I TELL YA, I FEEL A LITTLE
WEIRD.
IT'S A LITTLE ODD TONIGHT
BECAUSE
TONIGHT MARKS THE END OF THE
PRESIDENCY OF BARACK HUSSEIN
OBAMA, AND WHETHER OR NOT YOU
EVER VOTED FOR HIM, WE CAN ALL
AGREE, EIGHT YEARS LATER, IT'S
STILL KIND OF CRAZY THAT HIS
MIDDLE NAME IS "HUSSEIN."
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE GOT ELECTED.
( LAUGHTER )
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED DURING THE
OBAMA YEARS -- THE GREAT
RECESSION, THE AFFORDABLE CARE
ACT, THAT BLACK AND BLUE DRESS.
>> JON: IT WAS WHITE AND GOLD!
>> STEPHEN: WE ARE NOT DOING
THIS AGAIN!
>> JON: YOU'RE CRAZY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: NOW, I TRIED TO COME
UP WITH A WAY TO TALK ABOUT
BARACK OBAMA'S LEGACY TONIGHT,
BUT AFTER LOOKING AT THE SCOPE
OF HIS PRESIDENCY, I REALIZED
THAT ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY CAN
SUM UP THE LAST EIGHT YEARS IN A
FEW MINUTES WOULD HAVE TO BE A
DELUSIONAL EGOMANIAC.
>> DID SOMEONE SAY "DELUSIONAL
EGOMANIAC?"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: WHO'S THAT?
>> IT'S ME.
STEPHEN COLBERT.
TALKING TO YOU LIVE FROM MY
CABIN IN THE MOUNTAINS OF
JUSTICE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: UB TALKING TO US
FROM THE PLACE YOU LIVE WITH JON
STEWART?
>> YEAH, JON'S SORRY HE CAN'T BE
HERE.
HE'S OUT IN THE WOODS, TEACHING
A WOUNDED MOOSE TO READ.
>> Stephen: SOUNDS LIKE JOHN.
NOW, IF I REMEMBER CORRECTLY,
YOU'RE NOT THE CHARACTER I
PLAYED FOR TEN YEARS ON ANOTHER
SHOW?
>> NO.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO
SCREAM AT THE LAWYERS, THAT'S MY
IDENTICAL TWIN COUSIN STEPHEN
COLBERT?
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT
IT'S EASY TO TELL US APART.
HE HAS A BIRTHMARK THAT LOOKS
LIKE MARY KATE.
MINE LOOKS LIKE ASHLEY.
>> Stephen: NOTED.
I'M SORRY.
WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU'VE GOT IT
IN YOU TO TALK ABOUT BARACK
OBAMA'S PRESIDENCY?
>> STEPHEN, MY MIDDLE NAME IS
"GOT IT IN ME."
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, THEN I'LL STEP
ASIDE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME CONSERVATIVE PUNDIT
STEPHEN COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪
>> Stephen: YES!
♪
>> Stephen: THANKS, EVERYBODY.
♪
>> HELLO, NATION.
PLEASE, HAVE A SEAT.
YOU DESERVE IT BECAUSE YOU'RE
THE "IT GETTERS."
WELL, WELL, WELL...
AT LONG LAST, OUR
AMERICA-HATING, SECRET-MUSLIM,
LEAD-FROM-BEHIND, TERRORIST
FIST-BUMPING HOPEY-CHANGEY
APOLOGIST-IN-CHIEF IS LEAVING
OFFICE.
I'VE GOT JUST ONE THING TO SAY
TO HIM, AND IT'S TONIGHT'S
"WERD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANKS, OBAMA.
LOOK, I'LL ADMIT, BARACK OBAMA
MADE A FEW GOOD CHOICES.
FOR INSTANCE --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
-- HE EXPANDED THE DRONE
PROGRAM, SPIED ON AMERICAN
CITIZENS THROUGH THE N.S.A., LET
THE WALL STREET BANKS GET EVEN
BIGGER, AND NEVER CLOSED
GUANTANAMO.
