SPEAKER 1: Please join me in
welcoming Susan to Google.
We're really delighted
to have her here.
[APPLAUSE]
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: What
a treat to be back.
Yesterday was so
much fun, and I see
some repeat faces, people
who brought their partners.
You need to hear this.
So, it's my joy to do this work.
It's my joy to
speak with parents
about perhaps the most important
thing going on in our lives.
Yes, we care very much about the
world, the planet, our careers,
our jobs, but
something happens to us
when we become a parent
that changes us irreparably.
I know for me, when
I became a mother,
actually when I went
into labor I really
didn't know it was going
to be that intense.
So after the second, I think
the second contraction,
I told my then husband,
I've changed my mind.
I don't want to
do this actually.
And 27 hours later, and
9 and 1/2 pounds later,
I became a mother.
And I'm a different human
being in every possible way.
Not only because of the love
that was birthed in my heart,
but also because no
one, I don't know
if this is your experience, but
nobody can push your buttons,
or challenge you
like your children.
I'm getting a lot
of nods and laughs.
You know what I'm talking about.
Because not only are we
really not all that prepared
for what it is to be responsible
for the unrelenting demands
of other people all the time.
But also, we're
the same species.
We don't become a
different species
when we become a parent.
So we still get
tired, overwhelmed,
we still have our baggage
from our own upbringing.
Feeling overpowered,
or invisible,
or whatever our particular
flavor of challenge
might have been as a child.
And so when we
become a parent we
have this opportunity
to grow our children,
raise them, but also
to grow ourselves.
And that's one of the
gifts of this work.
And one of the reasons I
have so much fun doing it.
I speak all over the world.
I've delivered the
same talk, or similar,
in almost every continent.
And then I do, as Rutika
said, a lot online.
We have a lot of programs.
I have our monthly
membership where
I've got people from
every country that
meet with me every month, for
not very many dollars a month.
We just talk about
whatever is up for them.
So I'm working with
parents now progressively
to help them internalize
what we're learning.
Because the truth is, the
things I teach work really well.
In fact, we were
talking this morning,
because I did a three
hour workshop here
at Google yesterday.
And I've also done some
other talks in the area
at various organizations,
and churches, and schools.
And people try something the
next day, and you were saying,
just this one little adjustment
avoided a meltdown with 2
and 1/2 year old.
Or maybe two-year-old, right?
And how even though
it isn't intuitive,
the things I'm going
to teach you today,
may not be how you were raised.
It's not rocket science.
It's not that difficult to
begin parenting in a way
that both reassures
our kids that there
is a grownup in the room,
which is very comforting,
and that also preserves the
love and the connection.
A lot of us were good kids.
We cooperated.
Our parents said, do
something, we did it.
But sometimes that
came at a cost.
Sometimes we got sneaky,
and we just went underground
about the thing we wanted to
do that they were preventing us
from doing.
Or sometimes we just
built up resentment.
Or worse, maybe
not worse, but we
would also-- when
we were in trouble
or struggling with something,
and we needed a sane person
to sort out the
tanglements of our life,
we would turn to our friends
instead of our parents.
Who had life experience,
and who hopefully
cared about our best interests.
So my work is very
much about holding
a place for our children that
allows us to parent them,
guide them, support
them, and continue
to build a very deep and
strong connection with them.
I'm going to go over
a few things today
and then we'll have
some questions.
And let me start by giving
you the initial piece.
The fundamental
piece of my work.
And that is that I believe that
parents need to be what I call,
the captain of the ship
for their children.
That means, not that you're
in control of your children,
I'm definitely not
advocating control.
I'm about being in charge.
Being the person that they
can turn to if you're, you
know using this nautical
theme, the captain of the ship.
You know, if you're on a
ship and you hear this woop,
woop alarm go off, you don't
want the captain leaping
over the side of the ship
because he or she doesn't know
what to do or is overwhelmed.
You want the captain
who's steady,
who's calm, who's confident.
Who can handle the news
that there is a leak,
or that there's a heavy storm
ahead, and doesn't jump ship.
I guess that's the term, right.
And so the idea I'm going to
demonstrate, a very simple hand
motion for you, so that
you can remember it.
And lots of people tell me
that they and their partner
will end up using the signal
behind the children's back
just to reinforce and
remind themselves of holding
this place for their children.
Even when our buttons
are getting pushed.
My right hand is going
to represent the parent,
and my left hand will
be the child, OK.
Parent, child.
I have a watch on the
child hand if that helps.
So the child might say,
maybe your 9-year-old says,
daddy I want to watch
horror movies from hell
tonight at 11:00 o'clock.
And you say, well
I'm afraid not.
Because as the parent,
as the captain,
that's not a good idea.
You have a child who
is very impressionable,
images are very powerful.
This is a kid who's not going
to sleep for the next six months
if he watch horror
night from hell.
So you say, I'm afraid not.
And the child says, why not.
And you say, now
watch this carefully,
because you'll have bad dreams.
No I won't.
Yeah, you watched a movie
that wasn't nearly that scary
and you couldn't sleep for days.
I know but that
movie had vampires
and the blood was oozing.
This movie, all my
friends have seen it
and there is no vampire
oozing blood in this movie.
Well honey, it's not
about that oozing blood.
