 
Mom, I'm Trans

By Rebecca Flannery

Copyright 2019 Rebecca Flannery

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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## Forward

It's been six years since I finished Mom, I'm Gay. I've been working on this book, Mom, I'm Trans, in much the same manner as the first one: during summer breaks and time off from my teaching job. It is a work of fiction, with characters that I've created from my imagination, although I've spent hours talking to transgender men and women. I can't thank them enough for being willing to share their experiences with me. I hope Alex and Juanita will strike the reader as amazing people, just like the transgender folks I've met. Some of the characters in this story were also in Mom, I'm Gay, and some are new. I hope I've created a story that fosters acceptance and understanding of the transgender community, and all of the LGBTQ+ community. After reading it, if you wish to donate to a supportive organization, consider FreedHearts, the Human Rights Campaign, or another similar group. The lives of some of the characters will continue as I begin work on my next novel, Mom, I'm Bi. Perhaps it won't take me as long to write, since I've just retired from teaching.

Special thanks to my family, especially my husband, and my friends for their patience with me and for understanding that sometimes my mind is with my characters. Special thanks to Cheri Blastick for the amazing help with editing.

Chapter 1

Even before Marshall opened the front door, I could hear the two dogs begin barking just after the doorbell rang, and I could smell the delicious aroma of dinner cooking. When tall, dark, absolutely gorgeous Marshall opened the door, there they were, two little dogs jumping up on the storm door and trying to get to me.

"Siegfried! Roy! You boys stop it now! Sit and wait for Mara to come in! Of course she'll pet you!" Marshall was trying to calm them down.

Surprisingly, the dogs obeyed him and took a few steps back from the door. Their little fluffy bodies exploded with energy in the form of their wagging tales, as they sat and waited for me to come in, but as soon as I bent down to pet them, they lost their composure and began licking my hands and face like a cat with her newborn kittens. The one-year-old canine brothers enthusiastically greeted me. I took some time to pet those furry miniature Australian shepherds with their startling blue eyes.

Siegfried was mainly black and white with a few light brown patches, while Roy had more brown and white with a few black patches. Bob and Marshall had adopted them when they moved into the house nearly a year ago. When I finally stood to greet Marshall, I gave him a little hug, as a suntanned and freshly highlighted Bob came into the foyer.

"Mara! I'm so glad you're here. We can't wait to tell you our news!" Bob was wearing a yellow apron with bold black letters, "I'm the head chef," and it was true. He was amazing in the kitchen. He was also the son of the man I had recently fallen in love with. But I had met Bob first.

"I can't wait to hear it!" I replied as I gave him the same little squeeze.

"Let's sit in the living room," suggested Marshall. "Dinner won't be ready for a little while."

It still felt strange to me when I came to my old house, which wasn't mine any more, and it felt even stranger with their furniture, not mine, in the living room. Much of the first floor furniture was decorated similarly to the way it was when I had lived in the house, but this was the one room Bob and Marshall had really improved – and made their own. They had changed the color from a creamy off-white to a striking dark turquoise, and their white leather sofa stood out nicely against it like billowy clouds against a deep blue sky. They had chosen a printed rug to lay over the old hardwood floors that brought out the color of the walls as well as the two pale gray wingtip armchairs, in front of which there were matching dog beds that blended in well with the rug. Siegfried and Roy had settled into them after my exuberant greeting. The three end tables, one in between the chairs, and the others on each side of the couch, were chrome – an unexpected glimmer of silver shining in the room, and the lamps were modern blown glass bases composed of a variety of colors found elsewhere in the room, topped with custom shades that tied it all together. On one wall, they had hung enlarged personal photographs of themselves from all the way back to the time they were infants to current day. The way the photos were arranged was quite interesting to the observer. To the far left were pictures of Marshall, and to the far right, pictures of Bob, at different stages of their childhoods, and as the space came together in the middle, there were pictures of them together over the past eight years they had been together. It was arranged in a diamond-shaped collage that was stunning to the beholder. They were such a beautiful couple!

And I stood, looking at those photos, instead of tuning into Marshall and Bob. But they waited patiently, because by now they knew I frequently drift like that, and also because it was fairly common for their guests to become mesmerized by their wall of photos when they entered this stunning room. When I finally turned my attention to them, I could see they were anxiously, patiently, waiting to share something exciting.

"Oh, I've done it again, haven't I? Tuned out to look at that wonderful wall of pictures of you two!"

"No problem, Mara!" Bob started enthusiastically, and Marshall finished. "Actually, the wall is going to need rearranging after we share our news with you."

I couldn't imagine how their good news could affect the wall of pictures until they joined hands and went to stand in front of the collage in the center, with Marshall on the left and Bob on the right, just as the pictures were arranged. They tilted their heads together and Marshall said, "Just imagine a shot just like this" – as they put their arms around each other and Bob said, "taken on our wedding day!"

I shrieked joyfully and stepped into give them a group hug. "Really??!! When?"

"Of course, we'll both be wearing tuxes! We'll give you all the details another time, not at dinner tonight," Bob said. "And I better get back to the kitchen. By the way, we haven't told my dad, yet."

Now that really surprised me! Why they would tell me before telling Jim – who was moving to this very city next month, I couldn't imagine. Bob left me there with Marshall and no explanation.

"Why haven't the two of you told Jim?" I asked. "You know I talk to him every day...and you know I'll just have to tell him!"

Marshall nodded as he spoke. "Yes, we know that, Mara. We actually wanted to tell you first, because we knew how you would react. But we really aren't sure Jim will feel the same way."

I had not expected to hear that. Jim had never been anything but accepting of their relationship since I had known, and fallen in love, with him. Briefly, though, a small part of my heart swelled because they knew beyond a doubt I'd be happy for them. That meant a great deal to me. But that joy quickly faded as I thought about their reluctance to tell Bob's father.

As if he were reading my thoughts, Marshall said, "I know he's always shown approval toward us. But the two of us getting married might be a different story, Mara. You know how it's going in this country. Even after the Supreme Court ruling, some states, and some people, are far more accepting than others. Some states still don't easily recognize marriages performed in other states. We just aren't sure how Jim will take it." He stopped there as Bob re-entered the room carrying a platter of delicious looking bruschetta.

As he offered it to me, he smiled charmingly as he said, "That's why we thought you might be the best one to tell him. I know he's my father, but you know we weren't really close at all until after my mother died...really, until he met you, Mara! It just might be easier on him if you brought it up."

Softly, Marshall added, "You know, it would really break our hearts, Bob's especially, if Jim doesn't share the joy you've just shown." He made a little sigh, then brightened up as he said, "Don't these look wonderful!"

I took a small napkin from the platter and a piece of bruschetta, complete with a small basil leaf on the top, as I wondered to myself how that conversation would go. I didn't have time to really ponder the thought as Siegfried and Roy had suddenly become very attentive to the food that had just entered the room. I slowly started to inch out of the living room toward the dining room with the bruschetta, because I didn't want to risk dropping a piece on their dazzling white couch. "Can we eat these in the dining room or kitchen? I don't want to spill on the sofa."

Bob shook his head and raised his eyebrow. "That's your reaction to our asking you to tell my dad we're getting married?"

I giggled. "Actually, I'm honored, very honored, that you are allowing me to tell him. I can't wait to hear his reaction, but I think it will be the same excitement I am feeling. You know one of the reasons he's moving here, besides being with me, of course, is that this is a more accepting state."

They nodded; they had known that. "But," Bob said, "I don't know if he's really thought down the road on this." He paused before he continued. "I remember that jump rope rhyme the girls recited on the playground when I was in elementary school..." Upon hearing this, Marshall looked completed baffled. Bob continued by quoting the rhyme: "First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage."

Marshall laughed out loud when Bob finished. It was that deep, sonorous laugh that I truly loved hearing. "Little girls actually said that on the playground? I never heard such a thing!"

"Well, I used to love watching the girls jump rope, and I loved that rhyme. You must realize I wasn't exactly part of the sports crew on the playground! And you know I am hoping we have a baby or two, Marshall." Bob grew quiet after he said that. I was watching the two of them, kind of feeling like I didn't need to be there. Finally, I broke the silence.

"A baby in my house! Oh, I meant your house! That would be splendid!" I looked at Marshall, who was vigorously nodding his head in agreement.

"I think," he said seriously, "it's the baby part and Jim's reaction to that... Bob is a bit more concerned about that than the actual wedding/ we're getting married part."

"You two don't need to worry about that! It would be my honor to talk to him, and I'm sure he would be delighted to become a grandfather! Perhaps I'll tell him on the phone tonight."

The buzzer went off in the kitchen, signaling something was done, and Bob hurried out of the dining room to take care of dinner.

"Want some help?" Marshall called after him.

"In a little while, you can both come and help carry things into the dining room," Bob called back. The worry had gone out of his voice, and Marshall and I each helped ourselves to another piece of bruschetta. Just then, the doorbell rang.

Marshall said, "Keep this just between you and Jim, okay, Mara? We'll announce it to the rest of the world soon enough. I'm not sure about how Winston will react, either." He left me standing in the dining room as he answered the door. Until Marshall had mentioned him, I hadn't realized the dinner invitation had included Winston, Marshall's cousin, and now I heard Lily's voice, too. I felt a flash of sadness that both Marshall and Bob were full of excitement about getting married, but at the same time worried about how others would react. I really didn't believe they had anything to be concerned about with either Jim or Winston, but I wasn't positive about that, either. I knew from being the mother of a gay son, people reacted strongly when least expected.

"Mara!" Lily called out. "I didn't know you were going to be here tonight! What about Jim, is he here, too?"

Lily and I don't see each other all that often these days, but we try to get together for lunch about once a month, sometimes with Bob and Marshall, and sometimes just the two of us. Lily knows Bob's father and I are dating very seriously and that he is moving here soon. She's busier these days than she used to be because she had actually taken a job. I'm pretty sure it's a volunteer job, but that doesn't mean it isn't an important job, and after not working for so many years, it's wonderful to see Lily involved in something so meaningful. She works at a parenting help and transition-to-work center for single mothers. From what she's told me, her time is spent in a variety of ways, from answering the center's phone and giving out information on parenting, to working with the young women to help them prepare for interviews. Her favorite part seems to be helping them put together clothes to wear to their interviews, and advising them on how to dress for the various jobs they get. She takes them to resale shops and helps them select interview attire. Sometimes, I am sure she brings them clothes from her own closet, or clothes she has purchased for them, and she loves to help them with hair and makeup, too.

"No, Jim's not here, but he will be here permanently soon enough!" I answered, as I saw Winston follow Marshall into the dining room, taking a piece of bruschetta before even greeting me. Then he looked at me sheepishly, gave me an awkward hug, and said, "Sorry, Mara! I'm starving!" With that, he popped the entire piece in his mouth. "Mmmm –mmm good!!" he said when he had finally swallowed it. Then he gave me a squeeze and asked, "How are you doing?"

Lily and Winston had been dating for about sixth months now, and she was responsible for Marshall and his cousin finding each other after many years, although when it happened she was completely oblivious to the fact they were related. She had met him at church, and had asked Marshall if she could bring a guest to Thanksgiving last November. Marshall and Winston had both been shocked to see each other, but their reunion had turned to a happy one very quickly.

After recalling that day, I came back to the present. "I'm doing fine, Winston!" I told him. I was about to ask him what was new when the doorbell rang again. Lily and I were surprised there was another guest coming, not having noticed how many place settings were on the table, but Winston said, "I bet that's Mayabelle."

Marshall had nearly walked out of the dining room and back to the kitchen, but upon hearing the doorbell, he did an about face and hurried back to the foyer. Soon enough, I heard him. "Mayabelle! I can't believe you're here."

In a hushed voice, Lily put her hand on her hip and looked at Winston and said, "Winston, you knew Mayabelle was coming tonight, but you forgot to mention that to me?"

And I tried to imitate Lily as I put my hand on my hip and whispered as I looked at each of them, "Lily. Winston. Who on earth is Mayabelle?" I looked first at Lily, then at Winston, for an answer.

Just then, Marshall and a very tall woman wearing a long, bright orange dress came into the dining room. I didn't know her. She and Marshall were holding hands and the woman, apparently named Mayabelle, had tears streaming down her dark chocolate-colored face and was smiling at the same time. Seeing both the tears and the smile made me think it was like seeing a rainbow on a human face. As I looked at her, I saw that Mayabelle's face had similarities to both Winston and Marshall, with the same high cheekbones and the shape of her lips. But her hair! Oh, what glorious hair she had! It was shiny, jet black and very curly, and it cascaded down past her shoulders halfway to her waist. This beautiful head of hair was unlike either Marshall, who kept his hair closely cropped, in spite of once admitting he had had dreadlocks in college, or Winston, who shaved his head bald.

"Hey, bro,'" she said softly to Winston, and I watched her give his hand a little squeeze. Now I was putting it together. Mayabelle was Winston's sister, one of the five cousins Marshall had lived with when he was a child after his mother had died. He had told me about his aunt's and female cousins' acceptance, and his uncle's and male cousins' rejection when they learned he was gay, and how he had lost track of them after he left for college. When they were reunited back in November, because of Lily, the first words out of Winston's mouth were an apology for the way he had treated Marshall for being gay, and the desire to make up for it. I knew that had paved the way for them to re-establish a relationship. And now, here was Mayabelle, another cousin, and she, too, was clearly delighted to see him. Marshall had told me a little about his cousins.

I watched as Mayabelle first turned to Lily and greeted her, then to me and said, "You must be Mara!" She extended her hand, which I took in both of mine and nodded. Without waiting for me to speak, she turned back to Marshall and asked about Bob. Marshall turned to the rest of us and said, "Excuse us for a few minutes," and he ushered her into the kitchen. Lily, Winston and I were left in the dining room, and it seemed that at the same time, we all realized we didn't feel we should eavesdrop on the conversation between the three of them, so we each started a conversation at the same time.

Lily: "I just have to tell you, Mara –"

Winston: "So, Mara, when is Jim –"

And me: "Winston, I haven't seen you since –"

We all stopped at the same time and giggled at our attempts to converse, all of it pretty uninspired.

"All right, let's forget about the small talk," I said. "Instead, let's figure out where we are sitting tonight." And as we looked at the table, we realized there was still one more place setting.

"Do you know who else is coming?" Lily asked.

Winston shook his head. "Mayabelle has a boyfriend, or maybe he's her husband. I'm really not sure which. Maybe he's joining her later?" Winston guessed.

"Well, I didn't even know she was coming," Lily tried to say this with a fake whine. She knew Winston was a rather quiet guy, so it probably didn't surprise her that he had failed to mention it.

They were a funny couple, Lily and Winston. For ten years, Lily had been married to a white man, and had refused to live or acknowledge herself as a black woman. She was light-skinned. Race just wasn't an issue she would discuss, either with her friends or even with her son, Danny, who was now twelve. Until recently, we were only casual acquaintances. I had known her for years and hadn't even realized she was black; instead, I thought she went to a tanning salon on a regular basis to keep her lovely, golden skin tone. When she and I managed to forge a relationship after the horrible thing she had done to my Jonathan, I got to know her a lot better. She became very open to expanding her own views about many topics. Regarding sexuality, she had drastically changed from being homophobic to an avid LGBTQ supporter. Prior to that transformation, she had divorced her husband after discovering he was seeing other men, and she had spent years feeling very angry about the entire topic, but after getting to know Marshall and Bob, and I'd also like to think after we became friends, she became much more accepting. She now openly accepts her ex-husband and has fostered a healthy relationship between him and Danny. Previously, she had blocked it any way she could. At the same time, she began embracing her race for the first time in years. Danny got to meet his grandparents, her mother and father, for the first time! Lily had begun attending church again, a very large black church, which was where she and Winston had met. Winston didn't know the former Lily, and it was an interesting dynamic that brought them close in a short time.

Winston had long felt guilty about the way he and his brothers and father had teased Marshall, something he had joined in but didn't really know why Marshall was such an object of ridicule. After Marshall had left and Winston had begun to mature, he understood how Marshall was different. He realized how wrongly Marshall had been treated, and felt that it was simply not very Christ-like to reject someone who was different. On their first date, Lily had shared her experience with her first husband, and explained how she had come to realize her rejection of his gayness was not fair. Winston had told her about his cousin, but never mentioned him by name. It hadn't occurred to either of them that Lily actually knew his cousin, but it was their unique experiences of evolving to a place of acceptance that had brought them together in a unique and caring relationship.

As I pondered these things, Lily and Winston had started talking to each other as they saw me drift into my thoughts. Like Bob and Marshall, they knew this was just part of me. I drifted back in time to hear Lily ask him, "Have you met him?" I assumed he was referring to Mayabelle's husband/boyfriend.

Before Winston could even manage to open his mouth, the door between the dining room and kitchen swung open, and a parade of food appeared, carried by Marshall, Bob, and Mayabelle. Each of them had a large platter, overflowing with delectable dishes, and Bob looked up at me as he set his platter on the table. "Can you give me a hand with some more?"

"Of course, I can!" I gladly followed him back into the kitchen, salivating just a little because the meal smelled incredibly delicious.

As we entered the kitchen. I couldn't believe the amount of food he had prepared! The first three platters had been main courses. There was a whole chicken, roasted to golden perfection. The chicken was surrounded by tiny roasted potatoes. Then there was the platter of flank steak, already sliced and with just the right amount of pink in the center of each slice. It was arranged on a bed of raw spinach. Finally, there was a platter of white fish, probably sole, covered in toasted, slivered almonds and surrounded by lemon wedges. He handed me a bowl of whole green beans for one hand, and another filled to the brim with aromatic jasmine rice, with a melting pat of butter in the center and just a little salt and pepper sprinkled on top. He picked up a basket of freshly baked and already sliced bread in one hand, and with his free hand, he reached for the final serving bowl, which was filled with a mixture of sautéed sliced mushrooms and onions. He backed out of the kitchen and held the door for me to walk through.

"This is just amazing, Marshall!" Lily said it first, and Mayabelle nodded in agreement. Winston pulled out a chair next to him for Lily, then looked at Bob.

"Do you care where we sit?"

Marshall shook his head no, but then looked at Mayabelle. "Hey, where's Richard?"

"I'm so sorry, Marshall. I should have told you when I came in. He's not coming – he's staying home with Marshall, who's not feeling well."

Bob gave a double take – his familiar eyebrow raised. Marshall looked totally confused, but Winston simply nodded and asked, "What's wrong with the little fellow?"

"Probably just some teething, but he was so cranky, I couldn't leave him with the sitter. Richard knew I really wanted to come tonight, so he insisted I come alone while he stayed home with Marshall."

We were all piecing the story together, except, of course, Winston, who clearly already knew. Finally, Marshall broke the silence and exclaimed, "You have a baby!! Mayabelle!! And if I am understanding this, his name is Marshall?"

"Yes, that's right, Marshall. I named my son after you." Her eyes filled with tears, and when I looked at Marshall, I saw he had tears in his eyes, too. "He's ten months old, and I have to be honest, we often call him Marshmallow, even though we know we can't keep calling him that when he gets older. He looks like a gooey, toasted marshmallow to us! I simply can't wait for you to meet him. And Richard, too...his dad, and my husband. Before I tell you any more, can we sit down to this amazing meal?"

I noticed that Bob was glowing when she said this. He had clearly put a great deal of effort into the meal, even more than usual. He nonchalantly removed the extra chair and set the extra plate and silverware on the buffet before he pulled out the chair at the end of the table, and Marshall sat down at the other end, opposite him. Mayabelle sat next to me on one side of the table, closest to Marshall, and Winston and Lily on the other. As was always Bob and Marshall's custom, we joined hands to say a quick grace before diving into to the delicious meal.

Chapter 2

Of course, there were so many questions that Marshall wanted to ask Mayabelle, but first we kept the conversation on the meal before us. Mayabelle began.

"Marshall, is this the way you eat every night? Winston told me Bob was quite an amazing cook, but this looks like something out of a magazine!"

"Wait until you taste it!" Lily had already sampled the mashed potatoes, and the look on her face was pure bliss. "Winston, you have some explaining to do, though. You never told me about Mayabelle coming tonight! How could you have kept that from me?"

"Pass those potatoes over here, Lily, and don't you know I'm not the most talkative man in the room? I did tell Mayabelle about your cooking, though, Bob!"

Marshall looked at Bob, who seemed curious about how Marshall was going to answer Mayabelle's question. In fact, they did not eat at home all that often and they definitely did not have huge meals like this one every night, but when they were entertaining, this was the norm, and Bob did most of the cooking. That was exactly what Marshall told her.

"Richard will be very disappointed to hear what he missed." She checked her phone and added, "He's just texted me that he's trying to give Marsh a bottle right now."

"We'll send a plate home with you, but we do want to meet the rest of your family! We want to meet them as soon as we can." This came from Bob, whom I realized must have not expected to meet much of Marshall's family when they first got together. Today, he had met another cousin, and learned of her family, too. I could see he was thrilled for Marshall as he continued, "My dad is moving here very soon. He and Mara are together."

I was surprised at the way Bob blurted this out, but it was clear he was saying it in a positive light, which it definitely was for me. I was crazy about his father. After being a widow for thirteen years, I had met Jim, and now he was a really important part of my life. My mind took a trip toward the conversation I planned to have with him later today, when I told him about Marshall and Bob getting married, but I was quickly drawn back into the conversation when I heard Marshall say, "Mayabelle, catch me up on the rest of the family, tell me about yourself, and tell me about Richard, and PLLLLEEEEAAASSSSEEEE tell me about little Marshall!"

And at that point, we learned the story of Mayabelle. For the next half hour, in between eating, she showed us pictures on her phone, mostly of Marshall and Richard, but also of her siblings. She stopped to eat a little, and resumed talking as she told us her story. Each of us asked a question here and there. We learned that Mayabelle had gone to the same state university my Jonathan was currently attending, and that she was a nurse. "I know it's hard for some people to understand, but I am a hospice nurse, and I love it. "

"I'm not surprised to learn you are a nurse," Marshall interjected. "I remember how caring you always were when one of us felt poorly. You probably had no idea how that felt to me, an orphan cousin! But what drew you to that area of nursing?" Marshall wanted to know. Mayabelle told him with her lilting, melodic voice that was as easy to listen to as Marshall's laugh, but her story was at the same time, hard to hear.

