 
At the End of the Rainbow

JACQUELINE HAMILTON
Copyright 2018 Jacqueline Hamilton

All rights are reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions of it without permission.
Acknowledgments

To my friend Robert, who never answered a question without a smile on his face. Thank you for all the time you spent helping me. It meant a lot. I can't thank you enough!!

Linda, you are so appreciated. You were always there to help me solve a computer problem. You are worth a hundred Lulus.

Michael Robert, your advice concerning the cover of my book was invaluable. Thank you so much!

This book is dedicated to my beloved grandmother, who showed me the way.

I miss you.

And to my daughter Lisa, who not only inspired me but encouraged me.

You were my moral support.

Sara lived with her mother, father, older brother, and a little dog named Rusty. In a few weeks she was going to have her sixth birthday. One would assume she would be excited about having a birthday party, the friends who would come, the presents she would open, and the games they would play. But for Sara, it would be just another day.

You see, Sara had never had a birthday party and she knew her mother, Jean, would never give her one. If only she wasn't always doing something wrong maybe her mother would have liked her, and things would have been different.

Why didn't her mother like her? Wasn't there anything in her that was good? What Sara didn't know was no matter how good she was she could never earn her mother's love.

Sara was too young to understand. It wasn't just her that her mother didn't like. She didn't like her son or her husband either — and she especially didn't like herself.

To understand why, we have to go back in time to when Jean's mother was expecting. She had always dreamed of having a little girl, but the baby was a boy. The next baby was another boy, and finally her third baby, Jean, was the little girl she had always dreamed of. Jean's mother was elated. Of course, she was the favorite. Jean not only received attention from her mother, but people started noticing how intelligent Jean was and constantly commented on it. There was no doubt, she did have a brilliant mind.

Later in life when her older brother became a professor at Stanford University he remarked, "I don't know a teacher here that has half the intelligence as my sister Jean."

The Bitter Beginning

Jean's little sister, Gwendolyn, arrived three years after Jean was born. She was breathtakingly beautiful, while Jean was average looking. Consequently, when the two sisters were together people would remark how beautiful Gwendolyn was while they would completely ignore Jean. Even Gwendolyn's name sounded prettier.

Jean was always trying to impress people. She wanted everyone to know how smart she was. While people may have been aware of how smart she was they didn't seem to care, though. Ironically, she wasn't smart enough to realize that she was alienating the people around her. On the other hand, it wasn't only Gwendolyn's beauty that attracted people to her. She also had compassion and empathy for everyone she met — traits that Jean certainly didn't possess.

As the years went by, Jean's resentment toward Gwendolyn grew. For example, when Gwendolyn was still in high school, Jean felt superior to her because she was a college student. But when she came home for summer vacation, she didn't get the respect she felt she deserved. She tried talking about the classes she was taking and how well she was doing in them. Then she would bring the conversation around to how many (make-believe) dates she always had. No matter what she talked about, she always felt that she was being ignored. The attention always reverted back to Gwendolyn.

When Jean arrived home on the next school break, she decided things would be different. Gwendolyn was getting ready to go on a date, and Jean didn't want her to think she was staying home on a Friday night. So she decided to go to a football game at her old high school.

While at the game, Jean happened to run into Marianne, a girl she had gone to high school with. Noticing that Marianne resembled the girl she was with, Jean said, "You two look so much alike you must be sisters."

The girl answered, "Yes, everyone gets us mixed up. I have to constantly remind people that I'm Marianne and she's Tracy."

Marianne then introduced Jean to Tracy by saying, "Oh, by the way, this is Jean Smith. We used to go to school together."

They continued with the small talk until Tracy interrupted. "Oh, my gosh, I just put the two last names together. I have a class with your sister. She's really beautiful."

Jean responded by giving Tracy a half-smile.

Then Marianne said, "Since you're alone, would you like to sit with us and then get something to eat? It would be a perfect time to tell us all about college life."

The idea didn't thrill Jean, However, she didn't have anything else to do the rest of the evening, so why not? At least someone was interested in what she was doing at school. But Jean would later discover that Marianne wasn't really interested in what Jean was doing; she only wanted to know more about college life.

After the game, Marianne and Tracy were discussing the different plays when a very handsome young man rushed up and said, "I'm looking for Steve. Have you seen him?" Before anyone could respond, he said, "Never mind, there he is. I have to catch up with him. I'll see you later."

Tracy yelled, "Do you want to get a Coke with the gang after the game?"

He turned around as he was running and shouted, "Sure."

Jean remarked, "The timing was perfect. In another few minutes, you would have missed him."

Tracy said, "I'm surprised he said yes, because he's pretty shy. He's one of the most popular guys on campus, and he doesn't even know it. It's too bad he didn't play tonight so you could see him in action. He's not only the most handsome player but the best quarterback they have. I heard he'll be back in the game next week."

Jean wondered why the most valuable player on the team wasn't playing. She asked Tracy, "Why didn't he play?"

Tracy said, "He hurt his arm or leg—I don't know which. All I know is he will be back playing next week."

She added, "You should ask your sister about him. She has a crush on him, but he doesn't seem interested in her. No one can understand why he doesn't want to go out with her because everyone knows she's the prettiest girl on campus."

Jean wondered how many more times she would have to hear how pretty her sister was.

Marianne, not sure if Jean was joining them, turned and asked, "Are you coming along?"

Jean answered, "Yes." She said she knew where the coffee shop was, and as soon as she made a quick phone call, she would be there.

Earlier, she had decided against going, but she quickly changed her mind when she imagined the look on her sister's face when she told her she had spent the evening talking to the most popular guy on campus, not to mention the star football player. She planned to casually drop his name, but realized she didn't even know it.

At the coffee shop, she spied Marianne and Tracy sitting at a table in the far corner with a group of Tracy's friends. Then she saw him. She walked over to the table, and he turned around and offered her a seat next to him.

"We've never met. My name is Jean. What's yours?" "Everybody just calls me Bud."

She laughed. "Do you have a last name, Bud?"

He seemed to think that was funny, and it broke the ice. "Young. Bud Young," he replied.

She held out her hand and said, "It's nice to meet you." Actually, it was nicer than he knew.

Jean wondered how long she would have to sit with him before she could leave. She wasn't all that interested in spending time with him. All she really wanted to do was tell her sister that she had sat with Bud most of the evening. She also wasn't very interested in hanging out with Marianne because, even though they had gone to school together, they didn't have that much in common. And Tracy's friends would be boring. After all, they were still in high school.

Jean had to admit she was flattered by Bud's attention. The whole evening, he kept asking her one question after another. He genuinely seemed interested in everything she had to say. It seemed as if he was content to just listen and let her do all the talking. In retrospect, that should have been a red flag.

Toward the end of the evening, he asked if she would be at the game the following week. She was confused. Was he just being polite, or did he really enjoy her company? She told him that she was planning to be there. It had been a long time since anyone had made her feel so important. The fact that she was in college and he was in high school didn't seem to matter. After all, she reminded herself, he would be graduating in the spring.

During the week, Jean tried on dozens of different outfits, trying to figure out which one looked the best on her. The purple dress definitely looked the best, even though it was a little too tight. She decided if she dieted the whole week it would fit perfectly. She was more excited to see Bud than she wanted to admit. Obviously, Jean knew that nothing might come of a simple conversation, but she still wanted to be sure she fit into her purple dress.

She didn't want to make more of it than it was, so she casually mentioned to her sister that she had talked with Bud after the game. It was enough to get a reaction from her sister, and that was all Jean wanted.

When Jean got to the game on Friday, she saw that Bud was playing. In fact, he was making one touchdown after another. Watching him play, she understood why he was so popular and the star of the team. She was more than impressed.

After the game, Jean had enough confidence to go to the coffee shop alone. If she happened to see Bud and he talked to her, she would stay. If not, she would get something to eat and then leave. But she really hoped she would run into him. More than that, she hoped he would want to spend time with her again.

Jean had no more than sat down when Bud walked in. He asked if she minded if he joined her. She tried to be nonchalant as she casually said, "Sure, there's room here for both of us."

The two spent the evening absorbed in conversation. Bud didn't add much to the discussion, but Jean didn't seem to care. He was a great listener, and she craved all the attention he was giving her. He even told her he had never met anyone so intelligent. Those were the exact words that she needed to hear. It was the type of attention she was always seeking, but never seemed to get.

At the end of the evening, Bud asked Jean if he could come to her house sometime to see her. From that night on, they were inseparable. Bud had chosen her! The most handsome, popular

football player in school had chosen her. She could hardly believe it! She was the one he wanted, not her beautiful sister. Sometimes when he rang the bell, Jean would deliberately ask Gwendolyn, "Will you please get that?" Although Bud never told Jean she was pretty, she was more than satisfied to be told how smart and intelligent she was.

It had only been a couple of months when Bud asked Jean to marry him. She couldn't say "Yes" fast enough! Yet she wasn't sure of her reasons for wanting to marry him. Was she really in love with him? Did she simply like all the attention he gave her? Or was she doing it just to spite Gwendolyn? If the truth be known, perhaps it was a little bit of both.

Jean's marrying so quickly was a problem for her mother because she thought they should wait until they knew each other better, not to mention the fact that Jean was going to give up her college career to be a wife.

Jean and her mother had never gotten along. Being so headstrong, Jean delighted in saying "No" to almost everything her mother suggested. She responded to her mother by saying rather haughtily, "The church isn't available for a couple of months. That's plenty of time to get to know someone." But she would discover how wrong she was.

The one thing that she and her mother agreed on was asking her sister to be the maid of honor. It wasn't that Jean wanted Gwendolyn to have the honor, but she didn't really have a best friend to ask. More than that, she wanted to be able to see the expression on her sister's face during the ceremony. She knew Miss Goody Two- Shoes wouldn't show envy or anger, but she was hoping at least to see an expression of sadness. After all, Gwendolyn deserved to be put in her place. Or did she?

Before the wedding, Jean brazenly told those who were invited that she preferred money to gifts. After the wedding, she could hardly wait until she and Bud were alone to count the money.

She was disappointed that they didn't receive more, and remarked, "This will be enough to get us by until you start school." She laughed and said, "We've never even discussed how much money your mother is going to give us for your education."

She didn't give Bud a chance to answer before she said, "I really want to live in a better house, one closer to the college." She stopped to ask him if he had sent in his application yet.

There was a look of surprise on Bud's face. He said, "Where did you get the idea I was going to college?"

It took Jean a few minutes to register what he'd said.

He continued, "My mother doesn't have any money to support us."

Jean didn't respond with any form of compassion. She was beyond angry. She blurted out, "Your mother had her whole life to save for your education. That's what all parents do. I just assumed you would go to college and make something of yourself, that you'd have a career and be a doctor, a lawyer, or something respectable."

She had been so excited about getting married that it was all they talked about. They didn't talk about the future — his career or the fact that she didn't want children. She kept asking herself over and over why these subjects weren't discussed. Marriage was all that was on her mind.

Bud quietly tried to explain. "I never wanted the responsibility of being a doctor or a lawyer. I'm satisfied being a welder. It's what I like to do." He didn't want to admit he lacked the confidence to do anything else. He wanted to just fade into the background without any responsibility.

Jean was livid and yelled, "What will people think of us? Do you expect me to be poor and live in a shack all my life? Why didn't you tell me you didn't want to go to college?"

Bud simply answered, "Because you never asked me."

The remark about Bud's mother not having enough money to support her son kept running through Jean's mind. Jean just assumed all parents saved for their children's education. It confirmed just how uneducated and beneath her in intelligence his mother really was.

The Father

The difference between Sara's mother and father was striking. Sara was fearful when she was around her mother, but felt her father provided her some type of security. That assumption about him was wrong. Later in life, Sara would discover that he was incapable of keeping her safe. However, it gave her hope when she was young, and hope helped her cope with life.

Her father was very quiet and hardly spoke. He never really talked to Sara, but it didn't matter to her. He never hugged or kissed her either, but he wasn't mean to her. He had a kindness about him, and she loved him deeply.

Spanking Sara was hard for him to do because most times, he knew the punishment was unfair. Sara knew he really didn't want to hurt her. But when Sara's mother told him to spank her, he always did what she said. She felt sorry for her daddy because her mother was so mean to him. He did what was asked of him out of obedience, but certainly not out of love.

Sara's father had come from a very loving home. His father died when he was a baby. He lived with his mother and two sisters. When he was born they were understandably extremely protective of him. They made a fuss over him, pampered him, and made all his decisions for him. Without a strong male influence in his life, he accepted this controlling female behavior as normal. When he married, he was subconsciously looking for someone to take the place of his sisters, which explains a great deal about who he was.

Sara's father worked nights, so he would be asleep when she got home from school, and he'd be gone to work by the time she woke up. At least Sara knew he was there some of the time.

At night, after she had gone to bed, Sara would hear her mother talking to her father. She heard her telling him how "rotten and stupid" Sara was, but her mother never said why she thought such things. Sara was sure it was because she was always crying.

Her mother would tell her to "shut up" because she was tired of listening to her cry. When Sara was alone in her room, she would bury her head in her pillow and sob. Most times, though, the tears couldn't wash away the hurt.

