 
## LOYALTY & RESPECT

# Tania's Story

# By

# Drea Delgado

Authored by

Drea Delgado

authordreadelgado@gmail.com

Published By

K.T.L Publications

ktlpublications@drwinternationalllc.com

Cover Designed By

Designs By Tea

www.designsbytea.com

Copyright © 2014 Drea Delgado

All rights reserved

All rights are reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the author. The scanning, uploading and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law.

The following is a complete work of fiction. Any and all characters, situations, names, locations and events contained within this novel are used fictitiously are the invention of the author. Any type of resemblance to individuals – dead or alive, locations, events or names is strictly coincidental and is only included to give this work of fiction a sense of reality.

# PROLOGUE

"Nico? I need you to go to the store for me" I said as I put my hands on my ample hips and looked at my husband. He gave me that look. You know that look that men give you. Especially when they just settled in to watch some football game or something and you ask them to do something. "Can it wait till halftime?" he asked. "I'm sure it could, but dinner would be what an hour or so late" I responded. "What are we having for dinner? Whatever you need me to go to the store and get for you must be really important" he said as he stretched his long legs out.

"I need some rice. I forgot to get some yesterday. I'm making your favorite" I said smiling at him. He sat forward in his favorite chair and looked at me like he was thinking about something. It must have hit him what I was making for dinner because a smile came over his face. He started slipping his shoes on. He could never resist my smile. Well that and something else. But I had to finish dinner, if he acted like I wanted him to then maybe later on we could get into something later on.

"Okay. I'll go. Do you need a big bag or a little bag?" he asked as he walked up to me. That man still had that same walk after all these years. It was full of swag. That man just knew that he was the shit and he was. In so many ways. Nico was that type of man that would walk into your life and fuck it up like an F-5 tornado, have fun doing it and walk away like nothing happened. He was wild. You never really knew what to expect out of him. After being with him for a few years, I learned to just let that man be. If he was in a good mood, everything was good. But if he was in a bad mood, then you needed to stay out of his way and just wait till he came around. If he walked in the bedroom and was in a bad mood then you just either laid there or sat there and waited for him to say something to you that let you know that he was in a better mood. And if there was one thing that could get that man in a good mood if he was pissed off about something, it was sex or some good head. Both of those always made the problems go away.

Nico's angry sex was some of the best sex we had. He would have your ass in so many damn positions and just hitting it so damn good and hard, that he had your ass speaking in tongues. After all these damn years, the sex was still amazing. I think it was better now because we didn't have to worry about me getting pregnant. I had taken care of that many years ago. My baby making days were over. I was slowly but surely making the transition to getting ready to become a grandmother. I wasn't rushing it, but I would be ready when it happened.

That was my man though. All mine. After all these damn years I finally had that man to myself. I think the females took notice that I wasn't one to fuck with, when I walked into that strip club that he used to own and started smacking a few bitches up for crossing that line with him. I also made him sell that club. I walked right up to him in his office here at the house and told him that it was either me and the kids or that club. He didn't need to be around all of that temptation. There were some bad bitches in that club and it was only a matter of time before Nico stuck his dick in one of them. It didn't take long for many females to get his attention. Especially Kim's ass. I hated that chick with a passion. She smiled in my face, but was fucking my man behind my back. I don't know how many times they slept together, but I told Nico if he slept with her again that I would cut his dick off, kill him and then take all of his fuckin money and leave with his kids. He just stood there and looking at me and knew that I was serious. He couldn't even say nothing. Maybe it was the fact that I had a knife in my hand while I said it.

When he became 100% mine, I saw an entirely new Nico. That man was sweet as ever. Flowers for no reason. I would be in one part of our huge house and he'd be in another and he'd call me and say "I just wanted to tell you that I love you and miss you". That would always put a smile on my face and I would have to go and find him and thank him in that special way.

"Better get a big bag. I can separate it into smaller bags. It's just us, Savannah, Aiden and the twins tonight" I said leaning up against the counter. "Okay. Need anything else?" he asked grabbing his keys. "No. I'm good. I think" I said looking around. I could hear him laugh because he knew that I was going to end up calling him while he was at the store and telling him some more stuff to get.

"Yeah. You are good. Really good!!" he said walking up to me. I looked up at him as he got right up on me with that look on his face. "Oh you freak!! Get away from me" I said trying to push him away from me. "Don't push me away Tania. Come here" he said as he grabbed me around the waist and pulled me up to him and I felt it. I felt that thing I loved so much about him. That dick of his. That dangerous dick of his.

"Umm...are you going to go to the store or are you trying to fool around?" I said looking up at him. "I know you aren't going to ask me which one I want to do. You already know the answer to that question" he said as he leaned down and kissed me. It was one of Nico's infamous kisses. The one where you knew that he was probably going to pull you into some room or something and handle his business.

Nico had one hand on my waist and the other behind my neck pulling me into him. I wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled back for a minute. "Where are the kids?" he asked. "At your mom's house. She's dropping them off at 4pm" I said looking up at him. He looked at his watch. "Good, we got two hours before they get here. What I need to do can be done in an hour. Gives us plenty of time" he said smiling at me.

"Oh yeah? Plenty of time for what?" I said smiling. Knowing damn well what he meant. He gave me another kiss and let me know exactly what he meant.

"Come on!! The quicker we got to it the better" he said pulling me up the back stairs and into our bedroom. We didn't even bother closing the door because nobody was here with us. He picked me up and started walking towards the bed. I had my arms and legs wrapped around him.

Nico laid me down on the bed gently. He didn't waste any time as he started taking my clothes off and kissing every inch of skin he revealed. That man was just magical. Those hands, his mouth and that dick of his never disappointed. I guess that is why I was still in love with that man after all these years. Well part of the reason. Despite the shit he took me through, Nico really was a good man.

Nico was a great provider. He was the perfect father. His kids didn't fear him, they respected him. As long as they did what was expected out of them, then he was easy to get along with. The minute they got out of line he quickly put them in their place. He didn't let what he did or how much money he had determine his kid's futures. Most hustlers or former hustlers let their kids live off the money for the rest of their lives. But not Nico. It was a requirement that his children go to college. And mostly all of his kids did follow that rule. He had a rule that if you still wanted his financial support after you turned eighteen then you needed to go to college. He had trust funds set up for all his kids. The day that they graduated from high school Nico surprised them with access to millions of dollars. He told them to use it responsibly and they all did. All of his kids that graduated from high school went to college, all except Jaiden. What that boy did was shocking.

It actually caused a riff in our entire family. Nico confessed to me that Christina didn't die, but had been in hiding for about two or three years after her house was blown up. He said he got a call from her out of the blue one day and he went to see it for himself. Christina really was in fear of her life so she asked Nico for his help and he provided it. When I found out, I went the fuck off. I was definitely going to divorce his ass when I found out what he was doing. Smoke never told me if she was in that house or not. I just assumed that she was because the bodies that were found were charred beyond recognition. They couldn't even do dental exams on them. I smiled when I heard that. But I wasn't smiling when I found out that Christina's ass was still alive, but that's another story for another day. My ass was thinking about that shit a bit too hard and Nico noticed it because I wasn't moaning or squirming on the bed.

He looked up at me from where he was and saw that look on my face. A smirk came over his face as he lowered his head again. Nico knew just what to do to get me. He went right for that clit and began sucking on it hard. That first spark went through me and I let out a moan. Nico looked up at me and knew that I was focused on him now. So he handled his business.

Nico had my legs pushed all the way back and was sucking the shit out of my pussy. Nico had some serious head game. That tongue of his knew how to do it just right. Knew right where to go to give me the most pleasure.

"Oh fuck!" I yelled out. I was getting ready to cum already. Nico knew exactly what he was doing to me. I started to have a big ass orgasm when I heard a zipper. I knew that he was getting ready to fuck me and I couldn't wait. I just loved screwing my husband. I pushed him back and situated myself on the bed so that we could get started. I looked over at the alarm clock on his nightstand and saw that thirty minutes had passed.

"We don't have much time Nico" I said out of breath. I wear my pussy was throbbing just waiting on him to handle his business. He got off the bed and pulled off his shirt. I really didn't need him to do that. I wanted that dick right now. We could get naked later. I just wanted a quickie before the kids came back home.

I watched my husband get undressed. I loved that man to death. I was so fuckin lucky that he walked into my life and saved me when he did. I honestly did not know where I would be right now if I had never met him. Probably would have ended just like my mother. I often thought about her. Especially after I became a mother. I always thought she would get herself together, but I guess the drugs proved to be a bit too much for her. There was part of me that missed her like crazy. I never really knew what happened to her. Nico said that he "got rid of her". Since she never resurfaced after I told him to kill her, I figured that he had done just that. I only asked about her once and he told me "She's gone". I never asked for details. I really didn't care.

"Hey baby girl. What's on your mind?" he said scaring the shit out of me. I snapped to it and looked at him. Nico was hovering right over me. "What's wrong baby?" he asked. "Nothing. I was just thinking about something" I said smiling up at him. "I hope you were thinking about me and what I'm about to do to you" he said as he leaned down and kissed me. It wasn't really about him, but I didn't want him to think he couldn't hold my attention.

I just wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close to me. We laid there and kissed for a few minutes before he pulled back. Nico slid between my legs and grabbed himself. I opened my legs nice and wide for him. Nico slowly entered me and we both moaned. I didn't even wait for Nico as I started fucking him just as hard as he ever fucked me.

"Hey slow up baby girl. We got time" he said kissing me. "No we don't. We have to fuck, then both get cleaned up, you have to go to the store and get the rice, bring it back and then I have to cook it. We have to be quick at this" I said kissing him.

"Mmmmm, if we go fast now...can we go slow later?" he asked as he started to slide into me. "Yes" I moaned. "Good. Turn over. If this needs to be quick, I got to hit it a certain way" he said kissing me on my neck and pulling out of me. Nico waited while I turned over and got up on my hand and knees. He wasted no time putting me into his favorite position. Face down, ass up. He held me down by the back of my neck as he slid into me causing me to moan loudly. I started throwing it back at him and he was giving it right back.

Nico and I were like wild animals in our bedroom as we fucked the shit out of each other. That's how it got sometimes. It got loud, rough and wild. Nobody could quite fuck each other like we good. That was my man and I was his woman. We loved each other in a way that nobody would understand. We worked for each other and that was all that mattered.

Nico and I came about five minutes later. Both of us were quick when we were short on time. I laid down on the bed while Nico kissed me on my back. "Mmmm, baby that feels so good" I moaned. Nico's kisses were going down my back and he almost got to my ass when I stopped him. I turned and looked at him. "What are you doing?" I asked. "Trying to get you amped up for later on tonight. I want that hot kinky sex later on" he said as he nipped me on the ass.

"Nico" I yelped as I sat up. "Awww, don't be like that baby girl. You like it" he said as he gave me a kiss. We were getting ready to go for round two when the phone started ringing. He lifted his head up and looked at it, hoping that it would stop ringing. When it didn't he reached over and answered it.

"Hello?" he said as he looked over my body and smiled. I winked and smiled back at him. "Hey baby. I'm making my way back to your house. I should be there in about forty five minutes" Esmerelda said. "Okay mama. I'll see you then" he said. They talked for a few minute before hanging up.

"We got to cut this short baby girl. I got to get to the store" he said giving me a kiss. We got up and got ourselves together. About twenty minute later he left to go to the store. I walked downstairs to check on dinner. Perfect!! Not burnt at all. I tasted it and it was so good. I was making my babies favorite. Bistec Enceballado. He loved that shit. Now I had to admit when I first started making it, I wasn't that good at it. It had to be done a certain way. After fucking it a few time, he actually told me to stop making it until I could do it right.

One day he taught me how to make it step by step and I got it right. I surprised him for his birthday one time and made it so good that he damn near bust a nut when he took that first bite. I had to laugh at him. He's had me make it once a week since then and always rewarded me in the bedroom later on.

Later that night we were eating dinner with our kids. As I sat there and looked at my family, I couldn't have been more proud and satisfied. I had come so far. It was crazy because I had been with Nico for almost twenty five years. It was a crazy twenty five years. The day before I met his crazy ass I thought my life was over. My mother had beaten me so bad for going into the fridge the night before that had no food at all. I surely thought she was going to kill me.

I was truly thankful for Nico coming into my life. It might not have been perfect at the beginning, but it was better than what I had come from. At least I had a roof over my head and was eating on a regular basis. Nico treated me good, better than my mom. Now I know what you are saying. What about the cheating, the outside kids and the abuse? Some part of me felt responsible for that.

Nico was a complicated man and I wasn't the type of woman that he needed in the beginning so he strayed and had numerous affairs and kids. I didn't always handle it the best way. I would cheat on him to get revenge and even hit on him. Nico and I were a volatile couple. When one of us hit, the other hit back. And that led to more cheating and disrespect. It got crazy. But I can honestly say that we had been going strong for a good two years now. No outside kids popped up, which meant there either wasn't anymore or he finally learned how to hide them little bastards.

No more crazy ass women popped up. In the morning he got up, showered, got breakfast ready, got the kids ready for school and made the rounds at his clubs to make sure things were straight. Once he was done handling business he came straight home. He only had a few friends that he hung out with and they were cool. The crazy thing was he actually brought them to me and asked me what I thought of them. He would later tell me that he wanted my approval, that if I didn't like them then he wouldn't associate with them. I thought that was crazy, but he told me that he wanted to make me happy.

