

ASHLEY'S DEAL

Tess Mackenzie

Copyright 2013 Tess Mackenzie

Smashwords Edition

Table of Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

About the Author

#

#  Chapter One

Ashley and David were fighting. She was shouting at him, slamming doors, furious. Then she suddenly stopped.

Just stopped, and wondered what she was doing.

"I don't want us to be like this," she said.

David looked at her.

"What?" Ashley said. "You're sick of me? This doesn't work? This is where we decide it is actually too hard, after all?"

"No," David said.

Ashley's mood was brittle, still angry. She wasn't really listening.

"That's how it works, isn't it?" she said. "With difficult relationships. With people like us. At the start we tell each other everything'll be fine and we'll make it, but after a while it gets hard so we just give up."

"Never," David said.

Ashley stopped. "What?"

"I'd never give on you. On us. You give up if you like, but I'm not going to."

"Oh," she said, and stood there for a while. "Really?"

"Not ever."

She looked at him. He was completely serious, and suddenly she wasn't angry any more. She couldn't actually remember what they were fighting about.

"We should stop this then," she said. "Old man."

"Tell me how."

"Fuck me for a start," she said. "Then we can see."

He did. There in the kitchen, where they were standing. A year ago he wouldn't have dreamed of sex anywhere but in the bed, but he was changing. Like she was changing too.

She leaned on the counter, wrapped her arms and legs around him, pressed herself against him as much as she could. She breathed in the smell of him, breathed the air out of his lungs, and held onto him until they were both done.

Then, pulling her clothes back on, she said, "One of these days sex isn't going to be enough to fix us."

"Maybe."

"Should we worry?"

"I don't know. It's working for now."

"Yeah," she said. "Old man." She kissed him and went to have a shower.

*

Ashley was twenty-three and David was fifty-one and there were times when that was almost unbearable.

She loved him. She really, really loved him with all that she had, but there were days when she couldn't see how even that could be enough.

She was too young. In another ten years, the difference in age wouldn't matter. At twenty-three, it meant everything. She was too young, and not ready to settle down, and she had never been completely sure what she wanted from this. It was also hard because to the rest of the world Ashley was a fling, and no matter what she did, or what David meant to her, people wouldn't take their relationship seriously. She got sick of people noticing them, always staring, wherever they went. She got sick of the double-take when someone realized she wasn't having dinner with her father.

She couldn't even be sure if her job was hers, not something he'd arranged, because he was her boss, and they worked at the same law firm, and even there people whispered about her.

Sometimes Ashley felt herself not taking it seriously either, like she was being let astray by the opinions of strangers.

They managed, though. They both worked a lot, and had that in common. More than anything else, what each needed was a partner who didn't mind the other working fourteen-hour days, and Ashley was glad she'd found that so easily. She went with David to his golf and wine tours, and he took her to concerts and wore ear-plugs and thought she hadn't noticed. She was a first-year associate and she knew judges and barristers and partners at major firms. She was twenty-three, and lived in an unaffordable apartment and drove an unaffordable car and her life was good.

And she loved David. More than she'd ever loved anyone else.

Sometimes it was all too much.

*

Ashley cheated on David. She couldn't help herself. She was bored, and feeling trapped by the seriousness of her life. She was twenty-three and was barely ready to sleep with the same person for a month, let alone settle down for the rest of her life.

She was making excuses.

She did a terrible to David. She did it because she was selfish. She knowing it would hurt him, and that it was completely unforgiveable. She did it anyway, and she didn't really know why.

She went to an old boyfriend's house, someone she'd once thought she loved. She stood at Kyle's door and said, "I want you to fuck me."

"I haven't seen you in months," he said.

"So?"

"Yeah," he said. "Come in."

It had been a bad breakup. Kyle had sobbed and threatened and tried to blackmail her. She shouldn't be here, not with Kyle, but part of her wanted his desperation. A dark little part of herself liked how much Kyle had needed her. David didn't need her, not obsessively, not like Kyle had. David didn't need anyone like that.

She was a monster. She did horrible things to people. She'd warned David at the start, and he hadn't believed her.

She lay on Kyle's bed and he fucked her. She didn't move, put her hand over his mouth and pushed him away when he tried to kiss her, just lay there and watched him grunt and moan and got fucked.

She wanted to be there, but she didn't really enjoy it.

Kyle phoned her a week later, and she went back, and let him do it again. Then went home to David and hated herself.

She didn't understand what was wrong with her.

When Kyle phoned a third time, Ashley said no, never again, and don't try and contact her. He cried again, and begged again, and she told him to stay of her life.

*

The problem with keeping secrets around good trial lawyers was that good trial lawyers knew when you were lying.

Ashley was often a second chair for Mary, who was tough and cold and ruthless, and in a complicated way a friend. Mary knew Ashley, and knew David, and was one of the few female partners who didn't look down on Ashley for sleeping where she did.

Mary walked into Ashley's office one afternoon, and closed the door, and said, "Who is he?"

Ashley looked up. "Who's what?"

Mary didn't answer. Suddenly Ashley understood. This wasn't about work.

Ashley knew her face was calm. She spent as much time as anyone else at the firm staying expressionless in the middle of a crisis.

"David thinks you're sleeping with someone else," Mary said.

"I'm not," Ashley said.

"You've got a game face on," Mary said. "You're lying."

Mary spent her life waiting for CEOs to blink and confess their secrets. She was hard to lie to, but Ashley had to try, anyway.

"I'm not," Ashley said. "I don't know what you're taking about."

"You do."

"I don't."

Mary shrugged. "Fine," she said. "If you want to talk, you let me know, okay?"

"I don't know what you mean," Ashley said, and sat there without moving until Mary left.

*

Ashley worried all night, waiting for David to say something. She didn't sleep, and was irritable the next day, and couldn't work out what mistake she'd made. David seemed normal, as if nothing had changed. Except he was sending Mary to question Ashley.

Two days later, in Mary's office, Ashley said suddenly, "You were right, the other day."

"I know."

"I was sleeping with someone else."

"Of course you were."

"Does David know?"

"He wondered. He asked me if I'd noticed anything. I said I thought you'd changed. That you seemed happier."

"Happier?" Ashley said.

"Relieved." Mary said. "As if you'd made a decision. He thought so too."

Ashley nodded.

Mary was Ashley's boss, but the whole situation at work was odd. Talking about an affair with her supervising partner wasn't the strangest thing Ashley had ever done. The firm's partners came to her house, and she saw them drunk, and she knew their spouses. She'd given a judge chewing gum after she vomited in their toilet once, and had a drunk barrister with marriage problems cry on her shoulder. Mary was Ashley's boss, but a friend in a way too, and dealing with complications like this was the smallest of the problems she had being with David.

Ashley wasn't even certain that Mary would tell David. Mary played hard. She'd had to, to get where she was. The profession was rough, especially at a firm like this. Ashley had seen far too much of the nasty side of firm politics since she'd been with David. She avoided it, but knew how it worked. She knew Mary was as likely to keep this quiet, and hold it over Ashley, as she was to tell David. It wasn't dishonest, not really, and Ashley didn't resent it. It was just how everyone was.

"It's over?" Mary said. "Completely over?"

Ashley nodded.

"You're not leaving David? You're going to stay with him?"

"I was always going to stay," Ashley said.

Mary seemed to be thinking. "David's been a friend for longer than you've been alive," she said.

"I know. Are you going to tell him?"

Silence for a moment.

"Perhaps," Mary said. "It depends what you say now."

"Yeah," Ashley said. "I thought it might."

"I'd have second thoughts too," Mary said. "If I was your age. With someone his age."

"I'm not having second thoughts."

"You're having something."

"I was having something, but I'm not any more, and it wasn't second thoughts."

"Did you care about the other man?"

"Not at all," Ashley said.

"You love David?"

"Always. Completely."

"So why? Just sex?"

"Not even that. Just because."

"So there's no problem," Mary said. "End it..."

"I have."

"...And don't again."

"I'm not going to."

Mary looked at Ashley for a while. Ashley wanted to tell her to stop.

"You will," Mary said. "Once someone does, they always do again."

Ashley wasn't sure if she should be offended.

"I started off in divorce law," Mary said. "Believe me. You will again. You know you can now. You know the possibility's there. You know you're smart enough to get away with it, and there's something inside you, some nasty thing, that means you want to do it."

Ashley had no idea what to say.

"You'll want to again," Mary said. "Eventually. So don't."

Ashley nodded.

"And don't tell him," Mary said. "I'm not going to, and you shouldn't either."

"All right," Ashley said. "Thank you."

"You'll feel like you want to, but ignore that. Let him keep pretending everything's fine."

Ashley nodded slowly, not completely sure.

"Trust me," Mary said. "Let this go. Pretend it didn't happen, and in a month you won't even think about it. But tell David, and in thirty years he'll still be looking at you suspiciously."

"I know," Ashley said. "Yes. I will. Can we stop now?"

Mary smiled, and held out a file, and said, "I'm just trying to help."

*

"Have you been sleeping with someone else?" David said.

Ashley stopped where she was. It was out the blue, as she got home. She had just closed the door, and come down the hall. David was on the sofa.

She looked at him, and decided that no matter what else, she wasn't going to lie, not directly.

She loved him. She was a monster, and had done a terrible thing, but she loved him and she wasn't going to lie.

She went over and sat down. "I'm sorry."

"Who?"

"You don't know him."

"Just one?"

She nodded.

"Once?"

"A couple of times."

"Are you still?"

She shook her head. "I don't know what was wrong with me."

He looked at her.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I really am. I was fucked up and confused and everything with us just overwhelms me sometimes."

He was angry, but he never showed his anger. He got up, and left the room, and she let him go. She wondered if she should start packing now. It was her home too, but she was the newcomer. She should just go, if he wanted her to. If this ended them.

She sat there for a moment, then decided she cared enough to try. She had to try.

She followed him, and found him in the bedroom, sitting on the bed.

"I never promised you I wouldn't sleep with anyone else," she said from the doorway. "I said that, right at the beginning."

"At the beginning," he said. "Yeah."

"I never took it back. I never said it had changed."

"I know, Ash," he said. "This is all my fault. I just assumed it had."

"That isn't what I mean."

"I know."

"I'm fucking twenty-three," she said. "I'm not ready for this. For all this."

He looked at her, thinking. "Can you promise me that now? That there won't be anyone else?"

She stood there for a while. "I don't know."

"For god's sake, Ashley..."

"You don't want me to lie, right? I've never lied to you and I never will."

"Except this."

"I didn't lie," Ashley said. "I didn't tell you where I was, but I never lied. I was careful about that. I didn't say I was somewhere I wasn't, or with someone I wasn't."

"And if I'd asked?"

"I don't know. I think I'd have been honest. Like I was just now."

"Even if I'd only asked how your day had been?"

She shrugged, not sure what he meant.

"If I'd asked something casual," he said. "How was your day? You'd have said great, you had some sex with someone else?"

Ashley looked at him for a while, then said, "No."

A long silence. Ashley felt like her heart was going to break. She went over and sat on the bed too.

"I don't know if I can be with you like this," David said. "If you might do this again."

"Yeah," Ashley said. "That's fair enough."

"You can't try?"

"I'll try. Of course I'll try. But I'm being completely honest. You need a promise, right? Like one I'll never break, no matter what."

He nodded.

"I'm twenty-three. I can't make a promise like that, not that'll be there for years and years."

"Yeah," he said. "I do understand."

She looked at him, wondering if that was true.

"I do," he said. "I expected this, when we started."

"You didn't trust me?"

"I trusted you. I trust you now. I just expected something like this."

"I didn't lie," Ashley said.

"I know."

Another silence. David still seemed too calm. After a while Ashley took his hand. "Can we think about this?" she said. "Try and think how to make us work?"

"We know how to make us work. Don't sleep with other people."

"I'm not going to promise you something I don't know I can keep. I can't do that."

He nodded.

"I don't want to lose you," Ashley said.

"Or I you."

"You'll have to throw me out," Ashley said. "If you want me to go. I won't leave on my own. Not ever."

"I couldn't," David said.

Ashley looked at him, hopeful. "That's good, right? If you won't and I won't, then we should be okay. We're stuck with each other."

"No," he said. "Eventually you'll change your mind. You'll leave because staying hurts too much."

She didn't know what to say. He didn't seem angry, just sad. So painfully sad he was calm, was logical, just thinking out loud and not even trying to hurt her.

"I'll hate myself for stifling you," David said. "And you'll hate yourself for hurting me, and in the end it will all be too much. You'll go because I won't."

"No," Ashley said.

"You will because that way it hurts us both less, in the end. Not because you want to."

"I promise..." Ashley said, then stopped. She didn't know what she was promising. "I promise I'll try as long as I can," she said, which wasn't what she had been going to say at first.

"I know you will," David said.

"We'll be okay. I want us to be okay."

"We won't be," he said. "We won't even hate each other at end, probably. Or be angry. We'll just realize it hurts less to be apart."

Ashley wanted to cry. She wanted to hold him, and say she was sorry again and again, and cry. She stayed where she was, silently, mainly to punish herself. Stayed there with him, and his terribly hurt, grave mood, knowing she had caused it, and hurting too.

Later she went and made dinner, because that seemed useful.

Later still, when she undressed for bed, he looked at her a little sadly, as though her being naked was reminding him of what he'd lost. Which didn't make sense, because he hadn't lost anything, but she understood what he felt. She tried to hold him as they lay in the darkness together, but he kept rolling over, shifting away, until she gave up.

He'd never tried to avoid her in bed before.

*

Ashley didn't sleep well. She didn't think David had either. She woke five or six times, and each time his breathing was wrong, his body too stiff. He was awake too.

She would have tried to talk again, but she didn't know what she could say.

The next morning, as they ate breakfast, David said, "It's the idea of it, isn't it? Making this promise. It isn't that you particularly want to. It's that you don't want to promise you never will again."

"I think so."

"Everyone thinks that at one time or another."

"Oh," Ashley said. She hadn't actually realized. "What do other people do?"

David shrugged. "Lie, usually. Say they never will again, when they aren't sure they mean it."

"I don't want to," she said. "I don't want us to be like that."

He looked at her.

"We've got this far," Ashley said. "By being honest. Even now, with this."

"I suppose so."

"You trust me, don't you?" she said. "That I won't lie to you. No matter what else."

After a while he said, "Yes."

"So that's good. We should keep that."

"I want to keep that."

Ashley smiled, and wanted to cry. "And us?" she said.

"Of course I want to keep us."

"Me too," Ashley said. "Of fuck, me too. I wasn't sure you'd changed your mind."

He shook his head, and squeezed her hand, and then she did sniff, a few times.

"So what do we do?" David said.

"I don't know. But we need to do something."

"You could just not," he said. "Not do it, ever."

"I can't promise that," she said. "I can't. Not if I'm not going to lie to you."

They sat there for a while.

"It's no-one particular," he said. "Right? Just the idea that you could, if you wanted to."

She nodded. "I suppose."

"So if there were rules. If I said it was okay, but never anyone from work, or only ever on holiday?"

"You'd do that?"

"I'm asking if you would."

"Not if you weren't okay with it."

"But if I was. And if there were rules. Would you stick to them?"

"Yes," she said. "Of course I would. If that was what we'd agreed."

"You'd stick to it absolutely? No matter what the circumstances, no matter how much you liked someone particular you couldn't have?"

Ashley thought. "Yeah," she said. "If there was some other thing out there, some other place or person I could wait for, then yes I would. I'd wait for that. Is this what you want to do?"

