LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME
ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
AND I AM SO HAPPY-- YOU KNOW
WHAT?
I CAN TELL YOU'RE HAPPY.
I'M HAPPY TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
I'M HAPPY HERE IS HERE TONIGHT
BECAUSE IT WAS A LITTLE DICEY
THE LAST 24 HOURS.
BECAUSE REMEMBER WHEN TRUMP
KILLED THE TOP IRANIAN GENERAL
QASSEM SOLEIMANI AND EVERYBODY
WAS LIKE, "IS THIS WORLD WAR
III?"
WELL, I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE
IT'S NOT WORLD WAR III!
IT'S NOT!
 ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CAN TELL,
BUT WE MADE MOST OF THIS GRAPHIC
WHEN WE WERE A LITTLE MORE
NERVOUS.
 ( LAUGHTER )
BUT HERE'S THE THING.
IT'S NOT WORLD WAR III, AND
THAT'S WONDERFUL.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE NOTHING
HAPPENED.
LAST NIGHT, IRAN FIRED 22
MISSILES AT TWO MILITARY BASES
IN IRAQ WHERE AMERICAN TROOPS
ARE STATIONED.
THE ATTACK HAPPENED AT 5:30, AND
FOR HOURS, WE KNEW NOTHING.
THEN AT 9:45 P.M. EASTERN TIME,
OUR COMMANDER IN CHIEF TWEETED
AT A WORRIED NATION, "ALL IS
WELL!
 (  LAUGHTER  )
MISSILES LAUNCHED FROM IRAN AT
TWO MILITARY BASES LOCATED IN
IRAQ.
ASSESSMENT OF CASUALTIES AND
DAMAGES TAKING PLACE NOW.
SO FAR, SO GOOD!
WE HAVE THE MOST POWERFUL AND
WELL EQUIPPED MILITARY ANYWHERE
IN THE WORLD, BY FAR!
I WILL BE MAKING A STATEMENT
TOMORROW MORNING."
WELL THERE TTHERE IT IS.
NOTICE YOU KNOW.
SO IMPORTANT, SO IMPORTANT.
RIGHT THERE IN BLACK AND WHITE:
REASSURANCE FROM THE COMMANDER
IN CHIEF THAT THERE IS
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO WORRY-
>> ALL IS WELL!
>> Stephen: OH, NO!
IT'S "THE LATE SHOW'S ALL IS
WELL" ALARM!
JON, QUICK!
GET THE HAPPINESS FOOTBALL!
QUICK!
DO YOU HAVE YOUR KEY, JON?
>> Jon: YES, YES.
>> Stephen: INSERT YOUR KEY.
INSERT YOUR KEY.
ON MY MARK...
3...
2...
1..
( ALARM STOPS )
>> Stephen: GOOD WORK, JON.
>> Jon: MAN!
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON,
GOOD WORK.
 ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S OKAY, FOLKS.
IT'S OKAY.
WE'VE ACHIEVED "DEFCON FINE."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
NOW, YOU'LL REMEMBER, AFTER THE
SOLEIMANI STRIKE, TRUMP TWEETED
A LOW-RES IMAGE OF AN AMERICAN
FLAG.
AND I GUESS TO DRIVE HOME THE
POINT THAT THIS WAS RETALIATION,
AN IRANIAN OFFICIAL TWEETED
THIS:
THEY'RE FIGHTING WITH CLIP ART.
CAN IT'S MEME-- IT'S MEME
WARFARE.
TRUMP WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO
HIT BACK WITH, "EHRMAGERD, WE'RE
AT WEHR!"
NOPE!
NOPE!
NOPE!
DON'T SPOIL ME.
THEN, AS PROMISED, THIS MORNING,
TRUMP EMERGED TO ADDRESS A
WORRIED WORLD FROM WHAT LOOKED
LIKE A LIVE NUCLEAR REACTOR.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
THE PRESIDENT STARTED HIS
STATEMENT WITH A WEIRDLY ABRUPT
GREETING.
>> AS LONG AS I AM PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES, IRAN WILL
NEVER BE ALLOWED TO HAVE A
NUCLEAR WEAPON.
GOOD MORNING.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
>> Stephen: STRANGE, VERY
STRANGE HELLO.
 ( AS DENTIST )
"AS LONG AS I'M YOUR DENTIST,
YOUR FILLINGS WILL NEVER BE
COMPOSED OF MASHED-UP, OTHER
PEOPLE'S TEETH.
HELLO, I'M DR. DITWORTH."
>> Jon: OH, MY GOSH.
>> Stephen: TRUMP WAS QUICK TO
DLAIM VICTORY.
>> IRAN APPEARS TO BE STANDING
DOWN, WHICH IS A GOOD THING FOR
ALL PARTIES CONCERNED, AND A
VERY GOOD THING FOR THE WORLD.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)
"IRAN APPEARS TO BE STANDING
DOWN.
AND THANKS TO AN ELABORATE
SYSTEM OF ROPES, PULLEYS, AND
MIRRORS, I APPEAR TO BE STANDING
UP."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
"PRETTY GOOD.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE,
DAVID COPPERFIELD."
 ( APPLAUSE )
OLD REFERENCE.
OLD REFERENCE.
OF COURSE, IT WOULDN'T BE A
TRUMP SPEECH WITHOUT SOME
MISS-SPEACHING.
>> THE CIVILIZED WORLD MUST SEND
A CLEAR AND UNIFIED MESSAGE TO
THE IRANIAN REGIME:  YOUR
CAMPAIGN OF TERROR, MURDER,
MAYHEM WILL NOT BE TALA-RIDED
ANY LONGER.
AMERICA'S ACHIEVED ENERGY
INDEPENDENCE.
THESE HISTORIC ACCOMPLAMENTS...
CHAINS OUR STRATEGIC PRIORITIES.
IT.
>> Stephen: REST EASY,
AMERICA.
THAT IS THE MAN DECIDING WHO
LIGS AND WHO DIBES.
