("Thunderbirds" theme plays)
(beep) Spain, bruv.
Spain is one of those tracks where absolutely no overtaking is possible.
*Do you not remember the race from 3 years prior?*
So most likely, what you see on the grid will most likely be the result of the actual race.
*I believe, that there'll most likely be a few retirements most likely, and some pitstop leapfrogs most likely*
How exciting.
*People don't witness F1 for the excitement, they witness it for all the upper-class schmoozing, DUH*
As that's said, let's go to the grid.
Or results if you're pessimistic like me.
*Well, if I had an ounce of optimism I'd be watching MSTF1 instead of this drivel*
Mika Hakkinen takes yet aNOTHER pole position,
*Why can't Schumacher take a pole position? Fuck this season*
with his nearest rival, Eddie Irvine in 2nd.
*Since when is Mika's nearest rival not Michael Schumacher? The fuck am I watching?!?!
Next up is David Coulthard followed by Michael Schumacher.
*P2-P4 all separated by less than .06 seconds WEW LAD*
The only problem I have with this grid is this is like EVERY OTHER-
GRID WE'VE HAD FOR THE LAST YEAR OR SO.
(Background intern): Umm…
*Where the hell did that intern come from? Did you forget to lock your basement again?*
(intern): Chris, you're supposed to be reviewing the race, not complaining about the grid-
FUCK YOU, I'LL DO WHAT I LIKE. (beep)
So here we are.
Insert punchline or music reference here.
Mika Hakkinen gets an incredible start, already 3 car lengths ahead from the rest of the pack.
*Well there's no point in watching the rest of the video now, Hakkinen's just gonna cruise to an easy win*
Heinz-Harald Frentzen and Rubens Barrichello make contact and nearly crash
while Marc Gene and Olivier Panis stall on the grid.
*I wonder what would happen if two drivers actually crashed at turn 4, especially if they were teammates*
How the hell did this guy become a Ferrari test driver? (beep)
Mika Hakkinen's lead extends to a whopping 25 seconds.
*That's just on his teammate! How the fuck is he so good around Barcelona?*
Even when he's pitted, he's still 25 seconds ahead of everyone else.
This guy's not joking when it comes to defending his title as world champion.
*He doesn't have to joke but does he really have to make the races boring as shit too?*
David Coulthard pits but overshoots the area in which the car is needed to pit.
*If this is how he makes a pitstop then how the hell does he expect to become a world champion?*
There's a reason why people mispronounce his name as David "CoulTARD". (beep)
Alesi goes out,
Frentzen goes out,
Villeneuve's car decides that it doesn't wanna move anymore.
*That car has Jacques Villeneuve at the wheel, could you really blame it?*
Herbert goes out, it's ALL going NUTS HERE! (beep)
After countless amounts of pitstops it's Mika Hakkinen and David Coulthard in 1st and 2nd.
*The fuck's the point in watching the race if it's just gonna be a McLaren 1-2 then?*
Ferrari are just lagging behind.
Even with at least 3 TIMES MORE MONEY,
in which they get paid by the FIA,
they still manage to do WORSE…
than…
some teams.
*Ferrari International Aid MY ASS*
(Chris lets the Marlboros destroy him, knowing that they were purchased in vain given Ferrari's performance)
2009. (beep)
Mika Hakkinen crosses the line to win the Spanish Grand Prix!
*Just for that this race is a 3.2/10*
But Schumacher still leads the championships by 6 points.
*He alone can't lead the championshipS, since there's only ONE for the drivers*
🅱️OI,
this championship's starting to get some steam, and I'm REALLY excited.
(Chris snorts crack in the background to get even MORE excited)
*Sidenote, why the fuck is Fosters being advertised while they're in Spain?*
*Then again, why are there so many Fly Emirates ads around F1 circuits nowadays? F1 sponsors are weird*
(Chris' overlord in the background): Well at least you can fucking sound excited.
*What in fuck's name is exciting about seeing the McLarens win so many damn races?*
*And why do you still have this creepy outro?*
*I may just unsub to preserve my sanity*
