 
At Home in Grassland

By Penny Michaels

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2019

Carson Jennings

January 2016

"I cannot believe you planned your wedding under the assumption that my team wouldn't make it to the playoffs and yours would." I say to Max as we sit at the bar in his kitchen. This house used to be mine; I guess technically it still is, but he's been renting it from me for several months. I know he and Belle want to buy it. Personally, I'd just as soon give it to them, but until I can convince him to pay me a price I consider fair... and by fair, I mean less than he's offering... I guess he'll keep renting.

"But you didn't make it to the playoffs." Max reasons with the logic that has always infuriated me about my best friend.

"That isn't the point. We went to the Super Bowl last year, and the Gators' season ended in the first round of the playoffs."

"I wasn't coaching last year." He points out, but I continue.

"The point is, you planned the wedding around the assumption that the Gators would go to state..."

"Which we did. In fact, we won." He says, grinning proudly. When we were in high school, I got moved up to varsity a year before Max, so I was on a State Championship team when I was a freshman. We went back our senior year but lost by a narrow margin. Now Max will get his championship ring as a coach, and knowing Max as I do, that's just the way he'd want it.

"But if you'd assumed that we were going to make it to the playoffs we might have." I argue. In reality, I know he's known since they set a date in October that any playoff action for the Ravens was a long shot, but I like to take the occasional jab at Max because he's so earnest it makes him an easy target. Especially now that he's pretty much living the dream.

The truth is, I'm happier for Max than anyone could be, but I've had an intense couple of months and more than anything, I need my best friend. But this is his weekend, and I don't want to pile a bunch of drama on him so for the moment I'm trying to keep things light.

I slap him on the back and say. "Seriously man, good job. You got the girl. You got the education. You got the job coaching the Gators. You did good."

"Thanks, QB. I couldn't have done any of it without you... well at least, I couldn't have gotten Belle without you, and that's the most important part."

"Is she handling all the pre-wedding stuff okay?" I ask with concern. Belle and I were forced into a tenuous alliance a long time ago, but over the years she's become one of my best friends, and I know that the stress of dealing with her mother and a wedding can't be easy for her.

"Sure. The wedding is small and very casual." He explains.

"So, what time is Fisher getting here?" I ask.

Fisher is a great friend, and I know he and Max have become really close these last few months since Max has lived back here in Grassland and Fisher is only in Montgomery. But if I'm honest I'm a little jealous of their friendship and was looking forward to having my best friend to myself before his wedding... not to sharing him with Fisher.

"They're supposed to be here around six. And then we'll take off and go to Avery's." He explains. We have his bachelor party tonight. The rehearsal tomorrow and the wedding Saturday.

"What they?" I ask, curiously.

"His girlfriend is coming too." Max answers.

"Fisher has a girlfriend?" I say, a bit surprised to hear it.

"Yes, Belle and her maid of honor Lilly are coming by soon to get her and take her with them to the bachelorette party at Georgia's."

"Hmmm, Lilly is in town?" I ask, trying not to act too interested.

"Of course." Max says, giving me a raised eyebrow. "She's Belle's best friend and the maid of honor."

"Oh yeah, of course." I say and then add. "Hmm, I uh, always thought Fisher might... you know...play for the other team."

Max thinks on it for a minute. "Oh no. You don't really think that, do you?"

"Yeah, we all did. You didn't?" I ask incredulously before explaining. "He could have had anyone he wanted, but did you ever see him dating anyone... I mean besides the convenient one-night stand?"

"Oh no." Max says, shaking his head.

"Man, you were one Clean Marine. What's the big deal? We were wrong, right?" I say with a laugh.

Max shakes his head. "He didn't say it was a girlfriend. I just assumed it was a girlfriend. He said someone... I'm bringing someone with me." Max explains standing up and pacing around the room. "Anyone can do whatever they want in their own personal lives, but I'm a football coach in Alabama. This could be bad."

"Okay, just relax." I say, more amused by this turn of events than I should be.

"Was that a car?" Max asks, his eyes big with terror.

I chew on the inside of my lip to keep from laughing. "You want me to open the door and diffuse the situation in case there's like a rainbow flag flying out there?"

"I can't believe Belle and Lilly haven't gotten here yet. It's gonna be all over town that Coach Cooper was alone in his house with a gay couple and the NFL's most eligible bachelor!"

"Like you could have me." I tease as we make our way to the front door. I look out the window while Max stands beside me, probably praying.

"Okay it's good." I assure him. "It's thin and tanned. I see long fluffy black hair and yes, that's definitely a curvy leg getting out of the car. Dude I think you're safe."

"Really, it's a girl?" Max asks with relief, but then he watches me, and I know my face probably transforms from comical to stunned to furious in about two seconds.

"It's not a girl?" He asks with concern.

"No, it's not a girl." I say angrily. "It's Torie."

January 2008

I hate coming back after Christmas break. All the rich kids are happily showing off new cars, laptops and iPhones. Meanwhile I'm a Gator superstar with a flip phone, an archaic desktop and I share with my mom a well-used hatchback with a booster seat in back. Even Max has a phone from this millennium, and he has his own truck. Of course, the difference is that while Max has to work for everything he has, Georgia still buys his clothes and food... neither of which is a small amount since the boy eats more than any two of our friends and is still growing at seventeen.

My mom does her best, but it's not easy. She has three of us involved in lots of expensive activities, not to mention clothing two girls who expect to have everything everyone else has. To make matters worse, we had to give up an ideal rental house in the county several years ago and move to a more expensive apartment that would put us inside the Gator school district. So, when it comes to the choice of a new phone or better car verses kicking in on groceries and the utilities there's no question. She hates it and it's practically the only thing we ever fight about, but at the end of the day, what choice does she have?

And if it's not bad enough being without a hot car, hot phone, or hot girlfriend... I'm saddled with a best friend who could depress the happiest person on earth. A week ago, he started the New Year in a state of euphoria over what he believed to be the beginning of something with Belle Carpenter. Now he's gone the other way and is convinced that Belle hates him and is out of his life forever. Their off-again, more-off-again relationship is becoming too much for me.

And now the office has messed up my schedule. I'm supposed to have my free period last, so I can do my conditioning during school and then leave and be at work by 4:00. That's the way they did it last year and that's the way Coach assured me they'd fix it for this year, but instead I have free period after lunch which means that I don't have enough time to eat, work out, shower, change and make it back to class. At seventeen eating is high on my list of priorities, but spring conditioning is mandatory for players. If they can't fix my schedule, it's going to mean coming in at 6:00 like Max does. That would be fine except that most days I have to take the girls to school. I swing into the office and ask for Mrs. Asher, and I'm told by a gothic-sophomore girl to take a number. I groan my frustration, but then I resign myself to sit down and wait my turn.

I open a book and lean forward to see if I can catch a glimpse of whoever is in her office. It's a new girl... at least I've never seen her before. She's got short, shiny black hair and her clothes are mostly black – but not the freaky black like the girl working the desk, but more like sexy-black; black tank, black leather jacket, faded jeans and black boots. She turns to the side and if I'm not mistaken her hair has a streak of purple in the front. And even from here I can tell she's built like nobody's business.

Just then the office door opens, and I lean back quickly, trying not to look like I'm caught staring.

"Trina, will you page Belle Carpenter to the office to show Ms. Reyes around today. They have their core classes together." Mrs. Asher asks the office worker behind the desk and then turns toward me.

"Carson this is Dr. Reyes and his daughter Torie. Torie's a sophomore transferring from Ocala, Florida. Torie, Carson Jennings is a junior. He's our starting quarterback."

I smile and extend my hand, but she rolls her eyes and mutters.

"Football."

And then she breezes past me.

Mrs. Asher shrugs and follows her out to introduce her to Belle. I groan inwardly. This semester is getting off to an epic beginning.

Torie

"So, tell me what brings you to Grassland Dr. Reyes?" Mrs. Asher asks as we all sit around in her office after completing the initial registration paperwork.

Thus far, my father has been making polite small talk, but so far, she's limited her questions to ones that require a one-word response. He nudges me and answers in Spanish, and I begin translating like a professional. As the second oldest of six kids with two parents whose English skills are marginal, I've been translating since I can remember.

"My practice in Ocala was getting very large and taking too much time away from my family. Two other doctors were interested in buying into it, so it was a good time to sell and make some changes. Mobile is a smaller opportunity and closer to our family and yet near enough to consult on cases in Birmingham. We looked at several surrounding communities and felt that Grassland was a good fit for our family." I answer with schooled indifference to the words that I'm saying.

"Your translation is exceptional." She tells me with a warm smile. "You should consider being an aide in Advanced Spanish. The teacher would love you and it would look good on your transcripts."

I translate her response to my father; partly out of habit and partly because I know he'd be angry if he felt I was leaving him out of the conversation. He responds first and then I add my own answer.

"Torie has a 4.0. Her grades speak for her... that was him." I say and then add. "But thank you for the offer. I will consider it."

I know he understands more than he lets on, and I'm sure he understood that. He won't approve of me publicly disagreeing with his answer, but he'd never call me out in public.

"So, you mentioned something about registering other children today?" She asks.

"Yes." I translate. "We have two at the elementary school, and one at the middle school. My wife is taking them. I took our ninth grader to the freshman center first and now we're here. Five girls." I answer for him and then add, "And a boy who's older than me."

This earns me a glare and I decide it's time to stop adding to the conversation.

"Well Torie, we're thrilled you and your sisters are going to be part of our school system. And I know it's probably stressful to start in the middle of your sophomore year, but I just registered a guy who's in the middle of his junior year and this is his 8th school since kindergarten, so it could be worse. Now I'm going to take you out and introduce you to a student with a similar schedule to yours. Belle is just the sweetest things. She's one of our cheerleaders and on the student council."

I smile politely, but just the description of the cheerleader makes me hate her already. I follow her out and we stop at the desk to pull some paperwork and then she asks the office worker to page this Belle person. Then she introduces me to a really hot football player, but I have a moral objection to football players as a species, and guys who look like him in particular; especially when he looks at my boobs before he looks at my eyes. So, I scowl, and we keep going.

I hate it here already.

Max

"I mean, if she'd just say something one way or the other. That's all I'm asking for!" I argue, and I can feel Carson's hatred of me. I know I've gone down a pathetic rabbit hole, but I really can't seem to help myself. Moping about Belle has become my life's obsession, and I don't think I could stop it if I wanted to; and I do want to!

"You could try talking to her." He says lamely; we've had this conversation a few hundred times since New Year's.

"I've tried that." I say dejectedly.

"A wise man might take that as a hint."

"Go to hell." I say with disgust... mostly aimed at myself. I check my watch. "I gotta go. I'm on new kid duty today."

"Not the hot Latino girl?"

"I wish." I answer, although in reality I have no interest in hot Latino girls or any other hot girls who aren't auburn ponytailed cheerleaders. "No, I've got a belligerent full-back with a Napoleon Complex; recently relocated from Washington State, but he's lived everywhere."

"Is he in your classes?"

"No, he's mostly in general studies, but he's in my computer sciences class. He brags about being a super-hacker. And he's got first period conditioning with me and lunch. I told him to come early so he could shower and make it to class on time. He looked at me like I was crazy and said he never gets in trouble for being late."

I shrug and fist bump Carson before taking off in search of the newest addition to the Grassland Gators. I find him in the quad, far from where he's supposed to be, chatting up Cami Evan and Taylor Marsh.

"So, I see you girls have met Fisher Barnes." I say, sounding like a ridiculous game show host.

"Oh yes. We were getting acquainted." He says with a wink and they both practically swoon. I don't get it, not that I'm an expert at what girls are interested in, but he's too short. And his hair is all over the place... like maybe he's trying to gain an extra couple of inches from hair that stands wildly on top of his head. He's wearing skinny jeans and converse tennis shoes and a tee-shirt with a logo for some artsy band that I've never heard of.

"Ladies, let's have lunch soon, okay?" He croons with another wink and a wave goodbye.

"So, what is the girl situation here?" He asks when we backtrack and walk into the building.

I shrug. "Cami and Taylor are both pretty cool. I've hung out with Cami a few times. You know; they're both cheerleaders."

"Who's the hot Latino girl with the purple hair?" He asks as we walk toward his history class, two doors down from mine.

"I don't know." I say thinking about what Carson had said. "I think maybe she's new too."

"That could work." He says approvingly. "You know; two news make a right. Hey... check it out. She's coming straight toward us."

She is coming straight toward us, but I'm not looking at her because she happens to be walking next to Belle.

"Hey fellow new girl." Fisher says forcing us to all stop in the middle of the hall. "Fisher Barnes... professional new kid in school. This is my eighth school in twelve years. I've got it wired."

"Torie Reyes." She says with cool indifference.

"Fisher this is Belle Carpenter." I add and watch in horror as he takes her hand. For a moment, I'm certain he's going to do something cheesy like kiss it, and then I'd have to kill him; but instead he shakes hands with both of them. Who shakes hands in the hall of a high school?

"Uh... Torie this is Max... Max Cooper." Belle says, refusing to meet my eyes.

"Nice to meet you Max Cooper. You too, professional new boy." She says with a wink, though I'm not sure which one of us it was directed at. Then they walk on down the hall and Fisher offers a low whistle.

"Wow bro that was wretched."

"What?" I say indignantly.

"You and Strawberry Shortcake. What'd you do to her?"

"Nothing!" I say, sounding slightly screechy even to my own ears. "What makes you think I did something to her?"

"Cause, she looks pissed and you look desperate."

"She looks pissed?" I say, turning around to watch her walking away. I don't think she looks pissed. I think she looks sad and lost. She's looked that way every time I've seen her since New Year's Eve, but rather than letting me in again like she did then, she just keeps shutting me out.

"She won't even make eye contact with you." He explains, but then he stops as realization dawns. "But maybe she's not pissed. Maybe she's guilty. So, the question isn't what did you do to her; maybe it's what did she do to you?"

"Nobody did anything to anybody." I say angrily just about to lose my temper in a way people are not used to seeing from me, but then he laughs and pops me on the shoulder, and I settle down.

"So, tell me about this famous football team you've got because the only redeeming quality about getting dropped in this hole in the earth is that I intend to win a state title. Lucky for you guys... this is my last stop before adulthood so, you can win with me."

Belle

"So, he's hot." Torie says conversationally when we start down the hall to class. At first, she seemed determined not to like me and I'm feeling anything but hospitable. On most days, this is right up my alley. Raised by my mother, I am well-schooled in the art of being a professional hostess and could usually carry a conversation with the least willing participant. But since New Year's, I seldom feel like my usual self. Fortunately, after three periods of walking together it would appear that Torie has decided to make the best of our time together and is making an effort to talk.

"The new guy?" I ask, willing myself not to turn around and make sure that Max is okay. Worrying about hurting Max has become my lone purpose for living lately... well that along with thinking about how I wish he and I could just start over without the drama.

"No, the farm boy... you know if you like that whole southern-charm with boots and a belt buckle the size of a dinner plate. I bet he drives a big ole pick-up truck with guns on the back." She says adopting a mock southern drawl.

"It doesn't have guns." I say absently. God why does he have to look at me like that; like he's seen me naked? No... like he's seen inside my soul.

"Oh, so you've been in this truck." She says approvingly. "How tall is he anyway?"

"I don't know... really tall." I say nervously, trying not to remember the way he picked me up when he kissed me. I'm not all that successful at not remembering mostly because it was an exceptional kiss. Then I turn to her and ask, "So do you... you know, like that whole southern-charm with boots and a belt buckle the size of a dinner plate?"

She laughs. "Not usually, but you obviously do."

I roll my eyes, and she continues talking. "My type is more the 'marginally attractive guy who reels you in and then treats you like crap afterwards.'"

"Well Max definitely isn't your type. He couldn't treat anyone like crap if he tried." I say wistfully.

"See, I knew you were totally vibing on him. What is the deal? He looks at you like a little lost basset hound. It makes me want him to be my type."

I shake my head. "Is it too clichéd to say it's complicated?"

She shrugs. "It is what it is, but I'm just telling you if a guy like that is looking at you like that, you're stupid not to jump on it. On the other hand, the new guy is totally hot too... a little too short. But he didn't look at my boobs immediately even though they were right at his eye-level. Unlike, the cute quarterback I met in the office this morning. His eyes went straight for the boobs. But they were terrific eyes. They look like a tiger poster that used to hang in my brother's bedroom."

"That would be Carson Jennings." I tell her, thinking that Carson would be totally out of his league with her.

I shrug and add with a bit more bite than is necessary, "He's a nice guy, but you're not his type."

"Are you?" She responds, and I realize just how bitchy I'm acting.

"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that." I respond guiltily. "Just don't let the appearance fool you. Carson only dates Stepford blonds. He is the whitest guy at Grassland High School."

"Hmmm what a waste." She says and if I'm not mistaken, there's a spark of challenge in her eyes.

Fisher

I pull into the garage at a little after 4:00 o'clock and put my Porsche in park, and then sit for a few minutes while the last few lines of Bright Mississippi by Allen Toussaint continue to play. My favorite song on the album is Long, Long, Journey, followed closely by the classic Duke Ellington standard Solitude. Although lately Dear Old Southland has found its way to the top of my playlist. Most people who listen to modern jazz are compulsive about having everything on vinyl. Yes, I suppose vinyl sounds better, and it is sort of retro-chic, but to me those guys are mostly just listening to it because they're posers who want to appear intellectually superior. I listen to it because I like it and if I'm going to listen to it, I want to have it in my car or on my iPod when I work out. And yes...while most guys are working out to classics like Black Sabbath or popular hits like Kanye West... or in the case of my latest residence probably Hank Williams Junior or something... I hit the weights and the treadmill to Miles Davis and Ella Fitzgerald. It's just how I'm wired.

I go inside and down the hall to my bedroom. This new house has six bedrooms; two downstairs and four upstairs. For the life of me I don't understand why my room is down here and my dad's is upstairs. But I guess it's a metaphor for our relationship.

I unpack my backpack and put my books and homework on my desk and then I put my gym bag in my closet. I've never lived in a house without a housekeeper. My father is a fanatic about keeping a clean house. But the reality is that I inherited his neat freak tendencies from him and other than occasional heavy-duty housework, we'd manage just fine on our own. But it's been just the two of us since my mom left thirteen years ago, and a housekeeper has always been part of the deal.

I hang out alone in my room for a couple of hours playing Xbox and then finally wander back down the hall to the kitchen for dinner. I find a stack of frozen casseroles from the housekeeper labeled with recipes and microwaving instructions. I choose one that says it has ham, potatoes, cheese and peas and pop it in the microwave for three minutes. That's home cooking at the Barnes' house.

As if on cue the back door opens and in walks my dad. We look alike. It's a little unnerving at times to see your father's face looking back from the mirror, or the mirror looking back at you when you talk to your dad. He's older, his hair is thinner, greyer and shorter and he's a little less built-up, but basically, he's me in twenty-five years and a tie.

"How was your first day of school?" He asks, hanging his car keys on the hook. "I hate I couldn't go with you to registration."

"It was fine. The guidance counselor, Mrs. Asher, said you'd sent everything over so all I had to do was show up. Besides, it's not like I'm not experienced at getting registered for school." I say, setting two plates and forks on the bar as the casserole dings.

"Did the new housekeeper leave that? I knew I liked her." He says, helping himself to food and taking the seat across from me at the bar. "So how did it stack up to your last school?"

"You're kidding me, right? My last school was outside of Seattle... a real city, with real culture and real people. It didn't stack up. Period."

"Yeah, but we're from the Midwest. We're Buckeyes. And you're in the hallowed ground of the Crimson Tide down here. Football isn't just a sport in Alabama. It's a religion."

I don't remind my dad that we've hardly ever been in a church so what do we possibly know about religion? Of course, my dad is a "social chameleon" so now that we're living in the Bible belt, he'll probably have me in the second pew of the first Baptist church before I can say "bless your heart."

"Well it is better than that seventeen months we spent in Nebraska." I admit grudgingly. "And the girls are way hotter. I love those southern accents."

"Make sure you say please, thank you and ma'am. Southern girls put a lot of stock in good manners. So, did you meet anyone interesting?"

I shrug. "A girl named Taylor seemed like she might be cool. And a cute read-haired sophomore with killer legs. I hear she used to be a gymnast. And another new girl who was starting today too."

"Gymnast can be fun." He says approvingly. "By the way, your mom called today. She wanted to know if you wanted to come to Boston and spend spring break with her."

I've seen my mother no more than a dozen times since she left me at four years old and never in the same place twice. She has good intentions, but lousy follow through. "I tell you what. I got a Christmas check from Boston just a few weeks ago. If she's still on the east coast by spring break, we'll talk about a visit."

"Fair enough." He says with a shrug before taking my plate and his and loading them into the dishwasher. Within minutes we have the kitchen back in showroom condition, and he says, "So, will you be okay on your own tonight? I'm meeting some people from the office for drinks."

I assure him I'll be fine and then watch him go to his room to change, and he's out the back door in less than a half hour without a goodbye. I make up my mind that I've got to make some "hanging-out-friends" soon because I'm not a fan of sitting home alone. I decide to settle into the home theater with a movie. I think I can get The Reader on pay-per-view. It was just nominated for best picture, and I make it a point to watch all the Oscar nominees before the big event. I take a beer from the refrigerator; my dad never says a word as long as I limit it to a couple a night, and then I start for the theater, but I'm interrupted by the doorbell.

I open the door and try not to gasp when I see that it's leggy, blond Taylor Marsh.

"So, my mom is a realtor. She knows every house that's sold or leased in the area. Once I got her involved it was really easy to find you." She explains, forcing her way passed me and into the house; not that much force is required.

She takes off her wool pea-coat and reveals a purple string bikini over long, lean, tanned curves. She reaches for my beer and takes a long drink before saying, "I read the listing and it says you have a hot tub on the back deck. Care to lead the way."

I grin and think, "Maybe Alabama isn't going to be such a nightmare after all."

Torie

March 2008

Who'd have thought a coastal town like Grassland would have a vintage vinyl record store like Spin? It's a hole in the wall place on Main Street occupying a second story space over a first story spot that has been everything from a Café to a boutique to a gallery. At the moment, it's a wine shop called The Vine. Spin on the other hand appears to be a bit of a Grassland institution. People buy and sell vintage albums, but newer CD's are also available. Unlike most music stores though, they don't carry movies, games, calendars or those stuffed animals that stick to your window. They do carry vintage posters, and it's the premier place for local artist to perform.

I wandered in here one day because I was looking for a copy of Opeth's Blackwater Park. Instead I found not one, but two signs on the bulletin board at the entrance that caught my eye. One was an ad for a bass player for a Melodic Death Metal Band called "Noir" and the other was a help wanted sign. I responded to both and now I'm the only girl in a terribly clichéd garage band and a salesgirl at Spin.

"Hey new girl. Are you working or just hanging out?"

I smile at Fisher Barnes and step out from behind the counter where I'm doing homework on a Tuesday night. I've talked to Fisher a few times in the hall. He seems like a bit of an enigma to me, but I can't decide if it's authentic or just part of his "new kid in town" persona. He willingly admits that he's done this quite a few times. He would know that there's a certain amount of mystique that comes with being "unknown" in a town where most everyone has been "known" since kindergarten. It doesn't hurt that he doesn't dress, talk or look like anyone else around here. He's got muscles on top of muscles and a body that should come with a warning label, even if it is packed into only about 5 ft 9 inches. As men in Mexico are generally shorter than men in the US, I can remember overhearing my mama and aunts talking one time about the upside to short men; most specifically their feeling of having something to prove.

"You registered about ten minutes before me. You don't get to call me new girl. May name is Torie."

"Victoria?" He asks, propping on the counter.

"Victoria Rose. What kind of name is Fisher?"

"My mom's maiden name... ironic since she took it back four years later when she divorced my dad." He explains, not sounding bitter or angry. I'd be both.

"Do you ever see her?"

He shrugs. "Not much. She's been remarried a couple of times. I have a half-brother in Little Rock who's seven or eight. I've never met him. I met his dad once though. He was a good guy."

"Wow... that's messed up. But my family puts the fun in dysfunctional so... I have four sisters. I'm sixteen. Alyssa is fourteen, Camille is thirteen, Marin is nine & Ivy is seven. Getting hair fixed at our house is positively frightening."

"No boys?"

"Oh yes. My brother Alex is nineteen. He's working in Panama City right now." I answer, looking away. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I've gotten so used to not talking about Alex that for a moment I almost forgot about him.

"So obviously, you're working here." He says. "Did I also hear you're playing in a band?"

"Yeah it's something to do." I answer blithely but I'm anything but blasé when it comes to music. In life, I strive to surprise people. I suppose the girl with the purple hair, black leather clothes and obscure family details is a stereotype taken further by playing bass in a garage band, but that's one area of my life where I don't care. It's too much of who I am.

"What does your shirt say?" He asks, peering at my tee shirt. So, I guess he does look at my boobs after all.

"If there's a new way, I'd be the first in line." I answer. "It's a quote by Dave Mustaine from Megadeth. It's about the ever-evolving life of metal."

"Yeah." He says with disgust.

"Not a fan?" I ask, with a raised eyebrow. Perhaps he's not as evolved as he seems.

"Of pseudo-mutineers who want to give voice to their epic struggle against the forces of commercialism and consumerism? No, afraid I'm not. Mostly because I happen to be a huge fan of commercialism and consumerism since I'm rich. Also, because I prefer a little more music in my music."

"Okay seriously? Give me your phone." I demand.

"Why?" He asks, holding it up, but pulling it back when I reach for it.

"I want to see your playlist. People always claim to have these very developed tastes in music and spout these artists that they love, but you get the playlist off their phone and they're listening to Taylor Swift and Justin Timberlake."

"I happen to love Taylor Swift. She's totally hot in that music video about the prince and the princess. And Justin Timberlake is considered one of the premier talents of our generation." He says, handing it over.

"Okay Mr. New-boy-with-mystique. Let's see what you're really made of." I tease, clicking through a few buttons until I find his recent playlist and I feel my stomach flip ever-so-slightly. "John Coltrane, Dexter Gordon, Etta James, The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan... This is amazing. Your taste really is eclectic."

"I'm eclectic. I've picked up tastes and interests from everywhere I've been." He explains with a nonchalant shrug. "When you've moved around as much as I have, and your surroundings have changed as many times as mine have, who you are has to be pretty clearly defined or you'll never be anybody."

I nod because I get it, but I'm not sure I've done it. Sometimes I feel like despite my best efforts I'm exactly who the world tells me to be. "Let's see what else you've got. Patsy Cline?"

"Crazy is probably the sexiest song ever written and her version is the sexiest ever sung." He says offering a slow smile. I can't help noticing that his eyes are such a dark blue they almost appear black... but not scary black; more like boundless, hypnotic black.

"Lynyrd Skynyrd and Hank Williams Jr?" I say wrinkling my nose.

He laughs and answers, "When in Rome, right? Texas Women is a great driving song and if you can find a better leg work-out than doing squats through Free Bird, I'd like to hear about it."

"Wait a minute!" I say as I scroll passed the next entry. " **Mötley Crüe**? You don't like metal, but you're listening to **Mötley Crüe**? What's up with that?"

"I like Hair Bands." He says defensively. "It's like... theater."

"You like musical theater?" I ask and then hit the next entry. "Oh, I guess so. The entire soundtrack from Wicked."

"I dated a girl once who dreamed of playing Elphaba on Broadway and it kind of stuck." He explains, and offers me a smug grin, and wink. "So, you claim you're a metal fan, but you're really a metal snob, right?"

"If you mean that I prefer gritty music that mirrors the clash of the steel mills that were the soundtrack for the life of Judas Priest, Black Sabbath and Deep Purple over lyrics like 'plug me in, I'm alive tonight.' Yeah I guess that makes me a snob." I argue.

"Oh, give me a break." He says rolling his eyes. "You're a catholic schoolgirl whose dad is a cardiologist in Alabama. What do you possibly have in common with guys growing up in the industrial center of England?"

"How do you know my dad's a cardiologist?" I ask suspiciously, not adding that I'm impressed that he knows that metal was born out of the industrial center of England.

"I asked around about you." He admits with a hint of challenge in his eyes that once again causes my stomach to flip over.

"How do you know I'm Catholic?" I counter, trying to steel myself against his charm. I'm not sure I have a chance of succeeding.

He shrugs. "Lucky guess."

"Latino stereotype is more like it. I'm surprised you didn't just assume my parents own a restaurant like most people do. My father went to medical school at Baylor and my mother has her Master's in Art History from UNAM which, by the way, is a world class university in Mexico City!"

He grins at me and it makes me both tingly and irrationally angry. "It's cute how your accent gets thicker when you're mad."

"I'm not mad." I disagree.

"Sure, you are. I'd be mad too if everyone assumed they knew who I was based on my accent. That's' the good thing about being me. No one can figure me out. It makes me intriguing."

"And you have no shortage of confidence either do you?" I chastise lightly.

He grins again and says, "You think I have mystique."

"What?"

"You said I have mystique. You said it. So, you wanna go out sometime?" He asks casually.

"No." I state firmly.

"No?"

"No. You're not my type." I answer with far more indifference than I feel.

"Okay, first of all, you don't know me well enough to know if I'm your type or not. Second, I'm not a type so... there you go. And third, what is your type?"

"I don't know, but it isn't you." I answer haughtily and for the life of me I don't know why because everything in me is screaming that I should say yes. "Besides, it's too much of a cliché; girl with purple hair who wears black leather and rich kid from out of town. It's like a bad teen movie."

"You don't know your type, but you know it isn't me." He says, in disbelief before asking. "Okay, so who are you crushing on? I mean, new school. There's gotta be someone."

"I don't know. Max Cooper is about the most adorable guy I've ever met in person. If he'd just stop moping after the little mermaid, we could make something happen." I tell him. The truth is Max Cooper, while definitely adorable, is way too sweet and earnest to ever hold my attention.

"Max?" He says, his cool indifference dropping for a second and his mouth hanging open incredulously.

"No way. 6"4' with boots, jeans, a belt buckle and a truck that probably has a Confederate flag somewhere inside. If Mr. Long-tall-southern-gentleman hooks up with sexy-purple-haired-girl-in-black-leather, we're talking about a total cliché. It's like Footloose in reverse." He says with another eye-roll, before adding. "But if it happens let me know, because I'd totally be willing to go for Belle. And the Little Mermaid was Ariel, by the way. Belle is from Beauty and the Beast."

I shake my head. "I meant because she has red hair. Anyway, she's totally hung up on him and he's besotted by her so we're probably both wasting our time there. But you know that quarterback is pretty hot." I say... and it's true, even though I haven't seen or thought about him since the first day of school. I'm just curious to see what kind of reaction I can get out of Fisher for that one.

"Carson's a good guy." He says, a little too tensely. "But I hear he has a very specific type and you're not it."

I shrug. "I like a challenge."

"Hmm. So, do I."

I shake my head and reply with sincerity. "Don't say that. I like you. I don't want to feel like you're constantly trying to woo me. So, let's just put it out of the picture right now. I'm not going out with you ever, but I like you and I hope we can be friends."

He shrugs indifferently. "Plenty of fish in the sea New Girl. Friends works for me."

"Good, now, let me have your phone again." I say, pulling out mine and hitting my Bluetooth. "I'm sharing my favorite Deep Purple album with you. Just give it a chance."

"Why do you care?"

"You have great taste in music. I refuse to believe you'd like every kind of music in the world except what I like." I answer truthfully.

"Okay, but I get to see your playlist too. It's only fair." He points out.

"Fine." I say, handing it over.

He scrolls through, obviously not surprised by much. I guess I'm more of a stereotype than I realize. Then he stops. "Firebird by Stravinsky and Ravel's Bolero?"

"Well I guess you're not the only one who's a bit eclectic."

Carson

April 2008

Spring break when you live on the Gulf Coast can go two ways. If you're one of the lucky ones, you can spend the day on a boat in the bay or make the 45-minute drive over to Gulf Shores or Orange Beach. You can drive in most any direction and find some version of a beach party. Or if you're one of the unlucky ones you can celebrate spring break by working days as well as nights. I fall into the second category.

At the moment, I'm on the overnight. It's just after midnight when a crowd of my friends from school come pouring in after a day of partying in Gulf Shores. Smith has a boat that carries about twelve at a time. Smith texted me this morning to see if I wanted to sail over to Gulf Shores and spend the day on the beach and hanging out, but I had to refuse since I was scheduled to close. Avery has offered Max and me free reign with his boat, but it's a three or four-seater at best.

"Hey dude. We figured if you couldn't come party with us, we'd bring the party to you." Smith says, offering me a modified high five.

He's not being a jerk about it. He's just a clueless rich kid. And the thing is, if Max worked here and this happened to him, he'd be all about it. He'd make everyone fix their own plate, they'd all take turns trying on his Bayou Biscuit uniform cap and it would become one of those legendary stories they'd tell at spring break for years to come. But that's Max; except with Belle, he's the definition of comfortable in his own skin. And I'm anything but.

I get everyone's orders and I come out from behind the counter to talk as I wait for orders to come up. I might not be comfortable in my skin, but I'm exceptional when it comes to faking it.

"So, this has to suck?" Fisher asks when the trays come out and he joins me at the counter to help serve.

"You don't have to do this." I protest.

"I'm starving." He explains.

I look at his plate skeptically as we both begin handing out orders while everyone talks excitedly and digs into midnight breakfasts. "Egg-white omelet with no cheese and dry wheat toast? Not exactly what I'd call cutting loose."

He laughs and reaches for a fork as I prop on the table next to him and we talk. "I'm a little vertically challenged and as a result I have to work to stay in shape. If I ate like some of these guys, I'd be the same width as my height."

"True. Max is three inches taller than me, but he can eat three times what I do. He claims if he doesn't eat a-half-dozen eggs for breakfast and a couple of peanut butter shakes a day, he'll get too skinny to play."

"He's probably right." He agrees and then changes gears and asks, "So, where's he been anyway? He's missed a few weeks. Is everything okay? I noticed his girlfriend has been particularly mopey lately too."

My brow jaw sets a little too intensely and I say, "Max doesn't have a girlfriend."

"Belle Carpenter. They might not be together but it's obvious they want to be. When he's not watching her, she's watching him." He points out.

His words stop me in my tracks. He seems like a pretty self-involved kind of guy. If he's noticed the thing between Max and Belle, then who else knows? But then I think about the way he brags about being a professional new kid. Maybe he's just better at reading people than the rest of these guys. It's easy to think you know what someone is or isn't when you've known them your whole life.

I shake my head, willing away the possibility. Helping Belle get an abortion was the scariest thing I've ever done, and I only had the courage to do it because I was trying to save Max from what would have been a disastrous future. But if Max and Belle end up together, I'm not sure he'd ever forgive me for my part in it all.

"No, Max has just had some stuff going on. He's in New Orleans with his sister." I explain.

He nods and says, "Oh yeah, the one who's boyfriend went to prison for killing the guy in the bar fight."

"It wasn't like that." I say defensively. "He's a really good guy. If he hadn't been a record setting defensive back, he'd have gotten off on self-defense, but he's like classified as a deadly weapon."

"Oh, man that's the coolest thing I've ever heard. What are the chances of me meeting this guy when he gets out?" He says excitedly, and I realize Max is right. It's basically impossible not to like him.

"Yeah probably. His girlfriend is Max's sister and his brother is probably going to marry my mom so..."

"Awesome. Actually, I'm a big fan of killing the drunk and disorderly in bar fights. I'm basically a pacifist but I think if we went a little more wild-west the world would be a better place." He says with a firm nod.

I laugh. He's only been here a few months but his reputation as a serious partier is already known. "From what I hear you're likely to be among the drunk and disorderly."

"Disorderly... absolutely. Drunk... seldom. I have an extremely high tolerance for alcohol; Sedatives too. When I was nine my appendix ruptured and three years ago, I broke my humerus skateboarding and had to have pins. Both times when they were putting me to sleep, I could hear the anesthesiologist saying, 'hit him again, hit him again.' I could never be a junkie because it would cost too much."

I laugh ruefully because it's the spring of 2008 and he has a 2009 Porsche Cayenne. I doubt there's much he can't afford.

"So, Max and Belle really aren't a thing?" He continues.

"No why?" I ask suspiciously.

He shrugs. "Belle's a knockout. If she's available, then I'd be interested."

"Really." I say calmly. It bugs me that after everything I still feel protective of Belle for Max's sake. I don't want them together, but I know it'll kill him when she finds someone else.

He gives me a quizzical look and says, "I mean, you're not..."

"No." I protest truthfully. "As far as I know Belle is fair game."

"Cool. You know who was asking about you?" He says and answers without waiting for a response. "Torie Reyes."

"No way. She's the one with the purple hair?" I ask recalling her from back at the beginning of the year but not seeing much recently. "She's hot, but... I don't know; not really my type."

"She's cool. You should check her out."

"Why aren't you checking her out?" I ask skeptically.

He shrugs. "Because I'm not her type."

"I heard you'd been hooking up with Taylor Marsh."

"Never hurts to have options. But if you're not interested in Torie I can steer her toward Max cause she likes him too."

Max could use a distraction of the Torie Reyes variety. But all at once it hits me how much energy I expend worrying about Max's love life and I say, "So she's interested in me?"

"That's what I'm talking about. I'm telling you... if you're her type, you better damn well go for it."

Avery

May 2008

I study myself in the mirror and straighten my tie again. I remember the first time I saw Claire... all graceful long limbs dressed in pink scrubs and blonde hair falling out of a bun. I think I knew right then that she was it for me.

Clearly it took her a bit longer to decide that about me. She had hardly dated anyone since the girls' dad left four years ago. I think to her I was just supposed to be a fun distraction; a slightly younger man who pursued her relentlessly and was available to share laughs and bad cafeteria food. Occasionally we ended up making out in a supply closet, which certainly wasn't a bad way to pass an overnight shift, but I doubt she ever imagined it going further. But after a few months I wore her down. The first time I saw her... all graceful long limbs dressed in pink scrubs and blonde hair falling out of a bun, I knew she was the one for me. I didn't know that she came with a seventeen-year-old son, and eight and six-year-old daughters... but they were part of the deal. And now that she's mine, that means they're mine. I'd fight to the death for any one of them.

"Thinking about Hayden?" She asks, wrapping her arms around me and kissing the side of my neck. Her reflection in the mirror is so beautiful... all long graceful limbs and blond hair falling out of a bun, but this time it's on purpose and this time she's dressed in pale gold. She takes my breath away.

"Isn't it bad luck for me to see you before the ceremony?" I ask, turning around and kissing her lightly.

She shrugs. "I don't get into that nonsense."

"No, I wasn't thinking of Hayden. I'm trying not to think of Hayden today. It's the way he wants it." I say sadly, but I'm not being entirely honest. I hate that he's not with me for my wedding and I hate even more what he's going through. But I've seen him every two weeks and he was adamant that he wanted me to marry Claire the first chance I got. Between her three kids and Max, it just makes more sense to marry before school gets out for summer, so we have three months to move into the new house and get adjusted. And the fact that I couldn't stand to wait another day to marry the love of my life is just a bonus.

"He's going to be fine. He's going to get through this and then he's going to be a stronger, better man for it."

"How do you know that?" I ask seriously because I'm so afraid of the opposite. I'm afraid that this will compound all the darkness and damage he avoided during his years of foster care, and that this time it'll just be too much.

"Because I have faith and because I love you too much and I just have to believe that; I believe it enough for both of us." She says softly with tears in her eyes before adding. "I'd give anything to have Hayden with you today, but it means the world to me that you asked Carson to be your best man."

"Of course, I did. I want him to know that I'm not going to be like the girls' dad. When my mom married Hayden's dad, I gave her away; at the time, I didn't get the significance of what I was doing, but when I got older and I thought back on it, I hated it. I hated it because it felt exactly like what had happened in our lives. I gave her away and I lost her. I don't ever want Carson to feel that way. He's been in your life longer than anyone and he's been in the girls' lives longer than anyone. I love how protective he is of you all, and I'll never discount that."

"And I love you so much because you get that." She says wrapping her arms around me.

"Save it for later, you two." Carson says, entering the room followed by Max. A few months ago, he'd have never made a joke about this, but I'm glad to see him warming up to me. I know things are only going to get better. Max on the other hand is not doing great. I know he's taken things with Hayden and Georgia hard, and now she's going to Germany instead of coming home for the summer, but I can't help feeling like something else is going on with him.

"Mom, the girls are waiting for you so if you'll go, we can get this guy out there and you can get on with the wedding." Carson teases.

"It's just the six of us and the preacher. We're not punching a clock here. But I am ready to get on with it." She says, stopping to touch his face. "Take care of my groom."

"You know I've always got your back mom." He hugs her and then she stops and hugs Max too before leaving; just one of the many reasons I love her.

When she's gone, Carson turns to me and says, "So, I figure I gave you enough grief when you guys first started dating that you know my position. If you ever hurt my mom or my sisters, I'll kill you."

While I know he's 100% serious, I also note that he's smiling, as is Max, so I nod and say, "Point taken and duly noted. So, are you guys ready to go get me married?"

"Absolutely." Max says. His eyes look sad and tired, but the kid that Hayden dumped on me a few months ago is one of the best young men I've ever met. He stops and shakes my hand and heads toward the door leaving Carson and me alone.

Carson is undeniably a good kid too; who in so many ways reminds me of Hayden. I find it ironic that Max was raised with an absentee mother and a drunk father by a sister who had to be so tough and grow up too fast. Carson, on the other hand, was raised with a mom who would do anything for him and sisters who think he walks on water; but he's the one who is guarded and distrustful while Max is open and optimistic. Hayden was also guarded and distrustful, but he's cursed with that face that gives away everything he's thinking and feeling. That's not the case with Carson. I trust him because he's Claire's and because his actions have proven there's nothing he won't do for his family, but at the same time I wonder if the time will ever come when I look into those enigmatic golden-brown eyes and know exactly where I stand with him.

But, in a few minutes he's going to become my step-song, so, I stop him at the door and say, "Carson, all seriousness.... I love your mom more than anything, and I am so happy about being a part of your family. I just want you to know that I would never do anything to hurt any of you. I know trust doesn't come easy for you, but you can trust me."

He nods and once again I have no idea what he's thinking, but he says, "You're right. Trust doesn't come easy to me, and I suppose it never will. But my mom trusts you. As long as you live up to that, it's enough for me."

Torie

"What do you mean I'm going to Mexico for the summer?" I argue, standing toe to toe with my mother and speaking in rapid Spanish that is in most ways as smooth as my English.

"You heard me correctly Victoria. Your Aunt Rena is expecting you and your sisters the day after school lets out. I've already booked your flight. You're going to Mexico City for the summer to spend time with your grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins."

"You promised me that if I made the move here without complaining and causing trouble and if I helped the girls settle into a new school, you'd let me spend the summer in Panama City with Alex. I did that so now I want to see him! He's been texting me all week. He's so excited." I maintain furiously.

"I understand that, but he's not ready for you to come. Your father and I are going to spend the summer with him. We need that time with him, and we need to know that you girls are all safe and taken care of. Please don't fight me on this." She pleads.

I shake my head tearfully. "You're making him worse! Keeping him away from us is just making him feel crazy! We're his family; all of us. He needs to be with all of us." I shout.

"Do you remember what it was like when he was still at home Torie? You are the oldest. You should have the most memories of what he put us through." She says bitterly.

"I have the most good memories too. He's the one who taught me to play bass. He's the one who gave me my first Black Sabbath album!" I cry.

"Forgive me if I don't see that as reason to celebrate." She mutters, shaking her head. Then she squares her shoulders and says, "Your father and I have discussed this, and we know that you wanted to see him this summer, but he's just not ready. He's getting worse Torie, not better."

I shake my head. "You and daddy just make it harder on him."

"I know that's what you believe, but he's my son. He's my first baby and I'd do anything for him Torie. This isn't our fault."

I give her a hard look and say coldly, "I'm glad you're so sure of that, but forgive me if I'm less confident. I'm going out."

"Victoria..." She says sternly.

"Don't worry. I'll be back in time for my flight." I throw angrily over my shoulder and take off in the family Bronco. I drive to the first convenience store I find, storm in, set a six pack on the counter and pull out a $20.

"That'll be it." I say, not making eye contact.

"Sure thing, ma'am. I.D?" The guy behind the counter drawls.

"Seriously?" I say belligerently.

"I've got it." I hear a voice behind me reply and I turn to see Fisher handing the guy his "driver's license" and money for gas.

I follow him out, without acknowledging the clerk. When we're on the sidewalk I say, "Thanks. I can usually pass for 21. That's how I got my tattoo."

He gives me a skeptical look and says, "You should try being a little bit flirty. I mean, that sexy girl with an attitude act might work in some instances but with a body like yours you could get anything you wanted from a guy like that with a wink and a smile. You looked ready to take off his head."

I glare at him, and he smiles and says, "That's what happens when you listen to all that angry music of yours."

"So, you don't like the Deep Purple album?" I ask, unable to stop myself.

"I don't hate it." He responds, and the sun catches caramel highlights in his gorgeous dark blonde hair; I can't tell if they're from the sun or the salon, but with his money he can afford salon color that looks like the real stuff. It doesn't matter. He wears it well.

I hold up the six pack. "Thanks for this. I've had a really bad day."

"Sure, but you're not going to be driving, are you? I mean, I'm all for rule breaking and reckless abandon, but if you die or kill someone in a drunk driving accident, I'll never forgive myself." He argues.

I shrug and realize I hadn't thought that far in advance.

"Listen, I'm heading out to meet Carson and Max at Carson's stepdad's boat. You want to come?" He asks.

"Alone with three guys? My mama might forgive me for the six pack, but that would send her to her grave." I say, feeling myself smile for the first time since I found out about my trip to Mexico.

"So, I'll call and tell them to go without me." He says pulling out his phone.

"No, don't worry about me." I protest but he's already dialing and when the call is finished, he puts his hand on my back and guides me toward his car; a shiny silver Porsche.

"Come on. We'll go for a drive. You can drink and talk, and I'll listen and drive." He explains, opening my door for me and helping me sit down. He is either really worried about me, or more of a control freak than anyone could imagine because he actually buckles my seatbelt for me. I don't know why, but I find that sort of adorable.

He slides into the driver's seat and tell me, "I've got Disraeli Gears all cued up and ready to play."

"What?" I ask, too tired to argue as he ushers me into his car and pulls away from the Shell station, leaving my family's vehicle behind.

"And you work in a record store?" He says disapprovingly. "It's Cream's second album. Their biggest commercial success was Wheels of Fire, but it marked their total crossover into psychedelic rock, whereas Disraeli Gear is more of a blend of psychedelic rock and American blues. It's widely considered their definitive work."

"I don't get it." I say as we hit the main road. "You're barely passing 11th grade. How do you know all of this stuff about music?"

"I have no interest in photosynthesis or the Ottoman Empire or how to conjugate a verb. This, however, interests me, and when I'm interested in something, I can be quite the nerd. For instance, I can tell you every best picture winner since the inception of the Academy Awards and the average yardage of every starting player of every team in college and professional football.... And the stats for the Chicago White Sox entire current roster. Just fun facts with Fisher Barnes."

I sigh and take a lengthy drink from the long-necked beer bottle. I don't like beer and seldom drink it or anything else, but tonight just called for it.

I close my eyes and say, "You know Fisher I don't feel like talking. Can I just drink, and you drive and let's listen to the music?"

"Actually, I have a better idea."

Fisher

"If you're coming on to me, you can stop the car and let me out right here." She says haughtily, and I have to laugh.

"Coming on to you? What century is this? No Victoria Rose, you made your feelings on that subject very clear. When you're ready for something to happen in that arena... and you will be someday... the ball will be in your court." I reply with the confidence that I've always managed to have in spades.

She sighs. "I thought you were with Taylor?"

I shrug. "I've been with Taylor... there's a difference."

"That's kind of callous."

"Taylor showed up at my door wearing a string bikini and climbed into my hot tub. She knew what she was getting into." I reply, and I sound harsh and cynical even to my own ears.

"So where are we going? Not that I care." She answers, and I realize she's a lightweight. Her words are already slurring, and she's got this adorable dreamy quality in her gaze.

"It's a surprise." I say, actually afraid that she's not drunk enough yet to go willingly with me to where I'm headed.

"So, tell me more stuff that you know."

"What kind of stuff?"

"Where's your favorite place that you've ever lived?" She asks, opening another bottle and turning to look out the window as we leave Grassland behind us.

I frown, and I think hard about her question; not that it's a hard question. It's actually the question that everyone always asks me. But now I find myself wanting to give a better answer than the standard; "wherever I go, there I am so wherever I'm at is my favorite place." I find that suddenly I need to tell the truth.

"I always say that wherever I'm at is my favorite place, but that's a lie. I mean, I loved the energy of Seattle, and Northern California is like another world. When I was nine, I spent twenty-two months living in big sky country in Montana and honest to God, you feel like the sky goes on forever. A poet, Mike Logan, said that being in Montana feels 'like I'm spending every day in heaven.' I get that. And I visited my mom for a long weekend a month ago in Boston; the buildings and the history and Fenway Park... it was amazing. But the truth is that nowhere has ever been my favorite place because nowhere has ever been home."

"I feel that way." She answers, still looking out the window. "And I've only ever lived in central Florida until we moved here; but I never felt like I was home either. Not there, and not here."

