Mitt Romney is wearing crazy underwear.
 He’s wearing magic underwear.
 He is.
 I mean, under his pants, he is wearing magic
underwear.
 Magic underwear.
 And he believes that a convicted con man
got golden tablets that no one else could
see, and sat with an angel to find out that
the original Jews of the Bible were living
in North America.
 Crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy.
 But… just more modern, not more crazy,
than other religions.
 Not more crazy than Islam, you know, with
your… not more crazy than virgin births
and resurrections.
 Not more crazy than any of that stuff.
 What’s really fascinating to me, fascinating,
is that… and I cover this in my book when
I say signs you may already be an atheist,
it fascinates me that you can have the Bible
Belt and you can have a court trial, and we’ve
seen this.
 I’m going to use it hypothetically, but
you’ll know the specifics I’m talking
about, I just don’t want to talk about that
kind of pain too directly, it’s too unpleasant
for me.
 But hypothetically, in the Bible Belt, where
you can have a born-again Christian Judge,
born-again Christian Judge.
 I believe the Bible is the literal word
of God, there were talking snakes, there were
talking snakes and virgin births.
 Burning bushes and Abraham being willing
to kill his son for God.
 He believes that.
 
 The jury is made up of 12 people who, let’s
say 10 of them believe that.
 And two of them believe that, but a little
less.
 You’re Prosecuting Attorney believes that.
 The people that are sitting in the courtroom
believe that.
 These are all people that know each other
in church.
 And the person on the witness stand says
that she killed her three children in cold
blood because God told her to.
 And every single person in the courtroom
decides whether she is guilty or not guilty
by reason of insanity.
 Those are the two choices they weigh.
 And nobody, not the Defense Attorney, not
the Judge, not the jury people, not the people
in the gallery, not one person stands up and
goes, maybe God told her to.
 It’s less weird than the talking snake.
 Maybe God told her to.
   And in this country, which they say
over and over again is founded on Christian
values, and I’ll give them that; founded
on Christian values.
 Okay, it is, fine.
 This country, founded on Christian values
has guilty, not guilty, not guilty by reason
of insanity, end of list.
 There is nothing that says, not guilty because
God told me to.
 And why?
 Why isn’t that there?
 Why isn’t this country allowing in the
court system someone to go on the witness
stand and go, “Snake walked up to me, snaked
opened his mouth, snake said, ‘go into McDonald’s,
pull out an AK15, kill 10 people, walk back
out,’ snake told me that.
 It’s that snake there, he’s not talking
anymore.
 I throw myself on the mercy of the court.
 Aren’t you all good Christians?
 Don’t you believe in the miracles of the
Bible?
 You’re seeing one now.”
   And that’s the part that amazes
me is that kind of stuff.
 So Mitt Romney comes along and at some level
doesn’t he know what he believes is crazy?
 At some level, isn’t he going, “There
weren’t Jews in North America.”
 You know, that’s not where the Garden
of Eden was.
 Doesn’t that go through his mind?
 And that’s the part of that whole thing
that kills me.
 If Mitt Romney really believes what he says
he believes, he is bug-nutty, bat shit crazy.
 And he’s not, bug-nutty, bat shit crazy.
 He’s the same as Obama.
 If Obama believes what he was being taught
in that church in Chicago, okay, he is bat
shit crazy.
 And Obama is demonstratively not bat shit
crazy.
   So we have this weird deal we make
with all the politicians where we say, you
can say you believe bug nutty, bat shit crazy
shit, and we’ll shrug it off because you’re
clearly not bug nutty, bat shit crazy.
 And all I want out of our politicians is
for them to just say, “You know, a lot of
the religious stuff I’m talking about is
bug nutty, bat shit crazy, but I’m not.”
 Because I don’t think any of these men
and women are crazy.
 And I’ll even give you Michelle Bachman,
I’ll even give you Rick Perry, I’ll even
give you Sarah Palin.
 I don’t have that cynical MSNBC point
of view that they are bug nutty, bat shit
crazy.
 I think they are good people who somehow
think that they’re morality and their love
for humanity and their love for their families
are tied up in this weird tradition.
 And when they think that the Bible is the
word of God, I think they mean something else.
 I sometimes think that many other people
are speaking in a code that I’ve not been
given the key to.
   When someone says to me, I believe
in the Bible literally.
 Well, I personally, Penn Jillette, read
about a chapter in the Bible a day.
 I just read through it, over and over again.
 So when someone says, they believe in the
word of God literally, I go back and think
about Genesis, where people were living to
be 900 years old.
 And I say bullshit!
 And then I think about Noah and the flood,
killing everybody?
 God that loves us kills everybody?
 And he wants to get two of every species
and seven of the ones that are clean onto
a boat that floats for that amount of time?
 And I just go, really?
 Because you don’t act that way.
 You’re able to go to Home Depot, you’re
able to pay with a credit card, you’re able
to go to Starbucks, you know how to use a
computer.
 Really?
 Do you really mean that?
 What do you mean literally?
 Do you really mean that you’re going to
stone someone to death who because they work
on the Sabbath, are you really gonna do that?
 Really, honestly?
 You’re gonna take a rock in your hand
and throw at the mother-fucker’s head because
he worked on a Sunday to support his family?
 Are you really gonna do that?
 If you mix cotton and linen in your clothing
are you really going to go to hell?
 What do you mean when you say that?
   And no one’s ever answered me.
 There’s a code going on that I need the
Rosetta Stone.
 I need someone to sit me down and go, Penn,
when Obama says he went to that church and
they talked about all this stuff being literal,
what he really meant was… fill in the blank!
 Tell me!
 What does he really mean?
 These people are good, honest, smart, not
bat shit crazy people, so why the fuck are
they saying bat shit crazy stuff to me?
