 
Dear Santa: I'm Gay

By Erica Hess

Copyright 2016 Erica Hess

Smashwords Edition
Chapter 1: 11/25/2016

Dear Santa:

It's been quite a few years since I wrote to you. I do believe my last letter to you was right around this time in 2002, just a few weeks before I found every santa letter I had ever written stuffed in a desk drawer in my parent's bedroom. Who knew innocently looking for a box of crayons would ruin the magic of Christmas for me until I was a teenager and finally forgave my parents for lying about you.

I know it seems crazy that I am writing to you now that I'm 22 years old, especially since I realize there is nowhere I can actually send this letter (this is definitely not a letter that I I want to end up with my parents). But just for a little while, could we pretend that childhood dream shattering day back in 2002 never happened? I feel like I've lost all the magic in my life and, even if it is naive and childish, I just want something to believe in.

But anyway, let me reintroduce myself. My name is Holly James. You probably remember me best as that little girl with curly brown shoulder length hair that was often pulled into curly pigtails (complements of my mom). People say I had sparkling blue eyes and a smile that was contagious on my face filled with freckles. The freckles have now faded. My hair is still brown and right around shoulder length, but I usually straighten the curls out if it. My blue eyes are the one feature I really like about myself, but I don't see the sparkle in them anymore. I'm not sure if people would describe my smile as contagious anymore. I still smile a good amount. I'm not going to act like I have a terrible life. I'm very blessed. I have an amazing family with two wonderful parents, the greatest big brother, a sister-in-law who I see as my true big sister, and the cutest niece and nephew. I just feel like there's pain and insecurity behind the smile now.

I guess I should get to the point of this letter - what I want for Christmas. I want a boy - one that gives me the same feelings I get from girls. Please bring me a boy that I actually want to kiss; I want a guy that I am truly excited to talk to everyday. I want the man who will give me butterflies just by looking at me.

If I'm honest with myself (and you), I think I've been aware of my feelings for girls my whole life. I didn't chase little boys around at recess trying to kiss them and I never fully grew out of the "boys have cooties" phase. It became apparent when I got into middle school and all my friends started talking about the boys they liked. I didn't understand the feelings they were describing. I had never felt that way toward any guys. I did know that I was growing increasingly curious about other girls, but I just figured those were normal feelings most girls get when they find a girl friend that intrigues them. Then high school came and my friends started having physical relationships with guys and I couldn't possibly understand why that was appealing to them.

I didn't understand the need to kiss or touch someone. That was until Abigail Hickle moved to my town junior year of high school. I was instantly pulled to her. She had beautiful blond hair with loose curls that fell perfectly on her shoulders. She was about 5'6", just two inches shorter than me and she had a great body with curves in all the right places. There was something different about her though. She seemed to be just as interested in me. At first I thought I was imagining the subtle flirting and need to always be touching me in some way, like leaning in close when we studied algebra and resting her head on my shoulder. By the beginning of senior year my feelings had grown immensely and I was pretty confident it wasn't one sided. That was all confirmed at the first high school football game of the season when she pulled me behind the bleachers and kissed me. In that moment, I finally understood all the feelings my friends talked about all these years; I finally understood what it meant to love. At that moment though, I pulled away and told her it couldn't happen. We weren't "those type of people" and we needed to just put any feelings we had aside. She told me I needed to just let it be and go with the flow, so I did for the most part. That year I let myself experience the love I had never known before. Of course, I insisted that we keep it to ourselves and constantly reminded her how wrong it was. Unfortunately, my constant lecturing rubbed off on her and right before we left for college, she told me I was right and this needed to stop. She explained the only way it could was if we took a clean break from each other and stopped talking altogether. She assured me it would be easy since we were going to schools in different states. She was half right. It seemed to be very easy for her. She went to college and never looked back. I was heartbroken and tried calling and texting her every day. I finally got a response near the end of our first semester. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her name pop up on my phone, but the message wasn't what I was expecting.

It read, "I met someone. He is amazing and has shown me what true love is. That's not what we had, so please leave me alone. I never loved you and I never will."

I immediately erased the message and deleted her number from my phone. I couldn't bare the pain that it caused me, but I tried to push that all aside so people wouldn't know I was suffering. If I showed my pain I would have to explain where it came from and I couldn't possibly admit that I was involved in something so wrong.

I thought about Abigail a lot throughout my college career, even while I was trying to date guys here and there. Even in my 4th year, I still think about her now and then. I can't shake the feelings I had when I was with her.

Wow.. what just happened? This note just became a lot longer and more personal than I ever wanted it to be. But long dramatic story aside, please bring me my true love. Abigail found hers, which means there is hope that I can too. Please bring me the guy that will change all these feelings I'm having. It doesn't have to be my soulmate (although that would be nice); I just need someone to prove that I can be normal and love a man like I should.

Just like you got me that tool bench I wanted when I was five, I know I can count on you to get me what I want even now.

Sincerely,

Holly
Chapter 2: 11/26/16

Dear Santa:

Sorry for writing you again, but I feel like there is no one else for me to talk to. Normally when I feel alone I pray, but I feel like I can't in this situation. I don't want God to be mad at me. I realize He sees everything (kind of like you), but praying about it makes it so much more real. He knows what is on my heart, so I know He will change me the way He needs to.

I'm so lost right now. My whole life, I have worked at being the best person I could possibly be. I worked hard in school getting all A's through high school and keeping a 3.7 GPA throughout college so far. I try to stay out of trouble and I'd like to think I didn't cause my parents anymore trouble than the average angsty teenager. I truly care about people and have tried my best to always be there for my friends and family. I'm not perfect by any means, but I also would never intentionally hurt anyone (not even my worst enemy). Even with all of that, am I truly a disgusting person because of the feelings I have? It seems like that. I know the world has gotten much more accepting, but there are still many people that I share so many values with who would look at me differently if they knew I had these feelings. I can't imagine what they would think if they knew I acted on these feelings in the past.

I don't even want to think about what my parents would say. They are ultra conservative, and while they don't go to church every Sunday, they try to go as much as they can (especially around this time of year). I've never really heard them say anything negative about gay people, but I know they disagreed with the legalization of gay marriage. My brother on the other hand is about as liberal as they come. Sometimes I think the only reason he believes what he does, which happens to be the complete opposite of my parents, is to push their buttons. He likes driving them nuts, hence why he was always the trouble maker and I was the angel that arrived 6 years after him. Whatever his reasoning, I would have to think that him and my sister-in-law wouldn't have any problem with the feelings I'm having. I still don't want them to find out though. How would they explain it to my adorable niece and nephew? Would it be hard on them having an aunt like me? They shouldn't have to be subjected to that at such a young age (my nephew is 4 and niece is 2).

This is why I need this Christmas present more than anything. Don't get me wrong. I don't have any problem with people being gay. I support people loving whoever they love, but that's not me. That's just not who I am. I'm a play it safe kind of girl. I don't like causing problems and if having these feelings could cause problems for even one person, it's not what I want. I've never wanted anything more than this. I don't want to feel ashamed of myself anymore. I just want to be happy, truly happy. Do you know how long it has been since I felt that way? Probably my senior year of high school...

Thanks for listening,

Holly
Chapter 3: 11/27/16

Dear Santa,

Today should have been a great day, but all of these thoughts inside of me are eating me alive. It's all I can think about. Even when things are great, there is a feeling in my gut telling me that things are not ok.

Today was our annual trip to the Christmas tree farm a few towns over from mine. It's the day my parents, brother, sister in law, niece, nephew, and I all pile in my parent's mini van and pick out trees together. It's been a tradition since my brother and I were little. We always end the day at our favorite little diner. I was especially looking forward to this part of the day because the diner is in the same town as Dawkins University and they always hire college students to work in order to help them make extra money to afford school. I thought this would give me the perfect atmosphere to scope out my potential Christmas present.

I'm going to start by telling you about the awkward conversations at the Christmas tree farm. This time of year gets my mom really excited about my future (which includes a man). As soon as we got to the farm, she immediately started talking about how nice it will be when I bring a guy along on "our little adventure." As soon as she started, my brother rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. He knew this wasn't going to be her only comment and seemed to be just as annoyed as me. Sometimes I wondered if my brother suspected that I have feelings toward girls. He always tried to change the subject when my mom started talking like this and also hadn't taken on the "protective big brother" role with any of the guys I dated since I was a junior in high school. It was like he didn't feel the need because he knew none of these relationships were serious. These thoughts were interrupted by my mom's questioning, "Really though Holly, why haven't you found a guy worthy of the Christmas tree tradition? I guess you would have to date someone for more than a month to get to that point, huh?" I shrugged my shoulders hoping she would lay off, but she kept going:

"Just think how nice it will be when you get to bring your own family here. You still want a lot of kids right?"

That's when my brother had enough and finally cut in, "Don't worry about it Holls. You know all we are to her are grandbaby making machines." My sister-in-law jumped to my rescue too. She put her arm around me and said, "No matter what, I think we can all agree that whoever ends up with Holly has to be really special. She deserves nothing less." She squeezed my arm and gave me a wink. My mom must have taken this as a hint and began looking at trees.

My mom was right though. She has such big dreams for me. I can't ruin that for her. She deserves to see her only daughter walk down the aisle to the man of her dreams. She deserves to have a bunch of grandkids to spoil. I would never want to ruin those dreams. Truth is, I have the same dreams as her and I'm not willing to give them up either. I want the white wedding. I want a big family. Would those things ever be possible if I gave into these feelings? It doesn't seem like it. I would have to give up so much if I followed what my heart is telling me. I would rather just give up these feelings instead.

The rest of the day these were the thoughts running through my head. Dinner made the day take a somewhat positive turn though. Just as I hoped, we had a waiter and waitress-in-training who were college students. Our waiter Jeff seems like he could be my potential Christmas present. Luckily it was easy to learn a lot about him since my dad likes to get the life story of everyone he meets. Jeff is pretty tall; I'd say around 6 feet. Maybe closer to 5'10" or come to think of it he could actually be as tall as 6'2". Anyway, that's not important. He has brown hair and a nice smile, along with a fairly muscular build. He has been working at the diner for all 3.5 years of college so far. Come to think of it, I'm surprised I haven't seen him before. Maybe I did and just didn't take much notice. He is majoring in business... or did he say computer science? He didn't mention a girlfriend at all so that is a good sign. The waitress he was training is named Zoe Campbell. I would say she is right around 5'7.5". She has pin straight dirty blonde hair that was pulled back in a pony tail that fell a few inches down her back. She has striking green eyes and dimples that appear every time she smiles, even if it was one of those tiny somewhat uncomfortable smiles she gave when my dad kept asking personal questions. She is an elementary education major about to start student teaching next semester. As of now, she thinks she would prefer to teach middle school because she feels kids are very impressionable at this age and that she could make a big difference in their lives. She is training just to be on the staff until next semester starts so she can earn a little extra cash before student teaching takes up all her time.

Both Jeff and Zoe will be working at the diner through most of December. Jeff needs extra money so he is working all the way through the day before Christmas Eve. Zoe actually grew up in this same town she goes to college in so she will be there throughout the whole month. Not that it matters how long Zoe is around. Jeff is the important one. But I have to say, I do think Zoe and I could potentially be good friends. Something about her gives me that vibe.

It looks like I'll have to convince my parents to come back to the diner a lot once I'm home for Christmas break. It shouldn't be hard since they love it there.

I better head to bed. I have to get up early tomorrow morning to make my 3 hour trek back to school. I have one week of classes, then all my finals got packed into Monday through Wednesday the following week so only a week and a half until I am back home!

I hope how the day ended is more of a sign of how this next month will go than how the day started. Can you make that happen? I hope I'm not asking for too much. This is just a Christmas wish that has been building up for a long time.

Until next time,

Holly
Chapter 4: 11/28/16

Dear Santa,

I had a really hard time focusing in class today. This is starting to consume my thoughts. I'm truly starting to hate myself. I have so many questions. Why me? Why can't I just be normal? Did I do something wrong to deserve these feelings? Am I continuing to make the wrong choices and that's why these feelings won't go away?

I read somewhere that it is not wrong to have same sex attraction, but it is wrong if you act on it. The article I read said you can't change the feelings you have; you just have to learn to control them and live with it. Another article went as far as saying that people who have same sex attraction are the "chosen ones." They aren't meant to fall in love or get married because "God has a higher plan for them." I guess that view is a bit more positive than being an abomination, but it really doesn't make me feel any better. I don't want a life where I'm chosen to be alone. I don't even like being alone in my apartment at the few times my roommates have class and I don't. I am also obsessed with love. I can barely get five minutes into a romantic comedy without tearing up. There are some days that I sit around just looking up love quotes hoping that someday I can share them with someone that I love.

