>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY,
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING TONIGHT?
I CAN'T HEAR YOU!
BECAUSE I AM ALONE.
SO ALONE.
I'M ALONE, RIGHT, PETE?
>> OH, YOU ARE SO ALONE.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
NOW AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY BLUE
BLAZER I'M ALL CRESSED UP FOR A
COCKTAIL PARTY, BUT EVIDENTLY,
THE NETWORK THINKS WE SHOULD DO
A SHOW.
WHAT'S UP?
OKAY, HERE'S BIG NEWS.
IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY
THERE'S BIG NEWS, BECAUSE THERE
IS NO DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY
BECAUSE TODAY, SENATOR BERNIE
SANDERS ANNOUNCED HE WAS
DROPPING OUT OF THE 2020
DEMOCRATIC RACE.
I GUESS DURING A PANDEMIC, CRAZY
IDEAS LIKE MEDICARE FOR ALL JUST
DON'T RESONATE.
BERNIE ADDRESSED HIS SUPPORTERS
THIS AFTERNOON IN A LIVE STREAM.
>> I WANT TO THANK THE MANY
HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF
AMERICANS WHO ATTENDED OUR
RALLIES, TOWN MEETINGS, AND
HOUSE PARTIES FROM NEW YORK TO
CALIFORNIA.
SOME OF THESE EVENTS HAD OVER
25,000 PEOPLE.
SOME HAD A FEW HUNDRED.
SOME HAD A DOZEN.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, LISTENING
TO BERNIE MAKES ME NOSTALGIC FOR
A TIME IN AMERICA WHEN ANYTHING
SEEMED POSSIBLE, LIKE HAVING A
DOZEN PEOPLE IN A ROOM.
BERNIE WAS GRATEFUL FOR EVERYONE
WHO CONTRIBUTED TO HIS
GRASSROOTS MOVEMENT.
>> I WANT TO THANK THE TWO
MILLION AMERICANS WHO HAVE
CONTRIBUTED FINANCIALLY TO OUR
CAMPAIGN.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR TEN MILLION
CONTRIBUTIONS AVERAGING $18.50.
>> Stephen: (AS BERNIE)
$18.50, WHICH I AM TOLD THESE
DAYS IS ENOUGH TO GET YOU HALF A
CLOROX WIPE."
I'M GOING TO MISS THAT.
SANDERS MADE SURE HIS SUPPORTERS
KNEW THAT THE FIGHT FOR ECONOMIC
JUSTICE IS NOT OVER.
>> NELSON MANDELA, ONE OF THE
GREAT FREEDOM FIGHTERS IN MODERN
WORLD HISTORY, FAMOUSLY SAID--
AND I QUOTE-- "IT ALWAYS SEEMS
IMPOSSIBLE UNTIL IT'S DONE."
>> Stephen: TO WHICH JOE BIDEN
REPLIED:
 ( AS BIDEN )
"HEY, MY OLD BUDDY NELSON!
YOU KNOW I GOT ARRESTED WITH HIM
IN WAKANDA!"
THEN BERNIE BROKE THE HARD NEWS
AS GENTLY AS HE COULD.
>> I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU
BETTER NEWS, BUT I THINK YOU
KNOW THE TRUTH, AND THAT IS THAT
WE ARE NOW SOME 300 DELEGATES
BEHIND VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN, AND
THE PATH TOWARD VICTORY IS
VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE.
>> Stephen: BERNIE SANDERS IS
SAYING BERNIE SANDERS CAN'T
WIN?
MAN, HE IS GOING TO CATCH HELL
FROM BERNIE SANDERS SUPPORTERS.
NOW, I'LL BE SPEAKING WITH
SENATOR SANDERS LATER TONIGHT,
HIS FIRST INTERVIEW FOLLOWING
THE ANNOUNCEMET.
THIS WILL BE THE FANth TIME
I INTERVIEWED HIM.
I WILL THANK HIM FOR HIS
CAMPAIGN, AND PRESENT HIM WITH
HIS COLBERT LOYALTY CARD,
DIAMOND CLASS MEMBERSHIP.
BAD NEWS, BERNIE, ONLY 1% OF MY
GUESTS GET THAT!
TURNS OUT, BERNIE'S LAST PRIMARY
WAS YESTERDAY IN WISCONSIN.