"I feel at home on the football field; any football field." I admit.

"I feel at home when I'm playing bass; it doesn't really even matter what kind of music." She says with a secretive smile and then her smile fades, and she says, "I think I used to feel at home when my family was all together, but we haven't been together in so long, who knows anymore?"

"You know where else I feel at home?" I say, turning my car into the hangar on the outskirts of town between Brewster's Mill and Irving. It's just a glorified garage with a couple of crop duster planes, but as soon as I moved here I went in search of a place that would let me keep logging in flight hours and the owner here was happy to let me; in exchange for keeping the planes cleaned and, in the air, a few times a week.

"Here." I answer as we pull around to the open side of the hangar where the planes are visible. "When I'm up there I'm home because up there it's all the same... all the same air, the same clouds, the same sky; you know?"

"You can fly?" She asks in wonder.

"Since I was fourteen. I've had my pilot's license almost as long as my driver's license. So, are you brave enough to go with me?"

"You better believe it!" She says excitedly, leaping from the car.

I talk Torie through some of the pre-flight details and before long we take off with her sitting behind me in the small cockpit. She's silent as I tell her step by step what's happening; just in case she's got a little flight-fright, a play-by-play will probably put her at ease. But once we fly off the coastline and cross the bay toward Gulf Shores, we both go quiet as I take it all in.

It's more than an hour before we start the descent back to the runway. When we taxi into the hangar, I know I feel the peace and clarity I always find when I fly, but Torie is silent. We get out of the plane, and she waits for me by the car, while I get everything shut down and put back in place.

When we're back in the car she says, "That might be the most fun I've ever had when I wasn't playing bass."

"It's pretty great." I answer truthfully.

"Unfortunately, it cleared my head and the whole purpose of this trip was for me to get drunk. Will you make sure my car gets home from the gas station?" She asks, popping open another bottle.

"Sure." I answer, watching her turn back toward the window as Outside Woman's Blues begins to play.

We get back to the Shell station and she's practically asleep. I carefully go into her purse and find her keys. Then I guide her from my car to hers and I drive her home; thankful that I'm part stalker so I know where she lives. I pull into the driveway at just before midnight and I can see that several lights are still on.

"Okay Victoria Rose, I got you home in one piece, but how are you going to get in the house?" I ask, and she looks up, her eyes clearer than they were just a bit ago. There are still three beers back in my car.

She reaches for her keys and says, "If I go in the back door, I can make it to my room without seeing anyone. Will you walk me there? I'm feeling a little wobbly."

I nod and walk her to the house. It feels like the part of the evening where a goodbye kiss would be in order except that A) we're not dating and B) I'm not the kiss goodnight kind of guy. I'm contemplating this when she hugs me impulsively and says, "Thanks Fisher. I had the best time tonight."

Then she disappears in the house and I start walking. I pull out my phone and dial. Max answers on the second ring and I tell him, "I'm stranded on Shell Bank Road. I'm walking east. Can you come get me?"

I tell Max an elaborate lie to explain how I wound up here without my car. Fortunately, Carson isn't with him because he'd never buy this story, but Max is incapable of lying so he takes his friends at face value. It makes me feel sort of crappy, but I remind myself that I'm protecting Torie. I make up my mind though that going forward I'm going to make it a point to always be honest with Max. He deserves it.

I can't stop worrying about Torie and what had her so upset. By the next afternoon, I've worked myself into a pretty good state of panic, which is so unlike me. I finally give in and drive to her house, a one-story brick ranch style with shutters and trim in need of painting. It's not nearly as nice a house as I'd expect considering her dad is seemingly a very successful cardiologist. I knock and after a few minutes a woman who looks not unlike an older version of Torie answers the door.

"Hello, is Torie home?"

She wrinkles her brow and shakes her head and I remember Torie indicating that her mother spoke very little English. I think back to my last school where I took two semesters of Spanish and say, "Torie es casa?"

"No, no. Torie fue a Mexico." She answers.

"Torie did what with Mexico?" I say shaking my head and spreading my hands.

"No aqui." She says and when I still look confused, she says, "No presente. Fue a Mexico."

"Torie went to Mexico?" I say, certain I misunderstood but she's nodding, and I know Torie says she understands more than she can say. "For how long... I mean, cuando casa?"

"Torie es casa Agosto."

My heart sinks when she answers and I'm pretty certain I understood Agosto, but just in case I didn't she nods and adds, "August."

Carson

July 2008

"So, this car is like... a present?" Fisher says, studying the 1999 Honda Accord critically.

"Not everyone's dad is an independent computer systems technical analyst and programmer." I say sarcastically, and he gives me a rueful smile. "This is a car of my own and I didn't even pay for it."

"I'm proud of you dude." Max says, clapping me on the back. "A few months ago, you practically bit off Avery's hand for offering you the last cheeseburger in the bag..."

"That would literally be 'biting the hand that feeds you'." Fisher chimes in.

"I'm just saying, I'm glad you let your mom and Avery buy you the car. You've worked really hard to help your mom keep the family afloat for a lot of years and now that she's got a good guy like Avery, you deserve some good things to come your way." Max says, only slightly embarrassed. Max is good at saying what he's feeling. I envy him for that.

"Come on Max. We gotta go if we're gonna pick up Kelsey and Brooke on time." Fisher says.

I look at them critically and say, "Last time I checked you were with Lanie and you were with Nora?"

Fisher shrugs, and Max grins and says, "It never hurts to have options."

"Wouldn't hurt you to get in the game QB." Fisher suggests, and I know he's right. I've dated a couple of girls this summer, but I don't know. It always seems like I want the girls who don't want me and the ones who want me, hold no interest.

"Carson!" My mom screams from the back steps and we all stop. Mom isn't an alarmist, but there's no way for her to scream like that without raising a level of fear.

"Carson." She repeats holding up the phone. "I just hung up the phone with a recruiter from Florida State. He wants to meet with us and talk about what your plans are."

Max, Fisher and mom all start hugging and high fiving and congratulating me, but I'm standing in the middle of them all... feeling sort of removed from the whole thing.

Finally, the guys leave, and I'm left alone with mom. She's talking excitedly about how this is just the first of many calls and how I'm going to be turning down offers. After a few minutes I snap and say, "I didn't want this."

"What do you mean you didn't want this?" Mom says incredulously.

"I didn't want this. This wasn't the plan. I was going to maybe play football at a division II school like UAB or Samford and go into engineering. That was always the plan."

"But Carson this is Division I. And if Florida State is calling on July 2nd then you can bet, they won't be the last school we hear from." Mom argues, and I know she's right. But I also know that I've worked really hard in school. I have a 3.98 GPA and I scored a 32 on the math portion of my ACT.

I take a deep breath and try to explain something I've always known, but never really felt the need to dwell on. "All my life I've seen these guys who hung all their hopes on football; that was all they had going for them. I mean, when I went in for Caleb Sanders as a Freshman it was because he was injured and his whole life was turned upside down. And he was one of the lucky ones because he was smart and had good grades. But I promised myself back then that I'd never be that guy. I'd never let football be my future."

Mom reaches for my hand and says firmly, "Okay listen to me. If you don't want this, if you're finished with football after this year then that's fine. I get it. But do you have any idea how good you are? Avery and Max and Hayden say all the time that you have no idea; that you've only scratched the surface of how good you can be. I for one would love to see you find out just what you can do."

I shake my head and say, "I never wanted to be another stereotype."

"What stereotype? Carson, you're a talented football player with an almost 4.0 GPA. You will never be one of those guys who has nothing going for them except football. You'll get a degree and you'll always have something to fall back on, but there is nothing wrong with you seeing where football will take you. I for one would not mind seeing you do what you're so good at doing just a little while longer before you settle down and get an adult career. What do you think?"

I sigh and say, "I think this is all uncharted territory for me. I never expected to be here; to have to make these choices."

"Well I'm not telling you what to do. I'm just telling you that in my opinion, you have a great gift and you shouldn't give up on it till you see what's out there for you."

I smile and hug mom and say, "You're right. It never hurts to have options."

Torie

August 2008

I can't believe it's true, but I'm actually happy to be back in Grassland; away from Mexico; away from my Aunt Rena who spends twenty-four hours a day practicing her armchair psychiatry on me and my sisters. I'm also happy to be away from the girls. I adore all of them and we're close, but when we're away from mama and daddy I have to be responsible and it's so exhausting.

I guess that's why I'm so happy to be here at a party on the water with everyone from school and no one with any expectations of me. It's just starting to get dark, but the air is still thick with summer heat. I'm wearing a strappy red sundress and tall wedge sandals, and I'm tanned all over from spending the summer around a rooftop-pool in Mexico City. Tonight, I just want to look sexy and flirt and maybe get a tiny bit drunk and be irresponsible for a few hours.

Speaking of drinking and being irresponsible... I see Fisher across the way drinking from two bottles at once. His reputation as a first-rate party-animal is already legendary, but I know another side of Fisher. The one who not only got me home safely when I was drunk but took me flying to clear my head before I embarked on my dreaded trip to Mexico. And how did I pay him back? By leaving without saying goodbye.

I cross the lawn and call out to him. He turns with a smile on his face that changes not in the slightest when he sees me. I watch as he walks toward me smiling, but it's not the same smile that I remember from the night in the plane. It's a cold smile; the smile of a stranger.

"Hey, I just wanted to catch up to you and thank you for that night. You were great, and I feel awful; I didn't even say goodbye." I explain.

"Yeah, I heard somewhere that you went to... Mexico, was it? How long were you there?" He asks coolly, opening the second bottle he was carrying.

"I just got back yesterday. I've been gone all summer. My sisters and I stayed with my Aunt and Uncle and three cousins; all boys under ten."

"Well looks like you worked on your tan, so it couldn't have been all bad."

"Yeah... I was actually a little... I guess you'd call it homesick. I was definitely ready to be back in Grassland." I tell him, but he just looks at me with bored indifference. I decide to try once again; searching for some resemblance to the guy who took me flying that night. "So... did you come with anyone tonight?"

He shrugs. "No, but I plan on leaving with someone."

"Oh really." I say disapprovingly. "Anyone in particular, or does it matter?"

"It matters, but not that it's someone specific; just that it's someone I want to leave with." He answers.

"So, things with Taylor Marsh have cooled down?" I probe, not sure why I'm bothering other than that I hope if I keep him here, he'll give some indication that the guy I've thought about all summer actually exists.

He shrugs disinterestedly and says, "I wouldn't say that necessarily. I'm just saying that who I leave with tonight doesn't have anything to do with what is or isn't happening with Taylor or anyone else."

"And these girls understand that whatever they might share with you for one night isn't going to mean anything by the next morning?" I ask, trying to either break down his wall or throw up some of my own.

"If they don't, they should. I've never lived anywhere even two years. I'm not the kind of guy you want to count on." He says coldly.

I nod because I know all too well about putting my trust in someone who can't be counted on.

"Well, I guess it's a good thing you're not my type." I say bitterly and then look around till my eyes land on the hottest two guys in school... present company excluded. "So, what's the latest with Max and the little mermaid?"

He crosses his arms and studies them for a long while before finally saying. "He's trying to pretend he's over her, but he isn't. It doesn't matter how many girls he's hooked up with this summer; all she'd have to do is wink and he'd be back with his tongue hanging out... the weird thing is, she looks at him the same way."

I'm quiet for a minute but then ask. "And the quarterback?"

He looks at me long and hard. Is there something he's not saying; something he's afraid to say to me? Or am I like all those other girls? Am I only seeing what I want to see? Finally, he gestures toward Carson Jennings and steps aside dramatically before letting me know exactly how easy it is for him to walk away from me. "He's all yours."

Fisher

I get another beer and wish I had the hope of getting drunk. Then I decide to head down to the water and hang out with the two guys at this party that Torie might really be interested in. Perhaps if I stick to them, I can keep her away from them. I walk up and find them in the middle of a conversation.

"Who has purple hair?" I ask nonchalantly like I don't know exactly who they're talking about. There could be more than one girl here with purple hair, right?

"QB here's making a move on Torie Reyes." Max tells me.

"No way. She's not your type." I say, punching him in the arm. I want to punch him in the face for talking about making a move on Torie. Forget that I never had a shot with her in the first place. Forget that a few months ago I was pushing him to go after her and a few moments ago I effectively gave her to him. That was before the night I took her flying; before I found out how it feels to go to bed thinking you've found something that matters and waking up to find out that you don't matter to her.

"Why not?"

"She's not white..." I begin.

"What the hell?" Carson says irritably.

"Hey, I've lived all over the world." I bite angrily. "I don't understand southern racism. I just call it like I see it, and you only date white girls; very white girls. She's also a bass player in a metal band and you only listen to country, and I hear she has tattoo."

"Where?" Carson asks with his tongue hanging out. Even saint Max seems to perk up at the mention of a hot girl with ink.

I look away and see her down by the water talking to some girls from school. She's laughing and animated and clearly has no idea that she's crushed me. "From a girl in her gym class."

"I mean where on her body?" Carson asks, rolling his eyes and looking at me like I'm an idiot.

"Oh. Her hip." I answer grudgingly.

"Okay..." He says, taking a big swig and handing me his bottle. "I'm going in."

We watch him lope off toward her and she's all bright and smiley and I want to kill Carson with my bare hands.

"She's not his type." Max argues when he's gone.

"Well looks like he's her type. They're going to the beach." I say, wishing I could turn away but it's like a train wreck. I have no choice but to watch sickly as she takes his hand and leads him off to do God knows what. I shake my head and determine to get this out of my mind. I finish my beer and then start on Carson's. "Having a type is too restrictive when there's so many options available. That's why I make it a point not to have a type."

"And yet here you are with me?" Max teases, but he's clearly trying to put on a brave face.

"I'm with you because QB is off hitting on the hot Latino girl and that makes it my job to keep you off a ledge, dude." I say angrily, and I wonder if maybe I' m starting to get a little drunk. My dad always tells me that he maintains a strict two drink limit because he's a mean drunk, and he always ends up saying something that gets him in trouble. Maybe I'm suffering from the same problem, but I can't seem to help myself.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asks, turning to look at me with angry eyes.

I've never backed down from a fight even when the guy is twice my size; like Max. But I'm angry and maybe I'm looking for a good excuse to mix it up with someone. I'm angry at Torie for not knowing that she hurt me, and angry at Carson for being with her, and I'm angry at Max because the girl he wants is right there waiting for him to make a move. All he has to do is go for it. But mostly I'm angry at myself for going against everything I know. How many girls have I been out with and then disappeared from their lives? I've always told myself that they knew what they were getting with me, but maybe I was wrong.

All I know is that I'm hurting, and I want to hurt my friend too, so I turn to him with venom in my words and say, "It means that whatever happened or didn't happen between you and whoever you were or weren't with has sent you into a near catatonic state. I've not known you nearly as long as Carson has, but I know you've changed dramatically in the short amount of time that I've been here. If you weren't 'Reverend Clean Marine' I'd think it was drugs, but since it probably isn't, then that indicates that it's obviously a woman. Now I know you guys are the whole brothers-by-another-mother kind of thing, but I just got here so if you want to throw away your life over some girl that's your business. But since I've been dumped and left for dead in this back-water town in Alabama I'd at least like to get to play on a state championship football team so here's what you're going to do. You're going to get drunk, or get laid, or get married or whatever the hell it takes to get you out of this funk and get your ass back in game shape, so we can go get a ring."

He looks at me sulkily and for a minute I expect him to lay me out; I wish he would. But then he shrugs and says, "You sure pack a mean punch when you finally open your mouth."

I look at Max, my first friend when I got here and one of the nicest guys I've ever met, and I immediately feel like a dick. I put my arm around him.

"Come on. Let's make it happen. What about you? Who's your type?" I ask as if I don't know.

His eyes immediately land on Belle Carpenter and whatever progress he's made over the summer flies out the window. He shakes his head and says, "Screw it. I'm turning in my keys."

I watch him stalk toward the key holder, so he can get a drink and I sigh. This is ridiculous. Torie and Carson are hitting it off and even if they're not, whatever spark I thought I felt that night was obviously one-sided. And God forbid it be two-sided because I have no business with her. She deserves someone who will be there; someone she can count on. But one thing that you can always count on from me is that I know how to have a good time. I turn around and lock eyes with Piper Matthews, a curvaceous black majorette with long straight hair and longer shapely legs. Lucky for me, I don't have a type.

Torie

Why do I have a hangover? I didn't even drink last night. Of course, I did spend the better part of the night making out with Carson Jennings, and he'd had about a beer and a half. And as it turned out, the goody good QB is a really good kisser, and there's more to him than just football. I guess it isn't too farfetched to think I got a little buzz from making out with him; him and the traces of alcohol on his lips. If only I hadn't been thinking about Fisher most of the night.

I plod down the hall to breakfast, passed the bathroom where Alyssa is flat ironing her hair. "It's 10:15 on a Saturday morning. Why is straight hair an issue right now?"

"I have a lunch date with Stephen Baker. We're going with some other couples. His mom is picking me up at 11:30."

I nod and continue down the hall. It makes me feel old that my little sister is getting ready for a date... even if it is a day date and a group date. I make my way into the kitchen where everything is so much louder than the rest of the house. Marin and Ivy are making frozen waffles in the toaster and Camille is sitting at the bar texting. Mama is fixing scrambled eggs with fajita steak strips and peppers; my favorite.

"She's awake." Mama says, turning to kiss me on the cheek. "You were out late last night."

"I was in before curfew." I tell her truthfully.

"I know. But I barely even got to see you last night or hear about your summer. Rena can't stop talking about how smart and creative and wonderful you are."

I smile and feel guilty because I was so miserable all summer and most of the smart, creative, wonderful things I said to Aunt Rena were sarcastic comebacks designed to shut her down, so I could crank up Duke Ellington and Ella Fitzgerald and think about Fisher in peace.

"She and Uncle Pete were great as always. I will send her a thank you card before school starts back. So, did you and dad get to spend any time with Alex this summer?"

Her eyes darken a little and she nods. "Yes. I went and stayed with him for a month. Your dad came over on weekends. He was good, but... I'm still not comfortable letting you see him alone. The situation is still too unpredictable."

"Fine, then go with me. I miss him." I plead tearfully.

"Okay. This weekend we will go over on Saturday and spend the day with him. How does that sound?" She concedes.

I nod happily and reach for a plate of eggs.

"Okay, now I'm laying down the law. I know you've missed your friends, but I'm fixing dinner tonight and I want a nice family dinner around the table with all of us." Mama states firmly.

I nod again, but I wish it really was going to be all of us. I think that the hardest thing is that Alex hasn't been the Alex that I knew in so long that Marin and Ivy barely even care about him, and Camille and Alyssa only remember the bad things; the outburst and the family events that were postponed or canceled all together because Alex couldn't handle it.

"I'll be here for dinner." I promise.

"Good. And I can't wait to meet your young man." Mama says with a sly smile.

"What young man?" I ask, wondering if Carson gave me a hickey or something without me realizing it; something that would be evident to my mother. He really was a good kisser.

"Oh, what did he say his name was? I'm not sure he ever did, but he was here the day you left for Mexico; most disappointed that you were gone. I gave him your address. I assumed he would write to you."

I shake my head feeling sick. "He didn't. What did he look like?"

"Very cute." She says with a smile. "Sort of crazy, messy hair and the most gorgeous dark blue eyes. And his body..."

"Mama." I gasp.

She laughs boisterously. "Hey, all I'm saying is you know what your Aunt Juana would say about the benefits of dating a short guy with plenty of confidence and he looked like he had confidence to burn." She finishes with a wink.

"Can I borrow the car. I need to run an errand." I say, leaving my plate behind with half my eggs still on it.

"Be careful and keep both feet on the floor young lady." Mama yells after me.

I dress quickly in a skinny-strapped black tank top and jeans, paired with my flat Converse shoes; not that I think Fisher would have any problems with me in heels even though it would make me a couple of inches taller than him. I just don't want to look like I'm trying too hard. I take off in search of him, not sure where to even start. I could probably find out where he lives and show up at his door. He did it to me after all. But I'm not quite that confident. Instead I decide to go in another direction.

I pull into the health food store and take a deep breath before I seek out Max Cooper. He's not hard to spot since he's taller than most every other guy in the place.

"Hey Torie Reyes. Are you planning to get in shape?" He says, holding up a jar of protein powder.

"I don't look in shape to you?" I tease, always more overtly flirty than I mean to be. His blush is most adorable. Belle Carpenter is one lucky girl.

"You left Maci's party with my best friend last night so I'm going to plead the fifth on that question."

"And you left with Belle Carpenter... and today you're happier than I've seen you since I met you so I'm assuming it went well."

He grins and says, "We're just friends. But you and Carson; how'd that work out?"

"I'm pleading the fifth." I repeat, feeling slightly guilty because of why I'm here.

He nods. "Okay, well I don't want to make this weird, but I have to say that Carson Jennings is my best friend since before time and maybe that makes me a little prejudiced, but he's one of the best guys in the world. You'd be lucky to be with him."

I smile and nod. He's right. Carson is a great guy and we had a really good time last night.

"We had a great time, but actually, I came by to ask if you had any idea where I could find Fisher... I mean, I just need to ask him about some music that he told me about." I explain lamely, and I can tell by his face that Max is neither fooled by my performance nor pleased with my obvious interest in his other friend.

"I don't know." He answers reluctantly. "I know he left the party with Piper Matthews last night."

"So, you think I should start there?" I ask, unconvinced.

He shrugs. "Fisher's a good guy and a good friend but knowing him, I'd say Piper Matthews is the last place you should look. If he was with her last night, it's not likely he's still with her this morning."

"Got it." I say guiltily turning to go. Last night Fisher looked at me like I was a stranger. Maybe the only reason he came looking for me the day after he took me flying was because he didn't close the deal the night before. If anything had happened, would I have been one of those girls whose life he disappears from the day after?

"So, if I see Fisher, should I tell him you're looking for him?" Max yells after me.

I think about how much fun we had the night he took me flying. Maybe Max is right and maybe he is a good guy and a good friend. He didn't make a move on me that night, and last night, he was more or less telling me all the reasons I didn't need to be with him. And no one knows better than me what it's like to put your life on hold for someone you can't depend on... and Carson is about the sweetest guy I think I've ever met and from what I understand he's the most responsible seventeen-year-old on planet earth.

I look at Max and shake my head. "No, it's nothing. But if you talk to Carson, make sure he knows that I had an amazing time last night, and I'd love to do it again. He should call me."

Fisher

One thing all my schools have had in common is football. I've played football in the Midwest, the Pacific northwest, the east coast and big sky country. From the time I was old enough to strap on pads at the peewee leagues, I've played football. But I've never played football in the south. I've never played for a team who did as many two-a-days as Grassland and I've never played for a Coach like Reynolds who requires coats and tires on game days and maintaining the standards of the moral clause any time you're in your jersey. I guess the truth is I've never played for a team with any of the traditions that the Gators have. On the other hand, the Gator Babes are a sweet little institution and the high expectations to get to the State championships turns out to be way more than just hype. This place is legit.

And as much as I might hate to admit it, no one is more legit than Carson Jennings. High school stars usually come with a lot of excessive hype, but if anything, I think Carson's hype is underwhelming. He's got an arm that never misses and eyes in the back of his head. In real life, he might tend to be cautious, but out there he's a warrior who never backs down and never admits defeat.

We're walking out of the field house after the second practice of our day. It was another killer, but that's what it takes to become a state champion; or so they tell me. All I know is I'm working harder than I've ever worked in my life. And nothing you can do will ever prepare you for the heat of August on the Alabama Gulf Coast.

I head across the parking lot and there's Torie leaning against Carson's car. I haven't seen or talked to her since the night of the party at Maci's and I can admit to myself that I was nursing a bruised ego and took it out on her. But I like Torie and I like Carson. I don't want things to be weird between us. Besides, I've always operated under the belief that girls were a dime a dozen, but real friends were a rarity; a rarity that didn't come along often when you live the way I do. There's just never been a girl that I thought could be both, but maybe Torie is that girl.

"Hey QB girlfriend." I greet her determining to put an end to anything weird before it goes too far.

"The name is Torie, and we've only been going out a week." She says with a smile and a blush that belies her words.

I might not have ever stuck around long enough to inspire that look in anyone, but I've spent enough time watching rom coms in my quest to round the bases that I surely recognize the look of smitten. She has it and I admit reluctantly that she wears it well.

"Well for what it's worth, Carson is a good guy... and you deserve the best." I say truthfully.

"Thanks." She answers and then looks behind me expectantly.

"Oh. He's with Coach in a captains' meeting. He and Max both. It'll be a minute before they get out."

She nods, and a couple of guys pass us by and congratulate me. When they're gone, she says, "So what's that about?"

I shake my head. "Today was the first day back in the weight room with the whole team and I might have shot off my mouth a little and bet that I could out bench anyone of them."

She grins. I remember the way she looked when she was getting in the plane, and I shake myself internally. This friend thing isn't going to be easy if she keeps looking at me like that.

"Why do I have a feeling that you won that bet?" She teases.

I just smile, and she says, "Did you win anything interesting?"

"The thrill of victory." I say honestly.

She nods and says, "I wanted to tell you that I listened to a lot of Duke Ellington and Ella Fitzgerald over the summer. 'I ran around with my own little crowd. The usual laughs, not often, but loud. And in the world that I knew I didn't know about you.' It's good stuff."

"Yes, and I must concede there's more to Deep Purple than Smoke on the Water." I admit grudgingly.

"Now who said that?" She says, tapping her temple as if trying to recall. "I think that might have been me."

"Whatever. So, when do I get to see you up on stage?"

"Well we lost some practice time when I was gone, but we're getting back to it and hope to book a gig soon." She answers, and I love the way her eyes light up just thinking about it.

"Make sure I know about it, and I'll be there front and center QB girlfriend." I assure her.

"It's Torie."

I nod because I know that she doesn't realize how hard this is for me. Then I smile ruefully and quote from her favorite Deep Purple album. "'And if you hear me talking on the wind. You've got to understand. We must remain Perfect Strangers.' I'll see you around... QB girlfriend."

As I walk away, I hear her yell after me. "It's TORIE!"

I throw up my hand to wave as I go and say to myself. "I know exactly who you are... and who you're with. For both our sakes it's best if I don't let myself forget that, Victoria Rose."

Carson

"Listen all I'm saying is that you've got a great arm, great presence and great speed, plus you've also got the academics to back it up and that makes for a great future; and we believe that future is going to happen in Houston." The recruiter from Rice University states confidently.

I smile and shake his hands, and so do mom and Avery, thanking him for coming by.

"It's our pleasure to meet you Carson. We look forward to hearing from you. All it'll take is the verbal to get all of this underway."

"Yes sir." I agree. "Just let me talk this over with my family, and we'll be in touch."

When he's gone, mom hugs me tightly. "I'm so proud of you! Rice University Carson, that is a serious academic university and Division I! Did you ever think this would happen?"

"No." I answer truthfully. "I really didn't. I still can't wrap my mind around it; Rice, TCU, Northwestern. I just never thought we'd be here."

"Well you're here." Avery says realistically. "So just for fun, if you had to choose right now, who'd it be?"

I shake my head. "I don't know. I mean seriously I couldn't choose now if I had to."

"Well the mama in me is not pulling for Northwestern... too far from home and too cold for my baby boy." Mom stats vehemently.

"Coach has pretty much said you'll never see a snap at TCU for at least two or three seasons." Max reasons, joining us from the basement where I'm certain he was listening in.

"But Carson's first priority is academics..." Mom counters.

"But if that were the case then why is Division I or II or FBS or FCS even an issue? Why not just opt for one of the many more academic, less football centered universities who would jump at the chance to have a QB of Carson's caliber... and he'd be closer to home and not face nearly the pressure." Avery counters.

"Okay stop!" I say holding up my hands. "I love you guys and I appreciate this, but I need some time alone with this. I mean, despite what they're all saying about giving a verbal I have some time. I don't have to decide today."

They all agree with me, but then immediately launch into their various arguments as I slip out and drive to Torie's. We've only been dating a couple of weeks, but I already know that she's really smart and despite what people say about her hating football, she's actually got quite the head for it.

I arrive at her house and her mom answers. I know she speaks little to no English, but before I can butcher her native language, she yells over her shoulder for Torie. Torie joins us immediately and smiles brightly when she recognizes me.

"Mama, esto es Carson Jennings." She says, gesturing to me and her mother smiles and nods reaching for my hand.

"It's nice to meet you." I say nervously and Torie turns to translate for me. Then her mother replies in rapid Spanish before stepping back to allow me into the room.

"She says it's nice to meet you too and welcome to our home."

I smile and nod, and she walks away leaving us alone.

"Well that might be one of the more stressful meet-the-parents-moments of my life." I say nervously, all though I've seldom ever met the parents with anyone I've dated.

"Non-sense." She argues. "My parents are easy. Just say anything and I'll translate and tell them what they want to hear. Just always speak really fast so there's no way they'll understand it."

I follow her into the den, and we sit down, and I quickly recap my meeting with the college recruiter and everything that's been happening these last few weeks since they were legally allowed to contact me. "I knew this kind of thing happened... I just never thought it would happen to me."

"But Carson you're good. I mean, according to everyone you're really good!" She argues. Hadn't you been getting those... letters of interest?"

"Well, yeah but lots of people get those." I say which is quite an overstatement, but still... all those letters didn't prepare me for this. "How do you know about that anyway?"

She shrugs. "I don't know. I just hear this stuff."

"The first day I met you, when you walked passed me into the hall you muttered something under your breath. 'Football', in a less than positive tone, right?"

She nods guiltily. "I just hate how obsessed people are with sports; that's all."

"I know. Sometimes I hate it too."

"I get that about you. I mean, even though you do it, and it's a huge part of your life, it's not who you are. And it should be a huge part of your life because you're great at it. I mean... judging by the way you look when I spy on you at practice." She says and for the first time today I feel good about the fact that I have scholarship offers on the table. Maybe I really do deserve this.

"I just never thought about this as a part of my future and now that I'm facing it, I don't know what I want to do with it."

"Do whatever you want to do with it. You're a star Carson. Embrace it. If that means scholarships and interviews with sports news, then go for it. In life, how many times do you really get to feel what it's like to be a star?"

"What about you; why don't you pursue your music? You love it and you're good at it." I tell her though truthfully; I've only heard her band a few times and I think they're ridiculous. But she's gorgeous so it makes it worthwhile to me.

"No, I'm not!" She says and then laughs at my stricken face. "It's okay. I mean, I'm not a joke or anything. But it's the same way Max and Fisher feel about football. I'm going to do it, and enjoy it for as long as I can, but I'm not hanging my hopes on it. You, on the other hand, can hang your hopes on football because you've got the talent to back it up."

"I just don't know what my endgame is supposed to be. I never thought about college like that. Why should I go and pour myself into this for four or more years so that at the end of it, I can be a former football player?"

"Why do you play football now?" She asks saucily before squinting at me and pointing her finger. "Are you getting a check on the side that I don't know about because if you are, I'm not sneaking 20-ounce Cokes in my purse the next time we go to the movies; you can buy me an $8 fountain drink."

I laugh because she has a way of cutting through the crap with me. "I play because I love it. I play because I feel like it brings out a part of my personality that would otherwise get neglected."

"What part is that?" She asks softly, taking my hand.

"The warrior; the part of me that isn't afraid to go after what I want... whether it's the hot girl with the tattoo on her hip or... the dream I've never let anyone know about." I answer truthfully.

She smiles and says, "Tell me; tell me about that dream."

I'm silent for a long time but I finally whisper, afraid to even say it out loud. "I think I might want to be a football superstar."

She nods and then wrinkles her nose. "Okay, I need a little bit more to go on here. I mean isn't that the dream of everyone who plays the game?"

I shake my head. "It hasn't been my dream since I was a kid; at least not one I would acknowledge."

"But my question is why? You're so good. You played varsity and won state when you were a freshman."

I think on it for a minute and then say. "I don't know. I mean... maybe I'm trying to be my own person, that's all."

"Okay." She agrees. "I can actually appreciate that. I'm a big believer in not caving into societies expectations. Be your own person whether it's conventional or not."

"Yeah, but suddenly I feel like a stereotype... the black athlete. I always wanted to be the smart guy too."

"Okay, first of all, you are the smart guy, and second, stereotypes exist for a reason. You go to Mexico you're going to meet a hundred people and ninety-nine of them can cook tacos and salsa dance." She states with confidence.

I chuckle. "So, are you telling me it's okay to be the stereotypical black athlete?"

"No. I'm telling you that you are a terrific athlete of mixed race. Don't resist that just to spite yourself."

Torie

October 2008

"Hey QB girl. The Arm is talking to a reporter in the field house. He'll be out soon." Fisher tells me as he greets me after practice one afternoon. Carson and I have been dating a month and I really like him. Sometimes I think I might be able to call him my first love someday. But that doesn't stop me wondering what would have happened with Fisher if things had been different.

"Oh, okay." I answer. "I just stopped by to tell him my exciting news."

I wait a half second and he says, "Okay don't leave me hanging. What's your exciting news?"

"We have a gig tonight." I say, clapping excitedly.

"No way. Where?"

"At Spin. They had a cancelation, so I volunteered us. It's only because we could jump in last minute... and they haven't actually heard us, but still. I'm so excited. I just wanted to tell Carson not to make plans, and then I've got to go home and decide what to wear."

"That is amazing." He says, and he asks about the time and assures me he'll be there. I don't doubt for a second that he will be.

"So, tell me what you're going to wear?" He asks, leaning against the car like he's prepared to wait with me for Carson. I guiltily admit that I'm looking forward to the company.

I tell him what I'm thinking and then he gives me some suggestions. I don't want to look like a cliché all in too-edgy black and I don't want to look like amateur night, all dressed up either. He has some good ideas, and by the time Carson arrives, I'm feeling pretty good about things.

Carson greets me with a kiss and then excitedly starts telling Fisher and me that he's driving to Pensacola right away to do a taped segment for the 10 o'clock news. I can see out of the corner of my eye that Fisher is watching me to see if I'm going to tell him about my gig. I know I should. But if I do, and then he tells me he's going to do his news show anyway, it'll hurt my feelings... even though I know it shouldn't. So, I let it go and wait nervously for Fisher to say something instead, but he gives me a disapproving look and then leaves.

Carson and I sit in the front seat of his car and he kisses me again. He's clearly so excited about this. I just can't bring myself to tell him about my gig because it would make him feel guilty to have to miss it and take away from the fun of doing the show... or he wouldn't feel guilty and then that would disappoint me.

"So, what were you doing here anyway?" He finally asks.

I shake my head. "I just wanted to see you."

He grins and leans in to kiss me again. Normally making out with Carson tops the list of great ways to pass an afternoon, but right now I'm upset and it's just not doing the trick. Luckily Carson is excited enough that he doesn't seem to notice. When at last he comes up for air he asks, "So what were you and Fisher talking about?"

"Oh... just clothes." I answer lamely and then wish I'd said anything else. Why would your girlfriend be talking to another guy about clothes? But Carson snickers like that means something... something that doesn't inspire jealously so I ask. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He shrugs. "Well... you know there are rumors that Fisher is... a little light in the loafers."

"What?" I ask, feeling a little stunned.

"A lot of the guys think Fisher's gay. I mean... the music he likes. His hair is like... fixed; the way he dresses and the way he quotes movies all the time. And yeah, he gets with a lot of girls, but do you ever see any of them with him more than once?"

"Occasionally." I say, but I can't help but let this creep in a little. It would certainly explain why he never made a move with me.

"Who knows?" Carson teases. "It's probably just a rumor... but the only girl he's dated more than once is Taylor and she's been around enough, times she could probably..."

He stops and clears his throat. "My mother would kill me for talking about this in front of you."

I grin and kiss his cheek. "You were raised well. I better go. Good luck on your show tonight."

"10 o'clock... channel 10 news. I'll send you a wink okay."

"I can't wait." I say with a smile. He's doesn't know he's missing my first gig. I guess there's no reason he needs to know that I'm missing his television show too.

Fisher

I came straight from practice to Carson's house. Avery let me in, and we talked a little about the team... and about the recent discord between Carson and Max. After a few minutes, he tells me to make myself at home in the basement, and I go to wait for Carson; thinking surely, he'd have to come by here on his way to the news station. After a few minutes, he arrives and greets me curiously.

"Dude, you can't do this news show tonight." I say bluntly.

"What do you mean? This is the coolest thing ever. I mean how many times in life do you think I'm going to get interviewed on a television news show?"

"If you make it to Division I probably more than once. But tonight, is Torie's band's first gig. She came by to tell you about it, but when you told her you were going to be on the news, she didn't say anything. I guess she didn't want to make you choose."

Carson's face falls. "I can't believe this. I don't want to miss Torie's gig, but they're expecting me. It's not just about me; it's good for the team."

"Well you can't do it." I say irritably. "She's counting on you. She's so excited about this. I mean... face it. You get to be the star every week at every game. And in all likelihood, you're going to go on to college and keep being a star for years to come. Torie knows this is just something fun for now. This might be the last chance she gets to be a star... and it'll definitely be the last chance you have to be with her the first time she gets to be a star. Do you really want to miss that?"

"No... of course not." Carson says dejectedly, and I feel guilty because I wanted so much for him to blow her off, so I could confirm that he's not as good a guy as we all think he is. But, of course, he is and now he's conflicted and feels like crap, and I'm the one to blame.

"What am I supposed to do?" He asks, his frown showing his concern. "I want to go to Torie's show, but I don't know how to get out of the interview."

I think about it for a minute and finally say, "I'll do the interview for you."

"What? How? I mean... I don't want to sound conceited, but I'm the one they want to talk to." He argues.

"I'll show up and tell them either they talk to me or they don't have a guest. I'm very charming and good on my feet. I'm having a great season and don't worry; I'll talk you up the whole time. I mean... this is the end of the line for me and football. I might as well tell the world how much they need to be looking at Carson Jennings."

"You'd really do that?" Carson asks skeptically.

"Sure." I answer; trying not to picture how excited Torie was when she told me about her show; and trying not to think about how much I wanted to see it. "On one condition. I'm not the one who told you about the gig."

"Why?" He asks, his face still marred with obvious distrust. Carson is normally impossible to read so the fact that I know exactly what he's thinking now means either he's very upset, or he wants me to know that he doesn't trust me. If I had to guess, I'd say it was some of both.

"Because I sat right beside her when she didn't tell you about it. She didn't tell you because she didn't want you to have to make the choice, but she was so excited about it. She came just to tell you." I answer truthfully... and the fact that I know it to be true is the worst part of all.

"I don't know what to say man." Carson says slowly. "I owe you one."

I shake my head. "It's nothing. Just go have fun with your girlfriend."

Carson

I have to make a decision about college. It's down to Rice or TCU, but if I'm being honest, it's really down to Rice and applying for an academic scholarship to The University of Alabama at Huntsville. And yet as we roll toward the end of an undefeated season and another trip to the playoffs... neither of those options are really where I want to go.

I walk into my basement on a Saturday afternoon after work and find Belle stretched out on the couch flipping through the channels. She sits up quickly when I enter and begins explaining.

"I'm so sorry! I had a cheerleader meeting, so I just came over here to wait for Max to get off work. Your mom let me in." She explains. "I can go upstairs though."

"You're fine." I say dismissively. Max and I are barely on speaking terms most of the time now and a lot of that is because of Belle. Sometimes I think it's because he thinks I'm mean to her and sometimes I think it's because he thinks we were too close. I guess the reality is that it's somewhere in the middle.

I sit on the other end of the couch and she hands me the remote control. "Thanks."

"Of course." She says. "You know I really enjoyed Torie's concert. I mean... it's not my kind of music, but she looked great and everyone seemed to have a good time."

I agree with her that yes it was a good show. I don't tell her that I hated the music or that inside I was a little resentful the whole time that I was there, and Fisher was on TV. But true to his word, he talked me up the whole time and Torie was most grateful that I "found out" about the gig and surprised her.

"Carson... are things ever going to be okay with you and Max again? I hate this so much that you're fighting." She says and then adds. "And I hate to say that because it makes me sound like an annoying soap opera girl who says, 'oh I never meant to come between two best friends.' Ick."

"Don't they say that when it's a love triangle and both guys are in love with her?" I ask, and she give me a sneer that brings a laugh from me.

"Well we both know you don't love me so..."

"Well I don't hate you either." I argue. "And I don't blame you for Max. I should have told him everything months ago. I say I was keeping it from him to protect him, but the truth is I was protecting me because I didn't want my best friend to be mad at me. So, it's nobody's fault but my own that he ended up madder than ever."

"Well... Max is your best friend and you guys have got to get back on even footing. It's not good for either of you... and it's not good for the team."

"Aha... we get to the root of it all." I tease. "The cheerleader speaks out."

"Shut up. I'm going upstairs to wait with your mom."

"I'm just kidding." I protest. "Actually... I need to ask you something."

"Okay?"

"Do you remember that night when we went home from homecoming and we talked about the whole blue-eyed-blonde thing?"

"Yeah of course. And then you went on and dated every blue-eyed-blonde in school. Talk about stereotypes."

"I know. I know. I'm a cliché." I confess.

"Max thinks that's why you're dating Torie. You're trying to break out of your mold." She explains.

I groan and say, "Yeah, after all this time, my best friend still knows me better than anyone."

"So, he's right?" She asks incredulously.

"No... I mean, yes. But I'm crazy about Torie. She's beautiful and smart and everything, but... you know the whole story about my dad. And you know I hate him." I state vehemently, and I'm not sure I ever said that out loud. I think this last year of watching what my mom went through with Belle has made me appreciate her sacrifice to have me even more, and subsequently made me resent him even more. "I've always made a point of being everything he isn't."

She nods and says, "So you're saying that trying to be everything your father wasn't, includes trying to date someone other than the blue-eyed-blonde-haired southern belle?"

"Maybe... the thing is, it's always included not being a football player either."

She laughs out loud and says, "Well Mr. Top ranked high school quarterback in the state of Alabama... you've done a great job with that one."

"I know." I say disgustedly. "But I always told myself it was just for high school and then I'd maturely put away my football aspirations and be the scholar that I'm supposed to be. And now I'm about a week away from giving a verbal to Rice University to go and play division I college football. How did this happen?"

"Why is this such a big conflict?" She asks.

"You know my biological father played at Grambling. My mom never told me a lot about him, but I've pieced enough details together to know that he was a superstar quarterback just like me. There was even talk about him going to the NFL draft. And the year that I was born, he blew out his knee and never played again; didn't graduate or anything."

"So, what does that have to do with you?"

I think about it for a minute and finally say, "Because like I said. I want to be everything he wasn't. And all my life I've thought that meant not being a stereotypical football player. But what if I'm wrong? What if what I really want is to do what he couldn't? What it what I really want is to go all the way with this thing?"

"That's what you have to do!" Belle says excitedly. "Look, I never talk about this with anyone, but my mom is always pushing me to be the best gymnast, and the best cheerleader, and the best student... and she says it's because she wants me to be better at everything than she was. But do you know what I want to be better at? Life! I want to love unconditionally with my whole heart. I want to throw caution to the wind and ride off into the sunset with the love of my life! I want to marry Max and live happily ever after till we're little old people sitting on the front porch with dozens of grandchildren."

"Max?" I say, unable to hide my shock. "You... love Max?"

"More than anything!" She says with a sigh, but then she grabs my hand. "But you can't tell him because I haven't said it yet."

"Why not?"

"It's too soon. We've only been dating a little over a month. And I was such a nightmare to him for so long. He deserves some really romantic revelation from me, you know?"

I shake my head. "No. If Torie loved me I'd want to know the very second she decided it. I don't want to wait for the perfect moment. The moment she felt it would be the perfect moment."

"No, no, no. For you and Torie maybe, but I've been such a flake with Max. When I tell him, I want him to know 100% that I'm sure. He deserves that, you know?"

I nod and smile. I guess my best friend got his girl against all the odds.

"Okay, so back to you. You have to do this Carson. Be the star! Make your mark. Give it everything you've got. You have to give Rice the verbal."

I nod. "But Rice is an academic school. They haven't had a winning season since anyone can remember. I'm never going to set the world on fire at Rice."

"Then what about TCU?" She asks, and I realize she and Max have been talking.

I shake my head. "It'll be at least two years before I ever take a snap."

"So, what are you going to do?"

I sigh and say, "I'm probably going to give the verbal to Rice next week when we clinch the area championship. It's a great offer, and a good fit. And it's what my mom wants, and you know how amazing my mom is."

She nods. "And what do you want to do?"

I'm silent for a long moment while I think about what I'm about to say and then I blurt the truth that I never thought I'd say out loud. "I want to be a Grambling Tiger and I want to go all the way to the NFL."

Torie

December 2008

"We really need to stop." I say with little conviction as Carson kisses my neck and his hand inches ever so slightly further under my shirt. Is it wrong of me to consider letting him get to 2nd base because I feel bad that he just lost his senior state championship game?

"No, we really don't need to stop." He teases, recapturing my lips and I think he's probably right. I mean we are just kissing. And he did just throw two interceptions for TD's and lost the game; not just any game but the game he'd been working for this whole year. Right now, he needs to feel good about his talents, and number 3 excels at kissing.

"Hmmm, what if Max comes in?" I protest weakly. We left the game and broke off from most of his friends in order to come back to the room he's sharing with Max. Truthfully, I would have liked to be with the rest of them, but it was obvious he was in no mood to be in the misery-loves-company crowd.

"He won't. He was going somewhere with the Carpenter's and then he and Belle were going out to celebrate."

"Celebrate what? We lost." I ask stupidly.

He rises and looks at me with a wounded expression. "I don't know. Maybe the fact that he did everything he was supposed to do and I'm the one who sucked it up. He was right there every time he should have been. Fisher did everything that was asked of him. I'm the only one going to play ball for a college scholarship and I'm the one who blew it."

"Okay, enough with the whole 'I feel so sorry for me' bit." I say irritably. "You played a great game. Without you, this team does not make it to State in any way, shape or form. You're the star and you're the glue that held them together. You had a tough night and it just happened to be on a night when you needed to be spectacular. But don't let this define you!"

"I feel like it was my fault because maybe my head wasn't in the game 100% the way it should have been." He explains, rolling away from me and staring up at the ceiling. "I just keep thinking about... is this even what I want to do?"

"What are you talking about?" I ask sitting up to look him in the eyes.

"The past few months have been so insane. First, I gave the verbal to Rice... like everyone expected me to. And then I went rogue and I pursued the recruiters from Grambling until I got them to offer me a scholarship. And then I withdrew the verbal and signed with Grambling. Me; the most responsible teenager on planet earth. And now here I am. I've spent my whole life trying not to be like my father and now I'm going to play at Grambling. What's that even about? I was all set to go to Rice and be an engineer. Now what? I'm going to a historically black university; me, the whitest guy in Alabama."

"You can be an engineer anywhere." I argue.

"I can't be the whitest guy in Alabama anywhere." He argues. "I wonder how many Grambling Tigers listen to Hank Jr when they work out."

"Probably not a lot." I say, suppressing a laugh at the thought of it. "Listen to me. You can be anything you want to be. Just play the game you love, the way you love to play it... and the rest will fall in to place."

"That's just it though. I couldn't play the game I love the way I love to play it tonight because I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing. And if I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing and I can't play the way I should, then this all goes up in smoke pretty quickly."

I lean down and kiss him quickly and say, "If that happens... you'll got to UAH and be an engineer and this will all be just a distant, bad memory. But that's not going to happen."

Max

"Sorry!" I say, closing my eyes just in time to see Carson roll off the bed and hit the floor as Torie puts clothes back in place. Then I repeat. "Sorry. I should have knocked. I can go back downstairs."

"It's fine." Torie says, hurrying past. "My ride just texted a few minutes ago. I'm supposed to meet them downstairs now. I'll see you guys at home."

When she's gone Carson scowls at me, and I chuckle. "That wasn't bad for a consolation prize."

He groans and punches the pillow, but then looks at me seriously and says, "I'm sorry about the game. I really thought this was our year."

I shake my head and shrug. "You're one person in an eleven-member offense. You've carried this team all year... all high school for that matter. You have nothing to apologize for."

"I've never had to carry this team." He argues. "You're a two-time all-statewide receiver and ranked fifth in the state. God my Freshman year I'd have never made ten yards if Hayden hadn't dragged me down the field."

I laugh at the memory of a young, skinny, timid Carson being forced to go toe-to-toe with Hayden Nichols... one of the most lethal linemen in Gator history. "Man, I wish he was here right now. Win or lose, he'd love to be with us today."

"I wouldn't be here without Hayden." He says, and I can't argue with that. He was a big part of maturing Carson enough that he was able to step out of Caleb Sanders's shadow and become the star that he is today.

"Well here you are... the next game you play, you'll be playing in the Bayou." I say with pride.

"Do you think I'm doing the right thing? Choosing Grambling over Rice and TCU."

"Yes." I answer truthfully and without hesitation. "You'd have never gotten any playing time at TCU and at Rice you know you're not starting for at least two years. Grambling's starting QB graduates next year so you could get the start by your second year. And Rice hasn't won a bowl game since 1954. They haven't had a conference title since the early 90's."

"They're having a good year this year." I argue.

"They don't lead the series against even one of their chief rivals. They're not a football school. You'll never get to play the way that you love to play there. At Grambling, you'll run the offense... it'll be your team."

