

### Obsession: Warm Bodies, Cold Hearts

### By

### Rachel E. Rice

Copyright © 2011 by Rachel E. Rice

Smashwords Edition  
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced without written permission, except for brief quotations to books and critical reviews. This story is a work of fiction. Characters and events are the product of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This eBook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Rachel E. Rice and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

### Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1  
Chapter 2  
Chapter 3  
Chapter 4  
Chapter 5  
Chapter 6  
Chapter 7  
Chapter 8  
Chapter 9  
Chapter 10  
Chapter 11  
Chapter 12  
Chapter 13  
Chapter 14  
Chapter 15  
Chapter 16  
Chapter 17  
Chapter 18  
Chapter 19  
Chapter 20  
Chapter 21  
Chapter 22  
Chapter 23  
Chapter 24  
Chapter 25

Books by Rachel E. Rice

### Prologue

I confess. I'm a gambler. No bet is too high or too low. No game is out of reach. My friends tell me that I live on the edge, yet I continue to gamble. My biggest gamble to date is on men; and I love every thrill, every beat, and every rhythm that my heart can stand!

I know what you want to tell me, but I'm not listening, and before you judge me, hear me.

Life imitates art.

The room swirls from the smoke and the heat of bodies. It's well past midnight and into Saturday morning. I'm sitting at a poker table pretending I'm a worldly woman, while peering at the outside world. I glance at the dealer's animated face; the look on his face is that of a stripper giving a lap dance to her three hundredth customer.

I turn to my right, and there is a young woman sliding in from an early morning tryst with a boyish round face lover. The young man's hands are tethered to the belt on her jeans encircling her waist, symbolizing his ownership of all she possessed dear—her virginity. I can still see the waning of this young woman's patience; she cannot catch that rich available man to add to her trophy case, to display beside all the sorry bums accumulated in her short life.

I see a matured woman pulling at her dress as if it's covered with mud; she totters like a drunken sailor trying to hide the spoils of her life, an older woman with a younger man clinging to her purse. I see all the men, young, old, and in between, strolling with their trophies and thinking they are immune to the ambushes and emotions that befell Samson (Samson and Delilah).

Saturday morning is wild in Las Vegas, and I am playing a game of chance –No Limit Texas Hold'um. I'm the only woman at my table. I'm surrounded by a posse of beautiful men from different corners of the world, and I'm enjoying every minute of their attention. I know their faces well—not a joker among them. I've seen them before and now I get to see behind their facades.

There are secrets buried in their closets like bodies in shallow crypts, waiting for a good rain—the eyes told the story. You know it's said somewhere that the eyes tell it all.

I hold the two cards they all need. The wager is huge, and the winner keeps everything. It is life or death for me, and any lost at this point would signal the end. I could never recover. So, to win, I have to peer into the hearts, minds, and souls of these outrageously handsome men.

How do you get so many good-looking men at one table I wondered? I glanced at the cool calm executive with the steel gray eyes. He appeared to be a pushover. I knew I could take him. His name is Robert. Next to Robert sat Phillip—rich, tough, and a good-looking actor who could spend me under the table and probably fuck me there too.

Sitting to the right of Phillip are two bountiful breathtaking brothers; I would have fallen to my knees and given them both a perfect blow job, married them, and gladly gone to jail for bigamy had they looked in my direction.

Next to the twins sat a distinguished professor named Michael. He focused his eyes on the prize—the money and me. I knew I had him when he smiled at me. The dealer bet last; his card sailed out as if it had wings. My nerves came unhinged, and my hands shook. We were coming to The Showdown; then a phone began to ring—"Who the hell left their phone on? Can't they put it on pulse or something?!" I shouted, "I won! I won!"

Mike stood, put his hands inside his pockets, turned, winked, and strode in the direction of the pool. Robert nervously put his hands on the table, pushed his seat back, stood, looked at everyone, and then sat.

Phillip, so handsome, so self-assured, fiddled with his expensive watch, turning it around his wrist twice, with his eyes never escaping mine he placed his hands to his collar, flicked it up, shuttled a wicked grin across his face, asked for more chips, then said, "When you're in the rain and you're soaked, what's another raindrop?"

Jeremy adjusted his aviator glasses, showed no emotion as he exited the room. His twin brother, Danny, "Oh Danny." What a young, sensual, handsome, and impetuous child-like-man of twenty. He eased out of his chair. My eyes followed his long legs as he strode to where I sat. He took my hand, kissed it, and flashed a pair of green eyes only a painter's canvas could capture in full sun light. Then he smiled, and I fell in love when he led me from the table.

I turned around like Lot's wife. There stood specters, ghost of men coming and going, populating my life.

Yet I have just begun to live!

Chapter 1

Leaving Las Vegas

Some phones ring with a pulse, and some ring with chimes. I hear the peal of a bell and I stumble into reality. Then I realize it's the sound of the phone in my bedroom blaring through the rain and thunder.

It's another early agonizing Saturday morning, and I'm wishing Danny would call. He's working his ass off in Hollywood. I'm now the writer for an influential women's magazine, W.O.W., which stands for Women of the World. There I meet and interview eligible bachelors on their thoughts of what men really want from women. I haven't discovered that yet, and I doubt that any man knows or will ever tell.

The men I interview command the attention of women the world over, because they are successful, rich, and are able to demand pleasure. These men are attractive and shrewd, belonging to an exclusive club. Nevertheless, none could turn me on like Danny. I wouldn't let any man into my soul, my body—only Danny. I could not think or concentrate on anyone. I wanted him.

Men became just toys to me, to play with, break, and discard. That's how I lived my life, and that's how I wanted it to remain until I met Daniel McCloud.

I'm blinded by love. I'm sick. I can't seem to see anyone, feel anything when the object of my affection is not with me. I don't know where emotions materialize. Is it in the mind? Is it physical? Who cares! All I know is I'm possessed, and I need an exorcism.

These feelings kept framing my thoughts, and my mind continued to deceive me—but not my body. I'm hot for him, and I love him. His voice is intoxicating, where I become drunk with passion. My days are spent stumbling around not eating or hearing the voices of others.

I reached for the phone, struggling through pillows that simulate a body to remind me that I'm not alone—knocking over lamps and pictures, hoping the call is from Danny!

Before I could say hello, "Hi Sydney, how's that beautiful body?" Danny said in an erotic whisper. "I get off just looking at your pretty face, those brown eyes, and those luscious full lips. You're more than a man could want or hope for, and that body drives me insane. Tell me you're mine," he stated, reaching my soul and wringing it dry with his lyrical voice.

"I'm yours and you know it." I said what he wanted, and my pulse began to race, then my mind took flight.

"Now tell me what you want when I come to you," Danny said, sounding excitingly horny.

"I want you to kiss my nipples, caress my body with those hands, and moisten my lips with your tongue."

"Yes, yes," he murmured asking for more.

"Devour my body with your kisses, take my body beyond its limits, and drive me to my crisis. Make love to me the way you have dreamed," I stated.

I taught Danny how to satisfy my sexual cravings and fantasies, and now he enjoyed the ritual as much as I enjoyed him performing it. However, our intense lovemaking created the worse jealousy in both of us the longer he stayed away. When we recovered from phone sex, he remembered why he called.

"Guess what baby?" He stated all excited.

"I don't want to guess at this hour, just tell me," I said impatiently hoping he was returning to New York.

"I want you to guess," he begged.

"Well, have you stop drinking and smoking? You know those things are not good for you," I said trying mothering.

"I know, I know, no I haven't stop drinking. I just don't do it as much. If you were with me, I wouldn't smoke or drink at all."

"You don't love me anymore," I blurted out.

"No, that's not it but you are getting close."

"Don't say that Danny!"

"Well, you started it baby; you know I don't mean that."

"I didn't start this you started with this stupid guessing game."

"Okay baby, one more guess," he said overlooking my impatience.

"You're standing at my door, and you're going to rip my clothes off, throw me on the floor and ravish me," I said half joking, and wishing it were true.

"No baby, but that is a thought for the next time. I've been nominated for a Golden Globe award and I'm going to celebrate! I want you to meet me in Las Vegas at the Wynn Hotel."

"I knew you would get it! You work so hard, but I thought we would go to Venice and have gondolas ferry us through the canals, not go to a hotel in Las Vegas."

"We could go to the Venetian Hotel instead?" he said laughing.

"I don't think that's funny. Las Vegas is not romantic."

"What do you mean? People go there every day to get married," he stated. "I know I promised you we would go to Venice together when I started to make some money. I have the money, but not the time."

"You have already gone to Venice and not with me," I said pouting.

"I know Sydney, but that was business and besides, you said you weren't going anywhere with me in Europe on business. I can't go to Italy now. I have to meet my producers at Caesars in Vegas."

"I have money and I can pay for the trip." I continued not hearing anything he said.

"It's not the money and you're not paying for anything," he yelled. "Shit woman, I don't want you to give me anything. I want to give you something. Why do you think I'm taking every picture that's offered me? I love you, and I want to marry you woman," he shouted in his Scottish brogue.

"Marriage? Did I hear you?"

"We'll talk about marriage when I see you. Ok? I have something for you. I bought it in Italy." Danny didn't want to talk about it any further. He made up his mind and that was that.

How could that be Ok? Marriage was the last thing I thought about. I guess I could be content living and loving Danny but not marry him. I wanted to tell him I thought it would be difficult to marry him. I could love him and be a part of his life—I liked our arrangement.

"Well, are you going to meet me?"

"Of course," I started thinking with my heart.

"I don't want to be with anyone but you at this moment in my life," Danny said.

How much life had he lived? He was only twenty. I've only known him one year and saw him a few times when he flies in from Los Angeles.

What does that matter? I asked myself. He wants me and I want him in the worst way. What I need to do is pack my bags, and put all questions and idle thoughts away for now, before I ruin everything.

"Yes, I'll meet you," I mumbled half dazed

from waking up early from a tired dream laden sleep.

"Alright baby, I'll send you a ticket and money. Goodbye baby. I love you. Close those sexy brown eyes, and go back to sleep."

Bye baby, I love to hear him call me baby. Those words were so sweet that I would play them in my mind over and over. I fell deliriously back to sleep like a kitten that just corralled her first bird and didn't know whether to eat it or make it a best friend.

The next morning I called my friend Heather who lives in Houston, Texas—I needed advice.

"Heather this is Sydney, guess what? Danny called," I announced, not allowing Heather to answer and sounding like a girl with her first boyfriend.

"I told you he would, see, and you were afraid he wasn't thinking about you. How could he not think of you? You're beautiful, and he knows it. You have to stop thinking about all the issues of age, older women with younger men. You're only twenty-five. You make it sound like he's a teenager. He's twenty and you know how those actors are. They grow up early. Times they are a changing my dear; women out live men—so you two can die together," she said laughing at her own words.

"I don't think that's funny," I said, feeling depressed.

"I wasn't trying to be funny. I was trying to be practical. What is wrong with you? I remember when you use to have a sense of humor," Heather stated, showing concern for my behavior.

"I don't need that kind of talk. I need advice Heather. Danny wants to marry me. He's lost his mind. He's too young."

"Well it's up to you to provide his education and broaden his horizons if you know what I mean," Heather said with a chuckle. "He hasn't lost his mind you have lost yours.

"I don't want to hear that," I stated angrily.

"You don't want to hear the truth? The truth will set you free kiddo. You want to suffer, you want to feel a little pain, well, and don't you think you experienced enough of that with your marriage to that pervert... Mike. You're not happy unless you are suffering, then suffer on; you'll have a lot of time for that. Danny has been loving and kind, and you can't believe it. You can't believe that a man as young as he would know what he wants. He wanted a career as an actor and he did it; now he wants you and that's what he's going after. He knows what he wants girlie, you don't!"

I tried to interrupt and Heather talked over me as if hearing only her own words. So, I let her finish.

"Why do you want to think about the past, the most important thing in life is happening now and in the future? You don't want to give him a chance because of your past. You want to let age be a factor in your life. Well let me tell you, age has never been a factor in a man's life."

"Men go after the prettiest and youngest women they can put their hands on and it doesn't bother them in the least that the women are ten years or twenty years older or younger. Here you are a vibrant, beautiful young woman with money, a young man loves you, and trying to give you his riches, and you are saying, what if. What if the world ends? The way things are going, we all might not live past tomorrow. What if he decides never to see you; are you going to be happy in your pain? Think about these questions. Does Danny satisfy you sexually?"

"Yes."

"Does he show you how much he loves you?"

"Yes."

"Does he put anyone before you?"

"No."

"Does he have money, and does he give it to you?"

"Yes, yes, yes."

"Then what the hell is wrong with you? Besides, you're not the first "cougar," that actress what's her name married her young man."

"Yeah where are they now?" I said with bitter strength.

"You are wasting my time." She paused but I knew there was more to come. Heather gave me an earful, and then hung up the phone. I guess she was tired of my complaints, and I probably exhausted her with my stories. Then maybe she just didn't want to hear what I called problems. Maybe she was having problems in her own life, and my problems didn't amount to a hill of beans.

The next day, a large amount of money was wired into my checking account. Surprised by how much Danny sent, I didn't want to accept it—but I did. I remembered what Heather said about money. If a man gives you money, don't take it unless you love him. Because when a man parts with his money, he's parting with his heart and soul. If he gives you all he has, he loves you, and you should never play with a man's heart, mind, and money, in that order.

I should have remembered that.

* * * *

I decided to buy new clothes and visit my friend Steven's salon. I met Steven at Tracy's apartment last year when I first moved to New York. Steven said he would accompany me on my shopping trip and give me pointers on my quest for the, "Illusion of beauty."

Steven was a man denying his sexuality. He enjoyed the attention and company of women but wanted and craved men. He's handsome, tall, dark, and a beautiful spirit. His mysterious light brown eyes saw plenty in his thirty years.

He wore the most expensive clothes, because he said he owed it to his public to look like a million dollars. And he did. I knew he owned a salon on Fifth Avenue, but I didn't think he made enough to afford his life style—until I visited his salon last year to get a bikini wax, a manicure, the works. I then became aware of how he could afford the apartment overlooking Central Park and the little gray Porsche roadster setting in the garage for weekend rides out of the city.

Steven's traits are that of a salesman who could charm a rattle snake out of his rattle. He convinced me to submit my body to the removal of all my pubic hair. I heard of a Brazilian wax, but never understood what it entailed. I sat exposed, as a total stranger peered into my private area surveying, and no doubt, achieving pleasure from the excruciating pain that I endured. That experience at his salon cemented our friendship.

* * * *

I met Steven at an outdoor café on the upper east side of Manhattan. He knew about Danny and I, and he was jealous, flaming jealous. After the waiter finished checking out Steven and locking eyes with him, he looked me up and down and decided that I wasn't a threat. He decided to seat us. Before I could get comfortable in chairs that weren't made for comfort, Steven began to grill me.

"Sydney, tell me about that gorgeous green eyed sexy Brit of yours," Steven said salivating over his words and not the food. He expected to hear all sort of juicy gossip.

"What is there to tell? I'm sure Tracy told you everything you needed to know." Tracy a college friend introduced me to Steven.

"Danny is in Los Angeles and Canada filming. He's finished, now he is up for a Golden Globe, that's it," I said not giving him what he wanted.

"All I want to know is... are you going with him?"

"Going with him where Steven?" My thoughts were aimlessly straying.

"To the Golden Globes... lady."

"I don't think so; he hasn't asked me. And I don't want to spoil his chances."

"You don't want to spoil his chances; spoil his chances for what? Girl you have a lot to learn. Did you just come across the border or fall off a turnip truck? You're going to let that man go alone to one of the biggest events in Hollywood, and let the world think he is available?"

"I don't like to suffocate a man, and besides, his agent may have someone they want him to bring."

"You don't like to suffocate a man, well that is the first stupid thing I've heard today, and you beat out Tracy with her stupid nonsense yesterday. Tracy informed me that she didn't see anything wrong with her husband's ex-wife living in the basement of their home. Is there a full moon or something?" Steven said raising his voice, snapping his fingers, shaking his head, and gesturing with his hands.

The waiter must have thought Steven had signaled him to take our order because he showed up and plopped two glasses of water on the table with a sliver of lemon in each one.

With a bored and snobbish look, his nose in the air, and a perfected English accent, the waiter made a suggestion of what we should order. We didn't want to hurt his feelings, nor have him rehearse for a part in a play, so we agreed to his recommendations, if only to get back to our conversation.

Steven peered at me for a few minutes waiting for an answer to the question he posed before the waiter interrupted, and then realizing that he wasn't going to be satisfied, he questioned, "Are you crazy?" Steven shouted so loud that the couple at the next table glanced over, and the haughty waiter put his finger over his lips and said, "Quiet."

"I'm not crazy Steven. I know what I'm doing."

"You think you know, you don't know men," he said, as if he had a patent on what men want. The waiter brought our Caesar salads and wine, and then paused long enough to hear Steven.

"You are making a big mistake. You better grab that man and suck his cock like I know you know how, and never let him out of your sight," he said laughing and enjoying the sound of his words.

The waiter left blushing after tucking his card under Steven's glass of wine.

"Steven please! Finish your meal."

"Sydney you are hopeless," he stated, stuffing salad into his mouth. "Honey I might try him. I bet I could turn him out."

Steven you can't control that supposedly straight man you are dating. How do you expect to tell me what to do with my man?" I needed to shut him up, because I didn't hear what I wanted from him.

"Sydney you need to stop," Steven said, realizing I had hit a home run.

I stared at Steven, gazing into oblivion, knowing that Steven was trying to get a rise out of me.

I continued stabbing my salad with my fork, and trying to make a decision. The "What Ifs" were running through my mind. There I go falling into Steven's trap, and he's sitting there with a joker's grin plastered on his face.

My mind was a great big ball of confusion. I felt like screaming. My mind made me a prisoner. I opened Pandora's Box within myself, and now I'm shocked at what I'm finding.

I left Steven at the café to finish his lunch and exchange glances with his future victim. I rushed back to my apartment. It was a mistake talking to Steven because he reinforced all my fears.

I packed my clothes, carried my bags, and walked out the apartment where a cab was waiting. I didn't remember the ride to the airport, or my flight landing in Las Vegas, because my mind was preoccupied. I was having a mental discussion with Danny, a sort of dress rehearsal on what to say to him.

* * * *

Las Vegas

The sound of car horns, people, and slot machines colored the day because all were competing on the same sound wave. I do remember arriving in Las Vegas early Friday morning. I retrieved my bags, walked outside the airport into the soothing heat, and took a car to the Wynn Hotel.

The Wynn Hotel sets on blocks of land that once housed casinos, which welcomed the royalty of old Hollywood. Now young Hollywood comes to party with its millions in new money. The cab took me to the check in for the Tower Suites. Bentleys and Mercedes lined the colorful careful manicured driveway.

Walking through an endless maze, I finally found my way to the check in counter. After a gracious greeting, doors opened, and I strutted toward the registration desk. All eyes followed me, because I looked gorgeous in my white Valentino pantsuit that Steven so carefully selected. I asked him if he could find a more expensive pantsuit. Steven's feelings were hurt before he realized that I was kidding, because that suit cost a small fortune.

I sauntered to the desk, and explained to the little cute girl standing at an impressive counter, that there is a reservation for five days in the name of Danny McCloud.

"Danny McCloud, he is so sexy! Will he be here too? I can't wait!" Stated the young woman in a high pitch excited girly voice, too young to be dressed in a pale beige conservative suit. She glanced at me trying to act important and sophisticated. I had known her type because I was once that type. Pretending to be a woman of the world, nevertheless, she had more living to do to meet those standards.

This is a pretty girl of eighteen, who melted at hearing Danny's name. I gave her a half smile and sauntered away.

The bellman escorted me to the room and it impressed me. It was just like Danny to give me the best, even when he had very little money, but now he's a star, and according to reports, making in the eight-figure range.

I unpacked, showered, ordered something to eat, because by then I was hungry. I ate, slept, and woke to see lights and stars become a part of the room's décor.

Placing a beautiful sheer cream negligee near the bed to stimulate Danny's imagination, I waited for my love, my life.

My body lay bare under the sheets.

It was a hot day, about an hour after midnight when I felt his kiss on my cheek, his warm hands caressing my breast, his fingers easing throughout my body—from my head, buttocks and legs. His breathing was intense as his hands and mouth moved along my skin. I felt his breath; it vibrated like a heartbeat.

Danny leaned over me. I gazed into his handsome face and lost myself once again in those emerald eyes. He gently turned my body over and began kissing my back and buttocks. His tongue and fingers danced through every sensual pore, and goose bumps showered my skin from the tantalizing massage. My legs became rigid as the blood flowed throughout my body, and every hair on my head tingled. He only stopped long enough for both of us to catch our breath.

"Oh! Oh! Oh!" were the only words I could ease through my lips.

"Hello beautiful," he said smiling softly. "How long have you been here?" he asked trying to gain control of his body. "No don't answer. I'll be right back," he whispered in my ear.

I heard the water flowing, and I tiptoed out of bed. I walked into the shower with him. He turned to face me, and I saw the look in his eyes, a hungry look. I knew my body excited him, so I sashayed closer and closer to him. I turned his body around and began to wash his back. I lay my head on his neck and kissed it slowly and passionately. I took my hands, placing them around to the front of his chest, touching each hard ripple. I rubbed against his hard butt. He turned to face me with a smile on his face and there he stood in all his glory—with his body welcoming me with a hard erect penis, and he said, "Look what I have for you."

I knew he was ready and would spill his life inside me; he was hot and full just from looking at my body, but he wasn't going to let me control him, at least not yet. He wanted to enjoy every second of our erotic lovemaking.

Danny's hands reached for my arms and brought me to his body, and his wonderful head moved to kiss my firm breast as my nipples pulsated with his touch. A floodwater rushed out of me.

He opened my legs and felt me to check my heat and moisture. Steam was rising. Danny turned off the shower, and I sat on the bench exposing all for him to see. He bent down and crouched between my legs hungry for my body.

I didn't want my orgasm just yet, so I pulled his face to mine, looked starry-eyed, and then kissed his chest, kissed his mouth. I stood. He followed me. I glanced at him and walked out of the shower, showing off what Danny called a "great piece of ass," while knowing he was out of his mind with intense passion and looking for a payoff.

I heard a door closing, and then moments later, I felt his naked body glide next to me in bed. I felt warmth radiating from his every pore. I felt excitement over take him, and his breathing heightened.

I sucked his neck hard while placing bruises that would take weeks to erase. Then he moved down my body and he lay kissing my breast for hours. I kissed his chest as I held his wet hot penis. Every portion of his body wanted me. I used my tongue, mouth, and hands with accuracy. I was gliding over his hot body and not missing any portion of the landscape. The landscape was beautiful—it was strong and yielding.

His body overflowed and he shouted. His groans of excitement gave me a glorious feeling, where I became excited at the stunned look on Danny's face. I wanted to give him what he had given me, because I was thirsty and hungry for him. He reached his climax again, and again he overflowed out and in my body as he held me next to him with a look of amazement.

"You are the only woman that has ever created this kind feeling in me. I'm never going to let you go."

"What if I died?" I said playfully.

"Then I'll die with you."

No, I said to myself, this is crazy, this sounds too serious. I had inadvertently created a situation I couldn't handle; yet I was dizzy with the power I had over Danny.

What does he mean the only woman? All sorts of thoughts rushed through my unstructured mind. Consumed with glory and conquest of this young man caused arrogance and stupidity on my part.

"I've never been able to reach an orgasm like that. You are the only woman that can make me feel the way I do," he admitted, as if I had given him a new toy he could cherish forever and ever.

"I don't want to think of you doing this with any man. I want to be the only man in your life," he said with a look that shook the foundation of my soul.

He had to be kidding; he was the only man in my life—the only man in my dreams who could cancel my thoughts of all men. Who would have thought, after past years, I had found that I wanted to pleasure a man, and satisfy him repeatedly, only because of his love of me, and my love for him.

We spent all night loving each other, giving each other what we needed and discovering what we could do to arouse each other. We were totally exhausted. What are some positions men and women use to engage in sex? I asked. Kamasutra has many positions—well we tried them all. Every part of my body ached with pleasure.

I fell into a deep sleep and I began to dream. It was a strange dream; I was still married to Mike, and he brought Danny to the house to have a threesome. There I was with my husband Mike, and he insisting I have sex with Danny, a stranger.

Danny and I began having sex, as Mike watched regretting his decisions. We enjoyed each other and forgot everything and everyone. We were lost in each other's bodies. Then Mike became enraged as he stood over Danny and me.

I looked up and I started screaming; Stop! Mike No! I woke relieved that none of this was true and Danny was indeed my true love.

Heather with her infinite wisdom and superstition says that if you dream of death that means life. I realized that I'm in this wonderful place with a gorgeous, exciting man, and the nightmare of my first marriage was over, and I'm free for the moment.

Danny drunk too much wine and didn't hear me cry out. Thank goodness!

I lay on top of Danny as he sleeps; I'm his security blanket, and he's my teddy bear. We finally had the things we couldn't live without. We were children again who couldn't endure a separation from the ones we love, and we were the only two people in our world.

The curtains were closed to keep the world out, and there lay the man of my dreams.

I'm suddenly reminded of the song by Westlife: Flying Without Wings: "It's waking up beside you to watch the sunrise on your face, to know I can say I love you in any given time or place."

I'm flying without wings. I exposed my life to Danny. Life can be like a kaleidoscope with endless colorful dreams. Dreams unfulfilled are useless and can be a nightmare, but dreams can also be a way to make life bearable.

I use to have only my dreams, but now for the moment I have Danny. He's a movie star and some women would give up husbands to make love to him. Here I am lying next to him, and I am breathless, speechless, and mindless!

We lay together in this enchanted room filled with flowers and amenities of the rich and famous. We lay together in an enormous suite, with fine wine, maids, and concierge service to satisfy our every whim and fancy. "There is nothing too good for my baby," he stated proudly. We needed nothing that night but the bed and shower.

Now it's early in the morning, and I see the sun glancing through the heavenly silk, ivory drapes that surround the scenic window, as if positioned in front of a stage, separating the actors from the audience. The performances began early that night, and finally ended. The curtains are closed and the actors have taken their bows.

I woke feeling a sense of apprehension and emptiness, which was of my own creation. I was constantly thinking about the differences in our ages, and I became insecure. I couldn't get pass the thought that a difference in age with my husband Mike, who was fifteen or twenty years older than me had affected and almost ruined my life before I met Danny.

I silently moved with the grace of a cat to open the curtains, so as not to disturb Danny. The sun rose just above the mountains in a distance. I could see and feel the Las Vegas sun showering its warmth on my man. The beam from the morning sun created a spotlight on that handsome figure.

I crept back into the bed to feel the desire of his body one more time. I hugged him and melted into his body. His body presented a feeling of emotions that hadn't been revealed. The occupation of my mind with past emotions concerning men, led a search around the room for the answers to the puzzle I was constructing.

My eyes landed on pillows strewn all around a wonderfully soft bed that would not want anything to touch its surface but soft white delicate silken sheets, and bodies in heat.

Clothes lay streaming along the floor like a tide had come and washed them away then leaving them as it receded.

There were clothes torn from bodies willing to make the sacrifice for lust. These were clothes of individuals, who put time and money into their selection to entice and excite the senses. A man's leather jacket made to caress a body that deserved adornment. Shirts thrown, cascading over a beautiful soft pink lace bra and panties to fit a small body. There lay expensive jeans to fit the physique of my Greek God.

My panties so sheer as to give the appearance of an absence of their intention, but make no mistake, their intentions were clear. I bought these garments to entice, to involve, to create an illusion, and masquerading my flaws— that of a desperate young woman loving a beautiful naive young man.

Lying close, Danny slept clutching my thong as if caught up in the allure of my scent. As he turned, I could see a quiet sexuality. A man at the height of his sexuality, not understanding his craving for sex, wanting sex, driven by passionate sex, and reeking with sexual desire.

A man not knowing the effects of the strength of his sexuality, what many women crave and dream of all their lives. Yet there I had him—all of him, and he didn't even know that he was beautiful!

He's a private peaceful man who found solace in only a few people. A man who needed the love I gave and the love he gave me. His body strong with a firm chest and arms created by nature and set affix for the world to behold. Arms so full and firm, that when held, you never want to release your hold on him for fear of never touching them again.

These qualities alone did not fashion the man I'm in love with. His face is a heart stopper, tanned from the recent sun, dark curly hair with sideburns cut short, and a wisp of light that nature painted so graciously.

His eyes are deep green. I could leap into them and roll on endlessly as if I were a child in a field of clover. His mouth covered sumptuous white teeth that said bite me, bite me anywhere, and his kiss was a promise of more to come.

His smile made me feel as if I could never share him with anyone, and his voice set my heart on fire; fire that was continuous and full of embers never to extinguish. When he spoke I could hear the Scottish and English accent he tried to mask, in favor of an American accent he thought everyone wanted to hear—not I. His accent is his charm.

He is twenty years old, some woman's son. You could see she put pride, joy, and all her emotions into his body and soul. I on the other hand am twenty-five. He never suspected that I am older and I have been feeling guilty ever since I met him and fell in love with him. How could I marry a man where I am full of life's experiences? He was at a disadvantage. How could I take those years from him? Maybe if I ended it now I could save myself some heartache. He could forget me in time. Would I forget him?

My mind was unfamiliar with all the choices or lack of choices I had to make in a few seconds.

I'm a woman at the pinnacle of her sexual prime. I have finally discovered my true sexual happiness. A sexy beautiful woman I hear, why else is he with me and not someone else? I consoled myself not wanting to know the truth.

My insecurity was killing me!

My face is soft with a natural blush. Steven says I am alluring, and that I have a drop-dead gorgeous body. I have always been pretty, easy on the eyes, attracting many different types of men. I guess you could say every man's type. I have honey brown eyes and long dark brown full hair. My voice is easy on the ear. I never show my impatience for people or things that displease me. I laugh easily and cry when I'm sad.

I glanced once more at the man whom I love and desire; should I tell him I think I'm not right for him and leave? Should I just steal away with the sound of his voice singing in my mind?

I remembered a poem by Robert Burns, a poem he recited when I first met him in New York, just before we made love, and later when he fell to his knees and asked me to marry him. I laughed with pleasure to see this beautiful young man make a fool of himself.

O my Luve's like a red, red rose,

That's newly sprung in June:

O my Luve's like the melodie,

That's sweetly play'd in tune.

I rose to leave the bed, and my love reached over to touch me, to give security that I was still at his side. I fell into his eyes and I drowned in his lips once more when he reached to kiss me.

"Where are you going?" He questioned. "You're not taking another shower I hope. You take more showers than anyone I ever met."

Danny didn't know that the showers were a way to erase my pain. Every soothing water drop erased a memory of Mike. "No Danny, I'm closing the curtains."

"Get back in bed. We have all day," he insisted half asleep. "I miss you when your body is not near me. I want to feel your warmth, and I like your smell."

"I miss you too, Danny," I admitted, holding back tears.

"I haven't finished what I started, we have all day and I have something special for you," he repeated. He smiled and flashed those wonderful teeth that kept me fixed and motionless whenever he spoke. When I look into his eyes and his mouth, I can't move. I'm hypnotized.

I waited long enough to relieve his apprehension of me not being close to him. I lulled him into a false sleep. I wrapped myself in his jacket and held it close, to smell his scent.

I stared at the handsome young man dreaming of me; then I sneaked out of the room, and out of his life like a thief, wandering around, place to place, taking valuables, using them, and discarding them at will, because I didn't pay a price for their acquisition.

He gave his love to me easily I rationalized. Why else would I do such a thing? I didn't like myself at the time, so I couldn't understand why he would love me.

I moved like a cat in the night, not wanting to be seen and too quick to capture. I cried and shivered as if I had lost a thousand years and had only one day left on this earth.

I walked out on Danny, and I said words he did not hear, I said words that danced in my mind and left my body weak. I spoke the ending to his favorite Burns's poem as he lie sleeping wrapped in my scent.

And fare-thee-weel, my only Luve!

And fare-thee-weel, awhile!

And I will come again, my Luve,

Tho' 'twere ten thousand mile!

I knew I wouldn't be back, because I'm a coward, and I couldn't face that he might see me differently. I walked out of his life into a life I had constructed before I met him. I walked back into looking for what I had already found and leaving what I could not face—having him replace me with another woman one day.

* * * *

How am I to go on? How am I to manage the hours of the day? As I stole from my life and Danny's, I walked out the door of our room into the elevator of the Wynn Hotel.

I was a Dead Man Walking. I had to walk through the casino, past shops and restaurants, and a maze of people to get to the taxi stand. It was the longest walk of my life. That instant my phone began to ring and all my fears appeared. What should I do? Should I answer the phone? "Come on stupid," a voice played in my head. That's not Danny's ring. No, it wasn't Danny. It was my friend Heather.

"Hi, Heather, what's up?" I tried to sound like my usual self, but I spoke devoid of feelings, empty. I prayed my voice wouldn't reveal my true emotions.

"What's with you, you sound different. How was your night with Danny?"

"What do you mean?" I replied tense and annoyed.

I just sentenced myself to years of endless heartache and pain, I thought. "It sucked," I whispered into the phone.

"You mean you finally sucked his..." Heather shouted in sheer joy.

"That's none of your business!" I shouted as I cut her off. I couldn't believe I said that, because Heather knew everything about me. I have truly lost my sense of humor.

"Listen here missy, don't get fresh with me," Heather said in a restrained voice.

Heather a great friend, educated, well spoken, and always positive. She could see the good in everyone and she never met a man she didn't like. That was until she met Mike. She could make you laugh and cry in an instance with her views of the world.

Heather a shy hearty woman, who lived vicariously through my exploits, and always thought I was the most courageous woman ever, but little did she realize I was nothing but a coward hiding behind a charade of beautiful clothes, education, and going to the gym to mitigate physical aging—which time would eventually steal.

"I'm sorry, I'm feeling sick," I explained.

"You are pregnant." "Oh MY God! Oh My God! You are!" Shouted Heather, caught up in blind ecstasy.

"Shut up for a moment and listen! I'm not pregnant."

"Oh," stated Heather with a disappointed sigh.

"Listen! Listen! I have left Danny."

"You mean you left to take a swim, to get a massage."

"No!" I shouted. "I left him for good."

"Did Danny do something or say something? No he wouldn't," she said answering her own question. "He's not that kind of man. What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything!" I screamed, not caring who was listening.

"You must have done something," she stated accusingly.

"Look I can't talk to you. Bye."

"Sydney don't hang up. You need to talk to someone."

Heather's words didn't reach my ears in time, because my mind was booming with my thoughts. I turned the phone off. I didn't see the hundreds of tourist, or hear the impressive handsome Frenchman engage me in a conversation about the weather, as I stood in line waiting for a taxi. I vaguely remembered anything at the time. I thought it was a dream. I didn't feel the heat of the morning sun scourer my body, turning my face and skin tan until I resembled the girls on the beaches of Brazil.

As I rode to the airport to make my getaway, suddenly jealousy overtook me. I began to conjure up all sort of insane ideas.

What if he met some hot young woman, a showgirl, a party girl, and made love to her to ease his pain? What if she made him feel like I could never make him feel, and he could forget me. What if I can't take the heartache and pain I have decided to put myself through? What if I decide to go back to him? Will he forgive me for leaving?

"Why are you thinking about that now stupid?" I shouted into the air wanting to scream and rush back before he wakes and discover I'm gone. How will he feel when he discovers that I ran out on him? I questioned myself and the answers wouldn't come.

The cabbie began to look in his mirror, because he thought he had an insane woman in his mist. Between the crying and the conversations, I pretty much was insane. I'm insane to leave a man that could promise me the world and deliver.

I didn't know what was wrong with me. I acted on an impulse to flee a situation I couldn't control. I've always been a woman with confidence, who trusted herself, and her decisions. I have made the right decision I thought, trying to find an answer to my riddle.

Danny said he was attracted to me because I was the picture of strength and confidence. Yeah, right! What man looks at a woman and says, "Oh I like her confidence? Well look at me now, a crazy woman talking to herself and too stupid to figure out what everyone around me has— the beautiful, poised, and confident woman is an idiot!" I whispered.

People sense desperation, and I'm a person that could never hide my feelings. The cab driver saw it on my face and said, "Miss calm down, you look like you've been to a funeral, it's going to be all right. Did you lose a lot in Vegas?"

I never answered him, because I lost more than he could imagine, and I would have told him my life story.

I knew I couldn't go back to New York for now, and the magazine would have to function without me. I flew to Houston to get my footing and renew myself.

I needed someone that could ease the pain I created within my soul!

Chapter 2

A night out in Houston—One year before

When do illusion and reality collide? Is it possible to have both or maybe the two ideas can't occupy the same space? The reality of life caught up with me. I made a bad decision, and now I had to pay the price. This time I left all the illusions behind and tried to live in the real world.

* * * *

Robert was a friend whom I met shortly after Mike died. He was a lawyer and had been divorced for a few years. I met him on a double date with acquaintances from work, Zack and Allyson. I knew in an instant that Zack was interested in Allyson, and physically, I was attracted to Robert, Allyson's date. Robert was a fine deliciously handsome man; yet that did not prevent his wife from wanting another man. He is tall and easygoing, but he had the misfortune of his wife leaving him for the doctor next door.

The way doctors' lives are structured, I'm surprised they have the time. Maybe that's what they do when we are waiting in those cold, silent, lifeless, waiting rooms—seduce their next door neighbor's wives.

Allyson, a young woman of thirty, full of gossip, said Roberts' wife and the doctor ran away when Robert was at a conference in San Francisco. Robert devastated and broken before I met him, tried to date with not much success.

Zack and I met Robert and Allyson at an Italian restaurant in Houston that served wonderful food. The décor was expensive and the food was pricy. You could tell Robert had a desire and appreciation for the best food, wine, and women.

Allyson loved to give the appearance that she was a young woman of means and therefore required a man of the same distinction.

Deception appears to be the mask people are wearing when they aren't wearing the mask of perception.

The entire evening Robert was gazing at me, and Allyson eyed my date. She had radar for money. Allyson gestured that we run to the restroom to size up our dates and make adjustments. Her tactics were straight out of high school.

As we entered the restroom, "Sydney, I'm a little uncomfortable with Robert because he's so tall," she said trying to manipulate me. Allyson was five feet one and Robert was six two the same height as Danny, but he was a visual contrast to Danny. Robert dressed in suits and Danny preferred jeans and tees. Danny would only wear a suit on special occasions—a modeling shoot where the attire is provided.

"I think Robert is so good looking, and his height is an asset," I said smiling.

Allyson was the kind of person who didn't care about anyone's feelings but her own. She was ready to ditch Robert for my short rich date. It was all about money with Allison. Money turned her on, because she didn't have any. She was dirt poor as a child and never wanted to want for anything again.

Her dating objectives were clear—date rich, marry rich, and live happily ever after, no matter who she had to fuck. She had that mantra in college. She would seduce any man and kiss a frog until she found her prince—the one who would support her in the fashion that she dreamed.

She met many of her dates at the strip club where she danced nightly to pay for college. The men wanted her to live with them, but they never mentioned marriage.

"Allyson, it's not a problem with me, but wouldn't the guys mind, especially Robert?"

"Don't worry about Robert, I saw the way he was looking at you," she explained convincingly.

"Let me handle everything," she said as she threw her long blond hair to the side and strutted like a stripper preparing for her night on the pole.

The way Allyson operated reminded me of my years with Mike and his sexual manipulations. Allyson handled the exchange of partners like a butcher welding a knife—sharpened to perfection and cutting with precision.

Robert appeared delighted with the exchange, because he did not appear to care for women who drank too much. Allyson was close to a drunk or better, which did not bother Zack in the least. Allyson coyly exchanged chairs. Robert and I became a lonely pair.

Robert offered to drive me to my hotel, which was an hour's drive to the Woodlands from the restaurant. It was a long ride, but Robert didn't seem to mind. He acted as if he had nothing better to do.

"How long are you going to be in town?"

"I don't know, I came to spend time with my family." I just didn't want to stay too close to home. I needed to see some college friends," I said.

"Oh, Zack is a guy from college?" He asked trying to learn more about me.

"No, he is an editor for the magazine that employs me. He's also one of the owners."

"You're a writer? That's interesting. Can I read some of your writing?"

"Yes all you have to do is pick up the W.O.W. magazine.

"I think I will. We're here," he said a little disappointed and surprised at how fast we arrived at the Marriott.

Robert appeared to be a lonely man; a man who seemed to have everything, but you could see he was a man that wasn't loved. His face was sad even when he tried to smile. He reminded me of myself now. So I invited him to my room for more conversation and a drink.

Robert and I became great friends over that one night. I knew we were getting close and I didn't want to get too close to any man soon after a divorce.

He is handsome, available, just the right age, a man in his thirties, but I wasn't interested. I needed to see the world and I needed to grow up. I needed to experience more men to find out what life was about, so I moved to New York. I got what I needed.

* * * *

A Year Later

After leaving Danny, I'm now in Houston to find Robert again, to stave off the love withdrawal. I called Robert on his home phone hoping he was still single. He answered, and agreed to meet me in the Woodlands at the same hotel.

Robert drove up in a new convertible Mercedes. He met me with an air of sophistication and confidence, something I did not see before. There were plenty of signs I didn't see or recognize. He was like a neon sign flashing at a cheap motel on a cold, rainy, lonely night—welcome.

"Sydney, you look wonderful. How did I let you get away from me?"

"Robert you look great too." His eyes follow my every move, and then he hugged me and gave me a burning kiss. After we concluded complimenting each other, he asked me to come to his home and stay as long as I wanted. I took him up on his invitation that very night.

Robert had an enormous home in the River Oaks section of Houston. It sat alone on two acres of property, spacious, expensive, and empty. His house had been empty of furniture and romance since his wife's departure. She took most of the furniture, including their bed. That must have been a blow to him. What kind of woman takes a man's bed to sleep with another man?

I eased some of his pain by telling him that I would help him furnish his home. He thought that this was an encouraging sign. I wasn't being nice, I needed a place to hide, and I hid away hoping no one would find me.

I made myself comfortable and found a room that had a beautiful sleigh bed down the hallway from Robert's bedroom. He still slept in the room he shared with his wife. I think he was holding on to a dream the way I was still holding on to Danny, even as I proceeded to shatter my life.

Robert was happy to come home to find me waiting for him every day. Here I go again stealing a heart and hiding it for later. I had become such a thief of the mind and spirit that I did not know that I was stealing from myself.