My jealous ass had to check out the wives or girlfriends too. Two thumbs up. None of them were Nico's type. After all these years I knew my husband. He had a type. I was his type. Those bitches Marisol and Gabriela were his type. These men had some ugly ass wives, so I was confident that I didn't have to worry about anything. Nico didn't do ugly bitches. He had a standard. As crazy as that was. Plus Nico knew I would get his ass financially if he cheated. We actually signed a pre-nuptial agreement before we got married the last time. If the marriage broke up because he cheated, I would get half of all his assets and Nico was worth almost a quarter of a billion dollars. However, if the marriage broke up because I cheated I wouldn't get a damn thing. Just enough to take care of the kids and that was it. But I wasn't going anywhere. I loved my man and he loved me. We were both happy and in love and nothing could break us apart.

Later that night I was laying in the bed after taking a long hot bubble bath. Nico actually had one waiting on me while he was downstairs cleaning up the kitchen. He and the kids decided to make homemade brownies and fucked up my kitchen, so it was on him to clean it up. They had chocolate everywhere, including the ceiling. I was still trying to figure that one out.

I was laying down in the bed enjoying the nice breeze that was coming in through the patio doors in our bedroom when he walked in. I had on a short little red nightie that he got me for our anniversary. It came with a pair of panties, but I didn't have those damn thing on. For what? When he saw me in what I was wearing they weren't going to stay on for long anyway. So why waste the time and effort to put them on?

"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" he said smiling as he closed the door behind him. "A little thank you present" I said turning over on my side and looking at him. "Oh yeah? For what?" he said walking over to the bed and kissing me.

"For being my husband, loving me and protecting me. For giving me all those wonderful kids. For being my provider and protector" I said kissing him. Nico laid down next to me and held me in his strong arms while he kissed me.

I loved that man to death. I had no idea where I would be without him in my life. My life started off fucked up. It is truly a miracle that I survived.

# CHAPTER 1

#

My mother Sandra Hawkins was walking down the street in the middle of a brutal Chicago winter. It wasn't just any ordinary walk. This was the walk of a woman or shall I say a young girl on a mission. She was just released from Cook County Jail where she spent the last two months fighting a solicitation case. My mother had gone up to an undercover officer and solicited him for sex. As soon as she saw who the officer was she knew that she was going back to jail. It was that damn Deputy Santos. He was always locking her up. Why couldn't he just leave her alone? My mother didn't see prostitution as a crime. She wasn't hurting anybody. She was taking care of herself the only way that she knew how and that was by selling some pussy.

She had been doing that for the past year. My mother had a habit to feed and prostitution was the only way she could feed it. That habit was heroin. It only took one time and she was hooked. She got high every single day. She turned the corner onto Western Avenue when she ran dead smack into Deputy Santos again.

"Come the fuck on man. You again?" she said. "Sandra. Haven't seen you on the streets in a few days. What have you been up to?" he asked. "What have I been up to? You want to know what I been up to? I spent the last two fuckin months in that shithole county jail because you keep locking me up for doing nothing. That's where the fuck I been at" she snapped. Victor looked at her crazy. "If you hadn't been doing anything illegal I would not have had to lock you up" he said.

"Why don't you just leave me alone? Why do you keep coming after me? I'm not doing anything to hurt you" she said. "Doesn't matter. It's illegal. I'm a deputy. If we are on a sting then I am going to arrest you. Besides you shouldn't be doing that anyway. You got a life ahead of you. You are young. Find something else to do" he said. My father Victor had been a member of the Cook County Sherriff's Department for over twenty years and he saw a lot of shit. He knew criminals from people who had simply lost their way and Sandra was one of them.

He didn't know her situation or background. He tried to get it out of my mother on numerous occasions but she would always cuss him out. He would just laugh and slap handcuffs on her before sending her off to lockup. It would piss him off when he would see her out doing her thing the very next day.

"You want me to find something else to do? Are you fuckin serious? What kinda fuckin job am I going to get? White people aint hiring no nigga. I don't have a high school diploma, all I know how to do is fuck. That's what I'm good at so that's what I'm going to do until the day I die" she said. Victor just looked at my mom and shook his head.

"Can I go? I need to go and get something to eat. I refused to eat that shit in the count. Green ass bologna. Hard mutherfuckin bread. They gonna fuck around and kill somebody with that shit one of these damn days" she said as she folded her arms and looked away from him.

"Come on and grab something to eat with me. We need to talk" he said. "Talk? About what? Unless you are about to give me money then we aint got shit to talk about" she said. "If you don't come in here with me then I'm going to lock your ass up again and I'll make sure your ass stays in there. Let's go" he said walking towards this restaurant. My mother looked at him before following him into Miss Muffet's restaurant.

Victor sat down in a booth and my mother sat across from him. She still had her little attitude going on and didn't say anything when the waitress asked her what she wanted. "Get her some pancakes, bacon, eggs and toast. Orange Juice. And get me the special with coffee" he said looking over at my mother. I never knew it until my father told me years later that this was their very first date.

Sandra just stared at Victor. "Who told you to order for me?" she asked. "Nobody. You just look like you need to eat. A good meal never hurt nobody" he said smiling. "Yeah whatever" she said sitting back.

"How old are you Sandra?" he asked. "How old do you think I am? You saw my id. Fuck you asking me that shit for?" she said. "I know what your id says, but you forget what I do for a living. You all never show your real ids. How do I even know your name is really Sandra?" he asked. "What the fuck do you care for? Why is what my name is so goddamn important to you?" she screamed at him causing people around them to look at them.

"Listen, despite what I do for a living I do care about people. I don't do this to just lock people up. Contrary to what people believe I don't get a joy out of it. If you are doing wrong, then as a sworn deputy I have to arrest you. I know when people are in a situation and need a little bit of help. You definitely need some help. You know the department does have an inpatient program" he said. "Inpatient? Hah. Yeah okay. I don't have a problem. Do I get high? You damn right I do. But aint nothing wrong with me. I'm fine. I can function" she said.

"No you can't. I can tell. Look how you are rubbing your arms. You aint been out an hour probably and you already want to get high again. How long were you locked up?" he asked. "Two months" she replied as she stopped rubbing her arms. "And I know you didn't get high on the inside. You were clean for two months. I know how hard it must have been for you to go through withdrawal. But you got through it. You were clean for two whole months. Didn't it feel good?" he asked.

She nodded her head up and down. My mother had to admit that she did feel so much better. When she was on heroin she just did not feel good at all, she felt sick and irritable. She barely even ate. Since being locked up she felt so much better. She even put on some weight, which Victor noticed.

My mother wasn't an ugly person at all. She was quite beautiful. She had this long flowing hair and this pretty almond colored skin tone. She even had green eyes.

"If you need help staying clean. I can get you that help. You shouldn't be on drugs. Drugs will lead you nowhere but death and in prison. Not jail, but prison. You think the county was hard? That aint shit compared to prison. Now is your chance to stay straight and get your life together. You can do it. You just want to do it" he said. My mother sat back. She really did hate getting high.

"I don't want to go to rehab. I can do it at home" she said. "That's not a wise thing to do. You need to be away from the drugs. Going back to that apartment you live in is not a good thing to do" he said. "I don't want to go to rehab. I'm strong enough to do it on my own. I could have copped right outside the county jail. Yall have no idea about the area around the county. Anything you want you can get it out there. I could have easily sold some pussy and got high, but I didn't" she said.

He just sat there and stared at her. He never could understand why people wanted to damage their bodies and constantly get in trouble over and over again. Victor just sat back and sipped on his coffee. Sometimes he could help a person and sometimes he couldn't. This definitely seemed like a time where he wasn't going to be able to help her. They sat there at the table and ate in silence. Once they were done, Sandra just stared at him. She had important things to do and wasn't sure if he was going to let her go.

"Can I leave now? I would like to go home and shower and rest" she said. He just looked at her before waving his hand dismissing her. My mother got up and left, hauling ass.

Not even three hours later she was back out on the streets doing what she knew best. It was still cold as fuck, but at least there wasn't any snow on the ground. A black car pulled up and the window slowly rolled down. Sandra peeked into the car from where she was standing.

"How you doing baby? Looking for some fun?" she asked. "Yeah. Why don't you hop on in and get warm? It's a little nippy out there isn't it?" the man asked. Sandra peeped in and saw that it was a white guy. She laughed to herself. "This should be easy. All white tricks cum quick" she said to herself. "Yeah it is. What are you looking for?" she asked. "A little bit of everything. I can pay very well for it" he said as he flashed her a wad of bills. Sandra's eyes got bright. She could do a lot with that. She just had to get her hands on it.

"Come on in" he said smiling. Sandra smiled back and got into the car. "If you turn the corner right there. There's a nice hotel we could go to" she said. "I'd prefer going to a place that I know. You know...just safety reasons. It's much more comfortable. Don't worry, you will like it" he said smiling. Sandra smiled back at him. She didn't have the slightest idea what she was about to get herself into.

# CHAPTER 2

Sandra sat back as this man drove to some hotel out in Harvey. She was nervous, but came here to handle business. Once they got into the room he sat on the bed and started to get undressed. Something wasn't ringing right with her and she started to have second thoughts. Once he was fully naked he stood up and walked over to her. She backed into the wall.

"What are you scared for? I'm not going to hurt you" he said as he grabbed himself and started to play with himself. "I...I...I have to check in with my pimp. If I don't he will get mad and beat me" she said as she moved into a corner.

"Don't lie to me. I don't like being lied to. I know you. I know who you are. I've been watching you. You went away for awhile. I sat in my car day in and day out waiting for you. You finally showed up tonight and I decided it was time to make my move. You don't have a pimp. Nobody controls you. You are out here on your own. You need to be protected" he said as walked in front of her.

"Where have you been? You had me worried sick about you. You have been a bad girl. A very bad girl. You need to be punished" he said. Sandra noticed that this man had a very demented look in his eyes. "I need to go. I don't want to do this" she said. "You don't have a damn choice. You are here now. I paid for this room. You had me looking for you. You owe me. Now come here" he said as he grabbed her shirt. It was so old and worn that it instantly ripped. "No. Just let me go. Please" she said.

Her begging enraged the man so much that he grabbed her by her shoulder length hair and dragged her to the bed where he began to rape and sodomize her. This man continued to do this for hours before he finally fell asleep.

Sandra sat in a corner shaking and crying silently. While raping and sodomizing her this man also beat her. She looked over and saw that his wallet was laying on the floor. She quietly crawled over to it and started searching through it, finding his driver's license. Robert Moore. She remembered that name and his address. Looking around she saw his pants and remembered that he stuffed the money in there. Very quietly Sandra searched his pants until she came across the money. She pulled her hand out and looked down at it. There had to be at least a thousand dollars in her hand.

Sandra quietly got dressed and walked to the door. She turned around and looked at the man who violated her tonight. Sandra had been a prostitute for well over five years now, but this was the first time that something like this happened to her. She knew that it happened to other women but it had never happened to her. She didn't even know what to do about it. She put her hand on the doorknob and slowly turned it while looking back at the man. He was starting to stir. It was now or never. She either got her ass out of there safely or dealt with this man again for God knows how long, so she hauled ass. He must have woke up because she heard him screaming at her to get back in the room. Sandra just ran until she bumped into someone and that was when she started to lose it. She started screaming and crying while looking behind her before she finally passed out.

A few hours later she woke up in the hospital. Sandra noticed that she was strapped down to the bed. She looked around and tried to find her clothes so that she could get out of here. The door opened and Deputy Santos walked in. "Well, look who finally decided to wake up" he said smiling. "What am I doing here?" she asked. He was quiet before he began to speak.

"I was coming out of a restaurant, grabbing some dinner before heading home for the night and you bumped into me. You were running from someone, screaming and crying. Then you passed out. You were taken here. They did an exam. Sandra were you out on the streets again?" he asked. She looked away from him.

"Sandra!! You told me that you were going home to shower and rest. You are out here getting high again?" he yelled at her. "I wasn't getting high" she said. "Not yet. But if you were out doing what I think you were doing getting high couldn't have been that far off" he said. Sandra rolled her eyes and turned over on her side with her back to him.

"The hospital did an exam on you. They know that you have been assaulted. Do you want to press charges?" he asked. She didn't say anything. "Sandra...if he did this to you he's probably done it to other girls. You need to report him. Do you want someone else to be hurt?" he asked. She still didn't say anything. He just shook his head and left out of the hospital room.

Later that night Sandra got her clothes and left out of the hospital without being noticed. She went to Leon's and got herself something to eat before going home. For some reason she slipped into a deep, dark depression and cried. Although she said she wanted to take a break from getting high, she now wanted to get high as hell. She put her shoes on and went to the back of the building to cop. Sandra couldn't get upstairs fast enough, so she sat in the stairway and shot up an entire bag.

The minute the heroin entered her bloodstream she leaned over against the wall before passing out. A few hours later she woke up and saw that she was in the stairway. She picked up her needle and stumbled to her apartment where she laid out on the bed. For the next few weeks it was more of the same. Going out and copping heroin. Sandra went downhill fast. She now looked worse than she did weeks ago. Deputy Santos would see her out on the streets just wondering around. He wanted to help her by arresting her but unless he caught her doing something illegal there was nothing he could do. But that all changed one day.

Victor was sitting in a briefing meeting. Some people in the community had begun complaining about the illegal activities that were going on in the area and wanted something done about it. The Sherriff's department was taking a lot of heat from the community and press about doing nothing about what was going on. They were getting ready to do a major crackdown on the drugs and prostitution that was happening. Victor hadn't seen Sandra in about a week but he was about to run into her.

