Well, Pete, you just recently
moved to Los Angeles
after living in New York
for a bazillion years.
For 12 years and all my New York
friends are like,
"Doesn't L.A. suck?"
And I'm like, no, it's the best.
It's-
Yeah, you're loving it.
It's so nice.
New York is a great place
to live
if you wanna
get better at comedy,
but L.A. is a great place
to live
if you wanna
get worse at comedy.
Guys, can we just get back
to talking about dicks
and let me get
through this live read.
Zulily.com is where
you need to go.
Zulily.com/Nikki for
an extra 20 percent off
already huge savings.
Zulily.com.
Speaking of huge,
let's talk about dicks.
Let's talk about them.
Jimmy Carr is here.
You've already
heard him already.
So, Nikki, surrounded
by four men.
This feels like a night out
for you, doesn't it? Come.
This is so exciting for me.
I love this crew in here.
Jimmy Carr is here.
Tickets are on sale now
for his new tour.
Oh, please, please, please.
Get tickets at Zulily.com.
Zulily. Call them.
Don't worry about my tour.
JimmyCarr.com.
Go see him on tour.
Let's see if I'm funny
before anyone's thinking
about buying a ticket.
You're the funniest.
How have you been?
What are you talking about?
And you know that you are.
Jimmy, how you doing
this morning with your honey?
I got drunk last night.
I found a bar in New York.
Well, my friend found a bar.
Where you can still smoke.
What?
There's a bar in New York,
it's called Hudson and Books.
Is it Hudson and Books?
Let me look it up. At the -
Are they not going to
be excited
that you're saying
this out loud?
Like are they
going to be busted?
Going to get raided?
There are two licenses
in New York for bars
that were cigar bars
originally,
and they couldn't take
the licenses away
when they changed the law.
And there very small little
places, but it alarmingly funny.
It's almost like
owning a time machine.
I walked in there at like,
whatever it was.
It was late.
A plane.
Or a what?
Or a plane.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the funny part is like
wow, that's so quaint and new.
It's like that's
every bar in Oklahoma.
Oh, yeah that's a good point.
Yeah.
It's middle America cosplay.
Can you still smoke in Oklahoma?
There's definitely
certain states
where there's indoor smoking.
Missouri.
There's a lot of states
where they'll just eat the fines
because people won't go to
their bar if they can't smoke.
Like, in Indiana there's bars
where people do that.
I don't know whether to believe
you
because you have
wolves on your shirt.
Believe me more then. You think
I don't know about Indiana?
I would normally be giving you
spare change.
So you went to this bar
last night...?
Yeah, I went to a bar.
Like, late night?
I've got a friend
that was filming a thing.
I was filming a thing.
So we went drinking-
Who is your famous friend?
Russell Crowe. We went drinking.
Oh, I had a feeling it was
something like that.
Yeah, it was fun though.
Cool.
Pretty fun night.
So we drank some very good
whiskey and tequila
and I feel a bit,
little bit...
I can't believe you're here.
I imagine you only smoke
out of a pipe.
Oh yeah. 100%. 100%.
Like a chimney sweet.
Yeah.
Wait, a second.
You were out until how late?
4 in the morning?
3 now. We're open till 3.
Oh my god.
I like a late night drink.
I don't drink much.
I don't want to drink...
I don't want to get
kind of blackout.
What does that mean
you don't drink much?
How often do you drink?
Cause your tee-total now, right?
Mm-hmm (affirmative).
I gave up drinking for about
12 or 13 years.
Shut up.
Actually when I started
doing comedy.
So I used to drink
at college quite a lot.
And I was drinking afterwards,
but I wasn't happy.
I think drinking when
you're not happy is the worst.
And then I just started
doing comedy,
and I just really
want to do this.
And I kind of thought
I'd come to a light.
I was about 26
when I started doing comedy,
and I went, oh I better
really focus on this.
And it was enough fun that
I didn't need anything else.
And then when comedy started
not being fun anymore,
you're like,
[inaudible] back into this.
I kind of just thought,
I've done alright. I'll be okay.
I love that.
I'm coming up on seven years,
December 9
of not drinking alcohol.
So what was the thing?
What was the low point?
I felt the same way.
I wasn't happy.
I saw everyone's careers
that I wanted around me
who were successful people
in comedy and I realized,
oh they all don't have
a drinking problem.
Either they don't drink
because they did have a problem.
Or they just don't
drink that much
and it's not something
that interferes
with their live
every single night.
