The latest heir to the British throne is finally
here!
Sadly, Prince William and Duchess Catherine
declined our request to be the first site
with close-up photos of their bouncing baby
boy, so here’s a generic baby wearing a
crown instead.
Luckily, most every baby looks alike, so we
probably came real close.
Sadly, if some party-poopers have their way,
the newborn King might never get a chance
to reign.
Arguments that the monarchy should be abolished
continue to pop up, and don’t show signs
of going away.
Well, in order to stop those dastardly Republicans
and their Cromwell wannabes, here are 10 reasons
God should save the Queen, instead of letting
her get pushed out of a helicopter into an
erupting volcano (we assume that’s how they’d
abolish the Monarchy if it came to that).
10.
Tourism Revenue
Attractions related to the monarchy bring
in roughly 500 million pounds a year from
overseas tourists, which we’re told converts
into “a lot of sweet, sweet skrilla.”
To be fair, many of these attractions are
physical buildings that presumably wouldn’t
spontaneously combust if the monarchy was
abolished, but the continuity of the Royal
Family helps keep them relevant.
Two significant tourism attractions that weren’t
made of brick and mortar were Prince William
and Kate Middleton’s Royal Wedding, and
the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee.
The former brought in an estimated 620 million
pounds, while the latter was believed to have
injected 10 billion pounds into the British
economy.
Think of all the tea, crumpets and other hackneyed
British stereotypes that could buy!
The Jubilee was a massive success for British
tourism — the country could have announced
the Year of Free Chocolate and Sexual Favors
and brought in less coin.
More weddings and anniversary celebrations
will come in time, which means more big bucks
are on the horizon.
9.
They’re Cost Effective
Okay, so the Royals brings in their fair share
of cold hard cash.
But what good is that if they cost taxpayers
an arm and a leg?
Well this may surprise you (if you don’t
read the titles of list entries for some reason,)
but the monarchy is cheap enough to actually
turn a profit.
It only costs British taxpayers 51 pence a
person, not counting the annual arm-and-leg
tax, when the Queen gets to cut off the two
finest limbs in the land for use in building
a monster.
The cost fluctuates with the state of the
economy, so in tough times the royal budget
is slashed, presumably with a halberd.
Private funding, ruthless fiscal management,
and profits raised by royal projects also
ensure the monarchy stays in the black.
So unless the Queen is secretly bathing in
unicorn blood, wastefulness is one thing you
don’t have to worry about.
We know the British budget was keeping you
up at night, so you’re welcome.
8.
Entertainment Value
As a nation where the news media spent more
time covering the birth of Kanye West and
Kim Kardashian’s child than it did the Syrian
Civil War, America understands the entertainment
value of celebrities.
Well, the Royal Family are the ultimate celebrities,
with scads of reporters dedicated to letting
the world know about everything from the latest
on Prince George (we say they should’ve
named him Spaghetti; that way every day would
be Prince Spaghetti Day,) to what Harry thought
of his most recent bowel movement.
And that coverage isn’t limited to Britain
— in America, the Royals receive more coverage
than climate change, which is a bit ironic
considering that climate change is one of
Prince Charles’ pet causes.
But the point, aside from the fact that we
may all be very dumb, is that the world loves
to hear about the Royal Family.
We’ll eat up everything from scandals, like
Harry dressing as a Nazi for Halloween, to
Prince Charles doing the weather report.
If you need further proof of their popularity,
pay attention to how the Family is received
by the public while on tour.
William and Kate’s 2011 trip to Canada drew
huge crowds and massive amounts of media coverage,
and was generally considered to be a roaring
success.
Now, whether we should be paying so much attention
to them is up for debate, but Lord knows if
we didn’t have them we’d just dedicate
more coverage to Tila Tequila, or whoever
the hell is popular that minute.
We might as well stick with the Royals and
keep things classy.
7.
Extra Holidays and Parties
Not every discussion of the Monarchy has to
come down to economics and international diplomacy.
