(audience shuffling)
(slow gradient music)
(snapping)
She calls it
black girl love,
and I see bare ebony feet
drudging through red clay,
dust coating her full lips
and sweat kissing her forehead.
She calls it black girl love,
and I'm taken back to my first time,
pain coupled with pleasure
licking the lines of uncertainty.
She calls it
black girl love,
and I become consumed
by the sway of her hips,
the way her sweat smells.
Eight hours of being there
tripling fingers fighting
to go through gates
they are told not to go.
She calls it
black girl love.
And I see myself in her arms
nestled against her breast,
whirling my fingers through her locks
and masturbating to the
rhythm of her breath.
She calls it black girl love,
and I find myself naked, exposed,
shredding my costume, removing my masks,
slipping into my weakness
and embracing my ugliness.
She calls it black girl love,
and I relinquish my will to fight.
I surrender my heart.
I talk in my real voice,
and I pick up my pen.
She calls it
black girl love.
(footsteps)
Innocent,
sweet,
pure,
salty.
She calls it
black girl love.
I just call it love.
(footsteps)
She came over last night
seeking conversation
of an intellectual nature.
She actually said that.
(doorbell)
Hello!
I'm here for conversation
of an intellectual nature.
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
I brought wine.
(audience laughter)
Are you gonna let me in or...?
You're here, aren't you?
Yes.
Oh, you just gonna go
touching all my stuff?
Where's your corkscrew?
Second drawer from the sink.
Thanks.
(chuckling)
So, what do you want to watch?
I don't know.
What do you want to watch?
I asked you first.
I mean, it doesn't matter.
I'm here for conversation.
Remember?
Right.
(audience laughter)
So, what's on your mind?
IDK.
I'm actually trying not to
think about the news right now.
Girl, you're the one who just said
you wanted a conversation
of an intellectual nature,
Yeah, I know, I know, okay.
Shut up.
(audience laughter)
I just read something
for this class I'm taking
that talked about how when we assume
that black queer women are the only ones
having sex worth creating discourse about,
we place the burden of sexuality studies
on all black queer women.
I'm like, I never thought of that before.
(audience laughter)
And like it makes so much sense, you know?
But it's also so surprising to hear
because I feel like
we're always talking about straight women,
but whenever we talk about sex,
it really is always about queer sex.
Anyway, it's a weird kind
of dichotomy, you know?
Because I feel like it's
a super slippery slope
where if we acknowledge the fact
that we don't talk about black
middle class straight women
and their sexuality as
a part of our feminism,
then what if they become
all that we talk about?
And don't we talk about
straight people enough?
You right.
(audience laughter)
I swear she smelled intoxicating as hell.
But, at the same time, IDK, you know.
Whenever I talk to my mom
about gender studies stuff,
I can tell that it has
awakened something in her,
and she's ready to talk about shit with me
that she's never been
able to talk about before,
and that's important, right?
I want my mom to be able to talk
about gender studies
stuff and sexuality stuff
and all that stuff.
(audience laughter)
What?
Why are you touching my stuff?
You're such a Taurus!
(audience laughter)
Oh my god.
I'm just looking.
You look with your eyes, not your hands.
All right.
All right.
(audience laughter)
You got a lot of books.
I don't look like I read?
Nigga, did I say you look
like you don't read?!
(audience laughter)
I'm just kidding.
Come here.
Why are you so far away?
Wait.
(audience laughter)
I love Toni Morrison.
"The woman's legs are
spread wide open, so I hum."
Mmm.
It's "Love".
What?
The book.
Oh, yeah, it's been a month.
Do you have any suggestions
from your library
that I can borrow?
I'm wanting to read something
that's not required.
(audience laughter)
Yeah, I mean, if you like Toni Morrison,
what else would you like?
Have you read "God Help the Child"?
Yeah.
There's something about
silence being as close to music
as you can get.
That shit made me get my
own apartment, to be honest.
I feel you.
I like having my own space.
You know, Taurus shit.
(audience laughter)
Have you read Mia McKenzie's
joint from like 2013?
What's it called?
"Summer We Got Free"
No, no, I haven't read it yet.
Even though I'm pretty
sure I bought it on Kindle
right when it came out.
Well, you should borrow my copy.
Tell me what you think.
Okay.
Thanks.
You have nice hands.
Thank you.
You have good books, too.
Books are important.
John Waters!
You know that crazy ass white
dude who made Hairspray?
(audience laughter)
I read in a GQ or Vanity
Fair interview with him
where he said something like,
"Don't date someone if
they don't have any books."
My mom also thinks you
shouldn't date someone
if they've got a dirty kitchen, you know?
(audience laughter)
If you get up from the bed after,
and you go get a drink,
and they got roaches!
How do you find the matches?
Oh my god, I would die.
(audience laughter)
And you'd probably be butt-ass naked
and that shit's gross.
(audience laughter)
(audience laughter)
Thank you.
What are you thanking me for?
For listening
to me.
You're welcome.
Can I...?
Yes.
(audience laughter)
Should I be--
Rougher, yeah.
(audience laughter)
You want it?
Gentler.
For sure.
(gentle moaning)
(intense moaning)
(giggling)
Her mouth was warm, and
we fit together perfectly.
She moved with me.
Whoo!
Whoo!
So, did you still need that
intellectual conversation
or was a physical one okay?
Oh my god.
I can't stand you.
(laughter)
We were friends at one time.
Soon after, we became
friends with benefits.
Not the type you're thinking about,
but good ones nonetheless.
We switched nights.
We both had keys.
Come late, leave whenever.
We were friends.
We were bed buddies.
(sighs)
This is nice.
Have I mentioned this is nice?
I missed the cuddling.
Share your warm ass body.
Hey, I'm not that warm!
Come on, you're pretty fucking warm.
But it's nice!
(laughter)
I'm miss the platonic touches,
your hand on my hip in the morning
or warm air blowing softly and evenly
from your thick lips,
the ones you once thought were too big.
I miss the joys of waking up to
sun sharing sheets shared by another.
(giggles)
So, we made a plan,
a good one..
I'm not attracted to you.
I mean?
No, I mean, of course.
You know you're gorgeous.
Stop fretting.
What I mean is that--
You don't want to sleep with me.
