  
**Every Little Piece**

The night before graduation changes everything. Lies are told. Mistakes are made. A year later, neither Haley nor Seth are prepared for the shock of what really happened.

**Second Chance Series**

Every Little Piece

Every Little Secret

Every Little Dream

All That We Have Lost

Simple reflective surfaces can be used for many complicated pursuits. Applying lipstick, checking for spinach between teeth, and spying on older brothers.

My favorite mirror sat on the nightstand next to my bed. It wasn't your standard boring one that hung on a wall. This one tilted in a full 360-degree circle and swiveled back and forth. Lying on my bed, I could view my entire room with just slight adjustments.

One small nudge, and my perspective changed.

I usually faced it so I could see the great wall of Haley. Every happy memory covered the surface. Photos, ribbons, newspaper articles, scribbled notes, programs—my life in pieces.

One of those pieces sat sprawled on my plush pink carpet. My best friend, Brin, hunched over her knees, her long dark hair shimmering. She meticulously painted her toenails, so absorbed in the process of adding silver stripes that she didn't hear me slide off the bed. Or tiptoe across the floor.

I popped in front of her and yelled, "Boo!"

She screamed and jumped back. After annoyance flashed across her face, she burst out laughing. "You bitch!"

I twirled my finger through the coarse black locks springing out all over my head. The wig had been part of my brother's Halloween costume from ten years ago. Once upon a time it was in great condition but the fake hair was now matted like an old Barbie doll's.

"Seriously, Haley, we're graduating tomorrow. It's the biggest event of our life after birth, and you're still acting like a three-year-old."

I pursed my lips together and fake pouted. She couldn't help but forgive me even though she turned huffy and went back to the stripes. What could I say? I loved to see people smile, especially my friends. Maybe it came from living with an older brother who's so damn serious all the time. It drove me nuts. Thank God he had me or his mouth would be stuck in a permanent frown.

If it weren't for me, anyone who crossed onto our premises would have to be given a warning. Watch out—laughter not allowed. Or we'd have to plant a sign with a big X through a smiley face. My parents were as bad as my brother.

"Come paint your nails," Brin said. "I've got the perfect color blue."

I flounced to the spa set up all over my floor. "Well, you know darling," I said with an English accent, "I do have a reputation to maintain. I mustn't leave the house without my nails done."

She ignored my comment and wiped a smear of silver from her big toe. I didn't even get an eye roll. "Are you still going to talk like that when you get married?"

I dropped the accent. "Married? Ha! Not likely."

She added black dots between the stripes, slow and careful. "What about Seth?"

"What about him?" I grabbed the blue bottle and unscrewed the cap. I waved it under my nose and breathed in the chemical smell.

"You're going to die early from chemical poisoning if you don't lay off the fumes."

I shrugged. "Can't help it. It's a habit." When opening a new book I always pressed my nose into the center of the pages and inhaled the smell too. Old or new, it didn't matter.

Brin cleared her throat with purpose. "You avoided the question. Seth?"

"I have no plans to get married right now. Even to Seth." I wiped off a bit of blue. I couldn't stay within the lines if my life depended on it.

Seth and I had been going out since middle school. It started off slow and a bit awkward, dancing at school events with the zombie-sway back and forth while muttering mind-numbingly boring conversation. Somehow we stayed together and the awkward convos turned into a friendship that was more than dates eating pizza and making out in the car before my curfew. Of course, all those things were an important part of our relationship, but it was the tender moments, when he bared his heart, that I held onto. Even if I couldn't pin them to a corkboard.

"You know how many high school sweethearts make it?" I asked.

"Your relationship with Seth is not a statistic. Where's your sense of romance? Of adventure? You're the one who should see you two together forever."

She was right. But maybe she didn't realize that behind my endless smiles, lay dreams and doubts. And maybe, just maybe, I was terrified that if I admitted my dreams of a future with Seth, then I'd be the fool. Because as much as I knew he loved me, he'd never talked about marriage or us being together forever.

"Here." She tossed me the white. "Add some polka dots or something."

"Thanks." I dutifully added dots while she cranked the radio. She didn't press me for answers. I was thankful. After a few minutes, I turned down the music. "Hey, Brin, can I ask you something?"

She tensed up beside me. "What?" Her voice was clipped and terse.

I hesitated, not wanting to bring up her dad's passing. "How's your mom?"

She didn't say anything at first, and I didn't take offense. If she didn't answer I wouldn't ask again. I always gave her a chance, because sometimes the bad stuff that we keep hidden will rise to the surface if someone shows they care.

Brin sighed. "The same. It was bad the other night." Then her voice dropped to a whisper. "It was their anniversary."

"Oh." I didn't know what else to say. What do you say to someone who lost both her parents all in the same year? It was two years ago. Her dad died from an accident on the job, and her mom never recovered. Though they lived in the same house, her mom was a ghost, flitting in and out of her life, sometimes angry, other times depressed. Brin cooked, cleaned, and took care of both of them.

"I can't wait to fly." Her voice was raspy with flecks of steely resignation. "Away from here. Land someplace completely new where people don't look at with me pity, where no one knows my mom is the town drunk. I'll plaster a smile on my face and no one will know my past. And I'll keep it like that."

I wiped a silent tear from my eye before she could see it. I held back the sniffle building in my nose and stifled the ache in my chest over her grief. I could've told her that true friends wanted to know everything about you: the good, the bad and the ugly. If she met a guy and fell in the forever-kind-of-love, he'd need to know about this part of her life.

Brin reached out and squeezed my hand. I smiled.

We leaned against my bed with our limbs splayed out so our nails could dry. We were content to be alone with our thoughts and look back on our life reflected on the great wall of Haley.

The front door slammed and a commotion went on downstairs. Brin and I smiled at each other.

"Ready?" I asked.

Brin grabbed for my wig. "Take that ridiculous thing off." Then we jumped into action. She scooped the polish into her bag, leaving room on the floor. We braced ourselves for the whirlwind about to enter.

My bedroom door slammed open, and Kama bounced in. Her eyes were bright and her blonde curly hair framed her face. She swayed her hips while turning in a circle. She swung her arm in the air like a lasso. "Woo hoo. Woo hoo. Time to party, sistahs!"

I flashed her a smile, but it was weak.

"Whoa!" Kama threw up her hands, palms out. "Thank God I arrived. Or you two would be digging your own graves."

Kama's always been the dramatic one. All those play programs on my wall? Brin and I'd watched her steal the show of every drama production. Her life was set and the path was clear. She was going to be a musical theater major and head to New York. At some point in the future, I'd be seeing her on Broadway, of that, I was sure.

"Seriously. Totally lame in here." She held out her hand and helped Brin stand. "Let's get outta here before I fall asleep from boredom."

I put up a meager defense. "Hey, it's only five in the afternoon. The party won't be rolling until at least eight."

"Party?" She blew air through her lips. "We'll have time for that later." She pulled me up too. "Tonight...we're going on a journey."

Brin and I rolled our eyes.

Kama swiped her arm across the front of her body like she was a movie producer trying to show us the big picture. "We're going back...in time."

I groaned. Brin started to get into the whole adventure thing. In fact, she squealed. Their enthusiasm was catching and my doom and gloom mood lifted. In a few seconds, we were all jumping up and down, squeeing like schoolgirls. I had no idea what she meant by going back in time but it sounded perfect for this night.

"Thank God, you arrived." Brin winked at me. "Because I thought Haley here lost her spirit."

We joined hands in the middle and leaned forward so our heads were all touching.

"Where we going first?" I asked.

"No clue," Kama whispered.

We burst out laughing. Figures. My phone buzzed from the nightstand. I pulled away first and then both Brin and Kama grabbed my arms.

"No way!" Kama screeched. "No Seth!"

I fought to get free. "It could be anyone. Maybe the party was cancelled? Or moved to a different house? Or maybe it's my brother and he's broken down on the road somewhere." I was about to throw out about five more plausible reasons for me to answer the phone, but they let go.

"Fine." Brin crossed her arms.

Kama leaned against the wall, her eyes never leaving me.

I inched toward the phone and saw Seth's name on the small screen. "Just a sec." I grabbed the phone and darted between them into the bathroom before they could wrestle the phone from my hands. I shut the door and locked it.

They banged on the door mercilessly.

"Promise!" I yelled. "I'll be right out! Gimme a sec."

They stopped trying to knock the door down and must've headed back to my room. They'd learned to share me with Seth. I glanced in the mirror and smoothed my hair as if he could see me when I lifted the phone to my ear.

"Hey, there." My voice came out softer than I thought it would. I sat on the toilet lid and drew my legs up so my chin rested on my knees.

"Hey, babe. Thought you could use a friend." The rich tones in his voice always got to me.

"What're you talking about?" Seth understood my moods. Only he knew that I got hit with a wave of sadness the night before a big event. The night before my birthday I was at home watching movies that made me cry, eating popcorn, and drinking Dr. Pepper.

"Oh, I don't know. Thought you might want to hang out and watch a movie before the party. Or hang out in a diner and talk about all the memories over bitter coffee."

"Sounds nice," I said wistfully.

"But?" he asked.

"But you know. Kama has the next three hours planned. We're going on some adventure into the past."

"Then I must be a pit stop in there somewhere. Can we hook up later and go to the party together?"

I sighed. "I'll try but I doubt it. Can I just see you at the party?"

"Sure thing."

"Are you mad?" I asked, biting my lip.

"Nah, I kinda expected it." He paused but I knew he had something to add. "I have plans to shoot pool with Carter and Jamie."

"What?" I gasped, pretending to be mad.

He laughed and my heart beat faster. His laughter was like medicine. So cliché, but it was true.

"Gotcha!" he said.

"You jerk!" But I couldn't help but laugh back.

Someone knocked on the door. Warning me to hurry up.

"I gotta go," I whispered.

Suddenly I got the intense desire to see him. To wrap him in my arms and smell his hair and the cologne he splashed on his neck. I wanted to feel his fingers play with the ends of my hair while he rubbed my back. I wanted to flop down on my bed with him and make-out for hours and then fall asleep so close that nothing could tear us apart.

"Wish I could see you." My voice was shaky, the emotion having its way with me.

He heard it. "I can ditch the guys and be over there in ten. You just say the word."

I paused, almost ready to take his offer. The giddiness of being with my friends had already faded within the minutes I'd been on the phone.

I heard giggling outside the door and hushed whispers. I needed my friends tonight just as much as they needed me. They were just as much a part of my high school life as Seth.

"I can't. But I'll call if I get a chance to sneak away."

"My phone is on and in my pocket. Love you, babe."

"Love you, too."

I pressed End and shoved the phone in my back pocket. I stood in front of the mirror. This one had a tiny crack in the top right corner and the tiniest of slivers that stopped right in the center. Any day, any second, it could shatter into pieces on the floor. Scattered shards, Impossible to put back together. But it had been that way for years and probably would be for another twenty.

My greenish-brown eyes stared back at me, questioning. I'd promised to spend the rest of the night in full-out party mode.

This night was for me.

I shoved my phone in my back pocket. Again she chose Brin and Kama. I got it. The whole girl thing. But what about the whole boyfriend thing? Was this her way of telling me that we were a high school fling? We weren't one of those couples who were hooked at the hips. I should like that though, right? Wasn't that what every guy wanted?

A girlfriend who didn't pressure him to commit more?

I lay back on my bed and slipped in my earbuds. Jamie and Carter would be here soon. I needed to kick back and relax while figuring out what to say to Haley eventually. Maybe tonight. Should we even talk about the future? Haley couldn't seem to take anything seriously. Would I get some flip answer if I brought up next year? Or three years from now?

I'd known since I was twelve that I wanted to be with Haley forever. It started in second grade. She wore two ponytails and mismatched clothes. She was so brave and full of life. She questioned teachers, stood up to bullies, and pulled bunny ears behind the lunch ladies. Man, I fell hard.

But for the first time, I was doubting her end of it.

My phone buzzed and I pulled it out. But it wasn't Haley. It was Carly. I ignored her. I was sure it was about the party later, asking if I was going. She'd been subtly hitting on me for months. Good thing Haley hadn't noticed, at least I didn't think she had. I admit. Carly was pretty hot. Curves all in the right places. An intoxicating smell. But my heart knew and only responded to Haley.

The phone buzzed again. I didn't even look this time.

Footsteps clomped on the stairs. Jamie and Carter would burst into my room in about one second. The door flew open and banged against my wall. A photo of Haley and I dropped to the floor.

"Watch it!" I pulled out the buds and hung up the photo again.

"Sorry, man." Jamie flopped on the bed. As usual, his red hair stuck up in the front. Freckles smattered his nose and cheeks. "We ready for a night of booze and girls?"

I held back a retort. They were constantly trying to get me to party more, to get drunk more often, to get my mind off Haley. I'd go with them. I'd party. But my heart wouldn't be in it. What I loved was hanging out at the pool hall. I wasn't the big party kind of guy.

Carter leaned against the wall and dug his hands into his pockets. His dark brown hair shaded his eyes. We were the same height and teachers often confused us from the back. "What're we going to do before the party? Where can we drink?"

"Is that all you think about?" I threw a stuffed pig at him that Haley got for me.

He smirked. "Well, no. There's always fantasizing about Carly." Then his eyes gazed off.

"Dude! Save it for another time."

He fake-coughed. "What? She's hot."

Jamie laughed.

"I've got an idea." I grabbed my jacket.

"What?" They both asked.

"Pool."

They groaned. "Seriously?" Jamie asked. "Can we get any lamer?"

It was Haley's influence. She celebrated after a big event, not the night before. Almost as if she was holding her breath to make sure she made it through the day. When the big day was over, she'd breathe a sigh of relief and loosen up, ready to party a little bit. Maybe she'd rubbed off on me.

"We graduate tomorrow. How many times have we played pool there over the years?" I asked.

"Fine, fine. I'll play." Jamie stood. "Let's get going so I can kick your ass."

Carter started to whine but I shut him up with a punch to the arm. "Don't worry, you'll have plenty time to hang with the girls later." I was joking. None of us were really chick magnets. Carter had been crushing on Haley's best friend, Brin, for the last year. He'd just been too chicken shit to make a move.

We gathered our stuff and I grabbed some cash from my sock drawer. My parents were in the living room in some deep discussion, and at first, they barely noticed me. When I was half way out the door, Dad called me back. Normally I'd leave my friends in the front hall, but Dad sounded serious.

"Know what," I said to Jamie, "go on down to the hall and grab a table. I'll drive over when I'm done." I nodded toward the living room.

"Sure thing, man. Catch you there."

They left in Jamie's car. I headed back to talk with my parents. In the dining room, I breathed in the familiar apple-scented candle Mom always burned. I noticed the small things first. The way Mom played with the fringes of the antique lace tablecloth, the way Dad's fingers tapped on the top of the oak chairs, the haphazard pile of papers scattered across the table. Mom was a neat freak and never left random piles of paper unattended to.

Then I saw their faces. A sick feeling spiraled in my gut. Dad's face was pale and he kept smoothing his eyebrows. Nervous body language 101. Mom avoided my gaze, alternating between tugging at her short brown hair and playing with that damn fringe. All I could think was that she was trying to hide from me.

"Seth, why don't you take a seat." Dad's blue eyes were a reflection of mine. Mom always told me I'd steal some girl's heart just like Dad had hers. But tonight his eyes were glassy, missing that luster of life they always held.

My heart rate skyrocketed. I wished they'd just spit it out. I pulled out the chair and it scraped against the wood floor. Mom didn't even shudder at the noise, or reprimand me, so something must be terribly wrong. Maybe my grandparents couldn't make it in for graduation tomorrow. Or maybe the small party for family tomorrow night had to be cancelled.

"Can this wait until tomorrow? I'm kinda busy," I asked, anxious to be away from this strange tension. My family wasn't perfect. We rarely spent time together, and Dad drank a little too often. It wasn't like he was a raging drunk who hauled off and beat his family, but tonight wasn't the time for family bonding.

Mom lifted her head. Dark circles shadowed her eyes. The smudged eyeliner created a dramatic effect. I stopped asking if this could wait 'till tomorrow. And I waited. I was breathing faster and trying to act like I wasn't bothered by their appearance.

Dad sighed. "I guess there's no beating around the bush. Your mom and I have been having problems for a while."

He continued talking but I blocked him out. This couldn't be happening. Was he talking divorce? How many times had I joked about the number of parents who divorced the day after their kids graduated? I didn't even get to wait until the day after. I focused again.

Mom spoke for the first time and she sounded tired. "This might not be permanent. We're not getting a divorce right now."

A part of me relaxed. Okay, my life didn't just become a statistic.

Dad nodded. "Right. But I'll be moving out tonight. I'll be at your graduation and your party. Your mom and I just need a break."

I stiffened. What did they want from me? My condolences? My sympathy? "Is that all? I gotta go."

Mom pressed her lips together like she wanted to say something but didn't.

"If you have any questions or need to talk about it, we're here." The crease in Dad's forehead appeared. Something that was usually only reserved for stress over work.

I drummed the table then stood up. "I pretty much got it." I thumbed toward the door. "But you know, it's the night before graduation and all. Gotta live it up." My sarcasm stung the air. I didn't want to hurt Mom but I hadn't been prepared for this.

"Okay, we'll talk tomorrow," Dad said.

I headed toward the door. "Yeah, tomorrow."

The breeze stung my face. The mini-van blurred in front of me, and I stormed toward it. I slammed the door closed, letting the silence drown out the echo of my parents' voices. Why tonight? My first instinct was to call Haley and tell her what happened, but she was with the girls and I didn't want to interrupt. I hit my fist against the dashboard.

For some reason I didn't want to tell anyone. I didn't want any pity or sympathetic stares. I'd keep this to myself. Even though my family was falling apart and everything that was solid was now sinking mud, I didn't need to burden others. Maybe after graduation I'd tell Haley. She'd eventually figure it out when she came over and my dad wasn't home. I didn't want to lie about it.

I just wanted to pretend for this one night that nothing was wrong.

Brin and Kama gossiped on my bed. I couldn't imagine life without them—the three of us goofing off, hanging out, watching movies, texting all night. I wanted to stay in this bubble, the night before the beginning of the rest of our lives.

"I know the perfect place to start our night." I leaned against the doorframe. I was determined to meet up with Seth, even if I had to tell some half-truths.

Kama clapped her hands. "Ooo! Share!"

I shrugged and threw them my famous smirk. "Now that wouldn't be any fun, would it?"

We left my house and climbed into Kama's hunk of junk, she calls the Beast. Our last night as seniors. Tomorrow night we'd be official graduates, leaving all that behind us. No more freezing in the stands at homecoming football games, sharing a thermos of hot chocolate. No more cramming for history tests with all night popcorn study parties. No more nights acting silly and carefree. Would all that change? Overnight?

The sense of foreboding fell. I desperately wanted to grasp onto this moment and freeze it. I should want to break out the wings and fly like Brin. I should have plans to bust out and leap into my career like Kama. But somehow that evaded me.

"Where we going? Time to spill." Brin fiddled with the radio.

"Nope." I shook my head. "Just drive toward town. I'll tell you where to go."

Kama pulled out of my driveway. We passed all the normal haunts. Main Street wasn't very big or happening. We passed through it within a few minutes. I pointed for Kama to take a right. The sign of the pool hall blinked ahead of us.

Kama whipped in and parked. Before the entrance with the music drifting outside, she danced in the street, her hips gyrating. "Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The party starts."

Brin seemed a little more suspicious as she crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at me.

"What?" I asked, the picture of complete innocence.

"Oh, nothing," Brin said. "I love a good game of pool."

I needed to defend my choice. "Hey, remember when we snuck in with my brother?" Kama's parents had come in for a drink and we spent the night hiding out in the bathroom. We'd told our parents we were at the movies. I don't know why we lied. It wasn't a big deal and they probably would've said yes.

"Fine, I'll give you that." Brin lost her suspicions, hopefully.

We swung open the door and the rock music from the old-fashioned jukebox blasted out. We walked in arm in arm, ready to conquer the world. Didn't matter who was there. It was our night.

Kama led the way to a table in the corner. I glanced around at the groups playing pool, hoping to find familiar dark hair and faded jeans. I saw lots of jeans with rips, but none of them were the ones I wanted. We played rock, paper, scissors to see who would break. The men at the table near us scowled at our giggling game. When they went back to their beers, I flipped them off.

Brin won the game and shot first. I hadn't played in months and quickly fell behind. "Want sodas?"

They both nodded, fierce in competition. I wove through the pool tables and then the groups of tables where all kinds of people talked over drinks and dinner. I arrived at the bar and ordered three root beers. I felt his presence behind me before he whispered in my ear. I didn't even hear what he said but turned around. He greeted me with a hungry kiss as if he'd never see me again. He pushed me up against the bar. His hands reached down and squeezed my butt. He pressed his hips into mine.

I pushed him away. "Seth!"

"Sorry, babe." He winked. "You're just too hot."

"You're not too bad, yourself." I let my gaze drop to his body, his blue faded T-shirt I loved, then his black jeans that made me want to take him home and make him strip. I brought my eyes back to his, and the flecks of blue that matched his shirt. I looked closer. He avoided me and instead gazed at my chest and over my body. He wasn't smiling and tension knotted his shoulders.

I traced my fingers over his lips then pulled him close to me again. I whispered in his ear. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

I tugged at his earlobe with my teeth, trying to tease the information out of him. "Come on, you can tell me."

He jerked away. "I said nothing." This time his words were hard and mean. He sighed. "Sorry about that. I'm on edge."

"Graduation tomorrow?" I asked, masking the flicker of hurt.

He nodded. "Yeah. You could say that."

I entwined my fingers with his and leaned forward until my forehead rested in the hollow below his shoulder. The music pounded in my chest along with my heartbeat. His hand slipped underneath the back of my shirt and he rubbed the exposed skin. I smelled his shirt and snuggled into him. We'd been together so many years and had seen the best and worst in each other. Was that love? Was that enough for a life together? I wanted to ask these things. But this was the worst thing ever to ask a guy near graduation. He'd run for the first bus out of town.

"Your drinks are ready," he whispered in the sexiest voice ever.

"You flirt," I teased.

" _Moi_? Hardly."

I leaned up and gently brushed his lips with a kiss. "Bet us girls can kick your ass in pool."

"Is that a challenge?" he asked, his eyes glinting. His usual fun and mischievous spark was back.

This was how it should be the night before graduation. A night of fun, full of things I'd never forget. Memories that would carry me through the dark times of life. When I was eighty years old and suffering from old people problems I wanted to call Brin and complain. She could tell me about her old people problems and we'd still find a way to laugh together even if we were using walkers. Heck, we could shop for old people diapers together.

Brin and Kama came up behind Seth. Brin smirked. "So, you'll just hop on over to the bar and get us some drinks, huh?" She nodded to Seth. "Your sudden thirst didn't have anything to do with him, I'm sure."

I threw up my hands, palms out, in feigned innocence. "Completely coincidental. Right, Seth?"

"Well, actually, when we talked on the phone earlier, I let her know we might be here."

I gasped in fake surprise then lightly stomped on his foot. "Jerk!"

"Hey, just telling it how it is, babe." He winked and my heart melted in forgiveness. His brief episode of crankiness seemed to have disappeared.

Jamie came up behind Kama and tickled her ribs. I blocked my ears before her squeal sent the patrons running for the streets. Her squeal was famous for interrupting school assemblies, lunch periods, and other quiet times. Carter leaned an elbow on Brin's shoulder.

"Hey, Brin. Want to hook up later at the party?"

"Keep on dreaming, Carter. No way you're ever getting into my pants."

I scolded her. "Never say never. Anything can happen on the night before graduation. Life-changing things like hooking up with a guy who's been a friend since Kindergarten."

"Jeez, girl." Kama sighed in a dramatic way. "You're so sentimental tonight."

Seth wrapped me in a hug. "That's right. One reason I love her."

Warmth spread throughout my chest. Maybe I'd make it through this night after all.

Then he said, "It's kept me from going broke for years."

I gasped again in fake shock but I couldn't maintain it long because it was totally true. I wasn't a girl who needed bouquets of roses or diamond jewelry. Make me a card with badly written poetry or frame a picture of a special moment and I was all yours. Seth had known this for years.

Seth peered over our shoulders to the pool tables. "How about a game and a little friendly wager? Unless you think we'll whip your butts."

Jamie and Carter started flapping their arms like they were chickens and strutted around making clucking noises.

Kama motioned us toward her and we gathered in a huddle, our arms around each other's shoulders.

"We don't really need to talk about this, do we, girls?" she asked.

"No way!" Brin and I said at the same time.

"Let's just pretend we're strategizing," I said. "Maybe we'll intimidate them."

We whispered and then gazed back at them. We burst out laughing, high-fived, wiggled our butts and twirled in a circle. Then as a unit, we grabbed our drinks, and headed over to the table.

I chalked the end of the stick, ready for the first play, but I paused. "Wait a second. We never talked about stakes. What's the bet?"

Carter spoke up. "The losers have to refill beers for the entire party tonight." He high-fived Jamie.

Brin shot them down. "Totally lame and unfair. We don't drink as much as you."

Jamie's face lit up. "The losers have to sprint through town naked at midnight after the party."

Kama huffed and crossed her arms. "Again. Totally a guy thing. Girls don't run naked through town. Sorry."

Seth leaned against the table and rubbed his chin. "Okay, then let's hear your suggestions, girls."

"If the guys lose, we get to do their nails and make-up for the party," Brin said.

They stared at us and laughed. Kama, Brin and I threw out suggestions and so did the boys but we couldn't nail down a consequence that we all agreed on. Finally, Seth raised his arms as if he was some gospel preacher.

"The losers have to head out to the Raker's Island and spend the night."

Nobody said anything as we thought over his idea. Raker's Island was the tiniest island ever. It wasn't really an island, but a patch of land that the tide never quite covered, and it was quite the ride out into the ocean.

Brin puckered her lips to the side. "At midnight? No way."

Seth defended his idea. "I go out there all the time with my grandfather. The best fish are there. We leave while it's still dark. No problem. The losers can use my grandfather's boat."

I shook my head no. "We've all got to agree."

"I've got it then. The perfect solution." He crooked a finger and motioned us closer. We all crammed around him and he spoke in low tones. "The losers will run through town in their underwear."

We were all quiet. We knew it was the best idea ever. The perfect compromise.

I hooked my thumbs into the belt loops of my jeans and stood with my feet shoulder distance apart like I was some cowboy accepting a duel. "You're on."

We played for a straight hour. Eventually the guys won by a couple points. They whooped it up and slapped backs as if they were watching football and their team scored.

Brin bit her lip. "I'm not sure about this, Haley."

"No backing out!" Seth reminded us. "A wager is a wager."

I jabbed a finger into his chest. "No problem, babe, but you might regret it when we're all in jail and miss graduation."

The girls laughed.

Kama ended the conversation and our time playing pool. "Okay, it's time to move on to the next stage in our journey."

Seth butted in and stood between all of us. "We might need to go with you on this journey, just in case you decide to skip out on our bet." He winked at me and I knew he was doing whatever he could so we could be together.

Kama waggled her finger. "No way. We need time to beautify for the party." She primped her hair and stuck her nose in the air but couldn't maintain the attitude for long. "No seriously, we have to get ready."

Seth held up his hands, palms out. "Fine, fine. Can't blame a guy for trying."

I held Seth's hand, and we headed out the door. I loved this. Feeling that we could truly conquer the world.

Together was better than being apart.

Together we could do anything.

We said goodbye to the girls and headed to the beach for a game of football. The ocean was only a few towns over. This place contained so many memories. Of beach volleyball tournaments during summer. Of random football games after school.

With only three of us it was hard to run a true scrimmage, but somehow we managed. We got into the groove of throwing, running, ducking, and tackling. It felt good. The grit of the sand, the breeze. This place helped me forget. I kneeled to toss the ball to Carter. Jamie crouched opposite me.

"Hey," he said. "Lover girl's here."

"What?" I turned, hoping to find Haley, and he ripped the ball from my hands and ran in for a score.

"Cheater!" But I couldn't complain. Anything goes in our football games. It wasn't Haley on the beach. It was Carly, and she was alone. She seemed so sad. No one should be alone the night before graduation. I wanted to completely ignore her, but through the next three plays, I stayed distracted.

Carter pulled me aside. "Hey, man. Carly's been hot for you for years, but you're not thinking about cheating on Haley, are you?"

"No way."

I dug my toes into the sand. She stood down at the water, with her back to us, alone. I sighed.

Carter punched me. "You're not giving in to her games."

"It's different this time. I'll be right back. Don't lose for us." Despite my friend's objections, I headed toward the waves and Carly.

The air was cooler closer to the water, and the waves crashed in and slid out. The ebb and flow mesmerized me, and I understood why she came here.

"What's up?" I asked.

She didn't say anything at first, ignoring me completely. After a few minutes I turned to leave. So much for being the nice guy.

"You know how my dad and your mom work together?"

"How could I forget?" I challenged her.

She winced. "I'm sorry I've tried to take advantage of that. I've had a crush on you since elementary school." She blushed.

The back of my neck prickled with heat. What the hell was a guy supposed to say to a statement like that?

She stuttered a bit but then got into a groove. "I'm sorry but it's the truth. I know you're with Haley. I get that. If I flirt with you it's not because I think I have a chance. I guess I just like to pretend."

I was speechless.

"You see, the strange thing is, you can't spend years thinking about someone without eventually truly caring about them." Her admission seemed to hurt her pride and her cheeks turned even pinker.

Again, I'd no clue what to say.

"You don't have to say anything." She caught my gaze with a new confidence. "I know about your parents."

I tensed but didn't move. How the hell did she know when I just found out? "So?"

She pushed her hair away from her face and tears pooled in her eyes.

"Please, don't shed a tear over me. I can take care of myself."

"I'm not." Her face turned hard, her jaw clenched. "I thought you might like to know the whole story. I probably know more about it than you."

Seriously? "Wow, this is low. After spending years pining over someone you can't have, you use his family problems to get close to him? Classy." As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them. I could tell she wasn't working an angle, but I had no other way to respond. I didn't want to think about my parents or their problems, and she'd caught me off guard.

The hurt was apparent in her eyes and she sagged a little bit. "Fine. I get it. But you don't have to be a jerk. If you want to know more, I can tell you."

"Fine. Whatever. I'm sorry." I sat in the sand. "What do you know?"

"Is your girlfriend going to get mad at you for talking to me?" she asked, her hair hiding her face again as she sat next to me.

"Nah." If Haley knew the whole story, she'd understand. I pressed down the guilt for not letting her know what was going on but I still stuck with my decision. Tonight wasn't the night to burden anyone with problems.

We sat in silence but it wasn't awkward. If we were at school or at a party it would be. I'd already have drifted off toward Haley. I wasn't sure if Carly was waiting for me to start this or not.

"Remember the eighth grade celebration here?" Carly asked.

Memories returned of all the moms, including mine, hovering over the snack table. Of course it hadn't been down on the beach because the seagulls would attack. Carly's dad and a few others organized the games except it had been so hot that year we ended up in and out of the ocean even though the water was freezing.

"So much changes from middle school to high school," she said wistfully.

I kicked at the sand. "Yeah, it does."

"That's when our parents first met."

"Um, yeah. I guess so." I couldn't see where she was going with this.

She huffed. "You don't know anything, do you?"

I shoved my hands into my pockets. "What do you mean?"

She let out a puff of air. "My mom's leaving. She told me last week." She tucked her hair behind her ear. Her eyes were glazed over and a tiny bit red.

The air left my chest, like I got sucker punched by an invisible fist. Jeez. Why couldn't parents wait until after graduation? Hospitals should give out a list of major don'ts to new parents, and high on the list should be don't ruin your child's happy events with your own shitty news.

"I get it." I didn't know why that small admission felt so good. Maybe I did need to talk about everything, to someone who understood. "My dad talked to me tonight." I wanted to spill the rest but saying the truth would make it real.

"What'd he say?" Her voice was gentle and soft, so unlike the usual Carly.

I held my breath and closed my eyes, then let it out and opened my eyes. "He's leaving."

"Oh. I'm sorry." Her voice broke. "I'm truly sorry."

I shrugged. "Nothing you could do about it."

She waited as if I was supposed to say something. "Do you know all that's going on?"

I felt like a dumb-ass. "Not really."

"Are you blind?" Her words crackled with anger. "Your mom and my dad?"

I must be blind because I didn't see. I didn't see at all. Waves crashed against the shore. It was no longer calming.

"They've been having a thing now for a couple years. I found out working in the office last summer."

My fingers curled into a fist, and my heart raced. I needed to punch something. She made a blind accusation, and called my mom a slut. After all the seduction games she'd played with me the past few years. The flirting. The sly smiles. The suggestive comments. I glared at her, the fury building at her accusations. "So you learned your slutty ways from your dad and not your mom?"

She backed away, her eyes filled with hurt.

But I didn't stop. The word vomit kept coming, and I had no control. "Wow. You're a real bitch. You can't have me so you pull this card out of desperation? Pathetic. I'm with Haley."

She gasped. "That's not fair."

"What did you want? My sympathy? A shoulder to cry on?" I stood, towering over her.

She stood and got right in my face. "No! I thought you might want to know. I thought you deserved the truth."

"Why should I believe you?" I spit out. "This could just be one of your games." Inwardly I cringed at every hurtful word.

She tensed, her arms stiff at her sides. "I wouldn't play games with this kind of thing. I can't believe you don't know. Let me clue you in. Late work nights at the office? Weekend business trips?"

She didn't need to connect the dots. Her words rang true, but why would I have thought my mom was cheating? Lots of parents work late and go on business trips.

"You're a big fake. And right now, I feel bad for Haley. Being with a boyfriend who's lying to himself and can't face the truth like a big boy. You probably haven't even told her, have you?"

I exploded in anger. "I just found out tonight!" The words kept spilling out, aimed at Carly because she was close and the one digging into the wound. "And if my mom's cheating, I blame your dad. Completely and one hundred percent. He brings new meaning to the word man-whore."

She bit her lips, tears caught in her eyelashes. "That's just mean. If I ever thought I was in love with you then obviously I had you confused with someone else." She poked her fingers into my chest. "I guess this brings out your true colors."

She stormed back to the parking lot before I could do any more damage. I didn't follow her, and the anger whooshed through me, leaving my body trembling.

Jamie and Carter ran up to me. "What was that all about, man?" Carter asked.

"Nothing." I added a slight edge to my tone of voice, and flashed him a dark look and he knew not to press it. But I had the sudden desire to see Haley, to prove Carly wrong, that I was the good guy. And then the words I yelled at Carly came back. I was horrified at what I said. I pushed that away. "I've got a great idea."

"What's that?" Jamie asked.

"Let's just say that Haley has shared some of their get-ready rituals with me and I know exactly how to sabotage them."

They nodded at my evil plan. As they ran up the beach ahead of me, I allowed the guilt about what I said to Carly weigh me down, then I pushed it back and jogged after them.

Tonight was about celebration and I wouldn't let anything ruin that.

The hot tub was heated and bubbling, waiting for us. We slipped into the burning water inches at a time, with sighs of relief.

Brin relaxed with her arms lying across the sides of the tub and her legs floating to the middle. "Just what I need."

The jets shot water into the muscles along my spine and lower back. Steam coated my face. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes. Another moment of perfection. I wanted to freeze it. I wanted to never forget and never lose what I had here, right now.

That was when I heard it. The whispering. The arm punches. The cursing. I glanced to the side of the house but they didn't show themselves. Crap. Me and my big mouth gave us away. I'd slipped about this routine to Seth more than once. I couldn't alert Kama and Brin without getting myself in trouble.

The screen door slid open, and Kama's mom walked through, her curly blonde hair bouncing as she walked, the spitting image of Kama. She carried a tray with fluted glasses filled with what looked like sparkling apple cider, and a spread of thinly sliced Subway sandwiches.

Kama squealed. "Mom!"

We gushed our thanks. I plastered on a smile and tried not to look over at the hedge where the guys must be hiding.

Her mom smiled. "You only graduate once. And you only have the night before graduation once." She placed the tray on the small landing that surrounded the tub. "Enjoy this moment, girls."

I studied her and the brief wistfulness in her eyes and face. She kissed Kama's head and then headed back inside.

"Your mom rocks." Brin helped herself to the sparkling apple cider and an Italian sub slice.

"Yeah, I know," Kama agreed. "Most of the time."

"Excuse me." I flicked water at Kama. "What's that supposed to mean, 'most of the time'?"

"Well, they've been giving me a hard time about the fall."

I put a plate together, going for the chicken Parmesan. I never realized there were obstacles on Kama's road to New York. I forgot about the covert operation only a few feet away. "How come we haven't heard about this before?"

Kama shrugged but the fear flickered in her eyes. The bright shining hope that always twinkled briefly faded. "My mom is more than aware of life in New York for the starving actress trying to make her way. She knows what the drama life is like, or she can guess." Kama paused and bit into her sandwich but she struggled to swallow it down. Tears glistened. "They sat me down the other day and laid it out for me. I have to prove I can find a place to stay, somewhere safe with adults or a family, and I have to share my finances with them biweekly."

"That's not too bad," I said.

"I don't know anyone in New York." She sounded desperate.

"Since when have you ever let that stop you?" I played devil's advocate. "At least they're not saying you can't go."

