 
Successful Parenting Manual: A Three Part System

by Tammy Sassoon

Copyright © 2015 Tammy Sassoon

All rights reserved. Except for use in a review, no portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without the express written permission of the author.

Neither the author nor the publisher assumes any responsibility for the use or misuse of

information contained in this book. Parenting is a process that requires dedication, determination, practice, and skill development.

You will not become an incredible parent overnight. You will evolve into an incredible parent with practice and good training. This book is your starting point.

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About the Author

Tammy Sassoon is an acclaimed expert in the field of Behavior Management. She uses very specific practical strategies to inspire difficult children to comply with the adults who are in charge of them. She is a professional speaker who gives workshops to teachers, principals, and parents in order to help them gain compliance from even the most oppositional children.

Tammy is the Chief Behavioral Consultant at the Behavior Management Center in Brooklyn, New York, where she trains parents and school personnel in applying specific techniques that result in quick success. Tammy consistently goes into homes and schools and creates highly effective programs that motivate oppositional children to cooperate with the adults who are in charge of them. She can be contacted at

tammysassoon@gmail.com.

Tammy was a hyperactive, oppositional child and is now able to provide first-hand insight into dealing with children who have difficulty listening. Though Tammy trained under many professionals who are experts in her field, most of her clinical experience in behavioral consulting comes from her own life experiences with defiant children. Left alone, these children's lives could have resulted in many failures,

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but with the right interventions they turned out to be successful people. Anyone who learns the strategies that Tammy prescribes will be amazed by watching the speed at which oppositional children begin to cooperate.

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Table of Contents

Introduction.............................................Page 6 Chapter 1: Perspectives...............................Page 12 Chapter 2: Prevention Strategies.....................Page 43 Chapter 3: Intervention Strategies...................Page 76 Applying What You Learned......................Page 110

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INTRODUCTION

I decided to work with children who display oppositional behaviors when I was a very young teenager. When I was a young child I was blessed with an overabundance of energy that understandably made it quite challenging for the adults around me to manage my behaviors. There were very few people who I listened to. My teachers really tried to help me behave in less impulsive and oppositional ways. The few educators who knew the "secret" strategies that would make me listen were definitely more successful than those who did not.

As a young child, I used to ponder a lot about why it was so difficult for me to listen to adults. I was sure that I was just as great of a kid as any other. In my case, I had severe attention deficits, combined with hyperactivity and impulsivity. I needed constant stimulation. I remember feeling like I wanted to scream out, "World, I really am a good person. I didn't mean to knock my friend's tower over for the eighth time. I don't even know why I did it." Now I am well aware that I was doing these kinds of things because I was born with an impulsive nature.

When I became a young teenager I decided to start a campaign to help difficult children feel good about themselves, regardless of their behavioral challenges. I worked as a counselor in a summer day camp, and I loved working with the most oppositional children because I really

connected with them. I felt bad for them because most of the adults

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working with them were not interested in these children. In fact, many counselors and teachers resented being in charge of these kids. I did not judge these adults in any negative way, because I understood that these adults felt threatened by children who did not listen. However, I did know deep in my heart that difficult kids were born with the same quality of souls as children who listened more easily.

Over the years, I developed a passion for understanding and helping difficult children become compliant and ultimately successful, happy people.

As a young adult, I began to think of it as a challenge to work with children who had impulsive natures because I felt that it was my responsibility to love them the same as all other kids. It was then that I embarked on my journey to figure out what would make oppositional children listen.

Over the years, I've worked with and continue to work with difficult children in both Mainstream and Special Education settings. These children have come from many different backgrounds and have all sorts of challenges including Emotional Disturbances, Explosive Disorders, Language Impairments, Autistic Spectrum Disorders, Attention Deficits, and or come from broken homes. For the most part these children have lots of reasons to misbehave. I never met a child or adult who

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experienced any of these disorders or difficult life circumstances unscarred. However, I have lots of hope for them.

I know from first-hand experience that with at least one caring adult who employs certain strategies, children can overcome these difficulties. Furthermore, sometimes children who have these challenging life experiences have burning flames inside of them that are highly conducive to unusual degrees of productivity. After all, they did work hard for many years fighting to be understood and accepted.

Since we all know that you can't ever change someone else's behaviors, you might as well do what you can and change your own behaviors. When you stop trying to change your child's behaviors, and start changing your own behaviors by using more effective parenting strategies, you will see much less opposition in a very short amount of time. Some strategies that you will learn from this guide will plant seeds for future compliance (prevention strategies), while others will breed instant results (intervention strategies). If you combine both types of strategies you will be nurturing a happy, compliant child that you can feel very proud of. Lots of luck!!!

Tammy

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THE THREE PRONGS

This book is divided into three chapters. Each chapter details one prong of my three prong approach. A deep understanding on your part of the three prongs will help your child want to listen.

Prong One: Perspectives

In Prong One you will learn a few important Perspectives that will help you acquire a deep UNDERSTANDING of what is going on inside the heads of children who struggle to listen. As you read this part of the book, you will begin to understand your child's intentions. When you develop this understanding, you might begin thinking of new and creative ways to motivate your child, whom you once thought could not be motivated.

Do not be fooled into skipping this part of the book to go right into the practical strategies, because the deeper you understand someone the more you can really help. Indeed, you can gain some very valuable techniques if you skip Prong One, but you would be depriving yourself of the depths of what is going on inside our child's head. This deprivation would impede your ability to maximally nurture your child's emotional world.

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Prong Two: Prevention Strategies

Prong Two is an array of Prevention Strategies. If you do not use these strategies, you will be depriving your child of the DESIRE to listen to you. Using these Prevention techniques will cause your child to feel overwhelmed by your love and security. These specific techniques are not to be used after you are experiencing opposition. The trick is to use these Preventive techniques before your child is in a difficult situation. If you employ these powerful Preventive strategies regularly, you will be pleasantly surprised by a significant decrease in defiant behaviors.

Prong Three: Intervention Strategies

Prong Three is a collection of Intervention strategies that you can use to STOP misbehaviors when your child is exhibiting opposition. You will learn how to step in and change the variables in a situation in order to motivate your child to WANT to stop being defiant.

Compliance Boils Down to These Three Components:

If you ever get stuck and do not know what to do with your child,

remember the Three Prongs and ask yourself:

"What is missing in my understanding of what this child is thinking?"

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"Do I need to employ a Preventive strategy that would make this child not want to misbehave in the first place?"

"Do I need to employ an Intervention strategy to stop this misbehavior now?"

I suggest that you read one chapter at a time. If you really want to improve your child's oppositional behaviors quickly, make sure you understand and implement the contents of each chapter before moving on to the next one. When you finish the book, reread it again and again until you have memorized all of the Perspectives and Strategies. The more you review, the more you will internalize the ideas and create amazingly positive changes in your child's life.

Please note that you MUST read all of the background information about each strategy in order to understand why it works. Only then, can you

gain a truly insightful understanding of your child.

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CHAPTER I:

PERSPECTIVES

Perspective One: Your Ultimate Success or Failure as a Parent Hinges on Your Understanding of The 6 Perspectives

Most parents understand the need to be skilled in applying Strategies, yet do not understand why it is necessary to take the time to learn about healthy Perspectives on discipline. I tell them that if they want to excel in any area of their lives, they need both healthy Perspectives and

Strategies.

In order for you to maximize your child's cooperation skills, you must have a combination of clear Perspectives about parenting, as well as a variety of Prevention and Intervention strategies that you can apply on a practical level. Perspectives, Prevention, and Intervention make up the

three-pronged approach to gaining cooperation.

Why is it so Important to Have Healthy Perspectives?

There exists an age-old idea that all of our actions come from our feelings that, in turn, come from our thoughts. In other words, first we have a thought or perspective and based on that thought a feeling is generated, and then ultimately we engage in a certain action.

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Thought (Perspective)

Feeling   Action

You can have two people in the same exact situation react completely differently because they each carry a different perspective. In essence, every time someone acts a certain way a thought and a feeling are behind that action. For example, a driver yells at another driver who is driving slowly in front of him, because he thinks that "People are out to get me." Consequently, that thought generates the feeling that "No one cares that I am in a rush to get somewhere."

Alternatively, another guy who is behind a slow driver just turns on some music while he is waiting because he thinks that "Some people drive more slowly than others," and consequently that thought generates the feeling that "This is annoying." Yes, two guys are in the same exact situation. One screams, and the other listens to music because they have different thoughts about what is going on. "This is annoying," is a lot healthier than "No one cares that I am in a rush," and of course each thought produces a different feeling, and ultimately a different action. We can see from this example how important it is to have healthy thoughts or perspectives about parenting if we want to have the inner

strength we need to apply the skills that work.

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Comparison Chart of Unhealthy vs. Healthy Perspectives

Thought | Feeling | Action

---|---|---

(Perspective) |   
 |

 |   
 |

Unhealthy: | "No one cares that | Scream, honk

"People are out to | I'm in a rush." |

get me." |   
 |

 |   
 |

Healthy: "Some | "This is | Listen to music,

people drive more | annoying." | try to relax

slowly than |   
 |

others." |   
 |

 |   
 |

Mistaken Perspectives Cause a Lot of Damage

Let's say that a certain couple is experiencing marital difficulties. The wife cries every time she does not receive a present for her birthday. The husband does not understand why she is so sensitive. He tells her, "Honey, you know I love you, and I do not intentionally forget about your birthday. I'm sorry." The poor wife continues to feel pain and cries.

Another woman also has a husband who forgets birthdays and she also wishes her husband would remember her birthday each year. Unfortunately, he does not. Her healthy response is one where she leaves

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her husband a note saying, "It will still be my birthday for another ten hours. Walgreen's has plenty of cards." Her husband, who loves her very much runs to the store, and buys her a beautiful card with a bouquet of red roses.

Let's imagine that both husbands are kind, caring people who love their wives. The difference between the first and the second woman is that the second woman has the healthy perspective that her husband loves her, and she actually just wants a card as a reminder of that. The first woman has the unhealthy perspective that if her husband did not remember the card that indicates his lack of love for her. This thought and feeling prevented her from achieving the results that she really wanted – receiving a birthday card from her husband as an expression of his love for her.

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Comparison Chart of Unhealthy vs. Healthy Perspectives

Thought | Feeling | Action

---|---|---

(Perspective) |   
 |

 |   
 |

Unhealthy: | Pain: "My | Cry, blame

"Forgetting a | husband doesn't |

birthday indicates | love me." |

a lack of love." |   
 |

 |   
 |

Healthy: "If a | "I really would | Leave a note

husband is | love a card." | making a request

generally very |   
 | for a birthday card

loving, then |   
 |

forgetting a |   
 |

birthday indicates |   
 |

that he is human." |   
 |

 |   
 |

Healthy Perspectives Produce Quality Parenting

I once knew a mother who loved her children very much. She complimented them often and gave them lots of attention and affection. One day I was in her house, and she was screaming at her child that if he comes out of his bed one more time she will send him away to boarding school. This mother was obviously overwhelmed and stressed out. Her

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little nine year old child stayed in his bed for the rest of the night. I stayed at her house and we drank coffee together.

About three hours after the episode, this mother went into the boy's room to shut the air conditioner, and she noticed that he was still awake. It turned out that several months later the child's pediatrician suggested that perhaps he had a sleep disorder and needed to be seen by a sleep specialist. Indeed, the findings were that he had a diagnosable medical sleep disorder.

Why Was the Woman Unable to Help Her Child?

The mother in the story above couldn't help her son for the simple reason that she had a mistaken perspective. Unfortunately, she thought her child's actions meant that she did not deserve some alone time at night. Instead of recognizing the potential for a diagnosable disorder, this woman's poor self-esteem was getting in the way of helping her child. She was locked into a perspective of feeling unworthy of having alone time. Therefore, she was investing all of her energy into screaming and proving to her child that she deserves some rest time. While she was in a frustrating situation, the mother's aggression was because of her unhealthy perspective. Had she adopted a healthy perspective, then she would have been able to figure out why he kept leaving his bedroom and instead of yelling, she would have searched for ways to help him.