And so...
Were you drinking
every single night?
Kinda! Yeah because I could.
I'd at least have
a couple drinks
because you just can,
and I was out every night.
It's a weird thing, as well.
It took me years
to kind of like...
sort of, when I started
drinking again
you kind of go to a comedy club
and do a set.
And then you kind of never
have to buy another drink.
You never. That's the thing,
it's free.
It's a weird thing when you go
no money is changing hands.
And there's something
about me that's going,
well this is good, isn't it?
It's awesome.
Think of all the money you lost
not getting free drinks
for those years.
Ahh.
Whoa.
If you don't drink, they should
just hand you money.
Like extra money.
Somebody had a joke about that.
That's amazing.
Every time you go to the bar,
every couple...
they hand me seven dollars.
After not, when you're not
drinking as a single woman
and guys are like,
can I buy you a drink.
I'm always like, no.
Give me like a Starbucks
gift card.
Something? Seven dollars.
That would get me two coffees
that I would really
enjoy down the road.
A cup of soup?
That's bad though
because after a couple of drinks
you can sleep with a guy.
But if we gives you $14
you really feel like a budget
[inaudible].
I would love that.
Nicky Glazer,
budget [inaudible].
That could be the new
special title right now.
I'm, listen,
I'm workshopping some.
Thank you.
So yeah, it was just,
I got to that point.
But let me ask you.
What was the point where you go,
I'm going to have that
first drink after 13...
12 or 13 years?
I built a house. I built a house
in London where I live.
And we put a bar in it,
and so I had a bar
and I thought, this is mental.
I'm going to have a drink.
And I kind of had a thing where,
the last couple years
of not drinking,
I would have like
a Guinness at Christmas.
Like at the end of the last gig,
I'd have like a Guinness.
I quite like it. Quite like
just having that one drink.
Kind of slightly
fetishistically.
Not getting drunk,
but just having one drink
is like a lovely thing.
Edgy.
What a relatable story,
by the way.
I'm starting to have...
wow, I'm a very wealthy man.
I'm starting to ...
very wealthy.
I'm starting to experiment
with drugs now.
Like in my mid-forties,
I'm starting to go,
oh, actually
I'm terrible at relaxing.
I've got not capacity
to sit home and do nothing.
So I'm just starting
to kind of use marijuana
now for the first time.
I love it.
It's great.
It's terrific.
It's a very interesting thing
if you've never done drugs.
I've always been
sort of quite anti.
Edibles? Do you do edibles?
Yeah, I can't really smoke.
I feel like I'm in
an Oscar Wilde play.
I feel like there's something
about me with a cigarette.
Oh, hello.
[inaudible] fancy here.
I think you would look cool
with a joint. I don't like...
If you think I'd look cool,
you need to get laid.
[crosstalk]
You're not wrong.
That's a red flag.
You're not wrong.
When did you last get ...
get ...
Get stuffed? Um ...
When did you last get...
Get Stuffed With Nikki Glaser
is another great title
for a show.
I love to get cummed in.
I know. I did say
that earlier today.
It was a ...
Well, we've got a finale
for the show, fellas.
It was, what morning?
It was Wednesday night.
A week ago.
Well, that's all from us.
We're just going to
watch it dribble out.
One week ago.
One week ago?
One week ago.
One week ago.
Okay.
Is that when I went to LA?
I don't even remember.
Yeah, no Tuesday night.
Yeah, it was Tuesday night.
A Tuesday night.
Yes, it was a Tuesday night.
Well, we all know the best sex
is Tuesday night sex.
And how are the tacos?
Did it sit well?
Did you have the tacos first?
The Taco Tuesday?
Oh. It was late...
Did you fuck a Mexican dude
just because you thought,
it's Tuesday?
There's so many things
that you're hitting on
that I want to talk about.
I had gotten into town
really late at night,
and I just climbed into bed
and we just banged it out
real quick.
It was just a quick
one-and-done.
I didn't even think,
I was really going to ...
I was like not
in the mood, really,
and then it was one of
those ones that it was like,
I didn't know
I was in the mood so much.
I think if I guy's not on
the mood, that's a problem.
I believe thumbing in a softie
is the expression.
It's like trying to play pool
with a bit of rope.
If you're picking a lock with
a marshmallow, that's an issue.
But if a lady's not in the mood,
you can just use,
I believe they call it
Australian charm, don't they?
Or saliva.
Yeah, Australian charm.
Oh, okay. Yes, exactly.