Robert didn't ask for love or sex, he said he just enjoyed me being with him. I spent my time cooking and writing. I called Zack to tell him I needed time off from my job, and he gave me all the time necessary, besides, Zack owned the magazine and he owed me a favor. I introduced him to Allyson and I hear they're getting married.

Living at Robert's home no more than a month, I began to feel nauseous, light headed and weak. Every smell made me dizzy. Every thought of Danny made me sick. I felt I had some incurable disease and I was dying of a broken heart. I convinced myself to go to a doctor to take some test. I drove to the nearest medical center in Houston to see a physician friend of Robert.

I didn't know what was wrong. I walked into the office feeling a sense of freedom, but sick. I was sure it was some kind of flu. In Texas there is always flu, the Hong Kong flu, Bird flu, you take your choice.

It had been a month since I walked out on Danny and everything I wanted in life. I didn't want to think about Danny. I didn't want to talk to Danny. I wanted space and time, which Robert gave in abundance. I felt so sick every time I thought about Danny, so I chose not to think. I was in denial and I was happy to postpone the inevitable, thinking and talking to Danny.

Heather was the only person I confided in; I didn't want anyone to think I had been abducted. Tracy from New York called to tell Heather to contact me, because Danny was going crazy looking for me. He hired an investigator to track me down. However, I knew it would be almost impossible to find me because we were so busy talking about sex when he was away and having sex when he came to New York, that he knew little about my family and I knew even less about him—we were only into each other.

An hour passed waiting for the doctor and I was feeling worse, finally the doctor ask to see me. He asked me a few questions, took some tests, and within minutes gave me news that made me feel as if I would scream.

I remember the day, and hour the doctor

said, "You're pregnant."

"You have got to be kidding," I stammered.

"No I'm not, that can't be true, that test has to be wrong," I stated as if I knew something the doctor did not know.

"That is not unusual for a woman of your age."

"Let's see you are about eighteen or twenty right," he said, sounding like a palm reader instead of a doctor.

"No doctor look at my chart, I'm twenty five."

"Oh" said the doctor a bit incredulous.

"You certainly are in good shape."

"Thanks," I said sarcastically.

"You are a very attractive woman," he said looking at me hoping to get lucky.

I thanked the doctor who should have had his license revoked for his remarks.

I walked out of his office stunned. I did not see or hear anything. I was in a daze, and I kept walking. I didn't see the car barreling down on me, until someone grabbed me and pushed me aside. I could have been killed I thought. No, I'm dead!

That was not the worst, "Oh My God" I had never become pregnant in all the time I was married to Mike and I wasn't very careful. Now here I am having a baby for a baby. This is crazy, I reasoned, going out of my mind. What am I going to do? I thought. What can I do? Tell Robert because I'm not going to tell Danny. I can't tell Danny, he wouldn't believe me. No, he would believe me. I'm just not going to do it. "This is crazy, this is crazy," I said over and over as I lumbered to my car.

I had begun my thievery, and now I was trying to figure a way to steal from Robert who has had too much larceny in his life. My mind was trying to figure out a way to tell Robert that I was pregnant for my young lover. I would not tell him how much I loved this man because I knew how Robert felt about me. How was I going to weave this cloth of deceit into a garment of lies to fit Robert? I felt I had time to tell Robert, I would give myself a few months I reasoned. I knew little of the art of reasoning.

A strange thought was to tell him the truth, well some of the truth. Robert came home on Valentine's Day with roses, which reminded me of the roses Danny gave me when we first met. I stood and looked at Robert and I was motionless, transfixed in time.

Danny would send roses often when I lived in New York and he attached a card with one stanza of a poem he loved. He always sent me poetry or tried singing a song as a substitute for what he could not say. The last roses I received from Danny, before I left for Las Vegas, the card said:

"I met a lady in the meads,

Full beautiful, a fairy's child;

Her hair was long, her foot was light.

And her eyes were wild."

—Love, Danny

I recognized that poem; it is La Belle Dame Sans Merci, by John Keats. The beautiful lady without mercy—I read it in college. Was he sending me a message?

"Sydney, Sydney, what's wrong?"

Robert said, snapping his fingers.

"I was just thinking about how beautiful the roses are and how thoughtful," I said with a quiet lie.

"I want you to have them because you don't know how much it means to me to have you here, and someone to be here when I get home." He had this earnest look on his face. I began to see how handsome he is. He has steel blue eyes and a small nose with a broad jaw. His hair is coarse and medium brown, not so much as to make him look cute.

He began kissing me and for the first time I didn't stop him. He reached for my hand and led me to his bedroom with the flowers in hand and we disrobed. He began by touching my shoulder gently. His hands were shaking. His hands moved onto my breast. I lay motionless like a doll and then he smothered me in kisses.

I closed my eyes and my mind traveled. I thought I was with Danny. I wanted to be with Danny. I wanted Robert to be Danny! I opened my eyes and I had to face the moment, I was not making love to Danny, it was Robert.

I held his arms as he lay above me, and I could tell he felt about me the way I felt about Danny; I was in a love triangle. I am transferring my love for Danny to Robert. I held his arms and closed my eyes to feel the passion I missed from Danny. The masquerade as a loving partner, took on a new life and I became good at my deception. I was now a better actor than Danny. I should have been nominated for an Academy Award, because I made Robert feel as if he was the only man in the world.

I tried to reach an orgasm because it had been so easy with Danny. I tried to love Robert because it was so easy to love Danny. I was hopelessly in love with Danny and I had no way out.

Robert could not help me escape. I did not reach satisfaction with Robert. I did not find passionate love for Robert, because my heart was cold for everyone except Danny. Every time I looked at Robert it was Danny, every time I slept, ate, breathed air, it was Danny. I felt as if my life was in ruins because of the carelessly low price I stamped on love.

After I satisfied Robert to the fullest, I was ready to confess. Someone said confession is good for the soul—probably a man who fused lying with confessions.

"Robert I have something to tell you." Robert looked worried. Maybe his wife had uttered the same words after they made love because it struck a familiar cord.

"What is it? Tell me now," he said trying to anticipate my words.

"I'm pregnant for someone," I said expecting a question. He let me speak.

"I found out two months ago and I didn't know what to say to you. When you came home I was so happy to see you, I forgot all about it," I stated waiting for an answer.

Robert did not speak for a long time as he glared into my eyes, but not looking into them, and when he did speak, he said, "I don't see anything wrong with what has happened. You didn't commit murder. You don't have to tell me more. I just want you to be happy, and I'm happy."

I didn't commit murder, really? I murdered any chance for happiness.

"I will take care of you and if you want I will adopt your child, or you can marry me and no one has to know any better." There is that word again, "Marry."

There I go with my mind dancing on dangerous ground. Marry a man I didn't love, a second time, and give the man's baby whom I loved, to the man I didn't love. I must have lost my mind when I entertained the thought. I'm a mental case, and I plead guilty on the grounds of insanity.

I didn't marry Robert Farrell, but I let him adopt my baby. His name became Sean Farrell. I was an idiot masquerading as a sophisticated mature Woman of the World.

WOW!

Chapter 3

Danny awakes alone in Las Vegas

Danny lay on his stomach on the soft sheets that soothed his warm body. He turned over on his back, then moved from one side to the next, trying to get comfortable. He wore a smile of pleasurable peace across his handsome face. He dreamed a happy dream.

He was far away and lost in the pleasures of the past night. Nothing could be more delightful to the spirit than to love, and to receive love—to capture and conquer the heart of the love of your life; he unconsciously thought. He languished in his thoughts of Sydney for a few more minutes. He loved her because she is who she is—her walk, her voice, her hair, her lips—her smell!

It wasn't the wind and the sudden summer rain dragging Danny from his peaceful existence. It wasn't the stranger standing near his bed when he felt a disturbance; it was the lack of air that was present.

The coldness of the room and the omission of warmth in his bed confused his mind. His mind could not grasp the chill of his body. Everything was out of sync, and there was no harmony in his soul. His unconscious mind felt the void of warmth and his eyelids opened.

Danny's hand felt around for the spot where Sydney had lain; he did not believe his senses, he did not listen to his thoughts, he did not follow the spark of intuition that settled on his brain. He chose to overlook the reality for a lie his mind could digest. He dismissed any thoughts he had or could have at that moment in time. He opened his mouth to hear his voice beckon his lover—his life.

"Sydney, Syd, where are you? Come here, I want you, come here, I have something for you," Danny said playfully, while looking at his erection, and the diamond ring he plan to present Sydney. A restless Danny called out to Sydney once again. He wanted to continue their lovemaking, and he knew he would get something special when he presented her with a 10.00ctw. diamond engagement ring.

Danny twenty years old, and his sexuality climbing, wanted to make love to Sydney anytime and anyplace. He was into her in every way and fashion. She only had to say the word and he would devote his life to her.

"I have something for you Syd, get out here," he insisted, sure she was playing games with him.

Danny sat up wiping the sleep from his eyes, looking around watching the sun cast an ominous shadow across his face, blinding him to the figure standing near his bed.

"You want your room cleaned?" The woman said in a distinct Russian accent.

He ignored her, thinking Sydney let her in, "Sydney, Sydney!"

"No one's there, mister."

"No, I don't want my room cleaned. Go! Clean when I'm out!" He motioned to the maid who knew only a little English. He reached for his cell and dialed Sydney's number. He dialed repeatedly, until he decided to jump out of bed to see for himself. Disbelief ran rampant, and it still did not penetrate his brain that she was gone.

His heart skipped a beat, he could not catch his breath, his breathing was slow, and short. He felt as if he was breathing a thousand breaths in that one minute. He needed a drink. He remembered he promised Sydney that he would lay off drinking. It wasn't that easy. When she was with him, he did not need anything or anyone!

Danny walked closer to the bar with his heart pounding, and a feeling of desperation covered him like a thick fog on the Lochs of Scotland. He was in a bad place and he fell into a black hole that did not release him.

He walked slowly to the bar as if tethered with a rope, and something dragging him closer and closer—until there was no room between him and the drink.

He reached for his poison of choice—Scotch. Danny poured it straight, no water—no ice. The heat from the drink replaced the cold feeling that swam across his soul. The warmth intervened in his cold thoughts of Sydney. He began to feel helpless; he gave in to the moment that surrounded him. He drank until he could not drink anymore that day. Finally, he woke to the sound of chimes from the hotel phone.

Danny didn't know who was calling because his senses were dull. He was hoping and praying it was Sydney. He reached for the phone with a weak hand.

"Hey Danny, Max here." It was Max Stein his agent and friend.

"Max, Max good to hear from you."

"What's wrong Danny?"

"I think Sydney left me," Danny said pouring his heart out to anyone who would listen.

"I'm sorry Danny but you have to meet me. I'm at Caesars," Max stated in a business as usual tone.

"I can't go. I have to find Sydney."

"Look Danny, are you going to let that woman ruin your career?"

"She's not just any woman. I love her. She's going to be my wife."

"Do you hear yourself? How is she going to be your wife when she walked out on you and you can't find her? Face it, she doesn't want you, and you don't need her. You are a star, and you could have a long life in this business if you don't fuck this up. There are plenty of women out there."

"Piss off, you don't know what you are talking about, and you don't know her!"

"OK Danny, when you are ready to hear the truth, let me know. In the meantime, if you want to keep your job you'd better get your ass over here tonight. You signed a two-picture deal and if you aren't ready to go back to work, that company will sue you. You know what that will mean—all that money and hard work will get flushed down the toilet."

Danny wasn't listening, his mind could not hold any more—it was full thinking about Sydney. Danny managed to pull together his body to meet Max. The hotel phone rang and rang—it was Max again.

"I'm coming Max!" he shouted and slammed the phone to the floor.

Danny willed his feet out of the chair on to the floor, into his clothes, and then into his shoes. He had no desire for anything but a drink. He could barely dress himself after showering, and he did not shave.

He stood in a dark and lonely place with no light in sight. He had this flaw; it started when he was a teenager, and the day his mother left his father taking only his twin brother Jeremy. He had not seen them since he was twelve years old. Shortly afterwards, at sixteen, his life descended into hell with drinking. Now he was traveling that lonely road again.

Danny lumbered into the elevator taking the same path Sydney walked to leave him. Why was everyone leaving him he thought? He stood in one of the many lobbies of the Wynn Hotel, as he struggled to place sunglasses on his eyes; it was in the middle of the night. His desire was to hide because he did not want the world to know he exists. What did it matter? He was lonely and unloved—a gorgeous hunk of a man, a movie star, and alone again.

He put his hands into his pockets and walked down the long corridor of shops lined on each side of the walkway. People walking were smiling. That should have been me, he thought. Laughter surrounded him but it was not enough to lighten his spirits.

He quietly stepped out of the Wynn at midnight and no one noticed him. He put one foot in front of another, he looked up to see the sky, and the lights that caused excitement that touched everyone but him. Sydney touched his soul, she brought pleasure into his life, and light into his darken heart. He walked slowly, wondering what he could have done wrong. Finally, he reached Caesars.

He took the long route through the shops because he wanted to blend in and have time to think before he entered the bar. He saw a young woman turn to acknowledge that she recognized him. The woman looked and quickly turned her head. Maybe it wasn't Danny McCloud. How could this be Danny? This man looked a mess.

That confident swagger was gone, the walk he had for Sydney that made him feel as if he was the luckiest man in the world—gone. Finally, Danny reached the bar and there sat Max with a young beauty. Danny slumped into the chair with his head bent looking at the floor. He did not make eye contact with Max or Page—he was in a wilderness of pain.

"Danny this is Page, Page Danny." Max said gesturing.

"Your producers left, because I couldn't hold them here any longer. You will have to see them again in L.A."

Danny did not hear Max and he barely noticed the young woman sitting next to him. Her long curvaceous legs made her stance about six feet without high heels, which made her taller than Danny, who is six two. He did not notice her statuesque body, or whether she was pretty or gorgeous, he lacked interest. He was cold.

Page enthralled at the sight of this handsome actor, could not take her eyes off him. She became quiet, listening attentively as Danny and Max talked.

Page lived in New York, and Max represented her at his agency. She is a model and wanted to move into acting. Page was ambitious and willing to do what was necessary to get what she wanted. Her currency was her beauty and other covert behaviors. Her complexion rosy and youthful, a brunette, and at a glance her features were a younger version of Sydney.

Danny sobered up long enough to glance at Page, and during a conversation with Max, he noticed that she resembled Sydney.

Danny remembered thinking that Sydney was older than Page, but Sydney had an innocence about her that was not apparent in Page.

Page was hard, posing as soft, cold trying for hot, outer beauty but no inner beauty. She was a contradiction, so much so, that Danny did not recognize it until it was too late. This was not a flaw in his character; he just could not recognize anything since Sydney disappeared. Page eased up to Danny studying his every mood, like a panther waiting for a prey. She was soon to pounce and eat him alive.

"Can I buy you a drink, Danny?" She purred, looking through his facade.

"No" I don't allow women to buy me. I mean to buy me drinks," he said making a Freudian slip.

Danny didn't notice Page until he drank four glasses of straight Scotch. He did not notice when Max slipped away. He did not notice his steps that took him to Page's room.

"You're beautiful Sydney," he exclaimed in a fog saturated by liquor.

Page never corrected him; she just fed him more Scotch. Then she spoke with her head teetering side to side in a street gesture, "I've got something that's going to get you higher and make you forget this Sydney."

"I don't want to forget Sydney; I just want to get high, bring it on," he stated out of his mind.

Page poured her cache of cocaine on to a mirror, snorted some, and offered it to Danny. She showed him what to do and he was all game. As the white powder circled his brain he shouted, WOW!

Danny found himself in a death dance with drugs; his party with Page lasted all day and into the night. He discovered that he could experience orgasm after orgasm. Well, that was for the first day, then his body was spent; he emptied himself of the longing for Sydney's body. He was now in love with the drug, and he thought he was in love with that young version of Sydney.

Page took the drug in stride, it did not affect her the way it affected Danny. She was calm, but Danny's heart was racing as soon as he started coming down. He was hooked on cocaine and Page knew it.

"Page you have more coke?" He said slowly slurring his words with his eyes fixed on the floor.

"I'm out but I can get more." He gave her a large wad of bills to purchase what they needed to continue their bacchanal.

After Page gave Danny a drink, she took his money and left. It was now four o'clock in the morning on the third day of Sydney's departure. Danny didn't ask Page where she was going to get more drugs; he hoped she would hurry back.

Page slipped out of the room. She did not have to go far; she got into the elevator and stopped on the next floor, walked to a door, and used a key.

"Hey lover," were the words coming from her

handsome boyfriend Anthony, who was more of a hustler than his status as her full time boyfriend. He met Page in New York at his club called the Red Carpet—it was a disguise for selling drugs.

Page was great for his business, a model that traveled in the company of rich actors and actresses, sports figures, musicians, and high priced, high powered business people.

"You got something for me?" he said, looking at her hand holding hundred dollar bills.

"Danny needs more coke," she said laughing.

"Go easy on that stuff, I told you. Go easy with him, remember you're mine." He smiled after giving her a package, then pawing her large breast and skinny body. Anthony pried his fingers into her panties to see if she had just had intercourse. He put his fingers to his nose, then threw her on the bed, and fucked her hard and furious to punish her for what he knew she was doing with Danny. She took the drugs and left after she showered off the smell of Anthony's abuse.

Page arrived at her room, opened the door to find Danny sleeping from too much Scotch and lack of coke to keep him wake. Danny slept for two days straight waking to order food and use the restroom. He had been in Las Vegas for six days and had not ventured outside to feel the warmth of the Las Vegas sun. The chill of the nights with Page enveloped his body.

The phone rang and rang; this time, Danny woke to find himself in strange surroundings. The room filthy with food and clothes tossed everywhere. He had to focus before he understood where he was and what was going on. Page heard the hotel phone and looked over at Danny to see if he was asleep before she answered.

"Page, let me talk to Danny," boomed a strong hard voice.

Page reached over pillows thrown between her and the body of Danny, then presenting the phone to him. Danny made a line of pillows between him and Page. Page thought it strange, but never questioned him on it.

The only questions she ever had were for Anthony. She was jealous of anyone that came near him, and Anthony was equally jealous, but their sexual non-commitments made them more desirous to each other. Danny was just a means to an end for Page, and she was no light to Danny's midnight.

"Danny, what do you think of Page, Good hum?" Max said looking for credit.

"Yea, she's okay," Danny chanted in a comatose state.

"She's more than okay she is hot and sexy, which I'm sure you have tested the waters. When are you coming back to L.A.? I have meetings arranged for you. You should be here and ready for work in a week," he said emphatically.

"I don't know if I want to go back to work so soon," Danny said slow and careless.

"Look Danny, don't start this shit with me, be here and ready to work in a week. I 'm not taking no for an answer, and don't let me have to come get you. Let me talk to Page!"

"Listen Page, if you don't get him sober and he's not here in a week, I will see that no one hires you. Do I make myself clear?"

Page understood Max and she knew he was a vicious man to deal with. He did not take kindly to anyone crossing him.

Danny finally sobered up and Page helped him get himself together to get back to L.A. and to his job of being an actor. Danny did not ask Page to accompany him to his home in L.A. she just tagged along. She knew he needed her for sex and drugs, and he satisfied her need for money.

On the ride to Danny's home, Page informed Danny that she had to stop off to pick up some drugs. Danny did not resist because he was still under a fog, and the coke was doing the thinking for him.

Page stopped at a corner in L.A. that resembled a third world country. It was in this neighborhood Anthony stashed his drugs. He had a few places in New York where he put drugs on demand. Anthony followed the money and Page.

Danny waited an hour in a car for Page fearing for his life. During his wait, he called Sydney and left messages; he text message, W R U, telling her how much he loved her, and still no answer. Page emerged from an alley in the back of a town house and drove Danny to his home.

* * * *

When Danny became a little sober, Page no longer interested him, but she came with the drugs—a package deal. He wanted to numb himself to the world and he wanted to forget Sydney; he was getting close, but not close enough. So, he took more coke.

"Sydney is a cold hearted bitch," he said to hear how it sound to his brain, but there was a hush. No, she isn't, she's more than any man could want, he thought. His conversation kept going in circles. "She must have a good reason for what she did. What reason could she have to make me think I was the only man in her life?" He said shouting. Danny was a man possessed, and he was determining to wrench the control Sydney had over him. He was going to take his mind and body back, even if he had to drown himself in Scotch and cocaine.

Page gave Danny more coke; she did not try to stop him. The more he took the more he thought and talked about Sydney. He talked all night into the next day and the next. His life was full with the need for drugs and conversations about Sydney.

As time passed, Danny forgot about the job in Canada. He forgot about Sydney. He forgot about Page and Max. He forgot about everyone and everything except the coke he now craved.

When he sobered up after months of drug use and not being able to score more drugs, he finally came to his senses. He realized the producers fired him from the job in Canada; and he could be in serious trouble if they take him to court.

Max called to give more bad news—the production company replaced him with Phillip Cross. Danny was livid. Max circulated gossip that Danny was ill, and he would be ready for another film any time. Max took on another job—that of saving Danny's ass.

Danny and Page languished in bed sick from drugs and asleep most days and nights with little else happening. The sex stopped. Drugs replaced all feelings that he possessed. Whatever they meant to each other was over; they were two drugged addicted fools who had too much time and money. The only thing they had in common was the need for a warm body. Danny had no one again, and Page's thoughts were for her boyfriend Anthony who had gone back to New York. Page could still buy drugs at his location and that continued for almost a year.

The ringing never left and the pounding was stifling, until Danny became aware it was the phone instead of his head. He reached over Page to pick up the phone and glanced to see if she was alive. She had been sleeping so soundly that she had to be dead. He touched her to make sure.

"What the fuck are you doing to yourself and me? What kind of schmuck have you become?" shouted Max. Max never beat around the bush, always direct.

"I forgot about Canada," Danny said in a low voice.

"I can't go on a vacation without you doing something stupid. I'm not a babysitter. Do you hear me Danny?" Max screamed into the phone.

"How could you forget?" Max shouted. "How many more jobs are you going to lose before you wake up? It's not Sydney again, no, because she wouldn't have allowed you to give up an opportunity like that," he said, knowing how good Sydney was for Danny and never admitting it until now.

"Look Max, get off my back!

"Fuck you Danny, now I know why Sydney left you. You are an immature ass."

Danny understood his weakness, but he did not want Max to shine a light that everyone could see including him. He still wanted to wallow around in the darkness.

"Stop pissing around with me Max. I don't want you to mention Sydney again."

"Is Page with you?"

"Yes. Why?" Danny said puzzled.

"I'm coming over."

"Don't come I'm into something."

"That's what I am afraid of."

Max dropped the phone and arrived at Danny's house within an hour. Danny tried to hide the signs of drugs but Max had seen everything, there was nothing Max didn't know or uncover just from observation. Max walked into Danny's once beautiful home and knew what was going on. The house told its own story—the house saw what others did not see.

The house was a mirror of its owner, unkempt and unloved. It hadn't been cleaned in months, with soil boxes of pizza, and an assortment of unrecognizable food in every room. The house reeked of dirty sheets and clothes. Every corner you could see drug paraphernalia and cigarette butts. Max remembered thinking that it was a wonder the house didn't burn down.

"Look Danny, you are on something, looking at Page in your bed I would say coke and pills."

"You are the one that introduced me to her," he said not caring about anything and anyone.

"No one told you to fuck her and take drugs," Max shouted. "Everyone is talking about you."

"They don't know what I'm doing." Danny said trying to convince himself.

"Danny, you can't make the hurt go away with drugs. You're throwing your life away, I can't spend my time trying to keep you off drugs and make sure you go to a job."

"This is Hollywood. Actors have been doing this shit since the beginning, and every one of you who go this route, end up with nothing, alone, and broke, and sometimes dead. Is that what you want? Do you think no one knows what you are doing? Look in the mirror."

Danny turned and faced the mirror; his green eyes and fuzzy mind saw the same thing at the same time. Who is that bum? Were the questions his eyes and mind circulated—it was Danny.

"Max, why did you introduce her into my life?" Danny said with tears falling, and not caring how Page felt about his statement.

"I thought you needed cheering up. I didn't think you were crazy enough to take drugs, and fuck your life up more. You have to get yourself together. Get rid of Page."

"I'm lonely and I need someone."

"You can't fool me; she's the one who is supplying those drugs. Send her back to New York and clean yourself up. You're going to get in serious trouble," Max screamed.

Chapter 4

Danny confronts Sydney

Max pleaded until Danny became sober. He talked long enough until he reached Danny. Max finally showed concern and respect for Danny's love for Sydney. He saw a light in Danny's eyes, just a spark of the old Danny, which was enough for now. He talked to Danny about searching for Sydney, and he would get an investigator and help if he had to put up his own money. Max sat near Danny's bed with Page lying near, hearing every word, and Max didn't care. His job is to save Danny. He peered at Page and she understood that the gig was up.

Packing Page's few things and handing them to her, Max bought her a one-way ticket to New York, and then gave her money to get rid of her. Page was happy to go back to New York because she wanted to check on Anthony who had not contacted her in months.

Danny finally understood what was at stake. He began to listen. Max hired someone to clean Danny's house and watch over Danny—get him to meetings and rehearsals on time. He made sure the personal assistant answered to him only.

* * * *

Danny drove to his home after working all night on a shoot, it was early in the morning, and he was finally alone to find the person he left behind— himself. He walked into his empty house. It had never been a home. He did not have a wife and he had no children. The house was devoid of love, peace of mind, and purpose.

He lumbered into his bedroom and looked around—there he stood. He could see through the clean sheets and duvet, the filth of all the nights he had become entrenched in drugs. The bed wasn't clean enough to erase the memories that made his skin crawl. He had performed acts of lust that he could never forgive or bring himself to think of again.

A slow walk to the mirror revealed a year of drug use that had erased the innocence of youth and hardened his still handsome face; he had an empty past and a future that did not look promising if he could not pull himself together.

Feelings of desperation bruised his face. His body was trying to kill him and he recognized the signs. He could not eat, sleep, or retrieve a thought since Sydney left him. He was a walking corpse, waiting for the pronouncement D.O.A. Dead on Arrival, and the sad part is, he did not care.

Danny took a slow walk into his bathroom, it is a sanctuary; no one was allowed into this area but him. He sat on the carpeted floor. He did not like marble floors, because they were too cold and unfeeling. He needed the warmth and security of carpet. Lying down, he raised his hand to feel a tear dropped on his cheek. He only cried for two women, his mother, and Sydney.

Now separated from self because of drugs, he doesn't know how to put himself together again.

The bathroom was much smaller than any other part of his huge house and it caused him to feel safe and calm.

He fell asleep and dreamed of a son; he wanted something he could love. He fashioned his dream to fit a happy ending. He had too many nightmares in his drunken and drug state and he wanted to be happy.

He dreamed he and his son were living in Scotland; he could show his son how beautiful his country is with the blue green hills, lochs, and mountains. Danny began to smile. He hadn't smiled in ages. Then, he heard the sound of a voice, "Daddy, Daddy. No Daddy!"

Danny woke in a cold sweat, he wasn't awake, he wasn't asleep, he wasn't alive and he wasn't dead. He tried to remember his dream but could not. He hadn't drunk or used drugs in months, but the effects were rippling throughout his body and mind.

He was trying to put his life in order. He was trying to eradicate the baggage that carried his life away. He worked so he did not have to think. He made all his personal appearances, answered questions about his drug use, and assured everyone that the rumors were just not true. Thanks to Max, he was able to quell everyone's suspicions, and get back to work.

Danny finished another movie Max helped him land, after being fired, and replaced by Phillip Cross. Danny felt that the part was better, because it was suited for his disposition and emotions. He didn't work hard because he knew the character he had to play. He had just lived it and it was his best work to date.

Max felt sure the nomination for an Academy Award was Danny's for the taking. Danny felt proud of himself, however, he had an empty feeling that the drinking and drugs once filled, but now, no more. He stood up and realized the phone had been ringing, he did not get to it in time, and then his cell began to chime.

"Danny I thought something had happened to you, you're okay?"

"Yeah Max, I'm Ok."

"I found Sydney."

A moment passed so Danny could think, and then he asked, "Where?" There was no emotion in his question.

"Houston,"

"Yeah, that's where she's from, Texas," he said full of excitement. "I'm getting on the plane today."

"I wouldn't do that."

"Why, what do you know Max?" Danny insisted. Max never lied to Danny.

"I think she's married and has a child."

Danny's heartbeat quickened and his voice became hoarse. "What the fuck are you talking about? It's been about a year."

"You heard me, I think she's married. It didn't take you that long to fuck your life up."

Danny didn't hear Max or he did not want to respond to that statement. "You don't know that for a fact. Get me a flight out now!"

"Okay. You know it hasn't been long since you stopped with the alcohol and drugs. You need to get a hold of yourself, give yourself some time," Max said knowing he had lost that fight.

"I'm Ok I can handle it."

"Danny, I know you love that woman, but she's poisonous to you. The more you're around her you lose your mind. I'm going to ask you one more time. Don't go."

"Max, send me a car now or I'm going to drive to the airport myself."

"You never listen." Max voice lowered.

"What do you think Max? I have to know why," Danny pleaded, hoping Max would understand.

"I guess you have to hear it from her before you can straighten yourself out."

Danny tried hard to get Sydney out of his system. If he saw her with another man, he would be through with her—that would do it. That might end his heartaches and pain, he thought.

Finally, he would know that he would never want her again; but he never met anyone like her. He kept comparing her to the women he was meeting. She was smart, beautiful, loving, and caring. He knew she left him, but he knew her well enough to know she must have had a good reason. He had to confront her and hear from her mouth why she did what she did.

* * * *

Danny took a flight to Houston. It is the middle of June. A blanket of heat and steam surrounds the city. It is a city of mavericks, scoundrels, of charming men and woman, who think they are entitled to the world and what it offers.

He is dressed to keep his cool, a white linen shirt, and faded jeans. The only thing missing was his shit kickers as they say in Texas—cowboy boots, and little did he know there would be plenty of shit he would have to wade through.

Danny held his breath as the taxi rolled into the driveway of the expensive home. He stepped out of the cab after asking the driver to wait. The cabbie agreed because it was not likely he would get a fare in that neighborhood going back to Bush airport. Everyone owned three to five cars.

Danny swallowed again so as not to appear nervous, not knowing what he would find. His heart skipped a beat in anticipation of seeing Sydney. His mouth salivated from the thought of the closeness of her body. "Oh her smell, Oh her warmth," he whispered.

He made up his mind to confront her and not let her go. He knew he loved her and he needed her. Only she knew how he felt. The hell he endured to have a career as an actor. She was there for him and he couldn't have succeeded without her.

The thought of seeing her excited his senses. He wouldn't give up no matter what happened. He knew what he wanted, and he wanted Sydney. He needed Sydney to silence the screams in his mind and bring back the peace and harmony to his life.

He reached into his pocket to feel for the diamond ring he bought her in Italy. He had to know if she was married. He was hoping she wasn't. However, if she was, he prepared himself to forget her. Maybe she would not let him go.

He raised his trembling finger to push the bell and the music saturating the air was a tune they both loved, and sang together. "I Will Always Love You." He saw the shadow of a woman walking toward the glass doors. He knew that walk. Sydney walked as if dancing with her hips swaying softly.

Danny saw her graceful sexy stride as she came to the door, and he could not control his thoughts. His body weakened in anticipation of seeing to her.

It was a large house, and it appeared to take forever for her to come to him. He repeated, "Come to me, come to me, hurry Sydney, I don't know how long I can stand not being near you."

He remembered how he thought about cursing her for all the pain and pleasure she brought into his life. He wanted to grab her and make love to her on the floor as soon as she opened the door. And tell her how much he loved her and that they could start over and never breathe a word about what happened in Las Vegas. Just come back to him. He had all this time to think, but when she opened the door, love was not enough to still his heart and ease the pain that permeated throughout his body and soul.

He saw the shadow of his beautiful woman with the cool clear brown eyes, who was once his, and the thought that she could lie with anyone besides him made him angry. The thought of her touching another man the way she touched his body—the thought of her kissing someone else was too much for him to bare, and it drove him insane with jealousy.

His eyes glowed with heartache, hatred, and love—anyone could read his face and see it in his eyes. Danny's body was warm from the Texas sun, but his heart was cold from the deception that reigned in his life. He is a man with a broken heart and he knew someone could die from it!

* * * *

The Meeting

I had become very comfortable living with Robert Farrell; he satisfied me for the moment, not sexually, but mentally. I didn't think of Danny, except when Heather called to tell me he won the Golden Globe award for best supporting actor in a drama. He went with his agent Max and a young model.

Heather called regularly to discuss all the women chasing Danny. His beautiful face adorned the covers of magazines, which showed him kissing and hugging several women. I would rush out to buy the magazines to deconstruct the picture. I spent hours trying to figure out if the young woman at his side was the one.

It was a matter of time before Danny would track me down. I still got his text messages daily, then monthly. "I L U" which says, I Love You. I would receive messages that always read, W R U? I knew Danny was getting close.

The doorbell rang that Friday. I heard the music tones I recently programmed. That tune was my favorite. It was Danny's favorite also. I understand people can tell from a ring who is calling on the phone. I felt something unusual about the chime coming from the doorbell. I was in full thought when I walked to the doubled glass door, not expecting anyone. My housekeeper, Maria, had a day off. I carelessly sauntered to the door.

I glanced at the silhouette of a young man, but my mind was not on the man. I opened the door and the sunlight flashed, striking my face like lighting glowing from a summer storm. A summer storm can be deadly in Texas. It moves fast and leaves devastation in its path.

There he stood, the storm with the flashing green eyes, those eyes, those eyes penetrating me as if I had murdered him, and his ghost hung there to haunt me. Standing in the door is my beautiful man looking at me. I could see the pain in the crease of his brow and the quiver of his lips. I tried to close the door but he put his foot in place as if he had planned and anticipated my reaction.

He walked in not looking around but focusing on me. He gazed into my eyes. He peered into my soul. He stood quiet for what seemed like forever and my body began to shake.

He was different. He did not have the look of a boy. He had the look of a man. His eyes were the same blue green, but he wore a light mustache and beard on that gorgeous chiseled face. His shirt half-unbuttoned and his hard chest showing caused me to stare, and dissolved in his presence.

"Why? Why, Sydney? Didn't you know I was looking for you? Didn't you know I would never stop looking for you? Didn't you know I would find you? Don't you know I'm doggit when I want something?" Danny shouted.

He never let me say a word. His words spilled like a volcano that had built up pressure and had to erupt or it would implode. He tried to clear his mind, and now he wanted answers.

"Don't you know what you have done to me?" He stared with no expression. "I haven't been able to work because I started drinking to forget you. Why? Why? Why did you leave me?" He repeated as if he was a lost child; then he stopped and looked with sad eyes. "Why would you leave me and disappear after I asked you to marry me? You knew I loved you. You knew how much I wanted you."

"Danny, you can't stay," I said nervously.

"You have another man? That was bloody quick! I haven't been able to think about anyone but you! And you have someone!" He said, working himself up to anger and despair.

"Danny, please leave," I pleaded.

"I don't give a fuck and I'm not leaving until you give me some answers!" He demanded. "I've been looking for you for over a year. I need to sleep and I need to know why you did this to me."

"I don't want you, I'm with someone else. I don't want you!" I lied and lied, trying to cover up the reality I was hiding.

The more I lied the more transparent I became. Danny grabbed me, kissed me, and thrust his tongue into my mouth as if he was trying to reach my soul. Overcome with lust and heat I couldn't stand it! I knew if he stayed longer, he would find out that I never stopped loving him, and I had created a complicated life for everyone with all my stupid lies and insecurities.

I pushed him away, "I'm making a new life for myself with a man I knew before you. He and I have a child together," I said carelessly.

I saw those green eyes close, a chill encased my body, and I knew I had broken something that could not or would not be broken. I had a beautiful wild mustang, a stallion, and I broke him, and he and I would never be the same.

He dried his tear, and in that moment, Robert walked through the door with Sean. I took a deep breath and wished this was a dream.

Chapter 5

"Who is this and what's all the noise?" Robert said anxiously, as he stopped to peer at Danny. Danny looked at Sean, his eyes blinked and his head tilted as he looked up at Robert. Danny said in an instant, with eyes glaring, "This is my son!" He ran to touch Sean and Robert pulled Sean away, holding him in his arms.

"No he's not!" Robert and I said in unison.

"I can recognize my son! I have a picture of my twin brother and me as children. He looks just like us at that age. How could you do such a thing Sydney?"

I lowered my head realizing what I had done to Danny, Sean, and Robert. I felt empty and missing something deep inside my soul and my eyes lowered showed everything, even if my body did not.

"I think it is time for you to leave," Robert blurted out with anger.

"I can't believe what you have done, Sydney!" Danny shouted at me. "Sydney you had better tell this man the truth because I'm coming back for my son!" He stated pointing his finger at Robert.

"Danny please," I insisted.

"Leave my house!" Robert shouted as he reached for the phone to the call the police, still holding Sean in his arms.

Danny walked backward to the door, as he looked at me with those sad green eyes and seeing his own reflection in the pool of green in his son's eyes. He shook his head.

"I will get my son even if I don't have you. I will have my son!" these were his last words at that moment, and the words punctuated my mind and I knew it was a threat. I knew he meant it because Danny always got everything he wanted—everything except me.

Danny composed himself because he was never a man to threaten anyone or become violent, but I notice a different person. He was a man now and he had a son. He was going through a metamorphosis. He was a boy one day, and a man and father the next day, and that transformation occurred before my eyes.

As Danny felt calmness over take his heat of anger, he threw an envelope in my direction. The contents spilled to the floor, and there lay an engagement ring and keys. I picked up the diamond ring and house keys before Robert saw them. If Danny was broken, he hid it well, but now I'm in pieces. I had to hold on to my tears until later.

"When you are ready come to me, I'll be waiting. Don't take long!" He said with the assurance of a man finally in control.

"Danny wait. You don't understand." I whispered.

Danny decided to starve his emotions in hopes that they would disappear. He wasn't going to feed his emotions by thinking of Sydney or talking to her he had had enough.

He turned and walked away from Sydney with his heart pulsating in his chest and his hands in the air. He couldn't accept Sydney and his son with Robert or any man, but he was powerless to do anything at this time.

The door closed behind him and he felt locked out of Sydney's heart—a little boy longing for the love of a mother who will never come back to kiss him in his sleep and make the nightmares go away.

Danny couldn't feel his heavy feet. He couldn't feel the overwhelming lack of warmth that descended over his body as he departed Robert's house. He couldn't feel his face because it was numb like a corpse, setting in a refrigerator, waiting for someone to pronounce him dead, and call his next of kin. He lumbered into the cab and slammed the door.

"Where to sir?"

"Take me back to the airport," he said quiet and low.

His strength disappeared when he thought about what had transpired on his long ride to Bush Intercontinental Airport. He glanced through the clear windows of the taxi to see that clouds had formed a gauntlet on both sides of the highway and just ahead was a thundering roar of a storm that had been threatening on his arrival into Houston. Now he had to face the storm in his life, and discover—nature is unforgiving.

He was a father without a child. A man without a woman, his woman is with another man and he is empty. How could the love and birth of his son be so wonderful and too ugly to even think of—but he had to think. Sydney had squeezed the marrow from his very soul and left him weak—and there was no sun shining in his heart. The sun hadn't shone in his heart for what appeared to be a lifetime.

As Danny neared the airport, the cloud in his mind evaporated. There was a clearing, and he finally saw his way. He would close the door on this chapter with Sydney, and try to concentrate on his son.

He would confide in Page, maybe she would understand—there was no one else close enough who could understand his pain. Sydney was once his only friend and lover. He shared every event in his life with her but one, and she did not use it to cause him to feel less than himself.

The airport ride to L.A. didn't provide enough time for Danny to decide completely on his feelings and conclusions concerning Sydney. There wasn't enough thinking in the world to cure and ease the body through the trauma of a shattered heart, and the betrayal of a young man's love.

Not even the cool of the Los Angeles night provided a respite from the longing for Sydney and Sean. Try as he may, he could not separate the two. He loved the mother long before he loved his son. He was a young sensitive man with a great love.

* * * *

The car carried Danny to his home from the L.A. airport. Then exhaustion overtook his body. He tried sleeping, but he knew that the night would not hold him long; the day would show and reveal his ache one more time.

He called Page on the phone as soon as he arrived home. He was certain that she would come. Sydney on the other hand was absent when he needed her. Yet he couldn't find the feelings for Page. He couldn't find a space in his heart where she would eat at his soul the way Sydney did and is doing at every minute of his day.

"Page can you come to L. A.?" I need you," he said honestly, sadly, longingly, hoping to shed the shroud of pain that covered him.

"Sure Danny, I'll take the first flight out."

* * * *

When Page visited L.A., she lived not far from Danny; she and Anthony needed a place where they could renew their love for each other. She felt bound to Anthony the way Danny was bound to Sydney. Although she knew about Sydney and Danny, Danny did not know of Anthony.

She knew if Danny found out about Anthony, he would leave her in a fast minute. Then she wouldn't be able to take advantage of the money and fame that was coming from being in Danny's presence.

Page listened hours on end about Sydney during their all night sessions of drug use. During that time, Danny would go on a tirade about how Sydney treated him and how much he hated her and would never forgive her. Then the next minute he would sob and Page would console him; and thousands of dollars later, he would be drunk and drugged out of his mind, and Page would never have to have sex with him.

Many times Page would call Anthony and they would have orgies in Danny's house while Danny lay passed out in one of his many bedrooms.

Anthony thought he was the man whenever he convinced Page to sneak him into Danny's home. They spent hours downstairs in a bedroom of the palatial house, which Danny bought for Sydney.

"Page do you think Danny has any idea that you are my woman?" Anthony questioned, ever secure in Page's feelings for him.

"No, of course not, if he did, I would be out on my ass. He's too caught up in drugs and that woman to know what the hell is going on. I bet he doesn't know what day of the week it is." Then they had a good laugh and continued kissing each other and smothering each other with foul nasty passion.

Someone wrote and I forget exactly who, "Oh what a tangle web we weave when first we learn to deceive."

* * * *

A Hot Night in Texas

"Why didn't you tell me you were involved with that Scottish bastard and he's an actor?" Robert crumpled his face and began to show another side of his character.

"You told me that if I didn't want to discuss the matter, I didn't have to. Now you're telling me something different," I shouted back.