BUT OTHER THAN THAT, AND I DON'T
WANT TO EXAGGERATE HERE-- EVERY
YEAR OF THE OBAMA REGIME FELT
LIKE HE WAS STRANGLING A BALD
EAGLE WITH AN AMERICAN FLAG
WHILE TAKING A DUMP ON AN APPLE
PIE.
THAT'S WHY I WANT TO SAY,
THANKS, OBAMA.
YOU REMINDED GUYS LIKE ME WHAT
WE TRULY STAND FOR-- THE
OPPOSITE OF WHATEVER YOU SAID.
OBAMA SAID HE WAS BORN IN THE
UNITED STATES, SO WE SAID HE
WASN'T.
OBAMA SAID WE SHOULD SAVE THE
AMERICAN AUTO INDUSTRY, SO WE
SAID, LET IT DIE.
OF COURSE, OPPOSING EVERYTHING
HE SAID SOMETIMES MEANT
ABANDONING OUR BELIEFS.
JUST TAKE "OBAMACARE"--
HE SAID IT WAS GOING TO HELP
PEOPLE.
WE SAID THAT WAS SOCIALISM, EVEN
THOUGH WE KNOW IT WAS BASED ON
ROMNEYCARE.
( LAUGHTER )
STILL, THROUGHOUT EVERYTHING,
OBAMA WAS OUR NORTH STAR.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHATEVER HIS POSITION, WE KNEW
TO POINT THE EMOTIONAL NEEDLE IN
THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
YOU SAY HE EXPANDED CIVIL RIGHTS
BY REPEALING "DON'T ASK DON'T
TELL?"
I SAY, JUST IMAGINE YOU'RE A
MARINE PINNED DOWN IN FALLUJAH,
AND YOUR BUDDY COMES TO SAVE
YOU, BUT THEN YOU REMEMBER HE
KISSES BOYS-- SO YOU SAY FORGET
IT AND JOIN ISIS.
( LAUGHTER )
OH, THE PRESIDENT KILLED BIN
LADEN, YOU SAY?
WELL, I SAY, HE HATED
TRADITIONAL MARRIAGE SO MUCH
THAT HE SENT SEAL TEAM SIX TO
KILL A GUY WITH THREE WIVES.
BUT NOW THE OBAMA ERA IS COMING
TO AN END.
AND ON BEHALF OF EVERYONE WHO
OPPOSED YOU, I JUST WANT TO
SAY... PLEASE DON'T GO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I MEAN, HONESTLY --
WITHOUT YOU, WHAT DO WE BELIEVE?
I MEAN, WE HAD SIX YEARS TO COME
UP WITH SOMETHING TO REPLACE
OBAMACARE-- AND THE BEST WE'VE
GOT RIGHT NOW IS PAUL RYAN GOING
DOOR TO DOOR WITH A TUB OF
FLINTSTONES VITAMINS.
( LAUGHTER )
I KNOW OBAMA WANTED TO BE A
TRANSFORMATIVE PRESIDENT,
AND HE WAS -- HE TRANSFORMED ME.
AND NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT
IS!
( LAUGHTER )
AND NOW, FRANKLY, WITHOUT HIM IN
OPPOSITION, I'M SCARED TO BE
ALONE WITH MY OWN THOUGHTS!
IT'S LIKE THAT SONG ABOUT HOW
FUN IT IS TO PAVE PARADISE AND
PUT UP A PARKING LOT -- YOU
DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TILL
IT'S GONE.
SO, I KNOW, THE CONSTITUTION
SAYS YOU'VE GOTTA GO, BUT I'LL
MISS YA.
YOU WERE A WORTHY ADVERSARY, A
LEADER OF VISION, PATIENCE,
DIGNITY, PASSION, AND HUMANITY.
AND IT REALLY FELT GOOD FIGHTING
FOR THE OPPOSITE OF ALL THAT.
AND WITH OUR NEXT PRESIDENT, I
THINK WE WON.
SO FOR THE LAST TIME -- FROM ME,
THE REAL STEPHEN COLBERT -- I
JUST WANT TO SAY, THANKS OBAMA.
AND THAT'S "THE WERD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
OTHER STEPHEN COLBERT AND JOHNNY
GALECKI.
