 
### Table of Contents

Title Page

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

Nurse Nancy *

The General and the Nurse

Small Consolation

All Mixed Up

Canadian Hospital **

Keep Your Motor Running

A Terrific Combination

I've Been Hit

Your Order is Ready

Proctologist Exam

Emergency Surgery

Three Roses **

Financial Responsibility

Goodbye Old Friends **

Cloudy Urine Sample

I Need a Second Opinion

Ain't She Cute

Nasty Nurse

Chapter 2 - Parent & In-Law Jokes

Late Night Surprise **

Mother's Operation

Do as You Wish

Twenty Years Ago Today

Jewish funeral

Runs in the Family

Stateside Burial

Skin Graft

Mother-in-law Trouble

Have a Nice Trip

Not Taking Any Chances

The Lesser of Two Evils

Tell Momma the Problem

Small Change **

God Will Provide

Meet the Family

Happy Mother's Day

The Gravy Ladle

The Farmer's Daughters

Don't Say a Word *

The Old Foot in the Mouth

A Bit Hasty

Another Chance

I'll Miss My Train

Home from Camp *

Dangerous Mule

Tell Mother goodbye *

Great temptation **

Guilty of Bigamy

Relatively Speaking

Chapter 3 - Poker & Gambling Jokes

Poker Night Strategy

Mother's Operation

The Vanishing Poker Game

Can You Spare Two Bucks

Lucky Roll

I'll Take that Bet *

Really Bad Hands

The Old Bar Fly *

Card Playing Dog

Playing Cards **

Got You Beat *

Good Luck and Bad Luck

A Medical Emergency

My Dad Taught Me

An Old Mummy

High Stakes Game

The Vegas Cabbie **

Be Discreet

The Hairless Maid *

Willie's Gambling Problem *

Play Your Age

Betting the Bartender **

Late Night Surprise **

The Ominous Voice

Blessing Race Horses

Father's Occupation

Won Big in Vegas

Late Night Poker Game

The Bad Looser

The Final Table

Ladies Day

Lucky Frog

Money Down the Crapper

Chapter 4 - Police & Prison Jokes

That's My Story

Big Break

Too Drunk to Drive

The Traffic Cop **

I didn't Say It

Blonde in a Speeding Car

Speed Trap

The Roadblock

Blonde Escapes from Prison

Black Box Recordings

Old Gus

Rural First Aid

Twenty Years Ago Today

Blonde Detective Trainees

Yellow Snow

Safety First

Everyone's Busy

The CIA Interview

Monkey Business

Escaped Convict

I've Been Robbed *

Dangerous Customer

Stress Relief

Texas State Trooper

A Very Important Person

Traffic Jam

Horrific Accident

Burglary Investigation

Unusual Circumstances

Status Symbols

No Big Deal

Let's Toast our Friendship

Amish Moving Violation

Avoiding Arrest

We Always get our Man

Crazy Drivers

Chapped Lips *

Computer Nerds

Fairy Tale Romance *

Powerful Message

Irish Drunk Driver

The Big Bank Heist

The Border Guard

Cops at Lovers Lane

Truckload of Penguins

Eating an Eagle

Purebred Police Dog

Lost in the Park

Appropriate Punishments

April Fool

Assassin Compassion

The Blonde Cop

Inside Information

Dangerous City Streets

Prison Humor

The Voice of Authority

Now Smile

The Diving Accident

I'll Call You Back

Almost Home

Moving Violation

Driving Too Slow

A Message for Santa

One Seat per Customer

The Helpful Wife

We're Busted

Ain't That a Bitch

The Blonde State Trooper

Irish Border Guard

Talking Dog for Sale *

Reporting a Robbery

Yankee Truck Driver

Blonde at the Bus Stop

Indecent Exposure

The Night Watchman

A Bad Bust

Good Luck and Bad Luck

Police Dog in Action **

Step Away from the Squirrel

Easy Catch

Sobriety Test

Early Release

A Really Bad Assignment

How Did You Know?

I've Been Waiting for You

Exaggerated Report

Bloodshot Eyes

Policeman Joke

Accident Report

A Disgraceful Sight

Unreasonable Cop

Crazy Cyclist

Old Couple and the Cop

May I See Your License

Going the Wrong Way

Illegal Alien

Polish Truck Drivers

Police Detective Interview

The Parking Ticket

Another Miracle

Rabbi Gives Last Rites

Checking the Axle

Viagra Highjacking

Double Blonde Robbery

The Blonde and the RV

Dangerous Situation

Drunk Driver's Rights

Blonde Traffic Cop

Russian Border Guards

New Siberian Convict

One Smart Cop

Fresh Meat

No Last Name

Jungle Mugging

Get Out of Town **

Wisconsin State Trooper

Stuck Under a Bridge

Radar Trap Ahead

Automated Radar Ticket

Can't Find My Car

Free at Last *

Is it Jimmy Hoffa?

Pedestrians and Catholics

Lost My Ring

Furry Fury

Soviet Technology

Damned Women Drivers

Almost Inseparable

Guilty of Bigamy

Tough Sobriety Test

Just the Right Spin

Enterprising Old Woman

The Weary Prisoner

Have You Been Drinking?

A Patrolman's Dream

What a Relief

Strongest Guy in the Bar

Chapter 5 - Political Jokes

Interviews with God

Donald Trumps Wake

Yellow Snow

Good News and Bad News

Clinton in Heaven

Happy Mother's Day

Still a Virgin

The Price is Right

Let's be Fair About This

Presidential Clock

Wall of Clocks

I'm Not Talking

New Rules

Fully Operational

Christmas in Washington

A Slight Accent

No Special Privileges

the Jackass and the Mayor

Last but not Least

An American Holiday

Take That You Cad

The Fastest Dad

The Wizard of Oz

Hillary's Future

Peace Talks

Mutual Agreement

Urgent Military Update

Play Ball

The Fishing Hole

Young Texans

Stupid People

Dubya Speaks his Mind

Do You Know Who I Am?

Sharp Administration

Political Puppies

A Real Tragedy

Pulling in an Easy Buck

It Must be You

The Presidential Parrot

Arkansas Razorbacks

Busload of Politicans

Money from God

You Can Buy Happiness

Four Smart Dogs

Saving the President

Matzo Ball Soup

You Got Me Pregnant

A Drastic Approach

A Post Turtle

Anything You Want *

Charles deGaulle Retires *

Rush Linbaugh's chauffeur

I Amend My Statement

Pending Legislation

Grasshopper and the Ant

Genie and the Bureaucrat

No Shovels

The Generous Barber

Protecting the President

Presidential Lunch

The 11th Commandment

An Important Decision

The Mexican Student *

Genie and the Intern **

Cannibal Cafe

Politics Simplified

What Might Have Been

New Government Bonds

Clinton in Hell

Another Stained Dress **

Postal Service Employment *

Jesse Jackson

Saddam Doubles

Politics in 2004

A Test of Bravery

Soviet Succession

The Royal Robbery

Anothr Glass of Water

Election Day Agreement

Lewinski Limericks **

Campaigning Tips

Cultural Euphemisms **

One Final Debt

Questions for Hillary

Puny Alligator

Blondes and the Law

Blonde Casualty

Royal Wedding Night **

The Royal Coach

Medical Marvels

Three Surgeons

Chapter 6 - Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

Looks Like I'm Cured

Unscheduled Appointment

Strange Dream Again

A Cheaper Cure

Not My Subject

Ready for Release

Bad Advertising

A Real Horse Lover

A Nutty Baseball Game

Simple Mental Quiz

Goodbye Old Friends **

Good Solution

How Often?

Theme Party ***

Obsessive behavior

Scholarly Texan

I Think I'm a Dog

Obsessed with Sex

Psychiatric Hotline

Embarrassing Situation

Guilty and Depressed

Start at the Beginning

Waiting Room Conversation

Revolutionary Development

Your Kleptomania is Cured

Blonde in Therapy

Assertive Husband

A Survey Discrepancy

Objective Analysis

A Trip to Chicago **

Complicated Relationship

Obvious Treatment

Stand Up Stupid

Premature Diagnoses

Sex Exercise Therapy *

Three Psychiatrists

Losing My Memory

The Boy Next Door

Routine Treatment **

Treating the Nympomaniac *

Schizophrenia

Asylum Humor

I Can Help You

Rehabilitation Program *

He Thinks He's a Chicken

A Slight Perversion **

You Need Help

Blonde on the Road

American Pride

He Looked Very Angry

A Peculiar Problem **

Experimental Drug **

Crazy Carpenter

Who is in Room 24

Walking Your Dog?

Insane Behavior

Hit the Penny

Suburban Sex Survey

Eccentrick Psychiatrist

Choosing a Barber

ESP Lecture

I Might be a Nympho

Do You Know the Time

Just Too Noisy

You're an Anomaly *

Your Problem is Obvious *

Easily Explained

Marriage Seminar

Loonies Night Out

Blonde and the Shrink

Chapter 7 - Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

The Roadblock

Hit the Motherload *

Redneck Romance *

A Bit Hasty

Down Home Party

Dixie Christmas

Black Box Recordings

No Pain - No Gain

Fruits of Love *

A Good Old Boy *

Let's be Practical

Not Old Enough *

Fancy Contraption

A Letter from Down Home

Redneck Brain Teaser

Arkansas State Census Form

Hickphonics Dictionary

Won for Sure

Bubba Claus

Poor Old Bubba *

Redneck Christmas Eve

Cossing the River

Everybody's Named David

Rednecks to the Rescue *

They Just Keep a Coming

Directions to the Restroom

Redneck Birth Control

Fancy Book Learning

You Can't Cheat Me

Poetry Contest *

Southern Sex Education *

Alabama Football Fans

Now Smile

You're Still Too Young

Redneck First Aid

Very Old Grave

Pure Logic

Redneck Olympians

Lawyers Served Here

Sport Analogies

Yankee Truck Driver

Redneck Fishing Trip

Big Old Alligator

Redneck Elk Hunters

The Farmer's Divorce

Indian Mating Call

Borrowing the Truck ***

A Really Tough Test

The Redneck and the Nun **

Redneck Carpenters

Hillbilly Interview *

Cheating Redneck Wives

Turn to Stone

Redneck Pickup Routine

Robot Bartender

Switching Sides

The Recneck's Bad Breath

Tight Shoes

Redneck Toilet Paper

Relly Ugly Shoes

Redneck Testicles

Fix the Outhouse

The Ghost Car

French Terror Alert

Rednecks and Religion

Redneck Duck Hunters

Blessing Race Horses

Rich TV Evangelist

Moosehead Beer **

Cows and Aliens

Southern Biker

Crude Oil

Tough Sobriety Test

Redneck in Vegas

Terry's Joke Collection

#

# Terry's Joke Collection

# Volume VII

Nurse to Redneck Jokes

# Terry Eade

Copyright 2017 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370100132
Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the seventh of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device's ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry's Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say "Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool." The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These "facts" were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at teade@mac.com.

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for "Terry Eade." 

# Chapter 1

# Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a nurse at a football game may appear here and in the Sports & Recreation Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Nurse Nancy *

Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy.

''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!''

''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!''

All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway.

''Oh my god! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!''

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The General and the Nurse

The crusty old general had to spend a couple of days in the base hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses and the orderlies because he bossed them around just like he did his troops in the field. Even the throngs of cards and flowers from well wishers and brown nosers did not brighten him up. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

One morning a young nurse came in and tried to take his temperature. The general told her it wasn't necessary and he wasn't going to comply. Not knowing what to do the young nurse went to the Head Nurse.

The head nurse was an equally crusty old major and she was not about to have the old general giving her nurses any more trouble. She came into the general's room and announced, "I have to take your temperature and I don't want any crap out of you. You may be a general, but this is my floor and you'll do what I say." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the Head Nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out.

He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the general's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the general answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor responds, "Not with a daffodil."

# Small Consolation

This guy is in the hospital with two badly mangled legs that he got from a car crash.

The nurse comes into the room that he is in and says that she has good news and bad news.

The guy asks for the bad news first.

The nurse says, ''We're going to have to amputate both of your legs.''

Then the guy asks for the good news.

The nurse says, ''The guy beside you wants to buy your sneakers.'

# All Mixed Up

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

Receptionist: "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

Mr. Smith: "What do you mean?"

Receptionist: "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

Mr. Smith: "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?"

Receptionist: "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

Mr. Smith: "Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

Receptionist: "The doctor recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

# Canadian Hospital **

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

"Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"

The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly."

"Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"

The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

_** Risque_

# Keep Your Motor Running

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."

He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

# A Terrific Combination

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be any better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet--and that's it. I go out like a light." The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushed off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing?" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

# I've Been Hit

Betty had waited until the men on the fairway ahead of her had gotten out of her range before she teed up her ball and hit her drive. She was quite surprised when her drive went over two hundred yards and was heading straight for the men ahead. She started yelling fore, waving her arms, and running toward them.

Her call came two late, as one of the men in the fairway clasped his hands in his crotch and begin to roll around. Horrified, Betty rushed up the fairway to see what she could do. When she got to the man he was still rolling around on the ground in pain and his buddies where just standing there watching him.

"I'm a nurse," said Betty, as she unzipped his pants and started massaging his genitals. "Now doesn't that feel better?" she said after having massaged him for a few minutes.

"Well actually it feels pretty good," says the injured man, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."

# Your Order is Ready

An doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, maybe I can figure it out."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead paramedic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read:"Four orders of spaghetti - two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

# Proctologist Exam

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The receptionist told him to have a seat in the examination room and that the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man sat down and began observing the tools, he noticed there was a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer on a stand next to the doctor's desk.

When the doctor finally came in, the man said "Look Doc, I'm a little confused. This is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but can you tell me what the beer is for?"

At that the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse........Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light."

# Emergency Surgery

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that in keeping with an emerging trend, her pubic hair had been dyed green. Above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgical nurse wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

# Three Roses **

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, thats really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?"

"Thats from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!"

_** Risque_

# Financial Responsibility

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun essayed.

"Just my sister in New York," he volunteered. "But she's a spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not 'spinsters;' they are married to God."

"Really...wonderful," said Smith. "In that case, you can send the bill to my brother-in-law!

# Goodbye Old Friends **

There is an elderly, blind Russian man in a mental hospital that thinks he will die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.

"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Krustchov."

"Nikita Krustchov? But he is dead for a long time," says the nurse.

"I don't care. I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"

The nurse doesn't know what to do. Then she thinks of something. Since the old man is blind, the nurse takes out of her bra her beautiful breast and offers it to the man. He holds it, caresses it, and is very moved.

"Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" he says.

He keeps kissing the breast. The nurse begins enjoying the whole situation.

"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" she asks.

"Yes! Is he here too?" the man asks.

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her other breast.

"Oh my dear president, how happy I am to see you here," says the man kissing Eisenhower again and again.

The nurse likes all that very much, so she asks the man again, "What about Fidel Castro?"

_** Risque_

# Cloudy Urine Sample

Harold was a grumpy old man. He was sick and in the hospital, so he was even more cantankerous than usual. There was one perky, young nurse that just drove him crazy. "And how are we doing this, morning, or are we ready for a bath, or are we hungry?" Old Harold had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day, after Old Harold had breakfast, he pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So . . . you know where the juice went.

The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today...."

At this , Old Harold snatched the urine sample bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe, I can filter it better this time!"

The nurse fainted . . . Old Harold just smiled from ear to ear .

# I Need a Second Opinion

As the doctor came through the lobby of his office, his receptionist stopped him and handed him the phone.

"Who is the call from?" asks the doctor.

"I don't know," says the receptionist. "I just need a second opinion."

"To determine what?" asks the doctor.

"To determine," says the receptionist, " If this is a patient with a respiratory problem or just an obscene phone call."

# Ain't She Cute

Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies)

"Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled... isn't she adorable?"

Friend: "But your kid didn't smile."

Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

# Nasty Nurse

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basics.

How much do you weigh?" she asks.

"130," I say.

The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 160.

The nurse asks, "Your height?"

"5 foot 7," I say.

The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 2".

She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.

"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

She put me on prozac.

# Chapter 2

# Parent & In-Law Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about an Italian mother-in-law may appear here and in the Nationality & Ethnic Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Late Night Surprise **

Dave's friends came up to him after work on friday afternoon and tell him that Earl's wife is out of town and he has decided to host an impromptu poker game at Earl's house. Dave tells them "No, I can't. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late."

One of Dave's friends says "When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex."

So Dave goes out with his friends, plays poker till midnight, makes a little money, and has a great time. When he gets home at one in the morning, he goes into his room in the dark and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After awhile, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there.

When Dave gets to the bathroom he's stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get here?" he asked.

"Shhhh," she replied. "My Mom came to visit us and she is sleeping in our bedroom."

_** Risque_

# Mother's Operation

Mike approaches his old buddy Bob at the local casino. "Bob," says Mike, "I'm glad I found you today, I despirately need to borrow $10,000 and I need it today."

"What do you need $10,000 for and what is the hurry?" asks Bob.

"My mother despirately needs an operation and the doctor says it will cost $10,000. I hate to ask a friend for a loan of this size, but frankly you are my last hope. If mom doesn't get the surgery quickly she may not survive," pleads Mike.

"Wait a minute," says Bob, "I just remembered that the big poker tournament is comming up in a couple of days, and the entry fee is exactly $10,000. Are you sure you don't intend to use the $10,000 to enter the poker tournament?"

"No way," says Mike, "I've had that money saved and set aside for months now."

# Do as You Wish

Max sat at the bar totally dejected. The bartender served him his second drink and said, "What's wrong pal?"

"I'll never understand women." Max said. "The other night my wife threw me a birthday party. She told me that later on, as her gift to me, I could do with her whatever I wanted."

"Wow!" said the bartender. "But why so unhappy? That sounds like quite a gift to me."

"Well, " Max went on, "I thought about it and sent her home to her Mother. Now she won't even speak to me."

# Twenty Years Ago Today

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

# Jewish Funeral

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, her son-in-law cries out, "Watch out for the wall!

# Runs in the Family

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, he said, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family."

"Your mother's side or your father's?" the physician asked.

"Neither," the patient replied. "It's from my wife's family."

"Oh, come now," said the physician. "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?"

The patient just sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

# Stateside Burial

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do."

The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price".

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!"

# Skin Graft

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin...

However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!!!

He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"

# Mother-in-law Trouble

Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter?

Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month!!

What's so bad about that? You should celebrate the event!!

No, no, see...that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day...

# Have a Nice Trip

John's mother-in-law had moved in with John and his wife over a year ago and the arrangement had never sat very well with either John or the Mother-in-law and they were constantly at each other's throat. One morning while John was having his morning coffee he saw his mother-in-law headed toward the front porch with a broom. Without looking up, John said: "Have a nice trip."

At this the Mother-in-laww wheeled around and said:" What do you mean, have a good trip? I'm just going out to sweep up the front porch."

"Oh," said John with a smirk," I When I saw you headed out the front door with your broom, I thought you were going to fly off somewhere."

# Not Taking Any Chances

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death.

It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.

He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!"

# The Lesser of Two Evils

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's teenage daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

# Tell Momma the Problem

A couple gets married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs. The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running downstairs.

"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair all over his chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!"

The mother says to her, "He's your husband, you do what he wants you to. Now go back upstairs."

When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants. This sends her running back down to her mother. "Momma, Momma! It's terrible! He has hair all over his legs!"

The mother tells the girl, "Look, he is your husband, you are his wife. You go back upstairs and do what he wants."

The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes and socks. She looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing. She goes crying back down the stairs. "Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half!"

"You stay here," says the mother. "I'll go upstairs!"

# Small Change **

A young Jewish girl come home one day and announces, "Ma, I got married."

"Oy, that's great," her mother says.

"But Ma, he's an Arab," the girl continues.

Her mother replies, "Oy, that's terrible!"

"But Ma," the girl goes on, "He's an Arab sheik. He's wealthy beyond your wildest dreams. You and daddy are going to live in the lap of luxury for the rest of your lives!"

Six months later, the girl walks into the house and says, "Ma, I love my Arab sheik, but my God, all he wants to do is screw me in the rear. Day and night, that's all he wants to do. When we got married, my asshole was the size of a dime, now it's the size of a silver dollar!"

Her mother says, "So, for ninety cents you're going to make trouble?"

_** Risque_

# God Will Provide

A young Jewish woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," the fiancee replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God.

# Meet the Family

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship had gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.

So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the family (17 or so people) were gathered around the dining room table.

The matriarch or the family asked the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family members who splashed her face with water. Finally, she regained consciousness, returned to her seat. Soon, the family calmed down and resumed the meal.

At that point, the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly.... what is your occupation?"

Again the girl answered, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!

# Happy Mother's Day

The young gay man calls his Jewish mother to wish her a happy mother's day. In addition to the present and the card he had already mailed to her he had a special present he wanted to deliver to her personally.

"Mom," he began, "I know that all these years that you have not approved of my gay lifestyle, so you will be glad to know that that is all behind me now and I have returned to being a heterosexual."

"Oh, that's wonderful," says the mother.

"Not only that," continues the son, "but I have met a wonderful girl and we plan to get married later this year."

"That's so good to hear," says the mother, "I suppose it would be too much to ask if she was Jewish?"

"Not only is she Jewish," says the son, "she is from a very prominent Beverly Hills family and her father is a doctor!!"

"Oh, this is too good to be true," says the mother, "what is her name?"

"Monica Lewinsky" says the son.

After a brief pause the mother says "What ever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

# The Gravy Ladle

A graduate student named John invited his mother over for dinner at his off-campus appartment. During the meal his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So, he sat down and wrote, "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But, the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But, the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

# The Farmer's Daughters

There once was a farmer who was raising three daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss.