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Now you can clearly understand how an unhealthy perspective can lead to an unhealthy response. As parents, if you want to improve your responses to your children's behaviors, you must be certain that your perspectives are healthy. You already have many perspectives in your head that you have acquired from your childhood and throughout your life experiences. Some of them might be healthy already. Many might not be. On that note, I will help you delve into your current perspectives on parenting and iron out any unhealthy ideas that you may have. This can help you maximize your abilities to raise healthy, wholesome children.

Perspective Two: Accept the Fact That You Can Motivate Any Child to Listen (if you Learn How)

Many people have the mistaken perspective that if a child is not listening to an adult then there's nothing the adult can do. This couldn't be further from the truth. While it is true that you cannot control your child's behaviors, you can effectively motivate your child to listen to you.

Why Do So Many Parents Fail to Effectively Motivate Their Children?

In order for you to gain cooperation from your children, you need to get inside their heads to understand what they want. One of the main reasons that our children do not listen to us is that we speak to them in terms of what we want.

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Imagine that you walk into a store in search of a very warm pair of winter gloves. A saleswoman sees you picking out a certain pair of insulated gloves and approaches you saying, "Lady, I don't know why you are choosing these. Do you know how heavy these gloves are? Let me show you something that is not so warm." You happen to notice that this saleswoman is sweating and drinking cold water even though it's very cold outside. You know that you are the exact opposite and are always freezing. You ignore the woman and purchase the gloves that you were originally looking at.

Ignoring Someone's Interests is a Recipe for Failure

The saleswoman was a concerned woman who really just wanted you to make what she thought was the better purchase. She knew that SHE would have been very uncomfortable in a heavy pair of gloves. Additionally, this saleswoman also had a flair for fashion and thought that it was really important that you buy the nicer looking gloves. The problem was that she did not speak to you in terms of what YOU wanted. Since she was only thinking in terms of what SHE wanted, she did not succeed in motivating you to do things differently. Though she was actually a very well-meaning saleswoman, her approach was totally ineffective. She believed that, "If it would be good for me, it's probably good for you." Her technique did not work because this saleswoman completely ignored your interests.

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How Often Do We Ignore Our Children's Interests?

"Sam, you are making a huge mess!" (Does Sam really care?)

"Johnny, stop doing that. You are hurting him." (Johnny's thinking, "Mom, I knew that. It was actually my intention.")

"Bob, finish your supper. You need to get into the bath already." (Bob is thinking, "I'd really rather not.")

In each of these situations the parent was trying to explain things with the WRONG assumption that the child has the same interests as the adult. So when parents make these comments based on what THEY actually want, they have not gained anything but a lack of cooperation.

We Listen to People Who Think About Our Interests

Now, imagine that the saleswoman who wants you to purchase the lighter, nicer pair of gloves understands that you always feel cold. As she sees you choosing the warmest gloves in the store, she approaches you and says, "I see that you are looking for something very warm."

You open up to her and tell her that you are always cold, because you feel like she understands you. She then says, "Let me show you a pair of gloves that are not quite as warm, but absolutely stunning. If you'd like, our store provides a great service. We can attach a removable wool lining of your choice to any pair of gloves for no fee."

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This time she is addressing YOUR concern and telling you how you can have YOUR need to feel warm met and the added bonus of enjoying a fashionable pair of gloves. You look at these stunning gloves that she shows you and you fall in love with them. You go to the seamstress in the back of the store and check out the different linings. You find one that you like and purchase the beautiful gloves that this wonderful saleswoman recommended.

Try To Understand People as Deeply as You Can

What did she do right in the second scenario? She got into your head!

She understood two important things.

  1. One was that that you wanted a really warm pair of gloves, even though that would not have been her own choice.

  2. She understood the basic human need to feel understood.

Understanding Your Child's Motivations Can Change

Your Life

Let's get inside the heads of our children to figure out what they actually do want and try to encourage positive behaviors using THEIR thought processes and THEIR motivations. Instead of saying, "Finish your supper, so you can get in the bath," try "When you finish your supper, I'll let you use the new bubble bath." The child who is not interested in taking a bath might be very motivated to take a bubble bath.

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You get the idea. Think about what the child really wants and put aside what you would want when you are trying to motivate him.

Shouldn't Kids Just Listen?

I often hear parents say that they are tired of finding creative strategies to encourage their children to cooperate. "Children should just listen! Why do I need to speak my child's language and why should my child only listen when she is motivated to?" Well, let me share with you that in all my years of working with young children, I have never seen even one young child cooperate altruistically with a parent "just because."

Young children cooperate for a few reasons. I will list some of them, using the example of motivating your child to take a bath. Offering bubble bath was just one type of incentive that would motivate a child. Some of the reasons that children listen are:

It makes sense for them to do so ("A bath will make me clean.") There is a worthwhile incentive ("Bubble baths are fun.")

To avoid punishment ("I want Mommy to read to me tonight.") They understand the social gain ("I will not smell.")

It's embarrassing or childish not to ("Not listening is childish.")

Your job is to create positive opportunities that motivate the child to

want to behave properly. The more you understand what your specific

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child wants in life, the more successful you will be in getting your child to cooperate.

Even Adults Need To Be Motivated

In order for you to really make your child WANT to listen to you, a deep understanding of human motivation is required. "Nothing motivates my child" are words that I often hear from parents. Actually, we are all motivated by something. One of the differences between average parents and expert parents is the ability to delve into the child's head and understand what motivates him or her.

Imagine that you are about to pull into a parking spot that you were patiently waiting for and someone quickly takes it from you. The guy who is about to steal your spot tells you that he has to run to a dentist's appointment, but you know that you are also running late to your own doctor's appointment. You are upset and not ready to give away the spot.

Then, the guy says, "Please, lady if I don't get my teeth taken care of now, it will take me two weeks to get another appointment. I'll give you $200.00 for the spot." Suddenly, you have no problem giving up the parking spot that was rightfully yours. Does this mean that you did not want the spot? No, it means that you wanted the $200.00 more than you wanted the spot. Our children are also gaining something by being

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oppositional. (Attention, entertainment, power, stimulation, etc.) Our job is to look deeply at each child, and figure out what he or she wants even more than to misbehave.

YOU Needed $200 to Give Up Something Valuable, What Does Your CHILD Need?

Though the parking spot was very valuable to you, the $200.00 was more valuable than the parking spot that you wanted. A child who is engaged in any form of misbehavior is indeed gaining something valuable from participating in the negative act. Two examples of things that the child might be gaining are attention or stimulation.

In this guide, you are going to learn how to figure out what you need to do in order to create a gain that is greater for the child than whatever is being gained from participating in the misbehavior. In other words, what is the equivalent of $200 to the child who will not give up the persistence to be defiant?

Make it Worthwhile for Your Children to Cooperate

You would like your children to listen the first time, share with others, use a calm voice, and be engaged in all sorts of pro-social behaviors. The only problem is that children often want the exact opposite. They don't always want to listen, share, speak calmly, etc. The bad news is

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that the work is on you. The good news is that if you do the work, you can make a huge difference.

The question remains, "What does this child want more than to be involved in this misbehavior?" Is it power, praise, information, acknowledgement, tangible rewards, relationships, or a combination of all or some of the above? In the upcoming pages, you will learn how to use many different techniques that motivate difficult children based on what they want most.

A Tragic Story About A Child Who APPEARED

Unmotivated

I recently heard a story from Dr. Rick Lavoie about a child who was abused by his father. Every time the child did something that the father considered "very bad" he was taken into the bathroom and beaten until the father got tired of beating him. When the child got to 1st grade, he had great difficulty learning how to read. The resource room teacher pulled him out of class twice a week, and the boy made sure to break his glasses a few minutes before she came to get him. Each time she came to his classroom, he told the teacher that he could not read that day because his glasses were broken. The little boy knew that his father would catch on to the fact that his glasses were "breaking" twice a week and would beat him.

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Despite these beatings, the boy continued to break his glasses. Some teachers might have said that this boy was "unmotivated." Actually, he was extremely motivated to avoid the embarrassment of not being able to read. He had much more to gain by avoiding embarrassment than avoiding the beatings.

Understanding your child's motivations can help you turn unhealthy feelings of anger toward such a child into healthy feelings of empathy about his suffering. When you think of a child's misbehaviors as motivated by a very deep part of his need to survive emotionally, you can help by teaching him to fulfill those very needs in healthier ways.

Perhaps, if this boy's father understood his need to avoid being embarrassed, he could have called up the teacher and asked her if there was a way that his child could be tutored at home after school. Then, once the child would gain the confidence to read, he might have felt a bit better about going to the resource room. If the father would have done this, he could have made it more worthwhile for the child to go to the resource room than to break his glasses.

Unfortunately, there are many stories like this about children who are misunderstood as being lazy. Let us take a closer look at how we can motivate our beloved, difficult children.

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You Must Truly Understand the Definition of

Motivation

Motivation is the driving force within each of us that makes us choose one behavior over another. Every child is driven by different motivators. We can see this from a very young age. Some children get excited about being praised, while others would rather have the chance to exercise power. Aside from praise and power, some other motivators are information, acknowledgement, tangible rewards, and relationships. While most people have somewhat of a need for all of these, each of us has an individual motivational profile. That means that we each have individually intricate interests, putting more weight on some of these motivating factors and less weight on others.

Every Individual Is Motivated by Different Factors

I am the kind of person who is motivated by information and would be willing to work very hard to gain valuable insight into something. I am also motivated by relationships. I would be willing to organize a family barbeque on a scorching hot day because I am so motivated to spend time with relatives. However, if you told me that by organizing a barbeque on a hot day, my only gain would be acknowledgement as super-mom, I would probably pass. Although, I need acknowledgement, it is not enough of a motivation for me to suffer the heat on a scorching hot day.

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Design Discipline Strategies Based on Your Child's Motivational Profile

If you are working with a child who only cares a little bit about acknowledgement, yet loves relationships, you would need to use a relationship factor as a reward in motivating this child. Let's say that this child is having great difficulty doing his homework each night. As an insightful mentor, you might tell the child that if he completes his homework for 2 nights in a row by 8:30, he will get to go on a 20 minute walk with you to the supermarket. He craves that relationship with you so much that he becomes motivated to do his homework, which is something difficult for him. You have created a situation where it becomes more worthwhile for the child to behave than not to behave.

In contrast, if you have a different child who is struggling with homework and loves acknowledgement you can motivate him differently than the first child we discussed. You might inform him that if he completes his homework for 2 nights in a row by 8:30 you will post a certificate on the refrigerator saying that he earned the right to stay up for an extra hour that night. To him that's exciting because his accomplishment will be acknowledged by anyone passing by.

Perspective Three: Harsh Discipline Is Damaging

Motivation vs. Punishment

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Some parents ask, "Why does a child need to be motivated? We can have children doing what we want them to by just yelling at them and saying that they better do it, or else...." Well, now that you have a better understanding of motivation, realize that whether the "or else" is criticism, punishment, or the like, you are still using a type of motivation to gain compliance. The child fears being punished, so he or she is motivated to listen. Realize that harsh discipline is a form of motivation, so you might as well use a more effective and less damaging mode.

There are Two Negative Effects of Using Harsh Discipline

  1. Harsh Discipline Creates a Situation Where the Child Only Listens To You When You Are Looking

The problem is that when a child only listens out of fear, he or she will certainly stop listening as soon as the fear is taken away. I have seen children of aggressive parents do what they are told only in the presence of the fear, i.e. their parents. As soon as their parents were not there, the children did the exact opposite of what the parent wanted them to do.

Furthermore, harsh punishment invites rebellion. I have never once seen a child of an aggressive, punitive parent want to behave appropriately when the parent is not looking. That is not to say that children must understand the reasoning behind every single rule. However, in the

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instances when parents choose not to explain a certain rule it must be done in a loving respectful way. If you set an unexplained limit in a loving way, that is not considered harsh discipline that will damage your child's will to listen to you. I tell children that while most of the time I explain the reasoning behind my rules, sometimes I do not.

2. Harsh Discipline Has Negative Long-Term Effects

When you punish instead of using positive motivation, you might gain the same immediate results (cooperation), but you have much to lose in the long run. By punishing or disciplining harshly, you are sacrificing your relationship with your child. When you encourage by using positive motivation, you are enhancing the relationship in the long term (and setting the child up to listen when you are not looking.) I am not saying that there are no consequences for negative behaviors. There certainly are, and I will discuss this important topic in a later chapter. In the meantime bear in mind that you have much more to gain by learning how to motivate your children in positive ways, than by adopting a punitive style of parenting.

