- I'm really drunk as
the dickens right now,
Christmas drunk, actually.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, of course we drink
when we mention Christmas,
I don't know the rules to your game.
(energetic music)
♪ Pack your stupid friends
into your stupid car ♪
♪ Don't get a DUI, you know who you are ♪
- Open the doors!
♪ Tonight you are not going
to another stupid bar, ♪
♪ That would be lame ♪
♪ It's at the Brew Haha: The
Drinking Game Comedy Show ♪
♪ Drink when the light flashes ♪
♪ Brew Haha: The Drinking
Game Comedy Show ♪
♪ Let's get drunk off our asses ♪
♪ We're gonna L-O-L at Brew Haha, ♪
♪ We're gonna L-O-L tonight, yeah ♪
- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Brew Haha: The Comedy Show Drinking Game,
how y'all feelin' tonight?
(audience cheers)
- No, I'm nervous, can you tell?
I'm not normally nervous for the show,
usually I'm confident, I'm cool,
I'm the guy, I go up there, I'm like,
hey, what's up guys, you're
partyin' in my backyard,
but this time, there's
cameras, there's more people.
- [Interviewer] But are you
excited for tonight's show?
- I'm so excited.
- So excited
(chuckling)
for tonight's show!
Fuckin' show!
- For those of you who
haven't been here before,
we start Brew Haha with some traditions.
The first tradition is I tell stories
from previous parties,
guys, last party had one
of my favorite stories of all time.
Somebody at the party
Postmated some alcohol
to be at the party.
(audience laughs)
They Postmated some
alcohol to be at the party,
right, the Postmate shows
up and tries to look
for this person, they
cannot find the person.
So the Postmate just stayed
and drank all of the booze.
(audience laughs)
It was one of the coolest
things we've ever had happen.
Was anybody in the front yard last month?
Of course, the people who
weren't here early enough
to get seats.
(audience laughs)
That dude was tight, though, right?
Cool.
(audience laughs)
Confirmed. (laughing)
Confirmed he was tight!
One of my favorite things
that's ever happened at the show
happened not too long ago,
happened this past year,
and it was a dude broke our toilet.
I was chillin' in the
kitchen, I heard a loud crash,
and later I found out that loud crash was
'cause somebody go so drunk
that they fell off the toilet,
and they brought the toilet with them.
Like the seat came off, the lid came off,
water was actually squirting everywhere.
But from inside the kitchen,
I just heard a loud crash,
and from inside the bathroom,
I just hear this dude say,
oh Damian, you've done it again.
(audience laughs)
How many toilets do you have to break
where you come up with
your own catch phrase?
(audience laughs)
Fuck yeah, are you guys ready to help us
make some more memories tonight?
(audience cheers)
Uh-uh, are you guys ready to help us
make some more memories tonight!
(audience roars)
(energetic music)
Ladies and gentlemen at Brew Haha,
let me explain to you how
this drinking game works.
We have two simultaneous drinking games,
one for you, the audience,
and one for the comics.
For you, the audience, we're
created a drinking game
that goes along with stand-up comedy.
Anytime this sign lights
up, you guys take a drink.
It'll fuck 'em up, it'll be awesome,
they will stumble, it's gonna be so fun.
For the comics, they will be getting
progressively drunker throughout the show.
Also, they will be chugging at the top
of their set for as many seconds as rules
that the previous comic broke.
So if I'm comic number three, and comic
number two has broken
eight rules, I will chug
for eight seconds at the top of my set.
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, for your
drinking game rules for tonight,
I'm turning it over to
our Rule Master, Marissa.
- What's up, guys!
(audience cheers)
Number one, whenever a comic talks
in a funny voice or sings.
Number two, whenever a comic talks
about a relationship, past or present.
Number three, whenever a comic
talks about drugs or alcohol.
Number four, whenever a
comic talks about politics.
(audience boos)
Boo.
