

NEXT

to the

MULATTO

Gbemisola Akinsipe

(Author of THE ENOUGH EXPERIMENT)

Next to the Mulatto

© 2019 by Gbemisola Akinsipe

ISBN: 9780463130414

All rights reserved. This book is not to be sold but may be reproduced, copied, and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete original form.

It is purely a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, are coincidental and a product of the author's imagination.

For comments, feedbacks and reviews, send an email to akinsipegbemi@gmail.com

eBook Cover Design and formatting:

https://esteemcity.com
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

First of all, I thank God for the privilege to know Him. I am grateful for His gift in my life and His inspiration at every turn, this book is His idea. I thank Him for His Word that is radically transformative and for several mentors He has brought into my life.

I acknowledge my parents, Pst & Pst (Mrs) Akinsipe for their support and teachings that have shaped me. I am thankful to my siblings, Yimika, Fayo and Demilade, for their love and encouragement.

I am grateful to my dear friends Folayemi, Glory, Fayoke who were of tremendous support. Thank you for cheering me on and reading this manuscript multiple times. Thanks to Fejiro baby and Blessing for being there and rooting for me.

I say a big thank you to my editor, Chukwuka Nwabuogor. I am so glad I met you. You are such a gift.

I thank all the amazing ladies who have been reading, sharing and giving feedback on the biGe stories, you have no idea how much of an encouragement you've been. May we continue to shine for the Lord.

Finally, to everyone that reads this book, thank you. Thank you for entrusting me with your time. I pray you are blessed by it.

DEDICATION

This is dedicated to you, beautiful one.

"Every part of you is so beautiful, my darling. Perfect is your beauty, without flaw within" Songs of Solomon 4:7 (TPT)

"For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things He planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)
PART ONE

Ayomi got off the brown leather sofa and picked her wallet.

"Where are your keys?" she asked

Lisa, her sister pointed to the bunch of keys on the polished wooden table in the shape of an arc under the bronze accent mirror in the entryway.

"Be making someone look like a screp" she lamented, glancing briefly at the mirror.

Lisa who had been pushing for them to go out all day had finally got her to succumb. In honesty, it was not a difficult argument to win. They had been in the house since she came visiting the day before and being cooped up in the same place all day was starting to take its toll on her too. Though technically, a person could not be "cooped up" in a house as big as the one Lisa's husband, Tonye, owned.

Moreover, they were in a good place in their complicated relationship, agreeing was the right thing to do.

"I had no intention of going out today" she continued, stepping out of the house with the door open behind her.

"Thank you, thank you. It's not far, the mall down the road is fine" Lisa said, grinning sheepishly.

"Down the road, as if."

"Let me get my bag"

"Get a face cap too and hurry before I change my mind" Ayomi shouted as she unlocked the car and sat. Lisa came out of the house shortly after.

"You're not showing yet and you're blaming everything on the baby"

"It's the baby really" Lisa replied

"We're only getting ice-cream and coming back"

"Haba now." She handed the face cap to Ayomi "Can't you just be a nice baby sister for once? We've been inside all day. I'm tired of being indoors."

"Lisa, you're such a crook!"

"Me?"

"Yes, you."

Lisa laughed as they drove out, barely acknowledging the nodding gateman "Say what you want, we've left the house. Do you think it's easy to be jobless? I have nowhere to go every day."

"Who sent you to quit?" Ayomi said and rolled her eyes.

"Ehn ehn so it's like that. 1-0"

"Ha-ha"

"I couldn't take it anymore. That woman is a stupid witch."

"Lisa"

"I'm serious. She hadn't paid me in three months and she was still expecting top notch, complete submission. That's the problem with all these one-man businesses, they'll just be doing anyhow and thinking they're cool. We were not making any money and she was forming entrepreneur on Instagram."

"Shade, beef, hate," Ayomi said as she laughed "You worked with her for less than 6 months."

"4 months actually and I can't wait to go back to proper organizations."

"Engineer Lisa. Is it not ordinary internship you did at your Oil and Gas Company? Be forming proper organizations there. Internship and finding Mr. Right"

Lisa laughed, "Leave me o"

"I'm not holding you"

"Na so. You're so cheesy, Ayomi" she paused "working for that woman was so annoying but staying home alone has almost been worse. I would have gone crazy if you hadn't come yesterday."

"Look at you, my new job starts on Monday."

"Wait, you're really going? You're going to relocate?"

"Is that a question?" Ayomi responded, laughing again "We're not all married to oil workers"

"That we never see"

"But you're pregnant"

"This your mouth. You're not alright." Lisa paused "But you know he's never around"

"Yeah."

"When is he coming back?"

"Hopefully tomorrow"

"Tonye, Tonye" Ayomi pulled into the supermarket. "He'll make it up to you as usual"

"Yeah" Lisa got out of the car "Are you not coming with me?"

"Looking like this? Definitely not"

"You look fine jor"

Of course, she would say so, Ayomi thought. Looking at her half-sister, the perfect offspring of their Nigerian dad and her late Irish mother, she held back a sigh. This had been her life for 23 years and she was still not used to it.

"Oya please" Lisa begged, pushing back her mane; the beautiful black mass of natural hair she had.

"But you can go in alone. Why do you always have to drag me along?"

"Why do you want to sit in the car?"

Ayomi sighed, adjusted the face cap and got out, "I'm just being nice because I'm leaving you soon"

"Thank you"

"I think I'm going to cut my hair" Lisa whined as they walked into the store "It's becoming too stressful to maintain again. Half of the time I don't know what to do with it"

Ayomi almost rolled her eyes. They had been down that road before; Lisa had chopped off her long relaxed hair during her final year in University to go on a natural hair journey. Less than two years after, a forest had grown on her head.

"It will only grow back. Moreover, you said Tonye likes it" Ayomi reached for a basket.

"I don't know jor"

"Have you had this new cereal?" Lisa asked reaching for a pack "It's terrible"

"The plan was ice-cream, why are we on this aisle?"

"We're here already. We might as well make the most of it"

Ayomi was about to reply when she noticed that Lisa had caught the attention of a tall weird-looking man on their aisle. She smiled, it happened every time. She observed him watch Lisa for the rest of the shopping trip and almost burst into laughter when he speedily abandoned his own search to follow them to the checkout line.

"I've got it," he said as Lisa stretched out her ATM card to the cashier. He reminded Ayomi of one of those chiefs in old Nollywood movies. He was too young for the potbelly he had.

"No thank you" Lisa replied without raising her head. Ayomi could not restrain her chuckle at this point. She had always been fascinated by the exchanges that ensued when Lisa encountered a bold admirer. They had always been interesting to watch but since Lisa's wedding six months earlier and her new interest in feminism, they had become far more entertaining.

"I insist"

Right on cue, Lisa turned to the man with a stiff smile, raised her left hand so he could see her shiny wedding band and blinding engagement ring.

"Thank you but no thanks. I've got this."

"It's my pleasure"

The cashier was amused at the moment but Ayomi knew the other people on the queue were not into the whole spectacle.

"Here" Ayomi gave her card to the cashier and completed the payment. Lisa walked out with the bags, irritated.

"But why so angry?" Ayomi teased on their way back

"Did he think I could not afford to pay myself? I showed the idiot my ring."

"I don't remember you being so angry about these things. Moreover, you are not earning steady income." Ayomi said, laughing.

"It's not funny. So because I'm a lady he offered to pay. Why didn't he offer to pay for the guy before me? Did he think I came into the supermarket and picked all those things because I was hoping some guy would pick up my bill?"

"Someone cannot be chivalrous towards you again."

Lisa hissed. Ayomi kept laughing.

"And he had the nerve to follow us out after I shut him down"

"He didn't even take anything out of the supermarket, such love," Ayomi added.

"Ayomi, it's not funny."

"You're right" Ayomi replied and stopped laughing. For many years, such exchanges had been fascinating but definitely not funny. She had hated them.

Secondary school had been so tough for her because everywhere they went, the guys flocked to Lisa while she stood on the side, invisible. It was that thing about the "Post-Colonial blues". Whiter just seemed better to all the 'shallow boys' in their school and they wanted to date Lisa, the half-caste, "the mulatto". Lisa was always just a class ahead so her shadow had been impossible to escape. Lisa was the fresh, beautiful girl and she was just her shockingly dark sister. She had hoped that her more African genes would kick in and somehow make her more 'endowed' than Lisa so she could win on that end but even that had not worked. It turned out Lisa's half African genes were enough to do the trick. By SS1, Lisa had not just the pretty face, light skin and full hair but the curvy body to seal the deal. It also did not help that she could play basketball, act and score pretty good grades. Sadly, it did not end in school. Even at home, it was all about Lisa.

Growing up, Ayomi felt she had been entered into a competition she could not win. Lisa was the only child of their dad's first and probably one true love. Lisa was the child her own mother had to love in order to win her father's favour. Lisa was the sister that her brothers preferred to be seen with, to boost their status. Lisa was everyone's first choice and she? She was just the add-on. It used to hurt a lot back then. Now she tried to give it no thought but was hardly ever successful.

"Sorry MBGN" She said, feigning sympathy

"You're silly," Lisa said, grinning "Please let's go home."

"Sure."

"No, not my place. Mum said I should make you come"

"Lisa" Ayomi shook her head, it was amazing that her own mother was closer to Lisa but then, that was how it had always been.

Ayomi was 10 when she accepted that there was something different about her family. She had always noticed the disbelief in people's eyes when she insisted that Lisa was her sister; same father, same mother but at ten, when she found the carton with the pictures of her dad and an oyinbo woman, she knew she had questions to ask. Her parents had never brought it up so she knew not to ask them for more information. Curiosity had eventually led her to Lisa instead. Unfortunately, that did not go well. She would never forget the day she had calmly asked Lisa where her real mother was. She had seen surprise flash in her eyes and known immediately that Lisa had not been in on 'the family secret' too.

Lisa had burst into tears and gone to inform their parents. The flogging she received from both of them was what cemented that day forever in her memory, it was the first time her dad had beaten her with a cane. For the next couple of months, she had let confusion and silent resentment for Lisa brew in her. She concluded that it was Lisa's fault that their dad flogged her. She was the kind of child that would say very little but let her imaginations run wild, and run wild, they did. She came up with several theories, with the help of the movies she had seen. The most outstanding one was that her parents had adopted a baby, Lisa, because they could not have their own children early on but unknown to them, the child was a demonic baby, a strange child from the river goddess which explained why Lisa was so fair and had eyeballs that were a strange shade of brown. At 10, the logic made sense and she put away thoughts of the oyinbo woman.

When Lisa turned 12 some months later, their dad called them together and with the pictures from the carton, briefly explained what had really happened. Apparently, Lisa was his daughter. His first wife, the oyinbo, had passed away and he had married Ayomi's mum. He said it did not matter and that they were both sisters in every way. As their dad shared the story that day, Ayomi's mum held on to Lisa, repeating that she loved her truly as her own daughter. Their twin brothers, who were too young to understand then, had been securely planted next to their dad on the sofa, his joy and pride. No one held on to Ayomi. It was the sadness she felt in that moment that made it unforgettable.

Maybe it was because of her wild imaginations, the mean thoughts she had previously harbored and the Cinderella movie she had seen the night before but Ayomi left that family meeting feeling like Lisa was Cinderella and she was her wicked stepsister.

Their dad's narration that day was what they all grew up with and her mum did everything humanly possible to ensure Lisa never felt different. She was the antithesis of the wicked stepmother and in moments when Ayomi was not too jealous of Lisa, she admired her mother for being so large-hearted. As they grew older, different questions and assumptions had arisen, demanding a more robust explanation. Her dad dedicated several special moments to tell Lisa about her mother and that relationship became something else Ayomi envied. Their dad loved the freedom of being able to talk about his late lover. They travelled together a couple of times to explore the sites he had visited with her mother and to see her maternal grandparents who had initially disapproved of their daughter's marriage to a Nigerian.

Lisa would return with stories of her adventures 'overseas' and her dear grandparents who treated her like a princess. There always seemed to evolve, another reason for Ayomi to be jealous. They eventually got to travel often as a family but she never got close enough to creating the kind of bond Lisa had with their dad. She lost her dad to Lisa. Sadly, her mother was no different. She felt the need to overcompensate for the loss of Lisa's mum and Ayomi felt she lost her to Lisa too.

At 14, Ayomi had pressured Aunt Nife, their dad's youngest sister and popular black sheep of the family, into telling her every detail and the answers she had received did not surprise her. It was as if she just wanted someone to buttress what she already thought; she was the second choice, her mum was the second choice. Aunt Nife's version did not disappoint.

The full story was that her dad had gone on a foreign assignment in his early 30's to Holland. There he met Aileen, an Engineer also on foreign assignment, who became the love of his life. They had gone on trips round Europe and Africa together, a fact their dad had left out even as he showed the photos from the carton, most of which had been taken on those trips. When the foreign assignment was over, her dad, then 36, returned with this woman. They were not married but she was pregnant. After she had the baby, Lisa, they went to the registry so in love, Aunt Nife had emphasized 'so in love'. Two weeks later, she had fallen mysteriously ill and by the end of the month, she passed. According to Aunt Nife, her brother died with Aileen.

All that was left was the shell, a shell that involuntarily became Ayomi's dad. Their mum who was never a big fan of the union had brought in the youngest and only unmarried daughter of her best friend to look after young Lisa. The real plan was to marry her to her son whose reputation had somewhat gone from being an old bachelor to a young widower. Either by compulsion or for convenience, the two had agreed to be married. Ayomi was born less than a year after and her twin brothers Bayo and Rayo followed. Ayomi was sure that her dad had settled for her mum and consequently her because Lisa's mother had passed. She had eavesdropped a couple of times on the conversations their dad had with Lisa about her mum, Aileen. The excitement in his voice had almost always been palpable. On one of those days when she had burst into the room, she had caught the gleam in his eyes. She pitied her mum who she concluded was in a loveless marriage but she pitied herself more. She had been unfortunately cast in a role she did not want. The stepsister- in her case, half-sister- never won.

Her pity party continued for some years but after her dad's first health scare when she was 16, she gave it up. Nothing had necessarily changed about the situation but she tried her best to build her relationship with her family. Even though most people were curious about their family setup, no one could doubt the strong bond that held them together, her mum had made sure of it.

"So this was your plan all along," Ayomi asked, stepping back into the current moment.

"What was I supposed to do? You keep putting me in the middle and you know I don't like getting caught up in your issues with mum. I don't know why you can't be like Bayo or Ray, they never get in fights with her"

"They're her boys, of course, they don't"

"You didn't tell her you got the job, Ayomi. She didn't even know you applied and you know she is not big on this talent management you want to do. You finished service but stayed back for close to two months. Now you are back just to leave again. Then that man-child you're dating."

"Really. I'm not going."

Lisa sighed, "Okay"

It was a trick that always worked. Lisa would sigh, say okay but she would feel compelled to do whatever she had requested.

"If she yells at me, I'm going to ignore you for a year."

Lisa smiled as Ayomi turned towards the direction of their parents' house.

*****

"Mum I think I'll be staying with you anytime Tonye travels. In under 6 months, he has been on almost 10 trips" Lisa said, as the family set up for dinner later that evening.

It was the same house they were raised in. Despite the fact that their parents were practically empty nesters, they refused to move. Like everything that had to do with her family, Ayomi had mixed feelings about the house. She remembered every quarrel with Lisa and every pretend wedding ceremony. A standing fan was the groom, Lisa was usually the bride, and she was either the pastor or the bridesmaid. She remembered the joy of having baby brothers brought home and still felt the pain of her parents' neglect. Up to the moment, her room held most of the stuff she had as a teenager and being there always reminded her of the seasons of her life; the struggles she had faced. Like the time she contemplated killing herself because she knew no one cared. There were also lighter things that made her laugh. A portion of the wall upstairs was still covered with her red markings and there was the painting from fine arts class in JSS 3. Her teacher had always said she was gifted.

"You have so many talents" the woman had said. Ayomi smiled to herself, talents she was doing nothing with.

Service year had been her initial getaway from the house but with her job in another state, she planned to make it permanent.

"You know you're always welcome but I think your husband will mind. Moreover, you know how people are. They will start saying rubbish, they won't know you're just visiting" Their mum answered Lisa's question, adjusting the white lace table cloth on their large dining table which could sit 16 people.

The table had always been too large for them but Ayomi learnt early that the table was not made for their family. Their dad, although always solemn with them, was an accomplished and boisterous host. He regularly had guests over and their mum was always delighted to play the warm hostess. The dining table was for the guests.

She and her siblings had usually taken their meals straight from the kitchen to the sitting room where they sat and ate in front of the television. However, they had to move to the dining table as teenagers. It became awkward to curl their long legs on the carpet in the sitting room. It was still weird to eat on the dining table but they were not kids anymore, they had to act like adults. She chuckled at the thought. Her mum looked at her with a weird expression on her face.

"I remembered something" she quickly said. She was not interested in the married women chit-chat Lisa and their mum were having and she did not want them to think otherwise or worse still, that she was mocking them. It was amazing how much pressure to settle down she was already under at 23. It was Lisa's fault. She had started dating Tonye during her IT in 400 level. He proposed less than a year after and the end of final year/convocation prep had been for planning the wedding. Her mother now expected she would toe the line.

Abibat, their mum's latest maid handed Lisa a food flask, the last of five. As usual, their mum had cooked up a storm; a large storm. She had always enjoyed cooking and the family did not let her work be in vain. The twins, Ray and Bayo, had large appetites and so did Lisa. Ayomi always wondered how she could stay so trim and yet curvy in all the right places though she ate so much. Why didn't her tummy ever swell? Lisa's appetite had only grown bigger over the years. Although she recently started claiming that she was eating for possibly three since she was pregnant. Personally, Ayomi hardly ate anything. She was the queen of portion sizes because she could not risk ever becoming plump like her mum. Her flabby middle section was proof that she had the tendency to be fat, she would not encourage it.

Ayomi arranged the plates and cutlery, willing her mind to stop travelling.

Their dad was already seated at the head of the dining table. There was a wooden cupboard to his right and several framed pictures above the cupboard. He seemed to be focused on one of those pictures; the one from the twins' first birthday.

"Mum, I need some provisions," Bayo said. He and Ray were now in their 3rd year at the university studying Computer Engineering. Ayomi smiled at how far they had come from the babies in the picture their dad was still staring at. She looked back at her dad and smiled sadly, what would it take for him to notice her?

"He used all his money to get beats"

"Èwo ni beats? (Which one is beats?)" Their mum asked

"Don't mind them mum" Lisa answered "He needs to be hungry for some weeks"

She caught her dad smiling as they laughed and finally sat to eat.

"Stay happy. You've been doing this for years. Just go with it" she urged herself

There was no prayer or blessing because they were not a religious family. They celebrated Christmas and went to church during Easter or someone's wedding but that was where it stopped. Sunday services were more than optional. Church was not their thing, their dad made sure of it. According to him, people that depend on religion are simply weak-hearted and shallow minded. There was no way a true intellectual could be so completely brainwashed. Much to their dad's dismay, their mum insisted they join in the festivities because she had been brought up in church. He allowed it but rarely ever went.

"So delicious, mum" Lisa said, closing her eyes as she ate a spoon of Jollof rice

"I try." Their mum smiled "But your Jollof rice gives me a run for my money. Bayo brought some home last Sunday."

Lisa laughed, "Bayo that only comes to my house to eat. He has never come to visit just for love"

"That's why I keep saying I'm the better brother" Ray announced.

They all laughed.

"Raymond Morayo Balogun, brother of the year" Ayomi added, smiling.

"Lies!" Bayo shouted

Ray laughed "Whatever. Pass me the spoon"

"You can't say please" Ayomi reached to pass over the spoon.

"Please" He grinned

"I keep telling you; Má lo àwọn cream yẹn mọ́ (Don't use those creams anymore). I keep telling you" Their mum said with her eyes focused on Ayomi's knuckles.

The table went silent. Ayomi glared at Lisa who turned from talking to their dad. Their mum had spent the last hour talking about Ayomi's new job and why she thought it was the wrong career choice, now everyone knew they were about to start again but this time Ayomi's bleaching would be the topic.

"I don't use them anymore" Ayomi replied, almost grumbling.

"I don't know why you would ruin your beautiful skin, something God blessed you with. O kàn fẹ́ pupa yòyòyò (you just want to be very fair) and you're not one of those market women."

"Mum, I said I don't use them anymore"

"Mum" Ray called out

"I should not talk abi"

"Why is this even a conversation? Mum why do you do this? We were just laughing" Ayomi sighed.

"One day you will get off my back!" She wanted to shout but dared not.

"But I saw your knuckles! So I should see something I don't like and not talk? Are you my mother or am I your mother?" their mum's voice started rising "Look at your brothers, fine chocolate boys, why did you ruin your skin, Ayo?"

She glanced at her brothers and as usual, they looked uncomfortable, their eyes were apologizing to her. Their mum was right in that they were fine boys. Ever since they were small, everyone said they were gorgeous. Coupled with the coolness that comes with identical male twins, their charm could sway a nun. All of her course mates at the University had called them fellows of the Yoruba Demons Club. In more current terms, they were sweet boys. She looked at Lisa. Her eyes were closed again but this time, she was squeezing her eyes together with her left hand. She was obviously uncomfortable too but Ayomi still wanted to reach over to pull her hair out, this was her fault. Their dad remained focused on his plate of Jollof rice; he stayed out of it as usual.

Anyone could understand why she had tried bleaching her skin. For crying out loud, she was obviously the ugliest in the family, she needed somebody improvement. Her teenage years had been rough so when she started getting some more free money it was the first thing she wanted to do. Moreover, Aunt Nife had bleached her skin too.

"I shouldn't have let you spend so much time with Nife" She heard her dad say, quietly, as if he read her thoughts.

"Oh right, the only person that ever had my time," She thought but could not utter. Aunt Nife had disappeared about 4 years earlier and no one had heard from her since. She took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry ma. I have stopped using those creams" She left out the fact that she had just switched to more expensive ones. The black spots would soon be gone and in their place, clean fair skin. Her mum ranted some more but her mind had travelled. She was grateful for the move, it was evident she needed space from the family.

"Year of silence," She said to Lisa as they drove back to her house few hours later. Lisa knew better than to say anything in reply.

*****

Ayomi stopped in the middle of the reception at her new office. It was Monday the next week and the guy who was showing her around, Andy, had paused the tour to talk to the receptionist. They had been in the reception earlier but she was still as fascinated as she had been when she walked in the first time. She had her interviews over Skype so resumption that morning was her first encounter and what an encounter it had been. She kept fighting the urge to remove her shoes and walk barefoot on the wooden floor. She loved everything about the well-lit space; from the several brightly coloured three-legged couch stools and their wooden legs to the large portrait pictures of the album covers of some of the most iconic albums ever released in Nigeria. The white walls and white sofas fit in perfectly, she wondered how they kept them so clean. Every room Andy took her to, had been more beautiful than the last but the reception was still her favourite.

"One more room" He said returning to her "Sorry about that, had to settle some things with her"

"No problem. I'm still taking in the space"

He laughed, "It's all a trick; they don't want you to ever leave work"

"I guess I'm being tricked"

"You are funny" He laughed.

"Fresh graduate?" He asked, as they stepped into the nap room.

"Yes and no. I worked at an engineering firm during service year, just left there."

"You read engineering?"

"Yeah, Civil"

"Respect"

She smiled, looking round the nap room which she now ranked second to the reception. Its floors were completely carpeted in a soothing shade of brown. It was an orange room but the lights were dimmed. She noted some sofas and bean bag chairs but could not really place their colours.

"The dim lights are so people can sleep well"

"People actually come to sleep here?"

"That was the plan but it's yet to gain steam."

"I can imagine, who wants to sleep at work? What if you sleep too long and wake up after everyone has gone home?"

Andy laughed, "Shey"

"The lights are turned on full blast when it's fun time though" He turned them on to show her. She noticed the large TV screen and several speakers.

"Surround sound system" Andy grinned, Ayomi could have danced.

"So you are one of the brave ones; switching from engineering to talent management." He said as they left the room "You know now's a great time to be a female engineer"

"Yeah, I know"

"But you're still making the switch"

"Yeah" She shrugged

"You're so cool" they laughed.

They stepped into one of the cubicles at the extreme end of the space next to the reception.

"This is where you'll be sitting, next to me" He smiled. Many of the other workers raised their heads to send smiles her way too.

The whole office was a blend of open workspaces, cubicles and closed offices. Andy had explained earlier that the open workspaces were for collaborations; team meetings, and strategy sessions while the cubicles and offices ensured everyone could return to their privacy when needed. Cubicles in each region were designed the same with pots of small artificial green plants in white vases placed on the connecting joints. The one they were standing in had maroon panels with white connectors, white work surfaces and white drawers - Andy called them File Pedestals. He showed her the electric sockets and how to put on the task lighting.

"Thank you for the tour"

"My pleasure."

"The IT guy will come to ensure your system is up and running in a bit."

"Thanks"

"So I'll be reporting to you?" Ayomi asked. She had been forgetting to bring it up all morning.

"Oh no," Andy replied, "You'll be reporting directly to Tammy. I just graduated from being her intern myself, she's really cool."

"She's not around," Ayomi said, more as a statement than a question. He had taken her to every office and she had not seen Tammy.

"Yeah, business meeting in Abuja. She will be here Wednesday morning."

"Oh."

"Yeah"

"What will I be doing till she gets back?"

"Reading up company policy, perfecting managers' presentation slides, anything you think would help you get used to the system quickly. We're working on some expansions, looking to sign actors so you can just read up on that." She nodded.

"We should talk about why you made the switch later."

"Yeah sure"

"We have a potential client coming in soon so I have to go now."

"Oh cool. Thanks once again"

"Anytime" Andy started walking away then stepped back, "I think you can come for the meeting as well; it would be good experience."

Her eyes lit up, "Thank you"

She picked her notepad and headed to the conference room with him.

"Ayomi?" She turned startled. She had made a couple of introductions earlier but did not expect that people would take to her name so quickly.

"Damian?"

"Wow, I almost didn't recognize you. You look so good." He said, reaching out for a hug. Ayomi smiled all the way to her toes. The layers of makeup and expensive yet uncomfortable underwear were worth it after all.

"You don't look bad yourself." She replied. He had been a year ahead of Lisa and two years ahead of her in secondary school. The entire school knew he had massive crush on Lisa who had no interest in him whatsoever. Ayomi had not particularly liked him too because she had a crush on another senior but she would have given anything to be the centre of such attention. He looked as good as he had back then, maybe even better.

"How's Lisa?"

Her smile faltered, "She's married" she blurted out before she could talk herself out of her jealousy

He looked shocked by her reply but recovered quickly. She felt embarrassed, why had she slipped up so openly?

"That's very nice. Everyone's crush is finally off the market."

"Yeah" she replied coolly

"What are you doing here?"

"I work here now actually. Funny thing is I started today"

"No way"

"Yeah. You?"

"I'm getting serious with my acting."

She had heard he was on some talent show, "I heard you were on a talent show"

He smiled, "Yeah. Runner-up".

"That's impressive. I remember you were so good in school."

"Thank you"

"I don't think anyone can forget you playing the blind orphan. Half of the hall was in tears." She added.

He smiled. Andy who had left them earlier walked back out. He didn't say anything but Damian got the cue.

"I guess it's time for the meeting."

"Yeah"

"We should catch up later, it's been so long."

"That'd be nice"

*****

Ayomi kicked off her shoes in front of the house as the dispatch rider from the restaurant completed the transaction. He pulled out her card and the customer's copy of the receipt.

"Thank you ma"

She smiled, people are so polite when they are receiving money.

"What a sight you are" John, her cousin, called out as she walked into the compound. He had also just come back from work. It was Tuesday evening. Her first day at work had been easy, the second not so much.

"Shey" She replied. She had her shoes in her left hand, her laptop bag on her left shoulder, her handbag on her right shoulder and the pizza boxes in her right hand.

"So it's a pizza kind of night."

"Sola called me when I was already in a cab"

He laughed, "Tobi must have worn her out."

"I can imagine" They walked into the house together. John was the third son of her mum's immediate elder sister and they had been somewhat close over the years. When she got the job, he and his wife, Sola, had offered her a room for as long as she needed. He had spent service year in her parents' house and kept saying he was glad to sort of repay the favour.

"Thank God!" Sola said, once they stepped into the apartment. She was rocking their five-month old son, Tobi in the centre of the living room.

John looked over at Ayomi and laughed, "I told you"

He turned to his wife "I'm coming, let me freshen up"

"Okay dear, quickly please."

"Well done."

"Thanks Ayomi. How was work?"

"Tuesdays are for reviews. Team presentations back to back, I was just taking minutes upon minutes"

"Stressful and boring abi?"

Ayomi nodded.

"Don't tell Tammy I said that" she added, laughing. "I wonder if she'd remember me, I haven't seen her since your wedding."

"Yeah. She will, Tammy doesn't forget a face. Moreover, you both did most of the running around that day"

"I remember that. People can kill for souvenirs"

"Ha-ha. So what's the verdict on day two?"

Ayomi dumped all she was carrying on a sofa and landed in it, "Despite the struggles with boredom in some moments, I enjoyed the day. It was so different from yesterday but it was definitely not all bad. The discussions and the review of the projects excited me. There's this young talent program they're working on; sorry we're working on." She smiled "We received some scripts for web series and discussed potential charity causes for some of our artistes. Everything sounded like stuff I was hoping to work on."

"Sounds like the switch was the right move then"

"Yeah"

"Great. Honestly, when John first mentioned you were moving here for the job, I was shocked. Now, I'm just inspired."

Ayomi shrugged, "Na so"

"How many people do you know that are bold enough to go after their dream roles?"

Ayomi smiled. The truth was that she was not bold like everyone seemed to think. Talent management was not her dream role. Her dream had always been to be the talent but she did not have the nerve for that. She had taken the role because she figured she had nothing to lose. The job offered her closeness to her boyfriend, distance from her mum, a surprisingly good pay and an escape from engineering. Lisa had finished with a first class in engineering too and though she was taking a break because of marriage and the baby, it was only a matter of time till she returned to the workforce. She did not want to have another basis for comparison; 5 years in school had been hard enough. Her mum thought it was an extremely stupid thing to do and that she was wasting her brain. She tried not to care so much.

"I guess not many" she replied

"Exactly. You are an outlier Ayomi"

"Outlier noni"

"Lisa said you should please pick her calls." John said, joining them in the sitting room again. Sola handed Tobi who was already asleep to him.

