(glasses clink)
(gentle music)
- Oh, what your drinking
tastes like poop.
Oh, apple poop.
(Derek laughs)
(dramatic music)
- So what are you making?
What is your drink of
choice this evening?
- The drink of choice
for Amber Ruffin
this evening is a margarita,
but not just a margarita,
a spicy margarita.
- Now, why do you go
spicy on your margaritas?
- Thank you for asking,
'cause I felt like it.
(Derek laughs)
(burps) Hey everybody,
I'm Amber Ruffin.
And I'm here to talk about
The Little Rock Nine.
I can't reach you.
- I got you.
- Oh, you got up.
- One more.
(Amber sings)
One more, one more.
- Our stories
starts in Arkansas,
Little Rock, to be specific.
It's 1957, the Supreme
Court has just ruled
in the case of Brown Vs.
The Board of Education
that separate is not equal.
So their local NAACP went
out to the black community
and found nine kids to go
to Central High School,
the premier high school
in Little Rock, Arkansas.
So these kids are like, we
are The Little Rock Nine.
We are fucking nine visions
of black excellence.
We will go to school
and we'll change the
world, it'll be great.
So then the governor of
Arkansas, Orval Faubus,
finds out that these kids
are planning to integrate.
And this bitch, Orval Fartbus,
(Derek laughs)
you can fart all you
want it in a fart bus.
Anyway, Orval Fartbus was like,
hey, if these kids integrate,
the streets will
run red with blood.
Orval Fartbus is
a bitch. (laughs)
The kids show up to school
on September 4th, 1957,
the first day of school.
The senior in the group of
The Little Rock Nine
is Ernest Green.
And he is like, oh my gosh,
there is an ass load
of angry white people.
This angry white mob was
like, we don't like you.
You need to go away.
We are going to beat you up
and hang you from
a tree (laughs).
This is not funny.
Meanwhile, on the other side
of school, Elizabeth Eckford,
the ninth of The Little
Rock Nine is like,
oh fuck, I'm here all by myself.
Oh my God, there's a
huge mob of white people.
This is terrifying.
They're yelling
and they have signs
and they're shouting shit.
And they are like,
hey, you're white,
I mean, I'm white
and you're Black.
So that means I don't like you.
So she gathers herself,
and this girl is G'd up,
fucking face stone cold, and
walking through these people
who wanna pick her up
and break her in two,
just walking through like a G.
And she sees the
Arkansas National Guard.
They must be here to
help me, she thinks.
She quickens her
pace and she goes,
hey, these white people trying
to kill me, please save me.
And they like
block her entrance.
They are letting other
white students in.
She was like, what is the deal?
You are the National
fucking Guard.
If anybody needs to be
guarded, it's me here now.
So she leaves school.
She sits down at the bus stop.
And the white people
are surrounding her,
and they're like, we don't
like you, you are poopy.
She waits several
minutes for the bus.
The bus pulls up and she's like,
thank God I can finally
get out of here.
This isn't the last
I will see of you,
but also, fucking fuck, can I
just get a fucking education?
So that was the first
attempt and they lost.
So attempt number two.
They regroup, they go
at it again in a week.
They all got together this time.
And they all entered school
at the same place
at the same time.
The Little Rock Police
force escorts the children
into school and
they say, hey, look,
let me catch you out on
the street any other day,
and then who knows what, but
today we'll take care of you.
They escort the
children into school,
and they hold the line so that
the crazy angry white
mob does not act a fool.
But the angry mob, they
break through the police line
and goes into the school.
And they're like (screams)
we hate Black people so much,
we're coming in this
school to snatch you out.
So the cops are like, fuck.
So they get away in
the nick of time,
because these
people are so angry
that they like beat up cops
and push them out of they way
so they could get it to
these children, white people.
So they go to their houses.
These kids are now like, oh man,
there's nothing we can do.
I feel very discouraged.
All these white people are
extra crazy, they're very mad.
Ernest Green turns to the group,
and he says, you know what?
We need to continue
through to school
because all of these
white people are going to
think we are to be fucked with.
We absolutely can't give up.
So ba pa da do!
That story of the
crazy white people
of Little Rock, Arkansas
finds its way to Eisenhower.
And he is like, the shit
is fucking embarrassing.
These white people are
fucking my shit up.
How dare these people
think that they can
use mob mentality to overrule?