"My mama, your auntie, got very sick soon after you left. She had cancer, first in her breast, then in her brain, and I watched her die, slow and hard. You can imagine my father wasn't very helpful – and if you think he was horrible when you were there, let me tell you, Marshall, he's much worse now as a cranky eighty-year-old man. He's living at an assisted living home, but we'll talk about him another day." She stopped briefly, as we all dug into the food on our plates, and after a short time, she continued. "As I watched my mama die, I just knew there had to be things I could do to help her, but I was only eighteen, and not even out of high school. Near the very end, they sent help from hospice, and I can't tell you how much more peaceful things were once hospice got involved. Those nurses knew so many ways to help my mother, even though she was not going to get well, and they even taught me some things that I was able to do for her, too. Mama and I had some good conversations before she passed, Marshall. And yes, it's hard to hear, I know, but she did tell me that if I ever saw you again, to tell you she was sorry that she hadn't been a better auntie to you, and that she loved you."

Mayabelle paused again as she said this. I don't think any of us had dry eyes. Then she softly added, "She told me some stories about when our mothers were growing up, and I will share them with you another day. She also told me that even before she died, when you were so young, Marshall, your mama had told her there was something very special and different about you. She hoped the world would understand that, because she was afraid your specialness might cause you undeserved grief one day."

I know we all let another tear or two slip out when she told that story, except Marshall, who kept his composure and gently reached over and gave her hand a squeeze. "I bet you are the best hospice nurse! You always took care of us – it's a perfect occupation for you!" I marveled at his ability to stay composed, given the memories this must have stirred up.

"Well, if you don't mind, let's move to a cheerier topic," suggested Bob. "Tell us about Richard..." He looked at Marshall to make sure he wanted to move on, and without saying a word, it was clear.

Mayabelle looked gratefully at Bob, and seemed happy to tell us about her husband. He was a physical therapist whom she had met while doing her clinicals for her nursing degree. They had dated a long time, moved in together, and finally married three years ago, when they both became anxious to start a family. She spoke with such affection about him; it made me wish he had been able to come. Finally, Marshall asked her, Mayabelle, why didn't you just bring them both with you?"

She widened her eyes and smiled broadly as she responded, "You don't know much about babies, do you? I would not be able to eat like this! I would be up and down, and Richard would be, too, and none of you would be enjoying this fabulous meal. And I don't think we would have had any conversations, either! Babies, my dear cousin, take up a lot of attention ALL the time."

Marshall's head bobbed up and down, but I could see from the look in his eyes that he had no comprehension. Bob sat in his chair looking quite anxious. I thought it was because of the conversation we'd had before everyone had arrived, the part about Marshall wanting a baby of their own. I realized neither of them had much experience with babies. Winston, who had no children of his own, just kept gobbling down the incredible food, seemingly oblivious to the momentary interruption in the harmonious atmosphere of the evening, and finally, Lily broke the silence.

"Babies are quite complicated. I remember that I wanted one so badly, and then when Danny arrived, he changed my life in ways that nothing prepared me for. With babies, you can't imagine how much love, and worry, and compassion you feel, literally at first sight. "

I nodded my agreement, and told them how when my daughter, Gabby, was a baby, I would stand over her bassinette to make sure she was still breathing. Once again, Marshall's head bobbed like a bobble head, but I could see he really had no idea what we meant.

At that point, Mayabelle looked at me and said, "Wasn't this your house before they bought it, Mara? Here I've been doing all the talking, and you all know my story, but now I want to hear yours – all of yours. How long have you known my Marshall? How about you, Lily? How did you meet Winston? You know he hasn't told me! I understand you knew Marshall before meeting my brother. And Bob, how did you and my cousin meet?"

She looked at each of us as she asked her questions, and before we were able to answer, Bob broke in, "Could we first make sure everyone has enough food before all you chatterboxes start telling her your stories? Do we want to move to dessert yet, or is everyone still enjoying the main course?"

We decided we were not ready for dessert, and as we all passed around the platters again, this time, I took my time savoring each delicious bite. For the next few minutes, we heaped on lots of compliments to Bob, as Marshall looked on with affection. Then Lily said, "Mayabelle, you really don't want to know my story of meeting Marshall and Bob, and getting to know Mara, too. I'm ashamed to tell you it is pretty outrageous. I'm not thinking you would want to hear that tonight!"

"Yes, I do want to hear it all – I want to get to know all of you!" Then she turned to Marshall and then looked at Bob, and said, "But I have to catch up with my cousin first. Marshall, how did you and Bob meet?" Marshall cleared his throat and began to tell the story, which I had heard before, but I was looking forward to hearing it again.

Chapter 3

"I had just started my job – the one I still have, and I was overwhelmed. I had moved back to this city, where I had grown up, but when I left for college, I was quite different than I am now. For one thing, I left feeling rejected," as he said this, Mayabelle chimed in, "I know, cuz," and Winston also added, "For the way my brothers and I treated you, I don't know how you have a heart big enough to forgive us."

"Not all of us were as bad as you, Dad and our brothers," Mayabelle said so softly that it did not come out as an accusation, just a fact.

"That's true," Winston agreed. "You and Des-Ran always were so good to Marshall. And Mama was, too, of course."

"Des-ran!" Marshall exclaimed. "How is she? Do you have any pictures of her?"

Mayabelle answered, "Yes, I'll find some on my phone before I leave. She was so happy to hear I was coming to see you! I promised her I would take a picture of you, so let's not forget to do that. She's living out in California now, but she wants to come see you when she's in town next time!"

"She keeps in touch with me now and then," Winston added, "even though I was a pretty big jerk as a brother and a cousin when we were growing up." He hung his head a little when he said this, and again repeated, this time looking at both Marshall and Mayabelle, "I really don't know how you have enough heart to forgive me."

In response to this, Marshall earnestly said, "I do forgive you – in fact, I don't really believe you need forgiveness, as much as I need your acceptance, which I know I have."

Mayabelle was quick to add, "Win, you weren't different than anybody else's brothers! Things are changing; you know you've evolved since then. Quit being so hard on yourself."

She looked at Marshall, who nodded in solemn agreement. Then his face brightened as he continued, "But, back to how I met Bob, the love of my life." He paused to gaze at Bob across the length of the table. Bob had a silly smile on his face. He had often told his dad and me how much he loved the way he and Marshall had met. "When I came back to this city, I really didn't wish to rekindle my old friendships. I was afraid of further rejection, so I decided to start a new life with new friends. One of the women I worked with, Candace, welcomed me warmly. She was older, and she had a daughter who was a lesbian, and somehow, it took her about two minutes to make me feel she understood me. Really, she made me feel the way my mama made me feel when I was just a little boy. From the first day, I felt such warmth from her, and she repeatedly asked me if I wanted to go to church with her. She said it was a very special place."

"Stop –"Mayabelle's face indicated she was beside herself – I hoped with joy. "Are you telling me you two met at church?"

At this point, Bob couldn't hold back. With a huge smile, he blurted out, "It's better than that, Mayabelle. We met singing in the choir at church!"

"I was getting to that," Marshall looked across the table at Bob, without the least bit of irritation. "Wasn't I telling our story fast enough?" He smiled broadly.

"Amazing!" Mayabelle exclaimed as she, too, smiled broadly, and when she smiled, there was an unmistaken similarity that she shared with her brother and cousin. She looked at Lily and Winston and remarked, "I suppose you two met at church, too?"

She was clearly not serious, but Winston softly said, "Yes, that's where I met Lily."

And Lily chimed in, "Actually, we did meet at church, but not the same one Marshall and Bob attend."

"Well! This is really a surprise. Richard and I haven't attended church much, but it's becoming important to us now that we have Marshall. I'm especially interested to hear about your church," she nodded to Marshall and Bob. "As an interracial couple, we're going to need a place that's open and accepting. Please tell me where this church is! I have to go."

Now it was my turn to join the conversation. "I want to go, too. I keep thinking I have to ask both of you where this amazing church could possibly be. I know it's amazing because you talk about it all the time, but I just never know when the right time is to ask more about it!" I continued with my own private thoughts, realizing that because of the news they shared with me when I arrived earlier, I would finally have my answers about their church - at the wedding. Now I wasn't going to have to wait, because Mayabelle had opened up the conversation about the church. I would learn more about it tonight.

As Marshall shared the name and told where it was and about some of the special programs it had, Bob and I started stacking the dinner dishes to make way for dessert. He flicked on the coffee maker, which of course he had already prepared, as we set the plates and silverware from dinner in the sink. He asked me to get the bowl of fresh strawberries out of the refrigerator as he lifted the lid off the cake, which he said he and Marshall had baked last night. Before long, we sat back down at the table, in front of a delicious lemon cake, fresh berries, and coffee. As we settled back down, it was Lily's turn to tell about herself. Instead of telling the truly outrageous story about how she had become friends with the three of us, she said she had decided tonight was not the time to share that story, but she was hoping to get some help with a particular problem she was encountering with her job. At this point, Marshall explained to Mayabelle what Lily's work entailed – helping young, single mothers with babies learn about parenting and preparing to enter the workforce. Mayabelle's first question took me by surprise, but Lily's answer was even more unexpected.

"Why is it just for single mothers? Aren't there any single fathers who need that kind of support?" Mayabelle's voice wasn't challenging in nature; she was truly curious. How wonderful, I thought, that without any effort, Mayabelle's question was truly supportive to Bob and, especially, Marshall's, desire to become parents.

Bob's eyebrow rose slightly when she asked this, just as it always did when he questioned or was puzzled by something, and he looked at Lily expectantly for her response. In this very room, not all that long ago, Lily had greatly offended Bob when she had tried to pretend she and I were a couple. It was the first time I had invited Bob and Marshall for dinner, and Lily had nearly ruined my new friendship with them that night. I wondered if Bob was expecting a repeat, given the way he was looking at her.

"Actually, Mayabelle, I'm not sure one if one of my clients is male or female, and I don't know how to help her - or is it him? – dress for interviews. I don't know what to suggest in the way of hair, either, but I am certain I can still help with the interview process, regardless."

"I take it the name is no help?" This was Marshall's question. He set the tone in response to Lily's question – we would all treat her with respect and try to help. I noticed Bob's eyebrow relaxed.

"It's Alex," Lily answered. "I think it could be Alexandra, but maybe it's Alexander. No matter how many times I look at this person, I do not see an answer. I don't feel okay asking, either. I should just know!"

Without thinking at all, I heard myself asking, "Does it matter? How does this person, Alex, dress – as a male or a female? Whatever the answer is to that question, that's how you should help him or her dress for interviewing, right?"

I looked around the table, and saw Bob and Marshall nodding. Mayabelle's face did not give her opinion away, but Lily's face reflected the look of someone saying "Ohhh!" to hear this advice. Winston sat there nodding his agreement, and this quiet man, in a very gentle voice, simply said, "Isn't that what I suggested, Lily?"

"Yes, it is, but I – I thought maybe there was a better answer. " Coming from anyone else, this kind of statement would seem to be a snub toward Winston and his opinion, but those of us who knew Lily understood she truly was trying to figure out the very best answer, and asking lots of opinions helped her arrive at one. Winston clearly took no offense...he knew her well enough by now.

Finally, Bob had something to say. "Lily, dear," he started out patiently, "if this person truly identifies as a male and you try to put them in female attire, wouldn't that be horrible? And vice-versa, if they are female and you suggest male clothing, how offensive would that be? I think the logical solution is to just help them dress well for the interviews, regardless of gender."

Once again, Winston nodded and gently reached out his hand and patted the top of Lily's arm as a show of support.

Lily looked around the table, and her eyes rested on Mayabelle. "Do you see how wonderful it is to know everyone here?"

Mayabelle nodded. "I can see it just in the short time I've been here." She looked at Marshall and continued, "Even as a kid, Marshall was always so understanding and kind. I know exactly what his mama meant about how special he is. Tonight, I can see he's surrounded himself with people who are caring and compassionate. You all seem just as wonderful as he is. I truly have missed you, Marsh."

So Lily had gathered some ideas about how to handle preparing Alex for job interviews, and Mayabelle had an idea of just how special her cousin was. She took a few pictures of the whole group, and asked me to take one of her with Marshall and Bob. She said she couldn't wait to come back with Richard, and Marshall asked if he could expect to meet his little nephew during the coming week.

Before we prepared to leave, Lily said she wanted to add one more thing about her new client. She told us there was just something different about Alex that she couldn't put her finger on, but she wanted to know more, so much more about this young person who was struggling to raise a baby alone with apparently no family support of any kind.

This had been a great night, I thought to myself. It was getting late, and as much as I hated leaving, I couldn't wait to call Jim tonight. I knew that would be a long conversation, and I had to work in the morning. As I rose to leave, Mayabelle joined me.

"I have to go, too, Marshall. I have to get back to my little Marshmallow, and to my Richard. I can't wait to get together with you again – let's do it very soon!" She followed my lead as I gave everyone a little hug and we walked down the sidewalk together.

"Meeting you has been wonderful, Mara," she looked down at me sincerely. Mayabelle was a good four inches taller than me, maybe even more.

"The first time Marshall came here to dinner, back when it was my house, he told me about you and your siblings, Mayabelle. It's unbelievable that he's now reunited with both you and Winston! And the fact that you named your son after him – that's so amazing, too."

As we reached the end of the sidewalk, I gave her a little hug, and told her I was anxious to see her again. I had no idea how soon that would be, but I was sure she would be at the wedding, if I didn't see her before then. I decided not to call Jim from the car. I waited until I was back in my condo, had changed into my nightgown, and was snuggled into bed before I finally dialed his number with great anticipation.

"Hey!" he said softly as he answered on the first ring. "I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me tonight."

"I had dinner at Bob and Marshall's – remember I told you about that? And I met Marshall's cousin, Mayabelle. Before the rest of the guests came, they shared some really exciting news with me."

I paused for a little before continuing, waiting to get a sense of how Jim was going to react. I was quite shocked when he replied without waiting for my big news.

"Are they finally going to get married?" he asked. "I have been waiting for this news for a couple of years now."

Chapter 4

Needless to say, telling him was anticlimactic for me, but the next part of the conversation was even more of a surprise.

"Mara, say something! Don't you approve of this idea? I can't believe you wouldn't be thrilled."

"Oh, no, Jim, it's not that at all. It's just that – I didn't even get to tell you! And your reaction took me by surprise!"

"Really, you didn't think I'd want this for my son? After all the happiness my marriage gave me, why would I not want the same for Bob? Of course, I do. And you feel the same, don't you, Mara?"

"Yes, yes, I do! I think they're hoping to adopt or get a surrogate mother, too."

"Really? I will be a grandfather some day? Oh, Mara! There's only one thing that would make me happier than I already feel about that!" I could hear the joy in his voice and I knew he was genuinely thrilled, but I didn't know what he was talking about. What else could possibly make him that happy?

He paused – and I started to get a very queasy feeling that I was not prepared to hear what came next. But he didn't make me wait long, as he continued, "Do you know what would be even more wonderful than seeing my son get married to a great guy like Marshall, and watching the two of them raise my grandchildren, Mara?" He paused again for the briefest moment, and finally he blurted it out. "It would be having you as the grandmother! Wouldn't that be so awesome, Mara? Will you marry me?"

Now, I knew where Jim and I were heading. I loved him so much and I wanted him to move here. I know at my age it doesn't take as long to "know" when something is right as it does for someone younger, in their twenties or thirties. And I knew that I would love to have a permanent future with Jim. But I was so unprepared for that question on this night, when all I had expected was to gently break the news to him that his son was getting married. I had been unsure about how he was going to react to that, and instead of having a problem with it, he was joyful and exuberant to the point that he had just asked me to marry him! I was so unprepared to hear his proposal, that after staying silent for a few moments I started to cry.

"Oh, Mara, honey, have I upset you? Isn't it the right time yet? I thought it was the perfect time to ask. You know how much I love being with you. I love you. Please don't cry! Please say something."

Finally, I found my voice, and through my sobs I spoke. "I love you, Jim, and I do want to marry you." I said it, without even thinking about the answer. I knew that was what I wanted with this man. "I can't think of anything that would make me happier than being a grandmother to the children of your son and Marshall!"

Of course, this was probably the most unusual marriage proposal anyone has ever experienced, but it felt just perfect to me. We spent the next half hour trying to decide when we would do it, being mindful not to steal Bob and Marshall's thunder by sharing the same news. We even talked about the possibility of getting married the same time Bob and Marshall with a double ceremony. We finally decided that we would not tell Bob and Marshall until after they had their plans all set. We wanted their wedding day to be all theirs, and we would do nothing to take away from their celebration. The only downside I faced as we hung up the phone was that I wasn't going to be able to share my good news with anyone for a while, but I really didn't mind at all. As I thought about it, it was actually perfect that the only one who shared this with me was Jim! I laid in bed that night, basking in the feeling that my life was wonderful. I felt like I was floating on soft clouds of cotton as I drifted off to sleep.

***********

As soon as I arrived at work the next morning, my first phone call came from Lily. She asked if we could meet for lunch later in the week because she wanted to talk to me some more about Alex, the single parent she had discussed with us the previous night. We chose a day and, of course we'd meet at our favorite restaurant, Our Place. I wanted to share my news from the night before with her; actually, I wanted to tell everyone I saw! Jim sent me more texts than usual, but other than that, it was just a normal day at my job as a realtor. It was somewhat of a letdown for me, and I decided to go for a walk on the beach before going home.

I love the beach when it's fairly empty and I can take long walks by the water's edge. It's a wonderful place for me to go and reflect as I take in the sound of the waves and the beauty of the water and sand. During springtime, it's not as busy as the summer; the students are not quite out of school and mainly just the local older folks who have retired or finished their workday are out walking. I found a parking space with little trouble and began my usual ritual, which included removing my shoes to walk on the warm sand. I headed down closer to the water's edge where the ground is moist and firm, and I began my walk.

I had to digest this new chapter in my life, and the beach was one place I could think and pray, and talk to Dick. These days, I realize that my first husband, Dick, was the first love of my life, the father of my children. He's been dead for fourteen years now. I had never dated anyone after he died until my life changed. What, you might wonder, changed? My son told me he was gay, something I had suspected but never asked. I met Bob and Marshall the very next day, and not long after, I met Jim, Bob's father. I had not thought I would ever have a love life again after Dick died, and as I walked along that special area between the soft, rippling ocean waves and warm sand, I found myself thinking about how much things had changed since the day Jonathan had told me.

I had been living in a cocoon – a self-imposed cocoon - for years after Dick died. I was not involved in much other than bringing up my son and daughter and working at selling real estate. I rarely saw friends that Dick and I had shared; in fact, Patrick, a friend from our college days, was really the only one I maintained contact with. I was a passive member of my church. I went most Sundays, but I wasn't involved in many activities. I would not say I was bored, but neither was I really living. Looking back, I tell myself I needed all those years to work through my grief and that was the way I did it.

My one passion was working in my yard. Somehow, working the soil was my way of working out the sadness that filled my heart after losing Dick. It was surprising to me, though, that I didn't miss gardening at all after moving out of the house and into my condo. My life was much fuller now, and container gardening at my new condo was enough for me.

It had taken a very long time to prepare mentally to leave the home Dick and I had created together before he died, but the moment we made the trade – Marshall and Bob bought my home and I bought their condominium – I just knew it had been the right decision. Both my son and daughter, Gabby and Jonathan, were in college, and the big empty house needed more life in it than I would ever have. Hearing that Bob and Marshall were marrying and hoping to raise a family confirmed to me that I had made the right decision, although I truly had not regretted it for a minute.

Having Jim in my life was amazing. We had both loved being married to our spouses, and had suffered through losing them. Jim's wife, Susie, had died of cancer several years earlier, and Jim had not dated anyone until we met. He had not been very involved with Bob and Marshall until after his wife's death, and it was a great regret of his. He'd always left that up to Susie, and he admitted to me that he had been somewhat uncomfortable in his role as the parent of a gay son. All that had changed in the past year, now that he saw the amazing relationship Bob had with Marshall. And after his reaction to the wedding, I knew he was as supportive of his son as I am of mine.

As I walked along, I stumbled across the idea that one of our connections was the satisfaction our first marriages had given each of us. I sat down on the warm, silky soft sand, and let my toes revel in the feeling as I scrunched them back and forth. I looked out at the ocean, a dark blue with soft white caps at the shoreline. I watched the rhythm of the waves as the surf came rolling in over and over again. The peaceful feeling I experienced as I was lulled by this can only be explained as the peace that passes all understanding, which comes from God's presence in our lives. As so often happens when I feel this peace, I was moved to say a silent prayer. 'Thank you, Lord, for the healing love you provide.'

I sat there for a long while before getting up to go home, feeling that indescribable peace and love. Before I left, I felt a knowing tug that God was calling me to a new direction, but I could not imagine what it was.

**********

Later that week when I met Lily for lunch, before we even sat down at Our Place, Lily asked me to talk to Andrea about volunteering at the Center. She looked at me and asked if I thought Andrea might be able to help her with her special young parent, Alex.

"Why are you thinking of Andrea?" I was rather surprised – Lily and Andrea had met a few times at my house, but never really seemed to interact. I couldn't recall a single time they had spoken about each other, much less to each other, in my presence.

"I think it's her age – and there's something about Alex that always makes me think of Andrea. Well, all of our clients are about that age, so I'm not really sure what it is, especially since I don't really know much about either of them. They don't really look alike, either. It's just something about them that seems similar to me."

