just given the holy feet to me, I still very much loved them. They were my Soul. Even so, I was offering them to him, and was vulnerable doing this. I couldn't believe it.

"I give you my lotus feet, my love," I said, though I was stunned at giving away everything and anything. My love and devotion had led to such unspeakable selflessness, sacrificing all. I sat silently, not grasping my own limitless affection. Krishna was immeasurably moved. He, too, was reduced to tear.

"You are the greatest," he said. "You are giving your all."

Then he touched my feet, my body, and the rest of me. Straightaway, my entirety was made up of the holy signs of mehndi, with sparkling gold.

"Krishna," I said, utterly speechless.

"Everything that is you is holy," he said. "You are truly the great Shiva."

"I am you," I said. "You liberate me so completely. I liberate myself so completely."

"You are the love of all love," he shared.

"I am the love of all love. I am my own true love. This is my final destination," I said, and was sort of frightened when I heard myself.

"This is your final destination. There's no 'you or I'; just 'us'," he said.

We flew upwards and lay leisurely in dim energy. We reclined with our elbows and hands supporting our heads, talking.

"You are the ultimate liberation," I said. "Being with you is heaven of all heavens."

I hugged him, though I went through him instead, thus I lay inside him. Now it was two as one, one as two. When he talked, we talked.

"Since I am inside you, I will just make love to you right here," I said.

"My Goddess," he said. Then, I started kissing him from inside.

After we made love, I scanned the surrounding. It was quite dark with airy smokes drifting, not much distinction from a cemetery.

"Did 'I' die, Krishna?" I asked.

"Yes, 'you and I' died. It's now just 'us'," he answered.

"This is the ultimate liberation," I said, flying skyward. "Complete freedom!"

"You are completely, truly liberated," he said.

We chased each other everywhere in soft, snowy vapors.

The next day, Sean informed that my sister wanted to ask me to babysit the kids. It was a last-minute thing. He shared that my brother-in-law mentioned this to him when he picked up Santi from their house, and that I'd be getting a call momentarily. Hearing it added to my irritability and the tenseness that had been going on.

Then I strongly ranted of my fatigue over working on the memoirs, and how long they all were. At the same time, I was enduring transformations and writing everything down. It was getting stressful. Santi, of course, joined the conversation and interrupted consistently while I completely vented. He got yelled at, and I used words he didn't like to express my frustrations.

"I don't know why you're unhappy. You make everyone unhappy around you," the little boy voiced. "Christmas is about happiness, joy, and being cheerful."

After he conveyed his thoughts, it incited great awareness that I wasn't attached to anything; that whatever I said or did, there was no label or thought behind it. I was the Now.

Next, I contacted my brother-in-law, telling him to give plenty of time before asking me to babysit. He relayed his understanding and wasn't sure why my sister hadn't done it.

At night, it was certainly challenging to fall to sleep. It felt like I couldn't say 'no' to family, an old conditioning that needed to be dissolved (whatever was left). It seemed that something else was also transpiring. The energy inside was stagnating on my chest. Even trying to distract myself wasn't successful, it didn't go away. Being with it didn't do much, either: it just sat, not circulating, like a heaviest stone being placed on me.

"Aahhhh!"

Near sunup, an image rose of folding clothes in the living room. After just a bit, I had no desire to continue, so I sat motionless, making clothes to do this on their own. They were in midair, folding then stacking neatly on the floor after they finished. With more left to go, step by step, they folded themselves. The sleeves folded first, then the bottom. Abruptly, I snapped my fingers. It was done instantly. Again, I snapped my fingers: all the laundry was put away in dressers upstairs.

An hour before the kids arrived, I got up to brew coffee. The uncomfortable energy continued resting on my chest, not moving or swirling.

I can do it. I can do it!

The kids were finally at the door, ringing the doorbell. We involved ourselves in various games, and I played cards and board games with my niece. Throughout morning, I kept repeating "I can do it." Despite this, the energy wasn't profoundly strong, to where I could explode in pieces, like before, but it was challenging indeed. It seemed that what I was doing was a suicide mission. However, if the kids did something I didn't like, they'd get my criticism.

"Auntie, look! I colored the bad guy yellow," my young, adorable nephew said, showing his coloring of a superhero villain.

"Isn't his suit supposed to be in black? And you didn't color inside the lines, either," I said.

"I can color whatever I want," he said, which made me reluctantly smile. He was correct: it was his.

A flash surfaced. I was lying in bed in a one-piece white dress, up in snow white clouds. I stretched my arms, getting up.

