>> THANK YOU.
OH MAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
I'VE NEVER HEARD SOMEONE SAY THE
PHRASE "THE ONLY MAN WHO HAS
EVER HAD SEX" OUT LOUD.
THAT FELT GOOD.
I'M CALLING IT THAT, BECAUSE
IT'S TRUE.
YOU SHOULD TRY IT, IT'S GREAT.
ALL RIGHT, UM, SO GOOD.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?
WHAT'S UP, REGGIE.
OK, COOL.
YOU GUYS COULD GET OUT OF HERE.
I DIDN'T WRITE JOKES.
DO YOU GUYS KNOW ANY JOKES?
I'LL START.
HA-HA.
I'M 36 YEARS OLD, MAN.
I'M 36.
AND I LOVE IT.
I LOVE BEING IN MY 30'S, BECAUSE
-- IT'S THE BEST!
YEAH.
IT'S THE BEST!
I -- AND THE REASON IT'S THE
BEST IS BECAUSE BEING IN YOUR
20'S IS BAD.
IT'S AWFUL.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S BAD.
THE ENTIRE TIME.
YOU COULD SUM UP MY ENTIRE 20'S
WITH ONE PHRASE.
"AMANDA."
THE WHOLE THING!
[LAUGHTER]
 EVERYTHING IS BETTER NOW.
EVERYTHING ABOUT MY LIFE IS
BETTER IN MY 30'S.
I DON'T THROWUP ANYMORE.
I HAVE A TEA POT.
IT'S SICK, DUDE.
IT'S SO GOOD.
[LAUGHTER]
I HAVE MY OWN APARTMENT.
IT'S RIGHT BY PETA HEADQUARTERS.
YEAH.
MY FAVORITE PLACE!
I, UM, YEAH, IT'S RIGHT BY PETA
HEADQUARTERS.
FIRST OF ALL, I SAID IT TO A GUY
IN A BAR ONCE AND HE GOES.
>> OH, THE BREAD?"
[LAUGHTER]
YEAH.
HE'S THE DUMBEST PERSON WHO EVER
LIVED.
YEAH.
[LAUGHTER]
I LIVE BY THE HEADQUARTERS OF
FLAT BREAD.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU'RE VERY SMART.
YEAH.
PETA IS WEIRD BECAUSE, LOOK,
ANIMAL RIGHTS, THAT'S A VALIANT
FIGHT.
THAT'S HONORABLE.
WE SHOULD BE DOING THAT, ALSO
PETA IS DUMB.
[LAUGHTER]
I FEEL VERY CONFLICTED ABOUT
THEM.
THIS IS TRUE.
THEIR CATCH PHRASE NOWADAYS IS
"ANIMALS ARE PEOPLE, TOO."
[LAUGHTER]
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY'RE NOT.
YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW THEY'RE NOT?
BECAUSE ANIMALS IS A DIFFERENT
WORD THAN PEOPLE IS.
[LAUGHTER]
IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.
WATERMELONS ARE MONEY.
NO, THEY'RE NOT.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY OWN A BILLBOARD OVER THEIR
BUILDING.
IT'S ALWAYS DUMB.
THE -- LIKE, OK, THE ONE OVER
4th OF JULY LAST YEAR, IT
WAS A PICTURE OF A SCARED DOG,
AND IT SAID "DON'T USE
FIREWORKS.
THEY SCARE THE DOG."
AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT!
AT ALL!
BECAUSE THE DOG IS SCARED FOR
ONE DAY!
I LIVE IN FEAR!
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S A NIGHTMARE OUT THERE.
LEARN TO DEAL WITH STRESS, YOU
COWARD DOG!
[LAUGHTER]
MY FAVORITE ONE THEY PUT UP,
IT'S THE SAME EVERY YEAR ON
THANKSGIVING.
IT'S THE PICTURE OF A TURKEY IT
SAYS "YOU WOULDN'T EAT YOUR DOG,
SO WHY WOULD YOU EAT A TURKEY?"
WHAT?
BECAUSE?
I DON'T KNOW!
WHAT IS THIS LOGIC!
YOU WOULDN'T EAT YOUR DOG SO YOU
WOULDN'T EAT A TURKEY.
YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR
SISTER, SO WHY WOULD YOU HAVE
SEX WITH YOUR WIFE?
[LAUGHTER]
BECAUSE!
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE SEX WITH MY
FAMILY!
I ACTUALLY DON'T EAT MY FAMILY.
THAT'S THE THING THEY DON'T SEEM
TO UNDERSTAND.