It's that easy, isn't it?
But that's the thing,
I thought going into it
because I hadn't seen this guy
in a while, and I was like,
I'm really really tired
and like not into it -
I never get
[inaudible] twice.
I'm amazed you'd seen it before.
I'm assuming she fucked her
Uber driver.
You ever fucked
an Uber driver?
Um, no.
The fact you're having to think
about it
tells me every thing
I need to know.
Well, I was just thinking
have I ever had sex
with someone who has driven for
Uber but not my Uber driver.
But not like,
you haven't met a guy ...
that would be fun.
No, no, Jimmy. I think you think
of me in a different way.
you know what that is?
That's the sixth star.
That's how they refer to it.
Oh, she gave me the sixth star.
Yeah, so it was
just one of those...
I told him afterwards, I didn't
know how much I needed...
It was like he found
a pressure point
and just like dug into
with his elbow.
It's one of those massages that
was just like, oh Jesus Christ.
Like, I didn't know
that it hurt.
It hurt good. I don't know
what I'm trying to say here.
It hurt good?
Wait, this is a sex thing?
I think she's trying to write
a Madonna song from the 80s.
I had sex and it felt...
I think she's trying to rewrite
Like a Virgin live.
Like I was overly
sensitive to it.
Where I was just like,
whoa I didn't see that coming
and I was just like,
it was so quick like I didn't...
You didn't see it coming?
I didn't see it coming.
Well, you like to be
cummed in, so...
I didn't see... yeah, exactly.
They had a cervical camera
so she could watch it later.
And he didn't - we were
not doing cumming in
because I'm not on the pill,
so it's always got to be out
and it's no unsatisfying.
We were talking
about that before.
You guys had been
pulling it out?
He pulled it out, yep.
Sorry, you're having
unprotected sex.
Yep.
And he's just pulling out?
Yep.
Because you're on the pill.
Oh, you know, like have you
ever seen the Teenage Mom show?
Listen ...
Do not take any sexual advice
from this lady.
That's crazy.
We've used the pull-out method
only for years now, and ...
Pre-cum is really, Nikki Glaser.
I know, but I'm probably barren
is what I'm thinking
because I've never had a scare.
Never anything.
Like, I'm not ...
never been pregnant,
and I've been having risky...
The pull-out method
is not good to do.
Let me see it.
Let me just do a quick exam.
I've never been pregnant.
I've had things where
I thought I was pregnant,
but I've always just known,
you're not pregnant, bitch.
You're just late because you've
been eating weird or whatever.
I think you should start
a family.
Yeah, I'm going to go there.
I think you should start
a family right now.
No interest.
I would be a great mom.
Oh, I didn't think so, but ...
No, I just think you're running
out of things
to talk about
in your comedy specials.
I think you should
have a family.
You think you'd be a great-
That is not wrong.
You think you'd be a great mum?
Oh yeah.
I think I know someone who is
going to start drinking again.
That's the thing.
Mommy needs a livener.
Get Mommy's special juice.
Get Mommy's special juice.
You have to Uber to school.
Jimmy.
That Uber driver's cute.
Tell him I like him.
Jimmy. When you started drinking
again, how quickly did it...
You've had to have some night
where you're like, oh god.
What did I do?
All those things that...
I've quit drinking
because I hate those nights.
I hate nights
where I blacked out.
Where I can't really
piece together.
I've sent texts I don't want.
I've written tweets
I don't care for.
And I just have
that anxiety...
The hangover's terrible.
Is the hangover ...?
I occasionally get
the beer fear.
I occasionally get
the kind of thing
the next morning of going,
oh, I'm the worst.
But I tend to just get
that a lot from travel.
I get that more from traveling
than I do from drinking.
It's exacerbated
maybe slightly from drink.
But actually,
I just get the fears
sometimes when I'd be traveling.
I've done about
40 countries this year
and I find if I get
my circadian rhythms about,
I get depressed.
And the drinking is like,
you maybe have a drink
to take the edge off
trying to get to sleep.
And then that's more the thing,
rather than the...
because you still get
the everyone hates me thing now,
I imagine?
Have you listened back
to the show?
Have you not been on Twitter?
Come on, Nikki... Come on.
But no, I sometimes
get that thing,
and I think it's
unrelated to drinking.
I think that hangover
thing of like,
I don't mind having a hangover
and feeling a bit
dehydrated or whatever.
Not a biggie.
I'll deal with that.
But that kind of depression
the next day, thinking,
oh my god.
