This stuff happens to me all the time.
It happens in my normal life.
It happens during shows.
I had a show not too long ago.
A group of four women came to my show and
one of the women in this group of four has
something that's called achondrophobia.
For those of you who don't know what that
is, that's a fear of little people.
Alright?
And that shit is real, OK?
It's real and it's not, "Oh, he's kinda creepy."
It's more like, "What the f is that?"
OK?
Like, it's nuts.
Now, here's the best part of the story.
The three friends brought this woman to my
show, sat in the front row.
All of them knew she had achondrophobia and
they were all just sittin' there like, "This
is gonna be a hoot.
Oh my God.
This is gonna be so good.
Now, I'm all for a good practical joke.
I love a good prank.
Just warn me.
OK?
Send me a tweet.
An e-mail.
Something so I know it's gonna happen.
If I would have known that this woman was
afraid of little people, I would've run on
stage wearing a Viking helmet, just [cheeks
shaking] like, I would've had a good time.
But I didn't know!
So, I walk out on stage like I'm gonna do
my normal show.
I reach up to grab the microphone.
Before I even touch the microphone, this woman
stands up and in front of the entire audience,
just goes, "JESUS CHRIST!"
Remember, I don't know why she's doing that.
I'm trying to do a show.
Woman yells Jesus Christ, I start looking
around.
Is Tim Tebow here?
So, I look at her, I'm like, "Sweetheart,
what is wrong with you?"
And she goes, "I am afraid of little people."
Alright.
First of all, fuck you.
OK?
How could you be afraid of little people?
It's not like this shit is contagious, alright?
I can't walk up to you, bite your knee and
you go, "I'm melting."
That doesn't happen.
So I asked her.
I said, "Why are you afraid of little people."
I'm gonna tell you what she said.
Just, please understand this is what she said,
OK?
Not what I said.
I didn't go home.
I didn't write this down, like oh, I think
that this would be really funny.
I don't think this is funny.
But, it's what happened.
So, here we go.
I say, "Why are you afraid of little people?"
She goes, "Every time I see a little person,
I just know they're gonna rape me."
What the fk?!
That happened at a comedy show.
A comedy show.
Then, her three friends were looking at me
like, you can make that funny, can't you?
No, I can not make that funny!
What's my comeback?
You're not my type.
Are you kidding me?
So, I look at this woman.
I understand it's a delicate situation.
So, I look at her.
I'm like, Sweetheart, I get it.
What you just said is the most horrific thing
that could ever happen to another human being.
But, what you have to realize is that what
you just said, is impossible, OK?
It's impossible.
It can't happen.
There's no such thing as midget rape.
OK?
Does not exist.
Now, ladies, if you're in the audience right
now and you're one of these people and you're
fearing midget rape, just know there is one
move you can do.
One move you can do that will stop all forms
of midget rape.
It works 100% of the time.
Here's the move.
Just [Mmm]!
Some of you are waiting for another move.
No, that's it.
That's all you do.
Palm, forehead.
Bam.
Like, you do that.
I'm stuck wavin' just, [heavy breathing] Oh
wow, Brad, that's insane that you met one
person that has achondrophobia.
No.
I've met quite a few people that have it.
It's pretty common, which is weird.
I've even met one celebrity that has it.
Don't worry.
I'll tell ya who it is.
OK?
John Stamos.
Yes.
That John Stamos.
Yeah.He's got achondrophobia.
I didn't know that until I did a show with
Bob Saget, his co-star from Full House.
I had a charity show with him.
Saget rolls up to the show with John Stamos
and Dave Coulier.
They are still all friends, which is awesome.
I'm sittin' in my dressing room.
All of a sudden, Saget bursts into my dressing
room.
He's like, "Brad, you have to come meet John
Stamos."
And I'm sittin' there like, Well, yeah.
I love the show Full House.
Uncle Jesse.
Jesse and the Rippers.
The catch phrase "have mercy".
I would love to meet John Stamos.
He goes, Brad, you don't get it.
