 We gathered your celebrity
friends because I know,
to you, that's more important
than the un-famous people.
 Oh, sure, yes, yes.
[LAUGHTER]
 Well, we got them to read
some of your mean tweets.
Some people that have tweeted
mean things about Jimmy.
- Oh.
- We've got a bunch of--
 People tweeted
mean things about me?
 Yes.
[LAUGHTER]
 This is a double-whammy.
 It's a rough time.
It's a rough time out there.
All right, so we're
going to take you
down a notch in a very
special edition of Mean
Tweets, Jimmy Kimmel edition.
- Oh, boy.
[CHEERING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
 Jimmy Kimmel needs a
kick to his [BLEEP] hole.
Happy birthday.
 I thought I saw Jimmy
Kimmel at Home Depot.
Turns out it was just a
sloppy dude with big dimples.
 @JimmyKimmel, you are
a jackass [BLEEP] sucker.
Keep your mouth shut and
do your little TV show.
Or get the [BLEEP]
out of our country.
 @JimmyKimmel, you represent
everything I hate about myself,
you bloated douche bag.
 I don't know how I
got roped into this bit.
But here we go.
Here you go for your
birthday, Jimmy.
Some [BLEEP] named,
@euphoric_mania writes,
is Jimmy Kimmel cross-eyed
or just ridiculously ugly?
 Aw.
 That's stupid as
stupid, just stupid.
 Jimmy Kimmel, go
suck a gorilla [BLEEP],,
you dumb fatass.
[LAUGHTER]
You got some haters.
 Jimmy Kimmel is a comedy god.
Like a deformed, lame,
hideous god, such as ancient
Greece's Hep--
Hepa-- Hepha--
Hepatitis?
The god of hepatitis?
That sounds hideous.
Hephaestus.
But that ugly bozo
is still a god.
Jimmy, you don't have hepatitis.
[LAUGHTER]
I would know.
 @JimmyKimmel, are you kidding
me with that flabby body?
What the [BLEEP]?
Get to the gym, man.
Do you really shave your pits?
Scary!
 Jimmy Kimmel is that same
fat kid from "Win Ben Stein's
Money" who grew up to
become that fat kid
from "Win Ben Stein's Money."
 That's-- I don't--
I don't care for this
spelling, who wrote this.
 Hey, Jimmy Kimmel,
if you replace
his nose with a [BLEEP],, you
have a dead ringer for Dumbo.
You's a crazy, sick, [BLEEP].
 Jimmy Kimmel, you
still look like a potato.
Now, you're just a hairy potato.
So you're extra gross.
 I disagree.
I think Jimmy Kimmel looks like
a slightly bloated Carson Daly,
but not as funny.
Slightly bloated?
 This is going to
sound fantastic,
but I forget Jimmy
Kimmel's name,
so I googled, ugly late
night talk show host,
and I got him, top link.
[LAUGHTER]
 Jimmy Kimmel, open your eyes.
Your eyes look like vaginas.
#squinter.
 I like Jimmy Kimmel better
when he was somewhat fat.
Skinny Jimmy is no bueno.
 Dear Jimmy Kimmel, go wrap
your ball sack around your neck
and choke yourself to death.
Then put your head up your butt.
 There's nothing--
there's no nuance to that.
 @KanyeWest says, Jimmy Kimmel,
put yourself in my shoes.
Oh no, that means you would have
gotten too much good [BLEEP]
in your life.
 Oh!
 Fair point, Kanye.
 @JimmyKimmel, you're
a piece of [BLEEP]..
Your job is to pollute
the airwaves with
your worthless bull-[BLEEP].
[BLEEP] off you big, giant turd.
I think this guy follows me too.
[LAUGHTER]
 Jimmy Kimmel, $1 million
says your hair is fake,
your boobs are fake, and your
feet are small, and your nose
is made of Play-Doh.
 Jimmy Kimmel is not funny.
Neither is David Letterman.
I'd have to go along
with both of those.
 @JimmyKimmel, your show
blows brown donkey balls.
Go play with Howard
Stern's [BLEEP],,
you Hollywood jokeless fool.
Happy birthday, Jimmy.
[CHEERING]
 Thanks for watching.
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