- I'M SURE YOU HEARD
THERE'S LOTS OF STUFF
GOING ON WITH APPLE THESE DAYS,
HUH?
THERE'S A NEW IPHONE 6
AND AN IWATCH AND--
DON'T GET EXCITED.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING FOR YOU.
THEY'RE LIKE, "OH,
SHE'S GONNA GIVE US ONE."
UH-UH.
I GOT NOTHING.
THEY ANNOUNCED SOMETHING
THAT'S CALLED APPLE PAY.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT APPLE PAY?
IT LETS YOU BUY THINGS
RIGHT THROUGH YOUR PHONE,
AND THEY'RE SAYING NOW
IT'S GONNA COMPLETELY REPLACE
YOUR WALLET,
WHICH IS GREAT, 'CAUSE NOBODY
EVER LOSES THEIR PHONE.
[laughter]
[chuckles]
NO PROBLEMS WITH THAT.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO CARRY CASH
OR CREDIT CARDS ANYMORE.
AND I JUST WANT TO SAY,
I AM HAPPY TO TAKE THOSE
OFF YOUR HANDS.
YOU DON'T NEED TO CUT THEM UP
OR CANCEL THEM.
PLEASE SEND THEM TO ME
AT THE ADDRESS ON YOUR SCREEN
RIGHT NOW.
DON'T FORGET TO INCLUDE
YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME.
THANK YOU.
TECHNOLOGY HAS COME
SUCH A LONG WAY.
IT'S CRAZY TO THINK ABOUT IT.
LIKE, A CHILD BORN TODAY
MAY NEVER KNOW ABOUT CASH
OR CREDIT CARDS.
I MEAN, WHAT ARE THEY GONNA
STEAL FROM THEIR MOM'S PURSE?
LIKE, CIGARETTES.
THAT'S ABOUT IT.
I HAVE A LITTLE
THREE-YEAR-OLD NIECE--
OR MAYBE SHE'S FOUR
OR NINE.
SHE'S PRECIOUS.
AND I WATCHED HER GROW UP
WITH THIS TECHNOLOGY.
IT'S AMAZING,
'CAUSE KIDS LEARN SO QUICKLY.
SHE USES THE IPAD
BETTER THAN ANY ADULT
I'VE EVER SEEN.
SHE ALSO TRIES TO EAT IT,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.
OBVIOUSLY,
KIDS ARE GOOD AT TECHNOLOGY
'CAUSE THEY GREW UP WITH IT,
BUT THEN I THOUGHT,
"WELL, WHAT IF I INVITE
A FEW KIDS HERE,
"AND I INTRODUCE THEM
TO SOME THINGS
THAT I GREW UP TO SEE
IF THEY WOULD RECOGNIZE IT?"
SO FIRST I INTRODUCED THEM
TO THE VERY FIRST CELL PHONE.
- SO, REBECCA AND TRE,
I BROUGHT AN ITEM,
AND I WOULD LIKE YOU
TO TELL ME WHAT THIS IS.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?
- A PHONE.
- I KNOW WHAT IT IS.
AND IT'S NOT
ANY ORDINARY PHONE.
IT'S A OLDEN TIME PHONE.
- YEAH, THEY USED THAT
BACK IN THE DAY.
- BACK IN THE DAY.
WHEN YOU SAY "BACK IN THE DAY"
AND YOU SAY "AN OLD TIME PHONE,"
HOW LONG AGO DO YOU THINK
THIS WAS USED?
- OH, 100.
- 100 YEARS AGO?
- YEAH, IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE
NO FACETIME.
- NO.
I MEAN, YOU COULD DO IT,
BUT NO ONE WOULD SEE IT.
YOU'D JUST BE TALKING
RIGHT INTO THE PHONE.
- AND, LIKE, IF SOMEBODY
WALKED IN,
THEY WOULD BE, LIKE, "WHY ARE
YOU TALKING INTO A PHONE?"
- RIGHT,
AND THEN THEY'D HAUL YOU AWAY
AND PUT YOU IN THE LOONY BIN.
- YEAH.
- LOONY BIN?
- YEAH, YOU KNOW.
TRYING TO HELP THEM LEARN.
AND THEN I--
[applause]
I INTRODUCED THEM
TO THE TYPEWRITER.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
both: UM...
- FIRST YOU HAVE TO FIND
THE ON BUTTON.
- UH...
- THIS?
I DON'T SEE...
- NO. HMM.
HMM. HMM.
- ALL RIGHT,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TURN IT ON.
JUST PUT THAT IN.
I'M JUST KIDDING WITH YOU.
OKAY.
[snores]
DO YOU KNOW HOW TO MAKE A CALL
ON THAT THING?
- MM-MM.
- I'LL SHOW YOU.
HELLO? HELLO?
[both laugh]
OKAY,
YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.
THAT'S HOW YOU WOULD DO IT.
DO YOU TYPE A LOT?
- YEAH.
- WHAT DO YOU TYPE?
- I WORK ON SCRIPTS.
- YOU WRITE SCRIPTS.
- YEAH.
- WHAT, LIKE A MOVIE SCRIPT?
- YEAH.
- WHAT'S THE NAME
OF THE MOVIE SCRIPT
THAT YOU'RE WORKING ON?
- "THE LOST ISLAND."
- "THE LOST ISLAND."
WHAT'S IT ABOUT?
- WELL, IT'S ABOUT--
I GOT INSPIRED
BY "INDIANA JONES."