(laughs) I mean,
none of these words
are words that have ever
come out of my mouth, fuck.
So President Eisenhower says,
I'm gonna send in 1,000 troops
from the 101st Airborne,
not a hundred of them, a
hundred would have done it.
Not 200, not 300, but
1,000 of these people.
The Little Rock Nine
arrive at school together.
And the 101st Airborne is there.
And they say, hey look,
we are going to take
care of you today.
(car horn honks)
We're gonna take
care of you today.
(car horn honks)
We're gonna take--
(car horn honks)
(laughs)
Beep, where were we?
Oh, okay, so they were like,
we're gonna take
care of you today.
They escort the
children into school.
They're holding back
the crazy white people.
So The Little Rock Nine is like,
this is the shit, we did it!
We win everything,
hurray for us.
So they go into school.
But once they get into
school, they realize, oh shit,
now we have to deal
with these children.
These white children are like,
ah-ha, you finally
made it into school.
Now you belong to us.
We're gonna beat you
up every chance we get.
She's like, why?
And they're like, we don't
know exactly why we hate you.
We just know that
it's something,
our parents have
handed down to us.
And so we're just acting
in what we believe are
their best interests.
And Elizabeth is like, well,
I don't know that that
is their best interest.
Maybe if you just
get along with me,
and they're like, no!
These children give
The Little Rock Nine
hell for a whole year.
And these little babies
are being the Blackadiest,
Black, Black that ever Blacked,
and it is blackening up my soul!
Okay, so Ernest Green graduated.
And he was like, oh, thank God.
These people almost killed me.
So Ernest Green walks across
the stage, grabs his diploma,
looks out in the audience and
sees Dr. Martin Luther King!
Ernest was like, oh my God,
that is Dr. Martin
Luther The King!
He's like, these people
almost killed me,
but I did it, isn't this crazy?
And then Dr. Martin
Luther King is like,
well, there's nothing
else you have to do
'cause you've already
gone through it, good job.
Look at my nails,
they're so beautiful!
Hi, hi, so pretty!
What was I talking about?
Oh okay, then the 40 year
anniversary was in 1997.
Oprah Winfrey had
them on her show.
And Oprah Winfrey was like,
hey, Little Rock Nine, guess
who I have on the show?
The children that tormented you.
And the bullies were like, look,
back in 1957, we
were little punks,
but now we're cool
dudes who love you.
And we're sorry, because
we were mean to you.
And being mean to Black
people is not cool anymore.
So we just wanted to
absolve ourselves of that.
Their apologies were not
up to 2019 standards.
Their apologies were
frankly bullshit.
But The Little Rock
Nine forgave them
for all the terrible
things they did.
And that is more than fucking
I ever would have done.
So in 1999, President
Bill Clinton gave
each of The Little Rock Nine
the Congressional Gold Medal,
because what they went
through was fucking amazing.
It's shocking that anyone
went through it,
much less children.
Cannot point out enough
that they were children.
So The Little Rock Nine wins.
Everyone else is
a piece of shit.
The end.
Racism's fixed and
everything's fine (laughs).
- Oh cool, happy 2019.
Isn't it cool.
- (laughs) Happy 2019.
I dunno what I was saying,
but I love margaritas,
and Black people.
Hello, today we're going to
talk about Claudette Colvin.
Guess what?
In Montgomery, Alabama, in 1955,
a young Black woman became the
first person who was arrested
for not giving up her seat
to a white lady on the bus.
That young woman's name
is Claudette Colvin.
Claudette Colvin is a 15 year
old bespectacled teenager.
Uh-oh, let me say it.
Bespectacled teenager.
It's a hard word, bespectacled.
She takes the bus
home from school.
So her friends are
like, all right,
we're having a fun trip to
home, uh-oh, a white lady.
A white lady gets on the bus.
The white lady is like, hey,
you guys have to move
because I'm white.
Claudette's friends leave.
But Claudette stays and
is like, you know what?
I paid my fare the same as
this white lady paid her fare.
So Claudette's like (bleep)you,
I'm (bleep) sitting,
have a seat.
White lady's like, I
will not have a seat.
The bus driver's like,
I'm gonna get the cops.
So the cops are like, move.
Claudette's like, I
shall not be moved.
And they drag her off the bus.
