 
# Feeling Groovy

### How Sensitive People Find Meaning, the Confidence to Express Themselves and Create Fulfilling Lives

## David E Ferrers

#### Coach House Publishing
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# How Feeling Groovy Will Help You

Feeling Groovy is an emotional sweet spot where one or more good feelings come together inside you to give you an emotional high. That high will boost your confidence. It has the power to enable you to overcome doubt and anxiety so that you can be the relaxed, authentic person you know deep inside yourself that you can be.

Feeling Groovy will heighten your enjoyment of life.

Feeling Groovy elevates you to be in love with life, in love with people, in love with what you're doing.

Feeling Groovy is a happy, relaxed, calm, energetic and confident state of being. Just imagine how good your life will be when you are always happy, relaxed, energetic and confident!

Feeling Groovy is a highly creative state in which ideas and solutions naturally present themselves.

Feeling Groovy is an exceptionally expressive state in which it becomes easy to communicate and convey our ideas and wishes.

Feeling Groovy is a powerful confidence state which overrides anxiety.

Feeling Groovy is a strong productivity state. Because Feeling Groovy makes you relaxed, energetic and positive you are in the right place from which to tackle the challenges that life presents to you.

Feeling Groovy is a natural antidote to stress. You cannot feel stressed and feel groovy at the same time. This means that once you master the art of Feeling Groovy you will have a natural way of dealing with stress whenever it tries to invade your life.

Feeling Groovy is a great state from which to lead teams.

Feeling Groovy will bring joy to your life.

When you're Feeling Groovy you own your life.

# Forward

I am inspired by Abraham Maslov's wisdom when he said:

"For a human being to be happy

they must become what they can become."

If you have an unidentified, unsatisfied desire, an itch that tells you that there is something in life for you, but you haven't been able to find it, this book will show you the way. Then, when you discover how to express yourself, you will find that your life will be much less stressful.

If you feel that your life could be so much more meaningful this book will help you identify what is meaningful for you.

If you feel yourself capable of much more but cannot find a vehicle to enable you to become what you feel you could become this book will help you.

If you're looking for something into which you can pour all of your energies so that you can feel fulfilled and satisfied this book has been written to help you.

If you feel confined or constricted this book will show you how to liberate yourself.

If you suffer from stress in one or more areas of your life this book will show you how, simply by finding your personal means of self-expression, you can alleviate most, if not all, of that stress.

If you suffer from anxiety or doubt this book contains many antidotes that will show you how to transform your anxiety into confidence.

This book contains proven life transforming techniques that can enable you to lead a life in which you feel free.

By the time you come to the end of this short book you will just naturally be Feeling Groovy.

### Contents

How Feeling Groovy Will Help You

Forward

1. Meet Your Coach

2. What's it Like to Feel Groovy?

3. How Do I Get to Feel Groovy?

4. What Do You Really Want?

5. What Are You Afraid Of?

6. Do You Know How Your Values Drive You?

7. What Can You See in Your Mind's Eye?

8. Is Your Belief Sufficiently Strong?

9. Do You Know How You Operate Yourself?

10. How Closely Do You Listen to Your Self Talk?

11. Are You Simpleminded?

12. How Much Freedom Do You Enjoy?

13. What Gives Your Life Meaning?

14. How To Make a Stressful Job Meaningful and Enjoyable

15. Do You Know How to Feel Calm?

16. Feeling Groovy Leadership

17. How To Manage a Difficult Boss

18. Your Body Broadcasts Your Mood

19. What's Your Story?

20. The Power of Proud

21. The Eightfold Path to Feeling Groovy

22. It's Groovy to Love

Also by David E Ferrers

Acknowledgments

# 1 Meet Your Coach

Hello, my name is David Ferrers. During the twenty five or more years that I have been a self-realisation coach (someone who assists people to become what they can become) I have helped thousands of people. They have come from many different walks of life. My task has been to enable them to discover their own sense of purpose and meaning so that they can release all the happiness, courage, confidence and power that has lain dormant within their beings. Now it's your turn to unlock your potential for enjoying your life to the full.

The purpose of this book is simple. It is to enable you to feel happy, liberated, courageous, confident and powerful, AND to feel good about yourself whilst you grow into the person you always wanted to be. That, my friend, is what it's like to feel groovy!

The secret to making this transformation is to discover your personal answers to some basic questions. The issue for most people is that they don't know what questions to ask. I didn't either when I started on my personal quest for my unique way to express who I am. The questions have emerged over many years as I have worked with clients to help them discover the powers that have lain dormant within them throughout their lives.

There is a better way to look for the answers. When you discover those answers they act like a transformer; it's as if someone has just switched on the lights in the darkened room of your mind; your whole being is suddenly flooded with confidence, power, courage and happiness. Once you breech the dam that is holding you back all these good feelings just burst out from within you.

Can you imagine how good your life will be when you overcome your fears with courage, when you face intimidating people and situations with confidence, when you find within yourself the power to overcome any challenge, when you feel liberated, when you pass your days in a haze of happiness? That will be truly groovy!

You were born to be happy, courageous, confident and powerful - so, what happened? Did you somehow manage to lose these important feelings somewhere along the road of life? No, it's not your fault. The feelings got submerged beneath a welter of instructions given to you during the early years of your life by people upon whom you depended and whom you trusted - your parents and teachers. They did not mean you any harm; they were doing what they thought was best for you. The way to understand what happened is like this: you are by nature curious, you like to explore, but when you explored as a small child you were often told, "don't do that," or simply "no!" You got the idea that certain actions were wrong and punishable. So you stopped exploring - you became risk averse and weary of authority figures.

Your nervousness was made worse by the education system. You are a child of the Post Industrial Period who was brought up using Industrial Period training. What happened was that during the century starting in about 1760 man invented machines which revolutionised our way of life. Millions of people left the land and went to work in factories. This created a massive demand for training people in new skills and disciplines. Schools were set up to teach mathematics, engineering and sciences. At the same time people had to be disciplined to turn up for work on time and to work the rigid hours demanded by shift patterns. The abilities to pass exams and behave in disciplined ways became the Gods of society. The beliefs became established that people should be trained to be a certain way and that being that way was "good". You are a victim of the beliefs that were grooved into you by "the system", your parents and your schools. They taught you to be the way you are now.

The problem is that the training that "the system" instilled in you is rigid. It is a one-size-fits-all straight jacket. It made you think that you should be a conformist, that you should think and behave in the ways that "the system" demands of you. It has not allowed you to develop as the unique, creative individual that you are. When you've been disciplined in the ways of "the system" it is common to feel constrained, unable to find a way to express yourself. You are doing your best to comply with a system and to live your life in a way that does not feel right for you. It's just not natural for you. You are not alone, just about everyone on the planet has been indoctrinated in this rigid way and now finds that the workplace which reinforces the rigid disciplines of "the system" makes them feel constricted.

So the question then is: "how do I release myself from the chains of other people's idea of how I should be and become the happy, confident, independent and powerful person that I would love to be?"

The answer is that you have to groove new patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving into your being.

"O.K. but, how do I do that?"

You have to start by digging within yourself to find the real you. The spade you use to mine the diamonds within you is the questions to which you have to find answers. This book will ask you the questions - you then have to do the digging. It will take a bit of time, but it will be worth it. I will be with you all the way helping you to find the answers, helping you to release the genie of your true self so that you can express who you are, so that you can feel great about yourself and your life. The experience will be transformative and liberating.

As you examine the patterns of your beliefs and your behaviour you may well come to the realisation that it is not what has happened to you that has shaped you, rather it is the meaning that you have given to the events in your life that has shaped you. It is the way you interpret what happens to you in life that makes you what you are. The good news about this is that you can always change the interpretation and meaning that you give to everything that happens from now on and thus you can make you life the way that you want it to be.

Why am I writing this book? Because I spent too much of my own life trying to please other people, worrying about what other people might think. This is a ridiculous thing to have done. Why be concerned about what other people think or by the threat of consequences that might happen? They probably won't happen. Why not simply be concerned about how to enjoy the experience of life. That way you may occasionally influence what other people think, but you don't need to worry. The key to happiness is simply to be your self, not to try to be someone that you're not, not to be concerned about what other people might think - to simply groove along doing your own thing. It took me a long time to discover this and I was in a lot of pain for much of the time that I was trying to be someone that I am not. Eventually I learned how to break free and express myself. So now I am writing this book to show you how you too can release yourself to feel groovy.

***

### What Clients Say About David

"David is a most astute and exceptionally motivating coach with great personal and professional integrity. For somebody with such depth of experience, he is remarkable in his continuing quest for learning about leading a balanced life."

_Lucian J. Hudson, Director of Communications, The Open University_

"Having David as a coach has made a significant impact to my personal and professional development. His thoughtful, sincere and inspiring attitude enabled me to change the way I think."

_Jane Sutton, Associate Director Strategy and Development, RBI_

"I've worked with David in the context of his NLP coaching and training and I am deeply impressed with the level of humility combined with deep competence that he brings to his work."

_Gene Early, PhD, Early Leadership Solutions_

"I was coached by David during a time that I was managing a very challenging project. David's approach and help made a big difference."

_Matt Bye, CTO, eporta_

"David's coaching was a life changing experience which produced profound effects in both my work and personal life. David understands people very well, particularly the workings of the human mind, and is able to explain your emotions and help you control them whilst giving you the confidence and direction to achieve your goals."

_Bob Stark, Commercial Director, Portafina_

"I've attended a few courses on developing 'soft skills' and, to be honest, I've gotten very little value from them. That was certainly not the case when working with David! My view on things and myself has been completely transformed. I am grateful for his insight and help."

_Chad Macey, Principal Architect, RBI_

"As a coach, David has the life experience, knowledge, empathy and understanding to listen, guide and mentor. You have the answers inside yourself. David will help you to find them."

_Andy Pandini, Actor_

"David is a fantastic coach. If you want someone to make you and your managers think, to really make a difference, look no further."

_Oliver Burns, Group Product and Traffic Director, Totaljobs Group_

"David's coaching has fundamentally changed the way I think, and therefor act. I appreciate David's sincere and open style. Although I'm an extremely private person, his relaxed self confidence put me at ease from the start. This was crucial – else I might not have benefitted from the coaching at all. He doesn't let me get away with anything, yet he's always positive and supportive which sets a great example for a young professional. Recently I attended one of his day-long workshops and I learned techniques which I could implement the very next day to stunning effect. From little tricks like breaking state to big things like setting well-formed outcomes, his coaching has really taken me from competent professional to confident executive.

_Tom Van Aardt, Head of Technology – Flightglobal,_

"I have thoroughly appreciated David's encouragement, thoughtfulness, generosity, wisdom, kindness and astuteness. David has helped me be clearer about my direction and grasp new opportunities. Working with him has left me feeling uplifted and re-energised. He has the ability to see things from a perspective that is thought provoking and refreshing. Thank you David!"

_Gale Vincent_

You can learn about David's personal journey of self-discovery in his memoire A Journey of Self-Discovery.

# 2 What's it Like to Feel Groovy?

Feeling Groovy is basically a relaxed, liberated, chilled out, devil-may-care feeling that all is well with the world. You feel cheerful, reckless even, but, at the same time, confident that anything you do will have a good outcome.

When you're Feeling Groovy you have a strong sense of direction. You have a deep inner knowing that what you are doing is important, not just for yourself, but also for other people. You know, at a deep level, how you do it. You have feelings of purpose and certainty.

When you're in the state of Feeling Groovy you have unstoppable energy that is seeking an outlet. You want to go out and greet the world, to spread your good feelings to others.

When you're Feeling Groovy you feel relaxed and confident, you're ready to deal with any situation that presents itself to you. You're just grooving along.

When you're Feeling Groovy you challenge the world to give you excitement and stimulation. You're up for challenges. You know you can win. Think Usain Bolt.

When you're Feeling Groovy you want to put on your best tweeds and go out and show the world how cool you are.

When you're Feeling Groovy you have a sense of certainty about belonging in the world.

Feeling Groovy is NOT loud, it is contented, present, in the moment.

I am not advocating selfishness - I'm simply saying that you should do things in your own way, express yourself, be yourself, that is feeling groovy.

Feeling Groovy is a great place to spend your time. But, it is not just one feeling, it's more like a supermarket dump-bin full of feelings like happy, calm, confident, love of self, love of others, altruism, enthusiasm and hanging loose - and you are experiencing them all at the same time. Yes, some of those feelings may appear to be in conflict with each other, but much of what you think and feel is contradictory anyway. You're just letting it happen for you, in your own way.

Is it possible to feel more than one feeling at the same time? Yes, you can feel desire and anxiety simultaneously. Recall a time when you saw something in a shop window that you really would have loved to own but at the same time your anxiety about spending that much money prevented you from entering the shop and buying the item. You were feeling desire and anxiety simultaneously. You can also feel fear and determination at the same time. Recall a time when you were making a presentation, you felt fearful about the possible audience reaction, but, at the same time you felt determined to forge ahead. So you can feel more than one feeling simultaneously. You sure can feel love and desire at the same time.

When you're Feeling Groovy you walk in a loose-limbed way. Just swinging along. You let it happen. That is key, don't rush, don't try to force it, just hang loose and let it all come to you.

When you're Feeling Groovy you feel like you belong, that you're a contributor. You're comfortable in your own skin. You are playing the game by your own rules, according to what you know to be right.

The world comes to people who Feel Groovy.

**The Miracle on the Road to Dance Class**

Claudia was a somewhat frumpy twelve year old only child with crinkly hair and glasses. She was always top of her class at school, but not very popular with the other students. Her mother was a librarian and her father worked as an accountant in a local government department. The family was staid, risk averse, vegetarian and conservative in every sense of the word. They lived in a two bedroom semi-detached house on a modern suburban housing estate. Their car was a small, four year old black Ford.

Every Thursday evening Claudia would accompany her mother to a clog dancing class in the local village hall. There were nine people in the group, all of whom were female. Their dancing was accompanied by an old man who played the accordion. They were taught by a fifty seven year old Dutch spinster with grey hair and a humourless face who ensured that they rigidly followed the traditional protestant Dutch style of dancing in wooden clogs which is known as "Boerendansen".

Claudia quite enjoyed dancing and she quite enjoyed the music, but she found the rigid movements of the dances confining. It felt to her as if her muscles were being kept in metal braces.

That evening as she sat beside her mother in the front seat of the small black Ford car driving to the village hall she was staring listlessly out of the window when she saw a group of lads playing on their skateboards. They were having fun, making their boards slalom and jump and do ninety degree turns. As she watched a boy attempted to jump over a park bench. He missed his jump and fell heavily on his side. He lay on the ground roaring with laughter. Soon the whole group were laughing and he was up on his board again, ready to have another go. The boards were soon clattering and rattling over the rough concrete surface of the playground. Everyone was showing off like mad. Claudia caught their mood and smiled at their joy in expressing themselves.

Soon the group was out of sight, but their spirit remained with Claudia. She started to dream of expressing herself as she stamped her clogs on the hall's wooden floor. She saw herself jumping, twisting and turning. She felt her body being released as she saw herself dancing with her whole body not just her feet. She noticed her hands moving on her lap in response to the rhythm of a tune she was hearing in her head. Then she felt her body wriggling on her seat as she felt the music inhabiting her body.

As she stepped out of the car she felt liberated. She was smiling brightly. She couldn't wait to don her clogs, to start dancing the joy she felt in her whole being.

When the music started Claudia started to dance. She wasn't doing the traditional steps that the rest of the class were carefully performing in a military fashion. Claudia was light on her feet, her body bent forward, her hips swayed with the music, her hands expressed what she was feeling. In her mind she pictured herself making movements that transported her to another world. She jumped, twisted, turned and pirouetted with joy. She didn't hear the teacher clapping her hands to put a stop to this revolt taking place in her class. Neither did the accordionist, who upped the tempo. He wanted to see what this young revolutionary could do as she clattered and whirled around the floor on light feet, swaying her body rhythmically, a bright smile of sheer enjoyment on her face.

Claudia's mother was initially shocked by her daughter making a spectacle of herself and showing up her family in this way. She wanted to step forward and stop the exhibition, but as she watched her daughter, she started to feel proud that her child was daring to express herself, that she had the courage to be herself.

When the music stopped Claudia and her mother were asked to leave the group so that they could concentrate on dancing properly.

On the way home there was silence in the car for a long time. Then her mother, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, pulled the car to a halt, turned to face her daughter and asked: "What came over you to behave like that? I have never known you to be so ill-disciplined."

Claudia felt a sudden chill of panic, she had broken the family code, but then she saw in her mind the picture of herself dancing freely, expressing herself, and she suddenly felt a surge of relief, she smiled: "It just seemed like the right thing for me to do. I just so badly wanted to break free from having to do everything in a way that someone said was the right way." She searched her mind for words to express what she was feeling. "Who decides what the right way is? I just reached a point where it felt as if something had snapped. It was like an elastic band that had been stretched too far. I just needed to dance my way, to be myself, to show everyone what I could do." She hardly dared to look across at her mother, to see the look of horror and scolding that she expected to see. But the silence lasted too long and she eventually had to look up.

To her amazement her mother was smiling and tears were trickling down her cheeks. She picked up her handbag and took out a handkerchief, wiped her cheeks and blew her nose. She looked away out of the front windscreen. "I am so proud of you. I wish I'd had your courage when I was younger. I wish I'd never allowed myself to get caught in the trap of conforming, of always trying to do what is right." She reached across, took her daughter's hand and squeezed it lovingly. "Don't stop now, be yourself, be your own person, express your feelings. I will support you. You can become the person I have never dared to be."

Dance released Claudia. She and her mother left the clog dancing group and joined a tap group with whom they practiced three nights a week. Over the months that followed Claudia's puppy fat was transformed into muscle. She started to take a keen interest in fashion and her personal appearance. And, because she was expressing herself through her dancing and improving constantly, her confidence grew. She started to express herself in every aspect of her life. Her circle of friends grew. She became a leader of a group of young people who wanted to be themselves.

When she left school Claudia refused to take up the place she had won at university. Instead she formed her own dance group. They won a television talent show. Now they tour the world, doing their own thing, expressing themselves, breaking new ground, Feeling Groovy.

**The Big Advantage**

The really big advantage of Feeling Groovy is that you are relaxed. And when you're relaxed you're in your most natural state so you're free to perform at your best. Your body muscles coordinate together for maximum efficiency and power. And your thoughts flow freely for maximum creativity. Can you now see how Feeling Groovy is your best possible state of being?

* * *

What did you learn from reading the story?

What caused Claudia to make changes?

What will cause you to make changes in your life?

What was the real benefit that Claudia got from the changes she made?

What benefits will you get from making changes in your life?

How will you make these changes?

# 3 How Do I Get to Feel Groovy?

"Can someone like me ever Feel Groovy?"

"Yes, of course."

"What do I have to do to get to Feel Groovy?"

"You just have to let go of all the negative stuff, let go of the idea that you must behave in the ways in which you were indoctrinated by "the system" and allow the good feelings to well up and take over."

"You make that sound easy."

"That's because basically it is easy."

"So, why can't I do it?"

"You can do it - it's just that you don't do it, you are in the grip of "the system's" training. Like singing, many people say they can't sing, but that's not the reality, most people can sing, they just don't do it in the right way."

What I am getting at here is that you may be looking for a better life experience in the wrong place, or you may have an expectation that it is just one thing that you need to discover, or one thing you need to fix. It may be more than one thing. Whatever it is that you're searching for the answer is inside of you. Throughout history many wise men and women have advocated that you must search within yourself for the answers that will lead you to live the life for which you were designed by nature. The Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius said, "dig within, forever dig and you will find." Above the entrance door to the temple of Apollo at Delphi in Greece is written the legend, "know thyself." The last words of the Buddha are purported to have been, "Be a lamp unto yourself." The Greek philosopher Plato advised, "the essence of knowledge is self-knowledge." All of these wise people confirm what I have learned during my 30 years of coaching others - the answers are always within you. The psychiatrists Newman and Berkowitz put it this way: "you can't expect someone else to give you the keys to the kingdom." You have to go on your own journey. The role of the coach is to ask you the questions that lead you to search beneath the rocks most likely to yield answers and to keep you moving when you feel stuck.

So, here's your first question: "What's your story? What is it that you tell yourself and other people about your life to date?" Bring to mind one specific event that you often talk about, an event that was formative in making you the way you are. This might be about something that happened to you at school or something about a relationship or event that took place at work. We want to see how the way that you interpreted this event impacted your life.