Number five, whenever a
comic talks to somebody
in the audience, and number six,
whenever a comic tries to
figure out what the rules are.
Cool?
(audience cheers)
- [Brad] Hell yeah.
- Yeah, let's do it!
- Are we gonna do an audience rule or no?
- Let's get one, we'll get
an audience rule.
- Okay, let's get
an audience rule, who
has an idea for a rule?
Genitals?
Genitals it is.
(audience laughs)
- [Marissa] Talks about
their genitals, I love it.
- Round of applause for
Marissa, our Rule Master.
(audience cheers)
Turning it over to Jimmy the Bartender
for the bartender's toast,
Jimmy the Bartender, everyone.
(audience cheers)
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
- Blessed be to Dionysus,
glad you all could come and join us,
you made your way and
brought a friend too,
so have a laugh and grab a brew.
As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I take a look at my life and
realize there's nothing left.
The next time, tell your friends
bring your ma and pa, I hereby
sanction this Brew Haha.
(audience roars)
- Are you ready for
this Brew Haha to start?
In principle?
(audience cheers)
Guys, this first comic
is a Brew Haha legend,
oh my god, she is so fuckin' funny,
make as much noise as you
can for Deb DiGiovanni!
(audience cheers loudly)
(energetic music)
- Everyone here knows what they're in for,
and they're thrilled to be here.
It's like they all got,
like, a secret invite,
and everyone's, like, glad to be invited.
(gasping) They're gonna be loaded.
(audience clapping)
Hello everyone, keep it
goin' for Brad, look at him.
Look at him.
(audience cheers)
The bite size man, are
you kidding, look at him.
The appetizer, (laughing)
yeah, I love you!
I'll say this to you people right now,
I'm an old woman, I'm an
old goat, I can't tell you,
legally, how old I am in Los Angeles,
'cause they will chase me out of the city.
(laughing) All right,
over 30, burn her, witch!
But here's the thing, I am an old woman,
but I am, I look much
younger than I am, like,
if I was to tell you my real
age, you would all be like,
stop, Debra, you look so young!
That's what you would say,
get ready to say that,
but here's the thing, here's the thing.
The only reason I look
young is 'cause I'm fat.
That is the only reason,
it fills in the lines,
are you kidding me, all
you idiots wasting money
on Botox, this is fucking
cheese right here,
(audience laughs)
$8.99 a block, dum-dums,
look at this face!
Cherubic face, are you kidding!
Oh, I'm gonna die soon,
for sure, for sure.
But I am gonna look
good, are you kidding me!
Did she die as a baby, was
she a baby when she died?
Makes for the better story.
Here's somethin' else, I got
cat-called the other day,
I was on the street for five minutes,
and I got cat-called, it was
real cats, though. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
I was hearin', Debra, I was like, hi cats!
You know what I mean, we played
for a minute, it was fun!
But here's the thing, cats are not stupid,
they know I'm the leader, they're like,
let's follow the big one,
she's covered with crumbs!
They're not dumb, they're not dumb,
but I'll tell ya this, I don't want anyone
to be cat-called, I want
all women to feel safe
and equal every minute of their life,
but listen to me now when I tell ya this,
the day that cat-calling
ends, ooh-hoo-hoo,
that's a cold fuckin' day,
d'you know what I'm saying?
If you walk by a group
of men and it's silent,
(whines) it hurts your
heart, it hurts your heart!
(audience laughs)
I would do anything to
be demeaned right now,
do ya know what I mean,
(audience laughs)
just debase me a little
bit, I just want this,
I just want this, is he following
me? (exclaims nervously)
You know, I just want
that, shut up, fear is hot.
Fuck you people, fear is hot!
Gets your blood up, is he gonna chase me?
Oh no! (screaming)
(audience laughs)
Come on, come on, please don't chase me
after the show, don't, I have a bad knee!
Oh why'd I tell ya that,
that makes it easy.
Another thing that terrifies
me, people that sleep naked.