So who's in charge
here, you guys.
No one.
Nobody's in charge here.
So I call this the captain of
the ship, when you go here I
call this the two lawyers.
The two lawyers.
This is where you're arguing.
You're each arguing
for your position.
One is defending
against the other
using rational
thought and arguments
to try and convince the other
person of why you're right.
Does that sound
familiar to any of you?
Yes.
Both parents say,
oh I live there.
But wait.
There's another it
devolves even further.
If you don't let
me watch that movie
I'm not doing my homework,
or I'm not doing my chores,
or I'm not going
to feed the dog,
or I'm going to go
tease my brother.
You know, knock down his tower.
And now you're down here.
And you're feeling
internally, how
are you feeling when
you're like that?
Like your child is attempting
to put you into the corner.
Holding you hostage.
Desperate.
Angry.
Disrespected.
Out of control.
And from this
place, which I call
the dictator, because dictators
don't have authentic power.
They have no genuine authority.
They rule by fear
and intimidation.
They can wipe out bank accounts,
throw your family in prison,
take your home, confiscate
your possessions.
So it looks, it's
faux power, but they
don't have any genuine power.
But from down here
in the dictator mode,
you will bribe or threaten.
Because you feel overwhelmed.
And you feel out of
control and in an attempt
to feel in control
again, but remember
this is not about control
this is in charge,
you will assert your weight.
But that comes at a cost.
Because your child now, as I
said there can be resentment,
there can be fear.
None of us like to be
intimidated into doing what
we're being asked to do, do we.
So captain of the ship,
two lawyers, dictator.
Everything that I teach,
and all these we talked
about the summits, and
the membership program,
and the classes I
do online classes,
everything is about this.
Because when we come
alongside our children,
this is my little hand
motion, rather than
at our children as
the lawyer who argues,
or as the dictator
who threatens,
when we come alongside them
as that confident captain,
life is so much easier.
They want to say yes.
They want to cooperate.
They look to us for guidance.
They're receptive to our wisdom.
It's so much easier to parent.
So I want to do a
quick demonstration,
would you come up?
And have I prepared
you or anything?
AUDIENCE: No.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: So
he's not been primed.
[LAUGHTER]
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: All I want you
to do is face me right there,
and if you'd put your hand out.
OK, ready.
OK.
Great.
OK, thank you so much.
A big round of
applause for Martin.
Did I ask you to push?
AUDIENCE: No.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: No.
But you pushed.
And I've done this
in every part of the,
every part of the world.
And without exception,
everyone pushes.
So it's not, I'm not, yes
you should have pushed,
that's your instinct.
And the reason for this is
that we push against that
which pushes against us.
That's how we're wired.
So when I began to push
against him, of course
he was going to push back.
Now, if you were in the martial
arts field, which some of you
may be, I suppose you
know that you could just
move out of the way
and let me fall forward
of my own momentum, but
we're not wired like that.
So when you come at your
child from that lawyer mode,
or from dictator, they
are going to push back.
If you'd like to have power
struggles with your children,
if that's your
goal, come at them.
Why didn't you
start your homework?
Of course you can't
go see that movie?
How many times have I told
you to brush your teeth?
All of those are push.
And you will more often
than not get push back.
And there is a better way.
I mean that's the thing.
If there was no other
option, than I would say,
oh well we all turned
out all right, it's fine.
But since there's a way
to parent our children.
Staying present, staying
in a more receptive,
creating more receptivity.
I think it's worth exploring.
Not only because it's
so, makes the climate
in our home more peaceful, and
harmonious, and happy and safe.
But here's the bonus,
there's a bonus to this.
We get to heal.
We get to heal.
I know in the raising of my
son, doing it differently,
certain things, of course,
are similar to the way
my parents raised me.
But some of these things
as I learned along the way,
and I certainly
didn't know all this
when he was first round
either, I'm a work in progress.
But so much healing has
happened for me internally, even
beyond therapy, just that this
is what it feels like to be,
watch a child bloom.
Watch a child feel
they can shine
and be who there
supposed to be, and have
their own point of
view, and feelings.
It's a learning process for
sure, but it's a glorious one.
So when we're captaining
the ship things go better.
I want to give you some ideas
for how you can do just that.
The first piece that
we know about what
motivates children to
see us as that captain,
is connection and attachment.
I gave this example, let's say
that you were part of a tribe.
And so in times past, or in some
other part of the world, even
today, and your child
drifted or wandered over
to the edge of the perimeter
of that tribe's territory,
let's say it's your
four-year-old child.
And a stranger approaches
from the other side
and says, hey, you come with me.
What do you want
your child to do?
Say no.
And who do you want
them to run back to?
You, right.
This is a good thing.
Children, this is
very important,
are wired to resist
being bossed around.
News flash.
In case you hadn't
noticed, children
are wired to resist
being bossed around.
The good news is,
because that would
be highly inconvenient
for us as parents,
how do you ever get
anything accomplished.
Do they want to brush
their teeth, no.
Do they want to do
their homework, no.
We can override that
instinct by attachment.
So the child runs back
to you because you're
the one to whom he
or she is connected.
And we get, that's the
loophole for this wise instinct
that mother nature has embedded
in our children for survival.
We don't want them subject
to the influence of those
who might not have their
best interests at heart.
