

The Truth of Alissa Lynne
Copyright

T

itle: The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Author: Sister Alissa Lynne

Published by: Alissa Lynne – Verona, PA

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review.

Copyright © 2007 Alissa Lynne - All rights reserved

First Edition, 2007

Published in the United States of America

Disclaimer: The names in this book are fictitious names, changed to protect the innocent. I am not responsible for your actions after reading this book. If you do not wish to be bound to the above statements, return the book to me. God Bless

Contents of book

Why Write This: Page 5

Part One - The "Real" Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 1 - Early Years (Birth/Childhood/Teenage Years) Page 7

Chapter 2 - Young Adult – Adulthood Page 19

Chapter 3 – Marriages Page 30

Chapter 4 - Mother's Influences Page 47

Part Two - The Truth of Alissa Lynne - Thoughts

Chapter 5 - Alissa Lynne's Truths – The Beginning Page 53

Chapter 6 - Alissa Lynne's Truths – Self Esteem Page 61

Chapter 7 - Alissa Lynne's Truths – Faith/Trust Page 68

Chapter 8 - Alissa Lynne's Truths – Building a Relationship w/ God Page 85
Chapter 9 - Alissa Lynne's Truths – Encouragement Page 119
Chapter 10 - Alissa Lynne's Truths – Fellowship/Life Page 127

Chapter 11 - Alissa Lynne's Truths – In Poetry Page 136

Chapter 12 - Alissa Lynne's Truths – The Ending & a New Beginning Page 145

Special Message to Single Women Page 150

Authors Last Words Page 153

Web Page Listings Page 154

Inspiring Women on the Internet Page 157

Alissa Lynne's Acknowledgements

First – I have to thank God for being so good to me. I give all honor where honor is due, I would not be here if it were not for the mercy of the good Lord whom decided to come to earth as Jesus, live a sinless life, die on the cross and rise again with ALL POWER in His hands. God is just so good to all of us we should not ignore His call on our lives. I thank God that my heart opened up to hear His knock and that I have let Him in. I am happy and content in Jesus!

I want to give thanks to the Lord for my family who has been there since the day I was born, my mother, my father, my siblings, and my aunts and uncles. God has blessed me tremendously and I know that in all things He placed each of these people in my life to affect me in one manner or another.

I thank God for my baby boy and my sweetie! I thank God for your patience when I was working on this project. I love you both and know that God is blessing us.

Thanking God for all my friends that I have met and have blessed me with their presences in my life. I want to thank all of you for just being in my life and knowing me in my good and bad moods, for encouraging me to keep speaking up no matter who said what or who said nothing at all. I thank God for all my Yahoo 360 friends who encouraged me to do this. I thank God for all my Yahoo groups who listened to me go on and on about the Lord. I thank God for all of you. I thank God for all those that visit my web page and have left their mark on my heart, whether it was as a number in the total visitors to the site or in the comments that you have sent my way.

I thank God for all those that are reading this book from front to cover – May you find it encouraging to you as it was for me to write it.

I praise the Lord for all of you and pray that each of you keep standing in the Lord and when given the opportunity to speak of the goodness of the Lord that you do so and let the world know that Jesus is wonderful and deserves our praises!!

Why Write This....

This book came about because I was dealing with my issues of my past. As I was growing closer to the Lord, I needed to let things go. I have always been a vocal person, so with my healing came talking to others that turned into writing down my thoughts and ideas. One day I wrote my life story in ten different segments and posted it on my Yahoo 360 page. As I was expressing myself on my Yahoo 360 page, I received such wonderful encouragement about how my story helped others.

As I was starting to heal from my past, the Lord revealed to me to write my life story in more detail. I started writing and here is the finish product. I believe that if we share our stories with each other, it will not only encourage those that hear the story but more importantly, God receives the glory from our lives. After completing the story of my life journey, I thought that it might be interesting to add some of my own thoughts on God, life and how I see it. Some of my writings are from my early days as a Christian and some are recent writings. Some of these things are based just on my thoughts, so you may find that you agree or disagree. So please remember that these are my thoughts!

Though I am not a professional writer, I tried to give insight of my life and what wonderful works God has done for me. My grammar and word usage is not perfect but this is written from my heart, which knows no grammar!

Our lives are a testimony unto the goodness of the Lord, so let us share and encourage each other.

God Bless and I pray you enjoy reading my story.

Y our sister in Christ,

Alissa Lynne

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Part I

The "Real" Truth of Alissa Lynne

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 1

Early Years from Birth to Teenager

My Story – The beginning

All my life I have overcome and survived. My mom's family pressured her to abort me; Thank God she did not succumb to the pressure. My mother and father were married in August, 1967. They were married because of her pregnancy, but were already planning on marrying; they just had to do it sooner than later, at least that was what I was told. I remember my mom telling me that she loved my father very much but they were both pig headed and young. My mom gave up a scholarship to Howard University to be with my father. My grandfather was very upset about the marriage, the pregnancy and giving up college for my father and me. On February 17, 1968 at 6:35 AM, in Pittsburgh, PA - Alissa Lynne was born, weighing 6 lbs and 7 oz, to Linda Jean and Walter Torrence Clay. I was the smallest baby my mom would have. My brother is the only sibling born of this union; he was born 15 months later. Sometime after my brother, there was a miscarriage; I believe it was after my brother, but I am not 100% sure. My parents split up when I was around two years old. My mother said my father was not stable, but how stable can you be at 23 years old? He just turned 22 years old when they were married, she was nineteen. They were still babies. By the time, he turned 23 and she was 20, they had two children and struggling with married life and raising a family. Years later, she admitted that she did not give him much of a chance. My father told me that she accused him all the time of cheating on her but he wasn't, I am not sure if that is true or not for I was not there, but my mother believed that he did. However, he did admit to going out with his best friend a little too much. I knew my mom and how she was; he was not paying her enough attention, so in her mind he did not love her enough. My mom told me that marriage was not what she expected; life had a way of proving her right.

When I was 6 months old, I was hit with the Asian flu and my mom did not expect me to survive because of the fever, prayer is powerful and I made it through that night. She told me how she rubbed me down with rubbing alcohol and prayed over me and a few hours later my fever broke. She said that she knew that God healed me as my fever was too high, I could have died. My brother was born May 17, 1969; he weighed over ten pounds, and was the biggest baby that month at the hospital. There was not much spoken about my first years of life by my mom other than what I have mentioned.

My first clear remembrance of my life is being touched by a man. I still to this day get an unsettling feeling when I think about it. When I was six years old; the years of molestation started in my life...my step father was my monster. I was told to call my step father Dad, and my own dad was a forgotten memory. I want to say that from day one, we were told to call him Dad. I do not even remember calling him anything other than that. My step dad was Dad and my father, to this day, is called Clay. My mom forbid him to see us due to the hurt she was feeling, in later years she claimed he was in and out of our lives too much, never keeping constant, but she was very bitter due to the failure of their marriage.

I resented my own dad for a long time, wanting him to come save me. My step dad and mom got together when I was about three or four years old. I am told that he came in like a Knight in Shining Armor. My mom was on welfare with two kids. She lived in what was nicknamed, "The little dirty house". It was a one-bedroom place that she could afford on welfare. My mom was 23 years old and he was 10 years her senior. I believe he came in sweeping this naïve young woman off her feet. My mom admitted that he came in flashing and spending money. She was poor with two children to feed. He came buying groceries and yielding gifts. He was always telling her she was beautiful, in the beginning, something she so desperately wanted to hear. She was a very attractive woman, though she never seen it, she did not believe she was beautiful.

He took us places; places that she could not afford to take us. There were simple things like going to Dairy Queen and taking trips to New Jersey and other places for fun in the sun. He would take us to West Virginia just to visit. I remember meeting his dad and his dad's girlfriend at the time. Their house smelled like "old people". I could not stand going there. We went to amusement parks, he took her "out on the town" and he was so charming, like a snake. He was still married to his first wife, when they met, which we learned later, his first wife had fled Pittsburgh to Alabama to get away from him. I have a few memories of my young childhood; there are some that are still fuzzy. Dad appeared on the scene in a convertible, not sure of the color but I remember sitting in the back of the car staring at the sky amazed that I could see the sky. My brother remembers that it did not go in reverse. He (Dad) came across as a man who was on top of the world.

The first house I remember living in was located in Carnegie on a family friendly street. The house was huge and there was wood throughout the house. I remember the house having wood floors and wearing my socks, sliding everywhere. We were not allowed to do that, but I did. I would sit on the big wood steps in the foyer watching my mom and dad hold parties with other family members. As long as I sat there quietly, no one ever noticed that I was there. I learned quickly that if I just sat there, I could stay up late, but the minute I asked a question, I was sent to bed. I am told that I would sneak sips from the guests' drinks and there were times I was found passed out from the alcohol or actually drinking the drinks. There was always someone at our house visiting us. It is during this time I remember a lot of visitors in our home for as the years went on there was less and less visitors, as if they sense something was wrong in our home. I believe those were the happiest times in my mom and dad's relationship. They did not just have their friends but family members including my grandparents, both my mom's maternal mother and father – each married to someone else, at the parties/functions. It was party central. I would come downstairs in the mornings after one of their parties and people were sleeping every where. This beautiful house had three floors, huge ceilings, and a lot of space. The house stays in my memory; in my mind that house holds positive and secure feelings. I always wanted to move back there. When I was old enough to drive past it on my own, I did and always wondered what the house looked like inside. I never went to the door to ask the owners to see inside. I wanted to remember the house as I did as a child. I was afraid that the house would not look the same if I did go inside. This was the happiest time in my childhood. The time in this house was wonderful, as I still trusted my parents and I loved my family so much. We were all so happy. I would go outside and play with the neighborhood kids. Some kids were not allowed to play with us because we were black, but others were allowed. This is in 1972 to 1974 and racism was still alive and active. The KKK was still very active in the Pittsburgh area during that time. Most times it was quiet with the racial issues but I was a witness to a few cross burnings.

I attended kindergarten in this area; my mom was a very attentive mother during my early childhood. I did not like to sleep in my room, but my mom did not allow us to sleep in her bed, even when we were sick. She would come to our room and sit with us. She did not fall asleep in our beds, for there was no room for her in our beds. My brother and I had our own rooms, but we would sleep in the same room together. I believe I was the one scared to sleep alone. When I was little, my brother was my best buddy. If anyone gave me anything, I would ask for the same thing for him. My brother was my best friend in so many ways. He was always there for me as quiet as he was and he was a quiet kid most times.

In the beginning, we were the ideal happy integrated family. I have a memory that I questioned until I understood my mother's relationship with my father, Clay. We knew that we had a father other than "Dad" and I remember sitting in the car when she went to run into a store, you could do that back then and not be afraid that someone would take your child. Each man that walked past the car who was black I would wonder if that was my dad, is he the man that left us? I had this fantasy in my mind that he wanted to talk to me but my mom would not let him, so he would walk past the car just to see us. I would wave at each black man that would walk past just in case he was my dad. We were not allowed to talk about my father, Clay to my mom or dad. My brother and I would talk to each other about him but not to anyone else. I can remember someone asking my mom about him and if he saw us, she hushed them up saying "not in front of the kids." I never told my mom that story; for I knew it would have caused her unnecessary pain. I was told that my parents partied themselves right out of the house in Carnegie. We had a dog at the time, his name was Devil. When we moved from there we had to get rid of the dog. I believe I was five years old when we lived there. Our next house was in the Beltzhover section of Pittsburgh, which was inner city area, prior to that we lived in the suburbs. I remember this house for several reasons, I had to give up my dog to live there, plus my sisters were born there. I have two memories of my mom being pregnant; I tried to sit on her lap and could not due to the size of her belly and I remember her lying in her bed with such a huge belly. I remember the day my sisters were born. We were at my grandparent's house and my dad came to tell us that the babies were born and they were girls. My dad teased my brother so much that he cried and cried. My brother wanted to have a brother and not be the only boy. My grandmother was angry at my dad because he had upset my brother so much on purpose.

As I look back, I wonder if he ever cared for my brother, I know he did not care for me. I sat next to my brother on the steps and tried to comfort him, at the age of six I was reaching out to people in pain. My mom made it clear to any one who would listen that they were the last children to come from her. My mom went into the hospital after my sisters were born to have her tubes tied. She did not want any more children. My brother tried to drown my sisters in the tub and we were not allowed alone with them ever again, at least not before they could call my mom for help. We did not like my sisters when they were babies for they received too much attention as far as we were concerned. Before my sisters were born, we used to go places all the time, for a time after my sisters were born, we did not go many places, which placed some resistance into accepting them as siblings. The relationships in my life changed drastically when I was six years old.

This house is where my first memory of pain that haunted my dream. I can still recall the first time he touched me; I can remember it as if it was yesterday. I was on my way outside to play and we would go out through the basement. He stopped me and said my bike needed fixed before I took it outside. He was rubbing my private area in the basement and I just stood there as he masturbated. I was so scared to go outside that I ran to my room and I remember that I stayed there all day avoiding everyone. I never rode my bike again until I was about thirteen years old. I would fake it as if I forgot how to ride it. When I think of it and the whole aspect of it, my whole childhood was changed in that moment. Since he started molesting me at such a young age at first I thought it was normal. It started with just touching me, foundling me while he masturbated. I told my friend, Sonya, and guess what happened? The next thing I know the neighborhood boys started coming around to see me. So when little boys and some older ones wanted to "play house", I just laid there and let them feel me up and rub on me. I thought this was how things were for little girls, there was no penetration. The first time with a boy, I was in the extra bedroom and my friend's brother told me he wanted to "play house" He was eleven and I was seven. He played the game too, telling me that he was the daddy and just came home from work, I pretended to cook dinner. Of course then it was time to go to bed and be "husband and wife". He took my hand and had me lay down on the floor and rubbed up against me until I felt stuff on my leg. So at the age of six, I was the neighborhood hoochie mama. I did anything for attention as I felt my relationship with my mother beginning to change. I can remember boys coming to hang out with my friend Sonya and me. I wonder to this day, if Sonya was setting me up with all the neighborhood boys. I will never truly know but she was always coming to the house with neighborhood boys and leaving not too long after arriving claiming she had to go home. Funny how when I was pretending to cook dinner and take care of the babies, it was "mommy and daddy" and when it was related to sex, it was "husband and wife", I have always separated the two situations, even now.

When the twins were born, I felt even more invisible. I started at the age of six to seek any attention at all from anyone I could. I would curl up to any adult who would let me and I would non-stop talk to them. I stayed away from other kids my age; I was really shy around them. My sisters (the twins) were the center of attention, I felt so lost at the age of six. I believe if a therapist would have been introduced to me then, that my life may have been different. There was a stigmatism with therapy and my mom who saw me withdrawing did not place me into therapy at that time for she was not ready to face the problems at hand. Her relationship with my dad was not what it seemed in the beginning and she was trying to deal with that. I do not know if he was hitting her at that point, but I do know that there were arguments that scared me so much as a child. I remember going to bed scared and afraid at night. I believe the arguments started because she was not a good housekeeper or cook. As I got older, I was in charge of cleaning and eventually cooking. I grew up believing that if I told anyone what he was doing to me that my sisters, brother, and my mom would die in a fire and I would be alone with him. So of course, I never told, but all things done in the dark will come to light and it did. I do believe that my mom knew something was going on because things had changed in her sex life with him. (This was revealed to me by another family member who was confided in during that time of her life.) I believe her own issues caused her silence in what was going on. My mom said we had to move out of the city because of the schools, but I believe it was because of what was going on with me and the little boys. I do not know what happened in school, but I know something must have gone on because my mom sat me down and told me about not allowing boys to touch me in my private parts and to keep my dress down at school. Well the next time I told a little boy that he was not to touch me there it did not work for he touched me anyhow.

We moved to Bridgeville, Pa. As I look back as an adult, I loved the location of that house. We had deer everywhere, all kinds of wild animals: raccoon, rabbits, snakes, and groundhogs to name a few, the area was peaceful even though my life here was not. I think because I tend to be reclusive in my life, the location of the house appeals to me. It was located at the end of a dead-end street; the driveway was about 200 feet long with our closest neighbor about a football field away. It was very private. I would love to live there now, to build a house on the land. I used to walk to elementary school and I was so scared to walk through the woods, if my brother was not with me, I did not walk through the woods. For the five minute walk via the woods was a straight shot to my house and the fifteen minute walk was down and up a couple of hills.

I was so afraid someone would come and snatch me away from my family. I would take a five minute walk and make it 15 minutes if no one was with me to walk through the woods. If there were other kids walking through the woods, I would walk behind them. I would not talk to them but follow them through so I would get home sooner. I spent a lot of time alone in my younger years. I did not play with my siblings, I bossed them, I started taking control in areas I could at the age of six. I did not want anyone to get too close to me for I was so afraid. My siblings did not really want to play with me because I was so bossy.

When I was eight years old my house caught on fire. I should have never woke up The fire was right under my bed. The fire was an electrical fire and quickly spread through that side of the house. The kitchen, sitting area, and both my brother's room and my room was destroyed. I will never forget this and that was at least 29 years ago...I still remember this as if it was yesterday. I know that this is the first time that God touched me!! I was sleeping and anyone who knows me knows that I sleep hard as a rock, a hurricane can come and I will sleep through it. Someone touched me and woke me up, literally, touched me and said to me "Wake Up". I woke up looking around for my mother and seeing nothing but smoke in my room. I remember going to my mother's room and waking her up and telling her that there was smoke in my room. My parents slept naked, so it took them a minute to get dressed and come in my room. She instructed me to get my sisters and brother dressed and out of the house. I could not go back in my room to change into my clothes and had to leave my night clothes on. My room was filled with smoke and I remember clouds of gray smoke, I am not sure why I remember that, but I do. My mom wanted me to get my brother up, but I was not being able to wake him up. My mom told me to get the twins dressed. My mom and dad were yelling at each other. My mom kept telling him to come away from the fire.

The next thing I remember is being in the garage in the car. You have to understand that our garage sat on top of a "hill" and our house was in the "valley". We were taught to go to a safe place, pre-picked by my mom for emergency situations such as this. This was back when Dick Van Dyke was on television doing fire safety commercials. The commercials were about "Stop – Drop – Roll" in case you were on fire and about families setting up emergency meeting locations. I do not remember being at the safe meeting place, but I am told I took all of us there. I watched my bedroom blow up. This was very traumatic for me, and I had nightmares for a long time after the fire. Our next door neighbor came running down to make sure we were alright and rushed back to his house for he had to go to the fire station, he drove the fire truck.

The out pour of the community was awesome. I went to school a day or two later and was sent to the nurses office to drop off some papers, which was a privilege when you were a kid in school back then. Well as kids always do, my class mate told the secret of why I was sent to the nurse's office. My teacher talked to my class about the fire and told them to be nice to me. Let me explain a little more, I wore second hand clothes to school, I was not by any means a popular girl, I was one of two black girls in a class of about 15 kids, and my best friend and only friend was the other black girl in class. She was popular though and she befriended me. I will never forget her. She would stop the other kids from picking on me. She would include me in the games even though I was not good at sports. If she were captain for the games, she would pick me first even though I was bad at the game. I was one of the worse players of all sports in school. I kept pretty much to myself during my grade school years. I was so afraid people would find out. I never told another friend in my non-adult life. After what happened when I did tell my friend, Sonya, I decided to never tell anyone for it seemed to only get worse when I did.

The fire was in November, or it could have been December. I know it was near Christmas. We had to move into my grandfather's house until the house was repaired. My grandparents lived in a two bedroom house. My parents slept in the living room on the couch and us kids, all four of us, slept in the second bedroom. My parents did not have home owner's insurance so the repairs had to be paid by them. We had the best Christmas that year, my mom told me once that they spent over $2,000 and mind you that was in 1976, due to overwhelming out pouring of the community. She had mentioned they received about $10,000 in monetary donations and tons of clothes for everyone in the family. There were toys lined up every where. The toys were piled up high. I was used to getting fewer toys than the other kids because it was explained to me at an early age that we did not have a lot of money and since I was the big girl of the family, I had to understand that the younger ones did not understand. I want to remind you that my brother was only 15 months younger than me. This particular Christmas was different, I was given tons of toys but what I remember most is the Barbie toys and the Mary Jane paper dolls. There were tons of games and there was barely any room to sit in the living room with all the toys around. It was the best Christmas for me in my entire childhood.

It was at my grandfather's house my mother found out about my step father molesting me. At this point he had migrated to having me touch his penis and rubbing it. I did not know what I was doing so he would take my hand in his and masturbate with my hand. He usually had me upstairs in the back room off the living room, but my grandparents were home, so he took me to the basement. He had become bold in when and where he would obtain his pleasures from me. My mother walked in on him hurrying up after ejaculation and hearing her coming in the door. She sent me upstairs and I heard them arguing. She called me downstairs and she asked me if this was the first time. The look he gave me was a warning not to tell the truth, my mom told me to tell her the truth that this had to be the first time. It was like she was begging me to say it was the first time, so I did. She sent me back upstairs after that. I was crying that much I do know. I know that I stayed home a few days from school. Now what my mother never knew is, I knew she was forced to make him leave. It took my mom a week after her discovery of what was going on to tell anyone. When she found out what was going on that day, she did not make him leave. He told her that it was the first and only time. She was afraid to make him leave. She was not working at the time and he supported the house plus at that time he already starting to be abusive to her not just physically, but emotionally and mentally. The first person that she told was a family member who is by profession a social worker. They told my mom that if she did not make him leave, they would be forced to report it and she would be in jeopardy of losing me. I am not sure what transpired from there but she had him leave. She had a therapist talk to me a few times. We had family therapy but that did not last long as my step father refused to go to the therapy sessions. I know she told my grandparents. I was sat down in my grand parents living room and told that he would never touch me again, that he was staying at our house and fixing it up from the fire. My grand parents, my mother, along with him was there. I was sitting between my grand parents as the conversation was going on and they had him tell me that he was sorry and that he loved me and would never hurt me again. I did not believe any of it.

After some time apart, he started threatening my mom, and told her that if she wanted to be with him, she had to trust him and move back in with him in the house. We moved back into our home with him as he finished fixing it up for us to live in. He was still not permitted to be in the same house as me, and I remember my mom telling me to tell the social worker that he did not live with us because if I did they would take me away from her. The social worker did not believe her and informed my mom that she could do surprised visits. I do not believe she ever did though. My mom told me years later that my grandfather would not let her stay with him. But, what he told her was she could stay with my grandparents as long as she wanted, but she had to stop dealing with him. My grandmother even offered to let me live with them but my mom would not allow it to be. I did as I was told; I did that and suffered the abuse until I was 17 years old. I would hide from him and tried to get my sisters or brother to be around me as much as I could to avoid being alone with him, none of this worked out in my favor.

Before my mom started working, he had to hide not just from her, but from my sisters and brother. Most times it was done in the garage, but if my mom was not home, he would send my siblings to their room to play or outside to play. I had to tell them that I did not want to go outside and they would go with out me, this is another reason why I did not play with them, for he would call me away from them while we were playing and they would question me when I returned, asking about what I was doing. I was to go downstairs to the second living room so he could hear my mom coming into the house. If I would protest, he would tell me how I could not do something I wanted to do or I could not have something that I wanted to have, so if I wanted a new Barbie, I did not get it unless I did what he asked or he threaten the safety of my family. By the time I was about nine or ten years old, I was performing masturbation on him, he was "feeling me up" and had migrated to "fingering" me. I would feel so degraded and so nasty behind that. I was so scared to tell anyone because I was told he would burn down the house with my family in it, minus him and me and I was scared to death of that. The good thing is there were no little boys in the neighborhood to "play" with. The boys in my neighborhood were not into me because I was a black girl and they were all white, I was safe, at least from that nightmare.

My mom started working when my sisters started school. This caused more issues in my parents' relationship. He was open with her about his past abuse on me. He had told her that he preferred me over her. He would refuse to have sex with her and tell her that he was punishing her. When we were staying at my grand parents' house, he would tell her those things and then sleep on the floor, when we moved home, he would sleep on the living room couch. It got much worse after August 30, 1980, the day they were married. I found out much later that they were not even legally married then, because his divorce was not final. He did not tell her that he was still married to his first wife until all the plans were completed for the wedding. They were legally married later on, but I am not sure of the date. They had a wedding ceremony on the 30th of August and a huge wedding reception. I was twelve, my brother was eleven and my sisters were about to turn six. He wanted more control over her, so he married her for the control. He did not want her working and the fights increased not only in frequency but in intensity.

At times he would tell her fine, since she was working; she could pay the bills on her own. He was not only abusing me but he was verbally, mentally, and physically abusing my mother. By the time I was thirteen, he had migrated to having me perform masturbation on him and trying to get me to perform oral sex on him. He would offer gifts and I would refuse to take them. My mom and his fights would be much more often and violent. He was very much into controlling her. He was angry that she was working. The bad thing for me was she was at one time working the afternoon shift from 2:30 PM to 11:00 PM. He would rotate his shifts, so the best days were when they both were working that shift. In middle school and high school, I had a small circle of friends; there were a total of six of us. So when my parents were not home, I was a typical teenager talking to my few friends on the phone. I had what was considered the quiet girls in school. We all had issues going on at home that none of us really talked about in great detail. As far as I was concerned, I was considered the "normal" one. I never told any of them what was going on with me then.

I had my first boyfriend at the age of thirteen. My brother became friends with some other black kids that lived a little ways from us...not sure how they met. Well I went to the shopping center with him to meet them. I met him that day and we dated on and off for 3 years. I thought the world ended and began with Eric. He was kind to me and he was sweet. I thought he was going to be the one I was going to marry....come on first loves are like that. Funny thing, everyone else thought that too, until he started to realize that other girls thought he was cute too. High school has a way of doing that to you. We did not go to the same high school; he went to different high school due to his learning capabilities. He was not unintelligent by any means; he was a slow learner and needed special attention. All we ever did was kiss and make out, he tried to take it further on several occasion but I always refused. I figured if I gave it to him, things would get worse with my dad. When I started dating, my dad tried to increase what he wanted to do to me, telling me it was to prepare me with what happens with the boys. He would have me lay down on the bed and he would rub me down and make me get naked and rub up against me until he ejaculated. So when my boyfriend would rub up against me, I would just freeze. There was no way I was giving in to Eric for I did not want things to get worse in my life at home. I just knew if I did, my dad would know and I believed that because that is what he told me. I had my mom also telling me that if I had sex with a boy she would know. They were both wrong about that, as they did not know when I lost my virginity. The relationship between my parents got worse. The worse it got for my mother, the worse it got for me. She was a big woman when I was growing up. I bet at her heaviest she was 300 pounds. She started to lose weight with the Cambridge Diet fad. She went from a size 28 to a size 6 in a couple of months. My dad went nuts; the relationship was not on good terms by any means before she started losing the weight but after she started, the fights between them were so often. I am amazed she survived, only through the grace of God. Looking back, I know why she stayed as her self-esteem was beyond low. I wish she had left. I can remember destructive fights between them. She was starting to get attention from other men, and since she was lacking that at home, she lavished in the attention and my dad had a major temper, bad combination. I remember plenty of times he would beat her after they got home from a party, calling her all kinds of sluts and whores, but I would hear them making love afterwards. I thought that was normal and how it was supposed to be between men and women. I will never forget the day I woke up to see my mom had her jaw wired shut because my dad beat her so bad while they were out at some bar for some celebration. I was about 14 or 15 years old then. He beat her senseless in front of her own family. My great uncle had to stop him. He beat her down the street in public. Both my grandmothers were at the house and a bunch of women visitors the next day. My dad was still there, saying how sorry he was over and over again to her and telling her how much he loved her.

Apparently, some guy was flirting with her, she was flirting back, and my dad went ballistic on her. After that, he was not home much as he had a girlfriend already and my mom knew it. I think that is why she would accept the attention from the other men. My dad had girlfriends for years, but then he got one who was taking a lot of his time. We were happy when he was not home, my mother was more relaxed and I had less to fear. My sisters were not as happy about the situation though, they were daddy's little princesses. When he was not around, they were treated as the rest of us and when he was around no one could do or say anything to them. They were spoiled rotten and they knew it and took advantage of it when they could. When he did come around, it was awful. He wanted to have sex with me and I was fighting and begging him not to do that to me. He would turn me over and rub his penis on my butt until he ejaculated. I would cry in the shower and wonder what I did to deserve this in my life. My mom had started to yell at me for dumb stuff. I wanted her to love me. I thought she was unhappy with me, not knowing that she was unhappy in her life with her choices. She knew what was going on and the day I realized that was a hard pill for me to swallow. She would get me to ask him for stuff we wanted. For example, if she did not want to cook, she would tell me to ask him to buy pizza. I would do as she asked and pay for it later. He would make sure that I knew it too. I wanted her to like me, I wanted her love and I wanted her to be proud of me. I would do anything that she asked me to do but it just never seemed good enough. She would say, "Get your sister to ask, he does what she wants, she is closes to him, his favorite." It was so hurtful to me to hear that from her. She would walk past me and make comments, telling me if she caught me with him, she would hurt me. She would remind me that he was her husband not mine.

Our relationship started to change when I was about thirteen years old. I was stealing cigarettes from her and wanting to be with my boyfriend. I was still a "good girl" at that point. I was about to break out into a whole new me. When I was sixteen years old, I decided I was tired of being a virgin. I had my best friend at the time hook me up with some guy, who I do not remember to this day what his name was. I told her I wanted to just get it over with. So I had sex with him, lost my virginity to a complete stranger. I thought to myself, this is it. No fun to me, what is the big deal, he was appreciative for I was a virgin, he had no remorse as he knew I was doing it to get it over with. The front seat of a car, two kisses and ten minutes later, the deal was done. I looked at it as a deal and I never talked to him again but did not care either. I was starting to gain some confidence in myself, not because of that but I believe it comes from age. I wanted the nightmare to end, so I knew I had to tell someone. I went to a close relative's job and told her. I kept beating around the bush and she decided to help me and she told me that she knew that he had molested me when I was six, I informed her that it had not stop to that date still. She was upset, but what I did not know until years later, she had over the years asked my mother over and over again if the abuse had stopped and my mom reassured her that it did. She was hurt for me and angry at my mother. It was easier for me to get to her while she was at work and not have to take the chance of telling her on the phone and someone over hearing me. Oh the wonders...she just gave me the lift that I needed.

I was getting so scared of my step father, but he was not around as much anymore. We would see him once a month or so, but when he was there, it was really bad. My mom would call the house before coming home to see if he was there or not. She was even getting tired of his beatings. I will never forget the day that he tried to beat her in the driveway of the house. My brother was about 15 at the time and he was a big guy even then. He was coming out of the house to go after my dad, but my dad made my mom tell my brother to go back in the house or he would snap her neck. I do not think my brother ever got over that still to this day.

I will never forget the day that God gave me strength to stand up for myself, I was sixteen at the time and it was the summertime, I will never forget. My step father was good at not allowing me to go places with my friends or do anything at all with anyone if I did not do what he said. I had no option and it hurt me so much, but I did what he wanted and half the time never did what I wanted to do because I was so ashamed. I wanted to go to the mall with my girlfriends and he wanted me to "do things" and I said NO!!! I started yelling at him, he threatened me with burning up the house and killing everyone, I told him to make sure that I was in the house when he did it because I did not want to live anymore and I told him that if he made me do that again...I would tell my mom and I would call the police. I told him that I was going to the mall and meeting my friend and he could kiss where the sun did not shine. I left the house in a huge angry ball of fire, to only go to the top of the hill run into the woods and cry my eyes out. I collected myself and for the first time in my life I felt like I had won, I had peace in my heart and soul for the first time since I was six years old. So after that wonderful triumphed move, my life came to another all time of difficult situation!!!! Here come the wild years along with the first bout with cancer!!!!!

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 2

Young Adult to Adulthood

Young Adult to Adulthood

As I moved out of childhood and into a teenager, I still believed in the fairy princess ending. I loved the stories with the "Happy Ending" and believed it would come for me. I wanted to believe everyone and wanted to believe that I was going to be loved. I had experienced the worse thing to me ever and that was rejection from my first boyfriend. I wanted to be loved so much and wanted him to care for me. When he rejected me for another girl, I thought that my whole world was ending until the next guy said hello. I just wanted love and more love. Low self esteem, misguided trust, little adult supervision and teenage hormones are a very bad combination for a young woman.

Wow, Freedom! My dad realized I was not playing and refused to be bullied anymore, why it took me until then I do not know but I put it behind me or so I thought. On the occasions that he was around, he would still try to manipulate me into doing him a "favor". Those days were over, I was no longer a little girl, and I was every parent's nightmare...a teenager. He was not around at all anymore; he would come to the house about once every month. My sisters were lost, but my mom and I had new found freedoms. My mom would go out and the house was my domain. My mom did not pay attention to me much those days as she was enjoying her new found freedom.

When I was sixteen until about 25 years old, I was built with a small waist and big bootie but no boobs until about 23 years old. I had a flat chest and it was one of the jokes about me, I would go around wearing band aids as a bra. I was no longer a virgin and found a few new places to hang out. Downtown Pittsburgh during the days and the under 21 spots at night, both downtown Pittsburgh and Bridgeville had under 21 nights on Sundays. It depended on whether or not I could get a ride as to where I went. I had to get a ride at least to pick me up to go downtown because I could walk to the under 21 club in Bridgeville. There were many male friends but from the age of sixteen to almost eighteen, only four of them stick out to me the most. There was Gary, Jim, Jerry, and Josh. I met the last three at an under 21 club and I was wearing the same hoochie mama dress when I met them. It was a really cute dress, black with white polka dots, it was short, hit right above the knee, and showed cleavage, even though I did not have cleavage then. Whenever I wore that dress, I would get a lot of attention. I can remember meeting all four of them. I met Gary first, then Jim, then Jerry, and then Josh.