"Let me think it through," he said. "Just let me talk this out."

They were lawyers, Ashley thought. They were both lawyers, and they solved problems all day, and this was really just a very complicated problem that mattered a lot to them.

"Okay," she said. "Of course. So what, I go away every year on my own and get it out my system?"

"I'd hope not every year."

"But sometimes? And that would be okay?"

"Let me think about it."

She nodded slowly.

She stayed quiet for a while, but he didn't say anything else.

"I'd tell you," she said. "Or not. Whatever you wanted me to do. Tell you first, or not tell you ever. If you were willing to do this for me."

"Yeah," he said. "I think I'd want you to tell me."

"It wouldn't hurt you?"

He shrugged.

"Could you cope with that? Me going away, and I'm utterly yours the rest of the time?"

"Let me think about it," he said. "All right. Let me think this over."

She nodded, and put her plate in the sink, and went to get ready for work.

*

Life seemed to go back to normal, but Ashley wasn't sure it had. She worked, and David worked, and they came home, and talked for an hour and went to sleep. Their lives were busy, and they didn't have much time outside their jobs. David didn't mention anything more about his idea, or about her affair, and they didn't have sex either, but she hadn't expected they would, not so quickly. He didn't ask her to leave, and that was all she needed for now.

Occasionally Ashley wondered how David had found out. Whether he'd just decided to ask on his own, or if Mary had said something, but she decided she didn't want to know. She spent enough of her life around lies and half-truths that she didn't want more.

Everything was out in the open now. It needed fixing, and she was deeply sorry, but it was in the open and would get resolved, in time, and that was what mattered.

She thought she understood why David had suggested his odd arrangement. It meant he wouldn't be surprised. Cheating hurt, but the surprise was worse. The surprise made you powerless. Ashley hated to feel powerless, and she thought David did too. She understood why David would go this far to make sure it didn't happen again.

Two nights later, David came home and said, "Have you ever been with another woman?"

"Not really," Ashley said. "Why?"

"Have you?"

"Maybe."

"That's not an answer."

"Sort of. Why?"

"To fix this. To solve this problem."

"What, a free run at chicks, if I leave guys alone?"

"Essentially."

Ashley sat there. She was on the sofa, had been reading papers for tomorrow. She leaned forward, pushed the files onto the coffee table.

"Any woman?" she said. "And that would be okay?"

He nodded.

"I think I'm okay with that," Ashley said.

"Oh," David said, and seemed surprised.

"What," she said. "It's a pretty good way around it all, isn't it? It's practical."

"And you are actually attracted to women?"

"We'll see. But if that's what I get, it's what I get."

He kept looking at her.

"I've thought I might be before," she said. "I've never checked. But that isn't the point, really, is it."

"Isn't it?"

"It's not like I want anyone else particular," she said. Not definitely. I just want a possibility. As far as we've worked this out. So this way, the possibility's there. It doesn't matter if I actually do it."

"And you'll stick to it? You won't change your mind and decide you don't like women after all, so you'll do the same thing but with a man?"

"I don't think so."

"Because it seems like this is starting something. That agreeing to a little makes everything else all right. So you could tell yourself that if a woman is fine, then a man would be too. And then we're back where we started."

"No," Ashley said. "It isn't like that."

"You're sure? You completely understand that?"

"Yeah," she said. "Actually I do."

He looked at her, and seemed to be thinking.

"Are you sure you're okay with it," Ashley said.

"I think I am."

"You shouldn't be."

"I know, but I am."

Ashley wanted to ask why, but she didn't want to push him. She didn't want talk him out of this by questioning his judgment. It wasn't like she was going to go out and do this tomorrow, anyway. She might lose interest. She might never do this. They were planning for years from now, and she could ask David why when the time came.

All she wanted to do right now was fix them.

"Not sure?" David said.

"Nah," she said. "Just thinking. It all comes down to whether I want to sleep with women, doesn't it."

"Do you?"

"Maybe. I'll find out." She looked at him for a moment. "So if we agree on this, we'll be better? We agree I fucked up, really badly, and you forgive me, and I'll never do it again. I'll never not tell you again."

"Of course."

"So you'll stop looking at me sadly and be happy like you used to?"

Silence.

"Will you?" she said.

"Yeah."

"You'll forgive me?"

"I already have."

"And be happy?"

"I will."

"I don't think I can't agree to the same thing back," Ashley said. "I don't think I'm okay with you and another guy."

"That's fine."

"Or any other deal. No other women for you."

"I know. But it's you we need to fit this around. You're enough for me."

"That doesn't seem fair. All this, because I won't make promises to you. When you have to me."

He shrugged.

"Because I might want a fling," she said.

"You're my fling. I already had it. You're it, and I'm done, and I'm grateful I can try and keep you forever. Now we just need to manage your fling, and get past it too."

Ashley understood, but it still didn't seem right. "It isn't fair," she said. "I'm asking much more of you than you are of me."

"I'm done. I really am. There won't be anyone for me after you."

"What do you mean?"

"We haven't talked about this," David said, "But we should."

"So don't," she said, suddenly realizing what he was about to say.

"I'm probably going to die before you."

"I said don't..."

"It's true."

"But don't talk about it. Even now."

"I need to talk about it now. I'm twenty-seven years older than you, so I'll probably die before you."

"David, for fuck's sake..."

"So if you think of it as an investment of time and effort and love, you're getting the bad deal. You put the same effort in, but you get fewer years back."

"Stop it," she said. "I don't think about it like that."

"Because you aren't that calculating. So I will. Here's another thing. If we stay together, from here on in, we're ahead of everyone else who got to this point and separated."

"I thought we were staying together."

"We are. This is just talking. Every day we have from now on is extra. Other people would have stopped here, and we aren't going to, so we're both ahead. Both of us, not one of us giving the other more."

"Stop," she said. "I hate this."

"I'm not unhappy," David said. "I don't think this is a bad arrangement. Don't feel like I do."

"Okay."

"Now I've stopped."

Ashley sat there. "Don't talk about dying again," she said. "Okay?"

"All right."

"I really fucking love you," she said. "You know that, right? Like no-one I ever met before, and probably like I never will again. You're it. You're the one. And I'm an idiot and a selfish bitch, and you deserve better than me."

"You're not and I don't."

She shrugged.

"I love you too Ashley, I do."

"And this thing," she said. "I'll do my best. I'll do my utmost. I promise I'll try. And I promise that if I realize I'm about to fuck up again, I'll tell you. So you know the rules are changing. So you can decide if I'm still worth it, and what we do. Is that enough?"

He nodded.

"You can trust me," Ashley said. "If I make this promise, if I make any promise, I'll keep it."

"I know."

"I never said I wouldn't sleep with other people," she said. "You assumed, and it was reasonable to assume, but I never said it."

"I understand."

"All I did was not tell you when I should have, and that's not as bad."

"It's not."

"Okay," she said. "So we're going to do this? Make it like a rule?"

"If you want to. If you can stick to it."

"I can. Absolutely I can. Can you?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

"Then I'm promising you now. I won't sleep with any other men, ever again. No matter what."

He kissed her gently, said, "Thank you."

That was enough.

She sat there for a while, and hugged him, and pressed her face into his shoulder. It was right. They fit. They might make odd deals, but the were a good couple.

After a while she said, "Want to come to a strip club with me?"

He looked at her.

"Come on," she said. "If I'm going to sleep with chicks, I'd better make sure I actually like them."

He didn't answer.

"I'm serious," Ashley said. "It's weird and a bit creepy, but I think I'd like you to."

After a while, he grinned. "All right."

# Chapter Two

Two years passed, and Ashley didn't sleep with anyone else.

She was busy with work. She had a full life. She had her deal, and that meant she didn't need to prove anything to herself, and she suspected sometimes that was what David intended all along. That the deal was an outlet, like a safety valve that would never actually be used.

She did look at women sometimes, and wonder, but she never did anything. She never met the right person, the one she wanted enough to make confronting the consequences worthwhile. Because there might be consequences, even now. She wasn't sure David would react as calmly as he thought he would, if she ever put him to the test.

When she did think about their deal, she didn't know what to think. Sometimes it made her seem selfish, and quite a horrible person. Someone who wanted her own way even if it hurt other people. Sometimes she thought it was a good thing. That she and David were both pragmatic, and this was a sensible solution to a problem that could have wrecked them, but instead had made their relationship stronger. She didn't know what to think, so usually she didn't think about it at all. They were still together, and she didn't think many other couples like them still would be, and that made it worthwhile.

Two years passed, and then Ashley was in a car accident, and suddenly everything was different.

*

Ashley was in her car, driving to work, and there was a truck in the lane next to her. She had been watching the truck because it was wobbling a bit, not staying on its side of the white line. It was rusty and dented, and had chipped paint, like it had hit a lot of things before. She could see the driver, up in the cab. He was on the phone, and seemed to be looking down at something inside the truck. He wasn't watching the road.

Ashley stopped for a red light, and the truck didn't.

Ashley had no time to think what to do.

She stopped, and the truck kept going. It hit a car coming the other way, spun that car into Ashley's, and braked then, far too late. Ashley noticed the brake lights come on just as she felt the thud of the other car hitting hers. She didn't hear anything, which was odd, just silence. She spun around, spun sideways, and wondered what was going to happen now.

She was calm. She was faintly surprised. She looked straight ahead, out her windscreen, and into the other car. There was a woman there looking back at her. A woman with short messy hair, short polished nails, and lots and lots of dark eye makeup. Stunning eyes. Eyes you noticed, even from the next car over, during an accident.

It was an odd thing to notice, Ashley thought, someone else's makeup and eyes, since they might both be about to die.

The woman in the other car was looking at Ashley too. She saw Ashley looking, and smiled. She seemed as surprised as Ashley was, as unhurt as Ashley was. She raised one hand in a slight wave.

They must both be in shock, Ashley decided. They were grinning at each other and waving as their cars spun around and around.

They spun several times, and Ashley stopped with a sudden crunch. That hurt, although the rest hadn't. She had hit a traffic light pole. She saw it coming towards her slowly, like it was slow motion, saw the door beside her elbow bulging inwards, saw the plastic lining buckle and crack. The window starred, then shattered into diamond flecks. The windscreen shattered too.

The airbags in her car went off and hid the view of the other car. She was still quite calm. She didn't think she'd made a sound through the whole thing.

Once her car had stopped moving, Ashley looked down and herself and decided she wasn't hurt. Her neck was sore, and one arm was too, where it had hit against the door.

She climbed out her car. The other car was twisted into hers, and the traffic light poles too. There were a little cluster of poles, holding lights facing different ways. Ashley had hit one, and the other car another. It looked pretty bad. The metal of both cars was crumpled like little balls of paper, their airbags out and windows gone.

Ashley was suddenly worried. She might have been lucky, and the other driver not. She took a step towards the other car, and then the door opened and the woman stepped out.

She didn't seem hurt either.

They looked at each other.

"Shit," Ashley said. "That was fun."

The woman grinned. "Are you okay?"

"I think so. But fuck."

The woman smiled. "Hold on." She got out a phone, dialed, said police, then that there'd been an accident, she didn't think anyone was badly hurt, but they'd need tow trucks and there was glass and shit all over the road.

Ashley was staring at her while she talked. At her eyes.

"Hey," the woman said. "What's up. Are you okay?"

"I'm okay."

"You look a bit odd. You're staring."

"You're beautiful," Ashley said. "You're fucking gorgeous."

"Ah, what?"

"Don't do that, you fucking are," Ashley said.

The other woman seemed to think about that. After a moment she held out her hand. "I'm Rose."

"Ashley."

They shook, and Ashley didn't want to let go. Rose tried to pull her hand free, and Ashley held on.

"I want you," Ashley said.

"You're hitting on me?" Rose said. "Now?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"It kind of seems like it."

Ashley just stood there. She didn't know why she was acting like this. It wasn't like her, but she'd just had a shock, so perhaps that was why. She thought a little more. She did actually want Rose. She didn't know why, and she'd never thought it would actually come to this, but right now she wanted Rose.

She was wet. It was odd, and slightly icky, but she'd got wet touching Rose. Maybe it was the accident. Maybe it was the shock, and worrying she might die.

She wanted Rose, and she didn't even really know how she'd do anything about that.

She was still standing there, staring. Just assuming Rose would want her back.

She stopped and thought and realized how unlikely that probably was.

"Sorry," Ashley said. "I didn't mean..."

Rose shrugged.

"Sorry," Ashley said.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Rose said. "You might have hit your head."

"I'm fine."

"No, I mean," Rose pointed to Ashley's face. "You have hit your head. You've got blood on you."

Ashley lifted a hand, and touched her forehead. It felt wet. She rubbed two fingers together, looked down, saw blood. She could taste it in her mouth, too, now she thought about it. Her bag was still in her car, so she used the cuff of her shirt to dab at her cheek.

"Sit down," Rose said.

After a moment, Ashley did. Rose held her arm, helped her down. She sat beside her car, and leaned on the door.

The truck driver came running up. "Are you okay..."

"Fuck off mate," Rose said, without looking away from Ashley.

"I just..."

"Fuck off. Go stand over there."

"I..."

"Go."

"You don't need to be a cunt," the driver said.

Rose turned around, and walked over to him. She said something quietly, something soft and vicious that made the driver walk away, looking ill.

She came back and knelt beside Ashley.

"What did you say?" Ashley said.

"Nah, nothing much. Told him he shouldn't be talking to us, that he'll have to deal with the police and insurance people and any contact now makes him look bad."

"He was just checking we were okay."

"Yeah, I know," Rose said, "But he almost killed us both, and I'm so angry I could fucking smack him into the head or something. He was on the phone as he came through the light. I don't think he even saw me."

Ashley realized Rose was a bit pale too, that one of her hands was shaking. "Maybe you should sit down too."

"I'm okay," Rose said, then changed her mind and did.

She sat next to Ashley, and leaned on Ashley's car too.

Ashley took her hand, and held it. Rose let her, squeezed for a moment.

"I meant what I said," Ashley said.

"Good."

"I think I meant what I said."

Rose looked at her and grinned.

Ashley knew she was behaving oddly, and she wasn't sure why. She had a crush, or she'd had a scare, or something.

Perhaps she wanted to make use of the deal before she died, and had suddenly realized that dying could happen any time.

Perhaps she just wanted Rose and her eyes.

Ashley looked around. Cars were stopping It was a main road, two lanes, no houses nearby, just high fences. The truck driver was standing a little way away, watching. He was in the middle of the road, and didn't seem to know what to do. He was still holding his phone in one hand, but he didn't seem to have actually used it to get help. Ashley could smell tar and car exhaust and could hear a bird. She could hear people talking, but it all seemed far away.

She looked around. A few people were watching her, but didn't seem to be doing anything. Sitting in their cars, or standing beside open doors.

Ashley didn't know what to do either. She watched the sky instead. It was blue. It was a warm day. There were a few clouds.

She heard sirens, getting closer. A police car stopped, and started organizing people.

"I'll go talk to them," Rose said, and stood up.

There was another siren in the distance. Ashley felt tired. She felt relieved for some reason, now the police were here. Someone would be in charge and organize things. She closed her eyes. She could remember how calm Rose had seemed through the windscreen. How calm she had felt. She missed that serene moment, just sitting there spinning around. Life seemed more complicated now. Her face hurt, and her arm hurt, and she wasn't sure why she was behaving so strangely.

After a while she heard a radio nearby, and someone was touching her shoulder, asking if she was all right. A man, asking her name. She told him. She looked up, straight ahead, and saw another police officer talking to the truck driver.

