>> Stephen: DO HYDRATE, DO
HYDRATE.
>> GOT IT IN EARLY.
>> Stephen: WE HAVE TALKING TO
DO.
YOU DON'T WANT YOUR TONGUE TO
GUM UP.
YOU HAVE A NEW MEMOIR HERE.
>> I DO, YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S BOLD, TO
WRITE A MEMOIR.
HAVE YOU WRITTEN ONE BEFORE?
>> IT'S ALL IN POLLED, YES.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
>> I WANTED EVERYTHING EMPHATIC,
YEAH IS THERE I LIKE THE TITLE.
IT'S CALLED "FAILURE IS AN
OPTION."
( LAUGHTER )
"AN ATTEMPTED MEMOIR."
THAT'S HONEST.
>> THE BOOK DIDN'T GO SO WELL,
IF YOU READ IT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
>> YOU'VE GOT TO READ IT, AND
YOU'LL REALIZE THE BOOK'S A
MAJOR FAILURE.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: SO IT'S HONEST?
>> IT'S HONEST.
>> Stephen: IT'S HONEST.
>> YEAH IT'S HONESTLY POORLY
WRITTEN.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: WHY-- WHY IS
FAILURE AN OPTION?
WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT?
>> IT'S-- LIKE, IT'S EASIER
GOING.
>> Stephen: OH, OKAY.
>> YEAH.
LOWER EXPECTATIONS.
>> Stephen: RIGHT, YEAH.
I MAY NOT THE BE HERO OF MY OWN
LIFE STORY.
>> RIGHT.
THE LESSON OF THE BOOK IS IF YOU
FAIL, MOST WOULD SAY, YOU KNOW,
GET BETTER.
I SAY FAIL AGAIN.
AND THEN FAIL AGAIN.
AND THEN FAIL AGAIN.
AND THEN FAIL AGAIN.
AND THEN WRITE A BOOK.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THERE'S A CERTAIN
PURITY TO THAT.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: NOW, THIS THING,
IT'S-- IT'S GOT ILLUSTRATIONS IN
IT.
BECAUSE YOU FAIL AT SO MANY
THINGS.
>> YEAH IS THERE YOU TALK ABOUT
FAILING AT SO MANY THINGS IN
HERE.
YOU FAIL AS A FATHER.
>> YUP, YEAH.
THAT'S A TOUGH ONE TO SAY
PUBLICLY, BUT, YEAH.
>> Stephen: BUT YOU FAIL AT
YOUR BAR MITZVAH.
>> I DID.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU FAIL AT
A BAR MITZVAH?
YOU'RE A MAN.
YOU BECAME A MAN, RIGHT?
>> YEAH, BUT LOOK AT ME.
( LAUGHTER )
I HAVEN'T GROWN SINCE.
YEAH.
I'M THE SAME SIZE AS I WAS THEN.
>> Stephen: YOU FAIL AT-- YOU
FAIL AT SEX?
I CAN'T SHOW THESE.
THESE ARE FAILED SEXUAL
POSITIONS RIGHT THERE.
>> THOSE ARE --
>> Stephen: AREN'T THEY?
>> OH, MY LORD!
>> Stephen: IT'S YOUR BOOK.
>> PUT THAT (BLEEP) AWAY.
PUT THAT AWAY.
>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE, AND SHE
LOOKS REALLY BORED HERE.
>> I'LL DESCRIBE IT.
THEY'RE SEXUAL POSITIONS I CAME
UP WITH THAT ARE AWKWARD.
>> Stephen: MOST SEXUAL
POSITIONS ARE ACTUALLY AWKWARD.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: IF YOU THOUGHT
ABOUT IT, IF YOU SAID, "HEY,
LET'S LIE IN THIS PARTICULAR
WAY?"
YOU'D SAY, "THAT'S AN AWKWARD
WAY IT LIE DOWN."
>> GET ON TOP OF ME-- THAT IS
AWKWARD.
>> Stephen: SEE, CBS, STOP
RIGHT THERE.
>> THAT'S IT!
THAT'S ALL DI.
>> Stephen: IT'S ALREADY TOO
MUCH!
IT'S ALREADY TOO MUCH.
YOU'RE ALL BLURRED.
YOU'RE TOTALLY BLURRED.
>> A LITTLE BIT, A LITTLE!
>> Stephen: NO!
I HAVE TO COVER-- NOW YOU SAY--
YOU HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO ME--
YOU SAY YOU FAIL AT A THREE
SELL.
>> DI.
>> Stephen: IF YOU'RE IN A
THREE SELL, HAVEN'T YOU
SUCCEEDED ON A CERTAIN LEVEL.