Gary was introduced to me by my uncle the summer of my 16th birthday. Let me give you a little background, my uncle is two years older than me. When I was younger I would spend some time at my grandmother house in the summers for about a week, she lived in Ohio. My uncle was her youngest child, my mother's one and only brother. When I became a teenager, I would go for two weeks and it would be two weeks with no sisters or brother, it was peaceful. By the time my uncle was 13 years old, he would leave me at the house when he went with his friends, that was okay then for I was eleven and considered him and his friends weird. When I was 13 years old, I wanted to hang out with him and his friends but he did not want me to be around, so he was still leaving me at the house. One summer I refused to stay behind any more and whined my way to going with him to the drive in. He had a date that night but my grand mother told him that he had to take me. She gave him money for me to go and for his entire date. So my uncle picked out his "safest" friend to introduce me to and Gary was goofy looking, tall, dark, skinny, with bug out eyes, but he was a talented writer. He was 18 and he just broke up with his girlfriend that he had all through high school...I still remember her name too...Debbie. We had a ball that summer. I stayed for three weeks. It was just the four of us: my uncle, Gary, my uncle's girlfriend, and I. We did everything under the sun, we would stay out late and sleep late – it was one of the best summers of my young life. Gary and I made out, but never took it too far; my uncle threatened him beyond belief so he remained respectable with me. Purple Rain was the summer movie and I was already a huge Prince fan, so I was having a ball. Needless to say, Gary lived in Ohio and I lived in Pennsylvania, so when I went home, the first phone bill was $700.00. My mother hit the roof!! She allowed him to visit for a weekend. I found out later, she figured it was okay for he was not going to be around long. My dad was not happy about it and actually tried to get me to do him favors for allowing Gary to come. I threatened him by telling him that I would tell my mom and the police, since their relationship was failing, I won that battle. Gary and I dated all summer long, we wrote to each other constantly and when he could call me, he would. My mom would allow me to call him, but she monitored the length of the conversation. One day I received a letter from Gary informing me that he was dating his high school girlfriend again and that she was pregnant. He told me that I was a "good girl" and he needed a woman, someone to give him sex as he was a man, so my second lesson was if I wanted the guy to stay with me, I had to give him sex. The first lesson was given to me by Eric, be prepared for another girl to catch the eye of your boyfriend and never trust him to be faithful to just you. Now, at this point I had started seeing Jim, so when I went to my grandmother's house for Thanksgiving, Gary stopped by to see my uncle who was home on leave from the service. He wanted to talk to me and explain the situation and wanted to still see me, I told him to get over me and hit the road.

In those days, I was quick to "fire" a guy. Most guys in my life never lasted more than a month. After Eric, I was quick to fire boyfriends for the trust factor was not there with them. I trust no one for a long time, for as you will see, I trust the wrong people in my life. Gary was the first after Eric to last more than a month, he lasted four months with the last month me dating someone else. Until my late 20s, I was never without some one in my life, whether serious or just someone to "kick" it with. Most of the guys in my life during my teenage years only lasted about a week or so, if they were not making sense or I felt like they were lying to me at any time, I would kick them to the curb. I was used to it. There is a guy who lasted one month that needs to be mentioned. I was venturing downtown a lot and hanging out with Eric's little sister. She had met a guy name V and he had a brother named V2...she wanted me to meet him. So I said cool...we would talk on the phone but had not met yet. I did not actually ever meet him, because I found out that he knew who I was and was using me to get to my dad. See my dad had another daughter who is only two years younger than my sisters. Well when V2 found out that Eric's sister was my friend, he wanted to get the hook up for my dad had stopped paying child support for his sister, so they needed my dad's contact information. I was forbidden to see V2, but V2 did not want to see me anyhow. It was all just a game.

I met Jim whom I called Jimmy, at the under 21 club in Bridgeville. He was a great dancer and so much fun. It was the summer of 1985, He had graduating in 1985. It was the first time I wore "the dress". I was working at the local restaurant called, Pappans and it was right next to the Under 21 club, and it was called VIP. I changed my clothes in the bathroom of the restaurant for my mom brought my clothes and took my work clothes home for me. I had made a big tip that day and I gave her $20.00 to drop that stuff off for me. He said something about me looking nice and we danced the night away. I remember that night so well, because I told him that my mother was picking me up. He actually asked to kiss me and for my phone number. He was so sexy, tall dark and handsome. He was always making me laugh. He had a car and a license. I was 17 years old and thought I was grown. We would talk all the time on the phone, my mom was working a lot of overtime, or so she said. I never really believed that, for when she was working I would get in trouble for tying up the phone lines for so long. I had learned if she did not call by 1 hour after starting her shift, she would not call. I know that she had male friends. Well, Jim was considered a danger to me, when my mom met him, she started to really get on me about having sex, well by the time she started that speech it was too late. Jim was telling me that he loved me and that we were going to get married and all kinds of stuff. I wanted to hear that he wanted to marry me, all I wanted at this point was to be loved, to be treated special and for someone to want to spend the rest of their life with me. I was seeking security and love in all the wrong places and in the wrong manner. Like many women, I confused sex for love and when he wanted sex from me he got it, it did not matter where we were. He got it in his car, he got it behind the club hall near my house, he got it in the woods, and wherever he wanted it, he got it. We walked to the elementary school one day and he got it on the dumpster, I was such a willing participant as long as he was telling me how beautiful, sexy, and how much he loved me. I did not tell him; I thought to myself, if we kept doing it, I would get pregnant. I wanted to get pregnant so badly. We were "dating" for a while. I wanted him to take me to my Homecoming dance, but he did not have a job and was getting ready to go into the army. I remember spending Homecoming night at my house hanging out together, my mom was home and she kept sending my sisters in to check on us. We had already had sex that day several times, so she was a little late. I learned from him that you could have sex in the house and your parents not even know it, if you would fake it...by talking while you are "doing it". I learned also that when you have sex and did not want any one to know, you better wash up and spray the room with air freshener a few hours before your parents come home.

I was still going to the under 21 clubs and meeting guys, but no one was given any of my serious attention until I met Josh in the beginning of November, 1985. By this time, Jim was fading out of my life because he was telling me that he was leaving to go to the army, but what I did not know was that I was not the only girl and one of his other girlfriends really did get pregnant. I did not find this out until he came home for leave after leaving to go to the army. It was not a bad break up or anything like that, he just left and by that time reality had kicked in and I knew that we were not going to get married. He actually ended up marrying the pregnant girl, but after his first trip home, I loss touch with him. I did not enjoy the sex with him; it was just as though it was a requirement of me because I was his girlfriend. With him, it was just the fun we had. He was a lot of fun to be with and hang out with. He was always full of compliments and attention for me; I was treated like a princess. I believe that is what he called me. I loved the attention from a man.

Each guy taught me or offered me something I hold onto even to this day. Gary taught me writing and expression through words, Jim taught me laughter and to have fun, Josh taught me comfort and Jerry taught me compatibility.

The interesting thing with Jerry and Josh was that I met them both at the same place within two weeks of each other. Jerry was working at the time at Burger King at the Greyhound bus station and had to work that night that I met Josh at the club. I was dancing with Josh and let him know that I had a boyfriend but we could be friends. Jerry and I truly started out as friends. We would talk on the phone all the time. As time goes on, Josh and I broke up because that is what I did. I never let any guy get too close to knowing me because of the surgery and because of my horrid past. I did not trust any one. My "dad" was still approaching me during my dating of Jerry but it was less often for he spent most times away from us. I was happy for a minute with all the guys but then eventually it was over. It was fun while it was challenge but when the normal part of a relationship would be required; the ending of the relationship was required. Well since Josh and I started out as friends, it was okay for us to continue to talk.

I did not enjoy sex at all back then; I did not even enjoy kissing. I did it because it was what was expected of me or I thought it was after a guy confessed undying love for me. I had at this point of my life from the age of 13 to the age of 17, 3 boyfriends and about 15 encounters with guys who meant nothing much to me. I liked sex for what it made me feel like in the beginning, the words of declaration and love was what I wanted to hear. I was kicking sex to anyone that would talk to me as I wanted love.

When I was 17 years old, on January 21st, 1986 – I found out that I had cancer. I had been having problems with going to the bathroom; there was blood in my stool. I did not think much of it being a teenager and not thinking twice about it. My family has been known for stomach problems and I was scared to death, I actually thought that the problem was because I was molested all those years and thought it was my punishment. One day while I was in the bathroom, nothing but blood came out and I could not stand up. I called my mom to the bathroom and she rushed me to the doctor's office. Back in those days you could call your doctor's office with an emergency and are seen the same day...remember those days. Anyhow, the doctor was very laid back and told my mom that it was probably just hemorrhoids and set up an appointment for me to go to the hospital the next day to get an lower GI done...okay remember when that used to happen and you did not have to wait weeks for appointments or for testing at the hospitals. My mom tells the doctor that my father just had surgery a couple years before for cancer of the colon and the doctor told her that I was too young and not to worry about it. So, off we go to the hospital to have a lower GI done...let me tell you, if you have never had one done, I pray that you never have to have one done. I hated it. Well then the results come back and the doctor's order more test, I had an upper GI and a few other test that including scoping my systems and others that I do not remember. Mind you during all of this, I am considered a minor so my mom is handling all of this, not saying much to me about it. Well then, finally, it is time to meet with the doctor. So we go to the appointment, this was on January 31, 1986 – I am told that I have familiar polypsis and it is colon cancer. I am told that they have no idea how far it has spread because it is showing up on both the lower and upper GI. They inform my mom that it may even have spread to my stomach and until they go in, there is no way they will truly know what the deal is. Well, they schedule my surgery for February 5, 1986. Now understand this is a Friday we are told on and on the following Wednesday, I am to have surgery. I had no time to react to this. I was told that I would most likely end up with an ileostomy if the cancer is just in my intestines and if it were farther than that, they would discuss the options with my mom. I found out later that they did discuss the option prior to the surgery with my mom but no one wanted to tell me and even to this day, I do not know what the options were. My mom was in the middle of my step father leaving her, well not officially leaving her, but really in the coming and going when he felt like it stage of their marriage. She is worried about me as I was really sick. She had just dedicated her life to Jesus and she was fighting demons left and right in her life. My grandmothers' were still alive and my aunt lived right down the street from the hospital. For my mom that was a blessing for her to have family around her during this time. I remember her telling me how she cried one night about me and what was going on with me, and God comforted her telling her that I was not hers, that I was a gift and I belonged to God and she needed to let go and let Him do His wonders. When she first told me that, I thought she was off her rockers, but now I know what she means as I look at my own child and realize what a gift he truly is and how I am blessed with him but he is God's child whom I am "borrowing" as mine. Well here is the miracle, the doctors went in and when they got to my intestines, not only was the cancer located in one space, it was located so neatly, that the surgeons could not believe how neat the cancer was inside of me. The one surgeon said he could not have asked for a better situation, and he said that if ever did see God's work on someone, it was that day, as it was the easiest surgery he had ever performed. I had to come away from the surgery with an ileostomy but I came away from the surgery with my life. I was of course devastated with the ileostomy since I was 17 years old and was trying to be sexually active and of course thought it was the end of the world. For those of you that do not know what an ileostomy is, my rectum was closed and my bowel movements were sent through an external bag on my body that was noticeable to anyone when I was without clothes and sometime noticeable when I had clothes on. My heart goes out to all that have to endure this kind of device as it is not easy. I spent 19 years with one; I am blessed to no longer have one. I spent my 17th birthday in the hospital all the time being really quiet and withdrawn, this had my family concerned and I was truly lost for words, I am never lost for words but I was at this time, so I ended up just pulling within myself. I had just survived cancer and from being molested, I was a numb individual. So I did all that I could think of at that time, I joined church and was healed but could not commit myself completely to Jesus at that time. I started hanging out in the streets and doing whatever I thought I was grown enough to do. I was what I call a "hoochie mama" looking for love in all the wrong places. I have learned that many victims of molestation react in this manner and I have come to repent and understand where I was at that time in my life.

I tried to date Josh during the time of my health issues but unknown to me he started to date my friend at the time, Leah. Well no one told me and I was talking to Josh one day and told him about how slutty Leah was in my mind and busted her. Needless to say, she and I were no longer friends after that. I believe with all that I had been through, I did not connect with anyone unless they served some kind of purpose to me. Leah no longer serves a purpose and I believe that is why I just kicked her to the curb after our argument about Josh. I was hard on not just my male friends but my female friends too. Josh and I did not talk much after that for awhile, until I decided to go to college in summer of 1987.

I went to college a year after I graduated from high school. We did not have the money and I really did not have the motivation either. Therefore, that summer, I went to college and guess who was located on my very same floor at that time. It was Josh!! Well at that time, I was dating a guy named Sean. I thought I had finally met my love match; we did all kind of things together. He took me places and did stuff with me. Josh could not stand him and Sean could not stand Josh. I was only friends with Josh even though I would flirt but it was safe with him as far as I was concerned. I would go to his room and we would talk. I would iron his clothes and be like a big sister to him as he was always so attentive and listened to what I had to say. I wanted someone to listen to me. I would give him back rubs and nothing would ever happen. I was dumb enough not to know that he was setting me up. I was dating Sean, who would pick me up and bring me home from school or drive me back to school. During my short break between summer classes and fall classes, my mother told me that she had something to tell me. We go to the park and just talked. She proceeded to tell me that Sean was married and did not tell me. I was devastated. I was so hurt and so angry. I confronted him and of course, I got "my wife does not understand me", I still talked to him while I was home and my mom was so angry with me. I wanted to believe him; I did not want to believe that someone else I trusted would hurt me like that. I went back to college for fall semester and I ended the relationship. I had heard at one point that he changed his life around and was now a minister. I started a "friends with benefits" relationship with Josh after that, it lasted for 15 years.

Josh and I went through a lot during those 15 years and I am thankful for his friendship during that time for I learned a lot about people through him. He was a constant friend with benefits for 14 years of the 15-year friendship and always there to hold my hand when things went wrong with the men in my life. He never judged me or expected anything of me until one day he did and that was the end of our 15-year friendship. One of the reasons why I was able to be a "friend with benefits" with him so long was because he never pressured me. If I called, he came. If I need help financial, he was there. If I wanted to just talk, he would talk to me. We were like that for years. I will mention him throughout the rest of the story.

I ended up leaving college after one year between my grades and money, I could not do it. I really started in college to just give sex to any man who wanted me. I wanted to be loved and held by anyone that I thought would give me the love that I so desperately wanted. It did not work that way. Men would not care that I had an ileostomy, the external pouch. They just wanted the sex from me and all I wanted was to feel love. I thought that love was sex. I did not enjoy it at all, but it was what they wanted. I wanted to get married, I wanted to be loved. I was smoking and drinking whatever I could so that I could let myself go and just be able to live each day without feeling as if I was worthless. At this point in my life, in college, all I did was party and sleep around with men. I had started to get obsessed with being someone's girlfriend. I had got to the "stalking" stage of men that I was obsessed with. It was as I was challenged by it. I remember one of my obsessions actually had a friend in college be there when he told me although I was nice; he just did not want to be with me. I was the kind of girl that tried to win them over with cooking for them, taking guys out to eat and try to buy their affection and love. The really strange part of it all was it was just to get their attention. Once I had their attention and all that, I would kick them to the curb, no longer wanting their attention. It was if all I wanted was the challenge of getting them to "want" me, give them what they wanted and then kick them to the curb. I was thin then, after the cancer, I had lost a lot of weight, and was 5 ft 6 in tall weighing in at about125 pounds. I was just a cute thing but so desperate for love. So what I did was go hang out with the football players and of course ended up being a "side" for one of the players. Oh he was such a cutie, we partied all the time. But one day, I was hanging out with him, and his cousin was there. His cousin and I was talking about dumb stuff, while the guy I was side seeing said he had to go check something out for his girlfriend and asked me not to leave. He had an apartment on campus at the time. Well you know how you know you should not listen and follow your first instinct; well I did not do so. His cousin and I was sitting just talking, drinking some beer. He starts to tell me that his cousin said how much fun I was and that I was wasting my time with him, as he was going to be the one who made the money and a sister as fine as me needed to be with him. Well, I did not like him, he was not a challenge, and I blew him off. Wrong thing to do, the next thing that I knew, I was sitting there with blood dripping from my lip and body just sore. I was good at blocking things out of my mind at that time, but the cousin had beaten me pretty bad and raped me. My roommate at the time tried to get me to go to the hospital, but I went to the campus nurse and made her promise not to tell my mom. I thought in my mind that I asked for him to beat me and rape me. Well in my mind, that pushed me to the point of just giving men what they wanted when they wanted. It could not get any worse than that to me.

While I was in college, I met a couple female friends and we would hang out. When I quit college, one of the girls from college became a friend outside of college. My wild days and nights would not be allowed in my mom's house. At this point, my mom was saved and attending church. I was going with her once again, but was not trying to live right. I was dating guys in the church and giving them all they asked for. When they were first starting to talk to me, they thought I was an innocent girl as that is what I wanted them to think. I went as far as making each of them think that the first time we had sex was the first time I had sex. I had guys wanting to leave their girlfriends and wives. There were guys leaving them too, only for me to reject them. It was so satisfying to me to reject them and ignore them. I really was just out there doing whatever I thought I could. As I stated, I met a new friend in college who was almost as wild as I was. So when she came home from college, we started hanging out, we were not 21 yet but going to the bars to hang out.

There were about six of us females, and I thought I was the "hot" one of the group. I loved a challenge; I was stealing women's men. I really could not stand the fact that there were black men dating white women, so if I saw that, I would put in all my efforts into getting him to stop talking to her. One thing I was learning was that men were just not to be trusted with my heart. I could walk past a guy and just walk a certain way, dance a certain way, look at him a certain way and whatever woman he was with had no chance. I have seen them take her home and come back praying that I was still there. I learned how to juggle more than one guy at a time in their presence. I was NO ONE'S woman and they knew that I was a free spirit. I am guessing that was part of the attraction to them. Some men wanted to tame me, but it just did not work. I was sleeping with whomever I wanted to sleep with. So I should have not been surprised when I found out that I had gonorrhea. I was so angry as no one would tell me who had it to give it to me; of course, I got it all by myself. Let me tell you that was the most embarrassing doctor's appointment. I thought I was pregnant and there for a pregnancy test to find out I had a STD. Well, you would think that would stop me. Once they gave me the shot, I went right back to having sex. I was still having unprotected sex all the time. I was living on my own at that time as my mother was so upset with my lifestyle and what I was doing, she was concerned for me but had her own issues going on at that time, so I was not on the top of her list of things to do. I actually moved out of her house because she made me angry and moved in with two high school friends. Well that was not a good idea, all that partying meant that I was not going to be able to give up my half of the rent, but we sure did have a lot of parties and fun. Josh was still in college and coming home for vacation and what not. He had a car then and would come visit me. We had at this point already been having sex, I thought I was in love with him and I thought that we were just going to get married one day. I believe that he thought once I stopped acting like a slut that we would. I went on like this walking around and just doing whatever I thought I could with men until about the age of 24.

When I was 24 years old, I was back living at home. My mom was working my last nerve about getting a good job and just getting my life straight. So what did I do, I ran. I went to live with my father in Denver. I went to live with his "other" family. I learned that you could not run from your problems, they just follow you. I loved the city and I met some pretty cool people, but my history with men followed me. I wanted to start a new life so when I met this really nice recently divorced guy with two kids, I thought that things would be better for me. Well he ended up going back to his wife and I was so hurt, I went immediately back to my old ways. I wanted someone to love me. I had started dating a few guys at one time and it was just so ridiculous how I was trying to get one of them to marry me so that I did not have to be alone or take care of me. I did not want to work and I did not want to be in my father's house. His wife and I did not get along so I spent more and more time away from them. I was working two jobs at the time trying to get the money together to get my own place. His wife did not buy groceries and acted as they were too poor to have me there. So one day she took her daughters and me to a shelter to do some charity work. I did not think nothing of it, I thought cool, do something good for others. She was setting me up. When we were done helping out in the kitchen, we got to eat lunch and then we got a tour of the facility. As we are getting the tour, she turns to me and says to me that this is a nice place for me to come until I get on my feet. Now mind you we were in a homeless shelter. I did not say a word, and when we got back to their place, I cried my eyes out and decided to call my mom. I rode a bus from Denver to Pittsburgh, so glad to be out of that house. I arrived back home as the prodigal daughter and so tired and so broke. God was nowhere in my mind. I did go to church while in Denver, as I have throughout my life but never on a regular basis and never with much feeling or hope of seeing what "all the fuss" was about. But God has something for me to learn and I just did not want to learn what He was trying to teach me.

Okay, so you have to understand that I was not trying to hear God's word and He sent His word to me in many fashions and people. He tried to reach me but I was not trying to hear Him. Well then, I started to gain weight, I am not talking about a little bit, but a lot of weight at one time. I was so lost as to what was going on with me, but as I noticed there was a lump growing on the side of my neck...hum did I think to go to the doctor's after all I had been through with the colon cancer...come on now that would be too much like right. I had just landed a position with a great company. I did not want to go to the doctor to see what was wrong. My mom was overcoming her loss of my grandmothers and urged me to go to the doctor to get it check out. So I made an appointment, and I went to the doctor to get sent for a test. I end up getting a call from the doctor's office to come back for a follow up...and my doctor informs me that it is a cancerous goiter and it needs to be removed. He sends me to the specialist, and we schedule the surgery. I was not happy with this but oh well. I was living at home at the time because I was trying to get my own place. I ended up living at home for a while and that caused some serious issues as I was still being a "hoochie mama". So I go to have surgery and I ended up doing this by myself...my mom came to visit but I found out later that she had a lot going on in her own life. She was living with a man whom was a drug addict, there were many issues going on at that time, and she was with him dealing with that. I remember sleeping and waking up to her being there and I remember that she did not stay long and I was so resentful of her for leaving me. I have come to realize now why, God is good to me and has opened my eyes to so much but at the time, I did not understand. The doctors were amazed that I was able to come through as I did and sent me home two days later. This was August 24, 1994, that I had the surgery. I came home and recovered nicely from the surgery, but the battle just begun and I had no idea how much the thyroid controls in your body. I have been up and down in my weight since then, I have had bouts of depression because of the pain in my heart and the pain in my body. It was the beginning of the awakening in me. The weight gain due to my thyroid issues was very devastating to my ego and what self-esteem that I had left. I lost what was left of it once I started putting the weight on which made me think that no one was going to want me anymore. At this time, I went from a size 6 to a size 12 and though I still looked good, I saw myself as fat and just ugly. Up until this point, I thought I was ugly and that it was my body that got the men to look. I was barely wearing clothes; the tighter it was the better it was to me. The more I showed the more attractive that I thought I was. I never wanted any one to get to see who I was for I did not see myself as smart or intelligent. I thought I was dumb and this is why I could not keep the boyfriend's attention. I had no idea at that time that I was selecting from the bottom of the barrel. I found a place of my own, move out of my mom's house, and never returned to her house. I did at a time stay with my aunt in 1996 due to not being able to afford the place I was staying in. I did not have a car and caught the bus everywhere and just kept hoping for a car to come my way. I finally got my own place, a car, and here comes the true fun...my first husband!!!!! Oh wow!!!!!!

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 3

Marriages

The Marriages

Now at this point in my life, after countless men, I had changed my way of thinking. I was becoming harder and harder towards men. As mentioned in the last chapter, I did not care for sex; to me it was a tool to get what I wanted. If I needed a couple of dollars, if I need groceries, if I wanted to go see a movie, if I wanted to go out to dinner, I would call up whoever was the flavor of the month and just tell him what I needed and waited for him to come over. I would lay there feeling nothing but all along faking it. At this point, I realized the effect of oral sex on a man and what kind of POWER it gave me. I knew that if I would do that, hummm I could get whatever I wanted. I was truly using that for my good. I was way beyond stealing my girlfriends' men; I was way beyond getting drunk and just having sex with a guy I just met. I was way beyond loving and caring about what they truly thought. On occasion, I would meet a guy who actually wanted to get to know me, we would date but at some point, I would kick him to the curb, the first time he tried to get close to me. I would just tell him "see ya" for the smallest offense. I would not take no for answer. I used to change boyfriends like I changed my underwear. I would also take each of them around my family, as I wanted to prove that I was "normal" that there was nothing wrong with me. I had got to the point of not caring at all.

By the time my first husband came along, I was tired, scared of being alone for the rest of my life and just wanting to truly be "normal". I was still seeing Josh as a friend with benefits, when I was not seeing some one at the time, I would call him to "fill in". He was always there, I made the mistake of thinking that it was because he truly cared for me, there was still so much more to come.

I have to laugh when I look back on my first husband. The only reason my first husband was even able to get the time of day with me was that I was beyond desperation. I had low self-esteem, I had tons of mistrust for men, I did not want to be alone, and I wanted to be loved. So why not have a crack head alcoholic for a husband. I tell you what, all my sisters out there who are 28 years old, getting ready to turn 30 in few years and might be in a frenzy that you are not married and losing your mind...STOP IT RIGHT NOW...or you might make the mistake that I did.

I married him because he asked and I needed to feel like I had my own family, I wanted children and I wanted love. I do not think he expected me to say yes and then I do not think he expected me to show up. I was 28 years old when I first met him; D is what I will call him. I should have never hooked up with him in the first place let alone marry him. He was smooth when he was high and mean when he was not. My family did not want me to marry him at all, but as we always are, we are supportive of each other. I knew that he was a crack head and an alcoholic but I thought I could "save" him, if I loved him enough, he would be grateful to me and stay with me forever and always. I thought that my love would be good enough finally for someone, as he really needed love. I did not know then that what he needed was Jesus.

During this time, my sister had a baby and I was so beside myself that she would be pregnant before I was. It was so hard to watch her be pregnant and see the attention that she was getting that I wanted so desperately. I figured that since she was an unwed mother and I would be a married mom, the attention I would get would be so much more than what she received. I wanted to be a mommy so bad. I was having tons of unprotected sex, just waiting to get pregnant. How dare she have a baby before me, I was the oldest and supposed to do everything first!

D would work when he could get a job but since his work history was not that great, he would go to the "same day" job places, wait in a long line to go to work and get money for his drug habit. When I met him, he was living in a shelter and I moved him in immediately for I wanted to be supportive and with him. In 1996 – we got married in May; I actually forget what the date was. We got married in May of 1996 to get divorced in May of 1998. Short-lived marriage, I kicked him out of my house in February 1998. He was abusive to me, he would beat me when things were bad for him, He was strung out on drugs and I was trying to get him help. We kept separating all the time only to end up fighting again and never getting it to work right. I would go to his job on paydays to get his check before he went to the bank. He actually got wise to that and would leave the job before I got there and go get high. He was/is a talented plumber and knew the trade inside and out. I used to tell him all the time that he should be a Master Plumber but the drugs held him back so much. I remember being at work and he was supposed to come pick me up in our car and as always he was late, as he was all the time, but this time he never showed. I called his mother and asked her to come get me. She dropped me off at home, and when I went to walk into my house, the chain was on the door. I started banging on the door, and eventually he let me in. As I come into my house, I noticed something was out of line. I first noticed that he was naked with a towel wrapped around him. I noticed next that my finger nail polish and polish remover was in the living room and I never did that in my living room. We did not have living room furniture at the time and I spent most of my time in my bedroom. I saw the bathroom door shut and went to open the door and could not because SHE was holding it shut. I threatened to call the police if she did not open the door. I was so hurt that I could not speak, shocked and hurt. After all, I was doing to keep us living with food and all that I sacrificed to get things straight to have him cheating on me. She was also bigger than I was, I was a size 14 at the time, and not fat at all, but I thought I was and heard from him repeatedly that I was. She was about a size 20 or so, I was devastated and so hurt. I actually looked at him and told him that I was done, that I did not want him any more and when I got back, he was to be gone. I went and knocked on my neighbor's door, and wanted to go for a ride. I asked her to go with me, and we get in my car and as I go to drive, my brakes were grinding. My rotors were bad. We went back to my apartment and I went into my place, he was gone and she was gone. I laid there and cried my eyes out, wondering what I did to deserve this. Well he came home the next day saying how sorry he was and how he needed to get help, that he was getting high with her and that is why they were there. He told me that she meant nothing and he loved me. It was the first time he went into rehab. He stayed in rehab for about 3 days and came home. We went through this for most of our marriage, women in my home, getting beat when he was coming off a high or needing a fix. He was in rehab three times during our marriage, which always came after a huge major fight.

The last time he beat me – I knew it was time as I fought back. He knew how to hit me so that no one could see the marks of the abuse. As I was lying on the couch and he was hitting me, all I could think of was my mom and what she went through all her life with my stepfather abusing her; I knew that I did not want that life. I called the police and left. The next morning I filed a PFA (Protection from Abuse order) on him and it was over. He filed for divorce and we were divorced in May 1998. While we were separated, he went back to rehab and called me to tell me that he was sorry, that he should have never married me and it was the biggest mistake he had ever made. I was truly hurt behind his words, as I wanted to believe that he did love me, and the drugs stopped us. I have no idea where he is and what he is doing, I had heard that he got married again and was clean for a year, that was over four years ago and praying that he is still clean and happy in his life.

On February 17, 1998 – I turned 30 years old, I was so depressed, and I knew my marriage was over, no babies even though we tried during that time. Here I am about to be divorced, the one thing that I did not want to say about being 30 years old. I had an ex husband who had informed me yet again that my love was not enough for him and that I was not his type of woman. He actually told me yet again that he was never physically attracted to me and which is why he had to get high to have sex with me. Therefore, what did I do, as I was not happy? I decided to throw the biggest party I had ever had. I was the party queen and I made sure it was the best, not sure, if anyone else had fun but in the "worldly" ways, I had a ball. Shame on me, but when I was in the world, I was in the world. The actual day of my 30th birthday, I sat in my house and cried all day long. I was thinking what is wrong with me no one loves me. I felt worthless, used and unloved.

At this point, Josh appeared again after I called him. He was there and I actually started trying to "date" him. We were headed there or so I thought. I was giving all I could to him, once again trying to buy his love, shower him with affection. Well, I found out things about him that I never let myself see before. His lifestyle was not what I wanted. He was into the drug scene, not on the point of using it but selling it. I was not a saved girl but I seen enough movies to know that was not good. We had one disagreement about this and I walked away. After 15 years of being "special friends", I walked away from him and never looked back. At this point, I do not know what is going on with him, I pray that he has come to know the Lord and or at least some of his past is gone from his life.

Well then life slowed down for me, I started dating a guy and that did not work out, I moved into another apartment that I could afford, and just going through my life the best I could. I actually just wrote off men, got me a "toy" for my own pleasures and said forget men. I ended up meeting my second husband on June 19, 1999.

He had noticed me prior to our official meeting; he was the brother of my neighbor's boyfriend. The first time we spoke to each other, he was going into the apartment building where I lived to visit his brother – he had his 3 year old daughter with him, she was just the cutest little thing. He looked at me and said, "Hi Dear, You are looking mighty lovely today!" I did not know at the time that was his signature pick up line. He was already thinking of me but I was currently going through my divorce with my first husband. I did not pay much attention to him then as my mind was a million miles away, but I remembered his daughter, as she was just the cutest little girl ever. She was very dainty and bossy, as she demanded her daddy to give to her the sunglasses in his hands. I smiled and said thank you and headed on my way. I had the opportunity to see him on several occasions after that and hold small conversations, with him always telling me how lovely I looked.

I had been divorced for about a year when his brother and my best friend thought it would be wonderful to hook us up. On June 19, 1999 at 7 PM – I am rushing to the bar to hang out. I did not plan to stay long and I sure did not plan to drink as much as I did. I do not drink and drive EVER, so to get drunk was not a good thing that night. I did enjoy the conversation and attention that I was receiving from him as I thought he was really cute and charming. We were all sitting there and I decided to stop drinking as I felt that I was getting a little too tipsy and wanted to leave with my senses about me, his brother and he proceed to tell me not to worry, and he will drive me home. Since I did not get out much then, I took him up on his offer and had a couple more drinks, never once thinking, he is drinking too. We talked the night away at the bar, laughing joking and listening to music.

During that time of my life, I smoked, drank, wore extensions in my hair, wore long fake nails, was a size 16 but looked like a size 12, had a body that was just all that, I was just cute! He was attracted to the hair, nails, and was a man unwise to the fact that they were not real. I have always been honest about those things so when he complimented me on my hair and nails, I informed him that they were not natural. He laughed and asked me was at least my boobs and butt real, I laughed and told him that was as natural as natural could get. He said cool, then we are good.

Well then, it was time to leave, well he drove me home in my huge 1980 Bonneville, and came upstairs to my apartment. We did not have sex that night, as I was not going to kick it to him; I was attracted to him and wanted him to stick around so I denied him; he was a gentleman about it and went to sleep. In the morning, we got up and went with his brother and my best friend at the time to breakfast. After that, he dropped me off at my house and we made plans for later, I had to go to a fundraiser that evening and we made plans for him to pick me up. I really did not want him to go so I gave him keys to my apartment and told him to hang out there, as at the time he was staying at his mother's house, as he was divorced in Feb of that same year and paying child support for four children at that time. My heart went out to him as my heart normally does for people who are down on their luck and still does. Well, he went to my place and I went to the function, funny how life is when you look back on it, I just knew that he would be around for awhile. I was so fascinated in the fact that a man I thought was so attractive was interested in me, that is because I did not love myself enough to realize that I was something special. We ended up living together and on Christmas Day, 1999 – he asked me to marry him. We had already been through an episode of him cheating on me, but I forgave him. Therefore, to satisfy me, he asked me to marry him, I ignored the warning signs, and I should have listened to the warning signs! What I did not know then, was his brother was setting us up as sex partners; we were not to be married. His brother did not want to lose his hanging partner, but he did not have anything to worry about that.

Our marriage was doomed for neither one of us were ready to deal with the emotional baggage that we each carried with us. I cannot speak for him but my past was about to explode all over our marriage. I had issues with intimacy and he had issues with commitment and being faithful.

My past life, low self-esteem issues and unbelieving life was headed down a road of discovery that I was unaware I was headed down. I had the desire to be loved, I wanted a family, I wanted to be loved so much but I did not love myself. I loved to be held, to be kissed, to "make-out" but the actual act of intimacy was too much for me, it was not something I enjoyed at all. It reminded me too much of the past pain, the past hurt, and the images of my stepfather haunting me long after the abuse stopped. I became the queen of "fake-it". As I realize that the hugs and kisses were good, I had to deal with the intimacy too for that was always right behind the kisses...plus in my mind that is how I knew if a man loved me. So I turned it over to a control type of situation, I was in control of my body and no one could enter my heart. I was hurting, every man I met never loved me enough, why, why, why, why? I did not know then, but I know now, I did not love me, and not loving me ruined any chance of my marriage surviving.

We went through the motions, I forced him to into adopting my son – at least that is what he says, of course I say differently. The happiest day of my life was the day I held my son in my arms. He was the most precious baby to me. Jonathan's dad spent more time away from home, he would play with Jonathan, but our interaction with each other lessened more each day. At that time, I loved my husband, the best way that I knew how. I used to beg him to talk to me, I knew that for our marriage to survive we needed to talk. We went through the motions of marriage but never really connected, as we should have. He was more like a friend or partner, not a marriage partner but someone you tolerated because of the situation. Right about the time I thought things could not get worse, they did!