"Sydney, you should have told me about this man before I adopted Sean. I thought the father was dead."

"I never gave you that impression and I never said he was dead. You wanted to believe he was dead! You are such a liar, you knew something, and you didn't want to face the facts. Now leave me alone. Just leave me alone! I can't stand this any longer!"

Robert grabbed my arm, "How long have you known him?"

I didn't give Robert an answer, I walked away from him, and into the room we now shared. I tried to forgive his outburst. I put Sean to bed and I tried to sleep to steal the time from my life. I became entrenched in my dreams, hoping I could enjoy that moment where Danny and I lived happily ever after. Who am I kidding? Life is a little more complicated when you have two men making you crazy.

As I began to fall asleep, I felt a body and a touch that wasn't familiar—a soft kiss. I thought I was dreaming, dreaming of Danny. I was exhausted from the arguments of that evening and I felt as though I could not wake from my dream.

A warm hand touched my body, and kissed me passionately on my shoulder. I became responsive. I kissed Danny back, and as I was languishing in the moment, I called out his name. "Danny, Danny." My eyes opened and it wasn't Danny—it was Robert.

Robert kneeled at the bed and whispered, "I'm going to make you forget him." He proceeded to pass his hands over my breasts. I resisted but Robert continued, and finally I succumbed to Robert's affections. I closed my eyes and thought of Danny. I was able to achieve satisfaction dreaming and thinking of Danny without ever thinking of Robert. I was a mess.

"This can't go on," I insisted, but Robert put his finger on my lips to silence me.

"This can go on as long as you want," Robert said in a fool's voice looking into my crying eyes.

"Robert you aren't listening to me. Look at me, hear me!" I said half screaming.

"I don't want you to go through this," I said trying to get his attention.

"I knew what I was doing Sydney. I can't lose you and Sean. I won't let you two go," he said like a man possessed.

Robert didn't fight to keep his wife, but he's fighting to keep a woman that doesn't want him, and a baby that belongs to another man. He is a desperate man. Now I have two desperate men, and I don't have the skills to control the emotions and anger that is spilling out into everyone's life like a wild river, eroding, and destroying that which will not move.

After taking a shower, I dressed and walked into the library where Robert was seated at his computer. "Robert, I have to leave," I said, thinking I could walk out of his life as easily as I had entered. I suddenly remembered what Heather said about taking a man's heart and soul. I was treading on dangerous ground.

"I'm going to take Sean and leave."

"You can go but not with Sean," Robert stated with cold abandonment.

"You can't stop me," I said not backing down.

"I might not be able to stop you, but you will not take my son!"

This couldn't get any worse. I was wrong. Here I have two men claiming my son. I'm in the middle of a hurricane hanging on for dear life.

I argued with Robert all night on to the next day. He held all the cards, and I had nothing left, but I wasn't about to throw in my cards. Robert used his cards like a shark and I had a glance at the real Robert.

If Robert didn't put up a fight when his wife left, it was because he didn't want her enough. He showed me what he could do and told me what he would do. He was a lawyer, I was a novice compared to Robert, and I had met my match. Little did I know Danny had grown up and he had a few surprises too.

I stayed with Robert for two more months trying to find enthusiasm for a man I did not want. He came from his job perfectly happy, and never mentioned Danny. I was the saddest woman alive and I hadn't smiled in months.

My friends Heather and Tracy called occasionally to find out if I was still on the planet and to give me the latest gossip on Danny. I assured them that I was among the living even if I was the walking dead. I assured them and my family that I couldn't stand to hear about Danny and all the women that were clamoring after him.

Depression had taken over my life, with Robert walking around pretending nothing had ever happened. Robert didn't even mind that I would no longer have sex with him.

I was his prisoner where he let out now and then for good behavior.

Finally deciding that it was time to go to L.A., I planned my escape. I lied to Robert. I said I was going to New York to see some friends. Robert didn't bother to check, as long as he had Sean, he knew I would return to him.

I had to see Danny and ask him to forgive me. I would reveal everything to him.

I begged Steven to accompany me to L.A. I felt so insecure. Steven flew on a different airline and met me at the airport. Steven was always ready for a good time. 'He was in for a penny in for a pound.' Steven knew his way around and if he didn't know something or someone, he had contacts that could get us into any club or home of any celebrity imaginable.

Chapter 6

Hollywood

Steven and I settled into the Beverly Wilshire Hotel and I immediately dressed to see Danny. I knew he was home because Steven phoned a friend to confirm his whereabouts.

If you are a celebrity and live in L.A. it is difficult to hide. Danny had become a star, and the media was on his trail. He couldn't go anywhere without the paparazzi or a desperate fan trying to track him down. I had become a desperate fan—running after a man, I once commanded with abusive power.

I wore a yellow Versachi dress to elicit the warmth I was seeking from Danny. The dress was just above my knees displaying my firm legs and firm thighs. I bought the dress to create intrigue, and because it was sensuous and revealing. The top cut low to show the breast Danny once held to high esteem. The breasts that he caressed with his face, and soothed with his lips, were on display for his eyes. His gentle eyes that caused my heart to skip a beat and made me understand that I'm alive, and loved!

I rented a small Mercedes convertible to travel to Danny's home. I didn't know he had purchased a home until I looked at the entry keys he tossed at me, and fell at my feet when last I saw him. The keys had his picture and his address on Blue Bird lane in the hills.

I rode with the top down looking at the sky and thinking about how happy and free I felt at that moment. I listened to our favorite songs, and the birds creating music of the night. What a feeling. I became engrossed in the lie of the moment. I envisioned returning home to my gorgeous young husband waiting with our child. The vision came to a sudden end as I reached his home.

The house was impressive. It sat alone on a hill by way of a winding road. It looked as if bought for a married couple, not a bachelor. Then I remembered how I left Danny lying in bed and never letting him complete what he wanted to tell me. It was my home and now it was mine no more.

I opened the gate and drove along the circular driveway, which came to a stop at his door. I stepped out and walked to unlock the doors; I stood still, then quietly walking through the home, no one appeared to be there.

It was a beautiful Hollywood home that had been remodeled, and it once belonged to some big star. You could see it cost millions.

I strolled up the stairs near an elevator where I thought the master bedroom was located. I wanted to surprise him, and tell him how much I loved him—then I heard voices.

Maybe it was the maid; maybe I'm hearing things because it started to rain as I drove up the path. I wanted to create any scene in my mind that I could live in.

I strolled with all the confidence I could muster, opened the bedroom door, and then I slowly stepped inside. There coming out of the shower was my love. My heart shouted when I saw his body.

The bed was tossed and sheets and pillows were everywhere. The bed appeared enormous, and then I stood in shock. He was naked, and there was someone in the bed, hidden by sheets and pillows, and it was not me. It was surreal, my skin felt numb and clammy. Danny and I stood and stared at each other in silence.

Danny picked up a towel as if he was naked in front of a stranger. His eyes turned to me and then turned to the bed. Lying in his bed, my bed, was a woman about Danny's age maybe nineteen, maybe twenty. She had long blond hair, a sexy long body with breast that was created for any occasion, and that occasion was to provide sex whenever and where ever desired. She was sure of herself; she did not act as if she was surprised, but she was not going anywhere, and she was not giving up any ground.

I could see it all in her obstinate conniving eyes.

It was war and Danny was the high ground, and she was at the top of the hill, and that hill was our bed. I was at a disadvantage. How am I going to win this battle? I asked myself. Should I give up and run? What am I to do? Do I come back to fight another day?

Danny face broke into a wide smile, he had once pursued me with all his being and amorous affections. There he stood with this smile of satisfaction. Danny was a man now and I was the one pursuing him, or though he thought. He was correct, but I couldn't let him know, and I couldn't let the enemy in the bed know my weakness. I chose to stay a while to gage my enemy's strength. Although, I felt as if I could run and never stop until I reached the Pacific Ocean and then drown myself to end this comedy of errors.

"I came to bring back your key and your ring," I said casually, with the authority of a woman of the world.

I saw in his eyes that he did not want to hear those words. He wanted me to cry and beg his forgiveness. His face changed and the smirk transformed to a frown. I knew that frown, a little boy who could not get his way.

I saw in one instance my Danny, the little boy who could not spar with me because he had more living to do. When I left Danny, he had learned how to live without me. Now he was ready to take me on!

"You can put my keys on my table and do whatever you want with that ring, you earned it," he said coldly. "I'm busy." He turned his back to me and poured a glass of Cristal for the cute little actress or model in his bed. I felt anger and jealousy, my eyes twitched, and my head hurt.

I felt a cold chill run through my soul and I became weak in the knees. My instinct was to scream and attack Danny and beg him not to do this, but I wouldn't. However, I felt as if I would faint, but this was a war between the sexes and I had to regroup.

I did not have time for fainting; I was determined not to lose. Sun Tzu's book, The Art of War says that when you engage the enemy, always give him a way out otherwise you will fight a death fight, and you will lose.

I did not give Danny a way out when I left him in Las Vegas, had his baby, let another man adopt our baby, and then had the nerve to show up in his home and loving him more than ever. I had backed Danny against a wall with no way out.

"It was nice knowing you," I countered and walked to the antique table and lay the keys down, looking at him the whole time. I threw the 10-caret diamond ring at the young woman and said, "Here get this sized for you." I peered into the eyes of the young woman to let her know that she did not know whom she was fucking with!

I then turned in my expensive designer dress that fit like a glove, and started walking out the room taking my warmth and Danny's desires with me.

"Where are you going?" He said.

"I'm leaving, isn't that what you want?" I sashayed down the first step, not waiting for an answer. I continued walking down the stairs as Danny angrily walked beside me and shouted uncontrollable.

"I hate you!"

"Yes, I can see just how much," I said looking down at his erection that was obvious to me, Danny, and the cute naïve bimbo standing on the stairs, trying to figure out just what the hell was going on. She was smart enough not to get involved.

"You left me, I didn't leave you! You found someone else I didn't!"

"What the hell do you call that in your bed?" I asked.

"She's nothing," he insisted.

"I didn't want to get in the way of your career," I explained.

"Well as you can see, you did not get in the way of anything," he stated carelessly. "What did you want me to do Sydney? I looked for you for over a year, and I find you with a man. And you gave that man my son!" Danny said, looking distraught.

We were now at the foot of the stairs and no compromise in sight. There looking on was the cute little actress, and there I was, reaching and grabbing Danny's heart not leaving any for anyone to claim but me.

"Now you have nothing but your career and those shallow bitches who want your money and your body," I said, looking for a weakness.

"You had my body and love, you have my child, and you could have had all of me but that wasn't enough for you. You ripped my heart out. Well you have destroyed me, so get the hell out!"

Danny weighed his options and decided that I was lost to him. He proceeded to initiate a brutal attack on me to save the loveless relationship standing at the top of the stairs, which was worthless to him.

"I hate you, you gave my son away! I hate you so much that I'll destroy you! The next time I see you will be in court. I want my son!" He stated with icy ruthlessness.

My mind was racing, what can I say or do? I have to say something, I thought.

I turned and looked into those cool green eyes to find the secret of his heart. I could not see the man I love; all I saw was a cold lifeless man who hid his love for me.

"Well, if this is the last time I will see you..." I moved closer to him, looked in his beautiful green eyes searching for warmth, and gave him a soft hard kiss. I could feel with his body what his eyes would not reveal.

He stood with his arms to his side, and I touched his face as I penetrated his closed lips with my tongue. I felt the fire from his body, a blaze that no one could extinguish. I felt his warm body and cold heart.

I turned and walked away.

I did not look back, or hear footsteps crying for me to come back. I did not see whether I had won the skirmish. I trusted my ammunition and I trusted myself.

I jump into the car and drove down the hill, and when I had driven far enough, I began to scream. I screamed into the night like a banshee for what seemed liked hours. I had fucked my life up and I could not get it straight.

I was a runaway train headed for a derailment.

Chapter 7

Danny, Sydney, and Phillip Cross

Somehow, I reached the hotel, and Steven sat waiting for every minute of juicy gossip. Some people live for gossip, they have to be fed each day, if not they die. I was in no mood to feed Steven's fantasies.

"Girl what happen? You look like shit! You have been crying. Not you?" Steven said meeting Sydney eye to eye.

"Shut up Steven, shut the fuck up!" I could hardly talk.

"I know what you need, a night out."

"I just had a night out! I just want to go to bed and never get up," I said wishing I would just disappear.

"I'm not talking about now," Steven said, looking at me as if I was the town idiot.

"We are going to a party tomorrow night, and you can get another crack at your lover man," Steven stated rubbing his hands together and smiling with excitement.

"Everyone who is anyone will be at Phillip Cross's Malibu home," Steven said as he appeared to jump for joy.

"I don't have the strength to play this one out. I can't do it!"

"What do you mean you can't do it? Look, if you want Danny back, you have to get down and dirty. That is all a man understands Sydney. Trust me. If you want to turn this around, you have to be positive, smile and act like nothing fazes you. You are the same woman, that woman he lust after. You are beautiful, matured, and have style. If you lie down you are done for. Don't give up Sydney," Steven said laying out his plans.

What does style have to do with anything? I thought. At this point, I would have consulted the devil to get Danny to come back to me.

Steven stood and walked around the room gesturing, "You have to look gorgeous, your hair has to look just right, and your makeup has to demonstrate the look of a seductress, think Cleopatra. This is war and you can't take any prisoners," Steven stated slyly, enjoying every minute of my pain, while trying to transform me into his Pygmalion.

I can't believe I'm allowing Steven to tell me what I need to do to get my man back. I have never had a problem before dealing with men, and I knew everything about Danny. That was until now. Now I don't know him at all. Was this my creation? I asked myself knowing the answer.

There was something different about Danny, something I could not touch or feel; a force within him, something I could no longer conquer. He had matured. He was no longer the boy I had been trifling with.

I was finally meeting my match everywhere I turned, and I was afraid I would lose this battle. For the first time I was not sure of myself. I had thrown away the person I desired the most. A person that loved me and now I'm paying a price, because I didn't understand myself enough.

I dressed the next night to go to a party where I knew no one but Steven, and he would be too busy lining up dates for himself to keep me company. I picked out a two-piece number that Steven suggested and adored, and said that if he were a transvestite, he would undeniably wear that number. It was black with white flowers on a top, which fell off my shoulder, with my tiny waist revealed. The skirt was long with a split up to my thigh that showed just enough to slay my dragon. I was hot and exuding sex with my stiletto heels.

Steven and I drove down Pacific Highway before turning into a long driveway. Cars were parked everywhere. Young women filed out to park our car and escort us into this outrageously expensive scenic home.

This beautiful beach home stood amidst the Pacific Ocean. This is the back yard of the super-rich and famous. The moon was faint, it was the first of the month, and there would be a full moon.

The wolves would be out tonight, but I owned the night!

Steven strutted in his search for men. He soon discovered where they were hiding. I left Steven and proceeded straight with my heart pounding. I walked up the stairs into the room, overlooking the beach. Mouths opened and eyes peered; women who could not compete stepped aside.

They gave way and I knew why. I am a woman of the world and I know how to get and keep a man, I thought, giving myself courage. Every man became a potential victim, and I was a threat to all women, young and old.

The women saw the smile on my face, and they knew that I knew what to do to a man to make him want me, so they held on to their men with a tight grip. They saw a woman that could use and abuse a man if so desired. That night was magical; I had an invisible magnetic shield that attracted all men to me.

It would be the best night of my life.

I sashayed through one room, then another looking for Danny. The night before, Steven had gotten the word that all the so-called stars would be sitting in an upstairs room, posturing with their women, admiring the ocean and each other. Letting everyone know that they had the right to be where they were, because they had money, the prettiest women on the planet, and they were the hottest stars in Hollywood.

I continued walking until I reached the room that opened up to the Pacific Ocean. The sun was setting and the burst of light caught my face as I turned and looked into Danny's eyes. He looked at me. His eyes grew large and he placed his drink on a table. I heard some men ask about me.

I walked slowly looking around the beautiful designer room; it was top heavy with expensive paintings and attractive people in the foreground. My heart was pounding from nervousness.

I raised my head and pretended I didn't see Danny. I walked over to a well know womanizer, star, who appeared to be alone, and I postured, as I allowed him to look me up and down. I knew by the type of man he is, he could not turn down a chance to get lucky with a woman he felt could rock his world.

I gave him a come-hither smile, and when I had encouraged him enough, I waited for him to come to me. I strutted slowly away from him, and he came running.

Backing myself against a wall encouraged him to make another move. He knew and I knew there was no place for me to run. Phillip came closer, and put his hand on the wall to prevent my exit.

"My name is Phillip Cross, and this is my home. Do I know you?" He stated in the most seductive low voice.

"My name is Sydney; do you want to know me?"

"I want to know all women that look like you and talk like you, where are you from? You're not from California.

"Are you telling me or asking?" I said trying to be difficult.

"Oh I like your kind."

"What kind is that?" I said softly.

"Difficult and a challenge," he stated.

"No, trust me, you can't handle me."

"I like the way you talk. I haven't had someone talk to me like that for some time."

"You're not into bondage are you?" I said as I gave him a wicked smile.

"Maybe. You aren't afraid of me are you?" He asked, gazing at me with those heavenly blue eyes.

"I'm not afraid of any man," I said lying. I was now afraid of Danny. I was afraid that he didn't want me anymore.

"Oh" he said excited.

As I engaged Phillip in conversation, I saw Danny sweating and his face turning red through his tan, barely containing his anger. His faced changed and his brow wrinkled, and that wonderful tan deepened with Phillip's every word. I saw his raised eyebrow, and I knew he was pissed.

He stood next to a lovely young woman holding him around his waist, and I could tell she was in to him. I recognized the body language, because I had seen it many times when we were together and in love.

He stood there in those distressed designer jeans he loved to wear, and those expensive leather jackets that reminded him of his life in Scotland. He stared at me with a sinister look, as if to say, don't you do this. Don't go in that room with him. I could read his mind. I was intent on doing just the opposite.

Danny tried to prove to me that he could live without me, and he had better mean it, because I was going to find out and find out in a hurry. I did not have much time to waste. I had to get back to our son.

Phillip put his arm around my waist and I read Danny's mind once again. He looked as if he would die; he turned colorless; he was a ghost. I was again ripping his heart out and laying it before him. I enjoyed it this time. Payback is a bitch, I thought.

"Let's go into the room and talk, no one is going to miss you," Phillip said, assuming that no one knew me at the party.

"Someone might miss me," I warned.

"I'll take my chances," he stated arrogantly captivated by my eyes and body, while fixated on my breast and lips.

I walked into the bedroom of a movie star that was more famous then Danny and a great deal richer. We sat and talked, and just when I thought I had given Danny enough time to stew, I said, "Phillip I'm going to take a shower," Phillip's mouth began to water like Pavlov's dog. He could not believe his luck.

I took a quick shower, as I strutted out of the shower, with a towel loosely covering my body, you could play the scene again from last night, only I'm the one with a towel wrapped around me.

Lying in his bed naked, fully confident that he had a great body, Phillip waited for what he thought was going to be an exciting evening of sex. Maybe a little of everything, but surely whatever his heart desired. Then the door sailed open.

"What the bloody hell are you doing?" Danny said, talking to me, but looking at Phillip.

"I'm in my bedroom and what I'm doing is none of your fucking business Danny," shouted Phillip.

Danny turned his head in my direction.

"I'm busy, Danny; call me tomorrow when you have time, but don't wait too long." I punctuated each word as if I were in a black and white Betty Davis movie; giving as good as I got, with a smile that would make the devil proud.

"Do you know this fucking Brit, Sydney?" Phillip said looking up at me.

"He's not British, he's Scottish," I said laughing, putting my hand to my mouth, and dropping my towel. Picking up the towel and peeping at Phillip and then Danny, I said, "I told you there could be a problem."

"There isn't going to be a problem if Danny gets his ass out of my room."

"Piss off, I'm not leaving without Sydney," Danny stated angrily.

"So this is the woman everyone is talking about. This is the woman that dumped the great Danny McCloud in Vegas. I thought you were gay." Phillip said in an envious rage.

Phillip had become jealous of Danny because Danny was replacing him as the new action star. Danny had taken him down from his perch as the hottest star to date, the next big thing, and you could see the hostility between the two of them. I didn't make it any better.

"You're not going to have my woman! Sydney, get your clothes on!" Danny said, exerting his authority.

"Your woman, you seem to have forgotten you have one woman too many," Phillip stated as he began to leave the bed.

"Yeah Danny, go back to your little girl and leave the adults to do what adults do," I said as I flashed my sexy smile. A smile that said I could give Phillip what you have been longing for.

I shot a sexy gaze and then winked at Danny. Before I could say another word, Danny hit Phillip. Phillip didn't look like a man who had ever seen battle.

Phillip fell over the bed and tumbled to the floor. Danny walked around the bed and hit Phillip again before he could get to his feet. Phillip was just as astonished as I. Danny was a man who had to fight for everything he wanted in life, and what he fought for he wasn't giving it up easily.

I tried to help Phillip get to his feet, but Danny reached and grabbed my wrist as I screamed cursing him and him cursing me. Danny dragged me out of the room, down the stairs, and out of the house with nothing on but a towel, in front of every Hollywood personality in the world.

Every news station on all continents would be televising this event, I thought. Pictures and videos would be in newspapers and on the internet from here to Rome. Twitter would be hot as they talk about how two famous movie stars fought over Sydney Benning. Others would ask who the hell is Sydney Benning.

Someone grabbed a camcorder. Everyone holding phones began filming as if it was a movie of the week. I knew I would lose my job at W.O.W. There I was a leading columnist for Women of the World, and here I'm being dragged out of a celebrity party cave man style, in a towel. It wasn't a pretty picture.

Danny shoved me into his car and drove. I pleaded with him to take me back to the hotel. I yelled at him until I was hoarse. He did not say a word as he drove silently through the hills. Danny took me to his home, the home that would have been mine, if I hadn't been so stupid.

"Get out of the car!" he demanded with a faraway look in his eyes.

"I'm not going anywhere!" I protested. He walked away after taking the keys and left me in a towel in a freezing car in the driveway of his home.

Eventually, I calmed myself and hurried out of the car. I walked into his home and to a man I've wanted all my life. You could feel the tension and passion. Danny was calm now. He sat in a large soft brown leather chair near a fire, and then he stood. He had on only a towel wrapped around his waist.

I saw a body that put me in a trance, his wide shoulders, and hard chest and biceps that moved with his motion. I closed my eyes and he could hear the hard breathing coming from my mouth.

"What are you trying to do to me?" he asked as he moved close to me.

"I'm not doing anything." I hope he didn't realize that I set him up.

"Yes you are, Sydney, I can feel it. I feel everything about you. When you're not here, I feel you. I still smell your scent you left on me in Las Vegas. That scent said that you love me. What went wrong?" He moved closer, then closed his eyes, put his head to the side, and kissed my neck.

Sydney's smell was a lullaby to Danny, it filled his life, it took his soul, and locked it away where only she had a key.

"I'm not going to let you hurt me any longer."

I didn't want to hurt Danny, I did everything because I loved him, and wanted him to have a career and be famous. He couldn't accomplish that with me around, I thought.

"Why aren't you with Sean?" His eyes searched my eyes and my body like a hungry animal.

"Remember I came to bring you your keys and ring."

"I don't want that ring. I've been asking you why and you still haven't said a word. When are you going to tell me the truth?

I remembered a movie where one of the characters shouted, "You can't take the truth." Well Danny couldn't take the truth.

"You were going to give Phillip Cross what I wanted from you. You were going to give him what I've been longing for."

I let him think what he wanted because he wasn't innocent. He tried to replace me. I couldn't blame him no matter how I tried because I started all of this. I wanted him to continue talking because I wanted to be reassured of his love for me.

Danny's eyes opened wide. His eyes turned a shade of deep green. Then he tore the towel from my body and threw it to the floor. He peered at my naked body and my breast with his mouth opened. He grabbed my breast with one hand and with the other hand, slid his finger throughout my body, while reaching an erection with each motion of his hand.

He knelt to kiss my stomach—then my thighs. He took both hands and began feeling my body. My nipples became hard as he gently moved his hands over them. I went to my knees. I was under his control. He crawled between my legs and began to explore places on my body he had never ventured. He turned my body where I was face down on the floor, and he kissed me from my shoulders, back, buttocks, on and on giving me unbelievable arousal as he controlled me with his kisses.

He then entered me and repeatedly made love to me until he was satisfied that he was the one; and that no one could ever take me away from him again.

He never wanted to leave me and I didn't want him to go. We wanted to be forever in each other's arms making love until there was nothing left inside of us for anyone.

I began trying to explain what had happened to me and why I ran away from him.

I tried to start at the beginning, but at that instance, the phone rang. I made him answer the telephone.

"Yea, Danny here."

"Danny this is Max, are you doing anything important? Well, you have to catch a flight out tonight. You need to be in England in two days to audition for a part that will assure you millions.You don't have to work again for a while if you don't want."

"No, I can't leave now."

"Danny, you know what it means, you have to go," I whispered knowing that I was the only person who could stop him.

"Max I'll call you back." He dropped the phone.

"I'm not going to take that flight Sydney."

"Danny you have to."

"Only if you meet me or stay here. I don't want to lose you again."

"I can't stay here. What about Sean?"

"Go get Sean. Sydney I need you more than ever. You have to be with me otherwise

I'm lost."

There was a sense of profound need in his every word, but I thought he would be okay, at least until I could straighten out this mess. I have wasted so much of my life not being with Danny. Just when we need more time it appears, we never have enough.

I wouldn't tell Danny that I could not take Sean out of Texas without Robert's permission, because Danny would have killed Robert and me. Danny was too busy trying to make money to have a life he had dreamed of when he was a youth in Scotland; a woman that he loved and children; he was too busy to see what had transpired all around him.

"I'll bring him back." I convinced Danny. I didn't know how much more of this I could stand or how much Danny would take from me; I had entangled his soul in mine. The lies began to get more intricate, and I watched as I set the foundation that breeds distrust and hate.

When did the deceit begin and when was it going to end? Danny flew to England with my assurance that I would bring Sean to L.A. If life was easy and not complicated than that would have been a cinch, go to Robert, tell him that I was leaving him to be with Sean's father. Oh I forgot he is Sean's father—legally.

I flew into Houston and Steven flew to New York. I remember the flight attendant saying how if there is trouble on or with the airplane, we could do 1-2-3. I remember wishing the plane would never land.

I was hoping for a crash, but that would be unfair to my baby, and Robert would never get the chance to call me every whore he could think of, and Danny who would never get the chance to walk away from me and never see me again.

I even forgot about the passengers with my selfish wish, but who knows, maybe I wasn't alone, life is like that. Just when you think you are the only one feeling the way you do—miserable, you find out it's a human condition and everyone gets their chance to wish they were dead.

During my stay in Los Angeles, I learned that Steven was having problems with his boyfriend. Waiting for my plane, I heard that Steven is a suspect in a murder. How ridiculous, I thought. The next thought was: Steven wouldn't hurt a fly.

I promised that I would return to Danny's home with Sean when he returned from England. I didn't know what to do with Robert in Texas. So I by past Texas and rushed to New York to help Steven.

Chapter 8

Steven's Problem

I arrived in Manhattan just after midnight from L.A. in the dead of winter. Manhattan looks different now in the middle of the night; the lights give a false impression of the world around it. It's the lights of a city embracing its darkness.

The cabby drove me to my apartment and I longed for the silence it provided. I spoke to the doorman, and quietly entered, praying not to meet any neighbors.

I opened my door and there sat Steven. I had given him my key. Tears began to stream down his face. These were tears of desperation. I understand that everyone some time or the other will have a moment when life becomes too complicated.

"Steven what's wrong?" I said, putting my arms around him trying to comfort him.

"I'm in deep shit," he said with his head in his hands covering his face.

"What kind of shit?" I said all the time trying to unpack while pretending that his situation didn't rank as serious.

Steven followed me from room to room like a little puppy that had missed its owner and a meal.

"I told you about that guy I was dating; well he was dating someone besides me." Steven sounded as if he was describing a prom date that turned out bad. I wasn't so cruel as to tell him what I was thinking: that he should get a fucking hold on himself.

"Is that what you consider important and deep shit?" I stated impatiently.

"No, I haven't finished, stop interrupting me!" he stated tense and annoyed.

"He's married and had a wife."

"I know he's married—but what do you mean...had a wife... is she alive?"

"Stop interrupting! Steven shouted.

"Well the wife is dead and they think I...I committed the murder."

"You didn't kill her, did you?"

"How could you ask me a question like that?"

"Because people do strange things when they're in love," I said thinking about what I had done. "Wait a minute Steven, who are they? Identify your characters."

"Sydney, shut up!"

"The police think I committed the murder."

"Do they have any suspects beside you and her husband?"

"No, I'm the main person of interest."

"What about the man he's seeing?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"What do you mean you don't want to talk about it? You are in serious shit and you better talk about something." Steven paused then walked around my Chinese table with his hands tucked in his pockets and his shoulders hunched.

"He said that he had broken off his affair with Mr. X and he was going to ask his wife for a divorce and come out of the closet so we could be together. We are in love Sydney. Don't you understand?" Steven shouted.

"I'm not the one you have to convince, Steven."

I did understand because love is love. It doesn't matter where you find it, or with whom. Love is debilitating. Everyone in love is handicapped. There should be signs everywhere, "Watch out for People in Love." People should be made to wear signs too, so that everyone can recognize them and know to stay clear, because people in love might do anything—walk in front of a moving car, lie, cheat, steal, or murder.

"Sydney, don't get ugly," Steven said as if reading my mind.

"Steven you are too close to the situation and you are not thinking."

"What happened to his wife?"

"The police said she was hacked to pieces and dumped by the side of the road in New Jersey. I saw Sam on national television leading the search."

"Now that's original. What are you going to do?"

"I don't know?"

"Well I can't get involved with this situation because reporters could connect me with Danny, then his career would be shot to hell."

"Screw Danny! It's my life now."

"Steven, I told you about Sam and you didn't want to listen."

"You can't leave me now," he said sounding like a small child.

I felt compassion for Steven. He is such a good friend, and I couldn't desert him at this point. I allowed him to stay overnight to get himself together. He couldn't go home, or to work, because of the detectives and the press. Steven wished it would all go away, but it didn't.

Things like murder have a habit of hanging around like destitute relatives.

The phone began to ring the next morning as Steven and I were having a cup of coffee. Steven hands waved violently, "No!"

"I have to answer the phone."

"Don't answer it! It could be a newspaper reporter."

"Don't be stupid, how would they know you're here?"

Steven sat hiding from the world, because he couldn't handle what life had just dealt him. I ignored Steven's paranoia and answered.

"Danny is calling and he is furious." I held my hand over the microphone and whispered to Steven.

"Sydney, why are you in New York? I thought you were going to Texas to get Sean?" Danny stated.

"Everything is OK Danny. Steven is having a little problem. You know I love you and I'll see you soon." I didn't want to say more because I didn't want Danny questioning me further. Then I would have to lie. He finally hung up, satisfied that I would get Sean, and we would be together in L.A.

I turned to Steven, "You can't hide out forever. You have to do something."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Look Steven we have to find out if Sam is seeing someone."

"Do you know his name? Do you know anything about him?" I questioned. "Steven, I know you aren't a fool, but not knowing your competition is stupid."

"Like you know who your competition is," Steven said sarcastically.

"This is not about me, and you'd better focus, because you know what they do to good-looking gay guys in jail." I finally got his attention.

"Yea, I see what you mean," he said coming to his senses.

We planned all day how to stake out Sam's apartment. If we had to spend a year searching for Mr. X we had no choice. We had to discover who Mr. X is. We had to find out who Sam was seeing because Steven's life depended on it.

* * * *

The next day we rented a car. We didn't want to be noticed lurking around, and the car, a dark compact Honda suited our purpose. We were into our new jobs—detectives. I guess we could have been Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson or you could call us Abbot and Costello. That night we sat in that little car looking as if we were going to rob someone; there we sat hiding, and casing Sam's apartment.

Finally, Sam trotted out of his apartment about eleven pm on the coldest Saturday night I have ever experienced in New York City, wearing a dark blue pea coat. The kind you see sailors wearing in those old movies. After I completed commentary on his attire, Steven became angry because he had given Sam that coat, and Sam dared wear it on a tryst with someone else.

"He has his nerves, wearing my coat to see another man," he said, as he became angry with himself for being a fool.

I had to remind Steven why we were here and that Sam was no longer his wonderful paramour. He had to face the fact that Sam was a murderer; he long ceased to be the love of Steven's life.

After leaving his apartment, Sam looked around nervously as if he had something to hide, then went to his garage and drove out in his Lexus.

Steven tried to make excuses for Sam. Steven said that he probably had to walk the dog, but there was no dog in sight. I had to tell Steven to wake up and get real. He's in a car and not walking his dog.

It is strange what love will do to your senses. Love will tell you that you are blind when you can see. Love will make you laugh when you know you should be crying; love will make you walk around not seeing the world. Love will conquer your mind and will. You can't think or function. You become totally insane, not knowing truth from fiction.

Sam drove several times around the block and finally stopped at another apartment. He called someone on his cell phone, and that someone ran out and jumped into Sam's car.

It was clear that the two men were connected in some way, because the man kissed Sam when he entered the car. At that moment, I looked over at Steven and his face showed disappointment, heartache, and hatred. He did not say a word; he did not have to. The pain was etched on his face.

The couple drove around for hours as we followed close behind, and the rendezvous ended near the borough of Queens near an airport motel.

We waited until Sam exited the car into the lobby of this cheap motel, and walked out of the lobby with a key. I suggested we call the police, but Steven said that the police might arrest us for wasting their time.

There we were again sitting in a parked car, in the middle of winter, in the dark, waiting to be car jacked or mugged. A beggar sauntered up to the car, and then asked for two dollars. He stood leering, then patiently waited for an answer.

Here we are paying someone not to mugs us, I thought. We looked frantically for the money he requested. To our surprise, we left our money in the apartment. Steven finally managed to find two quarters. The homeless man said, "I guess if that's all you have." Then he left without a thank you.

I explained to Steven that I didn't come to New York to be killed in a parked car in front of a cheesy motel in the dead of winter. I could have very well stayed in Texas and died in the warmth of the sun in comfortable surroundings. I could have been anywhere in the world, and here I am in Queens, in front of a sleazy motel. What a night!

Steven sat in the cold car crying and moaning like hell was breaking loose. He didn't believe that Sam was cheating on him with another man, and one that had more money than he.

You could tell by the apartment Mr. X crept out of that he was from old money, not the type of money I inherited from Mike, or the money Steven was stealing from rich women in his salon on the beauty treatments he swore they needed.

Steven didn't see Sam's wife as a threat, but another man just did not sit right with him. When he realized what was happening to him he became angrier. His thinking became irrational. I tried to convince him not to get out of the car, but he didn't listen.

It was an asinine race of the heart, and Steven was the lead donkey—tripping on his own tail and coming in last. He ran and slipped on the shoveled snow that had hardened into ice, yet that didn't stop him. He got up and headed for the room.

The next thing I knew, Steven kicked in the hotel door, as I stood screaming for him to stop. I'm sure he didn't think that through, because he did not want to see Mr. X and Sam in the act of simulating animalistic passionate love. It was a triangle that Steven didn't want to participate in or could not; yet he was in love and love makes you crazy.

Steven looked comical as he initiated the act of kicking in a door, if the door hadn't been flimsy, Steven would have severed his arm and leg and probably lost consciousness. I attributed his eagerness to too much television at an early age and more cop shows than the law allowed.

As he entered the room like a jealous woman who had caught her husband in a compromising position, he broke down and cried once more. I was in complete empathy with Steven, because he was an easy victim—he was in love.

Mr. X was completely surprised to see a woman and a man in front row seats to an X rated event, best left on the cable channel, seedy theatres, and back alleys.

"How could you?" Steven shouted.

"Steven it's not what you think," Sam said, as Mr. X. glanced at Sam and ran for the restroom. Sam no doubt thought Steven did not believe his own eyes, or left his mind in Manhattan.

"If it is not what I think, then what is it?" Steven said standing with his hand on his hip. He was such a contradiction. One minute Miami Vice, the next minute he should have been arrested by the Vice.

"I see you here with another man and your wife is dead, and I am up on murder charges. Looks like you two are having a fucking good time at my expense."

Steven finally came to his senses, but it took some time.

"You told me that you loved me, and here I find you with this old, rich, cunt. What do you have to say for yourself, Sam?" Everyone was silent, even Mr. X. who at his age of sixty and change was quite handsome with startling blue eyes and mingled grey hair and a taut body. "What do you have to say? You two hung me out to dry, and let me take a rap for that murder; now you are fucking celebrating."

There was nothing for Sam to say. Steven reached for the nearest lamp and flung it into the mirror. Maybe he could not stand to see the double image of his lover coiled with another man like Rodin's statue, "The Kiss." Maybe he couldn't stand to see his own image and what he became when he was jealous. Maybe it was the shame of loving someone blindly that made him look stupid.

I couldn't stand to watch another minute of the melee between upscale people, in this low-class low-scale motel, so I proceeded to call the police. I knew enough about human nature to understand that Steven was out of control, and out of his class. He laid his warm heart bare, and he saw the coldness of the heart of his lover.

The lies were too much. I knew there would be a stabbing or a shooting. In some societies, this is the natural course of life when men and women betray their lovers. In life, when love is involved, the natural course is like a river that flows freely destroying everything in its path.

Steven raised such hell with the screaming and shouting that the manager called the police before I had a chance to; everyone visited the nearby precinct, including me. No one recognized me, but the detective questioned me, and sent me home at nine the next morning.

The police kept Steven and the results proved to be in Steven's favor. Sam and Mr. X broke like old twigs.

It was through this discourse that the police found out that Sam and Mr. X had conspired to kill Sam's wife, because they were going to live happily ever after. It never ends that way; they were not discovering something new. Murder for love isn't new, it is old as time.

It will take time for Steven to get over Sam and the ordeal of treachery and lies.

Steven felt for a moment that everything is a fairy tale, and he was going to live happily ever after. However, like all good fairy tales, you get a few trolls and witches, and somewhere some time you may find happiness—well maybe.

Betrayal is a tricky concept. I have betrayed Danny, and it wasn't much different than what was happening to Steven. I had promised Danny that I would be back in L.A. but I couldn't. I tried to destroy his happiness and now I couldn't give him the love and happiness he deserved.

I was now in the hide and seek mode until I could figure what to do next. I plan to hide and stall Danny, then make my escape from Robert.

* * * *

Bright Lights and Big City

Steven and I decided that we needed to get out and socialize, go to a party to get over our depression. I saw faces I had seen in the movies, on television; there they were in person, singers, actors, models. A famous actor, a name that escapes me appeared to be much taller in the movies. I kept saying I didn't know he drank so much. And I did not know she was into heroin, pills, and cocaine.

I had no contact with Danny since I had promised to return to L.A. with Sean. Danny had gone to England and should have been on his way back to L.A. I was sitting and talking to some of Steven's friends at a trendy club for the stars, aptly named the Red Carpet. Then to my surprise, in walked Danny with a top model by the name of Page. She had to be about 21 and six feet one. She looked as if she should be dating a basketball player not my Danny. She was poised and beautiful, but young; I knew Danny did not care for women that young, or was I kidding myself, he was with her. She had a smile that hid secrets.

I didn't recognize Danny at first. He staggered into the room clutching and spilling a drink. He did not see me, and I was glad of that until Steven made his way to speak to him, and inquire about the young woman accompanying him. That was Steven's way of getting dirt so he would have something to gossip about in his salon. Plus, he needed something to ride me about.

Steven just couldn't get over his relationship with Sam and all the dirty business that ensued. He was determined to be miserable and to make everyone pay.

Danny was the last person I wanted to see, because I was buying time. I had to come up with an answer for Robert and Danny. I was trying to figure out how to get my son from Robert without Danny finding out what I allowed Robert to do.

I didn't want Danny to deal with Robert because the Texas laws are backwards. If a woman lives with a man and he introduces her as his wife then the woman is considered his common law wife. I guess I was his wife. "A rose by any other name smells the same."

Steven pointed my way. Danny's eyes met mine. I knew there would be another scene played out that night. It appeared that Danny and I could not talk to each other without emotions and drama. Danny walked over to me looking gorgeous and drunk.

"What are you doing here...Sydney?" he said slurring his words. "Don't you have a baby to care for, or have you given those chores to that man you're living with?"

"How dare you talk to me like that. Who the hell are you with?" I said angrily.

"I don't care who you're with," he countered, slicing me with a double edge sword, cutting me deep. "I only care about my son. I called my maid from England, to find out if you had gone to Los Angeles with my son, and you never made it to my house."

"You said it was our house," I reminded him.

"That was a long time ago, a life time," he said as if playing out everything in his head. I couldn't tell him what I was hiding. He couldn't take it.

"See, because of you I took a drink, and I haven't stopped since I left England," he whispered and swayed in my direction. He reached behind me to put his cigarette out and leaned closer to my face, closed his eyes, smelled my scent, then shook his head.

"Don't put this on me," I said moving away. "Danny you have to stop drinking."

"How can I stop if I can't be with you? I might as well drink and fuck who I can to forget you," he said sucking on another cigarette with those lips that should be sucking on me.

"Danny don't say that, I can't stand it."

"Yes you can. You left me and gave my son to another man when we had a chance to be happy and a family. Now it's over. You're nothing to me, but a cold-hearted bitch; nothing but a Warm Body with a Cold Heart!" He kept chanting in a whisper. "I said I will destroy you if I have to take myself down too, remember?"

Danny was well on his way to making that come true.

I tried to walk away but he grabbed my arm, and looked me in the eyes. "I'm going to take you out of here and make love to you," he said pulling my hand and staggering to the exit.

"Don't you get it, I don't want you anymore Danny. You are a druggie and a drunk."

"If I am, you made me that way, you and that bastard Robert."

He was standing near a pretty, brown-eyed woman that could have been me five years ago. I wasn't going to allow him to curse at me in front of everyone and especially the young drugged out bitch.

I turned around and slapped him. He looked at me and his face turned sallow and sickly. He put his head down and turned away from me. I wanted him to do something, say something. He stood there and everyone stood still to see what was coming next.

When Danny and I are together, there were always headlines. I saw paparazzi taking pictures as I landed the first blow. The slap was blistering and the sound was shattering. I knew Danny, or at least I thought I knew him. He would never touch me, but he was drinking and I suspected drugs. I had never seen him in a state like the one I was witnessing. When was this going to end with Danny and me? Every time I got a chance to end the craziness another state of lunacy takes hold of my life. Things keep going on and on with never an ending.