AND IT WAS ODD.
I WOULD CALL SO FAR AS TO CALL
IT A CLUSTER-ODD.
SEE, THERE'S THIS PANDEMIC--
MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT.
BUT DESPITE THAT, THE WISCONSIN
G.O.P. FORCED THE STATE TO HOLD
THE ELECTION YESTERDAY.
MAKING PEOPLE STAND IN LINE FOR
HOURS ON END IN THE MIDDLE OF A
PANDEMIC IS CLEARLY VOTER
ENDANGERMENT.
REMEMBER LINCOLN'S IMMORTAL
WORDS:
"GOVERNMENT OF THE PEOPLE, BY
THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE,
SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THE EARTH.
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T VOTE IN A
PANDEMIC.
STAY SOMEPLACE SAFE, LIKE A
THEATER."
TOO SOON?
NOW, ALMOST ALL OF THE POLLING
STATIONS WERE CLOSED BECAUSE
POLL WORKERS DIDN'T FEEL SAFE.
BUT REPUBLICAN ASSEMBLY SPEAKER
ROBIN VOS CALMED FEARS BY
TELLING VOTERS, "YOU ARE
INCREDIBLY SAFE TO GO OUT."
WOW, THAT IS REASSURING.
OH, I'M BEING TOLD WE ACTUALLY
HAVE THAT STATEMENT ON VIDEO.
JIM, LET'S WATCH HIM MAKING THAT
REASSURING STATEMENT.
>> YOU ARE INCREDIBLY SAFE TO
GO OUT.
>> Stephen: YES, PAY NO
ATTENTION TO HIS FACE MASK,
GLOVES, AND FULL SURGICAL
OUTFIT.
YOU ARE INCREDIBLY SAFE.
AND THE WISCONSIN FIRE MARSHALL
ISSUED THIS FOLLOW-UP
ANNOUNCEMENT:
>> THE FIRE IS UNDER CONTROL!
EVERYBODY BACK IN THE BARN!
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF FLAMING
IDIOTS, DONALD TRUMP.
THE PRESIDENT HAS CAUGHT A LOT
OF BLAME FOR HIS LATE RESPONSE
TO THE CORONAVIRUS, BUT AT
YESTERDAY'S DAILY SHOUT-FEST, HE
ADDRESSED THAT CRITICISM HEAD ON
BY SAYING, "LOOK OVER THERE."
>> THE W.H.O.-- THAT'S THE WORLD
HEALTH ORGANIZATION-- THEY HAVE
BEEN WRONG ABOUT A LOT OF
THINGS.
AND THEY HAD A LOT OF
INFORMATION EARLY.
THEY CALLED IT WRONG.
THEY CALLED IT WRONG.
THEY REALLY-- THEY MISSED THE
CALL.
THEY COULD HAVE CALLED IT MONTHS
EARLIER.
THEY WOULD HAVE KNOWN, AND THEY
SHOULD'VE KNOWN.
AND THEY PROBABLY DID KNOW.
>> Stephen: I THINK HE'S
PROJECTING.
 ( AS TRUMP )
"THE W.H.O. TOTALLY SHANKED IT
ON CORONAVIRUS.
AND THE WAY THEY TREATED THEIR
FIRST WIFE TOTAL DISGRACE.
BY THE WAY, THERE'S NO WAY
YOU'RE 239 POUNDS, W.H.O.
NOT FOOLING ANYBODY.
IT'S SAD.
IT'S-- IT'S SAD."
TRUMP PROMISED HE WOULD MAKE THE
W.H.O. PAY FOR THE THINGS THAT
HE CLAIMS THEY DID OR DID NOT
DO.
>> WE'RE GOING TO PUT A HOLD ON
MONEY SENT TO THE W.H.O.-- WE'RE
GOING TO PUT A VERY POWERFUL
HOLD ON IT.
>> Stephen: YES, HE IS GOING TO
CUT OFF AMERICA'S CONTRIBUTION
TO THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION
DURING A PANDEMIC.
"HELP I'M BEING ROBBED.
QUICK, FIRE THE POLICE!"
IT'S A CONTROVERSIAL MOVE, BUT
THE PRESIDENT STUCK TO HIS
GUNS, FOR 16 MINUTES, AND THEN
HE SAID THIS.