Good.
I will come over three nights a week.
Can we make it two?
I think you're great.
My cats just get really upset
when another woman shares
their space in bed.
Okay, I will come over two nights a week,
and you will change the
sheets before I get there so--
I mean, obviously.
I have home training, thank you.
(audience laughter)
And I'll come to your place twice a week?
Perfect.
We're just sleeping buddies.
Just sleeping.
I get a better night's rest
when someone else is in the bed.
Yeah, same.
This is just to keep our heat bills low
and to help us get those eight hours.
Nothing more.
Nothing less.
We are just friends,
not attracted to each other.
I mean, she's thicker than
what I go for typically.
You couldn't handle me, anyways.
All those skinny ass
little girls you date.
(audience laughter)
It was a perfect, simple, beautiful plan.
Then it got complicated.
Her skin was so soft.
She had this patch on the right side
below her tenth rib, above
her pelvic... something.
I noticed it when we were spooning.
I was the big spoon.
She sleeps better when we're spooning.
I don't mind sleeping together.
In fact, I prefer it.
Plus, she always smells like this
right out of the shower smell, you know?
Like Dove soap and coconut oil
plus a little bit of rosemary, maybe.
At night, her bonnet would
fall in front of my face,
and that clean herbal scent
always overwhelmed me.
I was afraid
my hands would stray.
my hands would stray.
When we were spooning,
my hands would travel
from the front of my
thigh to the back of hers.
I couldn't help it.
I couldn't help
thinking about her.
Her smell lingered on me all day
even after I showered in the morning.
Her scent would be stuck in my nostrils.
Faces of hers, I hadn't noticed before.
(telephone ringing)
Hello?
How's your fuck buddy?
(laughter from audience
drowns out speakers)
(speakers talking over one another)
Honestly, you're so childish.
I don't know how she's spun this tale.
Listen, we like the company.
(speakers talking over one another)
Dee, please, this is not the time.
I don't know if I'm seeing anybody else.
Um, she's not available,
Hanging up now.
Okay, thanks, bye!
(audience laughter)
One night, my hands drift.
She touched me, and I let her know
that I knew that she touched me.
But I didn't stop her because
I didn't want her to stop.
One night, I didn't get any sleep.
And neither did I.
(giggling)
(crowd shuffling)
Can't believe my baby
nephew's graduating today.
I guess if he's over six feet tall,
he can't be that little anymore?
Yeah, not so little.
Can't believe I traveled
over six hundred miles
to get here, and I'm still late.
I don't even know where
my family is right now.
Oh, excuse me.
I didn't know I'd be celebrating
my nephew's graduation
with a bunch of multi-cultural strangers
if you know what I mean.
Are you okay?
I'm slightly stressed.
Why are you stressed?
You wanna talk about it?
Well, okay, my flight was late.
Then I couldn't get my rental
car for some apparent reason.
Right, and then this white
school starts graduation on time.
So I'm even more afraid.
And I'm sitting with a bunch of strangers.
(sighs)
I'm sorry.
I dumped all my problems on you
before I even introduced myself.
I'm Dee.
Oh, that's okay, I'm naturally nosy.
I'm Brille, but my friends call me Bri.
Okay, what do strangers call you?
They can call me anytime.
Oooh, okay.
Brille, sometimes called Bri,
strangers call you anytime.
Mmhmm.
Who are you hear wishing the best for?
Oh, my goddaughter.
She's the one with the
rhinestones on the top of her cap.
Ah.
You know you're gonna have
to pay for that, right?
Oh, I know.
It's my graduation gift to her.
The cap, hopefully not the gown.
You know, we spent hours
last week making sure
that the rhinestones aligned
her initials perfectly.
Hmm, so you're the good godmother.
Basically a fairy.
Okay!
Well, you are in good company
because I am the best auntie in the world.
Okay, I see.
So, what are you doing after graduation?
We're throwing a party for my goddaughter,
and I don't know about after.
What about you?
Oh, okay, about the same.
I'm gonna hang with
family until about nine,
and then I'm gonna meet
up with some friends.
We're eating a late dinner.
Oh, friends?
Yeah, yeah, I don't live here anymore,
but when I do come to
town, I hang out with them,
dinner, dancing, a heavy
dose of reminiscing.
You're welcome to join me... us.
Dancing and dinner with strangers.
That sounds like fun.
Count me in.
Okay.
Okay.
Let's see.
So, here is my number.
Call or text, and let
me know when and where,
and I will see you there.
Great, thank you.
Bri, this is Dee.
Gonna meet at The Spot
in about thirty minutes.
Hope to see you there.
(message tone)
Kk, I will see you then.
Okay.
What's that about?
Okay, I just invited somebody
I met at the graduation.
Please be chill.
I think she's fam.
Now, you know you can't just say that
without giving no details, nigga.
(audience laughter)
Is she queer?
Is she single?
What's her name?
Oh, she's very cute, and her name is Bri.
And I don't know if she's single or not.
We just met.
Bri?
Bri?
Like the Bri we've been
trying to tell you about?
Wait, what?
Light-skinned Bri.
With those braids and
that Bastille tattoo.
(laughter)
(audience laughter)
Well.
Thank you for inviting me.
Should have done it sooner apparently.
(audience laughter)
(low ambient music)
January 7th.
Dear Diary,
I saw her today, and she still
has that walk that I love.
She looked happy, too, unlike
the last time I saw her.
I hope she forgives me for that.
I was going through some things,
and I didn't mean to take
my problems out on her.
Maybe I should just send
her an email to say, "Hi,"
let her know that I saw her.
I wonder if she's changed
her email or phone number.
I wonder if she's moved.
January 12th.
She wrote me back.
I can't believe she wrote me back.
She said next time I
should stop her and speak.
Maybe I should go back by there tomorrow.
She hasn't been back by
in the last three days.
I wrote her back, and I
mentioned I'm not dating anyone.
I wanna be better.
January 17th.
It's been five days,
and she still hasn't
responded to my email.
I mean, maybe I shouldn't worry.
She does have a life, right?
Maybe she's dating someone new.
She was smiling with that
girl she was walking with.
No, no, she would tell me if
she was dating someone new.
I told her I wasn't dating anyone.
Maybe she's sick.
