 
### Lulu Lopez Vs. the Wicked Witch of West Texas:

### A Magical Time-travel Odyssey

### By Zelda del West

### *****

### Published by Zelda del West – Smashwords Edition

### Copyright  2018 by Zelda del West

### First edition

### http://www.zeldadelwest.blogspot.com

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to your favorite ebook retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Special thanks to Laurel Bustamante and Kynde Kiefel for invaluable advice and support for this admittedly absurd project. Without all of their very kind contributions the world may never have been alerted to the foul creature that calls herself "The Wicked Witch of West Texas."

**Disclaimer** \-- (Read this before going any farther): This book is classified as "fiction," which means that it is, in no way a representation of real people or events. Fiction: made up, imaginary-- if you find commonality with any character in this tome, it says way more about you, for good or ill, than about the book. It's not about you. No character is based upon you, except, perhaps in your own mind and no situation is drawn from any events you may have really participated in. We cannot and will not be held responsible for the chaotic contents of your overactive imagination however ridiculously fertile that terrain may be. Some parts of the story you may find suggestive and even seductive, while some events may accidentally resemble things that could happen, but this is merely coincidence. The only part of this book which is not fictional is the legalese stuff in the front matter and the part where I, Zelda del West, claim authorship. That's all true.

Prologue

I, Zelda del West, have reluctantly decided it necessary to write an account of events that befell an innocent girl from Walla Walla whose singular misfortune it was to be related to the Wicked Witch of West Texas, formerly known as the Wicked Witch of Western Washington, and before that as the Wicked Witch of Walla Walla. (It should be noted that after the events related here, the Wicked Witch has not been seen in Texas. She does have the resources to keep several lairs in several dimensions for her devious purpose, so it's always difficult to ascertain her precise location. However, there have been some sightings of her in fabulous attire, looking astonishingly glamorous in several Oregon locales. Suffice it to say she was overdressed. Suffice it to say also that her place name designation is likely changed.

For those of you familiar with her reputation, none of the wickidity contained herein will come as a surprise, but many, sadly, are unaware that wicked witches truly exist, and that they carry out misdeeds, sinister and terrific, daily. Many believe that even someone as famous for her wicked ways as the subject of this narrative is merely a flake with wild outfits and an over-realized vocabulary. Wicked witches are well served by this misunderstanding, as it deflects serious scrutiny and the vague, murky and disorienting effect is an element of their stupefying glamour. I have, therefore, set out to inform the public of the hazard these witches pose, purely as a public service and for no other reason. This, my dear readers, is a cautionary tale, so take heed. The girl who is the subject of this book, very kindly agreed to cooperate with its writing for this very reason: to shine the harsh light of day upon these denizens of half-light and mostly-dark.

This book is pseudo-truish, with some parts imagined as they must have occurred. You'll have to figure out for yourself, though, which parts are truth, and which parts are imagined, because you might as well learn right now not to trust everything you read. Even a harmless account of semi-factual events like this one could have a nefarious intent if it were written by someone less beneficent than I, your humble scribe. Some of the names have been changed to protect the mostly innocent. The Wicked Witch of West Texas is obviously not one of them. Add to these disclaimers the very real possibility, given the malleability of time, and the known proclivities of the witch in question to mess about with such material, that the factual events in the book, those that really happened, may now not have really happened at all, and could possibly have been replaced by other events that, at this writing, were only semi-factual or entirely made up, but which may now have become factual. Some things might even have become real that were entirely unimaginable at the time that the things that happened happened, which now might not have happened. Conversely, if things happened that didn't, then they may, subsequently, have been altered into the form in which they happened. This is somewhat difficult to ascertain in the realm of a fictionalized account of the possibly real or unreal or possible or impossible.

Ambiguous as the situation is, one might as well treat the entire thing as a total fabrication. It is equally valid, therefore, to regard it all as complete and literal truth. This, of course, precludes ponderment of precisely what "truth" even means, since that isn't a subject of universal agreement and thus introduces murkiness into the cloudiness of the ambiguity resulting in absurd levels of unknowability. Also, be careful what you wish for, because this story has proven one thing: it might just come true. If you do it right, it will.

All of this is to say: BEWARE.

Perhaps one should heed the advice of one reader of this tome who wishes to remain anonymous: "I advise avoiding the book." Simply opening this book unleashes such a wave of particles of dimensions of chaos into one's existence that it is truly unadvisable to even possess this text. So, set it down and walk away. You probably won't, though. You've already opened Pandora's Box, so come on in. The water is strange and filled with creatures that are the stuff from which dreams are spun. The kind of dreams you barely remember and aren't sure you want to. These very sorts of dreams found their way into the waking lives of the family that lived in the brick house at the corner of Rose Street and Pomegranate Lane.

Chapter 1: When a Stranger Calls

"Tell me right now to whom I am speaking," a voice like poisoned sour apple candy demanded at the other end of the phone line. "And curtsey when you talk to me. It saves time."

Lulu was taken aback by this rather rude-seeming opening, and wasn't sure how to respond. She'd never been told to curtsy while on the phone.

"Uhh," Lulu hesitated, "this is Lulu. May I ask who's calling?" She replied as her dad, Jake, had taught her, still trying to be at least semi-politish, but she was sure she was only partly successful.

"The Wicked Witch of West Texas, that's who, you little fool, and I'll get you, and your little dog Bob, too," the poison sour apple voice replied. "I'm coming for you through my trans-multi-dimensional portal, so get ready. Y'all are comin' to Texas. Tell that brother of yours to get ready, too, because he may as well come along. I can always use more taco slaves."

"I don't want to go to Texas, you stupid wicked witch," Lulu replied, using her defiant tone to disguise her confusion, "and you can't make me," she added, without curtsying. She stuck out her tongue at the phone, even though the supposed witch couldn't see her. Then, she hung up, another thing Jake had told her to do if a "weirdo" called.

"If you answer the phone and some weirdo is saying something rude or that doesn't make sense, just hang up," was what Jake told her. This is always good advice and Lulu was right to follow it. Weirdos, incidentally, were a subject upon which Jake often weighed in, priding himself, as he did, on his highly developed normalcy sensibility.

Lulu wondered if this was someone's idea of a joke. If so, that person didn't really understand humor very well, and had seen too many movies featuring witches. The fact was, she'd never been anywhere near Texas, and she'd never heard of a wicked witch from there. Certainly, someone calling herself "The Wicked Witch of West Texas," who was threatening to kidnap her qualified as a weirdo—even by the rather lax standards of Walla Walla, where she'd recently seen a neighbor walking his goats on leashes, while his dogs were unleashed. This, obviously, was the exact opposite of local statutes, which would have required the dogs be leashed.

Of course, Lulu didn't know that the witch had seen her stick out her tongue and she had also seen Lulu's failure to curtsy. Lulu could be forgiven for not knowing because she also didn't know that the witch was calling on her crystal ball. Lulu could also be forgiven, by most, for not complying with such a rude demand issued by an unknown caller. Most people who answered such a creepy phone call would react exactly the same way.

Even so, the witch was unaccustomed to defiance, particularly since she'd gone into hiding in West Texas. Again, Lulu had no way of knowing this, having been spared the knowledge of the witch's very existence. Said witch's minions and lackeys were too terrified of her, fearing transformation by magical means into an albino sea slug (or something even worse) if they annoyed her, such that nobody dared even speak in her presence, so you see, she was quite surprised by Lulu's attitude and she was even more determined to do something very bad. If there's one thing nobody needs, it's a nemesis, or worst enemy for that matter, whose first name is "Wicked." It might have been better if someone had told Lulu some of the family secrets before that call came, because had she known the story she may have been more careful.

Jake would later remark that "hindsight is twenty-twenty," when her mom, Anne, pointed this out.

"What's twenty-twenty?" Lulu asked.

"It means perfect vision, or perfectly okay, at least," Jake explained.

Lulu figured out he meant that you could always see reasonably well what you should have done in the past, but without the option of time-travel, there wasn't much you could do about it, while with the option of time-travel, one could never be sure that what was done in the past was done at all. Not that she had thought about time-travel at that moment, or that Jake knew about it, but after her experience with the witch, Jake's statement would come to mean more to her, so when thinking back on the subject after learning of time-travel, she had to assume Jake was also considering the possibility of going back in time to warn Lulu of the call before it came. For the record, that would be giving Jake way too much credit for forethought, afterthought and hindsight. Second sight and precognition were both blind spots and remain so. He was also in need of bifocals and a colonoscopy, but that's beyond the purview of this tale.

"The day of the freaky phone call," was what Lulu would later call it. It was the phone call that would change everything, like when the guy calls to tell you you've just won six million dollars and you can also eat all the ice cream you want, except that this was bad. It was more like if the guy called and told you that you won a trip to the beach, but the beach was home to a herd of Komodo Dragons and you couldn't get out of going and there were no weapons allowed because Komodo Dragons are a protected species and that ice cream no longer existed. As a Komodo Dragon is a killer 150 pound venomous lizard with a nasty habit of eating people, you can see why this would be an undesirable situation.

Lulu liked Komodo Dragons quite a bit, because they were gross and dangerous and she liked to picture strange bad things happening. Particularly if the strange bad things were gory and horrible and befell people who had irked her. She once imagined a Komodo Dragon showing up in the school cafeteria and eating her math teacher, for instance. That was after the math teacher made a joke about a dog eating Lulu's homework when she forgot it at home. Bob didn't eat paper, nor did any dog Lulu knew. Then, as sometimes happens, the imaginary bad thing got out of control in her imagination and she imagined that the Komodo Dragon finished her math teacher and then started eating everyone in the school, so she had to imagine that she locked herself in the bathroom to avoid being eaten until the police showed up and killed the Komodo Dragon -- even though it's protected-- and she came out of the bathroom to find body parts and blood and guts everywhere, which was a little more than she had wanted to imagine and she was kinda sorry she'd started the imagining. Once you imagine something it's really hard to un-imagine it, so it's good to be careful what you imagine. This was the advice Lulu always gave herself after an imagining gone bad, and then she immediately forgot the advice until the next imagination mess. Imagination messes were often, she'd found, the hardest sort to clean up. Time-travel, it would seem, might also be a good thing when it came to the mind-mess of too much imagination. That would really be adding a second layer of imagining, in a sense, which could complicate the matter nearly infinitely.

But that has nothing to do with the horrible phone call, which was the phone call that changed everything.

Up until that very moment, Lulu was a normal, if slightly morbid, twelve-year-old girl from a perfectly normal Walla Walla family. Well, to be fair, her family only appeared to be normal to those who were young enough, or forgetful enough to not recall a few unfortunate events of decades past, but to also be fair, the family had done a fair bit of obfuscation regarding those events in an attempt to seem perfectly Walla Walla normal. The dark secrets they buried on foggy nights under moonless skies would come to shock and haunt and bedevil, vex and bewitch the town, in that order. It has been said that those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it. Lulu, for one, won't be forgetting her aunt any time soon, nor the horrible experiences related here. Though, after the phone call, her life would become vastly more complicated and way more confusing in ways she might like to forget. And her family would become way less normal, or rather, they would have their real weirdness revealed, or not, depending on Walla Walla's collective memory. Maybe that conclusion has yet to be reached.

If it hadn't been for that dreadful phone call, Lulu could have gone right on not knowing about the witch.

As it happened, Lulu and her brother Reggie learned that wickidity ran in their family. In fact, it practically galloped.

**C** **hapter 2: Creepier and Creepier**

"Who was that on the phone, Lulu?" Jake asked, having entered the room just in time to see her stick out her tongue at the receiver and hang up.

"It was nobody, just some person claiming to be a witch. She says she's going to get me and Reggie and Bob and take us to Texas, wherever that is."

"Oh, no. That wasn't nobody. You'd better tell me exactly what she said."

"Hey, what's going on?" Reggie asked as he came in followed by Lulu's little dog Bob.

"Sit down, Reggie, and don't interrupt."

"But..."

"Sit." Jake ordered pointing at a chair. Reggie was about to argue some more, Lulu could tell, but then saw how serious Jake looked and thought better of it. Bob also sat, but nobody noticed, so he trotted off to Lulu's bedroom.

Lulu recounted the conversation with the wierdo several times, as Jake kept making her repeat it. He sat there shaking his head and saying over and over: "This isn't good," as if saying it more times was going to make it better.

"Tell me everything she said, Lulu," he demanded yet again. She'd once tried meditating and had to repeat something called a "mantra" over and over. Jake seemed to have found just such a phrase.

"This isn't good," he said, running his hand through his hair in such a way that it stuck up all over as if he'd been electroshocked. Lulu imagined him getting electroshocked and convulsing uncontrollably.

"This really isn't good." His hair was still standing on end, aided by his stupid hair gel which made it stiff and icky looking.

"I just told you everything she said at least ten times. The story won't change just because I say it again."

"This isn't good."

"I think you mentioned that."

"Just tell me again, and don't leave anything out."

"You're out of luck now. I just forgot the whole conversation." Lulu twirled her hair and batted her eyelashes, as Jake scowled.

"It only lasted ten seconds. How could you have forgotten it?"

"My point exactly." Lulu scowled back. "I told you what she said."

"Here," she grabbed a note pad and a pen from the coffee table. "I'll make you a list."

Here's the list Lulu made:

The Wicked Witch of West Texas intends to kidnap me and Reggie and Bob.

Maybe not Reggie. She wasn't clear on that point.

She's got a dimensional portal.

She wants taco slaves.

She's somewhere in West Texas (a place I don't believe exists).

She's a complete lunatic.

She called me a fool.

The End. That's all she said. (Except the lunatic part.)

Lulu handed the notepad and pen to Jake, who stared at it dumbfounded. At least, Lulu thought, it shut him up so she could imagine things.

Lulu was already imagining what it would be like to be kidnapped. It was probably horrible, she thought, but also it could be a little exciting. Would the witch tie them up? Definitely, she decided. She would escape, though, like Houdini, because she was going to start practicing that right away. Then she'd have to fight the witch. She'd look for anything that could be a weapon and the first thing she would do would be to knock the witch's wand from her hand. The witch might have a backup weapon, though, like a sword or something. Maybe she'd lose an arm and she'd come back and have to get a hook, which would make her the best pirate in Walla Walla.

Even as she repeated the conversation yet again for her dad she tried holding her left hand like a hook. It would have to be the left since she wrote with her right, and she didn't feel like imagining how she would write if she didn't have the right hand. With the left it would be kinda cool. She'd look really scary with a hook instead of a hand, and she'd probably be able to get out of PE whenever she wanted. At least she wouldn't have to do the rope climb, which she hated because she wasn't good at it and Reggie was.

This is when it first occurred to Lulu to subvert an imagining, which she quickly did by instead imagining a costume involving a fake prosthetic.

electroshocked

"There's no such thing as wicked witches, though," Lulu pointed out, hoping she wasn't going to have to repeat it any more. There was simply nothing left to tell, and she couldn't see why her dad was getting so worked up anyway.

"It was just some weirdo who's seen too many movies and wants to be a witch," Lulu theorized, "so she sits around all the time imagining she is one and since nobody cares about her she calls people on the phone and tries to scare them. She's just a weirdo."

Jake looked up from the notepad and shuddered, his complexion having gone as pale as, well, a ghost, which Lulu didn't actually believe in any more than she did witches, having been told about their un-realness plenty of times.

"Yeah." Reggie put in, his sulkiness making clear he was not happy about Lulu getting center stage for so long. "Witches are just made up."

"Unfortunately, kids, that's where you are mistaken. Maybe you should sit down while I tell you about my sinister sister." Jake began to pace in front of the couch, clutching the notepad to his chest and sighing like a pathetic sparkly teen vampire in love, though he looked more scared than that. He looked more like a sparkly teen vampire in love who just found out he'd drunk blood infected by flesh eating bacteria. He was turning positively puce to boot.

Lulu was appalled at his maudlin posturing over a crank phone call and the more he huffed and puffed and turned mauve, the more sure she was that he was up to another one of his "jokes." They always involved ham acting and stupid plots. He'd probably paid someone to place the call just so he could engage in these dumb shenanigans all weekend, which he would later call "educational." She wasn't going to fall for this one, she decided. Not like last week's supposed tainted cereal scare that turned out to be because Jake didn't want to share the Choco-Saur Crunch. Or the time he paid random strangers at Pioneer Park to offer Lulu and Reggie candy to show how easily they could be lured away. After that he tried to make them both wear WWJD bracelets.

"You're lying again," Lulu said. "You don't even have a sister."

At this, Jake actually fell to the floor and began to gag, writhing around as later they would have occasion to see an unfortunate hex victim do. Even for a drama king like Jake, this was taking things a bit far, but perhaps he'd been working on his technique. Lulu wondered if he'd been taking acting lessons.

"I do. I do have a sister," he gasped between sobs. Yes, sobs. He was now crying and emitting wounded animal sounds and a lot of snot. This was somewhat entertaining. However, Lulu was starting to suspect he wasn't joking, but other than that she had no idea what to make of this development.

"You don't have a sister," Reggie reiterated, redundantly, but Jake took no notice of the repetition. Reggie glared at Jake, who still was acting like a princess who'd just mistaken hair removal cream for conditioner and wound up bald. Lulu smiled a little despite her attempt to remain stoic. She imagined Jake bald and wearing a rainbow sequined gown, his tiara having fallen off due to lack of hair. A bald, psychedelic princess with the face of an insane pug. She imagined putting hair removal cream in his hair gel, or perhaps his leave-in conditioner. Her face muscles hurt. She considered a fake cough, but knew she'd not be able to stop once she started. A tear welled and spilled down her cheek.

"Don't worry. I know exactly what to do."

"Lulu," her mom called from the kitchen, "come help me make the enchiladas for dinner."

Lulu pictured the enchiladas and held her breath until the image of the colorful princess went.

"Not now, Anne," Jake howled at his wife, followed by a donkey-like braying sound. "What will we dooooooo?"

"Is something wrong?" Anne asked coming into the family room. She gasped when she saw Jake. Apparently, whatever Jake was trying to pull, she wasn't in on the plan. Or she _was_ in on the acting lessons.

"The Wicked Witch of West Texas just called Lulu."

"What? Who called Lulu?" Asked Anne, turning to face Lulu.

"The Wicked Witch of West Texas," Lulu and Jake said in unison. Anne was in on it, Lulu thought.

Anne just stared at him for a moment. She looked a little stiff. It was a good thing she wasn't a real actor because she'd never get a part.

"I think it's time I told the kids about our least favorite relative." Yeah. He'd worked on it, but she could still see the doofus underneath the mask.

"Oh, my." Anne looked like she'd discovered a tarantula sitting on top of her tuna casserole. Lulu thought that would be pretty funny if it happened. She pictured Reggie not noticing it and accidentally putting it in his mouth. It would probably bite him on the tongue. Lulu wondered if tarantulas were poisonous. Reggie would turn purple or something and keel over, and she'd have to try not to laugh, which she was just about to do. She pictured her math teacher writing a problem on the board, but even that was barely helping. To make matters worsely hilarious, Jake was starting to hyperventilate. Another tear slipped down Lulu's cheek.

"Don't cry, Lulu, it's bad, but we'll think of something. You see, the Wicked Witch of West Texas, also known as my sister, has been out to get me for years." Jake grabbed a tissue from the box Anne held out to him, blowing his nose loudly before he continued. "Once she even tried to kill me by spraying me with a cloud of poison fog. I barely survived." He dabbed at his eyes – prissily, princessly even, Lulu thought. He'd never managed real tears before. Maybe he was finally losing it. Going crazy, that is. Maybe he'd get locked in the attic. She imagined him up there tromping around, wailing, while the family ate dinner. It could have advantages. Slumber parties would be way more creepy. She choked a chortle with cough-ish huff before regaining her composure, but luckily it sounded like upsetness.

"You're just making up more stupid stories like Doofus McGoofus," said Lulu. "Remember that one?"

"The witch is real. Indubitably." Anne assured them. She could see that Lulu still had doubts.

"But why? Why would his sister, of whom we have never even heard, try to kill him? And why would she call threatening to kidnap us? And what is this crap about tacos? I'm dubious."

"She went away a long time ago. Before you were born, Lulu." Jake propped himself up on his elbow, and dried his eyes, regaining some composure, at least for the moment. "And don't say bad words."

"What about her trying to kill you?"

"Well, it's a long story. The first thing you have to understand is that she's a witch. She was always a witch. Even when she was a kid. She was just born weird."

"Okay..." Lulu didn't know what to make of this assertion. "So, this, uh, your sister, the witch, wanted to kill you. Why would that be?"

"How do you guys think I know so much about freaks and wackos?"

Lulu wanted to answer, but she picked at an imaginary thread on her shirt.

Jake sat up, cross-legged, blowing his nose again.

"It's a long story, but we were in the back yard conversing, you might even say arguing, when she suddenly pulled out something that appeared to be a fire extinguisher, but turned out to be filled with a putrid green and purple fog. She sprayed it at me and the cloud surrounded me. It was horrible."

"Stay calm, Jake," Anne touched his shoulder.

Jake shuddered as he recalled the incident and Lulu was afraid he was going to start crying again. She really hoped he wouldn't. She missed his less good acting.

"It was choking me and smothering me all at once." His voice cracked as he began his tale. "I felt like my whole head was on fire and frozen solid. It was the worst feeling imaginable. The only reason I survived was that I attempted to run away just as the witch made her move and most of the poison fog missed."

Lulu smiled a little picturing it, in spite of the fact that it really was scary and if Jake caught her smiling he'd probably go into some faux-hysteria and then she'd be really sorry. The thing was, poison fog sounded incredibly cool. You could keep it around in case someone came in the house and wanted to do something horrible, like kidnap you, for instance. She doubted this was a good time to point out the potential up-sides of poison fog, though. He'd probably blubber for a week. He often boasted of his endurance.

"It was pretty awful. It should have killed me," Jake whined and Lulu cringed and Anne looked serious and Reggie picked at a scab. What Jake didn't mention, because he was unaware of it, was that the fog did kill four flies, forty-two mosquitoes and a mole that was burrowing underground.

Lulu wondered if the witch had any more of this poison fog stuff. What if she did and it was inside of something in the house? Like a hairspray can? Someone could try to use hairspray and then... well she didn't want to picture what would happen. She was never going to use hairspray, she vowed. Even if she was dressing up like the Bride of Frankenstein, which she sometimes did. She was going to have to will herself to stop imagining hiding places for poisons before next Halloween, or things were going to take a drab turn.

"My own sister. She tried to KILL me." He was getting weepy again.

"But why would she want to kill you?" Lulu asked her dad, who had gone silent. She wondered about non-aerosol styling products – other than gel.

"Like I said. It's a long story, and I've avoided telling you for all these years because, well, I just didn't want to have to think about my horrible wicked witch of a sister. I was too traumatized."

Lulu noticed Reggie scrutinizing her and gave him the dirtiest look she could.

"I remember when I watched the Wizard of Oz when I was like, five, and got all freaked out and you told me that wicked witches didn't exist. Now you tell me that I have an aunt who is one? And that she tried to kill you?"

"What are you trying to say, Lulu?" Jake asked, giving her a pained look. Anne looked away, shaking her head.

"I don't know. This just seems a little sudden. Are you sure you aren't up to something again?"

"Lulu. This is serious. Tell them, Anne."

"Lulu, Reggie. Listen to me. It's true," Anne said. "He really does have a sister and she really is a wicked witch. She did actually try to kill him." Anne looked worried and disgusted.

"I don't understand. Why didn't you tell us about her? And why would she want to kill you? Or kidnap me?" Lulu asked her dad.

"You see, Lulu and Reggie, the witch was sure, still is, actually, that I stole her poison-neutralizing bezoar, which she brought to Thanksgiving dinner," Jake explained.

"What the heck is a bezoar?" Lulu asked.

"A bezoar is a very nasty large hairball yacked up by some animal. In this case a non-existent cat."

"Gross," Lulu scrunched up her face, and for a moment she wasn't sure she wanted any cheese enchiladas for dinner, "But why would a witch want a disgusting hairball?"

"Well, that part doesn't make much sense. But then, a lot of things the witch says don't seem to make sense. The witch claimed that the bezoar was coughed up by something called Schrödinger's cat at the exact moment he was both alive and dead during a time-travel thought experiment. The fact that the cat was composed entirely of thoughts, making it mostly imaginary, and that it was the only creature in the known universe that had time-traveled made the bezoar a one-of-a-kind object of immense magical importance, or so she said. It's best to take what she says with a grain of salt, though, even if it's a grain of radioactive salt."

"That's ridiculous. How can an imaginary cat upchuck a hairball in an imaginary experiment?" Lulu objected. "The hairball would also have to be imaginary."

"Yeah. What a stupid story," Reggie said. Jake turned to look at Reggie like he'd forgotten his presence. He winced and then turned back to Lulu to continue the explanation.

"I told you. She doesn't always make sense, but that doesn't make her any less dangerous. There are plenty of people, in fact, who don't make any sense who just happen to be the most dangerous people in existence. Killer clowns are an example of the genre."

"That doesn't explain why she'd want to kill you," Lulu pointed out.

"She believed that because of the supposed strange origins of the hairball that it had very special poison-neutralizing powers, and she had added some extra enchantments to it as well, because after taking up wickidity she didn't trust anyone. She came to dinner that day and, after touching the hairball to all of her food, she somehow misplaced it. I remember her wrapping it in a napkin because it had gravy on it after she treated her mashed potatoes."

"She touched it to her food?" Lulu was appalled, as would be most people with good sense. "That's disgusting." She'd like to see this bezoar for herself, though she wasn't sure she'd be able to touch it to her food. She decided to read up on poisons as soon as possible because if she knew all about them she'd have a better chance of avoiding them. The thought of hairspray still troubled her.

"Okay, so the bezoar was supposed to neutralize poison, which then led to her poisoning you?"

"The witch's expectation that someone in her immediate family would poison her, along with the loss of the enchanted bezoar, was probably the reason for her relocation," Jake continued. "It's probably also why she never comes to Thanksgiving dinner anymore, which isn't something anyone is complaining about. The truth is, I wouldn't have touched the disgusting hairball for anything, but try telling her that. She's not the easiest person to reason with, since she's crazy. You were just a baby when all of this happened."

Lulu could barely believe what she was hearing. A wicked witch? Poison magical fog? An enchanted hairball? Said witch right here in Walla Walla, at the Thanksgiving dinner table? Could it be true? She did get the creepy phone call. That much she knew. But the story Jake was telling her was almost too much to be believed, which was not without precedent.

But then, there was that package under the tree last Christmas. It had her name on it, but her parents claimed not to know from whom it came. When she opened it there was a witch doll inside, but no note or anything. Lulu still remembered the look on her parents' faces when they saw it. The witch doll disappeared almost immediately and her parents claimed that she'd misplaced it, even though she knew better.

"Why would she think you'd poison her?" Lulu asked.

"Like I said, I tried to reason with her," Jake continued his story. "You have to have a fairly bad conscience to be so afraid of being poisoned by your own family members that you will actually touch a gross, disgusting hairball to your food, right? I have no reason to fear being poisoned. Except, as the witch pointed out, by her. That's when she pulled the poison fog capsule out of her purse and let me have it just to prove her point."

"But you ran?" Reggie asked.

"That poison was supposed to be enough to kill an ox. It's a good thing I was wearing my lucky socks, or I wouldn't be here right now."

Lulu knew better than to say anything about his "lucky socks." She traded a glance with Reggie. Even he wasn't going to touch that subject. Not even if it meant a chance to assert himself as the center of attention. Better to face a murderous witch than be fossilized by accreting boredom.

"That was the reason I reacted so quickly. It's also why I always wear lucky socks now. So, if you ever start in about "there's no such thing as lucky socks," just remember that you would be an orphan if it weren't for lucky socks. No, you wouldn't even be that, because this all happened before you were born. You would never have been born if it weren't for lucky socks. Or if you were, you wouldn't be you because you would have a different dad which would mean you'd be a different person. You just think about that next time you want to get smart with me about my lucky socks."

He'd just said she was a baby when it all went down. Lulu, Reggie and Anne all dropped their eyes to the carpet, as if there might be some discarded candies littered about which Bob overlooked. They didn't actually drop their actual eyeballs, but they may as well have because nobody would even look in Jake's direction.

This was why nobody ever discussed the subject of lucky socks with Jake. He tended to rant about it because nobody believed his theories. He attributed every good thing that happened to him to his lucky socks. For example, the previous week he found a quarter on the ground. Nobody even bothered to disagree with him when he started in about how his lucky socks had just made him twenty-five cents richer. It wasn't worth the trouble. Likewise, when he later lost the quarter through a hole in his jeans pocket, nobody breathed a word about socks. Or anything that rhymed with socks, or even almost rhymed, or featured too many sounds in common with, as in syzygy. There was no point in speaking on the subject of socks or accidentally glancing footward. When something bad happened, he would simply say those particular socks had worn out their luckiness and he'd get rid of them unless they became lucky again during the same wearing, which often happened.

"I really don't understand why you never told me about my aunt being a wicked witch. It seems kind of important," Lulu remarked, trying not to sound too harsh. She was actually struggling to disguise her rising irritation, but she didn't want to risk him crying again.

"Yeah. Why didn't you tell us? We had a right to know." Reggie stood there with his arms folded in front of him, looking offended.

"It would only have scared you," Jake explained. "Parents have to tell their kids that there's no such thing as witches or monsters and stuff like that, so that kids won't be afraid."

"I'm going back to the kitchen," Anne said, and turned to leave. "I'm not the one who insisted the kids shouldn't know, and I have tortillas to make."

"But if you knew she existed, then wouldn't you want us to be warned about her?"

"What good would it do? I figured I'd tell you if you ever needed to know, and otherwise, you'd be happier if you thought that nothing so horrible was possible."

Lulu thought about the many things Jake had, at one time, assured them needn't be worried about. The list was long enough she might not even remember a fraction of them and they were all back on the table as possibilities. Then there was the stuff that he assured them did exist. Killer clowns, for instance.

Jake let out a loud sigh. Maybe he should have been more forthcoming regarding family secrets. Because of his unfortunate history with his twisted sister, he knew it would be just like the Wicked Witch of West Texas to kidnap Lulu and Reggie, and perhaps even Bob. In fact, although he hadn't told anyone, not even Anne, the witch had called several times lately, asking him an ominous question: "Have you checked the children lately?" Then she would just hang up. It was troubling, but he wasn't sure what he could do about it, which was why he hadn't said anything. He didn't know yet about the witch's plan to create an intergalactic taco conglomerate, but if he had, he'd have been even more concerned.

"I am going to have to do something about the wicked West Texas witch. I may have to go see the Marginal Wizard of Calamity Flats and hope that he has some idea what to do about this mess."