>> IS THE TIME TO FREEZE
FUNDING TO THE W.H.O. DURING A
PANDEMIC?
>> NO, MAYBE NOT.
I'M NOT SAYING I'M GOING TO DO
IT, BUT I'M GOING TO LOOK
AT IT.
I SAID WE WILL LOOK AT IT.
>> YOU DID SAY--
>> NO, I DIDN'T.
>> Stephen: YES, YOU DID!
HE'S REWRITING HISTORY IN THE
SAME PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE HE
MADE IT.
THIS IS LIKE J.F.K. SAYING THIS:
>> WE CHOOSE TO GO TO THE MOON
IN THIS DECADE AND DO THE OTHER
THINGS, NOT BECAUSE THEY ARE
EASY, BUT BECAUSE-- WAIT, WHO
SAID WE'RE GOING TO THE MOON?
NO WE'RE NOT.
STANLEY KUBRICK'S GOING TO
FAKE IT.
>> Stephen: NOW, THE W.H.O.
DID NOT IGNORE EARLY WARNINGS
ABOUT COVID-19.
DONALD TRUMP DID.
YESTERDAY, TRUMP EXPLAINED WHY
HE DIDN'T ACT ON THE WARNINGS.
>> YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,
I AM A CHEERLEADER FOR THIS
COUNTRY.
I DON'T WANT TO CREATE HAVOC AND
SHOCK AND EVERYTHING ELSE.
I THINK A PRESIDENT HAS TO BE A
CHEERLEADER FOR THEIR COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, SIR,
PLEASE DON'T FORCE MY GRAPHICS
DEPARTMENT TO PHOTOSHOP DONALD
TRUMP WEARING A CHEERLEADING--
OKAY, OH, MY GOD!
JIMMY, PLEASE, TAKE IT DOWN!
THANK YOU.
SECOND, THE PRESIDENT IS NOT
A CHEERLEADER.
THE PRESIDENT IS A QUARTERBACK.
TOM BRADY DOESN'T PULL EVERYBODY
INTO THE HUDDLE AND SAY, "OKAY,
BRING IT IN, GUYS.
I'VE GOT A THEORY IN A COUPLE OF
MONTHS WHEN IT GETS WARMER, THE
OTHER TEAMS ARE GOING TO GO AWAY
LIKE A MIRACLE.
OKAY, READY?
DO NOTHING.
WAS THAT LOUD?
WAS THAT LOUD.
HEY, THERE WAS A MAJOR WHITE
HOUSE STAFF DEPARTURE YESTERDAY.
WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY
STEPHANIE GRISHAM-- NOT SEEN
HERE, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT HER.
THIS IS STEPHANIE GRISHAM.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT, BECAUSE IN
HER NINE MONTHS ON THE JOB,
GRISHAM NEVER HELD A DAILY PRESS
BRIEFING.
IN NINE MONTHS, SHE COULD HAVE
GOTTEN PREGNANT AND HAD THE
BABY-- AND MAYBE SHE DID,
BECAUSE SHE NEVER HAD A PRESS
BRIEFING.
HOW WOULD WE KNOW.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
"CHOOSE A JOB YOU DON'T HAVE TO
DO, AND YOU'LL NEVER WORK A DAY
IN YOUR LIFE."
SO WHO'S TAKING GRISHAM'S PLACE?
WELL, TRUMP'S FOURTH PRESS
SECRETARY WILL BE TRUMP CAMPAIGN
SPOKESPERSON AND DISCOUNT
IVANKA HALLOWEEN COSTUME,
KAYLEIGH McENANY.
McENANY HAS JUST STARTED THE
JOB, BUT SHE PROVED SIX WEEKS
AGO THAT SHE'S READY TO
MISINFORM THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ON
DAY ONE.
>> THIS PRESIDENT WILL ALWAYS
PUT AMERICA FIRST.
HE WILL ALWAYS PROTECT AMERICAN
CITIZENS.
WE WILL NOT SEE DISEASES LIKE
THE CORONAVIRUS COME HERE.
>> Stephen: WELL, THAT DID NOT
AGE WELL.
BUT SHE WAS HALF RIGHT.
WHEN IT COMES TO THE PANDEMIC,
TRUMP HAS DEFINITELY PUT AMERICA
FIRST.