Kama let that thought sink in.

Brin sipped her glass. Our eyes connected. I knew what she was thinking before the words left her mouth.

"At least your parents care." Her voice broke. "At least your dad is around."

Kama placed her plate on the side of the tub and immediately moved through the water and hugged Brin. "I'm so sorry. That was insensitive of me. You're so right. We can't reach our dreams without fighting for them."

I slid over to the group hug. "We'll make it. Together." I promised.

Finally, Brin pushed us away. That was the longest she'd let either of us hug her. We returned to our spots a little more sober and teary-eyed. At that point, I didn't know whether to tell Kama and Brin or not about our company.

Kama didn't stop there. She pushed Brin. "What're you going to do in the fall?"

"That's easy." Brin drained her glass and grabbed another sub slice. "I'm running as far away from here as possible. Maybe I'll go to the west coast. I'll find a great job and work for a year or two while I figure out what I want to do with my life. Then I'll work my way through college."

Brin spoke with a fierceness grounded in heartbreak. She'd do exactly what she said. But I thought how far away, how many miles it was to the west coast. My heart squeezed. "Do you have to run so far away?"

She scoffed. "What? Am I supposed to move to the next town? If I'm going to do this, I'm going all out."

Kama squealed. "Come to New York with me! That's the place to start. We could be roomies." She reached for both our hands. "Haley, you could come too."

"She'd never go that far away from Sethie boy."

"Oh, I don't know about that." I smiled weakly. But I did know I'd be attending a college within thirty minutes of his. "There's not much in New York City for me either. Other than watching you hit the big stage."

We fell silent. In a few short months, our lives would change forever. It had already hit me, but Brin and Kama were now briefly seeing the future.

"We'll have to enjoy this summer. Together. Hang out as much as we can," I said.

Kama splashed her hand against the water. "That's right. We'll make so many memories, that Haley will have to plaster her ceiling with all the photos and memorabilia."

We heard a splat.

Something hit the wall of the house barely missing us. Another one hit the tub, splashing water up into my face. And a third splattered the post of the back porch.

Water balloons.

We screamed and ducked into the water. "We know you're out there. Cowards!" I yelled.

"Dare to show yourselves!" Brin called out.

We grabbed our fluted glasses and filled them with water but realized how pitiful our ammunition was. "We have to get out of the tub," I whispered.

"Then what?" Brin asked, her feet landing on the slippery tiles.

I grinned. "We run straight at them and grab some ammo."

Once we were all out of the tub, we sprinted, screaming and waving our arms. They highly underestimated their opponents.

Balloons flew through the air. One hit my arm, and another splattered against my stomach. I pushed through, shoving my way past the boys, squealing. I dug into their arsenal. Armed with a handful of water balloons, I tossed some to Brin and Kama. Then we attacked.

They flipped around, and we pelted them with balloons. Then there was an all-out fight in the backyard for the ammo. It didn't take long for the balloons to be gone. By the end we were all soaking wet and tiny colorful pieces of balloon decorated the yard. My stomach ached from laughing and my throat from screaming.

Kama clapped her hands. "You might as well join us."

Seth grinned. "We thought you'd never ask."

Kama elbowed me. "So, you never tell Seth about our private affairs, huh?"

My cheeks flushed with heat. "Not about any of the super important stuff. I might've let the hot tub part slip." I plastered on a cheesy grin. "Sorry."

"Forgiven."

The guys changed and soon we were all in the hot tub, crammed together. Kama turned the jets on high and the top of the hot tub looked like a frothy milkshake. Bubbles popped. The conversation flowed like beer at the party that was starting pretty soon. The tense fear of the future had dissolved and we were all feeling the buzz of life.

Carter raised his arms and cleared his throat to get our attention. "We'll be honest. We decided we'd have to keep a close eye on all of you in case you decided to get out of our little wager."

Jamie waggled his finger. "Tonight at midnight, girls. A run down Main Street."

Brin grimaced. "I've been thinking about that. It seems like a pretty stupid thing to do. Even after losing a bet."

"How about this," Seth said, "we'll supply the hot chocolate afterwards, because you might be a little chilly." He rubbed his arms and fake-shivered, then he burst out laughing, soon followed by Carter and Jamie.

Brin pressed her lips together and the doubts flickered across her face. I nodded to Kama, and we poked her leg under the water with our toes.

Finally, she succumbed. "Fine. But if anything goes wrong, like if we get arrested, I blame you!"

Seth nodded. "Agreed."

I stood up, the water dripping off me. "Well, then, I hate to break this party up, but we have to pack for a sleepover and make sure to cover our butts with who is sleeping at whose house."

We all climbed out, and Kama shut off the jets, the bubbles slowly disappearing. I wrapped in a warm towel and headed over to Seth. I bumped his hip with mine. "Hey," I said.

He grabbed my fingers and held them loosely in his. "You ready for tonight?"

"Sure." I noticed that even though he was looking at me, he didn't really see me. Not the way he was usually tuned in. "Are you?"

"What?" Then he coughed. "Um, yeah, ready."

After years together, instinct told me something was wrong. I rubbed the light scruff on his cheeks and kissed him. I giggled. "You need to shave."

My touch seemed to pull him out of whatever funk he was in and he grabbed hold of me. "Really? I need to shave? Are you sure?" He rubbed his cheek against mine.

I held back a giggling fit and squirmed away but he clamped down on my waist and tucked me into his arms.

"Haley!" the girls yelled.

"Seth!" the guys yelled.

Just to spite them, I reached up and pulled Seth toward me. We engaged in a long, slow kiss. The heat spread throughout my body and sizzled in my stomach. I clung to him, to this moment. My hands slid up and my towel dropped. This time, I lightly traced his cheek. "I like your scruff."

He pulled away and for one intense moment his blue eyes pierced mine. No word was spoken, but he felt it too. He had to. I didn't break our gaze, and he reached out and pulled his thumb across my lips. Then he leaned forward and kissed my cheek.

Moments like those made me fantasize about spending the night with Seth. Him and me. Naked. What it would feel like to be next to him, skin on skin, touching, kissing. But then that made me think about our future and commitment. Ugh. I wondered if Seth had talked about the fall and his plans with Carter. Did he fear the changes coming after tomorrow? Hopefully, I'd find a chance to talk to him tonight. Poke around in his head to see if he saw me in his future. I wasn't necessarily thinking forever, but at least into next year.

He kissed my cheek and then led me around the corner of the house and into the small storage shed.

As soon as the door shut behind us, I pulled her to me. I'd been alone with her a million times, but tonight, an electric current ran through the air. Or maybe it was just through us as I nudged her toward a giant inner tube, my mouth hungry against hers.

She struggled a bit. "What about everyone else?"

"They're big kids. They can deal." I sucked on her bottom lip and then dropped to kiss the soft skin on her neck. Her grip on my arms tightened. I had this down to a science. I knew when to be gentle, when to be driven. I knew the sensitive spots on her neck that drove her crazy, and I knew when she just wanted to be held. We lowered ourselves onto the tube, my weight crushing her. I pulled back but she grabbed my arms and kept me in place. She kissed me and then rolled over so she was on top.

"Oh, baby, I love it when you take charge," I murmured the words against her skin.

Shivers rippled across arms and through my body. Her damp hair fell down around me and her exposed breasts skimmed my chest. She played the tease, hovering just above me but not touching or kissing.

I groaned. Not that I didn't ask for this.

"I love it when you're at my mercy," she said, lowering and skimming her lips across mine.

Her touch, her feel, everything about her was pure sweetness. I wanted to lose myself in her for a few minutes and forget my pathetic life.

"Hey!" Jamie was at the door, knocking.

Haley jumped away, but I dragged her close again. "Door's locked," I whispered, then called, "We'll be right there!"

"Yeah, right. Don't take too long!" Jamie said, stifling laughter.

This time, I stopped kissing her like a man about to be stuck on a desert island with nothing but a volleyball, and held her close. Her heart beat through her shirt and matched mine. Closeness settled between us, and I couldn't imagine ever not being here, next to her.

"You know, Haley," I said, playing with her hair. I tugged on several strands, teasing, and then dropped my hand to her back. My fingers trailed slowly up and down. There was so much I wanted to say, to tell her what was going on, but the words wouldn't come. Not tonight.

"What?" she asked, pulling back a little as if she was scared of what I'd say.

I decided that if we didn't get moving, she was going to see right through me and ask questions until I was forced to tell her the truth. I rolled off. "Let's go before they drag our butts out of here."

I probably should've told her everything, but spilling the ugly family drama didn't seem like something to slip in between goodbye kisses. Would there ever be a right time for it? Maybe not. But the night before graduation was definitely not it.

"Hey, are we going to drive around town forever?" Carter asked and fiddled with the radio.

"Name a place 'cause I'm out of ideas." I steered toward Main Street. My fingers drummed against the wheel as Carly's words repeated in my head.

I let the guys fight it out. They tossed around some ideas and then settled on pizza before the party.

Jamie punched my shoulder. "Here it is, man."

I pulled in and slammed on the brakes. We jerked forward.

"What's your prob?" Jamie hit my shoulder again.

I gripped the wheel and stared ahead. "Nothing. Forget it. Let's go eat."

They followed me into the local pizzeria and their hushed whispers were about me. Carter was telling Jamie to stop bugging me and Jamie was complaining that he never knew what was going on. Well, Carter didn't know what was going on either. He probably assumed I was having cold feet when it came to Haley now that we were graduating. Or maybe that I was rethinking college in the fall. Or that I was just plain horny because I'd never gotten laid. That could be a real possibility. I'd never know.

The smells of the spices brought a rush of nostalgia. I'd been here so many times. We'd stop after late-night soccer games in middle school. I'd run out for late dinners when my parents hadn't made it home. And Haley and I'd sat in that corner booth every couple weeks for years. We'd order the Mediterranean pizza and two sodas. We'd hang for hours because we could, just talking, laughing. Our conversations didn't always run deep, but that was what I loved about Haley. She didn't always probe me for my feelings. She let me be me and us be us. Not that we didn't have deeper conversations, because we did.

"I'll grab a booth. You two can order." I found one opposite where Haley and I usually sat. I tapped the table with my fingers, restless. I didn't like sitting. I wanted to be active and not stay in one place. Going to the party early was a good idea.

While waiting for our pizza I barely joined in the conversation. My mind focused on anything and everything else, but Carly's words kept sneaking in between thoughts. I banged my fist on the table to stop them.

The couples and families at the nearby tables quieted and stared, the dads probably hoping their daughters never dated someone like me.

Carter nudged Jamie to go get the pizza. He tried to complain but Carter gave him the look of death, so he went.

"Dude, you've got to chill out."

"Chill out?" My voice rose. "How am I supposed to do that?"

"Go jerk off in the bathroom. I don't know. Something. Go run a few miles." His hair flopped to the side and he pushed it back with a jerky motion. "Or tell me what the hell is wrong so you can stop acting like a bitch."

The muscles in my arm flexed and I glared at him. Carter noticed and dropped the confrontational attitude.

"Obviously something big went down tonight with your family because you haven't been the same since we left your house. You don't have to tell me and I'm not going to push you, but it might make you have a better night especially before we go to the party."

Jamie was heading over with the pizza, and I waited until the last minute. "My dad's leaving us tonight. Probably for good." I left it at that. I couldn't bear to share that it was because my mom was sleeping with Carly's dad.

Carter nodded and a look of understanding passed across his face.

Jamie dropped the pizza platter. "I knew it. I knew I'd miss the good stuff."

"Stop it, whiner," I said, joking. "You didn't miss anything."

I needed to put on a really good front, because I couldn't handle comments the rest of the night, or girls flocking to me at the party to ask me what was wrong. Girls seem to have this special radar and sensed when I was upset. They chatted more, touched more, and tended to linger longer than Haley or I'd like. I especially didn't want Haley picking up on it, because I was sticking with my decision to let it go for tonight.

I smiled even though it felt like a crack spreading across cement. "Just saying that tonight might be the night with Haley and I."

Sex was about the only thing that would get Jamie off my case. Carter laughed and Jamie rubbed his hands together as if he couldn't wait for the juicy details.

"Don't get any ideas." I grabbed a slice. "Details stay between Haley and me."

In about five minutes we'd gone through the two pizzas. I slurped the last of my soda and leaned back. Jamie belched.

"It's 8:30. Time to party." I plastered on a smile and we headed out the door for the best night of our lives.

Others must've had the same idea as us because cars filled the driveway and lined the road. The music poured from the window, its beat vibrating through the air. I was ready to put on my party face and lose myself in the crowds.

I busted open the door and the crowds welcomed me. I swaggered into the middle of my classmates, shaking my hips. A guy from my soccer team handed me a red plastic cup.

"Thanks, dude," I said.

I guzzled the whole damn thing. I wiped the last from my mouth and crunched the cup in my hand. Everyone around me let out a whoop. I drank another. Friends pounded me on the back and cheered me on. This continued as I moved throughout the party. I played some drinking game at the kitchen table until my heart numbed over.

This time, Haley wouldn't be able to see through me.

It didn't take long to get ready. We showered, changed, and did our make-up in record time. We'd planned our outfits last week. My black jeans with the trendy well-placed holes hugged my hips and a sparkly blue shirt dipped a bit low in the front. Seth loved this on me.

"So," I said. "Do we have our story down?"

Brin stuck up her fingers one at time. "I'm sleeping at your house. You're sleeping at Kama's. And Kama's sleeping at my house. No problem."

"And," Kama added, "if we don't want to party all night, we'll call my parents with a change of plans and crash there."

"But first," I said, "we have to convince my parents that our plan is on the up and up."

"Right," Kama said. "Let's go."

Ten minutes later, Kama pulled the Beast into my driveway.

"Kama, you'd better come." Her smile, confident words, and the way she chatted up my dad usually persuaded him into saying yes for anything. She'd widen her eyes, beg pretty please, and Dad fell for it every time.

"I'll keep the Beast company." Brin waved and put in her earbuds.

We ran up the walkway. I wanted to get this over with and prayed Mom and Dad were in agreeable moods. I opened the door and peered inside. "Mom? Dad?"

My older brother, Noah, had his head stuck in the fridge. Probably searching for the last of the spice cake, which I'd already eaten.

"Hey, bro," I said confidently and walked into the room. "Where's Mom and Dad?"

Kama bounced through behind me.

He shut the door with an apple in hand and eyed her suspiciously. "What are you going to try and talk them into now?"

I shrugged. "Just a sleepover at Kama's." But he wasn't stupid. "You know, one last night together before our lives change forever."

"Oh, please. I can see right through you two." He leaned against the fridge and crunched down on the apple. "What's really going on?"

Kama batted her eyes. "Just a sleepover, like she said. We thought that maybe since it was the night before graduation, your parents might want Haley home."

"And that's why you're here?"

Kama nodded just as my parents came in from the back porch. They noticed Kama's presence next to me, as if we were about to head into battle. Their eyebrows went up along with the secret glances. Some kind of silent code of communication only married people can get away with. They weren't stupid either.

Dad pulled the kitchen chair out and rested his hands on the top of it. Silver tinted the hair above his ears and it hit me that my parents had gotten older too. Just like me. His smile lines were a little bit deeper than I remembered, but he was still the same Dad I knew and loved. Mom sat in the chair and folded her hands in front of her. All business. Her shoulder-length hair was up in a clip. Her lips were pressed together as if she was ready to say no.

"Okay, let's hear it," Dad said.

Noah stepped in. "Basically, they're here to beg you for a sleepover with their desperate plea of it being their last night together before their entire life changes."

Dad nodded. "Really, now."

I was shocked. Noah had never done something like this for me. He was attending the nearby community college and after losing a soccer scholarship and his chance at his dream college, he'd carried a bitter chip on his shoulder the size of Texas.

"And why is that, Noah?"

Noah approached the table and for the first time in a long time let down his guard. His shoulders lowered and his voice dropped. "If I could go back to the night before graduation, I would do it in a heartbeat. The truth is that life does change. People change. Friends change. They can't help it."

Kama reached over and squeezed my hand. I stared at my brother in shock at the curtain he'd dropped, giving us a peek into his life. I realized how hard it must be for him to live at home while his friends were gone.

"So I think you should let her," he continued. "She'll have enough time to be stuck at home with us." He smiled. "No offense, Mom and Dad."

Minutes later, Kama and I rushed down the walk to the Beast, holding back our squeals until we got in the car. We shut the door, blasted the music, and roared out the driveway.

"Noah!" I gasped out to Brin. "Noah convinced my parents to say yes!"

"What?" she said. "No way!"

I let out a happy scream and started jamming to the music. The night was ours, to laugh, to cry, to love.

The music pounded, spreading through my body. The writhing, teeming mass of dancing classmates surrounded me as I headed into the fray. My ears were ringing from the blasting music and the random whoops.

I stayed numb to it all until I saw a flash of Haley's dark hair, with Brin and Kama following her. A cheer echoed through the room, encouraging them to dance it up. Haley laughed and my heart pulsed. I stood at the edge of the room, watching. Her cheeks were flushed. Her long brown hair swung around her shoulders. So damn sexy. Everything about her got me going.

Brin handed out red cups filled with foamy beer. They always used a driving system, so they must be planning on staying for a while if they were all drinking. Haley bumped and wiggled her hips. I couldn't take it one more second and parted the crowds to reach her. My hands circled her waist, her skin burning my fingertips with heat. She immediately leaned her back into me. My body felt like a live wire, every nerve ending shooting sparks.

"Did you wear that top to drive me crazy?" I ran my fingers up and down her sides and smiled when she shivered at my touch.

"For you, baby," she whispered and lifted her arms up around behind my neck.

This was different than any other time. She touched. She caressed. Her fingers worked magic. My skin sizzled and craved more. I swayed with her and let the pulse of the music work between us. She turned, not taking her hands off me.

"Can't we go somewhere else?" she murmured in my ear, then lowered and brushed her lips against the pulse on my neck.

"You bet," I said, trying to hide how fast I was breathing. "Meet me out back."

Haley disappeared into the crowd to tell Brin or Kama she'd be off with me. They were like that and had been since Haley's dad made them all take a safety course at the police station. It was annoying at times, but when I wasn't around, I knew she'd be safe.

The current song ended and people scattered. Justine had a huge game room in her basement with pool, air hockey, darts, and large couches. I tried not to act like I was about to make out with my girlfriend on the hammock in the backyard. I'd heard enough stories in the locker room about the hammock in Justine's backyard and it was my turn. If some couple were there, I'd kick them off. Liquid fire shot through my veins and other parts of my body.

In search of a blanket, I followed the crowd down to the basement. Maybe a quiet spot in the backyard would work better. I grabbed the first one I found, a soft fleece, perfect for snuggling and other things. Back upstairs, Haley gabbed with Brin, and I came up behind her.

"Wanna head outside?" I whispered. Then I grasped her hand and dragged her away from Brin.

"Sorry, gotta go!" she cried, laughing, so I knew she wasn't mad.

I pushed open the screen door and tripped on the mat. I caught myself and continued down the steps.

"Are you drunk?" she asked.

"Not at all." But then I gripped her hand, more for support.

Tiki lamps and candles flickered on the deck. The sweet smell floated in the air, fighting off the swarm of bugs. A glow spread across the yard, revealing a couple going at it on the hammock.

"Oh," she sighed. "The hammock's taken."

"The hammock's old news. I got something better in mind." I kissed her at the edge of the deck. We stood still, the world spinning around us; she was my center. Her hands traveled to the skin showing in the back and her fingers worked magic as she traced small circles above my jeans. More people moved onto the deck, so I broke away and turned my back to her. "Hop on. Your carriage awaits, Mademoiselle."

"What?" she gasped, and eyed the couples.

"Forget about them." I tried not to slur my words. "Tonight it's just you and me, baby." No parents. No interruptions. No Carly and her words digging into my soul and ripping apart my life. If this night couldn't be my fairytale, I'd make sure it was Haley's. "Come on, hop on." I nudged her.

With a giggle, she jumped on my back. "Giddy up!"

She tried to slap my butt and knocked the cup from my hands. It landed on my shoe, so I just kicked it away to water the grass. I trotted straight toward the hammock.

"What are you doing?" she said in my ear. "Someone's there."

If I couldn't have the hammock, then I could have a little fun. I trotted around the hammock and made neighing noises. I stopped and stomped my foot right next to the couple's head. It was a girl from my science class with her tongue stuck down the throat of some jock.

"Fuck off," he said.

I neighed again. Then kicked up my feet and jogged faster. Haley's boobs pressed against my back and moved up and down as I jogged. And she thought this was nothing but an innocent pony ride. But this pony started staggering and struggled to stay upright. The beer was going to my head and it was getting harder to keep a straight line.

"You can barely walk. Put me down."

"Insulted!" I cried. But ten feet from where the woods met the backyard, I stumbled and we pitched forward.

She screamed.

I twisted my body to catch her and we landed hard, our breath gone for a moment. Then she started laughing. She covered her mouth with her hand but the giggles escaped out the sides.

"I'm okay!" she called.

"Shh," I hushed. "This is our hiding spot. We don't want any other ponies finding the green pasture." I spread the blanket down. "To protect you from the itchy grass, my lady."

Then she jumped on top of me. I didn't complain.

She parted my mouth with her tongue. I touched the sides of her face, then let my hands drop lower. She wiggled her butt, which meant, hands to yourself. I obeyed for the moment, enjoying her lips on mine. The kiss deepened and everything else faded. A groan rattled in my throat, and I pressed my hips up against hers. She trailed kisses down my neck.

I breathed in the smell of her perfume, intoxicated by her. I moved slowly, teasing the bare skin at her waist first. She pressed into me harder. Bit by bit, I moved my hands higher toward my ultimate goal. Her boobs are always my point of destination. I circled my hands around the back, skimming my fingertips over her skin. With a quick flick, I unhooked her bra.

"Seth," she hissed.

"We're in the backyard. No one will see us." I moved my hands to the front and gently cupped her boobs.

"Ack! That's what you think until someone turns on the spotlight, just for a joke."

I was just about to use my magic fingers to convince her otherwise when something ran across the limb above us.

She startled. "What was that?"

I yanked down my shirt. "We're going end up on Facebook or something."

"It's nothin', Hales. Swear. We're alone out here. It's probably a chipmunk." He entwined his fingers in my hair and pulled me closer.

I gave in to it. We kissed for a long time. His lips played with mine, and I teased the skin on his neck with gentle kisses. Time stood still, but the noise from the party spilled into the yard, closer than before and invaded our bubble. I pulled away, signaling that make-out time was over.

"Haley!" He groaned and rolled over. "I can only handle so much of this."

His words caught me off guard. This was the first time he'd ever hinted about this. Then I thought about all the times we'd made out. The heavy kissing. Somehow I always found a reason for it not to go farther. I thought he was okay with that. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe tonight's the night he was waiting to have the "let's have sex or break up" talk. But he wouldn't, not the night before graduation. Right?

"What's that supposed to mean?" I asked, trying to hide my annoyance.

He pulled down his shirt and tucked me into his side again, but the ease and comfort disappeared. Our bodies no longer fit, and arms and legs poked awkwardly.

"You scared?"

"Of what?" I asked, hesitating. He changed the subject, and I wasn't sure of his purpose.

We lay on our backs, the grass tickling our necks, staring up through the branches into the dark sky. A flurry of clouds hid the bright moon, with only a few rays peeking out.

"You tell me," he said.

I wondered where the conversation was heading. It was like he was trying to get me to admit something. I turned and kissed his cheek. "I'm scared of falling without knowing where I'm going to land."

"What else?" His lips grazed my cheek. I guess my anger and knee-jerk reaction was forgiven.

"Um." It was hard to concentrate when his fingers were tracing the skin above my jeans. I pushed them away. "I don't know. Lots of things: bugs, bats, snakes. Normal stuff."

"What are you really scared of?" he asked.

He meant more than the silly fears of the dark or being home alone at night. That was what happened when you watched too many horror movies with your older brother. "What do you want to know?"

He sighed and ruffled the ends of my hair. "I want to know why every time we get hot and heavy you find some reason to stop. I want to know why you have to turn every serious conversation we have into a joke."

Huh? I was shocked into silence. Not about the sex part, that didn't surprise me one bit. But the joking part. He'd said that was the part he loved about me. But maybe that had grown old. For the first time I was speechless. I was the one always hinting around about the future, wasn't I? He was the one who avoided the conversations.

The words popped out of my mouth before I could stop them. "Ya know, babe. If you wanted to head to Vegas after graduation all you had to do was ask."

I knew it was a mistake as soon I said the words. Seth stiffened and pulled away. He sat up and put his head into his hands. I ran my hands across his back, trying to soften his mood.

He grabbed my wrist and put it aside. "Not now, Haley."

I sat up next to him. "What, Seth? What do you want? What's wrong?" Something had to be wrong. This wasn't Seth. He would never act like this unless he'd had more to drink than I thought.

He turned and the shadows on his face made him real sexy but any heat had been sapped from the night. "It's graduation tomorrow."

"I know that." Now I was annoyed. He made me feel like I was three years old and he was walking me through the alphabet.

"Do you?"

I breathed deep several times because I didn't want to fight on this night. "Yes, Seth. I know that." My sarcasm slipped in. "I know that two plus two equals four and five plus five equals ten."

Seth stood and paced. "This is exactly what I mean. I'm trying to talk to you and all you can do is crack jokes."

"What do you expect me to do? You're attacking me because I don't want to do more than make out in someone's backyard." My voice cracked. "You've always been fine with that."

"What choice do I have?" He shook his head and then grabbed for my hand. "I am fine with that, but every once in a while it's nice to be needed. To know I'm loved."

Then it hit me. "Is this about graduation and not sex?"

"Not really. It's about everything. We've been together for years." He let go of my hand and an invisible wall dropped between us. I shivered. "At first I liked that you didn't pressure me about the future. But after years and it getting closer to graduation, I wonder why you don't. I need to know you're not going to up and leave one day when you're tired of me."

Seth was much more than some fling to me but I couldn't find the words to tell him. Saying I love you now would sound like a cop-out.

"Maybe we should talk about this when you're not drunk," I said.

Seth reached for me then dropped his hand. "I gotta take a piss."

"Sure," I mumbled, wondering how I messed up so bad when I thought we were great. How in one night our relationship started unraveling. Or maybe it was always frayed at the edges.

Then he headed inside without looking back once.

I grabbed the blanket in my hands and squeezed. My heart was breaking, slowly but surely. I refused to let tonight go bad. It would be fun. It would be the best night of my life. I glanced across the darkened yard and became aware of the crickets and the rustle in the nearby woods.

He was coming back, right?

I stumbled away from Haley, my heart racing and my hands curled into fists. I wanted a fight. But I didn't want to fight with her. I tripped on the stairs and slammed my shin into the edge of the wood. Searing pain shot through to the bone. I was probably bleeding and would have a massive bruise, but I didn't care.

Curses flew from my mouth as I stumbled across the deck. A couple making out on the porch swing grunted then went back at it.

Some party.

Three doors blurred in front of me. I chose the center one and crashed into the room. The party had gone on without me. I joined in on a game of quarters. I missed the cup every single time and drank more. Until my fight with Haley was just a blur.

But that didn't last long. A few minutes later she walked in, took one look at me, then whooshed right past. Shit.

I played a few more rounds. More drinks. Haley and Kama passed by and headed onto the back porch. I laughed extra loud just to show how fucking fun of a time I was having. Finally, Troy, one of my soccer teammates, shut me down and kicked me out of the game.

"Asshole!" I muttered.

I spotted Carter in a chair in the corner. I double blinked to make sure I was seeing right. Was he making out with Brin? I pushed back from the table, not caring that the chair knocked over. I ignored the complaints. "Sorry," I held up a finger, "I'm a detective and on the case."

I wove in and out of the clusters of bodies. At the chair, I dropped to my knees and studied the evidence. A black curtain of hair hid the crime but every detective does his homework and investigates the crime scene. I proceeded with extreme caution. Using two fingers, I separated the curtain and saw two pairs of lips going at it.

Carter pushed me away. "Leave us alone. You're drunk, man."

Brin lifted her head and flashed me a sly smile. "Yeah, go find your own girl." They went back to it.

I slumped against the couch. Haley. What happened out there? What had I said to her? I had the vague impression that we didn't leave on a good note. She was probably pissed that I tried to go to second base. Figures. The room spun and the conversations that I'd been holding back all night crashed through now that I wasn't on guard. Dad's face and his lies as he only told me half-truths. Mom not saying anything. Maybe for some crazy reason, Carly was wrong. If I was playing detective I should probably gather evidence before making the final verdict.

Across the room, Carly chatted away, but her words were stilted and her laughter forced. Eventually, she glanced my way with eyes that would melt even the hardest of hearts. She hugged her friends goodbye and left through the front door. I pushed up onto my feet. I couldn't let the evidence get away. If she told me that she didn't know for sure our parents were doing the nasty, this night might not turn out so bad.

Girls took one look at my face and turned away. They never truly wanted me. They wanted Seth, the boy they could never have. Forbidden fruit. Grass was greener on the other side. That pissed me off. None of them knew me. None of them saw the real me. At the door, I turned and held up both middle fingers.

"Fuck all of you!"

I didn't even make it to the top steps before Jamie grabbed the back of my shirt. "No way, man. Don't even think about driving."

The fact that he didn't trust me not to do something stupid even though I did plan on driving pissed me off. I whirled around and my fist caught his face.

"Serves you right!" I blurted.

But he didn't stop. He wrapped his arms around me, and we tumbled down the steps and wrestled in the gravel walkway. I grunted and tried to push him off, but I was having a hard time controlling my arms. If I were sober he'd have no chance against me.

A soft voice interrupted our groans. "I'll make sure he gets home safely."

I knew Haley couldn't stay mad at me. Not tonight. We'd go home to my house or to Raker's bluff and screw the night away. I laughed. But it wasn't Haley's face I saw bend over us. It was Carly's. She touched Jamie's back and repeated her words.

"I'll make sure he doesn't drive. I'm heading out anyway."

I couldn't have planned this better. She was still willing to talk to me, and I could interrogate her. I believed that was the official word. Jamie climbed off me and rubbed his jaw.

Carly led him back to the house. "Go get some ice for your face. I promise I won't let him drive."

Jamie narrowed his eyes. "Fine, but be careful. He doesn't like others to drive." He made his way back up the stairs and into the house.

Great, now everyone would know I'd left with Carly. But I didn't care. Haley would understand. Maybe. I sat up and tried to dazzle Carly with my smile. She wasn't going to let me just drive away. But I needed to be alone.

She stated her case right away. "Don't even think about driving, Seth."

I stood and swayed a bit then gained my balance. "I think you're jumping to conclusions, counselor."

She held out her hands. "Keys."

I laughed. "You don't know me very well, do you?"

She lowered her hand. "Thought I'd try. You've been drinking and you can't drive home. Let me drive you and we can get your car tomorrow morning."

I tapped my chin. "Hmm. I'll think about it. If you answer some questions first." I left the implication hanging for her to assume I'd give her my keys if she cooperated.

She pursed her lips, then said, "Okay. Let's walk to my car. Ask away."

She completely fell for my plan. It was so easy I almost felt guilty. And a nice walk to the car should clear my head before I drove and left her in the dust. "Okay. How do you know for sure that our parents are doing the nasty?"

She grimaced. "Do you have to call it that? It's so crude."

"What do you want me to say? That they're making love?" I asked.

"No! Definitely not." She ran her fingers through her hair.

"You know, if you weren't such a bitch, you'd have the boys falling all over you."

She stopped, her hand on her hip. "Is that supposed to be a compliment?"

I grinned. "Yes."

"Fine. I'll take it. Thank you. But there are reasons I am the way I am and it's none of your business." She kept walking. "Do you want me to answer the question or not?"

I steered around a car. "Answer away."

She sighed, then smiled. "It's kind of nice to be able to tell someone about this. I can't talk to anyone because if my dad found out, he'd kill me. I've known for a while my dad's a cheat. Your mom isn't the first or the second."

I cringed. Great. The asshole convinced Mom he loved her, and because she was lonely, she fell for him. Made me hate my dad even more.

"Sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear."

"You think?"

"I've been working for my dad since I turned thirteen," she continued. "I file his papers, photocopy, clean, anything and everything. The first time I was shocked but when I told my mom, he completely flipped out. He smacked me around and convinced my mom that I lied."

I stopped walking and leaned against the car. Shit. I felt terrible.

"I haven't said a word since. I'm the silent watcher. I see the women come and go. And maybe each time he truly is in love. But he won't leave my mom because he doesn't want to tarnish his image."

"How do you know about my mom?" My certainty that Carly was wrong about this was fading, and I struggled to grasp onto my last threads of hope.

"A few months ago, I worked late. Finishing stuff up so I could have my Saturday free. For some reason, he'd been keeping his latest fling more secret than usual. Probably because he knew she had a son who went to school with me. I don't know. I'm guessing."

"That doesn't prove anything."

"Are you sure you want to know?" She touched my arm. "I can stop here and you can think that I'm lying. I won't blame you."

"No, go on." My voice was hoarse.

"When I went back to the office that night, I found them in the copy room." She shuddered.

The words hung in the air between us. So much hurt, so much blame. One action with ripple effects across so many lives. I didn't need to ask any more questions. She'd been too honest. I'd always been good at knowing when someone was bullshitting or not. I knew there was more to the story earlier when Dad said he was leaving. Now I knew. It wasn't Dad cheating. It was Mom. Rage built. They were all to blame. Each one played their role.

"Now," Carly stated. "Hand them over."

I grinned at her. "Whatcha talking about?"

"Seth." Her voice grew stern. "Hand over the keys."

I pulled them out of my pocket and dangled them in front of her. "You mean these?"

She grabbed at them, and I pulled them away at the last second. She tried again and again. When she stopped, she was breathing heavier, her cheeks flushed, and fear wavered in her eyes.

I patted her cheek. "You're so sweet. I meant what I said earlier. You're a beautiful person who's gotten a raw deal in life. You go back up those stairs and stop letting your dad control who you are. Be who you want to be. The Carly I saw tonight."

"Please," she whispered, "don't drive. You're drunk."

"I'm okay. I'm barely feeling it anymore. The fresh air and the raw truth works wonders."

She tried for the keys again. I stepped out of the way and laughed. "But thanks anyway." With one last shove, I pushed her toward the party. She stumbled and skidded across the gravel. I felt bad for a second, then sprinted toward my car. I was fine to drive. I'd had a few drinks, but the truth sobered me up pretty quick. I needed to be alone. I'd come back in a little bit and they'd see. I wasn't drunk.

The loud music grated on my nerves when I re-entered the party with Kama. A group huddled around the radio, singing at the top of their voices, all off-key. Couples slobbered all over each other on the couches, chairs, and in the corners. A game of quarters seemed popular at the kitchen table. Coins were rolling all over the floor, but I didn't see Seth. He never came back.

"Hey!" Brin pulled me to the side. "What happened?"

"What do you mean?"

She twisted her hands, and her eyes were shifty. A sure sign she was holding something back.

"What?"

She shrugged. "What what?"

I grabbed her arm. "What're you holding back? Come on. We tell each other everything."

"Well, you see, Seth left." She smiled but it still wasn't real. More like she was hoping I'd buy her expanded version.

I crossed my arms and tapped my foot. I wasn't that stupid.

She mumbled and played with the sleeves of her shirt.

"Say it again. Without mumbling," I demanded. The room raged around me, but the noise faded, and I focused on Brin. "Please."

"Fine. Seth left with Carly."

Shock reeled my system and stunned me into silence. Carly had been gunning for Seth since forever. Even though I glared at her whenever possible and made it obvious Seth was mine. Even though Brin and Kama had told her more than once that he was taken. Even though the entire school knew we'd been together for years. She'd probably been waiting the whole year, watching for a weakness in our relationship. She'd found one. Tonight. And swooped in for the kill.

I forgot about being angry with Seth, and rage burned up inside that she'd leave with him.

"I don't think it's like that," Brin said. "Jamie tried to stop him or leave with him but he refused."

"Oh, I know exactly what it's like." My words left a bitter sting in the air. "She waited until my boyfriend was drunk and then took advantage of the situation. She'll probably have him drive out to Raker's point and seduce him." I didn't share the fact that our current fight was about sex, or the lack of sex. But then I realized that part didn't matter all.

Brin and I came to the same conclusion. "He's drunk," we said together.

"Did Carly drive?" I asked. I scanned the party hoping that Brin was mistaken and they were really making out in a dark corner. But I didn't see them.

"I don't know."

But I knew. Seth loved to drive. When he was mad or drunk it was impossible to wrangle the wheel from him. If he was both mad and drunk it could be lethal. I raced upstairs weaving in between the drunk couples. One girl was crying at the top, black mascara streaming down her cheeks. They all shot me dirty looks, but I didn't care. What mattered was finding Seth. I prayed to God he was in a bedroom. I wanted him alive. I opened every door and peered inside. I called his name. I got a bunch of angry shouts to shut the door. Someone was puking in the bathroom. I whipped open the door, but it wasn't Seth or Carly. I stumbled back down the stairs.

"Where's Kama?" I asked Brin. Panic rushed through me, and my adrenaline spiked. My hands were shaking.

"Downstairs shooting pool with Justine, I think."

I pressed my lips together more determined than ever. This wasn't my fault. We'd had a fight, and it wasn't even that big.