Danny turned and walked away into a private VIP room with his 20 something model. Steven brought me a needed drink; I composed myself; then wandered into the room to see what was happening.

The room is filled with young men and women, older men, and a few thirty something women. They were the beautiful people with money, habits, and time. Everyone sat around tables that extended from one end of the sofa to another. Smoke filled the air and music suffocated the room. The minute I entered, a young attractive man introduced himself. "Yo! I got what you need, my name is Anthony." Sydney paused looking alarmed.

"And just what do I need?"

"You could need any number of things. Say the word and you've got it."

"My name is Anthony, just Anthony."

"What do you do here, Anthony?" I asked.

"I own the joint."

"Really, tell me, do you know those two?" I pointed to Danny and the young woman.

"Yeah, sure, that is Danny the big star and Page, she's a model," he explained with a wicked turned down smile.

"She's my woman," he said proudly in a drunken state of euphoria.

"Really, I thought she was Danny's woman."

"That's what he thinks, Page is mine."

"Does anyone know that she's your woman besides you?" I said humoring him.

"Everyone knows except Danny."

Anger wore my face like a Venetian mask. I wanted to protect Danny even if he was with someone else; because I felt that it was my fault that he became involved with the likes of Page. I couldn't tell him; he wouldn't believe me. He had to find out the dirty secret that was not a secret to anyone but him. I saw and heard enough, and I was ready to leave, but before I left, I was going to have a talk with Page.

I tapped her on the shoulder, "Excuse me but my name..."

"I know who you are. I recognize you from the pictures in Danny's house and Phillip Cross's party. You're Sydney. I guess you know me too," Page stated not giving a damn as she lit a cigarette and blew the smoke in my face.

"I just want you to know that I'm on to you and that boyfriend of yours."

"Go ahead tell Danny. He won't believe you."

She was right. I couldn't tell him. "I can tell you one thing, you are fucking with my man and my life," I said, surprised at my transformation. I never stooped so low. I guess you never know what's inside until you feel threatened—another lesson learned.

"Well I can tell you one thing, you fucked that up yourself when you left Danny," Page stated with a grin.

I didn't know how she found out all that information on me. I know Danny wouldn't tell her certain things, so it had to be Max. I left the restroom with all the young women puking and snorting drugs. I left before I made the wrong statements; besides, I didn't have Danny anymore, so I'm fighting for someone that just doesn't belong to me.

I found Steven in a crowd of men. I let him know I was leaving and going back to Texas on the midnight flight out of Kennedy airport.

I kept asking myself how Danny could get involved in something as serious as cocaine. He was drinking and doing drugs and I would never get the chance to have my family together. Sean would never be able to grow up with his father. What have I done to myself and what was Danny to do? I had to figure something out. I have to do something to save my family.

I had over two hours to think on the plane to Houston. I have to get Robert to relinquish his hold on Sean and me, and allow Danny to see his son. I knew the answer to that.

If I couldn't convince Robert, then I would have to take drastic measures before Danny tired of my bullshit, and took things into his drugged out hands.

I knew if Danny stole Sean, Robert would have him arrested. It was a Herculean task and it would take Hercules to clean up this mess.

Chapter 9

Anthony meets Page for the first time

Anthony began his career as a homeless urchin on the streets of New York. He is an affable young man who didn't waste his time with high school. Nevertheless, he had a Ph. D. in dealing drugs, hustling, and women. He knew how to talk to anyone, highbrow, or low. He used the currency of drugs to get where he wanted to be in life. He wanted money, the envy of men, and any woman he desired.

A tough street mentality was all Anthony needed, and he was equipped for the cold world. His career began as a petty thief and he moved up to buying and distributing drugs. He knew everything about human nature; he knew that anyone could get addicted to anything, and drugs were at the top of the list.

"Give someone the right time, circumstances, and the right person to introduce them to the drugs," he would brag. "And I'll have them for life." That's where Page fit into his program.

Anthony, a small-time dealer, suddenly became a big time player in Hollywood and New York.

Page sauntered into Anthony's club one night. It catered to anyone with shit loads of money.

Anthony a handsome man of 25, dark complexion, curly hair, deep black eyes, and a well-developed physique made girls and women give him their bodies.

He loved to dress in the latest fashions making him the envy of most men. He knew what to do to catch a woman's eye and he had everything they wanted if it included sex, drugs, and rock and roll.

His only drawback was his height, he was average, he was only 5'6", but that didn't stop him from bleeding with charm and charisma. He exerted a great sense of confidence, plus a great body. His preference is tall women, which gave him a complex of superiority, to compensate for his somewhat short statue.

The night Page fell into his life, he had many young women. Page understood Anthony because she had spent time living her life in foster homes, where she escaped. She lived on the streets until a photographer, in Washington Square Park in New York City, discovered her one summer evening, after that, she was no longer homeless, she could buy anything she wanted. She became a super model and lived all over the world with her choice of men, but now she desired Anthony.

Anthony and Page understood each other; they came from the same background, down and out in New York City. A world that only the homeless, disenfranchise, lonely, unloved, would understand. Theirs was a life of all night partying and living off whom-ever would allow them to rest their heads before they headed for the streets.

Selling drugs came very early in Anthony's career, and he became one of the best street criminals in New York. He was a child of a Hispanic mother, and an Italian father who died early. Anthony never remembered his father and his mother eventually died from cancer when he was a teenager. He was never around to be a part of her life, because he was on the streets early with his homeboys trying to make a living, and make it through the night.

With a lot of luck and lots of street smarts, he was able to buy a club and get off the streets, which he knew would shortened any career. Anthony bought a club and eventually made enough money to get a bigger place.

It was in club Red Carpet that he met Page. He remembered how innocent she appeared when first they met. He later found out she was also smart. It was love at first sight.

Page sashayed into The Red Carpet wearing the shortest mini, showing long legs, and advertising her tailored breast.

Anthony fell madly in love or as much in love as he could stand; he could not wait until he had her in his bed. Page wasn't an easy conquest; she had been on the streets too long and had to deal with too many men to be a fool for Anthony.

She had money, so he could not offer that, she had fame as a top model, which she had gotten all on her own. He knew what the closer would be and that would be to introduce her to drugs.

He didn't want to give her cocaine initially, just enough to loosen her up, because he had to have her. The night she bounced into the club, he figured he had better make his move before someone else did. Once the guys knew she was his, they would back away.

Page strutted to the bar to get a drink after leaving her girlfriends to fend off the locals.

"Excuse me but I've been waiting for a drink for hours. Could I get a grasshopper?" Anthony knew by the type of drink Page ordered that she was not use to drinking, and if she continued with that drink, she would be sick and of no use to him—so he offered her a brandy.

"Why don't you try some Remy?"

"I've never had that type of drink before."

"Trust me you'll like it."

She did trust him and tried it; her body got such a warm feeling from it that she asked for another.

"You'd better slow down with your drinking," he said.

Page was surprised by his concern; she never had anyone in her life worry about her. She was susceptible to his advances and false feelings. She tried to pay for the drink and Anthony refused to accept the money. That had to be a first she thought.

All the men she knew would never give her a dime without something in return. She was a little incredulous and surprised that a bartender could afford to buy her an expensive drink.

"Thank you, but I'll pay for my drinks, I'm sure you can't afford them on your salary," she said, putting the money down and looking back as she walked away.

He did not look as if he had a dime. She looked further, and saw a strong body, a pleasing smile, and a handsome face. Instantly she became attracted to him.

Anthony walked from behind the bar and walked up to the six foot gorgeous beauty and introduced himself. He could not let her get away and he would do whatever it took to get her.

"My name is Anthony Miro. It's my mother's maiden name. I just felt that I should tell you about myself if you have time."

"Why would I want to know your life story?"

"Because this is love at first sight for me and I don't intend to let you get away without getting your phone number and letting you know I own this place. I've seen you before and I never got a chance to tell you how much I like you."

"Well, I like you too."

"No, you don't understand, I really like you. Give me a chance and let me show you."

Page began smiling. He has balls, she thought.

He didn't care if she liked him, he liked her and that is all that was necessary. What Anthony didn't know was that she was attracted to him the moment she saw him, but she was not interested in a man who was just a bartender.

Page did not want to date ordinary men with 9-5 jobs and with little or no income. She was tired of the models life because she had been working since she was fifteen. She thought that if she could find a man with money, she could secure her future.

The only problem Page had was every time she dated a man with money, they were not exciting. She needed more than money, she craved excitement, she was a thrill seeker—no better way to get a thrill than to find a bad boy, and this was the type of man who could turn her on, and Anthony fit the bill.

Page achieved a quiet thrill from the way he walked (head upright and chest out showing no fear) and his guttural language. He was a man who could provide all the thrills she could desire in a lifetime. He lived a dangerous life, but she wasn't aware of that at the time.

"I have an apartment above the club, come on up and have a drink with me," Anthony stated convincingly.

"I'll have only one drink." Page walked alongside Anthony as he paraded her through the crowd to let anyone who eyed her as a conquest—keep hands off.

Anthony led Page to the elevators and up to the large loft. He held her hand then walked in front, and led her through the doors and into the loft where the bedroom was separated by a large bookcase. The entire floor was a large room, divided by expensive furnishings. Anthony didn't waste time. He had business to complete and conquests to make.

"Have a seat on my bed."

"I've never seen a bed that large before," Page said passing her hands over it.

"Don't you want to see more of it?" he said laughing as he began to pour her another drink.

"I'll let you know tomorrow," she said taking the glass out of his hand.

Anthony didn't have until tomorrow, he had only today. He walked into the bathroom, pulled out a package, and then put it on a mirror.

"Do you want to try some?" Page was a person always looking for her next thrill so it came easy for her to say yes. It was not as if she had never tried coke, but she had never been around so much of it. Anthony had more coke than she could snort, and he kept bringing her more and more.

Page was on planet Mars at this point with the drinking and the drugs. Anthony then made his move.

"Page let me help you unbutton your blouse." Page agreed with her head bobbing forward indicating yes. At this point, she's shaken and stirred from the Remy Martin and coke. She was Alice in the looking glass falling into a big hole, going around and around until she couldn't see or hear anything.

Anthony on seeing Page's childlike breast seized them and began sucking them hard. Oblivious to the pain, Page lay like a zombie and allowed Anthony's ravenous, insatiable, sexual appetite to run unchecked. After intercourse, he put her on her back, and then proceeded to ravish her again. This time he marked his territory and she knew it but did not protest.

Page woke in Anthony's bed the next morning, and all she could remember was that her body was hurting in every orifice except her ears and nose. She looked up and saw Anthony standing over her smiling.

"What's so funny?"

"You, you came in here and you didn't even want to talk to me early on and here you are the next day."

"What did you give me?"

"Everything you wanted, you kept asking for more doggie style, so I gave it to you all night."

"I feel terrible."

"You should, you have a big appetite for drugs, liquor, and sex."

"I have to leave. I have to be on Seventh Avenue in a few hours." Page took a shower, then dressed and smiled at Anthony because she enjoyed herself. He had what she wanted and she had what he wanted. They appeared made for each other. Anthony walked her out of the club, and hailed a cab. He had business to transact. He let her go, only after he got her cell number and home phone.

Anthony's business was too many women and too much money and drugs. He liked the women and they liked his drugs. He now added one more woman to his corral of hot young things.

Walking back into his club, he raised his hands and yelled, "Yes, I've never had a piece of ass like that." He felt like a man on the top of the world. He had finally gotten a real thoroughbred or so he thought, but he had no illusions. He had seen it all and he was still impressed with the cool model that had struck a chord with him.

Anthony immediately called one of his friends to accompany him to his girl's apartment. Her name is Kesha; she is an outstanding showstopper of a woman, with honey brown skin, and a great vocabulary.

He liked her conversations, but it didn't hurt that she provided all the nasty raunchy sex he could take. And he could take plenty!

Chapter 10

Harlem Nights

Kesha thought she was Anthony's only woman because he made all the women think that they were special. He had more energy than he had sense. Kesha lived in a Brownstone in Harlem, it had been a well-kept building, and pretty quiet until Anthony started stashing his drugs there.

Infatuated with Anthony, and believing he was the best thing that had come her way, she succumbed to his charms, but he probably was the best man she ever had in her life.

She had a job working in a topless bar and everyone in the neighborhood thought she bought the apartment and car with what she saved from a job as a secretary. That was the lie she told.

Kesha's true desire was to be a Rap artist like Little Kim, so she hung out with a friend of Anthony, who was a rapper and sometime drug dealer.

B stupid was his street name and he was a hundred percent thug who was intent on using drugs to finance his way to becoming a Rap star. He hung out in bars with Kesha and at her pad on a regular basis. He was well aware that her man was Anthony, and that's why he solicited her friendship, which turned into sexual encounters.

There were no illusions among that crowd, the world of drugs and money involved sleaze, deception, and loose bonds.

Anthony bought the home in Harlem, and Kesha was his tenant and woman. He needed a way to keep the drugs away from him. Kesha equated love and money as the same thing. She figured that if she had his money then she must have his love.

Anthony just let her look at the money and never spent much on her. He was a businessman, and he never let business and pleasure mix.

Putting his key into the lock of Kasha's apartment, at any time of the day, gave him a high. She knew he could come home at any time and she was always waiting for him to transact business or satisfy his sexual needs.

Kesha greeted him wearing no bra and a G-string which looked more like a sling shot. With a hard kiss she said, "Hey lover man, what's up?"

"I can't stay long so get what I need so I can go," Anthony said coldly.

"I thought you would spend time with me. You know I can't go uptown to your club to see you," she said annoyed.

"You know how that goes," Anthony quipped.

"Yea, I know."

Kesha never asked any questions, she was just happy to see him sometimes. Anthony had been spending less time with her than usual, which made her uneasy. Now he wasn't even spending time to talk, or relieve her sexual desires.

Anthony couldn't waste time on Kesha; he had to cement a relationship with Page, because he knew he finally found a winner.

She had what it took to get real money. He wouldn't have to work his butt off selling drugs out of his club. Anthony thought if he could get with Page, he could sell to an elite clientele and lessen the chances of getting caught or killed by some of the lowlife hanging around trying to buy drugs they couldn't afford.

Taking what he needed from Kesha, he hurried back to the club to call Page. As soon as he dialed her number, on one ring, she answered.

"Page?"

"Yes, this is she."

"You act like you were waiting for a call."

"Who is this?" Page pretended that she didn't know it was Anthony.

"This is Anthony."

"Anthony who?"

"Anthony Miro, the man you spent the night with."

"Oh you!" she said trying to piss him off.

"What do you mean? I thought we had something going."

"Well, we did last night, today is another day."

"You sleep with men that casually?"

"Some I do if they're interesting."

"So you find me interesting?"

"I didn't say that."

"Well what are you saying? You don't want to see me again?" Anthony questioned angrily and disappointed."

"I didn't say that either."

"Look, when you make up your mind then let me know." Before he could hang up Page said, "Anthony, meet me tonight at Mama's, it's an Italian restaurant in the village. It has great food. Meet me about nine."

"Sure, I'll be there." Anthony hung up the phone, and had no intentions on meeting her, because he was angry. She treated him like a bitch. He wouldn't allow a woman to deal with him like that.

Page arrived at Mama's on time and waited at the bar. She waited and waited for over four hours before she decided to go home. She didn't eat; all she did was order the Remy Martin drinks just as Anthony had given her the night before. Page quickly hailed a cab, and then decided to go to Anthony's club to give him a piece of her mind.

Page crawled out of the cab and slowly teetered through the doors because she was so drunk. She spied Anthony sitting and talking to some men and two women in a booth in the back of the club.

She didn't care if she made an ass out of herself; she had done that before when she fell on stage at a modeling assignment in France. This was easy. Page got her legs and courage together, and tried to walk like a model, but her legs and feet would not cooperate. However, she managed to walk up to Anthony without him noticing her.

"I thought you were going to meet me tonight," she said standing over Anthony.

"Have you been drinking? Page... yeah, that's your name, right? I remember you."

"Don't act like you don't know me. Remember I spent the night with you," Page said so any woman who cared would know what he was doing.

Anthony began to laugh to see the beautiful girl make such a fool of herself over him. He liked her lack of self-pride when she wanted something. Instantly, he knew she was the woman for him, and he wanted her more at that moment than at any time.

"I know who you are. You don't have to try to get me in trouble because we're all just friends." He stood up to take her hand because he didn't know how long she could stand. He helped her once again into the elevator and into his loft.

He became excited just thinking that she had taken the time to call him on what he tried to do to her. "You know what you are, you are a son of a bitch," Page said falling on the bed.

"I know what I am and I know who you are. You're my bitch."

"I want you now," Anthony said looking at Page with a rapist leer.

"I don't know if I'm going to let you make love to me."

"Who's going to stop me?" he said. "I'm going to make love to you and you are going to love every minute of it."

Anthony then pulled out some blow and gave it to Page after snorting some himself. She fell into his arms. Anthony then straddled Page as she lay like a corpse. There wasn't any movement in her body, but she laid on her back smiling; only grunting if Anthony was too rough.

He was able to seduce and abuse Page's body any way and every way he could. He satisfied himself and then her. He just loved the way they both enjoyed sex and they knew that they were a good fit.

Now they were inseparable. All their friends knew that Page belonged to Anthony. Page didn't mind Anthony having other women as long as it was for business and vice versa. If Anthony didn't approve of Page's friends then she dropped them.

They were a couple who lived for each other and each other's end. Page would even work around Anthony's schedule. This proved detrimental to her modeling career. Soon jobs didn't come easily and she found herself begging for jobs. Anthony convinced her that she should go for an acting career. He didn't have to say more.

Page packed her clothes, and she and Anthony left for Hollywood. Anthony could afford to support Page, because he knew she was a good investment, and eventually she would pay off.

* * * *

Six months before the meeting in Las Vegas

After running around L.A. for a few months, Page secured a talent agent. A friend who is a client of Max Stein set up an interview. Max liked what he saw and arranged auditions for commercials and speaking parts in a major motion picture.

Page had a knack for influencing people. She knew when to talk and what to talk about, and she knew when to stay quiet and take directions. She knew just how to please people. Page studied people to find out their weakness. She had a gift she cultivated from the streets, and she had Anthony to give her pointers.

Hollywood was now in Page's blood and she was part of Hollywood. Everyone enjoyed her company and wanted her around, she had what some wanted—drugs; she knew low level and high-level producers, directors, and actors. Furthermore, she could provide what they desired.

Thanks to Anthony, Page learned all about the Hollywood elite. She knew their secrets, yet she kept them to herself. Page traveled with beautiful girls that were willing to do anything for money and drugs; soon everyone except Danny knew that Anthony and Page were a powerful a couple.

Anthony supplied the after Oscar's party with his goodie bags. Anthony's goody bag contained phone numbers of men and women who could provide an evening of passionate delight.

After arriving at one of the many parties around Hollywood, Anthony recognized an actor that appeared not too interested in the night's gala.

The actor's appearance was that of just another struggling actor, but there was something different about him—his good looks and dancing green eyes, but he was serious and focused.

Anthony could recognize someone that had it. He knew what it took to make it in this world of hustlers, because he considered himself the best.

He spied this handsome green eyed actor, and he walked up to him to ask his name because he wanted in on the ground floor. When that actor became famous, he wanted to be his close friend.

"I recognize you from that movie of the week special, are you Danny McCloud?"

"Yes." Danny said in deep thought, hoping that he could disappear and get to his hotel and call Sydney.

"I like your work," Anthony stated.

"Thanks."

"You're here alone?"

"No, why do you ask?"

"I have a friend that is a fan of yours."

Anthony was a people person, he knew the affairs of the heart, and he suspected that Danny was a basket case. He was an opportunist and here was the perfect time to introduce him to Page. Anthony signaled for Page to come over. Page walked over immediately. "This is my friend Page."

"Excuse me but someone is calling." Danny found a way to leave all the noise and people looking for recognition and pretending to be happy. He didn't see Page because all he could think of was getting to his hotel room and calling Sydney. He couldn't wait to tell her about the movie stars he met; she may want to come with him next time to an awards show or festival, something!

Anthony didn't like that Danny walked away. He wasn't a star yet, Anthony thought. Anthony knew the biggest star to date was Phillip Cross, yet Danny could be bigger because of his youth and good looks.

He knew how the fans loved British imports. Max was agent to Danny and Page. All Page had to do was get an introduction with Danny, and Anthony would be able to control his paycheck for years.

Page called Max and explained to him that she was interested in meeting Danny, and was there a likelihood that she could be in one of his movies. Max secured Page a small part in Danny's next movie, but that did not give her entry. Page could never see him because he would never socialize with anyone. All Danny did was work and go to his trailer and sleep.

It became necessary for Page to contact Max again and ask for an introduction. Max explained that Las Vegas was a great place if she could get there the next day. He could probably arrange the meeting. However, Max did warn her that Danny could have Sydney with him, which would make that difficult. She was willing to take the chance. Anthony and Page flew to Las Vegas and checked into Caesars Casino Hotel.

* * * *

Max made arraignments for Danny to stay at the Wynn and he would stay at Caesars. Max did not know that Page and Anthony were making their own plans.

Anthony made reservations for two rooms at Caesars, one for him, and one for Page. They decided to get there early and see a few shows. Page loved Las Vegas, she loved to see the sunrise come from behind the mountains; the lights, people, shopping, and gambling helped satisfy her craving for excitement.

Looking out her hotel window and seeing people plowing down the street gave her a minor thrill. She watched the signs and the lights; there is the Wynn Hotel she thought. She began to wonder what Danny was doing at this time.

Soon after, the phone rang. Anthony called her to find out if she wanted to play blackjack with him. He loved to gamble. He felt like a king putting thousands of dollars on the line and not worrying. It was a far cry from where he originally started in Brooklyn.

He lived over a store that stayed open all night and the lights always shown into his bedroom. There was noise and mice to keep him awake throughout the night. He was always hungry and unkempt, that is why he spent so much on clothes and his appearance.

Page decided to wait on Max. Max was busy at Cleopatra's Barge a well-known bar in Caesars. He would call after the producers left, when he and Danny were alone. Page dressed and waited.

Anthony sat at a blackjack table, where he was on the dealer's right hand. He was able to control most of the cards coming his way. Anthony got a good shoe that night and won ten thousand dollars. He knew it was going to be his lucky night, and he knew when to quit. He always knew when to fold. He collected his chips, turned them in, and walked out of the casino and back to his room. He felt great!

When he entered his room, he called Page, "I bet you don't know what I did?" He said teasing Page.

"What? What? Don't play with me Anthony. Tell me what happen."

"All I can say is I'm taking you shopping as soon as our business is over."

The business was Danny. Page was excited because she loved when Anthony spent a lot of money on her. Besides she deserved everything he did for her. Because of her, he has been making large scores of money.

There were shoes she had to have a pair of, even though, there were shoes galore in her closet costing more than five hundred a pair. She had all the name brands. She had more clothes than she could wear in a lifetime. All her money went on clothes, shoes, and traveling.

Page traveled throughout Italy, she had been to Japan and most of Europe. She barely avoided being kidnapped in Japan when she was in her teens. However, she was fearless and always looking for her next adventure.

Living with Anthony was an adventure. Page met different types of people, and learning about their deviant sexual behaviors and drug habits, provided her with a sense of power.

Page received lessons on human nature just hanging around Anthony. She began to manipulate people just as Anthony did. She saw their weaknesses and she used all that against them to get what she wanted. Try as she may she could not figure out just what made Max tick.

Max didn't let money control him. He wasn't the kind of man to run around on his wife, because Page tried him, or maybe she wasn't his type. Page offered Max drugs, but he told her he had never tried drugs, and he was too old to make a fool out of himself and disgrace his wife and children.

Page took that as a sign to go on to someone who was more vulnerable. It was getting close to midnight when a bored Page began watching a program on how to play black jack, and just before she decided that the night was a bust, the phone rang. Page picked it up on the first ring.

"Page it's Max, I just called Danny and he's kind of bummed out. Sydney left him early this morning."

"Sydney, I didn't know he was into men. I'm not wasting my time with him."

"No you're wrong; Sydney is a woman," Max said.

"Oh."

"He's kind of down, try to cheer him up for me, and I'll see what I can do to swing a part for you in his movie."

"Sure Max." Page sashayed out of her room with the thoughts of doing more than cheering Danny up. She was on a mission sent by Anthony. Max did not know that Page was an emissary for Anthony, and Danny was in trouble.

Page wondered about Danny McCloud as she took a long elevator ride down to the casino floor. She felt excited and nervous because she had never had permission from Anthony to seduce a man. Page felt a sense of danger and that caused her temperature to rise. It was her nature to seek that type of action, a mundane life would not do.

She had too many nights walking the streets of New York searching for a place to party and sleep. All she knew was homeliness and the nightlife of New York, until a photographer discovered her in her early teens, and then she began making a stupid amount of money.

"You got here quick. I'm glad you came. I had to call Danny again and he acts as if he's just waking up. He said that he would be here. I hope you stay long enough to meet him. He could be great for your career, and who knows, you two might hit it off. Since that woman left him, he's acting as if he's losing his mind. I guess every Samson gets his Delilah," Max blurted out.

"How long has he known her?"

"I think about a year and a half."

"He's all caught up with her, and I can hear in his voice that he's in bad shape. She left him this morning and he sounds terrible," Max said giving Page all the ammunition to seal Danny's fate.

"I never knew he had anyone. He always appeared in public alone."

"Sydney wanted to keep it that way. She thought his fans wouldn't respond to him well if they knew he had a woman.

Max had a little too much to drink and he wasn't much of a drinker so it didn't take but one drink to get him talking and by two drinks he had laid Danny's life on a slab for Page and Anthony.

Max went on for an hour telling Page everything he knew about Danny's life. Max clearly had drunk too much by now. Maybe Max was disappointed and angry that Danny did not make it to the meeting with the producers. However, he spilled his guts to Page whom he considered and innocent friend.

Page gave the impression that she could listen without judgment. She accepted the role Max gave her as a confidant, but she was neither. She was what she was, a cold, unfeeling, heartless young woman for everyone except Anthony.

The hole in her soul allowed the lack of caring for anyone except Anthony.

Anthony made her complete. She was his yin and he was her yang. He complimented her life and made her feel as if she was the only woman alive.

* * * *

Meeting Danny

Page allowed herself to visualize the type of man that Sydney had thrown away. He was sensitive and no experience, which was not what she admired in a man. She received pleasure from the strength she perceived in Anthony—that of being a heartless businessman, who only found warmth in the money he acquired at any cost. Page had only known this type of person and was not acquainted with a man that had a warm easy heart—a heart warm enough to break.

Danny walked among the crowd of smiling faces, but Page could pick him out of the crowd. It was the amble of a man with a broken heart. A man with a heart that could be broken; he walked not as a confident man, but a man that had lost everything and she judged him so.

She did not have the experience and the foresight to see this man as he is—a kind, loving, and sensitive man any woman would be proud to say that she wished he had loved her. Because Page judged him as an easy mark, her little conniving mind went to work overtime. She quietly planned how to get Danny to her room, how to rid herself of Max, and how to finally, satisfy Anthony and her own need for drugs and money.

As Danny neared the Terrazza Lounge, Page whispered to Max.

"Danny looks so unhappy, why don't you have a few drinks with us and then leave. I'll take care that he gets back to his hotel room. Maybe he needs a shoulder to cry on," she purred like a cat.

"OK Page, but he has to work, and I don't want you to be a distraction the way Sydney has been—although she's a pretty smart girl, and pretty as anything I've seen in a long time, present company included," Max said with a smile.

Page wasn't bothered by the sudden admiration for Sydney. She was focused on one thing, and that was the Alpha male coming, and what he meant to her career as an actress, and what she could do for Anthony.

Page knew how excited and attentive Anthony became when he knew he had competition. Their love-making became intense. Page always wanted to keep Anthony interested, even if it meant seducing and fucking a man she didn't want.

As Danny neared the lounge, his jade eyes struck Page. His full lips that covered his ivory teeth gave her pause, and she almost fell for him. For a moment, she saw what turned Sydney on, but she was confused and wondered what made a woman leave a man like that?

She felt she could never leave Anthony. What could it have been? She wanted to know. Her imagination peaked, which made Danny desirous to her and for a few seconds her body reached its highest temperature.

Page's eyes follow Danny's every move, she could tell by a man's look just how weak or strong he was. She saw strength hiding in all that weak posture. Some woman made a man like him unsure of himself. She felt that it would take a lot more to make Anthony act like that. Page smiled when she compared Danny with Anthony, which made her think she had chosen the better of the two men.

Chapter 11

Sydney Meets Danny for the First Time

I arrived in New York in the month of July. A few months after Mike died. New York is an exciting extraordinary city. I cruised into a season of heat that nurtured the heart of the people. The kind of heat to interrupt thought and feelings, because the temperature was high and body heat was soaring, which can cause you forget the chill of the brutal winters.

I could tell that New York and I would get along wonderfully. It's a hard and passionate city, where creativity and life is celebrated. I searched about the city in thought of finding "The ONE" in the thousands of faces passing by. I didn't know that it would be in a chance meeting that I would discover my life force—Danny McCloud.

How do you know when you are in love and cannot live without someone? At what moment does a person feel as if struck by lightning or a truck? Will I go through this life and never experience love? This was always a question in my mind. I thought that I would never know love and I lived that way. I never paid attention to what was around me, just existing in my dreams, until I met Danny.

Depressed from reading and writing and not seeing anyone for days had taken its toll on my sanity. Steven suggested that I see a friend of his who was hiring extras for a movie.

I decided to listen to Steven. I signed up.

During breaks on the set, I sat around looking at the actors and wondering about their lives. In between scenes, I had conversations with some of the actors who were hired for the day.

I glanced over at an actor that I thought to be interesting, and as I looked further, behind him walked this tall deliciously handsome man.

He galloped with a stride of confidence of a wild mustang. He neared my chair. I looked up at him to see he was a young man in his twenties. He smiled and asked the actor standing near my chair a question. I was fixated on the sound of his voice. I heard him tell the actor that he had just arrived from England.

He had a wonderful Scottish burr. I barely understood him, but when I looked into his blue green eyes, no amount of language could be an obstacle. I felt an undercurrent of sexual desire sweep me away. I stared at him and then put my head down quickly. My breathing became heavy. I didn't want this beautiful man, who appeared to be young, boyishly young, thinking I wanted him more than he wanted me.

As he glanced my way, all I could feel was electric currents surrounding us. I felt warmth that I never felt before—I searched for that feeling a lifetime.

I noticed a flush in his face and a flash of his eyes as he shared my moment in time. I knew then that there was a connection. I looked up from my chair, and he was staring at me. He felt it too. He stared for a long time, not breaking to blink, and then he said:

"I've been watching you, and you're a beautiful woman."

"I've been watching you too and you are a beautiful man," I said controlling my nervousness, not being able to say anything else that made sense. He began to laugh.

"My name is Danny."

"My name is Sydney. What nationality are you?" I inquired, languishing in his every word—fixed on his mouth and those emerald eyes.

"I'm Scottish. I was living in England, but I thought I should try my luck in the States.

"Oh, how long have you been in New York?"

"About six months, just long enough to find an agent and manager," he said smiling.

"Are you an actress?" He said in a soft strong voice.

"I'm just here for a day. I'm an extra just trying to get out of the house."

"You don't get out much?

"I'm a writer."

"Oh a writer, what are some of the things you write about?"

"Now, I am writing a novel about a writer and her lost loves. My magazine is W.O.W.

"I think I've read your magazine article on what men want from women," he said with a grin.

"You read women magazine, that's interesting...before I fall in love with you...are you gay?" I said.

"No, I'm not gay," he said, laughing hysterically.

"Just checking."

"I tell you what, why don't we go to dinner when this scene is finished." I shook my head up and down instead of saying yes, because I knew that I would probably sound like a fool. My voice might crack, and there would go the façade that I was trying to create. I would appear to be a silly schoolgirl instead of the cool sophisticated women I was trying to portray.

We spent the entire day as background scenery for the coming movie. We were even paired together for scenes outside on Fifth Avenue—we were directed to walk together as a couple. It was in mid-December and very cold, so we huddled together every chance we got. He put his arms around me to shield me from the brisk cold wind.

There are times when you feel it. I don't know what it is. You just feel it. There exists a connection that didn't exist any time again in your life. Maybe the stars line up in the universe or the planets lose their orbits for a second. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was something that made me crazy about a man I had just met.

We walked to the nearest coffee shop, and as we sat across from each other, I looked into his green eyes and I heard this song by Westlife in my head—over and over.

... Some find it in their lover's eyes

Who can deny the joy it brings

When you've found that special thing

You're flying without wings

I was flying without wings. I soared in my mind and flew home with him in tow. It was the first time ever considering taking a stranger to my room to have sex, but in his case—making love.

We didn't say a word because there was nothing to say. Everything had been said before, some time, and some place. We walked together into the bedroom looking at each other.

Fixed on each other's eyes, we knew we had to have each other. His look streamed into my eyes. He put his left hand around my back and with the right hand, began unbuttoning my blouse, button by button. Then he slowly removed it. He used the left hand to unzip my skirt and when I looked, it was sliding down to the floor. I stood amazed at his precision.

He had a soft touch and never once did he falter at undressing me. He worked like a skilled artist. A young man who learned very early to undress young girls in meadows, then capture their hearts in the back seat of cars.

I was in a trance and didn't care about his many flings with girls or women. I only cared about the moment and that moment was mine. When he spoke, he recited poetry in his Scottish language, but when he burst into song, I was amazed that he loved the same songs that excited my senses, "Flying Without Wings." We both sung:

Everybody's looking for that something

One thing that makes it all complete

You'll find it in the strangest places

Places you never knew it could be...

Danny gazed at my naked body as he stepped out of his jeans. I pulled his shirt off his handsome chest, with my hands shaking. We walked in the direction of the shower. I looked to see his erection. It stood tall, firm, and strong.

I showered with a complete stranger preparing me for my night of ecstasy. I never let any man get close until I gave him the third degree. Here I am lying next to a man I didn't know. What I did know was that I wanted him and I trusted him. It was in the eyes.

I lay in my bed and feel his kiss on my lips. I knew I had never felt the surge of heat from anyone the way I felt it at that moment. I was hot and getting hotter. I wanted to scream with ecstasy, but I didn't want to let him know that I was looking for him all my life.

As he began to move his mouth over my breasts, he stared, and then embraced them as if they were a work of art. Danny held my small firm breasts in his gentle hands and continued caressing them with his mouth. He began to suck them like a baby discovering his first object, and they became an object of his obsession.

He drove me insane with desire. Yet, as he moved his head down my body slowly, slowly, his hands are spreading my legs, and his mouth covering my clit. I thought I would die from the intensity of the moment. I will never want another man but him, I thought.

I knew I would never meet a man that could bring me to a place of sexual delight and satisfaction just by using his tongue to manipulate my body, and create the extreme sexual pleasure of a lifetime.

I have never met anyone like him. He made my toes curl, and caused me to shout. I had my teenage moment. Then he moved up my body and put himself inside me and said, "I don't want to hurt you, I want you to have as much pleasure as this is giving me."

I reached for the stars as he held my hands in his, just above my head, and I screamed, "Oh! Oh! Oh! Do it to me, don't stop, don't stop!" He looked at me and just smiled. He held me close to him and there was nothing more or better in the world I wanted or desired that night.

I have never had such an experience in my life! He made love to me, and there I lay with a feeling of guilt for being so greedy. This man wasn't selfish, he wanted to please; he was what I wanted and needed. I looked into his eyes and found a lifetime of beauty and love.

Danny stayed all night. He had to be on the set the next day. After breakfast, he left. I began my usual writing chores and in between, wondering and worrying whether he would ever call. The phone finally rang and I had to beat Tracy to the phone because I wanted to be the first one he heard. I held on to the phone and let it ring a few more times. I prayed that he didn't hang up. I was playing games with him.

"Hello," I said in my most sexy voice.

"Sydney?"

"Yes, this is Sydney," I stated cool and sophisticated.

"Sydney, this is Danny. I can't stop thinking about you and our lovemaking last night. All I want and think about is you," he said. "What did you do to me?" Then he stated with a tone of disappointment, "I have to work late tonight."

I stated calmly, "OK," as if nothing affected me. I could have told him to come over, but I didn't want to disturb Tracy. I hoped I did not over play my hand, as they say in Texas.

I believed him, but instantly I became jealous as soon as I put the phone down. I am a woman who loves and leaves men at any given time if they don't please me. A woman discarding men from Texas to New York, and here I am jealous over a man younger than myself, whom I have just met. This was not cool, not cool at all.

The men I once discarded could not burn a hole in my soul the way Danny did.

I devised a remedy for that; I didn't want anything or anyone controlling my life. Therefore, I decided not to answer his calls. "There" I said, "I'll fix you." I left my answer machine on to listen and study his voice. I was taking a big gamble. There is a saying in Texas, gamble little, win little, gamble big, win big.

Danny called all day and until eight that evening; I would not answer the phone. Danny called my cell and then text messages came furiously. About nine that night, I heard the buzzer, then a knock at the door. The knock was loud. I opened the door and he burst in expecting to see me with someone. He stood looking around with the passion of a leopard that lost its mate.

We just met each other and he was as crazy about me as I was about him. Furthermore, that was all I wanted to know.

"Where were you?" He shouted.

"I've been home all the time, why?" I stated cool and unaffected. I knew what I was doing to him.

"You couldn't have been. I called all day, and no one answered."

I could barely understand him when he spoke. He was angry and disappointed; his speech was fast; it sound as if he spoke a foreign language; so I began to laugh. He started laughing too, to see himself act so foolish over someone he hardly knew.

I didn't know his last name and he did not know mine, but it was as if we had known and loved each other a lifetime. We sat and talked all night, we talked about music, soccer, and football. We thought it better not to touch religion and politics. He even mentioned that he had a twin brother in Europe. I couldn't imagine two like him.

We discussed his plans for the future. He was determined to be a movie star, and I would be there with him—what a wonderful dream! Dreams don't always come true and sometimes when they do, you can't recognize them.

Danny left for work after midnight, and the next morning, I went to Manhattan to look at apartments; I wanted to be near him so he would not have to travel far. When I returned from Manhattan, I found several messages waiting. It was Danny calling frantically. I realized that I turned off my BlackBerry and never bothered to check for messages.

"Sydney! Sydney! Pick up; I have a job in Los Angeles. I have to leave soon."

"Sydney, I don't want to leave without seeing you."

"Shit! Sydney where are you?" Call me. I'm leaving for La Guardia airport in three hours."

I was too late. I dropped my phone and I couldn't retrieve any numbers. I called his roommate, but he didn't know anything.

I figured that was the end of my romance. I didn't know much about Danny and I didn't think I would find out any more. My last hope was that he would try to call me, but he did not. I tried to rationalize that the romance we had was just a silly dream. I felt that it was just a quirk that we even found each other, and besides, he was too immature for me.

I felt I deserved a good man in my life that loved me and desired only me. I thought I had this with my one-night-stand. He was the best I have had in all my twenty-five years. Well, at least I will have something to tell my grandchildren. I can say that I felt passion from a gorgeous, sensitive man that wanted me.

One thing I got out of this, an apartment on Fifth Avenue.

I've never paid so much for an apartment. In Texas, you can buy a couple of homes. I wanted to be near Danny when he came back to New York. I sat and waited many nights and all I did was write and write some more.

He had given me inspiration. I would put his picture near me and write well into the night. I did not know how long it would be before I heard from Danny. He had been gone a few months and I heard nothing.

One night the phone rang with a special sound, or my mind played tricks on me. I could tell it was Danny. I reached to check the calls and it was Danny. What should I do? I asked myself. He could have called sooner; maybe he was busy and couldn't call. Does he think I'm sitting around just waiting on him?

I did something Steven would call stupid. I didn't answer and the phone stopped ringing. I panicked. I didn't know what to do, so I continued writing as if I were a lunatic trying to forget the stupid shit I had done.

I took a shower to calm my nerves. I was on my way to bed at six o'clock in the morning, when the buzzer rang. The doorman informed me that a guest was waiting. I figured it was Steven coming to have coffee before he left for his shop. I said to send him up.

I stood at the door waiting half-heartedly for Steven, when off the elevator stepped my beautiful man, all six foot two of him, looking tired from the long ride from the coast, and the taxi ride to Manhattan.

"Danny what are you doing here? How did you find me?"

"What I want I always find," he said with a grin that could warm Antarctica.

"Do you have company?" He said in a nervous voice.

"No, come in, I haven't heard from you in months. I thought I would never see you again," I said softly.

"I told you I would never let you go," he said, as he tilted his head with that heavenly smile, and with his eyes gazing into mine.

We stood trading I love you, back and forth before we realized that we were still standing in the doorway just talking.

Danny walked into my apartment and looked around as if wondering how I could afford such an expensive place. I didn't know what to tell him. I never had long conversations with him about my life or his.

He plopped his weary body on the sofa and fell asleep. Lying there, he looked so handsome with his long arms falling to the side, almost to the floor. He has youth, and there was so much promise from it, and he is mine!

I woke him the next morning and gave him tea and breakfast. I tried to cook a breakfast he might enjoy in Scotland. I took a guess and fried some fish and added French fries, well he got his fish and chips. Frying food is easy for a Texas girl.

"I have tea for you Danny." He sat up when he smelled the fish, and after taking a shower, he stumbled to the table.

"Thanks baby, is this your apartment?"

"Why do you want to know?"

"It looks very expensive."

"I know you can't afford it working as a writer."

"How do you know that?" I said trying to change the conversation and not giving him an answer. He was tired from the trip and forgot that he asked about the apartment. I'm sure he would approach the subject again. He ate then fell asleep once more, this time in the bed. His cell phone began to ring; it had fallen on the floor. He found it and answered it.

"Hello."

"Danny this is Max; you have an offer for another picture, and the actress starring in the picture asked for you. You have to come back to L.A. immediately."

"Max, I just arrived in New York. O.K. I'll see you tomorrow," he said exhausted and too tired to argue with his agent.

"I have to go back to L.A. Sydney, because I have to start training for a movie. Say you don't want me to go and I won't."

"I can't tell you that; this is what you have dreamed of all your life. I will not take that from you or get in your way."

"Then tell me you will wait for me, because I will always wait for you." Danny whispered to me looking into my eyes as I peered in his wonderful green eyes and his handsome face.

