** WAPUSH ** Top of the mornin’ to ya, laddies My Name is JackSepticeye.
Welcome to a game Called "Ultmate Epic Battle Simulator."
It's a thing, I know what you're thinking.
Right off the bat, it kind of reminds you of a thing like T.A.B.S
But this is so much more, this is T.A.B.S on steroids!
From what I've seen, there's some simulations...
that the developer of this game has shown online...
where, it's like, thousands and thousands of soldiers...
versus each other.
And it just looks fucking nuts, it's super impressive!
So, I've been talking to him a small bit...
and he gave me access to the very first alpha.
You can see, it's alpha version 0.1.
So, a lot of stuff is probably gonna change.
So, cut it some slack, in that regard.
Oh my god, I don't actually have...
I literally have no idea what I'm doing.
Okay, let me try and figure this out.
Right, so, you're in categories...
I've chosen fantasy over here and
Okay, rank shape 1.
Right, so this is how I put them down.
So, apparently, there's 250 in this?
Really?
That's kinda crazy!
Amount...250
What happens if I change this to two?
Ahh...
So, this is the shape of them.
Okay, got it.  I'm learning! Um....
and those are Orcs...
So, let's go to fantasy: Giant Ogres.
Get off of my swamp!
I just wanna see cool shit happening!
Can I really put this amount of things in?
Medieval, Heavy Knights, Footmen, Archers
ARCHERS!
Let's put you guys up here.
Nice!
I don't know how this is gonna work...
I don't even know how this is gonna run!
Heroes, Golden Knights, Chunk Norris!
*laughing*
I want a Chunk Norris!!
Team 4: Amount 1
Okay, so you guys can only have one.
I'll put you over here.
Because you'll be the last thing to come into battle then.
Let's put in Evil Zombies: 250
Can't put ya' in the water!
Let's put ya' over here.
Okay!  Let's start the battle and see what happens.
Loading.  Okay.  See look at this shit!
That's insane!  It's like Roman soldiers versus...
z-zombies?It's 7 A.M....
on a cold, winters morning...
The units are loading.
Where are they all? Ohh
That's a lot less than I expected!
These are all my orcs!
there's 250 of them right there!
My archers are all the way up on the fucking hill.
Oh god, everything's way more spread out than I thought it was.
So, they're actually the size of the arrows that were on the screen.
Oh!
Oh yeah, you guys look fucking ready!
*Laughs Maniacally*
You guys ready to fuck some shit up?
Let me hear an *Arruuughhh*
They're not saying anything
Let's go over and look at some others
Good Lord it's taking me half a fuckin' century to even get over to the warriors
So those are the Giant Ogres over there
"You there! Ogre!"
Ohh you guys look ready! Ohh!
You guys look ready to fuck shit up
Niiice
Think you guys are going to be my favorite one
Umm
What did I put down? Some zombies as well
Somewhere. There they are. I don't really give a shit about them
Where's this golden... dude?
Is that you, all alone right there?
There was a golden soldier and a Chunk Norris
Okay, I don't...I don't get you
But alright!
EVERYBODY!
IN YOUR POSITIONS!!
I don't even know if this is going to work I have no idea what I'm doing
K the battle has started
People are rolling out all over the place!
The zombies are probably going to be left on their own
I might have to redo this
Oh I can actually posses them and play as them!
That''s cool! I didn't know i could do that! I thought it was all from the sky!
Okay. Who's coming over here? These guys all split up
Some of them went to fight the archers and some of them I think came over this way?
Oh no, they went back. Aw they did
Ahh no! Guys your're going to get fucked!
AWW NOO!
You guys are so gonna die!
OH MY GOH-
THEY"RE LIKE THREE TIMES THE HEIGHT OF THEM!
*adorable Jack laugh*
Sorry fellers!
*adorable jack laugh again*
YEEAH! This is fun!
Aww that's fucking cool!
Oh I wanna posses one of you!