The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way.

The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went.

The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck --" and the farmer shot him

# Don't Say a Word *

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price, but its missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.

"No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word," She tells him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't done any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend throws her on the table and drills her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

A few minutes later he grabs her mom throws her on the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the table.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline. Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and screams, "Okay, enough already. I'll do the fucking dishes!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Old Foot in the Mouth

A teenage boy goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The teenager makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes with constant references to understanding and forgiveness.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."

# A Bit Hasty

A young man had returned to his folk's farm in the hills of Arkansas and was telling his family about the great girl he had met in the big city. He was anxious to ask her to marry him, but wanted to get his family's blessing before he popped the question. So he was extolling her virtues and making her sound as acceptable as possible.

"She is really good looking, is a great cook, loves kids, has a great personality, she is willing to work hard, she is healthy as a horse, and to top it off -- she is still a virgin"., exclaims the son.

"Well it sounds like you are really sold on her," exclaims the father, "but I think you might be acting a bit hasty."

"What could possibly be wrong with her?'" asks the son.

"Well if she isn't good enough for her own family, why do you think she is good enough for ours?", says the father.

# Another Chance

Sara Goldstein was employed by a clothing firm in New York. She and her widowed mother shared the same ambition: marriage to a wealthy man.

One day she returned from work, eyes red from crying. As soon as she entered the apartment she called, "Mama, I'm pregnant and the father of my unborn child is my boss."

The next morning, the mother charged into the office of the boss. "You bastard," she shouted, "What do you intend to do about the situation you've created for my daughter?"

The elegantly attired man, handsome and unmarried and in his mid thirties, held up his hand: "Please take a seat, Mrs. Goldstein. I'm making all the arrangements. Your daughter will have the best doctor money can buy before the baby is born. She'll be in the best hospital. And for afterward I am arranging for a trust fund for her where she will receive a check for twenty five hundred dollars a month."

The mother was taken aback and thought for a moment. "Tell me," she said, "God forbid, she should have a miscarriage, will you give her another chance?

# I'll Miss My Train

A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.

Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming, "My god! It's already three P.M. I'm about to miss my train!" She begins to put her clothes on in a hurry.

At this moment, the son-in-law's daughter runs up to her and before he can do anything and announces, "Don't hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!"

# Home from Camp *

The young marine had just finished boot camp and was home on leave at his parents farm in the bible belt of Iowa. He really stood out with his buzz haircut and his sharply pressed uniform, but even more noticeable was the colorful language he had picked up in the Marine Corps.

That night at dinner he turned to his mother and said "Could you pass the fucking butter?"

At this his mother clasped her hand over her mouth in disbelief, started crying and had to leave the table.

After dinner his father took him outside and had a talk with him. "I know you are all grown up now and that you are exposed to some pretty rough language from your buddies in the service, but this is Iowa and we don't talk like that here, so while you are home you had better clean up your act and not give your mother any more grief."

The next night at dinner, the young marine appologised to his mother for his bad language and said that he would really try and act better around them.

Later in the meal he turned to his mother and said "Pardon me mother, would you please pass the butter?"

Both parents beamed at the improvement.

Then the son grined and said "Thought I was going to fuck up didn't ya?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Dangerous Mule

Deep in the Tennessee hills, a farmer's mule kicked his mother-in-law to death. An enormous crowd of men turned out for the funeral. The minister, examining the crowd outside the church, commented to a farmer friend, "This old lady must have been mighty popular. Just look how many people left their work to come to her funeral."

"They're not here for the funeral," snickered the friend. "They're here to buy the mule."

# Tell Mother Goodbye *

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the dog shoots back in. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "the stupid old bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a broom stick to get her to come out. Then she was so afraid of being put out in the cold for the night she ran downstairs and hid in the basement. Since we are running late I just locked her down there for the night!"

"Do you think she will be all right down there all night?" says the taxi driver in a concerned tone.

"Yea," says the husband, "there are some old rags in the corner she can sleep on and some water on the floor by the hot water heater if she gets thirsty. I just hope she doesn't shit behind the furnace again.!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Great Temptation **

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!

_** Risque_

# Guilty of Bigamy

A rookie state patrol officer in rural Utah brings in a local farmer to the local Justice of the Peace and charges him with bigamy. After hearing the complaint and questioning the farmer, the Justice of the Peace lets the guy go home.

"Didn't he admit that he was a bigamist?' Says the rookie.

"Yep," says the Justice of the Peace.

"And isn't bigamy against the law?" Says the rookie.

"Of course it is." says the Justice of the Peace.

"Then," says the rookie, "why did you let him go?"

"I think," says the Justice of the Peace, "he's been punished enough."

"How is that?" Says the rookie

"Well," Says the Justice of the Peace, "he has two mother-in-laws."

# Relatively Speaking

A farmer and his wife drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

# Chapter 3

# Poker & Gambling Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a hooker in a poker game may appear here and in the Hooker & Stripper Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Poker Night Strategy

Five guy's were playing at their regular Friday night poker game. They had been playing cards, telling jokes, drinking beer, eating junk food, and generally having a great time.

At about twelve-thirty Jim says "I have to make this my last hand, it's getting late and I have to be getting home.

"Why," ask his friends "you don't have to go to work tomorrow? Besides if you leave it will break up the game."

"Well," says Jim "last week I played until three AM and then when I got a block from home I put the car in neutral, turned the headlights off and coasted the rest of the way home by the light of the street lights. I tapped the brakes as I glided into the driveway got out of the car and gently closed the door. I took off my shoes and then opened the front door very quietly. Then I got undressed in the downstairs hallway, climbed the stairs in the dark, entered the bedroom without a sound, placed my clothes on a chair, and slid into bed without a sound. At that point my wife jumps out of bed flips on the light and hollers at me for almost an hour. I'm not going to go through that again this week."

"Perhaps you handled it wrong," says Terry "maybe you should take a different approach."

"Such as what?" says Jim.

"Alright," says Terry "let me tell you how I handled the same situation. I left here last week at the same time you did. When I got a block from home I put the car in second gear, roared up the block, got out of the car in the driveway and slammed the door, sang all the way up to the house. Slammed the front door, stomped up the stairs, threw open the bedroom door, flipped on the lights and said 'hey baby how about a little loving?' She didn't move a muscle."

# Mother's Operation

Mike approaches his old buddy Bob at the local casino. "Bob," says Mike, "I'm glad I found you today, I despirately need to borrow $10,000 and I need it today."

"What do you need $10,000 for and what is the hurry?" asks Bob.

"My mother despirately needs an operation and the doctor says it will cost $10,000. I hate to ask a friend for a loan of this size, but frankly you are my last hope. If mom doesn't get the surgery quickly she may not survive," pleads Mike.

"Wait a minute," says Bob, "I just remembered that the big poker tournament is comming up in a couple of days, and the entry fee is exactly $10,000. Are you sure you don't intend to use the $10,000 to enter the poker tournament?"

"No way," says Mike, "I've had that money saved and set aside for months now."

# The Vanishing Poker Game

A policeman walks into a bus station and sees four guys playing poker at a table in the bus station cafeteria. He walks up to the first guy and says "I'm running you in for illegal gambling in a public place."

"I'm not gambling officer," says the guy, " I just sat down here to wait for my bus."

"Then what is all that money doing in front of you on the table?" barks the cop.

"I was just counting my money to make sure I had enough for my trip," says the first guy.

So the cop turns to the the second guy and says: "I'm running you in for playing poker."

"I wasn't playing poker either officer," says the second guy, " I just sat down here to count my money and see if I could afford a bus ticket."

At this point the third guy says: "I wasn't playing poker either officer, I just sat down and started counting my money to see if I could afford to get some dinner."

"OK, OK", says the policeman, " you guys have got your excuses and I'm going to have to let you go.

He then turned to the fourth guy and says; "Not only do you have a pile of money in front of you but you were shuffling a deck of cards when I came into the building. I know you were playing poker and I have all the evidence."

"Me playing poker officer? says the fourth guy, "with who?"

# Can You Spare Two Bucks

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street, "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well dressed man responds, "You're not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

"No sir, I don't drink," the bum responds.

"You're not going to throw it away in a poker game are you?" asks the man.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.

"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, play poker or golf."

# Lucky Roll

Two bored dealers are manning an empty craps table for a large Las Vegas Casino at three O'clock in the morning. A very attractive blonde woman comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

After she has placed her bet, she says, "I hope you boys don't mind, but I'm a stripper by trade and I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she yanks off a one piece jump suit to reveal the most gorgeous body either of them has ever seen. Then while they are standing there gawking, with their eyes popping out of their heads, she rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollers .. "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" and begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I donno, I thought YOU were watching!"

# I'll Take that Bet *

During the Great Depression, there was this man who walked into a bar one day. He walked up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks". The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first". The guy pulls out a huge wad of bills and sets them on the bar. Well, the bartender can't beleive what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?", asked the bartender. "I'm a professional gambler", replied the man. The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?". "Well, I only bet on sure things" said the guy. "Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you $50 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender thought about it. "OK". So, the guy pulls out his false right eye and bites it. "Aw, you screwed me", said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50. "I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another $50 that I can bite my LEFT eye" said the stranger. The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet". So, the guy pulls out his false teeth and bites his left eye. "Aw, you screwed me again". "That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in leiu of the $50", said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing poker with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and poker playing, he stumbled up to the bar. The guy, drunk as a skunk, said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you $500 that I can stand on this bar here on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop".

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "OK, you're on". The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me $500!". The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's OK. I just bet each of the guys in the poker room $1000 each that I could piss all over you AND the bar and still make you laugh!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Really Bad Hands

Six guys are sitting around the table playing Texas Hold'em poker. No one calls the big blind and so the hand is folded and the big blind gets his money back along with two bucks from the small blind.

"What a rip." says the big blind, "I had pocket rockets and couldn't get a call."

"What are pocket rockets," says the sixth player, who is a new player.

"Pocket rockets are a pair of aces in the hole. They're called rockets because they look like rockets about ready to blast off," says the first player.

"I couldn't call." says the second player," I was in early position with a Broderick Crawford." Then realizing that the new player didn't know what a Broadrick Crawford was he explained. "A Broderick Crawford is a ten with a four, and we call in a Broderick Crawford because he stared in the TV series Highway Patrol, and was always on the poliice radio with his ten-four lingo'."

"I was in early position also," says the third player, "and all I had was a union oil. That's a seven with a six. We call it a union oil because their logo is a blue 76 on an orange ball."

"I couldn't call either," says the fourth player, " I had a Barbara Hutton, that's a five with a ten. We call it a Barbara Hutton because her Grandfather was F.W. Woolworth and started Woolworths, which was a five and ten cent store."

"I couldn't even call on the button," says the fifth player, "I had a Dolly Pardon. That's a nine with a five. We call it a Dolly Pardon because she stared in the movie nine to five."

The big blind then asked the new player: "Why didn't you call, you were the small blind and had half of your bet already in?"

"I couldn't call either," says the new player, "I also had a really bad hand... I guess I would call it a gay waiter."

"What is that?" says the first player, " We've never heard of a gay waiter."

"Oh," says the new player, "Thats a queen with a trey."

# The Old Bar Fly *

If ever there was a bar fly it was old Clyde. He spent most of his time in the local bar, where he would swap jokes, tall tales, or gossip for a drink. He was a colorful old guy and everybody liked him. One of the regulars named Jack had been out of town on business for a month and came back to the bar for a drink and to catch up on the news.

The minute Jack walked through the door, he spotted old Clyde at his favorite stool at the bar. Jack sat down beside Clyde and ordered a drink. Then he ask Clyde what he had been doing. Clyde's response was that everything in the bar, and in his life, had been pretty much the same for the last month, except for last Wednesday.

Jack asked "what happened last Wednesday?'

Clyde then became very animated as he relayed the story. "It was about ten in the evening when the cops staged a raid on the bar to break up the illegal poker game going on in the back room. It was a real wild night with lights flashing, sirens blaring and cops everywhere. I was in the men's room taking a piss when it all came down, and I got so excited, I zipped it right off!!!"

"Oh, come on Clyde you didn't really zip it off," Jack said laughingly.

"I sure did said Clyde", looking dead serious while he reaches into his right pants pocket and retrieves a small, brown cylindrical object and shows it to Jack, "and here it is."

Jack looks at the object in Clyde's hand and says "Clyde, that's just one of your old cigar butts."

Clyde puts the cigar butt on the bar and goes back into the same pocket and retrieves another object saying "here it is, I told you I wasn't lying."

Jack looks at the object in Clyde's hand and says "Clyde, that's just another cigar butt."

Clyde places the second cigar butt on the bar and is fishing in his left pants pocket when he retrieves an object, thrusts it under Jacks nose and says "no wonder I couldn't find it before, it was in my left pocket!"

"Sorry Clyde'" Jack responds "but it's just another cigar butt."

Clyde places the third cigar butt on the bar and looking puzzled as he pats down the rest of his pockets, says "you don't suppose I smoked it do you?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Poker Playing Dog

Walt is hosting a poker game and one of the players can't make the game. So Walt has his dog fill in for the absent player. He has taught the dog not only how to play the game, but also how to use his paws to peak underneath his holding and put out the appropriate number of chips for a call or a raise. After the game Sid, the last player to leave, tells Walt he can't believe what a good poker player the dog is and how Walt should take the dog to the local poker room where he would make a fortune.

"He's not ready for the big games yet", says Walt, "I still need to work with him on his play."

"Why not", says Sid, "he really played well tonight and won a bunch of money."

"Yea", says Walt, "I didn't want to say anything during the game tonight, but he has some tells that professional players are sure to pick up on at the poker room."

"I didn't notice any tells", says Sid, "what does he do?"

"Well for one thing", says Walt, "his tail wags when he gets a good hand."

# Playing Cards **

Johnny was walking down the hall and he heard his parents going at it and he hollered to his dad,

"Dad! Dad! what are you doing?"

His father replied, "I am playing poker."

Johnny asked, "Who are you playing with?"

Dad said, "Why, your mother."

So the little boy went on. A couple of days later, Johnny's father is walking down the hall and heard this racket going on in Johnny's room.

So the father hollers "Johnny, what are you doing in there?"

Johnny replied, "I am playing poker."

His dad kinda froze said, "Ummm, who are you playing with?"

Johnny replied, "With a hand this good you don't need another player!!!!!!"

_** Risque_

# Got You Beat *

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, where upon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

At that, the angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"

"Sorry Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a big pair."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Good Luck and Bad Luck

Neal would show up at the poker room every Tuesday morning, buy the minimum number of chips and play very tight hoping to make a few bucks. As soon as he would get ahead even ten bucks, he would cash out and leave, even if this meant breaking up the game. Not only did this practice irritate the other players, Neal would drive them crazy with his constant chatter and bragging all the time he was there.

One Tuesday Neal came in as usual and bought his twenty dollars in chips and started to hit lucky hands like crazy. In a short time he had amassed about three hundred dollars and then announced that he was cashing out and leaving the game. Happy as they all were to see Neal leave the game, they were disappointed that they would not have a chance to get their money back when Neal's hot streak was over.

Twenty minutes after Neal had left the game, he came back to the poker room. He announced that he was not going to get back in the game, but that he had been to the bank to deposit his winnings and just came back to visit with them. Actually he wanted to gloat about his big win and tell them all the things he planned to do with their money. This was the worst of all worlds, they had to listen to Neal brag and not even have a chance to get their money back.

Under those circumstances, one of the regular players named Chuck decided to cash out and leave even though he was still down a few bucks. As Chuck left the cardroom he noticed that Neal had parked in a five minute zone and there was a policeman writing him a ticket.

Chuck went up to the policeman and said: "Don't be a jerk, I've only been here a short period of time and I'm ready to leave."

"Well," said the policeman, "I was just giving you a warning, but now I'm going to write you a ticket."

"Don't you guys have something better to do than write tickets?" Chuck said, "Like eat donuts and drink coffee."

At this the officer inspected the tires and then said "Your tires are bald, and that's a serious safety issue, I'm going to write you up for that too."

"You're a real asshole," Chuck said, while the policeman wrote up the second ticket.

At this the cop went to the license plate and announced "You're license tabs expired a week a go, buddy that's going to cost you a bundle." And he proceeded to write up a third citation.

"Well if you're going to be that way about it," Chuck said, "I'm going to leave it there all day." and he turned around and walked back toward the poker room.

"That's fine," said the officer, "I'll have a tow truck here in two minutes, and you can pay for that as well."

Chuck looked out the window and noticed that the policeman was sticking a fourth ticket under Neal's windshield wiper before he called for the tow truck and departed.

Chuck walked into the back room where Neal was still droning on about his big win, and said: "Let me get you a cup of coffee Neal, I'd really like to hear how you plan to spend that three hundred dollars."

# A Medical Emergency

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

# My Dad Taught Me

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."

# An Old Mummy

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out."

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. "You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?"

"Simple...there was a piece of paper in his hand that said - put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."

# High Stakes Game

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that straightened out now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

# The Vegas Cabbie **

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost all his cash, had run his credit cards up to the max, and had nothing left but the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport then could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain His financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big time.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver in line.

_** Risque_
Be Discreet

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" says the wife.

"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

# The Hairless Maid *

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Willie's Gambling Problem *

Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything.

One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher. The teacher said. "Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose." Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.

The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, "Willie, I want you to remain after class." When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, "Dont say it, Miss B; I know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!"

"Willie!" the startled teacher said, "What are you talking about?"

"You're a fake!" Willie continued."How can I believe anything you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch black!"

Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie that isn't true."

"I'll bet a dollar it is!" Willie challenged.

The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson. "Make it five dollars and you have a bet," she said.

"You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head.

Willie hung his head. "You win," he said, handing her the fiver.

Miss. B couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines," she said, "I think we've finally taught him his lesson."

"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Play Your Age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

# Betting the Bartender **

A fellow sitting in a bar noticed that the bartender was staring at him. Each time he'd look away and finally came over, a bit embarrassed.

"I'm sorry sir, let me buy you a drink."

He accepted and accepted the subsequent two apologies and drinks.

"Really sir, surely you know this, you must be the ugliest man I've ever seen and I can't keep from staring at you."

"You think I'm pretty ugly? That ugly? Are you a betting man?"

"Well it depends on what I'm betting on, but I do bet from time to time."

"Do you see that cute little blonde sitting over there with that young man? I've got $50 that says I'll go over there and pick her up."

The bartender accepted immediately, plopping his $50 on the bar next to the customer's who had started to approach the table but wheeled and came back.

"I've got another $50 that says that I'll pat her on the fanny as we walk by you and she'll give you a wink."

The bartender quickly added another $50 and shortly after that the guy walked out with the blonde on his arm and as they went by he patted her on the fanny, she winked at the bartender, and the guy collected the win.

Astonished the bartender went over to the table where she had been sitting to quiz the young man she had been with, he was sitting there with a stunned look on his face.

"My gosh fellow, I'm amazed! What did he do? What did he say?"

"Nothing! Nothing at all! He just stood there; licking his eyebrows..."

_** Risque_

# Late Night Surprise **

Dave's friends came up to him after work on friday afternoon and tell him that Earl's wife is out of town and he has decided to host an impromptu poker game at Earl's house. Dave tells them "No, I can't. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late."

One of Dave's friends says "When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex."

So Dave goes out with his friends, plays poker till midnight, makes a little money, and has a great time. When he gets home at one in the morning, he goes into his room in the dark and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After awhile, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there.

When Dave gets to the bathroom he's stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. "How did you get here?" he asked.

"Shhhh," she replied. "My Mom came to visit us and she is sleeping in our bedroom."

_** Risque_

# The Ominous Voice

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG !

He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG !

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN !

Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE !

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27 !

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball.

.....

The ball lands on 26.

The deep voice says: SHIT !

# Blessing Race Horses

Bubba was from Alabama and was a hard-shell Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot,

the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest.

He demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

# Father's Occupation

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds that Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

# Won Big in Vegas

A blonde drunk and a brunette drunk are sitting in a back alley sharing a cheap bottle of wine. The brunette bum tells the blonde that he was once a wealthy stock broker until the market went bad and then he lost all his money and his job as well. He then asks the blonde guy what his story was.

"Well," says the blonde bum, "I too was a successful businessman until I went to Las Vegas on a business convention and hit it big in a high stakes poker game. As soon as I got home, I moved out of my house and told my wife she could have the house, the car, and everything else. I had hated her for years and just wanted a quick divorce. Then I went to work the next morning, quit my job on the spot and told the boss what I really thought of him."

"So what about all the money you won in Vegas?" asks the bewildered brunette bum. "Are you sure that you won?"

"I can't figure that out either," says the blonde bum, "but I must have won, because I went to Vegas in a $25,000 car and came back in a $200,000 bus.

# Late Night Poker Game

Fred is approached by his boss and several of his co-workers in the company lunchroom. "Fred," says the boss, "were going to have another poker game at my house tonight and we need another player. Can we count you in?"

"I'd love to," says Fred, "but I promised my wife I wouldn't go to any more of your late night poker games. She had a fit the last time I staggered in drunk early in the morning."

"Look." says Fred's boss, "just tell her you had to stay and work late on an important project. If she ever checks up on it, I will back you up."

So Fred calls his wife and tells her he will have to work very late on an important assignment at work and that she should not wate up for him. Then he goes to the poker game and has a great time playing cards and drinking with his buddies.

At about two in the morning he staggers home. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, Fred sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.

In the morning, Fred awoke with searing pain in head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You weren't working late, you were playing poker and got drunk again last night."