"It was his fault," Ashley said. "The truck's. Don't believe him."

"It's okay," the nearer cop said. "We can worry about that later."

An ambulance arrived, and they made Ashley move, and sit in the back. The paramedics shone torches in her eyes and asked if she was okay. They seemed to be worried about concussion. Ashley said she hadn't hit her head, and the ambulance people said that didn't matter, she had an injury to her face, and besides, she might not remember hitting her head. They said it like they had arguments like this with pretty much everyone they talked to.

They wanted to take her to hospital, but Ashley said no, she was fine, just get her a taxi and she'd go to work.

They weren't sure, but she insisted. She said she'd just got glass or something on her face and it had stopped bleeding.

A tow-truck turned up and someone came and asked if she wanted her car taken away. She said yes, take it. She went and got her bag, and some papers she needed for a meeting, and her suit jacket. She couldn't think of anything else she needed urgently. The tow truck driver gave her a piece of paper saying where the car was going.

A taxi turned up, and stopped across the other side of the road, away from the broken glass.

Rose was still with the police, talking. She seemed to have everything under control.

Ashley went over and said, "Hey, I have a meeting. I need to go."

One of the cops said that was okay, they'd just need her name. Ashley gave them her card, gave one to Rose too and said, "Phone me, okay?"

Rose said she would.

"Do," Ashley said. "Seriously," and Rose nodded.

Ashley wanted to say something more. That she meant what she'd said, that she didn't know how they'd fuck but she wanted to try, something to make sure Rose understood what Ashley was offering.

She wanted to tell her that, but she didn't say a word. There were cops nearby, listening, and a paramedic too.

"Please do," Ashley said, and went and got in the taxi.

*

Ashley went to work. She had blood on her sleeve and a cut on her face, and got a bit of attention. She sent Mia, her assistant out for a new shirt, because she'd already worn the spares she had in her office. She sat down at her desk for a moment, then decided she'd better go and see David before someone told him she'd been in a car wreck and he panicked.

She went to her door, and heard David coming. He got loud when he was worried. He was arguing with his PA, arguing with anyone who got in his way, with the whole world. She loved him. She really loved him. He hugged her and kissed her then suddenly looked horrified and moved back and asked if she was okay. She was. Her ribs were bruised from the seatbelt, and she'd thumped her knee on the dashboard so it hurt to walk, but that was all.

David seemed worried. He asked if she wanted the day off, if she needed to sit down. She said no, she had a meeting at eleven, that she'd be fine.

He understood that. That was their thing, both cared more about careers than anything else.

He stayed with her for ten minutes while his PA hovered at the door, saying he had a conference call, then kissed her and said he'd see her tonight and went back up to his office.

Ashley sat at her desk and thought about what she'd said to Rose. That Ashley wanted her, that Rose was hot.

Maybe she had concussion, or maybe she'd just had a fright. Or maybe she'd had a fright and that was enough to make her say something that was actually true.

She'd never said anything like that to anyone before, not even to a man. She'd never been so direct. Perhaps that meant something.

Or perhaps it was just a bang on the head.

*

Life went back to normal. Ashley untangled her insurance, and got a new car, and the police came and took a statement. She worked, and the cut on her face healed, and she thought about Rose almost every day.

Thought about Rose, and about the deal with David, and masturbated twice in the shower imagining what sex with Rose might be like.

She regretted not having found out who Rose was. Not getting a card of her own.

She touched herself, and had little daydreams in meetings, and tried to work out exactly how she could tell David she did want to use their deal after all.

And for three weeks she didn't hear from Rose.

She had almost decided Rose wasn't going to call, that Ashley had been too weird, or too pushy, or Rose just wasn't interested, because probably most people weren't, when Rose phoned.

She said it was Rose from the car crash, that Ashley had given her a card, and Ashley almost dropped the phone, and her mouth went dry, and she didn't know what to say.

"I did," Ashley said in the end. She looked at the wall in front of her and thought about green eyes, and felt like she was about to start an affair.

"I just wondered how you were. If you were okay?"

"I'm fine. You?"

"Oh yeah, fine."

Silence for a moment.

"Hey, um," Rose said. "This is a bit weird, but I know someone who's having a party, open bar and shit. I wondered if you wanted to go."

Ashley didn't know what to say.

"Yeah," Rose said, after a moment. "Sorry. Look, I must have misunderstood..."

"No," Ashley said. "Not at all. Just... shit, when is it? I need to check my book."

"Your book?"

"My dairy. Just give me a sec."

She threw a pencil at the window between her and Mia. She knew it pissed Mia off whenever she did it, but needed her straight away.

Mia opened the door looking annoyed.

"My book," Ashley said to Mia, and, "When is it?" into the phone.

"Saturday."

Mia was mucking around, was still not back.

Fuck it, Ashley thought. "Yeah, I'd love to."

"You're free?"

She had no idea, because she couldn't see her diary. One huge advantage to her and David both working in the same building was Mia and his David's PA could put all their weekend social crap into both their diaries together. Probably Ashley was free, and if she wasn't, it would probably just be one of David's partner things, so she could slip out if she needed to.

"I'm good. Where is it?"

Rose told her, said she'd be there by nine, and that she'd find Ashley there.

Ashley wanted to tell her she'd meant what she said at the accident, but Rose was gone before she could.

*

Ashley had a dinner with some of David's friends the night of Rose's party. She looked at the name and was pretty sure it was one of David's law school friends, now at one of the other big firms. She could leave early.

A lot of David's friends still weren't completely comfortable around Ashley, even after all this time. No-one ever called her a trophy or talked down to her, but there was something there, a distance.

Since she'd been with David, she didn't really have friends. She worked a lot, enough that she lost touch with college people and should have been becoming close to her new colleagues. She couldn't, because they all knew who she was living with, and in their heads she could whisper a name in bed at night and have them fired. For her part, she could never forget they might be using her, pretending to like her so they could get a line to the partners. It made her life lonely. No-one asked her to do anything after work, or went to lunch with her, and especially no-one flirted with her while they made coffee.

She worked harder instead.

Ashley had Mia talk to David's PA and see if they could move the dinner a little earlier, and when she next checked, later that afternoon, the time had changed.

"Hey," she said to David that night. "I'm going to a party after dinner on Saturday."

"Us or you?" he said.

"I thought me. It's the woman from the car crash. Someone's having a party, she thought I might want to go. Its probably not your kind of thing."

He nodded because it was true.

"Have fun," he said. Then he stopped and looked at her for a while. "This woman?" he said. "Is it going to be this woman?"

Ashley hesitated. "Maybe," she said. "I don't know."

"Oh," he said. "Finally."

"Is that okay?"

"I think it is."

"You didn't expect this?"

"Not really, no."

"I'll just see. I'll find out."

"Of course," he said, and kissed her.

She looked at him for a while and wondered if she should ask if he was sure. She wondered if he was still sure, if he still wanted her to do this.

She didn't think he'd tell her if he'd changed his mind. David stuck to his deals. Even if he hated the thought of it now, he wouldn't ask her to stop.

She wasn't sure if she was taking advantage of him by not checking.

She looked at him, watching him read, and was fairly sure he didn't care. He didn't seem to be hiding anything, didn't seem worried.

She wasn't sure how she felt, going off to meet a woman perhaps to have sex, but David didn't care, so Ashley decided she shouldn't, either.

*

Ashley wasn't sure what to wear to Rose's party, but she had to overdress for David's friends. Being with David made everything complicated. If she didn't look classy and older, she looked like a trophy, and that would stay with her forever. She might need to ask any of these people for a job one day, or to negotiate with them for a client tomorrow.

At nine she stood up and excused herself and said it was nice to see everyone again.

David went with her to the door, and said quietly, "I love you. A lot."

"Me too," she said. "And thank you. For this."

"I hope it goes well," he said. "Whatever it is you want to happen."

"I'm really not sure."

"You'll work it out," he said, and kissed her. "Have fun."

She looked at him and decided he really meant it. "I love you," she said. "I really do."

She put on her coat, asked the waiter to being her another bottle of the red, not to open it, and took it with her, in case it was that kind of party.

*

Ashley had been a student the last time she went to a party that wasn't to do with work, and she still almost expected people passed out in bushes out the front. She'd been a bit worried she wouldn't fit in, or that wine was the wrong thing to bring, but she wanted to see Rose, and went anyway.

There were cars in the street. Some noise, but mostly voices, outside around the back. It wasn't that different to what she was used to. Soft jazz and voices rather than pounding bass and annoyed neighbors.

The front door was open, so she walked in and said to the nearest person that Rose had invited her. No-one seemed to care.

There was a big open room full of people, noisy and crowded and fun. A smallish house, a few rooms closed off and a few too many people in those that were left, a shortage of places to sit so people were on the stairs and the floor and were taking other people's spots when they moved. It was summer, the night was warm, so there were party dresses and lots of bare skin. Ashley was suddenly glad she'd worn what she had.

She edged her way through the crowd, looking for Rose. There was a self-serve bar on the kitchen counter. She left the wine and poured a vodka into a glass. She was nervous, not knowing anyone, and it had been a long time since she walked in a room of strangers like this.

She wondered where to look for Rose. The stairs were crowded, and the rooms inside were packed. She decided try outside, because it was easier to get to, and started wriggling through the crowd.

The deck was big. There was more space out here. A few smokers standing around, and a faint smell of pot too. A couple were making out in the shadows. There was a view of the lights below them, and of other houses through the trees on the scrubby hillside. There was some light from inside, but otherwise it was dim.

Ashley looked around, and found Rose. She was a little surprised it had been that easy. Although maybe Rose had been waiting somewhere she could be easily found.

Rose was wearing jeans and a tee shirt. She was sitting on deck's railing, holding a beer bottle, smoking a cigarette, and talking to the guy next to her. There was quite a high drop behind her, but she didn't seem bothered. She had the same kind of make-up as in the car, all heavy and dark around her eyes, hardly any otherwise.

Ashley was surprised by the cigarette. She hadn't been around anyone who smoked in years.

Ashley went over and said, "Hey."

Rose smiled, and kept smiling for a bit too long. "I didn't know if you'd come."

"I had a dinner thing. But I'm here."

"In your diary?"

Ashley looked at Rose. She wasn't sure what that meant, why it was worth saying, but she supposed not everyone was as ruled by their calendars as lawyers were. "Yeah, in my diary."

Rose grinned. "Nice dress. You look good."

"Thanks. You smoke."

"I do."

Ashley realized they'd been staring at each other, and glanced around for the guy, but he seemed to have wandered off. "I didn't see him go," she said.

"Me neither."

"So yeah," Ashley said. "I'm here."

"You are."

"I'm here and I still mean everything I said the other week."

Rose looked at her, and smiled, and said, "Okay."

Just okay. Not that Ashley had made a mistake. Not that Rose didn't care. That was a good sign, Ashley thought.

Ashley stood in front of Rose and looked at her eyes. Rose didn't seem to mind, just sipped her drink and looked at Ashley and seemed to be thinking.

Ashley still wasn't completely sure why she was here. She wasn't sure what she planned to do with Rose, or how much she wanted from her. She wasn't sure what Rose wanted either, and still had an awful feeling Rose might just be being friendly.

Except Rose had thought Ashley was hitting on her at the accident, and was here anyway, so she couldn't just think it was friendly. Unless she was polite. Ashley had never been hit on by a woman as strongly as she was hitting on Rose, but she'd always liked to think she wouldn't be offended, even if she wasn't interested. Kind and maybe amused, she'd hoped, but not offended.

Exactly like Rose was being right now.

Ashley wasn't sure what she was feeling, but something was there. A spark. Enough Ashley wanted to try. Enough Rose was the one woman in two years Ashley seemed to want to chase.

"You could sit down," Rose said.

Ashley glanced at the drop and shook her head.

"Okay," Rose said. "Or not."

Ashley looked at Rose. At her eyes. She thought about what she'd felt right after the accident, and the things she'd said.

She thought about not being sure she was even here for sex. But that she wanted to be here for sex.

She thought about taking chances, and that she had nothing to lose, and she thought about how she was still thinking about Rose, undecided. Still thinking must mean something. She felt something quite complicated about Rose, and complicated was a small step from needing, and that must mean something too.

She thought about kissing Rose, and realized she wanted to. So, she thought, she might as well get it over with. Try, and see what happened.

All Rose could do was slap her, and say no.

Ashley leaned forward and kissed Rose.

Kissed her as carefully, and slowly, and tenderly as she could. Rose tasted of warmth and smoke and beer, and she put her hand on Ashley's neck, and kissed Ashley back.

Ashley was actually surprised.

Rose opened her mouth, and Ashley did too and then got interested enough she stopped worrying about the details. Rose sat on the edge of a cliff and kissed Ashley and made Ashley wet like she hadn't been from first meeting someone in years.

They kissed for a while. They didn't touch any more than their mouths.

Ashley decided this was a bit public, eventually, and stepped back.

"So there is a thing here," Rose said. "I wasn't sure."

"There's a thing. I think."

"I wasn't sure if you were really hitting on me. Or just concussed."

"I wasn't either. I'm still not."

Rose kept looking at her.

"There's something you should know," Ashley said. "I live with my boyfriend."

Rose waited. Not annoyed, Ashley thought, but waiting. Definitely waiting.

"It's complicated," Ashley said. "But it doesn't make any difference. Not to this."

"It makes a difference."

"He doesn't mind. If it's a girl."

"It still makes a difference," Rose said, and just sat there,

Rose wasn't telling her to go away, and Ashley didn't know what to do next.

She kissed Rose again. It was as hot and breathless and tingly as the first time. Rose put her arm around Ashley, and Ashley stroked the tops of Rose's legs, through her jeans, and felt warmth and hard muscle.

"You have a boyfriend," Rose said. "No bullshit."

"Yep."

"And he really doesn't mind?"

"Nope."

"It's not just that you don't tell him?"

"I tell him."

"I don't think I'd really be into him being there."

"It's not like that."

"Oh."

Ashley kissed her again. To stop her asking so many questions.

"I want you," Ashley said into Rose's mouth, "I really fucking want you."

They stopped kissing again. Rose stopped. Ashley stood there and looked at her and Rose looked around. At the people, at the lights.

"Not sure?" Ashley said. "Because of the boyfriend thing?"

"Pretty sure."

Silence for a moment.

"You okay?" Ashley said.

"Yep."

Rose sat. Ashley looked at her and started feeling nervous. Because this was new, and she didn't actually know how to do this with a woman, and because she might be about to be turned down. To stop herself thinking, she kissed Rose again, put her hands underneath Rose's shirt, scraped her nails lightly up and down Rose's back.

"Wait," Rose said. "Not here."

Ashley looked around. There was a path off the deck, down the side of the house. "Down there?"

Rose nodded.

They went down the path. Carefully, feeling their way. Rose went first, had flat shoes. Ashley took hers off, felt sharp stones underfoot. Then cool grass. It was dark, hard to see.

They stopped where it was darker, and leaned against a wall. They didn't touch. Ashley wasn't sure what was going on here, or what she was meant to do. She hadn't tried to seduce a woman before.

Saying so was probably a good way to start. "You're so fucking hot I want to cry," she said.

Rose grinned. "You talk too much."

More kissing. Rose was more comfortable down here, Ashley thought. Away from her friends, who might be watching. She was touching more, stroking Ashley's arms and hair. Ashley was more comfortable as well, without an audience. She kissed Rose's neck, licked it slowly, made Rose's breath go all uneven and loud in Ashley's ear.