Some of its benefits are much simpler — more
royal celebrations mean more holidays, and
that means less time at the office and more
time barbecuing spotted dicks, or whatever
you’re supposed to do with them.
Whether it’s a holiday that’s been celebrated
for centuries, like the Queen or King’s
birthday, or a one-time bash like a Royal
Wedding, nobody’s going to say no to an
excuse to sit on the couch and play video
games all day.
Sure, republics have their fair share of holidays
too, but we’re not getting time off to celebrate
Obama’s silver jubilee (because happiness
will be banned in the Atheist Communist Socialist
Muslim dictatorship he’s planning, according
to credible sources we’ve seen on the Internet).
Monarchies just have more fun.
Some people, probably those who don’t get
invited to parties, will argue that extra
holidays are bad for the economy.
But as discussed earlier, the tourism value
of the Royals more than makes up for that.
Also, get a life and go get drunk next Victoria
Day or something.
Seriously, you guys.
6.
Diplomatic Value
One of the downsides of being a President
or Prime Minister is that half of your country
didn’t vote for you, and therefore hates
you with a fiery passion usually reserved
for rapists and puppy kickers.
If you’re a leader of a world power, this
problem extends to foreign trips; it’s hard
to improve relations with a country you’ve
recently ordered the bombing of.
That’s an issue the monarchy can sidestep.
The Royal Family is apolitical, so they can
represent their country’s culture without
being a stand-in for controversial policies.
It’s not a coincidence that the well-traveled
Royal Family represents a nation that, time
and time again, is found to be one of the
most well-liked in the world.
Sure, being an empire that once dominated
the globe is handy for spreading cultural
influence, too.
But having a bunch of fancy people who can
travel the world to judge crumpet competitions
and give tea to orphans definitely helps.
So no matter how unpopular British foreign
policy may become, the Royals are there to
remind the world that the average Brit just
wants to watch footie and drink a lager, and
also that British people do less stereotypical
things as well.
5.
Charity Work
It’s hard to motivate people to give to
charity.
Sure, the happiness that comes from knowing
you helped improve a stranger’s life is
nice, but wouldn’t a trip to the bar be
even nicer?
You’re never even going to meet those whiny
war orphans.
It’s only worse when you’re trying to
get people to volunteer their time, because
who wants to pick up garbage from the beach
on a Sunday morning when they could be sleeping
off a hangover?
The Royal Family does their best to set a
good example, and for some of them charity
is almost a full-time job.
It’s impossible to determine exactly how
much financial benefit their work provides,
though one study estimates that the Queen
helps bring in 1.4 billion pounds a year,
which sure beats the two bucks you gave to
the latest office United Way drive.
Regardless of that figure’s accuracy, nobody
disputes that the world has benefited from
the Royal Family’s charitable work.
For starters, there are the charities that
members of the Family started, such as Queen
Elizabeth’s Foundation for Disabled People
which, you guessed it, helps abandoned circus
animals find new homes.
Royal charities do everything from providing
mental health services to military veterans,
to teaching dance to juvenile criminals, because
apparently someone in the Royals really wants
life to resemble Step Up.
Then there are royal patronages, where a member
of the Family slaps their stamp of approval
on an organization’s work, usually while
giving money or doing work for them in the
process.
Royal patronage is highly coveted, as it’s
seen as a credible public announcement that
they’re making a difference.
It also brings oodles of attention to issues
that would otherwise fly under the radar;
Princess Diana shed light on AIDS during a
time when talk of the disease was still taboo,
and also highlighted the underappreciated
seriousness of landmines, before finally reminding
the entire world of the importance of seatbelt
safety.
When a royal supports a charity, people take
notice, and we could always use more people
seeing ways to improve the world.
4.
Other Monarchies Are Doing Well
Any modern debate about monarchies inevitably
revolves around the British royal family,
much to the chagrin of King Harald V.
