 ♪ Christine, you're
 producing your way ♪
 ♪ You're bringing up clips ♪
 ♪ You're doing your thing ♪
 ♪ You're a girl about town ♪
 - Weren't we gonna
 do a Bonfire musical?
- Yeah.
 - The Christine song,
 where she goes--
♪ Christine, you're more
than a YouTube jockey ♪
 ♪ You're a producer
 of the show ♪
 ♪ Executive Producer
 Christine, I can see it now ♪
 ♪ I'm gonna be somebody big ♪
  ♪ Well, guess what boys ♪
  ♪ The videos don't
  play themselves ♪
 ♪ Pause, start, stop, finish ♪
 ♪ It's all the same to you ♪
♪ I'm in a tornado of commands ♪
  ♪ Jacob's gone,
  and Lou is drunk ♪
 ♪ And black Lou is doing
 something on social media ♪
 ♪ And I'm alone in the light ♪
♪ Just a girl getting coffee
for some people in the office ♪
♪ Donkey laughs, Donkey laughs ♪
  (brief metal guitar riff)
  - Well, I actually
  had the pleasure
 of opening for you,
 Brian, at Carolines--
 - Yeah, I remember.
before you made the feeder jump.
  The last one, such
  a funny moment.
 I think I told you
 this on Oddball tour,
  but they told me,
  "You want to work with
  Brian Regan this weekend?"
 And I went, "Yes, for sure."
  But Carolines goes you
  have to be squeaky clean,
  and I was like, yeah, I'll
  figure it out for sure.
 And on the very first show,
  I was going squeaky clean,
  and there's a guy
  in the audience,
  I think he was gone before
  you even got on stage,
  but he was just giving it
  to me, we were just going,
 and I was trying to go
 back at 'em with like,
  this guy's being
  a real jerk, huh.
(Brian and Dan laughing)
 I bet you I'm
 trying to be clean.
 I'm like, "Yeah, why
 don't you go home
  "and have sex with a man."
  - Clean comebacks.
 Look at this weirdo!
 - Cool shirt, jerk.
 Ha ha, this guy's a real jerk.
(Brian laughing)
- I came back in the Green room,
and as Grant told you that,
 and my favorite thing
 about this story,
 and I thought was the
 coolest thing ever,
 was you went, "You can curse,
 it doesn't matter to me."
 - [Brian] Yeah, do your thing.
 - The club was Giff
 was came down so hard,
  and I was like, "Sir, you
  are a real bad guy, you."
(Brian and Dan laughing)
  "Ah, I don't like
  the kind of person
"you are at all, talking loud."
 - You seem like a
 filthy man, a bad man.
  I opened for Nate
  Bargatze in West Virginia,
  and he was like, "Hey,
  man, you gotta be clean."
  And I always kinda thought
  that thing of like,
 how clean do you have to be?
 So I cut out all my curse
 words, but I said God damn,
 and a woman in the
 second row just goes,
  (whispering) "He said GD."
And that fucked with me.
  - Yeah, for sure.
- Like, that just threw
me into a tail spin,
 'cause I was like,
 what else in my head,
 all I could think when I
 was for the rest of the set
 was what other words are bad
 that I don't know are bad.
(Brian laughing)
 - Well, I do like
 to work with people
 who are not super
 dirty in front of me,
  but I don't like
  to censor people.
 - [Dan] Yeah.
 - Sure.
  - So there's a
  difference between
booking somebody
who works clean,
 and asking somebody
 who you just booked,
 hey, you have to
 work clean tonight.
- Yeah, 'cause that's--
- I don't like throwing
that on people.
  - [Jay] Sure, sure, sure.
 - I don't want to censor you.
 - Right, right, no, for sure.
- [Brian] You know what I mean?
- No, that's what I loved about
when we talked in the back.
You were like, yeah, I wouldn't
tell you how to deal with,
 which I thought was
 such a cool thing.
 - That is a very cool thing.
 - I had another comic
 before who was just,
I worked with him before
he went on the theaters,
  and it always blew my
  mind when I went on stage.
