So the Harry Potter saga is now complete with the final movie raking in over
$1,000,000,000 at the international box office.
This was thanks the the popularity of the series and an insane marketing campaign
full of trailers, TV spots, and posters.
What ingenious tagline could they be using for such a prestigious event?
(Reads the poster)
"It All Ends."
Yeah, I kinda gathered that, seeing as it is the LAST movie.
If you want everyone to watch Deathly Hallows Part 2, a slogan isn't going to do much.
Instead, you could promise potential viewers the following scenes:
Have Dobby come back to life as a kick-ass Jedi,
have Hermione tote a double barrel shotgun,
or have a scene where Harry plays 'Got Your Nose' with Voldemort.
(Sigh)
A guy can dream,
but let's take a look at what we DID get, this is
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part 2.
So, our final chapter begins where the last movie left off as the group are holding out at the home of Bill and Fleur.
Ollivander: 'Unicorn hair, 10", reasonably pliant. This was the wand of Draco Malfoy.'
Jeesh, he can tell all that just by feeling and listening to it?
What else do you think you can find out about a wand by doing that?
Hmm.
(Bang, bang, bang)
Metal,
hair of, uh...human?
Mostly from the armpit area.
Hm?
The previous owner enjoyed long walks on the beach and warm, luxurious bubble baths?
What's that?
You had uses other than that of a wand?
He liked to shove you WHERE?
Ah!
Ugh, I don't care if he wiped you off afterwards. Jesus!
So, Harry, Ron, and Hermione prepare for their visit to Gringotts to achieve another Horcrux
By having Hermione take a Polyjuice potion to look like Bellatrix.
Ron: 'You're sure that's hers?'
Hermione: 'Positive.;
Suspect as Hermione: "Admittedly, it's not where I WANTED to grab it from, but it'll have to do.
She mustn't've shaved in YEARS."
Harry: 'We're relying on you, Griphook. If you get us passed the guards and into the vault, the sword's yours.'
Suspect: Y'know, movie...have you ever heard of a thing called...Character Motivation?
You have to tell us why Griphook is requesting the sword.
In the book, it explains that he wants the sword because he believes it's Goblin property,
but for anyone who just watches the movies, they're going to come up with their own reasons why he wants it so bad.
Maybe...
Then the question would be, "Why WOULDN'T you want it?"
So, the trio acquire the aid of Griphook to get into Bellatrix's vault and to get there, they have to...
ride a rollercoaster?
It wasn't like this in Philospher's Stone.
What, is this a new ploy to get more customers, or something?
Sick and tired of Dark Lord Rule?
Wanna have some fun?
Then come on down to Gringotts' to ride the
Amazing! Bodacious! and totally Radical!
Holy crap, I wanna shit my pants roller coaster.
It's got twists.
It's got turns.
It's got water hazards.
And for the big finale, an alarm that sounds like a monkey followed by a 200' drop to your untimely death.
Everyone: Ah!!!!!
Book now and pay double.
You won't need the money anyway.
(Squish)
(Dragon growls, then roars)
(Rattle sounds)
Griphook: 'It's been trained to expect pain when it hears the noise.'
Hermione: 'That's Barbaric.'
That's wizard's chess-I watch these movies too much.
Griphook: 'They've added the Gemino curse. Everything you touch will multiply.'
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
There's a curse that can multiply objects?
I'm-I'm sorry. Isn't the very existence of such a spell totally going to fuck up the Wizarding World economy?
I mean, why hasn't any wizard used 'Gemino' on a fancy broomstick, or on some expensive robes?
Hell, why hasn't any wizard used it on Galleons? That sounds like the easiest counterfeit money operation ever.
Unless there's some sort of unexplained side effect to go with it.
Gemino.
All right-ugh.
So, our heroes grab the Horcrux and, with the aid of a dragon, they escape, killing dozens of innocent goblins in the process.
And now all they have to do is get off the dragon.
Ron: 'I say we jump!'
Ron, now is HARDLY the time, or place.
So, the 3 need to get into Hogwarts, so they head to Hogsmead-
Setting of an alarm that sounds like someone's strangling cats for some reason,
as they meet up with Dumbledore's brother, Aberforth.
He reunites them with Neville, who shows them through a new passage to Hogwarts castle.
Harry: 'It seems, despite your exhaustive defensive strategies, you still have a bit of a security problem, Headmaster.