Stop reading for a moment and just take a listen to what you say about yourself.

STOP NOW AND TELL YOURSELF ONE OF THE STORIES THAT YOU OFTEN TELL ABOUT YOURSELF!

* * *

Did you notice the negative stuff that you say about yourself? Did you observe how you excuse yourself from responsibility for what happened? Did you notice how you justify the bits of your story that you don't like? Did you notice how often you have been a victim of circumstances or other people's demands?

There are lessons in those negative stories. Despite how bad those times were, you survived. You have found a way to compensate. You have always managed to recover and move on. You can conclude therefore that your spirit is strong. Your will to overcome is strong. Your ability to find solutions is good. Your courage has been tested and proved itself to be fit for purpose. Your determination has been challenged and shown itself to be strong. Above all your desire to live can be used to overcome life's obstacles. It would appear that you have all the qualities required to move ahead.

What you need to do therefore is find a more positive way to live your life so that you don't fall into all the negative (bad place) traps that life sets for you. In short, you need to develop the skill of Feeling Groovy.

**Break the shackles!**

You live your life in your mind and your mind poses three great challenges: the past, the future and random thoughts.

You are forever looking back and trying to remember. You concern yourself with what someone said and wonder why they said that. Or you're trying to remember something you have forgotten to do. Or you're feeling bad about something you did. Or you're remembering how great you felt at the concert you attended last night. Or you're wondering about the effect that past events are having on the way you are today. You never stop looking back - but why? You can't change history; all you can do is live life as it is today. What's past is past, leave it be. Let it rest in peace.

Your mind is like a search engine on speed, it jumps into the future wondering what your next art class will be like. Or you wonder what your blind date will be like tonight. Or you wonder if you will ever feel truly happy. Or you make yourself feel bad about what you speculate someone might say about you. Or you visualise that you will perform badly at some task. Or you start to panic that you haven't got enough ingredients to make the dinner you had planned for this evening.

Try sitting still and just letting your mind go blank. In no time random thoughts will start to inhabit your consciousness. Perhaps they will be stimulated by a sudden sound, "what's that?" and you try to imagine what might have caused the noise. Let it go, you don't know, you may never know - does it really matter? Perhaps some random thought will just rise up. Perhaps you will suddenly feel an itch in your hair. All of these events will distract you and may well cause you to speculate on what might be about to happen.

What your experience of the past, the present and the future tells you is that you experience everything that happens within your mind.

That is cool because if you experience everything that happens in your life in your mind, and you are the owner of your mind, you can control it, you can make it be the way you want it to be - you can control most of your thoughts and thereby control your way of being. You have the ability to create your own reality, all it takes is an understanding of what you really want and the self-discipline to develop the vision into your reality.

The major problem is that your mind has been conditioned to fear being wrong. You were taught that you would not succeed at school if you gave wrong answers to questions. You find the same system dominates the world of work, the people who get on well in their careers are the ones who get things right, not the ones who make mistakes.

To break the shackles of fear and inactivity you have to both relax and discipline yourself to focus on your vision of how you want your life to be. Feeling Groovy requires self-discipline - the conundrum is that it looks like a contradiction to ask someone to feel relaxed and disciplined at the same time. But it is not a contradiction. It is a natural state of being. You can do it. And when you do you can create the life you want.

You don't grow into being a creator, you were born creative, but it have been been educated out of you. So you've become a victim of the world's desire for "stereotype people". You have been frequently discouraged from being a creator of your own future, from expressing yourself, from being you, and you have chosen to comply with the system, to believe the people who want you to be a stereotype.

Your life does not have to be that way. You can be yourself and flourish in your career.

* * *

Matt Diprose was feeling good as he headed south over the Cheviot Hills. The meetings in Edinburgh had gone even better than expected. His currency trading group now had powerful allies in Britain's second financial centre. He could already imagine the shout of approval from his team when he would announce the details of the deal he had struck yesterday to the assembled company at the scrum meeting in his London office early on Monday morning.

The morning mist was lifting quickly and the sun now sparkled brightly on the rises on the long straight Roman road that arrowed over the bleak moorland. He pressed his right foot down and the surge of power from the 4.4 litre v12 engine forced his back deep into the leather seat. He allowed a self-satisfied smirk to lighten his normally austere face. He lowered the electric window so that he could hear the roar of the 365 GTB4 Ferrari engine and feel the rush of chill air from the mist that still hung in the low lying vales that were the low points of the roller-coaster road.

He watched the speedometer climb into the nineties and felt himself fly off the top of the next steep rise in the road. The car was so beautifully engineered that it landed squarely on all four wheels and surged forward like a powerful racehorse eager for the next jump.

Then, just as they were about to top the next steep rise, the front nearside wheel hit a deep pothole. The low profile tyre exploded. The car took off at a slight angle and landed slightly askew. As the three good tyres gripped the tarmac the car started to spin faster and faster until it flew off the road into a rocky moorland vale. There was a loud crash as the red machine collided with a large grey boulder. The airbag exploded into the cabin as the driver was propelled forward by the impact. The violent rush of blood up his body caused a concussion in his brain and he lost consciousness.

The shepherd driving his old, blue Toyota truck only spotted the speck of red out of the corner of his eye because it was such an unusual colour on the moorland. He stopped his truck and waded through the deep heather and corse grass that covered the boggy ground to investigate.

The car was tilted on one side but he could make out the body of the unconscious driver through the driver's window. He tried the door handle but it was either locked or it had become stuck fast as a result of the body work being badly twisted. He stood back and thought for a long moment trying to decide what was the best thing to do. The driver needed help and he was wedged in by the airbag. The shepherd knew that help was not near at hand. So he decided that he had best get the driver out of the car and take him somewhere where he could get medical attention.

He opened the blade of the sharp clasp knife he used for cutting foot rot poison out of the feet of sheep. He made an incision in the soft top of the car and carefully folded back a large flap. Then he stabbed the air bag. The air expelled with a loud "whoosh" and the driver's body fell sideways towards the passenger seat. He cut the seat belt and grasped the driver by his arms and dragged the unconscious body from the wreckage. He lay the driver gently on the ground for a minute or two while he recovered his breath. Then he hoisted the body over his shoulder in a fireman's lift and plodded his way back to his truck. He dumped the body heavily on the bare boards in the back of the truck, locked the tailgate and climbed up into the driver seat.

"Where is the best place to take him?" The shepherd wondered. At several nearby farms he knew that the wives were good at healing the wounds that farmers pick up regularly as a result of their work, but this lad was out for the count and he knew that head injuries needed more specialist attention. He didn't have the time to drive all the way to the big hospital in Newcastle because he had a flock of sheep needed moving this morning. Then he had a sudden inspiration, he'd take him to the monastery. He'd heard that they treated all sorts there. He turned the key and the engine answered immediately.

The monk who answered his summons at the visitor centre looked at the crumpled body lying prone in the back of the truck and shook his head. He knew nothing about concussion, the patient would have to go to Newcastle. "Well I can't take him," the shepherd answered adamantly.

The monk resisted the temptation to give a lecture on compassion and instead started to consider possible solutions. Then he had a thought. "Wait here a minute. I have an idea. I'll be back directly." With that he rushed indoors.

Fortunately the visitors on the weekend retreat were having their breakfast. He searched the faces until he found the young woman he was looking for. He made his way over and tapped her on the shoulder. When she rose he asked if he might have a private word with her.

In the anteroom he came directly to the point. "I know it's not what you're here for, but you are a nurse and we have an injured man in a truck outside and I don't know what to do with him."

She smiled, "that's my calling. I'd better take a look. Can you show me where he is please."

The shepherd lifted her small frame into the back of the truck. She knelt beside the prone body. She placed her fingers on his neck to check his pulse. Then she felt his chest to check his breathing and opened his mouth to make sure that the airways were clear. She lifted his eyelids. The pupils stared at her lifelessly. She turned to the monk. "Do you have a stretcher or a plank of wood, anything on which we can lift him without moving too many body parts. I need to get him somewhere where I can examine him properly."

"I can lift him the shepherd volunteered."

"No, please," she sounded a little panicky. "I don't want to move his body any more than necessary in case he has a spinal injury or internal bleeding."

"I carried him on me back across the moor," the shepherd grumbled. He was keen to get back to his work now.

The monastery had no beds as everyone slept on the floor, but they found a quiet room and made up a space on the floor where the patient could lie flat on his back.

As soon as he was settled the nurse called a doctor she knew who lived only ten miles away and asked him to come and make an assessment. While she waited she removed much of the patient's clothing and examined his body for any perforations. She cleaned out his mouth and placed a wooden spatula over his tongue which she taped to his cheeks so that his mouth was permanently open and his airways were clear.

The doctor felt his body all over checking for signs of broken bones. In the end he concluded, "I don't think anything is broken but without x-rays and scans one can't be certain." He folded his stethoscope. "What is for sure is that he has a severe concussion and needs to be in a proper hospital as soon as possible."

"Yes, that's what I thought. I phoned Newcastle General Hospital but all their ambulances are out at the moment. It's the big derby game today and the A&E department expects to be very busy all day. But they said they'd send an ambulance as soon as possible."

"Well done nurse. All you can do now is keep him warm, try to get some liquids into him and keep an eye on his pulse and breathing. I'll give the monastery a ring in the morning to see how things are progressing." With that he was gone and the nurse was on her own.

She fetched the sleeping bag she'd brought for her weekend retreat and lay down a few feet away from her patient so that she could keep a close eye on him. This was not at all how she had thought her weekend would be.

Matt regained consciousness at 12.47 hrs. Her eyes opened immediately she became aware that he was staring at her. She rose quickly to her knees so that she could look into his eyes without him having to move his head. She held up her index finger in front of his face and moved it from side to side to see whether his eyes would follow the movement. To her relief his eyes moved. She gently removed the spatula from his mouth.

"How do you feel?" she asked softly.

"Where am I?" he whispered. The sound seemed to come from far away.

"You're at Gadds Hall Monastery. You were in a car accident. We're waiting for an ambulance to take you to the big hospital in Newcastle."

He frowned in concentration. "Can't go to hospital. Have to get back to London."

"You will get back to London. But first you must have some checkups to make sure that your body and your brain are in good working order."

"No, you don't understand. I have to go now." He seemed to make an effort to rise.

She restrained him gently. "Is there someone I should call to tell them what has happened to you?"

"Call Amy. Tell her to sort this," he muttered.

"And what is Amy's number?"

"It's in my mobile."

"We don't have your mobile. Can you remember her number?"

"07999 o," his voice trailed away into a murmur. By sheer persistence and careful listening she managed to get the rest of the number out of him before he drifted back into his coma.

Amy turned out to be the patient's very efficient P.A. She listened carefully to everything the nurse told her and confirmed that the patient sounded like her boss Matt Diprose. She asked whether he had a small mole on his left shoulder, just behind his collar bone. Then, satisfied that he was indeed Matt she asked the nurse for her number and said she'd call back in twenty minutes.

Exactly twenty minutes later Amy rang back. A private ambulance was on its way with two paramedics. It should arrive in two to three hours time. The hospital had recalled their ambulance. The police and insurance company had been contacted and given a rough search area. A garage would locate and rescue the car as soon as the police had completed their onsite accident report. She herself would arrive in Newcastle in about four hours time to coordinate everything that needed to be done. She would be staying in room 419 at the Great Northern Hotel should the nurse need to get in touch.

The nurse was chuckling to herself as she knelt down again beside her patient. She recognised that it would have taken her several days to have organised everything that Amy had done in twenty minutes. "Different world," she giggled to herself.

"What's that?" the patient was awake again.

"Your Amy is one efficient lady," she grinned at him.

"You're black." He sounded amazed.

She laughed. "My daddy was black and my mummy was black and I was born in the middle of Africa, so I always had a very good chance of having a black skin."

"What are you doing here?" His voice sounded threatening, almost angry.

"I came to the monastery for a weekend retreat; to meditate. Then, when you were brought in, the monks asked me to help because I am the only trained nurse who happens to be here."

"Well listen nurse, you have to get me back to London quickly. There's a lot of money riding on me being in my office first thing on Monday morning.' Then in a tone that was more of an order than a question he added, "Do you understand?"

Thembi Nkomo was quiet for a moment whilst she digested what he had said and calmed herself from her desire to respond in like manner. Eventually she regained command over her emotions and was able to say: "Mister Diprose, you have a severe concussion. There is a good likelihood that you have suffered some damage to your brain and possibly other parts of your body. Your health is the most important consideration. If you should die your millions would make no difference to you." She glared into his eyes with all the passion of a Matabele warrior, "Do you understand that?"

When he did not reply she said in a calmer voice. "I suggest that you rest quietly until the ambulance arrives."

He turned his head away like a small child that does not want to hear anything that will prevent him from getting his own way.

It was not to be nurse Nkomo's lucky day because when the ambulance arrived, after sprinting up from Manchester, the driver had exceeded his allowed driving hours and the paramedic would not be able to drive because the driver was not qualified as a paramedic who could attend to the patient in the rear. In the circumstances Thembi had no choice but to volunteer to go in the ambulance to look after the patient.

They were halfway to Newcastle and she was checking the monitoring equipment beside the stretcher in the back of the ambulance when she became aware of him staring at her. She sat down and took his hand, "How are you feeling?" she asked gently.

"I've been thinking about what you said: about the money and my health." He frowned as he searched for the right words. "I realised that I haven't thought about anything except making money for the last ten years. That was what Francine, my wife, said when she left me. She said all I care about is money. I didn't get it when she told me. It was when you said that it would be meaningless if I was dead that I felt a sudden shock of realisation. I have been so totally caught up in the excitement of trading and winning that I have not been interested in anything else."

"I don't think that this is a good time for you to be worrying about all that." She said softly.

"It's not the money really, although I have to admit that it does give me a lot of power. It's really more about the excitement of the trades and winning, that's the real adrenalin rush." He grinned boyishly.

"You just rest quietly and get well soon. I am sure that Amy will come and see you in the hospital in Newcastle and she will be able to sort everything out."

Amy was in fact waiting when the ambulance arrived and took over the supervision of moving Matt to a private room which allowed Thembi to drift away without any fuss and go home.

Five weeks later, as she was about to leave her small house in the Byker area of the city to do her weekly shop there was a knock on the door. When she opened it she was amazed to see Matt standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Thembi. May I come in?" he asked politely.

"Yes, course," she held the door open for him.

He didn't speak again until they were seated in the tiny living room. "I won't beat about the bush. I have wanted to do something to thank you for looking after me when I had my accident."

"You don't have to thank me, it's my job to look after sick people." She said modestly.

"Nevertheless I'd like to take you out to dinner to show my appreciation."

She looked at him in amazement, "Have you come all the way up from London just to take me out to dinner?"

"Yes," it surprised him that she should be surprised by his action.

"The train fare alone would cost me two or three days wages!"

Now it was his turn to be amazed. He had no idea that nurses were so poorly paid. Nevertheless he recovered quickly and said: "Anyway, will you have dinner with me tonight?"

"Yes, I suppose so," she replied somewhat ingenuously because half her mind was on what she might wear. "Sorry that sounded ungrateful." She smiled. "Yes, I would like to have dinner with you, but only if I can choose the restaurant."

"It's a deal."

She thought he had quite a nice smile.

It seemed to her that he spent most of the meal plying her with questions about how she qualified as a nurse, how she came to work in England, what she liked about living in England, what interested her about the Buddhist monastery where they had met, how she meditated, what benefits she got from meditating.

They were just finishing their main course when he suddenly asked in that very direct way of his: "Why do you live in such a rundown area? And your house is so small and damp. Don't you want to live somewhere better?"

"I live there because I can afford the mortgage," she replied with as much dignity as she could muster. "One day when I may no longer have to send money home to Zimbabwe every month and when I eventually own the house, I may be able to upgrade to somewhere better, but that won't be for many years."

By the time they were eating their desserts she felt it was time she asked some questions of her own. "Why did you really come up here today?"

He looked a little taken aback. It was almost as if he hadn't really thought about it. "I, uh, I," he hesitated and looked down, a little embarrassed. "I want to understand what drives people like you."

She felt perplexed, "What do you mean, 'what drives someone like me'?"

"Well, I've always been totally caught up in the excitement of making trades, beating the odds and doing better than the other traders. I've been driven by the desire to be the top man on the trading floor and for my team to be the top team." He suddenly looked straight into her eyes. "Since the accident the spark has gone. I just don't get a kick out of it anymore. I haven't been the top man once since I left hospital." His eyes became moist. "The worst bit is that I just don't seem to care anymore."

"Why's that so bad?"

"Because I feel lost. I don't know what else there is." His look became appealing. "That's how I thought of asking someone normal, like you, about what drives you?"

She reached across the table and took his hand. "It's simple really Matt; I care about people. I care that they are well. I care that people have a chance to enjoy their lives." Now it was her turn to feel a little embarrassed. "That's why I became a nurse. That's why I send money home to my family in Zim every month. And that's why I meditate, so that I am in touch with what is real, so that I can enjoy every moment of my life."

"Do you manage to do that?"

"Do what?"

"Enjoy every minute of your life."

"Oh, well yes, and no. I manage to enjoy most of it. But there are some bad times. But most of the time I feel cheerful."

"You see that's my problem. I don't seem to enjoy anything that I do." He took his hand back. "I went to the West Indies for a week to help with my recovery, but I was bored and came home early." He sniffed. "I have tried all sorts of things. I spend more time in the gym. I go to parties. I have taken a few girls out. I go to football and rugby games. Nothing seems to give me any pleasure."

She would never know why she said it - it just came out: "have you ever done anything with your hands?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, have you ever made anything? Have you built a wall, or made a chair, or planted a flower bed, or knitted a jumper." She held her hands out wide looking for inspiration. "I mean have you ever made anything with your hands that is entirely your own creation?"

He sat back and thought, searching his memory for anything remotely like she had just described. Eventually he said, "Yes, when I was about thirteen or fourteen I made a wooden stool in carpentry class at school. I turned the legs on a lathe and I wove a pattern on the seat with raffia." "I gave it to my mother for Christmas;" he smiled "she was amazed."

"Perhaps you should make another stool." She said quietly.

"Why?"

"Because it might put you in touch with another side of your nature. You might find that you become engrossed in the activity. You might try to produce a stool that someone would like and that might give you a feeling of satisfaction."

"But it would have very little worth," he protested.

"It might have little monetary worth, but it could bring a lot of comfort to someone and it could help you to find another side to your nature that would make you feel useful."

He looked thoughtful. After that the conversation dried up as he became increasingly introspective.

When he dropped her off at her front door she never expected to see him again. But it had been an enjoyable evening.

Eighteen months later she was leaving the hospital on an early summer's evening when a car drew up beside her. Matt jumped out. He was smiling brightly. "I've got a surprise for you Thembi Nkomo. Will you allow me to offer you a lift?'

"What is this, some kind of practical joke?" she laughed.

"Oh no," he reassured her. "It will be a very nice surprise, I hope."

They made small talk in the back of the car as they were driven to an area of the town known as Spital Tongues. The car drew up in front of a two bedroom semi-detached house and the driver opened the door for Thembi. She was led up the short path to the front door which was set in a small brick porch. Matt opened the door for her and ushered her into the hallway from which stairs led to the upper floor. She felt bemused as he showed her around the house which had obviously been recently renovated. Everything in the house was new and of the highest quality.

"Why are you showing me this house?" she kept asking as they moved from room to room.

"All will be revealed when we have completed the grand tour," he replied mysteriously but with a look of obvious delight.

When at last they came to the dining room he made her sit down at the table. "Do you like the table?" he asked.

She looked at the highly polished walnut surface. It shone so brightly that she could see details of her face in it. "Yes, it's beautiful," she replied because it was indeed a very fine piece of furniture.

"I made it." He looked to be bursting with pride as he spoke.

"That's wonderful," she looked across at him with a feeling of true delight that he had managed to create something so beautiful. But what is it doing in this house?"

He reached for a sheaf of papers at the other end of the table and drew them towards him. "These are the title deeds for the house." He produced a biro from the inside pocket of his jacket. "I would like you to sign here." He pointed to a dotted line at the foot of the top page.

"What do you want me to sign these papers for?" she asked suspiciously.

"So that you can take ownership of the house." He replied.