"Shit woman you are beautiful," as he said those words, I launched at him swallowing his tongue and letting him suck mine until I was moist. He took his hands, massaged my back, and made me limber and receptive. I spread my legs and he gently kissed my body. He found my weakness and he began the rhythm of loving me.

My body moved to his body, both our bodies was flowing back and forth, up and down, and on and on until we both felt the satisfaction and quenched our thirst for each other. There was a climax, which rivaled a lunar eclipse. We held each other tight as we dripped with sweat and lust.

"I will always be there for you no matter what happens in life, whether we are together or not," I promised him.

"We will be together no matter what happens along the way. I will never stop loving you. Say you will never stop loving me," Danny insisted.

"I will never stop loving you," I whispered into his ear, then I felt a calm come over him. He fell into a deep sleep.

The next morning he was gone. He brought his lips to mine, then kissed my lips softly, and said goodbye.

All I could remember was the kiss he gave as he left the bed early that morning. It was a soft shield that protected me, that would not disappear. I felt the heat from the moisture of his lips; my body had a memory of it as if it were a part of my DNA.

The feeling did not leave me and I could not command it to go, where I could carry on with my life. I wasn't any good to myself and no one else. It was as if when he gave me that kiss, he knew I couldn't function until I saw him again. I could not love or be loved by anyone but him. I felt doomed. I found my prince and now the fairytale begins with all the beauty and horrors.

Chapter 12

Danny's Life

Danny was born to Sean and Elizabeth McCloud, in Glasgow, Scotland. He wasn't the only child to make his appearance that cold and rainy morning.

The day was the coldest of the year and that year was the hottest in the history in Scotland. Nature was against Danny and his brother the way it can be for anyone who is not lucky—everything in nature can be out of balance.

The eldest twin Danny, the larger of the two boys, had been born two minutes and one second before Jeremy. It was as if they were one person, each was two halves of a whole, and no one could tell them apart, except that Danny was right handed and Jeremy was left handed. Danny inherited his mother's peaceful nature and Jeremy was his father—aggressive, arrogant, and a thrill seeker.

Danny the leader would succeed at his endeavors because of persistence and hard work. Jeremy chose the easy path. He tried to take what Danny worked hard for—their mother's love. Jeremy always succeeded in getting what he wanted from their mother, whether it was a kiss, or a new pair of shoes. Theirs were an intense rivalry. A love hate relationship lived among the boys. They were identical twins and each felt what the other experienced.

Danny's and Jeremy's mother, a quiet woman, who didn't give much store to arguments, which was very much the father's cup of tea. He argued about anything. If the food was put on the table too late, or his favorite shirt wasn't washed for his night out with the boys at the pub. He would leave and return home the next day. Danny's mother never said a word—she couldn't; she wanted to keep peace for her boys.

Both boys watched as their father cursed at their mother. Maybe it was his job at the shipyard that made him so mean and surly? Danny wondered.

His father worked long shifts because jobs were hard to come by in Glasgow. Danny's father was always angry. Maybe it was having two sons at the same time to feed that caused him to yell at Danny's mother. Danny didn't like when his father did this to his mother and would tell him so.

When he and Jeremy became fifteen, he noticed a change in his parent's relationship. Their mother became silent and withdrawn and did not speak. Danny asked her about her feelings; she did not say a word; she just sat and stared out the window.

One day Danny and Jeremy came from school to find his mother packing. She told Danny that she was taking his younger brother, and that she would be back for him soon.

Danny waited and waited for her and Jeremy to return, but they never did. Danny asked his father to find her; he said he was happy that she wasn't around. His father did not care that she had gone, but Danny felt the absence; it left a hole in his spirit.

Sadness overtook Danny, and he began to act out. He first started to smoke, and then he began to hang out with friends—drinking. He was only sixteen. Nevertheless, he knew of others who began abusing themselves at twelve with liquor and drugs. He knew some of these kids and wondered how he could face his father if he allowed himself to take drugs. Besides, his father would beat him senseless if he suspected drugs. Drinking was something that was harmless, his father said, because his father was drunk most of the time.

Danny lost himself after ending his job at the market and then finding one at the shipyard along with his father. He would drink all night, and go to school, then work at the shipyard with a hangover. He spent the remainder of the time dreaming of becoming a movie star. He would pretend he was this exciting and handsome actor. As he looked into the mirror, he could see that he could become someone, if he could only get to the United States.

His vision was to have a wife and children one day. He would never do anything to hurt his wife where she would leave him and the children. He began to plan his life and save money for the day when he would be able to leave Scotland. As Danny became eighteen, he walked around searching for jobs as an actor. A friend informed him about an audition, and he rushed to it. His first acting job was on stage where all he did was carry around a spear as a guard in a production of Hamlet. Nevertheless, after coming to rehearsal late on two occasions, the director fired him; he was saddened at the loss of his first acting job.

Finally, Danny found a production where he had one speaking part in a play. That led to a major role. He worked in that play for two years before that ended. He secured small movie parts and he was able to get a small stipend. He was twenty and now he had enough money to get to the states; so he and a fellow actor, who dreamed together, found themselves in New York in a friend's small studio apartment.

Danny searched around New York for an agent, but agents wouldn't see him, because he had done very little acting. Danny worked in restaurants and bars at night, then, during the day, he went on auditions. He landed a part in a small movie that got into the Sundance festival, which got him an agent. The agent sent him on auditions for a part in a movie filming in Manhattan.

* * * *

Filming had begun, and as he waited for his scenes, he turned to look around; he spied a beautiful woman with honey brown eyes and tan skin the color of bronze. He thought that was unusual for this climate. New York was as cold as Scotland in December.

Danny stood and watched her. She noticed him. He felt a warm feeling come over his body. He saw the shine of her hair as it moved when she was talking. He looked at her bee-stung lips, full, luscious, and envisioned her kissing his body. She looked up and he gazed into her eyes, and he felt a charge of electricity that hits the body and soul, and sends signals of attraction. He felt it. He was sure she could feel it too. In an instant, he saw in her eyes the life he dreamed!

Yet, he didn't think a woman of such sophistication and beauty would talk to a man like him—a poor actor, working as an extra. Nevertheless, he wouldn't let that stop him from trying to find out whether she would be interested in his kind. He knew that he was working class and poor. He knew that he was an extra, and she had the look and feel of something more; besides, he was in the U. S., where any dream that you dream can come true if you work hard and you are lucky.

He was a hard worker, but he had never been lucky, especially in the matters of the heart. He never met anyone he wanted to invest his heart in, until now.

He made that investment with his mother and brother and look where he is—all alone in a strange country. He didn't have time to dwell on his life's failures. He stood confronted with the most beautiful woman he ever met. She wore a reserved smile when she spoke, and the way she holds her hands and crosses her legs appeared to be so elegant, Danny thought.

Fascinated by this woman, he knew he had to speak to her. He mustered his courage of youth and walked in her direction. He walked closer to her as she sat in a chair engaging a man in conversation nearby. As Danny walked across the room, he didn't see anyone cross his path; he didn't see the person Sydney was talking to. He only saw Sydney as he asked a question of the actor that stood nearby.

He fixed his gaze on her, and moved closer and closer until he stood near her.

Her scent seduced him. He stood taking in and drinking her smell, which forced him down to his knees. His heart was beating loud; he knew everyone had to hear it, including the beautiful woman sitting with her head turned away from him.

"Excuse me," were his first words, as he tried to keep her from hearing his accent. He thought she would know him for what he was, a poor fool, trying to speak to a fascinating woman that he didn't have the class to talk to.

Sydney turned and looked him in the eyes, then starred at him. He felt he had better say something more. He just looked at her for what seemed like an hour, because he could not fashioned a sentence together to convey his thoughts.

He looked and looked at her continuously. He thought that she must think that he is an idiot and she would never take him serious. Suddenly his mind began to weave a complete thought, but nothing would come from his mouth.

Danny decided to tell her exactly what he was thinking, and cut through the mental block. He wasn't a man that was adept at flattery; all he could do was tell the truth, as his heart perceived it, no more, no less.

He hoped this woman would be the one to satisfy his warm heart; fill his days with love and pleasure of the mind and spirit. He knew he was attracted to her, and he knew what to do to create the love he desired for himself.

He wanted to please. He wanted to give her pleasure of a lifetime, and sexual ecstasy. He needed someone to love him and his passion was burning; these were the things he wanted with her—love and pleasure, because these were the things that were absent in his life—the love of a beautiful woman, and the pleasure it would bring him to give her what she needed to make her happy.

All the dreams of his life stepped in front of him and played out in those few minutes before his eyes. He saw himself being successful, and asking her to marry him, and have his children.

He saw a large family to supplant the one he never had. He saw all his children and this woman as his wife, loving him all his life; a large smile lifted his face. His smile was so wide and glorious, that it made Sydney glow. His face leaned into her face, and he spoke what he was thinking.

Chapter 13

Sydney's Marriage to Mike

I grew up in a small town in Texas with small town dreams. Most youngsters in my dusty little town played together as children, went through a puppy love stage, went to high school, and married their sweet hearts. That was the beginning and end of their lives; well at least they had a life.

I was born into a family where my parents evolved through that same time worn system. Met as children, romanced in high school, marry as sweet hearts, and then had their children.

My parents never left Texas, except to visit relatives nearby. They were the epitome of all that was good about growing up in a small town. My father worked in the local refinery and made a very good living to accommodate having five children, where I was the eldest.

There is so much responsibility being the eldest. I could not remember a time when I had a free moment in my life. Tried as I may to play as a child, develop a love with the little boys that were yearning to carry my books to school, appeared impossible, because of the excess baggage—my sisters and brothers. When all the young girls were developing relationships to last a lifetime, I was developing a bond with my family that would last until I matured and set me on a different path.

As I grew into a young woman in high school, I realized that everyone had paired with whom they thought they were going to spend their lives with. I had no one.

I wondered why I wasn't notice by the most attractive boys. I had beautiful long curly brown hair with a devilish smile. I knew I was attractive, with a sense of humor. I knew I could talk to most people with authority, because I read books from faraway places, and saw thousands of movies of every genre.

That was the problem, I spent all my time watching movies, and helping my mother raise her family; now I lost the opportunity to develop a relationship in order to marry and have children like everyone I knew.

My four years of high school passed like a summer rain, quickly. No loves, no parties, no boys asking me out to the prom. Maybe the word had gotten around. The only real friend I had was a girl named Heather.

Heather a pleasant looking blond had many boyfriends. She could have given me a few. The only problem—we didn't have the same taste in men. I hadn't acquired a taste.

Heather said it was because I had a look on my face that said I wanted more than the young men could afford. I had a worldly look about me that said I didn't belong in that town and that place.

I didn't think about that. I began to relish that my destiny was to leave that hot sweltering Texas town behind.

I completed high school and anticipated college. Maybe now my life would change, I thought. Boredom stretched my mind and body to its limits.

I attended college in the nearby city of Houston; there I enjoyed the camaraderie of fellow students. I even found some of my professors receptive to my views; they loved the way I engaged the class with my knowledge of different subjects, and how I debated with confidence. This came from years of kissing a good book good night instead of kissing a boy.

On a cool afternoon in April, I met a professor name Michael Butler, an attractive man of forty-five. I applied to the masters of fine arts program, where I found myself in his class. I thought that it would be wonderful to teach because he appeared to have such a wonderful time at his job.

I don't know what attracted me to Michael, other than he was good looking and he appeared to be worldly and sophisticated, and maybe because he was the first man interested in me.

I think he looked at me and saw years of neglect not of body but of the spirit. He looked straight into my eyes. The transparency of my emotions and face revealed neglect. He could see that I didn't know what it meant for a man young or old to give me flowers and profess his love for me.

Mike knew by my actions that I had never been seduced or made love to by a man. I remember a boy asking me out and then trying to run his hand under my dress, but that didn't count. I was a prime candidate for Mike's kind of exploitation. At the time, I didn't understand the difference between sex and love.

I became excited about the attention from this older man. I figured if he was attracted to me than I must have been something to look at and desire. I didn't know that I was attractive, because no one ever told me but my parents, and that did not count. What counted were the attentions of a matured handsome older man.

He heaped attention and presents at me, an excited teenager on her first date. I missed all the things a normal teenager experiences—a first kiss, passion, and physical attraction that would burn my every being.

Mike asked me out to dinner, I accepted without thought. He bought me expensive presents I accepted. I accepted the presents, because I didn't know enough to turn them down. I thought that was what women did— accept presents from admiring suitors.

"Mike, thank you for this wonderful evening."

"I want you to be happy Sydney. I like you very much."

"I like you too Mike."

"You don't understand Sydney, I love you."

What I did not understand was that he just liked me, and in all the years we were married he did not say that he loved me. I had skipped all my formative years of courtship and love making as a teenager, and thought that I was ready for a matured man like Mike. I misunderstood the gifts he gave me as a way to show his love, but it was to buy my youth and loyalty. I asked Mike what he did to earn all the money he was spending on gifts.

He said that he bought and sold land for development, and he was able to do whatever he desired, because it was a very lucrative business.

I sailed into this relationship blind, inexperience, and in awe of a man, who I discovered later, did not deserve a walk in the park.

My dates with Mike amounted to questioning me as if he was conducting a survey.

"I'm interested in your views on marriage."

"Views on marriage, well let me see, I think when a person commits to a marriage it should be for a life time." How stupid and inexperience I was, so I decided to ask him the same question.

"What are your views on marriage?" I said staring into his eyes.

"I think a marriage should be defined by the two people who enter into this union." Well that sounded vague and evasive, yet I did not question him further, yet he continued. "Take the general view of a man and a woman remaining married throughout their life time and being committed to one person. Well I don't think that is a true concept for these times. We are living in the computer age and everything is changing so fast. A person should not say they are going to be with one woman or man for a life time."

There should have been a bell ringing at this point, I should have heard a sound to wake me up and say, "Really, that is strange," but no such luck.

"When I marry I want the same kind of marriage my mother and father has, because there should be love."

"Would you consider marrying me Sydney?"

I didn't want to sound as if I wasn't a worldly woman, and I said, "Of course. Of course." I hardly knew this man, and I am saying I might consider an important step like marrying him. You could put me in the hall of insane for that comment.

"Well would you marry me?"

I stared. Not one man ever asked me to marry. It was a strange thing to hear, like you are going to die soon. My mind wasn't working to its full capacity, and I said "yes," just like that.

Mike took that acceptance as a signal that he should have sex with me, yet that just wasn't part of the package. I informed him that I was saving myself for marriage and he looked at me as if to say, that was as out of date as a stale fruitcake from Christmas past.

His words hid what his face didn't say. "You have made me so happy, so happy to find a woman like you."

I didn't know how to feel. I know I did not feel happy. I didn't feel anything. I thought you were supposed to feel something. Could I take it back or go along with the insanity and maybe he will call it off, but he didn't.

Before I could arrange for a formal wedding, we were married at the local courthouse, and I went along for the ride. I must have been living in another time, or I didn't have the experience it took to say no. I wanted to please.

After informing my family, and a few yells from my father, and a cry from my mother, Mike took me to an elegant hotel, then I discovered why I had to un-ring the bell.

It was the most awkward time of my life. He didn't want to make love to me. I could not understand what turned him on. I thought all it took was me to excite him, and he would automatically want me, and what I offered—youth, inexperience, a firm soft body, and a pretty face. I thought that was all you need to get some men to pay attention and love you. Mike was not just any man; he had a few hidden secrets in his closet and soon all the skeletons came rushing out.

Yet I moved into Mike's home and tried to make it my own. I began telling everyone who asked that I was happy. I was a happily married woman. However, that was like putting a leash on a pig and pretending it was a cute little dog. It wasn't long before the professor began to dictate what he wanted. It started one day when I had the audacity to declare that I wanted to work.

Mike felt that his wife shouldn't work and that was that. No discussion, no ifs or buts. He even walked away from me and never touched the conversation again. Now I wasn't about to take no as a final directive, especially from a man I just married, and didn't love, so I confronted him.

"Mike we have to talk."

"What is it you want to talk about?"

"You never even considered my thoughts about working," I said, remembering how fast I committed to marrying him. I didn't know anything about this man. I didn't listen to my little mind that said, "Don't do it, don't do it!" I just did it.

"Why do you need to work?"

"I've never worked, never had a career. I have degrees that I may never use."

"We don't need the money because I have plenty."

"That is your money, not mine. It's not about money."

"It's always about money," he said thinking that I was too young to know the difference.

"I'll give you as much money as you need. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"What do you mean you don't want to talk about this anymore? I want to talk about this until we reach a compromise." I said determine to be heard.

Mike refused to say a word to me. He wouldn't talk to me for weeks. He had a posture of wrong and strong, passive aggressive. I had to tell someone, because this was a behavior that was foreign to me. There were no children and here I am in this rushed marriage with a man telling me I couldn't work, and refusing to hear any more about it.

We finally took separate bedrooms at his request, and then soon I began to realize that I wasn't alone in the home.

Mike's home was a spacious mansion with rooms upstairs and down. It was a mansion right out of Gone With The Wind. We lived in a subdivision called Plantation Run, the only thing missing were the dogs.

At the time he moved out of the bedroom, I remember thinking that this was a great thing, because I didn't get anything out of the sexual stuff—I could go for a lifetime without ever having another sexual experience again.

I mistakenly thought that Mike had the same inclinations. I had very little experience with men. I had the tendency to think that men are the same as women. I remembered reading somewhere that, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus, something to that effect. I colored a man's experiences like my own.

I had to talk to someone, so I called Heather. Heather met me at the local restaurant for steaks. Heather loved a good steak, and wine to compliment her meal. She said she needed the energy to get her through the day.

We discussed her husband and children, suddenly as if her family was not interesting enough, she zeroed in on my life as if she needed a movie of the week to make her day.

"Sydney I thought you would have kids by now."

"You mean a goat. Mike doesn't want pets around," I said with a grin. I knew what she meant. I knew what hill she was climbing.

"Sydney, don't be coy, why aren't you pregnant by now?"

"Mike and I agreed not to have any children just yet."

"You two have been married for a year and he is twenty years older than you," Heather stated with a puzzled look on her face.

"We are not sleeping together, and I don't know how we can have children if there is no sex," I said, as if I thought everyone had that type of arrangement.

"What! What! Are you serious? Stop! Stop!" Heather repeated in disbelief.

"I don't think there is anything wrong with what we're doing."

"Did Mike agree to this?" Heather questioned.

"He was the one who moved into the downstairs bedroom."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing."

"You act like that is something uncommon in a marriage. He said he was interested in my mind."

"Now I know you have lost it."

"I like the arrangement, I don't have to engage in something that I get nothing out of," I said sounding too stupid to know the difference.

"I can't believe with television and the internet to give you information on people and the world, that you would say something that I heard my mother say, and even she wasn't that naïve." Heather continued with a look of sheer pity for me, however, that didn't keep her from giving me a few small news briefs.

"What do you think Mike is doing? Have you questioned him? Have you even ventured into his bedroom to investigate?"

"He's always home and I hear him occasionally playing some videos."

"Are you sure he is playing videos? What kind of marriage is that anyway?"

"Mike gives me everything. I don't want for anything. He doesn't want me to work and I don't enjoy sex anyway."

"This has got to be the most ridiculous thing I've heard...ever. How many men have you had contact with in your life that you think that you don't want to have sex, and may never?"

I felt embarrassed to answer, but I did—"three."

"You are twenty five and that's all the men you have had?" Heather was almost laughing as she continued to mock me.

"Three, three, are you sure you didn't forget someone?"

I didn't know the right answer; was I supposed to say five, ten, fifteen, or maybe a hundred? I just did not know the answer—all I knew was that Heather thought three was not enough.

"Sydney, let me get this straight, you had sex with two boys in college and one man in your lifetime. Well not to get personal, but did you have sex on your wedding night?"

"Yes, why are you asking?"

"What about after that?"

"Once after that."

"And then what?" Heather gestured for more information.

"Mike moved downstairs, because he was having trouble sleeping, and he could rest better alone."

"That didn't ring a bell? Hello is anyone home?"

"Why is that strange?"

"Honey, sweetie, did you discuss this with anyone?"

"No, should I have?"

"Hello, is anyone home? You should have discussed that with your mother. It is unusual for a man not to sleep with his wife after two nights into their honeymoon, and for a year." Heather just shook her head. I could read her mind, what planet did Sydney step off?

I had to be from another planet—planet Know Nothing about Sex and Men. I didn't like the feeling that I didn't know about the affairs of the heart, life, and love.

I took the wrong road and now I have to get on the road that has been traveled more—the road of sex and pleasure. I'm sure that is what Heather meant.

The conversation with Heather made me curious about what Mike was about. I knew little of this man I was living with, and I didn't know him intimately. I felt it was about time I learned.

I arrived home from my outing to discover the man I called my husband. I walked into his downstairs bedroom. It was a bedroom for a man. I felt relieved that he didn't have a pink bedspread hiding in the closet. I felt that he was not gay, but what exactly was going on with him? He was a sexual man and he proved it on two occasions.

I searched around and nothing gave me pause to think that he was someone that preferred men. I decided to look further, and then I realized, I was searching my husband's private room. How would I feel if he did the same? I rationalized that he had done worse to me, and I continued without my conscience getting in the way.

Mike denied me love and a little happiness. I felt the coldness of my body throughout the year I lived with him. Maybe it was partly my fault because I could have given in to his demands. My hands moved over the clothes in his drawer and rested on women panties and a video tape. I suddenly became angry. I felt betrayed and thought I couldn't bring myself to look at the video, but I did—every second, every minute, and every hour.

Chapter 14

There was Mike, my wonderful understanding husband in a compromising position with several women. He didn't appear to like them for their minds, but for their bodies, and the sexual tricks he and they were performing on each other. I thought I would be hurt, but I wasn't. I realized that I was never physically attracted to this man, and I married him to say that I could get married.

As I continued watching a jaw dropping performance by my husband, I heard his car roll up the driveway. I heard the car door open and shut, and the sound of keys placed into the door. I didn't consider pretending I wasn't in his room. I made up my mind to confront him.

I sat on the bed and waited for him to enter his room. I even left the television on to prevent him from lying to me.

"Sydney, what are you doing in here?"

How special, he acted surprised. "I thought I would entertain myself with the latest video of you having oral sex with someone who appears to be our neighbors."

Mike casually looked at me as he put down his briefcase and began to undress," Those are movies of me before I met you," he said. "I suppose that makes it OK. It's OK to keep videos like these in our house."

"Yes when I'm not having a sexual relationship with my wife."

"It was you who moved to this room after declaring that it's more important to have a relationship with my mind instead of my body."

"You could have stopped me at any time, but you didn't sweetheart," Mike said as he moved in my direction. He had taken his shirt off and I looked at his bare chest for the first time in a year.

"Now you are blaming me for this void in our life," I resisted and walked away from his kiss.

"No Sydney, I'm not blaming you, it's me; I'm the dysfunctional one when it comes to sex."

"Well you looked like you were operating on all fronts and there didn't appear to be anything non-functioning."

He sat next to me on the bed and tried to act as if he was teaching me about men.

"Sydney it's like this, I'm not aroused by one woman. I need more than one and at the same time," he stated matter-of-fact in his down-home southern drawl.

"Let me understand this clearly. You are not turned on by just me, in fact, you need someone else."

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me this before we married?"

"I thought you could be the one to cure me of this." He stated standing behind me and caressing my hair.

I pulled away and peered at him. "You didn't wait to find out whether I would satisfy you. You just moved into the room downstairs. I can't forgive you for what you have done. You have helped ruin a marriage and a life I should have had with someone else."

"We can start all over again."

"What do you mean?"

"I can move back to your room and we can reserve this room for our threesome." Mike said hoping I was foolish enough to accept his offer.

I thought someone had put me in a boxing ring with the heavy weight champion of the world and I had just been K.O. in the first round.

Did I hear him right? I have spent a year of my life with a man I didn't know, or was it because I didn't want to know him. How screwed up can this be? Well I guess it was better than finding out he was an ax murderer, I told myself; as I stared at Mike to figure out what to do next. I knew that I was the kind of person that would never put up with that type of arrangement. I hadn't lived, this is my first marriage if you can call it that, and here I am deciding whether we should have someone else in my bed with my husband. How stupid does he think I am?

"This is not Big Love, and I'm not one of those women who think this is OK," I told him as firmly as I could.

"I'm not asking you to accept this on a full time basis, only when I have a need."

"When you have a need for someone else?" I asked incredulously. I could not believe what I was hearing. Maybe he thought I was totally crazy. I may have been a lot of things but not that.

"Well you can do what you want, but it will not be with me," I said as I walked up the stairs to pack my clothes.

I left Mike's house without him asking me to stay. I thought he should have begged me not to go, but he didn't say a word. I drove to Heather's home and asked her to put me up for a week. She agreed after wanting to hear all the sordid details. I informed her that there were only a few—I lied.

I secured a job and began earning my own money. I wondered why it took me so long to stand on my own. I knew the answer. I was afraid to be alone in the world. I thought I needed to be with someone, but if that someone was going to make me miserable, and change me into something I couldn't recognize, then I would be better off without anyone.

Mike caused me to see men differently, which turned me off to any type of dating. I did not hear from Mike and he did not initiate a divorce; I didn't divorce him, because I couldn't afford the divorce on a teacher's salary.

I arrived at my apartment after work, and to my surprise Mike stood waiting for me.

"Sydney, can I talk to you?"

"Sure Mike." I wasn't angry with Mike. I never loved him, and I was glad to be out of the relationship. Maybe I was as much to blame as he was.

"Can I come in?"

"Yes, but you can't stay long. I have loads of papers to correct; well you know how it is."

"I wanted you to know that I made a mistake. I have been trying to figure out why I am the way I am," Mike stated convincingly.

"Wait Mike, I don't think I want to go into this with you again."

"Would you consider coming back to me?"

In my mind, I would never consider dealing with a man like that in any lifetime again, but I didn't tell him that. I just smiled and said I would think about it, and I showed him the door. I had been out of that nightmare for a year and there was no way I would crawl back into that lion's den.

Mike continued to call and send me flowers and beg me to return to him. It was the life that I had been use to that made me consider his begging and pleading. He bombarded me with presents and pledges. He must have been a boy scout sometime in his life. He pledged to change; he pledged to see a marriage and sexual counselor. He pledged to love me. He made so many pledges that I should have seen a warning somewhere. I thought that it was my duty as a wife to try to resolve our problems, and my duty as a wife was to give him a second chance.

After informing Heather about my decision, she warned me, but I didn't listen. I did not consult anyone because I was naïve enough to believe that I could change a skunk into a pussycat. I guess that is what women live for—changing men and children.

I succumbed to the charms of Mike. The first night was the night I wanted my honeymoon to be. I dressed in a see-through negligee I bought at one of Heather's home parties that advertise to the bored and lonely homemakers of the world.

Women congregate to discuss and try to figure out what they can do to turn men on. I found myself participating in that endless waste of time.

I say that because I found out that you can swing on a chandelier with only a thong on your behind, but if that man is not into you, it will not make a damn bit of difference; the only thing you will get for your efforts are a serious whiplash and a paper cut in your butt.

I didn't swing on a chandelier, but I tried everything, and I bought all the party favors including the edible panties. Mike tried to act as if he was a new man, but it didn't take long for the old Mike to emerge.

In only a week, he began to discuss the pros of indulging in a threesome. I reacted by screaming and locking him out of the room. I tried to remind him of his standing in the community. He wasn't fazed by the loss of his teaching job at the nearby college. That was a cover. It appears people only let you see what they want you to see, and in the dark, nothing is ever what it seems.

Mike was possessed with his sexual fantasies. I reminded him that he agreed to seek a marriage counselor for help, but he conveniently forgot.

Again, caught in a quagmire of deceit, and this time I had to endure whatever came my way. I drew the line at participating in a threesome. I told Mike that I had made my bed and I had to lie in it. Therefore, I would allow him to experiment with his fantasies; however, he would have to participate alone. I carelessly helped this man create an open marriage where the only person benefiting was Mike.

Mike jumped into his life with all fours and immediately began to date other women. I insisted that he not bring any home, which he respected for a while. I knew he was going out to have intercourse with at least two women at a time. The very thought of it sickened me, and the prospect of him wanting me to join in, distorted my concept of marriage. I had become damaged goods, because I never experienced a decent relationship with a man. My first time out was with a man that craves a different life style than the one I expected.

I guess I was a product of too many fairy tales where you live happily ever after. Not even Princess Diana lived happily ever after. I shudder to think how she kissed a frog hoping for a prince. My prince would stay a frog, and I will be the sad Cinderella that is waiting for my prince to find me. Most frogs have some warts; some are completely covered as was the case with Mike.

Mike became very bold as his insatiable desire for sex was not met by me. He began perusing the internet to find partners. His ultimate fantasy was to have a wife that would create an environment where after a hard day at the office, then he could come home every day and have orgies. He had nerves to tell me his fantasies. I listened, and my skin began to crawl with disgust.

"Sydney all I want is to have you and another woman make love to me, and I make love to both of you."

"Mike what you are talking about is not love, it is pure sex."

"What is wrong with having it all?"

"There is no such thing as having it all. You want me to give up my beliefs and everything I thought I wanted for my life, to engage in your fantasy."

"What is wrong with enjoying your life the way you want?"

"Nothing, if deception is not a part of it."

"But you knew this when you came back to me, Sydney."

"There is no talking to you and I see you will never change; I'm moving out and this is the last time we will ever have this discussion!" I said.

Mike didn't seem to care if I was leaving him. He took everything in stride. He did not say a word or ask me to stay. He had this look of relief on his face. I didn't love Mike so the lack of emotions relieved me of the burden I carried.

I packed my clothes a second time and moved out of his house. I stayed for a short time with my sister, Carrie. I soon found a job, found an apartment, and found the life I lost. I didn't know where it was heading, but my life couldn't get any worse, I thought.

* * * *

I called a friend name Zack, and he asked me out to a restaurant on a double date with a friend name Robert. Robert's date was a girl I met while in college named Allyson.

Zack picked me up in his very expensive Mercedes sports car. All I know is it far exceeded his paycheck, but that was O.K. because his family was filthy rich and he was the only child.

It was a steamy night in Houston, and all I thought about was why I was on this date anyway. Zack and I had nothing in common except we were both the same type of people. We were polite, quiet, and lonely. We made small talk.

"Sydney, I hear you are getting a divorce."

"Yes, but I can't afford to pay a lawyer until I get a better job."

"How about coming to work with me?"

"Do you mean it?"

"Sure, I could use more help with editing this magazine."

"I know the company belongs to your family, but will they allow you to hire me?"

"I hire whom I want as long as I keep things going and don't make too many mistakes. I know you are no mistake."

"Thanks, Zack, I owe you one."

We drove up to the restaurant and met the other half of our date. The restaurant was wonderful; I could hardly believe that it was located in Houston and not in an exotic location.

Most people in Houston love to know everything about each other, and they are not shy about asking. Some think it is rude to ask a woman's age, how long she has been married, and why she doesn't have children. I expected those types of questions on our double date. It was not exactly a date because Zack and I knew the score and we had no illusions about any romance between us. Zack was barely five feet four inches. I am five six. I am attracted to men over six feet. I don't know why that is, it just is. Maybe that's how Mike got under the radar.

I walked into the restaurant and immediately I captured the eyes of Allison's date. If I were looking for someone, it would be a man like the one sitting with her, I thought. He was charming with manners, and he stood to introduce himself.

You could tell he was a Southern gentleman from the old school who appeared to have a lot of respect for a woman. Those were hard to come by in the days of speed dating. You see people are not what they seem; their personality is what they show, but bad character is always hidden.

Chapter 15

Living in New York—the Beginning

A close friend Tracy, whom I met in college, now lived in Brooklyn, a borough of New York. She suggested that I visit her and stay if I liked the city. Tracy lived just off Flatbush and in a section called Brooklyn Heights. She lived in Brooklyn because she could not afford the rent in the city. Tracy worked at the local college teaching a class in the social sciences.

Tracy is of West Indian heritage, born in London England, and came to the U.S by way of Texas. On completion of college, she returned to England, where she met her husband. Her husband brought her back to the states to marry her but neglected to inform her he had a wife, who was now living in the basement of his home in Boston with their three children.

After Tracy discovered that the wife was still in the house, Tracy did not make a fuss and the wife eventually left for England with only two of her three children. Tracy now divorced from her Englishman needed a roommate. She is a delight and I loved her accent. Her family is from Jamaica, and when she was with them, I could hardly understand her; with some friends and strangers, she spoke the Queen's English with the best of them. Tracy married her Brit the same time I married Mike, both marriages ended around the same time with different consequences and reasons.

I thought I would be married to him my entire life. After Mike had a heart attack and died suddenly, I packed my clothes and left Texas. I was a widow and never a bride. I left a lot of bad memories there.

Now I'm in New York and I'm a writer. I didn't have to worry about money because I have plenty, and I have no children. Mike left me all his money and property. I needed friends and something to take my mind off the past, someone to love me, and for me to love them. I reached Brooklyn after the cabbie gave me an unwanted tour of the three boroughs, Queens, Manhattan, and Brooklyn; I'm sure he missed one.

I paid what I knew to be an excessive amount of money, then I lumbered out of the cab, into the apartment building tired and dazed. I knew I was in for an experience.

The building was clean and well-kept and many of its inhabitants were artist and educators. Tracy greeted me after a few rings of the bell.

Tracy had a diverse group of friends at her apartment; Matt who taught theatre at a famous school for actors, Sylvia a playwright, and Steven who owned a Manhattan hair salon. Steven and I immediately connected. I knew he was gay right off. I could tell he was a man who couldn't come to terms with his love of men and woman; he was on the "down low," as Sylvia explained. Steven was at the apartment giving Sylvia and Tracy pointers on how to style their hair.

Steven's favorite conversation was men. Tracy shared his enthusiasm. They invested hours into discussing and arguing over what men wanted. I didn't join in because I didn't think I was qualified. I had only experienced sex with two boys and one man in my twenty some years and I don't think that counted for much.

During one of the spirited conversations weeks after my arrival, Steven declared that all men wanted was, "A good sandwich and a good blow job." Everyone in the room became silent; and to digest what he had shouted to the world. Then everyone took a breath, looked up and laughed loudly.

"Well you should know Steven," chided Sylvia, who appeared not to like Steven very much.

"Why are you jealous? You are jealous because I know what men want and I'm able to deliver," Steven said waving his hands and snapping his finger in the air.

"Fuck you Steven!" shouted Sylvia.

"Anytime, can I put that in my date book? Sylvia is going to fuck me, but wait I'm too young to die."

Sylvia a woman of thirty, who had a lot of drama and romance in her life, didn't appear to have fared well with the love end. Every time Sylvia became interested in a man, he was either gay or old.

Her latest lover was in his late sixties, and during a night of passionate love or sex, which ever suited her situation, Sylvia discovered she needed a friend, so she made a late night call to me after knowing me for only a week—I was a port in a storm.

The phone was ringing louder than usual.

"Sydney, is Tracy there?"

"No Sylvia, what's wrong, you don't sound well." I said concerned and sleepy.

"You could not imagine what has just happened."

"No, I couldn't, how about telling me," I said, but I was not prepared for what came next.

"I'm in the bed with this guy I know. He is all of fifty or sixty, and then he starts to sweat. I'm thinking that I'm giving him some good loving, and just like that, he drops dead on me."

"Are you kidding? You can't be serious."

"No he is just lying here with his eyes open."

"Did you call the ambulance or 911?"

"Are you out of your mind? He's married."

"What does that matter? You should call for an ambulance."

"What can I do now?" Sylvia whispered. "I'm thinking about leaving him in this room," she said matter of fact.

"I don't think that you should do that."

"What should I do?"

"Call the ambulance, does his wife know you?"

"Yes"

"What?"

"Did you say yes?"

"Yes don't act so surprised, he lives next door to me, on the same floor, the apartment to the right." I guess I will have to move," Sylvia said in a nonchalant voice.

"That's all you say is you will have to move."

"Well Sydney not everyone can afford to move, and into Manhattan no doubt."

"Sylvia, I don't think this is about me. Have you decided just what you will do?" I said trying to get her focused.

"I guess I'll have to call the ambulance, do you think the police will come?"

"What do you think Sylvia?" I said a little annoyed.

"I guess that was a silly question."

"I have to go Sylvia call me later."

The dead man in Sylvia's bed was married and someone had to tell his wife. Sylvia must have felt terrible trying to live that down. Steven was the second person to find out, and he never let her forget how she screwed a man to death.

Games were played out regularly at the apartment. I got the feeling that Sylvia and Steven had been lovers and now they were mortal enemies.

The apartment was neat but small; however, it was a meeting place for people that liked good discussions, opinions, and food.

Tracy welcomed me and gave me a hug.

She was cooking some of her native food, curry goat. You could smell the strong pungent smell of her cooking waffling through the hallway of the building. I was happy to be in New York and happy to leave Texas behind me. The memories and skeletons in closets were overflowing and eventually they would be out like a Halloween nightmare.

Tracy directed me to the small room where I would stay for a while, it was an extra room Tracy used for office space; it was great, even though I had to wade through papers and books to find my bed. I put my suitcase in the room. Tracy couldn't wait to give me up to date information on her life. She plopped on the bed next to me.

"I'm glad you came, Sydney. You need a change of scenery," she said trying to get a few things off her chest.

Tracy always started a conversation about the other person, but very soon, it would be about her. I listened.

"I needed a change too. Girl, bumba clod. I met this Anglo in London and he asked me to marry him."

"Ass, I told him yes. Girl he married, yea, I not know it."

Tracy fell back into her accent because she felt comfortable with me. I had to strain to understand her. I just acted as if I knew what she was saying. When Tracy talked to people whom she just met, she had this perfect Queen's English.

"That was terrible. When did you find out?" I said trying to understand what I had missed.

"After I come to his home in Boston, there he is with his white wife and children living in the basement of their home."

Tracy started talking and didn't finish until early Saturday morning. I understood that she stayed married for about eight years, but when she decided to make her breast smaller, because it bothered her back, her husband found him another woman. She even told me about Steven and his love triangle.

One spirited evening at Tracy's apartment, I made a mistake and asked Steven about Sam.

"Steven, I understand that you are interested in a married man."

"Who told you that?"

"Oh I'm sorry; I didn't know it was a secret."

"Steven how can you date a married man? I think that's sick," shouted Sylvia. Steven looked around at Sylvia and gave her the finger.

"Nothing could be more disgusting than swinging," I added.

"Well you gay people are having too many partners," Sylvia insinuated

"I'm only seeing one man," said Steven smugly.

"What about Sam, who is he seeing?"

Everyone looked around the room and looked up at the ceiling, you could hear a few whistles, and no one wanted to meet Steven's eyes. When sex is involved people will do almost anything to satisfy their desires, even if it means lying to themselves.

I know all about lying, I continued my lies throughout the lonely years I stayed married to a man I could not stand or tolerate. I closed my eyes and mind to the world to make some peace with it, just to exist in it.

All I could feel was contempt for Mike because of his deceptions. I wanted to be married and have children. I could never forgive him for the destruction of my illusions and dreams.

Now with his money I'm able to live some of my dreams. I felt lucky now and I wanted to enjoy every moment of living in New York. For some strange reason, Steven and I had a good rapport. We enjoyed each other's conversations and company.

He thought I was a little green because I came from the South. He took it upon himself to show me New York, and warn me about what New York can do to a person. I had seen more in Texas. New York would be a cakewalk. I have met good people in both places and I have met the worst types everywhere.

Steven shuttled me around to get me acquainted with the sights and sounds of New York.

Zack arranged for me to transfer to a job in New York and Steven showed me where I would be working. Zack even informed me that I could take as much time as I needed to get acquainted with this vibrant city. He knew that a place as awesome as this could be overwhelming.

I settled in and began working before I checked in with my boss. My boss was Zack and I knew as long as I produced, there wouldn't be a problem.

Steven did not waste any time solidifying his friendship with me, he even introduce me to friends of his who had contacts to very eligible straight men.

Because Steven owns a salon, he knew all the gossip of those who had money. He knew all their secrets and he kept them most of the time. He only divulge information if someone crossed him, otherwise I found him to be a loyal friend and confidant.

Chapter 16

The Last Straw

You are only as strong as your weakest link. Vanity was my strength, yet it became my weakness. Vanity caused me to leave Danny and propel my life into orbit.

"Are you ready Sydney?" Robert yelled from his room. "We have only a few minutes to get across town and the 610 loop near the Galleria is a disaster. "Come on Sydney, hurry!

I could not stand another minute living a lie with Robert, but I didn't say a word. I lived in a state of siege. He blackmailed me to keep me.

Robert worked for an oil company in Houston, and he amassed a fortune. You could see by what he collected in a short period, paintings, jewelry, and houses in the riches areas along the Gulf coast. Sean and I were a part of his collection.

He set me on a shelf and dusted me off when company came. Here is my wife and son he proudly announced, but I was not his wife and Sean was not his son. Robert walked around like a man possessed. He acted as if he was a robot that had programmed itself to accept whatever his mind convinced his body.

Houston was a big town that thought it was a city. Numerous cities and towns border Houston. Robert's company recruited him from one of those neighboring towns. He liked the money and the lifestyle it afforded, so he moved to Houston.

We moved into a gated community in the Woodlands, shortly after Danny found us on Bammel lane.

Robert and I insulated ourselves from the crime of the big city, but not the crime we perpetrated on Sean and Danny. I could forgive Danny, but I would never forgive Robert. Robert never tried to prevent me from coming and going where ever and whenever I wanted, but I was a prisoner of the mind and spirit. He was trying to break my spirit; many men better than he has tried, with no success.

Sean was now a year old and he had never seen his father since Danny showed up at Robert's door. Robert taught Sean to call him daddy, but you could see the distance Robert put between him and Sean. He despised Danny and now he was using Danny's son to hurt Danny and me.

"I am putting on my makeup, I'll be right out." I said in a hapless voice.

"You don't need makeup, you look beautiful."

I was pleasing to look at, but not beautiful, then who is? Men thought I was, and perception is reality some say. I gave the illusion of beauty. A masquerade.

Robert paraded me around his friends and told everyone I was his wife and he had a son.

His friends would tell him how lucky he was to have a beautiful woman and handsome son. He was only concerned about the picture. In the movie, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Dorian was only concerned about his outer appearance, while he rotted inside from his horrible deeds.