That's probably what it is!
She's sick!
And she's probably all alone
without anyone to help her feel better.
I'm gonna take her some
get well goodies, you know?
Like some soup, some crackers, a magazine.
Maybe I should call first.
No, surprising her is gonna be best!
We love each other.
January 18th.
I still haven't heard back from her,
and I'm starting to get worried.
I called the hospital and
the police department.
I even called her mother,
but she hung up on me.
Doesn't she know that I'm
worried about her daughter?
I mean, yes, I messed up, and I apologize,
but her family can't
stop me from loving her.
She forgave me,
and she told me next
time I see her to speak,
and she replied back to my email.
I just need her to call me,
and let me know everything's okay.
I'm just trying to love her.
January 20th.
I can't believe she
still hasn't called me.
I went out of my way, took
medicine and food by her house.
I even left a note to
let her know it was me.
You'd think she'd at least
call to say, "Thank you."
So, I called her all this morning
and three times last night.
No one answered, so I drove
by her house last night,
rang the doorbell, sit in the
cold rain for thirty minutes,
and no one answered the door.
Where was she?
(sighs)
I don't know why she
wants to play these games.
She's know that I love her, and I'm sorry.
I've changed.
I even got my old job
back on a trial basis,
but I know I'll make it.
I just need her to call me,
let me know she's okay.
January 24th.
ALL SPEAKERS: I love her.
I love her!
I love her!
She called me back finally.
She said she got my care package,
my voicemail, my emails.
Apparently, she was out of town.
I mean, I'm glad she
wasn't sick or anything,
but she was still rude.
She even ignored me while she was at home.
I saw her moving around her house.
I even watched over her while she slept.
I've left her hundreds of cards this week.
I even left a beautiful handmade
one on her pillow today.
I made a photo album filled with pictures
from back when we were happy
before I let my problems mess us up.
And after all that,
she still told me not
to contact her anymore.
I would have done more, but I'm broke.
They fired me for missing days
because I was worried
about her being sick.
She made me lose my job, but that's okay.
She'll make it up to me
when we are together.
I'll do all the cooking and
cleaning while she's at work,
and we'll have a perfect
house with kids and a dog.
She's allergic to cats.
January 25th.
ALL SPEAKERS: I love her.
I don't understand why
she can't understand that.
I mean, I try to explain,
but she just wouldn't listen.
She just would not listen to me.
And I only held her down
so she would just shut up
and listen to what I was trying to say.
She started screaming and hollering at me,
so I had to do something to calm her down.
So, I hit her, you know,
like they do in the movies.
Except, it didn't work.
She kept screaming and hollering at me.
She kept screaming at me.
Why does she want me to leave?
I was only trying to love her.
I kept covering her face hoping
that she would just be
quiet for one second.
Enough time to let me talk,
enough time for me to show
her how much I love her!
All the hand-written
cards I had wrote for her,
all the roses I picked for her,
all the pictures I took of her
smiling and laughing with
others, never with me.
Never with me!
Now, she wants to cry
and tell me to leave.
I can't do that, and she knows that.
She's mine forever.
I kept covering her face
even after she stopped moving,
and I heard nothing from her.
No more pleading for me to stop,
no more asking me to leave.
I kept my hands there just long enough
for her to listen to what
I was trying to tell her,
and then I just got too
tired, and I had to rest.
She was already asleep,
(giggles)
laying beside me like it should always be.
I put my arms around her,
waiting.
Waiting for her to wake up,
so we could be together.
Forever.
ALL SPEAKERS: I hope she knows
I'm just trying to love her.
Purple, purple, purple!
Purple was the color of the shirt
that she wore when I first met her.
I remember because it
was loud and not cute.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry, babe.
It was loud, not cute.
At least, not on her.
It was a little too tight,
and it had this overabundance
of buttons and flaps,
and it made it look like some
Cadet Kelly reject issue.
Wow, you're going to sting
me about my fashion choices.
I also noticed her eyes
because when she smiled, you
could tell it was genuine
because of her eyes.
I stayed in town after we met,
and I started bumping into
her everywhere I went.
I even jokingly accused
her of stalking me.
And from the way she laughed,
I think there might have been
something to my accusation.
She wanted to bump into me.
I didn't know how to make it happen,
so I made excuses to text her,
and the occasional text
led to us calling before each function
to see if the other one
would make an appearance,
which almost always led to carpooling.
So, it was like a date
sort of, kind of, but not.
Yeah, we talked about everything.
Politics, books, sex...
Sex.
Oh, yeah. Lots of sex.
Yeah, we just kept coming
back around to sex.
(laughter)
And, you know, I...
It was always about the...
my overabundance and your--
Oh, yeah!
And your lack thereof.
Yeah.
(audience laughter)
Oh, oh, oh, hold on.
I remember--
I wasn't jealous, though.
Oh, but until you were, and
I remember the conversation.
I was talking about my latest whoever,
and then you said, "If it was
so great, why call me after?"
Uh huh!
You know, if you wanted
me, you could have had me.
So then I said, "You don't
even wanna be with me,
so why are you being like this?"
Well, we sat on the phone
in silence for five minutes.
(audience laughter)
Five minutes is a long
time to sit on the phone.
(audience laughter)
And finally I said,
(laughter)
"I do."
(squeals)
So, we went out to dinner,
and on the surface,
nothing unusual happened.
Oh, nice try.
We touched hands all night.
(laughter)
When she passed me the
salt, our hands would touch.
When I passed her the butter,
our hands would touch.
And every time our hands touched,
it was like time stood still.
And I never asked you.
What made you want more
than just dinner that night?
Purple.
You wore purple the first time I met you,
and then you wore it at dinner.
Oh, so you did like my shirt?
No.
(audience laughter)
I just knew I couldn't get you
or that color out of my mind
until I got you out of it.
Okay!
(laughter)
(flirtatious growl)
(audience laughter)
(dog barking)
(dog barking)
So I'm sitting there,
barbecue sauce all over my titties.
(audience laughter)
Jasper!
I mean, yes, all over my damn titties.
See, this is why you shouldn't try
to make a church picnic into a cute date.
Wait, you took her to the church picnic?
Listen, I'm saved, sanctified,
and holy ghost filled,
but my booty still needs tail love.
