In the 1990s, a Canadian college student who gave her name only as Alana started a web site as an online group for lonely people.
On her page, people could commiserate and offer support to others like her who had never had a serious relationship.
She called it “involuntary celibacy”
and later shortened it to the portmanteau “incel.”
The group started off well, and was a means to offer advice and encouragement
to those like her who, for various reasons, were getting no luck in dating.
So why are we discussing incels here?
Well, despite the auspicious beginnings to Alana's project, the term has taken on a life of its own.
Before we get into that, though, it is important to stress: it is okay to feel lonely.
It is also okay – and helpful – to talk about your feelings of loneliness
with a positive group of people who can listen to and support you.
If Alana's original community had remained true to this ideal, we wouldn't be talking about it here.
Now, there are numerous incel forums all over the internet,
and far from being the supportive community they used to be,
they have become avenues in which men – women are almost never allowed – no longer seek support or encouragement
but instead lay the blame on women for their lack of success in relationships.
Their lack of luck in finding relationships, according to them, is the root cause of their problems
and if women aren't giving them the companionship they need,
then their problems are, by their logic, the fault of women.
The most obvious problem with this line of thinking, of course, is that it overlooks one teensy little detail
women are people, and don’t owe men relationships.
No, not even to the guy who held the door open for her that one time.
Just as men get to decide that they don’t want to date someone for whatever reason they wish, women get to do the same.
What a concept.
They come up with all sorts of reasons to explain their lack of success,
which usually boil down to superficial attributes such as physical appearance, height, wealth, and so on.
And while it is true that these things can affect a person’s dating prospects,
blaming lack of success entirely on these things overlooks a few very important details.
First, women aren’t some monolithic entity.
Everyone has different ideas as to what they find attractive.
Sure, some women prefer taller men, but some prefer shorter men, and some don’t care in the least about height.
After all, men have very different tastes in women, so why should women all have the same taste in men?
Also, physical attraction can be affected by all sorts of different factors.
People posting in incel forums seem to have no trouble believing that a man’s wealth can affect his attractiveness to women,
but somehow can’t believe that things like sense of humor, generosity, or intelligence could have the same effect.
I mean, look around.
There are plenty of men who aren’t rich or tall or conventionally attractive but nonetheless are able to find women willing to date them.
But it goes further than that.
It is often not so much relationships they crave, but sex.
And again, they blame women for their lack of sex, as though women exist solely to provide sex to men.
In fact, even the language they use serves to dehumanize women.
Women are referred to as “femoids.”
And that’s when they’re being polite.
They simply don’t see women as humans worthy of sharing in an equal partnership,
but only as objects to be used for sex.
The worst part of this is that the constant blame of women has led to several cases in which self-described incels have targeted women for mass murder,
including the infamous Stoneman Douglas High School shooting in Parkland, Florida in 2018.
Far from distancing themselves from the violence, those in incel forums often praise the perpetrators,
going so far as to refer to them as “saints” when referencing them.
And when they’re not praising mass murder, many will discuss rape as though it shouldn’t be a crime at all.
Since women, according to their worldview, exist only to provide sex to men,
then it shouldn’t be a crime to take it from them by force.
So what is the solution?
If you are feeling frustrated because of your lack of success in dating,
then it is important to have a positive outlet for those feelings,
whether it be family, a group of friends, or a licensed therapist.
It can help with the healing to be able to express these difficult emotions in a supportive environment.
However, it is equally important to realize that neither sex nor a relationship is going to fix your problems.
If you are feeling depressed, there is almost certainly a lot more going on that is causing it.
Many incels who either succeed in finding a relationship or in having sex are disappointed to discover that their feelings remain unchanged.
And because their problems are not solved as they thought they would be,
they often, once again, blame the women for not fulfilling that need.
Don’t fall into that trap of blaming others.
Not only is it unfair to women to place your burden on them, but it
is kinda whiny.
Hardly an attractive trait.
Take ownership of your lot in life.
It’s very empowering to be able to do so.
You can focus on self-improvement,
but don’t do so simply because you think it will attract women.
Do so with self-improvement itself as the end goal.
Even if it doesn’t lead to a relationship, it will help you learn to be more happy and fulfilled even if you’re not in a relationship.
And here’s the ironic thing.
The happier and more fulfilled you are,
the more attractive you will become, without even trying.