"But I can't afford a house like this." She protested.

"Yes you can. I am selling it to you for one pound."

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"Because you saved my life and I want to repay you."

"I didn't save your life. That was the shepherd who found you out on the moor."

"No, it was you. It was you who brought me to my senses. It was you who told me to do something with my hands, something that other people would really appreciate and value." He pushed the pen towards her. "It was you who told me that when I did something like that I would feel a sense of fulfilment. And you were right. I now make bespoke furniture and I find it amazingly fulfilling. I just love it when customers are delighted with my creations. That is why I want to repay you." He smiled brightly. "Please take the house. I have had it specially renovated to the very highest standards just for you."

"I can't accept this. Why, I couldn't even afford to pay the electricity bill for a house like this."

"Yes you can. You can move in here and rent your house in Byker. The rental income will cover the cost of your mortgage over there and provide enough to pay the outgoings on this place."

It took more than an hour to persuade Thembi to sign the title deeds. It was only then that Matt was able to ring for Amy to come and join them. He introduced her to Thembi with a flourish of evident delight. "This is my partner Amy. She has project managed the renovation of your house. She is also the chief executive of my furniture company. She organises everything for me so that I can focus all of my attention on the cabinet work that I so enjoy. And, best of all, she has just agreed to be my wife."

That is the story of a man who is now Feeling Groovy! If he can find meaning in his life, so can you. Hopefully you will not need the shock of an auto accident to bring you to your senses, but something will happen that will be the catalyst for change in your life. Make sure that you are sufficiently awake to notice when it happens. Or you may just decide that now is the time to make radical changes. If that is the case, please get on with it when opportunity knocks!

* * *

What's the lesson in this story?

What did you learn from reading the story?

What caused Matt to make changes?

What will be the catalyst that will cause you to make changes in your life?

What was the real benefit that Matt got from the changes he made?

What benefits will you get from making changes in your life?

How will you make these changes?

# 4 What Do You Really Want?

There are occurrences in every life that have a message for us - they help us to work out what we should be, they tell us what has meaning for us.

In his book Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl, the Austrian psychotherapist who invented Logotherapy, says : "Don't aim at success - the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself."

What Dr. Frankl is saying is that we should focus our minds, emotions and actions on finding and "pursuing a cause greater than ourselves." In other words, don't be selfish, find something more important than just yourself, something that it worthy of your attention. Then make yourself an expert. It will add meaning for you if you can find something at which you will be useful to others.

My personal experience of life is that I find more meaning, a greater sense of purpose and a sense of fulfilment when I forget myself and my selfish needs, and focus, to the best of my ability, on the cause of helping others to be the best they can be so that they make the most of their lives. It is as if by helping others to overcome their suffering it alleviates, to some extent, my own suffering and releases me to be happy.

Life is not a search for success but rather the search for, and subsequently the pursuit of, a cause which can allow us to feel successful - it is not a search for happiness but rather the search for a reason to be happy.

When I ask my clients: "What do you really want in life?" I invariably get answers like:

"I'd like to be wealthy so I don't have to worry about money, then I could enjoy the good things in life."

"I just want to be happy."

"I want to not feel stressed."

"I want to feel fulfilled."

"I want job satisfaction."

No-one ever tells me, "I want to express myself."

Yet it is only by expressing yourself, by doing something that has meaning for you, that you will ever find lasting fulfilment and happiness. This is the best way to escape from the stress caused by doing something for which you were not designed by nature.

It is only by releasing your real self that you will earn sufficient money to not have to worry about your finances.

I can hear you now - the question you are asking yourself is, "how do I find out what I am designed to do?"

Here are a few questions to which you need to find answers:

  * What do I enjoy doing so much that I become completely engrossed in doing it and lose track of time?
  * Look back at times in your life when you have felt important. Recall times when you felt a strong urge to do or say something. Where were you? What was happening?
  * What have I always wanted to do but never had the time, money or opportunity to do?
  * What makes me feel envious when I learn about others doing it?
  * What sort of books do I enjoy reading? What sort of movies and TV shows do I enjoy watching? What do their subjects and/or themes tell me about my nature and interests?
  * What do I know about? What do I have the urge to study and learn more about?

Your answers to the questions above will reveal what is important to you, what has meaning in your life. Financial success, relationship success and the feeling of self worth will only come to you when you start to do something with your life that has meaning for you.

Someone may recommend to you that you carry out a battery of psychometric tests to give you a clue about what direction you should take. Such a route may help you, but you should recognise that what such tests will tell you is that you have a similar profile to people who do this, or this, or this. However, you are unique, you may be similar to no end of other people in some way, but you are not exactly the same as anyone else. You may have the same coloured hair, or the same freckles, or the same ability to do maths, or the same ability to cook, or the same ability to shoot a gun, but none of these attributes will tell you everything about yourself. You need to fit together the jig-saw puzzle of your own strengths and abilities so that you can decide what you were born to do.

There are four useful actions you can take to improve your understanding of what you are cut out to do.

1. You can observe yourself. Recall lots of different situations that you have been in. Notice how you felt when you were carrying out each activity. Did you feel good, bad or nothing at all? Make a note of the activities that make you feel good and investigate them further. What could you be doing to earn a living that would allow you to do what you enjoy?

2. Whilst observing yourself in different situations can you recall what you were thinking, what you were feeling, what you were saying? Did you have any strong opinions or good ideas? Can you recall ever having felt incensed, really wound up, by something someone said or did?

3. You could benefit from talking to a professional, experienced coach or to someone who knows you well. The advantage of doing this is that you will get another mind focussed on you. This is helpful because when you work alone you tend to keep asking yourself the same questions and coming up with the same answers. You become caught in a circle from which it is difficult to escape. But when you get another mind involved it may find ways to help you break out of your circle.

4. You can study what you like and dislike and the effects that doing things you like and dislike have on your performance by creating and studying a timeline of your life. Knowing what really gives your life meaning is of enormous importance in choosing your life's work.

This is how to create a "life timeline." Lay a sheet of A4 paper on its side, in the landscape position. Then draw a horizontal line across the centre of the paper. Starting at the left hand edge, mark the line at 5 year intervals starting with your birth date; continue up to today and then into the future for the next ten years. Below the horizontal line note the dates of events that had a negative or demotivating effect on your life. Above the line make a note of the dates of events that had a positive or exciting effect on your life.

When you have noted all the events that instantly spring to mind go back and expand on each description by noting: exactly what happened, who was there, what made it so notable, what long term effect the incident had on your life. You can add more events as they occur to you.

Next, focus your attention on each of the events that had a positive effect on your life and ask yourself: "What can I do to create more of this type of effect?" And, "In what type of employment could I experience more events like this?" On the future section of your life timeline make notes of what you could do that would allow you to enjoy more of the positive experiences.

The search is now on to find meaning in your life.

* * *

Thembi Nkomo, the nurse who helped Matt Diprose, was born in a rondeval hut made of sticks and mud. The hut had a conical thatched roof. It was in a small hamlet in Ndebele Land about fifty miles south of the town of Bulawayo, in Zimbabwe.

From her earliest years it was obvious that Thembi was an exceptionally bright child academically. She took to her lessons in the tiny school in the local village like a duck to water. So enthusiastic was she about her lessons that she was always the first to set out each morning on the nine mile hike along the dusty path that ran through the bush to her school.

By the time she was ten years old she had overtaken the ability of the schoolmaster to teach her. Fortunately he was a dedicated teacher who recognised her talent and arranged for her to sit the entrance exam to Bulawayo Girls High School. She passed the exam and the families in her hamlet were so proud that they sold two cows to raise the money to pay for her uniform and the bus fare to the city. There she would have to live with an auntie for the next six years of her life so that she could attend the school.

Thembi never forgot her debt to the people of her hamlet. She also never forgot how they suffered from diseases like malaria and bilharzia not to mention the infections that often resulted from minor wounds because they did not know how to treat them effectively. She desperately wanted to do something to help the people who had supported her in her early years. So as soon as she finished school she applied to the University of Zimbabwe Medical School and spent the next four years studying to obtain her Batchelor of Science in Nursing qualification so that she could become a Registered Nurse. During the time that she was studying at the University she worked in the local hospital during any spare hours that she had.

It was in the year that Thembi qualified as a Registered Nurse that the great drought struck the southern area of Zimbabwe. The families of her hamlet had to sell all of the cattle on which they depended for their livelihoods because they could no longer feed the beasts. Thembi knew that she had to earn enough to be able to send home money to buy food for the families that had supported her throughout her training. Luckily she saw an advertisement in The Bulawayo Chronicle for qualified nurses to apply for jobs in England. She applied and got a job at Newcastle General Hospital who paid her air fare to England.

Thembi became an exceptional nurse because she was involved intellectually and emotionally in the welfare of the people for whom she cared. The fact that she was herself almost penniless did not concern her overmuch because she was completely absorbed in her work. She recognised that one of her strengths was that she loved learning, so she kept on studying in order to become better qualified.

Whilst other nurses were taking vacations and going out at night to alleviate the stress caused by their work, Thembi was content to stay at home and study.

However, whilst Thembi loved her work and felt proud that she was able to send money home to support her people, there was an emotional hole in her being. She felt the need for some kind of community or tribal life outside of the hospital community. She knew that she was attractive to men but she was concerned about starting a relationship and feared the responsibilities that committing herself to someone else would bring. The big barrier for Thembi was that she needed to work to be able to meet her financial commitments. In her mind nothing must be allowed to disrupt the flow of money to her family.

It was one of her patients who first talked to her about meditation. She simply said, "You always seem so preoccupied with your thoughts nurse. What are you thinking about?"

"When I am here at work I think about what I am doing so that I give my patients the best possible care and do not make mistakes," she replied.

"And what do you think about when you're not here?" the patient persisted.

"Well, I think of all sorts of things. I think about what I shall cook for my dinner. I think about my family back in Zim. I think about the household chores I have to do. I don't know, there just always seems to be a lot going on up here." She smiled as she pointed to her head.

"Perhaps you should calm down a bit and focus on what's important," the patient suggested.

"Yes, perhaps I should, but I never seem to have time."

"That's everyone's excuse, but if you want to find solutions you have to focus your attention. That is the only way you can find out what's really important, what matters."

Thembi smiled, her interest had been captured by the way that the patient spoke. "How might I be able to do that?"

"Perhaps you should try meditation. Just a few minutes every day can help to calm the mind and give you time to focus on what's important."

And that was how Thembi's journey into the world of Zen meditation started.

Through her meditation she came to realise how much she wanted to love and be loved by another human being. She also realised that she could have a relationship provided that she was always able to earn the money she needed.

Thembi eventually married a dentist. He moved into her house and rented the house he had been buying. When Thembi became pregnant and had to stop work he gave her money from the rental income from his house for her to send to her family so that she could honour the commitment she had made to herself.

* * *

What's the lesson in this story?

What did you learn from reading the story?

What caused Thembi to make changes?

What will cause you to make changes in your life?

What was the real benefit that Thembi got from the changes she made?

What questions do you need to ask yourself in order to find a meaningful direction for your life?

What benefits will you get from making changes in your life?

How will you make these changes?

# 5 What Are You Afraid Of?

If you don't master the art of controlling your emotions fear can easily take over and dominate your life. The result can be that you don't do many of the things you'd love to do and you don't become the person you'd like to be.

So, what do we know about fear and anxiety and how can you conquer your fears and get to Feeling Groovy?

Fear noun: an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm.

Fear verb: to be afraid of (someone or something) as likely to be dangerous, painful, or harmful.

Fear is a feeling we create when we perceive danger or threat. We experience fear in some of our organisms; this causes changes to take place in the way that the organs function, which leads to changes in our behaviour. The results can be that we flee, hide or freeze.

Every human being experiences fear of some sort, to some degree, many times during their lives. Fear is a natural part of our survival system, it tells us what to do in the face of real danger. However fear can become a problem when we use the power of our imagination to create feelings of fear simply because of what we imagine might happen. We might imagine that the presentation we are about to give will be an absolute disaster leading to our being ridiculed and feeling ashamed. Or we might imagine asking someone to go on a date and being refused leading to a feeling of rejection. Or we might imagine being interviewed for a job we really want and freezing in the interview so that we miss the opportunity. There is no end to the ways that your imagination can make you feel so anxious that you cause yourself to fail.

As President Franklin Delano Roosevelt observed when he introduced to the people of the United States of America the New Deal programme designed to take them out of the Great Depression: "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." What he was emphasising to the American people is that fear is only a feeling, it does not, of itself, harm us. He was encouraging people to not allow fear to hinder their efforts to propel themselves out of The Depression. Perhaps he was taking the advice of his predecessor President Theodore Roosevelt who said: "I have been afraid, but I made myself as though I was not afraid and very soon the fear went away."

Everyone, and that includes you, should practice "making themselves as though they are not afraid," so that very soon the fear goes away.

If you're ever going to experience the joy of Feeling Groovy for any continuous amount of time you have to conquer your concerns about what might happen. The best way to do this is simply to switch your thinking. Instead of being concerned about the dreadful negative things that might happen it will serve you better to start to visualise the wonderful positive outcomes that could be about to happen in your life.

As long as you go on fearing threats and worrying about what might happen you will be liable to flee, hide or freeze. When the moment comes when you should take action to make yourself and your life the way you would love them to be you will find yourself cringing, cowering and looking for an escape route.

We are not interested in phobias here. You might have a fear of heights or confined spaces or spiders or any one of a thousand other phobias. Such phobias are not really too much of a concern because they are highly context or situation related. For instance, your fear of heights will only show itself when you are high up. This is unlikely to affect your chances of Feeling Groovy unless, of course, you want to become a mountaineer.

A fear of authority figures or a fear of looking stupid or a fear of rejection or a fear of redundancy or a fear of failure can all have a stultifying effect on your efforts to find meaning in your life and of Feeling Groovy.

You probably have one or more fears that constantly prevent you from making progress. You need to identify those fears and learn how to cope with them so that they no longer stop you from making progress.

The key question you should ask yourself right now is: "what am I doing or what am I about to do when I experience a strong feeling of dread?"

The feelings of DREAD or INFERIORITY or "I CAN'T DO THIS" are the giveaways. When you get such feelings you know that a fear is exerting its hold over you.

Once you recognise that you are feeling dread or inferiority you should immediately ask yourself: "what am I afraid of here? What is the consequence that I am envisaging that is freezing me, preventing me from moving forward?"

Write your answers down. In any situation there may be more than one fear that is inhibiting you. For instance, you may fear looking stupid in front of authority figures which you fear will, in turn, lead to your being rejected or being made redundant. Make sure that you write down each fear separately.

You may have to work with your fears over several days or even weeks. It does not matter how long it takes, this is not a race. The important point is to find the fears that are stopping you and to write them down so that you will always know what they are. It is only when your fears are out in the open that you can deal with them, one by one, as they appear to try to stop you from achieving what you want.

Start now by recalling times when you felt awful, when debilitating fears caused you to feel "dread" or "inferior" or "I can't do this". Write down the name of each fear that was causing you to feel that awful feeling.

Write your first fear here:......................................

And then keep writing down all the fears that interfere with you having a wonderful life.

* * *

Now, this is going to sound counter-intuitive but this is the best way to deal with any fear that is stopping you that I have been able to unearth in over 30 years of practical research. I have tried and tested dozens of methods of combatting fear and my clients testify that none of them works better than this method.

This is all you have to do:

1. Sit perfectly still.

2. Bring to mind the fear.

3. Feel the fear.

4. Be the fear.

The fourth step can be the most difficult because it doesn't sound possible. But work at it. Sit still, feel the fear and then climb right inside the fear whilst making an effort to experience it fully. You will find that it soon disappears as you work at worming your way inside of it. It is almost as if it has evaporated.

You should be aware that something really important is happening here. If you are feeling dread and you just allow it to fester away in your subconscious it will go on making you feel bad. But the moment you bring it out into the full glare of your consciousness and confront it, it will lose its hold on you.

There is a psychological explanation as to why this works. It is because you cannot remain consciously focussed on any single thought or feeling for any length of time. Provided that the object on which you are focussing is not physical, you will find that the harder you focus the sooner the subject on which you are concentrating dissipates. Bring to mind a time when you were trying your hardest to focus on a really wonderful feeling like, for example, love. If you try to experience the feeling of love, just the feeling without the object of your love, it soon disappears. The only way that you can keep the feeling continuously in your consciousness is to bring to mind images of the person whom you love. The feeling cannot exist on its own in your consciousness for any length of time.

This is a wonderful understanding because what it means is that your mind needs to be able to hold a picture in focus in order for you to be able to retain a feeling. Just think for a moment of what this means for your ability to live a life filled with joy and achievement. It means that if you create images of the positive situations you want in your life and generate strong feelings around those images you will have the positive energy to do whatever is necessary to make those images your reality.

Imagine how wonderful your life could be if you just keep creating and holding positive images of what you want to happen. There will be little room for fear. There will be a lot of positive energy flowing through your being.

* * *

Jem loved being at the gym. The minute she finished work every day she would dash to the toilets to change into her workout gear, jump on her bike and pedal furiously to her next training session.

She loved the feeling of wellbeing that came over her when she exercised her body and pushed herself to go further. She enjoyed the stamina exercises and the strength training. She enjoyed the atmosphere created by being around other people who were working to get their bodies into good physical shape. She felt happy, relaxed and alive when challenging herself to make her body as fit, strong and healthy as it could possibly be.

When she got home to her small flat she prepared a healthy meal and then sat down to study. She had already passed all of the level 2 certificates and diplomas in fitness instructing for health, fitness and exercise, and she was now studying to pass her level three diplomas.

With the qualifications she already possessed Jem could have started to work in her dream job of being a personal fitness trainer. However, she would not have been able to earn as much money as she was currently paid as an IT programmer. Although her work offered her little job satisfaction it did allow her to enjoy a good lifestyle and she worried about abandoning her secure income for the more problematic earnings of a personal trainer.

The crunch came when the company for whom Jem worked was taken over by another company who quickly announced that they were moving everyone to one big central office in another part of the country. Although the relocation allowance was generous, Jem did not want to move away from her family and friends. With a feeling of dread she searched her laptop for a copy of her CV and started to update the information. As she tried to make herself sound like a high achieving expert her efforts sounded false to her. The harder she tried to make her achievements sound outstanding the more she realised that what she was writing about was meaningless to her. She was not excited about the prospect of becoming a programmer for another company. She descended into feeling depressed, anxious and lethargic.

Now when she went to the gym even her favourite exercises on the rowing machine and lifting weights failed to give her the endorphin rush she usually experienced.

Then, as she was wandering around amongst the piles of weights, trying to decide which exercise to perform next, a voice interrupted her melancholic thoughts: "You don't look your usual cheerful self this evening."

She turned to see the elderly man whom she'd seen many times at the gym but to whom she'd never paid much attention. He was smiling a friendly, open smile.

"No, I've got a lot on my mind." She replied. She felt slightly annoyed that he was interrupting her work.

"It usually helps to talk. Two minds are often better than one for solving problems." He turned away to give her space in which to work. As he departed he called over his shoulder, "I'll be around for the next hour or so if you would like someone on whom to dump your angst".

"What are you, some kind of shrink or something?" She didn't mean it to sound so aggressive and felt bad the moment she had spoken.

He faced her and smiled his kindly smile. "No, just a fellow sufferer."

He was gone before she could say anything more, but the short exchange started her thinking about the possibility that it might be a good idea to talk to someone else about the situation that was causing her so much angst.

For the next hour she held endless conversations with herself. "Why does this busy body want to interfere in my affairs?" and "What business is it of his how I look." And, "how can a perfect stranger possibly know what is best for me?" And, "do I really want to share my inner thoughts and feelings with a stranger?" And, "he seems like a kindly old man. Perhaps he knows something that might help me."

An hour after their first chat Jem found herself sitting in the cafe sharing a juice with Gavin whose face showed a mixture of openness, kindness and interest.

"I don't quite know where to start," she blurted out.

"Why don't you just tell me your story," he encouraged her.

"What, my whole life?" She sounded aghast.

"No, just the part that has transformed you from the cheerful and energetic person I normally see in this gym into the preoccupied and lethargic person I saw in there today."

She looked down at her drink and fidgeted with her hands as she searched for a good place to begin. She felt exposed by his question. She felt that talking about her situation would make her look weak. But she had asked him to be her sounding board, so she had better get on with it.

