(with microphone effect): all hail his excellency, president jack!
*crowd cheers*
Hello everybody! Hi, hi! yes, thank you! thank you.
Spider Loaf! *mwah* Thank you, most of all.
HELLO! And welcome! I am President Handsome Jacked Jacksepticeye
that is my full official title and you shall call me that from now on
and I am here to answer the nation's requests
to answer the call of the people out there. Everybody has stuff that they wanna get done
All these executive orders that come on to my plate every single day. It bears a burden.
It's hard to be president, okay?
BUT thank you to people of this great nation of ours for voting me in
it really feels good
I'm most thankful for dogs who voted because I, as President Handsome Jacked,
believes that dogs should be allowed to vote *crowd gasps*
Thank you, thank you, okay
I start off my day with only the freshest, finest dirty bean water that our great nation has to offer
*takes a fucking sip*
AHH (of satisfaction)
that tastes like freedom and liberty
Alright! Let's get crackin with a hard day of being a presidente
and let's see what the people have to offer
"The United Republic of the People's Territories of States"
that's all you, all of you, yes
so, "rich people get free monocles"? hmm I do like that.
I do like the idea of some people going around with monocles
that is a very small percentage of the population though
that get to wear the monocles though so bad look for the rest of everybody
sorry, ah-
"my hips don't lie" well-
*checks hips* Hips! Am I awesome?
(jack, with a muffled voice): yeah you're so totally awesome!
(jack with regular voice): wOw! *slaps hips* thank you hips!
my- they didn't lie to me.
okay, I'm going to have to go with this one.
my hips don't lie because they haven't lied to me yet, ahaha!
i love them so- ah, uhm... aeh- president.. *thinks* handsome face..
there we go! one executive order, in the bank. I got this down, being president is easy!
yes! Uhh, Peperoni Nose, what do you want to do? "Can you address the rumours of your own personal love affair with Hips?"
you know what, uh-  tereso face? I'm neither going to confirm, nor deny any sort of accusations that has anything got to do with that.
what I will say though is: (megaphone effect) Healthcare, t A X e S, we have them- *crowd gasps* -oR doN't *crowd aws*
depending on what the nation wants and needs. *slight applause* yes, thank you very much. (nice save, jack)
uhm-also... *sniff* what about..  the dogs?!
*arguably bad fake crying*
((subtitler note: this project is not done but i am vry tired so please pick up from here, and delete this note. p.s. whever did this before missed a bunch in the middle, just sayin'
There we go look upon me
with disdain
if you must but these hips
They're telling the truth
How dare you all right? I think I handle that one flawlessly you think that one is in the bag
ding plus one for the big dog
carers can only go fast
That seems pretty good speed is key, and that was my slogan when I ran for presidency or spaghetti can only be eaten on Wednesdays
Spaghetti Wednesdays, but doesn't even rhyme
Actually, nothing rhymes and Wednesday's really. That's a win sees a bad word have you ever looked at her Wednesday is spelled
wetness day and as my first act as president I
Will change the word wetness day to how we say it
Wednesday when's that going to happen, maybe Wednesday I?
Was expecting you a little bit of a pause for that one ok?
Fucking tough crowd I think Kara's only going fast because speed is
key
Speed is key in this presidency. That was my slogan when I ran for president
I don't need to tell you guys you guys voted me in
If I don't have a car do I have to run all the time no green head
That's stupid there will be no more stupid questions except from green head again
Were you inspired by a blue hedgehog? I love a sonic ooh?
Sonic is my favorite anime
Won over that demographic easily I love Sonic yes Bluebeard actually reversed blue beard the beers on your head if we could just
Shift that 180 degrees turn that frown upside down turn that hair
the other where
Yeah, what if I go fast? I start to fly?
Let me ask you this Blue Man Group
Did you go to school?
Probably not because that's a stupid fucking question. Okay. Oh, sorry
Alex can we live sensor me yeah, oh
You you put handsome jacked jacksepticeye into office. Oh, you're getting a lot of swears in your addresses to office okay?
that's what's going to happen, but that's okay because in this great nation of
Snobby
dumpy I
Don't think that that's the name of our nation. I think I just wrote a funny word in my hand
You are in this great nation of I believe that anybody can go back to school at any time so you go mr.
John
Then you fly John you fly in the face of Education and higher degrees
Thank you were you inspired to write this order based on the Fast and the Furious ah no
I was inspired to write this on my
favorite manga happy wheels
Yes
Definitely obviously whatever just tell the people what they need to hear. That's what a good president does
my mic still on
I'm still talking out loud and saying my thoughts
You're not actually over there, and I'm trying to convey the joke in this episode by saying it out loud fuck
His Red Bull trying to come up with a new sport. Yeah the sport of losing to the best president in the world
Haha up top
Thanks somebody actually hit back. That's weird, okay um
We're wrong. We're working on big things
Yeah, mainly these glutes
What up fast and furious was inspiration? No it wasn't
But that's the name of my sex book
The Fast and the Furious
yeah, it was gonna be great I
Don't know who I'm talking to how did you get in my house rich people get free monocles? We had this already Alice what?
nanny I
Learned that from my favorite manga
Or everyone can only see in greyscale ooh. Yes
How do we end the race war we make everyone see the same colors? Oh?
Wait shit whatever everyone just starts insulting each other based on the shades of their skin rather than the direct colors oh
I can still see color, so I'm not sure what you were trying to accomplish
Yeah, I don't know why signing the executive order made me think that I was gonna change human anatomy
I
Thought I just had that much power. I'm security stop that man. See that's the power I have
Yes, gritch, but how will this affect the colorblind?
it
won't
Dad I'm gonna ignore that question because you're stupid and I hate your face and your wife Melinda makes very bad Madeleine's
Okay, give me stomachaches. Have you thought this through sir we won't be able to read traffic lights. That's fine
You just go when the bottom one is
on
Are you having trouble seeing
Sounds like a you problem Jesus Stan you can still see traffic lights. Yeah, exactly shut the fuck up Stan
Hate that guy always coming into office and questioning me papers, please
How exactly are you planning on enforcing this rule well?
You see Ron what I am going to do for these people is I'm going to shake my hands a lot
I'm going to turn left and right
And I'm going to say things in an inflection that makes it sound like I know what I'm talking about
I'm going to pause for a little moment now to give what I say some brevity
Then I'm gonna cap it all off with a clear statement
A vague one so I don't get in any hot water
With the media outlets have enough to work on and I'm going to say this one and final statement
take my time and make it seem like I really believe in this cause when I say I
Don't know can you address the rumors of people being allowed to pay for accent colors?
Okay, you're back again with a stupid question
And I'm just gonna have to ask if you went to school since the last time we talked
accents are
Things that come out of mouths okay, they can't be a color Steve
Don't be a stupid fuck
Unlockable accent colors on horizon, that's not what I said
Can we control the newspapers?
They're sending out a bunch of
misleading facts some might even say fake news
It's game about being president. I had to put that joke in somewhere fucking cut me some slack.
*Coffee sipping intensifies.*
I'm sorry everybody that's all we have time for today the president is very very tired
Him being me I would know so thank you all so much for your time for coming out being part of this
I have other stuff to do. I'm gonna go play Fortnite- UM...
Sign... LAWS!
And represent our nation to the people and as the cool president always says
Thank you. I deserve this
What...? What do you mean my dick was out the entire time?