What he didn't say was that he had little hope that anyone could really stop the witch if she was determined to make trouble, and knowing her, she probably was. He definitely couldn't fix the real problem, which was that the witch was his sister. Jake slumped forward and buried his face in his palms. The witch coming back after all this time away was just too much to contemplate. His reputation in Walla Walla would be re-ruined and he'd probably have to relocate, particularly if she decided to re-occupy the town. That much was clear. The stories he'd made up about her supposed retirement to a nice place in the country weren't going to work again.

The fact that Jake still looked so disturbed was starting to worry Lulu. He hadn't yet broken character at all, and more concerning was the fact that her mom hadn't either. She usually barely played along. The big reveal should be soon and usually that meant Jake starting to puff up, but he seemed now to be deflating, if not imploding. She studied his sagging posture. It was all wrong. She felt a little ball of warm anticipation beginning with a flutter around her belly, like she'd swallowed some fireflies and they were happy, singing even, as they glowed, which seemed wrong for news of a real witch on the warpath.

What she had seen of wicked witches in the movies and on TV indicated that they were usually absurdly ill-tempered and unfriendly. Books she'd read were of the same opinion, though she'd always been assured they were fictional, which meant that if there _were_ witches, these books may well have been slander. Lulu was glad she'd taken it upon herself to sneak-read so many books that her parents would deem "inappropriate" now that she knew they'd been holding out on her. (And luckily, the subject matter of these tomes was not limited to witches.)

Sources, Lulu knew, didn't necessarily agree on what, exactly, witches did to kids. Some held that they dined on them, while others had them turning kids to mice, or worse. Yet others featured vague threats and horrible minions; poisoned fruits and imprisonment. None of it was good. There were simply too many horrid possibilities for Lulu to know what evil she should be imagining, making this threat disturbingly ambiguous, yet specific.

What Lulu hadn't worked out is why witches were so bent on doing bad things. If witches could really do magic it seemed to Lulu that they would want to do nice things in order to make everyone happier, like turning all the Komodo Dragons in the world into nice, gentle giant lizards that people could ride like horses and train to do tricks, or turning all the broccoli into rainbow sherbet. Probably, Lulu thought, there was some flaw in her thinking. Perhaps there was some other horrid critter in Komodo that needed eating and the lack of dragons would create an imbalance. The idea of magic was working on her.

"She can't really do magic, can she?" Lulu asked her dad.

"Yes. Unfortunately she can."

"I don't believe it," Reggie said. "She's just making things up to scare us. You've always said there's no such thing as magic."

Jake took his wallet from his back pocket.

"Look at this," he said holding out a picture he'd withdrawn from one of the pockets.

"Eww, that's horrible looking. What in the world is it?" The critter in the picture was some kind of hideous rodent-like thing with a misshapen head.

"Well, Lulu, it's a Hot-Headed Naked Ice Borer, and it's also your second cousin, Laurie." Jake sounded sad.

"I don't have a second cousin, Laurie," Lulu said.

"It's true you don't any more, or at least nobody really knows. There was a report some time back of her having been spotted at the South Pole, but who knows what's happened to her since. She actually was very average looking until she made an unfavorable comment about my twisted sister's chain mail prom dress."

Lulu and Reggie stared at the picture. For a moment neither knew what to say.

"The wicked witch was just a beginner back then," Jake said, staring at the picture. "Poor Laurie. She was really very nice and I doubt she meant the prom dress comment in a bad way. All she said was that chain mail was a weird thing to make a prom dress out of. I mean, her tone was a bit snide." He looked wistful as he stared out the front window toward the street corner.

"Most people also don't know that the witch is the source of the Pacific Northwest Tree Octopus. They didn't even exist until some guy in her Spanish class annoyed her by using the wrong tense. Then she turned his girlfriend into one too, just for good measure. She said it was so he wouldn't be lonely, but everyone knew it was pure spite."

"Do you think that witch is really going to get us?" Reggie asked. The picture was pretty awful. It might not be real, though, he told himself. Maybe their dad was just trying to frighten them yet again. Like the time he tried to convince them that he'd fought off an evil clown named Bad Clowner who'd tried to rob them when everyone was asleep at night. Jake had even made a cardboard and duct tape helmet for his supposed nightly battles, but this was different. He wasn't claiming credit for any act of heroism, which his tall tales always included. No, if anything, Jake looked slightly horrified. That couldn't be good.

Reggie had gone pale, Lulu noticed. She was glad he hadn't read any of her books on the subject of witches, or he'd probably be passing out by now. He was a year younger than Lulu, so she felt that she should say something to reassure him.

"Don't worry Reggie, the Marginal Wizard will have a solution." When she got her dictionary and looked up the word "marginal" she was somewhat less than reassured. It was defined as: "Of minor importance or of a low standard of quality."

"Really, Reggie, marginal means: very skilled and effective." She rationalized that it was probably alright to lie in order to make her brother less scared. Even though she had pretty clearly been taught that lying was always wrong.

But then, Jake once told a lady at church that her hair looked lovely, only to tell Anne on the way home it looked like a beetle-infested topiary created by a one-armed blind man using a dull chainsaw, but he didn't say so because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. So, she had gathered that lying was sometimes done for good reason and the reason usually involved feelings. This, Lulu thought, was a case of lying for a good reason. There was no sense in Reggie being scared if he didn't have to, but unfortunately, Lulu couldn't tell herself anything reassuring.

There also was another case of lying she didn't want to think about, and that one involved her dad, her mom, and her evil aunt. Her dad said he did it so they wouldn't be scared, which was her reason for lying to her brother. Lies and truth were beginning to be more confusing than she had ever thought possible. There was, as well, another puzzling factor. The enigma of "Uncle Al," whom Lulu had encountered visiting her house on several occasions, but whom her parents insisted did not exist. They called him an "imaginary friend," positing that Lulu made him up or worse, imagined him. She'd always known they were wrong. Now she questioned their motives.

Reggie did feel a little better after Lulu mentioned the Marginal Wizard. Not for the reason Lulu would have thought, however, but because it occurred to him that the wizard was a boy and he was sure boys were better than girls, so he'd know more than that West Texas witch. He didn't say this to Lulu, though, because she would probably tell Jake, or worse: she'd twist his ear and then he'd tell Jake and they'd both get in trouble for fighting.

Unfortunately Reggie couldn't have been more wrong about the wizard's superiority. A Wickidity Warrant is the highest magical attainment and only a handful of officially certified Wicked Witches actually exist. There are a number of Vile, Evil, Horrid, and Diabolical Witches that would all be truly undesirable enemies, but all of them put together don't compare to the Wicked Witch of West Texas.

And as for the Marginal Wizard, the only thing he was truly qualified to do was read your aura, so going up against a wicked witch with his help was a bit like trying to fight off a tiger with your farts. The only thing you could possibly accomplish was to make the creature angrier. Add to it that the witch had lately put out a wanted poster depicting the Wizard, and offering to not punish any party who turned him in. According to the poster, he'd stolen something valuable from her. Thus you get an idea just how little good his help would do them. In fact, one would surmise, the only reason the Marginal Wizard was still a mammal was that the witch had been mighty busy with the grays.

Lulu had no way of knowing this, but Jake suspected at least part of the truth. He couldn't simply do nothing, though, and the Marginal Wizard was all they had in the area.

"If only they'd hire a real wizard," Jake said. "They must know the Wicked Witch of West Texas has ties to this area." Alas, Calamity Flats was the only town around with a wizard budget and it was only a few dollars, so they had to take what they could get. It was more than a little odd, in retrospect, that they could get a wizard at all.

Chapter 3: A Ring to Remember

It wasn't long after she banged down the phone receiver, cutting short her conversation with the Wicked Witch of West Texas, that Lulu, Reggie and Jake were driving up into the Magical Mountains toward Calamity Flats.

"Witches," Lulu explained in what Reggie called her know-it-all voice, "use all kinds of creepy stuff in their potions. Stuff like eye of newt, toe of frog, scale of dragon, and wool of bat, or at least that's what I read." She was secretly very interested in what this wicked witch would be like if they met. Of course, though she did sound horrible, all kinds of interesting things might happen if you got involved with a wicked witch. Way better stuff than usually happened in Walla Walla. Walla Walla does have its charms-- the headless ghosts of Marcus and Narcissa Whitman who still prowl the grounds of the mission near town being among them. Not to mention the several dimensional portals left behind by the then Wicked Witch of Walla Walla, which nobody really knows about until they happen into one. Those people, if they do return, deemed crazy and shunned.

These doors presumably could come in handy for one who might be an aspiring wicked witch, but surely that won't be applicable to anyone reading this text. Granted some locales, like Walla Walla, for instance, have qualities that might engender in some people of unusually adventurous leanings a more than average yearning for exotic experiences.

One small part of Lulu's brain, a part she knew she should make shut up and most likely the same cerebral region that was responsible for excessive imaginings, was telling her meeting a witch might be the most exciting thing she'd ever done. Maybe the whole town of Walla Walla would get a plague of giant zombie flesh-eating caterpillars for instance, that would have everyone running, screaming down the streets. That would be exciting to see. If it happened Lulu would lock herself in the car until they were done, because flesh-eating caterpillars would have no way of getting in the car. Then she'd watch everyone freak out until the National Guard came and saved her. Walla Walla needed a little livening up, that was for sure.

"Why's it so dark in the middle of the day?" Reggie asked as they descended into twilight driving down the mountainside into the valley.

"I have no idea," answered Jake, turning on his headlights, "but it certainly is strange. Especially since it's just noon."

What Jake didn't mention was that the darkness in the middle of the day could be taken as an omen, and it was probably a bad one. He didn't mention this because he didn't believe in omens. The witch did, though, and his disbelief didn't keep him from having an uneasy feeling about it. On this, of all days he'd have preferred no such foreboding signs. He reminded himself that intelligent people do not believe in such supernatural nonsense, and decided to eject the notion from his brain. He also reminded himself about his socks. They were lucky enough, he hoped, to cancel out a bad omen.

When they finally arrived, Jake pulled the car into a parking lot at a strip mall.

"I don't know why it's dark," Jake stated, "but I'll bet the Marginal Wizard had something to do with it." He hoped so, because a logical explanation would defeat the silly superstition of all that omen nonsense and because if the Marginal Wizard were responsible for this it might indicate competence. Lulu and Reggie followed Jake toward the store, which the sign declared to be "Magic Mountain Fudge Factory."

Somehow the commonplace little strip mall wasn't exactly what Lulu pictured when Jake mentioned going to see the wizard. It wasn't at all reassuring. One tends to picture a wizard in a dark forest dwelling, or, conversely, someplace fabulous that was all done up in exotic jewel tones. Maybe a brick road, and enchanted forest, a quest. Not a strip mall, and definitely not selling fudge on the side. She hoped the Wicked Witch of West Texas didn't turn out to be just a crank in a storefront too, which would be hideously disappointing. Then she reminded herself that the witch was her enemy, but the fireflies were still there.

"Don't mind the dark, just a little potion spill. I'll have it cleaned up in a matter of minutes," declared the weird looking guy with frizzy red hair and bulging blue eyes who towered over the fudge counter. He was wearing a white apron and a purple wizard hat and was looking through a very big book. He seemed flustered, which Lulu also found not-reassuring. He was panting and pulling at his beard and she was sure his eyes would soon pop right out of his head and go bouncing around the interior of the fudge shop. They'd probably land inside the huge copper pot of fudge to his right. Eyeball fudge. Gross.

Jake, for one, was reassured by the wizard's explanation about the potion spill. There was no omen, he realized, just one incompetent wizard, so he had his logical explanation and also an indication that the wizard was legitimate. Later events might lead Jake --temporarily-- to reconsider his dismissal of the omen, but for now, at least, he felt a lot better.

"Special on peanut butter rocky road cherry delight today," the wizard called out, smiling an awkward smile. Lulu thought he actually looked scared. What she didn't know was that his Marginal license didn't allow him any access to potions at all. That required a Wickidity Warrant, and he didn't even have his Perniciousness Permit. There was a very real, and frightening, chance of his catching the attention of a certain really _wicked_ witch, who would not look kindly on his behavior. This witch, as was mentioned earlier, had a very real reason, in his mind, to punish him and a penchant for punishing people without cause, even if they were friends.

"We aren't here for fudge," Jake informed him, but the wizard, if indeed this strange character could be believed to be a wizard, looked so discombobulated that Lulu and Reggie ended up with a square of fudge each. Reggie instantly began stuffing the fudge in his mouth, getting quite a bit on his face, as Jake explained the real reason for their visit.

Lulu gave him a dirty look. She hoped the wizard would help them and Reggie's grossness wasn't going to impress him. Reggie responded by opening his mouth and giving her a view of chewed up rocky road fudge, which made her so mad she kicked him. Luckily, Jake didn't notice and Reggie's mouth was now so full all he could do was groan. She wondered what would happen if he started choking on all that fudge. Does the Heimlich Maneuver work on a gooey ball of fudge? She couldn't say, but she thought it unlikely. It would be interesting to find out, though. She considered kicking him again to see what might happen but Jake glanced at her and she thought better of the idea. She'd try to remember to experiment with it later. Lulu decided to save her square of fudge for exactly that reason. Well that, and the fact that there was a long-haired cat walking around on the fudge counter and she was sure cat hair fudge was probably overrated. Eyeball and cat hair fudge. Lulu smiled.

"Hmmm," The Marginal Wizard said stroking his beard as Jake's explanation became ever more convoluted and started to reference things as varied as astronomy and toe fungus. Lulu could tell the wizard was just pretending to follow the whole thing and probably was hoping they'd leave soon, as he kept glancing at what looked like a television remote by the cash register.

Lulu looked at Reggie standing there with fudge all over his face and, for the first time since the phone call that would change everything, a very promising thought occurred to her. Perhaps the witch would show up someday and take him. Or maybe she'd just turn him into a monkey, or something like that, and she could keep him for a pet and feed him bananas and teach him to get her a glass of water or sandwich when she was reading. That would be really cool. He could ride on her bicycle handlebars and do other stupid tricks. She'd take him everywhere with her. That would be the ideal use for a brother and it made for an excellent imagining. He wouldn't even mind his transformation, because he basically acted like a monkey most of the time anyway, Lulu thought. And if he really were a monkey, nobody would mind that he acted like one. Lulu smiled at Reggie as sweetly as she could. He opened his mouth again to show her the slimy ball of fudge. Perhaps she could send the Wicked Witch of West Texas a plea for help. It seemed her only hope. She concentrated on projecting a message to the witch.

Her parents called her sometimes dislike of Reggie "sibling rivalry," which they said was "normal." To Lulu that just meant they thought it wasn't very important. Lulu didn't think they took her annoyance with Reggie seriously enough. He really did do things to deliberately irritate her. She did things to annoy him, too, but only because she did things to annoy her. The worst part was that they told her that she'd have to live with him "forever" because they were family. But this wicked witch was, as they now told it, family. It might also be noted that Jake's older sister's annoyance with him had long ago been dismissed as sibling rivalry.

"Well, that is a problem," said the Marginal Wizard having listened to Jake's explanation, "But, luckily for you, I used to work for the wicked witch of whom you speak, back when she was Western Washington based, so I just happen to have something." He reached under the counter and took out a small box out of which he took a small object. "If you just buy this one-of-a-kind Magical Ruby witch-Repelling Bling Ring for Lulu she won't have to worry."

The wizard held out a cheap ring with a giant plastic ruby-colored sparkly "stone." It looked to Lulu like something one would buy from one of those machines you put a quarter in. It didn't appear to be an object that could have any kind of magical power, and especially not enough to keep away a wicked witch.

"If the witch does take her to West Texas," the Marginal Wizard explained, "all she'll have to do is turn the ring three times and say: 'There's no place to phone home,' and she'll be back in a flash."

"It's a little garish and possibly even tacky, don't you think?" Jake asked the Marginal Wizard giving the thing a skeptical look. Jake considered himself an expert in style and this looked positively gauche. He also had to wonder how the wizard obtained it and what it had to do with his former employment. He was pretty sure he didn't want that question answered. The term "plausible deniability" came to mind.

"If it weren't tacky it wouldn't work," the wizard told them, seeming to read Jake's skeptical look. "The Wicked Witch of West Texas is extremely aesthetically vulnerable. It is, in fact, her only real weakness. Merely showing her the ring should be enough to weaken all of her magical abilities, which will really repel her. But the real kicker is the escape charm."

Lulu thought about the bezoar and wasn't so sure about this statement regarding the witch and aesthetics. A big hairball coughed up by a dead and alive cat didn't sound like something very aesthetically appealing, or attractive even, but what Lulu didn't know was that historically bezoars were sometimes bejeweled and often mineral concretions rather than just hairballs. Queen Elizabeth was even said to have a highly prized bezoar ring. Lulu might also consider pearls, which are a sort of bezoar, but that is a pointless distraction from the story, which is supposed to be scary, cautionary and delightful, depending upon the predisposition of the reader.

Maybe what is beautiful is highly subjective, or varies from person to person, Lulu thought, yet there has to be some objective way to judge beauty. She decided she was going to have to do some reading on the subject when she got home, along with bezoars, and, she reminded herself, poison, and also hair removal cream. Several other subjects suggested themselves, as well. Still, the ring wasn't what she would have expected.

Lulu also thought that perhaps the wizard was just making up a tall tale to sell a worthless piece of junk to her dad, who was, in his desperation, willing to try anything. That would be a good example of what Jake liked to call "initiative." "Initiative is the mother of invention," was his favorite saying, which he usually spouted when someone complained of being sold some useless piece of junk. It didn't really matter, though, Lulu thought. If she was as powerful as everyone said, surely a plastic ring wasn't going to stop her. But then again, there weren't a lot of options available in the Walla Walla area for combating wicked witches and the more Lulu thought about it, the more questionable the endeavor seemed. Lulu pondered the possibility of fate and not for the last time.

"How much is it?" Jake asked, glaring at the plastic ring.

"It's $3.95, but if you promise me that Lulu will come be my apprentice as soon as she turns eighteen, I'll let you have it for 3 even."

"Listen, you Marginal menace: If you ever mention Lulu again in a sentence with the word apprentice, or pretty much any other words, I'm going to give you a taste of my special US government accounting training. You wouldn't want that, now would you?" Jake stared poisoned daggers at the wizard. (Lulu actually pictured little knives coming out of his eyes and going into the wizard. They were dripping with poison. Her x-ray vision could see something, though, inside of the wizard that seemed to be absorbing them, allowing the wizard to continue to live.)

The Marginal Wizard was also imagining. He pictured reams of paperwork and mind-melting bureaucracy and he was afraid. The witch hadn't mentioned anything about accounting when she'd offered him a way out of his mess.

Lulu saw him turn as pale as cottage cheese left out in the sun in the middle of July, and begin to shiver as if he'd been left out in a snow drift in January. She pictured flies landing on him in the sun, and then freezing from the cold. It was an interesting thing to see. He had olives for eyes in the cottage cheese. He whined a weak little whine. He was either a better actor than Jake, who still might have arranged this whole thing, having paid the fudge shop guy in advance for his participation, or he was really very scared of accounting. She knew accounting was probably boring, but what she didn't know was that the wizard suffered from four distinct phobias: arithmophobia, triskaidekapphobia, tetraphobia and hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia. If she'd mentioned her dog, Bob, he'd probably have passed out before the next, and most terrifying revelation, because he also suffered from aibohphobia.

The wizard, for his part, really just wanted them to go away. He wanted to be left in peace to nibble fudge and dabble in aura cleansing and chakra balancing. He wanted to play with his purloined potions. He wanted, most of all, to be finished with this business and back on the witch's good side. For a moment he even wondered if, perhaps, he hadn't gotten in a little over his head by practicing things for which he hadn't a license. And this mention of accounting was more than disconcerting.

"Please, sir, just take the ring as a token of my friendship." So Jake plunked down the $3.95 and the wizard handed the ring to Lulu. He didn't really want the Wizard as a friend, so he thought it best to pay, even though he usually regarded paying for stuff he could otherwise get for free as a shameful failure of initiative.

"The Wicked Witch of West Texas is my sister," Jake said to the wizard as he picked up the ring. The wizard's eyes went wild with terror and he started to make a weird gurgling sound in his throat. His color went from aubergine to incarnadine. Then he just sort of crumpled onto the floor behind the fudge counter. His color changes were chameleonic and fascinating.

"That was mean," Lulu said to her dad as she watched the Wizard writhe. The reactions people had when hearing about this witch were dramatic and more than a bit intriguing.

"How would I know he'd have a panic attack?" Jake turned and left the shop with Lulu and Reggie following close behind.

"What about me?" Reggie asked. "The witch is after me, too. Don't I get anything?"

"She swore a while back she'd get my first born. It's a common wicked tradition. They always take the first born, so as long as she can't get Lulu she'll leave you alone," Jake explained. Reggie still didn't think it was fair, nor was he really convinced by this line of reasoning.

Lulu, for one, hoped Jake was wrong and she'd become an only child. If the witch decided, for instance, that she wanted Jake's first born son, for which there was also wicked precedent, or previous example, she'd get her fondest wish and be rid of that nuisance they called a brother. The monkey prospect still intrigued her, though, and she thought it would actually be preferable to being rid of him. His becoming useful would be a miraculous transformation and _that_ seemed like an excellent use of magic.

Reggie crossed his arms and stamped his foot. "But maybe if she can't get Lulu, she'll just decide to take me instead," He argued. Lulu smiled, but said nothing.

"Well, the Marginal Wizard only had one Magical Ruby witch-Repelling Bling Ring," Jake pointed out as they were returning to the car. "And Lulu was the one who was specifically threatened, but we can go back in and see if he has any more rings that might help you."

"I don't want that kind of magical object." Reggie pictured how he'd get teased if he showed up at school wearing that ridiculous ring. "I was thinking a magical BB gun."

"You'd put your eye out," Jake said, laughing.

Reggie wasn't sure what was so funny, but he wouldn't mind wearing an eye patch sometimes, so he could look like a pirate. Or maybe they'd get him a glass eye. He'd heard about a guy who could take out his glass eye and show it to people. He could just imagine how that would gross out girls.

Frankly, Reggie couldn't imagine why a witch would want Lulu. She complained about everything. He was pretty sure the witch would like him better. He could handle all of the eyes of newt and wing of bat and stuff, if Lulu was right about that (which he doubted). Sometimes she _was_ right about things, since all she ever did was stick her nose in a book, but he wasn't going to admit that.

They were driving away from Calamity Flats when the sky cleared and it was daylight again.

"I guess the wizard sorted out his problem," Jake remarked. Jake suspected the wizard was violating some rule or other with the potion, but he wasn't sure whom one would report it to, other than the one person he least wanted to speak to, and besides, the wizard had tried to help. Just then an idea occurred to Jake.

"I know what you could wear to help you avoid the witch." He pulled the car over and rifled through the glove compartment for a minute before finding what he was looking for: a bright green plastic WWJD bracelet. He handed it to Reggie, who put it on, vowing to lose it as soon as possible.

"Thanks," Reggie said to his dad, as that was undoubtedly what Jake would say Jake would do and he didn't really want to get a lecture on that subject all the way home.

"Now you'll be perfectly safe, since I would always avoid the witch as I have for years now."

Reggie stared at trees and wished he'd not pressed the matter.

There was another obvious reason (besides not wanting to scare Lulu and Reggie) nobody had discussed the witch with them. The Wicked Witch of West Texas, who had once been a Western Washington-based wickidity bigwig, had moved to West Texas far away from Walla Walla, a place formerly so nice they had to name it twice. (A distinction it shares with New York, New York and Bora Bora.)

Lulu's parents simply thought the witch had become as uninterested in them, as they were in her. In short, they had put her existence out of their minds and gone on with normal everyday life. What they conveniently neglected to think about was that when the witch fled, she left behind a _reminder_ of her vocal and adamant promise to return.

You see, as a result of an unfortunate hex the Wicked Witch of West Texas had left behind, people in public places in Walla Walla were occasionally struck near-speechless, and could say only 'Walla Walla,' over and over to each other until the curse wore off. They'd be standing around having perfectly sensible conversations, when suddenly all of their words came out as "Walla Walla."

In fact, just a week or so before the horrible phone call, Lulu and Reggie were walking downtown when they suddenly came across a group of people just standing around saying it: "Walla Walla, Walla Walla, Walla Walla," over and over to one another, looking terribly befuddled. They'd been discussing important things like the weather, the economic impact of the price of tea in China and the relative virtues of paper towel brands, so you can imagine their surprise when their well-considered words began to come out as: "Walla Walla."

Lulu and Reggie just looked at each other and shrugged. Since the curse wasn't affecting them, and it was a commonplace occurrence, they weren't concerned. Of course, after meeting the Wicked Witch of West Texas Lulu and perhaps Reggie would know the truth, which they wouldn't dare reveal, not wanting their friends and neighbors to know they were related to a notorious witch. Well, that, and the fact that nobody would believe them.

That the witch left behind the Walla Walla curse when she relocated to West Texas should have told Lulu's family she meant to do further mischief, as should have her final words to them: "I'll be back."

Although Lulu's family knew what the curse was, the regular citizens of Walla Walla had no idea of its origins. In fact, people tried for years to figure out what this freakish anomaly could be-- with no success. One thing nobody ever thought to do was to ask Lulu's family about these weird scenes, mainly because they seemed to be a perfectly normal Walla Walla family like any other. This, after years of cutting her horrid silhouette from the family photos and vowing never to mention her ever, ever again.

Newscasters cast about for explanations for the weird phenomenon, but found none. For a while they reported the incidents on the evening news and in the paper, but as time went by and the Walla Walla scenes continued to occur, people decided they weren't really news anymore because to be news, something has to be new, and after a while they just weren't.

Scientists were, for a brief time, dispatched to study the phenomenon, but every time they showed up at the site of one of the Walla Walla scenes the curse lifted, leaving them at a loss. The scientists themselves were never afflicted because they had no explanation for the occurrences. Other people _saw_ the scientists in public acting as if the curse had befallen them, but they insisted those instances were simply something called a "control." People surmised that what the scientists felt they couldn't control, they also could not allow to exist. Eventually all mention of these "control" situations also ceased to exist.

The scientists concluded that the effect was psychosomatic, or, all in the imaginations of the afflicted, which Walla Wallans didn't appreciate. If there's one thing Walla Wallans don't like, it's a bunch of strangers showing up and telling them they're suffering a mass hysteria, or a collective delusion, for that matter. Or that they're just insane.

The army of psychiatrists who arrived found themselves falling victim to the Walla Walla curse and fled to safer places, like Cucamonga and Timbuktu and even way down to Kokomo. The Walla Wallans felt vindicated and were overcome with a German affliction called 'schadenfruede.' That really just means being happy when something bad happens to someone else, so maybe it's not just German. In fact, Lulu had an attack of it every time Reggie got in trouble and vice versa.

Nevertheless, with the wicked witch far away in West Texas, everyone in Lulu's family had nearly forgotten her, except for the moments when the curse fell on people. Lulu didn't really care about the curse, herself, since she'd seen it in action all her life and it seemed normal. She could hardly imagine what it was like to live in a town without any type of cursedness, or magical mystery, which she imagined to be kind of boring.

Chapter 4: Careless Secret

The more Lulu thought about it, the more irritated she was at the fact that her parents had kept such huge secrets from her. She couldn't believe that her entire life she'd been lied to about the reality of her family. Lulu hated secrets. Or at least she hated the ones that were kept secret from her and this was the mother of all secrets. Events like Christmas and birthdays were veritable torture until she was able to uncover what her parents were hiding in order to surprise her. Once she found out the secret that her parents were trying to keep from her, though, she liked having the secret that she knew what the secret was. Nobody ever knew that she knew the secret, because when it was revealed she would always act super surprised, too.

She even had special methods for unwrapping and rewrapping her Christmas presents so that nobody could tell. She knew all the places her parents thought were super secure. She knew where all the hidden keys were. There was one instance, besides the current witch situation, in which her parents had nearly driven her mad with a secret, and that was the birthday when Bob came into her life.

"Now sit there and cover your eyes, Lulu," Anne told her, even as the candles on her cake were still releasing little streamers of smoke into the air, "and no peeking or you'll have to give your present back." It was her ninth birthday, when Anne informed her that her present was waiting in the next room. Lulu's spine prickled as if she'd reclined against a cactus as she put her hands up to her eyes. What could it be? A microscope? A chemistry set? An ant farm? A cool vampire outfit with black sequins? The last thing was what she secretly hoped for.

Lulu could hardly imagine how they had kept her from finding out what her present was. She'd looked in every hiding place for weeks, and for the first time ever she'd been totally unable to find it. She looked under beds, in the backs of closets, in drawers, in the attic--everywhere. She even dismantled the refrigerator while her parents were out one day and when she couldn't reassemble it in time, was forced to blame the ghost of Narcissa Whitman, which, oddly, they didn't question as much as might have been expected. At the time she'd marveled at their belief of her far-fetched tale. Her parents then had to spring for an exorcism and a new refrigerator, which, Lulu reasoned was their own fault.

This time, however, was different and she was just about to explode with anticipation. She felt like an overfilled water balloon, and with the prickling in her spine that reminded her of a cactus, she could just picture a messy outcome. It was impossible once she thought about it not to picture herself exploding and spewing blood and guts everywhere. All over her parents, who hid her present so thoroughly as to make her explode, and all over her pest of a brother, and all over the birthday cake, and her mom's good dishes, and the nachos and everything. Her granny Lopez would probably faint. Her cousins, Cybil and Caleb would have their red running shoes ruined, or maybe not. They'd probably have to scrape parts of Lulu off the ceiling. It would be the grossest thing ever to happen in Walla Walla.

She smiled. That would be one birthday party nobody would forget and her parents would later tell everyone how sorry they were for hiding the present so securely that Lulu exploded. They'd have to have a big funeral for her because of all the people who would want to come to see what was left of the exploding girl. Plus, it would be on TV and in the newspaper. She'd be world famous. Maybe there would even be video. And everyone would have to wear black. They'd probably name a bridge or something after her too: The Lulu Lopez Exploding Girl Memorial Bridge--or maybe she'd get a statue. She'd make sure to come back as a ghost and haunt all kinds of things, too. She would haunt her family, and her school, for sure. Probably also her memorial bridge. And all because they hid her present, so it would serve them all right. She'd try her best to come back as an exploding ghost, so everyone had to relive the horror--over and over. Lulu would return every single day to some location in Walla Walla, sometimes the Red Star Department Store, sometimes Pioneer Park, sometimes Ft. Walla Walla. It would be the worst haunting ever recorded in all of history.