He nods and repeats. "I'm sorry man."

"For what?" I ask truthfully.

"You're my best friend... and this was our last game together. It should have been a win."

I shrug and say, "Somewhere in a hotel across town there are two guys from the other team who are saying 'we deserved this win because we've been best friends all of our lives and this is the perfect way for us to end our high school football career together'. This time it wasn't our day... it was theirs."

He looks at me in bewilderment and I sigh and say, "Besides, I don't care. Belle finally said she loved me tonight."

He laughs and rolls his eyes and says, "It's about time my friend."

Torie

May 2009

"This is an amazing dress. Is it vintage?" Fisher asks, dipping me and then pulling me back up. In my heels, I'm about two inches taller than him, but he doesn't seem to mind. He looks stunning in his tuxedo. He's probably the only guy at the prom whose tux fits him like it was made for him and doesn't look like he's playing dress up. I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to think that Carson was right about him.

"Actually, my dress isn't vintage." I explain. "I think it's a knockoff of something vintage. But I like it. I feel super glamourous."

"You look glamourous. I love this song." He says as the music changes to some popular slightly upbeat song that I don't know. Carson and I are having a great time, and I loved watching him get crowned prom king, along with Fisher and Max, who were both on court. But I started out my time at Grassland with Fisher as my first real friend. I'm glad I'm getting this time with him at his senior prom.

"I can't believe you know this song." I say truthfully and Fisher laughs.

"I don't, but I like who I'm dancing with."

"Fair enough." I agree... ever so slightly wistful.

"Where's QB?" He asks after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"Talking to Coach Reynolds. Coach wanted one more moment with his golden boys, Carson and Max." I explain.

Fisher nods and I add, "For the record, you were a huge part of every good thing that happened for the team this past year. Everyone knows that."

He grins. "Oh, QB girl, you know if there's one thing I'm not short on, it's confidence."

I grin and wish I had the nerve to ask Taylor Marsh about him. But then again, I know Taylor Marsh is used to being the aggressor in her relationships. Maybe the challenge was part of the thrill for her.

"Well for what it's worth, you were a Gator star this year."

"And you were a Gator Babe. A year ago, when I met you, I'd have put down good money that you'd never be such a thing." He teases.

I shake my head. "It was either that or have some other girl baking cookies and wearing my guy's number. Never! I don't know how Belle Carpenter and the other cheerleaders who date players stand it."

"Well I don't know about the rest of them, but Belle and Max are the most besotted couple I know. No Gator Babe stands a chance with her guy."

"So, what about you?" I ask, unable to resist. "Why don't you have a date tonight?"

He shrugs, and I expect some answer about desperate-prom-dateless-girls being like fishing in a barrel, but his answer surprises me. "I've never had a lot of good friends... but you and Carson and Max and Belle are. If I'd been dating someone I really liked, it would have been different, but I didn't want to drag along some random girl... not tonight. Who knows how many more times we'll all be together like this?"

I nod, and he adds. "I sometimes think they take it for granted because they've always been here, but this place and our group is special. It is to me anyway."

"Me too." I say softly, just as the music slows down and the band begins, Chances Are.

"Now this song I really do love." He tells me

"Bob Seger... you do have good taste." I say truthfully. "I don't broadcast this, but Hope Floats is one of my favorite movies."

He laughs, "Well don't broadcast it, but it's one of mine too."

I laugh and think I shouldn't be all that surprised. But then his hand dips just below my waist, and he pulls me a little closer than is absolutely appropriate and I can't help but think, he's at least a little interested.

Carson

Sometimes I feel like the last eighteen months will go down in history as the most eventful of my life... so far. Not only did my mom get married and have a new baby, but Max moved in with us and then we had our falling out. Things are better with us. I mean; he hasn't knocked me out in recent months. Still, I feel like we're not as close as we once were, but mostly I just attribute that to growing up. He's got Belle now, and, to a lesser degree, I have Torie. Torie coming into my life is no small part of what makes this year so eventful, and what finally happened on prom night is certainly a big part of that as well. It's funny, but after all the grief I gave Max about not telling me when he and Belle were first together, I still haven't told him about Torie and me. I guess it makes sense now after all.

But the biggest change for me has been with football. Football was always a huge part of my life and from the time that Caleb Sanders got hurt and went out for the season, football has been the thing that defined me... at least to everyone else. But I've always resisted stereotypes and struggled to forge my own path regardless of what was expected of me. Instead I struggled to excel at academics, most specifically math and science with plans of going to an academically superior school and majoring in something that would lead to a career in engineering. And then everything changed.

I park my car at the end of the road, kill the headlights and wait until I see a shadow darting across the lawn and then I pull forward and unlock the door.

"If I get caught by my parents or Max, I will kill you." Belle says, closing the door softly and then clicking her seatbelt in place.

"Relax. I know you sneak out at least once a week." I say, pulling away and driving out to the highway, with no particular destination in mind.

"That's different. That's because my parents have stupid rules. When Max is off work, he can come over or come get me and we can stay together till 11:00. But when he works until 9:30 they won't let him come over that late, even though we could sit in the den and watch the news or TV land..."

"Or make out for an hour and a half?" I tease.

"Exactly. That's with Max which... I'm sorry, is worth getting in trouble with my parents for. You, having a midnight crisis, is not." She says irritably.

"I'm sorry, but I have to talk to someone before tomorrow and I need someone objective who... doesn't love me."

"Excuse me?" She says, obviously offended. "You're one of my best friends. You're Max's very best friend. I love you."

"I know, but not like... my mom or Max or... hopefully not even Torie." I reason.

She nods, and I begin to explain.

"Ever since I withdrew the verbal with Rice and signed with Grambling my mother and Avery and Max and Coach and now even Hayden all act like I've gone around the bend. I know that Grambling isn't the most obvious choice, but I don't know why everyone is so upset."

"Okay, for starters, withdrawing the verbal from Rice was an uncharacteristically rude and irresponsible thing for you to do. It makes you look like a flake, which, let's face it, is the polar opposite of you. You're the most responsible high school senior I know. You practically raised Caity and Celia. So that is a source of great concern for your mom."

"I understand that, but mom knows better than anyone that I was never comfortable with that decision. I agreed because they wanted an answer and Coach and Max wanted me to settle on something before State because the media hype was already at such a frenzy, they wanted to at least have that settled."

"Yes, dad made Hayden wait till after he won state to give UCF the verbal. He felt it upped his visibility."

"Well since we didn't win, thanks in large part to me, that would have been a mistake."

Belle sighs because everyone has had this conversation with me more than once. "You're not the reason we lost state."

"I threw two interceptions for touchdowns. Two. Max was right where he was supposed to be. But the ball wasn't. Whose fault is it, if not mine?" I argue vehemently. I've had this discussion with Belle and everyone else in my life more than once.

"Well even if that's the case, you were under a lot of pressure, it was a great game and life goes on, even when the Gators don't win." She assures me. "And ditching Rice isn't the most out of character thing you've done this year."

"You're talking about Torie, right?" I say defensively.

"It's not that everyone doesn't like Torie, but you have to admit that she's very different from... well, you and anyone you've ever dated or thought about dating. Torie has a lot of good qualities, and I for one think it's good for you to step out of your comfort zone, but when you make as drastic a change in the kind of people you associate with as you did with her, and then your whole life changes too, that seems the obvious place to look." Belle explains.

"Well maybe she was a drastic change, but that's not a bad thing. She just encouraged me to stop thinking that I had to be this anti-football player. She says I have just as much star potential as anyone else."

Which is what makes this all so bizarre. From a football standpoint, Grambling isn't even in the FBS."

"I know that." I say defensively. "But Grambling is always in the hunt for a conference championship. I could have been a medium fish in a big, sucky pond, or a big fish, in a medium size, strong pond. I think I'd rather be in a strong pond."

"Okay, here's the thing. Everyone who loves you... me included, is worried about you because you've made these decisions that are completely out of character. But you're eighteen-years-old. You're a grown man with a bright future ahead of you. If you're happy about your choices, then everyone else will be too. So why are we here?"

I think about it for a moment and finally say, "Because tomorrow is senior awards day and I'm going to stand up in front of the school and accept my scholarship and have my picture made with my jersey and I want to feel good about it. And I want my family to feel good about it, but until I feel good about it, then I can't make them feel good about it."

"So, do you feel good about it?" Belle asks seriously. "Because, I know I encouraged you to go for this; to be what your father couldn't be, but if that's the only reason you're doing it... Is that the only reason?"

I consider her question for a minute and finally I say, "No, it isn't. I want to do this. Maybe it is because of my dad. And maybe it's just because I've tried so hard to be the opposite of something that it's made me want to be the something, I was trying to be the opposite of. But I didn't want to go to Rice. And I want to go and play football at Grambling. I want to prove that I'm better than the guy that lost state."

"Tell your mom that... and Max and Avery. All anyone wants, is for you to be happy."

I thank Belle for her help. After all we've been through, somehow, she's become one of my closest friends. I can tell her things I can't tell Torie and Max because I don't want to disappoint Torie and Max. I know Max is still a little concerned that I have feelings for Belle, but I'm 100% certain that she and I want nothing but friendship from one another.

Once again, I turn off the lights and park where I can watch Belle cut through the woods and come in through the back of her house. I know this trick because Max and I have dropped her off late from curfew a few times.

"Thanks for doing this. I hope you don't get caught." I say truthfully.

"I won't. I mean, I never do." She says.

"Are you going to tell Max?"

She thinks a moment and says, "Not if you don't want me to."

I shake my head. "It's up to you. I know you can't stand to not tell him things."

"No, but... technically it's not a lie so..." She says noncommittally.

"Well, I won't be mad if you do."
Torie Reyes

January 2016

"You know I could always stay at my parents'." I remind him as we pull up and stop in front of the house I recognize as Max's.

"Your parents make you crazy. You don't want to do that. Besides, you like Max." Fisher says, leaning over to kiss me quickly. "It'll be fun."

"It'll be fun." I repeat although this whole thing makes me nervous.

Fisher and I have been dating for several months, after realizing from social media that we were living in the same city again. When we first decided to get together for lunch, I might have hoped for more, but I was expecting to rekindle our friendship... and at the moment that was something I desperately needed. But it didn't take long for it to become something more.

I still laugh when I think that Carson used to think he was gay.

"Boy, was he wrong about that one." I admit inwardly.

Once I was fully single and available, it certainly hadn't taken him long to prove that idea was REALLY wrong. All the chemistry that I'd thought we shared back in high school is still there and more. The truth is, I'm in love with him, and even if I'm afraid to say it out loud, I know he's the one. But being here, back in Grassland where our lives were so different, I just can't help worrying that everything will get out of hand quickly.

"Relax." Fisher says, ringing the doorbell. "What's the worst that can happen?"

The door opens and there on the other side stands his answer.

"Carson." I gasp, and his face looks like I feel... and so does Max. Looking around the only person who doesn't look surprised is Fisher. He breezes past me to embrace both his friends and start talking amicably about the plans for Max's bachelor party tonight.

"So, you and Fisher?" Carson says, and I can't miss the way he asks; like he has a right to be wounded.

"Yes... for several months now." I answer, looking over at the man I love and thinking that I'm probably going to murder him before midnight and be available again. "And you are the most eligible bachelor in the NFL."

"One of..." He adds.

I laugh nervously. "Well forgive me if I question the idea that you're spending much time lonely. Eligible Bachelor indeed."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asks.

I shrug because I know I'm the one that broke up with Carson. But I also know that I wasn't the only one who wanted out of our relationship.

August 2009

"Carson Jennings, what did you do to me?" I say as we sit on the back of his car watching the jet skis in the bay with the early afternoon sun bouncing off the water. It's the last big party before he leaves for college. It's our last date before he leaves for college. "I was not supposed to fall in love in high school."

He grins and says, "Well I'm sorry I couldn't prevent that from happening, but I am sort of irresistible that way."

"You are irresistible." I admit ruefully as he hugs me closer to him.

"You want to get out of here?" He asks.

"It's your last party before football camp starts. Don't you want to stay here with your friends? I know Fisher is going to be pissed if you leave without some male bonding." I tease.

"I love Fisher and God knows he's been a lifesaver this year with things being the way they have been with Max and me, but my best friend is in South Carolina, so I'm not real interested in male bonding." He explains.

"Then yes, let's get out of here."

We leave the party as quickly as possible, which isn't that quickly since Carson is Mr. Popularity and everyone wants to tell him goodbye. But once we're alone in the car it doesn't take a genius to figure out, we're headed for his stepdad's boat, but I'm happy for one last chance to be alone with him. The thing is, I know once you have sex most guys only ever want to have sex after that; no more movies, no more making out, no more holding hands... it's always straight to the main attraction. But Carson hasn't been like that. He's been just as sweet as he ever was. I wasn't sure if I was in love with him on prom night; I'm still not sure if I was. But I know I am now.

"I'm going to miss you." I say wistfully as we sit up on deck as the day turns into night. "You know I never saw you coming."

He laughs and says, "I wasn't your type?"

"You were not. And I know I'm not yours either."

He nods. "Well... I'm glad I broke out of my mold. Because I never saw you coming either, but I'd have hated to miss this."

I pull away from him and take his hand and look into his beautiful cat-like golden brown eyes. I know I have to say what comes next, but I really don't want to. Finally, I take a deep breath and say the thing I've been dreading. "Look, I know we've both been saying all summer that we were going to take a break when you went away to school; see other people and not put expectations on each other. I know it's the right thing to do; it's the smart thing. But I wouldn't be the person that I want to be if I didn't say to you that I know things are going to happen; especially for you. You're going to be a college football star and you're going to meet new people and I love you... but I want you to know that if you meet someone new and fall in love, I will always be glad that we had this year together."

"We don't have to do this." He says, and he sounds terribly unsure and terribly unlike himself. "Max and Belle are doing long distance and she seems okay."

"She's not okay. She's a whiney, weepy mess." I say, trying not to turn into a weepy mess myself.

"You mean you're not going to be a whiney weepy mess when I'm gone?"

I laugh. "Maybe a little. But what about you? I mean, Max is doing long distance but he's on an island with a bunch of guys. You're going to be a college football quarterback."

"In Grambling, LA. I might as well be on an island." He says morosely.

"Don't make a racially offensive comment." I scold.

"I'm biracial. I can't be racist... in either direction." He argues.

I look at him and laugh. "Yeah, sure you can't. You're a regular Switzerland."

He hugs me to him and says, "All I'm saying is that we don't have to end things now. We can give it a semester and see how we do with long distance."

"No, no." I argue with conviction. We've talked about this all and I know it's the right thing. It's just hard to make the break, but we should. So, I say, "This is my senior year and your first year of college. The last thing either of us want is to be all lonely and clingy. If we don't make a clean break, then you're going to stay at school for a party or something on a weekend when I want you to come home and I'm going to get mad. Or you'll come home, and I'll have plans and then you'll be mad. This way, when you come home, we can have a great time 'hanging out'." Hanging out has air quotes around it. "But when you leave, we don't have any expectations."

Carson nods. "I'm as apathetic about it as I was three months ago when you said it, but I figure it is what it is." He pulls away from me, takes my hands and looks longingly into my eyes, "So I guess all that's left to say is, Torie Reyes, will you stop being my girlfriend?"

Carson

I pull into my driveway and I sit there for a long while. Like Torie said, I never meant for this to be so hard. I never meant to really care about the hot girl with the purple hair and tattoo on her hip. I sit while one song after another play through on the radio. I keep sitting there till I see headlights pull in behind me. A minute later someone knocks on the passenger window and then Fisher opens my door and sits down beside me.

"Stalker much?" I say irritably.

"I called, and you didn't answer so I drove by to check on you; saw you sitting here. Are you okay?"

"Nope. And it's all your fault. I was perfectly happy dating Stepford blondes but no... you just had to encourage me to go after Torie." I say angrily, but it's not directed at him. I know he knows that.

"Sorry dude. I mean you got a year with a hot girl you're crazy about, who's crazy about you. You should probably beat the hell out of me for it."

"If I thought you wouldn't fight back I might do it, but I know you will. And that's all I need is to show up at football training camp with a black eye... that I got from a 5-foot 8-inch white boy from...nowhere."

"5 ft 9, you ass, and I'm from somewhere."

"I know. Where is it? Ohio?"

He sits quietly for a minute but finally says, "Here. I'm from here.... just like you guys."

I look at him and a snide comment is on the tip of my tongue, but I'm not sure why. Maybe because even though I like him a lot, I'm also jealous of him. He's been here a year, and I've been here my whole life, but just like he says... he's one of us. Or maybe I'm jealous because I'm threatened by his relationship with Max.... if I'm honest I'm even threatened by his relationship with Torie, and I don't know why. And even with the possibility that he might be gay, he can still have any girl he wants; and in the deepest part of the deep south, it hasn't made him the least bit less popular.

"So, if you're from here, what's your plan?" I ask curiously. A year and a half ago when we met, he told us all not to get too attached because he never lived anywhere longer than two years. I figure the time is coming for his dad to move on to another job, and he's already said that college isn't for him. I'm curious about his plans.

"Actually, dad is set to move to Indiana in September, and I've gotten hired at the Foley Municipal Airport. I've rented an apartment over there." He explains.

I know he's mentioned flying before, but I always just figured it was a rich kid hobby. "You fly well enough to get paid?"

He gives me a smirk and say, "I do, but mostly I get paid for maintenance and doing paperwork and taxiing the planes. Whatever they need... that's was the job description. But it's a foot in the door. Flying and football are the only things I ever wanted to do. Only one of those is something I can get paid for."

I shake my head and look at him; my jealousy of moments ago replaced by simple admiration. For all Max and I talk about growing up tough, we still always had people who loved us and cared about us. My mom has always been here for me, and Max has always had Georgia. Since middle school we always had the Gator coaching staff and the boosters. People were always looking out for us. I mean, sure Fisher got a Porsche for his seventeenth birthday, but he's also alone; except for us. And yet he never seems to mind. He's just put down roots with us like he's been here all along. I know he told us not to get attached to him and it's obvious he's never gotten attached to anyone in his past locations, but I know Max and I have grown accustomed to him. It would be hard to imagine him not being here now.

"What's it like man?" I ask curiously, "To not feel the pressure to... live up to anyone's expectations but your own. I mean, if you make it as a pilot, you'll do great. But if you don't, you'll do something else and you'll do great. But whatever you do, it'll be because you did it and not because anyone pushed you."

"Come on, I'm a rich kid. I don't get any credit for anything I do that's good, but anything bad is all because I'm a rich kid." He says with only the slightest hint of annoyance.

"Will your dad keep supporting you, even though he's pissed you're not going to college?" I ask curiously.

"I don't know... I mean it isn't like that. My dad makes a lot of money and he's good with what he's got. He's not going to cut me off the day he moves to Indiana. I've had a debit card on his checking account since I was thirteen and I don't figure that'll change. I'm all he's got. But I'm not the kind of person who'd ever take advantage of it. My apartment over in Foley is a dump. I don't spend money extravagantly. I'll make it on my own because that's just what I expect of myself; but if I ever get in trouble, I won't hesitate to call my dad and he wouldn't lecture me about 'being my own man'. And I also have a lot in savings and my mom still sends me money every few months; someday she'll admit that I'm grown, which means she's old, and she'll stop sending it probably." He laughs ruefully and adds, "My parents are generous with things and money but selfish with themselves."

"Well... the apple fell pretty far from the tree." I admit ruefully. It's funny because just like I told Torie that I never saw her coming, the same can be said for my friendship with Fisher. I reach across the front seat and extend my hand to the friend I never saw coming and say, "Thanks... for pushing me to go out with the hot Latino girl and for coming by to check on me tonight. You're right. I wasn't okay."

"And now?" He asks, shaking my extended hand.

"I will be."

Belle

October 2009

"So how excited are you?" I ask as Torie and I check our hair and makeup in the bathroom mirror. I've spent a lifetime fixing hair and makeup in crummy stadium restrooms. It's the life of a cheerleader. But today I'm just a fan; watching my boyfriend's best friend play in a college game where the team is highly favored so he's likely to get significant playing time.

"I'm more excited than I should be. My God how did you stand it when you went to Max's graduation? You must have just wanted to fling yourself in the middle of the parade route."

"Oh absolutely! And I cried half the time because I was just so happy to see him and so sad thinking that we were starting over with 13 more weeks. But I know it's been a while since you've seen Carson." I say sympathetically.

She shrugs. "We broke up, because supposedly it was going to make things easier. But if we're still friends and we still talk all the time and text all the time and have every intention of being together at Christmas and this summer; then really, how have we helped ourselves? I mean, I don't feel right about dating. I don't want to date anyone else."

"And you made such of fun of Max and me." I tease as we head out to find Fisher and our seats. Torie and I have been thrown together for the last year and through it we've become better than mere acquaintances. I don't think she'll ever be my first choice to hang out, and I won't be hers, but I like her, and I have a lot of respect for her. There's more there than meets the eye.

We find Fisher and watch excitedly as number 12, our number 3, takes the field as a black and gold GSU Tiger. At half time his team is up by 3 touchdowns, so he goes in at the beginning of the third quarter. I watch stunned as he racks up one first down after the next and scores on his first drive. The game continues in this manner and all I can think is that I can't believe Max isn't here to see it.

They win easily, but more importantly Carson has a great game with over 150 yards in the second half. There's another back up QB in the rotation who will be a senior next year. The question is who will get the starting position next year. Safe money will be on the senior, but a few more games like this and the smart money will be on Carson.

We make our way to wait outside the locker rooms. Carson knows Fisher is coming, but Torie and I... mostly Torie... are a surprise. Fisher stands in front of us and Torie looks at me and whispers, "Is it weird that I'm nervous?"

"Not at all." I assure her. "That's the main reason I cried so much before Max's graduation. I was so afraid that Max would be different or the way he felt about me would be different. I'm a million times better now than I was during the first thirteen-week stint because I know that when it's over, he'll still be Max."

"Okay." Fisher says turning to talk to us when the first players start to come out of the locker room. "Torie, you get behind us. We'll wait till we get him over here and then do the big reveal."

"You're such a goob." Torie says grinning at him affectionately. I can't help thinking again that there's something going on between these two whether they know it or not.

The three of us watch the doors excitedly and finally there's Carson, all smiles in his jersey and khakis. And then just as Fisher yells his name and waves him towards us, someone else calls his name too and we watch, horrified, as some leggy-blonde steps into his welcoming embrace; and I hear Torie gasp behind us.

Fisher

"So, you didn't think that maybe you should have told me she was coming?" Carson asks angrily as we park the car. The girls are inside getting a table, but he stayed in the car with me. I insisted he go on with them, but I could tell he wanted to scream at me. I mean, I guess it's to be expected.

"It was a surprise. And do not put this on me." I argue, and as I say it, I can't help but begin to feel the anger rise in me. "All you've done is piss and moan about how there's no one here; how you have no friends; how much you miss her. How was I to know you'd hook up with the first Stepford blonde in a 100-mile radius?"

"Sarah isn't a Stepford blonde." He says angrily.

"Well she's not your girlfriend either."

"Neither is Torie. We broke up. We're seeing other people. Sarah is other people."

"Is it serious?" I ask, and I know it's none of my business...but this is happening to Torie, and as far as I'm concerned, she is my business.

"No, of course not. We've been out twice. She has a hot, red-headed friend who was supposed to be for you, and they were going with us to dinner."

"Damn." I mutter irritably. Why did I agree to bring Torie again? Oh yeah, so I could torture myself watching her bounce around the backseat with barely suppressed glee at the anticipation of seeing Carson in person.

"Exactly. After I brushed Sarah off, she's probably done with me." He says gloomily.

"Here's what I want to know. We did research. Max googled it and spouted one of his beloved statistics that Grambling, LA is 1.07% white and 97% non-white. So please tell me how you found the only Stepford blonde in town."

He rolls his eyes at me and then we both laugh because... we're guys, and you can't make stuff like this up.

"I freaking can't wait to tell this one to Max." I say.

"Come on." He says as I pull into a parking space. "I've got my currently-not-my-girlfriend and my girl-who's-never-been-my-girlfriend-but-acts-like-she's-the-boss-of-me waiting inside for me to come in and get screamed at. Let's go get it over with."

Dinner consists of uncomfortable silence from Carson and Torie and inane chitchat from Belle and me. The plan was for the girls to get a room somewhere and I'd crash on the floor of Carson's dorm. Now I'm thinking we should just head for home and a text from Torie confirms it. So, we struggle through dinner and head for Carson's dorm. He invites us in and tells us only one at a time can go up with him. He and I watch stunned as Belle jumps in front of us to tell him she gets to go first. When they disappear up the stairs, I turn to Torie and immediately begin apologizing.

"It's fine. Really, we're seeing other people. This is us seeing other people. I never thought he was going to go to college and be a quarterback and not date anyone." She insists.

I put a supportive arm around her shoulder and say, "Okay, but you know if you're upset, I understand. It's okay to not be okay."

"Well is it okay to be okay because I am?" She says irritably. "I just don't want to be around him right now because I'm embarrassed, but I have no right to be hurt."

"Well whether you have a right to be or not isn't the point. If you're hurt, you're hurt." I say softly, and she lays her head against my shoulder. Being supportive with Torie is dangerous ground for me, but at the moment I know she needs a friend.

"I felt stupid." She says softly as her tough girl exterior cracks a little. "I mean; I know Carson isn't the love of my life; I've always known that. But I love him. I thought I knew him. And today I felt like I didn't know him at all. He looked like... exactly who he didn't want to be; the player with the token blonde on his arm. I just feel like... if I could be that wrong about him, how can I trust myself to be right about anyone else?"

I turn my head and look at her and I wonder why I didn't make a move the day Carson left for college. That was my plan after all. But then I sat in the car with Carson and he was all torn up about leaving her and she was all torn up and once again I saw her as his. But she's not his. She knows it, Carson knows it and I know it. So why don't I just kiss her right now and put an end to all of this? But I know why. Because if she can't trust a good guy like Carson, how can I ask her to trust me when I don't even trust me; especially not with her? So instead I lean my forehead against hers and say, "You are the smartest, strongest girl I know Victoria Rose. No matter who hurts you and who disappoints you, never stop trusting yourself."

Carson

"What the hell?" I say as soon as Belle and I are alone on the stairs. "I wanted to be alone with Torie, so I could try to explain this, but you practically clothes-lined her to get up here first."

"Oh, Carson, you know I can't stay away from you." She says dramatically before smacking me on the back of the head. "She told me to make sure she wasn't left alone with you under any circumstances. And just in case you didn't know it, I'm on her side."

"We're seeing other people!" I scream in frustration.

"Well that doesn't mean she wants to see you see other people!"

"Obviously if I'd known Torie was coming I wouldn't have been seeing other people today, but I didn't know that. I didn't know you were coming either by the way."

"It was supposed to be a surprise."

"Well great job. You surprised the hell out of me and my date and the date I had for Fisher. And by the way, does Max know you're traveling in a car alone with Fisher Barnes?"

"I'm not alone. I'm with Torie."

I make a face, but don't tell her that if Fisher's stories are to be believed that would be right up his alley. Instead I say, "So why are you on Torie's side?"

"What do you mean?" She bites back angrily.

"You don't even like her."

"I do too! Besides, it's girl code."

"Girl code? What is that?" I ask growing more irrationally angry by the minute. What possessed them to spring a surprise like this on me? I would have loved to have gotten to see Torie. I've missed her like crazy. But this is what we agreed to, and Sarah is fun and sweet and gorgeous.

"It means we're on the same team against boys." She says and then laughs as the lunacy of that statement sinks in. "Trust me, it's a truth known universally by females."

"Well you're supposed to be on my side." I state vehemently.

"Why?"

"Because..." I say with no real defense for my reasoning, but then my defense hits me, and I point to her for emphasis. "You're my Max proxy."

"What?"

"My Max proxy; Max isn't here and you're his girlfriend so that means you are responsible for voting his proxy, and Max would be on my side."

"You sure about that?" She asks seriously.

I think on it a minute and say, "Belle I would rather get punched in the throat than to ever hurt Torie. I care a lot about her. But we're not you and Max, and we never pretended to be. If he did this to you, I'd be the first in line to kick his ass... and I'd be the first in line to kick yours if you did it to him. But Torie and I broke up for this very reason. You know if I'd known she was coming this wouldn't have happened."

She nods reluctantly and says, "You're right. I'm sorry. I'm not on her side... except I am about the not wanting to see you alone, but otherwise I'm not. Just give her a few hours to cool off and call her tomorrow. It'll be fine. What did you tell your date?"

I shrug. "Sarah knows I had a girlfriend that's still important to me. I told her the truth. She looked miffed, but she gets it."

"How'd you meet her?"

"She works at the health food store over in Simsboro. I started going over there when I first got here. We've only been out a few times." I explain as we arrive at my door.

"Come on and see my dorm room. It's not much, but you can send pictures to Max." I tell her opening the door and letting her in. She explores, which is no small feat since it's basically a closet with twin bunks, and snaps a few photos for Max. Then she congratulates me on the game, and we talk about Max and about school and then start back downstairs. I'd hoped to get Torie up here for a few minutes just to smooth things over, but Belle's probably right. I'll just wait a day or so and call her.

Just as we reach the end of the hall, a friend of mine immerges from his room and says, "Damn number 12. Do you have your own personal supply of hot girls? This is like the third one I've seen you with this month."

He walks passed us and I shrink as Belle smacks me on the back of the head again, "Seriously Carson?"

Torie

December 2009

"Excuse me but would you by any chance have a copy of Burl Ives singing Frosty the Snowman?"

I look up and grin, happier than I should be to see Fisher coming toward me at Spin. Things have been awkward with us ever since we saw Carson and I'm not sure why. He's hardly been back to Grassland and I've heard from him almost as infrequently. But he's here now so I run out from behind the counter and launch myself at him. I missed him more than I even realized.

"I'm so happy to see you!" I say excitedly. "I have missed you like crazy. Where've you been?"

"You know, working mostly. I spend most of my time at the airport. I'm not logging a lot of flight hours, but I'm getting really good at filing. And I'm waiting tables at a seafood place in Gulf Shores on Beach Blvd. Those snowbirds are great tippers."

"I'm sure you win them over with your charm. Are you going to Indiana to spend Christmas with your dad?"

"No, I need to work." He explains and then confesses. "He's actually skiing at Telluride. He invited me to come but..." His words trail off and he shrugs. He's so good at hiding his emotions that most people who don't know him dismiss him as either cold or shallow. I know he's neither, and I'm guessing, this hurts; more than he'd ever let anyone know.

"Do you guys talk a lot?"

"Torie, we didn't talk a lot when we lived in the same house. It's fine. I'm used to it." He says. "My mom sent a check from Montreal. She's apparently gone international now."

"Are you okay?" I ask because I can't help myself. "It's okay to admit you're lonely."

"I know, but I'm not. I guess... my dad has always been really good at starting over. The expression, wherever you are there you'll be; he takes it to a whole new level. Wherever he lives is home and he's 100% on board with the people and traditions. He just melts in seamlessly; like a superspy. And I guess I've always known that as easy as it is for him to walk away from a place and jump into a new one, it would be just as easy for him to walk away from me; as easy as it was for my mom. But seeing it first-hand has been a little harder than I expected."

I shake my head because I can't imagine walking away from my family like that, and I can't imagine how his father could walk away from Fisher. I certainly can't stand to think of walking away from him.

"It totally sucks, but I know you'll be all right." I say and then I stall. For the first time, I don't know what to say to him. Finally, I sigh and say, "What happened? You never call; you never text."

He shrugs. "You saw Carson with another girl, and you kissed me and then you said it was a mistake. I'm not sure where we go from there."

I nod because I knew that was the problem and I feel like crap about it. The night we came home from Grambling we dropped Belle off and then he drove me home. We were sitting in the driveway talking and I wanted him to kiss me; seeing Carson with Sarah had given me permission to admit that I wanted it; I'd always wanted it. But he didn't kiss me so in a moment I've replayed a million times in my head I lunged across the seat and I kissed him. He kissed me back; quite well I might add, but then he gently pushed me away and asked why I was doing it. And instead of just telling him the truth; telling him I'd always wanted to kiss him. I told him that I was sorry. It was a mistake because I was confused about Carson. He kissed me on the forehead and told me I should go get some sleep. I sent some texts asking him to talk to me about it and he's always been nothing but sweet, but he made no offer to see me; until now.

"It was a mistake, but not because of us." I say lamely. "Because I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. You're my best friend Fisher. I would never do anything to hurt you or push you away. I'm sorry."

He nods, and I can't tell what he's thinking. He's so good at never letting anyone in. He says, "I missed you. I don't want things to be awkward between us."

"Me either." I tell him truthfully.

"So, have you talked to Carson? How are things?"

"Fine. He called me that next afternoon. I mean, like I said. It wasn't like I thought it wasn't happening. I just didn't think I'd have to see it."

"What about you? Is it happening?" He asks with a grimace.

"No." I admit ruefully. "But not because of Carson. I'm leaving for Gainesville in the fall. The last thing I need or want is to get involved with anyone else, you know? I mean, I dodged a bullet with Carson. He's such a great guy, but luckily for me he's meant to be someone else's great guy, and I knew that all along. I just got caught up in it. But I won't make that mistake again. From now until I get to college, I'm just making good grades and playing music and, hopefully, hanging out with my friends."

"Definitely." He says with a smile. "So, have you seen Carson since he got back from school for Christmas break?"

"Sure, a few times, just as friends." I say pointedly. "Speaking of Christmas, since you're not going to see either of your parents, I'd love to have you come over with us." My mom would have a stroke, but since she's already said that Alex won't be making the trip again this year and we aren't going there either, she'd let Fisher come just to appease me. He looks to be seriously considering it and I suddenly realize how much I'd love to share Christmas with him. Sure, my family is somewhat dysfunctional, but it's still a family. It'd be good for him and I would love to give that to him. But then he shakes his head reluctantly.

"Max is coming home... actually he'll be here today so that's why I'm here. And he and Carson invited me to stay at Carson's parent's house and spend Christmas with all of them. It's the whole bunch of Thomases, Jennings, Nichols and Coopers so... I guess you throw the Barnes in there too. I'm looking forward to it."

"Good. But the offer stands anytime if things change. Are you meeting the guys tonight?" I ask. "Is this like a guys' night?"

"Uh the Clean Marine hasn't seen Belle since September so no; I'm thinking it won't be a guys' night. They're usually pretty restrained, but..."

"Yeah for real." I say, happy for Belle and Max to get a reunion that I know they're both anxious for but wondering insanely how neither Fisher nor Carson saw fit to invite me. This is supposed to be my group too.

As if reading my mind Fisher says, "You should come too. When do you get off work?"

"No, I don't think so. I mean... I don't want things to be weird with Carson and for him to feel like I'm stalking him while he's home for Christmas."

Fisher nods, but then says, "Screw that. He kissed a girl in front of you. You don't have to hide from him at all. What time do you get off work? I'll pick you up?"

I shake my head. "Really, you go have fun and tell Max I'm so proud of him. I will catch up with you guys soon enough, okay?"

He leaves, and I sit back down to finish my shift. While the rest of the retail world might be overrun as the holidays rapidly approach, apparently, Spin isn't the destination for that "can't live without" present. I suppose most parents are buying gift cards for music-downloads to fill their kids' Christmas gift requests. I know that's what mine will probably do. It's just before closing when the door jingles again and I look up to see Carson. We've been out once since he got home, and he invited me to come over and "hang out" another time. We watched movies and I kept him at arm's length. In August "hanging out" definitely meant making out... maybe more, but that was before Sarah. On the other hand, a little friends-with-benefits making out under the Mistletoe doesn't seem like the worst idea. Especially after I saw Fisher and he didn't throw me down on the counter like I was hoping he would. Apparently, the kiss we shared a few months ago wasn't as magical for him as it was for me.

"Hey QB, what brings you by tonight? I heard your boy was coming home."

He grins, and he's still got a dimple that makes my stomach flip-flop. I wonder if there are some things about a first love that never change.

"My boy has been back in town for a few hours. I'm so happy to see him." He says, and I can tell he's completely serious. Carson is generally reserved and a little guarded with his feelings but there's nothing cavalier about his tone tonight. He's genuinely thrilled to have his best friend home.

"Is Fisher there yet?" I ask, and I don't know why I feel guilty letting him know that I've talked to Fisher. Fisher is just a friend; at least that's what he and Carson and the rest of the of world think.

"I think he's on his way to our house. I left to go get some pizzas. Really, I left because I thought I was going to have to turn the hose on Max and Belle. But I also was hoping you were here and would want to come over. If you're there it'll be the whole gang."

I want to go, but I don't want Fisher to think I'm just there because Carson asked me, after I turned him down. But I also want to spend more time with him, and I want to see my friends. And I want Fisher to see me and Carson together and know that there's nothing going on. Finally, I agree and tell Carson I'll come over on my own.

I arrive at the Thomases' at just after 10:00 and knock on the door. Claire hugs me, and I quickly make my way into the den, excited to see everyone. I'm greeted by the guest of honor and Belle, who is glowing; And Georgia, who's also glowing because she has both her little brother and her hunky Hayden with her tonight.

Carson throws his arm around me possessively and I resist the urge to shrug it off as I scan the room for Fisher... and find him wrapped around Taylor Marsh as she giggles and runs a red lacquered fingernail along his cheek. I really have to stop surprising guys.

Fisher

April 2010

"You're wearing a tux. I thought you might wear your uniform." I tell Max as we finish getting dressed.

"Oh gross. I hate those guys." He teases. "Guys who wear their uniforms in the real world are in it for attention. Besides, tonight is Belle's night. She's getting crowned prom queen and I don't want to do anything to take away from her moment. And anyway... she really likes me in a tuxedo."

"Well I'd say something inappropriate about you dressing to get lucky, but you kind of scare me now that you're a marine so I'll refrain." I tease. I got into town this afternoon and came to get dressed at Max's, but we've decided to take separate cars. It was up in the air till the last minute whether or not Max would make it and he doesn't have long. I know he and Belle want to spend every second together alone.

"Who'd have thought last year when we were seniors that we'd both be back this year for prom?" He asks as we both head out to get our dates.

Last year we had my dad's house for the after-prom party, and it was pretty epic. Me and the Martin twins in the hot tub is already legendary. The Martin twins aren't twins; as a matter of fact, they aren't even sisters. Just two hot girls who both have the last name Martin. Of course, I found out later that Carson and Torie lost their virginity together that night so that sort of lessened the thrill of my conquest. I pull in the driveway and park the car and walk nervously toward the house. I'm probably the only guy in Grassland who owns my own tuxedo, but it was something my dad felt strongly about. While other guys are wearing rentals, accessorized by tacky satin cummerbunds, vest and bow ties in the color of their date's dresses, I'm in black Armani; always a classic.

I get to the front door and knock once but then try the handle, expecting it to be open and finding I'm right. When I open the door Torie stops across the room and for a second, I feel like time freezes. Every inch of her stunning curves is dressed in body hugging champagne lace with a plunging neckline and fitted skirt that flares out just below the knee. The halter top leaves her back bare and reveals plenty of smooth, tanned skin. Her face is more exotically beautiful than I remember, and her shiny, black pixie cut proves my long-held theory that there is nothing in this world sexier than a woman who is gorgeous enough and confident enough to wear sleek, short hair.

I stare at her for a full couple of minutes before I finally say, "I'm trying to find a more articulate response than, 'damn', but I keep drawing a blank."

"Damn yourself." She says with a smile as she crosses the floor to stand beside me. In her strappy gold heels, she's more than an inch taller than me and for some reason it makes her that much sexier.

"Can I assume by the way your tongue is hanging out that you like the dress?" She asks, turning slowly for me to see it from ever spectacular angle.

"Dress?" I say dumbly. "You think I've noticed the dress. All I see is the hot girl who's wearing it."

"Hmmm, good answer."

"Wait, something is different." I say and then point. "You got rid of your purple streak."

She laughs and nods. "I was standing at the dress shop last week for my final fitting and it hit me that I've kind of outgrown the whole purple hair, black clothes phase of life. Look at my fingernails." She says, holding them up to reveal that the harsh black has been replaced by a clean white and nude.

"A French manicure. It goes perfectly with the dress."

She gives me that bemused expression that I can never quite read and then says, "So are we meeting Max and Belle for dinner?"

"Yeah, dinner at Umberto's and then back to the Carpenter's for the paparazzi and then on to prom." I say wondering where her parents are and why there are no pictures being taken here or speeches to me about taking care of their daughter.

"My parents are in Panama City with Alex this weekend." She explains and as always, I have that eerie feeling that she can read my mind.

"I'm sorry." I say. "I know you've been dying to see him."

She shrugs and replies. "It was prom. I couldn't change my plans at the last minute."

I shake my head. "For what it's worth, I would have understood."

"Well I wouldn't have. I've missed you and I've been looking forward to this." She says softly, then reaching for my hand.

For a minute I think she's about to kiss me again and I've made up my mind that I'm not stopping anything tonight. After the Grambling game she kissed me, and I, in a moment I've replayed a million times, rebuffed her advances. Then at Christmas she showed up at Max's party with Carson, but not with Carson, and I was draped all over Taylor Marsh like some kind of lecher.

But instead of kissing me, she reaches for the box containing her corsage. "I'm assuming that's for me."

"Yes, sorry." I say, opening the cellophane box and sliding it on her wrist.

She stares down at the flowers and breathes, "This is perfect. It looks like it was made to go with my dress. Are these..."

"Orchids; your favorite flower."

"They are, but how did you know that?" She asks, still looking at them. They look beautiful against her graceful wrist and hand, but I'm of the opinion that it has far more to do with the background than the flowers themselves.

"You told me one time that you hated roses but that you always got roses because it's your middle name, but that you prefer orchids. To be specific they're blush cymbidium orchids. Would you believe I went to Hayden Nichols for help matching a corsage? The first time I met him I was so excited because he's classified by the courts as a deadly weapon."

"Okay, now it's official. You're a total goob." She says, and I laugh and put my hand on her back as we go out to my car.

We meet Max and Belle and some other friends for dinner and then afterwards we head to Belle's parents to have a million pictures made. Last year we were all here. Torie was with Carson and I watched her the whole night, eating my heart out. But tonight, she's with me and I couldn't be more excited.

We get to prom and everyone is laughing and talking as we find a table with room for all our friends. We head to the Vanity Wall with pictures of all the seniors throughout the year. There are multiple pictures of Belle; in her cheerleading uniform with her megaphone and tumbling down the field, on homecoming court, student council, fellowship of Christian student rallies, but only one of Torie, at Spin playing bass with her band.

"I love that picture." She says wistfully.

"You look completely happy." I tell her truthfully.

"I was playing music.... And you were in the front row cheering me on. I was completely happy."

My heart squeezes a little and my hand instinctively lands on the curve of her hip. It's a move that I hope looks as possessive as it feels. Torie leans into me so obviously she doesn't mind if I'm possessive tonight. Just as we turn to go back to our table, we run into Taylor Marsh who hugs me a little too long and exclaims over how beautiful Torie is.

"So, what brings you back to prom this year?" I ask.

She laughs and says, "You know I'm a bit of a cougar. Besides, when Prom King Rochester Donovan asked me, how could I say no? What about you two? Are you dating?"

"We're just here as friends." I say and then realize that Torie has said the exact same thing at the same time. And even though I said it, I can't help but let it hurt my feelings that she said it too. The weird thing is that as we walk passed Taylor to the dance floor, I can't shake the feeling that Torie is as mad at me for saying we're just friends as I am at her.

Torie

Two years ago, when I started at Grassland and Mrs. Asher introduced me to my orientation buddy, there was no way I could ever imagine being friends with Belle Carpenter. But here we are together at prom for the second year in a row, and I have to admit that even though it started out because of our guys, I've found that there's more to the perky cheerleader than meets the eye.

And tonight, I couldn't be happier; sitting between Fisher and Max, watching Belle get crowned prom queen. She's gorgeous with her hair hanging in long auburn ringlets around her creamy bare shoulders. Her dress is a strapless white sheath with a Grecian train. Max looks at her like he's picturing the rest of his life all tied up in her and a white dress. I look at Fisher and realize he's looking back at me. I wonder what it would feel like for him to look at me the way Max looks at Belle. I wonder if it's wishful thinking to believe that sometimes maybe he does.

After coronation Belle and I excuse ourselves to the ladies' room and I wonder if she's also remembering when we were here last year, and she had a bag full of condoms and plans to have sex with Max. I had no plans to have sex with Carson but once we got to Fisher's house and were alone and back in the same room where he'd asked me to be his girlfriend, I ended up giving in... not that with Carson it was exactly giving in. He never pushed me about it. But we'd been going out almost a year, he was a senior and everything about me gave the idea that I'd be more promiscuous than I was. He'd made it clear that he wanted to on enough occasions. That night I made it clear that I was ready.

It was easy with Carson. I loved him just enough to want to be with him, and yet not so much that if he rejected me or it eventually fell apart that it would destroy me. I guess that's why things are always so much more complicated with Fisher. We are stuck in that perfect balance where what we have isn't enough, but it's better than nothing and nothing with him terrifies me.

"So, please tell me you and Fisher Barnes aren't really just friends." Taylor Marsh says when she walks out of a stall and finds me reapplying lipstick and lost in thought.

I shrug. "Sorry to disappoint you, but I think we are, why?"

She shakes her head in disgust and says, "I made out with Carson Jennings once at a party. Nothing to complain about, truly. But Fisher Barnes; let's just say he proves for 100% certainty all the old wives' tales about how God compensates short guys in other areas. And furthermore, he knows exactly how to use it. Seriously, if you don't make something happen there, shame on you."

She starts to leave and then turns back, "On second thoughts, Rocky Donovan is turning out to be a total snooze. If you and Fisher are just friends maybe I can convince him to have a little late-night alumnus hook up. See you girls." She walks out with her stilettos clicking on the tile and when the door is closed Belle and I look at each other and burst out laughing.

"Okay, so I seriously want to tear her hair out at the roots." I say truthfully.

"I'll hold her down while you pull." Belle responds, pulling a hairbrush from her tiny evening bag. "But who do you want to defend; unremarkable Carson or well-endowed Fisher?"

I think on it for a moment and say, "Both. And for the record, I've done more than make out with Carson and he's far better than unremarkable."

"So why are you here with Fisher tonight? Carson is coming home to see Max next weekend. I'm sure he'd have just as soon come this weekend and got to be with you."

I shrug. "I wanted to spend my prom with Fisher. He's my best friend, and he's always here for me. It was a moment I wanted to share with someone who matters."

She nods. "So, Carson doesn't matter anymore?"

"Carson will always matter." I say truthfully. "I think part of me will always love Carson. But this year apart has proven to me that we are not forever."

"But you were right back together at Christmas."

"And I'm sure he was right back with someone else as soon as he got back to school. And the bad part is, I don't even care. I will always hang out with Carson when he's here, if we're both available. He's my go-to 'friend with benefits'. But it doesn't bother me to know that he's with someone else when he's not with me."

Belle nods. "That's good. I'm not trying to push you back toward Carson. I just didn't want to think that you were still unsure about your feelings for him."

"No, he's not the one I'm unsure about." I say dismally.

"Aha, I was right. It's always been Fisher, hasn't it?" She says excitedly.

"Okay, you cannot tell Max. I know you guys are in that whole 'if you tell one half of a married couple it's understood you're telling the other half' thing, but please promise me you won't tell him about this because he'll tell Fisher or Carson or both and I'm just not ready for that." I plead.

"Okay, I'll swear girl code on this. Now tell me everything. A year ago, we stood in this bathroom and you told me he was gay! I never told Max that either because it would freak him out and also because I never believed it."

"Well I never really believed it either. And you heard what Taylor just said. Of course, there are other things. Like..." I hold out my hand to show her my fingernails. "Would Max know that this is a French manicure?"

"I'm not sure Max would even know it was a manicure. He might not even know they're called fingernails." She teases.

"Exactly. Fisher knows. He also knew that my dress last year was vintage. He helps me pick out clothes for my shows and look at this corsage."

"Well to be fair, both he and Max had help with corsages from Hayden." She explains, showing off her gorgeous wristlet of lilies and babies' breath. "And to that point, Hayden is fast becoming the floral expert of the gulf coast and you don't get any less gay that him."

"You can say that again." I say, fanning with my handbag. "But the big thing is that he never makes a move on me. I kissed him once, after the Grambling weekend, and he very sweetly rejected me. And then nothing else. So, either he's gay or he doesn't want me... I'm not sure which one of those is worse."

"He's not gay and he doesn't not want you. Have you seen how he looks at you? I've always known that he wanted you, since the day we passed him and Max in the hall on your first day at school."

"Ha, the funny thing is, he actually wanted you... and I wanted Max." I confess, and she narrows her eyes at me, and I'm afraid I'm about to get my hair torn out. "You weren't even together."

"We were always together." She says ruthlessly.

"Well I didn't really want Max, but you know your guy is crazy good looking. I'd have to have been blind not to notice him."

"Well, Fisher might have said he wanted me, but trust me. It was you... from the beginning and it's still you. And it's more than just because he likes how you look. At Grambling when Carson was with that girl, I looked at Fisher one time and the way he was looking at you... it was like his heart was breaking more than yours because he thought you'd gotten hurt because of something he'd done." She says sympathetically. "And if I don't miss my guess, that's why he didn't make a move with you afterwards. He was afraid you were just acting out of hurt, and he wouldn't think of taking advantage of you like that."