"So she called you too. She has Ray and Bayo disturbing me."

Sola laughed, "You too, pick her calls now"

"She knows what she did"

"The two of you ehn"

*****

The next day, Ayomi landed in her chair much earlier than she had planned. She had left the house when she did to beat traffic and create allowances for whatever unexpected activities could pop up since it was her first time navigating the way to work alone. She had also decided to forgo the "drop" option, which more or less meant renting a car for the ride to work because the cabmen had asked for outrageous prices. Surprisingly, the route had been straightforward and nothing unexpected happened.

It seemed she was the third person at work. She smiled and pushed her head back. Was it too early to make use of the nap room? Her beeping phone interrupted her thoughts. She practically jumped to check who was calling. She was hoping her boyfriend, Tolu, would remember her and call but the caller ID showed her hopes had not come true. She had almost called him several times out of habit but she was too angry. She had moved to the state he lived in, started a new job and left her family behind. He was supposed to call. For crying out loud, she could have been in a plane crash or an accident. Her accommodation plans could have fallen through; her co-workers could have turned out to be demons; didn't he care at all?

She sighed and turned her phone face down; she was still in no mood for Lisa. The phone did not stop ringing. The third time it rang, she picked it up to make it silent and realized it was someone else calling.

"Ayomi! I can't believe you're in town" Mmesoma's voice rang clear over the phone. Picturing her fair, chubby face brought a smile to Ayomi's lips.

"Since last week Friday"

"Can you imagine? So if I didn't call you, you wouldn't have told me. I keep telling you that God ordained our friendship. You can't escape me"

Ayomi laughed, "Yes ma. How's your mum, your dad, your siblings?"

Mmesoma had always tried to be there for her, even when she flat out rejected her. Though they were in the same faculty, they had met for the first time in their second semester in 200 level. Mmesoma had missed all the Engineering math classes for three weeks because she went out of school to play with a band. She returned from what she still described as the opportunity of a lifetime just in time for tests. The euphoria of playing music had however disappeared in the face of a possible carryover. She could breeze through all the other courses but not math.

She had no attendance, no submitted assignments, no knowledge of anything that had been taught and the lecturer had personally taken up her case. Someone had directed her to Ayomi for tutorials. Her eventual A in the course had in her mind sealed their friendship forever. The 'A' had left her perfect CGPA untainted and she went ahead to tell everyone in her house; her parents and six siblings, that Ayomi was her best friend in the world. She never had need of such help again but she made sure to stay in contact. She visited with gifts, gist, and food; literally anything just to catch up. Ayomi was not used to someone so intense so she pulled away many times.

Mmesoma was the definition of cool. She had been the only female drummer in the school band and one of the three girls in the Mechanical Engineering department in their set. She was eventually the best graduating student in the faculty with the highest CGPA her department had ever recorded, 4.95, 0.01 shy of being the overall best graduating student. In typical Mmesoma style, she had not even cared.

Contrary to everyone's expectations, she was anything but a tomboy or a geek. She had been a respected fashionista in school and carried herself with 100% confidence although she was on the big side.

"They're all fine. They can't believe you're here"

"You told them?"

"Before. Do you know how long I've been hoping to be in the same town with you? I have just male friends here, I'm too cool for all the girls"

Ayomi laughed again, "Too cool, it's true"

"But I haven't told them why you moved here o, especially mum, before she will start saying why haven't I found a job. Like we didn't finish service less than 2 months ago"

"You, have you applied anywhere? You better just tell her the truth"

"That I want to be a fashion designer? You want her to beat me. Moreover, I'm not even sure that's what I want to do. I actually applied somewhere sha, I'm in the last stage of the recruitment process"

"Mmesoma! Of course, Badoo"

"We're just trying to be like you"

"Ha-ha, clown"

"Ayomi, when will you come and visit me now? We will make a feast for you"

"You want me to get lost, where do I know in this city?"

"Then send me your address, I'll come and visit or do you want to go out? Maybe see a movie? There's this spoken word and poetry club I belong to; we have meetings every other Saturday. Will you come for that?"

Ayomi smiled, she could imagine the wheels in Mmesoma's brilliant head already spinning.

"Aunty, one thing at a time. I'm not going anywhere anytime soon, there's plenty time for everything on your list"

"I loooove the sound of that. Praise Jesus!"

"Hallelujah!" Ayomi replied, laughing "Church mama Mmesoma"

Mmesoma was the shining example of when being a Pastor's child worked out. She was a complete Jesus girl, two-time lead instrumentalist of the School's Pentecostal fellowship choir and surprisingly, Ayomi had found that she liked that part of her a lot. Unlike most people, she was the kind of Christian you could actually stand. Her larger than life heart pulled everyone in and you could not help being drawn to her. Growing up without much consideration for religion, Ayomi had expected she would find Mmesoma too weird. The opposite had been the case. There was something about Mmesoma and when she had asked, the girl had boldly declared "It's the Jesus in me, baby".

She smiled, shaking her head. Mmesoma was a strange girl but in a really good way.

"Ayomi, is that you?" She raised her head to see Tammy walking towards her cubicle.

"Meso, we'll talk later okay? I need to go now"

"No problem sis, have a blessed day"

"Thanks"

She dropped the phone and stood up. Tammy reached her cubicle and hugged her.

"You look so lovely, so grown. It's been what, 5 years?"

"Yes ma," she said shakily, wrestling with what to call Tammy. She called Sola, 'Sis Sola' but she knew everyone at work was on first name basis. She would just keep saying "ma" for as long as she could. She had admired Tammy the minute she met her at Sola's introduction. Tammy was smart, gorgeous, successful, and classy. She was at the beautiful skin tone borderline where she was dark enough to have that melanin glow but fair enough to not be considered a blackie. Add to that beautiful skin, her lovely smile, quality weaves, designer clothes and Tammy was everything she aspired to look like someday. Tammy was the reason why she had even considered talent management. She checked her Instagram page every other day to take her daily dose of inspiration. If only Tammy knew how much she looked up to her.

"You need to teach me how to do my makeup! Look at you" Tammy continued "No matter how many YouTube videos I watch; I can't seem to do more than the minimum"

"You don't need more than the minimum. Not like some of us" Ayomi thought but just nodded.

"Come, come. They're telling me you're my intern" she laughed, leading the way to her office. "They don't know we're family. How have you been?"

*****

Mmesoma looked shocked and then grinned at her from behind the drums on the stage, Ayomi waved. She was just as dazed. What were the odds that she would be in a church service that evening or that Mmesoma would attend the same church as Tammy and her cousin?

She settled in the seat next to Tammy and collected some pamphlets the ushers were passing around. After a day that went better than Ayomi's wildest imagination, Tammy suggested they go to church together since John and Sola would be there too. She would simply go home with them after service instead of using public transport. It made a lot of sense. Moreover, she could not say no because Tammy had brought it up. She had politely declined when John invited her to church the Sunday after she arrived but she was on such great terms with Tammy, she could not risk rocking the boat.

She had been thrilled when Tammy immediately recognized her and took her under her wings. By the end of the day, Tammy had given her a run-down of all her major projects and assigned her action points to execute. Sitting in that service, she felt alive, energized and happy. If all it took was going to church to keep that going, what was the big deal?

"Sola is probably at the back because of Tobi" Tammy whispered. "John is with the other guys. We're having gender-based breakout sessions"

Ayomi nodded. The lady who had been singing dropped her volume and all the ladies stood as a woman came on stage, Ayomi stood too. The woman was very pretty and looked like she was in her early 40's though Ayomi guessed the woman was probably older. The respect she received seemed to imply that much but then you could never be sure. The woman was on an Anita Baker inspired haircut. From afar, she seemed to have brown or wine highlights, Ayomi could not tell because of the lights on the stage. She was wearing a chic white silk top on a pair of jeans and brown wedge sandals. Her mum would have had a field day talking about the indecency of trousers and even worse jeans on the "altar". Ayomi never listened to her on matters like that. The woman had given up her religion for a man, she had no right to talk. At least the women that wore the jeans were in church, whether they were too 'yuppy' to be truly saved was no one's business.

"That's Pastor Nikki. You can say she's our mummy G.O" Mmesoma had somehow, landed beside her.

"How did you get here?" Ayomi asked, startled. Mmesoma just smiled.

"Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending, reckless love of God" Pastor Nikki repeated the last line of the song they had been singing. "Hallelujah! We thank You Jesus for your love. Your love defines us. Your love completes us. Your love accepts us. Your love transforms us. Your love saved us, thank You for Your love."

Ayomi noticed that almost all the hands in the room were lifted. Tammy's eyes were closed, so were Mmesoma's.

"Glory!" Pastor Nikki shouted. The ladies clapped and cheered, some wiped away tears. "There's no wall you won't kick down, lie you won't tear down, coming after us!"

"What's going on here?" Ayomi almost asked. She had avoided attending almost every service Mmesoma ever invited her to. She went for some of the concerts, carols but nothing serious. She wondered why the ladies were so excited.

"Please be seated." Pastor Nikki continued "We haven't had these sessions in a while, I'm so glad we're here together"

"We are too!" Tammy replied

Pastor Nikki smiled, "I believe we're going to see a lot of deliverance."

The picture of someone shouting "Fire! Fire! Fall down and die!" flashed in Ayomi's mind; she had not thought it was that kind of church but then like her dad said, religion in Nigeria was just a show. If one was in search of surprises, a church was the place to go. There were oils that brought prominence, coconuts that gave children, blackcurrant drinks that brought healing, money bills that saved marriages and handkerchiefs that supposedly raised the dead. Surprises, surprises, surprises.

Still, she struggled with the idea that the posh woman on the stage would appreciate a crazed woman, shaking vigorously and running round the room in the name of deliverance from unseen powers.

"Deliverance from the things and beliefs that have held us bound." She continued

"Amen," some women shouted. Had she said a prayer? Ayomi wondered.

Pastor Nikki signaled to an usher by the altar and she brought up a bar stool.

"We are going to be talking about identity and I feel walking up and down the altar wouldn't help me communicate in the way the topic demands. I want us to have intimate sessions and though the stool may not make much of a difference, I think it's better than moving all over. Do we agree?"

"Yeah"

"Identity" she said after sitting "The way we see ourselves, who we say we are; identity. Most of the decisions we make, the opportunities we take are based on our perceptions about who we are. What's happening inside, your thoughts, regulate your life. The way you see yourself is fundamental, critical to the kind of life you lead. I have spoken to several women throughout my years in ministry and I have found that at the root of many of the issues they dealt with, was identity. Your identity determines what you believe for, the dreams you go after, and in an era where identity has taken on new definitions, we need to analyze it as women of God. In an era where you can identify as anything, and I mean anything, what do you identify as? Many people for so long have ignored emotional issues, feelings, what I think about myself and so on. They think such things are frivolous in light of signs and wonders, curing of terminal diseases but the truth is emotional issues are pertinent to the quality of our lives. Emotional baggage can wreck a person, wreck a home. You can be whole, hearty and in bondage. Many times, people in the house of God are just as disturbed as the world around them because we do not talk about these issues. We are going to talk about them, amen?"

"Amen"

"What do you see when you look in the mirror? Do you see someone who's ugly, fat, unwanted, and stupid? Who stares back at you? Do you see someone who has obtained mercy? Someone who is loved by God? There's a very dear lady in my life; I met her in her third year in the university. She had had a rocky life up until then, but when we met she said she wanted a relationship with God. I watched her grow in God and her transformation is still one of the most beautiful things I have been privileged to see in my walk with the Lord. She graduated and a couple of years later, it was time for her to settle down" she paused "like she was unsettled before"

The ladies laughed.

"The things we say ehn. So she brought this first man. Sisters, I'm a Pastor's wife. I believe in extending grace and seeing the best in people but this man, he was all wrong for her. Thankfully, it did not work out. Then she turned around and brought a similar man then another similar man!"

Even Ayomi chuckled.

"I could not understand it; this lovely lady bringing these strange men. I was so worried but I could not wrap my head around why. Then one day we were discussing something and a friend of hers that had been jilted came up in the conversation. This girl said and I quote, why won't he jilt her? That kind of man? he's too good for her."

"Hmmn" It was obvious the ladies were alarmed.

"You know; it was like a light just dawned. That was why she had been bringing those strange men. They were the kind of people she thought she was worthy of. It was an identity problem. Despite the fact that she had obtained God's mercy and was growing in Him, she still saw herself as undeserving of a good man. Many times when you see unhealthy patterns, there is an identity issue. Whether you acknowledge it or not, you have an identity you have defined for yourself. There is someone you say or think you are. I trust God that by the end of this series, you would see yourself as the daughter of the King of Kings. Not in that churchy, flimsy, 'it's what everybody says' way but in a deep way that changes your entire life."

"Amen!"

"Your identity has to be rock solid and for many of us, it isn't because we've based our identities on things that can't stand the test of time. If your identity is shaky, the naysayers, the bad belle people, the haters will mess you up. My first daughter, Pearl or Dr. P as everyone calls her, knew she wanted to be a doctor very early. Her elder brother, Chris, already showed us he was not into the school thing so when Pearl showed such deep interest, you can bet we were excited. As Nigerian parents now, what's a home without a doctor? They had to call me mama doctor" She grinned and the church laughed.

"She was the child that asked where the food went as she ate, or where the blood came from when she fell. We saw the signs early and by the time she was in JSS 2, she was certain it was medicine or nothing. All of a sudden when she got to third term in SS1, she said she had changed her mind. Now, I understand that sometimes, especially when you've encountered chemistry, physics and biology in all their glory, you change your mind about medicine and even science class as a whole but her grades were stellar. She gave us excuses like she didn't want to stay in school so long and she could no longer stand the sight of blood, all sorts of things.

At first, I took it at face value but maternal instinct and the Holy Spirit won't let me drop it. I let her be but it kept playing in my mind for close to a year. Towards the end of second term SS2, I walked into her room and found her in tears. I have five children; 3 girls and 2 boys, and Pearl is the least likely of them to cry. She was a big child and her size used to make her feel invincible." Ayomi nudged Mmesoma and she smiled.

"All through primary and secondary school, she was the defender of her siblings. Even her elder brother stayed away from her when she got angry but that day my baby girl was crying. She eventually confessed that during a chemistry practical in her third term in SS1, she broke a pipette and the teacher was so upset. The lady had gone on to say that Pearl was too clumsy and should not become a doctor or else she would kill her patients."

The audience gasped collectively.

"Can you imagine" Tammy said, shaking her head.

"The woman had continued to taunt her. She was crying that day because they had one of such encounters again. I reported it to the school and it was handled. Apparently, the teacher had been negative to other children too but it took a while to build my daughter up again. Today, she is a medical doctor. Life throws a lot of such people and circumstances our way and we need to be built up to the point where our identity is secure."

"This week I want you to be conscious about the things you think about yourself, the things you say about yourself, the opportunities you take and the dreams you let go of. Study yourself this week and become aware of how you've defined yourself.

"

*****

"I was busy Ayo" Tolu, her boyfriend, said.

Ayomi was tempted to slam her phone into the wall but thought against it, it would only hurt her in the long run. She moved deeper into her room so no one would hear her conversation though she doubted it would make a difference.

She had returned from the Wednesday service with John and Sola as planned. They had been preparing dinner when her phone rang. To her surprise, it was Tolu. At first, it seemed like the perfect end to a great day but not anymore. He was getting on her nerves.

"Busy? That's your excuse?"

"But I'm calling you now, can't we just drop it?"

They could. They could drop it like they dropped every other thing but Ayomi told herself she was too angry to settle.

"No, we can't drop it. We can't drop it Tolu"

She sighed "What did I do wrong Tolu? Why are you treating me like this?" What started out as a quarrel in which she had the upper hand turned to her pleading like she was at fault. She did not hear herself begging but that was what she always did.

"You're stressing me, Ayo. I can't be calling you every time now. I have a life"

"So I don't have a life?"

"I'm sorry; that's not what I meant. Let me take you out tomorrow."

She remained silent.

"Ayomi now, Ayomi baby"

"Just send me your address, I can pick you up after work."

"Tolu, did I do something? What did I do? Just tell me"

"Nothing Ayo. I'm sorry, I just got carried away with all the shoots I had lined up."

She took a deep breath "I saw some of the pictures"

"Awwn, you went on my page even though we were fighting."

"Were we fighting? You see, you were actually mad at me"

"No, no. I thought you were fighting with me now, you said you intentionally didn't call. You know what, never mind. Are we on for tomorrow?"

"Yeah sure"

"Ok Ayomi, bye"

"Bye" she replied dully. No "I love you", no "I'm really sorry", no "I've missed you too"; just bye. She had waited all that time for "bye". Her head was hot with tears, what was this sham she was calling a relationship? They had been dating for almost two years and she still felt like he was being forced to be with her.

He was everything she wanted. Okay, not everything but enough. He was a star boy photographer, a rich kid, and the life of every party. She had been amazed that he wanted to be with her. He did not directly ask her out but towards the end of final year, he came around her so much that everyone was sure they were together. They had sort of flown into a relationship from there. Their time together had been nothing like she had hoped. More than half of the time, she was sad, worried, even scared that he could just stand up and leave her.

Mmesoma had never understood the hype around Tolu. She always said he was ugly but Ayomi disagreed; he was fresh enough. What he lacked in looks, he made up for in swag. Moreover, it was hard to look ugly with money. Lisa thought he was too immature and had shared that with their mum. According to her, he was just another rich man's son. To an extent, she was right but Ayomi knew he had some talent in photography. If he stayed with his recent interest in photography longer than he had stayed with fashion designing, Lisa's perspective of him would change. She was sure of it. Mmesoma, Lisa and their mum wondered why she stayed with him. They actually could not believe she had started a relationship with him in the first place. They just did not understand.

Her relationship with him was just like her relationship with bleaching and makeup. She was invisible without them. She would never forget the first day, Gold, her roommate in 200 level, had given her a face-beat. Alex, the 'biggest' boy in her class, had teased that he would have dated her if she always looked like that. Everyone looked at her differently and she loved it. That year, she literally became Gold's servant so she could learn how to do her own makeup. She had hardly gone without makeup ever since. All the "You look lovely" comments were worth the extra time it initially took to get ready. It didn't take so long anymore since she had mastered the art.

She started bleaching in 300 level and when the effects began to show, amid the scorn that generally came with bleaching, she received a lot of comments, especially from people that had not known her previously. For the first time, she had received comments like "Fine girl" "Omalicha" from men on the street. Prior to that, she had been 'blackie', 'onímú sọgila (the one with the long nose)' It was silly to live for comments from strangers and sometimes even jobless guys on the road but the comments had meant so much to her. She applied the creams lightly over the years but recently used a significant portion of her savings to get new products that were of superior quality.

When Tolu started coming around her, she had become important. Many girls beefed her but it did not matter; better to be envied than ignored. When she was on his arm, people paid attention to her and she was not just Lisa's darker and uglier sister.

Bleaching, using heavy makeup, wearing waist trainers and butt pads, enduring Tolu and any other thing it would take, she was ready for. She would not stop until she no longer came up short next to Lisa. The point was not being better just for the sake of it. She wanted to be better because she hoped that would finally make her first in everyone's eyes. If she became better, she would stop being just 'the other sister'.

She wanted to be important and loved too. She wanted to walk into a room and have all eyes on her too. Was that too much to ask?

*****

The next morning, Ayomi sat in front of the mirror with her powder brush in her hand. It was barely 5 a.m. but she had had a rough night. She had tossed and turned primarily because of Tolu but in some moments words from Pastor Nikki had slipped in too.

"I must be stupid" she muttered and dropped her brush. "There's no reason for me to be this stressed." She recalled the thoughts she had following the call with Tolu the night before and sighed. She could not believe those were her own thoughts. Would she really do anything to be better than Lisa? Was she really nothing without Tolu, her makeup, her body shapers? She groaned. She had never consciously declared it but she knew the thoughts had developed unhindered for a long time. She felt stupid, her thoughts sounded silly but she could not deny that they were true. That was how she felt.

She thought of the lady from Pastor Nikki's message, was she like her?

"It's not like I have a pattern" she said. Tolu was the only boyfriend she had ever had.

She picked up her brush again.

"How have you defined yourself?" She could have sworn she heard Pastor Nikki ask.

"I don't know" she answered looking into the mirror, her pimples and black spots stared back at her.

"Who do you see when you look in the mirror?"

"A blackie" she replied

"Why is that a bad thing?" she felt Pastor Nikki would have asked.

*****

"Hi there" Ayomi looked up to see Damian standing by her cubicle later that day.

"Hi Damian"

"How's work going?"

"Good"

"That's nice to hear. I had an audition this morning"

"I heard. How did it go?"

"Can you ever really know?"

She smiled, "I'm sure it went well"

"How are you sure?" He asked and she froze. Wasn't that what everybody said? He laughed when she stayed silent.

"Don't mind me. That's what I'd have said too if the roles were reversed. Want to go out for lunch?"

"We planned to catch up" He quickly added

She was reluctant, "Yeah sure, it's break time actually"

"Any place in mind?" He asked as they walked out.

"I'm new in town" she shrugged "but you know I need to be back in the office in under an hour"

"I need to be back soon too; I have another audition."

"Oh" she paused "Don't you need to practice or something?"

"I do" he smiled in a way that suggested he wanted her help with it.

"Is this lunch meeting to catch up or to rehearse your lines?"

"Both" He grinned

"In under one hour?"

"To be continued later"

"Sure" she replied, laughing. "We really can't go too far then"

"Yeah, there's this nice place close by. Can you walk comfortably in those?" He looked at her navy blue pumps.

"Yes now"

He smiled, "Okay ma" They crossed the road and continued walking. The sun burned her skin but not as painfully as before. It had to be because of the new creams she had switched to, she smiled.

"I will always love you. I understand it's hard for you to believe that, but I am not the man I was when we were in school. I know now that your smile was the light of my life and I have been living in darkness because I let you go" Her heart skipped a beat but she knew they were just lines from the script in his hand.

"We must look funny" She said, hoping to lessen the intensity of the moment. He was acting too well for comfort.

He chuckled, "Shey"

"Shouldn't I have one of those?"

"Yeah, I brought two. They sent in sides yesterday" he patted his cross-body bag, referring to the portion of the script the production company made available for the audition. "I think we should continue when we get to the restaurant before people start looking at us"

"Okay. Those were pretty good lines though; cheesy but I can see them working"

"Right? I hope the whole project will be as raw and honest. I wasn't given much to work with."

"Is that what it's always like?"

"Yeah, I guess till you blow"

"Soon"

He gave her a full grin, "Amen"

They arrived at the restaurant and sat down.

"What's up with the wooden interior décor these days?" Ayomi asked

"I like it though" she added smiling. She was pleased with the artsy vibes the restaurant had. There were paintings all over the walls and a band setup in one corner.

"They have jazz bands play on some nights" Damian explained

"Cool"

The wooden salt and pepper shakers on all the tables were placed on books. Damian picked a table in one of the corners of the room. She noted that she had read the two novels on their table.

"It's a really nice place"

"Yeah." He picked one of the books "What do you want?"

"What can be ready in under 5 minutes? We have like 20 minutes left"

"So time conscious" he smiled "I know just what" Damian signaled for a waiter and she smiled because she was having a good time despite the issues that were disturbing her.

*****

Sola was showing the new help around when Ayomi got home that evening. Damian had come around, few minutes to closing and offered to drop her home to thank her for practicing with him. The audition went really well and he was convinced it was because of her. They had discovered that they were practically neighbours and he offered to drop her at work the next day, she declined.

"Sis Sola, ekule (greeting said to someone you meet at home)"

"Kaabo (welcome) dear. This is Hannah, she'll be helping around the house like I mentioned earlier"

"Okay. Welcome"

"Tank you ma" the girl replied shyly

"She doesn't speak much English, mainly French. I think she knows some Yoruba too"

"Where's Tobi?"

"He's sleeping." She pointed at a cupboard "cleaning things. To wash, sweep, mop" she described every activity with her hands. Ayomi was reminded of her mum. They had several maids while growing up and their mum had been responsible for educating the maids on their family's systems and routines. She made a mental note to call her mum. It was definitely not one of her best things to do but they had not spoken since the episode at their house about a week before; if she did not call soon, another episode would happen.

"You know you will not call," she thought. "Another episode will just have to happen"

"Have you eaten?" Sola asked, turning away from Hannah "I'm sure you haven't. Ayomi, be eating and I mean serious food not all those snacks you call food."

"Yes ma" she smiled

"That reminds me, I thought you said you might be coming back late today" Sola said,

"Yeah" She had thought she would be with Tolu as he promised but he called to cancel right after lunch. There was an important shoot that had been booked last minute.

"Some things came up" she said

"Oh"

Her phone beeped then, it was Mmesoma. She almost let out a sigh of relief, she had been saved by the bell. She was sure Sola had heard bits of the conversation the night before and was just waiting for the right time to bring it up.

"Hey babe"

"Hi Meso"

"How was your day? Extended version"

She laughed and walked into her room.

*****

"There's just something about good makeup. It elevates your entire look. Who would know I barely had any sleep last night?" Tammy said, looking into the mirror that came with Ayomi's eyeshadow palette. She had come along with Debbie, another one of Sola's friends for makeup tutorials that Saturday afternoon.

"Ayomi, you're so good" Debbie added

"Thank you ma" she smiled. She remembered Debbie from the wedding too. She had put on some weight but she still looked great. Why was everyone around her pretty?

"I pray I learnt something sha. I really need to know how to do my own face. All these makeup artistes have just been taking my money in this town" Tammy stood up to get a glass of water.

Sola laughed, "It's because you have plenty money madam"

"Amen o. I have plenty money"

"When is Ade coming back?"

"Next week Tuesday"

"Pele" Debbie said because of the look on Tammy's face.

"Yeah. This long distance thing is not for the fainthearted. I'm missing him so much ehn"

"Pele, iyawo (wife)" Sola smiled

"I'm assuming you've resolved your lovers spat" Debbie said, reaching for the mirror. Ayomi, who was doing her face, bent to retrieve her eyeliner from the makeup products scattered on the table.

"How did you know?"

"We know you like the back of our hands, you've been dull for the past two days"

"Guys, being in a relationship is work!" she groaned

"Before" Debbie answered "Even matches made in heaven need to put in the work" Ayomi tried to convince herself that what Debbie said applied to her and Tolu but her heart would not agree. It was different with her and Tolu, something was fundamentally wrong with their relationship. She caught Sola looking at her and hoped she would not bring up the conversation she must have heard her having with Tolu after service on Wednesday. He had not bothered to call after cancelling their date.

"What did you do?" Sola faced Tammy and Ayomi released a deep breath.

"Sola, you're the best." she thought

"How do you know it was me?" Tammy asked

"Tammy, we know you"

She sighed, "I forgot to find out if he landed safely. He had a quick trip to Dubai for all these tourism MOUs. We spoke before he travelled and when he called later I didn't even ask about the flight or anything. According to him, I actually rushed him off the phone."

"Tamilore"

"But I was busy. And it's not like all this work is not for him. We're moving from working with mainly music artistes to signing some actors. We're looking to put our money in some productions just to sort of set up the new talent we have and I brought up the idea for the talent show for children from less privileged backgrounds. The buck for all those projects stops at my table. I'm looking for funds, scouting talent, trying to make the new vision he developed for the company work. It's all for him"

"And for you. You were a workaholic before you guys met so don't come and be forming it's for him here."

"I don't even know jare. I'm glad we're together but I'm so used to going at it alone. Moreover, it's somehow to date your boss"

"Technically, he's your boss' boss' boss' boss or should I add more bosses"

"Sola, you're not serious"

"You're dating the CEO's son, that Ade?" Ayomi asked before she could stop herself. Tammy's social media pages had no pictures of her boo but she had assumed, hoped, there was a boo somewhere, preferably one that would put a ring on it soon. She was not one for the 'no woman is complete without a man' nonsense that was prevalent in the culture but she knew the pressure had to be on for Tammy. Especially with her best friends married and raising children. She had seen pictures of her with Ade on some news pages but the articles had focused on the recently revealed/unveiled "Mogul's son" and she had just assumed Tammy was in the pictures because of her role in the Talent company which was somewhat the poster child for his father's conglomerate firms. Moreover, the pictures of them together were not many enough to cause a stir.

"She is o" Sola answered, laughing

"Wow" Ayomi could bet Tammy was blushing, if only the redness could be clearly seen. She was so excited for Tammy. It was truly the era of coded relationships and Ayomi was all for it.

"Leggoo! We're going to shock the world with that wedding. I can just imagine, Tammy has hammered!" she thought, so excited.

"Ayomi, you have a guest" She raised her head as John walked in with Tobi strapped to his chest, he was asleep. They had gone out for a walk a while earlier. She expected to see Mmesoma behind him but to her surprise, it was Damian.

All her excitement was sucked out. Her hands flew to her face involuntarily, she had nothing on her face. Her tone was still yet to even out and more pimples had appeared. She had stopped using the product that was responsible for the irritation but the effects had not disappeared. To make matters worse, it was that time of the month. She was in a tank top and bum shorts. She had her bra on but that was about it, no body shaper, no weave, nothing. Sola had commented in passing that she looked to be different sizes when she was going out and when she was at home. She had also said she thought her colour was changing. Ayomi did not mind Sola, John, Tammy or even Debbie knowing that she had an armor with which she faced the world but not Damian.

"Hi" he said and she wanted to run and hide.

"He was just telling me his elder sister and I were course mates in school. Can you imagine? Such a small world" John made room for Damian to sit. Everyone seemed oblivious to the crisis Ayomi was having.

"Hello Damian" Tammy called out, looking from him to Ayomi with a smile on her lips

"Hi Tammy" he replied.

"I guess Ayomi has to be done with our faces soon" Sola added

"Abi o. How much do we owe you for the lesson?" Tammy asked. Ayomi could not believe what they were doing to her. They all seemed to be having fun at her expense.

"What's going on here?" she was tempted to ask for the second time that week

"Nothing ma" she answered Tammy's question, managing to smile. At least she hoped it was a smile.

"Sola, can you please help me tell Ayomi to stop calling me 'ma'?"

"I'm sorry" Ayomi replied, forcing another smile.

She caught Damian smiling at her and wished the floor would open up to swallow her. She wrapped up everything in a daze and practically ran to her room. Everyone else had continued laughing and gisting while she was having a meltdown. How could John think it was okay to bring in Damian with her looking like that? Didn't he realize he was sabotaging their not-so-subtle attempt at matchmaking by letting him see her like that?