By the time her birthday rolled around, Lulu was positively writhing with anticipation. She was sure that they were keeping the present at some other location. Lulu would never forget when she finally opened her eyes and her mom held the wiggling, black and white puppy out to her. That was how she met Bob Barker, which is his full name. She'd sort of forgiven them for the torture they'd put her through because Bob was the greatest dog ever, so unlike any ordinary dog.

Bob was a dog of many talents, chief of which was digging. So talented at digging was Bob that he had created a vast network of tunnels throughout the neighborhood where Lulu lived. His tunnels allowed him to go underneath all of the houses and all of yards and gardens without anyone ever seeing him.

Sometimes he disappeared for many hours into his warren of tunnels, only to reemerge when he got tired of eating the critters he found down there. Little did the humans know, Bob's tunnels would eventually prove very interesting when wickidity struck. The truth of his excavations was far stranger than anyone suspected.

Reggie actually liked excavating with Bob, digging great holes in the fields and finding nasty things to gross Lulu out. Like the time Lulu found a two-inch long Jerusalem Cricket in her bed. In case you've never seen one, a Jerusalem Cricket is a really big, icky looking, striped bug, with big scary pincers.

As far as Lulu was concerned it was one of the most hideous things alive. Some entomologists, undoubtedly, would attest to their beauty because they really like bugs. Lulu liked reading about bugs, but the Jerusalem Cricket would have been in right by her feet if she'd have gotten in bed without looking. It could have bitten her, and caused her foot to swell to the size of a watermelon and then she might have had to get surgery. She would much rather read about such creatures.

Lulu liked to read about almost everything. She liked reading about monsters too, but didn't particularly want to meet up with one on a dark and stormy night. Many of her books portrayed that as the most likely way of encountering them. Neither did she want to encounter a big bug in her bed.

Reggie got in trouble for the Jerusalem Cricket affair and didn't get his dessert that night after dinner. Lulu made sure to savor every bite of her pineapple upside-down cake as Reggie sat without any. That, of course, made the dessert the most delicious Lulu had ever eaten.

"Mmm. This is the best cake you've ever made," Lulu told Anne as she prepared to take another scrumptious bite. It was Reggie's favorite dessert. She looked over at him to make sure he was taking it all in. He was, too.

"I don't care about not getting dessert," he told Lulu quietly as their mom was clearing the dishes. "Hearing you screeching like a whiney baby was worth it." His color deepened from fulvous to flammeous as she helped herself to seconds and thirds. Her only disappointment was that she couldn't eat enough to see him turn completely virescent.

Who, Lulu wondered, wouldn't get tired of a brother like Reggie? Why did her parents never understand that she was justified in getting angry with him? He gave her that self-satisfied look that made her want to punch him. She didn't, though, because she knew she'd just get in trouble. She vowed to wait until the chance to get revenge presented itself.

She read somewhere that revenge was like a dish of ice cream; it was best served cold. Which, to Lulu, meant it might melt if you waited and, truly, that was what usually happened. She usually didn't really feel like getting revenge any more after a little while, and eventually forgot all about it.

It might be worth noting here that she had the quote a bit wrong. It's really, "revenge is a dish best served cold," with no mention of ice cream. Lulu had mistakenly added the ice cream bit because it was also a thing best served cold.

Anyway, now you know about Lulu's family. Often she and Reggie visited their Granny Lopez who lived very nearby. Her wonderful cousins, Cybil and Caleb, lived in the same town in their very own houses. They were old enough they didn't need parents any more, or at least that was the impression Lulu had gotten.

Cybil and Caleb had their own business making red running shoes that were the fastest in the world. (This assertion was based on the theory that because red shoes create less light-resistance, they make you faster.) They made shoes for all of the best runners in the world and everyone swore they really did work to increase speed. In fact, nobody who was a really super fast runner ever raced without them, which proved that they were the key to racing success.

Chapter 5: Call of the Weird

After they returned from Calamity Flats, Lulu donned her tacky Bling Ring and expected to hear from the witch immediately. She found herself rushing to the phone any time it rang. One part of Lulu's brain told her that goading, poking, prodding, or in any way annoying witches was probably a risky idea, another part couldn't wait to break the news of the Bling Ring to the witch. And there was still the part of her that really was dying to meet her most mysterious, malevolent relative, even though meeting her could occasion actually dying. But then, Lulu believed in ghosts and could think of several advantages to being one.

She also thought that maybe, just maybe, (if nobody else was around) when the witch called she might let slip the fact that Reggie was still available for kidnapping and had no magical protection. Or perhaps she might vaguely suggest her monkey idea--if she could think of a way to bring it up without sounding like she wanted it to happen. She might just say something like "and I hope you don't turn my poor little brother into a monkey." Nobody would ever know. It was a long week of waiting before the phone call came.

"I'm coming to get you soon, Lulu," the witch professed in her most sweetish evil tone.

"I'm wearing a Magical Ruby witch-Repelling Bling Ring, so you can fly your mop out here if you want, but I'm not going to West Texas," Lulu informed her. Then she told the witch about the Marginal Wizard.

"Hmm," said the witch. "How dare you possess that ring? It's mine!" This made very little sense to Lulu, since the vulgarity of the ring was supposed to be something the witch couldn't tolerate.

"The Marginal Wizard said your powers were negated by this Ring. How can it be yours?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" the witch replied, sounding unperturbed. "Let's just say for the present, that there's quite a bit that Marginal pretender doesn't know. And the most important thing he doesn't know is how much he doesn't know."

"Well, if the wizard is wrong about the ring why don't you just fly out here and get me?" Lulu dared the witch.

"Well, the ring could, presumably facilitate an escape, but probably not in the way you think."

"I won't take it off and you can't make me," Lulu replied. "You foul, ugly old hag." Lulu stuck out her tongue at the phone yet again, and again the witch saw this in her crystal ball. "But Reggie doesn't have anything to protect him."

"How interesting that you should mention such a thing," the witch remarked.

"You might as well kidnap someone else because I'm not taking off this ring. And don't even think about turning my brother into a monkey."

"A monkey? Well, you are an imaginative little varmint, aren't you?"

"Well, now you can't get me..."

"I can bide my time, brat, and I don't anticipate it being a very _long_ time, either," the witch answered, after which the line went dead.

"Who was that?" Reggie asked as Lulu hung up the phone.

"Oh, it was just the Wicked Witch of West Texas again, but I told her she couldn't get us because of the Bling Ring." Telling the witch about the Bling Ring felt good as she hoped it would. The witch's response, however, killed her momentary feeling of satisfaction. She expected the witch to be angrier, to rant about being defeated. But the witch was calm. She even said she wanted the ring back, which didn't quite match what the wizard told them. That was worrying.

"Maybe we shouldn't tell her about that," Reggie pointed out, having followed Jake into the room. "Isn't it better to have a secret weapon? That's what they always do in the movies." Reggie liked the idea of a secret weapon and hoped that maybe Jake still could be convinced to get him one, too. In fact, now that the witch knew Lulu had the ring, maybe, Reggie thought, the witch would decide she wanted him. Then Jake would have to get him a magical secret weapon and hopefully it would be in the form of a bb gun.

"You don't know anything about witches," Lulu said to Reggie, as if she were quite the expert. "I know exactly how to handle the witch."

"By the way, Lulu," Jake said. "Your teacher called and said she wanted you to take off the Bling Ring today and you refused."

"I told her I couldn't because of the witch," Lulu explained.

"Yes. Well, don't tell her about the witch any more. I explained to her that you have wikiphobia, which is an irrational fear based on a fantasy about witches, stemming from a bad experience with overeating and watching a movie about witches. She seems content to let you keep the Bling Ring on for now."

"But I was telling the truth about the witch," Lulu objected.

"I know that, but your teacher wouldn't understand. You two run along and play, now. Just remember, no more talk about the witch at school, or anyplace else, for that matter. It's best to keep the family secrets a secret. And always remember that if there's something you don't understand, you can ask us." With that, Jake turned back to searching for the TV remote.

Lulu just shook her head. It seemed like some people were always contradicting themselves. She was sure she wasn't going to ask her dad about it. It did seem that this was a situation covered by the WWJD bracelet.

Chapter 6: Double Agent 00Bob

Bob emerged from under Lulu's bed, wagging his little stub tail. Lulu wondered for a second what he'd been doing, but when he turned and pulled his leash out from under there, she figured he had merely been looking for it so he could remind her about the walk.

Lulu was out walking in the field with Bob, when all the sudden she heard a screeching cackle and a familiar voice: "I'll get you, my pretty, and take you and your little dog back to West Texas." Lulu looked around but there was nobody nearby. Then, red door appeared with a crystal doorknob. Lulu nearly fell backward as the door swung open and through it, from the blackness beyond, stepped a being Lulu could only surmise to be the witch.

The witch was dressed in atrous hue, which Lulu had expected. But she didn't expect her to be wearing a sparkling gown of piceous-coloured sequins and burgundy fur. The sequins felt more like a million dark eyes--looking, seeing, shining, each with its own light. She wore a black flower on her dress and her lips were very red. She wasn't as ugly as Lulu had expected, either. Rather, she was weirdly attractive. Her strangest feature, by far though, was the mass of red and white striped snakes that writhed on her head in place of hair, making a hissing sound and darting tiny black tongues out of their mouths to sniff the air. They all turned to look at Lulu and Reggie as they squirmed against one another. Their scales glinted in the sun as did their many, many eyes. She wondered if the snakes were poisonous, and what would happen if she or Reggie got bitten. If Reggie were taller, she might be able to give him a shove and find out. For the first time she considered his altitudinal disadvantage to be a disappointment.

The witch arched one eyebrow giving Lulu a nasty look. Her eyes were a mean shade of green and they sparkled with malice. Lulu couldn't take her eyes off of her evil aunt, so horrific, yet glamorous was she.

"I see you like my new hair charm. I think it's quite lovely, and I figured out how to get rid of that nasty side-effect. I can do your hair too, if you like."

Lulu had no idea what to say to this offer. Having her head covered with slithering snakes wasn't something she wanted to imagine, but she did a little anyway, and it was definitely unpleasant. It felt, in her imagining, well, just like having her head covered with slithering and thrashing snakes. She did imagine the horror she would cause when going about in public, but it wasn't really worth it. Although, imagining having people run away screaming at the very sight of her did make her smile a little. Wallans would surely find the look satisfyingly outré.

"Who are you?" Reggie asked.

"You must be Reggie," the witch said in her vinegary voice, while looking at him like she might just eat him alive. Lulu pictured the witch pulling off Reggie's arm and starting to gnaw on it. He was really dirty, too, which made the thought a lot grosser. There was also the snot. She pictured him as a monkey to replace that gross thought. "If you can't think anything nice, then don't think anything at all," was what Anne always said. Thus the monkey-imagining.

The Wicked Witch of West Texas studied Lulu, one evil eyebrow arched, smiling a crooked smile. Lulu had the unsettling impression that the witch knew what she was thinking.

"I've been watching Lulu in my crystal ball, and imagine my surprise when I saw what that mangy mutt just hid under her bed." The wicked witch glared at Lulu.

"He didn't hide anything. He was looking for his leash," Lulu shot back.

"You'd love for me to believe that, I'm sure." With this declaration the witch waved the red and white striped wand, which she had retrieved from her handbag. Bubbles the color of ravens' feathers came out of the end. Then something appeared in the witch's outstretched hand. The snakes, curious, stretched toward the object.

Lulu took a step closer, as did Reggie, in order to see what the blackish thing was. It was about the size of a goose egg that looked rather like a dark, mottled rock.

"What's that?" As soon as she asked, she realized the thing must be the bezoar, which the witch prized plenty.

"This bezoar is the very one barfed up by Schrödinger's cat when he was both alive and dead in a thought experiment. It's a one-of-a-kind bezoar that has total poison protection powers thus making it hideously chic. It was stolen from me years ago, and now it's turned up in your house. A house owned by my dear brother, Jake, whom I suspected stole it. Now, I don't just suspect, I know. The bezoar is one of my most prized possessions, having once been the puke of my favorite pet."

"But you poisoned Jake, and nearly killed him. So he couldn't have had your stupid bezoar," Reggie said.

"Obviously, he had hidden it at a remote location. Now that he felt the coast was clear, he dispatched this," she pointed her wand at Bob, the snakes hissing in agreement, "rat thing, to retrieve it."

"He's a Rat Terrier, not a 'rat thing,'" Lulu corrected her. Bob growled and his hackles stood up like they did when the mailman came. He also wagged, like when he was growling to get one's attention when food was present.

"That's fine, as long as it can learn to make tacos. That's all the three of you are going to be doing in Texas from now on."

"You can't keep me because I'll use my Ruby Bling Ring." Lulu replied, holding up her hand to show the witch.

"Waaa Haaaa Haaaaa Haaaaa. What a lovely Bling Ring." she said in an ironic Texas accent. The snakes wiggled wildly, excited by the witch's cackle. The witch waved her wand and the ring disappeared from Lulu's finger. She stared at her hand where it had been.

"Looks like you two are in deep trouble."

Lulu realized the witch had a very good point, which was a very bad thing. The witch held up her non-wand hand to reveal a beautiful ring the size and shape of the bling ring, but no longer plastic and tacky.

"I've been watching you in my crystal ball, waiting for this opportunity. Now I've found you two and retrieved both my stolen ring and my stolen bezoar. Three birds in the hand with one stone."

"Jake didn't steal the stupid bezoar," Reggie said. "Bob probably found it in one of his tunnels and went to hide it in Lulu's room. Or maybe Lulu did it."

"Well, Reggie, quite the little agent provocateur, aren't you?" the witch commented.

"He's just a trouble-maker," Lulu corrected.

"That's what agent provocateur means," the witch informed her.

"Why didn't you just say trouble-maker then?"

"Because it's more wicked to obfuscate," the witch answered. "and it's even better when you can do it in French. Unless you're French, of course.

"What does obfuscate mean?" Lulu asked.

"To create confusion," the witch answered.

"Why didn't you just say that?" Lulu asked.

The witch just raised one eyebrow and scowled at her. Of course she knew the answer, but was just trying to annoy the witch by using a technique that worked well with her mom and dad: asking excessive questions. (She didn't know that besides being annoyed because of her general foul mood, the witch was secretly a bit pleased to find Lulu so bratty.)

"Don't you have a dictionary?" the witch asked. "When you come across a word you don't understand, you're supposed to look it up and then find a more confusing synonym." The snakes were making Lulu feel a little dizzy and she wished they could be made to hold still.

"Oh, sorry, witch," she answered in her haughtiest tone. "I guess I forgot to bring a dictionary when I came outside to walk my dog. Silly me. I have one at home, though, and I even tried looking up 'bezoar' but it wasn't there, so I'm not sure I even believe in it. It's probably just something you made up as some kind of wicked witch joke, which isn't even funny."

"This bezoar is a very powerful magical object and it certainly is no joke," the witch began. "Not that I really need magical objects, but this was a particularly important part of my collection."

"I don't believe that thing is a magical object at all. And how could a non-existent cat barf up anything? It's all just some stupid story you made up, you horrible old crow." Lulu folded her arms in front of her and stared as meanly as she could at the witch. "I hate those snakes on your head and your outfit looks stupid."

"There's a lot you don't understand, Lulu. For one thing, the cat was Schrodinger's and once someone had imagined the cat, and had created the time-travel scenario for the cat, the cat existed as a thought form. All I had to do was use a little magic to make it take physical form. When it did, it arrived with this hairball just vomited up. And the snakes are the height of wicked witch fashion of which I am the most prominent practitioner."

"That doesn't make any sense at all. You're obviously crazy and I also don't believe you have any real magical powers."

"Oh, no?" The witch smiled a tight mean smile, and the snakes went wild, snapping at each other, and hissing.

"No."

Just then a man came into view, walking across the field toward them. As he got closer, Lulu realized it was Mr. Martin who lived next door. He was a nice old man who sometimes gave Lulu and Reggie candy bars.

"We'll see about that." The Wicked Witch of West Texas raised her wand over her head, and before Lulu could even object, a jolt of blue electricity shot from the tip of the wand and hit Mr. Martin who was instantly transformed into a large, white, slimy thing that started to writhe in the grass. The snakes moved to look down at it. It was downright weird how the hundreds of eyes followed the witch's gaze, the striped bodies twisting in unison. One snake, Lulu noticed, didn't act in unison with the other snakes, but continued to look at her and then it stretched itself forward above the witch's forehead and looked down, right at the witch's face. Then the rest of the snakes began again their random writhing.

"What happened?" Reggie asked, looking around for Mr. Martin.

"I gave you a little dwimmer craft demonstration, my bratty relation."

"But, what about Mr. Martin? Where is he?" Reggie asked.

"He's right in front of you, only now he's a sea slug, and he only has a couple of minutes to live at most since this isn't exactly his native habitat. I rather expected that he'd explode instantly, but that's the upside of these sorts of experiments. One learns all sorts of interesting things."

"Why would you do that? Change him back now."

"Why would I do _that_? You do know my official title, right?"

"Please," Lulu begged. "I take back what I said. Just turn him back." Lulu felt a lump in her throat and her eyes were starting to water. She'd done this to poor Mr. Martin with her witch-taunting. She should have been more careful.

"You still haven't told me why I should." The witch reached up to stroke her snakes and they wound themselves around her fingers.

"We did find your bezoar for you," Reggie broke in, and for once Lulu was glad, as she'd not had the presence of mind to form the argument.

"Yes, please as a reward for finding your lost bezoar," Lulu was desperate now, as the poor sea slug, er, Mr. Martin, would soon expire.

"You did, but it was your dad who stole it, so I hardly see why you deserve to be rewarded for that."

"We didn't know our dad stole it, and if it weren't for us it would still be missing. What if we find something else of yours? You'll want us to return it," Lulu argued.

"Hmm." The witch appeared to mull Lulu's arguments and even the snakes completely stopped moving and stared. "Okay, but let this be a lesson. You will be tolerated only if you continue to be useful." The witch waved her wand and the slug turned back into Mr. Martin, slightly horrified, and looking very much like a hyperventilating beet with googly eyes. He stared at the witch for a moment before he turned and made toward his house. The snakes all bent around to watch him go while the witch continued to watch Lulu.

"I think we should really go home now. Our mom wanted us to come in and she'll be really mad if we don't get right back." Lulu turned and tugged at Bob's leash. "Come on, Reggie." Lulu grabbed Reggie's arm, noting that he still had that blob of snot and dirt beneath his nose. He was so gross. She pictured a monkey.

"Not so fast, brats. You're not going anywhere. This is a kidnapping."

"Look," cried Lulu, pointing skyward "a UFO." The witch and snakes just stared at her. Lulu hadn't really thought it would work, but she was trying another annoying tactic. It was one that she successfully used on Reggie sometimes, since he was gullible and usually did look; even when the thing suggested was very unlikely. Lulu noticed even as the witch scowled, Reggie was surreptitiously scanning the sky.

"There's no such thing as a UFO, you nasty little creature," the witch answered.

Lulu was tempted to point out that the same had been said about wicked witches.

"Now prepare to go to West Texas."

The witch waved her magic wand and Lulu, Reggie and Bob floated upward about a foot off the ground. Lulu tried to move but her feet kicked against air. Her fireflies were blazing now and her insides gyred. Then the wand emitted a 'pop' as there snaked a glow like a rope made of light from the tip. The neonish cord wrapped around the three so tightly they could barely move, securing them together. "And don't even think about bathroom stops," the witch warned, which made Lulu suddenly feel like she kinda needed to pee. She hoped she could hold it all the way to Texas. Presumably it was quite a trip.

The red door reappeared and the witch opened it. The bundle of Lulu, Reggie and Bob, who was pressed against Lulu's leg, floated through it and into a dark space filled with stars. Lulu, in the darkness, saw the witch framed in the light on the Walla side of the door before she stepped through and everything began to spin.

**Chapter 7:** **Io Malbonaj**

It was dark. So dark she couldn't see, but she felt like she was moving, and she could feel Reggie's back pressed into hers and Bob was still at her side.

"I think I'm going to barf," Reggie whined and Lulu knew if he did, she would too, and that could get very unpleasant. She had no idea where they were but they were suspended, so she had to assume they were flying. Maybe they'd be flying through the sky with puke spewing everywhere. It would rain puke for the people underneath them, and the weatherman would have some interesting things to talk about that night on the news. "There were light winds and clear skies today over Walla Walla, with slight puke showers during the afternoon."

What if it got the witch puking too? If witches puke, Lulu theorized, it was probably way worse than ordinary puke. Maybe it would make weird magic things happen. That would be interesting. Bob would probably even start in if it came to that. Picturing all that puke was not helping.

As she mulled her options, pureed them, even, it occurred to Lulu that she probably shouldn't scream, as the witch could drop them at any second and they would fall to the earth and die, if indeed they were above the earth. Most likely they'd splat on the ground like squished bugs, and it would be such a mess nobody would ever know who all that blood and guts started as. That would definitely be on the news. Maybe it would even make it on one of those TV shows about real life mysteries. That would be kind of cool, as long as she could come back as a ghost and watch it. If she and Reggie were ghosts, she realized, she could torment him all she wanted because their parents wouldn't be able to see them, which would be weird.

One reassuring thing occurred to Lulu. The witch had told them she wanted to make them taco slaves. Didn't that mean she wouldn't drop them? Lulu used to think the best part about being a witch must be the flying. She was beginning to change her mind. Then again, if she were able to fly herself, she wouldn't be so scared of being dropped and she could probably escape and fly back to Walla Walla. What was bad was being captured and flown places under duress, or when you really don't want to, and in the dark, she decided. And worse when it was done by a witch with red and white snakes for hair.

Lulu could hardly believe her eyes when, in the blackness, a light streaked into view and there appeared a real UFO, which came to hover beside them. It was saucer-shaped and shiny silver. Actually, it looked a bit like a giant silver sombrero, like the ones the mariachis at Taco World wore. Red and blue lights flashed along its edges. It was just hovering there in the sky, silent and strange. She wondered if all the people on the ground were seeing it too, but then reminded herself that she didn't even know if they were above any ground. Her brain felt like it was spinning in her skull.

Lulu could see the faces of the gray aliens staring through the windows at her with their big bug eyes. She could hardly believe what she was seeing. She hadn't really believed they even existed and Jake assured her they absolutely didn't, just as he'd done with witches. Maybe he knew about the UFOs too.

"Help us. We're being kidnapped," she called out as loudly as she could.

"Don't bother, my pretty, they only speak Esperanto," the witch said from someplace she couldn't see. "Ĉi tiuj estas la infanoj mi dir al vi pri."

The aliens just stared. Lulu was not convinced they spoke Esperanto any better than English. For all she knew, she reminded herself, the witch didn't either and was just obfuscating again.

"If you know about them, why did you say there was no such thing as UFOs?" Lulu asked the witch, closing her eyes tightly to shut out the horror of the current situation.

"Because I like to lie to kids. They don't call me 'wicked' for nothing. And besides, how will you ever learn anything if nobody lies to you?"

"How can we learn things by being lied to? It doesn't make any sense," Lulu replied.

"Oh, yes it does. It's the most important principle of education. You have to learn at a young age not to believe everything you're told and to think for yourself," the witch explained. "After you've been told enough lies and figured them out, you'll be immune to believing almost anything."

"You're even meaner than Cybil," Lulu told the witch. For some reason this seemed to delight her.

"Waaaaaaa, haaaaaa, haaaaa, haaaaaa," the witch howled. "Who do you think taught Cybil everything she knows about wickidity? She's my daughter after all." Lulu was shocked. She hadn't known that her cousin Cybil was the daughter of the witch, but it sure did explain a few things. She was widely known for her ill temper and haughty demeanor. But worse, if Cybil was the daughter of the witch, that meant that Caleb must be her son. Lulu could hardly comprehend how this could be. Caleb was as nice as he was normal. Well, aside from his weird red running shoe theories. Why had her cousins never mentioned their mother? It was all too confusing. Apparently, they shared the family's penchant for secrets.

"Looks like we've arrived," the witch's voice informed them from somewhere in the darkness. A glowing rainbow rectangle appeared before them. They floated through it and were set down. Lulu and Reggie struggled to stay upright. Their brains felt like they were still thrashing in their boney buckets. The ground, which was all she could focus on in her disoriented state, was asphalt. She tried to look around but had to take it slowly.

Lulu started to notice lots and lots of trash strewn all over the place. "What's with all the litter?" she asked.

"That's what we do in West Texas. No more fancy pantsy hoity toity trash cans for you. That's what God made the ground for."

"That isn't true," Lulu pointed out. "Haven't you ever heard the slogan 'Don't Mess With Texas'? That's an anti-littering campaign. I know because I read about it in a magazine."

"Well, it used to be," the witch explained. "When I arrived here I cursed the place so that everyone forgot that, and now they think it's just an expression of state pride, so they went back to littering. Ironic, eh?"

Lulu was in quite a dilemma. This witch was even worse than Jake said, and lately he had a lot to say on the subject, too. He'd even called her a 'black sheep,' which seemed odd since she was clearly not a sheep and, though wearing black, her outfit didn't appear to be wool. The real meaning of 'black sheep,' as she'd later find out (by looking it up in the dictionary), was a family member nobody much wanted to discuss because of that person's questionable actions. Now, that made sense. Lulu's dilemma sprung from the fact that although the witch did seem horrid, Jake also had begun to seem a bit less wonderful than he'd led her to believe he was, which cast his opinions on the witch in a different light. Nevertheless, she was being kidnapped and intended to act accordingly.

"You're a nasty old gorgon," Lulu said to her evil aunt. She would normally get in trouble for calling an adult a bad thing like that, but this was a special case.

"I am, rather, aren't I?" The witch looked pleased. She ran her fingers through her snakes and the snakes writhed in apparent pleasure at her touch. So gross.

**C** **hapter 8: Taco Torture**

"There it is," the witch pointed across the flat expanse. There was a taco stand at the edge of the strip mall parking lot in which they stood.

"Let's go," the witch said, and although she didn't want to, she started to walk toward the taco stand, as did Reggie. Bob barked and ran ahead.

It was a gleaming metal facsimile of the UFO they had seen, with a sign out front announcing the "Intergalactic Tacos--Tastiest in Texas." Tumbleweeds were blowing around the taco stand and there were some cacti in the vacant lot next to it that were mostly covered with bits of litter so they looked like they'd grown multi-colored fur. There was a little speaker thingy that people could speak their orders into and a slot where the tacos came out when they were ready. "You kids are going to live here and make tacos all day."

"No fair," objected Reggie, who had otherwise fallen awfully quiet.

"You weren't paying attention in your Wicked Witch Studies class, were you?"

Reggie glared at her.

"There's no such thing as Wicked Witch Studies because nobody cares about witches," Lulu informed their aunt. "Smart people don't even believe witches exist."

"Yes, I know. You may eventually come to appreciate that arrangement."

"Our teachers never even mention witches," Reggie said.

"Obviously, they should. Kidnappings would be less tiresome if there weren't so many silly questions to answer. They probably don't even teach Sasquatch communication in biology class."

"There's no such thing as Sasquatch, everyone knows that," Lulu said to her snake-haired aunt, though she'd read accounts from many people who had claimed to have seen Sasquatch.

"I'll have to tell him that next time I see him," the witch replied. "I'm sure he'll feel reports of his non-existence have been greatly exaggerated. No matter, though, you won't need fancy book-learnin' in your new job. Just your sequined red taco-making shoes." She waved her wand and Lulu's shoes changed into sparkling sneakers. "They'll help you make tacos faster, 'cause y'all are gonna be busier than a hog on ice."

Reggie didn't say anything. He hoped the witch wasn't going to make him wear sparkle shoes. That would be too embarrassing for words.

"Our dad says that red shoe stuff isn't true," Lulu said.

"Does Jake know how to access an alternate universe using doorways constructed of thought?"

"I hate you." Lulu crossed her arms and refused further commentary. She wasn't going to admit that Jake probably didn't and Lulu had no idea what the witch meant by 'alternate universe,' anyway.

"Right, I thought not." With that she pushed them inside and locked the door. Bob jumped in just in time before the door slammed shut. It may be worth noting, here, that Bob was very likely motivated by the scent of delicious taco fixin's, a quirk of character that may have played a key role in this entire fiasco.

As soon as the witch pushed them into the taco stand and the door closed, a speaker shouted out the first order, "Tres tacos, por favor. Uno lengua, uno de picadillo, y uno barbacoa." They stood there dumbfounded.

Reggie looked at Lulu and all she could do was shrug. Then a horrible alarm started to howl so loudly Lulu thought her eardrums would burst, and lights began to flash. The conveyor belt lurched into motion. Bob crouched down, whining, and put his little paws over his ears. A weird mechanical arm came down from the ceiling. It had two prongs on it and when it touched Reggie, it delivered a shock. Reggie yelled out in pain and the arm started toward Lulu who began making tacos as quickly as she could.

"Get to work, Reggie. Fast. Make tacos."

The moment he did the arm went back up and the sirens quieted. It soon became clear that any time the taco making slowed, the siren and lights went mad and the shocker arm started to extend again. If the taco wasn't of the right kind, the arm began to extend. If the taco was too messy, the arm jerked forward.

Lulu and Reggie had to get to work fast and Bob was no help at all because he didn't understand Spanish and was only interested in eating tacos, not in making them. This, mostly because he's a dog and eating is his main interest after digging, and dogs don't make tacos. They worked and worked as fast as they could, but even so, the alarm sounded any time their exhaustion began to slow their work. The taco stand was steaming hot from all of the warming tables, too. Their clothes were drenched with sweat and steam and stained with slopped and spilled red and green salsas.

"We have to think of a way out of this, Reggie." Lulu called as she filled a tortilla with succulent beef fajita meat. "This is terrible and I'm hungry and thirsty and tired." The worst thing about the taco stand was that they had to make tacos, but didn't dare stop working long enough to actually eat. It was the most miserable thing Lulu or Reggie had ever experienced. Oddly, Lulu had started to think that, in spite of it being incomprehensibly heinous, she was beginning to try to make tacos better and feel a little pride in that. She found this rather grotesque and disconcerting.

"I never want to see another taco as long as I live," Reggie called to Lulu, as they both rolled delicious fillings in tortillas and placed them on the conveyor. "This is taco torture." Even as he said this, his work must have slowed just a bit because the deafening alarm sounded yet again, and the lights began to flash.

When the lights on the outside of the taco stand finally shut off and the orders stopped, the tiny windows around the top of the room showed dark sky where there had been blue. Lulu and Reggie collapsed onto the floor.

They had barely had a moment to catch their breaths when the witch returned. This time there was no appearing door, rather she wasn't there and then she was.