I nod and then say, "But this is all so stupid! I'm leaving for college in four months. The last thing on earth I need is to fall for someone now when I'm about to leave."

"But what if Fisher is it for you?"

I shake my head. "I think you and Max have filled the 'we fell in love in high school and lived happily ever after' quota for our classes. Why should I let something happen with Fisher just so that in a few months we can break each other's hearts? And it would break my heart. When Carson left for college, I moped for about two days and then I was fine. I didn't date anyone else because I was hanging out with Fisher all the time. I know that now. But when Fisher stopped talking to me after the kiss, I almost died. I lay in my room listening to sad music and staring at the ceiling until... until he came to see me at work, and we patched things up."

"And then you showed up at a party with Carson and he was wearing Taylor Marsh like a cheap suit."

I laugh ruefully. "But he was my best friend again. I would love to have everything with Fisher, but I don't see how that's possible. So instead, I'm going to have what I can get and be happy with it. He means that much to me."

"Max and I tried being friends once. It lasted for about two weeks." She says with a superior sigh.

I shrug. "Well, I guess being friends is one way that Fisher and I make a better couple than you and Max."

She grunts as we start out of the bathroom, and she says, "Oh please. No one makes a better couple than me and Max. By the way, how was that kiss with Fisher?"

I sigh. "Oh, so much better than remarkable."

"I guess he does know what he's doing."

"So where are you guys going when you leave here until everyone meets for breakfast?" I ask as we move toward the table.

Belle shrugs. "I guess maybe we'll just drive around or go to the boat or something."

I elbow her and say, "Does everyone hook up on Carson's stepdad's boat?"

Belle blushes and says, "Maybe you and Fisher should go."

I laugh as Max takes her hand and twirls her onto the dance floor. Fisher puts his hand against my back and guides me toward our table.

"The night's almost over. Don't you want to have one more dance?" I ask.

"I do but if you'll wait just a minute, I think the band is going to play a really good song." He says, and I squint, trying to figure out what song it could be. And then the piano starts the first bars of Chances Are and Fisher says, "I do believe they're..."

"Playing our song." I finish for him, as he takes my hand and we walk toward the dance floor. Once his arms are around me, I feel like all the stupid things I worry about are just that; stupid. Who cares if I'm leaving in a few months? Right now, I'm the only place I want to be, and I want to hold on to that for as long as I can.

There's hardly anyone left by the time the song ends. Even Belle and Max have disappeared, and it's obvious that prom is winding down. When it's over I lean back and look at Fisher and ask, "So we have a few hours to kill until breakfast. Do you have anything planned?"

He grins, for once seeming less than sure of himself, and says, "Would you think I was sleazy if I told you I'd gotten a room upstairs?"

"I'd think you were brilliant."

We hurry upstairs, and Fisher stops at the door to our room. He slides in the key and opens the door when it turns green. Then he kisses the back of my neck and the tingles reach all the way to my toes. "I love your short hair. It's made me think about doing this all night."

"I like how your mind works, Barnes." I reply as he flips on the switch and floods the room with light. "Although I hope you've been thinking of more than that."

"You have no idea. And I'm just glad we can finally admit that something is going on with us." He says, sliding his hands around my waist and pulling me back against him.

"Oh Fisher, be honest, there's always been something going on with us." I tease, leaning into him and turning my head to let his lips find mine.

Once we're together we waste no time in making up for all the time we've missed out on. But despite our eagerness it's like we're both aware that there's no real rush; that this will be one time of many times.

I couldn't say who takes the lead, but in a moment, we're on the bed and Fisher is kissing me everywhere and it's so much better than I imagined. Then just as his hand unhooks the strap at the back of my dress my phone rings.

"Ignore it." He pleads against my collar bone.

"I can't. My parents are out of town and my sisters are all over the place with friends. We promised to answer our phones no matter what." I tell him, but I fully expect it'll be Belle wanting to make sure we're still meeting them for breakfast. I look at Fisher and suddenly the idea of leaving this room in a few hours seems like one of those stupid things I was thinking about earlier.

Instead it's my mom and I groan inwardly. "Hello?"

"Sweetie I'm so sorry to bother you during your prom, but things are really bad here. I need you to get your sisters and come here."

"How bad?" I ask nervously, thankful that Fisher can't understand what I'm saying. I knew when they planned this trip it was specifically to see Alex when I couldn't come with them, but I wasn't expecting this.

"It's bad. He's missing. Get your sisters and come here. I'm not sure when we'll be able to come home."

I hang up after a few more details and I stand without explanation and begin fixing my dress.

"What's wrong?" Fisher asks.

"This isn't going to happen. I have to go." I say coldly.

"Okay, tell me where you have to go, and I'll take you there."

"There's a problem with my brother." I explain vaguely, wanting more than anything to tell Fisher everything, but knowing that's out of the question.

"In Panama City? That's no problem. I can fly you there and go with you."

"No!" I say, a little too harshly. "It's fine. I'll call a cab to take me home and change and then I have to get my sisters and go." I say, reaching for my handbag and making sure I have my debit card.

"Torie wait!" Fisher says, grabbing my arm, but I jerk away angrily.

"Don't touch me!" I say vehemently. "Look, I'm sorry, okay. I know prom night is supposed to bring with it a guarantee of sex, but it's not happening tonight."

I reach for the door and Fisher says, "So that's all this was for you; prom night sex?"

I shrug steeling myself against the flood of emotions and the way his face looks, for once unable to hide the rejection he's feeling. "Come on Fisher. You forget that I know you as well as anyone. One-night stands are all you're capable of. So, when I wanted a one-night stand, who else would I call?"

Belle

July 2010

"I would say you and Carson need to get a room, but I get the distinct impression that the audience is part of the thrill." I scold, dragging Torie away from the crowd at our first opportunity. "My God, you've turned into a regular exhibitionist."

"Oh, give it a rest." Torie bites back.

"I thought Hayden and Georgia were obnoxious but you're making them look positively PG." I argue. It's Max's welcome home party, and everyone is together on Hayden's land enjoying the water and sun. I want nothing more than to focus on him, but my friends' unsavory behavior is making that impossible.

"All we've done is kiss." She protests.

"And hang on him like second skin... And don't think I didn't notice that it started the second Fisher came over the hill. What happened at prom? I know you two got a room and neither of you showed up for breakfast. Then Fisher went back to Foley without even coming by Max's and you missed a week's school... and Fisher hasn't been around since, until now."

"Nothing happened. I had a family emergency and left town and Fisher and I... let's just say I remembered who we are and so did he."

"And Carson? How does he figure into this?"

She shakes her head. "I told you before that Carson is just..."

"Yeah. I know." I say with disgust. "But are you sure he knows that?"

"Yes." She says angrily. "Carson and I had a nice long talk at the beginning of summer about Grambling and Christmas..."

"And Fisher?" I interrupt.

"Please leave Fisher out of this." She says almost tearfully. "Do you want me to say it? Fine, yes, I'm using my first love Carson to push Fisher away. Call me conceited but I don't think Carson minds too much. And I know that I've hurt Fisher and I'm hurting him more right now, but I'm doing it for him. I can't be what he deserves and he's just... Fisher enough to try to wait me out. But I can't guarantee that I'm ever going to change."

"At prom you said that you'd rather have him as your best friend than not at all. But he's hardly looked at you... except to glare at you and Carson behind your backs. So, where does that leave your friendship?"

She shakes her head. "I got greedy. I decided I did want everything. And I ended up with nothing."

Max

It's late in the afternoon. Belle and Georgia are laying out on the pier. Normally ogling Belle in a swimsuit is a high priority of mine but doing it in front of her dad loses some of the appeal. Meanwhile Carson and Torie have disappeared... not a minute too soon, and Hayden has banished me from the grill since the party is in my honor. So, I've taken this opportunity to go out in the canoe with Fisher.

"Fishing with Fisher; that's got to be a first." I tease.

"Yeah, I'd never held a rod and reel till last summer when I went with Carson, Avery and Hayden." He says distractedly. I don't have to wonder what he's distracted by.

We sit silently for a few minutes. I cast out about 15 feet from the boat and reel it in slowly. I get a hit but come up empty. "So, are you doing okay?"

"I guess that depends on who's asking." He says bitterly, reeling in and then casting out again.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask defensively and then pull in my line to find something has nibbled off all my bait.

"Am I talking to my good friend Max or am I talking to Max; Carson's cradle to grave best friend?"

"That's not fair."

"Look I get it. You've been a good friend to me; you both have, and I know I can count of you to have my back. But if it ever comes to taking sides, we both know where you'll land. It is what it is."

"And why would it come to taking sides?" I ask, and he glares at me, so I say, "So this is about Torie?"

He stares across the water for a while before he finally says. "How much do you know?"

"I know you two sure didn't look like friends at prom. I know whatever's going on between them today has nothing to do with Carson, and I imagine, everything to do with you. I know they had a long talk at the beginning of summer about their relationship, or lack thereof. And I know you're a long way from okay."

He sighs. "It was prom night, and she was beautiful. We're just really good friends who happen to have great chemistry and we got caught up in things, you know."

"Really good friends with great chemistry? Sounds a lot like Hayden and Georgia to me, and they're who everyone wants to be." I say truthfully.

He shakes his head.

"Not me." He says before casting out again. "Look, don't be mad at Torie about this. She's just the first one of us to put on the brakes, but it was the right thing to do. I had no business even trying to be with her. And you want to know something else, I wish this thing with Carson and her was for real. Carson's a good guy; one of the best guys I know. She should be with someone like him."

I nod and say, "You're right. Carson is a good guy. And he's my best friend. But this past year he's hooked up with everything that walks; and I don't get the impression that Torie cares. How many girls have you been with?" I ask and then answer for him. "Let me issue a guess. Aside from one ill-advised reunion with Taylor Marsh the answer would be zero. I think that Torie would be lucky to have you."

Fisher sits silently for a bit and then we watch as his line sinks hard, indicating something big. He starts reeling in and pulls in a beautiful red snapper.

"Speaking of lucky." I say excitedly. "That's at least an eight pounder. You know Avery says once you catch a snapper you've hit the right depth, so you should just keep at that same spot. Put that on the stringer and we'll add to it, take them back and I'll teach you to fillet and..." I watch him examine the fish and then throw it back. "Dude, that was a keeper."

He shakes his head and says, "No, He just got stupid for a minute, but no matter how much he liked the bait, it didn't mean he really wanted to get caught."

Lilly

August 2010

I can't believe I'm finally in college. I've always wanted to be here. My dad's older sisters and one of my older cousins all went to Wesleyan and now I'm here... in the same dorm I've seen in hundreds of their pictures.

On the other hand, my roommate is gorgeous; she looks like a Disney princess with brilliant auburn hair, and huge aquamarine colored eyes and a boyfriend who looks like a movie star. And to make matters worse he just drove over 400 miles one way just to make sure she was well-settled into her dorm room. Meanwhile I can't even get a guy to text me.

"So, give me all the gushy details." I say when she finally falls into bed, looking very much like the cat who ate the canary. I desperately want to like her... I get along with everyone... but right at the moment it's hard to think I'll find any common ground with someone whose life appears to be so perfect.

She smiles and has the good grace to look a little embarrassed. "Here's the thing. My mama is an alumnus and as far as she's concerned Wesleyan was the only option for me. She's very strong and controlling and most of the time I don't fight her on things; it just never seems worth it. But I wanted to go somewhere closer to home; closer to Max. But she would not hear of it. And she doesn't like Max, so he wants to make a good impression on them so he's encouraging me to just go along with her. Which I am, but as you can tell I'm not pretending to be happy about it. So, Max, the aforementioned world's best boyfriend, drove all the way from Oxford just to show me that we could manage the distance. So that's pretty much the gushiest part of it."

I smile despite myself; a sucker for a good love story, no matter what.

Belle waves a dismissive hand and says, "So enough about Max and me. Tell me about you. Did you say you're not dating anyone?"

"I'm never dating anyone." I answer, with optimism that contradicts my words. "I'm every guy's little sister or best friend and no one's fantasy. There was a guy at school named Seth... we dated on again/off again; more off than on. He's been at Emory for two years. We talk occasionally and still see each other when he's home, but... I'm mostly just his little sister."

"Well that is just ridiculous, because you're gorgeous and any guy would be lucky to be with you. Tell me about your family."

I laugh because one thing I have plenty of is family. "Well, my family is sort of like the Cosby's... you know affluent, educated blacks in the 'New South.' My great grandmother went to Spellman College back before it was common for middle-class blacks in Atlanta to go to college anywhere... I guess it wasn't common for blacks to be middle-class at that time. And my great-grandfather worked for the city... again before that was commonplace. My granny also graduated from Spellman as an elementary teacher and my Granddaddy graduated from Emory and became a lawyer. They had two girls and three boys and there are six granddaughters, counting me, and seven grandsons. My Granddaddy wanted his kids to go to school right alongside white people so both girls graduated from Wesleyan as did two of my cousins. My Uncle Jeremiah graduated from Georgia Tech, Uncle Ezekiel graduated from Auburn and my daddy, the baby, from University of Georgia. Unfortunately, he was the 'white-sheep' of the family; sorry, a little black humor. Anyway, he did the unthinkable and got a white girl pregnant... white trash, more to the point... according to my Granny. She and my daddy got married, but she left when I was thirteen months old. She called and came around occasionally for a while, but eventually she disappeared. I don't remember her. My grandparents kept me, so my dad could finish school. He was a history teacher and a baseball coach. I got that from him. I could have gone anywhere in the SEC on a softball scholarship, but I didn't want to spend my whole college experience playing sports because it rules your life. Anyway, my dad was killed in a car-wreck when I was nine and I lived with my grandparents after that. Granddaddy died two years ago and now it's just me and Granny." I tell her in my typical straightforward demeanor.

"Your family sounds amazing. I hardly know any of my extended family. I mean I know them, but I'm not close to them. It's just my parents and my foster brother Hayden. So, you lost your dad when you were only nine?" She asks softly. "That must be so hard... I mean, especially growing up without a mom."

I shrug. "My granny has always been there. I don't feel like I grew up without a mama. And I miss my daddy all the time; granddaddy too, but it doesn't do any good to be sad about it. They were men of faith in our great Savior, so I know where they are, and I'll see them again someday."

"Wow." Belle says with a hint of envy. "You're so strong... but not like my mom. She's cold and controlling. I've always thought that the two were mutually exclusive. I'd like to be more like you."

"You should. I'm very impressive. "I tease. "I'm here on a full academic scholarship. I scored a 32 on my ACT. I want to join the equestrian team and at least once while I'm here, I want to direct STUNTS. Do you know about STUNTS?"

Belle shakes her head, so I quickly explain, "It's a variety show that they put on every year and each class competes against each other. Only four students from each year are selected to put it together; write, direct, choreograph, the works. It's a big deal. Maybe we'll get picked together!" I finish excitedly.

"You are impressive. You've actually managed to get me excited about being here. An hour ago, I'd have never believed that was even possible. I love to ride, and Max had already scoped out the equestrian team here, so I'll joining that one with you. Now tell me about this STUNTS thing and how are we going to get to be on the committee to direct it. I just made Max a solemn promise that I'm not going to be mopey and I'm going to make the absolute most out of being here in college so let's get started. If I'm going to enjoy this place, you're going to have to help a lot!"

Carson

October 2010

"Who'd have thought, out of all of us, you'd still be a Gator." I say, offering Torie a greeting hug. I have an off week, so we've all come down to Gainesville for some Florida Gator football. Everyone but Fisher that is, who begged off for some dumb flight lesson. It seems like he's pulling away from the group. And I guess that was inevitable, but I miss him more than I would have thought.

"Well of course. Don't you know that's absolutely why I came here." She teases. "Come on. I've got a friend whose parents tailgate for every game. They told us to stop by and have a hotdog with them. Then, if we're blowing it out at halftime like we're expected to, we'll go to Mid-town, which is right across the street from the stadium. You guys can't leave without going to The Salty Dog Saloon and The Swamp." She says, and I don't miss how she avoids holding my hand and puts herself on the other side with Belle and Max between us. I don't know what that's about. It's true that last summer we had a good long talk about our relationship, and she put an end to any "benefits", but I still thought we were hanging out when we were together.

We make our way across campus to meet Torie's friends. Along the way she asks about Fisher's absence and I can tell she's disappointed. I know they got to be really close, and it kind of pisses me off that he let her down today.

"It sucks that he bailed at the last minute. Any luck selling his ticket?" I ask.

"It's a throwaway game. She'd do good to give it away." Max says. There's something about his tone that implies that he's mad at me, but I have no idea why. Belle elbows him, and he turns to Torie and says in a gentler tone. "I'm thrilled to be here. I've always wanted to tailgate in the real Gator Nation. I just know we'd all rather have Fisher here than whatever you might be able to sell his ticket for."

Torie shrugs, but I can't ignore the feeling that I'm out of the loop. Something about Torie has changed. More importantly, I feel like everything with our group of friends has changed and I didn't even see it. Two years ago, when we started dating, Max and Belle were neither one in favor of her, and truthfully, I know why. As they said repeatedly, she wasn't my type. But we invariably started to all hang out together along with Fisher and over time they began to accept her. But I guess I thought that when I went away to school, they'd all just go back to being the way they were before. I realize now that while I was away, everything kept moving. Belle and Torie have clearly formed a genuine friendship. They walk in front of us talking, and I turn to Max.

"So, what's up with you? Did I do something to you that I don't know about?"

"We don't think this thing with you and Torie is good for either of you." He answers immediately, and I realize at that point that he wanted me to ask what was wrong. I also realize that he's not speaking on behalf himself, but instead on behalf himself and Belle as a unit. Everything with them is "we"; "We think", or "We want" or "We're going to." My best friend is now half of a two-headed monster known as "we" which would be fine if "we" didn't feel that now that "we're" happy "we" can weigh in on everyone else's lives. It's very frustrating.

"Based on..." I probe because I can't imagine how being friends, and sometimes more, with the first girl I ever loved, is such a bad thing.

"Based on this whole thing where you're a couple when you're together, but when you're not together you're with anyone else."

"What's the problem? We both know the score and we're both fine with it. I don't see the problem."

"Okay, here's the problem. You both think you're fine with it, but one of these days one of you is going to meet someone, 'the someone', and then the one of you who's left is going to feel dumped and betrayed."

"It's amazing. I can't even see Belle's lips move when you talk." I say sarcastically, and he glares at me.

"I'm not speaking for Belle. This is all me. Belle actually told me it was none of my business and I should stay out of it."

"Belle's smart like that."

"I like Torie and I don't want to see her get hurt, but you're my best friend. I don't know how she does with 'casual', but I know you. You might think you're fine with this, but in your mind, you're still coming home to her and one of these days she's not going to be there. Are you prepared for that? Because if you're not, it's time you make a clean break before this gets any more complicated."

I search for a snarky comeback, but there's not one and I realize as we walk on in silence that it's because he's right. Sure, there've been a lot of girls since Torie, but not one that mattered. And even though I know I'm not really in love with Torie, I also know that I want something more than the kind of girls I've been dating. Torie isn't like any of them and that's what makes me want to keep coming back to her. The truth is I can play like a player all I want, but I'm more like Max than I care to admit and all I've ever really wanted when it came to girls is to be half of a two-headed monster named "we".

Lilly

July 2011

"Are you sure it's okay for us to just drop by without calling first? How do you even know Max is here?" I ask as we walk down the stairs to the basement where Belle's boyfriend lives when he's not away at school.

"I don't think Max is here, but he'll be here as soon as he gets off work. Trust me, you'd rather hang out at Avery and Claire's than my parents'. This is where we always are. We'll wait till Max gets here and then go do something. I'm so excited you came for the week. We're going to have so much fun." Belle says, clapping excitedly.

When Belle showed up on move-in day, I knew I'd made a terrible mistake by not insisting on meeting my roommate first. But once Max showed up that first night, she made a complete 180, and since then has become one of the best friends I've ever had. But I'm still a little unsure about being here with her and her friends for a week. Her parents are snobs who don't act pleased to have me staying with them. And furthermore, I've hung out with her and Max on occasion, and I always end up feeling like the proverbial third wheel.

Just a few minutes after we get there, Max comes home, and Belle is immediately wrapped around him like it's been months since she saw him, instead of the weekend it took her to come to Decatur and get me. Of course, if I had a guy who looked like him, I'd probably never want him out of my sight.

"So, what are we going to do?" Belle asks Max when they finally come up for air. "I promised Lilly we'd show her all around Grassland."

"Absolutely. I told Hayden we'd be out there I'm sure. And I thought tomorrow we'd drive over to Gulf Shores. Fisher can meet us when he gets off. I'm gonna take a shower. I'll be back in a minute."

He disappears, and I wonder if I wasn't here if Belle would be with him. I've never had sex which doesn't really bother me. I'm not married, and I've always thought sex should wait till marriage, but I've also never been in a real relationship and that does bother me. I find myself increasingly feeling like I'm on the outside looking in; like I'm going to get left behind and everyone else will know what I don't, and I'll never catch up.

Once the door closes on Max, Belle returns to normal and we begin talking easily about what we're going to do this week. Suddenly from the direction of the stairs we hear talking and we turn to see two more people groping each other. How'd I end up in this group? Actually, upon closer inspection, he's groping her and she's not protesting.

"Ahem." Belle says, clearing her throat.

"Belle." The girl I recognize as Torie says happily, crossing the floor to hug her. The guy behind her, who I know is Carson, does not look nearly so pleased. He's even more heart-stoppingly gorgeous than in his pictures.

"I thought you were staying in school this summer." Belle says excitedly to Torie.

"I am but I had a couple of weeks break between terms, so I came to see my parents." She explains.

"And me?" Carson says irritably. I don't miss that she looks embarrassed.

"Guys this is my roommate and best friend Lilly Etheridge. Lilly this is Carson Jennings and Torie Reyes." She says, before turning back to them, "Trust me, she feels like she knows you."

I laugh. "That would be correct. It's so nice to meet you both."

God she's gorgeous. I've always been intimidated by Belle's girl-next-door wholesome beauty, but Torie looks like some exotic character from a book. I suddenly feel so frumpy, not to mention short, in denim cutoffs and a ribbed gray tank top over my black and purple conservative tankini.

"Hey, Max is in the shower, but when he gets out, we're gonna go to Hayden's. Do y'all want to go too?" Belle asks and Torie and Carson answer at the exact same time.

"I don't think so." Carson says.

"Absolutely." Torie contradicts him.

"Well..." Belle says, but Torie fills the awkward silence.

"Why don't we go on? I've got a suit in my bag. Carson has to change too so he and Max can come on when they're ready."

The next thing I know we're all being hustled upstairs and out the door to Belle's SUV with Torie prodding us the whole time.

"Oh my God, what is wrong with you?" Belle asks Torie, when we're in her vehicle. "I thought when we were all in Gainesville you said you were taking steps to distance yourself."

"I am, or at least I was. You know I kept you and Max between us like armed guards that weekend. I thought between that, and when I went to Mexico for Christmas and he had to hear it from you he'd get the picture. Besides, he's the one who's sleeping with every blonde in the greater Louisiana area! How was I to know he'd been by my house and found out when I'd be home and that he'd be waiting on me?" She says defensively.

"Well since he had his tongue in your mouth one could say you were giving him mixed signals." Belle says, and I'm floored. Belle is always so sweet and genteel. Of course, come to think of it, people usually censor themselves around me because I give the impression that I'm naïve as well as innocent.

"Okay, first of all, his tongue wasn't in my mouth; at least not right then. Second of all, that's how Carson and I are; it's sort of like the way you and Max always hold hands." She explains, and Belle looks duly offended at that backhanded insult. "And third, I'm not dating anyone. I haven't dated anyone since prom, and you know Carson is a crazy good kisser."

"If you say so." She teases.

"Look, I'm going to talk to him before I go back and say that the whole friends-with-benefits thing has got to stop." She says with a note of finality.

"If you say so." Belle repeats. "Speaking of prom..."

"No, let's not speak of prom. I haven't heard from prom in so long I don't even know what to think of it so..." Torie shakes her head and leans up to put her head between the front seats. "Lilly, you must think I'm a nightmare. I am, but I try not to let on so soon after meeting new people."

"Don't be silly. You're all so much more entertaining than me and my high school friends. I feel like I'm on one of those CMT reality shows." I say and then think maybe that sounds insulting but both Belle and Torie laugh.

"Oh, we could totally be one of those. Wait till you meet Belle's brother and Max's sister. He's like the hottest guy I've ever seen in person, and she has a body that'll make you want to slit your wrist." Torie teases and Belle amens her.

"Hotter than Carson and Max? This I want to see." I say and don't add that if Georgia's body is better than Torie's I might just have to slit my wrist.

"And if you think these two are like being in a live-action porn..." Belle says, and Torie smacks her on the arm.

I laugh, but I'm secretly thinking that if I felt like a third wheel with Max and Belle, I'm definitely going to be a seventh wheel by the time this week is over.

***

By the next afternoon I'm having a really great time. Belle, Max and Carson and I are all at the beach in Gulf Shores which is gorgeous. Torie, who I like more than I thought I would, has bailed for the day, pleading that she has plans with her sisters. The second Fisher arrives; it all makes sense.

"Okay, so there's something going on with Fisher and Torie, but Carson doesn't know it. That's why Fisher didn't go with you all to Gainesville and that's why Torie didn't come today, right?" I ask, as Belle and I sit in the surf and watch the former teammates playing football in the sand. My God I feel like I'm in a beer commercial. I told Belle when I met her that all the guys on her Facebook page were gorgeous and meeting them all in person proves that the pictures don't do them justice; especially Carson, though he hardly seems to know I'm alive. "I thought you said Fisher was gay."

She offers me a dismissive wave. "Carson thinks he's gay, but I think that's just so he doesn't have to face the obvious fact that Torie is nuts about him and vice versa."

"So why aren't they together because Torie clearly isn't interested in Carson anymore?" Although how anyone could not want someone who looks like Carson and looks at her the way he looks at Torie is beyond me.

"That, I can't answer. Torie can't answer it. Fisher can't answer it. It's a mystery. He's a great guy. He insists it's his fault, and she insists it's hers and neither of them is very convincing."

"So, what are we doing for the rest of my stay here?" I ask, deciding I need to change the subject because the love lives of the young and the beautiful residents of Grassland make me feel hopelessly inferior. Today is Tuesday and I'm leaving Friday morning. Belle and Max are driving me home. I could have driven myself, and would have preferred to, but Belle loves my Granny and wants Max to meet her.

"I thought since it'll just be the two of us tomorrow, we'd go into Mobile and do some shopping and see the sights. I'd love to drive you over to New Orleans, but it's too hot to really enjoy right now. We have to come back next year for spring break. That's a good time to go to the Big Easy. And Thursday Max is off again so I figured we'd take Avery's boat out and just hang out on the water. It's the best part about living here."

***

Two days pass in a blur and Belle is right; the water is the best thing about this place. I can't imagine living somewhere with this view outside your window every day. Even for the people like Max and Carson who live inland, they're still minutes from this all the time. It's nothing short of spectacular.

By sundown Thursday night everyone is at Hayden's land; Hayden and Georgia, Max and Belle, Claire and Avery and all the kids, Torie, Carson, Fisher and me. Since Fisher arrived after work, Torie seems to be sticking closer to Carson than she has the rest of the week. If she's using him to keep Fisher at bay, Carson doesn't seem to notice or mind.

At some point Carson and Torie disappear, apparently to sail Avery's boat back to the slip where it stays and where Carson's car is parked. Soon after they leave, Claire, Avery and the kids call it a night and I can't help feeling like the odd woman out on a triple date. Belle is trying hard to make sure I stay included, but even she and Max, who are normally reserved in front of other people, can't seem to keep the longing gazes and lingering touches to a minimum.

Finally, Fisher leans toward them and says, "Okay, seriously, if we don't leave soon Hayden and Georgia are going to go inside the boat and leave us all out here to draw our own conclusions. I'm getting out of here." Then he turns to me and says, "You want to come with me Lilly?"

When I'm seated beside him in his 2011 Mustang convertible, I can't keep my gratitude silent. "I don't know what made you do that, but I couldn't be more grateful."

"Are you kidding me? I've spent too many nights being the fifth wheel with that crew. I know the cry for help from a hot damsel in distress when I hear it."

I'm very flattered that he just called me hot, but I'm not one to ignore the obvious or shy away from tough conversations. "I thought Torie was your damsel of choice."

He grins and says, "Well as you can see, Torie is very much taken."

I shrug. "That's not what I see at all. I think she's using Carson to keep you at bay because she doesn't think she's supposed to want you."

"Wow, either Belle has filled your head full of romantic notions or you have gathered a lot of faulty Intel in less than a week." He replies with a hard edge that I'm sure hides the fact that my words hit very close to home.

"My Intel is spot on, and you know it. Everyone at that party knows that Torie wants you and you want Torie, except Carson; cute but stupid." I tease.

"QB is anything but stupid. He's probably the smartest guy I know. He obviously has good reason to think that he and Torie are still a thing." He argues. "Besides, you're a hot girl from out of town and I'm a known player. How do you know I'm not planning to take advantage of you?"

I laugh out loud and then sober and say, "Because I'm just not that girl. Guys don't see me that way."

"Why?" He says curiously, and I find that I believe him.

"I don't know. Guys see me as a little sister type." I answer and confess, "I've never had a serious boyfriend."

"I've never had a serious girlfriend."

"But you're a player." I reply, and he laughs.

"Okay, you're right. I am a player... or at least I used to be. Before I met Torie and became a hopelessly, pathetic star-crossed lover. But if I were still a player, I'd be playing you."

"Speaking of playing me, where are you taking me?"

"Oh, we're going to Avery's boat." He answers like this should mean something to me.

"Didn't Carson and Torie just return it to its dock?"

"They did, but it's a universally known fact among this crew that instead of going parking you go to Avery's boat to hook up."

"Won't they still be here?" I ask.

He gives me a long sideways look and I realize that's precisely why we're going. So, they hot player is using me to make the hot Latino with the tattoo jealous. There are worse ways to spend my vacation.

"Are you hoping to make her jealous?" I ask, always too blunt for my own good.

He shrugs. "Well, looking like you do, that certainly is a side benefit to this trip. The other reason is that Torie tells Belle who tells Max who tells me that there's nothing going on with her and Carson other than just the constant making out we're all so lucky to get to witness. I'm just seeing for myself if she's being honest."

"So, you aren't planning on hooking up with me?" I ask, knowing that I wouldn't give in, but again mildly flattered if he's considering it.

"I would not be opposed to it, but no, not unless you feel very strongly about it. But I can't let you leave Grassland without going there with someone, and where else are we going to go? If you go back to the Carpenter's without Belle, they'll know what Max and Belle are up to." He reasons.

"I guess it wouldn't hurt to give them something to talk about for a change." I say with a laugh. I know nothing could ever happened with Fisher, but that doesn't mean I don't like him.

"Exactly." He agrees with conviction, before adding with a sly smile. "Although, for the record, I wouldn't be opposed to some tame making out. It's been a long, long, dry spell for me."

"Since prom?" I ask, and he gives me a half glare, half grimace.

I shrug and say, "I wouldn't be opposed to some tame making out either. My God, being around those six, I felt the need to smoke a cigarette."

"Okay, seriously? You're hot and you're funny... not to mention significantly shorter than even me. Why do you not have a boyfriend?"

Fisher

I drop Lilly off at just after midnight. I figure she's not subject to the Carpenter's curfew, even if Belle still is. I'm sure Belle is waiting to give her the third degree about where we went and what we did. I laugh and wonder if Lilly will tell the truth, half-truth, or truth-plus.

I haven't been drinking and I have to be at work at 9:00 tomorrow so I know I should drive home tonight to my apartment, but I catch myself driving toward Torie's house for the first time in a long time. I pull into her driveway and send a text to come outside, and just as I'm about to back out...feeling completely stupid, I see her dart out the carport door and running toward my car.

"Are you okay?" She asks, joining me in the front seat.

"Yeah, I'm fine. In the spirit of full disclosure, I made out with Lilly tonight."

She nods calmly and asks, "Where, when and why?"

"Avery's boat."

"Well that's practically mandatory." She teases.

"When... about five minutes before Georgia and Hayden..."

"Say no more." She says with a laugh.

"As for why... because I've spent one too many nights of my life watching Carson with his hand on your ass." I shrug. "I guess I just wanted to be the one who didn't go home alone."

"I have no right to say this, but Lilly's a nice girl. I'd hate to see her get hurt." She points out and I don't know whether to be insulted that she thinks I'd take advantage of Lilly or insulted that she obviously still doesn't understand that I'm not doing much of anything with anyone because she's the only one I want.

I shake my head. "It wasn't like that. It was just a little..."

"Friends with limited benefits?" She fills in the blanks.

I take a deep breath and say the words I didn't even know were dying to come tumbling out. "I don't like how things have been with us; I don't like feeling like you're using my friend to keep me away. I don't like it for him or me or for you; I know you well enough to know you can't feel good about that. I don't know what happened on prom night and I hate how it ended. I wasn't looking for a one-time hook-up and no matter what you said, I'll never believe that's what you wanted either. But whatever changed in the span of a few minutes... I don't care. It's not important enough for me not to have you in my life."

Torie's crying when she lunges across the front seat into my arms and it feels so good just being close to her that it takes my breath away, but despite that, I know instinctively that something's wrong.

"I'm moving to Florida; permanently. I've got a full-time job, and part time classes and an apartment... with my brother." She explains between tears. "The thing is, he has... some problems. My parents have tried, but there are six of us. They had to draw the line somewhere. That's what happened prom night. I knew what it meant when my mom called to tell me he'd gone missing again. I was freaked out about him and I wanted more than anything to tell you all of it, but we never tell anyone. I panicked and acted terrible. And then I didn't know how to fix things... or maybe I didn't want to because after that night I knew how impossible it would be to leave you when it came time for school to start."

I nod and stroke her hair, saying softly, "Do you want to tell me about him now? I'll stay here all-night listening if you need me."

She shakes her head. "It doesn't matter. It's just that I have a chance to help him; to be there for him and I really don't want to let him down. But that means changes for me. I have to get the right apartment, and I won't be able to leave him alone; at least not at first. My parents are so angry at me for doing this. They say that he's hurt our family too many times for me to throw my life away on him. But he's my brother."

"Torie, are you putting yourself in danger with him?" I ask, afraid of her answer.

She shrugs. "I'd like to say 100% no, but I can't. All I can promise is that I'll do my best to take care of myself."

"When do you leave?" I ask, hugging her tighter to me.

"Tomorrow. I just came home to tell my parents and Carson. I ended things officially with him. I mean, there's not been anything between us since... well since the night I kissed you after the Grambling game. I didn't kiss you because I was upset with him. I kissed you because being upset with him made it okay for me to want to kiss you. I know that he and I have been pretty extreme the last few times you've seen us together, but it was all to make you think I was over you. If it matters, we haven't done anything more than what you've seen us do."

"Well that was enough." I say, with a rueful laugh, but then sober and kiss her forehead. "It does matter to me by the way."

"I wouldn't have done that anyway because I didn't love him, but after prom..." She says softly, and her words trail off.

"I know. Prom changed everything, didn't it?" I say, and then stroke her cheek. "Was he okay?"

"Oh sure." She answers nonchalantly. "Trust me. He's not going to be spending many nights alone."

I offer a laugh that quickly turns to a sigh. "This totally sucks. It feels like we're breaking up and we've never even gotten to be together."

"I'm so sorry. That's all my fault I know." She says, her voice hoarse with more unshed tears.

"We both made mistakes. I knew how I felt, and if I'm honest I knew how you felt. I should have fought for you."

"When I told my parents what I was doing I was so certain. But now I'd give anything if I could just stay here with you." She says as she begins softly crying again.

"You're a good person and you're a strong person. You couldn't live with yourself if you had the opportunity to help someone and you didn't do it. And even if it doesn't feel like it now, you're strong enough for this. You can handle whatever comes your way."

"And if I can't?" She whispers tremulously.

"I'll be here at home if you ever need me; all you have to do is ask."

Lilly Etheridge

January 2016

"So, explain to me again why we have to see Max before your bachelorette party?" I tease, although I know the main reason is that we've been in Mobile all day doing last minute wedding things and she hasn't seen him in about eighteen hours; an interminable time length for them.

"I told you we're offering to bring Fisher's girlfriend with us." Belle explains.

"Fisher has a girlfriend? Isn't that going to be a little odd, bringing some girl to your party that we don't know." I ask curiously.

"A little... are you ever going to tell me what happened with you two that night when you left Hayden's?"

I grin because it drives her crazy. The abortion aside, she tells me everything that she thinks, feels or does instantly and she can't stand it that I can keep a secret... well I guess we'll see this weekend how long and how well I can keep a secret. "I told you we mostly just talked."

"Mostly? Mostly? It's the mostly part that freaks me out." She says as she pulls into the driveway.

I love Max and Belle's one-story, brick house and I can totally see them living here and starting a family. I know Belle is still a little shaky on the idea of having children, but I've seen her with Madi too many times to think that she'll really make the decision not to have a family.

"Ok, there's a shiny new BMW, a shiny new Lexus and Max's truck at our house so I'm assuming both Fisher and Carson are here already... or we won the lottery and Max is surprising me."

"Carson is staying here too?" I say nonchalantly. "With Max, Fisher and Fisher's unnamed girlfriend? Doesn't that all sound like a recipe for disaster."

"Well knowing Fisher, he probably assumed I'd be staying with Max and/or Carson would be decked out with one of his typical Stepford blondes. If we like her, we'll invite her to stay with us." She says, putting the car in park and jumping out. We go up the front steps and open the front door on a scene that can only be described as tense.

"Belle!" Max screeches, greeting her with a slightly desperate hug. "Look who's here. Torie. Torie is Fisher's girlfriend. Isn't that a hoot?"

"Torie." Belle says, her face the picture of stunned surprise.

Torie crosses the room and hugs Belle and then me. "I wasn't aware that this was going to be quite such a shock."

"Well you look amazing." I say excitedly.

Fisher stands too and hugs Belle and then me.

"And you, Fisher Barnes?" I add with a wink. "You're just full of surprises, aren't you?"

"It's not as bad as it looks." He says softly with a sheepish look on his face.

I smile at Carson who looks back at me with minimal interest.

"Well how did this happen?" Belle says to Fisher and Torie.

"Oh, it's a long story you don't want to hear right now." Torie says dismissively.

"I think we'd like to hear it." Carson says irritably, and I have a sudden urge to smack his perfectly, beautiful face.

"Too bad because she's coming with us to the bachelorette party, aren't you Torie?" I say saucily.

"Oh definitely." She says with relief.

"Yes, and Claire is expecting us soon, so we better get going." Belle says, regaining some of her composure. "I'm going to talk to Max for just one second and then we better go."

"Max, can I use your bedroom to check my hair? We've been running around all day. I know I must look a mess." I ask, starting toward the door.

Max sends me on my way, but I can already see him making his way out of the room with Belle. Whether it's a proper greeting after time apart, or a chance for them to discuss the developments with the guest I'm not sure, but I'm guessing it's some of both.

I walk down the hall to Max's, soon to be Max and Belle's, room and leave the door slightly ajar as I watch and wait for someone who better show up if he knows what's good for him.

I watch in the mirror as the door opens and he enters looking duly remorseful. He closes the door and crosses the floor to wrap his arms around me from behind.

"Oh, don't even start with me Carson Evan Jennings." I say angrily turning to face him but pushing him away in the process.

"What?" He says indignantly.

"You know how intimidated I am by her! And no wonder! You looked like you'd like to take Fisher's head off out there." I say with more anger than I feel as I attempt to hide the self-doubt that sill plagues me from time to time.

"Me? What was that little whisper-wink thing between you two? I know you snuck off with him once upon a time and went to the boat docks. 'Mostly just talked' my eye! I know Fisher." He mutters.

"You thought Fisher was gay, and l I've seen you and Torie firsthand. Is that why you don't want anyone to know about us? Because you knew she'd been invited to the wedding and you were planning a little friends-with-benefits reunion?" I accuse.

"You know that with everything I have going on right now, I can't spring something like this on my mom." He reminds me. "And we both agreed that we weren't ready to have Belle, and Max, and my mother in the middle of our relationship."

"Well that was before she got here." I say gesturing toward the living room.

"Oh please, you'd think she was your best friend." He bites dismissively.

"Based on what I know from the time that I met her before, I like Torie. What I don't like is when my boyfriend looks at her like she's still his property." I say turning away from him again and facing the mirror; wondering if I look as insecure to him as I do to my own eyes.

He wraps his arms around me again and kisses the side of my neck, and then my dark brown eyes meet his golden ones in the mirror. "Have I told you how incredibly gorgeous you look tonight and how crazy I've been for the last twenty-four hours knowing we were both in town and I couldn't see you?"

I relax against him for a moment and remind myself that 99.5% of the time we've been together has been beyond perfection. This is just a bump in the road. Then I say, "I'm worried about Madi coming with Granny. You know she adores you. She's not going to be able to pretend not to know you. How will we explain it? Maybe I should tell Granny that they shouldn't come."

"No." he protests, turning me to face him again. "Max is my best friend and Belle is your best friend and this is the biggest day in their lives so far. I want to celebrate that with you and Madi and I know you do too. We'll figure it out."

"I get it. I know that your life is on public display all the time and you want to keep things private until..."

"Don't say until. This is not about figuring things out or waiting it out till it falls apart. I have no questions about how I feel about you. But you alone know how much crap I have going on right now, and I just feel like if I start telling any of it, I'm going to have to tell all of it. But that being said, if you want us to, we'll walk right in there and tell them all; blow Torie and Fisher's big reveal out of the water." He teases, and I remind myself that I should never look directly into his dimple if I'm trying to hold onto any sense of self.

I shake my head. "No, we should wait. I don't want to take away from Belle's wedding. But don't think I don't know that the main reason you're willing to come clean is because you're so freaking competitive and you think we can top them for shock value."

He laughs and puts his arms around my waist, saying, "Yeah, but you love me for it."

"Sometimes." I say with a shrug. Lately he says these things more and more to me, and I know he's hinting for me to say, 'I love you' first. I do love him. I have since the beginning, and I trust him. Despite his good looks and famous persona, I know he's a really good guy. I'd never have let him be around Madi otherwise. But I guess at the end of the day, I'm not sure that I trust that he could ever love me the way that I love him, and I don't know how you give yourself to someone who doesn't feel as strongly about you as you do about them.

"I better get back out there before they realize how long we've both been gone. Call me tonight after the party?" He asks.

I nod, and he pulls me against him and kisses me, and as always it steals my breath, makes me weak in the knees and melts my heart. In that moment, I'm reminded once again that I don't stand a chance with him and I never have.

July 2015

The press event tonight went better than expected, for obvious reasons, but it was also a success in terms of work. We got some great footage, and it should make for a compelling segment. And the guest list; that was just icing.

Still, I'm ready to be home. I'm worried about Belle, I miss Madi and these Spanx are cutting the life out of me.

My phone rings just as I top the hill on I285, so I hit the accept button and prepare to answer, even though I don't recognize the number. My friends all make fun of me for answering phone numbers I don't know, but it just seems so rude to me, and not the way Granny raised me. Of course, Granny also didn't raise me to answer my phone when I'm going 90 mph on the loop, but I figure in this day and age, that's like basic survival. "Hello?"

"Lilly? This is Carson Jennings."

My heart stops, and I wonder if maybe I crashed a few miles back when that car swerved in front of me. Perhaps I'm dead and just don't know it. That's the only explanation for why I would just answer the phone to an unknown number only to learn it's my super-secret crush of days gone by.

"Excuse me?" I reply. It certainly wouldn't be the first time I've answered a phone and wished it would somehow be Carson Jennings calling.

"I am speaking to Lilly Etheridge, right? This is Carson... Jennings."

"Yes, I'm sorry... I just." I sigh and take a deep breath. "I'm surprised to hear from you is all. How'd you get my number?"

"Are you kidding me? My team went to the Super Bowl last year. I have connections." He answers and if I didn't know he was Max and Belle's best friend I'd be convinced he was a conceited jerk, but since two of my favorite people like him, I decide to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"Super Bowl season or not, you took three snaps last year. How many connections does that really buy you?" I reply with way more sass than I actually feel. Okay, the benefit of the doubt yes, but the benefit of me acting impressed when I'm not; never.

"UGH! Knife to the heart. I'm not sure if I should be wounded by that very low-blow or find it completely charming that you know that."

I laugh and say, "I'm good at my job." He doesn't need to know that there's not another back up QB in the NFL whose stats I could quote off the top of my head.

"Okay fine. I promised your camera man an autographed picture in exchange for your number."

"Your autographed picture?" I ask skeptically.

He laughs again, and it's a really good sound. I think back to the summer we met when I developed my ridiculous crush on him. I don't know if I remember him laughing this much in that entire week.

"Cam Newton's picture and I'm seriously rethinking this phone call. Before I change my mind and hang up, I called you for two reasons. First, to ask you not to mention to Belle the fact that I asked you out. I've had some pretty public dating debacles recently. I'd rather my family not know any more about my private life than they have to."

"Sure." I say, and I wonder if I'm giving him too much benefit of the doubt. I mean he just asked me to go to dinner, not a villa in Tuscany or anything. He's a back-up, back-up player. Who's going to care about that? "And the other reason?"

"I was going to ask you out again." He says quickly and this time he doesn't sound at all like a conceited jerk, but instead like the face that goes with that dimple. "I'm not gonna be back in Atlanta until the first week in September for a preseason game, but I'd really like to get together. What d'ya say?"

I look in my review mirror to be sure I don't see any strange sights like angels in flight or golden gates, but it's just typical Atlanta traffic. This might actually be happening. "Yeah I'd like that. I mean, my schedule is kind of crazy right now, but give me a call when it gets closer to time and we'll see what we can come up with."

Torie

"Oh my God would you just do it already." I scream at myself as I hold my phone in my hand like a weapon. Finally, I take three deep breaths, offer a Hail Mary and hit send.

TORIE - Hi. I hope it's not too late. It's Torie... BTW

And then I hold my breath.

FISHER - Too late for Torie... Never! What's up?

Seven words, and I'm too happy for anyone's own good. I respond quickly, determined now that I've opened the door, I won't lose my nerve.

TORIE - Did I see on Instagram that ur in Montgomery now?

FISHER - Yeah, back in school. Can u believe that?

TORIE - Good for you! I'm actually living here now too... working as a talent booker for the Coliseum.

FISHER - Sounds perfect 4u. Let's get together. How's lunch tomorrow @ 1 @ 7th street café?

TORIE - I'm there.

And then I break into my happy dance!

Fisher

It's been four years since I saw Torie; Four years since we said goodbye parked in her driveway and sitting in my car. I told her I'd always be here. I told her all she had to do was call. And sure, I'd held out hope for a while that she would, but after four years? In four years, I didn't hear from her once. Somewhere along the line I became convinced that I never would. I resigned myself to a life of fun nights and meaningless hook ups. It's not like I ever wanted anything more than that... except with Torie of course.

And then last night out of nowhere, in the middle of a supremely boring lecture on ergonomics, I get a text from her. I've known for six weeks that she was in Montgomery, but the way I figured it... she's the one who left. I left the door open for her; the ball in her court for as long as she waited. It was up to her to make a move if a move was to be made. Last night she made it. I intend to make the most of it.

And then I see her standing against the bar talking on her cell phone. I guess in my mind I've always pictured her like she looked in high school; not glamorous prom Torie, but every day Torie – jeans, Converse and a baby-tee emblazoned with skulls, crossbones and roses. But this Torie is something else; still a little dark and edgy, still unbelievably sexy, but now she's all grown-up with her hair pulled up in a professional twist that reveals her exotic face to be even more gorgeous. She's wearing charcoal skinny jeans, a black leather jacket and a crimson silk blouse with black stilettos. God, after all this time, I still love this girl.

Unfortunately, after all this time, just the sight of her takes me back to that morning after we went flying and all the confidence that I normally wield like a sledgehammer flees for cover. All I can remember is being seventeen years old and in love for the first time and realizing she'd rejected me before I even had time to try to win her over. Last night when I asked her to meet me, I had every intention of kissing first and asking questions later. But the sight of her now leaves me feeling not nearly so certain.

I watch as she closes her phone and looks around till she sees me, and her face splits into a smile. We walk toward each other, and when I hug her, I never want to let go.

"I'm trying to find a more articulate response than 'Damn', but I'm drawing a blank." She says, taking us back to prom night all those years ago.

"Yeah, right back at you." I say, but I sound suddenly nervous and stupid to my own ears. Four years ago, she was my best friend, and it only took one look at each other and we wanted to rip each other's clothes off. I was so certain we'd still be that way, but suddenly it seems I overestimated how this would go.

We find a table and we place our orders and then we start talking. She asks me about how I ended up in college and if I'm still getting to fly, which I am. She tells me about leaving Florida, but not why she left. She also tells me about ending up back in Grassland and getting a business management degree at the University of Mobile. It feels more like a job interview than the easy conversations we used to have.

Lunch ends, and we walk out in an awkward silence toward our cars. We reach hers, a late model Toyota, and I watch helplessly as she opens the door to leave.