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, "Now, hon I pormised you I wouldn't go to any more late night poker games, why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be your empty money clip, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes,---but,---- mostly....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!"

# The Bad Looser

George was a bad loser. When he was cleaned out in a poker game for very high stakes, he slapped his hand on the table and got up to leave. As he walked past, he couldn't resist insulting Max McTavish, the bald man who had cleaned him out.

As George walked past, he ran a hand over Max's bald head and said sarcastically, "Your bald head feels just like my wife's ass."

Not to be outdone, Max put a hand to his head and said, "By golly, George. You're right. It does!" 

# The Final Table

It was at the final table in a no limit Texas hold'em tournament at the local casino. A player in middle position, named Bob, raised the $6,000 big blind to $24,000 and everybody folded except the big blind, who tossed in another $18,000 in tournament chips to make the call.

When the flop came down with a 6,7,8 all offsuit, the little old lady in the big blind, named Beth, put out the minimum bet of $6,000. Bob hesitated for a few seconds, and then went all in. Beth quickly called all in with more chips than Bob.

Since they were playing 'heads up' and Bob was 'all in', he dealer had them turn over their cards. Bob had pocket Kings and Beth had a 5 and 9. Neither the turn or the river cards helped either player, and Beth won the pot with her nine high straight, knocking Bob out of the tournament.

Bob was irate. As he got up from the table he turned to Beth and said: "How could you make that call with only a 5-9 offsuit?"

"You're the one who made the bad bet," said Beth, "raising an obvious straight 'all in' with nothing but a pocket pair of kings."

"No," said Bob, "I mean how could you possibly call my raise before the flop with that crap hand? What kind of crack are you smoking?"

"Apparently Bob," said one of the other players, "she's smoking your crack -- you know, the one you have been sitting on all morning!"

# Ladies Day

Phil has been driving his Motorcycle across the Arizona desert all morning and is getting hot and hungry. He notices a sign on the highway advertising a new Indian casino just five miles up the road. Phil thinks this would be a great place to get off the bike and have some lunch. Also he rationalized, that since he has plenty of time, and it is so hot at this time of day, he could sit in the air conditioned card room for a few hours and play some poker. Then when the sun has gone down a little he could hop back on his bike and have a cool ride the rest of the way to Phoenix.

After a quick lunch in the casino restaraunt, Phil wanders into the poker room and notices that the room is filled with women. Phil asks the floor man what is going on.

"Oh you must be new here", says the floor man, "today is ladies day here at the casino."

"You mean I can't play poker here today?" Asks Phil in a disappointed tone.

"Well there's no reason you can't play," says the floor man, "as long as you are willing to play by the ladies day rules. "

"What are the ladies day rules and how are they different from your regular poker room rules?" asks Phil."

"There are three major departures from our regular rules," says the floor man. "The first difference is the chips and the table. Normally we play with white, red, and green chips with the casino logo on them. However, on ladies day the chips are ecru, mauve, and lime with a tasteful white wedgewood cameo in the middle. Then we put a nice lace table cloth over the green felt table and top it off with an attractive floral centerpiece."

"That's not a big problem" says Phil, "I can handle that -- what else?"

The second change," says the floor man, are the stakes. Instead of our normal $4 - $8 stakes, on ladies day the bets are $3.99 and $7.98. Also if you have clipped out the coupon from the local shopping news you can get a two for one bet."

"That's a little weird," says Phil, "but I guess I can handle that too. What is the third difference?"

"The third difference is in the dealing." says the floorman, "on ladies day we use the sale table method to distribure the cards to the players."

"What is the sale table method?" groans Phil.

"Well," says the floor man, "Instead of shuffling the cards and dealing them to the players, we turn the cards face down on the table mix them all up and then put a sign up that says 'Sale Table - half price'. That is the signal for all the women to crowd around the table and pick through the cards until they get five they like."

"Then the best hand wins?" asks Phil, wondering when the game starts to resemble poker.

"No, actually the group decides who the winner is based on he value of the poker hand, the players hairdo & personal grooming, and the attractiveness of the players outfit & accessories. With your dirty jeans, leather vest, and motorcycle boots, I'm afraid you won't do very well today."

"I guess you don't get many men playing on ladies day," says Phil.

"Not too many bikers," says the floor man, "but we do have an interior decorator named Lawerence and a hair dresser named Mr. Bruce, who seem to do quite well week after week."

# Lucky Frog

It was a long par four and Bob's drive had been to the right and not very long. He was now laying near a pond and had decided to play a nine iron to the center of the fairway. About the time he had decided on the safe play a frog sitting beside the pond said "bribip, four iron." Thinking this might be an omen, Bob takes out his four iron and plays the ball over the water, onto the green and the ball rolls up to the flag and drops onto the hole for an eagle. Bob is elated and picks up the frog and takes it with him.

For the rest of the game Bob asks the frog's recommendation on every shot and the frog advises Bob on the proper club selection and play. Bob finishes with the best game he has ever shot on that course. After the game is over Bob is convinced that the frog is truly lucky.

"What should I do next?" Bob asks.

"Bribip, Las Vegas" responds the frog.

Anxious to see if the frogs advice extends beyond golf, hops in his car and he and the frog take off for Las Vegas. As soon as they get checked into the casino, bob asks the frog what they should play and the frogs response is roulette. So they go to the roulette table. He then asks the frog what to bet on.

"Bribip, fourteen" says the frog.

So Bob puts $10 on 14 and the number hits and pays off 30 to 1. Bob now has $300. He continues to take the frogs advice until they have won a large amount of money and the frog advises Bob to quit and cash out. Bob takes the frog back to the room and has room service bring up a bottle of champaign to celebrate his great win.

"You are the one who has made all this possible" says Bob as he toasts the frog with a glass of champaign, "is there anything I can do to reward you?"

"Bribip, kiss me" says the frog.

As requested, he kisses the frog, who immediately turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl.

"And honestly judge, that's just the way it happened" says Bob.

# Money Down the Crapper

At a poker game in the Ozark mountains of rural Arkansas, a player named Clem got up from the table and walked out to the two hole outhouse behind the log cabin where they were playing. When he opened the outhouse door, he saw another old hillbilly named Zeke throwing poker chips down one of the open holes.

"What in tarnation are you doing?" asked Clem.

"Well," says Zeke, "when I was pulling up my overalls a dollar chip fell out of my pocket and down the hole."

"That's terrible," says Clem, "but why are you throwing more chips down the same hole?"

"Cause I ain't gonna to climb down there for just a buck!" says Zeke.

# Chapter 4

# Police & Prison Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a cop and a priest may appear here and in the Religion & Clergy Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# That's My Story

Biker rolling through town on his custom, fastest bike in town. He's going around a bend when he rolls up on a cop. The blue lights come on and out rolls the cop. The biker thinks, "He'll never catch me in that car" and takes off. Several miles later the cop is still behind him as he pulls over.

The cop walks up to the biker and asks for his license. Then the cop says, "OK. I've had a crappy day, and I'm ready to head home. Come up with a good excuse for speeding away from me and I'll let you go."

The biker looks at the cop and replies, "The old lady left me last week for a cop. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to bring her back."

Cop hands him his license and tells him to have a nice ride home.

# Big Break

Paul had been in solitary confinement in the State Prison for as long as he could remember. About the time he thought he was going to loose his mind from the isolation and boredom, a small ant found its way into his cell and became a distraction for him. Paul would share a few crumbs of his food with the ant and then spend hours conversing with him and teaching him tricks. Since neither Paul nor the ant had anything else to do they spent hours developing numerous routines for the little ant. By the time Paul had finished his twenty year sentence he had trained the ant to do all kinds of tricks.

When I get out I will be able to make a bundle of cash with my trained ant. This dream had sustained Paul through the years and kept him focused on his task. When he was finally released he was dieing for a drink and also to show someone what all his hard work had created. When he was released from prison they gave him a new suit of clothes and $20 in cash. He took a cab to the nearest bar and ordered a cold beer. As soon as he had taken a few sips of his beer he took a matchbox out of shirt pocket and set the ant on the bar. He then called the bartender to come over.

"See this ant," said Paul, pointing at his little buddy.

At that point the bartender walked over looked at the little ant, then swiftly crushed it with his thumb and said "sorry about that buddy, we try and keep the place real clean."

# Too Drunk to Drive

One night a police officer was staking out this particularly rowdy biker bar for possible violations of the "Driving-Under-The-Influence Laws".

At closing time, he sees a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on six different motorcycles before finding the right one. Once he has found the right bike he spends ten minutes putting on his jacket, helmet, and gloves. Then sits on seat, fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he starts the engine and begins to pull away.

The police officer waiting for him, stops the biker, reads him his rights and administers the breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demands to know how this could be possible.

The biker replies, "well, tonight I'm the DESIGNATED DECOY!

# The Traffic Cop**

The traffic cop was sitting beside a quiet highway with his radar gun waiting for a speeder to come along. It had been a slow day and the section of road he had been assigned had not had much traffic at all let alone any chance to give out a ticket. Suddenly he received a radio call from one of his fellow officers alerting him to a vehicle headed his way.

Shortly after the call had been received he spotted the car he had been called about. It wasn't hard to spot a small red Miata with the top down and a gorgeous blonde driving. When the red Mitia came by him car he took out after her with blinking lights and siren blaring. Within a few hundred yards he had pulled her over to the side of the road. As the cop approached the Mitia he started to unzip his fly.

Noticing this the blonde slaps her hand to her forehead and exclaims: "Not another breathalyzer test, this is the third one I've had today."

_** Risque_

# I Didn't Say It

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said --"Well yeah, if that's what they are -- I never heard of circle flies."

So the farmer says -- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

# Blonde in a Speeding Car

A blonde and a brunet were driving down the highway in the brunets new car. As they rounded the corner the brunet noticed a white state patrol car parked just off the highway on a gravel side road. Concerned about the speed she was going and the possibility she had been picked up by radar, she watched carfully in the rear view mirror to see if she was being followed. Although she could see a white car in the rear view mirror the image was so small she couldn't make out if it was a police car. After slowing down to the posted speed limit she turned to her blonde companion and asked her to look out the back window and see if the white car was in fact a police car.

The blonde then asked how she could tell if it was a police car. The brunet said if it was a police car it would have a red light on top. Then she asked again, is it a police car? The blonde replied, yes... no.. yes... no... yes... no.

# Speed Trap

A young guy is speeding across a bridge in his fancy sports car. Sure enough, a cop with a radar gun is sitting on the other side of the bridge.

The cop pulls him over, then walks up to the guy's car and asks,"What's the hurry?"

The guy replies, "I'm late for work, officer."

"Not that it makes any difference," says the cop"but what do you do?"

"Well, I'm a rectum stretcher."

"What? A rectum stretcher?"

The guy explains, "Yeah. I start with a finger, then work my way up to two fingers, eventually I get a hand in, then both hands, and I slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide."

The curious cop asks, "What do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

The guy answers, "Well, you give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge."

# The Roadblock

Earl and Clyde had been drinking beer all afternoon and were headed home when they spotted a police roadblock up ahead. Earl pulled the truck over to the side of the road and says to Clyde, "what are we gonna do? If I get caught drinking and driving one more time they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key."

Clyde thinks for a minute and then says "pull a couple of labels off those beer bottles and then will ditch all the empty bottles here beside the road." After the empty beer bottles have been disposed of Clyde takes the two labels wets them with his tongue and sticks them on his arm and on Earl's as well.

When they get to the roadblock, the sheriff says "have you boys been drinking again?" At this point Clyde rolls up his sleeve to show the beer bottle label and says "No Sir, we're on the patch."

# Blonde Escapes from Prison

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead escaped from prison. They were running along when they came upon a dock. On the dock were three gunnysacks. They could hear the cops approaching, so the brunette suggested that they get in the sacks. So they got in the sacks right before the cops arrived.

A cop kicked the sack with the redhead in it, and she said, "Ruff ruff ruff!"

He said, "Oh, it's only a dog."

He kicked the one with the brunette in it, and she said "Meow meow meow."

He said, "Oh, it's only a cat."

Then, he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and she said, "POTATOES POTATOES POTATOES!"

# Black Box Recordings

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were:

"Oh, Shit!"

Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Missouri, Georgia and Alabama were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer and watch this!"

# Old Gus

After a few months in prison, Wally was talking to a fella he met named Bill. They were talking about how things were on the outside and how they missed going to the bars and picking up women.

"Well if things get too bad," says Bill "I can fix you up with old Gus."

"No way," says Wally "I don't go for that shit."

A few months later Wally sees Bill in the exercise yard and says "If I were to have old Gus, just who would have to know about it?"

"Well," says Bill "You, me, old Gus of course, and then there's Pete and Eddie."

"Who are Pete and Eddie?" says Wally "and why would they have to know."

"Oh," says Bill "they're the two guys holding old Gus, he doesn't go for that shit either."

# Rural First Aid

There were two guys riding down the road on a motorcycle. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

But then he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. They continued driving down the road and came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked.

A nearby farmer called the police and reported the accident. The police asked him, "are they showing any sign of life?"

"Well," the farmer said, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!

# Twenty Years Ago Today

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember."

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

# Blonde Detective Trainees

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm... the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

# Yellow Snow

It was a crisp winter morning and President Clinton was out with his entourage of secret service men jogging around the white house grounds. Suddenly just off the path written in yellow in the snow was the message "Bill Clinton is an asshole." Bill is outraged not only is this a slur on him personally, but is also a potential security breach, since it is on the White House grounds. He immediately calls in his Chief of Staff and the Director of the FBI and asks them to investigate the matter.

That afternoon the Chief of Staff and the Director of the FBI meet with the President the oval office to bring him up to date on the progress of their investigation.

"Mr. President," begins the Chief of Staff, "we have good news and bad news."

"Give me the good news first," says Bill.

"The good news is that we took photos and samples of the yellow snow and had them analyzed in the FBI lab. We then matched DNA from the yellow snow against samples taken from the entire White House staff and determined that the urine was from a 29 year old gardener named Patrick Rilley. Mr. Rilley has been dismissed from federal service and his security clearance removed, reports the Chief of Staff.

"Great," says Bill, "what's the bad news."

"It was Hillary's handwriting," says the Chief of Staff.

# Safety First

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day. So she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out of the trunk jump two men in trench coats who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pileups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up.

The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the heck is going on here?"

My car broke down," says the blonde, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?!" asks the cop.

And she said, "They're my emergency flashers."

# Everyone's Busy

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello".

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice.

'"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes" came the answer."May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Needing to talk to someone, other than the child, who could get the father on the line, the boss asked " Is there anyone there besides you, your daddy, and your mommy?"

"Yes", whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "

Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle! "Me."

# The CIA Interview

The CIA had an opening for a special agent. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair, Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

# Monkey Business

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes." motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

The monkey shook his head, "Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

The monkey shook his head, "Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned, "Kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shook his head, "Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked."

The monkey shook his head, "Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving." motioned the monkey.

# Escaped Convict

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly, he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered,

"Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck, and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do, don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong, and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says,"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck; he was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, and I love you, too."

# I've Been Robbed *

A man walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you, sir?"

"Yesssh! Sssssshomebody stole my car!" the man replies.

The cop asks, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss right herrrrree at the end of thisss key!" said the man.

About that time the officer looks down to see that the man's penis is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looks down woefully and without missing a beat moans, "OOHHHHH GOD!!...they got my girlfriend, too!!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Dangerous Customer

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my fifth DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. (IT WAS VALID! ! !)

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. (THE DRIVER OWNED THE CAR! ! !)

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. (SURE ENOUGH, THERE WAS NOTHING IN THE GLOVE BOX! ! !)

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. (TRUNK IS OPENED; NO BODY! ! !)

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too!

# Stress Relief

During his first three-month evaluation, a rookie cop mentioned to the chief of police that the stress of the job was really starting to wear him down.

The chief told the young policeman that when he was a young cop, whenever he was feeling too tense, he'd go home and make love like crazy with his wife for about an hour, which always made him feel better and enabled him to return to work with a much better outlook.

The rookie considered this piece of wisdom and said it sounded like good advice; he'd give it a try and see if it helped.

The next week the chief called the kid in and asked how things were going. The new cop replied that, in fact, just that morning had experienced extreme stress and had followed his boss's suggestion, with great success. He felt great.

After being dismissed by his pleased superior, the rookie abruptly halted at the door and said, "Oh, Chief, I almost forgot. Your wife asked me to tell you to pick up some lamb chops for dinner."

# Texas State Trooper

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"

# A Very Important Person

The Pope had just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and was taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so he climbed into the back seat and the Pope got behind the wheel.

The Pope proceeds up U.S. 101, and begins accelerating just to see what the limo would do. He got up to 100 mph, and suddenly he saw the red and blue lights of the California Highway Patrol car in his mirror. He pulled the car over and stopped. The trooper got out, walked up to the window, and seeing who it was, said, "Excuse me, just a moment please, I need to call in."

The trooper called in and asked for the chief. He told the chief that he had a really important person pulled over and asked how he should handle it.

"It's not Ted Kennedy again, is it?" asked the chief.

"No Sir?" replied the trooper, "This guy's much more important than that."

"Is it the Governor then?" came the chief query.

"No! Even more important!:" the trooper again replied.

"My God! Is it the President?" the chief wanted to know.

"No! Even more important still, this is a VVIP!" said the trooper.

"Well," said the chief, "I give up, who the hell is it?"

"I think it may be God, " stammered the trooper, "he's in a long white limousine and he's got the Pope as his chauffeur."

# Traffic Jam

A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We're not even moving."

Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer...what's the holdup?"

"It's O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He's all depressed. He's lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn't have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"

"So far...ten gallons."

# Horrific Accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped, "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes, officer, I'm just fine," the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this tree pops up in front of me. So swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."

"Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for thirty miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

# Burglary Investigation

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a blind policeman."

# Unusual Circumstances

The old farmer decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning the farmer.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I was headed down the road--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well yes, but there is more to it than that, you see--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in the farmer's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I was driving down the highway with my horse in the trailer and my dog in the back of the pickup, when this huge semi-truck and trailer came around the curve passing another truck in a no passing zone. The only thing I could do to avoid a collision was to crash through the guard rail and go down a steep embankment.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. First he came to the overturned trailer and saw my horse with a broken leg. He took out his revolver and shot her in the head. Then he came down the hill a little farther and saw my dog who had been tossed out of the back of the pickup and had a broken back. He again took out his revolver and shot the dog in the head.

Then with his revolver still in his hand he came down to where I was pined under the truck and said :"How are you doing?"

# Status Symbols

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

# No Big Deal

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

# Let's Toast our Friendship

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. "Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from God that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives," she spoke wisely.

"I agree completely, ma'am," the man replied.

The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. "This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship."

"That's a great idea, miss," the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share.

"I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?"

"No, thanks," came the reply. "I'll just wait for the cops to get here."

# Amish Moving Violation

An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."

"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.

"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around his balls. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.

Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.

"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.

"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.

"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.

"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake," said the lady.

# Avoiding Arrest

This blonde guy and his girlfriend were going at it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The guy got back in the car and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next.

The blonde guy said 'I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me, it's just that I've never done it with a cop before!"

# We Always get our Man

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!"

# Crazy Drivers

There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!'

# Chapped Lips *

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, wiped his finger around the horse's ass hole then wiped them across his lips. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and headed for the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Computer Nerds

A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying ''Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!'' He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him.

''You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?''

'I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I'm hauling.''

''Okay, truck drivers are not nerds,'' he says and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked.

''Why did you do that?''

''Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don't even need a license.''

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

''What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver.

''Well, sure,'' says the patrolman. ''But you can't bait 'em.''

# Fairy Tale Romance *

Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him.

"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin".

BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Powerful Message

Two teenage boys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two teenagers were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, a large one and a small one, and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your honor," said the second teenager, "I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, "this is your asshole before prison..."

# Irish Drunk Driver

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?'

# The Big Bank Heist

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead had just robbed a bank in Egypt. The blonde forgot to put gas in the get away car, so they were caught, convicted, and sentenced to exile in the Sahara Desert. However, since they were women, they were told they could each take one thing with them to make their stay easier.

When they met in the desert they each were telling what they had brought.

"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the brunette.

"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the redhead.

"I brought a car door, so that when it gets hot I can roll down the window," said the blonde.

# The Border Guard

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his motorcycle. He's got two large saddle bags over the back of the motorcycle. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard takes the bags, empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into the saddle bags, hefts them onto the back of the motorcycle, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his motorcycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "motorcycles."

# Cop at Lovers Lane

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.

The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book and I'm 19."

Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how old she is. The boy replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

# Truckload of Penguins

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.

He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins - and they're all wearing sun glasses.

He pulls the guy over and demands, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday."

The guy replies, "I did... today I'm taking them to the beach!"

# Eating an Eagle

A man is caught by a forest ranger, sitting at a makeshift campfire eating a bald eagle. The man is consequently jailed for the crime. Here's what happens at the trial:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I do. But if you let me argue my case, I'll explain what happened."

Judge: "Proceed."

Man: "I got lost in the woods. I hadn't had anything to eat for two weeks. I was so hungry. Next thing I see is a bald eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish. I knew that if I followed the eagle I could maybe steal the fish. I caught up with the eagle which had landed on a tree stump to eat the fish. I threw a stone toward the eagle hoping he would drop the fish and fly away. Unfortunately, in my weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it. I thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured that since I'd killed it, I might as well eat it, since it would be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground. And that, you honor, was when the good ranger found me."

Judge: "The court will recess while we consider your testimony."

Fifteen minutes later...

Judge: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and because you didn't intend to kill the eagle, the court will dismiss the charges."