By this time, Bob was round from eating forty-nine tacos and washing them all down with horchata. He was the only one who'd had any repast. Lulu knew he'd eaten about forty-nine because that was the number that flashed in red overhead on the "tortilla waste" counter that ticked up every time a tortilla was dropped, which had also resulted in Reggie getting some pretty nasty shocks. Lulu'd determined that for some reason only Reggie was getting shocked by deliberately making a few mistakes just to see.

"You two get this place cleaned up. It's an absolute disaster. You're really going to have to get a lot faster and a lot neater," the witch declared. Bob started to vomit, his insides finally having given up trying to contain his gluttony.

Lulu was filled with despair. They worked as fast as they possibly could and there was no way they could get both faster and neater. As for Bob, he was just a little Rat Terrier and couldn't be expected to be of much assistance other than his current effort to re-eat his vomit. On one hand, Lulu realized that the floor would have been worse if Bob hadn't cleaned up all the dropped taco fillings and toppings, but some of them were now returning in a different form. Many more days like today, though, and Bob would be so fat that he'd no longer be able to move around.

"I'll make a crystal ball call while I wait. You two get started on the cleanup," she stated, taking a small crystal ball from her bag. She stared into the crystal ball and Jake's face appeared. "Hey Jake. Missing anything? A couple little bratty kids, maybe? A fat, spotted rat-thing, perhaps?"

"You bring back Lulu and Reggie. And Bob, too. If you don't I'm sending Caleb down there after you," Jake yelled.

"Ha! Caleb is a double agent. He won't help you," sneered the witch. "Who do you think told him about the physics of red running shoes?"

"There is no physics of red running shoes. It's a hoax and you know it," Jake shouted. Lulu almost wanted to call out to him, but then she spotted something and had another idea.

"Tell that to the last five Olympic gold medal winners in every single running event," the witch said. "The simple truth is that people believe it's true and so the fastest runners all wear them, which then reinforces the perception that it's true, which, in turn, causes those who wear them to believe they're faster, and perform slightly better. So, the whole thing ends up being..."

As the witch said this, Lulu made a desperate move. She picked up a five-gallon container of horchata and threw it right on the witch, who instantly began to shrink.

"I'm shrinking, shrinking," shrieked the witch. "and you ruined my skunk fur trim!" She shrunk and shrunk until she was the size of a mouse, a scrawny weak mouse, at that. Then she shrunk some more. She looked very upset and the tiny snakes that were her hair looked like tiny frantic worms.

"Guess your bezoar didn't work," Lulu said.

"This isn't a poison," the tiny witch squeaked. "This is the result of an horchata allergy."

"Looks like you may need to take us back," Lulu suggested. "After all, a witch of your stature can hardly hold hostages." Lulu crossed her fingers that the witch would return them. "We can smash you now," she added.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you? Well, you'll never get away because all ways here are my way and I'm also unsmashable, magically speaking." The witch sneered, barely audible at her miniature size. Lulu almost started laughing, but realized that she'd made a misstep by threatening to smash the witch. The witch pulled out her wand, which was now about the size of a sewing needle. She waved it and tiny little sparks came out. The witch seemed to have disappeared, but a squeaky laugh drew Lulu's attention to a high shelf where the witch now stood out of reach.

A buzz became audible from far away, getting louder a little bit at a time, like someone very slowly turning up the volume on the radio that only played static. The sound took on a higher, screaming pitch as it grew nearer. As the sound got louder and closer, Lulu got worried. The more worried Lulu felt, the more pleased the witch looked. Or at least Lulu thought the witch looked pleased, but as small as she now was, her facial expression was hard to make out. The witch looking pleased under these circumstances didn't seem to promise a good outcome. She really wished she could take back that smashing comment--maybe later she would.

The sound drew nearer until the source sounded like it was right outside. The whole taco stand vibrated. Lulu thought it might be the sound of a thousand angry harpies and the witch looked to be on cloud nine. The door to the taco stand burst open and in came a wasp the size of her dad, with six horrible legs and big round bug eyes and a yellow and black striped body. The bugs' eyes looked to be made of thousands of tiny, dark mirrors and they reflected back multitudinous images of the entire taco stand interior all at once. Lulu saw herself and Reggie in many of the small multoginoid fractoids.

That wasn't the worst part, though. The worst was the stinger and the big pincer jaws. Lulu was shaking with terror and she could hear Reggie's teeth chattering. She'd been stung by a bee once and it hurt. The bee was tiny, and Lulu remembered thinking that for such a tiny creature it sure could hurt you. Compared to the Jerusalem Cricket... well, she'd never be afraid of a Jerusalem Cricket again.

"Minions!" the witch squeaked. "Seize them!"

Lulu thought she had experienced Nightmares before, but now she was wide awake and this was worse than any of those. The wasp advanced, walking on its long back legs, and grasped her from behind with its claws, pulling her against its disgusting body. Another did the same to Reggie. He was crying now, but Lulu was holding back her tears. She knew they would only make the witch even happier than she already was. For all of her imagining bad things, she'd never imagined something this horrid.

"These are Godzilla Wasps," the witch informed Lulu and Reggie. Lulu looked over at him and noticed he was making an effort to look brave, having stopped his tears. He still looked mortified, though. "The sting of one of these Godzilla Wasps can kill an adult Sasquatch instantly and it's been said that the buzzing of their wings can cause a hurricane on the other side of the earth. Only honey badgers are immune to their stings, because they don't care about being stung by wasps."

Lulu didn't know about honey badgers, but she knew very well that a Sasquatch was purportedly a nine-foot-tall hairy creature, which Jake assured her didn't really exist after Cybil showed her a film of one running away. Anything that could kill that... well, she didn't want to think about the stinger on the hideous buzzing creature that held her. This seemed to be the very situation for which the saying "out of the frying pan and into the fire" was invented, as things had definitely gone from bad, to worse. She wished she could just take back the whole horchata hurling. Maybe some time she would.

"Take them back to the Black Mansion. Leave them there until I return," the witch ordered.

The wasps carried Lulu and Reggie to the door and stepped out. Lulu and Reggie could hardly believe their eyes when they saw that there were at least a hundred of the creatures surrounding the taco stand, all buzzing and vibrating their big wings. If there were any people around to see them, Lulu was sure they'd be calling the police, or the army or something. But Lulu couldn't see anyone. The strip mall was abandoned, the manicurists, cactists, dealers in military surplus, boot shops, the Prada store, saddlers, all having locked up for the night.

The Wasps all started to buzz louder and louder and as they did, the sky darkened and the wind began to howl. Apparently, the wasps could make a hurricane as the witch claimed, if that's what this was. There was wind so fierce that Lulu could hear nothing else. She couldn't feel the ground under her feet. Only the wasp's claws and the wind blowing so her face felt all stretched out like when your mom tells you to stop pulling it funny or it will stick that way. All was dark.

Then Lulu saw a blue glimmer begin to coalesce in front of her until there appeared to be a tunnel of blue light. The wasps that held Lulu and Reggie stepped into it and both were blinded for a moment until their vision adjusted. They were no longer in the strip mall parking lot.

Chapter 9: The Wasp Effect

When the Godzilla Wasps let them go, Lulu and Reggie found themselves in a strange room with only the wasps that had held them. It was all black. The floor looked like some kind of black stone, polished to a mirror shine, and where walls would normally have been, there were black curtains. The light was pale.

Above them the moon glowed among stars. It shone through a tangle of barren tree branches. In the center of the room were two red chairs.

The wasps no sooner released Lulu and Reggie, then flew away. As their buzzing faded into the distance, Lulu was relieved. At least they were still alive.

"Well, here's another fine mess you've gotten me into," Reggie remarked, looking at their strange surroundings.

"I don't think we're in Texas anymore," Lulu answered, not really hearing his complaint.

"Where's Bob?" Reggie asked, looking around. He realized that he hadn't seen one of the Godzilla Wasps carrying Bob.

"He must have hidden in the taco stand when the wasps came, and the witch forgot all about him," Lulu surmised. "What's going to happen to him all alone in the taco stand?" She was now terribly worried about poor little Bob. Nobody would take care of him, or walk him. He wouldn't know what to do.

"He'll eat a lot of tacos," Reggie joked.

"It's not funny, Reggie. Bob is just a little dog and now he's been left behind in Texas and we don't even know where we are."

"We're in the Black Mansion," Reggie answered. "And Bob will figure out something. He'll probably even take a message back to Mom and Dad."

"He doesn't talk so how will he deliver a message? Not only that, but how is a small Rat Terrier going to make it all of the way from Texas to Walla Walla?"

Reggie had to admit (to himself) he didn't know the answers to these questions, although he didn't admit it (to Lulu).

"Maybe we can escape from this place," Lulu suggested. "Let's find the door and see if it's locked."

"I'm sure it will be," Reggie said. "Otherwise why would she have sent us here?"

"Just start looking behind the curtains."

Lulu and Reggie looked behind the curtains, only to find that they were in some kind of curtain maze. And every curtained passageway led right back to the same place, the place where they had started out. There was nothing like a door, or a window, or any opening, nor did there seem to be any outside, since passing through a few curtains found them right back in the room with the red chairs. As they stood in the center of the room, perplexed, an armadillo ran from behind one of the curtains and, seeing them, made for another curtain behind which it disappeared.

"Follow the armadillo," Lulu said as she and Reggie ran to where it ducked behind the curtain, only to find it was gone.

"Where'd it go?" Reggie asked.

Lulu just stood there. She had no answer for him.

"Maybe it's a magic armadillo," Reggie suggested.

"It definitely knows something we don't."

"I'm going to climb the curtains," Reggie suggested. He was the school rope-climbing champion, so it seemed a good idea, even to Lulu who rarely acknowledged Reggie had a good idea. He grabbed the curtain and started to climb but only got a couple of feet off the ground before he was climbing as fast as he could just to stay in the same place. He couldn't get any higher but the curtain didn't seem to be moving either.

Exhausted, he finally gave up, letting himself plunk onto his behind on the gleaming black floor. "There's no escape," he panted. "I give up."

"You're right," Lulu stated in agreement.

Lulu and Reggie sat down in the armchairs, dejected.

"I guess we might as well wait and see what the witch is going to do to us," Reggie said. "She's really going to be mad after what you did."

"At least I tried to do something," Lulu said. "I didn't see you trying to escape. And how would I know she had an army of giant wasps at her disposal? I've never read about that kind of thing." Then she realized she had, sort of. Armies of winged minions weren't unheard of.

"Well, we might have been better off if you hadn't tried anything," Reggie sulked.

Lulu didn't answer. She wasn't ready to accept defeat yet.

It wasn't long before they fell asleep and dreamed of taco-making and giant wasps and home. But the dreams of home were the most fleeting of all.

**C** **hapter 10: Bob Back to Cali**

"Well, dog, you did a fine job with the bezoar." the witch said to Bob as she waved her wand over her distracting hairdo and returned to normal size. He wagged his tail and growled in answer. "And you weren't wrong about her readiness, either. She's quite a piece of work, that one."

She waved her wand again and a doggie door appeared in the parking lot.

"I'll continue to send messages by means of the clock radio when you arrive back."

Bob barked and wagged some more.

"Right. The Lemurians. I remember. The doggie door will take you to the foot of Mt. Shasta, where they await your arrival. You might try a juice cleanse after today, though."

Bob jumped through the dog door, disappearing from Texas.

He popped from nowhere in Northern Cali, and looked up to the peak of the mountain.

"Dog. We've awaited your arrival." A very tall man in a rainbow glow robe stepped forward."

Bob was well-acquainted with this Lemurian. He rolled over to show his joy and then sat.

"Come now, we'll go into the mountain."

Chapter 11: Full Fathom Serenity

Lulu opened one eye, hoping that she'd find herself home, and that it all had just been a dream, but what she saw was black. Something was different, though, she realized, sitting up.

In the middle of the room there was a pool filled with some dark liquid above the surface of which arced blue jolts of electro-snapping. Each one sizzled across the surface and disappeared. She looked over at Reggie who was still sleeping, then got up from the chair, which she noticed was now black as well. They had gone to sleep on red chairs. Could someone have moved them while they slept? She didn't think so.

She went over to the edge of the pool. It was a strange sort of swimming pool. The full moon was reflected on its surface just under the slight glow radiating from within its dark shimmer. Carved into the stone at the edge of the pool were the words, "Full Fathom Five."

Lulu thought that must be how deep it was, though she had no idea what it meant. Just gazing at the pool made Lulu feel cold and desolate.

Reggie came to stand beside her.

"What do you think it is?" he asked Lulu.

"I don't know," she answered, looking up at the black diving board that jutted out over the surface of the sparkling black water and her spine prickled like she was being climbed by a herd of angry cats. She imagined cats running up her back, their claws digging into her flesh and leaving long scratches. There were seven cats in her imagined scenario, all black and she was wearing a lacey white dress. When each cat got to her shoulders it jumped off and climbed her again until she was covered with bloody lines and her dress was tattered and-not-so-white.

"I wonder if it's warm," Reggie said, interrupting Lulu's cat-imagining, and before Lulu could stop him, he bent down and put his index finger into the pool. She grabbed at him, but was too late. The moment his finger touched the surface he crumpled forward, plunging headlong beneath the surface and would have gone in completely had Lulu not managed to grab one foot. She held on with all her might, bracing her own feet against the ridge at the edge of the pool. To her horror, some of the foul water surged up and touched the soles of her shoes, but she held fast to her obnoxious sibling who had gone limp. She could barely see his pale arms under the water along with some slithery, silvery shapes that swarmed around him. She hoped they weren't eating him. Somehow the fear that coursed through her must have given her a surge of strength because as she imagined Reggie's flesh being stripped from his bloody bones she heaved backward and managed to pull him half out of the atrous water. He choked and sputtered a few times and then lay there, limp and staring.

Strangely, he didn't yell or complain. He just lay there, his face perfectly blank, his skin tinged slightly dark.

"Reggie," she was afraid to touch him because he was still soaking wet, "talk to me."

His mouth moved a bit, but he didn't say a thing, but just stared, unblinking. Suddenly, an electrical aura of tiny lightning bolts cocooned his body in a yellowish glow, thousands of little arcs snapping around him and he tensed and began to shake all over. His eyes rolled back in his head and his hair stood on end. He shuddered and shimmied for what felt like an eternity, but for what was more likely about a minute before the attack stopped and he fell limp again. Lulu couldn't believe her eyes. She looked over at the pool where the weird creatures within roiled the surface with their mad thrashing. Steam rose from his body such that he dried completely in seconds.

"Stand up," she ordered him and was surprised when he did it, keeping the same bland expression. Lulu was perplexed.

"Go sit down," she told him and he did. This wasn't like Reggie. "What's going on?" Lulu asked herself out loud. The weird pool had done something to her brother. Never did Reggie do anything without arguing.

"Stand up," she said, and Reggie stood. "Sit down," she said, and he sat.

"Jump up and down and flap your arms while you quack like a duck," she said, and he did, though his delivery was stiff and un-ducklike. Lulu was beginning to get the picture. "Sit down," she told him, "and don't do anything. I'm going to look around."

Normally, Reggie falling into a state in which he would do anything she said would have made Lulu very happy. If they were home she'd have him eating cat hair pudding, and running down the street in his underwear, and perhaps (if he'd been particularly pesky) peeing his pants in the middle of the playground at recess. She could just imagine the excellent revenges she could get for all the annoying pranks he'd played. Under these circumstances, however, it wasn't a welcome development.

At least Reggie wasn't scared any more. She didn't think, anyway, that he could feel the horror of their current situation in his state. In a way, he was lucky about that. She realized she could just follow his example and drown her fear in that dark water, but she had no intention of giving up, and that's what it would be.

She would fight the witch to the end. That witch might be evil and have magical powers, but Lulu was determined to get back to Walla Walla, and to take Reggie with her. At least she was mostly determined to take Reggie with her. She looked at him sitting there all zombie-like and she felt bad about having mean thoughts. Her mom always said it was her responsibility to look out for Reggie, because he was younger, which meant that she should be trying to help him, not thinking bad thoughts. She pictured a pet monkey. She couldn't help it.

Lulu decided she needed to search for a door again, because if there was any chance to escape before the witch got herself back to normal size and returned, she had to try.

**C** **hapter 12: Into the Light**

Lulu was still contemplating ways of escaping, of which she could think of basically none that didn't involve supernatural intervention, when she heard a sneeze, which was odd because she was the only person in the room besides Reggie. She was looking right at him, and she was sure she'd have noticed sneezing herself. She looked around the room and at first saw nothing out of the ordinary. Then came another sneeze.

"Bless you," Lulu said, not wanting any evil spirits to fly into the mouth of the non-existent sneezer. Then she realized she didn't believe in non-existent entities and therefore she also did not believe they could sneeze, nor did she believe in evil spirits. Lulu remembered a well-known philosophical principle: "sternu ergo sum," or "I sneeze, therefore I am." Surely this was the exact situation to which said principle was meant to apply.

That's when she saw the transparent and barely visible form of what seemed to be a chair emerge from the actual chair on which only a short time before, she'd been sleeping.

"What in the world?"

"I'm a ghost," the greenish glowing chair squeaked though it didn't have a mouth. Still she heard the voice, even if it didn't exactly seem like she heard it with her ears. It was as if the ghost could speak directly into her skull and also like her skull was a lot roomier.

"That's impossible. I don't believe it."

"Just because something's impossible doesn't mean you can't believe it, Lulu," the ghost pointed out. "You just need to go to political rallies more often to practice. The more you practice believing impossible things the easier it gets. Besides, isn't my existence proof that ghosts are not impossible?"

Normally, she would expect to be terrified upon seeing a ghost, but this seemed to be the least scary of all the scary things she'd experienced of late. She wished Reggie were here to see it. As it was, he just stared straight in front of him and took no notice of the strange sight. (Almost certainly the witch had hoped for a more fearsome manifestation.)

Lulu wondered for a moment what ghost etiquette required of her. Perhaps she should try to act scared, she reasoned, since that was the expected response and she didn't want to insult it.

"Oooh, nooo. I'm terribly afraid," she said, hoping she sounded at least partially alarmed, but she was sure it came off half-hearted. The ghost sneezed again.

"You don't sound so good, ghost," Lulu ventured.

"Texas ghosts don't do so well in colder climes," the chair ghost replied. "and I've been in your house in Walla Walla for the last month, though I was too weak for anyone to notice me. I'm only just getting back my apparitional abilities. But I'm supposed to be scaring you and if I don't, the witch is going to be very angry. She's horrible when she's angry. She might even make me disappear altogether."

"I didn't know that chairs had ghosts."

"Most don't," the chair ghost explained, "but I was a haunted chair."

Lulu had heard the phrase "ghost in the machine" before. If machines could have ghosts, obviously chairs could too, Lulu reasoned.

"Maybe if you try sitting on me you'll find me scarier," the ghostly chair suggested. The idea seemed reasonable since Lulu was pretty sure that if she tried sitting on it she'd fall right on her behind, which was almost scary, though not terribly.

Lulu read a book once that had classifications for ghosts, but she didn't exactly remember them. She seemed to recall it went something like this: (a) those that used to be kings, (b) rotten ones, (c) those that do tricks, (d) duckling corpses, (e) merman phantasms, (f) fabulous flaming frogs, (g) dead amphibians, (h) this kind, (i) those that act crazy, (j) uncountable ones, (k) those drawn with a marker, (l) those kinds, (m) those that have just spilled some perfume, (n) those that fly around making hideous noises.

She couldn't place this chair ghost neatly in any classification, except perhaps "this kind," and "those kinds," but since those classifications were extremely ambiguous, she had no way of knowing. Besides, she was almost certain that the classifications were some kind of a weird joke anyway. It was cool to know that ghosts really exist, though, especially since she liked to imagine that if a strange bad thing happened to her she would become a ghost herself and haunt a lot of places. She'd have to tell Jake about this when they got home since he constantly told her ghosts didn't exist. Or maybe she wouldn't tell him.

Lulu also thought it would be great to get a scientist to study the chair ghost. Except that scientists never believe in ghosts, which is too bad because they'd be a great thing to study. As she stood there looking at it, something occurred to Lulu.

"I have an idea. You could get away from the Texas witch permanently."

"I wish I could," the ghost replied. "Why don't you just go into the light?" Lulu suggested.

"Oh, I couldn't. I don't know how."

"It's easy. They do it all the time on TV, so it has to be possible," Lulu pointed out. "Just look around and see if you can see the light."

"I guess I could try," the chair replied, sounding less than convinced.

"Stare hard right in front of you and I'm sure you'll see the light," Lulu instructed the phantasmic chair. She wasn't really quite so sure that this approach would work, but it couldn't hurt to try.

"Oh, I do. I do see it."

"Now, just go toward it."

"Thank you so much for freeing me from the witch, but aren't you afraid she's going to be angry at you?"

Don't worry about that. I don't see how she could be much madder at me than she already is. I threw horchata on her and made her shrink to the size of a Texas cockroach. Smaller actually, and she's plenty steamed at me. Besides, I don't care how mad she gets at me. She didn't have to go and kidnap me if she doesn't like being shrunk."

"If you say so."

"Go now, before she gets back," Lulu urged the ghost. It was true the witch would be angry, but she wasn't going to let that stop her from freeing the chair ghost. If only it could be so easy for her to escape.

"The light is so beautiful..."

With those words the chair faded away. Lulu was pretty sure it would be a while before the witch even noticed such a meek ghost was gone.

"This certainly is a strange place," Lulu said to Reggie, who simply stared, unblinking, at nothing much. "And I'm really worried about Bob."

As Lulu sat down in the black chair beside the one where Reggie sat, she realized she was starving. She hadn't eaten since they left Walla Walla. The whole time they'd made tacos they hadn't any time to eat anything.

She searched her pockets and discovered only some black licorice she bought at the corner store just before she decided to take Bob for a walk.

Lulu'd completely forgotten it was there, but she was really glad it was. She thought about giving some to Reggie, but he hated black licorice and even though he was... well, whatever he was, he probably wouldn't eat it. She began to eat as slowly as possible, finally just licking the last bit of it 'til it dissolved between her fingers, staining them the same color as Reggie, who was now dry and dyed a middle value of grey.

Who knew when they'd eat again, if ever? Or when the witch would come, if ever? Or what the witch would do to them when she did arrive? That part was actually the most troubling. After the wasps, Lulu was pretty sure she didn't want to find out. But then, neither did she want to be left to perish in this horrible Black Mansion. She pictured how they'd look after weeks with no food. It was going to be horrible. Maybe they'd even just be skeletons by the time the witch returned. She'd probably keep their ghosts in the Black Mansion like she had with the chair, but Lulu would still try to get back to Walla Walla. She wondered if her parents would even notice her hanging around as a ghost, or if they would just think the witch still was holding them captive. She'd have to think of some way of getting their attention.

Looking at her blackened fingers an idea occurred to Lulu. And just in time, too, because at that same moment a snap, crackle, and a pop split the air and in a puff of smoke the wicked witch of Texas appeared. Lulu did her best to maintain a completely neutral expression, even as she realized that the witch's head was no longer covered with snakes, but that black, slimy tentacles now writhed in their place. That and her gown was shimmering red.

Standing beside the witch was a cat.

"Well, cat," she addressed the animal, "looks like my plan worked. The ungrateful brats touched the Pool of Serenity. It appears the boy fell in and Lulu wet her hand saving him. We won't be having any more trouble with them now that they've been rendered oblivious. They'll be perfect taco slaves and quit complaining about the opportunity I've so generously given them to work in the delishiousness industry." As she said this, the witch pushed away a tentacle that had become interested in trying to go up her nose. "I don't know about these tentacles, either. The snakes weren't as much trouble."

"Mrrrreow," the cat answered.

"I did have hopes for Lulu, but she'll still be useful. Tacos need to be made, after all."

"RRRRRR," the cat growled.

"Just watch," the witch said, turning toward Reggie and Lulu. "Stand up," she ordered.

Reggie automatically obeyed, and Lulu did likewise. The witch gave a few more simple commands to demonstrate to the cat her mastery of the situation. The cat looked bored and began to groom his front paws. As all of this happened, the witch kept having to push the same tentacle away from her face.

"Now, you two sit down and don't move," the witch ordered. She stood there, staring at them, and as she did, her annoyance seemed to wane. They both sat motionless, but as the witch contemplated her captives, Lulu's nose started to itch. The witch's nose-interested tentacle wavered near witch-schnoz. Lulu fought to keep from giving any sign, whether by facial expression or movement, hoping the itch would just go away. Her eyes began to water, and still the witch stared at her.

The itching was so bad it felt like seven years that the witch gazed at her, even though it was just a minute or two. She prayed she wouldn't sneeze, even as a tear slipped down one cheek. Lulu was about to give in and scratch her nose when the witch turned away and the cat followed her and Lulu gave her nose a scratch as quickly as possible.

The witch, who had turned to the black curtain across from Lulu, raised her wand and with a wave there appeared a painting in an ornate black frame. At the same time the surface of the pool turned solid and became part of the floor and the diving board disappeared.

"I need a new Flower of Evil for my dress," she remarked and as she did, a shimmering black bush appeared in the painting and then, seemed to emerge from the surface, enlarging as it came nearer and planting itself in the center of the room, roots boring into the black floor. The bush had glittering black blossoms like the one the witch wore before the horchata event. The witch picked one, held it to her nose and inhaled its fragrance, and then pinned it to her bodice. Lulu noticed the new gown was covered with ruby crystals that gave the vague impression of being insectoid without, somehow, looking like insects. A ring with a black stone glimmered on her hand.

"Now, we'll return them to the taco stand." As the witch finished speaking there suddenly arose a terrible sound from somewhere very nearby. It was a hideous sub-human shrieking.

"Oh, dear. I do believe it's Mike," the witch said to the cat. "Well, come on. We'd better see what his problem is this time before he goes shabazzle again. Those pesky kids should have brought him some coffee."

**C** **hapter 13: The Great Escape**

The witch, followed by the cat, breezed by Lulu and Reggie and as the witch passed, one cold, wet tentacle actually spathered across Lulu's cheek. She could barely contain a shriek. The witch passed through the curtains behind them. This was their chance, if Lulu was right about the painting, anyway.

"Come on, Reggie, follow me." Lulu was still surprised that Reggie didn't even bother to argue. There were advantages to having him under a wicked witch curse, Lulu thought. In fact, there would be advantages to leaving him behind. She thought for a moment about the Jerusalem Cricket, then decided it wouldn't be very nice for her mom if she left Reggie. Besides, if anyone ever found out she had intentionally, or even on purpose, left Reggie behind, she'd likely be grounded forever. Then she tried her very hardest not to picture a pet monkey, which made it impossible not to think of a pet monkey, which made her think of her mom some more and her mom's reaction to the pet monkey. She had to actually look at Reggie to blot out the mental image of the monkey, which returned as soon as she thought that and superimposed itself over the sight of Reggie.

Their mom actually liked the snot-nosed creep. She felt a little bit bad. (Just a little.) He was sometimes okay. They had fun making forts together and he was good at catching water skippers. Lulu's mom often told her that when she got mad at Reggie she should try to think of something good about him, and she'd realize that there was more she liked about him than what she didn't like.

The real truth was that the fort and water skipper stuff was all she had, and it was getting a little worn out, too, since she didn't like catching water skippers any more and she didn't particularly want to build a fort with him because it would mean having to let him into it, which would defeat the whole purpose of a fort. At least, though, an idea occurred to her.

She led Reggie to the painting to test her hypothesis. It was a landscape, or rather a flower-scape, in which beautiful blooms of every color were rendered in thick paint and in such profusion that the surface practically squirmed with color. Or maybe the flowers were actually stirred by a faint breeze, it was difficult to tell.

As Lulu drew near the painting, a figure appeared in it, coming closer as she did, the face looking out of the painting at her when she got near. It was as if she were looking into a mirror, except that her face had the appearance of a decorated sugar skull. She had bright red lips and a purple butterfly on each cheek.

The history of paintings, Lulu knew, was replete with examples of magic portals and this was clearly no ordinary painting. There was an engraved piece on the bottom of the frame that read, "Ever Nearer To Elysian Repose." Lulu recognized it immediately as an acrostic; the first letters of each word spelling out "Enter." Acrostics, Lulu knew, were an important witch communication strategy.

The screaming continued in the background even as she held her hand up to the painting and reached out to touch the surface. Her hand went right through, her arm, in skeleton form, appearing as part of the painted image as it went into the surface. She had no idea where this painting lead, but she was hardly in a position to quibble, or to be very picky for that matter. Besides, the flowers looked lovely.

"I hope this gets us far from the witch and her wickidity, and in time for dinner, too," Lulu said. She would soon have reason to be glad she'd made this wish. "Now, climb through there and make it fast," she ordered.

She gave him a leg up and Reggie was swallowed up by the surface, becoming an image and then falling out of sight leaving no trace on the painting itself. Lulu paused. She was suddenly not so sure this was a good idea. The painting could land them in a worse place than this, after all.

"Let's go take care of those pesky kids," she heard the witch's voice proclaim behind her. That made up her mind for her and through the frame she went.

As she did, she heard the witch call out: "They've tricked me! They're getting away!" The witch sounded so mad Lulu couldn't help but feel good.

As she entered the painting she was surrounded by light. It seemed like she and Reggie were just floating there.

"Reggie, are you okay?" Lulu called out.

"What happened?" he shouted back, apparently cured of his cursedness.

"We went through a magic painting," Lulu called to him.

A few seconds later the landscape began to materialize around them.

Lulu felt soft grass tickling her legs. Raising her head she looked around. They were surrounded by enormous flowers.

**C** **hapter 14: Curiouser and Curiouser**

"Wow," Lulu said, as she and Reggie looked around. The giant flowers looked like flowers back home, except they were so tall she couldn't see anything else, and of course, flowers in Washington aren't made of sugar. And the sky; it was a swirling purple and blue and pink paisley.

"What happened?" asked Reggie, propping himself up on one elbow. He seemed a bit groggy.

"We went through a magic painting and escaped to..."

"This place is weird. And you look weird, Lulu--kind of blurry and yellow."

"I wonder if we're in Wonderland." Lulu remembered a movie she'd seen about a place kind of like this. Except that this wasn't a cartoon. "One thing's for sure: we're not in the Black Mansion anymore."

"Maybe it's Texas," Reggie answered.

"You're in Sugarland," a gruff voice said from whence she knew not.

"Who said that?" Lulu challenged in her most haughty tone.

"I said it," the voice replied. She looked around and finally she saw a lawn gnome.

"You can't talk," Lulu shot back.

"Fine, then I guess I won't be telling you anything else," the gnome replied.

"Tell me what Sugarland is right now," Lulu demanded.

The gnome just stared straight ahead, not moving a hair. In fact, his hair looked to be quite solid and therefore unmovable. She reached out and touched his gnome hat, which was sculpted from some hard substance.