That was enough to pique my interest, so I agreed to contact Andrea and ask her if she would have an interest in helping Lily. Our lunch, although it was scrumptious as always, was otherwise uneventful, which was unusual for Our Place. We knew the owners quite well; they had given Jonathan a job the previous summer, and it was my favorite restaurant. However, neither Dage nor Keyonna was working that day, which was rather unusual. I was happy for them to take the day off together, and I noticed the restaurant still hummed with the same rhythm as when they were there. As I looked around, I was once again enthralled by the unique décor. Hand-painted table tops depicting incredibly active scenes, colorful chairs and those lime-green walls were enhanced by the soft Calypso music in the background. Our food, shrimp tacos for me and a grouper sandwich for Lily, was prepared perfectly with their signature touch – everything had a Caribbean flair. Yes, this was still my favorite restaurant. We both were thrilled for Marshall to have reunited with his cousin, and Lily said Winston had played a bigger role in that than she had realized. She was obviously proud of him for doing that, and we marveled over the fact that Mayabelle had named her baby after Marshall.

"Winston has begun taking Danny out fishing once a week," Lily told me. "His father never has done anything like that, so Danny is really enjoying this new experience."

"Jonathan still remembers the few times Dick took him to fish, even though he was so young. He hasn't fished since his father died," I lamented.

"Maybe Winston and Danny will invite him this summer when he comes home from school," Lily suggested. I wondered if Jonathan would enjoy that. Actually, I wondered if he was coming home this summer. He hadn't told me any different, but Gabby had only come home her first summer after her freshman year. Now she was in graduate school in Canada, and she only made it home a few times a year.

We talked about our jobs a little as we finished our lunch, and both of us went back to work.

*********

I followed up on my promise to Lily by calling Andrea the next day after dinner, and it turned out to be one of those situations that were meant to be. Andrea needed some volunteer hours for one of her sociology classes, and she was sure Lily's organization would fit the criteria. She said she had a special interest in working with people her own age who had come across some hard times, because she felt she could relate. That was an understatement. I wondered if it was the hard times that Lily recognized in both Alex and Andrea.

Andrea's parents had divorced when she was a young teen. She and her mom had gone from living a pretty comfortable existence as my next door neighbors – and she and Jonathan had been best friends - to moving into an apartment with barely enough income to make ends meet. Andrea had become a very angry teenager. She ran away from her mother to go live with her father, who had remarried and moved to another state. Her stepmother was very difficult for her, and she finally ran away from them just after eking through high school. She had shown up on my front porch one Sunday morning shortly after Jonathan had come out to me, and they had rekindled their friendship. Her mother, who had moved away, came back to get her, and together, they decided to move back to the area. Now Andrea was attending the local community college and doing well. I was pleased that it seemed like the connection between her and Lily's Alex was going to be successful. Likewise, Lily was delighted to hear Andrea was interested. For some reason, I thought this would be the end of my part in the situation, but that turned out that was not the case.

A few nights later, I was cleaning up my dinner dishes when the doorbell rang. Andrea stood there, smiling when I opened the door. Of course, I was pleased to see her – but I was also surprised. She had not stopped to visit me at the condo since I had moved in.

"Andrea! What a pleasant surprise!" I opened door wider to let her come in. She looked fantastic – much different than the bundle that had erupted on my doorstep after running away from home a year earlier. Because she still worked as a receptionist at my hair salon, she changed her hair fairly often. The stylists enjoyed trying new colors and cuts on her, and she was always willing to let them. Tonight, she had platinum streaks running through her light brown hair, and her cut was adorable. It was chin length in front and tapered to a short, shaved back. She let me take a long look at her before she spoke.

"I know I should have called, but I just had to stop. I have just spent my first shift volunteering with Lily, and I had to come and tell you about it!"

She was clearly bubbling over with excitement and needed to talk about it. I made us some iced tea, and we sat in my living room as she situated herself on my sofa. "This was in your old living room, wasn't it? Jonathan and I hardly ever even went into that room, but I remember this couch."

She was right; the sofa had been in my old living room, which was hardly ever used because we also had a family room. Now that I had the condominium, I had only brought the best furniture for my new living room with me.

Andrea began telling me about her evening. It was like déjà vu to me – sitting side by side on this same sofa not so long ago when Jonathan told me his story. And now, the best I could figure, I was going to hear about this person who had so intrigued Lily, and apparently Andrea as well. I was going to hear about Alex.

Andrea set her tea on the end table coaster and looked right at me. "Thank you so much for calling me about working with Lily. You know, I knew what she had done to Jonathan, and I could not understand why you were her friend after that – but after tonight, Mrs. J., I get it! I truly get it. Lily is doing some amazing things at the Center, and she introduced me to this very special person tonight."

I was really glad to hear that Andrea was able to see the good in Lily – and I hoped she would share it with Jonathan, too. Although we never talked about it, nor had he ever intimated he thought I was wrong to be friendly with her, I wanted him to find out from someone other than me that she had definitely turned over a new leaf. His awful experience with Lily, when she had tried to "change him," had been the impetus that caused him to finally come out to me. It had been the kind of experience that no one should go through, but Lily now understood that and had been trying to make it up ever since, not just with me, but as a mission for her own life. In my heart, I believed Jonathan knew how much she had changed, too, because he joined us for dinner when the opportunity arose, and he was kind to her and Winston. As these thoughts ran through my mind, Andrea sipped her tea and waited for me. I guess she was waiting for me to encourage her to go on.

"I know Lily really has her heart in her work," I said rather slowly. "Did you get to meet this Alex person Lily mentioned? Is that what has you so excited, Andrea?"

That was all the encouragement she needed. She put her tea back down and said, "I've never met anyone like this person! I really don't know if Alex is male or female! Lily made an effort to introduce me to Alex before I met anyone else, and she brought us back together and asked me to learn a little to help figure out the best kind of work. First, Alex told me about his/her little boy, Bo. He's six months old and the love for him just shone out of his/her eyes. Then a great sadness filled her, or him, or whoever, because there seemed to be no way to give Bo what every child deserves. Alex knows that just finishing high school with no marketable skills and trying to raise a child is going to be hard!"

I wondered if that was the way most young, single parents spoke – which is exactly what Andrea said next.

"Can you imagine thinking like that? Most of the other girls there – there was one single dad, and the rest were female – were talking about their hair and nails, not about their babies. The one dad was a mess, just to look at him, with torn and rather dirty clothes and in bad need of a haircut, but Alex was different. Yes, the clothes were old, but clean, although either a guy or a girl could wear them. Jeans and a golf shirt... Hair was combed neatly into a pony tail, which didn't give me any better clue."

As Andrea paused, I spoke up. "Lily actually has mentioned Alex to me. She said all the same things you have, except I don't think she'd had the opportunity to have enough of a conversation to realize that not only is Alex's gender unclear, but also his or her interests aren't typical for most people in that circumstance. That must make it hard for Alex to fit into the program."

Andrea nodded, and then she asked me if I could possibly join her during one of her shifts there, or find out from Lily how she could best help Alex, and I agreed to make one or the other, or if both were possible, happen. After I said that, Andrea also said she was going to try to figure out the proper pronoun to use when gender is unknown. I told her I thought it was always best to ask each person, but that I had recently read that some people prefer 'they' over something male or female.

"Lily thought you'd be a good match for helping Alex," I told her.

"It's a great match, Mrs. J!" she exclaimed.

After that, she jumped up, gave me a hug, and said she had to go do some homework for school. I promised to be in touch with her soon. As I watched her drive off in her ten-year-old Honda Civic, I realized neither of us had mentioned her mother or even Jonathan, but I knew that was just a sign that everything was fine. Andrea would have told me if there were problems. Even though we weren't related, I had taken on the role of a favorite aunt with her.

My thoughts immediately went to Patrick, one of the few friendships I had maintained after Dick's death. Both Dick and I had met him while we all attended the same university, and I thought that because Patrick spent a good amount of his free time as a volunteer at the LGBT center in Boston, he might have some wonderful ideas for Andrea as she worked with Alex. I put the idea of calling him on my mental list, but I didn't do it right away. I decided to wait to call him, until after I had met Alex, but I will admit to Googling "When you don't know a person's gender." I can't say I learned much other than some new pronoun terms that I had not heard before, and that it's all right now to use 'they' as a singular pronoun. I also read an interesting article about a man who asked the waitperson to answer his six-year-old daughter's question, "Is this person a man or a woman?" After that, I went to bed and called Jim. Like me, he was way more comfortable with the topic of lesbians and gays than he had been a year ago, but he had no experience with transgender or bi-sexual individuals. Somehow, I knew that would change for both us soon.

Part 2

Chapter 5

Alex looked down at six month old Bo after she put him in the crib, which was right next to the futon she slept on in the tiny apartment. He had lost most of the hair he had been born with, but now he was growing new - it was about the same color as her younger brothers', Alex noticed. He was stretched out full length in the crib, on his side, and she realized she could just stare at him like this for hours. She was flooded with feelings of love for him, and she turned away to let him sleep.

Alex looked around her small, studio apartment. The best thing about it was that it was very close to the Center where she was learning how to get a job and be a single parent, and the second best thing was it was all she could afford. On one wall close to the door, there was a small stained porcelain sink that must have been fifty years old, next to an oven half the size of the one her family had when she was growing up, along with a small, old refrigerator that even had a small freezer compartment that could hold a few small items. A few packages of chicken or ground beef was the most she could fit in it, and it was all she could afford anyway. There was an old, white metal cabinet for dishes or food adjacent to the refrigerator, and most of the time, it was quite empty. Alex only had a few dishes for herself and Bo, and rarely did she have much extra food in the cupboard. In the opposite corner, behind a half wall-like partition, there was a toilet, an aluminum shower stall, an even smaller sink next to the shower, and over it, was a partially rusted metal medicine cabinet that had a mirror for the door. Along the one long wall, there was a low dresser that also served as Bo's changing table, and the futon was along that same wall, in the center of the room. On the side away from Bo's crib, there was a worn end table a tenant who was moving out had given to Alex. It had a second hand lamp with cracks in the shade on it. That was all the furniture, except for a rickety old wardrobe in the corner that had been in the studio when Alex moved in. She didn't have much, but she used the wardrobe to store her backpacks and to hang her few shirts. She noticed it smelled like cedar when she opened the door. Bo's stroller was parked right next to the door, too. There were a few plastic laundry baskets in the corner. The two ones held their clean clothes, while the third black one was for dirty laundry.

She knew the studio wasn't much, but at least the one window was fairly large and shut tightly, and its old plastic mini-blinds somehow still functioned, although it had a torn screen. The entire studio was smaller than Alex's bedroom back home, but there was no use thinking about that. Alex turned her thoughts to her life now. Living on public assistance and food stamps was tough, but she was able to afford this place and enough food for the two of them. Of course, she could rarely afford the jars of baby food she knew many babies ate at Bo's age, but she was able to buy eggs, yogurt, and cereal. Sometimes, she would cook sweet potatoes, which she mashed by hand. Boy, did Bo love that!

He had two teeth now, and he loved to gnaw on the few toys she had for him. She had been given several toys by the Center, and she had noticed the way he had crawled after the bright red ball that was in the nursery there. She was grateful for the Center, and today, she had finally met someone there she felt she could actually talk to. It wasn't one of the other teen parents, but a new intern from the local community college. Her name was Andrea, and she and Alex had hit it off immediately.

After meeting Andrea today, Alex couldn't stop herself from thinking back to high school, when she had a group of friends that she could always talk to. Those days ended over a year ago, the day after she graduated from high school. Her mother had taken her out for a dinner after graduation, along with her aunt and uncle, and her grandfather. They had each given her a monetary gift and asked her about her plans, now that high school was over. She had looked at each of them and said she was going to work over the summer and try to figure it out. They had all expected her to go to college, to be the first one in the family to go. They knew money was tight for Alex and her mother, but they were too kind to ask her why she hadn't figured it out already. Grandpa was always kind of tuned out, so he just nodded and smiled a lot. Alex knew he probably hadn't heard half the conversation, anyway. He hadn't really been too interested when Alex's mother finished high school, and he probably wasn't any more interested in Alex. Aunt Jo and Uncle Rich were very hard-working folks and always tried to help Alex, but she thought they found her weird, especially Uncle Rich. When she turned sixteen and had gotten a new haircut, very, very short, Uncle Rich had actually said to her, "Alex, what on earth did you get a haircut like that for? Are you trying to look like a boy?"

Aunt Jo had been horrified that he had asked that, but Mom, Uncle Rich's sister, had just said, "Damn it, Rich. Leave her alone. She can wear her hair anyway she wants."

It was interesting that Mom had stuck up for her, because that sure wasn't the reaction she'd had when Alex had come in with the new 'do. Mom had not been the least bit accepting when she saw it.

"What the hell happened to your hair, Alex?" she had asked. It was exactly the response Alex had anticipated.

"I like it." That was all Alex had said. She and her mother never really talked about much, and it wasn't surprising that the conversation had ended there, but Alex was really surprised her mother had stuck up for her with Uncle Rich. Thinking about this made Alex feel a little homesick, even with all the ups and downs, which were really mostly downs, she and her mother had always had.

She heard Bo make little noises, but she knew he would probably sleep for at least another 45 minutes. She sat down on the futon and again took in her surroundings before she began working on the homework she had for her class at the Center.

The little studio was their home – hers and Bo's, and she tried to make it feel like home. She tried to keep it clean. The dingy yellow walls hadn't seen a fresh coat of paint in years, and when she had tried to wash them, she learned they had not been painted with washable paint, like in the house she grew up. The area she had scrubbed looked worse than the rest of the walls, so she quit. She was planning to buy paint when she got a "real" job. The floor was linoleum, and she was able to wash that thoroughly. Bo was already trying to crawl and recently he had begun to try to pull himself up along the futon, and she knew she had to keep things as clean as possible for him.

It was funny that she was so concerned with housecleaning, she realized as she looked around the apartment, since cleaning was the one thing she had hated most when she was growing up. From a very young age, as soon as she was able to help with the housework, her mother had insisted she do chores. First, she was expected to help put groceries and laundry away. Her two younger brothers had to help, too. Their mother told them they all lived in the house, and they all had to take care of it. Alex knew Mom owned the house free and clear, as part of her divorce settlement when Alex was nearly six, and reflecting back on all the time they spent on its upkeep, Alex let a little of the resentment she had felt about all the housework slide away. Although her mother had never made it feel like she was part of the reason keeping things clean and nice was important, now that she had Bo, at least she knew how to keep things clean. She even let the idea that her mother had wanted things clean for her children slip into her head, something she never would have recognized a year ago.

Housekeeping was a major cause of conflict when she was growing up, but the relationship between Alex and her mother had many other problems, too. Her mother really never understood anything about Alex. Other than giving her a name that worked, since Alexandra knew at some level she was really Alexander ever since she realized there were differences between boys and girls, her mother was never tuned in like most mothers. She never seemed to notice Alex's discomfort with being a girl. She also didn't seem to notice that Alex preferred to play with a ball rather than a doll, or that she would rather clean the gutters than polish furniture. She preferred doing yard work over house work, and painting walls rather than her nails, along with so many other things her mother never seemed to realize, although these were some of the things that Alex knew made her different from other girls. Thinking on it now, Alex wondered if her mother was so overwhelmed with life that many things were simply not on her radar. After all, she was raising three children alone. Alex knew little about the divorce, but was aware that while most of her classmates continued seeing both parents when there was a divorce, she and her brothers had never seen her father since. She never felt like she could ask why, either. Again, her resentment softened, which had never happened before she left home.

Besides housekeeping, they had fought constantly about her hair until that last very short haircut her senior year. Alex knew her mother had always wanted Alex to grow her hair long, like her mother's own beautiful tresses. But Alex could not have been less interested, and from a young age, she had refused to spend time caring for it the way her mother expected. They fought about her hair often, and on many occasions, when Alex was younger, she was sent to her room for not having combed it. She let her memory go back to the time, when she was nine, her mother dropped her off at the hairdresser's to get a trim, telling the hairdresser she would be back in thirty minutes to pick her up. Alex had talked the hairdresser into cutting it short. Her mother had been furious, first with the hairdresser and then with Alex, but the deed was done, and Alex was thrilled with the short hair. For the first time in her life, she looked into a mirror and felt "right." It really wasn't a boyish haircut, but at least it wasn't long any more, and she liked it. Still, her mother had told her it made her look like a boy, and after that comment, she wouldn't talk about it anymore. The funny thing was, in spite of her reaction, Mom had allowed Alex to keep it short after that. With the short haircut, Alex willingly combed it every morning before school. It had also paved the way for her two younger brothers who were just a year apart, two and three years younger than Alex. Mom had never made an issue with how they kept their hair, unless it wasn't clean and combed. Now that she thought of her mother with three young kids all alone, Alex realized it must have been very, very difficult. No, her mom had not had time to analyze why Alex was different. She was busy keeping up the house, which was very important to her, and trying to survive with three kids. Alex had never thought about that until this very moment. Maybe she shouldn't have been so hard in her opinion of her mother.

As she thought back on that time, she tugged at her hair now, which she could no longer afford to have cut in the style she had worn as a high school senior. She had enjoyed wearing it in a razor cut, and had gotten a job making pizzas to pay for the cut every three weeks, which now seemed like an unbelievable luxury. She had stopped wearing it short like that as soon as she was on her own, unable to afford the twelve dollars every three weeks. She had let it grow out from the razor cut. Now she was able to pull it into a short ponytail, and Juanita, her neighbor, offered to trim it every now and then to make it even.

Alex tried to focus on her homework but first considered how lucky she was to have Juanita in her life.

Juanita was Alex's only friend at this point in her life, except for the people at the Center. Juanita, who had been born Juan, lived openly as a trannie, as she called herself, and she was so good to Alex and now to Bo, too. Juanita understood so much more about Alex than anyone she had ever met. Nearly nine years older than Alex, they shared the mutual experience of knowing, from a very young age, that their gender did not match their body.

To an outsider, it might seem odd that they had such a strong connection. What they had in common was simple: being transgender and having no family support. Juanita worked at a department store in the cosmetics department, and she also worked at a nightclub as a waitress on the weekends. She earned a decent salary between the two jobs, and she could afford to move to a better place, but she spent her money on hormone treatments, and saved the rest for surgery to finally have her dream of looking like the woman she was.

Alex hadn't had a job a since a couple of months before she had Bo, when she was fired after her boss discovered she was pregnant. The job she had when she was in high school, working in a pizza shop, had prepared her for the job she got when she moved here after leaving home, again in a pizza restaurant. The events that led to her job and subsequently losing it were interesting, but right now, Alex was thinking back on how her life had changed so much. After the rape and becoming pregnant, she had dropped her plans to become an X-ray technician and now, she was focused on keeping Bo safe and learning to manage life as a young single parent. Because the Center was helping her prepare to go to work, Alex was slowly bringing back her hopes of going to school to become an X-ray tech one day. Like Juanita, Alex had dreamed of surgery to make her gender identity and body match, but she had also put those plans on hold as all her energy now was spent with Bo. She had dreamed of being called Alex, with masculine pronouns instead of feminine, but when she found herself pregnant, that dream seemed far-fetched. Bo was her first priority now, and she told herself her time would come eventually. She envied Juanita for being able to live her gender, and dreamed that one day, she, too, would do the same. For now, she was just content to let her appearance be as androgynous as possible.

Even though their experiences growing up were very different for Juanita and Alex, they had grown very close. They had shared with each other their stories, both of knowing they could not live the rest of their lives as the gender they were brought up, and of leaving home right after high school. Their family relationships had been unsupportive, violently so for Juanita, and seemingly unaware for Alex.

Juanita was striking to look at. She was a few inches taller than Alex. Her dark brown eyes and full eyebrows were lovely. She was very proud of her long hair, which was dark, very dark. She had never changed the color, she told Alex, because she didn't want to do any damage to it. She was obsessed with the idea of a receding hairline, and thought hair coloring might make her lose her hair, so it was rare to see Juanita without a colorful hair band that covered her hairline.

"I read that Christina Aguilera had to get hair plugs because her hair was falling out from over-dying it." Juanita often read popular magazines with gossip about the stars. "God only knows that if I have to pay for something like that instead of real boobs and bottom surgery, I will just die!"

Alex honestly didn't see the receding hairline, but then again, Alex had never been into girlie things like that. Juanita was aware of that, and it didn't matter to her. She had created an existence that was better than most trannies, she told Alex. She was able to see a counselor once a month through the LGBT center, and she participated in group therapy twice a month. She encouraged Alex to come along with her, but of course, she couldn't do that with Bo. Alex had confided in Juanita, and never anyone else, that she, too, hoped to have corrective surgery one day, and couldn't wait to get to a place where she could also begin hormone therapy to begin her own transition. She had dreamed of this throughout high school, but after the rape, everything changed...

Not too long after that conversation, when they were still getting to know each other, Juanita told Alex her story.

Chapter 6

Juanita's story

Juanita had been the youngest of four boys, she told Alex, and her parents were older than most of her friends' parents growing up. She was nearly eight years younger than her closest brother. Her parents were both children of immigrants from Mexico, and they had traditional values of hard work and defined gender roles. All of Juanita's brothers were physically active in sports and they played football and baseball on their high school teams. Their father had loved watching them. Mami, as they all called his mother, knew Juan was different, and she accepted his lack of interest in sports that all her brothers shared with their father. Papa didn't understand, but seemed too busy with his job and the other boys to ever really address it. Mami let Juan style her hair when the rest of the family was out, and she even showed him how to apply makeup. He had such a fond memory of the time when he was ten, she had first put make-up on him, his eyes outlined in dark, and his lashes thick with mascara and then curled. Then she had styled his hair with a curling iron. When he looked in the mirror, he was dumbfounded at how that little bit of make-up and the touch of the curling iron made him feel so beautiful, so right. He had hugged his mother, and then she taught him how to apply it to her. They sat at the kitchen table with the two mirrors, and a big jar of cold cream, which is what Mami used to remove all the make-up. First she let him apply hers, then she removed it and had him do it again. She looked ten years younger, and the make-up minimized her wrinkles. They both admired his work. Then she removed his, and let him put his own on. Of course, she had a drink in her hand the whole evening, and as it grew late, they knew they had to put it all away before the rest of the family came home. Mami was quite tipsy by this point. Even so, she told him this was a secret and no one would understand, so he must never tell anyone. She even whispered, 'You are my little Juanita' just one time as they cleaned up. He loved their secret, and he loved his mother so much for understanding him.