I wasn't very dirty,
but when I got offstage
he asked me to come in the back
 to go I need you to
 be squeaky clean.
 And it was one of those, like,
 this guy was getting
 ready to go huge, too,
 so the audience was so excited
 when he touches the stage,
  it wouldn't have mattered
  what happened in front.
 Same thing that I, you
 know, with you, Brian.
I don't think I've ever
told you a story that,
  'cause I was so
  mortified as a young kid,
 that same weekend, you
 know this, don't you?
- I know this story, and
this is, this is, yeah.
 This is a great story.
 - I mean, it's a terrible
 story, but it's a great story.
  - It's a terrible story,
  but the fact that Brian's
 on the show and you
 can tell it to him.
  I think you've told the
  story before on the show.
  - [Jay] I'm sure.
  - But it's a thing of
  being opening for someone
 and having just a
 fucking colossal ...
- It's a real story of
the beware who you tell.
 Like, yeah, I'll get
 you and your friends,
  or whoever into the show.
 When I first got to
 New York just trying
  to find work that
  wasn't difficult,
and also as a fat, insecure guy,
 I tried to get a job
 at a weird strip club
 right across the
 street from Carolines.
 I think it was more
 of a whorehouse.
  No booze, and it was just
  very bizarre, small place,
 and the women in
 there were scraggly.
But when I went in there
and talked to the guy
 and told him I was a comedian,
 I became friendly with
 the bartender guy,
 and he would come see me do
 comedy shows once in a while.
The guy who owned the place was
a much more seedy gentleman.
  He was a guy that
  would walk in--
  - If you can believe that.
  - I liked the expression,
  a seedy gentleman.
 - Again, I'm pretty, you know,
I'll go into a dark,
weird place with things
and think things
are interesting,
or even dirty is great.
 However, this guy
 would just do a thing
  when the girls walked by,
it was a very, like,
"Look at this new one."
  Like, you know, like grab
  an ass cheek, or a tit.
It was very odd.
 But they asked me
 when you were in town
 if they can come see the show,
  so I said they're
  probably sold out.
 But Carolines was nice to me,
and they gave him four tickets.
 He goes, "We're also gonna
 bring, there's four of us."
 - It's great watching.
 I'm just watching
 Brian's face process.
  You say, "So this is one
  of the worst human beings
 "I've ever met in my life."
(Brian laughing)
  He brings three wildcards.
  You're headlining,
  and you're all--
 - It was more the bartender
 brought three people,
 one of them being the
 owner and two of the girls,
 but I did not know
 what was gonna happen.
Where do they sit them?
  Front and center.
 - Oh, no, no.
(Brian and Dan laughing)
- You know what, though?
 But I can say this, it's like
 the Ghost of Christmas Future,
that show's in the past.
  Don't worry, Brian, this
  isn't happening right now.
 - Oh, it's the best.
 - I'm getting an
 anxiety attack now.
 I'm going, how am I
 gonna handle this?
  It happened, like,
  many years ago.
  - What am I opening with?
 - I watched a hundred
 plus sets of yours,
 from TV, to live, to that
 weekend, I've never seen ...
  In the middle of
  one of your bits,
 you just broke and were like,
  Miss, like how
  rude you're being.
  You gave her a talking to,
  which was legitimately ...
And I'm watching in
the back going like ...
(Brian and Dan laughing)
 I'm like, oh, my God.
 - I'm out of show business.
- I'm like, this is gonna be so,
  like, the club is
  gonna be like ...
 I mean, they couldn't have a
 piece of paper on their thing
 that says more guests
 of Jay Oakerson.
(Brian and Dan laughing)
- Now, Brian's on stage
and you're in the back.
 And for those that
 don't know Carolines,
 it's like a back, and
 then it's a hallway,
  so you're actually
  around the corner.
 So you're listening
 to Brian on stage.
  Did you know when
  he broke his bit
that he was talking to
the people you brought?
- A 100%, there was no one else
it could have possible been.
  It was an audience
  that was all there
to see him
specifically, sold out.