Sara imagined living with just her daddy when she grew up. She would make him butterscotch cupcakes, and she would never, ever cry, and then he would know she wasn't a rotten child.

Rejection

Sometimes Sara couldn't understand her mother's responses to her questions. She only wished she was as smart as her brother, Richard. What Sara didn't realize was that it wasn't her fault she had a hard time understanding. Her mother was simply too preoccupied to take the time to help Sara fully understand the answers. More importantly, she really didn't care if Sara understood or not. She only needed one child to impress people.

The anger and frustration were obvious on her mother's face when Sara couldn't figure something out for herself. Those were the times when her mother would yell at her and say, "Go ask your brother. I don't have all day to try and teach you." But he wasn't much help. Not only was he too young to know all the right answers; he just didn't have the patience to help his sister.

Yelling didn't frighten Sara. It was when her mother started screaming that she got scared because she knew she would either get slapped or shaken. She felt safer when her mother just yelled.

Resentment

Because Richard was three years older than Sara, one would assume he would have had compassion for his little sister and that their shared circumstances would have created a bond. However, for obvious reasons this didn't happen.

Richard had come to dread hearing his mother tell Sara, "Go ask your brother to explain it to you, and tell him he can't go out unless he takes you with him."

All the responsibility he had to shoulder made him resent Sara. The worst was when she had to tag along with him. His mother was setting up the perfect scenario for disaster.

When Richard had to drag Sara along, he made her walk behind him. He told her if she talked to him, he would hit her. He didn't want anybody to know she was with him. Sara knew by the angry look on his face and the threatening tone of his voice that he was capable of it. He had hit her before, and she would make sure it never happened again.

The only time Sara's mother felt she had any peace was when the children were out of the house. When she found out she was pregnant for the third time, she felt she was lucky to have found a doctor that would help her abort it. At times, she caught herself thinking that if only she had told Sara's father she didn't want kids, she might not be in this situation. She was already stuck with two, and that was two too many.

Sara's mother was jealous that her husband could leave the house and be with other people while she had to sit at home. He suggested that she get a job if she was so miserable staying at home. She responded, "Absolutely not! Everyone would think you don't make enough money to support me." As much as Sara's mother loved money, impressing people was just as important to her.

One day, Sara asked Richard how to spell. He said, "Anybody knows you put letters together and they spell a word." Sara put some letters together and asked her brother what they spelled. He looked at them with an exasperated expression and said, "They don't spell anything, dummy."

When Sara's mother heard that once again Sara didn't understand a simple problem, she turned away and muttered, "I never thought I'd have such a dumb kid." It was as if a dagger had pierced Sara's heart, but she managed to hold back the tears. Then her mother told Richard to "deal with it."

As she was walking out the door she noticed Sara's shoes were untied, and she told Richard to tie them and take Sara outside. Now, he was going to be stuck with her all day.

Richard was livid. He couldn't talk back to his mother, so he took his frustrations out on Sara. Richard started screaming and was just inches away from her face. His face was distorted, and he screamed even louder, "You're six! Everyone except a dummy like you can tie their own shoes."

His mother heard him and came into the room. She said to Richard, "You're right, and you can't go out and play until you teach her. Then you won't have anything to complain about, will you?"

The minute he was alone with Sara, Richard, still screaming, said, "You'll never learn and I'll be stuck with you all day!"

However, Richard was surprised when his sister learned the skill as quickly as she did. Sara was ecstatic!

She could hardly wait to show her daddy what she could do. She kept thinking how proud he was going to be of her. She asked her mother, "Where's Daddy?" Her mother replied, "He's taking a nap. Shut up before you wake him up." Sara wondered how long it would be before he woke up, but she knew better than to ask her mother.

With her shoes in hand, Sara sat quietly facing her father's bedroom door. Her brother told their mother that Sara had finally learned how to tie her shoes, but her mother's attention was elsewhere. He took the opportunity to slip out the back door.

Sara waited and waited, and finally her daddy opened the door. Sara ran up to him and exclaimed, "Daddy, I can tie my shoes! And I can do it all by myself. Do you want to see?"

Her father didn't really look at her but with a half-glance said, "I'm busy right now, but maybe later." Then he picked up the paper, sat on the couch, and started to read.

The excitement of showing him was replaced with an indescribable ache in her heart. All the feelings of not feeling loved and the pain of being rejected were coming to the surface. The pain that she was feeling wasn't really about her daddy not caring to watch her tie her shoes; it was that her daddy just didn't care.

She was too young to understand the emotions she was feeling. All she knew was that she just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Sara couldn't hide her tears, so she dropped her shoes and quickly went to her room. She grabbed her teddy bear, held him close to her, put her head in her pillow, and sobbed and sobbed until she fell asleep.

Sara had loved her teddy bear from the first minute she held him. She had found him at the bottom of a sack of old clothes that had been given to her. She could understand why nobody would want him. He was old and his fur was raggedy and one arm was torn off.

When Sara found him, she said, "Nobody wants me either. I'll never throw you away. I'll always be there for you." The truth of the matter was, the little teddy bear had always been there for Sara.

When she woke up, the pain was still there. Sara just wanted her grandma.

The Comforter

The telephone rang. It was Sara's grandma, wanting to know if she could spend the night. When her mother said "Yes," Sara knew her grandma would be excited to watch her tie her shoes. Sara's heavy heart became a little lighter. Even though Sara's mother didn't like her mother-in-law, she put up with her because she didn't have to pay a babysitter.

Whenever Sara went to her grandma's to spend the night, they would make mush together that night and then fry it together in the morning, which was always the fun part. Later, she and her grandma would bake a pie. It was always Sara's favorite kind, too — apple!

There were many times when her grandmother's arthritis would be exceptionally painful as she peeled the apples. But peeling the apples with Sara and watching how much fun her granddaughter had doing it made it all worthwhile.

While the pie was baking, Sara always got a bath and had her hair washed. It wasn't an ordinary bath either. Bubbles were everywhere! To Sara, watching the bubbles float was magical. When her bath was over, her grandma always surprised her with a different colored bow for her hair.

By the time she was through with her bath, the pie would be ready to take out of the oven. The two would race to the kitchen, and Sara always won. Her grandmother would cut a much bigger piece for Sara, and she never forgot to put the ice cream on top.

This time, it was late Saturday before she arrived at her grandma's house. Sara got her usual hug and scurried off to bed. She wished she had been able to come earlier. She missed making mush and all the fun things they would have done together.

Sara tried not to think about her daddy not wanting to see her tie her shoes. Instead, she just tried to think about being with her grandma now.

Tomorrow was Sunday, and they would be going to church. Sara always looked forward to that. Going to church with her grandma was a special time they shared together. Sara loved hearing all the stories about Jesus.

One time, curiosity made Sara ask her brother if he knew about Jesus. Sara's mother turned to Sara, started shaking her and in an angry voice that frightened her, said, "Don't you ever bring that name into this house again. Do you hear me?" Sara never mentioned His name again but wondered why her mother didn't like Him. Her grandma liked Him, and if she liked Him then Sara did, too.

Even though they were running late for church, Sara's grandma gave her a quick bath before they left. It was then that she noticed Sara scratching her head. She wished she had time to give her hair a good scrubbing.

Sara loved to go to church with her grandma. Standing up in the front of the church, the man her grandma called "Pastor" talked about Jesus. He said He was full of love and loved everyone.

Sara whispered to her grandmother, "How does Jesus meet so many people?"

Her grandmother answered, "He is everywhere."

Then Sara said, "Grandma, can we go visit Him? Where does He live?"

In a quiet voice, her grandmother said, "He lives in your heart."

It seemed as if Sara couldn't sit still during church. She was scratching her head the whole time. Her grandmother leaned over and whispered, "What ails you, child?"

Sara responded, "Mommy told Daddy I have lice."

Hurriedly, they left the church, and Sara never got her questions answered. The first thing they did was stop at the nearest pet store. Her grandma asked for a bottle of DDT. The clerk gave her a small bottle, and she said, "Please, I'd like to buy the largest bottle you have." The clerk gave her the big bottle instead and that seemed to take care of the problem.

On the way home, Sara wondered what it would be like to stay at her other grandma's house. Her mother said she was mean and she didn't like her. Sara barely remembered what she looked like; it had been that long since she had seen her. She decided she was happy staying with the grandma she loved.

Returning to her home was always a sad time for Sara. The next morning she would have to go to school. In the mornings, Sara knew her mother didn't want any talking before she had her coffee. If Sara spoke above a whisper she was told she was being too loud. Her mother would grab her, shake her, and say, "Can't I ever have my coffee in peace?"

"Do all little children cry before they go to school?" Sara asked her brother as they walked to school one day. Shaking his head, he said, "No, just us. Most mothers kiss their kids good-bye and even tell them they love them before they go to school." Sara was so surprised. She kept thinking she wished she had a mommy like that.

Interrupting her thoughts, Richard said briskly, "You get to go to Grandma's, and I have to always stay home and help Dad do yard work. You'll probably get a better present than I will at Christmas because you spend more time with her than I do."

The Christmas Present

Christmas was right around the corner. When Sara's grandma asked her what she wanted for Christmas, Sara hoped she wasn't asking for too much when she said, "Grandma, may I have a baby doll? I'll give her baths and put ribbons in her hair and make her feel loved, just like you make me feel loved."

Sara could hardly wait for Christmas. She wished every night that her grandma would get her a doll. She would close her eyes, cross her fingers, and always wish twice, just to make sure.

Sara's mother would not even consider having her mother- in-law stay for dinner on Christmas Eve. Her mother certainly wouldn't be expected to spend money on extra food. After the presents were opened, Sara's grandmother was expected to leave.

In Sara's family, it was always understood that the money spent on gifts was to be kept at a minimum. It was up to Sara's father to buy the presents, but he was never allowed to spend more than a certain amount and the gift had to be practical. It was hard for Sara's mother to spend money on anything. She was thankful Christmas only came once a year.

To Sara, it seemed Christmas would never come. It was the week before, then three days before, and finally it was Christmas Eve! Sara peering out the window and waiting for her grandmother to walk up the driveway was making her mother nervous.

She yelled at Sara, "Stop staring out the window! She's probably late because the bus didn't come on time."

Just then, Sara spied her grandmother and ran out to meet her. Sara's mother became angry when she saw her hug her grandmother. She resented the attention Sara gave her.

They all gathered around the tree, and Sara's brother got the first present. Then Sara's grandmother handed her a package. She opened it excitedly. The box was oversized, and she had to peel layers of tissue paper away. Then she saw her present. Pajamas!

Her grandmother knew Sara had really wanted a doll, but she had to spend the money she had saved for Sara's present on doctor bills. When Sara opened her present, she didn't want her grandma to feel bad, so she said how much she liked them. She put on a happy face that covered up a broken heart.

Sara was so disappointed that her grandma didn't buy her a doll, but she knew she would have bought one for her if she could.

Also, Sara's mother would have wanted her to receive a practical gift. The more she thought about it, Sara's grandma knew that going against her daughter-in-law's wishes could have unhappy consequences. As unlikely as it seemed, it was possible that she wouldn't be allowed to see Sara for a long time if she upset her mother.

Impressing Family

The resentment that Sara's mother felt toward Gwendolyn had always been subtle. However, when Gwendolyn married a Stanford graduate and they moved into a beautiful home given to them as a wedding present, and then were supported by his parents while he was working on his degree, it was just too much for Jean to handle. She felt that everything her sister had should have been hers. Her resentment turned into anger, and her anger turned into bitterness and her bitterness into hate.

Every year, Gwendolyn hosted the family Christmas party. The only reason Jean went to Gwendolyn's house was to show everyone how smart Richard was. Jean insisted that he spend hours memorizing poems, and when everyone arrived at Gwendolyn's house, she made him get up and recite them. Then she showed the whole family his test scores from school. She leaned over to her sister and whispered, "Can you imagine how smart he is?"

This year, in the middle of all the attention Richard was getting, Sara's uncle noticed her sitting alone. He got up, grabbed a cookie from a nearby plate and handed it to her. Then he ruffled her hair and said, "I'll bet you're even smarter." But Sara had already been programmed to think differently.

Had Sara been a little older, she would have realized her mother didn't need Sara to further her goal of impressing people. She would take Richard's test scores over to show her neighbors, never realizing they couldn't have cared less. As smart as Jean was, it didn't dawn on her that when she knocked on her neighbors' doors and no one answered, it wasn't only Richard's test scores they didn't want to see. They didn't want to see her either.

Abuse

One day, Sara's mother was surprised when the phone rang and it was her niece, Alice. Jean thought her mother-in-law was low- class, but at least she wasn't a disgusting drunk with a filthy mouth like Alice. Jean was shocked when she found out Alice hadn't even finished high school. It was obvious that Jean thought Alice was disgusting.

Alice wanted to get the conversation over with as soon as possible and came right to the point. "Now that it is summer vacation, I was wondering if Sara could spend part of the summer with us and spend more time with the boys."

Sara was only six, and everyone knew she was too young to play with Billy and Bobby because they were so much older. But Alice knew Sara was old enough to help her clean the house, and she would put up with her for that reason alone.