It was a secret they shared and both kept, but it was not a secret to the rest of the family that Mami struggled with drinking. It was rare to see her without a drink, from the moment she came home from work until bedtime. She rarely watched Juanita's brothers sporting events, because she was generally too drunk by evening to go out. But even with the alcohol, Mami and Juanita were close, much closer than she was with other sons. They spent lots of time alone together when the rest of the family was out at sporting events. Papa hated her drinking, and they fought about it often, but Juanita could not remember even one time that her mother had taken a break from drinking after she came home from her job as a housekeeper. She began working at the biggest hotel in the city soon after she graduated from high school, and although she had dreamed of going to college, she never pursued it. Instead, she married before her twentieth birthday, and began having babies and raising a family. He wasn't sure when she started drinking so heavily, but he guessed it was after he was born. By the time Juan was in fifth grade, Mami's liver shut down. After nearly a month in the hospital, Mami died, leaving 11-year old Juan with his father and the one brother still at home, a senior in high school. Until then, Juanita said life had been okay, and never violent.

Her eyes teared up as she sat on Alex's futon, telling her story as little Bo slept nearby in his crib. "Papa got real mean after Mami died. He did not drink, so I can't blame alcohol, which took my mother. He smashed every bottle of alcohol in the house in a fit of anger the day after we buried her. I was curled up in my bed, crying myself to sleep because I never even got to say good-bye to her in the hospital, and I could hear the breaking glass as he was screaming words in Spanish I had never heard before. I remember cleaning it up the next morning, after he left for his job as a cook at the same hotel as Mami worked as a housekeeper. She hadn't worked in a month, and money was tight, so he took no extra time off to grieve. It was summer, and I was home all day by myself. My brother, Ricky, already had a job, and like most eighteen year olds, he just kept busy, going out with his friends after work, never really seeing Dad or me.

"As the summer wore on, Papa became meaner and meaner, and Ricky started staying with friends instead of coming home, until he finally moved out. My father never touched him, but when he finally figured out that Ricky was gone, he started coming after me. I remember the first time he hit me, right in the stomach. I hadn't seen it coming; I don't even remember what prompted him to be so angry. I was so shocked I just ran to my room and shut the door. He did not come after me that time, but after that first punch, he began to hit me fairly often. It was awful – he beat me and called me a faggot, but he never touched my face."

Juanita paused then, reaching up to her face with her nail-polished, well-manicured hand, as if to wipe away a tear. Alex didn't know what to say. This conversation took place about a month after she had moved in across the hall from Juanita. During that month, they had already spent a fair amount of time together. Alex was obviously pregnant, and Juanita checked on her all the time, nearly daily. As Juanita told her story, Alex saw that she was struggling to keep her composure. Although Alex wasn't nurturing by nature, she reached over and squeezed Juanita's hand.

"Juanita, it sounds so horrible! You were only twelve then, right? And your father was beating you up! Didn't your teachers notice? What about your relatives?"

Juanita shook her head and this time, she wiped an actual tear from her cheek with her perfectly manicured hands. Her dark, wavy hair cascaded to her shoulders and swayed as she shook her head. "No one at school knew because he made sure it never showed. It was usually body punches, and sometimes my arms. They hurt so bad. I think he put his anger at losing Mami into every punch he dished out to me."

For a moment, Juanita just sat and said nothing as she recalled that horrible time in her life. Then she shook her head and continued, "I had no idea how to tell anyone. I didn't know what was wrong with me, Alex! I just knew I wasn't like the other boys my age, and that my dad hated me."

"My relatives – well, they stopped coming around after Mami died. They were never comfortable with me, and my cousins had always teased me for being "girlie, de niña." I guess Papa was so angry and nasty all the time that they just never came around anymore. My grandparents – who I barely ever knew, were already dead, and my aunts and uncles, my cousins...they all just stopped coming to our house. Even my brothers – they were all older than me – they hardly ever came. I don't know if they realized what was going on, or just didn't care. I probably will never know." Juanita paused for a moment. Alex just nodded, knowing what it was like to think she would never see her brothers again.

Juanita continued, "So I kept the house in shape, trying to make him happy, and somehow, I managed to get through one day at a time. I made sure to leave no evidence around the house for him to find that would make him angry about my sexuality. Little did he know that I had all Mami's old makeup that we used to play with together before she died, and that I had hidden some of her beautiful dresses and shoes before he packed them all up and brought them to Goodwill. When I knew there was no chance he'd be home, I would put them on, do my hair and makeup, and I could feel her presence. I basked in the memory of that night she called me Juanita. It was the only time I truly felt like myself. But I made sure he never knew. Like I said, I removed all evidence. He was convinced I was gay, and I never answered him because it didn't matter what I said. To me it seemed like he hit me the hardest when I tried to talk him out of it. I had few friends – and never had any of them come to our house when I thought he could possibly be home. Most of them were girls who also thought I was gay, and really didn't "get" me, because, well, let's face it, being trans was still pretty much not talked about ten years ago, even."

"During my junior year, Papa started dating a woman. Her name was Carmelita. He was sixty years old, and suddenly this woman who was the same age as my oldest brother, who had just turned forty, started showing up at the house, and they'd go out. Papa became much less angry. He stopped beating me when Carmelita moved in, and I had lots less work to do because he wasn't trashing the house like he had been. Carmelita took over the house, and she even made dinner sometimes. Really, they both pretty much ignored me, and like my brothers had all done, I got a job at a grocery store nearby, and I stayed away as much as I could. I didn't have as much opportunity to do my hair and make-up after Carmelita moved in, but every now and then, I relived my very special times with my mother. The Monday after high school graduation, I packed all my things while they were at work, and I left. I have never gone back and I have never presented myself as a male since that day."

They were both silent for a few minutes as they each sat in one of the comfortable chairs in Juanita's apartment, which was a little bigger than Alex's. After a bit, Alex asked, "Juanita, I know this sounds weird to ask, after you just told me the horrors you've endured, but do you ever think about going to church?"

Her eyes grew big when Alex asked that.

"Church, Alex? Do you know what the church says about people like us? Why would I seek out a place that hates me before they even know me?"

Alex shook her head, no, and said, "I know it was a weird question, but I keep walking by this place and I even looked it up. It seems different. It accepts everyone."

She interrupted me and said, "Oh, you must be talking about Heaven's Haven! Now that is a church I might like!"

So Juanita had heard about it, too. They talked about getting up some Sunday morning and going, and Alex's heart filled with some hope, because in spite of all she'd been through, she still believed in a Supreme Being, she believed he had the whole world in his hands, just like the song she had learned as a child.

Chapter 7

Alex's story

It was not that night, but a week or so later that Alex had shared her story with Juanita. Juanita didn't check on her every evening right away, but she'd knocked on the door casually a few times just to ask how she was doing. This night, Alex asked Juanita to come in, and they sat on her futon as she told her story.

She'd been working at the pizza restaurant that March night, making pizzas. The way the restaurant was set up, it was easy to see the customers who came to pick up pizzas while she was working. Three of them were making pizzas, and one person ran the register. At one point, she was taking a pizza from the oven with the long poled spatula, and she could feel someone watching her from the pickup counter. She had glanced over and saw a man about 40 years old with shaggy, nearly shoulder-length light brown hair. That was all she really noticed about him, but when she made eye contact, he had made the strangest comment directly to her. She could still hear his raspy voice,

"I bet you like that pole, don't you, sonny?"

She hadn't acknowledged she'd heard him, and went on with boxing the pizza she had just removed from the oven. The cashier, another high school girl that Alex knew, had handed his pizza to him, and he had left.

"Does it bother you to be mistaken for a guy?" Kristi asked this as soon as the door closed behind him. Alex had been asked this question several times before that night, and she still didn't know how to answer. The answer, of course, was no, but that would require a lot of explaining. She didn't mind going into it with friends, but Kristi was fairly new at the shop, and she hung out with a totally different crowd at school. The other two guys that were also making pizzas with her hadn't even heard the man's strange remark or Kristi's question. Alex decided it wasn't worth the energy it would take to explain her feelings to Kristi, so she just shrugged and went back to work on the next pizza. Not a shy girl, Kristi said a little too loudly, "Well, it sure would bother me!" Another customer came into the restaurant just then, and Kristi didn't bring it up again that night.

It was a Friday night, actually, Friday the thirteenth, and they were pretty busy right up until closing time. The manager, Jan, helped them clean up and get things ready for the next day, and it was close to 2 a.m. when Alex left to walk the three blocks to her house. She was startled when she saw the same man who had asked the strange question walk out of the shadow cast by the street light just past the restaurant. He fell into step with her and struck up a conversation as though it was common for him to walk her home.

"I have been wanting to ask you something, sonny," he said in the same gravelly voice. "What makes some of you boys like poles?"

Alex didn't answer him. She tried to pick up her pace, but he kept step with her. He grabbed her arm and continued to talk. He was taller than he had looked in the shop; about six inches taller than Alex. And although he was skinny, he had a strong grip on her arm.

"Yes, sonny, I just found out my boy likes poles too. I heard him talking on the phone about how he wanted to date some guy at the pizza store. Well, I'm not going to have a faggot for a son, so I'm just going to take care of it for him. "

At that point, Alex became scared. This man thought she was a guy, no problem. But this man's son was obviously gay, and the man was going to 'take care of it,' whatever that meant. Alex began to run, but he did not let go of her arm. In a flash, he knocked her down on the sidewalk before she could get away. He dragged her into the bushes and started to pull her pants off. He held her arms together over her head, and pulled at her zipper and pants with his free arm. Alex remembered thinking again he was a lot heavier and stronger than he looked.

She was dressed in clothes that either a guy or a girl could wear, and in fact she bought most of them in stores for men, that was true, but for some reason, Alex had always worn women's underwear. Nothing fancy, probably more along the line of cotton granny panties, but definitely not men's. It probably had to do with not having to deal with her mother's reaction. Her mother was already upset about the breast-squashing sports bras that Alex always wore. Her mother had never asked Alex why, but had commented many times that she thought it was strange for her to squash her breasts instead of letting them be.

The man stopped when he saw the underwear. His face was very close to hers –

"What the fuck? Are you such a pansy that you wear women's underwear?" He yanked them down and saw her. Her. She wasn't a guy, he realized.

"Well, well, this is unexpected." I planned to put my pole up your ass, to ruin you for my boy, but looks like I get to be a real man instead."

That was the last thing he said. Alex fought but it was no use. He was very rough and very fast. He ripped off the underwear, raped her, hit her in the face when he was done, and got up and left. It was over quickly, but the pain was horrible, and Alex just laid there, letting it wash over her. His fist had connected with her jaw and lower ear because she had turned at the last minute when she saw he was going to hit her. She wasn't cut, but it was the hardest she had ever been hit in her life, harder than any collisions she'd experiences as the catcher on the softball team. The pain between her legs was burning, searing. All she could think of was that she needed to get up and finish the walk home. She was scared, but she managed to pull up her shredded underwear and her jeans, zip them up and limp home slowly.

Her mother was already in bed, which was the norm after Alex came home from work. She was able to shower, throw away the underwear, and put the jeans in the washer before she went to bed. She never thought for a minute about going to the police or telling her mother; she just wanted to pretend it hadn't happened. She fell asleep that night thinking that if she had been taking hormones, just as she planned to one day when she could truly become Alex, perhaps she would have been strong enough to fight him off. She definitely planned to transition one day, but that was far in the future, when she was on her own, and wouldn't have to deal with her mother's reaction, and when she could afford it all.

The next morning, when she woke up, it was late. She could tell by how light her bedroom was, and saw that it was after twelve o'clock on her phone. She had silenced it and saw that her friends, Ally and Mike, had both texted her about going to the mall later on. At first she didn't remember what had happened – but as soon as she moved to get out of bed, the pain shot through her in between her legs. She fell back in the bed and wrapped her arms around herself, unable to believe it had really happened to her. She must have fallen back to sleep because it was nearly 1 when she looked at her phone again. She texted her friends and said she wasn't going anywhere today; she told them she was too sick. She also called in sick to the restaurant. She'd never done that before, and Jan was more concerned than angry.

"Alex, are you okay? You sound terrible. I know we had a late night last night."

"No, it's not that. I just woke up sick. I hope to be there tomorrow. Thanks, Jan."

She stayed in bed that whole day, except to get a little to eat and take another shower. The feeling that she could not get clean overwhelmed her, but the pain began to subside and when she looked in the bathroom mirror, the bruise on her jaw wasn't as bad as she expected. She climbed back into bed. A little later, her mother came into her room, which was a rare occasion. It was close to dinnertime on Saturday. The shades on her window were still down, so her room was dark, and Alex pulled the sheet up to her jaw, so her mother wouldn't see the bruise.

"Alex?" her mother asked softly. She stood in the doorway.

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay? Aren't you supposed to go to work tonight? You've been in bed all day." Her tone wasn't accusatory. It almost sounded concerned. Alex was afraid she'd cry if she talked much, so she just said, "I'm feeling pretty sick. I called Jan, the manager and she told me to stay home."

"Okay, but do you need anything? Want some dinner? Or some soup or something?"

"No, I just need to sleep."

"I'll keep your brothers quiet, if they ever stay home for more than ten minutes. Get better."

With that, she closed the door, and Alex fell back to sleep. She was relieved that her mother hadn't come in, and resolved never to tell her mother what had happened as she drifted back to sleep.

When she finally got up on Sunday to go to work at noon, she turned up the collar of her polo shirt and decided that hid the bruise well enough. Her mother wasn't home when she left, but she had left a note on the refrigerator.

"I hope you're okay, Alex."

That was all it said, and she scribbled, "I'm fine" on it before she left to walk to work. She couldn't stop herself from looking everywhere as she walked the few blocks to the restaurant. She was relieved to arrive without bumping into anyone, especially him. At the restaurant, only Jan commented on her face. She was tactful and asked her about it when no one else could hear.

"Alex, what's this?" She reached over as if to touch her jaw. Alex drew back before she touched it and thought for a moment before answering. There was a part of her that wanted to tell what had happened, but it was so awful that just saying the words would make it real all over again. She wanted to bury it, not relive it, so she simply shrugged and said, "Don't even ask. Something stupid." It took a lot of effort to respond without breaking down, but she managed.

"Well, I hope you know you can always talk to me, Alex." Jan was in her early thirties, and generally she was all business. Her words took Alex by surprise.

"Thanks, Jan," she said sincerely as she turned away. She still felt so raw; it was all she could do to keep her tears at bay as she reacted to Jan's compassion. That night when they closed, she accepted Jan's offer of a ride, which was atypical. In fact, Alex never walked home again when she worked until close. She either accepted a ride from Jan or one of the other workers, or had a friend pick her up. She never saw her rapist again, but she was too afraid to walk home alone in the dark. Jan was the one person she almost confided in before she left town, but in the end, she decided to just disappear.

Chapter 8

That Sunday night, the day after she was raped, as she finished her shift, Mike and Ally both had texted her and asked if she was better. They generally got together on the weekends, so it was unusual that they hadn't this weekend. She knew she was not going to tell them what had happened, so she briefly responded that she felt better and would see them at school the next day. She thought the more time and space she could put between what had happened to her, the easier it would be for her. She just wanted the whole event to go away.

Softball practice began that week, and between that, school, and work, Alex kept pretty busy. She loved playing softball, but sometimes, she wondered if it was really all right for her to be on the softball team. She was never comfortable in the locker room, but she loved the sport, and her teammates accepted her because she was a good athlete. Only one of the girls on the team was really in the group she hung out with and really knew Alex. Jo was the typical "L" – jock type, and she was one of the handful of kids at school who knew Alex's 'trans' status, but that was not a topic they talked about in front of the other players. The coach was all about winning and couldn't care less what their sexual preferences or identities were – she definitely was one of those coaches who encouraged keeping that information on the down-low. It simply never came up. She only talked strategy and winning. As the days after the rape passed, Alex struggled with sleeping sometimes, but she was reliving the horrible act less and less often, and was hoping the insomnia would stop.

Two weeks later, however, on her way to school, Alex suddenly felt nauseous. She didn't really feel ill, but as she walked toward school, she knew she was going to vomit. She bent over some low hedges along the sidewalk, and hurled. She stood up, and realized she had more coming, and repeated the process. That happened three times that morning as she walked the six blocks from home to the high school. She had eaten her usual cereal breakfast, and was pretty sure it was no longer in her stomach, but was going to help fertilize those hedges.

Other than feeling very hungry by the time the lunch bell rang, Alex thought very little about that episode. She felt a bit queasy, but otherwise had a pretty typical day at school, softball practice, and no work that night, just homework. However, when it happened again many mornings in a row, she became alarmed. And three weeks later she realized her period, which she always hated, hadn't come as scheduled. She walked to the drugstore after softball practice to buy a pregnancy test. She'd learned enough in health class about pregnancy to realize she could be pregnant, and her mind spun out of control. She had spent a good deal of time researching gender change surgery. She dreamed of having her uterus removed, not of having a baby grow inside her. She was repulsed by the idea, and even more so because of the rape. But she also knew herself very well, and knew if she were pregnant, she would not abort it. That was crossing a line for her. It was an enigma that she believed in God, especially because her family rarely went to church. Even more at odds was the fact that she believed she had been born in the body of a female when she had always felt male. She knew many people did not accept the idea of being transgender because they didn't believe God made mistakes. Alex did believe in God, in a Supreme Being. Not one part of her accepted the idea that she was a mistake. So when she saw the plus sign on the pee stick indicating she was pregnant, she prayed. It was a mournful, raw prayer.

"God, Supreme Power of all, is this really happening to me? Am I to believe that You, who knows my every thought, want me to have a baby, after giving me this wrong body? Why, oh God?"

She was silent for a long time, hoping to hear an answer. But in the end, it didn't matter why, because she knew she would have the baby. However, as she had resolved the day after she'd been raped, this was her problem, and she was going to have to solve all that came with it on her own. She was not going to dump it on her mother, or on anyone else. So instead of finalizing her plans for what to do after graduation, she began to develop a plan to leave town and have this baby on her own.

From the end of March until graduation, time passed by too quickly. Between school, softball, and her job, she was busy, but not too busy to work on her plan to leave right after graduation. She didn't go out with her friends nearly as often, partially because she was leaving and because she didn't want to tell them, either about leaving or about being pregnant. She thought it would be easier to leave if she didn't share it with them, and it would be easier to disappear if they didn't know anything about it. She really wasn't sure how hard her mother would look for her – money was always tight and one less mouth to feed would help, that she knew.

Except for the vomiting, it was not apparent that she was pregnant. It was too soon for that, and her style of clothing made it easy to conceal even after she'd left town and could see the changes in her body. She was sure no one suspected. Her biggest obstacle was the constant questioning about what her plans were after that she had graduated. She had actually planned to find a way to go to the local community college to become an X-ray technician, and she had investigated joining the military. Most of her friends were all settled about what would happen after graduation, but she had not finalized her plans, other than either going to the community college part time, or joining the military. Those were the goals she had told her guidance counselor at their last meeting. He had arranged for her to take the ASVAB. She scored well on it, but when all three branches contacted her, she told them she had changed her mind. She didn't think that possible with a baby. The counselor tried to meet with her on several occasions, but she never went to see him again. How would she answer his questions? She began evading those who asked her what she was planning to do after graduation, or responding as she had to her aunt and uncle, that she was trying to figure things out.

She used the public library's computer to research her options. She quickly figured out that she needed to go where it was a big enough city to have support programs for young women who were single and pregnant, and that also offered LGBT support. But she didn't want such a large city, like New York, that she wouldn't be able to afford to live in a safe area. She studied the map, transportation available to get there, and the cost of getting there, and finally made her choice of where to go. Next, she had to figure out where to live. She had enough cash to last several months, between graduation and what she saved from work, even if she didn't get a job, but she planned to get one as soon as possible, probably making pizza since that was what she knew how to do. Over the next few months, except for her haircuts, which she knew would stop as soon as she left, she saved everything else unless it was needed to prepare for leaving. She purchased one new, large backpack and a rolled shoulder bag. She also planned to use the backpack she used daily for school so she could take as much as possible with her. As the time neared, she began hiding the money in her bedroom, rather than in the bank, because she did not want to leave a trail with her debit card. She would open a new one when she moved.

Finally, graduation day came, and along with it, the celebration with her family. She had emptied her bank account the day before. That night, she went out with her friends for the first time in a while. It felt strange, because there was a lot of alcohol at the different houses that night, as they went from one open house to the next, but she didn't drink a thing. She was pressured a little, but not much, and evaded their questions about why not. She got home at 1 a.m., made final preparations for leaving, and set her alarm for 8, knowing her mother would already have left for work and her brothers wouldn't be up yet. She left a note on her pillow that simply said, "I'm sorry, I had to go. Love, Alex" She never told her mother she loved her, but she knew they loved each other in a different kind of way, probably, than most daughters and mothers. When she closed the door to her house early that morning, she wondered if she would ever come back.

*********

"Hey, dude, got any weed?"

She was sitting at the train station, with her biggest backpack attached to her back behind her and her arms around her two other bags. She looked up and saw a scrawny homeless-looking person standing over her. She simply shook her head no and looked away. He wandered away to ask the next person whom, she guessed, he thought might say yes. She watched him ask three others, all of whom didn't even respond but looked away as she had, without even shaking their heads.

The train station was very busy. In the three seats right next to her, a young black woman was trying to keep her two daughters busy as they waited.

"Maybelline," she said to the older girl, who Alex guessed was about five, "why don't you read that book to your sister?"

Maybelline obediently picked up the Curious George book and said, "L'Oréal, want to read Curious George with me?"

The little girl, who was probably three, stopped picking at the crack in the seat and slid over closer to her sister. Alex was intrigued that a five-year-old could read, and when Maybelline opened the first page, and began, "This is George. He was a good little..." she couldn't tell if she was actually reading or not.

Her mother looked over at Alex and said, "She has that book memorized!"

"Wow! You must read a lot to her."

"I've only read it to her about five hundred times," she laughed, and she went back to leafing through her magazine.