Who sleeps naked, round of applause.
(audience whooping)
Oh, you're champions, let me tell ya this.
You are a hero if you sleep naked,
anything can happen in the middle
of the night, you're very vulnerable!
Let's say you're in bed naked,
and the house sets on fire. (yelling)
Now what do ya do, smarty no-pants,
I mean, seriously, you're in
bed, very, very vulnerable.
Okay, now I do not sleep naked,
number one, you're welcome,
feel free to drop by,
but number two, everyone,
I'll tell ya this,
the reason I don't sleep
naked, you gotta go with me
on this, the reason I don't sleep naked is
because I'm scared
something is gonna crawl
into me, now listen to me on this.
(audience laughs)
Listen, it's 'cause I watch
a lot of horror movies.
And then I follow it with
pornography right after.
(audience roars)
That is a terrible combination,
you're not gettin' eight hours after that,
there's no way, that is night terrors!
Pornography is scary, though,
now, can we admit that?
(audience whoops)
Do you remember, none
of you are old enough,
but do you remember when porn
used to be gentle and nice,
they would order a pizza,
that's what they did
in the olden days, you could not fuck
until there was pizza, do
you know what I'm saying?
I was into it, I'm not gonna lie.
I tell you, watching the
ordering of the pizza was
almost enough, do you know
what I'm talkin' about?
I was like, double cheese? (moaning)
I'm aroused, y'know, I'm gonna watch this.
And then the man that delivers the pizza,
he's young, he's muscular, the woman,
who ordered the pizza, she
has no money to pay for it.
(laughs nervously) Oh no!
(chuckling) What is she gonna do?
She figures out a way to pay the man,
d'you know what I'm saying?
Using the barter system,
if you know what I mean.
But here's the thing,
once the pizza's arrived,
I turn the movie off, 'cause
once the pizza's arrived,
(chuckles) yeah, so have I,
d'you know what I'm saying?
(audience laughs)
I'm pretending to smoke a cigarette,
d'you see that, it was acting! (laughs)
L.A.'s changed me, but I'll say this,
in the olden days, they
used to use a feather
as a tool of seduction as well, seriously,
there'd be a moment where in the movie,
the man would be like, all right,
it's time to get sexy with my woman,
and he would get a feather out
from I don't know where he found it,
like on the ground, (gagging)
like out of his pocket,
like a damp feather?
(gagging)
(audience laughs)
Let me just say this right now,
you come at me with a feather,
I'm gonna fuckin' knock ya down,
d'ya know what I'm sayin'?
(audience laughs)
I'm horny, I'm not dusty, let's do this,
y'know what I'm talkin' about?
Please don't look at me,
please don't look at me!
Here's somethin' else I'll tell ya,
I feel like one of the
things that bonds us
as humans, d'you remember the first thing
you thought was sexy when
you were a young person,
do you remember, you're 12, you're 13,
I bet that theme still
exists in your pornography,
think about it, I'm 12 years old,
me and my best friend Shanna Partlow,
we found her mom's romance novels, ah, ah!
Tucked right in, d'you know?
But here's the thing, as an old woman,
I still read the same romance novels,
but I didn't know better
at 12, now I know better,
'cause the books that I
read are very old-fashioned,
they're very chauvinistic, right?
I realize, I'm feminist, the
men always treat the women
like they own them, like they're property.
(chuckles) And it is so
hot, I know it's wrong.
(audience laughs)
I know it's wrong!
It's 2018, I'm a feminist,
d'you know what I mean,
we all want equality, between the sexes,
but let's be honest,
everyone, sex between equals?
(chuckles) Boo, am I right
(audience drowns her out)?
(audience laughs)
That is no good! (laughs)
Fuck me like I make less money!
Anyway, shut up, don't lie
to me, don't lie to me,
come on, come on, I wanna be
a feminist in the streets,
but oppressed in the sheets,
y'know what I'm talkin' about?