"Don't touch me, you nasty child," the gnome snapped. She could barely believe it when his mouth actually moved to form the words. "Children are absurdly unsanitary."

"You really do talk!"

"Wow, your parents must be thrilled to have such a brilliant brat."

"Shut up, stupid garden gnome," Lulu replied.

"I'm a Sugar Gnome, for your information. Or should I say for the witch's information. All information is the witch's information in Sugarland. She patented information and thus has a monopoly on it."

"Oh, no. Don't tell me we're in West Texas," Lulu cried, looking around to find the painting they had come through was nowhere in sight.

"No, you're not in West Texas. Think, snotty tot: Look at these magical Sugar Flowers? Ever see anything like that in Texas?"

"Well..."

"Of course you haven't. And do you see any litter?"

Lulu looked around. There definitely wasn't any litter around.

"What are magical Sugar Flowers anyway?" Reggie asked.

"Why don't you taste one and find out?" the gnome asked.

"Don't tell us what to do," Lulu snapped, grabbing Reggie's arm. "I don't trust you. In fact, we aren't supposed to take candy from strangers. And you are strange."

"Fine, don't taste one."

"I will if I want to," Lulu countered, breaking off a piece of what appeared to be a giant Sugar Lily and popping it into her mouth. It was sweet and tasted like vanilla but no sooner had it dissolved than she began to rise into the air. She knew she shouldn't have trusted the gnome. Rising like a helium balloon with too much helium, she grasped Reggie's hand as tightly as she could. It was a good thing she wore pants, she thought, as her feet continued to rise and she turned upside-down still holding hard Reggie's hand.

"Take a bite of it, Reggie. I can't hang on much longer." Luckily, he reached over and broke off some of the lily and put it in his mouth without arguing, perhaps a lingering effect of the black pool, and they rose together, Lulu now right side up, until the gnome and the flowers were far below.

"What's going on?" Lulu shouted at the gnome, hoping he'd offer some advice.

"You ate a Levitation Lily," the Sugar Gnome called. "See ya later. Or not."

Lulu and Reggie hung on to each other as tightly as they could.

Finally able to see beyond the flowers, Lulu saw that they were in the garden of a beautiful castle. "Look over there," she said pointing at it.

"Let's see if we can fly there," she suggested.

As soon Lulu made the suggestion, focusing her attention on it, off they went like a bullet toward the castle, still gripping each other's hands. They landed atop a high tower.

"Wow. That was great," Lulu exclaimed, letting go of Reggie's hand. Now, that was a kind of flying she could get into. It confirmed her idea that flying was great fun when you were the one in control. If only the witch would teach her how to fly on her own whenever she wanted. She could put on shows back home in Walla Walla and she'd be famous. People would pay to see her fly around and scientists would want to study her. Then she realized they'd want to do medical things to her, like stick needles in her to get blood. She wasn't going to let them study her, she decided, but she'd go on TV and she'd join the circus. She would be able to go anyplace, from Japan to Wenatchee. Anywhere.

"How'd you make us fly over here?" a no-longer-stained Reggie interrupted, just as Lulu was about to imagine flying to the moon.

"I don't exactly know. But I'd like to take some of that Levitation Lily back to Walla Walla," Lulu said, still so thrilled with the sensation of the flight she hadn't taken in their new surroundings.

"This castle is cool. I think it's made out of candy," Reggie said.

Lulu looked closer at the structure and realized he was correct. It did seem to be entirely made out of sweets. The walls looked like sugar cookies and the decorative trim was icing, like you see on a wedding cake, with fancy little bunches of icing flowers here and there. There were licorice sconces, which at first appeared wrought iron and they held candlesticks that looked to be striped peppermint sticks with wicks.

"I'm going to taste it," Reggie said, prying off what might have been a Mike and Ike at one of the windows, which he popped in his mouth without further examination.

"Don't, stupid." She slapped a peppermint out of his hand. "This is probably the witch's house. Do you want her to show up and find you eating her castle?"

"Awww. But I'm starving."

"You don't know what it might do to you. Let's just look inside." She stepped through the first doorway they came to and found a huge banquet hall, with long tables heaped with food.

"Wow, it looks like they're about to have a party," Reggie remarked, looking around them. There was turkey and ham, breads, cookies, cakes, sandwiches, and much more. There was even a Turkish Delight.

"I did wish for dinner before we went through the painting, and it was a magic painting," Lulu pointed out. (She correctly surmised that the painting also had a wishful thinking charm.)

"I don't believe in magic paintings," Reggie proclaimed.

"I guess their efficacy isn't dependent upon your believing."

"It's a stupid story."

"Whatever. You can believe we got here by any other means you think would have worked then, but I'm starved. Let's eat," Lulu declared.

"Are you sure it's safe?" Reggie asked.

Lulu marveled at how a moment ago he was willing to eat part of the castle, and now balked at a banquet. It really was like having a monkey.

"You're an idiot. And I'm so hungry that if I don't eat soon I'll die, and that isn't safe either."

Lulu and Reggie were just eating the last bites of their meals and quaffing the last of their root beer when they heard it.

"Waaaaa, haaaaaaaa, haaaaaaa." An all-too-familiar cackle rang out from above, where Lulu and Reggie saw the Wicked Witch of West Texas step from the dizzying paisley sky as if alighting from an invisible escalator. She looked unaccountably unmiffed.

**C** **hapter 15: Bruncheon**

"Arrived in time for brunch, I see," the witch observed, a rubbery looking tentacle smacking the side of her face and sticking its weird suction cup feet to her until she grabbed it and pulled it off, causing it to make a splurch sound as it came away from her skin, leaving circular red marks where the suctiony things had been.

"It's dinner. That's what I wished for."

The witch was now wearing a dress covered with millions of tiny eyeballs that swiveled about wildly, the whites of them looking like terror. The eyes were blue. They blinked in unison.

"All meals are brunch here," the witch explained. "It's a portmanteau of breakfast and lunch, so it's the only meal word we use. Unless you count the barely accepted ones like, linner, dunch, brack, and pressert."

"I see," Lulu answered, cautiously. None of those words were words, but she hated to argue with a wicked witch when said witch was well-disposed to speaking calmly.

"So, you managed to escape in spite of being obliviated. I should have known you'd be unable to resist," the witch told Lulu. "even though you had dipped your fingers in the Pool of Serenity. Cybil will be quite amazed by this bit of news. She's been looking forward to your visit here."

"Resist what?" Lulu asked. "And, you never even talk to Cybil."

"That painting is a strange attractor, Lulu. And I have my own methods of communicating with Cybil. Methods you are totally unable to apprehend."

"I might be able to decipher more than you think," Lulu said. "How do you think we had all this food waiting for us here? I made a wish when we went through the painting, that's how."

"Hmm," the witch pondered. "So, do you mean to tell me you weren't obliviated but somehow managed to fake it, and then figured out the painting was magic?"

Lulu stared at the witch, refusing to answer.

"But you still had no way of knowing about the wishful thinking charm on the painting, unless you just guessed. At any rate, you may be smarter than I anticipated. Granted that isn't necessarily saying much, but you do warrant observation. I'll probably have to dispose of you, but that's easy enough." The witch now looked very intrigued, as if there was a bad idea percolating inside her skull.

Lulu could imagine the witch's brain starting to boil and bubble. She almost expected to see steam coming out of her ears, nose and mouth. She wondered if a boiling brain would cause one's head to explode. That would be pretty gross. First her brains would probably start to leak out around her eyeballs and through her nostrils. Then the gooey grey matter would begin to blurch from her mouth before her eyes popped out...

"That won't work on me," The Wicked Witch of West Texas said to Lulu, "but it's cute that you're trying."

"So, where are we?" Reggie asked, interrupting, as usual. "Is this West Texas?"

"Didn't the Sugar Gnome just tell you this is Sugarland Not-Texas?" the witch snapped, clearly annoyed at Reggie. "How could it be West Texas?"

"Yes, but if it isn't West Texas..." Lulu began.

"This is the anti-West Texas. We're in an alternate universe in the space-time continuum."

"What?" Lulu was really puzzled now.

"Doesn't Jake read you any Stephen Hawking at bedtime?"

"Did he write ' _Goodnight Moon'_?"

The way that the witch was staring at Lulu made her think he didn't. But, "Goodnight Moon" was the last book she remembered Jake actually reading to her.

"Looks like I'm going to have to make some calls about that Jake."

"We want to go back home to Walla Walla," Lulu demanded, knowing this request was not likely to work.

"I'll make you an offer you can't refuse, then," the witch answered, much to Lulu and Reggie's surprise. "It seems that my taco conglomerate deal with the grays is about to fall through due to an unfortunate situation involving Honeydew. This Kubla fellow is cutting off supplies of the substance that was to make my tacos the most irresistible imaginable. Not only that, but the Milk of Paradise was going to make mind-control horchata a reality. Since you two have shown unexpected initiative and cunning..."

"Why don't you just go to his house and talk to him," Lulu suggested. "It's simple. Just tell him you need the Honeydew and Milk of Paradise."

"Well, it sounds simple to you but that's because you don't know the history. We aren't on the best of terms after I released a herd of Chupacabras in his little "kingdom." (The witch added sneering air-quotes around the word "kingdom.") "It was quite a scene, I tell you. Still, it's a malenky bit sad we can no longer conspire in evil conspiracies like in the old days."

"Why'd you do it?" Lulu asked, in spite of herself.

"Do I really need to answer that?"

"I guess not," Lulu answered. "It was wicked."

"Well, that, and his whole attitude changed after he decreed that "pleasure dome" (witch air quotes, again) of his. He couldn't just have a castle like all the other tyrants. He got way too big for his ridiculous, striped britches, I tell you. Got all done up with his hair floating and eyes flashing. Really gauche. He's not even a qualified tyrant, since he never passed his Machiavelli Mastery test." A tentacle started going up the witch's nose as she spoke and the blue eyeballs on her dress went mad.

"But..." Lulu attempted to break in. The witch was really on a tear and took no notice.

"Nobody could call him Ishmael any more. It was Kubla Khan, or he wouldn't even respond. And he walled-in about half of Xanadu," the witch explained. "Dammed the sacred river, started hogging the incense-bearing trees. He's insufferable now. But that herd of Chupacabras has really messed up his plans for raising magical curse-canceling cashmere."

"I don't know what we can do about it," said Lulu.

"It just so happens that there might be something you can do about it, as a matter of fact. Like I said, I had intended you two for mere taco slaves, but since you've shown a small inclination toward a certain deceptive cleverness, I've decided you might serve a higher purpose, at least for now. I can always enslave you to make tacos later if you prove to be less clever than I suspect. Actually, it's pretty unlikely that you'll survive to become taco slaves, truth be known."

"You could just turn Mr. Khan into one of those sea slugs," Lulu suggested.

"If it were anyone else I could, but when we were friends I placed a hex reversal charm on him. We were teaming up for a lot of evil schemes so it made sense at the time. That's why he's currently safe from my usual methods. But that doesn't mean there aren't ways of getting to him." The witch smiled her tight, bitter smile at Lulu and for once Reggie didn't open his yap.

The witch stared and a tentacle started to wrap around her neck.

"Oh, these tentacles. I have to change," she pulled out her wand, waved it and when the smoke cleared, her head was a mass of black cat tails. As far as Lulu was concerned, it was her best look so far. The cat tails swished and wriggled, but at least they weren't gross like the snakes and tentacles and their fur was glossy and soft looking. And they didn't have eyes, either, which was nice.

"Now, where was I? Oh, yes. Kubla. Let's talk about how you're going to help me defeat him once and for all."

Chapter 16: A Great Expedition

Lulu didn't like the direction this conversation was heading one bit.

"I don't think there's much we can do about that Kubla whatever guy."

"I believe there may indeed be something very major you can do about him. Of course, that's assuming you want to go back to Walla Walla and have everything back like it was before," the witch continued, cat tails swishing as she spoke.

"Are you saying that if we do what you want, you'll send us home?" Lulu asked. "Back to Walla Walla? As soon as we accomplish the task?"

"I doubt it will come to that, but sure," the witch answered. "if perchance you survive, I'll send you back."

The witch waved her wand and there appeared in front of her an old suitcase.

"This portmanteau," she said, pointing at the case, "contains everything you'll need for your expedition. You will travel to Xanadu and deliver this fabulous crown to my arch enemy, Khubla Khan," The witch pulled from her small bag a gold diadem that glinted and sparkled with many-colored jewels. Lulu wondered how the witch made things fit in the bag that were, themselves, larger than the bag. That would be pretty useful for a book bag to take to school. Maybe having a witch in the family could get one some pretty amazing birthday presents.

The witch held the crown overhead so it caught the sunlight in each jewel.

It was the most beautiful thing Lulu had seen and she was pretty sure Kubla would be quite pleased.

"You said, if we ' _survive_.' Does that mean this mission is dangerous?" Lulu asked.

"I hope it's dangerous," Reggie put in. "Can we carry weapons? I want a sword or a gun."

"The weapons, should you choose to accept this assignment, won't be those kinds. And yes, it's dangerous. I sincerely doubt that you'll make it, but if you do, you'll have earned your way back home. There have been others before you and none of them has ever lived so long in Sugarland as you'll have to in order to accomplished such a difficult task, but then, nobody has ever escaped the Black Mansion, either. And you _are_ my bratty relations, after all."

The Wicked Witch of West Texas opened the case, which contained an assortment of bottles and instruments and objects of every sort. There was a bottle marked "Chupacabra Repellent," a "Snipe Kit," (a pillowcase, a flashlight and a railway share) and a "Blandishment Bell," which sounded un-useful, to say the least. There was a can labeled "Gray Away Spray," that appeared to be a can of Silly String. One bottle was labeled "Eat Me," and another, "Drink Me," which Lulu was sure she wasn't going to do.

"Whatever you do, don't put on the crown--it's enchanted. If either of you put it on, the enchantment will be nixed and the crown alone won't be enough to win him over. And another thing: when you approach him, call him Kubla and don't tell him I sent you. At least not until he's tried on the crown. If he thinks I sent you, you're Chupa chow. That might appease him a bit, since his pets do enjoy treats and you two pack a lot of protein, but it won't really accomplish my objectives."

"How are we supposed to recognize him?" Lulu asked.

"You'll know him by his air of self-importance. And do keep the Chupacabra Repellent close at hand. In fact, keep it in your hand at all times, particularly on his side of the wall. As I already mentioned, he has a bit of an infestation going on over there and those critters are hungry."

Chupacabras weren't something she much wanted to run into. Legend posited that they sucked all the blood out of goats. She considered imagining what they might do to her and Reggie, but quickly squelched the thought before she started. She was feeling less enthusiastic about imagining bad things happening, for some reason.

"We don't know where this Xanadu even is," Reggie objected.

"There's a map," the witch replied. Lulu still kind of liked the cat tail hair-do, as the tails waved and twitched, their fur shining in the sun. She didn't tell the witch this, however.

Lulu hunted through the Sugarland Expedition Kit until she found a parchment scroll, which she unrolled to find was labeled "Uncharted Territory," and was otherwise blank.

"It's blank," Lulu objected.

"That's why it's called 'Uncharted Territory,'" the witch said with a sneer. "If it had a bunch of stuff on it, it would only confuse you."

"Great," said Reggie. "That should help a lot."

"Oh, and besides the mortal danger of this mission, there's another catch," the witch informed them. "There always is in these stories, you know. If you don't complete the task by Cupcake, you'll both turn into pillars of sugar, which I wouldn't terribly mind. You'll make lovely statues. Never mind that, though. The first thing you should do is find a Snipe and don't bother trying to talk to the Taco Walker. He's doomed to wander Sugarland forever looking for a taco stand after he complained about the food at my fine establishment."

"I have one question." The witch just stared at Lulu.

"If this Khubla guy can't be hexed or whatever, how it the crown going to work on him?"

"So, you're paying attention. That's very good. It will work because of my gorgeously inspired plan of having you deliver it."

"That doesn't make sense."

"Yes, it does."

"We'll only do it if you sign a contract saying that you'll send us home when we complete the task," Lulu said.

"A contract? You can trust me."

"A contract," Lulu demanded.

"Yeah. A contract," Reggie added. He was thinking about the WWJD bracelet.

"Oh, fine." The witch waved her wand and a piece of parchment appeared in her hand. The witch took a pen from her handbag and signed.

"This is magical ink and no contract written in it can ever be broken," the witch explained. "Oh, and one more piece of advice: if anyone asks what club you're in, change the subject."

"I don't belong to any clubs."

"Don't tell anyone that, no matter what."

"But why not?"

"Because here, everyone is in a club, and is against everyone in any other club, but the one thing they all agree on is that they all hate, more than anyone in any other club, persons who don't belong to a club. I dare say you'd fit nicely in the Society of the Sallow, though."

"Sallow? What's that?"

"Your coloring is extremely xanthic. If you avoid wearing navy, perhaps nobody will notice, though."

"I never wear navy. It makes me look yellow," Lulu said.

"I have to admit you're surprisingly smart considering your parentage."

With that final statement, she waved her wand and disappeared. The contract fell to the ground and Lulu retrieved it, placing it in the Expedition Kit. She had no idea whether the contract would really be enforceable, but it was all she had.

"What do we do now?" Reggie asked.

"I guess we should get started," Lulu answered.

"But we don't have any idea where we're going," Reggie pointed out.

"We have to start exploring and ask the nearby residents for directions," Lulu suggested. "The witch said to find a Snipe."

"I hate asking directions," Reggie complained. Lulu just rolled her eyes.

Reggie dug around in the Expedition Kit for a minute until he pulled something furry and black. It had a label attached that read "Navigational Mustache."

"Now this could be useful," he said sticking the sticky strip under his nose to attach it. "It's kind of cool."

The mustache looked like the ones on the mariachis at Taco World, which was almost provocation for hilarity. But, only until she realized that there was nothing funny about their situation and got control of her mirth. It didn't help that the moment Reggie attached the thing it began to twitch from side to side, though. She couldn't stifle a small guffaw.

"You're just jealous because I found it," Reggie said, looking indignant. "Now I'll know which way to go."

"Oh, really? How do we know how that thing even works?"

"It's twitching so it must mean that we should go that way." He pointed.

"Fine. We'll go that way." Lulu had no faith in the Navigational Mustache, but they did need to start moving and the way Reggie was pointing made as much sense as any.

Just then a man with long, stringy hair and the slouching posture of someone nearing collapse meandered their way.

"Excuse me," Lulu said, but the man didn't even look at her. He seemed to be muttering something to himself. Lulu took a few steps closer until she could distinguish what it was he was repeating. He was saying "must find tacos" over and over to himself. So, this must be the Taco Walker, the witch had mentioned.

"Come on, Reggie, he's not going to tell us anything," Lulu said, turning to her brother. We'll have to find someone else. The Taco Walker shuffled off, still muttering.

Reggie carried the portmanteau with their Expedition Kit inside and Lulu took charge of the crown and the Chupacabra Repellent. She wasn't sure she trusted Reggie not to try the diadem on and ruin the charm. It was exactly something she would expect him to do.

**C** **hapter 17: A Tale Told by a Jackalope**

"I'm great, I'm great, I really quite first-rate," they heard a voice calling out. "I'm great, I'm great, I'm great." As they turned to see what the commotion was a Jackalope loped up to them, still declaiming his fabulousness. He had a small mirror attached to a chain around his neck, which he took in his front paw and lifted to admire himself. Neither Lulu nor Reggie had ever seen a rabbit with horns before, except on a threatening post-card the witch had once sent from Texas, though neither of them knew at the time from whom the card came. It was now obvious.

When the Jackalope saw them he turned to address Lulu. "Aren't you lucky today? Behold my splendor."

"What are you talking about?"

"Just look at me." The Jackalope struck a pose, head held high.
"I am looking at you."

"Well, have you ever seen a more amazing specimen than I in all the briar patches of the multi-verse? Look at my soft fur, my majestic horns, my soulful eyes. I am simply the most stunning creature that I have ever seen." He stared into the mirror as he made his pronouncements.

"You are fairly amazing," Lulu agreed.

"You can say that again." The Jackalope dropped the mirror and stared at her. "I said 'you can say that again,' and I'm still waiting."

"You are fairly amazing," Lulu repeated.

"Ah, yes I really am, aren't I, Janet?"

"I suppose you belong to my fan club?"

"Of course."

"Well, I guess I won't bite you, then. I can't lose any fan club members. Or maybe I should bite you."

"Look over there. It's a UFO."

"Where?" His head jerked side to side as he scanned the area, looking flustered. "They're always after my hide."

"It's got its invisibility cloak on," Lulu said, hoping her bluff would stop the thing from biting.

"Oh, no. Not again." With that he turned and ran.

"Wait," Lulu called after him, but he didn't stop. "We're looking for a Snipe."

"Why'd he call you Janet?" Reggie asked, scratching his head, his Navigational Mustache still twitching from side to side.

"I don't even know anyone named Janet," she answered. "I guess he was just crazy. We may as well follow him, though." Reggie followed her as she started off after the Jackalope, who was now out of sight.

"The mustache is still wiggling, so it's obviously the right way to go," Reggie assured his sister.

They hadn't gone far when Lulu spotted a very small house. Too small for either of them to fit into the front door.

"What's that?" she asked pointing it out to Reggie.

"It looks like a stupid doll house," he answered.

"Let's go look."

"You go. I don't want to see a dumb, girly dollhouse. It's a waste of time," Reggie answered, nevertheless following her when she approached it.

The mailbox on the front of the house said "Bigfoot, a.k.a. Skunkape." As far as Lulu knew, Bigfoot was about nine feet tall and certainly wouldn't fit in this house. She knelt down and looked in the window, where she saw a very miniature Wild Haggis having espresso with a tiny Drop Bear. These were creatures she'd read descriptions of, but their existence was much more dubious than even things like ghosts, so she'd definitely never given the descriptions much thought. Forgetting the danger these creatures posed she called out to them.

"Hello. Can anyone here give us directions?"

The Wild Haggis and the Drop Bear both looked up, their expressions changing from surprise to anger when they saw her. The Haggis's one big eye, which was red and took up most of it's hairy face, blinked and it showed it's sharp teeth when it grinned at her. It's twisty horns, one on each side of its head, gave a low honk.

The bear scratched its head.

"Damn it, Janet," the Wild Haggis began. "You aren't wearing your watch."

Lulu didn't have a watch and she still didn't know anyone named Janet. But, wait. Maybe she did have a watch.

"Reggie, look in the portmanteau for a watch," she whispered to him.

The Haggis and Bear continued to stare at her as Reggie searched.

"What club do you suppose it's in?" Bear asked.

"Ask it," said Haggis.

"What club?"

"It looks like a Sallow. Or possibly a Crooked. Look how asymmetrical the thing is," Haggis scrutinized.

Lulu was saved from answering their queries when Reggie held up a watch. The dial looked like those on watches she'd seen in Walla Walla, except that where the twelve should be, it said "Cupcake," and where all the other numbers would normally have been, it said "Not Cupcake."

At least now they'd know if they were going to be turned into sugar, she thought, as she strapped on the watch. The thought occurred to her that she might interrogate these freaks to gain insight to their current predicament.

"Why are you calling me Janet? The Jackalope did the same thing," Lulu asked.

"The Jackalope?" both of the creatures asked in unison, looking horrified.

"It didn't bite you, did it?" the Haggis asked.

"No. But, do they really bite?"

"Sometimes. Only on their were-days. You know, when they're wer-Jackalopes. The problem is you can never tell when that's going to be," the bear said.

"You're forgetting the zombie ones," the Haggis put in. "I'm sure the witch would rather they were bitten," Haggis said to Bear. "She's been wanting a new Jackalope fur coat and a couple more pelts from these two would finish it." Lulu felt like the temperature had just dropped several degrees as they said this.

"She would make a coat out of us?" Reggie asked.

"Of course. What do you think happened to Janet?" the Bear asked.

"So, if you know what happened to Janet, why are you calling me Janet?"

"It's just a name, so it may as well be yours since Janet won't be using it anymore." the Drop Bear explained. "A Janet by any other name would be insane. By the same argument, we could call you Special."

"Can either of you tell me where I might find the Snipe?" Lulu asked, trying her hardest to sound semi-polite-ish."

"Can either of you tell me where I might find a Snipe?" the bird perched on the branch of a gumball tree repeated, inflecting her words with a whining tone. Lulu was surprised, but the Haggis and Bear didn't even look in the bird's direction.

"Well, you have to ask a Gorgon," the Wild Haggis answered after a moment of contemplation and horn scratching.

"But not a sleird one, mind you," the Drop Bear cautioned. "It has to be a fruvious one because when they're sleird they won't tell you anything."

"They won't tell you anything," the bird repeated in its plaintive tone, and still the creatures acted as if they didn't hear.

"No, the fruvious ones are the ones to watch out for. You can't ask a fruvious Gorgon a thing. Better to try a Blatherhatch than that," the Wild Haggis argued.

"You can't ask a fruvious Gorgon a thing," the bird whined.

"What's with that bird?" Lulu asked, breaking into their conversation.

"Now you've done it," the Haggis replied. "If you give a mocking bird any attention, it'll never quit."

"It'll never quit," the bird moaned.

"Filthy bird," the Bear said.

"I know you are, but what am I?" the bird whined.

"You should never speak to them," the Haggis said to Lulu. "It's the worst thing you can do with a Mocking Bird. They'll mock you all day."

"Wah, never speak to them," the bird mocked.

"Go on!" yelled the Bear and hurled a spoon at it. The mocking bird flew off. "It'll be back in a few minutes," he lamented. "You just had to go and comment on it, didn't you?"

"Sorry."

"You can't do anything to them, either because they're good luck," the Haggis added.

"Now what was it we were debating?" the Wild Haggis asked the Drop Bear.

"You just told her that she could ask a Blatherhatch how to find a Snipe," the Drop Bear reminded him.

"Oh, yes. A Blatherhatch is just the thing," the Wild Haggis answered.

"I'd sooner ask a Chupacabra than try asking a Blatherhatch," the Drop Bear shot back. "Even a Harpie is more reliable than a Blatherhatch."

"Ha," snorted the Wild Haggis, "a Harpie. That's a good one. Next you'll be telling her she could ask the Grays, or worse: a Sidehill Gouger. Wait 'til Bigfoot hears this."

"I've known some harpies that were perfectly civilized," the Drop Bear remarked, looking a bit offended. "And Sidehill Gougers don't exist."

"It's all semantics," Lulu said and both of them looked startled, having forgotten she was there. What she meant to suggest was that their conversation was offering nothing beyond word games, which wasn't entirely the case.

"You're anti-semantic remarks are offensive," the tiny Wild Haggis informed her. "Lexically speaking, of course. If you're going to use that kind of language, I don't want to talk to you at all." With this he put his fingers into his ears and started to sing God Save the Queen in a loudly vicious tone.

"I quite agree," said the mini Drop Bear, who followed suit. The sound of their singing was horrid and they were some of the most argumentative creatures she'd ever met.

Lulu also wondered if that "Lexically speaking" bit was an insult, but since she had no idea what that meant, she couldn't know. Then she remembered the dictionary. She looked up "Lexical," but it just said "depends on context." That was no help. On further inspection, she discovered that every word was defined exactly the same way, so she tossed the stupid tome over her shoulder. Anyway, she was one more Not-Cupcake closer to Cupcake than she had been before this whole conversation, or rather, not-conversation, started.

"Let's go," she said to Reggie.

"I told you coming over here was stupid," he said.

"Quick, hide," she pulled Reggie behind a candy cane bush just in time. Bigfoot, if she was correct about the identity of the very tall, hairy, brown creature, was approaching. He walked up to the tiny house and bent over, inserting his key into the lock. When he turned it the door didn't open, but Bigfoot shrunk to the size of the door, then turned the knob to open it and entered.

"Weird," Reggie remarked, slurrily, having stuffed a candy cane in his mouth.

"Everything here is," Lulu answered. "If only we can get back to Walla Walla."

"That's right," Reggie commented as if he'd realized it for the first time. "This whole thing is your fault. The witch wanted you, so it's your fault I got kidnapped." Pink drool was dripping from the corner of his mouth.

"And if you'd not been pestering me out in the field, you'd also not be here," Lulu pointed out.

"But it's still you the witch wanted, so this really is all your fault. And another thing: how did the bezoar get in your room?"

"I'm sure _you_ know the answer to that," Lulu said, glad that he wasn't smart enough to catch the deflection.

"I never saw it before."

"Whatever. I'm not going to argue about it. It's a waste of time and we don't have much of that."

No sooner had Lulu spoken than Reggie began to twitch. He fell to the ground and stiffened as electricity zapped around him. He lay there having his fit until it passed, and he was able to sit up, looking dazed and confused.

"Can you stand up?"

He did, slowly.

"What happened?"

"You just fell on the ground and had some kind of a fit."

"No I didn't."

"Do you remember why you were down on the ground?"

"No, how did I get there?"

"I just told you."

"I don't believe you."

"What do you think happened, then?"

"I don't know. Maybe I fell asleep?" He looked befuddled.

"We have to keep moving, Reggie."

Reggie was feeble, but he followed Lulu, carrying the Expedition Kit.

**C** **hapter 18: Piñata Peril**

They hadn't walked far when they came upon a couple of strange beings who appeared to be having a discussion.

"I always say chocolate is only good in small amounts," the Dragon said. "Melts too easily."

"True, I've always avoided it. It can really mess up your insides," the clown replied. "I go with the classic sugar skulls."

"Sugar skulls are the only way to go. All of those squeaky little voices," the dragon agreed. "They're so unnerving."

The odd thing about these two was that they appeared to be made out of paper and they were covered with small streamers of colored crepe, the dragon mostly of green. The clown had on a red paper dress over black and white striped legs.

As Lulu studied the them, she realized that they were piñatas. Living, speaking piñatas.

"Let's try these two and see, Mary. They look fairly dafficalt," the dragon suggested as they approached Lulu and Reggie. Just as Lulu was about to say something to the dragon, his midsection erupted spewing forth a blast of candy skulls that rained down around them. The skulls were squeaking, as promised. She could catch a word here and there, but it seemed not to have any particular sense.

"Cool," Reggie said as he bent down and started collecting handfuls and putting them into the Expedition Kit.

Lulu watched as the dragon's midsection reformed itself so that one would never know it had exploded just moments before. That would be an interesting skill to have for a human, she thought. She imagined the shock and horror she could create if she were able to pop her guts out all over the floor and then magically re-heal. She could get out of ever having to go to school again. In fact, she'd probably be banned from school, because she would cause everyone in the room to vomit at the same time. Even the teacher. Then they would probably all start slipping around in all that puke and falling down and stuff. The thought was sickening. The principal would come in and he'd slip in the barf too, just before he started to barf. Lulu almost laughed, but the situation was still too distressing.