Although getting rid of Sara was a dream come true for Jean, Sara didn't want to go. She was unhappy the first day she was at Alice's house; she missed her grandma and wished she could be with her. At night, while Alice's husband was working, strange men would come to the house, and Alice would cuss and they would drink. Sara was old enough to know when someone was acting inappropriately.

One night, Sara noticed beady eyes staring at her. Alice referred to the man that came in the back door and was staring at her as Reuben. Sara noticed that the times he came over in the daytime, he always had on a long overcoat even though it was hot outside. He was unkempt and dirty, and his small beady eyes were penetrating. Sara was terrified of him.

He kept staring at her, saying, "I'm going to get you and take you with me."

Alice would push Sara at him and laugh. Sara would run behind her, screaming and clutching at her. She would plead, "Please, please, don't let him take me!"

This didn't just happen once, but every time Reuben came over, which was often. The last time it happened, Rueben held her for a longer time. Sara started to cry.

Alice had had enough of her. She told her angrily, "Go outside and don't come back until dinner."

Alice's two boys, Billy and Bobby, had been in the backyard digging a hole for weeks. Their neighbor had told them if they didn't straighten up, they were going "straight to hell." The boys asked where hell was. When they found out it was down deep underground, they decided they would keep digging until they found it.

Both boys were getting tired of digging. When they saw Sara, Billy whispered to Bobby, "Let's push her in the hole. You hold her head down, and we'll tell her we are going to bury her alive. Then I'll start shoveling dirt on top of her."

As Bobby coaxed Sara over to the hole, he noticed her hands were shaking. He wanted to know why she made her hands do that.

Sara answered, "I don't know.''

The answer didn't satisfy Bobby, and he gave Sara an extra hard push. He yelled to Billy, "I can't hold her forever; put the dirt in faster!"

Billy started kicking some dirt in with his foot. He yelled at Sara, "You're going to die!"

Dirt was getting in Sara's eyes and covering her everywhere. Frantically, Sara started screaming as loud as she could, "Grandma! Grandma!" She was the only person Sara knew who cared enough to save her.

Alice came out and told her boys to pull Sara out. Then she told Sara, "Shut up and go inside the house." When she got inside, Sara was still sobbing and screaming, "I want my grandma!"

Angrily, Alice scribbled Sara's grandmother's address on a piece of paper and tossed it to Reuben, saying, "Take her and make sure she ends up at her grandmother's house." She turned to Sara and said, "You get a little dirt on your dress and you cry like a baby. You're nothing but a crying brat." Then she pushed her in Reuben's direction.

Kicking, screaming, and pleading had no effect. All Sara's thrashing was to no avail. Reuben only needed one arm to hold her still. Sara was acting like a wild animal that had been cornered with no way out. The terror Sara felt was indescribable.

Rueben stifled Sara's cries by putting his hand over her mouth. When they got outside, he threw her in the back seat of the car and yelled, "Shut up!" Sara was so frightened that she kept yelling for her grandma, calling her name over and over again.

Reuben parked a block away from her grandmother's house, climbed in the back seat of the car, and proceeded to put his hot, sweaty body on top of Sara. All she remembered was running to her grandma's house.

When she reached it, she saw her grandma. She threw herself into her arms, pleading, "Please, please don't leave me!" She was hysterically sobbing and shaking, repeating over and over again, "Don't leave me, Grandma. Please don't leave me," clinging to her all the while. Her grandmother couldn't console Sara.

Alice had called and told her grandma the reason that Sara was so upset was because the boys got her dress dirty.

Sara was sobbing uncontrollably. Then the whole story came out. Sara told her grandma how the boys were going to bury her and she was going to die.

Sara's shaking was out of control when she started talking about Rueben throwing her in the back seat of the car. Through her tears Sara said again, "Please don't leave me, Grandma." Her grandma cried with Sara. She kept saying over and over how sorry she was.

Sara had terrible nightmares. Her grandmother went in her room and held her most of the night. Sara would wake up screaming and sobbing. She would reach for her grandmother. She needed to know she wasn't alone.

The traumatic experience had prompted Sara's grandmother to call her mother. She asked if Sara could stay for a couple of days. Jean said, "Keep her for the whole week if you want to."

Trying to explain to Jean that there was a serious problem was impossible. It was obvious she didn't want to listen. The truth of the matter was she really didn't care.

Sara's grandma knew there was a lot more to the story, but Sara's wounds were too open and raw to press her. Her grandmother knew the wounds would eventually heal, but the scars would never go away.

The incident had an extremely traumatic effect on Sara. As a grown woman, whenever she saw a casket she could feel fear rise up inside of her and her heart would start to beat rapidly. She would feel very emotional and had to fight back the tears. She couldn't help visualizing the casket being put in the ground and covered with dirt.

When Sara thought about being buried and the casket lowered into the ground, she imagined being trapped in a dark, cold place. Of course, she knew that when you die your spirit leaves and there is just a dead body left. She believed that, but no one told her how she could control her emotions. They were much stronger than logic, and she would live with those feelings for a long time.

Heartbreak

Sara's seventh birthday was coming up. The night before her birthday, as she cuddled her little teddy bear, Sara promised him that on her birthday, she wouldn't be a baby and cry about anything. She thought that would be easy because she would be seven and much more grown up. After all, only babies cried.

The day of her birthday, Sara's neighbor Mrs. Grady came over and wished her a happy birthday. She gave Sara a big hug. Sara wondered how Mrs. Grady knew it was her birthday, but she was glad that she did. She even brought over a cupcake with a candle on the top, and told Sara if she made a wish when she blew out the candle, it might come true. As Mrs. Grady waited for her to blow out the candle, she asked Sara if she knew what she would wish for.

Sara had never forgotten what her brother had told her about mommies kissing their children good-bye and telling them they loved them when they went to school. She knew what her wish would be.

She nodded Yes, and excitedly blew out the candle. All she wanted was a new mommy who would love her. She was glad Mrs. Grady didn't ask her what she had wished for. Sara would have been surprised to learn that that was exactly what Mrs. Grady would have expected Sara's wish to be.

When Sara arrived at school, her teacher always had a smile for her. It was hard for her to keep the pretense up though, because watching how cruel Sara's classmates were to her left her brokenhearted because Sara came to school with dirty clothes and was rarely bathed. She was the perfect target to be picked on. Her teacher felt so much compassion for Sara, and one day after class she gave Sara a hug and said, "I want a little girl just like you. I wish you were my little girl."

Sara beamed, clapped her hands and said, "Oh yes, I want to be!" Sara knew her mother didn't want her and would be happy to give her away. Wishes really did come true. This was the very best birthday present she could ever have. She was going to have a new mommy, and maybe she would get a hug every day.

Sara was so excited. She wondered when she was going to tell her mommy that she didn't have to keep her. Sara kept thinking, "I'll have a new mommy." She wondered where she was going to live. It didn't really matter. All she knew was that wishes really do come true.

Not long after that day, her teacher came to school and told the class that she would be moving. Her last day would be on Friday.

That Friday, when all the children had left for the day, Sara was the last one there. She told her teacher that she was ready to go with her, but she didn't bring her other dress because it had too many spots on it.

Completely lost for words, Sara's teacher didn't speak for a moment or two. Finally, she told Sara she couldn't take her with her because she was moving far away and Sara's mother would miss her.

Sara was sobbing. In between sobs, she said, "No, my mommy doesn't even like me."

The words were like a dagger that pieced her teacher's heart.

Clinging to her teacher's legs as tightly as she could, Sara blurted out, "You said you wanted me." With each step her teacher tried to take, Sara frantically held on tighter. Sara became hysterical.

Her teacher finally pried her hands loose. She didn't know what to do. She held Sara and said, "Sara, I'll come back to see you." She was crying as hard as Sara was when she left the room. When Sara heard the door close, she curled up in a ball and rocked herself to sleep.

When the janitor came in and saw her, he said in a surprised voice, "What are you doing here?" Before she had time to answer, he said, "You had better be getting home. Your mother will be worried about you."

Sara knew her mother wouldn't even realize she was missing. Sara went home, hoping her teacher would come back soon. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. Still, Sara held on to hope. But after so much time had elapsed, Sara realized her teacher had forgotten her.

Movies

The fifteen cents Sara's daddy gave her every week was enough to go the movies, and sometimes he would give her extra for a candy bar. Sara didn't know which she liked more, the movie or the candy. Both of them made her happy.

Richard never went with her because he would rather play with his friends on a Saturday than spend time with his little sister. It was a long way to walk to the movie theater, and Sara lived in a bad section of town. The movie theater attracted a lot of drifters and was a dangerous place for a little girl to be alone.

This particular Saturday when Sara was at the movies, a man sat down beside her. Sara wished he hadn't sat so close to her because he didn't smell nice. He put his hand on Sara's leg. She didn't want him to think she didn't like him, so she just sat there.

The usherette noticed that Sara had come in alone, and she saw the man sitting a few seats away from Sara getting up and sitting next to her. Because Sara was alone, the usherette kept an eye on her. She eventually motioned for Sara to come with her. The moment Sara got up the man ran out the exit door.

The usherette told Sara to sit where she could watch her. She also said she wanted to speak to her mother when the movie was over. Sara ran home, knowing her mother wouldn't be picking her up.

When Sara arrived home, she told her daddy what had happened. Her mother interrupted and said, "If a man sits down next to you and touches you, just move."

The next Saturday, when the same usherette saw Sara, she kept an eye on her. She told her, "When your mother picks you up, tell her you are not allowed to come to the theater by yourself."

When Sara told her what the usherette said, her mother was furious and said, "Now you will be here all Saturday. Why didn't you just move?"

The Lie

Some time later, Sara was outside watering a plant. A man came by and asked her if she wanted to play with his little girl. Sara was so excited that she nodded, "Yes." The man pointed to an old building at the end of the block that had been condemned. He told Sara that his little girl was upstairs waiting for her to come and play. When Sara got to the building, she ran upstairs and called out, but there was no answer and no little girl.

Then she saw the man at the bottom of the stairs. He was naked and coming up the stairs toward her. Sara had never seen a man without his clothes on before, and she was terrified. When she got home, she could hardly catch her breath. She told her daddy what happened and said that she had run past the naked man.

Jean heard Sara's story and told her husband, "I don't want to live in this cheap neighborhood anymore."

She wasn't thinking about Sara, but she had found a perfect excuse to move. She always worried that Gwendolyn might find out where she lived. So far, Jean had been able to keep it a secret. If her sister found out, Jean would be mortified. She was always complaining about where they lived and brought up the fact that because Gwendolyn's husband was a doctor, they could afford to live in a nice neighborhood. Sara's father just took the verbal abuse and didn't respond. Jean turned to him and said, "Did you hear me? I want to move."

Another Birthday

Sara was having another birthday, but she didn't pay much attention. It didn't mean much to her. Mrs. Grady had written Sara's birthday down on her calendar. When the day arrived, Mrs. Grady came over again with a cupcake with a candle on top. She grabbed Sara and hugged her. She asked her if she wanted to make a wish and blow out the candle. This time, Sara looked down and said, "No, wishes don't come true."

Mrs. Grady gave Sara another hug. This time she held her for a long time. She said, "Sara, I wish I could make all your wishes come true, but I can't." Sara saw tears in Mrs. Grady's eyes when she walked away.

Eventually, Sara's family moved to a new neighborhood. She was glad, and she hoped she would have lots of friends to play with. But she was going to miss Mrs. Grady. She was so nice to her, and Sara liked her a lot. She wished her mother liked her, too.

The Big Mistake

Sara's mother wasn't just a messy housekeeper; she was a filthy housekeeper. Attached to the kitchen was a small room that led to the backyard. Sara's mother would open the door and throw eggshells, papers, and cans into the room until the trash was up to Sara's knees.

At times, dishes would be in the sink for a couple of days. Every room was covered with trash of some sort. In the corner of the bedroom, there was a chair that always had clothes on it. One day, Sara wanted to know what color the chair was, so she took the clothes off one by one. When her mother saw the mess on the floor, she was furious. Why her mother was so upset about this mess and not all the others was something Sara would never understand.

Her mother made Sara sit in the chair until well past lunchtime. Sara got very hungry, but she knew better than to say anything. She wished she wasn't always doing something wrong. Was sitting in the chair this long worth knowing the color of the chair? Sara would have to say no, but at least her curiosity was satisfied. The chair was a beautiful yellow.

Sara's mother's biggest flaw was that she would not spend money. Money was her God. Only a small amount of money was taken out of her husband's paycheck each week for necessities; the rest went right in the bank.

The only thing her mother ever bought Sara was shoes. Once when they went shopping and her mother had her try on a pair of shoes, Sara complained that they hurt and the salesman said, "That's too bad, because they are on sale."

When they got outside her mother jerked her and told her, "They were the right size. You were just being a brat." The shoes she ended up with were ugly, but at least they didn't hurt.

Sara's family finally moved. When her mother met the neighbor down the street she asked the woman if she could have her daughter's clothes when she outgrew them. The dresses that their old neighbor had given Sara fit well. This time, the girl was two years younger than Sara, and the dresses she gave her were much too short, and you could see Sara's panties. On top of that, they were seldom washed. The children at school started calling Sara "Miss Dirty Pants."

At recess, she would hide behind the baseball stop so no one could make fun of her. She was a very lonely little girl.