Robert and I arrived at the party that was for the oil executives at Galaxy Oil. The company had dealings with a well-known company that was now bankrupt. The entire evening Robert was nowhere to be found. I saw him whispering and walking in circles with a few of the executives. He walked insanely when he was nervous and worried.

As we drove home after the dinner, I ventured to ask Robert, "What is wrong? You look pensive, you are in deep thought." I was long past concerning myself with Robert; I was asking to find out whether he was vulnerable enough to allow me to take Sean to Italy. I had to ask permission to take my son out of the state and country. I was on the verge of screaming into the night.

"Robert I have never been to Europe, and I would like to take Sean with me to Italy," I glanced over at Robert.

"I'm not going to let you take Sean anywhere."

"Please Robert let me take him. I don't want to be away from him so long."

"I can rent a place in the country and bring the housekeeper to take care of him while I write for my magazine."

"No! No, and don't ask again."

"Who are you going with, that bastard? You think I don't know what you have been up to?"

"You don't know anything."

"You think I don't? I know that he is in to drugs, so he will never get Sean. I read and I keep up with him and you. I know where you are every minute," he said raising his head with an air of confidence.

"I knew when you flew to Los Angeles and he decked an actor over you. I knew when you went to that club in New York and you slapped him. It's in the papers, and now they say he is a druggy. Do you think I'm going to allow you to bring Sean around that drug addict?"

"Sean is Danny's son not yours!" I screamed.

I despised Robert more each day as he began telling me about Danny. I wasn't about to let him control my life. I made up my mind to bring an end to this horrible nightmare.

We arrived at Robert's home only to hear the phone ring. Robert answered the phone.

"Who is this?"

"Who do you want to speak to?"

After a pause: "I want to speak to my son."

"Listen here Danny, I'm not going to let you talk to him, ever, but you can talk to Sydney." Robert said with a wide grin dancing all over his face. He handed the phone to me.

Danny was high and wanted to talk to Sean. Robert wouldn't let him speak to Sean, but he could speak to me, Robert enjoyed the power he had over Danny, and Danny sank deeper into despair.

"Sydney, I miss you and I want to see my son." He said, slurring his words. I knew he was drunk or high."

"Danny you are high, don't you know what you are doing to yourself."

"The only thing I'm doing is trying to

make it through the night...Sydney I love you." I heard a voice in the background drown out his plea. "Danny, come to bed."

"Danny go to bed! You are screwing around with your life and my son's life," I yelled. I was so jealous I could die.

"What about my life with you?" he said sounding like a little boy.

"As long as you take drugs it is over."

"It is not over Sydney until I say it's over and it will never be over!"

"You are drunk Danny, leave me alone."

"Sydney I can't leave you alone don't you know you are my life, and if I don't have you and Sean I have nothing. I'm dead. Sydney if you come back to me I will go into rehab, and I will never drink or do drugs again. I need you."

I could have cried, but I wouldn't enable him.

"You need to do this for yourself and our baby."

"How is my baby? Who is he calling daddy?" His voice saddens and then he became angry. "I hate you so much I feel like dying," he screamed into the phone.

I was so upset that night that I couldn't sleep. I was losing my mind and I couldn't retrieve any remnants of it. I couldn't figure a way out of this hell.

The next day Danny called again, despair drove him and he cursed me; then he informed me of whom I was living with. It seems he was monitoring Robert also. Robert was under investigation for fraud, he stated; the puzzle pieces began to fit, that is why he was acting so strange.

I was busy with Sean, Danny, Steven, and my job that I didn't see the signs. The signs were everywhere; I had been blind. The signs reminded me that I was living with a time bomb, which could go off at any moment, and Sean and I would be collateral damage.

I heard from Steven who called to inform me of Danny's problems. It appeared everyone knew. I felt as if I was in a half-dream world and I couldn't wake from it.

"Girl have you heard, well, it's all over town that Danny lost a part because he was too high to go on the shoot. And when he did he was a mess."

I didn't want to hear anymore. I could not help from blaming myself. "I can't stand this Steven."

"All you say is you can't stand it, your man is going to hell in a hand basket and you sit around crying and blaming yourself. Do something!"

"What can I do? He doesn't want any help. He has a woman."

"You call that a woman. She's a child, and from what I hear she and her boyfriend are using Danny to finance their drugs. He'll be broke soon."

"Danny is a man. He can take care of himself. He wants that woman; otherwise, he wouldn't be with her."

"She is a step from being ostracized from the fashion world. She is into serious drugs, and everyone is discussing it in my salon. You know how gossip is. It starts with the maids and before you know it, it's as if the paparazzi is sitting in your living room. If you don't believe me Sydney look at the papers. The paparazzi are following them around and you can see that boyfriend in the background. You know that Anthony character you met at his club. You had better do something before Danny loses everything. You forgot you have a son. That's his inheritance Page is taking."

"I need to make some calls, maybe I can get him into a treatment center in Arizona," Sydney said feeling despondent.

"You will need to do more than that; you may have to take him to the treatment center yourself."

"How in the hell am I going to do that?"

"Lie to him, you do remember that."

"I can't do that."

"Hello, remember, that is what got you into this mess, lying, it might get you out. Are you going to let those vultures destroy him?"

I didn't see the logic in Steven's thinking, but I was willing to try anything.

"Ok, Steven lets go to Los Angeles. You are coming too!"

"I wouldn't miss this for all the male model orgies in the world," Steven said as he anticipated a little excitement in his life.

Steven and I spent more time on planes than working. There was always someone's life that needed straightening out, including our own. It was Steven and my life that was caught on a treadmill and going around and around like a carousel. I lied to Robert, left my son again, and flew to L. A.

* * * *

Los Angeles

Danny's Intervention

We checked into our favorite hotel in Beverly Hills, ready to save the world. We just had too much money and too much time on our hands. Steven and I were like a couple of super heroes always available when someone was in need. We should have been volunteering at the homeless shelters or Habitat for Humanity, but instead we were saving people with all kind of resources. I guess they needed a little help too, maybe more.

"Girl, it seems as if we have played this movie somewhere before, but with the same actors."

"Steven, you convinced me to come here, what is the plan?"

"The only plan I have is to get him out of that house and get him sober."

"Steven, what was that about that little model and a boyfriend?"

"Well the way I hear it, she is doing serious drugs, because her boyfriend sells it on both coasts. He got her hooked, then she turns on the rich guys, and she buys the drugs from Anthony."

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound like Danny; he would never be with a woman he thought would have another man."

"He doesn't know, and besides, he wants you back and he's not thinking straight."

After we unpacked and ate, we made plans to kidnap Danny. Here we go again into another threshold of life, hoping for happy endings.

* * * *

Steven and I were going to play—This Is Your Life with Danny. After arguing with Steven, I left the hotel alone and drove straight to Danny's house in a rented car. I still had the entry card and key. He gave them back to me after we made love on his floor, and after I said I was bringing Sean back. I did not care what it took; I was going into that house and bring Danny out.

I remember the last time Danny and I made love and I made all sorts of promises to him. Promises I couldn't keep. I didn't know that I was controlling lives when I made decisions that had implications that were far reaching for Danny and me.

I walked into the house, the smell was nauseating, garbage was everywhere, and you could see it was a party house. Bottles lined along the floor in that once beautiful home. People walking around drunk and having sex in any room they could find. Drugs were everywhere, and there was enough cocaine and pills to fill a ten-pound bag of sugar.

I looked everywhere for Danny. Then I found him. In a room with two women and a man; I recognized the little model and the other one was an up and coming actress. Now I know what it is meant by "It's not who you know it's who you blow." Danny's little companion was blowing everything she could find. I didn't recognize the young man right away. On a second look he was her pimp boyfriend Anthony. He must have been in disguise, or I did not know him without clothes.

The young man about twenty three or twenty four, lay wasted on the bed enjoying a blowjob and giving head to another woman. My first thought was to get a whip and lashed them with it, but they might enjoy the attempt. I searched the room and there he was. Didn't he know his young paramour was blowing someone, or did he care?

Danny was on the floor in a corner sleeping. No one noticed me or cared that I was witnessing their depravity. It was as if I was watching a sex video.

There in that corner was my beautiful young man who was ruining his life. I walked to him, shook him and he immediately looked up and recognized me. He was dirty, and it looked as if he had on the same clothes for days. This could not be the same man, I thought. Nevertheless, it was. It was my Danny, because when he looked up at me, I saw the green eyes that set my heart on fire and made my heart stop its rhythm.

"Sydney I was just dreaming about you, are you real?"

"I'm real Danny."

"What are you doing here?"

"I came to get you."

I had to help Danny to his feet; he was drunk, then he tottered over to the table to indulge in more cocaine. He never looked at the bed. He just looked at me.

"Danny you have to stop this if you are going to see Sean."

His face lit up and he became more responsive.

"You have to take a shower and a shave."

"I'm not going into the shower unless you are coming too." He still didn't notice what was going on in the room. Maybe he was too far-gone to notice are too blind, whatever it was, he shut out the whole world when I was around.

I took off my clothes and I did as Danny wanted. We looked at each other the way we were before the craziness and the drugs. His body was amazing; he had been lifting weights for the movie he was fired from. This was going to be his break out movie and he lost it to Phillip Cross, his nemesis. It appears that no matter what I do, I doom Danny to hell. I thought that he could forget me, which was something I could never live with, so how could I expect it of him.

"Sydney I haven't had another women since I last saw you. I always took precautions... Sydney, I dreamed I held you in my arms once more; I felt and caressed your beautiful breast," he mused with sexual hunger chasing his thoughts; then he put his lips on my nipples and I was in heaven. He was high from the coke, but I did not stop him from making love to me in that shower and on the bathroom floor for over an hour. I hungered for the touch of his warm body and his love. He still knew what to do to me to make me feel lost in time and space.

There was no time to clear the house of all the derelicts that were hanging around our home. I sneaked Danny out of it with a lie and Steven's help. Steven met me at our home and physically carried Danny in his arms when he could not walk to the car. Danny slept as I dropped Steven at the hotel. It was a five-hour trip into the desert. Reluctantly, I began driving.

My first stop was a gas and restroom break. Danny woke to ask where we were going. I told him that we were going to Arizona to get Sean; he took that in stride. He lamented about how he wished he had some drugs. I told him that he couldn't see Sean with drugs in his system, which he agreed. I gave him liquor, and he slept through the trip.

After driving for hours in the mountains and through the desert, I came to what looked like a spa, it was Cold Mountain Ranch. Danny finally woke and was agitated and asked: "Where are we?"

"We are at a spa in the desert," I lied.

"Where is Sean?'

"Sean is not coming tonight, he will be here tomorrow. You need to be sober for him." He agreed.

I told myself that I would never lie to Danny again and here I was. I told myself that it was Ok because I was saving his life. He appeared more tired than I did, but he kept asking for something to keep him high. He had a bad habit.

On the outside of the ranch, it did not appear to be anything more than an expensive ranch and spa. Danny was oblivious to what was going to happen next. I checked into the room and made him get out of the car.

"I want something to drink," he shouted.

"I can't get you anything," I shouted back.

"Why did you bring me to this fucking place if Sean isn't here?"

"I brought you here to help you."

"I remembered the last time you wanted to help me, remember," he said. His voice and eyes deepened and he appeared to be a stranger.

Danny made me feel guilty, but I would not take the blame this time. I was trying to get him help. He fell across the bed exhausted. He drank all the liquor in the bottle that I carried with us from his house. He had to have been up for days, because he didn't wake up as I sneaked out the door, praying that he did not see me.

My life was changing all around me, and all I could wonder was why life is so cruel. Alone, driving and crying, I answered myself. "Life is letting us know we are alive." I once again left the desert and took a plane out of Arizona to fly back to Texas.

I have been on more flights with too much time to think. I began to plan my get away from Robert. I felt like a criminal planning a robbery. I was in a sense a thief; I robbed Danny of his heart, robbed myself of a life, robbed my son of a loving father, and now I am stealing from Robert what he stole from me.

The plane set down on the runway without crashing. Life changing events never happen when you expect them, they happen in their own time. I had to play out the cards of life, because there would be no divine interventions to stop the madness.

I arrived at Robert's home to see him standing at the window looking pale and distant. He did not hear me when I told him I was taking Sean to the park. He did not hear me when I told him I would be late. He did not hear me when I said I might not be back. He nodded his head and I slipped away. I was going to leave that day but Sean forgot his Teddy.

He had this special Teddy that he made in the bear store in the Galleria that he named Danny. I had to drive back to Robert's home to get Danny the bear. Sean named the bear after I told him who his father was and showed him a picture of his real father. Sean said he would never forget how much he loved his father and much he wanted to see him. He would keep the bear however long it took his father to find him. Then he would let it go.

Because Robert was preoccupied with his problems, I was able to arrange a flight out of Houston and into Newark, New Jersey with a stop in London then on to Italy. I knew Robert would not suspect that I had taken Sean out of the country. He thought he understood my nature and personality. He thought I was a woman that would take the easy way out. He did not know me, because he would have learned that nothing I've done in life has been easy. I was now fighting for control of my life.

Chapter 17

Sydney's Escape to Italy

"Sean hurry, mommy has to go, get your little bear," I said trying to sneak out of the house and run as far away as I could from Robert. Robert was under investigation for fraud from his company and he was facing over ten years in federal prison.

I should have felt sorry for Robert but he began to show me that he was a selfish cold-hearted monster. He wouldn't allow Danny visitation rights even when Danny took a DNA test to prove that he had a right to his son. He wouldn't let Sean take the test.

Sean stood, stared, and said, "Mommy is daddy coming?" That was a knife in my heart; I wanted to tell him that daddy was sick and he will see us soon."

I couldn't say. I didn't know if we would ever see Danny again.

I called Steven and Heather to let them know my plans, and Steven was all for the trip to Italy, only if he could come, visit, and have a place to stay free. I welcomed Steven.

I planned my trip, because I knew of Robert's preoccupation with the bankruptcy of his company. He didn't have time to concentrate on me. I called a realtor to find a home anywhere in Italy. She found one and informed me that I would be delighted with a villa in Lake Maggiore.

She assured me that it was a few kilometers from Milan, and I could shop until I dropped. Only a free mind can engage in such activities. Not a mind filled with my past. My mind was full with Robert and Danny. Not many people are strong of character, where they can weather deception.

The heart is a fragile part of your spirit, once it's frozen, no amount of heat can thaw it and bring it to life. It remains dead. I would have to possess the greatest magic to restore Danny's heart. Maybe the love of his children could melt that cold heart.

I packed everything I thought I needed to make my get away. I knew that I couldn't face Robert; I waited until I thought he had a business meeting, and then I fled. I threw away everything that reminded me of him. Sometimes it has to be that way to live. I could not leave the things that Danny gave me. I could not leave anything of Danny's behind. If I tried—I would have lost my mind.

I called a taxi and it came immediately. I coaxed Sean out of the house quickly, and then he announced that he needed his favorite toys.

"Sean, we have to go now. We can't spend all this time looking for every toy you have. You'll have to leave some of them behind." I tried to reason with a three year old.

"But mom I just can't leave Mr. Rabbit he will be lonely."

"I know, but Uncle Robert will take care of him." I had introduced Robert as his uncle. As Sean became older, I began to show him pictures of his father and made him to understand that his father was Danny.

"Mama...Daddy can't find us at our new house. I won't go. Daddy won't find us."

"He will find us Sean, soon." I couldn't promise Sean anything, but I took a leap of faith, and hoping that one day we would be with his father.

We finally got everything into the cab when I saw Robert's car driving through the gate; Sean waived to him. I could see the sad look on his face as he finally realized that I was leaving, and he couldn't stop me. I should have felt guilty; however, at that moment, I didn't have a spot in my heart or soul for guilt.

I didn't have the time to think about how lonely I had become until now. Now I'm moving to a foreign country to get away from all the men that have touched my life.

Does this ever end? I asked. I can't believe there are other souls in the world that are enduring what I have had to endure. It all started when I made one mistake; I guess that's all it takes to screw up your life

I sat staring into the sun as if I were Icarus trying to reach the heavens with a pair of paper wings, flying into the sun, burning, and falling back to earth.

Chapter 18

Phillip Cross

Phillip Cross was drunk on his fame and good looks. Those were the only substances he consumed. He believed in handling his life completely sober. Life had been good. Things came to Phillip easy. Although surrounded by abuses of every kind, he felt above the crowd, and controlled others from high ground. His edge on younger men vying for his job as the top male star in the movie business was his ability to keep his cool and stay sober.

No one could compete with him if he wanted a woman. That desire became crucial to him since he reached middle age and saw a few gray hairs. He is forty and still a bachelor.

He sat looking into a mirror wondering what happen to all the years. What had he done with them? He has money and fame but little else.

He could get any woman he desired, but he wanted something more. How many women did he have to have to close the break in his heart and ease his sexual desires? The answer came back to him—"only one." The one he never got a chance to seduce with his warm charms and cool demeanor.

Phillip once an eternal bachelor never met a woman he didn't want to fuck. He had been a major action star in the U. S. and abroad since he was a teenager. His life was the movies, as well as bedding every pretty woman he encountered, and there were many in his bed on and off the set.

The art of the conquest fascinated him. He had to conquer a woman who defied his reality.

He felt the pains of his pass transgressions and of performing his own stunts. Phillip with all his money, charisma, class, and good looks, could never get a handle on a woman who could rock his world, and send him out of orbit. That woman had to demand his attention and satisfy his insatiable desire for sex. He never figured out why he could not find that someone. His status as a sex symbol, and the world's most eligible bachelor, should have made it easy.

Phillip's time had been invested in his career, and spending a lot of time out of the U. S. He traveled throughout Europe and Asia, and saw beautiful women, but nothing could satisfy him. He traveled intently searching for a place to give him the peace from his fans and women storming his hotel room. He finally discovered a country where he would love to invest his time and renew himself, and that was Italy. He longed to live there.

Phillip loved Italy, with its quant homes and beautiful gardens. The wild flowers that grew all along the countryside were especially appealing. Maybe it was his age, and lack of children that caused him to be melancholy, because he longed for something different in his life.

Maybe I should purchase a home there, he thought. The idea sounded inviting. He would sell one of his many homes in California, because they were costly to maintain. He could only live in one at a time. Some homes he rented out, and forgot he owned those palaces.

A notion came to Phillip, and he picked up the phone and called a friend who is a realtor. "Sandy, Phillip here, I'm thinking about moving to Italy. Can you find me a place and e-mail some pictures?"

"Do you have a place in mind?"

"No, I 'm thinking about a town on the border of Switzerland and Italy, near the sea." I have to be near water."

"Sure Phillip, it's been a busy time lately. Everyone wants to live in Italy."

"How so?"

"Well, I just received a call from a friend and she said that a woman from Houston wanted to purchase something in Italy."

"Anyone I know?"

"I don't know, but gossip has it she's the woman that was caught with you in that altercation with Danny McCloud, but you know how gossip is in Hollywood." Sandy whispered.

"For one thing I don't want to hear his name again. The papers made me look bad. Those stupid jerks said I was a washed up actor. Move over Phillip, Danny McCloud has more juice. Those rags detailed every event as if they had cameras in my bedroom."

"Well they did. Those cell phones sent pictures all over the world," Sandy said reminding Phillip.

No one knew that Steven was selling stories to the press, because he wanted to be a part of the Hollywood crowd. He didn't need the money. He loved juicy gossip, only if it was about someone else.

"What's the name?" Phillip inquired.

"Sydney Benning."

"That's her, that's her. I will never forget that woman. I want you to get me a house near her. I don't care where she buys one," Phillip said, remembering that night, tilting his head, shaking it as he smiled.

"Will do," Sandy said following Phillips orders.

"Thanks Sandy."

Phillip sat on his plush sofa, put his feet on a table, poured himself a drink, and enjoyed his thoughts.

He broke into a laugh that revealed his deep dimples on the sides of his strong jaw line. Extremely attractive for a man in his forties, his piercing cool grey eyes, a thick head of curly mingled grey hair, which the makeup artist always concealed in his movies, revealed still a virile sexy man. Proudest of his grey hair and chiseled good looks, he knew women of all ages desired him. His money, sex, good looks attracted them to him, and he aimed to please.

He promised everything except marriage. A lone bachelor waiting for the perfect woman for his needs and desires, however, he never met her—well maybe for a few minutes.

The woman called Sydney intoxicated Phillip. Until recently, he didn't know what he lacked in side of him. He couldn't get that woman out of his head or the desire for her.

It may have been that Danny loved her with a passion, which caused her to be so pleasing to Phillip. She had such an attitude and presence. She was quirky, smart, and brash. She was able to have a young man want to fight for her. That just wet Phillip's appetite. He had to know more about her. He knew that Danny still wanted her and that made her even more appealing to him. After Phillip hung up the phone, he called an associate who owed him a favor.

"Max this is Phillip Cross."

"Oh, what can I do for you Phillip?"

"I'm interested in some information."

"You know me, I will give you any information on anyone except my clients," Max stated shrewdly. Max wasn't a complete dick, he had scruples.

"Yea, Yea Max, I know. Let's cut the bull; can you tell me about Sydney Benning?"

"You should know more about her than I do. She was the one in your bed with only a towel on when Danny slugged you and dragged her out of your home."

"Listen Max..." Phillip did not get a chance to finish.

"I can't tell you anything. I have to go," Max said, hanging up on Phillip.

Phillip's anger ceased because he understood. He knew loyalty ran deep with Max, however, he could have gotten lucky.

Phillip depended on luck to color his life. Why not, that's how he had become a star, became rich, and stayed a bachelor. He told everyone he was just lucky when asked why no woman had managed to capture him.

He didn't have children that could be proven by DNA. Many women didn't think of accusing him of fathering children from the Atlantic, Pacific, and the Mediterranean Sea. If a woman dared say he was the father, Phillip's lawyers dragged them into court. Few showed up. The pressures exerted on them, proved worthless to them in time and money. That was in his youth, now no one said he had a chick or a child. Now he welcomed flattery, but none came his way. Now he was searching for the things most people wanted, and had at the midpoint of their lives—a wife and a family.

Phillip snapped back from his yearnings, daydreams, and thoughts of Sydney. He placed call to his investigator friend to get the lowdown on her.

"This is Phillip Cross. I want you to find out everything you can about Sydney Benning. I want everything, including her medical records. I want information from as far back as high school," Phillip demanded.

"You got it Mr. Cross."

Phillip used his private investigator to get the goods on women and men. He had to be the first to know about someone if he planned to have contact with them, or if they were rivals in the movie business. The power of information seduced him. He discovered Danny's weakness when agents and producers mentioned Danny as a possible threat to his career as a leading man.

Phillip learned that Danny was born in Glasgow, Scotland, and his mother left him taking his twin brother with her to Canada, where she died. He found out about everyone except Sydney. He heard rumors about Danny's drug use, where he snatched a role from him. The information he gathered, and presented to the producers saved Phillip's ass.

If Danny was doggit about what he wanted, Phillip was ruthless, and seldom lost what he desired. He was always a winner, and staying on top of the game was his game. Even if he had to muddy the waters of everyone who posed a threat to what he wanted in life, and now he wanted Sydney.

Phillip invented the "deep screw shot" he would snooker Danny and take Sydney.

If Phillip knew how to play "Snooker," a billiard game, he would be a master.

It didn't take long for the investigator to get back to Phillip. The phone rang only hours after Phillip hung up.

"Mr. Cross, I found out some information on that woman Sydney. She's from Texas and has been married before. She's twenty eight.

"Look, tell me something I don't know."

"She's living with a lawyer named Robert Farrell, who is due to be indicted for his role in that oil company scandal in Houston. It bottomed out and bankrupt thousands in the company, and that little boy is not his, he's Danny's son.

"What?" Phillip said shocked.

"Get this, he adopted Danny's son and won't let Sydney take him out of Texas."

"She's living with a genuine bastard," Phillip stated.

"Not for long, I understand she's buying a home in Italy. Listen to this; she's pregnant again for Danny."

Phillip sat silent. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. After a long pause, his mind focused on what had to be done.

"Good Job. Call me when you've got more."

"Will do."

There are several things about information that rings true throughout the world, and it is that you can't keep anything a secret as long as you are not the only person on the planet. The second thing is people will talk and there is a lot to be said about six degrees of separation.

The theory is six people in this world separate us. Those six people will know someone that know you, and provide all the information. This is Phillip's belief, and he used this mantra to his advantage.

A confident Phillip knew he possessed destructive information against Danny and Robert. Kill two birds with one stone and get rid of his competition. How was he going to make the information work for him? What was Sydney planning? Few people knew of the villa.

The thought of seducing Danny's woman and capturing her heart interested and intrigued him. The proposal is intriguing as the woman herself. Sydney is a woman that leaves a lasting impression on a man whenever she comes in close contact with him, he thought. For Phillip, it took only a few minutes, because she electrified his body. She presented an intense pleasure that surrounded her like a magnetic field drawing him in.

The sexual power, and youthful voluptuous body of Sydney caused his desperation and lust, but he couldn't help thinking about the possibilities of love, children, and a life with her. What started out as a notion to get revenge, changed to a real desire to know Sydney.

Phillip couldn't get Sydney's scent out of his senses. She had a smell that was so erotic and enticing. The smell of her body reminded him of the most intense longing and loving of a young schoolboy, falling head over heels for his first love. The smell sent him back to his youth, and carried him away when he was near her. For no apparent reason than that, Phillip desires ran rampant for Sydney.

The next day Phillip contacted his realtor to discover that she had this perfect property in Lake Maggiore, and after looking at it from her office computer, he bought the villa. The realtor informed him that Sydney had closed on a villa next door to him. Phillip learned some important gossip that the realtor had gleaned from Sydney. Sydney was having another baby. This was old news.

Phillip thought for a moment. The idea of a family was what he had in mind. He knew now he could never have children of his own. The idea of marrying Sydney and becoming a father to her children suited him just fine--as it stands, it was what he wanted, and that was better than adopting children, he thought.

Phillip was a meticulous person with his life and money.

Phillip made wonderful plans, however, he didn't know whether he was the type of man that Sydney wanted, and he didn't know whether Danny was somewhere near to screw up all his plans.

He knew women because he had a lifetime of women. He had all types and all colors. Women were women to him until he met Sydney. Maybe she would be the one to do it for him. She certainly had that it he was looking for. She was independent, strong willed, humorous, and could make a man want to spend an eternity with her.

These thoughts opened his mind to possibilities that Phillip would take liberties to achieve. He decided to make another call to his investigator friend to include another person in his background check.

"Phillip here, I want you to check on Robert Farrell."

"Strange, but I just got this information on him. Robert Farrell is under and indictment for his part in the scandal at Galaxy Oil. I have it on good authority that the indictments will be handed down soon."

"Is this reliable information?"

"I have connections at the justice department and they are talking ten years if found guilty. He could lose everything."

"That's what I am counting on."

"Keep me informed."

Phillip had his secretary book him a flight to check out his property. He would arrive in New York, do some shopping, and fly on to England—then Milan, and on to Lake Maggiore.

* * * *

Phillip arrived in Milan in the late afternoon, and decided to tour the city. He forgot to brush up on his Italian. Loping through the streets of Milan, without any help, he looked foolish. He always traveled with someone who could speak the language, drive, and whatever else he needed to transverse a foreign country, yet this time he was on his own flying solo.

It was something new to him to be alone in a strange and beautiful country. The only time he stopped in Milan was to get to Rome and Venice. Milan was for shopping, but Venice was for love and business, especially when the film festival came to Venice. His affinity for Venice ran deep as the canals. This may have been because pirates of old found rest and played in Venice. He was a bit of a pirate whenever he was in Venice.

Phillip ambled around Milan and then rode a trolley to see how the regular people lived. This was the first time he had the opportunity to do this. A freedom descended over him. He could go anywhere without someone stopping him and asking for an autograph. Years gone by he longed for the attention of fans, but as he gained fame and became older, he wanted his solitude. He finally knew the thoughts and feelings of ordinary people. I may get use to this type of life, he thought.

Phillip purchased a ticket for another trolley in the nearby bar. He rode looking around like a baby, seeing things for the first time. Finally, he stopped and leaped off in the middle of the Piazza. He needed to get directions, so he spied a woman that could be American or a well-dressed Italian.

Approaching the woman and a child, he said, "Scooze," in his bogus Italian. These were the only words he knew and he prayed she spoke English. He gestured trying to get the woman's attention. As she turned, she looked directly into Phillip's eyes.

"Yes"

"I know you, you are Sydney Benning."

"And you are Phillip Cross, how could I forget."

"I'm sure I will never forget that night. I still have nightmares about you." They both began to laugh.

"I hope you're not having those nightmares any longer."

"As a matter of fact, they have now turned into dreams, and one of them has now come true."

"And which one is that?"

"The one where I can meet you again and you are alone."

"As you can see, I 'm not alone. I have my son with me."

"I mean there is no Danny McCloud around. I'm no longer connected to Danny, I mean not me."

"You are connected because your child is Danny's son."

"How did you know that?"

"Why don't you have lunch with me, and I'll tell you how I know."

"O.K., over here is a great restaurant." Phillip, Sydney, and Sean sat and ate. Sean enjoyed Phillip's company and Phillip genuinely liked Sean.

"You asked me how I knew about Sean, well Danny told everyone about his son. He appeared to be on a mission to let everyone know that he had someone he could call his own. Everywhere he goes he talks about this son, no one sees him, but everyone knows about him. He talked about you incessantly, people thought he was taking too many drugs and that he was having delusions. No one saw you, well until that night."

"I apologize for that night."

"You don't have to, you didn't do anything, besides, I would never have known you, and I'm delighted it happened."

Sydney and Phillip talked and walked around the city like two lovers meeting after a long absence.

"Where are you staying Sydney?" Phillip inquired, knowing the answer to his question.

"I live in Lake Maggiore."

"So do I," was Phillip's disingenuous statement.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes I just bought a home near the water. I guess we will see a lot of each other.

We may be the only English speaking people in the area."

"I guess so. There appear to be a great many Germans who visit regularly."

"It's probably because it's at the foot of the Alps."

"Maybe so," Sydney said pretending she knew much more that she did. When in fact this was the first time in her life, she visited Europe.

"Can I see you and Sean home?"

"I don't think that would be a good idea. I'm worried about Sean. He thought Robert was his father, and finally I had to tell him the truth. I made mistakes and I'm trying to correct them. I accrued debts in my life, now I'm paying."

At that moment, Sydney rushed from the table holding her hand to her mouth. Phillip looked on and holding Sean's hand and telling him that his mama is coming back. After leaving the restroom, Sydney returned to Phillip and Sean with a smile.

"Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"No I'll be alright, it's nothing."

"What do you mean," asked Phillip, pulling her seat out and helping her sit. He wished Sydney would tell him. Yet she did not.

"I'll have to go," she said taking Sean's hand and leading him in the direction of the door.

Phillip stood and escorted them to the café door, watched as they walked through the door, and turn the corner. He ordered himself a glass of red wine.

Sydney now twenty eight glowed with confidence and ripe beauty. Her beauty resembled a full-grown rose, which at its peak displayed sheer vitality. Sydney was at the beginning of her life. She learned how to love and be loved, how to live and appreciate living. Phillip hoped he would be the beneficiary of all her maturity.

The next day Phillip sent Sydney a basket of flowers, and informed her that he had to fly to the U. S. because of urgent business. The card on the basket read:

Dearest Sydney,

I apologize for breaking our date, but it is urgent that I return to the U.S. I will make it up to you the next time I see you. I've lost my head over you.

Your obedient admirer,

– Phillip Cross

Phillip received a phone call earlier from his private investigator informing him of Robert Farrell's plans for Sydney. Robert distraught and angry with Sydney leaving him blamed Danny. His beliefs led Robert to fly to L.A. to confront Danny, who had just returned home from rehab.

A fistfight ensued with Danny, and Robert lay on Danny's lawn with a concussion. Someone called the police, where Danny sat jailed for a couple of nights. Robert sued Danny, and Danny is suing Robert. Danny returned for a few more months of rehab.

Phillip's flight left Milan early Monday morning arriving twelve hours later into Newark and then to Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston, where a car was waiting.

Phillip planned a Texas size showdown. He wanted Robert out of the way. Danny was out of the picture, and he wouldn't be satisfied until he said, "good ridden" to Robert.

Chapter 19

Face to Face-Robert and Phillip

Phillip arrived at the office building of Galaxy Oil, where security guards checked him. Phillip didn't carry weapons—his weapons were his wit, money, brains, and good looks.

The last person Robert would expect to see is Phillip. He didn't know him personally, but he did know him from seeing him in movies.

Phillip knew from reliable sources that Robert's time consisted of cleaning up the mess he and his cohorts caused. Chaos permeated the building. A confident Phillip strode into the elevator and looked up at each numbered floor.

He stepped off at the tenth floor, Robert's office, which was close to the elevator. That was an unexpected convenience for Phillip. Phillip stuck his head into the office, and Robert inadvertently invited him in.

Robert turned to see a tanned handsome man with short curly black and gray hair, who appeared to be someone he knew. It suddenly came to him that he was a movie star, however, Robert didn't let on that he knew who was standing in front of him.

"Excuse me but I'm not aware that I had an appointment with you."

"I'm sorry but my name is Phillip Cross."

"Where have I heard that name?" He said not making a connection with the name but with the face.

"I'm a friend of Sydney Benning."

Robert took a long look at Phillip as if Phillip was not there. The stare was a lifetime. He stood still, and then he walked around to his desk and sat. "What do you want? I have no time for you and I have nothing to discuss with you concerning Sydney. She's my business and that doesn't concern you," he said nervously.

"She's my business now, because I intend to marry her."

"What? Who the fuck do you think you are?"

"Why, Phillip Cross. Did you hear me the first time?" Phillip said as a wicked smiled broke across his face.

Robert's anger added to the disturbed look that plastered his tired face. The crow's feet living in the corner of his eyes, showed the strain of his problems. An attractive man, yet the strain of losing Sydney, and the possibility of jail, rendered him powerless, and the lines settled over his face and found a home in every weak spot.

Phillip knew the strain Robert felt, and he planned to exploit every moment. He planned to add more weight on Robert's unbalanced scale.

"I understand that she can't marry until she gets a divorce in the state of Texas. She has been living with me and I have introduced her as my wife and I adopted her son, therefore, she will have to divorce me if you intend to marry her," he said as he smiled smugly to counteract the blitz.

"Not if you're in prison," Phillip said as he walked to the right of Robert's mahogany desk, and sat in the large black leather chair.

"I want you out of here now!" Robert shouted feeling the pressure.

Phillip hit Robert's Achilles heel. Phillip knew in his circle he was the Alpha male and Robert the top dog in his arena, but now Phillip would be the top dog in this dogfight. Phillip didn't intend to lose, and if he did, watch out.

"This is what I want," Phillip stated. "I want you to drop charges against Sydney. You know you were being a bastard when you file charges on her for taking her son out of the country."

"Suppose I don't?"

"Well, if you don't, then, I'm sure besides having those indictments for fraud you will be looking at much more." Phillip got up from the leather chair with a smirk on his face, and walked casually out the door, got a cab to Bush Intercontinental airport, and flew to L.A. jet lag and all.

Phillip thought his day had been constructive, yet he wondered whether it would make a difference. Laying a foundation for his marriage to Sydney is worth it, he thought. He fashioned himself to be her knight. His feelings overtook him and gave him an excitement he didn't have the tools to describe.

Returning home, Phillip walked into his elaborate mansion feeling tired, but confident about his threats to Robert. He knew Robert wouldn't be in any position to counter any attack he might levy on him. That thought brought a smile on his face, a smile of satisfaction at all he had accomplished. He never felt that fulfilled before.

Looking around before setting his bags down, he realized how cold and uninviting the marble floors and his home had become. The paintings that hung throughout the halls of his enormous house he called a home, waited for a passerby to make a comment, but all Phillip could do was shake his head. That was a sign of "What was I thinking?"

There were no revealing stories that told of how the house was no longer a home, except that it was empty of children, and a wife. He began to wonder why he no longer felt about his home the way he once did—a place to satisfy his craving for sex and only that. He had no desires for female companionship on a daily basis. Now he always had each woman leave after one night. He never allowed them to get too comfortable. More than one night would send the wrong message.

All of the thinking and feeling of dissatisfaction originated with Sydney. His feelings concerning Sydney had taken a life of its own, and propelled him into a world that was foreign to him. That world yearns for children, a wife, and someone to love—these were distant and alien feelings that had never had cause to enter Phillips occupied space of selfishness.

Phillip overcome by a need felt the need grow worse. It had been only a few days since he last saw Sydney. Phillip never wanted to be in need of anything or anyone. He had been empty of caring and giving to anyone since he was a child. He began work as a child and hated every moment of it. He was the breadwinner in his family, and the pressure from working so young, almost made him suicidal.

The care of a psychologist helped Phillip cope with his stardom, and the loss of his parents when he was a teenager. Phillip thought if he didn't feel emotions, pain would pass him by. Now all that was a joke, because the feelings he thought were cold and dormant came back with vigor.

Surprisingly he wanted the warmth of Sydney, because he wanted to set his life on a different path. The only thing he knew to do was to construct it. He sat on his oversized king bed and stared at the phone. He reached for the phone to call Sydney and remembered he lost her number. He yearned to hear her voice, he yearned to hear her laugh, and he yearned to see her.

"Hello Jonnie," Phillip said, feverishly tapping the eraser of a pencil on his office desk, then walking and pacing with his phone on conference.

"Yes Phillip."

"Get me a flight to Milan."

"I thought you were calling from Milan."

"No I'm in L.A."

"I want to be on a flight to Milan by noon."

"O.K. Mr. Cross," Jonnie, Phillip's manager knew when Phillip wanted something, he didn't take no. Getting him to Milan was her focus or she would lose her job. She worked for him since they first met ten years ago, became lovers, friends, and then his manager after she married a friend of his.

Phillip found himself on another flight. Jet lag had finally taken hold. He slept through the entire flight, not waking for food. He arrived in Milan, a driver ferried him home. He was still dazed.

When Phillip arrived at his home in Lake Maggiore, surprisingly he could not sleep. He longed to see Sydney and he couldn't wait to give her the news about Robert.

He found her phone number where he dropped it near his bed when he last dressed. He dialed the number.

* * * *

Sydney slept easy and deep since she no longer feared Robert's reaches. When the phone rang, she carelessly answered.

"Sydney..."

"Yes Danny, what do you want?"

Phillip didn't let that affect him. A man oblivious to rejections, refused to allow anything trivial to get in the way of what he wanted to achieve. He was an actor. He knew how to respond to rejection. He wanted that women. He wanted her for the right reasons. He wanted her because he needed her. He became positive that he knew how to make her forget Danny, and he was going to try.

"This is Phillip Cross. I have some very important news for you."

"I'm sorry Phillip, but I'm waking out of a deep sleep.

"I have news that will change your life," Phillip continued.

Sydney waited to hear words about Danny. "I saw the man you know as Robert Farrell. I discovered that he had extradition papers to have you and Sean returned to Texas."

"Oh no Phillip!"

"Wait Sydney, before you get upset, I found out that Robert has several indictments waiting. I confronted him and he agreed to leave you alone, and give you full custody of Sean."

"How did you do that Phillip, and why would you do that for me?"

"Don't ask any questions, just call me your knight in shining armor, and have dinner with me tomorrow."

Sydney couldn't refuse Phillip, because he had managed to perform a feat that she nor Danny could manage. Her gratitude was boundless. Phillip hung the phone up, and happiness overcame him. Phillip's heart beat loudly. Sydney now haunted his every thought. He finally found the ease and calm to sleep.

Phillip woke early the next morning and made reservations for a dinner. He couldn't wait. It had been years since he felt alive. His thoughts of the night guided his day, and that is how he was able to make it through one more hour.

He thought about Sydney's child. He considered being a father to her children. Maybe it was the mother and the beautiful little son that he would never have that softened his heart.

After much soul searching, he knew what he wanted and had to do. He would ask Sydney to marry him. He wouldn't stand in the way of Danny knowing his children. His mind was at peace, he never made decisions that quickly in his life about any woman.

Phillip would test women he dated. Then after he was sure she would put up with his bullshit, and pass his test, her placed became the top of his dating ladder. The test wasn't rigorous, all a woman had to do was understand that she was not the only woman in his life, and that was that.

Sydney agreed to meet Phillip at seven that evening. Twilight set in and the day was a cool pleasing explosion of color. The sky was clear and the water was blue and refreshing, as Phillip sat in the open air, waiting for Sydney. The minute Sydney walked in Phillip's direction, he rose like a gentleman.

He never experienced that part of his life before, but it seemed appropriate for a woman he wanted more than life itself. She wore a yellow silk linen dress that showed her small waist and wonderful slim legs. Phillip knew she was stunning, however, he didn't realize just how beautiful she is, until the sun hit her hair and brown eyes and caused a disturbance in his body. He walked and pulled the chair out. She slid effortless into it. He was in awe at her beauty and poise.

"Can I order you a glass of wine?"

"Yes, that would be great."

Phillip ordered a bottle of their finest wine, and then proceeded to order the dinner. He looked at Sydney, and she became very unsteady because of his long gaze.

"Is something wrong Phillip? I didn't get a chance to express exactly how much it meant to me to have that matter taken care of. I tried for years, and you did it in one day. I'm not going to ask how you did it, I'm just so grateful."

"I thought he was such a bastard. How could he do something like that to you and Sean? You two don't deserve a life like that. I knew he caused you misery."

"Robert called my lawyer and said that he was relinquishing any hold over Sean and I, and I can have the adoption cancelled. I informed my lawyer to do just that."

Phillip found the nerves to ask Sydney to marry him after two months of dating. She felt safe with him and he didn't take back his proposal once he found out she was having another child for Danny.

Sydney didn't make the mistake she made with Robert. No, there were always different mistakes to be made in a lifetime. If she made a mistake, it would be a different sort. Therefore, she agreed to marry Phillip.

* * * *

Sydney and Phillip's Honeymoon

Phillip and I married in Milan and we drove to our honeymoon destination in San Marino, Italy, located on Mount Titano, overlooking the Adriatic Sea. The exhilarating drive, the fresh air, and what could be better than that in the middle of June, I thought.

The car climbed straight up the winding and narrow road to a scenic hotel in the center of the city. We parked and walked into the quaint hotel with its eclectic furniture.