Think About Your Child's Future

Think back to the times you were punished. Did you feel warm positive feelings towards whoever punished you or did you feel like you wanted to do the exact opposite of what the Punisher told you to do once they

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stopped looking? For example, after you were issued a speeding ticket, did you think that the officer was right or did you speed up again once he drove away?

Ask yourself if you are looking to only see results now or if you are looking to establish a warm, loving relationship with your child, resulting in many more years of listening to you down the road.

Perspective Four: You Will Be a More Effective Parent If You Understand Why Your Child Is Not Listening

A mistaken perspective that many people have about oppositional children is they think their children are misbehaving because they are lazy and do not care. The truth is that children misbehave as a result of some sort of painful inner struggle.

Most children are oppositional sometimes. It is especially typical for toddlers and young adolescents to be very oppositional. You are probably reading this book because your child acts in defiant ways more than sometimes.

Possible Causes for Oppositional Behaviors

  1. ODD - Your child may have a disorder such as Oppositional Defiance Disorder (See DSM-IV for diagnostic criteria.)

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  2. ADD \- Your child may have Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (See DSM-IV for diagnostic criteria.)

  3. Your child may have been born with an uneasy temperament or low-frustration tolerance.

  4. The child may have experienced repeated academic failure as a result of a learning disability, language disorder, or reading problem. In this case, the child either resists schoolwork because it is a painful reminder of his failures or the child misbehaves because he'd rather be considered "bad" than "stupid."

  5. The child may be suffering from Depression (See DSM-IV for diagnostic criteria.) Childhood Depression can manifest in the form of irritable and aggressive behavior.

  6. The child may be exposed to a parental style of discipline that is characterized by high levels of yelling, lecturing, criticism, and punishment, or infrequent expressions of unconditional love.

  7. The parent has difficulty setting limits.

In our discussion of some of the possible causes of oppositional behaviors, keep in mind that your child may be experiencing a combination of these factors. You might be feeling like you are the only one dealing with this tremendous challenge and responsibility of raising or teaching a child with defiant behaviors.

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I assure you from first-hand experience, that almost every single family has at least one child who is more than a little bit oppositional. If you are feeling overwhelmed, it is extremely important that you follow the instructions below in order to help your child. Without this appropriate treatment plan, you will be living with these feelings for many years and your child's behaviors will possibly even get worse.

Five Ways To Stay Calm While You Are In the

Learning Process

  1. You MUST have a support system. Find someone who is willing to listen to you and understand what you are going through. Not everyone is able to be supportive, so instead of getting angry at the people who can't be supportive find someone who can. It can be a friend, relative, parents you meet at a parenting class, or anyone else you can think of. Whatever you do, do not voice your distress about the situation in front of your child. Remind your child that you feel confident that you will find the right help for the family. Children can really soften up when they see your sincerity about consulting with authorities about gaining insight into difficult situations.

  2. Do not get caught in the negative cycle of blaming yourself. Even if you recognize that you have contributed to your child's oppositional behaviors, stay focused on seeking help. Do not feel

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terrible about what you should have done differently. Remember, every parent makes mistakes, and by reading this book you are showing that you want to make changes. Ultimately, this will give your child a much bigger advantage than children whose parents are not seeking help.

  3. Identify the problem, and seek appropriate intervention. If your child's behaviors are related to things going on at home, you can see significant changes by seeking professional intervention. Have the evaluator offer you advice about which treatment or combination of treatments would be best in your situation. Depending on the factors that are causing the oppositional behaviors, treatments may vary from a single meeting where a behavioral consultant will provide guidelines on how to deal with your difficult child, to ongoing sessions with a behavioral consultant with or without the school staff, to perhaps counseling therapy for your child, and or you, to hiring a tutor to address the child's academic needs.

  3. Remind yourself that you are in the process of learning to set limits while providing an atmosphere of love and warmth. Keep telling yourself this idea over and over.

  4. Do not view your child's behavior as willful, deliberate or lazy. This approach will only fuel a counterproductive emotional

reaction. Instead, view the problematic behavior as stemming from

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a biological predisposition and your response will be far more likely to be calm and productive in helping your child change his or her behavior.

Be Proud of Yourself

Congratulate yourself on seeking help for your child, and bear in mind that identification and intervention in dealing with your oppositional child are the two main ingredients for success in helping him or her become more compliant.

Perspective Five: Get Advice From Experts and

Ignore Everyone Else

Unfortunately, many parents think that in order to gain cooperation from their children they should speak to lots of different parents about their problems. This creates greater difficulties for the struggling family because all too often well-meaning "advisors" do not know what they are talking about. If you really want to gain cooperation from your child you need to copy the experts and ignore everyone else.

How Do We Know What Really Works?

It is extremely important that you ONLY follow expert parents and teachers in order to figure out exactly what they are doing right. If you spend a lot of time observing these people, you will eventually notice a

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pattern. Experts use specific strategies to turn defiance into compliance. The great news is that you can emulate the experts in order to achieve identical results.

I have worked with many parents who truly love their children but did not have the necessary skills to convince their children that they really loved them and, thus, gain their cooperation. Once these parents changed their words, they reported that there were drastic positive changes in the child's behavior.

Example: When Experts Use "Time-out," They Are

Supportive and Assertive

Though "time-out" has its appropriate place in behavior modification, I have all too often seen parents and teachers use it aggressively or just plain ineffectively. Parents do not realize that if they show their child that they are upset when they put him into "time-out," they are actually causing him to repeat the negative behavior again. The reason for this is that children crave connections with their parents, and any form of emotion is actually a connection.

So, if you tell your child, "That's it, you are in trouble now, and you need to go in to a "time-out," and the child sees your upset face, you are teaching him that this misbehavior rewards him with a connection with you. How detrimental!

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Interestingly, parents almost always tell me that they are not interested in learning "time-out" as a behavioral strategy because they have tried it many times, and know that it doesn't work. I respond to them by telling them that they are right because over 99% of the time, I have seen "time-out" used totally ineffectively. I then teach them a few points that they have to know about "time-out" and tell them that if they are mindful of these specific points, "time-out" will serve its purpose as a deterrent.

Why Reinvent The Wheel?

A trained behavioral consultant does this for a living, and already spent the time researching and learning exactly how to use "time-out" as an effective behavior modification strategy. Why should you reinvent the wheel? Experts know that when you do a "time-out" with a child you are speaking to him in the same exact loving way that you would speak to him if he came to you with a broken leg. The message you want to send to the child is, "I love you and I see that you are struggling. I am here to help." The wording that you would use is, "Aw, when you hurt someone, you need to go to a "time-out." Come, sweetie, "time-out will help you remember that." Say this in a COMPLETELY unemotional matter of fact way, and without giving any eye contact. This will indicate that you are being supportive to your child who just violated a rule. That is how experts are both assertive and supportive when they do an effective "time-out."

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There are actually a few more necessary details that experts use when they implement an effective "time-out," but you can begin to see how understanding this particular detail of "time-out" can dictate how effective or ineffective it will be.

Start Thinking Like the Experts

There are many more techniques that you can use to motivate your child to want to behave. Only one specific strategy has been discussed here, but you can be creative about gaining cooperation by starting to think along the lines of, "What does this child care about?" just like the experts do. If you work hard to get inside your child's head, (as the experts do) the sky becomes the limit in your ability to communicate effectively with your child.

Can You Achieve This Level of Expertise?

Yes. Being an expert parent or educator is within anyone's reach. I have seen the most limited parents learn these strategies and change the entire dynamic in their home. Many of the strategies discussed in the upcoming chapters are being used by master educators, doctors, psychologists, school personnel, and parents. If you learn the techniques and apply them immediately, you can see the same exact results.

Get the Best Recipe if You Want the Best Results

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Imagine that you are participating in a bake-off contest with the possibility of winning $10,000 if your cake comes in first place. If you really need to find the best recipe would you ask someone who did not have much experience baking? Would you ask someone whose cake always flopped? I hope not. You would find someone who bakes excellent cakes and ask them for their recipes. Parenting is a skill that is far more important in its everlasting effects. There are many experts in the field and if you see a parent achieving the results you like, get the "recipe." Just bear in mind that results should constitute two things:

  1. Cooperation from your child.

  2. Enhancement of the relationship you are building with your child.

In the following pages, I will present many different techniques that I have gathered from experts in order to help you reach these two goals.

Perspective Six: You Must Learn Exactly How to be Assertive

Defiant children do best when expectations are spelled out clearly. Consequences must be three things:

Immediate Consistent

Calmly implemented

Why Must Consequences be Immediate?

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The consequences must be immediate so that the child feels the connection between the infraction and the consequence.

Why Must Consequences be Consistent?

Lay out the expectation, and have your child decide whether or not to comply. Point out the consequence for not complying, and be consistent about following through. If you don't, your child will not listen to you in the future. Kind Consistency is when you follow through with your word in a kind way.

Imagine that your boss tells you that you need to finish a certain project within a week. You know that he never follows up on anything, and moreover, he will most likely forget to ever ask you about it again. You might do the project and you might not. Children are the same. If they see that you only follow through with what you say sometimes, this is what they will expect of you. Then you are creating a situation, where sometimes they will listen to you and sometimes they will not.

Why Must Consequences be Calmly Implemented?

Children crave connections with their parents. Any emotional reaction constitutes a connection. So, if you are implementing a consequence for a misbehavior in an emotional way, your child has just received a "free prize" from you. Now he or she has all the more reason to misbehave.

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Before you learn exactly how to do this in the upcoming chapters, you must accept the fact that being assertive can make it or break it.

What Does it Mean to be Assertive?

There are 3 possible ways that you can speak to another person. They are:

  1. Aggressive

  2. Assertive

  3. Passive

Expert parents and educators try to speak to their children assertively. Before I tell you how to be assertive, you need to understand what it means to be passive and/or aggressive. Aggression is when you use force or cause harm. Passivity is when you tell your child what to do and then take no action. Both are destructive and will not produce a child who wants to listen.

Assertiveness is when you voice a decision and stick with it. Being an assertive parent or educator has many benefits.

The Pros and Cons of Being Aggressive or Passive:

 | Pros | Cons |

---|---|---|---

 |   
 |   
 |

Passive | You are not sacrificing | Your | child will not

 | your relationship with | feel motivated to listen

 |   
 |   
 |

 | 41 |   
 |

 | your child. |   
 | to you. |

---|---|---|---|---

 |   
 |   
 |   
 |   
 |   
 |

Aggressive | Your | child | might | You | are | sacrificing

 | comply | (but | only | your | relationship with

 | when you are looking.) | your child, | AND you

 |   
 |   
 |   
 | are inviting rebellion.

 |   
 |   
 |   
 |   
 |   
 |

What Does it Mean to be Assertive?

Being assertive means you lay out clear expectations and follow

through on the consequences for not listening. The beauty of being assertive is that your children will listen to you, and you are not sacrificing your relationship with them. Specific strategies that relate to asserting yourself will be discussed in Chapter III of this book.

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CHAPTER II:

PREVENTION STRATEGIES

Prevention Strategy One: Love Your Child According to This Definition:

Love = Attention + Affection

The two main components of love are attention and affection. Parents must offer these two aspects of love in order to produce feelings of healthy love in children. As a bonus point, when you give proper attention and affection, you are giving children the proper training ground to be involved in healthy relationships throughout their lives.

Human Beings Were Created to Love

Understanding this profound principle will improve the quality of your life. Imagine that you were born as a candle that was only lit with a tiny spark. Every time another flame touches your spark, that tiny spark turns into a growing flame. That tiny spark within us is the ability to love and give. Every time an adult gives love to child, this child's spark (and their ability to love others) grows.

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What is Attention?

Attention is being sensitive and responsive to a child's needs. The needs can range from reaching something on a high shelf, to listening to a child's feelings, to feeding a hungry child. If the child feels that when he or she needs something the parent or teacher takes that need seriously, he is receiving proper attention and ultimately feeling loved. That, combined with affection, is what we call love.