One morning as Sara was going out the front door to school, she turned to her mother and begged her not to make her go to school. She told her how the kids all made fun of her and called her Miss Dirty Pants. All of Sara's sobbing and pleading had no effect. Her mother pushed her out the door and said, "Those kids will never remember you when they grow up."

She was right, of course. They would never remember her. But Sara would remember each one of them. Each mean thing that was said or done to her caused a deep wound. Her grandmother was right that those wounds would eventually heal, but the scars that were left would last a lifetime.

The Outings

Looking back on those difficult school years, Sara could remember two things that made her happy. The first was the time she had dinner at a restaurant. Well, to Sara it seemed like a restaurant. She ate at the corner drugstore, and she got to sit at the counter.

Years later, after she was grown, she still remembered which seat she sat in. It was the end seat by the window, and she had ordered a hot roast beef sandwich. It was one of the most exciting things Sara had ever experienced.

She also remembered taking a family vacation. They had gone to a nearby campsite with a friend her dad had met at work. Not surprisingly, the friend's wife did not like Sara's mother. They never went on vacation with them again, but at least Sara could say she went on one real vacation.

No one ever came to Sara's house to visit. Her mother would never invite anyone to dinner because she didn't want to spend the extra money to feed them. The other reason was that no one liked Sara's mother, so it wasn't surprising the family didn't have any friends.

The Ordeal

One day, Sara's teacher noticed that Sara had a painful look on her face and was walking with her legs far apart. She asked Sara why she was walking like that. Sara said she had a sore, and when it touched her other leg, it hurt. At recess, Sara's teacher took her to the nurse's office. The nurse asked Sara to show her where it hurt.

What the nurse discovered on Sara's leg horrified her. There was a huge boil with pus oozing out of it. What liquid hadn't been soaked up by Sara's dress was running down her leg. The nurse called the principal to look at it. They were both shocked and outraged.

The nurse told Sara she was going to call her mother. Sara pleaded with her not to call. She said she would be in so much trouble if her mother knew she had been to the nurse's office.

The nurse said she was sorry, but she didn't have a choice. When Sara's mother came into the office, the nurse didn't even greet her. In a raised voice, she said to her, "How long has it been since this child has been given a bath or has had her hair washed?"

She then lifted Sara's dress and pointed to her leg and said, "This sore is infected. I am surprised she isn't infected with boils all over her body. This child is filthy. I will disinfect the sore, but under no circumstances can she come back to school until she has been bathed and her hair has been washed. While you're at it, wash her clothes, too."

All the way home, Sara's mother screamed at her. The minute they got out of the car, she started to hit Sara, yelling, "Why did you tell the nurse that I don't give you baths and that you had a sore on your leg?"

The harder Sara cried, the louder her mother yelled. She kept screaming for Sara to answer her. The only thing Sara said was, "The teacher saw that my sore was hurting me."

Lying on the cold sink counter was uncomfortable, but at least Sara was getting her hair washed. When her mother rinsed her hair, the color of the water actually turned black. Sara hoped that even if it wasn't totally clean, at least it wouldn't smell so bad.

Her mother's idiosyncrasies had a significant effect on Sara. Not only did her classmates notice how dirty she was and the fact that her panties showed, they noticed how bad she smelled. They started calling her Stinking Miss Dirty Pants. Sara became the little chicken all the other chickens picked on.

Each week, without her mother knowing, Sara's daddy gave her money in case her mother didn't get up in time to fix her lunch or she ran out of stale bread, and told her to get something to eat at school.

The girl sitting next to Sara in class told her that if she gave her money, she would be her friend. Sara would rather go hungry and know that someone liked her, so she complied.

Later that day, the girl was mean to her. Sara asked her why she didn't like her anymore. The girl answered that she could only like her a little while, but she would like her again if Sara gave her more money. Sara would rather go hungry.

Because she was lonely and desperate to be accepted, Sara would do anything that was asked of her. One morning while she was waiting at the bus stop to go to school, one of the girls told her, "I left my sweater at my house by the front door, and I don't want to walk all the way back there. Go get it for me."

Sara asked timidly, "But won't I miss the bus?" The girl replied, "No, just go get it."

Sara was about a half a block away when she heard the bus pull up. She ran after it as fast as she could, even though it had already started to drive away. The bus driver noticed it was Sara running and waited until she caught up.

He gave Sara a smile and said, "Sara, you are worth waiting for." He understood what was going on more than Sara could ever imagine.

A Friend at Last

A girl in her class named Susie asked Sara if she could come over to play. Sara was confused; she knew the girl couldn't possibly mean her. Sara didn't know what to say, so she acted as if she didn't hear her.

After school, while the girl's mother was picking up her daughter, she noticed Sara. She leaned out the car window and asked Sara if her mother would let her come over sometime to play. Sara quietly replied that her mother wouldn't care. The girl's mother asked for Sara's phone number and made arrangements to have her come over.

Sara had never had any friends. Now she was going to go to someone's house to have a play day. She was so excited that it was all she could think about.

The day finally arrived. When Sara walked in the house, she noticed how clean it was and that there was a plate of homemade cookies on the table. Her friend's mother asked if she wanted one. Sara stared at the cookies because she was so hungry. Was the girl's mother being nice, or would she be angry that Sara had eaten one? Sara felt safer just saying, "No, thank you."

The offer of the cookie made the memory of giving the little girl her sandwich come to mind. One day, Sara's neighbor had come over and said that she had to take her baby to the emergency room because she had cut her finger. She asked if Sara's mother would watch her other daughter until she returned.

That was the day Sara's mother had planned to go to the races. It was strange to Sara that her mother could spend money gambling, but not on anything else. Her mother felt put out by being asked to watch the girl. Nevertheless, she didn't think she had a choice, so she agreed.

It was lunchtime, and the girl that Sara's mother was watching said that she was hungry. Sara had a sandwich that her mother had packed for her. Even though Sara was hungry, she gave it to the girl. When her mother saw Sara give the sandwich away, she was livid. She started screaming at Sara, "Don't you know that food costs money? You never give it away!" She slapped Sara and then started shaking her. She kept asking Sara if she understood.

Sara was crying so hard that she could barely get an answer out. The girl gave the sandwich back, but Sara didn't want to take it. The girl cried until her mother came to pick her up.

That was a memory that Sara would rather forget. Sara asked if she could use the restroom, and was told where it was.

When Sara came back, she heard them talking. The girl was whispering to her mother, "Why did you have to bring her here? She stinks, and I don't want to play with her."

Before her mother could answer, Sara said, "Could I please go home?" She was sobbing uncontrollably. The girl's mother tried to console her, but nothing she could say could put a broken heart back together again.

Another Heartbreak

Later in the week, Sara was asked by another classmate to go to a birthday party. She said she didn't have a present she could bring. She was told a present wasn't necessary. Sara couldn't understand why she would be invited. She put the thought out of her mind; the idea of going to a birthday party was just too exciting.

When she arrived at the party, she knocked on the door. The girl hosting the party opened it, and hiding behind her were about eight other girls, laughing at Sara. They said, "Sorry, you can't come in without a present. And besides, you smell bad." They were still laughing as they slammed the door in her face.

Sara walked a short distance, sat on the sidewalk and wondered if the hurt she was feeling would ever go away. She put her hands over her face and kept asking over and over again, "Why am I so unlovable?"

She remembered the pastor at the church saying, "Jesus loves everyone." She knew He couldn't love her. Nobody did.

Christmas was coming soon, and her grandmother asked what Sara wanted for her present. Sara remembered saying that she wanted a doll last year. She had kept her fingers crossed for that baby doll, but she got pajamas instead. This year, she didn't want to get her hopes up again, so she simply said that anything her grandmother wanted to give her for a gift would be fine.

Christmas Day came, and Sara was sure she wouldn't get a doll. As she slowly opened the package from her grandmother, she was surprised to see her baby doll! She was all dressed in pink. Her grandmother had even put a bright pink bow in her hair.

Sara's grandma hoped her daughter-in-law wouldn't be too upset that she had bought a toy for Sara. She couldn't imagine Jean not being happy when she saw Sara's reaction when she opened her present, but then she really didn't know what her daughter-in- law's reaction would be, either.

It was the first doll that Sara had ever had. She ran to her grandmother and hugged and hugged her. She held her doll close to her the entire day. Sara's mother was jealous, wondering why Sara didn't ever hug her like that. Of course, it was always about Jean.

Later that day, Sara made a promise to her teddy bear that she would never forget him, and she kept that promise. Every night, her doll slept on one side of her, and Teddy slept on the other.

The New Neighbor

New neighbors moved in across the street. After about a week, the son, Arthur, came over and introduced himself. He said that he had a project for school that was due at the end of the year. It involved doing volunteer work, and whoever put in the most hours would be the winner.

There was one stipulation to the project. All the services conducted by the student had to be done free of charge. He asked Sara's mother if she would be interested in having him babysit her children for free.

Of course, Sara's mother said, "Yes." She would never pay for a sitter, so this was her chance to get out and play cards with the neighbor down the street. They were both addicted to gambling.

Arthur's offer might have been convenient for her mother, but not for Sara. Arthur was scary looking. The first night he came over to babysit, he put Sara to bed early and told Richard to play outside. Then Arthur came into Sara's bedroom and started putting his hands all over her.

Sara said, "Please stop!" But he wouldn't. He was trying to put something in Sara, and it was hurting so badly that she started to cry. He told her she was making too much noise. Then he left the room and came back with a knife, telling her he would cut her throat open if she told anyone.

The next time her mother was planning to go out, Sara begged her not to have Arthur come over. Her mother said he was coming and that was that. Sara thought she would run away if he came. Later that day, her mother got sick and cancelled her plans. Sara was glad she didn't have to run away, because she didn't know where she would go.

But her mother rescheduled for the following Saturday. When Sara heard Arthur was coming, she remembered how he had hurt her. All that week, she pleaded with her mother not to have him come over. Saturday night came, and she could see him walking across the street to her house.

Sara panicked, and hid under her bed. Her mother wanted to give instructions to her before she left, but Sara was nowhere to be found. Her father called the police, and when they arrived, one of the officers said, "The first place I look is always under the bed." Sure enough, there was Sara.

The policeman who found Sara was a seasoned officer. When her mother started screaming at her for hiding, she demanded that Sara tell her why she did it. But it was obvious that Sara was too frightened to speak. The policeman asked both parents to leave the room. The first thing he did was calm Sara down, and then he gently started questioning her.

The officer asked her if she was afraid that the babysitter would hurt her. Between sobs, Sara told him that she didn't want to tell that Arthur was hurting her because he had said he would cut her throat if she did. The officer convinced Sara that nothing bad would happen to her. Sara told him Arthur had tried to put something in her and it had hurt.

The policeman noticed Sara was shaking and didn't pursue the conversation. He bent down and said, "He will never hurt you again." He wasn't sure he had convinced her; he could only hope that he had. Before the officer left, he related the story that Sara had told him to her parents. As he was leaving, he sternly said to Sara's mother, "Most mothers would be comforting their kid at a time like this, not yelling at them."

Her bedroom door was open a crack, and Sara heard her daddy say, "He's right, you know." She could hardly believe what she had heard. Sara had never heard her father say anything like that to her mother before. He came back into the room, picked up Sara, and put her in bed. He covered her up and said, "Don't worry, Sara. No one will hurt you like that again. I promise." She hoped it was true.

More Trauma

The next morning, Sara's mother told her that she had telephoned Arthur's mother. She said they were going to go to his house so she could tell his mother what had happened. Sara started to cry and said, "No, no! I don't want to go!"

She tried to pull away from her mother, but her mother grabbed Sara and started to drag her toward Arthur's house.

Arthur was big for his age. When Sara's mother told her to tell his mother what had happened, Sara looked up at him. When she saw him looking at her, all she could think of was that he was going to slit her throat with a knife. Sara just stood there. No words came out because she was frozen with fear.

With an uppity attitude and glaring at Sara all the while, Arthur's mother said, "See, she can't even remember her own lies." Then she turned around and walked away.

Sara's mother was screeching and slapping Sara. "Why didn't you say something? Now the neighbors are going to think you lied, and they'll all be talking about me." She kept slapping her and demanding an answer. She was saying over and over again, "Answer me! I said answer me!" Sara was traumatized. She tried to speak, but her words were all mixed up.

Sara's mother dug her nails into Sara's arm and pushed her across the street. When she got home her mother told Sara, "Go to your room. I don't want to see you."

Sara flung herself on her bed, grabbing Teddy and her doll, but nothing could comfort her. Sara kept saying, "Grandma, Grandma. I want my grandma."

Hearing her cries, Sara's mother called her grandma and said, "Sara is being a brat. Can you take her?" Her grandmother said, "Can I keep her overnight?" It was obvious that Sara's mother was beyond exasperation. She replied, "Yes, you can have her overnight. On second thought, you can have her for a whole week."

A little while later, the door slowly opened to Sara's bedroom. She could barely move; she was emotionally paralyzed. But when she looked up, she saw it was her beloved grandmother. Sara ran to her and started to sob. She pleaded with her grandmother not to leave her. Her grandmother had often noticed that Sara would shake when something really upset her. This time she was completely out of control.