(audience laughs)
Come on, come on!
You're welcome, you'll
think about it later, yeah,
and you are welcome! (laughing)
I'll say this to you, another thing too,
I watch a lot of pornography,
and I also watch shows
about jail, 'cause it seems
to go together well,
d'ya know what I mean?
I'm not really scared of jail,
I'm scared that I'm not gonna make
friends in prison, that scares me.
It's not the loss of
freedom, it's the loneliness,
it'll getcha, y'know what I mean.
Can you imagine being in
prison for three years
and not making any friends,
y'know what I mean.
It's like movin' to L.A.
all over again. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
(yells)
Oh that was, that was too
real, that was too real.
That did, that hurt my
heart, it did hurt my heart,
of course, my heart always
hurts, I should exercise.
Anyway, I've got a doctor...
(audience laughs)
Here's the thing, all right,
so I'm watching this show
about jail, right, what I didn't know
about jail is they take the shoelaces
out of your shoes, d'you
know why they do that?
(audience mumbles)
- Hang yourself.
- Yes, thank you girls, so you don't
hang yourself in your
jail cell, a shoelace?
I'm sorry, are there
supermodels goin' to prison?
That I wasn't aware of, let
me tell ya this right now,
if I could hang myself
with a shoelace, (laughs)
I've reached my goal
weight, are you kidding me?
(audience laughs exuberantly)
Big day for Debra, strip me naked
and take some pictures,
y'know what I mean,
but put a filter on it,
I'm not a fuckin' weirdo,
d'ya know what I mean, a
little Valencia, so soft.
Here's somethin' else, one
thing that really sort of,
it's all over the media right now, is like
people being offended by stuff
that someone said something, and oh tweet,
I had a woman come up to me after a show,
and she's like, excuse me, (mumbles)
you're not allowed to use the word slut,
and I was like, whatever, slut, anyway,
I'm kidding, I'm kidding, all right,
to be honest, I don't
even use the word slut
in my real life, I don't,
but I could to everyone,
because there is a rule
in comedy that says
I'm allowed to tell jokes about sluts
because one of my sisters is a slut.
So therefore, I know what you're thinkin',
that's not nice, but I have three sisters,
so you don't know which
one I'm talking about,
y'know what I mean,
unless you know my family,
then you totally know
who I'm talking about!
It is Erica, anyway,
she's a whore, (laughs)
thank you guys, you've been wonderful,
we'll see ya again!
(audience cheering loudly)
Enjoy the rest of the show!
That was stupid good, like,
that was just ridiculous.
I'm trying to figure
out what the words were,
what the secret words
were, I think it was lie,
don't kid yourself,
'cause I said kid, anyway.
You can tell how much fun
I've had when I'm this sweaty.
D'ya know what I mean,
if you ever see me dry
after a show, I bombed,
I bombed. (chuckles)
- Ladies and gentlemen,
comin' to the stage next,
make some noise for Mr. Dave Gborie!
(audience cheers)
Marissa, how long we drinkin'?
- [Marissa] 11 seconds.
- [Brad] 11 seconds, guys, count us down.
(energetic music)
- [Audience] 11, 10, nine,
eight, seven, six, five, four, three,
- How many drinks did you have
before you conducted this interview,
who are you, the cops?
- [Audience] two, one, whoo!
- I've been havin' a tough year,
(mumbles) been a difficult year,
I miss the Winter Olympics.
(audience laughs)
And no one seem, women's
hockey was incredible,
that wasn't my favorite, shut up.
(audience laughs)
Nobody seems to be talkin' about (mumbles)
I miss the Winter Olympics
'cause I think it's beautiful.
I think that it's beautiful
that once every four years,
as Americans, we can all come together,
no matter who you are
or where you're from,
and we can unite under racism
towards other countries.
(audience laughs)
Y'know, I'm not here advocating racism
to you every day, (snickers)
but it feels good,
like, I said shit during
the Winter Olympics
that I would never say in real life,
but I was just so excited
'cause of patriotism.