If she can survive all them
nosy ass church ladies,
she can stick around.
Okay.
So, anyway, I'm sitting there,
and she just looked at me.
She didn't even offer to help me.
Wow, that is weird.
Uh huh!
So, I go to the bathroom,
come back in what is
essentially now a wet dress,
and homegirl is still there
munching on ribs.
I ask her if I can use her flannel,
you know, to cover up my dress
so I didn't look like I'd drowned.
And she's like, "I mean, it's
kind of part of my look."
(audience laughter)
Shit!
Had it been at a regular
degular ass picnic,
I would have cussed her ass out so quick!
(audience clapping)
Why can't I get a regular
ass girl to date me?
Why are they all so ridiculous?
I don't know, man.
Hmm.
Why am I even asking you?
You've been married for
as long as I've known you.
How's that BT Dubs?
How are you?
Why am I doing all of the talking today?
You always the one doing all the talking.
(audience laughter)
Okay, all right, I know.
I am a Gemini sun and moon.
We are who we are!
(audience laughter)
But right now, I'm ready to listen.
How are you?
I'm good.
I'm really good.
I am relishing in my corporeal self.
You're doing what with who?
I'm really loving having a body lately.
You know, that's new for me.
When I came out as genderqueer,
I didn't plan on making any
physical or permanent changes
to my body, so I didn't think
people would get it, you know?
It was like I was having this
huge internal realization
and transformation, but
it was happening for me,
and I thought that I wouldn't be seen.
But you have been.
But I have been.
People have been so empathetic.
Aw, wow.
It's almost as if your
friends want you to be happy,
and, therefore, affirm your identity.
(audience laughter)
Like I was saying,
my friends have been so
empathetic and attentive.
And, you know, it's the first time
that I've really loved my body, you know?
I don't know.
It's like the people who loved me
who still see me as a woman,
I just feel like I couldn't
fully exist with them
because they thought I
was someone who I wasn't.
But, you know, it's not
like the act of saying
I'm not a woman has changed
how I live in my body,
but, tell me if this
is TMI, it's about sex.
Yeah, no talk about sex is ever TMI.
Okay.
So like, I'm having amazing sex.
Like, amazing!
I mean, okay, bae and I
have always had the sex.
Yeah, obviously.
Obviously, but it's like I'm having sex.
I don't know what it is,
if I'm just like breathing deeper,
if I'm less tense or more grounded,
but before I felt like I was
kind of watching myself have sex,
but now I'm having sex,
and that shit is good.
(audience laughter)
Okay!
I am loving this new you
who is loving yourself
and loving sex, Dee!
This is such a good development!
I am honestly and
earnestly so happy for you.
I mean, you're constantly glowing.
You smile more.
I feel like I'm seeing you
for the first time, you know?
I'm happy.
I'm really happy, and sometimes
it feels silly and childish.
Yeah, but it's not.
I love this Dee.
I love you!
Coming out is absolutely white supremacist
and is a tool of surveillance,
but at the same time,
is it freeing!
I wish that feeling for all of my friends.
Me too.
I don't know.
Please behave, and I'll see you soon.
And no more barbecue on dates.
(audience laughter)
I can't guarantee good behavior,
but I can guarantee no
more barbecue titties.
Okay.
(audience laughter)
This is good.
It is.
I love you, friend.
I love you, too.
See you soon.
Yeah, see you soon.
Bye
Bye.
Boop!
(giggling)
I love you.
I love you, too.
Yeah?
Mmhmm.
(squealing)
(deep inhalation)
(audience laughter)
Fuck!
Now what?
(audience laughter)
She wants me to mentally
fuck her pain away.
Pretend we more than just a
two-night stand, memories of...
(smacking of hands on speaker's body)
(deep exhalation)
And I'm not a wound licker.
Dry blood clot, tender.
So, I pass this time while explaining why
as she puts me, once again,
on the sidelines of her life,
catching drip drops of her.
(smacking of hands on speaker's body)
(deep exhalation)
(sighs)
She's starting to bore me.
And the hunger in me isn't being fed.
Mental rumbles echoing in a
space long ago occupied by her,
so why even bother
standing on the sidelines,
front lines of her life?
It isn't something that
interests me anymore.
(smacking of hands on speaker's body)
(deep exhalation)
(stomping)
(exhalation)
And did I mention I'm bored?
Or should I stress we've been here before?
Easing pain with BandAids.
A fake love, fake want, fake wetness
seeping from pens of invisible ink.
And she says,
she says I understand her
like no other.
I say she misunderstands me
like no other.
(smacks hands on speaker's body)
(stomps)
(deep exhalations)
(stomps)
Pretending...
(laughs)
we friends til silence finds us again.
Time passes again, and we part once again.
I'm hungry.
She feeds me no more.
(cell phone ringing)
I met a new friend.
A new friend?
Yeah.
When did you meet her,
and why am I just now hearing about it?
She dropped me a line a
few weeks ago on Facebook,
said she's seen me before out and about.
Honestly, okay,
we've been talking a
little bit more recently,
and she wants to hang out sometimes.
I wouldn't have even responded,
but I'm tired of sitting
alone at home each night,
and like I said, we're just friends.
Okay, so when are you hanging
out with this new friend?
This weekend.
We're gonna check out that new sushi place
that I mentioned to you.
You know?
The one that I asked you to go to?
So, you're just deciding
to tell me about it?
I didn't have to tell you at all.
It's not like you care what
I do on the weekends anyway.
As long as I'm there
when you catch five minutes away from her.
How can you say that?
You know I work hard to spend
more than just five minutes
with you on the weekends.
Yeah, on the damn phone.
We've been doing this
for like six months now,
and I just started getting calls from you
at the weekend last month.
And, once again, that's
when she's not around.
I'm tired of this.
(sighs)
I'm sorry.
You're right.
You shouldn't be alone,
and you shouldn't have to
spend the weekends by yourself.
I'm sorry I put you through this.
I'm sorry I'm too fucking scared
to just break up with her.
I do wanna be with you.
I can't love you enough to give you up.
I'm sorry that this new friend
can give you what you need,
something that I wanna give you.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
I love myself enough to let you go.
I need more, Dee.
I'll break up with her tonight.