Over the course of the next six hours the Cook County Sherriff's dropped a hammer on Chicago. They arrested hundreds of drug dealers, prostitutes and people with warrants. The county jail was quickly filling up with low life after low life.

Victor was at one drug house with a group of his co-workers putting handcuffs on one guy who had at least five outstanding warrants. "Hey Victor. Come here for a minute" Deputy Williamson said. Victor handed the guy he just arrested off to another deputy before walking over to his partner. "What's going on?" he asked.

"This woman says she knows you. Do you know her?" he asked. Victor looked down at the woman and immediately knew who she was. "Do you know her?" Williamson asked. "Yeah. I know her. Let me talk to her for a minute" Victor said. The other deputy walked off.

"Deputy Santos. You have to help me. I can't go to jail" Sandra cried. "And why is that?" he asked. "Judge Bendowski told me if he saw me in his courtroom again that he would send me to prison. I can't do two years in prison" she said. Victor just looked her over. He knew that she had hit rock bottom. Sometimes it took a person hitting rock bottom before they got their lives together.

"Well what do you want me to do about it Sandra? I offered you help. You all but told me to go fuck myself. Were you not the one that told me you could do it on your own?" he asked. "Yes. I thought I could, but I couldn't. I need help Deputy Santos" she said. "Why should I help you now? Is it because you are about to get locked up? How do I know if I decide to help you that you won't go right back out there on the streets as soon as they let you go?" he asked. "I won't. I promise I won't. Please. You have to help me" she begged.

He exhaled. He was getting really tired of this whole thing. Tired of everything that came with the job. He had been on the job for over twenty years and for the past year had begun thinking about retiring. He could do so at any moment now. He actually had the paperwork filled out and on his desk at home. All it would take was him dropping them off at the main office. He even had it planned out down to the day. He would start using some of the four months of vacation time he had accumulated over the past few years and just stop working.

"Deputy Santos. Please. I've never asked you for anything. You have to do this for me. Please" she begged. He could see the desperation on her face and against his better judgment he decided to help her. "Okay. I'll help you. I'll take you to Cornerstone tonight" he said. "No. I don't want to do rehab. Can't I just go to your house? Can I do it there please?" she asked. "No. You will go into rehab tonight or the deal is off. If you don't go to rehab I will take you to Judge Bendowski my damn self. Do you hear me?" he said.

Figuring she had no choice she agreed to it. Deputy Santos pulled some strings and got her into Cornerstone that same night.

For the first few days it was hard. Sandra had so much heroin in her system that the withdrawals were some of the most difficult that she had ever been through. But two months after she arrived at Cornerstone she was finally feeling somewhat better and like her normal self. She was up in her room reading one day when one of the other patients came in and told her she had a visitor.

"Who is it?" Sandra asked. "I don't know. I didn't catch his name. He's some cop or something. Big Hispanic guy" she said. Sandra got up and walked downstairs to the visiting room. When she walked in she saw Deputy Santos sitting there. He wasn't in his normal outfit of jeans and a t-shirt with his bulletproof vest on. He was dressed in a polo shirt and some slacks. He actually looked decent. Sandra walked up to him and sat down in a chair across from him. A smile came over his face.

"Wow. Look at you. You look so much healthier and happy" he said. "I know. I don't think I've eaten so much food in my life as I have here" she said smiling. "How is everything going? Are you handling treatment okay?" he asked. "Yes. It was hard at first. The first few days I was literally climbing up the walls. I had so much smack in my system that it took me longer to kick than it normally should have. But I'm okay now" she said. "That's good. So you got like ten days left. Any thought of what you are going to do?" he asked. "No. I don't know what I'm going to do. Housing told me that I lost my apartment. All my stuff is gone. Clothes, furniture. Everything is gone" she said looking down.

"I know. The papers came across my desk. I tried to delay it but they didn't want to" he said. "So I have no place to go to when I get out of here?" she asked. "I'm afraid not" he said. He could see the look of disappointment on her face. "I'll have something set up for you by the time you get out of here. Don't worry about anything" he said.

They sat there and talked for an hour before he left. But not before promising to help her out when she got out of rehab. But only on the condition that she attend outpatient counseling and Narcotics Anonymous meetings. She agreed to. This was the first time in a very long time that she was clean and it felt good and she wanted to keep it going.

Getting her set up was easier said than done. He wasn't able to get her an apartment in an area that he felt comfortable with putting her end. All he could find was low budget rinky dink apartments in crime and drug infested areas. If he put her back in that it would only be a matter of time before she would be back out on the street and hooked back on drugs.

Against his better judgment he decided to let her stay in a spare bedroom he had. When he told one of his partner about it, the man thought he was crazy. He had no feelings like that towards Sandra. He only wanted to prevent her from going back out onto the streets and getting hooked again.

The day she was to be released from rehab he drove up to Cornerstone and watched as she "graduated" from the program. He was really proud of her and how far she had come in just two short months. He believed that if he could keep her on the straight and narrow then she could stay clean. He walked up to her after her ceremony.

"Congratulations. See it wasn't so bad after all was it?" he asked. "No. To be honest it wasn't. Rather you believe it or not I actually like being clean. It's hard being a drug addict and rather I want to admit it or not what I did to get the money to take care of that habit did hurt a lot of people. I can't tell you the number of homes I've destroyed" she said. All he could do was smile. "Come on. Let me take you to a celebration dinner. You have a lot to celebrate" he said smiling.

They got into his car and started making their way towards Chicago. When they got into the city he asked her where she wanted to eat and she said Shakey's. This all you can eat restaurant she had seen in passing. Victor just looked at her like she was crazy. "What?" she asked. "Are you sure you want to go to Shakey's. I mean there are other places that are a little higher bit caliber that you can choose from" he said. "I know that. But I don't want to go somewhere and know what I'm getting. You don't know what you getting at those fancy foo foo restaurants. Could be eating goat or bat or something else weird. Thanks, but no thanks" she said sitting back and enjoying the ride.

They actually had a blast at the buffet restaurant. He had only seen Sandra eat once before, but she was eating like he did. "So, where am I going to be staying?" she asked as they left the restaurant. He looked over at her. "I didn't feel comfortable putting you in places that are in your old neighborhood. Too much temptation. So you are going to be staying with me till I can find you a place in a safer neighborhood" he said.

She looked at him as he pulled onto the expressway. "Do you think that is wise?" she asked. "Yes. Why wouldn't it be?" he asked. "Your wife. He might have something to say about a black junkie whore coming to stay with you all" she said. He pulled over to the side and put the car in park. "First of all, I don't ever want to hear you refer to yourself as a junkie whore ever again. Two, I don't have a wife or a girlfriend. Three, even if I did then she would have no choice but to accept what I do anyways. We aren't sleeping in the same room. I'm on the first floor and you are upstairs. So don't worry about it" he said. "But what about your job?" she asked. "Oh that's right, you don't know. I put in my paperwork to retire" he said. "Retire? Why would you want to retire?" she asked. "Why not? I've been in law enforcement for over twenty years. It's time for me to get out while I can. Before something happen and I won't have a choice on rather to retire or not. I'll be forced out. I don't want that. I want to leave on my own terms. I am finally in a position to where I can do that" he said.

"If it makes you happy then go for it" she said sitting back. He pulled back onto the expressway and drove towards his house. When they got there he made sure that she was set up nicely. She sat down on the bed and looked around. For the first time in a very long time, Sandra was at piece and happy with the way things were going.

Over the next few weeks, Victor got her into Narcotics Anonymous. She attended meetings every single day. She even got a little part time job as a custodian at a nursing home. Victor even went as far as to enroll her into the local junior college. She began to take courses working towards a certificate in addiction counseling. She no longer craved the streets or anything that came as a result of it. Sandra was glad that Victor put so many restrictions on her.

She was sitting in the yard one day enjoying the view of the swimming pool, drinking a nice cold glass of lemonade when he walked into the backyard carrying a big box.

"What is that?" she asked. "Your birthday gift. You didn't think I would forget about it did you?" he said. "I didn't know that you knew when it was" she replied. "Of course I do. I found out all about you. Happy birthday" he said handing her the box. She looked up at him before grabbing the box. When she opened it she saw a beautiful dress. Her mouth flew open. "Victor. You shouldn't have. I...I can't accept this" she said putting the box down.

He had a look of confusion all over his face. "Why not?" he asked. "I can't accept something like this from you. Where would I wear this dress? I don't go anywhere" she said. "Well see now. That's where you are wrong. Go up to your room. There are a few surprises waiting on you" he said looking at her. She looked up at him and saw that he was looking up at her in this weird way that he never looked at her before. She knew all too well what that look meant. Sandra had seen it several times. It was the look of a man who wanted to sleep with her.

"I wondered when that was coming" she said looking at him. "Wondered when what was coming? Sandra what are you talking about?" he asked. "This!! All of this!! Helping me get clean, getting me into those meetings, school and that job. Letting me stay here and giving me shit. It was all a set up" she yelled throwing down the box and standing up. "What the hell are you talking about Sandra?" he asked.

"You did all of this because you've been grooming me so that you could have your way with me. Nobody is this nice to a person without wanting something. NOBODY!! I was wondering how long it would take you. It took all of about two months for you to try something with me" she said walking towards the house. He ran after her and grabbed her arm.

"Sandra. Stop tripping. I'm just trying to do something nice for you. I don't want nothing from you" he said. "Yes you do. You always did. All you men are alike. You just went about it a bit slicker. Get your fuckin hands off of me" she yelled snatching away from him. She ran upstairs and slammed the door behind her. And right when she did that is when the cravings started. Those cravings only hit her when she was extremely upset about something and right now she was pissed.

Victor came upstairs and knocked on the door. "Sandra!! Open the door. I'm sorry for anything. I don't want anything from you. I just wanted to make you happy. It was your birthday. I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it" he said from the other side of the door.

Sandra sat on the bed rocking back and forth rubbing her arms. What she wouldn't give for a shot of heroin right now? That was all she needed to calm her nerves down. Just one shot. As she sat on that bed he opened the door and looked at her. Victor knew what was up with her. He knew that she was feening right now and he had to smooth things over with her before she went right back out on those streets and fucked up everything.

He walked over to her and kneeled down in front of her. "Sandra. I am sorry. But I didn't mean anything by it. I just want you to have a good time for your birthday. I don't want anything from you but for you to stay clean and be the woman that I know you can be. You know you got it in you to be a strong woman as well. I just want you to live the life that you should be living" he said. She just looked at him.

He grabbed her hand. "Are you going to be okay?" he asked. She shook her head no. He sat on the bed and wrapped his arm around her. "It will be okay. You can and will get through this. You just have to be strong. If you've made it all this time you can keep going. You can do it" he said as he just held her as she began to cry. He stayed up there with Sandra until she fell asleep. Victor looked at her as she laid there.

He hated to admit it but he was starting to have feelings for her, but after seeing how she reacted to him giving her a simple gift he decided that he was going to keep his feelings for her a secret. Victor did not want to send her back into some kind of fit and have her getting back on drugs and going onto the streets again.

# CHAPTER 3

For most of the next week or so Sandra moped around the house, work and school. Victor really wanted to do something for her to lift her spirits but he didn't really know what to do.

He was sitting out in his yard smoking a cigar when she walked into the yard. He turned around and looked at her. A smile came over his face as he saw her walking up to him. Sandra was a petite woman but she was very shapely. It was amazing how being off drugs made her look so beautiful. She sat down in a chair next to him.

"You do know that smoking those things are bad for your health right?" she asked looking at him. "Yes I know. But it's a habit" he said putting the cigar out. "Thank you for doing that. I hate the way those things smell" she said fanning the air around her. "Oh you do? You never said anything about it before" he said looking over at her. "I didn't want to overstep my boundaries with you" she said. "Understandable" he replied sitting back and stretching his legs out.

They were both quiet for a few minutes before she spoke up. "I just wanted to thank you for everything you are doing for me. I really do appreciate it. Even if I don't say it much" she said. "No problem at all. It was a part of my job anyway to not only arrest people but to offer them help" he said. She just stared at him smiling.

"Can I ask you a personal question?" she asked. "Sure. Go ahead" he replied turning to face her. "Why aren't you married? Are you gay or something?" she asked. He broke out laughing. He wondered when she would ask about that.

"To answer your question. No. I am not gay. And I am not married now because I was married once before. Lasted all of a year, if that. The divorce was really messy so I decided that I under no circumstances was going to get married again unless it was something serious and so far I have not found that serious relationship. So until I do, I will stay single. I date every now and then. But to be honest I have been preoccupied with my retirement and making sure that you are okay" he said.

Sandra just stared at him. "You don't have to stop living your life just to watch over me. I'm a big girl. I can handle myself" she said smiling. This was really the first time that he noticed how beautiful she was. Her skin had cleared up tremendously, her hair was nice and shiny and she had a beautiful smile. Sandra felt a little something too. She had always thought that Victor was an attractive man and had propositioned him on numerous occasions. He would always deny her though.

They stared at each other for a few minutes before looking away. The sexual tension between the two of them was so thick that you could cut it with a butcher knife.

"Can I ask you a question?" he asked. She turned and looked at him. "What is it?" she replied. "What made you get started doing what you used to do?" he asked. She looked away. She hated to answer that question whenever someone asked her about it.

