-Hey, guys,
we have a big show tonight,
but very big announcement
to make from T-Mobile.
The last three days
we've asked you to text
"thanks" to 50555.
T-Mobile said they will match
up to $400,000
to Girls & Boys Club
of America.
They have a COVID-19
relief fund
for families
that need child care.
So it's a great program.
If you text "thanks," you give
a $5 donation to them,
they will match up to
$400,000.
That's $800,000.
So thank you
for donating to that.
But we have a big
announcement that T-Mobile
wants to make tonight,
which is very cool
that they're donating --
they're committing
to donating --
I want to make sure
I get this right --
$2.5 million
to over 100 local schools
and Boys & Girls Club.
That is amazing.
T-Mobile!
You stepped it up
during this time,
and that's awesome.
Thank you guys so much.
I appreciate it.
Now...
let's start the show.
♪♪
Hi, guys, welcome to
"The Tonight Show:
At Home Edition."
My name is Jimmy Fallon.
Thank you so much
for watching all week.
I will remind you that next week
we have all new shows as well.
We have the Jonas Brothers,
L.L. Cool J., Melissa McCarthy,
Octavia Spencer, Halle Berry.
It's going to be giant.
So check out next week,
all new shows,
all new charities
and stuff to talk about
next week,
so thank you so much.
We have a big show tonight.
Hi. Hi.
We have a big show tonight.
We have the one and only
Hugh Jackman
is on the show tonight.
Actors Fund is his charity
he's going with.
We also have Rose Byrne.
Her charity is foodbanknyc.org.
And Bobby Cannavale
actually shows up
in her interview as well.
I will say I baked bread
with Hugh Jackman,
which I'd never done.
It was pretty fun, and I have
the scar to prove it.
That was my little battle scar
from baking with Hugh Jackman.
Yeah. And then --
But Rose Byrne makes a cocktail
using -- you know those syringes
that come with Baby Advil?
[ Laughter ]
I've never seen
anything like it. It's great.
Also, we have Kesha,
who we would just love, Kesha.
And here is her charity,
to raise money for Crew --
Live Nation for crew members
out there
that aren't working right now
because of this pandemic.
And then we have another
issue of --
another edition
of "The Longest Days
of Our Lives."
-[ Gasps ]
-That soap opera that is set
in quarantine over Zoom
with people that look
like Kristen Wiig,
Will Ferrell,
and a very special guest
that I won't tell you
who it is.
Okay. It's Matthew McConaughey.
Because why not?
Why not tell you
who at this point?
Come on. You want -- okay, guys.
You ready for this?
We're gonna do some
"Thank You Notes."
And then we're gonna do
the monologue.
Well, let's do
the monologue first.
Oh, and then before
I even get to the monologue,
I do want to mention lastly,
tomorrow night, the big event,
"One World: At Home Together."
This is with Stephen Colbert,
Jimmy Kimmel and I
are hosting it.
Lady Gaga
headed this whole thing up.
Paul McCartney's
doing something.
Elton John. There's certain
names I can't tell you.
Can I say the Rolling Stones?
I think I can say
the Rolling Stones.
It's out now. The Rolling Stones
are going to be on it.
It's two hours of amazing stuff.
Just watch it, enjoy.
Set your DVRs now.
Pause this and set your DVRs
to tape that -- "One World:
Together at Home."
Is that what I said? I might
have said "At Home Together."
"Together at Home"
is what it is.
Okay. Here we go, guys.
Let's start with some monologue.
You ready for monologue jokes?
-[ Spitting noise ]
-Here we go. Ready?
Hey, wait, guys, ready for this?
Listen, listen up. Here we go.
-Hey, you excited?
Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Okay, good.
Welcome to "Tonight Show:
At Home Edition."
Guys, I saw that today
is Bat Appreciation Day.
-[ Giggles ]
-Bats are incredible animals.
They can see in the dark.
-Whoa.
-They can use echolocation
to find food.
The only thing they can't do
right now is read the room.
-[ Chuckles ]
-That's right.
It's Bat Appreciation Day.
Man, out of all the events
that have been canceled
in the last month,
you'd have to think that
this might have been
one of them, right?