Give Undivided Attention at Least Once a Week

Undivided attention means that your child feels like you are not thinking about anything else in the world besides him. You obviously can't give undivided attention to a child all the time, but if you can do it at least once a week for about a half hour or so you will be saving yourself a lot of pain in the future.

You can make it really important to the child by putting it on your calendar. You can write "Special Albert Time" on the calendar, and let your child choose a fun activity. Your calendar might say "Painting with Albert on Wednesday at 4:00 PM." That would certainly make Albert feel very important. Remember not to do or look at anything else during that special time. Allow your child to feel like during this time nothing else in the world exists.

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What is Affection?

Affection is the physical and emotional warmth we give to our

children. It is the most powerful medium that we possess for communicating love. Hug and kiss your children for as long as they are comfortable with it. Dr. Kevin MacDonald, Professor of Psychology at the California State University, Long Beach, reports that children growing up in less affectionate societies exhibit less pro-social and altruistic behavior. He explains that, conversely, warm parenting tends to produce heroic, pro-social behavior in children.

If your children have reached an age where they are uncomfortable with you hugging and kissing them, find other ways to fulfill their human need for affection. Give them high fives, play-wrestle, put your arm around them, etc. Remember, children who get healthy doses of affection are able to give love more readily to others.

How Will Your Children Benefit From Love?

Feeling loved decreases opposition. Children who feel loved are far more likely to listen to their parents. Think back to when you were a child. You responded to teachers that you felt warm feelings towards, and resented the teachers who did not make you feel loved. When I teach children about being compassionate, I start off my lesson by asking them if they remember something really nice that a teacher once

45
said to them. Most of the children are excited about sharing something positive that a teacher said to them. After a child shares the episode, I ask, "How many years ago was that, and the child says, "One, three, four, etc." I then ask that same child what he ate for lunch last Tuesday. The class laughs, as the child says, "I don't remember." Then I answer with, "Aha, you remember when a teacher did something kind to you four years ago, but you can't remember what you ate last Tuesday."

Then I continue to ask the children if they remember a time when a teacher said something not so nice to them. They all make faces and nod. I do not ask them to share these examples, but I do ask them how many years ago it happened. Again, they answer with, "A year ago," or "three years ago." I proceed to ask them if they remember what they wore last Monday. Of course no one remembers. It is at that point in my lesson that I explain to my students the everlasting effects of being kind and compassionate. I go on to tell them that our souls are wired for kindness and giving, and that is why our souls remember acts of love and acts of non-love, but do not remember petty things like lunches and outfits even if they happened more recently.

Children (and Adults) Are Motivated by Love

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Being a teacher in their school, I happen to know that these children were almost always more compliant with the teachers who truly loved them. You can do this mental exercise yourself. Think of teachers who made you feel loved or unloved, and think of how motivated you were with each one.

The Greatest Teacher

Fortunately, I am acquainted with a lot of excellent teachers, but there is one particular teacher that stands out in my mind as being known for her amazing classroom management skills. Even when she has taught the most difficult children, she has always managed to motivate them to listen. I heard all about her and wanted to learn her secret to getting these difficult children to cooperate. I sat in the back of her class a few times.

Her secret was simple, yet profound. This brilliant teacher runs her entire class on love. She makes each child feel like ten million dollars. She smiles at them, sending them a message that she is happy to see them. She also leaves personal notes on their desks, hugs them, and plays board games with them during recess. They love her back so they listen to her.

Human Beings Were Created to Love (or Give)

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Love is very impressionable. Children remember the times they received love and the times when they did not. Even as an adult, I am sure that it's easier for you to cooperate with people who make you feel like they like you.

Love Goes a Very Long Way

Even though the main discussion is about gaining compliance from children, there are many other bonuses that result from giving proper attention and affection. There are all sorts of interesting studies that have been conducted that indicate that love makes children feel secure, cultivates self-esteem, altruism, empathy, and sociability. Love also prevents delinquency and promotes physical health and cognitive development. For a more in-depth analysis of the research that supports these ideas, read To Kindle a Soul, by Lawrence Kelemen.

An Important Disclaimer

If you find it hard to give love to your children, you might want to ask yourself if as a child your own "love spark" was ignited. Were you given a healthy dose of love? If not, seeking professional help would be a worthwhile investment towards your personal happiness and your ability to give love to your family members. The inability to give love to your children often manifests in you feeling like the children are taking advantage of you, don't appreciate you enough, etc. Remember if you

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are having these feelings, do not blame yourself and further your pain. A

competent therapist can help you.

Prevention Strategy Two: Do Creative Things That Show Your Child That You Are Thinking About Him or Her.

There's a fascinating story about a boy with Down's syndrome who worked as a cashier in a supermarket and significantly increased sales by creatively showing customers that he was thinking about them. His name was Johnny, and he worked hard to learn the customers' names and attach personal notes to their bags. Johnny's line at his register was much longer than the other lines, because people chose to wait in his longer line in order to feel that someone was thinking about them. You can read more about this story on the internet. It is on Barbara Glanz's website, and it is called, "Johnny the Bagger."

How Can You Show Your Child That You Are Thinking About Him or Her?

Leave notes, tell your child that while he or was in school you were thinking about him in a certain context, buy him small and inexpensive things that you know he'd like, tell him that you were hoping to play a board game with him today, etc. The list goes on. Get really creative!

Prevention Strategy Three: Turn Your Child Into a

Consultant.

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Putting your child in charge is an extremely effective motivator. We all love to be consulted with. Imagine how you would feel if someone came to you for advice asking you how to deal with a certain difficult situation. It would make you feel important. Once you feel important because you have given someone else advice on a certain matter, you will make sure to behave in the way that you advised SOMEONE ELSE to behave.

For example, if your friend asks you for advice about how to give quality time to your child each day, and you offer her a really good strategy, you will feel compelled to use that strategy yourself. You will feel even more compelled to use that strategy if you speak to this friend often, and you know that she will be aware of whether or not you have been doing what you advised her to do.

Children are the same. If you ask a child who is struggling with controlling his anger how to help a younger sibling who is struggling with anger, he will most likely offer you valuable advice, and then feel compelled to use the advice himself. The child knows that you live with him, and see his daily behaviors. By putting him in the position of offering advice, you have given him the status of Advisor or Consultant. He will now want to show you how he conquers his own anger, just like he advised this younger child.

There are 3 versions of this technique:

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  1. "What Should I Tell Sammy?"

  2. Have Your Difficult Child Give a Workshop to a Younger Group of Children

  3. Use Role-playing (for preschoolers only)

Version A: "What Should I Tell Sammy?"

Let's take a close look at the child who loves power. We will refer to him as Abie. Imagine that Abie has difficulty making friends. You notice that when he hangs out with his friends he tends to put them down a lot. You decide that you want to teach him the skill of "giving compliments." You remember that he loves to be in charge, so you decide to use a technique that I call, "What Should I Tell Sammy?"

This strategy involves an adult consulting with a child about how to deal with a different child. When I use this technique, I tell Abie that there is a boy (let's call him Sammy) who has difficulty making friends, and he puts children down sometimes. I then ask Abie, "What Should I tell Sammy?" Usually, Abie will say something like, "Tell him that if he wants friends, he has to give compliments." I then thank Abie for the idea, and tell him that I think it might help Sammy a lot.

Everyone Wants to Feel Important

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So now we have a situation where Abie just offered advice to a different struggling child. Since he offered advice that was respected, he now feels like he is the expert in the field, and is much more likely to give compliments to his peers. You can use this strategy with any behavior.

Version B: Have Your Difficult Child Give a Workshop to a Younger Group of Children

I worked with an impulsive 5th grader who had difficulty controlling his outbursts in class. I knew that he loved power, and that earning it would motivate him to work on his character. I set up a rating chart for his teacher to fill out to help him control his outbursts. I wanted to set it up so that his reward for conquering this challenge would be power.

As I saw him making some measurable progress, I told him that if he got certain ratings on his chart over the course of that month, I would need him to come give a speech in a second grade class where the children were struggling with anger management. After a month of hard work, this self-made child gave a motivational speech in the second grade class about ways to control his emotional outbursts. He came to school dressed up in a suit and tie, and gave a beautiful speech about how he was overcoming his struggles. He said, "Let me teach you a few things that will help you control your anger........." His parents were sitting in the back of the room crying, as he told the younger children about one particular strategy he uses when he is angry. He said that he puts all of

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his energy into counting to 100 in his head, rather than screaming the

way he used to.

He Was in the Powerful Position of Advising Others

During the question/answer part of the speech, a second grade member of the audience raised his hand and asked, "What should I do if I count to 100, and I am still angry?" The proud fifth grader said, "You count to 100 again and again, as many times as you need to!" He received a standing ovation from all of the adult members of the audience. (His former teachers and extended family were all invited) This exceptional fifth grader ended his speech with, "If I can do it, anyone can. You will fall sometimes, but tell yourself that it's okay because you are heading in the right direction."

Why This Strategy Works

Guess what happened to this child for the rest of the year. He was practically forced to live up to his reputation in the school as "consultant", and his ability to control his impulses improved drastically.

Version C. Use Role-playing (for preschoolers only)

This strategy entails you asking your child who is struggling with a particular behavior to tell a doll or puppet to engage in the proper

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behavior. (We will call him Abie again) I have designed a simple four-

step approach that teaches you how to do this effectively:

Steps |   
 | What the Adult Says or | What the Child Says

---|---|---|---

 |   
 |   
 | Does |   
 |   
 |   
 |   
 |

 |   
 |   
 |   
 |   
 |   
 |

1. | Have child validate a | "Abie, | tell | Johnny | that | "Johnny, I see you don't

puppet who | is struggling | you know it's hard to | want to clean up because

with cleaning up. | clean up because he must | you are very tired".

 |   
 |   
 | be tired." |   
 |   
 |   
 |

 |   
 |   
 |

2. | Child gives puppet a | "Abie, tell Johnny that if | "Johnny, if you clean up,

reason why it's worthwhile | he | cleans | up, | everyone | everyone will think you are

to do the desired behavior. | will know how big he is." | so big."

 |   
 |   
 |   
 |   
 |   
 |

3. | Puppet | does desired | Adult | role | plays puppet | Child watches.

behavior. |   
 | cleaning up. |   
 |   
 |   
 |

 |   
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 |   
 |   
 |   
 |   
 |

4. | Student | praises the | "Abie, | tell | Johnny | that | "You are so big because

puppet. |   
 | you are so proud because | you cleaned up even

 |   
 |   
 | he | cleaned | up, | even | though you were tired."

 |   
 |   
 | though he was tired." |   
 |

 |   
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 |   
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 | 54 |   
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 |

Once again, the child is more likely to change his behavior because he is being put in a position of being in charge. This strategy also gives the child a deeper understanding of what is expected of him.

Be Creative With Your Child Who Loves Power

Tell him about your own daily struggles at work, and ask him to help you come up with ideas to help you. Tell him about your struggles in human relations. Ask him if he can write a letter to young students about how to make friends. The goal here is to have him advise people about the very behavior that you are helping your child work through. Make him feel important. If you consult with your child who craves power, you can take him a very long way.

The Power of Consulting

Consulting with a child makes him feel so important, that you can also use this technique as a tool to enhance your relationship with your child. I know a mother who used consulting as a tool to become closer with her daughter. Her 2nd grader stopped talking to her mother about her days in school. The mother was very disturbed about this. I suggested that the mother consult with her daughter about small ideas.

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Her mother began to ask her daughter things like, "Do you think we should go to this grocery store or to that one?", "Do you think I should go to the library today or tomorrow?" Of course, this mother was willing to do either of the ideas that the daughter came up with. Don't consult with a child, if you don't plan to follow through with her idea. The mother reported that her child felt important and started talking more. The girl went from advising her mother, to talking about many other things with her. Once the girl was put in charge, she had an incentive to open up.

Remember to Keep Getting Inside Your Child's Head

Power is just one of many things that motivate children. The secret is to try and get inside the head of your child who is exhibiting oppositional behaviors, and figure out what he loves most. "What should I tell Sammy?" was just one of many strategies that you can use to motivate a difficult child who specifically loves power. The deeper you delve into understanding your child's desires, the more you can help him succeed in cooperating with you.