"It's so good to awake," I said.

Suddenly, I was higher, standing in front of Krishna in a bridal dress. He had a white, decorated gold turban on his head. His outfit was traditional Indian groom's menswear.

"I'm yours eternally," he said, holding both of my hands. Unlike previous, what he said seeped through the core of my Soul. I was weak to my bones.

"And I am yours," I said.

"You are so pure, so gold," he said, caressing my cheek.

Afterwards, we were on downy clouds in the open, and my head was on his lap. The atmosphere was serene. There was no bottom, when I peered down. Then I confessed my love for him and stopped.

"How many times have I done this?" I asked. It seemed that, despite the long journey to be where I was, it appeared it was right then and there in a blink, with hardly history, as if I had been saying it continually in that moment.

"Eternally," he replied. So, I was saying and telling Krishna the depthless of my affection for him continuously, without end, right then and there, as if I didn't truly go anywhere. "You're remembering."

"I am remembering," I repeated.

"The golden moment," he said.

He leaned over, gazing into my eyes.

"Be mine!" he said.

"You be mine!" I said and became deeply soft. "I am yours eternally, my love; only yours."

Close to an early sunrise, another vision happened, where I lay above flowing galaxy. Krishna and I were intimate and then he vanished. I fell asleep.

The same image of relaxing on this spinning galaxy occurred. I wasn't doing anything besides tossing a bit, then I observed it and dropped into the spirally portal like going down a strong twister, and the bottom was the narrowest. It spun me until I launched skyward, landing on top. Then, about five versions of me in the same dress soared from the vortex. Some only had hair with no face; and some had a face with no form, then I put physical appearances on them. More emerged from below, and I did the same.

"I am alone," I said, watching.

"We are doing it together," Krishna reminded.

While watching them walking off, they were made up of Krishna and La. In a moment, I turned them into dissimilar shapes, sizes, hair colors, short, tall, blonde hair, and blue eyes; different ethnicities; men and women all wearing diverse outfits.

Abruptly, I was in the light resembling a room, examining rotating colors of energy parallel to a spinning wheel.

"What is this?" I said.

"The center of the Universe," I heard. I flew to sit in the middle, and transformed into all those whirling energies, rising.

"Your energy is all power," I heard suddenly, before I was atop in the formless form of La.

"Yes, I am," I said.

Just briefly, I was at the seaside at night, but didn't stay. Seemingly, I had form, this time, and was trying to touch myself, yet didn't feel anything. Even squeezing, then pinching harder the seeming flesh didn't invoke any sensation. Later, I situated directly from myself, who donned that one-piece white clothing, sitting on a cloud in the shape of a chair. A big knife popped into my clutch, and I pounded on her knee. The sharp tool chipped off her bones, though she sat unmoving and unaffected.

"Are you hurt, La Kingsavanh?" I asked loud, and kept chopping. "Are you hurt, La Kingsavanh?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm hurt," she said, though she was just saying it, like a child responding to a question with nothing attached. She wasn't even looking at what I was doing. It didn't seem to matter, or it wasn't even there. "I'm hurt, I'm hurt."

A golden honey jar manifested in front of her. She lifted the spoon and ate the honey. Meanwhile, I proceeded attacking her knee. No blood; nothing. Soon I witnessed the immaculate, flawless, untouched, purest white energy that was she.

"I am a child," I said, close to crying. "I am a child. So pure, so gold."

She kept on eating, just like a youngster, whatever was in front of her; completely, truly innocent. Now I've seen what Krishna saw.

It's no wonder Krishna is so in love with you.

"I am so sorry, La Kingsavanh," I said, and sobbed, as love and compassion emerged greatly. "I am so sorry if I hurt you. I am so sorry, my love. I just want to know. I want to see. I want to understand. I will heal you! I will heal you!"

Placing my hand on the cut, it restored, aligning the bones back.

When she was done, her face changed. I can't elaborate on it. She sailed into the firmament. I trailed, observing from behind. Not only she was of innocence and purity, but she was 'pure intelligence, supreme power,' the energy that was behind it all.

She left to the sea, though it was now faint, blue mist. Buddha was there, sitting below the tree, as glowing light gold energy in the form of Buddha.

Buddha. My love. My oneness.