"See, that one is picking up everything. They don't really care if it even tastes good," the dragon said. "They'll probably scarf it all down without thinking and then get into a van with us."

"But that one," Mary pointed to Lulu, "is just standing there staring, Marty."

"Maybe it's afraid of being poisoned," Marty said. "Or it could merely be stupid."

"Reggie, put that candy back right now." Lulu grabbed his arm and jerked him away from it. Lulu was suddenly reminded of one of Jake's pranks.

"Cut it out," Reggie whined, "I'm going to have to empty out this case just to fit it all in."

"Did you not hear the dragon mention poison just now?"

Reggie thought for a few seconds and then began to put the candy skulls back on the ground.

"What are you creatures?" Lulu asked.

"We're the Popping Piñata People, of course," the piñata clown answered. "I'm Mary Pop'ns, and this is Marty."

"Do you know how to get to Xanadu? Or how to find a Snipe?"

"Oh, no. Our heads are quite empty. We don't know anything," the dragon answered. "Now aren't you going to take some of that nice candy I just popped out. It isn't poison. I promise. In fact, if it poisoned you I would give you a full refund."

"Refund of what? I didn't buy anything."

"Oh, well I'd give you one anyway." the dragon said.

"Didn't that one just have a fit?" the piñata clown asked, pointing at Reggie.

"How did you know that?" Lulu asked.

"I didn't have a fit."

"We saw you," said Marty.

"We were watching," said Mary.

As she made this statement both of the piñata people's eyes opened on tiny hinges and mouse heads emerged. Four mice peered at them from what had been the eyes.

"Don't let those rodents distract you. They live in our heads," Mary said.

"That's pretty distracting," Lulu said, unable to take her eyes off the mice, who stared back. They were cute.

"We used to be regular kids until the witch found us."

"She took the filling out of our skulls and decided to raise mice in them to save space." This time Marty spoke. "Now we have more going on in there, so it's fun. The mice tickle our eardrums, though."

"Come on, Reggie." Lulu walked past the Piñata People.

"Don't try the black stuff," Mary said, as Lulu passed. The only black stuff Lulu knew of was the stuff from the Pool of Serenity.

"Let's get moving. These two are creepy." Lulu tugged Reggie's arm.

"The mustache is still moving so we must be on the right track," Reggie assured her. She rolled her eyes but didn't say anything.

Lulu turned away from the Popping Piñata People and Reggie followed.

**Chapter 19** **: To Be Cybil or Not to Be**

"Hey. Look over there. That looks like Cybil." Lulu looked in the direction Reggie was pointing and sure enough a thing that looked a great deal like Cybil appeared to be observing them through a lorgnette. The creature didn't look exactly like Cybil, but the resemblance was striking.

"Hey, Cybil," Lulu called, running toward the figure. "Come on, Reggie. Cybil will help us."

Reggie followed, lugging the Expedition Kit.

"Cybil. What are you doing here?" Lulu had a moment of doubt as to the identity of the Cybil-shaped thing when it glanced her way and then looked beyond her.

"Don't call me Cybil. When I'm here you have to call me the 'Wicked Witch of West Texas.' That's what I go by when in this country."

"You aren't the Wicked Witch of West Texas. You're being a creep. And you look different, too."

"I'm on a Goosebury, Lulu."

"I don't understand."

"Relatives are a frightful bother, particularly on holidays, unless they're dead. When they're dead they don't really bother me much except for the way their ghosts just keep skulking about in the shadows. So stupid. Anyway, that's why I'm Gooseburying. You can't believe how tiresome it is with you two missing," Cybil pulled a mock pathos face, "'Oh, the poor things this, and the poor darlings that. What if the witch harms a hair on their dear little heads. Oh, the tragedy.' I had to get out of there before I spewed, so Goosebury has taken a dreadful turn."

"You still haven't explained Gooseburying."

"I've come to go see my dear sick friend, Goosebury. And I won't be back 'til well after they all forget about you two. That could take several weeks, probably 'til after the Halloween feast. Which will be handy because I'll also get to skip that." Cybil looked very pleased with herself, which confirmed for Lulu her Cybil-ness. "Well, I would have missed that anyway, but this way it's all combined into one Goosebury."

"What's wrong with Goosebury?"

"He hasn't decided if he's dead or undead, Lulu. So, whenever your Granny announces a holiday dinner, or some snot-nosed cousins go missing, I go Gooseburying, because he suddenly becomes extremely distressed and needs my assistance."

"Where is this Goosebury?"

"He lives in West Texas, of course, on a Chupacabra ranch."

"I want to meet Goosebury."

"You'll never. He couldn't survive a day of bratty behavior, especially when undead, which he may be at the moment," Cybil explained. "And what is that you're wearing, Reggie?"

"It's a Navigational Mustache."

"Stupid," Cybil said, with a snort. "You look like an idiot."

"You're just mean, Cybil. At least you can tell us how to find a Snipe," Lulu said to her usually-grumpy, but currently-nasty cousin.

"No. I can't." Cybil scowled into her lorgnette, studying something in the distance. "And call me the Wicked Witch of West Texas. I told you that's my Gooseburying name. Now, you two will see me later, most likely, unless I see you first. I'm off to the Menger Hotel to see Goosebury. Don't tell what's-her-name you saw me here, either."

"The Wicked Witch of West Texas?" Lulu asked.

"I know I'm here you little dolt."

"Who are we to not tell, then?"

"My mother."

"Why not?"

"Because I have no intention of visiting her," Cybil turned as if to go, but then paused and turned back to them and added: "I don't suppose she warned you that this place is crawling with cobras?"

"Cobras?" Lulu was now even more worried for their safety.

"Yeah. If you see one, just hope there's a honey badger around somewhere and that it doesn't decide to eat you when it finishes off the cobra. This is a savage place, wholly enchanted. The good news is that once the hullaballoo dies down over you two, I'll likely not have to put up with either of you ever again."

She raised a wand in front of her and and purple sparks flew from the end. Cybil disappeared. Lulu could hardly believe what she had just seen. Cybil with a wand? In Sugarland? Acting wicked?

"I think we should tell the witch about this," Lulu said, hoping that turning Cybil in would make the witch more happyish with them. She didn't know how to contact the witch, but she had an idea.

"I don't want to tell her anything," Reggie objected. Lulu ignored him.

"I don't think the Wicked Witch of West Texas is really wicked."

Smoke filled the air and sparks flew as, right in front of Lulu, the witch materialized.

"I heard what you said, Lulu. You have some explaining to do, since Wicked has always been my name and I shouldn't want to have any other." Lulu was glad to see the cat tails were still in residence on her head, swishing about wildly.

"I wanted to tell you what Cybil is up to. She says she's going Gooseburying in Sugarland and I figured out where Goosebury is." Lulu told the witch everything Cybil had said.

"The Menger, eh? Very interesting."

"That's what she said."

"I think we should meet Goosebury, since Cybil is using him as an excuse to get out of Walla Walla and miss Halloween dinner," Lulu continued.

"Missing Halloween dinner, eh?" The Wicked Witch of West Texas looked very intrigued. "I say we pay a social call on this Goosebury. Show me your watch."

"Lulu held up her wrist and the witch waved her wand over it."

"There, I've stopped time while we sort this out."

"Stopping a watch doesn't stop time," Lulu objected.

"It does when you use magic," the witch said.

With that the Wicked Witch of West Texas raised her wand and gave a little wave. Everything around them blurred a bit and then clarified again, and when it did, they were in a strange place. It was an entirely transparent, circular room with a metallic ceiling. As Lulu turned around to take in her surroundings she realized that they were still in the same place. The grass beneath the clear floor was still pink and the sky a now-blurred plaid, and they were near a giant witch. She realized that they were inside of a jar.

"What the heck?" Lulu said.

"Yeah, what's going on?" Reggie put in.

"I'm considering using the two of you as poisoeuvres. You'd look so scrumptious on a plate." The witch's voice boomed inside the jar.

"What are you talking about?"

"Well, I wanted an easy way to transport you, but I now realize that I could make poison pickles of the two of you for use on annoying guests."

"We can't do your bidding if you make us into poison snacks."

"True enough. Let's just make sure you're actually doing my bidding, though, shall we?" She flicked her wand and everything blurred. They found themselves standing on a sidewalk in front of a big building, and happily, no longer in the pickle jar. There were huge pickups and SUVs going by honking horns and it was hot. Lulu examined the building. "The Menger Hotel," its sign read.

It was white with three stories, a green-railed balcony on the second floor, and green awnings. The witch pushed open the big glass door and walked inside, followed by Lulu and Reggie, who was still carrying the Expedition Kit. Lulu slipped the can of Chupacabra Repellent into her pocket for the time being, since she was pretty sure they wouldn't be allowed in a hotel.

"I'm here to see Goosebury," the Wicked Witch of West Texas told the desk clerk at the Menger, who bore a strange resemblance to the Marginal Wizard of Calamity Flats. He was skinny with frizzy red hair, but the desk clerk was also cross-eyed.

"Who should I say is here?"

"The Wicked Witch of West Texas, of course," she replied.

"The Wicked Witch of West Texas just went up to see him."

"No, I'm standing right here. Unless you believe I am bi-locating or that this is another doppelganger event, in which case I'd be wearing red," the wicked witch answered.

"I wouldn't know. Goosebury is in room 320, at any rate," the man replied. "Schrodinger's cat seems to have just gone up too."

"How curious," the witch remarked on her way to the elevator.

"You must be Goosebury," the witch said to the man who opened the door. He wore a pince-nez and had a beard.

"Oh, no, I'm Professor Prattle. Goosebury's out on a wild goose chase. Who might you be?"

"Dare you ask? I am the Wicked Witch of West Texas," she replied.

The man looked slightly terrified.

"No, that's impossible unless you are bi-locating or a doppelganger because the Wicked Witch of West Texas is in the next room and you look nothing like her. "And what are those things on your head?"

"If I were a doppelganger or bi-locating how would I look nothing like myself?" the witch asked, ignoring the question about the cat tails.

"Yeah, how?" Lulu put in. She was liking _one_ aspect of the kidnapping, which was that nobody seemed to mind her being rude to adults.

Just then Cybil walked into the room.

"Well, Cybil. Fancy meeting you here." The witch gave her a look laced with ice-9.

"You must be mistaken," Prattle said. "This is the Wicked Witch of West Texas."

"Really? 'Wicked,' eh? You don't have your Wickidity Warrant. I dare say you haven't even passed your Portmanteau Primaries."

"What's a Portmanteau Primary?" Lulu asked.

"You throw a bunch of words into a suitcase and by magic make them scramble up and take on new meanings. Confusing meanings, if you're skilled. Why, some of my Portmanteaus have yet to be deciphered. Do you understand what it means to have that kind of power?"

"Who are you?" Prattle turned to Cybil.

"Well, I'm on a Goosebury, and when I am I like to call myself 'Wicked.' That way when news of my deeds reaches Walla Walla, where I'm know to be quite sweet, everyone assumes the bad deeds were done by someone more truly wicked, if you know what I mean."

"I think I do," the Wicked Witch answered. "Surprisingly wicked of you, really. And yet I shouldn't think that you could really call yourself 'Wicked'. 'The Very Bad Witch of West Texas,' perhaps. Maybe even the 'Quite Terrible Witch of West Texas'."

"My wickidity is much-enhanced by being in Texas. You know, they do have schools here, but luckily education has no effect in Texas. This enhances wickidity to such a degree that when I'm in Texas I'm really quite diabolical, and since this is the alternate reality version, when I get here, I'm even worse." Cybil explained. "It's all just semantics, anyway."

"That's all well and good, but how do you propose to get around the fact that I'm the Wicked Witch of West Texas, meaning that you can't be, because aside from bi-location or doppelganger situations, nobody can be in two places at once.

"It doesn't matter. It's just another type of bi-location," Cybil argued. "We're both here right now and no ill has befallen us."

"Good point. We can probably do it as long as neither of us bi-locates to the same places at the same time because that would accelerate all of the particles in the known universe causing a black hole like that Hadron thing did."

"True," Cybil said.

"It's a terrible bore to have the end of the world twice in one week," the witch pointed out. "It's simply not done in better circles."

"That would be tiresome," Cybil agreed.

"Why are we here if the world already ended?" Lulu asked.

"Nobody's noticed it yet," the witch answered. "And I dare say they shan't."

Lulu was confused.

"I think you should simply think of another place to Goosebury," the witch said, turning to Cybil, "One rather similar in some ways to Texas."

"Does such a place exist?" Cybil asked, astonished.

"Of course. You've heard of Kansas, right?"

"That's a great idea. The wicked witch of Kansas, or perhaps even the wicked witch of Wichita. There's a well-established wickidity tradition there and the alternate universe that's already in place is has an opening for a wicked witch..." Cybil commented. As she did, Schrodinger's cat slinked from the inner room and gave the witch a sly look. "They may even find themselves changing the spelling of Wichita to reflect it's new status as a place be-witched."

"But what about Goosebury?" Lulu asked.

"I guess he'll have to be dead for now. Until he can be undead in Kansas."

"There will be plenty of wild geese for Goosebury to chase.," said the witch.

"If only he would try a tame goose chase he might actually have the chance to bury one," Cybil answered. "Can't tell him that though. Well, we've quite killed Goosebury for now so I may as well relocate."

"What about the Chupacabra ranch?" Lulu asked.

"I suppose he'll have to find a new line of work," Cybil admitted. "Maybe he'll start a Sasquatch Spa. Bigfoots can always use a good pedicure."

"I'll just zap you to Wichita so you can begin to get Goosebury established." The witch raised her wand and, poof, Cybil was gone, as was the cat that had been with her which looked a lot like Schrodinger's.

"Now, there's the question of what to do with the two of you." The witch had looked them up and down.

"Doesn't this prove that we are doing our duty?"

"Well, yes, but seeing you two puts me in mind of interesting experiments I might need subjects for. I guess I really should let you get back to work, though. Maybe next time you come around you could bring a friend or two. If you two actually have any friends."

"This entire hotel will be underground anytime now," Professor Prattle remarked, squinting through his pince-nez at his pocket watch. They'd all but forgotten his presence, but that was mainly due to the fact that he was becoming a bit transparent.

"The hotel is sinking, so we'd better go," said the witch. She waved her wand and Lulu found herself back where she'd been when Cybil had arrived.

**C** **hapter 20: Resisting Everything but Temptation**

"This portmanteau is heavy," Reggie complained after they had walked a short distance, the trail now ascending a small hill. "Why can't I carry the crown and you carry this stupid kit? Or maybe we could just leave the kit behind."

Lulu didn't answer him, though. She was too busy contemplating the huge stone wall that came into view far off against the horizon as they reached the top of the hill. The sky had gone to a pinker color, and more plaid, as they crested the rise, and the grass had taken on a decidedly mauve cast as well. It appeared to be getting a bit dusky.

"Look there, in the distance," she said. "I wonder if that's Kubla Khan's kingdom. The witch mentioned a wall."

"I'm not going any farther," Reggie announced. I'm staying here and you can go find this Khan guy, if he even exists. And you can have this stupid Expedition Kit, too. I'm finished."

"I can't carry that and the crown and the Chupacabra repellent. I only have two hands. You have to come or we'll never get back home."

"So, wear the crown," Reggie shot back. "She'll never know."

"Have you forgotten that there's a charm on it and if either of us puts it on Kubla will have us eaten by Chupacabras?"

"Well, too bad. You'll just have to figure something out," Reggie retorted.

"You're scheduled to turn into sugar too, in case you've forgotten."

"I don't believe that nonsense about sugar," Reggie said, "She's just trying to scare us into doing what she wants. It's probably just a trap she's sending us into, anyway," Reggie countered.

"She already had us at the castle, so why send us into a trap?" Lulu pointed out. "And if you want to get home, you have to help me."

"Well, you're not the boss of me. I'm tired and hungry so I'm not going," he said, as he sat down on the ground. "I'm going to take a nap and then go back to that castle where there's plenty of food. You do what you want."

She argued with him for some minutes but it finally became clear that he wasn't going to cooperate. Looking at the watch, she discovered that they had used up another Cupcake since leaving the Haggis and Bear.

"We're going to get turned into sugar if we don't hurry."

She gave up on him when he started saying "I know you are but what am I?" to her every remark. Lulu decided she should look through the Expedition Kit and see if there was anything that might help her carry the crown and the case, since Reggie wasn't going to help.

As soon as she opened the kit, Reggie fell to the ground again in another fit. He went stiff again and began to shake, electricity pulsing around him.

She had just dropped the turbo encabulator and barely managed to catch it in the vacuum bucket when her eyes lit on something unexpected. It was the answer to her problem, or maybe two. She seemed to recall the Piñata people mentioning "the black stuff," in reference to Reggie's fits.

Reggie was coming to again.

"Reggie, if you're going back to the castle you might want to take this with you." She handed him the map of 'Uncharted Territory.'

"This map is useless," Reggie said, flinging it down.

"Not if you have this magic ink," she said showing him the vial. "Just dip your finger in the ink and then touch the map. It's like that lemon juice trick. The real map appears magically."

"Cool," Reggie exclaimed, grabbing the vial out of her hand.

Lulu felt a little thrill of satisfaction as Reggie unscrewed the top of the vial and stuck his finger in.

The moment his finger touched the ink she knew she'd have no more argument from him. She also realized she'd just pulled the same trick on Reggie that the Wicked Witch of West Texas had in getting him to touch the liquid from the Pool of Serenity. She'd purposely obliviated her brother.

But, Lulu reasoned, I am trying to get us home and the wicked witch obliviated Reggie just to achieve some strange taco obsession. So, it isn't really the same. Besides, it might help his fits.

Maybe she should just undo the obliviation. It wasn't until she had that thought that she realized she didn't know any way, other than passing through a magic painting to undo it.

What if it didn't come undone even when they went back to Walla Walla? She had a strange feeling in her stomach she'd never felt before and it wasn't good. It was as if the fireflies had turned to slithering serpents. She wondered if she had maybe even wanted Reggie like this forever when she tricked him, and then Lulu pictured explaining this to their parents. She could blame the witch, but was it really just the witch's fault?

True, the witch put her in this situation, which lead to the obliviating, but... It was all too confusing. Figuring out who was most at fault was impossible.

One thing was for sure: if her parents found out the truth they probably wouldn't want her around anymore, she thought. They might even willingly give her to the witch and never want to see her again. Lulu was about to cry when she realized she couldn't. The only chance she had to get Reggie better was to press on with their quest and, if ever the unlikely situation were to occur that she needed his advice, all she would have to do is ask herself "WWRD" and she could easily imagine for herself his stupid input without having to listen to it longer than she wanted to.

Lulu took a deep breath and made up her mind that she'd find the stupid Khan and the witch would be so pleased she'd put Reggie back the way he was. It was the only way. For her to do it, though, she had to quit standing around thinking and get moving. And Reggie, who now had no choice, was still going to have to help. She reached over and ripped the Navigational Mustache off his face and threw it down. At least she wouldn't have to look at that thing any more.

"Now, pick up the case and follow me," Lulu told him. He obeyed her. It was nice not to have him argue about every little thing.

As they went down the hill toward the meadow, on the other side of which the wall loomed, something that Lulu had taken from a distance to be a rock came into closer view. It was a statue of a girl about her size.

On closer examination, it looked to be made entirely of sugar. Glistening, white sugar. Even the dress and apron she wore and the ribbon used to tie back her solid-sugar hair. On closer inspection, Lulu discovered a small plaque on one heel of the shoe of the statue that read "Special." Lulu looked at Reggie, who, of course just stared, and felt for a moment like she did when he dumped ice cubes down the back of her dress. The Not-Cupcakes were passing too fast, she thought looking again at the watch to discover another was gone.

Who had this girl been before she got changed to sugar? Lulu wondered if she had a cousin that nobody had heard from for long time. Whomever the girl was, Lulu didn't want to suffer the same fate. She had to hurry. "Let's get to that wall," she said to Reggie, who followed her.

Lulu made her way across the meadow, and as she did a breeze kicked up and suddenly a number of fluffy pink balls of what appeared to be cotton candy came tumbling across the grassy expanse.

"What in the world..." Lulu began, as one of them blew past.

"Those are tumbleweeds," a voice remarked. Looking around, though, Lulu couldn't find the source of the voice. Reggie stood staring, taking no notice of anything.

"Who said that?" Lulu demanded.

"Why, I did, of course," the gravelly voice replied.

Lulu looked in the direction from which the voice had come, but still saw nobody.

"Why can't I see you?"

"Because when I hunt I'm invisible, but watch and I'll show you the tip of my nose."

Suddenly there appeared floating mid-air about two feet off the ground a wet black nose.

"Are you a dog?"

"No, I'm a coyote and being invisible is just one of my tricks."

"What are you hunting?" It occurred to Lulu that she didn't know if invisible coyotes liked to dine on kids, and that this animal might be dangerous.

"Oh, don't worry, I'm a grammarian, meaning I only eat language parts. I was just after some dangling modifiers. There's a whole tree full of them around here somewhere. They're wonderful with a lightly dressed word salad and some alphabet soup. One can make most anything happen with the skillful application of just the right jumble of sounds."

Lulu wasn't sure what in the world this strange animal was talking about, and she was pretty sure the explanation would make as little sense as the original statement.

"Okay," Lulu said, addressing herself to the floating nose. "I'm also hunting. Something called a Snipe. Do you know where to find one?"

"I would look in every direction."

"That's not terribly helpful advice," Lulu replied.

"How do you even know I'm not a Snipe that's getting ready to gobble you up for brunch?"

"You just said you're a coyote and a grammarian."

"Do you always believe what any old stranger you meet tells you?"

"No, of course not."

"Even if I knew where a Snipe was I'd probably lie to you about it. I'd lie and say I didn't, or I'd lie and tell you it was someplace else, or maybe I'd lie and say that I was the Snipe you sought." The nose jiggled up and down as the otherwise invisible creature talked. "That way you'd learn not to believe everything you're told."

Lulu realized that no matter what this weird creature told her, she wouldn't be able to believe it.

"We'd best be going now. Come on, Reggie."

"Don't go. I was just starting to enjoy your company. Some people very much like the company of coyotes, especially the ones that are hairy on the inside."

A pair of brown eyes appeared above the nose and stared at Lulu. A chill tingled her spine. She didn't like this coyote's tone, if a coyote it even was.

"I really have to be going. I have important things to do."

"Oh, well then, perhaps I should come along. I'm ever so good at important things. In fact, they are the only things I ever do. Why do anything if it isn't important? That's my motto, and you should know that the very fact that I undertake an activity is enough to make that activity important."

"No, thanks. I don't want to take your time from finding that tree."

"Oh, that. Never mind that. You said you have important things to do, so I'll just come along. Besides, I think there will be plenty of food wherever you two are going."

"No, really, coyote. It's going to be dangerous. We have to go to someplace called Xanadu that's full of Chupacabras."

"Oh, good. Anything that involves Chupacabras is terribly important."

"I'm going now. You can just get back to whatever it was you were doing."

"Yes. Let's go," the disembodied nose and eyes said before fading away.

"Come on Reggie. See you later coyote."

"You haven't even seen me now," the voice reminded her. "Except for my nose and eyes, which you don't even know were mine and not just a set I took off the last creature that crossed my hunting path."

Lulu continued across the field, a few more pink cotton candy tumbleweeds blowing by as she did.

"This is a tumbleweed race day," the voice said.

"Why don't you just go on about your business?"

"I do love adventures," the deep voice said.

Lulu wondered how long the coyote would hang on before getting bored. She hoped not too long, because she found his invisibility unnerving.

"What ever we do won't matter much anyway, because the witch will likely turn you into sugar like Special back there," the coyote said. "Of course, that was before she fixed that problem with her snakes. She turned a number of varmints to sugar statues before she got it worked out."

"Who was Special, anyway?"

"Nobody important, but I'm very busy and must be on my way."

"Good," Lulu answered. After a blab-free minute, she decided he'd probably scrammed.

**Chapter 21: Strange Desire** s

They were walking in what Lulu was sure was the general direction of the distant wall when she heard an eerie tune being whistled, seemingly carried by the wind.

"Excuse me, miss," a man's voice said behind her. She spun around to find two people gazing curiously at her and her obliviated brother. "I'm Special Agent Sculder and this is my partner, Special Agent Mulley." He pointed to the red-haired woman at his side.

"Sounds like your problem to me. Beat it," Lulu declared. She was getting concerned about the passing Not-Cupcakes, and didn't have time to waste on these two.

"We're looking into reports of some strange phenomenon in this area, possibly involving witchcraft and extra-terrestrial activities," Sculder continued, paying Lulu's bratty reply no mind. "If we can figure out where we are, that is."

Lulu just stared at them for a moment, not knowing what to make of this development. She didn't like the look of Sculder, who was looking at her as sneakily as a fox. Mulley was staring piercingly, too.

"You haven't seen anything unusual in the area, have you?" Mulley asked.

"Well, I..." Lulu hesitated. "I was abducted by the Wicked Witch of West Texas and taken to a weird haunted place, but I escaped through a magic painting to this alternate universe, and right now I'm possibly being followed by an invisible coyote."

"Abducted? How?" Sculder looked excited and Mulley, well, she just looked irked. "I told you we were in an alternate universe, Mulley. This is the best Z File ever."

"Sculder, don't go getting all excited. There's no wicked witch here, just some very good candidates for group therapy. She has an imaginary coyote following her, for Pete's sake."

"There is a witch. And she's my aunt, and the coyote is invisible, not imaginary. There's a difference," Lulu replied.

"Tell us about these abductions," Sculder answered. Mulley just rolled her eyes, as Sculder pulled out a recorder. Lulu began to briefly recount the tales chronicled here, and Sculder grew more gleeful by the second. Lulu hoped the chatty coyote would speak up, but for some reason he'd decided to clam up.

"So, you're saying alien visitations are connected with the witch? This is fantastic."

"Sculder, she's telling you tall tales. The Wicked Witch of West Texas is clearly a local legend fueled by mistrust of people from other places, which naturally includes Texans who are outsiders here, wherever this is. Add to that some familial dysfunction and you set the stage for all kinds of ridiculous beliefs. The alien part is, no doubt, due to popular culture. Television shows fuel societal fears of aliens, offering a fantastic target for the more mundane fear of people from other countries which is obviously metastasizing with the local legend, causing delusional fantasy among the more bratty inhabitants," Mulley replied. "There is no such thing as the Wicked Witch of West Texas. Think about it. If you could do magic why would you live in Texas? Why not the Bahamas? And why would aliens want to help operate a taco conglomerate? It's illogical."

"She lives in Texas because she can make wormholes into alternate universes, and nobody in Texas is likely to notice," Lulu explained. "Think about it. Does this look like Texas to you? There's no litter."

"Exactly," Sculder exclaimed. "It makes perfect sense." Mulley looked at him like he was a lunatic.

"I can't believe you're buying this," Mulley replied. "And what about the boy? What's wrong with him?"

"He's obliviated," said Lulu. "I had to do it because he wasn't going to help on our quest and if we fail we're going to be magically transformed into pillars of sugar. Plus, he's been having these fits after falling into the Pool of Serenity and swallowing some kind of electric eel."

"I see. It sounds like over-medication to me." Mulley pulled a small flashlight from her pocket, shined it in each of Reggie's eyes.

"Watch this," said Lulu. "Put down the crown." Reggie did. "Pretend to be a pig."

Reggie got down on all fours and began to snort.

"Okay, enough of that," Mulley said, and Reggie got back up. "Clearly he's been given some kind of drug.

"I for one would like to see this Pool of Serenity she mentioned and have some tests run on it, along with the eels she says he swallowed one of." Sculder said, causing Mulley to look perturbed.

"Sculder, really."

Just then a loud pop split the bright air and in a ball of light she began to materialize. The Wicked Witch of West Texas, that is. Her head was now covered with a profusion of squirming vines, from which sprouted black flowers like the one the witch had called "flower of evil."

"Who dares to call me during my soiree?" the witch demanded angrily. Sculder and Mulley just gaped. "I was having a Dionysian Psychadelic Lemonade Bruncheon with Elvis." The vines on the witch's head twisted around one another as the witch spoke.

"Nobody called you," Lulu replied. "so you can just dematerialize back to wherever it is you go."

Sculder and Mulley were aghast at the ghastly sight. Lulu pictured small flying insects zooming into their gaping mouths.

"I heard you talking about me. You interrupted my date with the King, so it had better be good. I'm all done up with flower of evil vines for hair, and my best Jackalope fur cape, so start explaining." It really was lustrous fur.

"The FBI is onto you, you mean old witch," Lulu retorted. "And Elvis is dead."

"Rumors of his death have been greatly exaggerated. He's alive and well here in Sugarland. There's always been a corridor between Sugarland and Graceland. The only time he returns to the ordinary universe is for barbeque and his performances, which have taken an ironic turn."

"Did you hear me? The FBI knows about you."

"Well, not for long," the witch replied, taking her wand from her sleeve.

"Excuse me, Ms. Witch, but I would appreciate it if you would answer a few questions," Sculder began.

"We'll see how being brain-blasted by aliens effects your curiosity," the witch said in her meanest sour-apple voice. With that, her wand, held aloft, began to glow like a beacon and within a few seconds the mother ship appeared above them. It looked like the same one Lulu had seen on their way to Texas, all silvery and covered with lights.

"So, it's true. You are connected with the aliens," Sculder commented.

"You're a quick study," the witch answered, just as the beam shot from the craft and began to lift the agents toward the opening in its underside.

"This is great," Sculder exclaimed.

"We're being abducted, Sculder." Mulley objected. "We're going to be brain-blasted."

"Haven't you heard of 'takin' one for the team?' Now we'll know."

"They'll just obliterate our memory of the event like they did last time," Mulley reminded him.

"I forgot about that," Sculder said dejectedly as they continued their ascent.

"See you two later," Lulu called, waving at the agents. "Or not."

"Now, get busy brats. And don't interrupt me again." The witch looked peeved. "Not until you've finished your task."

"Hey, you wicked woman," a voice sounded from in the witch's handbag. She pulled out a small crystal ball and in it Lulu could see someone who bore a distinct resemblance to Elvis, young Elvis, like in the movies.

"I'm on my way. It was just some FBI agents who are having a lovely spa vacation with the grays right about now." With that she waved her wand and disappeared.

Lulu realized that they had wasted yet another Not-Cupcake goofing around with the stupid FBI agents and to make matters worse there seemed to be fewer Not-Cupcakes total represented on the face of the watch than there were last time she checked, giving them only two to go before they met an un-sweet, sugary fate.