"I'm about to be made redundant. " She was aware of the colour rushing into her cheeks as she blurted out the words.

He sat back in his chair and smiled broadly. "How wonderful!" He sounded genuinely pleased for her. "What a great opportunity to reassess your life before you decide what to do next."

She was completely taken aback. She'd only been feeling the rejection; she had not thought about her situation as an opportunity. "I had not looked at it like that," she muttered.

"No, no-one ever does. But, do you know that the average baby boomer will change their job eleven point seven times between the ages of eighteen and forty eight?" he looked to see whether the information has sunk in. "If you think about that statistic what it tells you is two things: firstly that being employed is always filled with uncertainty and secondly, that people are constantly in search of a better way to earn a living."

She nodded, "yes, I suppose that's true," she said without conviction.

He ploughed on keen to make his point, "But what does 'a better living' mean? Does it mean just a job that pays more money, or does it mean finding a way of earning a living that has meaning - that gives purpose to the individual's life? Ultimately to achieve a sense of satisfaction from what we do to earn our livelihood depends on knowing what we are good at and doing it to the best of our ability." He sat forward and looked her straight in the eye. "The first question for which you need to find answer is: 'are you going to use this opportunity to just find a job that pays you more money or, are you going to seize the chance to make a career change and find something that really turns you on and gets your juices flowing?'"

She felt defensive, "how do you know that I don't want to go on doing what I have been doing since I left college?"

He smiled gently, "because if you did want to go on doing the same thing that you do now you wouldn't be so troubled, you'd be out there searching frantically. But you're not doing that, you can see that you are free and have an opportunity, but you are worried about taking the first step in a new direction. That's understandable, it's a move into the unknown and we all fear the darkness of what we don't know. However, it is also exciting when you view it as a step towards a more meaningful life."

She sat still feeling a bit sullen. She didn't want to admit to having an opportunity. That felt like a commitment to some kind of action and the very thought made her feel anxious. She could not bring herself to look into his face.

He allowed the silence to continue for over two minutes before asking: "What do you love doing? In what activity do you become so engrossed that you don't even notice the passage of time?"

She looked up and gave him a shy smile. "Coming to this place. I love it here. I even love studying for all the fitness and health exams." She was aware of the return of vibrancy to her voice as she spoke.

"Do you think that there might be a message for you in that 'love'?" he asked mildly. As she considered this point he asked another question: "How do you instinctively react to other people? For instance when you see someone who is overweight, what do you find yourself saying to yourself? Or when you see someone puffing and blowing as they walk upstairs, what do you say to yourself?"

"Well, I nearly always say something like, 'you need to spend some time in the gym. You need to get yourself into shape."

"Have you ever asked yourself why you have these thoughts, why you make these judgements about other people? Can you see yourself being pointed in any particular direction by what you love and as a result of the way that you judge other people?"

"Oh yes, I often dream of becoming a personal fitness trainer. I have passed all of the level 2 exams. But it takes time to build up a large enough base of clients to make a reasonable living and I worry about how I would support myself in the meantime?"

"Well, for a start, I'd be happy to become a client, if you would take me on, and I can think of a number of my chums who would be happy to employ an attractive, knowledgeable and enthusiastic young personal fitness instructor. That would give you a start, then we'd have to work out where you go from there. But what I can tell you is, the most difficult part is always taking the first step. However, once you've taken your first step it only becomes a matter of building from there."

As they talked Jem found that her anxiety became less and less as she became more and more excited by seeing the possibilities of what she could become. She felt herself being overtaken by planning what she would need to do. She even dared to ask Gavin how many of his friends might realistically become clients so that she could work out the income potential from that number of clients.

And that was the start of how Jem founded her personal fitness trainer business. From then on her life became more meaningful. The first few months of her new life were challenging, but as she became more used to being her own boss and more determined to succeed, the business grew.

* * *

What's the lesson in this story?

What did you learn from reading the story?

What triggered Jem to make changes?

What will trigger you to make changes in your life?

What was the real benefit that Jem got from the changes she made?

What questions do you need to ask yourself in order to find a meaningful direction for your life?

What benefits will you get from making changes in your life?

How will you make these changes?

# 6 Do You Know How Your Values Drive You?

Values are principles and standards that guide our thinking and behaviour. Values affect our judgements about what is important in life. Values direct our decisions in every area of our lives.

To truly know your values and to live by them is to ensure that you live a life of integrity and meaning and thereby build a sound reputation.

You do this by checking in with your values before you speak or act to make sure that you are behaving in a way that is consistent with your true beliefs about who you are and what is important.

In my experience most people have never given much thought to their values. They take it for granted that they have certain values, but they don't consciously think about them.

Ask someone, "Are you honest?" and you are likely to get a vehement "Yes!" reply. Ask them, "Are you law abiding?' and they will likely say, "Yes." But ask them, "Do you read or study to improve your competence at work?" and you will get a more wooly replay, perhaps along the lines of, "I go on the training courses that the company provides." In other words they don't value learning sufficiently highly to give up their own "free" time to study. Ask someone, "Are you tolerant?" and they will likely say, "Yes." But ask them, "Do you believe therefore that we should accommodate unlimited numbers of migrants who have experienced great hardship in their war-torn home countries?" and they will become hesitant. There may be limits to their tolerance.

Your values guide your thinking and your opinions, they set the standards for your judgements. Your values define what is important to you and they guide the way that you live your life.

Your values provide the foundation for many of your beliefs.

The personality that you broadcast to the world is to some extent the public face of your values. You would like to be judged by your best values. You certainly want to be thought of as having good values.

The foundations of your reputation are formed by being aware of your values and consistently behaving in ways that reflect your most important values.

Society places a lot of store on values; it rewards those who display high values like courage, integrity, industry and honesty, and society punishes those who show disrespect for the values that underpin the social network by stealing, harming others and breaking laws.

It is odd therefore that people are generally not conscious of their personal values. They guide their lives according to a book of rules which are mainly their values that they only vaguely recognise at an unconscious level.

By the simple expedient of becoming more conscious of your personal values you can guide your life more consciously and build a strong reputation.

Knowing your values and what matters to you will also enable you to discover what has real meaning for you. This knowledge will ultimately enable you to find greater fulfilment in your life.

Below is a list of values. Use this as a start point to decide what are your ten most important values.

Once you have chosen your top ten values you can use them to guide your decisions and your behaviour by asking yourself constantly: "Is what I am considering saying or doing consistent with my values?"

From the list below write down 10 values that you consider to be very important. You may want to choose other values that are not on this list, that's fine. Just make sure that you only list your 10 most important values for the time being.

You may find it difficult to confine yourself to just your top ten values, I certainly did. So what you can do is write down all the values that you consider important and then choose your top ten. This will not mean that the values that are outside of your top ten are not important to you. They will always be important. But what we want to do here is isolate your ten most important values so that we can use them as part of the means of guiding you to what has most meaning in your life.

Please isolate your top ten from the list below.

Achievement,

adventure,

altruism,

balance,

beauty,

books,

calmness,

compassion,

courage,

creativity,

determination,

discipline,

happiness,

health,

energy,

excellence,

family,

feedback,

friendship,

gratitude,

growth,

honesty,

hope,

independence.

integrity,

industry,

justice,

knowledge,

learning,

loyalty,

love,

mindfulness,

my spirit,

optimism,

peace & inner calm,

perseverance,

positiveness,

reputation,

respect,

responsibility,

tolerance,

truth,

wisdom.

Now look at your written list of your top ten values and imagine yourself doing something that is driven by a desire to express that value. For instance my value "creativity" drives my desire to write this book. And my value "altruism" drives my desire to be the best coach I can be in order to give the best help to my clients.

It's your turn now, ask yourself: "Which of these values creates a warm or excited feeling inside of me when I look at the word and imagine myself living a life in which I pursue activities that grow out of my holding this value?"

* * *

Ken placed a high value on "excellence" yet he found himself constantly feeling bored and frustrated at work.

When Ken analysed the reasons for his feeling as he did he came to the conclusion that it was the way that he was being asked to perform that was preventing him from achieving the high standards he set for himself. The demands placed on him to churn out work quickly, cutting corners if necessary and to find cheaper solutions were in direct contradiction with his core value of excellence.

As he was riding home on the train one evening an advertisement in the paper caught his eye. The advert simply said: "If you believe quality matters come and join us." The next day he rang the number of the company. When he went for an interview he told the interviewer that he wanted a job where he would be driven by his desire to achieve "excellence" in everything he did. He got the job.

In his new role Ken had to work even harder than before. However, the feeling that he was producing high quality results made it easy for him to drive himself and gave him real job satisfaction.

* * *

Have you written down your top ten values?

For each of your values, have you imagined yourself doing something that is driven by a desire to express that value?

What has this exercise highlighted as having meaning for you?

# 7 What Can You See in Your Mind's Eye?

The ability to see pictures in your mind's eye has been described as, "daydreaming with a purpose."

Back in the 1970s Soviet Union athletes started to use mental rehearsal to visualise success. The idea quickly caught on and has been used by athletes world-wide ever since as a means of enhancing their results.

Exercise psychologist Guang Yue from Cleveland Clinic Foundation in Ohio discovered that ordinary people who did a virtual workout in their minds for three months were able to increase their muscle strength by 13.5%, this compared with a 30% muscle strength increase achieved by the people who actually did a physical work out.

Another study that looked at the brain patterns of weightlifters found that exactly the same patterns occurred when they lifted weights as when they only imagined lifting weights.

Today many top athletes have developed the art of engaging all their senses in their mental rehearsal. They use vivid, highly detailed internal images and run-throughs of the entire performance.

Imaging increases your alertness, improves your perception, makes planning easier, enhances your motor control and helps you to memorise data as well as retrieve it from your memory. It is possible therefore to use visualisation to train yourself for actual performance. This form of mental practice has been shown to increase confidence, enhance motivation, enable you to achieve the state of flow and improve your motor performance.

But, is visualisation only a technique that can help sports people or can mental imaging help ordinary people in their everyday lives?

Yes, for certain! Many people have used mental imagery to help them achieve their goals.

Arnold Schwarzenegger used the power of visualisation to reach his bodybuilding goals. "I had this fixed idea of growing a body like Reg Park's. The model was there in my mind; I only had to grow enough to fill it," he explained. "The more I focused in on this image and worked and grew, the more I saw it was real and possible for me to be like him."

Later, when he turned to acting and politics, Schwarzenegger used the same mental technique: "It's the same process I used in bodybuilding: What you do is create a vision of who you want to be — and then live that picture as if it were already true."

Oprah Winfrey credits her success to following her own advice to: "Create the highest, grandest vision possible for your life, because you become what you believe".

The Scottish-American industrialist Andrew Carnegie who led the expansion of the American steel industry in the late 19th century and became one of the richest people of his time said: "You are what you think. So just think big, believe big, act big, work big, give big, forgive big, laugh big and love big."

We know that mental imagery plays an essential part in memory, daydreaming and imagination. However, there are a small number of people who lack this ability and this lack may affect their ability to learn as well as their educational performance. People with "mind blindness" are reckoned to be only about 2% of the population and it does not necessarily inhibit their ability to achieve. Firefox co-creator Blake Ross lacks the ability to create mental images yet he has played a highly significant part in the development and success of one of the world's most powerful web browsers.

* * *

### How to Create Powerful Mental Images

This is a simple formula to help you to create images in your mind's eye that will enable you to turn what you imagine into your reality.

**1. Get Clear About What You Really Want.**

This is the most important part of the whole exercise. The foundation for this part of the exercise is your values and what you enjoy in life. It is suggested that you get out a pencil/biro and paper because you need to be sure that you get it right and it may require more than one draft. For instance to get the mental image for this book the process looked like this:

_My values : altruism (helping people to make the most of their lives), compassion, love, health, creativity, growth, learning, competition, friendship and trust._

_What I really enjoy : Constant improvement, helping people to do something better than they are currently doing it. Watching people grow into the person they can become. Conversation with a purpose, particularly if it is conducted in a light-hearted way._

_What I particularly dislike : deceit, not making an effort, the undermining of other people, unfairness, cheating, people not obeying the rules, command behaviour._

_What I want this book to do for people : I want people to be able to find meaning and purpose in their lives, to shed their worries and inhibitions, so they can relax, feel liberated, become the best they can be and thereby enjoy a happy and prosperous life. I want everyone to Feel Groovy._

### 2. Create the Detailed Mental Image of the Result You Want.

This is where you get out your camera and paint brushes and get down to work. Your image should be large, simple, colourful, lively and, if possible, include sound, smell, taste, feeling and movement. Your image should be in the present - it has already been accomplished.

This is how I developed my vision for this book:

_First draft : To explain to people how they can get to feel groovy so that they can live relaxed and achieve the life they always wanted. Nuh._

_Second draft : People looking relaxed, in a state of flow. They're smiling, happy and obviously enjoying life. Nuh._

_Third draft (it's a movie): The scene is a lawn in front of a marquee which is set beside a lake on which the water is glassy smooth. It's a sunny summer day. Men and women, boys and girls are playing, getting on well together, laughing, having fun and full of energy. They are wearing Feeling Groovy T-shirts. Those who are working are smiling and obviously in a state of flow. Everyone is talking about the ways that "the book" has helped them to feel groovy. They are purposeful, energetic people who look cheerful. There is lively music playing in the background. Everyone looks relaxed and comfortable in each other's company. Everyone looks prosperous, confident, secure and carefree. I am right there with these lovely people - feeling relaxed and groovy!_

_Simple Vision : I see happy, liberated people enjoying fulfilling lives. They have dog-eared copies of "the book" that has given meaning to their lives. They are all wearing Feeling Groovy T-shirts._

### 3. Practice - Needs to Become Your Habit!

When you wake up every morning and last thing at night, after you have turned out the lights, bring your mental image of your goal having been achieved to the front of your mind. Polish the image, look at the detail, notice how everyone, including yourself, is feeling. Notice what they are doing, what you are doing. Imagine it as if it is happening right this moment.

Throughout the day, when you have a spare moment, bring the image of your goal having been achieved to life in your mind's eye.

### 4. As You Look at Your Mental Image, Make Your PLAN

Each time you look at the mental image of your result ask yourself: "how did this come about?" "How did I make this happen?" Make notes of the actions that you need to take to make your image your reality.

Take action. Don't just imagine what you have to do. Get on with it. Start now. Take the first step.

### 5. Draw Your Time Line

Your timeline is your past, your present and your future. It tells you where you've been, where you are and where you're going. It tells you about the pains and pleasures that have made you the way you are. Most importantly it will tell you much about what is meaningful for you.

Your timeline provides the foundations on which to build a better understanding about who you really are. Your timeline is a wonderful support for your self-image. You can look back along your timeline and say to yourself, "I did all those good things, I achieved all those goals, I must be an exceptional person."

On a time line you can plot the story of your life or the story of the life of a project. This allows you to not just observe the highs and lows but also the meaningful and less meaningful events that have shaped the project. This helps because you can observe strengths and weaknesses, observe what is important and what is or no importance, and you can discover what is meaningful and what has little meaning.

To create a timeline all you have to do is draw a horizontal line across a sheet of paper and then number the line in one week, or one month or one year or even 5 year intervals from the beginning of your life, up to today and then on to however far you plan to go.

Above the line make a note of the dates of the highs, the important and meaningful events that you recall having a positive impact on you. Most especially you should note those occasions when you felt really proud of yourself. Not arrogant, just humble and proud that "I did it!" You felt proud because you had achieved something that was meaningful to you, what was it that you achieved that was so important that it created this remarkable feeling?

Below the line note the dates on which events occurred that had a negative impact on you. Pay especial attention to those occasions when you felt guilty or wrong.

With each important positive and negative event make a note of what happened, who was there, how you felt at the time and what you did.

When you look at each event can you tell whether similar events still impact you in the same way today. Do you still get the same feelings that you got then? Do you still react in similar ways?

Looking at your negative timeline, can you see how you are inhibiting yourself by continuing to react in the same way as your immature self reacted years ago when you were young?

Now look at your positive timeline; do you give yourself sufficient credit for all that you have achieved in your life? Do you allow these positive highlights in your history to influence you to the same or a greater extent than the negative events?

By studying your timeline you can pick out the events, both negative and positive that have formed you, that have influenced you to become the person that you are now. And you can also get valuable clues about what really matters to you, what is meaningful to you.

When you look at the whole picture you can see the lessons that the history of your life has to teach you and you can incorporate those lessons to add power into the future part of your timeline.

This has to be one of the simplest ways to analyse and reap the benefits from the history of your life. It also allows you to look forward, to see what needs to be done. It provides a framework around which to plan, to make the necessary arrangements and to identify needed resources.

Start your timeline today. You can add to it any time you wish. You can revisit it and learn what it has to teach you constantly. It is your constant check of how well you are doing.

### 6. Be Determined and Persevere

All achievements start with the first step, the people who arrive at their destination, make their dreams their reality, they persevere with determination.

Giving up is always easy. That's what quitters do. Do you see yourself as a quitter? Or, are you a gritty, determined fighter who keeps going when the going gets rough?

Those who are seriously groovy have a lot of spine. They can look relaxed in any company because they have confidence based on knowing that they have proved themselves to be tough enough in the fires of adversity.

It will help you to do this whole exercise once again, but this time work on your image of yourself. **Make a picture of yourself as the person who is making your dream come true. In particular see yourself managing any fears that may come up when you think about implementing your plan.**

_It helps me that I am actually coaching people to improve their lives everyday as I write this book. However, before I rise from my bed each morning I visualise myself writing the book and, as I write, I keep in mind the picture of my readers Feeling Groovy and enjoying their lives as a result of learning from reading the book._

* * *

What's the greatest lesson for you in this chapter?

What did you learn from reading the chapter?

What are you doing right now to create the mental image of your goal?

What benefit are you anticipating from creating the mental image of your goal?

What questions do you need to ask yourself in order to clarify the image you are creating?

Now that you have your mental image of your goal, how are you going to make it come to life?

How will you implement your plan?

How will you manage any fears that come up when you are implementing your plan?

# 8 Is Your Belief Sufficiently Strong?

Belief is the driving force that transforms your ideas and visions into reality. It is a powerful feeling that drives you forward with urgency.

When you don't have belief you doubt, you hesitate. This is the acid test - if you're not getting on with something important the reason is that you have doubts about your ability to do it.

You may be scared, but if you have belief you override your fear and get on with it.

Belief is a kind of inner knowing that "I can do this." You have an inner certainty.

_"Our belief at the beginning of a doubtful undertaking is the one thing (now get this, is the ONE thing) that ensures the successful outcome of your venture." William James_

Belief is an internal conviction, a feeling of certainty that something exists or is about to come into being. Belief causes things to happen in our lives. Belief is an emotion that is created by your thoughts. First you have to think that you can and then you have to generate the feeling of certainty that you will achieve it.

Whether you believe you can,

or you believe you can't,

you're right.

Success in your quest to feel groovy will depend to a large degree on your belief that what you are doing matters so much that it overrides your fears. You should realise that as belief is a feeling you have the power to make it as strong or as weak as you decide to make it.

Your beliefs can modify your behaviour. Belief can make nervous people behave courageously. Belief can convince doubters. Belief can energise the lethargic. Belief can overcome pain. Belief has been known to heal the sick.

Belief is the engine that has powered women and men to achieve what was thought to be impossible: to climb Mount Everest, to fly without wings, to walk on the moon, to build empires, to haul ourselves out of recessions, to propel a peanut farmer into the White House, to inspire a deaf and blind person to gain a BA degree.

If a man with a physical disability can preside over the world's most powerful nation (F.D. Roosevelt/USA), and if a woman brought up in poverty, who was abused as a young child, can build a media empire worth nearly three billion dollars (Oprah Winfrey), it would appear that the only limits on human achievement are created by the lack of belief.

When Louis V. Gerstner Jr. became CEO of IBM in April 1993 the company had just made the largest loss in American corporate history. However Gerstner saw that IBM was in a unique position to provide integrated solutions for corporate customers who at the time were struggling to take advantage of all the separate computing technologies that were emerging. By the time he retired nine years later IBM's market capitalisation had increased sixfold. When you take on a challenge like turning round a sleeping giant that is leaking money you have to believe that you can succeed.