The room decorated in white, calmed me. I opened the window, then the shutters, and there in an outside room a band played. Cars parked, people walked and stood to listen to the band. It played, "Torna A Surriento." I never got that tune out of my head. Phillip smiled at me, then took my hand held it to his lips and kissed my hand softly. I then kissed him, wondering how such an alliance could exist between two unlikely people.

We showered, dressed, and ate, then took a walk. Phillip patiently waited without discussion of sex. We discovered a one-way street that led to a view of the Adriatic Sea.

I walked to the end of a large wall, where beautiful sculptures stood hidden. I longingly peered out across the Sea, and for a brief moment thought of Danny. I didn't like that I still thought of Danny, because I wanted to be free to enjoy the day, and my husband. That day belonged to Phillip. I grabbed Phillip's hand and brought him to me. His look reached into my eyes, and touched me. He smiled with sincerity and tenderness. I never experienced love and peace, until now.

At that moment, I thought about how lucky I have been to find such wonderful men.

Phillip put his arms around me and led me back to the hotel. He looked at me, took off his jacket, and then put it on my shoulders to shield me from the cool night air.

He stopped, turned, and said, "I want to shield you from everything that could make you sad. I knew that he meant what he said. We reached the hotel, walked up the steps, and found our room. He closed the door and stood still as if he could see through to my heart.

Phillip unbuttoned my blouse as I froze. He kissed my shoulder. He embraced my breast that showed signs of a new pregnancy. My breast stood full, tender, and ripe. His eyes danced as he leaned forward and gently kissed my nipples.

"My beautiful wife," he exclaimed.

Strange words shook me and even stranger still, is the man I married—no one could believe it—Heather, Steven, Tracy, and not even Danny.

"I love you, I think I've loved you from the day I met you," Phillip stated as he caressed my body.

"I have so much love for you Phillip."

Phillip stopped, "I wanted to hear that from you, and I know you would never say it unless you felt it."

I did love Phillip, but not the same love I reserved for Danny.

Phillip and I playfully continued undressing each other. The feel of disrobing my husband excited me again. Phillip, a great lover, knew how to love a woman. He had years of learning what women really wanted. I knew he liked making love to women. He liked women, and with sex, he didn't need any lessons.

He learned at an early age to please himself, but now he was eager to please me.

He began to love me. He kissed my stomach and then my thighs. His kiss was soft and his moan of pleasure excited me, and he took control of my body.

He finally broke through the wall that Danny erected. A wall guarded by me, where I stood as the gatekeeper and keeper of the key— key to my heart and sexual life. Phillip finally crossed the threshold to my life as if he were crossing a moat before storming the castle.

I let go of all thoughts clouding my mind and became responsive to Phillip. I gave Phillip the love I held in my body for Danny. My love was warm and seductive as I climbed on top of Phillip. I looked him in the eyes as I took his penis and encircled it with my tongue, then slowly using my hand and mouth to arouse him. As he became hard as a rock, I eased my body up and guided his penis into me as I French kissed him. Nothing could rival the magnetism that attracted my body to his, as I completed my deliberate rousing sexual intercourse.

It had been years since I allowed myself the freedom of loving another man. My heart sat full, I couldn't find room in my heart for anyone except Danny. Now, Phillip set my heart free. Free to be loved, free to love again!

* * * *

Danny Leaves Rehab

Danny spent almost a year in rehab. He couldn't wait to get out even though Max was convinced he should remain longer. Danny was pissed at Sydney for lying to him, but after he looked back at the destruction to his life, his happiness and peace returned.

He knew the present would be different. The time he spent in that hellhole in the desert helped him to think. Now it was time to face the world and reality.

As Danny lumbered down the stairs to the lobby, he spied a female form he recognized. There stood Page. Danny misread Page's intentions as he had done in the past. Page running from her failed attempt to get Anthony back, chose Danny to dupe once more. She thought Danny would stay a sap, and she could seduce him again with lies and drugs.

Danny hated being alone. He did not want to be alone, eat alone, sleep alone, or live alone.

Page ran to Danny and gave him a big hug with a small kiss. Danny sober could feel what he had not felt before from Page—a cold heart. Page's heart beat for only Anthony. Danny was able to recognize it for the first time—a cold gratuitous kiss, masquerading as something warm.

He stared at her for a moment, because the kiss jarred his senses. His lips could feel the lies her heart hid. Because Danny is off the drugs, his senses became acute. He felt her lies beyond any doubt. He touched her hands, but he couldn't feel the electricity that ran through his body when Sydney put her hands on him.

When he last saw Sydney, she slapped his face, yet it bristled with love and revulsion. She made love to him and the warmth scorched his soul. At least there was some heat in Sydney's slap, some semblance of feelings, but there was nothing from the kiss from Page, and he knew it this time!

Danny didn't know what to make of his new awareness. Danny's animal instincts heighten his sense of smell, taste and hearing, which gave him a new life. His senses had become extreme since he no longer bombarded his body with drugs and pills. He ran out of his search for the next great high. The next one may have killed him if Sydney had not intervened.

His eyes are clear that he appeared much younger than his 23 years. His looks took on a new essence. His face evolved into an extraordinary handsome young man. Danny's hair had grown longer, and his hair graced his smooth face in the form of a beard. His voice was strong and calm and Page saw all of this. Page wanted her old Danny back the way she knew him. She saw herself losing him, and she could not stand another loss. She realized once the Jennie was out of the bottle, it would be difficult putting it back. She didn't know what to do, so she fell back on her old tricks.

As they drove through Arizona desert, Page pulled over to a store. It was a place where an assortment of characters frequent on their bus ride to L.A. She stepped out of the car dressed in tight jeans, high heels, and a spaghetti strap blouse.

"I'm going to get me a drink, want something?"

"What do you want with a drink this early in the morning?" Danny said a bit confused.

"You never asked me that before, come on lighten up. I've never seen you this serious before."

"You know I can't drink."

"I thought you couldn't take drugs."

"Drinking was my drug of choice," Danny explained without elaborating.

"Well I never said I would stop, where is all the fun? I can't stand this shit." Page continued to talk to herself as she entered the store."

Even if Page did not see it, Danny knew his time with her had ended. It was obvious to him on all levels. He was no longer under the clutches of alcohol and drugs, and Page's allure had faded a long time ago. Their lovemaking based on need, involved his sexual desire, then the thoughts of "let's get this over with." That was the extent of how much they cared for each other. It was casual sex with causal lovers.

Page walked out with bottles of beer, and did not appear to be pleased. However, she remembers stashing a pint of liquor under the seat of the car.

She bent down and put her hand in the back seat, and came up with a package. She sat and drank most of it, as Danny looked on. He felt a sadness looking at her. He saw himself in her and did not like it. She is a beautiful young woman who has lost her way, but she wasn't looking for a way back. She liked her addiction.

"I'm going to drive," Danny announced. Page didn't object, she agreed because she had been despondent over Anthony. Celian Dion's song, "The Color of My Love" was playing, and all Danny could hear was the ending, "devoted love until we die." Those words shot through both their souls and warmed their hearts for their lovers, but not for each other.

Danny and Page looked at one another and knew they could never want the same things that they saw in each other before, because they were not the same people. Danny is not the heartbroken young fool he once was. Even Page had graduated. She was now a drunken drugged out callous woman who refused to change, she liked herself that way—the way Anthony wanted.

Page's thoughts were on Anthony, she had to get back to him before she lost him completely. Her mind focused on ditching Danny and returning to New York as soon as she arrived in L.A.

Anthony rejected her for another woman, but he would not rid himself of her just like that. She didn't put up a fight for him because she thought she could run to Danny. Page would give Anthony time to get over the bitch.

The long boring ride through the desert appeared to be worth Page's time, viewing the sun climb from behind the mountains, and the burst of colors of orange and yellow caused a feeling of ecstasy. She thought it would be wonderful to see this with Anthony

Page saw Danny as nothing more than a mark. She couldn't see the beauty of his soft kind spirit. She couldn't see that if she had shown him a little love instead of sex and drugs, Danny would have been hers for the taking.

Page could look into his eyes and not see the green pools of warmth. That was not what turned Page on. She couldn't understand kindness, she wanted to be treated the way Anthony treated her—tough and nasty, that's what she understood, that's what she lived for.

Sydney saw something different in Danny. A sensitive, handsome, beautiful young man, who wanted marriage and children in his life, yet he had nothing. He wanted a family. He wanted what he never had—a woman's love and devotion!

His mind wrapped around those thoughts, and the only person he could ever visualize as his wife was Sydney. She was the only woman he saw in his dreams that satisfied him. She is the mother of his child. Sydney appeared to show all indications that she preferred someone else. There was nothing else for him to think. Nothing. His thoughts surrounded him like a cage.

Suddenly, Danny found what was missing in his life, his freedom. He freed himself of drugs and now he had the freedom to love again—he knew it in his soul. The warmth of his heart signaled that the animosity for Sydney was gone, and a wave of cold air calmed him.

* * * *

Page dropped Danny off and barely said goodbye. She was long gone and the drugs left with her. Danny heard of Sydney's marriage to Phillip, but he didn't allow that to affect the calm he enjoyed for once. He was preparing himself for fatherhood, marriage, and the woman he could welcome into his warm heart. He was a young man, and his once cold body, now hot as the mid-day sun.

Danny woke up in his bed to the music of Sheryl Crow, "I Am Leaving Las Vegas, and I Won't Be Back." His mind did not drown him in the thoughts of the last four years. It's only a song, he thought.

It was as if the heaven parted and released him and he took a freefall back to earth. His mind was free, his body was free. It had been a year since he had felt as if the chains and bondage of his mind, body, and spirit released him. When he heard that Sydney and Phillip were married, he felt relieved. It took a long time, but he no longer thought of Sydney. He only thought of his son. He became himself again. He developed confidence. He worked hard on the many jobs that came his way, and Phillip turned down work, because of his marriage to Sydney.

Chapter 20

Robert Farrell

Robert a man born and raised in the town of Beaumont, Texas, which is about ninety miles from Houston, educated in public and private schools, and attended college in Texas, graduated with honors from Texas A and M with a law degree.

A true Texas Longhorn, he could work and party with the best of them. He garnered as much respect for his athleticism as his brains. Nevertheless, he became a lawyer, and commanded a hefty salary once the big oil companies came courting.

For Robert a lifetime slipped by since then, now Robert sat in his office in a home he bought for Sydney, another empty home. This time it was vacant not because of the absence of furniture, but of the absence of Sydney and Sean. The laughter died, and anger, resentment, jealousy replaced it.

Robert made too many mistakes and now he had to pay the cost. Because of lust, greed, and ill-gotten gains, he sat, thought, and sobbed. His lose became unbearable, everything he worked his life for—money, prestige, his job, all gone. He could list his mistakes, starting with Sydney, then pride, then his soul. He lost that the day he accepted the job at Galaxy Oil.

It was the loss of Sydney and Sean that was the deepest cut and caused his soul to weep. He had been a whole man when Sydney was in his life. He knew she didn't love him, but he thought she could eventually, in time. However, there appeared to be not enough time for him to correct some of his mistakes.

Sitting in his comfortable leather chair in his home office, Robert aimlessly peered out the window. He stared into nothingness, hours passed before his mind engaged his thoughts. He looked into the water of the pool and beyond that into the Gulf of Mexico.

He remembered Sean swam in that pool and he turned and thought he saw Sydney sitting under the palm tree. The palms swayed from the breeze of the Gulf, and he envisioned Sydney lying in a pool chair taking sun and reading—he began to smile. She was there most afternoons until the arrival of Danny.

The thought of Danny disturbed his dreams so he concentrated on the morning dew, and the smell of grass from a mowed lawn. The smell of grass gave reality to life, and separated the illusions. He no longer smelled the fresh alluring scent of Sydney and the lust that he had for her. The smell of fear surrounded the air and chocked his feelings, smothering his desires and dreams, clearing his head with the aroma of seawater.

The summer storm passing increased his longing for what was lost in his life. Robert now a broken man, sat longing for what was never to be. It was Danny's child and Danny's woman. His whole life was a lie. Losing his job, he faced twenty years in prison.

He sat and thought how he could get out of this mess. There is no way out. He acquired everything easy, a job at a prestigious firm, a woman, and a child. The things he obtained so easy proved so hard to keep.

As Robert looked around for someone to save him, he knew it was impossible. Twenty years in federal prison with no chance for parole for ten counts of fraud, he exhaled, head jerking and arms trembling. "How did I get here?"

He could not fathom when and how he created this quagmire. Galaxy Oil created Robert's identity, and Galaxy Oil was where he lost it.

Robert the lead lawyer in the division of a large oil company in Houston began to create a fortune. No bells rang when the chief officer offered him a sign in bonus of four hundred thousand dollars, and a salary of three hundred and fifty thousand dollars with another bonus of a hundred thousand the first year. Seven years passed and now his salary was over ten million dollars.

It was a greedy wife, who caused him to commit to this company, even when he knew something was amiss. Robert's wife, whom he met in college, the most popular young woman at Texas A and M, a beauty with cool blue eyes, and dyed blond hair, caused him to sell his soul.

The rich and the famous young men wanted her, but she settled for Robert, as she harped repeatedly until he felt he could strangle her.

Just as he began to engage in illegal deals to buy her all the things she wanted and the social circles she had a passion to belong to, she left him for his next-door neighbor.

Sydney told him to get out and do it quickly, but because of his resentment of Danny, he would not listen. Now he is wondering where Sydney is and if she would be back. He knew the answer—she would not. He begged Sydney to come back to him but she refused. Not because of ingratitude, Robert knew too well it was because of his cold-hearted approach to her regarding her son.

Robert only knew one way to love and that was controlling, stifling, take no prisoners kind of love. He was a smart executive, sometimes brilliant, sometimes stupid.

He lacked what it took to keep a woman, he thought. Now he had lost two beautiful women. Robert once negotiated a half billion dollar deal, now he was being investigated for those deals, and all he could think of was the night he finally convinced Sydney that he could be the right man if only she would consent to him making love to her.

To Robert that was his greatest achievement. Not all the business deals in the world meant anything to him, only that night that he could love Sydney. He smiled as he remembered every moment of that night, because it was his only accomplishment that mattered. His thoughts strayed.

"Sydney I know you are an attentive mother, but you haven't had any time to rest. Let me take you to dinner and give you a break. What do you say?"

Sydney thought for a moment, she was exhausted and needed to feel beautiful again.

"I think I will take you up on that offer," she smiled and Robert's heart went in overdrive. "I'll be ready in an hour," Sydney walked into the bedroom.

She walked out of the bedroom dressed in a yellow silk strapless dress. Robert's mouth salivated from the sight.

Robert surprised Sydney by taking her to the restaurant where they first met. They sat at the same table, because Robert wanted to remind Sydney of happier carefree times. They may have been carefree for Robert, however, he did not realize that these were the most stressful and unhappy times in Sydney's life.

Robert reached for Sydney's hand and Sydney flinched as she reluctantly placed her small hand inside of Robert's robust hands. He looked her in the eyes and decided that this was the best time to tell her.

"Sydney, I know that you are under a lot of pressure, but I want you to know that I will stand by you no matter what happens."

"I know you will Robert. You have done so much for Sean and I, and I appreciate everything."

"I want to be more than a friend I want to be your husband."

"I don't know what to say, but I can't give you an answer now. I'm too confused, I need time to think."

"Take all the time you want," Robert said, knowing he wanted an answer soon. He tried not to show his disappointment. He would try again later.

Robert and Sydney to the outside world appeared to be happy; they even found time for laughter and discussions. After dinner and wine, Robert suggested a ride in his convertible Mercedes, where he drove to Galveston and up a circular driveway to a waterfront home, surrounded by colorful bougainvilleas. Surprised by Robert's generosity, Sydney kissed him and hugged his body, which for Robert was extreme pleasure.

Now he sits alone in this home, and it's killing him with memories.

He didn't heed the signs in his marriage, he didn't heed the signs in his business dealings, and he didn't speak out when he saw bad investments. He didn't quit when his boss requested he sign off on a deal that he knew to be fraudulent. He didn't speak out when he knew his wife was unfaithful.

He sat peering at the simplicity of nature. Birds stopping to drink water from the beautiful fountain overlooking his expensive pool and its setting, above the Gulf of Mexico—a playground for the rich and not so famous who take advantage of its waters through boating, swimming, and water skiing.

He watched the cheers and smiles of the boaters as they sped past his home with nothing but their colorless pleasures and thoughts. His thoughts were full, so full they could fill an ocean, and there would still be room to fill another.

Robert downed his empty feelings with full glasses of wine to ease his loneness and loss. He is a torn man that can't put himself back together.

A letter arrived early that morning stating what he knew all along—that he should expect indictment. Federal prosecution was imminent because of the problems at Galaxy Oil. A decision on whether to make a plea bargain and turn over fifty million dollars and get ten years in prison, or go to trial with a possibility of getting twenty years. Either alternative was a death sentence to him.

As Robert sat and thought, he realized his life was too empty to be full. He stared at the water and saw its calmness and peace. He walked closer; he could see over the wall and see his future.

The courts made him surrender his passport. He had to post a million dollars bond. He hid his assets by putting fifty million in trust for Sydney and Sean in Switzerland.

His future is as dark and dank as the hole he placed himself into. His legs shook and he stumbled to the wall separating the Gulf from his pool. Looking into the trance of the water, he saw no image of himself, he saw Sydney's smile and warmth and Sean calling him—daddy.

He found the warmth of his body, he found the warmth of his heart, and he jumped into the cold water!

Chapter 21

Back in New York—Crazy Love

Anthony arrived in New York after living in L.A. for six months. He neglected everything to watch Page and Danny. This jealousy was new and he couldn't afford it again, however, his desire for Page had reached fever pitch, and the heat surrounding her made her irresistible. It was the thought of another man sexually abusing her that made her so desirable to him, where he could not think.

The possessive nature of Anthony became a sickness only those in love could explain, yet he couldn't recognize what had happen to his mind and body. If he desired a woman, he wasn't turned on to her until he found out that someone, man or woman desired her more. He drifted through painful violent behavior where he could not focus, or think straight, and that's why he became obsessed with Kesha, a Harlem beauty.

On returning from L.A., Anthony put his key into Kesha's apartment door. He once enjoyed her attention, even though Kesha knew Anthony and Page were an item. As he walked into the apartment, he smelled incense burning, and knew she was in bed. He strode into the room with a smile on his face and thoughts of a night of erotic sexual release.

He didn't walked far when he saw two figures in bed. Kesha lying naked on the covers, her smooth brown skin and large breast gave him a thrill whenever he nursed them. There sleeping calm next to her, and no doubt in a deep sleep, lay a dark skinned male whose skin had a dark brilliant hue.

The male appeared to be young and a bit handsome with a physic to match his youthful body with its predatory form—hard body, hard life.

The covers thrown violently on the floor showed remnants of serious lovemaking. Anthony recognized the signs because he had engaged in the same debauchery on many occasions. The feel of another body inhabiting the room, woke the two lovers.

"I was wondering when you were going to wake up. Don't you know homey you are in my bed and fucking my women?" He said holding his gun to the man's head.

"Shit Kesha you told me you were finished with him, and he wasn't coming back," the handsome dark brown skin man shouted. "Can I get up and get out?" Anthony gestured to him with a wave of the gun, to get going and now.

Kesha didn't say a word, as she looked up at Anthony hoping he didn't do anything stupid. "Get out and don't come back here unless you want me to shoot your ass," he stated as he follow the man to the door.

The young man left with only his pants and shoes, he didn't want to spend any time explaining, or waiting to see if Anthony would beat Kesha senseless. Anthony controlled his emotions and his urges. He stood looking at Kesha's naked body and all his anger faded, and his pent up emotions took over. The thought of her having a man in his bed ignited the passion and caused him to drool with sexual anticipation. Kesha peered at Anthony with her mouth opened.

"I'm sorry Anthony, I thought you left me and wasn't coming back. I was trying to get these drugs sold and pay for this apartment."

"I don't want to talk about it Kesha, just do me," he said pointing to his erection.

He stripped his clothes off and grabbed Kesha. He turned her on her stomach and thrust his penis into the first cavity he could locate. He told her he was going to punish her for giving his stuff away. He ravished her for an hour and when he finished he thought he was in love again.

Now he had two women he was trying to please, but he found himself crazy about Kesha.

Anthony brought Kesha to his club, and began introducing her as his main woman. When Page found out about the rumors, she dismissed them as just gossip. Anthony not seeing Page in months became caught up with Kesha, because he didn't want anyone to have her.

His jealousy of Kesha surprised him. He waited for her and drove her from place to place. He didn't want anyone to speak to her, or for her to have friends. He isolated her from her mother and sisters. Anthony brought her to the club every night to keep an eye on her. Kesha worked behind the bar, controlled the receipts and computer that Anthony once reserved for only him.

Kesha stole his money, but Anthony too consumed with the heated sex, which Kesha provided by accident, would not believe it when they told him. He just fired them and continued to be a fool in love, a fool that wasn't use to being in love.

He thought he had love for Page, but soon dismissed that as passion, he knew his love for Kesha was real. He wanted what she had to offer every minute of the day whenever he laid eyes on her. He knew his feelings weren't deceiving him.

Anthony, obligated to pick Page up from LaGuardia airport, dismissed her because he was now into Kesha, he was seriously into her.

Page waited for Anthony's car but it never came.

When Page walked through the door of The Red Carpet with her bags in her hands, she saw him kissing a woman. He turned in shock.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Page stated angrily.

Anthony moved away from Kesha and never moved in Page's direction.

"Who is this Anthony?" Page demanded.

Anthony stood and looked at Kesha, "This is Page, I told you about her."

"Yea, but you didn't tell me about Kee Sha," Page said with a disinterested look on her pale and empty face.

"He didn't have to tell you about me bitch. Action speaks louder than words."

"Look Anthony I'm leaving." Kesha sauntered between Anthony and Page. Anthony caught Kesha's arm and she jerked it from his grasp.

Page saw how Kesha had pushed Anthony out of the way without him saying a word. She knew she was in big trouble. She realized that she had lost her man because of the time spent with Danny, and now he was being a pussy for a bitch in Harlem, she thought.

Page down and out for the count tried to find a way to get up and back into the game. He had his issues, a womanizer, a flirt, but she wanted this man, not Danny. Besides, Danny loved another woman and would always love Sydney. She thought Anthony was hers after what she did for him. She did everything that he wanted, seduced Danny, and took his money and got connections in Hollywood.

Now he's catering to another woman the way he never catered to her, and she didn't like it.

"I stayed with Danny to help you and I come back to New York to find you with that!"

"You were gone so long I thought you wanted him and not me," Anthony said.

"You are a liar. Do you think I'm stupid? I didn't hear from you for months. I guess you found someone to fuck when you weren't fucking me."

"I guess you found someone yourself," he said walking away to find Kesha.

"Don't you fucking lay that one on me you little bastard," Page said walking behind him.

Anthony turned, "Look Page, I don't have time to stand her and fight with you, I have to take care of my business."

"Now your business is keeping that bitch happy."

"I guess you could say that."

Anthony walked out the door and took a cab to Kesha's apartment. Page couldn't believe what was happening to her. Anthony left her, and now Danny is sober and gone.

Page studied the last month, and how she dropped Danny to run to Anthony. She couldn't picture her life with anyone but Anthony.

She decided to give him room, and he would come around, she thought. She went to a friend's apartment and waited and waited. He never called.

It was a Saturday night and she returned to the Red Carpet to see him. When she walked into the club, the chill was in the air. Once friendly associates, refused to speak to her after she gave a warm greeting. Kesha sat at the bar with her back turned facing it and Anthony standing facing Kesha, holding her hand and both laughing. An angry Page began tapping on the bar, and tapping on Anthony's back, she said, "Anthony I've got to speak to you in private."

"Anthony's not going to talk to you in private," Kesha stated with confidence.

"She's speaking for you now Anthony? I didn't know you had turned into a bitch since the last time I saw you."

Anthony turned with a hard look and a wrinkled brow, "I'll see you upstairs."

He walked behind Page up to the place where she enjoyed many nights of lovemaking and heated sexual passion. He grabbed her by the arms, "What the fuck is wrong with you? Don't you ever do that to me again. Don't you ever say that to me in front of my woman and my workers."

"What did you say? Your women. Tell me I didn't hear that?" Her heart beat quickly and she held her breath.

"You heard me."

"So it's like that, well you better be sure that you don't want me. Don't you worry I'm getting the hell out of here, because I know who wants me and I'm going to him.

"Wait Page." All of a sudden, Anthony woke up and realized what he knew all along that he didn't want to lose Page. It was too late. Anthony always wanted what he thought another man appeared to have.

Page walked out on Anthony as he stood calling her name. Still confused, he didn't want to let go of Kesha, even as he was losing Page. In the middle of a dilemma, he couldn't decide which woman. He was still so hot for Kesha's body that it made him sick. On the other hand, there wasn't any lovemaking between him and Page for some time, and the hold she had on him transferred to Kesha.

Kesha, still seeing the rapper B. stupid, had to sneak around because Anthony cut her off from everyone, so she told anyone that would listen that she couldn't "breath." She liked the previous arrangements, where she enjoyed her privacy, and Anthony came for an occasional fuck. Now he was there all the time like a lovesick dog, and this was getting on her last nerve.

* * * *

Kesha arranged to see B this night, because she knew that Anthony was preoccupied at the club. Anthony's jealousy wore thin on everyone, especially Kesha. He accused her of some of the vilest things, because she wanted more time to herself. Kesha didn't understand what made Anthony tick, but Page did.

Things were getting out of hand with Anthony. B Stupid suggested killing Anthony and keeping all the drugs. Kesha confused, considered the idea, because Anthony's jealousy cost her freedom she once had, which was to pursue a career in the Rap world.

Kesha's reason for calling B stupid to her apartment was to discuss a plan to rid them of Anthony. B stupid came over in the snow and parked around the corner, not because he was afraid of Anthony, but because he couldn't find a space.

He and Kesha settled in and enjoyed the drugs Anthony stashed at Kesha's pad. They reasoned, all great plans had been hashed with a little drug to free the mind. However, they took a lot of drugs. They even discussed the benefits of drugs, and how creative people took drugs for inspiration. However, they didn't recite all the crazy fucked up things that occur when people consume drugs, and they were getting ready to get a lesson in how crazy and fucked up life can become with drugs as an inspiration.

Kesha began a plan to kill Anthony one cold winter night. She would lure him over to the apartment, then she and B would shoot him and dump his body in a landfill in Staten Island. Well it appears that the drugs did not help with creativity, and there would be no thinking out of the box tonight.

Their plan would be to take the drugs and sell them, and finance her career in the Rap world. It appeared clear-cut, yet, they had to work on it a bit before putting it into action.

Kesha would set him up by telling him that her rapper friend was bothering her about sex.

"B, I'm going to get Anthony over here and when he starts taking his clothes off, I'm going to reach under my pillow, get my gun, and shoot him. Then I want you to make sure he's dead. Shoot him again or whatever you have to do to kill him," Kesha stated with a smile.

"What about the noise."

"I forgot about the noise, then I have to stab him first. Then you put a pillow over his face and shoot him, that should take care of the noise," Kasha said with the coolness of a killer, after sucking down pills.

"I'm so sick of Anthony and his clinging ways that I can't stand another minute of his shit. It was ok as long as he was ape over Page, now I have to be bothered with him all the time, and he wants all kinds of sex, even anal sex. It makes me want to throw up."

"Then call him now and let's get this done," said B Stupid, too stupid to carry out anything without first asking someone's opinion. Kesha picked up the phone and made the call.

"Hello, let me speak to Anthony. "Who is this? What? No shit!" She hung up and stared long at B stupid.

"What? What?" B said, gesturing with his hands.

* * * *

An hour earlier—I want you back Anthony

Page left Anthony alone for a few weeks to come to his senses. She finally decided to see him. She knew Anthony liked her fresh and alluring, at least that is what he wanted before Kesha nudged her out of his life. Page catered to Anthony, selling drugs and sex to the highest bidder, letting her modeling jobs go. Without Anthony she had nothing but the streets.

Page tried on every dress and pair of pants she could, but nothing fit. She was a size four when she met Anthony, but now she was a size zero, and looked like a skeleton.

Her emaciated face appeared to be a death mask. Her eyes were sunken and lips were dried and peeling. Her skin had pot marks. What happen to her she wondered? She shook it off and she grabbed a bag that carried all her necessities for traveling late at night and rushed off.

Sunday night the club would be closed. Page would get a chance to see Anthony if Kesha wasn't there. Page hated being side lined with Anthony, especially since she had to stand by and watch another woman take him from her. Sadness, anger, and jealous crept into her soul. She made up her mind to fight for him. She knew that she could not return to Danny because he was finally seeing through her deceptions.

Page quickly hailed a cab. It had been raining and instead of the day being fresh, the air smelled of mold and garbage. It wasn't the cab that reeked of old smells, it was the air in the club of an old building, and it was the smell of a dying love.

She rang the bell and Anthony answered the door. He looked surprised when she walked in. Anthony and Page had seen each other many times with a state of attraction that pierced their body. Now there was nothing, and Page felt it. She wanted that back, she wanted that attraction they experienced from just their body reeking of sexual explosions. She felt the coldness of his body and heart. There was nothing in his eyes for her. His black and lifeless eyes were as if she was staring at a dead body.

"What, what do you want here Page? I thought you were in L.A. with Danny. You should have stayed there." Anthony's words cut into her.

"Why are you saying this Anthony? You know I did what I did for you."

"Look at you, you look terrible. You are so skinny, your ass is gone, your skirt has turned around, and the back is in the front. Look at you, there is nothing to you."

"Why are you talking to me like that? I love you. What do you want me to do? I'll do it."

"You know how it is, I just moved on," he said not skipping a beat, not showing any emotion.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this Anthony."

"How was it supposed to be Page? You look like shit, go home!"

"I need to talk to you," she begged as she came near reaching for him, and he moved away.

"I can't because I'm expecting a call from Kesha."

"You jump when that bitch calls. You use me and now you don't want me. I can make you want me again, give me a chance please?"

"Not anymore, get out of here," Anthony said as he turned his back on Page.

Page reached into her purse and pulled a 22 automatic, she had that gun since she was a teen living in the park; she used it to protect herself. Page held her breadth, looked at Anthony, a tear fell, and she shot him in his back.

He turned around and looking at her with the same intensity of feelings when they first met, and slumped to the floor. Page reached for Anthony and held him in her arms, as he lay dying, and then she put the gun to her head and pulled the trigger.

They finally found their ultimate thrill, that of dying together. It was like Romeo and Juliet she thought, as she released her last satisfying breath.

Chapter 22

A Night at the Oscars—Two Years after Page's Death

The Oscar buzz made its rounds in Hollywood like gossip from a jealous lover—vicious, persistent, and undeniable. Phillip and Danny both nominated for best actor in a motion picture. No doubt, someone thought of a way to enliven this year's ceremony.

The irony of life was stampeding to the finish line.

A tense day surrounded Phillip preparing for the awards. Dressing for opening nights was nothing new for Phillip, yet he appeared anxious. He invented the phrase cool, now he was sweating, and I knew why. He became nervous the day the media announced Danny's nomination, with the usual reference to Phillip, me, and Sean. He took everything Danny wanted in life and the last thing he could take from him would be the Oscar.

I looked in on Phillip shaving; he had a sticky note attached to the mirror, with something scrawled on it. There he stood swept away in his own world, practicing his speech.

"I'm getting dressed honey and I suggest you start," I said as I kissed him on his neck as I had done many times lately.

Phillip's loyalty to his designer had gone too far. He knew Phillip as a child and dressed him since then. However, I thought Phillip should go with one of the younger designers and change his style. His style was still too old Hollywood—the white shirt, bow tie, and classic tuxedo. Nevertheless, Phillip made his choice and was busy dressing. I on the other hand found this ritual tiresome. Dresses and jewelry from designers around the world sent for my inspection each time we went out anywhere. He was indeed old Hollywood. I have seen some of the younger actress dress in clothes I wouldn't give to my worst enemy, and the dresses cost a small fortune.

Nervousness retained for Phillip, caused me to realize that there was a possibility I would see Danny. I couldn't get out of my head how he begged me not to leave him. I dropped him in the desert and I haven't seen him since. Then I married Phillip and had children—Danny's. The scene where I left Danny in Las Vegas, California, and Arizona, and all the scenes thereafter, kept my mind busy. Now the curtain was rising again and there could be drama of a different kind and scope.

Two years since Page killed herself and her lover Anthony, two years since Robert died, two years since I last saw Danny!

Danny gave a press conference to explain his connection to Page. He stated how sad and sorrowful he felt to discover that his good friend was so disturbed, where she had resorted to taking her life.

Danny further emphasized that they were only friends. Some believed him, and the rest knew the whole sordid story. Reports connected Robert to me and me to Danny, where Danny stated that he wouldn't answer questions concerning his son's mother. I knew he wanted to protect me, yet people whispered and he pretended it never happened.

Maybe he lied to be able to live again. I know I did.

Phillip arranged for Danny to see Sean and since Danny thought the twins were Phillips, the two remained civil on and off. The twins were now one and walking. Phillip adored them and took fatherhood serious, I was lucky because all the men I met after Mike were good fathers, even Robert. When Robert committed suicide over the Galaxy Oil scandal, I was sad. The sadness for Robert lasted longer than I expected. He had so much promise. He had the misfortune of loving the wrong women.

"Sydney, the car is coming soon."

"Don't worry Phillip I'll be ready," I said putting on my lipstick and glancing into the mirror. "Are you wearing the dress I selected?"

Phillip purchased a beautiful dress from Oscar de la Renta, the gown was made just for me. The dress is yellow, my favorite color, and the diamond earrings were made for me as well. He paid more than two million dollars for them. I would have preferred to get them on loan.

I put on the diamond bracelet Danny gave me from one of his trips to Italy. Was I sending Danny a message?

I was being dishonest with Phillip, but the heart is fashioned to be indiscrete and full of lust. My dishonesty to Phillip was in thought, but never in body. I have been faithful to Phillip throughout our marriage. Phillip is an honest and caring man, and he showed me, and my children, more love than I could ever hope to obtain from most men.

However, I never gave Danny a chance to express the scope of his love.

"I'm ready Phillip," I walked into the room where Phillip was dressing and his eyes followed my body. He looked at my hair, eyes, lips, and his eyes settled on my breast.

"My God, you are beautiful, and I don't know if I want the world to see you. I can imagine the knives in my back after this night, or some poison in my drink, to get rid of me so they can have a chance at you.

"Come on Phillip, no one will notice me. You are the star and you are too handsome for words."

"Let's go sweetheart, the car is here," Phillip said as he grabbed my hand and holding it then kissing it lovingly.

"Sydney, you have made me what I am today—a happy content man, I'm nothing without you."

"You will always have me. You are the kindest man I have known. I love you very much Phillip."

"What about Danny?" Well that threw me for a loop.

"What about him? I said. Phillip you have never mentioned him in the years we have been together, why now?"

"We may see him tonight."

"I know, but it's over Phillip." I don't know why I choose to lie, maybe convenience. Lies have a way of visiting you on the most inopportune occasions.

Well what was I going to say? I'm never going to love another man the way I love Danny, not even you, you handsome good-looking great husband, great father, great lover—so I lied!

"I know Sydney, I'm just nervous."

"If I lose tonight, it will not matter, because I have what I've wanted all my life." I looked at him and held him close to me, because we both needed reassurance this night.

"You will not lose, don't even think that way, you'll send a negative wave into the universe." Phillip smiled broadly with his usual confidence and stride.

The limo driver prompt and quite elegant stepped out and held the door open as I entered first. Phillip reached for a drink after he settled down. I knew Phillip wanted to win one more Oscar, only because he was competing with Danny. Two alpha males competing, it could get ugly.

The evening, calm and cool had the feel of low expectations and high drama. I had a lingering question I harbored deep in my soul. How can I separate myself from Danny?

As the limo eased up to the Kodak Theatre, all the stars exited their cars to walk the Red Carpet; the circus began. The fans are collectively enthusiastic about the night's gala. The hype and publicity about Danny and Phillip hit a fever pitch, because everyone in the country knew of the rivalry that first started at Phillip's beach house in Malibu. Tonight would be the night that they are meeting like gladiators in Rome. Only one left standing. No one cared or took notice of the other nominees, the focus stayed on Danny and Phillip.

When Phillip stepped out of the car, the crowd screamed and shouted his name, while immediately I heard another resounding uproar, and there strode Danny.

Danny glanced at the crowd with his wondrous smile, then he waved at his admirers. I turned to my right and those eyes of his flashed like a light house in a storm to warn ships—don't come near, there are rocks and a shipwreck is eminent. That mouth with those wonderful polished teeth, which made me lose my being, gathered me up, and sent me on a journey in my mind—he hadn't lost his magic.

My mind took me to his arms, caused me to daydream, picturing how it could and should have been me on his arm at this ceremony. Pale and speechless, breathless, I did all I could to compose myself. My legs weakened, I needed to sit before I faint. I smiled, my heart raced, and I could not still my beating heart even if I tried. I'm lost again, I admitted, and this time, I may never return from this fantasy.

Years have passed and I thought I was over Danny, and here he is plaguing my thoughts like a bee sucking nectar from a flower. One taste of him and I'm on the merry-go-round again for life.

I came to my senses in enough time to notice that he was not alone. There beside him nudged close to his muscular arm, rest a woman.

I recognized her as a starlet. Her name is Rachael Warner, one of the most desirous women in Hollywood, and she snared my Danny. She had every actor in Hollywood vying for her attention, and every actor young and old wanted a piece of her.

The tabloids stated that she requested him for her movie and there the affair began. The word around is that they are engaged. The look on her face told me about her. She was after money, fame, and Danny, not necessarily in that order.

Rachael wore a lovely, demure, ingénue, girlie gown to play down her age, or convince someone, maybe Danny, that she was an innocent young thing. I saw through that frilly gown, and the expensive diamond pearl earrings, and her worldly woman demeanor to pull out the real Rachael—just an alley cat cruising for her next meal.

Heather and Steven kept up with the gossip in the states, and warned me about her. What was I to do? I was married to a wonderful handsome man and a well-respected actor. I relinquished my rights to Danny when I didn't accept his marriage proposal. I chose to marry Phillip. I have to live with my decisions!

Danny developed into a wonderful man and a great father. He spends all his time with Sean, even bringing him on locations to make up for the lost time. He even forgave me for the craziness I brought into his life, and he credited me for saving his life.

As Danny passed, the cameras zeroed in on Phillip and me. I'm sure the media will create some image they can manipulate.

Phillip turned to see Danny, and waved, "He's with Rachael, that's interesting."

"Do you know Rachael Warner?"

"Yes, she and I were in a movie together when she was a teenager, and I was in my thirties. She had a crush on me. When she won her first Oscar she ask for me for her next movie, and I turned her down. Danny took the part and now he has a nomination."

"Why did you turn her down?" I said leaning to hear.

"It's complicated and I didn't want anything or anyone to ruin my marriage."

"It was that serious?"

"I think you are jealous?" Phillip began to laugh and Sydney laughed because she couldn't figure out whether it was Phillip she was jealous of, or Danny.

"No I'm not jealous. I just want to know about your ex-girlfriends."

"Trust me Sydney, she wasn't an ex-girlfriend, she was a nineteen year old spoiled brat. You are the only woman that made me want to do something like get married. No one but you. Let's go over and speak to Danny and Rachael. It'll make good press."

"I don't know Phillip? I don't think it's a good idea. What about the paparazzi?"

"That will give them a chance to see that we are on speaking terms."

I gave in, so we walked over to say hello. I could see the look in Danny's face. He was delighted, and not at all the resentful man I imagined him to be.

He smiled and held Rachael's hand. As we neared the area where the press set up shop, each were talking to separate interviewers. I looked to see the ring on her finger, and she caught me looking. It was not as big as the ring Danny gave me, but it was expensive.

"Hello Danny, great seeing you under different circumstances," Phillip said shaking Danny's hand.

Danny and I looked at each other and that was all it took. It was a signal, the kind where animals find each other in the dark. It was active sonar, where feelings reflected back.

We were both trying to hide in plain sight. We were both hiding our love for each other. I tried not to look him in the face. We were both hiding our eyes and trying not to see each other or let anyone see our soul. I don't know what I would do if I could never see those eyes and lips again, I thought. I'm lucky, because I can see his eyes every day in my son's eyes and face. Did we fool anyone? I don't think so!

Danny shook my hand, "Hello Sydney, great seeing you again," he stated in his Scottish burr. "It has been a long time." He paused for a moment to get the words out of his mouth.

"Phillip, Sydney, this is Rachael Warner my fiancée."

Well he finally did it. He finally figured out how to get to me. He's announcing to the world that he is planning to marry the hot actress at his side. I had to hold my breath and keep from fainting.

"Rachael, it's great seeing you after all these years," Phillip stated in a manner that he had known Rachael in the biblical sense.

"It's nice to meet you Rachael, I hope you and Danny have a wonderful life and please invite us to your wedding," I said loathing my every word.

"I don't know how we can avoid not inviting you, because Sean is the ring bearer."

"Really, Oh how wonderful," I stated, wanting to tear her clothes off and expose what she was hiding under all those frills.

"We have a few more friends we have to visit before we are seated. Good luck Danny," stated Phillip. Then he took my hand and we walked away from the love of my life.

Phillip a fierce competitor didn't want Danny to win, but he wanted to win at any cost. I knew why he wanted to parade me in front of Danny. He wanted Danny to know that he won after all, and has the woman Danny wanted to marry.

* * * *

A satisfied Danny got a chance to see Sydney even if it was for a minute. To look in her face was all he craved. He wanted to remember the days they made loved together. To see her hair, eyes, and figure—to smell her scent. He longed for those feelings even if it meant languishing in a bed of misery. When his eyes are closed, he is at the moment they first met, and the nights they laid in each other's arms.

The few times they shared were all he hoped for, and all he would ever want again. If only to see her and feel her hand he would have given up life for that moment, now he had it, and no one would take that away from him.

Danny and Rachael walked hand in hand into the ceremonies. He felt lucky, this was a feeling he never felt before except for the time he met Sydney. That feeling never made its rounds until now.

Danny has clarity of mind and spirit. His feelings of emptiness dissolved, this was his lucky day. He heard Michael Buble's song, "Feeling Good," dancing in his mind. "It's a new day, it's a new dawn and I'm feeling good."

Chapter 23

When worlds collide, where do we run to hide?

I knew Phillip was not the man I had dreamed of in my life. Life is never what we expect and people are not what they appear to be.