"Did something happen to you that made you become a prostitute and you used the drugs to numb any feelings or remorse you had because of it or did the drugs come first and you prostituted yourself to support your habit?" he asked. Sandra cut a look at him that made him jump back in his seat a little bit.

"Sorry I asked. I just always wondered that about you" he said. Sandra looked up at the sky and smiled at the stars that were shining brightly.

"My uncle molested me from the time I was one till the time I left home at twelve. Every single day. The only reason he stopped was because I started my period and he saw that as me being too old and being a nasty person. I became gross to him and he didn't like that. I told my mother and she blamed me. Beat me until I was unconscious. Said I was a no good whore. Refused to feed me. Told me at twelve years old that I had to start paying rent and taking care of myself. I didn't see a point in staying at home so I left. I was on the streets for about a week when I fell in with this older crowd. Mostly older teens. All runaways. One night a few of them started decided instead of going off somewhere to get high they would do it right in this abandoned building we stayed in. I saw this go on for a few days before one of them offered it to me. It didn't take me long to become addicted. I think it was the first time and I was hooked. I just had to have it. It was hard to come by without money. This one girl told me a way I could make some money. I was high the first time it happened" she said.

She looked out at the pool before talking again. "After that it became easy to do. I am numb each and every single time I went out and fucked some man for money. After I got the money I went and got high. It's all I ever known. Nobody has ever shown me love before and I'm fine with that. Some people just are not meant to be loved and I am one of them" she said.

Victor stared at the sad look on her face. "Don't say that. Now that you are clean and have a clear outlook on life you are going to find a man who loves you. You two will be so in love that you will have so many kids you won't be able to count" he said laughing. Sandra on the other hand was not laughing. She shook her head no.

"I'm not cut out to love anyone. I don't ever see myself having kids. I don't want kids. If I were to ever get pregnant I would be at the abortion clinic so fast. I can't do it. I'm not meant to be a mother" she said. Victor just stared at her before shaking his head. He only heard those words come out of one other mouth before and that was his ex-wife. She was absolutely determined to not ruin her figure by having kids and had gone so far as to have a hysterectomy. When Victor found out, he was livid. That was the beginning of the end for their marriage. Here he was in his mid 40's and had no kids. He wanted kids more than anything and couldn't wait, but as time went on it started to look as if he would never have any.

"You may change your mind one day. You never know" he said. "It's never going to happen Victor. If it has not happened in all this time then it never will" she said. He couldn't help it, but he reached over and grabbed her hand and held on to it. Sandra turned and looked at him, then down at their hands. He didn't let it go and she didn't pull away from him either. Over the past few weeks she began to have some strong feelings for him. Feelings that she had never felt towards any other man before. They just sat outside all night long holding hands. Neither one of them saying a single word. They both knew that this strictly platonic friendship they formed over the past few weeks was now quickly developing into something else.

Later that night Sandra was laying on her side thinking about a few things. She knew that she couldn't stay here with Victor and hold him back any longer than she already had. She overheard a conversation he had with someone one day where he talked about buying a house in California and relocating there. He said he couldn't deal with the Chicago winters anymore. She was dozing off when she felt the bed move. She looked behind her and saw Victor in the bed with her.

"Victor...what are you doing in here?" she asked. Not even bothering to answer her, he just leaned over her and kissed her passionately. She froze at first because she wasn't sure if he was going to take advantage of her like so many others did. But after a few minutes she saw that he wasn't like the others and wasn't going to hurt her or force her so she began to give in.

She felt his hands slide up her legs, when he got to her thighs he squeezed them. Sandra felt as though he was crushing her. She was very petite and Victor was about six foot two inches tall and weighed about two hundred and twenty pounds. He pulled back slightly and looked down into her face. "I want you so bad Sandra" he whispered. Sandra wanted him too. She had never felt this way about a man.

That night my mother and Victor made love for the first time. It also happened to be the night that I was conceived. The very first time they had sex, that was the moment I was created.

Victor and Sandra began to see each other at that very moment. Following her wishes, they kept their relationship a secret. Sandra did not want to embarrass him by being known with her. Victor wasn't worried about that, but understood where she was coming from and respected her wishes. Over the course of the next few days Victor saw a different Sandra. She smiled much more. He loved looking at her smile. It was so bright and lit up the room.

Once Victor's retirement was official, he really started to put the plans in place to move to California. He needed nothing but sun, relaxation and Sandra. She had really blossomed over the past few weeks and he saw a totally different side of her. Her days consisted of going to school and meetings. Once she got done with her meetings she came straight home and made dinner. Victor was surprised that she was actually a pretty good cook.

One night she cooked his favorite dinner of pot roast with potatoes and carrots. They were sitting down at the table in the dining room eating dinner when he decided to talk to her about California.

"So you know my retirement is official now right?" he asked. "Yes I do. Congratulations. I know you are happy. What do you plan on doing now that you don't have to get up at the crack of dawn anymore?" she asked.

"Well. I am going fishing with the guys this weekend for a few days. After that...I plan on making a big move" he said. "A big move? Where? You never told me that you were selling this house" she said. "That's what I wanted to talk to you about. Ummm...I have been thinking about it for a long time. I can't handle these Chicago winters anymore. I'm getting too old for this shit. I always wanted to retire some place warm. I plan on moving to California and I want you to come with me" he said. Sandra just sat there holding her fork and looking at him. So he wanted to up and move to California? She wasn't sure if she wanted to make the move all the way to California. But then again she didn't have anything holding her back here. No family, no friends. Only thing she had was school, her meetings and her job. But she could always find that in California.

"I don't know. It's really a big move. I don't want to have to start all over from scratch again" she said. "And you want. You wouldn't have to work. My pension is more than enough to take care of us for a lifetime. I also have a ton of investment property out here. You wouldn't want for anything. You can still go to school and there are plenty of places where you can go to meetings out there. Some of the best places in the United States are there" he said. "I will think about it" she said.

And for the next few days she did think about it. Sandra was really afraid of change. It all made her nervous and when she got nervous that was when she started craving the drugs again. That was one of the only things that could calm her down, but she didn't want to go back to that. She actually feared getting addicted to drugs again.

Victor was really pressuring Sandra to go to California. Pressuring her so much that he ended up giving her an ultimatum. That led to a huge fight right before he left to go on his fishing trip with his friends.

"Listen. If you were serious about staying clean then you wouldn't have a problem with going to California. What the hell are you staying here for? You don't have anything here. Might as well come on" he said. His voice was a bit elevated. Too much for her liking.

"A person can't just pick up and go out there. That's too big of a move to just up and make" she screamed back at him. "Look...either you go or we are through. I am not going to do some damn long distance relationship. You know damn well you aren't going to make it out here on your own" he said. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" she said. "Just what the fuck I said. That's what it means" he screamed back.

They got into a huge argument and Sandra ended up leaving the house that night. There was a small part of him that was glad she left. It seemed like he always put something off to the side because of her and how it would affect her. A group of his former co-workers were going to Italy and asked him if he wanted to go but he said no because he didn't want to leave her alone by herself.

An hour later......

Sandra ran to the only spot she knew she could run to. The one that would take away all the stress that she had been going through over the past few weeks. The local drug spot. She had a little money on her. She got just enough heroin to take the edge off. As the drugs coursed through her veins a little smile came over her face as she leaned back. It had been months since she got high and it felt so good.

She laid back on a dirty, tattered couch as the drugs began to take their affect. Sandra began to feel this churn in her stomach. She knew that if you stopped doing drugs and started back up you could get sick. Sandra turned over on her side right on time before she threw up all over the floor. She continued to throw up as she began to shake. Some of the other addicts knew that what she was going through wasn't normal so they ran to get help.

A few hours later Sandra woke up in the hospital. She felt like absolute shit. Every bone in her body hurt, her stomach and throat felt raw as hell, like she had been throwing up forever. Just as she began to sit up a nurse came into the room.

"No no. Sit back. We can't have you hurting yourself now" the nurse said. "Where am I? How did I get here?" Sandra asked as she struggled to get up. The nurse grabbed her and gently laid her back. "You have to take it easy mam. Especially in your condition" the nurse said. Sandra looked up at her crazy. "Wait...what are you talking about?" Sandra asked.

She watched as a smile came over the nurse's face. "When you came in, you were quite sick. We couldn't figure out what was wrong with you so we ran every test possible and found out what was going on. Actually we found quite a few things" the nurse said. "Like what? What the hell is going on?" she asked.

"One...your iron levels are super low. You need to eat more red meat, dark leafy greens and beans. Two, the drugs. You have to get off of them. They are no good for the two of you. You need to think of the life you are carrying now" the nurse said.

"What life I'm carrying? What are you talking about?" Sandra asked. "The life inside of you. You are pregnant. According to our charts, you are about five weeks pregnant" the nurse. Sandra laid there in silence as she heard the words that she never wanted to hear in her life. The words that she was going to be a mother!!

When my mother was released from the hospital she went to her friend Tina's house. Tina was the only one who was actually clean. She didn't prostitute herself because she was addicted to drugs. Tina sold pussy because she couldn't stand working for someone else. That was the only reason why. Tina saw that my mother was in a bad spot and stepped up to the plate and helped her out.

My mother had been staying with Tina for a week when Tina decided it was time to have a talk with my mother.

"So, have you been to the doctor? What did they say?" she asked. "I haven't been. Don't want to go either" Sandra replied. "Why not? You really do need to go. You need to make sure that everything is okay with you and the baby" she said. "Nothing is going to be wrong with this baby. I wasn't getting high when I got pregnant. I haven't been getting high for months now" she said.

"And I know that. I'm real proud of you because of that. But those drugs can do a lot of damage to your body. Just do me a favor and go get a checkup. You really should see a doctor. Just to be on the safe side" Tina said. "I am not keeping this baby so what does it matter. It can come out with half a brain for all I care. As soon as I have this baby I'm giving him or her up. I do not want to take care of some little snot nose brat for the next eighteen years. Hell, I'd give it to the father if I could" Sandra said. The mere thought of Victor caused a lump to form in her throat. She really missed him. Victor took such good care of her and gave her everything that would make her smile. Victor was the first man that she had come across that didn't want anything from her but to stay clean and live a better life.

Sandra knew that she was pregnant by Victor. The minute she found out that she was pregnant she wanted to get an abortion, but she couldn't go through with it. She decided that as soon as she gave birth that she would place the baby up for adoption. My mother wanted absolutely no ties to Victor at all and I was the biggest connection to him that there could ever be.

Ignoring the fact that she was pregnant, my mother absolutely refused to go to the doctor during the entire pregnancy. For the next eight months she just sat around Tina's place and moped around. One day in her ninth month of pregnancy, she was sitting around the house looking at television when she began to feel sharp pains.

"What the hell?" she said as she stood up and felt a pop and something wet rolling down her legs. She put her hands inside of her pants and pulled it back out and saw some kind of weird fluid on her hands. "TINA!! TINA!!" she yelled. Tina rushed into the living room. "What's wrong? Why are you screaming?" she asked. "Something is wrong. I think I'm about to have the baby" Sandra said. "Come on. We got to get you to the hospital" Tina said as she grabbed Sandra's arms and walked her to the car.

# CHAPTER 4

My name is Tania Janice Hawkins. I was born on June 27th at 4:27 a.m. at Cook County Hospital. My birth wasn't a normal one. It wasn't even really wanted. My mother saw her pregnancy with me as a curse. My mother was a drug addicted prostitute. Nobody wanted to sleep with a pregnant prostitute. Plus she couldn't get high like she wanted to when she was pregnant with me. My mother Sandra Hawkins had been getting high since she was twelve years old, as she got older the frequency and severity of her getting high changed. My mother had the decency to stop when she found out that she was pregnant with me. The addiction she had was so strong that she didn't even wait an hour after I was born to get high. One of her friends snuck a bag of heroin into the hospital and my mother was in there shooting up.

She didn't even bother to take care of me the first few hours of my life. I just laid in that little isolette until I started crying. Her friend Tina was in the room with her. My mother just looked at me with disgust on her face. She hated what I represented, what she no longer had. I was a part of him and she swore on everything she loved she would make me pay for it.

"Sandy, I think little mama is hungry" Tina said walking over to the isolette I was laying in. "So what? I'm not going to feed her ass. She could starve for all I care" my mother Sandra spat. Tina just stood there and looked at her before turning and looking at me. I was crying my ass off. It was like the minute I was born I knew that I wasn't loved.

Tina reached into the isolette and picked me up cradling me in her arms. "Look at this gorgeous little girl. She is adorable. Chubby little cheeks. Lil ol skinny thang" Tina said looking down at me. She glanced back at my mother and my mother was just staring out the window.

Tina just picked up a bottle and started to feed me and I quieted right down. A few hours later a nurse came in with some paperwork for my mother to fill out for my birth certificate, but my mother refused to fill it out.

Tina just shook her head and gave the nurse what information she could. "Okay, what's the name for this little cutie here?" the nurse asked. Tina looked at my mother. "Sandra, what are you going to name her?" she asked.

My mother turned and looked at them with an evil look on her face. "How about evil little whore because that's exactly what she is?" Sandra said. Both Tina and the nurse stared at my mother. My mother could be one cold hearted bitch when she wanted to be. Tina looked at the nurse. "Would it be okay if I gave her a name?" Tina asked. "Mam, do you mind if she names your child?" the nurse asked. "I don't give a fuck who names her" Sandra spat.