Laura Ashley began by designing headscarves with flowery Victorian patterns on her kitchen table. Her husband printed the cloth on a machine he had designed himself. When she started she little knew that she was laying the foundations of a business that, when floated to the public 30 years later, would be 34 times oversubscribed. Her simple belief was that women would like pretty scarves.

When I started out as a performance coach over a quarter of a century ago I didn't really know what I was doing but I knew that there were millions of people all over the world who were just like me, people who needed someone to help them realise their potential. I had an inkling that I was that someone who could help. I felt excited by the belief that I could help them.

In the beginning I didn't even have any idea of how I was going to help people - the only thing I had going for me was the belief that I could do it. The idea of helping another person out of the rut of leading a mediocre life and taking them to a place where their life had meaning and vibrancy got my juices flowing. It was this belief that drove me to work like hell, to study, to learn and to be the best I could possibly be. It still drives me to this day.

At the time that I decided to become a performance coach it wasn't as if my life could have been held up as an outstanding example of continuous success. Like most people I had risen to serious highs a few times, I had won large accounts and awards, but there had also been some notable failures. There had even been some instances where I could be considered to have buckled under the strain. I had been made redundant and, on one occasion I had suffered from such severe stress that a doctor had put me on medication.

As you get older you come to realise that no life is a story of continuous success. We all have ups and downs. You see that there are important lessons to be learned from your failures and setbacks. You recognise that all of the pain and frustration you have felt over the years has been telling you "don't do this, it hurts!" You learn that the way you cope with adversity forges your character and has the ability to make you stronger. Perhaps it was the fact that there had never been anyone nearby to help me when I was at the low points in my life that, maybe subconsciously, prompted me to want to be "the person that helps" others.

The way I see it three things were important about my story at the time that I changed direction: first, I had experienced a great deal of pain and frustration during my life at school, in relationships, at work and in other endeavours. I had an inkling that the reason why I had experienced much of the pain and frustration was because I had never found the right vehicle to propel me to the heights of which I felt myself capable. The desire to scale those heights was undiminished. Second, I was still alive, I had not been defeated. I was still in the game. Third, I had never lost my belief in myself. There was some kind of inner spark, call it my spirit, that urged me to keep going, to keep searching for a way to express myself, to keep moving on until I found myself doing something that other people appreciated so much that they felt compelled to use my services.

Looking back I can say that the one really noticeable difference in my behaviour that occurred when I decided to become a coach was that **_I started to research and learn_** about personal development. Over the years I have bought and read hundreds, probably thousands, of books and papers about psychology, spirituality, psychoanalysis, motivation, biography, coaching, teaching, mind dynamics, mental control, neurolinguistics, management, leadership, psychometrics, personality, cybernetics and sports psychology, and that is just a small cross section of my research. I have also attended training courses and lectures. I have hired coaches and mentors to coach and guide me. Since becoming a coach I have continuously been deeply immersed in exploring methods of achieving human potential. All of this effort has been driven by my belief that I can help people, but also by the belief that I need to improve myself in order to be the best I can be for both myself and my clients.

In my previous career I never carried out this level of research about my work. There had never been the same imperative drive to make myself better. The curiosity had never been there. The belief that being deeply knowledgeable was important had never previously existed to anything like this extent. The drive to make myself into the best I could possibly be had never been driving me.

This kind of drive springs from the belief that what you are doing is important. It wells up from the belief that you know, from personal experience, that what you are doing is badly needed by other people. You have the feeling that you are involved with a cause greater than yourself.

It is noticeable that once I started doing what I had an inner belief was the right work for me, success followed. It did not happen immediately. My first year as a personal development coach was barren of fee paying clients. I just worked with anyone who said they wanted help, most of whom could not afford to pay me. However, this was an important part of my learning curve. It developed my understanding of how to help people to bring out the best in themselves.

Then good fortune found me. One of my pro bono clients happened to be a website designer and, by way of a fee, he built me a website. Within a few months a division of General Motors found that website and they invited me to submit a tender to coach a group of their people. I won the tender and got to coach sixteen of their people for a very good fee. Then, once I had the GM name on my website, other large multi-nationals came calling. Within two years my coaching practice was prospering. Now I can list amongst my clients names such as General Motors, AXA, Bosch, Yves St.Laurent, Dell, Xerox, Elsevier, ANZ Bank, Prudential, Johnson & Johnson, Portafina, Knauf, P&O and government departments The Cabinet Office and The Department of The Environment.

One of the most important aspects about the way that my business developed is that many of my corporate clients have continued to use my services for many years. In fact one of my corporate clients has been giving me work for nearly thirty years. I am still working with some of their people as I write this book. This would seem to suggest that they continue to notice improvements in the performance of the people whom I coach.

I have also learned that you don't have to be an outstanding performer in any field in order to become an outstanding coach. Butch Harmon Jr. did not have a successful career on the professional golf circuit, yet he coached Tiger Woods during the period that he won eight of his Major tournaments. Sir Alex Ferguson was not a highly rated professional football player, yet as the coach of Manchester United FC he won the English Premier League 13 times, the FA Cup 5 times, The Football League Cup 4 times as well as many more European and world trophies. It is important to recognise that success in one field of endeavour does not necessarily equate to the ability to succeed anywhere else. Some people are born to be coaches and others to be players or performers. That is the way of nature. The key that will unlock your ability to perform at your best is to find your niche (see chapters 4 & 7) and then to learn and keep on learning, and to work at it like your life depends on it.

It is my belief that my good fortune has been the result of all of the work and research that I have done to develop my own understanding of how to coach people to improve their performance. I also believe that I could only have made the effort to develop myself to be the best I can be because of my belief that what I do is the occupation for which the Gods intended me and because I believe that what I do gives important benefits to other people.

It is very important to recognise the role that my dedication to learning has played in making me an expert. That expertise is the solid foundation of my confidence. Knowledge is the source of my inner knowing that I can help people to perform to the best of their ability.

When I review my primary motivation I can see that I am driven by the simple desire to be the best coach I can be. The purpose for being the best I can be is so that I am able to coach other people to be the best they can be. The end result is that they are able to live fulfilling lives. It is seeing other people achieve their goals that results in me Feeling Groovy.

### How Do I Develop Belief?

Belief is not something that you can just develop on its own. You may want to believe that you will someday be wealthy but unless you have a vehicle that will make you wealthy you will never accumulate riches. You may want to believe that you will gain a promotion at work but unless you accumulate some noticeable achievements and show yourself to have leadership qualities it will not happen.

Belief comes on the back of having something in which to believe. This is why religions have doctrines, laws, rules, central figures, statues and places of worship. The more you study the tenets of a religion the more you come to believe.

You will discover your belief on the back of analysing what really matters to you. It may be that you suffered a great pain or frustration, what did you learn from that experience? What assistance to alleviate your pain was missing when you felt the need? Can you provide that assistance to help yourself and others?

Belief is something that you realise you have when you find yourself driven to action. Maybe you cannot stop reading a particular book that is showing you how to do something. Or maybe you attend a course and cannot wait to implement what you have learned. Or you may find yourself doing something that you never believed yourself capable of doing. You may find yourself being very critical of someone else's performance whilst, at the same time, telling yourself, "I could do better than that."

Belief brings an idea or a product to life. It cannot exist on its own. First you must have something in which to believe. Once you have that something your belief will drive you on. The belief will appear when the idea or product matters to you sufficiently.

Sometimes an idea is sufficient to give rise to belief. You will know if this is true when you find yourself sustaining your effort over a long period of time. It is reputed to have taken Thomas Edison over two thousand attempts to develop the element for the light bulb. He could only have sustained that effort by holding the belief that electricity could energise light.

* * *

On Christmas Eve 1971, Lansa airways Flight 508, a passenger flight from Lima, Peru to Pucallpa in the Amazon rainforest flew into a thunderstorm.

A bolt of lightning hit one of the fuel tanks which exploded and tore the right wing from the fuselage. The plane went into a nosedive. It crashed killing all 92 passengers and crew, except for Juliane Koepcke.

Juliane had been sitting in the window seat next to her mother. After the aircraft exploded she found herself falling through the air, still strapped to her seat.

Juliane remembers the seatbelt digging into her stomach as she fell. Then she saw the canopy of jungle trees spiralling towards her. She lost consciousness and only came to the next morning on the floor of the rainforest.

Somehow she had fallen two miles through the air and survived with nothing more than concussion, a broken collarbone and a gash on her leg.

However she was now lost in thick jungle whose only inhabitants were jaguars, scorpions and poisonous snakes. The rivers were filled with flesh eating piranha fish and alligators. She had no survival equipment. She was just a 17 year-old girl wearing a thin cotton minidress and one white sandal. She had no food except for a bag of boiled sweets. All she had was a firm belief that having survived falling 2 miles she would survive if she just kept going. She started to walk.

10 days after the plane crashed, on January 3 1972, Koepcke was found by three forest workers.

* * *

In what do you believe?

In whom do you believe?

# 9 Do You Know How You Operate Yourself?

Do you know that you have your own power supply? You use it constantly to make yourself more powerful or less powerful throughout the day. At any time you can boost your power or reduce it. When you know how you operate yourself your personal power is under your control.

When I ask people, "Do you know how you operate yourself?" they tend to look at me as if I've lost my marbles. It's just not something they have ever thought about. It is unlikely that you have ever thought about it. Nevertheless my question is entirely sane. Your motor car has an operating system that you use to make it go. Your computer has an operating system that makes it work. It makes sense therefore that you also have an operating system that makes you go - and you do have such a system.

You will gain enormous benefits from understanding how you operate yourself because once you know how you do what you do you can use the system to enhance your performance. Fine tuning how you operate yourself can lead to great improvements in what you do, the way that you do it and the quality and power of your output. These improvements can help you gain control of negative emotions and enhance your positive emotions so that you have more energy and a more delightful experience of life. The effect is like upgrading your computer, your iPad or your phone and all of the software inside the machines to a much more powerful levels.

### This is how you operate yourself:

Sensing:

See yourself as a Sensing Machine constantly scanning your environment to pick up information. As you move around your sensors see, hear, taste, smell and touch things that come into the orbit that you are constantly scanning.

Your senses are designed to alert you to what is happening in your environment. Your senses make you aware of anything new that you come into contact with. They never rest. All the time that you are awake they are working to inform and protect you.

Thinking:

As soon as your senses pick up any piece of information like a smell, a taste, a feel, a sight or a sound they feed the information into your brain for analysis.

You want to know, "what is this new object that has come into my environment?"

The information always goes first to your memory with the questions: "what is this?" and "Have we encountered anything like this before?"

If you have previously encountered the object your memory will tell you what you did last time. The likelihood then is that you will do the same thing again this time.

For example: you walk into a restaurant where you see your best friend. The moment you see your friend your sight sends a message to your memory asking: "who's this?" Your memory replies: "It's your best friend. You like her very much. You always smile and say 'hi' when you see her."

Feeling:

The moment that your memory gives you information about the situation that your senses have picked up the feedback from your memory that creates a feeling of some sort.

For instance, when you recognise your best friend the feedback from your memory will probably generate feelings of warmth and joy. These feelings will inject extra energy into your greeting.

On the other hand, should you meet someone that your memory informs you that you particularly dislike you may generate feelings of hatred, even anger.

The feelings that you generate are important because they provide the energy for any possible action that ensues from the encounter.

For instance when you meet your best friend and experience a feeling of joy it could result in you giving her a warm hug. Conversely when you encounter someone you dislike the feeling of hatred may result in you taking steps to avoid the individual or perhaps shouting angrily at them.

Acting:

Everything that you think and feel shows up in your actions. It might be that you simply blush at something someone says, or you might become angry when you think you have been wronged, or you might want to hug someone because you feel pleased to see them, or you might want to cheer loudly because you're excited to have been awarded a prize, or you might feel compelled to pick up your phone or write an email because you feel in need of assistance.

Sometimes when you feel uncertain or anxious your body will become tense. Other times when you feel really happy you will smile. Everything that you think and feel becomes an action.

The power of your actions always depends on the strength of your feelings about the subject on which your thoughts are focussed. When you feel very emotional your actions become more violent. Someone in the grip of a great rage might punch a wall or another person. The emotion can be so strong that they lose control of their actions and "go berserk." Conversely when you don't feel very strongly about something it becomes hard to commit yourself to take any action.

### How You Can Benefit From Knowing How You Operate Yourself

Now that you know how your operating system works you have the opportunity to make yourself aware of what is going on in your world. You can now watch your thoughts and the way that they influence your feelings. You can listen in on the conversations going on inside your head and change what you are saying to yourself so as to alter the emotional result. You can make decisions as to whether you need to feel so strongly about an incident. You can decide whether or not you need to take action.

What this means is that you no longer need to be a victim of your memory, you no longer need to respond automatically in the same way as on the last occasion that you encountered a particular situation. You now have the opportunity to analyse the information coming from your memory which gives you more control over your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviour. Using your mind effectively gives you more control over your destiny.

**This Question Needs an Answer.**

At this stage of their introduction to "How You Operate Yourself," some of my smarter clients ask me a very relevant question: "What happens when my senses encounter something and feed it to my memory and my memory does not have an answer? For instance, how would I know what to do the first time if I were to see a skunk coming through the door and moving towards me? I have no recollection of having seen anything like this before."

My reply: "You may have a sense that you might get harmed in some way if you don't take some kind of action. This sense might prompt you to take some kind of action."

Client: "Yes, but how do I know what action to take?"

My reply: "The answer is that you don't KNOW what to do. You have to create an answer. Your memory might be able to tell you that charging animals can be dangerous so you need to take evasive action. Or your memory might tell you that the skunk looks cute and maybe it wants a cuddle. Or, if you have time you may want to go to a search engine and ask it: 'How should I respond to an approach by a skunk?' In the final analysis you have to use your judgement to decide what to do."

Your judgement will be informed by a wealth of data about similar situations that are stored in your memory. Judgement can always be enhanced by adding new information that you can weigh in the balance before making a decision. You can get more information by researching or by asking another person who might have some experience of the situation you face. In the end it must always be your decision as to what you do.

You should bear in mind that every new decision you make will be stored in your memory. This means that your judgement is very important. Make a weak decision and it will be stored and that memory will be referred to on the next occasion when you encounter the same situation and this will probably lead to you making the same weak decision again and again and again. It therefore pays to make the effort to use good judgement every time you make a decision.

**The Easy Way to Change a Habit**

The way that your operating system works means that you carry out many of your actions without consciously thinking about what you're doing. You are on autopilot. You do not think about how you drive your car. You do not think about how you walk. You do not think about how you brush your teeth. All of these activities are carried out by autopilot programmes stored in your memory. Autopilot programmes are created by a process of constantly repeating an action in the same way. These autopilot programmes cause you to carry out activities in a habitual pattern, they enable you to do things without having to think. And that's the big problem with habits that you dislike.

If you eat too much you probably have a habit of putting too much food on your plate. If your plate is not overloaded you probably see it as being inadequate to satisfy your hunger and tell yourself, before you even start to eat, that you will not feel satisfied with this meal. The result is that you are unlikely to feel satisfied by the meal. As you put down your knife and fork you may already be searching for a way to get more food.

What happened in this instance was that your sight sense saw the plate, the information was sent to your memory which told you, "I normally have more food than this on my plate, my plate's not sufficiently full." This information immediately created the feeling that the meal would not satisfy you. As a result you decided, before you even started to eat, that you would need more food when you finished what was on the plate. Finishing the plate immediately triggered you to search for more food.

How do you break a habit like this?

Everything depends on you taking control of your thoughts. The first step is to create a vision of the person you want to become. Someone who is overweight needs to create a vision of their new sylphlike body, to see themselves joyously wearing smaller size clothes (see chapters 4 & 7). This needs to be a really strong and attractive vision.

Next you need to become aware of what thoughts are happening in your mind. When you look at the plate and think "my plate's not sufficiently full," you need to change the dialogue that is going on in your mind and tell yourself, "This looks like the sort of plate of food that a slim person such as the one I am becoming would eat." This will set up a dialogue between the part of you that desires more food and the part of you that desires to be slim. It is your job to make sure that the part of you that desires to be slim wins the battle of words going on inside your head.

It is always easy to give in to a habitual desire. Most of us will weaken at some time. However, just because you have a moment of weakness it does not mean that you have lost the war. You need to forgive yourself for that one aberration and reaffirm your true desire to achieve your goal. Too often people lose one battle and then give up the fight. Winners never give up on their desire to achieve their goals.

Every victory that you win over your "errant nature" makes you a stronger, more powerful person. You are going to be challenged. You will be challenged by the desire to sin, the desire to do what you know is wrong, the desire to indulge yourself, the desire to go back to your old bad habit, the desire to over eat, the desire for just one more drink, the desire to lose your temper, the desire to take what is not yours, and many more desires. Every time you resist a desire to err from the path of what you know is right, the path to becoming the person you would really love to be, you become stronger, you move nearer to your goal.

The secret to becoming powerful is to gain control over your thoughts and feelings. The more your thoughts are directed towards making you into the person you'd love to be and achieving the goals that really matter to you, the more likely you are to achieve those goals. The more you control your negative emotions and enhance your positive emotions the more you will be able to direct powerful energy into everything that you do.

Gaining control of your personal operating system is one of the great challenges of life. It is an essential skill for Feeling Groovy.

* * *

Owen loved driving his car. He loved the sense of freedom that he felt when he was behind the wheel. He also loved the excitement of speed. Going fast made him feel powerful.

What frustrated Owen was that the majority of the journeys he undertook were simply going to work or to the supermarket for the weekly shopping. On these journeys there was little opportunity to indulge his love of speed and, worse still, he was constantly frustrated by speed restrictions and traffic congestion. The result was that occasionally his frustrations would boil over and he'd slam his foot to the floor and zoom past another car.

At night time, when the roads were less congested, Owen would often collect speeding tickets as he took advantage of the open road to go faster.

Inevitably the day arrived when the penalty points on his driving license were nearing the disqualification level. It was then that his wife asked him a most important question: "Which is more important to you, the freedom to drive when and where you want, or the occasional thrill of going fast?"

As he considered his answer Owen was surprised that he found it difficult to give the obvious, practical answer that freedom was more important. The pull of the emotional high he got from speed was so strong that he was tempted to answer that he needed the injection of adrenalin that he got from speed. However, in the end good sense prevailed. It felt like a boring answer until his wife said, "Freedom is one of the greatest benefits in life. Think how lucky you are to be able to enjoy the freedom to work where you want, the freedom to live where you want, the freedom to live with whom you want, the freedom to choose what clothes to wear, the freedom to listen to any music you want. You should cherish all of your freedoms and be prepared to fight for them." Then she grinned at him, "You need to fight against your desire for the thrill you get from speed in order to enjoy the freedom that you get from being able to drive your car."

Owen hated her, momentarily, for being so logical. However he vowed to keep reminding himself that the freedom that his car gave him was more important to his overall enjoyment of life than the occasional high that he got from speed.

* * *

How do you operate yourself? Remind yourself of the four different stages.

How can you use your operating system to make yourself more powerful?

How can you change a habit?

# 10 How Closely Do You Listen to Your Self Talk?

It is easy to underestimate the power of words because we use them so frequently we tend to take words for granted. However, there have been times when words have moved you to feel anger, love, despair, joy, disgust and courageous. Idle gossip can offend you. Praise can elevate you. Oratory can inspire you. Drama can move you. Comedy can make you laugh.

It doesn't matter whether the words are spoken by someone else or simply by you to yourself, well chosen words always have the power to shift your feelings.

It is because words have the power to create feeling that it is vital that you use only the very best, most positive language when talking to both yourself and other people.

The challenge is that in language, as in all of your behaviours, you are sometimes a victim of your habits. In some situations you will have a habit of using bad or weak or negative language without even noticing what you're saying. You habitually use certain phrases and sayings. You habitually respond to situation by using the same form of words. For instance when you meet someone you know you might say, "Hi, how are you?" You're not asking about their health, you're not really interested, you are simply breaking the ice, opening up the dialogue. Many people end conversations with , "Take care," a meaningless phrase just like, "have a nice day." Why wouldn't I take care or have a nice day? This could be classified as thoughtless, habitual language.

Groovy people monitor their language. They listen to themselves. When they find themselves saying something that is weakening their performance they change their language. When they can't decide what to do they ask themselves a better question. When they feel anger welling up inside they quickly ask themselves, "Will it help me to allow anger to consume me here or is there some other feeling that will enable me to respond in a more productive way?"