The anxiety thing.
I suffer more with anxiety
now than I ever have.
I think it's kind
of travel-wise.
I think it's all to do with ...
I think you're right.
And that's why I'm kind of
interested in marijuana
for that deeper sleep.
Not really to get high.
I just want to sleep.
They actually say that..
That's why I take it.
It's bad.
It's worse for your sleep.
They say that it messes up
your REM sleep.
I took 10 milligrams last night
and woke up just glued
to the bed.
I slept eight hours,
but it felt like three.
I can't get up.
That's why I don't do it.
I can't smoke before I go to bed
because the smoking high
only lasts
for three or four hours,
and then I wake up like, ahhhh.
Edible keeps me asleep
the whole night,
but then it's not good sleep.
I'm bad at sleeping.
That's another reason
I can't drink.
Do you do melatonin?
A little bit.
I've started doing a little bit
of melatonin.
Melatonin is the best.
Yeah, two milligrams a day,
every day.
It's really great.
Two? Wow I do 10.
No, my girlfriend was doing
like 80 milligrams at a day.
They were 10 milligram pills
and she would just, gulp.
And she learned
apparently there is a curve,
an effectiveness curve that
she was overshooting by a mile.
So now she's back down
to like less than 10.
But I did a thing
in Australia this year
where I flew to Australia
twice in January,
which is from London
a bold
[inaudible]
flight.
So got there,
and went, right, sleep.
I'll take some Valium.
So, I was given some Valium.
Took some Valium
and then I basically
had nothing left in my system.
I didn't realize it strips
all the serotonin from you.
So I took all this stuff
on the jet lag as well,
and was kind of
wandering Australia
as well going,
I think...
I'll kill myself.
Yeah, we're all going to die,
aren't we?
Australia is bleak.
Which way does London
go to Australia?
It's direct? Does it go over
one of the poles or something?
No, there is one direct flight
into Perth,
but then the downside
is you arrive in Perth.
Burn on wherever Perth.
Yeah, get fucked, Perth.
God bless you American
and you're lack of ...
Tim Minchin's from Perth.
There's good people from Perth.
So it's kind of a, you fly,
maybe Hong Kong or Singapore
on the way.
But I think you're right.
Like, all these things
we attribute
to that's why I feel bad.
It's really...
the drinking
is messing up your sleep,
and the sleep is what's
really causing you to be...
the lack of sleep
or the circadian rhythms
being all messed up
is what causes it.
Well, it's an interesting thing
is that with something like AA
where people deal
with the drinking problem
rather than what's
causing them to drink.
Like, actually good therapy
and I think a lot of this stuff
with like you know DMT
and people doing Iowaska
or whatever to kind of push
through whatever that thing
is that's making...
you know, and there's two very
different types of drinking.
There's problem-drinking,
and there's just - hey, listen.
I went out for a drink
with some friends
and we had a lot of fun.
It was great.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
I mean, people drink
because they're sad
and they want to numb out.
That's when you have
a drinking problem,
and that's the same way
I eat sometimes.
Like, last night I just got home
and I was like,
I'm feeling things
I don't want to feel.
And I'm just going to stuff
my face until I feel sick.
And it's...
I'm doing the same thing
that I used to do with drinking.
And part of me is like,
why don't I just get drunk?
What's your go-to food?
I eat really healthy stuff
because I just want to eat
everything and eat...
I want an excuse to be able to
eat forever and ever and ever,
and so I'll just eat
like veggies and hummus.
She's vegan.
And so, I'll...
Oh, have you been
to the Butcher's Daughter?
That place in New York.
They've got a couple
of locations.
Are you making a joke?
Is that vegan?
No, no, it's vegan, right?
It's vegan.
I thought he was going to fuck
with you.
No, game-changingly good
vegan food.
I went there once.
It was very good.
I'm vegan most of the time.
Yeah, it's the way to be.
For sure.
But it's ... yeah, I binge
on like really healthy stuff.
But I will make myself sick.
People go,
all you eat is salads.
I go, you don't understand
the amounts I can put away.
And when I'm going on,
an emotional binge...
I feel like I'm talking
to a crazy person now.
The idea that
you're binging on salad.
I mean... that's not a thing.
That's not comfort eating.
It really is. I love salad.
I crave it.
I love healthy foods,
and I eat disgusting amounts
of them where you'd be-
I'll eat... I'll literally
eat 3000 calories of a salad.
This is, no. Whoa, whoa,
whoa time out.