In 2002, I started feeling tired all the time I had no energy. The doctor could not find anything wrong with me. Now remember I only went to the doctor's office when I was hurting in the past...I was going to the doctor all the time now. They could not find anything wrong with me. I was tired all the time, I was putting weight on again...I was emotional and a wreck. I did not want to do anything at all...I thought it was my thyroid but the tests were coming back positive and okay. I know now that it was the beginning of depression. A deep depression would last for three years.

He was starting to be verbally abusive, when anyone was around; he portrayed the perfect husband, but when it was just us, he would tell me how ashamed of me he was, how much weight I had put on, why not take better care of myself. I would take it all, it was constant and it was damaging. During this time, I had heard about a new kind of surgery, it would take my ileostomy and change the way that is was done. It would take the exterior bag/appliance and place it inside, which would give me much more control. I started talking to him about the surgery and he really started hammering me, he started talking about how much of a pain I was and how he wished I would find a new man and move on in my life for I was no longer an asset but a liability. It was the beginning of his relationship with the woman he left me for and the more time he spent with her, the crueler the words where that came out of his mouth. It was said to me almost every day of our marriage. Now let me say that he is a man of material things. We had a prosperous year in 2000, until we added a child into our home. His job did some monetary cutbacks that made money tighter for us. He started telling me all kinds of things that just were so demeaning to my very spirit...how unattractive I was, how no other man will ever want me and that he would be stuck with me forever! Mind you in my mind, this is the man that is to love me for all eternity.

I started mentioning to him about wanting another child...well that did not go over well and he spend more time away from home then. I begged him to allow me to have the new surgery. So in 2004, I traveled to Florida to have the surgery done...he came and stayed for the surgery and then went home to watch Jonathan. I found out later that he did not have Jonathan a lot, my family did. Here is the thing though, I was in Florida ready to have the BCIR surgery, and the doctor wanted me to have some ex rays because my stomach area was too hard, he wanted to see what it was before he opened me up. I am sitting in my hospital room and in come a gynecologist. I am thinking okay what is this. She introduces herself and saying I am your other surgeon. I was like "what for". She did not know that I had no idea what she was talking about. She said well there is a hardening in your uterus where you are full of cysts and it/they need to be removed. You could have just pushed me over with a feather...she proceeds to inform me that they appear to be cancerous cells which does not surprise me at all. Come on with everything else in my life...cancer no longer scares me. I sit there and ask her the options, she said they could scrape and watch it or they could take it out. He yells out without hesitation - take it out. I was still trying to save my marriage so after talking to him; I listened to him and believed that it would help our marriage. I allowed them to take my uterus from me. I cried that night before the surgery, I was hurting for I did not want to do it but I wanted to save my marriage. He was right there insisting that I do it and unto this day, I pray to God that I let it go and forgive myself for that act. I know that God has already forgiven me, and at this point need to forgive myself. While they gave me the new internal pouch for my bowels, they took my uterus. I did feel better and that was part of the issues with being sleepy all the time as I was losing a lot of iron in my system. I went home 4 weeks later, with a little more strength and hopeful that my marriage would work out. WRONG! The day after I came home, he went out and even though I was not to do moving around and heavy lifting, he left me alone with our son. I could have called my family but I was ashamed that I was in these circumstances with him. I did the best I could but fell deeper in depression and denied it to all that asked me. My mom kept going on and on about getting help and seeing a therapist and I just ignored her and everyone else. I did not go for therapy, as she would have liked, and I sunk even deeper into depression.

He spent more and more time away from home, I went into deeper and deeper depression. I was hearing from him that I was not good enough, just to find another man so that he could leave me. He was telling me that he did not want to be a dad in the first place and that this was worse than his other marriages. He told me that I was fat and just needed to get off my butt. Well our sex life went to almost nothing at all, when we did "do it" as it was not love making, it was the same old routine. He did not do anything to spice it up and neither did I. I felt even more like a piece of meat and less of a woman. I was becoming a lump of a woman. My son was still a happy child as we were going through things. The ending was coming and I tried to get him to talk to me to get us to work it out, but he was too far into the relationship with his girlfriend, whom he believed had money, as she was buying him all kind of things. He was coming home with new clothes, new cologne, and even new glasses. He lied to me thinking that I was dumb and did not know that he was lying. I knew he was lying but was hoping it would pass just like the other women whom come and go in his life. He actually had his girlfriend buy him a cell phone and I allowed him to give me a sorry excuse as to why it was in someone else's name, a woman's name. He started taking Jonathan with him when he went out to see her, just to prove to me that he was not seeing her. My son knew her as a different name than the name on the cell phone but I knew something was not right. We argued about everything, we never talked; all we did was argue all the time. I smoked too much and he drank too much. We were in a lost situation.

On February 18, 2005 – we had a huge argument. I had received a bonus at work and wanted to spend the money on me, not the bills. He did not have a problem with that until he realized that I was not giving him any of the money. We had fall so far apart, I really did not think he expected it, but he did. We got in a huge argument as we always did. I told him that I would give him $1,000 to leave me, if that is all it took and that was all I meant to him. He said sure, give me a $1,000 and I am out of here. Well I thought that it was just an act for money, but if it got me a weekend free from him, that was good for me. He was in the habit of starting arguments so he could stay the weekend with her, he would say he was working late and his paycheck did not reflect the over time at all. He was trying to be sneaky but was not good at it at all. I was just waiting it all out, but little did I know that there was no waiting this out. It was my birthday weekend, so I went to have a full day spa treatment to celebrate my birthday weekend. I had started to try to fix up appearance to save my marriage and was exercising and losing weight. I wanted to treat myself for my birthday and my sister and I went to the spa for the day. He had Jonathan and I did not expect to come home to all his stuff moved out, but it was. I truly thought it was dumb of him to do that, as he would be back in a week and have to move all that back with him. I was not even upset at first. Well that following Tuesday, he calls me to see if I am ready to work out our marriage and I said if he was willing to give up the girlfriend. He went on and on about not having a girlfriend and he was staying with a friend of his. I told him he was full of crap and told him when he was ready to deal with the truth he could call me back.

Well, this was the beginning of an emotional rollercoaster for me. We would talk but he would not spend a lot of time with Jonathan, he was not coming around the house or answering his cell phone in the evenings. So of course, this just confirms what I believed. My son was starting to sink into a shell as he was thinking that daddy left because of him. He was playing in his room and playing with a lighter and lit his football on fire and it exploded. As Jonathan ran downstairs, I went to investigate what was wrong. I thought he broke his light in his room but when I saw the smoke coming from the house, I grabbed my son, grabbed my phone and ran out the house. I was so scared as flashbacks from my childhood fire came back to me. I went to my neighbors and the fire department came. I was watching them bust all the windows on the second floor and I just cried and cried. It was so hard to watch. I was thinking to myself what else – what else! I called Jonathan's dad to tell him, since I was still praying that we would work out our marriage and his name was on the house too. We went to stay at my aunt's house until the repairs were completed on our house. It would take 6 months for this to happen.

Here we are at my aunt's house due to the fire in my house. As I sit here, I remember Jonathan's dad calling all the time, trying to come home, but never once telling me the real deal about his girl friend. Well I am about to hit rock bottom, for we sometimes need to be careful for what we wish for. I wanted to know who this woman was...I had her name...so I went internet searching. I paid a service to give me information about her address and phone numbers. I load my son into my car, drive to her house and there he was. He was in the back yard...he said he was doing work for her...yeah right. I swear sometimes when you are caught just give it up. She was hiding in her house; she went running into the house when she saw me there. Well I demanded him to come with me. He wanted to follow me in the van – I said sure. We drove to the local park so that my son can play and we can "talk". We go to the park and I listen to my husband say how unhappy he was with me and how happy he was with her. I listened to the same man who just that morning begs me to allow him to come home, tell me that this woman was the best thing that ever happened to him. I LOST MY MIND PEOPLE. I did not hit him or anything like that....I leaned over and said to him calmly "fine". I went to get Jonathan and put him in my car and drove off. I never said a word to anyone. I was so hurt I could not speak. I went home, let my son play outside and I just sat there. I was so hurt. Nothing would come out of my mouth. I started to retreat within myself; the depression had hit the low of all lows. I sent my son to bed, I went into the room we were sleeping in...I had tons of sleeping pills. I sat there with that bottle of sleeping pills, stared at them, and stared at them. My son and I were sharing a room at my aunt's house. I sat there and I was looking at him and the bottle. A little voice said...he is not worth your life and your son needs you. Let it go, but it was neither the first nor the last time that I thought about ending my life. I did not take my life, but I could not sleep. I did not trust myself to take a couple pills, so I threw them away. I did not know what to do, I could not cry, I could not think. I was so numb. Things from my life just kept coming at me and I could not stop thinking about it, I could not even cry out of pain or anything. I was so deep in depression that I had no idea how I looked to others. I almost lost my job, I was called into the office on several occasions and let me tell you...my work history before that was so clean that it is not even funny. Everyone wanted me to work for him or her; everyone wanted me to be his or her employee. I was so deep in depression that I was not even taking care of my son. My family was so worried about me but I did not hear them nor care to hear what they had to say. When you have someone, who is so deeply depressed – they are not going to listen to you...pray for them and never stop. My mother and aunt were some praying women this I know for I believe their prayers help me to hear God's word. Well, I was walking around in a daze. I did not fix my hair, called off work, and just all around did not care anymore. My son ate so much McDonalds, that he gained so much weight people started telling me that he was getting too big. I wanted to talk to him, so I used my son to call him so that I could hear his voice. I got into several fights with his woman. I started to threaten him with child support if he did not come home. I was driving past the house at all weird hours to see what was going on, I was past obsessed with what was going on with him. I took a glass container and smashed it in the back of her driveway to make noise to wake them up. I knew they were in the house sleeping and went to the van and took his keys just to show him that I could do it. I would call him, yelling, and crying, screaming, or just plain begging him. I was telling him how sorry I was, how much I needed him. I would try everything, sex conversation and money. Our wedding anniversary was on June 17. He sent me for our wedding anniversary, a dozen roses with a card professing undying love for me and may we have 10 more anniversaries, he gave me a pampering basket and said that we would go out to dinner and he was coming home soon. He was always saying he was coming home soon; just let him work it out. He lied. He spent our fifth anniversary with her and ignored all my calls. I took the presents and placed them on their porch wanting her to see them. I found out later that he found them and hid them from her. The Sunday after our wedding anniversary, I was lying in my bed and heard a song that my aunt was playing and it just touched my heart...Speak to My Heart... I started moving around and decided to go to church. I did not have a dress to wear; I grew up believing that women were to wear dresses to church at least. I did not have one; I went to church in a pair of jeans. I felt so much better when I walked in the door. I felt so much relief. I did not go every single Sunday but I did go a couple more times. On July 17, 2005 – I dedicated my life to the Lord and decided that I could not do this alone. On July 24, 2005 – I was baptized in the name of Jesus.

On July 25, my husband moved into the house with us at my aunt's house. Well, I was the perfect wife...I did everything I thought I should do...I was cooking cleaning, giving him all the lovin' that he could think of, being aggressive as he wanted me to be...I did it all. During our separation, I noticed that I was breaking out in hives all the time. The whole time I was being the "perfect wife" I was covered in hives. It was worse during that week, the worst it had ever been. So on July 30, 2005 – when we were at the park with our son spending quality family time, when he decided to tell me that he was leaving yet again and going back to his girlfriend. Let me tell you...this time I lost it physically. I was told that things did not feel right with me and that he wanted to be with her. I had already known that he was talking to her every day as he was using my cell phone to do it. I waited until we were in the car...I am driving and I lost it...I reached over and started hitting him with my free hand. I was so gone...he asked me to stop...my son was in the back seat crying...my mind was gone. I pulled over and could barely walk around the car to allow him to drive...I started hitting him again as he was driving. He threatened me that he would leave me right there if I did not stop. My mouth was going...you have to know me to know that my mouth can go...you think I write a lot be in my presence and let me be angry. I have to say that the stereotype of a sista who does not quit is true with me in that situation. We get back to the house, Jonathan is outside, and we are inside of the house. I go off on him...I just start to beat the crap out of him. I am not joking; I am hitting him with my fist. He takes it never once hitting me back. I cry, I scream and I just yell. He wanted to take his stuff; I refused to let him take anything. Mind you when he came home, he wanted 125.00 from me to give to her to pay her back some money that he owed her or so they said. I refused to do anything at all for him. I sat there crying, thinking about how confused I was, I did all that I was supposed to do. I could not imagine why he would leave me. I could not imagine it at all. I started thinking of all the things that I had been doing...we were getting insurance checks for replacing the things in the house, I never once did not give him money when he needed it. I continued to do the things I thought I should, always trying to be right because I blamed myself for the mess up in the marriage. I kept looking at what I did wrong, why could he not see that I was trying. I went through so much pain – I kept trying. I believe that the only reason he came that one week in July was because they had an argument. When I finally allowed him to come get his times, he was still saying he was going to eventually come home and I wanted to believe him. I did not want yet another person to say they loved me and did not mean it. I started dating and that did not work, first the guy was not really my type, Jonathan's dad saw us together and had a fit. I stopped seeing the guy in hopes of working on my marriage.

I was so happy that he had such a fit in front of his girlfriend that I had hoped that she would kick him to the curb. Up until July-2005, we were having sex regularly and I would let her know that we did, in hopes that she would kick him to the curb. Well guess what, it did not work, she was not letting go and he did not want her to either. I found out that he was lying to her too. I was just once again a doormat for someone. Well after he left in July, I would not admit to him that I still cared for him.

Well after all of this, Jonathan and I move back into the house in September – Labor Day weekend. I got a check for 5,000 from the insurance company the last one from them. I put the check in my account after I had Jonathan's dad sign it for it was in both our names. He asked for 1,000, I told him that I was not sure for I had so much to do to get us in the house. Since we got the second floor redone by the insurance company, there were new windows on the second floor and I got the windows on the first floor done and I wanted to get those paid off, that was 2,500 of the money already gone. We had nothing, we had to get new everything for everything in the house was either water or smoke damaged. I still needed to get a bunch of little things. By the time I was done, I only had 100.00 left over. He was pissed. I did not know at the time, that he had called the insurance company and told them that we did not get the check even though he already knew that we did. They sent a new check but to the address, he gave them. So guess what, they cancelled the check I deposited and that 5,000 check bounced on my account that had no money in it for I spent the money already. I made tons of calls; no one could help me with the situation. He knew what he was doing. I decided okay, enough. I figured that he could do his thing and I would do mine.

Let me say this, where was my faith in all of this? I was going to church when I felt like it; I was still depressed and not listening to the Lord in my life. I could not believe that God would allow all of this to happen to me even though I was going to church and trying to live for the Lord. Well when you do not listen to God, He will get your attention when He wants you to listen to Him. He wanted me to hear Him and boy did I end up listening to Him.

My mother had been sick for a long time and we knew that she was ill. Well on November 2, I got a phone call saying that my mom was admitted to the emergency room, normally one of my siblings goes and those of us with kids stay home. Well I went; I had a friend stay with Jonathan while I went to the hospital. I went into the room and was one of the first ones there; I lived the closest to the hospital. When I got there she was still awake, and I will never forget that time I spent with her.

I told her about Jonathan and what was going on with him and we were talking about God and His goodness. I will never forget her telling me that she was tired and so ready to go home. She used to say that all the time and I told her that she could not leave she had to watch her grandchildren graduate from high school and college. You have to understand, her grandchildren meant the world to her. I swear sometime she loved them more than us...of course I know better than that but sometimes it felt that way. Well, that night I left the hospital and never knew that would be the last time I spoke with my mom!

When she was admitted to the hospital the last time, none of us was surprised as she was being admitted more often but we did not think anything major of it. We thought she did not eat right or something. We found out most times she did not have food and did not want to ask anyone because of her situation with her husband. At the time of her last admittance to the hospital, her husband had a girlfriend and doing drugs again after about 4 years clean. We were all concerned for her well-being, as she was getting worse in her health. We knew the extra stress was not helping her situation either. I will never forget when my sister calls me to tell me that she called the hospital to find out my mom was in the CCU-ICU.

We had no idea what was going on, but they told us that they put her in a medical coma – they told us that she was having problems breathing on her own. We started calling family members and talking via email to get as much information as we could. She had what is called ARDS - Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome. We did all kinds of research on it and found out that some people do come out of it but it is a very long process. We started getting ourselves together for that and praying and thinking positive.

We all went to visit and made sure that someone at some point was at the hospital with her, we did not want her alone long in that state. It was the hardest thing in the world to see. My mommy lying there, but I knew she could hear us, for she would respond with her heartbeat and blood pressure. There were a couple of times she was fighting the medication and trying to come out of the coma....the nurses always made us leave then. We would talk to her and tell her what was going on. We tried to be up beat for each other. I know that we all would go home and fall apart in our private homes. We lived at the hospital...mind you I have a son, my sister has three kids...we had worked out a schedule so the kids did not have to be at the hospital.

I was visiting her one day and the doctor's were talking about how bad it was getting. We were having issues with her husband acting like an idiot and that is the nicest word I can think of to express how he was acting. We had a meeting with the social worker and the doctors to go over things with them. I sat in that meeting numb...I was listening to what the doctors where saying and I could not believe it. There was so much wrong with her that I was unaware of. There was not a healthy organ in her body; the only organ that was still functioning properly was her brain. I could not believe it. My aunts, uncle, my sisters and brother were there for the meeting. I have been the "strong" one all my life, so as I sat there I could not cry...I would not allow myself to cry. I sat there and listened. Everyone wanted to go out to have breakfast. I did not want to be around anyone...I called my job and told them that I was not coming in.

I went home and still did not let it out. I started to pray and asked God to not let my mom suffer like this anymore...I said to Him that I could not just let her go, He was going to have to take her from me. I prayed that it was a peaceful ending to her life and please end her suffering. I had no idea that everyone else in my family was going through their own "letting" her go stage. The next day we received such positive news, they reduced her reliability on the oxygen, that she was breathing more on her own. We were all so positive and so happy about that news after a few weeks of negative stuff.

Well, one day later – Wednesday, November 16, my aunt had visited earlier that day, and my sister and I took a break that day for my other sister was going to go that evening. On my way home from dropping my sister off and headed home, I get a frantic phone call from my mother's husband telling me that the hospital called and said she would not make it through the night. I tried to call my sister that I just dropped off, but she did not answer her phone. I called my aunt who lives two minutes from me to let her know so that someone would get to the hospital, for I had to drive back to New Kensington to get my sister, which is 20 minutes away from me, which means I am 1 hr from getting to the hospital. I get home and start snapping orders at my son and brother about getting ready to go to the hospital, mind you, they had no idea what was going on. I was a lot like my mom that night taking charge as I am telling what is going on and saying ask no questions. My brother was kind enough to wait until we got in the van before fussing at me about how I told him...I yelled it at him. I noticed that Jonathan's dad girlfriends SUV is in front of the house but no sight of him...I tried to call him but he did not answer his cell phone. I was hurting. I wanted my husband. He came to visit Jonathan for 5 minutes and then went to the neighbor's house but because his girlfriend was with him, he did not want the neighbors to tell me that he was there.

My son, my brother and I go to get my sister and her kids. My other sister picks up my grandfather, my mother's father and off to the hospital everyone goes. When we get there – my aunt is there, she has already been informed of what is going on. Once the doctor realizes that we are all there, her children are taken into a room where they give us the news of her condition. All of her organs are shutting down, just shutting down. They proceed to tell us that there are no options; she was dying. They wanted to take her off the medication and let her leave. I asked about pain and other things. They assured us that she feels no pain at this time. As I listened to this man, I could no longer take it, I cried, I cried, and as I type this right now, I still cry. It was the hardest thing that I have ever had to do; I had to really let her go. I went to the room and talked to her. I went back to the waiting area. We waited on my mother's sister and brother from Ohio and for her husband to get there before we told them what we wanted done. My aunt and uncle drove from Ohio to Pittsburgh, PA – which is at least one hour and 45 minutes and with the way my uncle drives it was probably more like an hour drive, they made it to the hospital before my mother's husband who lives in Pittsburgh, 20 minutes away from the hospital made it to the hospital. We were getting ready to tell the doctors what to do when her husband came strolling in there.

The doctors asked who wanted to be in the room with her...I wish I could say that I was there...I was not there, I could not be there. My sister, my mom's one sister, my mom's husband, and her brother were there with her. My other sister and I had to tell our children who where there that their Mema was no longer going to be with us. We had to explain it and then hold them as they all cried for the loss of their Mema. It was the hardest thing I had to tell my son, who was still trying to get passed the fact that his dad was no longer around. It was so hard to do. I will say that Jonathan's dad was kind enough to get Jonathan some dress shoes because Jonathan did not have any for the funeral. He did not come to the house for visitation nor did he come to the funeral. Since she was being cremated, we did visitation at my aunt's house instead of at the funeral home, and we did the memorial, as my mother wanted us to do.

She made all the arrangements prior to her death so we just had to plan the memorial. I will say that emotionally I was holding up, crying only when someone else was crying around me. I will never forget being in my aunt's bedroom on the day of the memorial folding the memorial handouts with my sisters. We started talking and crying but it was bittersweet, we were relying on each other comforting each other during our pain. It was beautiful. I had never really cared for my sister's husband prior to this as I just really did not know him even though they had been together for 6 years and married for 5 years, I was never more impressed with him and how he was with my sister. I was so pleased to see that she had the support of him while she was going through the loss of our mother.

Being the oldest sibling, I was large and in charge, but that is how my mom wanted it because she knew how I was. My aunt was right there with me every step of the way, not allowing me to do anything alone when making arrangements. My aunt is the queen of organization and she is wonderful at that during these kinds of situations. I wanted something personal for the funeral...so I read a poem I wrote about her, my aunt spoke about her, my stepsister spoke about her, and her husband spoke about her. The cards were read and the preacher preached. It was so peaceful. God is so good to us. If you are blessed with your parents, appreciate them for who they are and what they have given you regardless of the situation of the relationship for if it was not for them, you would have not been born!

Well we are now up to the month of December. This is normally a magically month for my life and me. I am the Queen of Christmas...trust me you do not experience Christmas until you are part of my Christmas celebration. The yard is like the Griswold's in the National Lampoon movies. My family teases me but they love coming to my house on Christmas Eve. Well this was the first Christmas holiday without Jonathan's dad and my mom. It was nice though, we had a nice time. It was a reflecting time for all of us but it was nice. I still had daily contact with Jonathan's dad because of my choosing, he showed up on Christmas day to see Jonathan for a whole five minutes...I am not joking...his girlfriend was in the car. He gave me a gift that I did not open...I left it on the table. Jonathan showed him everything I got him for Christmas...well what Santa got him, as we were still doing the Santa Claus thing at that time. Well he was not giving up any money except what child support gave and that was 60.00 a week, so of course he figured he paid for Christmas. Well, he leaves and then calls me the next day saying how sorry he was for not being there with us. He starts telling me that he wants to come home, that he wants to be with us. He tells me that he will be home soon; he just needs to talk to her. I believed him because at this point, I just wanted my old life back, who cared I was miserable in it. I had promised myself if he came home, I would be different. I had just lost my mother and felt as though I could not allow someone else leave me too. At this point most, if not all the contact was initiated by me and not him.

Here we go again...on December 29, 2005 – Jonathan's dad comes pass the house on his way home from work; it is about 11:00 PM because he left work early. He comes to the house because he said he wanted to talk to me. We talk until about midnight and he does all the talking which is a first...he tells me how much he loves me and how much he wants to come home. I tell him that I love him...this is the first time since he left in July. It was hard for me to admit this because at this point I am protecting my heart from him. So I admit to it. I let him kiss me and off he goes to get his stuff and come back to the house.

I lie across the bed and end up drifting off to sleep, it was between 2 AM and 2:30 AM when I wake up and realize that he is not there. I am instantly pissed off. I could not even see straight...there was a rage inside of me that was so maddening that I was so angry, I jumped up put on some clothes. I jump in my van with the baseball bat and gun in my possession. I head to her house. I walk up to the door and start banging on the door with the bat. I start screaming like a crazy person, I am screaming at him at the top of my lungs. I am just going off on him and on her, begging and tormenting them to come out. Thank God they did not...the first person out that door would have been beaten to a pulp with that bat. I went to my van to get the gun and there was a touch on my shoulder as if someone was there – GO HOME AND STOP IT. I heard this and jump. I listen and get in my van and as I am pulling off from the curb, here comes the police.

As they stop the van...for the first time...I thought about my son...sleeping at home in his bed and I am here. I started praying – God do not let them send me to jail. They did not send me; they did not find the gun but saw the bat. Because there was no damage to her property and because he was my husband the police felt sorry for me and allowed me to go home. He tried to tell me that he pleaded with the police to not take me in, but he did not know that I could hear the police on their walkie-talkies and that they were threatening to arrest him for lying to them about who I was. I found out later by a cop in the area that Jonathan dad's girlfriend was known by the area police because of issues that have arise there and police were called on occasions.

When the police allowed me to leave, I have no idea how I drove home. All the pain I had felt came flying out of me...I drove off and I know I was not driving that van that night. God was driving! I get home and check on Jonathan. I call my sister but she did not answer her phone. I call my aunt and at this point, it is about 3 AM in the morning. I call her and she could not understand a word I was saying...you know when someone is crying so hard that you cannot understand him or her and then they get to the point that all they are doing is crying and cannot speak. I had started letting it all out. I was crying, crying, crying, and crying. I could not stop crying. I could not talk...I do remember telling her that I did not want to be here anymore, I did not want to live any more. I told her about what I did and I just kept crying. I cried for ½ hr straight. You have to understand, I am not a crier. I would be the person who just deals with it and move on. I cried for ½ hr. She was giving me ½ hr to calm down before she jumped in her van to come to my house to take me to the hospital. I was off the hook. I just cried. I started to calm down and talk to her. I was starting to feel a little better and let her go as I felt bad enough to have her up that late. I lay in the bed and started praying to God about my life and where it was. I cried more that night than I have every cried before in my life. I let it all out. I felt as if someone was holding me as I cried, I cannot explain it but the more I cried the better I felt and the stronger I felt. It was the beginning of the healing. I decided that day, which was December 30 that if he was not home by December 31 at 11:59 PM – I would let go and move on. I spent New Year's Eve with my sister, her hubby, and their friends. I was the only one without someone but the group was a lot of fun. I was just feeling so laid back and so relaxed. I was not still worshiping or loving the Lord as I do now but I was beginning to heal and beginning to walk closer to Him.

So with the beginning of the New Year, came an ending of the old and in with a new beginning. The last chapter in the book explains the ending and a new beginning. The next chapter is about my mother's influence on me that has helped shape me into the woman that I am today. It is necessary to see this aspect before continuing with my story. After that chapter is the words, that God has blessed me to write in different phrases of my growth in Him.

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 4

Mother's Influence

My Mother's Influence

My mom – so many times, I have referred to my mom in my writings. She was a woman that I never really understood until she was gone. It is funny how you never really appreciate what you have until it is gone from you. We need to be thankful for our parents regardless of how they are. You never know what they are going through. My mom was a battered wife, she was sexually abused as a child, and she was shifted from home to home until she was about school age. She remembered all of it. She was insecure and she had low self-esteem. I was scared to death of her, and yet I loved her so much. When I was growing up, she found out about what was going on with my step dad and what he was doing. Her own insecurities of being alone are what allowed her to allow this man to come back into our lives. She started a spiral downhill for her and me that she was not aware of at the time. I believe that she realized it too late, but she did try to change it later on in my life. I grew up scared of her and what she would do if I did not do what she said to do. My mom did not play when it came to discipline and we were to listen to what she said to do. My mom appeared to be a strong woman who had it all together. I did not know then that was a mask that she put forward. I did not know that she was so scared and so insecure inside. I was about 29 years old when I told her in an argument that my stepfather had molested me for years; this was after he had died. She was recovering from a nervous breakdown, for she lost my grandmothers within months of each other and my step father died and she had wished death on him a week before he died. She always told me that you needed to be careful of what you wish for because you just might get it.

Well, she was devastated with the news I handed her but she realized then why I rebelled so much and why I blamed her for my life. I went through a period of my life that I could not stand my mother or the sight of her. If she said it was blue, I would say it was green. If she told me to do it one-way, I did it another way. If she wanted to see me, I would say I was coming and never show up. I did not like her and I did not want to be around her. I started talking to a family relative about things in my life and getting it all out. I have to say that if it was not for her...I wonder what would have happened. I know that God placed her in my life for that very reason. I attended therapy sessions, but never met a therapist I was comfortable with. God blessed me to work the pain out by placing key people in my life to help. I believe He leads us all differently and it is important to know His direction for you. I had a deep dislike and love for my mom. I blamed her for my life, for why I was the way I was. I started to realize that she knew what was going on but ignored it. I remember how she would corner me and tell me that if something was going on with my step dad and me, that she would beat my butt just like the women in the street. I was 10 years old and hearing how my mom was going to beat me up over a man who was molesting me. I was walking around scared to breathe sometimes, but still striving to win her love. All I wanted was for her to be proud of me and to love me. I relished in the moments that she would pay some attention to me. My years as a teenager was more like we were best friends, she had just received newfound freedom and so did I. We were just doing what we wanted; acting like the hoochie mamas we wanted to be. She did not take notice of me until I told her that I might be pregnant. I was not but I was always thinking I was and finally told her that I was having sex. Not a good thing at all, as she wanted to confine me to a less active life, it was too late then for I was headed to college. I was still scared of her and pretty much for a while did whatever she wanted me to do until I started feeling my own freedom. I have to say that it was Jonathan's dad that broke me of that, my mom could not stand that. I was really in love with him, as much as I was capable of. He would put his foot down about her and me, so I would give into him. My mom had a hard time with that, and so did I. I became even more confused and distant in our relationship. At this time, we were either hot or cold. It was not healthy for either one of us. I always felt like I was in competition with my own mother. It just seemed like I never did anything right in her eyes.

My mom and I started to amend our relationship slowly over the last 5 years of her life and mind you, this was a very slow process. My mom had mental health issues, she was bi-polar and some other things. It would cause issues with us sometimes as she would get very paranoid about things and take things out on those close to her. She could not help it but sometimes it was hard to deal with. I resented her for not leaving him and keeping me in that environment. I had to learn that she was hurting too and that sometimes when we are hurting we do things that we do not truly understand. She wanted to be loved also and thought that was the best that she would ever have. It took me years to get past the fact that she did not do it on purpose but out of scared of being alone. It took years for me to understand that it was not about me, it was about her. It took me years to understand that my mom was human and she made mistakes. She had remarried and her husband had a drug problem. Oh the mess with that...I tell ya the things you do for family.

When she started, getting sick....she had hepatitis C, she was a diabetic, and she had lupus. I am grateful to God that at the time of her death all her children where at peace with her. She had a tendency to be mad at one of us all the time but this time, no one was in the "dog house". I am glad about that.

As I look back on her life and how the lack of communication on her parent's behalf caused her a lot of resentment in her. She was not aware of the reasoning of things that had happened in her life until after her mother passed away. Many things were revealed to her and I believe that if these "secrets" were not kept from her, that things might have been different for her too. I am not in any ways blaming my grandparents for their decisions, they believed that they were doing the best thing for her, but in turn, it just made things worse.

This situation has influenced me not to hide things from my son, to be open with him in what is going on with me. I am always very honest with him with the things that he asks me when he wants to know something. I keep it simple because he is still young, but give him enough to satisfy his question and his understanding of the situation.

I learned from my mom that we all have masks and we should not walk around with the masks and allow people to see the real us. It is not easy to do but I am trying to do this more and more every day. My mom was famous for not revealing all of herself or thoughts to one person. As I look back now and know what I know now, I see that I have followed that same pattern. I believe that is true of those that have been abused in some manner, because you do not feel that you can trust someone with all of your heart and thought, that one person cannot know all of you.

My mother and I have had similar issues in life and I am my mother's daughter in more ways than I care to admit to. I am thankful to God for my mother despite all the obstacles that have been presented in my life. See, as a mother now, I know that I will make mistakes, and I know that some how I am not going to do something right. I just know that because of my mom, I want to be the kind of mother who is there for my son no matter what. I want to be the one that he turns to for help and for him to know that I am there for him. I want to teach him to be independent and stand strong, and yet it is okay to cry when the pain hurts. I truly thank my mom for that.

Linda Jean - March 23, 1948 to November 16, 2005

Standing here before you, our hearts are sad and glad. Wednesday night was one of the hardest days of our lives. We had to say goodbye to our biggest supporter. She was our hero, our strength, our biggest and loudest cheerleader. Growing up we used to think our friends were weird because they thought our mom was cool. As we look back now, she was.

She was so cool, we were disciplined and grounded. She was so cool, we were chastised and reprimanded. She was so cool, we were made to share and be nice to our siblings. She was so cool, we had to write sentences and stand in the corner. She was so cool, she sent my sisters to "interrupt" my dates. She was so cool; we had to go to Sunday school. She was so cool; we could not stay up late.

She was so cool; we are not addicted to drugs. She was so cool, we are not in jail. She was so cool, we are strong and independent. She was so cool, we are polite and respectful. She was so cool; we will fight the world for each other. She was so cool; we can take care of ourselves and each other. She was so cool; we help who ever is in need. She is so cool; we were taught that our family is always important.

Because she was so cool, we can stand before the world with our heads held high, even when our hearts are hurting, knowing that our love for her and her love for us made us who we are today. Our mom will be missed by us, but because of her coolness, we are proud and glad to have had her as our mother.

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Part II

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Thoughts

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 5

Alissa Lynne's Truths - The Beginning

Alissa Lynne's Truths – The Beginning

Issues, Problems, Dilemmas, & Drama

I look at life situations in this manner: We have Issues, Problems, Dilemmas, and Drama. Here is how I see it:

Issues: Issues are the smallest, may need a few minutes of prayer, issues are easiest to hand over to God and forget. Issues can occur every few minutes as life is full of issues.

Problems: Problems are a bigger than issues, may take a few prayers before we truly hand over to God as they usually occur when we allow ourselves to handle a few of life issues on our own instead of turning it over to God when the issue first appears. A lot of problems, dilemmas, and drama are due to us not handing over our issues and problems as soon as they occur.