"I'll go grab Kama. Are you okay to drive?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I've barely had any."

She gave me a hard stare. "This conversation isn't over though. I want to know what happened out there with Seth. You two are the one sure thing in my life. It offers me hope that someday I'll find the right guy."

"I promise. We'll talk. Later."

She headed to the basement stairs, and I stumbled through the living room to the front door. Kama wouldn't have a problem with me driving the Beast. It was a clunker and the exhaust sounded like a freight train. She couldn't stand it so handed over the keys whenever possible. I'd go crazy sitting in the passenger seat anyway. I needed to keep busy. I needed to feel productive.

I stepped outside and a rush of warm air blew my hair into my eyes. I swiped it back behind my ears. It smelled like rain. I usually loved this kind of night, but I was worried about the driving conditions for the next thirty minutes. I easily picked out the Beast among all the Jettas, Civics, and minivans borrowed from parents. I half-walked half-sprinted to the car.

"Hey, wait up!"

"We're coming!"

We all arrived at the car, breathless. Kama stood in front of me. "You promise you're okay to drive?"

I nodded. "Yes."

She narrowed her eyes as if she didn't believe me.

I put up both hands. "Since the one beer when we first arrived, I've had a few sips. But why don't you both stay here and enjoy the party. You don't need to get involved in my drama."

Kama waved her hand. "The party's kinda boring. And you know me," she winked, "I love drama."

"Brin? You want to stay?" I asked.

Kama made a kissing sound. "Sure you want to leave Carter behind?"

Hesitation flashed across her face. "No way. We're in this together. We'll find Seth, kick Carly's butt, then get ready for our little run through town."

I'd forgotten all about our lost bet. Right now, the wager we'd made over a game of pool seemed like last week. It seemed inconsequential in the bigger scheme of things. After we found Seth, we'd force them to streak down Main Street with us. Maybe Seth and I could even sneak off later, somewhere private to talk.

The Beast started up with a roar as the first raindrops splattered the windshield.

"I checked the weather. This is just a passing shower." Kama tapped her smart phone.

I gripped the wheel and focused on the road. Signs flashed by, and I knew exactly where to go. It was where everyone goes to make out. Seth and I had visited there and steamed up a couple windows over the past few years. Another reminder of all the times I'd led him on and never put out. I couldn't wait to talk to Brin later. She'd tell me truth. If I was just a big tease for not wanting to go all the way.

I wound through the towns to the shore, pushing the speed limit. A driving force in my chest feared for Seth's life. He was mad, and reckless when it came to driving. I wanted to see his car up on the bluff even if it was rocking back and forth. I needed this for my own state of mind. The rain beat the windshield in driving sheets. The car lights barely penetrated the sudden darkness, so I slowed down.

"So much for weather predictions and passing showers," Kama stated.

I pulled into the empty parking lot and slammed on the brakes. It had been originally built as a lookout point but over the years it had turned into more of a make-out spot. Fog surrounded us like a thick wool blanket. Visibility was at zero. Never mind trying to spot a car twenty feet away.

"I'll be right back." I opened the door and made a run for it. The gravel dug through my thin-soled sneakers and rain pelted my face. I sprinted the length of the lot, praying for the sight of his mom's minivan. But there was no one here. "Dammit. Where are you?"

I raced back to the car and climbed in. Water dripped everywhere. It ran in streams down my arms and back.

Brin squealed. "You're soaked!"

"No kidding." I slammed my hand against the wheel. "Where to now? Think. Where would Seth go?"

We sat in silence, the swish of the rain surrounding us like we were the only ones alive. Where would Seth go? Where would he go with a girl? I really didn't think he was planning on cheating on me. But he might've wanted to flirt and show off. "Got it."

I moved the car into gear and went in reverse, the wheels spinning and spitting out gravel.

"Where to next?" Brin asked.

I pulled out of the lot and drove like a mad woman. "Where's the one place Seth might bring a girl to impress her or show off."

"The pool hall," they said in unison.

I headed back to our town. "I didn't realize he was so drunk. I mean, I knew, but..." The words stalled and died. That it was graduation night and for some reason that made it more acceptable to drink. Because that was a horrible reason. "I don't want to find his car wrapped around a pole."

"We'll find him." Brin stated with a confidence that escaped me.

"What's that?" Kama asked. "Shh. Listen."

It was hard to hear over the rain but then I heard it. Sirens blared off in the not-so-far distance. My imagination sped forward, and I imagined Seth crushed in an accident. "Shit." My heart raced, and I pressed the gas harder. The Beast groaned, and the wheels spun, sending the car into a tailspin.

I slammed on the brakes but it sent the car careening off to the side. I lost complete control as the wheels hydroplaned. And then we were spinning.

I heard screams. The colors blurred outside.

I whipped at the wheel and hit the brakes again and again. But the car didn't stop. A horn blared and headlights bore down on us. I closed my eyes and braced for impact. We got hit from the side. The car shuddered. Metal crunched. Tires squealed. My stomach turned as the car flipped upside down.

I rolled onto my side with a pounding headache and groaned. Somehow I'd ended up at home and had managed to stumble up to my room and fall in bed. My clothes were wrinkled and reeked of beer and smoke. I pulled the pillow over my head. Images from last night seared my brain, hot and pulsing. I remembered Haley's face when I spit out insults that hurt her feelings. Guilt and regret needled me, and the urge to puke built in my throat.

My memory came back in pieces. Angry words. Pulling away. Storming off. Scenes played out like a movie in my head. I'd tripped up the stairs and went back to the party. Carly had talked to me. We'd walked down the driveway toward my car. Oh my God. Had I left with her?

My fingers curled around my sheets. The truth was like a vice grip. Was I like my mom? A cheat? I wanted the earth to crack open and swallow me. I needed coffee and aspirin.

The downstairs was strangely silent.

"Mom? Dad?" I called. The words didn't bring any response. "Anyone here?"

I found a note on the table.

Last minute errand. Be back soon. We'll talk later about the van.

Shit. What I'd do? Leave it on empty? That always pissed Mom off.

I poured some coffee and slumped down at the table with Mom's iPad to play some stupid mind-numbing game. I switched over to her webmail but it was signed out, and I didn't know the password. Mom was a lunatic about passwords and changed them every month. But that made sense now, if she'd been hiding an affair with Carly's dad for the past four months or longer. I pushed away from the table. Too many things were banging around in my head for me to process. Dad leaving. Mom cheating. Me possibly cheating. Leaving Haley high and dry at the party last night.

I shuffled into the living room and flopped on the coach and surfed Netflix for some rerun of something that didn't make me think. I was drifting off into a nice sleep that would be sure to take the edge off my hangover. Maybe I'd wake up after lunch. Yeah, that was a plan. Then I'd call Carter and crawl back to Haley and beg her forgiveness.

My phone buzzed, jarring me awake. I stumbled into the kitchen and fumbled for the phone on the counter where I dropped my keys last night.

"Hello?"

"Hey, asshole. You up for breakfast?" Carter asked.

"No. I'll call you later when I wake up. Much later." I went to press End but he called my name. "What?" I was fully annoyed at this point. He knew better than to call early on the morning after a party.

"Graduation?"

"Oh, shit."

"You coming over, or what?"

"Yeah, yeah. Let me jump in the shower and I'll be right over."

I dropped the phone. Graduation. Totally forgot. I wished I could postpone it about a week. With all their drama, my parents probably didn't even remember.

My phone buzzed again. I sighed with annoyance ready to ream Carter out. I got the point. I was coming. The caller ID popped up with Carly. Shit. I ignored it. The last thing I needed was to confront her or find out what happened between us last night. If I kissed her, she was doing the morning after call to try and hook up today or see if it would turn into more. If my memories were correct, and I walked out with her, there must be some mistake. No way would I have left with her on my own.

After showering and forcing down dry toast, I headed outside. Carly called four more times. I ignored all of them. She must've been desperate. When I got to the top of the driveway, I froze. My mom's minivan. The front end was completely smashed. I rolled my neck. Maybe my headache and body aches weren't due to just a hangover. I shuffled forward, filled with regret. I didn't remember getting in an accident. How could I forget something like that?

The bumper and grill looked like some monster clamped down on it with fierce and sharp jaws and took a bite. I got home last night so it must still be drivable. I shrugged. It would have to come out of my measly college fund, which I wasn't counting on anyway. This day was turning out to be crap.

On the way over to Carter's, Carly called three more times. I was tempted to pick it up and tell her where to go, but it was better to not play her game. I parked down the road instead of in his driveway, because I didn't want the comments or questions about the van, especially since I didn't remember. I plastered on a smile and tried not to act like I wanted to crawl into a cave.

Carter took one look at me and smirked. Walking through the breakfast buffet his mom set up, he whispered. "You look like hell."

"No kidding." I bit back the questions. Carter had to know about last night. I hoped.

Over breakfast, his parents peppered us with questions about our future, about the day, until Carter gave his mom the signal to quit it. Then they turned the conversation to all the memories of us getting into trouble. It was relaxing and for a few brief moments, I forgot. About everything. If that had been their goal, then it had worked.

A loud rapping at the door interrupted our walk down memory lane. Carter's mom left the table.

"It's probably Jamie," Carter joked. "He was supposed to be here."

I mustered up the energy to join in. "We'll save the dishes for him."

There was a commotion in the entranceway. Carter's mom sounded flustered. And above her voice was Carly's. Shit. I hadn't answered the phone, so she followed me here? Stalker. I pushed back from the table and stormed over to the door.

"What're you doing here?" I demanded.

She was frantic and ran to me, clutching my shirt and shaking me. "Where have you been? I've been calling you all morning!"

I pushed her away in disgust and scolded her in low tones so Carter's family couldn't hear. "Listen, I don't know what happened last night but I was drunk and it didn't mean anything. So you can go home."

Tears streaked her cheeks. "You're an asshole, you know that. I've been to your house, Jamie's and now here." She pushed my chest, her eyes turning crazy. "And for the record, we didn't do anything. I was just trying to be a friend."

Heat crept up the back of my neck. Now everyone knew. And she was right. I was so paranoid about Haley finding out, and so off with the news of our parents, that I was taking it out on her. I took a deep breath, gaining control of my emotions. "I'm sorry. You don't deserve to take the heat of my anger," I whispered. "What happened between our parents is separate from us."

Carly cried harder. "Don't do this, Seth. Not now. Our parents, us, that's not important right now." She bit her lip as if not wanting to share the information.

Dread pooled in the pit of my stomach, and I wanted to lose the scrambled eggs and bacon I just ate. "What?" I asked. When she didn't say anything, I asked again. "What?" My voice shook. Carter stood next to me, along with his parents.

Carly broke down. "There was an accident last night. It was raining. The car hydroplaned." Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I'm sorry, Seth."

I struggled to breathe. "Haley?"

She nodded. "They're not letting anyone in or releasing any information. That's why I've been calling you. I'm so sorry. I hope they're okay." Then she turned and ran away.

She hoped they were okay? Brin and Kama must've been with her. I grabbed Carter's shoulder. "Let's go, man."

Carter's parents promised to call mine, and they'd be over soon. I raced to the van with Carter following.

"Whoa, what happened to your mom's van?" Carter asked after we slammed the door closed, and I gunned the engine.

"I front ended a car when leaving the party." For some reason, I couldn't admit that I couldn't remember.

I could crush the steering wheel I was squeezing it so hard. I whipped around corners and flew along the straight-aways. The rest of last night's rain streamed down the windshield.

I had to get to the hospital.

I couldn't believe I made this all about me. I ignored Carly's calls. I assumed she was flirting. I was such a jerk. Why had they been out on the road? Haley should've stayed at the party, laughing, and having a good time.

I'd never gone back to the party. I meant to, just to show them all that I wasn't drunk, but my heart had been teetering on the edge, and I couldn't face Haley. Not after I'd lied to her all night and then laid blame on her for not being committed. I should've gone back. I should've been there.

I rounded a corner and cut off another car. The driver laid on the horn. Almost there. I threw out all sorts of promises to a God I didn't believe in.  _Just make her okay_. We pulled into the hospital, parked the van, and ran.

Drip, drip, drip. Still raining.

I tried to move but the weight of the world pressed on my body. I panicked and struggled to move. My mind was blank, a clear slate with not even a scribble on it. I couldn't recall even a fragment of a memory. How had I ended up here? Where was I?

"She's awake!" a voice called.

People rushed around me, creating a slight draft. Fingers pressed into the crook of my arm. Beeps beeped and machines hummed quietly in the background. Hushed whispers. I faded them out. A hot tear trembled against my eyelashes. I was in a hospital, and I was the one hurt. What had happened?

Drip, drip, drip. The rain. Graduation. The night flashed back. Everything from our crazy wager to the hot tub to the party. SETH! The word screamed out, pulsing in my head and crashing against my chest as I repeated his name. I groaned and tried to speak.

"Seth!"

A hand smoothed my hair. "No worries, dear. You're lucky to be alive."

Her voice continued to calm me, but her sweet words crashed against me and fell away. They didn't make it past the words screaming through my head. I opened my eyes for the first time and grabbed her hand. Her skin was warm. My fingers felt ice cold. She gently pried them off and laid my arm back on the bed.

"It's okay, hon. You were in an accident. But you're going to make it. I believe you made it out with whiplash, a concussion and bruises from the airbag and the impact." Her eyes were set against her dark face. She wore her kinky hair super short. She was good. Her job was to calm down the wackos who woke up and realized they were in the hospital and their boyfriend might be dead. But she knew something.

"Seth! Is Seth here?" I managed to whisper. The words scratched at my throat.

"Only your parents are allowed in, and we sent them down for a break. They'll be back shortly."

"Seth!" She didn't understand, and my frustration grew. "Is he here in the hospital?"

She smiled. "Is he your honey? Any other guests, we sent home."

A tear slipped down my cheek. "No."

She rubbed my cheek and tucked the blanket around me. Without a word, she fiddled with the machinery.

"I mean. Is he hurt? In the hospital?"

She pressed her lips together as if debating how much to say. That expression sent panic sweeping through me. Oh my God. He was dead. I hadn't made it in time. Those sirens we'd heard were for him. As I wondered about Seth, horror crept in and squeezed my chest. I could barely breathe. I heard the crunch of metal again and the screams. Kama! And Brin!

I pushed up onto my elbows even though every muscle in my body complained. I barely got the words out. "My friends. In the car. Are they okay?" My voice trembled, and I teetered on the edge. That was what she held back. It wasn't her job to tell me that my friends hadn't made it. Dead. I killed them. I had to know.

I ripped out any tubes going into my arm. It hurt like hell. The tape peeled off my skin, ripping all the tiny hairs with it. Every movement sent pain crashing through my head. I stumbled out of the bed. Strong hands gripped my arms.

"Now that's enough, Haley. You must stay in bed." She pressed a button on the wall. I knew what would come next. They'd prick me and put me back to sleep.

"No!" I yelled. I had to see the rooms. Maybe they were there, sleeping off a concussion just like me. They had to be. Had to be.

She tried her hardest to force me back to bed. But any pain I'd endured didn't matter. The pain felt cathartic as it sliced through me. I hauled off and punched her in the face. I screamed, the sobs fighting to break free. I reached the door and whipped it open.

An old man shuffled down the hallway in his walker, his hospital gown flapping open in the back. A nurse scurried over to me from a desk, so I booked it down the hall to the next room. I opened the door. Empty. I rushed to the next door and opened it. A small girl watched reruns of Dora on the television. The next door. An old lady snored in bed. I went from door to door. I stopped outside the last door. This was my last hope, and I didn't want to open it.

Two male nurses each grabbed an arm. I grimaced, waiting for the needle.

"Don't touch her!"

My dad stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. I collapsed against him. The warmth of his shirt smelled like home. His arms hadn't held me like this since I was a little girl. But I remembered. It was everything safe and loving. I remembered. Together, we sank to the floor, and he just held me.

"I need to know," I mumbled against his chest. I hoped and prayed the fact that Brin and Kama weren't in any of the rooms was a mistake. Maybe they were on a different floor. Or they were miraculously thrown from the car. I just needed them to be alive.

"I'm sorry, Haley." His words were soft but pierced through to my heart. "They didn't make it."

I wailed, the sobs breaking through any restraint I had. He held me, and we rocked together in the hallway of the hospital. He ran his fingers down my hair and rubbed my back.

But nothing helped. Nothing would ever help.

Carter and I raced up to the hospital desk in the lobby. The older lady behind it peered at me through her bifocals. I barely got the words out.

"Haley Sparks. Where is she?"

The woman bit her lip, smearing her red lipstick, while studying the computer. "What wing is she in?"

"I don't know. She came some time last night. Bad car accident." My voice cracked.

"Oh." The woman's face changed from business-like to pity and my stomach curled in on itself. She pointed down the hall. "Emergency wing. But Haley Sparks isn't allowed to see anyone but family."

I slammed my fist on the desk. "So she's alive?"

She gave me a motherly smile. "I can't say, dear."

I sprinted over to the emergency wing and pushed through the doors. Carter followed.

"Maybe we should wait in the lobby?" he asked.

"No way. I have to know." I walked but then ran up to the desk. My breath came out in ragged pants as fear seized my chest. One glance around the room told me Haley's parents weren't here. "What room is Haley Sparks in?"

The nurse shook her head. "She was moved to a different floor last night." She patted my hand. "Fourth floor."

Carter grabbed my arm and forced me to walk to the elevator. Nervous sweat soaked my pits, and I smelled the odor. I wanted to puke but gritted my teeth as my stomach dropped on the way to the fourth floor.

"You can do this, okay?" He tried to comfort me, but he didn't know everything that happened.

On the third floor, two male nurses entered the elevator in the middle of a conversation.

"So it was a hit and run?" the one asked.

"I think so. The police were here but haven't been able to question the girl. I hope they catch the guy."

"What are the odds of that?"

"Pretty slim. It was high enough that it was from a larger vehicle."

The nurse sighed. "I feel bad for the girl. She's the same age as my daughter. She's got a tough road in front of her, being the only survivor."

The elevator stopped, and they exited. I slid against the wall until my butt hit the floor. Carter was pale and shaky. Only survivor. I pressed my palms to my eyes. She'd lost her best friends. Hit and run. What kind of asshole did that?

The fourth floor blinked, and the door opened. We stepped out and took shaky breaths. "Let's go," I said.

We found the check-in desk but I didn't see any parents in the waiting area. I turned to Carter. "You go check the cafeteria. I'll look around here."

"Sure, man." He squeezed my arm. "I'll be right back." He stumbled away just as much a zombie as I felt.

I waited for a nurse to arrive but only an old man with a walker shuffled down the hall. Every five feet or so, another door, another room, another opportunity to find the truth. Strains of some kid's show came through one of them. Haley could be behind any one of them.

A heart-wrenching scream ripped out from behind one of the doors. Someone struggled, and machines and carts crashed about. The door flew open, and Haley stumbled out. Tubes dangled from her arms. Pain like jagged pieces of glass splintered off her. The way she jerked forward, reaching out, for someone she couldn't see. The paleness of her face. The desperation in her eyes. She looked like hell.

I felt the blood drain from my face. I wanted to run to her, but my feet wouldn't move. She raced to each door, opened it, then moved to the next one. Finally, she stopped just as the nurses closed in on her.

"Don't touch her!" Her dad burst from the men's bathroom and ran to her. He wrapped his arms around her and they sank to the floor.

Then she let out a wail that reached in and tore out my heart. More images from last night flashed through my head. A car crash. A hit and run. The front of my mom's minivan, the twisted and torn metal. I'd been driving drunk.

The realization squeezed my entire body, and I stepped away. The smells surrounded me, the beeping of machines, the white walls. It was too much. I couldn't hold my girlfriend. I ran away.

I raced down the stairs and collapsed in the lobby.

My knees dug into the carpet. I sucked in air. Carter dragged me to my feet. He wrapped his arms around me, but I pushed him away and sprinted outside. I needed fresh air. I needed the sun. I needed to breathe. And I couldn't breathe in the hospital.

Outside, Carter caught up to me. "What's going on? Don't you want to visit?"

"No." I walked back toward my mom's minivan. How had I survived? Last night crashed down on me and the guilt tore at my insides.

Carter tried to talk to me, but I shook him off. "You don't get it."

"Then tell me!"

I wanted to tell him, tell him everything. What would he think? The thought of losing my friends to the truth twisted my gut. My secrets needed to stay secret. I unlocked the van and cringed at the sight of the twisted metal. "I mean, Haley needs her family right now. Visitors aren't allowed. They kicked me out." The lie came easily. "We'll come back later."

But I'd never come back. I didn't deserve to visit or to comfort her. I deserved prison or worse. Either way our relationship was over. Her love for me would die the second she found out my part in this.

It was better we drifted apart, and she never learned the truth.

The next two days passed in a blur. People entered the room and talked at me. They left and their words slowly slipped away, only random thoughts repeating in my mind, until there was nothing. Dad and Mom rarely left my side. The nurse refused to leave until I ate the cafeteria food. I swallowed it down but tasted nothing but cardboard.

Noah visited and gave me a sad smile, like he understood. He was the only one who didn't throw stupid false promises at me. That was because he knew my life had changed. Forever. No rewind. No do-over.

Flowers and cards flooded into the room constantly. Stuffed animals. The smell was overpowering and all the cheeriness made me feel sick. Finally, after learning her name was Doris, I told the nurse how I felt. I asked her to take them all away. Throw them in the dumpster. She suggested the stuffed animals go to the kids in the cancer wing. I nodded yes, immediately feeling selfish and worse. I lived while kids in this hospital were dying. They'd give anything to know they'd leave and continue breathing. When all I wanted was to shrivel up and die.

After observation for two nights, they allowed me to go home. But I didn't want to because then I'd have to face my life. But I went through the motions. I slipped into the jeans and a T-shirt Mom brought for me. I tried for her sake because she was worried. I hugged Doris goodbye. On the way out, they suggested grief counseling. My parents signed me up for at least a month.

Then we were in the car and the familiar sights of our town rushed past. For two days I'd focused on Brin and Kama. But deep down what caused the ache to turn to a throb was the fact that Seth never came to visit. Not once. And I had no idea why. He wasn't like that. We fought but he was always there for me and would never just not show up.

The next couple of days were surreal. I'd missed graduation so a part of me felt like I got sucked into a wormhole. Like graduation would be next weekend. Mom kept a close eye on me, asking what I needed, bringing me snacks, making all my favorite foods, but she was exhausted. She entered one morning with breakfast in bed. French toast with powdered sugar.

"Mom," I said.

She set up the tray in my bed and kept talking about the weather. The sunshine. The warmth. The budding flowers.

"Mom!" I said louder.

She stopped and sat on the edge of the bed. Dark circles shadowed her eyes and her hair frizzed out around her face.

"It's okay. You can stop the special treatment."

Tears brimmed her eyes, and she stumbled over words before getting a full sentence out. "We want to make sure you're okay." She knew better than to ask how I was doing every five minutes. "Your friends from school have called. A girl named Justine wants to stop by."

"Seth?" I asked.

She shook her head. "I'm sorry."

"Why? Where is he?" But then I caught myself. I couldn't feel sorry for myself just because Seth hadn't stopped by once. My friends were dead. "Never mind. I don't care."

Mom paused and from experience I knew she wanted to talk about something.

"What?" I asked.

She rubbed the top of my hand. "The funeral and memorial service are tomorrow."

The question behind her words hung in the air. Horror rushed up and stole my breath. "I can't go. I can't go. I can't go." Panic rose, threatening to suck me under.

She set the tray aside and pulled me to her. "Shh. It's okay. You don't have to. I just wanted to let you know."

All of a sudden the same four walls of my bedroom were a prison. The corkboard plastered with my memories on the opposite wall dug into my soul. I grabbed the mirror on the nightstand and threw it at the wall. Shattered glass hit the floor. This summer was supposed to be filled with more memories. More ticket stubs and photos at the beach. More laughter and more smiles.

Mom hugged me again, to try and stop my shaking.

"I need to get out," I said.

"Sure thing. I can set you up on the back deck."

"No, I mean I need to be alone. I'll take my bike."

She tilted her head as if analyzing me to make sure I wasn't about to do something stupid.

"I'll be okay. I can't sit inside forever." I glanced over at the corkboard. "And while I'm gone can you take down everything. I can't take it anymore."

She nodded sadly. "Want Noah or your dad to go with you?"

I reached out and slipped my hand into hers. "Maybe Noah could drive me over to Raker's Bluff?" I squeezed her hand. "I'll be okay. I can't live inside the house forever."

What I didn't tell her was that I had decisions to make. I needed to talk to them, to Brin and Kama. I needed to talk to them alone, where the waves, sky, and clouds would be the only witnesses. And maybe, wherever they were, they'd forgive me. If I was lucky.

The minivan was past repair. Mom and Dad sold it to the junkyard for scraps and bought a used one. Brand new with smooth metal just where it should be with no lingering scars.

I lied to everyone, especially myself. That was what my life was becoming. A lie. A cloud had descended and covered my sins and hidden my face and blinded my eyes. Only there, would I find silence. Protected from the flashes of memories, the laughter, her smile, her eyes that haunted me. Protected from that night. The driving, the crash, the wails and the night my life ended. If I lived in the haze of the cloud, I'd forget. Everything would fade.

That was why I'd been doing chores around the house. Anything to keep busy. I spread mulch and pulled early weeds in Mom's garden. I didn't like to be around people. I carried a secret so big that if people neared me, they sensed it. They either moved away or they drew close and nosed around with questions as if they cared and wanted to help. But I didn't want help. This pain I carried, this secret that burdened me, was mine to bear.

Graduation slipped by but none of that mattered. I couldn't go, not after the night before. Playing soccer at college turned into a thing of the past. I refused to play, and I didn't miss it. Not when I was still alive and breathing. I had a blessing I didn't deserve.

I dug my fingers down below the mulch into the moist soil. It was in work that I forgot. It was here that I found comfort. The earth knew. The flowers died every spring just to grow again the next year. They were silent and didn't share their secrets. I never told Carter, but he put the pieces together in the past few days and an awkwardness—a big, gaping black hole—separated us. He didn't know what to say to fill the gap, and I had nothing to say to ease his discomfort.

Carly had stopped by. She tried to make me see that it was an accident, that it wasn't my fault, that it wasn't Haley's fault. It was fate. I called bullshit on her, because I knew a tiny part of her felt responsible too, even though I'd made it impossible for her to stop me that night. I told her to leave this town, leave it behind and go start fresh somewhere. To forget. To move on.

I once had seen that in my future with Haley. But all I saw now was white space, endless and drifting. There was no mountain to climb or goal to conquer and cross off my list. I floated through time and it let me wander. That was when I got back to work. But with every weed I pulled, the what-if questions screamed through my head, and I desperately wished to go back and change the events that happened. Not for me. Not for selfish reasons. But for Kama and Brin and their families. And for Haley, so she didn't have to live with this loss.

I kept working, trying to go numb.

I was lost in these kinds of thoughts as I had been lately. I was in that place when I heard the crunch of gravel in the driveway. I sucked in a breath, praying it wasn't Haley.

I glanced back to see her brother, Noah. I wiped the dirt off my hands and got off my knees. He drew close to me, the grief rolling off in suffocating waves. I'd known him for years. The regret that he couldn't protect his sister from pain must be killing him. And it was my fault. He must hate me.

"Why?" he asked.

I felt a sudden pang of fear that he knew. That it was my fault two classmates were dead and that Haley was doomed to live a life filled with grief and survivor's guilt. But then I was such a chicken shit. I should've gone to the police right away. But as each day passed it was easier to live with this burden of guilt for that was punishment. To walk through life but not really live and not feel the joys of life was harder than sitting in a cell. Or I truly was a coward and couldn't face the pain I'd see in Haley's eyes when she learned the truth. I couldn't bear to see her love turn to hate.

I finally answered Noah. "Why what?" My voice was like a croak, my throat dry from lack of talking and living.

"Why have you left her when she needs you the most?" he asked.

I studied him. He stared at my handiwork, without seeing. I saw glimpses of Haley in his eyes and expressions of pain, but he was able to keep his emotions more carefully guarded than her. I wanted to answer but words escaped me. Anything I said wouldn't make sense. But I tried.

"She needs her family right now. I don't want to be in the way." It was a lame answer and each word out of my mouth screamed I was a hypocrite.

He turned, the rage palpable in his eyes and in the hard lines of his jaw and tense shoulders. The muscles rippled in his arm, and I thought he'd punch me. I'd welcome it. Instead, his words floated like a whisper on a breeze.

"She needs you."

I shrugged and stated the truth. "I can't be there for her. I'm not the one she needs, and I can't bring back her friends."

Finally, he pushed my shoulder. "Don't you get it? She's not only grieving them, but you! She's loved you for years. She planned on spending her life with."

His next shove was harder, and I fell back on the gravel walkway. Sharp stones pierced the skin on my hand. Inside, my heart cracked. I couldn't say the words that beat with every breath. I knew she needed me. Dammit. But she needed the me from last week before this all happened. Before the accident. But that Seth, that boyfriend was gone, vaporized in one careless night. With her, I couldn't lie. She'd know. And she'd keep asking and asking and asking until I was forced to tell the truth, or we'd slowly drift apart. Either way she'd be hurt worse than right now. Better to make a clean break than draw it out.

Disappointment shone in Noah's eyes. Like he was here on her behalf to find the truth, so he could make sense of his sister's grief. But he wouldn't find answers with me. I wasn't her magical cure. I never would be. I was poison.

His face turned grim, set in stone, a mask replacing the hurt and the hope. His words spit out. "I don't know what the hell your problem is but you can't just leave it like this. You have to talk to her."

He reacted to my stubborn stance, because in three seconds he closed the gap between us and yanked me to my feet. I waited for the blow, hoping for it. Any pain would be a distraction and just punishment.

"I just dropped her off at the bluff. I'm going to let her have some space and then bring her some hot chocolate. In about thirty minutes, you will call my cell and ask for Haley to stop by. I don't care if you have to lie out your ass but if you can't be there for her, you need to break it off with her."

I nodded. I didn't want to see her, but I would.

"You have to decide. You can't leave her hanging like this."

"I understand."

He loosened his grip and stepped away, his face twisted in confusion. "I thought you loved her."

"Life happens." I left him no argument.

"Thirty minutes, Seth."

I saluted and got back to work even though he wanted answers.

My legs dangled over the edge of Raker's bluff. The dull gray cloudless sky reflected the way I felt inside. A slight breeze chilled me, so I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. How had everything gone so wrong? I couldn't even begin to figure that out.

My mouth was dry, and I wished I'd brought water. I needed to talk to Brin and Kama but their names stuck in my throat. I would never get an answer. And that tore at my insides. I dropped my forehead to my knees and stayed that way, rocking back and forth. The words and emotions bumbled about in my chest but all I could see was Kama's curly hair creating a halo around her face. Brin's knowing smile. I knew everything about her, and she knew everything about me. It was so rare to have that kind of friend and I wasn't sure I'd ever find it again. How could I be so selfish?

I lifted my head and gazed across the expanse of the ocean. "I'm sorry." I croaked. Those were the only words I managed. Time passed and my butt numbed from sitting on the ground. I shivered. Without the sun, time never began, never ended.

Wheels crunched on the gravel. I glanced back. Noah. Out of everyone, I was glad to see him, because he understood.

He laid a blanket over my shoulder, and this simple act flooded my eyes with tears. Then he handed me a thermos of hot chocolate.

"From Mom," he said.

He climbed over the guardrail and sat next to me, his arm wrapped around my shoulder. I dropped my head against him and closed my eyes. He stayed quiet. No words of comfort or distraction. I'd never been so appreciative of my brother.

Finally he spoke, his words soft, like a soothing gel on a gash. "You don't have to say goodbye yet. Take your time and say it when you're ready. Don't force it."

I thought about the last few years. He attended a community college, stuck at home with his parents and younger sister. I didn't remember doing anything to support him. I sipped the hot cocoa. The liquid left a burning trail through my chest. I wanted to stay sheltered here forever.

"Does it ever go away?" I asked. "The pain. The memories."

"Haley," his voice cracked, "I wish I had an answer for you. I promise to be there for you as long as it takes. I'll be your friend."

It was my turn to be honest. Thoughts had been running through my head since I left the hospital. I hadn't talked to my parents or the grief counselor because they'd try and talk me out of it. Or assign me to another year of counseling. I'd heard enough of the stages of grief. I needed time away.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't want it to go away." His eyebrows rose and that was the only indication he'd heard me. "I don't want to forget the pain. I want to feel it every day of my life." I pounded my chest and the words ripped from my throat. "They have no bright future because of me. I stole that from them. And if the pain goes away, then I might forget. And that can never happen."

"That's dangerous ground, Haley." He squeezed me closer. "I'm only going to say it once. Deep down, you know, they wouldn't want that for you. They'd want to be remembered, but they wouldn't want you to feel the guilt for the rest of your life. You need to live for them."

His words bounced off me. This ageless wisdom couldn't sink through the wall I'd put around my heart. I needed the constant reminder, the guilt. I clung to it desperately. That I drove carelessly and put them in danger and ended their life within seconds. I needed that with me, every day, every breath. Every heartbeat. But I didn't share that. I kept it tucked away inside. My secret, buried deep.

His phone buzzed. He tucked the blanket around me and walked away with a finger in his ear to hear above the wind. He returned a few minutes later, his face grim. I panicked.

"It was Seth." He lowered his voice. "He wants me to drop you off at his house."

"No." The word spit out of my mouth. Then I gazed back out at the ocean, rocking.

"Haley." He paused, probably hoping I'd make the right decision before he had to lecture me.

I cut him a break. After all, he'd brought me hot cocoa. "Fine." I'd go talk to him only because I knew I needed to.

Noah drove me back to our town, but I hated being stuck inside this small car with all the doors still attached. I closed my eyes and gripped the armrest, trying to fight down the panic and the rush of memories.

He patted my knee. "We'll be there soon. Hold on."

But I was stuck. My heart beat a thousand miles every second. I was going to see Seth and I had no idea what to expect or what he wanted. All I knew was I missed him. In the span of a few days I went from worrying about his life, to not seeing him at all, to wondering what to do with the stranglehold on my emotions.

Noah pulled into the driveway. Their small cape brought back so many memories. I'd been there so many times. For pizza night and a movie. For Sunday family dinners. Just to hang out after school. His parents had accepted me as part of their family. This was different. I felt like I was about to enter for the first time. Nervous at what they were thinking about me. Any respect they had for me probably died that night.

I gripped Noah's arm. "I can't do this." The judgmental look in their eyes, the pity. In fact, I couldn't bear to face anyone again.

He pried my hand off his arm. "Yes, you can. You can do this."

I studied him. His brown hair was the same exact color of mine. His eyes were the same greenish brown and I'd heard from multiple people that our social mannerisms were similar. If he were a few years younger we could be twins.

"Do you want me to wait for you?"

I glanced at the house. "No thanks. I'm hoping this will take longer than a few seconds. Seth can always bring me home."

"Okay. Call me if you need to." He practically pushed me out the door. "Go. No regrets."

"No regrets," I muttered and shut the door.

He pulled away, and I stood watching his taillights until they disappeared around the corner. I took some deep breaths and debated if I should run away or go knock on the door. But then the door opened, and I lost my chance.

I froze. Seth leaned against the doorframe, his hands shoved in his pockets. His face paled and he looked thinner. The happy-go-lucky glow was gone. I sucked in a quick breath. What had he been thinking these past few days? What did he think about me?

He stepped down, but my feet felt like they were stuck in mud.

He shuffled down the drive. I wanted to rush into his arms and sink into him but his hands were still in his pocket and he made no move to comfort or hold me. As with everything else in my life, our relationship had changed. I could feel it with every beat of my heart.

He pulled his hand out and his keys jangled. "Wanna go for a ride?"

"Not really. Unless you're driving me home."

Understanding crossed his face. "Sorry. That was pretty insensitive of me. Want to go for a walk?"

"Sure."

We started down the road, a thick, invisible wall separating us. He didn't invite me in, and I couldn't help but think it was because he couldn't stand to be around me. This wasn't about sex anymore. It might've been. But now he probably could only see me as the girl who killed her friends. I deserved his contempt and judgment.

"So," he said.

I thought about what my brother said. No regrets. "Why didn't you visit me in the hospital?"

He slowed and kicked at the stones on the sidewalk. "I wanted to," he hesitated, "but you weren't allowed visitors."

There was more to it. Hiding in the shadows of his dark expression and in between his words, he was hurting. But I couldn't be there for him. I couldn't support him or hold his hand. I wanted to tell him how scared I was, how I was so glad he was alive, that I didn't lose him too. But the words stay pushed down and strangled.

"Oh," I said. It hurt that he didn't try a little bit harder. "How was graduation?"

"I didn't go," he said.

His accusations came back to me from that night. He thought I couldn't take anything seriously, that I joked too much. Behind his accusations, he wondered if I was serious enough for a future with him. Last week, I was. I worried he didn't want one with me. That night in Justine's backyard I realized how much we hadn't communicated. We took our relationship for granted. I saw that now. Too little, too late. I didn't even think about Carly. Maybe he was off making out with her while I was trapped under a pile of twisted metal. I didn't want to ask, and he didn't offer.