Asking Sara what was wrong would have to wait. Her grandma knew it wasn't the right time. She just held Sara and rocked her. Then her grandmother said, "Do you want to come to my house?"

With tears streaming down her face, Sara replied, "Yes, Grandma. I want to go home."

It took a couple of days for her grandmother to calm Sara down. Sara told her how the babysitter had tried to put something inside her and how it hurt. She went on to tell her grandmother that the babysitter had said he was going to kill her with a knife.

Her grandmother said, "No, Sara. He doesn't have a knife, and he can't get one." That seemed to satisfy Sara to a certain degree.

Sara's Going Home

Her grandmother needed to do what was best for Sara. But she didn't know if just spending time at home with Sara would be the best thing. Sara had been at her grandmother's house for three days, and the nightmares seemed to be lessening. But her grandmother knew that Sara had gone through an extremely traumatic situation, and it wasn't going to be easy for her to forget.

Sara seemed calmer now, even though she was still not herself. Her grandmother thought that Sara would enjoy going to church the next morning. Yet she decided to ask Sara, just to make sure. Sara was happy to go. She felt safe in her Sunday School class because no one was mean to her. She liked to hear the stories about how nice Jesus was. She knew, though, that no one could be as nice as her grandma. Sara realized she would always be there for her, and that was comforting.

As they were walking in the door after church, they heard the phone ringing. It was Sara's mother. She said Sara's grandmother could keep her for two weeks instead of one. Sara's grandmother was elated as she hung up the phone and relayed the message to Sara. She asked Sara if she wanted to bake cookies or an apple pie. Sara's answer was an apple pie.

When they went into the kitchen, Sara saw a box on the table. Her grandma told her it was a present for her. When Sara opened it, she squealed with delight. It was a pink apron with white polka dots on it. She couldn't thank her grandma enough. The smile on Sara's face was worth every penny of the money her grandmother had saved to buy it.

As they started to bake, Sara put the apron back in the box. Her grandmother asked her why she wasn't wearing it.

Sara replied, "It's too pretty, Grandma. I don't want it to get dirty. If I keep it in the box, I can look at it forever."

As her grandma proceeded to take the apron out of the box, she said, "Sara, if you ever get it dirty, I promise you I'll buy you another one with even more polka dots."

When her grandmother took the pie out of the oven, she poured Sara a big glass of milk.

Frowning, Sara pushed it away and said, "I don't like milk anymore. Please don't make me drink it." Her grandmother quickly reassured her that she didn't have to.

She tried to change the subject, but Sara kept talking. "Mommy said we have to keep the doors closed because flies come in, and they have germs because they land on rotten garbage in the trash can. When one landed in my milk, I told her I didn't want to drink it. But she took a spoon, scooped it out, and said, 'Milk costs money. Drink it. Besides, the fly just landed on the top.' I told her, 'Please, please don't make me drink it because flies are dirty, and you said they had germs.' She got that scary look in her eyes and told me, 'Drink it!' I tried to, but I threw it all up. I threw up my pancakes, too."

After hearing that story, her grandmother said, "I know what we'll do. Let's throw the milk down the sink, and we'll just eat our apple pie."

Sara wrinkled up her nose and threw the milk down the sink. Then she looked at her grandma and giggled. The idea seemed to calm Sara...and that was a good thing.

Sara's grandma was glad the milk episode didn't set her back. But when the time came, would Sara be ready to go home? She worried about Sara still having nightmares. Sara had been through so much. Would she be able to cope? But her grandmother knew Sara would manage because with God all things are possible.

When she talked to Sara's father about standing up for Sara, he said he didn't want to fight with his wife. He had made a vow to God to love and cherish her forever, and a vow to God couldn't be broken. He'd been raised right. However, there was another truth: allowing abuse to continue at his children's expense was a sin in itself.

Greed

One summer after another slipped away. It seemed as if Sara was so little, and then she suddenly sprouted up like a weed. Time passed, and Sara's grandmother realized that Sara was a survivor.

It was the summer before Sara would start high school. All the girls were wearing a certain pair of shoes, and Sara wanted a pair to wear on the first day of school. She did everything she could to earn money. She cleaned houses, babysat, and even pulled the neighbor's weeds. She was only short by a little over a dollar, and it was probably the first time she had ever asked her mother for money.

Still, her mother's answer was "Absolutely not." She said, "You can't expect things to be handed to you for free."

Sara's mother was a bookie, and she could almost always be found with a racing form in her hand. Before she would take money from the women in the neighborhood, she would give them the tip of the day. It was always a long shot, so she rarely had to pay out any winnings. She even started to take lunch money from the children who lived in the neighborhood. She promised they could make lots of money if their horses won the race. That didn't last long once their mothers found out.

Even though Sara's mother always stuffed her money in drawers, coffee cans, and vases, she knew exactly how much she had. At the beginning of each week, she would take the money to the bank. When she died, she had accumulated over half a million dollars. Not to give Sara the little bit of money she needed to buy the shoes shows just how uncaring and selfish her mother really was.

Sara Meets a Friend

The rejection didn't stop when Sara went to high school, but it did become more bearable. At least now she was able to keep herself clean. She lived in a small town, and she was going to high school with the same girls she had attended grammar school with.

One morning, Sara was late and barely made it to her first class. As she walked in the room, the teacher was introducing a new girl who was standing in front of the class. Her name was Pattie, and she had just moved to town. She took a seat by Sara, and Sara talked to her during lunch.

In a short time, Sara discovered that Pattie's mother had died a few years before and her father was drunk most of the time. The court had decided that it would be best for Pattie to live with her aunt. She told Sara that she missed her mother and knew that her aunt didn't like her.

The two immediately became close friends. Pattie laughed and said she was glad that she and Sara had met because each of them owned two skirts, and now between them, they had four. Sara loved Pattie. She was the sister Sara never had.

It wasn't long before a boy named Russ noticed Pattie. The two started dating, and in no time he asked her if she would be his girlfriend. He had a best friend named Will who was interested in Sara. It wasn't long before Sara and Will fell in love. All four of them became close and did everything together. Their friendship only grew stronger throughout their four years of high school.

One night during senior year, Pattie told Sara she had a surprise for her and would tell her the next day at school. Sara couldn't imagine what it might be.

Before class the next morning, Pattie ran up to Sara and held out her left hand. She exclaimed, "Russ asked me to marry him, but I wanted to wait and tell you when I got the ring!"

Sara was so happy for her. Both of them were jumping up and down. Then Pattie teased, "Do you know anyone I could ask to be my maid of honor?"

That night, the four of them went out to celebrate. At one point, Pattie turned to Will and said, "So when are you two going to get married?" Then she turned to Sara and said, "It will be so much fun! We can live next door to each other and have our babies together."

Will said, "I'm going to get my degree first; then I'll have enough money to buy a house."

Sara turned to him and said, "I'm going to miss you so much when you go away to college."

Sara tried to stop thinking about how lonely she would be when Will was gone. After all, there were still three months of school and then summer vacation before he left.

A week hadn't gone by when Sara saw Pattie coming down the hall, obviously upset. She was crying when she said, "Russ's father said he wants him to work at the business that he is starting, so we'll be moving two hours away. Oh, Sara, I don't want to leave you!"

All Sara could think about was that now both Will and Pattie would be leaving her. She would be totally alone. A deep depression settled over her, and she couldn't seem to shake it.

Late that summer, Sara got a letter from her Uncle Ralph. He had written to tell her that he was offering to pay for her college tuition. He had even arranged for her to stay in a home that housed college students.

He was a professor at Stanford, and he realized the importance of a college education. He wrote that he hoped Sara would consider his offer. Sara wrote back immediately and accepted. She was so grateful and couldn't thank him enough.

Sara's mother didn't seem surprised by her uncle's offer. Sara was sure she had something to do with it. All her mother said, though, was that Sara should get an MRS degree. When Sara asked what that was, her mother replied, "Just find a rich husband."

Before Sara left for school Will said, "Sara, if you meet a nice guy, please let him take you to a movie or out for coffee."

He knew it would be hard for Sara to meet new friends whom she could trust. He didn't want her to be depressed or lonely.

When Sara started to object Will interrupted and said, "Sara, please."

Sara Goes to College

Sara was more anxious than excited when she arrived at her dormitory. She was met by the housemother, who told her that most of the rooms were already taken, but she hoped Sara would like the one she was assigned. Then she added, "Your roommate has already settled in." Sara decided if her roommate didn't like her she would just keep to herself.

Sara's heart was beating a mile a minute. She opened the door and was greeted with, "Hello, you must be my new roommate. My name is Jane."

Most people would have said that Jane was unattractive. She was squatty and wore glasses that were way too big for her face. However, what Sara noticed most about Jane was her beautiful smile. And the more Sara got to know her, the more beautiful she became. Jane was very quiet and kept mostly to herself. Sara never really got close to her, but when she was around Jane, at least she didn't feel threatened.

Sara needed money, so the first thing she did at college was apply for a job. She quickly found work at a nearby department store. But she soon discovered it didn't pay enough money to meet all her needs, so she got an extra job cleaning a house on Sunday mornings.

Jealousy Rears Its Ugly Head

A new girl, Prissy, had moved into the room at the end of the hall. The other girls immediately started gossiping behind her back. Then the girls started verbally abusing her to her face.

At the dinner table, Elizabeth, who always seemed to be the instigator, asked her, "Who gave you such a funny name?"

Prissy explained that it was short for Priscilla and she had been named after her grandmother. Sara saw the expression on her face and knew the pain she must be feeling.

Prissy got up from the table, leaving her dinner untouched. Sara didn't want to be part of the conversation, so she got up and left as well.

As she passed Prissy in the hall, Sara saw her look away. But Prissy couldn't hide the fact that she had been crying. It was Friday, and Sara knew she was probably going home for the weekend. Sara had noticed Prissy wasn't there on the weekends, but she hadn't given it much thought. Now she knew why.

Sara wasn't part of the group of mean girls by choice. She didn't really know what was going on, and that weekend, she asked Elizabeth why no one liked Prissy.

Elizabeth said, "She doesn't even do her own ironing; she pays to send it out."

The girl next to Elizabeth commented on the fact that Prissy's mother had bought her a new car and then added, "She's just a spoiled brat."

Sara said that they didn't really know her, so how did they know she was spoiled?

They said that they just did.

All that next week, the girls made remarks about Prissy, but Sara said nothing. She could hardly look at Prissy because she felt so much shame and guilt. Enduring physical pain would have been easier for Sara compared to the mental anguish she was experiencing. She kept asking herself why she didn't stand up for Prissy.

Every day, Sara told herself that the next time she heard anyone talking about Prissy, she would speak up, even though she didn't want to face the isolation and rejection she knew would inevitably follow. She had mixed emotions. Everything in her wanted to stand up for Prissy, but she knew in her heart as much as she wanted to, she might not be able to do it.

Sara came back to the dormitory a little late one Sunday and hoped she hadn't missed dinner. When she walked in, the girls were doing something to the staircase and giggling. She asked, "What's going on?"

Elizabeth replied, "We're tying Prissy's clothes to the banister rails. We can hardly wait to see her expression when she walks in."

The emotions that had been bottled up inside Sara finally exploded. She kept asking, "How can you do this?" Everyone ignored her, and she started screaming, "Answer me! How can you do this?" Before anyone could answer, she said, "It's not only being mean; it's being evil."

She started to untie the clothes just as Prissy walked in. When Prissy saw what was happening, she was mortified.

Sara looked at the group of girls and said, "Anyone who had a part in this needs to apologize." Turning to Elizabeth, she added, "Except for you, because there's absolutely no goodness in you to do that."

As Sara started to untie the rest of Prissy's clothes, she told her she would help her iron them.

Prissy looked embarrassed and said, "No one has ever taught me how to iron. The housekeeper always did it."

Sara felt very protective toward Prissy. When Sara discovered that her roommate was moving out, she asked Prissy if she would like to share her room. Prissy had a big smile on her face. Sara couldn't remember ever seeing her smile before.

The girls in the house began to feel shame and guilt for their actions and stopped being cruel to Prissy. But there was still constant backbiting. Sara asked Prissy if she wanted to move to an apartment the following semester. Prissy was excited about the idea. Sara told her she would save all her money so that she could afford it.

When it came time to find an apartment, they looked and looked but didn't find anything that Sara thought she could afford. Prissy told Sara that because she was working so much, she would do the looking, and if she found something, then Sara could pay half. Prissy found the perfect apartment. She paid more than half, but she never let Sara know the truth.

Gourmet Dinners

Prissy loved to cook and had the money to buy good food. They agreed that one week Sara would buy the food and cook, and the next week it would be Prissy's turn. Sara was embarrassed because she cooked beans a lot, and Prissy almost always cooked steak.

The local pet store was on the way home. Sara stopped and inquired if they sold horsemeat, and was it all right to cook it medium, or did it have to be cooked well-done to be safe to eat? The store owner overheard Sara and commented, "Miss, horsemeat doesn't have to be cooked; dogs can eat it raw."

Sara stammered, "I mean, well, do people eat horsemeat?"