Dilemmas: Dilemmas are compounded problems, we usually ask others to pray with us or for us when these kinds of life situations occur. We should realize that even though we created these dilemmas mostly due to ourselves, sometimes it is life and sometimes it is we are reaping what we sowed, but we can still give it over to Jesus and let Him deal with it., if we do not do it at this point – HERE COMES

DRAMA: Drama is 100% on us; we will allow people and/or things to affect our very behavior, which will cause the drama in life. We did not turn the issues, problems or dilemmas completely over to Jesus before it became drama. Drama has people praying for us before we even ask for prayers. We have our mothers or family members consistently praying to God on our behalf. If you find yourself with DRAMA, stop what you are doing, fall to your knees and start to pray, do not get up until all the tears stop and you can think straight, then before getting up, praise Him and Thank Him for all His blessings. I had DRAMA in my life for almost a year – it was not until I woke up and smell the roses around me did I realize what was truly going on

We have to make sure that we are in constant prayer and praise with God. We can avoid life's issues, problems, dilemmas, and DRAMA by walking closely with Jesus and trusting God in all things that comes our way. God will bless us and direct our ways if we let Go and Let God!!

**I Thessalonians 5:14-24**

_Now we exhort you, brethren, warn them that are unruly, comfort the feebleminded, support the weak, be patient toward all men. See that none render evil for evil unto any man; but ever follow that which is good, both among yourselves, and to all men. Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. Quench not the Spirit. Despise not prophesyings. Prove all things; hold fast that which is good. Abstain from all appearance of evil. And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is he that calleth you, who also will do it._

I am thankful to God for my recovery. I was a victim of many different types of abuse...physical, sexual, emotional, and mental. I thank God for bringing me through each one. I thank God for His guidance when I had no idea who He was. I thank God for allowing me to recover with my mind in tact, with my heart still loving and with my body still functioning.

I am thankful to God for allowing me to forgive those that hurt me: My mother, my step father, my two ex-husbands, my ex boyfriends, and myself. I am thankful to God for showing me that it is not just those that hurt me that I have to forgive but I had to forgive myself for all that I was putting myself through.

I am thankful to God for giving me the strength to stand up and walk even when I did not want to go on, I am thankful to God that I am still in the land of the living that I did not kill myself when I wanted to. I am thankful to God for speaking to me and letting me know that I am blessed and highly favored

I am thankful to God for being with me every single day of my life and protecting me even when I thought I was not being protected. I am blessed and God has been with me through all my pain.

I am thankful to God for leading me the way that He is leading me. He has blessed me to be able to encourage others in their walk in recovering and healing from the pain of abuse.

I am thankful to God for His grace and mercy for I am still alive. So many who have been abused are no longer here walking the earth either because of their abusers or by their own hands.

I am thankful to God for all that He has done for me. Praise God for all the mercy and grace of my life!

It does not matter who you are, you could be a woman who all think should be on top of the world and be crying yourself to sleep at night. It is funny how others and sometimes what we let others perceive of us, we need to rid ourselves of the masks we wear and allow the Lord to shine through us.

Ever since I was a young child, I was open to all that came my way. I would talk your ear off, but I was not talking about much. As I grew into my adult hood, I was still doing the same thing. I was letting people in only so far, no one went past a certain point of trust. I was married to a man that had no idea who I was because I did not trust him enough to let him in. I am a slow mover in this area. I had trusted him with my abuse as a child that WAS NOT DISCUSSED IN OUR FAMILY and he did not keep it to himself. It causes some issues in my family, so I stopped trusting him. I have to thank him this day for doing it, my siblings did not know and now they do. I was able to talk about it freely to them and then I truly started to heal. I grew up distant from them always the bossy big sister. I am still the bossy big sister, but now I am the big sister who will do whatever she can for them.

Since I have been so open about my life by posting it on the internet for all to see, many in my family question it. I respect that and admire that in them, to a point. I have been keeping things inside of me MY ENTIRE LIFE! I have decided to let it all go and in doing so, I have become so free and it feels so good.

God came into my life and my talk has changed from woes me to PRAISE THE LORD. I have gone from babbling about me to babbling about the Lord. I love talking about the Lord, I do and can talk about other things but it all relates back to Jesus.

So for me, opening up is my way of reaching out to my fellow sisters and encouraging them to keep moving in the Lord, keep striving to walk as He wills for us to do. I am doing this because of my love of the Lord and because God is a moving force in my life.

I am not here to glorify me but to glorify the Lord. I know that there are women out there with a bunch of stories that are just so full of encouragement but they are afraid of speaking because of what others will say. Well my sister, I am here today to say, SPEAK!

First, if you release it, it will heal you, it will bring you closer to God.

If you speak it, then you will help someone else who is in your shoes.

If you live it, you will encourage another sister to keep on.

This is what we are about, the work of the Lord. God is with you and I know that if you speak up, a sister will be blessed and able to keep walking.

Just remember we are here to encourage each other and draw men unto the Lord with the Light that He has placed in us.

SPEAK UP AND SHARE!!!

First please understand this, before Jesus, I was the stereotype of a strong, independent black sista, who needed no man not only do anything for her, but did not need him telling her what to do. I was going to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it and made sure that every man I knew understood this. For women, who are still in this stage, my sisters I urge you to pray and seek God's guidance to change, try starting with I Corinthians 6 & 7 and Ephesians 5. Please read all of the chapters and please do some studying and research – keep your heart open and please allow yourself to hear what God is saying to you. The way I used to think was so out of line with the Lord's will, and I suffered much because of it.

I take joy in the fact that I am a child of God and a woman. I have chosen to wear dresses and skirts, to no longer wear jeans/pants. I know some people think this does not apply to today, but I have to say that I used to think that too until I asked God and asked Him if it was for me to wear dresses/skirts only, that I be convicted in my heart. Whenever I question anything anyone says, I ask God for conviction in my heart and to show me it in the word. Every time I sincerely seek to do His will, and seek His guidance with an open heart and wanting the truth, He reveals himself.

_Deuteronomy 22:5_ _The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God._

Well after reading that and then doing some studying, my heart was changed, but what really convicted me was wearing the dresses and skirts, my whole demeanor has changed in how I carry myself physically and mentally. I pay more attention to my appearance, and how I present myself, even the manner in which I speak to others has changed. I look at those that are still wearing the short skirts and the revealing tops, the thing that gets me is some will complain that men are staring at their chest or the behinds, well to be honest if it is out there for all to see, men are going to look. If you want them to see you for who you are, then cover it up.

We are all-human and have the nature to have lust in us, well do not present yourself in that manner and they will stop. There are women on line who have all kinds of pictures of themselves pretty much booty naked and wonder why the weirdoes are approaching them. Humm could it be that you feel sexy, well to be honest if you are secure in yourself, you can feel sexy no matter what you have on, including dresses that are modest in appearance. I know for me when I would wear revealing clothes it was for the attention and I did not care whose man was looking at me or paying attention to me, or why he was doing it. He was doing it not because I am a good person inside; he was doing it because I was showing what I had. He liked what he saw and he wanted what he saw, and my dumb butt sometimes gave him what he saw.

I had low self esteem of myself and when you have that, there will be some things that are done that are not in line with God. I feel more like a lady in a dress and to be honest, nicer men approach me now; I still do not want to date them but at least they come at me from a different angle, almost respecting me more. Any woman that feels that I am off my rockers, do this, sincerely ask God to show you and convict your heart about dressing for the Lord and you will see that He will show you. Please listen to what God says to you and where He directs you, open your heart, and mind to accept what He is saying to you. You have to understand that everything we do is for the Lord, so yes I am dressing for the Lord, showing my respect for whom I am and whose child I am. I feel better about my relationship and myself with the Lord.

I take joy in the fact that I am a woman who can be submissive to her future husband. I have not only learned from my prior mistakes with my ex husband, but the Lord has revealed so much about being a submissive woman, not only to my future husband, but most important submissive to God too.

I think that we women take the submission part the wrong way, there is nothing wrong with being submissive to our husbands, our husbands are the head and we are the help meet, we should be there supporting our husbands and being there for them. I believe any good woman does this; any woman who truly loves the Lord does not have a problem with this because this is what God has told us to do. Now, mind you, if we are living our lives as God would have it, our husbands are saved and following God, if we are saved and our husbands are not, pray for God to save your husband and show by example how wonderful God is. Just as we witness to others, we should witness to our husbands.

I take joy in the fact that I can witness to someone who hurt me. Mind you, if you have read my life story, there was a lot of pain in my life, but when you love someone with all your heart and they take your heart and they continually rip it to pieces and you still hold on in hopes of restoration of the situation that is so painful. I am thankful that the Lord has given me the courage to step out away from that relationship and that He has given me peace with it and has shown me the way to forgive him. I shall never forget, but I do forgive which allows me to witness to him and I pray every day for his sake he is changed and turns his life over to Jesus, for my fear is that he will continue on the path he is on and not only end up dead, but end up having eternal death. As a Christian, we should never wish that on anyone, and our souls should cry over those that are lost.

I take joy in the fact that I have not had a cigarette since May 1, 2006. It is still a struggle sometimes, but God has all the glory for I have not had one since. My body is a temple and I am to treat it accordingly. I will not smoke again as long as God is the head of my life. For me to pick up a cigarette now means that He is not the head of my life and He is very much the head of my life. PRAISE GOD!

I take joy in the fact that I have self-esteem and respect for myself. I have been through so much, God has brought me through it, and He has blessed me so much. God has shown me that all I need is Jesus, I do not need anyone to justify who I am as a woman, that I do not need a man to make me happy in life. I need Jesus to be happy in life. Do not misunderstand me, He has shown me that a man is not to be the center of my life that Jesus is to be the center of my life. If I am to marry again, I am to understand that before my husband, God is to come first, after that all things in its proper place.

I take joy in the fact that I am raising my son with the Lord in our lives. I want my son to have the foundation in the Lord so if he ever strays from it; he knows the Father to find his way back to Him.

I take joy in the fact that I can praise Him even when I am down, in pain, or stressed. I need to praise God when I am down; it is the only way I can get back up. I praise God that I know this, that He has instilled in my heart to be a Prayer and Praise Warrior. I love praising God for I always feel better. I get goose bumps all over me when I do; it just feels good praising the Lord.

As Christians, dating should not be taken lightly; dating is for someone who is believed to be your future spouse. So do I have friends who are men, yes I do, we talk and it is nice to talk to them, we talk about the Lord and the good of the Lord, and whatnot. I like to keep the conversation at that level because that tells me a lot about where the man is coming from. I have met several men and to be honest, God is really good to me, He comes out and tells me what is up with that, I asked for that and God makes it really clear. He convicted my heart about dating and when I was not listening to that aspect, He made sure I could not stand the guy, that the guy worked my last nerve. I will say this, when you talk to someone and they work your last nerve, you will leave them alone. Some of the men said they were Christian men but have not stepped in a church in over a year. Well that was a no-no there, but hey, I need friends who are Christians, then when you start hearing how they are sleeping with this and that, I knew then it was time to cut that off. One of them told me that I was not a Christian and may God have mercy on my soul. I had to laugh and thought to myself, may God have mercy on my soul for trying to deal with you in the first place. (Oops being a bad girl now – forgive me)

I take joy in the fact that He has shown me that I do not have to give into the lust of my body. I PRAISE GOD TOTALLY FOR THE CONVICTION of my body and how special my body is. I praise God for I could be out there being an almost 40 year old "hoochie mama", looking for love in all the wrong places.

I take joy in the fact that He has shown me that in Him there is no such thing as "casual" dating. I cannot kid myself here. Dating causally is wrong for me – I am not to be out there scooping for my next husband that should not be my goal. I am to wait on the Lord to do it for me. So dating all these different men is nuts. I have a friend who told me once, that he meets women and he knows after a few conversations if they are for him or not. I have asked God to give me that kind of knowledge, being a Christian woman. Men tend to come after you because they know you are a Christian woman; they know when you are serious about it and when you are not. If you are a Christian woman, some men will just come at you because they figure you are a woman who takes pride in herself and will respect him too. I have made a decision to not date any man that God has not told me to do so.

God is good to me and there is no way anyone is going to be with me in that manner unless he is my husband. I know that will weed out many men. I am pleased about this, for when you have been married for a while, that is kind of your "normal" routine and to walk away from that and not have it anymore is very hard. God is good and all praises go to Him. (I am sorry if the frankness of this subject is too much for some – but I have to keep it real. I am not ashamed of who I am and whom I represent or any aspect of my life that He has delivered me from!)

I have to say that God is just wonderful and He is still working on me every day. I am joyful that He works on me every day and every day He is with me directing my life and where I am headed in life. I praise Him for I know that no matter where I am headed, it is all good!

I know that if I do this:

_Proverbs 3:5-6_

__**5** _Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding._ **6** _In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths._

That this will be too:

_Romans 8:28_

_And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose._

The Truth of Alissa Lynne
Chapter 6

Alissa Lynne's Truth – Self Esteem

What are you worth?

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

As a human being, trying to do those verses is sometimes the hardest thing to do. It is a daily struggle for me. It is hard but God will show you how, when you do, what wonders He will do for you, for we let go and let God work in our lives. I am thankful that I know my faults and growing in Christ I am able to recognize the faults and be able to take them to God and ask Him to mold me in the way that He wants me to be.

I thank God for giving me the strength to look in the mirror and see the "real" Alissa every morning. I am thankful to God that when I look in the mirror every morning that I actual like the woman staring back at me, I see a woman that is kind, caring, loving, compassionate, passionate, sweet, and gentle. I see a beautiful woman who needs to do her hair more often and stop being lazy. I used to look in the mirror and see nothing but negative and never knew what I was worth. I thank God for coming into my life for I look in the mirror and see a blessed and truly happy woman staring back at me. I am not saying that all my days are perfect; I still have trust issues with those around me and thank God for molding me to change.

I know that there are many of us out there, whom due to the things that have gone on in our lives; do not trust those around us. We have to turn that all over to Jesus and though it may sound easy – it is not that easy but it is oh so worth it when we do. God will take you to that next level and things that were hard before are no longer hard and there are new challenges and things facing you that you have been given in life. I look at the new challenges as a place where I get to learn more about Jesus. I thank God for even though there are days that nothing seems to go right in my mind – God will keep me sane. See, I was at the point in my life when I was looking in the mirror and hating the woman I saw there. I saw nothing good in her and saw nothing that I liked in the slightest way. I thought I was worthless that I was of no value or concern to anyone – including my family. I felt that I could not help anyone let alone help myself. I did not see a reason for living or giving anyone any of my love – what was love to me then – love was nothing but a word that held no meaning. I was so lost in the world and so far from God – but God saw fit to bless me to hear and understand His calling on my life, God saw someone worth it, someone who needed His love and who needed to love and to understand love.

So as the question was posed – what are you worth?

I am a beautiful child of God who struggles every day with walking the straight and narrow path of Christ, but I know that God is with me and I know that God will keep me and I know that God will send encouragement when needed. God will use me to encourage others when needed – which in turn strengthens me. I praise God for He is so good to me and I am thankful to God for He sees me worthy of His love – so yes, I am worth it and yes, I will continue to praise God always. I am a child of the King, I am a follower of Christ and I am worth it – we must believe that we are blessed and highly favored and I thank God for showing me that I am worth more than I ever thought I was. I can stand tall and know that no matter what comes my way – God is with me always and to know that everything works out for my good for that is in His word. (Romans 8:28)

Philippians 4:4:13 Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you. But I rejoiced in the Lord greatly, that now at the last your care of me hath flourished again; wherein ye were also careful, but ye lacked opportunity. Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Romans 8:28-32 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren. Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also called: and whom he called, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things?

So many people are in excellent shape physically because they regularly work out at the gym, working those muscles and building their bodies. We are to work out our spiritual muscles by working out our faith, by trusting in the Lord and having faith that He will do what is necessary for us to make it through the day. I have started to love working out my faith. I know that God is awesome and He has done so many awesome things in my life already that I know that God is with me and that all I have to do is sit back and wait upon the Lord!!! I am exercising my faith and my relationship with the Lord is strengthening – I love it for that makes each circumstance that comes at me just a little easier to deal with!!! Praise God!

There are times that we actually want to wallow in the self-pity, or the pain, or the anger – that is the enemy trying to block your blessings of receiving more faith, trust and love for Jesus. We have to remember that despite all things – the enemy is always trying to defeat us in the good that God is giving us. We have to remember that God is with us and will always be with us and that we should praise Him always for all things big and small for that will bring us closer to Him and it will lessen our pain and our hurt!

I say all this to my sisters because so many times we cry out to the Lord that we want someone to hold us and to love us. Well God will do so in His own time and I believe that He will when we stop focusing on the man and focus on our relationship with the Lord. Let God pick the man for you and let the Lord give you what you need as when He does He will give you some – if not all your wants. If God would not have had my sweetie and I met the way we did – I am not sure I would have talked to him for he was not my "type" I am 5ft 7 in – he is 5ft 4in – that would have disqualified him right there. He loves the Lord and he treats me the way a woman should be treated and I pray that I will always be blessed with him and if it is God's will, I will be!

My sisters – trust in the Lord and Let go/Let God – concentrate on getting you ready to be a wife to the right man. It is not easy and it is not going to be a bed of roses but as long as God has blessed it – it will be right. You may not be getting the man of your dreams because you are not ready for the man of your dreams. You may not really be committed to the Lord, as you should be. There was a story that I read somewhere – I think it was in one of my groups. There was a man who was praying for a wife and he prayed to God and had a long list of good qualities such as nice, kind, understanding, patience and loving...well the man was waiting and waiting – so he asked God why did the woman not come. God told him why would God send him a woman who was kind, when he was mean, understanding, patience and loving when he was not those things – that he needed to work on himself before God would bless him with the woman he was requesting. I believe that to the core – we have to be what we want – we cannot ask for the best when we are not willing to be the best! Hold out my sisters – work on you and your relationship with the Lord and watch the blessings flow and one of them might be that man you want. However, if it is not the case guess what? Your relationship will be stronger in the Lord and you will understand why it is not that way.

As my relationship with God is growing more each day, I am amazed at the love that I feel inside of me that I know is God loving me and caring for me. I have never felt this kind of love before in my life. We were commanded to love God with all we have.

**Matthew 22:36-38**

_King James Version_

_Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment_.

_New International Version_

_Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment."_

_Young's Literal Translation_

_Teacher, which [is] the great command in the Law?' And Jesus said to him, `Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thine understanding -- this is a first and great command;_

When I look at my life, I see things that I never noticed before. I am the way I am because of life experiences, I am learning to love myself, love God, and to love others as God would have me to do. He wants us to love each other as He loves us. It is not as easy as it sounds; we have to love the drunk, the drug addict, the prostitute, our family, and our enemies, those that despise us, those that say they love us and do not. We have to love every one – those that are out to hurt us. I am so glad that God has laid that on my heart, as I think that the key of starting to love all these people is to love ourselves and let God love us and feel His love for us. As we start to feel the love of Christ in our lives, we cannot help but love each other. We cannot help but love everyone we meet. God wants us to just love each other as He loves us. People ask what is wrong with the world today, well Satan is real, but so is God – we need to stand and trust God and love. The key to me is the love, all about the love. We have to let the love fill us up and just let it flow from our hearts, from our minds, from our mouths and just love one another. I just cannot express this enough, we must love each other, there is no time to hate, and there is not time to hold onto past feelings. God does not stop loving us because of our past, He wipes the slate clean and each time, He loves us unconditionally, He wants us to love each other in the same manner.

So many times, I have come across people who do not know their worth. They do not know how special they truly are. I am one of those people who can see the good even in the bad of people. I married two men because I could do that, yes a great trait that can be self destructive if you do not listen to God and not marry whom He tells you to marry.

I have been blessed to come out of the kind of past that I had and love the woman I see in the mirror but so many have been through so much pain, look in the mirror, and cannot stand that person. They look in the mirror and wonder what others see. I have come across many bitter people, who are still hurting. If you are walking through life and people are saying that you are hard, stern or even tell you that you are mean, it could be that you are holding onto pain and hurt still. I was one of those people.

JESUS is the only way to get rid of that pain, that searing pain in your very being that is affecting your every day life. You cannot stay in a relationship, you do not get along with people, or you just keep to yourself. Jesus is the only way to end that cycle. You have to let go and let God work on your heart.

I look in the mirror and see my worth – for I am worthy due to the blood that was shed for me on Calvary! I thank God for when He looks upon me, He sees that blood and not me!

I am worthy because of the love that He has for me and the love He has bestowed upon me. I am worthy because He said I am!

If you are suffering from pain and hurt, know that you do not have to go that route; Jesus can heal your very soul and pain. Trust in the Lord and He shall never leave you.

We are all in this together – you are worthy – you are worthy – you are worthy!

It is not easy, there are times that I have not let it go and I lash out in pain at those around me. I thank God for giving me a man who understands that. I love him but I am human and sometimes he says things that just work my last nerve. Why is it that he is working my nerves? It is because not all the love is manifested in my heart at that time. I have to wake up every morning fighting the enemy so that it does not take over my heart that day. I wake up in the morning praying to God, reading His word, listening to gospel music all the time. I go to work listening to my gospel music, come into work and listen to my sermons and gospel music all day. Hummm but even then I am fighting for all it takes is 1 minute away from that and the enemy attacks, sometimes it gets the best of me for a minute and some times I run so fast away from it that it does not even have a chance to catch me for days. I am thanking God that I still wake up every morning fighting that enemy off and putting on the full amour of God. I am thanking God that sometimes it may be hard but God is with me. I thank God that I know what I am worth. I am a child of the King and I shall be given hinds feet and lifted up away from my enemies.

I love my life because despite all the trials and tribulations that I go through, all it does is bring me closer to Jesus.

I love my life because I am walking in the light of the Lord and I will praise Him always for He continues to bring me through the darkness!

I love my life for I am a mother of a beautiful son, who is the cutest son on the planet earth. God has blessed me with a child who when he smiles he lights up not just my heart but also all those around him. He is truly a blessing from God.

I love my life for I am a sister to not just my siblings but to all I meet. I treat all those I meet as my family for in my heart they are.

I love my life for I am a survivor and conquer of the things that have happened in my life, God has blessed me even when I did not know Him as I know Him now.

I love my life for as I look at all that I have, I realize that I have an abundance of love in my life, and without love I would be nothing.

I love my life for I have a job, I have a car, and I have the things that I need to get through life with a little more ease. There are people who are jobless and without a car and would love to trade places with me.

I love my life for I have the use of my body, sure it aches and it hurts from time to time but I am blessed to be able to walk most time, I am blessed to be able to do what I need to do, I may do it a little slower but God is blessing me to continue on in His name and do what I need to do to provide for my family.

I love my life for I am blessed and I am highly favored. I am truly a child of the Lord and I am able to call on Him whenever I want to call on Him and He will hear my prayer

I love my life for God is in charge of my life and has made all the things that I love in my life and about my life possible.

W hat do you love about your life? Are you thankful for where you are in your life right now? Do you know that God is here for us and that we should be thankful every single day of our lives and not change the way we think because the season of the year changes? We should be children of God all the time and bless those around us with the word of God and the love of God inside of us. May you accept God's blessing for you and be thankful that He is with us every day and show Him that you are thankful for His love. God Bless! I love you all!

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 7

Alissa Lynne's Truths – Faith/Trust

**Why I have Faith in Jesus**

**Matthew 17:14-21** And when they were come to the multitude, there came to him a certain man, kneeling down to him, and saying, Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water. And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him. Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me. And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour. Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast him out? And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.

**Romans 1:17-18** _For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith. For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who hold the truth in unrighteousness;_

**Romans 12:1-3** I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.

When we have faith in the Lord to do things for us, we do not have to worry about a thing. If we have faith that Jesus knows what is to be done, we do not have to think about anything. I love James 1:2-4 because through all things God is working. We have so much that we are blessed with. We just have to have the faith that God is with us even when it appears that God is not with us. God will never leave nor forsake us. There are times when we are going through things, whether illness, marital problems, financial issues that we fall prey to those around us giving us "advice" about our situation and not giving us the word of God. Faith is what keeps us – faith in the Lord and to trust Jesus to bring us through. God has never let us down, but we have let ourselves down by not following through with our faith.

II Corinthians 5:1-8 For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven: If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked. For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life. Now he that hath wrought us for the selfsame thing is God, who also hath given unto us the earnest of the Spirit. Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord: (For we walk by faith, not by sight :) We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord

**Proverbs 3:5-6** **Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.**.

**Philippians 4:4-7** **Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.**

**Philippians 4:13** **I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.**

**Isaiah 54:17** **No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.**

If we just trust God, move according to His direction, and have faith that He is in control, we will not need to hear "breakthrough" messages or prosperity speeches, as we will already be in a "breakthrough" or prosperity phase of our lives. We will be able to pass on our experiences with others and let them know that it is faith, trust and having a relationship with the Lord that brings our breakthroughs and prosperity. Trust and faith go hand in hand. We have to trust God to bring us through and we have to have faith that He will. Each time we are faced with something, it is God who is bringing us through it – so stand tall and know that even little bit of faith can move mountains, so I know that I shall continue to have faith as the faith moves my mountains out of my life and brings me much joy in Jesus!

A Time for Everything – Everything in Its Time

**Ecclesiastes 3:1-8** _"To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to throw away; A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."_

I love how it covers so many aspects of life. There is a time for all things and God controls it all. I believe if we allow Him to take over and control when things happen to us and for us, the smoother our life is. I noticed each verse represented the "up and down" side of each situation. If we allow God to lead us in our lives then we will have a comfort during the "down" side. The good and bad will come, as this is life. If you are a Christian and never have trials and tribulations come your way, and you are still alive walking this earth, then you had better start to panic, as something is seriously wrong with your life. Jesus tells us we will have trials and tribulations – He did when he walked this earth and we are surely nowhere near close to Him as He is perfect. The beautiful part of that is with Jesus, He will never give us more than we can handle and as long as we turn it over to Him, we will have peace even with the world raging all around us. Not only will He only allow what we can handle at one time, He will handle what He gives us, all we have to do is ask Him. How wonderful is that!! God is so good to us. We just have to trust God to take care of us 100%! We all need to Let go and Let God – please pray for me that I - **Let Go, Let God, Let Jesus, and Let Love!!!!**

Do you have the faith to trust God in all things? Do you have the faith and trust that God will do what is necessary for your life? Do you have trust that God is with you regardless of what you are going through? It took a long time for me to understand that faith and trust go hand in hand. I cannot have faith in God if I do not trust God. How seriously do you take Proverbs 3:5-6 and do you check out the verses before that and after that?

Proverbs 3

1 My son, forget not my law; but let thine heart keep my commandments: 2 For length of days, and long life, and peace, shall they add to thee. 3 Let not mercy and truth forsake thee: bind them about thy neck; write them upon the table of thine heart: 4 So shalt thou find favour and good understanding in the sight of God and man. 5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. 7 Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil. 8 It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones. 9 Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase: 10 So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine. 11 My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction: 12 For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. 13 Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding. 14 For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold. 15 She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her. 16 Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour. 17 Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. 18 She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her. 19 The LORD by wisdom hath founded the earth; by understanding hath he established the heavens. 20 By his knowledge the depths are broken up, and the clouds drop down the dew. 21 My son, let not them depart from thine eyes: keep sound wisdom and discretion: 22 So shall they be life unto thy soul, and grace to thy neck. 23 Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble. 24 When thou liest down, thou shalt not be afraid: yea, thou shalt lie down, and thy sleep shall be sweet. 25 Be not afraid of sudden fear, neither of the desolation of the wicked, when it cometh. 26 For the LORD shall be thy confidence, and shall keep thy foot from being taken. 27 Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it. 28 Say not unto thy neighbour, Go, and come again, and to morrow I will give; when thou hast it by thee. 29 Devise not evil against thy neighbour, seeing he dwelleth securely by thee. 30 Strive not with a man without cause, if he have done thee no harm. 31 Envy thou not the oppressor, and choose none of his ways. 32 For the froward is abomination to the LORD: but his secret is with the righteous. 33 The curse of the LORD is in the house of the wicked: but he blesseth the habitation of the just. 34 Surely he scorneth the scorners: but he giveth grace unto the lowly. 35 The wise shall inherit glory: but shame shall be the promotion of fools.

God is good and He is with us to lead us in the right manner, we are just to trust Him. I was watching a movie with my son, the movie was about Gideon, and there was a scene with Gideon and the angel. Gideon asked the angel did he have a problem trusting God, the angel said that he did not have a problem trusting or believing God for he sees God all the time. The angel said as humans we trust God and have never have beheld Him with our own eyes. What a blessing!

I know God exists not just for the things that I can see but also because of the things that I can feel. I can feel His presences around me. When I am upset and cannot think straight, I have felt a peace come over me that is so hard to explain, to me that is the love of Jesus, He is wrapping His arms around me and comforting me. I have felt the love of God on my life, my entire life. His very words in the Bible speak to my heart, sometimes it is through another person whom I know was sent from God. I have on some occasions wonder if the person who was just in my presence was an angel or God himself because of their very being.

I know that God uses people to show love and to help instill more faith and trust in Him.

Matthew 17:20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

My son and I was watching another kid movie and as I watched the parting of the Red Sea scene, I wondered if I would have crossed the sea with them. Is my faith strong enough to trust God that much but as I think about it, the Israelites faced so many issues that they brought upon themselves due to their lack of faith, just as we do this very day. They lived through the plaques that God placed on Egypt for their sake, they crossed the Red Sea and saw the wonders of God but yet, and still they started worshiping other gods.

**Having Faith**

**Matthew 21:18-22** Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he hungered. And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered away. And when the disciples saw it, they marvelled, saying, How soon is the fig tree withered away! Jesus answered and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, If ye have faith, and doubt not, ye shall not only do this which is done to the fig tree, but also if ye shall say unto this mountain, Be thou removed, and be thou cast into the sea; it shall be done. And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.

We are creatures of habit and some habits are hard to break....

Keeping things in perspective...completely understand what is going on around us...run the whole situation from start to finish and then worry if it is going to turn out right...taking over every single aspect of our lives and always in turmoil in what is going on...concerned if things are going to work out just perfectly...worry about if things are going to be done...and etc.

We do all these things and needlessly – we have Jesus to do all that for us. God takes all that from us. When I actually stop and listen to what Jesus has to say, wait on Him and truly let Him handle things, there is peace in my heart, there is joy in my heart, and there is love in my heart. People around me are amazed when I tell them what I am going through personally at that time, and say wow – and you are calm. It gives me a chance to witness to them about how good God is. In keeping faith in Him and trusting God to do it all for me...I walk around happier and calm – so when I say well you know this is going on and this is going on...people see the calmness and start to question. It is through our faith and trusting God that we can stand and wait on God to take care of all things for us...not just a few things...but all things. I praise God for all that He is doing in my life and though I have moments – hours – a day of weakness \- I do not permit myself to be depressed/angry for more than 24 hours – I know praising God is my way out. I have called off work and just praise God all day because I was feeling really down and God does not deserve me not praising Him. I will do whatever it takes to praise God and give Him all the glory. He has done so much for me that there is no going back. God is so worthy of all our praises. We have to have faith and believe that He is truly who He is. You have to have trust and faith. I am always saying...Let Go... Let God... Let Love. You have to have faith to do that. I have faith to trust the Lord and let Him lead my life....do you??? I dare you to try Him...to really try Jesus. I have had a few people say to me...I am so excited for you and you are so uplifting, and you are so blessed...you have your sweetie and you really deserve this...My question to all that say that to me...WHAT MAKES YOU ANY DIFFERENT THAN ME?? NOTHING...YOU ARE JUST AS BLESSED AS I AM. I can only see one difference, do you give God all of you...do you trust Him completely? We all fall short in some place or another...I fall short in so many places, but Jesus loves me for me – no one else loves me as He does. He already knows who we are...He knows us better than we know ourselves. I dare you to take the junk that is in your mind and turning over the thoughts in your mind to things of Jesus...you are sitting at your computer reading this...hummm think about Jesus...raise your hands...close your eyes and just start thanking Him for the things He has done for you. If you say that you have nothing to be thankful for...then you must be dead. We are blessed in so many ways...think about your life and where you were and how you are so blessed to be where you are today. It might be a little hard right now...but there was a time when things were not so hard, there was a time when things were so smooth, that was God allowing you to have a beautiful peaceful season. God is good and He does not have it rain on us always...we do get sunshine and we get rain. We just have to remember to take the umbrella with us when it is raining. Jesus is our umbrella. Take Jesus with you wherever you go for we never know when it is going to rain...God Bless and know that we are all blessed and highly favored!!!!

Faith and Me

II Corinthians 5:1-8 For we know that if our earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, we have a building of God, an house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this we groan, earnestly desiring to be clothed upon with our house which is from heaven: If so be that being clothed we shall not be found naked. For we that are in this tabernacle do groan, being burdened: not for that we would be unclothed, but clothed upon, that mortality might be swallowed up of life. Now he that hath wrought us for the selfsame thing is God, who also hath given unto us the earnest of the Spirit. Therefore we are always confident, knowing that, whilst we are at home in the body, we are absent from the Lord: (For we walk by faith, not by sight:) We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.

Faith - the more you speak it and do it the easier it is...standing on Faith...that is what it is all about. People mistake faith as something that is so hard to achieve...believe it in your heart and it is yours. I am standing on God's word that I can have my hearts desires and I am standing on the fact that God wants me to have it too. I have faith in His words and I trust Him...do I have days that I fall short...HECKS YEAH!!! My family see it, but even with dealing with them...when I realize that I am doing that...I speak the positive...one thing that made it a little easier for me is remembering these scriptures....

**Genesis 1:3** **And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.**

What that means to me is God has the power to speak things into existence...since He speaks things into existence...I can too. For example...if you sit around the house feeling sorry for yourself or saying nothing but negative things, then you are going to feel negative...if you put your feelings aside and praise God for what is going on in your life, thanking Him for His mercy and grace...saying positive things...your whole mood and whole outlook at that time changes.

**Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.**

I trust God to lead and direct my steps and not doing it myself...it is not always easy, but when I do let Him do this...I have peace and joy in my heart!!!! When God is in charge...there is nothing to worry about...our best interests is at the center of Him.

**Philippians 4:4-7 Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.**

Rejoice!!!!!! Rejoice!!!!!! Be thankful!!!!!

**Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.**

There is nothing that can not be handled if you trust Jesus in your ever step and know that you can do anything!!!

**Isaiah 54:17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.**

No matter what life tries to give you or throw at you – nothing formed against you will prosper...NOTHING. So even your own negative thoughts will not prosper against you...trust God and praise the Lord.

**Romans 8:** 28 **And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.**

Even when we do not understand something and even when it looks like it is so dark and every thing around us is negative, God will work it out for it to be positive for us.