-[ Chattering ]
-Guys, I saw that --
I saw the Dr. Phil
is in hot water
for some comments
he made about the coronavirus.
You can tell Dr. Phil's
in trouble
because you just booked
a one-hour
exclusive interview
with himself.
-You can't!
-Why?
-"Do you feel any remorse?"
"Yes, I do."
Hey, guys, shh.
Whisper for a second.
Whisper, I'm doing this, okay?
Whisper while I'm doing this.
Okay? Thank you.
-[ Whispering ]
[ Whispering continues ]
-Listen to this.
I read that many Americans
have tried cutting their
own bangs.
Cutting your own bangs
is a great idea
if you ever looked at
Mark Zuckerberg and thought,
"I want that."
I've seen some articles
that offer alternatives
to shaking hands,
like raising your
eyebrows and smiling.
It was a good idea right up
until the moment
my plumber thought
I was hitting on him.
"How you doing?"
Listen to this, since
New York streets
are pretty much empty,
speeding tickets
have nearly doubled.
On the bright side, most
New Yorkers have appreciated
getting a ticket,
saying it was just nice to yell
at a stranger again.
I'm excited about this.
The NFL Draft
is less than a week away.
Yep, the country's
top college football players
will sign multimillion dollar
contracts,
then just keep living
at home with their parents.
And finally, I read that --
you're leaving, too?
Yeah, might as well.
I read that experts
say coronavirus stress
could lead to weight gain.
I think that's what they said.
It was tough to hear
over the sound of my Dorito
and Captain Crunch sandwich.
That's our monologue,
everybody.
Now it's time
for "Thank You Notes."
Guys, come on back.
♪♪
Guys, today is Friday.
♪♪
That's usually when I write out
some thank-you notes
and I send them out
to my friends.
So if you guys wouldn't mind,
I'd like to write out my weekly
thank-you notes right now.
You guys want to help?
-Mm-hmm.
-Cool.
All right. Here we go.
This first one goes --
Music.
♪♪
Next.
Thank you, Yeezy Slides,
for looking more like Crocs
than Crocs.
'Cause they look like
a crocodile to you.
All right, next one.
-[ Whispering ]
-Next, next one, yeah.
-Mm.
-Music.
♪♪
Thank you,
smudgy webcam lens,
for being my soft focus
beauty secret on Zoom.
♪♪
Next one.
♪♪
Thank you, new Drake song,
"Toosie Slide,"
for giving dads
super specific instructions
on how to embarrass their kids
on TikTok.
Right foot up,
left foot slide!
Here comes Dad,
shaking his behind!
♪♪
-[ Makes spitting noise,
giggles ]
[ Giggling ]
♪♪
[ Music stops ]
[ Music resumes ]
[ Music stops ]
[ Music resumes ]
Thank you, reports that
the SATs and ACTs
might be canceled this year
because of the coronavirus.
Or as Scantron put it,
[ Robotic voice ]
"What is my purpose now?"
-Next one.
[ Music fades ]
-Music. Thank you --
[ Music stops and starts ]
Thank you, mirrors, for that
brief moment of thinking,
"Hey, someone new to talk to.
Oh, that's just me."
-[ Chuckles ]
-Next.
Did you laugh at that one?
-Mm.
-You did? No?
No, you didn't.
Thank you, lines where everyone
is standing six feet apart,
for looking like a drive-thru
where the cars are invisible.
[ Giggling ]
-Next?
-Yeah.
Okay.
Music, please.
♪♪
Thank you, a glass of wine
before going to bed,
for now being two glasses --
well, maybe three --
eh, three's basically
a bottle, so...
Next.
♪♪
Thank you, karaoke, for being
the most fun way
to hear your favorite songs,
but worse.
[ Music stops ]
-Music.
[ Music resumes ]
The next one.
Thank you --
♪♪
Thank you, wiping down
my groceries,
for giving me the chance
to caress a bag of Tostitos
like they are
of the love of my life.
And that's it right there.
Thank you very much, everybody.
We'll be right back with
"The Longest Days of Our Lives"
with Kristen Wiig,
Will Ferrell,
and special guest
Matthew McConaughey!
-[ Giggles ]