The owner chuckled, "If people can eat a cow, I guess they can eat a horse." He gave her a wink. "It's a whole lot cheaper, too." Sara counted her money and bought just under a pound.

When she served it, Prissy said, "This is really good for horsemeat."

Sara said, "How did you know?"

Prissy replied, "I saw it written on the package. I knew I would like it, but I like beans, too."

Prissy was always so tactful and never meant to be unkind. She was just honest, and that's what Sara loved about her. And that's how horsemeat became a staple, whenever it was Sara's week to cook.

There hadn't been a letter from Will for a long time, and Sara knew they had grown apart. Sara's grandma's hand hurt when she tried to write, so Sara hadn't communicated with her for a long time either, and she started missing her.

The next night, she made mush and apple pie, and went down to the store and bought a bright colored ribbon. The next morning, as she was eating her mush, each bite brought back cherished memories of her grandmother. The mush and apple pie would have to do until Sara could see her again.

Summer finally arrived; the semester was over. Sara and Prissy promised to write, and they planned to get an apartment together when school started. Prissy said, "If I roomed with someone else, they might not be able to cook horsemeat like you do."

During the summer, Sara decided not to return to school, even though she knew she would miss Prissy. She applied for a position as an airline hostess and got accepted. However, on every flight she became sick and soon decided flying wasn't for her. She decided she wanted to work in San Francisco. She had heard it was an exciting place to live. But she soon grew tired of the city and just wanted to go home. Sara had started to miss her grandmother more and more, and she also wanted to know how her dad was. Soon she was on a bus headed home.

The first thing she did was check on her father, and then she went to see her grandma. Sara spent the night, and they made mush and the next day baked an apple pie. It brought back such happy memories.

A painful expression on her grandmother's face, as she was peeling the apples, prompted Sara to say, "Grandma, your hands are hurting you again. Let me peel the apples." Her grandma smiled and said, "It makes me happy to peel the apples for you."

Sara thought about how her grandma had always been there for her and how much of herself she was always willing to give. She loved her so much.

One night, she heard there was going to be a party and Will was going to be there. It had been a long time since she had seen him, and she decided she would go and say hello. The minute she saw him all of the old feelings she had for him resurfaced.

She looked at him and realized that of all the men she had dated, not one of them had the morals or values that Will did. He had all the qualities she couldn't find in anyone else. She went over to him, and the minute he saw her, he introduced her to the girl he was with. Sara's heart skipped a beat.

At that moment Sara knew she had to forget him. It would take time, though. He was all that she could think of.

The next day, when she heard a knock at the door, she was surprised to see Will standing there. He was nervous as he said, "Sara, will you go to the movies with me?"

He hesitated for a minute and then said, "What I really want to say is that when I saw you the other night, I realized that I still love you."

Tears were streaming down Sara's face. She put her arms around Will and told him that she loved him, too. Then she blurted out, "Will you marry me?"

Will laughed and said, "I thought I was supposed to do the asking."

Sara smiled and said, "What if you didn't, though?" Will grabbed her and kissed her.

Sara became serious and asked, "Why did you choose me over the girl that you introduced me to last night?"

Will answered, "Because you're the one I want to be the mother of my children."

Sara knew he would never be disappointed.

When she told her mother, she was surprised to hear her say the reception could be held at their house, but then she added that the guests didn't need cake and ice cream, and she knew Sara could find a dress at the local thrift store.

Sara did find a dress and put what little money she had saved down on it. Will was also trying to save for the wedding, but he ended up taking money out of his savings account to surprise her by paying the balance on the dress.

He also bought Sara a beautiful ring. When her mother saw it, she frowned and said, "I wouldn't wear anything so small. It's so little. What are your friends going to think?"

Sara said she loved it and didn't care what anyone said. They ended up having the reception at Will's house. They had a beautiful cake with ice cream, and Sara proudly showed everyone her ring.

First Home

When Sara and Will moved into their new home, she was nervous to meet their neighbors. When the doorbell rang one day, it was her neighbor from across the street. The woman introduced herself and told Sara that the neighbors got together once a week to have coffee. She asked if Sara would like to join them. Sara thanked her and said she would look forward to it.

The day finally arrived. Sara put on a dress that she saved for special occasions, spent a long time making sure her hair looked just right, and slowly walked across the street. Worrisome thoughts kept going through her head. "What if they don't like me? What if I say something wrong?"

By the time she rang the bell, she was a nervous wreck. When she walked in, she noticed that everyone had on sweats and no makeup, and one girl looked as if she hadn't even combed her hair that morning.

Sara had been programmed to think she had to dress a certain way to be accepted. She hardly spoke the whole time and made an excuse to leave early.

Sara's next-door neighbor, Betty, loved to gossip, and it made Sara feel uncomfortable, so she didn't try to make friends with her, but she didn't want to be rude so when Betty asked her if she would like to come over for coffee, Sara agreed. She said she couldn't stay long, but she would come. Betty had been at the neighborhood coffee get-together, and she could hardly wait to tell Sara what people had said when Sara left.

"One remark that Barbara made was that you were certainly trying to impress everyone. And someone asked, 'Why do you think she was so overdressed?' Another woman replied, 'Well, it made up for her dull personality.' And they all laughed."

Life Change

Will came home from work early one day. He rushed in, grabbed Sara, and said, "You know how hard it's been to sell the product I have been working on? Well, I just got my first contract. Not only that, I got my first check, too. Sara, we can bank on this money coming in every month."

He continued, "I'm taking off work tomorrow, and we are going to look for a new car for you. Then you can see your grandmother whenever you like. Won't it be nice to know you can get out and not be stuck in the house all day?"

Money was still something Sara wasn't used to having. She started to object, but Will interrupted her by saying, "You need a car to take the baby to her doctor's appointments, don't you?"

That was all Sara needed to hear. One week later, she had a new car.

Sara didn't really feel the need to get out of the house, though. She had a new baby, and she loved rocking her, making up songs to sing to her, and at times just holding her. Sara thought about how badly her mother had treated her and vowed to her daughter that she would always protect her.

She told her, "When you hurt, I'll be there to hold you, and you'll always know how much you are loved."

Sara eventually had six children, and she made that same vow to each of them when they were born.

Conflict with the Neighbors

A client who Will was doing business with and his wife were coming for dinner one evening. Will told Sara, "I'm going to make sure the garage door is closed before they come." Sara thought that was a strange remark, but not important enough to question.

Their oven and washing machine had both stopped working. They now had the money to replace them. Three of Sara's neighbors always went for a walk in the morning. In the space of a week, they saw not only Sara's new car, but also a new oven and washing machine being delivered to Sara's house.

When Sara was getting her mail one day, her next-door neighbor remarked sarcastically, "I wish I had enough money to afford all those appliances."

Sara didn't respond; she was at a loss for words. Jealousy was obviously alive and well in her neighborhood.

The next day, as Sara was pulling into her driveway, two of her neighbors were taking their usual walk. When they saw Sara, one of them commented, "It seems like such a waste of money to have two cars."

Sara had been coming home from an appointment with the baby's doctor.

The neighbor across the street didn't have a phone, and she asked Sara one day if she minded if her family called Sara's number, and then she could relay the message. Thinking the arrangement would only be used in case of an emergency, Sara agreed. However, people began calling all day long!

Sara would have to drop whatever she was doing to run across the street and tell her neighbor that she had a call. Sometimes the neighbor would be on the phone for more than half an hour. With a newborn in the house, Sara was often so tired that she just wanted to get a few minutes' rest... but then the phone would ring.

One night, the phone rang late in the evening. Will picked up the phone to hear someone asking if she could speak to their neighbor. Will was furious. He was glad Sara wasn't in the room. He yelled into the phone, "Never call this number again!" And then he hung up.

He told Sara to tell the neighbor to stop having people call, but Sara was afraid. She didn't want to give the neighbor another reason to like her any less than she already did.

The next morning on his way to work, Will saw the neighbor's husband gardening and said, "You're welcome to use our phone, but each call will cost you five dollars. That will pay for all the hassle my wife has to go through running over to your house each time the phone rings."

Sara never knew that Will had talked to her neighbor's husband. All she knew was that it was a relief not get any more phone calls.

Envy

Will noticed that Sara was depressed. She had mentioned she knew the neighbors didn't like her. Will wished he could make Sara realize that it wasn't her they didn't like; it was simply that they couldn't control their jealousy.

It was on a Sunday that Will's sister dropped by. She was a model with a beautiful face and a gorgeous figure. Sara was glad to see her and welcomed her company.

Will knew by the look on his sister's face that something was wrong. When he put his arm around her, the tears started to flow.

She immediately started sharing her feelings. "I hate having a good figure; I hate being a model; I hate being pretty. I hate it all because it makes people hate me. I know I'm just having a bad day, but it's just that I get so tired of it all."

Will spent a lot of time talking to his sister. She said, "It makes me feel so much better that someone understands. I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm glad I did."

When she was ready to leave, she didn't have a smile on her face, but she wasn't crying either.

After she left, Sara asked Will if he thought the neighbors were jealous of her because of her new car.

Will replied, "Why do you think I wanted to close the garage door when that couple was coming for dinner? I didn't want them to know we have a new car. Sara, people can like you and still be resentful of you if you have something they don't have."

He thought for a moment and then said, "Let me give you a better example. My customer's boss bought a new Jaguar. He had it just over a week when he came out of a restaurant to find a key mark on it. It wasn't a small scratch; it went from the front to the back of the car.

"The next week, after his son's football game, he discovered a dirty footprint on the side of his car. The last straw was when he was backing out of a parking space and heard a person walking by ask if he knew how many mouths the money he'd paid for the car would feed. He responded, 'I'm sure not a tenth of those that are fed by the money I give to charity.'"

Hearing this story, Sara was reminded of the time that Prissy got her new car. Prissy's parents loved to surprise her with presents. There was always a note attached that said how much they loved her. The best present Prissy ever received, of course, was the red convertible sports car.

Her parents had it sitting in the driveway when Prissy and Sara came home one weekend. When Prissy realized it was for her, she screamed with delight. Sara just kept hugging Prissy; it was all so exciting. Prissy's mother had said something that Sara didn't understand.

She asked, "You are genuinely happy for Prissy, aren't you?"

At the time, Sara thought the question was strange. Why wouldn't anyone be happy for her friend?

Depression Sets In

It was hard for Sara to watch from her kitchen window as her neighbors walked to each other's houses for coffee. Sara was never invited, and eventually the sadness she felt turned into a deep depression. Sara knew it wasn't because they were jealous of her — she just wasn't likeable. She thought about how she had been shunned in school. Now it was the neighbors who wanted nothing to do with her. Even her own mother didn't like her. She knew something must be terribly wrong with her.

Sara was open game for self-doubts. Throughout the day, she was bombarded with negative thoughts. She found herself questioning if Pattie and Prissy had even liked her, or did they just need her for something?

Before Sara got married, being a flight attendant was fun, but she got airsick, so that was short-lived, and then she decided to move to San Francisco. There had always been something to do there, which meant she didn't have time to think about herself. But now, she was constantly reminded that she was unlovable. The feelings of rejection began to smother her. She started to doubt her own husband. Didn't he say he chose her because he wanted her to be the mother of his children?

In the morning, she would smile at Will as he left for work, but the minute he was out the door, negativity took over Sara's mind.

She thought about how much better off her husband and children would be without her and how selfish it was to have her children live with a mother who was depressed all the time.

Sara was constantly bombarded by negative thoughts of how much better off her children would be without her. The voices in her head wouldn't leave her alone. They whispered, "Sara, the fact that you are unlovable will eventually affect your children." Over and over, she heard the same lies. The voices kept telling her that if she took her life, she would be free of pain and suffering, and her children would be much better off.

Desperate thoughts swirled in Sara's head. She could use a gun, jump off a cliff, or drown herself. But then she remembered something that had happened when she was little, when some older children had held her head under water. The feeling of not being able to breathe had been excruciating.

Sara thought of all the ways she could end the misery she was in, but she realized she wasn't brave enough to take her own life. She only knew she didn't want to live. She kept wishing there was a line that she could step over and just disappear. It would make things so much easier. Sara realized that she was not only unlovable — she was also a coward.

But God had not forsaken Sara. For each lie and negative word that the voices would whisper to her, God would replace it with a positive thought. When she heard the voices say, "Sara, you know your children would be better off without you," God exposed the lie and replaced it with the truth. Sara was made to realize that no one would love or care for her children like she would. She had been selfish in only thinking of herself.

She repeated the vow that she had made to each of her babies when they were born. God had won the war over Sara's soul, but she had a long way to go before she won the battle over her life. God would help her, but first she had to find Him.

Sara's Reunion

One day, a letter came in the mail informing Sara that her high school class reunion was coming up. This made her think of Pattie and she wished she could get in touch with her. But she had lost her address, and she knew Pattie didn't know how to get in touch with her. Sara missed her friend.

When Sara and Will got to the hotel where the reunion was being held, Sara looked everywhere for Pattie, but she realized she must not have come.

At one point, Sara bumped into the girl that had long ago slammed her front door in Sara's face. The words had been burned into Sara's memory: "Sorry, you can't come in without a present. And besides, you smell bad."

The girl now smiled at Sara and said, "Sara, how nice to see you." As she was turning away, she remarked, "We must get together soon."