"Do you need a ride tomorrow?" His words were stilted like he was offering because he had to not because he wanted to.

"Nope."

He stayed silent. Not that I needed to explain because I didn't. But he wasn't the first one to say nothing. No one convinced me to go to the memorial service, because they knew how insulting it would be for me to show up. How would Brin's mom feel about me? What about Kama's parents? I'd refused to return their calls. I couldn't bear to see the judgment in their eyes, the blame all directed at me. I couldn't do that to them on a day that was for them to grieve and say goodbye. I wasn't ready to say goodbye. I didn't think I ever would be.

The sudden need to be at home with my parents, on my faded living room couch surged through me. Being with Seth hurt. I didn't think I could hurt any more, that nothing could squeeze past the numbness. But to stand next to the boy I'd loved for years and not touch him, and sense him pulling away, tore my heart into tiny pieces.

"Can you take me home?" I asked, breathless.

"Sure."

And just like that we headed back to my house. I leaned against his mom's minivan while he ran in to tell his parents. How many times had we left his house and gone for a drive to spend time alone? Too many to count. I remembered when he got his license and the first time he picked me up for a date. Our parents made a big deal about it even though we were only going to the movies. He brought a pink carnation, probably picked up from the grocery store. I didn't care. I hung it upside down and let it dry. It used to be pinned to my board. Hopefully Mom had taken care of that.

In this moment everything became clear. I couldn't live here. I couldn't go to college. I squeezed my eyes shut, thinking about Kama's dreams for Broadway that would never be realized. I thought about Brin's mom and how this could push her over the edge. I'd caused so much pain.

We drove back in silence. I noticed the new-car smell and inhaled, glad for the lack of memories. "New van?"

"Uh-huh." He gripped the wheel and stared at the road. He had more to say, but he held back, and I didn't blame him. He probably couldn't wait to drop me off and cut me loose. In fact, I'd do it for him. We pulled into the driveway and sat there for a couple minutes. Normally we'd have been making out.

"I think we should take a break. I need time," I said. I needed forever.

He studied me, and I soaked him in. I took in his black hair and dark blue eyes. The face that I'd kissed so many times. The shoulder I'd leaned on over and over. I wasn't sure how I'd move forward without him.

"Okay." His voice sounded husky, but he cleared his throat. "If that's what you need."

I was aghast. He didn't even try to fight for me. Tears rushed and each breath got tangled up with confusion inside. I fumbled with the door.

He touched me for the first time, and my tears flowed faster. "Haley?"

"Sorry, Seth." I slammed the door and raced up the walkway to my house, and I didn't look back once. I couldn't. If I did, it'd be all over. I rushed past my parents and sprinted up the stairs to my room and closed the door. I threw myself onto my bed and pulled the pillow over my head, drowning out everything.

"Haley?" Mom knocked on the door.

"Go away! I just want to be alone."

"Okay. We're here for you." And she left.

I stayed on my bed well into the afternoon and eventually fell asleep.

I dropped off Haley and barely made it back to the house. Saying goodbye to her was harder than I thought. I almost told her everything. The one thing holding me back was that my words and my story wouldn't bring her healing. They'd hurt worse than she could ever imagine. She broke up with me because I abandoned her when she needed me most.

I got it.

I walked inside to find Dad at home. I guessed he felt like popping in for a visit. We'd barely talked since that night. But Mom and Dad were in the living room again, and I sensed it was to talk to me. Whatever they were hoping for, whatever their plans were to coerce me back to the land of the living wouldn't work.

As I predicted, minutes later, I was sitting across from them. Unlike the last time, I wasn't nervous. Their words had no power over me anymore.

"We're concerned for you, son." Dad had the gall to place his hand on Mom's shoulder as if to show they were a team.

"I'll be okay." I searched for the rage that burned me up that night but it was broken into pieces and lost between the layers of guilt, fear, and hurt. Sometimes bigger truths overpowered ones that I used to feel. Truth could always be worse.

Mom spoke, her voice wavering. "We're so sorry about everything." She glanced up at my dad then back at me. "But we're concerned that pulling away from everyone, even Haley, isn't the answer. You need her right now, and I'm sure she needs you."

I scoffed. If only they knew. "Come on, out of everyone, you two have to understand that some mistakes you can't fix. Not like a minivan." I'd told my parents that while we were in the pizza place, a driver had backed into the van and then driven off. They'd had no choice but to believe me even though my lies were obvious.

Mom blushed and Dad pulled his hand away. "We're going to be working on that. I meant it when I said this wasn't permanent. But sometimes for people to come to grips with their mistakes, they need time apart. Time to heal and forgive before they can find their way again."

More than one sarcastic reply lay at the ready. I said, "What if there are some mistakes that time won't heal?" My voice cracked. "That can't be forgiven."

Mom smiled, her eyes reflecting the pain and guilt I felt because she felt them too. "No mistake is too big to be forgiven when you love someone."

I didn't believe her. They might think that and hope their relationship could be mended but it wouldn't be the same. The scars would remain. Some mistakes were too big. They swallowed a person and spit him out in pieces. I'd come to a decision and they wouldn't like it. But today was obviously the day for break ups and pulling away.

"I'm not going to college next fall."

"Seth?" Dad was stern, his shoulders tensed and his fingers gripped the chair. I prepared for a lecture.

"You can force me to go but I'll be wasting money. My heart isn't in it anymore, and I'll spin my wheels and probably flunk out. Like you said, I need time."

Mom gave Dad a warning look that said to roll with it or they'd lose me forever. "You're welcome to stay here as long as you want."

"I won't stay here. In fact, I plan on leaving this week. You two can take the time you need without me in the way."

"You'll never be in the way," they said together.

Tense silence filled the room, and Dad broke it first. "Where will you go?"

I pondered this. I hadn't fully thought out the plan. "I'll figure it out and let you know." I stood. "Is that all?"

They paused, worry etching their faces, their lips pressed together. They wanted to say more but they could see it in my face and hear it in my voice. I'd made my decision. Finally, they nodded.

Up in my room, I sank down on my bed. The tears that came so easily had dried up. A steely resignation had taken their place. I'd move on, find a different life, and spend every day making up for my sins.

I pulled out my duffel bag and started packing.

I woke later feeling groggy, and my head pounded behind my eyes. I felt like I slept a week but my clock read 7:00 p.m. I wished to sink back into my pillow, but I grabbed a sweatshirt, Seth's, and pulled it up over my nose. I breathed deep and smelled him. Eventually, day by day, the sweatshirt would lose his scent. I pushed it away and grabbed one of mine.

The corkboard was still up on my wall and plastered with all my memories. They stared back with their bright, happy colors. The faded pieces of paper laughed at me, their curling edges already hiding the memories. The ticket stubs, the photos, the written messages on scraps of paper all blurred together.

I left the room.

I didn't go back for the rest of the night. My room was more like a museum. I understood Mom thought I was making a rash decision, but I wasn't. It was hard to stay in the room with the echo of voices of everything I'd lost. I ate a quick dinner with my family and we watched a movie. I could be normal. Do normal stuff. When I saw their frown lines smooth out a bit and their secret smiles when they thought I wasn't looking, I felt a sliver of happiness. Giving washed away some of the bad stuff rotting, festering on the insides.

Halfway through the movie, someone knocked at the door. I had no idea who was here or why. I swallowed down a lump as I realized this was something Brin did on a regular basis. My parents got used to it. When her mom was gone or being a mean drunk, she'd crash here. But no more.

I heard it again.

Dad threw off the blanket covering him and mom. "Are you home or not?"

He was so sure it was for me. I nodded. "Home." Why the hell not?

He opened the door and their voices stayed muffled until he opened it further. Justine stuck her head into the hallway and her body followed. She glanced around, taking in our humble abode, and then found me. She sucked in a breath. God, I must've looked like crap for her to respond like that.

"Hi, Haley." She gave a small wave and moved to the brink of our living room. "Um, can we talk?"

Mom patted my leg. "Go ahead, hon. We can finish this up tomorrow." Mom was just happy for me to have social interaction. A strange creeper could come to the door and ask to take me out, and Mom would push me out the door.

I followed Justine outside, and we sat on the steps. Cars passed by at the slower speed limit, knowing this was a neighborhood with small children. They were being careful, responsible drivers. The words from Driver's Ed came back to me.  _When it's raining, drive at least five miles below the speed limit. Patches of water cause hydroplaning._  Or it went something like that. I'd go back in and add to it, "so no one tries to speed through the rain to find their boyfriend who is driving drunk."

Justine stayed quiet. I was happy to not say anything. She'd talk when ready. Her foot tapped on the cement step and her finger stuck in her hair, twirling it around her finger. She was nervous but I couldn't imagine why. Finally, she cleared her throat and clasped her hands. I braced myself.

"My parents wanted me to attend Harvard, Dartmouth, Yale, one of those big schools. My dad wants me to follow in his shoes and enter the family business." She paused and her knuckles were turning white. "But what I've never told him is that I don't want to. And lately he finally had to admit that my grades or my GPA wouldn't cut it. No matter how many strings he could pull with those schools, I'm just not smart enough."

She puffed her cheeks, then let out a whoosh of air. For the first time in a long time, I was distracted. It was nice to listen to someone else's problems instead of them waiting to hear about mine with that sad smile that said they understood. When really, they were just thankful it hadn't happened to them.

"What my dad doesn't like to admit is that I have an uncle who lives a couple towns over. He's the complete rebel of the family, and he loves what he does. No regrets. He runs a seaside inn and diner. While I figure out what I want to do, my dad is letting me live and work for my uncle, starting next week."

"Wow, that's great," I said. And meant it.

Not what I expected but sounded like a plan. Her words, no regrets, stuck with me. Second time I'd heard them. First from Noah, and now from her. But I still wasn't sure why she came all this way at this time of night to clue me in on her plans for the fall. Sure, it was a surprise. Justine was a dead ringer for Ivy League. Or maybe I'd misjudged her and assumed too much based on their mansion of a house.

Justine played with her fingernails. Nervous again. I waited, curious.

"I was thinking." She gave me a sideways glance. "Considering everything that's happened, I thought you might feel a little lost, that you might want, I mean—"

"Spit it out, Justine." I smiled to reassure her I wasn't going to beat her up or anything.

She shifted her body on the step and for the first time I noticed the gentleness in her hazel eyes and the smattering of freckles across her nose and cheeks. "Would you like to do it with me?"

"Huh?" I was confused.

"I talked to my uncle and there's a second opening. You'd have room and board, subtracted from your pay, of course." She smiled shyly. "I figured it might be good to, you know, to get away. But it's not too far away so if you wanted to come home..."

I hadn't even thought about college, but I needed to. My plans had been all about Seth and I. The idea of college faded and slipped into the fog. I didn't want to waste my parents' money, and I refused to live out dreams. Without them. Without Kama and Brin.

"Definitely. I'll do it."

"What about your parents? Don't you want to talk to them?" she asked.

"I will, but this is my decision." I'd go in and talk to them right away. They'd understand and support me. I needed to get away from this place and this was perfect. Escape. Be on my own.

We said goodbye, and I promised to call her the next day. But in my mind it was already settled.

Though my parents were a bit skeptical about the plan, they said yes. Their eyes and body language revealed their fears that I might not make it through this disaster my life had become. They wanted me to go to college, but more than that, they wanted me happy. So they said for now, for this coming fall, and the next year, this might be good for me.

I stood in front of my corkboard. The memories screamed of my time with Brin and Kama. I found a box in the attic and piece-by-piece, I took down my life with them and placed it in the box. I started slowly and carefully, not wanting to rip a play program or bend a photo. But I had a lot up here and it needled the edges of my heart. I moved faster, trying not to see the memories. The last quarter of the board, I tore down and threw into the box. I wasn't looking, not remembering. The last photo fluttered to the floor, and I slammed the tops of the box down and duct taped it closed. Maybe I'd be able to deal with them when I was an old lady.

I placed the box in the back of my closet and closed the door and then flopped onto my bed. A week until I'd leave this part of my life. Justine was moving in and waitressing for her uncle in a couple days.

I'd start clean in a place where no one would know me or know what happened. And I wouldn't tell a soul. A fresh start. It could happen. Right?

Real life calls to me every day, a siren blasting.

The laughter of a couple in love and hanging all over each other. The old couple shuffling in, the joys and heartaches of life etched on their faces with every line and wrinkle. The fisherman who orders his morning cup of joe before heading out for a day at sea, a joy shining in his eyes from doing something he loves.

But I'm safe. I get lost in the clinking of plates, the shouts of orders, and the smells of breakfast. I'm a waitress and it's all I've known for the past year.

The Seaside Inn booms with business. Must be the start of the summer crowd. Justine and I haven't had a chance to take a break since we opened the doors this morning. The sun streams through the front windows and even though the air outside is still crisp and cool, summer's coming. Inside, the smell of bacon floats from the kitchen.

I carry two empty plates to the counter, balanced on one arm. Justine loads up her arms with plates of scrambled eggs and bacon, and pancakes while carrying three mugs of coffee. I tried that juggling act once and when I broke mugs and sent a flood of coffee across the floor, Justine's Uncle Tom said it was okay to carry less.

The dirty plates clatter into the tub, even though I try to set them down gently. "When's your uncle going to hire the summer help?"

Justine's hair frizzes out, and the pencil behind her ear suffers from what looks like a poodle attack. I've told her that customers don't care to see her teeth marks as she takes their order, but she consistently brings in higher tips than me.

"Soon! I hope." She heads to her table but stops and sticks out her hip. "Hey, Hales? Will you tuck an extra salt in my pocket?"

I grab an extra salt and do as she asks. Customers frown into their empty coffee mugs. "I'll make the next coffee round."

"Great, thanks." A question flickers across her face. "You got the invite last week, right?"

My heart stutters, but I nod and then hurry away with the coffeepots, one caffeinated and one decaf. I didn't answer but I'm not sure she expected me to. Of course I got my mail last week. She knows that. Her Uncle Tom has dropped it by our doors every day since we moved in last summer. But she's talking about one certain piece of mail that we both received. It's a plain white envelope, my name written with a black ink pen, the corner a bit crunched from when I almost tore it in two. Instead, I placed it in the very farthest back corner of my nightstand drawer, and that's where it will stay.

A regular motions to me from the corner table. He has a wave of salt and pepper hair that flops across his forehead. He always has a smile and a nice tip, so I imagine that he hasn't received any mail that threatens to bring down the nice, safe wall he's built around his heart.

I hurry over with the coffee and hit all the tables. I'm distracted this morning and can feel my tips slipping away every time customers catch me frowning. I plaster on a smile and force myself to be more chipper. The morning hours pass and by the time the short hand creeps toward the twelve, I'm ready to crash.

The door opens and a draft of cooler air rushes through as another flood of customers enter. I sigh, grab some menus and greet them with a smile.

Then I see him. My hearts hammers and I force air in and out of my chest. Time stops, like we said our goodbyes just a few days ago when really it's been almost a year. He looks the same but different. Shadows haunt his face and the bright part of his blue eyes that used to light up my heart seem faded, like they need a good polish.

He steps closer. My heart hurts and a lump forms in my throat. Emotions I've locked away push at the edges.

"Hi, Hales."

Two simple words and I almost come undone. I seem to have lost my ability to speak and move as I stand there taking him in. His black hair hangs a little over his ears and his eyes draw me in just like before. But there are little changes too. His face is pale. Tattoos swirl around the top of his arm. Truth invades and real life comes crashing in. My knees shake, and I sway a bit.

"Are you okay?" He holds out a hand to steady me.

I jerk away like I touched a live socket. I can't go back. The memories are too strong. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, the past is stronger, and mistakes make love impossible.

A girl with blonde hair flounces in with a bright sparkle to her eyes. She hooks her arm through Seth's and gives me a suspicious look. "Who's this?" she asks.

"An old friend," Seth says without taking his eyes off me. I see forever in his eyes and it squeezes my chest.

I tear my gaze away from him and study her. Adoration simmers off of her. She loves him or is close to it. Jealousy floods my heart. The happy times they probably spent together in the past year, the smiles, the touches, the laughter. The kisses, gentle and sweet, that used to be mine. I want to grab a butter knife and cut the smile off her face.

I close my eyes and swallow. I have no claim over Seth. Of course he's moved on. Over the past year I've thought about him off and on but never saw him with another girl. Someone to replace me. Tears prick my eyes and that pisses me off. I gesture to the seating area.

"Find a seat." But my voice comes out hoarse and the pressure chokes me. I need fresh air. I can't breathe, and I need to be alone.

By this time, Justine notices and rushes over. She grabs my arm. "Go take a break out back. I'll cover this."

Then she hugs Seth and shakes hands with his girlfriend. She takes over as if I was never there. I stumble through the kitchen and out into the back with the dumpster. I sag against the brick wall and force breaths in and out. The vent hisses nearby with steam from the laundry. I slump down and fold my head into the crook of my arms. The numbness washes over me. The same lack of feeling I've had for the past year. I'm not sure how long I've sat there until the gravel crunches.

I whip my head up. A ping of disappointment that Seth didn't find me is soon replaced with a flood of relief. "Hi, there."

Tate, my boyfriend, my normal, stands a few feet away. I see my confidence in his strong arms, and my sanity in his rock-solid smile that he saves just for me, and my safety in the memories of us lurking in his brown eyes. He walks over and sits next to me. I lean into his hug and let him hold me. He doesn't ask any questions. He knows my past because he went to high school with Noah, but we never talk about it. He knows it's off limits. We had one fight, and he knows now that I'll cut him from my life like a cancer if he pushes me to talk. But he always knows when I need someone. He's always there. Like now. It's uncanny. He kisses the top of my head and rubs my arms without saying anything.

Tate and I are more like dating friends. I rarely initiate a heartfelt kiss, never mind going any further. But it's not enough. Not now.

I need to forget, and I push his arm away. I straddle on top of him, my skirt pushing up around my waist. If anyone turned the corner or if Tom came back to empty the trash, I'll look like some sort of slut. But I don't care. I kiss him and run my fingers through his light brown hair. His arms go to my side and the small of my back. This is nice. Kissing Tate is nice. It's not like kissing Seth, which caused all sorts of feelings to go haywire inside me. Dammit. I don't want to think about him while kissing another boy. I focus on Tate. The scar above his left eye, the soft feel of his hair, and how he's been the one bright spot in my life this past year. I stayed afloat because of him and owe him so much.

His breath hitches. "Haley," he whispers. "You know I'd do anything for you, but is this really what you want?"

My smile feels like a crack in plaster. I knew this would happen. He always ends our kisses, keeping our relationship almost platonic. I don't question it. He's being sensitive to me, but I'm not in the mood to deal with his stuffiness. I drop small kisses along his neck and his breathing quickens. "Do you really care where we are?"

He groans, and I laugh. This time it's real. Tate's good for me. I pull his hand down to my butt and push against him, eliciting another groan of pleasure.

"Haley," he says, voice raspy.

The door slams. I jump off Tate and smooth my skirt down.

It's Seth. He nods to Tate in recognition.

But his eyes. One second they flash pain then glaze over like he doesn't care. He folds his arms across his chest, and I can't help but admire the lean strength of his chest and body. I ache for him, and emotions stir in my heart that has been numb for so long. He looks more like a man than the high school boy I remember, and I don't like the increase of my pulse. He notices me and stares not with judgment but with question. Heat burns my face, and I feel like a hooker on some sort of street corner. I can't help my knee jerk reaction.

"What the hell? Are you that hard up you have to spy on a girl kissing her boyfriend?" I cringe at the bitterness that creeps into my tone and words. I didn't realize those feelings were there, laying dormant under the nice, numb surface I've created.

Tate raises an eyebrow, but I glare at him. He stays out of it.

Seth puts his hands up, palms out. "Sorry. I was hunting down more coffee. I didn't realize this was a full service restaurant."

I gasp. His underlying insult feels like a slap. Tate jumps to his feet and stands next to me, ready to protect me. He's a little shorter than Seth but has more muscle. I put a hand on his arm letting him know I've got this. I bite my tongue, refusing to play Seth's game. Instead, I stare him down, drawing upon my ability to freeze out emotion and feel nothing. I've had a year to become an expert.

He reacts and steps back. His fury is evident by the way he whirls around, goes back the way he came and lets the back door of the restaurant slam behind him.

A resounding ache flashes through my chest.

Tate reaches for my hand and squeezes. "Haley." His voice is soft but determined.

I pull my hand away. "I don't want to talk about it."

He runs his hand through his hair, then lets his arm drop. This is a motion I've grown accustomed to in the past six months. Frustration with my unwillingness to delve into certain topics.

"You can't run forever. You can't run from him forever."

I change my tactic and walk my fingers up his arm. I lower my voice. "Why not?"

He grabs my hand and pulls it off of him. His eyes close, and he takes a breath. "I'm sorry, Haley. I can't be this for you. Not right now. Not unless you're ready to deal with things."

I know what he means by things, and I can't believe he's saying this. "What? Just because my past struts back into town? That's not my fault. I don't want him here. I want you."

The truth in his eyes chases away my confidence. The one problem with dating someone who knows your past: I can lie to him all I want, but I'm not sure he's ever believed me when it came to Seth. I tell him and myself that it was a high school fling and one I don't care about anymore.

He draws me into a hug. "I care about you too much. I don't know how much more I can handle this. You can't live in this void forever."

My voice sounds muffled against his chest. "You're breaking up with me?"

He sighs. "Technically, no. But, I won't be here forever. You need to decide." He kisses my cheek. "Take a few days and then we'll talk."

I panic.

He squeezes my hand and taps the phone in his back pocket. "I'm here for you. For now. Just call." Then he leaves.

I storm back into the restaurant. I lost my boyfriend because Seth caught us kissing? Give me a break.

Katie is at my back, asking questions. "Who is she? Why are you mad?" She won't stop but I don't answer any of them. I can't. Words have left me. I thought for sure that after a year of not seeing her, of trying not to think about her, that she wouldn't still have this effect on me. The vow I made to her in sixth grade that I was going to marry her, rooted in my heart and won't let go. But then that night returns all over again, and the reason I can't be with her.

Because if she ever learned the truth, she'd hate me forever.

I walk out through the front and let this door slam too.

"I thought I was applying for a job here?" Katie tugs at my sleeve.

"No way." I take her arm and stride past all the other beach stores and inns. I don't look. Jamie, Carter and I, the whole gang, used to drive the strip and walk the shops. What used to hold sunshine memories and laughter, now holds a flood of sadness.

She has to run to keep up with me. "Are you sure your parents won't mind me staying with them? I'm sure I can find someplace else." Her voice trails off with uncertainty.

I stop in front of the arcade. Crude T-shirts hang from a string across the top of the gift shop. I grab Katie's shoulders and whirl her toward me. She's been the one constant in my life besides work on her dad's ranch this past year and my volunteer work. She's like the little sister I never had. She has to understand. "My parents wouldn't have said yes if they weren't completely on board with this. And trust me, you don't want to stay in my grandfather's old fishing cabin."

One of the biggest reasons Katie came back east with me was for the ocean. I swore to her dad, my dad's roommate from college, I'd take care of her. He gave me a place and work for the last year while I figured stuff out. He didn't ask any questions. A month ago, he pulled me inside and hugged me. With tears in his eyes, he called me his son and then told me he couldn't see me living like this without saying something. He saw my pain, the guilt. He told me I couldn't move on without tying up loose ends, without closure. And he sent me back home. I can't return until I've wiped away the haunting look in my eye. Then Katie begged to come with me.

"Are you going to stick around?" Her green eyes sparkle, and she tilts her head to the side and smiles, knowing I can't say no to her.

"For a little bit. I have unfinished business." As if Haley is unfinished business. The gaping hole in my chest for the last year is much more than crossing off my to-do list.

Katie skips ahead, then whirls around. "Something's going on with that girl back there. I know it."

"Yeah?" I smirk. "You think you're so smart?"

"Yup." She steps closer, her jaw set in determination. "And I'm going to figure it out too. So much makes sense now. Why you came running out to us like a hurt puppy. Why you've been so hard to get to know."

I glance sideways. Katie's a beautiful girl with her green eyes and blonde hair and fun personality. I'd fall for her in a heartbeat if my heart didn't belong to someone else. But in the past year my heart hasn't felt much, until today. Which reminds me of the whole reason I came back. We reach my car and jump in. My parents are expecting us.

We're humming down the road, the memories flashing by with each landmark. I ran out west. Haley ran to the ocean. I focus on Katie. "Where would you like to apply for jobs? I can take you around tomorrow."

She taps her fingers against the window, watching the sights with wide eyes. "Along the ocean."

"No way." I grip the steering wheel more firmly, thinking of all the guys cruising the beach for girls. "That's not always the best scene."

"You can't keep me in a box here. I'm seventeen, not twelve."

She's right. She's only two years younger than me but I feel years older. I promised her dad a summer back east. "Why the beach?"

"Seriously? You have to ask? I've wanted to see the ocean forever. And that reminds me. When can we go?"

I slow down and pull to the side of the road. "We can grab some hot chocolate and go now if you want."

She squeals in response.

I stop at a gas station, and we run in and buy hot chocolate, then head to the beach. It's easy to find parking this early in the season and soon we're walking in the sand. We left our shoes on the boardwalk. The tiny grains of sand slip between my toes, and I can't help but remember all the times Haley and I and the gang hung out here.

"Seth?" Katie asks.

"Hmm," I murmur.

"Where do you go when you get that look?"

"What look?" I ask.

"Do you think I'm blind? That sad, puppy dog one. Whenever you're quiet I know you've gone there to that place in your past. Whatever it is you're running away from. Or maybe it's that girl?"

She's so close to the truth. But I haven't talked to anyone about it. I can't admit something so terrible to people that respect me, because I'd lose them. I nudge her shoulder. "You're too smart. But some things are best left in the past."

She tags me. "You're it!" Then she takes off.

"Hey, no fair!" I nestle my cocoa in the sand and take off after her. We play tag and get dangerously close to the water sliding up onto the beach.

I tease her by rolling up my jeans and going in. She takes a step in and squeals. "It's freezing!"

"What'd you expect?" I laugh at her. "We're not in the Bahamas."

She runs and gives me a hug, jumping up and wrapping her legs around me.

"Whoa, what's that all about?" I ask, putting her down. I tuck her hair behind her ears. She's such a bright spot in my life, and for that I'll be forever grateful.

"Thanks for talking my dad into letting me come." She gazes out over the ocean and the endless skyline.

The dreams dance in her eyes. I remember a time when I was in that stage, brimming with enthusiasm for life and what the future held. And I swear I'll do anything so Katie never experiences what we went through and what we lost.

She turns, her eyes questioning. "What?" But then she rubs her arms. "You're right. It's cold here. I'm going to run to the car and grab a sweatshirt. I might even go buy a beach necklace to be official. I'll meet you at the car?"

I nod. Katie's good about that. She can pester me for answers but she gives me space too. I sit and ignore the water creeping up the shoreline toward my feet. I close my eyes and remember the frozen expression on Haley's face when she saw me. Like she saw a ghost. I wince. Then the pain that shuddered through her body. I sent her running into the arms of her boyfriend. Just that word grips my heart. She moved on. She found someone else. I wish she'd tell me how to do that so I could find peace too.

I sense her presence before I see her. I don't dare turn around or move. If I do, she might take off. I stay where I am and take deep breaths. Somehow I have to find the courage to follow through with this.

"Hi, Haley."

She sighs. "I guess some things don't change. You were one person I could never sneak up on."

The corners of my lips tug into a smile. One of the reasons I fell for Haley in elementary school was her pranks. She'd pull jokes on her teachers and on the meanest kids in school without blinking an eye. I knew right then she was the girl for me. It was her love for life. My throat tightens. I can't go back in time. It's too hard. Katie was right. I've been running.

She plops next to me but feels miles away. The silence doesn't feel awkward. It never was uncomfortable between us.

"Is he good to you?" I grimace against the memories of her pressing up against him.

"His name is Tate, and you know that. He graduated with Noah."

That's all she offers me—the basics I already knew. Not that I expected a detailed account of their relationship. "Does he make you happy?"

"Yes, he does." She pauses as if to choose her words carefully. "He's there for me."

I cringe.  _Unlike me_. "Listen, about that."

"No, Seth." Her face pales. "It's too late. As much as I want answers, I don't want to hear them now or right here."

"That's why I came back."

"I thought it was for your new girl to meet the fam," she shoots out.

A trace of jealousy tinges her words, and I don't correct her, but I feel something I haven't felt in a while. Something called hope. "It's not what you think."

"Uh-huh."

"Where do we go from here?" I ask, desperate to get this awkwardness over.

The breeze tosses her hair around and her lips shiver. Her brown hair is longer and trails down her back, teasing me to touch it. Drops of ketchup stain her work shirt, dangerously close to her chest, and she smells like a restaurant. I so want to kiss her and hold her close to me. Then I'd know her true feelings. I'd know within seconds if she still loved me. I move closer.

She senses my invasion of her space. Slowly, she turns, and I hold back a gasp at the pain in her eyes. Deep-set pain that haunts her face.

"Oh, my God, Hales." I run my hand down her arm and then graze her cheek. She tenses. I lean closer, waiting for her to bolt but she doesn't. The raw emotion pulses between us, drawing us together. I whisper my lips against hers. Her soft lips create a rush of memories. "Hales," I murmur. I kiss her not because I want to get in her pants but because I want to make her feel again. I want to feel again. I want her to feel my love and my pain too. She needs to know she isn't alone.

At first she holds back but when I touch her face, she responds. Her skin feels so soft that I groan. Her lips part and she gasps when our kiss deepens. I pull her to me and a tear clings on my eyelash. We pause in that position. We're both shaking. Our lips hungry for each other, for the familiar feel and taste. The emotion crashes in just as a rush of cold water hits our feet and moves up to our knees.

She gasps and pushes me away. The water is numbing but the needles of ice feel good. They distract. The ocean breeze whispers between us and a chill wraps around me.

Her voice chokes up. "What do you want from me?"

My voice is hoarse too. "We need to talk."

"Forget it." Her words are ice.

"We can go slow. Start slow."

Her body trembles and her eyes flash. "You can't just waltz into town, throw yourself at me and get what you want. Life doesn't work that way."

I study her face, the sadness in her eyes, her hunched shoulders. The truth hits me just as another wave does too, but we still don't move. From what I can tell, she feels guilty and refuses to move on with her life. My heart breaks. That's my job, not hers. I need to set her free to live her life, even if it means I get left behind.

"How about a date?" I ask tenderly and graze her cheek with my knuckles.

She laughs but it's a dry, brittle sound. "Seriously? A date?"

I take a chance and broach a painful subject. "What about this weekend? Are you going?"

She almost curls up on herself and whispers, "I'm not going."

"Give me a couple days."

"For what?" She brushes her hair back and shivers. Finally, she stands and moves away from the water. "I'm freezing!"

I stand and grab her hand. "Give me a couple days and I promise you'll want to open the invitation you probably shoved deep in a desk drawer. Give me that to prove that you should start living life again."

A spark of hope flashes in her eyes but quickly fades. "I can't do this."

"I'll swing by the restaurant."

"I won't be there."

And then she's gone. My body shakes violently, and I lean over with my hands on my knees. Shit. This is hard.

My feet are still numb from the ocean, so I stumble back into the restaurant. On my break, all I wanted was a peek at the stormy crashing surf that matched my insides. I didn't expect to meet Seth. I didn't expect to talk to him. Or kiss him. And a date? I mean, seriously. What was he thinking? I wrap my arms around myself and rub the goosebumps from my skin. I've missed him desperately and deeply, more than I ever realized.

An ache settles in my chest and for the first time in months I want to cry. But along with the ache comes the truth that this can't happen. That he and I can't exist in this world, at least not together. I made a promise. One I intend to keep.

I grab empty plates and mugs and carry them over to the counter. I slam them down a little too hard. The dishwasher keeps about his work, not caring if I break dishes. But Tom will care. This is his place, and he graciously gave me a place to stay and a job. I lean against the counter and take deep breaths, trying to stop the trembling, soaking in the familiar sounds. The chatter of the patrons, the clinking of dishes. But that laugh. That's new.

Seth's new girl leans against the counter, her bubbly smile plastered all over her face. Jealousy stabs at me but I push it away. What is she doing here? Does Seth know? I stride over and stand next to Justine who's talking with her while she cleans up. I cross my arms and study the girl.

Justine nudges me and whispers. "Hey, loosen up."

The girl smiles but behind the smile is knowledge, like she knows me. I take a step back. How much did Seth tell her?

She sticks out her hand. "I'm Katie."

"Nice to meet you," I mutter, then turn around without shaking her hand. It's rude but I'm shocked she knows me.

"Haley!" Justine calls me back. "Katie's starting work tomorrow morning. Can you train her? I'll be at the dentist."

"What?" My guard drops. I don't think I can be around little miss sunshine for a full shift.

"I'm sorry." She shrugs, her eyes pleading. "There's no one else."

"Fine." Then I make a decision. "Want to go out tonight? Hit the bars?"

"Huh?" Justine stops wiping off the counter. "Seriously?" A spark lights in her eyes. "You want to go out?"

"Yes."

While Justine and I talk about our plans, Katie says goodbye and slips out. I won't have to deal with her until tomorrow morning. Tonight? I can forget about everything. And screw Seth. If he's going to tell everyone my history then he can go to hell.

I have the afternoon off and spend it mindlessly listening to music and reading. My room is small, watermarks stain the ceiling, and the wallpaper is faded, but Tom puts all the money into the business and the main rooms of the inn. A tiny, musty room doesn't bother me. My gaze flicks to the desk drawer. I know what's inside the envelope, and I'm not going to open it. I don't want to see their names on the invitation to the memorial service. I might have run away, but I'm not blind. I see the buds on the trees and the chirping of baby birds. It's spring. My heart cracks wider with each passing day.

Seth seems to think he can change my mind. He can forget about it.

Justine knocks before opening the door and bouncing into my room. Her enthusiasm is addicting. She starts whipping clothes out of my closet.

"We have to look hot tonight."

"Why?" I ask dryly. I could care less. "I'm not interested in a one-night stand or snagging a date."

Justine blows air through her mouth. "Of course not. We're going out to party." She pulls out a little black number with strappy sandals.

"Too cold?" I say more than ask.

She throws a tiny black sweater at me to accompany the dress.

"Still too cold." But I dress anyway. I brush on some eyeliner and sparkly eye shadow and a little bit of gloss. Then I run my fingers through my hair. Part way through I have to sit on my bed as my stomach churns. This ritual of getting ready feels too familiar and my heart aches. I lean over, breathing heavily.

"Hey!" Justine asks. "You okay?" She sits on my bed and rubs my back.

She wants to say something, to ask how I'm doing. "I don't want to talk about it."

"At some point, you'll have to." She pulls away. "You can't keep living like this."

I stand and the heartache turns to anger. It swirls through my body whipping up my adrenaline. "Like what? I can't keep living like what?"

Her eyes flash. "Like a zombie! You work. You sleep. You shop. You live. But barely." She paces. "I offered this time away here, working with me, not to escape life forever, but to give you a chance to recover and deal. You can't stay in this place forever."

"Watch me." I grab my purse. "Ready?"

She sighs, and we leave for the bar. The Wave has been an old standard for years for the locals, and the few tourists that discover it. In high school, we tried more than once to buy alcohol with fake IDs, which usually didn't work. It's a nice, clean bar for a drinking establishment. The music rocks the joint, and a few people have stepped onto the measly dance floor. We scoff and take a seat at the bar. I order a spritzer and ignore the buzzing of my phone. I'd like to think it's Tate and that he changed his mind, but I pushed him too far. He'll wait for me to call him.

It buzzes again. A text from someone, and I'm guessing it's Seth. A year ago at this time I stared at my phone for hours, willing him to text, reach out to me. I stopped wishing and looking a long time ago.

"You can have a drink. It's okay," Justine slides off her barstool. "Let's dance."

"No thanks, but don't let me stop you." I sip my spritzer.

A familiar voice interrupts us. "Haley Sparks? Is that you?"

The voice needles me, and I grit my teeth. It's Carly. She wears the same forced smile that most people who know my history use with me. But she pushes past that and hugs me like I'm a long lost friend. I haven't seen her since that night. "It's been forever!" She pulls her very own bad boy to her side. Just a lucky guess given the ink running up and down his right arm and the lip ring. "This is Chad."

We nod hello. He scuffs the floor with his foot, sighs and searches the bar as if desperate for entertainment. She whispers in his ear, and he heads over to a table. Justine takes her cue and finds the dance floor. I wish I could order a rum and coke but order a root beer. Something stronger than a spritzer.

"So, Haley," Carly says, her voice breathless. Is she nervous?

I ignore her prompting, hearing the lecture in her words. What is up with everyone tonight? Somewhere in the heavens, someone deemed tonight, "Fix Haley" night and bug the hell out of her. My drink lands on the bar, but I don't take a sip. I trace my finger through the moisture forming on the outside.

"You're different," she says.

"You think?" My phone vibrates and out of habit I glance at it. Seth again. I plaster on a smile. "How've you been, Carly? You know we never really talked in high school. Oh, wait. But that could be because you wanted my boyfriend."

"Ouch."

I shrug. In my mind, she deserves it.

"Have you talked to Seth recently?" she asks, then bites on her lower lip.