(audience laughs)
At one point, I was sittin' in my room,
it was, like, four o'clock in the mornin',
and I was watchin' the
Japanese women's curling team,
and they pushed the stone,
and to no one in particular,
in my room, I just said
out loud, (clicks tongue)
yeah, they curl like that
'cause they're sneaky.
And I'm not that kinda person!
(audience laughs)
But the Olympics just brought it outta me,
I got so excited, it fucked
me up, 'cause by the end,
I couldn't watch the Olympics anymore,
'cause by the end of it,
I started gettin' racist
towards the black people,
and that's my line.
(audience laughs)
And at one point, the
Nigerian bobsled team came
on the screen, and once
again, alone in my room
and no one in particular, I just said,
Nigerian bobsled team!
(audience laughs)
Sounds like one of their scams.
(audience roars)
I'm not that kinda guy, I'm tryin' not
to be racist anymore, I've been prejudiced
most of my life, if I tell you the truth.
But I feel like I've
earned all my prejudices,
so I don't feel as bad
about it. (chuckles)
But you gotta earn the reason
that you're prejudiced,
you gotta earn it, for example,
for a good chunk of my
life, I hated Muslims.
(clicks tongue)
And it's mostly just 'cause my dad is one,
and I don't like that guy that much.
(audience laughs)
Like, if you woulda asked
me when I was a little boy,
if you would've said, hey, David,
do you think Muslims are terrorists?
I'da said, well, they
certainly don't call you
on your birthday.
(audience laughs)
I had a weird...
I feel like we're friends, I can tell you
what's been happenin' to me in the world.
I had a weird New Year's
because I was hangin' out
with one of my dumb
friends, and I smoked crack.
But don't judge me, I smoked
crack 'cause I'm a good person.
Is crack one of the words,
'cause crackety-crack-crack.
I smoked crack with my
friend, I was in the room
with him, we were hangin'
out, it was New Year's Eve,
he was explainin' to me
how what he was doin'
was not smokin' crack, it was freebasin',
and if you ever in a
position where you have
to defend your actions
as not smokin' crack,
you're like 100% smoking crack!
(audience laughs)
Like, that's what you're
doin', just own it!
And I smoked crack with
him, but it was like,
have you ever smoked
crack to prove a point?
(audience laughs)
That's what happened to me, I did it
'cause I'm a good friend, right, like,
I was watchin' him do it, and I was like,
is this what you wanna be
doin', this is who you are now?
This is who you are now,
gimme that fuckin' pipe,
look at me, I'm Jason, is this
why you can't see your kids, Jason?
Gimme that fuckin' lighter,
look at me, I'm Jason!
I'm shirkin' all my responsibility!
And then I smoked crack, just like that.
(audience laughs)
And it fucks me up now
because I feel like,
at least for the next few months,
I have to identify as a crack smoker.
(snorts)
(audience laughs)
Like if somebody comes in
this backyard and they say,
raise your hand if you've
smoked crack this year,
I have to raise my hand,
and it makes me feel bad,
'cause I don't feel like
you guys will trust me
about subjects because I'm a crack smoker.
But I have other shit I wanna talk to you,
I wanna talk to you about Donald Trump,
who is a terrible man, but
you know what he doesn't do?
Smoke crack, (mumbles)
(audience laughs)
Me and these rocks!
I'm gonna talk about
Donald Trump, man, fuck it.
I think he's, like, the worst, obviously.
But I do understand
him, like, I relate more
to Donald Trump than I
do to a lot of my heroes.
Like, when I was younger,
one of my biggest heroes
in the world was always Jay-Z,
he accrued generational wealth,
in 15 years, he went from sellin' drugs
to hangin' out with the president,
and he brought a basketball
team to his hometown,
like, there's not a lot of
Americans better than that,
that's what this was built on.