Comfort eating is ...
That's insane.
So I can eat for hours. Hours!
Whereas someone
who's eating a cake
can only eat that cake
for 15 minutes.
However long it takes you
to stuff a cake in your face.
I can have the same
amount of calories
that that cake is over hours
and I can eat the whole time.
Because then I prolong...
it's like, I used to drink.
I used to drink vodka sodas
and I would do
a little bit of vodka
and a ton of soda
so I could just chug and chug.
And consume volume
without having the ...
without blacking out too fast.
You need vodka lettuce.
I love that people wake up
from food benders.
I think all of this relates
to the size
of her father's penis
is my take.
It probably does.
It's all about volume.
Oh my god.
But the idea of your bender
being that.
Like most people go on a bender
and they wake up
with like a stomach
ache from all the sugar
or bloated from all the salt.
And you wake up the next day
and take the most perfect shit.
A perfect cylinder
with flat ends.
I do. I do. I mean...
Just a tube of play-doh.
I went to bed last night
so sick.
Oh, man.
I woke up a six pack.
Oh, I'm so fucking ripped.
I have 100%
a binge eating disorder.
Like, 100% but it would
never ring any alarms
because I binge eat
healthy food.
So, no one's ...
everyone's always like,
oh, Nicky and all of her salads.
And it's like,
I'm crying for help.
But it's...
What were you suppressing
last night?
Can we talk about that?
I was suppressing the fact
that the guy I'm seeing
hasn't been as communicate
with me as I want him to be.
I was suppressing that I
performed a song last night,
and I didn't nail it
the way I wanted it to.
I was suppressing the fact
that I have to make-
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You performed a song?
God Damn?
Yeah, the Goddamn Comedy Jam.
What song did you do?
Blank Space, Taylor Swift.
Yeah, it was really fun.
Really, you covered
Taylor Swift?
Yeah, we did like
a rock version of it.
It was awesome.
It was really fun. I was...
I mean...
The fact that I wasn't
going to get enough sleep
because I wanted to eat a lot,
and then if I went home
and went to eat a lot,
I still gotta be up for radio.
So I was kind of stressed
about not getting enough sleep.
And then today,
I have a meeting after this.
And then I have
another thing later,
and I have to go
to Mike Birbiglia's show
which I'm excited about
but I'm also like
it's just another thing
I have to dress up for.
I'm seeing it Thursday.
And like look good, and I'm
going to the Comedy Cellar,
and I have to-
I'm suppressing all of that.
You have to dress up
for Mike Birbiglia's show?
Yeah, it's a Broadway show.
I'm going to take
a fucking picture.
He's not even dressing up
for it.
I know, that's the ironic...
He's a married man with a child.
I'm not dressing up so Mike
Birbiglia's like,
wow, Nikki looks...
it's like I'm going to take a
picture and post it on Instagram
because that's why
he's giving away free tickets
to all his friends anyways,
so that we all promote
and so that I can talk about
how amazing it is.
So I want to look cute
for that picture.
Then I have to go
right to the cellar
and do the Comedy Central
taping that they don't provide
hair and makeup for.
So I gotta do that.
And then I have to make sure...
There's just so many things that
I'm juggling that I just eat,
so I don't have
to think about them.
But I'm going to
get it all done.
I'm going to say.
No one else is going to say it.
I think you should
get back on the booze.
I know, right?
You never hear anyone say that.
And sometimes you just go,
lean into that.
Have a drink.
Take the edge off.
I think I could, and I think
I will some day, but ...
Come on. Have a drink.
I just think all of my
sober friends
will be very disappointed
in me,
and that's kind of
what keeps me doing it.
I've got a lot of friends in AA.
And how sad were they for you?
I was never in...
I never really had
a problem big enough.
My thing was just,
I just stopped.
It wasn't a big... I didn't
have a drinking problem.
I just happened to not drink
for 12 years.
It sounds like more of an issue
but then is,
and I drink a little bit now
but not much.
I think I might give it up again
just to lose weight.
Right, yeah.
Is that what helped you in
the first place losing weight?
No, I stopped eating after 6.
I did 8 for a while
and that was hard.
Shit, we got to go, guys.
The show's over.
How did this show fly
by so fast?
Jimmy Carr, thank you
so much for being here.
You're so fun
and exhausting.
And Matthew Broussard,
thank you for being here.
That's his name. I knew it.
I was going to say,
the guy from Scooby Doo.
Oh, my god.