Radio and Television companies sometimes use a 'broadcast delay loop' when broadcasting live material. This delay loop is commonly 7 seconds, just long enough to allow the programme director to edit out mistakes or unacceptable content from being broadcast. People who have good control of themselves use a similar 'delay loop' to listen to what they are about to say before they actually speak so that they can change anything that they don't like or which they think will create the wrong impression. For instance should they feel an angry outburst about to issue from their mouth they use their 'delay loop' to pause for a second and consider whether anger is the best option.

At some time in your life you may well have been advised that when you feel anger mounting you should "take a deep breath," this is to enable you to use your 'delay loop.' The trick to making this work is not just to use the deep breath to calm your emotions but to also use the time to rephrase what you were about to say. The rephrasing of your language will improve your ability to calm down.

The ability to listen to what we are saying to ourselves gives us a tremendous amount of control over our feelings and our behaviour. It allows us to energise ourselves when we are feeling lazy. It allows us to change direction by considering better options. It allows us to motivate others. It allows us to turn negative thoughts to positive thoughts. All of this can be done simply by talking to yourself using more positive language or by taking a more positive view of the outcome you want to achieve.

You may have heard sports people in the throes of a contest shouting to themselves, "come on!" They are using the invocation to encourage themselves to greater heights. They are digging within, seeking more from themselves.

When you feel stuck and cannot seem to make progress in some project in which you are involved the best action you can take is to bring up your picture of the outcome you desire and then talk yourself into doing whatever it takes to move towards turning the picture in your mind's eye into your reality. You sometimes need to remind yourself, "I can do this." Or "Come on, this matters. It will help a lot of people." You have to constantly talk yourself into creating whatever has meaning for you so that you keep up the effort to bring to life the cause greater than yourself.

It can often seem easier to talk yourself out of doing something that you regard as difficult. It is easy to delay by telling yourself that you will "start tomorrow." It is easy to prevaricate by doing something irrelevant that you convince yourself will be useful, but which, in reality, is only a way of doing something to prevent you from taking the perceived risk that you imagine might happen when you take positive action. The arguments we use when talking to ourselves can be so subtle that sometimes we do not realise that we are not actually going in the direction of our goal.

Your own bad language can make you feel depressed or lethargic. You may not think of it as bad language, but anything you say to yourself that suggests that you can't do something or that you are not good enough or that there is some insurmountable obstacle, is bad language, it weakens you, it makes you depressed or weak, it is stopping you from making progress.

You need to tune in to hear your own bad language.You need to be aware when you are talking yourself down, when you are talking yourself out of doing what needs to be done. "I can't study this evening, I'm too tired." "I can't make this presentation, I'm no good at speaking to large groups of people." "I don't feel that I have the authority to tell them what to do." Excuses, excuses, they make you weak; they prevent you from becoming the person you can become, they prevent you from making your goals into your reality.

When you want to swap your negative talk to something more positive it is best to first break state. In other words you should first interrupt the negative talk, and then, once the negative talk has been interrupted, change state and start a more positive dialogue with yourself. A good way to break state is to slap your hand noisily on a desk top or on your thigh, You can break state by deliberately looking away and focussing on something new. You can break state by changing your body position, perhaps by standing up or sitting down. The trick is to do something different and, if possible, unexpected.

A powerful way to switch negative talk to positive talk is to break state and then ask yourself this question, "what's the opposite of this?" For instance if you're telling yourself, "I'm too tired to study this evening," ask yourself, "what's the opposite of too tired to study?" Then answer, "I have bags of energy for the study I have to do this evening." Then get up and go study.

You will often find that simply by taking positive action you can change your thoughts and feelings. Try this when you're slouching along feeling depressed; slap your thigh to break state, then stand up straight, walk faster, lengthen your stride and soon you will find that you feel much better.

You have the power to both talk yourself out of doing things and you also have the power to talk yourself in to doing things. When you are tuned in to your own self talk you will hear the negative words that you use to talk yourself out of doing something, ask yourself "what's the opposite of this?" Then talk yourself into doing what needs to be done.

* * *

Sarah knew that she had allocated time this evening to finish preparing for John's performance review tomorrow morning. However she was constantly finding things to do to keep her occupied. She had washed the dishes and cleaned the apartment. Now she was tidying her wardrobe, a task she had put off many times before. She was actively engaged in prevaricating, everything she was doing needed doing, but none of these activities was getting John's review ready.

Sarah was not feeling good as she carried out all the household chores. She knew that she was avoiding a task that she believed she would find difficult. She had prepared notes of what she regarded as John's strengths and how he had used them during the past year. But it was his weaknesses, his anger and his bullying of colleagues, that had often disrupted the team's efforts, about which she didn't feel confident to confront him. John made her feel nervous. He was prone to anger when he did not like what people said about him. He was liable to start a complaints procedure if he was not satisfied with his review. Sarah feared how he might react.

It was as she was making herself a cup of coffee between tasks that Sarah suddenly recalled something that her coach had repeatedly asked her: "Who pulls your strings Sarah? Is it you or some situation that you imagine might come about?"

She sat down in an armchair and gave herself a good talking to. This is what she said to herself: "Stop all this negative self talk, it's not getting you anywhere. Now, what is the opposite of what you have been saying to yourself all evening? This is an opportunity to give John some valuable feedback and to get him to think how he should behave in order to fulfil his potential. That's better. Now create a positive outcome movie for tomorrow's review meeting." She saw herself calmly telling John that his anger and bullying was having a disruptive effect on the team. She saw John exploding into anger. She didn't allow John's anger to dominate her, she saw herself remaining calm and asking John, "Who pulls your strings John? What effect do you think your behaviour has on other people? How do you think they view you when you lose your temper? What effect do you think that your behaviour has on your career prospects?" Then, as John became thoughtful and more calm, she saw herself asking him, "How do you think someone with all of your ability should behave in order to reach your full potential."

As she played the scenario over and over in her mind she could feel herself feeling more "senior," more in control, more like she was having a positive effect on John's career, and that felt good to her. She quickly wrote down the questions and then went to bed and enjoyed a good night's sleep.

The next day John's performance review played out almost exactly as Sarah had envisaged in her movie.

* * *

How did Sarah use awareness of her self talk to change her negative self talk to positive self talk?

What did Sarah do to make herself feel better and to achieve a positive outcome?

What was the question that Sarah's coach used to make her aware of her behaviour?

How will you tune in to your own self talk?

What question should you ask yourself when you find yourself using negative self talk?

# 11 Are You Simpleminded?

When you give your mind any freedom it will fill every second with something and it's not selective about what that something is. Given freedom your mind will roam around searching, like Google on speed. Like a child with unlimited pocket money it just needs to find something to fill the space between your ears.

The Greek philosopher Plato said: "Take charge of your thoughts you can do with them what you will." The question is, "Do you take charge of your mind, or does your mind just wonder around looking for something to fill each idle moment?"

The point is that if you do not direct your mind it will do its own thing and that can create all kinds of problems for you.

It takes a clear idea of what you want and iron willpower to remain focussed on what you want. You need to direct your mind constantly and keep it on track so that it does not become distracted by the constant interruptions of incoming calls, texts, emails, thoughts, noises, images and background clutter and chatter.

It is because of all the possible distractions that you need a clear picture of what you want and the determination to remain focussed. The more simple you can make your vision of your desired outcome the easier it will be to remain focussed.

When Steve Jobs set his development team the task of designing the iPhone his aim, as with all Apple products, was to produce a phone that would look great and be simple to operate. He encapsulated his thinking in the simple phrase, "one button." He wanted the phone to turn on and be ready to operate by pressing just one button. The designers pleaded with him for buttons on the side to control volume, on the back, at the top and at the bottom. Jobs remained adamant, "one button."

To achieve and maintain your focus on your simple vision you need to be in charge of your thoughts, completely in control of your mind. This requires that you practice iron self-discipline constantly. The best way that I have found to do this is to meditate daily. In meditation you practice keeping your concentration on a single subject. It is regular practice that eventually enables you to gain some measure of control over your mind. That is how you learn to experience what is real.

First thing every morning I sit cross legged on a cushion on the floor for half an hour. Many mornings I simply watch my breath going in and out of my nose. No music, no voice guidance, no object of focus, just my breath and my eyes focussed on a spot on the floor four feet in front of me. Other mornings I might focus my mind on a single subject like one of my values, possibly determination or courage or how to make something simple or the meaning of right understanding, right intent or right thinking. The whole point is to practice disciplining my mind whilst deepening my understanding of what gives my life meaning.

Part of the art of Feeling Groovy is to be in control of your thoughts. This is about being able to focus the full power of your mind. It is also about being able to remain calm in any circumstance - learning to "nest in a storm" when the world is raging against you.

What meditation gives you is the ability to readily access that inner self deep inside of you and bring forth, when the situation demands, the best of you - perhaps when you need to find a way forward, or when you are under siege from a difficult situation or someone else's aggression.

It is the practice of just sitting still and focussing on just one thing that makes everything simple.

That is The Power of Practice. You can use this power to improve your ability to perform better in any situation.

Learn simple ways to do things and then practice those simple methods.

Most situations will surrender to good process. And good process is more easily implemented when it is simple to do.

* * *

Jack was a gadget freak. There were so many apps on his phone that it ran out of memory. His car was laden with gadgets both inside and outside, it looked more like a satellite than a motor car. Every surface in his kitchen was covered with gadgets to make the preparation and cooking of food easier. In the end there were so many gadgets that there was no working surface on which to cook so he went out for many of his meals.

When his girlfriend left the last thing she shouted at him was: "You don't ever use any of your gadgets, you just get excited by the idea of owning the latest thing. You spend all this money and it does nothing for you. You're an addict, you're a mess!"

Jack felt incensed. He immediately bought apps to help him find a new girlfriend and to improve his ability to develop a long-lasting relationship.

Two years later with more than thirty apps purchased Jack still didn't have a new girlfriend. He felt miserable, his work was suffering and he had lost interest in his appearance. Early one summer, at lunchtime, he was mooching through the park, dragging his feet disconsolately when a shout interrupted his reverie:

"Hey, misery guts, grab hold of this line for me for a minute will you." The voice was gruff but it also had a bit of a smile in it.

Jack looked around to see a hatless man in a tee shirt and blue jeans standing in a newly dug flower bed. There were beads of sweat on his brow. He was holding a length of twine with which he wanted to lay a straight line along which to plant a row of marigold seedlings. As Jack stared dumbly at him the man held out a dibber to which was attached the end of his ball of twine. "Just poke that into the ground over there for me, will you please."

Without thinking Jack responded to the order, walked into the newly dug flower bed and plunged the dibber into the earth. He didn't realise it at the time but it was a decisive moment in his life. Before he knew what was happening he found himself on his knees in the dirt planting meticulously spaced marigold seedlings along the line of twine. He became completely preoccupied in the simple task of dibbing a hole, planting the seedling, covering the roots with earth and then firming the soil gently around the stem. It seemed quite natural to obey the orders from the city gardener. As the hours passed dark soil became ingrained in the skin of his hands, it gathered beneath his finger nails and he could even taste it in his mouth. He didn't care, he was engrossed in planting. He didn't notice when a passing tramp picked up his discarded jacket, swung it over his shoulder and disappeared into the crowd of passers-by.

As the afternoon sun crossed the sky Jack and the gardener planted out seven flower beds. When they eventually ran out of seedlings the gardener said to Jack: "Thanks for all your hard work. It's been a great help." He held out a grubby hand which Jack took. "You're a good worker. Let me know if ever you want a job."

Jack was shocked by the remark. He was a senior IT Architect. "Why," he wondered, "would I want a job as a gardener's assistant?"

Back in his apartment he washed and scrubbed his hands but, try as he might, he could not get them completely clean. He felt tired and slumped down on his settee. But he did not turn on his TV as he would normally do at this time of day. He didn't even reach for the remote or instruct Alexa to turn on the TV. He just sat staring at his hands.

After a long time he became aware that he was smiling and, as he noticed the smile, it turned to laughter. He could not believe that he had just spent the whole afternoon grubbing around on his hands and knees in flower beds. And he certainly couldn't believe that he had thoroughly enjoyed the experience. It was utter madness.

He continued to stare at the earth engrained skin on his hands until darkness descended. It was awareness of the darkness that spurred him to think of what he had to do. He felt hungry so he went out to fetch a pizza.

As he walked down the street he felt somehow different. For the first time in years he was not thinking about the design complexities of some information technology solution. He was actually thinking about plants and soil and how to make the plants grow. The realisation of this simple truth amazed him, but it also made him feel good.

When he got back to his apartment he went to the spare room where he had dumped the trunk with his father's few possessions after the funeral. He searched until he found the well thumbed copy of The Gardner's Friend. He took the book into the living room and started to leaf through the pages as he ate his pizza. Very quickly the picture of a marigold captured his interest and he became absorbed in reading.

The next morning on his way to work he made a detour through the park. The gardener was already working in a flowerbed by the tennis courts. Jack approached him and asked casually, "Were you serious about the job offer?"

The gardener looked surprised, but he was quick to recognise a good worker. He leant on his spade and looked straight at Jack. "Are you sure about this son?'

"Yes," Jack replied. "I've been up most of the night reading a gardening book and I really loved it. For the first time in years I felt a connection with what I was reading about."

The gardener smiled, "All right then, when can you start?"

"Don't know yet. I have to give notice. I'll let you know at lunchtime." As he walked away Jack was aware of a lightness in his step. He was already planning a gadget sale. And he was looking forward to learning about his new occupation. He was already focussed on the single, simple desire to grow plants. In his mind's eye he could see acres an acres of well planted, well tended plants. People were looking at the flower beds with joy. He smiled as he looked at the simple vision.

It was late summer when Jack finally managed to start his new job. Smartly dressed people from his old company would sometimes notice him working in one of the city gardens and call out some humorous derogatory remark. But Sarah noticed how much more masculine he looked now that his skin was tanned by the sun and he wore torn jeans, a faded check shirt and scuffed brown boots. She made a deliberate point of sitting to eat her lunch sandwich near where he was working in the hope that he might recognise her. It was no good, he was too preoccupied. So the next day she bought sandwiches for two and brazenly offered him the ham and cheese. He accepted, and that was the way that their relationship started.

* * *

What's the lesson in this story?

What did you learn from reading the story?

What caused Jack to make changes?

What will cause you to make changes in your life?

What was the real benefit that Jack got from the changes he made?

What questions do you need to ask yourself in order to find a meaningful direction for your life?

What benefits will you get from making changes in your life?

How will you make these changes?

# 12 How Much Freedom Do You Enjoy?

Freedom is one of the greatest of all human gifts. Freedom gives us the right to think, speak and act as we wish. Freedom is not being imprisoned in any way. Freedom is not being the victim of a situation, like a famine or a war. Freedom is to not have our thoughts or actions dictated to by any other person.

One of the most severe punishments that society can inflict on a human being is to deny them their freedom, to imprison them. Slavery is abhorred in civilised societies because it deprives the slave of their freedom.

If you were born in a free, democratic society you tend to take individual freedom for granted and thus to perhaps not regard it as highly as you should. Yet many people who reside in countries in the free world feel imprisoned by their jobs. Their work earns them the money to carry out many "free" activities in their own time but this fails to satisfy the individual. Why? Because they are not free to do as they wish or free to express themselves through their work or they feel constricted by their work hours, their place of work or the management style of their employer. They have the choice as to whether to continue in such employment or to break free, yet they choose to imprison themselves in the uninspiring employment because they convince themselves that they need to be chained to it in order to earn the money. They are in fact choosing to be slaves to their employer simply because they lack the will to do something else. This type of self-restriction - you might even call it self-imprisonment - is a self-inflicted pain.

In order to break free you need to know what else you could do to earn an equivalent or greater amount of money. Many people consider themselves incapable of working out what else they could do. They will tell you that they try to think of other things they could do, but they never find an answer. In fact most of the time they are simply dreaming rather than searching diligently. They often also lack the courage to take the step away from the regular source of income into an unknown future.

Earning freedom from any type of imprisonment requires courage. Think of the great migrations; bring to mind the people who have picked up their few meagre possessions and trekked for thousands of miles in the hope of a better life somewhere else. In the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries millions of Europeans upped sticks and shipped themselves to America. They hoped for freedom from serfdom, freedom to pursue their religious beliefs, freedom to express themselves, freedom to earn unlimited money. Many people found these freedoms in their new land, many more remained in the poverty from which they had sacrificed so much to escape, they never found the freedom they desired. Perhaps they never managed to overcome the habit of serfdom and sold their labour by the hour to employers in their new country. Today the urge to migrate, in order to escape the pain of war or appalling living conditions and find something better, still drives millions to migrate northwards from Africa and the Middle East.

There are reasons why many people fail to achieve the freedom they so desire and these reasons are mainly to do with their fear of the unknown. It is desperation that triggers those who choose to migrate to conquer their fear of the unknown and set out on their hazardous journeys. Someone with a so-called secure job finds it difficult to unchain themselves from the income, conquer their fear of the unknown and migrate to another way of earning a living. It is often only when someone is made redundant from their job that desperation triggers them to take the decision to search for a better way to earn a living.

So we can see that desperation is often the catalyst for people breaking free. But it doesn't have to be that way. You have freedom of choice, you can start now. In order to start you have to first decide what you really want. Your wonderful vision of the life you really want to live is the essential first step that many people find inordinately difficult. This explains why they need the painful feeling of desperation to trigger them to focus their energies on finding a better way of life.

The fact is that freedom is never won easily. You may have been born into a society that grants you many freedoms, but most of us have to suffer agonies of doubt and uncertainty in order to define how we want to earn our livelihood and then we have to find our way to the promised land of being able to express ourselves through what we do to earn our daily bread and justify our place in society. Such freedom is nearly always hard won.

To get to where you want your life to be requires that, like all migrants, you have a vision and a plan. These have to be implemented with courage and persistence. It is unlikely that the journey will be easy. But it is highly likely that when you get to your destination you will have the inestimable satisfaction that comes from knowing that your life now has meaning and that what you do is worthwhile. You will be able to express yourself - you will truly be free because you will have done what you were designed to do. That is a feeling for which it is worth following the migration route.

How much pain will it take to kick you out of the rut of dissatisfaction in which you now find yourself? How much do you have to suffer before you revolt and decide that you must move on?

It is estimated that 30 - 40 percent of people think that their job is pointless or even harmful. Are you one of these people?

If you still feel dissatisfied you will benefit from going back and re-reading chapter 4 so that you can decide, once and for all, what you really want.

Throughout my career as a coach I have been constantly drawn forward by my vision of people set free from the chains of their own self-limiting thoughts, free to enjoy the freedom that comes from living meaningful lives in which they do meaningful work that benefits others. I work to enable people to Feel Groovy - the vision that I told you about in Chapter 7 is meaningful to me, it inspires me, it reinvigorates me every morning and every time I am with a client.

* * *

Sana Daher was humming to herself as she wiped the green laminate table top in the hospital staff restaurant. A young doctor sat at the table drinking his morning coffee. He smiled as he watched her at work. "You seem very happy this morning," he remarked.

Sana returned his smile. "I am always happy now," she replied.

"Why do you say 'now'? Were you not happy before?"

Her expression changed to a frown. "I come from Homs in Syria. For 6 years that madman throws bombs at our city. All that time we sheltered in the basement of our house. The noise, the dust, the destruction were terrible. The danger and fear were never-ending." She sighed before suddenly pulling herself together and smiling once more. "Now my family are all here. We are safe. My children go to school. My husband is studying at the technical college to have his engineering degree recognised in this country. And when he gets a good job I will return to University to qualify to teach economics here." Her smile broadened. "Life is very good now. We have very little money. Our apartment is very small. But we are all together and we are safe."

The doctor nodded his head in understanding. "Was it very hard to get here?" he asked.

She frowned as she recalled the journey. "It was very, very hard. We had to go through so many different countries, Turkey, Greece, Bulgaria, Serbia, Hungary, Austria, Germany and Belgium." She counted them off on the fingers of her left hand. "None of these countries wants you to cross their border. We had very little money. Often we had to walk for days and days with no food. I sold all my jewellery for very little money. But it was enough to get us across the sea into Europe. More than four thousand kilometres we had to travel with small children. Often it was very cold. Sometimes it was very hot. Nearly two years it took us to get here." Suddenly she brightened up again. "But now we are here. I have a job and we feel safe. People here are very kind to us. I feel free. You have no idea what a wonderful feeling that is after you have lived with fear and uncertainty every day for so many years." She beamed at the young doctor. "Yes, I feel free!" she laughed. Her face showed her delight.