She reappeared a few minutes later with her face well made up. She had switched into a dress. She saw confusion dance across Debbie's face briefly. She was not sure whether the confusion was over the wonderful transformation of her face or the sudden increase in her lower body. Either way, she hoped none of the guys could spot the difference. She expected them to appreciate the difference but she did not want them to know how she had made it happen.

"How will they not know? They're not stupid or blind"

"I don't even care. I know what I must look like, that's what I will look like. I need a perfect body" she concluded inwardly

"What are you even doing Ayomi?" she sighed and ended the internal conversation.

*****

Ayomi resumed to a full table the following week and could not have been happier. She was glad for anything that would take her mind off Damian. He had taken her to see a movie but she was unable to enjoy it because of the shock of him seeing her barefaced. She had no idea what he thought of her. She was not sure if he had noticed her armor and thought she was fake or if he still thought she looked lovely like he had said the first time they met at work.

"But are you not fake?" she murmured to herself, that Monday. She had arrived at work too early again but there were several sticky notes on her table. Tammy probably came to the office after their makeup session or on Sunday. It was not unlike her to work extra hours. She picked up the first sticky note with Damian still on her mind. He had thanked her for a nice time when he dropped her off after the movie but had not called ever since. She skipped church on Sunday as usual and stayed home all day; Damian did not pay her a surprise visit.

"It's not like you guys are dating. Even your boyfriend doesn't call you every day. He won't stop by every day because you live in the same estate" she thought.

"These worries are baseless," she said and read the sticky note she had picked "Work with Andy on ideas for charity causes we can suggest to our artistes. Also match the ideas to the artistes." She picked another sticky note "Follow up with the vendors on their estimates for the talent show. Check your email, I forwarded the contact details and the quotations I have received."

"Follow up with Mr. Detunde on leads for some more auditions for Damian" she read another sticky note.

"Damian! I guess even work won't help me avoid you" she thought

"I'm early!" she heard Andy's voice as he walked in.

"But you're earlier" he said, stopping at her table. "Good morning"

"Morning Andy."

"Hope you had a good weekend"

"Yeah" she lied.

"Tammy left you sticky notes" he laughed "Welcome to the family."

"Thank you. We're supposed to work on the ideas for charity causes together. I was thinking the usual causes; orphans, widows but what do you think about public schools, a reading culture movement, something like that?"

"Ayomi o, please slow down. All that sounds good but let me drop my bag first madam. You're going to be just like Tammy."

She smiled genuinely for the first time that day.

"Just know now that you're making the presentation for us" He landed in his seat, next to her.

*****

Pastor Nikki was already seated on her stool with a music stand adjusted to her arm level when they got to church the next Wednesday. She had some sheets of paper on the stand from what Ayomi could see. Tammy had a late meeting and Ade had to catch up on some paperwork so they got to church late. When Tammy invited Ayomi to service, she could not say no, again. She knew Ade was driving so looking forward to meeting him was one thing, the second was not wanting to annoy Tammy but the third and unexpected was wanting to listen to Pastor Nikki. Sola waved from the back as they walked into the hall for the female breakout session. Mmesoma had saved two seats so they settled in them.

"Every time I teach; I pray to God that every lady that hears my voice will not be able to forget the words they heard. I pray that the words run through their minds several times every day and they meditate on them. I pray that they think deeply about the principles we share and create room for a transformation to actually occur. I have prayed those prayers even more fervently for this series"

"She just started" Mmesoma whispered. Ayomi nodded.

"I sent some throwback pictures to the media team earlier in the day" she turned to look at the screen behind her. A picture of a chubby girl was being displayed "I wasn't sure how far back we should go" The ladies laughed as the media team went from one picture to another.

"The Lord has done a marvelous work" Pastor Nikki said, laughing.

"A lot of you know my story." She continued solemnly a few minutes later. The slideshow had stopped on a picture of her as a child. The most distinct part of the picture was her lower body her laps stuck out awkwardly under a short pink corduroy pinafore dress. She had a white t-shirt under the pinafore and no shoes on.

"I've shared about my upbringing several times, even to the deepest details and I felt led to start today's teaching with some of my experiences. My sisters and I were raised by our mum" she paused "I didn't get to meet my dad till about 5 years ago at that time my first child was already 26, so you can imagine how many years I went without a father." Ayomi looked at Mmesoma. 26? 5 years ago? She had assumed Pastor Nikki was in her 40's, she had definitely been wrong. She was too cool to be in her fifties, wow!

"That was very serious for me because my identity growing up was 'fatherless child'. People on our street were sure my mum was a prostitute so my sisters and I were therefore the prostitute's daughters. My mum was a beautician, a hair-stylist and she was very good. She sent us to school with money from her salon. The fact that she was good attracted many pretty ladies, some of which were of questionable character, so that gave more ground to the speculations of prostitution. Fatherless child, 'ọmọ ashẹ́wó (prostitute's child)' were my first identity blocks, they were already ingrained in me by the time I was seven. The second block was 'ọ̀rọ̀bọ̀ (fat person)' and I knew from the way people said it that ọ̀rọ̀bọ̀ was not a compliment. Like the pictures showed, I was a very chubby child" she turned towards the screen again "Look at my laps. Don't worry you're allowed to laugh" the ladies laughed and Pastor Nikki joined in

"Can you believe I was 10 here? I was so fat and all my mum's clients drummed that into my ears. There was no baby fat excuse, I was just fat. They would tell me to stop eating, that I would blow up one day if I didn't stop. I would sit in a corner in my mum's shop as these pretty ladies came in and would wonder why I looked so different. My immediate elder sister is 4 years older than me, it's funny to talk about ages now that we're all grandmothers. Side note, all you 20 something year old ladies in the room"

"Wooh!" Mmesoma raised a shout along with some other women. Ayomi smiled, she could not believe how much fun she was having.

"Today you're 20, tomorrow you're 50. Please use this time wisely, maximize your gifts. Live a full life."

"So back to memory lane, my sisters were slim and tall while I was fat and short. At this time that I was still looking like a ball, my immediate sister was already shapely and slender. That further increased the insults. I was such a shy child because I felt I was ugly, fat and fatherless. The boys on our street had a lot of fun taunting me. The only positive block I had back then was that I was somewhat good at school. So my identity was ugly, fat, fatherless girl who was a little better than average in school. In form 4, that's SS1/2, a waist appeared. I had slimmed down a bit in my upper region and a waist finally appeared! ọ̀rọ̀bọ̀ became curvy madam." All the ladies burst into laughter.

"My sisters got me these small tops which are like the crop tops that are back in style again. I would wear the tops and fitted short skirts. I was still plump but the waist added some definition. The tops were usually revealing but as a big girl, showing some skin was important, you know. Any way to get some attention. I stayed home for a year before University so I perfected my hair-making skills. When I resumed in Uni, I became a hair stylist, so I started earning some money. My identity now became ugly, fatherless girl who was quite curvy and made a lot of money, there was still the tiny part about being good at school but I had come to the conclusion that being smart in school had no street value. Moreover, after staying home a year, my school skills were rusty."

Right on cue, the media team put up a picture that was likely from Pastor Nikki's University days. She had one of the said short tops on, short jeans skirt and a funny pair of slippers with block heels. She had black shades on and was rocking jerry curls. "I met Pastor in my second year and we got talking. He was a year ahead of me but he was studying Electrical Engineering so we were in school together throughout. He talked and talked till I eventually gave my life to Christ. Once I joined the fellowship, I had to abandon my small tops so I returned to being called fat. My waist was hidden under big clothes."

"Those S.U days." She added, laughing "Pastor was deputy head of fellowship then so when he started showing interest in me, the ọ̀rọ̀bọ̀ became a star girl"

"She's so cool. I can listen to her all day." Ayomi said. Mmesoma nodded, smiling

"We started courting in my 3rd year and going on outreaches like Pastor and Pastor Mrs. There's no sweeter love than love in the house of God" she winked dramatically and the ladies laughed.

"I had always wrestled with my appearance; whether I was pretty enough or too fat to even be pretty at all. I had wrestled with my background as a fatherless child. I had started wrestling with my academics, Industrial Chemistry was not beans and my side-hustle took so much of my time. My identity was a whole mess and being so popular, at least in the fellowship, brought all my insecurities to light. Many other ladies had their eyes on pastor. Slimmer ladies, prettier ladies, ladies from good homes, pastors' daughters, people that had been Christians since they were born" she laughed "better wife material than me. I would cry, worry and even throw tantrums because I did not feel I measured up. As if those were not enough factors, some ladies started cooking and bringing food to pastor. Ladies, we try o!" she bent her head to the side, shaking it.

The church erupted in laughter.

"I could cook but it was not my favourite thing to do or the thing I was best at. My elder sisters had always been the better cooks. The taunting I had received as a child made me run away from food and all that had to do with it. I would eat so little because I knew the slightest thing could increase my weight. I always chose the salon over the kitchen because my goal as a child was to stay away from food. When those ladies started bringing food to pastor, I became absolutely sure that I could not compete. I broke up with pastor myself and left the fellowship. I ran"

"That became one of the most transformative seasons in my life. I was so devastated that I turned to God and it was in Him I finally found my identity and purpose. It has been a journey but I look back and I don't know how I would have survived all these years without the revelation I had in that season. 1 Corinthians 6 verse 20a says 'for ye are bought with a price', the New Living Translation puts it as, 'for God bought you with a high price'. The value on you is too high to even be naturally understood and it is unchanging. My favourite version of that verse, the passion translation says" She turned to the screen behind her.

"You were God's expensive purchase, paid for with tears of blood, so by all means, then, use your body to bring glory to God. God's expensive purchase, paid for with tears of blood. You were not obtained cheaply; you are worth so much. I don't need to explain the rules of shopping to us. We understand the difference between buying just another bag and investing in a luxury bag. You cost so much, sisters. 1 Corinthians 7 verse 23 says 'God paid a high price for you, so don't be enslaved by the world or don't become slaves of people, human beings'. Jesus paid a precious price so don't degrade that by submitting to the whims and standards of the culture.

Ye are bought with a price; be not ye the servants of men and their preferences. The message puts it this way 'All of you, slave and free both, were once held hostage in a sinful world. Then a huge sum was paid out for your ransom. So please don't, out of old habit, slip back into being or doing what everyone tells you. Friends, stay where you were called to be. God is there. Hold the high ground with Him at your side. The passion translation simply says 'Since a great price was paid for your redemption, stop having the mind-set of a slave'. Stop trying to please men, win their affection and so on. You are not a slave." She paused then stood up.

"You are not your body" Pastor Nikki said, pointing her right index finger at the congregation "Hear me when I say it. You are not your face, your skin tone, your weight, your grades or your degrees. You are way more than the sum total of your stats. We get so caught up in the labels; I am pretty, I am fair, I am educated, I am smart, I am spiritual, I am wife-material or I am not pretty, I am not smart, I am not hot, I am fat but that's not all there is to you. We get so focused on those externalities and we build our esteem on how we think we measure up based on those factors relative to the standards the environment says we should aspire to.

The problem with a self-esteem or an identity based on these things is that it is fleeting and fragile. What happens when you meet somebody prettier or fairer or smarter or richer or more spiritual for us church girls? Like me, in the face of Pastor's other admirers, I packed up shop and ran. Thank God He did not give up on me and neither did Pastor. But sisters, the funny thing is I'm so different from the lady I was back then. All those curves are gone!" she laughed and stretched her arms wide as if to show everyone. She was in a yellow boubou so it was hard to see but it was obvious she was smaller than she had been in the pictures that were displayed. Ayomi remembered how she looked in the white top and jeans the week before, she was definitely smaller.

"I had a very rough time having my first son and from then till now I have never gone beyond a size 12. If my identity had been built on those curves, what would I think of myself now? My dad was back in my life before he went to be with the Lord, so I'm not fatherless. I haven't used my degree since I graduated even though I made a 2.1. Are you seeing a pattern? The things that we've been told should define us are not rock-solid. If you wake up tomorrow and the face you have is different from the one you slept with, do you become less yourself? If you were in a fire and were rescued but you had some burns, would your identity survive? I know, I know, God forbid! People say you're ugly, people say you're flat, how is that of great importance to what you will become in life? More important is what you say about yourself. The question that must be answered is, what do you believe makes you of value?"

"The answer for me is the fact that I belong to Jesus. The blood of the precious Lamb of God, the Son of the Most High was shed to redeem me. I am accepted in the beloved and that my sisters, is unchanging. My identity is rock-solid and blood-strong. It's not an identity I work to maintain or attain; it's an identity bestowed on me. I am loved by the One who is love. Ephesians 2 verse 10 in the passion translation says we have become God's poetry, a recreated people that will fulfill the destiny He has given each of us, for we are joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. We are God's workmanship, God's masterpiece. No matter what you say or what you think, I am God's masterpiece! My soul knows that so well, nobody can make me feel inferior!"

*****

Ayomi tried to follow the sermon up until the end wholeheartedly but could not. She enjoyed the trip down memory lane but got completely lost when the Bible verses started springing up. It was like her dad had said; Christians depend on religion because they are weak-hearted. They create fantasies and bubbles to bury their heads in so as to escape the world. Apparently, even someone as cool as Pastor Nikki was still brainwashed.

She sighed and stretched out on her bed; she had opted out of dinner with John and Sola.

"It's a pity, I actually like Pastor Nikki" she said to no one.

She had honestly hoped for a different solution from Pastor Nikki, something not so biblical. She had wanted something that was at least practical. What could bible verses do?

The suggested solution would not work for her but she had connected deeply with Pastor Nikki's experiences. Pastor Nikki had Pastor's other admirers, she had Lisa. Pastor Nikki had her weight, she had her darkness and 'straightness'. She was like the figure one, no curves anywhere; just a middle section that was too flabby for the rest of her body. The body shapers pulled in a non-existent waist and added mass where there was none. She wondered what the preacher would think of her bleaching and body gadgets.

"She won't like them" she answered, still speaking to no one but herself.

"How have you defined yourself, Ayomi?" she asked

"As less than Lisa" her inner voice replied in a heartbeat.

The shock at the speed and accuracy of the response brought tears to her eyes.

"What do you believe makes you of value?" she asked, remembering Pastor Nikki's question.

"Practically nothing" she groaned, it was so hard to be honest

"When I'm fairer with a banging body, I will have everyone's attention" she thought. She would have laughed it off but she knew that was how she felt.

"You sound stupid, silly" she said loudly, interrupting the chatter in her mind. "You sound like a child"

"But that's exactly how you feel" she groaned and fell asleep shortly after.

*****

"You look so good, move forward a bit. You were made for the camera." Tolu said, with his camera facing Ezinne.

"Why did you tell me to stand here if you wanted to shoot just her?!" Ayomi wanted to shout but held herself back.

Tolu finally showed up at her office after work on Friday to take her out. He gave a nonchalant apology but she accepted it anyway. He promised her a nice evening at a really posh restaurant. After whining briefly about the fact that she was not dressed for a fancy dinner, she had become excited about the time they were finally about to spend together but as usual, something came up. They had barely left the office complex when he received a last minute call for a shoot.

"I can't say no" he had said dramatically. He drove to his makeshift studio in one of his dad's plazas before she finished processing that she was having yet another disappointing experience with him.

"We have to go now" the client who had called, PV, finally said. The shoot that interrupted their date ended 20 minutes earlier but the client's younger sister, Ezinne, had caught Tolu's attention. He had said he had a concept that Ayomi and Ezinne would be perfect for, together, but had spent the entire time taking multiple shots of Ezinne.

"PV now, just a few more shots." Tolu replied.

"Then you should pay my sister for this modelling she is doing"

"This guy; with which money?" Tolu faced one of his friends who was helping out "Ted please bring those props; the flowers"

Ayomi wondered if anyone else noticed how Tolu had her standing next to Ezinne like a fool. Didn't all photographers start with their girlfriends as their first models? Tolu had never asked her to be in a shoot before and the first time he did, she was just as good as prop. Was he ashamed of her?

"You're probably over-thinking this" she thought "but what if I'm not?"

She had been stealing glances at the Ezinne girl since she got there. She was tall like a model and remarkably fair. The black attachment with which her Ghana-weaving was braided created such an attractive contrast. She also had good skin. Ayomi was sure the girl had no makeup on yet her skin looked clear. She had intentionally rubbed against the girl's face briefly to confirm there was no foundation. Her hands returned with no stains. Moreover, she could tell even flawless foundation miles away thanks to her makeup obsession. Ezinne was the vision of a model off-duty in her tank top and mom jeans. On the other hand, Ayomi could bet she looked ordinary to Tolu. She knew her face had become slightly fairer but it was nothing next to Ezinne.

"Why am I just standing here? Ezinne is the one your camera likes, the one you want" She was getting upset but she fought to stay calm and quiet. She saw that Tolu's eyes were practically twinkling just watching Ezinne. Even Ted seemed like he was falling in love. She hissed but her phone rang right at the same time. It would have been awkward if the involuntary hiss had been heard.

"Excuse me" she said and left the room. Tolu looked shocked that she just walked right out of the shoot; she did not care.

"Hello"

"At last!" Lisa shouted back. Ayomi had mistakenly picked the call without looking at the screen.

"It was not intentional"

"Chai! You can hold a grudge sha"

"It has been just two weeks"

"Ehn ehn. So two weeks is not long."

"Hey Ayo!" Bayo shouted in the background

"He and Ray are crashing here for a bit. Tonye travelled" Lisa explained

"Okay" Ayomi replied, coolly. She did not want to be on the call but going back to the shoot was not an option

"Have you spoken to mum and dad?

"No"

"You should o"

"You know I won't" she snapped

"Hmmn" Lisa sighed "Okay"

"It won't work. I can't see you so you can sigh and say okay as many times as you want."

"Ahn ahn. Is everything alright? How has work been?" she continued when Ayomi did not reply "Have you seen Tolu? Is he happy that you're there? Is he getting serious? You know serious commitment stuff?"

"Really? Serious commitment stuff. He's a 24-year-old guy trying to get his life in order, not some 34-year-old man looking to land a trophy wife!" She said it before she realized they were words not thoughts. The silence on the other end screamed back at her.

"Ouch! Ayomi!" she heard Bayo shout

"Sorry Lisa, I'm not in a good mood. Goodnight"

"Are you serious?" she heard Bayo saying but cut the call. Bayo's number called her back but she did not pick. It was pride, it was shame, it was envy, it was sadness; it was multiple negative emotions mixed into one.

She walked back into the studio with heavy steps. Ted, PV and Ezinne were leaving when she entered.

"Bye!" Ezinne called out, cheerily. Ayomi could have slapped her.

"You didn't smile for even one picture" Tolu said after they left.

"Just take me home." She sighed.

*****

The next morning, Ayomi woke up to the sound of John and Sola praying. They took their time on Saturday mornings and worshipped for hours. She sat up and pulled the covers over her head. Her alarm went off and she sluggishly reached for her phone. She had twelve missed calls, five from Ray, five from Bayo, one from Lisa and one from Damian. She decided to call Damian back, they had not spoken since the movie date a week before.

"Hi Damian. Good morning" he picked on the first ring.

"Hey Ayo! I got the part, the one we practiced for together! I got a callback for the other one."

"Really? That was fast, congrats!"

"Thank you so much. What are you doing today?"

"Nothing" she could use the distraction. It was funny how she no longer wanted a distraction from Damian, rather she wanted him to be her distraction; if that made any sense. It was simply because he had called. Since he saw her transform, she assumed he would be done with her but the fact that he had called sort of gave her hope. Maybe he was not the kind to be bothered by stuff like that.

"What are you even saying? Did he tell you he wants to date you?" she scolded herself inwardly "Damian is a friend."

"Want to practice some lines?" he asked

"Nooo" she answered, dragging out the word.

He laughed, "Then we can see a movie like last week?"

"I don't want to go out, I don't want to dress up" she could not believe how relaxed she was being with Damian.

"Want to walk round the estate? When I blow we won't be able to do that"

"You're not serious" she replied. She could imagine him laughing, it was always an unusual, quick and soft laugh, not the kind you would expect from such a buff guy. He had laughed throughout the movie they saw together. In retrospect, she wished she had paid attention; laughter would have been good for her.

"Security post in 15 minutes?"

"Make that 40" Ayomi corrected.

"Who are you forming for? He has seen your real face jorh. Damian is a friend" She thought and made a mental note to have the Damian discussion with herself. Was is it a crush? Was she just enjoying the attention? Was she fascinated because he was chasing his dreams? What was it? Why was he in her thoughts?

"And you don't want to dress up" he teased. "Ok o"

She dropped her phone and entered the bathroom.

"All my worries can wait" she declared.

*****

"You're on time" she almost squealed with excitement when she saw Damian standing by the security post at the estate's entrance exactly forty minutes later. It was weird but she found punctuality extremely attractive.

"You have a boyfriend!" she reminded herself inwardly for almost the 100th time. She had said the sentence over and over as she did her makeup and got dressed. It obviously had no effect. She was starting to enjoy being with Damian a lot.

"You're seriously love-starved. He probably just wants to be your friend" she scolded herself.

"Ayomi, you look good" Damian said, cutting through her thoughts.

"Thank you" she paused "So where are we walking to? I just said yes"

"Round the estate" he answered

"How are your parents?" Ayomi asked as they walked

"They're fine. Dad just retired so they're finally joining missions and all of that"

"Missions?"

"Evangelism to the unreached people; that's what mum calls it"

"Oh I see. Your mum's not working?"

"She left banking a long time ago. She has some stores; my elder sister manages them"

"That's cool. So they're supportive of your acting?"

"Well, yes and no. My dad was completely against it at first. Mum says she's more enlightened so she was like if you won't starve, go ahead and chase your passion but dad didn't even care about enlightenment. During NYSC, he had already talked to his friends about job opportunities. Left to him, I would be climbing the corporate ladder somewhere. I guess the fact that I did well in the competition made him more receptive but from the way he talks sometimes, I think he still feels it's just a phase. He's waiting for me to snap out of it."

"Hmmn. My mum doesn't like that I'm doing talent management too. My dad is the one who is indifferent."

"Parents" he shook his head "It's usually from a place of love though."

"Yeah"

"How are your brothers?" he asked

"They're fine, studying computer engineering"

"Oh that's nice. And your parents?"

"They're fine too. Dad is still in oil and gas, he consults these days. Mum started this Ankara stoning business"

"Lisa? I still can't believe she's married."

Ayomi felt her mood change, "he asked about everyone, there's nothing to it" she thought "But what if he asked about everyone so he could ask about Lisa?

"You're pathetic Ayo, she's married!"

"Ayomi?"

"Yeah" she stopped abruptly. She did not realize she had walked ahead of Damian.

"Is everything okay?"

"Oh yeah, yeah. Sorry, what were you saying?"

He paused, "Nothing much. I said I think she got married during the show, I didn't hear about it"

"It was a big wedding actually so the fact that you were in the house for the competition is probably why you didn't hear about it. Many guys from school came."

"Do I know the guy?"

"I don't think so" she replied, hoping Damian would change the subject.

"Well, that's nice sha. She has found love" he smiled wistfully

"Yeah, I guess so"

"Honestly, I want that too. I see my parents, my sisters and I yearn for that, you know. You're in a relationship right?"

"Yeah"

"The long term kinda relationship?"

"Yeah" her reply was barely above a whisper but Damian did not seem to mind.

"You see. I'm tired of being single jare. I want a team mate, my ride or die, heavy love things. I know it sounds corny but I really can't wait"

"Why are you saying these things to me?! Do you know how emotionally unstable I am?" she could have said but just smiled instead.

"I get" she answered

"Everyone is marrying and getting divorced these days, I want something that lasts." They had walked in the opposite direction so they got to his house first "Want to come in?"

"No! You want to trap me! See this guy o, you think you're smooth" all the horns in her head were blaring.

"My brother-in-law must have cooked up a feast"

"Brother-in-law?" Ayomi questioned.

She wanted to knock her own head "Your mind will not put you in trouble one day" she thought.

"My sister is here with her husband and their daughter. She has a brief job in town, he's on his leave and their baby's school is on vacation. Moreover, the house is too big for just me."

"He cooks?"

"He's a wannabe chef" he laughed as he unlocked the gate. His parents' house was one of the most distinct buildings in the estate. The modern, grey duplex stood head above the other buildings in both size and class "He's actually an architect, brand strategist and design guru but when he's not doing any of those, he lets his passion for food shine" He ended with a grin.

"I see. Your sister is very lucky"

"Tell me about it!" He led her to the front door. "I cook too sha in case that's something you like" she smacked his arm playfully.

"Can you smell that?" he said with his hand on the door knob, she nodded "Before we go in, my niece is very feisty. She doesn't get along with anyone so don't take it personal if she just ignores you or worse still gets aggressive"

She laughed. "No problem"

"What does your sister do?" she asked, finally stepping into the sitting room.

The corridor leading to the space was lined with framed pictures of the members of the family and some pictures she guessed, were from his parents' missions. She planned to look at them carefully on her way out. At the end of the corridor was a landing, the small staircase below it led to the sitting room. To the right of the landing was a smaller sitting space behind which was a cream curtain that she guessed led to the dining room.

The sitting room did not disappoint. The sofas were a striking shade of red but the grey walls toned down their intensity and made the room very cozy. The throw pillows were made with a black fabric covered with red and grey flowers that looked to be hand knitted. There was a glass table on a cream and coffee brown carpet at the centre of the sofas. There was a framed picture of the entire family, a calendar and a couple of awards on the wall. Of everything in the room, the TV was her favourite.

"Perfect for a movie lover" she pointed at the screen.

He winked then answered her question, "She's a stylist"

"Oh nice"

"Not to my dad o, he doesn't know how he raised such free spirits" he drew air quotes "Only our elder sister that works with mum has a real job according to dad."

"Dayman" His niece said, pronouncing his name incorrectly. She turned to see the chubby girl in a fitted yellow playsuit, trying to descend down the stairs.

"Oh she's so cute!" It was love at first sight for both of them. She got to the stairs before Damian and to his surprise, his niece stretched out her hands to Ayomi.

"Ayomi, Lucy. Lucy, Ayomi"

"It's very nice to meet you" Ayomi said to the beautiful girl in her arms.

*****

"You and last minute" Ayomi whined. Mmesoma had called her about an hour earlier to invite her to her spoken word and poetry club's meeting. She had left a tearful Lucy to get dressed. She was glad she had put on some makeup for the walk with Damian. She added all the remaining parts of her armor and a flattering pink dress. It hugged the right places, showed the right amount of cleavage and did not leave her looking trashy. Her new bleaching products were working better than she had hoped. Her face and chest had become fairer and the tone was even. She had been too busy to notice but the pink dress revealed that much. Mmesoma had whistled when she walked out. She was certain Mmesoma knew about the bleaching but she would never bring it up; she was respectful like that.

"I mentioned it before now"

"But did you say we were going today?"

"Sorry" she turned out of the estate. "I actually go once in a while myself. I just felt like going today."

Ayomi rolled her eyes jokingly "Your car is clean sha"

Mmesoma chuckled, "Of course now. You shouldn't mess up borrow pose"

Ayomi laughed, "Whose is it? Your dad?"

"At all o. Tobe got it for mum"

"This your brother, is he single?"

"Joker. That one that we're praying for his salvation."

"Me I don't mind"

"Ayomi" her face got serious.

"Sorry, never mind." Ayomi quickly replied to prevent a lecture.

"So what's the club like?" she added

Mmesoma paused like she was trying to decide whether to continue with the lecture or drop it.

"Well, it's somehow. Usually, people just come to rant. We pick a topic and discuss it or we have some presentations. Today, different guys would be performing. All in all, the club is one kind" she finally said. Ayomi heard an unspoken "We'll get back to the salvation talk"

"It's a Christian club abi"

Mmesoma just laughed and pulled into a restaurant.

"You should see for yourself. One of the members owns this place, we use the patio." She got out of the car "We are very late"

"Whose fault?"

"Mine" Mmesoma admitted and led the way. It was basically an open space with a wooden floor covered with synthetic grass carpets. About 30 people sat on newspaper print fabric sofas, some folding chairs and the grass carpets. There were recycled tire tables to the side with platters of spring rolls, samosas, sautéed fish fillets and chicken wings. The samosas and fish fillets reminded Ayomi of the first lunch date she had with Damian while the spring rolls and chicken wings reminded her of the feast his brother-in-law, Abdul, had indeed prepared. She shook her head involuntarily, she had to stop thinking about Damian. She had had an amazing time at his house up until Mmesoma called and if she had not liked him before, now she definitely did. She refocused her attention on the meeting.

Centre stage was behind a lone microphone stand towards the extreme left side of the space. Two medium landscape rocks rested beside the stand. At the moment, a short dark lady standing in front of the microphone had the group's attention. She had her long tinted dreads packed in a ponytail, one large gold hoop earring on her right earlobe and two dainty silver earrings on her left ear. She also had a gold hoop nose ring on. She was wearing baggy blue dungarees rolled up at the ankle with a black t-shirt and all black vans. Her arms were surprisingly bare except for a slim wristwatch. Her fingernails were painted neon green. She had no makeup on.

Mmesoma pulled Ayomi down to an open space on one of the newspaper couches.

"That's Mma" Mmesoma whispered, as usual.

"Drop, drop, drop it like it's hot,

Make that booty pop

Don't you ever stop

Stop, stop is that all I am?

Will.i.am, front says uh, back says ooh, ain't it pretty

It, It

Objectified, undignified, just another toy, another butt

Mister, mister with the focused eyes

What's my name? Girl with the big behind?

You just want a doll, porcelain china

Hey, my name is Barbie, what would you like today, fine sir?

An object for your amusement, use me

And then you're done, next!

In comes number two, the one they call my rival; competition

Is she prettier than me? Hotter than me? Built better than me?

Was she better at it?

Heck no, I'm done now!

Why do I submit to these standards?

Stand down, lay my arms down

Let you take the lead

Beat the drums for this mad man, guess I've been mad too

Abdicated, gave up my throne to this crazed clown

Who gave you the keys? Why do you get to play the chords?

Got my confidence back, Mma cleans up.

I've got the chops, I'll play now

The universe set me free, Mother Nature rules, Yes Ma!

I bang the drums for me!

You're not Lord, I'm King!

She rules.

Let the choir sing, I'm stepping to my own tune.