When Sara called her name, the girl turned around with a surprised look on her face. Sara said, "About getting together... you're about twenty years too late."

The Move

Moving out of her neighborhood seemed like the only solution to Sara's problems. She and Will had been looking a long time for the perfect house to move into. They had almost given up when the real estate agent told Sara she had found a house she thought they both would like. After they saw it, they were both excited to move. However, Sara was nervous as well.

Moving day finally arrived. As the moving van was being loaded, one of Sara's neighbors was standing in front of her house. Sara became emotional when she saw her.

She confronted her neighbor and said, "What did I do to make you all hate me so much?" Sara's nose was running, and she couldn't wipe the tears away fast enough.

The neighbor saw the anguished look on Sara's face and said, "Sara, I have felt so guilty about the way you were treated. Can you ever forgive me?"

But Sara didn't hear her. She asked the question again. "What did I do?"

The neighbor looked down and said, "You just had more than we did." She asked again, "Will you please forgive me?"

Sara looked at her and nodded because she was too choked up to speak.

Knowing what a devastating hold jealousy had on this woman invoked pity from Sara. But was it really all about jealousy? Sara thought that if the neighbors had really liked her, they wouldn't have been jealous of what she had.

Moving into a new neighborhood didn't take away her loneliness, but Sara didn't have to face the rejection that she had felt every day in her old neighborhood. Soon after Sara settled in, though, she became extremely nervous again about meeting her new neighbors.

She finally got up the courage to go meet the neighbor a few doors down. Sara rang the doorbell, and the woman who answered was all dressed up. Sara introduced herself, and the woman explained that she couldn't really talk right then because she was late for a club meeting. She asked where Sara lived and said she would drop by later. Sara went out and bought some French pastries and gourmet coffee. She waited and waited, but the neighbor never came.

Sara didn't just want company; she wanted to know that somebody cared. She was terribly lonesome, and a feeling of desperation had set in. The old feeling of wishing there was a line she could step over and just disappear kept getting stronger and stronger. The neighbors came to sense her desperation and wanted nothing to do with her.

Sara the Needy

The next day, after Sara fed the baby and put her down for a nap, she decided to put on her old stained blouse and go do some gardening. She noticed the woman who lived down the street was just pulling in to her driveway. Sara thought it would be the perfect time to try and meet her.

Sara walked up to the woman and introduced herself, but all the while Sara was talking, her neighbor was looking her up and down. Sara followed the woman's gaze and saw what she must be seeing: the spots and stains on Sara's old blouse. To make matters worse, the woman was impeccably dressed.

Giving Sara a rather disgusted look, the woman asked, "What do you want?"

Sara was humiliated and wanted to say, "I just want someone to think I'm worthwhile!" Sara stammered, "I wondered if you would like to come and have coffee with me sometime?"

The woman hardly looked at Sara as she said, "I'm sorry. I'm just too busy." With that, she turned and walked away. Her impression of Sara was that she was very needy, and she didn't need that problem. She was right. Years of abuse had taken its toll.

Changes in Sara

Sara felt that familiar hurt feeling. It cut through her like a knife. Right then, something in her changed. She decided she didn't want to spend the rest of her life being miserable. She knew she was unlovable, and it was time she accepted it. She thought about how much her husband and children really did love her. She told herself that she didn't need more than that.

When Will came home that evening, she had a big smile on her face. When he asked her if she wanted to go to the movies, she said that she would rather stay home and make mush and an apple pie with the kids.

Sara kept mostly to herself, so she was surprised when she heard the doorbell ring one day. A woman introduced herself by saying, "My name is Julie, and my daughter gets her hair done at the same place as the neighbors. She heard them talking about you one day, saying you have all these kids and that you never dress up. Well, I have seven kids, and I don't have time to dress up either, so I was wondering if we could be friends." She said all of this without even taking a breath.

It wasn't what Julie had said; it was the way she had said it. Sara started belly laughing. She thought Julie was a breath of fresh air. She was real. Sara said, "If we're going to be friends, you had better come in for coffee."

Within an hour, the two women felt as though they had known each other for a lifetime. It was when Sara noticed that Julie had more than one stain on her dress that she knew she had found a true friend.

One day, Sara was sitting and talking to Julie at her kitchen table. In a startled voice, Sara said, "Julie, a pony just came in your back door!" Julie replied nonchalantly, "I know. Oscar likes to be with the family."

Dishes were often piled up in the sink, and Julie couldn't care less. All of this is what made her so special to Sara.

Sara and Julie started going to Bible study. Julie eventually quit, but Sara kept going. She questioned some stories in the Bible, such as when Jonah survived being swallowed whole by a whale. But the goal of Bible study seemed to be to lead Sara to the truth.

Sara wondered why the disciple who deserted Jesus came back after He was dead, not only to speak for Him but willing to die for Him as well. It hit Sara like a lightning bolt. There could only be one answer — Jesus was actually the Son of God.

The next night at Bible study, Sara walked in and yelled, "I believe!"

They all clapped for her. They couldn't have been more excited. In retrospect, Sara couldn't believe they had been so patient with her in answering all her questions.

Sara couldn't get enough of the Bible. She heard some of the people in her Bible study group saying that God talked to them, and she wondered how it happened. They told her they didn't know exactly how to explain it, but they said it was like a thought interrupting your thoughts. She kept asking God to let her know He was there. She kept asking, but God was silent.

The Necklace

One day, Sara saw a necklace with a small cross on it at the Christian bookstore. It was only fifteen dollars, and she wanted to buy it. But when she reached for her wallet, she realized she had left it at home.

That same week, Barbara, the president of one of the local women's groups who lived on Sara's street, was having a jewelry party. Sara knew that Barbara thought Sara's money was as good as anyone else's, so of course she was invited.

Sara knew she was going for the wrong reasons. She didn't care about the jewelry. She just wanted to get dressed up so that she could walk in and heads would turn. She would make an appearance and then leave as soon as she felt it was acceptable.

The night of the party, Sara did find one necklace that she liked. She told Barbara that she wanted to purchase it, but it was more money than she had expected. She explained that she didn't have that much cash on her, but she definitely wanted the necklace.

Barbara started to ask Sara if she was sure she could afford it, but she quickly caught herself in midsentence and said, "Are you sure you want it?"

Sara was told that the woman selling the jewelry would have to drive over an hour to bring it back to her. Sara assured the hostess that she wanted the necklace.

The next morning, Sara laughed as she told Julie what had happened at the jewelry party. She said, "Just because I have little ones and don't ever dress up, they think that I'm poor."

Julie kidded, "Sara, don't you know you should always wear your nicest dress when you garden?" Then Julie became serious and said, "You know you can't change your mind now. You'd better really want that necklace because the whole neighborhood will be talking about you if you decide you aren't going to buy it."

Sara replied, "Even if I no longer wanted it, at this point I'll buy it anyway."

Sara was scheduled to meet Barbara at nine o'clock the next night. She made sure she was right on time. When she arrived, she was shown the necklace and told the total amount. As she was writing the check and preparing to sign her name, she heard a voice, but there was no sound. Sara couldn't explain it. She knew it was different than a thought.

Sara heard, "You shall not have the necklace." It was God! Sara was not only surprised — she was beyond excited.

Sara didn't hesitate. She said, "I'm sorry, but I have changed my mind. I don't want the necklace anymore."

Barbara was more upset than the seller who had made the long drive and lost the sale. Barbara said in an angry tone, "I had a feeling you wouldn't end up buying it. What excuse do you have for putting everybody out?"

Putting her checkbook in her purse, Sara paused for a minute. She could make up an excuse for why she wasn't going to buy it, or she could face ridicule by the whole neighborhood. She chose the latter. She stood up and said, "God told me I couldn't have it."

Sara then raced to the Christian store. The clerk had just put the "Closed" sign in the window. When she saw Sara standing outside, she started to laugh as she waved her in. "I saw the look of disappointment on your face and couldn't turn you away," she said.

Sara thanked her, then quickly ran to the jewelry counter and pointed to the necklace that she wanted. The salesgirl picked up the wrong necklace, and Sara said, "No, the one next to it. The one for fifteen dollars."

So many people that Sara knew had told her that God communicated with them. Sara never understood what they meant...until now. She didn't know how to explain it; all she knew was that it had finally happened to her. In her exuberance, Sara felt she had to call her grandmother. Her grandma was elated. She had been praying for a long time that Sara would hear from God.

Truth Is Rejected

If her mother heard what had happened, would she believe? Sara had forgiven her mother since becoming a Christian. She fought the urge to call her, but she knew she would feel guilty if she didn't. As she was trying to talk to her mother, all she heard was screaming.

Sara held the phone away from her ear as her mother's words came blaring out. "I told you never to mention that name 'Jesus' to me again!"

Sara felt pity for her mother, but with Jesus, Sara knew there was always hope.

Confession

A few days later, one of the neighbors down the street asked Sara if she could come over to talk. Sara couldn't imagine what it was about but welcomed the woman to stop by. The neighbor rang the bell, and Sara invited her to come in. As she pointed to a chair for the woman to sit down, Sara noticed that she seemed nervous.

The neighbor began, "I thought you should know that Barbara is gossiping about you. She remarked that you are crazy because you told her that God wouldn't let you buy that necklace." The neighbor continued, "Barbara's husband has been infatuated with you for a long time. He never tries to hide it. This is all about her being jealous of you. She's been spreading rumors about you and has practically turned the whole neighborhood against you."

Then, as she got up to leave, she said, "I thought she was being malicious and felt I should come and talk to you. I hope you can come and visit me sometime." She asked Sara for her phone number, smiled, and then left.

Sara Breaks Down

After some time had passed, Sara decided she wanted to go back to school and get a certificate in counseling so she could help children who had been abused. She had heard of a class that was recommended for students considering such work. The school was within walking distance from her home, and Julie offered to watch the baby while she was gone. It was perfect.

Before enrolling, Sara talked to the counselor who was instructing the class, who explained that the class was designed to help the students cope with their own problems before they encountered similar situations with their clients.

"It wouldn't do if you were both crying at the same time," the counselor explained with a half-smile. He told Sara, "Write down your story, and I'll see if you qualify for this program. People in past classes have sometimes gone over the edge. We can't take that kind of risk."

He continued, "But you don't have much time to write down your story, as it's already Monday, and the class starts on Friday."

Sara said, "If I have it to you by Wednesday and you approve it, can I sign up for the class?"

The counselor said, "If you have it on my desk by Wednesday, I'll read it. Check with me Thursday around four."

Sara's life story was on the counselor's desk by nine o'clock Wednesday morning, and she was in his office by four on Thursday.

When she arrived, his secretary said, "I'm sorry, but he has left for the day." Sara was terribly discouraged.

As she started to leave, the secretary asked, "Is your name Sara?" When Sara told her that it was, the woman handed her an envelope with her name on it. Sara quickly opened it and read the scrawled note inside. "It seems you are a survivor. There is room for you in the class. We will see you on Friday."

During the first week of class, the teacher handed a blank book to each student and asked them to write down every happy childhood memory they could recall. He gave some examples, such as a time when they were comforted by a parent, a special birthday, or an exciting vacation. In other words, he wanted the students to relive their happiest memories. The class was told to think about these special times over the weekend and record them in their journals.

He then told them that the following week they would be writing about their worst childhood experiences and sharing them with the class.

The teacher then gave the students time to start the assignment. Sara sat with her book open. She watched all the other students begin writing.

The student next to her said, "All birthdays are fun. How does he expect us to write about one that was better than the others?"

It was then that all the emotions she had stuffed down came bubbling to the surface. She thought to herself, "I didn't survive anything."

Sara put down her pencil, left the book on the table, and walked out of the class. She was crying so hard that when the school guard saw her, he asked her what was wrong. She stuttered when she tried to answer him; she couldn't get the words out. She couldn't get control of her emotions.

She cried that whole day. The next morning, she started to cry in the bank, in the checkout line for groceries — no matter where she was, she couldn't hold back the tears. The memories of her childhood were surfacing. The pain they caused was suffocating her.

A week had passed, and Sara still couldn't control her emotions. Was she going over the edge? Will knew she needed help and found a facility that was highly recommended. Sara didn't want to go. She thought she was just feeling sorry for herself and that she could take control of her emotions on her own. But the tears kept coming, and soon she had to admit that she couldn't do it. She realized her problems were more than she could handle.

The Journey

Will drove Sara to the facility where she would spend the next couple of weeks or so, depending on her progress. Therapy would begin the next day, after Sara had gotten settled in.

The head counselor called Sara in for an interview. He wanted her to know he was there to help her. He explained that children who don't have a parent to protect them usually end up having trust issues as adults.

He said, "A high percentage of children who are abused will end up abusing their own children."

Sara replied, "I don't want to be one of those statistics."

The counselor said gently, "It would be advisable to first deal with having been raped."

Sara said, "Oh, I was never raped."

The counselor knew not to press the point; the time wasn't right. But the interview would prove to be more revealing than Sara realized.

The other patients were continually sobbing one minute and laughing hysterically the next. Sara felt right at home; she was not alone in her strange behavior. It seemed to Sara that most of the women had been verbally or physically abused. They had never had good relationships with their mothers, yet they still longed for their acceptance. That seemed strange to Sara.