**Romans 8:** 31 **What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us?**

God has our back, God has our front, God has our left side, God has our right side....God has everything covered for us...to whom are we to fear – what are we to fear...nothing can come against us and work against us!!!!

I trust God and His word and that is what gets me through!!!! I have learned to say Hallelujah anyhow when I am going through something. If you speak it, it will be – whether it is negative or positive, that is why when you get down on yourself; you have to realize that you are hurting yourself and your outlook on life. Trust me, I do the same thing and I have someone reminding me and I pass it along too so that we are all lifted up in Jesus. I love you all and there is no way I am going to heaven and at least do not try to give you encouraging words to go with me. We have to be determined no matter what comes up against us in this life - we need the determination that we do not have to go through the bad times without comfort and peace. God will give it to you and you just have to ask for it and believe it AND SPEAK IT. The more you speak it the easier it gets...your mood improves. I wake up every morning praising God and thanking Him...on the days that I do that and not just jump out of the bed...I am good to go. On the days that I do not...I do not feel well or I am sluggish all day or I am just out of sorts. I am here to make a promise to you...if you try it and give it your whole heart doing it...you will see that you will start to feel so much better. Trust Him.

1Timothy 6:1-10  1 Let as many servants as are under the yoke count their own masters worthy of all honour, that the name of God and his doctrine be not blasphemed. 2 And they that have believing masters, let them not despise them, because they are brethren; but rather do them service, because they are faithful and beloved, partakers of the benefit. These things teach and exhort. 3 If any man teach otherwise, and consent not to wholesome words, even the words of our Lord Jesus Christ, and to the doctrine which is according to godliness; 4 He is proud, knowing nothing, but doting about questions and strifes of words, whereof cometh envy, strife, railings, evil surmisings, 5 Perverse disputings of men of corrupt minds, and destitute of the truth, supposing that gain is godliness: from such withdraw thyself. 6 But godliness with contentment is great gain. 7 For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. 8 And having food and raiment let us be therewith content. 9 But they that will be rich fall into temptation and a snare, and into many foolish and hurtful lusts, which drown men in destruction and perdition.10 For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows.

I have a habit of saying, "if I can make it to payday, things will be better" or "things would be so much better if I have this or that." We forget to be content in our lives with what we have. We are always looking to the future for things to be better, not that they will not be better, but we lose focus on today – living for Christ today. We should be happy and content with what we have presently, just because it is not a new blessing does not mean that it should not be appreciated. None of us are promised tomorrow, but we live our lives for tomorrow, or we are living our lives in the past. I have a habit of planning things out, my sister teases me because I am not spontaneous, and if it is not in my plan for the day, it is not being done. I am learning to be more spontaneous through Jesus. I am beginning to understand that I need to live for Him today, not tomorrow, not next week, but today. I need to leave the future in His hands. I am not saying that I am not going to save money or things like that, but I am not going to look down the road and wonder where my life is going to be in 5 years. I am not going to worry about what the future holds, as I have Jesus and He is my way maker, my all in all. He holds my future in His hands and all I have to do is have faith in Him and let it go. I love God and He loves me and I need to stop holding onto my life as I do and let Him direct me in the manner that I am to go. We hold on so tight and then wonder why we do not see any major changes or see changes for the good. We have to have faith that He is not only providing for today, but He will provide for tomorrow and for eternity for us. I love it when I come to these understandings as it motivates me to follow it. Just like everyone else, I have good and bad days in doing what I am to do. I am glad that God is with me every day to help me. I have been truly blessed and I am Highly Favored!!!!

_1Timothy 6:11-21_ 11 But thou, O man of God, flee these things; and follow after righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, meekness. 12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, whereunto thou art also called, and hast professed a good profession before many witnesses. 13 I give thee charge in the sight of God, who quickeneth all things, and before Christ Jesus, who before Pontius Pilate witnessed a good confession; 14 That thou keep this commandment without spot, unrebukable, until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ: 15 Which in his times he shall shew, who is the blessed and only Potentate, the King of kings, and Lord of lords; 16 Who only hath immortality, dwelling in the light which no man can approach unto; whom no man hath seen, nor can see: to whom be honour and power everlasting. Amen. 17 Charge them that are rich in this world, that they be not highminded, nor trust in uncertain riches, but in the living God, who giveth us richly all things to enjoy; 18 That they do good, that they be rich in good works, ready to distribute, willing to communicate; 19 Laying up in store for themselves a good foundation against the time to come, that they may lay hold on eternal life. 20 O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called: 21 Which some professing have erred concerning the faith. Grace be with thee. Amen.

#### Joy in the Lord

#### Psalm 30

1I will extol thee, O LORD; for thou hast lifted me up, and hast not made my foes to rejoice over me. 2O LORD my God, I cried unto thee, and thou hast healed me. 3O LORD, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit. 4Sing unto the LORD, O ye saints of his, and give thanks at the remembrance of his holiness. 5For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. 6And in my prosperity I said, I shall never be moved. 7LORD, by thy favour thou hast made my mountain to stand strong: thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled. 8I cried to thee, O LORD; and unto the LORD I made supplication. 9What profit is there in my blood, when I go down to the pit? Shall the dust praise thee? shall it declare thy truth? 10Hear, O LORD, and have mercy upon me: LORD, be thou my helper. 11Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; 12To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever.

No matter what comes our way, we can stand in the word of God. We can rejoice in our tears and we can sing praises to the Lord despite all that comes our way. Sometimes we look at others for direction, we look within ourselves for direction, and we look every where for direction except the best place of all. We need to look to God for our direction. Jesus is the way to all things eternal and all things that are the best way. God is the only way to succeed in this life and live all eternity in joy and happiness. It does not matter what those around us do, for our joy comes from the Lord. Our night of pain/suffering can be years and years, but when joy comes, all that pain/suffering is gone and reduced to mere thoughts for the joy of the Lord is worth all the suffering of this world.

Faith – Are you in the number?

3,000 people on the day of Pentecost, 5,000 people in Acts 4, Aaron, Abel, Abraham, Amaziah, Andrew, Barnabas, Bartimaeus, Caleb, Colossians, Congregations at Thyatira, Corinthians, Crispus, Daniel, David, Elijah, Eliphaz, Ephesians, Eunice, Ezra, Gideon, Hannah, Hezekiah, Jacob, Hairus, James, Jews at Jerusalem, Jews at Rome, Job, Jochebed, John, Jonathan, Joseph, Joseph & Mary, Joshua and the people of Israel, Lois, Lydia, Manoah's wife, Mary – the sister of Martha, Martha, Mordecai, Moses, Nathanael, Ninevites, Noah, Nobleman whose child was sick, People of Joppa, People of Lydda, Peter, Philemon, Philip, Philippian jailor, Rahab, Samaritan leper, Sick people of Gennesaret, Simeon, Stephen, Syrophoenician woman, The Disciples, The Ethiopian Eunuch, Thessalonians, Those who brought the sick, possessed and afflicted to Jesus, Three Hebrew Boys, Timothy, Two blind men, Widow of Zarephath, Wise Men, Woman who anointed Jesus' feet, Woman with the issues of blood.

The list above is a list of people in the bible who exercised faith in the Lord/Jesus. They trusted God to bring them through, deliver on promises and just do as He said. They had faith that God was going to bring them out of whatever situation that they are in. God is so good to us that we must keep the faith and know that though things may look bleak, it is in the plan of God and He will bring it about for His glory.

Although there are several people on this list that are amazing in their faith, there are three people that I just relate to so much more as I look over the list: Joseph, Job, and the Woman with the issue of blood.

When Joseph taken from his family and cast into slavery due to the jealousy of his brothers, he was in a foreign land as a slave and rose to be second in command of a nation that was not his home nation. God kept him during all that time, showing him favor during his time of struggle. When God saw fit to reveal the original plan, He showed Joseph and his family that all along this was all to work according to God's plan. I look at Joseph's life experience as a reminder to me, that no matter where I am, God is with me. God will keep me in the midst of those that do not know my way or God. Even during my time of trials and tribulation, God will grant me favor as long as I am in His will and following His commandments. It also reminds me that though I may not know why I am where I am at that time, God is in control and it will come out in the end to glorify Him!

Job was tested with his faith and staying with God despite all that he lost. He lost all that he had and yet he stayed with God and had faith that God would bring him out. He was weak at times but God strengthened him to carry on. After the storm was over for Job, he was blessed with more than he had before due to his faithfulness to the Lord. This life lesson is so strong for me. God may allow all to be taken from you, but we are to stand strong in the Lord and just trust the Lord to bring us through. If we are faithful to the Lord, we shall see His works in our lives returned to us in more ways than we could ever imagine. God is faithful to us and as I heard a minister say once, God will not allow man to "out do" Him. If we are faithful to Him, He is even more faithful to us because He is God and so above all other things in our lives. We are so quick to turn our backs on God when things happen to us that we do not understand – we are quick to curse God and go back to our old ways. We must stand tall in the faith and trust that God knows best. Our reward is greater when we do for we shall see His face and hear Him say.... "His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord" (Matthew 25:21)

The Woman with the issue of blood is another life experience that is moving to me. Jesus was followed by tons of people, it was hard I am sure to get close to Him. She took the time to position herself to get close enough just to touch the hem of His garment and believed that just that would heal her. Now the thing that really gets me is that this woman was not to be in the public with this illness. It was against the beliefs for her to be in the public like that, so not only did she have to fight the crowds, the issue of the blood, she was breaking a law too. So many times we will not "break the law" to do as God says to do. We will not go against customs to serve God with all that we have. We are still celebrating holidays that go against the ways of God and excuse it away with; it does not mean that any more. We will not stand up for the Lord when confronted with things that go against Him, such as clubbing and having sex before marriage as we do not want to hurt anyone's feelings. This woman took a huge chance just to touch Jesus so that she could be made whole. We need to take the chance and touch Jesus with all that we have. We should stand tall and be moved from things that are not of God.

I know that there are people who read my writings and do not agree with me and that is fine. I know that I am charged with giving it to you and it is up to you to act or not act on it. I am saying to all that read this, God is good to us and we should hold onto the Lord and know that God is good in all ways. Stand on the faith of the Lord and know that He is with you always. We may walk from Him but He does not walk away from us. We are to surround ourselves with things of holiness, people of God and trust the Lord with all that we have. We have to hold onto our faith in season and out of season. Trust in the Lord my sisters and brothers for He is the way, the truth and the light!

God Is With Us

**Psalm 121** _I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore._

God is with us always. Sometimes we are going through life's issues and feel as if God is not there. God is always with us; He will never leave or forsake us. Have faith and believe He loves us, just believe. If you feel out of touch, my belief is to Praise Him, even in our sorrow, when we are at our weakest, He is at His strongest. Praise Him through the pain, sorrow, silence, noisiness of life, good and the bad. My answer to everything is Pray and Praise. We should all be Pray and Praise warriors for Jesus.

Just Thank Him today for the air you breathe, for the fact that you can breathe the fact that you can not only see this but read and understand it too!! Praise God for His mercy, grace, and love!!!

Accepting His Blessings

When God gives us a blessing no matter what it is - do not frown at it or take it for granted.

For example, you are in need of a car to get back and forth to work, God gives you an Escort but you wanted a Cadillac. Take the Escort, appreciate the Escort, cherish the Escort, Thank God for the Escort - be thankful for the car and be thankful to God for the car. You could get the Cadillac next time, if that is God's wishes. God wants the best for His children, He will bless us with the best - but we need to put Him first at all times, not material things, not people, nothing is to go before Him.

I am learning that we need to be careful for what we ask God for. We pray and pray and pray for something and then we get it and we go - hummm - God I did not ask for that - He in turns says Yes you did. I am learning that I do not know what I really want - as I am human, so I started asking God for what He wants for me. I ask Him to fill my life with the things that He wants for me, and this way I will have a closer walk with Him as for my desires will be in line with what is according to His will.

Some of us are praying for a man/woman to come into our life to be a companion. Well then God sends us someone and we say - oh no - I do not want that person God \- they are this or they are that - I will tell you what I heard from a minister once - God sends you a gorilla - accept that gorilla and praise God and watch that gorilla turn into your prince!!! We have become so accustom to a person's appearance and not the inside of a person, many times we miss the beauty of a person because we are looking at the outer beauty. Live long enough and your outer beauty is gone, but the inner beauty will last forever.

The key thing with all of this is we have to make sure that we are listening to God and that person is meant for you. Sometimes we think we hear God saying that someone is for us because we want that person so much – we need to stop and listen to God and recognize His voice over our own voices. We want things so much, we know it is not God telling us but we kid ourselves into believing that God is telling us. When we do that, we have a mess on our hands.

Here is the beauty of God – we make a mess of our lives after He tells us not to, but He comes to our rescue anyhow. He loves us more than we love ourselves!!! Thank you God for loving me more than anyone ever could or will!!

Limits and Increase

**Romans 8:28** _And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose._

**Matthew 19:26** _But Jesus beheld them, and said unto them, With men this is impossible; but with God all things are possible._

**Psalm 31:23-24** _O love the LORD, all ye his saints: for the LORD preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer. Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the LORD._

**John 10:** 10-11 _The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep._

I have been listening to God speak to my heart about limits and increase. So many times we let our own limitations hinder what God can do for us. Sure we are to go to God in prayer and ask Him for what we want, that is no doubt, but why should you limit yourself. What I mean is, when you ask God to help you because there is a bill you need to pay and not sure how you are going to pay it, you ask God to pay the bill. Well He gives you the money for the bill – wonderful – Praise God, but how about asking God to take care of your financial burdens instead and then sit back and watch Him handle all your bills – not just the one but all of them. That is what I mean when I say limits. We do not allow Him to bless us exceedingly because we are looking at the picture in front of our face instead of looking at the entire museum. I have been praying that God handles things in a broader sense and I am watching things in my life fall into place and I am able to see an increase in my life, I am not talking about a financial increase, even though He does that, but I am talking about increase in my relationship with Him, an increase in my faith, an increase in my trust, and an increase in my love for Him. Sure we all want an increase in "stuff" but the best increases comes when He brings us closer to Him and we increase in love, faith, trust, patience, understanding, and security in Jesus. I know that God says ask and He will give it to us, but I love keeping it simple and watching the wondrous works and blessings of God. I have seen an increase in my life, both in me and around me. God will show such increase that those around you are blessed with the increase too. I praise God for being God and allowing the windows of Heaven open and the blessings pour out on me and mine.

**Romans 5:1-5** _Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us._

**2 Corinthians 1:** 4-5 _Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ_.

**2 Corinthians 9:** 6- _12_ _But this I say, He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully. Every man according as he purposeth in his heart, so let him give; not grudgingly, or of necessity: for God loveth a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound toward you; that ye, always having all sufficiency in all things, may abound to every good work: (As it is written, He hath dispersed abroad; he hath given to the poor: his righteousness remaineth for ever. Now he that ministereth seed to the sower both minister bread for your food, and multiply your seed sown, and increase the fruits of your righteousness;) Being enriched in every thing to all bountifulness, which causeth through us thanksgiving to God. For the administration of this service not only supplieth the want of the saints, but is abundant also by many thanksgivings unto God;_

**Ephesians 3:** 10-21 _To the intent that now unto the principalities and powers in heavenly places might be known by the church the manifold wisdom of God, According to the eternal purpose which he purposed in Christ Jesus our Lord: In whom we have boldness and access with confidence by the faith of him. Wherefore I desire that ye faint not at my tribulations for you, which is your glory. For this cause I bow my knees unto the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, Of whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, That he would grant you, according to the riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his Spirit in the inner man; That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith; that ye, being rooted and grounded in love, May be able to comprehend with all saints what is the breadth, and length, and depth, and height; And to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge, that ye might be filled with all the fulness of God. Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen_

#### 1 John 5:1-4 Whosoever believeth that Jesus is the Christ is born of God: and every one that loveth him that begat loveth him also that is begotten of him. By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God, and keep his commandments. For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments: and his commandments are not grievous. For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith.

John 10:9-11 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture. The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly. I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

When we were in the world, the enemy did not really have to bother us; we were into worldly things and doing what he wanted us to do, so we were left alone. Any issues, problems, dilemmas, and dramas that happened then were because of something we did. We were just out there not caring about the ways of the Lord. We may think about it for a second and then the enemy would show us some cute hunk, our friends would ask us to go out with them, or he would send something to distract us for a minute. We would run after it as a dog runs after a ball! Shame on us, but when of the world we act like the world.

At some point in our lives, God starts knocking on the door of our heart asking us to let Him in our lives.

Some of us crack the door open to see who it is, and then see who it is and slam the door shut. We knew what He was about. We just DID NOT WANT TO HEAR IT.

Some of us open the door to hear what He has to say and slam the door shut. We did not like what He was saying – how dare He tells us to be nice to people who are mean to us, to stop talking about that girl at the office who is losing her house and help her, to love all those that we meet. Humm He must be crazy.

Some of us opened the door when He knocked and just stood there blocking Him so He could not come in the door, we would listen to what He has to say but we were not going to let HIM in.

Some of us opened the door and welcomed Him in with open arms so happy for the love and peace He was offering us but the minute He did not do some thing that we wanted; we sent Him packing.

Some of us opened the door and welcomed Him in, sat in the corner and just watched as He cleaned up our houses. When we saw it was clean – we kick Him out because we had a clean house and no longer needed Him.

Some of us opened the door and welcomed Him in and loved Him with all we had, but when He went away for a minute to see if we could stand – we ran so quick back to our old ways of living, that we ran right pass Him never seeing Him standing there with His arms opened.

Some of us let Him in when He knocks, and when we do, we stop and listen to what He is saying, we fight a little, but we hear Him. We let Him live with us, we begin to listen to Him and do as He says. He steps back and removes His arms some and we stand a little, but when we get weak, we run to Him in hopes that He is there. He is there for us because we called for Him in our time of need. We start to praise Him in our good and bad times, He starts to really empty out the bad and replace it with the good. We continue to allow Him to abide in us so His will is done. We get to the point when the enemy recognizes that we have Him abiding in us. Here comes the enemy looking to destroy all that we stand for, but we have learned from the previous times, that in standing and waiting on Jesus, we will have joy, peace, and happiness.

We have learned that when the enemy comes to destroy all that we have, that if we are like Job and stand - all that is taken will be returned in full plus increase. We are to stand for the Lord and never let Him go.

Stand in Jesus and watch your world turn bright and sunny even when it is raining all around you – you will not get wet from the pains of this world. Trust in Jesus – Trust in Jesus!

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 8

Alissa Lynne's Truths – Building a Relationship with God

Thankful – Just Me

God is in charge of all of our lives. He holds all power in His hands. We as Christians have a tendency to "beat down" other Christians or non-believers. What happen to loving God and spreading His love? Calling others out of their name with "colorful" adjectives or plain simple cruel words such as dumb or stupid, either way where is the love? Giving the word of God to an unsaved or saved person is NOT enough – when you give the word of God – use love.

When Jesus gave His words, they were not full of anger or hate for the person but for the sin, we are so hard on others, remember to be careful of judging. Jesus is an example of love – pure unconditional love and we need to show the same thing for our fellow human beings. There are people in need of our help and we walk right past them. We automatically assume that we can not make a difference, but if we would all try to make a difference, that is where the difference comes from. We have neighbors that we can not stand because of our experiences, when was the last time we said hello to them in pleasant voice and just being pleasant. My mom used to teach me to get people with my kindness. Most people expect people to just ignore us or to be just plain mean, but a little kindness goes a long way. So if you say good morning or a warm comment every time you see them, eventually they will start to warm up to you. The world is a cold place and it is up to us as Christians to warm it up with the love of the Lord. Do you only say "Have a blessed day" to those that you know are saved – or do you say it to everyone. Just because someone is not a believer does not mean that they are not entitled to a blessed day. We have to remember that we are to shine for Christ all the time and though some people do try our patience, just look at it this way – we are getting more patience as we deal with them. We are blessed and highly favored – why are we afraid to speak up and let the world know that we are not taking it lying down any more – we all need to STAND for Christ. Too many times because people do not see our way, we give up on them entirely – it is not our job to convict it is just our job to inform in a loving and Christian way. It appears to me that the Christian way is changing and I am wondering where it is going and why!!! Our God is still the same as yesterday, today and tomorrow – so why are Christians changing so much. Think about it my sisters and brothers – LET US STAND for the Lord and what is right in His eyes and love one another. I guess that is why I try to encourage and love my sisters and a brother for God is just the same with me. Please take the time to show love to all human beings. We need to show love and let God convict those who we minister to. Some of our job is to give His word, Praise Him, Trust Him, and Love All!

We go through life and prepare for the worse and pray for the best. I believe that we should prepare for the best and pray for the worst. When bad things happen or come at us, we need to pray for strength, for it rains on the just as it does the unjust and we are not above trials and tribulations. We have to remember that as we go through things in life that those things make us stronger in God and to rely on Him to get us through the situation. Whether it is the pain of the past, or the pain of the present, whether it is people we have to deal with or people we feel we can not deal with, no matter what the trials/tribulation/storm that we are going through it will strengthen us while we are going through it. We are being prepared for the best instead of praying for the best. We are being prepared to come out of the storm with no scars and praising God during and after the storm.

For every situation I am in – there is someone worse off than I am – struggling more than I am – the saved and unsaved. We have to be content in our lives and not be concerned for what we have and do not have for we are here in the land of the living and God is with us always. We are to be thankful for all things that we are blessed to have. God provides for us and we need to be thankful for what He provides us. I am so thankful for God reminding me not to look at others and want what they have for I do not know what they have been through to get that and God may have something better for me in store. We have to remember that no matter what is going on in our lives – God wants the best for us and from us. We have to give Jesus our best for God always gives us His best. I smile because the God I serve even though I fall short many times – God is always there.

I have read several things in the past about people and pain – we have to remember that God removes all pain and that if we hold onto the pain it will eat us alive. I have seen writings from being raped, neglect, and anger to just down right hurting pain in the heart. God is with us and we have to remember to stand with the Lord in all things that we go through and do. He will never leave nor forsake us so as we take steps that we are afraid to take remember that through it all God is with us and He is always with us. When it seems like the darkest times – God is there doing things that we do not always see but He will reveal in the end.

So many times people say to me why does this happen to me and why do that happen to me? It rains on the just as well as the unjust and I believe that because we are children of God – the enemy wants us more and will throw things on us. We as human beings – saved and the unsaved – are given a choice – life situations hit us and the outcome depends on us – if we decide to be defeated by it than that is what happens – if we allow the things that happen to us to defeat us then we are going to always feel as if life does not matter – but if we fight against it and rage against the storm and Praise God during the storm and come through the storm – then we are going to always be VICTORIOUS!!! We have to decide how we are going to handle life – it is given to us but where it goes is up to us for God has given each of us free will and it is our choice on how we handle our life. We can fight the storms with Jesus doing it for us, or we can choose to lose the fight and curl up in the corner with our heads down – what kind of life is that!!!

I praise God for the shelter from the storm and the peace in my heart during the storm. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I thank God every day of my life!!! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!!!

Asking God

I John 5:14-15 _"Now this is the confidence that we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us, whatever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we have asked of Him."_

So many times we go to God and ask for things that we know He is not going to do. You should stop asking to hit the lottery – gambling is that of God? People thank God when they hit the numbers, I do not believe that is of God. God does not condone gambling. We have churches doing bingos and things like that; God does not need that money raised by gambling. Gambling is gambling – duh – bingo is gambling!! Anyhow, when we go to God in prayer for things, we need to make sure what we are requesting is in line with what He wants for us. We have a tendency to ask God for things before we are ready for them. For example, we pray to God for a man or woman that He has for you, which is fine, do not put a time frame on it; ask Him to send that person when He wants too. God will answer us but you might not be ready for that man/woman and mess it up. Or you pray for a new house, not one you can afford to live in on a daily basis. I used to believe we need to be specific in prayer and watch what you ask for as you might get it.

Well I have changed that train of thought, I ask God to give me what He feels I need. I ask Him not for "wants" anymore, for as long as God gives me what He feels I need all my wants are taken care of - God loves us and just as we do our children He does for us. We take care of our children and sometimes our children are so well behaved, we surprise them with something we know they would like, they did not ask for it but we know our children, (if we love them, we know them), we knew they would love it. God is the same with us, He knows us better than we know ourselves, and so if we ask for our needs forget our wants, be good children. He will take care of all our needs and all our wants! As we get closer to Him, our needs and wants will be in accordance with His will for us anyhow!

Your Vow to Jesus

Matthew 5:33-37 _"Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform your oaths to the Lord.' But I say to you, do not swear at all: neither by heaven, for it is God's throne; nor by the earth, for it is His footstool; nor by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. Nor shall you swear by your head, because you cannot make one hair white or black. But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' For whatever is more than these is from the evil one."_

Here is another aspect of this scripture. How about "promises/vows" that we make to God? We will promise God that we will do whatever He wants if He brings us out of the mess we are in, usually it is a huge mess we created because we did not listen to Him in the first place. God loves us and has our best interest in His heart and hands. He wants us to lean on Him, to trust Him, to love Him as He loves us. So why do we say things to Him that we do not mean, see if you make a promise or vow to God, you will keep it – you will in the end of it all keep it. I have a family member who years ago promised God that if God would allow everything to be okay at the doctor's that he would give his life over to Christ. Well God made sure it was all fine, this person has yet to turn his life over to God. Nothing has been right for this person since, the 'funny' thing is he knows it; wonderful thing is he is starting to Let Go and Let God!! We can not make promises to Jesus and not expect to keep them, as in the end, every knee shall bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. I am thankful that God is not like us in keeping our word to others and to Him. I am glad that He is way above us and keeps His word to us each and every day!!!!

Keeping Your Word

Matthew 5:33-37 _"Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform your oaths to the Lord.' But I say to you, do not swear at all: neither by heaven, for it is God's throne; nor by the earth, for it is His footstool; nor by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. Nor shall you swear by your head, because you cannot make one hair white or black. But let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No.' For whatever is more than these is from the evil one."_

God keeps His word to us; we do not have to doubt His word as He always comes through with His word/promises. We should do the same, we should mean what we say and keep our words, and we should not have to say "we promise or we swear". Our word should be enough for people to trust what we say. We have a tendency to not trust people and what they say – is it because of them or because of us. Do we not trust others or ourselves, I have to believe that it is a little from column A and a little from column B. We need to take a look inside ourselves and let it go – whatever it is and learn to trust. We hold onto our hurt too much, we need to trust Jesus and move forward. We need to trust Jesus and give 100% of our heart to Jesus and those around us. It is time for us to truly love our neighbors and trust God to speak to our hearts to tell us of those who are untrustworthy. We are to be Christ-like at all times – as hard as it is – we still need to strive to be Christ like. Love our neighbors and keep our word to all especially to Christ.

What do you do to draw others to Jesus?

It really bothered me that those that choose not to worship Jesus as their personal Savior really do not see the church as the church used to be viewed. So many churches are conforming to the world and not the world conforming to the church. Why do we have to have the secular music songs in the church? Why do we have to reach out to the world with their music? So we draw them to church with the music of hip hop and then we get them in church and provide hip hop and pray that they hear the word of God. But once the minister starts to preach the true word of God, they are not listening or they have left because "the show" is over. So what do the ministers do now to keep the young people, they sink and yes I mean to say sink to their level, and start using street language in their sermons.

Okay, look the church has always been looking to reach the young people and how did they get the young people into the church – the parents. The parents brought their children; we are thinking to reach the adults that we need to reach the children – NOT!!! We need to reach the adults they are the head of the house and the ones in charge of things. So how do we reach the adults, not by music, but the word of God. The true word of God. We sing songs in church to evoke the spirit of the Lord into the service; the Holy Spirit draws them in. I have heard from people, well it is just music; it does not do anything...WHAT IS THAT MESS?? Okay so if that is true, the worship songs we sing at church means nothing for it is just music and it does not do anything. Ridiculous – do you see where I am going with that? The music we play in the church is to usher in God's spirit, not the happiness of those in the seat because they are be bopping to the music for that used to be their song back in the day??!!!

We need the old school ministers back who were afraid of Jesus not the collection plate being empty. We need those ministers, who are not afraid to say that Jesus loves you and accepts you, but you need to change, you need to commit and have a relationship with the Lord. Where are the ministers that will speak the word of God because they cared about your very soul?

Matthew 25:34-46 **34** Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world: **35** For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in: **36** Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me. **37** Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink? **38** When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in? or naked, and clothed thee? **39** Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee? **40** And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me. 41 Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels: 42 For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink: 43 I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not. 44 Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee? 45 Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me. 46 And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.

We are to draw men unto Jesus by our actions. How are we to reach the unsaved when they are walking around worried about their bills, and how they are going to provide for their family? We have to reach the need of the unsaved and draw them in. For if you are hungry, you are not listening to what people are saying, if your electric is going to be shut off, you are not listening to what people are saying to you about the Lord and trusting Jesus. If your son is out there on the streets selling drugs and providing the money for the home, you are not listening to the church for you are worried if you son is going to come home that night. We have to reach out to people and help them.

So many churches are concerned about building bigger churches but what about meeting the needs of the congregation. There are churches that are not reaching out to their congregation unless they are paying a huge tithe each week. We have to reach those that need us; there are tons of homeless people here in the USA – who need a hand up not a handout. We have tons of children waiting for families that just need love and a safe place to live. We have tons of people strung out on drugs or some kind of addiction that just need someone to pray with them and believe in them. We have tons of people who feel that they are useless or worthless wanting to end their lives that just need to hear a kind word. Where are we to give that to them? When was the last time that you saw a homeless person and helped them? Some of them are just down because of things in their life that could be you. They made some choices that have landed them in that situation, what happen to loving them?

I remember back in the day that there were tons of churches giving back to the community, you knew that this church gave food on certain days and other churches had clothes and other churches would let you sleep there at night. I am sad to say that Pittsburgh is not like it used to be and it is discouraging. I remember back in the day, in the heart of the black neighborhood, a big tent went up and there was a revival right there in the middle of the neighborhood. There were people changing their lives right there. Those revivals are no longer held outside but inside of the church and not as many are being saved. The very same pastor who used to conduct those is now sitting high in his own church that is huge and untouchable. I feel for those ministers who forget where God brought them from. We need to remember that if it was not for the grace of God – we would be so lost. We need to reach out to our sisters and brothers.

We are expected to be Holy for that is what He requires us to do, He would not say we could if we could not; we are our biggest hold up on that. I have to encourage you to surround yourself with things of holiness, and get into His word!! God is too good not to be in His word and get to know Him better. The enemy will try to deter you but get into the word anyhow; the benefits are too great not too.

Do not judge

**1 John 2:24-27** **** "Let that therefore abide in you, which ye have heard from the beginning. If that which ye have heard from the beginning shall remain in you, ye also shall continue in the Son, and in the Father. And this is the promise that he hath promised us, even eternal life. These things have I written unto you concerning them that seduce you. But the anointing which ye have received of him abideth in you, and ye need not that any man teach you: but as the same anointing teacheth you of all things, and is truth, and is no lie, and even as it hath taught you, ye shall abide in him."

Many times we have heard from ministers, pastors, and Christians – "Come as you are" But do you really mean it? Do you accept anyone into your church with open arms; do you minister or help anyone with open arms? We should accept anyone seeking God, who cares where their life is currently. None of us are perfect, God works on us daily! He does for all of us!!

If someone comes to the church in inappropriate attire, do not turn them away by rude remarks or comments, or by beating them up with how they should be. Show them the love of Christ and encourage them to continue to come to church, God will change them. Plus you never know their life circumstances, for example I was staying with my aunt after the fire in my house, I did not have many dresses before the fire and since my main clothing closet was on the 2nd floor – those clothes where gone, and the clothes in my bedroom on the first floor were all smoke damaged. So I had no dresses, I barely had clothes, but I wanted to go to church, I wore jeans until I could afford a dress. I grew up with the belief that a woman is a woman – hence the dress to church. So when someone comes to church in pants, shirt too revealing, skirt too short, fill their heart with the love of Christ in you and God will do the rest.

Jesus came to save all of us regardless of our career choices, our lifestyles, our hearts and our minds. If someone is open enough to accept Jesus into their heart, and allows himself to be filled with the Holy Spirit, God will change them if they allow Him to do so. They have to be willing and we have to be available to help those in need of our assistance – always with love, never with malice or self reasoning behind our actions. We can not judge people by their lifestyle, we as Christians must testify of God's goodness to us and we must open our hearts to help those in need without judging, we also need to remember that God will send any of His people to do His will – saved and the unsaved. We as Christians need to have not only an open heart but an open mind!!! God will make the changes in a person's life as they are convicted by His Holy Spirit and His words – just as He did for us.

God convicted my heart with quitting smoking as I started to see my body as a temple to God.

So many times we judge people before God has started working on the person – we should save the judging for Jesus not for us – we should love and love all!!! We judge too much and we jump to conclusions when we should just be there for someone.

My life has not always been pretty – God has brought me through so much – and it took my ex-husband leaving me to truly 100% bring me to Christ. Why – because I thought I had it all – I thought I had the best of the best: a husband, a son, a pet, a house, two cars, good jobs – not the best marriage but we were still together. Well then he left – I lost my mind, temporary lost my house (due to the fire), lost my mom, almost lost my son (he was having difficult times since his dad left), and God stepped in and saved me. He held me in His arms, and let me cry all night long about my life, and ever since that day, I have been committed to living my life the way Jesus wants me to do. He loved me when I did not love myself and I am eternally grateful. I thought I had it all but guess what – I had no life – as I did not have Jesus. Now that I have Jesus in my life, I am so much more at peace and I am so much happier. I am not the only one who is happy either – my son is happy – he has a much calmer life and we are working on our relationship together.

NEVER JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS COVER – GOD CAN CHANGE ANYONE – INCLUDING ME - SAVE THE JUDGING FOR JESUS – LOVE – LOVE – LOVE – LOVE – OPEN HEARTS AND OPEN MINDS!!!!!!!!!

Love - Love - Love

John 13:34-35 A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.