Prevention Strategy Four: Tell Great Stories. (It will Change Oppositional Behaviors.)

An Ounce of Storytelling Can Be a Pound of Cure

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Everyone loves a good story. In Dale Carnegie's book, How to Be an Effective Speaker, he emphasized the idea that if you want to convince someone of something, you should tell a good story. Use a story to drive a point home.

If I, for example am trying to motivate you to show affection to your child, I can go about it in one of two ways. The first way is that I can just tell you that you should trust me when I say that affection is important, and then you might try to give a little more affection to your child.

The second way I can go about it is by telling you a story about a child who grew up without ever being hugged or kissed, and then turned out to be very emotionally unstable. (I would have to describe many minor details of how he grew up, and how emotionally unstable he became, in order to make the story interesting and motivating for you.) If I successfully captivate your interest, and furthermore strike an emotional chord, I am helping you become motivated to change in this area that you are struggling with. If I relate the idea of giving affection to a desirable outcome that you are trying to achieve, you will be much more likely to be moved to make changes in your life. Children are the same.

Effective Stories are Composed of Three Parts

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Part One: Make a Correlation Between a Child Who did not Listen, and the Failures That He Faced

I told a boy named Bobby the following story: "There was once a boy around your age who never learned that it was okay if things did not work out the way he liked. His name was Marvin. When Marvin got to 3rd grade he continued to cry and yell whenever he didn't get what he wanted. One day, the teacher announced that it was raining outside, and the children would be having an indoor recess instead of an outdoor recess. This was very disappointing to him, and once again Marvin cried and screamed.

All the other children in the class just took out a bunch of games and started to play and have fun. Recess lasted 15 minutes. One kid in the class took out a Mini-Monopoly game. (I knew that Bobby loved Monopoly, and loved miniature games) After 12 minutes of crying, Marvin calmed down and asked the kid who brought Mini-Monopoly if he could play. The child said, "Sure," but then the bell rang and recess was over. Marvin was so disappointed because he missed out on something that could have been so much fun."

Part Two: Discuss What the Character in the Story Could Have Done

I then asked Bobby if he had any ideas about what Marvin could have done. He answered that, "Marvin could have told himself that it's okay

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when things don't go his way." I said, "You mean that Marvin could have told himself that it's okay to have an indoor recess even though he loved outdoor recess?" Bobby answered, "Yes."

Part Three: Illustrate How Overcoming the Struggle

Had a Positive Outcome

There are two different ways to go about Part Three: You can either:

  1. Have the same character in the story make a good choice, or

  2. You can create a different character who makes a good choice. Whether you choose to use (a) or (b), make sure that the character who makes a good choice reaps a benefit that your actual child considers worthwhile.

Part Three (a)

Have the Same Character in the Story Make a Good

Choice

"And then," I continue, "two weeks later, Marvin's teacher announced that there would be extra Math homework that night. Marvin was so upset, and he almost cried and yelled (pause here) but, (pause again).............he controlled himself. Marvin remembered that if he spends too much time crying, he might lose out on something fun like he did last time."

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I told Bobby that Marvin told himself that it's okay when things don't go his way. He did not cry this time. Then the teacher told the children that they are going outside to build a snowman (pause), and guess what? Marvin went outside with the class, and got to do the fun activity of building a snowman because he did not waste his time crying about not getting what he wanted." In this case I knew that Bobby loved building snowmen. If Bobby did not care much for snow, this story would not have motivated him in any way. The positive outcome MUST be something that the child cares about.

Part Three (b)

Have a Different Character Make a Better Choice Than the First Character

"You know," I continue, "There was a different boy named Sean who was in the same exact situation as Marvin. One day his teacher announced that there would be extra Math homework that night. Sean also loved when things went his way. He really did not want extra homework and he was starting to get very upset. He almost cried and yelled (pause) but, (pause) he controlled himself. Sean knew that if he spends too much time crying, he might lose out on something fun, like he did sometimes." I told Bobby that Sean told himself that it's okay when things don't go his way. He did not cry. Then the teacher told the children that they are going outside to build a snowman........and guess

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what? Sean went outside with the other children, and got to do the fun activity of building a snowman because he did not waste his time crying about not getting what he wanted." Remember that Bobby was the type of child who thought that building a snowman was an exciting incentive.

Summary of Effective Storytelling (Three Parts)

  1. Tell a story about a child who exhibited a negative behavior (of course you will use the specific behavior that you are trying to target), and failed to achieve an outcome that is important to the child you are working with. ("Johnny often broke people's things, and had no friends")

  2. Ask your student or child what the character could have done differently.

  3. Tell your student or child that either: (a) the character changed his ways, and achieved a desirable outcome, ("Johnny stopped breaking people's things, and then he started to have many friends.") or (b) a different character exercised more self-control than the first character, and of course achieved better results. ("A different boy named Louis was careful not to break other kid's things, and he had a lot of friends.")

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A Few Examples of Stories That Relate Self-Control to A Desirable Outcome

The child who went to sleep on time had a lot of energy in the morning and had a great day. The poor child who kept on coming out of bed did not.

The child who acted very rigid did not have too many friends. When he started to be more flexible, the children in his class started to like him.

(Remember to add lots of interesting details to your story!!!)

Stories Also Teach Children How to Think About Things in Healthy Ways

After hearing several different stories like this, Bobby got the picture, and had a better understanding of what he himself can do better next time.

Tailor-Make the Story for the Child You are Working With

Since I knew that Bobby would love a Mini-Monopoly game, I made the child in the story lose out on that. Had I been working with a different child who was uninterested in board games, yet wanted friends very badly, I would have changed the outcome of the story. It would have

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ended with a child who did not have many friends because he cried so

much.

You Can Use Storytelling With Even The Most

Sophisticated Kids

I tell my students that some of my stories are true, and some are not. They almost always ask me if the story I just told was true or not. Older children prefer true stories, so I keep them in suspense about whether or not a particular story is true. When they ask, I tell remind them of my "Birthday Rule." Once a year, on their birthday, each child can ask me whether one story that I told over the past year was true or not. This way, I am being honest with them, yet still captivating interest from older children who might tune out if they were sure that a story was fiction. And yes, my students really raise their hands on their birthday, and say, "Today is my birthday. Can you tell me if that story about the_______was true?"

Prevention Strategy Five: Smile Often at Your Child in Order to Increase Compliant Behavior

This is an obvious strategy that is very much underused. You knew that you were supposed to be doing this before you read this section, but you might not have realized how far a smile can go as a behavioral intervention strategy. A smile tells a child that you are happy to see him or her. It makes it much more difficult to disobey someone who enjoys

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your company so much. I know a preschool director who practically had a smile glued to her face. I watched these preschoolers interact with each other in her presence. It was an amazing sight to see that these children played beautifully with each other while this director was in the classroom, yet were quite mean to each other when she walked out. Her smile told the children, "I am happy to see you. I think you are wonderful. I know you will be so kind to your friends today.".....And they were.

Start with choosing ten minutes per day that you will smile at your child. (A great time to start this is when your child gets home from school.) If during those ten minutes, your child becomes distressed, continue to set the tone for a happy mood. Add 5 minutes of smiling each day.

Prevention Strategy Six: Practice the Difficult Behavior When the Child is Calm

(Also known as "Cognitive Rehearsal")

What exactly is "Cognitive Rehearsal"?

"Cognitive rehearsal" is a technique used by Cognitive Behavioral Therapists that helps clients succeed in difficult situations by cognitively preparing for it. The way that it works is that the client imagines herself succeeding, and then is more likely to succeed when the situation arises.

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If you notice that a child is struggling with a particular behavior, practice doing that behavior when the child is in a great mood. Let's say that your student is having difficulty listening to adults. (If you are reading this book, chances are that this applies to a child you work with.) When the child is in a great mood, tell him or her that you will practice the skill of "listening." Make it fun, and don't be so serious when you do it, especially with older children. Practice with a few real examples and a few fun ones. "Go get some ice cream from the freezer." "Hang up your coat, please." "Pretend to do your homework while you are standing on your head." You get the point. Get the child in the mode of listening, by practicing in a relaxed state.

Use "Cognitive Rehearsal" to Assist With Impulse Control

Tell your child to close his eyes and imagine that a kid named Fred purposely bangs into him. (Use an example that would really anger your child). Then tell him to imagine the following: "Your heart is starting to beat fast. You feel the sweat coming down your face, and your fist getting ready to punch Fred. Now imagine yourself stopping and telling yourself, 'You could put your fist down'. You even walk away from Fred to help yourself not punch him."

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This whole scenario can prepare your child to control impulses in real situations. The more often you practice, the more results you will see.

Prevention Strategy Seven: Use "Cognitive Rehearsal

as a Behavior Management Tool"

People Perform Better When They are Prepared For Difficult Tasks Which They'd Rather Not be Involved in

Imagine that you work in a school and one day the principal hands you a letter that says, "Please be advised that next week you will be staying in school till 8:00 PM every night." Your reaction is, "Excuse me. I only work till 3:00. Is he joking?!?!" By the way, if you refuse to stay till 8:00 you will lose your job, so you comply resentfully, and do not perform as well as you normally would for the next few weeks.

Now imagine the scenario in a different way. The principal comes to you and says. "Tomorrow I am giving you a letter telling you that you have to stay late next week. I realize that staying late is very hard, and I wish it didn't have to be this way. When I give you the letter, I need you to help the morale of the school, and tell the other teachers that this is a great place to work, even though this situation is not fun. I will be really thankful if you can do this for me." Suddenly, it becomes more palatable because the principal prepared you by telling you how you will succeed.

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I will tell you exactly how you can use this strategy to help your children

listen. There are three parts to this simple strategy:

How to Use "Cognitive Rehearsal as a Behavior Management Tool"

  1. Tell the child that you will supply him or her with a command.

(I'm going to tell you to get into the shower...")

  2. Tell the child that you are aware of what is difficult for him in the situation. ("....even though I know you wish you could continue playing."

  3. Tell him that he will do the command, and gain ___________

from it.

"Then you will get into the shower right away, and you will be allowed to stay up for an extra five minutes."

4.Give the command. ("Okay, Jack. Get in the shower.")

When you use this technique as a behavior management tool, you are simply telling children HOW they will succeed. The message is "I am sure you will succeed. I am just helping you along." The trick is to use this technique BEFORE the child says, "No" to you.

An Example of "Cognitive Rehearsal as a Behavior

Management Tool"

"I am going to tell you to put away your drink even though you like to keep it on the table."

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"You are going to put it away, and....

........ I will tell you that I am proud because you know that big kids do things they don't always like to do."

"Okay, now put away the drink."

Another Example of "Cognitive Rehearsal as a

Behavior Management Tool"

"I'm going to tell you to put away your train set even though you love to play with it."

"You will put it away, even though you really don't want to stop playing now."

"Then I'm going to smile and compliment you on being flexible." "Okay, Love, put away your train set."

A parent told me that her child completely ignored her whenever she told him to put his plate in the garbage. She tried "Cognitive Rehearsal as a Behavior Management Tool" and said, "Robert, I'm going to tell you to throw your plate away. You are gong to put it in the garbage, and then you will feel very mature." Then she said, "Robert, your plate." He threw it away and consequently felt more independent.

Prevention Strategy Eight: Get Your Child to Commit

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Dr. Rick Lavoie taught me that you increase your chances of getting the child to respond by getting her to commit to doing the behavior that you are looking for. If you ask the child in advance if she is going to do x (a specific misbehavior) or y (a specific positive behavior), and she tells you that he will do y, there is a much greater chance that she will really do it. If you say, "Janie, are you going to walk or run?" and she says, "I will walk," there's a much bigger chance that she will really walk, simply because she said that she would.

A Few Examples

"Kim, are you going to cry or say, 'Bye Mommy' when I take you to school?"

"Chris, are you going to use your hands or your words if Joe takes your toy?"

The fact that this strategy is so effective shows you how much a child really needs to feel that he is in charge of his decisions.

Prevention Strategy Nine: Use Praise BEFORE the Misbehavior Happens, in Order to Prevent It (Taught to

me by Mrs. Devora Samet)

The strategy works like this:

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You know that your daughter usually makes fun of people who are very tall. You decide that you want to teach her that big kids know how to "Keep negative thoughts in their heads."