* * *

Are your free or chained?

How much pain does being chained cause you?

Do you feel proud of yourself that you are someone's slave?

What would give your life meaning? Have you yet created your inspiring vision for your life?

What actions are you taking to set yourself free?

# 13 What Gives Your Life Meaning?

Meaning is something that we long for at a deep level within ourselves. It seems that we all have a drive that makes us search for meaning in what we do. This drive is like an itch that cannot be scratched. We seem to have an inner knowing that if only we can find some meaning in our life it will lift us up, we will feel content, at peace, that all will be well with the world.

"If only I could find a job that is meaningful. work would then be so much more fulfilling."

What gives life meaning is having something to live for - something that enhances our life. At its highest level meaning is something greater than ourselves. When you think about it, meaning has to be something greater than ourselves in order to lift us up to a higher level. Hence the importance of helping others. The more we subsume our "self" and put ourselves at the service of other people the less vociferous we are likely to find the internal voice prompting us to search for meaning.

However, you should be aware that what is meaningful is likely to change during the course of your life. At the start of life doing well at school in order to please our parents may be meaningful. When we start work earning sufficient money to keep up with our friends and enjoy life may be meaningful. When we get married and start a family, being a good parent may be meaningful. When the children leave home exploring the world may become the most meaningful aspect of your life. You are forever in search of a reason to be happy, looking for that elusive something that will enable you to feel fulfilled.

Meaning is different for each of us. What is meaningful for me may be meaningless to you. You may find Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata a boring piece of music, however the same piece of music may enhance my feelings of love for my wife. Working as a gardener inspires Steve because he can express himself through such work and he derives pleasure from the enjoyment that his work gives to those who see his garden, but his wife has no interest in gardens. Working with horses brings out feelings of love and responsibility in Jane, but her cousin Verity prefers her dogs.

Meaning can often be found in the ways that we express ourselves. A young lad picks up a guitar and finds that playing the instrument makes him feel good, it seems that the music he plays expresses how he feels. Because he enjoys playing the guitar he practices frequently with the result that he becomes a good player. He is naturally drawn to play music that expresses who he is and how he feels. When other people listen to him play they enjoy the music, they can relate to what he is expressing, it has meaning for them. Seeing the pleasure he is giving to others the young man finds that playing his music is meaningful for him.

Music is often a source of meaning for people because it enhances their life experience in some way. Art and theatre have a similar effect for many people. Learning can also be a source of meaning. For instance, learning can enable someone to discover more about themselves and how to perform better or it can tell them how they can be cured of some disability. Work can be a source of meaning when we find that we enjoy an ability to do something that is valued by others. There is no single activity that gives meaning to everyone. We each have to find our own source of meaning. Just bear in mind that what has meaning for you is more likely to be an activity than a thought.

You cannot think your way to meaning, you have to experience what it is like. Which means that to discover what gives your life meaning you have to try different activities. Meaning is not something you can discover in a day dream, it will only be revealed when you feel that you have done something worthwhile and you will only get that feeling once you become engaged in an activity. The feeling will be like a warm glow inside you. It will make you feel like you have just achieved something important, something of value, something worthwhile.

Activities that are meaningful for you give you a wonderful sense that you are expressing who you are, they are meaningful for you. Involving yourself in meaningful activities is the best cure for stress.

### Finding Meaning

Where should you look for something that is likely to add meaning to your life?

It is said that love is the highest goal to which man can aspire. Assuming that this is true, we can conclude that aspiring to do something you love is likely to be meaningful for you. To do what you do in a loving way will enhance your experience. Make a list of everything that you look forward to doing. Consider the activities that you really enjoy.

Then, as you immerse yourself in each activity, make a note of any parts of that activity that give you the feeling that you have achieved or that you are achieving, something worthwhile. Perhaps the whole activity will feel enjoyable to you, but it is likely that it will be some aspect of the activity that is the real turn on. Did what you were doing feel important? Did it enhance some aspect of life for someone else?

It may well be that you notice that some activity has meaning for you when you are being creative about the way that you are carrying out the activity. Perhaps you are being responsive to the situation in a way that is creative. Perhaps when you are considering embarking on an activity you are thinking about different or new ways of carrying out that activity. Your creativity may suggest that the activity is meaningful for you.

Being creative doesn't mean that you have to be painting like Picasso or sculpting like Michelangelo or writing like Shakespeare, it just means that you are putting your own personal stamp on what you are doing. You are enhancing the activity by using your own thoughts, ideas or intuition. Perhaps you are simply putting a new interpretation on something that already exists. You are simply expressing who you are and doing so has meaning for you. Between 1859 and 1889 five different or updated versions of Edward FitzGerald's translations of the Farsi poem The Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam were published. Each translation or update was designed to add a little to the reader's understanding of the poem; every translation had FitzGerald's stamp on it. Consider how many upgrades there have been to the iPhone, each one, in some way, an improvement on the last, each new iPhone requiring more ingenuity. Because they operate so intuitively iPhones are the phones of choice for millions of users. Each new edition creates a wave of excitement because a new phone means new design features and new wonder for avid Apple fans.

Meaning is often to be found close to activities that cause you stress. For instance Kathy was drawn to help people who find life challenging. She qualified as a psychotherapist, but she found the work stressful because with so many cases and the cases were so varied that she became overwhelmed when trying to decide how best to help each patient. However, she never lost sight of the fact that she was driven by the desire to help suffering people. She noticed that she was especially drawn to want to help people suffering from stress. So she retrained as a specialist stress therapist and found that she was more able to help her patients and that she got huge satisfaction every time a case concluded satisfactorily.

* * *

Michael was a keen golfer. He was a good player with a single figure handicap. He was also a keen student of the game. He enjoyed the experience of striking a golf ball well. He couldn't help studying how other players struck their ball. Because of his knowledge of the game and his close observations of other players, he could easily spot faults in technique and he knew what would cure the fault.

When Michael played, he often found himself struggling to not tell other players what they could do in order to improve their play. The urge to instruct sometimes felt as if it would overwhelm him.

Michael decided to enrol for a Professional Golf Association course that would give him a teaching qualification. Even though he was only able to enrol as a part time student, Michael felt elevated the moment he started the course. He could feel extra energy in his body. He became aware of a strong sense of purpose that seemed to infect all areas of his life.

Michael eventually became the go-to coach for many professional golfers and an army of wannabe amateur players. He was always happy to coach anyone who wanted to improve their game. Teaching gave his life meaning.

* * *

Have you noticed any activity that you really love doing?

Have you made a list of the activities that you enjoy?

Have you started to observe yourself as you carry out any of the activities that you enjoy?

Have you isolated any parts of an activity that you want to study in greater detail?

Have you noticed how you feel when you carry out your daily activities?

# 14 How To Make a Stressful Job Meaningful and Enjoyable

Any job can become stressful when the pressure mounts too high. The pressure can be caused by task overload, email overload, a lack of clear direction, too many or too harsh commands, a lack of delegation outlets or any number of other factors that contribute to a feeling of being overwhelmed. The feeling that one's efforts are unappreciated can also cause stress. The view that one is at a dead end and can make no further progress can also cause feelings of dissatisfaction or stress.

When you find yourself feeling stressed there are a number of ways you can deal with the situation. The most common action is to moan to one's family and friends about how difficult you are finding your work. This is unlikely to alleviate the situation and is, quite frankly, a waste of time. It is common nowadays for people in the grip of stress to visit their doctor or physician. This can result in your being prescribed drugs like Valium or some form of talking therapy. I have noticed over the years that Cognitive Behaviour Therapy often proves to be beneficial for overcoming stress. Of course, a good vacation can also alleviate stress.

However, the solutions mentioned above are liable to only have a short term effect. The best solution is to find a way to make your work meaningful and enjoyable. The secret is to find the benefit of what you do and then to focus your attention on the people who benefit from your labours. I don't mean the people who benefit from the money you earn or the status you enjoy, like your family, relatives and friends; I mean the people who benefit from the end product of your work. For instance if you are a surgeon it is your patients who benefit from your skilful work, if you're a waitress it is your diners who benefit from your labour, if you're a civil servant it is a section of the general public who benefit from you doing your job well, if you're a marketeer it is your target market who benefit from the information you give them about your product and, if you are a teacher it is your pupils who benefit from your instruction.

It is the beneficiaries of your labours whom you need to bring to life. Start by visualising them enjoying the fruits of your labour. As I write this book I am visualising people gaining understanding of how they can lead more meaningful and happy lives. I see people actually feeling good about what they are doing, in my mental picture they are happy that they are contributing.

It is the feeling that what you are doing is contributing to an improvement in someone else's life that makes work meaningful. There is altruistic joy in knowing that you are labouring not just for selfish financial or status reasons but rather for the enhancement of another's life.

In a nutshell the secret of escaping from stress is to stop being so self-centred and to become more altruistic.

**These People Have Made Their Everyday Jobs Meaningful**

Maria is a civil service clerk in a government office that processes passport applications. Her job is simply to check that the pages of each passport have been correctly completed, then to prepare an envelope, insert the passport into the envelope with the covering letter, address the envelope and despatch it to the applicant. Not an onerous job by any stretch of the imagination and somewhat boring. However, just prior to the peak holiday seasons Maria has to process hundreds of passports each day and the pressure can build appreciably.

To cope with the pressure Maria imagines the wonderful vacation that each applicant is about to enjoy. She visualises herself with the applicant enjoying the canals of Venice, or the beaches of St. Tropez, or a Caribbean island, or a Colorado ski resort. In this way she knows that she is playing a small part in making the life of each applicant more enjoyable and that make Maria's job worthwhile and meaningful for her.

Maria's husband is a baker who bakes bread for the best restaurants in town. As he works he imagines diners enjoying his bread with their soup or perhaps with some cheese or a glass of wine. Sometimes, in his imagination, he joins the diners in their conversation. Once he dined with the prime minister and talked with him about taxation and how to raise the standard of living. He was pleased that the politician appreciated his bread and the contribution that it made to the enjoyment of his meal.

Lucy is an IT Project Architect for a company that provides an information base for the healthcare industry. In a fast-changing industry Lucy has to be up to speed with many different areas of her organisation as well as knowing about the latest developments in both IT architecture and healthcare. The job carries many responsibilities and could be considered highly stressful, but you would not know that her job is stressful when you meet Lucy. She carries the load of her responsibilities without apparent effort because she considers herself to be blessed to be allowed to do such and interesting and challenging job. She knows that the decisions she makes affects the wellbeing of many thousands of people but she focusses steadfastly on the health of the patients at the end of the information chain.

Part of Lucy's strategy for being happy with her personal performance is to follow through on each project that she initiates to find out exactly how the end beneficiaries of her work benefit from what she has done. By taking this level of interest in the outcome of her work she is able to constantly reassure herself that what she does has real meaning for others.

John is a corporate lawyer who works with companies developing large commercial buildings in city centre locations. The advice he gives to his clients nearly always has multi-million dollar implications. When he stops to consider the potential losses that could be incurred by his clients should his advice prove erroneous it causes sweat to break out all over his body, so he makes sure that he focusses strongly on positive outcomes. But John is also a keen environmentalist and he will only work on projects that he considers will enhance the overall physical environment of a city and also provide a place of work which people will be proud to give as their office address.

Despite their very different occupations all of these people share two things in common. First, they all create meaning for their work by keeping in mind the end beneficiaries of their labours. Second, they all have the mental discipline to maintain their focus when their workload could cause them to feel pressurised.

When you find your job becoming stressful focus your attention on the end beneficiaries of your work, visualise them enjoying the fruits of your labour. Altruism is the key to finding meaning in our work.

# 15 Do You Know How to Feel Calm?

The big advantage of feeling calm is that it gives you space and the time in which to think, to consider and to be creative.

I love the feeling of "calm." To me "calm" is a special place where I can find my true self. It is where I find peace, not just peace of mind but peace for my soul. It is the place that I take myself to when I find anger, disappointment, blame or anxiety invading my being.

When I'm feeling calm my mind whirrs less, nothing seems so important. Indeed nothing is sufficiently important to disturb my state of calm.

When I feel calm it seems like I have more time. Having more time allows me to be more considerate. It gives me the space in which to work out my best possible course of action.

When I feel calm ideas come to me; they seem to just appear out of the blue. Perhaps this is why good ideas so often wake us in the middle of the night?

When I feel calm I am more patient. It seems like I have more time for what I am doing or what I am thinking about.

When I feel calm I have more room to feel loving.

There are many books and trainings that advocate that you take a deep breath when you feel overwhelmed by the invasion of disturbing feelings or chattering thoughts and wish to gain control of your mind. The principle of this idea is that taking a deep breath allows you time to collect your thoughts and decide on your best course of action. It is a way of breaking state. The additional benefit of a deep breath is that it also serves to oxygenate your blood which helps you to relax. I can state with the absolute certainty of experience, that taking a deep breath works, BUT you have to practice deep breathing. If you are not practiced in taking a deep breath when unwanted feelings or thoughts well up within you, it will not prove nearly as effective as it can be if you practice regular deep breathing.

Shallow breathing takes place in your chest. This shallow breathing is associated with your fight or flight system. As long as you continue to take shallow breaths you will remain in a state of nervousness.

When you need to feel calm the trick is to move your breathing down into the lower part of your lungs by using your diaphragm to control the in and out movement of your breath.

To be effective a deep breath has to feel like it is taking place in the pit of your stomach. You draw the breath in using your stomach muscles. Then, when your lower lungs are fully expanded, you exhale by pressing in with your stomach muscles.

Once you master the art of deep breathing you can do it in any position; standing up, sitting or lying down. The best position in which to learn and practice is lying down. If you're a beginner you should lie flat on your back. Place one hand flat on your stomach at waist level. Expand your stomach muscles by pushing out into the palm of your hand. Breath in slowly drawing air into the expanded place. Hold the breath for a slow count of four. Draw in your stomach muscles by pressing inwards with your hand. Breath out slowly as your muscles draw in. Repeat ten times, slowly.

Once you become a practiced deep breather you do not need to place your hand on your stomach. You will also be able to deep breathe regardless of your body position.

One reason why I practice meditation every day, for half an hour, first thing in the morning, is so that I can practice being calm. It is a time of peace and quiet. A time to practice mental control. A time to reflect on what is important in life. Sitting on a small cushion with my legs crossed can become painful. It is a tough discipline. I suspect that one of the greatest benefits of meditation is the development of the self-discipline required to just sit absolutely still for thirty minutes.

On the subject of meditation I do not advocate the use of any outside agents. No apps. No music. No objects on which to focus. No voice to guide your thoughts. Meditation is about mind control not about doing what someone or something else tells you. Just sit absolutely still and breathe deeply. Focus all of your attention on the breath going in and out of the end of your nose. The only alternative to this discipline that I allow myself is to focus on one particular subject, like for instance, calm or peace or freedom or love. By focussing on a particular subject I find that my understanding of that subject grows.

In your search for calm you may find that understanding colours helps you. Some colours like deep blue, the colour of deep water, can have the effect of calming the mind. I list below a few colours and their psychological meaning.

Colours have meaning to everyone except the colour blind. You can use colours to create emotion or to highlight any emotion that you are feeling.

Simply by looking at a particular colour or wearing that colour or even visualising that colour you can create the emotion or feeling associated with the colour. You can also use colours to enhance feelings.

Yellow has the radiant quality of sunshine. Yellow is the colour of expansiveness and relaxation. It creates good feelings like, cheerfulness, happiness, joy and vitality.

Dark blue is symbolic of calm sea. This colour pacifies our central nervous system and promotes sensitivity of feeling. It is the colour of truth, trust, sensitivity and love.

Green is the colour of nature, of all things natural and the maintenance of the status quo. It is the colour for perseverance and tenacity. Favouring green suggests firmness, constancy and resistance to change.

Red expresses vital force. It speeds up the pulse, raises blood pressure and increases your respiration rate. Appetite, desire and craving are associated with this colour. Red appeals to those striving to achieve results and be successful.

Black is the colour of "no." It is the colour of renunciation and surrender. It is the colour of dread.

By choosing to wear a particular colour you can affect your mood for the day.

By using a particular colour background on the slides in your presentation you can slightly influence the feelings of the viewers.

You will benefit greatly from finding ways to be calm. Being calm will give you more time to enjoy the best moments in your life. Feeling calm will enable you to control emotions that can destroy your reputation and your relationships. Being calm will enhance your creativity. When you are calm you have more time to think and consider what you are doing or what you are about to do.

* * *

What benefits do you now associate with being calm?

How will you calm yourself when emotions are raging inside you and you feel an overwhelming desire to hit, kick and scream?

# 16 Feeling Groovy Leadership

Far too many leaders are Grumpy Commanders. They piss people off with their constant demands to get things done immediately, if not sooner. They set goals that are only meaningful to themselves. They constantly cut budgets then demand that more is done with reduced resources. Grumpy Commanders believe that they have a divine right to be the sole innovators and solution finders. Then, once they think they have the solution they pass orders down their chain of command to the slaves below. And because the slaves below are never asked to think or be creative they fail to develop and their brains go to sleep. The end result is that the whole organisation slumps into a slough of dullness.

Guess what, no-one likes working for a Grumpy Commanders. Their main achievement is to create unhappiness and serious employee engagement problems at the places where they work.

Leaders who practice Feeling Groovy work on the principle that "people achieve more when they want to achieve something that has meaning for them." They recognise that someone who is drawn towards a shining vision of something they care about deeply will work their socks off without having to be constantly goaded.

Feeling Groovy leadership is about creating an environment in which everyone is as in love with what they are doing as the leader and feels just as groovy, committed, enthusiastic, energised and purposeful. If you are in a leader position and you don't love what you are doing, please do everyone a favour and go find another way to earn your livelihood.

Groovy Leaders devise goals that have real meaning for their teams. In other words NOT: "we will increase our customer base by twenty percent in the next 12 months." Yuk! Does any employee really care how big the customer base is? Will they benefit from more customers? No! A Groovy Leader's goal would look more like: "My job is to make myself, my colleagues and all of our clients feel happy that what we are delivering offers such outstanding value that customers want to return for more." They keep asking the question: "What can we enjoy doing that will make our customers want to return for more?"

Groovy Leaders get everyone involved. They invite their teams to participate about important issues by asking questions like: "How do you see it?" and "What would you do to achieve this objective?" They want people's thoughts and ideas. They value creativity, they understand that people are naturally creative and they know that the more people use their creativity the stronger it becomes. And, because they challenge their team members to think and develop ideas, they develop talent.

Groovy Leaders always behave as if they feel happy, enthusiastic and committed to what they're doing. They lead the spirit of the team by their example. As a leader there will be times when you don't feel that great yourself, these are the occasions on which you need to show real leadership by pulling yourself together and acting as if you feel happy, enthusiastic and committed.

Groovy Leaders care about the people in their team. They understand the importance of creating a personal bond with each member of their team. They know personal details about each member of their team and they frequently give a little time to informal "private matters" chats near the water cooler or in the elevator.

Groovy Leaders always have time to talk to a team member about any matter that concerns the worried person. They rarely suggest solutions but rather ask the team member to look for their own answer by asking questions like, "what do you think?" because they know that the answers that we create ourselves are always easier to act upon than other people's ideas of what we should do.

Groovy Leaders lead highly productive teams of enthusiastic people who grow organisations.

* * *

Are you a Grumpy Commander or a Groovy Leader?

What feedback have you received that tells you what type of leader you are?

What steps are you taking to become the most Groovy Leader in your organisation?

# 17 How To Manage a Difficult Boss

"War is destructive - peace is productive." This is one of the basic tenets of Feeling Groovy. As a result I believe that one should make every effort to never go to war with one's boss. Yes, I do know that bosses can be exceedingly annoying; they can be the cause of much upset and sometimes they can even be downright unfair. During the twenty odd years I spent in the corporate world I worked with a few of the best, with many very modest bosses and also two of the very worst that can be imagined. However, I still believe that one should always seek to develop a boss management strategy designed to build a solid and productive working relationship. This must be in the best long term interests of your career.

Your aim should be: to be respected and liked for your talents and your ability to deliver agreed outcomes on time and on budget.