We have to love one another. I know that God does not like sin but we have to remember that we are to love another that is including the unsaved, those that do not know the Lord. We have to even love those that are full of so much righteousness that they forget where the Lord has brought them. We have to be careful to not prevent someone to coming to know the Lord. We know what is right and wrong and we can say to someone that they are wrong but remember God is going to do the same to you. I was out there sleeping with whomever I wanted to sleep with, drinking and smoking like I thought I was grown enough to do. The love of God and the Word of God convicted me and nope I do not sleep around, I do not drink, I stopped smoking, swearing and a bunch of other stuff. I am far from perfect but God's love is perfect and I am learning more and more each day. I believe that we are to as fishermen of men, draw people to the Lord and allow the word of God to minister to them to change their ways. Now do not get me wrong - should a minister be in the pulpit not preaching the word of God or watering down the word of God - NOPE!! I know that we are to talk to each other and minister each other but beating people up about how they are is not going to turn them to Jesus. All it is going to do is make them feel guilty and run faster into the world to hide. Let us remember that Jesus is love and He is the one that is so full of love for us each and every day! We need to remember to love one another and to remember the golden rule!!!

**Contentment in Life**

**Hebrews 13:5-6** Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. So that we may boldly say, The Lord is my helper, and I will not fear what man shall do unto me.

Are you happy in your life? Do you look around and smile at your life?

We are blessed just to be alive. So many times we see what others have and want it for ourselves. We are to look at what we have and be happy with it – to be content with our lives and not want someone else's life or things. People used to see my ex do stuff for me and tell me how much they want a man like him – little did they know how cruel he was at home. We never know what someone else is going through.

God gives us only what we can handle in all aspects of our lives, mentally, emotionally, and financially. God has in His wondrous way given us the opportunities and placed the path in front of us for a happy, content, fulfilling life all we have to do is trust in God, place our faith in His will for our lives and do not stray from it.

If we want to be happy for the rest of our life, put Jesus first in all things. Trusting God to take care of it all and have faith that He will despite what comes our way. We will still be content, happy and rejoicing in Jesus.

I Corinthians 13:6-7 Rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; Beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.

Philippians 4:7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Praise

Psalm 106:1 Praise ye the LORD. O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.

Psalm 111:1 Praise ye the LORD. I will praise the LORD with my whole heart, in the assembly of the upright, and in the congregation.

We should just worship Him for all that He does for us...He loves us despite our actions and the way that we are, He loves us – ALL OF US. He loves the unsaved just as much as the saved – it is the sin of the saved and unsaved that God does not like. I praise God for showing us such compassion and mercy, where we have a huge tendency not to show compassion or mercy to our fellow human beings – we are quick to judge and think things of untruth about each other instead of loving one another. I am thankful to God that He is slow to anger for if He was not – I would be lost forever!!! I praise God for His encouragement to me and for His unconditional love for me

Romans 5:2-7 By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. For when we were yet without strength, in due time Christ died for the ungodly. For scarcely for a righteous man will one die: yet peradventure for a good man some would even dare to die.

While we are going through what we are going through, God is walking with us, never leaving nor forsaking us. He has the whole world in His hands!!! God knows all and sees all – Praises to God who will answer my prayers and your prayers at the same time, if it is His will!

No Weapon - Pray

Isaiah 54:17 No weapon that is formed against thee shall prosper; and every tongue that shall rise against thee in judgment thou shalt condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the LORD, and their righteousness is of me, saith the LORD.

No matter what comes against us, it will not prosper or succeed. God will see us through. You know you are on the right track when things start coming at you real hard and heavy.

I have to fight to follow Jesus...I am verbal about it...I know that for me I have to keep my mind on Him at all times...which means I do not listen to anything but gospel music...I study and I praise Him at all times. I keep my mind on God.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

So many times people underestimate what Satan is capable of doing. When Satan left heaven, he took 1/3 of heaven with him. So let's say there was 1,000 angels, 333 angels went with him. These are angels who know God...were in the presence of God and they still left. Satan is a liar and there is no good in him, but he is a convincing liar. We have to remember that and arm ourselves with the armor of God

Ephesians 6:10-12 Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

2 Corinthians 6:6-8 By pureness, by knowledge, by long suffering, by kindness, by the Holy Ghost, by love unfeigned, By the word of truth, by the power of God, by the armour of righteousness on the right hand and on the left, By honour and dishonour, by evil report and good report: as deceivers

We can not allow Satan to take control of our minds. Our minds must remain on God at all times. We should surround ourselves with things that are holy and keep in the word of God at all times. We have to keep our minds on the Lord at all times or do our best for He will strengthen us to get through every day!!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Rejoice evermore. Pray without ceasing. In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you

Remember my brothers and sisters....God is with us always...He will never leave nor forsake us...we just need to STAND!!!

God Bless and remember that we are blessed and highly favored!!

We have to get a spirit of Praise! We have to understand that God is going to keep us going! We have to praise the Lord while we have the breath to do so. God is moving everyone – come on, get with Jesus, and feel the power of the Lord in your life.

I have to say that it is sad what I have seen in the Christian community. We need to pray for the unsaved and for Christians. There are people out there with so much hate in their hearts and will go to the Christian message boards just to cause confusion, now we know that confusion is nothing but the enemy running wild. Instead of giving the word of God back to these people, Christians or so-called Christians are slinging mud back at them. I was so hurt to see this. I know that we are living in the last and evil days, but it still touches my heart to know that some are so against the word of God and some of "us" are just as bad. I am praying for those that are attending churches that are spiritually dead. Churches that are giving "Cotton Candy" sermons, ministers not living right or teaching right, so called Christians that are so far into the world, that you only know they are a Christian when you say Thank you Jesus and they say Praise the Lord - well they whisper it. We are coming to a point where there is no way to tell True Christians from not so true Christians except for the discerning Holy Ghost whom dwells in us.

It is time for those of us with a voice to speak up. We are saying we need a revival and asking God to bring us to that, but God helps those that step out on faith. We need to stop talking about it and do it. We need to pray for our sisters and brothers who are lost. I have read so many things in the past that makes my stomach sick.

We are letting our children act grown before their time, because we want to "get our grove on". What is that? We are to be what GOD has called us to be and not what we THINK He wants us to be. One of the reasons I have opened up my web site to others, why I am doing the radio blog, why we are doing the bible study is to reach out to others. We are so busy thinking about where God might take us instead of moving forward in what He has told us to do. We are so busy worried about how much we can make instead of letting God handle our finances. I have been getting so much "push back" from some family members because of where God is taking me and I am not listening to it any more, I am moving forward in Jesus and I am glad to see that I have some sisters and brothers moving in Jesus too.

I wanted to say to those sisters that are out there struggling with their marriage, their singleness, their jobs, their kids; or whatever their issue is you best believe there is a sister somewhere who can relate. We are Christian women not of the world we are special! We need to reach out to our sisters and bring them closer into the fold of Jesus with the love of the Lord. This life is not about what we can have but about Jesus.

I am reaching out to all my sisters and encouraging them to share their story, it will bring you closer to Jesus and it will touch someone's heart. I know that God has blessed me with a life full of mess and guess what; I am going to share it with the entire world so that if nothing else ONE sister will be able to stand a little taller knowing that God did it for me and He will do it for them.

My sisters I sit here singing the praises of God - why? HE IS MY PROVIDER! I have nothing to worry about and nothing to fear! I know that God will take care of it. Though people are always saying God is their provider when was the last time they let it go and concentrate on Jesus! God has called us to walk by faith and I am going to walk by faith! I am singing and I am praising God. I could be sitting here worried but God has blessed me many times over. I am standing and I pray that my sisters stand.

My sisters we need to praise the Lord more than we do. Even at work I scream inside and write it out on paper...PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD, PRAISE THE LORD – HALLEJUAH GOD IS ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF ALL MY NEEDS – NOT SOME OF THEM BUT ALL OF MY NEEDS! I AM A CHILD OF THE MOST HIGH GOD AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT HE WILL NOT DO FOR ME! My sisters no matter where we are in life, we need to praise the Lord at all times – I love the Lord and I am not going to shut up!

The enemy is attacking big time but guess what – he is not getting my mind with his dumb thoughts – my mind and heart are here to serve the Lord – I shall always praise the Lord – no more depression, no more sickness, no more financial issues for me – my God is there for me and He will keep me! I am singing the praises of God for all eternity.

We are going to praise until God shows this world that He is in charge. I know that God is going to move THIS DAY! I trust the Lord in all things and I know that NO MATTER WHAT GOES ON IN THIS LIFE – GOD HAS MY BACK – GOD HAS MY FRONT – GOD HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE SURROUNDED! PRAISE GOD MY SISTERS!

Miracles are coming and blessing of peace, love, and joy will show up when you praise the Lord with all your heart!

We have to give God praise at all time - pray and praise go hand in hand. We have to be in the word of God, we have to talk to Him (prayer) and we have to worship Him \- there is no other way to make it through this life without it.

I just have to say that we need to praise God instead of crying about the things in our lives - sure, we can cry but we need to praise Him - He is calling for His people to praise Him. I know that when the praises go up - the blessings come down. Not always money either - even though that is nice, but blessings of peace, love, and joy to name a few is so much better than money! He is moving His people to another level and we need to praise Him and get where He wants His people to be. We are children of the Most High God - what do we have to fear - NOTHING AT ALL!

It is a shame what some do or say, in the name of Jesus, who have tons of people following them and even show that they are not doing as God intended and yet people are blinded by the "cotton candy" sermons and services. I pray for all our sisters and brothers to see the Light of Jesus in some one and stop following these false prophets! I think we are so quick to fall for the "fix it quick" ways to get to God instead of working/building/cultivating a relationship with the Lord and listening to His Spirit that dwells in us. We are to take heed to the times and those that are false prophets, call them on the carpet when they are preaching or living outside of God. As Paul did, he called those out that were doing things **in public** against God and supposed to be walking in Christ.

I have been reading so much from people who just do not listen to Christians because of the mess they see on TV with those that are begging for money or taking the word of God out of context for their gain. I have been trying to reach out to people whom just HATE Christians because some of the things that Christians have said to them have hurt them. I am just praying much that the True Christians ask to be blessed with more Holy Boldness and stand up for the Lord in ALL SITUATIONS!

How can we sit quietly waiting for something to happen? I cannot be quiet anymore and I speak to whomever I see. I am not an evangelist, preacher, minister, or any of those other titles; I am a woman of God who loves the Lord, who just wants to see all that she meets to know the Lord! God is good and we should shout it out! No more just being a Christian on Sundays or the privacy of your home, it is time to scream it from the top of our lungs wherever we go and say how much God has changed our very lives and how His love can change others! We need to stop judging those that are not in Christ and love them. We need to start calling those in the ministry on the things that they are doing outside of the Lord because the world looks to them as our leaders/spokesperson and let me tell you \- NONE of them is my spokesperson for I have my own mouthpiece and know the word of God.

It is time to speak the truth and know God's word as we know our name. We should not guess at things but know that we know that we know. I have heard people say that something is coming and God is going to do some thing wonderful. I believe that some thing is coming - it is SALVATION for the lost - some of those that are acting lukewarm are going to come to the Lord with a fire inside that is burning for the Lord. The fire is gone from many Christians and it is time for those that are losing or lost the fire to be re-fresh and renewed in Jesus. God is just too good to sit down on.

I have seen Him move for others and for me in the past, He is still the same, and He is not going to leave me. God is showing me that He is with me regardless of what comes at me. The peace I feel comes only from Him and praising Him. I love it, it is my testimony - sure, I am short in cash BUT MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN THAT! Praise the Lord!

We are going to praise God until HE CHANGES THINGS! He is in control - He will do what I need and give me a testimony out of this world. See God is so good - He has prepared me for a bumpy ride this month but - God is with me and it will not be that bumpy and I am going to have a testimony out of this world - God will get the glory in ALL OF MY LIFE! I have been too quiet for too long - I am decreasing and asking God to increase!

There is a Praise Party going on and it is never going to stop! We need to stand for the Lord regardless of what is going on in our lives. Watch the miracles come, watch the joy come, watch the peace come, watch the moving of the Lord - God is about to do some serious work. I do not know about anyone else but I can feel it and I know that it will work to glorify Him and in turn I shall be blessed even more than I am now! Hallelujah praises to God, my sisters!

I know if He is moving here - He is moving everywhere - if you are down today - praise the Lord and let Him bring you out – if find that you cannot get out of it and need encouragement - email this sister - I will call you tonight and we will praise the Lord until a change in mood comes!!

We need to be there for each other! I am serious too - I will sing, pray, shout, whatever it takes to get my sisters to praise the Lord and feel good in life and know that God is with us! Praise the Lord! I am so excited - Praise the Lord!

So many times Christians go to church to be entertained. I am not into being entertained when I go to church. The pastor/minister/elder or whoever is giving the message does not have to pump me up to praise Jesus. I have attended churches and services where people have to "pump" up the crowd. As Christians we should be on fire for Jesus all the time, we should have praise for Him at all time. No one should have to "fire" you up for Jesus.

I believe that "seasoned" Christians should know to bring Him with you and get the service started...one thing is for sure the Holy Spirit is "catchy".

I have seen some churches entertain so much to the point that the "word" given by whomever is delivering the message that day is so "watered down". Why are they afraid to make the congregation angry with the word of God? If you give me a message from God and it happens to cut me because I am guilty of it...good...I am looking to please God not man. So many times our pastors and church leaders do not want to offend because they do not want to offend the "paying" members. It reminds me of the scene in a movie, where the one Bishop is telling the Bishop of the church that their membership was low and if they did not increase their membership, no funds would come their way. Hummm, now how does that really make sense, if you church membership is down is not that when you need the money the most. Are we not in this to help each other, are we not in this to worship God and be Christ-like? So many times so many politics come into the church and the business of God is lost. It is no secret that I am not a fan of "mega-churches". I will give them this, they are big, they make a joyful noise, and some of them even do the work of God. I said some of them...there are a lot more who are out there for the money and the money only, they make a joyful noise unto the people not the Lord. It is a shame that they are like that but I pray for those churches for they have reached so many people and have a chance to make a huge difference in the community and to lead so many to Christ. I pray for big churches with huge congregations that God will bless them to do the true will of God.

I pray for churches all over the world, for Satan is always attacking the church and the people of God. I pray for each of you and that God will lead and direct your every step.

The World and Christians – Be In It Not Of It!

John 15:18-19 If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you.

John 17:13-16 And now come I to thee; and these things I speak in the world, that they might have my joy fulfilled in themselves. I have given them thy word; and the world hath hated them, because they are not of the world, even as I am not of the world. I pray not that thou shouldest take them out of the world, but that thou shouldest keep them from the evil. They are not of the world, even as I am not of the world.

Romans 12:1-3 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.

I Corinthians 2:11-16 For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God. Now we have received, not the spirit of the world, but the spirit which is of God; that we might know the things that are freely given to us of God. Which things also we speak, not in the words which man's wisdom teacheth, but which the Holy Ghost teacheth; comparing spiritual things with spiritual. But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned. But he that is spiritual judgeth all things, yet he himself is judged of no man. For who hath known the mind of the Lord, that he may instruct him? but we have the mind of Christ.

James 4:3-7 Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts. Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God. Do ye think that the scripture saith in vain, The spirit that dwelleth in us lusteth to envy? But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble. Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

I John 2 14-16 I have written unto you, fathers, because ye have known him that is from the beginning. I have written unto you, young men, because ye are strong, and the word of God abideth in you, and ye have overcome the wicked one. Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world.

I John 4:3-6 And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world. Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. They are of the world: therefore speak they of the world, and the world heareth them. We are of God: he that knoweth God heareth us; he that is not of God heareth not us. Hereby know we the spirit of truth, and the spirit of error.

I Peter 1:15-16 But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy

I have been reading things and seeing how people think that we can still do things of the world that we used to do. I have seen where it is acceptable to have sex with someone because you are eventually going to be married. I have seen where it is acceptable to continue to listen to the worldly music, watch worldly television. I am not talking about those of the world who are not walking with Jesus; I am talking about Christians who say that they love the Lord. I am talking about Christians who are still sleeping with someone who is not their spouse, who still goes to the clubs, who are still dressing inappropriately with short skirts and revealing tops. I am talking about those that are mean and nasty all the time, never having a kind word to say to anyone. I am talking to those that are still just in the world, doing all kinds of worldly things finding and trying to justify what they are doing. I am not perfect either. We have to remember that we are accountable for all that we do. We have to remember that we are being watched – not just by man but by God. I know that sometimes we forget but everything we do even if someone does not see it, God sees it. I know that there are people sneaking around doing things that they are hiding and praying no one finds out, but God sees you and knows that you are doing it. We are required to walk Holy and be Holy and live the life that God has called us to do. It may seem at times that it is hard but if we have the faith of a grain of a mustard seed – not a mustard seed but the grain of a mustard seed – we can move those mountains out the way! (Matthew 17:19-21)

We are so quick to say that God is working on me – well God has been trying to work on us but we have been ignoring what He is telling us to do.

We have to stop and listen and then change what He tells us to change. I was guilty of waiting for some miracle to happen for God to change me. He will if I shut my mouth and do as He says, He will if I just open up and change what needs to change.

God is here for us but we have to know that we are to give up the things that are not pertaining to Him and not of Him. We have to leave the things of the world behind for they can hinder us in our future. "Remember that it is for your future that your present must line up with God."

We must get rid of all those things that we are holding so tight so that God can move in our lives as He sees fit. If we want a financial blessing, we need to stop spending as if we are running out of time. We need to cut the cards up and depend on Jesus to take care of us. We need to seek His face and live right and watch the blessings come. If we want a spouse, we need to stop searching on our own. Place Jesus in the forefront of our lives and get out the bars, clubs and what not, let the Lord direct your life and here comes your spouse. You want peace and joy; seek the face of Jesus not the face of those around you or the joys of this world. God is the only way; Jesus is the truth and the light! We must seek ye first the kingdom of God, our heart's desire should be to please Him and watch the blessings flow. We will walk in the favor of the Lord always!

Why I am always talking against "meism" and "prosperity" sermons

So many times people come at me about this minister or that minister and tell me how wonderful they are. I listen to why they love that minister and why they believe it is the truth. I just smile and give them the reason of what I believe. See the ministers who preach these kinds of sermons are misleading to the people who listen to these sermons. They are not telling them that this life is full of trouble; they are not telling them that God says we shall suffering in the name of Jesus. When these kinds of speeches are going up, it is coming back voided, there is nothing to hold onto, no foundation in this kind of empty message. It is okay to preach about prosperity but take it from the direction of God. We shall have things on this earth that are beauty and we can have prosperity, many men who loved God FIRST did have this in the bible. God blesses His people with monetary blessings as well as spiritual blessings. We have to understand that God is to come first, not ourselves, it is not about us. It is about God! God is to be the head of our lives, nothing else. We are to worship God in truth; we are to love God with our whole heart. We are to praise Him at all times; we are to love Him with all we have. We are to take joy in praising God and serving God, not think it is a chore. We are to understand that the riches of this world are NOTHING compared to what we will have in Heaven with God.When we get into the meism of sermons; we forget that this is not about us, that it is about the Lord. Many of those professing Christianity do not want to hear the Truth!

Therefore, what is wrong with this kind of preaching, the issue with the focus is that it is not on Jesus, it is not on the glory of God but the glorification of self, the glorification of man. It is no longer about the Lord but about those that serve Him. We should be about our Father's business not our business. There are men and women in the ministry in the ministry for all the wrong reasons. Sure every now and then in their sermon they say something on point, but if the reason why they are giving the message is because of keeping up the giving of the people and not for saving souls, their agenda is not God's agenda, it is their own agenda.

It is simple how to NOT fall into this trap. These verses are three of many. I picked these verses because they are the ones that we all know but so rarely follow and if we would follow these verses, we would save ourselves so much.

Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

I Peter 1:15-16 15 But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; 16 Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.

Proverbs 3:5-6 5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

But here is another one that will help understand why we need to know these verses and why we need to read the word of God...

Galatians 5:16-26 16This I say then, Walk in the Spirit, and ye shall not fulfil the lust of the flesh. 17For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would. 18But if ye be led of the Spirit, ye are not under the law. 19Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness, 20Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, 21Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God. 22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, 23Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. 24And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts. 25If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit. 26Let us not be desirous of vain glory, provoking one another, envying one another.

### James 4:2-4 2Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not. 3Ye ask, and receive not, because ye ask amiss, that ye may consume it upon your lusts. 4Ye adulterers and adulteresses, know ye not that the friendship of the world is enmity with God? whosoever therefore will be a friend of the world is the enemy of God.

We are doing things that are not of God, we are doing things that God will punish us for, but how can we live as He calls us to do if we do not study His word, how do we fight all the evil presented to us if we do not read and live His word.

We can attend bible studies, we can listen to the reading of the bible every day on line, we can read all kinds of versions of the word, all kinds of handouts on the word. HOWEVER, if we do not apply what we read to our lives, we are just as lost as those that do not even read the word of God. I have heard so many people give so many excuses as to why they do not read the word and even why they do not apply it to their life. If you do not read the word, if you keep not following what it says to do, you are going to hear some words that you are not going to want to hear from the Lord, you are going to fall and be lost from God for all eternity.

Ephesians 5:4-6 4Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. 5For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6Let no man deceive you with vain words: for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience.

I Corinthians 6:8-10 8Nay, ye do wrong, and defraud, and that your brethren. 9Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, 10Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

It is so important to all to read the word of God, to know it in your heart, to be able to rely on it in your time of need or in someone elses time of need. It is not just for our good but for all those around us. I have been talking to friends and stuff about the word of God and just trusting in Jesus. We are to witness to each other; we are to bring new sheep to the flock, by witnessing to others. How can we do this, if we do not know God's word, if we do not follow His word?

We need to separate ourselves from the world and be in it but not of it. We can hang out with the unsaved to witness to them, but they are not to be our best friends, at some point if you are associating with an unsaved person, hanging out with them all the time, someone is going to be converted, because birds of a feather flock together. If you are not changing them, they are changing you. I want to see my Jesus face and the love in His eyes for me, not the Wrath of Jesus. I bet the Wrath of Jesus is worse than the Wrath of Linda Jean (My mom)

I pray that each of you come to have a personal relationship with the Lord and if you do not have one, that you draw closer to the Lord for ALL THINGS in your life.

I Peter 1:14-16 14 As obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance:15 But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; 16 Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.

Matthew 6:32-34 32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

God is with us and we can resist temptation. The enemy, satan, is out to take us to hell with him. Some people forget satan is not in charge of hell, God is. Satan will be one of the persons in torture in hell; he is not to be in charge of it as some try to make us think. He (satan) has the power of the air for now, and we need to know our enemy and know that he is real. We have to realize that he has no power over us, that we have all power for we are in Christ. Jesus arose from the dead with all power in his hands. We are more than conquers because of Christ; we have the victory in all things. People should not take pride in saying or using the excuse, "the devil made me do it" as he may put the thought in your mind but it is you who did it. God will give us a way out if we seek Him and we can resist the devil. We are to not give into the plans of the enemy for the human race.

This reminds me of a conversation with a female I know. She explained to me that she cannot go without sex for more than two weeks and she is a Christian. I told her that yes she can for the Lord is strong and will give her the power to resist, but she said that she could not. I cry for our sisters who believe this and think that God will not strengthen you to get past those stages. It may not be an easy resistance for you, but it can be done. I think so many times we give into our flesh desires and say that the enemy got to us, but sometimes I believe that it is us that get to us. As the scripture says – I can do all things through Christ, which strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13 – King James version) The scripture does not say some things or some times – it says I can do ALL things – which include resisting temptation. I believe that sometimes we give WAY TOO much credit to the enemy that we do many things on our own, we are to live a holy life, and though we fall short on many occasions, we are still to live holy.

There is no question in my mind that we can resist temptation, for God said that if we abide in His word, then He is with us. We as Christians need to build a relationship with the Lord and to trust His word and Him to do what His word says. We are blessed beyond our understanding of our blessings.

We are special and loved by God. We are too quick sometimes to give things that are precious to us. We will give a man our love that does not deserve it and if he is sent from God, he will wait for it. Just because you are engaged does not make it right either, as he is still not your husband and you will have to answer to God for that sin. We are quick to say I know I am going to marry this man, and give him a piece of ourselves and when the relationship falls through, the first thing you think back to is how it fell apart and you should have never given him "some". My sisters let us learn from other's mistakes, do not think it will not happen to you because you are different. We are different in some manners but human nature is human nature to all. Please pay attention to those sisters who have been where you have been, seek their counsel and direction. Talk to them and take it to the Lord in prayer. God is with you always and He will direct your path. There is so many scriptures to back me up on this but I am going to leave you with one of my favorites that keeps me in line all the time.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.

Matthew 6:24 No man can serve two masters for either he will hate the one, and love the other or else he will hold to the one; and despise the other. Ye can not serve God and mam-mon.

We have to remember that we are either serving God or the enemy. There is no serving God and self, for it is written...

Revelations 3:15-16 I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot; I would thou were cold or hot. So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my mouth.

It is plain and clear, we cannot be ½ way or as my mom used to say, ride the fence with God. Of course you are better when serving God for He is the one who keeps all things well. God loves us so much and He does it all for us. What is amazing to me is that He makes it so that we all wake up in the morning and go about our day regardless of whom we serve for the enemy has no power – God has all power. The thing for me is that God keeps me in peace and joy when all else around me is bad, no one but Jesus keeps me in my perfect peace. I look at the things God does for me and He does so much, for I feel so unworthy but I praise God for His favor. So many times we look at God's favor/blessings in material ways, we need to remember that God's favor/blessings can be material things but the best favor/blessings come to us in spiritual blessings/favor, I will take peace and joy over money, new cars, and new things. We have to stop thinking about blessings and favor in the material ways. So many are preaching "prosperity" sermons and though that is nice that is not what God is all about, the message of "serve God & get rich" needs to die. So many people are not hearing the true word of God and I pray for them daily, there are so many are not being led by the Holy Spirit, whom is God. I came across a website that has classified ads for church leaders and positions in the church. I kind of got past the aspect of placing an ad for a pastor or to get church help, but the part that bothered me was the fact that one ad was asking for a music director, the ad said they wanted songs picked prior to service so the words are displayed on the monitor. So what happens if/when the Holy Spirit places another song on the director's heart, will they be fired because the words were not on the monitor? I guess for me to attend a church that is so full of order so that man is in charge of the service and not God, is just not for me. I truly believe being led by the Spirit in all things and pray that more Christians are led that way!

My sisters and brothers let me encourage you to know the word of God, know the voice of God and to FOLLOW IT!!!

1 Peter 1:13-16 Wherefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought unto you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; As obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance: But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.

How do we live holy, we live holy by surrounding ourselves with things that are Holy. We are to have our thoughts on Jesus, have our minds on Jesus.

Psalm 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O LORD, my strength, and my redeemer.

We are trying to live a life of holiness and wonder why our lives are in turmoil, we are holding onto old things, we are doing old things and not letting go. We are still living in the world and not letting go. God has said that we are not to be of this world. We are not to hold onto those things of this world. We are to surround ourselves of things that improve our relationship with the Lord. I know that a lot of us do not think changing our dress or what we listen to in music or what we watch on television makes a difference, but it does. We surround ourselves of things that are of the world, such as the television shows we watch, the music we listen to, and the places that we go. We are saying to ourselves that I am a Christian and it does not matter because "I know who I am", but does the world know who you are?

We as Christians need to take a stand and speak loud. We should not bite our tongues at work when things come up and Christian views are needed, I said needed, does not mean it is wanted but needed. Why should we sit and talk to our friends at work about God and whisper what we are saying. They do not whisper about their night out of drinking with their friends, we should not whisper about how wonderful and Holy Spirit filled church was on Sunday. I am so tired of biting my tongue and sitting back saying the politically correct thing – THOSE DAYS ARE OVER – We should speak the truth – the truth about God.

We are allowing ministers and pastors to fill our heads up with prosperity this and wealth that, not that we can not have these things, but what happened to the sermons telling us that if we do not live right we are going to hell. Those sermons are gone because we are now in a place where Christians want to "feel good". They do not want to hear that having sex and not being married is wrong, they do not want to know that yelling and cussing at people is wrong, they do not want to know that going on the internet and sneaking around on their wife/husband is wrong, they do not want to know that lying is wrong. They do not want to know the truth. What do some pastors do, they give them what they want to hear to keep the money rolling in.

Matthew 16:24-28 Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it. For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul? For the Son of man shall come in the glory of his Father with his angels; and then he shall reward every man according to his works. Verily I say unto you, There be some standing here, which shall not taste of death, till they see the Son of man coming in his kingdom.

Why is it okay to allow pastors to live double lives, to stand before us giving us the word of God and not even remotely trying to live it. We are held accountable for each other; it is our responsibility to help each other. Why are we not holding those that say they are Christians accountable for their actions? If a pastor is gay, or sleeping with tons of women in the church, forgive him, love him but sit him down until things are worked out. What is so wrong with that, some churches – not all – still do that – if a young man appeared to be gay – the mothers of the church stepped in to talk to his parents and to him in love.

We are required to love one another but that does not mean we accept the behavior – we love the person and rebuke the behavior.

So many times I have heard, well I am not an "in the face Christian" or "I am not one to say anything" – well who should? We have to stand up for Jesus as He stood up for us. We have to stop the madness that is going on in churches. We have to remember that the street is for the street – we did not use to rely on the music to get people to come to church – going to church was not going to see a show. The music that we hear at church is to usher in the spirit of the Lord, not the multitude of people. We are conforming to the world and inviting the enemy into service. One minister preach about how some ministers are using the language/slang of today to reach the young people. Why it that we are conforming to the world, the world should be conforming to us! We should be setting the example for the world, the world should respect the church and its members but it is not doing so. Why? If our lives reflected a light in the dark world and not being dark as the world or if our talk reflected one of love and Jesus, and if our dress reflected that of someone holy, and if we were a shining example of Jesus in all manners in our lives, we would draw men unto Jesus, as He said we would. We are the light of this world and we are to live the life so that those that see us will want to know more about Jesus. We will encourage them to attend a church that is preaching the word of God. When they attend the church, the preached word will pierce their hearts and change their ways. We have become too laid back in our ways of reaching out to those in need, but why is that? It is because of us!!!

So many times we allow those things in our past to have a hold on us, once you have come to Jesus and repented of your past and committed your life to Jesus – let it go move on past it. Do not allow it to occupy your mind. You are allowing the enemy to work on you and move you in ways that you should not move. I had a conversation with a friend of mine; we have to stop "fitting" Jesus into our lives and make Him the head of our lives. We have to stop reciting the word of God and live the word of God. Is it easy, nope – it is hard, but God is with us and He shall never leave nor forsake us.

So many times I heard or read that people are seeking God and can not hear Him. If you are seeking God and not hearing God, turn off the world around you. Turn off the music, put the kids to bed, turn off the television, and turn off the cell phone. Get down on the floor and turn over your heart – block out the world and let Jesus come in and DO NOT MOVE UNTIL HE DOES. You need to have the desire in your heart to hear His voice speaking to you. We have to be still to hear Jesus speaking to us. We have to listen when He is speaking. We have to really stop fitting God into our lives and give complete control to Him. It is much easier than it sounds and you know you are on the right path when all kinds of things come up against you when you go to spend time alone with the Lord. Rebuke the enemy when that happens and call on Jesus. All the pain, all the hurt, all the fear and all the misery will leave you, we are our biggest problem. If we can commit to going to work every day, why can't we commit to going to the Lord all the time? If we can commit to going to the gym, why can't we commit to going to the Lord all the time? If we can commit going to get our hair/nails done, why can't we commit to spending time with the Lord every day? We can acknowledge God is who takes care of us, but we cannot acknowledge Him in our every day life. You want a better life, you want things to stop bothering you, you want the things of this world to just roll off your back, you want the pain of the past to be gone, you want to forgive yourself and be a better person, you want to live the scriptures and not just recite them, then commit your life to the Lord completely – HAVE A RELATIONSHIP with the Lord, the kind of relationship that you do not do a thing without Him. We think God is not going to hear us – God hears us but sometimes we need to hear ourselves first!! There are tons of scriptures that I can give but let me challenge you on this...

Want a better relationship with the Lord...want to know Jesus' voice when you hear it...want a better life...do this...

Spend at least an hour when your wake up in the morning and at least an hour before going to bed praying, reading the word and just worshiping the Lord. Humm an hour, well look rearrange things, give up the television, or the extra hour of sleep – manage your day. You will feel so much better in your life. Mind you, the enemy is going to hate this and start to come at you – IGNORE IT!! Keep praising God and keep doing the hour. God will bless you with His presence and His peace!! I know that He will because He did it for me

There is going to come a time when Jesus comes back and takes some of us up – I pray that you are in that number. I am praying that I am in that number. God is good and the things that He provides for us is just so awesome so I know that being with Him for all eternity has to be beyond my wildest hopes and dreams.

Why is it so hard to do what God says to do? Why do we fight so much against the will of God? Hummm...it is plain and simple in the bible...

Ephesians 6:11-13 11 Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. 12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.13 Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

Remember when we are coming up against things – we have to remember that we are not coming up against the person, we are not coming against the issue, we are not coming up against world but we are coming up against the enemy. So that person in our face making us angry, hurting us, or just being mean is not the person, it is the person being used by the enemy. The enemy that is coming at us. So how do we fight the enemy? We fight the enemy with the word of God, with the love of Jesus, with the power of the Lord.

What does that all mean, it means we have to be in the word – we have to know God for ourselves. We cannot rely on what others say to us. I remember someone saying to me Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I used to listen to people say that and think okay fine, but once I started having a relationship with the Lord by following...

Proverbs 3:5-6 5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. 6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

Matthew 6:33-34 33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. 34 Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

I have found that I stopped attending church and playing church and have begun to worshiping the Lord and fellowshipping with my sisters and brothers in church. I love my church family for it is encouraging to attend church service and praise God with people who love the Lord with their whole heart. I thank God for my church home and kind of sad about having to leave it one day, but I am getting a solid foundation in the word by attending my home church and I know that God will bless.

We have to be mindful of what we are taught by our pastors, ministers, speakers, and teachers. We have to listen to the words that are coming out of people and then grab the bible to read it for ourselves. When the pastor/minister/speaker is speaking and giving scripture write it down, write down what they are talking about. When you go back later and read the entire chapter that the verses are located in, you can see for yourself if they were using the scripture in the right context, that my dear friends is called studying the word. We are to study for ourselves to know God. Jesus said that His people would know His voice, well remember this...

John 10:25-30 25 Jesus answered them, I told you, and ye believed not: the works that I do in my Father's name, they bear witness of me. 26 But ye believe not, because ye are not of my sheep, as I said unto you. 27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me: 28 And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. 29 My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father's hand. 30 I and my Father are one.

We are to know His voice so that we do not follow those that are not in line with the Lord. We have to study His word. He tells us over and over again of false prophets, people who are not sent by Him. We have to have a relationship with God.