"Wait," Rose said. "Hold on a bit."

Ashley stopped.

"Just slow down a bit, okay," Rose said.

Because of David, Ashley assumed. Rose's reluctance was a little odd. Ashley had thought she was throwing herself at someone, and that was enough. Maybe Rose needed to be talked into it too.

Ashley nodded and moved back a little. Rose got cigarettes out of her pocket, got a lighter. Her hands were trembling just a little bit. She held up a cigarette. "Do you care?"

"Nope. You okay?"

"Yeah. Just..."

"Not expecting that?"

Rose nodded. "I don't know you."

"Do you need to?"

Rose shrugged.

Rose lit the cigarette, and still had shaky hands. "Let's walk somewhere."

They went further down the garden, to a fence. There was a pool behind it, round and landscaped and tiled. They could see over it from up on the slope.

"Want a swim?" Ashley said.

Rose looked at the house they'd come from, at the next door house. "I'm pretty sure that's the neighbors pool."

"Maybe," Ashley said.

"There's a fence."

"You have to have a fence, don't you?"

"It's closer to the house next door."

"So?" Ashley said.

"You want to break in..."

"Not break. Climb the fence."

"That's trespassing."

"Yep. Want to or not?"

Rose grinned, threw the end of the cigarette away. "Sure."

*

There was enough light from the moon and nearby houses to see what they were doing. The fence was high and wide. A wall. It was concrete, difficult to climb.

"Shit," Ashley said, looking upwards. "Got another plan?"

"Not really."

Ashley walked along the wall, peering up at it. Rose followed. They stopped and kissed for a while. Ashley's back against the wall, Rose the one pushing forward now. Rose had strong arms. Ashley was touching them, feeling hard muscle in her shoulders. She moved her hands further. Rose felt fit. She almost had abs. There was muscle under Ashley's hands, not much softness.

"Could you lift me up?" Ashley said.

"Probably."

"I could pull you up."

"Yeah," Rose said. "I think I can get over on my own."

Ashley looked at Rose. "So why not just do that."

"Because you'll still be on the wrong side."

"So lift me up first. Climb and then pull me up."

Rose nodded, and looked up at the fence. Then jumped and pulled herself up. Just lifted, like a chin up, and rolled onto the top of the wall.

Ashley was impressed.

Rose lay along the top and reached back down. "I'll lift."

"You'll lift me?"

"Yep."

Ashley held up her bag. "Hold that."

Rose took it.

"Don't throw it over," Ashley said.

"I'm not stupid."

Ashley reached up and grabbed Rose's hand. Rose pulled, hard, then suddenly let go. "You have to jump a little bit on your own," she said.

"Sorry," Ashley said. "Try again."

Rose heaved and this time Ashley scrambled up enough to pull herself onto the top of the fence.

That was hot, Ashley thought. Rose hauling her up, being strong enough to do so, that turned her on. She didn't know why.

"Okay," she said, "That wasn't so bad."

They sat there, looking over at the water. It was dark and clear and looked cool. The air was warm, just muggy enough the water looked nice.

"Think we can get back out if we jump down?" Ashley said.

Rose grinned. "I can."

"Think we'll get caught?"

They looked up at the house. It was dark, and seemed a little way away.

"Not if we're quiet," Rose said.

Ashley nodded.

"You know this is actually breaking the law, don't you?" Rose said.

"Yep."

"But we're going to?"

"Yep."

Rose slid down, then reached up and said, "Put your foot on my hands if you want."

Ashley threw her bag down, then lowered herself, let Rose grab her foot, and slid down too. Then she looked up. "It looks higher from this side."

"Yep."

"Is there a gate?"

"Don't think so."

"Um. Fuck?"

Ashley looked at Rose. Looked at the water. They went over to the edge of the pool. Ashley tried to walk quietly, which was easy in bare feet. Rose was being quiet too. The water was still, the moon quite bright. She could hear crickets, traffic, noise from the party next door. She looked at the house up above her. No curtains seemed open, no lights on.

"Go on," Rose said.

"You first."

"Yeah, fuck that. You get in if you want to."

Ashley nodded slowly. "Okay. Keep an eye out."

Ashley unzipped her dress while Rose watched. She was looking at Rose, facing Rose, and she wasn't quite sure if Rose would care.

Ashley had no idea what other women liked. She'd never needed to know before. She liked touching people, and liked how they smelled, and had never been especially fussed by how they looked. Right here, when it mattered, she realized she'd never asked anyone else. Not once. She had no idea if anyone else felt the same, or if it made any sense to assume she could guess what Rose liked based on what she liked herself.

She'd spent her whole life assuming all she needed to do to be sexy was take off her clothes, and she had no idea if that would work here.

She took off her dress anyway. Rose was watching, so she pushed it down rather than pulled it over her head, even though she could feel water on the ground under her feet. She reached back and undid her bra.

Rose was staring. Rose seemed to be interested after all.

Ashley pushed her underwear, enough they fell down.

Then she stood there a moment and let Rose look. She felt awkward and sexy at the same time. About what she'd always felt undressing in front of a man.

So perhaps it wasn't that different after all.

"Okay," Ashley said. "I'm getting in."

Rose nodded.

Ashley took two steps forward, and kissed Rose again, naked now. Pushing herself forward, kissing with her mouth open, and pulled Rose's hand down onto her ass.

Rose kissed her back, and held onto her, and still seemed interested. Ashley was reassured.

She stepped backwards, turned, and jumped into the pool.

Jumped, then realized that a splash might be bad, and that the water might be cold.

It was cold. She surfaced, gasping, and made herself not shriek. She looked up at the house's windows and decided no-one had heard her.

She waited a moment, getting a kick out of being naked and all the windows. She hadn't done something like this in years.

She swam to the far end of the pool, and swam back underwater.

Rose was at the edge, sitting, watching Ashley. Her hand was in the water.

"Get in," Ashley said quietly.

Rose shook her head.

"Get in the fucking pool," Ashley said. She lifted herself up on her arms, out the water, kissed Rose.

"You're perfect," Rose said. She was watching Ashley, watching Ashley's tits. Ashley grinned, relieved. Apparently chicks looked at tits too. She wondered if she'd like looking at Rose's, and decided she'd rather touch her all over than look at anything.

Her arms were getting sore, from holding herself up. She wasn't fit like Rose, and didn't know why she was pretending.

She let herself down, and floated, looking at Rose. "Get in," she said. "Please."

"It looks cold."

"It isn't."

"Shit," Rose said. "All right, but don't watch."

"I'm not," Ashley said, and swam away underwater.

Rose undressed. She got tangled a bit in her jeans, and had to sit down. She had a nice body. A really fit body, like she exercised a lot, ran or something. Ashley had felt it, but now she could see it too.

Even though she wasn't supposed to be watching.

Rose slid into the pool. She didn't jump, just lowered herself in, and put her head under, then came up, and leaned on the edge, really close to Ashley.

Ashley kissed her. Kissed Rose and wrapped herself around her and felt her tits slide over someone else's. That was pretty cool.

Something happened with their legs. Rose's went between Ashley's, all slippery and warm, slithering on Ashley in a way that made her shiver and stop thinking about anything else.

Rose did it again. Rose's body was hard and her mouth warm and soft. Ashley kissed her and pushed against her and tried to work out how to make the leg thing happen again.

"What was that?" Rose said suddenly.

"Nothing," Ashley said into her mouth.

"No, stop. Listen."

"There's nothing," Ashley said.

Then realized she was wrong. She saw a torch, heard voices. A voice, a man's, loud. "Is someone there?"

"Fuck," Rose whispered. "We need to get back over the fence."

"I don't think I can. Not over it. Not quickly."

Rose could climb the fence on her own, Ashley thought. It was Ashley who was going to hold them both up.

"Go," Ashley said.

"I'm a cop."

"What?"

"I'm in the police. I can't get caught here. I have to go."

"Bullshit."

"My warrant card's in my wallet."

Ashley looked at her and decided she might be telling the truth. "I'm a lawyer," Ashley said. "I can't really get caught either."

They looked at each other.

"Fuck it," Ashley said. "Go hide in a bush. I'll tell them I'm on my own."

Rose climbed out, grabbed her clothes, and was about to run off. Then she stopped, and knelt down and kissed Ashley. "Thank you," she said.

"Fuck off and hide."

Rose ran off towards the fence.

Ashley stayed the water. She wasn't sure she had time to get dressed before she got caught, and she had some vague idea of being more distracting by staying in the water, and helping Rose get away.

She floated. She stayed near the side, so she could hide herself.

A cop with a torch came around the side of the house. Then another. Two men, it seemed.

"I'm over here," Ashley said.

They walked around to her. One shone a torch at her, then around the pool area.

"Are you on your own?" he said.

"Yep," Ashley said.

"Would you mind hopping out the pool."

"Um," Ashley said. "Do I have to?"

The other cop realized she was naked, and said something to the first.

"You're going to need to get out, miss," the first cop said.

"Yeah," Ashley said. "Could you look over there for a second."

They turned around. They made a show of it, so she knew they were, looking up at the house. She climbed out as quickly as she could, and pulled on her dress. She didn't worry about her underwear, just grabbed it all in a bundle and stuffed into her bag.

"Okay," she said. "Um. Thank you."

They turned around and looked at her for a moment. Wet skin, she supposed, thin dress.

"Have you got some identification on you?" one said.

Ashley got her drivers license out and showed them.

"This isn't your house?" the first cop said.

She shook her head.

"We had a report of voices," the first cop said.

"Voices?" Ashley said. She pointed to the party. "I think there people in the back garden over there, talking. But I'm the only one here."

They looked around a bit more.

"Shit," Ashley said. "Look, I'm really sorry. I wasn't even sure whose pool it was. But it's a warm night, and, you know. I'm sorry."

"Okay," the first cop said. "Go away, don't come back. And warn your friends not to. If there's anyone else we might have to arrest someone."

"I will," Ashley said. "Thank you."

"No problem."

"No really, thank you." She looked at the fence. "Should I...?"

"Perhaps just come around the front with us."

Ashley nodded. She walked with them up some steps, and around the side of the house. They stopped in the street, next to a police car.

"I'm really sorry," Ashley said. "I'm sure you've got better things to do."

"We do," one said. "But don't worry. You shouldn't swim on your own, though, and especially if you've been drinking. It's dangerous."

Ashley nodded.

She realized after a moment they were waiting for her to go, so she went back inside the party. Went straight though, barefoot and dripping and braless, and knew a few people noticed and looked. Went out onto the back deck and found Rose waiting, dressed and dry except her hair. She was looking down into the back garden.

"Shit," Rose said. "Hi. I wasn't sure if you'd come back over the fence or around the front."

"They said not to hop over the fence."

"I imagine. Thank you."

"Don't worry."

"No, you saved my ass. I owe you."

Ashley shrugged.

Rose held out Ashley's shoes. "Picked these up."

Ashley took them.

"God," Rose said. "Ashley..."

Wet skin, she thought. Thin dress. She should put the rest of her clothes on. But she wanted Rose to look. "Pervert," she said.

Rose grinned. "Sorry,"

"You really are a cop?" Ashley said.

Rose took a wallet out her back pocket, and took out an ID card. It said police, and it said her name. Ashley actually knew it was real because she'd seen them before through work.

"You're a senior constable."

"I am."

"You're a year older than me."

Rose took the card back.

"Nice photo."

Rose put the wallet away, said, "Watch it."

Ashley grinned.

They kissed again. After a while, Ashley said, "Hey, I think that guy over there's smoking pot."

Rose just shook her head, said, "Don't."

"What?"

"Be a dickhead about it."

Ashley grinned. "You're a cop."

"I am."

"You're muscley and fit."

Rose looked at her.

"That's fucking hot."

"Yeah, you said."

"Want to go?" Ashley said. "Want to go fuck me somewhere?"

"You want to?"

"I really do. You?"

Rose nodded.

"Not all reluctant any more?"

Rose stood there for a while, then shrugged. "You saved my ass."

"I'll get a taxi."

*

They stood in the street and waited. The police were gone.

"We're going to your place, okay?" Ashley said.

Rose shrugged. She was smoking, standing a little away from Ashley while she did. Ashley got out her phone and texted David and said she was staying out a bit longer, not to worry if she was late. Rose watched.

"Boyfriend," Ashley said. "Saying I'll be late."

"I almost believe you."

"About what?"

"That you really have a boyfriend and he really knows."

"Yep," Ashley said. "I do. It's cool. Stop obsessing."

"I don't get it."

"Maybe I'll explain."

"Maybe?"

"If this goes somewhere. And I like you. And you tell me all your secrets."

Rose just looked at her.

Ashley put her phone away. "So did you know them?" she said. "The police before?"

"Probably not. There's like fifteen thousand police officers in the state. We don't all know each other."

Ashley grinned.

"Why are you here?" Rose said. "Why are you doing this?"

"I want to fuck you."

"But why? If you have someone at home."

"Your eyes."

"My eyes."

"You're beautiful. The first moment I saw you, I..." Ashley shrugged. "I saw you. And there was something."

"That was kind of an odd moment," Rose said.

"But still."

Rose threw the cigarette end off into the gutter. "Yeah," she said. "Me too."

Ashley nodded, and didn't answer. She didn't want to spoil it by talking too much.

They waited quietly, soon saw headlights coming, driving slowly. Ashley stepped into the road and waved and the taxi drove up and stopped.

*

Rose lived in a suburban house. An older place in an older suburb, on a side street a couple of blocks from a railway station. Ashley had seen the signs as they drove up.

They went inside, and Rose started kissing her again.

Ashley leaned against the wall and kissed back. They were the same height. Ashley had noticed that earlier. She didn't know why exactly, but she liked it. Rose reached behind Ashley and pulled down her dress's zipper. She tugged, and Ashley wriggled, and it came free of Ashley's shoulders and slid down around her hips.

She still didn't have any underwear on. Her tits were bare, in someone else's hallway.

"Housemates?" Ashley said.

"Course not."

Rose started sucking on Ashley's tits, and it felt good. Like she was gentler, because she had some too, Ashley thought. Or Ashley was just making shit up. She felt like she was being pulled onto Rose's mouth, her nerves dragged forward out of her nipples. It made her knees weak, so she had to hold Rose's head with both arms and just gasp and sigh and lean on the wall.

After a while, Rose said, "Sorry. Want a drink or something?"

"I'm good," Ashley said, then, "Seriously?"

Rose grinned. She tugged at Ashley's dress, got it down her legs. Ashley kicked it free, then tried to lift up her feet and undo her shoes while still having her tits sucked, but couldn't manage. Rose was in the way.

Rose stopped to let her.

Ashley undid her shoe's straps behind her ass, still standing and leaning on the wall. Trying to look sexy on purpose. Rose watched, and Ashley was so aware of her eyes it was like being fingered with a stare.

Ashley stood there for a moment, leaning and grinning and feeling hot and wanted.

Then Rose kissed her again, and she forgot about eyes.

"Through here," Rose said, almost dragging Ashley into a lounge. They bumped a coffee table and knocked over a stack of books, and Ashley was getting desperate to touch Rose, to feel her, so she pulled up Rose's shirt as they stumbled around so she could feel bare skin pressed on skin while they kissed. She undid Rose's jeans, and got her hand inside the top of them, and pressed her fingers into Rose. Touched warm soft lips and spread them a little, touched slippery heat inside. It was different to anything she done before, and hot because it was different. Like touching herself, but not. She felt Rose, felt her hand trapped against Rose by tight denim. She fingered Rose for a while, felt Rose's breath all shallow and hot on her neck.