The judge then leans over the bench and whispers, "If you don't mind my asking, what does a bald eagle taste like?"

Man: "Well your honor, it is hard to explain. The best I can describe is it's somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."

# Purebred Police Dog

The ad in the local newspaper read: "Purebred Police Dog $25." Thinking that to be a great bargain, Mrs. Freeman ordered the dog to be delivered. The next day a van pulled up and left her the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.

In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad. "What do you mean by calling that mangy-mutt a police dog?"

"Don't be deceived by his looks, Ma'am," he replied. "He's in the Secret Service."

# Lost in the Park

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

"Oh Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "Lost I wasn't... I was just too tired to walk home."

# Appropriate Punishments

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

"Oh yes dear, what happened?"

"I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks! What did you do with them?"

"Oh that was easy,... I charged one and let the other off."

# April Fool

As we all know, April 1st is that day we traditionally play practical jokes on each other. But, as we also know, when noon comes, the jokes end.

Last April 1st, in a small local town, Josh and Big Hoss (the 2 rookie policemen) were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 AM.

Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio, "33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Well there was only 1 bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. And a 33 was an "armed robbery" but it was also just 11:58 AM and Josh and Big Hoss decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them. So they continued on enjoying their coffee break.

At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, 33 in process, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Realizing it was past noon, they rushed across the street, but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.

# Assassin Compassion

Two CIA agents are assigned to kill a dictator in South America. They follow his every move for months, and find out that every day at noon he goes outside and does his stretching exercises. So the set up shop right across the street, get all of their sights set, load the guns, and have everything ready to go.

Noon comes, no dictator... 10 minutes longer... no dictator.

One agent turns to the other and says, "Gee, I hope nothing happened to him."

# The Blonde Cop

After three tries and a great deal of effort, the blonde finally graduates from the police accademy. Knowing her limitations, the sergeant assigns her to traffic partol. After an hour of sitting behind a sign in her squad car she is bored and wants to make an arrest, so she pulls over the next car that goes by.

The driver sees the flashing lights and pulls over to the side of road and rolls down the window. The blonde cop asks to see his driver's licence. After studying it for a few seconds the blonde cop says, "You've got a restriction on your license. You should be wearing glasses."

The driver says, "I have contacts."

The blonde cop says, "I don't care who you know, you have to wear your glasses."

# Inside Information

The FBI had received a tip concerning a possible bombing of a casino in Las Vegas. Two Agents, while on stake-out, noticed a colleague from the CIA.

"Look at Ferguson over there," said the one Agent, "he's gambling as if there's no tomorrow."

"Hmmm..." replied the second Agent reflecting, "maybe he knows something."

# Dangerous City Streets

A elderly farmer retires, sells his farm and moves to the city. As he is walking a few blocks from his new apartment a car pulls to the side of the street and two young guys jump out and beat him up. A patrol car is cruising the neighborhood and sees him injured on the sidewalk and asks him what happened

"I was just walking down the street minding my own business when two young guys jumped out of a car and beat me up - I don't understand, says the old farmer.

"Well you have a red shirt on, so I'll bet it was the Crips," says the cop, "You shouldn't wear red here in the city."

The next day the cop finds the same old farmer on the sidewalk a few blocks away and he again has been beat up.

"It was the same thing all over again. only these young guys were not the same as the one's who beat me up yesterday, and I am not wearing any red," bemoans the farmer.

"Well today you have a blue shirt on and it was probably the Bloods who beat you up. You can't wear blue in the city either," says the cop.

The next day the cop drives through the same neighborhood and finds the old farmer once more lying beside the street and apparently beat up again.

Before the cop can say a word the old farmer says, "What kind of a city do you have here? I didn't wear red, I didn't wear blue and I still got beat up for no reason at all."

The cop looked at the old farmer, who was wearing a yellow knit sport shirt with plaid pants, and asked him what happened this time.

"Well this time a golf cart pulled up two elderly golfers jumped out and started beating me up with five irons."

# Prison Humor

It was Rocky's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager surroundings. As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Rocky heard a voice call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter! Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter. A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout the block.

Rocky didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.

"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.

"What's going on, here?" asked Rocky.

"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number."

So the next day Rocky went down to the library and, sure enough, found the yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover. That night, wanting to be part of the group, Rocky confidently called out "44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and "62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and the halls rang with laughter.

After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing. More minutes - still laughing. Rocky rapped on the cell wall. "Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.

"I don't understand it," asked Rocky, "Why is Bill still laughing?"

"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He never heard that one before!"

# The Voice of Authority

It was the rookie's first day out of the police academy and he had been assigned to a vetran cop who would observe the new rookie and give him pointers on how to do his new job. The veteran told the rookie to drive the squad car and to operate just as though the veteran cop was not with him. The rookie was anxious to see some action and show his new partner all the stuff he had learned at the academy, but everything was pretty calm in the neighborhood they were assigned to partol. Then the rookie noticed a large number of people congregated on a street corner. He knew from his studies at the academy that loidering was illegal so he approached the corner.

The rookie then rolled down his window and siad, "Let's get off the corner folks."

No one moved, so he barked again, "I mean it - all of you get off the corner -- now"

Intimidated, the group of people begaan to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction.

Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"

Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop."

# Now Smile

Three corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having sex with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

# The Diving Accident

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

# I'll Call You Back

A man was walking down the street when he came across a body lying on the sidewalk. He ran to a phone and called 911.

The operator asked him where he was, and the man replied, "I'm on Sycamore."

The operator asked him, "How do you spell that?"

The man thought and said, "S I c k, no. S I c a, no. S I k a, oh heck, let me drag him over to Elm and I'll call you back."

# Almost Home

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner outside his favorite bar, hanging on to a lamp post. After a while, a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"

The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

# Moving Violation

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs.

"No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

# Driving Too Slow

A police officer pulls over a car with a young blonde driver in it....

Cop : "Miss, this is a 65 MPH highway, why are you going so slowly?"

Blonde : "Officer, I saw a lot of signs saying 22, not 65."

Cop : "Oh miss, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Blonde : "Oh! Stupid me! Thanks for letting me know, Ill be more careful from now on."

At this point the cop looks into the back seat of the car, where the passengers are shaking and white as ghosts.

Cop : "Excuse me miss, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something awful."

Blonde : "Oh... We just got off of highway 119".

# A Message for Santa

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

# One Seat per Customer

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "The balcony."

# The Helpful Wife

A man and his wife are driving down the road when a cop pulls them over. The cop says to the man, "Do you know that you were speeding?"

The man replies, "No sir, I didn't know I was speeding."

The mans wife then yells, "Yes you did, you knew you were speeding I've been telling you to slow down for miles."

"SHUT UP!" the man says to his wife, "Shut the hell up, just sit back and be quite."

Then the cop says, "well, since I've got you pulled over did you know that the tag on your license plate is expired?"

"No Sir" the man replies, "I did not know that"

"WHATEVER!" His wife yells, "I've been telling you to go get it up to date for two whole months now!"

"Shut up" the man yells to his wife again! "Sit back and shut up, mind your own business!"

Curios, the cop walks over to the woman's side of the car and asks her, "Does he always talk to you this way?"

"No" she replies, " Only when he's drinking!"

# We're Busted

Two guys rob a store, they burst out the door running as they hear the sirens of cop cars coming closer. The two dive into two separate bushes hoping they won't get caught. Soon the cop cars stop near the bushes and the two robbers hearing foot steps grow more nervous.

A cop then grabs one of the guys out of the bush laughing "Busted".

As the robber is being dragged off he looks back at the other bush shaking his head in shame... "Come on John!!!!!!!!" he screams "They got US!"

# Ain't That a Bitch

This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.

The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you wanther name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!

# The Blonde State Trooper

Two Alabama State Troopers were chasing a Camaro East on I-20 toward Georgia. When the suspect crossed the Georgia line, the first Trooper pulled over quickly.

The rookie Trooper pulled in behind him and asked the veteran blonde officer, "Hey, sarge, why did you stop?"

The blonde sarge replied, "He's in Georgia now. They're an hour ahead of us, so we'll never catch him."

# Irish Border Guard

Five Englishmen are in an Audi Quattro. They arrive at the Irish border checkpoint. Paddy, the officer in charge, stops them and tells them: "'It's illegal to put five people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five passengers."

"Oi! You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and are therefore breaking the law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over - I want to speak to someone with more bloody intelligence!!!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "'Sergeant Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno."

# Talking Dog for Sale *

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a fucking liar."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Reporting a Robbery

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender to give him a shot of tequilla. The man downs the first one, slams the glass on the bar and immediately asks for another. The bartender gives him another shot. The man downs the second one and slams the glass on the bar again. He repeatidly asks for shots of tequilla until the bartender refuses him to give him anymore.

Disgustidly the man exits the bar cussing and yelling at the bartender making a complete fool of himself. About two minutes later the drunk comes running back in the bar in panic. He urgently asks the bartender to hand him the phone.

The drunk takes the phone and dials 911. When the police answer the phone the man says, "Somebody has broken into my car.

They took my steering wheel, my accelerator and brake pedal, and even my dashboard."

The police reply that they will be down in a few minutes. The man walks out of the bar again, then returns a couple of minutes later. He picks up the phone and dials 911 again. When the police answers the phone the man says, "I just called about a car that had been broken into. Never mind I mistakenly got in the back seat."

# Yankee Truck Driver

A yankee truck driver is driving through a little town in Georgia with a truck load of bowling balls. In this town there are two redneck state troupers who hate yankee truck drivers with a passion. The truck driver sees the two and turns off at the next exit. He sees a little black boy on a bike hitch hicking he picks up the little boy but tells him, "you cant ride up here but you can ride in the back."

So he put's the little black boy and his bike in the back and get's back on the interstate. the two state cops see him again and pull him over they start giving him hell just looking for something to write him up for. They can't find anything so they are about to let him go then one says to the other, "We forgot to check the back."

So one goes to the back opens the doors, slams them back comes up to the truck driver. The cop is whiter than a ghost and scared as hell, and says "Get the hell out of my town, get the hell out of my county, get the hell out of my state and don't ever come back." So the truck driver leaves.

When they get back into the squad car one looks at the other and says "what the hell did you see back there that got you so upset?"

The other says, "That yankee trucker was hauling a load of black baby eggs from up North and one had already hatched and stolen a bike."

# Blonde at the Bus Stop

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions - "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"

The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there." She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

# Indecent Exposure

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

# The Night Watchman

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I'll tell you," said the equally agitated blonde, "I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

# A Bad Bust

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

# Good Luck and Bad Luck

Neal would show up at the poker room every Tuesday morning, buy the minimum number of chips and play very tight hoping to make a few bucks. As soon as he would get ahead even ten bucks, he would cash out and leave, even if this meant breaking up the game. Not only did this practice irritate the other players, Neal would drive them crazy with his constant chatter and bragging all the time he was there.

One Tuesday Neal came in as usual and bought his twenty dollars in chips and started to hit lucky hands like crazy. In a short time he had amassed about three hundred dollars and then announced that he was cashing out and leaving the game. Happy as they all were to see Neal leave the game, they were disappointed that they would not have a chance to get their money back when Neal's hot streak was over.

Twenty minutes after Neal had left the game, he came back to the poker room. He announced that he was not going to get back in the game, but that he had been to the bank to deposit his winnings and just came back to visit with them. Actually he wanted to gloat about his big win and tell them all the things he planned to do with their money. This was the worst of all worlds, they had to listen to Neal brag and not even have a chance to get their money back.

Under those circumstances, one of the regular players named Chuck decided to cash out and leave even though he was still down a few bucks. As Chuck left the cardroom he noticed that Neal had parked in a five minute zone and there was a policeman writing him a ticket.

Chuck went up to the policeman and said: "Don't be a jerk, I've only been here a short period of time and I'm ready to leave."

"Well," said the policeman, "I was just giving you a warning, but now I'm going to write you a ticket."

"Don't you guys have something better to do than write tickets?" Chuck said, "Like eat donuts and drink coffee."

At this the officer inspected the tires and then said "Your tires are bald, and that's a serious safety issue, I'm going to write you up for that too."

"You're a real asshole," Chuck said, while the policeman wrote up the second ticket.

At this the cop went to the license plate and announced "You're license tabs expired a week a go, buddy that's going to cost you a bundle." And he proceeded to write up a third citation.

"Well if you're going to be that way about it," Chuck said, "I'm going to leave it there all day." and he turned around and walked back toward the poker room.

"That's fine," said the officer, "I'll have a tow truck here in two minutes, and you can pay for that as well."

Chuck looked out the window and noticed that the policeman was sticking a fourth ticket under Neal's windshield wiper before he called for the tow truck and departed.

Chuck walked into the back room where Neal was still droning on about his big win, and said: "Let me get you a cup of coffee Neal, I'd really like to hear how you plan to spend that three hundred dollars."

# Police Dog in Action **

Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat. They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog.

Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.

The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

_** Risque_

# Step Away from the Squirrel

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature I shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"

# Easy Catch

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.

Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

# Sobriety Test

A man leaves a bar after a long night of drinking, gets into his car and drives away. Within a few hundred yards he's stopped by a police officer.

Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?".

Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air".

Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test."

Man: "I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death".

Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line".

Man: "I cant do that."

Officer: "Why not?"

Man: "Because I paraplegic, didn't you see the handicapped sticker on my windshield?"

Officer: "Then touch the tip of your nose with your right index finger."

Man: "I can't do that either

Officer: "Why not?"

Man: "Because I'm dead drunk!"

# Early Release

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

# A Really Bad Assignment

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Johnny, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is," Johnny replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Johnny.

"Well," mused Pat, "'tis life and there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Johnny. "'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."

# How Did You Know?

A speeding motorist was caught by radar from a police helicopter in the sky. An officer pulled him over and began to issue a traffic ticket. "How did you know I was speeding?" the frustrated driver asked.

The police officer pointed somberly toward the sky.

"You mean," asked the motorist, "that even He is against me?"

# I've Been Waiting for You

A teenage kid was driving along a quiet streatch of rural highway. All of the sudden a police car pulled out from behind a billboard and turned on the blinking lights and pulled the kid over to the side of the road.

The cop got out of his car and the young man rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

"Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could," said the teenager.

# Exaggerated Report

The sheriff of a a rural county in Arkansas was going over the reports that had been filed that day so he could assign the work to the deputies. One theft report stated that a Mr. Clyde Smith on Mill Road had 2,025 pigs stolen over the weekend.

The sheriff turned to his sergeant and said this has to be old Clyde up on the ridge, but he only has ten acres and couldn't have lost that many pigs. Who took this report anyway?"

"Ethel Wilson," says the sergeant, "she's the new dispatcher we just hired last week. I think she came from New York."

"Well that explains it," says the sheriff as he crossed out the previous entry and entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

# Bloodshot Eyes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

# Policeman Joke

A man was riding on a commuter train from Provence to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with the guy in the next seat. "I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"

"I should let you know first that I am a New York City policeman."

"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"

# Accident Report

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.

He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard" and scratchs out his spelling error.

"Head on bouelevard" Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.

"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.

He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb.

# A Disgraceful Sight

The little old lady called the police station and indicated that she wanted to report a neighbor for incecient exposure. When the officer arrived to investigate the situation , the little old lady met him at the door. "I have never been so insulted in my life," related the little old lady in disgust, " the neighbor accross the way is running around without any clothes on, and I think it is a disgrace."

"Just where exactly is this man?" asks the officer.

"Accross the way there," says the little old lady pointing at a window in the appartment building. "the third window from the right."

"ma'am," says the officer, "I cant arrest him for not having any clothes on in his own appartment."

"But I should not be forced to look at such a sight when I look out of my window", says the little old lady.

"I don't see anything," says the officer, looking out of the ladies living room window.

"Not there," says the little old lady, "look out the bathrrom window."

The officer goes into the bathroom, looks out the window and says: "ma'am I still don't see anything."

"Well," says the little old lady, "now hold on to the shower curtain rod and stand on the edge of the tub on your tip toes."

# Unreasonable Cop

Ralph was on his way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as he sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into his windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper.

Just then the light turned green and there he was with a bird stuck on his windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing he could do. It actually worked.

On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind him. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind him was a police car. Immediately the lights went on and Ralph was forced to pull over.

The officer walked up and told he saw what had happened at the light and that he was going to write Ralph up for what he had done.

"What did I do," asks Ralph, "that you would write me up for?"

"I am going to write you up." says the cop, " for flipping me the bird."

# Crazy Cyclist

A man decided that he was going to ride a moped from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too steep for the small engine.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the moped wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the moped and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his moped and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a moped honking to pass."

# Old Couple and the Cop

An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.

The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"

The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"

The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"

# May I See Your License

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday one of you takes away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!!"

# Going the Wrong Way

A policeman pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"

Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad, cause all the people were leaving!"

# Illegal Alien

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,... I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?" 

# Polish Truck Drivers

Two Polish truck drivers are barreling along when they come up to an overpass. A sign says, "Clearance: 11"2'." So they get out, measure their truck, and realize that it's 11"6'.

So the first Polak looks at the second Polak and says, "I don't see any cops around....let's go for it!"

# Police Detective Interview

Three men were all applying for the same job as a detective. One was Polish, one was Jewish, and one was Italian. Rather than ask the standard questions during the interview, the chief decided to ask each applicant just one question and base his decision upon that answer.

When the Jewish man arrived for his interview, the chief asked, "Who killed Jesus Christ?"

The Jewish man answered without hesitation "The Romans killed him." The chief thanked him and he left.

When the Italian man arrived for his interview, the chief asked the same question. He replied "Jesus was killed by the Jews." Again, the chief thanked the man who then left.

When the Polish man arrived for his interview, he was asked the exact same question. He thought for a long time, before saying, "Could I have some time to think about it?" The chief said, "OK, but get back to me tommorrow."

When the Polish man arrived home, his wife asked "How did The interview go?" He replied, "Great, I got the job, and I'm already investigating a murder!"

# The Parking Ticket

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:

"I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:

"I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation."

# Another Miracle

Late one night a car was swerving all over the road. A police officer pulled it over and went up to the vehicle. He then noticed it was the local priest, Father McBrian. The officer then asked him why he was swerving all over the road. He said he wasn't.

The officer immediately asked him, "Father, have you been drinking?"

"No..." replied Father McBrian.

"Is that alchol in your bottle there Father?" suggested the officer.

"No it's just my water" answered Father McBrian.

The officer took it and smelled it. He then said "Father this is wine."

Father McBrian then burst "Praise the Lord, He's done It again!"

# Rabbi Gives Last Rites

On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.

The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out "A priest, a priest please".

The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabbi comes up and say "Officer, I'm a 70 year old Rabbi, but I've lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help."

So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:

"B1-I18-N44-G56-O75"

# Checking the Axle

A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
Viagra Highjacking

A shipment of Viagra was highjacked from a semi truck along a streatch of midwest highway. The local police chief was interviewed about the crime.

Reporter: "Chief, do you have any idea who committed this crime.

Police Chief: "No, but although they may appear to be upstanding citicens, they are really just hardened criminals."

Reporter: "What will happen to them when they are caught?"

Police Chief: "That will be up to the courts, but I'm sure they will face a stiff sentence when convicted and they'll surely be sent to a Penal Institution."

# Double Blonde Robbery

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a blonde robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

The suspect was also having good luck, as the victim, was also blonde, was unable to identify him in the lineup, even after the outburst.

# The Blonde and the RV

By the time the police chief arrived on the scene, there were already two patrol cars and an ambulance at the site of the accident. It was apparent that the forty foot rental RV had gone off the road and struck some trees before it had come to a stop.

The vehicle was badly dammaged but the blonde driver was still alive and concious. The chief approached the driver, introduced himself, and then asked the blonde what had happened.

"I'm not quite sure," said the blonde, "I was not at the wheel at the time of the accident."

"I don't understand," said the chief, " I was told that you were the only one in the vehicle."

"That's true," said the blonde, "I just set the cruise control an then went back to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich."

# Dangerous Situation

An old lady noticed that she was about out of gas and pulled her car into the nearest self-service gas station. She forgot to put out the cigarette she was smoking as she began to pump her gas, so she flicked it away.

A spark landed on her hand and the gas nozzle. The old lady's arm caught fire. In a feverish attempt to put out the fire, she waved her arm up and down.

A Police officer was nearby, saw what was happening and fired 3 shots at the woman killing her instantly. Shocked onlookers asked the officer why he shot her. The officer said, "She was waving a firearm."

# Drunk Driver's Rights

A man was arrested by a female officer for drunk driving.

She said, "Anything you say will be held against you."

The drunk thought for a second and then smiled and shouted, "Tits!"

# Blonde Traffic Cop

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blonde for her driver's license. The blonde driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"

The blonde police officer tells her, "It's a small rectangular thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.

After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, "If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing."

# Russian Border Guards

Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling.

Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?"

Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade."

Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."

# New Siberian Convict

A conversation between a Siberian prisoner and a new convict:

"How long did you get?"

"Ten years."

"What did you do?"

"Nothing."

"Impossible! For nothing you only get five years!"
One Smart Cop

One day on a busy street corner a huge man walks up to a police officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee thid, and thacramento ith?" The police officer didn't reply at all. The large man then asked again, but still no reply. Finally the frustrated man walked away.

An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, "Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty third and Sacramento was?"

The police officer replied, "Thure and dit the thit ticked out of me!"

# Fresh Meat

Elderly woman meets elderly gentleman on the street.

Her: Aren't you Ed Filby? I haven't seen you in thirty-years.

Him: That's me.

Her: You look pretty good - but a little pale. Where you been?

Him: Been in jail actually.

Her: Really! What did you do?