Alex hadn't thought about bringing anything to read, but there was a newspaper on one of the few vacant seats nearby, so she picked it up. She didn't really read any of it as she stared at the paper. She had a lot to learn, she realized. As she sat there, on the beginning of her new life, she realized she was still so shocked about having a baby that all she had learned about was the giving birth part, but not beyond. She knew she would never give her baby away to someone else to raise. Watching this young mother with her two daughters made her realize the task of raising a child was daunting, as she realized the baby would need to be taught so much. She was going to have lots of opportunities to learn to be a parent – she knew her destination had several programs for single parents. She also knew it had some for LGBT youth, but something told her she was going to be alone as far as being an individual who needed both programs. Right now, her priority would be the baby, and after that, she'd work on her transgender status. A tear slipped down her face, something that happened more frequently since her pregnancy. She tried to wipe it away, but the young mother had seen her.

Without prying as to the cause of the tear, she said in a friendly manner, "It looks like you're going on a trip. Not looking forward to it?"

Her friendliness took Alex by surprise, but instead of her usual shrug, she answered, "Just the fear of the unknown, I guess."

"A young guy like you will do just fine. Going to summer camp?"

Alex was used to being mistaken for a younger male, but something inside her made her want to explain. Oh, it was hard.

Quietly, feeling sensitive that she might not want the little girls to hear, she said, "I'm not a guy – not yet, anyway. Just graduated from high school and I'm moving on."

"Oh, wow! So sorry I mistook you – "

Unable to suppress her surprise, the young woman had glanced over at her daughters. But she didn't move away or try to get out of the conversation. Instead, she surprised Alex by saying, "I wish you the best. My mother's brother is now my auntie. He moved away right after high school, same reason."

Now it was Alex's turn to be surprised. The young woman, who was probably in her late twenties or early thirties, was responding in a different way than she'd ever hoped. She nodded and said, "Really? How did that work out?"

She giggled softly and said, "Imagine when he showed up five years later in full drag? He had on hose and earrings. My grandma about had a heart attack when she saw him like that. But now, twenty years later, it's all-good. Auntie Freddie is just part of the family." A little more softly she said, "Of course, my girls don't know she wasn't always a she."

Just then, the speaker announced the young woman's train. "Girls, come on, we have a train to catch." She looked back over at Alex and said, "I hope it works out for you, honey."

Alex nodded, and said, "Thanks for sharing your story. It helps to hear things like that."

Chapter 9

The rest of her time at the station and on the train was rather uneventful. It was a long wait between the time she had arrived and the time her train left. She didn't stand out with her backpacks, as there were many other travelers, especially young people, who looked similar. She had figured if the train left around two in the afternoon, she would spend overnight on it and tomorrow, she would have nearly the entire day to get acclimated to the city and figure out a place to live after she arrived. She had read the rentals section of the paper online, and knew she could find an affordable room in several parts of the city, so she would put all but one backpack in a locker at the train station, and set out on foot to find those areas. Her plan didn't work out exactly, but she found a job right away, making pizzas.

It was a rough night, with the train stopping many times before it pulled in to the station pretty close to the scheduled time of 9. Alex found lockers that cost a dollar in quarters to lock. She discovered that her two backpacks barely fit in a long locker, so she had to carry her other roll bag. She stopped to buy a hotdog from the street vendor outside the station, and she began walking north as she ate it. She was really just trying to acclimate herself to the city, while keeping her eye out for a sign that said, "Room for rent." The streets here in the city didn't look anything like the streets she had grown up around. There were no yards, and the sidewalks were huge, and some of them were littered. They were a different color from the sidewalks at home; here they were a dark slate gray and home they had been the lighter color of poured concrete. Everything seemed so busy, the traffic, waiting for lights to change to the walk signal – it was all very different for Alex. She had walked for about forty-five minutes and found herself on a street that had many shops and restaurants. Even though she had just eaten, the smells were making her hungry already. Seeing sign in the window that said, "Pizza, $1 per slice," she stepped inside the storefront to hear an angry altercation.

"Man, you are drunk! Drunk again and it's barely eleven o'clock on a Saturday. We're gonna get slammed in the next hour, and you couldn't make a pizza if your life depended on it! Go on, Tom, just get out of here. I can't use you anymore."

Tom didn't even protest. He hung his apron up and staggered toward the front door.

"Sorry, Tony." He mumbled it as he made his way past Alex.

"Fuck!" Tony screamed. He was a rather short man, a little overweight, with dark hair that was combed straight back and held in place with plenty or hair gel. There was a woman at the register who rather hissed as she said, "Tony, customer...knock it off." She was about the same height as Tony, and had her dark hair pulled into a neat, high ponytail with a pink scrunchy.

"What am I gonna do without help? You know I can't do it alone – "Tony kept up the dialogue, but he toned down his volume as he glanced at Alex. He was obviously quite upset.

"I'll try to help," the woman at the register said. Alex thought she must be related to Tony; she wasn't afraid of his anger and she was trying to help this short, round man.

"Well, put a help-wanted, pizza maker needed sign in the window, and I'll try to clean up this mess Tom made."

Tony started banging around, throwing away the half-made pizza mess made by Tom, and the woman started looking for paper to make a sign. She seemed to have forgotten Alex, the lone customer.

Alex was surprised when she heard herself say, "I can make pizzas. I've been working in a pizza shop for a year now, and I've just moved here, just today."

"No way!" The woman pushed her glasses up on her nose, and said, "What else can you make?"

"I've only made pizzas, but I'm sure I can learn to make other ...stuff."

"I'm just messing with you. We really only sell pizza, and Tony makes the sauce." She turned and said, "Tony, come here. "

He was busy rolling out the dough for a fresh pizza and glanced over, "Really, Rose Marie? You think I got time to come over there?"

"Tony, this customer heard you yelling at Tom, and says he can make pizza. Has a year of experience, too

. Somehow all your screaming didn't scare him!"

Tony stopped his work and came over to Alex and Rose Marie. "No way! Did you make thin crust? I don't like that thin crust shit. We make them deep dish style here."

"We made both kinds. I can do it. And I need a job. I just moved to town."

"Come around back the counter, and let's see what you got...what was your name?"

"Alex."

As she, whom Rose Marie thought was he, came around behind the register, Rose Marie said, "Welcome to Tony's, Alex."

The day went by in a blur. Alex didn't get to eat any pizza until mid-afternoon, and after making it Tony – style, she was amazed at the taste.

"This is so much better than where I work – worked." She corrected herself. Rose Marie had told her to come around front and sit at the table with her, to take a break. Tony was whistling as he counted inventory in preparation for Monday's order.

Rose Marie started talking to Alex. "We're closed on Sunday, but that may change. Can you stay today and come back Monday? You can work 5 or 6 days a week: Open to close. We're open noon to ten, but we expect the cooks to come in a little early and stay a little after cleaning up after closing. Dan, the night cook, comes in from dinner to close, but he'll need help for some of that time."

She stopped talking to give Alex some time to digest everything. Alex nodded that she understood, and Rose Marie continued to talk. "Are you interested, Alex?"

Alex nodded again, and Rose Marie continued, "Now, we can fill out paper work or pay you under the table. Any thoughts on that?"

At first, Alex couldn't think of what she meant by under the table. Then she realized it was without taxes. She asked what the pay was, and quickly realized she'd take home more under the table. Since she thought the job would only be temporary – until she was showing, or until she had the baby, she said she'd work under the table. Then she decided to ask for a little help finding a place to stay.

There were currently no customers, so as she ate her pizza and had a little break, she asked, "Rose Marie, I need a place to live. I honestly just came to town this morning. Do you have ideas about that?"

Rose Marie yelled back at Tony, "Hey, Tone, Alex here is looking for a place to live."

"That makes sense," Tony called back. "Just moved here, today, right?"

Alex nodded. Tony looked uncomfortable for a minute but then called back, "Alex, I know this is weird to ask, but I have to...are you a guy or a girl?"

Alex smiled, maybe for the first time that day. "A girl, and that happens all the time to me." There was a time, a few months ago, she considered it a compliment and dreamed about finding a way to make it permanent. Now, it was going to be obvious in a couple more months that she was a girl. She noticed Rose Marie's face registered surprise at her answer.

"Okay, girl Alex," Tony smiled. "I have wanted to ask that all day." His uncomfortable look disappeared as he continued, "Look, we have rooms upstairs. One has been empty for a couple of weeks. Nothing fancy, but it's clean – can't have bugs with a restaurant – and a fair price. Keep it clean - that's the one thing we insist. Keep it clean. No kitchens, just bed and bath. Everything works good, and it's safe here. You could get a little fridge for up there, but if you need to cook something, you use this kitchen. Capiche?"

Alex had a blank look on her face, not knowing whether she should nod in agreement or not. Rose Marie saw the look of confusion on her face, and said, "He's asking if you understand. 'Capiche' is understand in Italian...he really didn't say that yet today?"

Alex replied, "Actually, he has said it a few times, and I didn't know what it meant, but I'm also kind of weirded out that I walked in off the street, and now I have a job here, and you're willing to rent me a room, too? It's a lot!"

Rose Marie smiled maternally, even though she couldn't have been fifteen years older than Alex. "Stick with us; we're good people."

Just then, the door opened and three rowdy young men came tumbling through the door. Rose Marie stood up and one ran over and bear hugged her. "What are you trying to do, Sam?" She pulled away.

"Just hugging my big sister," Sam said forcefully, and then a bit more quietly, he added, "and looking for some pizza."

The two others with him stood back a little, watching Sam and Rose Marie, then looked at Alex. She was finishing the last of her pizza, and she was going to ask Rose Marie about getting her things from the train station. All she had with her was her one bag, but at least she had her toothbrush and a change of clothes. As soon as she stood up, Rose Marie tugged on her arm and said, "Alex, meet my brother, Sam. Sam, she's our new cook...and our new tenant upstairs." Rose Marie put a little emphasis on the 'she's,' probably to save her brother the embarrassment Tony had felt when he'd ask.

"No way – she's too young!" Sam looked at Alex and asked, "How old are?"

"Eighteen," was all she replied. She gathered up her paper plate, napkin, and drink from the table and looked back up.

Then Sam introduced her to his friends, told her they all went to college together, and went back to asking Rose Marie if they could snag a pizza from his favorite sister.

"You mean a free pizza?" That was Tony yelling over the counter. At first he looked serious, but then he smiled and said, "Alex, want to show them you're not too young?"

Alex went back behind the counter and shyly asked, "What kind of pizza were you thinking?"

"Everything pizza!" Sam announced it quite loudly. Alex realized this was a loud family, and she was going to have to learn to be a little noisier to survive.

"Is that what your friends want, too?" Alex asked, and when they nodded, she went to work making a special pizza for her new bosses' and landlords' brother and his friends. She was overwhelmed with how things had turned out so far, but so very happy that she began humming along with the radio that had been playing since she had walked in as she created a special pizza. She didn't even ask what size; she made them an extra-large, everything pizza, just as Tony had showed her. He had a few tricks she had not learned from Jan, back home, but he was clearly happy about how well she handled the dough. They had survived the busy lunchtime to his satisfaction, and before she took her break, he had told her he was impressed. She really didn't know when he and Rose Marie had had an opportunity to discuss offering her a job, but clearly they had both decided she was a keeper.

Alex was anxious to see the room, but as soon as the special pizza made its way to the oven, the night cook came in. There was a new round of introductions, and Dan seemed relieved that Tom was gone. He asked Alex a question that Tony hadn't.

"Alex, you don't have a problem with drinking, do you? Tom was a mess because of his drinking. Very unreliable."

She shook her head no, and told him she really didn't drink, which was true since learning she was pregnant. She pulled Sam's pizza from the oven and cut it before sliding it into a box. Dan nodded approvingly and told her he'd like her to stick around until the night business slowed down, usually by 9. Sam and his friends were giving her all sorts of compliments about the pizza, and promised to come back soon for another one. Then the phone started ringing and the door seemed to be in a constant state of opening and closing. Later on, when it finally slowed down, Rose Marie handed her two keys, and turned to Tony.

"Do you want to answer the phone while I show her the room, or do you want to show her?

While she was asking him, she put a couple of slices of pizza in a box, handed Alex a cup and told her to get herself a fountain drink to take with her. Rose Marie must have seen how tired she was.

Tony told Rose Marie to go ahead but make it fast. Alex grabbed her roll bag, and followed Rose Marie out the door. There was another door right next to it, and Rose Marie showed her which key fit in each part of the double lock. They climbed the stairs to a well-lit hallway that needed a fresh coat of paint, and Alex saw there were four identical doors, two on the right, and two on the left, numbered one through four. She walked to number 3 on the left and said, "We charge 60 a week or if you can pay by the month, $200."

She opened the door, and it was better than Alex expected. There was a single bed, a nightstand with a lamp, and a small table with one chair. The small window had a flimsy but clean curtain and a small air conditioner, and it faced the street. The mattress and pillow looked new, which Rose Marie confirmed. "Last tenant must have spilled a coffee in the bed. Had to throw it all out."

It was spotlessly clean, as was the small bathroom with just a sink, tiny mirror, and shower. There was a small shelf behind the door with a used, but clean set of sheets, a towel and a washcloth. On the second shelf, there was an unopened bar of soap and cleaning supplies.

"As Tony told you, we ask that you keep it clean. We try to give everyone an opportunity to do that by providing these things."

Alex looked at Rose Marie gratefully, and thanked her; she told her she had left the rest of her stuff at the train station, but she was so tired, she decided not to go back to the train station to get everything until tomorrow morning.

Rose Marie said good night, closed the door as she went out, and Alex got busy. She was exhausted, but managed to make up the bed and take a shower before she laid down. It was only a little after 10, according to her watch, but she fell asleep immediately.

Chapter 10

When she woke up the following morning, it didn't take Alex long to feel oriented. She lay there for several minutes taking in all that had happened in the past twenty-four hours. She had left home, arrived in her new city, found a job, and a place to live! She didn't have any idea what time it was, but when she raised the shade, she could see the sun fairly high up in the sky, so she assumed it was at least nine, maybe ten. She had a lot to do today. First, she needed to get her backpacks from the train station locker. After she brought them back here, she needed to get some food, and she planned to get a new phone, one of those reloadable phones without a contract. She probably needed to figure out her address – she really wasn't sure even what street Tony's Pizzeria was on, much less the address.

Suddenly, as Alex lay in the bed above Tony's Pizza, she felt a strange feeling in her stomach. It was like nothing she had ever felt before, and she realized it was the baby moving inside her. She placed her hands on her stomach, and was sure that was what she was feeling. It subsided and after lying in bed for a few minutes, she got up. It was time to start her day and take care of all the things on her list. She brushed her teeth and combed her hair, but had on the same clothes she had worked in and slept in. On her way out, she noticed four mailboxes labeled one through four inside the glass door, and the numbers 157 stamped in black near the top of door.

'Wonderful,' she thought to herself. 'I know my street number, but not the name of the street!'

That was easy though, as she noted it at the first intersection. She had no problem relocating the train station, partially because there were signs throughout the city pointing out the way, but also because it was only about six blocks away. She had probably walked a mile before stumbling upon Tony's Pizza yesterday. When she returned to the train station, she retrieved her belongings, bought a hot dog from the same vendor as the previous day, and returned to her new room. She took the time to unpack, and then set off again. She was able to find a decent reloadable phone and started with just 300 minutes, because right now, although she had no plans to call anyone back home, she thought she would need the phone for work and to follow her plans to find support for single parents.

She bought a newspaper and started walking back to her room when she passed by a church. Feeling drawn to the church and a little tired, she sat down across from it, on a bench meant for bus customers, and watched as people filed in the open door. She could hear a piano and guitar music playing a popular contemporary Christian song, but what really drew her was the mixture of people walking in. First she saw two women holding hands enter. Next, she saw a sixty-something -year-old man, at least they looked like a man, but was dressed as a woman, and finally, she saw two men, one Asian and the other Caucasian, wheeling a baby stroller with a baby in the front and a toddler sitting in the back.

'What kind of church is that?' she wondered to herself. She had gone infrequently as a child but always felt drawn to the idea that someone, a Supreme creator, loved her. She continued to watch the huge variety of people walking through the doors. There seemed to be families and singles, straight, gay, mixed race – she saw everything. The singing she could hear was beautiful, and she was disappointed when it stopped. She assumed the service had started, but she could no longer hear anything from inside, and she watched as, very quietly, a young woman pulled the door closed.

'Maybe one of these Sundays I will go,' she said to herself, and noted that it was just after noon. She realized she had not yet bought any food for her room, so she decided it was time to find a store. That took her longer than it had to find a job. She walked up and down the streets, four blocks north, four blocks south, and had started walking west, before she finally found a grocery store. She had no refrigerator, but instead bought a Styrofoam cooler, which she also used to carry the fruit, drinks, an ice pack, and packages of noodles that she thought she could cook downstairs at the restaurant. She needed to find a little refrigerator, because cereal and milk were a staple part of her diet, but she was pretty sure that would be too heavy to carry. She'd have to first figure out where they were sold, and see if she could carry it back to her room. Or maybe she could just use the fridge at the restaurant.

She ordered a sandwich from the deli at grocery store before she headed 'home.' It took her fifteen minutes to walk back, which wasn't nearly as long as she had taken to find the store. She ate, took a nap, and set out once again to get to know her new hometown. She had picked up a map of the city at the train station, and using it, she found the library, which was closed on Sunday, but she knew it would have free computers, her link to the world she had come here for.

Joining the library became harder than she had expected because she had no mail to prove her address, and she also needed the telephone number of someone who could verify it. On her first trip to the library, she stopped before it was time to work, but she left without even getting on a computer. But by the following week, she had asked Rose Marie to mail her something, and if she could use the pizzeria's phone number as a contact needed to join the library.

"Alex, I know you have a story to tell, coming here alone, from I don't know where. You're not one of those terrorists, are you?" Rose Marie looked serious for a moment, but broke into a smile. "It's okay, honey, you don't have to tell us your story until you are ready. Of course you can use the phone number, but here is my cell number, too, in case you ever need anything." Rose Marie also put a coupon to the restaurant in an envelope and mailed it to her that very day, so it wasn't long before Alex had access to the library. However, it turned out that Rose Marie was not sincere when she told her she would be there for her. The next two months went smoothly, but come mid-September, things began to change.

At 5'5", Alex wasn't all that tall, and she was really noticing the changes in her body. She frequently felt the baby moving, and sometimes she thought she could feel its little behind as it seemingly did somersaults inside her. She had bought herself new pants that were too big, for about two weeks. Then they fit, and she knew they too would become too small in a short time, but she had chosen ones that she hoped would stretch as the baby grew. She had an apron on at work and tried to tie it in a manner that would conceal her pregnancy, but Rose Marie was not fooled. Finally one afternoon, she confronted Alex.

"So I've figured out why you left home." She paused for a moment, looking hard at Alex. Her tone was accusatory. "Really, Alex? You weren't going to tell us you were pregnant?"

Alex felt her face flush. She looked at the disgust in Rose Marie's face and looked away. She wanted to explain, but she didn't have the chance.

"Alex, you have two weeks to find a new place to live, and to finish working here. Then you're gone, got it?" Rose Marie's voice had a cold edge to it that Alex didn't know existed.

She nodded and went back to work. Rose Marie had not even given her a chance to say a word, but really, what could she have said? She was pregnant, and she knew she couldn't work in this little kitchen right up until she had the baby. She had found the Center, the support she needed for young mothers, and she knew that by being paid under the table, it looked like she did not have a job. They would help her apply for the services she needed. She had continued to save, and had never opened a bank account. She had more than enough cash to pay for a security deposit on a new place to live, and from the Center, she learned that she would get welfare and WIC benefits. While Alex was very unhappy to have to start all over, she was pragmatic enough to realize it was the first of many doors that would slam in her face. And it had been good while it lasted.

It appeared that Rose Marie never told Tony until the day before Alex was leaving, because it was only on her last day that things changed from his perspective. He was very awkward around her and kept moving out of her way in a manner unfamiliar to the way they had worked side by side since her first day. She felt like he was treating her as if she had a contagious disease. When her shift finally ended, he paid her in cash and asked her if she knew tonight was her last night in the room upstairs, too.

"Alex, I know Rose Marie is making you leave – and I think it's best, too. Listen, honey, if you get yourself together and want to come back to work here, I'd have you back in a minute. You've been a great worker. But I won't give you a recommendation unless you are honest about being pregnant. That wasn't right not to tell us."

Alex nodded; she knew he was right. But she thought he wasn't all that honest either, paying her under the table. She had accepted it, though, so she was just as wrong as he was.

She tried to look forward. She was enrolled to start at the Center's childbirth and parenting classes the next week, and she had a list of room places they gave her that were nearby. The next morning, she left Tony's Pizza, both her job and her little room, and began the next phase of her life. She really hadn't planned ahead, she realized as she spent the last night in her room. She had to find a new place to live, and quick!

Chapter 11

She moved all her belongings back into lockers at the train station, which took two trips and two lockers this time. Then, she closed the door behind her and left the key inside as Rose Marie had asked. She was glad she had never bought a little refrigerator, but instead had found milk that didn't need refrigeration in foil boxes at the grocery store. It cost a lot more than normal milk, but she was not able to carry even a small refrigerator the 8 blocks from the store to her room, so she allowed herself this one luxury to have milk with her cereal.

She completely filled up the two lockers at the train station; this time she had some food in addition to everything she had brought from home. She had also bought some more clothes that fit, and kept her regular clothes to wear after the baby. She was still managing to wear her shirts, mainly because she normally wore baggy clothes.

After that was done, she used her cell phone to begin calling and looking at the small apartments and studios on the list The Center had given her. Some had nothing to rent, and three told her to stop by that afternoon. The first one was filthy and didn't feel safe at all. The lock on the door didn't even work, but the landlord seemed oblivious. The shower didn't work, and the sink looked as if it had never been cleaned. There was rotten food in the refrigerator – so smelly that she almost vomited from the stench. The next one ended up costing a lot more than the others and utilities were not included, so she knew that wasn't feasible. Finally, she found her next home. It wasn't much, but it had been cleaned since the last tenant, and it was available now. It had basic furniture, a futon, a small table with two chairs, and she could afford it. The refrigerator was clean, and she realized it would be great to have one again. She asked if she could move in right away, and the owner simply pro-rated the rent for the rest of the month. He asked her if she could pay monthly, and when she said yes, he said he'd only charged her ½ the security deposit.

