WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
FOR WEEKS NOW, THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION HAS BEEN TRYING
TO GET THE AMERICAN PUBLIC ON
BOARD WITH THE IDEA OF WAR WITH
IRAN.
YOU CAN HEAR THE DRUMBEAT, BUT
SO FAR, NOBODY'S DANCING.
MAYBE THERE'S A GOOD REASON, BUT
THEY'RE NOT SHARING IT WITH US.
FOR INSTANCE, SOMEBODY ATTACKED
TWO OIL TANKERS IN THE GULF OF
OMAN.
AND NOW SOME OF TRUMP'S TEAM ARE
REPORTEDLY PUSHING FOR WAR, LIKE
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND
STATLER AND WALDORF'S LOVE
CHILD, JOHN BOLTON.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: OH, WOW.
WOW.
>> Stephen: ALSO, SECRETARY OF
STATE MIKE POMPEO,
WHO WENT ON THE SUNDAY SHOWS TO
SAY HE HAD PROOF IT WAS IRAN.
>> THERE'S NO DOUBT.
THE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE HAS
LOTS OF DATA, LOTS OF EVIDENCE.
THE WORLD WILL COME TO SEE MUCH
OF IT, BUT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
SHOULD REST ASSURED WE HAVE HIGH
CONFIDENCE WITH RESPECT TO WHO
CONDUCTED THESE ATTACKS.
>> STEPHEN: BASICALLY, "TRUST
US," BUT HIS BOSS JUST NOTCHED
LIE NUMBER 10,000.
THAT'S LIKE GETTING MARRIED AND
TRUSTING YOUR RINGBEARER TO BE
GOLLUM.
( LAUGHTER )
SO HAPPY.
SO TRUMP IS SENDING IN MORE
TROOPS, HE'S ALREADY SENT IN A
CARRIER GROUP, HE'S FIGURING
OUT WHERE IRAN IS ON A MAP.
(AS TRUMP)
( LAUGHTER )
A FIRM RESPONSE IS A GOOD THING
FROM THE UNITED STATES, BUT THE
WORRY
IS IF YOU SEND MORE PEOPLE INTO
THE AREA, YOU INCREASE THE
CHANCE THAT SOMETHING BAD
HAPPENS, SOMEBODY MAKES A
MISTAKE AND SUDDENLY YOU END UP
AT WAR.
WELL, THE BIG NEWS TODAY IS
SOMETHING BAD HAPPENED, SOMEBODY
MADE A MISTAKE.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN
OUR NEW, HOPEFULLY VERY
SHORT-LIVED SEGMENT, "AMERICA AT
WHAAA?"
( LAUGHTER )
THINGS ESCALATED LAST NIGHT WHEN
IRAN SHOT DOWN A U.S. DRONE.
NOW, IT WAS AN UNMANNED DRONE--
JUST A PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY.
THIS WOULD BE LIKE DECLARING WAR
OVER A DOWNED WASHING MACHINE.
BUT IT COULD HAPPEN.
REMEMBER, WORLD WAR I STARTED
WHEN AN ANARCHIST STOLE THE
KAISER'S TOASTER.
( LAUGHTER )
THE TWO SIDES DON'T AGREE ON THE
DETAILS.
IRAN'S REVOLUTIONARY GUARD SAID
IT SHOT DOWN AN "INTRUDING
AMERICAN SPY DRONE" AFTER IT
ENTERED INTO THE COUNTRY'S
TERRITORY, WHILE U.S. CENTRAL
COMMAND SAYS, "THIS WAS AN
UNPROVOKED ATTACK ON A U.S.
SURVEILLANCE ASSET IN
INTERNATIONAL AIRSPACE."
BUT WHO ARE YOU GOING TO
BELIEVE, IRAN, OR THE U.S.
GOVERNMENT... IS A QUESTION THAT
USED TO BE REALLY EASY TO
ANSWER.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
ONE THING THEY DO AGREE ON IS
THE TYPE OF AIRCRAFT -- IT WAS
AN
RQ-4A GLOBAL HAWK HIGH-ALTITUDE,
LONG, ENDURANCE UNMANNED
AIRCRAFT SYSTEM.
HAWK, HIGH ALTITUDE, LONG
ENDURANCE?
THAT'S EITHER A PLANE OR SPAM
MAIL FOR A BONER PILL.
( LAUGHTER )
MAKE THEM SAY WOW WOW WOW.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT IS THE LAUGH OF RECOGNITION
FROM PEOPLE HERE.
SO WHAT IS THE ADMINISTRATION
GOING TO DO?
WELL, TODAY, THE PRESIDENT WAS
ASKED ABOUT THE SITUATION IN THE
OVAL OFFICE.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, HOW WILL YOU
RESPOND?
>> YOU'LL FIND OUT.
>> ARE YOU WILLING TO GO TO WAR
WITH IRAN OVER THIS?
>> YOU'LL FIND OUT.
YOU'LL FIND OUT.
>> STEPHEN: WE'LL FIND OUT?
THIS IS AN INTERNATIONAL
CONFLICT, NOT THE SEASON FINALE
OF "THE BACHELOR."