I shake my head. "He took off after graduation."

"Oh." She fiddles with her purse. Again, that look of knowledge. Did Seth blab about me to everyone?

"Have you?" I ask.

She nods. "We've kept in touch."

I push my drink away without touching it. This night sucks.

She touches my arm. "Did you ever talk to him?"

"Of course, I did." I huff. Just not after that night, and then he took off.

She narrows her eyes. "Did you ever talk to him about that night?"

I try to say no, but the words refuse to come, and I'm left looking like a dying codfish, mouth open.

Her grip on my arm grows tighter. "Haley, you don't like me and probably never will, but you've got to talk to him. If he took off and never told you anything, there's so much you don't know."

Chad shows up next to Carly and whispers in her ear.

"Sure, babe." She kisses him then turns back to me. "Please. Give him a chance." Then she leaves.

The phone vibrates, and I pull it out. It's Seth. What was Carly talking about? There can't be too much more to the story. I was the story. Not too much to miss. Impulsively, I open his text.

**Seth:**  Where are you?

**Me:**  Out with Justine.

**Seth:**  What happened to our date?

**Me:**  What happened to us?

Seconds pass and Seth doesn't respond. Could Carly be right? Finally he texts back.

**Seth:**  Shit happens.

I decide not to tell him about Carly. If there's more I need to know, he'll tell me eventually. Or I'll ask him when I get up the courage.

**Seth:**  Still want to have our date?

**Me:**  Are you sure you want to do this? I'm not the same person you knew a year ago. I'm not the person you loved.

My chest constricts, and I fight the battle. A part of me wants to see him and another part wants to run far away. But this wouldn't be about Seth and me. This is about finding out what I don't know.

**Seth:**  I'm not running anymore. I'm not the same either. I'll never be the same again.

**Me:**  Fine. Where are you?

**Seth:**  I'm outside the bar.

I end the messaging. My first mistake was coming to The Wave. Of course, Seth would know to look here. I swallow the lump in my throat and find Justine. She'll understand.

I wait. The typical night beach crews stroll past. The skimpily dressed girls hang on their boyfriend's arms. They reek of alcohol. It isn't bad now but once summer hits, the boardwalk will be packed. Cigarette smoke drifts through the air, and I watch the doors. Thank God Katie overheard they were going out; after that, it wasn't too hard to find them.

My chest tightens, and I lose my breath when she walks out the door. She's more beautiful now than she was a year ago, if that's even possible. Her hand is in her hair twirling a lock around her finger. In this moment with no one looking, she's vulnerable. I want to wrap her in my arms and shield her from the truth. Instead, I'll be the one to shatter her heart in a thousand pieces.

She searches the sidewalk for me and eventually we lock eyes. She smoothes down her little black dress, then pulls out her phone. A moment later a text arrives.

**Haley** : I see that look in your eyes from here. Don't think you're getting any tonight.

I rub my fingers over the keys but don't respond. She's throwing out the jokes, but I know now that she was never really joking. That her pranks were her way of protecting herself and that's what she's doing now. Finally she crosses.

"Hi." I shove my hands in my pockets. If I don't, I'll end up touching her.

"Big plans tonight?" she asks.

I offer her my arm. "You bet. Let's go." She doesn't take it but chooses to walk beside me until we reach my car.

I know exactly where to go. It's not the same pool hall but it's pool. Something that connects us. We don't say much on the short drive down the strip. Haley watches the sights from the window and plays with the seat.

"Since when do you get nervous?"

She gives me a weak smile. "Shit happens."

I nod, not wanting to press her, and keep driving until we arrive. I open her door. She sneaks a glance at me, then crosses the street to the pool hall, leaving me to follow her. Conversation is stilted. I ask a question. She answers. Then it fizzles out and dies. She racks the balls up and breaks. We play, ball after ball, but she seems off. Finally in the middle of the second game, she places her stick against the wall.

"I guess this wasn't a good idea. You should probably take me home."

I see the layer of hurt in her eyes. Shit. I guess this was a bad idea. Too similar. I take her hand. "Give me another chance. We'll go someplace quiet."

Relief crosses her face and the tension leaves her body. "Please?"

I purchase two coffees at a Jiffy Mart, and we walk across the street to the beach. The one place in her life now she likes to be. This time we sit on a bench on the boardwalk. Darkness hides the water but the comforting crash of the waves can be heard. She doesn't even attempt small talk, so I share a little bit.

"I've been out west this past year living with my dad's roommate from college."

"Glad you could walk away so easily." Her words hint at bitterness.

I restrain from touching her. "It wasn't easy." Then I lean forward, overwhelmed with guilt. The sick feeling knots in the pit of my stomach and grows tighter with each passing second. It took weeks for this to fade away, but now it's back, full force. Why did I think I could follow through with this?

"Is that where you met Katie?"

I sit straighter. "How do you know her name?"

Haley shrugs. "She applied for a job at the Seaside Inn."

I laugh. "I should've known."

"What?" Haley asks, her voice sharp and suspicious.

"Katie is my dad's roommate's daughter. She's not my girlfriend, but when she asked about you yesterday and I wouldn't tell her anything, she took matters into her own hands."

"You didn't tell her about us, about me?" Her eyes question, flashing hope.

I can't help it. I reach out and touch her leg. "Hales, I would never do that. I haven't talked to anyone."

She stiffens at my touch, and her face saddens, but she seems relieved. "I haven't either."

We sit in comfortable silence, lost in our thoughts. I feel lost in a maze with the answers right nearby, with Haley right there, but I can't find her. I can't figure out what to say to make the hurt go away or to break my news to her gently.

"Is it so wrong?" she whispers. I almost don't hear her because the breeze whisks her words away.

I lean closer and graze my thumb across the top of her hand. She's close enough that I can smell her body lotion. Strawberries and cream. It's intoxicating. "What?"

"That we both ran away."

I trace her skin ever so gently. "Probably."

She sways close to me. Her mouth parts and her eyes gloss over. I lean close too. Our lips hover right next to each other but neither of us moves closer.

"How can this feel so right and be so wrong?" she asks in a moment of truthfulness. I can't believe she's opened up. It mirrors the way I feel, too.

"I don't know." I pull away before I'm tempted to kiss her. I'll lose her trust if I make this about me. "Please, give me this week."

She sighs. I've hurt her again. "Why, Seth? What will one week do?"

"You never know. Just give me a chance." I press my palm to the side of her face then pull away. Old habits of touching and loving her won't die. "But you have to be open. You have to try."

Her voice breaks. "I try to get through each day. How would this be any different?"

I can't believe I've stayed away so long. I curse that I was a coward and left her. "I don't deserve another chance with you, and I'm not asking for one. I just need this week. For you."

Before the week is over, Haley will know everything. Everything about that night that made me run away. I'll tell her about Carly, my parents, and the accident.

She sighs. "Fine. Will you take me home?"

After a restless night, I drag myself out of bed to get ready for my shift. I forgot to wash my apron so it's still splattered with ketchup, my head is pounding, and my chest aches. It's so hard to be around Seth. One moment I want to run away from him and then the next I want him to pull me close and kiss me forever. But last night he made it clear that he's not back to apologize and try to salvage our relationship. I guess that's as it should be because if he tried, I'd refuse. But a tiny part, just a tiny, tiny part of me really misses him.

I nudge Justine's door open. "Hey, you awake?"

"Yeah, yeah," she grumbles. I move to the stairs and she calls, "Don't forget you're training Katie this morning! I should be back from the dentist by noon."

It's my turn to groan. I walk down the narrow, steep stairs that lead to the kitchen of the inn. My hand slides down the rail and the steps creak under my feet. Early morning smells of bacon and coffee greet me. This ritual of waking and working to the sound of Tom cooking in the kitchen has become my home.

He's mixing the batter for pancakes. His graying brown hair needs a cut and his face wears the happy expression it always does when he's cooking. "Hey, there."

"Good morning." I can't hide the yawn as I pour a cup of coffee and wrap my hands around it. Just this little bit of warmth is comforting.

He bustles about the kitchen, never stopping. "Thanks for training the new waitress."

"No prob." I can't force any fake enthusiasm.

He pats my back as he rushes past. "Remember, you were once new too."

I feel guilty after all Tom's done for me. He's put his life's money and his dreams into this place. Then he opened it up to Justine and me. "Don't worry. I won't let you down."

He slows to measure another batch of flour. "You going to be staying with us another summer?"

"Yeah, sure. Why?" My chest constricts in the fear that he's suggesting I move out. It must show on my face.

"Don't worry. You're welcome here as long as you'd like. I wondered if you'd thought anymore about college or what you want to do the rest of your life. Not that I want to lose my best hired help."

"I'm here for now." I head into the restaurant for a few moments peace before the crowd trickles in. I avoid these types of conversation with Tom. That's how he knows to sneak them in when I'm unaware. He's knows I'd claim to be sick or slip out the backdoor if he suggested we sit down and talk.

The restaurant is quiet and still. The floor shines and tables are clean with white paper place mats. The morning sun peeks over the horizon in a beautiful sunrise of soft reds and purples. I love the mornings I have off and can be on the beach with the colors playing on the water. The feeling of a new day and the hope that comes with it. Before the crowds and the tourists when I can feel the beach is mine. Like here in the inn. No chatter or clinking of cups or rattling of dishes. Just quiet.

A fierce knocking rattles the door. A pretty, smiling face presses up against the door, her breath fogging up the glass. Katie's here. A twinge of jealousy twists in my gut that she's replaced me in Seth's life. I unlock the door, and she bounds in like a bunny in the spring. Her blonde hair bounces around her shoulders, her smile practically leaping off her face.

I can't help but smile back a little bit. I want to dislike this girl, but it's just about impossible. "Hi."

She gives me a huge hug. "So glad to finally get to know you."

"Really?" I pull back at her enthusiasm. "I didn't know I was so famous."

"Well," she says slyly, "you can't hang around Seth for long without realizing he's a goner for someone."

I gasp. "Seth and I have been over for a year." Ever since he ran out on me. It hurts just to think it. Just him being in town has set me back.

"Maybe, but he still loves you."

I move across the room, knowing she'll follow. "Are you always this blunt with people you've just met?"

"Yep!"

"That must drive Seth crazy."

She nods. "Yep again. But someone has to make him laugh." She rubs her chin in a thoughtful professor-like way. "Looks like I'm going to have to be hard on you too. At least a few smiles every day."

I flash her a big fake smile.

She laughs. "I knew I'd like you."

A few customers stand outside, peering through the glass. In a few minutes, the door will open, and they'll flood the room. I give her our standard apron decorated with seashells and rush through the basics of welcoming customers, inviting them to find their seat, serving coffee, and returning for the orders. Then I show her the back room and where to put the dirty dishes.

She rubs her hands on the apron and fiddles with the strings, rather unsuccessfully attempting to hide her nerves.

"Don't worry. You'll get the hang of it." I give her the quick rundown. "We take the orders, slide it onto the counter, pour coffee, smile, serve the food, clear the plates. It's really not that hard." With my every instruction, she takes in the scene as if memorizing the layout and process. She's going to be a good waitress. I can tell.

"Alright, you ready?" I ask. "Why don't you shadow me for a bit while keeping the coffee filled and the plates cleared. Sound good?"

She claps. "Perfect."

I unlock the door and our day starts. I thought for sure I'd hate this girl Seth brought to town, but clearly she adores him. I'm glad he has someone. Maybe she knows a little more about why he left, though he's promised me some answers before the end of the week. My thoughts flitter to the envelope in my drawer. But if he thinks he's getting me to go back, he can forget it.

The morning passes. Katie picks up the routine quickly and is extremely helpful. Around noon, she taps my shoulder.

"What?" I ask while balancing several plates on my arms.

"Who's that good looker who just walked in?"

I glance at the door. Crap. Noah's here. "Not sure." Whenever Noah visits it's to check up on me or talk me into moving on with my life. Out of everyone, he should understand how hard it is to move on. He never did as far as I can tell.

I nod my head as I brush by him with the plates. Then I sneak back into the kitchen and upstairs. Justine is putting the final touches on her make-up.

I rush in, flustered and anxious. "Do you mind starting a bit early?"

"Sure, why?"

"Noah."

She purses her lips together. "Maybe you should talk to him."

"Why? I know exactly what he'll say and I don't want to talk about this weekend. That's why he's here."

"You can't ignore him forever, Haley."

"I know. But, please?"

She crosses her arms. "On one condition."

"Sure," I say hesitantly.

"That you'll open the letter before you go to bed tonight."

"Promise." I'm a good liar.

I change into jeans and a sweatshirt, ready to hit the beach. Anywhere but here. I sneak out the back door and bump right into Tate.

Out west, I worked for Katie's dad in exchange for room and board and a small weekly pay, but in a lot of my spare time, I volunteered at the Boys and Girls club. It was my saving grace, a time when I lost myself in the pain those kids carried, gave back, and by the end, we all felt better. My time with them was the high point of my week, like a drug I needed to keep me afloat.

I'm desperate for that. After this week, I might only bump into Haley here and there, but I'll still need this in my life, no matter what kind of paying job I find. If I stay.

I knock on the office door. I'm dressed in the best clothes I have, which consists of a pair of khakis and a button-up blue shirt. I threw them in my suitcase at the last second, knowing I might eventually go through some kind of interview process.

"Come in."

I open the door, wiping my sweaty palms on my pants.

"Hi. I'm Mandy." She stands. Her reddish hair falls to her chin. She's sharp. Her elbows, her chin, her nose, her shoulders remind me of sharp angles, but her smile makes me breathe easier. "You must be Seth?"

I nod. "Yes, Ma'am."

She points to a chair, then leans back in her own, her full attention on me. "Tell me about yourself."

I clear my throat and sit straighter. "For the past year I've worked on a ranch out west and volunteered for the Club. I love the work and would like to continue it here."

She studies me, not saying a word. Her eyes are a hazel, nothing special, but she seems to see right through me to my past. I want to look away but I don't.

"What's the real reason, Seth?"

I stare at her, trying to keep my composure. "Excuse me?"

She waves her hand. "Never mind. We'll get to that later." She studies my resume and the letter of recommendation I slid across her desk. "Why don't you spend some time on the court, get to know the boys while I read these papers. Then come back and we'll talk."

"Sure." I eagerly leave the cramped office, cross the empty gym, and head to the basketball courts. This is my safe place. I saunter up to the younger high school boys playing.

"Hey, can I play?" I ask.

A boy with a mass of curly hair gives me the once-over. "You play before?"

"Yep. I'm Seth."

"I'm Chris. And that's Joe and Davey. The others aren't important." Joe and Davey stand nearby. They dress similar to Chris with their shorts low on their hips and old T-shirts hanging off their bodies.

Joe has black hair and a scowl on his face, and Davey has dirty blond hair that falls over his ears. He wears a frown too. But I get it. I have to earn trust first.

We start playing, and I fall into an easy rhythm. I don't play too hard and let them steal the ball every once in a while. At the same time, as a stranger I need to earn their respect too. I make my fair number of shots and passes, but I steal the ball from them too. It's easy for the encouraging words to slip out. It's easy to connect, and I feel better than I have since I came back.

Thirty minutes later we're sweaty, my shirt is on the ground, and the kids are breathing a little harder than when I came. The boys have loosened up and are talking about all sorts of things. Not the hurtful stuff, not the scars that I'm sure lay beneath the surface. They're very excited about the ice cream bar the next day with an afternoon of games and competition.

"Sounds like fun."

Chris pauses, then says. "You should come."

"I'll try." I wipe the sweat off my forehead. "I'll ask Mandy, okay?"

They nod and go back to their game. I head inside the club and return to Mandy's office. My boss out west had called her with glowing recommendations for me, along with sending an email. Working with the kids this past year saved my life. If I stick around here I have to keep it up.

Mandy sits behind her desk, pouring over paperwork but stops when I knock at the door. She motions me inside and points to the same plastic chair across from her desk.

"I can see you needed that as much as them." She taps a pencil on the papers in front of her.

I flop down in the chair and can't hold back the grin. "I've missed it."

She hesitates, and drums her fingers against my resume. I know what she wants, the questions she needs to ask. I'm ready. "You know what's coming, don't you?"

I nod.

"Alright then. If you want to work with the kids here you have to realize that it's not about you. Most adults want to work with kids because for some reason they want to give back and this in return helps them too." She switches to tapping the pencil against her lips, and her eyes pierce mine.

She can see through me and straight to the pain. I can tell when her eyes soften and her head tilts to the side.

"I'm not going to poke around in your life. Yet." She smiles. "But know that if you work here, I encourage everyone to face their past. This isn't a place to hide out and escape from the world. Other clubs work differently, but I see some of my employees as big kids who need that extra hug and smile as much as the kids do."

For the first time I can't believe I'm going to be honest. But Mandy seems to get pain, and I'm sure she has her own battle scars. "That's why I'm back in town."

She purses her lips to the side. "I see." She pushes the paperwork across the table to me. "Fill these out and return them by the end of the week. And, we have a great day planned tomorrow. If you'd like to come and man the ice cream buffet we could use the help."

"I'd love to." I grab the papers and go to leave, but I stop at the door. "Can I bring a friend?"

She flashes me a knowing smile. "Sure. See you tomorrow."

I leave the Boys and Girl Club with a smile and a little more confidence. For the first time since I've returned, I feel better, but it won't last. I have to convince Haley to come with me tomorrow. She'll love the kids, and she'll see that a world waits for her outside of being a waitress.

I'm speechless. A couple days ago Tate told me he needed a break, yet, here he is. My rock. My safe place for the past few months. Maybe that's why the last couple days have been so hard, and not because Seth came to town. Maybe I've missed having someone there for me, who doesn't press me to talk, who's my friend. I want to run up and hug him, but I'm still a little pissed.

"Decided I'm worth sticking around for?" I ask casually, but glance at the door, wondering if Noah will look for me back here.

Tate runs his fingers through his hair, leaving him with a major bed-head look. "That's not how it is and you know it."

My annoyance factor skyrockets, but it immediately fades into nothing. He likes me. I can see it in the concern in his eyes, but maybe for some reason I've been nothing more than a safe place to him too. That's not fair to either of us. He deserves someone who tingles under his touch, whose heart races in anticipation of his kiss and it leaves her breathless, wanting more in a shivery anticipation. That person isn't me. Only one boy has ever done that for me.

"I know." I slug him gently on the arm. "I'm kidding." And with that confession, my love, a brotherly kind of love, of gratefulness, floods through me for Tate. During this past year he's picked me up late for bowling dates, forced me out on my lunch break for ice cream and a quick stroll down the boardwalk. He's put up with my forced cheeriness and the days I couldn't even muster a smile.

He's been a good friend.

He spreads out his arms in an effort to show his vulnerability. "I don't seem to be able to compete with your past."

"I'm sorry." This is where I need to end it even though it means I'll be alone, without a way of escape from the dull and drone of life. "What can I do?"

"Are you willing to try and let go?" He shuffles his feet on the ground, a strong guy like him, nervous.

I tug on his sleeve. The emotion rushes into my throat and my voice wavers. "I'd love to move on with you. I'd love to be that one for you, the one you need, the one who loves you back with everything she's got." My throat closes, and I can't finish, because that boy, that one person who does that for me has told me he's not here to fight for me.

He nods as if admitting what he already knew. His sad smile though still brings peace to me. "I want to be there for you. This weekend. I'll take you if you'd like, if you want."

The emotion dissolves, and the numbness steals over my heart, mind, and soul. "No."

He pulls me to him. "You need this, Haley."

The spark of anger flares, and I push against him. Everyone's telling me what I have to do. I have to go. I have to find closure. I have to stop running. "Why don't we leave this on a good note?"

He gives me a quick hug and a gentle peck on the cheek. "Fine, but if you need a friend, let me know." Then he leaves.

I wonder how much he ever really cared about me, because he doesn't seem to find it too hard to leave. Maybe I'm not the only one who doesn't feel that spark. I blame Seth. If he hadn't come back to town and caught Tate and I together, then Tate and I would be fine. I storm back inside, slamming the door behind me, almost knocking over a tray of freshly made sandwiches.

For the first time in a year I wish I had a car, but I haven't driven since I left with Justine, and I don't plan on it now. I rip through the kitchen and into the restaurant. Noah has been waiting this whole time, but is just now exiting out the front door. I catch up and hook my arm through his. Might as well deal with him too.

"Let's go," I order.

He startles and narrows his eyes, suspicious. I don't blame him, especially since I've been avoiding him for the past year. He lets me lead him outside. I've caught him off guard, which is good. I search back and forth on the street parking. "Where's your car?"

"Why?" he asks, his stubbornness showing.

"Because I need a ride, and I don't have a car." I study the hard lines of his jaw and the determined set of his eyes. Crap. I forgot that Noah's no pushover. "Fine." I huff. "If you take me where I want to go then I'll listen to what you have to say. Deal?"

He nods and presses the button to unlock the doors. We were standing right next to his car. "Where we going?"

"I'm not sure yet. Let's just drive."

We drive through town a couple times. Before I know what I'm doing, I search the bobbing heads of the people on the boardwalk and the outside tables of the restaurants. Seth hasn't contacted me since last night. Maybe he's changed his mind about spending time with me. My heart sinks and pulls my thoughts with it.

Noah fiddles with the radio station, and the car fills with the melody of memories, the beat of the past, drumming through my body. The feeling creeps over me slowly, building. The pressure lies on my shoulders and squeezes my chest. The doors of the car close in around me.

"It would help if I knew where we were going."

I sigh and try to find distraction in Noah's interrogation. "Seth's in town."

Noah's fingers tighten on the wheel, and a muscle twitches in his jaw. "I'm surprised the coward dared to show up." He glances at me. "Has he talked to you about anything?"

"No." My heart rate increases. I don't mention this coming weekend, hoping Noah doesn't know about the invitation in my dresser drawer.

"Good." He stares back at the road, visibly relieved.

I study him harder. He knows something. About Seth. And the spark flares again. In one big rush, the past catches up to me and I can't breathe. "Pull over." I gasp.

"Haley, no. We're in the middle of traffic."

"Pull over!" I yell. I'm suffocating and the heaviness in the air and the knowledge of last year at this time hits me like a tidal wave. I claw at the door. "Let me out."

He veers across two lanes of traffic. A horn blares. I cringe as memories hit, wave after wave. He screeches to a stop but grabs my arm before I can leave.

"Please. We need to talk."

"No. I can't," I whisper. "I'll walk home. Don't worry about me." I scramble outside and sprint down the sidewalk, past the stores, the ice cream shops, the gift stores. I keep running. My feet slap the cracked pavement. I don't stop. This was a mistake to go with Noah. This is what would happen if I ever went home, if I went this weekend. The memories and secret blame would crash, and I can't bear everyone staring, judging, knowing it was all my fault.

A stitch cramps my side, and I gasp for breath but the momentary pain feels good. It's something I can control. Maybe I'll just keep running and never stop. Like Forrest Gump. Across the state, across the country and then I'll turn around and do the whole thing again. I'm not really looking where I'm going until I slam into someone. I stumble and fall to my knees.

A gentle hand is on my arm. It's an older gentleman with a kind smile. He helps me to my feet.

"Are you all right?" His voice is firm but raspy. His face is weathered and a fishing hat hides his eyes. Crumbs are entrenched in his mustache.

"I'm fine." My voice shakes. "Thanks."

I stumble away and lean against a wooden bench. My eyes flutter shut and I breathe deeply. What is going on with me? I've been in control for almost a year. I've avoided my family because they always lecture me about facing the past. What most of them don't understand is that I don't want to deal with it, and I shoved that part of my life away in a box in a deep corner of my heart, like I did the memories and pictures in the back of my closet. Even though those memories stay with me every day, every second, under the surface. I've moved on the best I can.

Noah watches from his car parked on the other side of the road, so I walk. My feet stumble and feel like wooden blocks, but I move forward, one step and a time, heading home.

I'll get there, eventually.

I fumble with the lock at my grandfather's cabin when someone taps my shoulder.

I turn and can't see anyone or react before a fist lands on my jaw, and I fall against the front door.

"What the hell?" I crouch in a fighting stance, ready to defend myself, when I see Noah. All fight leaves, and slowly, I stand straight. I deserved that. He told me to leave and never come back.

He folds his arms and everything about him is strung tight and full of rage. It ripples in his biceps as he clenches and unclenches his fists, ready to punch me again. It floats in the furious haze that simmers in his eyes. It shows in the color that tinges his cheeks.

I sigh. "What do you want?"

"I gave you a choice last year. Be there for my sister or stay the hell away from her." His voice is sandpaper. "She's had a shitty year and doesn't need you back in her life."

"I ran away for all the wrong reasons, but I'm back now. She can't hide out in the restaurant forever."

A muscle jumps in his jaw as he grinds his teeth. "Don't you dare tell me about her. I've made sure she's not stuck there all the time."

I jerk my head. "What's that supposed to mean?" The truth lies in his eyes. He's been behind the scenes of Haley's life, controlling what she does. I think of Tate. Her casual boyfriend who probably is the one to make sure she's not stuck inside. "Does Haley know?"

"What?" he asks.

"That you're messing with her?"

He steps closer. "You don't have the right to question me or even be here. Why don't you run away again? No one wants you here."

I sigh in defeat. He's right. All the confidence and peace from the past couple hours slips away. "I'm going to take care of it. I'm going to tell her the truth and apologize."

He steps so we're nose to nose. "You get one chance. I want you out of her life by the end of the week. If you hurt her, I'll chase you down and kick your ass."

I nod. "Got it."

He storms away. My hands shake as I unlock the door and then slip inside. For the first time it hits me hard how much I hurt Haley when I left. Noah's always been protective, but not like this. From what he says, he's been pulling strings behind the scenes without her knowing. This confirms what I've begun to suspect. It just might be that Haley needs saving, too.

I pull out my phone and send her a text.

**Me** : hey, you there?

I wait a few minutes before I get a response back.

**Haley** : yeah

My fingers pause and for the first time in a while I decide to be truthful.

**Me** : I'm sorry. For everything. For running last year.

A few minutes go by before she responds.

**Haley** : Why now?

**Me** : I need to make things right.

**Haley** : What if I'm not ready?

**Me** : I don't blame you.

I hold in a breath. My fingers tremble.

**Haley** : Did you ever stop and think that I didn't want you out of my life? You took that decision away from me last year. You never asked. You just left. Why now?

The truth hurts, and I feel the anger behind her words. I get it. Anger is much easier than hurt.

**Me** : I'll answer any of your questions, and then I'll be gone.

Her text comes fast.

**Haley** : Who said I ever wanted you gone? Don't you get it? I went through hell but I stayed there when you up and left.

I type in the hardest words, the first step to making this up to her. I tell her she'll want me gone once she learns the truth, but as soon as I finish the last words, I delete it all. This can't be done through texting, and I can't leave her hanging.

**Me** : Give me next couple days. To make up for my mistakes. We both need to move on. Trust me. This is something we both need.

I press send but she doesn't respond, so I send one more.

**Me** : Want to hang out tomorrow afternoon?

I wait more than a few minutes but she never texts back.

After another night filled with tossing and turning, I get up, the sadness and the dread pulling at me. I grasp the knob and slide open the drawer. The envelope is still crammed in the back. I tug it loose and trace my fingers over the typed print on the front. The memorial service is tomorrow. For a brief second, I debate opening it but then cram it back in and slam the drawer shut.

I don my apron and throw my energy into waitressing. I laugh the best I can. I flirt with the patrons, and I joke with Justine.

But it doesn't matter how many lame jokes I crack or how many times I force my lips into a smile, I can't forget that when I ran last year, I didn't really leave my past behind. This whole year it's been hurtling toward me at full speed like an out-of-control train careening down the tracks.

Katie shows up after lunch with a chipper smile. Her eyes are bright and happy, untainted by the bad things in life. Her every laugh and smile stabs into me, and I need to escape. Thankfully, it's Justine's turn to continue training her today. I beg off for the afternoon, and I know exactly where I want to go.

The beach.

I want to soak in the early summer sun, even if it's still a little chilly. Let the sharp smells and ocean breeze wash away my cares. This past year, the ocean has been my solace. A place where I'm accepted with no questions asked. In my room, I tear off my apron and dig around for sweatpants and a sweatshirt. I'm not a runner, but I like to walk.

I leave through the back entrance and run into Katie, her hands full of two overflowing trash bags filled with stinky garbage.

"Oh, hi," I say. I help her out, amazed at her smile, even when carrying smelly leftovers.

"Thanks." She throws the second bag in the dumpster then stands as if wanting to say more, her fingers wrapping around the strings of her apron.

I study her. She knows all about Seth this past year and everything he's been doing. She might even know why he's back.

She flashes me a knowing grin. "Go ahead. Ask away. I can see you're dying to ask about Seth."

"Um." I stumble over my words. Was I that obvious? I spent the last year learning to hide all these emotions, and she sees through me with one glance. Maybe there's more to her than her happy-go-lucky appearance.

She laughs. "Don't worry. Seth is burning up with questions about you, so I figured you might feel the same way."

This is my chance, but I don't know where to start. Will asking these questions let him back into my heart? Remind me of all that I've lost? "Thanks for the offer, but I'm good."

Katie shrugs but stops at the back door before going back to work. "Seth never told me anything about last year or why he came to live with us. He's been a closed book." Her voice softens. "But something's been tormenting him, and he came back to deal with it. I have a feeling you're a big part of that."

I nod, but I can't find the words. A lump forms in my throat.

"Please," Katie asks, her eyes pleading. "Give him a chance." Then she goes inside.

I head over to the beach and walk furiously along the shoreline. The crash of the waves is a comforting white noise. I fall into an easy rhythm, walking and letting my mind go blank for most of it. But Katie's words haunt me.

Give him a chance? I battle between breaking down and giving him that chance or closing up and telling him to leave me the hell alone. He wants to purge himself of his guilt and then leave me again. I'm not sure I want to be that for him. I shake it off and keep walking, focusing on the different shades of sand passing between my feet, the shifting colors. Early tourists yap and take pictures. I turn around and then head back. When I'm almost back to my starting point. I stop and stare.

Seth is sitting with his arms on his knees, staring out at the horizon. I walk closer, my steps soft on the sand. He looks lost, and my heart breaks all over again, pulling me in two different directions. I'm invading this private moment and should leave him alone, but I can't seem to get my feet to move.

The shadow of a nasty bruise streaks across his lower jaw. "What happened?"

My words pull him out of his trance, but he smiles, faintly. "I had a run-in with a fist."

I don't ask because I have a feeling I know who it is. "Yeah, sorry about that. I mentioned you to Noah." I might as well talk to him instead of texting him. I plop down in the sand.

"It's okay. I'll survive. It'll heal," he says.

Then we sit, side by side, staring out at the skyline and the clouds that seem to kiss the water so far away. So many words inside fight for attention. I want to scream, yell and cry. I want to hit him over and over, so he can feel just a little bit of the pain I've felt this past year. Instead, I dig my fingers into the cool sand. I've seen the pain in his eyes when he thinks no one's looking. I'm not alone.

He clears his throat but still waits a few seconds. I focus on the curling waves creeping closer to our feet and the swirl of white foam. Like a milkshake, the froth slowly disappears and then slides back into the sea. It comes and goes.

"You never answered my text," he says.

"Yeah, sorry about that."

"Listen, I know it would be easier for me to never have come back. It would be easier to pack right now and leave you be. But I can't." His voice grows hoarse. "I just can't. Regardless of what happens, I'm here, to tell my side of the story."

"You've mentioned that," I say dryly. My mouth suddenly goes dry. I'm not sure I want to know the truth.

"Let's start with something easy." His fingers twist then untwist. "Are you free this afternoon?"

"Depends on what you want to do."

He digs his feet under the damp sand. "You'll have to trust me."

He stands and brushes the sand off his pants. He holds his hand out and flashes me the goofy grin I've known my whole life. The smile I fell in love with. My heart squeezes, and I breathe deep to control the flood of emotions. The sun hits the side of his face, revealing the bit of stubble. His lips are a tiny bit chapped. Slowly, my gaze moves to his eyes. They plead with me to say yes.

This moment seems to hang in time, and I have two choices. I can tell Seth to leave me the hell alone, which I think he would honor, or I can take his hand and give him a chance. He doesn't deserve a day, never mind three, but I'm not stupid. To move past everything and get on with my life I need to hear him out. It might hurt, but then maybe I can let go of him. Forever.

I take his hand. His skin feels soft and warm and images flash through my head. Of all of us hanging out at the pool hall, playing soccer together, fooling around. Jamie, Carter, Brin and Kama. My throat constricts but the tears don't come. At some point, they all dried up. I haven't let myself go there in months.

I duck my head but his eyes catch mine, and he immediately pulls me into his arms. I don't fight or argue. He doesn't try to get me to talk. He just holds me and for the first time in a year, I feel a little bit normal. But that one memory sparks others and everything I've been holding back for the past year floods my brain.

His arms hold me tighter, and I bury my face into the crook of his shoulder. It's been months. No one has understood. Not Noah. Not Justine. Not Tate. No one has been there to hold me because they've walked my road. They want to poke and prod into my deeper feelings and get me to talk about them. But sometimes I don't want to talk. Sometimes memories are too painful. With the flood of sadness comes the waves of guilt and this is why I can't move past the memories. This is why I can't bury the past and say goodbye. This is why I refuse to open that envelope.

He doesn't let me go. The ocean breeze whips around us and tourists start to set up their spots with chairs, coolers, and umbrellas. Joggers whip past. Old men with their dogs shuffle by. This feels good. His warmth seeps through my sweatshirt and reaches the depths of me, the parts that have been frozen for the past year.

"I'm not ready for this," I croak out.

He kisses the top of my forehead. "I don't care where I am or what I'm doing. If you ever need a hug you let me know. No questions asked."

I pull away. "Sorry about that."

His hands move to the sides of my face and his eyes search mine. His thumbs stroke my cheeks. "I think you're ready."

I tense.

"To have fun." He smiles. "You're ready to smile a little bit this afternoon. I promise you'll feel better."

I glance toward the Seaside Inn. "I don't know. I should probably check on Justine and Katie and make sure the restaurant isn't too crowded."

He pulls out his phone and sends a text. Seconds later, his phone buzzes. He slides it back into this pocket. "Katie says they're doing fine. And how can you say no to ice cream?"

"Ice cream?" I tap my chin as if in deep thought. "Well, I guess I can't say no to that."

Her smile lights a fire in my chest. I haven't seen that smile in a year. It doesn't quite reach her eyes yet, but we have the rest of the day. I lead her back to my car, not letting go of her hand, and she doesn't pull away. I walk slower as we close in on the boardwalk, because the real world will crash in on us. To feel her soft skin and feel the beginnings of trust pass between us is the best I've felt all year. It's like we're in a bubble, protected from the past year.

But our feet hit the sandy pavement of the boardwalk, and she pulls her hand away as if suddenly wondering how she let it happen. I'm okay with that. Small steps toward the truth.

Once we're in the car heading for the other side of town, she speaks. "Where we going?"

"No where you've been before. And no where near home."

I throw that in there because that's what she really wants to know. I see it in her eyes. Being with me is dangerous. I know too much, and she fears I might accidentally bring her back to the past. Like when I brought her to the pool hall.

"Is it far from here?"

"We're not going to leave town." I flip on the blinker and turn right, away from the ocean.

She falls silent, but she's nervous at the unexpected. She bites her lip and plays with the tear in the fabric of the front seat. She used to love surprises.

"Hey," I say.

"What?" But she still peers out the window.

"Trust me."

She still gazes at the passing scenery and doesn't respond. I say trust me, but I don't expect her to yet. And in a few days, she never will again. That fact crushes me. A battle rages inside, pushing me to what I have to do, but at the same time, whispering to my heart to keep my secrets. Not say a word.

I don't dare turn on any of my music because she knows it all and we have memories to almost all of them. I let the silence fill the car and our minds. Minutes later, I pull into the Boys and Girls Club.

"Are you lost?" she asks.

"Nope." I smile. "You ready for some fun?"

"I guess."

I see her hesitation, but also the hope in the small smile she gives me. I get out and open the car door for her. She hesitates, like she wants to stay inside, protected from an experience that might open her heart to living again. I grab her hand and help her out. We walk toward the large brick building. The basketball courts outside are busy with action. Kids cheer from the sidelines while others are sweating it up on the court.

"We're here to watch basketball?"

"Nope." I squeeze her hand. "You'll see."

We enter from the gym side and the stale smell of old sweat makes her nose crinkle. I let go of her hand to give her space, and on the other side, I knock on Mandy's door.

"Come on in!" she calls.

I lead, and Haley follows me.

"Hi, Mandy. This is my friend, Haley." I step to the side. "Mandy is the director of the Boys and Girls Club."

Haley reaches out and shakes her hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Out west," I explain, "besides working for Katie's dad, I volunteered at the Boys and Girls Club, so I decided to check this one out."

"Oh."

Haley can't seem to find anything else to say but looks at me with new revelation passing across her face. Like she's just discovering the Seth of today.

I don't miss Mandy's brief look of question as she studies the two of us. She must see through my pretense of friendship. Grief and pain is written all over both Haley and I, and someone in Mandy's position won't miss that. She won't miss the almost-severed connection between us.

Mandy is the first to break the tension-filled silence. "Follow me."