"I'm so glad we did this." She says softly. "It's so good to see you."

"Yeah, it's really great." I say as she sits down. I'm just about to say goodbye when the absurdity of this whole thing hits me. I lean in the door and cup Torie's beautiful face and kiss her with four years' worth of everything I've missed. She wastes no time returning it, and if our conversation skills have suffered, this has just gotten better.

"Why the hell didn't you do that an hour ago?" She says breathlessly.

"Because I felt strongly that we needed to suffer through an hour of the most boring conversation in the history of us." I say, kissing her again as she pulls me closer.

"All I've wanted for four years is this; you. For six weeks I kept saying, 'He'll call today. Surely he's seen that I'm here.' I've updated every form of social media just waiting for you." She cries, clinging to me.

"For six weeks I've watched every form of social media, just waiting for you to reach out to me. I told you when you left that I was here waiting; that I'd be here. I'm here Victoria Rose."

"What are you doing this afternoon?" She asks against my lips.

"Taking you home and picking up where we left off all those years ago. Are you with me?"

"I'm right here."

Torie

I've spent so many years telling myself that what I felt for Fisher wasn't love, but now that I've spent the afternoon in his bed... and more importantly back in his life... the idea that what I feel could be anything other than love is ludicrous. I stop across the room and drink in the sight of him sprawled on his couch wearing nothing but well-worn jeans... a few of the buttons still not refastened from the kitchen a few moments ago. He's even sexier now than he was when we were kids with well-defined arms and abs that I can barely peel my eyes from. And if I loved his intentionally messy hair when we were young; right this minute, his unintentionally messy after-sex hair drives me crazy.

"So how are you in school full time, working part time and still living in this great apartment?" I ask, flopping down on the couch next to him, and taking the spoon out his hand so I can dip it into his container of ice cream. I blew off a meeting at work and he's missing a class right now, but this was exactly what we needed to get back to being us.

"You know I'm still a rich kid." He says, kissing the side of my neck. "I had it all figured out how I was going to make it going to school full time and working full time too, but my dad offered to help me out till I graduated. And then just to piss him off, mom kicked in the BMW."

"Brat." I say, turning in his arms and kissing him longingly. The thing about Fisher is that he's more than happy to take his parents' help. Why shouldn't he since they certainly never offered him anything else? But if they took it away tomorrow, he'd figure out a way to make it and be fine.

"I'm not a brat. I've always liked my parents' money, but I don't have to have it. I'm a roll with the punches kind of guy." He says truthfully, and as usual I feel like he's reading my mind. "The only thing I can't seem to let go of is you."

"Good, because I don't want you to let go of me." I say, nuzzling against him. I know it's a cliché, but if I never have to leave this room, this sofa and, in particular, this man it'll be too soon.

"Have I mentioned how much I like you in my shirt?" He asks, unbuttoning the top couple of buttons of the white shirt I put on earlier.

"Well I like me out of your shirt." I say as he rolls me onto my back.

"Really?" He teases, kissing a trail with each button. "I don't know. I'm not nineteen anymore. You missed your chance with that. I'm twenty-four. You have to let me come up for air occasionally."

"Oh, I have all confidence in you." I tease, running my hands over the smooth muscles of his back.

"Hmmm... I like you from this angle." He says, looking down into my eyes.

"Typical." I retort, leaning up to kiss him. "But I seem to like you from every angle so you're in luck. Do you mind that I let my hair grow out?"

"No." He say, wrinkling his brow and brushing my hair off my face. "Should I?"

"Well you always liked my short hair; said it was sexy."

"It was sexy. It was also sexy with the purple streak in front; and the time you went to that costume party as I Dream of Jeannie."

"Actually, I was Jeannie's dark-haired evil twin sister." I correct him.

"Whatever. You wore a high ponytail and you were so sexy I couldn't take my eyes off you. Any chance you still have that harem girl outfit?"

"No." I say, smacking his shoulder, but I hate that he reminded me of that costume party from high school. Carson wore an astronaut uniform as Major Nelson and we won first prize ahead of Belle and Max as Steak and Shake. Fisher came alone as Tom Cruise in a button up shirt, tube socks, tighty-whities and Ray Bans and he left early with some blonde in a mermaid tail whose name I can't remember.

"Where'd you go?" He asks, sitting up and pulling me with him.

I shake my head, afraid to tell him what I'm thinking, but not overly surprised when he figures it out on his own.

"You're thinking of Carson, aren't you?" He asks. I'm not sure, but I don't think he's jealous.

"It's not like that. I was thinking about what a nice, sweet guy Carson was, and what a cute couple we were and how I spent that night, like so many others... wondering what it would be like if I was with you."

He looks a little wounded by my words, but he shakes his head and says, "You're remembering it the way you feel now. You were crazy about Carson then. You might have wondered about me, but you chose him."

I touch his face and I wonder how honest we can be with each other. I decide to give it a try and I say, "Sometimes I think you chose him for me; you didn't trust me with you, so you found someone you thought was good enough for me."

"I think you've gotten a very romantic image of me in five years, but I'm not sure I deserve nearly so much credit." He says dismissively.

"Don't do that. I know you too well and I recognize that wall going up."

He shakes his head. "No walls unless you're on the same side as me. So, what are you doing this weekend?"

"Hmmm. Remember when I asked you earlier what you were doing this afternoon? Well, whatever your answer was, that's mine too."

"Well I asked because I'm going to Hayden and Georgia's this weekend."

"What for?"

"It's supposedly cause Hayden's friend Caleb is coming, but I think it's just an elaborate ploy to get Max and Belle to the same place at the same time." He explains.

"They're gonna get back together... I mean they have to." I argue. When I saw on Facebook that they'd broken up I was stunned and then even more so when a couple of months passed, and Belle was engaged again. "You know Belle and I were really only friends by process of elimination, but I've thought about calling her to just see if I can help. What do you know about them?"

He shrugs. "I know Max is a total mess. We've hung out a few times. Carson and I took him to Tunica the weekend of her engagement party. You know, anything to help him get over her, but he doesn't really want to get over her. He just wants her back."

I guess I didn't realize all those years ago when Fisher declared Grassland his hometown and all of us, by association, as his family, that meant he'd still be this close to Max and Carson. It makes sense, but it's that thing where you forget that life keeps going with or without you and they all kept on being them without me. I stand up and go to the kitchen; not because I want anything but just because I suddenly feel the need to breathe and there are times that my feelings for Fisher seem to just suck all the oxygen from the space around me.

A few minutes later he joins me and says, "If you're looking for a repeat of that time against the refrigerator you should know I'm fully recovered now."

I laugh, but then sober and say, "Did you know Carson thought you were gay?"

"What the hell? Where did he even get that from?" He says, duly outraged.

"Well you know, you have really good fashion sense and you actually fix your hair and you're a liberal and a pacifist. And you almost never dated the same girl twice."

"Okay so did Carson think I was gay, or did you?" He asks, curiously.

"Well... obviously not after we started kissing, but before that it crossed my mind. You certainly never made a move on me." I confess guiltily. I'm not sure why I even brought this up, but I suspect it has something to do with me wanting to drive a wedge between him and Carson, so I don't have to face my past. That makes me feel small and petty.

"'Cause you were my dream girl. But I slept with every semi-slutty girl in Grassland HS. I was with both the Martins on prom night."

I bury my face in my hands and groan. "Don't remind me!"

"Oh no." He says, feigning anger as he grabs me around the waist and spins me to face him. "You lost your virginity in my house to someone other than me. You do not get to be outraged by anything."

"How did you know that? I never told you that." I ask, slightly irritated.

"Carson told Max and Max told me. We're guys." He says in way of explanation.

"So, what, we had sex, and he ran and told Max and then Max ran and told you? Did Carson tell you when Max and Belle had sex?" I ask angrily, although I really think I'm just trying to assuage my guilt.

"Are you kidding me? The Clean Marine, kiss and tell? As far as we know they've still never done it."

"Ha, well the Little Mermaid talks so I know all about it." I say sticking out my tongue. "So, you don't hate him for thinking that about you?"

He thinks on it for a minute and shrugs. "He was wrong and now I'm here with you."

I nod and say, "Yes, about you being here with me. I'm not ready for them to know about us... Max and Carson. I know you'll see Max this weekend, but can we keep this between us for a while?"

"Sure." He says nonchalantly, but I can't help feeling like that wall's gone up again and it makes me sort of desperate to get over it and back on the same side as him.

"Are you sure about that? I bet you're going to run call Max when I leave and tell him we finally did it." I tease, not missing that he's slowly backing me up against the marble island in the center of the kitchen. I'm looking forward to seeing where that leads.

"Well you can keep that from happening if you stay the night." He says, putting his hand around my waist and lifting me easily to the countertop.

"Fisher Barnes, asking a girl to stick around till morning. Forget about it. I'm going to have to call Max about that one myself."

Lilly

August 2015

"A bouquet of tiger lilies? You've gotten a different kind of lily once a week for over a month. I think someone's holding out on us."

I smile at one of the office PA's and set the vase on the desk that several of us share. And then I slip around the corner and see that text message from Carson asking me to call him when I get a minute. I knew when that text came in, he was waiting to see if I'd gotten my delivery this week. It turns out Carson Jennings, with his reputation of being unshakable in the pocket, is like a child when he has a surprise. He can hardly contain himself until he knows I've gotten them, and we can talk about it.

I dial his number and wait for his answer. "People are really starting to talk."

"Too bad." He says softly. "I'm stuck here in preseason and can't see you so that's my only option. And you won't let me send them to your house because you're not ready for your grandmother to know about us."

He's right that I'm not ready for Granny to know about him, but he's the one who is so concerned with keeping us quiet. Which makes me question why he sends flowers weekly. Of course, he just signs them with a C, but still. If I were the kind of girl who wanted attention this would be an easy trail back to him. I'm not, but I guess it makes me wonder if Mr. Always-in-control is getting careless or if his instincts tell him to trust me. I sincerely hope it's the last option because based on what Belle has told me of him in the past, and more importantly what I've gathered on our numerous phone calls, I don't think trust comes easy for him.

"Well there's a segment editor who suggested that I've gone so long without a date that I've taken to sending myself flowers, so everyone will stop feeling sorry for me."

"You have a fourteen-month-old child. Do the math. It hasn't been that long since you had a date." He reasons.

I laugh out loud and say, "Okay, that was completely tacky. I think I'm starting to rub off on you."

"Perhaps. I think I've spent more time talking on the phone to you in the last six weeks than I've spent talking on the phone to the rest of the world for the entire span of my life." He says seriously, and I have to laugh, thinking back to the night after Belle left to go home to Grassland. He'd sent me a couple of text... one under the guise of checking on her and another just to say hello. So, when she left for home, I sent one to let him know. He called me immediately and we ended up talking for over an hour. Since then he's called every couple of day and we always talk for at least an hour. The good news is we've yet to run out of things to talk about. The scary news is we've not even been on an official date and I'm already half-way in love with him.

"Last night I was sitting at my desk working on a story and Madi crawled up in my lap and said, 'no talkie?' That's what she calls the phone. I took that to mean that my daughter has even noticed that I've spent a lot of time on the phone lately."

"I know at least some of those calls have been to Belle." He says and he's correct. "So, are they still okay?"

"Yes, it's so good to hear her voice sound like her again. I get a few days off in a couple of weeks. I think Madi and I are going to go to Grassland and see her for ourselves. And I want to see Max too. I know he's got to feel like he finally has his life back."

"I wish I could come with you." He says wistfully, and it shocks me. It must shock him too because he quickly covers with, "Although I still don't believe you were really in Grassland with me that summer."

"Oh, I was there, but you and Torie Reyes never came up for air long enough to see me."

"Well I'll just have to make it up to you next week when I see you for real." He says, and I fight to quiet the butterflies in my stomach. "Only six days."

"I can't wait." I say sarcastically, although I mean it completely. "I gotta get back to work. No more flowers Mr. Jennings."

"I make no promises Ms. Etheridge." He protests. "I'll talk to you tomorrow tonight?"

I laugh, and hope that once again my sarcastic tone covers the truth in my words when I say, "I'll wait by the phone."

Fisher

September 2015

I start up the stairs to Torie's apartment after I leave my Thursday night class. We're planning to watch the webcast of the Raven's game against Atlanta since according to Carson there's a good chance he might get some playing time. I would have liked to have gone to Atlanta for the game because he seldom plays this close to us, by Torie is still a little freaked out about bringing our relationship into the open... which admittedly still freaks me out, but I just keep telling myself that things are too good between us for there to be any real concern that she's anything less than as happy as I am.

As I reach the top of the stairs, I decide maybe I won't mention the webcast after all. I'm watching it on my phone and it's a really close game so it's unlikely Carson will get any playing time after all. After going to the Super Bowl, Carson was looking forward to another big season, but if the preseason results are any indication it's not going to be a repeat of last year's Cinderella story.

I'm not worried that Torie has any lingering feelings for Carson. I think we put those concerns to rest years ago. But I do worry that there's something about him that keeps her from wanting to bring our relationship into the open. But then sometimes I think maybe I just want to think that when the reality is that she's just afraid to trust me out in the open where everyone will know about it if I let her down.

I reach her apartment and try the door, surprised to find that it's unlocked. When I enter, I see she's on the phone, but she waves me in, and I hear her begin speaking in rapid fire Spanish. I can't translate, but I know her well enough to know by her tone that she's talking to her mother and that she's angry about something. Even though she has no need for privacy since I have no clue what she's saying, I decide to excuse myself anyway and head into the kitchen to forage for food. I love Torie and I love being with her, but I much prefer having her at my apartment. It's nicer for starters with a fireplace, exposed brick in the living room, a balcony overlooking Cloverdale Park in the bedroom and a completely updated kitchen. But better yet, I'm a far superior cook than my sexy girl and I buy much better food. In her kitchen, I find a jar of pickles, a box of saltine crackers and some diet soda. I pull out my phone and order delivery. Torie has a hearty appetite and loves to eat, but she sometimes gets so caught up in work that she forgets to. I, on the other hand, am a bit of snob when it comes to anything other than my health food, but we've both taken a long weekend off for Labor Day, so I intend to stay up later working off whatever calories we consume.

"I'm so sorry." She says, joining me in the kitchen, pacing around the tiny space. "I planned to have supper ready, but my mother... se está volviendo loco."

"I think I heard the word crazy in there, but you know it freaks me out when you lapse into Spanish when your mom is nowhere around. Now let's settle down and tell me what's driven you to a bilingual rant."

She laughs and stops pacing long enough for me to tug her against me for a long kiss. She sighs and says, "God you're so good for me. But I'm starving, and I suck at domesticity."

"I've already ordered Thai and as far as I'm concerned, you excel in the areas of domesticity that count the most." I tease steering her toward the living room. "Now sit down and talk to me."

She settles onto one end of the couch and I take the other, swinging her legs across mine and undoing the straps on her funky straw sandals and massaging her feet.

"Oh my God, that's better than sex... and as you know I'm a really big fan of sex with you." She says followed by a moan that she generally reserves for sex and suddenly I'm afraid this wasn't such a good idea, but I continue anyway.

"Is this about your brother?" I ask and she's silent, so I continue. "Here's what I know. You left Florida and moved home. You didn't even like your parents when you left. There's no way you'd have gone back unless you had to. I know I told you before that I'd listen if you wanted to talk, but now I'm not giving you the out. You need to talk about it and I'm the person who needs to hear about it... so start talking."

She takes a deep breath and says, "When Alex was thirteen, he was diagnosed with severe obsessive-compulsive disorder."

"What, you mean OCD? Like the way Carson can't sleep if his cans aren't all turned the same direction in the cabinet or if his DVD's are out of alphabetical order?"

"No." She says angrily, and I shrink under a hostile glare. "I hate when people describe themselves as OCD like it's a job qualification. Being OCD and liking things neat and tidy are in no way related. OCD can be a debilitating disease, and it can destroy a person's entire life; in Alex's case, our entire family's lives. It all started with small things; Alex had always had some tendencies... he'd get up from the dinner table to go and turn the silverware, but it wasn't necessarily about it being 'right' in any way that anyone else could see. The two on the one end had to be facing North and the two on the other end due East. And then the showers started, but he was a thirteen-year-old boy so long stretches in the shower weren't all that unexpected... until my mother realized he had places on his torso where he'd scrubbed until he'd brought bloody raw spots. My parents were convinced he'd suffered some sort of abuse, so they took him to a medical doctor. That was about the time that his fear of the number 9 began and also his whole obsession with times of day. Like mama had to put the car in reverse every morning to take us to school at 7:41. If she put it in reverse at 7:40 he'd scream, cry and jump out of a moving vehicle and the same at 7:42. If she tried it at 7:39 he'd go into his catatonic state; every 9th minute he'd shut down for a 60 second period. From 9:00-9:59 he went into a trance and you couldn't rouse him with dynamite. If we didn't back out of the driveway in the morning at 7:41 we had to wait until..."

"8:41?" I asked, mystified.

"Oh no, you might think that, but no. At 8:40."

"I don't get it." I ask cluelessly, wondering if I should just let her talk or ask questions to try to understand. I know Torie and I just feel like if she's talking then I should be trying to get the clearest picture possible.

"He liked patterns. 7 then skip 65, then 4, then skip32 and 1."

I think a minute and say, "Okay, got it 8 then skip 765, then 4, then skip 321 and then 0."

"Exactly. Of course, if you miss that one, the 9 hour is out completely and then we get to 10:50. Then just for kicks the pattern changes and it's 11:11, 11:22, 11:33 etc., and then 12:12, 12:34, 1:23, 1:35, 1:47. I know this sounds like I'm the crazy person, but this is what our family lived with. If we were going somewhere, we all knew that the clock had to say one of those specific times and God forbid a clock lose time and get out sync with his watch. Ever notice how I don't have clocks in my house? That was part of the behavior modification. My parents had to take his watch, get him a cell phone that would sync with a cell tower, and then we got a digital clock in the living room that synced with cell tower time, so they were always together."

She stops when the food comes. I get it and then return, watching her eat and wondering if she's really even aware that she's eating.

"There were lots of other things; endless other things. Nothing in our house could have a 9 or be in increments of 9. Camille's birthday is November 19th. We had to change it to the 20th. We couldn't have a dog, or anything that might upset his schedule. It was tough on mama, but I think it was worse on my dad. He's a doctor, but he's still old school about things. He thought it was just a matter of matching wills and he was certain he could outlast Alex. But it didn't take long before he had to admit defeat. They took him to every psychiatrist, put him on a variety of medicines... no change. They had to pull him out of school so mama could homeschool him. And all of their family, especially on daddy's side just kept talking to them about discipline. Everyone seemed to think that he was just trying to get out of going to school or getting a job... like anyone would choose to live their lives like that. Everything just escalated until he was seventeen. Finally, mama and daddy made the decision to send him to a residential treatment program in Panama City. It costs a fortune. That's why they ended up moving to Grassland. Daddy sold his practice in Ocala for quick profit to pay for another year of treatment, and the housing market in Mobile County is much more accommodating."

"So how did he end up in Gainesville with you?"

"On prom night when he went missing my parents said they were done with him. He was 21 and ever since he went to Panama City it was like he was self-sabotaging. He'd get better and they'd think he was about to be able to get a job and start weaning himself away from the treatment program and then he'd freak out in the middle of the supermarket because they had red and orange boxes touching."

I give her a quizzical look and she explains, "Red and orange can't touch; it looks too much like fire and he's terrified of fire. One of his obsessions is a fear that things are going to burn up." She closes her eyes and shakes her head, obviously steeling herself against one of the many unpleasant memories that this brings back to her.

"Anyway, on prom night my parents made the decision to cut him off. We barely heard from him for the next year. Then right toward the end of my first year in college he showed up and said he had been working and saving money. He was living in his car, but... I don't know. He seemed more like himself than he had in such a long while. He asked me to help him get a place and get on his feet. So, that's what we did. My mama begged me not to. She tried to tell me what I was in for, but for about a year, things were good. Then little things started; he couldn't go to work because a car with flames on the tag was parked next to him. Before long I dropped out of school to support us, but I still couldn't make it. Things kept spiraling, and eventually I had no choice but to walk away and let my parents take over. I moved home and went to Mobile and my parents got a restraining order against Alex. It's about to be lifted and they want me to renew it, but... I just don't know what I should do." She whispers the last part and I know she's too close to tears to tell me anymore, and truthfully, I'm not sure I can bear to hear anything else right now anyway.

I hug her to my side, and she sits quietly for a long time before saying, "That summer I spent in Mexico, you were all I thought about...all I wanted. I came home though, and you were so cold, and you pushed me toward Carson, so I went. And then the next day I found out you'd been there the day I left. I went chasing after you...determined to get you. But I saw Max and he was telling me what a good, dependable guy Carson was and how you spent every night with a different girl..."

"So, you thought I was like him... someone you couldn't count on." I say sadly.

She shakes her head. "I was wrong. Fisher I've never been more wrong. You're the one person I can always count on; the only person I ever want to count on again."

I nod, unable to speak for a second. "When we said goodbye that night, I asked you if you were going to be in danger. Were you?"

She's still and quiet... eerily so... and then she says, "Yeah, but I'm okay... that's all I can say about that now."

I nod and stroke her cheek, and she continues talking. "You know what the worst part is, that we can't even have good memories of him. My parents love him of course, but they've watched him hurt all of us and destroy himself. Marin and Ivy were six and four when he went away; they don't even remember him. Alyssa and Camille only remember him as the monster who dictated our lives and made us the only poor doctor's kids in the state. But I remember when he was just the best big brother ever."

"Tell me something good; why you loved him so much that you'd sacrifice so much for him."

She smiles slightly and says, "When we were little Alex always wanted to be a rock star. We used to stand on the back porch and pretend it was our stage. When he was fifteen, he found an ad in the paper for this sad old electric bass. He saved his birthday money and convinced me to save mine and convinced the guy to come to the house... during the times of day when he was functional... and he got it for my twelfth birthday and taught me to play so I could be his rock band's bass player. No matter how bad things got, we always had music together."

Lilly

"Okay baby girl, what is going on with you?" I ask, scooping Madi out of her crib and bouncing her on my hip. At fourteen months old she's never been overly fussy unless she was genuinely sick, but she's not teething, not running a fever, not pulling at her ears and doesn't seem to be in pain. She just won't go to sleep and won't stop crying unless I'm holding her.

"You Miss Priss are acting like a spoiled little princess." I scold, which make her grin and tuck her face against my shoulder. All it took was the sound of her favorite word, princess, to bring a smile to her face.

"Okay fine, little princess. Let's go snuggle on the couch and watch Frasier, but if you tell Big Granny you are in so much trouble."

She coos and bobs her dark curly head in agreement. Just as we get settled onto the couch, my doorbell rings and I jump at the sound.

"Who in the world could that be?" I say aloud. I guess it's because it's just us, but I talk to Madi all the time, just like she's another grown up. I'm confident it's going to make her smarter.

I look through the peep hole and gasp. "What is he doing here?"

Madi grins and waves her arm. She loves the doorbell because it means company.

"Lilly." Carson yells from the other side of the door. "I know you're in there. I can hear you talking."

"Just a minute!" I say, running around the room and checking everything and nothing at once. Finally, I give up and drudge back toward the door.

"Okay, so can I assume dropping by unannounced wasn't such a good idea?" Carson says with his disarming smile and exceptional golden eyes.

"Well let's just say I had really big plans for how I wanted to look when you finally see me again, and it did not include my glasses, no makeup and a fussy baby on my hip." I say stepping back and allowing him to enter.

"This must be Madi." He says, as Madi, who never meets a stranger immediately reaches for him with eager little hands. Just as I'm about to scold her he takes her from me like it's second nature. "Hello Miss Madi. I'm Carson, it's very nice to meet you."

"So, what brings you by unexpectedly... at almost midnight... when you're lucky I'm awake and wearing a bra."

He grins and says, "Awake yes, not wearing a bra wouldn't have been a bad thing... And I think you're cute in your glasses and you're beautiful without makeup."

"Thank you." I reply, distracted by how easily he handles Madi. I'm trying really hard to maintain objectivity, and he's not going to make it easy like this. "You're really good with her."

"You know I have little sisters who are eight and ten years younger and I was eighteen when Andy was born." He reminds me.

"I know but..." My words trail off because the only thing I can think is that a guy who looks like him with a baby on his hip is a lethal combination. "Anyway, can I get you anything to drink... coffee, a diet Mt. Dew, bottled water."

"No..." He says and then he shrugs. "We lost the game by one point, so I didn't get to play at all."

"Yeah I watched the webcast. I'm sorry." I say, leading him into the living room and taking Madi from him. She snuggles into my side and I'm hopeful she's finally going to sleep.

"It's fine, but afterwards no one was in a good mood, so they were going out to drink and drown their sorrows and... I'm not much of a drinker, but I didn't feel like sitting alone in a hotel. I was gonna call you, but I thought, wouldn't it be more fun just to surprise you? I'm sorry if it wasn't a good idea."

I shake my head. "Don't be silly. It's a fine idea. I was just shocked, but I'm happy to see you. The truth is, first dates are always so nerve wracking and since we haven't seen each other in six weeks it was like..."

"So much build up it was bound to be a letdown?" He says ruefully.

"Yeah." I agree, and he laughs.

"I think that's what I was thinking too. I could go back to my room and worry about tomorrow living up to our expectations or just come on over and... get it over with is not the right choice of words, but..."

"It works." I agree with a giggle looking down to see if Madi's asleep yet and finding she is. "Let me put her to bed, and I'll be right back."

I lay her down in her lavender and yellow room, and I pray she'll stay asleep. I stop at the door and listen, but it seems she finally out. Then I run in the bathroom, do a little touch up on my hair, dry brush my teeth so he won't hear the water running and slap some Vaseline across my lips. I eye myself critically in the full-length mirror on the back of the door. Black yoga pants hide nothing, but hopefully Carson is a butt man; if he likes me, he better be. Of course, if he's a boob man, I've got those too and they're on full display in a hot pink ribbed tank top. I shake my head and remind myself that Carson has seen me before and there was obviously something he liked, or he wouldn't be here.

I walk back to the living room and he's relaxing on my couch flipping through the channels and my confidence of moments ago flies away. He's completely relaxed and casual in jeans and a pale-yellow buttoned-down oxford, but he's also completely hot with the sleeves rolled up over his deliciously muscled forearms. I'm suddenly wracking my brain trying to figure out what he sees in me.

"Are you hungry?" I ask because I'm a southern woman, and a mother, and my answer to everything is food.

"No, I'm fine." He says, and at long last he seems a little nervous.

"Are you sure? I have leftover pepper-steak and rice." I argue, halfway to the kitchen, and watch bemused as he sits up eagerly.

"Like takeout?"

"Like from my kitchen; I fixed it for supper last night. "

"Yes please." He says with a grin that makes him look about ten years old and leaves me feeling in way over my head. He joins me in the kitchen while I warm up leftovers and we talk as easily as we do on the phone. Deep down I think I wanted not to like him because he scares me, but unfortunately, I find myself liking him more and more.

"This is incredible. I've never dated a girl who cooks." He says settling in on a barstool and eating with gusto. I can't help myself. Call it old fashioned or call it a cliché, but I love watching someone enjoy food I've made.

"Well I can't say I'm surprised. I've seen the kind of girls you date. They don't look like they eat, much less cook." I say with more edge than I intended. I wrinkle my nose and say, "I don't look like any of them."

He shrugs. "Neither do I."

"Is that why you're dating me... looking for someone closer to home."

He looks back at me and suddenly I see it; the steely resolve that took a skinny HS freshman and catapulted him to an NFL quarterback. It's not his arm, or his speed or even how he reads the coverage. It's the way he can shut off his emotions and deal with whatever, or whoever, gets in his way with icy indifference.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by that. It's just that I'm really having a hard time understanding what you see in me." I blurt nervously.

"What do you see in me?" He replies.

"Seriously?" I ask incredulously and watch as he shakes his head.

"Don't go there. If the only reason you're interested in me is because I'm a quarterback, then you're not going to stay interested, for long. And if I believed that was the reason, I wouldn't be here. "

"Fair enough." I admit. "Okay you come highly recommended from my best friend. "

"You too."

"You're a hard worker and good at your job. And that's not about you being a quarterback." I explain.

"I agree and again, you too."

I sigh. "And you know I have a thing for unattractive, uncoordinated geeks."

He stands up and I know he's going to kiss me. I know I should be nervous. I'm always nervous during a first kiss. But I'm not. I just really want it to happen. His hand slides around my waist and pulls me closer and his other hand cups the back of my neck. And then his lips touch mine, and I get it... what everyone talks about with fireworks and rockets. It's a kiss I want to last forever. It's not a hungry kiss or a consuming kiss. It's a slow, steely, calculated kiss designed to reel me in and make me want more.

I pull away and bite my bottom lip self-consciously. "And you're a good kisser."

"You too." He says, and he finally smiles, and at the sight of his dimple my nerves unravel. He strokes my cheek and runs his thumb along my bottom lip. "You have a beautiful bottom lip. I've wanted to kiss you ever since I saw you last month; ever since I walked in tonight. You're incredibly beautiful... and for the record, you've met my Mom and sisters. You're about as far from home as it gets."

I laugh nervously and say. "I don't do this... I don't flirt. I'm not coy. I don't know the right thing to say in moments like this and I'm almost certain that I'm about to say the wrong thing. But despite my best judgement, I like you. So, here's the thing. I don't... do anything but kiss."

He gives me this completely bewildered look and I add quickly. "No, I'm not some nut who thinks I had a baby without sex. Clearly, I've had sex, but it was a mistake. "

"A mistake?" He says with that same steely gaze, and I remember that his mom was an unwed mother too.

"Madi wasn't a mistake, but me having sex was. It's not how I was raised. It's not what I believe. And it's not the way I wanted to be. I was dating someone. I thought I loved him. And I thought the only way to keep him was to go to bed with him, so I did. And he ended up dumping me anyway and I ended up with a daughter I love more than life that I got through means I don't like to think about. I'll never do that again."

He raises an eyebrow, and I laugh ruefully. "I'm not saying I'm never having sex again, but I'm never having it when I'm not married."

He looks at me wordlessly, so I say, "I'm sorry for what I'm about to say but I have to say it. I know tomorrow night's a first date, but we've known each other for a while...peripherally, and we've spent at least a couple of days out of the last six weeks talking on the phone. And you showed up unannounced at almost midnight and that kiss was amazing. This feels a little like my understanding of a booty call, and I just want to be honest and give you the chance to do the same."

"You mean give me the chance to admit that I'm an oversexed professional athlete who flew over 600 miles and then drove across Atlanta traffic for a booty call that, trust me, I could have gotten without leaving the hotel bar." He says, and he's not smiling. He's looking at me with those eyes again like he's waiting for me to crumble.

"Okay don't look at me like that. God, you're the most impossible to read person I've ever met. And I really like you, but you make me nervous and I'd rather you walk out now and leave because I won't have sex with you, then later when you decide you don't like me." I say chewing on my bottom lip.

He reaches out and runs his finger over my bottom lip again. "Don't bite this bottom lip. I like it a lot, and I plan on kissing it again soon. And I'm sorry that I'm hard to read, but I can't change it. When you're nervous you talk too much. When I'm nervous or threatened, I shut down. It's my defense mechanism. So, that's your freebie about who I am, and how I work."

I nod, and he kisses me again, quick and sweet, but no less intense than before. "I should go."

We start toward the door and I say, "Go, as in, flee back to Baltimore away from the crazy girl with the glasses who won't have sex, or go..."

He shakes his head and rolls his eyes, but I can tell he's resisting the urge to laugh. "Go, as in back across this life-threatening Atlanta traffic to my hotel so we can go to sleep, separately, and then I can come back tomorrow night and take you on a real, non-booty-call date. How's that sound?"

I laugh. "Scary."

He stops at the door and holds my chin in his hand and pulls my face toward him and kisses me long and slowly this time. Then he steps back and says, "Me too."

Claire

October 2015

"Get over here and let me see it!" I say excitedly, grabbing Belle's hand and pulling her closer so I can inspect her ring. I gush, with tears in my eyes. "It's beautiful."

"Oh, don't you cry too! Between getting engaged and Grace being born I'm almost dehydrated!" Belle teases.

"I know Georgia and Grace are supposed to leave tomorrow, so I'm guessing you're here at the hospital to visit them?" I ask as we take a seat in the cafeteria where she tracked me down.

"Well that and because I wanted to see you. I know Max and I... mostly I... caused you so much trouble once upon a time. I thought you deserved to get to celebrate with us too."

"You sweet girl." I say sincerely. I will never forget sitting with Belle that day on the ride to and from Pensacola. I've never seen anyone be so scared and so strong as she was on the trip there, and so sad and alone on the way home. There was nothing I could say or do for her, and as a mother and a nurse that was nearly unbearable. I remember watching her the night of Carson and Max's senior season opener. When Max got hurt, the look on her face reminded me a little of how she looked on that ride home; like the thought of something happening to him would leave her once again terribly sad and terribly alone. I knew in that moment that my other boy had found the love of his life.

She looks at the ring and then holds it close to her heart before saying, "I've wasted so much time pushing Max away, but the truth is since before I was sixteen years old, the only me I've ever wanted to be was the me that I am with him. I'm just so happy to finally begin our lives together."

"The way I see it, you and Max have already had quite a life together." I argue, and she smiles and shrugs.

"We wouldn't have made it through without all of you... especially Carson."

"I seem to remember that my baby boy caused you two quite a lot of trouble once upon a time." I say. In hindsight I can see that the coincidence of me finding Avery at the same time that Belle came into Max's life was tough on Carson.

"He wasn't always my biggest fan, but once he figured out, I wasn't going away and that I could never replace him with Max, he got on board. He's been wonderful about everything; and we can never thank him enough for renting us the house. It means the world to us."

"Well I know he's happy to do it, but I don't get it? It's a nice house, but why was it so important to you?" I ask and watch as her face blushes to the roots of her hair. "Oooh do I want to hear this? Max is almost mine after all."

She laughs and shakes her head. "At the risk of scandalizing you, let's just say that a few months ago during a particularly low time, Carson left me on his couch, so I could get away from my parents and the stress of everything going on around me, and then he gave Max a key and sent him to come get me."

"Well played my boy." I say and then add, "I know that Carson is young, and rich, and successful and handsome, but I worry. I wish he had what you and Max have. I know by most people's standards he's living the dream, but I don't believe it's his dream."

Belle nods. "Yeah... I've felt like for quite a while that Carson has been fighting a constant battle trying to figure out who he wants to be and be that person instead of who the world thinks he should be. I think he used to go to one extreme, and now he's gone completely in the opposite direction."

I shake my head. "I know he's grown, and I have to let him make his own choices, but... it's just not easy, you know? But enough about Carson. I wanted to tell you and Max... I know that Georgia has done an amazing job raising Max and I know she's so excited about the wedding, but I also know she's going to be really busy with a new baby and Ryder so if there are any mother-of- the-groom duties that I can pick up for Max, I'd be honored."

I watch Belle's eyes fill with tears and I hug her again. "Please don't cry anymore Belle. I don't want you to get dehydrated."

She laughs, but it mixes with a sob and turns into a hiccup. "Claire, you have no idea how much that means to me... to us. I mean, Max couldn't love Georgia anymore and we would be lost without her and Hayden, but as far as Max is concerned his 'home' will always be where he was with you and Avery. You are such good parents, and all of us that grew up in your basement are lucky that we had you."

Carson

One minute and thirteen seconds; one minute and thirteen seconds of playing time and I'm celebrating inside. How pathetic is that? But one minute and thirteen seconds is the most NFL playing time I've gotten in three years so I'm celebrating. But the real reason I'm celebrating is because waiting in my glove compartment is a plane ticket that will take me to Atlanta where Lilly, Madi and one of Lilly's amazing home-cooked meals are waiting for me. I hit the showers and dress quickly. Thanks to a rare schedule change due to an upcoming Monday night game, we have an extra off day this week so I'm flying to Atlanta tonight. We're having dinner tomorrow night, but if my flight is on time, my rental is waiting, and traffic isn't bad, I'm planning to swing by tonight and surprise her. Since our date during preseason I've only been able to get back to Atlanta once to shoot an advertisement for Lilly's network. She pulled strings to make sure I was in it, but since I'm pretty much the 'face' of the Ravens it wasn't a tough sale. We were only able to grab a quick dinner before I had to fly back that night, but it was great. It's all been great from my impromptu "booty- call", to our "official first date" the following night, and the endless hours we've spent talking on the phone since then. I wasn't looking for Lilly and she's absolutely nothing like what I ever thought I'd want, but I've never felt this way about anyone and more and more it feels like I can't see my future without her in it.

In addition to the ticket I have to Atlanta for myself, I also have one for Lilly to fly to Baltimore for our game next month on the 22nd. I'm hoping she can come spend the weekend with me, and if things continue as well as they've gone so far, then hopefully we can go public. It's killing me not to tell Max about this, not to mention my mom, but with the steady stream of stories that come and go about me and various football groupies I have to be careful. I just want to be sure, and more importantly, I want to be sure she's sure before I put this out into the world.

I hurry out of the locker room well after the A-list players have exited. At an away game I try to get out quickly and, on the bus, because no one wants to wait on the third string to ride to the airport, but at home I take my time. I try to avoid the throngs of fans because it's never fun to see someone standing there with pen in hand, have them ask who you are, and when you tell them they put down their pen and nod your dismissal. There are usually some stragglers who will get my autograph and some teenaged girls who want a picture with me, but for the most part I try to avoid the post-game exodus.

"Hey number 12, can I get an autograph?" I turn and smile, not surprised to see that the guy calling my name is wearing a Grambling hat. I meet him halfway and he extends his hand to me. He's about my height, heavier than me, but in good shape for someone who looks to be in his early forties.

"Hey good game. Too bad that tailback ended your drive." He says, handing me his program.

"Yeah, when you're consistently as good as he is it's always a surprise to see that he's actually human." I say with trademark humility and lack of accusation. The last thing a good player wants to do is play the blame game.

"Well here's hoping you get some more playing time soon. You've got the goods; that's for sure."

"Thanks, but it's an honor just to play behind the guys who are in front of me." I reply, handing him back his program and getting ready to make my exit, but he continues talking.

"I've followed your career since college." He explains, pointing to his hat. "You had a great run at my alma mater, but I was surprised you went to the draft; not that you didn't deserve it, but just because you were a good enough player with good enough grades to have gone to places that would have been better vehicles. But hey... you made it work, right?"

"I guess so." I say politely, worrying about missing my flight.

"I played quarterback at Grambling myself... until my knee sidelined me."

"Bad break." I say distractedly, my mind already running ahead to the trip I'm about to make. If the traffic isn't bad, I'll be fine, but I can't stand here talking to this guy much longer or I'm going to miss my flight and I won't get to see Lilly tonight and that is not going to sit well with me.

"Yeah... I uh saw an article about you in one of the Sports Magazines. It had pictures of you and your family when you signed with Grambling. Must have been a shock to them for you go to a black college."

I shrug and decide that's my cue to excuse myself before this guy turns into a white basher. "Well I've got a flight to catch, but it was real nice meeting you."

"Was your mom an Ellis before she got married?" He asks, reaching for my arm to detain me from leaving.

"Excuse me?" I ask, feeling my blood run suddenly cold.

"Your mom; an Ellis? I think I might have worked for her parents one summer when I was in college."

***

"I'm so glad you came by." Lilly says, throwing open the door and flinging her arms around me. God every time I see her, I'm overwhelmed by her... her beauty and her innate sexiness and mostly just this feeling that whenever I'm with her I've come home. I hold her close to me, a little longer than normal, but she lets me. Just being close to her makes me feel a little less fractured than I have since leaving the stadium.

"I almost missed my flight and if I had, I wouldn't have made it by here. I'm glad I did. I couldn't have waited till tomorrow to see you."

"Aww, see I knew I left on my bra for a reason." She says with a wink, backing up to let me inside. I guess it's some sort of caveman quality, but I like her best like this; at home in her glasses and her number 12 jersey and shorts. She's always sexy and professional when I see her at work or when we go out, but this is my Lilly.

"Man, I just can't win tonight." I say softly, pulling her against me for what's supposed to be a quick hello kiss but turns a little desperate and needy on my part.

"Are you okay?" She asks, stroking my face and I want to hold onto that feeling of her hand on me forever.

"Yeah, I guess Madi's asleep? I was hoping to see her tonight." I say truthfully. Madi is a miniature Lilly and she stole my heart the moment she reached for me that first night. Lilly sends me videos of her and she's usually around when we're on Facetime. I have no doubt I could get attached to her in a hurry... more than I already am.

"Sorry, but I do have good news... I hope... I mean I hope it's good to you. I took off work tomorrow, so we can spend the day together; all of us. I thought with the way your schedule has been you would enjoy just hanging out around the house with us. But if you want to go out tomorrow night Granny can..."

I don't let her finish before I'm kissing her again, and she melts into my arms like she belongs there. When we pull away, she looks a little glazed in the eyes, and I feel shaky on my own feet.

"Whoa, we're going to need a timeout after that one." She says, laughing nervously and backing away from me to head into the kitchen. "Are you hungry? I've got ham and beans and cornbread."

"Yes, please and don't tell my coach." I answer following her into the kitchen. "And by the way, if my answer wasn't apparent, your plans for tomorrow sound absolutely perfect; just what I need."

"Good, speaking of absolutely perfect... a minute and thirteen seconds."

I grin because I know exactly what she's talking about, but I say, "I'm going to need more of a time out than a minute and thirteen seconds to recover from that kiss."

She blushes a little and says, "I meant, you played a minute and thirteen seconds tonight. That was great. You'd have totally gotten a first down if your gooby tailback hadn't fumbled the ball and ended your drive."

"God you're sexy when you speak football."

She comes around the end of the bar and hands me my plate and then wraps her arms around my neck and says, "Okay, I'm trying to ignore it, but there's something off about you tonight. What's going on with you?"

I sigh and take a deep breath, slipping my arms around her waist and pulling her against me. "I think I might have met my dad tonight... for the first time."

"What?" She says her eyes big with shock. "Are you kidding me? You're just now saying this. What happened?"

"This guy wearing a Grambling hat walked up to me after the game. He wanted to congratulate me and talk a little football. It's not uncommon for Grambling alumni to make a big deal over me because I'm the only one in the NFL right now. But he kept talking about how he was a quarterback at Grambling and following my career and then something about seeing an article with me and my family when I signed with Grambling. Then he asked if my mom was an Ellis? My blood ran cold with that because... because I just knew in that moment what he was about to say. And then he said, 'I worked for her parents one summer... I'm Charlie Mitchell and I think I might be your father'."

"I guess it's too much to hope that your father's name isn't Charlie Mitchell." She says tremulously.

I shake my head. "That's his name... not that anyone besides my mom and me and maybe Avery would know that. Only a handful of people even know he played QB at Grambling."

She steps closer to me and hugs me to her, and I don't resist it. My trademark "ice water in my veins" demeanor has failed me at the moment, and I feel completely unglued.

"What happened next?"

"I said, 'well thanks for coming over and introducing yourself, but I have a flight to catch.' He grabbed my arms and said, 'Can't you at least stay here and talk to me.' I said, 'Team security is right over there and if you don't take your hands off me right this instant, you're leaving here in a police car.' Then I walked away and drove to the airport."

"Oh my God." She repeats shaking her head. "You don't have normal human emotions, do you?"

I offer her what I'm guessing is a wobbly grin. "I do right now. I want to lock your door and hold you hostage for about a month and never have to talk to anyone else again." I sigh, and I know I'm unglued when I hear myself say, "And I want my mom. In case you didn't know it, I've been accused of being a mama's boy."

"Of course, you do, and there are a lot of worse-things to be in the world. My daddy was a mama's boy till the day he died." She says her eyes hold both sympathy and understanding. "If I'd suddenly met my mom after all this time, I'd be a basket case. I want to run to my Granny just thinking about it. You should call her. Or if you want to go to Grassland and tell her in person, I'll understand."

I shake my head. "I can't."

"Of course, you can."

"No, I really can't. My mom did not want me to go to Grambling and I think deep down it was because she was afraid that I'd turn into him and I'm not too sure I haven't done just that. I certainly haven't been the man she raised me to be since going there. I've dated a million girls that I didn't care about, and I've distanced myself from my home and my family because it made it easier for me to be who the Tigers and eventually the NFL wanted me to be. If I'd gone to Rice like she wanted me to, I'd be a nondescript engineer right now without all of this drama that comes with the NFL and I never would have met... that man."

She takes my face in her hands and says, "You wouldn't have met me either."

"You're Belle's best friend. I'd be escorting you in her wedding in three months regardless." I argue.

"Okay, that's true." She says with a shrug. "Tell me what you want. Do you want to talk about it, or do you want to go snuggle on the couch and watch TVLand reruns?"

"Snuggle... but I probably need to get to the hotel. It's late..." I offer lamely.

"Stay here. It's silly for you to leave when you'll just be back in the morning. I have a spare room."

I nod. "Or we can snuggle on the couch together."

"All night?" She says with a raised eyebrow, taking my hand and pulling me to my feet.

"All night." I say softly, pulling her against me again. "I need you next to me tonight."

Torie

November 2015

I fell in love with the Fisher that took me flying. And the one who sat in the car with me the night we saw Carson with another girl at Grambling... he was far more upset about that than I was because he felt like he'd put me there. I fell in love with the guy who allowed Hank Williams Jr., Metallica and the cast from Wicked to all co-exist on the same playlist and the one who was front and center for practically all my cheesy metal shows. I'm head over heels in love with the guy who wakes me up in the morning, just so he can hold me before the day starts, and the one who usually doesn't make it through dinner before he's pounced on me.

But right this minute, at karaoke night with some of my friends from work, I remember why I was so desperate to meet him before I saw any of that. I'm sitting in a booth nursing a cocktail and guarding everyone's handbags, always happier to be on the fringes of the action, while Fisher is the life of the party. By the time the night ends I know more of my co-workers will know him than me, but I can't blame them. It's not his good looks or even his great personality that attract people. It's his easy confidence, his boundless energy and his enormous heart that draws them in; it's what drew me in from that first day I passed him in the hall.

"Your guy is amazing." Keri says, sitting down next to me and sloshing a little beer over her mug. "He's insanely hot. His clothes and hair are better than mine which means he must have money. He's mopped the floor with these other guys at pool. And he talks music, movies and celebrity gossip better than most girls I know. If you tell me he's good in bed, I'm going to slit my wrist."

I grin and hand her a steak knife.

"Seriously?" She whines.

"And he cooks and flies a plane on top of all that." I add.

A girl I've never talked to, but think is named Meghan joins us and says, "Your Fisher is like a unicorn. I've always heard of him, but I didn't think he really existed. Adam is certain he's a closet case, but Trevor... who is gay... said as much as he hates to admit it, his highly developed gaydar is reading nothing."

Keri and I laugh with her and Keri says, "Please tell me just one flaw so I can go home and not murder Daniel in his sleep."

"Let's see... he has more clothes than me. He also takes longer to get ready than I do, and most of the time he's having a better hair day than me which is really irritating. And he's a total fitness/health food freak. I mean, you don't get that body without work. He's only an inch taller than me. And if I not careful, my waist size will be bigger than his."

She sighs. "Ish. I guess it'll have to do. Come on. Someone said you sing. Tell me you're signed up for karaoke."

"She is." Fisher says, coming up behind me and kissing me on the side of my neck and then whispering, "I want to see the look on these people's face when little miss booking agent for the Alabama Symphony Orchestra screams death metal at them."

I look up at him and smile. "My metal days... and singing in front of people days... are behind me."

It turns out I'm wrong and I end up belting out a Destiny's Child tune with a couple of other girls from work and I have fun doing it. I guess I hadn't realized it but for the last three months we've been in our little love bubble, seldom leaving one of our apartments except for work and school and even that seemed a huge imposition. I kept turning down friends at work who were asking me to go out, so they could get to know me, but I finally agreed today. I called Fisher, dreading his reaction, but as usual he rolled with the punches. Once we were here, I was reminded of just how social he was in high school. I guess I've always known I was a loner, largely because of my family and also because of my general personality, but I love that Fisher isn't and that he not only makes everyone love him but drags me out of my shell too.

Afterwards he pulls me to the dance floor, and I wrap my arms around him and lay my head on his shoulder. "How did I get here?" I ask myself, as I hold onto him. After a lifetime of pushing people away and putting myself second always, I don't know how I wound up here in the arms of this man that I already love more than I thought was possible. Sometimes it terrifies me to think of a life without him, and other times it terrifies me to think of needing someone so much for the rest of my life.

"Listen I wanted to talk about this weekend." He says, against my ear.

"Okay now I'm having fun tonight but I'm not spending my weekend with these people." I tease.

"Actually, I've got plans with the guys this weekend. The Gators are playing Montgomery County in the first round of the playoffs and Carson has a bye week so he's coming here. We're going to see Max's game and then they're staying with me and we're going to Tuscaloosa the next day because Carson got Alabama/LSU tickets. Hayden is coming up to meet us... if he can tear himself away from Georgia and the kids, that is." He explains.

"That sounds fun. I guess I can suffer through the weekend without you." I say, although the truth is that we've not been apart for that long since we started, and I find myself looking toward the weekend with dread.