"Come on Reggie, let's get to the wall now." It occurred to Lulu that the coyote seemed to have genuinely disappeared, which was fine with her.

As they crested a small knoll, a building came into view that Lulu hadn't seen before and since it wasn't far away Lulu decided to check it out. The building was brick and had four tall columns framing the front door. She made for it as quickly as she could.

What are you?" Lulu asked the weirdo standing in front of the building which signage declared to be a library.

"I am what I am," it answered, pushing thick glasses up higher on the bridge of its nose, "and by any name would smell the same. How do you know you really even exist?"

"Are you a Snipe?"

"It might be the Snipe you seek, but it will never admit it." the deep coyote voice said from off to the left.

"I am different things in different places and different places are different times," the thing answered. "You may ask me any question, my dear. I will tell you anything you wish to know, for I live in the library and have read every book therein."

"Where do we find a Snipe?" Lulu asked, unsure she wanted to wait for any more answers from the weirdo.

"It would depend on the time at which one wanted to find said Snipe and whether or not there is a creature, the true essence of which, could be aptly described as 'Snipe.' For what does 'Snipe' really signify anyway?"

"Uh..."

"How would you describe this being that you seek?"

"I don't know. I've never seen one."

"That barely matters. What do you imagine it to be like?"

"I was hoping you could tell me something about it."

"What possible meaning could my description of the Snipe have for one who has not, herself, any experience with the thing? For all you know, you could meet a Snipe on the road and not know it was the thing you sought."

"Have you seen a Snipe? Yes, or no?"

"If we don't know the nature of the thing, mightn't we call any creature 'Snipe'? Surely we must define what distinguishes it from all other creatures."

"Okay, so how about if _you_ tell _me_ what distinguishes it?"

"That's not the point. I might describe a thing that is other than that which you seek, but which I might call by the nomenclature that you use, for you cannot tell me any real quality, rather you have only a word, and that word could mean something to me other than that which it means to you. Indeed, we have not even established the existence of the thing. Do I make myself clear?"

"Hardly."

"There's nothing hard about it. Now, if we are to accept the existence of this creature, which we shall, for the sake of this argument, call 'Snipe,' then how will we decide which qualities are absolutely essential in order to define it's 'Snipe-ness,' if you will? Furthermore, if we are not positive that such a thing exists could not, then, any quality at all, like chocolatiness, or blandishments be considered attributes essential to 'Snipe-ness?' Perhaps it's an aubergine animal, or a chlorocronous cat."

"I would be happy to tell you about the Snipe once I've seen one," Lulu said.

"What would be the exact context of the seeing of this creature whose existence you posit as a possible reality or at least conjectural form? Would one expect to encounter it under moonlight? Perhaps in perfect thunder? Or in one's mind?"

"Maybe we should just look in the library ourselves." Lulu stepped toward the door of the building, but the bespectacled weirdo held up his arm to bar her way.

"You must not go in there. It's a dangerous labyrinth and you will become hopelessly lost if you set foot inside to find the answers you seek and you'll have no way of knowing what is true and what is not, which is why I'm here."

"It says it's a library."

"Do you always believe what you're told? Perhaps it's the Salon Sanguinaria and you're being lured inside to provide the ingredients for cocktails. Why the two of you contain quarts of juice and would provide two garnishes each."

"I think it's probably just a library."

"All libraries are labyrinths. They're the most confusing places imaginable."

"Maybe I'll take my chances."

"Oh, no. I cannot allow that. It's far too dangerous. Just ask me whatever it is you need to know and I'll tell you the answers. It's way less confusing than getting lost in there. I never allow anyone in there except for myself. But it doesn't matter since I have all the answers."

Lulu was pretty sure she'd rather try to figure out what she needed to know herself than waste any more time on the nonsense the possible Snipe or not-Snipe offered.

"I think we'll just be on our way," she told the creature.

"But how ever shall you find your way at all if you don't let me tell you how to find what you seek? That is just too dangerous. You'd better stay right here and listen to me, my dear."

"I guess I'll have take my chances trying to figure it out. Snipe."

"I never said I was called that," the creature objected as Lulu turned to walk away. She decided she was going to quit asking creatures in this weird place anything, since she hadn't gotten one single real answer from any of them thus far.

They had gone only a short distance when Reggie, crown still in hand, fell to the ground in yet another fit. As he was twitching on the ground, a strange creature appeared from thin air. It was a horrible looking personage with the face of a horse on a haggard and twisted body that appeared to be covered with some kind of bright red bumps, like a rash. This rash covered all of its skin, but unlike any rash that Lulu had seen, these bumps oozed a slimy substance that appeared to contain glitter. It was slick with the viscous, sparkling goo and Lulu stepped back in horror as the thing pounced on the prostrate Reggie where he still lay trembling and helpless. The hideous thing emitted a gaseous sound from its behind as puffs of glitter dust puffed from it. Glitter slime oozed down, spap-splap-splapping on the twitching form of her brother. The creature swiveled the lump that was its purpley sparkling head toward Lulu and there were eyes and a gaping mouth and something that only a weird imagination could morph to be a tongue or an independent animal, or both. It crouched atop Reggie, slathering him.

"Get away," Lulu yelled. Its mouth opened wider and it vomited out more glitter-slime and then, just as it had appeared, it vanished.

"Get up, Reggie." Reggie had stopped convulsing, but was covered with the disgusting substance. Lulu didn't know what to do about it, though. All she could do was press on.

"Pick up the diadem. We have to go."

He picked it up with sparkly hands, one finger still black, smearing the substance on the crown as he did. Lulu noticed as they walked on that he left a trail of the stuff behind him for a distance, until it dried and he began to develop bumps himself. She hoped that his appearance wasn't going to make the mission a failure. One thing was for sure: she wasn't going to touch Reggie.

The sky was darkening rapidly and at certain moments she could swear she caught a glimpse of a snake in her peripheral vision. The watch still said "Not-Cupcake". Night was definitely falling on Sugarland and somehow seemed to emit smoke. She had to hurry.

As they descended a hill toward a glooming valley, Lulu saw that they were in what appeared to be a graveyard. She had seen no such thing from higher up and in better light, but there was no mistake. It was going to be quite dark in no time at all and she had no idea what they were going to do. She felt quite a lot worse when the spirits began to rise from the ground. People of all ages who just happened to be glowy and see-through gathered about. Many reached out to touch her which felt like a shiver deep inside her bones.

"The spirits won't hurt you," a voice said from behind. She spun around to see Supergirl standing behind her. It was obvious whom she was as she had a scarlet 'S' on the front of her shirt in neon sparkle.

"What the heck?"

"I'm just you sent back from the future to tell you how to survive."

"Who sent you?" Lulu asked.

"You did, or I did. My existence is dependent upon your survival, so I'm going to tell you the secret. Are you ready? And don't be thick right now. This is important."

"So, I'm going to survive or you wouldn't be here."

"Only if you listen, stupid."

"But if I didn't you wouldn't be so it's already a fact that I've..."

"Don't get caught up in the paradoxes now, I have a message and I don't have long."

There was a screech and Supergirl blurred and crackled electric.

"I can only do this briefly, so you have to listen. The spirits won't hurt you and you can survive the cobras, but only if you do as I say."

"What do we do?"

"You have to put on the diadem. It's the only way for you to see your way through this dark and protect yourself from being trapped with the spirits."

Lulu felt a hand on her arm and turned to see a ghostly figure clutching at her. It' appeared to be a girl about her age who looked almost exactly like her. Her hair was lighter, or curlier, and her eyes seemed to be blue instead of green. She felt ice start to spread up her arm.

"I can't put on the crown because if I do Kubla Khan won't be placated."

"That was part of the test. It would have doomed you if you tried it on before sunset, but once the spirits rose, it became necessary. If I was unable to pop back here, you wouldn't know to put it on now, and then we'd be toast. This is the time-based portion of the test. I don't really have time to explain it all, though, so just do as I say."

Supergirl crackled and went fuzzy again before clarifying again.

"Why should I believe you?"

"Because I'm you, so I obviously want you to survive as my own existence is frightfully dependent upon it and given what a numbskull you can be, I'm worried."

"I don't know that you're me. I only have your word."

"I know that it was you who found the bezoar and hid it. I also know that you are picturing Reggie being a monkey even as we speak. I know about the Komodo dragons, and the exploding girl memorial bridge. Think."

Lulu did. This was a pretty convincing argument.

"Really, this is no time to over-analyze the issue. You're really not smart enough to do anything but confuse yourself. Just put the crown on."

"But if you're me, are we bi-locating? What should I call you? Can I call you?"

"You call me Lucinda, and I'm you, but only partly." With that the image in front of Lulu blurred and fizzled from view, the last part visible for a second; the neon red "S."

Lulu hesitated. Then the spirits began their assault. Grabbing, pawing. So cold. She was freezing and terror was turning her to stone. Their eyes, their glowing forms. She grabbed the crown from Reggie and hoped this was the right thing to do as she placed it on her head. The band formed to her skull, and, as if from inside her head a light appeared, illuminating the entire area in front of her and whichever way she looked. The spirits took notice and desisted their entreaties, still staring but no longer grabbing. Even the girl who was almost identical to Lulu.

Ahead of her, the sea of spirits parted. A dog trotted forward.

"The dog's name is Zora," Supergirl said, beside her again. "She knows the way. There's one more thing: "Don't look behind the curtain." She disappeared. Zora was white with black spots, but bigger than Bob.

The dog barked and ran a few feet forward, looking back at Lulu before barking again.

"She wants us to follow," Lulu said to nobody in particular, since Reggie couldn't be considered an interlocutor.

"Indeed she does," said a spirit beside her who was a man dressed in leather with an old aviator's hat on. "That's my plane over there." He pointed at a plane with the name "Miss Veedol," painted on the side. "I'm Clyde, how about a plane ride, miss?"

"I don't think I have time just now," Lulu answered, but how was she to know if she was supposed to get on the plane?

Zora, the dog, barked again, returning to her to tug her pant leg. She was pretty clearly told to follow the dog, so, she decided that was probably what she should do.

"Perhaps next time, but thank you," Lulu answered.

"Very well, I've hauntings to attend to, and I'm sure you'll be back. Remember to check the tortillas from time to time." He turned and moved toward the plane and Lulu, Chupacabra repellent in hand, followed. The spirits, adults and children, young and old, watched her pass, but didn't reach out.

"This is the land of the spirits to which there's always an opening in Sugarland," Lulu heard Supergirl by her right ear, where currently there was no actual person to make the sound. "It's a good place to visit for advice, but you don't have time for tea right now. If you stop to visit, you'll never get out of here in time. Look at the tree."

Lulu looked around and saw, off to the left, a tree filled with what looked like flame, although the tree was not consumed. It was more like it was luminescing. She moved closer 'til she could see that it was a fruit tree. Fig. It was beautiful. Then she saw the snake in the branches. It was red and white, like one of the candy cane serpents from the witch's hair. It flickered its black tongue. Above the tree was a rainbow cast in the dark sky. Her eye was drawn back down to the tree, which was now made entirely of those striped snakes and they were all tongue flickering in the strange luminescence. She marveled at it for a moment before remembering that she was running short on time.

"Come on, Reggie."

Reggie ambled along, not saying a word.

This version of Reggie was better than the original, but Supergirl was right, the monkey idea still weighed heavily on her mind. She had also heard that talking to one's self was a bad practice. Oh, well. Horses were leaving port and ships escaping barns.

Zora barked and ran ahead, the spirits parting for her.

"The spirit dog knows the way and she can protect you." Supergirl was saying something else but her voice was fading to a whisper and Lulu couldn't make it out.

**C** **hapter 22: Self Help**

Lulu was somewhat relieved when the spirits began to thin out. It seemed to Lulu that they were losing interest.

Just as she thought what a nice night it was becoming, her night vision so clarified and lit by the jeweled crown, she heard a rattling sound and the last spirits who'd been hanging around dissipated like puffs of smoke. She scanned the area and it took only an instant to see what the concern was. Sugar skeletons. A mob of them was running toward Lulu and Reggie, looking exactly like Day of the Dead skeletons with brightly decorated skulls. It was a terrifying sight. They arrived in front of Lulu in seconds and came to a stop. There were at least a dozen of them. One who was dressed as a ballerina with a pink tutu stood directly in front of Lulu.

Zora stood beside Lulu growling, hackles standing like a ridge on her back.

"What do you two think you're doing here?" the ballerina asked, tossing her curly red mane with a mean girl flourish.

"We're on a quest and it's none of your business," Lulu replied.

"I figured you might say something like that." she turned to the mariachi skeleton behind her. "I'm thinking these two would make lovely sugar skeletons."

"Yes, I believe they would be rather fetching as immortal remains," the mariachi skeleton said.

"The other one is all slimy," the ballerina skeleton reached out her bone hand and touched Lulu's arm and she felt as if she had chilled gelatin for innards. She imagined her interior as a cherry gelatin mold with weird fruits and various gross gut parts suspended in the wiggly translucent glop. Lulu recoiled, but so did the skeleton girl.

"She's wearing an adamantine tiara!" The ballerina sounded quite upset.

"She can't be," said a lady in a red dress with a black veil cascading behind her. "Let me give her a shot." The skeleton lady reached out and the result was the same.

"Erg." The lady pulled back her hand.

"We'll let you pass if you answer our questions," the ballerina skeleton said to Lulu.

"Yeah. I don't think there's really anything you can do, so the answer is 'no'--to whatever question you might have. Now bounce, skeletons. We're on a quest for the Wicked Witch of West Texas, and she's our aunt."

The sugar skeletons stood for a moment, exchanging looks with their candy eyeballs.

"What's in your portmanteau and why is it glowing?"

"No."

"Tell me your name."

"No."

"She's right," the mariachi skeleton stated, "we really don't have anything else we can do to her, but the boy doesn't appear to be wearing a crown of any sort."

"I don't want to touch him. He's covered with glittery slime."

Zora barked her agreement.

"Fine," the ballerina stomped a bone foot. "We can't do anything to you, and he's too gross." With that she turned and the rest of the group did too and they all ambled away in the direction of a stand of cypress trees.

When they got to the wall, it towered above them and Lulu could see no gate or opening of any kind nearby. She sat down to think about how they were going to get into what she had concluded must be Kubla Khan's kingdom. As she thought, she realized she could hear the bleating of a herd of goats. There must have been a lot of them.

Zora was still at her side. She emitted a whine before she perked her ears toward the east and took off at a gallop.

Lulu called her name, but she was gone.

She was listening to the peaceful sounds of bleating goats and wondering what to do, when suddenly a horrible scream rose from behind the wall, and the bleats became panicked. After the scream a loud noise began that she could only describe as 'sucking' and the witch's warning about Chupacapbras aka "goat suckers" replayed in Lulu's brain.

She looked at the Chupacabra repellent in her hand and hoped it would work. "I'd better have another look through the Expedition Kit," she thought, opening the case up after ordering Reggie to set it on the ground.

That's when she noticed the doorknob and a thought occurred to her. She picked up the doorknob and held up to the wall. As soon as it touched the wall, it became part of a door that hadn't been there until the doorknob was applied.

"Pick up the case and follow me Reggie, and don't fall behind because I'm pretty sure there's a Chupacabra on the other side."

Glittering Reggie did as he was told.

Happily, the sucking noise had subsided.

The forest was so dense that even on such a bright day it was as dark as twilight among the trees. Birds called back and forth between one another and eyes glowed in the high-up branches. There was no telling what horrid creatures were staring down at them. Would they leap down and devour Lulu and Reggie as soon as they entered the wood? It was a scary place, but Lulu had to push on. They might as well get eaten as to be turned into sugar statues. She could turn back and look for the Snipe. But then, maybe the Snipe was yet ahead of them. The fact was, they didn't really have time to go back and look for anything.

She gripped the Chupacabra repellent in her hand and stepped into the wilderness.

Chapter 23: A Distressing Encounter of the Worst Kind

The scent of incense enfolded her and she noticed that part of the gloom in the forest was sweet-smelling smoke. Lulu had been in many forests before near her home in Walla Walla, but she'd never been in one that smelled so wonderful. Each tree emitted a smoke from all over its bark, which was the cause of the gloom in the forest. It was a good sign that they were indeed in the correct place.

A shriek shattered the gloom.

The creature was the most hideous thing Lulu had ever seen. Kind of. She'd seen some pretty bad stuff since being kidnapped. She glanced at Reggie, expecting him to register shock and terror, but he merely stared ahead. Of course, she remembered, he was oblivious.

The creature looked like it was half gorilla and half bear and half shark. It was huge and hairy with long arms that dragged the ground and powerful legs. Its claws were long and looked horribly sharp, and its fangs dripped pools of foul smelling green saliva. Overall, the stench that rose from the thing was of something rotting, which was probably why the clouds of flies surrounded it. Even the sweet smoke of the incense-bearing trees couldn't mask the foulness of the odor.

When it shrieked again, she knew instantly what it was. The Chupacabra. It bared nasty fangs and crouched in preparation to spring, but Lulu acted quickly and brandished the Chupacabra Repellent.

She sprayed it, noting that it smelled like air freshener, and the thing froze. It sniffed the air for a moment and then it let out another shriek and turned around and fled. Apparently, it was put off by the refreshing scent of citrus.

Lulu was relieved by its departure, but not greatly. She was afraid she'd never see the Magical Mountains of Washington again. At least Reggie, in his oblivious condition, wouldn't feel anything when the Chupacabras attacked. She almost started to imagine what the Chupacabras would do to them again, but managed to stop herself. It's much more fun to imagine horrible things happening when they aren't so likely to happen.

**C** **hapter 24: Kubla Khan**

They continued for some time before they emerged from the forest into a valley. It was a sea of green dotted with red poppies and the air swarmed with tiny orange butterflies. So thick were the jacinthe-colored fluttering bugs that they blocked out the full moon. She could see them because of the crown, without which the lack of even moonlight would have made everything inky dark. The butterflies were all flying the same direction, as if they were in a great rush to get to a particular destination. Standing there, she was pelted by tiny, soft bodies so much that it felt like a rain of cotton balls. She hadn't time to gawk, though, they had to press on.

"Come on, Reggie." He followed, seemingly uneffected by lack of vision.

They emerged from the butterfly cloud to find a road which edged the poppy field on one side and a forest of candy trees on the other. The road was paved in a red substance. It would make sense, this being his kingdom, for Kubla to create a road leading to his home, so Lulu decided to follow.

They came to the end of the forest and having passed the last of the dense foliage, Lulu saw, not far off, a mountain. Or rather a volcano. It was erupting a viscous substance which flowed into a pool of the same substance where it boiled and burbled.

"That's the nacho volcano. It's also why I elected to follow you." It was the deep voice of the coyote. "I told you there would be food."

"You're still here."

"Aren't you the clever one?" The nose and eyes appeared to her. "What you didn't figure out is that I'm actually a unicorn."

"I assumed you were lying."

"Well I couldn't admit to being a unicorn because it would only terrify you and make following you that much more difficult. I'm tired of trying to follow people who are running away shrieking."

"Why would they be scared?"

"Well, sometimes I do enjoy a kabab, but you two looked interesting, so I decided upon a disguise. Nobody ever suspects an invisible coyote."

"Do you also know where Kubla Khan is?"

"Maybe, but I don't really care. It's the Nachos I came for, and you had the key to get through the door, so quit bothering me. I still have the cheese dragon to deal with and if I don't want to get burned, I'd best figure out how to make friends. You don't have any blue cheese in there..."

Lulu stepped in front of the portmanteau. "No we don't. Now why don't you scram."

"You're perfectly useless. I wish you'd leave me alone," the invisible unicorn said.

"You followed us," she pointed out.

"I know you are, but what am I?"

"If you're really a unicorn, why don't you show yourself now? You've already admitted it and I haven't run away screaming."

"Fine." The unicorn appeared in front of her, it's horn gleaming and unsettlingly sharp. "Now, this would be a great time for you to run away shrieking. I'm bored with you."

"I'm bored with you."

"You're lucky I'm in the mood for cheese right now." The unicorn narrowed its eyes, which made it look sinister in spite of its rainbow coat.

"Let's go, Reggie." Reggie did as he was told and glancing back, Lulu saw the unicorn galloping toward the mountain.

**C** **hapter 25: Key to the Kingdom**

Looking around, she surmised that dawn must be breaking for it was getting lighter. She could tell because the light the crown showed was colorless, or rather, it showed much less color and now the colors were regaining daytime vibrance. The sky was beginning to seethe deep purple patterns. No more Not-Cupcakes had ticked away since last she checked, but time seemed not to be very reliable, or the watch wasn't. Either way made the watch irrelevant, Lulu thought. Best to hurry.

They had walked for some time when there came into sight a grassy meadow, in the center of which sat a creature Lulu almost immediately recognized as Kubla Khan.

It wasn't just his flashing eyes that gave him away, nor his floating hair, nor even the way said hair wove three concentric circles around him. It was, as the witch predicted, his look of total self-importance, not to mention the hundreds of what Lulu took to be smashed Honeydew pods littering the ground around him and the huge Milk of Paradise shake he was washing it all down with. The striped britches were also a clue.

"What are you hideous creatures?" The glowing-eyed fellow demanded in the haughtiest voice Lulu had ever heard. "If you're more interlopers sent by that witch, know that those before you ended up brunch for the Chupacabras."

Lulu was shaking in her red sequined shoes. Being eaten by Chupacabras was almost certainly what the witch intended for them when she sent them on this quest. Although there was no way of being certain. They didn't call her wicked for nothing, as the witch herself pointed out.

"You'd better have some explanation for why you came here, and do it fast," he demanded again.

"Uh, well, I'm Lulu," she began, "and this is Reggie and we're here to pay you our respect, oh great and powerful Kubla Khan." She hoped appealing to his narcissism would disarm him.

"Respect, eh?" the creature looked pleased, or at least she thought he did. His red eyes glowed a bit brighter. It was a little hard to tell what that meant for sure. "I am pretty kaleidoscopic," he admitted, smoothing the hair rings that floated around him.

"But who sent you? Did the witch have anything to do with you being here?" he asked suspiciously. "I can whistle for a Chupacabra right now if you don't explain yourself."

"Well..." Lulu began searching her brain for something to say, "it's really very simple." (Of course, it wasn't.)

"Go on..." Kubla Khan urged. "And do curtsy when you address me."

Lulu curtsied several times hoping to buy a few seconds in which an idea would occur to her.

"Enough curtsying. Explain yourself now," Kubla demanded. "And if you've disturbed the dragon, this will be your last explanation ever."

"We heard a story about your greatness and we just wanted to come and see you for ourselves," Lulu explained. It was a weak explanation though, she thought.

"That makes sense. But you're drably attired. I'd certainly find it easier to trust you if your sartorial sense ran more to the polychromatic. Even better were you wearing a varicolored regular linear pattern of complimentary hues or tertiary hues of like value. I think I'd recommend something in amaranthine and chartreuse, or perhaps aurulent and aubergine. That might make you believable." Kubla scowled at her. "Tell me what club you're in."

"We brought you a very special crown." Lulu lifted the crown from her head.

She held it up where the jewels caught the sun and the gold gleamed. Kubla's flashing, glowing eyes widened with what she hoped was greed.

"Give it to me now," he said, holding his hands out. "I must have it. Those jewels accessorize my polychromic splendor to glorious excess." His floating hair stood straight on end. Weird hair seemed to be de rigueur in this neck of the woods.

"That diadem will provide that _idiosyncratic_ je ne sais quoi my vestiary communiqué so requires." He smoothed his banded pantaloons and reached for the garish coronet. "Oh, my glorious façade will be the most radiant in the galaxies. All who come shall see my splendor.

Lulu was trepidatious about approaching him, but she did it, holding the crown as far in front of her as possible and hoping not to have to touch him. The instant she was in range, he grabbed it and placed it on his head.

His whole demeanor changed when it touched his bald scalp. He smiled and his hair settled down and hung like normal, if very long, hair. His eyes stopped flashing. He threw down the Honeydew pod he'd been about to devour.

"What am I doing here?" he asked. "I have a great white Snipe to hunt and it's nowhere around here. You kids run along now, I've a hunt to get on with for a very rare giant, white, tentacled Snipe. Unless, of course, you want to sign on to my crew." He scrutinized them.

"We really have to get back now, Kubla," Lulu explained, backing away. She had a feeling signing up for any project led by a lunatic like this one was better skipped. Lulu had no idea how they would get back, since they had about half a Cupcake left, which wasn't nearly long enough unless they found a Levitation Lily or something. She certainly wished she had picked more of the Levitaion Lily when she had the chance, so they could fly at will.

"Go if you wish, then. No matter. I have no idea where this Kubla business came from. Take this key to the kingdom, it's yours now." He took a gold skeleton key from his vest pocket. "For some reason your visit reminded me that I have a job to do. I have to get a crew for my hunt for the great albugineous Snipe. It is, after all, my mortal enemy, its leucochroic pallidity being an assault on my iridescent chromacity. His filemot polka dots don't help, either."

"That's perfectly understandable." Lulu felt wished to curtail this discussion as much as possible.

"When I find the creature, I will send word, as it seems that this is also the creature that you have sought." With that he got up, straightened his red and green striped suit, smoothed his lace collar and turned away, the crown on his head glinting as he went. "Tell the witch I'll be back for some more evil conspiracies within the week."

**C** **hapter 26: Hag-splosion and Time Warp**

A hiss began with a point of light in front of Lulu and the still-oblivious Reggie. It grew and grew until it became the Wicked Witch of West Texas. Her hair was changed again, this time to spider webs, replete with spiders spinning away. She wore a shiny turqoise-blue kimono with gold dragons embroidered on it over a short black dress. The dragons appeared to shoot bits of blue flame. Actual flame, not embroidery. As Lulu's eye took in the witch's latest getup, her vision snagged on the witch's right knee. Or rather, the face on her right knee. It was a mean-looking face with big blue eyes and it wore red lipstick.

"What's got your tongue? Speak, brat."

Lulu was entranced by the knee face.

"It's just a zombie knee. Don't they teach you anything? It has super powers."

"I, uh. Kubla. He gave me this key." Lulu handed the witch the gold key and the knee winked at her.

"Very good, my nasty niece," she declared. "You've succeeded in your quest. And just in time, too, it appears. You even managed to get him to go after your Snipe for you." She took Lulu's wrist in her cold hand and looked at the watch, smiling a tight, mean smile.

"He said to tell you he'll be back to participate in evil conspiracies next week."

"Perfect. He really is quite a lot of fun when he's not gorging himself on Honeydew and Milk of Paradise.:

"You have to put us back now." Lulu reminded her awful aunt.

"Do I?" the witch enquired.

"We got rid of your nemesis."

"Oh, that. He's not really a nemesis. Not really. He cancelled lunch last week, saying he had a headache and I found out these shenanigans he'd been up to. He'll be back as soon he finds the Snipe."

"I was under the impression that there's no such thing."

"Well, now that we've all imagined it, there certainly is."

"We're finished here. We kept our end of the agreement."

Lulu reached into the Expedition Kit and retrieved the contract.

"You did promise," Lulu said, "but luckily I didn't trust you." Lulu held the contract up for the witch to see.

"I suppose I do have to send you back."

"What happened to him?" the witch said, scrutinizing Reggie. "He looks oblivious and by his appearance, he would seem to have had a run-in with the Nightmare Hag." The witch grabbed his glittery hand with her gloved hand and looked at his finger and then looked back at Lulu, arching one eyebrow.

"How did this happen?" the witch asked. She was looking at Lulu with a curious expression.

"He wasn't going to go with me, and if he didn't I wasn't going to be able to carry out our task," Lulu explained. "Plus, he keeps having these fits." As Lulu said it, he fell to the ground convulsing.

"Hmm. One of my pets seems to have taken up residence in him. That's easily fixed." She waved her wand and his body stopped shaking. He went slack, as if asleep.

"What about the rest of it?"

Lulu related the events involving the horse-faced thing.

"I was going to transform that nasty bling-obsessed thing into a hagfish and deposit it at the bottom of the Pacific until the Nightmare idea occurred to me. It used to be an old crone that lived in a shack in the incense forest, attacking anyone who possessed something shiny. It was quite obsessed with getting a man, so my design was to release it in the immediate vicinity of that Marginal moron so that he might get the Nightmare glitter plague. I assumed that he'd failed his mission. When you informed me that you had the bling ring, things changed. Believe me when I tell you that if Reggie were not now obliviated, he'd be experiencing a waking nightmare too horrible to be believed, having been attacked by that creature. As it is, I don't think he's feeling much more than revulsion."

"That thing was awful."

"Truly. Maybe I should dispatch the old nag." The witch waved her wand and as the black bubbles appeared, so did the glitter-slimer, it's horrible equine face twisted with rage and she began to wail. The witch waved her wand again and the thing began to screech and writhe before it started to swell. It swelled and swelled and Lulu took several steps back. It got as big as an elephant. Then, the howling horse-faced thing finally burst. A shimmering gaseous cloud was all it left in its absence. That quickly dissipated.

"Now, you still haven't stated how he became obliviated."

"I couldn't finish without his help and I found the vial of black liquid."

"Am I correct that you obliviated him on purpose? Meaning you tricked him and then forced him to do your bidding?"

"Well, I had a good reason," Lulu explained. She didn't at all like the look of approval the wicked witch now wore.

"Don't we all," the witch replied. Lulu said nothing. "This is a very interesting and unexpected turn. You have completely exceeded my wildest expectations for you. Not that my expectations were very wild, since they basically didn't even extend to your survival. Why, I don't believe that even I had such a nasty nature at so young an age. Of course I didn't have any serenity water back then, either."

"I was hoping you'd put him back to normal again when you send us home."

"I can't un-obliviate him since this time he was obliviated here, rather than in the Black Mansion. Oblivion carried out in an alternate universe is quite un-undoable, at least not without undertaking extreme measures." The webs that made up her large hairdo wiggled and churned with black spider bodies. "The spiders wish me to state, for the record, that it's not impossible, just convoluted, and I can't be sure I'm very motivated to undertake it."

Lulu's stomach had that terrible feeling again. She could never go back to her parents now. Not if they knew she had done this to Reggie. She started to cry.

"Now, now," the witch said almost soothingly, which, coming from her had the opposite effect. "This changes things. You've shown potential here. You obviously have talents that make you suitable for things much better than taco slavery. I pretty much expected to be baking cookies out of you two, or using you as sleeves for my new Jackalope fur coat, but you clearly have more potential than any kid since Cybil."

Lulu dried her eyes, but just stared at the witch. She had no idea what to say.

"Of course, there's only one way that he'll be back like he was before and that's if everything is back like it was before."

"That's all I want."

"And, you did complete the quest."

"We never did find a Snipe like you said." Lulu pointed out.