So it's good that
they're wired to resist
being bossed around outside
that circle of safe influence.
So the way we override that,
the way we foster greater
receptivity,
greater cooperation,
begins with, as that captain,
developing attachment.
The way the roots of a
tree go wide and deep.
We develop a sturdy
foundation of connection.
So here's the tree.
Everyone see the tree
above the ground.
There's the tree.
And below the tree
are the roots.
This is the root system.
The health of a
tree is not really,
you can't really
determine by looking
at what's going on above
ground, it's really
based on what's going on
in the ground underneath.
How wide and how deep and
sturdy those roots are.
So there are six
stages of attachment
that a child will move
through in their first six
years of life and then
continues to go through in life.
I use Neufeld's
model, which I think
is an excellent model in my
courses and what I teach,
because it very
clearly illustrates
this beautiful journey of
bonding and connecting.
And if attachment is weak in
any or all of these areas,
you will see evidence of
that in the child's defiance.
It's not the only reason a
child might be chronically
oppositional or defiant.
But if you have a
child, when I get
a call for coaching,
or in our membership
when somebody gets on.
Gosh, you know, Tommy is
just saying no to everything.
One of the first things
I'll ask is what's
the quality of the attachment.
So when a baby is born,
the journey of attachment
begins, if you imagine
the root just beginning
to enter the ground
here, the first movement
into this process is proximity.
That's the first stage.
I talk about this in the
books and on my other things,
but if you're taking
notes, it's proximity.
Proximity is the sound of your
voice, it's smell, it's touch,
it's very sense oriented because
that's where the infant is
starting to connect with you.
The second stage is, sameness.
So this is how two-year-old
children acquire language.
They mimic you.
They want to be like you.
And if you have, in
one of my classes
I had the parent of a
16-year-old who was very, very
drifting further and further
away toward her friends
away from mom, and
we started to look
at where they had
similar interests
and it was photography.
And so she started
to do photography
with her daughter, sort
of seriously pursuing it
and it reconnected them.
And this can be true
across the board,
even if you have a
very young child.
They like ponies, they like,
I mean, they like Pokemon,
whatever it is.
That you look for a place
where you have an interest,
ideally that you share and you
build connection in that way.
The third stage,
so the roots are
going even wider and deeper,
is belonging or loyalty.
And this is the
sense that the child
feels that you're on her side.
We see issues of
this for instance,
if you're the coach of
your child's soccer team.
And you're the coach,
and so from time to time
you might have to treat
your child like all
the other children, and
you might have to say,
hey dude, you should
have done this.
Sometimes kids
don't do very well
with that because it compromises
their feeling of loyalty,
or a dad or mom
having their back.
Three-year-old children in this
state of developing attachment,
may push their sibling
off of your lap.
My daddy.
My mommy.
And they may also
propose marriage to you.
I just love you so much, Mommy.
Will you marry me?
Fourth stage.
Roots growing even wider
and deeper, is significance.
And significance is the
sense that the child
feels seen, and
celebrated, and cherished
by you just as they are.
Not based on their achievements,
or their accomplishments,
or how good they make you look
as a parent or as a person.
It's the delight that you have
in your existence in your life.
And it's very, very
powerful for children
to feel cherished by you.
It helps them feel close to you.
The fifth stage, the roots
even going wider and deeper,
is love.
It's this pure,
unadulterated transmission
of warmth and connection
that your child
feels in your presence.
Not just the words.
It's the way your
face might light up
when they come into the room,
or they call you on the phone.
I know when my son calls, to
this day now, he's now 6' 5"
and 26 years old.
And if he walks
in the house, it's
like, woohoo, I just love him.
And it's not just the words.
I connect, I move into a place
where I remember that love.
I line myself up with it.
It doesn't mean
always, it doesn't
mean I'm effusive all the time.
But there's something very
pure about that that is felt.
We feel it with
anyone who we love.
And then the final stage,
if all has gone well
with these stages, from the age
of 6 onward, is being known.
Being known.
So this is the child who wants
to tell you their secrets.
Doesn't want to
hold back from you.
Feels safe.
And we teach children,
by our reactions
because if we
react to their news
rather than responding
in ways that
make them feel ashamed
or afraid, then
we teach them not to
tell us what's really
going on in their
lives, especially
as life gets more complicated.
So if you want your
14-year-old to tell you
when she's thinking
about drinking
with her girlfriends
on Friday night
because they're all
going to try it.
Then you want to
ideally make it possible
for your four-year-old,
when that child is four,
to come to you when she's
afraid of something,
or someone's been
mean to her at school,
or maybe she was mean to
someone and got in trouble.
You want to make it
safe because you're
that captain who responds rather
than reacts out of your hurt,
or need, or story.
Does that makes sense?
So we can fortify and build
connection with our children
all through their lives.
Proximity means, you, me,
let's play a game of chess.
I seek out the child
when they're not
chasing me or
hanging onto my leg,
please one more
game of Candyland.
But you initiate,
out of generosity,
once in a while go find
your child when they're not
expecting i tor demanding
it and say, hey,
I just had this great idea.
Do you want to go color in
your coloring book together?
And they haven't
even asked for it.
Wow.
That's amazing.
Sameness.
Look for something the two
of you enjoy doing and do it.