"I thought you might want to go with us Friday night ...maybe we could have dinner with Carson and then go to the game." He asks tentatively.

"Well as interesting as that little threesome might be, I think I'll sit it out." I say sarcastically.

"You know we haven't done anything wrong Torie. You and Carson were together in high school. You broke up years ago. We're together now. If we don't make a big deal out of this, then he won't either." He says.

"Okay first of all I think that ambushing him at dinner and telling him about us, is probably making a big deal out of this, and second, how can you say we haven't done anything wrong? How many times have we talked about all the times we wanted to be together when I was with Carson?" I ask seriously.

"Okay we were kids; that's what kids do is look around at other people until you decide what you want."

"Is that what you're going to tell him?"

"Yes. And that I looked around a lot and you're what I want. I'd like to be able to tell him I'm what you want too, but at this moment I'm not so sure." He says, pulling away to look at me.

I look away because I can't meet his eyes, but I say, "Of course you are, but I don't know why we have to do this now. Things are good with us. Why do we have to mess around with it? I liked it when we were just us in our little bubble."

"I like our little bubble too, but we can't stay there forever no matter how much we want to." He says gesturing around him.

"Why not?" I say angrily, pulling away and walking off the dance floor. When he finds me in the hallway I ask, "Why can't we just be happy with us? Grassland isn't your home! It's not even mine. I thought it was about me! Why do you have to keep chasing after that place and that life? We're together now! Isn't that enough?"

"Of course, it's enough. But Carson and Max are my best friends."

"No!" I say coldly. "They are best friends. And if you're wrong, and Carson does think that what we've done is a big deal and it comes to choosing sides; whose side do you think that Max is going to choose?"

I watch him look back at me and I think for one second, I see a glimmer of hurt in his eyes, but then he shrugs, and the wall goes up, and he says, "So you're saying that since they're not my real friends it's not a big deal if I lie to them and hide the most important thing in my life from them?"

"Fisher don't do that. Don't pull away from me. I can see you shutting me out right before my eyes. Please, don't make this the thing that tears us apart."

He shakes his head. "I'm just thinking about all those years you said we were best friends and you were hiding all the most important things in your life. It makes me wonder how much this can really mean to you after all."

I reach for him, but he steps away and I see that wall get even more impenetrable. "Come on. I'm ready to go home. Are you coming with me?"

"Do you want me to come with you?" I ask quietly.

He shrugs. "Why not? You know meaningless hookups are my strong point."

Fisher

"That kid has really fast hands." I say, pointing out Max's star receiver as he eludes a tackle and makes an impressive reception for a gain of nineteen yards putting the Gators in the red zone.

""I'll make him think, fast hands. That's Caity's boyfriend." Carson sneers at me, and I laugh ruefully.

"Got you QB." I tease punching him in the arm and then taking in the hounds-tooth newsboy cap he's got pulled low over his eyes and paired with his Gator hoody. "And if I haven't mentioned it, you look completely stupid in that hat. Are we hiding out from the paparazzi or are you experimenting with your wardrobe? Cause face it dude; you don't have my fashion sense."

He yanks it off irritably and says, "Ok first of all, when the line for the autographs and photos form, you'll be sorry for making fun of me. And second it's not my fault that you have an advantage when it comes to the fashion sense thing."

"You mean because I'm gay?" I ask.

Mr. Iceman looks at me with unflinching calm...but sixteen games in the huddle with him have taught me that the more something throws him off balance, the calmer he looks to the outward observer.

Finally, he speaks. "So, are you?"

I roll my eyes and say, "Sorry to disappoint you, but if I'm on your bucket list you're going to be waiting a long time. I'm just a well-dressed straight guy."

"So, all the 'conquests' were for real?" He asks, making quotes with his fingers.

"Okay unless you want me to ask if you're gay, lose the air quotes. And yes, it all happened. I didn't even change the names to protect the innocent. And you're one to talk. My sources tell me you've been quite indiscriminate yourself. I'm betting in recent years you've got better stories to tell than me."

He shakes his head and both of our attention is pulled back to the field where the Gators just got six. "Our boy is making his run for a state ring and instead of watching him we're talking about relationships. I'm thinking we both need to turn in our man cards."

"Okay first of all, win or lose, our boy is getting a wedding ring from Belle Carpenter. We both know that's all he really cares about." I point out before continuing, "And second we were talking about wild, freaky, dirty hook ups. There's nothing more masculine than that."

Carson laughs ruefully and says, "Dirty hook ups... that's what makes the world go around, right?"

I look at him and for the second time tonight I think he's hiding something, but then I remind myself that I'm hiding something so maybe I'm putting my feelings on him.

"By the way, who told you I thought you might be gay?" He asks as the crowd erupts with cheers when the Gators get the two-point conversion and go up by four with two minutes left in the game.

I realize that this is it; my perfect opportunity to tell him about me and Torie. I sincerely believe I'm right. Carson and I go way back. Torie was just a hot girl he happened to lose his virginity to back in high school. All I have to do is say it quick and matter of fact and by the time Max catches up to us after the game it'll be something we laugh about.

But there's a small part of me that wonders if I'm wrong. What if he still wants her? What if there's a reason Torie doesn't want him to know? What if he slugs me in front of all these people and then Max joins him? I haven't been in a good brawl in a while. Meanwhile, Carson has packed on some serious biceps and the clean marine has always scared me a little.

And then of course there's a possibility I don't even have anything to tell. She left from the bar the other night and she hasn't answered my texts for a couple of days. Maybe she's taken the problem out of my hands.

So, I look at the guy who's one of my two best friends, whether I'm one of his best friends or not, and I shrug. "You know how it is. People talk."

Max

I'm marrying Belle in less than three months, but whenever I come in the Carpenter's house, I still feel a lot like that high school senior who walked in seven years ago on wobbly knees and declared my undying devotion to her. Since then I've realized that I didn't know the first thing about devotion then. But whatever Belle and I lacked in maturity we made up for in puppy love, hormones and dumb luck. And somewhere along the way we grew into those feelings and much more.

But one thing that hasn't changed is that anytime I walk into a room and catch my first glimpse of her she still takes my breath away; especially here in the sunroom where on that first night it all started.

"You're home." She says, standing to cross the floor to me. "I missed you. How was your boy's weekend?"

"It totally sucked." I say tugging her against me for a long 'I missed you more' kiss. "Hayden called Georgia forty times. Carson spent the whole-time texting someone and he ended up having Fisher fly him to Atlanta where he could catch a flight home. And I don't know what was going on with Fisher. He was moody, broody all weekend. I would have had a way better time at the house watching the game with you. And we could have at least made out through halftime."

"Through halftime and all the commercials." She argues, standing on tiptoes to kiss the side of my neck and behind my ear.

"Well I don't know about that." I argue. "I mean, someone is withholding, after all."

"Yes, I am withholding." She says, trailing kisses along my jawline. "But you know how I love a good game. And my guy coached a heck of a good game last night and I came home on a pep-bus with a bunch of girls instead of getting to celebrate with him. And then the Tide rolled all over LSU and my resolve was feeling really weak, but my guy wasn't here to enjoy it."

"You are vicious." I protest, picking her up with one arm and stumbling toward the couch.

"Hey." She giggles with weak protest. "I'm still withholding, and my parents are definitely just upstairs.

"Whatever." I argue. "You withheld for a year and your parents were frequently upstairs, but it never stopped us from making out like crazy every chance we got."

"Well, I guess my star player did win the big game last night. Nice job with those receivers by the way." She teases, pulling me toward her. "And I am, after all, the cheerleader sponsor. What kind of cheer-example would I be if I didn't give you the hero's welcome you so richly deserved?"

"And to think, I chose to spend the weekend with a couple of whiney guys who think meaningless hook-ups with random girls are the meaning of life."

"Are you saying I'm the meaning of life?" She asks, cocking her head at me and offering a grin that makes her look just like she did at fifteen.

I kiss her on the forehead and answer truthfully, "You are for me."

Fisher

I look at the key on my keyring and I think of using it, but instead I decide that under the circumstances it would be better if I just knocked.

Torie answers after just a second, opening the door just enough for me to see her face, but I can't miss the flash of relief that I see in her deep brown eyes. "Fisher, I'm really glad to see you. I wasn't sure what your plans were. "

"Actually, we drove back right after the game. Hayden was having family withdrawals and Carson had something going on. I ended up flying him to Atlanta, so he could catch a flight to Baltimore." I say, waiting for her to step aside and let me in, but when she doesn't, I finally say, "Can I come in?"

"I'm really glad to see you, but this isn't a good time." She argues. "Can I come over tomorrow afternoon. I really want to talk to you."

I shake my head. "No... I mean... what I have to say won't take long and it can't wait till tomorrow. If you still want me to leave afterwards, I'll go and if you have anything left to say to me, I'll see you tomorrow, but right now I need to talk."

She nods, but there's no way not to notice her pull the door a little closer around her.

"I meant what I said the other night about Carson; we haven't done anything to feel guilty about. But that doesn't change the fact that I'm in love with you. I've loved you since I was seventeen years old. That has never changed, and it won't ever change. This weekend my friends asked as they invariably do if I was ever going to get tired of random girls and meaningless sex and I lied. I sat there, and I didn't tell them that I was in love. I didn't tell them that you were back in my life. I didn't tell them that as far as I'm concerned, the meaningless sex and random hook-ups are a thing of the past for me. And now I do have something to feel guilty about. So, here's the thing. I love you. I'm not going to pretend that you've done anything to change that. I don't think you could do anything to change that. But I'm telling you flat out that I'm done with this. I won't lie to my friends again. Whether I'm their best friend or not, their mine and I can't live with that so... if you're going to be with me, then you're going to have to accept me telling Carson about us; if you're still hung up on him or whatever it is, it's up to you to figure out because I'll do almost anything to make us work, but I won't lie for you; not to Carson and Max."

She has tears in her eyes when she says, "I really can't do this with you. I want to work this out, but..."

She stops at a sound in the background and I know she pulls the door even more closed so that I can now see only a few inches of her face.

"Who's in there with you Torie?" I ask.

"Fisher, please can we just talk tomorrow?"

"Who was that at the door Torie?" I hear someone behind her yell.

She closes her eyes and shakes her head, stepping back in resignation. "Fisher Barnes... Alex Reyes."

Torie

I want to hurl myself into Fisher's arms. The last three days have been torture. All the years of loving him... as a friend, from afar, and then getting close to him recently and falling in love with him all over again, only to end up worrying that my stupid insecurities have pushed him away was something I wasn't sure I could bear.

When we first fought, I was angry and hurt... maybe a little scared of needing Fisher when I've tried so hard never to need anyone, but I've spent the last twenty-four hours promising myself that if I could just get back to him; I would do whatever it takes to get him and keep him.

But then a few hours ago Alex showed up, unannounced and with no explanation of how he got here. He seems fine. He laughed about a touch-n-go moment when he thought my interstate exit had a nine in it. But otherwise he seems like he used to... before.

I watch from the sidelines as Fisher and Alex exchange easy greetings. It's funny because for so long, Alex has been this nervous, shell of a person. But watching him talk to Fisher I remember when he was this happy-go-lucky kid who never met a stranger. It occurs to me now that these two guys who are the most important to me might have an awful lot in common if not for Alex's illness.

"Listen." Alex says snapping me from my thoughts. "I've had a long day and I've got a lot to figure out. I think I'm gonna call it a night."

"If you want me to stay with you tonight I will." Fisher says once he's sure that the door has closed on Alex's room. "I mean, I want to stay anyway, but I'll do whatever you need me to do."

I smile and reach for his hand. "I want you to stay because I've missed you so much... but he's had a pretty big day and even though he seems good, I don't want him to get too overstressed. I mean, I'm sure he knows that I'm not a virgin but knowing it and waking up in the morning to find a guy sleeping in my bed, are two different things."

"Speaking of big days... I told you I loved you. I know that's pretty big for you. Are you sure that's not the real reason you don't want me to stay the night?"

I smile because he knows me so well. But I know him pretty well too so I say, "And you telling me you love me is a pretty big day for you so I guess the question is 'do you need to stay the night'... because as far as I'm concerned, you telling me you love me is the best thing that could have possibly happened to me today so if you need to stay then that trumps everything."

He sighs and takes a step toward me, and then finally I'm in his arms and he's kissing me hungrily and for a minute I don't care that Alex is here or that all of this terrifies me or that I'm still not sure why it matters to me so much that he doesn't tell Carson about us. All that matters to me is him and doing whatever it takes to always be with him. But luckily, he steps away from me because truthfully, I don't know that I would have been able to stop myself.

"Okay, either we stop now or the question of what your brother does or doesn't know about your sexual experience will no longer be a question because it's going to happen on the living room floor." He says with more of a jovial tone than I believe he feels. His eyes look tired and worried to me and I see the stress of the last few days on him, even though he does a good job of hiding it.

"Hmmm it's been four days. That's a very long time for us these days. I'm almost willing to chance it." I tease and then sit down on the sofa. "Sit with me a little while. Tell me about your trip."

He does, but I can tell his heart isn't in it and I immediately can't help feeling guilty for dragging him into this with me. I don't doubt him at all when he says he loves me and even though I haven't said it yet, I know that I love him too. But I still can't help worrying about bringing him into this with me. I know he'll stand by me through whatever comes, but I have to ask myself... do I want to ask that of someone that I love this much?

"Torie you said you weren't safe before. Your parents had to get a restraining order for you. What's changed now? Tell me how I can leave you here and believe that you'll be safe."

I shake my head. "It was my fault. I know his triggers and I got careless before. I won't make that mistake again."

"Listen to me. I love you Victoria Rose and I can stand a lot of things, but I can't lose you. So, do not be brave and strong about this if you think there's even the slightest chance that you're in danger. I'll sleep on the couch. I'll do anything you need me to do to keep you safe."

I fight to keep the tremor out of my voice because I'm so close to crumbling and letting him just take over for me, but I know that Alex is my brother and my problem, so I shake my head and say, "Just promise me that no matter how much I try, you'll never let me push you away. Being in the place where you love me is the safest place I can ever be."

Lilly

Is it wrong to think that the sight of the man you love stretched out and asleep in your bed is the sexiest sight in all creation because I do? Carson arrived at my apartment last night at midnight and I've never been so happy to see anyone. When he was here last month it was clear that he was terribly stressed about the situation with his dad and since then it's obvious that it's weighing heavily on his mind. He put up quite a fight when I insisted, he sleep in my room and let me take the couch since Madi would be up early, but I refused to back down. He argued that he could sleep at home and what he really needed was to be with Madi and me, but one look at his tired, worried eyes told me he needed a good night's sleep as much as he needed to be with us.

Just as I'm contemplating waking him, Madi darts passed me and grabs his arm jabbering "Car, Car, Car," the whole time. Just when she's getting good and frustrated his eyes fly open and he swoops her up in his arms and tickles her with her squealing and giggling ecstatically.

I walk closer to them and he grabs my arm and pulls me down beside them, which causes a whole new peal of laughter for Madi." Tickle mommy." She says excitedly.

"Ooh, I like how her mind works." He says, his hand lingering on my side and I'm loathe to even think of him removing it.

"Down boy. I'm already missing church because of you. Don't make me think impure thoughts on a Sunday morning."

"What time is it? We can go to church." He says, looking around for a clock.

"It's after ten and if you're not ready to tell your mother about me then you cannot come with me to church because those ladies have better circulation than the National Inquirer."

"Okay then, plan B." He says, pulling Madi into the action and making her tickle me instead. She thinks this is great fun for about two minutes but then she grows tired and bored and whines until I put her down on the floor, and she scampers off to the living room and leaves us alone in my bed; nothing dangerous about that at all.

"So, if you'd give me more than thirty seconds notice I might be able to have the guest room made up and ready for you when you come to town." I tease, trying to keep a smidge of my distance from him... emotionally at least, if not physically.

"I'm trying to get here late enough to catch you without a bra on, but I can't seem to win there." He says, pulling me closer to him and I debate with myself if I should pull away or stay. Stay wins out because... God I love how his body feels next to mine.

"Honestly I didn't know I was even coming until I was here. I just didn't want to go home to Grassland with Max because I'd have to face my mom and lie about Charlie Mitchell, so I asked Fisher to fly me to Atlanta because you can always catch a flight in Atlanta to anywhere... Then as soon as I was in Atlanta I knew exactly where I was going. I rented a car and told myself I'd drive over here; buzz once and if you didn't answer I'd check into the hotel down the street and come back today. But you answered."

"I was sitting here wishing you were with me." I say truthfully. "And then here you were. It's been that way since that first night. I drove home wishing you'd call, and you did and ever since then you're just here when I want you to be."

He shakes his head. "Well I confess you're not here nearly as often as I'd like you to be, but when you are here, it's everything I want it to be. Truthfully, it keeps getting better."

I don't resist when he rolls me onto my back and kisses me; I know I should, but he knows where I stand on the subject. He never pushes. But right at the moment I don't want him to stop anything. I just want him.

"I like waking up like this." He says, smoothing my hair away from my face and looking down into my eyes. "I like the way you look and the way you taste and the way you feel. And I love the way Madi sounds giggling in the next room. It all feels like..."

"Like?" I ask breathlessly.

"Home. You and Madi feel like home."

I pull him down to kiss me again just as Madi comes in the room again.

"Ont cracka mommy." She says, standing beside the bed.

I laugh and say to Carson, "Still think this feels like home?"

He grins and says, "Absolutely. Come on. Let's go have breakfast together."

We head into the kitchen together with Madi jabbering happily and Carson insists that he's fixing breakfast.

"Do you know how many breakfasts I've made in my life? I've flipped pancakes, scrambled eggs, sterilized bottles, changed diapers and ironed those dresses with all the tiny folds of material that take forever. I've put together tricycles and bicycles and done four loads of laundry while helping with homework and counting off the five basic positions of ballet." He brags as he rummages through the refrigerator while I sit on the barstool and watch.

"Well you just went up about ten notches on the sexy meter." I tease, and he grins at me with his disarming dimple as he pours plain scrambled eggs and cheese into the skillet and fixes a plate for Madi who is thrilled with them. She sits in my lap and eats, and Carson and I talk as he mixes eggs and ham and cheese and tomatoes and peppers and onions and turns out a very impressive omelet.

"This looks delicious." I say, letting Madi out of my lap and waiting for him to join me at the bar. "But I've got to be honest with you. You did not learn this breakfast taking care of your sisters. This is a 'morning after breakfast.'"

"A what?" He asks, feigning shock, but looking slightly embarrassed.

"I might be woefully inexperienced, but I know a 'morning after breakfast' when I see it. You are not the guy who gets up in the middle of the night and disappears. You're the guy who gets up the next morning and fixes a wonderfully romantic breakfast and then disappears." I tease but I get the steely look in return. But the steely look doesn't scare me anymore because I know now that it just means that he's scared. And he usually relaxes quickly with just a tiny bit of cajoling on my part.

"Okay. I'll give you that. I've fixed a few omelets for girls I knew I'd never see again. More times than not, it was after a few weeks or even a few months, not one night. But you're just getting them because I'm really good at them and I wanted to do something nice for you since you cook for me all the time."

I lean over and kiss him, no longer afraid of looking like the one who's doing the chasing. "I wasn't worried. And it's delicious. All though I'm sure it didn't soften the blow for anyone whose life you just walked out of. I'm just glad I'm not one of them."

He kisses me back and says, "So what about Madi's father? Which one was he?"

I grimace and say, "He was the kind who talked about marriage and kids and happily ever after and then bailed as soon as I finally gave in; said he wasn't feeling it anymore."

"What does he know about Madi?"

"That she's alive and that she's his. He offered to pay for an abortion, and then when she was born, he told me he'd do right by us; 'just find out how much child support is required, and I'll pay it'. I told him not to bother. I have a good job and a good family. We're fine."

"You shouldn't have done that." He argues, and I can tell he feels strongly about it. "You should make him pay; she needs to know that he at least did that much."

I nod, and I can't help myself from standing up to hug him to me. "Have you given any more thought to telling your mom about Charlie? Or about getting in touch with him?"

"I don't want to ever see him again. And I don't know if I ever want to tell mom."

"Well you can't keep avoiding her. I know she misses you and I can tell you miss her." I argue pulling away, but he wraps his arms around me and holds me in place.

"I miss you. Every time I walk out of here, by the time I get to the airport I just want to be back here with you."

I feel the same way, but sometimes I can't help worrying that we're moving too fast and that long distance is making our time together feel much more intense than maybe it really is. But then he tightens his hold on me and pulls me into another kiss and I can't even think about how the future could exist without us being together.

Fisher

I stand outside Torie's apartment and once again I look at my keyring and it hits me that it's been a week since I stood here last; a week since her brother came to town; a week since I told her I loved her and over a week since the last time we spent the night together. But it's Saturday night and she text me earlier and asked me to come over so here I am.

I let myself in, but there's no sign of anyone here so I wander around until I find Alex in the kitchen with his ear buds in and a variety of vegetables spread out on the countertop. I worry about startling him, not sure about triggers and not missing that he's wielding a pretty big knife.

Just as I'm debating how to alert him to my presence, he turns and smiles easily, removing the ear buds.

"Fisher, I didn't hear you come in... obviously." He adds pointing to the ear buds. "Megadeth."

I laugh. "I think your sister was wearing one of their T-shirts the first time we ever talked. Congratulations on influencing her to support crappy music."

"Oh yes, she mentioned you have diverse musical tastes that extend right up until death metal and then stop." He says with a laugh.

"Torie invited me over." I say looking around for her.

"Yeah, she must be running late." He says, looking up at the clock. "I told her I'd cook if she'd invite you over. It's the least I can do for you guys. I know my being here this week has been tough."

"So how are you really doing with everything?" I ask because it seems like he's opened the door.

"I'm okay. I just have some decisions to make. I mean, I know the first symptom of my condition is the need to have everything structured and routine so not having that might be a good thing, but..."

"Yeah but it seems to me too much unstructured could result in... a relapse?" I ask.

"Exactly. I either need to get back to Florida or I need to get a job a get in a program. I was living and working in Orlando for a little over a year. I really felt like I had things together, but my doctor felt like I wasn't going to move forward until I was able to make things right with Torie. She's always been in my corner, and after the way things ended with us, I had to do something."

"So, you just picked up and left? Doesn't that go against the nature of someone who has to plan everything?"

"I had to do it that way. I didn't have any time-off I could take at work. I left my job on good terms and they said they'd gladly hire me again. My apartment was a pay by the month place. I can always go back."

"Or you can stay. I know what Torie would choose."

"I don't. You guys were happy before I got here. And I know she's pulling away from you. That's what she does when she's worrying and that's my fault."

I shrug and say, "Torie knows how I feel. It's up to her what she does about us."

"Look I know Torie is tough; being in a relationship with her is probably tough. And I'm largely responsible for that. The thing is, our family was never easy. I mean, when you walk into the supermarket with a mom who doesn't speak English no one expects her to be a doctor's wife. They expect you to pull out food stamps. So, we started out below the curve to begin with. There are six of us so we kind of paired off like Noah's Ark which meant Torie and I were always close. So, when I started to have problems, my other sisters were just mad at me for screwing up their lives, but Torie had to deal with being mad at me, but also being worried about me and feeling like she had to defend me against them. I think even after all these years she's kind of at odds with them. The thing is, I'm here because I know Torie and I knew as long as she didn't know for sure that I'm okay, she'd be worried. But I'm guessing, knowing her, now that I am here, she's waiting for the other shoe to drop and she's probably waiting until she had to defend me to you. I'm sorry about that. If I'd realized that you were back in her life and that you were together, and she was happy and safe I would have probably stayed away."

I shrug and shake my head because I don't know what else to say to him about it. "Torie never stopped worrying about you so it's good you're here. I guess my question is, is she safe? I mean, I know she had a restraining order against you, so it's been extremely hard for me to leave her here alone knowing if she might be in danger. Can you tell me for 100% that she's not?"

I watch his eyes go wide and I worry for a minute that I might be the very thing that triggers the other shoe and if so Torie will never forgive me. But finally, he says, "No. I guess that's the worst part about being me right now. I'm someone who's struggled since I was thirteen to stay in control, and now I'm forced to admit that I have no control. All I can do is tell you that I'm on my medicine, and I'm following the doctor's guidelines and trying to pay attention to anything that might trigger an outburst."

"Can you tell me what happened? She won't."

He nods, and we sit down on either side of the bar and he begins talking. "It was stupid really. I was trying to come off my medicine. That's the worst part is this feeling that I should be able to do this without the medicine, right? I mean, everyone else does. So, I was coming off my medicine and things had been building; small things. But then I went to work that day, and everything went wrong; red lights at odd numbered intervals and three different place settings of silverware in the same bin, and I know that sounds ridiculous, but I was wound tightly when I came home. One of my big obsessions then... always I guess, has been fire alarms. When I was at home, I would check the batteries three times a day in every alarm, and if one went off, I'd go all to pieces. So, I came home that day, after getting stopped in traffic at 5:09. I sat there for nine minutes behind a car with two nines in the license plate, and I got home, and an orange and red bike was parked in front of our door. Then I went inside and Torie had burned some pizzas and the fire alarm was going off. I tried to drag her out because I was scared, and she argued with me because it was just a little smoke. I ended up choking her until she had to hit me with a pan, and the neighbors called the police."

I don't know which one of us is more undone by his confession, but the big part of me wants to choke him right now just at the thought of it.

"I can see what you're thinking and you're right. I felt like a monster. I'd never hurt anyone before. I screamed at Camille once really, really bad because I thought she was hurting Alyssa. Alyssa had pneumonia and was in the hospital right before I started to get really bad; I remember when she came home from the hospital thinking that I had to wash my hands constantly because I'd make her sicker. Anyway, I was always convinced something bad was going to happen to her, so I was freakishly protective of her. Anyway, I came in and she and Camille were fighting... just like girls do and I screamed at her for so long; the harder she cried, and the more Alyssa begged me not to I just kept screaming at her. That was when my parents sent me away to the treatment facility; thank God. That was the worst thing I ever did until I choked Torie. Part of me never wanted to see Torie again. It was only because my doctors thought I needed to face her that I came here, but I really wanted to never have to look into her eyes again."

My life philosophy is to roll with the punches, but I've always felt like life came with plenty of punches and Alex Reyes's life has maybe had just a few more than other people. But the only way for him to survive is just to keep going, and the only way for me to keep Torie and be able to live with what he's done with her, is for both of us to just keep pressing on. We can't change the past, and I know that Torie wants desperately to have him in her life. So, I ask him, "When you were in Florida what kind of work were you doing?"

"This." He says, motioning to the food as he resumes his stir fry. "I cooked at a couple of different restaurants. I'd like to someday go to culinary school, but right now that would probably be too much stress."

"Don't talk about stress." Torie says, coming around the corner and looking mildly surprised to see us together. "I've had a crazy day."

"Well you guys go hang out and rest. You've both been at work today and I've watched all three Lord of the Rings movies." Alex says, directing us out of the kitchen.

We leave, and I pause for a moment when Torie starts toward her bedroom, presumably to change clothes, but then she motions for me to follow so I do. Once we're in her room with the door closed, she pushes me against it and launches herself against me before I have time to react anyway other than to kiss her back.

"Oh my God I've missed you! How long has it been?" She says, pulling at the hem of my shirt and clawing at the buttons.

"Ten days." I answer with a laugh. "And I've missed you too, but your brother is right down the hall."

"I don't care. I've had the worst day and I just want to be with you." She says desperately, and I'm relieved beyond words to feel like we're finally back to normal... at least a little bit.

But then I remember where we were a week ago and I gently push her away and say, "Okay, listen to me. A week ago, you wouldn't let me spend the night because you were afraid that would be too much stress for your brother. All week long you've kept me at arms' length. Now suddenly tonight you're ready to do it against the door with him right down the hall cooking."

"The against the door part was optional; the bed, the floor or that fluffy rug in my bathroom would all do nicely." She teases, kissing me again and I feel my resolve crumbling, but finally she stops and says, "I finally heard back from his doctor in Orlando today. He gave him a really good report and said he cleared him to travel, actually encouraged it. He sent him here to make amends with me, so he can continue on with his treatment."

"Do you think he'll go back now?" I ask hopefully, disentangling myself from her.

She frowns at me but pulls away and begins changing clothes. I avert my eyes as she shimmies out of the royal blue wrap dress she's wearing. Normally a strip tease would be the perfect end to any day, but since I can't do anything about it once she's naked I look away until she's dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.

"I guess so. He seems to be doing good with things there."

"How do you feel about that?"

She shrugs. "It's definitely easier when he's not here. I don't mean to be insensitive but the stress of feeling responsible for him is huge. But of course, when he's not here, I'm always worrying; waiting for something bad to happen. I don't know what I want. I know what my parents want. I figure I know what you want. But I don't know about me."

I nod and kiss her forehead. "Come on. He's got a really good-looking meal going. Let's go enjoy it."

She takes my hand and follows me out, but then she tugs me back and says, "Thank you for being patient with me this week. I know I've been distant... literally and figuratively, but I just needed to focus on him, and I've had a lot going on at work."

I smile and nod, and we go and join Alex for dinner. His food is delicious and we all three talk, easily. As much as I hate to admit it, there's a lightness to Torie tonight that I don't think I've ever seen. We've been happy together... at times blissfully, unabashedly, ecstatically happy. But tonight, she's peaceful... more at peace than I've ever seen her.

After dinner we all decide that fajitas and rice like that really should be followed by fried ice cream. We have everything but the ice cream, so I run to the store, and I'm driving back listening to John Coltrane when I'm suddenly struck with a wave of panic. What if realizing we were out of ice cream triggers an episode, and I come home to find him catatonic, or worse; hurting Torie again? How will I ever sleep or even breathe with the image of the woman I love having the life choked out of her by her crazy brother?

Once I get to her apartment, I run upstairs with my heart racing. I throw open the door terrified of what I'll find.

And I find the two of them side by side, him playing his guitar and singing an Allman Brothers song and her playing her bass for the first time in years. When she hears me come in, she jumps and runs to my side kissing me quickly, but Alex is clearly lost in the song.

"Finally, you two play some music that's actually music." I whisper, hugging her to my side. "He's really good."

"And I wasn't?" She teases lightly as he hits the crescendo of Black Hearted Woman.

"Hmm. I remember you looked really good." I say, pulling her in for another kiss.

"Oh good. The ice cream is here." Alex says coming around the couch to grab the bag from me and take off for the kitchen. We follow him and a few minutes later we're all eating and laughing again.

"Alex, I was thinking about earlier when we were discussing your plans. "I say. "About whether you should stay here or go back to Orlando. I have an opinion if you're interested."

Alex nods, but I can tell Torie is worried about where I'm headed.

"Here's the thing. I'm a roll with the punches kind of guy. I've always taken life as it came and went with it. But whatever I've ever gone through, until I moved to Grassland, I rolled with everything alone. I've learned since I've been here with real friends that are more like family and with Torie who is my family, whatever I go through now is better because I'm not alone. Now I know you've had more punches than most. I think you should consider staying here in Montgomery; so, you'll have us."

He agrees to take it under advisement and we all finish getting the kitchen cleaned up. He tells us he's going to call it a night and heads to his room where we hear the faint strains of his guitar again.

Torie turns to me and pulls my face toward hers and says, "I can see it in your eyes that you're scared to death about what Alex is capable of. He told you what happened in Gainesville right?"

"Yeah. And the time he screamed at Camille and your parents put him in the facility."

"It really wasn't as bad as I'm sure he made it seem." She says lamely, and I kiss her forehead.

"You know it doesn't really matter if it was or wasn't. The point is that he's family. I told you that night in your driveway that you're a good person and you're a strong person, and you couldn't live with yourself if you had the opportunity to help someone and you didn't do it."

"Hey, I could say the same to you." She says, stepping toward me and wrapping her arms around my neck. "And if you're doing this to make me love you, you can stop it because you never have to work that hard with me."

I grin. "I clearly overshot by a lot because I was just trying to get you back into bed. My God woman it's been ten days."

She steps away from me and then reaches for my hand, and says, "Well in that case will you stay with me tonight?"

Carson

December 2015

I can't remember another Christmas in my life when I was as excited as I am this year. I feel like a kid myself. It all started day before yesterday, the day after the worst game of the season. I went to the airport to pick up Lilly and Madi and we took Madi to see Santa, and then we went to the classic movie theater where they were showing Rudolph and White Christmas. We didn't expect Madi to make it through the second one, but she loved the singing and dancing and was perfectly behaved all the way through. Then we bought a tree and went home and decorated it. I've never had a tree since I left home; it just never made sense for me alone. But seeing it with Madi has made me remember how much fun we used to have decorating; mama, Caity, Celia and me, usually with Max and sometimes Georgia.

Getting Madi to go to sleep in a strange room proved no easy feat, but once she was finally settled in her pack-n-play in the guest room, Lilly and I were alone. It turned out she's even more beautiful by the light of the Christmas tree; and the fireplace that I've not used once since I moved in here.

The next day started with me going to work out. After all, we still have two more games to get through before finishing the worst season in the Raven's recent history. And then I came home in the afternoon to the smells of Christmas baked goods. My mom is a good cook, but she never did a lot of it, especially at the holidays. Instead she was usually working as many doubles as she could get at Christmas time to pay for the gifts. But Lilly put out a Christmas spread like I've never seen. And Madi covered in the icing from decorating the Christmas cookies was pretty adorable.

And this morning we started off with one of Lilly's home-cooked breakfasts and now we're enjoying a day of movies and downtime before we exchange gifts tonight and they go home later tonight.

"It's 72 degrees outside." I say, pulling back the curtains and turning down the thermostat another degree. We have the air conditioner set on 63 so we can have the fire burning and Madi can wear her fuzzy Princess Elsa pj's; I called it a "welcome to Baltimore gift" so I could give it to her early. "It's only 68 in Grassland."

"Are you homesick?" She asks, wrapping her arms around me from behind. "People think you NFL guys have such glamorous lives, but they have no idea that you don't even get off for Christmas."

"Neither did my mom for all those years at the hospital and she made a fraction of what I make... and I'm at the bottom of the NFL pay scale. But no, how could I be homesick? I told you I feel like I'm at home whenever I'm with you two." I say truthfully, but I don't turn around because if she sees my face, she'll know I'm not being truthful about everything. I'm excellent at hiding my emotions, but not this; not with her. During this time of the year I'm used to not seeing my family, but this year is different. I haven't talked to my mom in weeks; and I haven't talked to her because I can't. I can't tell her that my father came to see me after the game. I can't tell her that he's sent me two letters and left a voicemail on my unlisted phone number. And if I can't tell her that, I can't tell her about Lilly. And if I can't tell her, then we can't tell Max and Belle.

"I wish I didn't have to leave tonight, or I wish you could come with us to Atlanta." She says sadly, but then giggles. "Although I'm not sure I'm ready to unleash my aunties on you."

This time I do turn to face her and say, "I make an excellent impression with authority figures. Belle's parents preferred me to Max, the Clean Marine, after all."

"I'm sure they did, but my aunties aren't like the other parents you've met."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters they're going to spend two minutes with you and say you're too white." She says with a shrug.

"Too white!" I say with outrage. "I'm exactly the same amount of white as you."

"Oh baby, if you really believe that, then you are definitely too white." She teases, stretching up on her tip toes to kiss me. "It has nothing to do with your skin and everything to do with your family. I was raised in a black family. You were raised in a white family. It is what it is."

"Is it a problem for you?" I ask. It's funny because I've had this conversation with every white girl I've ever dated, but I never thought about having it with Lilly.

"Of course not. And they'll get over it. But they'll have some fun with you first, so you might as well be prepared."

Suddenly I wish I was going home to Atlanta with her too. I wish I was doing whatever comes next for us because I want this; I want everything with her. If only I didn't have this situation with Charlie Mitchell hanging over my head. I want to tell my family about Lilly and Madi. But until I have my feelings about him sorted out in my mind, I can't move forward with anything.

"I have something to tell you; something not good." I say, leading her toward the couch.

"Well, way to spring it on me." She says, with a hint of sarcasm and an obvious amount of worry.

"It's not that bad. I just want to get it out of the way before we open gifts, so it won't be the last thing you remember about the trip." I say, before taking a deep breath. "I hope you know how much you mean to me; I've never felt with anyone what I feel when I'm with you and Madi. I'm crazy about you and I'm happier when I'm with you than I've ever been... off a football field." I add to try and lighten the mood, but the look on her face tells me it's not working.

"Are we breaking up because this feels a lot like breaking up."

"No, we're not breaking up. Your flight doesn't leave for six more hours. You've cooked for two days and we have dozens of gifts to unwrap. Breaking up now would make for a really long rest of the night." I say, leaning over to kiss her, hoping to put her mind at ease; hoping to put both of our minds at ease. "I feel like with my father resurfacing in my life and everything that I have going on, until I know what I want to do about that, I don't want my mom to know that I'm in a relationship. And if I can't tell my mom, then we can't tell Belle and Max."

She nods and then her face falls as realization hits her. "But the wedding is in two and a half weeks. How can I not tell Belle? She's my best friend."

"I know." I say seriously. "And if you want to tell her, I won't stop you. But you know if you tell Belle, you might as well take out an ad in the paper. Do you really think she can keep this is a secret?"

She shakes her head. "No. And it's the biggest day of her life. I don't want her to have to worry about keeping a secret for me. You're right. We can't tell her or Max."

I sigh and say, "You have to know how much I want to tell them; all of them."

She nods but stays silent, so I say, "You're really mad at me, aren't you?"

"No." She says and then I put my hand under her chin and force her to look at me. "Okay, fine. Yes, I'm mad at you. But I'll get over it. Just... try to make me understand why your mom can't know about me. What does that really have to do with the Charlie situation?"

This is the part I've dreaded, but I don't have a choice, so I dive in. "From the time I made the decision to go to Grambling, my mom has been... disappointed isn't exactly the right word, but... I guess she's been concerned about me. She feels like I'm pulling away from who I was raised to be. And if I come home and tell her my father is back in my life, she's going to feel that way even more."

"Oh." She says, looking away. "And if you come home with a black girlfriend, she's going to feel that the defection is complete, is that it?"

"No..."

"I guess I should have asked if your mom would have a problem with you dating a black girl, shouldn't I?" She asks and there's no denying the angry set of her shoulders.

"No." I argue, but we both know there's some truth to her fears. "Look, my mom will adore you. She's the last person who would have a problem with us. But it's just a lot all at once. And I've always been very close to her. I can't tell her about us and not tell her about him and the two things together are going to be a whole lot for her to take in, so I need to tell her about him first. And then I can tell her about us. Tell me you understand it."

She's quiet for a minute, but then she says, "I don't. But you're worth a little bit of fear and anxiety. So, I'll go along with this... until after the wedding. But once the wedding is over you better figure out how..."

I don't let her finish before I drag her into my lap and kiss her hungrily before saying. "Lilly Madeleine Etheridge, you are the best thing that has happened to me... ever. I promise you that I can't wait to tell everyone that I was smart enough to snag you."

She curls into my side and I feel calmer just having her next to me. After a few minutes, she says, "You said that when your mom finds out that your father is in your life it's going to be a lot for her to take in... That's sounds to me like you've sorted out your feelings about him. You're going to meet him, aren't you?"

I'm still for a moment, but then I nod and say, "How can I not?"

Torie

"By the way, yesterday I RSVP'd to the wedding, bachelor/bachelorette parties and the rehearsal dinner. We're staying at Max's." Fisher tells me this morning as we're getting ready for work. We slept over at his place. The truth is I think we're living together, but I just haven't quite worked up the nerve to tell Alex yet. Lately we've spent every night together at his apartment and we've only gone back to mine, so I can get more clothes and to see Alex. He's doing great, working full time at one of the restaurants in town, seeing a doctor regularly and taking his medicine. It's all we can ask for right now.

"What do you mean you sent back our RSVP? You were invited, and I was invited. How did you RSVP for me?" I ask, wielding a toothbrush as he stands behind me doing whatever he does to get that "I do nothing to my hair" look that women love... that I love.

"Because I was invited with a plus one as I'm sure you were too, so I RSVP'd you as my plus one."

"Well I'm not so sure I like being your plus one. Maybe I'd rather you be my plus one." I tease, but we both know I'm covering for the fact that I'm uncomfortable with being linked to him on a wedding invitation which is ludicrous since we're definitely linked in life.

"Well, Max is my friend and Belle only invited you to be polite, so I have to be there and that makes you plus one." He teases, kissing my neck and heading back into the bedroom to get his car keys. "Does this really matter?"

"Yes, it really matters. You sent that to Grassland, AL. Now before we even get out of the car everyone's talking about how we're a couple and there's all this gossip and..."

"And Carson will know?" He asks.

"This has nothing to do with Carson." I retort angrily.

"We've been together for months now, but does anyone know; anyone outside of the friends from work that we hang out with and Alex? If I post a picture on social media of us together, you're ready to take my head off. What do you thinks going to happen when you come face to face with Mr. NFL's most eligible bachelor?"

"How do you even know for sure that he's going to be there?"

"He's Max's best man. Of course, he'll be there." He explains irritably. "And for the record, I RSVP'd myself, plus one. I didn't give your name. You can still back out if you want. But you know what I said. I'm not lying about us anymore. Either we're together out in the open or..."

He doesn't finish his sentence and it's not like Fisher to make threats and ultimatums. But then again, this is new territory for him. He starts for the door, and I can tell by the set of his shoulders that he's angry which also isn't like him. He doesn't like to get angry because being angry proves he cares, and I've learned over the years that he makes it a point not to care about anyone if he can help it. That's why the fact that he loves me means so much, and that's why I know this is hard for him... because besides me, he cares about Max and Carson as much as anyone in the world.

"Fisher... wait." I say, grabbing his hand. "You know this isn't about me and Carson. It's about you and Carson. I know how much your friendship with them means, and I don't want you to get hurt in all this. If Carson gets mad at me for dating you, I'll be fine, but if he gets mad at you it's going to hurt you. I don't want that. And for you and me to pretend that we weren't cheating on Carson all those times we were together is just ridiculous. I'll be very surprised if he doesn't feel like he's been betrayed. That's just the way it is."

"The way it is?" He says with a shrug. "Well here's the way it is too. I'm in love with you. And Carson is my friend and that friendship means the world to me. So, I don't have a choice, but to figure out how to make this work because you're going to be in my life, and so are they, which means you're going to be in their lives."

He starts for the door, but I stop him again. "What if you're wrong? What if you can't fix this?"

He shrugs again. "What if can fix it? Isn't that what we both want?"
Fisher Barnes

January 2016

"Fisher Ryan Barnes, if I find out that you knew that Carson was going to be here when we got here... Let's just say, I hope you're not planning on having sex again in this lifetime because you will be cut off!" Torie says, narrowing her eyes at me before Carson has barely made it out of the door, leaving us alone in the living room.

"Come on. It's like a Band-Aid. It's ripped off now and we survived. Besides, you know you want me... you love it when I'm devious and I love it when you call me by my whole name. It makes me feel naughty and I totally want to jump you." I say, inching my hand under the edge of her skirt.

"Stop that!" She says, smacking my hand, but giggling in spite of herself and grabbing my collar to pull my face toward hers. "You think you've made your point. Meanwhile how do you know that Carson isn't just waiting till we're all out of the way to kick your ass? And I maintain that Max will help."

"You think mighty high of yourself Victoria Rose." I say, leaning in to kiss her quickly. "Tell the truth. You're wounded that he hasn't beat the hell out of me yet, aren't you?"

"A little bit." She says ruefully, before kissing me back. "I was his first. He should be a little jealous."

"Of course, he is, but forget about that. Did you know that Max and Belle did it on the couch, so Carson gave them the house? Let's go do it in his Lexus and see if it works for us too."

"He's renting them the house and you are awful!" She whispers and then says, "On this couch that we're sitting on?"

I shrug and then she asks, "Did Max tell you that?"

"I told you, Max never tells anything. Belle told Carson, and Carson told me."

She rolls her eyes and then allows me to put my arm around her. "Why didn't you just tell me that everyone was going to be here when we got here? And why didn't you warn Max and Belle about me?"

I look at her incredulously and say, "You freaked when I said I RSVP'd for you. Besides, I didn't want to tell Max and make him have to tell Carson, and I didn't want to call Carson and make a big deal of it. I didn't know for sure that Carson would be here, but I knew we'd see him and everyone else pretty quickly. Now we're here and it's over. And we're us."

"We're us." She repeats, leaning toward me for another kiss.

"I love you Torie Reyes. And I will never apologize for that. If I'm wrong and it's a problem. I'll deal with it. "

"We'll deal with it Barnes." She says pulling my face toward hers. "I've always got your back."

In a few minutes Max and Belle return, followed by Carson and finally Lilly and we all begin making plans for the girls to go Hayden and Georgia's and for us to go to Avery and Claire's.

"I just had a good idea." Lilly says with what I can only describe as fake enthusiasm. "Torie, why don't you stay with us? We're staying over at Georgia's tonight and the Carpenters have five bedrooms. It'll be great. A good old fashion sleep over weekend before Belle settles into matrimony."

Belle give her a look that I'd be interested to interpret, but says, "Oh definitely Torie. That's a great idea."

"Okay, let me grab my bags from the guest room." Torie says with a smile, but I can tell she's no happier about it that I am, and I feel like there's something going on, but I can't figure out what.

When she returns, we all head out to the cars. The girls get in Belle's Suburban and we get in Carson's Lexus. Once we're out of the driveway Max says, "So anybody got any more bombs they'd like to drop?"

Lilly

"Why did you invite her to spend the night with us?" Belle whispers to me as we unlock her vehicle and Torie puts her stuff in the trunk.

"She's a girl. Do you think she'd really be comfortable in the house with three guys... one of them her boyfriend, one of them her ex-boyfriend and one of them, your fiancé?" And one of them my boyfriend I think, but don't say aloud.

"I know, but I had big plans for us. This was our last hurrah before my wedding." Belle says, hugging me as I open the door to the front seat.

"Shut up Belle Carpenter soon-to-be Cooper. You're getting married, not dying. We're going to be hurrahing till we're old and gray!" I insist just as Torie joins us.

Torie climbs into the back seat and I turn to her and say, "Okay girlfriend, spill. We want all the details of how you landed that one. We made out once. He's totally hot."

"You said you mostly just talked!" Belle screams and Torie laughs.

"He said you mostly just talked, but I knew he was lying." She teases, shaking her head.

"We did talk more than we made out, but we made out enough to know you're a lucky girl. So, come on. We're waiting." I tease happily. I like Torie and I really need for her to be happily in love with Fisher Barnes. That's one less obstacle I have to worry about.

"Well you know we always kind of had a thing... even in high school. Then I moved to Montgomery without realizing he was there but once I did, I sent him a message, and that was it. I was in love right then and we've been together ever since."

"That's amazing." I say seriously. "I know from the night that we 'mostly talked' that he was always crazy about you. And it's obvious you're crazy about him."

"I am." She says, and I believe her completely. "I mean, I could kill him for not telling me Carson was going to be at Max's or that no one knew I was coming, but it was my fault. I kept pushing him not to tell anyone about us, and he finally pushed back and told me he was coming to the wedding and telling you all, with or without me. I couldn't let him face it alone, but I guess I figured at some point after I agreed to go, he'd at least give Max a heads up. But I realize now that deep down he was afraid I'd bail on him at the last minute... don't think the thought didn't cross my mind. But he cares a lot about Max and Carson, and he was never going to be happy with them not knowing so..."

"Why wouldn't you want them to know; or more specifically, why wouldn't you want Carson to know?" Belle asks, and her voice is definitely edgy.

"I don't know." Torie says with a shrug. "I was never much of a joiner. You know, I look back at high school and if being part of this group hadn't allowed me to stay close to Fisher while I was dating Carson, I'm not sure I would have done it. But I did, and I loved it. My family is so overpowering that friends were never easy for me and having you guys as my friends was so new for me and something far better than I would have expected. But it's been a lot of years and you and Max and Carson have a lot of history that doesn't include us. I was in the group because I was Carson's girlfriend and Fisher was in the group because he was Max and Carson's teammate. But if I'm not Carson's girlfriend anymore and Fisher is now dating Carson's girlfriend, maybe we're not in the group anymore. And no offense, but I would have been okay with that. Fisher and I have a great life together and that's enough for me. But it would have hurt him a lot and I've hurt him enough in the past. So that's the main reason. And also, because Carson is the greatest guy in the world, and, on the off chance that this did hurt him... well that would kill me, and it would really kill Fisher."

"It's none of my business." Belle begins, and I have a feeling she's about to say something that will make me want to hit her. "But Carson has had a really tough year. I mean, the team's losing season, never getting any playing time and the fact that he drifts from one meaningless relationship to another; I think it's going to be hard for him. I'm happy for you and Fisher, really, I am. I knew way back in high school that you guys should have been together, but I do worry that this is going to hurt Carson."

I grapple for something to say to lessen the tension in the car, when Torie goes very West Side Story and says, "So is that your way of saying if sides are chosen, you and Max are on Carson's?"

Belle shrugs. "That's not how I meant it, but I guess so."

"Well I never doubted that and neither did Fisher. If sides are chosen, we'll deal with it. But I came here with the man I love to be with him when he celebrates the wedding of one of his best friends. If that's a problem for anyone then I'll be happy to leave."