Him: Well, I killed my wife. I chopped her up in little pieces and put her in the garbage disposal.

Her: Oh!... so you're not married!

# No Last Name

A law enforcement offcer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood, he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write out a warning instead of a ticket. So he asks the man his name.

"Fred', he replies.

"Fred What?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred" the man responds.

When the officer presses for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but "lost it"

The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands, but plays along with it. "Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies. "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know - funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older, I realized I wanted to be a doctor. So I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After awhile, I got bored being a doctor, so decided to go back to school - dentistry was my dream I got all the way through school, got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS. Got bored with dentistry, so started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found about about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling, so now I'm just Fred".

The officer walked away in tears from laughing so hard, and tore up the Warning ticket.

# Jungle Mugging

A sloth was walking through the jungle one day when he was set upon by a gang of vicious snails. The snails left him bleeding and confused at the bottom of a tree where several hours later he summoned the strength to go to the police station and report the assault.

He was asked by the desk sergeant to describe his attackers. He replied, "I don't know what they looked like, it all happened so fast."

# Get Out of Town **

The residents of a small redneck town urge the sheriff to arrest the local homosexual. Seems he's been propositioning all the teenage boys in town.

The sheriff ditfully arrests the fag and says to him, "ok homo, you got 15 minutes to blow this town!"

The fag says, "I'll need at least two hours."

_** Risque_

# Wisconsin State Trooper

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball."

He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of shared silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car. 

# Stuck Under a Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads 'Low bridge ahead! ' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

# Radar Trap Ahead

A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. ! 

# Automated Radar Ticket

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post. A $40 speeding ticket was included.

Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.

The police responded with another mailed photo ..... of handcuffs. 

# Can't Find My Car

A drunk was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.

'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.

'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.

'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'. 

# Free at Last *

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "F.F."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."

Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."

She responded simply, "E.F."

He repeated, "F.F."

She again replied, "E.F."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Is it Jimmy Hoffa?

A very large, old, building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft.

They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police and said, "We are the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it was Jimmy Hoffa or somebody important."

The police said, "It's not Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Blonde National Hide-and-Seek Champion."

# Pedestrians and Catholics

The traffic light wasn't working on the corner of Broadway and 72nd Street, so the blonde stood with a large crowd of people waiting to cross, while a cop directed traffic.

Finally, the cop blew his whistle, motioned to the crowd, and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians!" The throng surged across Broadway -- all except the blonde, who stayed on the corner.

When the walkers were safely on the other side of the street, the cop moved the cross-traffic through the intersection. Half a minute later, he stopped the cars on Broadway and sent the 72nd Street traffic into motion.

Again, he got around to the blonde's corner, where by this time she had again been joined by a crowd of people.

Tweeeeeeeet! "Okay, pedestrians!"

The crowd crossed the street, but again the blonde stayed put. She looked at her watch and tapped her foot but never budged from the sidewalk.

Finally, after the cop yelled "Okay, pedestrians!" for the third time, the blonde shouted across traffic, "Yo! Officer! Isn't it about time you let the Catholics cross?"

# Lost My Ring

A cop saw a young blonde woman down on her knees under a streetlight. "Can I help you?" he asked.

Replied the woman, "I dropped my diamond ring and I'm looking for it."

Asked the cop "did you drop it right here?"

"No," responded the blonde, "I dropped it about a block away, but the light's better here."

# Furry Fury

Bob had just picked up his new motorcycle from the dealer and was on his way home. After several miles on the freeway, Bob decided to take an exit and drive through some of the quiet scenic neighborhoods in that section of the city. The street he selected was through a quiet residential area with large homes, manicured lawns, and stately oak trees along the edge of the street.

As he passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of him. It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. Although Bob was not going very fast, there was no time to brake or avoid the poor animal.

Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing Bob's oncoming motorcycle with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! Snarling, hissing, and tearing at Bob's clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. Since Bob was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans the furry little tornado was doing some damage!

Bob grabbed for the squirrel with his left hand. After a few misses, he finally managed to snag his tail. With all his strength, he flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as he recoiled from the throw. Somehow the squirrel caught Bob's gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on Bob's back and resumed his attack. He also managed to take Bob's left glove with him!

The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through his right hand and into the throttle. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger, the motorcycle screamed in ecstasy, and Bob screamed in .. well .. he just plain screamed.

With the sudden acceleration Bob was forced to put his other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. About this time the squirrel decided to take advantage of Bob's distraction with driving and he came around Bob's neck and got inside his full face helmet and began hissing in Bob's face. After some screaming and swerving, Bob managed to grab the squirrel's tail, pulled him out of the helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as he could.

Unfortunately, a cop and his partner had pulled their patrol car off on this quiet residential street and parked with their windows down to do some paperwork. By the time Bob managed to get the motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground he realized that he had thrown the angry squirrel through the open window of the patrol car.

The two cops did not seem interested in Bob or concerned about his erratic driving at the moment. The doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car.

The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car. Bob could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. He also thought he saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at him. But it was not his problem anymore, so he would just let the professionals handle the situation.

While the police were totally occupied with the squirrel, Bob thought he would take advantage of the distraction. He took a deep breath, turned on his turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off the tree lined street, and sedately left the neighborhood. He decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves ........ and a whole lot of Band-Aids.

# Soviet Technology

At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Soviets.

American : "And in the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police."

Soviet : "In the Soviet Union we don't require that you dial anything."

# Damned Women Drivers

An irritated man walks into the police station and goes up to the desk sergeant. The police sergeant looks up from his paperwork and says: "yes sir, what can I do for you?"

"I'd like to report a women for reckless driving," says the man, "and I have a vehicle description and her license plate number."

"OK," says the sergeant, "tell me what happened."

"Well," says the man, "It happened at about 7:30 this morning on the Interstate I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner."

"Was there an accident as a result of this situation?' asks the Sergeant.

"Well," says the man, "no one was hurt but it certainly caused me a great deal of grief. You see I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned 'Big Jim and the Twins,' ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important phone call."

# Almost Inseparable

Two guys are sitting at the bar having a beer. The first guy strikes up a conversation with the second guy by saying:"I really enjoy coming down to the bar and getting away from my wife, after twenty-eight years of marriage she is starting to drive me nuts."

"That's funny," says the second guy, "My wife and I have been married for over thirty years and we're almost inseparable."

"I find that hard to believe," says the first guy.

"Well if you don't believe me," says the second guy, "you can check out my story at the court house." "At the court house?" Asks the first guy.

Yep," says the second guy with a smile, "why just last week it took four state troopers and a dog to tear us apart!"

# Guilty of Bigamy

A rookie state patrol officer in rural Utah brings in a local farmer to the local Justice of the Peace and charges him with bigamy. After hearing the complaint and questioning the farmer, the Justice of the Peace lets the guy go home.

"Didn't he admit that he was a bigamist?' Says the rookie.

"Yep," says the Justice of the Peace.

"And isn't bigamy against the law?" Says the rookie.

"Of course it is." says the Justice of the Peace.

"Then," says the rookie, "why did you let him go?"

"I think," says the Justice of the Peace, "he's been punished enough."

"How is that?" Says the rookie

"Well," Says the Justice of the Peace, "he has two mother-in-laws."

# Tough Sobriety Test

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"

The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

# Just the Right Spin

The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-selling author Frank McCourt to research and write a book about their family history.

Horror of horrors! They discovered that great Uncle Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a murder. They were devastated.

They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't want to leave him out either.

McCourt said, "Leave it to me."

When the book came out, the section about Uncle Fess read like this: "He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was attached to his position very firmly. His death came as a great shock."

# Enterprising Old Woman

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

# The Weary Prisoner

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

# Have You Been Drinking?

A man is out, driving happily along in his car late one Saturday evening. Before too long, the cops pull him over.

The policeman walks up to the man and asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why? Was I weaving all over the road officer?"

"No," replied, the policeman, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly, fat chick in the passenger seat that gave you away."

# A Patrolman's Dream

A California highway patrolman was sitting behind a billboard when an older muscle car came screaming by at a high rate of speed. As the patrolman chased the car he noticed that it was spewing black smoke and swerving all over the road. After several miles with the blinking lights and siren blaring, the vehicle finally came to a stop with worn brakes squealling and the brake lights burnt out.

As the officer approached the vehicle he noticed that the tires were worn beyond the legal limit and the liscense tabs had expired. When the patrolman got to the car he noticed that none of the occupants were wearing a seatbelt. When the driver rolled down the window the patrolman noticed the smell of alcohol and marijuana from inside the car.

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

No, I dropped my joint on the floor and was trying to pick it up so I couldn't see the speedometer and almost ran off the road trying to get it.

"May I see your driver's license?"

"Oh, they took that away a couple of years ago for reckless driving, but I was just on my way to get a new one when you stopped me."

"Oh, don't listen to him," said a woman in the passenger seat, "He always lies a lot when he is drunk.

"Then the kid in the backseat said, "I knew we wouldn't t get far in a stolen car."

At that moment there was a knock from the trunk and a voice Said, "Are we over the border yet?"

Sudenly the patrolman felt a hand on his shoulder and his wife's voice saying: "Wake up, you have to be to work in an hour."

# What a Relief

After having had several drinks in a bar, a hobo staggers out and starts walking down the street with one foot in the gutter And the other on the curb.

A policeman comes up to the hobo and says, "Hey there buddy you're too drunk to be out on the street, so I'm going to throw you into the slammer for the night."

Whereupon the hobo says, "That's a relief Officer, for a while there I thought I was homeless and crippled too."

# Strongest Guy in the Bar

A motorcycle cop parks his bike next to a long line of choppers and walks into a rough looking biker bar and demands to know "Who's the strongest guy in here?"

A rough looking biker with muscles and hair popping out of his leather vest looks at him and says "I am the strongest guy around here, what's it to you?"

The cop smiles and says: "Would you help me push my motorcycle to the gas station?"

# Chapter 5

# Political Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a senator in prison may appear here and in the Police & Prison Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Interviews with God

God is sitting on his golden throne in heaven interviewing three US presidents, to determine their appropriate placement in heaven. The three presidents are: George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump.

God: George what do you think?

George: I am humbled to be here before you and appologetic about some of the things I did while I was president. I made a lot of mistakes and sometimes embarrased myself, but I was a true patriot and did my best to protect the country from those who wished us harm.

God: I will overlook your faults and appreciate your honest assessment of your service to your country. Please sit beside me on my left side. Barrack what do you think?

Barack: I too am humbled to be here before you and know that I also could have done a better job. But I did my best to secure jobs and health care for those who needed it most in our country.

God: I recognize that you couldn't do all that you would have liked to have done and appreciate all that you did do for the country. Please sit next to me on my right side. Donald what do you think?

Donald: I think you're sitting in my seat!

# Donald Trumps Wake

When Donald Trump died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. Trump called the undertaker aside for a private little talk. "Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided, "and he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."

"Rest assured, Mrs. Trump," comforted the under- taker. "I'll fix it so that toupee will never come off."

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving Donald's ancient corpse quite a going over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. Trump offered the undertaker an extra thousand dollars for handling the matter so professionally.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "What's a few nails?"

# Yellow Snow

It was a crisp winter morning and President Clinton was out with his entourage of secret service men jogging around the white house grounds. Suddenly just off the path written in yellow in the snow was the message "Bill Clinton is an asshole." Bill is outraged not only is this a slur on him personally, but is also a potential security breach, since it is on the White House grounds. He immediately calls in his Chief of Staff and the Director of the FBI and asks them to investigate the matter.

That afternoon the Chief of Staff and the Director of the FBI meet with the President the oval office to bring him up to date on the progress of their investigation.

"Mr. President," begins the Chief of Staff, "we have good news and bad news."

"Give me the good news first," says Bill.

"The good news is that we took photos and samples of the yellow snow and had them analyzed in the FBI lab. We then matched DNA from the yellow snow against samples taken from the entire White House staff and determined that the urine was from a 29 year old gardener named Patrick Rilley. Mr. Rilley has been dismissed from federal service and his security clearance removed, reports the Chief of Staff.

"Great," says Bill, "what's the bad news."

"It was Hillary's handwriting," says the Chief of Staff.

# Good News and Bad News

God finally had enough and decided to end the world. However He wanted to warn the people so He gathered Bill Clinton, Fidel Castro and Bill Gates into one room and told them of His plan and to go out and inform the world.

President Clinton immediately appeared on CNN and told the U.S. "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there IS a God. The bad news is He is going to end the world.

Fidel Castro went to the Communist network and told them. "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is, despite what we have taught all these years, there IS a God. The worse news is, He is upset."

Bill Gates turned to the internet and informed the world. I have good news and better news... The good news is, God thinks I am one of the three most important people on earth... the better news?..... I won't have to upgrade Windows 98.......cool."

# Clinton in Heaven

The Pope visits the U.S. and is on Air Force One as the President's special guest. There's a hydraulic malfunction, and the plane goes down. There are no survivors.

Due to a paperwork mixup, the Pope goes to Hell, and Clinton goes to heaven. Tired of fire and brimstone, the Pope keeps petitioning St. Peter to let him in to Heaven.

Finally, the saints get their records straight, and the Pope is admitted to the harps-and-wings club.When at last he enters Heaven, he falls on his knees, uttering, "Thank you, thank you! I have waited all of my life to meet the Virgin Mary!"

Clinton shrugs his wings and says, "Sorry, but you're a day late."

# Happy Mother's Day

The young gay man calls his Jewish mother to wish her a happy mother's day. In addition to the present and the card he had already mailed to her he had a special present he wanted to deliver to her personally.

"Mom," he began, "I know that all these years that you have not approved of my gay lifestyle, so you will be glad to know that that is all behind me now and I have returned to being a heterosexual."

"Oh, that's wonderful," says the mother.

"Not only that," continues the son, "but I have met a wonderful girl and we plan to get married later this year."

"That's so good to hear," says the mother, "I suppose it would be too much to ask if she was Jewish?"

"Not only is she Jewish," says the son, "she is from a very prominent Beverly Hills family and her father is a doctor!!"

"Oh, this is too good to be true," says the mother, "what is her name?"

"Monica Lewinsky" says the son.

After a brief pause the mother says "What ever happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

# Still a Virgin

At a cocktail party one of the guests was saying that she had been married three times and was still a virgin. One of the other guests said that they could not understand how someone could be married three times and still be a virgin and asked her to explain.

"Well," she began "my first marriage was to a charming young man who I loved very much. We had just been married and were on our way to Niagara Falls for our honeymoon in his new sports car, when we had a terrible accident and he was killed."

"Oh, that's so sad," says one of the other guests,"but what about the second marriage?"

"The second marriage," says the virgin, "was to a mysterious older man. On our honeymoon I found out that he was gay and just using the marriage as a cover, so I had the marriage annulled."

"How unfortunate," responded another guest, "but what about the third marriage?"

"The third time," lamented the virgin, "I made the mistake of marrying a Democrat. All he ever did was sit on the other side of the bed and tell me how good it was going to be."

# The Price is Right

Two Washington D.C. prostitures are working the area around the White House one day when Bill Clinton comes around the corner on one of his jogging outings. He stops for a moment to catch his breath and engages them in conversation.

"Just out of curiousity, how much do you girls charge," Bill asks. "Fifty dollars," one of the girls answers. "That's outrageous," Bill responds, "why back in Arkansas you can get any girl you want for ten dollars." With that Bill shakes his head in disbelief and continues to jog on down the block and back to the White House

A few days later the same two hookers are working Pennslvania Avenue and see Bill Clinton again, this time he is dressed if a dark suit and has Hillary on his arm. One of the prostitutes turns to the other and says "Well I guess you get what you pay for!!"

# Let's be Fair About This

Bill Clinton dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter gives him a briefing about heaven and then shows him the woman who has been chosen as his mate for eternity.

"Wait a minute," says Bill, "that's the ugliest woman I have ever seen, don't you think you could do a little better for a man of my stature?"

"Before you get too upset," says St. Peter "there are a few things you should consider. First, you barely made it into heaven in the first place, second we have a point system based on your sins on earth and you have a whopping 870 points against you so that means you get a real ugly mate as a punishment for your earthly sins. Third, you never seemed to be that particular about the attractiveness of the women you cavorted with on earth."

"You're right St. Peter," says Bill, "I guess I'm just lucky to be here and will have accept my fate.

A few weeks later bill is walking down the street with his mate and he sees Newt Gingrich walking down the other side of the street with Bo Derrick on his arm. He immediately goes to St. Peter and demands an explanation.

"I don't mind taking my punishment," says Bill, "but what about Newt, I knew him back on earth and he sure didn't lead an exemplary life there either."

"Ok, ok," says St. Peter, "I'll check the book to be sure, but we rarely make mistakes here."

So St. Peter pulls out the book and flips through the pages tallying up points on a piece of parchment. After he has closed the book and added all the entries on the parchment he turns to Bill and says "Nope there's no mistake, Bo Derrick has 1028 points."

# Presidential Clock

Our good buddy Bill Clinton was assigned a new intern named Sally. Being the polite gentleman he is, Bill went to visit Sally and ask her if she needed any questions answered. She said no, so Bill asked, "Have you seen the presidential clock yet?"

Sally replied, "I haven't even heard of the presidential clock."

Bill then replied, "Well let's go to my office, so I can show it to you."

Sally was a little taken aback, and she stated, "With all the problems you've had lately, I don't think we should."

Then Bill said, "Ahh, it's just a clock and I promise I won't try anything."

Sally then agrees to go with him.

Bill leads her to the Oval Office, shuts and locks the door behind them and then drops his pants to the floor.

Sally is flabbergasted and says, "Mr. President, that is the presidential cock, not the presidential clock."

Bill looks at her and says, "Sally, by my definition, if you put two hands and a face on it, it's a clock."

# Wall of Clocks

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.

As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

"What are all those clocks?" she asked.

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "Who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Who's clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

# I'm Not Talking

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?" The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling. George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am".

George W. asked him why he was so unfriendly and Moses replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert.

# New Rules

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".

Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the USGA but proponents say it is only fair.

A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 9 days to complete.

# Fully Operational

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."

# Christmas in Washington

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. over the Christmas holidays.

This was not done as a separation of church and state issue nor with any secular motivation..

They simply have not been able to find three wise men in the Nation's capital. They were also not able to find a virgin. There was not a problem however, finding enough chickens, sheep, and asses to fill the stable.

# A Slight Accent

An African chieftain flew to the United States to visit the president. When he arrived at the airport, a host of newsmen and television cameramen met him. One of the reporters asked the chief if he had a comfortable flight.

The chief made a series of weird noises, "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z-" and then added in perfect English, "Yes, I had a very nice flight."

Another reporter asked, "Chief, do you plan to visit the Washington Monument while you're in the area?"

The chief made the same noises, "screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle, z-z-z-z" and then said, "Yes, and I also plan to visit the White House and the Capitol Building."

"Where did you learn to speak such flawless English?" asked the next reporter. The chief replied, "Screech, scratch, honk, buzz, whistle,z-z-z-z - from the short-wave radio.

# No Special Privileges

Vice President Dick Cheney sercomes to a massive heart attack and ends up in St. Peter's office in heaven. After a morning tour of heaven, St. Peter takes Dick to a restaurant for lunch. Since they get there right at noon, there is a considerable line.

"I apologize for the long line," says St. Peter, "but all of God's children are considered equal here, so you have to wait in line regardless of how important you were down on earth."

"I understand'" says Dick, " its a good policy and I'm not in any hurry now anyway."

About that time, a man in green scrubs with a stethoscope around his neck goes to the front of the line and is admitted immediately.

"What's the deal here/" asks Dick indignantly, " I thought no one here got special privileges here in heaven."

"Oh," responds St. Peter, "that's God he just thinks he's a doctor."

# The Jackass and the Mayor

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He immediately called the police.

Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department. The health department said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department. The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway. The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead, but I always like to notify the next-of-kin first!"

# Last but not Least

Three men, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and President Bush are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada. "With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

President Bush, asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out---virtually impenetrable."

President Bush says, "Very impressive....... Fill it with water."

# An American Holiday

Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality, goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.

Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she finds the answer.

"You will die on an American holiday."

"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.

"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be an American holiday!"

# Take That You Cad

Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek were all riding together in a train carriage when after several minutes of the trip, the train passed through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on hischeek.

Bo Derek thought - "That sleaze ball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

# The Fastest Dad

Three young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the fastest.

"My dad is so fast he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so fast that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's fastest because he works for the government. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

# The Wizard of Oz

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and the Secretary of Defense all wanted to go to Oz, to visit the Wizard of Oz. Bill looked at Al and asked him why he wanted to go. Al said that he needed a brain, and Bill agreed with him.

Then, Bill asked the Secretary of Defense why he wanted to go, and he said that he needed a heart. Bill also agreed with him. Then both looked at Bill and asked him why he was going. He answered, "I'm looking for Dorothy!"

# Hillary's Future

Senator Hillary Clinton snuck off to visit a fortuneteller of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortuneteller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

"Will I be acquitted?

# Peace Talks

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"

Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

# Mutual Agreement

A squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, when they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.

A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breathe. They ran to him, cradled his bruised head and asked him what had happened.

"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash!'"

"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is a moronic, deceitful, lying piece of trash too!'"

"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us.

# Urgent Military Update

President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

# Play Ball

Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton were at a Yankees game. Before the game began a secret service man came up to him and whispered in his ear.

Bill Clinton suddenly picked up Hillary and threw her out on the field.

The secret service man came running up to him and said, "Mr. President Sir, I think you misunderstood me; I said throw out the first pitch."

# The Fishing Hole

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none.

Gore screamed for a revote.

