Shepard: Where are we?
Catalyst: The Citadel, it's my home.
Shepard: Ok then, who are you?
Catalyst: I'm the Catalyst.
Shepard: You're what?
How'd you get here?
What are you?
What's your purpose?
Catalyst: It doesn't matter.
Shepard: What do you mean it doesn't matter,
how can it not matter?
Catalyst: Look, if you don't get it, I can't
explain it to you.
You'll have to figure out my deep symbolic
meaning with your own tiny brainpower.
We've got other things to do.
Shepard: Well most of the time I carry around
a lot of big guns, but at the moment, I've
only got a pistol and apparently I'm bleeding
profusely and probably have many broken bones.
So I'm gonna let you get away with that for
now.
Out of curiousity, what do we have to do?
Catalyst: We have to decide how you're going
to destroy the universe, of course!
Shepard: What?
No.
I'm here to save the universe!
Catalyst: Well I know you thought that, but
it turns out I was just dicking you around.
Shepard: I must have hit my head really hard
when Harbinger blasted me with that massive
laser or something right?
This makes no sense!
Catalyst: You seriously think you're dreaming?
Wait till you see what I do with your ship
and crew!
Shepard: My crew are alive?
That's great news, I was so worried after
Harbingers attack.
Especially for my ground crew.
Catalyst: No, they're safe.
I beamed them up to the Normandy before you
even got here.
Shepard: You beamed...hey wait isn't that
Star Trek?
Catalyst: Whatever, I used space magic, ok?
Shepard: Space...what?
... I am so confused.
Catalyst: Look I've got other things to do
today, so I'm just going to get on with it.
You have three choices, you blow up all the
relays, stranding everyone wherever they happen
to be.
Shepard: I don't like that choice.
Catalyst: I haven't got to the choice part
yet.
Ok so you strand everyone, and either control
the reapers, destroy the reapers and every
form of artifical life, or turn all sentient
life into something else without their knowledge
or input.
Shepard: What the hell kind of choices are
those?
Catalyst: Oh and I forgot to mention that
any way you go, you're going to die horribly
and painfully.
Shepard: Of course I am.
Look, that much I kind of expected, if you
haven't noticed I wasn't really born under
a lucky star.
But seriously, you have to tell me what I
did wrong.
I mean I united the Geth and the Quarians.
I cured the Genophage and brought the Turians
and Krogan together!
I even got the Salarians to join us after
that.
In my second playthrough when I was desperate
for any other outcome, I even turned Dr. Chakwas
away and took Dr. Michelle for the ten extra
points!
What did I miss?!
Catalyst: Oh you didn't miss anything, it's
just that none of it mattered.
Did I mention that when you destroy everything,
you get to choose if it explodes green, blue,
or red?
Shepard: I don't quite know what to say.
Catalyst: Look, I know it's a big choice [telephone
rings] Oh damn I got to get that.
Take your time and show yourself out through
the other end there.
If you want my input the red explosions are
really pretty and if you did enough you might
even live for a few excruciating more seconds!
Don't take too long though.
A dev team is coming through here in about
15 minutes.
Something about needing an ending in a hurry.
Peace out.
Oh and don't forget to buy some DLC!
Shepard: What the hell?