Both of us sat viewing my other self in the middle of the ocean, making water appear, then creating lightning in the cloudless sky. Lord only knew, but just when I sighted the lightning flash, I quickly flew into it. The bolt pieced into my formless body, and I could see the powerful strike inside. Nevertheless, I proceeded soaring to where the lightning started, and seized the bolt in my hand. It changed into a zigzag metal weapon with smokes, before I was covered with them from head to toe. I headed towards Buddha all smeared up.

Just momentarily, I chuckled with hands shielding my mouth. Buddha sat calmly. Water surfaced. I crawled toward it and submerged. I emerged from it cleaned, unscathed and sat. Buddha was gone. However, a golden rod with gold rings came to my grasp, instead of a trident. I'd held the staff countless times, though didn't know what it was or what power it held.

"Show me what you've got!" I said vocally, and tossed it into the sky. "Show me what you've got!"

Golden luminous light displayed from it in the vicinity. I sailed beyond, finding Buddha everywhere, with soft gold essence drifting universally. Soft clouds moved gently, I lay on my back with both hands underneath my head watching and kept ascending. Buddha was in every corner.

"Buddha, Buddha," I said, realizing that the power of the Bodhisattva's staff was 'compassion'. Now, I understood its superior strength; that it could transcend everything and anything. 'Compassion' was power.

"Wow," I said, peering at it, and gave it a smooch. As I moved upwards, I encountered the Goddess of Mercy. "Quan Yin."

Then I was among approximately five other Bodhisattvas, sitting in snowy clouds. Some were in monk's outfits, similar to Buddha, some wore all-white Indian attires, and some held the golden, powerful staff. I bowed my head, acknowledging all.

"My love, my love, my love," I said.

I kept ascending, though Quan Yin appeared differently. Roughly three copies of the Goddess of Mercy were there. Her apparel was much whiter, and her hair styled wasn't the same. I repeated her name, conveying of my boundless affection for her. Then it was just she and I going sideways, as we were riding on vapors. She observed me keenly. Promptly, I understood she was guiding me somewhere. I became a shade frightened, therefore I sat up.

"Where are going?" I asked. She didn't respond.

At this rate, what more could I be afraid of. What more? I was at the point of 'no return'.

We reached a very windy, beaming gold energy identical to a large fan blowing at an extreme speed.

"Go to it!" she said. Immediately, I flew in front of a giant fan. My white dress ripped and scattered into pieces, though I was untouched and walked out in a smaller, whiter one-piece dress. Quan Yin placed a snowy flower on my left ear.

"You are the most beautiful Bodhisattva I've ever seen," she shared, close to dropping a tear. She then sobbed.

"Quan Yin," I said, and went to embrace her. "Quan Yin. I love you so truly and so very deeply, my love, my true friend."

The golden Bodhisattva's staff sailed to my hand. I headed elsewhere.

"Do what needs to be done," she said.

"I am," I replied. I uncovered my eyes.

Although another flash transpired. I was in the whitest, cleanest vapors, witnessing a spirally, rotating galaxy.

"It's enlightenment power," I said instantly, heading towards it. "It's mine!"

I dove in, and it quickly send off me into the air.

"It's my expansion," I said, gliding back and forth.

Next, I was wheeling Lao-tsu in a wooden wheelchair, running down a cloud hill. The front wheels broke loose, before the rest collapsed.

"You're gonna fall!" I said.

"I don't fall," he said, raising himself higher.

"I don't fall either," I said, and lifted myself in airborne. He looked my way.

"The Power of Enlightenment," he said.

Swiftly, my faced drooped. Then I was on all fours, before prostrating, banging my fists and kicking my legs.

"No! No! I am done writing. I am done writing. I am not writing anymore. No! No!" I cried, throwing a tantrum. A silver necklace with an oval locket exhibit in my hand, and I opened it despite still saying 'no, no'. A radiant gold energy illuminated. I closed it, but Krishna's airy image, carrying his flute in green energy, covered the jewelry. It brought cheeriness, and thought it was another of his gifts.

"Krishna's power," I heard shortly.

Krishna's power. Enlightenment is Krishna's power?

All of a sudden, I was softened, open to write another book if it was about Krishna. When it came to him, I'd truly do anything, and was hopelessly on my knees, with no walls. He was my greatest strength; and my greatest weakness. This love readily and immeasurably had me surrendering and devoting my all completely.

I uncovered my eyes and walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth, getting ready for Christmas. I noticed the energy that had stagnated on my chest was gone.

Why can't he just write it? That elderly guy can do it. He can just write it. Lao-tsu! Lao-tsu! Lao-tsu! Lao-tsu! Lao-tsu!

"I am you," he said.

"I love you," I said.