Okay.
Okay, I'll meet you on Fifth
in about an hour, maybe two,
depending on how this goes.
Okay?
Okay.
I'll meet you there.
Don't disappoint me, Dee.
Okay.
Dee!
Baby!
Can you help me with something?
Okay, I'll be right there.
Wait a sec!
Surprise!
(giggling)
Happy seventh anniversary!
Fuck.
I know these last nine
months have been hard
and that we both have work to do,
but I love you.
I love us.
We're familiar.
I feel safe and good with you.
I know you.
Ana, this is too much almost.
Dee, it's just a cake.
I didn't get you anything
else, so don't get too excited.
I'm glad you like it, though.
I love doing things that make you happy.
You're so good at it, baby, thank you.
What kind of cake did you make?
Funfetti.
From the box, so like I
said, don't get too excited.
(audience laughter)
It's perfect.
Unfortunately, I have a
meeting to go to downtown.
At 8:30 on a Tuesday?
Hmm. You better not be cheating on me.
Ana, why would you say that?
Babe, it was just a joke.
What?
Ana...
What's wrong?
Why are you crying?
We need to talk.
Yeah, talk about what?
I'm done.
You're done with what?
I'm done with this.
With this half-ass relationship,
this pretending that we still care
when we both know we don't.
We're just existing, and I'm
tired of existing with you.
I want more from life.
I deserve more from life, so I'm done.
I'm in love.
I met her months ago.
We've been talking, falling in love,
and she wants us to be together.
Okay.
She deserves better.
I deserve better, and I'm
ready to give her all of me.
Okay.
Besides, I didn't even
think you would notice
whether or not I was here.
I mean, we're barely existing together.
We wake up, go to sleep,
just out of routine.
We don't even wanna be...
I don't even remember... I
didn't remember our anniversary.
I don't remember the last
real kiss we've shared.
We haven't... we haven't even touched,
like the last time we touched
was passing in the bathroom.
We haven't had sex in months.
Okay.
I wanna get to know someone.
I wanna, hell, hug someone--
No, I said okay, dammit!
Shut up!
You want out?
Fuck it!
Fine!
Just get your shit and go!
Just please stop with the bullshit
about you being in love
with another woman.
You think you special?
Because you found someone else to love
instead of working on us?
What?
You want a damn cookie or
something for wanting more?
I gave you more, but your
selfish ass couldn't see that.
So, fuck you and the new chick!
(audience laughter)
I wish her well in dealing
with you and your nobody ways,
the putting yourself first
by switching jobs every six months
because they don't understand you!
Would it have killed
you to wash a damn dish
once or twice in seven years?
Pay a fucking light bill
without me begging first?
Did you ever think that
I was tired of trying
to cover us and all of our bills
while you found yourself and your calling?
No?
I got a calling for you.
It's called being grown!
So, go and be happy.
I know I will be.
I'll come and get my stuff
tomorrow while you're at work.
Get the fuck out!
(audience applause)
(funk music)
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
(phone ding)
Daddy KaiKai sent you a message.
Hey, ma, I loved talking
to you earlier this week.
Do you wanna check out that
new brewery this weekend?
Yeah!
Matter of fact, why
wait until the weekend?
Are you free tonight?
(sent message tone)
Oh, I actually just
made plans with someone,
and I think they might need some support.
I think they just broke
up with their girl,
but tomorrow?
(sent message tone)
Tomorrow sounds perfect.
(sent message tone)
Oh, great!
I'll see you then.
(sent message tone)
Good.
Wear something hot.
I haven't had sex in months.
And who knows?
I might put out on the first date.
(audience laughter)
Winky face emoji.
(sent message tone)
(audience laughter)
(audience applause)
(low ambient music)
I can still taste you in
the back of my throat.
I tried to erase it.
Fingers pushed in til I gag,
still not reach.
Drinking from your well is
something I can no longer do.
Still thirsty from the
last time as we tried
Be harder, I think to grow
my love to seed yours.
The ground has grown
dry, barren, infertile,
as we pretend, pretend that life is right,
and that we are doing right by being here.
Time passes as the need passes,
for you, for us.
Cravings no longer
reached for in your arms.
I'm passing on that hit this time.
Why?
Because.
Because is not a fucking answer, Kai.
What the fuck?
Okay.
No, I want an answer,
and I deserve it now.
Dee, we've talked about this before.
There's no easy answer.
Fuck that.
It's just time.
It's time to end this shit.
I mean, we've been here before.
You've changed, and I
did not sign up for this.
Oh, so it's my fault?
You know what?
I'm coming over.
Where is she?
I told you on the phone she wasn't here.
Where is she?
You fucking her.
Why isn't she here on a Saturday
night with my girlfriend?
She's not here cause I didn't invite her.
You invited her here
all the other times you were fucking her.
The other times you would
start arguments with me
to keep me away from here,
to keep me away from you.
What do you want me to say?
Yes, I invited her.
Yes, I fucked her.
But you know that already.
So, why are you here?
I'm here to set a bitch in the face
who cheated on me.
That's why I'm here.
So, I'm a bitch now?
I'm the same bitch that
carried your ass for six months
when you didn't have a job.
I'm the same bitch that's
been dealing with you,
trying to figure out if you're
a lesbian or some other shit
for the last year.
I mean, what the fuck
is genderqueer anyway?
(snort)
But you know what?
I'm also the same bitch
that knows your sorry ass cheated on me
with my so-called best
friend, so I'll be that bitch.
But what should I call you?
What do you call a bitch with no gender?
(loud slap)
(crying)
I'm done.
We're done.
(audience laughter)
Just not gonna say nothing?
Do you even wanna be here, Kai?
Do you know?
See, you get mad at me
for asking questions,
but it's because you're not
doing your own personal work,
and this silent resentment
bullshit, I'm not doing it, Kai.
I'm not.
So you're really just
not gonna say anything?
I'm listening to you, Bri--
No, I'm done talking.
I've been done talking.
I just do so much for you!
I come home from work.
I help you process your fucking day.
I cook for you, I smoke
you out when you're sad,
and nothing!
It's like you're taking my
labor for fucking granted,
and I'm tired of it.
Yo!
I need some damn action.
It is like you're not even fucking here.