HOW DO YOU FAIL SAY THREESOME?
>> THE STORY IS I WAS IN COLLEGE
AND I WAS IN MY DORM ROOM WITH A
GIRL AND ANOTHER GUY FROM THE
DORM.
AND HE PROPOSED THAT WE HAVE A
THREESOME.
>> Stephen: OUT OF NOWHERE OR
WAS SOMETHING GOING TO HAPPEN
ANYWAY?
>> I THINK THERE WAS SOME
CONVERSATION BEFORE, BUT I THINK
HE WAS LIKE, "LET'S HAVE A
THREESOME.
WE'RE ALREADY HERE.
WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
WE'RE IN A DORM ROOM."
>> Stephen: SURE.
HOW OLD ARE YOU HERE?
>> I WOULD SAY 19.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> OKAY.
AND THEN I WAS, LIKE-- IN MY
HEAD, I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
LIKE, I DIDN'T UPON TO HAVE A
THREESOME IN THAT MOMENT, AND HE
DID.
AND, FORTUNATELY, SHE WAS LIKE,
"I'LL GO GET MY DIAGRAM."
DIAGRAM-- NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THAT
IS.
IT'S A CONTRACEPTIVE DEVICE.
>> Stephen: INVENTED BY
GENERAL EISENHOWER.
REALLY OLD FASHIONED.
>> THAT'S HOW HE GOT THE
PRESIDENCY.
>> Stephen: THEY PADDLED
ACROSS THE ENGLISH CANAL ON
DIAPHRAGMS AND LANDED ON THE
BEACH.
THAT'S HOW OLD THEY ARE.
>> DIAPHRAGMS WON THE WAR FOR
US.
>> Stephen: EXACTLY, EXACTLY.
YEAH, OKAY.
>> WE PUT THEM ON EVERYBODY, ON
OUR ENEMY.
PUT THAT ON!
>> Stephen: SO, IT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN.
>> SO IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.
SO I'M, LIKE, MORTIFIED IT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE NOT
COMPETED AT ALL.
>> NO, I'M OF I WAS NOT TO BEGIN
WITH.
SHE CAME BACK, DIAPHRAGM --
>> Stephen: YES, YES, YES.
WE KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.
>> CBS.
>> Stephen: YES.
YES.
>> SO HE-- HE MADE THE BOLD
DECISION TO TAKE HIS CLOTHES OFF
THE SECOND SHE LEFT.
HE DISROBED IMMEDIATELY.
>> Stephen: SO-- DO YOU HAVE
YOUR CLOTHES ON?
>> I HAVE MY CLOTHES ON.
I'M LIKE, "I DON'T WANT TO DO
THIS.
AND HE'S LIKE, "TAKE YOUR CLOTHE
OFFS."
>> Stephen: HAD YOU EVER BEEN
NAKED WITH THIS MAN BEFORE?
>> NO, NO, AND-- I NO, NO.
>> Stephen: WAS IT A GOOD
FRIEND?
>> HE WAS, LIKE, ON MY FLOOR.
NO.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SO HE'S JUST SOME
GUY IN COLLEGE?
>> KIND OF.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WHY HAD YOU
GOTTEN THIS FAR?
WHY HAVEN'T YOU BACKED OUT
BEFORE?
>> I CAN'T DESCRIBE EVERYTHING
THAT CAME BEFORE THIS MOMENT BUT
WE WERE ALL IN SAME DORM.
HE WAS NOT MY BEST FRIEND.
>> Stephen: GOT IT.
SHE RETURNS.
>> HE UNDRESSES, SO HE'S NAKED.
SO YES, I SEE HIM NAKED AND HE'S
VERY EXCITED.
>> Stephen: GO AHEAD.
>> I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: SURE, I DO.
>> HE'S NAKED AND HE'S EXCITE
GLD YES.
GO AHEAD.
GO AHEAD.
AND YOU NOT SO MUCH.
>> I'M FULLY CLOTHED AND, LIKE,
IN A FLOP SWEAT.
LIKE, I'M TOTALLY PANICKED.
>> Stephen: SO SHE COMES BACK,
AND SHE SEES HEM LIKE ABSOLUTELY
YOU COULD CHIP A TOOTH.
AND-- THANKS.
AND-- AND YOU'RE THERE JUST
LIKE-- JUST A SHRINKING VIOLET,
OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ).
>> HOLDING MY SHIRT.
>> Stephen: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
DOES SHE GO LIKE, "THIS-- THIS
IS WHAT I EXPECTED!"
>> WELL IT WAS HAPPENING VERY
QUICKLY.
SO THEY SORT OF USHERED ME, AS I
STARTED-- I FELT THE NEED-- THE
RESPONSIBILITY IN THAT MOMENT TO
DISROBE AS WELL.