She leads us to the other side of the gym and down a hallway to a large room. The cement walls are painted a faded orange and the industrial carpet is a lime green. The room smells like dirty socks. Two plastic tables are lined up in the back of the room, and in the far left is the door to the kitchen. She points to the cupboards, all labeled with white tape. "All the supplies are in the cupboards, and the freezer's in the kitchen." She looks at her watch and back to the door. "You comfortable setting up?"

"Sure. I've helped out at a ton of these events." I glance sideways at Haley who's staring at me. I can't help but wink. "And with a partner it should be no problem."

Mandy gives us the once over. "Okay. You've got about thirty minutes before the flood of hungry, sweaty kids hits."

Haley and I rush to set up.

"Okay, let's get to work. I'll hit the kitchen for the ice cream." I point to the cupboards. "Can you search for plastic bowls, spoons and napkins?"

"Sure thing." She attacks her assigned job with enthusiasm.

My heart lightens a tiny bit. It takes almost the whole thirty minutes to find everything and set up. We argue a little bit about the flow and the order of ice cream toppings, but we're setting the last of the gummy bears and crushed cookies into place when the kids enter. The ice cream has softened just enough that I can scoop it easily, but not so much that it's melting.

A couple of the boys from yesterday approach, and I slap some high fives and exchange smiles. Then I start scooping. It's endless. The flood of kids doesn't stop. My wrist burns but I keep at it. I glance over at Haley who is frantic to keep the supplies filled. The sprinkles knock over, and she sweeps them up. The kids are welcoming and throw questions at her about us. Her face reddens as she explains we went to high school together. I dig into the ice cream and act busy when she glances my way.

I keep scooping and scooping and scooping. Finally, the last few apply their toppings and head outside to the picnic tables and small patch of grass. Our job is done. I lean against the wall and rub my wrists. Haley slumps into a chair. She's exhausted but her eyes look alive in a way I haven't seen since last year. Mission accomplished.

"Now it's our turn," I say wickedly.

Haley squeals, and we attack what's left of the ice cream and toppings. We demolish our serving within minutes. When we're done with clean up, we slide against the wall and sit. The exhaustion settles over me and so does the feeling of contentment. This is what I like. It doesn't last, but helping with these kids distracts me from myself. It's the only time I forget for a little bit.

"You surprise me, Seth," she says.

For the first time, I feel the blush in my cheeks. I share what I hope will inspire her to start reaching out. "When I left last year and went to Katie's ranch, it was tough. I had a hard time, and work ground me to dust. Volunteering with the kids last year saved my life. It's also the reason I came back."

I know I've said the wrong thing when a mask falls over her features. Her eyes harden, and the smile drops off.

I stumble to find the right words. "I mean, I came back for lots of reasons. Working with the kids made me realize I couldn't hide away forever, that I needed to live. That I needed to face my mistakes."

Her eyes practically glow with rage. "Is that what this is about? Getting me to see the enlightened life you've lived the past year? And you're my savior riding into town?"

Any control I've had over the situation flies out the door. "Not at all." But then the truth hits me. I didn't realize how underhanded it was until I see the betrayal on her face.

The angry words spit out. "I've managed on my own for the last year. Without you. I've done just fine. I don't need you coming in trying to fix me like everyone else."

Her breathing is fast and shallow, and her arms tense. I expect her to hit me, but she doesn't. Instead she slashes me open with her words. "Your chance is over. We're done. Your few days are up. Go find someone else to be your little project."

She has a lot more to say but her rage brims over. "Goodbye, Seth." She flips around and storms to the exit. At the doorway, she turns. "I'll call Justine for a ride so don't worry about me. And if you were going to ask me about this weekend? Forget about it!" Her voice cracks. "I'm not going. I don't deserve to." Then she's gone.

I crumple to the floor. How did it go so wrong? For the first time, probably in a while, she experienced the spark of life, and I snuffed it out by trying to make sure she got the message instead of leaving it to her to figure out.

"Seth?"

I lift my head. Mandy stands at the door, the concern showing. "May I talk with you?"

"Sure." I sound miserable, and I can't hide it.

She sits on the carpet next to me. "If you stay in the area, I'd love to have you on board here. But I'll pass on wisdom I learned the hard way."

"What's that?" I don't mean to sound bitter but it slips out with my words.

"It's not your job to fix others. You can only fix yourself."

"But it is my job." I run my hands into my hair and rest my head, my fingers digging into my scalp. Then I jerk them away. "Her pain and loss are my fault. And I've made it worse."

She hesitates but then says, "I don't know your story, but I can tell you care about this girl. Again, take care of yourself first. You can't fix yourself by fixing her."

She leaves me with those parting words, but I stay in the room for a long time—until shadows fall lower against the opposite wall. The light fades, and I think about everything: the past year, my friends, Haley, my family. Finally I know what I have to do. I messed up with Haley, and she'll never give me another chance. But I'm not leaving like a coward. She'll hear the truth one way or the other. But first, I have to face my life.

I have to go home and talk to my parents.

I storm out of the Boys and Girls Club and ignore the stares from the kids, the ones I just served ice cream to, the ones I just laughed with, like everything's okay with me. I flash a fake smile and then stride to the curb outside. I walk, my feet leading the way down the street. I'm not ready to call Justine and answer her questions. I turn left and then right. I focus on the small things, the cracks in the pavement beneath my feet, the ramshackle state of the small houses from years of living near the ocean. It's prime property. The houses are worth millions for a few small rooms.

With each block that passes under my feet, the rage fades. The salty smell of the ocean tickles my nose and brings back not only sad memories, but everything from the past year. All the walks I've taken along the sea, talking to the waves and the fish and the sky as if they were my friends.

My heart whispers. The ocean is just water and salt and fish. It's not a friend, not in the way a person needs. Justine and my family have been trying to tell me that for months, but I didn't want to listen. People hurt one another. That's what happens.

Tate's on speed dial. I need a friend who won't push me to talk or show so much sympathy I want to puke. He's better off not dating me and he should know this. I'm broken. Continuing to date me would suck him into a vortex of pain and confusion. Because that's what I do. I hurt the people I love.

I wait, but Tate doesn't answer his phone.

Justine's next. I let her know where I am. While I wait for her to respond, the breeze plays with the ends of my hair, and my fingers bump along the top of a white picket fence enclosing a yard. It's small, but around here it might as well be a gigantic field. Grass is a precious commodity.

I keep walking.

My surroundings blur. I ignore the cries of my heart, pushing up, pressing against my soul, sending messages to my brain. I refuse to listen, but my feet seem to be telling something different. By the time I reach Shore Drive, my legs ache.

From across the street, I stare into the Seaside Inn, my home for the past year. Shadows move in front of the windows. Katie and Justine are hard at work. The dinner rush is just starting.

I'm not going home. I refuse to talk to Noah.

I walk around to the back of the restaurant, to the one-car garage. For the past year, her uncle has allowed Justine to park her ancient Chevy in there. I know where she hides the keys.

I'm not going home.

My body is like a robot, on automatic, like someone has taken it over. I reach inside the planter to the right of the garage and feel around in the dirt. For the hard piece of metal. Her keys. Last year, she said I could borrow the car anytime. Of course, she stopped offering because every time I said no. I've only driven once since last year. I shook so bad I didn't drive again. My parents sold the car soon after.

Crouched down, I place my fingers under the bottom of the garage door. It lifts pretty easily with a creaking that must announce to everyone what I'm doing. I expect Justine to run out the back door and question me. I wait, my heart pounding.

But the door stays closed.

I move into the dark. My hands stay on the car, guiding me to the driver's side. The metal is cool against my skin. My fingers stumble against the handle and then lift it. The faded cinnamon spice of her air freshener wafts out.

What am I doing?

I climb inside, even though every part of me screams to stop, to run back inside and refill all the ketchup bottles. I turn the key and the low rumble of the engine vibrates my feet.

My arms shake. I put the car in reverse and jerk out of the garage. The experience feels foreign, yet at the same time, like I just drove yesterday. Some things stay with you forever, even if you don't want them to.

I press gently against the gas and the car creeps to where the driveway meets the road. I turn left, and within seconds, I'm driving, away from the ocean, away from everything comfortable and safe. Minutes pass and I keep going in the same direction.

I'm heading home.

That thought sends ripples of nausea through my stomach. My chest shudders and memories of that night flood through me. My vision blurs. I yank the car to the side of the road, my wheel ramming into the sidewalk and going over it. The bottom of the car scrapes the curb.

I need to get out. The car is suffocating. I fall onto my knees in the dry patches of the grass. I breathe in and out but it sounds like a wind tunnel in my ears. My throat is tight and I squeeze my eyes shut as I wait for the feeling to pass. It usually does. But then I smell the blood and see their faces.

I puke. My stomach heaves and won't seem to stop. Later, I roll over onto my back, drained and exhausted. Everything inside of me knows to call Justine to come get me and then shred my driver's license. But the stubborn part of me refuses. Yes, I've been hiding out from life. I know that. I don't need Noah or parental lectures to tell me that news bulletin.

That's why I left home.

I'm furious that Seth found a way to deal with his pain. That he spends some time playing basketball with some kids, and presto—he feels better. That's not fair. Taking orders and cleaning off tables doesn't do that for me. I'm furious he tried to fix me. Out of everyone, I thought maybe, just maybe, he'd be the one who wouldn't try to slap a Band-Aid on my life and think it would work.

The knowledge that there's more to Seth's side of the story gnaws at me, like a tiny mouse nibbling on crumbs in the corner of the restaurant kitchen late at night. He left. He's the one who ran away when his girlfriend's life fell apart. He was the one not committed enough to stick around and deal with the tough part. But as I think back at the raw pain haunting his eyes, and the fact that at least a part of him seems to understand what I'm going through, I'm confused.

For the first time in a long time I want to know the truth. Truth is a vague concept that twinkles far off the distance. Maybe if I fight hard enough I'll find it. I know where I need to start. I have to do this. I push up and stare at the rust spots on the Chevy.

"It's just you and me," I say to it.

Its sad state seems to nudge me forward. The dent in the side, the rust at the bottom whispers to me that it's okay not to be perfect. It's okay to carry the hurt. We all do. I take a deep breath and head toward the driver's side.

Soon, I'm back on the road. I keep the memories at bay, refusing to let them overwhelm me again. My hands are gripped so tight around the steering wheel that my fingers cramp. But I can't get them to loosen at all. The scenery starts to be more familiar. It's been a year.

I drive past the pool hall. I drive past the recreation fields. I drive past the laughter, the fooling around, the jokes, the smiles, the tears. I force my face into a mask and refuse the tears. The street names are the ones I've passed my whole life on my way to and from school.

It's good that Tate didn't answer his phone and that Justine was too busy to come get me. I need this. It's about time. I stop under a huge, drooping maple down the road from my driveway. For some reason, I can't look at my house. I can see it in my head, the black shutters, the white paint of the Cape, the crumbling stone steps leading into the house that Mom's wanted repaired for years.

I get out of the car, with a tremor in my legs. I walk to the sidewalk and stay in the safety of the maple. Finally, I look.

I blink again. The crumbling stairs are gone with new stone in its place. The house has been repainted and the driveway repaved. Life has gone on without me. I expected to return and for it to be the same. But it's not. This motivates me to follow through with what I came here to do.

My parents' cars are gone, but Tate's truck sits in the driveway. The red Ford is recognizable anywhere. He and Noah are friends, but it's easy to forget that outside of the relationship that Tate and I have had for the past six months.

I walk forward, my feet moving, pulling me closer, toward the truth. I might not be ready to hear what they have to say but I need this. If for no other reason than to prove to Seth that I haven't been wasting away for the past year. I don't want his sympathy. I don't want him feeling bad for me or guilty for leaving. That's in the past.

I climb the stone steps and pause at the front door. Do I enter or do I knock? The window is open and voices drift out. I shouldn't. I should enter so they know I'm here. But a part of me is curious. I crawl along the side of the house until I'm under the window.

They're talking about me.

At first, their voices are muffled but I hear my name between the grunts and disagreements. Their voices rise, and I hear Tate. "You know I don't agree with this, man."

Noah snorts. "Yes, you've told me multiple times, but you've had a crush on my sister for ages and readily agreed to everything last year."

"You're my friend first," Tate states. "You've been my friend since fourth grade, when you beat up Dustin McClane. Remember that?"

There's silence, and I know Noah remembers. Tate is one of his closest friends and we've heard that story over the years more than a few times. But what did Tate agree to? Unless I've blocked out my family and missed bigger things than the house being repainted and steps being fixed.

"Of course, I remember."

"Well," Tate says, "you gotta let go. You can't keep blaming yourself for everything. Move on, and let Haley live her life."

Noah's voice rises. "And you call what she's doing living?"

I cringe and want to run away, climb back in the car and drive back, but I don't move. The lure of their secrets refuses to let me go.

"You call what you're doing living?" Tate shoots back.

"This isn't about me. It's about Haley."

"That's where you're wrong. I've spent the past half a year getting to know your sister. She's stronger than you think. You need to stop messing with her life." Tate's voice lowers. "Leave her alone. She'll figure it all out. I promise."

Noah growls. "What are you trying to say? Just spit it out."

"I'm saying, I'm done. She broke it off with me. She deserves better anyway. She deserves the truth. From you."

"Fine. Thanks for stopping by. Let's keep in touch," Noah says. I hear his sarcasm, which he uses when he's mad and hurt.

"Noah. Come on, man. Stop doing this to yourself."

"Leave." Noah's voice turns to steel. Tate has no chance of reaching him now. Not today.

"Fine." His voice cracks a little. "But you're wrong about her."

They stop talking, and I realize that Tate's leaving. I scramble around the side of the house. His truck starts up moments later, and he drives away. Thankfully, he won't recognize Justine's car parked down the road.

I lean my head against the side of the house. Their words swim in my brain but I can't make sense of them. Now is not the best time, but I'm not sure I can make the drive out here again.

This time I don't knock, but nudge open the door, which Tate didn't shut all the way. I enter and lose my breath at the wave of memories and smells that hit me, the faded scent of Mom's favorite cinnamon candles, the air freshener. I bite my lip and push through them. I stand at the doorway to the living room. Noah sits on the couch, his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands. He doesn't know I'm here yet and for the first time in a long time, he's vulnerable. He's not hiding behind a mask of control. Maybe he doesn't have it as together as he leads people to believe.

"What's going on with you and Tate?" I ask softly.

He jerks his head up and shock is written all over his face. "What're you doing here?" He glances out the window and sees the empty driveway. "How'd you get here because I know you didn't drive."

"That's not important." The secrets hidden behind their words push me to ask questions. "I overhead your conversation."

Noah's face pales. Several times, he tries to talk but only manages a few words. I see his guilt.

"What's going on? What's going on with Tate?"

"Nothing."

I push him harder. "You must be doing something." I take a deep breath. It's time to say what I came for. "I'm sorry. I've spent so much time running this past year and avoiding you that I forgot to be your sister."

The truth hits me harder than I expected. How selfish I've been. We carry our hidden truths, the painful ones, but speaking them out loud makes them so much more real.

He catches my eyes with his. The guilt that resides there punches me in the gut. The truth haunts him. I can see it plain as day. Why does he feel guilty? I close my eyes and let their conversation replay in my mind. The dots connect, one by one. I remember my kisses with Tate. The lack of spark and passion. The fact that he coincidentally appeared in my life when I had no one. The fact that he and Noah have some kind of agreement.

"Oh, my God."

Noah stands. "Haley, I'm sorry. Let me explain."

A rush of anger takes the place of any compassion or feelings of love I was just feeling. It's a tidal wave that crashes against me. I tremble, the raw truth taking hold of my body and shaking me. It won't let go. I stay in control. Barely.

"How dare you?" I spit out. It's not a question. Because I know the answer. He's been controlling my life now for a while. He's always been the older protective brother but ever since the accident, it's been worse. "I'm not your project to fix."

Noah's face turns from guilty to mad. His eyes twitch and his jaw clenches. "Really? You're not?"

I don't respond at first, but the emotion and anger builds. "I can take care of myself. Stop messing with me. I'm perfectly happy with my life and don't need you to play therapist."

My words hang in the air, full of contradictions, because we both know I'm speaking lies.

He scoffs. "That's fine, then. Go play at your secret little hideaway home by the shore. Just remember you're not the only one hurting. You've shut out your family and your friends. Everyone! Did you ever think we need you too?"

His words send me past my breaking point. He realizes what he's said and reaches for me. "I'm sorry, Haley. That was stupid of me."

"No!" I don't let him touch me, because if he does I'll break, one way or the other. "I'm leaving now. And you're right. It was stupid of you because my friends are dead." I walk to the front door. "Don't call. Don't visit. And don't get another friend to be my playmate."

I slam the door. I stay in control until I reach the sidewalk and then I'm sprinting. I reach Justine's car and whip open the door. I pull a three-point turn and then screech off down the road, leaving behind the smell of rubber. I press the gas and speed back to what has been my home. I need to get back and into the routine I've established for myself. The day-to-day routines that have kept me sane for the past year.

But somehow, something's been broken. I'm pretty sure the routines aren't going to help. There's only one thing that will, except I'm not ready and I don't know if I ever will be.

I stand outside the door to my house. The cape is small but until this past year, it's all I've known. Most of my memories are happy, with a family I love. Emotion squeezes my chest, and I feel a sliver of regret for leaving them out of my life for the past year.

My hand has been on the doorknob for about five minutes. If there's one thing I've learned working with the kids this past year it's that you have to forgive. I'm not their therapist. I don't tell them to forgive some of the horrible things that happened in their lives, but I see it. I see the hatred and bitterness crawling through them, sucking the joy from their life.

It's much harder to forgive yourself. I can't hold others accountable—I know that now. But I can hold myself accountable and hold on to that blame so I never forget.

But Mom? I need to face this. Her. I need to forgive. Because right now, back in the area, I need my family. Because this, this part of my past, is the root of everything.

Before I can knock, the door opens. Mom stands, her brown hair is a bit longer, and there's a spark in her eyes that wasn't there when I left. She pulls me into a hug before I can say a word. She draws me close, and I can smell her perfume. It surrounds me.

"Hi, Mom." I can't meet her eyes. "Sorry I didn't stay long when I dropped off Katie."

She pulls away and squeezes my hand, then lets go. "You're here now and that's what matters. Come in, come in. I have some cookies somewhere."

I follow her into the kitchen. She's nervous. She bangs around in the cupboards and finally pulls out packaged cookies that are probably weeks old. She places them on the kitchen table and gestures to a chair.

"Is it working out with Katie?" I ask.

"Oh, yes. I love having her, but she's gone a lot. Glad she could use the extra bedroom."

"Good. I thought you two would get along."

"Please, sit. Would you like some tea or coffee?" She twists her fingers in her other hand. "If I'd known you were coming I'd have made some homemade iced-tea that you like." She keeps rambling on, apologizing for the state of the house and the fact that she hasn't vacuumed. She's patting her hair as if trying to find a spot for every loose strand.

"Mom."

She stops fiddling.

"Sit down."

She sits, but keeps smoothing down her hair.

"It's okay. I didn't come for the cookies." My throat is dry and I swallow what little spit is left in my mouth. I tap my fingers against table. I'm the one who's nervous now. "How've you been?"

While she searches for an answer, I glance around the kitchen for signs of my dad. But I don't see his wallet, keys, or sandals by the door. That's why there aren't any cookies. "Dad's not here, is he?" I ask softly.

Mom shakes her head. "We're still working things through."

I ask the tough question, the whole reason I'm here. "Are you still..." I can't say it. I can't ask if she's still hooking up with Carly's dad.

She shakes her head no.

This is so awkward. I stand up, desperately needing air. She stands too and follows me to the door. I turn and see the hope written on her face. Any remaining anger leaves me.

"We should get together for breakfast next week," I say.

Mom's eyes light up and sparkle in a way they weren't when she answered the door. "I'd love that."

"Great. I'll call."

I'm standing on the front steps and the awkward silence hangs between us. As I'm about to turn, she grabs my arm and pulls me into a fierce hug. "I'm sorry, Seth. For everything. I'm sorry this had to happen right when you were graduating. I wish I could take it back."

I cringe, remembering how angry I was last year, the night of graduation. Blinded by anger that my parents would do this to me. "No, I'm sorry. I understand."

And I did. Even the closest of relationships can go off track. No one wants them to, but all it takes is one word, one misunderstood conversation or one mistake. And then, something that was so wonderful gets derailed.

I give her one last hug. "I'll call you next week."

I climb into my car and hit the road. I feel a bit lighter, but at the same time, depression hits. My mistakes with Haley can't be smoothed over with one short conversation. I'm not ready to go back to my grandfather's shabby cabin, so I head to the pool hall. Yes. I have lots of memories here, but I deserve to feel rotten.

I walk in and the first thing I notice is Noah sitting at the bar. He stares in front of him but doesn't seem focused on any one thing in particular. All I want to do is hide out in the back and shoot some pool. I'm not looking for a fight. Especially not with Noah. But when the door slams closed behind me, he looks up. Our eyes connect, and I see the mixture of grief and anger pass over his face.

The way this day is going, the universe seems to want me to face every person in my life I've hurt or let down. Now that we've both recognized each other I can't ignore it. I walk over and slide onto the stool next to him.

He says nothing but signals for another beer. His fingers curl and uncurl into a fist while he waits. I expect him to turn any second and slug me one.

We sit in silence but it's not awkward. He doesn't want me here, or anywhere near Haley, but it's different this time, because I do plan on telling her everything, just not yet. I need at least a couple days when she doesn't completely hate me.

"Have you talked to her?" Noah breaks the silence.

"Earlier today."

Noah grips the bottle, his knuckles turning white. "What happened?"

"Nothing really." Haley doesn't need her brother knowing everything, so I decide not to tell him what happened.

Noah laughs, but it comes out harsh and brittle, like an old man's. "I doubt that. When Haley's upset, it usually has something to do with you."

He's tense, but beneath all that I sense he's scared. There's a note of desperation behind his questions. What happened with Haley?

I steady my voice. "Where's Haley?"

He shrugs and takes a long pull on the bottle, which I notice is just root beer.

I try a different approach. "You know that's not the answer."

"Don't even bother lecturing me until you've made things right with my sister."

"That's fine. Where is she?"

Noah snorts. "Who knows."

My pulse increases. My skin prickles with fear of the unknown. "I know you hate me. But if something's wrong with Haley, you have to let me know."

"Why?"

"Because I might be the only one who can reach her, who can understand," I say. "What happened?"

He sighs. "Fine. I made a mistake and she's mad at me. But she'll get over it."

The fear grips my heart. Haley might've been able to handle a mistake Noah made but what he doesn't know is that I made a mistake too. I pissed her off. I reach for my phone.

**Me** : Hey where are you?

I slide the phone back in my pocket and pray she answers. Noah finishes off his drink and looks at me for the first time. Shadows darken his eyes, and the misery drips off him.

"Find her," he says.

That's all I need. I don't wait for a text back. I grip Noah's shoulder. "Thanks."

I race to my car and head back to the shore. I'll start at the restaurant and then check the ocean. Maybe Justine knows where to find her. If she's carrying this weight on her, and I've made it worse by returning to town and trying to fix her the easy way, then I need to tell the truth right away.

Everything.

Even if she hates me forever once I do.

I love her too much. An ache resides in my heart, and I slam my hand against the dashboard. I want to take her pain. All of it. It was all my fault.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I'll make it right."

I press my foot on the gas and speed through the streets. Everything I've known rushes past. The elementary school playground where Kama, Brin and I drank wine coolers the end of our junior year. The rec fields where we played soccer once with the guys. I stifle a sob and a laugh as I think back on that one afternoon. Seth, Carter, and Jamie, playing dirty, losing their shorts. I pass the pool hall. I can't even begin to go through all the memories I have in that place.

I take slow deep breaths. I miss that. I crave that. I just want to go back in time, push rewind and take back the last year, because last year at this time my friends and I were hanging out. I was considering my future with Seth. All it took was one event to trigger the whole night and the disaster that happened.

What if Justine didn't have a party? What if I hadn't fought with Seth? What if it hadn't been raining? What if. What if. What if. The words scream inside my head. The grief swirls inside, pushing, pressing, wanting release. It's been bottled up for months because I've refused to let it out. I've refused to cry or scream or even utter the words that life is unfair, because I was the one who lived. I'm the one still breathing, moving, and living life. I still have my future ahead of me. If I want, I have the chance to go to college, to get married, to have kids, to play with grandkids.

If I want it.

But I don't.

Because life isn't fair. I should've died that night. I might as well have because my life ended even though my heart still beats in my chest, even though every second of every day of every month I breathe air in and I breathe it out. I move through life, an impostor, someone who shouldn't be here.

Someone lays on the horn, and I swerve the car and press the gas at the same time. I drive right through a stop sign. My heart shoots up into my throat and the pulse roars in my ears. I suck in ragged breaths to get control. But living on the edge like this, pushing the envelope of life feels good.

I'm out of control. And I like it.

Noah and Tate's words ring through my head. Even though I went out with Tate and pretended to have a life, it was a lie. Noah asked him to be my friend and act interested so I'd get out and live.

The rage pulses through my body. It's not something I can define. It's not as simple as being angry at my brother for playing a prank on me. He created a life for me that wasn't real. He tried to sugar coat my days so I'd forget. But doesn't he realize that that moment stays with me every second of every day? It's always there, pulsing in the background, reminding me. Taunting me.

If minutes go by and I forget? The shame falls fast and heavy. I can't ever forget what I did and what I left behind.

I leave the perimeter of my town, of my memories, and slam my hand against wheel. My eyes are swollen and the tears have been streaming down my cheeks even if I've been too caught up to recognize them. This pain is different. It's raw and exposed. It breaks through the frozen layers of my heart. I need it. Desperately.

I careen down the road, taking corners with a screech and barely paying attention to where I'm going. I spin the wheel to turn right toward Shore Drive and I lose control. The car can't quite make it, and I zoom forward.

I see the telephone pole and slam on the brakes, for as much as I talk about not deserving to live, I'm scared to die. Deep down I'm a coward. I ran from everything. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't apologize. I just ran.

The car pushes forward on its own and I hear the crash and feel the impact as the airbag deploys and slams into me. I don't move. The smell of burnt rubber stains the air and as hard as I push against the door, it won't open. I turn my head to the side. It already throbs and my body pounds with pain.

"I'm sorry," I whisper. Too little too late. The tears make silent tracks and drip into my mouth and down my neck.

But then I hear the whining screech of brakes and a horn. I can't even turn my head to see what's coming.

I don't scream. Not until I feel the crash and hear the twisting of metal. Pain shoots through my head and the other side of the car crunches inwards and presses against me.

I hear shouts and bangs. Someone is yelling but I can't move. Darkness surrounds me. Blood is in the back of my throat. More banging and then the splinter of glass. A hand touches my cheek. The words are blurred and I can't seem to get my mouth to move. Words tumble out but they are jibberish.

Metal rips with a loud shredding noise and then hands are around my shoulder and I'm being carried.

That's the last I remember.

I jump in my car and race back toward Shore Drive. I take the streets and drive past the spots Haley might go. If she hadn't been in town since last year, she might visit our old haunts. Maybe. I don't want to think about the alternative. I haven't been around her long enough to know how she's been living. Has she been in denial this whole past year? Or living with the guilt every day? My biggest fear hovers over me, sending shivers down my back.

What if the combined efforts of her brother and me both making huge mistakes in judgment send her over the edge?

One thought taunts me. She drove. I doubt she's barely set foot in a car this past year, never mind drive one. The urge to find her rises and it's all I can think about. I need to see her and hold her whether she wants me to or not. I ran away last time without telling her the truth. This time, I'll find her. I'll tell her the whole truth so she can start living again.

Sirens wail in the distance and my heart rate spikes. I keep driving, scanning the roads. Maybe she stopped and decided to walk. Maybe she texted Justine to come pick her up. I pull over and call Justine on her phone.

"Hello," she says.

"It's Seth." My voice is hoarse. I clear it and ask, "Is Haley there?"

"No. Is everything okay? Seth?"

I drop the phone on the front seat. Justine's voice echoes but I don't pick it up. I focus on the road and driving. Both hands on the wheel. I see the twisted hunk of metal first and I know from the horrified feeling in the pit of my stomach that it's her. I screech to a stop and get out.

The last of interested by passers stop milling around and get back in their cars. The tow truck pulls in seconds after me.

Justine's old Chevy is crashed into a pole, the front end crunched like a child's toy. The other side is smashed in. It would be almost impossible to live through a crash like that. I'm walking at first and then I break into a run. Shards of glass litter the ground. My feet crunch on them. A burnt rubber smell hangs in the air, and I race to the driver's side. My heart is in my throat, and I struggle to breathe.

I reach the side and peer through the jagged glass.

Nothing.

The window has been shattered, the door wrenched open, and whoever was inside is gone. Hopefully, whoever hit her, brought her to the hospital. I race back to my car and jump inside. Without thinking I'm on my way to the closest hospital. My hands loosen and tighten around the wheel. Pain shoots through my head until I realize my jaw is clenched tight. I try to relax but it's impossible. Haley doesn't have a car. She had to have been driving Justine's.

It would be so easy to leave town. Avoid this. Go back west with Katie and pretend this never happened. This nightmare was supposed end, not get worse.

Those thoughts flicker through my mind, but that's all they are. I'm not leaving. My love for Haley hasn't changed one bit even though I haven't seen her in a year. The time I've spent with her confirms that. We're still tentative, but love is like that. It needs time, to heal, to forgive.

We can't be what we were. She'll never want to see me again. But love is sacrifice, and I love her enough that I don't care about me. It's only her. Her happiness. I laugh at myself but it sounds empty. It took a year for me to figure out love. Last year it was all about me and my needs and my future.

Now, it's about hers. I don't care about me. If she can move forward in life in peace, I'll do anything.

I rip through the parking lot and whip into a spot. I'm pretty sure I leave my keys in the ignition in the car. Then I'm running. I weave between the cars, my feet pounding while fear does a number on me. I'm shaky and out of breath by the time I arrive in the lobby and land in front of the desk.

The lady wears bright red lipstick. That's all I can focus on.

"May I help you?" she asks.

"Haley. What room is she in?"

"Last name, please." She's clicking through on her computer.

I sense the stares of the few people sitting in chairs, as if I'm bypassing their wait time. "Sparks. Haley Sparks."

She shakes her head, her lips curved in a frown as if she already knows it's bad news.

"She would've just arrived," I say, my voice pleading. "Bad car accident."

The lady's face pales and she presses her mouth together as if she doesn't then the bad news will spill out.

I reach across the desk and grab her arm. "What's wrong?" I mean to ask nicely but my voice is loud and echoes through the lobby.

She tilts her head and smiles weakly with pity she can't hide. "I don't know, dear. Her name hasn't even popped into the computer yet."

Fear spirals inside and black spots dance in my periphery. Then it hits me. The emergency room. That's where she would be.

"If you'll take a seat—"

But I'm gone. I sprint across the room to the big double doors and crash through them. I bump into a nurse and her tray of food falls to the ground. People yell at me to stop but I can't. I have to find her.

"Haley!" I scream through the hallways. A red sign blinks, indicating the emergency room. It's a beacon calling me home like the lighthouse on a dark stormy night.

My eyes focus on the red light. I'm running again. She'll be there. Someone can tell me she's okay. I'm almost to the door when someone wraps their arms around my waist and drops me to the ground.

I fight and throw my arms and kick my legs. "Let me up," I yell. Several men surround me.

Strong hands grip my wrists and ankles and I can't move. A face appears above mine. It's a man. His grayish blond hair is cut short and sticks up in the front. He's a big guy. Probably played football but now he wears scrubs.

"Let me up," I whisper. I beg.

His voice is calming. "I can't do that while you're struggling. You need to calm down. Whoever you're here to see, you can't help them like this. I get it. Someone you love might be hurt. How about when I let go, you stand up on your own. I'll walk with you to the desk through the doors."

I breathe deep. My chest shudders.

"That's the only way I can help you."

I nod. One by one, the grips on my limbs loosen and let go. I tense, wondering if I should just push past them, but he's willing to help, so I tentatively stand. My whole body hurts.

"Okay. I'm ready."

He nods to the other staff, who leave us alone. Then with a firm hand on my arm, he leads me through the doors of the emergency room and triage. We approach the desk, and I'm about to open my mouth and ask but my words are cut short. Doors swing open from triage and nurses rush through, pushing a bed on wheels. They're shouting words that mean nothing to me.

I see the oxygen mask and I see the tubes and the beeping machines. I see the dark brown hair. My chest heaves and I sob.

Haley is wheeled past and I don't know if she's about to die or not.

The same nurse holds my arms and forces me to look into his eyes. "Son, I'm going to see you through this. The best way you can help is to stay here and wait. As soon as I know anything, I'll come tell you myself."

I nod and he rushes off. I stumble across the small room and fall into a chair. My body shakes. This is partly my fault again. The air from outside rushes past, sending goosebumps down my arm.

I sit and stare. At the tiled floor and the black scuff marks. At the nurse standing behind the desk. Every few minutes the right corner of her lip twitches, and then she tucks her hair behind her ears. At the clock on the wall and the second hand slowly ticking, bit by bit. When the panic rises in my chest, I count the seconds as they pass by. I'm not sure how long I can do this.

Where's Haley's family? In the most unselfish thing I've done in days, I call their house. No one answers, and I leave a message for them to come to the hospital because Haley was in a car accident. When I press End and slip the phone back into my pocket, I hang my head to hide the shame. This feels exactly like one year ago, when Haley ran from her room. The memory of her heart-rending cry when she realized Brin and Kama didn't survive pierces my heart. When I failed her and ran like a coward.

I dig my heels into the floor. I'm not leaving this time. Her family can hate me. They should. Noah can beat the crap out of me. I deserve it. But I have to know she's okay.

The second hand goes on ticking.

I stare at the door where she was wheeled. The nurse promised. He promised he'd come talk to me. I remember his nametag. Todd. That's his name. He seemed like a trustworthy guy. He'll come out. Any second the door will open and Todd will step out with a smile on his face. He'll walk across the room and hold out his hand and help me stand. Then he'll give me a quick guy hug and tell me she'll be fine.

Machines beep on high alert and a doctor rushes down the hall and into Haley's room.

I stop breathing.

Todd will come out of the room any second. He'll explain exactly what happened so I can breathe again. I stare harder at the door, paralyzed, unable to think about anything else. A part of me wishes for Carter and Jamie and that I hadn't cut them out of my life. I turned away from anything that reminded me of her and of that night. But I could use a friend. I could use Haley.

The second hand rounds the twelve. How many minutes have passed since the doctor rushed into her room? I don't know.

The door opens and I suck in a breath.

The nurses and doctors leave in a slow stream, their faces downcast. A pit of terror forms in my stomach and strangles my throat. I don't see Todd. He promised. Where's Todd?

And then he walks out the door and heads right toward me, but there's no smile. Only the uncomfortable grimace of a man who has bad news to share. How many times has he had to do this? Does he practice this in the mirror at home? A look that doesn't have too much pity? Sadness rolls off him, and the lines around his eyes tell me he's had to do this too many times.

He stops in front of me but instead of helping me up, he sits on the floor beside me. We sit in silence. I want to ask, but the words choke in my throat.

"What's your name?"

"Seth," I whisper, on the verge of losing it.

"Seth, I'm sorry. We tried everything but the injuries were too extensive. All her internal organs were affected. She experienced too much trauma." He pauses and I can sense his dread and despair at this part of his job. "She passed away. Her organs shut down. There was nothing we could do."

I stare at the clock. The second hand is at the nine and heading back up to the twelve. It keeps going and going and going. Time passes. I can't stop it and I can't rewind it.

"Seth?" Todd's voice is calm and reassuring. He's done this too many times. I can tell. "Is there someone I can call for you?"

Somehow I choke out the words. "No, I've got it." Who would I call? Katie's the only one.

"I'm really sorry. Jacqueline seemed like a wonderful girl."

"What was her name?" I ask. My heart races and powerful shudders take over my body.

"Jacqueline Sanders. Her wallet was on her."

His words explode inside of me. My chest heaves as the breath rushes through. I lean over, the sobs pouring out. I can't control them. I get on my knees, trying to suck in ragged breaths.

Todd pats my back. His words slide over me and I can't really listen. He tries to console me. Finally, I'm able to talk. "I'm looking for Haley. Haley Sparks."

Understanding dawns on his face. He places a gentle grip on my arm and leads me to the desk. He talks to the nurse and is able to find the answers I've wanted since I walked through the door.

This time he turns and the lines from around his eyes are gone. Instead the lines around his mouth beam down at me. His eyes sparkle with life. This is the kind of news he likes to share. "Well, Seth. Haley Sparks was just brought up to the main hospital wing. Her family's with her." He claps his hand on my shoulder. "Why don't you go up to see her? I don't know her condition, but if she's out of the emergency room then she's heading to recovery."

I nod and stumble away. The shock is still reeling through my system. I shuffle back through the door and the lobby to the elevator. I veer toward the stairs because this is all too reminiscent of that night, when I came to visit Haley, and Carter and I heard the news in the elevator. I let the door to the stairwell slam behind me. The sterile white walls pass and I take the steps one at a time.