Now imagine that you are walking down the street with your child, and notice that there is a very tall person approaching you that your daughter happened not to notice. Prompt your daughter not to say anything by praising her. Say, "You are really growing up. There's a tall person across the street, and you are not giggling or pointing. That shows me that you know how to "Keep negative thoughts in your head."

What you have done is given your daughter an opportunity to feel that she is mastering the exact behavior that you are looking for. If she hears it often enough, the behavior will stop.

People often think that praise is only used as a reward. Mrs. Devora Samet, a mentor of mine and a brilliant behavioral specialist taught me about the importance of using praise as a prompt as well as a reward. It actually serves very well as a reward, but it just as importantly should be used to prompt a child not to engage in the behavior that you are trying to stop.

Some Pointers About Praise

• Praise more often than the misbehavior occurs. If the child would normally put others down 3 times per hour, say "Good, I see that

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you are keeping negative thoughts in your head", at least 4 times per hour.

• The trick is to praise the child BEFORE the misbehavior happens.

When Praising, Reward Direction, not Perfection

(Dr. Rick Lavoie)

Reinforce Each Step. If you stop reinforcing, children stop developing. Think of a toddler who is learning how to talk. Every time she says a word everyone claps and says it back. If people wouldn't reinforce that her language would develop at a much slower pace, if at all. We need to do the same thing when we reinforce behaviors. If Kenzie usually fights to be first in line and today he tried to be third, you can say, "Kenzie, I noticed that you are trying to remember that it does not matter where you stand in line. I see that today you tried to be third instead of first."

Kid Language for Praising Target Behaviors

  * You are thinking, "It's okay to lose." (for the child who wants to win everything)

  * "I've noticed that you've been playing WITH the children." (for the child who plays alone)

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  * "Excellent eyes on teacher." (for the child who has difficulty focusing)

  * "I'm noticing that you are thinking about others." (for the child who has difficulty sharing or giving)

  * "Good. You are ONLY eating, ONLY drawing", etc. "I see that you are not doing anything else." (for the distractible child)

  * "Wow, I see you know that it's okay to make a mistake."

When Praising, You Can Use "Big Kids"

Terminology

  * "I see that you do not care who goes in line first. That's what BIG KIDS do."

  * "I like how you are sharing your yo-yo. BIG KIDS know that that helps you make friends."

  * "I know that it was hard for you not to complain about tonight's supper, and you decided not to complain anyway. That shows me that you know that BIG KIDS can't always have what they want."

Prevention Strategy 10: Describe What You See

Sometimes you are trying to get your child to do something when he is in a perfectly calm state. Perhaps the child is distracted, or simply hates

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the task that needs to be done. When this happens, you can use "Describe what You See" in order to gain cooperation from your child.

Send a Message to Your Child That He Already Knows What to Do

There are many different strategies that you can use to gain cooperation from your children, through the use of respect. A particular favorite one of mine is called, "Describe What You See." Instead of telling your child, "I said, 'Stop jumping on the couch'", you can very calmly say, "You are jumping on the couch." You are simply describing what you see. It is such a respectful way of speaking, and that is exactly what the child wants – respect. The message you are sending to the child is, "I don't have to tell you what to do. You already know what to do, but you just didn't realize that you were jumping on the couch. Of course, once I bring it to your attention, I am sure that you will stop."

After you say, "The laundry", or "Your homework", walk away. This sends a message that you expect the child to listen. If you stand next to him watching what he is doing, he will feel like you are expecting him to defy you.

Children Do Not Listen Without a Good Reason

In Chapter One we discussed the idea that we often speak to children in terms of our own desires, and get no results by doing this. We gave the

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example of the child who was not motivated to clean up when we said, "Sam, you are making a huge mess!" We realized that while we care about the mess, it did not bother Sam in any way. Therefore, he had no reason to clean it up.

What Do Children Want

Now that you know that most children probably don't care about what we care about (the mess, getting into the bath, etc.) let's think, "What

DO they care about?"

Everyone Wants Respect

Children and adults share the common obvious need to feel respected. We want to know that others think we are great. We feel demeaned when someone commands us in a belittling way. There are so many things that our children must do every day. When a parent is constantly giving commands to a child, and telling him or her to stop doing things, the child might come to feel like, "Can't I do anything right?"

If you are the kind of person who is taking the time to read this book, I can be quite certain that you would never want to make your child feel this way. "Describe What You See" is an extremely simple technique that does not undermine your child's respect.

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You Can Use This Technique to Stop Almost Any Misbehavior

Instead of saying, "You didn't throw your plate in the garbage", which highlights your child's mistake and invites a lack of cooperation, try, "Your plate is on the table." You can even use one simple word to get a point across. If your child is playing roughly with a sibling and hurting his brother's knee, try saying, "His knee, honey", instead of "Stop that. You are hurting his knee." The child then thinks, "Oh, my mother thought that I did not realize that I am hurting my brother. Let me live up to that positive expectation."

When you use this strategy, you must use a calming voice! When your child does not feel attacked you are giving him the tools that he needs in order to feel good about listening.

Why This Strategy Works

Think of it on an adult level. Would you be more willing to cooperate with a boss who gives you commands very often, or a boss who just describes the situation? I know I would certainly be more motivated to work hard for a boss who respects my efforts and trusts that I am trying my best.

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CHAPTER III:

INTERVENTION STRATEGIES

Remember:

Compliance =

Healthy Perspectives +

Prevention +

Intervention

(With Lots of Love in All Three)

I hope that you have studied the Prevention strategies well, and that you have become proficient in implementing them. In the next portion of this book, you will learn many highly effective Intervention strategies that you can use while or after your child is experiencing difficulty complying.

If you apply all of the strategies in the Prevention portion of this book, you will see amazingly significant changes in your child's responses to you. There will be times however, when your child will still not listen and you will have to employ the Intervention strategies. Remember that this is normal because children are people just like us. They are not

robots and sometimes they just don't want to listen to you. When this

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happens, it is imperative that you use these Intervention strategies so that your child understands that there are consequences for not listening. If you do it in a loving way, you are giving your children the greatest training ground that they could have for accepting authority throughout their lives.

Before Choosing a Strategy, Realize that Oftentimes You Can Just Look Away

When you are trying to get your child to stop doing something, the trick is to use the least amount of harshness first. Before you use any interventions, decide if you even want to address the issue. Many behaviors can be stopped when children see that their parents or teachers are giving no attention to them. The power of looking away should not be underestimated!!!

You MUST Know How to Rate Your Child's Arousal Level

The strategies that I will explain in the upcoming chapters have the ability to bring extreme compliance into your home IF USED EFFECTIVELY. These same strategies can also invite a lot of defiance IF MISUSED. The key to using intervention strategies effectively is to RATE YOUR CHILD'S LEVEL OF EMOTIONAL AROUSAL

WHILE HE OR SHE IS MISBEHAVING, AND CHOOSE AN APPROPRIATE STRATEGY THAT WOULD WORK AT THAT

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LEVEL. I will teach you how to rate your child's arousal level, and I will also teach you exactly which strategies are appropriate at which levels of arousal.

So, before you choose your response you MUST rate your child's level of arousal. This idea of choosing these specific types of responses in accordance with a person's arousal level was taken from the Crisis Prevention and Intervention Center (CPIC). Dr. Mary Courtney an extremely insightful mentor of mine added her work to CPIC, so that parents and educators would be able to use the child's body language and language abilities to clearly determine what arousal level the child is at.

How Should You Rate Your Child's Level of

Emotional Arousal?

This Chart Details the Three Possible Levels of Emotional Arousal: (from lowest to highest)

Level of | Body Language | Language Coming | Adult Response

---|---|---|---

Arousal |   
 | From Mouth |

 |   
 |   
 |

SLIGHTLY | Beginning to look | A bit upset | Supportive

AROUSED | upset |   
 |

 |   
 |   
 |

 |   
 | 78 |

DEFENSIVE | Tense, upset face | Repetitive phrases, | Directive

---|---|---|---

 |   
 | hostile silence |

 |   
 |   
 |

ACTING | Sweating, | Grunting, screaming | Containment

OUT | shaking, |   
 |

 | destroying things |   
 |

 |   
 |   
 |

How Can You Know Exactly Which Level Your Child is at?

You must pay very close attention to what your child's body looks like, and the language that is coming out of his or her mouth.

SLIGHTLY AROUSED

The SLIGHTLY AROUSED level is the most difficult to identify because sometimes the child does not show any symptoms or is just beginning to look or act upset. When you feel that you child is at this level, you must use Supportive strategies to bring down the arousal level.

Distractions, Humor, and Validation are a few examples of strategies that are appropriate at this level.

DEFENSIVE

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The DEFENSIVE LEVEL is much easier to identify because your child will demonstrate a clear upset face and be using repetitive phrases. Your child might be saying things like, "I hate this. It's not fair. I don't want to do this." In order for a child to be considered at this DEFENSIVE level, it is not necessary that he or she be repeating the exact same words over and over again, but rather that the ideas are repeated. "I hate this," and "I don't want to do this" can be considered repetitive phrases because they carry the same idea. When a child is at this DEFENSIVE level, he or she is repeating himself, and is losing any language faculties that usually exist. This is why you will not be using very much language at this point. Your child cannot process it, and you must keep the language Directive. "When your laundry is in the basket, we can discuss going out tonight."

If you feel that your child has not processed what you said, you should use the broken record technique and repeat the DIRECTIVE statement. "When your laundry is in the basket we can discuss going out tonight."

THAT'S IT!!!! You may not say anything to your child that is not DIRECTIVE, until he brings himself down to the SLIGHTLY AROUSED level, at which you may use Supportive statements.

ACTING OUT

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You will be able to very clearly identify when your child is at the ACTING OUT level. Even a stranger on the street will be able to identify the ACTING OUT behaviors. It's the point where your child is screaming, grunting, throwing, destroying, or hurting. Any of these behaviors indicate that your child is at the ACTING OUT level of arousal. It is not necessary to exhibit all of the mentioned behaviors in order to be considered at the ACTING OUT level.

At this point, anything that you do will not be helping your child, unless you are using a form of Containment. You are just containing the child in order to keep a safe environment. You are not having any verbal exchanges of language at this point. The beauty of Containment is that all you have to do is wait. (I will describe the two possible Containment strategies at the end of this chapter.) When your child undergoes this experience of calming himself down several times, he is learning that he can calm himself down without assistance. This is a most valuable life lesson, especially for the child who has difficulty with anger management.

Be aware that whichever of the two Containment Strategies you decide to use, it's best if you explain this procedure to your child one day when he is in a good mood.

Review of Appropriate Use of Strategies

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At the SLIGHTLY AROUSED level, you should use supportive strategies that require the child to process language such as humor, validation, etc.

When your child is at the DEFENSIVE level, Directive commands will help.

When your child is at the ACTING OUT level, Containment is the only strategy that will help him and those around him remain safe.

Different Intervention strategies are to be used, depending on the child's level. It is so important that you understand when to use which intervention strategies, because if you use a great strategy that does not work at a certain rating, you would be making matters worse. Do not worry, because the system is very simple to learn. As I discuss each

Intervention strategy, I will outline which Arousal Level you should use it at.

Sometimes You Can Look Away

When you are trying to get your child to stop doing something, always use the least amount of harshness first. Before you use any intervention, decide if you even want to address the issue. Many behaviors can be stopped when children see that their parents or teachers are giving no attention to them. The power of looking away should not be underestimated!!! If you decide however, that the issue needs to be

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addressed, make sure that you are choosing a strategy that is effective for your child's state of emotional arousal during the time of the misbehavior.

The Destruction Caused By Adults Who Do Not Use the Rating System to Choose a Strategy

I know a very dedicated mother who knew the Intervention strategies in this book quite well. Unfortunately though, she was using the right strategies at the wrong times. She loved her son Thomas very much and she often used the Validation strategy in the hopes of helping him calm down, because she knew that in most cases, it was effective. She was confused however, because sometimes when she would validate Thomas he would become even more emotionally aroused. The problem was that she was validating him when he was at the DEFENSIVE on the rating scale. That's the point where he was repeating himself by saying things like, "It's not fair. It's not fair." Remember that when a child repeats himself, it means that the language part of his brain is not fully working. Validation is counterproductive when used with a child who is at the DEFENSIVE level.