Making money moves, I take myself out

I choose me, there's no contest. I'm the baddest chic around

Beauty is me, I'm my own definition of hotness

Hot mess, the girl's rude now, hood now, tongue out, liberated much

I write the rules now.

Take a swing, you can't knock me down no more.

I'm not listening fool.

I'm strong now, woman enough, woman for two

This is my rant and I'm just getting started"

The people who had been snapping their fingers started clapping.

"Thank you" Mma said then sat down.

"Well that's it guys, we're done for today. Mma cleaned up!" a guy in a kaftan said "Eat all you want, and don't leave immediately. The real fun starts now"

"That's Yusuf, he owns the place" Mmesoma pointed out

"Thanks."

"Hi Mmesoma" Mma walked up to them with another lady who is taller, fairer and way more beautiful to look upon.

"Hey Mma, dope piece"

"Thanks jare. This is Anita"

Mmesoma reached out to hug Anita "I've heard so much about you"

"Good things I hope"

"Of course. Mma, Anita, this is Ayomi, my best friend in the world"

Ayomi smiled and received hugs from the ladies.

"Nice to meet you, Ayomi. Got to run, see you guys later" Mma said and walked off with Anita.

"That stupid girl, just be saying nonsense, thinking she has talent and lines. It's no one's fault that she's not fine enough to be wanted by any man" the shorter of two guys that had walked up to them, said

"Hater" Mmesoma turned around to face him, smiling "Hi Farouk"

"Meso baby. Who's your friend?"

"This is Ayomi"

"I'm Suru" the other guy said

"So you can talk now" Farouk teased. He had a bottle of beer in his hand "But on a serious note, that girl just said nonsense"

"Why do you think it was nonsense?" Another girl joined them. She tapped Mmesoma "Hi Meso"

"Hi Halima"

"Because it was" Farouk answered

"It wasn't. You guys objectify women, look at any music video these days. It's about body part sizes" Halima shot back

"But ladies do it too. The build you guys claim to want, the 6-pack, the money. A guy is just an ATM; that's objectifying too or isn't it?" Suru replied

"You guys do it more. I have an aunt whose husband buys her bleaching creams; can you imagine? My own is why would you marry such a guy? Why?" Halima lifted her palms face up, gesturing as she spoke.

"Hmmn, enjoy o. Me I'm going" Mmesoma waved at them and left the cluster with Ayomi. They nodded in her direction but continued their discussion

"Do you want anything?" Mmesoma headed to one of the tire tables, some waiters had just brought new platters of food.

"No, I'm full" Ayomi replied. She had eaten at Damian's and could not risk taking even a bite more. The average person would not call what she had actually eaten, food but she was overly conscious when it came to food. She kept thinking about the last thing Halima said as she waited for Mmesoma.

Mmesoma took a disposable plate and served herself before heading towards the car.

"I guess Mma is controversial." Ayomi said, pushing aside thoughts of the husband telling his wife to bleach.

"Everyone there is controversial" she laughed "but yeah, I guess Mma is most controversial, she worships the universe."

"Hehe. What about Anita?"

"Oh, she's Mma's partner"

"Partner?"

"Yeah" Mmesoma turned from the steering briefly and smiled. Ayomi's eyes widened as recognition dawned.

"Isn't that illegal?"

Mmesoma smiled, "In Nigeria. Not all over the world"

Ayomi sat back in her seat, shocked.

"And she's your friend? You guys talk?" she turned to Mmesoma "Meso, do you approve of lesbianism?"

"Of course not, but you don't win people by stigmatizing them." She paused "Censuring isn't what changes people. I pray for her, I invite her to church and she has been receptive recently. She knows I don't approve but she's a talented, pretty young girl; she doesn't need my hate, she needs Jesus. When she gets Him, the Holy Spirit will lead her out of it. Criticizing anyone never helped them break an addiction"

"Hmmm" Ayomi said. She wondered if that was what Mmesoma had done with her. She had to agree that it was working.

"How did you even end up in the club?"

"I found them. I realized my circle of friends was full of Christians. How do we reach the lost if we avoid them?"

"I see" she paused "Am I one of the lost?"

"You're almost home" Mmesoma smiled and Ayomi rolled her eyes playfully.

*****

Ayomi could have cried but it would have just made the situation more embarrassing. She made some mistakes with the numbers during her presentation on likely charity causes the next Tuesday and had to be corrected by one of the directors.

"You did good" Tammy comforted her as she walked out of the conference room.

"It was terrible" Ayomi said to Andy after Tammy left.

"Terrible? At all. It was really good"

"You don't have to comfort me; I flopped big time. I am so stupid"

"Ahn ahn, why so negative? It was a slight mistake."

"The director had to correct me and it was obvious he wasn't pleased he had to"

"And so? I was corrected severally when I started here. That man in particular enjoys forming old G. I can't believe you're so worked up about it. Brush it off."

"Okay" she said but her thoughts kept repeating something different. Andy walked out so she just stayed seated in the room with her head on the table. A few minutes later, she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"Ayomi, are you okay?" Tammy had returned.

"Yeah" she forced a smile

Tammy did not look convinced but she continued, "I'm going to one of the orphanages we work with now; I think it'd be good for you to come since we're working on the project together."

"Oh definitely" She returned the projector to Tammy's office, picked up her bag and joined Tammy and Andy.

*****

They got to the compound that housed the orphanage about 45 minutes later after a rocky trip that had Andy cursing the government.

"Canaan Home" Ayomi read the signboard over the dull peach bungalow.

"We just drove in" Tammy said to someone over the phone. A petite woman walked out and waved, she had a phone to her ear also. Tammy nodded, dropped the phone and got out of the car.

"Aunt Cecilia!" she walked into the woman's waiting embrace.

"It's good to see you as always"

"You too ma. You look as lovely as ever."

"With all this grey hair?"

"Yes" Tammy replied. Ayomi nodded in reply; she was such a graceful woman.

"This is Aunt Cecilia, the head matron. Ma, these are my colleagues; Ayomi and Andy. Andy was here for the last event."

"I remember him. Welcome dear" She had a hug for each of them.

"You can go ahead" Tammy urged, turning to talk to the head matron. A plump tall woman with a badge that read 'Assistant Matron' beckoned to Ayomi and Andy.

"We have three sections." She led them into a bright pink room with sloppy paintings of Winnie the pooh, Mickey and Minnie mouse on the walls. There were several baby cots arranged in three rows across the room. There were some beds for the bigger children. They followed the woman as she walked round the room. Ayomi watched as the little children that were awake looked at them. She saw the longing in their eyes and felt her heart break. Ayomi stopped at a cot with a baby that looked to be no older than 5 months.

"They found her in a bin" the woman said, following Ayomi's line of sight. She pointed to a toddler in another one of the cots "He was also found in a bin."

Ayomi's head grew hot, she knew she would end up crying. They walked out of the room into a blue one. There were fewer cots in the room and they were not as neatly organized as the ones in the first room.

"This room is for the children with disabilities." Ayomi's steps became heavy, the first room had been tough and she knew the second would just be tougher. Her eyes landed on a terribly skinny boy with saliva dripping from his mouth. She did not want to turn away from him but she could not help herself, she could not stand the sight of him. She turned just to see a little girl with a massive growth on the side of her head, reaching her arms out. She wanted to carry her, she wished she was strong enough but she was not.

"Hi dear" she offered weakly, holding the girl's right hand instead.

Some older children came in then, a couple of which had Down syndrome.

"We don't have many older children. They usually leave after sometime. Most of the ones that are still with us have physical conditions that prevent them from leaving. They stay in the third room. Do you want to see them?"

She was facing Ayomi but Andy answered, "Ehm, no. We're still coming back some other time. I think we should return to our colleague"

"Alright"

Ayomi looked at Andy and thanked him with her teary eyes. She knew he had gone on the tour just because of her, he had been round the home before. As they walked out, a pretty girl with the inability to use her legs and arms was wheeled in by a lady whose badge read 'Nurse'. The girl's head was bent to the left side and her face seemed to be stuck in a grin. Her fair skin was darkened but Ayomi could imagine her with some makeup on. The image she saw was gorgeous. Something about the girl finally opened Ayomi's floodgates and the tears flowed. Andy squeezed her hands and led her out.

"It's always tough" Andy said. Ayomi turned her head towards the sky, trying to hold the tears back.

"Yeah"

"Do you know what happened to that girl?" she asked, wiping the tears off her face

"I think it's cerebral palsy (CP). I googled it after I came the last time; uhm spastic quad cerebral palsy. I almost forgot, I was thinking we should add providing speech therapy, physical therapy and probably mobility aids to the charity causes we listed"

"Yeah"

They walked back to Tammy and left a couple minutes later. Ayomi sat silently in the back instead of the front seat next to Tammy, like she had done on the ride there. She thought of the pretty girl with CP and wondered how different her life could have been. In light of the problems the children at the orphanage were facing, everything that had been disturbing her seemed silly. Did that pretty girl bother about her appearance? Did she think about catching the attention of some guy? Ayomi wrestled with her feelings of selfishness.

"Pastor Nikki taught a series tagged the enough experiment earlier in the year, her teachings inspired me to find this place. I've learnt so much since I started coming." Tammy said, interjecting her thoughts "It means a lot to the children when people come around. That's why I'm really passionate about involving our artistes in these things because of the exposure and support it can bring but I worry. The last thing I want is for it to become another superficial show of kindness by the wealthy and famous."

"Exactly" Andy put in.

"Ayomi?"

"Yeah" she replied coolly

"Are you okay?"

"Yes; I'm just a bit shaken"

"I understand that. Seeing the children really puts a lot of things in perspective. Many times we focus on what we don't have and consequently lose sight of what we do have."

Ayomi nodded vehemently with tears welling up in her eyes again. She felt a change coming up on her inside, something seemed to be shifting.

PART TWO

The next day, Ayomi went with Tammy to church for the Wednesday service as usual. She did not wait to be asked, she just joined Tammy when she was leaving. She thought some of the concepts Pastor Nikki mentioned were weird but could not make herself stay away. She enjoyed listening to Pastor Nikki and the services seemed to draw her in.

"Oh, I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God" Pastor Nikki sang. She was on her stool with the music stand in front of her. "You define us Jesus."

"Jubal" she added, referring to the music team "Just keep playing. Ladies, I want you to close your eyes and ask God to tear down whatever negative perceptions you've had of yourself. Jesus, tear down every lie! Tear it down Lord."

Ayomi saw that Tammy's eyes were closed so she closed hers too. The instrumentalists were still playing so Mmesoma was on the stage.

"And we are among the chosen ones who received the call to belong to Jesus, the Anointed One." She heard Pastor Nikki say slowly, emphasizing each word "Long before He laid down earth's foundations, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love, to be made whole and holy by His love. He chose us to be His very own. He has made us accepted in the beloved. What pleasure He took in planning this "

Ayomi forced herself to keep her eyes closed because she wanted to have the moment. She knew she could use some stillness and meditation time even though she was not interested in the spiritual quotes.

"You are God's cultivated field, His garden, His Vineyard, God's building. We are His workmanship, His handiwork, His own master work, His work of art, His masterpiece. We have become His poetry"

Ayomi repeated the words quietly, "Garden, vineyard, work of art, masterpiece, poetry" A picture of Mma performing flashed through her mind. She remembered the passion with which she delivered her piece. Was God that passionate about her? Gardens, vineyards, works of art, masterpieces, poetry all referred to the products of dedicated, careful and well thought out work.

"Am I the beloved work of a skilled artist?" she thought.

She shook it off "What kind of silly question is that? They're getting to you. What kind of talk is that?"

"Oh yes, You shaped me first inside, then out; You formed me in my mother's womb." Pastor Nikki said as if she had heard Ayomi's thoughts. Shock made Ayomi open her eyes. She saw that Pastor Nikki was reading from her sheets on the music stand. Tammy's eyes were still closed so she rested in her seat and closed hers again.

Pastor Nikki continued, increasing her pitch "I thank You, High God-You're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I will praise Thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made4. You belong to Christ; and Christ belongs to God. You are Christ's body-that's who you are, and each of you is a unique and vital part of it. You are God's chosen treasure - priests who are kings. He called you out of darkness to experience His marvelous light, and now He claims you as His very own. At one time you knew nothing of God's mercy, because you hadn't received it yet, but now you are drenched with it "

"So that we would know for sure that we are His true children, God released the Spirit of Sonship into our hearts - moving us to cry out intimately, My Father! You're our true Father! Now we're no longer slaves under the law, but we enjoy being God's very own sons and daughters! And because we're His, we can access everything our Father has - for we are heirs of God through Jesus, the Messiah "

"My dearest one, let me tell you how I see you" Pastor Nikki dropped her pitch again "You are so thrilling to me. To gaze upon you is like looking at one of Pharaoh's finest horses - a strong, regal steed pulling his royal chariot. Your tender cheeks are aglow. We will enhance your beauty, encircling you with our golden arms of love. You will be marked with our redeeming grace.9"

Ayomi thought of beauty enhancement and body improvement by love and redeeming grace. It sounded easier than her current techniques. Her mind jumped from feeling that it was just Christian mumbo-jumbo to longing for the understanding that led to the excitement she could hear in Pastor Nikki's voice.

"Every part of you is so beautiful, my darling. Perfect is your beauty, without flaw within. Thou art all fair, my love, there is no spot in thee. Dark am I, yet lovely, daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon."

"Dark am I, yet lovely" Ayomi repeated quietly and suddenly tears welled up in her eyes. She opened her eyes to confirm whether Pastor Nikki was still reading from her sheets. Were those lines in the Bible too?

"He is within me - I am His garden of delight. I have Him fully and now He fully has me! O my beloved, you are lovely. More pleasing than any pleasure, more delightful than any delight, you have ravished my heart. Even hosts of angels stand in awe of you. Unrivaled in beauty, without equal, beyond compare, the perfect one, the favourite one. Others see your beauty and sing of your joy.Redeeming love crowns you as royalty. Your thoughts are full of life, wisdom and virtue. Even a king is held captive by your beauty. How delicious is your fair beauty; it cannot be described."

"Even a king is held captive by my beauty. Even a king. How delicious is my beauty, it cannot be described" Ayomi said after Pastor Nikki, this time loud enough that Tammy's eyes opened.

Tammy looked at her and smiled.

*****

Several thoughts battled in Ayomi's mind as she sat at her desk the next morning. She felt residual pain from the shaky presentation, was still shaken by the orphanage visit and remembered Pastor Nikki's words. CDs and Mp3 versions of the service had been made available right after. Tammy had bought several copies and given her one. Against her better judgement, she had listened to it all night. She had fallen asleep with the recording still playing.

"What's that look?" Andy said, walking in less than 20 minutes after her.

"You're early again"

"I'm just trying to be like you" he smiled "you're not changing the topic though, what's wrong?"

"Nothing"

He walked to his seat and dropped his bag.

"Don't tell me you're still bothered because of the presentation" His eyes had caught the open PowerPoint document on her screen.

"Not really" Ayomi replied. She had opened the file but had not even looked at it.

"Ayomi, you can't let everything everyone says get to you. You're a smart girl and that's not going to change because you made a slight mistake in a presentation. Your value to the company was not tied to that one presentation. You learnt a lesson and you can move on from it. It's too small a matter to get you worried. Okay?"

Ayomi nodded, "Thank you Andy"

"Anytime. I'm kind of the chief encouragement officer in this office" He winked and she laughed. "I'm going to the nap room"

"Sleep well"

"I sure will"

Her phone beeped, it was a message from Tammy.

"Please call Damian, he has an audition in 2 hours. I have added the venue; additional material wasn't made available" the text read. She forwarded the text and Damian called her immediately.

"Hey Ayomi! Thanks for the text"

"Anytime. It's my job remember?"

"Yeah but thanks still. By the way, I'm so sorry I haven't called since Saturday"

"Narh, no problem at all"

"My boyfriend hasn't called since last week Friday" she almost added, then wondered why she kept comparing Damian and Tolu.

"I had such a great time on Saturday. Planned to surprise you on Sunday but Lucy fell ill."

"Oh my. How is she?"

"She's back home today. She'd be excited to see you" he paused "Me too"

"Abdul is still around?" she asked, ignoring the 'me too' he had added

He laughed, "Yes"

"Then I'm game. When can I come?"

"Can you imagine? So it's Abdul you want to see"

"No, it's Lucy I want to see but I don't mind eating good food while seeing her"

"Hmmn, so no love for me; it's not like you even eat much. It's not fair o"

"It's not love you want; it's an acting practice buddy you're looking for"

He laughed again, "What if that's just the cover?"

"Ghen-ghen!" she shouted then remembered she was in the office "I just shouted in the office"

"Sorry" he was also laughing

"Thank you Damian. You just lightened my mood"

"It was my pleasure ma'am. As a true artist, you know. So when are we seeing? Saturday? Sunday?"

"Sunday sounds fine. Have a good audition"

"Thank you."

"There's nothing to practice for this one"

"Yeah, I saw that. They'll probably provide sides at the venue."

"Wow. Are you not nervous?"

"I am but thankfully, I am not desperate. I have work lined up so the pressure is less. I'm either what they want or not, and that's fine. I'm shaping up to be a great actor if I can say so myself and their rejection or acceptance won't change that. You can't be everyone's cup of tea and that doesn't make you poor tea, right? Everyone doesn't have the same taste and that's alright."

Ayomi felt like clapping for him, why was everyone dropping gems of wisdom for her?

"You're too much"

"You too, Ayomi. You're too much. Have a good day dear"

"Thanks."

The smile on Ayomi's face did not fade for hours.

*****

Ayomi raised her head to see Tatiana, one of her favourite Nigerian female artistes, walking into the office right after lunch the next day. She had gone to the reception to talk to Mirabel, the receptionist, about a package she was expecting. She had ordered a pink tutu skirt and an 'I am a boss lady' t-shirt for Lucy.

"Welcome Tatiana" Mirabel called out and she replied with a slight nod.

Ayomi was about to have a fan-girl moment when she remembered she was at the office and Tatiana was one of their clients. She mumbled a 'hi' and practically raced before her to Tammy's office. Tatiana stopped to talk to one of the directors who was in the office that day.

"What's up?" Andy asked as she breezed past him.

"Tatiana's here!" she stopped briefly and had her fan-girl moment

"Oh" Andy laughed "One of the perks of the job. You'll meet many more people; it's almost time for them to renew contracts and the charity causes we're working on too. But hope you just said hi and didn't ask for a selfie"

She nodded, feeling proud of herself.

"Off to tell Tammy" she said, and continued on her way.

Andy laughed as she left, "You know you don't have to right?"

"Yeah" she replied but kept walking.

"The truth is we're all weak, we're not strong alone. Many things happen to us that we can't control or explain. Many things happen to us that we can't handle. I've just accepted that fact humbly and chosen to rely on God who is Almighty. On my own I'm weak but in Him I have strength. You can be weak and deceive yourself that you're strong or you can settle in God's arms. We don't know how we wake up every morning, we have no control over the sun or the moon so how can we deceive ourselves into believing we're strong."

Ayomi stopped by Tammy's door and heard her talking. Her dad's words flashed before her and she felt a release in her heart. It was as if Tammy had given her permission to acknowledge all Pastor Nikki had been teaching. She had tried to be strong and practical because of her dad's philosophy. She never wanted to be in the group of those he called weak-minded but the truth was she wrestled with so many issues. Issues for which she had found no practical long-lasting answers. She had continued listening to the recording of the verses Pastor Nikki read the past Wednesday and she wanted the words to be true of her too.

"Ayomi?" she heard Tammy call.

She snapped back to reality, "So sorry Tammy, I wasn't eavesdropping. I was coming to tell you Tatiana's around"

"It's okay. Amaka, Ayomi. Ayomi, Amaka. She went to school with Debbie, Sola and me"

Ayomi looked at the pretty lady with her chubby baby. She assumed the child was female because of the mass of black curly hair on her head. She saw the woman enter earlier but had thought she already left.

"It's nice to meet you"

"Same here" the lady replied, shyly

"I'll be out shortly. Tatiana already called to say she was coming"

"Okay"

"Thanks" Tammy turned to Amaka as Ayomi walked out "So my doors are always open. You don't have to go at it alone. You are welcome back to the house anytime"

"Thank you Tammy" Amaka replied.

As Ayomi sat back on her seat, thoughts of Tatiana shifted to the back and she began to wonder what the recent insight meant for her. Was she going to become a Christian like Mmesoma, Tammy and Pastor Nikki? Was that enough ground for her to trust this God? A God many people blamed for all the evil things in the world.

Her phone rang, it was Damian. She picked the call smiling.

"Ayomi, hi"

"Hi Damian."

"My audition went well"

"Oh that's good to hear, sorry I didn't call back"

"No problem, I'm sure you had a long day. I've heard that Tammy works everyone to their bones."

She laughed, "But she's great"

"Yeah."

"So what was the audition like?"

"It was nerve-racking but in a good way. From the sides I got for the audition, it seems the character I might be playing is a drug addict, but he's in love with this girl. He lost his parents when he was young and he's still wealthy but he shuts down the pain with the drugs. The girl is his doctor's daughter. She has it all together so she deserves someone better but he loves her. The struggle is that he knows he's not good for her but he can't stay away. It's going to be a deep project; I can feel it. I just really hope they call back though I think they will."

"Hmmn"

"I got to read with the lady already cast as the doctor's daughter and oh my God, it was like I had known her for years." He continued, obviously excited "We connected immediately. One of the men in the room, I think he's the casting director, I'm not sure, said we were like magic. I've been talking to her since yesterday, and the more I've learnt about her, the more I've liked her. She thinks I'll definitely get the role"

"That's so nice" Ayomi replied though she did not enjoy learning about this girl he had connected with.

"I'm supposed to meet up with her later today. The project is small so I know they want to start work on it soon. Hopefully, I'll get a call from them soon."

"That would be great"

"Yeah. We're still on for Sunday right?"

She wanted to say no but she did not. She had to give Lucy her gift.

"Yeah"

"See you then"

She sighed after the call, "You see yourself, there's no road there. Why can't you just be sensible?"

*****

"At least we know you're alive" Bayo said to Ayomi over the phone. The sound of John and Sola singing had woken her up as usual. The call from Bayo had come in while she was still stretching. She had avoided his calls all week but drowsiness made her pick that Saturday morning.

"Hi Bayo" she said, dryly

"How could you say that, hang up and never call back? Who does that? You hurt Lisa so much"

She had been too ashamed to call back earlier and Bayo was only making her feel worse.

"Shut up Bayo! Give me the phone" she heard Ray say

"Hey sis. What's up? How are you?" He asked

"I guess I'm fine"

"But you aren't. Is it work? Tolu?" She stayed silent.

"It's not like you to snap like that. What happened?"

If she could have hugged Ray through the phone, she would have. He was truly the better brother; brother of the year.

"Work is fine. But I've been so disturbed; Tolu, my feelings" her voice broke

"I knew it. You'll be fine Ayo, you'll be fine. Dump the Tolu guy now." The fact that her gist was always common knowledge amazed Ayomi.

"Is there any way I can help?" he added

"You already have."

"Don't mind Bayo, you know he doesn't know how to talk"

She smiled, "Yeah no problem. How's Lisa?"

"She's good but you should call her. She cried after your call, that's how I even found out something had happened."

"Oh God"

"Yeah, and they initially didn't want to tell me but it seems Tonye might be cheating. Her friend sent her some pictures earlier that day".

Ayomi felt even more ashamed, "What?! How can anyone cheat on Lisa? With who? With what?"

"I wonder too. We hope it's not true. The lady could be a friend, a colleague. They were in an awkward position but they weren't naked or anything."

"I really need to call her. Now?"

"She went out with mum, I'll text you when she's back. I'll tell mum and dad you said hi"

She covered her face with her palm. One day she would work on her relationship with her parents.

"Thank you Ray. Please tell Bayo I'm sorry"

"He knows. Be good sis and please make yourself happy. No one is worth this stress."

"Thanks" she dropped the call and dialed Tolu immediately. She had stopped herself from calling all week and as expected Tolu had not called either.

"Hey dear" he said cheerily, picking the third time she called.

"Tolu, I'm done" she said as soon as she heard his voice. She was irritated because she had called three times before he deemed it fit to pick. The irritation coupled with what her brother said, the residual annoyance from the photo shoot and the fact that he had not bothered to check up on her since he dropped her off the week before made thinking rationally and speaking calmly impossible. "I'm tired! I'm tired! I'm tired! I'm done" she practically shouted in a rush.

"You're breaking up with me? Over the phone?"

"Yes I am!" there was no going back "Do you think you deserve better? Why shouldn't I?"

"Wow."

"Wow to you too!" she cut the call and stormed out of the room. John, Sola and Hannah were still praying in the parlour so she returned to her room and cried. She felt her heart break with every tear. She had worked so hard, invested so much and finally ended the relationship herself.

"Who does this? Why did I do this to myself?" she asked and continued crying.

*****

Tolu left her 20 missed calls and then showed up at her house, early the next day. She had declined Sola's invitation to church so she was home when he arrived.

"Didn't you see any of my calls?" he asked when they were seated in the sitting room.

"I did" she answered, without looking at him "I think you called in one day more than you've called since we've been dating. You've had my address since I moved here and now was the only time you thought to use it."

He was quiet for a while, "Is this really what you want?"

"Isn't it what you want?" she turned to look at him. She knew her eyes had to be flashing with both anger and tears. She was transferring aggression from all the issues in her life to him.

"You hardly ever called, you didn't care. I think you felt you were too good for me; I wasn't enough for you"

"No I think you felt that way" he retorted then kept quiet. Suddenly, he stood up to leave.

"You're just going to leave? Then why did you come all the way?"

He looked at her quietly for some time then as if he had changed his mind about being silent, returned to the sofa and started talking.

"From afar, you seem like you have it together but up close, you're a nutcase. I was attracted to this girl I had heard was smart, nice and pretty but you're nothing like I hoped. You are so insecure, it's suffocating. All I wanted was peace, but you couldn't even give me that. Why didn't you call? Who were you with? What did I do wrong? Questions all the time. Then I realized the whole pretty and set image was also a scam; the work of brushes and pads. I should have broken up with you a long time ago!"

Ayomi's rage was silenced by the force with which Tolu replied.

"For example, last week Friday. I just wanted to have a good time with you, I'm sorry the photo shoot came up but that didn't change anything. Photography is important to me because I've finally found something I'm good at, something that makes my dad look at me like he's proud and I just want to give that everything I have. The photo shoot came up and you couldn't take your mind off yourself for a minute to be happy for me. Do you know who PV is? He's one of the biggest photographers in town and he had heard about me. He wanted me to take his pictures." He brought out his phone and showed her a picture of two ladies laughing with each other in front of a yellow backdrop with flowers all around them. One of the ladies was much taller and a bit fairer than the other. "I saw Ezinne and thought the two of you would look great together in a shot like this. My plan was to take a few pictures like this then do a photo shoot with just you after PV and Ezinne left but you were so cranky. You kept looking at Ezinne like she stole something from you, like she was" he paused like he was searching for the word to use "like she was your rival. You didn't smile once, Ayomi, not once! Everyone noticed"

He stood up again and started pacing. Ayomi could not stop the tears that were falling even though she tried. She put her hand over her chest, it hurt.

"It's fine that you broke up with me, honestly. I guess I would have done it sooner or later if you hadn't and it wouldn't have been because you weren't pretty enough or smart enough or because your body wasn't as curvy as you packaged it to be. It would have simply been because you gave me no peace, no rest. You were insatiable, selfish and insecure." He stormed out of the house and she followed him out.

"I really liked you" he was beside the driver's seat of his car. He kicked the door and looked at her, she was standing in front of the door, on the veranda. "Heck! I really liked you. I'm sorry if I was an ass, I'm sorry for the times I didn't call, I'm sorry I didn't tell you I thought you were beautiful without all that makeup and packaging. You were beautiful to me. I'm really sorry Ayo but it wasn't just my fault this didn't work." He got into the car and drove off. She ran to her room and wailed.

*****

"Ayomi! Mmesoma's here! Ayomi!" John called, they had just returned from church. Ayomi jumped up, startled. She had slept off while crying. John and Sola usually stayed back for workers' meeting at the church, Mmesoma too.

"I'm coming in" Mmesoma said as she pushed open the door to Ayomi's room "You do know we hold services on Sundays too right? Not just Wednesdays" she stopped when she saw Ayomi's face.

"Ayomi!" she rushed to her side on the bed "What happened?"

"Talk to me Ayomi. What happened?"

"I broke up with Tolu"

"Oh Ayomi" she hugged her "It's okay, it's okay. He wasn't good for you anyway; you deserve better"

"Tolu was a good guy; a really good guy"

"Even if, you still deserve a better guy"

"Pastor Nikki, two Wednesdays ago" she lifted her head and sniffed "She asked, what do you believe makes you of value, and Meso, I don't know."

"What? Don't say that Ayomi"

"No listen. All my life I've just been the other girl in my family, I wasn't my dad's angel or my mum's handbag, I was no one's pet. I'm not pretty enough to stand out, I'm flat and straight with a flabby tummy. I graduated with a 4.53, so I'm smart yeah but not smart enough. I'm so much darker than my siblings. There's nothing special about me."

"Oh Ayomi, how can you say that?"

"Meso, you're cool" the tears were still streaming down her face "You are a bad ass drummer, a fashionista and you're so cute. You have all the curves you need and you don't even want them half of the time."

"I'm fat Ayomi, not curvy but I don't mind. I'm always the biggest girl in the group, do you know how I've struggled with my weight? I don't know who you've been talking to but 4.53 is not the average CGPA!"

"Says the 5-pointer"

"Wow" Mmesoma was dazed.

"You're not fat Meso, I've seen how guys look at you. Even with all my gadgets, they don't look at me that way."

"You're pretty Ayomi"

"I'm not. I'm so dark! Even with all the bleaching, I'm still dark"

"You're not that dark anymore. Moreover, there's nothing wrong with being dark. There are many gorgeous dark women! Agbani Darego is dark."

"You know fairer girls are considered prettier and I'm not gorgeous Meso, I'm not. Pastor Nikki is pretty, Tammy is pretty, Sola is pretty, Lisa is pretty but I'm not. I have a strangely wide nose and contouring can't make it disappear. I have all these black spots on my face. I am not fine and you know it. I'm awkward-looking, there's nothing special about me."

"Oh God, Ayomi. What are you saying?" Mmesoma was also crying, she did not know how to handle the meltdown. Ayomi could not control herself, she felt herself unravelling with every minute. The thoughts she had tried to bury for years kept rushing out.