 They put my guests,
 for some reason,
 right in the front of
 people that were like,
 I guess, they were
 more going for, like,
 the hook up of me
 getting them stuff.
 - Right, because
 when you said earlier
 that they wanted to
 come see the show,
 I immediately
 thought I don't think
 they're coming to see my show.
 They were just going
 to see a comedy show.
 - I don't think
 they're a fan of mine
  so I'm not worried about
  them hearing this at all.
  - I don't think
  this guy that was
pawing on these young women go,
 "Man, I wanna hear
 jokes about donuts."
 - He goes, come here
 (drowned out by Brian)
 - These wholesome
 donut sprinkled jokes.
 - He goes, "Come here,
 baby, come here, baby.
 "You ever heard a good
 Pop-Tart joke, baby?"
(Brian laughing)
She's like, "I don't
know, I like Pop-Tarts."
 - Yeah, well I got your guy.
 (Dan laughing)
 - Did you, can you ...
 - Have I got a guy
 for you, tit grabs.
(Brian and Dan laughing)
 - You like jokes
 about station wagons?
- Oh, hell yeah.
- I got the guy for you.
(all laughing together)
- When you're on stage--
 - He goes, "I like my whores
 filthy and my comedy clean."
(Brian laughing)
 - He goes, "Aw, man,
 nothing gets me than a good,
 "clean observation and
 a good dirty girl."
- He says something astute like,
 "It's all about the
 juxtaposition of life,
"you know what I mean?"
- You know what, dude, Francis,
 I didn't want to say this
 about you, you're balanced.
 You own a whorehouse and are
 on the board of St. Jude's?
Do you know when
you're on stage,
 'cause at this
 point you know what
an audience feels like
that's there to see you,
when something like that
is in the front row,
 can you ...
Like, I was just at
the Albany Funny Bone--
- It's gotta be
baffling at that point.
- You know what?
- Yeah, that's what I'm
saying, can you tell?
 - To back up, I think
 I remember that night.
 - Oh, if you probably
 do, I'll tell you why.
 This story's not over.
- I remember being at Carolines,
  and there was a
  woman in the front
  who was like just
  out of control.
 - It was a prostitute
 that I brought.
  I'm sorry.
(all laughing together)
 I don't know if I ever
 properly apologized for that.
(all laughing together)
- I didn't do the what
do you do for a livings,
 I would have known.
 (Dan and Jay laughing)
 Oh, I'm a prostitute.
  Oh, well.
- How great is it to
find out that a heckler,
years later, was just a
bad person? (laughing)
 - The best part of the story
 is yet to come in a moment,
  was all I can't wait for
  now is the show to be over
 so I can go out and I'm
 going to yell at these guys
 out in the hall, in the lobby,
for like, what the fuck,
why would you do that?
 I got you in here as a guest,
 you're making me
 look like an asshole.
 It takes forever for
 them to come out.
And then, just the
guys end up coming out.
 I didn't go out there,
 I guess, fast enough.
 And then the guys come out,
 and right away they're like,
  "Sorry, man, we're
  really sorry."
And I go, "Yeah, man, you
should be sorry, that's crazy."
 I give 'em the speech
 I have prepared,
  "I hooked you guys
  up and then you're
  "gonna just talk
  during the show?"
 And he goes, "Talk?
 "Oh, you weren't in there
 for the very end, were you?"
(Brian and Dan laughing)
 I went, "What do you mean?"
 He goes, "A lady next to us,
 "some sweet lady fan of yours,
"said to one of the prostitutes,
  "she goes, wow, thank you,
  "you really ruined
  that show for me."
 And then this Puerto
 Rican prostitute
 was just like, bitch, and
 just decked her in the face.
(Brian and Dan laughing)
And then they go, "So
they were all removed."
  - This story is getting
  worse and worse and worse.
- [Jay] Yes, it's worse.
- Dude, Brian, watching
his face go like this.
 He's listening, and
 he goes, "Oh, fun."
- And then the knives came out.