Can I actually fire?
HUH!! UHHA!
It's like the Battle of Helms Deep!
Easy men, now. Easy!
They're not going down very easily, though
Oh shit!
Lads, we might die. *jack giggle*
This is awesome though!
Ohh god the fuckin' giants are coming
Oh ahahaha!
Okay how many zombies...?
The zombies have one killed
And the golden knight has 24 dudes killed
So he's just slaughtering all the zombies over there on his own
I wish I could go over there somehow
Well, I mean I can
But I mean faster than having to go all the way across
I want to see how this pans out
'Cause it does not look like the archers are killing many things
They've killed 10 guys!
This is cool!
So you can set up like your own battles
You can set up-
Gigantic battles
Of like
Hopefully when the game gets progressed
I don't know what the plan is for the entire game
But could you imagine being able to make your own Helms Deep battle?
Or your very own like 300 battle
If you can't do that already
That'd be so cool!
Oh god duuudes
Ahahahaha!
It's like when Sauron entered the fight!
Oh my god! Your're just going to get annihilated!
The archers suuck
I can put it in slow-motion!
*Jack's making sounds*
Look at 'em go!
That's it dude! FUCK 'EM UP!!
KILL 'EM ALL
That's awesome!
Ohhh wait the golden knight died
And those are all the zombies on their way over
Ahh okay. I get it
Well these guys are all dead here.
Let me start again!
I'm actually going to be smart about it this time and I'm gonna put-
These are medieval footmen
And I'm going to put these inside the castle
I'm going to have an actual seige
Happen
Which I think would be cool
Umm
I'm going to bring my orcs then
All the way over to the actual front gates
So these guys all fight each other
Emmm
Ok we'll have-
800 orcs
Ahhh... one
There we go
800 orcs and then I'm going to put down
Some medieval archers as well
Cause they-
They didn't do a whole lot last time
*In a dramatic, slightly Australian, voice*"A harsh morning"
"7 AM"
"Up early"
"The men are hungry"
"Ready to fight"
"Ready to defend their castle"
"The orcs"
"Bloodthirsty"
"Numerous"
"Ready to throw down their gauntlet"
"For their master"
*normal voice* There is a smell of shittin' pants
In the air
But it's good
It only means that you're alive and ready to fight
"GO MEN!!"
Ohh yeah look at this onslaught that's about to happen
And then the archers can all attack from there
That's cool!
I can probably spend some time-
"NO STAY INSIDE!"
I made them attack I should have made them hold position
Okay! We'll go again!
This weather's even better this time!
This is a Helms Deep Battle
I made my guys stay this time
So they're actually going to stay in there
And fight as guys enter the castle
"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO ACROSS THE SIDES"
Oh cause some of my guys fell down
Ahh I get it
Are you just going to kill them and move on then?
Are actually any of you breaching the castle?
There we go!!
Lead the charge there,  *jack's impression of mating seall*
That's his name!!!
That's what's- That's what orc names sound like
Aww you all are just going to get picked off one by one though if you do this
Aww that's awesome looking!
It's super real!
Okay
I mean, I know orcs are dumb, but this is just getting ridiculous now
You guys are gonna get hammered!
You're just on your own in here!
Or not. They're actually strong
They're way stronger than the men
Ooooh no
I have way more of the orcs than I have of the men
Cause I was like "Oh they have the castle, they're fine."
Nope
They're all getting killed hehehuh
Well it's alright because these guys are like fuckin' ants
All trapped
Hehehahaha
Are- Are any of you actually gonna go back?
Aw man, I broke you. I should have started you all in here.
Fack
Let's try this-
One more time
Here we go
No archers
Just orcs
And these guys
And I'm hoping that-
Funneling them in here
Will-
I don't know
Make the men-
Possibly win
This is so cool!
I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME!!
GO LADS!
FIGHT!
KILL EACH OTHER!!
Niiiice
Ahahaha!