IT'S ABOUT THESE
TWO ARCHAEOLOGISTS
THAT HAVE TO FIND
THE LOST ISLAND.
THE LOST ISLAND
IS WHERE YOU CAN GET
THE POWER OF MOTHER NATURE
ITSELF.
- PEN.
ARCHAEOLOGISTS ARE--
THEY'RE--
- TRYING TO FIND
THE LOST ISLAND.
- I NEED THAT TYPEWRITER
REAL QUICK.
- AND IF YOU FIND THE TEMPLE
OF THE LOST ISLAND--
- [gasps]
- THEY'RE TRYING TO FIND WHAT?
- THEY TRY TO FIND THE TEMPLE
OF THE LOST ISLAND.
- SLOW DOWN. SLOW DOWN.
TEMPLE OF THE LOST...
- ISLAND.
AND WHEN THEY--
AND THEY WILL GET THE POWER
OF MOTHER NATURE IF THEY--
- THEY'LL GET THE WHAT?
- THE POWER OF MOTHER NATURE
IF THEY FIND THE TEMPLE,
BUT THE JEWISH ARE PLANNING
TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
THE JEWISH ARE PLANNING
TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD
IF THEY FIND IT.
- THE JEWISH ARE PLANNING
ON TAKING OVER THE WORLD?
- YEAH.
IF THEY FIND THE...
- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
[cheers and applause]
AH.
OBVIOUSLY, HE GOT CONFUSED.
IT WAS A REFERENCE
TO "INDIANA JONES."
AND HE ASSURED ME ONE OF
HIS BEST FRIENDS IS JEWISH.
[laughter]
FINALLY, MOST PEOPLE
USE VOICE MAIL NOW,
BUT HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN I BROUGHT IN
AN OLD ANSWERING MACHINE.
TELL ME WHAT THIS IS.
- IT'S LIKE A RADIO,
BUT IT HAS A SPEAKER
SO YOU CAN TALK THROUGH.
- IT WAS A RECORDING MACHINE,
SO IF SOMEONE CALLED
AND YOU WEREN'T HOME,
THEY WOULD LEAVE A MESSAGE.
LIKE, HERE.
YOU'RE CALLING ME.
AND THEN I'LL LEAVE THE MESSAGE.
HI, IT'S ELLEN.
I'M NOT HERE RIGHT NOW.
LEAVE A MESSAGE,
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- OKAY.
- BEEP.
OH, IT DIDN'T--
I DIDN'T GIVE YOU ENOUGH TIME.
OKAY, LET ME TRY IT AGAIN.
HEY, IT'S ELLEN.
I'M NOT HOME,
BUT IF YOU LEAVE A MESSAGE,
I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- HI.
CALL ME BACK
WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE.
- BEEP.
[laughs]
I DIDN'T LEAVE ENOUGH TIME.
OKAY.
HEY, IT'S ELLEN.
I'M NOT HOME.
LEAVE A MESSAGE,
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- UM...
- BEEP.
HI, IT'S ELLEN.
I'M NOT HOME.
LEAVE A MESSAGE,
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- HI.
CALL ME BACK WHEN YOU CAN.
- BEEP.
YOU DIDN'T SAY YOUR NAME.
TRY IT AGAIN.
HEY, IT'S ELLEN.
I'M NOT HOME.
LEAVE A MESSAGE,
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- HI, IT'S REBECCA.
CALL ME BACK.
- BEEP.
- [laughs]
- THIS IS ELLEN.
LEAVE A MESSAGE,
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- HI, IT'S REBECCA,
AND CALL ME BACK.
- BEEP.
YOU HAD A LOT MORE TIME.
- [sighs]
- YOU HAD SO MUCH MORE TIME.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TRY--
WE'LL LET WILLIAM TRY IT.
HI, THIS IS ELLEN.
LEAVE A MESSAGE,
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- HI, THIS IS WILLIAM--
- BEEP.
- AND I--
- BEEP.
- OH, REALLY?
- HI, THIS IS ELLEN.
LEAVE A MESSAGE,
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- UM...
- BEEP.
- REALLY?
- HI, THIS IS ELLEN.
I'M NOT HOME.
LEAVE A MESSAGE,
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- HI, THIS IS WILLIAM,
AND I'LL CALL YOU BACK.
- IF YOU'RE GONNA CALL ME BACK,
WHY'D YOU LEAVE A MESSAGE?
- [laughs]
- OH.
[all laugh]
- THIS MACHINE
IS SO COMPLICATED.
- I KNOW.
IT'S JUST SO COMPLICATED.
THAT'S WHY THEY GOT RID OF IT.
WE HAVE TO WRAP IT UP,
BECAUSE I HAVE TO GET GOING.
YOU HAVE A MICROPHONE.
GO AHEAD AND SAY
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY
OR SING
WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SING.
- UM...
- BEEP.
OH.
- [groans]
- WHAT?
OKAY, THIS THING DOESN'T WORK.
- WHAT DO VOLCANOES
EAT FOR DINNER?
- IS IT "ASHED POTATOES?"
- NOPE.
PAINT DROPS.
- [chuckles]
- BEEP.
- AWKWARD.
- [laughs]
OKAY, YOU TWO KIDS.
IT'S BEEN LOVELY
TALKING TO YOU.
I'LL WALK YOU OUT.
- OKAY.
BYE, EVERYONE.
NICE SEEING YOU.
- BYE.
- AH.
I LOVE THOSE KIDS.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