1 John 4 1 Beloved, believe not every spirit, but try the spirits whether they are of God: because many false prophets are gone out into the world. 2 Hereby know ye the Spirit of God: Every spirit that confesseth that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God: 3 And every spirit that confesseth not that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is not of God: and this is that spirit of antichrist, whereof ye have heard that it should come; and even now already is it in the world. 4 Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. 5 They are of the world: therefore speak they of the world, and the world heareth them. 6 We are of God: he that knoweth God heareth us; he that is not of God heareth not us. Hereby know we the spirit of truth, and the spirit of error.

To know the voice of God means we have to have a relationship with God. We have to know Him for ourselves, not by what others tell us, but for ourselves.

We have to stop "playing saved" and live saved. We have to stop with the excuses for ourselves and others but hold each other accountable. We have to remember that we are to live holy as He lived holy. He would not ask this of us if we could not do it. We have to surround ourselves with things that are holy without surrounding ourselves with things of the flesh. Turn off that music and radio and talk to the Lord instead, turn off the television and open the bible. Turn off the lights and fall on your face and humble yourself – commit to Jesus with all your heart!

2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

It is very important to remember that He is talking to His people, we are His people, we are called by His name – we are to humble ourselves and pray, seek Him, and turn from our wicked ways. The order of this is very important. When we are approaching God we need to be humble, we must pray, and seek Him, AND turn from our wicked ways. We have to turn from our wicked ways but we cannot do that without Him. We need the strength of the Lord to turn from our wicked ways. What are our wicked ways...?

Ephesians 5:3-8 3 But fornication, and all uncleanness, or covetousness, let it not be once named among you, as becometh saints; 4 Neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor jesting, which are not convenient: but rather giving of thanks. 5 For this ye know, that no whoremonger, nor unclean person, nor covetous man, who is an idolater, hath any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6 Let no man deceive you with vain words: for because of these things cometh the wrath of God upon the children of disobedience. 7 Be not ye therefore partakers with them. 8 For ye were sometimes darkness, but now are ye light in the Lord: walk as children of light:

1 Corinthians 6:8-10 8 Nay, ye do wrong, and defraud, and that your brethren. 9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, 10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God

Galatians 5:20-21 20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies, 21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.

Well that covers them all and it is plain that if you are a partaker in any of that – you shall not inherit the kingdom of God. So many are following the new thing that God will forgive you – yes God is a forgiving God but once you know the truth you are expected to abide by it not excuse your living with it. We have to understand that it does not say if you do some of this or all of this, if you do any of those things, you will not inherit the kingdom of God. You can go to church every single day but if you are committing adultery, you are not going to inherit the kingdom. That means you are to live a Holy life – a holy life in Jesus! We need to stop making excuses for ourselves.

I know that I want to see Jesus' face so that means that I have to live as He wants me to live – which is holy, so that means I need to have a relationship with Him to do so. I want to encourage you to look at your relationship with the Lord and look at how you react to things, are you always becoming extremely angry, easily to angry, no patience, no understanding, fussing at those around you, and filled with worry, stressed out? If you are – you need to get closer to the Lord. Jesus will take it all for us, as the song says Jesus Paid It All, He did not just pay some of it, part of it or just a little bit – He paid it all!!! Praise God for we are healed and we are blessed! God is with us but are we with God!!! If we are – stand! I am not ashamed of the Jesus for if I am ashamed now, He will be ashamed of me on judgment day!!!

Holiness is not an option for the growing Christian.

It is so amazing how many Christians will excuse away their current lifestyles, saying that God will understand. My heart goes out to all those that are not even attempting to flee temptation and walk as God called us to walk, Holy! There are so many that say that we cannot do that, so why try, or that God did not call us to do it. These are the same Christians that I see who are struggling every day with the simple things of life. If you allow yourself to be in the world and of the world, then you are going to struggle with things that you should not struggle.

We have come to the point of taking the scriptures and turning them to suit what is going on in a person's life. It is a shame how we excuse our lifestyles to fit what WE want to do into what we BELIEVE God wants us to do.

God is a wonderful, AWESOME, and loving God, but He is a just God. If we continue to walk as we see fit and not as God sees fit, we are going to go to that ugly pit of Hell along with the enemy for all eternity.

Some people believe that the enemy is not real, or that we will not go to Hell if we just believe in Jesus. It says in God's word that if you do not follow His commandments, if you do not live holy, if you are of the world and not of Him, headed to Hell.

Now let us say that I am wrong and misinterpreting the word of God, if it was as easy as saying I believe and half way trying live right, what is the point of Jesus coming to save us from our sins, He would have been wasting His time. He would just have sent a message saying, "Try to be good and I will bring you home to me" If that is the case why tell us to live the life that He wants us to live. If you love the Lord, we are to follow all His commandments and trust in the Lord for all things.

We are so quick to excuse our walk in this life with the mistakes by saying it is okay – NO IT IS NOT OKAY! We are to stop the sin, repent and STOP DOING IT! Many people love David because of all the errors he made and God still loved him. Well, David made many BIG errors and God still loved him, for David repented and NEVER REPEATED THAT SIN AGAIN.

Let us say that you are sleeping with a man that is not your husband, realize that it is wrong – STOP IT, REPENT, AND NEVER DO IT AGAIN. If you keep sleeping with him, then you are not sorry for that sin. Why is it we do not accept that behavior from people we know, but expect God to accept that. We will kick friends to the curb for minor things that they do that offend us, we will spank our children for not listening to us because we told them the same thing repeatedly, yet they still do it. WHAT ABOUT GOD! We do this to Him and then excuse it away saying God is good and loving, He will never make us pay for He loves us too much.

My dear friend that is the enemy coming at you once again, you need to read the word of God again. People died in the Old and New Testament for not listening to the direction that God has given. If your heart is not in the right place, then you are not going to even begin to live as God wants you to live. If you are not studying the word of God for yourself, instead relying on the message preached on Sunday you are not going to live, as God wants you to live. If you do not stop, doing all those things that you KNOW is wrong you are not going to live, as God wants you to live. We have to remember that we are to live, as God wants us to do.

God did not say serve Him with half of your heart, He said serve Him with all of your heart. If you serve God with all of your heart, you will be able to resist those things that are not of God. If you fall down, sure, we will get up, but we have to repent and never do it again. God did not tell us these things if we cannot do it. Jesus is coming back, prepare your heart and live your life as if He is standing in front of you because He is!

We should live our lives, as God wants us to do. We are in the world but should not be of the world and should "separate" ourselves accordingly.

I Peter 1:14-16 As obedient children, not fashioning yourselves according to the former lusts in your ignorance: But as he which hath called you is holy, so be ye holy in all manner of conversation; Because it is written, Be ye holy; for I am holy.

Romans 12:1-3 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. For I say, through the grace given unto me, to every man that is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think; but to think soberly, according as God hath dealt to every man the measure of faith.

I have talked to a few Christians that believe that "come as you are" is how we are to be for the rest of our lives in Christ. It is true that Jesus accepts us for who we are but we have to make sure that we are building a relationship with the Lord and as we build a relationship with Him, we will find ourselves changing. We will find that our desire is to please God and not please man or ourselves. We will find that our way of thinking and how we perceive things will change; we will find that we are growing. We will grow from babes in the Lord to stronger faith, stronger relationship in the Lord.

I have heard people say, "Jesus is working on me". Yes, Jesus is working on all of us, but we have to strive to live a holy life. God would not say that we could if we could not do so.

We are to stand out and be different as both verses above state; we are to live holy as a living sacrifice. We are not to say we love Jesus, and continue to get drunk, do drugs, sleep with people who are not our spouses, cuss/swear, smoke cigarettes, talk about each other, lie, cheat, beat each other down with our words and actions. Husbands should love their wives and not beat them up; wives should treat their husband as the man God has called them to be. Parents are to parent their children and children are to obey their parents. These things should stop, as we get closer to God the more we want them to change.

When I hear someone excuse away something that they are doing, that means to me that they are not ready to give up that fleshy part of their lives and that they need to get closer to God. I hear people say that we fall short in God, and we do, but that should not be the excuse as to why we do what we do. We are to fight against the fleshy things and move towards the love of Jesus.

The changes in my life that has me trying to walk as God would have me to walk...

How my dress code, Submission to the Lord and Future Husband all came to work together...

I think back to July 17, 2005 when I walked to the front of the church and committed my life to walk with Jesus. I did not have any dresses so I went to church in pants; I came as I was, but the minute I had money to buy some clothes to wear to church, I went out and bought dresses to wear. Now I wear only dresses and skirts. I believe that for me, it keeps me where I need to be in the Lord and always mindful that I am a lady. Now that is me and what I feel is right with my walk in the Lord. I have come to realize that in my pants, I was more masculine and not willing to give up that "independence" that I had within myself. I am a strong believer that a woman should submit herself to her husband as if for nothing else, someone has to be in charge, two people cannot be in charge. I know many women do not feel that way and are married, but someone has to be in charge and in my readings of the bible, that person is the man, as he is the head of the household. Therefore, as I get closer to the Lord and the more I submit myself to the Lord, the easier in my mind it seems to submit myself unto my future husband. My mindset in that manner has changed, all from changing my dress and submitting myself to the Lord.

How I have perceived presenting my body as a living sacrifice to God...

I do not know about you but Romans 12:1-3 speaks volumes to me. As I started studying the word of God and attending church service on a sincere level, I have come to see that we are to present ourselves correctly to God.

I came to God again, in July of 2005 but I did not come to have a relationship with the Lord until the end of February 2006. I had been through some things at that point, and was still seeking the truth and something to satisfy the desires that I had inside of me for answers to my life. Therefore, I attend church on more consistent bases; I read the word of God more and prayed more. I was getting closer to the Lord and striving for His will for me.

I found that I could not listen to secular music any more – none of it for it was not glorifying to God. I know that some find that there is nothing wrong with it and that is their choice for them but I personally do not see how I can live my life holy and still listen to it. Most songs are self-glorifying. If they are not singing about the glory of God and to His glory, I do not want to listen to it. I have even got to the point that some music, which is considered gospel music, I do not listen to because it is not glorifying to God but the person singing it. (Sorry, I just cannot get into any artist who uses old songs and tries to mix in gospel words to it – just does not sound like a song of gospel to me.) For me, I cannot live holy half way, I have to strive to live holy 100% and God did not say it would be easy to do so.

I have found that I cannot watch a lot of television any more because it does nothing but waste my time. I have found that I am more active in trying to find good things for my son and myself to do. I spend more time writing about the Lord and seeking His face.

I used to smoke cigarettes, and after 25 years of smoking cigarettes and three years of smoking 2 packs a day, the Lord delivered me from smoking. I used to drink wine and cuss up a storm, but God has changed my desires to start acting like the woman that He has called me to be. I know that many Christians think that drinking wine is all right and maybe for them it is. I know that we are not to be drunk on anything and since I know for me that all it takes is one drink, I stay away from it. I find it funny that people see issues with smoking but have no problem with wine. By the way, Jesus may have made the wine but it did not say that He drank it and became intoxicated on it.

Here I say I still have "flesh issues" and used to say God is not done with me yet on.

I am striving to be holy and to live my life according to the will of God and I am thankful that He is with me always despite my stupid ways. I have some serious areas that need to be worked on and pray that I kill the flesh inside of me and allow God to shine through me. I know that it has improved and I need to pray and fast on these things to get to where I need to be. I have a temper that is out of this world when I do not feel well or when I am tired. It is one of the major things that I need to stop giving into and turn over to God. I am not sitting here saying God is not through with me yet or excusing it away. I know it is a problem and I know that the problem starts with me. I thank God for having the patience to deal with me in this area and I pray that I stop being stubborn and give it all over to Him as He wants me to do so. I know that the more I seek His face, the closer to Him I will get and the more I will see a change in me in the areas that need changed! So please continue to lift me up in prayer and remember to stop excusing yourself and live up to what God wants in your life. If you take a step towards Him, He will be there with you every single step of the way!

Be mindful

Philippians 4:8-9 "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you."

Be mindful of what you put on your mind, you are your environment. If you are listening to music full of sexual manner, no wonder your thoughts are thinking of what you could do to that cutie pie you see. Now of course some of it is our human nature, my point is to surround yourself with things of Holiness, as these things will help you resist temptations that come your way.

Many people keep putting off church until tomorrow and putting off getting to know God. People take for granted that we have tomorrow to get our lives together. None of us are promised tomorrow, none of us are promised not only tomorrow, the next hour, the next minute, or the next second. We have to stop living like there is plenty of time later to get to know Jesus. We should live each day as if our Lord and Savior are coming back that day. We do not know when He is coming and those that are telling us that they know when He is coming – they are lying to you. No one knows the hour or the day that He will come again. We need to live each day as if He is standing in front of us asking us what we are doing. We need to live our lives like we are thankful to have another day to love each other, to have God love us and walk with us – in our hearts. We need to live each day as if it is our last day to show Jesus how much we love him, does not matter how we feel or what we are going through, we need to just live our lives as if He is standing right there in front of us. So many times I think that I have forgotten what I learned from Him, some of the things that He has shown me, I have let myself forget, instead of embracing it and loving the life that I have and I am living. I am learning more each day to appreciate all that He shows me and all that He has provided for me. I think that we sometimes forget all that He does for us, I think that is important for us not to forget that, but sometimes life has it so just do not pay attention – we need to pay attention to all that Jesus does for us and to be happy with life as it is and thankful that He has does supply all our needs!! I am not sure where God will lead us and where He is taking us, but we need to let Him take us there and to appreciate all that He gives us and all that life gives us. God will direct our steps and move us where He wants us to be moved to if we allow Him to direct our lives. We have to not just go and do – we need to listen to what God says to do. We need to learn to stop and listen to what the Lord says. If we are unsure of what He says we need to stop and not move until we truly hear from Him.

I will leave you with this...please see life with the BIG PICTURE frame and do not look at life to the tip of your nose; you just might miss something spectacular!!!! God has shown me the Big Picture of my life because life does not stop at the tip of my nose, we have to remember as Christians there is more to living for Christ than what is in front of our faces, God knows all before it is even into existence, He has a plan and direction for our lives and sometimes we will miss out on the blessings of life if we limit ourselves with the blinders of life and thinking inside the box, we need to live outside the box and we have to have open vision to see His vision of our lives!!! I encourage each of you to stop and listen to His call on your life and may you allow God to guide and direct your every move!!!!

Psalm 118

O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: because his mercy endureth for ever. Let Israel now say, that his mercy endureth for ever. Let the house of Aaron now say, that his mercy endureth for ever. Let them now that fear the LORD say, that his mercy endureth for ever. I called upon the LORD in distress: the LORD answered me, and set me in a large place.

The LORD is on my side; I will not fear: what can man do unto me? The LORD taketh my part with them that help me: therefore shall I see my desire upon them that hate me. It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in man. It is better to trust in the LORD than to put confidence in princes. All nations compassed me about: but in the name of the LORD will I destroy them. They compassed me about; yea, they compassed me about: but in the name of the LORD I will destroy them. They compassed me about like bees: they are quenched as the fire of thorns: for in the name of the LORD I will destroy them. Thou hast thrust sore at me that I might fall: but the LORD helped me. The LORD is my strength and song, and is become my salvation. The voice of rejoicing and salvation is in the tabernacles of the righteous: the right hand of the LORD doeth valiantly.

The right hand of the LORD is exalted: the right hand of the LORD doeth valiantly. I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD. The LORD hath chastened me sore: but he hath not given me over unto death. Open to me the gates of righteousness: I will go into them, and I will praise the LORD: This gate of the LORD, into which the righteous shall enter. I will praise thee: for thou hast heard me, and art become my salvation. The stone which the builders refused is become the head stone of the corner. This is the LORD's doing; it is marvellous in our eyes. This is the day which the LORD hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. Save now, I beseech thee, O LORD: O LORD, I beseech thee, send now prosperity. Blessed be he that cometh in the name of the LORD: we have blessed you out of the house of the LORD. God is the LORD, which hath shewed us light: bind the sacrifice with cords, even unto the horns of the altar. Thou art my God, and I will praise thee: thou art my God, I will exalt thee. O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 9

Alissa Lynne's Truths – Encouragement

This day...

Today is a new day and though troubles will come our way, or things from the past keep creeping up, let us forget about it and move on in the newness of life.

The enemy wants to get you to hold onto those thoughts that do not allow you to move forward, he wants to keep you in your past because as long as you are there, you cannot move forward.

I am thankful this day that God will send a word to us via someone that we know or do not know that will remind us to let go and let God. I know that it seems hard to do that but God is all that we need, we do not need to hold onto that pain, that doubt, that fear, that disbelief, that hurt, that misunderstanding. We need to release it and allow God to give us increase of faith, trust, love, patience, joy, peace, and so much more that He has for us.

I thank God for this day because we can look in the mirror and say NO MORE! I will not allow the enemy to make me think of the negative NO MORE! I will not allow the enemy to fill my head with things that are not of God, NO MORE will I give into my flesh and do things that I know are against God, NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE! I shall stand for Jesus NO MATTER WHAT!

My friends in Christ – we are not alone, we have each other, we have the love of Jesus in our hearts and remember WE ARE MORE THAN CONQUERS! There is nothing too hard for God so there is nothing impossible in Jesus! Reach up, look up, and bow down to the Lord and know that He is God and in all things – we shall overcome!

No matter what comes your way, no matter what anyone says, no matter how you feel, no matter what is done to you or for you, or what is not done

REMEMBER THIS....

Jesus is just a call away - when you call on the name of Jesus things happen - trust, believe and have faith that the Lord is with you every single step of the way and that no matter what is going on in your life - God is with you always! Things may look bad but that is just the enemy trying to get you to doubt in the Lord, stand tall and know that God is God no matter what!

We are MORE THAN CONQUERS! Praise the Lord - we are more than that! God bless

**Isaiah 12:1-6**

_And in that day thou shalt say, O LORD, I will praise thee: though thou wast angry with me, thine anger is turned away, and thou comfortedst me. Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the LORD JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation. Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation. And in that day shall ye say, Praise the LORD, call upon his name, declare his doings among the people, make mention that his name is exalted. Sing unto the LORD; for he hath done excellent things: this is known in all the earth. Cry out and shout, thou inhabitant of Zion: for great is the Holy One of Israel in the midst of thee._

I am learning that our joy in Jesus penetrates deep into our heart/soul. I have been blessed to know Jesus as my Lord & Savior – I am blessed to be led by His direction and love. I am blessed with His Holy presence in my life.

He brings joy to my very heart and soul. This joy is deep inside of me; it sits here and grows more and more everyday.

In the joy I have in the Lord, there is peace, love, and faith. There are days when things seem so hard but when I think of the goodness of Jesus and all He has done for me – my heart is full of joy. Jesus renews me with joy that goes deep into my heart and I praise Him always.

I have found that the joy that I have brings such peace to my very being. It may be a shouting joy from time to time, but it is mostly just the joy of knowing that nothing that comes against me will prosper, that no matter what happens in my life – Jesus is there. I am so far from where I could be with the Lord, but I take joy in the fact that each day I am growing closer to Him and closer to Him. My prayer and praise life has changed....sometimes I hear satan trying to convince me that my love for Jesus is fake, and I question things in my life and things I do...but I realized that is satan trying to still my joy...he knows that the Joy of Jesus is deep down in your heart/soul and that the only way it will leave is if we allow it. I have been praising God long enough to know...when the praises go up the blessings come down. Some ministers preach that and make it sound like all your material wishes comes true, well sure in some cases it is material...but there is nothing like the joy, love, peace, faith, kindness of Jesus that comes down that surpasses all things. My pastor preached once on Romans 8:28-39 – so many times we concentrate on verse 28 and that is a great comfort and it soothes my soul...but we need to read past that

_Romans 8:37-39 37_ _Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us._ **38** _For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come,_ **39** _Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord._

After reading this, the kind of joy that I have is such a blessing to me for I know that it will never go anywhere...nothing can separate me from the love of God! So when things come at you and someone is trying to still the joy you have in your heart/soul...remember that nothing can separate us from God...the only one that can do that is us!!! Even if we were to walk away from Him, His word is true, He will never leave nor forsake us and never walk away from us. So hold on and just let that joy stir inside of you and grow even more...you know what I say...PRAISE HIM!!!!!

**Psalm 51:10-13**

_Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee._

Joy by the dictionary definition is: the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying, keen pleasure, elation, a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight, something or someone greatly valued or appreciated, the expression or display of glad feeling, a state of happiness or bliss.

Okay, try this on for size, just my own thoughts – not biblical that I know of...

We have the **love** of Jesus – He **loves** us for who we are – we in return start **loving** Jesus for all He is to us, which starts our belief and **Faith** in Him, we begin to acquire **Peace** in Jesus, which brings such **Joy** to our hearts, spirit, and in turn our lives. Yes I sit around thinking this stuff up...it is part of my "Peace and Quiet" time that I have with Jesus in the mornings or late at night.

I love the joy that Jesus gives us...you know the song...I got Joy Joy Joy Joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart...there is no one like Jesus...think about it...the love, His faithfulness, the peace and now the joy!!!! God is so good to us...I am so thankful to Jesus for all that He gives to me inside of my spirit...sure the material things are nice but nothing beats HIS LOVE, HIS FAITHFULNESS, HIS PEACE AND HIS JOY!!!!!!

**I John 3:1-3** _Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God: therefore the world knoweth us not, because it knew him not. Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is. And every man that hath this hope in him purifieth himself, even as he is pure._

_Love of God – we have the love of God with us. Everyone who believes and does not believe has the love of God with them. As you read this think about your times before you committed to a relationship with the Lord, now think about your life with a relationship with the Lord. Don't you see the love of God through both phases? God is God and there is none above Him. God has shown us His love before we were saved, why do we think He is going to stop once we are saved. I love the way God shows me the things that He did for me before I started having a relationship with Him. He had a relationship with me from the moment I was conceived; He has a relationship with me before the creation of the world. I think about how I was going through things prior to Jesus and how I go through them now. God sends calmness about the situation and I realize that there is no need to complain, there is no need to_ _fret. He kept me before my commitment to Him as He had a commitment to me already – God is with us and shall never leave us. Remember He was with you before you were even you! God Bless_

**I John 3:11-14** _For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another. Not as Cain, who was of that wicked one, and slew his brother. And wherefore slew he him? Because his own works were evil, and his brother's righteous. Marvel not, my brethren, if the world hate you. We know that we have passed from death unto life, because we love the brethren. He that loveth not his brother abideth in death_

God wants to be your first choice,

not your last resort.

Author Unknown

How do you praise God through it all?

Have you ever had a bad day and just call on the name of Jesus? Did any thing happen? Did your mood change at all? If not, where was your heart when you were calling out to the Lord?

Psalm 57

1 Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: for my soul trusteth in thee: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. 2 I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me. 3 He shall send from heaven, and save me from the reproach of him that would swallow me up. Selah. God shall send forth his mercy and his truth. 4 My soul is among lions: and I lie even among them that are set on fire, even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows, and their tongue a sharp sword. 5 Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens; let thy glory be above all the earth. 6 They have prepared a net for my steps; my soul is bowed down: they have digged a pit before me, into the midst whereof they are fallen themselves. Selah. 7 My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed: I will sing and give praise. 8 Awake up, my glory; awake, psaltery and harp: I myself will awake early. 9 I will praise thee, O Lord, among the people: I will sing unto thee among the nations. 10 For thy mercy is great unto the heavens, and thy truth unto the clouds. 11 Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: let thy glory be above all the earth.

We have a tendency to want God to fix things the minute we call on Him, and some times, we do not get that response, as we want it. We will say that He is not listening to us or think that we are not doing it right. Sometimes it is where our hearts are when we call on Him. When we are calling on Him, do we trust Him, as we call on Him or do we want to see evidence of His moving first, before we trust Him? We need to be sincere with Him.

We can call on the Lord and He will be there, but we should have our minds on the Lord before, during, and after we have called on Him. How do we keep our minds on Jesus when so much is coming at us in our every day life? We can pray without ceasing, we can talk to the Lord all day long every day. We are to not stop thinking about the Lord and what He has done for us.

I am learning to reach out to others and talk about the Lord with them. There are people who choose to keep to themselves and that is fine for them, but I have to reach out to feel more. I know that I can call people to talk about the Lord and that in turn encourages my spirit and helps me move forward in the Lord. I know that I can turn on certain songs and start singing them and my mood changes. I know that I can just lay flat on the floor and pray to God until my mood changes.

We have to know our hearts to know what brings us closer to God and then follow it through. In having a relationship with the Lord and calling out to Him by trusting Him and Him alone, you will know what will get you closer to Him. God will direct you and you will be looking to Him more and truly not stress.

We have to work on our relationship with the Lord so that no matter what comes at us, death, hungry, losses of any kind or just plain depression will not "hurt" as much because you know that it will pass and that God is in charge.

I am really thankful to God for all that He does for me and I pray that each of you come to know that despite what life throws at you, that if you find your praise for the Lord, you will come through stronger.

Philippians 4:18-20 But I have all, and abound: I am full, having received of Epaphroditus the things which were sent from you, an odour of a sweet smell, a sacrifice acceptable, wellpleasing to God. But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus. Now unto God and our Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen

We are sometimes guarding ourselves so much that we do not allow God to do for us what He needs to do. I know that God is trying to get me to let go of things that are not of Him. God reminds me of the things that need to be changed. I have to let it go and give it to God. I have the habit of holding onto some baggage that is not good for me and I am thanking God that each day I learning to let go more and more. I have been blessed to see so much of my life before me and still hold my head high, pleased with my life. There was a time that I looked at my life and saw nothing that pleased me about me. Jesus came into my life and the same things that I was not pleased with He showed me that they were actually something to be pleased about and the things that really were not pleasant He is showing me and helping me to realize that I need to get rid of that. I am thankful for God's patience that He has with me. It is amazing that I do not have a high tolerance of patience but He has such patience with me that I am sometimes ashamed of my own behavior so I am learning to be more patience with those around me. I can see God moving in my life and His direction for me. I can feel and see a transition headed my way and I know through prayer I will make it through this transition.

Sometimes when I allow me to do what I should not be doing – which is trying to figure things out for myself – I have learned that is not where God is sending me. I have before tried to figure things out with the Lord and where I am headed – but God had something else in mind and it is always better than what I could imagine. I am not going to guess what is coming; of course, I know there are plenty of options that can happen. I know that God is in charge and will be in charge too. I am a child of God and no weapon formed against me shall prosper and all things work together for my good. I know that no matter what happens that God is in charge and He will work it according to His will – not by my will at all. God is good to me in all aspects of my life I am thankful for what I am blessed with and I am content in what I have and if God feels the need to change something – I am not going to stand in the way for when He does things like that – I am always better off in the end!! Praise God – all blessing flow from Him!

Matthew 6:7-9 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking. Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him. After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.

Matthew 6:31-33 Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek :) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

PRAISES TO GOD AT ALL TIMES

God is good...God is with us...Praise God because if it was not for Him, I would have ran last night away from His love for me...Thank God for ministering to my soul today through my son...God ministered to me via my son...God ministered to us...God is with us...I pray that I will not be pigheaded and stubborn and always listen to the voice of God...I praise God for ministering to my heart this morning and His continuous guidance in my life and that fact that He loves me and never leaves me...I praise God for being there with me and for never leaving me...I praise God for just being God...I praise God for being with me and never leaving me...I praise God for touching my life and never letting me go....I praise God for all things that He is doing in my life...I praise God for never leaving for being there even when no one else is there...I praise God for comforting me last night when there was no one to do so...I praise God that I am able to go to Him and He is there for me...I praise God for being God and through Him I have strength...I praise God for being God.....I praise God for loving me....I praise God for keeping me...I praise God for all things in my life – the good, the bad, and the downright ugly....God is the King of my life and I praise God that I can hear Him speaking to me even when it gets dark...I praise God for being with me always!!!!

My sisters and brothers....I cannot express this enough...when we are going through something...we have to praise Him...I do not know who it is...but someone reading this needs to understand that God has not left them...that God is there and nothing and no one is worth walking away from Him...He is right there with you...His arms are open wide for you to run to Him...He is there for you...He loves you....Praise Him and allow Him to just minister to your heart!!! Praise God....Thank you Jesus for being here for all of us and for directing our lives! I am thankful to you for all things in my life...even when it gets dark as it did last night...as long as I hold on...the light comes in the morning...praise God...God is so worthy of all praises!!!!! Hallelujah my sisters and brothers, may we continue to pray one for another and walk as Jesus would have us to walk...let's up lift each other and encourage each other to take a stand with the Lord always and to never walk away from the only person who truly loves us unconditionally. I love you all and may I always be a source of encouragement to those in need and that I will always be encouraged by the love of God through each of you! Praise God....time to shout! HALLELUJAH ALL PRAISES TO GOD... Bow down, worship Him...bow down, and give Him all Glory and Honor! If you believe, close your eyes and worship the Lord...give Him the love that He has given you to worship Him...you were created to worship the Lord!!! I have learned that I have to seek God in all things that I do.

HALLELUJAH! BOW DOWN AND WORSHIP HIM! Oh my brothers and sisters, have you ever had Jesus just come down and ministers to your soul and nothing but joy takes over your whole being...you begin to praise Him and worship Him and not care what or who hears you.... God is just so wonderful and so amazing! PRAISE GOD! I love Jesus and He loves me....I pray that God will touch each of you with His spirit and that you feel the true love of God in your heart...when you do trust me...others are going to think you are nuts!!! It is all right...I will be nuts with ya!

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 10

Alissa Lynne's Truths – Fellowship/Life

Have you ever sat back and thought about your life and wonder if you are headed in the right direction? Have you ever sat back and wondered about the decisions that you have made? Have you ever just said why the heck did I do that? Well, if you have, it is okay to do so but we must let go of the past and move on towards our future. What is our future, our future should be looking towards God and what He would want for our lives. We need to make sure that in all things we are following what God would have us to do. If we look to God and move towards Him and follow His direction, we will not sit around wondering if our life is headed in the right direction, we would not sit around wondering about the decisions that we have made, we would know that we are headed in the right direction and that our lives are on the right track.

"Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

We should really "Let go and Let God". All we have to do is take the first step and hold our hand out for Him. There will be times when He holds our hands and there will be times that He carries us, but He loves us and will lead us in the right direction at all times. When was the last time you talked to God - just open your heart and allow Him to come in and love you as only God can!

Life is too short!

Thinking over my life and the things that have happened to me, I have come to realize that life is too short to be worried about the big and little things. I know that as life throws things at me, nothing comes at me that I cannot handle. Why is that? It is because God never allows things to come at us that we cannot handle. God is always there for us and all we have to do is ask Him to do it. We need to stop and listen to the inner voice inside of us and follow the direction that He leads us in. Many times when I tell people the things that I have been through in my life, some of them due to my own decisions; they wonder how I made it through. I made it because God carried me or held my hand. I am here today to say that all things are possible; all we need is faith and trust in God and in ourselves. I had a self-esteem problem for a very long time, then one day I realized that I was worth it, that I was special, that no matter what life throws at me - I will get through it. When life is at its darkest, God is at His best for us. Just trust and know that through Christ, that all things are possible. We just have to learn to let go and let God.

Helping and Encouraging Others

Romans 15:1-2

King James Version- We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves. Let every one of us please his neighbour for his good to edification.

New International Version - We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please his neighbor for his good, to build him up.

Amplified Bible - WE WHO are strong [in our convictions and of robust faith] ought to bear with the failings and the frailties and the tender scruples of the weak; [we ought to help carry the doubts and qualms of others] and not to please ourselves. Let each one of us make it a practice to please (make happy) his neighbor for his good and for his true welfare, to edify him [to strengthen him and build him up spiritually].

As Christians we are to encourage each other save and unsaved. We are to lift each other up with prayer, encouragement, love and support. We should listen to each other, talk to each other with an uplifting spirit and even sometimes giving more than our time but give our money too. Regardless if the person is saved or not, we are to be a light unto this dark world and we are to shine brightly. We are needed in this world; we are needed more than ever. We need to be vocal about the goodness of the Lord in voice and in actions. God blesses us so that we can be a blessing to others. We are to give to others as God gives to us. We need to give, give, and give some more. When I give my time, encouragement, love, money or skills to someone in need, I am blessed in a way like no other. I am blessed with feeling good for through me – God blessed another. Let us uplift one another in love! Let us truly show the world that we are children of God and show the world how good God is. In all things that we do let us give God all the glory, honor and credit for our lives!

Appreciating Those Around Us

We think about all those in our life past and present. There are so many who have come and gone in our lives, each of them have left some kind of mark on our heart. Some experiences have been so enjoyable and pleasant while others have been dreaded and scary. Each experience with the people around us molds us into who we are today and we should appreciate that aspect of those who have touched our lives. We are to take the bad things along with the good things and to smile and not allow the bad to determine our outcome of our life.

Because I was a victim of different kinds of abuse, I have a habit sometimes of hiding within, not trusting people. I thank God for giving me the courage, knowledge, trust, faith, and love to allow people into my life. Those of us who have been victims of abuse know that we have a tendency to put a "mask" on so those that know us do not know what is going on with us. I was blessed to become aware of the fact that my sisters and brothers do not know me as they know each other or as I know them. At first, I was bothered by this but God showed me that it was not my fault, life circumstances made it that way. Since we all grew up in the same household, my sisters and brothers were not aware of what was going on with the abuse that I was getting. My step father of course wanted it hidden and in essences I thought that I was protecting them by not saying anything and saving them from the same pain that I was going through, well to do that I had to distant myself from them. Well even after the abuse, I still was distant because that is all I knew how to be. It was not until after the death of my mother did I allowed anyone to come close to my heart. I sometimes blame myself for my failed marriage because I never really let him into my heart and maybe if I did things would have been different, but God has blessed me despite the choices I have made in my life.

If you have not taken the time to think about your life and those that have affected you in all ways – take some time to do so. I encourage you to not just to think about those that either hurt/harm you or to think only about those that helped you, but to think of all of them and reflect on how they have helped make you the person that you are today. If there are negative effects from them on your life, ask God to help you change it to positive for all things work together for the good of them that are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28) Do not look at the negative things that life has dealt to you in the negative – remember that God is with us at all times. God is good to us at all times and at all times God is good – so take the time to think about where you are and where you are headed – make sure that you are following the directions that God has mapped out for your life.