Take a cooking class.
Go study the bugs
in the backyard.
If you have at least some
interest in your child's
fascinated.
Belonging and loyalty.
If they have a
homework assignment,
rub their shoulders, make them
a cup of tea, be on their side,
let them feel that
you're on their team.
And I talk about significance,
and love, and being known,
so these are very fundamental
elements of my work.
When we change, what I call
the pH of our relationship
with our child.
So imagine there's a cylinder
with a solution in it.
And it's funny I'm at
Google, because I have
zero background in science.
So I'm going to sound like
I know more than I do.
This is like the one
thing I kind of know.
So if you had a solution
that was too acidic,
the pH of that solution
has too much acid.
You don't neutralize
it by removing acid.
You add alkaline, you add base.
If I get a call, or I'm
working with a family
where the child is chronically
resistant or defiant.
One of my first
questions will be,
how would your child rate
the level of attachment
on these six areas,
or the overview?
Because typically a child
who feel very close to you
and connected, tries their
best to behave for you.
They want to please you.
Just like you do.
You try harder for someone
that you genuinely like,
who you feel genuinely
likes and enjoys you.
Than out of obligation or duty.
It's just how we are.
So these stages of
attachment, while simple,
are so fundamental to being
the captain of the ship
because they change the
pH of that relationship
so it's healthy.
So you have something
kind of to work with.
Does that make sense so far?
So far so good?
OK.
There's a second piece that
goes into being that captain.
I won't go into this too
much, this is a deeper topic
but I want to just touch on it.
So imagine that you're
holding a snapshot.
I always think of Polaroids,
and I'll bet many of you,
if not most of you
don't even know anymore
what a Polaroid picture was.
But in my day, which
wasn't that long ago,
there were these cool cameras,
and you could instantly
take a picture and print it.
So I always picture
the Polaroid.
Here's the Polaroid, and this
picture that you're holding,
is of your ideal child.
This is a child who,
when you say, sweetheart,
it's time to start
your homework.
They say, sure mom
thanks for reminding me.
And this is the child when
you say, honey, it's time
to brush your teeth and
get in your jammies.
They go, oh great, I'm
just so ready for that.
Goodnight.
Have a goodnight, mommy.
I know you're so tired.
You get a good sleep now.
[LAUGHTER]
This is your snapshot child.
I call it snapshot
child syndrome.
How many of you suffer from
snapshot child syndrome?
And the reason that we move into
lawyer mode or dictator mode
is that we lose our cool.
Happens to the best of us.
And so I'm always interested in
getting to the root of things.
Like I'm not a Band-Aid person.
I'm not a person
that scripts for you.
Here's what to say
when your children are
fighting in the back seat.
Here's what to say
when you found out
your daughter was cheating.
I want to know why.
Why does that
behavior make sense.
So the root of this issue
of why we lose our cool,
and move into that argumentative
lawyer, where we're pushing.
Or that dictator, who's
overpowering and intimidating
to feel some sense
of faux control.
It's not because our
child has kicked down
his brother's tower.
It's because we think
he shouldn't have.
It's the mismatch
between this photo
of our idealized child
and that real one,
in flesh and blood
in front of us.
That mismatch causes
us to lose our cool.
Does that make sense?
It's an inside job.
It's what we're believing in our
head that contradicts reality.
Rutika mentioned Byron Katie,
and I don't know if any of you
are familiar, but I love
the work of Byron Katie
and I've been doing some
parenting programs with her.
And it's been such a
delight because she
has a process of inquiry
that I include in my books
and in my classes.
We won't do it
right now, but that
gets you to look at
the stories that you're
telling and believing that
cause you to create stress,
and distance, and
difficulty in your life
and in your relationship.
So staying captain
means that we have
to throw the snapshot away.
This is the child that you have.
For better or worse, maybe
it's not what you expected.
I think for most of
us, if not all of us,
if we're really allowing our
child to be who they are,
there's going to
be some variation
between the imagination that
we had of who they might be
and their personality.
Maybe you have a child
whose-- I've had sessions
with people on the phone who
end up sobbing within 10 minutes
because this person is a very
gentle, was very passive,
as a little girl not allowed
to really be very assertive
or express herself.
And she's got this
intensely fiery 5-year-old.
No, I'm not going to do that.
You know mom just
bumps up against that.
Now on the one side, where
we've gotten to in our work
is, what a gift.
This daughter is
revealing to her
how she can locate within
herself her own strength,
her own will to some degree.
Maybe not in the clumsy and
intense way that her child is.
Sometimes you're a
very intense person
and you really are competitive,
and you love sports,
and you get this very gentle,
sensitive, little child.
Not like you.
So it's when we are stuck
on holding this image up
against the real child
that we lose our cool.
And we try and argue them
into or intimidate them
into being different
than they are.
So that's a side piece that
helps us be the captain.
Looking at what we're
believing our child should be.
Looking at the story that we're
telling in our head of how
they should feel.
He shouldn't knock
down the tower.
Is it true?
What are three reasons why your
little boy should have knocked
down his brother's tower?
And I know, don't take that
literally, I'm not suggesting
he should have knocked it down.
But if we look at
that question, why
does this behavior make sense?