Rose rolled her over, was strong enough she could just roll and Ashley didn't have much choice. Ashley kind of liked that, it felt safer somehow with Rose than with a guy she didn't know. Ashley was naked. Rose slid down and started licking her, all slow and swirly and wet. Ashley was startled, hadn't expected head so quickly. She pushed herself up against Rose's mouth and felt Rose's tongue lapping and slippery. She stroked Rose's hair and watched her lick, still dressed, bent over, all passionate and horny and wanting Ashley.

"I haven't done this much before," Ashley said suddenly. "With a woman."

"I don't care," Rose said. Then, "Much?"

"Never."

Rose looked up. "Really?"

"Yep."

Rose grinned. She kept grinning.

"Hey," Ashley said. "I'm kind of really close, if you'd get the fuck on with it.'

"Sorry," Rose said, and started licking again.

In a minute, Ashley came. A wet slow pulse through her that made her moan and dissolve and hold Rose's hair and want to fall in love with her.

"Swap places," Ashley said. Rose was kneeling in front of her.

"You don't have to do me if you don't want to."

Ashley was a bit surprised. "Don't be a dick."

"I'm serious."

"So am I. Don't say shit like that to people, or they'll starting thinking you actually mean it."

Rose looked at her for a moment, then laughed.

"I want to, you idiot," Ashley said, and kissed her. Then undressed Rose while she kissed her.

She got Rose's shirt off, and pulled down her jeans, and kissed and licked and stroked Rose all over. Rose had the kind of hard, neat body Ashley had never felt before. A lot of muscle, and very fit, but soft in places too. And smooth, much smoother than a man. Rose's back was almost cut, her arms didn't give under Ashley's touch.

Ashley reached back and tried to get Rose's bra, then stopped, confused. Something was back to front.

"Shit," she said. "Ah."

Rose opened her eyes.

"If you laugh..." Ashley said.

"I'm not."

"The clip's the wrong way around."

"Sure," Rose said, and undid it herself.

Ashley went back to licking. She kissed Rose's breasts, and it was kind of cool. Not sexy like Rose seemed to think Ashley's were, but cool. They moved, and she sucked Rose's nipples, and she'd never in her life done that before because she couldn't reach her own. They had a texture in her mouth, Ashley realized, a shape, not like teensy man nipples.

She slid onto the floor, and pushed at Rose's legs until she moved, and got in the right place to reach. She kissed, and bent over, and tasted Rose. Licked her carefully.

She'd been wondering for two years if she'd be able to do this, to go down on another woman, but in the end it was nothing. Giving someone head was giving someone head, when you were into them, and not really any different.

Rose tasted different to Ashley, but she supposed that made sense. That you'd taste different like your smell seemed different, because you were used to yourself.

She tasted, and breathed in Rose's smell, and it was light and delicate, not as rich as a man. She licked again, licked properly, working it out as she went. It wasn't hard. Just head, like anything else. A light fast slippery path down length of Rose.

Rose put her hands on Ashley's head and said, "Oh fuck," so Ashley assumed she must be doing something right.

Ashley felt buzzy and brave and alive. Felt like she probably ought to want to feel every day. Rose tasted good. Rose felt good in her mouth.

Ashley's hair was getting in the way. It was worse going down on a woman than a man because she was looking down, and her hair fell underneath her face. Rose didn't stick out in front like a man did. Ashley tried to hold it out the way with one hand while she gave Rose head, but she wanted to touch as much as she could.

She looked up. "Have you got a hair tie?"

Rose looked at her, shook her head.

"A clip? Anything?"

Rose pointed to her own hair. "Sorry."

Ashley pulled her own into a loose ponytail, put Rose's hands on it. "Hold it out the way."

Rose nodded.

Ashley slid her fingers inside Rose, and kept going. After a while Rose started holding Ashley tighter, like she was steering her. Ashley let herself be steered. It only took a few minutes, was even quicker than Ashley. They were both turned on, Ashley supposed. Rose moaned and lifted up off the couch and held Ashley's head and came.

Ashley sat back up and kissed her.

She felt a little awkward, suddenly. She wasn't sure why.

"That was good," Rose said. She still had her eyes closed.

"I'm glad," Ashley said.

"That was really fucking good. In case you wondered."

"What, cause it's my first time and all?"

Rose shrugged.

"I did," Ashley said. "Maybe. Wonder.'

"Don't."

Ashley grinned. "I guess just doing what people do to me."

"Yeah, because that's all there is too it."

"It worked, didn't it?" Ashley said.

Rose still had one hand in Ashley's hair, was half stroking it, half holding it. She seemed to really like hair, had been touching it all night. Maybe she liked long hair, Ashley thought, to touch and play with, but couldn't be bothered with the work it took herself. Maybe she wasn't allowed long hair if she was a cop.

Ashley liked her touching. No-one had ever done that before, played with her hair quite that much.

Rose sat up, kissed Ashley, and went out into the hall. She must have gone into the kitchen. She came back with two beers, and handed Ashley one. She pulled her jeans back on, pulled on her shirt.

Ashley wasn't sure why, and couldn't be bothered herself. She stayed as she was, leaning on Rose's shoulder.

She sipped the beer slowly. It tasted a little of Rose, as she drank. Rose picked up her cigarettes and said, "I'll be back in a minute."

Ashley realized why she'd got dressed. "Don't go outside because of me."

"I'm not," Rose said. She went outside, and pulled the door closed.

Ashley sat there and felt stupidly happy. She knew it was just chemicals, because she'd had sex, but she felt happy. She felt comfortable. She might have run off, but there didn't seem to be any hurry to go anywhere.

Rose came back, and sat on the couch beside Ashley. She smelled of smoke now, and Ashley decided she quite liked it.

"What's it like to be in the police?" Ashley said, for something to say. "Can I say cop?"

"Sure."

"What's it like."

"A job. A good job."

"You like it?"

Rose nodded.

"Is it dangerous."

"Can be. Sometimes."

"Have you ever been in danger."

"Yeah."

Ashley looked at her. "Well?"

"You know how you don't want to talk about your thing with your partner? Because you don't know me that well yet?"

"Yeah, fair enough." Ashley sipped. "I'll talk about that though, if you like."

Rose looked at her. "All right. Go on."

"What do you want to know? He's twenty years older than me and a senior partner at my firm. And it's a very good firm."

Rose looked at her, thinking.

"What do you want to know?" Ashley said.

"You're much younger."

"And that doesn't matter. Not to me."

Rose nodded. "He doesn't mind you being here?"

"Not at all."

"Phone him. Tell him we just gave each other head."

Ashley reached down onto the floor, and got her bag. She got out her phone, and looked at the time. "It's late. He'll be asleep. But next time I will, if you want."

"Next time?"

Ashley grinned. "It isn't a problem. I really will. Just not at two in the morning."

"Why doesn't he care?"

"He trusts me."

Rose smiled a strange smile.

"What?" Ashley said.

"You say trust, but you're here."

"You don't believe he knows?"

Rose shrugged.

"I'll tell him anything he wants to know tomorrow," Ashley said. "And because of that he knows I'll never lie to him."

Rose was still looking doubtful, like she thought Ashley was lying. Ashley was a lawyer. She was used to people looking at her like that.

"Keep looking like that and I'll get up and walk out," she said.

"Yeah," Rose said. "Sorry."

"Just don't, okay? I'm telling you the truth and it would be nice if you believed me."

"Yeah. I guess it's a cop thing. People lie to me all the time."

"I'm a lawyer."

"So..."

"The same people lie to me too."

Rose grinned.

"He's much older than me," Ashley said, "He really, truly loves me and I truly love him. We got together too soon. For me. So we do this."

"He isn't jealous?"

"He really isn't. Not of women."

"I don't get it."

"I don't either," Ashley said. "I really fucking don't."

"I'd be jealous," Rose said.

"I would too."

Rose looked at her. "You don't let him do this too?"

"Fuck no. But he says he doesn't want to."

Rose was thinking.

"It works for us," Ashley said.

"I suppose that's what matters."

"So now you know too," Ashley said. "I told you right at the start. So you can't ever be upset by whatever happens from here. Not about that."

"Yeah," Rose said. "Fair enough."

"I want to again," Ashley said. "This. With you. If that makes any difference to anything."

"Tonight?"

"Tonight and another night. Many other nights."

Rose nodded slowly. "Me too."

Ashley leaned over kissed her, and Rose kissed back with a cold sour mouth from the beer.

*

After a while Rose went outside for another cigarette. Ashley put her dress on, and went with her, and stroked Rose's arms while Rose smoked.

"Want to show me the house?" Ashley said, when they went back inside.

"If you like."

They walked around, kissing their way through the rooms. The house was small and simply laid out. Two bedrooms on one side, the lounge and kitchen on the other, a bathroom down the back.

"Did you do all the painting and shit," Ashley said into Rose's mouth.

"Nah. Bought it like this."

"Nice bed," Ashley said. "Looks comfortable."

Rose grinned. "It is."

Ashley pulled her onto the bed, and started kissing her. Started touching her all over and being astonished again by how hard and toned her body was. Ashley liked that. She touched her own upper arm, and then Rose's. She pushed on her own tummy, then poked Rose.

"Hey," Rose said. "Stop it."

Ashley kissed her instead. Kissing turned into sex.

Ashley decided that apparently she liked sex with women. Or perhaps just with Rose. It didn't seem to start and stop as clearly, so sometimes she wasn't quite sure when they were actually having sex, or when they were only hugging. It wasn't just hump, pee, and sleep. They drifted into it, so stroking became fucking, then drifted back out and talked for a while, then started again. Ashley liked it this way. She really liked lying in a tangle of sweaty limbs, all folded together, liked the constant kissing, and the new tastes and smells. Rose's hair was softer, and her skin was smoother, and it was slower and more complete sex, less focused on thrusting and sucking, and more on gently being there, pressing together. Like a sensual hug that kept going for an hour.

She loved David. She utterly, completely loved David. But she was glad she'd done this too. She was glad this was possible.

The thing Rose had done with her leg in the pool worked in bed too. Ashley lay here and blinked and couldn't believe how good it was. After a while she understood why. It was most of the bits that got rubbed during sex with a man, being rubbed by Rose, just without anything inside her.

"Fuck," she said. "It's sex without all the drama about is it in yet."

"Yeah," Rose said, "No shit," and kissed her ear.

A little later Ashley realized Rose had her eyes closed, and was breathing hard, and that it wasn't Rose's leg on Ashley any more, it was her pussy, somehow.

Rose was fucking her, was moving so they were both getting close. Rose seemed to be trying to make them come together, so Ashley concentrated, tried too.

It almost worked, but not quite. Rose came, and sighed all the air out her lungs and stopped moving, so her arms and tummy were suddenly all soft against Ashley, and Ashley took over, and tried to press up against her, and finish.

"Sorry," Rose said, and put her hand down between them.

"No," Ashley gasped. "Like before."

Rose moved, and pressed on her, and Ashley got there, finally, and hugged Rose and almost wanted to sob.

*

Hours later, very late, Ashley was still kissing Rose, kissing slow and tender and with the very beginnings of a crush.

"I really like you," Ashley said. "I want to see you again. But maybe I should go. It's getting late. I should let you sleep."

"You can stay if you want."

"I can't tonight. I have a thing at home tomorrow. Can I ask a dumb question."

"Of course."

"Is this just tonight, or what? I was kind of hinting before and you never told me."

Rose looked at her.

"I want to," Ashley said. "I really fucking do. But no pressure."

Rose nodded.

That still wasn't an answer, Ashley thought, so she assumed no. She was a little sad, slightly hurt, but she didn't really mind. She understood why she might not be the best long-term prospect for Rose. She slid off the bed and started getting dressed. It took her a moment to remember her underwear out in her bag.

Rose got dressed too, and followed her, and seemed to be thinking. Ashley had a feeling this wasn't ending well, that Rose didn't want to see her again.

Ashley phoned a taxi, then stood in the hall and waited. Rose put her arms around Ashley, so Ashley kissed Rose, and Rose kissed her back, which made Ashley hopeful.

"You still have my card?" Ashley said.

"I think so."

Ashley looked in her bag, and gave Rose another.

"Yeah," Rose said. "By I think so, I mean its in the drawer under the phone in the kitchen. So I don't lose it."

Ashley started to smile. "Oh."

"But you really must want to make sure I can get hold of you if I want."

Ashley shrugged.

"I'll find you," Rose said. "Even if I do lose the card. Because I'm, you know, a cop."

Ashley nodded. "In that case, it's on you. Phone me. If you want a next time."

"I will."

"You will ring?" Ashley said, then wished she hadn't. It was a bit needy.

Rose nodded, though.

Ashley grinned, pleased. "This isn't too weird for you?" she said. "Partners who know and everything? I'm not too weird for you?"

"It's not too weird. And it's just sex, at the moment. And you're fun and cool and you saved me back at the pool. Nothing weird at all."

"So phone me."

"Yeah, I will."

"You'd fucking better, because I really like you."

The taxi beeped outside, and Rose didn't answer. Ashley kissed her and said bye and went home.

She had a crush. She had a really bad crush, and Rose was exactly not who she'd have ever thought it would be on. Her life was good. Her life was perfect. She had a crush on a girl, and it was because of David and his deals.

*

David was asleep when Ashley came in. She was quiet, took off her shoes at the door, undressed in the lounge, showered and brushed her teeth in the guest bathroom. She'd have showered after a party anyway, so she didn't wake up smelling of beer and smoke, but she was really going to when she'd just come home from sex with someone else. It seemed awful not to.

She lay in bed wondering if what she was doing was really okay, or just something unspeakably selfish that she'd bullied David into accepting, years ago.

There was a part of her that had to make people around her to do what she wanted. She didn't like it, but it with the job, with being a good lawyer in a tough firm. Everyone around her was like that, so she was too. David usually said he loved it about her, even after a fight. That he loved it, and thought it was why he was still interested in her after all this time. Because she demanded what she wanted, and was uncompromising.

She still wasn't sure it made it okay. Not about this.

She wanted Rose. She was attracted to Rose. She wanted Rose again. That was a complication she hadn't thought of when the deal started. She'd expected it to be just fucking, making do with the body parts she could get. Or not even fucking. Just flirting, to make herself feel good.

This was a lot more.

She wondered if this was something that had always been inside herself and she'd just never realized. She thought about other friends, other women she'd been around, and what she might have missed about her feelings for them.

She had a crush on Rose, and she was pretty sure she never had on anyone else before, so maybe it wasn't her. Maybe Rose was just special.

Eventually she went to sleep, still thinking.

David woke her in the morning by stroking her hip, and kissing her neck. She was confused for a moment. There was sun on her. It was late.

"Hey old man," she said, and rolled over.

He kept stroking her. "How did it go?" he said.

"I love you," she said. "I really fucking love you. You're the best man ever."

He seemed surprised, and kissed her for a while.

"You didn't answer," he said.

"I know."

He thought about that. "Is that good or bad?"

"Thank you," Ashley said. "For letting me. Are you okay?"

He nodded.

She lay there and looked at him. She thought he was all right, but wanted to be sure. This wasn't exactly a normal situation, and she didn't know exactly what to expect.

"I love you," she said. "Not her."

"I know."

"I just want to be sure you realize."

"Ash, I really don't mind."

"And you're not jealous?"

"Only of the time you were gone."

"Not of what I did?"

He shook his head.

