-President Trump wanted to dig
a trench on the Southern border
and fill it with alligators
and snakes,
and then, he lost his mind
in a series of press conferences
about impeachment.
For more on this,
it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
I don't think it would surprise
you if I said
that some very weird stuff
has been going on
the past few weeks.
I mean, weird stuff's
been going on for four years,
ever since a famously stupid
game show host
came down the escalator
and forced his way
into our hearts like
a stubborn piece of bacon fat.
But the last two weeks
in particular have felt like
that scene from "Ghostbusters"
where the EPA guy opens up
the containment system
and ghosts just start
pouring out into the city.
In fact, I'm pretty sure
I saw the zombie cab driver
on TV defending the president
the other day.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Even putting aside...
even putting aside all
the recent revelations
about Trump colluding
with foreign governments,
we keep learning new details
about just how corrupt,
lawless, and out of his mind
he is.
For example, a new book reports
that Trump wanted to inflict
horrific violence on desperate
migrants seeking asylum,
offered pardons to officials
who broke the law
to build his border wall,
and had some truly insane ideas
for how to fortify that wall.
-"The New York Times"
is reporting new details
about ideas President Trump has
for the Southern border.
Privately, the president
had often talked about
fortifying a border wall
with a water-filled trench
stocked with snakes
or alligators,
prompting aides to seek
a cost estimate.
-That's right. The president
of the United States
wanted to dig
a water-filled trench
and stock it with snakes
and alligators,
you know, like some sort
of inbred medieval king.
At night, he probably drinks
milkshakes from a goblet
while Eric and Don Jr.
joust with golf clubs.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, seriously, think about
how insane this is.
His aides actually had to go out
and get a cost estimate
for this plan.
How do you even do that?
Walk over to the reptile section
at PetSmart
with a map of the border
and be like,
"I don't know, uh..."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Snake's like a foot long.
The border's 2,000 miles.
Can I get a billion snakes?
[ Laughter ]
No, I don't want you to worry
that this snake-filled moat
thing is occupying
too much of the president's time
because he has moved on
to other topics.
For example, President Caligula
over here is also arguing
that impeaching him would
cause a civil war,
accusing Democrats of treason,
claiming the Ukraine
whistle-blower spied on him,
and calling impeachment,
which is a procedure laid out
by the framers in
the Constitution, a coup.
-President Trump ramping up
his attacks
on the impeachment inquiry
engulfing his presidency.
Tweeting overnight, "As I learn
more and more each day,
I am coming to the conclusion
that what is taking place
is not an impeachment.
It is a coup."
-All right, first of all,
the way you know
that tweet is wrong
is because it starts with
"As I learn more each day."
[ Laughter ]
Trump forgets stuff every day.
Today, he forgot there was
an "A" in "moat."
Second, it's not a coup.
It's a process laid out
in the Constitution
by the founding fathers.
It's not like if you
were removed from office,
Democrats would take over
and the military would
storm Trump tower
and rename it the Hillary Hilton
or something.
I mean, the worst thing
that would happen
would be that Mike pence
would become president.
And I assure you,
Democrats do not want
a president Mike Pence either.
For one thing,
taxpayers would have to spend
millions every year
replacing his batteries.
[ Laughter ]
Now, I know you're all worried
about one thing.
It's the big question hanging
over all of this.
And that is how is the president
handling all this emotionally?
What's his state of mind?
How's he holding up?
And the good news is
that judging from
this very sane news conference
he gave in the oval office
this afternoon
with the president of Finland
sitting next to him,
I'd say Trump seems to be
handling it all pretty well.
-Adam Schiff, he's a lowlife.
He should be forced to resign.
The call was perfect.
In fact, Lindsey Graham said,
"I didn't know you could be
so nice."
There's needles and drugs all
over the street.
He says, "Hey, hey,
tell Vlad I'll talk to him
after the election's over.
I'll talk to him."
She went crazy.
She said "We can't impeach him
of this conversation.
That's a great conversation."
President Trump started
screaming, ranting, and raving.
Alligators and snakes.
Skin-piercing spikes.
I said, "Why are you asking
that stupid question?"
Everything "The Washington Post"
does is fake.
It's a fake newspaper.
I don't even use fake anymore.
I call the fake news now
corrupt news.
What happened in 2016
is a disgrace to this country.
-Well, that I agree with.
I mean, some crazy guy...
[ Cheers and applause ]
Some crazy guy lost
the popular vote
and fell ass-backwards into
the presidency,
and now the news has to run
chirons with the words,
and this is real, "Trump denies
wanting snakes, gators,
spikes on border."