"Okay." I say loudly in my best 'mom' voice. "Carson is a grown man and he does not look to me like he's been pining after Torie... no offense. I'm sure he will be 100% fine. He knows how important this weekend is to Max - his lifelong best friend, and I know he values his friendship with Fisher too, so I think we should just dial it back a few degrees and have a good time tonight without all this boy drama."

"I agree." Torie says but she looks at me with a peculiar look that I can't read.

"Fine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to go all hyper protective. It's just that Carson means a lot to us." Belle says grudgingly, but I hear the territorial edge in her tone.

"Carson means a lot to us too." Torie says. "Next to me, these guys mean everything to Fisher. That's why I was so protective of anyone finding out about us. As much as I love Fisher, neither of us have ever done a real relationship and I'm notoriously bad at commitments of any kind. I didn't want to cost him his best friends till I was sure we were going to stick."

"So, are you sure you're going to stick?" I ask, no longer as interested in how this affects Carson as I am in how these two star-crossed lovers are going to make it work.

She nods. "Yeah, I really think we will."

"Good." I say, and I frown at Belle, but she seems oblivious, so I say, "So Belle, who exactly is going to be here tonight?"

"Well Georgia and Claire are hosting it."

"Carson's mom Claire?" Torie asks curiously before adding, "I mean, I love her. She's the best mom ever, but she was practically our mom; especially you Belle. I guess we can forget about the strippers."

"I wouldn't count on it. Caity and Celia are coming for a little while and a couple of teachers I've become friends with. So, no, not exactly the stripper crowd. But at least Avery will be at Max's party. He's more like a dad to Max than Claire's like a mom to me. No strippers for them either." She says with a little sass.

"The Clean Marine and a stripper." I tease. "That sounds like a smutty book you'd find in a .99 bin."

Carson

"Are you okay?" Max asks once everyone is at the party and mingling. No one was expecting a rip-roaring bachelor party. It's Max, the Clean Marine, after all. And it's being hosted by Hayden who, despite his past, has turned into one of the straightest laced, family guys anyone knows. Add to that the fact that the guest list includes Avery, who's the closest thing most of us have to a dad, as well as Coach Reynolds and Andy and Ryder. About the biggest surprise is that Caleb Sanders drove from Nashville for the weekend, saying there was no way he'd miss the wedding of Georgia's little brother and Hayden's little sister. I think the truth is that he's like the rest of us, always looking for an excuse to be around Hayden and Georgia and their kids. I used to look at them and I'd know exactly what I want for my life. Now I know what I want whenever I look at Lilly and Madi.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?" I answer truthfully. I haven't thought about Torie in years, other than a fleeting memory that included everyone else. Sure, it sucks being the odd man out now, but I know, even if they don't, that I have Lilly and I'm happier than I've ever been.

I'm on the verge of spilling my guts to Max when he says, "Torie and Fisher, finally out in the open after all these years. Come on, whether you're over her or not, it's got to be weird knowing one of your best friends was in love with your girlfriend the whole time you were together."

"Yeah, I guess so." I say calmly. I always pride myself on never being caught off guard and not being shocked by much, but here I am, the one out of the loop after all this time. Suddenly it all makes sense; that Christmas party when she glared at him and Taylor Marsh all night, her asking him to prom instead of me, the fact that she hung on me like a leech when he was around and barely held my hand when we were alone. And based on what Max is saying and based on the memory of him at the game in Florida trying to convince me that that relationship wasn't a good idea, he and Belle knew all along. Everyone knew, except for me.

I'm searching for something to say to Max to hide what I'm feeling when Ryder pulls him away, and Caleb walks up and takes the barstool next to mine.

"I gotta ask. I never ask because I don't want to be the hanger-on, living in the past, and truthfully, I love my life. But I gotta ask... What's it like?" He says with a mixture of embarrassment and enthusiasm.

"Okay first it's the NFL. It's the dream, man. But on the other hand, my NFL isn't what your NFL would've been." I admit ruefully.

"What are you talking about? You're amazing. I saw you at Grambling. I saw the video. You were unstoppable."

"I'm not saying I wasn't good... Great even. I made it to the NFL. I had to be great, right. But I was never you. You'd have gone first round. And you'd be starting by now. We both know it." I remind him.

"Come on. You're a good quarterback. You're young, but you'll get your shot eventually." He says encouragingly. I told myself that once, but now I don't think it's true.

"68% of the NFL's players are black but only 21% of NFL quarterbacks are black. If I don't have the DNA of a black father, I'm an engineer right now. Instead I get paid a-half-million-dollars a year to sit on the bench, do a lot of photo ops, and drive up the percentage by 1."

"But it's the NFL. The worst day getting paid to play football, is better than the best day at a regular job, right?"

I hate myself because this is Caleb Sanders... he was the one who should have become the superstar; he was the one with all the talent, the personality and the expectations. He's the last person who should be listening to me right now. But it's kind of like all those years ago when I talked to Belle about college. Caleb is a good guy; he's someone I trust. But he's not my family. He's not Lilly. And whether I realized it or not, I needed an objective ear for this.

"Caleb, let me ask you something. You loved football. Anyone who watched you play knows you loved the game. So, after you got hurt, why didn't you try again? You could have walked on at any FCS or DII school anywhere. You could have played four more years. Why didn't you at least try?"

He shakes his head. "I still wonder that myself sometimes. It hurt Hayden and my parents so much; everyone who believed in me. But I made the right choice. I never could have played the way I did before the accident. I wouldn't have loved it as much if I hadn't been great at it."

I nod. "That's the thing. I don't think I ever knew how much I loved it until it was too late. Through most of high school I was trying to live up to your legacy and not to be that guy who was defined by football; whose future was tied up in this game. But then I got to college and my future was tied up in this game and it was amazing, but by that time it was more like a job. And now it is a job and even in the rare moment when I do get to play, I don't enjoy it; not like I should."

"Sounds like you're making some choices... some life changing choices."

"Yeah. My contract's up for renegotiation this year and... I think I'm out."

"You mean you don't think they'll keep you?" He asks with concern.

"Oh no. They'll keep me forever. I'm not breaking the bank and I make them look good; I make it okay for them to recruit some twenty-year-old running back that they pluck from the ghetto." I explain. "But I think I'm done. I've become exactly what I never wanted to be; a black athlete."

"Have you talked to anyone about this?"

I shake my head. "No but last week when I walked off the field, I think I knew right then that it was over. That was the last game I'd ever play. I'm not as sad as I should be."

"Well like you said; you've lived the dream. You've run through the tunnel at an NFL stadium in front of seventy thousand screaming fans. I mean, does it really get any better than that?" He says with just a hint of envy; only a hint.

I think on it for a minute and I say, "Yeah it does; it did. Being a scrawny, terrified fifteen-year-old who pitched the ball to Hayden and then watched him mow down one defender after the other to cross the goal line and win a state championship. Or being up by four touchdowns and in the huddle with my friends, laughing so hard I couldn't even call the plays because Fisher was making highly inappropriate jokes about the cheerleaders. Or the moment when everything disappeared, all the cheers and the defenders charging me, and I'd look up, over all those opposing helmets and let the ball fly because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Max would be there. Nothing I've done for a-half-million-dollars a year will ever compare to that."

"Sounds like your minds made up." Caleb says, smiling and clapping me on the shoulder. "So, what will you do with yourself?"

"I have a pretty good nest egg between the NFL salary and the endorsements. It doesn't matter to the advertisers if I don't play, as long as I photograph well. I can afford to take some time to decide my next move, but I have an engineering degree. It was always what I wanted to do. I figure I'll get my masters and get a job."

"Will you come back here?"

It's the million-dollar question, but if I'm honest the answer is at least part of why I've made this decision. I shake my head and I say, "No, I love it here and Grassland will always be my hometown, the Gators will always be my team and Max and Fisher will always be my best friends, but I've met someone... and my home is wherever she is."

Caleb

Why is it that whenever I'm in Nashville all I think about is how much I wish I was at home in Grassland, and yet when I get here it never feels right? It never feels like I remember it feeling. I try to convince myself that it's just because I was a kid then, and that I'm remembering it the way it never was. But then some long-repressed memory will drift from the back of my mind to a place where it can't be ignored, and I know that I'm remembering it exactly the way I believed it to be; and exactly like it can never be again.

I shake myself from my reverie and hear Fisher ribbing Hayden about the lack of strippers and keg stands at this bachelor party. Fisher is a good guy and he seems to genuinely want to fit in with this group of guys who in a lot of ways couldn't be more different from him. But he loves football, and, if the whispers are true, he loves the hot Latino girl that used to be with Carson. I guess, sometimes that's enough to have in common.

I walk up behind them and say, "As long as Georgia Cooper is alive his stripper days are long gone."

"It's Georgia Nichols." Hayden corrects. "And we all know she's well worth the sacrifice."

"If I didn't know better, I'd say Nichols is whipped." Fisher says raising a glass to hoots and hollers as everyone else tunes in.

"Have you seen my wife?" Hayden asks, not waiting for anyone to answer. I have a feeling he's about to put our young friend in his place. "My wife is the sexiest woman alive."

"Remember you're talking about my sister." Max points out, but everyone shushes him, and Hayden continues like he hasn't been interrupted.

"Coop is 5"11' with 92 inches of the best legs in the state of Alabama. She makes homemade peanut butter fudge and she does something with white beans and cornbread that should not be legal. Put those two things together and it means she has the power to deprive me of both great sex and great food... man's two most basic needs. Add to that, she's tough as hell, am I right Max?"

"She put the fear of God in me more than once."

"Exactly, which means if properly motivated she could probably kick my ass. And she's a lawyer so, if all else fails she could always sue me. So, in answer to your question my young friend, hell yes, I'm whipped, and I'm a happy man for it."

"Here here." I say amid everyone's cheers, as Fisher bows in deference to an obviously well-made argument.

"I tell you what." Fisher says. "How long have you and Georgia been married?"

"Three and a half years." Hayden answers with a bemused smile.

"Okay well check back with me in three and a half years, and if Torie has me as whipped as Georgia has you, I'm confident I'll be just as happy."

"Are you guys engaged?" Carson asks coolly; too coolly. His reputation is pretty well known; the higher the stakes, the steadier the nerves. Right now, he's got nerves of steel.

"Not officially." Fisher says with neither apology nor the cocky confidence he's known for. "But it's serious. "

Carson nods slowly and steadily, and says, "Congratulations." Before he turns back to cheer for Ryder and Andy as they take on Max in a modified version of beer pong played with root beer. I don't miss Fisher's long exhale of relief before he joins his friends too.

"Wow best friends hooking up with each other's girlfriend." I say, elbowing Hayden. "Seems we've been down that path once upon a time. "

Hayden shakes his head. "Another life and a very different version of me... me and Aimee."

"For a guy who's admittedly whipped by Georgia, you don't miss a chance to come to Aimee's defense, do you?" I ask with more of a sneer than I intended.

"I don't have to defend Aimee to Georgia. They're best friends. And you're the one who brought Aimee up. You're always the one who brings her up." He points out before saying, "Now I'm going to challenge my son to a game of root-beer pong."

He leaves, and I want to argue with him about it, but I know the truth. I always have to bring up Aimee when I'm in Grassland because she's the thing that's missing; she's what made this place feel like home and her not being here is what will always make this place feel wrong.

Torie

When Fisher told me, I'd been invited to Belle's bachelorette party, I was understandably excited. Belle was one of my closest friends in high school as well as when I first went to college, and I liked Lilly when I met her before. And like everyone else who knew them I was stunned when she and Max broke up, so them getting back together reaffirms my decidedly limited belief in true love. Obviously, I might have been less excited if I'd realized that no one knew that the girl Fisher was bringing with him was me, but none the less, I still expected to have a great time. But so far. the jury is still out. Belle isn't acting like we were ever friends, and, while Lilly inviting me to sleep over seemed like a friendly thing to do, I can't help feeling there's an ulterior motive to her hospitality. I'm going to remain optimistic because Fisher really wanted this weekend to work, but I'm not going to drop my guard either.

"Georgia!" I exclaim, when she greets us at the door. "I haven't been here since the house was finished. It's gorgeous."

"Well thank you Torie." She says, showing me in. "Feel free to explore. I'm so glad you're here, but I didn't realize you were coming. You and Carson aren't back together, are you?"

I force a smile and say, "No. Actually I'm with Fisher now."

"Remember I told you that Fisher was bringing someone." Belle explains, rescuing me. I guess maybe she doesn't completely hate me after all. Then she pulls Georgia off to the side to whisper and I feel like I'm back in high school where the popular girls would be talking about me.

"Come meet Grace. She's absolutely beautiful." Lilly says taking my arm.

We walk to the pack-n-play where a beautiful little girl with dark hair like Georgia's is asleep and oblivious to all the party going on around her. When I was a little girl, I always wanted kids, and then as a young teenager I assumed I'd have them; doesn't everyone get married and have kids eventually? But after everything my family went through with Alex, I reached a point where the thought of being totally responsible for another human being seemed the most terrifying thought imaginable. But lately I find myself looking longingly at parents and children passing me on the street. I don't have to wonder how much of that has to do with Fisher. He's never said that he wants children, but seeing how well he's taken to being, a caretaker of both me and Alex, I have no trouble envisioning him as a father.

"Torie." I turn at the sound of Claire's voice and I sort of shrink inside. I always loved Carson's mom and I really don't want to see that look of disapproval in her eyes that I've been getting from Belle. "It's so good to see you. When did you get back to our neck of the woods?"

"Well actually I was back here for a while with my parents. I ended up graduating from Mobile and I've been in Montgomery for about seven months. I'm a talent booker for some of the major concert venues." I explain waiting for the inevitable next question.

"Oh good. You can come tell Caity all the reasons why she doesn't need to go away to school for a few years and would instead do better to start out at the University of Mobile." She says excitedly. "So, how are you? Are you dating anyone?"

"Actually, I'm dating Fisher." I admit guiltily.

"Oh Torie." She says turning to me and I'm sure she's about to tell me I broke Carson's heart and I'm not welcome at a party she's hosting, but instead she hugs me. "Please take care of him. You know he would have been better off being raised by wolves than by his parents. He needs a family in the worst way. I'm so happy for you two."

"Really? You don't think I'm a horrible person for dating one of Carson's best friends?" I ask.

She rolls her eyes. "You dated in high school. Of course, I don't. Besides, I love you, but I always knew you were never Carson's type."

Max

Being a bachelor isn't something I ever aspired to. It was all just a means to an end. It had to happen in order to get me to the point where I could marry Belle, so there's not much for me to celebrate. But I'm having a great time, truthfully. Even with Fisher's surprise I've missed being with my two best friends. And for the most part I believe Carson when he says he's okay about Torie and Fisher, and heaven knows they are two who really do belong together. But mostly I'm just ready to get on to the wedding. Although being here at Avery and Claire's tonight makes me feel more than a little nostalgic. It's no surprise when I wander downstairs to the basement where Carson and I lived off and on for a number of years and where the five of us spent so much time just hanging out.

"Hey, you're the guest of honor. What are you doing sneaking off down here? Not having second thoughts cause I'm telling you; you'd have to fight Caity to the death right now for this basement." Avery says, joining me at the bottom of the stairs.

"What's the deal; if she stays here and goes to University of Mobile, she can move into the basement?"

"And we'll pay for her to decorate it however she wants. We know it's a bit of a double standard since Carson went to Grambling, but he had to go where football would pay for it, and she's younger."

"Only because Carson was born old." I answer with a laugh. "And she's playing you, by the way, because she's only staying because the boy is staying."

"We know, but that's the other thing. Since the boy is staying here, we figure if we can keep her in this basement a little longer then we can still have a little say about what goes on with them."

I shake my head. "Funny, because I was just thinking if these walls could talk... more specifically if that couch could talk."

Avery holds his hands up and says, "You know, we've got you both through college. You're a high school coach on the eve of marriage and Carson is in the NFL, and so far, the worst the tabloids can report is that he likes to date a variety of hot blondes. So, if it's all the same to you, I think Claire and I would just as soon not know what these walls and the couch have to say."

"Fair enough." I agree and then I turn to him and say, "You know I had no idea when I was seventeen and Hayden ask you to let me move in, what he was asking of you; how much of a sacrifice that was. You weren't much older than I am now, and you and Claire were just getting your relationship off the ground... with three kids already in the picture. And you still had Hayden to some degree and then, throw me into the mix. Most guys would have thrown up their hands and run screaming. But you didn't. You took me in, and then Claire took me in, and you guys are my family. I mean, Georgia raised me, but when I think of parents, I think of you and Claire. I don't know what would have happened to me if you hadn't been there."

He shakes his head. "I'd spent a lot of time trying to get Hayden to trust me after everything he'd been through as a kid. Him asking me to let you move in was the first sign that maybe he did. But once you were there, you were part of the family. I wouldn't have left you behind for anything; not that anyone would have let me. Let's face it, Carson and you are closer than most brothers so you're a big part of the reason he finally accepted me at all. And as far as Claire is concerned, you're one of hers, the girls adore you and Andy doesn't know a world where you're not one of his two big brothers so, there you have it. Most people get to be part of a family by birthright, but you're a part of this family all on your own merit. That says a lot."

I think on it for a minute... about how distrustful Carson was of him to begin with. Even Claire took a long time to actually let him into her life and her kids' lives. But now Carson thinks the world of him, Caity and Celia call him dad, and Claire happily had another baby with him. I put my arm around him, and I say, "Hey, you know what? So are you."

Lilly

I wonder what Carson is doing. It's after 10:00. Not late for bachelor or bachelorette parties, but most of the guest have gone. It's just Belle, Torie, Claire and of course, Georgia. Claire adores Torie. I didn't see that coming. Carson told me his mom never liked Torie because she was too sexy. Is it an insult when your boyfriend tells you his mom will like you better than his old girlfriend because his old girlfriend was too sexy?

I've tried on several occasions to put myself in her orbit and strike up a conversation with her. She's been nothing but friendly, but she's made no effort to become my friend. I'm wondering if we're not making a huge mistake hiding our relationship. If Carson and I were "together" she'd approach me as his girlfriend and hopefully she'd be trying to make a good impression too and she'd want me to like her as well. But as it is, she's going to decide whether she likes or dislikes me entirely on my own merit and, if it's the latter, that's not likely to change once she finds out Carson and I are dating.

"So, what other embarrassing bachelorette party games do we have planned?" Belle asks excitedly when Georgia comes back from putting Grace to bed. It makes me miss Madi. I called her a little while ago to talk to her before bedtime. I haven't seen her since yesterday morning before work, and I won't see her until the wedding on Saturday. That's the longest I've ever been away from her; including my long weekend in Baltimore. I missed her terribly that weekend, but admittedly, I was too happy to dwell on it for too long.

"Belle sweetie, I hate to break it to you, but you have boring friends. All your co-workers have left and all you've got now are both mothers of the groom, Lilly, who's also a mom and Torie. Torie, you got anything?"

Torie shakes her head sadly and says, "Sorry, you're the only female friends I have. We could watch The Notebook. That's like girl porn."

"Ooh Max loves when I watch the Notebook." Belle says dreamily.

"So, does Fisher."

"So, does Hayden."

"So, does Avery."

They all three say at the same time. "So, does Carson." I think truthfully, remembering the afternoon we watched it when he came to stay after his guys' weekend in Tuscaloosa. I attacked him afterwards. I wish I could say that out loud.

"Really?" Belle and Georgia say in unison and then I realize it's directed at Claire.

"Yes really." She says indignantly. "Do you think that just because we're over thirty and have a half-dozen-children between us that we don't 'Notebook', because we do."

"Well I certainly hope so. We're twenty-eight after all." Georgia says.

"Well if we're talking about old married couples; you and Hayden have it over everybody." Belle teases. "How long have you been 'together'?"

"Well assuming those air quotes around 'together' mean 'together'; the answer is since we were too young." She answers guiltily.

"How young is too young?" Torie asks.

"Not quite fifteen." She says, covering her face. "Oh my God I would kill Ryder or Grace either one! But you have to remember, we had no raising whatsoever. We wanted to, so it just never even occurred to either of us not to. We were lucky. And... well... I was lucky. He was a very fast learner."

"Obviously. We've all hung out on the water with you two." Torie teases.

"You're one to talk." Belle says. "God, how many times did Max and I think we were going to have to turn the hose on you and Carson?"

"Ewww." Claire says, putting her hands over her ears.

"Well you're one to talk." I say to Belle. "I slept on the other side of the wall from you. I bought earplugs for when Max came to visit."

"Ewww." Georgia repeats, following Claire's example.

"I think this circle is way too incestuous for this particular bachelorette party game." Torie teases.

"No, no, no. This is the most fun we've had all night. Georgia told about her first time which, by the way, ewww... was about my big brother. So, who's next?" Belle says' excitedly.

"It's your party Belle." I point out.

"Okay, well both of my first times were with Max and both were in his truck."

"Both? You have two first times?" Claire asks with a laugh.

"Yes, the time when we weren't in love. And, the time that counted, when we were. But actually, both times were really great. The first time, I think is when I started to fall in love with him. He was so sweet, and careful."

I don't point out that he couldn't have been that careful since she got pregnant, but she reads my mind and quickly amends her statement.

"I mean he was careful with me; with my feelings and everything. Of course, it was his first time too." She clarifies. "And the next time, was two nights before he left for basic training and... I just couldn't wait anymore. I couldn't live without him for another minute."

"I envy you and Max that you've only ever been with each other." Georgia says wistfully. "That's how Hayden and I started out, but then... things got so crazy and we were apart for a couple of years. Time apart made everything complicated."

"We know when and who, but where was your first time?" Torie asks Georgia.

"On the couch in my living room, with my sweet little Max asleep down the hall." She answers which draws a screech from Belle.

"Gross." She says, kicking her feet. "That's my fiancé asleep and my brother you were doing it with."

"I listened to yours. That was my baby brother you were in the truck with." She reminds her. "And if Belle gets to have two first times, then I get to have three."

"Why do you get three?" Belle asks.

"Because... it's my house and because they're really good stories." She argues before beginning. "So, they were all with Hayden. The only one who wasn't Hayden, didn't count. And his many who weren't me, definitely didn't count. So, our second first time was when we got back together at Christmas of my sophomore year of college... that time was in my bedroom. Max was at Carson's. That time was amazing... and I always wished that had been our real first time. Our real first time we were too stupid to know that it mattered. I wish we could have started there, without the endless string of Gator Babes, without Aimee, without Simon... just us, old enough to know what it meant. And then our third first time was after he got out of prison. We waited a long time that time. We were apart for several weeks because of school and we were fighting. And then there was the fourteen months he was in prison and then for a long time after he got out, he really just needed a friend. So, we waited that whole summer while I was in DC. And then it finally happened, after his grandfather's funeral, on his houseboat. Like I said, our first-first time and the many, many times after that, I don't think we ever really grasped the importance of it. You know, despite what we wanted to believe as teenagers, sex changes everything. But that time we got it. And after agreeing to be just friends for such a long time, we got what a big deal it really was."

Belle looks at our faces; I'm sure mine looks just as dreamy and starry eyed as Torie's, and she laughs and says, "And that look on your faces is exactly why I had such a crush on Hayden. It had nothing to do with Hayden and everything to do with having 'that'... that thing that they have."

"Hey you forget... I lived with Max and Belle the epic saga." I say and Torie nods.

"I know. God every couple felt inferior to you two. So, what if you had to turn the hose on me and Carson when I wore a string bikini. You could have shown up to school in a parka and galoshes with chicken pox and Max would have still looked at you like you were the culmination of every hope, dream and desire he ever had."

She shrugs and says, "And Fisher looked at you the same way."

"Yeah, but I didn't deserve that look back then. You did."

"Why?" Belle asks seriously.

Torie thinks about it for a minute before answering, "Because you looked at Max the exact same way that he looked at you."

Georgia smiles, and I know, like me, she's thinking of how close Belle and Max came to losing that magical thing that they had, and what a devastating thing that would be for both of them. She shakes her head and says, "Okay Torie, it's your turn."

"I don't want to." Torie whines.

"Oh, come on. Georgia and I told ours in front of each other." Belle argues.

Claire clears her throat and, in a tone dripping with sarcasm, says, "Torie couldn't possibly be reluctant to tell this because she's in front of me because I know that my baby boy is the only hot, rich, single, twenty-five-year-old virgin in the NFL, and, I'm confident, that the Victoria's Secret model he dated last year was just a very good friend."

"Okay fine." Torie admits ruefully. "Obviously, mine was with Carson and it was on prom night."

"Wait a minute. You're telling me you ended up doing it on prom night after all?" Belle says with feigned shock and horror. "You said having sex on prom night was a cliché."

"I said it was a cliché. I never said it was a bad idea." Torie teases. "I mean, there we were... he looked so yummy in his tuxedo and I had on that fabulous black dress."

"It fit like skin." Belle clarifies.

"It did. And everyone was in a bedroom at Fisher's house and we ended up in the bedroom where he'd asked me to be his girlfriend a few months before. I don't know, I started thinking about what you and I had talked about, and I just thought... he was the one. I mean, I knew he wasn't the forever one, but he was the first one. The first guy I ever loved. And he was so nice and sweet, and I knew we were going to be breaking up soon when he went to college. I just thought, 'I could wait for someone who may never show up or I could be with this really sweet, nice guy and have a great first memory. So, I did. I've never regretted it."

"You did it as sort of a way to end on a good note? I think a lot of times girls do it because they're trying to make something last that shouldn't." I say sadly, thinking of my first time, but I don't volunteer it.

"Are you saying your first time was in Fisher's house?" Georgia asks incredulously.

"I know. I know... the irony. Don't think he doesn't use that against me every chance he gets." She says with a laugh.

"Not in his actual bedroom?" I ask.

"Oh God no. Even I couldn't have done that."

"What about it Torie? Carson obviously counted. Anyone else?" Claire asks.

"Well there were a few who didn't in college. And then there's Fisher."

"Does Fisher count?" Belle asks seriously.

She smiles. "Fisher definitely counts. Fisher could teach a class on counting."

"Congratulations." We all tease.

"No, seriously... Fisher is the one that really counts. It still scares me a little... a lot... It used to scare me because I thought he wasn't dependable or maybe even not trustworthy. Now I know that he's the one guy I can always count on, but I sometimes still worry if I deserve it."

"If you're worried about it, then odds are you do." Claire reasons.

"Okay Lilly, your turn." Torie says turning to me and I shrink at the thought of telling Carson's first time about my "less-than-remarkable" first time... especially in front of Carson's mom.

"No, I don't want to. Mine wasn't that interesting and it's no one you all know." I argue waving dismissively.

"So what. We all told. You have to too." Belle states firmly.

"Okay I can't say my first one, who by the way is my only one, didn't count because that's how I got Madi, and she's the best thing in my whole world. But otherwise, it left a lot to be desired. I knew we were drifting apart, and I thought, maybe this would make us closer. But it just made it a whole lot worse when it actually ended."

"Did you love him?" Claire asks, and I wish I could say yes. I wish I could tell the mother of the one that I love; the one that counts even though we haven't even made love yet... I so wish I could tell her that I was in love my first time. But I wasn't, and I don't want to lie to her. So, I tell her the unfortunate truth.

"No. I wanted to be in love with him. I thought that it would make me be in love with him." I explain looking at Belle. "I looked around at everyone else... at you and Max... and you were having sex and you were so much in love and I thought, maybe sex is the thing that's missing. Maybe if I have sex with him, I'll feel like Belle. But I didn't, and I realize now that I wanted to be in love, but I wasn't. I was just a slightly desperate, obviously very fertile because I got pregnant even on birth control... virgin. But I wasn't in love."

"I wasn't either." Claire says. "With Carson's dad. I thought I was because he was so good looking, and different, and a little bit dangerous. He was older, and he made me feel brave and worldly, but when I realized I was pregnant and he was nowhere in sight, I realized that I didn't want him to be. I guess I was no better than the stereotypical guys. I wanted him that night, but I didn't want him around afterwards. I was terrified to be pregnant and alone, but I was kind of relieved that he didn't step up and be in it with me, and I know Carson and I were better off without him. And... like Lilly said... it counts because I got Carson, but it was not a good experience."

"Mine either." I admit with sheepish laugh. "I was terrified, and he was awkward, and I just wanted it to be..."

"Over." Claire fills in the blank for me and I nod in agreement. "Same here. But trust me. It does get better. For the record I was fifteen and it was in... yes... the stable. How's that for a cliché? There was no one after him until the girls' dad. It was better, but still not great. And then there was Avery. With Avery it got a lot better... it keeps getting better. I made Avery wait till our wedding night. I guess I got things a little backwards, but it was... exactly the way it should be; worth the wait."

I smile as a sign of my approval and she makes eye-contact and smiles back. So maybe we can eventually be friends, after all.

Claire looks at all of us and says, "I have to admit that I'm surprised that none of your first times were on our boat. I thought doing it on our boat was a rite of passage or something."

We all look at each other and everyone looks suddenly guilty.

"Well it certainly wasn't our first time, but we did it on the boat... all the time." Georgia admits.

"Us too." Belle says uncomfortably.

"Me and Carson too." Torie says with a sigh.

"Well Fisher and I didn't have sex, but we did go there to make out." I finally throw in.

"You made out with Fisher?" Georgia says, looking from me to Torie and back again. "Way to go."

"Well... haha... us too." Claire says, laughing at all of our scandalized faces. "When we were first dating we used to wait till Hayden came home so we'd know it was safe for us to go there and make out, and after we got married... well it's hard to be newlyweds in a three-bedroom apartment with two little girls and two teenaged boys so we used to sneak out and leave Carson and Max with the girls. They had no idea what we were up to."

"I can't wait to tell him that one." I say and they all look at me curiously and I realize what I've just said. "I mean Max... for Belle to tell Max. Isn't that like the first rule of marriage that you have to tell him everything?"

Georgia

Hayden comes in at just before midnight carrying a sleeping Ryder, just as Claire and I finish cleaning up the party. When Claire leaves and the girls all finally fall asleep, I go upstairs and kiss my 'one that counts'. Even in sleep he reaches for me, but I evade him and go into the bathroom and dial my phone hoping it's not too late.

"Hello."

"I'm sorry. I know it's late. Did I wake you?" I say guiltily.

Aimee's laughter travels across the miles, and she says, "You know I'm a night owl. What's going on? Is everyone okay?"

"Oh, we're fine. I had a sleep over, bachelorette party for Belle at my house tonight. I've got these girls all passed out in my living room. You know we've been bonding, talking about our first loves, first kisses, first times, best times etc., etc. Anyway, they're all so young and they were sweet to include me, but they know each other's stories and people. It just made me miss my friend who knows all my firsts...in some cases a little too intimately, but we don't dwell on that."

"Awww, I miss you too. I might cry." She says, and even across the phone lines I know she's telling me the truth.

I laugh and say, "I'm still nursing and hormonal. So, what's your excuse?"

"Well I'm definitely not hormonal... not for that reason anyway." She says with a laugh.

"What are you really doing awake at this time? Isn't it almost two o'clock there?"

"Like I said, I'm a night owl. Just enjoying watching my beloved sleep." She says, and I smile because I know how much she means it.

"Come home... at least for a visit. I miss you. And we'd love to get to spend time with you guys."

"I will try soon." She says, and I know how much she wants to, but I also know she's lying.

"I'm going to keep asking until you do. I've only seen you once since my wedding and you haven't even seen Grace or met Ryder. It's too much. But tonight, I'm going to let it go. So, go get some sleep."

"You too. Take care of that baby girl and both of your guys." She scolds and then adds. "And thanks for calling and thank you for being my best friend. I hope you know it means everything to me."

Fisher

It's been a weird day. At first, I thought it was all going to be fine, just as I'd told Torie it would be. But as the night has gone on, Carson has gotten edgier; edgier and eerily calm... trademark sign that Carson Jennings is about to lower the boom. I feel like I'm on the Titanic sailing across flat calm waters straight into an iceberg. That, combined with missing Torie, finally prompted me to get out of bed and go for a drive. Normally a drive through Grassland settles me down as only home can, but tonight I'm still worried. So, I ended up at the marina on Avery's boat. It's true that I don't have as many good memories here as Carson and Max have, but it was still a favorite place of ours.

"Damn, of all the people I wanted to end up with here, you are at the bottom of my list."

I turn and see Carson stepping aboard and I can't help laughing and saying. "Keep your distance. I already told you I'm not gay."

"Yeah, but I didn't believe you." He says, dropping down beside me. "But I guess since you're sleeping with Torie now, I have to, don't I?"

"Well if you need any more proof, I don't have it." I answer and then say, "You still didn't believe me after I told you I wasn't?"

"I figured you wouldn't admit it if you were."

"You wouldn't admit if you were. I'm not one of y'all. If I was gay, I'd have just gone somewhere where it's not a big deal and been gay." I explain and then ask, "So are we gonna talk about it?"

He's quiet for a minute and then says, "How long's it been going on?"

I think about what he's said for a minute and answer, "We got together this summer when she moved to Montgomery."

"That's not what I asked. How long has it been going on?"

"For me? Forever." I answer truthfully. "I walked down the hall my first day at Grassland, I saw Torie, and I was a goner."

He shakes his head and I realize that he's not mad. He's just confused and maybe a little hurt. "Then why did you push me on her? I'd have never made a move on Torie if it hadn't been for you. You were the one who kept telling me she was great. I was happy with my Stepford blondes."

"No, you weren't. And she was great, and you were great. She didn't want me. She made that clear, just like I told you back then. And you were the best guy I knew."

"So how long has it been going on for her?" He asks, angrily.

I don't answer again for a long time, but finally I sigh and say, "Forever also, but it was complicated. She didn't trust me. She thought I was a bad a guy and she wasn't completely wrong. She wanted a good guy that she could trust and depend on, and that was you. You were the most dependable, responsible guy in the world. I told her that. Max told her that. She chose you, and she loved you. We had one almost date at the end of junior year and then she went away to Mexico, and when she came home, she made it clear she didn't want me, and she asked me about you. And nothing ever happened with us until after the trip to Grambling and then after that, prom and then nothing until we got together over the summer. She didn't want to tell you because she didn't want you to think that what happened with you didn't mean anything. Because it did. And also, because she didn't want you to be mad at me."

"You lied to me when we were all together in October."

"I know." I say because I felt guilty about it then and I still do. "I hated not telling you, but she wasn't ready yet."

We don't talk for a while and then he says, "I didn't love Torie... I mean... I high school loved her, but I didn't really love her. I thought I did. I was even ready to give committed long distance a try after her first year at Florida. We were pretty intense for a few days when she was home that summer, and Max and Belle were making long distance look completely doable. But before I could ask, she told me she was moving to Gainesville permanently and she wanted us to end things completely. You know I realized tonight that after Grambling we were only intense when you were around."

"Yeah, after prom she went to some pretty extreme lengths to push me away." I admit. "Sorry about that."

He laughs and says, "Hey, I got the good end of that deal, right?"

We sit in silence again and this time I break it when I ask, "So why did you think I was gay?"

He gives me a long hard look and says, "You ass. You were my girlfriend's best friend. She told you everything before she told me. You helped her pick out clothes. If you weren't gay... then I was a fool."

"You weren't a fool. If anyone was a fool, it was me. I was the fifth wheel that kept hanging around when she gave me no encouragement. I promise you, if you'd told me then that we'd be here now, I'd have said you were crazy. It wasn't until her prom that I realized that I wasn't alone in the way I felt, but by then she had all this family drama going on. Bad timing." I sigh and say, "So when you say people thought I was gay, you mean you though it."

"Yeah, pretty much just me... And I tried to convince Torie. Obviously, it didn't work."

"Well you know what? For what it's worth, the fact that you thought it... even if in the back of your mind you probably knew it wasn't true... and you were still friends with me... you being you and all; it means a lot to me." I say truthfully.

"We're sitting alone on a boat in the moonlight. I hope you're not waiting for a hug." He says and we both laugh.

"You're an ass Carson Jennings."

"Yeah, well maybe." He admits and then says, "Okay, two things. First of all, you were never a fifth wheel. I don't know how it worked, but it never felt weird with it being the five of us. We were just the five of us; that was out group. Besides, if there was a fifth wheel it was probably me."

"You couldn't be the fifth wheel." I argue. "If anything, you were the car and we were the four wheels."

"What?"

"You know. You were the center; the thing that held us all together."

He nods and says, "And the other thing... don't ever say that you're not one of us. You might not have been born here and you might not feel about every subject the same way that Max and I do, but you're one of us. In some ways, you're more 'one of us' than we are. We were born here. We grew up together. But you chose this place and you chose us... and we chose you. You are one of us."

I sigh and say, "I hope you're not waiting for a hug."

"Ass." He mutters under his breath and then blurts out, "I'm in love with Lilly."

I stare at him incredulously. "Since this afternoon?"

"No... since this summer. We were both at a benefit in the Georgia Dome in July. We've been together ever since." He explains.

"What the hell? Are you guys fighting or what? Why not tell anyone?"

"This coming from you?" He replies.

"I know, but I came clean. Come on. Lilly is amazing. This is the best news ever." I say truthfully. As I think back over the time when we were at Max and Belle's it all makes sense. "That's where you two disappeared to tonight. And that's why I flew you to Atlanta in October."

"Guilty and guilty." He admits and even as he tries to hide it, I can tell he's about to burst.

"You lied to me too in October; me and Max. And that explains why Lilly was being sooo friendly with Torie; keep your enemies closer. She's trying to make sure that Torie isn't going to get in her way." I say conspiratorially.

"Trust me. Lilly has nothing to worry about and no one to be jealous of." He assures me.

"God, you are like stupid in love with her, aren't you?" I tease.

"She's amazing. I've never felt... anything even close to this. I'm ready to buy a ring and book a church and we've never spent more than 72 consecutive hours together." He says shaking his head.

"And her daughter?" I ask, though I know Carson well enough to know he'd never get involved with a single mother if he wasn't ready to be a father. He's been on the other side of that relationship himself and so have his sisters.

"I'm ready to buy her a ring too." He teases. "When we're together, I feel like we're a family. I'm crazy in love with both of them."

"Congratulations. She's a great girl." I say. "We made out here once."

"You're really asking for me to beat the hell out of you, aren't you?" He says seriously.

"Torie lost her virginity to you... in my house." I remind him.

"Okay, I'll let it slide." He concedes.

"So why aren't you telling anyone? Belle and Max would be over the moon; his best friend and her best friend... it's like a Hallmark movie." I say sarcastically.

He sighs and says, "Because about the same time I was ready to tell everyone, I met my dad. He waited for me after a game and introduced himself."

I stare for a minute and then I say, "Damn... you don't have normal human emotions, do you?"

"I sure had them that night. I was a basket case. You can ask Lilly."

"Okay, so what does that have to do with her?"

"My dad is black."

"Really... all this time I thought you just had a good tan." I retort.

"I know you know that my dad is black. It's just... he's black. And Lilly is black."

"Lilly's mom is white." I argue.

"Lilly was raised in a black family. That makes her black. I was raised in a white family. I'm white. I don't say that to... anyone, but I can say it to you. Regardless of the color of my skin, I'm white. I'm like that movie with Steve Martin where he was raised with a black family and he didn't know till he was grown that he wasn't black. I mean, I always knew it, but my whole world was white; mom, Caity, Celia, their dad, Max and Georgia. I never thought of myself as anything other than white until Grambling and then I went out into the world and I'm supposed to be black now."

"I get it, sort of. But what does any of this have to do with you not telling anyone about Lilly? Does it bother you that she's black?"

"No. And it won't bother mom or anyone else, but what will bother them is the fact that I'm going to meet my father and his wife and other two sons next week... and they're all black. And I'm marrying a black girl. And I'm in the NFL. Are you seeing a pattern here?"

I nod. "I get it. But you're wrong. You're not turning your back on your family. You couldn't even if you wanted to. And you just said you're marrying her."

"I am... I mean if she'll say yes, I am." He states with all the certainty and confidence that made us follow him on and off the field. "But there's no way to tell my mom about her and not tell her about my father. Mom and I are too close. If I start talking it'll all come out. And I don't want her to lump Lilly in with him. So, I have to tell her about him first and let her acclimate before I tell her about Lilly. At least that's how I figure it."

"Why do you want to meet him at all? He left you and never wanted anything to do with you? Now you're a Grambling alumnus, and you're in the NFL, and suddenly he wants to be in your life? That's some coincidence."

"He's not going to be in my life... but I need to meet him."

"You know I have a half-brother in Little Rock. He's 15; my mom's. I met him for the first time a few years ago. He wants to come spend a week with me this summer."

"I didn't know that?" He says. "Is that your way of saying I'll never be able to meet his sons and walk away?"

I spread my hands and shrug. "I know how you are about your sisters."

He shakes his head. "It's not the same thing."

"Maybe it is." I argue. "They're innocent in all of this. When you meet them, you're not going to be able to never see them again. How could you? You're you. And once that happens, you're tied to these people for the rest of your life."

"Why are telling me this?" He asks reproachfully.

"Because when you tell your mom this, she's going to say the same thing and you need to have your argument ready." I explain. "So, what's your argument going to be?"

"I.... don't know." He finally says. "I just know that I want to go there and hear what he has to say; ask him face to face how could he treat my mom like he did, and then never see him again."

"And you think you can do that?" I ask skeptically.

"I guess we'll find out." He answers just as we hear footsteps, and both turn to look.

"I'm sorry! I just got your text." Lilly yells coming around the side of the boat but stops short when she sees me.

"Lilly, we were supposed to be a well-kept secret." I tease as she looks at us both in horror.

Carson turns to me and says, "Seriously; begging me to kick your ass, aren't you?"

"Okay, okay. You kinky kids can stay here without me." I say standing to go. "This is not my idea of a good threesome."

"Seriously!" Carson yells after me as I walk to my car. "You're begging me!"

Carson

"It's okay. I told him about us." I say when Fisher is gone.

"You told Fisher, but I can't tell Belle?" She accuses me, and I feel guilty.

"Fisher won't tell my mom... or anyone else for that matter except maybe Torie. But if you have to tell Belle..."

"I don't. I mean, I want to, but if I tell Belle she'll have to keep a secret from Max, and I don't want her to have a secret from Max on their wedding day. Or she'll tell Max and then he'll be mad at you for not telling him and I don't want him to be mad at you on his wedding day." She reasons dropping down beside me. "So how was your party?"

"The most boring bachelor party in the history of earth." I say truthfully. "Yours?"

"Good. I got to hear the play-by-play of the night you lost your virginity from the hot girl you lost it to; the hot girl that showed up with your best friend and got you all mad and broody, moody."

"No." I say shaking my head. "I was not broody, moody at Torie. I was broody, moody at Fisher because he's my friend and he didn't tell me. And because it's been going on forever and I didn't know it. Everyone knew it but me. I pride myself on never being caught off guard. You know that."

She shrugs. "I knew it. I mean, I knew his part of it, and I knew there was something going on with her too. It was impossible not to see. I told Fisher you were obviously cute but stupid."

I know she's sulky about this whole situation and she has a right to be, so I don't let her words hurt me... too much. Instead I put my arm around her and sigh when she relaxes against me. "At least you thought I was cute."

She laughs and looks up at me and then we're kissing, and I feel like all the stuff that's been eating at me today fades into the background and I'm doing the one thing that matters.

"I needed this. I needed you." I say. "How long has it been since we were together at Christmas?"

"Two and a half weeks."

"It feels like forever." I say truthfully.

She looks up again and takes my face in her hands and says, "Do you know what Fisher said when I told him you were cute but stupid? He said 'QB is the smartest guy I know. If he thinks that he and Torie have something he has a good reason.' Yes, there was clearly something going on between them back then, but there was something between you and her too. I know I sound pathetic and insecure, but I have to ask, is it over; is it over for you?"

"You could never sound pathetic and you have nothing to be insecure about. What I had with her wasn't even a drop in the bucket compared to you. To even talk about them in the same sentence is an insult to you; to what we have. On my life, I swear, you have nothing to be jealous about."

"Okay." She says, pulling my face back toward hers and kissing me with abandon that is new and very enticing. When she pulls me down on the boat deck beside her it's all I can do to hold onto what little self-control I have when I'm with her.

"I think we're crossing a line." I say, as my lips leave her mouth and trail down to below her ear and then her neck.

"Good. Let's cross lines. I've missed you so much and I... I want this; you." She says desperately... pulling me closer to her.

"I thought... we're waiting, aren't we?" I ask, pulling back to look at her.

She shakes her head. "We were. But I'm tired of waiting. Aren't you tired of waiting? I want you now; tonight." She says, pulling at the buttons on my shirt.

My heart explodes with joy as I give in and kiss her passionately. She clings to me and then her hands are under my shirt and my lips are on her neck and everything that has ever gone before doesn't matter anymore. She's the only one that will ever matter.

And then somewhere in the back of my mind I hear her tell me that Fisher said that QB was the smartest guy he knows. And I know that right at this moment I'm choosing to be stupid because I want her more than I've ever wanted anyone in my life. But I also love her more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. And I want her to have everything she wants and no matter what she thinks at this moment, this isn't what she wants.

"Okay stop." I say, pulling away and sitting up. "How much of this is because you're really ready and how much is because you had to sit through listening to Torie talk about us tonight?"

She sits up as well and looks at me. "About 98% is because I'm ready. The other 2% is because of Torie."

I nod. "Okay, let's get one thing straight. I want you right now so much my teeth hurt. I want you that much all the time. There's never going to be a time when you're going to be ready when I'm not. But what do you say we wait till that 98% gets to 100%?"

She's quiet for a minute but then says softly, "What if that doesn't happen; I mean... until I get married?"

I reach for her hand and say, "As long as you marry me, I'm okay with that."

She smiles and says, "I guess this would have been a little bit weird. I mean... you were with Torie here... Belle and Max, Hayden and Georgia... even your mom and Avery did it here."

"Oh God." I say closing my eyes against the mental picture. "You mean when Torie was giving the play-by-play of my first time, my mom was there."

"Front and center baby."

I shudder and say, "Well... that was just the shot of ice water I needed to put an end to this potentially dangerous encounter."

She laughs, and I move back to her side and cup her cheek. "God, does it make me shallow to say that I feel like such a rock star because I'm able to make you jealous? You are so poised and strong; you just walk through a room and it's like no one could ever shake your confidence. I love that you're like that, but it's also such a turn-on that I get to see the unsure mess that you are on the inside."

"There's no way anyone sees me like that. I am not that person." She argues.

"Yes, you are. That's why other guys don't approach you. You're too intimidating."

"And you're just poised and self-confident enough that I didn't intimidate you?" She teases.

I shake my head. "Nope. You intimidated me most of all. I just happen to have the same talent for looking very together and self-possessed on the outside and being very insecure and timid on the inside. I like that I get to see you when you're a mess because it makes it okay for me to be a mess too."

She wraps her arms around me, and I decide that even knowing that I'm sitting where my mom had sex isn't enough to make me not want Lilly; but I pull it together and pull her closer because I know she needs this now and truthfully so do I.

"I did something I shouldn't have tonight." I say softly. She looks up at me with wide eyes and I laugh. "It didn't have anything to do with Torie or anyone else for that matter. It's just that I have this bad habit of talking about the important things in my life with people who aren't that important. I used to do it to Max all the time. I talked about all the big stuff to Belle, because if she told me I was wrong or making a mistake it wouldn't hurt as much as it would if Max did it. We fought it about it forever before he finally just kind of accepted it."

"You mean like telling Fisher about me tonight instead of telling Max?" She asks.

I shake my head. "No. I told Fisher because Fisher is the guy you tell secrets to; he doesn't talk, and he doesn't judge. I also told him about my father."

"What did he say?"

"The same thing you say; why do I want to meet him at all?" I tell her and then continue. "No, the mistake tonight was that I talked to Caleb Sanders about something; I told him that last Sunday's game... was my last game. I'm not renewing my contract."

"You're leaving the NFL?" She says incredulously.

I nod. "And I'm sorry because I should have talked to you about it. I want you to be the person that I talk about all the big stuff with. I'm sorry, but yes. I'm leaving the NFL."

"Is this because of me?" She asks after a long pause, her voice rife with anxiety.

"No." I lie too quickly. Of course, it's because of her, but if she even has to ask... especially with that much trepidation in her tone... maybe she's not ready to know that.

"It's just time. I don't love it anymore. I don't like being the poster child for black quarterbacks. It doesn't feel like an honest living to me."

"Okay." She says with a nod. "Good for you. There's nothing worse than an athlete who stays too long. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks." I say softly. "So, does that mean, you'll be interested in helping me fill my free time... until I decide on a new career path that is?"

She smiles and kisses me softly. "I can't wait."

Belle

The next morning, I wake early, but realize I'm still the last to rise. Hayden and Georgia are making breakfast, and my parents are sitting at the bar talking to them about last minute wedding details. I know having the wedding here is not her first choice, but my mom has been on her best behavior throughout the entire planning process. Though it still throws me a little when I walk into the kitchen and find her bouncing Grace on her lap and talking to her like she's actually a grandmother.

"Good morning sleepy head." She says when I walk in and then adds, "You girls must have partied hard last night."

"Oh yes, Georgia moved the pack-n-play out of the way, so we could set up the stage for the strippers." I tease, and she pops me on the back of the leg.

"Where are Lilly and Torie?" I ask, looking around.

"Lilly is upstairs in our bathroom getting ready and Torie went for a run." Georgia answers.