To achieve this goal you should always: listen carefully, ask questions to clarify what is required and you should contribute ideas to strategy discussions. Your demeanour should always be thoughtful, cheerful, enthusiastic and caring.

Even if your boss is someone whom you would not normally include in your circle of friends it is recommended that you strive to develop a friendly relationship. Developing such a relationship will greatly oil the wheels of your everyday communications.

Please note that I am not suggesting for a moment that you behave in a way that is subservient, or that you "brownnose' in order to curry favour with your boss. It is essential that you are always your own person and that you behave in ways that are true to your beliefs and your persona.

When you find yourself in a situation where your relationship with your boss is not working you need to be realistic about the situation. He/she is the one sitting in the power seat. The boss has the ear of the boss above them, which you probably do not. They have been put in their position because someone higher up the food chain believes them to be competent. They have a strong hand to play in any struggle that you might wish to initiate. Your hand is nothing like as strong. You are unlikely to win a war with your boss.

If reading the previous paragraph made your hackles rise with indignation and you still feel like the victim of a great injustice I suggest that you examine your feelings with great care.

There are many reasons why people come to feel that their boss is treating them unfairly or thoughtlessly. It is not my intention to catalogue all of the potential reasons why bosses become dragons but rather to focus on what you can do when your boss becomes your worst nightmare.

When you find yourself starting to mutter to yourself about your boss or perhaps complaining to anyone who will listen about the way your are being treated, it is time to take action.

Do not allow the tension and sense of victimisation to build up inside of you. However much you bitch and complain to yourself this will not make your situation any better. Neither will murmuring darkly to colleagues and friends improve your situation.

You have several potential courses of action. But before you take any action you need to decide on three points:

1. Is your grievance real or is it imagined? Is it really important or just something trivial that you have blown up by chuntering too much within the confines of your mind?

2. What do you want to achieve by taking action?

3. What action you are going to take.

Let's deal with the first point, "is your grievance real?" It can happen that because we dislike or do not respect our boss we invent grievances in order to make ourselves feel that we are "right." It can also happen that something that upsets us is of a temporary nature and the feeling of being wronged will diminish with the passage of time. You need to be certain about your grievance because if you proceed against your boss you could create a very powerful enemy which could have long-term consequences for your career and your earnings.

However, if your grievance is real: perhaps you are repeatedly being treated with a lack of respect, or you are being given insufficiently detailed briefs, or you are being given too little information, or the performance feedback you are being given is damning without any detail or examples. There can be many different reasons for real grievances, but once you have decided that you have a real grievance you need to decide what you want to achieve as a result of your action.

Do you want your boss to be disciplined?

Do you want to negotiate an exit package for yourself?

Do you want to move away to another department?

Do you want to improve your relationship with your boss?

Do you want to find a way to use the situation to the long term benefit of your career?

Before you make a final decision it will be wise to contact your HR department or your mentor and have an informal chat about your situation. Whilst you're waiting for this appointment you will have a useful cooling off period.

When you meet with HR or your mentor your purpose should be to rationalise your situation. You need to be able to position your grievance in a way that sounds sensible, logical and mature rather than just the ranting of an upset, childish person. Getting the perspective of another human being will help you to be clear about your grievance. Clarity will provide a good base from which to develop your strategy for moving forward. It may well be that at this stage you decide to not take the matter any further.

However you may decide that you do want to take matters further - to do something to improve your situation and your sense of wellbeing.

My first suggestion is that you try to improve your relationship with your boss. You should bear in mind that he or she is probably also under pressure and that their main interest should be to get results. If you can help them to get what they want the likelihood is that your relationship will improve. An important reason why this is my first suggestion is that at some time in the future you may be in the same position as that currently being experienced by your boss when you find yourself with a recalcitrant assistant. The experience of having been in the same situation as your assistant could prove invaluable. Another reason why this is the first strategy that you should attempt is that it is always good to have friends in high places.

You need information as to why your relationship has gone sour and the only way to get this is to ask questions. This will require courage, but there is no other way if you wish to remain in your present job. First you should get time in your boss's diary. When you meet, state as calmly as possible, that you are unhappy. Then ask, "In what way am I failing to live up to your expectations?" You need to know what you have to do to improve the situation. When you get some guidance from your boss you should determine to act upon it and to provide your boss with feedback to show that you are doing what was agreed.

Sometimes the whole situation can become emotionally charged which makes it impossible to obtain rational answers to your questions, but most of the time people want to mend fences and reach workable solutions. You may need someone from HR or your mentor to act as a moderator in your meeting with your boss, but you must sort the situation out because if you do not do so it will only get worse.

You should bear in mind that recruiting someone else to fill your position is a lengthy, expensive and time-consuming business that no-one wants to get involved with. For this reason it is in everyone's interest to find a solution.

Before you do anything else you should always bear in mind that "war is destructive - peace is productive." Do everything possible to prevent a war with your boss. Do everything possible to create a peaceful and productive environment. Your concern should always be to make every effort to build a rewarding career. To this end your main focus should be to build a reputation for being knowelegeable, enthusiastic, practical, likeable and productive. Build your self image on those five pillars.

* * *

P.S.

Whenever you start a new job you should make a point of getting to know and like your new boss. I don't mean that you should become a toady and brownnose your way into their affections, but I do mean that it makes sense to have a good relationship with the person who can make your life good or bad and who holds an important key to your future success and wellbeing. That said the difficult boss is unfortunately all too common. Corporate focus on profit and scarcity of time often cause leaders to take short cuts and thereby give insufficient attention to the needs of their team members.

# 18 Your Body Broadcasts Your Mood

When you see a teenager with his head bent forward from his neck, his eyes staring at his toes, hands deep in pockets, shoulders hunched and feet dragging disconsolately, he is letting you know that he doesn't want to be disturbed. You know exactly what he is telling you.

When a ten year old bounces towards you with a big smile on her face, arms spread wide for a hug, she is letting you know that she is pleased to see you.

When a football fan leaps to his feet, raises both arms in the air and lets out a primitive tribal yell, you know that his team has just scored, he is telling the world he feels elated.

When a young lady smiles lightly, lowers her eyelids and tilts her head a little to one side, you know she is looking "coy." She is pleased as punch but doesn't want to tell you just how pleased she really feels.

You can easily read all the body language mentioned above because you are a primate. The quality of your life depends on your ability to read the unspoken body language of other members of the human tribe.

Let's think a little deeper about this question of body language. You are an expert at reading the body language of other humans. However, when you want to broadcast how you feel, how do you know what to do? The likelihood is that you have learned to read body language and then you have mastered the art of copying what everyone else does. What this means is that when you feel a certain way you recall from your memory all the movements that your body needs to make in order to tell other people, "this is the way I am feeling."

This means that your memory can relate feelings to body language. It can also relate body language to feelings. What is cool about this is that it means that any time you want to tell the world how you feel you simply have to ask your memory to give your body the instructions as to how to act out the feeling you want to broadcast. Then, bingo, everyone knows how you feel. However, as your body acts out the feeling you want to broadcast, guess what happens, that feeling wells up inside of you.

By stamping your feet, waving your arms around and shouting, you can make yourself feel angry. By holding your body upright, walking energetically and smiling broadly, you can make yourself feel happy.

The more you hold yourself upright, walk energetically and smile broadly the happier you will feel. That is the practice of people who want to Feel Groovy. The more you use this body language the better you will feel and the happier your life will be.

If you are not yet a naturally happy person you might find that when you first start to generate happy feelings by using body language you discover that you have an internal resistance to such behaviour. This is only natural, you are doing something that is not your normal behaviour. Acting happy is not the persona you have always previously broadcast to the world. Now, when you start to "act happy" something inside of you tells you that it is not right, it is not who you really are. Don't listen to this voice of dissent. You can make yourself any way that you want to be. It is your choice, your life. If you want to go on being miserable that's OK. However, you will find that life is much more enjoyable, a lot more fun and you will have many more friends when you practice broadcasting happiness.

* * *

Have you tried using body language to create feelings within yourself yet?

Are you practicing holding yourself upright, walking energetically and smiling broadly?

# 19 What's Your Story?

We all have a life story. This is usually more like a book of short stories that describe events that have taken place during your lifetime.

When you tell your stories do you focus on the positive aspects of each story or the negative ones?

Let's take a look at the way you create stories about your life. Imagine that someone asks you: "Where did you go to school?" That's an easy one; you just tell them the name of your school. But suppose they then ask you: "What was it like?" When you attempt to answer this question you start to tell stories and they will often include how you felt at the time. In this case you might say: "It was OK but the teaching wasn't very good, the classes were too large. Also, I got bullied because I was very tall for my age. I was unhappy there." Notice how you rationalise the fact that you were bullied by mentioning your tallness.

When you look back at your life and the ways that you tell the stories about different times in your life, you will find that you often focus on the "bad times," and when you mention these "bad times," you tend to rationalise what happened and often excuse yourself for what you think other people might perceive to be weakness.

Often it's a question of emphasis.

You may have suffered from bouts of depression or had time off work to deal with stress. Alternatively you may also have won awards or live in a beautiful place or be married to a wonderful partner. But when it comes to telling your story do you emphasise the stress or your wonderful marriage?

As I write this book two of my clients are telling me that they suffer from anxiety that is inhibiting their lives. When I started to coach them, both clients told me horror stories about what was happening in their lives. But, when I probed deeper into their lives it turned out that there was a lot of good stuff both in their past lives and in their present lives. Yes, the bad stuff was bad but a lot of it was being created by the way they were interpreting what was happening and imagining what might happen. They were focusing on the bad stuff. It's all in the way you tell your story.

You can make your life seem great or awful by the emphasis you place on aspects of your story. How are you interpreting what has happened in your life?

Listen to these two eye-witness accounts of an auto accident. One reported: "It was horrendous, there was twisted metal and blood everywhere. The driver of the red car was killed. The paramedics took forever to arrive." The other witness reported, "I couldn't believe that anyone could survive such a terrifying collision, yet three people did survive. Luckily the paramedics were quickly at the scene and were able to treat the injured even as the firemen cut through the twisted metal to release them. I was pleased that I was able to be of assistance by calling the emergency services."

You can look back at the outstanding events of your life and pick out the sad or scary bits and allow those inhibiting parts of your life story to go on influencing you forever - or you can pick out the bits that make you feel strong and proud and allow those key moments to influence the way that you think, feel and act today.

Now it's your turn: take up a pencil and paper and look back over your life:

  * Write down all the "bad things" that happened to you and how they are still impacting your life today. Leave some blank space between each item on your "bad incidents" list.

  * Write down all the "good things" that have happened to you and how they influence you today.

Now, go back to your list of "bad things" and in the blank space below each incident make a note of anything good that came out of the "bad things" that have happened to you. Ask yourself:

"What's good about that?"

For example, when I was seven years old I was sent to a boarding school where the discipline was very strict and bullying by both staff and older boys was rife. It was a very scary place for a small boy and I was fearful for much of the four years that I spent in that institution. BUT, I learned to make friends (for mutual protection), to discipline myself to obey rules, I learned to find ways to avoid trouble and I learned how to look after myself. I learned that I am a slightly above average sportsman. Also, that I am slightly below average academically. However, over the course of my life I have learned that I can invent ways to compensate for being weak academically by using my above average strength of creativity that I had to develop to avoid trouble at that school.

So what did you gain or learn from the "bad things" that have happened in your life that you can now add to your list of "good things?"

As you write your lists and suck the juice from your stories you should allow yourself to feel good about all that you have accomplished and about the way that you have overcome the bad things that have happened in your life.

Notice that, despite all the "bad things" that have happened, you are still here - you're still in the game - and you are probably stronger as a result of what you have learned by surviving and overcoming the tests that life has set for you.

You learn by conquering adversity and every victory makes you stronger.

Wow, that is groovy!

Now let's look at the good stuff that has happened to you. What are your stories here? How often do you tell the good stories about your life to yourself and others? How much attention do you pay to the positive impacts that these events have had on your life and on the lives of other people?

Everyone has hundreds of small victories in their lives. Some people even have major victories in their lives. But the accumulation of the small victories are what is most important for the likes of you and me.

Add up the number of exams you have passed. The number of work positions you have won. The number of friends you have. The number of good relationships you have had. The number of good meals you have cooked. The number of games you have won. The number of vacations you have enjoyed. The number of times you have been on time for work. The number of discussions where your point of view has prevailed. The number of times you have travelled and arrived safely at your destination (and on time). The number of times you felt anxious but did it anyway. There is simply no end to the number of times that you have prevailed. Your success stories go on and on and on.

Write down your top ten success stories. Start by writing just one story. Enjoy seeing how wonderful you really are. Then write more stories as they come to mind. It doesn't matter how long this takes. It only matters that you recognise that you are, in fact, a strong, positive, courageous and confident person.

Then tell yourself these stories every day so that you get to know how good you really are. And you will get to feel how good you really are.

When you do this your experience of every moment is groovy.

### What would you like your story to say about you?

We're grooving on now. This is where you start to create your life the way you would like it to be.

Your imagination can create images that scare you so much that you are paralysed, too stunned to take action. But your imagination can also create future scenarios that are so desirable that they propel you to take action.

Let us now create a story for your future that is so desirable that you are compelled to take action to make your life the wonderful, groovy experience that you would love it to be.

It is best to focus on reality here rather than on dreaming. So describe how you would like to be feeling every moment of every day. Then write down what you are doing. By doing this exercise you will eventually bring into being the life you really would love to live.

* * *

Have you written your stories about the good times in your life?

Have you noticed how good you feel when you focus on the good achievements in your life?

Have you written your realistic story about how you would like your life to be?

# 20 The Power of Proud

There is something wonderful about feeling proud or chuffed or having a "Yes, I did it!" moment.

The elation of having done something that is meaningful, something that lifts the spirit, is one of the best feelings that a human being can experience.

What is it that makes you feel proud? Can you recall a moment in your life when you felt proud, when you felt your sprit uplifted?

On your timeline you should record all the occasions when you felt proud. These moments are especially valuable because you can only feel proud when you have achieved something that you consider to be worthwhile.

Here are a few reasons why you may have felt proud at some time in your life:

• a party game you organised was enjoyed by all participants.

• You passed a test or an exam.

• You won a prize.

• You got some good feedback at work or from a friend.

• You won a new client.

• You received a nice comment about your hair, a new dress, a shirt - yes, you can feel proud that you had the good taste to make these purchases.

• You cooked a nice meal that someone told you they enjoyed.

• You redecorated your room, or even your whole house.

• You created a new flower bed in your garden.

• Your dog won a prize at a show.

• Your child's good behaviour was praised.

• You stood up for yourself in an argument.

• You spoke out to express your opinion in a meeting.

• Your idea was adopted by a meeting.

There are any number of reasons why you should feel proud of yourself and they are all worth recording because they provide a really powerful underpinning for your self-belief. Proud moments tell you that you are a good person. Proud moments are testimonials to your talents. Proud moments can remind you of how well you can behave under pressure.

If you fail to use this powerful tool for reminding yourself about how good you are, you are denying yourself a valuable means of supporting your self-belief.

Pause a moment right now and cast your mind back. When was the last time that you felt really proud of yourself? What was the occasion? What happened? Who was there? What did you do that made you feel proud of yourself?

That's a good feeling, isn't it. So think of another occasion when you felt proud. Then think of another occasion. What a great person you are! Re-read the list above and recall even more occasions when you experienced that wonderful feeling of being really proud of yourself.

A word of warning - don't let your pride spill over into arrogance. It is easy when you feel really proud of yourself to let the feeling run away with you, to get the idea that you can conquer the world. When that happens you become objectionable to other people. No-one likes a big-headed show-off who boasts about their..... Always remember to remain humble. Never forget that you have also failed, you have also experienced rejection and you have felt lost.

One reason why I advocate that everyone keeps their timeline visible is that your timeline will always show you both the highs and the lows in your life - the proud moments and the humbling ones. You should focus mainly on the highs, on the times when you felt really proud. You should take the meaning from those uplifting moments in your life and use them as energy to drive you forward.

The proud moments in your life are often when you have showcased your talents to the world. Most people are only able to show off their talents if the activity is, in some way, meaningful to them and if they have worked hard to perfect their talent.

Keep on recalling moments when you have felt proud and write them down or record them in some memorable way, preferably on your timeline.

# 21 The Eightfold Path to Feeling Groovy

The Buddha recommended that we follow the Eightfold Noble Path to Nirvana. Having meditated on the Eightfold Path for many years, and having benefitted enormously from daily practice of the teaching, I have come to the realisation that you can follow a similar eightfold path to almost anything good and positive that your heart desires. I am not suggesting for a minute that I never fall off my high horse and find that I have surrendered to some base instinct which has caused me to do or say something of which I subsequently feel ashamed. What I am suggesting is that it is very helpful to keep reminding ourselves about the right path to follow in order to live a happy and rewarding life.

To follow the Eightfold Path to Feeling Groovy it is best to remind ourselves daily of the eight simple guidelines. Every time you need to reaffirm your desire to live a happy and fulfilling life you can refer back to these guidelines and refocus on Feeling Groovy.

  1. Right Understanding - see the world and everything in the world as it really is, not as you believe it to be or as you want it to be. Your personal experience of Feeling Groovy will enhance your understanding of what Feeling Groovy means and how this wonderful feeling improves the quality of your life.
  2. Right Mindfulness - is to be aware of the moment and be always focussed in the moment on thinking and doing what it takes in order to Feel Groovy.
  3. Right Intent - is to commit yourself to the path of Feeling Groovy at all times.
  4. Right Effort - is to cultivate enthusiasm and a positive attitude towards Feeling Groovy and everything that it takes to generate and maintain that feeling.
  5. Right Speech - recognise the impact of the words you use and the way that you use them, both when talking to yourself and when talking with others. Be sure to always use positive and energetic language to ensure that you are always Feeling Groovy.
  6. Right Concentration - tune your mind to focus always on being positive and to Feeling Groovy.
  7. Right Action - always take an ethical approach in life and make sure to consider others and our environment in everything you do when you're Feeling Groovy. No matter what pressures and sorrows life throws your way always act as if you Feel Groovy. Acting this way will help you overcome most of life's challenges.
  8. Right Livelihood - treat all living creatures as your equal and only earn your living from ethical occupations and you will find that you are always Feeling Groovy.

It is recommended that you read, re-read and refer back to these guidelines whenever you feel the need to recreate the feeling of Groovyness or to reinforce your practice of achieving and maintaining the state of Feeling Groovy. You will find this a wonderful way of creating and reinvigorating your personal joy of life.

# 22 It's Groovy to Love

Love is helping others. If this book has helped you in any way please let others know that they also might benefit.

Please spare a moment to go to the website where you purchased this book to rate the book and write a few words saying what is now better in your life.

That's a groovy thing to do.

David

# Also by David E Ferrers

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT

Ignite Your Inner Leader

A Journey of Self-Discovery _a personal memoire_

The Free Self-Help Handbook

How To Break Free and Be Happy

All these books are all available free from

Smashwords.com

Apple iBooks

Barnes & Noble - Nook

Kobo

and all reputable ebook distributors

* * *

NOVELS:

The Hero of Hastings

The Privateer

Annie's Gift - with David Norton

# Acknowledgments

Many people have played a part in my journey. They have helped me to develop and grow as a human being and I would like to pay tribute to the help they have afforded to me. They are:

Sally Walliker who has been my loyal and supportive wife and friend for half a century.

P. Coulson the English teacher who motivated me to become a reader and opened for me the door to learning.

Gavin Coxen, Ant Stevens, Chris Norton and Alex Jacob who taught me the value of friendship.

Simon Scantlebury who introduced me to coaching and showed me how to do it.

The many clients who have helped me to become a better coach by forcing me to think harder, learn more and ask better questions, including: Lucian Hudson, Dan Olley, Jane Sutton, Matt Bye, Bob Stark, Jamie Smith-Thompson, Andy Proyer and Jo-Ann Gosine.

These teachers have influenced me greatly: Richard Bandler, Eugen Herrigel, Tim Gallwey, Viktor Frankl, Gene Early, Mildred Newman, Bernard Berkowitz, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, Milton H. Erickson, Ben Hogan, Matthieu Ricard, Sir Ken Robinson, Eckhart Tolle, Sir John Whitmore, Sue Knight, Norman Vincent Peale, Maxwell Maltz, Leo Burnett, Matthew Syed, Hugo M. Enomiya-Lassalle and Joko Beck.