She was surprised when he did that, and asked him, "You're okay with babies in the building, right?"

"I know you got my name from the Center," he said. He had told her his name was Andre, and that he was the one who rented the apartments and collected the rent. He continued, "I can see your condition. I don't mind babies here. But if this is for you and the baby's father, you need to tell me now."

The baby's father? Alex never even thought about the baby having a father! She looked up at the very tall man who was showing her the apartment, Andre, and said with the greatest sincerity, "No, this baby doesn't have a father."

"The immaculate conception!" He wasn't really mocking her, but she saw the amusement in his face.

"No, it wasn't the immaculate conception." She took a deep breath, and said, with no emotion, "I was raped."

Andre's face changed immediately. He softened, and said, "Oh, I didn't know. Please accept my apologies! You can imagine I have all sorts coming here from the Center, and the biggest problem is boyfriends."

"How could you know?" And she had no idea what made her say so, but she added, "There won't be any boyfriends. I like girls."

His eyebrows shot up when she divulged that information. But he didn't miss a beat before he told her, "Then maybe you and Juanita can hook up. She's your neighbor across the hall." He nodded out the door, where the door to her neighbor's was directly across the hall from her door.

Alex thought that was a strange statement, but it made more sense after she got to know Juanita.

"Well, are you taking it?" he pressed. "I think you'll make a good tenant."

She nodded, they shook hands, and she exchanged money for the keys.

"You'll be safe here, Alex. Welcome to the neighborhood."

She spent the rest of the afternoon retrieving her belongings and putting things away. She realized the apartment was very close to the church she had noticed the first Sunday she had moved here. She again thought she'd like to try it sometime. It was a Wednesday; she knew Rose Marie had let her go midweek, so she could replace her by the weekend. Alex thought that she would pass by the church over the next few days, and maybe even try it next Sunday. Then she had the idea to look it up online, to find out more about it. Since she didn't have to go to work, she decided to head to the library.

Even though it was after 5 on a Wednesday night by the time she got to the library, Alex had nearly four hours before it closed. First, she reserved a computer for an hour, so she could look up the church. What a lot she learned! She had only the address, not even the name, but it was easy to locate it by its address on Google Maps. Heaven's Haven, it was called, and it belonged to something called Metropolitan Community Churches. It was a pretty good sized building, and it was clearly a very open, accepting denomination towards members of the LGBTQ community. The church had two services each Sunday, and so many activities throughout the week that Alex was amazed. They ranged from a weekly soup kitchen with free meals for the homeless, to support groups for single parenting to support for LGBT. But what was even more amazing is the groups were broken into the specific categories: one for lesbians, one for gays, one for bisexuals and one for transgender! Alex's heart swelled as she felt accepted in a new way. After she signed off from the computer because her hour was up, she went to the parenting section and sat and read a magazine about babies before going home to her new studio. She stopped and bought a sandwich on her way, and as she carried it into her new building, she wondered if she could go to the transgender class at Heaven's Haven before having the baby. She felt a little disheartened at the thought that she might be rejected as being transgender and pregnant, but recalled the words at the top of every webpage the church had: "We believe in loving every neighbor as Jesus taught us to love one another. That means YOU!"

Chapter 12

After looking it up online, Alex walked to it every single day for a week. She just walked by, and some days she sat at the bus stop across the street. That was the first week. She didn't know why, but she wasn't ready to go to the Sunday service yet. On the following Wednesday, she went inside and sat in the sanctuary, trying to talk to God. She prayed a little, wept a little, and sat still. By Friday, her third day of doing that, an older woman came and sat behind her. When she got up to leave, the woman followed her out of the sanctuary and struck up a conversation.

"Hi there. I'm Connie." She had a very welcoming smile and her eyes had a warm look. Her short Afro was sprinkled with gray and she had a few scars on her otherwise smooth, brown face. One scar was deep and very close to her left eye, and another ran down the back of her cheek. She was dressed very casually, in a polo shirt and navy slacks, not unlike Alex. Of course, she didn't have an obviously pregnant appearance.

Alex just nodded and tried to return the smile, but failed.

"Would you like to talk a little?" Alex just had no idea how to respond, so she just looked at her and slightly shook her head no.

"It's okay, but if you want to talk, my office is right down that hallway. Please come see me any time."

Alex nodded at that remark, and Connie smiled warmly before she walked down the hall she had just pointed toward.

Not knowing how she felt about that invitation, Alex left the church and went back to the library until it was time for her parenting class at the center. She reserved a computer and immediately went to Heaven's Haven website. She clicked on the tab that was labeled, Our Staff.

That staff webpage had about ten different faces along with information about their roles at the church. Fourth from the top, she saw Connie's smiling face and read the blurb about her. She learned that Connie was 60 years old, and the mother of four, and married to a woman. She was an ordained minister with a counseling background, and she had had her first child at age 16. Connie's quote was, "Because I know He loves me, I know the Lord loves us all."

Reading a little about Connie and her personal quote allowed Alex to let down one of the barriers she had felt. Being alone, a teenager, and pregnant, there were many facets to her feeling like she didn't belong. She also lived with the knowledge that she was transgender, even though right now, that was not something she could work on. She looked at Connie's picture again, and felt there was something in her eyes that just made her feel accepted and even loved. She switched off the computer and walked to the Center, feeling completely unable to deal with the idea that she was loved or accepted. That evening was the first time she met Juanita.

She was coming into the building at dinner time after spending the rest of the day in parenting classes. Today, they had learned about keeping the baby clean, and the task looked daunting. She was thinking about how on earth she would manage to change diapers and wash all the baby parts, when Juanita opened the door to her apartment as Alex reached hers.

"Hey, neighbor! I'm Juanita."

Alex saw a dark haired Hispanic woman with a bright fabric headband and long dangly earrings. She caught a whiff of perfume and noticed her fingernails had polish on them. She did not look like she belonged in this building – the only other tenant Alex had seen badly needed a shower and clean clothes.

"I'm Alex," she heard herself reply. "I moved in last week."

"I know! Andre mentioned it to me when I paid the rent today. Did you really tell him you were a lesbian?"

Alex shyly smiled. "Yes, I guess I did. I told him I liked girls. He was so worried I was going to bring a baby-daddy to the apartment, I had to convince him I wouldn't. "

She stopped, and she then added, "He made me think you like girls, too."

"Oh, Lordy! It's a little more complicated than that!" Juanita rolled her eyes. She paused, looked Alex up and down, and finally said, "Alex, is that a sandwich you have in your bag? Want to come in and share dinner with me?"

Alex hesitated. This was weird, having a neighbor want half her dinner, but she was also very lonely. Before she answered, Juanita continued talking.

"You look a little confused, Alex! I just stopped and got myself a sandwich, I'm pretty sure from the same shop. I guess the way that came out sounded like I wanted to eat half of yours! And you are eating for two!" Looking at the relief on Alex's face, Juanita saw her assumption was right, and continued, "No, no, that's not what I meant. I just wondered if we could eat together, right here in my place?"

That seemed a little more reasonable, and Alex heard herself say she'd like that. She never even opened her studio door, but followed Juanita into hers. That night was the beginning of the really nice friendship between the two of them.

Chapter 13

Just through exchanging their stories, Alex and Juanita knew each other on a deeper level than most new friends. Their mutual struggles, and for Alex, watching Juanita work so hard to save for her gender-altering surgery, had formed a connection between them that was hard to define. There was something very loving and nurturing about Juanita, and it was hard not to enjoy just being around her. Because they had each been born in the body that the other identified with, they talked about things that would seem foreign to many young people. One evening, not long after they had shared their stories, and before Bo was born, Juanita had knocked on her door with a bag of cookies, and said, "Let's have some fun tonight!"

Alex hadn't really done anything fun since she left home, but she really couldn't imagine what fun a bag of cookies could offer. Juanita was quick to show her. She opened the white bake shop bag, and pulled out three gigantic, delicious looking, chocolate chip cookies. Then she produced three zippered baggies. She proceeded to put one cookie in each bag, zipped them safely inside, and she began to explain the game to Alex.

"You know how badly I want to walk like a woman, instead of like a man. I know you haven't said so, but I bet you want to walk like a man. Well, Alex, we can help each other out, and we'll practice with these cookies."

Although she was smiling because Juanita made the game sound like fun, Alex could not imagine how these cookies would help her walk like a man. Plus, what about the baby belly she could no longer hide? What man would have that to contend with? And that is what she asked Juanita, who had a ready answer.

"You will judge my walk, and I'll judge yours, but we are only judging from the back. I'm going to put this cookie on my head, and I have to balance it as I practice my womanly sashay. Then you will do the same as you learn to walk more manly. It's not going to be easy, you know? The cookies will slide off at first. But with practice, we are going to get much better. We get to eat the cookie when we make it across the room without losing our cookie while walking like the gender we know we are!"

They spent a good hour practicing, failing, giggling, and finally eating their cookies. They split the final cookie when they both walked perfectly – according to each other's judgment. It was a silly game, but the most fun Alex had had in a long time.

It was Juanita who brought home the video on childbirth and watched it with Alex. She volunteered to go to the birthing classes with Alex, and it was Juanita who called the cab to bring Alex to the hospital when her labor pains were five minutes apart late on a Thursday night. Alex had been going to the Center since she left Tony's. There, she received prenatal checkups and took parenting and childbirth classes. Alex pretty much knew what to expect when her labor started, but having Juanita in the cab with her, and in the labor and delivery room, holding her hand and cheering her on as she pushed Bo out, made this very hard situation more manageable.

Alex recalled the birthing classes at the Center – there were lots of young girls who brought their mother, or their aunt, a few had their boyfriends there, and one had brought her grandmother, so having Juanita as her childbirth coach wasn't too attention grabbing. The few girls that brought the baby's father were in the minority, but Alex was pretty sure Juanita was the only transgender coach. She knew she was the only transgender parent, too, but she had made the decision to keep that part of her life private from the Center. Alex smiled as she recalled the shocked look on the nurse's face when Juanita sashayed into the birthing room the night Bo was born to assist.

"Who are you?" the plain-Jane, all-business nurse had demanded.

Both Juanita and Alex answered at the same time. "The birthing coach."

They had set this up before the birth, and the consent form confirmed Juanita's role. Juanita's eyes were dark with make-up, and her eyebrows were perfectly arched, but her hair was concealed by scrubs she was given. In spite of her labor pains, Alex, for the first time ever, saw that Juanita had some angular features more common in men. Never before had she looked at Juanita as anything but female, but as she saw the nurse's reaction, she realized her gender was ambiguous. She shrugged off the feeling as another wave of labor hit her, and Juanita came over and held her hand.

"Breathe, Alex! Deep slow breaths, honey." Her voice was deep and throaty, but it was commanding and loving at the same time. And when Alex responded, the nurse's reaction changed.

The birth had really not been difficult. Her labor progressed pretty rapidly for a first baby, and four and a half hours after they had checked in, Bo was laying on top of Alex, and Juanita's make-up was running down her face as she cried.

"Oh Lord, Alex! That was the most amazing thing I've ever seen!" She cooed down at Bo and said, "I'm your Auntie Juanita! Welcome to this world!" She had looked at Alex and said, "Oh, how I wish one day I could do what you just did! Thank you for letting me share this with you!" She giggled a little as Bo rooted to find Alex's small breast, and made a feeble attempt to suck it.

There were two nurses in the room at that time, and Alex just squeezed Juanita's hand and thanked her for being there. She felt a bit nauseated at the thought of this baby sucking on her breasts, but she allowed it. She thought for the briefest moment how ironic it was that she had just used her uterus and vagina, two body parts she really never intended to use in her lifetime, and how much Juanita wished she had been born with those parts. She wished there was a way to give them both to Juanita. At least Juanita had breasts, thanks to the hormones she took, but Alex knew, that Juanita's breasts were not going to produce milk, and that seemed so sad to Alex. She carefully wrapped up Bo and handed him to Juanita, who gratefully accepted him with a new flood of tears washing down her face. She cooed to Bo, using his name, which Alex had been calling her baby bump for a couple of months before he was born. Juanita rocked him gently as she moved around the room, singing softly to him, and he fell asleep in her arms.

Juanita stayed for a little longer, and finally left, because she couldn't miss a day of work. The next thing Alex knew, a lactation nurse was standing over her, speaking softly to waken her from her sleep.

"It's time to feed your baby, Alex!" She said this in a sing song voice. "Little man here is starting to stir, and I will help you learn the best techniques for feeding him. I understand you've taken parenting classes and are in favor of breastfeeding?"

Alex nodded, although she briefly reconsidered how she was again using these parts of her body that she really never wanted. Then she paid close attention as the nurse gently handed Bo to her and showed her how to get him to latch on. He was very cooperative this time, not nearly as sleepy as right after he had arrived, and he caught on very quickly. The lactation nurse built her confidence and gave her a small book on breastfeeding.

"You've done very well, Alex. If you have any questions, you can call us at this number. Good luck with your baby." And with that, she left. Alex let Bo finish feeding, using both breasts and marking the one he finished on, so she would know where to start next time. Then she put the sleeping baby back in the bassinette, and drifted back to sleep again.

Juanita visited her after work. She offered to take Bo and walk him around after Alex finished nursing him, and when Alex handed the baby to her, Juanita looked like it was the biggest honor of her life. Alex knew it was customary to stay one night after giving birth, but she was ready to go home as soon as she could. She was having no complications; in fact, she was surprised at how good she felt. She was cooperative with the nurses, walking whenever they suggested it, and was very careful with listening to their instructions with Bo. The doctor who delivered Bo checked on her twice, and said she could leave in the morning after she spoke to the social worker.

Alex had known that as a single parent, the hospital would send a social worker to visit her. As soon as she told the young woman she had taken classes at the Center and planned to continue, the atmosphere changed.

"Miss Brown," she said to Alex, this time as she looked her in the face, "we think highly of the Center. I'm thrilled you've taken classes there, and plan to continue. Do you have a job?"

Alex said she did not, but she was getting public assistance and planning to take classes to help prepare to enter the workforce.

"Do you have a ride home with the baby?"

"I'm planning to take a taxi, "Alex replied.

"Well, since you've attended classes at the Center, we would like you to call them for a ride home, with the baby in an approved car seat. If you wish, I can call them right now, since you'll be discharged shortly."

Alex had completely forgotten that part of the Center's services. She now remembered the conversation during class about avoiding taxi rides because car seats were not required. The Center had volunteers with baby car seats who would bring the new mothers home safely. They even watched a short video showing what happened to dolls during impact when they were not correctly strapped in. So that was how Alex and Bo left the hospital and went home to the small studio apartment. The Center volunteer gave Alex an infant seat, some freshly washed baby blankets, and a tote bag full of disposable diapers. The hospital also presented her with a departing bag full of diapers, baby soaps and shampoo, and a booklet on newborns. There was also an appointment card for Bo's first checkup.

Juanita and Alex had already prepared the crib for Bo, and when Alex laid her sleeping baby in the crib, she noticed Juanita had added a few new items. The short dresser had a changing pad on it, and there was a plastic shelf next to it with baby wipes and stacks of diapers. Alex was so grateful to this friend, and she couldn't wait to thank her. She laid down on the futon, and almost immediately drifted off to sleep.

When she woke because Bo was stirring, Alex gathered him up and changed him on the area Juanita had created from the short dresser. She talked to him, and he quieted down a little, although Alex knew he was ready to nurse. She settled down with him on the futon, and reflected on her friendship with Juanita as Bo nursed. She was a real blessing, and Alex appreciated her so much.

Chapter 14

Although her two jobs kept her quite busy, Juanita somehow made time for Alex, and now for Bo, too. Juanita's friendship meant so much to Alex, especially now because she was wonderful to Bo, too. Every now and then, Juanita would knock on the door with a new toy or a cute little outfit for Bo, both before he was born and over the past weeks since he had arrived. She was the only one who gave Bo anything, other than what Alex was given at the Center. She also had told Alex she would help her paint the walls to the studio. The landlord would even buy the paint, Juanita had told her, as long as he didn't have to provide the labor.

One Saturday, when Juanita didn't have to be at work until the nightclub at six that night, they brought Bo into Juanita's apartment as he slept in his infant seat. He was just six weeks old. They propped the door open, and did the same to Alex's studio across the hall. Then they set to work painting the entire studio a sunny yellow, not too bright, but much better than the dingy walls had been. It didn't take them long with Alex painting the walls and Juanita doing all the cutting in around the baseboard, door, and window. Then they opened the window, closed the door to Alex's studio, and went back to Juanita's to clean up and spend the afternoon.

Juanita's apartment was an extension of herself. She'd lived there for two years, and instead of stark, minimal furniture like Alex's, it was draped with exotic looking wall hangings, batik fabric laying over three comfy, overstuffed chairs. She had a full size bed behind a foldable partition, and it had a frilly pink and purple bedspread on it and a few matching pillows. Her shower was in better shape than Alex's, and they used it to clean the paintbrushes and the paint off themselves. Just as they finished doing that, Bo started to stir, and Juanita helped Alex change his diaper and get situated in one of her chairs to feed him. When he was done, they laid him on the bed, and watched as he raised his little head so high, looking down at the colors on the spread. Juanita produced a rattle and shook it in front of him, and he followed it with his little dark eyes.

"I think you two should stay in here tonight until the paint is dry and we can get the smell out, Alex. I'll be gone until three or four – what do you say?"

"Thanks, Juanita. I think we could be really comfortable in here while you're working. I might even turn on your TV – I don't know the last time I watched a television show!"

And that was the first night Alex stayed at Juanita's. When Juanita came in after working, Alex was asleep in her bed, and Bo was on a blanket between two of the chairs. Juanita changed into a nightgown and crawled in next to Alex. She didn't stir when Bo woke to be fed. This time, after he burped, Alex laid him back down on the blanket on the floor, and shook the new rattle. He seemed to enjoy it. He kicked his little legs, cooed softly, and after a while, he seemed to grow tired. Juanita finally woke up as Bo was drifting back to sleep right there on the floor. Alex made her coffee and then went back to her studio to close up the window. She was amazed at how the paint transformed the place. When she returned to Juanita, she found her laying on the floor singing softly to the soundly sleeping baby. For a moment, she saw what a family could look like – a mother like Juanita, singing to baby Bo. She couldn't imagine life without her. Their friendship was special, and continued to grow over the following months.

It was not unusual for Juanita to bring little things home from work for Alex or the baby. She said she raided the sales and used her store discount, and brought home all sorts of treasures. When Alex tried to object that she was spending too much money, Juanita explained that she set aside a little of tips from the nightclub just for Baby Bo. That was the name they had come up with for the baby, without knowing its sex. Although the Center provided the bare necessities, there was much more waiting for Bo's arrival. There were baby blankets and baby outfits. Alex thought maybe Juanita had bought too much, but it turned out every single item was used, sometimes twice in one day after the laundry was done. Nothing was blue or pink; Juanita brought home clothes that would go for either gender.

"This baby's gender is not going to be determined by his or her genitals!" Juanita was trying to explain the choice of colors.

"Juanita, you don't have to explain that to me!" Alex exclaimed. "Baby Bo will let us know. If only we'd had that luxury."

Juanita nodded, and continued to bring home gifts. The best thing she brought home for Alex was a maternity sweat suit. Juanita insisted it had been marked down to just five dollars, but to Alex it was a huge luxury. It was warm and grew with the baby. In fact, it was what she had on the night she went into labor, and it was what she wore on the trip home from the hospital after giving birth.

Chapter 15

A short time after meeting Connie, and before she had Bo, Alex had continued to feel drawn to Heaven's Haven. It was another four days before Alex went back. She couldn't stop herself. She again went into the sanctuary and sat and talked to God. She prayed to feel comfortable enough to go to church soon. This time, Connie didn't follow her in, but she was sitting in a comfortable chair that was just outside the sanctuary when Alex came out.

Alex felt less shy about talking to her. She even used her name when she returned Connie's greeting.

"Hi Connie," she shyly said. But something felt good about saying someone's name. She was feeling pretty isolated.

"Were you brought up in the church?" Connie asked, without even asking for her name. Somehow, that made Alex feel more comfortable.

"Not really," Alex answered. "I went to Vacation Bible School a few summers, and occasionally to church on a holiday, but not much else. I've always believed there was something greater than just people, someone or something that was responsible for all the Earth."

"That's pretty deep for someone who wasn't brought up with a faith life."

Alex sat in the matching chair next to Connie, and Connie said, "I'm guessing I was younger than you are when I had my first child. It was a pretty scary experience for me."

"I'm 19," Alex answered. "Three years older than you were." Alex was letting Connie know she had read hear bio. She continued, "My situation is the result of rape."

Connie nodded, "Yes, so was mine. You see this scar by my eye? He held a knife close to my face and said he'd cut my eye out if I screamed."

Alex was astonished to hear that. Her rapist had punched her, she recalled. Instead of keeping the conversation on the topic of rape, she blurted out, "Connie, I'm a mess. I had planned to go to college after high school. I am transgender. I have known it since I first heard that word. But now I am having a baby. I had planned to have my uterus removed as soon as I could afford it. Now there's a baby growing in it." She looked at Connie, and stopped talking for a moment. Connie's eyes remained warm, and did not register any kind of judgment. At that point, someone else came in the door. It was a man, whom Connie greeted, "Hey, Marshall!"

He returned the greeting, nodded to Alex, and went into the sanctuary, closing the door softly behind him.

"We can talk more privately in my office," Connie said to Alex. This time, Alex nodded, and she followed Connie down the hallway to her office.

There was soft, instrumental music playing in the background. Connie's office had a lot of natural wood, knotty pine on the walls, the bookshelves, the furniture, and the solitary window frame. She also had lots of photographs, likely of her family, and many books.

She nodded toward the chairs that matched those outside the sanctuary. These two were set in a corner with a small wooden table between them. Alex sat down in one, and Connie in the other. They were facing each other at a slight angle. There was a warm and peaceful feeling in the room, and it smelled of lavender.