[ Laughter ]
I cannot express to you enough
just how deeply off the rails
Trump's performance was today.
I mean, just look at this.
This is an actual photo taken
of the president
of the United States
during an official oval office
meeting this afternoon.
Look at that.
He looks like a rabid groundhog
who just popped out of his hole
and predicted six more weeks
of word vomit.
[ Laughter ]
It looks like a Python
jutting out of the Amazon River.
They should put him in a moat
on the Southern border.
[ Laughter ]
It's not safe to cross!
It's not safe to cross.
So let's try taking these
one at a time.
Trump slammed intelligence
committee chairman Adam Schiff.
Trump has already called
for Schiff to be arrested
for treason, and today,
he attacked Schiff
for criticizing
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
who was on the Ukraine call
himself
and is now threatening
to obstruct
the impeachment inquiry.
-This guy was negative
on Mike Pompeo.
He can't -- you know,
there's an expression.
He couldn't carry
his blank strap.
I won't say it because they'll
say it was so terrible to say.
But that guy couldn't carry
his blank strap.
-Of all the insane stuff
you've said,
why would you think
the word jockstrap
would suddenly be over the line?
This morning, you called
the impeachment inquiry
bull[bleep] on Twitter.
But jockstrap
is beyond the pale?
Or maybe -- maybe --
it's probably possible,
he just couldn't remember
and he kept saying blank
like he was a contestant
on "Password."
-The password is...jock.
-That guy couldn't carry
his blank strap.
[ Laughter ]
-Then, after that performance
in the oval office,
Trump moved locations
from one room to another
where he held a press conference
with the president of Finland.
And at one point, Trump
was asked about his repeated use
of the word "treason"
to describe the whistle-blower
and Democrats
who were investigating him.
-Do you consider anyone
who opposes you treasonous?
-No, no.
I consider when they lie.
When they stand before
our great body
in our great chamber
and they make up a story
that's fiction like Schiff did.
He took that perfect
conversation I had
with the Ukrainian President,
and he made it into a total lie.
Believe it or not, I watch
my words very carefully.
-I don't believe it.
I don't believe it at all.
You ramble like a guy
who just got handed a speedball
in the bathroom at studio 54.
[ As Trump ] [ Inhales sharply ]
Whoo! Come on, baby!
Let's collude with
a foreign adversary
and then dance our asses off
till sunrise, ha, ha, ha, ha!
[ Laughter ]
In fact, throughout today,
Trump used the word "treason"
multiple times.
And at one point,
he even said it
as if he was quoting
someone else,
a rhetorical tactic he used
not once, but twice.
-Some people even say
it was treason.
There are those that think
I'm a very stable genius.
-Those people are you.
You're quoting yourself.
I'd say he's quoting
the voices in his head,
but I'm pretty sure the only
things in his head are...
-Alligators and snakes.
[ Laughter ]
-Also, who would you be quoting?
No one else has ever said the
words "stable genius" before.
It's like "beautiful wall."
You're the only one who says it.
And then, when a reporter
tried to ask Trump
a very simple question --
what was he trying to accomplish
on the call with
the Ukrainian president
if he wasn't digging up dirt
on Joe Biden,
Trump got very testy.
-Ask a question please.
-Thank you, sir.
-What about Mr. Biden?
-What does he want about Biden?
What did you want him
to look into on Biden?
-Look, Biden and his son
are stone-cold crooked.
And you know it.
His son walks out with millions
of dollars.
The kid knows nothing.
You know it, and so do we.
Go ahead, ask a question.
-The question, sir, was what did
you want President Zelensky
to do about Vice President Biden
and his son Hunter?
-Are you talking to me?
-Yeah.
It was just a follow-up
of what I just asked you, sir.
-Listen, listen. Are you ready?
We have the president
of Finland.
Ask him a question.
-I have one for him.
I just wanted to follow up
on the one that I asked you.
-Did you hear me?
-What did you want?
-Did you hear me?
-Yes.
-Ask him a question.
-I will. But --
-I've given you a long answer.
Ask this gentleman a question.
Don't be rude.
-Don't drag him into this!
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] You should talk
to the president of Finland.
He told me he wants to tell you
how innocent I am.
In fact, he was on the call too.
It was all his idea."
[ Normal voice ] He sounds like
a dad scolding his children
to say hello to a houseguest.
[ As Trump ] Don't be rude.
Say hello to Uncle Rudy.
And this time,
don't kick him in the balls.
[ Laughter ]
[ Normal voice ] All of this of
course just adds to the portrait
we already have of a lawless,
delusional president
who thinks he can do whatever he
wants without consequences.