Then I'll bet we
could find why that
was an obvious outcome of what
had happened in the moments
or hours leading up to that.
Does that make any sense to you?
We look at the snapshot,
we throw it away,
and we meet the
child where they are.
The third piece
that's so important,
and I want to make sure
I cover this today,
is about coming
alongside our children
rather than coming at them.
So I talk about how when
a child is frustrated,
it's like they're on
this road of frustration.
Here's the road, it's
called frustration.
OK.
Children are on this road
many, many times a day.
They can't have the
cookie that they want.
They have to go to
school and they'd rather
stay home with you.
They don't want to go to bed.
They don't want to
brush their teeth.
They don't like you holding
their little brother.
All kinds of things happen
where children are frustrated.
So the goal of our
parenting life,
is not about preventing them
from ever being frustrated,
far from it in fact.
My position is that it's
very important for children
to discover they can survive
and live through frustration.
Why?
How else are they going
to develop resilience?
Children become
resilient because they
know they can survive
something difficult.
So our job is not to
fix everything for them,
or move the universe
over to where
they would prefer that it be.
But it's to be that loving,
compassionate, present captain
through the storm.
So the child's on this
road of frustration,
and there's only two
ways this can go.
If they go this way,
in that direction,
they come to a fork in the road.
So there's only, when
they come to the fork,
if they go this way
they become aggressive.
I hate you.
You're so mean.
Maybe they take it out on their
sibling, or on the family dog,
or they, I hate myself.
We see that.
But if they come to the fork
in the road of frustration
and they go this way, the end of
that little path is adaptation.
Acceptance.
They have come to terms
with life as it is.
However, it's a process
that you can help them with.
So I've borrowed from the
work of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross,
"In Death and Dying",
because the way I see it,
frustration in a
way, is like loss.
It may be loss of autonomy,
or freedom of choice,
it may be loss of you if
they have to go to school.
It may be loss of a
really good cookie.
And so I work with this model
of grief, because in a way
it's a small, condensed
grieving process
to get through that loss.
So who was an
example, does someone
want to share an
example of a time
when a child has
made a complaint?
AUDIENCE: Actually it
just happened yesterday.
My 12-year-old came home from
school with a big, sad attitude
and went straight to his bed.
And that's very unlike
him because normally he's
very happy, positive.
And I went to him and I
said, what is the problem.
And he said, I can't believe it.
Somebody slashed my
backpack while I left it
outside the bathroom.
Why would they do that?
And I was, you know,
I could totally
understand where he was
coming from because he
felt like he was violated.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: Yes.
And in that process, I'm
so sorry to hear that.
In that process
really, I already
can watch you and get a sense
that you just joined him
where he was.
And so that's a
great example of her
getting to the end of this
process, which is feeling sad.
So if it's all
right with you, I'm
going to invent another version,
just because you already
did it.
OK.
So let's say that your child
complains that he never, he
doesn't get to watch more TV.
And he really wants to
watch this one more program.
OK.
Anybody relate to that?
Just this one more program.
Does anyone want to
play this out with me?
All right, I'll just do it.
So we have a shy, and
also we're on camera, so.
The child says to
you, mom, dad, I just
want to watch one more show.
This is a really
important episode.
And we'll pretend they're
aren't DVRs and all that,
OK, for the purposes
of this demonstration.
So the child, when you
say, I'm afraid not.
It's time to start your homework
or get ready for dinner.
First goes-- on the road
to acceptance, first steps
into denial.
Because maybe he
or she has reason
to believe that you may
change your mind based
on prior experiences.
If I rally hard enough maybe
I'll get to watch this show.
So come on, please, I just
want to watch the show.
So the child's first in denial.
If you still say no,
then we're in anger.
You're so mean.
You never let me do anything.
You're so strict.
Jacob's parents let
him do what, I mean,
he gets to watch like
five of these episodes.
You're so strict.
So there's anger.
You're all familiar with
what I'm talking about.
Next, if we don't engage on
that level, we have bargaining.
Please.
If you just let me
watch this one episode,
I promise I'll never
ask for anything again,
for the rest of my life.
This is the only thing I want.
I promise you.
If you just let
me watch this show
I'll never ask for anything.
I'll do all my chores.
I'll feed the dog.
I'll massage your
feet, whatever it is.
OK.
Now if that doesn't yield the
desired outcome, we'll move on.
But it's not so
easy because those
are invitations to go into
lawyer and dictator mode,
right.
So your child, denial.
You know he's going
to just push and push.
Then anger.
You might counter the anger with
threats or anger of your own.
If he moves into bargaining,
you may go into lawyer mode.
Well no, because I
know that's not true.
You promised many
times before that's
the only thing you wanted.
And then 10 minutes later
you wanted something else.
Well that was different
because, says your child.
Because that was--
I mean listen,
you're going nowhere, fast.
If you go there.
These first three stages, where
there's conflict and tension,
I call it the DAB.
Denial, anger, bargaining.
The model is DABDA.
So the first three
stages, the DAB.
We perpetuate, we prolong
the misery by arguing,
by threatening,
all those things.
The fourth stage, which is
where the shift actually
can happen-- which
is what you were
talking about with your
son-- is disappointment.
Now, in Kubler-Ross's
model it's depression.
It's the disappointment.
It's inhabiting your sadness.