BUT THERE IS SOME PROMISING NEWS
WHEN IT COMES TO TREATING
COVID-19, BECAUSE A NEW STUDY
SHOWS THAT CORONAVIRUS PATIENTS
CAN BENEFIT FROM A BLOOD
TRANSFUSION FROM SOMEONE WHO HAS
RECOVERED FROM THE DISEASE.
AMAZING.
PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS THE
WRONG WAY BUT, TOM HANKS, WE ARE
COMING FOR YOUR BLOOD.
THE NEW TREATMENT INVOLVES
HARVESTING DISEASE-RESISTANT
ANTIBODIES AND INJECTING THEM IN
SOMEONE WHO'S CURRENTLY FIGHTING
COVID-19.
AND IN THE CASE OF ONE TEST
SUBJECT, "11 DAYS AFTER HIS
FIRST SYMPTOMS HAD APPEARED, HE
RECEIVED AN INFUSION OF
SO-CALLED CONVALESCENT PLASMA,
AND THE FOLLOWING DAY, HIS BLOOD
TESTED NEGATIVE FOR INFECTION."
OKAY, BLOOD IS THE CURE.
SO IT'S TIME TO ISSUE A
LONG-OVERDUE FORMAL APOLOGY TO
VAMPIRES.
VAMPIRES, I'M SORRY.
PLEASE FORGIVE US, YOU
INSATIABLE PRINCES OF DARKNESS.
ALL THIS TIME, WE CALLED YOU
MONSTERS FOR ABDUCTING YOUNG
PEOPLE AND SUCKING THEM DRY LIKE
CAPRI SUNS.
WHEN ALL THIS TIME, YOU WERE
JUST PRACTICING SELF-CARE.
SORRY ABOUT THE STAKES THROUGH
THE HEART.
MY BOOD.
NOW, LAST WEEK, TO STOP THE
TRANSMISSION OF CORONAVIRUS, THE
C.D.C. ISSUED NEW GUIDELINES
SAYING IF YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE
YOUR HOUSE, YOU SHOULD WEAR A
MASK.
BUT IF YOU WEAR ONE TO THE BANK,
BE SURE TO ALSO WEAR A T-SHIRT
THAT SAYS, "NOT A ROBBER."
BUT, OF COURSE, THERE'S A
SHORTAGE OF MASKS FOR HEALTHCARE
WORKERS, SO THE NEW C.D.C.
GUIDELINES EXPLICITLY TELL
PEOPLE TO MAKE THEM AT HOME FROM
COMMON MATERIALS.
SO, JUST MAKE THE MASKS OUT OF
THE STUFF YOU HOARDED, LIKE
EMPTY TOILET PAPER ROLLS.
WELL, TO GET THE WORD OUT THERE
THAT WE ALL NEED TO BE COVERING
OUR FACES, A GROUP OF CONCERNED
CELEBRITIES WHO HAVE ALWAYS BEEN
PRO-MASK HAS JUST RELEASED THIS
NEW P.S.A.:
>> THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE
ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE SOCIETY OF
SUPER VILLAINS REGARDING
COVID-19.
>> REMEMBER TO WEAR A MASK AT
ALL TIMES WHEN IN CONTACT WITH
STRANGERS, NO MATTER HOW
DELICIOUS THEY LOOK.
♪ ♪ ♪
>> IF YOUR MASK HAS A
RESPIRATOR, LIKE MINE, BEST TO
GIVE THAT TO MEDICAL
PROFESSIONALS.
>> IF YOU DON'T HAVE A SEWING
MACHINE, DO WHAT I DID-- LAYER A
T-SHIRT UNDER A HOCKEY MASK.
>> BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MASK?
DOES THIS WORK?
>> NO, IT'S GOT TO COVER YOUR
MOUTH.
>> NO ONE COMES TO THE OPERA
ANYWAY, SO I'M SAFE.
>> SO, REMEMBER, WEAR A MASK.
>> BECAUSE F FEWER PEOPLE WHO GE
SICK FEWER WE CAN TERRORIZE, AND
THAT'S NOT A WORLD ANY OF US
WANT TO DESTROY.
>> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.
WHEN WE RETURN, I WILL HAVE THE
FIRST INTERVIEW WITH SENATOR
BERNIE SANDERS SINCE HIS BIG
ANNOUNCEMENT.
STICK AROUND.