Yo, you're being so aggressive right now,
and I need you to stop cussing at me.
You kidding me right now?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Nah.
I'm fucking serious.
Watch your mouth.
I'm sorry that I haven't
been showing up for you.
I wanna be my best self
in this, so sometimes...
I don't wanna cause you harm,
and I don't do anything.
I need to work on that.
I know I do.
I'm committed to that process, okay?
But I cannot be afraid
that you're gonna blow
our damn apartment up
every time I fuck up.
I'm trying my best to show
up to this table humbly, Bri.
Every day, I tried it my best to show up.
And I have my shit to work on,
but to keep it completely
honest, you knew that.
I'm doing the best that I can.
Are you done?
Oh my god.
See, this is the shit that
blows my mind about you.
Do you really think that
I'm not trying my best,
or are you just being petty right now?
Look, I'm being upfront about my feelings.
I'm telling you honestly
what's on my mind and heart,
and I'm still showing up for you.
I don't even understand how you can ask me
if I'm really trying.
Because it's about actions, Kai!
Not just saying and
trying, you have to do.
You have to be proactive in your life
and what you want in this life,
and what you're willing
to do to get to it!
And it seems like, quite
frankly, in this relationship
and other aspects of your life,
you're not even doing that.
So, yeah, I'm asking you
if you're even trying.
Look, Kai, I'm not calling you a liar.
I'm not.
I'm just saying you need
to take a look at yourself
and see why it is that you actually resist
closeness and growth.
How many times have you set
expectations for yourself,
and you didn't make it because
you didn't put in the work?
How many times have I reached out to you,
and you've closed yourself off on me,
or you get agitated when I check in?
You talk big talk, but are
you integrating any of that
in your life, in ours?
Yeah, saying and trying
isn't working anymore.
You have to do.
And, yes, there are
things I need from you,
but you have to do it for yourself first.
You're right.
In everything you just
said, I can't deny it.
I literally just said I
have my shit to work on.
Bri, I'm not proud of who I am.
I don't like the fact that
I have communication blocks
and issues with consistency.
Hell, at this point,
I can barely keep a promise to myself.
I'm not used to being
connected with someone.
Do you even wanna be?
What?
We have one argument, and
you're ready to call it off?
Listen, I need to know
where we stand in this.
I'm not trying to have you break my heart.
But I don't know what's gonna happen, Bri.
Yes, I like you right now,
and I wanna be with you.
But I cannot predict the future.
I wanna be in this.
I'm in this.
(groans)
Dammit!
Agh, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
I'm sorry for yelling.
(laughter)
My clients yell enough
to last us seven years.
I'm sorry, too.
I can communicate better.
I'm trying, but I can try harder.
You absolutely could.
Man!
Chill!
Listen, and also, I'm not
one of your little friends.
"Man", "Bruh", those are not
nicknames I consented to.
(audience laughter)
All right, shawty.
So, we good?
Yes.
I like you a lot, Kai.
I do, and I love showing that.
But sometimes I'd like
the same thing, too.
I feel you, and I can do that.
But I need you to give me a
little more time and space
to deal with shit on my own
before I bring shit to you.
I wanna share, but, you know,
sometimes it's like your
mind goes ten miles a minute,
and you're so stressed about something
that I've just processed, so maybe...
Look, I mean this in a loving way,
sometimes you gotta chill.
I don't know.
Slow down.
I'm right here.
(low ambient music)
She promised after the last time
that that would be the last time.
It wasn't.
She promised the last
time before the last time
that we would seek counseling
of some sort or treatment.
I make an appointment,
she didn't show.
It wasn't her fault.
Life and living kept us both busy,
and that day happened to be really busy.
I should've planned better.
She promised once to
apologize to my mother
for abusing her daughter.
She wrote it down word for word
what she was going to say.
"Mail it!" I said.
No, no, this has to be
spoken face to face.
I didn't ask for that.
I didn't expect it and wasn't surprised
when it didn't happen.
The letter or the apology.
She promised me the sun, moon, and stars
and delivered me to the
hospital ER more than once.
I accepted it as my worth.
I accepted that I needed to love her more,
accept her better.
I tried.
I tried to anticipate what
would make her happy, sad,
but most of all mad.
I remember the first time we fought.
It was a simple push, really,
after I said something
that she didn't like.
We were both surprised by her reaction.
I apologized.
She apologized.
And I took it as a one-off thing
that it wouldn't happen again
until it did.
The second time was a push
again, followed by a slap.
Again, we were both surprised.
Me, more than her.
She apologized again, but she
added that it was my fault,
and I needed to watch my mouth.
I slightly agreed.
I mean, maybe if I shut up more,
her hitting me wouldn't have happened.
I believed that until the
fourth or fifth time she hit me
after she was having a bad day,
and I was standing in the way of the door.
I was there to give her a hug.
Instead, I got a shove and
a punch in the stomach.
I didn't greet her at the door anymore.
I don't do much of anything anymore.
We argued one night after
I hung out with friends.
I was thirty minutes late.
She greeted me by grabbing my neck
and dragging me through
the house by my hair.
She accused me of cheating
and made me strip naked
to smell her on me, she says.
Then she took what I didn't
want to give anymore.
Her heart wasn't there.
She normally wanted sex
to enforce her point.
I cut my hair.
She told me that my mother
was trying to separate us
after she questioned us about the bruises
and the weight loss.
I told her that my mother
loved me, loved her, loved us,
and didn't want us apart.
She disagreed.
She beat me every time
I visited my mother.
I don't visit her anymore.
We talk on the phone while I'm at work.
I'm not allowed on the
phone or the computer
when we're home together.
It took a while.
There were bruises and broken bones
before I realized that
I can't do this anymore.
She didn't believe me.
She told me to sit my ass down,
and before I could even open my mouth,
she hit me in it.
Making (mumbles) becoming
easier and easier.
I took the hit and the many that followed,
the sex after.
It made it easier.
Easier to shoot her
point blank in the head.
You know, TV movies lie.
The blood splatter wasn't that intense.
Oh, the look she gave me, though?
That was a test.
She looked scared.
And surprised!
How many times did I look like that?
Eyes and mouth wide open
wanting to say whatever I could
to prevent what was to happen.