When Thomas had already lost the language faculty of his brain, his well-meaning mother was giving him more language to process, which only made him angrier. This is just one example of how destructive it is

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to be lacking the skill of identifying the child's level of arousal in order to choose an appropriate intervention.

Intervention Strategies You Can Use When Your Child is SLIGHTLY AROUSED

All strategies at this level are supportive. Remember, your child is only slightly aroused here, so there is no need for any disciplinary action. Mere support will go a VERY long way.

Intervention Strategy One: Use Distractions.

It is a great technique, especially for younger children. It can be:

a joke a story

anything that makes the child think about something else.

Intervention Strategy Two: "Sometimes Kids...."

This is one of my favorite techniques because children respond so well to it. When you use the "Sometimes Kids...." technique you are showing your child that other kids in this same situation would have been likely to have made worse choices. You are supporting the child by showing him or her that he is making a good choice by staying at the SLIGHTLY AROUSED level. At the exact moment when you notice that your child

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has reached the SLIGHTLY AROUSED Level, you can use this opportunity to help him control himself, by telling him that in his exact situation other kids would have made worse choices. That's why I call this the "Sometimes kids......" strategy.

How "Sometimes Kids...." Works

Imagine that a child is becoming upset about receiving a low mark on a test. You notice that the child is becoming teary eyed, and even a bit upset with the teacher. You decide that the child is SLIGHTLY AROUSED.

You say, "Bobby, sometimes when kids get back tests that have marks lower than they expected, they cry very hard and blame their teachers. You, Bobby are just crying softly, and thinking that everyone gets disappointed sometimes."

I have to say that this strategy works like magic. Bobby is being taught what he should be thinking, and does not want to lower himself to behave like children who "Sometimes....."

A few More Examples of "Sometimes Kids...."

Laura is becoming upset that someone threw a ball at her. You can say, "Laura, sometimes when kids get balls thrown at them, they think it's for sure on purpose, so they hurt the person who threw.

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You, Laura are thinking that it's possible that the ball was thrown

at you by mistake, and you are not fighting back."

Eddie is beginning to get upset about having to stay in class during Recess, as a consequence for not completing his homework assignment. You decide that he is at the SLIGHTLY AROUSED level, and you use the "Sometimes kids......" strategy. You say, "Eddie, sometimes when kids get punished they yell at the person who laid out the rule, but you know that it's okay that you made a mistake and didn't do your homework, and that we have to live with consequences for the actions we choose."

Intervention Strategy Three: Use Validation

Validation is an old tool that we all know we are supposed to use. When you are having a negative emotional response to a situation, a good friend who knows how to validate you can really help you feel better. If you call speak to your adult friend about a frustrating day that you had, you will become calmer just by hearing her respond with, "Wow, that sounds really hard." Children need Validation just like adults do.

Interestingly, Validation is a behavior management tool and a relationship-builder. In this section we will be focusing on validation as an Intervention tool that you can use to gain compliance, after your child is experiencing difficulty. It happens to be though, that the more you

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validate your child and make him feel understood, the less compelled he might feel to defy you, and validation can thus serve as a Preventive tool as well. Every book on human relationships discusses this idea. We all need to be validated sometimes. I will teach you the secret to utilizing this tool properly; you must know when and how to use it.

There are Two Steps to Effective Validation

Step One | Decide if your child is speaking from the head or heart.

---|---

 | (Look at child's face and listen to child's voice to determine

 | if his expression is emotional or not)

 |

Step Two | Answer if the child is speaking from the head, and validate

 | if the child is speaking from the heart.

 |

How Do You Know if Your Child is Being Rational or Emotional?

When a child (or an adult) speaks, he is coming from only one of two places. He is either speaking from his head or from his heart. You must identify where the child is coming from in order to give an appropriate response. You can tell which mode the child is operating in (rational or emotional), by learning to recognize the voice and the face that the child is using. The child can be asking in a calm, curious way, "When is dinner going to be ready?" or the child can be asking in an angry way,

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"When is dinner going to be ready?" In the second scenario the child is

actually saying, "Don't you understand that I am hungry?"

Answer if Your Child Speaks From the Head, Validate if Your Child Speaks From the Heart

In the first case when the child is coming from rational place, an appropriate response would be, "At about seven o'clock", because the child is asking you a question. In the second case when the child is coming from an emotional place an appropriate response would be, "I see that you are very hungry", because the child is expressing a feeling. Learn to read your child's face and listen to his voice if you want to decide when he is speaking from his head and when he is speaking from his heart.

Getting it Wrong

If you validate when your child is telling you something rational, he will think you are strange. If you answer rationally when your child is speaking from emotion, he will feel that you don't understand him. Feeling misunderstood would be a huge threat to your relationship with your child, and ultimately to your child's level of compliance.

Think About Validation in Adult Terms

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When you call up a friend to say that you are all upset about something, you are looking for a friend who will give you a listening ear. A good friend will listen to the voice behind the words. If you have anger in your voice, and say to your friend, "Where have you been for the past two hours?" your friend knows that you really mean, "I am upset because I couldn't get in touch with you." She might respond with, "I see you really needed to talk to me. Is everything okay?" rather than answering the actual question with, "I was in the mall for the past two hours." If she did tell you about her mall experience, without sensing your frustration, you might feel like she does not understand you.

Though your friend has no obligation to give you the validating response, (especially after being attacked by you), it would certainly help you feel closer to her. I strongly feel that with children it IS our obligation to validate them when they have an emotion because we are training them to think that their feelings are valuable. If they know that their feelings are valuable, they will need less validation from outsiders, and will be able to sustain healthy relationships independently. Also, as we mentioned earlier, Validation causes a child's level of emotional arousal to drop INSTANTLY. (This only works before a child reaches the DEFENSIVE level of arousal. Use validation as a powerful behavior management technique that can help you gain great levels of compliance with your children.

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Getting it Right

The secret is to answer when the child is speaking rationally, and validate when the child is speaking emotionally.

Within a few days of doing this, parents notice a calmer, happier, and more compliant child.

Once You Decide to Validate, Do The Following:

  1. Look at the child while he is speaking.

  2. Say "Oh", or "Hmm", or "Aha", or "You seem __________." (Fill in the blank with a feeling word like frustrated, hungry, upset, embarrassed.)

An Example of How to Use Validation

Your child comes to you crying a bit that his sister knocked down his Lego structure. You happen to know that he worked very hard on it. You decide that he is SLIGHTLY AROUSED. Before reading this chapter, you would have explained to your son that sometimes these things happen, and you will help him build another one. You really always had the purest intentions of trying to help your son feel better, but this strategy of explaining things to a child who is speaking emotionally never worked.

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Now that you read this chapter, you understand that since he is screaming, his voice tells you that he must be speaking from an emotional place. Instead of explaining that you will help him rebuild his tower, you say, "That must be very upsetting." You notice that your child starts crying less and less, and within a few minutes is able to calm himself down completely.

Intervention Strategy Four: Motivate Children Using

Tangible Rewards and Privileges

If you think back to our discussion about Motivation from the beginning of the book, you will remember that different children are motivated by different things. Tangible rewards work really well for children who love "new interesting things." You can get really creative about the rewards. They can range from cool pencils to interesting projects to anything that will peak the interest of your particular child.

You can use this strategy at the SLIGHTLY AROUSED or DEFENSIVE levels of arousal. At the SLIGHTLY AROUSED level you will use it in a Supportive way, while at the DEFENSIVE level you will use it in a Directive way. Here's the difference:

If the child is SLIGHTLY AROUSED: "I see that you are upset that we don't have any Ketchup in the house. I know that's hard for you, so you

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get a sticker on your chart for being flexible, and eating your hot dog without ketchup."

If the child is DEFENSIVE: "I need you to have a quiet mouth now so I can give you your hot dog."

Many children enjoy tangible rewards and privileges. Tangible rewards are toys, games, gadgets, books, candy, etc. Privileges can range from listening to a story, to time on the computer, to a trip to the grocery store.

If Your Child Craves Something, Use It as a Reward

You know that anyway you will be giving your child tangible objects and rights to do things throughout the day, so if it's something that the child wants, why not use it as a motivator?

A few examples:

You know that your child prefers a cup of soy milk over regular milk, and you see that he is not so interested in brushing his teeth. Use the soy milk as a motivator.

"Brush your teeth so I you can have your soy milk."

or

"When you finish brushing your teeth I can give you some soy milk."

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You Can Use the Difficult Behavior as the Reward (to be used with younger children)

If the difficult behavior is hitting you can tell the child, "When you finish cleaning up your toys, I will allow you to come help me teach you're your younger brother what it looks like to "not hit."

If the difficult behavior is coming to the dinner table right away, you can say, "After you clean up your toys, I will allow you to come to the dinner table."

If the difficult behavior is sharing toys, try saying, "I like the way you cleaned up. Now you may share your toys with Joey."

Words like, "allow" and "may" indicate that the reward is a privilege. Remember, this only works if the child likes you, and consequently values your suggestion that this privilege is actually a reward. I reiterate that if you read and reread the chapter on Love, you should be able to achieve this relationship with your child.

Use Prizes and Charts

A Formula for How Often to Give a Prize

1. Decide how often your child needs a prize, because every child is able to wait a different amount of time. (Every half hour, once a day, every 3 days, etc.)

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  2. Offer a few choices of prizes that you can reasonably afford to give him or her that often.

  2. Figure out how many times per hour the child exhibits the negative behavior, and praise more often than that. Each time you praise the child gets a star, sticker, etc.

  2. Let the child know how many points the prize is worth. The reward should equal the amount of hours the child can wait to earn a prize, times the amount of praise he will be receiving per hour. Subtract a few points because we do not expect perfection.

An Example

Joey needs to earn a prize once per day in order to sustain motivation. He screams too loud about 4 times per hour, and you know that this means that you have to praise him about 5 times per hour for using a "regular voice." You spend about 6 hours per day with him.

5 (amount of praise per hour) x 6 (hours you spend with him) = 30

A prize should equal about 27 points.

Some Sample Chart Ideas

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You can make a puzzle where the entire puzzle is a picture of the prize. The child earns puzzle pieces towards the prize.

For a child who needs to be praised very often, you can make a row of 10 squares with chips to velcro on. This way, you can restart the chart as many times as you would need to per day.

You can give the child a pouch with beans, marbles, candies, etc.

Be creative!!

Intervention Strategy Five: "Big Kids......."

Children will do almost anything in the world to be considered mature or big. How do I know this? I have used this strategy (Feeding Children's Natural Craving to be Big) countless times in with children over the years. Let's take the example of a child in a classroom struggling with the behavior of "not pushing in line". All I would need to do was make an announcement that "Big kids don't care who goes in line first". Suddenly all the children who were pushing and shoving, are now saying, "You could go before me. I don't care where I go in line."

Use a Matter of Fact Voice

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Don't be dramatic when you use this strategy, or children won't believe that you think they are "big". Use a regular, matter of fact voice.

The "Big Kids" Strategy Has Two Great Benefits

Notice in all three of the above examples, you are commenting on what big kids "know". So you are not only using this as a behavior management strategy, but you are also teaching the child about social cognition. You are training the child to think about his behaviors in a certain way. (Child now thinks, "Big kids know that you don't push, so let me not do that.")

How "Big Kids..." Worked with a Very Young Child

I was recently working with a four year old boy who was giving his mother a hard time about drinking tap water. He told her that he only wanted bottled water and refused to drink water if it came from the sink. I was sitting at a table with this boy and a friend of his. As I started to pour the two boys water from a pitcher, he whispered, "I don't drink water from the sink."

Before he had a chance to not comply I responded with, "That's all we are getting today. Big kids know that water from the sink and water from a bottle both taste yummy." He drank the water. And what was his motivation? He wanted to show that he knew what big kids know.

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Another Example

My four year old child has great difficulty being flexible. He likes everything to be the same way all the time. Predictability is his security motto, and surprises or change in routines upset him a lot. One day we were at his friend's house, and as we were leaving he told me that he was hungry. His friend's mother offered him a piece of yellow cheese. I saw him cringing, and I knew that my son was only accustomed to a certain kind of white cheese in our house.