"Do you want to know what I did?"

He sat there for a while. "You can tell me another time."

"Okay." She kissed him again, still a little worried. "Thank you," she said. "For being you."

It was Sunday, so neither of them were working early. She rolled over and went down on him. Wanting to let him know she was still horny for him, still wanted him, and that he wouldn't lose anything if she slept with other people.

She sucked until he came in her mouth, then slid up and kissed him and said, "Are we really okay?"

"Of course." He stroked her face. Stroked her hair too, like Rose had. "You look happy."

"I'm grateful. That my life is what it is."

"Yeah," he said. "Me too."

"Are you really okay?"

"I am."

"You don't mind?"

"Not with her, no."

Ashley nodded. She lay on him for a while, thinking. "Can I see her again? If she wants to?"

"I assumed you would."

"I wasn't sure."

After a while they got up and read newspapers. They did most Sundays, read quietly, pushing things over each thought the other might like. It meant something. Certainty and trust, Ashley thought. It especially meant something this morning.

"I love you," Ashley said, without looking up.

"I you," he said, also without looking. After a while, "What's she like?"

"Yeah, you know. Kind of cool. Interesting. Turns out she's a cop."

"A cop?"

"Yeah. But we jumped over a fence to have a swim, so I don't know."

David grinned. He was probably thinking that was typical. The older lawyers all seemed to catch cynicism about the police.

"What?" Ashley said anyway.

"You. You're you and that's wonderful."

She kept looking at him.

"You're corrupting the police," he said.

"I know."

She kept looking, thinking. "You really don't mind?" she said.

"It's better than not knowing who you're with."

"But you don't mind?"

He shook his head, then leaned over and kissed her and said he loved her again. They didn't talk much more after that. Ashley wasn't sure if didn't care, or if he was hiding something. And if he was hiding something, whether he was upset, or a little jealous, or just thought it was rude to ask for details. It could be any of those, or he might just not care. She hoped it was that he didn't care, but she wasn't sure.

She wondered if she should stop, should tell Rose she couldn't see her again, but she didn't want to yet. Not until she knew where this might go. She was being a little selfish, but she wasn't really, since everyone knew and they all said they didn't mind.

It was selfish only in that she wasn't choosing to stop herself, before anyone had asked her to.

There was a new part of herself she was only just finding out about, too. She wanted to use that as an excuse, that she'd only just realized it was there, and she needed to explore it. It wasn't that, though. It wasn't that, and it wasn't fair to David to pretend it was. It was the dark, horrible part of her again. The part Mary had warned her about. She still wanted to be with someone new. She wanted the thrill of starting with someone new, and that was what Rose was.

She'd been in love exactly once in her life, with David, and she was selfish enough to think that wasn't enough. To think she deserved more.

David valued certainty, and knowing she was his forever, and he wanted that more than he cared about little pangs of jealousy over Rose. That was his problem, like wanting to fall for people was hers, and it seems good that their problems fit. That they actually had a way to live together that didn't cause too much hurt.

They were still together. They were an impossible couple, and had no right to be as stable as they were, but they stayed together, and a lot of it was because of this deal.

If that was worth it to David, it should be worth it to Ashley too.

She would see Rose again.

*

Deciding to see Rose and actually seeing her were two different things. Rose was the one who would decide what happened next, and Ashley worried Rose might not ring. That she might only have said she would to get Ashley to leave without a fuss.

Ashley was relieved, four days later, when she did.

"It's good to hear from you," Ashley said. She was in a hallway near her office at work, coming back from a meeting. It sounded like Rose was in a locker room. There were metal bangs and voices in the background.

"I just wondered if you were free?" Rose said. "If you wanted to do something."

"Now?" Ashley said, and then looked at a clock. It was five. Normal people with normal lives, she supposed. "Can you give me a couple of hours?"

"Yeah, sure."

"Your place?"

"Okay."

"Tell me the address again."

Rose did.

"I'll see you by seven."

*

Rose met Ashley at the door, and kissed her tasting of beer and smoke and herself. Like the first time, they ended up half-naked and grinding against each other in the hallway behind the door.

"I can't believe what you do to me," Ashley whispered.

"I know."

"Your just..."

"I know." Rose kissed her. "Shut up."

They stumbled to the bedroom and Ashley spent half an hour slowly licking Rose out. Because she hadn't had as much practice, and because she was selfish and demanding, and because she didn't want Rose feeling she'd missed out.

Then Rose did her, and everything seemed to be okay.

Ashley lay on the bed afterwards. Rose went and got her cigarettes and an ashtray and a bottle of water. She held out the water to Ashley.

"You're the only person I know who still smokes," Ashley said.

"Do you mind?"

"It's your house."

Rose looked at her for a moment, then went and pulled a window open. A big sliding sash, with a wooden frame and sill. She sat on the sill, not bothering to get dressed, and blew smoke out the window.

"I didn't mean that."

"It's okay."

"Come back to bed."

Rose looked at her.

"To your own fucking bed. I didn't mean anything. I was just saying."

Rose lay down where she'd been. "I tried to stop a few times," she said. "Then got sick of all the fuss of having to. I don't that much. I don't normally at work unless someone else is. It's probably more around you than any other time."

"Oh."

Rose grinned. "You know, cause of after sex."

"Sorry."

Rose shrugged.

"Is it hard? The stopping?"

"Yep. But shut up."

They lay there a while. Ashley stroked Rose's arm, watched the muscle in her other arm move as she smoked. "It's really fucking hot how strong you are."

Rose looked at her.

"It is," Ashley said.

Rose grinned. "No-one's ever said that before. I think a lot of people don't like it."

"I like it."

"Good."

"Is it a police thing? Staying fit and everything?"

"Kind of."

"You could beat me in a fight," Ashley said.

"Probably."

"No, you could. You're strong, and you must know what you're doing."

Rose shrugged.

"I've never been in a fight. So you could beat me. That's kind of hot too."

Rose looked at her.

"Want to hold me down?" Ashley said. "Be all rough and fighty?"

"Not now."

"Another time?"

"Not really."

Ashley wasn't sure what to make of that, so she went quiet. Rose sipped water, and Ashley lay and watched her.

"Tell me about you," Ashley said.

"Why?"

"I want to know you a bit. And I talked about me last time."

"You can talk about you again, I don't mind."

Ashley lay there for a while. "I'm a lawyer, right? I know how to question people too. Turn shit around so suddenly we're not talking about me any more."

Rose grinned. "Sorry."

"I'm just saying. You're not tricking me. But what do you want to know this time?"

Rose was thinking. "Your boyfriend must have been useful for your career."

"Yeah. Of course. But no more than if I had the right parents."

"Creepy example."

Ashley looked at Rose. That was a little mean, but Ashley decided not to say anything.

"Its just some doors opened," Ashley said. "But that's all. Once I had a chance I still had to do what I did on my own."

"Is that really true, or just what you tell yourself?"

That one was really mean. Ashley was used to hearing things like this, which was why she didn't talk about her life to many people. Only people she could walk away from if it got too nasty, and she didn't want Rose to be one of those.

Ashley really liked Rose, really wanted to see more of her, but she wasn't going to take shit from her, or anyone else. She just wasn't.

One chance, she thought, and then she'd go. And never come back.

"That's fucking rude," Ashley said.

Rose seemed to have realized already. She looked a bit ashamed. "Yeah," she said. "Sorry. It sounded worse than I meant it."

"You don't approve?"

"Not for me to approve or disapprove."

So maybe she did understand.

"I want to see you again," Ashley said. "And I kind of want to be your friend. So don't make it too hard for me to do that."

"Yeah, sorry."

They lay there for a while.

"I should go," Ashley said.

"Because of what I said?"

"No," Ashley said. "Because I should go."

Rose watched her dress, and kissed her for a while at the door, and said, "Come back, okay?"

"It's on you," Ashley said. "You've got my card. So call me."

"I will."

*

Another evening, a week, later, after sex, Ashley decided she had to ask.

"Do you really think badly of me," she said. "Because of this. Because of everything at home?"

Rose shook her head.

"I kind of need to know if I'm going to keep seeing you. I don't want to be around people who think badly of me."

"I really don't."

"Be honest."

"I don't disapprove. I'm just curious."

"That's all?"

"I don't care. You told me at the very start what the situation was. I'm curious, that's all."

Ashley was surprised. "Oh."

"Isn't that what you wanted all along? Me not to care?"

"I suppose so."

"You're not going to leave him, are you?" Rose said. "So you and I, no matter what happens, we have no future."

Ashley looked at her. "Is that okay?"

"It's just sex, right now."

"And later?"

Rose shrugged. "Later happens later. I'll probably get sick of you."

It took Ashley a moment to realize she was joking. Probably.

"What?" Rose said. "You seem kind of high maintenance. I don't think I could afford you."

Ashley decided to ignore that. She leaned forward and kissed Rose instead. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Understanding. For not making this hard."

"I think I understand."

"You sound like you do. I love him. I really do. I want to be with him. And I want to fuck you. And if you're okay with it, that's what I'll do."

Rose thought for a while. "I'm okay with it."

"So am I." Ashley rolled over and kissed Rose again. "So thank you."

They lay there a bit longer. "I suppose I should go," Ashley said. "I have some shit I need to read before tomorrow morning."

"Okay."

"I want to see you again."

"I assumed. How about Wednesday? I have a half-shift."

Ashley got out of bed, went into the hall for her bag, and got out her diary. She didn't like PDAs. She needed paper. She went back into the bedroom. "Not Wednesday," she said. "Unless it's very late. How about Friday?"

"I need to book you a week ahead?"

Ashley looked at her for a moment, then closed the diary. "No, of course not."

"But if I phone on Wednesday and ask if you're free?"

Ashley opened the diary again. "I'll be in a meeting. Probably. Unless it's between three and four."

Rose kept sitting there.

"But if you say it's urgent, and ask them to get me, they can. And then I'll move as much as I can around to see you."

"You don't need to do that."

"I want to do that."

"I won't. Take advantage. Just tell me when you can, okay?"

"Late Wednesday night?"

"What about Friday."

Ashley sat there for a moment. "I don't want to wait that long."

Rose smiled, smug. "Then come over as late as you want. I'll stay up."

Ashley got dressed and kissed her a few more times and went home.

*

In Rose's bed, after sex, watching Rose smoke, watching the muscle move in her arms, Ashley said, "You never talk about yourself."

"I know."

"Because you don't know how long I'll be around?"

Rose didn't answer.

"Could you tell me something anyway? Just so I know?"

Rose lay there for a while. Ashley stroked her side, felt the shape of her, felt the smoothness of her skin.

"What do you want to know?" Rose said.

"I don't know. Anything. Ambitions. Where do you want to end up?"

"Don't know."

Ashley looked at her.

"Which you don't get," Rose said.

"Um..."

"Come on. You're so fucking ambitious and driven you can't imagine not having a plan for ten years for now."

"I'm not that ambitious."

"Do you have a plan?"

"Everyone has a plan. They tell you to make one in career development seminars."

"You live with your boss."

"I live with one of the owners of my firm, which isn't the same. And I love him. And stop implying there's something wrong with that."

Rose grinned. "Sorry."

"I used to have a very aggressive plan. A very complicated one."

"Used to?"

"Yep. Then I met David and none of it mattered any more."

"Because he gave you what you wanted?"

"Because he gave me what I thought I wanted. Which I didn't really. And that set me free to be happy."

"You like your life?"

"I fucking love my life."

"You know what? Me too."

"I know. Even though you won't talk about yourself, I think we're a lot the same."

"You think so?"

Ashley nodded. "I think that's why I like you."

"And the sex."

"Yeah, and the sex." Ashley picked up her phone, and checked the time. "I have to go. I have to play step-mother."

Rose looked at her.

"I shit you not," Ashley said. "David's daughter's coming over for dinner. I need to go and make nice."

"Because you're closer in age or something."

"Kind of." Ashley put on her bra, then pulled on her shirt, and then just sat there, didn't start buttoning it up. "There's a thing. Something some people find a bit funny."

"Oh yeah?"

"But I hate people who laugh. Actual hate. The one thing I don't like, that pisses me off."

"Okay, what is it?"

"Um. Rebecca is older than me."

"Rebecca being his kid?"

"Yep. Two years older."

"So you're boyfriend's daughter is older than you."

"Don't fucking laugh."

"I'm not." Rose lay there, and didn't look at Ashley. After a moment she reached over and got her cigarettes.

"You just had one," Ashley said.

"I know."

"You need another already?"

Rose nodded. Her hand was shaking a little as she lit it.

"Hey Rose, could you look at me."

"Nope." Rose's voice sounded strained.

"Look at me."

Rose shook her head, was shaking even more. Then she burst out laughing, said, "Oh fuck, I'm sorry. I can't help it."

She lay there laughing for a while.

"You're horrible."

"I'm sorry. This is awful, but it's fucking funny."

"It isn't."

"It fucking is."

Ashley did up her shirt, and her skirt, and sat back down to pull on her boots. She had little socks because she didn't want to deal with getting tights off and then back on in front of someone she was sleeping with.

"I'm pissed off with you," she said.

"I'm really sorry."

"Stop. Please."

"I've stopped."

Rose lay there for a moment then started laughing again.

"I hate it," Ashley said. "She's a wonderful person and she doesn't dislike me at all, and she's actually a really good friend."

"Why would she hate you?"

"Because it's fucking weird. Having a stepmother younger than you."

"You're not really her stepmother. If you're not married."

"And that's partly why." Ashley zipped up her boot. "But same shit. It's just, her mother is a psychotic bitch who really fucking has it in for me."

"The ex-wife?"

Ashley nodded.

"Shit, I can't think why she'd hate you."

"Yeah, me either."

"You and the boyfriend didn't..."

Ashley shook her head. "She left him years before I turned up. She just hates me. I don't know why."

"Other than the obvious."

"Yeah," Ashley said. "But Rebecca is lovely, and she's like David's best friend. She cheers him up when she's around. So I desperately want to be close to her. And she's never come between us, but it's weird with her, because every so often we go somewhere and one of us sees someone we know, and then we have to explain. And I hate that. I really fucking hate that." Ashley looked at her phone. "But I'm talking too much and I really have to go. Sorry."

She zipped up her other boot, and found her jacket out in the hall, and went back into the bedroom to kiss Rose and say goodbye.

Rose didn't get out of bed as she left.

*

Ashley kept seeing Rose once or twice a week, enough it was becoming a habit. A bad habit. A cause of distractions, and of odd little insecurities, and a disruption to the comfortable life Ashley had for herself. Almost a risk to it, she sometimes thought, if she ended up feeling too much.

She kept asking David if he minded, and he kept saying no. She pushed, she wanted to be absolutely sure, and he said over and over that he didn't. That she was having her affair, that everyone had one, and that he was glad he knew about it and she was coming back home.

Practicing law made everyone unbearably cynical, but other than that, David seemed sincere.

"I love you," she said. "A lot."

"I know."

"I'll stop if you want me to."

"I know that too."

"How can you not care?" she said. What she'd been thinking for weeks. "How does it not bother you if I'm having sex with someone else?"

"Honestly?" he said. "It's not sex."

Ashley looked at him for a while.

"I know," he said. "But it just isn't. I don't care."

"Do you think about it?" she said.

"Not really."

"What about the time I spend with her?"

"You have a friend. I'm glad. We're busy and don't spend that much time with each other anyway."

Ashley nodded, and decided she'd done all she could.