It never worked for me,
and it didn't work for her.
I told her, "I no longer love you."
I'm tired, tired, tired of loving you.
And you would never let us go.
I almost asked her what was it about me
that made her not love me enough?
Then I stopped.
It was too late.
It was too late for her.
It was too late for us.
I pulled the gun from under the bed,
thought how heavy my arm
was with the weight of it.
How cold it felt in my grasp.
It was smart to put the bullets in early,
so I wouldn't chicken out.
It's the simple things.
I woke her up gently,
pushed on her shoulder
to kiss on her neck.
She turned over, fussing and cussing.
Swinging would have been next,
but the gun stopped her.
Freeze frame.
It could have been, should
have been, so different for us.
I pulled the trigger.
She died.
I put two bullets in, one
for her and one for me.
I didn't use mine.
There really wasn't a need to anymore.
What I didn't expect in all my planning,
I pictured that they would
find us spread out here.
Instead, they will just find her.
I think I'm gonna disappear for a while,
live life for the first
time in a long time.
And if they find me eventually,
it can't be any worse
than what she did to me.
Momma will understand.
Daddy beat her until she
couldn't take it anymore.
I guess blood tells.
(low guitar strumming)
All I ever think about is you.
And sometimes that's not a good thing
in the middle of pain filled silences,
as visual representations of me and you.
Eyes flooding, closed to the
truth of being you no more,
though, I see you trying,
and I hear what you're saying,
echoing between words already spoken,
loudly.
So, I move left,
and you move right,
and we not dancing.
We just stepping over shit piles
of love, trust, hurt, pain,
love, trust, hurt, pain.
Relationship,
curdling in this fridge we built,
not purchased.
Winter approaching inside and out.
Wrapping myself in blankets with you,
but in the end,
all I ever think about
is you.
(slow purposeful music)
(footsteps)
Hi.
I'll have some miso soup, no tofu.
Yakitori, really light on the onions.
Do you have that gluten free soy sauce?
Yeah!
Okay, let me get a go-go
roll, extra masago sauce.
And a glass of water.
Okay.
Oh, wait, one pot of matcha tea?
Got it.
Thank you.
Hurry up, and decide on what you want.
I am starving.
Please!
You know I always get the same thing here,
so the only one holding you back is you.
Uh-uh, you need to be more adventurous,
try a different side dish.
Okay, are you buying?
Ooh, no.
Uh-huh, then shut that thing, honest!
You seem so angry!
(laughter)
I missed you!
Yeah, I missed you, too, bud!
Tell me what's up!
Oh, hold on.
Okay, one second.
Wear a skirt, no panties,
and those heels that I like.
Well...
Waiter, water?
Oh, more?
(giggling)
Thank you.
So, how is she?
She is fine!
Better?
Much better.
How so?
Well, I took the time to
better explain what I wanted.
Really?
And what is it that you want?
Use your frame, pain is pleasure.
And that all of the sudden
made everything better?
No.
But we talked some more,
and then we did some more.
Oh, the doing made everything better.
Can I watch?
Quit playing, girl!
You know she's not gonna let you watch!
She already thinks we are
fucking when we do lunch.
She's probably gonna smell
my breath when I get home.
Why should she be smelling your breath
when she should be smelling mine?
Okay!
Why is it that we always talk about sex?
Yeah, I don't know.
(audience laughter)
Hungry?
Somewhat.
No panties?
No panties.
Good girl.
Hungry?
Yes.
(giggles)
(gasping)
Ahem, good.
We're here.
Are you ready for the check?
Yes.
One second.
Oh, you exude sex.
Okay, well let's just lean into it.
I wanna hear all about your sex life.
You say she's better, how so?
Be specific.
She's really leaning into
this femme top identity.
Sometimes I just wanted her to strap up.
Amen.
Yeah, but at the same time,
she's gotten really into
slapping me around in bed.
It's fun.
Sounds like it.
So you really haven't explored voyeurism?
Bri, she's so possessive.
I mean, I'm not gonna lie.
I low key like it that way.
High key.
It's misogynistic.
High key.
Okay, it's high key misogynistic.
Yes!
Okay.
I like knowing that my girl is my girl,
and she likes knowing that I'm hers, too.
Mmhmm.
So, no, you can't watch.
She's not into that.
Fine.
I will just have to believe that,
but I think that we would
have a really good time.
See, but she doesn't actually like you.
That's not true.
I'm irresistible.
Okay.
Anyways, this has been fun.
We should do it again.
About three months from now?
Lunch?
Sounds about right.
Mmhmm.
(laughter)
Bye.
See you soon.
Thank you for taking me out to dinner.
I've gotta spoil you sometimes.
(laughter)
(audience laughter)
Work's going well.
Peggy says I might be up for a promotion.
Oh! Congrats!
Yeah, thank you.
I need that extra cash.
I think I need new tires on the car,
and I can barely afford maintenance as is.
Well, you deserve it.
Yeah, I know, I'm working hard.
Do you know about when
you're gonna get it?
Nah, I don't know.
I'm just gonna keep working.
Okay.
Doing my thing, that's what I do.
You know, to take care of us.
How was the food?
I loved it.
Oh, yeah.
Where'd you find the restaurant?
Cause I know you didn't find it.
It was Peggy.
I knew it!
Mmhmm.
I'm gonna need her to find
a really good brunch place
since you don't wanna wait.
I'm not waiting (mumbles).
Okay.
Safe word.
Banana.
You're my girl.
(laughter)
(audience laughter)
Have you missed me?
Yes.
Good girl.
You ready?
Yes.
Good.
Grown folks shit.
(audience laughter)
About bending, scratching,
biting, spanking.
(whip crack)
Oh!
Strapping, licking, eating.
(whip crack)
Oh!
Things like roses are red,
and nipples are meant to be bitten,
and shit like when she
smiles, the sun comes up,
but when her ass is up,
hopefully the shades are down.
(whip crack)
Oh!
Late at night, when the dogs asleep,
and the cable bill ain't been paid,
and it's dark as fuck, we fuck.
Slowly, naked, wetness seeping.
Sweat dripping.
(whip crack)
(grunting)
Oh!
Friction causing reactions,
making fuck faces to the sounds of,
"For only two payments of
$19.99, this can be yours."