 (Jay laughing)
- [Dan] You don't remember this?
So then the woman said--
 - Yeah, there was a
 monkey knife fight pit
 in the lobby they'd set up.
 - Oh, my God.
 - [Christine] You'd
 think Jay would have
  stopped picking up
  strays after that.
 No.
  - That was not my
  last dance with--
 - Jay's invited some gnarly
 characters into our lives.
 - And so the next
 night, I invited ...
  (Christine, Dan,
  and Jay laughing)
 - So now we're at a Friday.
(Brian laughing)
 - He goes, "I'm under
 the Manhattan Bridge.
 "I'm talking to some
 real sketchy fellows."
(Brian laughing)
 - They seemed cool, though.
  I'm doing a show tonight,
  if you want to get
  some free tickets
 (drowned out by Brian
 and Dan laughing)
- I would say go to the
early one for tickets.
 - I had a four-person
 guest list,
  and it was the four people
 that legitimately made
 the show horrible.
- That is crazy.
  I mean, I did not
  know this story.
 - You don't get crazy people
 at your shows, now, right?
 - No, not usually, no,
 especially if I'm
 performing somewhere
 where that's why
 you would be coming.
  I mean, I'm not
  in a comedy club,
  so if I'm in a venue where
  you'd have to have a ...
You'd be coming there to see me.
 - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
  - And also with
  the theaters, too,
  drinking is not constantly
  coming around to you.
 I mean, there's money made,
 but it's not a bar business
  once you're in
  the theaters, too,
 which makes people not
 get so annihilated,
 which is generally
 what fucks up a show.
 - When do you
 think the last time
 a stack of fries was served
 at one of your shows?
 (Dan and Jay laughing)
 - When's the last
 time someone really
 ripped into a rib eye while
 you were ... (laughing)
  - Yeah, who's the
  last time to dunk
a chicken finger
in front of you?
 - I remember at
 Carolines one time,
  and this was when I was at
 the tail end of doing
 the comedy clubs,
 and there was a guy
 at the front table,
 same table that
 your guests sat at.
(all laughing together)
 - Hey, some say it's haunted.
(Brian and Dan laughing)
  - They think it's
  a possessed table.
 - That's right, it's
 a possessed table.
 - They're afraid to move it.
 - Ever story has to do
 with this one table.
  And there was a
  guy, heavyset guy,
 and I was doing pretty good.
 The front table you can see,
 they're in the pool of light,
 and waitress brought
 a cheeseburger
in front of him and set
a cheeseburger down.
And his eyes rolled into
the back of his head,
 and the cheeseburger
 immediately became
 the headliner to him.
 And he completely
 stopped looking at me,
 and just turned and
 spent about 10 minutes
just loving every moment
of that cheeseburger.
 And I just remember
 laughing to myself,
  going this is so bizarre.
 Like, it's comedy to a point,
  and then you're doing
  comedy over people eating.
  And then when he was done
  with his cheeseburger,
 he slid it away and
 looked back up at me
 as if, all right, back to you.
 (Christine and crew laughing)
 - I say that out loud.
 - [Brian] Back to you, clown.
 - I say that out loud on
 stage almost every weekend.
 At least at one show
 where I just look down
  and I just see
  somebody, exactly,
 cutting into a wedge
 salad or something.
They're like, why would
you have something
 that's gonna cover the
 table in bacon pieces?
- To me, the thing that
doesn't make sense is,
 I can get over the
 food and the drink.
  It's when people are
  doing group long division
 while I'm trying to do a bit,
and they have the checks
and they're like ...
You just watch that math happen
  and you're like, I
  can't win in this.
 - You want to say one of you
  pay the tab and
  work it out later.
 (Dan laughing)
 - Yeah.
 - Work it out later.
 But to figure it out there is
 the most insulting
 thing as a performer.
 Going really?
 And you can hear 'em going,
 "No, no, I ordered the second
 beer but then I canceled it."
  - Yeah, he goes, (speaking
  in a whispering voice)
 I think you triple charged
 us for a shot of (mumbles).