There is no way that being alone is the option for me. I refuse to accept that. Maybe it just means I have to settle. Maybe I'm looking too hard for butterflies and fireworks and I just need to be happy with contentment and companionship. I guess I could have given my old boyfriends more of a chance. They were nice guys. At least if my future boyfriend breaks up with me the heartbreak won't be as bad.

Sometimes I think the reason my heart break was so bad after Abigail was to punish me for giving into my feelings for her. I didn't have the willpower to end it with her even when I knew it was wrong. She did have that willpower so maybe that is why she didn't have to get punished for it. I continue to get punished for it every time I realize that I will most likely never experience that love I did in high school ever again. I guess I deserve that though, right? It's my fault for making the mistake of continuing to do something that I knew was wrong.

There was some good news that came today. Apparently a big snow storm is headed toward my school and they are predicting at least Thursday and Friday classes will be cancelled. I have even had some professors already email the notes from those days so we make sure we don't miss out on anything heading into finals. I'm considering driving back home at the first sign of snow fall so I can study for finals there. That way I can put all other responsibilities aside and just focus on studying. I'm sure my friends at school won't be happy since this is our last week to hang out before Christmas break, but if I go home I will get another chance to go to the diner and see Jeff. I can't let that slip away. I'm not sure why I'm acting like this guy I've never met is my soulmate, but I have to believe in the magic of a Christmas miracle.

I have to run. My friends are waiting for me to go get dinner at the dining hall with them and I have to break the news that I'm most likely heading home later this week. Wish me luck and please keep working hard on this Christmas present.

Thanks for listening,

Holly
Chapter 5: 11/29/16

Dear Santa:

I was right about my friends not being too happy about me cutting out during our last week together before break. I broke the news at dinner last night and they were pretty bummed that our plans would be falling through. They did lighten up a bit though when I explained there was a cute boy at the diner that I had my eye on.

I guess before I continue I should tell you a little about my closest college friends. We call ourselves the "fantastic five" (creative, I know) and we met freshman year when we were all in the same dorm. If we hadn't been in the same dorm, I'm assuming there is no way the five of us would have become a tight knit group of friends. We definitely have our differences, but that doesn't matter when you are just starting college and looking for anyone to talk to. After attaching ourselves to each other that first semester, we learned to love each other and love our differences.

The two out of our group that are my roommates are Karen and Sophia. Karen is a biology major and just found out she was accepted into a physicians assistant program for next year. She spent the majority of her time studying. Normally the only way I was able to spend time with her is if I agreed to go to the library together. I'm not sure if I've ever seen Sophia open up a book in her life. Sometimes it seems like she is majoring in Pinterest (instead of journalism) as she spends most of her time on there planning out her wedding. No, she isn't engaged yet but she is hoping to be by the time we graduate. She is still dating her high school sweetheart, Ben - her first love and the first boy she ever kissed. I still get feel a pang of jealousy every time she talks about him. I wish that could be my story (but also with a boy of course.. not my true first love). We work well as roommates because we all enjoy sitting in and watching movies just as much as we like going out to the club, so we never judge each other based on how we choose to spend our Friday nights.

Our other two friends, Penelope and Nora, both play soccer and live with two girls from the soccer team. I honestly don't know how these two haven't killed each other by now. Penelope is studying to be a school counselor and spends her free time attending the Christian groups on campus. I've never seen her have even a sip of alcohol. Sophia and I have gone to many bible studies with her and both really enjoy attending them. We have had many good discussions about our beliefs and it has become very obvious that Sophia and I have a more "liberal" approach to our faith while Penelope seems more rooted in the Old Testament type beliefs. These differences never bothered any of us though. Our conversations were always cut short by Nora telling us that conversations like this might cause a "sinner like her" to melt. I'm honestly not sure what Nora's major is since she has changed it so many times. Her college experience has been more about "booze and boys" (these are her own words). Any chance she gets away from soccer is normally spent drinking. I've never seen her with the same guy for more than one week, but I've also never seen her go for more than a week without a guy hanging on her.

So yes, I guess you could say my friends are one of a kind but they are also the kind of friends that would drop anything to be with you the moment you need them.

Are these explanations really necessary when you should technically already know who all these people are? Oh well... back to my story. My friends seemed surprised, but excited, that I had a potential love interest back home and let me off the hook for ditching them.

We had lunch together again today and then I spent the rest of the day getting ahead on studying. With how much my mind wanders, I need to take advantage of the times I can actually focus.

I better get to bed. I have two classes tomorrow afternoon and then I am heading home before the snow hits. I'm thinking about hitting up the diner on my way, as I pass by it on my drive home.

Wish me luck!

Holly

Chapter 6: 11/30/16

Dear Santa,

Today (or maybe I should say yesterday since it's technically past midnight) was by far one of the worst days of my life so far. Maybe I will look back and realize I was being dramatic by saying this, but right now it feels like my world is crashing down. I guess I better tell you the whole story.

Classes were fine. Both were spent on reviewing for finals. I went back to my place and packed up quickly and was on the road by 4:00. I decided I was going to surprise my parents and not tell them I was coming home because I wanted to stop by the diner and knew they would either question why I did or insist on meeting me there. I wanted the chance to talk to Jeff a little without them around.

I arrived at the diner at 6:30. I was happy to see that Jeff was working and sat in the same section I did the other night with my family hoping he would wait on me again. I was happy to see him walking my way, but did take notice to the fact that Zoe wasn't with him today. As soon as he came to the table he said, "You look awfully familiar. Weren't you just here the other night? Where is your posse?" I explained to him my plan to study at home during the snow storm and head back to school on time for finals on Monday. He told me that Dawkins still has another full week of classes next week and then has finals the following week. He took my order and I took out some school books to study.

The diner was pretty dead, so I talked to him a lot in between him serving the one or two other costumers that were there. I learned that he is in fact a computer science major and will be graduating in May. He comes from a very big family where he is the oldest of 7 kids, hence why he needs to work at the diner to help pay for school. He is from a really small town just 1 hour north of Dawkins. When I was done eating, I asked if it would be ok for me to stick around and study since there weren't other people waiting for my table. He said that would be fine and we continued with small talk during my study breaks.

Two hours after arriving at the diner, Jeff came up and told me his friends were having a party tonight and asked if I wanted to come.

"I know it's a really strange request," he explained "and I totally understand if you don't feel comfortable with it. I'm just having a nice time talking to you and figured since you seemed to get a lot of studying done here tonight that you deserve a break."

Normally I would have never said yes to a request like this. I knew it was a big risk to trust someone I had just met, but he seemed sincere and I figured this could be the answer to my Christmas wish! We also both agreed that we wouldn't drink at all to guarantee we would both be in the right frame of mind.

A half hour later, we hopped in his car and headed to the party. I was right to trust Jeff. He was the perfect gentleman all night. We had a great time talking and I even thought that just maybe I had felt a little something when I was dancing close to him. I was sure that this was my Christmas present and so excited that it even came early!

The time flew by and before I knew it, I looked at my phone and realized that it was 1am. I told him I should probably head home or my parents would become really suspicious about why I left school so late. He drove me back to the diner, walked me over to my car, and held open the door for me. Then he leaned in to give me a hug. I could tell he would have gone for more if he wasn't unsure of how I would respond. I decided I needed to be the one to make the move, so I pulled his face down toward mine and kissed him. I didn't just make it a quick kiss. I really went for it and in the middle of it all, I felt my heart sink. Nothing felt right about it. I understand that not every kiss has to be magical, but here I was with a super nice, good looking guy and all I could think about was how I felt absolutely nothing.

I pulled away, whispered a quick apology, and hopped in my car hoping I could avoid bursting into tears in front of him. Of course that wasn't going to happen. He was too nice of a guy for that. He knocked on my window then opened the door that I didn't have a chance to lock yet.

"So umm do you want to talk about what just happened?" He was tripping over his own words. "I mean..uhh.. I didn't do anything wrong, did I?" I started into a big long "it's not you, it's me" speech and at this point there were tears running down my face.

I saw what seemed like a trace of a smile come onto his face as he questioned, "So does this have anything to do with the way you were looking at Zoe the other night at dinner?" I looked up at him in horror and couldn't even answer. He continued, "I'm not going to lie; she was riding me pretty hard about the fact that you seemed more interested in her. We had a little bet going about who would get your number first if you ever came back to the diner. But please don't think that is the reason I asked you to the party tonight. I actually wasn't thinking about that at all. I just thought you were a really cool girl and it was nice that I had your full attention tonight."

I still had no idea what to say. I was so overwhelmed. Was I really that obvious? Am I a terrible person for how I treated him tonight? Does he hate me now? Is Zoe gay?! The only words I could muster were "I really need to get home."

Jeff leaned into my car, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and whispered "I know you are hurting right now, but please know that you're perfect just the way you are. Be the person you were made to be." Why did he have to keep proving that he was the perfect guy? He barely knew me and was saying all the right things. He was the answer to all my wishes and prayers and just like that I let him slip away.

"Thanks," I forced myself to say, "Please don't tell Zoe..or anyone else..about what happened tonight." He looked at me with absolute sincerity in his eyes and said "Of course not."

I drove home in tears, taking a few extra turns here and there to try to compose myself. I didn't actually walk into my house until about 4am. I snuck in and left a note telling my parents I wanted to surprise them, but they were asleep when I arrived. Luckily they weren't woken up by me entering and I knew they probably went to bed around 10, not making it hard to believe that I could arrive after that.

I want to write more about how I'm feeling right now, but I'm so emotionally exhausted I can't write anything else. Thanks for trying. I know that was my gift and I know I blew it. Sorry for messing everything up. I could really use a sign of where I should go from here because I am completely lost.

Sorry for everything,

Holly
Chapter 7: 12/1/16

Dear Santa,

It's 2:00pm on Thursday and I just now woke up. My mom finally gave in and came to get me. She's really excited that I decided to come home and informed me that I made the right choice because classes had already been cancelled for the rest of the week. I told her that I had stayed up studying when I got home last night so I just needed an hour or so more sleep. I hate lying, but I'm not ready to face the world yet.

I just started scrolling through my unread text messages. There are so many and I just don't have the energy to reply. Most are from the "fantastic five" asking how it went with "diner boy." Jeff also sent me a few texts. He told me that he was sorry if he made a confusing time even more confusing, that my secret was safe with him, and that he was here if I ever needed someone to talk to. I sent him a quick "thank you and I'm sorry" text back because I felt guilty about everything that happened. What did he mean by "my secret is safe with him"? Does he mean my secret feelings or does he actually think I'm gay?

Last night made it clear that I can't be with a guy. As much as I can say that I will be happy just to settle, I can't do it. I felt love before and I honestly think it would be easier to be alone than to have to go through every day pretending that I'm feeling that. Not to mention that it would be completely unfair to the guy I would end up with. He would have to be very patient to put up with me and my lack of passion and a guy like that deserves to be loved fully.

Maybe I had one chance at true love and I wasted it. Maybe we can only experience that home-run-feeling type of love with one person in our lifetime and most people are just lucky enough to experience it with the person who loves them back just the same. Maybe I got caught up and wasted that love on someone who was never truly going to love me back. Why would I do that? Why couldn't I just save those feelings for someone like Jeff? I get that I don't really know him and maybe he could turn out to be a huge jerk, but so far he has shown himself to be one of a kind.

Why is this happening to me? I can't help but constantly wonder what I did to deserve this. All the dreams I have for the future are tumbling down around me.

But now it is time for me to do what I do best. I need to keep this pain hidden behind the smile I plaster on my face. I don't want to burden anyone else with this pain. I don't want it to get in the way of my studying. So I'm just going to try to bury it deep within me.

I know you already gave me one gift that I royally screwed up, but could I ask you for something else? Could you help me figure out where to go from here? I'm just looking for any sign, big or small, to show me what I'm supposed to do now. I want to keep believing that there is someone out there listening to me.

Thanks for being that someone,

Holly

Chapter 8: 12/2/16

Dear Santa,

I am writing this letter at 10:30 on Friday night. Things have gotten strange since I last wrote to you. A few "signs" have occurred but they weren't the signs I was expecting. When I asked for a sign, I was expecting to stumble across an article about the positives of being single or a quote about being happy when life gets hard. I thought that would give me some encouragement to keep pushing forward and keep smiling. But as soon as I walked out of my room on Thursday, a line from a made for tv Christmas movie playing on our family room tv caught my attention. I have no idea what the context was but the character stated, "The best gift is when we learn to accept who we truly are and live the life we were meant to live." It seemed like a very strange coincidence that I walked out to that part, but I still blew it off as just that - a coincidence.