(audience cheering)
Yeah, that's what this was built on.
That bein' said, I'm not like Jay-Z,
I'm not a Jay-Z style person, like,
I'm a big dumb idiot who fails upwards,
so if I look around the
world, and I see somebody
like me who's succeeding,
to be inspired by,
then yeah, at this point, my
biggest hero might be Trump.
Because if he could be
president, I could do anything.
(audience laughs)
Like, I can't be a doctor
out here, he's not qualified!
I also am just, I'm just
so much more like Trump
than I am like Jay-Z, like,
here's the perfect example.
When I was 12 years old,
I put my penis in a bowl of oatmeal.
(audience laughs)
Just to, like, see how
it felt or whatever.
And I am 100% sure Jay-Z
has never done that.
Donald Trump, on the other hand, (giggles)
it's like a 30% chance he's got his dick
in some oatmeal right now.
(audience laughs)
Look at his face, he's an
oatmeal dicker from way back.
We know our own, it's crazy,
'cause I told that joke
over, like, five different
states this summer,
and every state I told
it in, I was expecting
somebody to come up to me and be like,
ay, bro, dick in oatmeal, me too. (snorts)
(audience laughs)
And what I learned over five
states is that apparently,
me and Donald Trump are the
last revolutionaries left,
(audience laughs)
nobody's doin' that shit!
I've been David Gborie,
guys, thank you so much.
(audience cheering)
Besides this show, I don't
really perform drunk a lot,
it's real easy to lose control, so like,
maybe they got a little confused,
maybe now they think
I'm a Trump supporter,
but it was just the booze, it's not,
that's not me, it's me, baby, you know me.
I talk like I fell down,
like one time, bad.
- Are you guys ready for
your last comic of the night?
(audience cheering loudly)
He's a legend (giggling),
he really is, though,
he's one of my favorites, he's closed
out the show many a time, we
haven't had him in a while,
he always gets pretty drunk
and has a pretty good time
with us, ladies and gentlemen,
make some noise for Mr. Chris Fairbanks!
(audience cheers)
Thank you, Marissa, how long
are Chris and I drinkin'?
- [Marissa] Uh, six,
six rules were broken,
but I feel like y'all should
drink for, like, 15 seconds.
- Yeah, sure, 15 seconds,
count us down, everyone!
Fuckin' this guy real hard,
okay, countdown for 15!
- [Audience] 15, 14, 13, 12,
(suspenseful music)
11, 10, nine, eight, seven,
(music intensifies)
(people chattering)
- 12.
Thanks, do you ever have
three or four drinks
and then you're like,
well, uh, better not.
(audience laughs)
Better not have anymore.
They say this is the
biggest fear in America,
they tell me, or you
hear, that in America,
public speaking is the number one fear,
which, I'm like, come on, I think
we all can agree right
now that our biggest fear
in America is getting tipped over
while sitting in a porta potty,
(audience laughs)
If ya think about it, I mean, holy cats.
I know ya can't tell by lookin' at me,
but I've had a pretty rough life.
Yeah, looks like I was
born with a silver spoon
in my ass, but I was...
(audience laughs)
From the beginning, I actually, as a baby,
I blew out my knee taking
my very first step.
(audience laughs)
Actually when I was a
kid, my parents told me
the ice cream truck only plays music
when they're out of ice cream, so...
- [Audience] Aww.
- Yeah, yeah.
That is so sad.
(audience laughs)
I'm okay now, though,
I went to the barkeep,
or bartend, barkeep, I'm from the 1820s,
by the way, I got a little barkeep, uh...
I just came to warn you
town folk of a flood comin'!
Sarsaparilla, I don't
know, I don't do a lotta
ch-aracters, characters.
(audience laughs)
Or ch-aracters, I do some ch-aracter work,
actually, I do a lot of ch-aracter work,
for, uh, c-arity, ya know,
there's ch-ids out there,
some of 'em, they're just c-ildren,
they go their whole lives
without seein' a good,
solid ch-aracter, which is
why I started my c-arity,
Ch-aracters for c-ildren and ch-ids,
and we do a lot of important work.