"I could drop off the planet and my parents would not notice. Lisa this, Lisa that. Why is she so perfect? How can I compete with her? She always comes up better. Without the face beat, the pads, Tolu, I'm nothing. I don't measure up, I don't. I want to be pretty; I want to be hot. I want people to notice me. Is that too much to ask? Do you know how many people called me ugly, flat, blackie in secondary school? Not one guy asked me out. I'm nothing"

"Is this what you think about yourself Ayomi? It's all a lie; stupid lies from the pit of hell. There's something special about everybody and you're not just anybody. There are so many special things about you. You are kind, intelligent, you have a great heart. You see the best in people, you believe in them when no one else does. You are funny, you are wonderful"

"I'm ugly but I have a good personality." Ayomi laughed bitterly "Na who personality help?"

"No! No! You are lovely Ayomi. Please believe me. As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. You are talented; you have such a beautiful voice. You have a beautiful smile. You are like a ray of sunshine when you just let yourself be you. You are my best friend in the world. Even when you're not trying, your presence makes all the difference. Please don't believe the devil's lies."

"The devil." she scoffed "It's not the devil, don't turn it to some spiritual thing. It's what I see in the mirror, what's the devil's own? Meso, I hate myself. Why am I not beautiful? Why?" Ayomi kept crying.

"Is everything alright?" John asked, standing by the door

"Yes" Mmesoma replied. Ayomi's phone beeped.

"I need to go" she said all of a sudden

"Where?" Mmesoma asked as she heard John walk away.

"Just down the road" she replied. She was done talking about her feelings and Mmesoma could sense it

"What? Why? Now? Ayomi, please let's talk this thing through"

"I need to see Damian" she started wiping away the tears

"The guy you were with last Saturday?"

Ayomi nodded

"Why?"

"I promised. I have something to give his niece."

"No, Ayomi. Let's talk."

"No, No. I'm fine Meso"

Mmesoma was dazed, "I'm coming with you"

"There's no need but okay" Ayomi crawled back into her shell and buried all the thoughts going through her mind. As she went through the motions of cleaning up and applying her makeup, she forced herself to be happy.

"Makeup is bae." she said merrily 35 minutes later. "Good to go"

"Hmm" Mmesoma was not convinced.

*****

"Ayomi!" Lucy shouted and ran to hug her once she entered the house.

"She got your name perfectly!" Damian was amazed.

Ayomi looked at the baby girl and remembered something her mother usually said.

"T'ọ́mọdé bá n tẹ̀lé èeyàn, á jẹ́ pé inú ẹni bẹ́ẹ̀ da" (if a child is following a person, it means the person's heart is good.)

Lucy's hands were around Ayomi's legs and her head rested barely above her knees. She held on tightly and Ayomi fought back tears. Lucy treated her like she was a star, like she was special.

"Lucy" she replied, supporting the child's back as she bent to her level to hug her back.

"She adores you" Damian added "I can't believe how open she is with you"

"She thinks I'm worth something" Ayomi thought and smiled sadly.

Damian faced Mmesoma who Lucy had completely ignored, "I'm Damian"

"Nice to finally meet you. I'm Mmesoma"

"Please come with me. Those two know their way around"

Mmesoma laughed but stayed put. She had to keep an eye on Ayomi, she was not sure she was fine.

"Go ahead" Ayomi urged when she noticed Mmesoma didn't move.

"I got something for you" she said to Lucy as she lifted her. The plastic carrier bag was on her left forearm.

"Show me" Lucy replied, clapping her hands

Ayomi laughed and Mmesoma finally walked in with Damian. Ayomi followed with Lucy. Once they were seated in the sitting room, she retrieved the tutu skirt and top, and handed them to Lucy. Lucy did everything but somersault.

"I wee wear it" she dashed off with the items but stopped at the stairs. Ayomi stood up to help her up the stairs that led to the parlour.

"How old is she?" Mmesoma asked

"2 plus" Damian answered

"She's so smart"

"Yes, she is"

Mmesoma looked at Ayomi who was back on the red sofa with her eyes closed.

"We're back!" Ayomi opened her eyes when she heard a woman's voice. Lucy had already changed into the outfit and was in the woman's arm. She knew immediately that the woman had to be Damian's elder sister, the face was unmistakable and her dress was totally worthy of her profession. She was in a simple Ankara halter dress with a long slit in front but there was something extremely stylish about the print and the cut. She had no makeup on and her natural hair was in twists. Ayomi was surprised because she looked different from what she had expected. It was obvious Damian had won the good looks in the family.

"I'm Charlotte" She was carrying Lucy on her left side so she reached out for a hug with her right arm. Lucy started fussing so she put her down.

"It's so nice to finally meet you Ayomi." She continued "Lucy hasn't kept quiet about you, Damian too, even Abdul. I was so pained that I didn't meet you when you came around the first time."

"It's great to meet you too" Ayomi replied. Damian's sisters were several years older than him so they were never in the same school at the same time. His sisters were already in the university when Ayomi met him in secondary school.

Abdul walked in then, he had an apron over his jeans shirt and black pants.

"Ayomi" he hugged her like she was part of the family. Lucy pulled on his apron

"See, see"

"Wooow! My princess looks beautiful" Lucy's grin made Ayomi's heart swell.

"Thank you so much for the outfit. I'm sure she won't take it off till she sleeps" Charlotte walked to Mmesoma

"Hello"

"Hi, I'm Mmesoma, Ayomi's friend" she smiled

"Anyone that's Ayomi's friend is our friend too" Abdul said and Charlotte nodded. Damian stayed silent, blushing all the way to his toes. His sister winked at him.

"He hasn't told you about his co-star" Ayomi thought and then almost opened her mouth. With all she had been through that day, how could she still be bothered about Damian's love life?

She looked at Abdul and Charlotte as they stood side by side and was amazed that they were a couple. Abdul was gorgeous and tall. His fair skin, black curly afro, full eyebrows and neat Balbo beard made his face one of the most beautiful faces she had seen in a long time. She only knew the name of the beard style because Ray had obsessed about goatee styles when his chin hair had finally shown up. As if he was not already handsome enough, he had the perfect smile. His teeth were brightly white and well arranged. Ayomi was convinced he had worn braces at some point and maybe even whitened his teeth. He was slightly built. He looked like he went to gym but more for the fun than the muscles.

"Is going to the gym fun for anyone?" Ayomi wondered.

Charlotte on the other hand was just alright and Ayomi was not hating. When she had met Abdul and Lucy, and heard that Charlotte was a stylist, she had assumed Charlotte would be so beautiful. To her surprise, the nice woman in front of her was like any other woman. She was tall like Damian and they looked alike but the face that worked so well for Damian looked too manly for her. She also seemed bigger on top than down; her shoulders were a bit broad for her skinny body but the dress was flattering. Ayomi would have never rocked the dress Charlotte was in if she had her body but then she was not confident like her. Charlotte did not look like she cared at all that her body was not exactly 'sexy'. She spoke confidently, laughed freely and Abdul obviously adored her. Ayomi noticed he had hardly taken his eyes off her and she was already his wife.

"We're going to get the food" Charlotte said

"Great!" Damian faced Mmesoma. "So how did the poetry club meeting go? Ayomi left us for you on Saturday"

Lucy had found her way to the spot next to Ayomi on the sofa.

Mmesoma laughed and replied "I'm sorry for making her leave but the meeting went well, Ayomi?" Ayomi snapped out of her thoughts as Charlotte and Abdul left the parlour.

"Yeah" she replied and carried Lucy.

"Any striking piece?"

"We got there late so we only heard one" Mmesoma replied

"What was it about?"

"How men have crazy expectations of what women's bodies should look like"

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah"

Ayomi left Mmesoma and Damian to have the conversation but listened.

"Like what?"

"You know now. You guys want women that are well endowed but without the extra fat, the stretch marks, cellulite and all that. Before it was boobs, now it's big bumbum"

"Hahaha but some men like skinny ladies. My best friend in university used to say he can't stand excess luggage."

Mmesoma laughed, "Can you imagine. Well, okay but all guys like pretty girls, you people want yellow pawpaw. Someone you can flaunt"

He laughed, "But some guys like chocolate girls. Black girls rock too"

"Hmmn. That's not the vibe a person gets from the majority of music videos being released these days"

"Who is taking cues from music videos? Leave those people, they're just doing their own"

Mmesoma laughed, "So what are your own specs"

If ears could expand, Ayomi's ears would have. Mmesoma caught that Damian stole a quick glance at Ayomi.

"Honestly, you guys insult all the great men in the world by stereotyping us based on music videos and some obnoxious artistes. We're not all shallow and even across board, love is about the whole person. It's way more than the appearance. I won't talk to a lady's booty when I'm confused and scared. I won't trust your hips to nurse me back to health. You know, it's way more than that. It's about a connection and many times, what you thought were your specs disappear when you meet someone that gets you."

"True, that's so true."

"And one thing I know is, my life is mine and after God, I'm priority. My purpose, my dreams are priority. I won't bend, struggle or torture myself so that you can be pleased with me. That would be disrespectful to all that I am, to all the potential in me. Many ladies need to stop living for the approval of us, guys. Sometimes we're not even looking at you and you want to kill yourself for us. Just be you, the man that's for you will love you like that. And the truth is, it's the man that loves you that you actually want. Any other guy will just be waka pass and your heart doesn't need waka pass kind of attention."

"It's not always that easy" Ayomi finally said, with her eyes still closed.

"You're absolutely correct" Damian replied, looking at her. She felt his eyes on her but kept her eyes closed. Lucy adjusted on Ayomi's lap, she had surprisingly slept off on her chest.

Mmesoma wished she could capture the moment on camera. If only Ayomi could see the way Damian looked at her.

Ayomi thought of Charlotte and what Damian said, "Is it really not important how I look?"

She wondered how she would face Mmesoma again.

"What's happening to me? Why am I crumbling like this?" she sighed.

PART THREE

The next morning, Ayomi was up by 4 a.m. Pastor Nikki's words, Tammy's words, Tolu's words and Damian's words kept replaying in her mind.

"Your God answers your prayers, Pastor Nikki" Ayomi said to herself as she sat on her bed "I haven't been able to forget your words."

She stood up and tried on the gown she had planned to wear. Without her 'high waist tummy padded butt lift' underwear, the expensive body shaper she had bought, the dress did not sit well. She opted for a pair of Jeans and a shirt and decided to wear one of her smaller push up bras without the extra silicone pads. She felt too tired to put on her full armor.

"I see you're changing" she said to herself, as she stepped into the bathroom after deciding what to wear.

She sat in front of her mirror in her towel and struggled on whether or not to use makeup.

"When it's not an addiction" she said to herself "Ayomi, you can't go one day without a full face beat?"

"I can't!" she screamed inside but did not start applying her products. Instead she went back to sit on the bed.

"To what end is all this?" she asked aloud "Do I really need all this?"

A picture of herself in primary 1 flashed across her mind. They had been preparing for inter-house sports and she had won the practice 50m dash. She remembered the day clearly. The teacher in charge of blue house had lifted her and declared she was the winner. He had tickled her a little. It was that smiling face and her laughter from a place of reckless abandon that she remembered. She was such a happy child.

"When did you start believing you weren't good enough, Ayomi? When did you start thinking you had to cover up, you had to hide?" she thought and stretched herself out on the bed.

"I want to be free again. I want to be free"

Her ringing phone woke her up about an hour later, it was 5:50 a.m. The caller was the lady she bought her body improvement products from.

"Hi Ayomi"

"Hello Tracy" she yawned

"Did I wake you?"

"Yes and no. I was up before"

"Sorry if I disturbed you. I wanted to find out if the products are working well"

Ayomi stretched out her hand, 'what am I going to do about bleaching?' she thought.

"Yeah" she answered

"Oh good, that's nice to know. This girl from your set, Sade, has been blowing up my phone. Apparently, she's been getting very dizzy and tired. She has irritations and swelling on her face and tummy, and she's convinced it's because of my product. She must be using another product with it or something. Am I the one that sent her to bleach? She should have understood what she was getting into."

Ayomi's eyes focused on the bottle with the cream on her dressing table, mouth agape. Swelling ke? Upon bleaching? She had heard of side effects before but had assumed they were limited to dark spots and red patches.

"That even reminds me, I got some drugs that increase ehm, butt size and breast size. They are very good and they work fast. Also, there are no side effects"

"Alakoba! (One that puts another in trouble)" Ayomi wanted to shout but kept quiet.

"They are pricey because they are better than those 100 naira things street girls use but I assure you that you won't regret it. It's not the regular yodi pill, trust me."

"I'm usually skeptical about things that have to be used internally."

"I understand but just consider it. I'll send you before and after pictures of some of my clients. Have you heard of botcho cream? Also, I have a friend that runs this fitness place, they can put you on a bulking diet, your hips will increase so fast"

"Tracy, what happens when a person stops bleaching?" Ayomi asked, ending the talk about body enhancement drugs and butt enlargement.

"Hmmn" she paused "Well, I don't really know o but I heard about something called ochronosis, though I think it's rare. Some people have dark spots, red patches, body odour. Then maybe you can't walk in the sun anymore. Honestly, I don't know but I'm sure the person would go back to being dark. It may also depend on the product. If the person has been using a good product, I guess the effects might not be terrible. Anyway, such a person should probably see a dermatologist sha, maybe they can prescribe something. Are you thinking of stopping?"

"Yeah, I don't know. Maybe." It had occurred to her as they talked that it was probably time to try to let it go. She was not confident yet or even sure she would follow through, but baby steps were still steps.

"Why now? Don't o. You've been using them for a while. You won't be able to go back to the way your skin was before and you won't stay fair like you are now either. I think it's risky."

"Why didn't you say that before you started collecting my money?!" she thought "And I'm not that fair sef"

"Thanks Tracy. I was just thinking aloud." she said instead "Have a good day"

"Anytime. I'll send the before and after pictures for those drugs on WhatsApp"

"Don't worry Tracy, I don't want them"

"Okay. Bye"

"No makeup today!" she shouted and got dressed before she could change her mind.

*****

"Are you sure you're feeling fine?" Andy asked for the third time that day. Several people, even Tammy, had asked the same question. She knew it was because she had no makeup on. She had never come to work without her face fully done. Without the makeup, her black spots, pimples, wide nose, to name a few, were out in the open for all to see.

"Baby steps" she murmured to herself.

"I will not cry, I will stay strong. I won't use the makeup bag inside my drawer" she charged herself inwardly.

"Yes Andy, I'm fine" she replied.

"Okay o, I just wanted to be sure. You look tired and it seems you've even lost weight"

"I'm trying to transition"

"From what to what?"

She just smiled, "From fake to real" she thought.

Her face was turned to Andy so she did not notice when Damian walked up to her cubicle. He covered her eyes with his palms.

"Hi Damian" Andy said

"This guy!" Damian said and they all laughed.

"You look different" he said, when she turned. "Cool"

She laughed nervously, "I don't look sick?"

"Are you?" he covered his mouth with his palms, "I'm so sorry, was that why you were so quiet yesterday?"

"I'm fine jorh" she answered

"Don't be joking like that now"

"Sorry sir"

"I got the role"

"I know" she smiled with the left side of her mouth "Tammy has been passing your file to me, you're kinda my client"

"Haha. Awesome"

Andy walked past them with a smile on his face.

"Why was everyone always smiling when they saw them together?" Ayomi wondered. She thought of Tolu, a part of her ached but she was certain she was better with him out of her life.

"Look at you. It's because you're fantasizing about Damian" she almost screamed at her own thoughts. She convinced herself that they were not true though she knew that Damian being around had probably helped. He seemed like a nice guy and she believed him when he said appearances were not everything. That was the kind of guy she needed, the kind she wanted.

"So you're just going to jump from pillar to post?" she thought "No, no. I ended things with Tolu for me, for my sanity" Somehow, she found it hard to believe her own thoughts.

"Want to practice some lines. I have a full script" Damian smiled.

"Sounds like fun"

"Our restaurant?" He looked at her feet, she had flats on

"Yeah, I can walk a mile in these"

"Then we can try another restaurant"

"I didn't mean that literally o"

He laughed, "Good to go?"

"One more minute till break time"

"Hardworking Nigerian youth"

"Na so" she smiled "How's your co-star?"

"She's amazing" he replied enthusiastically. When she asked, she had hoped for a different response "She's excited! She called me with the news herself. I think she's one of the producers. Ayomi, I haven't met someone as talented as her in a while. She's a ball of energy, like she infects everybody with her passion. I had so much fun the time we went out. We're supposed to hang out tomorrow. Chemistry boosting for the scenes we'll be shooting soon. Though I doubt we even need boosting."

"Doesn't she want to practice lines?" Ayomi asked before she could stop herself. Why was he so excited about the lady?

"I didn't ask her. That's our thing jare"

Ayomi forced a smile, "Friend o, you're just a friend o" she sang in her mind. He was clearly intrigued by his co-star, if not love-struck.

"You see, why breaking up with Tolu had to be for you, not him? He doesn't see you that way" she thought.

"Ayomi!" she heard Tammy call

"Please give me a minute"

She entered Tammy's office.

"What are you doing tomorrow evening?"

"Uhm, nothing really"

"Oh thank God. We have a ladies' book club with Pastor Nikki and we are planning this outreach to an orphanage close to Canaan Home. We want to talk to the young girls there and maybe dress them up for a photo shoot; we could really use your makeup skills."

"Oh that sounds fantastic, it would be my pleasure"

"Thank you so much"

"No problem at all."

"Please tell Andy not to forget my smoothie today" Tammy smiled, "And say hi to Damian"

"Okay ma'am" she smiled, playing along.

She stepped out of the office and shook her head. "These people must think we're dating. They don't know anything. But even if, is that how people just meet and start dating?" Ayomi continued her internal conversation till she left the building with Damian.

A car that had the song, 'Girl like you' by Maroon 5 booming sped past them.

Damian started singing as they walked "Girls like you run around with guys like me 'til sundown, when I come through I need a girl like you, yeah yeah"

"Girls like you love fun, yeah me too." Ayomi joined in "What I want when I come through I need a girl like you, yeah yeah. Yeah yeah yeah, yeah yeah yeah, I need a girl like you, yeah yeah" She stopped when she realized Damian had stopped singing and was watching her.

"Woo! Woooo!" he whistled "You've got a great set of pipes. Wow"

"How come you never sing? Singers are usually well-known for showing off"

She smiled and shrugged, "I don't sing that much"

"You should."

"Maybe I will" She smiled, she was really transitioning.

*****

Ayomi was close to tears by the time she was done making up the last girl on her queue, Peace. She had arrived there at 5:20 p.m with Tammy which was about 3 hours after the ladies had started the outreach. She was one of five makeup artistes that showed up for the outreach. The home, Mercy of God missions, had 15 teenage girls but the matrons had invited about 20 more from other orphanages including Canaan Home. The members of Pastor Nikki's book club had brought several pretty dinner dresses and matched every girl to one. The transformation had been too overwhelming for Ayomi, she kept fighting back tears.

Mmesoma was already there when she got to the venue and was helping with the styling. She noticed Charlotte was also busy, Mmesoma had invited her and Abdul had sent snacks. Damian could not make the program because he had gone out with his 'energetic co-star'. Ayomi decided she would not let that dampen her mood, the girls were way more important than a silly crush.

To her surprise, Ezinne and PV had also shown up. It turned out they were children of one of the associate pastors in the church like Mmesoma and her childhood friends. They assisted in the teens' department at the church which was probably why Ayomi had not seen them during the Wednesday services. Mmesoma had joked that Ezinne needed some more "salvation". In her words, the girl still had one leg out of the 'body of Christ'

Ezinne helped with styling the girls' hair and made them laugh. PV was one of the two photographers that were around.

"Ayomi, you're so good. I'm still surprised that you have no formal training" Ezinne commented as she placed the wig on Peace's head, she had braided her natural hair into cornrows earlier.

"Thank you" Ayomi smiled. Ezinne was indeed a pleasant person and she felt stupid for hating her initially. They even got along well.

"In comes number two, the one they call my rival; competition

Is she prettier than me? Hotter than me? Built better than me?

Was she better at it?

Heck no, I'm done now!"

Ayomi remembered lines from Mma's poem and mentally shouted "I need to be done too! I can't be hating on other girls" A picture of Lisa flashed across her mind, she had still not called back.

When Ezinne was done, they moved to the makeshift studio that had been set up in one of the home's larger sitting rooms. PV took the studio portrait shots while the other photographer, Fejiro, took outdoor shots. PV was showing one of the girls her picture on his camera when they got to him. Ayomi saw the girl's eyes widen and then a tear drop.

"I am so fine" the girl said then covered her mouth.

PV smiled, "Even without all the glam, you are beautiful. You are God's precious daughter"

A tear rolled down Ayomi's cheek. She heard Ezinne sniffing.

They were done with all the pictures by 7 pm and moved to the home's chapel. The hall had been decorated by the church's decoration unit. Ayomi was so impressed. She ended up beside Pastor Nikki who had spent most of the time supervising the decoration unit and talking to matrons. She had turned to call Mmesoma when she realized Pastor Nikki was next to her. She never thought she could be star-struck because of a Pastor, but there she was in awe. Pastor Nikki looked just as good close up. Ayomi noted that the highlights on her hair were actually wine.

"So cool" she thought.

"Such beautiful girls. No competition" Pastor Nikki said. "These ones will change the world" Ayomi nodded fervently. She was tempted to throw her arms around her but she did not think it would be appropriate. She had noticed some police officers and bodyguards outside the home, she did not want to be bundled out of the place for invading Pastor Nikki's personal space.

"You're not forsaken, you belong to me, you belong to me and I'm here for you" Glory sang. She was one of the members of Jubal and they had met while they dressed the girls up. Pastor Nikki walked to the front of the room and took over from Glory.

"God specializes in giving beauty for ashes. He fills you with light, life, radiance that no one can explain. We just came to sort of depict what God does but trust me daughters, what we've done today is nothing compared to what Jesus can do for you. It doesn't matter where you came from, what you've experienced, God turns things around excellently."

"Psalm 27:10 says when my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. My father and mother walked out and left me, but God took me in and made me His." Ayomi burst into tears. She knew she could not fully understand what the precious girls in the room were facing but something about the verse resonated with her. She had felt abandoned by her parents all her life and Pastor Nikki's God was offering to take her in and give her a new identity. She did not know what exactly she needed or how she could be free again but something told her it was safer to try with Mmesoma's God. She kept crying, uncontrollably, surprising even herself.

"Our only access to God is Jesus, His Son. Jesus said He is the Way, the Truth and the Life. If you want God in your life, you have to believe in the work Jesus did. God is a holy God and we, we are sinners. Jesus' blood cleanses us of those sins and makes us accepted by God. Jesus stepped down from His throne and suffered a terrible death to pay the price for us so we wouldn't have to because we really can't pay the price. It's all been paid for, now you have to walk into it. He loves you so much, He died for you." Ayomi realized that if she wanted God, she had to give her life to Jesus.

"I'm in God, I'm in. I don't get it. I don't even understand what's going on or what I'm doing but I'm in" she said

"It's of faith" she heard Pastor Nikki say and stepped out when she made the altar call. Mmesoma was assisting as one of the ushers. When she saw Ayomi, she hugged her and started crying too.

"Lord Jesus, thank You for reaching out to me and drawing me to Yourself. For too long I have kept You out of my life. I know that I am a sinner and that I cannot save myself. No longer will I close the door when I hear You knocking. By faith I gratefully receive Your gift of salvation. I am ready to trust You as my Lord and Saviour. Thank You Lord Jesus, for coming to earth. I believe You are the Son of God who died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead on the third day. Thank You for bearing my sins and giving me the gift of eternal life. I believe Your words are true. Come into my heart, Lord Jesus and be my Saviour. Amen."

*****

Wednesday service had never felt better. Ayomi was excited to be saved and Mmesoma was probably even more excited. Tammy, Sola and John had been welcoming her to the family all day; it felt so good. They were still on the identity series and Pastor Nikki's first daughter; Dr. P was teaching.

"What is at stake is purpose. Your identity is not just about you. What you believe about yourself affects what you will be confident to do. You serve people from a place of wholeness, there's really no other way. A secure identity is the springboard from which you can passionately pursue purpose. The enemy knows that if he can get you caught up in who you are not, what you don't have, you won't go after what God has called you to. If you're insecure, you'll doubt His calling, your gifting, everything. When you're so focused on yourself, you don't see all the people around you that you're supposed to bless. It's about purpose, it's about destiny."

"My mum regularly talks about the first couple of years after she and dad got married and started the church. She was all in but she had one line she wouldn't cross. She would not preach to the church. She could go with him on evangelism but she would not stand up in the congregation to share anything. Initially, it was alright but as the church grew and the population of women increased, it became obvious that she had to step out of the shadows. Thankfully, there was no YouTube or Instagram then, because they would have made matters much worse. She said they would go to other meetings and she would just stare at the wives of the other pastors. Slender, reserved women that had spent all their lives in church. Many of them were wonderful singers who could lead worship before their husbands preached. She didn't feel qualified to be a pastor's wife and my dad was now talking about her taking it a step further; becoming one of the few women that also preached. After she had my brother, her size was no longer a problem but she still would not step out. God had to teach her that it was not about her, it was about the women He had anointed her gift to bless. She had to stop looking at what all the other women were doing. She had to let God flow through her. How many of us are like that? We would not share our gifts because we feel we don't measure up, we're not good enough. We just stand back, watching other ladies, envying them and comparing ourselves to them instead of letting God use us. You open your mouth to sing and then you hear someone else singing so you stop because she sounds better. You are always checking to see if you are good enough, you don't care that God can empower you, that this is what He had called you to do. Rather, you deprive everyone of your gift."

Ayomi thought of her talents; her singing, her drawing. She had done nothing with them for years. In her heart, she knew she would give anything to sing. That had to be her purpose. She had all these songs she had written about her pain and feeling all alone, something always told her it could be a blessing to other girls that felt the same way but she had never dwelt on the idea. She could not imagine standing in front of people and opening her gift up to possible criticism. People would judge her appearance, call her fake like they called practically every female star that did anything to her body like they were not also guilty in their own way. They would find pictures of her without makeup and call her ugly. Those were the positive scenarios. What if she was not even talented like she thought? What if her songs were trash and she ended up failing?

She sighed and paid attention to what Dr. P was saying.

"We're going to take a short break here to listen to Aunt Christy's testimony. For those of us that have been in this church for years, you know Aunt Christy well, mama turkey wears. She is absolutely amazing and we love her so much. She's the head of the children's department but many times she facilitates on business matters. Most of the female entrepreneurs here have had to seek her counsel several times, she's such a gift to us but like she says, it wasn't always like that. This is her testimony, media team?" The media team played the recording

"Is it on?" A pretty woman with her hair packed in the low bun said, staring into the camera and all the ladies in the church laughed. There were streaks of grey in her hair and her brown glasses' frame sat delicately on the bridge of her nose. Ayomi noticed a small black dot on the upper part of her left cheek. Other than that she was slightly fair and altogether regal. She was the picture of wealth and class. She was in a simple, long sleeve purple blouse with frills. She was seated in the video so Ayomi could not see what she wore beneath it.

"Yes Aunty" someone replied in the recording and she smiled.

"Should I remove this?" she touched the frame of her glasses "I will remove it" she answered herself and the ladies laughed again. Ayomi smiled, there was something about the woman that was so endearing.

"My name is Christy Adunni Detun a.k.a Aunt Christy or Mama Turkey wears or Mummy C business and so on and so forth" Ayomi chuckled with the rest of the ladies "God has done me well ladies. When Pastor Nikki said we were going to do the identity series, I knew I had to share my testimony. I was born to a very poor family. I grew up in abject poverty. My mum sold pepper outside the market by the road, she could not get a stall and my father was a drunk. He would beat my mum to collect her money, beat my siblings and me if we got in the way. It was very tough. At about 10, I was taken to be a house-help, I didn't go to school for a long time.

Fortunately, when I moved to work for another family, pastors, the woman of the house sent me to school. It was difficult to work in the house and study but I was so grateful. I was about twelve and her daughter was around the same age. Of course, it was a school with a lower ranking but she let me join the private lessons they had for her daughter. She was their only child at the time, and she's literally my best friend in the world today. They were God's first miracle to me. The first family I had been with was so cruel to me" she wiped away a tear "I don't think they realized I was somebody's child" she chuckled but Ayomi heard the pain in the attempt at laughter

"All their children were teenagers so I was smaller than them yet I did everything. Remember, I was just 10. I had been scarred by the poverty, my father's drinking and violence but believe me, I longed to return home many times because being with that family was worse. I had spent probably about a month there when" she sniffed "the husband started coming into my room. I didn't know what to do, I was a child. Their eldest son too came some times. Ladies, they broke me. Haaa, they broke me. I would suffer that in the night and wake up to the wicked wife in the morning. She would flog me, curse me, name it.

I don't know if she knew or if her daughters knew about the abuse but nobody came to my rescue. Sadly, they went to church every Sunday, and now that I've been walking with the Lord for years, I am still amazed at how they could treat me like that and call themselves Christians. I spent close to two years in their house, they took me to church but never preached the word to me, even if they had, I know I wouldn't have listened. In their church, I had to sit with other maids not the children" she shook her head "They never talked about sending me to school or anything. My mum came once in a while but even as a child, I knew not to tell her what I was going through. She already had so much pain in her life. I wasn't sure how much money she collected because I was with that family but I took it as my sacrifice for our family.

She put up with my father because of me and my siblings so this was my payment. My elder brother was also a houseboy and my younger sister who stayed home with them hawked oranges, so I knew that this was just part of my cross, my contribution. I was prepared for the worst when I got to the second family but I was so delighted when they turned out to be God's blessings to me, Pastor and Pastor (Mrs) Komolafe." She was full on, crying

"They changed the entire trajectory of my life, God used them to change the entire trajectory of my life. I later learnt they didn't want to hire me because Pastor Komolafe said he would not be able to sleep at night with a young child, his daughter's age mate, working as his maid. They needed a maid desperately because of ministry work and Pastor (Mrs) Komolofe was expecting a baby after a delay of about 10 years yet he refused to hire me when I was offered to him by someone that knew my mother. Apparently, my mother had sensed something was wrong, she knew I should not be with that family. Pastor Komolafe refused but he slept that night and God told him to bring me home. I didn't hear that story till I was graduating university" she smiled. "They brought me home, gave me an education; they treated me well. I was with them for six years, all through secondary school. When they told me about Jesus, you can bet I answered them.