The rest of Thursday was spent studying, other than a few breaks here and there. On one break, I decided to take a drive through town with my mom to see if anyone put up Christmas decorations yet. We passed one of the many churches in our town and I noticed the sign said, "No matter who you love, God loves you and so do we!" I questioned whether this was referring to LGBT individuals but then realized there was a tiny gay pride flag sitting in the lawn.

The last sign came before I fell asleep last night. I decided to take a look at one of my favorite blogs that is filled with inspiring stories of people overcoming adversity. There is always a "Post of the day" on the site and the one for yesterday just happened to be an article called "Gay is ok: 100 reasons to come out of the closet." I didn't read the article. It seemed like too much for me to handle right now, but it did strike me as strange to have that article come up considering everything I'm going through. I was in and out of sleep all night Thursday thinking about it. I spent all day today studying and didn't notice anymore signs. But I can't shake what happened yesterday. What does that all mean? How am I supposed to take it? My head and my heart are telling me two different things.

You might think I'm crazy talking about all these "signs." I know many people don't believe in signs and the truth is, I'm not sure how much I believe in them. I know I asked you for a sign and have been talking about them like I believe, but I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. These definitely seemed like signs to me. So maybe signs are real... or maybe it's not about signs at all - maybe it is about just finally seeing what has been there all along. But does that mean what I think it means? I need some sleep. All of this back and forth inside my head is making me tired.

Thanks for listening to my random thoughts!

Holly
Chapter 9: 12/3/16

Dear Santa,

I realize I should be studying, but I have so many conflicting ideas running through my head right now. Part of me hates myself for being the person I am and not being strong enough to fight it. But there is another part of me that is wondering if maybe I have been wrong all these years. Maybe I let society and things I have heard throughout the years convince me that there is something wrong with me when there really isn't.

I know it sounds lame, but I searched the internet all day about being gay. Every time I read an article about homosexuality being ok, I started to feel like maybe I could accept myself for who I am; but then I would get to the next article about it being wrong or sinful and the self loathing would come right back. The same thing happened when I watched videos. I would watch a pro-gay video and feel inspired to start loving myself, but then I would watch an anti-gay video and feel guilty for ever considering accepting this part of me.

I have read so many conflicting opinions that I don't know what to believe! Some say it is an abomination to even have these feelings, others say it is only wrong if you act on them, and then some say that there is nothing wrong with having the feelings or acting on them! There are videos of ex-gay people talking about how they became straight and then other videos where people said they were even sent to conversion camps and couldn't change. There are people from every race, culture, and religion who are against being gay but there are also people from every race, culture, and religion who support the LGBT.

So who is right and who is wrong? I know some really good people who believe it is wrong to be gay and some really good people who think it is fine. I also know some not-so-good people on both sides of the issue. I wish I knew what you thought. You're the one who makes the naughty and nice lists. You have to have some idea of what is right and wrong.

In other news, my mom and dad mentioned that they want to go to the diner tomorrow for brunch. As if things can't get any worse, I'll most likely have to face Jeff tomorrow. He has sent me some really nice text messages, but I haven't been too responsive to him. I honestly don't even know what to say. How can I explain myself to someone else when I can't even understand who I am? I guess I need to stop worrying about all this for now and get back to studying.

Sincerely,

Holly
Chapter 10: 12/4/16

Dear Santa,

It's Sunday night - crunch time for my finals tomorrow - and I am writing you another letter. Who have I become? I'm writing a letter to a man I stopped believing in when I was 8 years old. Oh well.. why stop now?

Today was another weird day. Much to my dismay, we did end up going to the diner today and both Jeff and Zoe were there. I noticed when we sat down that the two of them were having a discussion and watching our table. It almost looked like they were discussing who had to wait on us. When I saw Zoe walking over, I didn't know whether to feel excited or sad. First off, I still haven't decided if it's ok for me to feel excited about her and secondly, I was afraid that Jeff was trying to avoid seeing me. I guess brunch went alright. I couldn't help but take notice to every little thing that Zoe did and I was hoping that I wasn't as obvious this time around. I liked the way she seemed to be shy, but also carried herself with confidence. She doesn't seem like the type of person who would question herself the way I do. But anyway, I'm just rambling now. I'll stop.

As our brunch was winding down, I looked down and saw a text from Jeff that said, "Could we talk before you leave?" I felt like I owed it to him, but I had to find a way to do it without my parents noticing. My mom would get way too excited if she saw me talking to a cute boy. I told him to meet me back by the bathrooms and then told my parents that I had to use the restroom so they should get the car warmed up. When did I get so good at lying? I don't like it.

My heart was pounding walking toward the bathrooms, worried about what Jeff was going to say to me. When I got to him, he looked sincerely worried and asked "Are you ok?" I lied and told him that I was, but I'm pretty sure he saw right through that. "Listen," he stated "I realize that I don't actually know what is going on with you, but I have some ideas. I'm sorry if my assumption is wrong, but one of my brothers is gay and I know how hard it was for him when he was coming out. He was so ashamed of himself that he used to self-harm, until my family realized what was going on and reassured him that we still love him. I just want to make sure nothing like that happens with you." It was shocking to hear those words come out of his mouth. As terrible as I felt sometimes, I honestly never thought about hurting myself. It made me sad thinking about those who would. I gave him a hug and reassured him that I wasn't going to hurt myself. I started to cry a little again as I told him that I have a lot that I need to figure out about myself and that his assumption wasn't wrong. He told me to please let him know if there was anything that he could do and then joked, "I hope my terrible kissing skills made your feelings easier to sort out." I couldn't help but laugh at this, but again felt a pang of sadness that I couldn't end up with an amazing guy like Jeff.

When I finally got in the car my mom asked if I was feeling ok since it had been so long. I brushed it off as nerves and was quiet the rest of the way home.

Aside from studying, I spent the rest of the day thinking about Jeff's reaction to me possibly liking girls. He was so nice about it. I can't help but wonder if he is just an extremely nice person or if most people in my life would actually react this way. Maybe it's not the big deal I'm making it out to be. It doesn't feel that way though. It feels like the biggest deal - it is the one thing I have been battling most of my life - how is that not a big deal? To me, it feels like everything.

I really need to decide how I feel about this and where to go from here. This internal battle is exhausting and I just can't do it anymore. It's too much. I need to decide who I am and be proud of it. I hate that I am using the word "decide" right now. There are people who claim that these feelings are a choice and the fact that anyone would think that makes me sick. Why would I choose these feelings? Do you really think I chose to spend my whole life questioning, even hating, who I am? Do you think I like being different than all my friends? I hate feeling like I can't relate to the people I am closest to. I hate feeling like there is always something holding me back from having a truly sincere relationship with them. When I use the word decide, I guess what I really mean is whether or not I am going to decide to accept myself, show people the real me, and live the life that matches what I feel on the inside. Honestly the only "choice" I have is whether I let myself be happy or not.

I have a lot to think about, but I also have two finals to take tomorrow afternoon and still need to drive back to school. Luckily, the snow has stopped so I won't have to worry about that (the only thing I'm not worrying about right now).

Thanks again,

Holly

Chapter 11: 12/5/16

Dear Santa,

Finals went fine today. I have two more (1 tomorrow, 1 Wednesday) that I'm not too worried about, so naturally I spent all night doing "research." 5 anti-gay videos, 5 pro-gay videos, and one very long, confusing sermon later and I have come to one conclusion - no one actually knows what the hell they are talking about. Sorry about the language, but it is honestly all speculation and I'm sick of it. "God loves gay people," "No God hates gay people," "You can choose to not be gay," "being gay is not a choice." It's all so contradicting which just proves that no one truly knows. Along with most things in this world, there isn't one side that is correct. There's no way to be 100% sure about what is right or wrong. You can only go by how you personally feel inside and in the end, that should be all that matters.

So I've realized that watching videos and reading articles isn't going to help me. Neither will those "Am I gay" quizzes online. I need to look inside myself and figure out what I truly feel. I mean, it's not actually about what I feel. I know what I feel. I've felt it my whole life. It's now about where I want to go from here. Do I let go of my fear and embrace my true self? Do I share my true colors with others knowing that some people will never accept me? It won't be easy showing this part of me, so now is the time where I decide if it's worth it.

Either way, I have decided to stop being so hard on myself. I need to accept who I am and realize that I am a good person. I have been happy about most of the decisions I have made in my life and I am proud of the young lady I have grown into. I'm not going to let this one thing keep me from loving myself.

I think I know what I need to do and it's probably going to be the hardest, yet most rewarding moment of my life. I need to stop denying the one thing I have always known. I need to live the way that I think is right. It is time to live the life I was meant to live.

Now, I just need to find the courage to say the two words that I have never been able to say to myself or anyone else. These two words are going to change everything, but I really do believe it is going to be for the best.

I'll write again when I'm ready.

Big things are coming!

Holly
Chapter 12: 12/6/16

Dear Santa,

I'm not ready yet.

Holly

Chapter 13: 12/7/16

Dear Santa,

I'm gay. I've been alive for 22 years, most of that time aware that I was different, and this is the first time I have ever said that. It's hard to explain the amount of freedom I feel just writing down those words. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, and though I know that this is just the beginning and I will have to face a lot of adversity on the road ahead, being able to say it and be ok with it is a freeing experience that I will never truly be able to put into words.

I'm gay and I am ok with that. I am happy with the person I am. I'm a daughter, sister, aunt, student, and friend. I am a brown haired, blue eyed female. I am also gay. I now realize this is just one part of me. It's just one small part that makes up the person I am, but it is a part of me. It is not a part that I am going to deny anymore. It is not a part that I am going to hide.

I've come to realize that this doesn't change anything about my past, present, or future. I'm still the same person I have always been and I still have the same goals and dreams. I just might end up with someone different by my side than I had originally pictured.

I refuse to believe that there is something wrong with me. I refuse to believe that this heart that has so much love to give is meant to be alone. I refuse to believe that the love that I will someday feel toward another human being could be anything but beautiful.

I know people will disagree with me, but I no longer want to see my love for the same sex as a sin, abomination, or something disgusting that needs to be fixed. It doesn't make sense to me that a God that preaches about love wouldn't want me to give or receive that love in the form of a committed relationship.

I'm ready to move on with my life and to stop fixating on one piece of myself that some people may not like. There are more important things going on in this world than me trying to "fix myself." I have big plans for making this world a better place and that can't happen if I'm focused on myself. Fighting the losing battle of "fixing myself" would take all my strength and keep me from focusing on the true problems in this world. Just think of all the people I can help if I put my time and energy into that instead of my internal battles.

I never understood "gay pride." It didn't make sense that people felt the need to be "proud" of being attracted to the same sex. But, as I sit here writing this letter, thinking about everything that led me up to this point, I'm proud. I'm proud that I was strong enough to make it through even when I felt alone, I'm proud that I was able find the strength to love myself, and I'm proud to be the person I was made to be.

I know this seems like a complete 180 and I guess it kind of is. But this has been building inside of me for a long time. I think I always had the capacity to love and accept myself, but just had to get to that point on my own time.

Again, I realize this is just the beginning. I'm going to shock, and possibly hurt, people by coming out. There are going to be a lot of people who don't understand, but that's ok because I don't fully understand it. It's not something that needs to be understood - just accepted. And if I have people that can't accept me, I will have to be happy and content with accepting myself. That will be easier said than done, but I have this letter to remind me. I know the rest of my journey isn't going to be easy, but I can at least now see that it will be worth it.

Your gay friend,

Holly

Chapter 14: 12/8/16

Dear Santa,

I'm not even sure what to write after writing that last letter. I feel like a whole new person, yet I feel like nothing has changed. It's strange. I guess I can update you on what has been going on (besides having the biggest break through of my life). My finals on Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty easy, thank God since I really didn't spend as much time studying as I should have. Things have been low key since finals ended yesterday. The "fantastic five" decided that we would all stay at school through Friday night since I had messed up our plans for last week.

I texted Jeff this morning and told him that he was right about everything, I am finally accepting myself, and that I am very thankful for how nice he has been through all of this. Within a minute I had a text back saying, "Wow! I am so happy for you! This is a big step. If you need anything, I'm always a call, text, or drive to the diner away." I guess I was right about Jeff being a gift. His friendship has meant everything to me and it feels like we've been friends forever. It's hard to believe that it was just one week ago that I was trying to make out with him. Oops.

But anyway, back to my friends. I think I'm going to tell them tomorrow night. I know it seems fast and sudden, but I want to do it in person and won't see them for a few weeks. If they react well, I get to have that burden off of me and if they don't react well, at least I won't have to face them for awhile. I think they will be ok with it. People my age normally are. I just hope it doesn't change anything between us. We like to have sleepovers where we all snuggle close to each other and talk about boys. Will they feel weird about being close to me knowing that I have feelings for girls? Will they feel awkward if I bring up a girl I like? I love my friends and I love how we are together. I just hope and pray that this doesn't change anything. It would kill me if they felt uncomfortable around me.