She still felt bad about the deal, as if she'd made him go along with it, in the first place, against his will, but now it was happening, he didn't seem to care. He said once they felt closer, because she was doing this, finally, and getting it out her system, and in an odd way she understood. Being with Rose was almost like a commitment to David. It meant Ashley actually needed their deal, that she was going to stay.

That made no sense to her, except it did.

She also couldn't decide what she felt for Rose. She liked Rose a lot, and wanted to be her friend, and none of that was necessarily what she had wanted when this started.

*

Rose rang, and asked if Ashley wanted to have lunch. Ashley went.

Rose rang at odd times, and Ashley did her utmost to move things around to see her. As far as Ashley could work out, Rose worked nights for a while, then days for a while, but also got half-days off sometimes to make up for overtime.

Ashley undid two shirt buttons in the lift. She wore a suit to work. She wore a suit and kept her hair up because she wanted to do everything she could to stop people remembering she was sleeping with a senior partner. When she saw Rose she wanted to look sexy, so she took her hair out and undid the top buttons of her shirt. She was getting used to organizing herself in lifts.

She met Rose in a café near her work. She wasn't thinking, because she was happy. They'd been getting careless, because they didn't actually need to worry anyway.

She was holding Rose's hand, just. Two fingertips twisted into Rose's underneath the table, both their hands on Ashley's leg.

They were sitting there, and Ashley might have been smiling a bit too much, and they were caught by the worst possible person.

Rebecca, David's daughter.

"Hey wicked stepmother," Rebecca said, and was suddenly beside their table.

Ashley didn't jump, which she was proud of. For a second Rose looked guilty, then put on a blank cop face.

Ashley let go of Rose's hand, stood up, and hugged Rebecca. "My friend Rose, David's daughter Rebecca."

"Your stepdaughter?"

"She isn't, because..." Ashley looked at Rose. "Yeah, my stepdaughter."

Rose held out her hand, and shook Rebecca's. Rebecca seemed to looking at Rose a little too closely.

"We just ate," Ashley said. "But sit down if you want, have coffee?"

"I was just going past." Rebecca said. She was looking from Rose to Ashley, and seemed to be thinking.

As far as Ashley knew, Rebecca didn't know about the deal with David. Because there was no reason she'd know, and telling her would be about as awkward as just pretending to be having an affair. Rebecca was protective, and liked Ashley, and would probably be furious if she fond out Ashley was cheating.

"Okay," Ashley said. "We were about to go anyway."

Rebecca nodded, and said it was nice to meet Rose, and left.

"Shit," Ashley said. "Fuck. I didn't want that to happen."

"She didn't see," Rose said.

"You don't know that," Ashley said, sharply, then made herself stop. Rose wasn't someone she wanted to fight with, ever. "Sorry."

"Wicked?" Rose said after a while.

"A stepmother? You pretty much have to be."

*

A few days later Rebecca came over to borrow clothes for a job interview. She and Ashley were the same size, pretty much exactly the same size including shoes, so when Rebecca needed a suit for something she borrowed Ashley's.

David was in the spare room, running on his treadmill. He had the TV on and music through headphones and would be lost to the world for an hour.

Ashley was sleeping with two people who were both fitter than her, and that was an odd thought.

Rebecca opened the spare room door and said hi, but David didn't notice. Almost like Rebecca was making sure she wasn't overheard.

Ashley wondered what was about to happen.

She followed Rebecca to the bedroom, and stood there while Rebecca looked in her wardrobe. Ashley pointed to a charcoal pinstripe.

"It'll make me look like a lawyer," Rebecca said.

"This?" Ashley said, and pointed to a lighter grey without a stripe.

"Your friend seemed nice," Rebecca said. "The other day."

"Yeah," Ashley said. "She is."

"Seemed odd how you were when I walked up. How she looked guilty."

Ashley didn't answer.

"And you don't have many friends," Rebecca said. "You're like dad, all work."

"People keep telling me that."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

Ashley looked at her. Held out the grey suit. "Wear that."

"Ashley..."

"I think she has a crush on me," Ashley said. "I think she has for ages. But I don't really want to deal with it, okay?"

Don't play with the big kids, Ashley thought. Don't try and out-bullshit a lawyer.

Rebecca was looking at her. Ashley held Rebecca's stare, looked back calmly, couldn't believe after a lifetime of being David's daughter Rebecca still thought looking at someone would tell her if they were lying.

After a moment Rebecca nodded. "Yeah," she said. "I had that once. It's kind of flattering, but kind of weird too."

"Yeah," Ashley said. "So I just ignore it. But sometimes she touches me a bit more than she should."

"You'll get a rep as a lesbo."

"Which is probably better than a rep for sleeping my way to the top, so who gives a shit."

Rebecca grinned and tried on the suit, and seemed to forget about Ashley and Rose.

Ashley was glad. She didn't want David embarrassed, and she didn't want anything to happen that might force a crisis, that might make her have to decide what she was actually doing with Rose.

*

After sex, Ashley liked it lie with her hand just touching Rose. Her fingertips just pressing onto Rose's skin. She lay and watched Rose smoke and thought about what they were becoming.

She thought about narrow misses with Rebecca.

"I like you," Ashley said. "And I'm getting used to you being around."

"Okay."

"I know the situation is tricky, so if there's anything you want me to do, tell me."

"Like what?"

"Like anything."

"Okay."

They lay there for a while.

"I don't mind how things are," Rose said. "Just so you know. I'm busy a lot. I have shit to do. I don't necessarily want someone who's around all the time, and I definitely don't if its another woman."

Ashley looked at her.

"Don't look like that," Rose said. "You know exactly what I mean."

"I'm not saying anything," Ashley said.

"Because you're the same. Basically."

Ashley kissed her.

"You are," Rose said.

"I'm not saying anything."

"It's not just you who's using someone for sex."

"Okay," Ashley said. "That's good."

*

Ashley was at a party with David's people. All the big firm partners, judges, people from government. Very high-powered, very important people. She wasn't the youngest person there, not even the youngest lawyer there. She was the youngest who'd been around for a while, though. Trophies came and went, but Ashley stayed. She listened a lot, said hello to people she knew. She was there as David's partner, not for herself. These people were too far up above her to make networking worthwhile.

Rose rang and said, "Are you busy?"

Ashley found a corner, said, "A party. Kind of."

"Wearing a party dress?"

"Yep."

"I want you."

"I have to stay here for a while."

"Afterwards?"

"Yeah, okay."

"I'm at a bar. With some friends. Can you come?"

There was noise in the background. Shouting, maybe sports on a TV. "Um, maybe. Tell me where, I'll phone if I can't."

Rose did.

"Hey, Rose, who was the last judge who pissed you off. Let someone go you wanted convicted or whatever?"

"Not how it works Ashley."

"All the same. Was there one?"

"Why?"

"I'm probably looking at him, that's all."

"I don't dislike lawyers, Ash. We're all just doing our jobs."

Ashley grinned. "I'll see you later on."

"Okay."

She went back to David and listened to other people talk for a while. When he was alone, she leaned close and said quietly, "A friend phoned. Asked me to see her. I'll get away when I can, if that's okay?"

"Of course. That friend?"

She nodded.

He kissed her and said, "Have fun."

She looked at him. She was aware of people nearby, of needing to be cautious. "You really are a very good man, you know that?"

He grinned, kissed her again, and went to talk to someone else.

*

Rose's bar was seedy and loud and filled with noisy people Ashley assumed were other cops. She looked around, then went back outside and phoned Rose. "Do I kiss you?" she said.

"What?"

"I'm here. I just suddenly realized. Around your friends, do I kiss you?"

Silence for a moment.

"Shit. Are you outside?"

"Yep."

"I'll come out."

Rose hung up, then appeared after a minute, holding her cigarettes, looking around. She kissed Ashley, then kissed her again, and said, "Sorry."

"I know. That's why I asked."

"Yeah, sorry. I hadn't thought."

"Am I okay like this? It isn't too weird that you know me?"

"It's all right," Rose said. "You don't need to be that sneaky. I'd just rather not make anything too obvious."

"Yeah, that's okay."

Rose kissed her again and they went inside. The pub seemed a bit rough, but Rose was relaxed. She looked back at Ashley and grinned, and wove her way through people to a table down the back. Ashley crowded up to a table and watched Rose talk and laugh and be herself.

They were nice people. Ashley had been ready to be polite and smile and get out as soon as she could, but they seemed to want to meet her, seemed to welcome her because Rose had brought her there. Ashley listened to them talk and after a while, under the table, Rose held her hand.

After a while Ashley said, "Is everyone here a cop?" and they all said yes.

"Everyone in the whole bar?"

"Pretty much. Or an ex cop. Or a cop's partner."

"Shit."

"Feel out of place?" Rose whispered, and Ashley said, "Shut up."

Rose grinned and poured more beer from a jug.

Later, Rose went to the bathroom, and one of the other women leaned over and said, "Don't hurt her."

Ashley looked up. "I don't know what you mean."

"Just don't. Be careful, don't hurt her."

Ashley nodded. "I won't."

"Good. Or you'll have half the police in town after you."

Ashley didn't know what to say, so she didn't say anything, just sat there.

Rose came back, and everyone kept talking. They all seemed to be talking about people Ashley didn't know and things she didn't know about. It had been a long time since she'd been in that situation. After a while, she went to the bathroom and stood in front the mirror, pretending to fiddle with her hair. Just to be on her own.

Rose came in. "Hey, are you okay?"

Ashley nodded.

"You'd been gone a while. I just wanted to check." There wasn't much room in front the sink, so Rose stayed over by the door, watching Ashley. "You sure?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking about doing something with my hair."

"I like it how it is."

"Yeah," Ashley said. "So do I, that's the problem."

"Are you sure you're all right?"

"I'm fine."

Rose watched her for a while, "You haven't got that many friends, have you?"

Ashley thought about that, then said, "No."

"It shows."

"How do you mean?"

"You aren't used to real people. Outside of work."

"Fuck you."

Rose looked at her. "Seriously? You're angry?"

"Yeah, I am. My life is my life. I want you in it, but don't get all fucking superior and act like you're better than me because you have more friends."

"I don't have more friends, I have people I know have my back."

"Meaning what?"

"People you work with will stab you in yours, if they have a chance."

Ashley thought about that. "Some of them."

"If you don't think that, you need to be more careful. Expect trouble more."

"Because I'm a lawyer?"

"Because you jumped into someone's bed and got everything you wanted in life."

"I love him."

"I know you do, but the spiteful petty fuckwits in the world don't. It would be the same around here."

Ashley looked at her. "It fucks me off that you're clever. I'm always the clever one."

"You're a fucking control freak."

"I know."

They looked at each other.

"Still want me?" Ashley said.

"Of course."

Someone tried to open the door but Rose held it shut, shouted, "Wait."

Ashley looked at her. "I always wanted someone to do that while I had a crisis."

Rose grinned. "Come and sit down for a bit. Then we'll go."

Ashley nodded and followed Rose back to the table. Rose kept talking, but now had her hand on Ashley's leg. After a while Rose leaned over and whispered, "This isn't really a secret for you, is it?"

"No, why?"

Rose put her arm around Ashley, pulled her close, kissed her. The other people at the table noticed, but didn't seem to care.

"They all know," Rose said. "If it wasn't fucking obvious when you came in. So relax. Secrets are safe here."

Ashley looked at her for a while, then reached over and picked up the jug and poured herself another beer. "Let's stay for a bit."

Rose nodded. "Okay."

*

Two days later Ashley phoned Rose and said, "Come up to my office."

"Why?"

"You can't see my house yet, but you can see my office. I'm here all the time anyway."

"Except how I'm not at your house because your boyfriend won't like it, and you work with your boyfriend..."

"He's a partner." Ashley realized that might not be clear. "A partner in the firm."

"Yeah, I understood. I have a partner too, you dick."

Ashley had to think about that for a moment.

"It's a big firm," Ashley said. "Five floors. David's like two floors up from me. And I have meetings with all sorts of people all the time. And if he happens to see you, it's no big deal anyway. It's not like a thing, its just me being polite. I'm letting you two settle down a bit before you meet each other."

"You think about this shit, don't you."

"All the time. Will you?"

"I'm thinking about it. Can I kiss you?"

"Inside my actual office. Not where anyone can see. Because David's a partner here and that might be awkward."

"I get it," Rose said. "Okay, yeah. I'll come visit."

Ashley met her at the lift, and led her through to her office. Rose looked at the cubicle farm and said quietly, "Who are these guys?"

"Paralegals. Researchers and shit."

They passed Mia, Ashley's assistant, and Rose got thoughtful. She waited until they were inside and the door was shut, then said, "Who's she?"

"My assistant."

"Like she answers you phone, tells you when you have a meeting."

Ashley nodded.

Rose was looking at her oddly.

"What?" Ashley said.

"Nah, just you're a grown-up, that's all."

Rose was glancing around, thinking, and seemed impressed. There had always been an odd power balance between them, Ashley thought. Rose was more in charge. Ashley needed Rose willing to go along with her situation, and Rose picked the times and places they met. That gave Rose power. Maybe this would help, Ashley though. Maybe Rose would start to see Ashley as someone with a life of her own, not just some spoiled mistress.

Rose left after a while, but phoned Ashley later that afternoon. Mia put the call through. "That's cool," Rose said.

"That someone answers the phone?"

"Yeah."

"If I rung you at work..."

"Well yeah, but you have your own assistant. Bye."

Rose hung up, and rang straight back, and said, "Do you ever get sick of that?"

"Of what?" Ashley put her on speaker and started writing annotations in the margin of a brief.

"Being told who's calling?"

"She didn't. We have caller ID. She assumed you were getting wet about me having a PA and just put it through."

"Seriously?"

"No, but she did just put it through. Since you'd just rung."

"I know a guy who was an assistant."

"Stop it."

"I'm just saying."

"Just stop."

"He got fired. By the person he answered phones for."

"I don't think I can do that. I think HR has to."

"The boss asked for him to be transferred. For telling someone important she was at lunch when she wasn't meant to be."

"Yeah, you probably shouldn't do that."

"He was new."

"Ah."

"But really, do you ever get sick of that? Having someone answer your phone?"

"I'm kind of used to it."

Silence for a moment.

"Um," Ashley said. "Did you want something?"

"Nope. Just to say hi."

"Hi. And bye. I have shit to do."

Ashley hung up, then sat there and looked at the phone. It rung again. She picked it up.

"That's so fucking cool," Rose said again, and hung up.

Sometimes, after that, Rose came over to her building for lunch. As far as Ashley could tell, so she could stand in the lobby and phone to say she'd wait in the lobby. And to walk through it, and to be around the buzz of a big firm. To be impressed, Ashley hoped, by what Ashley did. It was nice. She forgot sometimes to be impressed by where she worked.

It was nice she could impress Rose, since Rose impressed her so much.

*

Ashley got home one evening and decided it felt like the right time. She sat at the kitchen counter and waited for David, and when he got home said, "Do you want to meet Rose?"

He looked at her, took off his jacket, and came and sat next to her. "Do you want me to?"

"I think I do. It feels a bit much like sneaking around at the moment. And this has gone on longer than I thought it would."

"I suppose it has."

"If you don't mind."

"No," he said. "No at all."

"If you still don't mind. Any of it."

"Not at all."

"Because I don't throw it in your face?"

He shrugged.

"I'm trying to be careful. Especially at work."

"I know. I'm grateful."

Ashley leaned over and kissed him.

"You can watch us if you want to," she said.

David looked at her. "How would she feel about that?"

"I'll talk her into it."