 - You know what I was getting
 heckled by this weekend
  was you couldn't even tell
  what they were saying.
It was just (indistinct
whispering).
 And you go, "Are you
 guys good over there?"
 And they go, "We're
 just figuring it out,
 "just you keep going."
 - Yeah, don't worry about us.
 I say, could you imagine if
 you went to a Broadway play,
right, and then 20
minutes before it's over
 some guy crouched down
 next to you and said,
  "It's 75 dollars a piece."
 (Dan and Jay laughing)
 - It's absurd!
  But that's what happens in
  a comedy club every night.
 - A crescendo of some
 (drowned out by Brian)
- Yeah, everybody's
digging in their pockets
while you're watching the final
act of a Shakespearian play.
 - That's the beauty
 of the theater,
 though, is like I said, again,
they're always coming
to see you particularly,
or from whatever
it is, you know,
 they're coming to see a comedy
 show where the comic ...
 I mean, bombing, or
 just hearing silence
in a room and hearing the sounds
of a guy pulling
gristle out of his mouth
 to wrap in a napkin
 or something,
 or just the sounds of fries
 being pulverized by
 teeth is jarring.
 - I still hear it sometimes,
I heard it when it
goes completely silent,
  you just hear someone
  swishing around ice cubes
 like you're impressing
 a Bond villain.
  And they're like, is that
  all you have, Mr. Bond?
 - And like, you look at 'em.
  Like, you don't hear that?
  You don't hear
  what you're doing?
 - They're just like, you suck.
 I don't know, maybe
 make me like you more.
 - Years ago I was on vacation
 and went to this little town.
They had a play, like
a local community play,
and it was all these
long tables with chairs.
 And whoever put on the play,
 it was just like in this old
 wooden, rustic structure,
 but it's fun to see
 stuff like that.
Well, they put bowls of Chex Mix
 throughout the entire theater.
  So everybody sits down,
  and all you're hearing is
(loud, obnoxious chewing noises)
And I'm like, who approved this?
 (Dan laughing)
  The whole play, people
  were chewing on Chex Mix.
- They go, you know what
adds to Shakespeare,
loud bar snacks.
(Brian laughing)
 - Put some licorice nibs in
 that bowl or something, man.
- How 'bout something soft chew?
I'll soft chew anything,
even a Charleston Chew.
- And the chairs
were like metal.
It was a concrete floor,
 so anybody that sat down or
 got up to use the restroom,
it was (metal
screeching on concrete)
 - Sounds like a prison visit?
  - And then when
  they did sit down,
 (obnoxious chewing noises).
Man, this is a great production.
  - You go, you guys really
  sussed this room out.
 - What was, do you remember
 in your early days,
  like just hell gig
  still to this day?
I mean, I started in the
black comedy circuit,
  so I have so many
  just from being
 the one white guy in a
 place that would go haywire,
 but then, let alone then
 jumping in the open mic scene
 and performing in
 basements of places,
  or places they don't think
  you should have a
  microphone, even.
  - Do you guys know
  Betty's Fireside?
 Betty's Fireside was
 a gig in New Jersey,
and it was notorious
for being a rough room,
and I had heard about it
 before I even moved
 to New York City.
  So I kinda looked forward
 to eventually playing
 Betty's Fireside.
 Betty's Fireside was a
 place where they had a band,
and then in front of the
band was the bartenders,
 and then the bar, and
 then the audience.
 The audience was all standing.
 So for comedy night,
 nobody was seated,
it was just packed with people.
 And I heard that the
 room can be rough.
 So they wanted me to
 be the first comedian,
 so I said, all right, fine.
 And I said, "Who does
 the off stage intro?"
  And they looked at me like
  I was from another planet.
 (laughing) Off stage intro?
- This guy, fuckin' what
do you think you are?
 Where are you?
 Where do you think you are?
You think you're in the
(drowned out by Jay)
 - Saunter up there.
 - What, you think there's
 another microphone somewhere?
  - Oh, I'm sorry, Liberace,
 we couldn't get
 the chandelier down
 for you to play your tunes.