The only thing she
knows to do is to go,
it's my constitutional right.
And they're like, this is 1955,
and we don't have to do
(bleep) so (bleep) you.
Claudette's like,
(bleep) 1955. (burps)
I'm sorry I burped.
I'm not sorry!
So wait, what?
- I was just saying--
- So the NAACP is
flooded with letters
saying Claudette Colvin is
so brave, she's wonderful.
And the person who
reads these letters,
the secretary of the
NAACP, Rosa Parks.
Rosa Parks goes to
Claudette Colvin's house,
and is like Claudette,
you're the (bleep).
Claudette's like,
I (bleep) know,
I'm the one who got my
ass dragged to jail.
And that's how they really
connect and become friends.
So whenever she's
at an NAACP meeting,
she spends the night
at Rosa Parks' house.
And Rosa Parks is
like, you know what?
You're great.
Claudette Colvin was
like, you're great.
They really connect.
Time passes, and E.D Nixon,
the president of their
local chapter of the NAACP,
is like, we need to
start a bus boycott.
This bus boycott will
start a revolution.
We should use Claudette
Colvin's arrest
as a reason to
boycott the buses.
People'll get behind her.
But then they were like, oh,
but not white people
because she has darker skin.
And we can't have a 15
year old as the face
of the anti-segregation
movement.
But we can have Rosa Parks
as the face of this movement.
So it's at that time
that Rosa Parks sits down
in the white section of the
bus and gets taken off to jail.
But she had to act like,
oh, I was just tired,
aren't I not-threatening,
white people?
And then white
people were like, oh,
she's just tired,
we're eating this up.
Okay.
I'm just like hyper-aware that
this very moment can
be on national TV.
(bleep) And I'm an
(bleep) right now.
Okay.
It's at this time that
the NAACP put a flyer
in the hand of every black
person in Montgomery,
including Claudette Colvin.
The flyer says, please don't
ride the bus on Monday.
We are a boycotting the
arrest of Rosa Parks.
And Claudette Colvin is like,
I can't believe
that I'm finding out
through a (bleep)
flyer that Rosa Parks
did exactly what I
did, I feel very hurt.
Claudette Colvin is like, ouch.
And at that same time she
finds out she's pregnant.
She's like (bleep).
Her high school finds
out that she's pregnant.
So she's kicked
out of high school.
She's like, (bleep)
you know what?
(bleep) this, I'm
moving to burning man.
Did I say burning man?
I thought burning man
while I said Birmingham.
Burning man, now I
can't say burning man.
Uh-oh, okay, I'm in a tailspin.
Where in the world was I?
- Well...
(Amber laughs)
- At this time, the bus boycott
has been going on
for far too long.
Fred Gray, one of the
only two Black lawyers
in Montgomery, Alabama goes
to Claudette Colvin's house.
And he's like, let's sue the
city of Montgomery for the fact
that segregation is
unconstitutional.
Will you testify?
She's like, absolutely,
let me have this baby.
So bam, she has this baby.
And they put some
people on the stand,
and Claudette is
the star witness.
She's like, your honor,
I this and I that,
and I hate (bleep) segregation.
The judge is like, (burps)
segregation is unconstitutional.
They win the case.
So she was like, you're welcome,
Montgomery, (bleep) Alabama.
I ended segregation, peace,
I'm moving to New York
to become a nurse.
She moved to New York.
(laughs) Earlier I felt okay.
And then after
that I felt drunk.
But then now it's really drunk.
Okay, 55 years later,
a reporter finds her,
and is like, are you
a Claudette Colvin?
Didn't you do the
thing that everyone
kind of thinks Rosa Parks
did, but she didn't, you did?
And she's like, yes,
it was me, it was me.
And the reporter was
like, aren't you jealous
of Rosa Parks and how
everyone celebrates her?
And Claudette Colvin said,
I made my peace with that.
I'm just satisfied that
my children can sit
wherever they want on the bus.
The End!
(sings)
- Wow, well you just crush that.
- Thank you, it's my job
right now to tell stories.
How are you, cup?
Hey everyone, my
name is Amber Ruffin.
And I'm gonna talk to you today
about the Angel of the
Battlefield, Clara Barton!
Okay, our story begins
during the Civil War.
It's got (bleep)fatalities,
(bleep) people are...
(gasps) I'm cussing so bad.
- It's okay.