**Matthew 22:36-38** _Master, which is the great commandment in the law? Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment._

We are to love one another...regardless of the person's ethic background, regardless of the person's lifestyle, regardless of the person's sex, the persons thoughts and doings...we are to love one another. We are to love each other...so many times we walk past those in need and just shake our heads, we should be reaching out to each other in love and assisting each other in the ways that God would have us to assist. We are to feed the hungry, cloth the naked and minister to each other's souls. Christians and non-believers are to love one another. As a Christian, we never know whom we will inspire by being as God has us to be. The light of the Lord in us should draw others to Jesus. If our lights are dim or gone out...then we need to light them again and worship God as He has asked us to do so. We should be praising and thanking God all the time reaching out to each other in our times of sorrow and in the times of joy. We are all one body in Christ and we should help. I just can not say this enough...we should each be helping our fellow human beings and not just those that are saved but to all that are in need of help for that is what Jesus does and we are to be like Him.

Together for Christ

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 _"Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion, but woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken."_

I ran across these verses and thought – Wow that is a lot to think about. When I read that, I think that we should be there for each other and that we should help each other. I am hoping that we can learn to help each other instead of relying on ourselves. We as Christians should help each other and really be there for each other when needed. We should uplift each other and not bring each other down. We should encourage each other's spirit and growth in the Lord

There are Christians who will hold all the blessings that God has given them to themselves and not share or assistance others and this is not what God would have us to do. We should be there for each other lifting each other and assisting each other. How can we expect Jesus to be there for us in our time of need when our fellow brethren need us and we turn our backs on them? How can we claim to be a Christian never doing as God would have us to do, never helping anyone, and never being there for anyone else. How can we not give the love that Jesus gives us to others, how can we hold that in and never let it go and give it away as He gives it away to us. It feels so good when we let go and love as much as we can. I really believe that the key to it all is the love of Christ and that is what the message of Jesus is – to love one another. If we would do this , there would be so much peace in the world, so much kindness, no hunger, no one would want for anything as we would be there to help each other. I have to say that the section that says, " _And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." –_ that makes me think of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit – a threefold cord. Isn't that wonderful such a great thought!

Guidance for Growing Christians

2 Peter 1:2-11 _"Grace and peace be multiplied to you in the knowledge of God and of Jesus our Lord, as His divine power has given to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of Him who called us by glory and virtue, by which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, that through these you may be partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world through lust. But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."_

For growth as a Christian, we need to surround ourselves with things and people who are in line with Christ. We should have our minds on Christ and to surround ourselves with Christian friends. I am a baby in Christ and I find myself purposely listening to only Gospel music and surround myself with Christian friends, this helps me keep my mind on God. I study the word every day and even write down my thoughts and that helps me so much with keeping God first. In verses 5 and 6, the line up of the different values shows God's perfect way and order of things. "Giving diligence + faith virtue + virtue knowledge + self-control perseverance + perseverance godliness + godliness brotherly kindness + brotherly kindness love" I see that as a progression of a Christian, we need to be diligent and that brings on faith and so forth.

God is really in control, He has perfect order and we should sit back and ask God to input order in our lives. God will order our steps in perfect order! He is so awesome, all we have to do is let go and let Him do His will in our lives. As a newbie in Christ – it is not easy to Let go and Let God, I see "old timers" in Christ struggle with that each day. I am just thankful that I can call on Jesus, He will help me in doing that each day, and when I am weak, He is there for me being strong for me!

Peace and Quiet

_Romans 14:18-19_ _For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men. Let us therefore follow after the things which make for peace, and things wherewith one may edify another._

I am a single mother of one child; it is my son and me. We have others who interact with us, but it is just him and me for now. I spend a lot of time with my son, talking to him, making sure homework is done and he practices his letters and numbers, just like a "Mean Mommy" does. This also includes playing trucks and whatever he wants to play...I thought sending him outside to play would give me some peace and quiet time...but this is not true as to the fact I have to make sure everything is okay and of course whatever he is doing outside, I have to see because there is no one else who can appreciate the traffic jam he created with his trucks like mommy can, sending him to play in his room is the same thing, I have to be available to compliment him on the successful cleaning of his room and other things that he has done.

I used to think before children, two or more children gives the children someone to play with and the parents more free time...that was until my niece and nephews came over to play with Jonathan. The good thing was Jonathan had someone to play with that was not me, but the other side was I had someone coming to me every few minutes telling me...he hit me...or she won't share and so forth...so there goes the peace and quiet.

My son is in the process of learning what mommy means by "Peace and Quiet" – I remember my mom saying how she wanted "Peace and Quiet" in our house, but there was four of us and I know that she did not get it often – for one of us was always home.

I have learned "Peace & Quiet" for me is going into prayer – lying still at night or in the morning – meditating on Jesus. I love the "Peace & Quiet" in the morning, when I first open my eyes in the morning and I do not need to move, that is the ultimate time for me to talk to Jesus for that is my "Peace & Quiet". I hear Him so clear; my thoughts are pure, loving, and appreciative at that time of the day. What a blessing to wake up that way, when you beat the alarm clock even if it is only by ten minutes, use those minutes to talk to Jesus, once you start you will not get out the bed without doing it. There is my "Peace and Quiet" I wonder if my mom ever figured it out...

Light of the World

Matthew 5:14-16 "You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."

We are children of God, we are the light of the world, and the world should see the love of Christ within us. They should see His light shine through us. We should boldly speak of Christ and His goodness to us. We should walk as He would have us. We are to be an example of His love so that others want what we have. We should show calmness, peace, joy, love, and understanding during trials and tribulations, singing His praises and being satisfied that He is handling it.

When I saw someone do that before I accepted Christ in my life, it intrigued me to know how they remained so calm. This in turn had me seeking God's love when I had pain and turmoil all around me. I saw His light shine in someone else and wanted that peace for me that reminds me be careful of what we say and do, as we never know who maybe called to God or hindered because of us! We are to be reflections of Christ so that others see Him in us. If we say we are Christians and in the club on Saturday night, or even as simple as gossiping about our fellow co-worker what light does that show of Christ, it is sure is not a positive one.

Oh one more thing on my heart, do not serve God ½ way. So many times, I have run into Christians, well people who say they are saved and sanctified Christians, they do not attend church services, they are doing bootie calls or have friends with benefits, my heart aches for these Christians, I pray God will convict them, they know God and have chosen to ride the fence or are considered "lukewarm".

It states in Revelations 3:15-21

"I know your works, that you are neither cold nor hot. I could wish you were cold or hot. So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth. Because you say, 'I am rich, have become wealthy, and have need of nothing'—and do not know that you are wretched, miserable, poor, blind, and naked—I counsel you to buy from Me gold refined in the fire, that you may be rich; and white garments, that you may be clothed, that the shame of your nakedness may not be revealed; and anoint your eyes with eye salve, that you may see. As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten. Therefore be zealous and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. To him who overcomes I will grant to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne."

I have a lot of friends who are this way, my thoughts can only convict me, but I know I am seeking God's favor and I may stumble and I may fall but I am still seeking His favor and getting back up.

Forget that man – Praise God Instead

Philippians 4:4-7 Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice. Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Praise God in all things. We are so busy worried about what that man is doing, the man we are dating, the man we are married to, the man we are waiting God to bring to us. We are so busy doing all of that instead of praising God in all things that we do. We are so busy doing whatever we can for every one else but not praising God as we go. We need to praise the Lord when we do not understand, we need to praise God when he did not come home, we need to praise God when we are lying alone and so scared. We need to praise God in all things and stop sitting around feeling sorry for ourselves.

When we praise God the wonders of the Lord comes through. He makes the entire situation all right; He makes things just so wonderful and so great. God is just so awesome. It is not by chance that praising God makes you feel better. Praising God makes you feel better because you are not thinking of you. Whenever we get the concentration off us and place our minds on the Lord, the wonders of God released in our lives. You will see that it does not matter that it was 4 AM and that husband of yours came home. You will not even care for you know that God is handling it. It will not matter that the man you thought God sent you has now walked away from you because some other sister in church cooks better. You will not care for God has changed your heart about the situation anyhow. When we praise God and stop trying to handle things, and we are in line with the word of God - our will becomes His will for our lives. We are blessed to be able to call on the Lord in all things that we do. We need to let the Lord move in our lives and let His direction be the only direction of our lives.

So when we are faced with things that are not so pleasant, praise your way out, if you cannot praise God, call someone and talk to them until you can praise God.

There are times that I have allowed the enemy so deep into my thoughts that I cannot get praise out. I will be on the phone with a friend and just cannot praise God, but they start to praise Him and I might not even respond then but there is something about the way Jesus is and how just mentioning His name can start to break me down. I may not praise right that second but by the end of that day, I start to praise the Lord for all that He does! God is too good not to praise Him in all things.

I leave you with this – there is nothing in the world that can separate us from the love of God. God loves us and His love is the only way.

God Bless my sister and Praise Him and forget that Man!

Romans 8:35-39 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? As it is written, For thy sake we are killed all the day long; we are accounted as sheep for the slaughter. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 11

Alissa Lynne's Truths – The Poems

ALL I NEED

I AM NOT ALONE - I AM NOT AFRAID \- I AM NOT A FAILURE

I AM NOT USELESS - I AM NOT A STATISTIC

I AM NOT DUMB - I AM NOT STUPID - I AM NOT A WASTE

I AM NOT ALONE

I AM LOVED - I AM SPECIAL - I AM MORE THAN A CONQUER

I AM SPECIALLY MADE - I AM HIGHLY FAVORED

I AM NOT FORGOTTEN - I AM NOT FORSAKEN

I HAVE VICTORY

I HAVE PEACE - I HAVE JOY - I HAVE STRENGTH

I HAVE COMPASSION - I HAVE COMPLETENESS

I HAVE GUIDANCE - I HAVE A PURPOSE - I HAVE CLARITY

I HAVE CONVICTION - I HAVE LOVE

**I HAVE JESUS – HE IS ALL I NEED!!!!**

What do you have???

Praise God anyhow – Hallelujah Anyhow

He woke me up this morning

He loves me despite my moods

He loves me despite all I do and do not do

He has patience with me

He knows my name

He is the true and only God

He saved me from eternal death

He has saved me from life threatening situations more than I can count

He is my all in all

He keeps me in my right mind

He is the one who is there when no one else is there

He is my husband, my father, my friend, my life

He is my strength in my time of weakness

He wipes away my tears

He gives me hugs when I need them

He keeps me on the right path

He leads me and helps me to follow

He nudges me when I am not listening

He directs my every path

He is my savior and there is none other like Him

He is my best friend

I am starting to feel better

I am a child of the God and nothing can keep me down

He is merciful

He is grace

He changes me every day

He gives me what I need and what I want

I am going to praise Him for the rest of my life

What God has promised me is mine

He will never leave nor forsake me

God is in the blessing mood every day

I am standing in His light and He will be there for me

God shines on me and He will be with me always

I am loved!

Praise God from whom all blessing flows

Praise God from whom all blessing flows

I AM NOT FORGOTTEN – HE KNOWS ME AND HE WILL NEVER LEAVE NOR FORSAKE ME!!!

In all things, God is my rock and salvation

Praise is what I do!!!! Hallelujah Jesus!!!

**Thank you Jesus**

You have taught me:

The difference between:

Knowing you and having a relationship with you

Thinking for myself and you leading my life

Life and death

Being saved and living saved

Reading the word and studying the word

My voice and your voice

Unloved and being truly loved

You are teaching me every day that you are love, you have shown me how to love, not just myself but to love others as you love me!!

Thank you for continuing to teach me every day more about you

Thank you Jesus for loving me and accepting me just as I am!!!

_I Am Loved_

_As I sit here, I realize that I am loved_

_When I am tired, I am loved_

_When I am grouchy, I am loved_

_When I am angry, I am loved_

_When I am in pain, I am loved_

_When I am suffering, I am loved_

_When I am down, I am loved_

_When I am happy, I am loved_

_When I am silly, I am loved_

_No matter what I am going through or how I feel, I am loved_

_Jesus loves me for whom I am and accepts me as I am. I praise God for all that He does for me each and every day!!!_

Just for today

Just for today, turn it over to Jesus and let Him direct your day

Just for today, do not think of anything negative and be positive in all aspects of your life

Just for today, love all those that you meet

Just for today, sing praises unto the Lord for He is so worthy of all praise

Just for today, pray without ceasing for He hears your every thought

Just for today, trust in the Lord and do not turn back

Just for today, let God control your day

Yesterday is gone, Tomorrow is not promised, and we have to be thankful for this day in the Lord!

Do you love Jesus?

Do you love Jesus?

If the answer is yes – when was the last time you said to Him – I love you Lord.

If the answer is yes – when was the last time did you talk with Him.

If you answer yes – when was the last time you fasted to commune better with him.

If you answer yes – when was the last time you spoke of His goodness?

If you answer yes – when was the last time you praised Him.

If you answer yes – when was the last time you trusted Him in the time of your troubles.

If you answer yes – when was the last time you stood for Him?

If you answer yes – when was the last time you attended church.

If you answer yes – when was the last time you read His word?

If you answer yes – when was the last time you did anything for His glory?

He loves us and is with us always – when was the last time you let Him know that you love Him??

I am blessed and you are blessed!!!

I am blessed with favor of God.

I am blessed for God has angels watching over my son, my home & me

I am blessed for I am in the land of the living!!!

I am blessed for I am highly favored!

I am blessed for God takes care of my every need.

You are blessed with favor of God

You are blessed for God has angels watching over you

You are blessed for you are in the land of the living!!

You are blessed for you are highly favored!

You are blessed for God takes care of your every need.

WE ARE BLESSED!!!!

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Chapter 12

Alissa Lynne's Truths – The Ending & a New Beginning

The Ending and a New Beginning

_At this point, you have read most of my life and some of my thoughts on Jesus. I am praying that you have truly been encouraged thus far. I am blessed to be a child of the Most High God and to know that we are MORE THAN conquers. At this time, I would like to bring you from the beginning of 2006 until the completion of this book._

_As you read, I spend the New Year with my sister and her friends; I did not spend it in church. I was still feeling the effects that my husband did not want me; no matter what I said or did, he did not want me. I was starting to allow the anger to fade and feeling the depression set in yet again. I knew that I did not do that, instead of running to Jesus, I ran back to the world. My birthday is Feb 17, and I wanted to do something special for my birthday, well I did not want to be here in Pittsburgh. My sister and I went to Cleveland to hang out with her friends. I was intent on doing things that I knew was wrong. My mission was to find me a man and get me some attention. I was headed back to my old familiar ways, the ways that I knew as safe. I no longer wanted to give my heart to another single person in this world; all I wanted to do was get lost in a sea of nothingness relationships. It was a world that I was comfortable with and a world that meant more to me than anything in this world at that time because it was a place I could be someone that I was not and no one had to know the real me. Well God had other plans for me. I was never more uncomfortable in my life. We went to the bars and out to eat and I felt out of place so much. We finally get to a bar the last night there. At least it played my kind of music. I had been out of that scene for over 8 years so I had no idea what the "in" thing was, but this last bar had my kind of music playing. I was happy! I saw the doorman when we got there, he was checking me out and I was checking him out. After some conversation, I gave him my room information. I knew what I was doing and just wanted to "get it over" with, as I wanted to break into the swing of things again. Well, the guy was to come to the hotel room after the bar closed, and he never showed up. At first, I was thinking I must be too fat for him, or I must not be good enough yet again. I had a thousand things going on in my mind. Well as I was lying there, it was Sunday, February 19 at 4:50 AM, God reminded me of my commitment to Him and how I have done everything but try Him and His ways for my life._

_Well that was it, I stopped the madness and said forget it. The next day, I was rid of all my secular music and listened only to gospel music, started attending church even more often than before. I was so tired of hurting and knew that the only way to get through this was to go to church. I concentrated on the Lord and nothing else. I did not want a relationship just some friends to talk to about the Lord._

_All of that changed on April 29 – I had just woke up and reading my email, as I had many friends via email that I had met. I was always talking to guys on line still having shades of my past haunting me. I was reading my email and there was a message from a guy from a posting I did. I was reading the email, and he wanted to chat, so I sent him my yahoo id. We started talking via instant messaging, I was trying to make a point about something, and he was not getting the point. He suggested that we talk on the phone, I told him he was nuts – NO WAY! I was just so not into that right away. However, I had a point to make and he was not getting it, so I gave in. He called me and we talked the entire night away. It was real conversation, not trying to get in my pants. We were talking about life but mostly about the Lord. We just talked and talked and talked._

_Well, the next morning, he called me to say hello and to tell me to have a lovely day in the Lord, and as we were talking, I asked him if he was a minister, he said yes. Oh, I was too done with that. It was about three weeks prior to talking to him that I dreamt that I was married to a minister, a pastor of a church. I thought there is no way I am going to be a minister's wife. I decided to make sure I kept it at friends' level. Well, that was not easy, the more we talked the more I liked his conversation. I had not yet seen a picture of him even though he knew what I looked like. I did not want to ruin the development of the relationship by seeing what he looked like. I knew that if I did, I was most likely going to base everything I thought of him by his picture. I was not a shallow person, but I am a realistic person. We were having a great time getting to know each other and talking about the Lord. I did not want to ruin that with the fact that if he was cute, I would consume myself with trying to "conquer" him and if he were ugly, I would consume myself with wanting to get rid of him. I just did not want to know. Well we talked on the phone, via text message, and snail mail from April until end of June. In June, the old Alissa started creeping in. He was kind, sweet and nice, all those qualities that I did not think I deserved, so what do I do. I dumped him, cold and without an explanation at all. When he insisted on one, I told him I needed to work on my marriage with Jonathan's dad. It was so far from the truth but he did not know that._

_What started to happen was I was missing him and our conversations. We were talking every day up to that point and I was used to him being a part of my life. It scared me to pieces to allow someone to get that close to me, as he was closer to me than any man had been in my life and I had yet to see him face to face. Mind you, I did not even yet know what he looked like. The first three weeks, I would call him to say hello. Well, he was so distant in the conversations, after three phone calls; I waited two weeks and called him. He was a little nicer but the conversation did not last long, it was about 10 minutes, which was unlike all our other conversations. I waited a week next time before calling him. I was used to talking to him every night for hours. I occupied my time with Jesus and not worrying about the relationship, saying in my mind that it is over and that is fine I ended up calling him as I had missed talking to him so much, and feeling somewhat guilty about being so mean to him. I was not happy with the way things ended, as I did not want to lose my friend. I was calling him to at least gain my friend back. What he said to me rocked me to the very core, he was dating again! I faked it as if I was happy for him, but inside my heart was falling apart, I did not want him to have someone else, and I did not want someone else to be a part of his life. I thought to myself this was not fair. We talked for a little bit and then ended the conversation. The next day I called him and just started telling him the truth and how he was and how could he find someone else so fast and that was not fair and all kinds of stuff. I went off on him. Well, we ended up talking and working things out. I was fine for a while, but then old Alissa will creep up. He is wonderful in that aspect and though there are still issues that come up that stem from both of us, God is always the center of the relationship and we allow Him to direct our paths. I praise God for him and pray that we continue to grow together as a couple and in the Lord._

_My relationship with the Lord since the beginning of my life has changed to the best! I love Jesus and know that I am precious to Him. I have all that I have because He is directing my life and I will continue to allow His will to be done in my life. I was blessed with being filled with the Holy Spirit on March 2, 2007 in the privacy of my own home. I am thankful to the Lord for being filled and knowing that He will never leave nor forsake me for all eternity. I am looking forward to hearing, "Well done my good and faithful servant"_

_In closing, I would like to say that God is able. I have been through so much in my life and I trust that God is with me always. I know that I still have a long way to go with my trust issues with all those in my life. I have to continue on a daily basis to let go and let God take control of my life. It is a daily struggle to beat the enemy down, I look at the woman I see in the mirror and some days good thoughts come to mind and some days bad thoughts come to mind. When I have the bad thoughts, I start praising God and saying how good God is and remind myself to see myself as He sees me. I am precious to the Lord and I am worthy of His blessings. I still suffer from low self-esteem, but each day I get more and more from the Lord and stand taller and taller. Those of us that suffer from low self-esteem have to remember that others do not make us; God is who makes us. God wonderfully made us and as my mom used to say – God does not make junk._

_I am not proud of the fact that my son suffered because of my actions, because of not controlling my emotions when things got bad. I am not a perfect person and far from being a perfect mother. I am thankful that God has changed my heart and I handle things differently for my son's sake...but when you are reading how I was please be mindful that I was not in my right mind and I did do some things that I urge others to never do in front of your child!!!! My mother did it to me and I did it to my son, we need to stop the cycle with us and not pass this kind of behavior on to our children. We are our children's biggest influence, we are the one who determine if it will be a positive or negative influence._

_As I was writing this story, it was hard at some points to relive my life. I have grown strong and I am thankful to God for that. In relaying my life story to my sweetie, I was able to release some of the pain and allow myself to trust him more. It is still not easy to do but my God is bigger than that! I wanted to encourage all those that are reading this and find that they are in similar situations know that God is able to bring you through – one day at a time. You will have good and bad days, but count it all joy for you are still growing in the Lord. God is with us and He will never leave nor forsake us. We are worth a lot to Jesus and we are somebody._

_We are to remember to make God the number one priority of our lives and to seek His will only in our lives. There is so much that He can accomplish in our lives if we would just turn ourselves over to Him. All that pain that we have inside, if we let it go, God replaces it with nothing but Love for us. In having the love of Jesus in us, we will become stronger in the Lord and be able to withstand the world as it comes at us. I want to encourage you to continue to stand for Jesus. Make God the center of your life and His will to be your own will for your life. You will see that God will move you to levels in Him that you never thought imaginable. Let Go and Let God do His work in your life._

_I praise God for each of you who have taken the time to read this from the beginning to the end; I pray that it has blessed you in some manner. If you ever need someone to talk to, please come visit my web page and drop me a line._

_I love you all_

_Your sister in Christ, Alissa Lynne_

A Special Message to Single Women

Remember - What pleases God? – YOU DO!

I believe that we all deal with an issue of some kind, as we are not perfect and so far from it. I know for me, getting over things in my past and things facing me right this very minute is by letting go, let God, and let love take over. I have heard more and more Christians say repeatedly about how they cannot let go. Well I know that the easiest way for me to do it and the ONLY way that I can let it go and truly turn things over to God is to have a relationship with the Lord. We have to get closer to Him.

If you are having a hard time with letting something go, go to Jesus and pray. I am not talking those rehearsed prayers either, I am talking about just as you talk to your girlfriend, talk to God. Why not – He already knows your thoughts and feelings anyhow. I have found that sometimes I just have to lie on my bedroom floor and just talk and talk. For me, it is more of a respect thing with the laying on the floor, as just as I talk in my ramblings and in my typing this, this is how I talk to the Lord. I keep it real with myself in my talking to the Lord because I know that He knows me and how I am. I have a much better prayer life by doing that.

I am over 38 years old, already with two-failed marriage under my belt, so my sisters keep holding out for the Lord. I attracted the WRONG MEN! Well, in my case I was seeking on my own, I was not saved and not living right so what did I do, I played the game. It is an easy thing to fall into.

Here is a question to ask yourself when you are wondering why no one wants you or if you are attracting all the wrong types of men – WHAT ARE YOU WORTH? What do you think of yourself, because my sister what you think of yourself is what some people see. So for example, if you do not think highly of who you are, people will sense that by the way you carry yourself, the way you speak and the way you act. We think we are acting one way, but in essence, we are not hiding our insecurities at all.

Therefore, my advice to you is the following:

  1. Seek God above all other things – place Him first. Read the word of God and if you find that, you cannot understand the words in the Bible, then there are several things you can do. First, get a King James Version and another version that you understand. I personally use the NIV (New International Version). So when you are reading it, you have two bibles in front of you to reference with.

  2. Second, start talking to the Lord in all things that you are doing, this is building your prayer life with the Lord. So many people are so stuck in that prayer that ministers do in church – NOT!! You need to talk to God as you are comfortable with, girl have had conversations with the Lord in my bedroom, in my car, in front of my computer – talking to Him and telling Him what is on my mind. I have on occasion yelled at Him too. We have to talk, talk, talk, and talk some more to the Lord and let Him answer us. God's will is to be done in our lives and we need to allow Him to do so, the best way to do that is to build our relationship with Him. Is it going to happen over night? NOPE Is it going to be easy? NOPE but nothing worth having or doing ever is. So keep Proverbs 3:5-7, Matthew 6:33, and Philippians 3:14 close to you as you move in closer to the Lord. For the closer you get to Jesus the more the enemy is going to come at you because you are doing something he does not want you to do and that is making it to heaven!

This also will come in time – LOVE THE WOMAN THAT YOU ARE!! With all her beauty and mistakes – love who you are and were you are in your life. This is going to be hard for many of us are beaten down and have not let things go to allow us to move forward in love in Christ and with a person. You cannot accept the love of a man, a good man, if you do not love who you are. You will bring too much baggage into the relationship if you do not allow yourself to love who you are. Forgive yourself for you faults, ask God to show you the areas that you need to improve in. You have to truly love that woman that you are. How can we expect the perfect man when we are not the perfect woman? You should not place your concentration on "finding" a husband but asking and allowing God to make you the Christian woman, wife, and mother that HE wants you to be. If you take the focus off what you are not and place the focus on the Lord first and what you are – you will see that you will have more peace and joy in your heart. God wants us to allow Him to love us. He cannot do so with all the junk that we have in our hearts, we have to release that mess by doing the stuff I listed in and then allow the Lord to fill us with nothing but His love and as it starts to happen, here comes the love for ourselves.

If you want someone to love you, you have to seek ye first the kingdom of God, turn all that you have over to Him, allow God to love you, love yourself and WAIT on the Lord to SEND your man to you. We are not to be seeking out the man, but seeking out the Lord. I love the saying (I am paraphrasing) that a woman should be so lost in the Lord that a man has to know Him to find her. We have to forget what society tells us and go from there.

Yes, I am blessed to have a boyfriend, a God fearing, speaking in tongues, fire-baptized, love of my life boyfriend, but we have issues too. It is not easy but it is easier because we are grounded in the Lord, to make it work and work through all my own personal issues due to my past and his own personal issues due to his past – we both brought luggage to the relationship. We HAVE to have a relationship with the Lord FIRST as individuals. It is what makes the difference for us, I would be lying if I said it was perfect, it is NOT perfect. I have wanted to quit many of times, but through God and His direction, I have not done so. We have to know the Lord, to make it in every single step of this life we take. My sisters please start to look in that mirror every single day and know that you are worthy of the love of Jesus and worthy of the love of a GOD fearing, God loving, who was called to love you and only you!

Authors Last Words

First, all thanks go to the Lord for giving me the words to write, for giving me the peace of mind to write it, for blessing me with getting to know Him more and myself more by writing this book. I am thankful to God for my family, those that are here and those that have passed on. I am truly a blessed woman and all that I am is because of Jesus.

God is truly awesome and I am thankful to the Lord for so much in my life. At this point, I pray that you have read the book and not just looking to see what is at the back of the book. As Christians, we are truly blessed to walk the walk of a Christian. Never walk away from the Lord for He never walks away from us.

I wanted to say a special thank you to the three women who blessed me with volunteering to proofread the book for me. Casandra, Cindy, and Shamina – I thank God for each of you and your willingness to help me in this endeavor. Each of you have a different outlook on things and brought a lot of insight to the final draft of this book. I am truly blessed to have friends such as you.

I wanted to thank all the members of God's Survivor, Infertility for Life, Single Parents for Jesus, Daily Improvement, and Women Living 4 Jesus Yahoo Groups for being supportive with all your encouragement and prayers to finish this book. I truly thank you for all that you have said and listened to me say throughout the time of writing the book. I truly am blessed by your encouragement.

I want to thank all those that have read the book, whether from page one to the last page, or just sections of it. I pray that you receive something and are encouraged to continue to walk with the Lord. We are not alone for we have Jesus.

Lastly, I wanted to ask that you would take the time to stop past my web page and leave me a comment on the book. I would really love to hear what you have to say; as this is my baby and most likely, the only book I will ever write and would love to have feedback or comments. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this book and you continue to walk with the Lord for He is always with you.

Love always your sister in Christ,

_Sister Alissa Lynne_

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Women Living 4 Jesus

As the founder of Women Living 4 Jesus Ministries, (WL4J), I would not be doing my duty if I did not take the time to explain the organization to you and remind you that we are here for you.

Who is WL4J (Women Living 4 Jesus)

WL4J is an organization dedicated to supporting and uplifting the name of Jesus by encouraging, supporting and assisting our sisters in Christ and yet to come to Christ.

WL4J established in October 2007 with the vision of reaching the broken, caught in strongholds, and bounded sisters who are walking around each day feeling the weight of the world and not being free in Christ.

We are currently seeking status as a non-profit organization. We do not solicit donations from individuals, although we do accept them, but we seek to assist individuals with clothing, shelter, food, financial, spiritual, and training along with workshops, to not just move forward but also move forward in Christ, free from the bonds of life.

Our assistance does not just end with conversation, prayer and encouragement; it is just the beginning of what we do. We are building lasting relationships in Christ and truly seeking to function as one body in Christ by utilizing the skills and talents of our sisters in Christ to help others.

We believe in blessing others as we are blessed.

Our motto is simple:

We are here for our sisters

One Sister at a time

We are on the internet with our social community where sisters can receive encouragement, conversation/discussions, and all around support. There are no limits on what we discuss in life. We are open for all discussion with our sisters, as we no longer live in bondage under the ways of keeping silent. We have learned that sometimes in silence, we remain tormented by the enemy but when we speak things into life, we are blessed.

At WL4J, we believe we are to line ourselves up with the word of God and that in doing all things according to the will and word of God is the only way to live. We all fall short of the glory of God and have struggles dealing with life. It is through knowing where we stand can we stand taller. Our workshops are Christian Holiness base teachings along with a keep it real aspect to what is being said during the workshops. Our workshops are available also in a Retreat and Conference setting, with some special guidelines to the forum of the retreat/conference. All our workshops held are in an instructive with open forum atmosphere.

WL4J has an on line talk show, located on the Talk Shoe Internet Radio Network. This talk show is at least once a week, discussing issues and things related to women of God. We offer online workshops via our talk show along with twice a month fellowship calls where sisters can come together and talk about the goodness of the Lord. Our radio show is located at www.talkshoe.com/tc/11529 Check out our schedule and come visit us live during a show, you can listen in, call in, just chat or do all three. All of our shows are archived for listening during a time most available for you.

WL4J also offers a weekly newsletter on Mondays. Each newsletter arrives in your morning emails with information, writings and encouragement to get through our lives in Jesus. If you are interested in receiving a newsletter, send an email to subscribe@womenliving4jesus.org

Sister Alissa Lynne also sends out every morning (Monday to Friday) a "Good Morning" Inspirational – Get our day started email. If you would like to receive this daily email, please send an email to sisteralissalynne@comcast.net and she will ensure that you are added to our Good Morning Email Subscriber List.

At WL4J, we encourage all our sisters to continue to stand in the word of God doing it all in the name of Jesus. If you would like to know more about us, come visit us at our two locations on the internet.

Our web site is www.womenliving4jesus.org

Our Social Community is www.womenliving4jesus.ning.com

Our Email Address is: contactus@womenliving4jesus.org

Feel free to visit also our sister site – Living Victorious at www.livingvictorious.com

We praise God for each of you and pray to hear from you soon.

Remember we are here for our sisters – One Sister at a Time!

God Bless

Inspiring Women on the Internet

Apostle Diane Ross

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/CMN http://www.freewebs.com/cmnetwork

Her Radio show in her words –"Providing listeners with essential biblical principles that will motivate, encourage and propel them towards expecting excellence; for useful life application."

Alissa's Comment – She is an awesome woman of God and truly inspires me with her sprit and straight talk. She is truly a sister in Christ whom loves the Lord and so glad that I have met her and pray that she is not just one sister of season friendship but a lifetime sister in Christ. If you have the time, listen to her radio shows and visit her web site – she is truly a blessing to me.

Prophetess Nikki Richardson

www.freewebs.com/countitalljoywm, www.peopleofpurpose.ning.com, www.blogtalkradio.com/CIAJOY

Her Web Site states: Count It All Joy Women Ministries helps women who are battered by past hurts, drug addicted women& single mothers seek help from the right source. My passion is helping women grow and know who they are the way God sees them. not the way the world sees. **Count It All Joy Women Ministries is for women and teenagers who still deal with past hurts and pains. So many of us women walk around in insecurity, guilt, torment and pain from our past, which leads to us not fulfilling what God has for us to do in our lives. This ministry is designed to get women and teenagers to seek help from the right source which is Jesus Christ, who will deliver us from all the pain and sorrow from our past. In James chapter 1:2 reads "MY BRETHREN** , **COUNT IT ALL JOY WHEN YOU FALL INTO VARIOUS TRIALS, KNOWING THAT THE TESTING OF YOUR FAITH PRODUCES PATIENCE. BUT LET PATIENCE HAVE ITS PERFECT WORK, THAT YOU MAY BE PERFECT AND COMPLETE, LACKING NOTHING."**

Alissa's Comments – She is a sister who is out there "taking it to the streets" reaching out to all that are in pain and looking to be a sister to all. We have kindred passions for our sisters in Christ with a different approach and I thank God for her delivery of the things God is doing in her life! Praise the Lord – take the time to visit her pages for you will be blessed.

Sister Valerie

http://simply4God.blogspot.com/

Her Site states: Simply 4 God - "Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is Christ." (Ephesians 4:15)

Alissa's Comments: A gifted and talented writer in the Lord. Her words not only encourage but engage her readers to really think about their relationship with the Lord – I love reading Sister Valerie's writings. Praise the Lord for her!

Sister Melcena Rose

http://www.melcena.com

Her Site states: Our ministry is to spread the news of Jesus Christ to the world and to allow the Christian community of Dayton, Ohio to have a platform that will open the world to them. We deeply believe in the following articles of faith and hope that all those who join us will also believe in these principles. God Bless

Alissa's Comments: Sister Rose is a wonderful woman in God always busy spreading the word of God all over the internet with her lovely emails. Check out the podcasts on her web site and truly be blessed.
The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Sister Alissa Lynne

The Truth of Alissa Lynne is an in depth look of the life of a woman who endured many obstacles in her life from childhood abuse, self-esteem issues, rape, bad choices in life and how Jesus Christ brought her through it all.

Alissa Lynne's blesses us with her own thoughts on her life and her walk with the Lord. Her tell it like it is attitude is refreshing in a world of untruth and dishonesty.

Alissa Lynne shares with us her thoughts on how she relates the way of the world to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Copyright © 2007 Sister Alissa Lynne - All rights reserved First Edition, 2007

Published in the United States of America