The friend I worry about most is Penelope. I know she has very strong traditional beliefs and this probably goes against them. At the same time, she is one of the sweetest, most caring people I have ever met so I don't believe she would ever be mean to me about it.

No matter what happens, I know this is something that I have to do. It is important to remember that things will turn out the way they are supposed to. What's most important now is showing those closest to me the part of me that I have been hiding.

Here goes nothing!

Holly

Chapter 15: 12/9/16

Dear Santa,

My first experience coming out went really well! Penelope and Nora came over to our apartment tonight and we ordered pizza. The plan was to eat, exchange presents, and watch Christmas movies. I decided that I wanted to tell them early so it wasn't on my mind all night. Once Penelope, Nora, and the pizza arrived and we all settled onto different chairs and couches, Sophia asked what movie we should watch. My heart was beating so fast because I knew this was my chance. I could feel myself start to sweat and it felt like the whole room froze around me.

"Actually guys," I mumbled "before we start a movie I need to tell you something." They all stared at me with concerned looks on their faces. They could clearly tell how upset it was making me to have to talk about this. It felt like we sat there forever in silence until Penelope finally said, "Oh my goodness Holly. Are you sick?" It looked like she was going to start crying, so I knew I had to get it out quickly before I worried them more.

"I'm not sick," I said, "I'm just not the person you think I am. I mean I am. There's just something about me that you don't know. It's something that I just recently came to terms with and I don't want to hide it from you guys anymore." I pulled on my shirt and cleared my throat before stating, "I'm gay." I wanted to go into more of an explanation but I couldn't find the words. So I took a deep breath and waited for their response.

Sophia was the first was to react. She walked up to me, gave me a hug, and said, "It's about time Holly." I pulled back from her embrace and gave her a confused look. "Oh come on Holly," she continued, "You're one of my best friends. We live together for God's sake. Not to mention, my gaydar went off the first time I met you." I didn't know whether to feel happy, confused, or offended by this statement but I knew I felt relieved.

"Wait.. you knew?" I questioned. This was when Karen joined in, "I mean we couldn't know for sure without you telling us, but Sophia and I have discussed it in the past. Not in a bad way. I don't want you to think we were talking about you. We just always said that we wish you could be honest with us, so we could assure you that we don't care who you love. We just love you and that's all that matters."

I was still shocked by their reaction so I questioned further, "Am I that obvious?" Sophia and Karen smirked at each other and then Sophia laughed, "There were definite signs. You never seemed to contribute much to our boy conversations, even when you were dating someone. Not to mention first year when you wouldn't come out of your dorm room for a week because you said an old friend decided she didn't want anything to do with you. You were acting the same way I did when Ben decided to be an idiot and dump me for a week in 10th grade."

By this time, Karen was next to me holding my shaking hand. I looked over to Nora and Penelope who hadn't said anything yet. "Did you guys know too?" I asked. Penelope quietly shook her head no. In true dramatic Nora fashion, she stood up and threw her hands in the air saying, "Well these two idiots never shared their suspicions with me, but I would say it crossed my mind once or twice. I just thought maybe you weren't as boy crazy as me though. Most people aren't. But, come on Holly, did you really think I would care? You're one of the best friends I've ever had. I don't care who you get into bed with at night." I laughed. Of course Nora's mind automatically went there.

I finally gained the courage to talk more. "I am so happy you guys are being so nice about this. But I really hope it doesn't change how our friendship is. I like being able to talk to you guys about anything and I like snuggling up to you in a 'no homo' sort of way." We all laughed at this comment and Nora joked, "This won't change anything! If anything, it just might make me want to kiss you, so watch out." The mood was light as I made a jab at her for 'not being my type' and then they all started excitedly asking about what my type was.

That's when I noticed that Penelope hadn't said anything yet. She was still sitting on the couch and she looked much more serious than the rest of the group. I looked at her with worried eyes and she saw my pain, so she quietly stated, "I would never stop being your friend Holly. I love you and I always will. I'll pray for your happiness. Just make sure you keep God first in your life no matter what." That's when Sophia butted in again, "Yes! And we all know that God loves every part of you, including this part. He made you this way. So please don't believe anyone who says differently." I gave Sophia an appreciative look and squeezed her shoulder. She has always understood me so well, probably better than anyone else in the fantastic five. Looking at Penelope, I could tell that she disagreed with what Sophia said, but she was too sweet to say anything at such a big moment for me. I'm not sure if she will ever truly be ok with this, but I could tell that she will sincerely always be my friend and I'm appreciative of that.

We all shared a group hug and then went back to our plans of watching Christmas movies for the rest of the night. Right now it's technically Saturday (2am to be exact) and I'm writing you this letter from the floor of my apartment where I'm crammed in between my best friends. Karen is snoring and Nora fell asleep with a beer in her hand. It makes me so happy to see that nothing has changed. I'm so excited to share this new part of my life with the greatest people around.

Signed with smiles,

Holly

Chapter 16: 12/10/16

Dear Santa,

The excitement over telling my friends wore off as I packed my bags for home this morning. Nerves took back over. I don't feel right telling my friends that I am gay, but not telling my family. I'm not looking forward to it though. As nervous as I was to tell my friends, I think deep down I knew it would turn out fine. I honestly don't feel that way with my family. It could be fantastic or it could be terrible.

The way my mom has been acting lately is leading me to believe that it is going to be the latter. It seems like all she could talk about today was my future husband and kids. It's like she knows what is coming and is trying to change it. It started from the moment I walked in the door. I dropped my bags in the hallway and my mom automatically said, "It looks like you packed for two! Did you decide to surprise us by bringing someone with you?" She gave me a wink proving that she was hinting at a boy. I sighed and she pushed, "Oh come on Holly. It's not that crazy of a concept."

After this encounter, I locked myself in my room for two hours. I felt bad because I know my mom is just joking around. She has no way of knowing what I am going through and I am continuing to shut her out. By the time I left my room I could tell she felt guilty, but she still didn't drop the subject. "Sorry Holly. I didn't mean to upset you," she said, "I just worry about you. You don't seem as happy as you used to and I'm wondering if you're closing yourself off from that happiness for some reason." Not anymore I thought to myself. She was making a point that she didn't even realize and that was obvious when she added, "So keep your eyes and heart open for that boy who will sweep you right off those pretty little feet of yours."

Luckily, that was the last of the boy conversation for today, but it was enough to prove to me that I need to be honest sooner rather than later. Putting this off isn't going to make anything better. They will have the some reaction whether I tell them now or 5 years from now, so I might as well just go for it.

I decided that I'm going to tell my brother and sister in law first. I'm going over to their house to spend time with them tomorrow and my mom and dad have lunch plans so I know they won't come along. Like I mentioned before, I have high hopes that they won't care. They are very open and accepting people. But again, I just worry about whether it is something they will feel uncomfortable subjecting their kids to.

I have the most amazing family and it would break my heart if this hurts our bond in any way. But it has to be done. They deserve the truth.

Big day tomorrow!

Holly

Chapter 17: 12/11/16

Dear Santa,

If I had known that every coming out experience would go this well, I would have come out years ago! Ok, probably not. But you get the point.

I got to my brother's house around lunch time today. My sister in law had made grilled cheese and soup so we ate that and made small talk. I didn't say too much because I was thinking about how I was going to bring up the subject. I didn't have to think too long because my brother interrupted my thoughts, "What's up with you today Holls? You aren't really talking and you are just sitting here letting your lunch get cold. Are you ok?"

I figured this was as good of time as ever to tell them so I started, "Yeah I'm ok. I just have something I need to tell you and I'm really scared about how you will react. I don't want to do anything that would ruin our relationship." I burst into tears and my sister-in-law rushed over to give me a big hug. "Oh honey," she soothingly cooed as she rubbed my back, "I think we already know."

I pulled back. Am I the most transparent person in the world. "Excuse me?" I muttered through my tears. "Holls," my brother chimed in, "We love you no matter what. If anything, I think you being honest about this is just going to make us closer than ever. So, what is it that you wanted to tell us?"

I was confused. "If you already know, why are you asking?" I questioned. "Because," he pushed me, "this is a big deal and it's important for you to say the words out loud."

"I'm gay," I blurted out hoping that was truly what they were referring too. The smiles on their faces told me it was. "I know you guys are cool with it," I continued, "but does it bother you that your kids are going to be around it? Is it going to bother you that you have to explain things to them if I start bringing a girl around? Will they be ok with this?!" I was going on a rant and my brother just shook his head and turned to my nephew, "Hey buddy. Just so you know Aunt Holl wants to kiss girls!" He put down his grilled cheese so he could give me two thumbs up and with a smile shouted, "Cool!! Me too!" Then my niece joined in. "Me too," she laughed. We all burst into laughter and my brother put his arm around me and sarcastically quipped, "I think they'll survive."

The lightheartedness was cut short when my brother pointed out what I was worried about - that mom and dad probably won't be as cool with it. We spent the day discussing the best way to tell them and my brother and sister-in-law ensured me that they would have my back through it all. We decided that I should just get it over with and tell them tomorrow, that way maybe some of the potential awkwardness will be gone in time for Christmas.

After taking care of that, our conversation became more fun with my brother and sister in law asking me about whether I had anyone special in my life right now and what my type was. My brother told me that he is disappointed that I didn't tell him earlier so we could have checked out girls together. He winked as he said he of course couldn't do that anymore since he already had the most beautiful girl. "But can we please be your wingman and wing woman?" My brother giggled like a little school girl. I breathed a sigh of relief and realized that everything is going to be ok, at least with my brother and sister in law.

No matter what happens tomorrow, it feels good to know I have the support of some of my family.

With love,

Holly

Chapter 18: 12/12/16

Dear Santa,

I am a big baby. There were a few different times today that I just about told my parents and then I chickened out. Hopefully I have more luck tomorrow.

It was a good day though. I started out by making Christmas cookies with my mom. Then we took a walk around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights. We had a lot of fun together when she wasn't trying to badger me about the future, but it seems the older I get the more time we spend talking about that. Today it wasn't happening so I wanted to enjoy our time. That's why even when my mom gave me the perfect outlet and reminded me that I could tell her anything, I avoided the topic.

When my dad got home from work he asked if we wanted to go to the diner again. I told you my parents love that place. I agreed and was happy when I heard my brother's family was also coming. It makes me happy anytime we can have our whole family together.

After we arrived and sat down, I saw Jeff and Zoe having what seemed to be the same debate they had the other night - who had to wait on our table. It looked to me like Jeff won the battle when I saw Zoe walking over. I can't say I was disappointed, but I wondered why Jeff wanted to avoid me. Dinner was great and I could have sworn the Zoe was giving me more attention than anyone else. I figured I was imagining it until I got a text from my brother that said, "I thought you told us you don't have a girlfriend." When I looked up at him, he looked at Zoe then me and winked. I could feel myself blushing at the thought that Zoe actually could be showing interest in me, but hoped that my parents didn't notice. Luckily they didn't. They were too distracted by how much they were enjoying their conversation with Zoe. I started to wonder if they would still be this nice to her if she was someone I dated. Then I reminded myself that Zoe hasn't said more than "Can I take your order?" to me so I probably shouldn't fantasize about her officially meeting my parents.

At some point during the meal I texted Jeff because I was bothered that he seemed to avoid our table. This was our conversation:

Me: Did I do something wrong? Why do you and Zoe always battle over who has to take my table?

Jeff: Battle? You really think that is what we are doing? More like the love doctor coaching her before she comes over to you.

Me: Excuse me sir. Is my secret not a secret anymore? What happened to "your secret is safe with me"?

Jeff: I didn't exactly tell her. I just said that I have very good reason to believe that there is a high possibly you could find her attractive.

Me: 1) I never told you I find her attractive. 2) You really suck at keeping important secrets 3) Even if Zoe is gay, she would NEVER find me attractive.

Jeff: 1) You didn't have to. Those eyes say it all. 2) You'll thank me later 3) Are you blind woman?

I started laughing out loud at this response and had to lie to my parents that it was Sophia that I was texting. Saying I was texting the boy working at the diner would have brought up way too many questions.

That is when dinner became exceptionally awkward. I had been so zoned out that I didn't realize that the conversation had shifted to Jeff. My mom was asking Zoe if "the cute waiter" was single and informed Zoe that I am apparently looking for my "knight in shining armor." I could tell Zoe felt uncomfortable as she awkwardly giggled and said she wasn't sure. I could feel my face turning red all over again, but not in a good way this time. I was hoping my brother would back me up, but even he seemed lost for words at this conversation. Luckily my dad doesn't like boy talk when it comes to his "baby girl" so he quickly changed the subject. It didn't matter how quickly it ended though. What my mom said can't be taken back. There is no way Zoe would ever show any interest in me now. I guess I have more important things to worry about now though.