I never expected Phillip to be a kind loving man, but he was. I didn't expect Danny to want me, tolerate me, forgive me, and love me for as long as he did, and he did all of that.

I expected Robert to be kind, understanding, and he wasn't. I wanted Mike to be the love of my life, but he was the nightmare of my life. You see people are not what they seem.

Phillip Cross gave me a life I didn't find with Danny. I learned about men, and lived a lifetime in the last five years. I stood on the veranda of my beautiful villa in Stresa, Lake Maggiore, looking out over the lake. I thought how wonderful and peaceful my life had become, then I remembered how Danny described the countryside where he grew up in Scotland, the serenely quiet, rolling hills. I heard Danny's voice in my head recite a stanza from "In the Highlands," by Robert Louis Stevenson.

O to dream, O to awake and wander

There, and with delight to take and render,

Through the trance of silence,

Quiet breath;

I was taking a quiet breath from my unfinished life.

I expected a call from Heather to keep me abreast on the latest escapade of my once lover, Danny, and my friends. Danny was the talk of Hollywood now that he was an international super star.

He won the Oscar and beat Phillip for once. Phillip has not been the same. He bought cars, Porsches, Ferrari, and began racing them to comfort himself for losing the Oscar to Danny.

Heather planned a visit with me to take a break from her family. She had as many children as I had.

There was a chill in the air, and the morning was cold. The kind of cold you find in San Francisco in the middle of summer. I was in deep thought, and didn't hear the phone. The phone had been ringing for several minutes.

"Sydney, where is Phillip?"

"No hello first."

"Sorry Sydney."

"He bought a new Ferrari and he left early this morning to test it," I said wondering why she was so concerned. She never liked Phillip—her favorite man was Danny. All Danny had to do was call her and she would spill her guts on everything he wanted to know about me, or anyone else for that matter.

"Sydney, Phillip is..." and her voice choked in silence. "Phillip is dead."

I heard Heather and my mind dashed through the moments and memories of my life. I dropped the phone, and crawled and sat in a fetal position on the floor. The room moved, or I think it moved. I don't remember. I don't remember eating or feeding the children. Maybe I didn't, because I remember looking up at Sean.

"Mama, what's the matter?" he said as he put his little hand to my face and brought his beautiful small face closer to mine. I looked into his eyes and I saw Danny and I began to cry. I cried for Phillip, I cried for Danny, and most of all I cried for my children and myself. I could not measure my happiness, but I could measure my pain, and it was unbearable.

"Mama it's going to be alright, don't cry. I tried to feed the babies because they are crying like you mama," Sean said as he brushed my hair from my eyes.

"I forgot little Danny and Danielle. I had three children for Danny, children who never met their father. What a mess! Now I'm a woman with no father for my children.

Phillip was the best man I've met in a long time. Danny was the best in so many areas of my life, and I couldn't see it because of the darkness surrounding me. Now it appeared to be too late. He would be married soon and out of my grasp.

I forced myself off the floor, with so much pain ahead in my life. I had to find the strength to take care of my children. I knew I was alive, because of the pain.

I kept busy to get through the days, so I couldn't think about my loss. I have lost so much in my life that I didn't think I had any more to lose. However, I have my children, myself, and wonderful friends and family.

Heather flew to Rome, and I met her, where she took over the funeral arrangements. Phillip never had children or family. Danny's children, his family, were all Phillip had. The tabloids ran stories about Phillip, and papers sold in England and the U. S. for weeks. Then they threw me in for good measure, where there was a front-page story about his money, his loves, his wife, and his children.

I inherited his fortune, but I felt penniless. With Heather's help, I picked myself up and staggered into the world like a drunken sailor on leave from the sea.

I began to take my children for walks along the countryside and the beach. I was so entrenched in my darkness that I began to see Danny at every turn. I thought I saw him in a car passing on the road. It couldn't have been him, I thought, because he would have said something. This person acted as if he didn't know me. He never looked in my direction.

His sightings became a game for me, and a pleasant ray of sunshine entered my mind and shone through the fog and rain in my life. It was the sun rising again. If it was Danny, I'm determined to find him. My children needed him and I wanted him to satisfy my frustrated soul.

I called Steven in New York and as usual, he saw this as an opportunity for gain, either with a healthy dose of gossip or a respite from boredom. He was eager to help. He would even find the time to visit and help me search for the elusive Danny McCloud, as he like to refer to him. Steven minored in theatre in college.

"Steven, have you heard from Danny?"

"The last I heard from him was the day he found out that I gave gossip about him to the Tell All gossip web site."

"That was you Steven?" I don't know if I can forgive you."

"I know Sydney, and I admit it was too stupid for words. Danny called me a bloody bastard, and those words were kind, the other words I couldn't understand. He said something about me shagging someone. What's shagging?"

You know Steven the f---word." I said laughing.

"Oh, colorful language those Scotts have.

"Steven, I thought I saw Danny."

"You couldn't have. He's filming in Asia. You're probably having a depressive episode over Phillips death."

"Steven, now you're a Psychologist. Where did you get your license, from watching Dr. Phil? "How are the children doing now that Phillip is gone?" he changed the subject.

"I don't know. They are used to him being away, and I didn't want them to be more screwed up than necessary, so I didn't tell them."

"What did you tell them about Danny?"

"The children think they have two fathers, Danny is number one and Phillip is number two."

"What about Robert? Sean knew Robert."

"I never talk about Robert."

"Sean is the oldest, how does he feel about Danny?"

"I told him in the beginning that he is his father, and that he had been ill and very soon he will come live with us, and we will live happily ever after like in the fairy tales. Sean saw him frequently before Phillips death. Phillip would fly him to where ever Danny was. "

"Oh no you didn't, talking about fairy tales, you are in one now."

"I had to do something Steven, stop asking me all these questions!"

"I'm sorry. I know you had a hard time. I don't know how you do what you do." Steven tried to comfort me when he realized that I was fragile, and not the person he once knew.

"Steven, when are you coming? Heather just left, but I still need someone."

"As soon as you get off this phone I can start packing. I'll get a flight out tomorrow.

I finally let Steven go, but it was unbearable being alone. I needed the company of a familiar voice to keep me together. I decided to get out of the house, to be in the open with people surrounding me. I needed the comfort of numbers, where I could rid myself of my unhappiness.

The next day I walked with my children and looked at the giant sunflowers. We stopped for pizzas and then I bought the frozen ice cream the children loved. They were happy again, and I'm happy again.

I decided to make a game of looking for Danny; the children would point out anyone who resembled him. Sean pointed to an artisan festival where a large group of people gathered, and where different artist displaying their works were in little tents. After exhausting the children, I soon realized that I had to meet Steven. Sean enjoyed when Steven came to town. He was kind, and childlike. Sean thought of him as a big brother.

I arrived just in time to collect Steven from the airport, and he greeted me with hugs and kisses, and baggage for three months.

The excitement of being in Italy was written on Steven's face. He admitted that he had never gone to Italy. I thought a man like Steven, educated with disposable money, should have ventured beyond the U. S., but he barely left New York, except for every other weekend. He fell madly in love with the country, and talked about moving and living the rest of his life here.

Steven talked continuous for hours, as if holding every secret for years. A dam couldn't contain the floodwaters of his gossip. He started his favorite conversation about Danny, because he knew I was hopelessly in love, no matter how I tried to hide my true feelings.

I needed a diversion from my sorrow so I listened while we prepared dinner. Steven chopped the vegetables for the salad and cooked the pasta, as I cooked the meat sauce. Attending the local cooking school allowed me to cook some special dishes.

We sat on the terrace to have dinner. The children were in bed. We sat entranced by the moonlight, with both of us wondering what went wrong, and why couldn't we be with someone we loved instead of each other. We looked at each other as if reading the other's mind and gave out a crazy, loud laugh.

Sean excited to have a man around, helped Steven unpack, and brought him slippers. He wanted a man about the house and he was especially happy that it was Steven if he could not have Phillip or Danny.

Life took Phillip and left my little family empty and suffocating. I didn't know how to give my children what they needed to make them whole again, but I would try to put my life back together piece by piece.

I let Steven in on my plan over a second glass of wine, and he agreed it was a good plan over his third glass.

I stumbled to bed after making it through another night without Phillip. I had become dependent on Phillip, because he knew the right things to do if I had a problem big or small. He had the right answers to brighten my day. Now I felt lost.

I never knew how much time it took to dress, feed, and carry the children places. I always had help, whether from Phillip, or a housekeeper. Now Phillip was gone and I gave the nanny and housekeeper off for a month.

Phillip loved my children and they adored him. I guess that was the only lucky moment in my life. I met men who loved my children and loved me equally. Phillip left my children his fortune when he died, and always treated them as if they were his.

The newspapers worldwide reported how Phillip had finally found love and had children, and that he died happy. There were pictures in the newspapers, our wedding pictures and pictures of the twins and us when they were born. All the children were for Danny, and he never knew.

The map of Scotland written all over their faces, with their striking green eyes and elegant nose, and he never knew. The whole story was clear, but no one took time to notice, not even Danny.

The next morning I was up early and Steven was nursing a hangover. I made coffee for Steven as the children slept. I poured him some of the Italian coffee, knowing it would keep him up for hours, even after jet lag. I had to get Steven talking and talk he did.

"Steven, where is Danny?" I said without embarrassment.

"I heard Danny had been working on picture after picture. Some close friends in the business say that he has been working hard since he won the Oscar. There was talk that if he did not stop he could collapse. He takes all these action pictures and asks to do his own stunts. It is as if he is trying to kill himself."

Steven saw the look on my face, and decided to change the subject. He must have known I couldn't take any more death stories.

"He's going to be in Venice at the film festival next month," Steven blurted out.

"No, don't shit me Steven. Is he really going to be in Italy?" I said with my heart racing.

"Yes, I'm serious Sydney," Steven said pouring another cup of the potent coffee.

I grabbed Steven, hugged him, and felt that there was one more light burning to lead me out of this darkness. I couldn't hold back my happiness. I shouted. "Yes! Yes!"

In that moment, I began to plan how I would piece together my life and myself with Danny. I made no consideration for others in his life or my own. I finally knew what I wanted, and I became determined to get it at any cost!

"Sydney, Sydney, come back to earth. I have been talking for hours and you didn't hear a word I said." Steven shouted waving his hand near my face and saying, "Is anyone home?"

"I was listening Steven, it's just so hard. I have nothing. I have all this money and I have nothing until I have Danny. I have been under this cloud and it never stops raining pain."

"I heard that after you drove Danny to the rehab clinic he never took a drink or drugs again."

"I'm happy for him, and I want to see him. I want to see him as he was when I first met him."

"No one stays the same Sydney, you know that." We both took another cup of coffee.

"I meant I want to see him sober."

After Steven decided that it was useless to try to sleep to get over his jet lag, we set out on a drive with the children along the countryside. Taken with the beauty of Lake Maggiore, he declared that he was going to buy himself a summer home next to mine. The only thing he had to get use to was the shops that closed in the middle of the day. Steven said that he and Italy were one, and he knew somewhere in his other life he had Mediterranean in his blood.

* * * *

The art festival had wonderful food that Italy is famous for. We walked to a nearby restaurant and ordered. Steven ordered a pizza to make a comparison with the Italian pizzas in New York, none could compare to the pizza we wolfed down that day.

I walked to the door, started out the door, when I heard loud cheers. The men sitting on the outside café were rating the women as they left the restaurant. I took the cheers to signal that I still had it. And indeed I did, all those men can't be wrong, so I left with renewed courage to find Danny.

I wanted paintings for my home, so I asked Steven to help me shop and carry the paintings. I walked from booth to booth and suddenly I saw what I wanted. The paintings were watercolors of Scotland. The first to catch my eye, a field of grass, hills with waterfalls, a stone bridge, and a forest. Landscapes of the Highlands, paintings of Lochs and Glens spoke to me and stopped me in my tracks. I paced back and forward trying to capture the essence of Scotland. I had to get just the right paintings.

"Are you interested in my paintings, beautiful lady?"

I glanced up from the canvas because the voice sounded familiar. I turned, our eyes met, and I couldn't say a word. I was lost. My heart skipped a beat. My body tingled. My faced glowed. It was the telltale signs of physical attraction.

His devilish young smile, his intriguing blue green eyes, and rugged good looks are the mirror image of Danny. I thought it was him, but it wasn't. How was this possible? How does a thing like this happen to one person in a lifetime? Steven stood in the corner beaming as if planning his outline, where he would write the next chapters to my life story.

"You are a beautiful interesting looking woman, and I would like to paint you. Do you live around here?" He questioned as he stepped closer to me.

I could not talk. I looked in his eyes, in his mouth, at his hands. "Yes, I live...," he cut me off.

"You are an American.

"Yes I am."

"If you give me your address I will make you a deal. I will give these paintings to you if you allow me to paint you, but the paintings of you are mine."

I thought for a few seconds and no more time was necessary to make my decision.

"My name is Sydney."

"My name is Jeremy McCloud."

"Do you have a brother name Danny McCloud?" I asked.

"Yes, I guess you would know him, he's in America, and you are an American. He's a famous actor. I haven't seen him since we were teenagers. I hear he'll be in Italy soon, and I'll try to catch him then."

I thanked Jeremy and left with Steven. Steven turned to see Jeremy staring at us as we walked down the path to the car. We stopped to watch the young boys and girls dance to some old rock and roll tunes of the sixties and seventies. I saw freedom in their dance. I realized that I had lost that freedom, and now I wanted it back.

I had to straighten out my life so I could get some stability. The more I tried to unravel the confusion, the more entangled I became. It's like trying to escape a spider's web when you are a fly. The web wasn't created for escape; it was constructed to prevent escapes, struggling to get out brought you in again.

"Sydney, do you believe what just happened?" Steven said, with a grin you could drive a truck through.

"I was wondering how long it would take you to say something."

"I can't believe how much they look alike," Steven said shaking his head.

"What are you going to do?"

"I don't know? Steven keep your eyes on the road."

"Are you going to tell him about Danny and the children?"

"I don't know. I have to think."

"Did he say when he was going to bring the pictures?"

"I didn't ask him. I was enthralled by his face and eyes."

"Oh Steven it's starting again. I'm in a whirlwind and I don't know what to do."

"I see you have two choices, tell him about his brother and you, in which he will not make any advances at you. On the other hand, you can tell him later, and see what happens. I know you are attracted to him, but you may not be his type. No, that is not quite right," Steven said, trying to figure things out. "People say when you have a twin and they are identical, they feel the same things. Can you believe this Sydney, what are the odds?"

"Steven you have just confused me more," I said trying to make sense of Steven's advice. I knew I was lost when I started soliciting advice from Steven. Steven has not been the same since the incident with Mr. X. Steven's judgment is totally flawed.

We arrived at my villa in time to tuck the babies in, and kiss them good night. Steven talked all night about our friends in New York.

He revealed that Tracy married again and went back to England. She discovered her second husband was a homosexual. Tracy caught him in the act after coming home from Las Vegas. It must be something about the Las Vegas sun, Steven observed.

Steven mentioned that he could have told Tracy her husband had sugar in his tank, and on the down low, but she never asked and he wasn't going to ruin a marriage, well that'll be the day.

After offering to put the dishes away, I told Steven that the house staff gets upset when he tries to clean behind them. Therefore, the only thing left for him, rested on more questions.

"Sydney are you going to see Danny in Venice?"

"Why are you asking me this?"

"I can't believe you are considering not telling him about Jeremy," Steven said in a mischievous voice.

"Of course I'm going to tell him."

"I'm not trying to get in your business. I was just being a friend, Sydney."

"Well, be a friend, and let me go to bed." I drifted away from Steven, with an unsteady walk, because of too much wine.

I woke early, took a hot shower, dressed, walked to my terrace, held my hands to the side stretching, when I spotted a car cruising along the driveway, and in it sat Jeremy.

He stopped the car at my door, walked to the back of the car and pulled three paintings out, walked to the door, then knocked. He paced in front of the door looking down, waiting for someone to answer.

I saw the same stride I had seen with Danny. I saw a man that made my heart skip a beat, but I hadn't seen this man in a long time. I came to realize that it was not Danny, and time had come to stop replacing men with what I wanted—Danny. I lived a lie throughout my life, and I couldn't go into the next phase with deceit, lies, and vain existence.

I ran to meet him in a handmade white cotton dress. I answered the door, and I smiled, and his eyes smiled at me. The children were still asleep. Everyone was asleep.

"You are awake early," I said in a soft voice.

"I couldn't sleep for thinking of you."

"Why are you thinking of me? We've just met."

"It is as if I've known you a lifetime." I feared those words, but I made a promise. I had to tell him to free myself.

"Do you know who I am?

"You said your name is Sydney but you never told me your sir name." He smiled once more and I thought that Danny was standing there in front of me.

"My name is Sydney Benning.

"I know your name from somewhere." He thought a moment. "Yes, I heard my mother talk of you." Jeremy said as he stepped inside and set the paintings down near the door.

"Did she talk about Danny when she mentioned that name?"

"Yes, now I know. That's the same name of the woman they say Danny loved. The talk was she almost wreaked his life, but I said that if his life was wrecked, she did not do it. But you know how mothers are—always protective."

"Do you want to sit?" I asked. Jeremy found a chair looking into the garden. "I'm that woman," I said in one breath.

A strange look settled over his face, and he didn't speak. One eyebrow raised as if wondering what next. He looked at me for the longest. I had seen that look once.

People come into another's life for different reasons. Why did he visit my life at this time? I wondered. "I hope I didn't shock you, but I felt that I had to tell you the truth."

"It was a shock, but I'm use to bad news," Jeremy admitted.

"Well I have some more news for you. You are an uncle."

He sat up straight, "That's the best news anyone can receive. I haven't seen my brother in fifteen years and now I can be a part of his child's life, nothing can be better than that."

"Jeremy come in and sit with me in the kitchen, and I'll cook you a Scottish breakfast."

"I'll be interested in that lassie, because I thought American women didn't cook because they ate out, or paid someone to cook for them."

"Well some of us cook," I said taking his hand and leading him to the table.

"We still don't know that yet," he said with a laugh, and I laughed with him. It was the first time I laughed in a year.

Steven heard the noise and shouted that he would be down when breakfast was ready.

"Steven is a dear friend. He came over to help me because of the death of my husband."

"I know. I'm sorry. Phillip Cross was your husband. I get the gossip magazines, because I wanted to know about Danny and it was always about you, Danny, and Phillip Cross."

"I haven't seen Danny since mum left my father. She could only take one of us and she thought she could get Danny later, but me old man would not let her have Danny."

"Does Danny know this? I sensed something sad about Danny. I knew there had to be a reason why he stayed sad."

"I don't know."

"Sydney tell me something, why are you living in Italy?" Jeremy questioned.

"I love the country. I came here to get away from everything. I met Phillip here, and we were married."

"I think you left something out."

"I don't understand?"

"You didn't say that you fell in love."

There was a pause and a silence. I didn't answer Jeremy. We reached for our cup of tea. We looked into each other's eyes. We were struck with a feeling that could not be explained. The silence interrupted by the sound of Steven's voice.

"I smell food and...I didn't know you had company."

"Jeremy, this is Steven, you met him last night."

"Great. Jeremy, anyone that can make Sydney smile is welcome and a friend of mine. I hope when I leave she will be in good hands."

"I'll try to take care of her," Jeremy said looking at Sydney with a laugh."

"Oh did Sydney tell you she has children?" Steven said not thinking but eating.

"Steven talks too much about things that do not concern him," I said shooting a frown in Steven's direction, to which he never saw because his eyes were on the food.

Jeremy looked straight at me in surprise, and Steven looked up like a cat that had been caught with the canary in his mouth. It was an awkward moment.

"As Steven said, I have children, two boys and a girl, I had twins."

"The papers did say you and Phillip had twins. I have been wasting your time, and I have work to do. Jeremy rose from his seat and began walking to the door. I have a showing of my work next week," Jeremy said getting up to leave. "Don't forget you promised to be my model."

"I won't forget, thanks for dropping them off." Jeremy waved goodbye and got into his car and left. I trudged back to a happy, hapless idiot—Steven.

"Steven, if you open your mouth again and get in my business I will find another friend. I'm so angry with you."

"I'm sorry, but I thought you told him. You still didn't tell him that the twins were his brother's children."

"I have no need to tell him and if I do, it will be in my own time."

"What's with being a model for him, Sydney? You know those European types they like to paint women in the nude."

"I don't think that's what he wanted, besides, I don't think people are painting like that anymore. Everything is abstract."

"Yea, when he asks you to disrobe, be prepared for the abstraction," Steven said as he shoved a piece of toast in his mouth and washed it down with tea.

I thought about what Steven said all day and night. The very idea stimulated my senses and made me feel like a woman again. The only man that could fuel the desire in me was Danny. I know that his brother has the same sway over me, and why shouldn't he? He intrigued my senses, and made me feel alive.

I quickly dismissed the thought of Jeremy, and didn't entertain the idea. I had done enough damage in my life to the ones I love. I couldn't go full force into a relationship with Danny's twin brother. He would never forgive me and all my thoughts of getting Danny back would be lost.

I made my mind up. Stay as far away as I can from Jeremy.

Jeremy called, but I made a mistake and answered while I was feeding my children.

"Sydney, this is Jeremy."

"I know who it is," I said with coldness.

"You promised me that you would let me paint you."

"I know I promised, but I can't do it now."

"You promised."

"Ok, I will meet you tomorrow," I said, planning to be unavailable, hoping that would turn him off.

"Then I'll pick you up tomorrow."

"No, give me your address and I'll meet you at your studio," I stated.

"No, I will meet you. I know that is the only way you will come," Jeremy said reading my mind.

I hung up the phone trying to find an excuse to get out of being in the same room with that gorgeous man. I realized he shared some of the same traits as his brother, he was persistent, and he would never give up on what he wanted.

Jeremy arrived early the following morning as the sun rose over the lake. Steven agreed to take the children to the lake for an old fashion American picnic. Therefore, I was free for the morning. My children were still sleeping when Jeremy came, so I didn't have to lie to anyone about the strange man in my house who happens to look a lot like Danny. Sometimes omissions are as good as a lie. I didn't care to make the distinction that day.

Jeremy drove a wonderfully old European convertible. I've always enjoyed convertibles, the freedom, and having nature so close. I turned to get a good look at him. His long hair, dark and curly down to his shoulders and combed straight back. His large wrist held several bracelets. His long fingers held no rings. His soft cotton blue jean shirt, clean, but it had paint splashed about that he couldn't wash out.

As Jeremy raised his hand to block the sun from his face, he saw me staring at him, he turned to look in my direction without saying a word, his glance lingered, the sun shone in his eyes, and his green eyes cut through me like a sickle through a blade of grass.

I felt the same animal magnetism I felt when Danny came near me, but here is where I got off the train heading for a derailment. I avoided his eyes. You know the eyes tell all. I could conceal my heart, and prevent him from knowing that I need love. That way I could conceal that my children needed their father, and I'm willing to accept a substitute—a substitute that is Danny's mirror image.

"We are here," Jeremy announced as the car came to a stop. He jumped out and walked around the front of the car to help me out and take my hand. "This is my place, it's a small space, but it has great light, and an artist needs plenty of light and inspiration," he said smiling proudly as he caught my eyes on the inspiration part.

"It's nice, do you live here too?"

"Yes, rent is free, because I keep the grounds clean, and I take care of the place. I have all this solitude to be able to paint. The place reminds me of my home in Scotland. The land belongs to an old gentleman in the States. I've never met him but his checks come on time, and he is paying me more than I could make at a regular job in Italy. I sell some of my paintings and I even have enough to keep me going for a few years."

"That sounds great if it's only you."

"It works for now," Jeremy said as he showed me where I would stand. He positioned me in the light where the background was the mountains.

His business-like manner made me comfortable, because he never once made any advances. I met him every day for a month without him ever trying to kiss me, or try anything I would reject. I thought this was great. I wanted this type of relationship with Danny's brother. I wanted us to enjoy each other's company.

One morning as he prepared to paint my portrait, he walked up to me, straightened my hair, then gently took his hands and pushed back another piece of stray hair, then as if captured in a trap, he just stood looking at me with those beautiful piercing eyes that seduced me, and made me fall in love with his brother. He stood there just smiling. Did he know what he was doing to me?

"What's wrong? Why do you smile in that manner?" I asked.

"I was thinking that you are so beautiful, and I would want to be with you forever."

No not again. But isn't this what you wanted? I thought. "I explained to you that I'm here because of our bargain, remember, nothing more than that."

"What is it about me that you don't like? You don't find me attractive?" Jeremy said. "You liked my brother, why not me?" He walked closer.

"I didn't just like your brother, I love your brother."

"You are not with my brother, you are with me now," Jeremy said.

"Look Jeremy, those children you see, they are all your brother's children."

"What?" He stood silent. "Why isn't he with them now? You have me here, and I can help you. I can help you take care of them. You don't have anyone, and you don't have Danny, why not me?" He pleaded.

"I don't want that anymore. I want my children to be with their father, not a substitute."

"I'm no substitute for anyone not even my brother," Jeremy grabbed my arms, pulled me to him, slowly pressed his body to mine, pressed his lips to mine and gave me the kiss I craved. His tongue seduced my lips, and my mouth opened wide, as it entered in a thunderous rape.

He held me so close that when the sun cast a shadow through the terrace doors, it appeared that we were one body. I could feel the vibration of his body on mine, and I couldn't resist, because I longed for a deep drenching erotic feeling to know that I am alive, and I am desired.

I returned his kiss, and I was indeed lost again in the world of agony and ecstasy. He then pushed me away and stood still as his eyes followed my body, and as my breast heaved up and down from the interruption.

Jeremy didn't say another word. He quietly took my hand, led me to the car, and brought me back to my home, and then he said, "I'll come to see the children and you can introduce me as their uncle. I won't try to make any more advances at you. I won't see you again if that's what you want."

"That is not necessary Jeremy. I want you to be a part of my children's lives. You are family, and I couldn't do that to them. I have done enough to harm them."

"I'm not sorry for wanting you and kissing you," Jeremy said unapologetic.

We did not say more and I watched as he departed.

The phone began to ring. I answered to learn that Heather had discovered the date that Danny would be in Italy, and at Venice Film Festival. The stars are lining up, I thought. If we were going to meet—it had to be there. I planned everything—every detail. I would take the children with me, and then I would close the door to my heart that let in Jeremy.

Chapter 24

On To Venice

Venetian women once captivated the city of Venice by using the Belladonna plant to allure and entrance men. By dilating their pupils with Belladonna, they sought to make themselves more attractive. The deadly nightshade, Belladonna, is translated as beautiful lady—the roots are the most poisonous.

The death of Phillip left a void and a hole in Sydney's heart. She didn't expect to miss Phillip as much as she did. She loved him but not with the passion she reserved for Danny. There could never be anyone to fill that part of her heart.

It had been a month since Jeremy's last visit, and Steven had gone back to New York. Sydney needed to go to Rome for shopping before she would meet Danny. While visiting Rome, she could see the Fountain of Trivi and make a wish. Sydney caught up in a fairytale, where someone forgot to tell her that in all fairytales there is a little horror lurking around the corner. She was willing to do whatever it took to bring Danny back into her life.

Sydney reached out to Steven who had returned to New York to check on his business and his new boyfriend. After telling Steven she would pay for his plane ticket and treating him to a shopping spree, he agreed to return to Italy. Steven rushed to help Sydney spend her money.

He flew into Rome to find Sydney waiting. Their two-day stay would afford them enough time to enjoy the sites. On leaving the hotel, Steven thought it would be enjoyable to see the natives if there were any left in Rome. Everyone appeared to be tourist. Walking to the fountain on a Saturday evening, Sydney and Steven spied people gathered for concerts, and just hanging out to have a good time.

Steven could devour a city block in New York wearing sneakers. Nevertheless, ask him to walk up and down stairs, he appeared to act as if he was someone's granny with all the complaints. His panting heard for miles, didn't let up until he reached the steps of the fountain, where he plopped down and wouldn't get up. Sydney and Steven had only seen the fountain in the movies, and they didn't have a clear picture of how beautiful and enormous it is.

Walking closer to the edge, Sydney looked into the water. She saw all of the coins and hopes tossed for miracles. Here she would try her luck too. She reached for her coins, threw them into the water, and turned to see all the couples holding hands and wishing.

Sydney couldn't bear seeing all the young lovers without being envious.

"Steven let's go, I'm hungry let's have dinner."

"I know just the place. It's off a little street just to the right of us. Here I have the brochure with a map. I've been reading all those travel magazines, and it's always best to go where the locals go," Steven said pretending he is a world traveler. Yet a few years ago, he couldn't get out of Brooklyn.

Steven and Sydney walked hand in hand like lovers. Looking from a distance it was easy to believe they were lovers. They were the beautiful people that magazines wrote about. However, they were just friends sharing their loneliness, their happiness, and their pain.

As Steven and Sydney fumbled through the cobblestone streets, a wonderful little outside restaurant caught their eye. It sat off on a narrow street. Tables were set for outside eating. They sat themselves and the waiter immediately took their orders.

"Look Sydney we have our own Gypsies." Gypsies standing across the street came to serenade them. Sydney loved the music but looked pass the Gypsies and looked directly into a pair of dark sensuous brooding eyes attached to a handsome tanned face and body, setting in an expensive BMW.

When the man locked eyes on Sydney, he stopped his car abruptly. The tables were so close to the street, he could have spoken to her from inside his car, but he stepped out and casually, slowly, walked to the table with the confidence of a jackal, and whispered.

"Bella Donna, beautiful lady." He handed her his card, walked back to his car, and drove away with a sly, mischievous smile slivering across his face. The card had his phone number, name, e-mail and home address. Everything was laid out, she didn't have to guess, all she had to do was call.

Sydney held the card and glanced at it. She was trying to decide whether to toss it or keep it. She decided on the latter. Sydney slid it into her purse. She knew men and she knew that look he wore like a costume. This is a man who knows how to seduce and deceive women. Men who thought they knew what women really wanted.

"That was very disrespectful," Steven said expressing his objection. "How did he know I wasn't your man?"

"He's Italian, that's the way they are. They see what they want and go after it," I said, trying to fix Steven's ego if he was playing the male role today. After Steven recovered from the fact that a man could recognize his sexual persuasion, he charged Sydney with a barrage of questions.

"Are you going to call him?"

"Who Jeremy?"

"No not Jeremy, we'll get back to Jeremy later. He's such a good looking hunk of a man that Italian. I wonder if he has friends." The waiter arrived just in time to save Sydney from Steven's envious rage.

"I don't know. Give me time to finish my dinner and think about it."

"What do you think he wants?"

"What do you think Steven?"

Steven held a fork full with pasta, stopped talking, twisted his mouth, and said, "A blow job."

"Steven that was a rhetorical question, I wasn't expecting an answer, but that was a good one," Sydney laughed.

Sydney and Steven began to laugh. Sydney appeared to be herself again. She hadn't laughed in years.

They enjoyed the music and the food. It was getting dark and Sydney wasn't in the mood to shop. The decision was to go window-shopping. Steven walked with Sydney arm in arm as he talked about what life had been like for him without Sam. Steven finally confessed to Sydney that he was in love again, and this time with a man who had no attachments.

"Good heavens Steven, you said that about Sam, and then you discovered he had a wife and a lover."

"This time Sydney, I'm keeping my eye on him, because he is working for me in the salon."

"Do you think that's a good idea? You're involved with an employee."

"You're so depressing," Steven said quietly and walked away.

"Come back Steven I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

"Okay, but keep your gloom and doom to yourself."

"Alright, Steven."

Steven and Sydney found a cab and the conversation switch from Steven to Danny.

"Have you tried to contact Danny?"

"Why?"

"Well he is your babies' daddy, and does he know about the twins?"

"He probably thinks that I took Sean to Italy because I hate him. I don't know what to do Steven. I hate when you ask me these questions. I have plans to tell him about the twins."

"Find him and tell him Sydney. I would want to know if I had children. Tell him."

"I can't. I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do. He probably hates me by now."

"A man never really hates the person he first falls in love with. A man looks back at a woman like you and says, "That was a roller coaster ride. When can I get on again?"

"Come on Steven, do you think he would want me?"

"I would want you, and I have no desire for women. Trust me; I don't think he ever stopped loving you. I do know something about men. He's sober and trying to clear the trash out of his life. Go get him!"

Steven convinced Sydney. Sydney knew she had to change her destiny. She began to live with that thought.

Chapter 25

Warm Bodies, Warm Hearts

Time didn't pass fast enough. I teetered between anxiousness and calm the whole week. I had to find the perfect dress. I had to find the perfect pose. I had to find the perfect peace. I felt as if I was planning a great heist or a perfect murder.

I was down to an hour before I would see Danny. I contacted the hotel to verify where Danny was staying. Yet I couldn't find out anything. I guess they didn't want anyone stalking their guest. Steven a very resourceful friend, secured information normally others would spend a lifetime acquiring. Steven, a powerful man in his circle of friends, knew everyone who knew anyone of statue in Hollywood.

He possessed the power of knowledge, and knew those who owned the power of gossip. He discovered that Danny was staying in a hotel in Venice, and agreed to give me the directions. He knew the time and place of his arrival. The talk was that Steven climbed the food chain by his association with me.

I dressed Sean with the help of Steven and arrived at the hotel the night before the festival to check in. I became very nervous because I didn't know what my presence would incur. I knew I would be welcomed because of Sean. The rest would be a flight without wings.

I knocked on the door, and I heard footsteps. I counted each one. I knew the sound of a man's beat, and I thanked my lucky stars that it was not that of a woman. I waited and my uneasy heart wrestled with me to be heard. It's beat, loud and louder still. I felt he would hear it through the door.

Sean held my trembling hand, and then he said, "It's going to be alright mommy." Those were his favorite words. "It will be alright mommy." His whole little world evolved around the notion that once we saw his father, his life would be full, and everything would be alright. I began to believe it too.

The door opened. I smiled nervously and Sean smiled.

"Hello daddy."

Danny looked at me with the look of where have you been all my life. He looked down at Sean and a joyous smile graced his handsome, youthful face. He lifted him into his arms and tears rolled from his eyes.

"Sean, I love you, I love you," Danny repeated as a tear fell from each eye.

"I know daddy, I know." Sean comforted Danny, by telling him that he knew how much he loved him, and they both began to cry. I cried too.

"What are you two doing here? Come in. I have looked everywhere for you Sydney."

"I have been living here for a few years," and then...He cut me off.

"You were married to Phillip Cross and you have other children, I know."

"I think we shouldn't talk about that for now."

"You're right, I don't want to revisit that heart ache, let me look at you Sydney. You are still beautiful as always, but never so much as at this moment." He took my hands brought them to his mouth and kissed them, then shook his head in disbelief as Sean stood between us with a grin and his eyes uniting his father and mother.

"You're a most handsome man Danny."

"And you are as beautiful as the day I first saw you."

We continued gazing into our emotional spirits, and forgot about Sean who was excited about Venice and the pigeons that appeared to live in every crevice.

"How did you know I would be here?"

"Steven's friend who is on the production staff of SWS leaked out the news."

"Oh, Steven." This was the first time Danny felt comfortable mentioning Steven's name.

I studied Danny's changed face. A line or two settle around the eyes whenever he laughed. He wore very short hair, like a buzz cut. His look said matured man, and his look said man with experience in life. His clothes took a more conservative appearance, no tees, and no jeans. He finally lost his tee shirts and boyish looks.

He is a man and yet a boy in some ways.

He was far more handsome than I could imagine. His eyes had a peaceful hue of green, clear and tantalizing as a meadow. His lips were calm with pent up fire. He was a volcano waiting to release all the love he reserved for the one he longed to touch.

I could see in his eyes. He was more in love with me than before. Before it was the love of a young man, a hot fiery love, but now it's the love of a maturing man—forgiveness, understanding, and passion for children and his woman who is the mother of his child.

He took my hand as Sean played in a distance on the veranda overlooking St. Marks Square. His hands were steady and glowed with heat. He pulled me close, closer and his kiss lit a fire in me. The years and bad memories hid away, and a flash of our moments came together and the only moments were the ones we were experiencing today.

We didn't say more, we just looked at each other and smiled. We smiled when we thought about all that we put each other through, we smiled because we have each other, we smiled because we love each other more today than before, and we smiled when we thought about what it took to bring us to this moment.

I couldn't wait to find out about his life, but he didn't ask about mine. He wanted to forget everything that had brought us to this point. He didn't ask and I didn't tell him more.

"Can you stay with me tonight?" he asked, and will you go with me to my premier?"

I didn't hesitate, "Yes! Yes! I have my own room, come by after the children have gone to sleep. Then we'll have time to talk."

"I completely forgot that you and Phillip have twins, I don't want to keep you. I'll see you tonight."

I didn't tell Danny better. I wanted him to see for himself. Before I left his room, Sean kissed his father and asked him to tuck him into bed. I wanted him to tuck me in too. I left without telling him how much I love him. I think he knew.

At nine o'clock, Danny knocked on my room door. I took hours to dress for the occasion. I had to steady my nerves, calm down, act like a worldly woman, which by now I was that and then some. In his hands, he carried the largest basket of pink, yellow, and red roses.

"I came to tuck Sean into bed. I came to see you, and this time I'm not leaving and you aren't going to leave me." He stated sure of himself. "Marry me."

"I have a boy and girl, and they are very young, can you accept that?"

"I love you and I can accept anything!"

I took his hand and led him into the children's room where the nurse was sleeping nearby. "Come, look at my beautiful babies."

We tiptoed into the room where our twins were sleeping, and Danny looked with astonishment, but with love instead of resentment.

"When were you going to tell me?"

"I'm telling you now. I thought you never wanted to see me again."

"Woman, you are always thinking for me. These are our children and you never told me," he said with tears streaming down his cheeks.

"I know that was stupid. Can you forgive me?"

"I can forgive you of anything. This is my little family, and you have made me the happiest man alive," he said. He sat on the floor, I anticipated his motion and I sat also, and we hugged each other. He gathered my hands into his and kissed my hands, and that kiss was a shelter from a winter storm.

"I love you so much. I knew I could never love another woman again the way I love you. I didn't know why and now I do. Will you marry me?"

I didn't pause, I didn't give him time to think, I said yes, and the world heard my cry, "Yes! Yes !Yes!"

We married in a small Basilica overlooking the Mediterranean Sea. We walked out of the church and a cool breeze from the sea touched my face, and there stood Jeremy.

Danny was overjoyed at seeing his brother at his wedding to wish him well. We left and honeymooned for a few days in Venice because Danny didn't want to leave the children.

He finally got what he desired. I got the man I wanted, and a ride under the Bridge of Seines in Venice.

Danny promised to take me to Spain for our honeymoon as soon as the promotion for his movie ended. I agreed. I would agree to anything he proposed.

He reluctantly agreed to move into the home I shared with Phillip, only until I found another. We began to share a lifetime of loving with our children. Danny tried to make up for lost time. He stayed up at night and fed the twins, then rocked them to sleep at night. He changed diapers and dismissed the nurse so he could bond with his children.

We finally reached the point that took us off the beaten path, and as Robert Frost stated, "I took the road less traveled and it has made all the difference." Our friends and my family called to congratulate us and tell us how happy they were to know that we are happy at last.

The children asleep in their rooms left us the chance to discover the passion of years that had consumed our bodies and senses.

Lying in bed with Danny, holding each other tightly, I felt the warmth of his body, and in my back, I felt the slow rise of his erotic sensual nature. I felt the strength of it as he pressed it into my body. I turned and peered into his eyes and he kissed me gently as his hands fondled my breasts, and sent me into a sexual frenzy. He moved to my breasts and lay midway as he kissed my stomach.

All my nightmares vanished and my dreams finally came true.

We found ourselves longing for each other's bodies in the most private and unusual ways. Once repulsed by the thought of other lovers, soon faded, but the passion that stemmed from the knowledge gave way to a more intense lovemaking.

Danny approached my body as a man trying to prove that any past lovers could never equal him in his love and passion for my body.

The oral lovemaking that I couldn't resist would bind me to him forever.

It was an endless feeling of pleasure whenever I gazed into his eyes, it was an endless feeling of warmth whenever he touched my breasts, it was an endless feeling of longing for his body whenever he was around, and I will never be the same.

My gamble had finally paid off, because I double down on the cards of life, and I won! I won!

The next morning we lay in each other's arms with the secure peace and harmony of two lovers, and two friends can depend on. Harmony in life is a difficult concept. It means a pleasing arrangement. We finally had a pleasing arrangement in our lives.

Then there came a tap at our bedroom door, and Sean scampered into the room, jumped on the bed, kissed Danny then me.

"Daddy, daddy, guess what?" Before Danny said a word, Sean announced, "Uncle Jeremy is visiting, and he's waiting downstairs, come." His little hand led Danny out of the bed and to his destiny.

– The End –

Book 2: Naked Obsession and Book 3: Burning Obsession can be purchased now.

Thank you for buying my books. Please leave a review. You can contact Rachel E. Rice at: http://www.rachelerice.com

Or her blog: http://www.rachel-e-rice.com

Books by Rachel E. Rice

Historical Romance

The Captain and The Virgin #1

The Pirate and The Captain's Lady #2

The Captain's Revenge...#3

Seduced By An Earl #1

The Naked Countess #2

Contemporary

Obsession: Warm Bodies, Cold Hearts #1

(Obsession Series) Naked Obsession # 2

Burning Obsession # 3

Tamika Jade: The Case of the girl with the Rose Tattoo #1

Science Fiction

The Well 1

The Well 2

The Well 3

Erotic Romance

(Blackstone Series) The Incredible Mr. Black #1

(Blackstone Series) Temptation In Black #2

(Blackstone Series) Submission To Black #3

Stand Alone New Adult Romance

Finding Summer

Coming Soon: One Desire

### Finding Summer Blurb

When the handsome Jackson Van Hughes, a football star, millionaire playboy awakes from a coma, he has no memory, and if that isn't bad enough, he is blind. Summer is a volunteer in the same hospital. When she sees him she feels there is something hauntingly familiar about Jackson, other than, he is the second most handsome man she has met.

They fall in love but neither one will admit the attraction. Summer agrees to become his caregiver and their relationship changes, but another traumatic accident occurs, and Jackson's memory of his past returns, but his memory of Summer is destroyed. It is unlikely that they will ever meet again, unless Summer takes action to help Jackson remember she is the woman he loves. How long will Summer have to wait for Jackson?