The relief and excitement pulse through me but with every step I slow. The doubts creep in. I've wanted to do this over again for the past year and now I have my chance. I'll walk into her room and sit by her bed and say the words I should've a year ago. This time I'm not running, even though with every step, my nerves catapult through the roof and I'm shaking.

I keep moving forward. A step at a time.

The nurses leave. The doctors check my pain level and administer more drugs. I welcome it. I can float away and sleep. I can forget the real pain because everything hurts. My head, my arms, my legs, and deep inside, my heart.

Funny thing about death. It seems to come so unexpectedly to those who aren't looking for it. They're not thinking this could be their last day on earth. They drink their coffee, go to work, or hang with their friends. They laugh. They talk. They easily forget about the people they've hurt, even a little bit, because there's always time to say sorry. Always tomorrow. They don't seek out their family members and forgive them.

Forgiveness is powerful, and when we hurt, we wield this gift like a weapon, choosing to slice and dice as we please. Sometimes, all people want is that smile and the words of forgiveness that follow. Sometimes that's the hardest gift to give or receive.

That's all I want. To see Brin and Kama, their smiles, and hear that they forgive me, but this life hurts. The pain stabs to the very core of me and never lets me forget. It becomes part of who I am and who I will be tomorrow. It grips and squeezes until I can bear it no longer.

Death would've been a gift. I should've been with them last year. But just because I was the driver, the way the car spun, the speed of the other vehicle, the angle we hit—I survived. Somehow I was protected. And it happened again. How does fate step in twice to protect my life when I never asked for it?

The door opens but I lay still.

The person crosses the room and drags a chair to the side of my bed.

"Hey, sis."

I'm mad at Noah. He betrayed me. He asked Tate to hang out with me, making this whole past year a lie. But for some reason while he talks and tries to explain why he did what he did, I don't feel the anger. Maybe I released it all on my drive. Maybe the accident and my third chance at life took it all away.

He keeps talking. He's explaining. The words float around me. I squeeze his hand and he stops talking.

"Noah," I croak. "It's okay."

He falls silent. "I'm glad you're okay and I'll stop interfering."

We sit for a long time, and I realize how foolish I've been to run from my family. Noah might've needed me this past year as much as I pretended I didn't need him. But that will change. Starting today. He kisses my cheek. His tears wet my face. He leaves and my parents enter.

Mom cries and hugs me even though pain shoots through my head. I groan and Dad pulls her off. I reach out and grab her hand.

"I'm sorry." The words scrape out my throat and I'm afraid she didn't hear. I might not have the strength to say them again. The drugs are starting to take effect. "Sorry I ran away."

Mom leans over and hugs me. Her tears wet my cheek, but I don't care. Or maybe they're mine. She whispers in my ear. "We're just glad you're okay. We love you and are here for you."

Dad sends Mom out and then sits where Noah sat. He takes my hand but this feels different.

"Are you up for visitors?"

For the first time, I open my eyes all the way. I blink at the bright fluorescent lights. If Justine were outside he wouldn't ask like this. He'd check with the doctors to make sure I could handle it. Obviously he's already done that and now he's asking for my permission.

"Who?" I ask.

"Seth."

My heart flutters and nerves coil in my stomach. I can't even remember why I'm mad at him. I nod and close my eyes.

"I'll make sure he doesn't stay long, because you need to sleep."

Dad leaves and the door shuts. I wrap the end of the sheet around and around my finger. I don't know what to say and I'm afraid. I close my eyes, waiting.

The door opens and closes. Footsteps whisper across the tiles and the legs of the chair scrape as it's pulled out and then back close to the bed. I crack an eye. His head bent down, Seth's black hair is mussed and hides his face. I close my eyes again. The pain meds start taking hold. I battle sleep because I never get this Seth, the one who shares everything with me.

"I'm so glad you're okay." His words stutter out and his voice is breathy like he ran a marathon. "I have to talk to you." His deep breath rattles in his throat, before he plunges forward. "I'm sorry about last year. I never came to visit you. I was wrong. I was wrong to run away and not talk to you for a year."

The rumble of his voice stops. It's followed by a long silence. I think I fade in and out of sleep because when I wake, he's still talking. What have I missed?

His voice cracks, and sobs slip out between his words. His hand touches mine, his palm sweaty and shaky. "That's why I ran and couldn't face it and wasn't there for you."

What? I want to scream because I wasn't awake to hear him. I try to talk but just mumble. He squeezes my hand again then the pressure loosens. Sleep pulls me under again.

Before I drop off, I hear his last words. "I'm taking care of a few last things and then I'm leaving. This time for good. You can live and love again. Please, Haley." His voice is desperate. "Don't live with the guilt anymore. Brin and Kama wouldn't want this for you and neither do I."

He might've said more, but I wasn't awake to hear it.

When I wake the pain has dulled and the fuzziness and confusion has faded. Morning light spills in through the window. It's the next day. I remember my talk with Noah and my family and peace fills me. Seth was here, but his words float in and out my memory like the tide. I turn toward the clock. Truth whams into me. My chest squeezes. It's the next day. The day.

The memorial service is happening now. My chance to face my past, to face Brin and Kama, and say goodbye. I buzz the nurse.

She slips in with a tray of food and a bright cheery smile. "Ready for a bite."

I push up in my bed, hiding any flickers of pain. "I need your help. I need to leave."

Her smile changes to uncertainty and she glances at the door. She seems young with blue eyes and a stylish cut, probably fresh out of nursing school.

"Aren't I allowed to sign myself out? I'm nineteen." I remind her.

"You're supposed to be released later today after the doctor makes his rounds."

"Please," I beg. "There's something I have to do right now. Someplace I need to be." Even if I'm late I can still say goodbye and say I'm sorry. Maybe they'll still hear me. And maybe, just maybe, I can start to forgive myself.

The nurse tries to talk me out of it. I interrupt her. "What if while I eat, you tell me exactly what my injuries are."

She concedes to this and while I shovel applesauce in my mouth, she enters a safety zone and reads off my injuries. Except she starts listing these fancy names.

"In English?" I ask between bites.

"Basically, it's a miracle you survived. Your body is bruised from the impact, you have lacerations that will heal, and you have a slight concussion. You need to take it easy for a couple days."

I push the tray away. "So, if I go slow and take it easy, I'm okay to walk around. What if I call a friend to drive me?"

At first, I thought she'd concede, but this new young nurse seems afraid of breaking the rules. Finally, she shakes her head and gives me a firm no. She says she'll check on me later and she'll try to get the doctor in to see me first on rounds. Then she leaves.

I reach for my phone and text Justine.

Come get me. Bring the invitation. Please.

I don't have long. The nurse won't stay away forever but she also doesn't expect me to leave. I untie the hospital gown and let it drop to the floor. I gasp. Ugly yellowing and purple bruises stretch along my arms and legs and shoulders where the airbag hit me. My fingers reach for the butterfly bandages that keep the skin closed on the left side of my face where pieces of glass slashed through like I was paper.

The dull ache in my head comes and goes. I grit my teeth and get dressed as fast as I can. I peek out the door and wait for there to be a lull in the activity. The best way to leave is to act normal, like I should be walking away. My heart beats so loud, it's like an alarm. On shaky legs, I walk down the hall and slip into the stairwell. I lean against the wall and take some deep breaths.

I can do this.

Slowly, I make it down the stairs. With each step I adjust to the dull pain. By the time I reach the main floor I walk through like I'm a visitor. No one studies my face too closely or even thinks I'm escaping.

Justine texts back.

I'm here.

The doors open automatically with a whoosh, and I walk through and into the fresh breeze. Justine sits behind the wheel of her uncle's truck. She spots me, jumps out, and runs. In two seconds, she's next to me, holding me gently. "Thank God you're okay."

"I'll pay for the car. Sorry about that."

She leads me into the front seat. "Don't worry about it. That ugly thing needed to go a long time ago. But I want to hear everything."

The envelope, faded and worn now, rests on the front seat. I pick it up and keep it in my hand as I tell her about my visit home and Noah and Tate.

"Wow," she says. "I can't believe it."

I rub the envelope. Out of the corner of my eye, Justine watches, and I tuck the envelope into my back pocket. I don't know if I'm ready. Doubt seizes me and I panic. "Are you sure I should go?"

Justine doesn't hesitate. "Yes. You were their best friend. You need to be there."

I stare out the window. Time to face my mistakes. I have no idea if I'm ready.

I hang at the back of the memorial service. No one will see me. I am a vapor, a breath of wind.

It's been almost one year. One year of complete hell for all of us. How is it that life is like lightning, choosing when and where to strike, without any warning? The rolls of thunder echo and thick black clouds form in the sky, yet we still think it won't be us. We walk through the storm unscathed and blameless.

Until it's us.

Flowers, all kinds of flowers, decorate the front of Kama's parents' church. They overflow the stage and the steps and continue into the aisles. The pungent smell turns my stomach, all the different scents mixing together. But what strikes my heart are the poster-sized pictures of Kama and Brin. Their senior pictures. Their bright eyes and smiles reach in and grab my heart and wrench it from my chest.

Classmates trickle in. I see the hugs and the cheek kisses, the smiles. Some are forced but some are genuine after a year of not seeing each other. They laugh and share the news from the past year. I blinked and high school was over. We thought it would go on forever. We thought we'd all graduate and go on to college. I was so sure of everything, of my life, and my relationship with Haley. In a heartbeat that all changed.

Carter and Jamie arrive together, and I shrink farther into the shadows. Luckily, everyone focuses on each other, and they block out the tragic reason they're all together. They don't see me. Carter knows. Last year I couldn't stand that he knew the truth. I ran. I didn't leave any numbers or addresses, and I never texted back. Eventually they stopped. I owe them an apology, but I'm not sure if the rift between us can be repaired. Some things can't be fixed.

The room grows more crowded, and it's harder to pick out the people I know. Teachers sit with former students. Family members mix with the people who barely knew Kama and Brin.

Kama's parents sit in the front. They don't mingle but fold their hands and bow their heads. Kama's mom's blonde hair causes a twinge in my chest. She's so much like Kama. It's as if I could rest my arm over her shoulder, talk to her, and I'd be talking to Kama. Brin's mom sits next to Kama's mom. They hug. Her shoulder-length brown hair is straight as a pin and she's dressed up. I take her in, amazed at the difference.

Brin's mom was a wreck. Everyone knew that. But this woman is different. She exudes a quiet confidence and acts it. They talk like old friends, hugging and wiping the occasional tear. My throat tightens as I realize that everyone fell apart after the accident, but some have managed to climb from the pit of despair and use it for the better.

I feel the desire to talk to Kama and Brin. Sit down and tell them everything. All the thoughts I've been running from. Even if they can't hear me. I'm about to leave for the graveyard early when she enters.

At first, she stands at the doorway, timid and pale. The sunlight behind her frames her body and she looks like an angel. My heart beats and love floods through me. Justine is at her side and holds her arm. They take a tentative step forward. Haley pulls on Justine's arm and whispers to her, glancing at the exit.

Justine whispers back, then leads her forward. She keeps pulling her long hair forward as if hoping no one sees her. But they will. And I know our class. No one blames her. I'm glad I told Haley everything in the hospital. Maybe I should've waited until she was out of the hospital but I didn't trust myself. I had to do it while I had the courage to speak the truth. I didn't even wait for her reaction but left right away. I'll be gone by tonight.

I can't keep my eyes off her. She's thinner and the sparkle in her eyes and the aura of joy she carried with her has faded. Her eyes flick nervously from person to person. Justine kisses her cheek and sends her off into the crowds.

She floats like a lost angel through the people. They smile. They hug her and I know they speak words of encouragement. Tears wet my cheeks but it's because I'm so happy she's here. She reached this place, and if my confession had something to do with that then I made the right decision. As she makes her way to the front I can't keep her in my sight. I inch along the wall, not wanting to draw any attention. I don't want anyone to see me. I can't keep my eyes off her. It's like I've been in a desert for years and Haley is my oasis.

I hide behind a pillar and peek around the side. Her fingers twitch nervously and I see her close her eyes and take a few deep breaths. She winces when Jamie comes up from behind her and hugs her. She must be bruised and sore, and it takes everything in me not to rush forward and keep anyone from hurting her, even if they don't realize it. They talk for a few minutes. The whole time Haley is watching Kama and Brin's parents who are only a few feet away.

Finally, Haley gently hugs him again and stands next to Kama's parents who are on the outer edge. She doesn't say a word and doesn't move to touch their shoulder. My heart squeezes. I want to hold her hand and whisper words of encouragement in her ear. It would be so easy for her to walk away especially since they don't notice her. She coughs and Kama's mom turns.

Immediately, she stands and wraps her arms around Haley. It only takes a few minutes before Haley's body is shaking. Kama's mom rubs her back and then Kama's dad is there too and wraps his arms around them both. Haley's whole body shudders and they don't let go of her. She has needed this more than anything. A few of our friends notice and whisper.

More tears wet my cheeks. This was so hard for her to do but maybe this means she's willing to accept the truth that it was me, not her. She can let the guilt float away on the breeze.

When Kama's parents let go of her, she steps toward Brin's mom. This time Haley makes the first move. She drops to her knees in front of Brin's mom and her lips move, the words tumbling out. I don't know what she's saying, but the tension in her face relaxes, and peace takes its place. The minister taps the microphone and welcomes everyone. Haley slides in next to Brin's mom, who has her arm around Haley.

I am jealous. I want to be there, to hold her, to comfort her. But I lost that place last year when I ran, when I caused everything. While everyone finds seats, I need to make my exit. With my head down, I move slowly to the back and leave. If I stay, I'll completely lose it. The words build in my chest. I need to talk with Brin and Kama. I haven't been able to say a word to them all year. It's like my heart was frozen and all my feelings were trapped in that block of ice.

Slowly and surely, I'm thawing. I desperately need to apologize, even though that won't bring them back or give them a second chance. Now more than ever I need this. To let go. To take responsibility.

Even if it means I lose everything too.

I'm vaguely aware of the tiny details. The smell of roses and carnations and lilies lining the front of the church. The chatter and whispers of my high school classmates behind me. The smell of my own fears. The pounding in my head and the small pulses of pain in my body from Jamie's hug.

Those details swirl in the air and swarm my senses. I'm here at their memorial service but I haven't looked at their picture yet and I haven't opened the invitation, which is still in my pocket. I know what it says but I don't need the words branded into my brain. I'm afraid that's all I'll remember from this day, and there's so much more I want to remember. So much more.

I feel like a ghost. Like my body is here and I'm looking down from above as I entered and smiled and acted like the past year was great. They smiled at me. They hugged me. But they all avoided the issue. With me. In their circles when they didn't know I was there, they were sharing stories about Kama and Brin. They were laughing and remembering in a way that I haven't been able to. I can't go there. I haven't let myself.

But maybe I need that. I desperately crave that. To laugh and remember them without the fog blinding me from what I loved about them the most.

But I can't. Not when I'm here, and they're not.

Brin's mom squeezes my hand and tears spring to my eyes. She wants to say something. I want to say I'm sorry and beg her forgiveness. Now's the moment. I might not get another chance. The minister is about to speak and then we'll all sing and move onto refreshments. The crowds will swallow me as Justine makes sure I'm facing everyone. Isn't that the goal? Isn't that the whole reason I'm here? To talk? To move on?

The words build in my chest and my heart rate spikes. My palms grow sweaty and I pull my hand away from Brin's mom and wipe it on my pants. I swallow the huge lump in my throat.

"I'm sorry," I say. But someone coughs behind us and my words are swallowed as if I never spoke them. Brin's mom is staring at the picture of her daughter, lost in the past. She didn't hear my weak apology.

Doubts crashes in. How can I do this? I shouldn't even be here. The guilt and shame ripples across my neck and face.

The room hushes as the pastor walks down the aisle. I want to run but I can't now. It's too late. He makes his way through the flowers and stands at the podium. I glance at Justine about five rows back. She air hugs me. I can't believe I'm here, and I haven't even opened the envelope. It's too late now. The tearing of paper would be too loud. Brin and Kama's mom would see that I haven't even read it.

The pastor reads from the bible and then launches into his speech. The words fall on my dry and brittle heart. I block him out.

Kama's mom whispers to me. "Thank you so much for today. It must be hard but the girls would love it, and I know they're looking down from heaven and listening."

"You're welcome." I say the words but I'm not sure at our exchange. I had nothing to do with today. In fact, I almost didn't come. No one should be thanking me.

Kama's mom isn't done. "We wouldn't have been able to move on without the mystery behind this being wrapped up."

I choke. They must've finally come to the conclusion that it was me. Driving carelessly in the rain after my boyfriend.

"So it's proper and fitting that you're here." She pats my knee. "We tried for months to contact you. We talked to your parents and they said they'd relay the message."

Guilt wraps its hands around my neck and squeezes. I close my eyes and take deep breaths. They figured out it was me, couldn't find me, so talked to my parents. Except, I've been ignoring my parents all year, refusing to listen to what they have to say. They wanted me to come home and talk, that they had things they needed to share with me. I'd assumed the worst and dove into waitressing or hanging out with Tate.

Everyone starts clapping, softly at first. Brin's mom hugs me and then Kama's does too. I stare at them, unsure of what prompted their show of affection.

"It's your turn," Kama's mom says.

I glance back at Justine who grimaces but gives me a thumbs-up. The pastor has stepped aside and the microphone is alone, the space in front of it empty. People lean forward in their pews, the pastor smiles kindly, patiently. Expectation is written on their faces. They want to hear my story, my struggles. The realization that I'm supposed to talk sinks in. The curiosity burns in their eyes. They want to hear from the girl who killed her best friends and then dropped out of life.

I have to take shallow breaths to prevent hyperventilation.

The church is silent. The microphone squeaks as someone plays around with the volume. They're waiting. Each second feels like an eternity in hell as I swallow and try to grasp what I've walked into. Stares burn into the back of my head, people waiting, curious, anxious at the impromptu invitation to speak.

The pastor introduces me as a dear and cherished friend of Brin and Kama's. I still can't look at their pictures, their perma-smiles or the bright gleam in their eyes. I'm not sure how it happens but I'm standing and walking on shaky legs up to the platform. The pastor mumbles something but I can't hear him beyond the roaring in my ears. Then I'm standing at the microphone and I don't even know how I got here. I need to let them know it's a mistake. Carter or Jamie can give the speech. They knew Kama and Brin, too, and it turns out they were much better friends.

A lone drop of sweat rolls between my shoulder blades. But more builds on my forehead. My body is on fire. The heat burns through my clothing. I stare down at the program, at the smiling faces, but all I see are the blank vacant looks in their eyes the moment they died. The paper crumples as my fingers close around it.

The microphone picks up my breathing and squeals again. I lift my head and feel like a deer in headlights, staring at the faces of my classmates. The place is flooded with people. Family, friends, teachers, community members. Waiting. They want me to remember for them. But I can't. The memories are locked away.

For a second, I can't breathe, and I step away. The pastor hands me a glass of water. My hands slide around the cool glass and I take a sip. Then I press it to my forehead and cheeks. I step forward again. The faces blur in front of me. I see all of them. Carly sits in the middle. Her face is pale. My parents and Noah are in the back, probably furious that I left the hospital. Jamie and Carter sit with their pals.

Seth isn't here.

I flash back to the hospital. Maybe it's this moment he was talking about. Trying to tell me to come and talk because then I'd feel better. I'd be able to say my goodbyes, find closure. And what did he say? I'd be able to move on and live and love. Without him. He was moving on or away. Something like that.

My face burns but my mind is blank. I can't see past that night. Rain pelts and blurs my vision. The sound of metal crunching and the feel of losing control and spinning and rolling. The scream of sirens. And the whispers.

The dam in my heart breaks. The tears start and I can't stop them. I stand there in front of everyone, my head down. The carpet patterns go in and out of focus at my feet. I try to control the tears, to gather myself together but I can't. I can't see past my last moments with them.

The car was upside down. For some crazy reason, as the driver, I was protected as I was earlier. The car had been hit from the side. The window shattered into Brin's face, and the blood dripped down her face, her neck and seeped into her clothing.

I remember screaming. I reached for her and called her name. She rolled her head to the side, the life slipping from her eyes.

"Don't you dare! You hold on. Help is coming." Those are the words I said over and over again. Then I glanced in the back seat. Kama didn't move, her face still. Her eyes gazing off. No life. No life. That's what I remember. The look of someone who'd left this earth. And I didn't get a chance to save her or call for help.

"Haley!" Brin croaked.

I focused on her. My hands reached toward her and I grabbed napkins to try and sop up the blood. She tried to talk but then her body seized, shaking violently. Her eyes rolled back and her face turned red and then purple. I screamed her name. The rain kept coming in through the window. I hugged. My arms reaching across the space between us. The shaking stopped and she didn't say another word.

That was it. I didn't get a chance to say sorry or that I loved them. Within seconds my friends went from living and breathing souls to just gone. Their bodies were shells and I sat with them for over an hour because the car was crunched and my door was jammed.

The rest was a blur.

Someone coughs in the audience and I snap back to the present. I'm a hypocrite. I can't give a little speech to help everyone feel better. I'm not ready to laugh at the memories because it seems like yesterday I was in the car with them, when their hearts stopped, and their life slipped away like a dream I couldn't hold onto in the morning hours.

More tears stream my cheeks. I can't stop them.

I can't be this person for them. Another time, maybe in years, I could give this speech. But not now. I need air. I can't be here. I stumble down the steps and knock over an arrangement of flowers. Faces and the lips move as people gasp and wonder what's going on. I race down the narrow aisle and slam against the doors.

They fly open. Noah is there. He wraps his arms around me but I jerk away. I scream at him then I stop.

"Noah. You have to go in there and talk to those people. Give the speech that I couldn't give." I begged him.

"I'm not leaving you." Pain reflects in his eyes.

"You have to. I'm going to the cemetery."

He purses his lips. "Are you sure?"

"Please. I need time alone with them."

He kisses my cheek. "Okay."

Then he's gone, and I'm running. The cemetery is close. Not right next to the church but down the road. I can get there easily within minutes. Maybe I can face my friends in the graveyard. Maybe finally I can talk to them.

I move between the silent graves. The new growth of grass is a carpet under my feet. Life is everywhere. The new buds on the branches, ready to grow into leaves. The scurry of squirrels and their high chatter as they warn their buddies. I plod forward. I know where to go. In the middle of the back left corner.

My hands feel empty and I wish for flowers or something to lay on their graves. That would be nice. But today, this visit is about so much more than offering a tribute, saying a few words and then leaving.

So much more.

The crowd in the church will soon make their way out here. I'll be gone before they arrive.

The closer I get, the dread builds, creating an ache in my stomach. I move slower. The truth weighs heavy on my shoulders, and I'm tired of carrying this around. There they are. The twin graves. The families decided to bury them together. Kama and Brin. Beloved friends. Cherished family.

My heart is pumping at full steam, like they're watching, wondering why I'm here. Do they know what happened? Or are they in limbo somewhere not knowing why they died? Or maybe they know and they're yelling at me to leave, that I don't deserve to be here.

I push forward and drop to my knees. The gravestones have strains of a light gray, almost silver, running through them. Flowers have already been left. Along with notes from classmates who came here first. I lower my gaze. My head and heart are empty. Where do I begin?

"Hi." I swallow the lump in my throat. "It's been a while."

Lame. Totally lame. I know that. This is hard, almost as if they're standing right in front of me. Harder than telling Haley the truth in the hospital. I think back on her. This is her day. I'll leave and she'll be able to move on. But I let myself get lost in the memory of us, which now I realize was like a blink of time.

The first time I met Haley on the playground. Our moms knew each other and we played on the slide. She played her first prank on me. I was a goner. I didn't know girls could be cool. I didn't know they could be like boys and have fun and do smart things, instead of tattling on boys and playing with dolls. Haley Sparks was the ultimate girl and still is. My chest heaves and a sob escapes. I force my thoughts away.

"I'm sorry, Brin, Kama. This took way too long. But I'm here now. I'm here to tell you everything. Something I should've done last year."

Why did I run away so fast? Haley. It was all about her. I'd caused her such grief, and I thought leaving would save her the heartache of seeing me every day. A constant reminder of what happened. But that was a lie I told myself. I couldn't face her. I couldn't face them. And I couldn't face myself. So I ran.

Footsteps run through the cemetery, hitting the soft grass as if they're in a hurry. I panic because they shouldn't be moving out here yet, and I don't want to be seen. I jump to my feet and turn, tense.

Haley breaks through the graves but stops suddenly when she sees me. Her eyes are red and swollen. The breeze moves her hair and I'm afraid she'll topple over. Her face is haunted and her eyes so sad that my heart breaks a little more. The shame spreads across my cheeks.

She glances around and takes a step back, as if to run.

I stretch out my hand. "It's okay. I'll go."

She tilts her head and the shock of seeing me seems to have distracted her. "I thought you'd be gone."

I shrug. "I had some last words to say. Goodbyes."

Her eyes betray her, reflecting the hurt, as she studies me, piercing me, trying to figure me out. But I'm not exactly a puzzle. She knows everything. I told her all of it.

"Is the ceremony over?" I ask.

She shakes her head. "Almost. I kinda ran out on it." Her voice catches and she whispers, "It was too hard."

I don't say anything but I understand. I couldn't stay either but needed to be here. Her body trembles. All I want to do is take her in my arms and hold her. I want to protect her and whisper that everything will be okay. That I'll take care of her. My throat tightens. I lost that privilege last year.

"I'll leave you then," I say. "You must want to talk with them too. I can come back later." I turn and walk away but then I hear a noise, so soft, so quiet that it's like a sparrow flapped its wings.

I turn back. Tears run down her cheeks. She drops in front of their graves and she beats her fists against the ground. Her body shudders with the grief as it pours out of her. I can't hold back and run to her side and wrap my arms around her. It feels so good. Her hair against my cheek and her head on my shoulder.

"Shh." I stroke her back.

She pushes me away. I expect her to be angry but she's not.

"I don't deserve any comfort." She pounds her chest. "I deserve to feel this pain, this guilt."

My heart about stops. In my mind, the strands of a knot slowly unravel. Her extreme guilt, the hospital visit, her mumbling. It's like a fog lifts and I can see clearly. Did she not hear anything I said in the hospital? "Were you on pain meds in the hospital when I was visiting?"

She nods yes.

Oh my God. My stomach drops and my heart pounds. She doesn't know. And now I have a choice. I can lie and then run or I can tell her truth.

Seth pales, and sways on his feet, like he's going to puke. He plays with the ends of his shirt, something he always did when he was nervous.

"I have to talk to you. About that night." His voice is rough and on the verge of breaking.

The buried feelings of anger rise to the surface. That he left the party drunk, without a care. Without realizing that his friends or that I would be worried. That he left with Carly. But then a wave of guilt crashes against me. "Whether you cheated on me that night isn't important anymore."

"Oh my God, is that what you think?" he asks, his body recoiling.

I shrug and make sure I look into his eyes. "I don't know. I never found out. You weren't here." I shake it off. "None of this is important. I don't care. Don't you get it?" I bite back another sob. I can't handle anymore crying. "It's not important. Not when I'm alive and..." I point to their graves, unable to say the words.

Seth reaches for my hand. "It is important. I have to tell you." Then his words tumble out. "Before the party, my parents told me they were splitting. Mom cheated."

I gasp. "I'm sorry. I had no idea."

"I was upset at the party but I didn't want to ruin everyone's night." He laughs in a self-deprecating way. "So much for that. Anyway, I took it out on you that night. I'm sorry." He pauses, closes his eyes for a second, then continues. "She cheated with Carly's dad. I didn't leave the party with her, but pushed her away because I wanted to be alone. She wanted to come with me, because she didn't want me to drive."

I drop in front of the graves. I don't know what else he has to say, but I'm hungry for the truth of what happened to him that night.

"I took off, alone," he says.

I can't hide the bitter truth behind my words. "I went looking for you." I have no energy left to explain anything else. Nothing more needs to be said. "Well, glad you could clear that up. Hope you feel better."

"Haley," he says my name so soft, like a whisper. But it's tainted with something else. I can't quite put my finger on it. "There's more."

"Fine, go ahead if it'll make you feel better."

He drops to the ground and addresses Brin and Kama too. "I'm sorry. I never should've left the party. I never should've gotten behind the wheel after drinking. I knew it but I did anyway. I was too mad. But that's no excuse." His voice breaks and his words come out in pieces. "I never should've been on the road...or you'd both be alive."

My breath catches in my throat and I have to force it out. Why is he taking the blame? Because I went looking for him? That's crazy. That's like Justine feeling responsible for having the party. "Seth." I'm about to set him straight.

"No. Let me finish." He takes a deep breath. "I was driving. It was raining. I got in an accident that night. My mom's van. The front was all messed up in the morning. Bad enough we had to buy a new van." His voice is hoarse. "I don't remember much. I must've hit and run."

His words hang in the air and then settle over me. He drove drunk. He got in an accident. A bad one. Hit and run. The truth hits me hard and squeezes my chest. I can barely breathe. No. No. No. It can't be. I'm leaning over, breathing hard, rocking back and forth. I don't want to think the thoughts crashing through my head. It can't be true.

I shudder and sob, then crumple over. Everything I thought was a lie. All of it. But the truth is much worse than the lie.

Then his voice speaks from next me. "I'm sorry. I visited you in the hospital that night. I overheard nurses talking. I saw you run from your room. That's when I remembered. That's when I knew I could never be the one to comfort you. I knew you'd be better without me. I left to protect you."

A torrent of emotion rushes through me and words spit out. All my sadness and regret and confusion over Seth turns to vicious hatred. "Protect me? Ha! I lived an entire year feeling the guilt. That I was the one." I broke off, still unable to say the words.

"I'm sorry. I was wrong."

But that isn't enough for me. I push him away. "Sorry isn't enough. I've lived with the guilt of killing my best friends! That it was me!" I close the gap between us and beat his chest with my fist. "And yes, I still take responsibility, but you were the one drinking and driving!" The tears blur my vision of him, and I scream, "You killed them!"

I continue to pound my fists against his chest and he takes it. He takes all of it.

He's crying too. "I'm sorry. I made the wrong choice. I loved you so much and couldn't believe what I'd done. I was angry." His voice matches mine. "Yes. It's me. I take all the blame. All of it. That's why I came back. To face you. Tell you. Set you free from this."

"Are you kidding me? You think this fixes my life?" My head throbs. "This truth is so much worse than what I've been living with. That the boy I loved, that I wanted a future with, ran out when I needed him most. That he didn't care enough to tell the truth." I can't say it anymore. I can't stand the sight of him. "Please, just leave. Go back to wherever you came from."

He stands. "I'm going to make this right."

"There's nothing you can do. This can't be fixed."

"Goodbye Brin. Goodbye Kama. I'm so sorry. I'll love you forever." He touches my shoulder.

Then he leaves.

The grass tickles my ankles. A soft breeze whispers across the back of my neck and plays with my hair, like the gentle touch of a lover. That kind of touch is foreign to me and I shiver.

I am broken. The last living piece inside me, the part that still yearns to live, splinters. Truth has a way of invading your life when you're least expecting it to and shatters you. Your life can be a messy scrapbook full of photos, memorabilia, and snippets of memories, and then in one swoop it can be erased.

Everything changes with just one small tilt of the mirror called life. It's perspective. Anyone can look at what happened and see their own story, their part in it. My part in it.

The deep ache starts in my stomach and pushes upward. My anguish from the past year wells up and breaks. I fall forward and wrap my arm around Brin's gravestone. I didn't think I had any tears or feelings left. But Seth's news breaks me. It tears into my soul and rips me apart.

So much hurt. So much pain. I sob until every little piece of emotion is squeezed from my heart. And then all I have is the sickening smell of carnations left by their graves early this morning. I pull them toward me and inhale. The soft petals brush my cheek and dry my tears.

The invitation is still clutched in my hand. I tear it open like a child, ripping the envelope into pieces. Just what I thought. The pretty invitation. Curly type. Their names in big letters. Everything drawing me to them. But in the corner is a scribbled note.

Hope to see you there. We'd love for you to say a little something. If we don't hear from you, we'll take it as a yes. If you're not ready, that's fine too.

The whole time it was here. Right on the invitation. I could've been prepared. I could've said no. Strength rises up within me. It's time. I wasn't ready even one hour ago. But a lot can change in one hour. Seth told me the truth. He owned up. Now it's my turn. Everything I've wanted to say to them in the past year. The goodbyes, the sorries. They bubble up from within me. I push up and get on my knees.

"Kama. Brin."

It's the first time I've said their names out loud. I reach out and hold their hands. The smell of Brin's strawberry shampoo and Kama's hair gel wash over me. Their skin is soft. Oh my God. It hurts. I miss them so much. My best friends. Two of the only friends who really knew me. I hold tight and don't let go.

"Brin and Kama, I'm so sorry. I let you down that night." My voice breaks again, which I didn't think was possible. "It was me. Or partly me. I cared so much about Seth that I put us all in danger. I panicked. We should've called the police or his parents, and stayed at Justine's. I never should've fought with him. It wasn't worth it and it cost us everything."

My rage toward Seth fades. I want to hold onto it and blame him but I can't. I was just as much a part of this. Every single one us played a part in that night. There are too many what ifs that could change what happened. If I played that game or the blame game the list would be endless.

None of it can change what happened. All I can do is change today and maybe tomorrow. I squeeze their hands and see their eyes wavering in front of me. A smile breaks across my face, stretching muscles that feel foreign.

"Thank you. For being my friends. For laughing. For loving me. For always being there. I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. Kama that you'll never do great things on stage. You would've been a star. Brin and I would've been there opening night. We would've brought you the biggest bouquet of flowers ever made and bragged all over town about you."

I pause and take several deep breaths. "And Brin. My best friend since we were kids. Thank you for putting up with all my middle school hormones and sticking with me. I'll never forget getting into my mom's make-up and heading into town. We looked like prostitutes. Remember my mom's face when we got back?"

Then the darker moments enter my mind. We had our fair share. "I'll never forget the night you broke, when your mom's drinking got worse. Life wasn't fair to you that way. You would've gone on to great things. You would've healed and maybe have found a great guy. I would've made sure of it. I promise." My voice drops to a whisper and I can barely get the words out.

"So thank you. For everything. I'll love you forever."

For one brief moment, a strange feeling steals over me. My tears dry and somewhere deep inside I feel a heartbeat. A slow thump, and then another. Peace. For the first time I feel a seed of hope and peace. It still needs a lot of water and sunshine to poke through the tangled weeds that choke my heart and have been growing thick all year. But maybe someday.

I kiss their graves and let go of their hands. I roll over onto my back and stare up at the wispy clouds floating across the sky. The branches of an oak tree offer a little shade and move up and down in the breeze.

I can't help but think of Seth. Someone I love who's still breathing, still living. A friend. One who made mistakes. A lot of them. But I'm not in a place to point fingers. He's leaving me behind. I told him to go. He said he was going to make things right. How?

He was driving that night. He was alone.

He was drinking. He was in an accident.

He didn't tell a soul. Then he moved away.

I think about Kama's mom. The words she said to me just an hour or so ago needle me. I nodded, barely registering what she said. I strain to remember. She was so glad to have this mystery wrapped up? But...but if that was the case, why or how could Seth make things right? If the car accident wasn't my fault, then whose was it? If it was Seth's and the mystery solved, he'd be in jail.

My heart rate shoots out of my chest. In two seconds I'm on my feet and sprinting. Ten feet away I stop and run back. I hugged each grave once more and kissed the top. "Love you."

Then I take off, back toward the church. My feet fly. The wind is my friend and helps me along from behind. With each step my body throbs and pain shoots through my side but I push through it. The white building of the church appears and soon I'm taking the steps two at a time. The church doors fly open. The dust floats in the sunlight streaming in behind me.

Everyone stares.

"Where you gonna go?" Katie asks.

She sits on the edge of my bed. Her hands are under her legs and she's rocking back and forth.

"Not sure."

"You going back to my dad's?"

I shrug. I could be going away for a long time.

"What about the boys at the club. Weren't you thinking of volunteering there?" she asks.

"I can't help these kids until I'm better. Mandy was right. I can't use them to solve my problems."

She grabs my duffel and holds it out of my reach. "And running away does?"

I grab it back and scowl. "I can't stay here, okay? If you want, I'll drive you back to your dad's, but I can't promise I'll stay. You're more than welcome to stay here. I know my parents and Justine will look out for you."

"What about Haley?" she prods.

Katie's not stupid. I haven't told her anything but she's seen what a wreck I've been the past year.

I shove the last of my socks in and zip the bag closed. Every part of me doesn't want to leave Haley behind. She'll eventually forgive and forget. But will I? I don't know. Her sweet smile is imprinted on my heart and her very being intertwines with mine and has since I first fell for her years ago.

"You still love her, don't you?"

I don't say anything because I don't want to hurt Katie. She's been a good friend. I sigh. I can't leave her like this. I sit on the bed. "Thanks for everything. For being my friend. I can't stay around here."

She lowers her head.

I lean over and kiss her cheek. "You've been the one bright spot in my life this past year. I don't know if I could've made it through without you. You helped me forget. But I can't keep living a lie. I have to own up to everything."

"What happened?" she asks.

"I made a mistake and now I have to own up. I don't know what will happen."

"Does this have to do with Haley and the service today?"