We would pray and study the Bible together. I got to eat what they ate. They bought me clothes, treated me like their child or close enough. You cannot understand how that felt, what that meant to a young girl like me that had been through so much. I got into a polytechnic and they sponsored me. Their daughter, Damilola schooled overseas so I was technically their only daughter at home. They would check up on me and their son, Iyanu thought I was actually his elder sister for a while. My family was still poor and I offered as much help as I could, but they gave me access to a better life. While at the polytechnic, I started doing business because I needed money. I would bake, cook, make hair; all the things I picked up while working for Mummy Komolafe and God would just grant me favour. Everything I made always got sold out. Gradually, I had more and more to send home. I didn't finish at the Polytechnic, I got admission to U.I where I studied English simply because I wanted to sound like Pastor Komolafe." She laughed, she had stopped crying

"I continued my businesses so I kept making money but I was never not in lack. Yes, I was sending money to my whole family and even extended family members who had heard I was in university but it was more than that. It was as if I could not keep money. Something in me fundamentally believed that I was poor, you know, so my circumstances just always realigned to poverty. But I did not realize that was the issue at the time."

"God speaks to me through dreams, and the first time I had one of such dreams was in my second year in the university. I saw myself in a big plaza and everybody was calling me Madam. I was so gorgeously dressed and I was laughing, I was happy. I saw my mother counting rolls of material, fabrics in one of the shops, my younger sister was sitting next to her. I heard my brother's voice though I didn't see him. It felt so real but when up I woke up, I shook it off because I didn't understand. Definitely there was no way I could own a plaza and have a booming business. You see when you grow up poor, it does something to you.

I believed that I deserved less than everyone around me, I was subservient, inferior. I didn't see all the gifts I had or the potential, no, I was still just a poor girl. Daddy and mummy Komolafe had given me so many opportunities yet in my mind, I was still the daughter of the pepper seller and the drunk. All I could see, even with my degree in view, was a pepper stall kind of success. Moreover, I had been abused. I was dirty, a toy, an object for someone else's fancy. I was a victim. Victims don't own things and have people call them madam. I shook it off immediately I woke up. I was so convinced that I had the stench of poverty and abuse on me therefore I knew there was no way the dream could pertain to me."

"I wish I could say I got over those feelings early but ladies, it took several years. I kept making money but it kept disappearing. There were many people I could not talk to because in my mind, I was still a maid, a house-help. I first met my husband in 200 level at U.I, he was wrapping off a medical degree and a friend had referred him to me for a birthday cake for his girlfriend. Oh, I liked him the moment I saw him but I knew who he was. He comes from an incredibly wealthy family so I knew it was like admiring a superstar, nothing could happen." The way she said it made the ladies laugh

"How would I fit into his circles? Stand beside his mother? People would even call me a gold-digger and I would agree because I didn't see myself as someone who had anything to offer. He came back several times after that first time to buy cake, or moin-moin or to get his sister's hair made; he just kept coming back. But I had already put him in his place, he was like my Oga's son, there was no way there and I didn't entertain thoughts of him. When about a year later, he came back to school to see me and started talking about a relationship, I politely declined. I could not even look him in the face. It took several years before we got married, before I agreed to even date him. He dated other people, came back many times but I was adamant, me, how now? How will I marry you? That was what I kept saying. We didn't get married till 10 years after he made the first proposal."

Ayomi gasped.

"God also had to wait a long while for me. I kept having those dreams. Today I would see a plaza, tomorrow a bakery, big things, big establishments but I could not accept them because I didn't think I was worthy"

"I joined a church when I turned 28, several years after I started having the dreams. My brother had started selling car parts mainly from money I sent him from my business. He had settled in another state so I moved to stay with him because I knew my business would be better there and he also wanted me to come. Everybody had sort of agreed that I had an anointing for business, everybody but me. Daddy and mummy Komolofe would ask if I wanted to be set up, Damilola would also ask but I could not see myself building an empire.

You don't understand, in my mind, I was nothing. I was at the lowest rank in life. I had been abused, a filthy old man had forced himself on me multiple times and threatened me. His son had also taken advantage of me. My will did not matter, my opinions, what I wanted did not matter. They had control, I didn't. They were superior, I wasn't. I had served people all my life. I bowed to people, bent for people because I was poor and I don't mean deferring to others from a place of humility. I had bowed even to unrealistic demands because I had no choice, I was a servant. I had said 'yes' to other people's wishes all my life. Nobody asked me what I wanted or what I needed or what I would like. My father was a drunk, my mother did odd jobs. We lived close to dirt in the middle of a market. Those are not qualities of someone who is anything. I was sure I was nothing."

Ayomi felt tears come to her eyes, it was the feeling she had at the orphanage the first time, all over again. In light of poverty and abuse, what were the issues that plagued her? They seemed tiny.

"But that's how I feel" she thought

"It's not all about you"

"Help me to get over these feelings, God" she said quietly, uttering what was her first personal prayer "help me to stop being so" she paused thinking about a word

"Selfish and Immature" she heard a whisper and knew those were the right words. She refused to say them and blinked back tears.

"So in this my new church, a very small church, the Pastor, Evangelist Clement, hardly preached anything but the Gospel. He was a missionary and he had just planted the church" Aunt Christy laughed "he was so stuck on the Gospel. He would be saying something, the next thing he would shouuut!" she shouted "We have been redeemed, praise the Lord! We are God's children, that's who we are now. It doesn't matter that I was beaten, I was battered, and I was broken before. Now, I am whole! Jesus became poor that I might be rich, I am rich! He died so I could be reconciled to God, I am accepted in the beloved! Oh I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I have the mind of Christ and I am walking in it. I knew those things, they were in the Bible but I had never heard them preached with such power and excitement. He was way ahead of many of the pastors in that day and was therefore very controversial in the area but God used him to change my thinking. The more I listened to him, the more I believed. I was transformed as my mind was being renewed. I gradually forgave that family and stopped seeing myself in light of the abuse I suffered at their hands. Money started staying in my hands, I started increasing. When the dreams came, I would say, God you can do that through me. I saw that God would give me beauty for ashes, a double portion for my years of trouble. When daddy and mummy Komolafe offered me money to expand my business, I collected it and God put a blessing on it.

The plaza exists today, the bakery exists today, the boutiques exist today. I am married to a wealthy man, a CMD today" she laughed "and our home is blessed. Combined we have about 700 people that work for us, not to mention our vendors and contractors. We have many scholarship programs, empowerment meetings that God champions through us. I wonder what would have happened if God did not fix my perception of myself. God used me to turn around the story of my family. My parents were so amazed at what God did in my life that they came to know Christ. My dad quit drinking and was sober for several years before he passed."

"So many destinies were tied to mine and I didn't even realize it. I thank God for Pastor Clement who has since left Nigeria to continue as a missionary and set up more churches all over the world. I thank God for Pastor and Pastor (Mrs) Komolafe, I thank God for Pastor Kola and Pastor Nikki who have continued cheering me on to greater heights and depths of understanding. I thank God for my husband and our children. I thank God for Jesus, for everything. I thank Him because He has made it so that only what He says about us matters and holds true."

Dr. P walked back up the altar.

"Aunt Christy" she called and the woman who had been in the recording, walked up the stage after her from one of the seats in the front row. All the ladies stood up and clapped as she climbed up the stage.

"There are so many destinies tied to mine?" Ayomi had hardly ever thought of it that way before.

*****

"I am among the chosen ones who received the call to belong to Jesus, the Anointed One." Ayomi said as she buttoned her shirt on Friday morning. She was still sticking to shirts and pants. She had been playing the recording of Pastor Nikki reciting verses non-stop and was finally memorizing the words.

"Long before He laid down earth's foundations, He had me in mind, had settled on me as the focus of His love." She paused when she did not know the lines and spoke when she did.

"I am God's cultivated field, His garden, His Vineyard, God's building. I am His workmanship, His own master work, His work of art, His masterpiece. I have become His poetry. God shaped me first inside, then out; He formed me in my mother's womb" she raised her pitch just like Pastor Nikki did in the recording.

"I thank You, High God - You're breathtaking! Body and soul, I am marvelously made! I will praise Thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I belong to Christ; and Christ belongs to God. I am a unique and vital part of Christ's body. I am God's chosen treasure, He claims me as His very own." She paused "I am drenched with God's mercy!"

She finished buttoning her shirt and started dancing around the room "I want to believe! I want to believe!" she joined the recording again "I am so thrilling to God. To gaze upon me is like looking at one of Pharaoh's finest horses - a strong, regal steed pulling his royal chariot. My tender cheeks are aglow. God enhances my beauty, encircling me with His golden arms of love. I am marked with His redeeming grace."

"Free of charge!" she added. She had stopped dancing and was packing her bag

"Every part of me is so beautiful, God's darling. Perfect is my beauty, without flaw within. I am all fair, God's love, there is no spot in me."

"Dark am I, yet lovely!" she shouted.

"He is within me - I am His garden of delight. I have Him fully and now He fully has me! More pleasing than any pleasure, more delightful than any delight. Unrivaled in beauty, without equal, beyond compare, the perfect one, the favourite one. Redeeming love crowns me as royalty. Even a king is held captive by my beauty. My thoughts are full of life, wisdom and virtue. How delicious is my fair beauty; it cannot be described."

Immediately the recording ended, she picked up her phone and called her mum.

"Mo ti sọpé mi ò ní pè ẹ́ (I said I won't call you). Since you left close to a month ago, you didn't think it necessary to call me. You were now sending your brother"

"I'm sorry ma"

"I have done what I can do. God knows I have tried my best." Her mum continued

Ayomi imagined explaining to her mum that she had in fact done nothing; nothing but mess her up.

"You made me feel worthless mum. You made me feel like I didn't matter" she pictured herself saying "I grew up feeling less than Lisa. I felt ugly mum, which was why I tried bleaching. Dad would take out so much time to talk to Lisa. You would take out so much time to love on Lisa. But what about me? You never did anything special with or for me."

"What are you saying? Are you a child? Do you think you're in America? Onísọkúsọ (one who says nonsense)" She knew her mum would answer "You had food, shelter, clothes, and education. You better be grateful and stop this silly whining"

The precision of her imagination made her smile sadly. She was sure that was exactly how the conversation would go. Psychotherapy was not something most Nigerian parents had time for.

"I'm just going to have to keep talking to You, Jesus. Can I do that?" How did being a Christian work? "With mum, I'm wearing my big-girl pants." She thought and felt at peace with it. God would comfort her, like He had comforted Pastor Nikki and Aunty Christy.

"I'm very sorry mummy." She finally said.

Her mum was silent for a while before responding, mainly due to surprise. It was one of the few times she had heard sincerity in Ayomi's apology.

"It's okay. How are you? How is the work?"

"I'm fine ma. Work has been good."

"How is John? Sola nko ati Tobi (What of Sola and Tobi)?"

"They are fine ma. Tobi is fine too. He's sitting, he's even trying to crawl these days"

"That's good o; very early"

"Yes ma. He gets a bit down sometimes"

"Eyin lo ma je (it must be because he's teething). It's good to know that you're all fine. I will send some things through Kazeem, the transporter we use. O ye kaa dupe (we ought to give thanks), they've been good to you."

"Yes ma"

"Hold on for your dad"

"Good morning Ayo, I hope you're fine" her dad came on, almost immediately

"Good morning Dad. Yes sir."

"Work?"

"Good too. That's nice to know. Be good."

"Thank you sir" she paused "How has your health been dad?"

She could picture the shock on his face. He never used to say much to her so she had grown the habit of saying barely anything to him too. The fact that she had elongated what was their usual two-sentence conversation was shocking.

"I've been fine" he paused then added "My dear"

Ayomi could have cried, "Who am I? Where did this maturity come from and did my dad just call me 'his dear'?" she questioned, inwardly

"Thank you. We should talk more often"

"Yes daddy"

"Ok o, Ayomi. Call more often" her mum was back on the line.

"Yes ma"

"O da bo (Bye/till next time/till you come back)"

"Bye ma"

She dropped the phone.

"I'm so proud of you" she said to herself then stopped, "No, I think this is the kind of thing they say praise the Lord over"

"Praise the Lord" she called

"Hallelujah!" she laughed, picked up her bag and walked out, feeling on top of the world.

*****

The moment she was seated in her chair at work, she thought of Lisa and decided to call her too. It was her 'making peace' day.

"Hi Ayomiposi" Lisa called her full name.

"I'm sorry Lisa. I'm so sorry. I was jealous and petty and stupid."

There was silence for a bit "Ayomi, you're my sister. I can't stay mad at you."

"You're so much better than me"

"You said it"

Ayomi chuckled and almost cried out of relief.

"Why have I been crying so much?" she wondered.

"Ray told me about Tonye. Are you sure?" she asked, when the conversation lulled

"I'm not but I don't care. He's the last thing on my mind"

"Did I hear that right?"

"You did."

"Lisa, what's wrong? You don't have to form with me, is it this your feminism thing? I know you, you bother when he goes on a trip and you expect me to believe you're not bothered when he might be cheating?"

"I'm pregnant Ayomi"

"So you can't leave him, I under-"

Lisa cut in, "No, no. I'm pregnant Ayomi, I might die soon"

"Excuse me?! Where did that come from? What kind of off tangent thinking is that?"

"My mum fell mysteriously ill after she had me. That can happen to me"

"Is this what you've been thinking? Ha! As a man thinketh, so is he" Ayomi repeated what Mmesoma had said when she had her emotional crisis

"If I remember correctly, your mum passed after the wedding. She was fine after she had you."

"I don't know Ayomi, I'm so scared."

"You won't die. I'll carry your baby like I carry Tobi and you'll be right there too in Jesus' Name"

"Amen" Lisa answered

"It's a lie of the devil." She said, parroting Mmesoma's lines "We'll take all the medical precautions and trust God. We'll pray."

"Yeah I guess so." Lisa paused, slightly confused "When did you get so churchy?"

She took a deep breath and replied solemnly "I'm born again now."

"Born again? You're a Christian? You left home barely a month ago."

"I know. I don't even know how it happened. Half of the time, I don't even know what I'm doing but I think it's helping me. I've been feeling better and happier"

"I see." Lisa paused, then added "You know me, I'm indifferent. As long as it makes you happy, I'm down. But dad will so freak out"

She laughed "so freak out! I can't wait"

Ayomi laughed too, "Me too. He'll finally be concerned about me"

"Ayomi"

"I'm messing around, it's okay. Please Lisa, stop thinking those negative thoughts."

"I'll try. I think I can get behind this born-again Ayomi. She seems nicer, I like her"

Ayomi laughed, "You're the best"

"I love you too, more than you can imagine." Lisa replied.

*****

"Aunty what church do you attend?" the cabman asked Ayomi, it was the first time she had taken a cab home in a while. Tammy had travelled, Andy was busy and Damian did not come to the office because he was on set for one of the movies. She noticed that the cabman had been checking her out since she entered his car. The last of the other passengers in the cab had just dropped and they were finally alone.

"You must be a good Christian"

"But why are guys so confident? What nonsense is this? See this guy o" she thought

She smiled but did not reply.

"Are you engaged?" It took everything in her to keep her face blank.

"Pardon?" she screamed inwardly

"I like you o. You're not like all those girls that always paint their faces. You're natural, I like natural girls" All her anger dissipated and she burst into laughter. He had no idea, natural? Na so. He looked taken aback by her laughter initially but forged ahead, assuming that her laughter was green light.

"I'm serious. No long eyelashes like witch's own or long nails like devil"

"Let me show you my pictures, my black spots, the blemishes on my skin due to bleaching. I'm on my way back to dark skin. This guy, you have no idea" she thought but did not say.

"Drop" she said and he stopped. She handed him the bill and he collected it.

"So you couldn't say I should not bother"

"Ha, aunty it's not like that. Can I have your number?"

She laughed "No you can't. I'm a makeup artist, I'm not your type" she replied and walked into the estate, still laughing.

"Why did I even answer?" she asked aloud.

When she walked into the compound, she saw Tolu standing by his car.

"Hi" he said

"Hi" she was surprised to see him.

"I'm sorry for how we ended things, for the things I said." He said after they had stared at each other in uncomfortable silence for over a minute.

"It's fine. You were right, Tolu."

"You look" he paused "different"

She smiled, "I'll take that."

"How has work been?" He asked

"Fine. Yours?"

"Alright." There was silence again "I can't believe it's been just a week; I have missed you terribly"

"Is he trying to get me back? He wants me back?" she wondered

"We used to talk once every other week, I find it hard to believe you've missed me"

"I knew you were there, now you're not."

"Did PV tell you I ran into him and Ezinne? They're really cool" she said, intentionally changing the topic

"No" he paused "Ayomi"

"No Tolu. It's too early to go back." She changed the topic again "I just gave my life to Christ"

When she had mentioned to Mmesoma how easily she interjected that into every conversation, she had laughed and called it "Newly saved ginger"

"By God's grace, you will maintain it" she had prayed. Strangely, Ayomi hoped so too.

Tolu was not pleased that she had changed the topic but he went along with, "That's nice. My mum is a deaconess"

"Cool" Ayomi replied, wondering what difference the piece of information was supposed to make. Did that mean he was a Christian too? Her maternal grandparents had been elders in the church and her mum was not born-again.

"Can I come in?"

"My cousin is around"

Tolu looked disappointed, "Ayomi"

"Tolu, you're a great guy but I'm still getting my act together. I don't even know what I'm going to end up looking like" She said, referring to the skin change that was bound to happen since she had stopped using her creams. Tolu looked confused. She made a mental note to remind Sola and Tammy; they had promised to get her in contact with some good dermatologists in town.

"My life is changing rapidly. I don't know what's going on. Don't get me wrong, I like it but I'm just trying not to be overwhelmed, you know. We have so much history, there's so much pain here. I can't risk destroying this new life I'm starting to build. I think I can only do friendship for now"

"I'll take it" they hugged and she watched him drive off.

*****

With Lisa on her mind, Ayomi joined John and Sola for their extensive Saturday morning prayer and Bible study; and when they invited her to church, she said yes. Mmesoma was so excited to see her in church on Sunday that she cried a little. It seemed there were tear-stimulants in the air.

"That's Pastor Kola, Pastor Nikki's husband" she whispered when they were seated for the teaching after worship.

Ayomi could see why Pastor Nikki was worried about the other girls; Pastor Kola was a fine man. Damian's face came up in her mind and she shook her head. She was still yet to have the personal discussion about Damian.

"You're just somehow. Weren't you just telling Tolu you can't do more than friendship right now?" she questioned herself inwardly before focusing on what Pastor Kola was teaching.

"Some people think that the Word of God is like any other book, they feel that when you're quoting scriptures you could as well be reciting rhymes" Pastor Kola said "but they're so far from the truth. We know Joshua 1:8, I'll read it in the message translation. It says, and don't for a minute let this book of The Revelation be out of mind. Ponder and meditate on it day and night, making sure you practice everything written in it. Then you'll get where you're going; then you'll succeed. The King James Version says the Book of the Law shall not depart out of thy mouth. So we're supposed to keep saying and thinking the Word of God but you can't fully appreciate something if you don't understand its power. The Word of God is not just English, it's power; He's power. The worlds were framed by the Word of God. By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's Word, what we see created by what we don't see. The universe was created and beautifully coordinated by the power of God's Words! He spoke and the invisible realm gave birth to all that is seen. That's the power of the good Word of God.

You are blessed when you hear the Word of God, and keep it. He called them gods, unto whom the Word of God came. There's something about the Word of God. 1 Peter 1 verse 23 makes us understand that we have been born again through the eternal and living word of God. Our old birth came from mortal sperm but our new birth comes from God's living Word. The Word of God conceived the new life in us. Like Jesus said we, man shall not live by bread alone but by every Word of God."

"The enemy understands this so he tries to weaken our understanding of the Word of God. He tries to steal it from our hearts or tries to make us doubt that it's anything special. We know from the parable of the sower that the Word of God is the seed that is sown into hearts. God's Word is an indispensable weapon, the Word of God is the Sword of the Spirit. The Word of the Lord endures forever! It is the "seed" that God planted within us and it can never be destroyed but will live and grow inside of us forever. The grass withereth, the flower fadeth: but the Word of our God shall stand for ever.

This is the power of the Word of God. The Word transforms us. Hebrews 4 verse 12 says God means what He says. What He says goes. His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon's scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God's Word. We can't get away from it - no matter what. Our lives gradually become brighter and more beautiful as we behold Jesus, the Word. The Word of God is not motivation, He's truth and power. As you hear the Word of God from now on, don't treat it like mere prose, mere English. What the Word says always comes to pass. The Word is a creative force. The Word performs that which it was sent to do and prospers in it, it never returns void."

"Apostle Paul in praying for the church in Thessalonica said, for this cause also we thank God without ceasing, because, when ye received the word of God which ye heard of us, ye received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which effectually worketh also in you that believe. You embraced it not as the fabrication of men but as the Word of God; you didn't pass it off as just one more human opinion. And the word continues to be an energizing force in you who believe. I pray that this becomes true of us too in Jesus' Name. The Word isn't just something you hear and move on, the Word alters your trajectory, transforms your world. Begin to believe for that. When you quote scriptures, expect something to happen."

*****

"That was a very good message" Ayomi said to Mmesoma as they walked into a restaurant some hours later. She had to wait for John, Sola and Mmesoma to finish their workers' meeting and they decided to compensate her with lunch.

"There were a lot of verses but I think I got the point."

Mmesoma smiled "Yeah, you've been missing"

"I agree" she paused "But is this how I'll be waiting for you guys to finish all your meetings?"

John laughed, "Pele" They got seated.

"You should start believers' foundation class soon though" Sola offered

"What's that?"

"It's grooming. Have you had any moment like how does this even work?"

"Yes!" Ayomi answered immediately then covered her face

Sola laughed, "Exactly, it's like that for everybody. The foundation classes help to answer questions like that and meet people who would support as you grow."

"Then I'm looking forward to it." Her phone beeped, it was a text from Damian. Mmesoma noticed.

"Hmm!" Mmesoma grinned "Damian, Damian"

That got the attention of everyone on the table and as usual, everyone smiled.

"What's up with this Damian o? What's the deal?" Mmesoma asked

"Nothing" she looked away, smiling

"I thought you said she was with a Tolu" John faced his wife who had started breastfeeding Tobi. She adjusted her shawl and then tapped John playfully.

"She broke up with him jorh, keep up"

Ayomi opened her mouth widely, "How did you know that? Is my gist on the streets?"

"On the streets noni" John laughed.

"Are we late? I invited Debbie and Dapo, they're on their way" Tammy called out, walking towards them. Ade was right behind her.

"When did you get back?" She bent to give Sola a side hug. John nodded at Ade.

"Yesterday evening. Mr Tobi, well done o. You won't even greet me" Ade pulled out a seat for her "Thanks dear"

"We went to Ade's parents' church. They're around" she paused then started fanning herself with her left hand dramatically.

Sola's jaw almost hit the floor, "Is that an engagement ring?! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!"

"Ade my guy!" John shouted

Ayomi had never been happier!

*****

The next day, the office was abuzz with news of the engagement thanks to Andy who had noticed the ring. Ayomi was on cloud 9. Tammy's joy was her joy and it fit right in with the excitement she had been feeling. Life was good.

"Dark am I, yet lovely" every now and then, she would remember something from the recording and repeat it under her breath. Like Pastor Kola had said, it was not motivation, it was truth and it had power to create things out of nothing.

She wondered how "You're fair" was a compliment while "you're dark" seemed like an insult.

"Well not to me anymore. I am dark and lovely." She affirmed

"It's the truth, it's power" she added out loud then covered her mouth. She laughed at herself. It was like she was in a world of her own.

"What's funny?" Andy asked

"Life is good"

He smiled, "Tell me about it. We're all high on Tammy's news"

She nodded, "And some other things"

He laughed, "In other news, you're glowing!"

"Thanks Andy"

He winked and walked away.

"Body and soul. I am marvelously made! Long before He laid down earth's foundations, He had me in mind, had settled on me as the focus of His love. I am God's cultivated field, His garden, His Vineyard, God's building. I am His workmanship, His own master work, His work of art, His masterpiece. I have become His poetry. I am a unique and vital part of Christ's body. He is within me - I am His garden of delight. Redeeming love crowns me as royalty. Even a king is held captive by my beauty. I am so thrilling to God. To gaze upon me is like looking at one of Pharaoh's finest horses. God enhances my beauty, encircling me with His golden arms of love. I am marked with His redeeming grace. Every part of me is so beautiful, God's darling." She recited, walking to Tammy's office.

She knocked.

"Come in"

"Hey Tammy"

"Hiya"

"You're glowing, or maybe it's the reflection of the ring"

Tammy laughed, "Thank you either way"

"Uhm, I came to remind you about the dermatologist's number"

"Oh yeah, I'm working on it. I got one but it's a guy, I'm hopeful I can get a lady. I feel talking to another lady might be more comfortable. Moreover, my immediate contacts are all these big girls that work with some of our artistes, I don't trust them."

Ayomi chuckled, "Thanks Tammy" she turned towards the door.

"Is that all? Was that why you came?"

She had got up from her seat because a strange confidence had descended on her. She had purposed in her heart to tell Tammy that she could sing, she wrote songs and she wanted to give it a try. The confidence that had pushed her out of her seat seemed to have disappeared. She had given some thought to Dr. P and Aunty Christy's teaching, what would happen to those destinies if she kept hiding her gift?

"You're just taking this church thing hook, line and sinker" she thought and replied herself inwardly "Yes I am! It's changing my life."

"What is it, Ayomi?" Tammy asked

"I sing" she blurted out

"You do?"

"Yes"

"I am thrilling to God. I am His masterpiece" she recited inwardly. Her confidence rose a little "I have nothing to lose. I have an identity that's free of charge. Jesus already paid, I'm already worth so much. My identity is not dependent on this. I'm not on trial, I am not about to be graded. My worth is not about to be scored or determined. I'm already worth the blood of Jesus" I need to believe this.

"Go on" Tammy urged. She stood up, walked towards the door and shut it "Sing me something, anything"

She stayed quiet.

"You're such a wonderful girl or should I say lady" Tammy said, after a while and Ayomi felt tears coming up, as usual "You're brilliant, talented, and special. Not to sound proud or anything but you remind me so much of myself"

Ayomi wanted to throw her arms around Tammy, she had no idea how much those words meant to her.

"Stop stopping yourself. Stop holding yourself back, you are a star baby. After my years in this industry, believe me, I can tell. So, will you sing me something now?"

"The grass is greener on the other side, that's what I thought before I took the ride." She started singing Ire by Adekunle Gold. The words held a new meaning for her. She had given everything to be a certain kind of person and live a certain kind of life. She had wanted Lisa's life so bad and had lost sight of everything she already had. "I burned my bridges, so I'd never look back but if I had known the life I was searching for, was looking me right in the eye oh. If I had known, the life I was searching for, was already my own. Ire n be nile oo, ire ayo. Ire ire ire, ire ire ayo o npe mi" Her voice broke, when last had she intentionally sang before someone else? In that moment as she sang in front of Tammy, she realized she had her best life. You usually know what you were made to do, what you should be doing.

"Beautiful. Very beautiful" Tammy hugged her "I hear potential and that's something I can work with, something I'm skilled at working with. That's all I've done for years Ayomi, years. This industry is about talent yes but it's about people too. You have to know the right people and I know the right people. I believe in you, Ayomi and we're going to do something big with this. You see your beautiful heart; we need that to shine in the industry. We need a new sound; young girls need the right models. Your gift will make room for you and I want to be on that train."

A tear slipped out, "Thank you Tammy. Thank you. Thank you so much"

"No. What are big sisters for?"

*****

Ayomi sat next to Mmesoma for the last Wednesday service in the identity series. She had put on some makeup and worn one of the gowns she had adjusted; the end of the series was worth celebrating.

"Looking good for the Lord, I see" Mmesoma winked.

"As always, I return to give glory to God for taking these messages out of my hands and blessing His children. Today, we're wrapping up the identity series with what I call the curve or the flip message. It's the message that tackles our topic from a different perspective, usually a tough, matter-of-fact perspective. Are you ready?"

"Yes ma" Sola was sitting with them for the first time since Ayomi started attending the church. She had finally been comfortable enough to hand Tobi to Hannah.

"Before we get into the message, I'm just led to say this. Your identity is not relative. You are your own person; you're unique. All this comparing, envying is not wise. You were never placed next to anyone. It's not a competition. Stay in your own lane, love your own lane and run your own race."

It was a word straight for Ayomi. All her life she had concluded she was next to Lisa, next to the mulatto but she had never been. They were not being measured against each other, at least not in God's eyes.

"I'm not next to Lisa. I'm not second to her. I never was, I never will be." She said, quietly

Pastor Nikki continued "You don't compare a watermelon to an apple. You can like either, like neither or like both but a rational person knows it would be silly to compare them because they're not the same. You are not exactly like anybody else so quit always measuring yourself next to someone else. Again, hear me, you're not in a competition. You're not next to anybody else, you stand in a class of your own."

"Now to the curve message. I realized that many of my struggles in relation to my identity stemmed from wanting to be more, wanting to be better than a particular person or some certain people or everyone for that matter. I wanted to be the prettiest in the room, the sexiest in the room, and the most popular in the room. I wanted to be number one. Think about yourself. Many of us want to be smart enough that we can get any job or smart enough that we have the perfect answer to every question.

We want to be beautiful enough so that we can get the attention of any man. We want to be rich enough so that we can afford anything and everything. We want to be more than we are so we don't need anything or anyone, so that we are second to none. We want to be perfect and we want everyone to know that we are. We want to be the object of envy and praise. But Christianity is not for the perfect. God offers us an identity that we have no contribution to, and therefore can't take the praise for. If you want to be the greatest of all time, the numero uno, the most perfect woman around then you don't understand how God works."

"1 Corinthians 1 verse 26 to 31, brothers and sisters, consider who you were when God called you to salvation. Not many of you were wise scholars by human standards, nor were many of you in positions of power. Not many of you were considered the elite when you answered God's call. But God chose those whom the world considers foolish to shame those who think they are wise, and God chose the puny and powerless to shame the high and mighty. He chose the lowly, laughable in the world's eyes – nobodies - so that he would shame the somebodies.