The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote.

So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whether Bush is cheating.

"Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

# Young Texans

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan"

The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says,

"What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

# Stupid People

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me."

Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes can't hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I'll show you what I mean."

Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M street to see if I'm home," said Cheney.

Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess I'm not there! Take us back to where we started, please."

The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don't worry about their opinions!"

Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!"

# Dubya Speaks his Mind

President George W. Bush was getting angry about the public opinion of his ability to govern, so he arranged a press conference to let the American public know what was on his mind.

He started strongly, "The American People must know that I am wholly fit, capable, and prepared to serve this nation as commander-in-chief. And I say to those people who believe I don't have a mind of my own..." Bush said and froze. He looked over at Cheney and whispered, "Dick, what do I say to them again...?

# Do You Know Who I Am?

President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home.

The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him.

Sensing this, President Bush back tracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?"

The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."

# Sharp Administration

G. W. Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid. So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, "Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you."

She conference calls Tony Blair in and asks, "Tony, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

Tony Blair replies, "It's me!" and hangs up.

G.W. Bush then calls Dick Cheney and says, "Dick, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Cheney says, "Wow, that's a tough one. Let me get back to you."

So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, "Colin, your parents had a baby. It isn't your sister and it isn't your brother. Who is it?"

And Colin Powell says, "It's me!"

So Cheney calls Bush and says, "It's Colin Powell."

And Bush says, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

# Political Puppies

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

# A Real Tragedy

One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''

"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"

The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"

A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"

The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"

A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"

"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"

"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"

# Pulling in an Easy Buck

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter.

"Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion... it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!"

"Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! We're gettin' farther away from our truck!

# It Must be You

When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn't let him in until he proved his identity.

Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise.

And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, "How do I know you're Picasso?"

Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in.

When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. "How can you prove to me you're George W. Bush?" Saint Peter said.

Bush replied, "Well heck, I dont know."

St. Peter says, "Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you're George W. Bush?"

Bush replies, "Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?"

St. Peter says, "It must be you, George, c'mon on in."

# The Presidential Parrot

One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost.

The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.

When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened.

Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said "Too old, too old" -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.

A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, "Too young, too young."

A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, "Hi Bill! Hi Bill!

# Arkansas Razorbacks

Bill Clinton was arriving back to the White House from a trip to Arkansas with a pig under each arm.

A secret serviceman greeted him.

"Nice pigs, sir!"

"Thank you. Though these are no ordinary pigs -- they're Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."

"Nice trade, sir!"

# Busload of Politicans

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

# Money from God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

# You Can Buy Happiness

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

# Four Smart Dogs

Four men, an engineer, an accountant, a pharmacist and a government worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the pharmacist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?"

The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker's compensation and went home on sick leave

# Saving the President

One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.

Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a boat."

The second boy said, "I want a truck."

And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them."

Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?"

The little boy said, "Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!"

# Matzo Ball Soup

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby.

They arrived and Dubya's friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it.

After Dubya was finished he said, "Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?"

# You Got Me Pregnant

Hillary Clinton went for her annual exam. After the exam, the OB-GYN told her that she was pregnant, and in great shape. Hillary couldn't believe the news and stormed out of the office. She rushed to her limo and picked up the phone to call the Oval Office.

"You got me pregnant! How could you be so careless?" There is a silence on the other end.

Finally, she hears Bill's voice."Who is this?'

# A Drastic Approach

White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties pinned to his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks.

As the day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on his face, but no one dared ask the President's personal business.

Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said.

"We've come to expect many unusual things from you but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of woman's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more 'trouble'."

"Oh no," the President grinned, "it's the patch. I'm trying to quit."

# A Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought George W. Bush was doing as President.

The old man said, "Ya know, Bush is a post turtle." Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

# Anything You Want *

A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in New York.

The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in France, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Charles deGaulle Retires *

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Rush Linbaugh's chauffeur

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, " told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

# I Amend My Statement

A member of the United States Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout, "Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators demanded that the angry member withdraw his statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member acquiesced. "OK," he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

# Pending Legislation

Gary Condit looks up from his desk to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" yells the Congressman.

"It's this abortion bill, Mr. Condit. What do you want to do about it?" the aide asks.

"Just go ahead and pay it," responds the Congressman.

# Grasshopper and the Ant

##### Original Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he?s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

##### Modern American Version

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to film of the ant in his comfortable house with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (the National Association for the Advancement of Green Bugs) show up on Nightline and charges the ant with "green bias" and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings "It?s Not Easy Being Green." Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the "Temperatures of the 80?s." Richard Gephardt exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the "back of the grasshopper", and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act", RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant?s food while the government house he?s in, which just happens to be the ant?s old house, crumbles around him since he doesn?t know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant?s food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of "fairness" has dawned in America.

# Genie and the Bureaucrat

A state government employee sits in his office and out of boredom, decides to see what's in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

"This will look nice on my mantlepiece," he decides, and takes it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appears.

"For setting me free, I am granting you three wishes. So tell me what are they?" Genie asks.

"I wish for an ice cold beer right now!"

He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish.

"I wish to be on an island where beautiful young girls reside."

Suddenly he is on an island with gorgeous females eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish, "I wish I'd never have to work ever again."

POOF!

He's back in his government office

# No Shovels

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."
The Generous Barber

A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

# Protecting the President

Monica Lewinsky went up to the pharmacist at her local drug store and stated, "I need to buy condoms."

The pharmacist looked up and asked, "Shall I put it on your bill?" "

No, thanks," Monica responded. "I prefer to put them on him myself."

# Presidential Lunch

George W. Bush and Dick Cheney go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks George, "Are you ready to order?"

George replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!?" the waitress replies. "Sir, have yoou forgotten what happened to Bill Clinton. It's bad enough that people think you're stupid, if they think you are cheating on your wife, they will run you out of office for sure. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu."

After she walks away, Cheney leans over to Bush and says, "George, it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"

# The 11th Commandment

Toward the end of Bill Clinton's second term, a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done.

They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across. Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration.

After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."

# An Important Decision

While walking down the street one day a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

# The Mexican Student *

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth' "?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Martinez whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Genie and the Intern **

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!", she exclaimed.

"No", said the genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish."

"Lets see," says Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage."

"And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want."

"I would like to get rid of these love handles, though." "Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!

_** Risque_

# Cannibal Cafe

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $25.00

Fried Explorer: $35.00

Baked Politician: $100.00.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked , "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

"I don't know," says the waiter, " but I'll ask the cook."

A few minutes later the cook came to the cannibal's table and says, "Have you ever tried to clean a politician?"

# Politics Simplified

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

# What Might Have Been

Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.

They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's highschool boyfriend there. Bill said to hillary if you were still with him, you would be the wife of a filling station owner.

Hillary said " NO! Then he would be the president of United States"

# New Government Bonds

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:

1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.

2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity and...

3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

# Clinton in Hell

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.

"I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else."

Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper." Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack. Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more.

"I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better."

Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex.

Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me."

Satan smirks and says "Good choice, Mr. President." He looks down at Monica and says... "You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!"

_** Risque_

# Another Stained Dress **

Monica needed to get one of her dresses cleaned so she takes it to the dry cleaners. The man working there was an elderly man and was hard of hearing.

Monica said,"I need this dress cleaned."

The man said, "Come again?"

Monica replied, "No, it's just mayonaise."

_** Risque_

# Postal Service Employment *

A guy goes in to apply at the U.S. Postal Service for a job. During the interview, the interviewer asks the guy if he is a veteran. The guy says "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam."

Then the interviewer asks if the guy has any disabilities. The guy responds, "Well, I stepped on a land mine over there and blew my testicles off."

"Great!," responds the interviewer... we give disabled Vet preference. "You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."

"But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?", asks the guy.

"Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10... All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Jesse Jackson

Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he really was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately.

After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse and told him to drink it all.

Jesse did and replied, "That tasted like bullshit!"

The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low

# Saddam Doubles

The squad of eight Saddam doubles was summoned for an urgent meeting in a secret bunker somewhere beneath the Baghdad Hospital, apprehensive that they were about to be told their highly paid services were no longer required after the American bombing attacks.

The Propaganda Minister walked in and announced: "I've got good and bad news for you. First the good news. Our beloved leader, may Allah continue to preserve him, is still alive."

Cheers, whistles and whoops of joy all round.

"But the bad news," continued the Minister, "is that now he's only got one leg."

# Politics in 2004

Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?

Clark: This dead bulb is a serious national security problem. You can't fight terrorism in the dark. It's not just a one-sided mechanical problem, it's a vision problem. It's about persuading people that the light bulb needs to be changed. And I'm the only one of us who's gone out and bought light bulbs and changed them. I've changed them in Bosnia. Those Serb snipers kept shooting 'em out, and I put new ones right back in.

Dean: The insiders in Washington want you to believe that only they can change the light bulb! The power to bring light to this room is in your hands! It's time to take the ladder back! YOU HAVE THE POWER! YOU HAVE THE POWER! YEEAAAAAGGGGHHH!

Edwards: I have spent my life fighting against powerful special interests that keep you in the dark, that keep you from getting the light you deserve. Who's in the best position to change this light bulb, people who've spent their lives in politics, letting lobbyists write our energy bills, or someone who will stand up for you against these powerful interests that are taking your light away?

Gephardt: We need a whole new approach to lighting this room. We've had to deal with Republicans who say they want us to have light but don't want to pay for the bulb. We're not coming up with a long-term policy that will reduce our dependence on foreign-made light bulbs. And I've spent a lot of time at the top of a ladder thinking about how to get that done.

Graham: 10:58 - removed new bulb from box. 10:59 - climbed ladder, removed fixture, unscrewed old bulb. 11:00 - screwed new bulb in, replaced fixture. 11:01 - threw out old bulb. 11:02 - made sandwich.

Kerry: Eighteen months ago I voted not to change the light bulb, and I stand by that vote, because I trusted our president when he said the bulb did not need to be changed. Now I feel differently, and I realize that the bulb does need to be changed. I'm not in favor of putting in a 100-watt bulb. I believe what we need at this time is a 75-watt bulb. But these crooked, lying Republicans will tell you that you're un-American if you say we need light at all.

Kucinich: I'm telling you, compact fluorescents last three years on average and use one-fourth the power of incandescent bulbs. Why won't you listen to me?

Lieberman: Howard Dean would plunge us into an era of darkness that would last NINE HUNDRED YEARS.

Moseley Braun: At some point we have to show that women have a role in changing light bulbs too.

Sharpton: When you let this bulb go out, you let hope go out in the hearts of the disenfranchised people in this country who need light. They've got plenty of light up in the clubhouse, but they want to send the people out to the doghouse. They're afraid that if the light comes on, we'll see their hands in our pockets. You can't spell "greed" without "GE."

Bush: We've got a war going on. Now is not the time to be changing light bulbs.

Nader: These mass concentrations of power, privilege, and wealth have placed their rampaging global quest for maximum profits in the way of bringing light to the millions of excluded, expendable workers who make the bulbs and ... hey, wait! Where are you going? Come back here!

Roy Moore: All light comes from God.

# A Test of Bravery

It seems that Reagan and Gorbachev arranged a competition to determine whose nation had the bravest troops. The two leaders arrived, at the designated hour, on a plateau in Finland high above the water. Each was accompanied by a battalion of crack troops, smartly uniformed. The leaders shook hands.

Reagan went first. He addressed his battalion of Marines:

"Private Jones! Front and center."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Private Jones! March to the edge of the cliff."

Private Jones saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Private Jones! Jump!"

Jones just stood there, unmoving.

"Private Jones! I said jump!"

The man's knees started to shake, but he was otherwise motionless.

"Private Jones! This is your Commander-in-Chief. I ORDER YOU TO JUMP!!!" Private Jones wailed out: "I can't! I have a wife--and a family!"

The MPs arrived and escorted Jones away for court martial. Reagan backed off in disgrace. It was now Gorbachev's turn.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Front and center."

Comrade Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the front of the ranks, facing his commander.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! March to the edge of the cliff."

Dmitrivich saluted and briskly marched to the very edge of the cliff.

"Comrade Dmitrivich! Jump!"

Dmitrivich jumped off the cliff.

By some miracle, he is snagged on a branch and he lands on a crag some 50 feet below the top of the cliff. Dmitrivich is badly injured, but still alive and conscious. He is carried away on a stretcher.

As Dmitrivich is carried passed Private Jones, Jones cannot resist asking him:

"Dmitrivich! How could you do it? How could you jump?"

Dmitrivich answered: "I had to! I have a wife--and a family!"

# Soviet Succession

Lenin is dying, and talking things over with Stalin, his successor.

"The one worry I have," says Lenin, "is this: will the people follow you? What do you think, comrade Stalin?"

"They will," says Stalin, "they surely will."

"I hope so," says Lenin, "but what if they don't follow you?"

"No problem," says Stalin, "then they'll follow you."

# The Royal Robbery

Her Majesty, the Queen, and Her Royal Highness, Princess Diana, were out for a drive in the country. Suddenly, upon a quiet road, they were set upon and stopped by a highwayman. He forced them out of the car at gunpoint, and demanded their jewels.

"Give me your tiara, Ma'am," demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry," replied the Queen. "I did not wear my tiara today."

"Well then, give me your ring, your highness!" demanded the robber.

"I'm sorry, but I didn't wear my ring today," replied the Princess.

Frustrated, the robber waved them away, and drove off with the Bentley, getting at least something for his efforts. The Queen, Princess and their chauffeur made it back to Windsor castle, where they related their ordeal to the Queen Mother.

After the Queen Mother received an account of the robbery she turned to Queen Elizabeth and asked, "I thought that you wore your tiara today?"

"But I did. When I saw the robber pull us over, I hid the tiara in my private place."

The Queen Mother turned towards Diana and said, "And you - I thought you wore your ring today?"

"I did, but like Momsie, I hid the ring in my private place."

At this point the chauffeur interjected, "It's a shame, Ma'am, that Princess Margaret wasn't wi' us. We could have saved the Bentley!"

# Another Glass of Water

An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American Foods (french fries, cheeses, anchovies, etc.), and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and time again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you bastard son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the Grand Emir.

"A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul. "White man sit on well."

# Election Day Agreement

Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides.

Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?''

The other agrees enthusiastically and they part.

Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, "That was a sporting offer you made.''

"Not really,'' says the second. This is the third time I've done this today.

# Lewinski Limericks **

This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. Here are the 3 winners.

##### Entry # 1

There once was a gal named Lewinsky

Who played on a flute like Stravinsky

'Twas "Hail to the Chief"

on this flute made of beef

that stole the front page from Kaczynski.

##### Entry # 2

Said Bill Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky

We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,

Since you look such a mess,

use the hem of your dress

And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.

##### Entry # 3

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown

what Kaczynski must surely have known:

that an intern is better

than a bomb in a letter

given the choice of how to be blown.

_** Risque_

# Campaigning Tips

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, really?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

# Cultural Euphemisms **

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking about how one refers to the penis in their language.

The wife of Tony Blair says that in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.

The wife of Boris Yeltsin says that in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.

The wife of Chirac says that in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.

Then the wife of Clinton says that in the U. S. you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

_** Risque_

# One Final Debt

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything."

# Questions for Hillary

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

# Puny Alligator

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington,DC. the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?" "Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Blondes and the Law

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

# Blonde Casualty

A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President Bush and Colin Powell sitting together. He introduces himself and asks President Bush, "How goes the War effort, Sir?"

President Bush answers, "We're getting ready to kill 40 million Iraqi's and one blonde."

The guy asks in astonishment, "Why are you killing one blonde?"

President Bush turns to Colin Powell and says, "See, I told you people wouldn't care about the Iraqi's."

# Royal Wedding Night **

As Camilla was making last-minute preparations to walk down the aisle, she found that her shoes were missing. She was forced to borrow her sister's, which were a bit on the small side.

When the day's festivities were finally over, Charles and Camilla retired to their room, right next door to the Queen's and Prince Philip's. As soon as Charles and Camilla were inside their room, Camilla flopped on the bed and said, "Darling, please get these shoes off. My feet are killing me."

The ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked the right shoe with vigor, but it was stuck. "Harder!" Camilla yelled. "Harder!"

"I'm trying, darling!" The Prince yelled back. "It's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!"

There was a big groan from the Prince, and then Camilla exclaimed, "There! That's it! Oh that feels good! Oh that feels SO good!"

In the bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Philip and said, "See? I told you, with a face like that she was still a virgin."

Back in the bridal suite, Charles was trying to pry off the left shoe. "Oh, my God, darling! This one's even tighter!" exclaimed the heir to the throne.

At which Prince Philip turned to the Queen and said, "That's my boy - Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"

_** Risque_

# The Royal Coach

At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

# Medical Marvels

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

# Three Surgeons

Three surgeons were sitting in the hospital lunch room bragging about their greatest exploits. The first surgeon said "I once had a young boy who had lost all the fingers on his right hand in a farm machinery accident. I was able to reattach all the fingers, and with a few years of physical therapy he was able to regain complete control and in fact became a famous concert pianist."

Not to be outdone, the second surgeon said: "I once had a young man who had both of his legs severed in a automobile accident. I reattached the legs and with a few years of physical therapy he was not only able to walk again, but won the Boston Marathon two years in a row."

Finally the third surgeon said; "I don't want to minimize your accomplishments, but we had a fellow who was riding his horse down the railroad tracks when a speeding locomotive hit him at full speed. When they brought him to me all that was left was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Today he is President of the United States.

# Chapter 6

# Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a Martian in a Psychiatrist's office may appear here and in the Robot, Alien & Space Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Looks Like I'm Cured

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go on being a teapot."

# Unscheduled Appointment

The psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "Mr. Black is in the waiting room asking to see you again, and he doesn't have an appointment."

"What does he want to see me about this time?" Says the psychiatrist.

"This time he claims he's invisible," says the secretary.

"Tell him I can't see him," says the psychiatrist with a grin.

# Strange Dream Again

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.

"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again!"

"What dream?" asked the psychiatrist.

"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"

# A Cheaper Cure

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I`ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there`s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there`s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under... you gotta help me, I`m going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I`ll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I`ll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn`t you ever come to see me again?"

"For a hundred buck`s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

# Not My Subject

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

# Ready for Release

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

# Bad Advertising

A psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why!

The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places.

The sign read:

Psycho-

the-

rapist.

# A Real Horse Lover

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his psychiatrist.

"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel physically attracted to my horse."

"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you think I am, queer?"

# A Nutty Baseball Game

A doctor at an insane asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'"

# Simple Mental Quiz

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

# Goodbye Old Friends **

There is an elderly, blind Russian man in a mental hospital that thinks he will die. So he asks the beautiful nurse to accomplish his last wish.

"Nurse," he says, "I want to kiss the head of Nikita Krustchov."

"Nikita Krustchov? But he is dead for a long time," says the nurse.

"I don't care. I want to kiss his head," the man says. "This is my last wish!"

The nurse doesn't know what to do. Then she thinks of something. Since the old man is blind, the nurse takes out of her bra her beautiful breast and offers it to the man. He holds it, caresses it, and is very moved.

"Oh my dear Nikita, my old friend! How happy I am to see you again!" he says.

He keeps kissing the breast. The nurse begins enjoying the whole situation.

"What about kissing president Eisenhower's head?" she asks.

"Yes! Is he here too?" the man asks.

"Of course he is here," she says, and offers him her other breast.

"Oh my dear president, how happy I am to see you here," says the man kissing Eisenhower again and again.

The nurse likes all that very much, so she asks the man again, "What about Fidel Castro?"

_** Risque_

# Good Solution

A man is standing beside his disabled car on a deserted road when a boy comes up to him and engages him in conversation.

"What happened to your car mister?" says the boy.

"Well," says the man "I was driving down the road when the wheel came off my car. The wheel and the tire seem to be alright, but I can't find any of the lug nuts so I can't put the wheel back on the car, even though I have a jack and a lug wrench."

"Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use those, Three lug nuts should hold the wheel in place until you can drive into town and get some more," advises the boy.

"That's a great idea," says the man, "by the way where did you come from I haven't seen any traffic come down this road for over an hour?"

"I'm from the mental institution just over the hill," says the boy, "they let me off the grounds to take a walk every morning."

"A mental institution?" says the man in disbelief, "from the way you figured out how to solve my problem you seem way to smart to be in a place like that."

"I may be crazy," says the boy, "but I'm not stupid!!"

# How Often?

John just graduated with a degree in clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.

He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands are raised. He then asks, how many have sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands are raised. John then asks how many have sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands are raised. After John polls his group several more times he notices one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.

The guy says, "Once a year!"

"Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" asks John.

The grinning guy responds, "Tonight's the night!

# Theme Party ***

A psychiatrist decides to have a party and invites his patients, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts "Themed Party Come as a Human Emotion".

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says, "I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink".

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party".

A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark naked, with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Gee, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"

The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking discustad, and my friend here has come in dispair."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Obsessive Behavior

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed

with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

# Scholarly Texan

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' "

# I Think I'm a Dog

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Von Bernuth, and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started.

"No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough."

"Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

# Obsessed with Sex

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist says, "very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman on a bed making love."

The Psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

# Psychiatric Hotline

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

# Embarrassing Situation

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

# Guilty and Depressed

A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

# Start at the Beginning

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session, "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."

"Of course." replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

# Waiting Room Conversation

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?"

The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here."

The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?"

The second responds, "God told me I was."

At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

# Revolutionary Development

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it."

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."

# Your Kleptomania is Cured

"Great news, Mr. Oscarson," the psychiatrist reported. "After eighteen months of therapy, I can pronounce you finally and completely cured of your kleptomania. You'll never be trapped by the desire to steal again."