It's slamming against
the truth that I am not
going to have what I want ted.
I have to let go.
For your son, it was the
truth and the sad truth,
that somebody was so unkind
who he has contact with.
For the child who wants
to watch another show,
it's the realization of
the futility of his effort.
He is not going to get
to watch that show.
So some children
may need to cry.
Some kids just feel
a sinking feeling,
and if you can hold
the captain place
without being tempted to-- but
it's only for your own good.
Which is what we do.
But you've gotten so mad
and you don't appreciate it.
If you'd appreciate me
more, and all the hard work
I do, the organic food I buy,
I might feel differently.
But if we stay clean,
as that captain,
then the child magically
moves through this process
to the final step,
which is acceptance.
They make peace
with life as it is.
They come to terms with it.
And we have not fractured or
compromised the relationship.
Does that makes sense?
This is not easy
because when we have
a child every bone in our
body wants them to be happy.
So if a child is unhappy or
complaining, a lot of times
we go down here because we
feel a desperate need for them
to like us, or to
feel happy again.
So we change the world to suit
them because they don't-- we
don't like witnessing
them being unhappy.
And I'm not saying you
never change your mind.
By the way, here's
the back door.
Let's say that
you're super tired.
Would you like an out,
a loophole for this?
Let's say you're really
tired and your tradition
is that you read two
bedtime stories at night.
And you've read your two
stories and your child's like,
of please can I
have a third story?
And they haven't
yet lost their mind
or they're not being awful.
They just would really
like another story.
And in your mind you kind
of weigh the pros and cons.
Do I want to do this thing
that Susan Stiffelman was
talking about, or do I just
want to get this over with.
So, remember I just want
you to be the captain.
So if they're being
reasonable, and you
think it might be
quicker and easier just
to read an extra story, you
know what you get to say?
Oh my gosh, you must
be a mind reader,
I was about to suggest
we read another story.
That's amazing.
Or they want the other cookie.
How did you, how
did you know I was
about to ask if you
wanted another cookie?
So you make it your idea.
And you still hold that place.
That loving place.
So I know that we have
just a few minutes,
and I want to take
some questions.
But I wanted to
sort of tie this up
with the last piece that
goes into being the captain
just briefly.
When we come at our children,
you can't watch that show,
it's a scary movie,
you're too young,
what do we get from them?
Push back, resistance, right,
we can move into that anger.
When we come alongside them with
what I call Act One parenting,
then we help the child
feel understood, validated,
and they soften.
And there's the guard comes
down, the walls come down,
there's a receptivity.
And we use Act One
with what I just
taught you with helping
the child feel sadness.
So here's an example.
The child says, I hate
my school and I never
want to go back to
that stupid school.
I hate it.
They come home from school
and say that to you.
Most of us do what I
call Act Two parenting.
We appeal to the child's left,
logical, rational, language
based brain.
Even though when they're upset
they don't have one of those.
And I know I'm
oversimplifying, but Dan Siegel
reassured me a couple of
weeks ago that I can still
talk about the brain as having
these different functions,
so I'm comforted by that.
So we appeal to them with
rational, logical arguments
to talk them out
of their position.
Does that work?
No.
Not when they're already upset
because when they're upset,
they're over here in there
feeling, emotional brain.
That's where we
need to join them.
We do that with what I
call Act One parenting.
Act One parenting
allows the child
to be where he is, stays the
captain, we stay the captain.
We aren't wordy.
Most of us say way
too many words,
and I'm convinced kids tune
us out after about seven.
And we acknowledge briefly,
I call it comic book lingo,
like oh, shoot, boy.
Pow, bam, kaboom.
OK.
So we're minimalists
when it comes to words.
But we're empathic.
And most important, and
this is a little formulaic,
we look to help the
child nod his head
or say yes at least three times.
So that it defuses.
Wow, you're actually hearing me.
Not like, you're angry.
Because I would never
presume to decide
I know what someone
else is feeling.
So please don't attribute
that approach to me
because I don't
believe it's our right
to decide how someone is feeling
and announce it as if we know.
But we could say it sounds
like, I get the feeling that, it
seems as though.
So let me demonstrate
this and then I'd
love to take some questions.
Is there anyone brave who
has an issue, a child who's
complained about
something and they
want to play this out with me?
All right, so you're
my-- how old are you?
Ho old do you want to be?
SPEAKER 1: Eight-year-old.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN:
Eight year old, OK.
So you're my eight-year-old
and what's your complaint?
First I'm going to
demonstrate Act Two, which
is what I don't want you
to do but you will probably
intuitively do because that's
how most of us were raised.
OK.
What's your complaint?
Here.
SPEAKER 1: You spend all the
time with my little brother
and you don't spend
any time with me.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN:
Can you stand here.
SPEAKER 1: Yeah.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: That's
ridiculous, honey.
I'm knocking on her left
with, that's your left right?
That's ridiculous.
I played My Little Pony with you
for like two hours yesterday.
And he was wanting my attention.
SPEAKER 1: But today you
didn't spend any time.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN:
Today because we
had to go to the
doctor's office,
and I had to take that--
I'm right here with you.
I'm here.
SPEAKER 1: Mommy.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: OK.
So how's this feeling to you?
[LAUGHTER]
Very disconnecting.
