- It is lovely to meet you.
I'm such a big fan.
I totally told you that
in the room backstage,
but I am.
- Thank you so much,
and vice versa.
What a beautiful room, a nice band anyway,
I just wanted to say.
- Thank you.
- Welcome.
That's my band, actually,
the foursome, that's my band.
Yeah.
- Just before,
cause I said this and
I don't say it lightly,
but your song Broken and Beautiful
is something that my kid and I watched,
it was before we even did this gig,
how weird it was.
My kid loves music,
and so every night when I put her to bed,
she's getting a little old for that
but I still love doing it.
Her mom reads,
and on my nights I let her play music,
and that live on Jimmy
Fallon, of all shows.
- Yeah.
- It was moving.
It's really a wonderful--
- Thank you.
Pink wrote that,
but I love that song as well.
But, speaking of your daughter,
your kids go to the same school as mine,
and I've seen that they do
daddy daughter dances there.
- Yes.
- Have you done one?
- Did the waltz, they go
through, you spin them around,
you do the lift them up gently
and set them back down,
and so big, long rehearsal.
(crowd coos)
It was emotional for me,
because you get to spend
so much time with your kid,
go dancing and in rehearsals.
- Cause you'd to learn how to waltz,
you didn't know how to waltz.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.
- Still don't do it very well.
- (laughs) You're still not nailing it?
- No, no.
But it was an emotional
thing for both of us,
which is funny, I said.
She got really nervous before we went out,
and she didn't want to do it.
(Kelly exclaims)
And luckily the dance
instructor at the school,
she talked her back in.
You know, breathe through
it, breathe through it,
get out there, yeah.
- And they all get out there.
I've seen them do one.
I didn't see y'alls,
but I saw this years,
and I was floored.
All these big, huge dads
just standing there
with these little girls.
I was in tears, shocking.
But yeah.
(Tim laughs)
Do your kids?
Not your kids.
Do kids ever recognize
you as Buzz Lightyear
cause your voice?
- What's unusual, it's the voice,
and I think Warner Bro's
cartoons a long time ago,
told the people they did not
want Mel Blanc or anybody
doing the voice outside of
the cartoon environment,
and I understand why.
I'm in Manhattan in an elevator
and a young kid is misbehaving.
Some kids at certain age
just punch you in the crotch,
I don't know what that's about.
- Yeah and it's--
- They're at a certain age--
- Always boys.
- They know it gets your attention.
And so this kid was
punching mom in the leg,
and really going nuts,
so I said, "To infinity and beyond.
"You shouldn't treat your mom like that."
And the kid went.
(Kelly and crowd laugh)
And looked all around the elevator,
and then started crying,
and turned into.
And the mom looking at me,
like now she's mad.
(crowd laughs)
- [Kelly] At you.
At you especially.
- And the kid goes,
"That ugly man swallowed Buzz Lightyear."
(Kelly and crowd laughs)
- Now you can punch him. (laughs)
- I will say, Hanks, my
good buddy, plays Woody,
but who cares about a cowboy.
(Kelly and crowd laugh)
He did a sweet trick for us.
We went to a children's hospital together,
and what he did, it was
such a wonderful idea.
He has these kids,
"Close your eyes for a minute."
And when the kids close their eyes,
then we can do the voices together,
and then they imagine
Woody and Buzz are there.
It's much--
- That's so sweet.
- Oh God, he's a great guy.
And I said, I've learned that lesson,
if anybody wants to
hear it, shut your eyes.
Especially little kids, little ones.
Shut your eyes,
and then I'll go to near them,
say some Buzz Lightyear stuff,
then they don't--
- Don't freak them out
in an elevator? (laughs)
What not to do.
- You want to avoid that,
at all costs anyway.
Freaking people out in elevators,
it's really not a good idea.
- It's a closed space.
(Kelly laughs)
- The only reason you're dropping out
is you don't think you can beat me.