Tina just looked at her shaking her head and turned towards the nurse. "I guess you are going to have to name her then" the nurse said shaking her head. She already knew what she had to do. She wasn't going to let me go home with Sandra. "What is the child's name?" the nurse asked.

Tina looked back at my mother before turning back to the nurse. "Tania Janice Hawkins. I think that's a perfect name for this special girl" Tina said looking down at me. I had fallen asleep with my little hand up against my face. "That is a beautiful name. It will fit her perfectly" the nurse said filling out the form.

The nurse left out of the room and got right on the phone with the Department of Children and Family Services. She told them the situation and almost immediately I was placed into DCFS custody. When the social worker arrived on the ward and went into my mother's room, she could tell that my mom was high.

"Ms. Hawkins, my name is Dorothy Daniels and I'm a social worker with the Department of Children and Family Services. Do you mind if I have a talk with you?" she asked.

"What the fuck do you want?" my mother snapped. The social worker kind of stepped back. "I want to talk to you about your daughter. There is some information that you need to know" she said.

"I don't give a fuck about that little slut. So if you are here to take her, then take her. I could give no fucks about her. The little bitch should have never been born. I should have gotten as high as a mutherfuckin kite the day I found out I was pregnant. That way she would have never been born" my mother said.

"We have taken custody of your daughter. Here is some paperwork. Our office will be in contact with you regarding your parental rights" the social worker said leaving out of the room shaking her head. She came to the nursery to check on me.

"Such a shame we can't pick our parents sweetie" she said looking down at me. She reached inside of the isolette and touched my hand. I immediately latched onto her finger for some reason. "Check you out little one" she said smiling. She stayed there for a few hours before she had to leave to go and file paperwork to protect me. This social worker knew the right house to place me in. With a woman who had been involved in foster care for many years.

A few days later I was released from the hospital into DCFS custody. I was placed into the home of Ms. Earline Harris. A foster parent who raised me for the first five years of my life. From the day I was placed into her home I was shown nothing but love. I was held and sung to whenever I cried. I was spoken to in such a soft voice that I would just stare up at her.

She congratulated me when I took my first steps a little after I turned one years old. When I got sick, she was there to nurse me back to health. I was the only girl in her house, so she spoiled me to death. We always went shopping where I always picked out pink clothes. My hair which was way past my shoulders was always done. I never went anywhere without my hair done. I always wore ribbons in my hair. People often joked that I looked like a human doll.

Mama Harris was a nice older lady who had been doing Foster Care for over thirty years. She was a very nice woman. I would always call her mama, but she would correct me and tell me that she wasn't my mother. When I asked her where my mama was, she would always tell me that she was away. I had no idea where she was or when she was coming back.

I came home from kindergarten one day. I walked from the school that was two blocks away with a group of other kids who were in Mama Harris's house. I had no idea that it would be the day that I would meet my mother.

I walked in the house and tried to run up the stairs so that I could watch cartoons. But Mama Harris called me and told me to come into the living room. "Oohhh, you gonna get it" this boy named Brian said. "No I'm not. I didn't do nothing" I said walking down the stairs. I walked into the living room and saw Mama Harris sitting across from some very petite lady. "Come sit down sweetheart" Mama Harris said.

I walked over to her and climbed up on the couch sitting next to her. "Sweetie, remember how you call me mama and I say that I'm not your mother and that your mother was away?" she asked. "Yes Mama Harris. You tell me that all the time" I said leaning up against her. A little smile came over her face. "Yes I do sweetheart. Well, this nice woman here is your mother. She came to see you" Mama Harris said. I turned and looked at this woman. I had no idea who she was or what she was doing here.

"Say hi to your mama sweetheart" Mama Harris said. "Hi" I said in a shy voice. "Hello" this woman said. I just sat there and stared at her. "Go on over there and see your mama sweetheart" Mama Harris said giving me a slight push to go over there and sit by this woman.

I got up and walked over there sitting next to this strange woman. I watched Mama Harris as she got up and walked out of the living room. "How are you doing?" the woman asked. "Fine" I replied. Mama Harris was big on respecting your elders. She taught us that when an older person spoke to us, that we should always respond to them.

"I've missed you" she said. "Okay" I replied. I really wasn't sure how I was supposed to respond to this lady. I mean, I didn't know her. Even if she was my mother. That lady stayed over there for a long time. I was wondering when she was going to go home because I wanted to get upstairs and watch cartoons.

Mama Harris came down carrying some kind of bag. She had this look on her face. It was that same look that she had whenever one of the kids that came to live with us had to leave. Mama Harris became very attached to the kids that came to live with her. Especially me, because I had been with her the longest. The day I was released from the hospital I went to live with her, she wanted to formally adopt me but for some reason DCFS had decided to not terminate my mother's parental rights yet.

"Tania sweetie. Come here" Mama Harris said with tears in her eyes. That's when I noticed that the social worker and the police were there. Just like they were when one of the kids was taken out of the house. I got up and walked over to Mama Harris. "Why you crying Mama Harris?" I asked.

"Sweetie. The time has come for you to go home with your mother" Mama Harris said. "But I don't want to. I want to stay here with you. I don't like her" I said. "Sweetie...you have to" Mama Harris said as she began to cry. "Nooooo" I cried out. I really did not want to leave this house. I didn't know that woman and I didn't like her.

"Tania baby, you have to" Mama Harris said. I felt a pair of hands on me and I just went berserk. I lost my damn mind. I started screaming and crying. I wanted to stay here with Mama Harris. They dragged me out to a car that was waiting. I banged on that window as my mother sat on the side of me with that bag that Mama Harris had. "Pull off. The sooner we get away from here the better" she said.

"I wanna go home" I screamed. "You are going home. Now hush with all that crying. You are a big girl now. Big girls don't cry" she said. The car pulled off and I got in the back window and started banging on it. Maybe if I hit it hard enough Mama Harris would hear me and come get me. But she didn't, she didn't even come outside. Where was she and why didn't she come get me?

"Sit down" the woman said. "No. I wanna see my Mama Harris" I screamed at her. "That old bitch is not your mother. I am your mother. Now sit down" she said. "NO" I screamed. I saw her hand reach over and slap me in the face. I just stood there and looked at her. "I said sit down" she said. "No. I want my Mama Harris" I cried. She reached over and grabbed me by my hair and yanked me down into a sitting position. Now I had some long, thick and curly hair so she was able to get a good hold on it.

"I said sit your ass down. You aint been with me but a minute, but I will tear the skin off your yellow behind. Sit down and shut the fuck up right now before I give you something to cry about" she said. I was truly scared of this woman, so I sat with my back to the door as we drove to some unknown place.

# CHAPTER 5

We pulled up in front of this tall brownish red building. I had seen them before when Mama Harris took us to the doctor. I heard this girl Natalie that used to live next door to us say that they were the projects and that all the bad people lived there. This woman who was supposedly my mama grabbed my arm and dragged me into the building.

"Hey Sandy what's up? Can I get a little action?" some random guy yelled out. "Not right now. I'm busy. I'll see you in a few" this woman said as she dragged me to the elevator. When we stepped inside I started gagging from the smell of pee that was all up through there.

"I swear if you throw up I will knock the fuck out of you. Betta keep it in your mouth" she screamed. I closed my mouth and tried to hold it in, but I couldn't and I ended up throwing up all over the elevator floor. "You little bitch" she screamed slapping me with the back of her hand. I hit the wall of the elevator and slid down to the floor crying.

"Shut up with your little whining ass. Aint got no reason to be cryin. So shut the hell up" she said. I closed my mouth and looked up at her. Why was this woman being so mean to me? What had I ever done to her? I didn't even know this lady.

The elevator stopped and the door slid open, she walked off the elevator and told me to follow her and that's what I did. We came to this door at the end of this long hallway. I put my hand over my nose because even these hallways smelled like pee. She opened the door and I followed her into this small, cramped apartment. I stood by the door and looked around. It had a bunch of broken, cheap furniture and I saw something crawling all over the walls and cabinets.

"Go in that room and don't touch nothing" she said pointing at a door. I walked in the room and stood there looking around. This was nothing like the room I had at Mama Harris's house. At Mama Harris house I had a big, pretty bright purple room with lots of dolls and toys. This room I was standing in now was dark dirty and it had no toys or nothing. There was one little bed that looked like if I sat on it, it would fall down.

I stood up for hours until my legs got tired and I went and sat down on the bed. It made a lot of noise. I just sat there and waited for that lady to tell me that dinner was ready, but she never did. It got really dark outside and I got off the bed and walked to the door. I peeped outside and didn't see anybody. I walked out and looked around for her and she was nowhere to be found. I walked to what I assumed was her bedroom and smelled some cheap, stinky perfume. I also saw clothes all over the place. Maybe she went out. I turned around and walked to the kitchen. I was hungry and wanted something to eat.

I opened the door to the fridge and it was completely empty. I turned around and walked to the cabinets and opened them. There was one little box of crackers. When I touched it, all these little brown bugs started to run all over the place. I waited until they all left before I grabbed a pack of crackers and went back to my room.

I sat on that bed and waited for that woman to come back that night, but she never did. At least not that night. I fell asleep with the pack of crackers in my hand waiting on her to come back. Maybe she went out to get some food or something. I don't know. All I know is that next morning, she woke me up in not in a nice way.

She snatched the crackers out of my hand. I had such a tight grip on them that I went flying off the bed and hit the hard concrete floor. I heard a crack in my arm and I screamed.

"Who the fuck told you to get my fuckin crackers? Nobody told you to touch my shit. I told you to sit your ass in this room and not leave" she screamed at me. This woman kept screaming at me while all I could do was hold my arm and cry. It hurt like hell.

"Shut up with all that damn crying" she screamed. When I didn't shut down quick enough she hauled off and slapped the shit out of me. Knowing that something wasn't right. I crawled over to a closet that was in the room and hid in the corner.

"You better crawl your little whore ass in there. And don't come out until I say so" she screamed. I heard a door slam as I hid in that closet. My arm was killing me. I had no idea what was wrong with it. I cried in that closet all day long. I had to pee really bad and tried to hold it as long as I could, but I didn't want to leave out of that room and have her yell at me or hit me again. I ended up going to the bathroom on myself. I stayed in that closet for three days before she opened the door. No food or nothing and I went to the bathroom on myself several times.

"Get up" she said. The tone of her voice was so much more different than it had been in previous days. I got up and stood there.

"Take your tail in the bathroom" she said. I turned around and slowly walked to the bathroom. I stood off to the side as she began to run some water in the tub. Once it got halfway full she motioned for me to come over to her. I was scared and didn't know what she was going to do to me.

"Come here" she said. I still didn't move. She stood up and grabbed me by my arm and I let out a blood curdling scream. It was the one I hurt the other day. She jumped back and looked down at me as I laid down on the floor in a ball and cried.

"Oh my God" she said. I heard footsteps run out of the room. A minute or so later I heard two sets of footsteps.

"Sandra, what did you do to that girl?" she asked. I had no idea who she was. But she knew me. I didn't know it, but this was the woman who had given me my name.

"I didn't do nothin to her. She was running around actin all crazy and she tripped and fell" my mother said coming up with a quick excuse. This other woman looked at her like she knew she was giving her some bullshit ass answer.

This woman kneeled down to me. "Are you okay sweetheart?" she asked. I looked over at my mother and was scared to answer her. "It's okay sweetie. You can tell me. Are you okay?" she asked.

I shook my head no. Even at this young age I knew that I wasn't okay. "Do you hurt somewhere? Can you tell me what hurts on you?" she asked. I pointed to my arm and my face.

"Your arm and face hurts?" she asked. I nodded my head up and down. A little smile came over her face before she turned around to face my mother. "Are you sure all she did was fall?" she asked.

"Yeah, she was running around all crazy. I told her to stop before she fell and hurt herself and she just kept on" my mother said. "Bullshit Sandra. You know damn well you did something to her. Look at her. She looks like she hasn't had a bath in days and she smells. I should call DCFS on you. They should have never given you this girl back" she said.

"I did what they told me to do and that was get clean. I got clean, so they gave her back to me" my mother said. "Oh really? And how long did it take for you to start shooting up again?" she asked.

"Don't worry about what the fuck I do" my mother snapped back. They went back and forth with the arguing. Somehow my mother convinced this woman not to call DCFS or the police on her.

They put me in the tub and got me cleaned up. Whoever this other woman was cleaned me up and got me dressed. She even fed me really good. Before she left she told my mother that if this happened again, then she would call the authorities. For the next few days after that my mother changed. She would feed me, but it wasn't enough so I was always hungry.

I was not allowed to come out of my room. It was pretty boring in there. I had no toys or books, not even a television. I just sat in that room and stared out of the window. I saw kids out there playing. Why couldn't I be out there? I remember Mama Harris had this big backyard and she would let us play for hours on end. A little smile came over my face as I remembered how green the grass was and the flowers she had. She had all kinds of flowers and I loved to help her in the garden. She had so many different flowers out there, but my favorites were the roses. She had roses in every single color of the rainbow. But my favorite ones were the pink ones. I had never seen pink flowers before, so I would just sit out there and stare at them for hours. But I couldn't do it here. I doubt that any flowers would even grow here.

A month later was my real first encounter with anyone outside of this house. My mother told me that a social worker from DCFS was coming over to the house to check on me and that if I knew what was good for me I would keep my mouth shut and not say a thing about anything that had gone on. My arm wasn't hurting anymore, I just had problems moving it. My mother never took me to the doctor to see what was wrong with it.