"Gee, that's great, Doc," the patient replied.

"And just to prove it, I want you to stop by Sears on the way home and walk the length of the store. You'll see - you'll feel no temptation to shoplift whatsoever."

"Oh, Doctor, whatever can I do to thank you?"

"Well," suggested the psychiatrist, "if you DO have a relapse, I could use a new microwave."

# Blonde in Therapy

One day a blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to a Psychiatrist.

Psychiatris: What was your dream about?

Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Psychiatris: (chuckles quitely) So... what is the scenery like?

Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Psychiatris: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that's the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can't open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn't budge!

Psychiatris: Can you describe the door?

Blonde: Yes it is a large white wooden door with a sign on it.

Psychiatris: What does the sign say?

Blonde: It said "Pull"

# Assertive Husband

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself, "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you. Go home and show her you are the boss."

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing ... you know who's going to comb my hair, adjust my pants, and then tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," says his wife calmly. "The undertaker."

# A Survey Discrepancy

A psychiatrist is involved in a sex research project for the loca University. As he is processing some of the material he has collected he notices some confusing data. To clear up the discrepancy he phones one of the participants in a recent survey to double check the information.

The psychiatrist asks the guy, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the guy, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

# Objective Analysis

A psychologist is at a party talking with a small group of people, when a man comes up behind him and taps him on the shoulder. The psychologist turns around and the man hauls off and decks him.

The psychologist gets up, brushes himself off, turns to the group and declares: "That's his problem."

# A Trip to Chicago **

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"

To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

_** Risque_

# Complicated Relationship

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blanky with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

# Obvious Treatment

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the hospital Chief of Staff walked in and asked what's wrong? The head nurse replied, ''We don't know what to do with this baby boy.''

The Chief of Staff examined the boy, then called in the hospital's staff psychiatrist and asked for his opinion.

So the psychiatrist took one look and said, "Well I agree with you, it's obvious that we should put him into a mental institution."

''Why,'' asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the psychiatrist, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

# Stand Up Stupid

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,

"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

# Premature Diagnoses

John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.David promptly jumped in to save him. He swam to the bottom of the pool and pulled John out.

The medical director came to know of David's heroic act... He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the Mental hospital, as he considered him to be okay.

Doctor: "We have good news and bad news for you, David! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your senses. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient whom you saved - John, hung himself in the bathroom, and died."

David replied: "Doctor, he didn't hang himself . . . I hung him there to dry."

# Sex Exercise Therapy *

An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said, "For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Three Psychiatrists

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"

They agreed this is a good idea.

The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

# Losing My Memory

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here!?!"

"Calm down sir! How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

# The Boy Next Door

"I'm worried," said the woman to her sex therapist. "I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's bodies."

"That's not unusual," smiled the therapist. "I wouldn't worry about it."

"But I am worried, doctor," insisted the woman, "and so is my daughter's husband!"

# Routine Treatment **

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

"This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor," he said, "Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy."

"We'll see," the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.

"Doctor, what are you doing?!?" he asked.

Flustered, the therapist replied, "Oh, it's you!

I'm only taking your wife's temperature!"

The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately on his sleeve. "Well, doc," he said, "when you take that thing out, it better have numbers on it!"

_** Risque_

# Treating the Nymphomaniac *

"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!"

"I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Schizophrenia

After several therapy sessions, the Psychiatrist told the patient "I have good news and bad news about your situation."

"What is the bad news?" Says the patient?"

The bad news is that you have schizophrenia," says the psychiatirist.

"So what is the good news? Says the patient.

You'll never be alone," says the psychiatrist.

# Asylum Humor

Two patients were sitting in the garden of a state mental asylum having a discussion. One of the patients asks: "How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?

"I don't know," says the second, "by the way they dress?"

"No," says the first patient, "the patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!"

# I Can Help You

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.

The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!"

The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"

# Rehabilitation Program *

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society."

"Wow, that's wonderful."

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?"

"I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out."

Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis.

The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?"

The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# He Thinks He's a Chicken

A woman takes her son to a psychiatrist office and tells them that he has a serious problem.

Psychiatrist: "What do you think is wrong with your son? "

Mother: "He thinks he's a chicken."

Psychiatrist: "How long has be been acting like a chicken?"

Mother: "For a little over three years now."

Psychiatrist: "Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

Mother: "His father was out of work and we needed the eggs."

# A Slight Perversion **

A woman goes to a Psychiatrist with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the psychiatrist, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

"What sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the psychiatrist.

"Well," said the woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it."

"Come, come, my dear. I'm a psychiatrist you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?"

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.

"Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?"

The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, "Well my perversion is... My perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!"

"Shit, is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!"

So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bottom."

Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the psychiatrist sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. "Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?"

"Oh I am," said the psychiatrist, "I've just shit in your handbag!"

_** Risque_

# You Need Help

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.

Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come." The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.

"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."

"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes" the man said. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"

# Blonde on the Road

A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist. "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing." 

# American Pride

An American walking through the streets of London, passed under Canary Wharf (London's biggest building). As he stood there looking up, a kid joined him.

After a while, the American turned to the kid and said, "Do you realize, son,that we have buildings like that in the States, only they're three times the size?"

"I'm not surprised," said the kid. "That's a Lunatic Asylum!"

# He Looked Very Angry

A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?" "Well, yes, I actually did once."

"And how did your husband look?"

"Angry, very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us!"

# A Peculiar Problem **

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

"My husband," she said, "always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me."

"Is that a problem?" asked the therapist.

"Well," she said, "the problem is he walks in his sleep!"

_** Risque_

# Experimental Drug **

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.

Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"

"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"

"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'"

_** Risque_

# Crazy Carpenter

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark!?!"

# Who is in Room 24

A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.

"Nobody" comes the reply.

"Good" says the man, "I must have escaped!"

# Walking Your Dog?

A doctor came to the mental hospital to visit his patients. In one of the rooms, he saw a man walking around, dragging a toothbrush on a leash.

The doctor asked the man: "What are you doing, walking your dog?"

The man replied: "Oh no, I'm just dragging my toothbrush on a leash."

The doctor left the room amazed, thinking how many normal people end up in mental institutions... And the man said to his toothbrush: "Ha, Fifi, we tricked him!"

# Insane Behavior

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

# Hit The Penny

There was a girl who just started working in a bank. Every day, she noticed that a very attractive man walked by her office. She discovered that he was the bank president and that he made quite a lot of money. She decided that she would like to get to know this man, but she was not quite sure what to do to get him to ask her out on a date.

She went to her analyst and he gave her some advice. While she was around this man he suggested that she pretend a string was attached to the top of her head and that it hung down her left side to her waist. She was to also to pretend that a penny was attached to the end of the string. When she walked near this guy she was to pretend to hit the penny with her left hip. This, stated the analyst, would cause him to notice her.

The next day, she passed the man in the hall and began moving her left hip. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the penny... hit the penny..." Just as the analyst predicted, the man noticed her and stopped to chat for a while.

This worked well for a few days, but the man never did ask her out. She talked to her analyst again, and this time he told her to pretend that she also had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down to her right hip. Attached to this string was a nickel. As she walked near the man she was now to use her hips to first hit the penny and then hit the nickel.

The next day at work, she saw the man and began moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the penny... hit the nickel..." Just as predicted, the man stopped her and asked her out on a date.

After a few weeks and numerous dates later, the girl decided that she wanted this man to ask her to marry him. After talking to her analyst, he suggested she pretend she had another string attached to the top of her head that hung down her back to her bottom, and attached to this string was a dime. She was now to use her hips to hit all of these coins.

The next day they had a date, and when she saw the man she began moving her hips again. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime..." That night, just as the analyst predicted, the man asked her to marry him.

She was very happy, and began to make wedding plans. She also began to worry about her honeymoon because she was a virgin and was not well versed in the art of making love. She talked to her analyst again and this time he told her to pretend that one more string was attached to the top of her head and than it hung down in front with a quarter to her private parts. He told her to hit all the coins when she was making love to her new husband.

A few weeks later her wedding day arrived. After the ceremony the newly married couple rushed off to their honeymoon. That night she went into the bathroom at the hotel and practiced moving her hips. "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter..."

Soon they were in bed together and as they began making love she started moving her hips. In her head she was thinking, "Hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... hit the penny... hit the nickel... hit the dime... hit the quarter... Oh, forget the small change... hit the quarter... hit the quarter... hit the quarter..."

# Suburban Sex Survey

A graduate stucent in psychology was writing his thesis on sexual frequency of surburban couples. He was going door to door gathering information and writing it down on his survey sheet. After a few successful interviews, he knocked on the door of a house which was answered by an attractive blonde woman.The student explained his purpose and asked the blonde if she would mind answering a few questions.

"No," she said, "I'm from Sweden and were very open about sex there."

"How many times a week do you usually have sex with your husband?" asked the student.

"Three times," she said without hesitation.

"That is once more often than your neighbour," the student said, writing.

"That makes sense," the blonde said, "after all, he's my husband."

# Eccentric Psychiatrist

One year at Halloween a rich business tycoon was giving a costume party in his palatial mansion. All the gentry were there and as they arrived the butler would announce what there characters were.

When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey and Minnie Mouse."

As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan and Jane."

...and so on as each guest arrived.

Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only in a pair of underpants but apart from that totally naked from head to toe.

"Who do you think you are?" demanded the butler. Having ascertained that the man was indeed an invited guest from the local university psychiatry department, the butler asked, "How shall I announce you?"

The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."

"I'm very sorry sir" said the butler in obvious shock, "I cannot announce anything like that to such a gathering."

"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in my pants."

# Choosing a Barber

Two guys are sitting in a barber shop waiting for a haircut, while two barbers were toiling over the customers in their respective chairs.

"I've never been here before," said the first man, "do you have a recommendation on which barber is the best?"

"Well I've never been here before either," says the second man, "but I'm going to wait for the barber on the left."

"Why do you think he would be the better barber?" says the first man.

"Because he has the worse haircut," says the second man, "barbers always cut each others hair."

"Never thought about that before," says the first man, "but it makes sense."

"The same thing applies when choosing a psychiatrist in a clinic," says the second man, " always chose the one who appears to be the most disturbed."

# ESP Lecture

The psychology professor entered the crowded lecture hall. He put his briefcase down and wrote in large block letters on the blackboard "ESP."

Then he turned to the class and said: "Todays lecture will be on Extra Sensury Perception. All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand."

# I Might be a Nympho

A woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office.

"What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

# Do You Know the Time

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

# Just Too Noisy

A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

# You're an Anomaly *

A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. "Doctor," she says, "my husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually anymore."

"Hmm," replies the doctor. "Have you considered taking a lover?"

"I did that," she says, "and I'm still not getting enough sex to satisfy me."

"How about taking another lover?"

"I keep trying that. I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still can't seem to get enough."

"My goodness," says the doctor, "you're quite an anomaly."

"Oh, thank God," says the woman. "Will you please tell them I'm an anomaly? They all keep calling me a slut."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Your Problem is Obvious *

A guy walks into a psychologists office wearing a pair of shorts made from Saran wrap.

So the psychologist says, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Easily Explained

A man goes to a sex therapist and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.

The therapist tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.

The following day, the wife goes to the therapist's office. The therapist asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?

"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."

"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'.

I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.

So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and don't want it anymore."

"Yes, I see," replies the therapist. "So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?

# Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

# Loonies Night Out

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Wednesdays.

As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."

Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.

So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.

He says to the publican, "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."

The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.

At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people give him a discount.

"Let's call It $150," he says.

The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?"

# Blonde and the Shrink

A very well-built, young, blonde lady was lying on her Psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed. I tried being a writer and failed. I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, Go ahead. I'll give it a try!"

_** Risque_

# Chapter 7

# Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a redneck in a cafe may appear here and in the Cafe & Restaurant Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# The Roadblock

Earl and Clyde had been drinking beer all afternoon and were headed home when they spotted a police roadblock up ahead. Earl pulled the truck over to the side of the road and says to Clyde, "what are we gonna do? If I get caught drinking and driving one more time they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key."

Clyde thinks for a minute and then says "pull a couple of labels off those beer bottles and then will ditch all the empty bottles here beside the road." After the empty beer bottles have been disposed of Clyde takes the two labels wets them with his tongue and sticks them on his arm and on Earl's as well.

When they get to the roadblock, the sheriff says "have you boys been drinking again?" At this point Clyde rolls up his sleeve to show the beer bottle label and says "No Sir, we're on the patch."

# Hit the Motherload *

Pa came through the door of the hillbilly cabin smiling from ear to ear. He had obviously been drinking and he had a large sack of goodies which he plunked in the middle of the kitchen table.

"What's all this?" asked Ma.

As Pa unpacks the sack he has two bottles of store bought whiskey, a new bone handled whittling knife, a few plugs of chewing tobacco, a box of twelve guage shotgun shells, and a new washboard for Ma.

"We can't afford all this stuff, "says Ma.

"Twas all free, cause I won the money in a bet. Ya see while I was in town I stopped in the saloon for a quick drink and these fella were all over the bar placing waggers on who had the biggest cock," says Pa. "So I wait till the betting gets up a ways and then I get into the contest. I won twenty bucks and got lots of free drinks from the crowd."

"I know that's a lot of money Pa, but you promised you would never take that thing out in public," scolds Ma.

"Oh," says Pa, "I didn't take it all out -- just enough to win!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Redneck Romance *

Lem had been dating Suzie May for several weeks but had not been able to get to first base with her. One evening after he had taken her home he stopped by the diner for a cup of coffee and a piece of pie. As he was finishing his pie, he saw J.R. Stevens come into the dinner and sit in a booth nearby. Knowing that J.R. had a reputation as a ladies man, Lem took his coffee and went to sit down with J.R.

"Could you give me some advice on how to handle girls, I don't seem to have the knack," said Lem.

"Tell me how a typical date goes with you Lem," said J.R.

"Well I usually take them to a movie at the Palace and maybe a burger at the drive-in. Then I drive up to Lookout Point and makes my move," said Lem, "but I always strike out."

"You just cant make your move that fast," said J.R..,"You need to woo her a little first. Give her a complement about her hair, her clothes or even how nice she smells. Yea, chicks always like you to show interest in them and complement them so ask her what kind of perfume she wears and tell her how much you like it on her."

So on his next date with Suzie May, Lem goes up to Lookout Point as usual but instead of making his move he says "Suzie May what is that you have on?"

Suzie May is very impressed and says "Why its Channel Number Five."

"Well it sure smells nice on you," says Lem.

Feeling that she should return the complement Suzie May says "Lem what is that you have on?"

Lem thinks for a moment then responds "Well I have a hard on, but I didn't know you could smell it clear over there."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Bit Hasty

A young man had returned to his folk's farm in the hills of Arkansas and was telling his family about the great girl he had met in the big city. He was anxious to ask her to marry him, but wanted to get his family's blessing before he popped the question. So he was extolling her virtues and making her sound as acceptable as possible.

"She is really good looking, is a great cook, loves kids, has a great personality, she is willing to work hard, she is healthy as a horse, and to top it off -- she is still a virgin," exclaims the son.

"Well it sounds like you are really sold on her," exclaims the father, "but I think you might be acting a bit hasty."

"What could possibly be wrong with her?'" asks the son.

"Well if she isn't good enough for her own family," says the father, "why do you think she is good enough for ours?"

# Down Home Party

Sam had been a computer programmer for 25 years, and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job in Seattle and buys 50 acres of land in Northern Idaho, as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is this big, bearded local standing there.

"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this, I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving, he stops, and says, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin."

"Not a problem...after 25 years as a programmer, I can hang with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be some fightin', too."

Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there...by the way, what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

# Dixie Christmas

A New Yorker was driving through a small Southern town at Christmas time. In addition to a large Christmas tree in the center of the town square, there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature really stood out in the display. The three wise men were each wearing a firemen's helmet.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the New Yorker thought he would have to stop and inquire. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at him, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

The New Yorker assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage.

Sticking it in his face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

# Black Box Recordings

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 45 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were:

"Oh, Shit!"

Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Missouri, Georgia and Alabama were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer and watch this!"

# No Pain - No Gain

Redneck goes to a pharmacist and says: "I've got a hot date fer tonight, an' I needs me some pertection. How much is a pack a' them thar rubbers gonna cost me?"

To which the pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

To which the redneck replies: "TACKS! Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves??"

# Fruits of Love *

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains of Arkansas. They had registered on Saturday and hadn't been seen for two days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her redneck husband to check on them. The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers.

The old man asks, "Are you young folks all right? Ya must be hungry and Ma has some tasty vittles on the stove."

"We're just fine," the woman answered. We're living on the fruits of love."

After a few more days with without any sign of the newlyweds the wife again dispatches the husband to check on the young couple.

After knocking on the door the Redneck says "Look I know you flatlanders are on your honeymoon, but you got to be starved by now and we could bring you a sandwich or a bowl of soup."

"Were not hungry" responded the man, "were living on the fruits of love."

"That's just fine," says the redneck,, "but would you stop throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Good Old Boy *

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Let's be Practical

Pa was relaxing on the porch of his hillbilly cabin enjoying a sip of corn wiskey when one of his sixteen kids came screaming up to the porch with distressing news. Ma, who was inside boiling the wash, came out to see what the commotion was.

"What's all the excitement about?" asked Ma.

"Apparently one of our youngens fell down the hole in the outhouse," says Pa calmly.

They go up the hill to the outhouse and Pa reaches down and extracts a young boy who is completely covered with crap. Pa takes one look at the kid and tosses him back down the hole.

"What are you doing?" screams Ma.

"It's easier to make a new one than to clean that one up," says Pa as he walks back down the path.

# Not Old Enough *

Little Billy was spending the weekend with his grandparents in their cabin in the hills of Arkansas. He was watching his grandpa whittle and finally asked "can I use your knife and whittle for a while?"

"Nope," says grandpa "you're not old enough -- when your dick hangs down to your knee you'll be old enough for a knife."

After a while Billy asks "Can I go hunting with you tomorrow morning?"

"Nope," says grandpa "you're not old enough -- when your dick hangs down to your knee you'll be old enough to go hunting."

"Well," says Billy, "can I have a drink of the stuff you have in your jug?"

"Nope," says grandpa "you're not old enough -- when your dick hangs down to your knee you'll be old enough to drink this stuff."

So Billy is now feeling very dejected so he goes into the cabin and just mopes around. Wanting to cheer Billy up his grandma bakes him a batch of his favorite cookies. Billy takes his cookies and a glass of milk and goes out on the porch to eat them. Grandpa smells the fresh cookies and goes up to Billy and asks for a cookie."

"Nope," says Billy, "you're not young enough -- but I tell you what you can do with that long dick of yours."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Fancy Contraption

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their? life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,

"Boy, go git yo Momma...."

# A Letter from Down Home

Dear Billy Joe Bob,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back, they drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Love and kisses, Your favorite aunt

# Redneck Brain Teaser

One day there were two rednecks walking down a dirt path. One of them had a big potato sack over his shoulder. The other decided to ask what was in the sack.

When he asked, the first redneck said, ''I got me some chickens for dinner tonight. Mmm Mmm Mmm... Chicken sure sounds good tonight.''

The other one wanted to know how many chickens were in the sack.

''Well I'll tell you,'' replied the first redneck, ''If you can guess how many chickens I got in this here sack I'll give them both to you.'

# Arkansas State Census Form

Last Name: _______________ First Name: (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Jack (_) Billy-Jefferson (Check appropriate box)

Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation: (_)Farmer (_)Mechanic (_)Hair Dresser (_)Unemployed

Spouse's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet

Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)

___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed

Model and year of your pickup: ___________194_

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_)The National Enquirer (_)The Globe (_)TV Guide (_)Soap Opera Digest

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable

Color of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)don't know

# Hickphonics Dictionary

The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.

Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.

Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.

Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.

Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.

Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.

Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.

Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.

Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.

Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.

Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.

Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).

Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.

Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.

Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.

Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.

Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.

Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.

Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

# Won for Sure

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'".

"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

# Bubba Claus

A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. Please read the following carefully.

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the Earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads: ''These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.''

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Claus's sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear ''On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen...'' when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, ''On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin, and Labonte, on Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.''

5. ''Ho, ho, ho!'' has been replaced by ''Yee Haw!'' And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, ''I her'd dat!''

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus's sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words ''Back Off!'' The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as ''Miracle on 34th Street'' and ''It's a Wonderful Life'' will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see ''Boss Hogg Saves Christmas'' and ''Smokey and the Bandit IV'' featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like ''Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer'' and Bing Crosby's ''Santa Claus is Coming to Town.'' This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark Chesnutt's ''Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Cledus T. Judd's ''All I Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s ''If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It.''

Sincerely Yours, Santa Claus North American Fairies and Elves Local 209

# Poor Old Bubba *

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Redneck Christmas Eve

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack

Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back.

The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,

With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds,

While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.

And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.

Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.

When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,

I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.

I ran to the door, like I's on a mission,

But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's transmission.

The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'.

Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out parkin'.

When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see

But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep.

With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick

I said, "Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!

More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came

And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by name.

Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!

On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!

From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins

Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!

I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.

Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.

He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,

I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog.

He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,

And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt.

A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,

And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in 'Nam.

His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.

From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.

A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.

The veins on his face looked ready to pop.

The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip

He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.

He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.

I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly.

He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three

And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me.

A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head,

From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed.

He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic,

Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics.

His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice

But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price.

He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells.

Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies,

And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size.

When the presents were gone and he had no more,

He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door.

He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order

"Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!"

And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl,

"MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL... YEE HAWWWW!