Oh, we fuck.
Poetic nonsense that only
makes sense to her and I.
You ready?
Yes.
(moaning)
(sighing)
(intense moaning)
(ecstatic screaming)
(laughter)
My good girl.
(giggling)
(audience laughter)
(guitar strumming quietly)
(bang)
She beats me
beautifully.
Threatens me with lashes,
even when I'm good,
and that is often.
(smacking)
Why we bad when the
punishment is still the same?
So I, like all good girls, fall
to her feet when she enters,
hoping for small treats of tongue on skin,
resting in hollows (snapping
drowns out speaker).
Failing that, I seek
touches of the painful sort.
(smacking)
Nails embedded where skin connects
in the oddest of fashions,
hovering, areas never seen by this side.
(giggling)
You like that?
(audience laughter)
Oops!
Relax!
Tears falling because
she loves them from me,
because she causes them in me.
She loves me, I think,
that's why she beats me
beautifully.
(smacking)
Bye.
(audience cheering)
(club music)
Hey stranger!
Hey lady!
I didn't know you were back in town.
It's been a minute.
Yeah, I've been back in town
for like one or two months,
and it's been two years.
That's why I'm surprised
I haven't seen you by now.
Oh, the number and the
address haven't changed.
If you wanted to see me, you could have.
Why?
I wasn't ready.
Look, being gay was so damn easy for you.
You wore your rainbow gear
like a badge of courage
and shot the finger to
everyone who didn't agree.
I didn't know if I would ever be there.
I wasn't there yet.
(sighs)
Okay, you were convinced that my momma
and my family would be
okay with us, with it,
and you barely met my mom.
How could you know?
All right, it felt like you were trying
to force me to be you or a lesbian or dyke
or whatever you wanna
call it, so I bounced.
You just kept pushing this idea
of what being gay was onto me,
and I didn't wanna hang
with your gay friends.
I didn't wanna come out at work,
but you dropping by demanding
a kiss before leaving
sure as hell wasn't
gonna keep it that way.
I didn't even wanna go to Pride.
I was still trying to figure
out what the fuck Pride was.
But you wouldn't stop, so I stopped.
I figured you'd be okay.
I figured that gay coalition
would help you get over me or whatever,
but it's not like I was your first.
You were mine, and love
doesn't cure everything,
but all of your exes were always around
ready to jump back into
something with you anyway.
I mean, who the hell is
friends with all of their exes?
Lesbians.
(audience applause)
Okay, Bri.
Okay.
So, let me get this straight.
Instead of just flat out saying
that you didn't think you were gay
or you weren't ready, you just leave?
Instead of saying, "I'm not
ready, Bri, you're rushing me,"
you just up and leave?
See, you told me you
didn't like my friends
because they were messy,
not because they were gay.
You told me that your boss didn't like it
when partners came into the office
because it disrupted workflow
or some shit like that,
and I believed you.
I only asked to kiss you in public once,
and I thought that maybe
if we went to Pride,
and we held hands in public,
and you saw other couples
like us making it work,
maybe, but no.
You decided to just up and leave
with no call, no email, not
even a fucking text message.
You didn't tell me shit.
All you wanted was your
pussy aiming to be out
before anyone noticed you in the morning,
and I still tried.
I thought that maybe our love
could weather this storm,
that we could make it work.
But, fuck, do you think
that you're the first person
to realize that they weren't straight
and to come out of the damn closet?
And, yeah, my exes, they kept saying,
"She on the bad shit."
And I said, "No, no, she's scared."
So scared that you up and leave
like the punk ass that they said you were.
I begged your mother for your number!
I drove to her house and your apartment
until I thought they
would call the cops on me.
No!
Until I ran out of words to beg you,
and nothing.
And yet here you stand, two years later,
like nothing ever happened,
like you didn't just up and leave
like the punk ass that you
say you are, that you are.
So, yeah, I'm wearing my
rainbow badge with pride.
Here's a fuck you.
(club music)
(audience applause)
Uh, babe?
Babe?
My scalp is itching.
You want me to grease your scalp, Kai?
No.
You know what's gonna--
You don't have to.
Sit down.
I'll do it, just let me
put the kids to sleep.
(audience laughter)
(exhaling)
(coughing)
Baby?
I love the feeling of
your fingers in my scalp.
Mmm, I love it.
Next time, you don't even
attempt to dry your hair,
you have to figure this
shit out, you got it?
Yes.
Okay, good.
Do you want me to braid your hair?
Uh, would you?
Yeah, turn around.
Let me see.
(audience laughter)
Mmm, baby, you smell so good.
Turn around.
(audience laughter)
Mmm, baby, your skin is so sweet and soft.
It's...
Baby, let me take away your stress.
Let me taste you.
Just a little one?
Okay!
(audience laughter)
I promise to help with the kids more.
(audience laughter)
I'm sorry I didn't clean the kitchen.
(audience laughter)
Okay.
And I'm sorry I only mowed the front yard
and not the back yard.
One of the babies found a snake.
It was just a garden snake, but--
(audience laughter)
(heavy breathing)
I'm sorry I didn't dry my hair...
All right.
Okay.
(audience laughter)
(heavy breathing)
(audience laughter)
(moaning)
(ecstatic screaming)
(high-pitched screaming)
(squealing)
Oh, Daddy!
(ecstatic screaming)
(moaning)
(ecstatic screaming)
(heavy panting)
Whoo!
(deep exhalation)
Baby, I might need you to
grease my scalp once again.
(audience laughter
drowns out Kai speaking)
Later on, though.
Okay.
(deep sigh)
(audience applause)
(low ambient music)
I'm singing softly.
Love don't live here anymore.
She wraps her legs round my soul,
cushioning me from the world.
As we do.
Black.
Girl.
Love.
Not sex.
Love.
Singing.
Boning.
Listening.
Speaking.
Accepting that...
ALL SPEAKERS: Black girl love.
It hurts sometimes.
Pain-filled pleasure.
Telling tales of now and then.
As she splits me in half...
Only to see me...
[Bri And Kai Together] In
the middle of the night.
Reminding me of us.
Around tears of mine.
As we do black girl...
ALL SPEAKERS: Love.
(audience cheering)