"Oh, that was a red herring. If you had become fixated on it, you'd never have completed the task, which you were perfectly capable of doing on your own. The only real help you got was from yourself," the witch reasoned.

The witch stared at her in a way that made her feel like she had scorpions crawling all over her skin as she remembered the sugar girl in the meadow. She imagined spraying the imaginary scorpions with imaginary scorpion repellent and imagined that they fell to the ground and ran away.

"The fact that you made it through the night, well, that clinches it."

"I just want to go home, and have Reggie back to normal," Lulu said.

"You're sure you don't want to stick around for dessert?" the witch asked. "I hear it's going to be very special."

"No, thanks."

"Suit yourself."

"What about the glitter plague," Lulu asked. She didn't want to take Reggie home looking like he currently did, either.

"Oh, that will be gone, too."

"Let's hurry," said Lulu.

"Fine. The sooner I finish with you, the sooner I can get on to more pressing business."

"What business?" Lulu asked.

"I'm raising the vibrational frequency of the entire universe," the witch answered.

"That makes sense."

"Minions!" the witch called out. Chupacabras emerged from the forest by the dozen, each as horrible and frightening as the previous one. The witch raised her wand and waved it and when she did the Chupacabras changed into mere weirdos; strangely dressed, wild-haired art school types. The kind you'd expect to do performance art.

Many sported absurd facial hair and fanciful headgear in wild colors. One had a golden axe and a matching gold cape. What Lulu couldn't have known was that these were actual performance artists whom the witch had kidnapped, knowing they wouldn't be missed. Since they believed absurdities they could be persuaded to commit any atrocity the witch wished, so they were perfect minions. Really, they were quite bezoomny.

"I'll have to let the cat out of the bag, too," the witch said, placing her purse on the ground. It popped open and out came Schrödinger's cat, looking as indifferent as ever.

"The cat knows the way, so keep your eyes on him. Don't look away from him for a second. Time-travel is exceptionally dangerous and if he coughs up anything save it for me, because, although I'm letting you go this time, I'll be back."

"I never want to see you again." Lulu gave her meanest look.

"Sure," the witch said, sneering at Lulu. "We may as well get this show on the road," the witch said, raising her wand, "unless you want to come over to the dark side _now_."

"I'll never come over to the dark side," Lulu answered.

"I'm your aunt, Lulu."

"I know that, but I still won't come to the dark side with you."

"We'll see. You're not the first to make that proclamation, nor will you be the last. Even Cybil used to say the same, and look at her now. Anyway, just watch the cat."

Reggie locked his gaze on the cat and Lulu did the same.

"Remember my promise," the witch said, "I'll be back. And so will you."

Then the crowd of weirdoes started to do a song and dance number, which as far as Lulu could tell was probably titled "The Time Warp." In a few seconds there was a flash of light and they were forced back, over the event horizon and everything except the cat seemed to melt away.

Chapter 27: A Final Fit

"Now, Lulu, Reggie," Jake began, looking stern. "You know very well that as bad as the Wicked Witch of West Texas is, and she is bad, nobody can fly or go through paintings, or access alternate universes, or do time-travel. I want you both to admit you made up this kidnapping story as a not very subtle bid for attention brought about by anxiety pertaining to your growing realization that we, your parents..."

"But all of that really happened," Lulu objected.

"Yeah," Reggie said. "It really happened. At least some of it happened. The part about Kubla Khan didn't, and she made up the magic painting part, but some of the rest mostly really happened."

"As creative as it is, kids," Anne began, "and it is creative, you have to learn not to make up stories and then try to pass them off as fact. You do that enough and you'll end up a politician or a hack writer."

"But we really didn't make it up. If it weren't for the Time Warp, you'd know that," Lulu objected again. "It happened... errr... will happen. I'm not clear on how that part works."

"See," Jake pointed out. "Your crazy story is getting fouled up by time-travel paradoxes. That's what you get for making things up."

"I didn't make it up, though," Lulu objected yet again. Then she remembered the call.

"The witch called you when she had us trapped in the taco stand." Lulu had him now.

"That was just another of her crank calls. I've gotten several over the last few months. Besides it just happened not even an hour ago."

Anne turned to look at him with astonishment.

"Maybe you've been reading too many of those nonsensical books," Jake said, staring a warning at Lulu. She knew she'd better just go along or next he'd be trying to screen her reading for weirdness, and when that happened, things might get very dull.

What she wasn't going to point out, because it would definitely get her in hot water, was that despite Jake's proclamations that Lulu's story was all made up, he was perfectly willing to believe in a Magical Witch-Repelling Ruby Bling Ring, poison fog, a charmed bezoar, the Walla Walla curse, lucky socks, and who knew what other impossible things. When it came to believing impossible things, Jake had plenty of practice. Yet, somehow, he didn't seem to think that was a paradox.

"But it really did happen," Reggie insisted. "She took us away through a dimensional portal, and then we made tacos until the giant wasps carried us off to a black room with curtains and no doors or windows. Then we landed in Sugarland... somehow.

Jake folded his arms in front of him and gazed sternly at Reggie. "Yes? Don't stop there, Reggie. After all we want Santa Claus to hear all of the fibs you have to tell in time for Christmas. Because you know how Santa feels about children who tell fibs."

"Uhhh. Never mind."

"Santa can hear all of this nonsense, you know," Jake continued, even though Reggie had relented. "If you want Santa to bring you that BB gun you asked for, Reggie, or the chemistry set, Lulu, you might want to consider telling the truth."

"Well, since we found out about the Wicked Witch of West Texas we've been a little more imaginative than usual, maybe..." Lulu explained.

"That's better," Anne declared. "If you think for a minute, you'll realize that it was a dream. You just took a little nap and had a strange dream. That's all."

"That's right," agreed Lulu. She hoped Reggie would give up talking about their adventure because she knew their parents were never going to be convinced they had been kidnapped when they came back only five minutes after the moment when they were first taken. Nobody had even realized they were gone.

She pushed her hands deep into her pants pockets, where, to her surprise, she found a small vial. She didn't take it out, but merely explored it with her fingers until she realized what it was. She vowed to get rid of it as soon as possible because she didn't ever want to be tempted to obliviate anyone again. She'd learned her lesson, or so she told herself.

"Dinner is almost ready. You two go and wash up." Anne turned toward the kitchen.

Lulu's mind kept going back over her experiences in Sugarland, which, in retrospect, made this normal evening seem petrifyingly boring. She was glad when her parents said it was bedtime. At least she'd be alone to think and she'd surely have some amazing dreams.

It would be a few days before Bob would arrive back, looking no worse for his long journey and unable to tell his tale. Lulu's parents wondered aloud many times where he might have been those days he was gone, but Lulu didn't dare say, even though she was worried she'd never see him again.

Chapter 28: Epilogue

The witch turned to Mike and began to speak wistfully: "Now, even Xanadu time-travel is more exotic, leaving unprecedented lingering unstable wavelengths of nuclear transverse expansion. Schrödinger's Cat arrived partially evanescent, shimmering, holographic. Even in Sugarland-- wandering in ceaseless kaleidoscopic exploration, decidedly clouded, yellowly blurred, illusive, lost."

"That cat always has been a Negative Ned," said Mike.

End, the Second

The monkey leapt from the drapes to the lamp, which toppled as the creature used its weight to spring toward the chandelier. Anne screeched. Jake screeched. Lulu wondered if was a good idea to picture them both as monkeys too. Or mention the possibility to the Wicked Witch of West Texas. Then she wondered when she might again see the witch. That part troubled her. She had so many questions.

"I think we should probably call the Wicked Witch of West Texas to see if she knows what's up with Reggie."

"Who?" Jake asked without taking his eyes off the jumping, swinging target. Jake and Anne grabbed for the monkey at the same time and from opposite sides of the room smashing into each other and collapsing together on the floor even as the monkey landed on Jake's dazed head and stared at Lulu.

"The Wicked Witch of West Texas. She's clearly turned Reggie into a monkey."

"What are you talking about, Lulu? Is this another one of your imaginary friend situations?" Jake looked annoyed. Anne still looked confused.

"I'll do it if you won't try to talk to her." Lulu started for the phone.

"Just help us catch this monkey, Lulu. We'll deal with your bid for attention later."

Lulu went to the kitchen and got a cookie out of the cookie jar. The monkey shaped cookie jar, which was odd because they'd always had a bear cookie jar. In fact, Reggie had been the one to pick it out which had angered Lulu greatly because she wanted the monkey.

She returned to the living room just as the monkey threw Jake's eight track tapes on the floor, which elicited another squeal from Jake. The monkey froze upon seeing what Lulu held and then it began to do tricks. It flipped and rolled on the floor and screeched and didn't take it's eyes from the cookie. Lulu walked to her room and the monkey followed, feet after hands. The monkey was quick, but she knew Reggie and he'd not foresee a trick when there was a cookie on the line. She had to be fast, though, because she knew she'd have but one chance. She tossed the cookie and grabbed her wicker laundry basket. Jake and Anne both gasped as she slammed the laundry basket down over Reggie-monkey provoking the creature to a fit of screaming that was truly horrid.

Anne and Jake ran from the room and began to race about the house in a frenzy of phone calls and fighting about whom to call and about the monkey and also about Jake forgetting the milk.

The guy from the animal rescue facility had the animal in a large wire enclosure on the back of his truck and her parents were beginning to calm down when Lulu realized that she felt sorry for the stupid monkey. A little bit. It was clinging to the sides of the cage with its tiny hands, eyes wide with what looked like fear.

"Are you sure it's going to be okay?" she asked the khaki-clothed male person whose name tag proclaimed him Andy.

"He's going to love it. We have other monkeys for him to play with and they get great food and people come to see them every weekend. In fact, you and your family can come any time to see how he's doing." The man produced three bits of paper from his pocket that, upon inspection, turned out to be admission tickets to the Funny Farm Animal Center.

"Surely, Lulu, you recognize that we can't possibly keep this wild monkey." Anne put her arm around Lulu's shoulders and looked sympathetic like she did when she thought Lulu was going to cry, which she was not going to do. It _was_ a huge disappointment in one way. Reggie did, as far as she could tell, get turned into a monkey, but the rest of her idea had involved her having him as a pet. It was, however, true that he was a good deal worse behaved than she had anticipated, which did sort of seem to confirm the truism that one should be careful what one wishes for, as it just might come true. She wasn't yet to the point of wishing Reggie back, though.

"Now, what are we going to do about Reggie?" Lulu asked as the monkey truck pulled away.

"Okay, Lulu. Who is Reggie? If you mean the monkey, that's no longer a topic of discussion and we were clear that you were not to name him."

"Have you two lost your minds or have you just not noticed that Reggie is missing?"

Anne and Jake exchanged a look which Lulu knew to mean that they were thinking she was being a stupid kid and they had to be patient with her stupid kid nonsense. It made her mad. Then she it occurred to her that they were acting and that Reggie was in on it. He was in his closet, no doubt, snickering and waiting to spring out and "surprise" Lulu, which he wasn't going to do because she now had the whole thing figured out--including the ruse with the monkey. Pretty clever for Jake, but she wasn't falling for it. She ran in the house and straight to Reggie's room where she found... A desk with a computer on it. A couch. Reggie's bed and his stuff was all missing.

Lulu turned to see her parents looking puzzled.

"Where's Reggie's stuff?"

"Lulu. This is getting a little strange. You need to get your imaginary friend problem sorted out or we're going to start screening your television choices rather more carefully." Lulu was on thin ice. If this was a joke, it was probably about time to go along with the whole thing regardless of absurdity.

"I still think we should call the witch," Lulu said.

"You know there is no such thing as a witch, Lulu." Anne looked perturbed.

End, the Third

The monkey was rampaging about the house and her parents were squealing.

"You'd better call the Funny Farm Animal Center," Lulu said, as she entered the back door.

They both stopped and stared at her, suddenly oblivious to the monkey on the chandelier.

"Who are you?" Anne asked.

"Reggie, get out here," Jake bellowed as both Jake and Anne dove at the monkey, crashing head-first into one another and landing in a heap.

Reggie did not answer, and Lulu had no reason to believe he would.

Lulu turned and walked out before searching the fanny pack that she now possessed. Luckily she had the crystal ball. It seemed she also still had the vial of blackish liquid. This day was getting complicated.

Lulu took out the crystal ball and said "Calling the Wicked Witch of West Texas. Come in Wicked Witch. This is Lulu calling."

No sooner had she spoken than a luminescent cloud of sparkling red began coalesce in front of her. And inside of the crimson glimmer, the splendorous figure of the witch took shape. She was wearing the most fabulous red gown and her hair was done in bright golden snakes with sparkling green eyes. The effect was stunning.

"So, what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know. My parents don't know me and Reggie is a monkey."

"So, opportunity just knocked down the door." the witch raised her alabaster wand and waved it. A red door appeared from the incarnadine shimmer and the witch reached over and pushed it open. Beyond it was stars and darkness. "Come on in, Lulu. It seems like Walla Walla is no longer the place for you to be."

End, the Fourth

Lulu walked into the house.

"Hey. When's dinner," she called out.

"Come in the kitchen Lulu," Anne shouted from the next room.

Lulu stepped into the kitchen to see her mom and the witch, who was dressed all in various animal prints and red apron. The witch waved her wand and produced a sugar skull pyramid decorated with real diamonds and feathers. A holographic hummingbird hovered over it, chirping.

"What's going on?"

"Your aunt is making chile rellenos for the Halloween feast," said Anne.

The sound of a laughing audience shattered Lulu's dumbfounded silence. Neither Anne, nor the witch seemed to notice.

"Why don't you place the centerpiece, Lulu," the witch suggested, smiling a crooked smile and arching one eyebrow. "and then wash your hands. I'm about to put dinner on."

Jake came into the kitchen and picked up a glass which looked to contain horchata. "Help your mom and aunt, Lulu. I'm starving."

"But what about poison?"

"What _about_ poison?" Jake asked. "This is no time for another of your whimsical delusions. It's Halloween."

The laughter erupted again and still nobody seemed to notice, besides Lulu.

"Yes, Lulu, Cybil and Caleb will be here any second. They just sent me an etheric alert." The witch smiled at Lulu, arching an eyebrow.

"Hey." Caleb, said, entering the front door and heading straight for the kitchen. "Hi, mom. You look weird as usual." Laughter again.

Cybil appeared behind him. "When's dinner? I have to go visit my ailing friend Goosebury." There was more laughter.

"I'd better call Reggie."

Her entire family stopped what they were doing and turned toward her, puzzled. Except for the witch, who just continued to smile.

"Who is Reggie?" Caleb broke the silence.

"Just one of Lulu's inventions," Jake answered. "She's been making up the most creative tales lately. She recently came up with some wild story about her aunt the Wicked Witch of West Texas threatening to kidnap her. Can you imagine?"

"How interesting," the witch remarked. Laugher echoed in the background.

"Yes. We're going to send her to a headshrinker next week if she continues to babble nonsense." Jake took another sip of horchata.

"Now, don't trouble yourself about it, Jake," the witch said. "I'll have a little talk with her and she'll be right as rain."

"That's a great idea," Anne said. "Maybe after dinner the two of you can go for a stroll." Bob barked and wagged. He ran from the room to get his leash. Whenever walks or any other outing was mentioned, Bob immediately went looking for his leash.

"One thing. Do we have a pet monkey?"

"Lulu, really." Anne said putting down her pot holders. There was nothing cooking that Lulu could see, so the potholders, apparently, were just affect.

"I do have a party to go to," Caleb said, "so let's eat."

"Dinner is served." The witch waved her wand. "Somebody get that centerpiece before it comes to life and starts a havoc."

Lulu checked her pocket. Sure enough the vial was there. She had no idea how she was supposed to proceed, given that she now had no idea what had transpired--in her entire life. She thought it best to keep quiet until she could speak with the witch, who was they only one who might clarify matters. Assuming that she cared to. Her family all filed out of the kitchen toward the dining room, the witch lingering.

"Don't worry, Lulu. Things will settle down soon enough." Her wicked aunt smiled a non-mean smile. "My plan has worked out better than I ever could have anticipated."

"What's going on? You said things would be like they were before."

"I sent you back to Walla Walla, so in that sense they are. However, once one has opened certain doors, things begin to rearrange on their own. The fact that you actually time-traveled from an alternate universe within an alternate universe necessarily opens up multiple channels, so really the effect is unpredictable and multifaceted, but very educational, which was part of the point."

"You planned this?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes. I set the bezoar in your path as well as the bling ring, but nothing more would have come of it without you taking the plunge, so to speak. You hid the bezoar after Bob did his job and delivered it."

Bob dropped his leash and barked twice, wagging madly.

"Bob! Bad dog!" Bob looked unfazed.

"Then you slipped the bling ring on your finger, committing your first act of magic. There was no turning back once you wore the ring."

"What's going to happen now?"

"Plenty. As I said, you did better than expected. And you did the whole thing without the assistance of your useless brother, so I doubt you'll really miss him." The witch turned and walked out of the kitchen.

Lulu stood in the kitchen for a moment, looking at the cookie jar, and tried to remember what Reggie looked like. As she pictured him, he appeared in front of her as a mostly translucent form.

"Reggie? Is that you?"

"Of course it's me, stupid. Who else would it be."

"Well, then, get lost." Lulu said. As soon as she spoke the words his barely-there form vanished.

Horchata

(Parental Help Required)

1 cup long grain white rice

1 to 2 inch piece cinnamon bark

8 cups water

1/2 cup sugar

¼ to ½ teaspoon vanilla extract

Rinse your rice in a strainer. Then combine rice and water. Put these ingredients into a blender and blend until the rice begins to break up. Leaving rice in small pieces, place this mixture in a saucepan and add the rest of the ingredients. Let these ingredients sit for at least three hours and up to overnight (refrigerated). Then bring the contents of the saucepan to a boil, and, lowering the temperature, simmer the mixture for 30 minutes. Strain through cheesecloth or a fine sieve. Chill. Serve with ice. Warning: Don't throw this tasty beverage on witches, as it has a very adverse effect on their already unappealing dispositions.

 This is not applicable in cases where the device is being used for spirit/cross-dimensional communication, in which the party at the other end will necessarily be a weirdo by conventional definitions, but not occasion immediate disconnection. This case is, in a sense, ambiguous in terms of the appropriateness of Lulu's resp
 Wicked portmanteau: Texile- when one is exiled to Texas after committing too many evil acts in a more civilized locale. Usually serves said evil-doer well.

 Though it has not yet been revealed, this writer has discovered the secret to time-travel; that which overcomes every paradox known to fiction: slime.
 Obviously not a problem for the multi-dimensional set.

 It was only recently discovered that Komodo Dragons are venomous. Before it was assumed that their mouths were so dirty and bacteria laden their victims died of massive infection after being bitten. That's how gross they are.

 A bionic limb did not occur to her. Any claims otherwise are just not true.
 She was also picturing a bionic limb.

 Having what is known as a prosthetic limb is likely not as great as Lulu pictured, but Lulu was caught up in her imaginings and didn't think through the practical problems of such an outcome. She'd gotten most of her understanding of this situation from animated movies. This is definitely a part of the story that some will find distasteful, but, be that as it may, it is what Lulu was thinking and she doesn't always conform her thoughts within the strictest bounds of propriety. Let this serve as a warning regarding future reported or purported thoughts attributed to any fictional or real character herein. You were also warned in the prologue not to read this book, so suck it up.

 What would Jake do?

 They aren't very. But some spiders like the Australian Atrax Robustus, and the Brazilian Walking Spider are quite poisonous. Those spiders don't live in or around Walla Walla, with the possible exception of a hexing or cursing event.

 Formerly a made up deranged killer who targeted kids who were late for dinner.

 Precise memory of the exact wording here is in doubt since it's all so ridiculous.
 Lulu should have opted for a more Latinate word for crap, like feces, as Latinate words come from the French and are never dirty even when they describe the same things as words that are dirty. This is a good strategy for using dirty language in a way that nobody can criticize and it's educational. Always choose the educational route, or it will choose you.

 As the witch is older than Jake, it's unclear that he has any authority on the subject, which is something he's never let deter him from commentary.

 It should be noted, just for the record, that she still has plans for Jake when her busy schedule permits.

 Wicked portmanteau: vacatiocide- a vacation taken for the express purpose of committing homicide. Precludes being invited back, so must be used sparingly. This was likely what she had planned before being flustered by the bezoar loss.

 In 1575, a doctor named Ambroise Pare decided to test the efficacy of a bezoar. At the time bezoars were deemed to be able to neutralize any poison. Pare convinced his cook, who had been caught stealing silverware to ingest some poison in order to test the bezoar. The cook died a horrible death when the bezoar failed to work. The advantage of this for Pare was that he had settled the matter of whether or not the bezoar worked. The cook had also settled for himself the same question.

 A saying that means to remain skeptical. Taken from a poison antidote recipe written down by some guy named Pliny the Elder.

 The bezoar in question is actually fairly compacted and not particularly dirty. The witch was carrying it because the chain she wore it on broke. She did not touch it to her food, as she's immune to poison anyway. It was simply a horrid fashion accessory of un-imaginal magical significance. Jake was just trying to amplify the drama.

 The lucky sock effect is something that is now being studied for possible past-future application.

 These have since been eradicated.

 Her plan was to control all taco-making in our Milky Way Galaxy, along with the Andromeda Galaxy. The fact is, her plan was already well underway.

 Marginal is the lowest level of magical credential. Marginal magic practitioners are not qualified to even think about, much less give advice on, wickidity, unless that advice is something along the lines of "run away."

 The sighting was reported in the April, 1995 issue of Discover Magazine.
 A shrubbery trimmed in an ornamental shape, like an animal. Perhaps Sasquatch, or a Jackalope, for example. These shrubberies may or may not move about on their own depending upon where one lives.

 The Wicked Witch of West Texas is officially the most powerful evildoer in the known universe. This matter had once been a subject of debate until her competition was discovered to have become an entirely new species of slime mold. That settled the matter and contributed to the body of knowledge (along with some other slime emitting creatures of later creation) surrounding slime and it's many uses.

 The Cokin is the part of the brain that is responsible for dreams, imaginings and weirdness.

 A sign of future events. Jake's interpretation should be taken with a grain of imitation salt.

 PSA: Balloons are one of the most dangerous things for children to play with, specifically because the Heimlich Maneuver cannot dislodge them from the windpipe.

 This was later dubbed The Reggie Effect. It is now an accepted principle that being around an annoying person like Reggie can lead a person to embrace weird practices out of desperation.

 The witch is a connoisseur of art and design. Connoisseur is a word originally from French that means: a person who is an expert in matters of taste.

 The Marginal Wizard was clearly giving them the fairy tale treatment.

 It should be noted that visualization can be a very useful skill. Lulu was doing well to practice it regularly. It's particularly useful when crossed with multi-dimensionality.

 Fear of numbers, fear of the number thirteen, fear of the number four, and fear of the number six hundred sixty six. (Don't be fooled by the fact that the last one sounds like fear of hexes. Although he has a phobia of those too.)

 Fear of palindromes, or words that are spelled the same way forward and backward. Aibohphobia is, itself, a palindrome.

 When people are seen in the background in a movie and appear to be talking they just say Walla Walla to each other, thus these scenes are termed "Walla Walla scenes." The wicked witch origin of this custom is lost on the movie industry. Either that or the Wicked Witch of West Texas has shadowy connections within the movie industrial complex that are so far unknown.

 The family explained the curse to the kids as being a side-effect of Jake's lucky sock production, and as such a thing they had to keep hush-hush.

 She liked surprises, but only when they were actually surprises, meaning that she didn't already know they were coming.

 Bug studiers.

 He was still pretty puce.

 Lulu would later learn that this was a logical fallacy, based on mistaking cause and effect. (If you wish to obfuscate say something like this: Post hoc ergo propter hoc.) Scientists, however, have documented real positive effects of good luck objects in performance activities. In other words, if you believe that the shoes will make you faster they might. But they won't help you win a raffle. The possibility that the shoes had some real magical charm attached to them has not been adequately researched to make an assertion in that regard at this point in time.

 A problem common in the knowledge-deficient. There is no cure because the victim is unaware of his trouble and, therefore, refuses to attempt a cure.

 Of course, this is before Lulu and Reggie ran afoul of the creature actually known as the Nightmare Hag, and after, as well.

 The witch's prismatic-dimensional vision of space/time became permanent after the application of this hairdo, particularly after the snakes were released into the wilds.

 Lulu's belief that it was malice there has not been confirmed.

 The side-effect was inconvenient in one sense, but had the benefit of adding some awful statuary to the witch's collection, which can be recycled for baking sweets.

 A girl in England died in 1999 after doctors removed a bezoar the size of a football from her stomach, which was the result of her chewing on her hair. Obsessive hair-chewing is sometimes called Rapunzel syndrome, which is a handy reminder that if imprisoned in a tower by a witch, one should not chew her hair.

 There is actually a point system for obfuscutory practrices. Purely made-up words, obscure words, those in languages other than the primary language of the main audience, codes, nonsense, and many other categories exist. A perfect score would involve a purely clarion expression rendered entirely turbid for the intended reader. Addressing a Japanese-speaking audience in Navajo would be a consummate example, while adding metaphor would heighten the effect.
 Lulu was remembering the story of Laurie, so her taunts are rather inexplicable.

 Schrödinger's cat is only a thought experiment, conceived of by physicist Erwin Schrödinger with his friend, Albert Einstein. Nobody knows how this thought-cat ended up in the witch's home or how it coughed up a hairball. The fact is it's incomprehensible, and based in some very complex magic.

 Didn't, doesn't, won't.

 Esperanto is a language made up by L.L. Zamenhof in the 1880s, a universal second language to foster harmony and international understanding. There are between one and two million speakers of Esperanto in the world. The 1965 movie Incubus starring William Shatner was made entirely in Esperanto.

 Translation: "These are the children I told you about."

 Wicked portmanteau: eduvaricate- to educate by means of feeding the target lies and misinformation. Among wickidity practitioners it's considered the most effective method, particularly when the lies and misinformation are contradictory, as this creates a condition of profound ambiguity forcing the student to struggle for answers or go bonkers. It also creates a student who refuses to believe anything it is told without absolute proof, which imbues the student with absolute immunity to many forms of both nonsense and truth and eventually leads to being able to consciously holding conflicting beliefs without any ill effect.

 Irony is a situation that is exactly opposite of what one would expect. State pride might make some want to keep the state clean, but in the case of Texas, led to littering.

 Aka, Bigfoot, or Skunkape. Washington's Skamania County has a law requiring a $10,000 fine and five years in prison for anyone who kills a Bigfoot. Bigfoot is a frequent visitor to the Walla Walla area.

 Food.

 Horchata (pronounced or-CHA-tah) is a cinnamon rice milk of Mexican origin, which is quite delicious and not hard to make. There will be a recipe at the end of this book.

 Mythological winged creatures whose name means "that which snatches." Lulu didn't know that, but knew that they are supposed to be terribly noisy.

 Clouds' altitudes are classified numerically, the highest being 'nine.' This means a person is so happy she is above worldly concerns, including having been shrunk to the size of a common tooth fairy.

 President Teddy Roosevelt had a Rat Terrier in the White House during his time as president.

 Which is a pointless end to a story, and couldn't happen here.

 A fathom is a unit of measurement usually used for depth of water. It can also be a verb meaning 'to understand.'

 The custom of saying "bless you," to a sneezer supposedly relates to superstitions involving sneezing that may relate to many things including demons and black death.

 Proving time is relative.

 How she might have known this is anybody's guess.

 Lulu probably pictured a monkey.

 In fact, it's considered the least safe of all activities.

 Stephen Hawking could, presumably, explain the witch's statement because he's a famous physicist. Unfortunately, Stephen Hawking was unavailable for telling of this tale. For the purpose of the story one can simply take this as a bit of nonsense made for obfuscation.

 Multi-colored stripes were the partial subject of his rejected dissertation in Textual Façade Studies, which was tentatively titled: Invidious Citrine: Chromatic Jalousie and Verdant Permutations in Intertextual Deuteranopianism and Stripes. It was later found that a certain rather wicked individual may have penned the horrid thing with an eye to confusing the colorblind.

 Cashmere is made from special goat hair.

 Portmanteaus are also great for packing words together, like breakfast and lunch, to make 'brunch'.

 Lulu later discovered her most flattering color was puce plaid paired with paisley and polka dots. This conforms to the well-known fashion school: The Trompe L'oeil Terror or the closely related Op L'oeil Terror.

 You can't believe a tale told by a Jackalope. It will be full of bluster and rage, but mean absolutely nothing.

 The fact is, imaginary creatures of such miniature stature are not considered dangerous, except to the very suggestible, to whom they pose an ultimate danger.

 Probably a portmanteau of slimy and weird.

 Most likely a combination of frugal and envious.

 Never credulate a calumny communicated by a creepy critter. It will be all kerfuffle without an iota of import.

 Don't ponder points postulated by a piñata. They will be prevaricating and petty, purporting pedantry.

 Careful citing sagas supplied by Cybil. Some sound sibilant and seductive, but are still subversive.

 Beware believing facts bandied about by witches. They will be redolent of ridiculousness and absurdity, imparting only perplexity.

 Leave off legitimizing observations uttered by Lulu. They are laughable and lamentable, efficacious only for excess.

 The girl's name actually was Special, a fact that the witch took to mean that her parents intended that she should be on a menu somewhere, so now Special is awaiting her turn as an ingredient in a dessert special. Chocolate Mousse would seem Special's likely destination.

 Never accredit an anecdote announced by a coyote. It will be replete with hoo-ha and hullabaloo, explaining nada.

 Don't listen to a Snipe. Anything it tells you will be like a parable told by a platypus, chock full of platitudes and pandering, while pertaining to practically zilch.

 Glime/slitter- another witch invention/portmantau combining the wonderful qualities of both glitter and slime.

 Just another of those nasty paradoxes, which somehow made sense.

 The insects were inspired by the American Snout, a real species that exists in Texas. The witch thought they'd be a nice addition to Sugarland.

 Kubla wore uranium red and arsenic green stripes on his pants.

 Kubla is also anti-polkadotalian and anti-zigzagatarian.

 The Nightmare Hag is a fine illustration of one of the witch's portmanteaus from her primaries: whimsickening. It combines the horridity of a terrible affliction with a dose of whimsy.

 The appearance of the creature was inspired by a painting of a victim of sleep paralysis, known colloquially as "old hag syndrome."

 Wicktionary: hexplosion- hexing leading to the victim exploding.

 The first and foremost of which, was, of course, the existence of a wicked witch in the family tree.

 Even as she made this determination, she imagined the advantages of having her entire immediate family, and perhaps even the entire town, obliviated, which she is clearly not going to do.

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