I COULD BE A
POLITICIAN LIKE THAT --
(SNAP)
-- BUT A POLITICIAN COULD NEVER
DO MY JOB, WHICH IS WHY EVERYONE
SHOULD LISTEN TO MY CURE FOR
ObamaCare, AND THAT BRINGS
US TO TONIGHT'S --
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: PRESIDENT OBAMA I
DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO BE OUT HERE
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Stephen: THANKS SO MUCH!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
PRESIDENT OBAMA, I'M THRILLED
YOU'RE HERE BUT I DID NOT EXPECT
YOU FOR ANOTHER THREE MINUTES.
>> STEPHEN, YOU HAVE BEEN TAKING
A LOT OF SHOTS AT MY JOB.
I DECIDED I'M GONNA GO AHEAD
AND TAKE A SHOT AT YOURS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF THE WAY
WHAT PART OF THE SEGMENT ARE WE
IN NOW?
WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO BE DOING?
>> Stephen: I WAS ABOUT TO DO
"THE WORD," SIR.
>> "THE WORD."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
HOW HARD CAN THIS BE?
I'M JUST GOING TO SAY WHATEVER
YOU WERE ABOUT TO SAY.
>> Stephen: OKEY-DOKE.
OKAY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NATION -- NATION, INSTEAD OF THE
WORD, LET'S MAKE THIS A LITTLE
MORE PRESIDENTIAL,
WHICH BRINGS US TO TONIGHT'S
"DECREE"...
(PLAYING "HAIL TO THE CHIEF,"
THEN CLANG)
... TO HEALTH IN A HAND BASKET.
NATION, AS YOU KNOW, I, STEPHEN
COLBERT, HAVE NEVER CARED FOR
OUR PRESIDENT.
(LAUGHTER)
THE GUY IS SO ARROGANT, I BET HE
TALKS ABOUT HIMSELF IN THE THIRD
PERSON.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BUT EVEN I HAVE TO ADMIT THAT
ObamaCare IS THE LAW OF THE
LAND.
AND WHILE IT'S BEEN POLITICALLY
DIVISIVE, THERE ARE THINGS THAT
PEOPLE FROM BOTH PARTIES LIKE
ABOUT ObamaCare.
(LAUGHTER)
FOR INSTANCE, THAT CHILDREN CAN
STAY ON THEIR PARENTS' POLICIES
UNTIL AGE 26.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NEARLY 7 MILLION PEOPLE SIGNED
UP LAST YEAR AND ALMOST
1 MILLION MORE HAVE SIGNED UP IN
JUST THE PAST FEW WEEKS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NOW, NATION THE QUESTION IS HOW
DO YOU STOP SOMETHING
THAT MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE
STARTING TO LIKE?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
WELL, FIRST OFF, NOW THAT THE
REPUBLICANS CONTROL BOTH THE
HOUSE AND THE SENATE, THEY COULD
PASS A BILL REPEALING
ObamaCare.
BUT THE PRESIDENT STILL HAS THE
VETO.
AND IF I KNOW THAT GUY, HE'S
WILLING TO USE IT.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND LET'S FACE IT. EVEN IF
REPUBLICANS SOMEHOW DID REPEAL
IT, THEY'D HAVE TO REPLACE IT
WITH THEIR OWN HEALTHCARE PLAN.
(LAUGHTER)
AND ONCE THEY TOUCH IT, THEY OWN
IT.
THEN IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG,
SUDDENLY EVERYBODY WILL BE
COMPLAINING ABOUT MITCH
McCONNELL-CARE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
OF COURSE, ANOTHER STRATEGY IS
TAKING ObamaCare TO THE
SUPREME COURT AND TRYING TO GET
IT THROWN OUT.
BUT LAST TIME WE TRIED THAT, IT
DIDN'T WORK.
I BELIEVE THERE'S ONLY ONE SURE
FIRE WAY TO KILL THIS THING.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
WE HAVE TO MAKE SIGNING UP FOR
ObamaCare UNAPPEALING TO
YOUNG PEOPLE.
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WE CAN SCARE THEM AWAY BY
REMINDING THEM THAT LAST YEAR'S
WEB SITE ROLLOUT WAS A LITTLE
BUMPY.
(LAUGHTER)
REMEMBER THE ORIGINAL
HEALTHCARE.GOV WEB SITE?
I THINK THAT'S WHERE DISNEY GOT
THE IDEA FOR "FROZEN."
(LAUGHTER)
NOW, THE NEW WEB SITE WORKS, AND
MOST YOUNG PEOPLE CAN GET
COVERED FOR LESS THAN $100.
BUT HOW'S THE PRESIDENT GOING TO
GET THAT MESSAGE OUT TO THE
KIDS?
(APPLAUSE)
HE COULD TRY TO APPEAL TO THEM
DIRECTLY THROUGH A SPEECH OR A
PRESS CONFERENCE, BUT YOUNG
PEOPLE DON'T WATCH REAL NEWS
SHOWS LIKE THIS ONE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THEY WATCH COMEDY SHOWS, AND I
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THEY WATCH COMEDY SHOWS, AND I
JUST DON'T SEE THE PRESIDENT
GOING ON ONE OF THOSE.
THEY'RE BENEATH HIS DIGNITY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
BESIDES, EVEN IF HE DID GET HIS
MESSAGE ACROSS, YOUNG PEOPLE
DON'T THINK THEY NEED ANY
INSURANCE.
AFTER ALL, THEY'RE YOUNG!
THEY DON'T REALIZE THAT EVERYONE
EVENTUALLY GROWS OLDER...
AT SOMETIMES A FASTER RATE
THAN OTHERS.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
AND THAT'S THE DECREE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.