SPEAKER 1: Very disconnecting.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: I'm
disputing, I'm arguing,
I'm invalidating, right.
So can you all relate to that?
There's almost an
urgency that we feel.
Like, let me just quickly
talk to you off the ledge.
Let me quickly talk you
out of what you're feeling.
And I seem to believe,
for whatever reason,
largely how we were raised,
that the quickest route to that
is to convince your left,
logical brain to think
differently.
It just doesn't work.
By the way, I've done
this same program
for businesses, and employee
relationships, and couples.
I mean this is not just
confined to the parent child
relationship, this dynamic.
But we know that
that didn't go over.
Did you all relate?
OK, so now I'm going
to model Act One.
You may see me in this
Act One demonstration,
guiding her to some
sadness, through that DABDA.
OK.
Ready.
So make the same complaint.
SPEAKER 1: You always spend
time with my little brother,
but no time with me, mommy.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: So now in
my mind I might be thinking,
that is so far from the truth.
But here's what I'm going to do.
So it seems like you
feel short changed.
And like your brother's been
getting more time than--
SPEAKER 1: Yes.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: And I
wonder if you kind of miss me.
SPEAKER 1: I do.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: Yeah.
I'm so glad you told me.
[LAUGHTER]
And of course it's not
always that tidy and simple.
But how was that for you?
SPEAKER 1: I felt
more connected.
That you care.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: Yeah.
I'm not arguing her
out of her position.
Now, there's so many
ways this could go.
It might be that I find out that
it's not really sadly about me
at all and my fabulousness.
But really that her friends left
her to eat by herself at lunch.
Right.
If I make room for her to
feel or express herself
safely, and tell me, is
there more to that, honey.
Is there more about that
you want me to know?
SPEAKER 1: Yeah I feel
really alone these days
because there's no
friends at school.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: Now in
my left brain I'm thinking,
I picked her up
and saw her playing
with seven people
on the playground.
So the temptation is
very great to say,
what are you talking about.
The typical thing would be, but
I saw you with da, da, da, da.
And instead, I joined
her where she is.
So it feels like you're
just on your own a lot, huh?
SPEAKER 1: Yeah, no friends.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: That
doesn't sound fun.
Is there anything that
you think you want
me to help you with about that?
SPEAKER 1: I'd like to
have a play date with Ella.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: I wonder
if we could set that up.
So there's a possible,
I've empowered
her to be a participant
in solving it.
Thank you.
That was good.
It may also be that
she just has to cry.
That maybe she's going
through a rough patch with all
of her friends.
It may be, not that this
would be for your child,
that she's not being
a very nice friend.
And she's been very
bossy or very controlling
of the other kids and so
she's getting honest feedback.
But I want to know that
because I'm the captain
and there may be a leak
in the hull of my ship.
And if I make everything
glossed over and perfect,
that I only want to
hear the good stuff,
I really can't
effectively parent.
So all these things are
interplaying with each other
to be that loving, present,
captain of the ship.
And in the process, this is
what I said at the beginning,
we get to heal.
Our unfinished business that
looms its angry face sometimes
when we feel disrespected,
or overwhelmed, or confused,
or sad, or maybe I was that
child that had no friends.
And now I'm going to jump
through hoops to make sure
that, by gosh, every
child on the playground
plays with my
daughter, so I don't
have to reactivate my own
pain of loneliness as a child.
Not a healthy way to go.
I work through my
own material, I
support my child with the
resources that she has.
She's a different person.
So it's a pretty
magnificent process.
And I as I said, just feel
overjoyed to have landed
in what feels like
the work I'm supposed
to do and have met so
many amazing parents
around the world.
Even the online community,
I have a Facebook group,
and I have, I'm supposed to
say I have this newsletter.
You said I was
going to say this,
if you'd like to stay in
touch with the work I'm doing
please send a text message.
I'll just give you
this phone number
with the word newsletter in it.
It's 310-905-8165.
310-905-8165.
And you can be part of
our movement, our tribe.
We're doing so many
interesting things.
The next program coming up is on
co-parenting with a narcissist.
Very, very interesting.
With a woman who wrote, she's
a highly respected expert
in the field, Wendy
Behary, called
"Disarming the Narcissist."
But we do all kinds
of parenting programs
online so that we can
reach people remotely, just
as we're doing today.
So who has a question
that they'd like to ask?
AUDIENCE: So we have a
kid one year, four months.
And so do you have any
tips for how to communicate
with kids who don't talk yet?
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: Sure.
So you have a one-year-old.
So it's pre-verbal.
So some of the things
I'm talking about
aren't quite
relevant to you yet.
They will be if you
blink about five times.
That's how fast it changes.
So it's great that
you're learning now.
In fact I want to do more
work with expectant parents
because they have more
time to actually start
learning new approaches, and
then they can be more prepared.
With a young child, a lot of the
work I do tends to do with you,
so that as you start
to feel overwhelmed,
or stuff starts getting
triggered for you,
have the resources
to kind of look
at your own side
of the equation.
And then with a toddler,
you'll be doing a micro,
like a very simplified
version of some of this.
Like I love Harvey
Karp, who talks
about when a toddler
really wants something,
that you don't get real wordy.
That you match
about 30% of affect.
You want, you want,
you want to go outside.