# Crossing the River

There was a Kentucky redneck and an Ohio buckeye, fishing on their respective sides of the Ohio river. Just as soon as the redneck put his line in the water, he slung a fish onto the bank, and the buckeye was catching nothing, so he yelled across to the redneck, ''Buddy, I'd sure like to be on your side of the river!''

''Aight, tell ya whut, I'll shine my flashlight 'cross this river, and you can walk across this little beam of light!'' the redneck yelled back.

The buckeye replied, ''Hain't no way, buddy. I know you think I'm a fool! When I get halfway 'cross, you'll turn your flashlight off!'

# Everybody's Named David

A woman from Arkansas went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

# Rednecks to the Rescue *

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone.

Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. They know that there is not enough time to call the paramedics, so they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.

The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.

Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right, that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# They Just Keep a Coming

In the back woods of Arkansas, a young farmer's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

# Directions to the Restroom

The headwaiter of a five-star, elegant restaurant recoiled in disgust as a redneck in muddy boots, torn jeans, a dirty leather jacket, with long, stringy dirty hair, and a beard full of old crumbs of food marched right towards him.

The man said, "Yo, bucko, where's your crapper?"

The headwaiter calmly replied, "Go down the hall and turn left. When you see the sign marked 'Gentlemen', pay absolutely no attention to it and go right inside."

# Redneck Birth Control

A redneck and his wife from the hills of Arkansas move up north to Ohio. They decide that they don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a local doctor in Ohio.

The doctor notices the man has an accent and asks what state he is from. The redneck says that he is from Arkansas. The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10.

The redneck isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor. When the secondt doctor finds out that the redneck is from Arkansas, he gives him the same directions as the first doctor did.

The redneck figures that the doctors must be right. So he goes home, puts a lit cherry bomb in a soda can, and starts to count. ''1...2...3...4...5...''

The redneck then takes the soda can and puts it between his legs to continue counting on his right hand. ''6...7...8...9...''

# Fancy Book Learning

A Hillbilly family's only son had saved up money to go to college and after about 3 years he came back home. They were sitting around the dinner table when the dad said, ''Well son, you done gone to college so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?''

''Ok, Pa'', the son said then, ''Pi R squared.''

After a moment the Dad said, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.'

# You Can't Cheat Me

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it where the man verifies his ticket number.

The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

To which the man replied, "No sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.

The Redneck said, "I want all my money RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it."

Again the man patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.

The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!'

# Poetry Contest *

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu."

The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"'Slowly across the desert sand

Trekked the dusty caravan.

Men on camels, two by two

Destination -- Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.

Met three whores in a pop-up tent.

They was three, we was two,

So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Southern Sex Education *

A woman from Alabama, who knew absolutely nothing about sex, fell in love with a man and agreed to marry him. The honeymoon went well and was great fun, but as soon as she got home, she went to see her doctor to question him on some of the new things she'd seen.

"What can I help you with?'' he asked.

''Well first, what is that thing between my husband's legs called?''

''Ma'am,'' he answered, ''that there is called a penis.''

''I see,'' she said. ''Now what is the big thing on the end of the penis called?''

''Why that there is called the head of the penis.''

''I do declare!'' exclaimed the young woman. ''One last question doctor, what are those two big round things about 12 to 14 inches behind the head of the penis?''

''I'm not sure about your husband, ma'am, but on me, they're called the cheeks of my ass!'

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Alabama Football Fans

Bubba was Alabama's star high school lineman. He was great at football, but not at academics. The principal was letting it slide until one day he decided that Bubba's grades had to be better. They decided to make him take a test. It was only one math problem.

Everyone wanted to support Bubba out in the stands, so they held the test in the middle of the football stadium, so everyone could see. His math teacher went out to the center of the field with Bubba. It was test time.

The teacher said, ''Ok, Bubba. What is six plus three?''

Bubba sat and thought. Then he said, ''nine,'' confidently.

But out in the stands, everyone was yelling, ''Aw, c'mon. Give him another chance!''

# Now Smile

Three corpses are lying in a morgue in Alabama, and a detective goes into the coroner's to find the causes of death. The coroner points to the first dead man.

"This is Cletus," he says. "He died of shock after winning 20 million on the lottery."

He then moves on to the second smiling corpse. "This is Bo," the coroner says with a grin. "He died having sex with Trudy-May."

Finally he moves on to the last smiling corpse. "This is Roscoe," says the coroner. "He died after being struck by lightning."

"Well," asks the detective, "Why in hell was the fool smiling?"

"Oh," says the coroner. "He thought he was having his picture taken."

# You're Still Too Young

Bubba was from the lower valley, and he decided he wanted to get married to his sweetheart. So, while enjoying some grits and gravy for dinner one evening, Bubba brought up the subject with his Ma and Pa.

"Bubba, you can't get married yet," insisted Ma. "You're the baby of the family."

"But Ma," Bubba protested, "I just had my 38th birthday last week."

"We know that, Bubba," Pa chimed, "but your Ma and me think you should put off getting married until after you graduate from high school."

# Redneck First Aid

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay, he's dead."

# Very Old Grave

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."

# Pure Logic

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do."

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin' ?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example.

Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're QUEER, ain't ya?"

# Redneck Olympians

Three rednecks were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village while in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first says, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walks up to the table and states, "Angus MacPherson. Scotland. Shotput." He opens his gym bag to display a shotput to the registration attendant.

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

The first guy gets inspired and grabs a small tree sapling, strips off the limbs and roots, walks up the registration table and states: "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant says, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabs a street utility manhole cover, walks up to the registration table and states: "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant says, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is your packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scamper in, but suddenly realize the third guy is missing. They groan, because he's a simpleton from the hills of Vermont. They forgot to make sure he doesn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

Just then he walks proudly up to the table with a roll of barbed wire under his arm and states: "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."

# Lawyers Served Here

A Redneck walked into a bar in Georgia, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Yes we do," said the bartender.

"Good," replied the redneck. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

# Sport Analogies

Two black guys, Leroy and Amos are sitting outside Leroy's gas station in rural Alabama having an RC Cola. Leroy says "It sure is hard being black. We get the bad end of the deal with every sport. Hockey is a bunch of white guys slappin a black puck around. Pool you have a white ball trying to knock the black ball and all the other colored balls in a hole."

"That's not entirely true," says Amos, "in bowling the shoe is on the other foot."

"How is that?" Says Leroy.

"Well," says Amos, "in bowling you have a big black ball knocking down a bunch of white rednecks."

# Yankee Truck Driver

A yankee truck driver is driving through a little town in Georgia with a truck load of bowling balls. In this town there are two redneck state troupers who hate yankee truck drivers with a passion. The truck driver sees the two and turns off at the next exit. He sees a little black boy on a bike hitch hicking he picks up the little boy but tells him, "you cant ride up here but you can ride in the back."

So he put's the little black boy and his bike in the back and get's back on the interstate. the two state cops see him again and pull him over they start giving him hell just looking for something to write him up for. They can't find anything so they are about to let him go then one says to the other, "We forgot to check the back."

So one goes to the back opens the doors, slams them back comes up to the truck driver. The cop is whiter than a ghost and scared as hell, and says "Get the hell out of my town, get the hell out of my county, get the hell out of my state and don't ever come back." So the truck driver leaves.

When they get back into the squad car one looks at the other and says "what the hell did you see back there that got you so upset?"

The other says, "That yankee trucker was hauling a load of black baby eggs from up North and one had already hatched and stolen a bike."

# Redneck Fishing Trip

Two rednecks from Alabama go in partners on a loto ticket and end up winning a million dollars. Since they are now rich, they are going crazy trying to figure out how to spend their new found wealth. They finally decide to go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the rednecks catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One redneck turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The other redneck says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

# Big Old Alligator

One day, Granny sent her grandson Clem down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Granny's kitchen.

"Now, where's my bucket and my water?" Granny asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Granny" cried Clem. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Clem. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Granny," replied Clem, "If he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"

# Redneck Elk Hunters

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!"

The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."

# The Farmer's Divorce

A redneck farmer from Alabama walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces."

The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

# Indian Mating Call

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods. All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave. The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?

"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season. When Indian men see cave, they holler, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."

Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"

With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read, "NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN"

# Borrowing the Truck ***

A hillbilly girl came up to her dad who was sitting in a beaten up armchair. "Pa, kin ah borrow the truck to-nahgt?" she asked.

Her dad looked up to her and said, "Darlin', yew know what yew haf t'do if'n yew wants to borrer th' truck."

"But Pa! Ah haf t'go naow!" the hillbilly girl cried.

Her daddy stood up and unzipped his pants. "Yew know perfectly well what yew haf t'do. On yer knees, bitch!"

The hillbilly girl complied and started sucking her dad's cock. After a few seconds she stopped in disgust and looked up to her dad. "Gee Pa, yore dick shore tastes like shit!"

Her dad slapped his forhead and said, "Dammit, Ah forgot! Ah already loaned the truck to yer brother just a few minutes ago!"

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# A Really Tough Test

Two redneck football players , Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

# The Redneck and the Nun **

A redneck gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The redneck looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the redneck, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you". The redneck says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God. If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The redneck decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the dark cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the redneck jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD. I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The redneck agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the redneck finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts "Ha, Ha Ha I'm the redneck!!"

Then the nun jumps up, throws off her habit, and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

_** Risque_

# Redneck Carpenters

A couple of rednecks in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the rednecks walked into the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The redneck paused for a moment and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, - "A long time. We're gonna build a house..."

# Hillbilly Interview *

There was a reporter from the city stuck in a small mountainous town in West Virginia. He decided to use the time by getting a good story to submit to his boss. He saw an old man sitting outside a local store and went over to begin the interview.

"Sir, I am writing a story about people in this area and would like to include an interesting story from you. Is there any particular story that you would like to share?"

The old hillbilly smiled to himself as he thought back on a time. "Well, thar was the time I lost my sheep. We gathered up a bunch of the boys, got some moonshine in us and went off after it. When we found the sheep, we all took turns screwing it....my, that was fun!"

The reporter couldn't write a story about that so he asked for another.

"Well, when my neighbor's wife got lost, we all gathered up and got drunk and went out to look for her. We had a good time taking turns with her when we found her, too. Damn that was a lot of fun!"

The reporter was frustrated. "Sir, I can't submit a story like that. Maybe you oughta tell me about a not so fun time you had."

"Well," the hillbilly said as he fidgited in his chair, he looked up at the reporter with a pained expression, "thar was that time "I" got lost..."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Cheating Redneck Wives

Otis, Henry, and Tom were sitting in a bar discussing their wives. Henry started by saying, "I think my wife is fooling around on me. I went home the other day and found a hammer and a saw under our bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a carpenter!"

Tom answered, "Ya, I think my wife is not faithful either. The other day I went home and found a pipe wrench and some pipes under my bed. I think she is cheatin' on me with a plumber!"

Otis then joins in and says, "Well, if you think that's bad, I've got one for ya. I went home yesterday and found a cowboy under my bed. I think my Lina is cheatin' on me with a horse!"

# Turn to Stone

A Young hillbilly kid from the hills of West Virginia had joined the navy and was on liberty with his shipmates in New York City. When his friends had found out that he had never been to a strip show and had never seen a naked woman, they took he to a strip club and had a great time watching his reaction.

After a few table dances, the young hillbilly got up from his table and ran outside the club. One of his buddies followed him out to see what was the matter.

"Are you OK," says the shipmate.

"I don't know," says the hillbilly, "my mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!"

# Redneck Pickup Routine

This suave-looking Redneck, (ok, just pretend there is one) walks into a bar and sees a cute little rich girl who's had too much to drink.

He says to her, "Hey, baby...whataya say we go back to your place and get it on!

Lost in her drink, she replies - "Sure, why not!"

They get to her place, and she lies on the bed and says, "Ok, show me what you do best!".

Without delay, the Redneck rips off his jacket, - grabs her T.V., VCR, and purse and runs out the door!

# Robot Bartender

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ and what would you like to drink?"

The man replied, "130, and I'd like a glass of merlot." So the robot proceeded to pour the man a glass of wine and make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is an exceptionally good feature."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ and what would you like to drink?"

The man responded, "100 and I'd like a rum and coke." So the robot mixes his drink and started talking about the superbowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ and what would you like to drink?"

The man replied, "60 and I'd like a beer."

The robot then said, "So, how are things in Arkansas these days?"

# Switching Sides

A redneck goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live."

The redneck sits for a while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist."

The doctor asks,"You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?"

The redneck says, "Better one of them should die than one of us!"

# The Redneck's Bad Breath

A redneck named Clem finally agrees to see the doctor because his wife can't stand his foul breath.

The doctor examines him and gives him some advide on how to solve his bad breath problem.

When he gets home his wife asks him what the doctor had recommended.

"Well," says Clem, "he gave me a couple of ways to solve the problem.

"What were they?" Asks the wife.

"He told me I sould either stop biting my nails or stop scratching my hemorrhoids!"

# Tight Shoes

A hillbilly from the Ozark Mountains decides that since he turned twenty-one he should have a pair of store bought shoes. He goes into town, walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes. After walking up and down the aisle a few times the hillbilly is approached by a sales clerk.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well they feel a bit tight," replies the hillbilly.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the redneck's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says.

"Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth," says the hillbilly holding onto his tounge.

# Redneck Toilet Paper

Two rednecks were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So they stopped the truck and he went behind the bushes. When he came back the other said "That was fast."

"Well I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with."

The other answers, "That's easy just go on back, pull out a dollar, and wipe your ass with it."

"O.K." he says as he goes back over to the bush.

Later he comes back with a really upset look on his face and shit all over his hands and says "That was a terrible idea.

Not only did I get shit all over me, I've got 10 Dimes Stuck up my ass!"

# Really Ugly Shoes

Ten hillbilly recruits had just arrived at the Army training camp by bus and were lined up in their civilian clothes for an initial inspection. All of the men were barefoot except one young fellow who had a pair of clod hopper style farm shoes.

"Hey johnson!" yelled the drill instructor, " those are the ugliest shoes i've ever seen! "

"Yes, sir" the young man answered.

"Those shoes are really really ugly, right?" hollered the D.I again

"Yes, sir!"

"And that hair- dont they have barbershops where you came from?"

"Yes, sir", answered the recruit.

"So why didnt you get a haircut?"

"I was saving up for shoes, sir!"

# Redneck Testicles

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried," said the husband. "My testicles are turning purple."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor, "let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are purple.

The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape," says the wife.

# Fix the Outhouse

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!

# The Ghost Car

This hobo was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night , just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the hobo jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the hobo was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The hobo saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the hobo watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the hobo was telling the truth and had been stone sober at the time.

About half an hour later two rain soaked cajuns walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."
French Terror Alert

Two elderly, redneck veterans were siting on a bench in the park of a rural Alabama township. One of the guys looks up from his paper and says "I see that in light of the Madrid bombing and other events in Europe, France has raised its terror alert from low to moderate."

"Yea," says the other, "from there it probably elevates to the next four levels, which are run, hide, surrender, and collaborate."

# Rednecks and Religion

Two rednecks were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg in a cast.

The first redneck asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?"

"I slipped in the bathtub, says the nun."

The second redneck asked the first "What's a bathtub?"

"How should I know," says the first redneck, "I'm not Catholic!"

# Redneck Duck Hunters

Two rednecks, Clem and Jeb, have gotten tired of coon hunting in Alabama so they decided to head up North to try their hand at duck hunting. They hunt and hunt and hunt into the late hours of the evening and still have not killed one duck.

Finally, Jeb says to Clem: "Maybe we'd do better if we threw the dog up higher."

# Blessing Race Horses

Bubba was from Alabama and was a hard-shell Southern Baptist. He loved to sneak away to the race track. One day he was there betting on the ponies and losing his shirt when he noticed a priest step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse -- a very long shot -- won the race.

Bubba was most interested to see what the priest did in the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses. Bubba made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Bubba collected his winning and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race.

The priest showed, blessed a horse, Bubba bet on it, and it won! Bubba was elated! As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one of the horses, and it always came in first. Bubba began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true.

He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew big money and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses.

Bubba bet every cent, and watched the horse come in dead last. He was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest.

He demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost my savings, thanks to you!!"

The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with you Protestants you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."

# Rich TV Evangelist

The successful TV evangelist named Jim, had just moved back to his old home town in Tennessee. One day he stopped by the diner he had frequented in his early days and ran into an old school chum named Clyde.

"Why it's Old Slick Jimmy," says Clyde, "haven't seen you for years. What have you been up too?"

"Oh," just doing the Lords work," says Jim, haven't you ever seen me on TV.

"No I don't get into town much and don't have a TV up on the farm," says Clyde. "Are you in town for long Jimmy?"

"Ya ," says Jim, " "I bought the old Carver Mansion and plan to stay there when I'm not on the road."

"You must be loaded," says Clyde, "and I see you've got a new Mercedes-Benz out front and this expensive silk suit. How did you get so rich?"

"Just doing the Lords work," says Jim.

"Boy," says Clyde, "doing the Lords work must pay pretty well."

"Well," says Jim, "there's a sucker born again every minute."

# Moosehead Beer **

A redneck walks into a bar in Minnesota and orders a beer.

"I Can tell from your accent, you're not from around here," says the bartender as he gives the redneck his beer.

"Nope," says the redneck, "I'm from the hills of Arkansas. By the way I'm a little curious about that sign over the bar that says 'Moosehead'".

"Oh," says the bartender, "That's a brand of beer. You probably don't have that down south."

"Nope," says the redneck, "back home moosehead isn't a beer it's a misdemeanor ."

_** Risque_

# Cows and Aliens

Two old rednecks named Chet and Clyde are sitting in their rockers on the porch of a retirement home in Southern Louisana. Chet looks up from his newspaper and says: "I find it absolutely amazing that the U.S. government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and determine exactly what that cow ate. They can also track her calves right to their stalls and tell you what kind of feed they ate."

"Then why." says Clyde, "are they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around in the country, including people who are trying to blow up important structures?"

"Well," says Chet, "maybe they should give every illegal alien a cow as soon as they enter the country."

# Southern Biker

A Southern biker was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?"

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. "Yale," she replied.

The biker took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"

# Crude Oil

Clem and Amos are sitting on the porch of Clem's cabin in Oklahoma. Clem takes a draw on his corncob pipe and says "Amos, what's black, bubbles out of the ground and says 'Underpants?'"

Amos thinks for a minute and then says "Don't rightly know, Clem."

Clem laughs and says: "Crude Oil."

Not to be outdone, Amos says: "What's black, bubbles out of the ground and says 'lingerie?'"

Clem scratches his head, rubs his chin and after a while says: "OK I give up."

Amos leans back in his rocker smiles and says; "Refined Oil."

# Tough Sobriety Test

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed over his license.

Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of large knives. The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there back seat?"

The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."

The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler; well you don't say. Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He offered to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of demonstration. He said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him at gunpoint.

Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up with Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty pickup truck. He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side. All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest phone booth and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry Lee.

When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do when you leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are giving a sobriety test that nobody can pass!"

# Redneck in Vegas

After a redneck had been served in the Las Vegas cocktail lounge, he beckoned the waitress back and said, "Miss, would y'all give me a piece of ass?"

She looked him over, smiled and said, "Sure, why not? It's pretty slow here right now, so let's go!"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the redneck sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else?"

"Yes," replied the redneck. "Where ah come from in Arkansas, we lack our bourbon 'n watuh cold, so ah still need a piece uh ass for mah drink."
Terry's Joke Collection

**Volume I - Animal to Bar Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Animal Jokes

Chapter 2 - Aviation Jokes

Chapter 3 - Bar & Pub Jokes

**Volume II - Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Barber & Beautician Jokes

Chapter 2 - Bedside Jokes

Chapter 3 - Blind & Deaf Jokes

Chapter 4 - Blonde Jokes

Chapter 5 - Cafe & Restaurant Jokes

Chapter 6 - Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

Chapter 7 - College & University Jokes

Chapter 8 - Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Chapter 10 - Domestic Staff Jokes.

**Volume III - Drugstore to Genie Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Engineer & Programmer Jokes

Chapter 3 - Farm & Rural Jokes

Chapter 4 - Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Fishing & Camping Jokes

Chapter 6 - Funeral & Cemetery Jokes

Chapter 7 - Garden of Eden Jokes

Chapter 8 - Gay & Lesbian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Genie & Magic Jokes

**Volume IV - Golfing to Kid Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Golfing Jokes

Chapter 2 - Heaven & Hell Jokes

Chapter 3 - Hobo & Drunk Jokes

Chapter 4 - Hooker & Stripper Jokes

Chapter 5 - Hotel & Motel Jokes

Chapter 6 - Hunting & Trapping Jokes

Chapter 7 - Kid & School Jokes

**Volume V - Lawyer to Medical Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

Chapter 2 - Marriage & Relationship Jokes

Chapter 3 - Medical & Hospital Jokes

**Volume VI - Military to Newlywed Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Military & Nautical Jokes

Chapter 2 - Miscellaneous Jokes

Chapter 3 - Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

Chapter 4 - Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Newlywed Jokes

**Volume VII - Nurse to Redneck Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

Chapter 2 - Parent & In-Law Jokes

Chapter 3 - Poker & Gambling Jokes

Chapter 4 - Police & Prison Jokes

Chapter 5 - Political Jokes

Chapter 6 - Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

Chapter 7 - Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

**Volume VIII - Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Religion & Clergy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

Chapter 3 - Sales & Office Jokes

Chapter 4 - Senior Citizen Jokes

**Volume IX - Sports to Train Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Sports & Recreation Jokes

Chapter 2 - Substitute Jokes

Chapter 3 - Supermarket Jokes

Chapter 4 - Teen & High School Jokes

Chapter 5 - Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes 
