WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT'S LOVELY TO BE BACK FROM OUR
EASTER BREAK.
YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME, JON?
>> Jon: GREAT TIME.
>> Stephen: I MISSED THESE
PEOPLE.
>> Jon: I MISSED THEM, TOO,
MAN.
>> Stephen: I LOVE BEING WITH
YOU PEOPLE NIGHT AFTER NIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WHAT DID YOU DO FOR EASTER?
>> Jon: I WAS IN MEXICO.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S MEXICO AND
EASTER LIKE?
>> Jon: IT'S GREAT.
REALLY SPICEY.
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: EASTER'S NOT OVER,
THOUGH.
EASTER ROLLS ON.
WAS IT THIS MORNING?
THIS MORNING AT THE WHITE HOUSE,
THEY HELD THE ANNUAL EASTER EGG
ROLL.
IT'S A TRADITION THAT GOES BACK
TO 1878, BACK WHEN PRESIDENT
RUTHERFORD B. HAYES LET CHILDREN
HUNT FOR EGGS IN HIS BEARD.
( LAUGHTER )
THE PRESIDENT AND THE FIRST LADY
KICKED THINGS OFF WITH THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM.
AND NOTICE WHAT SHE HAS TO NUDGE
HIM TO DO --
♪ OH, SAY CAN YOU SEE... ♪
>> Stephen: AND PUT YOUR HAND
UP!
( LAUGHTER )
DO IT!
DO IT!
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT!
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT!
( PIANO RIFF )
HE FORGOT TO PUT HIS HAND OVER
HIS HEART, HAPPENS TO EVERYBODY.
>> Jon: EVERY TIME.
>> Stephen: WHEN I SAW THAT
FOOTAGE, I
ALMOST FORGOT TO PUT MY HAND
OVER MY FACE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
YET, NOT THE MOST EMBARRASSING
TO HAPPEN AT THE EGG ROLL.
THAT HONOR GOES TO THE OFFICIAL
WHITE HOUSE SNAPCHAT ACCOUNT
THAT SENT OUT THIS SNAP --
FEATURING A BUNCH OF KIDS
GATHERED AROUND THE --
"SECRETARY OF EDUCAT-UON BETSY
DEVOS."
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
YES!
>> Jon: WOW...
>> Stephen: IT'S LIKE BETSY
DeVos ALWAYS SAYS, THERE'S NO
"I" IN EDUCATION, THE WAY I
SPELL IT.
( LAUGHTER )
SO WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME WE
WERE SHOOTING A SHOW?
10 DAYS AGO.
>> Jon: YEAH, YEAH.
>> Stephen: TEN DAYS AGO.
IT WAS THAT NIGHT THAT TRUMP HIT
SYRIA WITH 59 TOMAHAWK MISSILES.
AND, OBVIOUSLY, WHEN YOU'RE
BOMBING ANOTHER COUNTRY, THAT'S
A DECISION YOU TAKE VERY
SERIOUSLY.
HE DID IT IN THE SITUATION ROOM
WITH ALL AVAILABLE INTEL.
JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER )
HE WAS EATING DINNER AT
MAR-A-LAGO WITH THE CHINESE
PRESIDENT, AS HE EXPLAINED IN
THIS HARD-HITTING INTERVIEW WITH
MARIA BARTIROMO.
>> WHEN YOU WERE WITH THE
PRESIDENT OF CHINA, WE ARE
LAUNCHING THESE MILITARY
STRIKES.
WAS THAT PLANNED?
HOW DID THAT COME ABOUT THAT
IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT THEN?
BECAUSE, RIGHT THERE, YOU ARE
SAYING, A REMINDER HERE'S WHO
THE SUPERPOWER IN THE WORLD
IS.
>> YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY
PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR THE ANSWER
TO THIS.
I HAVE HAD -- I HAVE WATCHED
SPECULATION FOR THREE DAYS NOW
ON WHAT THAT WAS LIKE.
>> WHEN DID YOU TELL HIM?
>> BUT I'LL TELL YOU.
>> BEFORE DESSERT?
>> STEPHEN: "WHEN DID YOU DECIDE
TO BOMB THOSE PEOPLE?
BEFORE DESSERT?
AND WHAT'S THE PROPER WINE
PAIRING WITH A CRUISE MISSILE?
A MERLOT?
OR SOMETHING MORE DESSERTY, LIKE
A SAUTERNE?
WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT AGAIN?
WAR?
DO GO ON."
>> I WAS SITTING AT THE TABLE,
WE HAD FINISHED DINNER WE'RE NOW
HAVING DESSERT.
AND WE HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL
PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE THAT
YOU'VE EVER SEEN, AAAAND
PRESIDENT XI WAS ENJOYING IT.
>> STEPHEN: YES, THEY WERE
EATING BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE CAKE.
CLASSIC WAR STORY.
REMINDS ME OF WINSTON
CHURCHILL'S FAMOUS ADDRESS TO
THE BRITISH PEOPLE --
>> WE SHALL FIGHT ON THE
BEACHES, WE SHALL FIGHT ON THE
LANDING GROUNDS, WE SHALL, NYUM
NYUM NYUM.
MMMMMMMM, CAKE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MMM...
SO STIRRING.
SO STIRRING.
( PIANO RIFF )
>> STEPHEN: IN BETWEEN BITES OF
BEAUTIFUL CHOCOLATE CAKE, TRUMP
TOLD THE CHINESE PRESIDENT ABOUT
THE MISSILE STRIKE.
>> SO WHAT HAPPENS IS I SAID,
WE'VE JUST LAUNCHED 59 MISSILES,
HEADING TO IRAQ.
>> WELL, HEADING TO SYRIA.
>> YES, HEADING TOWARD SYRIA.
( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: WHOOPSY-BOMBSIES!
WHOOPSIE CWHOOPSIE CADABRA!
I GOT THE WRONG COUNTRY.
IT'S ADORABLE.
HEY, SOUTH KOREA, BEFORE THE WAR
STARTS, JUST TO BE SAFE, YOU
MIGHT WANT TO BREAK OUT THE
SPRAYPAINT.
( LAUGHTER )
IT'S NOT US!
NOT THEM!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT IT'S EASY FOR TRUMP TO GET
HIS WARS MIXED UP.
BECAUSE, IN AFGHANISTAN, HE JUST
DROPPED SOMETHING CALLED
"THE MOTHER OF ALL BOMBS."
WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DROP
THIS BOMB?
I DON'T KNOW.
I WATCH AMERICAN NEWS, I HAVE NO
IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON IN
AFGHANISTAN.
BUT I DO KNOW THIS --
"MOTHER OF ALL BOMBS" IS A DUMB
NAME AND A REALLY OLD JOKE.
SEE, BACK IN 1991, SADDAM
HUSSEIN THREATENED THAT IF THE
U.S. INVADED IRAQ, IT WOULD BE
THE "MOTHER OF ALL BATTLES."
SO, IN 2003, FOR THE SECOND IRAQ
WAR, WE BUILT OUR LARGEST
NON-NUCLEAR BOMB EVER AND AS A
TAUNT CALLED IT THE MOTHER OF
ALL BOMBS, OR MOAB.
SO, IT'S AN OLD REFERENCE.
THAT'S LIKE DEPLOYING A TANK
THAT SAYS "ON FLEEK."
( LAUGHTER )
ANYTHING IN THE PAST 26 YEARS
WOULD BE A MORE UP-TO-DATE NAME.
HOW 'BOUT "BOMBO NUMBER 5?"
( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, THE PLACE TRUMP
REALLY WANTS TO BOMB IS NORTH
KOREA.
FIRST, NORTH KOREA TESTED A
BALLISTIC MISSILE, SO WE
POSITIONED A CARRIER GROUP OFF
THEIR COAST.
THEN, ON SUNDAY, NORTH KOREA
TRIED TO SHOW THEIR MILITARY
MIGHT BY LAUNCHING ANOTHER
BALLISTIC MISSILE, BUT IT BLEW
UP ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.
I JUST WANT TO SAY SOMETHING TO
NORTH KOREAN DICTATOR KIM
JONG-UN -- IT HAPPENS TO
EVERYBODY.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU GET ALL EXCITED AND WANT TO
PROVE YOUR MANHOOD AND THEN...
BLAMEO.
( LAUGHTER )
NEXT TIME, THINK ABOUT BOMBING
BASEBALL.
AND THE MISSILE FAILURE WAS
ESPECIALLY PAINFUL FOR NORTH
KOREA SINCE IT CAME ON THE HEELS
OF A TRULY AWESOME MILITARY
PARADE.
JUST LOOK AT ALL THOSE TROOPS
MARCHING IN PERFECT UNISON.
THAT'S NOT JUST GOOSESTEPPING.
THAT'S GOT A LITTLE ATTITUDE.
>> Jon: MM-HMM, A LITTLE POP.
>> Stephen: JIMMY, CAN YOU
PLAY THAT AGAIN?
YEAH, THAT'S GOT A LOT OF POP.
GOOSE STEPPING'S JUST THAT, BUT
THIS IS GOT A LITTLE --
( DRUM BEATS )
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING I'D
MAKE A GOOD DICTATOR, I'M JUST
SAYING I'VE GOT THE MOVES.
THANK YOU FOR THAT DRUM WORK.
THANK YOU.
REALLY BACKED IT UP.
TRUMP GOT BACK TO WORK EARLY
THIS MORNING ON THE AREA HE CAN
MAKE THE BIGGEST IMPACT --
TWITTER.
HE KICKED IT OFF BY
LIVE-TWEETING HIS FAVORITE TV
SHOW.
"THE FIRST 90 DAYS OF MY
PRESIDENCY HAS EXPOSED THE TOTAL
FAILURE OF THE LAST EIGHT YEARS
OF FOREIGN POLICY" SO TRUE@"FOX
& FRIENDS."
SO, IF I UNDERSTAND, HE'S
QUOTING FOX AND FRIENDS, QUOTING
HIM, AND THEN AGREEING WITH THE
QUOTE OF HIS QUOTE.
( APPLAUSE )
DO I HAVE THAT RIGHT?
>> Jon: I'M TRYING TO FIGURE
THAT OUT MY SNOOFL AM I HIGH --
>> Stephen: AM I HIGH RIGHT
NOW OR HAVE I JUST BEEN HUFFING
PURE TRUMP FOR TOO LONG?
YOU CAN TELL IF SOMEBODY'S BEEN
HUFFING TRUMP BECAUSE THEY HAVE
THAT BRONZER RING AROUND THEIR
MOUTH.
TOO MANY OF TODAY'S KIDS HAVE
THE BRONZER RING.
( LAUGHTER )
TRUMP ALSO WEIGHED IN ON
TOMORROW'S SPECIAL ELECTION IN
GEORGIA, SAYING, "THE SUPER
LIBERAL DEMOCRAT IN THE GEORGIA
'CONGRESSIO-AL' RACE TOMORROW
WANTS TO PROTECT CRIMINALS,
ALLOW ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION AND
RAISE TAXES!"
THAT'S RIGHT.
CONGRESSIO-AL.
SOMEONE'S BEING TUTORED BY BETSY
DEVOS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
( BAND PLAYING )
JENNIFER HUDSON IS HERE. BUT
WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL BE OVER
THERE TALKING ABOUT ALEX JONES.
STICK AROUND.