My mother threatened to beat the hell out of me if I said anything to this worker about how she was taking care of me. She got me all bathed and dressed up and even did my hair. Now there was another difference between her and Mama Harris. Mama Harris was gentle where this woman was rough. After I was all clean and dressed, she made me sit on the couch while she got ready.

I looked around the house and noticed that she had cleaned up. I really didn't get to see this part of the apartment much, but when I did it was always a mess.

Two hours later we were sitting in the living room with the social worker. She was asking my mother question, then asked my mother to leave us alone for a few minutes. I watched as my mother got up and left out of the living room. The social worker came and sat next to me.

"How are you doing sweetheart?" she asked. "I'm doing fine mam" I responded. "Oh look at you. Such a proper little girl. So tell me. How are things going here?" she asked.

I looked down at the floor. Was this my chance to get out of here and go back to Mama Harris' house? Do I speak up and say something or do I keep my mouth shut? I had no idea what I should do. "I wanna go see Mama Harris" I said in a low tone.

"Oh you do? She's been asking about you. Do you want to go and see her?" she asked. I looked up at her and nodded my head up and down.

"Well, I will see what I can do" she responded. She asked me a few more questions and I answered them. All lies. I didn't tell the truth one single time. I don't know why. This was my opportunity to tell her what was going on, but I didn't.

I sat on the couch as she talked to my mother before leaving. I thought I was in the clear until she turned around and said. "I'll make sure I arrange for you to go back and see Mama Harris okay sweetheart?" she said with a smile on her face. I looked at my mother and could tell from the look on her face that I was in for it. She walked that social worker out the door and I sat there on that couch and shook.

My mother walked back into the living room and put her hands on her hips. "So you were trying to sneak your little ass out of here were you?" she asked. "No mam" I said in my tiny voice. I saw her right hand come up and I tried to duck, but I was too late. My mother had just slapped the shit out of me again. I pretty much learned not to cry around her, the more I cried the worse the beatings got. I just held the side of my face and looked up at her with tears streaming down my cheeks.

"You better not ever think about going over to that old bitches house again. You can get that out of your mind right now. It aint never gonna happen" she said walking off and going into her bedroom. I didn't know rather I should move or not.

Half an hour later she came out of her room wearing this red mini-skirt that was really short and she had on some kind of white shirt. She had all this makeup on that made her look really ugly.

"I'm going out. Stay out of my shit. Go to sleep early. I got to put you in school tomorrow" she said as she looked in her purse and left out of the apartment.

My stomach started to growl. I ran to the window to see if she was going anywhere. Maybe I could grab something to eat before she came back. I looked as she got into a car and the car sped off.

I ran to the kitchen and opened the door to the fridge. She had a pack of hotdogs that weren't in there yesterday. Maybe I could get one and she wouldn't notice. I snuck one out and ate it right there.

There wasn't much else in that fridge so I closed the door. I grabbed a chair and pushed it over to the cabinets and opened them. I saw several jars of peanut butter, so I grabbed one before I pushed the chair back and ran to my room.

I sat in the closet and ate half the jar of peanut butter. I was only five years old but pretty much knew that it was just me and that if I wanted to eat I had to get stuff for myself.

# CHAPTER 6

I never did get to go back to Mama Harris's house. After my mother came back that day, she beat me for even asking the social worker about Mama Harris. She told me if I wanted to live then I would never speak of her name again, so I kept my mouth shut. I never asked to go over Mama Harris's house. I did think about her though. I thought about her a lot. Damn near every single day. She was the only one that showed me love. I was shown nothing in this house, nothing but hatred and abuse. I had no idea why my mother hated me so much. What did I do to deserve how she treated me? I did nothing wrong. I didn't ask to be born, so why was she treating me so badly?

Life in that house was pretty damn hard. My mother only fed me once per day and it was barely enough to get full on. I wasn't allowed to leave out of the room unless it was to go to the bathroom. There was no playing, no loud noises or nothing. Which didn't make sense because she wasn't there most of the time. So what did it matter if I made noise.

I ended up going to the local school which was hard as hell because I was even treated like shit there.

I had clothes from the thrift shop, they barely fit me and were either too big or too small. I had raggedy shoes and just looked a mess. I wanted to look like some of the other girls in the school. They had Nike and L.A Gear shoes, while I was wearing Pro Wings. I got teased every single day I was in school. When I came home it was even worse.

I was now twelve year old. I had been living with my mother for seven years. Seven years of pure hell and torture. I barely went outside and when I did it was to go to school. I hadn't been outside to play in I don't know how long. At home, my mother bullied and beat me but at school there was another bully waiting on me and her name was Christina.

Christina and I had been in the same class since last year. Now I don't know why, but she seemed to focus all her anger out on me. Like my mother she seemed to blame me for something. What that was I had no idea. I didn't have shit for anybody to be mad at me.

I was sitting at my desk doing my work one day when out the corner of my eye I saw Christina get up from her desk. When I saw her walking in my direction I tensed up. This wasn't going to be good. Every single time she came near me, she would do something. Rather it was hit, punch, spit or smack me. She would do something.

And just like I thought as soon as she got behind me, she slapped me in the back of the head. The entire class broke out laughing and pointing. I held my head down in shame. That entire damn day Christina kept messing with me. I broke out crying several times and she just teased me even more.

After school I managed to escape the wrath of Christina and walk home. I didn't feel like going home to get my ass beat for no reason so I just walked to the park. I passed this park going to and coming back from school every single day and I never stopped there. I was probably going to get my ass beat for no reason whatsoever so I might as well give my mother a valid reason to be hitting on me.

I sat down on the swing and started rocking back and forth. I desperately wanted to run away and go back to Mama Harris's house, but I had no idea which direction to go in. Maybe someone knew who she was and where she lived? But I was so scared to speak to strangers so I would just sit here and wait for her to show up. I knew that she loved me and would come around sooner or later.

I stayed there at the park until it started getting dark and I started getting hungry. I tried to get something to eat this morning, but there was nothing there. I knew for a fact that we got food stamps, but she sold them all. I don't know what the reason was for us going down to the welfare office if all she was going to do was sell the food stamps.

I walked down the street and came across this food store. I looked inside and saw that it was pretty crowded. Maybe I could sneak in and steal something. I was that desperate that I was about to resort to stealing. I just wanted something to eat.

I walked inside of the store and looked around to make sure there wasn't anybody who could catch me. Everybody was around the counter talking with the owner, so I slipped into the back and went to where all the lunch meat was. I grabbed a pack of ham and looked around, nobody was around me so I stuffed it in my backpack. I walked until I found some bread and grabbed a loaf of it. I walked around the corner and saw some juice that Mama Harris used to give us all the time, finding a small bottle I put it in my backpack and closed it up.

My heart was beating a mile a minute as I made my way towards the exit. Right when I got to the door I heard someone scream out "Hey you!" some loud voice said. I turned around and looked. "You didn't find anything you wanted to buy?" some man asked. "N...no...no sir" I muttered. "Next time don't come in here if you not buying nothing. Okay?" he said. "Okay sir" I said turning around and running. I ran straight to my building. I kept looking behind me because I thought I was going to get caught or something, but I didn't.

When I got upstairs to my apartment I stood at the door and listened to see if anybody was in there. It was all quiet so I opened the door and walked straight to my room. I was a little hungry from school, so I took out the lunch meat and bread and made myself a sandwich.

I actually ate four sandwiches. I don't know why but I just got hungry so I ate until I couldn't eat any more. I laid down and stared up at the ceiling. I made a vow to myself that I was never going to go hungry again. If I had to find stores all over the neighborhood to get food from then I would. I also knew that I could get up a little earlier and eat breakfast at school and then lunch. I would volunteer to be the lunch monitor so I could collect extra stuff.

I rolled over onto my side and went to sleep. A few hours later I was snatched out of the bed by my hair and slapped across the face.

"You little bitch. What the fuck is this shit? You brangin shit in my house. Hunh you little whore?" she screamed at me. I looked up at my mother as she held the meat and bread that I had left over in her hands.

"What is this shit doing in my house?" she yelled. "Somebody gave it to me" I mumbled. I couldn't tell her that I stole it. If I did then she would beat me probably worse as she had ever done.

"Who gave it to you? You out there whoring around, begging for food? Hunh you little slut?" she yelled. "No mama" I said. "Yes you are you little whore" she said as she hauled off and slapped me again. This time it was so hard that I fell to the floor and she started to beat me with everything. Her fists, feet and whatever she could grab in that room. My mother beat me for the next twenty minutes, all because I had food. She wasn't giving it to me, so where the hell was I supposed to get it from?

My mother left out the room taking the food with her, but not the juice. I hid that juice in the closet. I didn't want to drink it. That was the only thing I had to remind me of Mama Harris.

The next morning my mother woke me up. "Go take a bath, you got school today with your stankin ass" she said looking down at me. I got up and walked to the bathroom and saw that there was already water in the tub. I began to take my clothes off to get in the tub when she popped up behind me.

"Don't just fuckin stand there. Get your ass in the water" she screamed. I turned around and looked up at her in fear.

"Get in the water" she said through gritted teeth. Not moving quick enough for her I guess she picked my frail body up and dropped me in the water. I let out a blood curdling scream because that water was hot as hell. I tried to jump up but she held me down. I don't know why but I started fighting her. I wanted to get out of that water so bad, but she held me down.

After I decided to stop fighting, she let me go. "Go get yo ass dressed and don't be late fa school. Let me get a call that your ass didn't go straight to school and I'm fuckin you up again" she said. I climbed out of the tub and slowly walked to my room. Every single thing on my body hurt.

I got dressed in the same ugly ass clothes as I always did. I cried as I thought about the clothes that Mama Harris used to buy for me all the time. We would go to the big stores downtown and would pick out the prettiest clothes.

I had to find Mama Harris and find her quick because I knew at this young age that if I stayed home with my mother then I would not make it long on this earth. I began to wonder where my father was and why he wasn't around to stop this evil woman. I was bending over to put on my shoes when she busted through the door.

"What the fuck takin you so long? Hurry up and get yo ass out. I got shit to do" she said standing there. I hurried up and got dressed and left out of the apartment.

I had to take my time walking to school because my entire body hurt so badly. I had no idea what all was wrong with me, but something was wrong.

When I got to school people were staring and pointing at me. I was used to it. They pointed and stared at me all the time. There was nothing new about that. I went to the lunch room to get some breakfast when the principal and my teacher walked up to me.

"Tania, can you follow me into the office" the principal asked. I looked up at him and instantly got scared. I hadn't been around too many white people before. I kept hearing my mother call them names and talking bad about them.

"Come on sweetie. You aren't in any trouble" my teacher said as she placed her hand on my back. I flinched from the pain. It felt like my entire body was on fire. "Come on" they both said as they led me to the principal's office.

They told me to sit down and once I did, I began to cry. It hurt to sit down.

"Colleen, go make that call. I think we have a situation here" the principal said. I watched as my teacher walked out of the room. The principal sat on the couch next to me.

"Sweetie. I'm going to ask you a question. I want you to be honest with me okay?" he asked. I looked at him before nodding my head up and down. "Did somebody hurt you?" he asked. My mother told me a long time ago that if I ever told anyone what happened in our apartment that she would go to jail and they would take me away again. When she saw the glimmer of hope in my eyes, she realized that I might use it to go back to Mama Harris's house. So that's when she really scared me and said that if I ever told anyone and she went to jail, that I would go to a different foster care home and they would treat me worse than what was happening inside of the house.

"You can tell me sweetheart. Nobody will hurt you. You are safe here. Now is somebody hurting you?" he asked again. I shook my head no. I thought it I didn't say anything that nothing would happen. But I wasn't dealing with stupid people here. I was dealing with people who knew better. They saw the bruises and the blisters that were breaking out all over my body from being burned.

My teacher walked back into the room. "I called DCFS Mr. Kragen. They had someone in the area, they are sending her right over" she said. I watched as the principal got up and pulled my teacher to the other side of the room. I couldn't hear everything they were saying, but just bits and pieces of it. They kept saying something about bruises, blisters, my hair, my clothes, smelling funny and a bunch of other stuff.

Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door and another white woman walked into the room.

"Hello, I'm Ms. Kolwalksi. I got a call that there was a situation here" she said. I looked at her and she was an old, ugly ass lady. I watched as the principal walked over to her and spoke to her. She looked at me for a minute before walking over to me. She sat down next to me.

"How are you?" she asked. I shrugged my shoulders. Even that hurt. "Did somebody hurt you?" she asked. I looked down at the floor. I didn't want anyone to know anything. Still in my naïve mind I thought that if I didn't say anything, it would all go away.

"Where is her mother?" the woman asked. "We have not been able to contact her mother. Something is obviously going on. Look at her" my teacher said. I could feel the woman looking me over. "Try to get in contact with her mother. I'm taking her to the hospital to be checked out" the woman said as she grabbed my hand.

"Honey, we are going to go to the doctor. He's going to look at you and make sure that you are okay. Then after that we can go and get some McDonald's. How would you like that?" she asked me. I didn't answer. Just looked down at the floor. I knew I was about to be in a world of shit once my mother found out. She would surely think that I talked to them and told them what was going on in our home.

"She doesn't talk much. Matter of fact I don't think I have ever heard this child talk. Ms. Negovan, have you ever heard her talk?" the principal asked. "No I haven't. She's one of my better behaved children. Doesn't say a word. I don't know if she can. I do know that a lot of girls pick on her all the time. Why? I have no idea. She doesn't seem to mess with anyone" my teacher said.