"I think I'd rather not. But thank you."

Ashley grinned. "I'm not sure I was serious."

"I'm not sure you were either."

*

Ashley thought for a while before she asked Rose. She thought about what Rose meant to her, and how fair she was being to both Rose and David, and where everything might end up, if nothing disastrous happened to make this end.

She had no idea where it might end up, she decided, but it was already a long way from having sex a few times with another woman to get over being afraid of commitment.

And David still didn't seem to mind. And Rose still didn't seem to either.

Ashley was lucky. She was getting closer to both of them, and it might not have all started out the best way it could have, but it was turning into something important to her.

"Do you want to meet him?" Ashley said one evening at Rose's house. "Meet David?"

"Why?"

"Because you're both in my life, and should know each other."

"One day."

"Do you want to meet him soon?"

Rose sat and thought. "Is it likely to be a big drama?"

"I wouldn't have thought so."

"Just talk, say hi?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"It won't be complicated. No crazy shit?"

"I'll make sure. I promise."

"Then okay."

Ashley kissed her. "Thank you."

"But nothing weird, no strange conversations."

Ashley nodded.

"And you know we'll be breaking up if he doesn't like me, don't you?"

Ashley lay there for a moment, wondering. "That won't happen," she said.

"Yeah right," Rose said.

Ashley just looked at her for a moment, and wasn't sure what to think.

*

Ashley went and met Rose at the lift, to kiss her, and in case Rose wanted to talk first. "Are you okay?" she said. "And thank you."

"Fine," Rose said, except she had her police face on, so she probably wasn't.

"It's just him meeting my friend," Ashley said. "And you meeting your friend's partner."

"Sure. Except it isn't, is it?"

"Thank you. For doing this."

"It's fine."

"Um," Ashley said. "Could you not touch me much, okay? I said the same to him. Don't worry if you forget, but just to make it less weird for everyone."

Rose nodded. "But this is just meeting a friend."

"I'm sorry," Ashley said. "I really am. Do you not want to?"

"I'm here. Let's go."

Ashley stood where she was and looked at Rose.

"It's you who'll regret it if this all goes wrong," Rose said. "Since you'll lose your bit on the side."

"I told you, that isn't going to happen."

Rose just looked at her.

"We don't have to do this."

"Come on," Rose said.

They went to the door, went inside. Rose and David shook hands. Ashley sat away from both of them, and watched them watch each other. Neither seemed especially jealous or hostile. David wasn't, and Rose had no reason to be, but Ashley was still a little wary.

It actually seemed to work. They actually seemed to get on. Both were careful, and polite, and were trying hard for Ashley's sake.

She wasn't sure why she deserved this, but it actually seemed to be working.

# Chapter Three

A month passed, and everything seemed settled for Ashley. Everything seemed stable. Then one afternoon Rose rang and said, "I'm at the central police station. Get down here now."

"Horny or something?"

"No you fucking idiot. Rebecca's just been arrested and it's bad. DUI, but she's hit another car and injured someone."

"Oh shit."

"I'm doing what I can, but get here."

"Okay."

Ashley phoned David and said, "Rose just told me Rebecca's been arrested. I'm going to see what's going on."

"I'll come too."

"Meet me downstairs."

She waited in the lobby, hugged David when he got there, and went down to the basement carpark. He was with another partner, one of the criminal lawyers, and they were both on the phone, seemed to be talking to people, trying to find out the situation. Ashley drove. They both kept making phone calls, but no-one seemed to know what was happening. It was probably too soon, Ashley thought, if Rebecca had just been caught. She was probably still sitting somewhere waiting to be processed.

David seemed angry. Very controlled, but angry, like he was going to punch the dashboard or throw his phone out the window or something. Ashley had never seen him like this before.

"David," she said. "Take it easy. Let Rose find out what's happening."

"She's a cop, Ash. Don't assume she'll help."

"She already is. And she'll do what she can. And we'll be better off with her trying than her pissed off, so just calm down."

David nodded, and after that he didn't really talk.

"I love you," Ashley said after a while, even though there was another partner in the back. "We'll get through this."

David looked at her. "I you."

Ashley parked, and texted Rose to say she was there, and went inside. A few people were waiting around in the lobby, none looking too dangerous or distraught. Gun licenses and property theft reports, Ashley assumed.

"Wait," she said to David, as he started towards the counter. "Rose's on her way."

Rose came out a few minutes later, saw them, and came over. "She's been arrested. That's all I know. I'm trying to get you in to see her but it's going to be a while."

"I'm her..." David said, and Ashley grabbed his arm.

"It takes time," Rose said. "They're still processing her. And I'm only a constable, I can't do magic."

"We'll wait," Ashley said, and looked at David. "Go sit down."

David did.

"Thank you," Ashley said to Rose. "He's just worried."

"I know."

Ashley tried to take her hand.

"Don't," Rose said, and took it away.

"Sorry," Ashley said.

Rose stood there. After a moment, she said, "I should get back."

Ashley nodded. "Thank you," she said. "For this."

"I'm angry with you," Rose said. "I'm really fucking angry I'm in this position. That I have to help his daughter."

"You don't have to."

"I do."

Ashley nodded. "I know. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, but I'm still angry."

"I know," Ashley said. "I get it."

Rose lifted her hand, like she might be going to touch Ashley after all, then just turned around and walked away.

*

Ashley and David waited. Rose was still around somewhere, talking to people, trying to hurry things up, Ashley thought.

David kept wanting to shout at people, to demand something happen, and Ashley kept having to calm him down. "Let Rose deal with it," she said, thinking of the night with Rose's friends at the bar. "Don't piss them all off by being everything they expect us to be."

Rose came back out and said they didn't really care about Rebecca but the injuries to the other driver complicated things. There was an drink driving campaign on, and they had to make an example.

Ashley just looked at her. "An example?"

"Yeah. I'm sorry. She's someone important's kid. We can't go easy on her in case someone finds out."

"Oh fuck."

"They'll bail her to your place, if you want them to. All the usual, curfews and daily checks and shit."

"Yeah," Ashley said. She glanced at David, who nodded, "Okay."

"This means you have a criminal in the house," Rose said. "They can knock on the door any time of the night to check she's there. And enter to check."

Ashley looked at David. She wasn't sure. Actually wasn't sure she wanted to live like that.

"It's fine," he said.

"They're serious about this," Rose said. "They'll let her out because I'm speaking up for her, but this is a big deal."

Ashley nodded.

It took another hour before Rebecca was released. Rose brought her through, then stood there looking a bit awkward while Rebecca hugged David.

"Thank you," Ashley said to Rose.

"It's fine."

"Could you come home with us?"

"I don't think I should."

"We all need to talk. About what to do."

"Ashley, I can't. And I'm still on duty."

"Later?"

"Ash, I can't. You need to fix this without me."

Suddenly Ashley was worried. She looked at Rose, and wondered.

"Hey," she said softly, "I'll still see you though, right."

Rose nodded slowly. "We just need to tone things down for a little while, okay?"

Ashley nodded.

*

They went home. Rebecca had sobered up, and seemed to want to eat. She sat with David in the kitchen, and they talked quietly, and Ashley stayed out the way because being a pretend parent had never been her thing.

Rebecca went to bed, and Ashley went and sat with David in the kitchen.

"She'll be all right," he said. "She got a fright, that's all."

Ashley sat there a while, and hugged him. Leaned on him and wanted to tell him it would all be okay.

He needed to know that, and Rose did too. And Ashley was worried about what Rose might be thinking.

She wondered if it was fair to disappear right now. David seemed fine, just a little annoyed with Rebecca. He didn't really need her at the moment, because he never really needed her, not for things like this. He'd been fixing problems on his own for so long it didn't occur to him to ask anyone for support.

Ashley wanted to make sure everything between her and Rose was fine.

"I should go see Rose," Ashley said. "Make sure she's not pissed off about this. If that's okay."

David nodded.

"Is that okay?" Ashley said.

"Yeah, of course."

"I don't have to," Ashley said. "If you want me to stop. If you want it to stop, I can do that. I can never see her again."

"No."

"You really don't care?"

He sighed. "I care a little. I cared a lot less than when you didn't tell me."

Ashley sat there for a while. "I'm sorry about that. I really fucking am."

"I know."

"I don't know what was wrong with me."

"It happens."

"It shouldn't."

"But it does, Ash. To everyone, all the time."

She sat there for a while, thinking. Really thinking about what was going on. "Why did your marriage end?" she said. "I don't think I've ever asked you that before."

"She had an affair," David said.

"Oh," Ashley said. "Shit."

"It wasn't pleasant, but I'm glad she did. It made me better able to cope with yours."

Ashley nodded.

"And beside that. Beside hers and yours, both, what you're doing now is nothing. I don't care at all, if I know about it."

Ashley didn't know what to say.

"And I wouldn't believe you weren't," David said. "If I didn't know what was happening. I'd assume the worst."

"Oh," Ashley said, and finally understood. It wasn't generosity and trust after all, it was cynicism. "And it's a woman," she said. "And that isn't sex. So there's no pride involved."

He shrugged. "Mostly, yes."

Ashley wasn't sure if she should be angry on behalf of everyone who'd ever done what she and Rose did, or just relieved.

She was relieved. She wasn't going to pretend to be anything else.

"You really don't care," she said. "Shit."

"I really don't."

"I'll say it anyway," Ashley said. "Last chance. Final offer. I can stop seeing Rose. I can just stop right now. If you want me to."

"I don't. We had an agreement."

"Even so."

"I'm not asking you to stop. I don't want you to."

She sat there for a while, looking at him, then leaned over and kissed him. "I love you," she said. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I'm glad we can."

"I am too. And I don't think we would be, without this deal."

"Yeah," Ashley said slowly. "I think you're right."

"Go and see her," David said.

"You're sure? You don't want me to stick around tonight?"

"Go."

"Okay," Ashley said. "Thank you. I just want to make sure she isn't as pissed off as she seemed."

"It's fine."

"I won't stay. I'll come back tonight."

David nodded, and watched Ashley get a coat.

"Tell her thanks," he said. "For her help."

"I will."

Ashley went kissed him. "I might stay there a while, okay. So go to bed if you want to. I'll sneak in when I come home."

He kissed her again and said goodnight.

He still didn't seem to mind, and even knowing what she did now, part of Ashley still didn't understand.

*

Ashley knocked on Rose's door, but there was no answer. It was dark, there were no lights on in the house, so she went and sat in her car and waited.

Rose arrived after an hour or so. She didn't seem to see Ashley waiting, just drove up and parked in front the garage. Ashley got out of her car, and walked up the drive, and called, "Hey."

Rose stopped and looked at her. "Hi."

"Still want to see me?"

"What happened to cool it a bit?"

"I waited until you were home from work."

They looked at each other. "I should tell you to piss off," Rose said.

"Probably."

Another silence. "Come inside," Rose said.

Ashley shook her head.

"Why not?"

"I should go back to David. I shouldn't stay and fuck you tonight."

"Okay," Rose said.

"But I want you to know I'm so close to loving you it makes no difference."

"Okay," Rose said again, in a slightly different voice. "Shit."

"So you know. I'll pick David if I have to, but if no-one makes me pick, then I'll love you too."

Rose stood there, and didn't say anything.

"I promised him," Ashley said. "I promised him first."

"I know."

"And neither you nor me want to be with another woman. Not to live with one."

"Maybe," Rose said.

That made Ashley suddenly wonder. How much Rose might have been telling her what she wanted to hear. Whether Rose had been lying all along.

"We'd hate each other in a week," Ashley said. "Being practical. I'm fussy and you smoke. It wouldn't work."

Rose looked at her.

"But other than that," Ashley said. "I want you. I don't want things to change."

"I don't know that's possible."

"What do you mean?"

"I was thinking, that's all."

"Please don't," Ashley said, a little desperately.

Silence.

"Really, please just fucking don't."

"Don't what?"

"Wait before you decide anything, okay?"

Rose didn't answer.

"Just wait," Ashley said.

Rose was looking at her.

"Do you want me?" Ashley said. "Do you want this?"

"Of course. But I don't know if it can work."

"Because of today?"

"Partly because of today."

"Because I'm selfish bitch and there's no hope for us?"

"That too."

Ashley stood there for a while, thinking. "Okay," she said. "I'll change. What do I need to do?"

Rose didn't answer.

"Is there anything more you need from me?" Ashley said. "Do you actually want to settle down and shit after all?"

"Not really."

"Do you? Live with another chick?"

After a moment, "No."

"So this works for you?"

"Yeah, it does."

"Then don't be angry with me. Don't be angry with me because of today. Just leave things as they are."

Rose was silent for a long time.

"Please," Ashley said. "I really, really fucking want you in my life, but it can't be any way but this."

"I know."

"And you don't want anything else anyway."

"I know."

"So don't stand there acting like there's a fucking problem here. Just tell me we'll be okay so I can go."

Rose sighed. She looked uncertain, like she couldn't decide. Then she said, "I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

Ashley nodded. "Okay."

"We can do this. It's all I want."

"Thank you," Ashley said. "Fuck, thank you."

"But no more shit like today. I have a career too, and it doesn't need that all over it."

"I promise."

Rose nodded.

"Are we okay?" Ashley said.

"We're okay."

Ashley went over, and kissed her, quickly. Kissed her, and then made herself step back. Made herself go.

"Hey," Rose said, as Ashley got to her car. "You're so close to loving me it makes no difference?"

Ashley stopped, and turned back around. "Does it change anything?"

"Not really."

"Then yeah, I am."

Rose nodded. "You've never asked why I don't want a girlfriend."

"Okay, why?"

"Chick shit annoys me. And I don't want someone at home worrying if I've been hurt at work."

Ashley thought about that, and decided it made sense. Decided a lot about Rose made sense, given that.

"I'd never thought to worry," she said. "Shit."

Ashley stood there, and wondered if she should go back to Rose. Go back and hug her, and kiss her, and drag her inside for a quickie.

"Go," Rose said. "It's fine."

Ashley nodded.

"And Ash," Rose said. "Me too, okay? About being so close it makes no difference."

Ashley looked at her, and wanted to go over and kiss her. If she did, she knew, she'd be going inside, and she'd told David she'd come back soon. She had to go.

"We're really fine?" she said. "You're really not going anywhere?"

"Nowhere," Rose said. "Come back tomorrow."

"Thank you," Ashley said, and got in the car, and started the engine.

She left the window closed, so they couldn't talk any more, and drove away as quickly as she could. Rose stood and watched her and raised one hand, a half-wave, as Ashley left.

There might not be much of a future for them, but the present was enough, Ashley decided. If Rose could stand what they had, and David could stand her having it, then life for Ashley was pretty close to perfect.

# # #

Hi, this is Tess, who wrote this story.

I hope you enjoyed it. And thank you for reading!

If you'd like to read some more, here's how!

So mostly, I write short fiction, and usually when each story is finished I put it up here at Smashwords, or here on my website, and also at a place called Wattpad. Those are all free to read or download from, by the way.

Then, when enough single stories are written to make an anthology, everything recent is collected together into an anthology book to sell.

But just to be really, completely clear, so no-one is upset when they realize later on - the anthology books collect the same stories as are already around the place for free. Exactly the same! So if you would like to buy a book, I would really appreciate it, and that would be fantastic! But please don't feel obliged! Because if you'd rather try reading things first, or would just rather not pay for whatever reason, then please don't!

So if you would like to have a look at the anthologies, they are this one, this one, and this one. Otherwise, there are single ebook stories here.

And either way, thank you for reading!