You know, and you know what
I would never put in chili,
chicken. (imitates chicken)
(audience laughs)
- Why are you so upset?
With me out, you're slam dunk to win.
- You know, you remember
when Frazier quit,
Ali only had to fight Trevor Burbick.
Who cares if you beat a dude named Trevor?
(audience laughs)
- I don't care what you say,
I'm done.
- No, you're not done.
- And unlike the champ,
I'm going out on top.
- I don't buy it.
You're not a quitter.
He's not a quitter, he doesn't quit,
except golf, he should quit that.
(audience laughs)
- Welcome back, I'm here with Tim Allen,
and that was a clip
from his hit Fox series
show Last Man Standing.
So congrats on eight seasons,
your eighth season, right?
- Yeah, eighth season, yeah.
(crowd cheers)
- That's amazing.
Shows do not last that long.
- No, it's a--
- You have to be a great show,
and now you're directing, right?
- I direct some episodes,
which is a little,
I've directed movies at the same deal,
you end up getting a very
uncomfortable position here.
I'm sitting there in a podium, actually,
and there's a long pause,
the crowd's in,
cause we have a live
crowd on Tuesday nights,
and I said, "What's all the silence?"
Well Tim, you're supposed
to do something now.
And I go, "Okay, and action!"
No, you, actually in the scene.
- (laughs) Oh, you're doing both roles.
- Oh, oh.
So you've got to leave the podium
and go to the scene,
and it's not the best of worlds,
cause I like performing quite a bit,
but I love all the activity of directing,
meaning the lights, camera,
I love all that kind of stuff.
- Really?
- Yeah, I love working with--
- That sounds chaotic.
- It is a little chaotic,
but I love it, I really do.
- Okay.
Well.
(Tim laughs)
So you live in a house just full of women.
- Yes.
- Which is funny
cause you've a show
called Last Man Standing.
- [Tim] And I came from seven boys.
Seven boys and two girls.
- Oh my Gosh.
Your poor mother.
(both laugh)
- Oh you don't know.
- I can imagine.
I have four.
- Did you blow up your brother again?
Yeah, yeah, again, yeah.
- (laughs) That is true,
what is wrong with boys?
My boys always wanna break something.
- Break something.
You give boys one second
to think for themselves.
(Kelly laughs)
It'll be three words.
Will it burn?
(Kelly laughs)
Just light everything on fire.
We never think of the cure for cancer
or how to get income inequality.
We think, I wonder if that'll explode?
Yeah.
Wonder what happens if you eat that?
- It's so true, it's so true.
I've nothing in common with my boys.
But you've been married for 13 years?
That's a good amount of time, sir.
That's amazing.
(crowd claps)
What's you secret?
Like what's your secret,
and also, what gets on her nerves.
- Men are from Mars, women are from Venus.
I've done my comedy routine
literally all my life
is because I've been around strong women.
My father passed away
when I was a young boy,
so my mom raised us with her sisters
and our grandma.
Women are terrifying to men.
If you've been raised by women,
you don't mess with them.
You know how to avoid them at all costs,
you just avoid them, get away, yeah.
- Just say yes.
- And you just pretty much
learn how to B.S. women,
work their blind spots.
Just yes ma'am.
- Work their blind spots!
- No ma'am, yes ma'am,
you stay out of their way,
cause they will kill you.
(Kelly laughs)
And they won't even think about it.
I brought you in, I'll take you out.
That's how it is.
But we're so different.
My wife will get other
women over sometimes,
they'll enjoy a glass of wine,
and then they go into her closet
and they pick stuff out
and they borrow stuff.
Oh look at that, why don't you take that?
It'll be great, I don't
wear that, blah blah blah.
And I'm watching that.
Can you imagine dudes, in any world.
(Kelly and crowd laugh)
No, any world at all, where you're going,
"Hey Paul, get Stewart,
get a keg, come on over.