This strange woman pulled me up into a standing position and started to guide me out of the school. She placed me in the backseat of the car and we pulled off. About twenty minutes later we arrived at the hospital. There was this doctor that examined me and asked me questions, but I still refused to say anything to anyone.

About three hours after we arrived at the hospital I was sitting eating some of the food they had given me on account I missed breakfast and lunch. I was actually in a pretty good mood when I heard my mother's voice. Now my mother wasn't a big woman, but when she got in her moods then you could hear her halfway across the world.

All I heard was "Where is my mutherfuckin daughter? Who took her out of that gotdamn school?"

I put the burger I was eating down and sat there looking down with my hands folded. That's what I did when I got nervous. That woman just put the fear of god in me any time I was around her.

A minute or so later my mother and a doctor busted into the room. "Tania get up and get ready to go" she said. "This child is not going anywhere until you explain what happened to her. The school tells us she's being bullied, but I have never seen bullying look like this. It looks like this child has been beaten" the doctor said stepping in.

"I have not beaten my child. How dare you accuse me of beating her? You heard what the school said. She's been bullied" my mother said as she slipped my jacket on. "Nobody accused you of beating her. I just said that she's been beaten on. I find it hard to believe that this comes from bullying" the doctor said. I looked at him and could tell that he didn't believe her.

"Ask her. Ask her who did this to her. I bet she tell you who did it to her. Just ask her" my mother said with her arm wrapped around me. I could tell that she was high on that stuff again. She always acted crazy when she was. The only time she wasn't beating on me was when she was out of the house or she had gone to sleep after taking all that stuff. Whatever it was that she took all the time.

"Go head and ask her. She tell you the truth" my mother said. The doctor walked up to me and got down on my level. "Sweetheart, is someone hurting you?" he asked. I looked up at my mother and she gave me that warning look. That look that let me know I had better give them the right answer or it was going to be my ass when we got home.

I nodded my head up and down. I could feel the hold my mother had on me get tighter. She was digging her nails into my arm.

"Who is hurting you sweetheart? Is it your mother or are there people messing with you at school?" he asked.

I looked up at my mother again and again she sent me a silent threat. "People at school" I said in a very tiny voice.

The doctor looked up at my mother like he knew that I was lying for her. "What did those people do to you?" he asked. "They hit me with shoes and rocks and pulled my hair. Then they throw some hot water at me" I said. He stood up and shook his head.

He looked at the DCFS investigator who had stepped into the room. "It's obvious that this child is lying for her mother. Can't you do something?" he asked.

"Not unless the child admits to being beaten at home. I heard it with my own ears from the teacher, she's picked on and bullied. We would have a hard time proving that the mother did this" she said.

"That is what's wrong with the world now. Dope fiend mothers getting away with damn near murdering a child and the state does nothing about it. We call you all and let you know the child is damn near death and you still do nothing. The only time you all want to do something is when the child dies and you get questioned about why you did nothing to protect the child, that's when you want to open an investigation" the doctor fussed as he left out of the room.

"Come on chile!! I got to get home. I got stuff to do" my mother said as she grabbed my hand and damn near dragged me out of the hospital.

My mother fussed the entire way home. Saying that it was my fault she lost out on money. What money? I never saw her with money. She never got me any good clothes, she barely had clothes of her own. She always wore clothes that looked like I could fit into them. Plus she was always doing drugs.

When we got to our apartment she pushed me so hard inside of the door that I fell on the floor.

"Get your narrow tail up. Wasting my goddamn time picking yo stankin ass up from the hospital. Should have just stayed yo dumb ass at school, but no. You just couldn't do that. Imma tell you dis, let them damn people come to my house checkin up on you. Imma skin your little ass alive. Get in that damn room and don't come out until I tell you to" she said.

I got up and ran into the room closing the door behind me. I don't know why but my little bad ass stuck up my middle finger. That's how I felt about that woman. I didn't give a damn about her because she didn't give a damn about me. I went and sat on the bed and stared out the window. I saw kids playing at the local playground and I began to cry. That's all I wanted to do was be a kid. If she didn't want to let me or didn't love me or want me then why did she take me from Mama Harris?

For the next few days it was more of the same, get up, go to school, get teased and sometimes beaten up, go home, no food, get yelled at for breathing and maybe even a spanking before she left. Truth be told I liked when she left, I mean yeah there wasn't a lot of food in the house, but I was free for a few hours. Free from the beatings and the yelling. I was also free to walk around the apartment, there wasn't much to do but at least I was free. I could run around and make as much noise as I wanted to.

I was smart though. I asked the lunchroom lady if I could help out with the lunches and she let me. I always kept my backpack near me so that I could stuff extras into it. On some days I was able to get a full lunch but on others it was just an apple. I was happy for anything. I learned how to ration it out over the seventeen hours or so I was at home. It was hard and sometimes I still went to bed hungry, but at least I was eating something which was more than what that bitch of a mother of mine was feeding me.

# CHAPTER 7

Even though I had learned to become a little bit more independent, I failed to think of one tiny detail. School was now out for the summer and my eating was cut way down. I was sitting in my room one day just staring out of the window when my mother called me into the living room.

I walked slowly into the living room and saw her sitting in some kind of raggedy chair smoking a cigarette.

"Put some clothes on. I need you to go to the store" she said. I just stood there and looked at her. How was I going to go to the store when she didn't have any money? I may have been young but I wasn't stupid. This woman was crazy.

"What the fuck you standing there for? Put some mutherfuckin clothes on" she screamed. I turned around and found something to wear. It wasn't clean or even fit good. But it was something to wear. I walked back into the room slowly and stood in front of her as she was nodding off again. I looked over at the table next to her and saw a needle.

"Mama" I said in a low tone. I didn't want to make her yell at me if she didn't have to. I just stood there until she woke up. She kind of looked at me crazy. "What?" she said. "You wanted me to go to the store for you mam" I said. That was something she had me doing now. Calling her mam. If I didn't, I would get slapped across the face.

She shook her head before reaching in this little raggedy purse she always carried around with her and pulled out a twenty dollar bill. I wondered how she got that. There wasn't too many times I had seen her with money. "Go to the store and get me a beer and some cigarettes. Newports and a Bud Light" she said throwing the money at me. I stood there and waited for her to mention something else, like food, but all she did was kick me with her feet and tell me to get to the store.

I walked to the store and got what she told me to get. When I got back to the house I saw her sticking that needle in her arm again, with that brown stuff in it. I knew that she would be going to sleep again soon and then she'd be gone out of the house for a few hours. So I just put her beer and cigarettes on the table next to her. I reached into my pocket to give her the change from the store, but she was already nodding off. I looked at the money in my hands. It was about eight dollars. More than enough to get something to eat with. That's if I could keep it. Did I risk getting my ass beat for some food or did I spend more hungry days and nights in my room dreaming about food? I decided that it was worth the risk and I put the money in my pocket and walked back in my room. When I was at the store I saw a pack of lunch meat for only thirty five cents, so I got it and a loaf of bread. I was going to do whatever I had to do to make sure I ate. Even if it meant getting my ass beat. I went to my room and made myself a sandwich. I ate it quick as hell because I knew that she would be waking up from that sleep.

Later that night she called me into the living room and I walked very slowly into it. She didn't like me walking fast in the apartment, saying she didn't want me breaking anything. I would look around and didn't see anything that could be broken because it was broken already.

"Mama needs your help baby. Can you help mama?" she asked. I nodded my head up and down. "Mama is sick baby. I need you to go and get some of mama's special medicine. Can you do that for me?" she asked. "Yes mam" I said. She handed me some more money.

"There is a man downstairs in the stairway. Tell him that you need some medicine for your mama. When you get it and come back I need you to help me give mama her medicine. Okay?" she asked. "Yes mam" I replied.

I walked out the door and went down to the floor she told me to go to. I found the man she told me to look for and gave him the money and he gave me a bag of something. I don't even know what it was. All I knew is that I saw that same little plastic bag all over the place at my house. I walked back up the stairs and went into our apartment.

I saw my mother sitting there in this chair that looked like it would fall apart at any moment. She was rocking back and forth and rubbing her arms. When she turned and looked at me I saw this look come over her face. "Did you get it? Did you get it?" she asked. "Yes mama. I got it" I said pulling the bag out of my pocket. She got up and snatched it out of my hand and sat back in the chair. I stood there as I watched her prepare that stuff. I still had no idea what I was looking at. All I knew is that whatever it was must have been important to her because she was rushing to get it.

"Come here" she said. "What?" I asked. "I said come here" she yelled. I walked up to her and she handed me some kind of rubber thing. "Tie that around my arm" she said. "What?" I asked. "TIE IT AROUND MY ARM DAMMIT" she yelled. I hurried up and put it around her arm. "Make it tight. It won't work if it's not tight" she said. My hands fumbled as I tried to tie it as tight as I could.

"I need you to help me do this. Here grab this" she said handing me the needle. I held on to it with two fingers. I absolutely hated needles. That was the one good thing about living here. She never took me to the doctor so I never had to get a shot. Mama Harris took us to the doctor all the time. I stood there and watched as she slapped her arm repeatedly.

"Come here" she said. I walked up to her. "You see that blue thing right there?" she asked. "Yes mam" I replied. "I want you to stick the needle in there. When I tell you to stop, pull this part back and then push it in until you see all this brown stuff gone. Okay?" she asked. "Yes mam" I said as I began to cry and shake as I put the needle in that blue thing on her arm and did exactly what she told me to do. I didn't want her to beat me if I got it wrong.

I stood there and watched as her eyes rolled into the back of her head and she leaned back in the chair. She just laid there, not moving. I wasn't sure if I was supposed to stand there or not. I knew that sometimes when she did this she would be mean when she woke up so I walked to my room and closed the door.

Over the course of the next few weeks I did this on a daily basis. Sometimes up to four or five times a day. I would go and buy the stuff for her and put it in her arm. It got to a point where I would offer to go and get it for her just to get her high so that she wouldn't hit on me or yell at me. It also gave me a chance to keep some money. I would wait till she got so high and then offer to get her some more and she would give me too much money. Sometimes she would forget she sent me out to get some more drugs and I pocketed that money.

All of this lasted for about a month or so before she caught on to what I was doing and when she did. I paid for it heavily.

I had gone to the store and got a juice and a bag of chips. I walked into my apartment fully expecting her to be gone or sleep. I walked into my room and saw her in my closet. I must have made a noise or something because she turned around and looked at me.

"Where did you get this from?" she asked holding all the money I had been taking from her. Now I was not a good liar at all. I got all hot and sweaty.

"WHERE THE FUCK DID YOU GET IT FROM?" she yelled. "I...I...found it" I said coming up with the quickest lie I could think of. "Oh you found it hunh? Just how did you find it? You been out there shaking your little flat ass haven't you? ANSWER ME BITCH" she yelled. "No mama" I said. She slapped the shit out of me and I hit the dresser, bumping my head.

"You little lying bitch. You been going in my purse taking my mutherfuckin money. I should beat your ass" she said grabbing the broom that was in the hallway. She began to beat me with it so hard that she ended up breaking the broomstick over my back. I laid there screaming and crying. My mother had never beaten me like this before. I couldn't understand for the life of me why she was treating me like this.

"Next time you fuckin take money from me I will kill you. Thieving bitch" she said throwing the two broken broomsticks at me.

I just laid there crying and in so much pain. I couldn't even move. "SHUT UP WITH ALL THAT DAMN CRYING!!! You wasn't crying when you stole that money from me bitch. I should call the police on your ass and tell them to get you out of here. Be one less problem I have. Should have got rid of yo ass when I had the chance. Stupid bitch" she yelled from the living room.

After laying on that floor crying for about an hour or so. I finally stopped. I don't know what possessed me to even think it, but I wanted to just throw myself out of the window. We were all the way up on the tenth floor and I knew that I wouldn't make it, but it heaven was probably a hell of a lot better than this hell on earth I was experiencing.

I tried to sit up but every single time I moved my back would burn. My shirt was sticking to my back. I managed to peel myself up off the floor and sat on the bed. I had no idea what time it was all I knew is that it was dark and I didn't hear anything coming from the living room. I did smell that cheap perfume that she always put on before she went out for hours on end.

After a few minutes I got up and very slowly made my way to the door. I grabbed the handle and turned it, pulling the door open. I peeped out of the door and all the lights were off. I knew that I had a few hours of freedom so I went to the bathroom. I could hear her voice yelling at me about asking permission to use her bathroom. I had to ask permission to do everything. It was like I was a slave in this place.

I wanted to run away. I remember when I lived with Mama Harris, there was this boy named Harold who would always run away from the house. Maybe I could do that. Maybe if I got away from this evil bitch then someone would find me and I could make my way back to Mama Harris. That's all I wanted anyway, to go back to Mama Harris. I might not be able to find her but at least I would be out of here. I went back to my room and got the little raggedy bag that I used for a backpack and put some of my clothes in it. I put the bag on my back and walked towards the door. The minute I put my hand on the doorknob I felt it turn. I jumped back when it opened and got the shock of my life. My mother was standing there with some old drunk white man. I saw this look come over her face and I walked back until I hit a wall.