You gu- You guys wanna move or anything
Your formation is impeccable!
WHAT'S THAT!?
*sensual orc fighting sounds*
WHO'S MOTHER?
*more sensual orc fighting sounds*
NAH, I DON'T KNOW HER!
Ok, the orcs might win
The orcs have killed-
Sss... 80 people!
The men have only killed 15
Four- 15, yeah
S'not looking good.
Let's speed things up!
Now I definitely can't understand you
It's so cool watching them come in and- form out
COME ON LADS!!
PUT UP SOME SORT OF FIGHT WILL YE!!!
I think it's cause I made my men hold position.
Oh, now they've all come in and fanned out.
I made them hold position, so none of them are actually moving
They're just all standing still waiting for them to come and attack them so they're all just going to die
We did not take down many orcs
It's just facinating to look at
Look at all the fucking bodies everywhere!
Heheha!
This is impressive software!
Ahhh...
Pitiful
PITIFUL performance by the men
WHAT ARE YOU- A MAN OR A MOUSE!?
You're a fucking dead mouse
Okay! Let's crack this fuckin' bad boy open
Let's do this
It's Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator, not stand around with your dicks in your hands
Uhh
There's 10,000
10,000 of them and 10,000 of you
Uh, wait, you're 1.5 so you should be 1.5 as well
Right
I want to know what happens-
Wait!Can I just put down-
Fifty-
thousand
Yep!
50,000 versus 50,000
Uh, it's going to take forever to load all these units
HAHAHA!
This is what it's all about!
This shit right here! *waves mouse on screen*
Gigantic armies fighting gigantic armies
I'm-
I'm a bit apprehensive to try this, though. I don't know how the performance is going to be like
It could be dog shit
But again, game is new
OHHHH MY GOD!!!
AHH HOLY SHIT
AOHOHO!
I'm getting 4 FPS!!
Umm... Let's-
Can I actually speed up the game?
Ok, well
4 FPS is what we're getting
About to be expected for the amount of characters that are on screen
START THE FIGHT!
Ohh my fuckin' Jesus!
Ahahaha!!
That's nuts!
FUCKIN' HELL!
Wait, let me turn off cinematic mode
Or turn it on, I should say
Ohh God!
*Looks under desk* "ARE YOU OK, COMPUTER!?"
"ARE YOU GONNA EXPLODE!? DON'T DO IT!"
Okay, 20,000 is a bit more managable
50 wasn't working
And plus I had these guys set on hold instead of attack so I had to go back out and reset that anyway
Aww that's amazing!
HOLY SHIT!!
"GOOO!"
EVERBODY KILL EACH OTHER!!!
It's just like a fuckin' movie that's so cool!
Where's the clashes first happening? There we go
I can't fucking see anything that's happening
THAT IS SO COOL! LOOK AT EM ALL!!
That's insane
It's also fascinating to watch because you see-
How the AI works and how it finds pathways and you can see
This clump down here. Everything else is a straight line but down here-
Is where stuff started to go wrong
And this- This is the point that will make or break the fight
I reckon
'Cause I imagine these are evenly mached soldiers...
Which is- LOOK AT ALL THE DOTS!
So this fight over here is just going to keep spilling downwards-
As more people join off and group up at the bottom-
ITS SO COOL!
Its pretty evenly matched as well...
The knights are winning.
But only by like twenty so it might be a different story when shit goes down later on- I haven't speed up by the way. ahh
Nah, now there about 60 ahead
oh nevermind they're like 30 ahead-
it keeps going up and down that's cool!
so there's no like, dominant
and the- I love how you can see the lay of the land
because  of the way the shapes go
ok  that's 2 times the speed
let's just go back to this, what are we at? 6 fps
(Jack chuckles)
let the rain come down
the rain come down and fuck them all up
aww! i need (couldn't understand what he said there lolz)
so each one has 500 health
wait that's interesting then
how much health does each one of these guys have
 