I reach for Grace and my mom lets me have her. Ryder comes to stand beside me and says, "So is Torie the hot one with the tattoo?"

"Ryder Stone!" Georgia screeches, but Hayden can't hide his laughter.

She turns to him wielding a spatula and says, "Hayden James Nichols, what did y'all talk about in front of him last night?"

"Georgia, I'm almost eight. I know a hot girl when I see one." Ryder replies.

I look at my mom to see if she has fainted, but she and my dad look only slight amused.

"You don't think Lilly's hot?" I ask.

"She's really pretty I guess, but she's short. I like tall girls."

Hayden winks at Georgia and says, "That's my boy."

"How do you know she has a tattoo?" Georgia asks.

"I saw it." He answers with a shrug.

"The music thing on her hip?" Hayden asks, now sounding a little screechy as well, and Georgia narrows her eyes at him.

"No, the airplane on her ankle. She's got one on her hip too?" He says with wide-eyed enthusiasm.

"Awww, she got an airplane for Fisher." I say, and then I think about how awful I've been to her and I feel extremely terrible.

I hand Grace back to mom and say, "I'm going to use Ryder's bathroom and get ready, but when Torie gets back tell her I need to talk to her."

I'm just drying my hair when I hear a knock at the door and Torie comes in, still dressed from her run.

"Is everything okay?" She asks.

"No. I've been a total bitch to you and I'm sorry. It has nothing to do with you; really. You know I was always in yours and Fisher's corner, and I still am."

"I know." She says, her eyes filled with concern. "That's why I was so upset. I thought you were the one person who would be happy."

"It's not about you. It's about..."

"Carson, I know. But really, I talked to Fisher this morning and apparently, they worked out all their drama last night. It's all good." She explains.

"Well I'm glad to hear that, but it's not about Carson. You know I always told you Carson wasn't pining away for you. It's about Lilly. She's hiding something from me, and I don't know what it is, but the last time she kept a big secret from me, it was a baby. So, I'm concerned. I thought that she and I would have plenty of time to talk this weekend..."

"And now I'm here."

I nod, "Yes, but it doesn't even matter because she's not talking anyway. I'm worried, and I don't know what to do about it. And also... don't hate me... but I was kind of planning on fixing up her and Fisher."

"Lilly and Fisher?" Torie says with a bemused expression.

"I'm sorry, but you appeared to be entirely out of the picture. And you know they'd make a cute little couple... little, short, beautiful people."

"You knew Fisher was bringing a date."

"Yeah, but I was expecting some Taylor Marsh slut, not you. Anyway, please just write it off to Bridezilla and let's be friends again. I'm so glad you're here, and I'm so happy for you and Fisher. You completely belong together."

"Absolutely. And no one deserves a happy ending more than you and Max." She says hugging me tightly.

"Okay, so are you up for a day of mani-pedis with Lilly and me?" I ask excitedly.

"I wish, but no. Fisher is on his way to get me. We're going to see my parents. Ugh. But this will you give you and Lilly some time to talk."

I smile and then ask. "When did you get the airplane tattoo?"

She smiles wistfully. "When I first went to Gainesville, I missed Fisher so much there were times I could hardly breathe. The airplane reminded me of the time he took me flying, and I fell in love with him. It gave me hope that we'd find our way back to each other someday."

"Wow. That was on your ankle? Who got your hip?"

She laughed. "The hip was because I didn't want my parents to know. It was a treble clef for my brother... because he was gone, and I missed him so much I couldn't breathe."

"You never talk about your brother. I forget about him sometimes. Where is he now?"

"Actually, he's living in Montgomery with me... well I guess I'm living with Fisher and Alex is living in my apartment. He had a lot of problems when he was younger; hurt our family a lot. But he's trying. And Fisher is wonderful with him. God, if I didn't love him already, I would love him for the way he's taking care of Alex; the way he takes care of me. "

"I think you bring out the best in him."

She shakes her head. "No. He brings out the best in me. He's actually taking me to see my parents to talk about my brother. We're going to tell them that Alex has worked hard to get beyond his past and he deserves to be back in our family again. If they don't agree, then we're not a part of it either... my mom adores Fisher so, I'm optimistic. "

We laugh together but I know she's scared. I can sympathize because I know how much I once wanted Hayden to be a real part of our family.

Torie turns to go but turns back and says, "By the way... have you ever thought of fixing Lilly up with Carson?"

"Oh yeah like that could happen." I say sarcastically, pulling a handful of hair through the flat iron.

"I'd think you'd be all about that; he's Max's best friend. She's your best friend. It's like a Hallmark movie."

I shake my head. "Nothing would make me happier, but Mr. NFL's most-eligible bachelor and saint Lilly. That's laughable. Besides, she's most definitely not his type."

Torie shrugs. "I don't know. I sure wasn't his type, but we had a good run. And a heck of a good time while it lasted. Maybe they should give it a try."

I watch her walk out of the bathroom and I roll my eyes. "Lilly and Carson... like that could ever happen."

Claire

I'm setting the tables in the church fellowship hall with lasagna and bread baskets. I know the Carpenters aren't thrilled with the wedding being at Hayden and Georgia's, and they're probably not thrilled that we're having the rehearsal dinner here at our church. But Georgia and I thought that with unpredictable weather we'd do well not to chance it two days in a row. The ceremony is in the afternoon tomorrow and the reception is in the early evening. It's supposed to be in the mid 50's tomorrow night, but Hayden and Avery have a couple of bonfires planned for the lawn and we've rented heaters to put out on the deck. Belle had her heart set on an outdoor wedding, but tonight she's getting an indoor rehearsal dinner.

I left the rehearsal to come and start setting up, but I'm expecting guests to start arriving any minute now. And just then I look up and see one of my most favorite guys coming in the door.

"Carson, my beautiful baby boy. You've been MIA for days." I say stepping toward him. "I am mad at you. BUT I will forgive you if you spend some time with me."

He smiles, and I immediately recognize it as his 'ice-man' smile. My son is hiding something from me; something big. But he smiles and says, "I am wrapped up in the whole 'best man' thing, but I promise once the wedding is over, I will spend some real time here." He kisses my cheek absently. "I miss you... all of you."

"Carson Evan Jennings, I know when you're hiding something. If you don't talk to me, you leave me to imagine all the worst possibilities." I say, squeezing his cheeks. "But for the moment you have my permission to go and take care of my other baby boy. Go be Max's best man. But when the wedding over, you're mine."

He smiles and this one is a little more genuine. "Yes ma'am."

I watch him walk away toward Max and Fisher, and I turn to start filling glasses with ice when Belle joins me.

"Hands off. You're the guest of honor." I scold.

"I just wanted to thank you for this. Georgia has been swamped getting the house ready and it means the world that you did all of this."

"I am most happy to get to help." I assure her. "So, what do you know about Carson? Please tell me this isn't about Torie Reyes. She's a sweet girl, but she was never right for him. "

Belle shakes her head. "I'm not sure what is going on with him, but all indications are that it has nothing to do with Torie and Fisher. He and Fisher seem closer than ever. But he definitely seems off, and I have no idea why. It's obviously going around though because something is wrong with Lilly too."

"You know I really like her." I say truthfully. "She's pretty and smart... a little sassy and she seems strong; just an all-around good girl."

"She is. But the last big secret she had was when she got pregnant. And that break-up took such a toll on her. She is strong. Lord knows she held me together when I fell-apart last year. But she can also be pretty fragile too... especially her heart."

I nod and say, "Sounds a lot like Carson."

Belle gives me a strange look and says, "I never thought about that before, but you're right. Maybe she and Carson do have some things in common."

"He should be with someone like her." I say and then I realize what I've just said, and I grab Belle's shoulders and say, "You should totally set them up with each other. She's perfect for him."

"You really think so?" Belle says skeptically. "Torie said the same thing to me, earlier. But I just don't see it. She's not his type."

"What does that matter?" I argue. "I had 'relationships' with three men and they each couldn't have been more different. Types don't matter when you're in love. And besides, his type obviously hasn't worked out in the past."

Dinner goes off without a hitch and everyone is mingling and talking. I make my way to the kitchen and come up just as Lilly drops her phone in her handbag with one hand and appears to be wiping away a stray tear with the other.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt." I say sympathetically.

She shakes her head and laughs ruefully. "I'm fine; just telling my little girl goodnight. I've never spent three nights away from her before. Belle wanted me here Wednesday night, so I could be with her yesterday for all the last-minute errands, but I wish I hadn't come so soon. I miss her like crazy."

I nod and step towards her. "I worked so many hours when Carson was a baby; and when my girls were little. They were crazy hours that meant strangers put him to bed and he put the girls to bed. It was no way to raise children. But children are very resilient. They handle it better than you'd think."

"I know. She's with my granny and she's having a ball. I'm the basket case." She says, sniffling a little.

"Being a single mother isn't easy." I say sadly. "You have twice the worry, twice the responsibility and half the hands and feet. I wouldn't trade what I had with my Carson and the girls for anything, but I'm telling you. It's a lot easier raising Andy with the help of a father. And it helps that Avery is an amazing father; not just to Andy but to the girls and even to Carson and Max."

"He thinks the world of him." She says wistfully and then adds, "Max... Max thinks the world of Avery."

"You know this is none of my business, but I could see it last night when all the talk turned to relationships that you had a deer in the headlights sort of look. I meant what I said, it gets better; and not just the sex part. When you've been hurt by someone, especially the someone who not only rejects you but the child that you love more than life it makes it hard to trust anyone again. I know. I went through it twice, first with Carson's dad and then Caity and Celia's. But I encourage you not to give up. Because if you can find an Avery, it is so worth it."

"Thank you, Claire." She says, and I get the distinct feeling that she's holding something back; that behind that pretty smile of hers is a story she needs to tell. But she hugs me instead and says, "You talking to me about this means a lot."

"Hey, how was..." I hear Carson say behind us, but he stops dead with a startled look on his face. It takes a lot to catch my son off guard. Based on what Belle says, it's something that he and Lilly have in common, but she looks obviously uncomfortable as well.

"Hey mom." He says quickly. "I was just looking for Lilly. We have some best man/maid of honor duties to discuss. Can I steal her?"

"With my blessing." I say truthfully watching him take her elbow and the two of them walk away. Perhaps Belle and I have waited too late to play matchmaker. I'm wondering if maybe these two found their way to one another on their own.

Carson

"That was a close one." Lilly says when we round the corner together away from my mother.

"I know. And she's on to me already. When are you going back to Atlanta?" I ask, ushering her into a storage closet off the fellowship hall.

"I guess Sunday. The Carpenters are graciously putting up Granny, Madi and me Saturday night. Where are you, Fisher and Torie staying after the wedding since Max and Belle aren't leaving for Mexico till Sunday?"

"I guess I'll stay at home. Fisher said something about a hotel. I wish you and Madi could stay a few more days; after the newlyweds leave, you could stay at their house. They wouldn't care."

"I have work Monday. What is this about?"

I shake my head. "I just want you with me is all. I'm going to talk to my mom on Sunday. I wish you could be there with me."

"I can stay until later in the day on Sunday and drive back that night." She offers, but I shake my head again.

"I'm a big boy. I'll be okay alone. Just promise me you'll be waiting when it's done." I say softly. "I called my realtor this afternoon."

She interrupts me and says, "You have a realtor?"

"And a broker." I say with a wink and then continue. "I called my realtor and asked her to find me an apartment in Atlanta. So how was Madi tonight?"

"Good. She sounds fine. I miss her like crazy of course." She says looking around. "I should go. Belle has turned into a total Bridezilla. If I get more than 50ft away from her she starts breaking into hives."

"Hang in there. This time tomorrow all that will be left is the clean-up."

I watch her walk away, and as always; I miss her the minute she's gone. But it's amazing how much better I feel just knowing that Fisher, and likely Torie, knows about us. I didn't realize how hard it would be to be here and not be able to be with her out in the open. Of course, she tried to tell me, but I didn't believe her. I'm so good at hiding my feelings that I thought it would be no different. It turns out I was completely wrong. Hiding my feelings about her is like hiding a part of myself; a part that gets more prominent every day that we're together.

Despite feeling that I should avoid Lilly in order not to give away our relationship, it's been a good night with my friends. Fisher and Torie seem blissfully happy, but I find I'm genuinely happy for them. I guess I can credit Lilly for that because she makes me equally happy. As everyone mingles after dinner, I find myself in line for a drink refill with Torie and a memory that's been in the back of my mind all day will no longer be ignored.

"I was thinking about something this morning that I hadn't thought of in a long time. Do you remember when you had that first metal show back in high school?"

Torie nods and I continue. "I was supposed to do a sports show in Pensacola that night. But Fisher told me you'd be heartbroken if I didn't come to see your show, so I went... but I was a little mad the whole night because I wanted to be doing the sports show. The thing I didn't know is that Fisher was dying because he wanted to be at the metal show to see you. And if I don't miss my guess, you'd have rather he be there too."

Torie laughs and shakes her head. "Maybe a little, but here's the thing and I mean this sincerely. I don't regret any of the time we were together in high school. You were a wonderful first love and I will always be grateful you were in my life."

"Me too." I say truthfully. "And I know I don't have to tell you this, but Fisher is a really good guy; way better than he or anyone else, gives him credit for being. Take care of him because he deserves it."

"Hey QB." Fisher calls, joining us. "These old guys seem to think they can take on you, me and Max. You up for a game?"

"With you guys, always. Where are we going?" I ask.

"I'm a coach." Max states simply. "I've got keys to the stadium. Let's go."

Torie

I never dreamed when I started this trip that I'd end up back in Charles Moore-Haley Memorial Stadium watching Fisher, Carson and Max play football, but considering Caleb Sanders and Hayden were among the guests, it really shouldn't come as a surprise. So here we stand, watching our guys act like kids... but I love mine so much I couldn't be happier.

"Welcome to Gator Nation. They're something else, aren't they?" I ask, joining Lilly who's watching with rapt awe as Carson lets a perfect spiral fly to Max, while Fisher takes down Hayden before he can tackle Carson.

"I've never seen him get to play like this. I know it's just for fun, but God he's amazing." She says dreamily. "Who needs The Notebook? This is girl porn, right?"

I laugh. "You said it. I'm really regretting that Fisher and I aren't staying in the same place tonight."

"I know what you mean." She says and then looks at me sideways and adds, "I assume Fisher told you?"

"Yes, and what I want to know is why didn't you just slap the hell out of me last night?" I ask seriously. "You must have been ready to kill me."

She shrugs. "It's not like I didn't see you guys for myself once upon a time. I'm sure you could have said more."

"Yes, thank God Claire was there." I laugh, nudging her with my elbow. "Well, for what it's worth, according to Fisher, Carson couldn't stop talking about you."

She smiles, and she looks very much like a woman in love, so I continue talking. "I know I probably shouldn't say this, being the ex-girlfriend, I'm probably not the person you want to hear this from. The thing is I love Fisher more than anything in this world. He's the love of my life, but Carson is seriously the best guy I know. And he's not the kind of guy who gives his heart lightly. I never had it, that's for sure. When he does give it to someone... and I think he has... it'll be completely, and it'll be forever. And because of that he deserves someone who loves him like..."

"Like you love Fisher?" She interrupts me.

"Exactly like that."

"He has it. He has it times two because Madi loves him just as much as I do."

"Then you are in for a long and happy life with him." I say, hugging her impulsively. Just then I see Georgia, Claire and Belle coming down the bleachers towards us. "And FYI, Belle is planning to fix you up with him."

"Woohoo! Looking good 77!" Georgia yells, pointing him out to Grace who is all smiles in her mommy's arms. Ryder and Andy are already hanging over the fence excitedly watching as Hayden crosses the goal line with Caleb and Avery celebrating in the back field.

"You got this number16." Belle cheers, elbowing Georgia before turning to us.

"Isn't Carson spectacular?" She says to Lilly.

Lilly shrugs. "I don't know. Hayden Nichols looks real good for almost thirty and a father of two. And Caleb Sanders? He's single and a doctor."

I bite my tongue to keep from laughing as Belle's face falls. "Oh God, Carson and Max and Fisher have so got this. I mean seriously."

Belle talks back and forth between us and Georgia and Claire, but when she's not listening Lilly whispers to me, "I know you were Carson's Gator Babe once upon a time. I don't suppose you still have any number 3 shirts, do you?"

I shake my head. "I gave it all back when we broke up. Why do you want one?"

"Well, I have a Ravens jersey with a number 12 and a Grambling t-shirt with Jennings across the back, but the Gators are the team that means the most."

"Oh, don't worry about it. I'm sure Belle has one. She was the cheeriest cheerleader of them all. She has everything. I'll tell her to give you one as part of her matchmaking schemes."

We watch them run several more plays, but it soon becomes apparent that the three older guys are no match for an NFL quarterback leading guys that were his teammates just a few years ago.

They finally all drudge off the field and Caleb says, "These boys are younger, Carson's in the NFL and let's face it. Avery wasn't even ever a Gator."

"Hey." Avery says with mock offense.

"Win or lose, get over here number 77 cause you're mine!" Georgia says, hanging over the side of the fence to kiss her Gator. Good to know some things never change.

"God, I wish I wasn't withholding." Belle whispers, and Lilly and I laugh out loud.

Lilly puts her arm around her and says, "Wave good night number 16. I'm taking her home before you two jinx your entire marriage. Come on, cheerleader."

They take off up the bleachers and both Max and Carson watch them with unabashed longing. Mr. Iceman is doing a lousy job of hiding his feelings on this one.

"Oh, to hell with it." I say to myself grabbing Fisher's hand and saying, "Get over here number 23 cause you're mine. Now take me somewhere where we can be alone."

I'm not at all surprised a few minutes later when we end up at Avery's boat. I laugh at his choice of locales, but mostly I just hope no one else decides to pay it a visit.

We step aboard, and before he can reach for me, I turn, and I say, "Fisher, first of all, let me tell you that you were incredible today with my parents. Watching you stand up to them for me and for Alex was so sexy... I could hardly contain my pride to be with you. And when it was all over, they were as happy with the outcome as we were. For the first time since I was a little girl, I feel like my family makes sense again and that's because of you."

"Torie, I will always be there for you... whether it's your family or our friends or anyone else. What did you say yesterday? I've always got your back Reyes... always."

"I know I'm not an easy girlfriend. I'm a commitmentphobe and I'm too independent and I don't let people in, but if I've failed to convey to you that you are the love of my life and that I am happier with you than I ever imagined I could be, well then let me say it now. You are the love of my life. I'm happier than I ever knew I could be. If you will let me, I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and being loved by you. I want more than anything to be yours. How am I doing here?" I ask, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"For a commitmentphobe, that was pretty spectacular." He says, kissing me eagerly. "You're the love of my life too. And thank you for coming with me this weekend. I know you were scared..."

"Shhh." I say, putting my finger to his lips. "This has been perfect. You know I never got it. My family was so screwed up and overwhelming, I could never understand why you wanted to be tied to this place and these people. I was so sure that they were just your friends because you were a Gator and they were just my friends because I dated Carson, and that we were going to come here and find out that they didn't want us to be a part of any of this. And truthfully, that was fine with me because then I could have you all to myself. But I was wrong. And I am so glad I was. I've had the most wonderful time with them. And I'm extremely happy that wherever we go, we have a home and family here in Grassland... and I wouldn't even be all that opposed to someday having a little Gator or two of our own."

"Seriously?" He says, his eyes lighting up at the prospect.

"Slow down. I'm still a commitmentphobe, but yeah, seriously."

Lilly

It's one thing to dream about Carson, but it's another thing all together to wake up in the middle of the night because I can actually smell him. And then my eyes fly open when I realize I'm not alone in my room.

"Carson Jennings, how did you get in here? It's the middle of the night!" I ask, pulling the covers up to my neck, flipping on my bedside lamp and putting on my glasses.

"Well..." He says sheepishly as he sinks onto the end of my bed. "Max has been known to sneak in here to see Belle a few times and Belle has been known to sneak out to see him many times. I knew that the basement would be open and lead to the back staircase, and I knew where the key would be hidden. Once I was up here, I know which room Belle's is, and her parents', so I just looked for the closed bedroom door and assumed it was you... and it was."

"If her parents catch you in here, they will have a fit. And if you're trying to keep Belle from finding out about us, sneaking into my room in the middle of the night is not the best way. She's a light sleeper at best, and she's completely wired tonight."

"I know, but... something has been driving me crazy and I couldn't wait till tomorrow to talk about it. Last night you asked me if I was leaving the NFL because of you, and I said it wasn't, but I lied. Of course, it's because of you. I make buckets of money. I work half of the year. I go to fantastic parties and get paid to work out and endorse stupid products for sponsors who shower me with loot and attention. On top of that, I have access to a steady stream of beautiful women with questionable morals. I am living the dream of every single guy on the planet. But I don't want to be a single guy anymore. I want to be a family guy with you and Madi. I want to work at a normal job, and come home to you at night, and do Christmas and Halloween and church on Sunday with my family." He exhales deeply and says, "Okay. I had to get that off my chest."

I sigh, and I love him so much, but I can't hold back anything anymore. I reach for his hand and I say. "Okay, there's something I have to say too, and you know I talk too much when I'm nervous so forgive me. I love how you are with Madi. I never intended to let someone I was dating get so involved with her, but it happened, and I admit that I love it! When I see how much she adores you and when I see you looking at her... the way I do... it means everything to me; and it makes it really hard to picture a future without you in it. But I want you to understand that I'm Madi's mom and I'm going to take care of her. She's going to be fine, and I will make sure of it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I get it that you were a Madi. I was a Madi too. We both know what it feels like to have parents that don't want you. But your mom and my dad and Granny and I all made the tough decision to say that for the most important people in our lives we weren't going to force anyone to be in their lives."

"I'm not like them. I want to be in Madi's life." He says, looking at me with confused eyes.

"I know... But I need to be equally sure that you want to be in my life because I made that decision for her that I wouldn't force someone to be in her life, but I can't, or I won't force you to be in my life just because of her." I say seriously.

Suddenly he lunges across the bed and kisses me hungrily before saying, "Lilly I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you since you told me three snaps during a Super Bowl season would get me nothing. I love Madi for Madi, but I loved Madi from day one because she was part of you."

"Oh, thank God because I'm so completely in love with you I don't know what I would have done without you." I cry kissing him back with matched enthusiasm.

Suddenly he stops and pulls away from me and says, "What are you wearing?"

I grin and say, "It 'mysteriously' appeared on my pillow at bedtime. Belle's matchmaking us. How do I look in number 3?"

His eyes rake approvingly over the green and gold t-shirt with his number on the left-hand chest, and then he pushes me back onto the bed and says, "You are the sexiest woman who has ever lived."

"Hmmm we're definitely crossing lines." I tease, as he comes down on top of me and then his golden eyes go wide with surprise, and he grins ecstatically.

"And guess what I finally got here late enough for you not to be wearing."

"Shut up." I tease pulling the blanket back over me. "And cross lines if you want, but last night was a momentary lapse in resolve. My chastity belt is firmly back in place, and you won't get another yes from me until we're married."

His face goes serious and he caresses my cheek and says, "Just so long as you don't make me wait too long to make you my wife."

"I love you Carson Jennings and I want nothing more in the world than to be your wife." I sigh and say, "But on that subject... I loved watching you play tonight. You're so great. I mean, I've seen you play before, but I've never seen how much you love it. Don't quit the NFL for us. Madi and I can move to Baltimore. I would follow you anywhere."

He shakes his head and says, "You've never seen how much I love it because I don't. Tonight, with Max and Fisher... that I loved. I loved being a Gator. I even loved being a Tiger. But I don't love sitting on the bench being a statistic. I want to be able to be a husband and a father, seven days a week, fifty-two weeks a year, not just during the off-season."

I nod and take his face in my hands and say, "Just know that you can be a back-up, back-up quarterback, or an engineer, or whatever else you want to be. Nothing matters to me except that you love me and that you know I will love you for the rest of your life. And another thing, three snaps during a Super Bowl season will get you everything."

"Everything?"

"Eventually." I say with a laugh as he kisses me again. "You really have to go. Someone will hear you."

"I will." He says, rolling over to his side and spooning me next to him. "Just let me stay here for a few minutes with my arms around you, okay?"

"Okay." I concede, closing my eyes and snuggling into him. God, I love the way he feels next to me.

That's the last thought that I remember thinking until I open my eyes with sunlight streaming into my room and I gasp.

"Carson!" I whisper frantically.

"Ummhmm." He mumbles sleepily against my hair.

"Wake up! It's morning and you're still here!" I say, sitting up in bed and pulling on his arms.

"Oh no." He says, his eyes wide with surprise. "I was just going to stay here for a few minutes."

"Well a few minutes turned into all night." I scold, just as Belle give a perfunctory knock at the door before flinging it open as only a college roommate will.

"Do you know where Torie is?" She asks angrily.

"No." I say, wondering how she missed Carson diving into the floor beside the bed.

"She didn't come home last night. And according to Max; Fisher and Carson neither one came back to his house last night either. If they've all gone off somewhere and gotten into a jealous brawl and mess up my wedding, I will kill everyone!" She screams, slamming the door again as she leaves.

Carson and I burst out laughing, and I roll over to the edge of the bed to kiss him impulsively.

"Still love me this morning?" I ask.

"This morning and every morning for the rest of our lives." He answers. "Now how am I going to get out of here?"

Just then we hear the shower turn on and I say, "Okay, that would-be Belle in the shower. That means the hall is clear, so we just have to get you down the stairs and out the door. Where are you parked?"

"Down the road. God, I hope my car is okay." He says as we tiptoe out the door and passed the bathroom. We get to the bottom the stairs that come out into the kitchen and I look to be sure the coast is clear. I'm sure that Dana is in the sunroom, her favorite spot for black coffee, and Jesse eats a lumberjack breakfast in the dining room. We hurry through the kitchen and down the basement stairs to the back door and I heave a sigh of relief.

"That might be the rowdiest thing I've ever done." I say truthfully.

"Me too. We call Max the clean marine, but you don't get to be much more of rule follower than me. But hey, if I'm breaking rules with anyone, I'm glad it's you." He says, kissing me softly. "I love you Lilly Etheridge. And I'm on my way to see my mom and I'm telling her everything."

"What changed your mind?" I ask, with a mixture of relief and concern.

"You. Now that you've told me you love me; I can't go another second without telling everyone. Is that okay with you?"

"Okay?" I say, grabbing his shirt front and pulling him towards me. "Get over here number 3 cause you're mine!"

Carson

"Mom, I need to talk to you." I say, walking in and sitting down at the kitchen table. She turns from the sink where she's washing up from breakfast and faces me with a look of obvious worry and for a minute, I almost lose my nerve, but I can't make it through another day without telling her... without telling her everything.

"I'm sorry. I should wait till after the wedding... or maybe I should have told you three months ago. I don't know. But back in October I was leaving a game one night, and a guy called me over to talk. It was Charlie Mitchell."

I watch the words hit her like a shot, and she sinks into the chair across from me, and covers my hands with hers. "Are you okay?"

"I am." I say truthfully. "Mom, you are the only parent that I've ever had, and you're all that I ever needed. You have given me more than I ever deserved, and I love you with complete devotion. But I'm going to Illinois next week to have a meal with him and meet his sons. I don't know what will come of it, but I need to do this. Just promise me you'll understand that this doesn't have anything to do with you. This is my family; You, Caity, Celia, Avery and Andy... Max and Belle and Georgia and Hayden and their kids. Nothing can change that. And I get it, and I love you for making the tough decision to say that for the most important people in your life you weren't going to force anyone to be in our lives." I say, really understanding what Lilly meant last night about Madi.

"Carson Evan, listen to me. I never meant for you not to know your father. You have every right to want to know him. Does it terrify me? Yes. He hurt me, and I can't help but be afraid he'll hurt you too. But if I were in your shoes, I'd do the same thing. But I do want to know why you haven't told me. Why you felt the need to keep this from me?"

I shrug. "It's different when I'm out there. It's so easy for me to internalize everything and..."

"Control everything?"

"Yes. I'm a control freak. We all know it. It's the way it is. And if I didn't say it out loud, I didn't have to make a decision, and I didn't have to deal with it. I didn't want this. I've wished a million times that I'd never gone to Grambling because you didn't want me to and that was the first step toward him coming into my life."

"How so?"

"He followed my career because I was a Grambling QB and he was too. He saw a picture of me on signing day with you and he recognized you. If I'd never gone, I'd have never met him. I'd have never been this NFL embarrassment. I'd have never had all these meaningless relationships. Everyone keeps talking about what a great guy I am, but until recently I hadn't felt like that guy for a long time."

"Listen to me." She says, her tone turning fierce. "You went to Grambling to play football; because you were brilliant at it and you loved it. Watching you play last night I was reminded how gifted you were. And you went to the NFL because it was the opportunity of a lifetime and you don't turn down that kind of an opportunity; especially at 22. And you had meaningless relationships because at 22, and 23, and 24 you don't turn those down either. Unfortunately, that's just how we sinful humans are wired. You spent all your adolescence being the most responsible, stressed out, teenage boy on the planet. If the worst rebellion of your life is dating a couple of models in your early twenties when you're blessed with this face and deep pockets... I don't think that's the worst thing in the world." She says, patting my cheek. "Just promise me you'll be careful."

"I will." I assure her, standing to hug her tightly, and then asking. "Do you ever think about reaching out to your family?"

She's quiet for a minute, but then says, "I have. When you were little, and then after Celia was born and again when I had Andy. They don't want anything to do with us. And if that's how they feel I don't want anything to do with them. Like you said, it was a tough decision but for the most important people in my life I'm not going to force anyone to be in their lives."

I nod and say, "I feel the same way. I love you mom."

"I love you. But oh, I must admit, I'm a little disappointed." She confesses.

"I know." I say guiltily. "I've done a lot of things..."

"Not in you." She interrupts me. "I'm disappointed because I thought you were coming to tell me that you were dating Belle's friend Lilly."

"What?" I ask incredulously.

"Well, I just like her so much. And I thought I picked up on a little spark between you two and... you sure would make a cute couple... and why are laughing at me?" She says as I continue to laugh and hug her again.

"I am dating Lilly. We've been dating since the end of summer. I'm completely in love with her. I was just trying to keep from dropping all these bombs on you at once."

"Carson Evan Jennings, now I'm mad at you! Do you know how much I worry about you and how many times I've said to Belle, 'Carson is not cut out for this fast and loose lifestyle he's leading? He needs to find a nice girl and fall in love. That would make him happy!'" She says, smacking me on the arm for emphasis. "If I'd known you were in love with a nice girl, I'd have been so much happier!"

"I'm sorry, but that too was one of those things I needed to keep to myself to try to control. I was afraid if I said it out loud it would fall apart. And... well I kind of worried that it would bother you if I ended up with a black girl."

She sits down again, and I follow suit, and she says, "Carson, sweetie, I know I worked a lot when you were growing up, but I always figured that I didn't need to have the birds and the bees talk with you. I mean, you and Max grew up around Hayden and Georgia... not a lot left to the imagination there. But perhaps I should have filled in some blanks... you do know that in order to have you, I had to have sex with your father who, as you know is, in fact, black?"

I roll my eyes, and she laughs and says, "Do you really love her?"

I nod.

"And you're not even having sex with her!" She says excitedly.

I stare at her for a minute and say, "That's right. You talked about all of that at the bachelorette party. No, she doesn't believe in that."

She hugs me again and says "Oh... I raised my boy well."

I leave her house feeling lighter than I have in months. I arrive at Hayden and Georgia's and see that Lilly's car is there already. I desperately want to see her, but I know she's busy getting ready. She, Belle and all the other girls are upstairs, and Max and I, as well as Hayden and Avery and Fisher, are all hanging out in Ryder's room.

I dress in my suit and look at my watch; still over an hour till the ceremony. I can't stand it anymore. I'm sure Lilly isn't keeping her phone close to her now that she knows Granny and Madi are safely here, so I have Fisher text Torie to send Lilly to Grace's room and then I run upstairs to wait for her. When she enters a few minutes later I can't even breathe at my first sight of her.

"I can't imagine that on the day when you walk down the aisle to me, you could possibly be any more beautiful than you are right now." I say as she walks toward me in a dress of pale lavender satin that clings and flows in all the right places. Her hair is sleek and shiny and her very kissable bottom lip has a glossy, rosy glow.

"You're the best man and I'm the maid of honor. I am walking down the aisle to you." She teases stepping into the circle of my embrace. "I love you Carson Jennings; more than I ever thought I could love anyone."

"And I love you. I've loved you for all my life... long before I met you, and I will love you for the rest of my life Lilly Madeleine." I kiss her and then tell her about my visit with my mom and we agree that we'll hold off till after the ceremony to tell Max and Belle and then go public. It's just as well because now that she's told me she loves me, and I've told my mom there's no way I'd be able to hide my feelings for her. And I can't wait to see our beautiful little girl. I've missed her so much since Christmas, and I determine never to be away from either of them for this long again.

She leaves, and I wait a few minutes and then step out of the nursery and I'm greeted by Belle, hands on hips and eyes flashing.

"Okay I don't know what kind of game you're playing but let me tell you something. Lilly Etheridge is my best friend, and you do not have any idea what she's been through. She is a good girl; a very good girl and she had all these plans for her life. But then she had that toxic relationship with Seth and then he dumped her with no warning. And then she found out she was pregnant, and he still didn't step up for her. No one knows how hard that hit her because she is so strong, and her faith is so great, but let me tell you... it almost destroyed her. But she kept going and she's the best mom and the best person I know. So, if you're playing her or if you're doing anything with her other than being 100% up front and honest and everything that she deserves I will kill you myself... I don't care how far back we go, and I don't care that you're Max's best friend. You got it!"

It's all I can do not to smile because Belle is always the sweetest, most polite person in the world and here she stands... in wedding hair and a veil, wearing a robe with Bride written in rhinestones across her chest... all 5ft 4inches of her ready to tear me limb from limb. But I resist the urge to smile and instead I take her by the shoulders and say, "Okay, first I know exactly how much Seth hurt her because we've talked about it at length. And I know that she has a very tough shell, covering a fragile heart, covering a steely inner strength that makes me weak in the knees. I know what a good person she is, and I know how beautiful she is and smart and everything that I've never even had the courage to hope or dream of. That's why I'm 100% completely, head over heels in love with her. She's the love of my life. I want to marry her and raise Madi with her and have babies with her and grow old with her.... Do I need to continue because I can?"

Before I've finished Belle flings herself at me and lets out an ear-splitting squeal. "This is the best thing that has ever happened! Max's best friend and my best friend are going to get married, and we can all go on vacations together and have kids together and spend holidays together! I did not think that it would be possible for me to be happier about the day when I would finally get to marry Max, but this actually succeeded in making me happier."

"Seriously, because after that talk you just gave me, I'm not so sure that you think I'm worthy to even talk to Lilly, much less be in a relationship with her." I tease, no longer able to hide the smile that has been bursting out since Lilly told me she loved me.

"Oh, shut up. You think I'm not going to say the exact same thing to her about you? You're the other best person I know in the world. You two go perfectly together."

I laugh and then say, "Okay so once again Max is going to be pissed because I talked about something big with you before I told him."

"Well this one isn't your fault. But you better go tell him now before I do it and ruin your surprise." She says, turning to go.

"You're not allowed to even see him!" I yell after her.

Now that everyone else knows I can't wait to tell Max. But as the ceremony approaches, he keeps getting pulled away; pictures, last minute details... I can't catch a moment alone with him. Finally, Fisher, Hayden and Avery have all left to go seat people, and Ryder and Andy are with the girls because they're the ring bearers, and we're alone standing in the living room waiting to take our place on the deck. I tell myself this isn't the time. He's ten minutes from getting married. It can wait till afterwards. So, what if he hears it from Belle instead of me?

But then I hear myself blurt out, "I'm in love with Lilly. We've been dating for about six months and I'm... in love with her. I want to marry her."

He looks at me and smiles and says, "Yeah I know."

"You what? How could you know?" I ask incredulously. "Did Belle sneak in here..."

"You left your phone by mistake; in Tuscaloosa when you went to the concession stand. You'd been texting someone through the entire game. I was ready to kill you. And when you and Hayden went to get food you left it laying there because it had been in your hands the entire time. You got a text while you were gone; I recognized Lilly's number. So, I scrolled through your messages. Don't worry, I didn't read them, but you had like 300 messages to and from her. And that night you had Fisher fly you to Atlanta instead of coming home. It didn't take a genius to figure out. Plus, you haven't taken your eyes off her for three consecutive seconds since she walked in the door. I've never seen you look at anything like that except for maybe when Smith got that brand-new Corvette when we were sixteen."

"How'd you get into my phone? It has a security code." I argue.

"0312; your jersey numbers. Does anyone know you better than me?"

"Nope." I say with a laugh. "Why didn't you say anything?"

"Because you weren't ready to tell anyone. I knew you would when the time was right." He says simply... and I'm reminded again why of all the people in the world he's the very best friend I've ever had.

"So, you told Belle?" He says, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. "Of course, you told her before you told me."

"I did not. She figured it out. What I want to know is why didn't you tell Belle? Isn't that the first rule of coupledom?"

"I know, but... I knew if I told her she'd take out an ad in the Grassland Gazette and whatever you were trying to figure out would be done for. Hey...what's she gonna do to me now? By the time she finds out about it, we'll be married." He says with a shrug. "This is gonna be so cool. We're gonna be married to best friends and we can go on trips together and have kids together. We just gotta figure out a way to get you guys back here before our kids are in high school so they can be Gators together. This is everything we've ever wanted since we were little kids."

I laugh and say, "I'm not sure I had the foresight to want this back then, but I have no doubt that you did. Come on. I think it's time we go get you married to the love of your life."

"Sure thing." He says with no hint of nerves or apprehension. But, why should he? Waiting at the end of the aisle is everything he ever wanted. Actually, come to think of it, everything we both ever wanted is about to walk down the aisle.

Just as I start through the door, he stops me and says, "So you didn't come home last night? Don't tell me you spent the night with Lilly under the Carpenters' roof. Even Hayden never had the guts to spend the night with Georgia in that house."

I laugh and say, "I don't kiss and tell."

"Since when? You always have before."

I grin and can't hide the twinkle in my eye as I shrug and say, "I've never been in love before."

Georgia

It's been a beautiful wedding and a perfect day. Hearing Max and Belle exchange the vows they'd written for one another had everyone in tears; me most of all. I think I even saw Hayden's eyes looking a little misty when we, along with the Carpenters' and Avery and Claire, joined them for their first dance to their song, Garth Brooks' To Make You Feel My Love. After lots of good food, good music and good friends celebrating together, we're all upstairs with Belle helping her get ready to leave on her honeymoon. It's funny how life happens. In so many ways it seems like yesterday that Belle, Claire and Aimee were with me when I was getting ready to go with Hayden to the Caribbean for our honeymoon. And now we're here getting ready for Max and Belle to begin their life together. It makes me feel both very old and very young at once.

"Okay so I know Torie and Fisher spent the night on the boat last night." Belle says as we all help to get her ready to leave for her wedding night. They'll be spending the night at their house and then off to Mexico in the morning.

"That makes Torie the only person to have more than one 'love interest' on the boat. Ewww." Belle continues which draws an indignant grunt from Torie.

"I don't know about that." I argue. "I mean, Hayden hooked up with a lot of skanky Gator Babes while we were broken up. Odds are at least a few of those hook ups happened on the boat. Don't ask/ don't tell."

"I made out with Carson on the boat." Lilly adds. "So, I had two 'love-interests' on the boat as well... and by those standards they both did too."

"And you kissed Carson when he was dating me so stop acting all high and mighty." Torie adds sarcastically which draws a gasp from Lilly.

"You kissed Carson! You never told me that." Lilly says huffily.

"It was nothing; it barely qualified as a kiss. And I didn't tell you because I didn't know you were dating him." Belle says with mock indignation. "Which brings me back to my next question which was, did Carson really spend the night with you in my parents' house?"

"Whoa." I say, nodding my approval. "I always knew Carson Jennings had nerves of steel."

"We don't do that." She says huffily. "He came over because we needed to talk, and then we kissed a while, and then we fell asleep by mistake. But all he did was sleep there."

I shrug and say, "Well I was going to say... even Hayden and I never had the guts to hook up in his bedroom at the Carpenters."

"Really?" Torie says with surprise and we all look at her questioningly. She shrugs and says, "Sorry, but I mean, next to the boat, the basement at Avery and Claire's was our favorite place."

"Ewww." Claire says, and I don't miss the way she catches Lilly's eye and winks. I can tell she definitely approves of her future daughter-in-law.

Belle looks away sheepishly and says, "Well... next to Max's truck and the boat, it was our favorite place too."

"Ewww." I say and then add, "But of course we did it in the sunroom at your parents' house."

"Ewww!" Belle screeches. "Was I there?"

I shrug, thinking that she probably was, but I say, "I don't think so."

"You people are appalling." Claire says, with a laugh. "Belle are you already to go?"

She nods and then says, "Can I have just a minute alone with Georgia?"

When everyone is gone, she turns to me with tears in her eyes and says, "Can you believe we finally made it here?"

I step forward and hug her and say, "You know I don't think I ever doubted it; even as bad as everything got last summer... once I realized how much you loved him, I knew that eventually you two would end up here. It was a beautiful wedding."

"Thanks to you and Hayden... and Avery and Claire. It was everything I wanted. And you even kept my parents involved and I know that was no small feat. Thank you so much!"

"It's my pleasure. Now come on." I say, wiping at the tears that are threatening to spill over. "You've got to throw your bouquet, and I have a feeling those two friends of yours are going to throw down to see who makes it to the altar next."

A few minutes later I find that I'm right as we watch Torie and Lilly, front and center of all the single girls, elbowing each other in an attempt to gain the advantage. Carson stands on the sidelines with Madi on his hip and cheers Lilly on. I've known him almost as long as I've known my little brother and he's as close as you can get to being family. I'm so happy seeing him this much in love, and Lilly seems like a very deserving object of his affection. Torie and Fisher, I don't know as well, but something about Fisher has always reminded me of Hayden. He's standing beside Carson, and he's shouting encouragements to his girl as well. Max is with them too, and the way he looks at Belle still breaks my heart... but now simply because I know how much she loves him too.

"You know I was raised with five girls." Torie taunts, as Belle gets ready to toss. "You haven't lived till you've gone head to head with five Latinos for your spot in the line for one bathroom. You're volviendo loco if you think you're catching that bouquet."

"Ooh I'm so scared. My guy is an NFL quarterback and I'm his favorite receiver." Lilly replies viciously. "You don't stand a chance."

I feel a familiar arm slip around my waist, and I lean back into Hayden as he joins me with Grace asleep on his shoulder.

"Where's Ryder?" I ask, watching as Belle's aim fails her and the flowers sail over Lilly and Torie and into the hands of one of her sophomore cheerleaders. Carson, Fisher and Caleb all groan their disappointment at the lack of a cat fight for the win. I look at my husband and I'm relieved to see that, even though we still make-out with more gusto than any of our younger counterparts, when it comes to some things, he has definitely outgrown his boyish ways.

"Ryder and Andy are with Avery decimating Max's truck. I'll be surprised if it'll actually drive out of here."

"Oh no. I bet he's loving that." I say with a laugh.

We stand together quietly for a few minutes, trying to just enjoy the moment.

"So, when are we going to tell him that his grandmother refused to terminate her parental rights?" Hayden asks sadly.

The letter came yesterday. We've hardly talked about it because we didn't want it to interfere with the wedding. But the wedding is over now, and reality always sinks back in eventually.

I shake my head and say, "Nothing has to change. He can't go back to her. He'll just stay in foster care and stay with us."

"You know how risky that is." Hayden says, and I hear the fear in his voice. Nothing scares me more than knowing that he's afraid of anything.

"If we don't legally adopt him, they can pull him at any time. Meanwhile he is just getting more and more attached to us and we are to him. Grace is definitely getting more attached. You see how her eyes already follow him everywhere. Just the sound of his voice and she's smiling all over herself." He explains with trepidation.

I look over my shoulder at him and say, "I know. Everything you say is true and I know that. But what choice do we have?"

He shakes his head. "None. I just had to say it out loud, so I'd know that we both know that from here on the stakes just keep getting higher."

I shake my head and we follow the crowd toward the driveway where Max' truck, barely drivable, waits for them to come through the house and passed all the well-wishers throwing rose petals.

"It was a beautiful wedding." Hayden says, kissing the side of my neck. "My sister was almost as pretty as you were on our wedding day."

"And my brother looked at her just the way you look at me. That's how I know that no matter what comes their way, they'll be okay."

"And so, will we." He assures me. The door opens, and we watch as Max and Belle run through the flowers and then drive away, ready to begin their life together.

Ryder runs toward us, talking excitedly, and Hayden turns to hand me Grace followed by a quick kiss. Then he turns back to Ryder and says, "Come on buddy. You're on bonfire clean-up duty with me."

"Okay Hayden." He says with a nod, but then he turns to me and says, "Hey Georgia. I don't ever want to get married, but if I do, and if I still know you guys, can I get married here too?"

I smile sadly, and I nod. "Our home is always yours."

Then I laugh and ruffle his hair before saying, "And you know what that means?"

He groans. "I'm on clean-up duty?"

"You said it."

Forever in Grassland

Caleb Sanders and Aimee Asher – the golden boy with the million-dollar-arm and his golden girlfriend on a pedestal. Everyone knew that Caleb was going to a D1 powerhouse college and then on to the NFL; and Aimee planned to be right at his side.

Then Caleb's car accident after the first game of their senior year changed both their lives forever. And an accident of a different kind two years later would change Aimee's life again; and convince her that any chance that she and Caleb could ever work out their differences would never happen.

But young love is sometimes true love and when Aimee ends up back in Grassland to help care for an ailing parent, there's no way for her to keep avoiding Caleb or the truth she's been hiding for eight years. What Aimee believed would be the unforgivable last straw for Caleb may turn out to the be the best thing that ever happened to him; to either of them.

Join us for one final trip to Grassland, where Hayden and Georgia are all grown up and eager to help their friends on the path to forever; where Max and Belle have overcome what seemed to be insurmountable odds and are now celebrating their lives with their best friends Carson and Lilly, and Fisher and Torie. Old favorites still show up and flashbacks take us all the way back to the very beginning of our Grassland heroes. And no Grassland story would be complete without a little football on the side.

Caleb Sanders might not be QB1 anymore, but he's still a Gator Champion at heart and even if the game goes into over-time, he's always known how to win when it counted. With Aimee waiting in the endzone, it's never counted more. Caleb and Aimee have one more chance to get it right and spend Forever in Grassland.

Coming in time for football season 2019

Also available from Penny Michaels

The Reason God Made Oklahoma

At 12 years old, Zoe Andrews knew the only man she could ever love was Matthew Callahan. But the Oklahoma ranch hand who worked for her father was five years her senior and a million miles away in terms of life experience. Even though his insistence that they could never be together stemmed from his belief that Zoe deserved more than he and Oklahoma could give her, it eventually drove her to New York and a life that included nothing from the ranch she called home. Despite their conflicts, the one thing they had in common was that neither seemed to be able to resist the other. When Zoe's father dies unexpectedly, she's forced to return to Oklahoma where they find themselves with an impossible ultimatum. Zoe's father has left them the ranch together, but before they can inherit it, they have to stay married for a year.

A year doesn't seem that long, but time apart has done nothing to lessen the attraction between Matt and Zoe. Soon everything they've fought against seems insignificant when compared with the desires that come alive when they're together. And once he's reminded of how much she actually loves the Oklahoma ranch where she grew up, can he find the courage to believe that he and Oklahoma are enough to keep her once the year is over?

Available now!

A Ring by Christmas

Trey Thomas and Tori Tanner – TNT – had been best friends since the second day of second grade. Tori was a little chubby and a lot shy at eight years old and found herself constantly being reintroduced to kids she'd been in class with for both kindergarten and first grade. Trey, a new student, was extremely short and skinny and all mouth and white blonde hair so it was no surprise when he wound up the object of a bully attack on his second day. No one was more surprised than Tori when she leapt to his defense and put an end to the playground fisticuff. While most eight-year-old boys would have been mortified at being rescued by a girl, Trey handled it with his trademark charm and aplomb. He and Tori were inseparable from that day forth.

Fast forward twenty-five plus years to Thanksgiving. Trey has become a devastatingly handsome commitmentphobe, and Tori is tired of waiting for her best friend to grow-up, so she asks him for a bold favor – coach her on dating so that she is guaranteed to get a ring for Christmas. It starts out rocky, but before long Tori is happily meandering toward matrimony, and Trey is startled to find that the only thing scarier than commitment is spending the holidays... and everything else... without Tori. Can this best friend stop the love his life before she chooses someone else? In other words, how can he make her see that he's the only one who should give her A RING BY CHRISTMAS!

Available now!

A Single Girls Guide to Surviving Valentine's Day (The Diary of a Young Old-Maid... Book 1)

Bianca Rossi has had it! She's done moping through every holiday feeling sorry for herself without a boyfriend. At 29 it's time for this young old maid to break the cycle... even if means she has to get a little creative with her Valentine's Date. But when the date she chronicles in her successful column suddenly appears on her doorstep, Bianca is faced with a dilemma. While she might have survived 28 Valentine's Days alone, one spent in the arms of her hot new fantasy come to life might be more than she can handle!

Available now!

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