I'm afraid, it's quite extensive.'
Holly Hell, you brought like...
11 people...
And 7 of them are from the same family!
Where is the fucking cavalry?
Are you meaning to tell me that the only people in the entire world that are against Voldemort are
7 Gingers, 2 Hot Chicks, a Werewolf, and an African Tribesman?
Fozzie Bear: 'Exactly!'
Ugh!
So, McGonagall steps in and takes out the Carrows,
who don't even get a line of dialogue,
as Snape flees.
McGonagall: 'As it happens, Mr. Filtch, you're arrival is most opportune.
If you would, I would like you, please, to lead Ms. Parkinson and the rest of Slytherin House from the hall.'
Filtch: 'Exactly, where is it I'll be leading them to, ma'am?'
McGonagall: 'The Dungeons would do.'
Yay! Even the innocent, 11-year-old, first years, DOWN TO THE DUNGEON!
McGonagall: 'I presume, you have a reason for returning, Potter. What is it you need?'
Harry: 'Time, Professor, as much as you can get me.'
Time, hmm?
Oh, there's some sort of magical artifact that McGonagall owns that has something to do with time.
Something about...turning it back and it gives you more time.
I think it was called...
immensely shitty writing.
I mean, J.K. Rowling is a brilliant author, don't get me wrong, but she royally screwed up
in Prisoner of Azkaban when she introduced the Time Turner.
Now, admittedly, if Rowling had decided to bring back the Time Turner in her later stories,
it would probably serve as the biggest MacGuffin in cinema history,
but the very fact that we know such devices exist just gives us so many situations that could've turned out differently.
And it gets worse because the only life they saved using the Time Turner was an oversized, CGI, poop-spewing pigeon.
Slughorn: 'My thoughts exactly.'
Flitwick: 'We can't keep out You-Know-Who indefinitely.'
McGonagall: 'That doesn't mean we can't delay him.
And his name is Voldemort, Fillius, you might as well use it. It's going to try to kill you either way.'
Is that REALLY what wizards and witches have thought all these years?
That if you say, "Voldemort," he'll try to kill you?
This is beginning to sound like a Monty Python Sketch.
'I'm warning you, if you say, "Voldemort," once more...
Right, who threw that?
Was it you?'
'Yes!'
'Why?'
'Well, you DID say, "Voldemort."'
McGonagall: 'Piertotem Locomota.'
Whoa, steady on there, Minerva. Didn't you check to see if anyone was standing there?
Suspect as Tommy Wiseau: 'Oh, hi, Minerv-'
McGonagall: 'Man the boundaries, protect us, do your duty to our school!
I've always wanted to use that spell!'
"He he. I've always wanted to reanimate stone statues to beat the shit out of people!
It's the little things in life."
So, Harry learns from Luna that the Ravenclaw House ghost can point him in the right direction of the diadem,
so he goes to pay her a visit. Although, I have to admit, this scene makes little to know sense.
Hear me out.
Harry: 'You want it destroyed?'
Helena: 'Another sought to destroy it many years ago.'
So...Tom Riddle wanted the diadem, so he could make it into a Horcrux, but why did Helena tell him
where it was if all he said he was going to do was destroy it?
What sense does THAT make?
"Hey, Helena, can I have your diadem?"
"Uh, what do you want it for?"
"I want to destroy it."
"Eh?"
"I want to destroy it. Can I have it?"
"Oh, sure, sure. I have it right...here."
Harry: 'You do know where he hid it. Don't you, Helena?'
Why would she know?
If Voldemort stole it, why would he tell her where he kept it?
Kind of defeats the purpose of stealing something if your victim of the stealing knows where it is.
Helena: 'You remind me of him a bit. It's here, in the castle'
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He reminds you of the man who stole and cursed your diadem...
and NOW you're suddenly trusting him?
You lobotomized piece of shit.
'You pompous, stuck up, snot-nosed, English, giant twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole...'
So, yeah, Helena goes on to say that the diadem is located in the "place where everything is hidden."
Yeah, I'd wanna kill her too if she wasn't already dead.
So, Harry makes his way to the Room of Requirement.
Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione go down to the Chamber of Secrets to pick up another Basilisk fang
to destroy the Hufflepuff Cup.
Aw, how sweet. Say, let's see how Emma Watson felt when filming this scene.
