You're probably wondering how I got myself
in this situation.
Let's start from the beginning.
Do you want to save money?
Here's 4chan /biz/'s top "how to save money" tips.
The number 1 tip I have to give you is: Make
your money disappear.
Take all the money from your bank account
and put it in your stock brokerage.
You can't spend money if you don't have money.
Choose a really long and confusing password
like this.
Forget the answers to your security questions.
Lock yourself out of the account and you can't
possibly spend money.
Alright, here's my #2 tip.
You're five biggest expenses in life are gonna
be the 5 C's.
Cassa.
College.
Car.
Kids.
And food.
Food is free.
You don't need to spend a single cent on food,
and I'm gonna show you how.
Before you eat food, drink a whole bunch of
water and you'll be less hungry.
You never need to pay for water.
Just take some water from a free water fountain.
Fill up your jug, you're good.
For eating, you can go to your local church
and get free food.
Just tell them that you make less than $12,000
a year and they will give you free food.
Church will probably not give enough food
to survive.
So, you can go to fast food places and get
free condiments to supplement your nutrition.
Look, I'm at Starbucks right now and we got
free mocha, free chocolate, free cinnamon,
free vanilla, and we got free sugar right
here.
That's important calories right there.
If you start feeling light-headed, have an
ice cube.
Or a ketchup packet.
If you want to splurge, and go out to a restaurant
or fast food place, you still don't have to
pay for the meal.
Here's what you do: you go on tinder, or you
go on Plenty of Fish, or on /soc/.
And you know, you make a date with some desperate
girl.
You go, you eat your food, you eat like a
king, and then you make her pay for the date.
If she gives you crap for not paying for the
date just be like "oh my god, I'm sorry I
didn't bring my card, can you pay for this
one and I'll pay for the next one?"
And that's how you get free food from any
restaurant you want.
Kids are one of the top 5 expenses of your
life, and you can cut them out completely
by not having kids at all.
But, if you simply must, unavoidably have
to have kids, here's what you do.
Make them go door to door selling products
like cheap popcorn that you buy from the store,
or subscriptions to magazines, or anything.
And with this method you can even profit from
your kids, it can even be profitable to have
kids.
You can even have the pyramid scheme of families.
Have your kids have kids, and have their kids
have kids, and have all of them go door to
door and get a percentage of the revenue from
all of them.
And just be at the top of the pyramid of your
own family infinite money chain.
These things come in handy all the time.
If you're a business owner, I'm gonna show
you how to save 25% on your labor costs.
People say that women only make 75 cents to
every dollar that a man makes.
If that's true, you'd have to be absolutely
insane to hire a man.
Go with the cheap labor, hire a woman.
Anniversary?
Here's how to get free flowers when you're
feeling romantic.
Look, this guy doesn't look that important.
Here's how to go on expensive vacations for
a fraction of the cost.
So first thing you're gonna do is take some
3D glasses and push out the lenses on them.
Next you're gonna print off an image of the
vacation of your choice.
You can use color or black & white.
I'm using black & white to save money.
And you just tape these on the inside of the
glasses just like this.
And it's as simple as that.
Now you can bring these glasses wherever you
go and you can have a vacation wherever.
Whether you're watching a stupid movie with
your stupid friends, or waiting in line at
the social security office.
You can even post about your vacation on Instagram
like this: take your glasses, flip them the
other way, hold them up to the camera.
I posted this picture on Facebook and I already
got 7 likes!
To cut down on your electricity bill, turn
off your doorbell before you leave the house.
Don't waste thousands of dollars carpeting
your house.
Take two squares of carpet.
And you tape them to your feet like this.
Look at that, and you're all ready to go.
This is what being smart looks like.
Save electricity by driving without your headlights
on.