"Who is this little lady?" the man slurred as he struggled to stand up. "Some little bitch they making me watch for a check. Don't worry about her. Go on in the room back there and wait for me" my mother said. I watched as this old man gave her a sloppy kiss and grabbed on her butt before winking at me and walking to the room. My mother grabbed me by shirt and pulled me up to her. "You leave out that door and I will find you and kill you. Get yo ass back in that room and don't make a fuckin sound. If you ruin this for me I swear to God I will make you wish that you were never born" she said in my face. She pushed me off and I hit the wall bumping my head against it.

I stood there and watched as she went into the room. A few minutes later I heard a lot of loud sounds coming out of the room. The bed was squeaking, my mother was shouting at the guy she was in there with and the man was making this weird noise and saying "Yes". I walked with my head down and went into my room closing the door.

Fortunately for me my mother forgot all about me trying to run away and dove head into a drug and sex filled summer. Sometimes in our apartment. There would be times when I left out of my room to go to the bathroom and would see a lot of stuff that my young eyes didn't need to see. It was that summer that I learned what sex was. On the rare occasion that I managed to get outside because my mother had friends over and they had their kids with them I learned a lot. We would always catch our parents doing drugs or having sex. At first my naïve ass didn't know that what I was looking at was wrong. I had seen it so many times that I thought it all was normal.

One particular day I was out playing in the little playground near our building with this girl named Robin. Her mother was at our house all the time, so Robin and I became friends fast. I liked her because she could go into a store and steal stuff like nobody I've ever seen before. It seemed like she was a professional at it. She would always come out with bags of chips, juice and candy. We would sit at the park and eat it and she would go out and steal some more. Before long, our little crew went from two to about five. For some reason our apartment was known as the party spot and people would bring their kids.

While the grownups were up to their normally stuff, we would always go to the park. It was funny because we were all the children of prostitutes but they were treated differently. I knew that their mothers did it to take care of their families and get high, whereas my mother did it to just get high. She didn't give a fuck about taking care of me. I would often wonder why she even had me. Why would she even have me if she did not love me or wanted to take care of me?

I knew one thing was for sure. When I got old enough I would never have any kids. I didn't know how to love anyone so I would not have kids and do the same thing to them that my mother did to me. Maybe if I had been raised by Mama Harris I would have felt differently. I don't know. The one thing I did know is that I would not ever have kids. As soon as I was old enough I would make sure of that. I wanted it to be just me and me only. I couldn't even imagine myself having kids. I would kill myself before I even allowed that to happen.

The school year started and while most kids would be dreading it, I was actually happy. That meant I would be eating twice a day and possibly three if I could get that old job back. There was only one thing I wasn't happy about and that was the lack of new clothes and shoes. I also still had the same backpack that I had been using for the last two years now and that was on the verge of falling apart. I now knew that my mother had money. What she did with it I don't know. My clothes were a joke. Her version of school shopping meant taking me to the church thrift store and buying me clothes that were old, stained, too big or too small. My shoes were always cheap and dirty.

I thought that I could escape the teasing on the first day of school but I was wrong. Christina took one look at my shoes and started pointing and laughing, pretty soon everybody was laughing at them. I found myself in a familiar position of sitting in the corner of the lunch room by myself eating my lunch.

I was walking home from school one day when I was pushed really hard from behind. I fell to the ground and hit my lip on the concrete. I heard an all too familiar laugh as I looked down at the concrete and saw blood on the ground. I put my hand up to my lip and it stung a little. I had my fair share of busted lips from my mother so I knew that my lip was in fact busted.

"Look at the little bum. Still wearing those old dirty tired clothes. You think as much as your mama is a hoe that she would have money to get you some good clothes instead of shopping out of the garbage dump" she said as she stood over me.

"Get up and fight me" she said. I looked up at her in fear. Christina wasn't that much taller than me, but she definitely had more weight than me. She wasn't fat or anything she just ate on a regular basis, probably whenever she wanted to and I didn't. "FIGHT ME" she said as she jumped at me with her fist balled up.

I just sat there on the ground holding my lip. She kicked me with her feet and then broke out laughing. "Ol skinny ass. I should fuck you up just for even breathing. Don't let me catch your ass after school. I'm going to fuck you up stupid ass" she said as she kicked me again and walked off. I sat there on the ground until I saw her turn around the corner.

I stood up and picked up my backpack and almost immediately the books that were inside of it fell out. I turned the backpack upside down and saw that it had ripped. I exhaled loudly. There was no way that I was going to be able to use this anymore. I picked up my books, paper and pencil and cried as I walked home.

When I got upstairs to my apartment I could tell that my mother was having another one of her parties again. Good, that meant that she would not be bothering me or whopping me for some unknown reason. I slipped into the apartment and walked to my bedroom. I closed the door behind me and sat down on the bed. I breathed a sigh of relief. I escaped what could have easily been a second ass whooping.

The music coming from the living room was loud. I could smell a whole bunch of funny smells. When I came in I saw all kinds of stuff laid out on the table. All kinds of drugs and needles and pipes. I also saw bottles of beer and other alcohol. I didn't see my mother. There was no telling where she was at. She would often leave and not come back for hours, sometimes days on end. I had pretty much become immune to it all by now. I had been seeing this for over seven years now.

Seven years ago I was taken out of a loving and protective home and thrown into this hell hole with this beast who beat me and damn near starved me just about every single day I had been here. There was no love shown in this house at all. Nothing for my birthday or for Christmas. After the first year or two I pretty much began to forget when my birthday or Christmas was coming. I often wondered what Mama Harris was doing. Whenever it was my birthday she would have the biggest party in the backyard. Every single year I had a big, pretty pink cake that she would spend hours in the kitchen baking from scratch. Christmas began with going to church and then coming home and having a big family dinner after that we were allowed to open our gifts. I always got so much stuff. Dolls and tea sets and even more clothes.

I didn't get anything for either of those days. My mother didn't even acknowledge my birthday let alone put up a Christmas tree on Christmas. I would always walk home from school and see all the pretty decorations put up. I got mad when I heard all the kids talking about what they got for Christmas. Why couldn't I get anything? Even if it was just one gift. I would have been happy with that.

# CHAPTER 8

The school year came and went fast as hell. It was another year of being chased home by Christina, teased, shoved into lockers and just tormented. I couldn't wait to get old enough. As soon as I got old enough I would pack up what little stuff I had and go as far away as I could. If I wasn't getting beat up at school then I got it at home.

I was sitting at home one day during summer break when I began to feel something wet between my legs. I stood up and looked at the bed and saw a red spot on the sheets. "Oh no" I said as I walked to the bathroom. I knew what was happening. I had heard about this in health class and also overheard some of the girls talking about getting their periods. They had gotten them for at least a year now. I always wanted to know when it would happen to me.

It seemed as if I was a late bloomer for everything. I didn't have any breasts. People like Christina had them. Matter of fact she had big ones and was always messing with the strap on her bra. I had to admit that she had a body as well. She had curves where I was flat. I was super flat. No butt, no hips and no boobs.

I took off all my clothes and ran some water in the tub. I needed to get these clothes cleaned before my mother got home. If she saw this she would be very mad at me. Hell she got upset if I breathed too loud and don't let me sneeze or something. I got the shit beat out of me then. I washed the clothes as best as I could and let the water drain so that I could take a bath. Once I got myself cleaned up I looked in the closet that was in our bathroom and didn't see anything that I could put on to protect my underwear. Then I remembered for the past two years they had been passing out different things that we could use when we did get our periods.

I went back to the room and laid the clothes out over the radiator. I then walked to the closet and remembered this hiding space where I hid all the different pads and stuff they gave us at school. I got one and opened it, remembering how they taught us at school I placed one in my panties.

I walked over to the bed and got the sheets off and walked to the bathroom and began to wash them. I needed to get this done before my mother came back in the house. Although she had been gone for about two days now, she could pop up at any given moment. I had pretty much learned to take care of myself.

The church down the street from our building had a summer feeding program and they were well aware of who my mother was so when I would go there in the morning they would always give me two breakfast packs and enough meal packs to get me through the day. On Friday's they would give me enough to last me through the weekend. One day my mother found the food and I thought she was going to beat me for having food in the house. But all she said was "Oh your dumb ass is smart enough to learn how to hustle. Good, then that means I don't have to feed your ass".

I would also steal the soap from the bathrooms at school throughout the school year so I had plenty to wash up with. There was a dental clinic at the church at the beginning of the summer so I got a few tubes of toothpaste. I was a survivor. I would continue to survive until I could get the hell up out of here.

Once again my summers were filled with doing absolutely nothing but sitting in my room and staring out the window and staring at all the kids going outside. Before I knew it my mother had been gone for about two weeks. I had no idea where she was. Thinking it was safe to come out of my room I went into the living room and sat down on the couch. I hadn't been in here for a couple of weeks. Every now and then a social worker from DCFS would come by and check up on me.

But before they would come over my mother would let me know that if I said anything that she would beat the shit out of me the first opportunity that she could. We had to pretend like we were the happy mother-daughter combo. What a crock of bullshit. She didn't like me and I damn sure didn't like her. As soon as the social worker left I went right to my room, closing the door behind me and she went right back out onto the streets to do what it was that she did. I know knew what that was. I was told by someone what she did and how she got money. I thought it was gross. Why would anyone want to have sex?

When I was told what went where I swore on my life that I would never have sex. A long time ago one of the little boys that used to come over with his mother showed all of us his private parts and it looked gross. He then started to tell us about what went where and what each person was supposed to do. It was all just nasty to me. I could never see myself doing that. I just could not.

One day my mother had taken those drugs again and was sleeping all day. I figured that she would be sleeping for awhile so I went outside to the park. I absolutely loved going to the park. It was one of the only places that I felt safe. Nobody bothered me at the park. I would sit on the swings and just swing back and forth hours. Just daydreaming about the day that I would finally be able to escape this life I was living. The one I didn't ask for. The one I didn't deserve. I just don't know what I could have done differently to avoid everything. I just guess that God gave people certain lives that he wanted them to live. I always had to wonder why I got the life that I did.

I must have really went into one of my day dreaming zones because I didn't even hear my mother walk up behind me. I didn't even smell her. My mother wasn't a clean woman. In many different ways. She had this smell to her that I absolutely could not stand. It was one that I had come to secretly call "the drug smell". I had gotten use to the smells that came from our apartment, all because of drugs.

I didn't even know that my mother was standing behind me until I felt this horrible stinging pain across my back. I gasped and jumped up and tried to touch my back when I felt another stinging pain. That pain was all too familiar. It was that pain that came from a belt when I was getting my ass whooped. Which for some strange ass reason was happening more and more often? It seemed as if the bigger I got the worse the beatings got.

"You little whore. I'm gonna teach your ass to not sneak out. I'm gonna beat the shit out of you. I'm about to skin your little whore ass alive" she yelled as she continued to hit me with the bet. I tried my best to block it, but that belt just came down on me so quick that I couldn't get my arm up fast enough. My next thought was to run. My mother couldn't run. I had never seen her do anything quicker than a walk. She just didn't have it in her, so I did what I thought was best and that was run. I just hauled ass. I looked over my shoulder and she was running after me with a crazed look on her face, screaming and yelling about how I was being such a little whore. But why? I hadn't done anything wrong. She was just acting all crazy for no reason.

I kept looking over my shoulder at her and not paying attention to where I was running or what was on the ground and I tripped over something and twisted my ankle. When I fell to the ground I cried out in pain and grabbed my ankle. I should have kept running because before I knew it I felt another lash from the belt came down on me. Only this one didn't hit me on my butt, arms or legs. Not even my back. This one came across my face. I screamed so loud that my throat hurt. I tried to get up and move but my mother stepped on my ankle to prevent me from going anywhere.

"You little whore. You thought you could sneak out the fuckin house and go see some little nasty ass nigga. I bet you fuckin now aint you? I'm gonna teach your ass about being a whore. When I'm done beatin the shit out of you, you will never take your whore ass outside again" she yelled. I cried out as the belt hit me over and over again. I tried to protect myself from the belt, but it was like something came over her and each last hut worse than the one before.

She didn't even give a damn where she hit me. She just hit me over and over again. From my head to my feet and any space in between. I heard other voices in the background, but they were faint. Even her voice began to get faint. It was like I couldn't hear anything that good anymore. The last thing I did hear before I blacked out was "You are just like that mutherfucker. Always taking shit from me. Every single time I turn around there you are. Looking just like him. Sometimes I wish you were never born"

And that was the last thing I heard before I blacked out!!

FIND OUT HOW FAR SANDRA GOES ON 7/27/2014

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Born in Chicago, Illinois Drea Delgado is the newest author on the urban fiction scene. Drea has been writing since she was thirteen years old. At the urging of a friend, she began to write her first untitled novel over the course of a few years. Having shown it to a few friends, they urged her to write, but she never took it seriously.

She won many awards throughout high school for writing. It was in high school where she discovered her love of reading starting with the legendary Donald Goines novels. Drea began to get serious about writing during a very low point in her life. She would sit for hours on end and just write until she couldn't write anymore.

Drea is the author of the Groupie Chronicles series, Professional Freak, Memoirs of an R & B Housewife, and Loyalty & Respect.

An author, business owner and Pre Law student at a local university. She resides in Lansing, Illinois with her family and five pets, which include two fish (Snowflake & Goldy), two frogs (Melina and Dakota) and a Collie/Chow Mix (Smokey).

Drea currently publishes under K.T.L Publications.

Visit her website at:

Facebook Fan Page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Drea-Delgado/424102810966562

Via Email:

authordreadelgado@gmail.com

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LOYALTY & RESPECT: MINA'S STORY

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