The rest of the night after dinner was spent locked in my room again. I feel bad being so distant, but I don't know how to act right now. I know I have to tell my parents tomorrow. This can't go on any longer.

Hoping for the best,

Holly

Chapter 19: 12/13/16

Dear Santa,

Remember my letter about two weeks ago when I said it was one of the worst days of my life? I was wrong. Today wins by far. I'm so emotionally drained right now that it's hard for me to even form words.

As you've probably already guessed, I came out to my parents today. Let me start from the beginning. I woke up this morning and felt a pull to do it. For some reason, I thought it would be a good idea to do it over breakfast right before my dad left for work. That way, I would only have to deal with one parent today if it turned out badly. I stared at my pancakes and quickly mumbled, "Mom. Dad. I need to tell you something." They both looked at me and I knew it was time. I had a whole speech written out in my head, but the only thing I could get out was "I'm gay."

My mom looked at me in shock and stated matter-of-factly "No you're not." I could see my dad's face turning increasingly more red by the second. "Why would you say something like that?!" He shouted. This is when I went into my pre-made speech about how I always knew and tried to change it, but recently realized I can't.

"You could change this," my mom said, "You just haven't had the right help." By this time, I could barely breathe because I was crying so hard. All I could do was keep saying that I was sorry. My dad didn't say anything. He just sat there with tears running down his face. There is nothing worse than seeing a grown man cry and I felt awful that it was my fault.

After a few minutes, he stood up, grabbed his briefcase, and shouted "You deal with this" at my mom and then left the house slamming the door behind him. My mom stayed surprisingly calm during all of this and then stated, "Now how can I help you overcome this? I love you and we will make this go away together." I know she meant well, but hearing her say this just made me feel angry. I told her I couldn't talk to her and went into my room. I sat in there for hours and my mom never once tried to talk to me. The silence was terrible and I almost would have rather had yelling.

I texted my brother during this time to tell him what was going on. He told me that he would come over right when he got off work to try to talk to my parents.

Around 2:00, I finally left my room and found that my mom had a bunch of articles about "praying the gay away" printed out and sitting on the kitchen counter. I cringed looking at them and thinking about all the self hatred I felt in the past as I tried to do just that. My mom soon walked out and said, "Good I see you're finally ready to talk about getting help." I told her to sit down and explained to her that it wasn't going to happen. I had tried to change myself and it didn't work. This is who I am and this is who I am meant to be and I'm not willing to change that. I think at this point she realized she was fighting a losing battle and she started to cry. She told me she didn't understand why I would make this choice and that I had shattered all her dreams. I didn't know what to say. We just sat there and cried together. My mom eventually stood up and walked back to her room. Now was the time for her to lock herself away.

At 5:30, my brother arrived at our house ready to battle it out with my parents. He coaxed my mom out to the kitchen then sat her down. He explained to her that there was nothing wrong with being gay, I was still the same person, and that he knows that I would not choose this if it was a choice. My mom seemed to stay fairly calm while talking to him, which normally isn't the affect that my brother has on my parents. She explained her concerns and told him that she didn't know where she failed as my mother. I stepped in at this point and reassured her that it had nothing to do with her role as my mother. This would have happened whether she was the perfect mom or the worst mom, and then I reassured her that she was indeed the best. She didn't seem to believe this though so I decided to let it be for now. Then my mom looked at my brother and said, "But what if she goes to Hell for her decisions?" My brother laughed at this and made fun of my mom for suddenly being a devout Christian. Then he said that IF there is a big guy in the sky (something he says to piss my parents off), he's sure that He would accept someone as amazing as me. My mom nodded her head and actually seemed to finally agree with what was being said. She then informed us that she had enough of this talk and needed to go to bed for the night. Please realize that at this point it was only 7:00 and my mom hadn't even eaten.

As she walked off, she informed us, "Oh by the way, your father can't bear to come home tonight so he is staying at the office. You're on your own for dinner. I don't have an appetite."

My brother looked over at me and saw the pain in my eyes so he shouted toward my mom, "You know mom, it doesn't matter how you and dad decide to handle this information because it won't change anything for me. I love Holly and I will support her no matter what. If you can't do that for her, then she will at least always have my family." My mom surprisingly seemed to smile at this a little. I think it made her happy to see how much my brother cares about me, even if she is not willing to admit it now. She didn't say anything though. She just turned around and kept walking to her room.

"I'm sorry they suck Holls," my brother comforted me, "but I meant what I said. I will always be your number one fan and I will be here in any way you need me. Don't let them get you down. You are perfect the way you are." I have never felt more love for my brother than I did at this moment.

I told him that I would be alright and I was actually going to go to bed too, so he gave me a hug and headed out. Of course, it is now 11:30 and I still haven't fallen asleep. I have been laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, and wondering what it will be like in the morning.

Wishing for better days,

Holly

Chapter 20: 12/14/16

Dear Santa,

I guess it's technically Thursday since it's past midnight, but since I haven't slept I'm still considering it Wednesday. Today started out promising. I thought things were going to take a turn for the better, but now things are actually worse. Let me fill you in.

I woke up to a text from my dad apologizing for how he acted yesterday. He told me that my news was a shock, but we should have tried to work it out as a family rather than him trying to avoid the situation. He then informed me that he would be home around 2:00 and we would talk things out at this point.

When I left my room, my mom was in the kitchen drinking her morning coffee. She wasn't crying anymore, but had big bags under her eyes. I felt terrible for what I was doing to her. I gave her a stiff hug and sat down beside her. She didn't look me in the eye but she did talk to me. "I talked to your father and we are going to figure this out as a family. I don't want you to be hurt Holly and I will try to listen to you. But please also listen to me when I tell you not to give up on all guys just yet. There could still be the perfect one out there for you." I cringed at this, but didn't say anything. I was just happy that she was talking to me and wasn't crying. Then she smiled and asked if I wanted to help her get the rest of our Christmas decorations up.

We spent the rest of the day listening to Christmas music and turning our house into a winter wonderland. At some points, we both seemed to forget what was going on and just enjoyed this time together. I think that is part of the magic of Christmas. No matter how bad things are, it's hard to be sad when you are surrounded by the Christmas spirit. Around 5:00, my brother called and told us him and my dad decided we should get together as a family. They decided that we should start the night with dinner at the diner to lighten the mood and then we would talk about what was going on. This all seemed promising and I was happy that my family seemed to want to work through this together. I just hoped "working through it" didn't actually mean my parents trying to change me.

By 6:30, we were all piled into my parents van headed to the diner. We had a nice light conversation and it was almost hard to tell that there was anything out of the ordinary going on. When we arrived, I saw that both Zoe and Jeff were working again. I started to worry that there were bags under my eyes from crying so much recently and hoped I did a good enough job with my make up to cover it up. It didn't matter too much though because Jeff ended up being our waiter anyway. He texted me after taking our order and said, "Sorry. Zoe has too many tables already. You have to deal with me tonight. Hope this means that things are going better with your parents." I had sent Jeff a short text yesterday telling him that I had come out and it didn't go well, but I hadn't given him anymore details.

Dinner seemed to be going very well, until we were just about to get the check. I was going into a food coma and started to daydream. In my head, I was wishing I had gotten the chance to talk to Zoe tonight and thinking about how pretty she looked. I didn't realize that I had been staring at her, until I caught my mom watching me. It looked like she realized what I was doing and she didn't look happy about it. She kept her composure though and gave me a slight smile when I looked back at her. But when Jeff walked back up to the table to drop off the check, my worries were confirmed. My mom started, "Hey Jeff you are a very nice, handsome boy. Did you know that my daughter Holly is single?" She smiled and gave him a wink, but she was the only one who looked happy at this moment. My sister in law looked shocked, my dad just stared down at the table, and my brother looked like he was going to flip out at any moment. Jeff turned bright red and I could tell he had no idea how he was supposed to respond to this. My brother threw enough cash at him to cover the bill and a very generous tip and said, "Thanks for the great service tonight. We need to leave." He scooted everyone out and quickly put on my niece and nephew's coats. The car ride home was completely silent. My niece and nephew had quickly fallen asleep and no one else dared to talk. It was the longest car ride of my life and about halfway home I started to quietly cry to myself. When we pulled in the driveway, my brother told my sister in law to take the kids home and asked me if I would go to my room for a bit. As soon as my door shut, I heard the screaming start. I couldn't catch everything, but what I did hear broke my heart. At one point I heard my mom say the words "not normal" and I also heard my dad screaming at her about how it was all her fault. It broke my heart to hear my family fighting like this. It hurt even more knowing that it was all my fault. Finally, I heard a few doors slam, then my brother forcefully opened mine. His face was bright red and I saw an anger in his eyes that I've never seen before. He grabbed my keys that were sitting by the door and shouted, "Get your stuff Holly! You're not staying here with those people." I felt a pang of sadness again hearing him refer to our mom and dad as "those people" and wondered if this was going to tear my family apart.

He grabbed my bag that I had packed and sprinted out the door. Then he hopped in the driver's side and started my car. He put one hand on the steering wheel and took my hand with the other. At this point, he had cooled off a bit. "I'm sorry if you heard any of that," he said, "But I think it's best if you stay with us until mom and dad come around." I started to cry, "But what if they don't?" I asked. My brother reassured me that he didn't think that would happen, but if it did, I would always have him.

When we got to his house, I asked him if he would mind if I went to visit some friends. He looked worried but told me that of course it was ok and just to be careful.

I pulled up the the diner around 10:30. I knew it closed at 11 so I hesitated about what to do and decided to text Jeff and ask. Within a minute, he was standing at the door motioning for me to come in. I noticed that there were no other customers left in there at this point as Jeff directed me toward the bar. He sat on one side of me and motioned for Zoe to sit on the other side. I started telling them about everything that happened tonight, but couldn't finish because I was crying too hard. At this point, the cook for the night brought me a glass of water and then headed into the back to give us space. I took a sip then laid my head in my hands to avoid talking anymore. I felt a strong hand on my shoulder and knew it was Jeff showing his support. Then I felt someone rubbing my back and could tell by the gentle nature, and the chills that it sent up my spine, that it was Zoe. If this was any other time, I probably would have been excited that she was giving me so much attention, but I was too upset to care tonight.

When I finally lifted my head, Jeff said, "Hey, what do you say the three of us take a walk and look at Christmas lights? You can talk about it if you want to and if not, we'll just enjoy the views." I agreed so the two of them finished closing up the diner and then we headed out. It was freezing outside, but it felt nice to feel the cool breeze on my face. I explained my worries about tearing apart my family, especially around the holidays, and they both assured me that wasn't going to happen. Jeff told me his parents were very accepting of his brother from the beginning, but everything that happened ended up bringing them all closer. Zoe shared about the struggle she had with her family. It turned out that she was outed by her so called best friend in 10th grade. Like most people, she always had the feeling that she was gay, but by 10th grade was finally ok with it. She decided to tell her best friend, who had a surprisingly terrible reaction. Her friend called her parents to inform them and when they asked her, she decided to be honest with them. She told me that her mom came around a few months later, but her dad didn't acknowledge her sexuality until her freshman year of college when she had them meet her first girlfriend. She explained that now they are the most supportive people in her life and she truly believed that it could happen with my parents too.

After walking for about an hour, Jeff informed us that he has a final at 8am. "Shit!" I shouted, "Why aren't you back at your place studying or sleeping." He gave me a sheepish smile and said that the final shouldn't be too hard, but he probably should head back. We walked back to the diner with him and he gave me a big hug before getting in his car. He told Zoe to make sure I didn't leave until I seemed calm enough to drive safely. Then he motioned her down to his level where he was sitting in the car, whispered something in her ear, and Zoe just smiled and shook her head. Jeff winked at me, then drove away. At this point, it hit me that Zoe probably had finals to be studying for also, but when I questioned her she told me that she actually only had two this semester and they were on Monday and Tuesday. She asked if I wanted to wait in the diner with her while both of our cars warmed up and I agreed. I learned that she has a brother named Luke and sister named Emma who are twins and a year younger than her. They both also go to Dawkins. Her sister is also majoring in elementary education and her brother is pre-med. After a half hour of talking, we decided that we should both head home. We exchanged numbers so I could let her know that I made it safely and then she gave me a quick hug goodbye.

It's too bad that it was such an emotional day or else I would probably be excited that I now have Zoe's number. But after seeing me cry all night, I'm not sure how attractive she would find me anymore. I'm just happy to have another friend in the area to talk to. It's nice to have people who understand what I'm going through.