Sara found herself concentrating less on herself and more on others, especially a young girl in the group who had been mistreated. Sara wished the girl had been her daughter. She would have loved and protected her.

Sara's lack of concentration on herself prompted the counselor to call her in for another talk. He knew she had deep issues that needed to be addressed, and this was as good a time as any. He asked Sara to describe how her mother and father viewed her. Two words immediately came to Sara's mind: rotten and stupid.

He then performed an evaluation of Sara. He discovered that she jumped at loud noises, which was a good indication that Sara's abuse was either severe or prolonged. He also wanted to understand why she had trouble speaking in clear sentences. Sara agreed to take some tests.

The counselor went over Sara's results with her. He told her he had only seen a couple of cases like hers before. He explained it to Sara the best way he could. He said, "Imagine words in a sentence. Let's give each word a letter. People are hearing words in order. B follows A, but you hear A, and then the sentence skips to C, and you have to quickly figure out what B meant. Only a highly intelligent person can do that."

Sara was surprised at this information. She said, "I wish my mother would have known that."

The counselor asked Sara what kind of grades she got in college.

"All As and one B," she replied.

"How many credits did you take that semester?" "I took 21 credits."

"A full load is usually twelve credits, maybe fifteen. I'm impressed you took so many classes."

Sara answered, "I wanted to finish school as quickly as I could and get on with my life. They weren't hard subjects."

Then he asked, "How did it feel when you finished the semester on the honor roll?"

Sara said, "I remember thinking that I still felt stupid, and I couldn't hold back the tears."

Sara's answer didn't surprise him. The counselor knew he had his work cut out for him. He told her, "Your reaction seems normal to me. It is imperative, however, that you realize that not everyone is proficient in all cognitive areas. Concentrate on what you do well. Replace all negative thoughts about your abilities with positive ones."

He continued, "Sara, you can't be so hard on yourself. You have been brainwashed to think you're not capable. It will take time to develop a healthy attitude about yourself, but with hard work, you'll succeed."

That day, Sara felt that she had taken a first step in the right direction. But she still wanted to find out why her mother thought she was so rotten.

The counselor called Sara in later that week. He said, "I noticed in your chart that you had a difficult relationship with your mother. Low self-esteem can produce feelings of guilt in a child. In your case, you might feel that because she is your mother, you are supposed to love her. And if you don't, the guilt sets in. But what you're doing is making it so that she doesn't have to take responsibility for her actions."

He added, "Sara, you have my permission to walk away from the situation. Do you realize that your mother is extremely toxic, and a relationship with her would hinder your recovery?"

Sara simply replied, "I have never felt guilty about my relationship with my mother."

The counselor explained that Sara exhibited symptoms of being raped and that it was important that they deal with the issue. He could only assume what she experienced, but Sara had to admit it to herself.

He told Sara he wanted her permission to conduct a therapy session that would be very beneficial to her. Sara agreed. He told her that it was important to keep her eyes closed during the exercise. He knew this would help her achieve an altered state. He understood that due to the highs and lows of her emotions that she had experienced in the group setting, emotions could easily take over logic, such as when a person laughs at a funeral.

The counselor asked Sara to lie on her back on the floor. The first thing Sara did was put her hands across her chest. Then the counselor put his hand on the inside of her thigh. Sara immediately went into an altered state. It was as if she was dreaming. She flung her body toward the wall. She started clawing the carpet to get away. Then she curled up into a ball. Finally, she heard the words, "You can open your eyes now."

She answered, "No, I'm safe like this." She started to come out of it when she heard the counselor say to someone, "That's when she split off."

The next morning, the counselor called Sara into his office and said, "Do you feel as though you're living in somewhat of a fog this morning? Perhaps things are not quite in focus?"

Sara answered, "Yes. I tried to explain that feeling to my roommate last night, but I was so confused I didn't know what was happening. I only knew I felt strange."

The counselor told Sara that feeling disconnected was a direct result of the trauma she faced as a child. "Sara, you're still reacting to your experience yesterday. Your body believes you were raped. You're in shock."

"But I got away both times," she explained.

"I'd like you to tell me the story of how you avoided being raped, but only if you feel ready to talk about it."

Sara said, "Yes." She was ready. Sara took a deep breath. "The man that took me from Alice's house and put me in the back seat of his car— I remember his hot-smelling body being on top of me, but then I got away."

"After the rape, your mind worked hard to protect you," the counselor said gently. He looked at his notes. "A seven-year-old child couldn't have emotionally survived that ordeal. Your mind was unable to process the truth. As an adult, do you really think that a seven-year-old could get out of the car by herself, or do you think she was let out a block from her grandmother's house?"

He continued. "Let's talk about the incident with the naked man. Do you think a seven-year-old child can get past a large man by running past him down the stairs?"

Sara was amazed. "As an adult, it all seems so obvious that none of that would have been possible. But why wouldn't I have figured that out at some point?"

"Your mind still thinks it has to protect you," the counselor replied, "and the mind doesn't always let logic prevail. A seven- year-old couldn't have survived the trauma of being raped."

Forgiveness

The counselor emphasized his point. "Your mind protected you, Sara. Logic was not a part of your memories, so you were given a way to escape the trauma. I'm sure you have heard of cases where people can't remember accidents that they were in. It's a similar situation. Can you imagine a seven-year-old remembering the trauma of being raped? But as an adult, you need to face what happened. It is imperative that you forgive your rapists in order for you to get better. It is normal that you have anger toward your abuses. An injustice has been done to you. You can yell, scream and cry out to God, but you can't let it turn into bitterness. In the Bible God says, 'Be angry but do not be bitter.' God says vengeance is His alone."

A speaker came to the facility the next morning and spoke about forgiveness. Something he said triggered a reaction in Sara. She left in the middle of the talk and went back to her room to pray. She felt she had forgiven her mother, but there were memories that kept coming back that /inflicted so much pain, could she completely forgive? She closed her eyes and saw a little girl wearing a long, white dress with a big bow tied in back and a bow in her hair to match. It was a beautiful, sunny day and the little girl was picking yellow flowers and putting them in a small basket.

The little girl turned around to look at Sara, and she was smiling. Sara realized this was what her mother was like before she listened to the voice of evil. Looking at who her mother was really meant to be, and not who she had become, made it easier for Sara to forgive her.

The Truth Revealed

Yes, I am Sara. I am only now revealing the truth of who I am because I could not write my story from the point of view of a victim.

When I had taken all the steps I needed to heal, I went into the counselor's office and told him I was ready to go home. He looked over his notes and said, "Let's see. You have acknowledged that you needed help, you have forgiven your abusers, and you realized they have to take responsibility for what they did to you. One thing we didn't discuss is what happens if your abusers don't acknowledge the role they played in hurting you. In that case, you must walk away from the relationship. Without them accepting responsibility for what they've done, the relationship is toxic to your continued progress."

He shook his head. "Many children will feel as though they owe it to their parents to take the blame or feel guilty for what happened to them." He went back to his notes and said, "I've noted that we have discussed this issue, and I'm convinced that this is not a problem for you." He stood up and said, "I believe you are ready to go home, and I want to wish you the best."

As I was getting ready to leave the office, he remarked, "You are one of the most emotionally abused patients that we have treated here. I'm glad you ended up being such a success story." He gave me a hug, and as I was walking out, he called to me and said, "I'm curious. My notes said you were seven when you experienced the trauma of being raped. How did you know your age?"

I turned and said, "I remember what house I lived in and how old I was when we moved. I remember going down the street to play with the girl who wasn't there."

Where I was and where I lived are memories that will be etched in my mind and memory forever.

I wanted to write my story because I realized there are many Saras out there who are in pain and need help. Another concern is that the cycle of abuse often continues throughout generations. Mothers pass it on to their children, who then pass it on to their children. In this way, hundreds of lives can be affected in negative ways.

Even though I had gone through the necessary steps to be healed, there was still something missing in my life. It was true I wasn't depressed, but I didn't have joy like my grandma did. I thought, "How is she is so full of joy all the time when she's had just a hard life? She lost her husband, and then one of her children died at two. On top of that, she barely has enough money to live on."

When I was young, I asked my grandma if there really was gold at the end of the rainbow. I was excited and wanted to know if it was true.

My grandmother said, "There is a treasure much more valuable than gold. It is a message from God. It simply says, 'Believe.' When you believe in God, you know everything He says is true."

My grandmother knew the secret to life. She didn't just believe in God; she showed God's love by being kind, forgiving, and caring. She was the perfect example.

I have a poem that my daughter wrote hanging on my wall. As I recalled the memory of my grandmother, I looked at the poem. It is entitled, "Because of You."

Because of You

I am free because you were a captive before me.

I can love because you forgave those who betrayed you. I am healthy because you took the disease upon yourself. I am happy because you absorbed the pain.

I am safe because you were scarred.

You went before me and cleared my path.

I am forever grateful to you for the life you gave me at such a cost to your own.

You were a seed that was never planted, never watered, never saw the rays of sunshine, yet your roots found soil and miraculously grew and blossomed and became the most beautiful flower in the garden.

In the first part of my daughter's poem she writes that she is free. She writes that she is happy, she is safe, she is healthy, and she is able to love.

My grandma didn't just say she loved me; she gave of herself when she spent time peeling the apples and stirring the mush. As she peeled the apples, she endured the pain in her arthritic hands because she found joy in doing it for me.

My grandmother would say, with a twinkle in her eyes, "Joy means J for Jesus, O for others, and Y for yourself."

That was the secret! It was the giving of herself that made me feel loved and gave her life meaning. The best way to describe it is the feeling you get when you are waiting for someone to open a present you've given them.

As I read my daughter's poem, I realize that I didn't just tell her she was loved; I showed her. For instance, when she was performing on stage and looking for me in the audience, she found me there, clapping the loudest.

When we think only of ourselves, it is impossible to give. In giving, what did I get in return? Something money could never buy — the love of my children. It is the law of the universe: when you give to others, joy will always come back to you. If only my mother had been a giver and not a taker, how much different her life would had been.

Before I go any further, I want to clarify the true meaning of giving. There is the physical giving, which we are all familiar with; and the other type, the giving that comes from the heart. Simply put, it's always putting the other person first, and sincerely listening to their problems with concern and empathy.

Satan's Strategy

Satan has a different strategy. He wants the exact opposite: he wants you to be selfish, greedy, and prideful. Avoid the traps of self-gratification that I have listed below, which will rob you of all joy. Not only will they rob you of joy; you will suffer the following consequences:

  1. Power: used selfishly can corrupt

  2. Drugs: destroys lives

  3. Money: that isn't shared becomes a curse

  4. Greed: leads to the feeling of dissatisfaction

  5. Liquor: destroys the mind and body

  6. Jealousy: results in bitterness

  7. Insensitivity: leaves feelings of guilt

  8. Bullying: leaves a feeling of being insecure

The Path to the End of the Rainbow

Everyone walks a unique path in life. When you come to a split in the road, one path will lead to joy — where God will be walking with you every step of the way. The other will lead to misery and despair.

Many people have asked me if I have found joy. The answer is yes — but not without God's help. The first step was recognizing that all the negative thoughts were coming from a place not of God. Once I stopped listening to all the negativity and only listened to the voice of God, it was easy to replace all those destructive thoughts with thoughts of love.

I sometimes think of the time I wanted to close my eyes and never wake up again. Now I thank God daily that He let me see what a beautiful life He had planned for me.

When I finished this manuscript, I gave it to a few critics to read. The consensus was that the story focused too much on the abuse in my life and not enough on how I was able to put the past behind me. They felt I should write page after page describing how I found joy and write about all my positive experiences. In this way, the reader would be assured the story would have a happy ending.

It's true the positive experiences did make me realize that I felt accepted by others, and they did take away the sadness of feeling unloved that I had felt growing up.

My grandma had everything to do with my finding the last part of putting the puzzle together. My question was answered. I found the missing part — it was God!

When the pain came during my healing, the love I had first felt from my grandma I began feeling from God. She had always been my safe place in the middle of great pain and fear. Through her giving and care she was my comfort. As Jesus began to show me who He was, I realized I had first met Him as a child through her.

I realized that knowing the true treasure of life could never come from any worldly pleasure. Rather, it came from a simple observation from my grandmother. Her joy didn't come from eating the apple pie, but from peeling the apples.
About the Author

Jacqueline Hamilton, the author, has written and published four books. The first, entitled _Nathaniel's Gift,_ is a book that address the pain that women suffer when they go through a miscarriage. Her second book, entitled _Deception,_ reveals those who want to destroy our way of life and how they have infiltrated our government. The third book, _The Legacy of Willis Dean Hamilton,_ is about how the "Cottage Cheese Ceiling" was invented. Her last book, _At the End of the Rainbow,_ is for those who have been abused, rejected, raped, bullied, or neglected. It not only gives hope to those who have been abused — it gives a solution to their problems. The solution will not be found in a medical journal. IT IS A MUST-READ.

The author resides in Southern California. She is on the board of The Vine Foundation, an organization that helps women who are financially struggling. She is the parent of six children, and grandmother to 26 grandchildren. The newest addition to her family is Molly, the little poodle.