Stamos is terrified of little people.
Then I know what I must do, Bob Saget.
The plan goes into action.
Saget runs into his dressing room.
He starts talking to Stamos, distracting him.
As soon as Stamos turns his back, I know that's
my queue.
I run in.
I see Stamos.
I run right up, I grab his leg, I start humpin'.
And this is, this is not a comedic hump.
I am hate f-ing his leg, OK?
I'm gonna tell you this right now and understand
this, John Stamos screams like a bitch.
OK?
He does.
He looked down, saw me, "Ahh!", like just
started freaking out.
Then he starts kicking his leg, like that.
Like he starts kicking his leg, like I'm some
horny cocker spaniel or something.
But you're not gettin' me off 'cause I have
little pug arms and when I latch on, I f-kin'
latch on.
So, I'm good.
I am riding his leg like it's an out of control
fire hose.
Dude, this is the rodeo.
I'm surviving for eight seconds, OK?
While this is happening, Saget is on the floor
laughing.
And then, in a moment that I could not write
if you gave me a thousand opportunities, Dave
Coulier walks into the dressing room, sees
me humping Stamos's leg and without missing
a beat, "Hey Brad!
Cut it out!"
I can die now.
This is my life.
It's insane.
Stuff happens here.
Stuff happens when I travel.
Stuff happened when I took a trip recently
to Brazil.
I went to Brazil for the World Cup.
And that was amazing.
It was an unreal experience.
But I'm gonna tell you guys something right
now.
Brazil is scary.
OK?
It's scary, 'cause I thought it was all that
[dance sounds].
It's not.
It's scary.
Like black guys from Detroit are like, "I
ain't goin' to Brazil, mother f-ker."
I didn't know it was scary until I apply for
a Brazilian Visa.
Then they handed me a pamphlet.
This pamphlet said five easy steps to survive
in Brazil.
Yeah, they don't do that when you go to Italy,
OK?
It'll be one step.
Make sure you wear a helmet when you're on
the scooter.
Caio.
Like, that would be it!
Not Brazil!
Step number one, make sure at all times, you
carry on you a fake wallet and a fake cell
phone for when you get mugged.
Key word there, when you get, not if, when.
This is gonna happen.
Step number two.
Make sure you blend in.
Try not to stand out in any way.
F-k!
How do I blend?
This does not blend, OK?
I am the worlds largest keychain.
Do you understand that?
This doesn't, the only way I'm blending is
if I get off the airplane, there's 500 of
my people going, "We represent the lollipop
guild."
That's it.
So, I go to Brazil and I got mugged.
I did.
Yeah, I got mugged.
I got mugged after the USA/Germany game.
Yeah, I watched the game.
I go out to the corner.
My friends say, "Hey Brad, we're gonna go
get a cab.
"Wait here.
We'll bring the cab to you."
I say fantastic.
I'm waiting there.
All of a sudden, something long and hard jams
into me.
At first I'm kinda like, ooh, somebody likes
me.
But I look over, nope.
That's a gun.
That's a gun.
And the guy goes, "Wallet.
Phone.
Now."
But then I realize, I read the pamphlet.
I have a fake wallet and a fake phone on me.
I'm almost excited to be mugged.
I'm like, "Oh my God.
I've trained for this."
I hand the fake wallet and the fake phone.
He takes it and he runs away.
My friends see what happened.
They run up to me very concerned.
Brad, oh my God, are you OK?
We saw it happen.
Are you hurt?
I'm laughing the entire time.
They're like, Brad, why are you laughing?
I'm like, Because I read the pamphlet.
I gave him the fake wallet and the fake phone
and three days before I came to Brazil, I
was really bored.
I took the fake phone.
I took about 38 pictures of my dick.
I did!
I was bored one day.
I'm like click, click, click, click.
Click.
Now I'm just picturing this guy going home,
I got a cell phone, I got a cell,
what the f-k?!
Why does a dwarf have a bigger dick than
me?
America!!!