- Okay.
So the union army's
surgeon, Dr. James Dunn,
was like, hey dudes,
this is some bullshit.
We are low on antiseptic,
we are low on bandages.
We do not have the supplies
to handle the amount
of blood shed.
(laughs)
Okay, meanwhile, a
teacher, Clara Barton,
is like, I will worry about
the soldiers of the Union Army.
Hello government, we need
more medical supplies.
Can you help me help
your (bleep) soldiers?
And the government
is like, (groans) no.
And she's like, you know what?
Your bitch ass needs to
(bleep) come correct.
They're like, we will
not come (bleep) correct.
Oh no, I spilled it!
Sorry, I'm yelling.
Oh my gosh, I'm also
sorry for being sorry.
'Cause who does that help?
No one!
(screams)
Okay, so she asked the
Ladies' Aid Society,
send me medical supplies
and I will bring them to
the (bleep) front lines.
Meanwhile, in
Sharpsburg, Maryland,
(bleep) the Confederate
General Robert E. Lee
was like, it is
September 17th, 1862.
And that's when the
Battle of Antietam began.
The Battle of Anteitam,
bam, bam, boom!
(laughs)
The Battle of Anteitam
was the bloodiest
single-day battle
in American history.
So James Dunn is like, we
are grossly under-prepared.
And it's at that exact moment
that in burst Clara Barton
with a train of wagons
filled with supplies.
And she's like,
watch out everybody
'cause the Union is coming
(bleep) suck a (bleep).
You're welcome everybody.
I brought your ass,
everything you need.
Dr. James Dunn is like,
I need antiseptic.
She's like, I got that shit.
He's like, do you have bandages?
She's like, yeah,
bitch, I got bandages.
He's like, what we need is
(bleep) normal shit
like socks and food.
And she's like, you know what?
Abracadabra, bitch.
And he's like, oh my God,
you are the Angel
of the Battlefield.
Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
She's like, stop thanking
me, I have work to do.
She starts working
on wounded soldiers
with no experience whatsoever.
And at that moment, a
bullet pierces her sleeve,
and she's like, do you
see this shit, dude?
And the guy is like, I don't
see that shit 'cause I'm dead.
'Cause the bullet that
pierced her sleeve
killed the very
guy she was saving.
So she's like, this sucks,
but I am going to move
on to the next thing.
And move on to the
next thing she does.
And at the end of the
day, Dr. James Dunn
is sitting by himself
in a dark barn.
Clara Barton is like,
Dr. Dunn, what the
(bleep) are you doing?
He's like, I am depressed.
Night has fallen,
I can't see shit.
Hundreds of soldiers will die.
Clara Barton is like,
bitch, don't you know?
She grabs him by the hand,
she takes him to another barn.
And this barn is
lit with lanterns.
She's like, you think I
(bleep) brought your ass socks,
but I didn't bring you lanterns
to (bleep) light your surgeries?
What the (bleep)
is wrong with you?
And he was like, I
love you so much.
You are truly the Angel
of the Battlefield.
Clara Barton is like, you
done called me that already,
(bleep) come up with
some new shit. (burps)
She doesn't burp,
but I wish she did,
so that I could also burp.
She's like, Amber, if you feel
like burping, you can burp.
And I'm like, I'm
drunker than you think.
She's like, you're very drunk.
And I'm like, yep.
Okay, so it's the
end of the war,
and everyone is like
Clara Barton, you rule,
and someone special
wants to meet
with you, President
Abraham Lincoln!
And President Lincoln
is like, Clara Barton,
you did such a good job
at the Battle of Antietam,
you need to be the head
of the office, offices,
the office, Lincoln is drunk,
but what he means
is Clara Barton,
you need to be the head of the
Office of Missing Soldiers.
She's like, I
will, I super will.
And so she finds
over 22,000 soldiers.
President Lincoln is
like, bitch is on fire.
And then they kiss.
Just kidding, they never kissed.
And in 1878, Clara
Barton started
the American Chapter
of the Red Cross.
Clara Barton is like,
I am the founder of
the American Red Cross,
plus I'm the Angel
of the Battlefield.
I (bleep) changed
America itself, I win.
And everyone is
like, you do win.
The end.
- That was great.
- (bleep) Thanks Clara.
- You want some water?
- No, water is for pussies.
(dramatic music)