So you can meet your child on
a very primal, simple level.
Even though the verbal
processing may not be,
they may not be able
to perfectly translate.
They'll get the feeling.
And so you acknowledge
them in that way,
and prepare yourself
for what's to come.
AUDIENCE: One of the things that
happens in our house sometimes
is they'll ask for,
one of my two daughters
will ask for something
like, another dessert,
or more screen time,
or something like that.
And we'll say, no.
And then they'll say, why.
Which is, I think
a real invitation
to go into lawyer mode
there, so what do you think
is a good approaches
to handle that.
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: Great.
I love the question.
A lot of times when
you have established
that something is not an
option, the child will say, why.
And I want you to get this,
it's code for, I really want it.
It's not, why.
You're just getting
confused because you
think that the word part
of a child's message
is actually their message.
That is not the case.
When a child is feeling
a lot of feelings
there's this gauzy
wrapping paper
that they wrap around
the emotional content
of what's going on for them.
And they deliver this gauzy
wrapped up thing, a feeling,
and the gauzy wrapping paper is
the word part of the message.
It is not the message.
And so, there will
be times, however,
when your child is calm,
respectful, and says,
I really want to know why.
And you can say, are you sure?
Do you want to know why
you can't have the dessert,
or is this your way of saying,
I really want the dessert.
I would just ask her.
Get it clear.
I'm not sure if you're
saying, that you genuinely
want my rational reasons,
or if this is just
another version of, I so
desperately want that dessert.
Tell me which it is.
Now I will also point
out that in my work,
I don't suggest that
you keep saying,
I know you really want the
dessert but you can't have it.
I know it's really
good, but I told you no.
I know that you really want
more dessert but in our house
you only get one.
If you keep reiterating
the no, first of all,
it's like salt in the wound.
It's kind of mean.
But it also disempowers you.
Because if you know
what-- and this
is why many parenting issues,
when I do work with my members,
a lot of it is just
helping parents
become more clear and decisive.
When you're clear,
you have an aroma.
And that's the captain thing.
And so you may need
to get super clear,
but once you're clear don't,
keep saying, no you can't.
But here's why, but no.
You said it once, it's already
established in your house,
I wouldn't even touch it.
I know you really
want the dessert.
I know it doesn't seem fair.
Not, I know it
doesn't seem fair,
but we don't half second
desserts in our house.
Does that makes sense to you?
AUDIENCE: So my
nine-year-old daughter,
she is really addicted to
Nintendo console games.
So when she's not
playing, she is
trying to get on
to YouTube to watch
other people play all the time.
So I'm thinking
about, maybe I should,
because myself I have
no interest in the games
at all, so I'm thinking
about maybe I should consider
playing with her.
To be more attached with her
in terms of this interest,
do you think that's a
good way to resolve that?
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: It's a
really interesting question.
I just did it this year, it's
still on susanstiffelman.com,
you can still get that
wonderful series on parenting
in the digital age.
And it's a huge topic
for me that I've
been writing, and thinking,
and teaching about.
And that question
is a tangled one.
I would prefer that you find an
interest that doesn't involve
parallel looking at a screen.
More contact, more real
life, 3-D engagement.
That's what I would prefer.
Now, I'm not saying this is
at all true for your daughter.
There are children for
instance on the spectrum,
with some degree of
autism or Aspergers,
where that is a very
effective way and perhaps
the easiest way to connect.
And there are children
who are depressed,
and again this is
not your daughter,
but I have, when
I've done my classes,
when we start to work with
helping kids sort of wean
off unlimited amounts
of time on the screen.
It's often a mask or cover up
for anxiety and depression.
And I would want to
rule that out that,
that she is able to function
and enjoy the world.
Because otherwise
it's just covering up
another issue, which sadly
is true for many children.
Many kids, that's the only time
they feel good, or relaxed,
or safe.
And then finally,
it's a process.
You would need to be clear
about what the limits are.
But I guess my shorter, coming
back to the original answer
would be, I wouldn't
mind her teaching
you a little bit about the
game, as an entry point.
But I guess I would
prefer that you
think outside the box with
something really interesting.
Maybe as an offshoot.
Maybe drawing
Nintendo characters,
or building them
out of something
that's a little more 3-D.
AUDIENCE: Actually,
she did try to teach me
but I guess I did not
meet her expectation.
[LAUGHTER]
SUSAN STIFFELMAN: Well
that's good information.
It's not your thing and you
can be very honest with her
and say, here's the truth.
I love authenticity with our
kids, they love the truth
and they smell it anyway.
Sweetheart, I'm wanting
to connect with you more.
I was thinking maybe
I would try Nintendo,
but clearly it's just
not in my wheel house.
Here's a big pad of
paper, let's just
together write all the
things we love doing
and see where
there's some overlap.
And make that an activity,
a bonding activity,
to do with her to come up
with ideas of other things
that you could do.
It could be digging
holes in the backyard,
I don't care what it is.
Could be a worm farm.
OK.
I guess that's it,
we need to wrap up.
Thank you all for
tuning in and listening.
Thank you so much, Rutika,
for hosting this event
and I look forward to staying
in touch with all of you.
SPEAKER 1: Thank you.
Thank you, Susan for coming.
[APPLAUSE]