(Brian laughing)
 - I'm sorry, that
 that guy's lighting
  the candelabra right now.
(Brian and Dan laughing)
 - I don't know what
 I was thinking.
 And I said, "Well, how
 does the show start?"
 They said, "You just get on
 stage and start the show."
 So I was gonna be the first
 of the three comedians,
 and I said all right.
And I thought I had enough chops
 where I could
 handle a rough room.
 And so I just start walking up
 the steps to get on the stage,
  and this guy from the
  corner in the back yells,
 "You suck!"
 (Dan laughing)
 And I'm not at the mic yet,
 so I can't defend myself,
so I have to like look and wink,
 like, hey, I'll get
 to you in a second.
(Brian and Dan laughing)
- [Jay] Hang tight, bud.
  - Hang on, I gotta get to
  the microphone! (laughing)
 - You have to give
 a politician point,
where you go I hear what
you're saying and I'm gonna ...
- Yeah, yeah, I hear ya.
  Give me a second, I gotta
  get to the sound system.
 - There are issues,
 there are issues, sir.
 (Dan laughing)
 - So I'm still
 walking to the mic,
  and a guy from the
  other side said,
 "We think you suck
 from over here, too."
 So I was like double-barreled.
And I got to the mic and
tried to nice guy it,
  which was the worst move.
- Yeah, smell the fear.
 - Oh, man, you know, I
 hit with the angle of,
 "Hey, c'mon fellas."
(all laughing together)
  "Come on, I've got some
  lighthearted comedy jokes
 "I'd like to share with you."
- You verbally put your
hands on your hips.
(Brian laughing)
You went, guys, stop it.
 - Boys? Boys?
- Boys, yelling is bad.
  - Yeah, that's not right.
 Come on, guys, you
 know that's not right.
And they just buried me.
  And it was one of
  the first times
that I didn't do my entire time.
 Everybody was supposed
 to do a half hour,
 and I'm on stage 10 minutes in
and I'm going this ain't
doing anybody any good.
 (Dan and Jay laughing)
  Me doing a half hour ain't
  doing anybody any good.
 You know what I mean?
 - The guy after you's
 got more to clean up.
 - Yeah, the guy who
 was following me,
 like he's gonna watch
 30 minutes of this?
  He's gonna leave.
 - There is that funny
 thing when you're
 watching someone have a
 rough time in front of you,
  and a part of you is like,
  you feel terrible for 'em.
But then it's like, oh,
man, if they jump early,
 it's gonna throw
 the whole thing off.
You know, like that's
gotta be a scary thing.
  - There's been times where
  I've watched people eat it
 so hard that you want
 them to jump early.
You want to be like, get
off, come on, come on.
 - No, I know, that's
 what I'm saying,
 'cause you don't want them
 to have to do the full time
 of like, man, this
 crowd might still ...
  The people who don't know
  me are gonna come in here
thinking like this might
be this the whole time.
  - Yeah, 'cause it's
  amazing, still, you know,
  I was just at the
  Albany Funny Bone,
which is in a mall, and
you really look out,
 and you're like 30% of
 you are here to see me
  and everyone else
  just got a coupon.
 (Brian laughs)
 I was coming home on Sunday,
 and I was like, "Are you
 staying for the Sunday show?"
  And he goes, "No,
  it's a hypnotist."
 And I was like, "Oh,
 yeah, yeah, yeah."
 That's like a Sunday
 show at a club.
 And he goes, "You ever
 open for a hypnotist?"
 And I was like,
 "Yeah, you haven't?"
 And he was, like, blown away.
 You forget all the crazy shit
that you open for as a comedian.
 - All these mall
 clubs, it really is.
 Add to the ridiculous
 menu eating,
 now add like four bags from
 FootAction U.S.A., LeClaire's.
 - I filled in for
 a comedy hypnotist,
  and nobody told me
 (Dan and Jay laughing)
or the audience.
  - Wait, they were waiting
  for you (mumbles)?