But Norway, Sweden, Belgium, Denmark, Luxembourg,
Spain, the Netherlands and Japan, among others,
all maintain their royal families, and most
are immensely popular.
Really, can anyone not like King Carl XVI
Gustaf?
And those countries are clearly doing something
right, as you’ll constantly find them near
the top of development indices.
The top four counties on the IDHI, one of
the best methods of judging a country like
a prize pig at the county fair, are all constitutional
monarchies, and there are 11 in the top 20.
The US doesn’t check in until 16th, right
behind Belgium, which prompted Albert II to
send President Obama a communiqué reading
“Suck it!”
(note: this probably didn’t happen).
While there’s obviously much, much more
to making a country tick than to shove somebody
onto a throne and hope for the best, we doubt
it’s a complete coincidence, either.
Maybe it’s their slow, steady approach to
modernization and social change, unlike those
uppity republics and repressive dictatorships.
Or maybe people just work really hard when
there’s a chance a King will come by and
give them a medal for it.
That’s for the historians to decide.
3.
They’re Popular
Before you run off to the comments section
to paste in a quote from Wikipedia’s list
of logical fallacies, we’re aware that just
because something is popular it doesn’t
mean it’s any good.
Popular opinion gave us Dane Cook’s career
and the Nazis, among other crimes against
humanity.
Following the mob can end badly.
That being said, popular opinion on the monarchy
subscribes to the “if it ain’t broke,
don’t fix it” philosophy, with polls consistently
showing that the majority of the Queen’s
subjects want the system to stick around.
That’s not limited to people in Britain;
polls in Canada and New Zealand, among other
Commonwealth countries, have found that most
people believe the monarchy remains relevant.
One of the most pro-monarchy countries is
actually the United States, where one survey
found that 71% of people believe that the
monarchy is good for Britain.
In fact, 18% of Americans think that it would
be good for the US of A to have their own
Royal Family, so apparently there’s a staunch
group of Loyalists in America who are still
bitter about the Revolution.
The popularity of the monarchy drifts around
based on economic conditions and the current
gossip, but the general trend is that more
people remain in favor of the Royals than
against it.
And since they’re a pretty harmless bunch,
there’s nothing wrong with giving the people
what they want.
2.
The Queen is a Badass
When most heads of state inspect the troops,
they shake hands and point at stuff.
When Queen Elizabeth II inspects the troops,
she practices icing haters.
Look at that photo.
Look at it!
Everything about it is wonderful, from the
Queen’s steely-eyed gaze to the soldier’s
expression of amusement and pride.
This is a monarch ready to kick ass and take
names.
In an era where even the slightest faux pas
by a politician is torn apart on social networks
and subject to hours of “analysis” by
the news media, our elected officials are
rightly terrified by the prospect of embarrassing
themselves.
The Queen doesn’t have to worry about any
of that crap.
She can go out, do something awesome, look
rad as all hell, and make people proud to
call her their leader.
So whether she’s cruising around like she’s
about to commit a drive-by…
… or starring in a short film with James
Bond …
… we can always count on the Queen to act
like a stone cold boss.
And sometimes that’s just what we need.
1.
National Identity
We could argue about this issue all day, if
we didn’t have better things to do.
But when it comes down to it, the Royals are
an integral part of Great Britain’s national
identity.
Britain without the royals would be like France
without wine, or Russia without horrific human
rights abuses.
No wonder the majority of Brits believe they’re
a key part of what it means to be British.
And really, if the Royal Family went away,
what else would the English be famous for?
Bad food?
A soccer league where only, like, three teams
are any good?
Some third stereotype?
No, the Royals give everyone, from the dapperest
rich man to the toughest football hooligan,
something in common to be proud of (or complain
and gossip about.)
If Britain gets rid of the Royal Family, who
knows what will happen?
America might follow suit and get rid of hot
dogs and soft drinks, and then the whole world
will just go straight to Hell.