I GUESS I JUST WAS LIKE, I'LL GO
WITH IT.
THEY LED ME OVER TO THE BED.
>> Stephen: YES, AND THEN THEY
STARTED TO MAKE LOVE.
AND EVIDENCE JUST LAYING NEXT TO
THEM.
( LAUGHTER )
I DECIDE-- I DECIDED TO NOT GET
INVOLVED.
I-- I MADE --
>> Stephen: "I'M NOT GOING TO
GET INVOLVED.
OFFICER, I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO
GET INVOLVED."
YOU'RE NAKED!
>> I SAW IT.
>> Stephen: YOU SAW IT!
DID YOU HOLD ANYBODY'S HAIR?
>> I THINK I LIGHTLY STROAKD
HER.
>> Stephen: AND THAT'S IN THE
BOOK?
>> THAT'S IN THE BOOK.
>> Stephen: FOLKS, IT'S IN THE
BOOK.
>> IT'S IN THE BOOK.
( LAUGHTER )
I SHOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING!
IT WAS MY FAULT!
YEAH, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.
WELL, DO WE-- WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
WE HAVE KMOVE ON.
ONE OF MY OTHER THINGS--
>> THIS IS THE END OF THE SHOW.
THIS, LEAK THE END.
>> Stephen: OH, YES, THIS IS
ABSOLUTELY IT.
IN THE MONTAGE OF "THE LATE
SHOW"" THIS IS THE LAST SCENE.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO QUIT RIGHT
NOW AND WALK AWAY.
>> Stephen: WE'RE PEAKING.
>> I CERTAINLY WASN'T DURING
THAT.
( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ONLY TIME YOU'VE
HAD THAT OPPORTUNITY?
IS THAT THE ONLY TIME YOU'VE HAD
THAT OPPORTUNITY?
>> I DIDN'T DO THAT AGAIN WHERE
I LAID DOWN NEXT TO TWO PEOPLE
MAKING LOVE.
>> Stephen: ONE OF THE GREAT
FAILURES YOU'VE HAD THAT I
ENJOYED, YOU DID PUT OUT AN
ACTUAL JAZZ ALBUM.
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: JON BENJAMIN JAZZ
DAREDEVIL, OKAY.
"WELL I SHOULD HAVE."
YOU LEARNED TO PLAY THE PIANO.
YOU ATTEMPTED-- YOU ATTEMPTED TO
MAKE AN ALBUM, A JAZZ ALBUM,
WHERE YOU PLAY JAZZ PIANO AND
YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE
PIANO AT ALL.
DID YOU-- AND LAST TIME WE WERE
HERE-- LAST TIME WE WERE HERE
YOU WENT OVER AND PLAYED WITH
JON.
>> I MEANT TO CALL YOU BACK.
AND THAT WAS, LIKE, A YEAR AGO.
>> Stephen: YOU GUYS WERE
WORKING ON A PROJECT.
>> I HAD AN IDEA FOR THE SECOND
ALBUM, WHERE-- BECAUSE I
COULDN'T PLAY ON THE FIRST ONE.
MY INITIAL IDEA WAS THAT I WAS
GOING TO LEARN HOW TO PLAY
PIANO, BUT I TOOK TWO LESSONS
AND I WAS LIKE THIS IS AWFUL.
I'LL NEVER BE AEB TO LEARN IN 10
YEARS.
SO I CALLED JON, AND ASKED HIM
IF-- I WAS GOING TO ASK HIM-- WE
DIDN'T GET IN TOUCH.
( LAUGHTER )
BUT NOW WE'RE IN TOUCH RIGHT
NOW.
I WAS GOING TO ASK YOU TO PLAY,
AND THEN GIFT ME YOUR PART.
>> Jon: OH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: SO HE PLAYS, AND
YOU--
>> HE PLAYS AND THEN SAYS,
"BEQUEATH JON BENJAMIN THIS
PIANO TRACK," AND THEN I WOULD
PUT OUT THE ALBUM.
>> Stephen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO
TRY A LITTLE SOMETHING ELSE
AGAIN WITH THE BAND?
ANY INTEREST?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> DO-- DO-- DO YOU HAVE A
MELODICA?
>> Stephen: JON, YOU HAVE A
MELODICA, RIGHT?
>> Jon: I HAVE A COUPLE OVER
HERE.
>> Stephen: YOU DO IT, MAN.
I'LL OUTROW WHILE YOU'RE
PLAYING.
BEFORE WE GO OUT, THE NEW SEASON
OF ARCHER AIRS WEDNESDAY NIGHTS
ON FXX.