Especially around the holidays.
(audience laughs)
I don't hunt, I'm scared of hunting,
(stammering) the hunting
was the first reason
I didn't like guns, I'm just like,
one time I was given a gun,
and my knees just shook,
mostly 'cause I was wearin' shorts.
Anyway, the point is, I
should be wearin' pants,
that's my point, goodnight!
No.
(audience laughs)
I don't like guns, there's my point,
we're back at it, I don't
even like fishing, I get...
I don't like killing stuff, but one time,
I went fishing on a boat, it was right,
you know where it is, I was pointing.
(audience laughs)
Right over there, got on
the boat, ya know, Catalina.
So I get on this boat, there's a lot
of professionals on it,
and they give you a pole,
an then there's bait on
it, in troughs, like,
squid and sardines, live
ones, like, floppin' around,
these are already alive
fish, and these are the,
they're the bait, so you have to grab,
it's a big hook, and you have to hook 'em
in the head, so I was already like,
I don't wanna fish, oh grab a fish
and murder it by hand,
mm-hmm, and I was...
But after awhile, I was like,
(mumbles) have another one
right in the eye, fucker!
Like, I was doin' it, I was fishing,
and then I cast my line, and
the fish was still floppin',
I'll never forget, and
I'm not fuckin' kidding,
I cast and the fish, and a bird flew,
a bird, a big bird, like an albatross,
or a seagull that just
really took care of himself,
swept down, swallowed it in mid-air,
swallowed the bait, I
saw it go down his neck,
and then I'm just fuckin' standin' there,
flyin' a fish like a
kite, a bird-fi, like,
flyin' a bird, reeling him in,
reeling him in, like,
trying to save the bird.
While crying, 'cause my fishing
just got elevated to hunting, I was now...
(audience laughs)
I'm a hunter now.
I got him real close, then I was tryin'
to get my fingers in the beak,
and then the head fishman or whatever came
and clipped the line, and he flew off.
Is he gonna be okay,
he's like, oh fuck no.
He just swallowed a big
hook, you murdered him.
(exhales) So glad that I Ubered.
I just, I'm bad at
parking is my (mumbles).
I'm really drunk as the dickens right now,
Christmas drunk, actually.
(audience laughs)
Do ya ever, yeah, I've
gotten to the point, thanks,
yeah, of course we drink
when we mention Christmas,
I don't know the rules to your game.
I wanna be a father,
and I don't think I can,
is anyone here a doctor, when
I climax, nothin' comes out.
There is a loud bang and a puff of smoke,
and then a flag unfurls
and says jizz on it.
I have better jokes than that,
I have better jokes than that.
It's weird, it happened suddenly,
I'm at the age where I
should have him, or her,
and I'll just talk,
like, I'll be in a mall,
I'm like, hey kids, and then they come,
they come to me, man, I'm like, fuckin'...
And I know it's weird
for me to talk about,
and like, parents'll come by,
who are you, talkin' to my kid, it's like,
fuck you, I'm not tryin'
to molest your kid,
he's a redhead.
(audience laughs)
And that's not funny, and Brad,
I'm sorry to you, I'm sorry to a lot,
I'm not talkin' about the adults,
redheads grow up to be beautiful grownups,
but the kids, right, no thanks.
He doesn't have eyebrows,
can we put him back?
(mumbling)
(audience laughs)
Just keep him in there, you guys,
fuckin' alcohol is a weird beast.
(audience laughs)
I bought a little cactus,
and I was watering him a lot,
and he died, and doesn't
it suck to find out
you're less nurturing than the desert?