Before he had a chance to fuss, I said, "You know, big kids try to eat things that are different than what they are used to. Little kids just stay hungry if they can't have the exact food they want, because they only want to eat the same things all the time." As my son took his first bite, I said, "Honey, I know you really like white cheese, and I see that you are trying to eat the yellow cheese because you are so big".

A few minutes later, when I forgot about that conversation we had, my son said, "Mommy, I know that big kids say, 'I'll just try the yellow cheese.' I forgot, what do little kids say?"

Children want to feel like they are acting mature, so remember to use it as a motivational strategy.

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When the Child is Becoming Upset, Make Comments Like:

  * "6 year olds know that it does not matter who gets in line first." (Child thinks: "I'm big, so I don't care who gets their pizza first.")

  * "Teenagers know that if you think about others, people will like you. Younger kids don't know that if you don't think about others, people will think you are being selfish." (Child thinks, "I know that because I am a teenager.")

  * "Big kids like you know that we can't always have what we want." (Child thinks, "I know that, so I am not going to carry on about it.")

Intervention Strategies You Can Use When Your Child is at the DEFENSIVE Level

All strategies at this level are supportive.

Intervention Strategy 6: Use a "When-Then"

Statement

The rule is that whatever a child craves can be used as a reward. The "When-Then" strategy works like this: Let's say that your child is throwing a tantrum because he does not want to clean up his toys. You

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observe him and decide that he is at the DEFENSIVE level of arousal. You know that he would love to go to the candy store, and you have no problem taking him.

Say, "When your toys are all cleaned up, then I'd love to take you to the candy store." This is called a "When – then" statement. The idea is "when you do.....then......"

More Examples

Your child wants you to read her a book. She puts up a fuss about brushing teeth. Say, "When you brush your teeth, (then) I can read you a book."

Your child asks if he can go play outside. You remember that he has been forgetting to do his homework lately. Say, "Sure, (when) as soon as your homework is completed." (then you can play outside)

Your child asks if she can stay up for an extra 10 minutes. You really need her to pack her snack for the next day. "Sure, (when) if your snack is packed by 7:30." (then you can stay up for an extra 10 minutes)

Intervention Strategy Seven: Offer Limited Choices

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This simple strategy provides the child with two choices. Since all children have the need to feel that they are in control of some things, this strategy gives you an opportunity to fill that need.

"Do you want to do your homework now or in ten minutes?"

  * "Do you want to eat your fish sticks with ketchup, or without ketchup"?

Intervention Strategy Eight: "I hope you...."

"I hope you..." is a positive strategy that tells your child what the consequences would be for not listening. The exact wording for this strategy is:

"I hope that you....(positive behavior) because I really want you to be allowed to...........(incentive).

Examples

  * "I hope that you are out of the shower by 7:30 because I really want you to be allowed to use the computer tonight."

  * "I hope that your homework is done by 8:00 because I really want you to be allowed to play Monopoly with your brother."

  * "I hope that you share your toys with Joey because I really want to ask his mother if he can stay an extra half hour."

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Why "I hope you....." Works

You are telling your child that if he chooses to engage in the cooperative behavior, he will be able to participate in something he values. The idea is the same as "When...then....," with a variation in the wording.

Intervention Strategy Nine: "You can either......"

This is a strategy that you can use to help your child make good choices. You are just telling the child that he can either listen and benefit in a certain way, or not listen and lose out in a certain way. Use the wording ONCE when you talk to your child. Let him or her choose the behavior, and you just carry through on the consequence.

Use the following format:

"You can either do x, and then have y, or if you by mistake do not do x, you can have y a different day." When you use this wording, you are allowing your child to make choices, and be accountable for the outcome. This strategy requires you being assertive, as discussed in Part I of this book.

I have outlined 4 simple steps that you can follow to help you gain immediate results by using this technique:

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How to Help Your Child Be Accountable For Decisions

  1. Tell your child what the specific expectation is. (must be reasonable, of course)

  2. If you think the child won't comply, tell the child what will happen if he listens, and what will happen if he doesn't.

  3. Let the child make the choice.

  4. Follow through with what you described in Step 2.

An Example of How to Help Your Child Be Accountable

  1. Josh, "I need you to be home by seven o'clock". ("I need you to be on time" would not be specific enough.)

  2. If you have a good reason to believe that Josh won't be home by seven say, "If you are home by seven you can go out again tomorrow night." Another way to say this is, "You can either be home by seven and go out again tomorrow night, or if you come later than seven, you won't be allowed to go out tomorrow night."

  3. Wait for child to make decision.

  4. If child comes home by seven, let him go out the next night. If not, he cannot go out the next night.

Within a Few Days, You Will See Astronomical

Results

What will happen after a few days of being assertive? Your child will expect you to be consistent, and he will learn that you mean business.

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The first few days he or she will "test the waters", but then you will see

significant results.

How to Use This Strategy When a Child Repeatedly Asks for Something

  1. Josh, "I need you to stop asking me to take you to the pool."

  2. If you have a good reason to believe that Josh will keep asking, say, "You can either stop asking and I will take you to the park in 10 minutes, or if you ask again we'll have to go a different day."

  3. Wait for your child to make a decision.

  4. If your child stops asking, take him to the park today. If not, don't.

Remember that in Step 2 you MUST state the positive and negative behavioral choices with the positive and negative consequence for each.

The attitude I give over to children is: "You Are in Charge of the Choices You Make. I will just tell you What the Rewards and Consequences Are." I have found this attitude to work best with oppositional children. It nurtures their conflicting needs to be in control, while simultaneously feeling the security of an adult being in charge. Let children make as many decisions as they can within what you consider okay.

Another Example

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You can either eat the fish ticks (with or without ketchup) and then get a story at bedtime, or you can not have the fish sticks, and just have a story tomorrow night.

For an Older Child

A child is playing on the computer. His mother says, "Alex, your homework needs to be finished by 8:15. That's in 5 minutes."

Alex answers, "I just want to play this game for another half hour."

(You as the parent can decide if you want to give your child that privilege. If you do, that is okay, as long as you tell the child that you decided to allow another half hour. Then you are sending a message to the child that compliance is a must.)

Let's say that you decide that finishing homework by 8:15 that night is something you should insist on, because that is what is ultimately best for your child...........

Let Your Child Decide Whether or Not to Have His Homework Done By 8:15 – Just Lay Out Clear Consequences

"You can either be finished with your homework by 8:15 and then have computer privileges tomorrow, or you can not be finished by 8:15 and then do other things after school tomorrow".

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It's All About Being Assertive

I love this technique because it avoids power struggles, it's assertive, AND it allows the child to make fair choices on his own. You don't even have to say, "If you don't finish your homework by 8:15, you will not be allowed to use the computer tomorrow night." You are not withholding anything from the child. He is choosing his own fate.

Be Creative With the Outcomes (and Fair, of Course)

"You can either use a softer voice, and we will stay in the library, or if you can choose to use a loud voice in our backyard."

"You can either wake up at 7:00 tomorrow morning and be ready for me to drive you to school at 7:20, or you can take the bus."

Show Kind Consistency

Make sure to follow through with whatever outcome your child chooses. If you don't, this strategy will not work for you in the future. Remember that Kind Consistency is when you follow through with your word in a kind way.

Intervention Strategies You Can Use When Your Child is ACTING OUT

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There are 2 possible strategies you can choose from when your child is at the ACTING OUT level of arousal. You can either use "Active Ignoring" or a "Calm-Down."

Intervention Strategy Ten: Use Active Ignoring

You can only choose this technique if your child and everyone around him is safe while he is at the ACTING OUT level. If you think that your child is threatening his own safety or the safety of those around him, you need to do a "Calm-Down."

Active Ignoring is when you TOTALLY and UTTERLY ignore your child until he returns to the DEFENSIVE level of arousal. You may tell your child ONCE that as long as he screams you will be TOTALLY ignoring him. That means:

No eye contact No explaining

No, "I am ignoring you."

Make sure your child sees that you are very engaged in something else. (Cooking, sewing, reading, etc.)

Intervention Strategy Eleven: Do a "Calm-Down"

A "calm-down" is a version of time-out. I include this strategy in this book with great hesitation. Time-out has its appropriate place in behavior modification, but I have all too often seen parents and teachers

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use it in aggressive ways or just plain ineffectively. When you do a "Calm-down" with a child you are speaking to him in the same exact loving way that you would speak to him if he came to you with a broken leg. The message you want to send the child is, "I see that you are struggling. I am here to help." I like to use the word "Calm-Down" instead of "Time-Out" because it has a more positive connotation.

The "Calm-Down" place should be an empty area with zero

stimulation, so that the child will crave coming out.

There are 3 Possible Times When You Would Use the "Calm-Down" Strategy

  1. You use a "calm-down" when your child is at the ACTING OUT level of emotional arousal. You will know this if your child is screaming, throwing, hurting, etc.

  2. You do a "calm-down" when your child defied a command that you gave three times. (Wait a few seconds for the child to comply before stating the command a second or third time)

  3. A child goes into an automatic "Calm-down" for cursing, being physically aggressive, or destroying property.

Remember that most people do Time-out the wrong way. You must

follow these eight steps in order to see results.

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  8. Steps To An Effective Time-Out

  1. Say, "Aw, you threw a book. I am so sad that you need to go into a "Calm-down. A Calm-Down is 3 minutes, or if you go nicely by yourself it will be 2." Wait 10 seconds. If child doesn't go, take him there. (For an older heavier child, you wouldn't physically take him there, but rather say that you will completely ignore him until he serves his time-out)

  2. While the child is in the "Calm-down", make sure that you are very busy doing something else (reading a book, working on your computer, etc.) because you cannot give the child ANY attention. (No eye contact, no "I'm ignoring you," and no explaining)

  3. If child is screaming or kicking, ignore the child. Every half a minute or so, praise the child's body parts that are calm. We divide the body into 3 parts: mouth, hands, and feet. ("Good calm hands and feet. When I see calm mouth I can start the timer.")

  4. Tell the child that when he is in the "ready position", you can start the timer.

  5. If NO body parts are calm say, "When I see calm hands, mouth, and feet, I can start the timer," in a very soothing voice.

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  6. When your child is totally calm, start the timer for 2 or 3 minutes, depending on whether the child went to the "Calm-down" by himself or with your help.

  6. Tell your child that if he moves his hands or feet or talks before the timer goes off, you will have to restart the timer.

  6. Reconnect with your child. It's very important that you reconnect so that your child knows that the "Calm-down" was not something that will get in the way of your relationship with him, but rather a strategy that you are using to help him regulate his emotions. Reconnecting could be anything that involves a positive exchange between you and your child. (Small talk, an activity, a smile, etc.)

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Conclusion: Applying What You Learned

Now you can congratulate yourself for having reached this point in the book!!!! Though parenting is one of the most rewarding and fulfilling projects one could be involved in, it is also an astronomical challenge. You have committed yourself to learning what works and what doesn't because you want to enhance the quality of your family life. That is a tremendous thing that sets you apart from many parents in your identical situation.

Now that you have read all of the Perspectives, Prevention strategies and Intervention strategies, you have some very solid, practical, and effective tools to utilize when challenges arise. The difference in you as a parent before and after reading this book is NOT that your children will now always behave. That couldn't be further from the truth.

However, two things about your home are indeed very different now. Your children should be listening to you a lot more than they were before you employed the strategies outlined in this book. Also, now when a challenge arises you should have clarity about what to do. You will feel empowered because you will know which strategy to employ in a very situation that used to make you want to cry.

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If you feel that you have more case-specific questions, you can contact me at tammysassoon@gmail.com in order to arrange for a private phone consultation.

Your journey towards becoming the kind of parent who truly understands your children might' have just begun. Even if that is the case, you now possess a wellspring of information that you can use as a resource forever.

I want to bless you from the depths of my heart for committing yourself to this awesome responsibility of bringing a child into the world. May you always find the inner strength to connect with your children in ways that motivate them to want to be the kind of people that you want them to be.

If you feel you gained from what this book has given you check out TammySassoon.com for more of Tammy's insights.

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