Watson: 'It just felt like incest.'
Well...
I'll never look at THAT scene ever again.
How must have Rupert Grint felt after hearing that. Poor guy.
You just got friend zoned, Rupert.
I'm there for you, man.
Well, once the cup gets destroyed, it, um, mildly disturbs Voldemort.
Voldemort: 'Ah!'
Jesus!
I'm sorry, I'm playing that again.
Holy fucking shiiiiit.
So, Voldemort, obliterates the shield, which kind of begs the question, why didn't he just do that to begin with?
Well, anyway, the Death Eaters waste no time and begin their attack.
Shorty: 'Run, bitch. Run!'
So, Neville outruns the Death Eaters as Seamus' explosives take out dozens of them.
In the meantime, Draco enters the castle...
via apparition...
Weren't only House Elves and Dumbledore supposed to be able to do that in Hogwarts?
Hmm, Draco must be a House Elf.
Well, anyway, he grabs Goyle and Crabb...who's suddenly 30lbs lighter...and black...
Bare with me...
What happened to the original actor who played Crabb?
Ah, he he. He got arrested for growing, what else?
Simon: 'Marijuana.'
And you know what's funny? Because he wasn't allowed to come back on set, they changed it so that
Goyle died instead of Crabb, as opposed to the oppsite happening in the book.
So, in other words, smoking pot saved his life.
Goyle: 'Come on, Draco. Don't be a prat. Do him.'
"Then later, we'll kill him."
'Easy.'
Well, Goyle ends up setting the place on fire and snuffs it, as Harry manages to find the diadem.
He chooses to save Malfoy, and the other dude who's name we never learn, as they manage to destroy the diadem.
So, the next step for our heroes is to find the snake, so they head down to the boat house where Voldemort has taken refuge.
Voldemort realizes that the Elder Wand can't really be his unless he kills the wizard who killed its last owner.
Snape realizes he's fucked.
Voldemort: 'Nagini, kill.'
Huh, great. Now the wand belongs...to the snake. You did NOT think that through, did you?
"Not really."
So, now that Alan Rickman dies in, yet, another movie-
Seriously, it seems like the only actor who beats him in dying roles is Sean Bean-
Well, anyway, Harry gathers Snape's memories and returns to see what the battle has wrought.
And, as it has turns out, there are a few casualties.
Fred, Tonks, and Lupin die...off screen...
Oh, you mother of leaky ASS!
How hard can it be just to give someone a death scene?
Hell, we don't even see a second of them dueling. Come on, guys. Lupin and Tonks were cool as hell.
Having Mad-Eye die off screen was bad enough.
You know, so many new Hogwarts professors have snuffed it now. It's almost ended up like that rhyme
that you use to remember what happened to every one of Henry VIII's wives.
Hmm, let's see. Died, lost memory, died, died, evil bitch, survived. It's ingenious.
Well, Harry takes a look at Snape's memories via the pensive and gets to see his and Harry's mother at a young age.
Wait, wait, wait, w-w-w-wait.
Throughout the entirety of the series, what have they been jamming down our throats all this time?
Lupin: 'You know, the very first time I saw you, Harry, I recognized you immediately. Not by your scar, by your eyes.
They're your mother, Lilly's.'
Sirius: 'You have-'
Harry: 'My Mother's eyes.'
Slughorn: 'Except the eyes, of course, you have your-'
Harry: 'My mother's eyes, yeah.'
Snape: 'You have your mother's eyes.'
Well, that's all fine and well, EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HER EYES LOOK NOTHING LIKE HARRY'S!
Good God, the one feature, the one thing you have to get right with this young actress and you totally screwed it up.
At least give her some contacts, or something, you brainless puddle of banshee piss.
God, I wanna punch something right now.
Headwig: (Hoots)
Dumbledore: 'The Dark Lord will return and when he does, the boy will be in terrible danger.
He has her eyes.'
NO, HE FUCKING DOESN'T!
(Hoot)
Dumbledore: 'We both know that Lord Voldemort has ordered the Malfoy boy to murder me,
but should he fail, one should presume the Dark Lord will turn to you.
You must be the one to kill me, Severus.
It is the only way.'
Oh, so Snape was a good guy all along.
Uh, yeah, why couldn't you have talked a little first and FAKED Dumbledore's death?