For He chose what is regarded as insignificant in order to supersede what is regarded as prominent, so that there would be no prideful boasting in God's presence. For it is not from man that we draw our life but from God as we are being joined to Jesus, the Anointed One. And He is our God-given wisdom, our virtue, our holiness and our redemption. And this fulfills what is written: if anyone boasts, let him only boast in all that the Lord has done!"

"Are you okay with being a nobody?" she paused and turned from the screen she had read from "Our weaknesses are more useful to God than our supposed strengths. It is pride not to want to need God and God will have none of that. When you have the perfect body, the perfect brain, the perfect bank account then you will be exalted in yourself, would you still need God? Can you quit the pursuit of external perfection trusting that God covers all your imperfections? I don't need to be all that because I have the God factor. I don't want to be all that because God must increase while I decrease, it is not about me."

"We must get comfortable in boasting in our weaknesses because in them is God's strength made perfect. Your imperfections, the things the world doesn't celebrate, the things that are "less than", are the things that God uses. I'm not pretty enough but God chose me. I'm not fluent enough but God uses me. I am glad that I don't have it all together because everyone can clearly see that it is the God in me. I don't want to look like I "deserve" God's blessings, do you?"

"Selah." Mmesoma said

"It's okay that I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world; that's not my struggle or a problem. God covers me"

*****

"Oya dance for me o eyeh eyeh. Shake it for me baby oh (shake it for me baby). Oya dance for your daddy, I wanna see you ginger your body. Oya change your style, lemme see you baby oh (lemme see you baby)" Ayomi entered to see Sola shaking her waist to Believe by Ric Hassani in front of John after work the next day. She had closed late because Tammy was drafting some plans for her music career.

"Ahn ahn. What's going on here?"

"My baby is dancing for me o." John answered, grinning

"Ah ah ah baby oh" John stood up and danced behind her.

"Hehe! Where's Tobi?" Ayomi asked

"He's sleeping inside"

"Well done, I see you want to give Tobi an aburo (a younger sibling)" she laughed. Someone pressed the doorbell so she went to the door.

"Hi" Damian said

"Hi"

"What's going on?" he asked because of the music

"It's John and Sola, they're enjoying themselves" She stepped out and closed the door.

"Abdul and Charlotte do it all the time."

"Are you serious?"

"I'm telling you, they play all the time."

"How long have they been together?"

"They've been married for about 4 years but they've been together since Js 1"

"No way" Ayomi's mouth stayed wide open

He laughed, "Right?"

"You want to walk round the estate?"

"It's kinda late"

"True." He paused "I guess we can just stay here"

She smiled, "I guess so"

He scratched his head. He had a curly afro like Abdul but had faded the sides, he kept touching the sides. He seemed nervous, Ayomi wondered why.

"So how has shooting been?"

"Very nice. You're coming on set soon, right?"

"Yup, as your manager. How is your energetic co-star?"

He looked at her, "She's fine" he paused "but you know she's just that right? Just a co-star"

"Hehe. Did I say anything?" Ayomi replied, hoping her excitement was not all over her face.

"No you didn't"

"I don't see her as more than that" he continued "If I start developing feelings for my co-stars, how many women will I date?"

She laughed, "What are you even saying?"

He smiled and looked at the sky. The conversation lulled.

"So I heard you're single now" he kept staring at the sky.

She could have laughed, he was so cute, "You heard from who?" she hoped her tone would put him at ease

He looked at her briefly, then turned away smiling.

"I can't reveal my source. A good journalist never reveals his sources"

"You're not a journalist"

He looked into her eyes, seriously "Are you single now?"

"Yes, I am"

She had never seen a wider smile, "That's such great news!"

"Really" she laughed.

"But I'm not looking to get into a relationship anytime soon" she wanted to say but kept quiet. It appeared it was Tolu she wanted just friendship from, Damian was a different matter. The skin colour change did not bother her either when it came to Damian. It seemed she had unconsciously had the discussion about Damian after all.

She shook her head and laughed at herself, "Ayomi"

"What?"

"Nothing. I thought about something"

"So you're single right?" he asked again

"Yeah"

"Narh" He said as if correcting her "Not for too long" He grinned and she laughed.

"You're not serious."

"But I am" he replied

"This guy" she pushed him, playfully.
PART FOUR

Ayomi was humming one of the songs she had learnt at the church when her phone started ringing towards the close of work the next day. The caller ID said Tolu but she doubted it.

"Are you seeing things?" she asked herself.

"Hi" the voice said over the phone when she finally picked. It was definitely Tolu.

"Why does he keep calling and checking?" Ayomi wondered.

"Hello Ayomi, are you there?" Tolu asked her. She had not replied him.

"Sorry, hi Tolu. What's up?"

"Nothing much. Do you want to hang out?"

"You've got to be kidding me" she thought "I break up with you and now you want to be with me at all times?"

She thought to say no but ended up saying "Yes"

"Yes?" she questioned aloud

"Yes" he replied, she could hear the smile in his voice. "I was so scared you would say no"

"Me too" she thought "but I wasn't scared, I planned to say no"

"Do you have any place in mind?" he asked, oblivious to her inner conversation "I want you to choose"

"Yeah I know a place" she said, ready for the conversation to end.

"See you at 5"

She dropped the call and stared at her laptop's screen for the remaining 15 minutes till closing.

"You've got to be kidding me, you've got to be kidding me" she kept thinking till she ended up with Tolu at the restaurant, Damian had taken her to.

He had picked her up right on time, much to her surprise. She had assumed the non-stop raining all day would have caused serious traffic all over town.

"Is this not even wrong? Why would you bring him here?" she thought "But Damian didn't ask you out"

"He implied it" she smiled

"You know you can talk to me, you don't have to keep talking to yourself" Tolu said, bringing her back to the present moment. They had settled on one of the tables close to the band setup, one of the waiters had informed them that a band would play shortly.

"Though I'm sure the conversation you're having is a great one. You and your thoughts"

She smiled. The way he said it made it seem cool and she could not get angry "Is that an insult? Are you yabbing me?"

"Of course not. I could watch you all evening but I'd like to know what you're thinking"

Ayomi was red all over, "I see your charm is on tonight"

He laughed, "I like it when you're funny"

She had always liked it when he laughed. His was a rich, full, baritone laugh unlike Damian's. She liked Damian's too though.

"Damian, Damian. Every time Damian" she warned herself inwardly.

She had to admit that if there was no Damian in the picture, she would be head over heels with excitement because Tolu was making an effort.

"Damian is not in the picture. You are not allowed to flow into another relationship" she thought

"Okay, all my thoughts gather around!" she said in her mind "I deserve to enjoy this moment with this boy I laboured over for two years. So please be quiet, thank you!"

"I didn't get around to saying it before but I'm so proud of you." Tolu said

"Oh, for what?"

"Too many things, but I'll start from your job. I remember when you were doing the interviews, you were so worried but look at you now"

She smiled, "Yeah"

"How has it been?"

"Really good."

"That cannot be all. Give me details jor"

She laughed and went ahead to give him the details he had requested for, enjoying herself more and more every minute.

"I need to use the bathroom, then we can go" She said, about two hours later, raising her voice above the band's. They were singing "Let's call the whole thing off" by Ella Fitzgerald and Louis Armstrong. The band had sampled soul and jazz songs all night and Ayomi enjoyed every minute of it. The songs by greats like Aretha Franklin and Billie Holiday had set the perfect atmosphere in the restaurant and she had such a great time. Tolu took them down memory lane, neatly highlighting the few good times they had together. He listened to everything she had to say about work, the change that was happening in her and her plans for the future. He talked about his dreams, his plans for his photography and the way he was mending his relationship with his dad. She almost fell in love with him all over again. This was the Tolu that swept her off her feet. She struggled to guard her heart though, because she was unsure what he wanted and Tolu was not the kind of person you should assume for. There was also the matter with Damian.

"I don't know who's going to eat all this" She added, looking at their table. They had ordered chips and practically every protein dish the restaurant had. She had been sure she wanted chips but when she showed uncertainty as to what accompaniment she preferred, Tolu ordered them all. They had spicy fish fritters, sautéed fish fillets, peppered chicken, barbecue chicken wings, marinated Greek lamb chops, barbecue pork ribs, honey garlic butter shrimps, peppered snails and grilled sausages on their table.

"They'll pack them for us" he smiled. "You know I'm a foodie"

"You definitely are" she laughed. He had eaten at least one piece of everything.

She walked to the toilet smiling and entered the only stall with a toilet paper roll.

"I told you that first time we saw her that it was a butt pad. I could see the lines" She had just finished wiping the toilet seat when she heard some ladies talking.

"They can't be talking about me" she assured herself and spread tissue paper all over the seat.

"As in, your eyes are good. It was today I saw what you were really talking about. The second time she came with that other guy, she didn't have makeup on so I wasn't sure it was her but now I'm sure" another lady said.

"They're talking about me!" Ayomi wanted to shout, the need to pee disappeared.

"It's amazing. She's not fine without her makeup at all, the things makeup hides ehn. And with a face like that, two guys!"

"Two rich guys. See the way this one ordered everything we had. But some girls are great o, two guys and she brought them to the same place."

"I'm telling you, but I think that other one used to come here before. The annoying thing is that she's not even pretty" the lady continued "At all"

"You don't know what's between her legs. It might be gold." The first lady that had spoken, said and the other one laughed.

"You've got to be kidding me! You don't even know me" she thought and then contemplated going out to beat them. She had seen something like that in a movie.

"It's not worth it" she concluded as tears rushed to her eyes. She felt herself falling from the high plane she was on.

Did they know she was in there? Were they doing it intentionally? She wondered which of the waiters they were. She had seen four when they walked in, could she link the voices to any of the faces? Weren't they trained not to talk about customers especially where they could easily be heard? Oh, she longed to break their heads!

"Maybe we should ask her for tips" they laughed and she heard the door shut behind them.

"It's all a lie, Pastor Nikki wasn't right" she muttered. "It's all a lie"

She became terribly self-conscious and walked out of the stall slowly. She had known it could not work, her dad was right. The world had no room for real girls unless the real face was drop dead gorgeous. How could she have convinced herself to leave the house without her armor? Of course she looked like a screp. Andy had lied, she was not glowing. She looked pitiful.

She waited for some extra minutes after they had left before she stepped out. She needed time to compose herself, she was on the verge of bursting into tears. She looked into the mirror and struggled with her composure, a tear slipped out. It looked like her pimples had increased in size, even the black spots seemed to cover more portions of her face. She looked flat all over; everywhere minus her tummy which looked like it was bulging out of the shirt.

"Why do I look like this? Is this what everybody has been seeing? Is this what Tolu has been talking to for hours?"

"Why did I do this? What was I thinking? How did I talk myself into stepping out like this? What sort of useless, embarrassing confidence possessed me?"

"How stupid can you be Ayomi? How stupid?"

She almost screamed, "What have I done?!!!"

She felt herself shrink and forced herself to leave the bathroom. She was so ashamed, so weak. She managed to give all the waiters dirty looks as she walked out; she could not risk missing the ones that actually deserved the stare.

"Are you okay?" Tolu asked as he drove her home "You've been quiet"

"I am" she lied.

The house was already quiet when she got home so she went straight into her room and cried into her pillow.

*****

The next day, she did a full face beat. She opted out of devotion with Sola and John to spend the time 'upgrading' her face. When she was done, she was pleased because she looked spectacular.

"It's all fake" she thought.

"It's sha better"

She had gone from the mountaintop to the valley. She could not just ignore what the girls in the bathroom had said. All her life she had lived by and for the comments of others. They had simply given her feedback and she was going to act on it.

"I guess all that talk works until you have to confront someone" She looked into the mirror again and dusted off the setting powder.

"That's some good baking right there" she thought.

When she saw her puffy eyes that morning, she knew there was no other option; makeup was the only way. She would not face the world without her armor again, she never wanted to be the recipient of such scorn ever again.

"Those stupid girls! Arrgh!" she thought, slipping on some of her special underwear too. She felt sad but there was no other way.

"Aunty Ayomi, friend dey, he come" Hannah said, knocking on her door.

"Thanks" Andy had promised to pick her up since they were going to the set Damian was on together. That was another reason why she had gone overboard with her appearance. The last thing she wanted was for set assistants, other co-stars and whoever else might be there to think lowly of her. Andy whistled when he saw and she took it as a good sign, maybe her co-workers had not taken the size change too seriously. It was probably not as drastic as she had thought. Either way, she did not care.

They had just finished shooting a scene when Andy and Ayomi got to the set.

"Ayomi!" Damian shouted once he saw her. A lady had been trying to remove his lavalier mic "Here, take" he untangled it himself and handed it to the lady who was not pleased to be dismissed so nonchalantly. He did not notice.

"You made her mad" Ayomi pointed out as he walked towards her.

"Really?" he hugged Ayomi.

"Sorry Titi!" he shouted. The lady shook her head but kept walking away from them.

He laughed and said loud enough for Titi to hear, "She'll get over it. She loves me"

"You wish!" Titi shouted back and Ayomi smiled, he was definitely in his element.

"Wow! Ayomi" he faced her squarely and she noticed his eyes were red "Where are you coming from or where are you going to? You look wow, fabulous"

She shrugged, "Stop jor."

"Hi Damian" Andy said, with an exaggerated wave. He had a funny expression on his face. Damian had not even noticed him "Where's the director?"

"Inside. He's talking to some vendors. We weren't supposed to shoot today but the rain messed up all the plans yesterday."

"Yeah I figured. Alright" he walked away.

"Why are your eyes red?" Ayomi asked.

"Oh! We shot that scene"

"Which one?"

"The one where my character tries to kill himself but is stopped by the love of his life" he answered, dramatically "We practiced it together remember?"

"Oh yeah"

"But the director! My word! He changed so many things from the script, like the scene was completely transformed. We ended up shooting it so many times. By the time we were done, we were emotionally and physically broken. Only on the wide shot, we did like 6 takes because we kept switching things up."

"Wow"

"You need to meet Theresa!" he said, all of a sudden.

"Energetic co-star?"

"Yeah" he laughed.

Something in Ayomi told her to brace herself. When she saw Theresa, she knew why. Her smile disappeared.

"This can't be happening!" she screamed inside.

"Theresa, Ayomi. Ayomi, Theresa"

"Oh your manager" Theresa said, with a British accent

"No! More like his girlfriend" pause "okay, girlfriend-to-be" Ayomi replied mentally but did not say a word. She was too shocked.

Even with her eyes equally as red as Damian's and her nose slightly runny, Theresa looked flawless. Her crotchet faux locs were packed in a loose bun. She was in the middle of wiping off her makeup so her left-cheek was still tear-stained yet it made no difference. She was fair, had outstandingly brown eyes and very delicate features. Her high cheekbones, full pink lips that seemed to stay pouting, surprisingly dainty ears and nose all came together to leave her looking like a goddess. Her face was not the type you could miss in a crowd. Bronzers, contour palettes, blush sets, brushes and pads were great but there were some things they could not create. Sometimes, you just had to be born that way. Ayomi did a quick once-over. Theresa was in a pair of bum-shorts and a fitted t-shirt. They were about the same height and build. Though she obviously had a flat tummy, bigger bust and wider hips. Thankfully, she was flat in the booty department.

"Something is wrong with you" Ayomi said to herself.

Theresa's flatness did not even matter. Her beautiful fair legs were enough to make that inconsequential.

Ayomi felt like nothing, it was like standing next to Lisa.

"You didn't tell me she was mixed! Or that she just returned to the country?" she caught herself right before she glared at Damian. Was that something people shared?

"Oh, hey. I just met this energetic co-star. She's really cool and we connected but let me add that she's mixed and a returnee because you have a serious thing for those with oyinbo traces. Your self-esteem crumbles before them and you turn to nothing. So I had to add those details." She gasped at her own thoughts.

"Of course no one says that! It probably didn't even occur to him to bring it up"

"Yeah" she finally replied, forcing a smile. Damian did not correct Theresa either.

"It's really cool to meet you. My elder sister does all that for me, this is actually her pet project. We just moved to Nigeria with her fiancé. The last time we were here I was 2 but I've always wanted to come. At university, I held a position in the African students' --"

"Why are you telling me?" Ayomi questioned inwardly, zoning out everything the girl was saying

Why had she not checked or googled or something? She had spoken to several people about the project since Tammy transferred it to her. She had probably spoken to Theresa's sister. She remembered she had a conversation with someone with a similar accent but it had not occurred to her that the person could be linked to Damian's energetic co-star. In what universe was it fair for her competition to be yet another mulatto?

"Is she your competition now? You know it's not a competition" Pastor Nikki's words started rising up but she stopped them. They had no practical use.

Damian's soft laugh jolted her back to reality, "We can go to that restaurant now!" he said

He faced Ayomi with a look that seemed to ask "What's wrong?"

She shook her head as if to say, "Nothing"

"Are you in?" he asked like he was repeating himself. Had he asked before?

"For?"

"I told Theresa about our fish fillets' place"

"Oh, did you tell her about Abdul's wings too? He makes them so well" Damian picked her sarcasm, Theresa did not.

"Really? Your brother-in-law right? But he already left"

Ayomi was amazed that Theresa even knew Abdul.

"I'm starving" Andy had reappeared.

"We are going for lunch" Damian ignored Ayomi and focused on Andy and Theresa "more like dinner"

"I'm game. Where?"

"That place close to our office" Ayomi replied defiantly, surprising Damian.

"Oh yeah. Cool" Andy answered and pulled Theresa along "Hi, I'm Andy"

Ayomi looked back at Damian who was obviously confused

"Two can play this game" her eyes said.

"But it's not a game!" Damian's eyes screamed back but she had already walked off.

*****

By the time they got to the restaurant, Ayomi was a complete mess.

"Don't you have something to say today?" she glared at every waiter in the restaurant "I know she's prettier than me! Fools!"

Damian kept looking at her, he seemed worried but she kept avoiding his gaze. Theresa could talk for three so she kept Andy and Damian engaged.

"Go on. Watch her. She's beautiful, isn't she? You're held captive by her beauty"

"Even a king is held captive by your beauty" one of the lines from Pastor Nikki's recording came back to her.

"How now? That can't be true. A king can be held captive by her beauty, what beauty do I have to hold him captive with?" With every minute, she went deeper and deeper in her self-hate.

"I'll just leave with Ayomi" Damian said about 20 minutes later, after barely touching the fish fillets they had come for. He had been so uncomfortable throughout the entire lunch date.

"No!" Ayomi practically shouted. She saw hurt flash across his face.

"We live in the same estate" he added, solemnly

"Oh, yeah" she said haltingly. "Okay"

Andy and Theresa seemed ready for them to leave the lunch date.

Ayomi noticed Andy had his "You're giving off bad energy" face on. She did not care.

"My sister's driver should be here for me soon, I just sent him a text. Please wait a bit" Theresa said, looking at Damian. She touched his arm "Please"

"What's with the drama? Must you touch him?" Ayomi asked with her eyes. As usual, Theresa did not notice.

"Oh sure. I invited you after all"

Ayomi hissed mentally.

Fifteen minutes later, they finally left. Damian practically bolted to the door.

"Ayomi, what's wrong?" he asked once they were in his car.

"Nothing."

"Ayomi?"

"I said nothing" she snapped and he did not say a word for the rest of the ride.

*****

Once she got home, she rinsed her face and fell asleep in a bid to shut everything out. Sola and John had gone for a party and taken both Hannah and Tobi. Her phone woke her up, an hour later. It was not Damian.

"What were you thinking?" she scolded herself "Of course, he can't call you after you acted like a complete idiot."

"Hi Ayomi" Andy said

"I'm sorry about the way I acted today" she started saying

"We all have our bad days. That's not why I'm calling though"

Ayomi breathed a sigh of relief. She was not in the mood to be questioned about her morose attitude.

"Tammy needs someone to go with her on this next trip to Abuja. She leaves tomorrow at 7 a.m. I can go but"

"I'm in" She replied before he finished the sentence.

"Oh you are?"

"Yeah I am"

"That's fine then."

"Yeah"

"You didn't even ask how long the trip is or what it's about"

"Doesn't really matter, I just need to escape" she thought

"Sorry. Please forward me the details. Thank you." She said instead

"It's not a problem. I should be thanking you. I would have had to cancel everything I had booked for next week. Rest well, pack light. See you upper week."

"Bye Andy."

"Like me, in the face of Pastor's other admirers, I packed up shop and ran." Pastor Nikki's words came back to her.

"God please don't give up on me and don't let Damian give up on me" she said, as she sobbed.

Her phone rang.

"That was fast" she thought until she saw it was Tolu calling.

"This Tolu. God, are you telling me something?"

"Hi" he said

"Hi Tolu" she said, coolly

"You don't sound excited to hear from me. Are you still feeling down from yesterday?"

"I feel worse" she thought "If only you knew"

"I'm fine" she answered. Christians were not supposed to lie so much.

"Am I still a Christian? Do I even still want to be one? It doesn't work" she thought.

"Great. I'm outside" Tolu said

"Excuse me? Outside where?" She paid attention to him

"In front of your house"

"Why?"

"I came to take you out jor"

"We went out yesterday"

"This one is different"

She threw on a kaftan, wiped her face and walked to meet him outside. She did not have the energy to package anything.

"Hi" he said with a big grin when he saw her.

"Hi again, Tolu"

"Ready to go?"

"I'm not going anywhere"

"You are o. Just get in"

"Like this? I'm obviously not going anywhere like this"

"You look fine to me"

"Yeah right"

"It doesn't even matter"

"What's going on Tolu? Where do you want us to go?" she was already tired of going back and forth.

"My new studio"

"What?"

"I got my own studio and guess who I wanted to share the news with first?"

"I don't know" she shrugged, although she knew the answer he would give

"You! They just finished the work on it and I want to take your pictures first"

She sighed, why was he showing up with everything she had ever wanted from him?

"I don't have the energy for this"

"For all this" she drew a circle with her hands.

He walked to where she was standing and gently guided her to the car.

"Ayomi, just come with me. Forget everything that's bothering you and have a good time. Please"

She sighed, "What will I wear? My makeup kit is inside"

"Ayomi baby, do I ever go small? All that's figured out. Just be my Julia Roberts tonight, pretty woman" he winked and she shook her head.

"You're silly"

"But you like me like that"

"As a" she started

"Friend" he completed it for her and turned up the music in his car

*****

Travelling with Tammy and Ade was more fun than she had expected. Andy had not mentioned Ade would be on the trip so she had been pleasantly surprised to see him. He and Tammy paid for everything and gave her as much space as she wanted. Actually, they did not have her time which was still okay by her. They had a relationship to keep building, a wedding to plan alongside several business decisions to make, watching them make magic was enough for her. Every meeting she went to was enlightening and she never knew what star she would bump into. Her tasks basically revolved around taking minutes and preparing presentation slides. Tammy ensured she never had to run around, make tea or buy snacks like the interns from other firms.

However, every time she saw Tammy and Ade together, like a couple and not just work colleagues, she was reminded of her issues with Damian. He had called once and she had not picked because she had been too scared.

"Don't think about him" she said to herself, that Tuesday afternoon as she stepped out of her hotel room. The meeting for the day ended before lunch so she had the rest of the day to enjoy hotel restaurant food on the company's bill.

"You know you won't even put a dent in it" she thought and smiled at her attempt to make herself happy.

"Hi" the man in the room opposite hers had stepped out at the same time. He had a big grin on, suggesting he wanted to start up a conversation.

Ayomi hissed, she was not in the mood for such conversations "I look like what you want abi? See your round eyes. It's just because of the makeup and all the extra pads, you would never like the real me. Nonsense" she thought

The man was less than pleased that she hissed, he hissed back and walked away.

"Ayomi, what's with the bad behavior now?" she sighed, she was doing much worse than before the whole life-change episode.

"Who sent me? I just want to hide."

"Ayomi" Tammy called, stepping out of her room. Her room was next to Ayomi's but Ade was on a different floor. They had gone to their hotel rooms after the meeting. She had changed from the pink suit she had worn to the meeting to a knee-length Ankara gown and ballerina flats

"I thought I heard your door. Where are you off to?"

"The restaurant." She focused on Tammy and quieted her thoughts "Do you need something? You don't like the slides?"

"The slides are perfect and I don't even need them till Friday's meeting. Do you feel like singing?"

"Singing?"

"Tatiana's producer is around"

"Oh"

"His studio is back home but there's one in the house he owns here. I've been trying to get a hold of him, he just called me back."

"Oh wow, Tammy"

"Yeah, so we have an appointment"

"Tammy!"

"What are big sisters for?"

They got to his mansion in under 15 minutes and once they got through very brief pleasantries he asked her to sing. She could have died. Tammy kept smiling at her but she felt her world crumbling bit by bit

"You can't embarrass Tammy, just sing" she urged herself. She chose to sing the first verse and chorus of 'Ire' again. Was that the right kind of song to sing for an audition? She wondered

The man was silent for a while after she stopped before singing.

"That was beautiful" he said like he was in thought, then turned to Tammy

The word "beautiful" stuck with Ayomi. He had said her singing was beautiful, and she could see in his eyes that he meant it.

"I might not be beautiful but at least my voice is" she would not cry in front of her future producer.

"There's potential there." He said to Tammy who to Ayomi's surprise had not been nervous about the whole impromptu performance.

"If only I could be as confident in myself as you are Tammy"

"I heard some Omawumi. There's definitely some Simi influence though. Do you listen to this girl?" he clicked his fingers and tapped his head "Yes. Demi Lovato?"

Ayomi nodded.

"What kind of music do you want to do?"

"Soul" she replied shyly "RnB"

He nodded "Can you sing high? What's your range?"

"I'm not sure" she answered, shakily.

"Come" he led them to his studio, a large soundproofed blue room with a hardwood floor at the innermost part of the house.

"Just sing along as I play, okay?"

Tammy smiled, "Thank you Uncle Eddy"

He winked, "Anytime dear"

*****

"Aunty, where are you?" Mmesoma called at about 8 pm the next day "You didn't come to church on Sunday and I didn't see you today either"

Ayomi stretched on the bed, the linen sheets were the best she had been on in her life. She could not imagine how much a night in the hotel cost. She had had 25k rice and chicken the night before, what a life!

"I travelled with Tammy" she replied Mmesoma.

"Oh! That's true, I didn't see her too. How is that going?"

"Fantastic" She was still high on the excitement from meeting with Uncle Eddy the day before.

"Hmmmn. I smell gist, spill already"

Without thinking, she rambled on "I met Tatiana's producer, I sang for him" she had been itching to tell somebody all day.

"No way! It's a lie"

"Why shall I lie? Even if I shall lie, shall I lie for you?" she repeated, adapting lines from a popular comedy skit

Mmesoma laughed "Oh my! I can't believe this. You actually met Mr Eddy, you sang for him! Oh my God! Ayomi, you have blown"

Ayomi laughed, "Is that how people blow?"

"No but that's how you will blow. Do you know who Mr. Eddy is?"

"Who doesn't?"

"This is awesome! How? How in the world?"

"Tammy"

"My God, I need to start talking to Tammy more. What?! I've just been seeing her in church all this while, when my village people are not worrying me? I've just been wasting available connect"

Ayomi laughed, "I know she won't mind"

"Have you told Damian?"

"It's Tolu you should have said" she said and then wished she had not.

"This is how you cast yourself!" she shouted inwardly

"Tolu? Why Tolu? You guys broke up now"

"Yeah"

"Ayomi"

"He has been coming around. We went to a restaurant together then I had a photo shoot at his studio; it was the best time I've had in a long while. We played, I sang along to the old songs on his playlist"

"Why's my mouth leaking like this?!" she screamed inside.

"Hehe. What about Damian?"

Ayomi sighed, "We had a bad lunch date. He brought this girl. I can't compete with her"

"Ayomi, you're not making sense, talk to me"

"He's an actor, he'll keep acting with pretty women. It can't work"

"Tolu is a photographer" Mmesoma pointed out

Ayomi paused as realization dawned, "He's a fashion photographer" she said, increasing the implication of what Mmesoma had said "I guess that door must remain shut then, it can't work either. He'll be shooting models pretty soon." She felt herself slipping into sadness and depressing thoughts again.

"Ayomi, you're not making sense. What are you saying? Where's the confident Ayomi I was feeling a couple of days ago."

"She's gone" Ayomi replied, soberly

There was a long silence as Ayomi gradually started sobbing. All the thoughts she had hidden since Saturday resurfaced.

"Why am I always breaking down in front of you these days" she lamented.

"Just talk Ayomi. Stop bottling everything in, talk."

She told Mmesoma in detail about the ladies at the restaurant and about Theresa. Mmesoma's credit got exhausted but she called back less than a minute after.

"You're not escaping this conversation today. Thank God for 737" Mmesoma said after Ayomi picked the phone on the second ring.

She forced a chuckle, "So that's it"

She heard Mmesoma sigh after a while, "Whatever happened to make you doubt yourself so much, Ayomi? What happened to make you think so lowly of yourself? Who set the standard of beauty that makes you feel you're worth nothing? Who's making you live like this? Who are you listening to? It's definitely not God and if it's not Him, then it's probably not true. If God didn't say it, then you cannot hold it as irrefutable."

Ayomi did not say anything. She heard the pain in Mmesoma's voice and began crying all over again.

"What's the meaning of all this?" she wondered "What's happening to me?" She was definitely on an emotional sturm und drang. It was as if someone had gone to the deepest parts of her soul and decided to push everything in there out. It felt like someone was prodding, pushing until the issues in her heart were settled. It was painful but necessary.

"It's heartbreaking because you are amazing and you are so gifted but you keep getting stuck on this matter that has no eternal bearing on anything." Mmesoma continued "It breaks my heart; oh it breaks my heart so much. How can you go about comparing yourself to all these other people? You're not living their lives; you were called to live yours. Pastor Nikki said all that, didn't you hear it Ayomi?"

"I did" Ayomi answered "But it's not like I could walk up to the girls at the restaurant and say even a king is held captive by my beauty. The fact that I learnt all those verses and prayed did not make those girls see me as beautiful"

"But who cares about them?"

"I do!"

"Why? Why will you give them that much power? Why? Human beings are so fickle. Half of the time, we're changing our minds about something. Everyone is preoccupied with their own issues, with their own insecurities. Why would you give other people so much power over your life? God's opinion matters the most, Ayo and He loves you. Has any human being ever created a living, breathing, moving human being? So what right do they have to pass a verdict on you based on the conditioning they've received from the culture?"

"I can imagine if one of my drumming videos could have a mind of its own and speak and then keep saying it's rubbish and that I drummed nonsense. After all the time and effort I put into drumming, into editing the video, do you know how I would feel? But you just degrade every gift in you and reduce yourself to a couple of stats and body parts."