Well, I'm all set up in my brother and sister in law's guest room so I'm going to try to get some sleep.

Sorry for the long letter,

Holly

Chapter 21: 12/15/16

Dear Santa,

I woke up around 11 today hoping the last few days were just a bad dream, but quickly realized I was at my brother and sister in law's. I walked out of the guest room to find an empty house. My brother had written a note explaining that my nephew and niece were at preschool and daycare and him and my sister in law were working. He said to make myself at home and that my sister in law would be back with the kids around 2. My sister in law does real estate part time. She cut back once she had kids. Right now she only works on Tuesday and Thursday mornings when my nephew has school and sometimes on the weekends. My brother does advertising for a bunch of local businesses.

But anyway, realizing I had a few hours to myself I turned on the television and pulled out my phone. I had some texts from Sophia (who I had briefly texted about my parents) and one from Jeff, but the text that caught my attention was from Zoe. She wrote, "I hope you are doing alright today. Let me know if you need to talk. I'm glad we were able to get to know each other last night, but wish it had been under better circumstances." Just reading that text caused butterflies, but I pushed the feelings aside because any chance I had was ruined last night. I sent her back a thank you text then decided to call Sophia. I explained to her everything that happened with my parents and she told me how sorry she was. I asked her not to mention it to our other friends because I didn't feel ready to talk about it yet. She promised and then told me to text or call her whenever I need anything.

I ate some lunch then ended up falling asleep on the couch. I was woken up around 2:30 to my nephew jumping on me and shouting. I grabbed him and gave him a bunch of kisses then laughed as he scurried away. My sister in law looked concerned and asked how I was holding up. I told her that I was doing alright considering everything that had happened. We stopped the conversation there because we didn't want to talk about it in front of my niece and nephew. The rest of the afternoon was spent baking Christmas cookies and dancing around to Christmas music.

Spending time with my niece and nephew helped to keep my mind off of my parents, but every once and awhile I would look at my phone and get sad all over again when I realized they hadn't called or texted. During dinner, I asked my brother if he thought I should reach out to my parents. He told me that was their responsibility and that he thought they just needed some time to work things out on their own. I agreed that this was a good plan, but felt really sad that I was missing out on time with my parents, especially around Christmas.

As we were taking the last few bites of our dinner, my phone started to ring. All of us froze wondering if it was my parents calling. I looked at my phone and saw that it was actually Zoe calling. I felt a smile forming on my face and quickly ran to the guest room with my phone. I answered right before it was about to go to voicemail and Zoe asked me how I was doing. I explained my feelings about not hearing from my parents, but told her that my day was actually alright. She said she was glad to hear that and then a silence fell over the phone. It seemed to be forever until Zoe finally spoke again. "So umm... I was wondering something," she cutely fumbled over her words, "If you don't have plans tomorrow night, would you want to go ice skating with me? There is a really cute outdoor rink close to my house. I know we don't know each other very well, and there are probably other people you would rather be with, but I just thought maybe it would help keep your mind off of things." The butterflies started all over again as I told her that I would love to. She said that she would text me the address and we could meet there around 6:00 if that was ok. I agreed and felt like I was floating as I made my way back to the kitchen.

I had forgotten that my brother and sister in law still didn't know who had called, until I walked into the kitchen and noticed them staring at me intently. "Oh sorry, that wasn't mom and dad," I informed them. My brother must have noticed the goofy smile on my face because he raised his eyebrow and questioned, "So who was that on the phone?" I told him it was Zoe from the diner and he lit up like a Christmas tree (I figure that's a good analogy for you). I let him know that there was no reason for him to be excited because she was just asking me as a friend, but I wasn't sure I truly believed that. Was she just being nice? It could be the case. She saw how sad I was last night and seems like a genuinely caring person. Maybe she really does just want to help cheer me up. Or maybe it is exactly what I'm hoping it is - a date.

Now I have so much to think about. What should I wear? Should I work really hard on my hair and make up or keep it simple? How do I greet her? Is there a certain way I should act? I've gone on thousands of first dates with guys, but this really feels like the first time I'm going on a real first date... that is, if this is a date.

I have so much to learn! I need to stop writing this letter and focus on tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Holly

Chapter 22: 12/16/16

Dear Santa,

I never knew that it was possible to feel so happy yet so sad at the same time, but that is how I feel right now. I'll start with the sad part so I can end this note positively.

My parents still haven't spoken to me. I normally don't go a day without talking to my parents, even when I'm away at school. We always make it a point to at least text each other, but normally call. Now I am within 10 minutes of them and haven't heard one thing in over 48 hours. I even broke down and sent them an "I miss you...I'm sorry" text to which I got no reply. I'm sure my brother wouldn't be happy if he knew I sent that, but I couldn't stand not trying. I hate to think that I disappointed my parents. No matter how many good things happened today, there was still a pit in my stomach from what was happening with my parents. But I would rather not think about that right now. I want to focus on the amazing night I had.

I arrived at the ice skating rink at 6:15 and was surprised to see that Zoe was already there. I saw her from afar so I had a chance to study her before she noticed me. She was wearing tight blue jeans and a green sweater that matched her eyes. She was wearing a white beanie, but I could see that she had put some loose curls in her hair. She had a sweet smile on her face, but was pulling on her sweater like she was nervous. Her actions were making me hopeful that this really might be a date. I worked up the courage and yelled her name to get her attention. She looked at me and that sweet smile grew. I could have melted right there. I found it both scary and exciting that one smile could cause me to feel more than I have in years. Zoe told me she bought us tickets for an hour on the ice and then we could decide if we wanted to keep skating or do something else.

When we started skating, it quickly became apparent that Zoe was a lot more experienced than me. She gracefully glided along the ice while I looked like a toddler just learning to walk. We both laughed as I struggled to stay on my feet. About 3 laps in, I felt like I was finally getting the hang of it. I must have gotten too confident because suddenly I felt my feet going out from under me. I started to brace myself for a hard fall on the ice when I felt two arms catch me. I glanced up and was looking right into Zoe's eyes. It had been a really long time since I had a moment where I felt compelled to kiss someone, but this was definitely one of those moments. As she smiled down at me, I couldn't help but think about how beautiful she looked. I felt like this was a moment that would be ingrained in my memory forever. But it was not going to be the moment I got my first kiss with Zoe. I quickly composed myself and stood up, suddenly embarrassed by what had just happened. Zoe just kept smiling. "You ok?" She laughed. I told her that I was fine, aside from my pride, and we continued skating.

When the hour was up, I was more than ready to stop skating. My legs felt like I had been climbing mountains for a whole day. I made a mental note that maybe I should get in better shape. I think Zoe could tell that I had enough because she suggested that we stop.

The place we were skating was some type of "Christmas village" so Zoe asked if I wanted to do the walk through Christmas light display next. I agreed before realizing that it was a 3 mile walk that was going to cause my already burning legs to burn even more. I am glad I agreed though because it was amazing. The lights were beautiful, but that's not what made it so great. Zoe and I spent the whole walk learning more about each other. We talked about our interests and our friends and family. I found out that her mom is a teacher and her dad is a family doctor. That's what inspired her and her siblings to choose the careers they did. I started to tell her about my family, but it was too hard to talk about my parents. She reassured me that they would come around and I prayed that she was right.

About a mile into the walk, I noticed that Zoe started fidgeting with her hands and she seemed to be looking at mine. I wondered if she was thinking about holding my hand and for a second I questioned how I felt about it. I had never held hands in public with a girl. Would people stare? Would it make anyone uncomfortable? I quickly decided that I didn't care. The thought of being closer to Zoe in any way made my heart beat faster. I let my hand fall to my side and had it gently graze against Zoe's. She must have caught on to what I was doing because she slowly intertwined her fingers with mine then gave me a shy smile. I know it sounds cheesy, but in this moment I finally understood what the fairytales and movies were talking about. It felt good to be so excited about a potential relationship. It also felt good to just hold hands in public. There is something that is so freeing about being comfortable enough with yourself to show this form of affection when others are around. It is such a simple gesture that many people take for granted, but to me it means so much.

The rest of our night was spent talking and looking at lights. Around 10, Zoe told me she had to work a double shift at work tomorrow so she better head home. When we got to her car, she gently squeezed my hand and said, "Thanks for an amazing night Holly. I hope it helped cheer you up." She then kissed me on the cheek before jumping in her car to leave. I stood there watching her car drive away in disbelief of the night I just had.

As soon as I got in my car though, reality hit me again. I remembered that I would be going back to my brother's. It's not that I disliked my brother's house. Under normal circumstances, I would probably rather be there instead of my parents, but it was the fact that I was forced to be there that upset me. But tonight proved to me that I made the right decision embracing my feelings. The way I felt tonight made everything I've been through and am going to go through worth it. It showed me the happiness I deserve. No matter where this relationship goes, at least Zoe has given me a glimpse at what I'm capable of feeling.

Well, I better go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be the day my parents come around. I hope so.

Thanks for everything,

Holly

Chapter 23: 12/17/16

Dear Santa,

There is one week until Christmas Eve and my parents still haven't spoken to me. I realize the big blow up just happened on Wednesday night, but I am still shocked that they have now gone through three whole days without even acknowledging me. What if it's suddenly like I don't exist to them and this lasts forever? If three days is tearing me apart, I can only imagine what it would do to me if I had to live my whole life like this.

I read somewhere that you need to forget how your parents treat you when you first come out to them. The article explained that you need to be understanding of how hard this may be for them and that they will need time to process it just like you did. That makes sense to me. I'm honestly not even mad at my parents for how they are acting. It took me 22 years to come to terms with being gay. I can't expect them to be ok with it over night. I just wish I knew what they were thinking right now. I also wish they knew how I was feeling. I want to express to them that I didn't just wake up one day and decide to be gay. I want them to fully understand the process I had to go to in order to get to the point that I'm at right now. I pray that I could show them how important this whole journey was to me. They need to understand that I didn't take it lightly and that it breaks my heart to do this to them. I know that they see this young woman who has made a decision and is too stubborn to allow them to "help." But that's not how it is. I'm not rebelling against them. I'm not trying to hurt them. I'm just trying to show them the part of me that has always been hidden away. I'm trying to share every piece of me with them. I know that they see it as me pulling away, but the reality is that this was me trying to bring them closer to me. This was my way of telling them that I trust them and love them and want an open and honest relationship with them. If only they could see it that way...

But enough of the depressing letter. Let's talk about happier news. I found out that the reason Zoe had to work a double shift today is because she begged Jeff to take her shift last night so she could ask me on a date. I'm glad Jeff can't keep secrets, because this one made me feel really special. Because of the double shift, I didn't get to talk to Zoe much today. She did send me a good morning text though. It read, "Good morning girly! I hope you slept well. Thank you so much again for coming last night. I hope it isn't too forward of me to say that I hope last night was the first of many dates. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you better." I wanted to divulge all my feelings at that very moment, but decided it was best to keep it casual for now. So I told her that the pleasure was mine and I hoped I could plan the next date so I didn't embarrass myself again. The rest of the day we sent sporadic text messages to each, but nothing of too much substance. She did just send me a goodnight text as I'm writing this letter. Just when I think I couldn't like her anymore, she keeps impressing me and pulling me in. I probably sound crazy right now, but what can I say? I have a crush.

Sorry for the short note tonight, but my heart is so full of different emotions that I'm getting all mixed up. Trying to express myself right now is really difficult and I think I just need some sleep. You try to get some sleep too. I'm sure you have a busy week ahead of you.

Take care,

Holly

Chapter 24: 12/18/16

Dear Santa,

I decided to go to church this morning. I was nervous that my parents might be there, but really wanted to go. It felt good to be back. I have been avoiding church for awhile now because I was ashamed of myself and felt like I wasn't wanted there. Now I realize that is not true. I'm not particularly sure where my home church stands on the issue of being gay, but at this point it doesn't bother me either way. I am confident in my relationship with God and realize now that I don't need the acceptance of others.

After church, I went to lunch with my brother's family. No, we didn't go to the diner. Believe it or not, we will eat other places. We spent the rest of the day making cookies and watching Christmas movies. At one point, my nephew asked why my parents weren't there. To say it broke my heart would be an understatement. I actually had to leave the room because I started to cry. It seems so unfair that my niece and nephew are suffering because of who I am and my own issues with my parents. They deserve to spend time with their grandparents. I tried mentioning this to my brother. I offered to leave for awhile so they could come over, but he told me that they aren't allowed to be around his kids until they learn to treat me better. It's nice how protective my brother is being, but I wish he would let up on this a bit. I don't want anyone else to be affected by what is going on with my parents and I.