You're a Potions master, man. Anyone know the story of 'Romeo & Juliet'?
Juliet takes a potion which makes her appear dead.
Surely, there's a potion in the Wizarding World that can do the same thing.
With a bit of careful planning, you could've convinced Voldemort that Snape killed Dumbledore.
After all, we're talking about the same cockhead who chose to hide part of his soul
in the very room  his sworn enemy trained an army.
'Stupid! You're so stupid!'
So, Harry learns that the 8th Horcrux is, in fact, him, so, in order to destroy it, he must let Voldemort kill him.
So, he makes his way through the forest for his confrontation with the Dark Lord and, before you know it,
Voldemort says, 'Avada Kadavera' like he's just passed a kidney stone and Harry finds himself in, um,
Limbo, I guess.
Yeah, nice to know even Baby Voldemort has no nose.
Dumbledore: 'You can't help,
Harry,
you wonderful boy.'
I knew it. Dumbledore was God all along.
Harry: 'Professor, my mother's patronus was a doe, wasn't it?
That's the same as Professor Snape's. It's curious, don't you think?
That has to be...the most misleading plot reveal ever.
Ok, for those of you who don't know, it's simple.
The fact that Snape's patronus is the same as Lilly's is evident of Snape's of for her,
but for anyone watching this movie without reading the book, what conclusion do you think they're going to come to?
They're gonna think Snape is Harry's father, aren't they?
He'll be showing up on 'The Jeremy Kyle Show' for a DNA test in no time.
So, Dumbledore fucks off without telling Harry how to get back as Voldemort orders Hagrid carry Harry to the castle.
Voldemort: 'Harry Potter is dead!'
Yay! I killed a 17-year-old boy who hasn't even finished school yet
and it only took me 17 years to do it.
Good God, what have I been doing in my life?
Bellatrix, call Crabbe. I need a Dooby.
Neville: 'Yeah, we lost Harry tonight,...but he's still with us...In here..
Ngg. Too much cheese, Grommit.
Neville: 'So's Fred.'
Whoa, what the hell? What the fuck is up with Ron's eyes?
Have I got a defective copy of the movie or something? I can't believe anyone else hasn't noticed this.
"I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!"
Well, I didn't need these pants anyways.
But Harry springs to action, much to everyone's surprise, as the battle commences.
I love this shot. I love how oblivious Neville is to what's going on.
There's a midair flying body in flames Waltzing right passed your head and you're like, 'seen it.'
So, Harry and Voldemort fight their way through the castle whilst Ron and Hermione distract Nagini.
You know something?
Wands are CRAP aren't they?
They require thought and power to make work and almost all spells can be blocked.
What I'm getting at is that, of course, you can't bring a magical weapon into the Muggle World, but
why not bring a Muggle weapon into the Wizarding World?
Seriously, all a gun requires is you pull the trigger and I doubt you can block bullets.
Hell, the Purebloods wouldn't even know what a gun is.
Hey, Voldemort.
"What's that?"
Juice dispenser. Want some?
"Yay!"
To you, Tom.
Well, Neville shows everyone how it's done and chops off the head of Voldemort's snake.
I said "snake." Not-
Snape: 'Silence!'
Dah! Snape, I thought you were dead.
'I was.'
You know what? Fuck it. Headwig's died in a past movie and he still won't leave me the fuck alone.
(Hoot)
So, this final blow to Voldemort gives Harry the edge in the only battle against evil that was won sitting down
as Voldemort goes up in smoke like he'd been smoking 60 a day.
Hermione: 'Why didn't it work for him?
The Elder Wand?'
Harry: 'The wand never belonged to Snape.
It was Draco who disarmed him that night in the Astronomy Tower.
From that moment on, the wand answered to him.
Until the other night when I disarmed Draco.'
Ron: 'So that means...'
Harry: 'It's mine.'
Holy Mother of God, this is incredible..
Our hero has in his possession the most powerful artifact ever to grace the Wizarding World.
With it, he can rebuild this world. He can tend to the wounded, fix the broken castle,
reward those who've helped over the years.
It can heal the physical and emotional scars Voldemort has wrought.
Eradicate Earth from the Dark Ages. He can bring peace and prosperity to the Wizarding World.
All hail Harry Potter, our Lord and Savior.
All hail Harry Potter, for he is the Chosen One.
All Hail Harry Potter, for he is our la-
(Snap)
I'm sorry, I'm going to need this.
