♪ ♪ ♪
( SNORING )
>> Stephen: OH, HEY.
I JUST HAD THE WEIRDEST DREAM.
I WAS FULLY CLOTHED.
ANYWAY, WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, IF YOU WATCH THE SHOW
EVERY NIGHT-- AND I HOPE YOU
DO-- YOU KNOW THAT LAST NIGHT,
MY GUEST WAS NEW YORK SENATOR
CHUCK SCHUMER, SEEN HERE TRYING
TO REMEMBER THE LAST PLACE HE
SAW HIS GLASSES.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE WATCHED
HIM ON "THE LATE SHOW?"
DONALD TRUMP.
TODAY, HE TALKED ABOUT IT ON THE
RADIO SHOW OF CONSERVATIVE
COMMENTATOR AND LIVING CAN OF
PROTEIN POWDER, DAN BONGINO.
AND-- SPOILER-- THE PRESIDENT
WASN'T IMPRESSED WITH SCHUMER.
AND-- SPOILER-- THE PRESIDENT
WASN'T IMPRESSED WITH SCHUMER.
>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD!
DONALD TRUMP WATCHED MY
INTERVIEW!
MR. PRESIDENT, I KNOW YOU MAY
NOT HAVE LIKED SENATOR SCHUMER,
BUT YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT MY
MONOLOGUE.
I SAY YOUR NAME A LOT.
YOU'RE KIND OF THE STAR-- IN
THAT, YOU'RE SLOWLY EXPANDING TO
DESTROY ALL OF US.
WHO AM I KIDDING?
HE WASN'T THRILLED WITH ME,
EITHER.
>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, I
HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS.
AND IT'S NOT THAT JOHNNY'S DEAD.
IT'S THAT HE THOUGHT YOU WERE A
JOKE, TOO.
>> DON'T WORRY ABOUT GENNIFER
FLOWERS.
SHE GOT FIRED.
BUT SHE GOT A NEW JOB TODAY AS A
DONALD TRUMP BACKUP MISTRESS.
>> Stephen: HELLO!
ALSO, I'LL TELL YOU HOW I MAKE
MONEY.
I DON'T BANKRUPT MY CASINOS.
NOW, OF COURSE, I'M IN THE MEAT
IN A TWITTER FIGHT SANDWICH,
BECAUSE TRUMP ALSO TWEETED
ABOUT IT AND SCHUMER RESPONDED:
"I'M GLAD TO SEE PRESIDENT TRUMP
IS WATCHING STEPHEN COLBERT.
MAYBE HE'LL LEARN SOMETHING."
I DO HAVE A LOT TO TEACH THE
PRESIDENT.
FOR EXAMPLE, I ALSO RAN FOR
PRESIDENT.
BUT UNLIKE TRUMP, I KNEW IT WAS
A JOKE.