IT'S NOT THAT IT'S A DOG IT'S MY
DOG.
I'LL EAT YOUR DOG.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
WOW.
THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE ALL
CLAPPING FOR.
[LAUGHTER]
I WILL EAT YOUR DOG.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S TRUE, MAN.
I EAT MEAT.
COOK YOUR DOG.
I'LL EAT IT.
LET'S GO.
I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA, AND I ALSO
TRAVEL A LOT.
I COULD TELL YOU THAT THERE ARE
PEOPLE IN AMERICA WHO STILL
THINK IN CALIFORNIA WE ALL WALK
AROUND ALL THE TIME LIKE,
HA-HA-HA.
WE ALL LIKE -- WE ALL LIKE SURF
TO WORK, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THAT STEREOTYPE IS TRUE IF
YOU GO TO ORANGE COUNTY,
CALIFORNIA.
IT JUST IS.
IF YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO ORANGE
COUNTY, IMAGINE IF A HUMAN BEING
COULD BE A FLIP-FLOP --
[LAUGHTER]
-- THAT'S EVERYONE.
EVERYONE IN ORANGE COUNTY,
CALIFORNIA.
I WAS THERE.
I MET LIKE AN O.C. DUDE.
LIKE A SURFER DUDE, YOU KNOW?
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THOSE PEOPLE
WERE REAL.
THIS GUY HE WALKED UP TO ME.
THIS IS WHAT HE SAID, "WASUP,
DUDE.
HELL YEAH!"
THAT WAS HIS OPENING LINE.
HE SAID "HELLO" AND THEN HE
CELEBRATED HIS OWN HELLO
IMMEDIATELY AFTER IT!
HE WAS JUST WHAT YOU WOULD
PICTURE, TOO.
SUPER TALL WHITE DUDE, LONG,
BEAUTIFUL, CURLILY BLOND HAIR.
HIS BODY I WAS SURFBOARD.
HIS HEAD WAS A PINEAPPLE.
[LAUGHTER]
HE SAID THIS THING TO ME THAT
WAS A COMPLIMENT OF MY COMEDY,
BUT I HAD TO GATHER THAT FROM
CONTEXT CLUES, BECAUSE THIS IS
WHAT HE SAID.
"HELL, YEAH, DUDE, THAT WAS
SERIOUSLY ALL THE TIME."
WHAT DID THAT MEAN?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
THAT WAS SERIOUSLY ALL THE TIME?
IT SOUNDS LIKE HE LEFT TWO FULL
MINUTES OUT OF THE MIDDLE OF HIS
SENTENCE!
[LAUGHTER]
DUDE, THAT WAS SERIOUSLY [BLEEP]
ALL THE TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
OH, OK.
WOW, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
YEAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE HE WAS
TRYING TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE
THIS, HELL YEAH, DUDE, THAT WAS
SERIOUSLY SO FUNNY, DUDE.
DUDE, I LAUGHED SO HARD, DUDE, I
NEEDED IT, BECAUSE, BRO, MY BEST
BRO IS IN ACOMA RIGHT NOW, DUDE.
HELL YEAH, DUDE.
HE'S MESSED UP, DUDE.
HE WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, DUDE.
HE STRAIGHT-UP SKATED OFF A
BRIDGE.
HE'S MY BEST BRO, DUDE.
AND I'M WORRIED I MIGHT LOSE
HIM, DUDE.
I'M WORRIED HE MIGHT DIE, DUDE.
EVERY DAY, I GO INTO HIS
HOSPITAL ROOM AND WEEP, DUDE.
DUDE.
DUDE, I JUST WEEP, BRO.
DO YOU EVER WEEP, DUDE?
I'M IN THERE LAST NIGHT, DUDE.
JUST WEEPING, DUDE.
JUST FEELING THESE TEARS
CASCADING DOWN MY CHEEKS, BRO.
JUST ROLLING DOWN MY NECK ONTO
MY HURLEY SURE THE, DOWN.
I'M STANDING THERE WEEPING,
DUDE, THINKING HOW I'M GOING TO
LOSE THIS DUDE, HE SHOOTS UP IN
BED, DUDE AND WAKES UP FROM HIS
ACOMA FOR A MOMENT.
HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, MY
WHOLE LIFE, I FELT LIKE A
CHOCOLATE EASTER BUNNIES, BRO.
BEAUTIFUL AND SWEET ON THE
OUTSIDE BUT HOLLOW AND EMPTY IN
THE MIDDLE, AND, DUDE, DAVE, I
THINK ABOUT THAT ALL THE TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
BYE.