Ok.
Alcohol helps.
Proceed.
(Snap)
No, that's not gonna do it.
Ok.
Continue.
(Snap)
Nope.
Ok.
I'm good now.
So, after
How long have I been out?
I've been out that long?
Well...
I've gotta finish the review.
I mean...
I mean, how much worse can it get?
I mean, it's not like they're gonna cut to 19 years later, or some-
Holy Mother of of a humping House Elf! Are you serious?
T-t-there's so many questions you've left unanswered.
Did they fix the school and finish their N.E.W.T.S.?
What became of our 3 heroes?
What sort of work did THEY go into?
What about Neville and Luna? Did THEY get together?
Did the Malfoy family ever get sent to Azkaban.
I mean, who became Headmaster?
Did anyone else die in the Battle of Hogwarts(?)?
Hell, what about Peter Pettigrew?
It was established quite clearly that he was the one who betrayed Harry's parents to Voldemort.
Aren't we going to see HIS comeuppance?
I need booze.
So, yeah, instead of getting some much needed closure to the story, we get THIS crappy future
where Ron grew a beer belly, Ginnny has become frumpy, and Malfoy looks like a serial rapist.
Truly how we all wanted to remember these characters!
Chris as Luke: 'John Williams an the London Symphony Orchestra, everybody!'
(Seriously, John Williams kicks ass!)
And there we have it, all 8 Harry Potter films done and dusted, so, I suppose you wanna hear my thoughts on the last one.
Ok, let me get this out of the way.
I freaking love this movie and my biggest gripe with it was that there wasn't more of it.
The way this movie was going, i would've gladly sat through a 3-hur running time if it meant they could show us more.
Why didn't they show Hagrid's capture? Why didn't they show the Carrow's more?
Why didn't they show Draco helping out harry in the courtyard?
They even filmed it, why not show us it in the final cut?
Persnally speaking, I really wanted to see more of the other characters.
This was the last time we see them, yet we never see Lupin, Tonks, Fred, George, Fleur, Aberforth, Luna, Neville, Flitwick, Seamus, Dean, or Cho
ever duel anyone.
Take this scene where Kingsly Shacklebot royally owns this other guy.
God, that's awesome. More of that, please.
But complaining aside, I can't fault this movie on an entertainment level because this is edge-of-your-seat stuff.
I found myself really caring about what happened to every character.
And even though many of them don't get a death scene, it's still sad to see them go.
And it's still great to see some of the characters rise to the challenge and kick some ass.
And the acting is, once again, topnotch, even though actors like John Hurt and Alan Rickman overact a little too much here and there.
But, I guess, it's what makes the two so entertaining to watch.
And I have to give credit to Radcliffe who, I think, gives a much better performance in this movie.
Despite some goofy readings here and there, he has really improved over the years and I hpe he continues to make good movies in the future.
One gripe I have to share, though, is the end of the movie, which, as you probably have guessed, I don't care for at all.
If you take Return of the King, for example, it spent a long time showing what happened after the ring was destroyed
and this made sense to me because we spent so long with these characters, we all want to see how theyd react to their own accomplishments.
How they deal with life now that it's better.
So, how long do we spend with the characters after Voldemort was defeated?
4 minutes.
It would've been nice to see what you were fighting for.
To see what they Wizarding World looked like AFTER Voldemort died,
to see it return to the good ol' days, not this lame "19 years in the future" thing which immediately disregards any chance for a sequel.
Ok, I know Harry Potter 9 is totally unlikely, but a guy can dream.
It's kind of like Star Wars Episode 7, you know it's never gonna happen, but there's always the off chance it could.
(Yes, Suspect's aware of the irony of this statement)
By showing the characters 19 years in the future, it makes me think those 19 years must've been really boring years.
I wanted to see more from their generation, not some kids I've never seen, nor care about.
I know a lot of people won't agree with me on this, and if you do, that's totally cool, just know this ending gave little closure for me,
but every movie has things I would change and I really shouldn't banter on any longer.
It's a great way to end the series regardless and I'm certainly glad I could grow up the actors as they aged to adulthood at the same time I did.
It's a great series of films and I'm sure future generations will enjoy it as much as we did.
I'm the Unusual Suspect, more reviews to come, so stay tuned.
Subtitles as transcribed by Scsigs.