"I tried to believe Meso! I tried!"

"For how many days? It's a fight of faith Ayomi. Your mind that has been thinking something all your life won't change in an instant. You keep pushing, you keep praying and you keep fighting. This is the life God has given you, you deserve to shine and make Him proud. You should have a purpose, Holy-Ghost, I'm God's baby party every day! He sent His son for that much. Remember the parable of the sower that Pastor mentioned two weeks ago?" She did not wait for an answer "There's a portion that talks about some seed that fell on rocky places where there wasn't much soil. The seeds sprang up quickly because the soil was shallow but when the sun came up, the plants were scorched and they withered because they had no root. Do you get what happened?"

"No"

"Jesus explained that the seed sown on gravel represents the person who gladly hears the message but his experience remains shallow. Like you, you connected to the things you heard and accepted them early but your experience didn't go deep. Shortly after such a person hears the Word, troubles and persecutions, in your case talkative waiters and mixed co-stars, come because, I repeat, because, of the Word that was received. Then he quickly falls away for the truth didn't sink deeply into his heart. Ayomi, you need to let the Word take root. The issues came specifically because of the Word but you must put up a fight with God's help. It's a war Ayomi. Do you want a great life?"

"Yes" she whispered

"Then you must fight. Although we live in the natural realm, we don't wage a military campaign employing human weapons. For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh. That's from the Bible, 2 Corinthians 10:5. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Another translation says, we capture, like prisoners of war, every thought and insist that it bow in obedience to the Anointed One. Make every negative thought bow. It's high time you let this thing go, Ayomi. Enough with it! Take charge of all these negative feelings, all these insecurities and make them bow."

"Do you know the story about God sending Prophet Samuel to anoint David?" she did not wait for an answer, "The Prophet saw his elder brother and because he was attractive, he thought he would be the Lord's anointed. Do you know what God said? He literally said, pay no attention to how tall and handsome he is. I have rejected him, because I do not judge as people judge. They look at the outward appearance, but I look at the heart. People judge others by what they look like, but I judge people by what is in their hearts.

As fine as he was, God had no use for him. We look at people and determine who we think is tight, God sees things completely different. We have been called to a life that's different from others, a life that is built on different principles. God accepted you Ayomi, which means there's something special He has in store for you; there's something He sees in you. The fact that we're talking about this and you are saved is enough proof. It's time to start acting like God. Stop judging yourself by your appearance. What about all the destinies tied to yours? What about your purpose? Ayomi, it's not just about you. You have to take God's perspective on these things."

"I know it's not the easiest thing to do or the thing that comes most naturally but trust me, God will meet you on the way. I don't know if you remember how my fingernails were when we met. I had bitten them a lot as a child so they were disgusting even though I had stopped and I said it every chance I got. After a while, I decided to speak the Word over them instead. I didn't have any specific verse but I kept saying they were beautiful. By final year, people were complimenting on how beautiful my nails were and how I did not need to fix my nails since I already had the beautiful French nails, those white tips, people tried to fix on. It's a small thing but it meant so much to me. Even my body, you called curvy; I wrestled for so long with it but at a point, I just had to believe God instead of the culture. I realized that I am so much more than my body. I am so much more than my grades and skills. I am God's daughter! I used to be separate from God on my way to hell but I have an unbreakable relationship with Jehovah now.

I will never experience the wrath of God! I will live forever! I have a glorious inheritance; He calls me His own! As I grew in God, His glow covered me and that's when the compliments started coming. There was just something about me that people couldn't really resist" she laughed "Wooh! I've gone all preacher on you, the Holy Spirit sure knows how to take over a discussion. Let God's glory be your covering Ayomi and just rest. Trust me, it's a glow that beats any other glow in the world. It's a glow that builds men as nations, that brings healing, that sets destinies free, that builds a home and when you need to, dazzles in front of a camera."

Ayomi laughed with tears in her eyes, "Yes ma"

"Was this phone call recorded?" She asked, grateful for the encouragement from Mmesoma.

Mmesoma laughed, "No o"

"We should have. You just saved me"

"Jesus did it. It's the Jesus in me, baby"

"Thank you Meso. You are the absolute best"

"Anytime sis. I will send some songs you can just meditate on; they'll help"

"Thanks Meso"

"No problem. And concerning the men in your life. My aunt always says marriage is not the have all, be all, in life. Talk less of ordinary relationship" she laughed "I have refused to settle, I want love at the standard Jesus ordained for me, His princess. I know I will be a blessing to the man I get married to. I will war with him till he becomes all God ordained him to be, I will be devoted to him, I will push him into his destiny, I will build a home of peace and joy with him, I will challenge him to seek God more, I will birth and raise children after God's heart with him, I will make him respected at the city's gates, I will be a help meet for him, all by God's help.

So if all that makes no difference to some guy and he's focused on just booty, whether my booty or someone else's, whether it's too big, or too small then I don't even want him. He can just walk because he's not serious. He doesn't understand that these things are about purpose and destiny and the Kingdom of God, not appearance. It's more than okay if he doesn't want me, because me too I don't want him, shikena."

"Meso Meso"

"Seriously, no guy would be doing me a favour by dating me. It's his own profit, his own blessing. He should be grateful, rolling on the floor before God that I even said yes." She hissed, jokingly "And Damian himself implied something like that. I will never settle for waka-pass kind of attention. I have stayed gladly single all this while and I won't change that until I meet someone worth it. That's all"

"I love you Meso"

"Awwwn! I love you too Ayomi. You know I have loved you for so long. You were just forming for me. God told me you are my best friend"

Ayomi laughed, "Hmmm. I'm glad He did. I feel highly privileged to be your best friend"

"Hehehe. Stop it jor. Sha when you blow, don't forget your cool bestie"

"Never" Ayomi replied, laughing.

"Say hi to Mr. Eddy for me o"

"Na so"

*****

"You are beautiful" Ayomi said to her reflection in the mirror, toothbrush in hand, the next morning. "You are special, you are gifted and you have a purpose. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks, you're not in a competition. You are a star."

"My walk, my talk, my moves are beautiful" she chuckled "I remove myself from the game, I step out of the ring. I am not in a competition. I am going to be happy! I'm going to be content! I am going to live my life without these burdens and these weights. I was not born to be graded and scored by people. I am giving nobody permission to rate me or rank me. I am priceless because, like Pastor Nikki said, Jesus, the Son of God, died for me. This is what I believe, this is how I'm going to live. I am going to be free again, like a child. Like I was before I let them convince me I wasn't good enough. I am God's beloved."

"Ayomi laugh, dream, slay on your own terms." She turned her face towards the ceiling "Oh, help me believe this"

Saying the words to herself made her feel better.

"I guess we're going to have this conversation every day till you believe" she pointed the toothbrush at her reflection and hurried to get ready.

*****

Ayomi studied the headshots in front of her as Tammy slayed the final presentation for the trip, Friday morning. They were headshots of five of the agency's top music stars who were looking to branch into acting. Ayomi pulled up Tatiana's and looked at it closely.

"She's actually not that fine" she thought, juxtaposing the image of the star all made up in the headshot with the face she had seen when Tatiana came to the office.

It was funny that it was not something people talked about. She looked through the headshots once more as Tammy rounded off the meeting and concluded that some things were more important than looks. Human beings are too complex to be reduced to just body stats.

"It doesn't even matter." She said, inwardly "Most of the stars I love are not even all that pretty or set but it doesn't matter. The more dazzled I am by them, the more beautiful they become to me or the less I care about the way they look"

The realization hit like a ton of bricks and she almost burst out laughing.

"What a wonderful, random thought."

"Thank you" she heard Tammy say and felt like knocking herself. She had heard barely a word. She was sure Tammy did a brilliant job as usual but what would she write in the minutes?

"You need to focus more, you this girl" she scolded herself.

"We leave tomorrow evening" Tammy said to her, as they exited the conference room they used for the meeting. Ade was waiting for her in the lobby. "We're going to see some of his cousins so the next time we'll see is at the airport. I'll send a cab for you at 4 p.m tomorrow"

"Okay Tammy. Thank you"

Tammy hugged her and walked out with Ade. As Ayomi turned towards the elevator, her phone rang. It was Lisa.

"Hey Lisa"

Lisa sniffed, "Hi Ayomi"

"Are you crying?"

"Yes"

"What's wrong?" she moved to one of the sofas at the extreme end of the lobby.

"I know the last time we spoke I was really flippant about Tonye cheating and honestly, I'm more worried about the baby and me because I don't want to die but I'm so scared. What if he's cheating? What if he doesn't love me anymore? He's still always travelling and now I'm more worried that he might be going to see another woman. Maybe that's why he can travel so often and for so long" Lisa rambled on "Our marriage is not even a year old, what did I do wrong Ayomi? Maybe that lady has something I don't, maybe she's prettier than me. Maybe I'm not enough for him, maybe I'm getting fatter. Maybe he hates that I don't work."

Ayomi could cry, "What? Lisa, no one measures up to you." She gave a sad laugh "You're everything I've wanted to be all my life. You were my standard, the standard I could never reach. I have hated you, envied you, hated myself for hating you, been jealous of you, admired you. Lisa, you're amazing" she could not believe she was encouraging Lisa, who would have thought?

"God sure has a sense of humour" she thought. She heard Lisa's crying intensify.

"I'm so sorry Lisa" Ayomi said "It's not your fault Lisa. It's not your fault that I felt inferior for so long. It's not your fault that the boys wanted you. It's not your fault that Mum and Dad preferred you, heck, I was such a disturbed child, they probably didn't know what to do with me. It's not your fault that you're beautiful" she laughed, she was crying too. She turned to face the wall for some privacy. Her makeup products were waterproof so she could cry to her heart's content without fear of scaring people on her way back to her room. She had worn makeup just because the meeting that morning was highly important but she had toned it down significantly. She was gradually climbing back on her high plane. She still wore her pads though; all the clothes she had brought could only be worn with the pads. Without them, they would have looked like she borrowed them or they had been passed down to her.

"You can just go to your room now" She thought but shook her head. She did not want to alter what she was starting to believe was a sacred moment.

As she talked to Lisa, she felt a knot in her heart loosening. She knew she was not attending to the issue Lisa had at her hand but she was sure it was her moment to be set free from her "bondage" with regard to Lisa.

"You've been a fantastic sister. You are kind, forgiving, loving. I have reduced you to your face and stats for so many years. I'm so ashamed. You're not a doll, you're a person."

"Theresa is a person!" she added, though she knew Lisa had no idea who that was. "She has dreams, hurts, plans and failures. You guys are people. You never had your mum but I was so blinded by jealousy that I didn't realize how that must feel. I always felt you were too beautiful to have problems, but now that I think about it, so many girls beefed you in school for no reason at all. You practically have no friends."

Lisa was still crying but she chuckled a little.

"All sorts of guys disturbed you and I don't know why I always thought that was a good thing. It must have been annoying and frustrating to be reduced to just your face, your body or even your grades. You're so not one of those women that are content to be defined by their body parts and celebrated only for them. You are so much more." She paused "I remember you were uncertain about marrying Tonye right off the bat, you said it but I was too jealous to let you have the conversation. I shut it down and made you feel silly. I'm so sorry. I truly believe he's a good guy so don't worry too much, how will he cheat? When he's not stupid. What else is he looking for? For his sake, I really hope he's not cheating because it's his loss. He would be a total idiot, a downright nincompoop, a complete fool, an absolute dunce, a rank nonentity."

Lisa laughed through her tears, "Go on"

"An utter buffoon, a definite dimwit, a real dullard, a true moron, a proper imbecile"

"He's still my husband o! It's enough" she laughed as she sniffed "Thank you Ayomi"

"You'll be fine sis."

"Should I confront him? Should I trail him?"

"I really don't know Lisa. But first things first, we really need to pray about it. Did you tell mum?"

"No, she knows something's wrong with me but if I tell her, it would break her heart"

"Yes" Ayomi paused "What do people do in situations like this?"

"I guess I can choose to be okay with it since I'm the real wife" Lisa said

"What?! A whole feminist like you"

"I guess I'm still learning." She chuckled slightly "The other lady will always be just the side piece. He will always come back to me."

Ayomi was quiet briefly "You deserve better than that, Lisa. Don't talk like that. Will that one be a marriage?"

The line was silent for a while, "I do deserve better"

"I think you should confront him." Ayomi suddenly said "We'll pray and you can confront him. Let's put it out there, all these assumptions would only create more problems."

"I don't know Ayomi. He'll ask if I was trailing him, how I got the pictures. I don't want to be that type of wife."

"You are his wife, Lisa. You have a right to know everything about him."

"I'm so confused."

"You'll be fine, Lisa. I'm sure"

"I think so too. With you here like this, I definitely will be. We need to see and come up with a plan. Tell Sola and John that I'm coming soon, it's not like I'm doing anything here. I want to go to the place that changed you."

"Wooh!" Ayomi shouted and looked back to see people staring at her, she did not care "Am I about to have my first convert?"

"What does that even mean?"

"It means you're almost home."

"You truly know how to work things out, God" Ayomi thought "God, please work out Lisa's marriage."

*****

Ayomi got back to Sola and John's house about 7 pm that Saturday evening and to her surprise, met Tolu and Damian gisting outside the gate. They were laughing about something so they did not notice her as she got down from the cab and walked towards them. She had repeated the slight makeup from the day before and kept the pads. She tried not to feel too self-conscious.

"O my beloved, you are lovely. Even hosts of angels stand in awe of you" she muttered. Alongside the songs Mmesoma sent, she had listened to Pastor Nikki's recording all night. The guys kept on laughing. She stopped her recitation and started panicking.

"What could be so funny that they didn't notice a car park?" she thought, taking heavy steps towards them "Are they talking about me? How do they know each other? Wait, are they playing me? If they are, why would they be outside my gate? Have they come to laugh at me?"

"You are overthinking this, Ayomi"

"I don't think so" she retorted, in her thoughts. Anger started rising as the guys kept on laughing.

"What in the world is so funny?!"

"Be calm, be calm" she tried to persuade herself.

Tolu had asked about bringing her pictures and she had informed him she would be back on Saturday. She had not expected him to be waiting for her on her return but she understood how that could be possible. Who had invited Damian? They had not spoken since the Theresa incident. He had called once and she had not picked or called back.

Tolu noticed her first, "You're back!" he shouted, stating the obvious.

"No, I'm in London. Of course, I'm back" she almost snapped back

"Yeah" she said, instead. He reached out and gave her a side hug.

"You know each other?" Damian asked.

"No! He's just parked outside my gate because he likes the view!" she felt like saying but let Tolu reply

"Yeah"

"Hi, Ayomi" Damian said, slowly

"Hi" she replied, curtly.

"But you're the one that should be apologizing. You're the one that misbehaved and needed rewiring" she thought but kept up her act.

"How do you know each other?"

Ayomi chose to answer though she wanted to point out that it was none of his business.

"He's my"

"Friend" Tolu completed it for her, interrupting her "We went to school together"

"Oh" Damian seemed comfortable with the response, he chose not to be bothered by the tension. Ayomi wondered why Tolu had not implied that they had been in a relationship and were even on their way to rekindling it.

"Well, I'm not needed here" he continued "It was nice to meet you Tolu, see you on Tuesday"

"Guy, yeah same here. See you on Tuesday."

Ayomi knew she had misjudged the situation and felt more stupid with every step he took, away from them.

"But you can quit running now, why are you self-sabotaging? Why is your blood so hot?" she nearly groaned out loud.

"Your pictures are in here" Tolu handed her a flash drive "I know I didn't have to come but I wanted to."

She kept looking at Damian as he walked away without saying a word.

"So he's the one right?" Tolu asked

"Excuse me?" she turned to face him sharply

"I know you to some extent, Ayomi. You would have never broken up with me. I knew there had to be someone else."

"Oh wow! You are so arrogant." Tolu had the effrontery to laugh "It's not funny and that's not true at all. Our relationship was horrible, it made me sad and sick. I broke up with you because I couldn't take it anymore."

"I agree but Mr. Damian made that easier to do"

"What are you getting at? What do you want? Is that why you've been coming around? To satisfy your curiosity?"

"Heeey! You don't have to get angry. I understand"

She sighed, "Tolu, we're no longer dating and you're still stressing me"

"I'm dating someone"

"Oh really" For some strange reason, the discovery hurt but not as much as she had thought it would. Yet, her blood boiled. How dare he tell her that so casually!

"That was fast" she added, cheekily

"Actually" He paused "We started going out while we were still together"

"Oh! So you were cheating? Why am I not surprised? It seems there are quite a lot of lying, cheating, and slimy scumbags in the world."

"Heeeey! Ayomi"

"What? Isn't that what you are? So why did you take me out? Why did you organize the photoshoot? What sort of twisted game are you playing? What sort of BS is this? Did you just want to hit it one more time before quitting it?"

"Ayomi! Don't say things like that. What has gotten into you?"

"Anger"

"I felt guilty, okay? Your insecurities caused a lot of issues in our relationship but I had a part to play, I liked you but I cheated, it's stupid but I did it. I think I love her though and I'm changing."

Ayomi scoffed, "You're such a child. Love my foot. You definitely don't respect her or me. I certainly dodged a bullet with you."

"Oh really, did you? Well, are you trying to dodge another one? Because Damian is a decent guy"

"And you know that how? From talking to him for how many minutes? And how is it even your business?"

"PV sent him to me for a photo shoot since he's out of town"

"PV"

"Yes, PV sent him to me and when he found out I was in the neighbourhood, he strolled down for a chat. Guy was preaching to me less than 10 minutes after we met."

"Whatever"

"Ayomi, you say I'm such a child but you're the one being childish here. I'm trying to make peace; I'm coming clean though I don't have to but you're just vexing. I thought you said you were born again now"

The anger and energy seeped out of her as if multiple holes had been created all over her body. She suddenly felt weak.

"How dare you use that against me?! Does Christianity make a person stupid?" she wanted to shout but somehow knew she should not.

She walked behind Tolu to his car, opened the door to the driver's seat and sat.

"I thought you guys were laughing at me, or about something that had to do with me. I messed up the last time I was with him. I'm still working on loving me and accepting me and being proud of me." she said in a rush of words but Tolu understood.

"I know. I get it and I think he does too. It was obvious he hated the way you treated him just now, he was pained; I could see it in his eyes. And he didn't know what to do. Just talk to him about it or at least get over it early. You don't need all this pressure, you're a cool chic."

She kept quiet as she thought about it.

"This does not mean we're friends." She said to Tolu "How are we even supposed to be friends?"

He laughed, "I don't know but something tells me we can pull it off"

She shook her head, "Silly child. This guy, you cheated on me!"

"We're not dating anymore and from the looks of things, it doesn't matter. You are not even pained"

She hissed "You're not alright. It will be awkward"

"No, not really. We're already laughing."

She sighed, "I'll think about"

"Yeah, Christians are forgiving" he added

"I didn't ask you"

He grinned, "I can go now. I knew I wouldn't be able to get myself together if I didn't confess and if things ended on a sour note. Thank you Ayomi"

She shrugged.

"You can keep the flash." He said, as she got out of his car for him to get seated.

"Hehe. Thank you o"

He winked, "You're welcome" he started the car "Seeing as you'll be dating a church boy, you do know that you can't do the do until marriage."

"Oh shut up!" she rolled her eyes as he laughed "And you're a deaconess' son, your mother would be so sad"

"Na today"

"I shake my head for you. You know what, I actually look forward to being celibate. I can't put myself through what I went through with you again, it was such a rollercoaster. And it's not like you still didn't cheat."

"Touché" he paused "But we were apart all through service year now, when my body is not wood."

"You're a sinner. Please be going"

He laughed, "Keep it locked o. Christian girls are only allowed to sleep with their husbands. It's even safer sef, in case you break up with church boy."

"This is why I said we can't be friends. Get out of here"

He zoomed off laughing.

"I regret being with you!" she shouted and he honked his horn.

"Stupid boy"

Mmesoma had said in passing once that she should not get in the sheets with Tolu or any other guy before marriage, she should have listened. She sighed and walked into the house. Sola, John, Hannah and Tobi were waiting with smiles and a steaming hot bowl of Jollof rice and chicken. It was good to be home, running away was definitely not the way forward.

*****

"Help me to see me the way You see me. Sometimes I see pain Lord when You see victory. I see where I am Lord, You see where I shall be. Open my eyes, help me believe, I am what You see." Ayomi sang along during the worship session in church the next day. "I am what You see, help me believe Lord" she added.

It seemed the playlist Mmesoma sent was the worship set for that Sunday service, she made a mental note to thank her after service. For the first time, she knew all the songs Jubal was singing and it felt wonderful. She heard her pitch rise step by step with each song. The first time she had been in the service, she wondered why the ladies had been so excited, in that moment she got it.

Jubal raised 'You Call Me Beautiful' by Planetshakers and she joined in "You have crowned me with favour and with peace. You have silenced the lies I once believed. You accept me, You claim me as Your own. You're never letting go, You're never letting go. I am not my mistakes; I am a child of God. You have called me by name. I'm home in my Father's arms. I am amazed. Caught in the wonder of Your love, cleansed by the power of Your touch. Father, You call me beautiful."

"Thank You Jesus" she said, wiping away tears that would not stop falling. Ayomi felt light and free! She could not see it but she felt there was a glow all around her, the kind Mmesoma had talked about.

"I am chosen not forsaken, I am who You say I am. You are for me, not against me, I am who You say I am." she sang Hillsong Worship's 'Who You Say I Am', louder than everyone around when Jubal switched to it. "Who the Son sets free, oh is free indeed, I'm a child of God, yes I am. In my Father's house, there's a place for me, I'm a child of God, yes I am."

"This is the truth! This is the truth" she shouted in her heart "I'm free, free from being held captive to the expectations, free from self-hate. I'm free from all that to serve the living God." If she had known God had an answer to the issues that had disturbed her for years, she would have started coming much earlier.

"Hallelujah" Pastor Kola said a while later and they sat to listen to the Word. The instrumentalists were still playing and many people kept singing even though they were seated. She looked at her phone's screen briefly to check the time because worship had gone on longer than it ever had since she started attending the church. As she did, she saw her picture. She had saved one of the pictures Tolu brought as her wallpaper. All the pictures had been lovely but that one had been the most striking to her. It was one of the first ones they took before she had her makeup done. He had edited it a bit but it still looked exactly like her and she loved it.

"It is what it is and it is beautiful" she thought, smiling at her image on her phone's screen and wiping away tears "I will never let you steal the Word from my heart again or deceive me, devil. Even a king is held captive by my beauty; that is the truth."

"Come dear" Pastor Kola reached out to Pastor Nikki and handed the microphone to her. It looked like she was crying. Everybody stood up again and Jubal continued singing.

"I don't know what's going on but I feel the presence of God so strong in this room. I feel someone just had a breakthrough and it is so beautiful. The Lord showed me a shell shattering and a beautiful princess in a royal robe coming out. She had been in that shell under the torment of the evil one but it just shattered and she did not come out looking like what she had been through; she came out beautiful." Pastor Nikki said as her husband held her free hand.

Former Ayomi would have scoffed but she was starting to see the truth. It was awkward, it was supernatural but it was okay. Many times, normal reasoning did not have the answers to the deep things that troubled the heart.

"There's someone here, that's for you." Pastor Nikki continued 'You've been delivered from lies that have weighed you down for years. God says He intends to save a generation through you, He says you will liberate many of His daughters with your songs" she kept sobbing as she spoke "You've been held bound for so long because the enemy didn't want your ministry to see the light of day but hallelujah! You're free!"

Ayomi wailed along, mostly in shock "Wow"

Her dad's words came back to her "surprises, surprises, surprises"

She laughed as she cried "Thank You Jesus for surprises!"

"You're free! You're free. And to everybody else in the room, God says never doubt that He loves you. Let His love define you, don't let the enemy tell you lies. You are beyond the world's system. You are God's child; you belong to Him. You were created in His image, in the image of the Almighty God. The King is enthralled by your beauty; honour Him for He is your Lord. The King's daughter is all glorious within! When I consider thy heavens, the work of thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which thou has ordained; what is man, that thou art mindful of him? And the son of man that thou visits him? Thou made him a little lower than Elohim and crowned him with glory and honour. For we have not received the spirit of bondage again to fear; but we have received the Spirit of adoption, whereby we cry, Abba, Father.

We are Your sons and daughters! Lord, You know everything there is to know about us. You formed our innermost being, shaping our delicate insides and intricate outsides, and wove them all together in our mothers' wombs. I thank you, God, for making us so mysteriously complex! Everything You do is marvelously breathtaking. It simply amazes me to think about it! How thoroughly You know us, Lord! You even formed every bone in our bodies when You created us in the secret place, carefully, skillfully shaping us from nothing to something. You saw who You created us to be before we became who we are! Before we'd ever seen the light of day, the number of days You planned for us were already recorded in Your book. Every single moment You are thinking of us! How precious and wonderful to consider that You cherish us constantly in Your every thought! O God, Your desires toward us are more than the grains of sand on every shore! When we awake each morning, You're still with us. Thank You Lord."

"Thank You Lord" Ayomi whispered.

*****

"Mum is back o, she said you must come and visit. She saw pictures from the orphanage outreach" Mmesoma said. She had followed John, Sola and Ayomi home.

"Sure. Let me know when" she dropped a plate of spaghetti and meat balls in front of Mmesoma

"Thank you Sis Sola!" Mmesoma shouted, and Tobi who was in her arms, stirred.

"No problem dear" Sola called back. John and Hannah were with her in the kitchen.

"Where's your own food?"

"This is it now" Ayomi replied

"You better go and add some more. Start eating like a human not a rat"

"I have a tendency to be fat" she said from her default settings "Sorry" she corrected herself

"It doesn't matter. Don't eat too much but don't starve yourself. We can always work out."

Ayomi laughed, "Noted"

"How was believers' foundation class?"

"It was great, Meso! There are so many promises in the Bible. Like everything that has ever disturbed me, I'm sure there's a verse for it. I can't wait to dig in. And everyone there was so cool and friendly, they answered all the questions people were asking, I didn't ask any question sha but I had a great time."

Mmesoma grinned, "Awesome"

"So how are your men?" She asked, skillfully getting a fork of spaghetti in her mouth without nudging Tobi.

"Talked to Tolu. I should show you my pictures, they are beautiful!"

"You're beautiful" Mmesoma said

Ayomi smiled, "Thank you for being in my corner, you're the kind of friend every girl needs."

"Anytime dear. So what did you people say?"

"We're not a couple"

"Duhh" she chuckled, "Tolu is not the one. What about Damian?"

"We haven't really spoken"

"Why? Ayomi now"

Someone rang the doorbell.

"I'm coming"

"Hi Ayomi" Damian stood at the door with a bouquet of flowers "Don't laugh, I know it's cheesy"

"That's the last thing I feel like doing" she admitted, the tears were on their way out, as usual.

"Ayomi, it's not even a wedding proposal" she reminded herself and smiled.

"I don't like Theresa like that, I don't like any other girl like that" She glanced briefly at Mmesoma who was trying to see what was going on. She stepped out to stand next to Damian and shut the door behind her.

"I like you a lot Ayomi. I want to get to know you. If you would have me, I want to build something beautiful with you, something that lasts" he paused "Is that too serious? I don't even know how to do this"

She laughed nervously, it felt surreal.

"I only have eyes for you Ayomi. I choose to only have eyes for you. You're the one I want. Would you go on a date with me? Like a real date, no Lucy, no lines to practice, no walking around the estate; just me and you like a couple. Can we take the next step together?"

"Yes" she nodded shyly and collected the flowers "I'm game."

Ayomi felt like a new person. She felt free and light like she had stepped into a world that only a few ladies lived in. It was a world free of competition and inferiority. A world in which her gifts and her appearance were not relative to anybody's. It was a world in which she could be completely authentic. She was becoming her own person. There seemed to be endless opportunities in front of her and she was excited.

Who would have thought her life could change or begin to change so rapidly? The truth surely sets people free, free indeed.

"And you wanted to hand him over to Theresa like that. Just dash out a correct guy on a platter of gold" Mmesoma had stepped out.

"Shift jor" Ayomi laughed. Damian looked away shyly.

It was the start of something new *wink*

(END)

About the Author:

Gbemisola Deborah Akinsipe has a passion for writing, seeking God's truths about life and pursuing purpose. She published her first book at the age of 13 and has authored other books since then. She is a graduate of Chemical Engineering from Covenant University, Ogun State, Nigeria. She has been privileged to serve women and young girls on different platforms and uses stories to tackle real-life issues.

Next to the Mulatto is the fourth story in the 'Beautiful in God's eyes' (biGe) series.

For more information, you can contact Gbemisola.

Email: adeibinu@gmail.com

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/gbemi_akinsipe/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/gbemi_akinsipe/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/gbemisola.akinsipe

 Ephesians 1:4, 6. The Passion Translation (TPT), The Message (MSG), King James Version (KJV)

 1 Corinthians 3:9. Amplified Bible (AMP),

 Ephesians 2:10. New International Version (NIV), New Living Translation (NLT), KJV, AMP, TPT

 Psalm 139:13. MSG, KJV

 1 Corinthians 3:23. Good News Translation (GNT)

 1 Corinthians 12:27. MSG, TPT

 1 Peter 2:9-10. TPT

 Galatians 4:6-7. TPT

 Song of Songs 1:9-11. TPT

 Song of Songs 4:7. KJV, TPT

 Song of Songs 1:5. NIV

 Song of Songs 6:3-4. TPT

 Song of Songs 6:9. TPT

 Song of Songs 7:5-6. TPT

 Proverbs 23:7a. KJV

 John 14:6. KJV

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 Hebrews 11:3. KJV, TPT

 Hebrews 6:5. KJV

 Luke 11:28. KJV

 John 10:35. KJV

 Luke 4:4. KJV

 Luke 8:11. KJV

 Ephesians 6:17. MSG, KJV

 1 Peter 1:23-25. TPT

 Isaiah 40:8. KJV

 Isaiah 55:11. KJV

 1 Thessalonians 2:13. KJV, MSG, TPT

 Guaranty Trust Bank's mobile transfer code.

 Matthew 13:20

 1 Samuel 16:7 Good News Translation (GNT), Contemporary English Version (CEV)

 Psalm 45:11, 13. NIV, KJV

 Psalm 8:3-5. KJV

 Romans 8:15. KJV

 Psalm 139:1, 13-18. TPT

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