Now Alex let her guard down. She told Connie her name was Alex, and that she had left home right after graduating from high school, without telling anyone what was going on. She also shared with Connie the classes she took at the Center, and about the job with Tony and Rose Marie, and about how badly that had ended. She told her about the night she had gotten pregnant. Alex also described to her how kind her neighbor, Juanita, had been, and that they had talked about coming to the church together.

Connie was a good listener, nodding and empathetic. If she felt pity, Alex didn't see it. Instead, when Alex finally stopped talking, she heard words of admiration at all she had managed to do by herself.

"Alex, your story is amazing! You found this city and the Center through your own hard work. You have things set up for you and your baby, and you even found a job for part of the time. You are an impressive person!"

Alex flushed at the compliment. She hadn't expected anyone to think she had accomplished anything, other than to get herself into a mess. It was as if Connie read her mind, because the next thing she said was, "Alex, you clearly have the grace of God with you. All these things happened to you, and nothing you have done caused them. Yet you are managing your personal hardships. But honey, you don't need to feel so alone. Can't you feel the love God has for you? He does, Alex!"

An unexpected tear slipped out and rolled down Alex's cheek, and she brushed it away, frustrated by the emotions she couldn't control. She knew she came here to this church to talk to God, and she knew it was because she needed His love. Hearing Connie tell her about it was comforting and at the same time, hard to handle.

Connie reached over and gently laid her hand on Alex's arm. A warm feeling overcame Alex as Connie said a brief prayer:

"Heavenly Father, let your love rain down on Alex. Let her feel whole and content, knowing You are with her always."

That was it, but a peaceful feeling of love washed over Alex, and without planning to, she heard herself ask Connie about Sunday services.

Connie told her the times, which were also posted outside, but she told her the service she thought Alex would feel the most comfortable attending was at noon on Sundays. She told her she hoped Alex would attend soon, but there was no pressure. As Alex was leaving, Connie said, "Please stop in any time. I'm here every day!"

Alex nodded and walked out the door. Instead of going back to her studio apartment, or to the Center, she walked all the way downtown to the store she knew employed Juanita. She had no idea why she did that, but as she neared the door, Juanita was walking out with a customer who seemed to be following her. Alex stepped back against the building and watched.

It was so strange when Alex realized she recognized the face of the customer – she had seen her at the Center. Her name was Lily, and she helped the participants get jobs. Alex had only been introduced to her, but she hadn't actually had any meetings about jobs yet. That wouldn't happen until a few months after the baby was born. Alex could see that Juanita was very engrossed in the conversation, which Alex was unable to hear. Finally, Juanita nodded and turned in the direction of Alex, as the customer walked in the other direction. Recognizing Alex immediately, Juanita called out loudly, "OMG! Alex! I can't believe you walked all the way here!!" With that, she ran to her, even in her lovely heels, gave Alex a warm embrace and said, "Come on, let's go sit at the park."

That was the first of many times Alex walked to meet Juanita for lunch. It was so nice to have someplace to go and someone to talk to. Juanita was a wonderful friend, and very caring about Alex and after he was born, the baby, too.

One day, before she had the baby, Alex was walking to meet Juanita, but she had taken a different route. Rather than staying on the main city streets, she was weaving her way through a neighborhood. Just as she was walking past a two flat house, an older woman came out with a baby stroller. It was empty. She took one look at Alex and said, "You need a stroller?"

Alex looked behind her to see if there was anyone else behind her. She pointed to herself and asked, "Me?"

"Who else would I be asking?" The lady gave a slight grin. "It's old, but it ain't broken. My baby is 35 years old and I don't need it. I'm just cleaning out my old junk."

Alex couldn't believe it. She looked at the stroller, realizing it was pretty old, but it was intact, and just needed scrubbing. "I'd love it, but I don't have any money to buy it."

"Oh, I'm not asking for any money. I'm just trying to get rid of stuff I ain't gonna need any more. I was just gonna leave it out here on the sidewalk and hope someone would take it, and you came walking down the street. Seems like good timing to me!"

She pushed it toward Alex and said, "It still rolls just fine."

Alex was thrilled to have a stroller. She was walking so much now she couldn't imagine not being able to get out when with the baby.

"Thank you! Can I repay you in another way?"

"I'm happy just to have it out of my house. Go ahead and take it with you."

So that's what Alex did, just a few weeks before Bo was born, as she continued her walk to meet Juanita, pushing an empty old stroller. Juanita was just as thrilled as she was, and inspected it thoroughly when she saw it.

"This is a really well-built stroller, Alex. We'll just clean it up and it will be perfect for the baby!"

And that was how she acquired a stroller, which now was parked inside the front door of her studio.

Chapter 16

Here Alex was more than half a year later, staring at the still fresh-looking walls of her tiny studio apartment, thinking of how grateful she was for Juanita's friendship. It was 8 o'clock at night, and Bo would sleep until at least six in the morning. These were the times that Alex appreciated having Juanita in her life. She often stopped in, still bringing treasures for Bo, and always had a funny story to tell from her job at the store, and sometimes she had even more outrageous stories about her weekend waitressing job. Juanita dated a little, but she had no one serious in her life. She said it was her choice.

"Sure, I'd like a partner in my life. Sure, I'd like some strong arms to hold me. But I just don't know that I could ever find anyone to understand the trans thing, at least not until I've had my surgery."

And although Alex and Juanita spent the night together now and then, it was never sexual. It was just comforting. They shared experiences that just made them close, and Juanita's genuine care for Bo meant so much to Alex. Other than Juanita, the only real socialization Alex had was when she finally started going to the church, Heaven's Haven. She went once before Bo was born, and several times since, she'd gone, pushing Bo in the stroller. She sat in back, near the doors in case he started crying, and found she enjoyed the services very much. Although she didn't go every week, she had started to recognize some of the congregants. She loved the praise band, and she'd heard sermons by three different pastors. One was Connie, and the other two were men; she learned were married to each other. The sermons always contained messages of love and acceptance for all. Every time she came in, someone would ask her if she wanted to bring Bo to the nursery, but she was definitely not ready to do that. She always said thank you and told them she wanted to keep him with her. No one pressured her about it. It was just a friendly offer.

As she thought about Juanita and the church, Alex knew she should be doing her homework for her class at the Center, but at the moment, she was feeling lonely more than anything else. All she could think about was how she wished at this moment Juanita would knock softly on the door as she did fairly often. Sometimes she was empty-handed, sometimes she had small gifts, but she always brought a presence of joy when she came in. But it was times like this, with no one around her, that made Alex think about all she missed of her life before she had left. First, before she allowed her thoughts to go there, she began to ponder what life was like now.

Living on public assistance and food stamps was tough, but she was able to afford this tiny apartment and enough food for the two of them. Of course, she could rarely afford the jars of baby food she knew other babies ate at Bo's age, but she was able to make him eggs, give him yogurt, and cook him chicken, which she shredded and mashed by hand. She had nursed him until his first tooth came through. It had been such a hard thing for her to do, using those breasts that she had never wanted and had tried to hide in high school. But she had come to the Center before she had delivered him, and through the classes on baby care she attended, she learned about the choices she had to make regarding how to feed her baby. They really encouraged the mothers to breastfeed. They made it clear it was not okay to drink alcohol or use drugs while breastfeeding, but they also made it clear it was the easiest, cheapest, and safest way to feed a baby. No bottles, no formula. So for six, almost seven months, she had fed him with the breasts she one day hoped to lose through surgery. It had been a bittersweet experience, nourishing him and hating her breasts. But as soon as he could do it, she had weaned him to a cup.

Now, he had two teeth, with two more about to break through, and he loved to gnaw on his the few toys she had for him. She had been given a few things at the Center, and she had noticed the way he had crawled after the bright red ball that was in the nursery there. She was grateful for the Center, and still attended parenting classes there as well as classes that would ultimately lead to helping her get a job. They also had a steady supply of used baby clothes that the young mothers were encouraged to take as they needed them, at no cost. They only asked that once the baby outgrew the clothes, they were returned to the Center for another to take.

This night, as Alex realized she was feeling lonely, she reflected that just today, she had finally met someone there she felt she could actually talk to. It wasn't one of the other teen parents, but a new intern from the local community college. Her name was Andrea, and she seemed to warm up to Alex immediately. Lily, the woman at the center that helped the young parents prepare for job interviews, had introduced them. They were close to the same age, Alex thought, and Andrea was so warm and open. Most of the time at the Center, Alex just concentrated on learning all she could. She never really talked to the other young parents, who were almost all girls, several years younger. But this Andrea had zoned in on her from the beginning. She talked to her about having barely finished high school herself. Alex was pretty sure most of the girls at the center had dropped out because they were taking classes to get their GEDs, but she had finished. And she didn't say so to Andrea tonight, but she had done fairly well in school, and had intended to learn to be an X-ray technician before becoming pregnant. She didn't have a lot of interest in her classes during those last few months of high school, knowing she was pregnant and would soon leave home, so when this Andrea had talked about how awful she had found high school, Alex could relate.

After that brief conversation about high school, Alex found that she couldn't stop her thoughts from going back to that time, when she'd had a group of friends that she could always talk to. None of them were trans, as she called herself, but she was part of a group of kids who connected because they didn't fit the mainstream as far as sexuality went. Bi, lesbian, gay...just like the LGBTQ acronym; they hung out together in high school. A couple of straight kids hung out with them, too. They went out together to movies and such on the weekends, ate lunch together at school, and had their own group. One of the older teachers had even started a club for them, calling it a gay straight alliance group. She had meetings for them during lunch hour and sometimes after school, and she let them decide what activities they wanted to plan. She was cool with it when they told her they mostly just wanted to hang out, but when they wanted to participate in the local pride celebration, she helped them get a booth and had them make flyers to hand out. It just told a little about their group, and gave others ideas for support. Handing them out at Pride was going to be the last activity they would do together after graduation, but Alex didn't get to participate. The parade was in the summer, and Alex was gone before it.

She sadly reflected those days ended over a year ago. She had started to pull away from the group when she discovered she was pregnant, and she had left home the day after she graduated from high school. Her mother had taken her out for a celebration dinner after graduation, along with her brothers, aunt and uncle, and grandfather. Aunt Jo and Uncle Rich and Grandpa had given her a monetary gift and asked her about her plans, now that high school was over. She had looked at each of them and said she was going to work for the summer and try to figure it out. They had all expected her to go to college, to be the first one in the family to go, and they knew money was tight for Alex and her mother, but they were too kind to ask her why she hadn't figured it out already. Grandpa was always kind of tuned out, so he just nodded and smiled a lot. Alex knew he probably hadn't heard half the conversation, anyway. He hadn't really been too interested when Alex's mother finished high school, and he probably wasn't any more interested in Alex. Her two younger brothers were there, too, eating all the free bread that was served at the restaurant, and fidgeting as they waited for their dinner to arrive. It was unusual for the entire family to go to a restaurant because money was so tight, and Alex knew her mother wanted it to be a special time for her.

Aunt Jo and Uncle Rich were just a little younger than Alex's mother, and they were always nice to Alex, but she knew they found her weird. When she turned sixteen and had gotten a job which led to her first very short haircut – it was very, very short, and Uncle Rich had actually said to her, "Alex, what on earth did you get a haircut like that for? Are you trying to look like a boy?"

Aunt Jo had been horrified that he had asked that, but Mom had just said, "Damn it, Rich. Leave her alone. She can wear her hair anyway she wants."

Uncle Rich just shrugged. "She's your kid, Ellen. If you're okay with it, I guess I have to be, too."

It was interesting that Mom had stuck up for her, because that sure wasn't the reaction when Alex had come in with the new 'do. Mom had been appalled at the time.

"What the hell happened to your hair, Alex?" she had said when she saw it.

"I like it." That was all Alex had said. She and her mother never really talked much, and that pretty much ended the conversation.

Thinking back on graduation night, the last night she saw any of them, her family or her friends, made Alex a little homesick. She knew her life hadn't been great, but she also knew they were probably worried about her because she left without notice. She hadn't left much of a note or told any of them she was leaving. She had simply gotten up that morning, packed everything she thought she would need and could fit into two large backpacks – one she already had owned, and the other she had purchased as she made her plan to leave. In another small roll bag, she packed some clothes and personal things, a little food and all her money, and begun the walk to the train station. Her mother likely wouldn't realize she was gone for a day or two. Because of her job working at the pizza place at night, it wasn't unusual for Alex and her mother not to see each other for a few days at a time. She hadn't taken her phone because she knew she wouldn't be able to afford it, and also that it would be a way for her whereabouts to be discovered. She had arranged to cancel the plan to be effective the day she left.

She had spent time developing a plan to leave and she'd decided where she would go. She didn't know exactly what she was going to do once she got there; she couldn't see past the fact that her pregnancy was going to become obvious soon, in spite of the fact that she wore loose-fitting clothes. And she wasn't going to make it her mother's problem. It was her problem, and the solution was hers to figure out. She truly believed that leaving was her only option.

Meeting Andrea earlier that afternoon had somehow rekindled her dream of going to school to become an X-ray technician. She and Andrea had made plans to talk again in two days, after Alex's next class, and when she had finished her homework, which was on interviewing for a job, Alex started to make a list of questions she had about going to school rather than to work. Or maybe she could make a list for each? She began to get excited as she wrote all the things she needed to find out. What kind of requirements, how to apply for admission and financial aid, day care for Bo. The questions just flooded her mind as she made her list of questions to ask Andrea.

Chapter 17

Thursday couldn't come fast enough. Alex actually left Bo at the Center for two hours on Wednesday. They had something they called a "drop in" time, when those enrolled at the Center could leave their babies in the care of volunteers for a set time. It was the first time Alex had left Bo with anyone other than Juanita. She brought him to her classes and every place she went. But the pull to find out about possibly going to school was so strong that she made arrangements and left him while she went to the library. She practically ran all the way there, and felt guilty about enjoying the run. But after an hour and a half, she had gathered a lot of information, the names of several close by programs, and the requirements for admission. Although she had asked to leave Bo for two hours, she arrived back at the Center well before her time was up. She felt joyful when she walked in and saw him sitting in a swing that had music going as it automatically rocked him. He smiled when he saw her, but he didn't cry.

"He's been a good boy," the volunteer with silver hair told her. "I just put a fresh diaper on him, and I thought he might enjoy the swing for a bit."

Shyly, Alex told her it was the first time she'd left him.

"Well, I hope you'll bring him again. My name is Ava, and I'm here every Wednesday."

As they talked, Alex saw Bo's eyes were growing tired. She looked anxiously at Ava and asked,

"Is it all right to let him fall asleep in the swing?"

Ava smiled warmly and replied, "Sure! He'll likely wake up when you try to take him out of it, or when the rocking stops. Why not watch and see what happens? I think the swing's timer has about ten minutes left on it."

While they watched him, Ava asked her about all the things Bo could do. Yes, he rolled over both ways, and yes, he reached for toys. He recognized Alex, whom Juanita referred to as "Dama" when she spoke to Bo. She said it was her own combination of Dada and Mama. He also lit up every time Juanita walked in. "He knows me and our good neighbor. But other than the Center here, he doesn't know a lot of other people."

"You have no family here?" Alex felt Ava was asking, not prying, because she genuinely seemed interested.

"No," Alex shook her head. "I left home when I got pregnant. My mom had enough on her plate without me adding to it."

Ava was silent for a moment, and she reached over and patted Alex's arm. "Now that you're a mother, too, I bet you realize we mothers would do quite a lot for our children. Maybe your mom would have reacted differently than you think."

Alex was startled when Ava said that. She had really never looked at her problems as anything to share with her mother. But now she saw things in a different light, and having this conversation with Ava was opening her mind to a new realization. Maybe her mother would have wanted to help her. It was such a complicated relationship, and the transgender part was so big, but being a mother was something her mother knew about.

Alex felt a shift within and thanked Ava for all of it – watching after Bo, the adult conversation, the possibility of Bo having a grandmother. For Alex, much more than looking at X-ray technician programs had happened over the past two hours.

Part three

Chapter 18

Lily was bubbling over with excitement as we were sitting down to a scrumptious lunch at Our Place. She had so many things on her mind. She spoke so quickly about all of them, names that I had not heard before – Juanita – from the large department store, who had arranged for the girls to have make-overs before their interviews. Then she spoke about Alex and Andrea, whom I knew about.

"Oh, Mara, you just won't believe how amazing Andrea is! You know how I hand-picked her for Alex. Some sort of intuition made me do that. They connected immediately – that first night!"

Of course, I knew that already, because Andrea had stopped by to talk about it, but I had not seen Lily since then. This was our first lunch in a month.

Lily continued, "Andrea is helping Alex, who I finally have figured out is a girl, but transgender! It's the first time I've known anyone who is transgender, Mara! Anyway, she's helping Alex get a job at the hospital, because before she got pregnant, Alex's plans included becoming an X-ray technician."

Lily finally took a breath. She looked at the shrimp tacos in front of her and said, "Goodness, Mara! I haven't even tasted it yet!"

I smiled and said, "You're really excited today, Lily! I have some good news, too. Jim will be all moved in by the end of the month."

I paused and took a bite of my catfish, which was even better than last time.

Lily smiled broadly and patted my arm. "That's wonderful, Mara! You two are so good together."

I wanted to share our good news about deciding to get married, but I was keeping our secret until after Marshall and Bob's wedding, which was just a few months away. So I went back to her very first conversation and asked, "How did you manage to get free make-overs, Lily?"

"It's really interesting," Lily answered. "I buy all my make-up there, and usually Juanita waits on me. We always make small talk, and a couple of months ago, I mentioned my work at the Center. Juanita knew about the Center, and told me she knew someone who was in our program. She said she thought it would be great if she could talk her supervisor into doing free make-overs to help the girls. It didn't take long for her to do that!"

"I think the girls will really love it." I continued eating, as did Lily, but for some reason I thought about Alex. "What about Alex? If she's transgender – obviously since she has a baby, she was born female, right?"

Lily nodded, so I continued, "But she identifies as male?" And again, Lily nodded.

"Well, now I understand why you couldn't figure this out when you first met her." I was silent for a minute, but suddenly it hit me, how incredibly difficult it must be for this Alex. "Lily," I struggled to find the words. "Lily, how awful this must be for Alex. How did he" – I hesitated to used that pronoun – "end up pregnant?"

"It's really a tough story. I'm learning bits and pieces, both from Alex and from Andrea." Lily paused and then went on, "Apparently, the baby is the result of rape by the father of a young man who's gay. He mistook Alex for his son's love interest, and wanted to teach his son a lesson...but had the wrong person all along. Alex left home right after high school graduation, without ever telling a soul about the pregnancy."

I felt overwhelmingly sad for this young person without having met them. I was so glad Lily had invited Andrea to be part of the program, and specifically for Alex, because if there was one person I knew who could be empathetic, it was Andrea.

"It's really an incredible story, Lily. How is the baby?"

"Alex does an incredible job with him. She nursed him for nearly six months, all the while hating that she had breasts, according to Andrea. Can you believe that? She's making plans for the future – very realistic plans, too. At the Center, we just wish we could find a way to contact her family, if they would be interested. It's impossible for us to know."

I listened to Lily talk about this Alex, and I wanted to meet this young person. Like Lily, I had never met someone I knew was transgender before. I had never offered to help Lily at the Center before, but this made me feel like I needed to do that.

"Lily, this is all so unbelievable. It makes me feel like I want to help, too. How can I help? Or better yet, is there something Jim and I can do to help somehow?"

Lily was apparently very surprised that I was offering to help. She started to say something, and shook it off. She took another bite of her lunch, ruminating on my offer before answering me. At last, she gave me a different answer than I ever would have guessed.

"Mara, the Center runs amazingly well. They seem to have an endless stream of volunteers, many of them have training specifically to the areas they help our girls – mostly girls," she corrected herself. "But where I see a need, especially something you and Jim might both want to do, is to work with the LGBTQ youth in our city. Kind of like your friend, Patrick, does in Boston. We have some wonderful outreach programs, especially at Marshall and Bob's church, Heaven's Haven, but our young people are still being thrown away by their families because of their orientation. I don't think you need to help the Center; in fact, I'm pretty sure you're being moved to help because of Alex, who's part of the LGBTQ community. If you can imagine the conflicting world Alex lives in, then you should find a way to reach out that way."

I knew she was right immediately. I didn't know exactly how Jim and I could work on this, but I was sure that was the direction I needed to take. I realized that for every young man or woman who was a little different like my Jonathan and Jim's son, Bob, both of whom had relatively accepting parents, there were many, many more whose parents did not accept them at all. I was sure parents like Jim and me could find a way to either be there for other youngsters or support the parents as they found acceptance.

"You've given me so much to think about, Lily, but I think you are right!" I also realized I had not spoken to Patrick in way too long. I knew he would offer amazing advice on how we could help, but I was feeling reluctant to tell him about Jim's proposal. I had pushed that to the back, since we weren't announcing it yet.

Next, our conversation turned to the wedding. "Have you heard the latest plans?" she asked. "Marshall has asked Winston and Maybelle to stand up for the wedding!"

I nodded, and added, "And Bob has asked Jim and me!"

Lily's eyes grew large with surprise. "I had no idea! It actually makes perfect sense."

"I feel really honored to do it as their friend, but Jim was absolutely thrilled when Bob asked him." Then I sincerely asked her, "Can you help me find something to wear? What does a woman my age wear when she is in a wedding? Bob said Marshall thought we should all wear something in the same color family..."

"Let's call Mayabelle and ask her if she'd like the three of us to go shopping together. That way, after we've figured out what the two of you are wearing, we can get Winston and Jim matching shirts."

I volunteered to call her, because I had not had a chance to see her since we met, and I had enjoyed her so much that first night. Lily and I finished our lunch, and it was time for me to go back to work. As I drove back to work, I discovered I was filled with excitement...over ideas for helping Alex and the LGBTQ community, over calling Mayabelle, and over the wedding in general. Once again, I had the feeling of being so blessed with all the opportunities that were ahead of me.