Enough sadness though. I bet you will never guess what I did today. I asked Zoe on a second date. Who would have thought that I would ever have the courage to do something like that? Jeff told me her work schedule, so I decided Tuesday afternoon would be best since she didn't work until the dinner shift. I was so nervous calling and almost hoped that she wouldn't answer. But after only two rings, I heard a sweet hello on the other end of the phone. "Hey Zoe," I said, "I was just wondering if you wanted to get together on Tuesday afternoon." She quickly said yes and asked what I had in mind. I told her it was a surprise and she should meet me at my brother's house and wear something warm. She sounded excited at the idea of a surprise. We ended up spending the next two hours talking on the phone. Even after two hours, I didn't feel ready to hang up. I'm starting to really fall for her. I know it sounds crazy, but maybe this is actually the gift I've been wishing for.

I am thinking about trying to talk to my parents tomorrow. I have to sleep on it.

Sweet Dreams,

Holly

Chapter 25: 12/19/16

Dear Santa,

I did not end up speaking to my parents directly today, but I did write them a letter. I went to their house when I knew they wouldn't be home and dropped it in the mailbox. Instead of writing you about my day, I'm just going to attach a copy of the note I wrote to my parents.

Dear mom and dad,

I miss you. These last few days have been very hard for me, but I don't regret coming out to you. I am glad that I shared this part of myself with you, even if it did cause drama. I hope you know that this hasn't been easy for me and I don't expect it to be easy for you either. I don't blame you for being upset. It took me my whole life to be comfortable with the person I am. I wouldn't expect you to be comfortable with it overnight.

There are just a few things I need you to know. This is who I am. That isn't going to change. I have accepted myself and I now love this part of myself. I wouldn't have come out to you if I wasn't at this point. Nothing can be done to change it. I am still the same person I was 5 days ago, 5 months ago, and 5 years ago. Nothing has changed. I am still your little girl and I still have the same goals and dreams for my life. I am now just being true to myself. This isn't something that you did. I don't want you to think that you failed as a mother and father and made me this way. Nothing you did or didn't do could have changed this. This is who I was made to be.

Just remember that I did not tell you this to hurt you. I told you because I didn't want want to hide any part of myself from you. This is a big piece of me and I wanted you to know about it. I want this to make our relationship stronger, not ruin it.

It's killing me that you both are not talking to me. I worry that our relationship is ruined or that you may never talk to me again. I'm not sure how I could possibly get through this life if I didn't have you guys. Please don't let this ruin the amazing relationship we have always had. We have such a special family and I pray that it stays that way.

I'm begging you to talk to me. This is my final attempt at reaching out. The rest is up to you. Please don't ever forget how much I love you.

Holly

I hope this letter is good enough to show them how I am feeling. I'm nervous I will give it to them and still not hear back. I meant what I said in the letter - I don't think I could get through life without them. My brother and sister In law are amazing and so far things with Zoe are terrific, but I need my parents. I hope things get sorted out this week. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without them.

In other news, we are supposed to be getting snow tomorrow. I really hope that doesn't ruin my date with Zoe. She said that she would come no matter what, but I would worry about her driving if the roads were bad. I'm keep my fingers crossed that we still get to have our date.

That's all for now. Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it.

Holly

Chapter 26: 12/20/16

Dear Santa,

Even though I didn't hear from my parents, it was still the perfect day. Zoe arrived at my brother's house at 11. I planned it out so no one would be there when she arrived. I worried about what my brother would do to embarrass me. By the time she got there, the snow had started to come down pretty hard. We hopped right in my car and I drove to our destination. I took her to a park just a few blocks from my brother's house. I had packed a picnic basket with two thermoses full of hot chocolate, sandwiches, and chips. When Zoe figured out what we were doing, she squealed with joy. We set up a blanket (that didn't really do anything since the ground was covered in snow), then spent the next hour eating and talking. I realized that Zoe was shivering so I grabbed an extra blanket from my car and wrapped it around the two of us. Zoe put her hand behind my back and rested her head on my shoulder as she watched the snow fall down. Just being close to her sent a shiver down my spine and the urge to kiss her grew inside of me. I didn't do it though. I know it sounds silly, but I wanted to take my time. When I dated guys, I never felt the need to wait for a first kiss. I never actually wanted to kiss them, but it just seemed like the thing to do so it normally happened before we even had an official first date (if it got that far). But sitting here with Zoe felt different. As much as I wanted to kiss her, I also wanted it to be perfect. Instead I found myself muttering the words, "I really really like you Zoe." I couldn't believe that those words were coming out of my mouth and felt embarrassed to be talking like that on our second date. Luckily, she looked up at me and said with a smile, "I really like you too Holly, like more than I can even express right now." Again, she caused me to melt with just words. It's funny how hard I tried to make myself feel anything with guys and Zoe says one thing and I feel it throughout my whole body.

Things then got more playful as we had snow ball fights, made snow angels, and just ran around in the snow like little kids. It was so childish and so simple, yet one of the best days of my life.

Unfortunately, around 3 we decided to head back toward my brother's since Zoe's shift started at 5 and we didn't know how long it would take to drive in the snow. On the car ride, I told her about the note that I wrote to my parents. I felt tears forming in my eyes as I spoke about it and regretted bringing it up. It was only our second date and Zoe had now seen me cry twice. She was great about it though. She held my hand and said all the right things. I was surprised by what she asked me next. "Listen Holly," she said, "I don't want to be a total uhaul lesbian here, but I just think it would be good for you to see that parents can change. Would you want to come over to my parent's house for dinner tomorrow? I know it's fast, but I just think it might be what you need right now." My heart started racing just thinking about meeting her family. I wanted to make a good impression so badly and worried about being able to do that without preparing myself more. There was no way that I was going to say no to Zoe though. I would take any excuse to spend more time with her. "Of course. I would love to," I smiled. She smiled back and squeezed my hand.

I said goodbye to Zoe with a hug and quick kiss on the cheek and then told her to please drive carefully. She promised she would and jumped into her car. I watched her smile at me through the rear view mirror as she drove away.

She texted me about 45 minutes later to tell me that she made it safely and to thank me again for such a good day. As I was reading the text, my brother and sister in law walked in with the kids. My brother happened to be getting home from work at the same time that they were arriving home from Christmas shopping.

My brother took one look at me and joked, "Wow someone had a good day today." I told him about my date with Zoe and how she had invited me to dinner with her family tomorrow. He teased me about being the "stereotypical lesbian" for moving so fast and asked when we would be moving in together. At this point, my sister-in-law reminded him that he actually brought her to my parent's house for their first date. My brother laughed and said, "That's true. So what are you waiting for? When do I get to officially meet this girl?" I was about to remind him that it is our Christmas Eve tradition to go to the diner and that she would be working that night, but then realized I didn't know what would happen. If my parents didn't come around, would there even be a Christmas this year? My brother must have seen it in my face because he quickly reassured me, "Don't worry Holls. We will do the diner on Christmas Eve no matter what."

The rest of my day was a blur. I felt like I was floating. Now I need to go to bed. Tomorrow is a huge day for me.

Wish me luck,

Holly

Chapter 27: 12/21/16

Dear Santa,

Tonight went better than I could have even expected! Most of my day was spent mentally preparing myself for the night ahead of me. I knew that I should probably bring a gift along with me for her parents, but wasn't sure what that should be. Zoe didn't help as she told me not to bring anything. I decided to bring flowers and a bottle of wine. I hoped this wasn't overkill, but I didn't want to show up without anything.

I got to the house at 5:30. I had decided to wear a sweater dress with tights and boots. I knew it was probably overdressed for a family dinner, but I wanted to make a good first impression. When I knocked at the door, I was happy to see that Zoe was the one to answer. She gave me a once over and said, "Wow, you look beautiful." It kind of surprised me to hear her say this so boldly when most of her family was within ear shot, but it certainly made me happy.

The first person I met was her sister, Emma. She was standing right beside Zoe when she opened the door. Emma welcomed me with a big hug and said, "It's so great to meet you! I've been hearing about you ever since you went to the diner about a month ago. I honestly feel like I'm meeting a celebrity." I noticed Zoe's face turning bright red as she glared at her sister. "Just ignore her," she said, "She would say anything to embarrass me." I let out a little giggle and winked at Emma. It made me feel so special that Zoe had noticed me so long ago, even if Emma was blowing the story out of proportion just to embarrass her.

The next in line was Zoe's brother, Luke. He had walked up while I was meeting Emma. He seemed a bit more serious than Emma as he put out his hand to shake mine and told me it was very nice to meet me. I told him how neat I thought it was that he was going to be a doctor just like his dad. This comment seemed to make him happy as he smiled a little smile that reminded me a lot of Zoe's.

By this point, her mom and dad were walking out of the kitchen. Her mom pulled me into a large embrace and told me how happy she was to have me there. Her dad gave me a smile and wink and told me it was very nice to meet me. At this point Zoe stepped in. "Ok people... could we just let her breathe for a second? She hasn't even taken her coat off yet." I realized that I was still holding the flowers and wine so I offered them to her mom who accepted with a big smile.

Dinner wasn't going to be ready for another half hour so Zoe took me on a tour of her house. It was a big house, but very modest. It was nice without being perfect, which made it feel more like home. Zoe's room was bright pink, but most of the walls were covered with pictures of friends and family. "I know, I know," She explained, "This is the color I begged for when I was little and when I got older my parents said I would have to paint it myself if I wanted something different. I never felt like it was worth my time so I left it like this." I smiled and told her that I thought it was perfect. Honestly, at this point, I would probably think that anything involving Zoe was perfect.

After the tour, we sat down to watch tv with her siblings until dinner was ready. Her mom had prepared a meal that looked like Christmas dinner complete with turkey, ham, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob. "Don't let her fool you," her brother joked, "She only cooked like this because we have a guest. We will probably end up eating at Zoe's diner on Christmas Eve and ordering Chinese food on Christmas." We all laughed and I told her how much I appreciated the meal. The dinner discussion was very lighthearted and I quickly stopped feeling so nervous.

After dinner, I offered to help clear the table and do the dishes and her mom accepted. She sent her children (even Zoe) and their dad out of the room. When they had all left, she turned to me and said, "Oh honey, you don't really need to help. I just wanted a chance to talk to you." She told me that Zoe had informed her about what was going on with my parents and she wanted to see how I was doing. I tried to hold back my tears as I told her how hard it has been, especially so close to the holidays. "Take it from me," she comforted, "I know how your parents are feeling right now. But after talking to Zoe a lot these past few years, I now realize how you are feeling too. It isn't an easy situation for anyone. Your parents are shocked. They can only see things from their perspective right now and that's ok. It just takes time for them to start looking at it from your side too. I'm not saying it is right or wrong, but that's the way it seems to be with a lot of parents. We didn't grow up in the same time as you kids. You guys accept everyone. We were raised to see certain people as less than us just because they are different. We were made to believe that bad parents have gay children. Now I realize that isn't true. You are who you are and that is a beautiful thing. I really think your parents will realize that too. I am praying that they do. You just keep the faith, ok?" I couldn't stop a few tears from running down my face and her mom embraced me again. At this point, Zoe walked in, gave her mom an appreciative smile, and asked if I wanted to stay to watch a Christmas movie with them. I agreed and we all sat down in their living room. I sat at the end of the couch beside Zoe and her sister. At one point, Zoe scooted in close to me, wrapped her arm with mine, and put her head on my shoulder. I was worried how this would go over with her family, but everyone just continued watching the movie. I could barely pay attention to the movie because I was so enthralled with what was happening around me. Here I was, sitting with the girl I was falling for who is clearly falling for me too, watching a movie with her All-American traditional family, and it was exactly how it would be if we were a straight couple. No one reacted or gave us strange looks. This was the norm in this house and it made me feel more at home than I have felt in a really long time. As I sat there, I prayed that this is how my family would be some day.

After the movie, Zoe walked me out to my car and gave me a long hug. I told her how much the night meant to me and squeezed her hand before hopping in my car. As I drove home, I continued to pray that what Zoe's mom said was true and that my parents would come around.

Now, as I lay in bed, I'm going to say one more prayer. But instead of praying for things to change, I'm going to thank God for showing me that they will.

Here's to keeping the faith!

Holly

Chapter 28: 12/22/16

Dear Santa,

I guess it's true what they say. Miracles can happen if you have a little faith. I woke up at 9 today with a text from my mom asking if I would be willing to come home and talk to them. I could feel my heart beating in my chest as I drove to their house. I had no idea what to expect and was worried and hopeful all at the same time. When I walked in, both my mom and dad greeted me at the door. They took me in their arms and told me how sorry they were. Then they asked me to have a seat at the kitchen table.

