-Let's get to the news.
Iran's foreign minister toda
criticized Trump's strike
on a military leader
and said Trump is showing he is,
"prepared to commit war crimes."
Well, that's not really fair
He doesn't prepare for anything.
[ Laughter ]
Willing to commit war crimes
maybe.
[ Laughter ]
Senator Bernie sanders
is reportedly considering
using private jets to fly
to early primary states
during President Trump's
impeachment trial
before returning to Washington
to resume work in the morning.
Do you know how crazy that is?
Bernie Sanders might have to use
a private jet.
This is a guy who thinks eve
boarding Group B is for the 1%
[ Laughter ]
[ As Bernie Sanders ]
I'll be back with Group D!
According to the latest numbers,
former Vice President Joe Bide
spent 11 days in Iowa
last month.
It was only supposed to be
a weekend,
but he got lost in a corn maze
[ Laughter and applause ]
Republican Congressman
Paul Gosar is facing criticism
after sharing a Photoshopped
image of former President Obam
posing with the president
of Iran on Twitter
with the caption,
"The world is a better place
without these guys in power.
Though if I were Paul Gosar,
I think I could find
a better use for Photoshop
[ Laughter ]
There you go, Paul.
There you go, bud.
[ Applause ]
"Jeopardy!" held the first round
of its "Greatest of All Time
tournament tonight.
So of course Kanye
shoved his way in.
[ Laughter ]
Hallmark announced today that it
will be cutting 400 jobs
from its greeting card business.
Even worse,
the way they announced it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Disney is facing accusations
that it secretly altered
one of its animated films
from 1942
to remove clips showing
the character Goofy smoking,
even crazier, after sex.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Officials in Germany have
started using
unsold Christmas trees as treats
for zoo animals.
Says zoo animals,
"Or you could just let us go."
[ Laughter ]
The bathroom fixture brand
Kohler has come out with
a shower head that feature
a built-in Amazon Alexa
smart speaker.
So get ready to hear a lot of --
-Ma'am, stop, this is not
what I'm used for.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
And finally, today was
Nicolas Cage's 56th birthday
Directions to his party can be
found on the back
of the Declaration
of Independence!
[ Laughter ]