I nod yes. "It has a lot to do with me too." I close my eyes and stave off the feelings of loss at leaving Haley again. Except this time it's for the right reasons. This time I can leave without my tail tucked between my legs.

"I'll miss you," she says. "Promise you'll text?"

"Promise." I pull her into a hug. What I don't tell her is that where I'm going I probably won't be allowed to text.

 I pull away and head downtown. Katie will be okay. I talked to Justine and know that someone will be looking out for her. I'd rather her never learn the truth because I'd hate to see the adoration and respect shattered in her expression. But soon it will be all over the news and everyone will know. I find an odd peace in that. After carrying around this secret for the past year, I'll be glad to trade it in for a cell.

The police station is up on my right and now that I'm here my palms stick to the steering wheel and a knot forms in my stomach. Before I chicken out, I park and walk inside. A uniform sits behind the desk reading through paperwork. Her face is lined with boredom. I stand in front of her. I clear my throat.

"Can I help you?"

I nod and swallow, trying to find my voice so I don't sound like a frog. "I'd like to confess to a crime."

A classmate is at the podium talking. Words burn inside my chest. An endless speech everyone needs to hear. Like remember them, love them, but you have to keep living the best you can. For them. Live and love for them. Honor them. But don't die because they did. Noah stands, but I hold up my hand. I rush, almost tripping down the aisle and drop in front of Kama's mom.

She reaches for my hand and squeezes. "What is it?"

I'm a mess. My eyes are so swollen, and they pound and throb. My hair must be a matted mess but I don't care. I can't speak right away. I'm too out of breath.

"Take your time, dear. I'm not going anywhere."

I look at her, into Kama's blue eyes. "What did you mean earlier? What did you mean that the mystery has been wrapped up?"

She tilts her head and gives me a weak smile. "We never held you responsible. Not for rain, not for hydroplaning. But the side-on collision didn't make complete sense to us. Not an impact that would cause instant death. We hired an investigator."

I lower my head, but she places her hand on my chin and lifts it back up. "Not to investigate you. But to find the truth."

The truth? Was there such a thing as real truth? Isn't my truth different from hers, different from Seth's, different from Carly's, different from Justine's? How could truth be pulled from this wreck? Who could find the missing thread that with one little tug would unravel it all? It couldn't be that simple.

"The truck that hit you must've been going extremely fast. Too fast for the average driver. Long story short, a man who had previous charges of drunk driving and driving to endanger, hit you that night. He'd been drinking. Sobered up and in rehab, he owned up to hitting a car that night. He was sentenced last month. Life in prison." She smiled but it was a sad smile. "Justice prevailed." She patted my hand. "It doesn't bring them back or change what happened but hopefully another tragedy has been prevented."

I am reeling. This simple truth unravels me. It moves my heart and pumps life into my soul. "This whole year I thought it was me," I say, my voice strained. I admit my truth for the past year, the one that has haunted me and pulled me into the black nothingness I called living.

Kama's mom pulls me into another hug and whispers into my ear. "It wasn't your fault. You were just the one who survived. For whatever reason, you lived. So live your life, Haley. Live it for them. Live it fully. Go find love and do what you do with all your heart. Never take this life for granted. It's what they would want."

Tears fall from my eyes and splash onto her clothes. I pull away and wipe my eyes, laughing. "I'm so sorry. Your shirt."

"I don't give a damn about my shirt." She wipes away a stray tear. "I want to make sure you understand that truth. Do you?"

I nod. Then Seth's words tug at me. He's leaving. He's making things right. What does that mean? I give Kama's mom and dad another hug and Brin's mom too. "I have to go."

I rush out of the church, leaving the wide eyes and the whispers behind.

My parents stop me right outside the door.

"Haley?" Dad asks. "Are you okay? We can bring you back to the hospital."

I look between my parents, the two people who might love me most in the world, and my tears are endless. I hug them and they hug me back. "Please. I need to do something, and then I'll return to the hospital."

They hold me at arm's length. "Are you sure?"

I nod and then the urgency rises up, demanding that I go before it's too late. "I'm sorry. I have to go!" Then I run.

In the parking lot, I jump in Noah's car. The keys are under the seat like always. Hopefully, he won't mind. I send Seth a quick text telling him I need to see him, then I don't even think but start the engine and drive out onto the road. My arms shake and I drive slow.

My heart thumps, scared for Seth. And what he might do with what he thought was his truth.

I hope I'm not too late.

I drive through streets that were once familiar to me. That I once drove through all the time. The memories are sharp and painful, but I refuse to let them drag me down. Kama's mom's words burn in my spirit like a candle against a dark night. They guide me and keep me strong.

I pull into Seth's family home and turn the key. The engine stills. All my memories of Seth and me at his house roll toward me. I can't believe so much happened to him that one fatal night, and I knew nothing. Maybe at Justine's party if I'd only seen past his angry words to the hurt beneath. Maybe...but then I refuse to think like that. It's a habit I've picked up the past year that's going to be hard to break. Enough stalling. I have to tell him the real truth. Not his false truth that he believes is etched in stone.

I knock at the door and his mom opens it immediately. "Haley!" She hugs me. "It's so good to see you."

She studies my face and must know that not all is well. Maybe we can chat another time. "Is Seth here?" My voice sound breathless from nerves or fear I'm not sure.

"No, he's not."

"He's not staying here?" I question.

She shakes her head. "He stopped by once. He didn't tell me where he's staying..." Her words trail off, and I see her hurt. Everyone is hurting from that night.

"I'm sorry. I'd stay and talk but I have to find him."

"Go then. Go. He needs you."

I rush back to the car, my mind racing. Where would he go? Katie. She might know. I drive back, careful to focus on the road and not speed. The Seaside Inn looms in front of me, my home and safe haven for the past year, and my last hope to find Seth. I'm so thankful for it, even if I used it to hide from the real world.

I slam the door and race through the back door into the kitchen. Tom looks at me with surprise, but I don't try and explain.

"Is Katie here?"

He motions toward the seating area.

"Thanks."

She's taking an order and I sit at the bar, impatient. I curl the edges of the paper placemat at the counter. She smiles and points out her favorites on the menu. She's a natural at this. Way better than me. Her contagious smile affects everyone close to her. She catches my eye and holds up a finger. She rushes through the rest of the order and then heads my way.

"Haley?" she asks, tentatively, knowledge lurking in her eyes.

"What? You know something. What is it?"

Her face falls and she whispers, "He's gone. There was something he had to do." Her words keep gushing out, but that's all I need to hear.

I stumble away and back through the kitchen. I check my phone but he hasn't texted back. Part of me knows he won't. Out in the back parking lot I slump against the wall, broken once more.

He's gone.

I stand on the edge. The horizon stretches endlessly, like I should have the whole future ahead of me. That anything is possible. It's funny I ended up here, at Raker's Bluff, the one place seated in my memories.

Someone once said that wishes come true here. That the wind carries the wishes away to whoever oversees this kind of thing. I've never made a wish. I was happy. I didn't want to use someone else's wish for my own selfish desires like getting an A on a chem. test or my parents not finding out that I snuck out to a party. Not when there might be someone who desperately needed help.

Like I do today. I have more than one wish. For the first time, my heart beats with the sound of many wishes. I thought about this long and hard on the drive over here, but I still don't know which one to speak and release into the breeze.

I wish Seth would change his mind and turn around to find me.

I wish that when I wake up tomorrow it would be last year at this time before the party, before everything.

I wish to have my friends back or that I'd died in their place.

I close my eyes and let the breeze tug at my body. I wish peace for Seth. That he would know love and happiness. That somehow from all this he'll learn the truth and be set free, too.

I try to be noble but as I think these thoughts, a part of me crumples on the inside. My legs shake and I drop to my knees. I'm such a liar. All that bullshit sounds good. The first tear splashes onto the ground. I didn't think I had any left.

Wishes can go to hell. The deepest part of me that aches and cries out can't be fixed by a mythical wish. And I know that truth. That one simple truth. That I'm too late.

He's gone.

A new wish flutters about, a butterfly with wings of hope, rising from the ashes of my life. I've been given a gift. One I never expected to receive. Through the revelation that someone has been arrested and thrown in jail for what happened, I have another chance. It won't be easy, but I'll try. For Kama. For Brin. For my family. And for me.

Fear presses down this rising hope, refusing to set it free. What if I speak it and it doesn't come true? I'll shatter. Into a million pieces. Too many pieces to put back together.

The words come, and I whisper, "I want to live. Really live."

I sit and watch Haley, wondering what she knows, if she knows the truth. She stands on the edge of the cliff, her arms wrapped around herself. I want more than anything to be the one comforting her, touching her.

My heart aches for the year we lost because I was a coward. She's been living with guilt. If I'd gone to the police, this past year would've been so different. I don't expect her to forgive me or want me in her life. That's too much to ask.

But she needs to know the truth.

For some reason I can't get myself to open the car door. She mesmerizes me, the wind teasing her hair, her shirt clinging to her body. I try and memorize this image so I can remember her this way. She shakes and drops to her knees.

My hand goes to the door. I try and still my beating heart and lift the handle. The door swings open and the cooler ocean breeze rushes in. I'm on my feet. I walk toward her, my footsteps muffled by the patches of grass and the wind. Ten feet away I stop. She's crying.

"Haley," I whisper.

She perks up and listens. I try and say her name but my voice won't work. Slowly, she stands and turns. Her eyes are wide like two bright moons in the night sky. Tracks run down her cheeks and even though she's rumpled and her eyes are rimmed with red, she takes my breath away.

I love her. I never stopped.

My body reacts and wants to be close to her, wants to feel her pressed up against me. I ache for her. Every little piece of me. All we can do is stare. She licks her lips, and I stare.

"Seth?"

I nod, my body shaking. There's so much to talk about but words don't come. We both stand and stare, drinking each other in. A hunger is in her eyes that I haven't seen for a long time. Loose hair catches on her mouth and she doesn't move to tuck it behind her ears. Then all of a sudden a sob escapes her and she's running to me.

It only takes me a couple seconds to react and I'm running toward her. We crash in the middle. She jumps up and wraps her legs around me. Then she's kissing me. She crushes her lips against mine and kisses me like there's no tomorrow. She slides down until her feet land on the ground. Her fingers dig into my hair and then she's holding me against her like she never wants me to leave.

We stagger back, losing our balance, but not wanting to let go of each other. And I can't pull my mouth away from hers. I didn't expect this and I'm scared to know why. Is this goodbye? Through the haze of desire I remember why I'm here. For truth. I break our kiss and see the hurt in her eyes.

"I have to talk to you," I gasp out.

I'm so embarrassed. I attacked the guy without any warning. And now he's backing off from me. I overstepped. What was I thinking? I wasn't. I just acted. Then I remember the news.

"Oh my God, I have to talk to you." I'm breathless from our kiss, and all I want to do is kiss him again, but he has to know.

He steps closer and grabs my hand, but I talk first. "You're not at fault. I know you think you are and you ran and you blamed yourself this whole time but it's not true, not any of it."

He tilts his head, a smile tugging at his lips.

My words tumble out. "Someone confessed."

He grabs the back of my head and pulls me back into a kiss. I try and tell him that it wasn't him, that they arrested the guy, but my words come out garbled. I push him away.

"It wasn't you."

His face breaks out in a smile. "I know."

"How?"

"I turned myself in at the police station. They told me." He pulls a fine out of his back pocket. "I just got a fine for hitting a parked police car, even though there's no real proof it was me. I confessed and they accepted." He pulls me toward the edge of the bluff. "I stayed to tell you the truth. I didn't want you feeling guilty."

Then it's as if he remembers the entire last year and pulls away from me. Immediately I miss his warmth. It hits me that this is goodbye. He's still leaving.

"I'm so sorry," I say. "I shouldn't have attacked you like that."

"I didn't mind so much." Seth smiles and his eyes are on my lips.

We turn and stare out at the ocean. I clasp my hands together to keep them from fiddling. Before he leaves I'm going to tell him everything I wanted to last year. "I'm sorry I spent more time with my friends and not enough time with you. I wasn't trying to lead you on or play with your head."

"Haley, it's okay."

"No. I need to tell you. I joked so much because I was afraid you didn't want to be serious. Graduation came and I thought about our future and I was afraid that in the fall you'd lose interest. That we were just some high school romance. I didn't know how to read you."

He shakes his head. "With everything going on with my parents, I was afraid. I didn't want to lose you. I didn't think you wanted more. I guess we should've talked a lot more than we did. About us. About the future."

"Yeah."

An awkward silence engulfs us. I don't know what he's thinking. He plays with a tuft of grass, deep in thought.

"It's okay," I whisper, "if it's too late for us." It breaks my heart into little pieces to say these words but if he needs to start fresh somewhere then I need to let him go.

He looks at me, his eyes soft and gentle. "I'm sorry I ran. I never should've left you alone. I thought I was protecting you, but I couldn't face the truth and be in your life, knowing what I'd done."

"What you thought you did. You shouldn't have run, but I made a lot of mistakes too. I shut myself off from everyone. In a way, I ran too."

"Where do we go from here?" he asks.

Clouds drift across the horizon. "They say this spot grants wishes."

"What would you wish for, Haley Sparks?"

I press my lips together. I wish for so much. Then it hits me. "I don't want a wish." The truth floods through me. "Life is what we make of it. Not just wishing things could be different."

I grab his hand but he still hesitates.

"What if this is too much for us to get over?" he asks.

I shrug. "We'll never know if we don't try. I'm still a wreck and have so many relationships to repair. I need to work through my mistakes and my grief and the people I've hurt."

"I can give you space. I need to do that too."

"I don't want to do it alone. We've tried that and I was miserable. Why can't we do it together?"

His eyes tear up, and he places his hand on my cheek. His fingers are soft on my skin and I turn into them. I know what he needs. I choke up but manage to say the words.

"Seth, I forgive you. I forgive you that you weren't there for me when I needed you. I forgive you that left that party and drove drunk. I forgive you that you ran away. I forgive you completely."

A tear slides down his cheek. I can't tear my eyes away from him. The honesty, the fear, the vulnerability is brutal and pulses between us. But stronger than all that is the love.

"Thank you." His thumb grazes my lips. "I'll spend every day of my life making it up to you."

I'm leaning forward, drawn to him. My gaze flickers to his lips. My heart is overwhelmed and for the first time I feel I can move on. That I'll make it. That we might make it.

Seth leans forward to. His breath hitches. We stop inches away. I can barely breathe. He meets me and our lips touch. This kiss is different. It's gentle and loving. It feels like a first kiss. My lips tremble.

"It's not going to be easy," he says. "All we have to work through."

"No, it won't be," I murmur. "But we'll make it."

"Love you, forever," he whispers between kisses.

"With every little piece of my heart."

We stand by their graves. It's almost midnight. We lit candles and the soft light hides all our remaining tears. Seth, Jamie, Carter and me. We hold hands, taking a moment of silence. It's been two years. The same day. The same night. That it happened. I close my eyes and breathe in the sweet smell of spring. Hope washes over me and I feel them. Brin and Kama. They will live on in my heart. I see their smiles and hear their laughter. It still gets to me. I still feel sad and I still cry.

But it's okay to feel. I went so long without feeling that I took the whole last year to start again. Seth and my family have had to deal with random crying. But with help, both Seth and I are dealing. We've repaired our relationships with friends and family the best we know how.

"I loved her sad smile," Carter says.

He must be talking about Brin. Tears sting my eyes. I learned later that he and Brin decided that night to take a chance and start dating.

"I did too," I say softly.

I feel Seth's gaze and turn my head. Love shines in his eyes and a smile tugs at his mouth. I rub my thumb over his hand. We took a chance and so far it's working. Seth works part time and volunteers a lot at the Boys and Girls Club while taking classes at a community college. I still work at the Seaside Inn but only a few shifts. I'm a full time student at the community college, getting in my basic classes. I don't know yet what I'll do. The possibilities are endless. I could be a grief counselor. I could be a nurse. I could be a teacher. I haven't decided. But I'll do something. I'll live my life the best way I know how.

Jamie coughs. "Are we ready?"

I shiver at the thought of what's to come. "Are you sure?"

"Hell, yeah," they say.

"Okay, then I'm in."

We blow out the candles and bring them with us, leaving the flowers behind, our friends behind, but never forgetting. Seth drives and it doesn't take long before we're at the edge of Main Street. I tug the edges of my coat a little closer.

"You don't have to if you don't want." Seth places a hand on my leg. "You could just take video for Facebook and embarrass all of us."

I shake my head. "I have to do this too. For them. My one last gift to them."

Seth parks and we sit in the car. We're silent, thinking ahead to what we're about to do and how wrong it is. Yet, how right it feels. The perfect night. The perfect way to finally move forward. Our last tribute.

We open the doors and the cool night breeze washes over us. A nervous giggle escapes and my adrenaline is pumping, creating an excited high. I can feel it. Pulsing in the air as we make our way to the start. We all hug our coats around us.

Even though we all want to do this, it's hard to start. Memories flitter by and I cherish their sweet presence.

"This is for you, Brin." Carter's voice breaks. "I love you." He drops his coat and sprints down the street in his boxers. Moonlight flashes on his back as he runs with his arms in the air.

Jamie, Seth and I don't wait any longer. We all strip our coats and start sprinting. In our underwear. The long lost bet that we were never able to finish. We do it for them. For Brin. For Kama. The wind rushes against my face and skin, sending goosebumps. My heart races as cars drive by and honk. I feel high. Excitement rushes through me and for one second I feel their warm embrace.

I laugh. It starts small but bubbles up and explodes. I catch up to Seth, forgetting that I'm in my bra and underwear. He grabs my hand and we race together.

The cry starts in my chest and I let it out. A shout of hope and happiness at my future, for our future as we disappear into the night.

Read about your favorite characters and meet new ones in the companion novellas: _Every Little Secret_ and _Every Little Dream._

If you enjoyed  _Every Little Piece_ , I'd love to hear from you. Visit my blog at kateashtonbooks.com. You can find me on Twitter @kateashton01, and Goodreads. Sign up for my newsletter for information on future releases.

If you'd like to help me out, I'd absolutely love an honest review on Amazon, Goodreads and other retail sites. I couldn't possibly make this journey without all of you.

Keep reading for chapter one of my latest novel, _All That We Have Lost._
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**All That We Have Lost**

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Juliana flies to Paris in an effort to say a final goodbye to her husband who died on a top-secret mission—or that's what she was told because a body was never found. When she bumps into a man who looks like her husband but has no memories, she starts a journey to find the truth. A journey filled with emotional peril and danger, a journey only she can take. But she's not alone.

In this story about rescue, restoration, and second chances, four people will face their past—the heartache and the pain—in a moving rescue mission like no other.

**_Chapter 1_**

**_DANIEL_**

**He stands in** the airport and stares through the expansive windows. The sun shimmers on the tarmac, the heat rising in visible waves. It reminds him of the desert. Hot wind and mirages rising like little devils.

The large planes rumble across the strip, readying for take off. Loneliness falls over him and twists his gut. Nothing seems to trigger any sort of memory, even as he follows that gut instinct, the whispered words in his head that tell him where to go, like the haunting melody of the pied piper. That's why he likes the airport, a place no one calls home. A place no one expects him to belong.

The tiny hairs on the back of his neck prickle. The beautiful woman, sitting with her long legs crossed, pretends to read a magazine. Every few seconds her gaze flickers to him, observing, watching.

This isn't the first time he has noticed her.

There was that time in the café.

That time by the River Seine.

Somehow, he always knows when someone is on his tail, following in the shadows, even if he whips around and sees nothing. Maybe he is a private detective. It's a game he likes to play. He stands naked in front of a mirror. Some of the scars are barely visible; the one on his shoulder is deeper and still a fleshy pink. When he flexes, the scar ripples, like in the cartoons when men make their tattooed ladies dance as they show off their strength. A city cop, maybe?

When the lady dips her gaze back to the magazine, he darts behind a large family. Grandpas and grandmas, aunts and uncles, crying tots and their ragged parents. Teens not listening to anything but their music. He doesn't like big crowds, but right now, they are a godsend, enabling him to hide from the enemy. To melt into the crowds.

A young teen on the heavy side steps on his toe, a businessman running to catch his plane jostles him, and he bumps into an elderly lady who scowls like he's a child in need of scolding. He should've left earlier. The constant chatter in the terminal rises in the air. The noises beat at him. In his head the birds return, black and sleek, beating their wings, and the oily feathers slapping his face.

They dive and attack, pecking with their sharp beaks. He swats at one as it flies too close. He misses. It circles, ready to return. They always return. Never giving up. Their squawks fill the sky. The hot dry wind chaps his face and lips. Sweat pours down his face, his chest constricting. The sound of every breath rushes through his ears.

The people blur around him. He stumbles, trying to fight the dizzy spell. A shadow crosses his path. Why is the place so hot?

A man lies broken at his feet. Blood pools and spills from a chest wound. His clothes are dirty and torn, stained in the rusty browns of old blood.

A crow attacks. Diving. Squawking.

The sudden urge to protect this vulnerable man surges through Daniel. He takes a wild swing and misses. The force causes him to spin. When he looks back at the ground, the man is gone.

Daniel blinks and rubs his eyes.

Someone touches his arm.

It's the grandpa. He peers at Daniel over his bifocals and from under bushy eyebrows. His wrinkled face, lined in kindness, glows with concern; his deep blue eyes are wells of sympathy.

The grandpa's voice is low and rumbly, like the planes outside. He speaks in French, his tone warm and caring.

Planes. He's in an airport. Frantically, he tears from the man's gentle touch and spins around, staring at the skies. Except now, the sky and the crows are gone. The scorching wind is nothing but stale, circulated air. Faces and curious eyes stare, and mouths move in silent whispers. They watch him.

It has happened again. He isn't completely sure what triggers the flashbacks.

His knees weaken, his body a shivering mass as the chills descended. The edges of his vision turn black and spots dance. He blinks. He's in the airport and the lady stands, no longer hiding behind her magazine. She's gorgeous. Staring at her is like finding an oasis, a mirage turned real. Her long honey hair tumbles over her shoulders, the ends even with her breasts that press against her shirt. Her pencil-thin waist. And those long legs.

When she opens her mouth, he shakes off the trance she's put him under. He doesn't want to hear what she has to say, good or bad, she scares him. He runs, even as she calls out his name. How does she know his name? He leaps a large carry-on, ignoring the gasp of its owner. The crows are at his back, wings beating furiously, beady eyes focusing on him. People gasp as he rushes past not caring who he stumbles into or knocks over. Finally, he ducks into a bathroom, sprints to a stall, and collapses on the warm toilet seat.

With deep, even breathing, he calms. His heaving chest slows to normal. Images of the oily crows, their eyes and the sharp, gleaming points of their beaks, fill his mind. They follow him everywhere. Just like the woman.

He's losing it.

This time is different though. He has never seen the man, broken and bleeding, on the verge of death. No one should die alone. Daniel drops his head into his hands. Who was this man? When he tries to visualize the face and capture a memory—nothing—just a blur. He can only see the blood, red and slick, pouring from the man's body way too fast to be good.

A dull ache throbs through his body, an overwhelming sadness and pain; hot tears leak from his eyes, and he doesn't know why.

Feet shuffle around him. Toilets flush and the blowers dry hands with a rushing noise. A voice, loud and filled with static, announces a flight is ready for take off. Last call.

He stumbles out of the bathroom and falls into a seat, resting. Soon, he'll keep wandering.

**_LUCY  _**

_14 days earlier_

**Despite the dull** ache of the damp and dreary day deep in her bones, Lucy is optimistic. A look out the window this morning at the rain drizzling down like unwanted tears, the heavy mist floating past, the chill—told her it would a good day.

All positive signs for someone in her line of work.

People want good news on bleak days. They want to feel better. Something to ward off the gloom. Lucy is more than happy to oblige them, and lighten their wallets at the same time.

She moves through her kitchen and her morning routine quickly and efficiently: one cup of coffee—only one because she doesn't like to feel jittery with clients, and her work already gives her an adrenaline rush—one egg cooked in the microwave with cheese sprinkled over top, and one piece of fruit—if she has any left. This morning, she eats a browned banana from the fruit bowl, even though she doesn't like mushy fruit.

Back in her bedroom, she studies her closet, carefully choosing her outfit for the day. She takes special care to buy certain fabrics and colors: silk and textured materials are best. Warm colors are a necessity: browns like the darkest sugar, oranges like ripe peaches, and yellows like muted sunshine. Shirts and pants have to be loose and flowing—tassels are a bonus. Long ago, she gave up on legitimizing her field of work with business suits and high heels. If she doesn't look the stereotype then potential clients turn their noses and close their wallets.

The first time it happened she almost sprinted down the street after them with the intent to explain their wrong thinking and conclusions, their mistaken judgment. Eventually, she gave in to the pressure when business trickled down to nothing.

She hates every second of it.

With a sigh, she dons the orange tunic and adds a red scarf with tassels. People need bright colors on a miserable day. She slips into her long flowing purple skirt. Outfit complete, she adds the dark and mysterious makeup, heavy on the eye shadow and eyeliner. Laughable, really.

The entire time, as she moves about in her tiny bedroom—her window shut to block out the wail of police sirens in her part of the city—she keeps glancing over at her bedside stand. She found it for ten dollars at a flea market. A quick paint job and she had a piece that could sell for one hundred. That isn't what she thinks about when she looks at it though. It's the stack of writing paper and envelopes.

At first, in her quest for information, she tried email. Email and government don't work well. Secretaries for secretaries probably glanced at the subject line and deleted it. After all, in this cyber age, email often gets lost in spam or space.

Lately, she's taken to letters. Hand-written. Personal. She prays that hers will squeak through and the right person will sense the desperation behind her polite plea; they'll see the careful attention to her script and her words and realize she is a real, live person who just wants answers, who needs something other than the hard echo of nothing.

Every week she writes the same letter.

**_JULIANA_**

**Juliana moves uncomfortably** in the seat of the airliner. Do these seats get smaller every year? She glances over at the man sitting next to her. He's clearly reached middle age and never cut back on the donuts. The extra weight hangs on his arms and balloons over his pants. Not only does he take up her armrest but a portion of her seat too. She faces the window and squeezes her eyes shut. Why did she let her daughter talk her into this?

_She feels a gentle touch on her shoulder. It's her daughter, Mia, visiting for the weekend, not wanting her mom to be alone. Not this weekend._

_"Mom?"_

_Juliana hasn't answered but stays in front of her husband's dresser, two tickets clutched in her hands._

_"What are those?" Mia teases the tickets from her mom's hands and gasps. Her voice turns a bit hoarse. "Paris, Mom?"  _

_They fall silent, the question unspoken, but very present, hanging between them.  _

_Finally, Juliana breaks the silence. "We bought them two years ago. Your Dad and I," she whispers. "We planned to return to Paris. Where we first met."  _

_Mia wraps her arms around her mom, and they rock, together, both feeling the grief and the absence of a father and a husband._

_After a few minutes, Mia speaks. "You need to go. For you. For Dad. To say goodbye."_

The plane lands in Paris, and Juliana steps off and into the airport, fighting the sadness welling inside at being back in this city. She hesitates, the crowds passing her by. Was this the right decision? She glances frantically through the people, fearing that her grief is obvious and not wanting to see the pity in their eyes. Her gaze touches upon a man sitting in one of the chairs, his head resting in his hands. He looks up and her heart trembles.

He's familiar. From the silver tingeing the man's hair to the crooked white scar above his eyebrow to his warm brown eyes. She turns away. No. She's hallucinating; her mind has conjured up a vision of her husband, Danny, but it can't be him.

Juliana stares at the empty seat next to him, at the swirls of the pattern, trying to keep her breath steady, trying to stay focused on reality. Then, slowly, she forces herself to move forward and sit next to him, perching on the edge of the seat.

She can't take her eyes off the man; he has to be Danny, but he didn't recognize her. Her body is tense, every muscle tightened; she forces her eyes to close. How could this be happening?

She cracks an eye and peeks at him.

He senses her gaze and smiles politely.

Her throat tightens and she fights the rush of memories she has worked so hard to bury. The scent of aftershave Danny used floats in the air and sparks a memory.

_Juliana sits on a bench along the River Seine. The warm breeze teases and plays with the ends of her hair. It brings the feeling of hope. Her classes are over, and she wants to enjoy herself, alone, away from the rest of the students. She only has two weeks left in Paris. Two weeks before she returns to her parents and her responsibilities. Her father expects her to marry wealthy, and he has several potential suitors lined up for dates upon her graduation. Love is the last thing she wants. She didn't attend college just to get married and have some egomaniac control her life._

_She kicks off her sensible shoes and lets the grass tickle her toes. Barefoot and foolish. That is what she wants to be. Almost the whole day stretches in front of her. She wants to do something crazy and wild, like swim in the Seine, naked. Or visit every café possible and gorge on pastries that she'll never taste again back in America. She doesn't want to do it alone, yet, she doesn't want to take one of the other students along with her. She needs a guide. One she trusts._

_As the wind blows, she whispers into its currents. "Find me someone, oh great city of lights. Find the right one, and push him or her toward me. You do that, and I'll do the rest."  _

_The breeze picks up, and the branches creak, answering yes._

_Juliana stretches back and lays her head against the top of the bench. She's patient._

_About five minutes later, she hears someone whistling. A friendly and good-looking guy walks the paths, a backpack weighing him down. His army green pants are grungy and his faded T-shirt is in no better condition. Shaggy brown hair flops in his eyes. His face hints of a smile.   Perfect._

_She stands casually in the path and glances toward the guy every few seconds. When he's just about to pass her, she steps in front of him._

_They collide, and she falls back in the grass.  _

_"I'm so sorry!" He rushes to help her up, but the weight of his pack tips his body forward, and he stumbles, landing in the grass next to her._

_She smiles. "Hi, I'm Juliana."_

_"Danny. Nice to meet a fellow American."  _

"Excuse me, ma'am."

Juliana starts and opens her eyes. She has leaned to the side, practically nuzzling the man's neck. The scents and soft grass of Paris long ago are whisked away, but the same man, the backpacker, stares at her. More lines on his face. More silver in his hair. But it's him.

"Hi, I'm Juliana."

The man smiles warily. "Daniel. Nice to meet you."

Juliana convinces herself she's crazy, hallucinating, or just wrong. Several times she tries to make small talk. Daniel is polite but makes it quite clear that he's not interested in small talk.

This moment won't last. He could leave; panic cripples Juliana's ability to speak. Does she just let him walk off and out of her life? But wait. He already did.

Last year.

She fights the tears. She hasn't cried in weeks. Her family worries, and so she puts up a good front for them, but every single spot in her house—every dish, every room, every painting and photo—holds meaning. Walking through her house is like living with Danny every day, yet he isn't there: she can't hear him snore at night, and she doesn't have to pick up his dirty socks. Every night she leans across her side of the bed, expecting to feel his warmth, the touch of his skin.

She finds nothing.

He was a soldier, killed in action—so they said. No body was ever found.

No more soft nudges early in the morning, his lips on her arm, her chest; his hands starting a fire before breakfast. Instead, she lies alone in the rising dawn, aching for her best friend, her partner, her lover.

"Are you okay, miss?"

She blinks away a tear, fighting against the darkness that threatens to pull her into its clutches, the never ending sinkholes and landslides until she can't think or move. Her heart aches. The shadows surround her, weaving with her very being. The plane, the people around her turn colors of gray.

"Juliana?" He leans forward, peering into her eyes.

She wants to press her lips to his, run her fingers through his hair, and kiss the small white scar. Her body sways.

He pulls away and reaches into his backpack. He holds out a stick of gum. "Here you go. Maybe this will help."

Cinnamon. Danny's favorite.

"Who are you?" This cruel joke needs to end.

"Daniel."

"Where did you come from?"

"Oh, around."

She reaches for his hand, knowing it is a mistake. "Don't you remember me, Danny?"

He jerks his hand back, eyes wide. "I'm sorry, Ma'am. You must be mistaking me for someone else." He stands abruptly, fidgeting. "Best of luck to you."

Juliana closes her eyes for a second, letting the heat of embarrassment fade. He doesn't remember, and all of a sudden, she loses him all over again.

The next time she turns around. He's gone.

Daniel, Danny was gone. She fumbles for her phone to call her daughter.

**_MIA_**

**Mia pedals faster**. Her mom's voice and her haunting words reach into her heart and twist.

Sweat runs down her back; that's why she loves spin class and the calories that drip off, along with memories she'd rather forget. Some call her a fanatic when it comes to healthy eating and exercise; she calls it not wanting to get old and fat.

Thoughts of her mom invade again. Things have been going so well too. Her mom stopped counseling months ago, and the hallucinations ebbed. The prescription meds have been lowered, and Mia hoped it was only smooth sailing ahead, that the heart wrenching times were over.

Obviously not.

The instructor yells to pump harder, raise that butt in the air because the steep hill is coming, tougher times are ahead. With a grunt, Mia focuses dead ahead on the lady's butt in front of her, who should not be wearing spandex. This only motivates her more.

Thankfully, for the rest of class, her mind is blank. Her muscles burn, her breaths shoot out, and she loves it. When she reaches this high, nothing touches her, not her last fight with Adam—or she should say the hurt feelings when he turns his back to her in bed—nor thoughts about her mom.

Exercise is therapy.

The instructor yells, pushing them, as they crest the hill and finish this last cycle. Then it's over. Mia lowers her head, eyes closed, and waits for her breathing to return to normal.

"What's wrong with you today?" Her close friend, Emma, also the instructor, stands next to her, foot tapping. "You're the one I can always count on through that last stretch."

Mia steps off the bike and grabs her white towel. "Hey, I wasn't slacking. Today was one of my better times." But that isn't what Emma was talking about. Usually, Mia whoops it up on that last incline, motivating everyone in the class to push harder. She sighs and swipes the towel across her face. "No, you're right. Sorry about that. When do I start getting paid as an assistant instructor?"

Emma laughs, then smiles, the true smile of a close friend, not the fake one you often get from other females in the gym. "When you apply for the job."

**In the sauna** , with the towel wrapped around her body, Mia rests her head against the wood walls and thinks about Emma. They met in the gym two years ago, and their friendship has been a lifesaver. Her marriage has been rocky from the start—not her fault, not anyone's fault—and Emma's always there, the only one who knows her and Adam struggle. Most people are awed that Mia married so young.

What they don't know is that she might divorce young too.

What they don't know is that a month after their wedding, her dad went missing in action, later to be proclaimed dead from an explosion.

What they don't know is that her dad was her rock, the one she turned to for support and advice, especially with guys. She always was able to talk to her dad. Always. And then, suddenly, he was gone.

Mia clenches her teeth and fights back the tears. It doesn't matter that it has been one year; the pain, the hollow feeling in her chest never went away.

"You're thinking about him, aren't you?" Emma asks.

"Nope."

"Liar! Liar!"

"Okay, fine, but only because my mom called the other day." Emma doesn't know that her mom hallucinated her dad lost and wandering. Her mom is convinced that he needs her, and no one will convince her otherwise. Some things are too painful and embarrassing to talk about, even with friends. Only Adam knows.

Emma stands. "Let's get out of here and go for drinks. Call the rest of the girls. Even call Adam if you want."

"Good idea." She could use a drink.

**The cold shower** feels good after sweltering in the sauna. She towels off, slips into yoga pants and a pink T-shirt, and quickly blow-dries her hair.

Dressed and ready early, she calls. "I'll meet you in the lobby!"

Emma pops out of the shower, her blonde hair wet and dark and dripping. "Okedokee."

That's why Mia loves her friendship with Emma. She's a bright beam of light in her life that has been nothing but depressing recently. Today, that darkness is blinding, suffocating.

In the lobby, she pours steaming coffee into a Styrofoam cup to wait. She sits in an armchair, mindlessly watching a talk show on the large television. All the working moms hit the gym, flooding through like rush hour traffic.

She texts Adam. _Out for drinks with Emma. Be home later._

Mia doesn't expect a reply. Way too early in their marriage, they stopped texting sweet nothings to each other, and that hurts more than Mia likes to admit. Now they text boring, non-romantic stuff, like when they'll be home or who's picking up dinner. Straightforward, emotionless texts without an _I love you_ or sexy innuendos.

"Ready?"

Mia startles from her thoughts. "Definitely."

All That We Have Lost will be released on February, 17, 2015. It is currently available for preorder on Amazon and iTunes.

Kate Ashton is the author of the contemporary YA/NA crossovers  _Every Little Piece, Every Little Secret_ and _Every Little Dream_. She writes about relationships and love, heartbreak and healing. And everything in between.

Text copyright © 2013 by Kate Ashton

All rights reserved

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission from the publisher and author. For information visit www.kateashtonbooks.com

Summary: The night before graduation changes everything. Lies are told. Mistakes are made. A year later, neither Haley nor Seth are prepared for the shock of what really happened.

Edited by Cindy Davis, The Fiction Doctor; Interior Design by Novel Ninjutsu

ebook ISBN:  978-0-9852327-4-0

Find out more at kateashtonbooks.com

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# **Contents**

Every Little Piece

title page

Second Chance Series copy

night before graduation

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

one year later

Nine

Ten

Eleven

Twelve

Thirteen

Fourteen

Fifteen

Sixteen

Seventeen

Eighteen

Epilogue

thank you readers

All That We Have Lost

about Kate

copyright