"Please know how much we have missed you over this past week," my mom began, "And we are not mad at you. We had a lot to think through and didn't want to say anything we would regret. I feel terrible about how I acted at the diner and about some of the things I said to your brother. I don't blame him for taking you to his house. We don't understand this whole gay thing. I am not sure if we ever will. I'm not saying that we won't, but right now it is still a very confusing issue for us. But you are our daughter. We will always love you and we accept you. We may not agree with everything you do, but that will never change our love for you. We will always be your biggest fans and your best support. Whether we agree with you or not, we will not ever let anyone else hurt you. We are scared of what might be in your future, but we promise to fight for you rather than with you. Again, this doesn't mean that we are totally on board with you being gay, but we are willing to do whatever it takes to maintain our relationship with you, even if that means accepting something we don't understand."

For the first time in a week I began crying tears of joy. I didn't need my parents to understand every part of my life. All I want is to know that I am loved and that I have a place to call home. I'm still hopeful that with time they will come around even more and maybe someday they will even be like Zoe's parents. But for now, I am grateful for what I have. It's funny how quickly I let go of the hurt they had caused me this past week and embraced this change. I realized it wasn't worth holding onto those painful feelings and that I needed to focus on the positivity of this current day.

I told my parents that I would like to talk through this with them more in the future, but I felt like we all had an emotional week and deserved to just focus on the happiness of the holiday. My dad seemed to breathe a sigh of relief when I said this and they both quickly agreed.

The rest of the day went about as well as you could expect given everything that had happened recently. I went Christmas shopping with my mom then had dinner with both her and my dad. I decided to go back to my brother's house for the night. I told them that it was because I had all of my stuff there, but I think we all knew that there was still a little bit of uncomfortable tension. I thought that we could all use some breathing room after our talk today.

I'm very happy about how today went and I hope that I don't wake up tomorrow to find this was a dream.

Sincerely,

Holly

Chapter 29: 12/23/16

Dear Santa,

I am happy to report that yesterday was not a dream. I woke up this morning to my niece and nephew jumping on me to tell me that grandma and grandpa were at the house. It turns out they offered to watch the kids so my brother and sister in law could do last minute shopping. Of course, it wasn't necessary for them to watch the kids while I was there with them, but I know it is their way of trying to make things right with both my brother and I. I walked out to my dad making bacon and eggs and decided I was ok with them sucking up if I got food out of it. My dad handed me a plate and we all made small talk while we ate.

The next few hours were spent playing games with my nieces and nephews. The interaction was more comfortable than yesterday, but there was still some awkwardness. When my brother and sister in law came home later in the day, I told my family that I was going to go out to finish up Christmas shopping for all of them. The truth was that I wanted to call Zoe before she went to work and wasn't comfortable doing that around my parents. Zoe picked up on the first ring and immediately told me how happy she was to hear from me. We had just talked last night after I left my parent's house, but it felt good to have someone so interested in me. I updated her on how things were going with my parents and she told me how happy she was for me. By the tone of her voice, I could tell that she sincerely meant it. Talking to her made me miss her. My feelings were shocking to me. A week ago I barely knew anything about this girl and now it was hard to go a day without seeing her.

"So would you think that I was crazy if I told you that I kind of miss you already?" I questioned. I could tell she was smiling as she said, "I was just thinking the exact same thing." That's when an idea popped in my head. "Hey, any chance you could get to work like a half hour early? I know that's only about 45 minutes from now, but I thought maybe we could just take a walk before you need to start." She quickly agreed and I turned my car in the direction of the diner. I waited in my car for her to arrive and was excited to see her car finally pull in the parking lot. I walked over to her car and opened the door for her. She immediately pulled me in for a hug and then took my hand.

We walked the same path we had taken when I had gone to the diner after the fight with my parents. It's crazy to think how different I felt this time around. I had a hard time focusing on our conversation as we walked because all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss her. When we were almost back at the diner, I decided that I was just going to do it. I looked at her, studied her face and lips, and then blurted out, "I can't thank you enough for all you've done for me." I noticed that she had been staring at my lips too and looked a little disappointed at my cop out. She masked her disappointment quickly though and told me that there is no need to thank her and that she should be thanking me for allowing her to get to know me.

I walked the rest of the way to the parking lot silently scolding myself for not kissing her. I'm 22 years old. It's not like I've never kissed someone. Like I said before, I had no problem kissing guys. I just felt like so much had let up to the point I was at now and I didn't want to mess it up. This would be the first time I kiss someone that I truly care about and don't hate myself for doing it. I wanted it to be perfect. I think Zoe could tell that I was beating myself up because when we got back to my car she pulled me in tight and whispered, "This little bit of time together was perfect. Thank you."

When I got back to my brother's house, I realized my parent's car was still there and tried to hide the big grin on my face before walking in. I didn't need them questioning what made me so happy about Christmas shopping. When I walked in my dad informed me that they had ordered pizza and thought we could do a family game night. It had been a long time since we did that and I was excited to do an old tradition with my family. Things were starting to feel normal again.

After a night full of games and pizza, my parents asked if I wanted to come back home and I agreed. It feels good to be laying in my own bed right now - for many reasons. I think this could end up being a great Christmas after all. I'll let you go. You have a busy day tomorrow!

Thanks for always listening,

Holly

Chapter 30: 12/24/16

Dear Santa,

This was by far the greatest Christmas Eve ever. It's crazy to think that after everything that has happened, this holiday could end so well.

I woke up this morning to a text from Zoe that said, "Good morning and Merry Christmas Eve beautiful girl" and to the smell of my mom baking Christmas cookies. When I walked into the kitchen, my mom immediately threw me an apron and told me to join her. For the next two hours, we made Christmas cookies while watching a cheesy Christmas movie. We laughed together at the big mess we were making and things started to feel normal again. Around this time, my dad came home with lunch from our favorite little sandwich shop. I asked my parents what the plan was for the day and they said it would be our traditional Christmas Eve - head to my brother's house in a few hours, go to the diner for dinner, and then head back to my brother's house to do Christmas activities with the kids. I was really excited to hear that the diner was still part of our plans and immediately texted Zoe to let her know. She was very excited as well.

After lunch, we all got ready and then headed over to my brother's house. At this time, I exchanged gifts with my brother, sister in law, niece, and nephew. I got more and more anxious as it came closer to the time to go to the diner. At one point my mom mentioned, "I wonder if our usual waiter or waitress will be there tonight with it being Christmas Eve." Without thinking, I blurted out, "Jeff won't be. He is back home for Christmas now. Zoe is working though." My mom gave me a questioning look as soon as I answered and I worried that I may have just made things awkward again. I lied and said that I had spent a lot of time at the diner this past week when my brother's family wasn't home and had become friends with Jeff and Zoe in that time. My mom raised an eyebrow at me, but then just smiled and said, "That's nice honey." I wasn't sure if she believed my story or just chose to leave it alone, but either way I was thankful. This isn't a conversation I wanted to have on Christmas Eve.

Before I knew it, it was time to go to the diner. We decided to take two cars since my parents had to make a stop on the way and didn't want the kids to get restless. I decided to ride with my parents because I knew it would make them happy. Plus, I had truly missed them this week and was looking forward to any extra time I had with them. The ride to the diner was so carefree and full of joking, laughing, and singing. No one would have guessed that we just went a week without speaking.

As soon as we pulled into the diner, I noticed Zoe inside. Just watching her made me feel warm inside and I was sad that I wouldn't actually have any time alone with her. My only hope now was that she would at least be our waitress. We walked in and saw my brother's family sitting at our usual booth. I was happy when Zoe walked up to the table to take our drink orders. She gave me an extra big smile as I ordered that made me melt inside.

Dinner went well. My dad asked Zoe all about her family's Christmas traditions and I smiled picturing her family doing all the things she spoke of. If my parents took notice to the extra attention Zoe and I were giving each other, they didn't show it. I thought about how this seemed to be the most my family laughed together in a really long time. Near the end of dinner, my dad asked Zoe if she could take a picture of my family. As soon as I saw it, I knew I would frame it and always keep it with me. We all looked so genuinely happy. This picture would always be proof that my family could get through anything.

When the check came, my brother turned to my parents and said, "Why don't you two take the kids home in my car and I'll take care of the check? That way you can have them in their pajamas by the time we get back." My parents agreed and asked if I was coming with them. That's when my brother cut in. "Actually," he said, "I thought since you two got Holls on the way here that she could ride home with us." I whispered a thank you to my brother as my parents left the diner with my niece and nephew. When Zoe came to pick up our check, my brother stood up, shook her hand, and said, "I'm Holly's brother Mark and this is my wife Jen. It's nice to officially meet you. I have heard SO much about you." He gave her a wink as he put an emphasis on the word so and I realized that it was my turn to be embarrassed by a sibling. Zoe smiled and said that she had heard a lot about them as well. That's when I noticed an idea had popped into my brother's head. He always got this really goofy smile when he believed he had come up with a great idea. I knew I was right when he turned to Zoe and asked, "Zoe, did you happen to take your break yet or do you think you would be able to take it soon?" Zoe laughed and looked around at the almost empty diner and said, "I think this is the perfect time for my 15 minute break. Thank you for the suggestion." My brother gave me a look and then said, "You know what? I think I want to surprise mom and dad by putting gas in their car. Why don't you stay here Holls and we'll be back. If I had to guess, I would say it will probably take us about 15 minutes or so." I shook my head at my brother. He was unbelievable, but at this moment I was so thankful for his antics.

After my brother and sister in law left and Zoe clocked out, she asked if I wanted to do our usual walk. I agreed and she immediately took my hand. I was happy to even get 15 minutes alone with her. After about 10 minutes, she led me to the spot where I had almost kissed her last night. She turned to me and said, "Both times we walked here, right around this point, I started to think about how much I would like to kiss you." I felt my whole body getting warm as she continued, "Even that first night that I really talked to you it happened and last night it took everything in me to not do it. But I wanted to make sure this moment was right. This is a really big time for you, but it's also big for me. I've never felt like this before Holly." With those words, she put her arms around my waste and pulled me closer to finally kiss me. It was the type of kiss that they write songs about and I didn't want it to stop. Zoe finally pulled back, smiled at me, and said, "Merry Christmas Holly. I hope it is everything you could possibly wish for." As I looked back in her eyes, I realized that all the Christmas wishes I hadn't made, but really wanted deep within my heart, had come true. I gave her one more quick kiss before we walked back to the diner. My brother was pulling in right as we got to the front door of the diner. Zoe gave me a hug and told me that she would text me later.

I felt like I had floated into the car and my brother must have seen it on my face because he laughed and said, "I hope you don't think you're getting anymore Christmas presents from me. I don't think I could top that one." I shook my head, laughed, and thanked him. When we arrived back at their house, my niece and nephews were in their pajamas and working on their letters to Santa (I guess I should say to you). We helped them put out cookies and milk and then all went to my nephew's room so we could listen to my dad read "The Night Before Christmas" as the kids fell asleep.

When we got back down stairs, I sat on the couch and looked at my phone. I had a text from Zoe that read, "I think this was the best Christmas Eve ever. I can't stop thinking about our walk. Thank you for being you." I couldn't stop myself from smiling and blushing and when I looked up from my phone I noticed my whole family was staring at me. "Who texted you?" My mom asked. As cooly as I could I said, "Oh it was just Zoe saying Merry Christmas to everyone." I quickly shoved my phone back into my pocket and tried to compose myself. For a few seconds no one said anything. Then my dad sat down beside me, put his arm around me, and said, "It's really nice to see that sparkle back in your eyes." This made me smile from ear to ear. At this point, my mom looked over at us and said, "Has anyone told you lately that your smile is contagious?" This was the perfect end to the perfect day.

I guess I better let you go. You have a very long night ahead of you delivering presents. Just so you know, I don't need anything else. This year I've already gotten everything I could possibly ask for.

Thanks again,

Holly

Epilogue: 12/25/16

Dear Santa,

Merry Christmas! Looking back on the past month, I can't believe how much has changed and how much I have grown. I know the journey doesn't happen so fast normally, but I guess that is why they call it the magic of Christmas. I also know that this isn't the end. This is just the beginning and there will definitely be hardships, but the good times will make it all worthwhile.

I'm not sure what will happen with Zoe and with my family, but I'm not scared anymore. I'm ready for whatever life throws at me and it will be one hell of a ride.

So Santa (or God or my inner self or whoever it is that I have been talking to this whole time), thank you. I couldn't have gotten through this without you.

Until next year,

Holly

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Thank you for reading my book! I really hope you enjoyed it! Please take the time to leave me a review at your favorite retailer!

Thanks!

Erica Hess

About the Author

Erica currently resides in Pennsylvania with her fiance, bunny, and chinchilla. She is a certified doctor of Optometry and enjoys writing in her free time.

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