Over the last two weeks,
for example,
we found out that Trump
orchestrated a vast scheme
in which he subverted
American foreign policy
almost entirely to serve his
own personal political goals.
He dangled a quid pro quo
to get the president of Ukraine
to investigate Joe Biden.
He told the Russians
in the oval office
he didn't care that they
interfered in the 2016 election.
And he asked the Prime Minister
of Australia to help him prove
his insane conspiracy theories
about the origins
of the Russia investigation.
At this point, Trump is just
cold-calling countries
asking them if they want to
collude.
[ As Trump ] Hello, Ecuador?
Do you have any dirt
on Joe Biden?
[ Laughter ]
No, you [muttering]
Do you have Bolivia's number?
[ Laughter ]
Now, if you're wondering
why Trump was asking
the Prime Minister of Australia
of all countries
to help him dig up dirt
on the Mueller probe,
the short version
is Australia found out Russia
was trying to interfere
in U.S. elections
and they tried to do
the right thing
by reporting it to the FBI.
And as we know, doing the right
thing is not Trump's style.
-"The New York Times" reports
that Trump
pushed the Australian
Prime Minister
during another recent phone call
to help his Attorney General,
Bill Barr, gather information
on the origins
of the Mueller investigation
into him.
Trump was, in effect,
asking the Australian government
to investigate itself.
FBI counterintelligence
investigators began examining
any Trump ties to Russia's
2016 election interference
after Australian officials
told the bureau
that Russian intermediaries
had made overtures
to Trump advisers
about releasing
politically damaging information
about Hillary Clinton.
-That's right. Trump asked
the Australian Prime Minister
to investigate his own
government
for correctly reporting Russian
election meddling to the FBI.
Or at least, whoever he thought
was the prime minister.
[ Laughter ]
[ As Trump ] Mr. Dundee,
thank you for meeting with me.
Can I call you Crocodile?
On that point, do you know
any other crocodiles
who'd be willing to work
on the Southern border?
[ Cheers and applause ]
We have a beautiful moot.
Beautiful moot for them
to swim in.
[ Normal voice ] Now apparently,
Trump's overtures
to all these countries are part
of an elaborate plot
fueled by wild conspiracy
theories to do two things --
manufacture a false smear
against Joe Biden
and somehow prove that
the Russia investigation
was a deep state hoax
created by the Democrats.
And he used the levers
of government
and U.S. diplomacy to do it.
For example, he involved
the Attorney General
William Barr
by repeatedly invoking
his name on the call
with the president of Ukraine.
And then last week,
he mysteriously sent Barr
on a trip to Italy
amid the Ukraine firestorm
with no explanation.
ABC reported that
Attorney General Barr
has been on official travel
in Italy for the past few days.
It's unclear why the trip
was only just revealed.
Sorry, but since when
do government officials
just get to go off to Italy
for secret unannounced trips
without telling anyone?
Normal people
don't get to do that.
You never walked into your job
at Chipotle and been like,
"Where's Brad?"
"Oh, he decided to go
to Venice last night."
"Don't worry,
it's a business trip.
He's wrapping burritos
on a gondola."
[ Laughter ]
And then, yesterday,
we found out
what that trip was all about.
Trump also asked Italy
to help him dig up dirt
on the Mueller investigation,
and he sent Barr to Italy
as part of that mission.
-Attorney General William Barr
traveled overseas to personally
investigate the origins
of the Russia investigation
into the 2016 Trump campaign.
NBC News confirms Barr met with
senior Italian intelligence
officials last week in Italy,
and the president followed
through on a request from Barr
to call Australia's Prime
Minister on his behalf.
The investigation into
the origins of the Russia probe
follows repeated
and unproven claims
by the Trump administration
that President Trump
was the target of a witch hunt.
-Trump sent his Attorney General
to Italy to try to prove
his insane conspiracy theory
that the Russia investigation
was a deep state witch hunt
concocted by the Democrats.
Trump watches so much TV now
he's just getting his ideas
from "The Da Vinci Code."
[ As Trump ] Go to the Vatican,
sneak into the basilica,
and open the tomb
of Rudy Giuliani.
[ Laughter ]
And then shake him awake.
Urgh!
[ Normal voice ]
What's happening is simple --
An unhinged President
disconnected from reality
is using his power to pursue
insane conspiracy theories
and dig up dirt on his
opponents,
and he and his aides
are obstructing
an official impeachment inquiry.
Proving once again that his
administration is full of...
-Alligators and snakes.
-This has been "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
