Hi! I'm Kai Cheng Thom, and you're watching Ask Kai: Quick Tips for the Apocalypse.
This is a series of short videos in
which I answer
all of your questions about how to
survive and also thrive
in the middle of the end of the world.
So, today's question is: I'm bisexual, but
my partners always assume I'm either gay
or straight.
Do I need to come out to them and how do I do that? Why does the thought of this
make me so anxious? Okay, so this is a great question because
I don't think we talk about bisexual
erasure or pansexual erasure
enough. Let's talk about biphobia for a
second. Biphobia is
the assumption that bisexual people
either don't exist
or they're going through something and
they won't be bi for very long,
or that their needs aren't as important
as
monosexual people. Monosexual, just
meaning that folks aren't bi,
that they're only attracted to
one gender. And what I would say about
this is: bisexuality is super valid. It's super
real, and a lot of people experience some
degree of bisexuality, pansexuality
or
otherwise sexual fluidness in the course
of their sexual lifetimes.
The second thing I would say is, no,
it's not necessary. You don't have to
come out to anyone for any reason, unless
that's what feels right to you, and it
feels safe enough for you to do that,
because coming out to someone
is an act of trust. It's a gift that you
give to them. And when we give someone a gift, it's on
them to receive that respectfully.
That said, you may feel like you want
someone to know that you're bi because
maybe you're
polyamorous and you'd like to date
people with multiple genders and you
don't want that to come off as a
surprise conversation, or
maybe you know you have significant past partners that you want to talk about at
some point. Maybe you just feel like you want to be
really authentic and in order to know
you properly,
a partner has to know that you're bi. In which case,
I would say you absolutely have the
right to do that, and
I would just say we have the right as
well to expect
that people respond to our coming out
with grace. That doesn't mean they're
always going to do that, but I think that
when we set the tone,
sometimes it helps people to
remember, 'Oh yeah, I don't get a say.
I don't get to have an opinion about
what other people's sexual orientation
is." So, that is, to say, after the first date or the second date
or like a month in, whatever feels right
to you,
"Because I'm bi I..." and then, you know, you finish that sentence, whatever
contextually appropriate.
Or maybe you want to be a little more
formal and say, "Oh hey, by the way, I just
want you to know
I'm bisexual." You don't have to be perfect. It doesn't have
to be the smoothest thing in the world,
because the responsibility is not yours,
it's theirs to receive that information
gracefully, and if you just kind of say
it like that, like,
"Yeah, I'm bisexual, and this is how it is," maybe that helps people to remember
yeah, this is just how things are, and we
don't need to necessarily have a big debrief about it --
unless, of course, that's what you
as the bisexual person want. If their
reaction is maybe a little negative, but
not so negative that it's a deal breaker,
and you kind of want to educate them, or
you want them to be educated, you have
the total right to be like, "Here's what I need you to
know," and then go into it. You also have
the right to be like,
"That's not my job." You know, maybe Google, right?
We live in an information age. They can
find out stuff about bisexuality.
The important thing is to set the tone. When you date someone, you deserve to be
treated with respect. The person you date deserves to be
treated with respect. And that's kind of
just how it goes.
So, another piece of this question is, why
does coming out as bi make me feel
anxious? And, I guess I would say, that's a totally normal thing to
feel -- a little anxious, or maybe even a
lot anxious --
about coming out to someone, even if
you've done it a whole lot of times,
right? When you think about it, coming out for most of us is a very
stressful thing, because we unfortunately
still live
in a queerphobic, homophobic, biphobic,
lots of phobic--isms,
in this society, we don't know how people
are going to react, and unfortunately
research has shown that bi people do experience
discrimination from other parts of the
queer community.
You know, queer folks have in the past
said a lot of
nasty things about bi people, so
it makes sense, I think, to be nervous
about it. And then especially in a dating
context, whenever we're in a dating
context, anything involving intimacy, there's
always that fear of rejection
that might come up. So if you're feeling
that anxiety, get connected with people
who can support you in it, right? One
of the most important things about
dealing with discrimination
is knowing you're not alone. Biphobia and
bi erasure are real things. They cause
real stress, and one of the most important pieces
of dealing with discrimination is
knowing you're not alone.
That's it for today, folks. You've been
watching Ask Kai: Quick Tips for the
Apocalypse. Stay safe, wash your hands, wear a mask.
Don't throw parties and share beers!
Nobody needs your COVID spit.