 - They thought that I was
 going to do comedy hypnosis,
 and I just ate it for an hour.
  And I walked off stage and
  you get that flop sweat,
 and the first thing
 you want to do
is go to the bar
and get yourself
  a double Jack and
  ginger something.
  And somebody came
  up to me and said
how come you didn't make
us act like chickens?
 (Dan and Jay laughing)
- They were all waiting
to be hypnotized.
 - What are you talking about?
 And they showed me the table
 tent that was on every table,
 Comedy Hypnosis Night.
 (Jay laughing)
  Nobody knew, including me.
  - It said relax your minds
  and prepare for comedy.
(Brian laughing)
  - More than a quarter of
  the people in the audience
  after 20 minutes was like,
 this guy's really
 long on the foreplay.
(Brian and Jay laughing)
 - Are we supposed to be
 paying attention to key words?
 Have I been asleep
 for 10 minutes and I
 don't even know it?
  - Has he been programming
  us with these stories?
- Yeah, all these goofy
the station wagon thing.
 Maybe now we start
 making chicken noises!
 (Dan and Jay laughing)
  - Do you think we're gonna
  wake up in a station wagon
  that we've been
  in the whole time?
 Yeah, that's fucking crazy.
But it was this innocent
question when the MC asked that,
 where he was like, "Have
 you opened for a hypnotist?"
 You're like, "Oh, buddy, I've
 opened for a silent clown
 "and his wife
 plays the piccolo."
 And then what I like
 is then when you meet
 a comic that's been
 around the road,
  they're like, "Oh, T.C.
  Hatter's still out there?"
 You're like, aw, fuck.
 - That was my favorite thing
 ever was Chipps Cooney.
 He was featuring for
 me in Philly once,
we're outside of Philly.
 And as he was tying his cape,
 he goes, "So what
 have you been up to?"
 I said, "I just
 opened for Dave Attell
 "on the Insomniac tour
 on the East Coast."
And he goes, "Yeah? Like
theaters and stuff?"
I go, "Yeah, it was like
a bunch of theaters."
As he's tying his
magicians cape, he goes,
 "Ah, good to see that
 kid's doing theaters, now."
(all laughing together)
 And then he ran back
 in the room, you know,
 whatever, 30 minutes
 later in his underwear
 with a fake shit stain in it,
holding his tuxedo in his hands,
  and he goes, "Hot crowd."
(Brian and Dan laughing)
  He goes, "Hot, hot crowd."
You know, the thing
about opening or subbing
 for somebody who you didn't
 know you were subbing for,
 that was always the best with
  the black circuit
  ski trip shows.
They would book them and
get these high budgets,
  'cause they would be like,
Chris Tucker and Martin
Lawrence are coming.
 And then they would
 get the budget
  and pay me and whoever I
  wanted to bring like $700.
 And you'd get there
 and you'd be like,
"Hey, where are the comedians?"
 They'd go, "I thought Chris
 Tucker was gonna," you know.
 It was like, not that level,
 but it was like they
 always saw those names
 from Def Jam that were coming,
and I was like, "No,
not only is it not them,
 "it's also two white
 guys who didn't know
 "that's what was happening."
 And it would just go almost
 nightmarish every time.
- [Brian] That's rough.
 - I mean, that's just
 gotta be promoters
 just being like, oh,
 we can, you know.
 - It's them snagging
 money, yeah.
 They're getting like, $10,000
 budgets and paying out $700.
 - [Brian] Man, oh man.
 - If you would do
 two in a night, you
 would get like $1,000.
 I don't want to hold
 you up here too long,
  I know you got a
  long day of stuff.
I mean, you're a legend,
you're hilarious.
 - Thank you.
 - Thanks so much
 for coming on, dude.
 - Thank you very much, man.
 I appreciate the kind words,
  and thanks for bringing
  back the horrific memories
of the drunk prostitute.
  - I'm so excited
  on our radio show
 that I was able to
 tell you that story.
It's my number one
story of you gotta watch
 who you invite to a
 show, man. (laughing)
  (brief metal guitar riff)
