I was recently home
in Boston, and my mother--
[cheer]
Thank you.
My mother Irena referred
to the singer Celine Dion--
Listen to me now.
She referred to the singer
Celine Dion
as Salon Dijon.
I honestly don't know why we're
not all doing backflips
right now.
Salon Dijon
was said to me in a room
with air in it.
I heard it, remembered it,
and brought it to the show.
That is a gift.
I haven't even added anything.
It's like a cat
bringing a dead bird.
It's a treasure.
And it wasn't like this--
it wasn't like,
"Peter, who's that singer,
"French-Canadian,
I don't know, Salon Dijon?
"I don't know.
What's her name? I don't know.
Salon, is that it?
Salon Dijon? I don't know."
It wasn't like that.
It was like this.
"Peter, your father
got me tickets
to my favorite
recording artist..."
[laughter]
"Salon Dijon."
Just an expensive mustard rinse
of a performer.
"Ooh. I love Salon.
"I hope she plays
my favorite song
"from my favorite movie,
 Big Boat Iceberg.
"That's my favorite movie.
"Starring my favorite actor,
Leonardo DiPizzaplace.
"He...
"is a dream.
"♪ Here there under the stairs ♪
I love the lyrics."
None of those
are the lyrics, Mom.
So I don't know if you can tell
by my overall vibe
I am a friendly fellow.
Kind of guy who likes to get
to the airport
a couple hours early,
get a few white wines in me,
and start telling old people
they still got it.
That's the kind--
High-fiving babies.
That sort of thing.
I don't feel like I belong
in comedy.
People going out,
drinking
slippery American cocktails,
having sex after.
I don't belong
in the nightclub scene.
Look at me.
Huh-huh!
This face doesn't--
Hi, how you doing?
Fixed your taillight
while you were sleeping.
No charge.
That's--
[laughter]
I don't belong
in a comedy club.
I like to think
that there are millions
and millions
of different universes,
each slightly different
from the last.
And this universe,
the one we're all in currently,
is the only one
where I'm not a youth pastor.
[laughter]
Does that resonate with you?
I shouldn't be on a fancy stage
right now.
I should be
in a carpeted gymnasium
with an acoustic guitar
with a rainbow strap
just like...
Who wants to rap about the Lord?
Let's do this.
Let's get some testimonies
going.
Tyler, I love those testes,
buddy.
Break out those testes.
But no one will tell me
why that's funny.
Yeah!
[laughter]
Corny guy.
I always like doing
something silly up top.
This is a guy telling
his Latino friend...
that their soccer team finally
broke their losing streak.
Okay?
Guy telling his Latino friend
that their soccer team finally
broke their losing streak.
[laughter]
"Juan!"
[laughter]
"We won one, Juan!
"Juan, we won one!
"We finally won one, Juan!
"Where were you
when we won one, Juan?
"We finally won one, Juan.
"One is what we won, Juan.
One is what we won.
"It was one to one
for the longest time, Juan.
"Then we won one, Juan.
Penalty kicks."
If that doesn't unlock the safe
where you keep your joy,
maybe lube up the dial
a little bit.
Just a little bit.
For yourself.
[applause]
We're having a good time.
That is the worst thing to do
when you're actually having
a good time,
is to declare it.
I do that all the time.
If I'm at a party
and we are having
a fun time, I'll go,
"Oh, man, fun with friends."
[laughter]
Not anymore.
You just ruined it.
I'll actually teach you guys
the worst thing
you can say.
Do you guys want to learn
the worst thing
you could say?
I figured it out.
If you're at a party
and you actually
are having a fun time,
wait for there to be a lull
in your little horseshoe
of friends,
statistically every 11 minutes,
then just look at them and go,
"Oh, man,
this party is McDonald's."
[laughter]
"I'm lovin' it."
[applause]
That's it!
That's the worst thing
you can say.
Feel how you feel right now?
Violated.
That joke changes
your core temperature.
The feeling of hearing that joke
is the feeling of getting hit in
the face with a living lobster.
That's what that joke
feels like.
And everyone falls for it.
I don't care
how smart you are.
Like,
This party's McDonald's.
What?
What do you--
what do you mean--
what does he mean by that?
What do you mean
by that, sir?
I'm lovin' it.
Fuck you.
Fuck you, sir.
Everyone falls for it.
You have this.
This is a tool
in your tool belt now.
You didn't know
you were gonna leave better
than you came.
If you're on a date...
you just don't give a shit
about the date,
you knew right away,
you're like, "Nope,"
sabotage the date.
Wait for a lull
and just look at them
and be like, "Oh, man...
this date is McDonald's."
Then there's a timing to it.
It's a three count
or two dry swallows.
"I'm lov--"
They're gone.
They are not there.
They are not there
when you come back.