(audience laughs)
Friend of mine, or a guy I
know, or somebody somewhere,
(audience laughs)
got bit by a shark, close, we're close,
he got bit by a shark, right
in the torso. (chuckles)
Maybe the worst part
of your body, ya know,
when it comes to shark bites,
and people are always like,
ah, it's always sink or
swim when it's that moment,
don't even try and
swim, sharks are better.
If a shark's comin',
be like, well, fuck it,
(imitates bubbles) and get underwater,
and keep your eyes open, now you can see.
See, I've thought about
this, so if a shark's
right there, you know
what to do instinctively
when there's a shark in front
of ya, as a human, right,
ya wind up, and ya punch him, you know,
where do you punch him?
- [Audience] The nose!
- (stammering) The gills, that's right,
you punch 'em right in the fuckin' gills,
ya reach in there, ya grab their brain,
ya pull it out and ya
show it to their eyes
at the last second, if you
do this shit fast enough,
their synapses'd still be firing,
and you'll be like, ugh, is that my brain?
Too late, motherfucker!
(audience laughs)
And then you shove it in his blowhole,
I haven't done a lot of research.
You guys havin', you
kids havin' sex, fuck!
You havin' sex tonight, don't do it.
Don't have it, if you do have it,
wear a condom, that's all I'm here to say.
I mean, I don't wear 'em,
but one time I didn't,
and I really remembered that I didn't,
'cause I woke up, and
there was, like, a blemish
on, and I don't mean to be graphic,
but we're all doctors, I woke up,
and there was a blister right at the tip
of my penis there, I know, this ends fine.
Anyway, I was like,
holy cats, that's herps,
I got the herpes, ya
know, one in three people,
guess my number got called,
like at a shitty deli.
And I was in a panic, I'll
be honest, I was like,
fuck that, and I went to
the Planned Parenthood
and I was like, help,
and I had it out already,
and they're like, yep, can you leave?
Right away, she looked at
it, I think she was a doctor,
and she was like, that's a burn.
I do drink too much, but
I also am a good roommate,
and so when I...
(audience laughs)
When I use the bathroom,
y'know, to its full potential,
I just, I kinda light a match,
and I'll fumigate the room, and then
where do you put a hot
match when you're done
with the, uh, ya throw it in the trash,
it'll start a fire, don't do that,
ya throw it in the toilet, and I happen
to sit when I pee, does
anyone have a narrow urethra?
Anyway, I sit when I, so I just kinda
spread my legs and threw the match
exactly on my dick, and I was like,
well that's gonna burn for a second.
Not a whole second, I was
like, one Mississippi,
the pain's subsiding! (snorts)
Who would I yell that to, uh anyway,
I forgot about all that
until she was like,
you burnt your dick,
dummy, and then I was like,
ya know what, I do quite vividly remember
burning my own penis,
I'll just probly leave.
Through the door I came in, ah,
which is what I'm gonna do now, thanks,
I'm Chris Fairbanks, you
guys have been great!
(audience cheering)
- Ladies and gentleman, Chris Fairbanks!
(audience cheers loudly)
- I'm not endorsing drinking, you know,
to be successful, God
knows I'm not a success,
according, ya know, to my
dad or neighbors, but I...
That was a fun set because I
was drunk, so think about that.
(audience whooping)
Ladies and gentlemen, this
backyard that has been
your Brew Haha: The
Comedy Show Drinking Game!
One last round of applause,
everybody have a good night!
(audience roaring)
They laughed, they loved,
they drank, they laughed.
Here's the crazy thing about
Brew Haha: The Comedy Show Drinking Game,
nothing's crazy, here's the thing,
♪ We started off friends. ♪
(giggles) Kelly Clarkson,
you heard of her?
Here's the thing about
Brew Haha: The Comedy Show
Drinking Game, brought
to you by Thrillist.
And tonight, we fuckin'
did a Thrillist Presents
Brew Haha: The Comedy Show Drinking Game,
'cause Thrillist knows what's
cool, and for some reason,
they picked me, y'know what I'm sayin'.
Everybody makes mistakes.