( LAUGHTER )
(AS TRUMP)
"DENISE, YOU GET THE ROSE.
IRAN, YOU GET INVADED."
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP WAS CERTAIN WHERE THE
DRONE WAS WHEN IT WAS SHOT DOWN:
>> THIS DRONE WAS IN
INTERNATIONAL WATERS CLEARLY, WE
HAVE IT ALL DOCUMENTED.
IT'S DOCUMENTED SCIENTIFICALLY,
NOT JUST WORDS.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YEAH,
SCIENTIFICALLY, JOHN,
SCIENTIFICALLY, NOT JUST WITH
WORDS.
SCIENTIFICALLY.
WORDS AREN'T SCIENCE.
DON'T BELIEVE ME?
JUST ASK THEORETICAL PHYSICIST
ALBERT MIME-STEIN.
( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
BUT EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE IRAN
DEAD TO RIGHTS WITH TONS OF
EVIDENCE THAT THEY JUST CAN'T
SHOW US RIGHT NOW, TRUMP WAS IN
A FORGIVING MOOD.
>> I THINK PROBABLY IRAN MADE
A MISTAKE.
I WOULD IMAGINE IT WAS A GENERAL
OR SOMEBODY THAT MADE A MISTAKE
IN SHOOTING THAT DRONE DOWN.
>> STEPHEN: YES, TRUMP
UNDERSTANDS THAT PEOPLE MAKE
MISTAKES.
AFTER ALL, HE'S HAD THREE WIVES
AND ERIC.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
TRUMP ALSO TALKED ABOUT IRAN
LAST NIGHT DURING A PHONE
INTERVIEW WITH FOX NEWS PUNDIT
AND FACE DRAWN ON A THUMB
SEAN HANNITY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> AS YOU LOOK AT THE
GEOPOLITICAL WORK UP THERE
IRAN, RUSSIA, CHINA, TELL ME
YOUR CONCERNS.
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING.
>> STEPHEN: (SINGING AS TRUMP)
S DON'T WORRY
ABOUT A THING.
S 'CAUSE EVERY LITTLE THING
IS GOING TO BE A LIE S
( LAUGHTER )
DON'T STOP NOW!
( BAND PLAYING )
NOW STOP.
NOW.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT THE THING TRUMP CALLED IN TO
BRAG ABOUT WAS HIS RALLY.
NOW, LAST NIGHT I SHOWED YOU THE
FOOTAGE THAT PROVED NO OVERFLOW
CROWD WAS IN THE PARKING LOT
DURING TRUMP'S SPEECH.
SO, NATURALLY, TRUMP LIED ABOUT
THAT, TOO.
>> OUTSIDE THERE WAS THOUSANDS
OF PEOPLE.
WE WERE ASKING PEOPLE NOT TO
SHOW UP, WE WERE SAYING PLEASE
DON'T COME.
>> Stephen: WE WERE BEGGING
THEM NOT TO COME SO HARD THAT
THEY HEARD US BEFORE WE SAID IT
AND THEY NEVER SHOWED UP.
SO THAT'S A WIN.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP THEN TALKED ABOUT THE
FEELING INSIDE THE DEFINITELY
FULL STADIUM.
>> THE FEELING WAS-- IT WAS
LIKE LOVE, BUT IT'S LOVE FOR
WHAT WE ARE ALL ABOUT, THE
THINGS WE STAND FOR.
>> STEPHEN: YES, THEY STAND FOR
LOVE.
IT'S WHY THEY'RE ALWAYS
CHANTING, "LOVE HER UP, LOVE HER
UP!"
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP ALSO COMPARED IT TO
FOOTBALL FANS PRE-GAMING.
>> IT WAS IN A WAY A TAILGATE
PARTY FOR THE COUNTRY.
NOT FOR A TEAM-- ALTHOUGH IT'S A
TEAM WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT.
IT'S A TAILGATE PARTY FOR OUR
COUNTRY.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S EXACTLY LIKE A
TAILGATE PARTY, LOTS OF
DRINKING AND EVERYONE IS
CHEERING FOR A 300 POUND MAN
WITH POSSIBLE BRAIN DAMAGE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
HOW ARE YA?
( PIANO RIFF )
TRUMP SAYS HIS SUPPORTERS
WEREN'T THE ONLY ONES ENJOYING
THE GAME.
>> EVEN THE ENEMIES, AND YOU
KNOW WE HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE
THAT DON'T LIKE US SO MUCH, YOU
POSSIBLY HAVE HEARD ABOUT THAT
SEAN, I'M NOT SURE--
>> I MIGHT HAVE READ ABOUT THAT.
>> THOSE PEOPLE WERE EVEN
SAYING--SOME WOULD SAY THEY'VE
NEVER SEEN ANYTHING QUITE LIKE
IT.
>> STEPHEN: NOT SURE THAT'S A
COMPLIMENT.
"HOW DO YOU LIKE MY NEW
HAIRCUT?"
"I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING QUITE
LIKE IT."
( LAUGHTER )
TRAITS TRULY A NEW ONE.