"And we'll just try stuff on in my closet.
"Hey, I never wear those corduroys,
"why don't you slip those on?
"Oh yeah."
(crowd claps)
No way.
- (laughs) That's so true.
That's awesome.
Okay, wait.
Everyone has, everyone loves you.
You've done so many things,
but do people, out of
all your stuff though,
do people, when you're
in a hardware store,
do they still do. (grunts)
(Tim grunts)
All the, yeah, yeah.
- That's, grunt for me.
You know, like I'm a little,
one of those little
monkeys that does this.
- [Kelly] Oh, they ask you!
- Yeah they, "Come here, grunt for me.
"Show the kids."
Or a cop pulls me over,
cause I have a very high performance car,
and it was making too much noise.
As soon as the window goes down,
he goes. (grunts)
(Kelly and audience laugh and clap)
But I've--
- Hey, if it keeps you out of a ticket.
I'd (grunts loudly) all day long.
- It actually didn't,
but, so I got a double.
But I'm up in Sacramento,
and my wife and I were going through town,
and a guy who crossed the street,
he goes, "Oh, eh!"
Which, I like that people
think I have to turn round
when they just yell across,
"Eh, eh!"
And of course I do.
And he goes, "Do you, uh, uh, tool belt!"
- Tool belt?
Like, why? (laughs)
- I go, "What?!"
He couldn't quite get the show,
but has something to do with tools,
and it was tool belt,
and I went, "Claw hammer!"
(Kelly laughs)
We went back and forth.
- Shovel!
- Yeah, shovel.
In this world, it's not like
it was in Home Improvement.
Home Improvement was,
I believe at our top,
were 24 million viewers
on a Tuesday night.
- Yeah.
But it's true that it was
such a remarkable thing.
That show, I think.
You've done so many amazing things,
but that show was a huge
staple for a lot of people,
that's why they still--
- Well we did a show.
We got away with stuff.
We did a show on the
Space Shuttle Endeavor.
Live simulcast on Home Improvement.
We had all the astro--
- I missed that one.
- Oh God.
Cause it looked like it was phony!
And they were floating around in there
doing a Tool Time on the, it was the most,
I've got all the stuff at my shop.
I'm just amazed, I'm a space freak.
- [Kelly] I'm a space nerd.
- I just love that stuff,
and I said, "What kind of money was this?
"Who did this?"
Where they're floating around,
cause it was a joke was
I was doing a Tool Time
and they're all sleeping
cause it was so boring.
So they just keep floating around.
But they did it live from
the Endeavor Space Shuttle,
down to earth.
- [Kelly] That's so cool!
- Cool is not the word for it.
- So you still go on the road,
you still tour.
You love stand up, right?
- I love stand up.
- You still tour.
I mean what's your favorite part?
Because I actually used to be
a waitress in a comedy club,
and I loved the comedians
that came through.
You make people laugh,
you make them happy,
you make them escape for a minute.
- The gift for me, is I love that,
I don't like the hotels and travel,
that's getting old to me.
- That gets really old, yeah.
- Still iron my shorts,
still do all my own wardrobe,
but that couple minutes
walking out on stage,
there's a pleasure in that.
They clap to see you.
But there's a couple bits I do.
If they like that, they're
gonna love this one.
Cause if I can get them up here,
I've got one, you won't
even see this one coming.
They're gonna leave
there laughing so hard.
Forget where they are,
but we all have something in common.
Whatever that is that I'm doing,
they have that in common,
and man, there's nothing like it.
- I know, that's why I love humor.
Everyone, it doesn't matter
what culture you're from,
what's happening,
everybody can relate to laughter,
and having those simple moments
like of whatever it is,
an everyday thing that
everybody can kind of relate to.
- I get more out of it than anybody else.
- I get a ton out of it,
when I'm on stage singing.
- I almost say that I'll
almost do it for free.
Almost, would do it for free.