Chapter 19

The three of us set out on a Saturday morning before the stores even opened. Lily wanted us to meet for coffee before looking for dresses for the wedding. I realized that she wanted to get a better feel for Mayabelle's style and personality before we went dress shopping, and that wasn't hard to do after just a few minutes. Just like the night we had met her. Mayabelle was wearing a long colorful dress. Instead of orange, this one was bright yellow, and it had some bright blue appliques on it. The colors accented that beautiful hair of hers, which just like the night I first met her, seemed to naturally cascade down her back like a waterfall. She was just as animated as our first visit, too, probably because the first thing we talked about was little Marshall.

"How's that little guy of yours?" I asked as we sat down with our coffee.

"Ohhh," she sang out. "That little man is keeping us busy! He's trying to walk and falling all the time!"

Lily and I both nodded and smiled, remembering our own children when they were learning to walk. Mayabelle continued telling us about him. "He falls and gets right back up! He walks from Richard to me without falling, and when he does that, he gets the silliest grin on his face!" She took a sip of her coffee, paused to tell Lily it was the best, which Lily had promised when she picked this particular coffee shop, and continued talking. "Richard keeps trying to give him soccer balls to play with! Poor little guy is trying his best just to stay on his feet, and his daddy is trying to get him to kick a ball!"

We all giggled a little, and I suggested maybe rolling a ball between the two of them might be a little more attainable. Lily hadn't said much of anything yet, and when she did speak, I was not expecting her to talk about Danny's father.

"When my Danny was little like that, his dad was so awkward with most of the toys. He said he'd never played with trucks or balls of any sort, and it was easy to see he was not feeling it when we'd try to play with him."

I realized Mayabelle was probably even more surprised than I was when I noticed she looked quite puzzled. I felt I had no choice but to explain, so I did.

"Lily's ex-husband is out now, but for much of his life, he tried to live as a straight man."

Comprehension spread over Mayabelle's face, and it melted my heart when her response was,

"I'm so proud of our Marshall for never feeling like he had to do that!!"

Lily joined right in, agreeing and taking some responsibility for her ex-husband's behavior.

"I was not always the most accepting person, Mayabelle. I was furious when I learned he was gay, and I was quite homophobic for some time after it. You asked me how I knew Mara here, and I guess now is just as good a time as any to tell you that story."

And with that comment, not checking with me if I was all right with her sharing the story, although I was totally all right with it, Lily explained how she set out on a quest to straighten out my gay son and how horribly wrong she had been and how forgiving I was. Her version of the story was not told from the perspective that I had learned it from my son, but from a woman who felt like a complete failure when she learned the man she married was gay. She felt like she should have known, or that something she had done had made him gay, no matter how much he tried to explain to her he had always been. She told Mayabelle that it was only because of my friendship that she had evolved to a place today where she felt dedicated to helping others. She finally had stopped looking at life only through the lens of her own experience. Personally, I don't take credit for the change in her at all.

"Now, Lily," I interrupted her, "I am not the sole reason you've changed! You have been through so much – no one knows what it feels like to go through a marriage like that unless they've walked in your shoes. Also, time has played a role in your changing attitudes. But ladies, look at the time! We need to get dress shopping!"

Our coffee cups were all empty now anyway, and we left the shop to go to our first stop. Lily had actually mapped out an itinerary of four stores, but I was truly hoping we would not spend the entire morning looking.

"This is where Juanita works," Lily told me as we walked in the largest department store in the city. "But I don't think she works on Saturdays."

"Who's Juanita?" Mayabelle wanted to know.

"She works at the makeup counter here, and she is just starting to help the girls at the Center with their makeup," Lily answered.

"I can't wait to hear how that goes," I added. I started to tell Mayabelle a little more about the program that helped single parents find careers, which she had first heard about when we were at Marshall and Bob's, but we all quickly focused on finding the right thing to wear for the wedding.

We took the escalator up to the dress department, and Lily set to work finding dresses that had complementary or matching colors in each of our own styles. She was pretty skilled at finding them and we headed for the dressing rooms. For the next hour, Mayabelle and I tried on dress after dress, trying to time our exits from the dressing rooms so we could walk out together to show Lily. She wanted us to look 'festive, but not like it was our day,' was how she described it. As we emerged, each of us wearing our eleventh dress, Lily shrieked, "That's it!"

I knew Mayabelle looked amazing in the vibrant blue long dress with a slit opening in the front from just about her knees to the floor. It hugged her nicely and was solid colored. I hadn't actually looked at myself in the mirror, but when I turned to the three consecutive mirrors behind me, I have to admit I was pretty happy with this dress, too. My version, although the same shade of blue, was shorter than Mayabelle's, and had a smaller slit to just above my knee. When it flapped open, it was lined with a different fabric; this one had a white background and tiny blue polka dots that matched the dress. There were little slit pockets of the same fabric positioned at the hips, placed at an angle that drew the eye toward them, and away from anything else. The rest of the dress was actually plain, sleeveless with a scoop neckline that was modest, but I guess festive enough for Lily. Mayabelle and I looked at each other and both of us nodded in agreement. It really hadn't been that hard to find a dress, and now we were ready for the big day.

Chapter 20

Andrea and Alex sat side by side, with Andrea's laptop between them. They were poring over postings for hospital jobs. They had gotten to know each other pretty well over the past month, and Andrea was just as excited for Alex's future as she was for her own. The week after their first meeting, Andrea had approached the subject of gender identity with Alex, trying hard to be tactful.

"Alex, I left after our first meeting feeling like I had made a new friend with you. It didn't feel at all like I was working on credits for my degree."

Alex nodded in agreement. "You are the first person, besides my neighbor, Juanita, that I have been able to connect with since I moved here. I do have some nice people I know at Heaven's Haven, the church, but that's different."

So Andrea felt comfortable enough to forge ahead. "I know this is weird to ask, but after our first meeting, I just can't place your..." She let her voice trail off as she lost her nerve, but Alex picked right up and said, "Gender?"

Andrea exhaled in relief as she nodded. "Your name sure doesn't give it away! ALL of the other program participants are female, but I'm just not sure..."

Again she stopped short, and again Alex picked up right where she had left off.

"But you just don't know about me, do you?" She actually had a little twinkle in her eye as she continued. "Andrea, that is a huge compliment to me. I was born female, and I gave birth to Bo, but I have known for most of my life that I am male."

"Ahhh," Andrea exclaimed. "You're transgender! Your preferred pronouns are he/him/his?"

Alex looked at her for a moment, and explained, "Before Bo, I always was thrilled to be called a guy. I fully intended to become a male, physically, after I finished my education. Having Bo has put quite a monkey wrench in those plans."

"How did you end up having a baby?" Andrea was sincere, and quickly said, "I mean, I know the way people become pregnant, but how did that happen to you?"

"Wow, Andrea, the Center never told you? They know my story."

Andrea shook her head, no, so Alex continued. "I was raped by the father of someone who was gay. He thought his son had a crush on me, but he had me confused with someone else. He mistook me for a guy. I think he even had the wrong place, because I have no idea who his son was, but that didn't stop him." Alex stopped talking at that point, not wanting to relive that horrible night.

"Oh my God! How horrible!" Andrea felt so much empathy for Alex.

Alex nodded. "It was horrible. Really awful. Rather than talk any more about that night, let me go back to your pronoun question. Right now, I'm really okay with she, mainly because I've been called she or her most of my life. I know I'm really 'he,' and I am sure that will happen one day. Did you know that in order to prepare for that, my neighbor, Juanita, decided it would be best for Bo to call me 'Dama' – you know, a combination of Dada and Mama."

"Oh, how cute is that! Then when you have transitioned, the name will fit!"

Alex nodded. "You are the first person that I have told that to. It's not like he's talking yet!"

Andrea felt honored by that, and simply said so to Alex. Then, they got back to business. They talked about the type of work Alex wanted to do, as if it was as normal as could be to have discussed Alex's gender. In truth, it was normal for both Alex and Andrea. If only the rest of the world could be that comfortable.

They met every week at the Center for at least an hour and a half, sometimes even two. Bo went to the drop-in nursery, and Alex was always happy when Ava was volunteering. After hearing Alex's wish to go to school to become an X-ray technician, Andrea had approached the director of the Center to find out the best way to proceed. Alex's baby, Bo, was just at the age when the Center encouraged the mothers to become employed, and if the job did not include a daycare, they helped figure that out, too. The director was already aware that Alex was interested in a future involving the medical field, and her suggestion had been to help Alex find a hospital that would reimburse employees for education in the medical field.

"Your interest in becoming an X-ray tech and being transgender are independent, don't you think?" Andrea asked Alex during one of their meetings.

"Definitely. It shouldn't matter at all!" Alex hoped that was true.

"What do you think of getting a job in the hospital first, then going to school? There are some hospitals that reimburse employees for related education."

"I had no idea until the director told me that. I love that idea!" Alex was clearly excited.

"Let's see if we can create a list of hospitals that have education reimbursement and day care," Andrea suggested. "Then we'll find a job for you in one of those hospitals."

Alex was more than agreeable to that idea. By the end of their time together that week, they had a rather small list of three hospitals that fulfilled both and a list of job openings at each hospital. There were several in the hospital's dining department, but since that was run by an outside company, the education benefit didn't apply. There were several receptionist positions, and two of the hospitals had jobs that were in the X-ray departments.

Excited at the prospect of finding Alex the right job, they began preparing Alex's applications. All of the jobs required typing and computer skills that Alex had. The hours varied from job to job. Some were normal working hours, 8 to 4 or 9 to 5, and others were early, 6 to 2 or late, 2 to 10. As long as the day care was available, Alex didn't have a preference for the time. When Alex considered leaving Bo for that many hours five days a week, it was hard, but there was no choice. Having a job, a safe place for Bo while she worked, and working towards getting into an X-ray tech program would all pay off in the long run.

"Now it's time for you to meet with Lily, who will prepare you for your interviews. Next week, I will work with the two of you. I think it's safe to say you will have a job by summer, Alex!"

"I've met Lily, but we haven't begun preparing for the interview. My friend, Juanita, is helping the girls do their makeup for the interviews, but she knows I'm not doing that." Alex gave a small smile as she said that.

Andrea walked with Alex to the area where Lily, a golden-skinned, attractive middle-aged woman, sat behind a desk. Andrea introduced them, learning that Lily also remembered meeting Alex, and told Lily that in the next week or so, they were hoping Alex would have an interview or two for a job at one of the hospitals. Alex sensed that Andrea and Lily knew each other outside the Center, but neither of them talked about it. It was Andrea's first time setting up "Lily" time, since she had been spending time at the Center. Andrea told Lily their plan and about the applications they had just completed. She even told Lily about Alex's continuing education plan.

Lily looked Alex in the eye and warmly extended her hand. "It's so nice to have this chance to help you, Alex! We actually met at the introductory meeting many months ago, when I met all the –" At this point, Lily stopped ever so briefly before continuing – "ah, all the participants in your parenting classes."

Alex nodded, and replied, "Yes, I remember you."

Lily nodded and said, "Can we set up a day next week to get you prepared for interviewing?"

So with an appointment set up with Lily, and applications sent out, Alex felt like she was in the twilight zone as she picked up Bo and headed for home. When Juanita came home from work that night, Alex shared the plan.

Juanita was on the floor, rolling a ball toward Bo, who did his best to scramble after it.

"Alex, you are so smart and capable!" she exclaimed. "Since we first met, I knew you would be able to land on your feet, honey." Then she turned back to Bo, who was struggling to stand up as he tried to grab Juanita's dangling earrings. Like a magician, Juanita pulled the earrings out of her ears, put them in her skirt pocket, and at the same time, she pulled out a colorful stuffed toy animal from the same pocket. It was soft and bright purple, and when Bo saw it, he screeched with delight.

"Where did that come from?" Alex asked as she watched Bo grab for it.

"It was in the dollar bin at the drug store," Juanita explained. "I'm not sure what animal it is, but it doesn't look like Bo cares too much about that!" They enjoyed watching him grab it and put it right to his mouth. He took it out and look at it again. Then he tried shaking it, and he was delighted to hear a rattle inside.

He played with the toy on the floor for a while and then began fussing. Alex quickly changed him and got him ready for dinner by putting a bib on him and handing him a sippy cup. Juanita brought out her sandwich, which she had picked up on her way home from work, and Alex had a pan with chicken and potatoes warming in the oven. They set up his baby seat so that it was upright, and fed him that way, handing him little pieces of smashed chicken, and spooning bits of potato and fruit into his mouth. He was very cooperative.

"I have to meet with some lady who will prepare me for interviews," Alex told Juanita. "Her name is Lily and she – "

"Wait!" Juanita interrupted. "Lily from the Center? I know her!"

"How do you know Lily?"

"She's the customer at the store that I've worked with on the plan for the store to do make-overs for the girls she prepares for interviewing." Juanita suddenly stopped talking and cocked her head as she looked at Alex. "What do you need to meet with her for? Is she going to try to talk you into a make-over?" Juanita's big brown eyes grew even larger as she considered that.

"I really don't know all she does. Andrea just told me she would help prepare me for the interviews." Alex paused for a moment and then flatly stated, "I'm not getting a make-over."

"I gather she does more than that. She teaches interview skills, dos and don'ts, and ways to dress. You are likely the first transgender person she's ever worked with! At least I don't think she knows I am."

"I definitely need some help with interviewing part. I haven't really done that, except for my two jobs making pizza, but these are office jobs. I barely had to interview for either of those jobs. You know how unofficial my last job was, and interviewing as a high school student wasn't much different." Alex thought back to when she had filled out an application for her first job.

Jan, her boss, had actually taken the completed form from Alex and asked, "Do you have time to answer a few questions, Alex?"

The few questions had been about how she did in school, how many days she had missed this year, and if she was interested in working in the kitchen. When her answers satisfied Jan, she was hired to start working the following week. Alex thought it would be more formal at a hospital, and that turned out to be correct.

"It's going to be interesting to see how Lily handles this," mused Juanita. "I'm looking forward to hearing about it." With that comment, she set Bo up on his feet and turned him to face Alex.

"Walk to Dama, little guy," she cooed. Alex stretched out her arms to Bo, and he took two steps before diving into them with a big smile on his face.

Chapter 21

(As an aside, the reader will notice that beginning in the chapter, Alex's pronouns will change from she/her/hers to they/them/their.)

Lily was ready for her interview with the parent, Alex. She had reviewed with Andrea what Alex's interests and plans were, and she was anxious to help this young person meet all their goals. She was still a little skittish about the gender issue, though, and pronoun usage. Andrea had briefly explained that Alex really identified as male, but having given birth, understood most people would see them as female. Andrea assured her that in general, when the gender is unknown, it would be okay to ask, and if not, the preferred pronouns were likely they, their, them. Lily really wanted to get this right, but it was feeling awkward to her. So when the day came that Alex came into the room and stood across the desk from her, she began a little uncomfortably.

Standing and reaching across the desk, Lily extended her hand. "It is so nice to have this opportunity to help you, Alex. Please have a seat." Lily was startled by the strength of that simple handshake, and also by once again looking at Alex and being unable to determine gender. It was definitely not an experience she'd ever had.

But Alex was the one who put Lily at ease, by saying, "I understand you know my friend and neighbor, Juanita."

"Juanita? Oh my, yes I know Juanita!! What sweetheart she is! She's arranged for free make-overs." Then Lily faltered again. She looked at Alex and said, "I didn't think you'd want a make-over. Was that too presumptuous of me?"

"Oh, no, not at all. Juanita told me about helping with that, but she knows I'm not interested in a makeover. I'm hoping to get a job at a hospital. Office work." Alex decided to get to the purpose of the meeting since Lily seemed a little uncomfortable, but now it was Alex's turn to be surprised.

"I've ranked the places you've applied, and I am actually trying to get you set up with this one."

Alex recognized the name as one she had applied to, and simply asked, "Why this one?"

That's when Lily pulled up the application form, which Alex had filled out online with Andrea.

"See here, under gender?" Lily scrolled down. "It has three categories, which I've never seen before. Male, female, and other."

"Actually, I noticed that when we filled the application out, but I selected female because that's what is on my high school transcript and birth certificate, which I'll likely have to show for a job."

"That's true," Lily agreed. "But just the fact that "other" is there, makes me feel like the option for transitioning might be more readily acceptable here."

Alex sat quietly for a moment, feeling overwhelmed. Here this woman, whose job was to help prepare for interviews, had learned enough about Alex to understand that transitioning was something to which they aspired. "Wow," Alex finally responded. "That's an amazing observation. Thank you so much."

After that, the meeting which Lily had wanted so badly to be a success, turned from a bit awkward to a smooth learning experience for Alex. To some extent, for Lily, too, for when they finally got to the part about attire, Alex described the clothing they planned to wear: A pressed button down collar dress shirt (Alex even volunteered that the iron would be borrowed from Juanita) with black pants. Lily thought back to her doubts about how to help and remembered the advice of Winston and her good friends at Marshall and Bob's dinner party a few months back. She realized they had all given her excellent advice. Alex would dress as they were comfortable, which amounted to clean cut androgynous clothes.

"Those are excellent choices. Do you have those clothes, Alex?"

Alex responded no to the shirt and yes to the pants, although they weren't new. Next, Lily handed her a form that asked for sizes of everything from undergarments to shoes. The top half of the form was all women's sizes and the bottom half was men's. It was not obvious that Lily had created the form especially for Alex, and as she handed it to Alex, she said, "Fill this out, and we'll make sure you have everything you need to interview. I might add a thin, black necktie? Would that be okay? I work with a group whose mission is to help people dress for success for job interviews, and they will provide everything you need."

Alex agreed with the necktie. After filling out the form, Lily gave pointers on interviewing and told Alex what type of questions were likely to be asked. When they finished the job preparation, Lily asked how Alex was enjoying the intern, Andrea.

"That has been a great experience for me," Alex answered. "Andrea is helping me get my career plans in order, and we just seem to hit it off well."

Inwardly, Lily felt very pleased to hear that. "That is super. I've actually known Andrea for a while now, and I thought it would work for both of you. Now Alex, our time is up; I have another appointment arriving, but I want you to come back if you need anything else before you interview." She stood up, and added, "Please come back after your first interview and let me know how things went."

She was surprised when Alex extended their hand and thanked Lily for all the help, promising to let her know how the interview went.

*************

It was less than two weeks later that Alex landed their first interview, and it was with the particular hospital Lily had discussed. The next time Alex was at the Center, they stopped in to tell Lily the good news. Lily presented a bag of clothing for Alex to wear, containing everything from the checklist. There was also a type of undershirt that Alex recognized as one that was designed to minimize breasts. On the day of the interview, Alex brought Bo to the Center first, then walked back home to get ready. They didn't want to risk having Bo spit up or drool on the interview clothes. The hospital was five blocks away from the apartment, and both Lily and Juanita had advised Alex to get there at least fifteen minutes early. With hair parted in the middle and pulled neatly into a pony tail, wearing a freshly pressed white dress shirt, the thin necktie, which Alex thought looked good, new black pants, and black Doc Martin knockoffs, Alex made a nice appearance as they walked into the human resource department at the hospital.

When the receptionist called Alex back for the interview, a calm came over them as they shook the hand of the director of human resources. The interview seemed to go pretty well, with most of the questions about comfort level with computerized programs and working with people. Alex remembered to speak with confidence while looking her in the eye.

Next, Alex was asked to watch a video on HPPAA, and then take a quiz over it. Lily had told them to expect that, so they had already watched a video about it before the interview.

Next, the director walked Alex to the radiology department, and made introductions.

"I'm going to step across the hall for a few moments, and I'd like you to familiarize Alex with what we do in this department. Alex, don't hesitate to ask questions. You are a definite candidate for the position."

The radiology clerk, who introduced herself as Mary, was about ten years older than Alex. She showed Alex the program used to log in patients, which tests they were having, and how to check them in so the technicians could see what each patient was here for and how long they had been checked in.

"We track waiting time. Actually, the hospital tracks it through the program. Sometimes, it just flows, one patient to the next and we don't get backed up. But there are usually several times a day that we have far more patients waiting than we have right now. We always have at least four technicians working, but sometimes one of them is out sick, and other times, we really need six."

"Do the patients give you a hard time when you get backed up?" Alex wanted to know.

The clerk nodded, but added, "We have this sheet of responses." She giggled a little when she pulled it out to show Alex. "Look at number five."

Alex read it, "I'm sorry, but with the holiday, we get extra busy." After thinking about that, they asked, "What holidays cause you to get busier than usual?"

That's when Mary smiled broadly. "That's why it's so funny. Some holidays are prone to an increase in X-rays and broken bones, such as New Year's Eve, Halloween and St. Patrick's Day. But others, like Valentine's Day, there's really not too much correlation there."

"Really?" Alex asked. "I mean I see why Valentine's Day wouldn't effect this, and I'm not surprised about New Year's Eve, but why do Halloween and St. Patrick's Day?"

Mary simply answered, "In my opinion, people drink and party more on those holidays. More drinking usually means more falls and accidents, and that leads to more x-rays."

Alex nodded at that.

The director returned and walked Alex back to the HR department. As they walked, she said to Alex, "We just need to check your high school record and have you get a physical and drug test. The Center highly recommends you, and we need someone as soon as you can get those finished. We do them here at the hospital. Sometimes, no appointment is needed if you want to try to do that now?" She handed Alex a slip made out to the immediate care department of the hospital.

Alex accepted the paper and said, "I can do that right now. I would need to make arrangements for my son at the daycare, if I'm offered the job."

"Let me walk you over to the daycare right now, Alex, before you get the physical. The Center mentioned you would need daycare. How old is your son?"

While answering the director, Alex realized the interview must have been a success. The daycare was much better than Alex could have hoped. Not only were they staffed by paid employees, but hospital volunteers also donated time, so there was even better supervision here than at the Center. Alex was especially pleased to see an older man with a volunteer badge rocking a baby that looked a little younger than Bo. Nearly all the volunteers at the Center were women, and Bo was rarely around men, except at church, and of course with Alex. The room was spotlessly clean with many toys, floor mats, and cribs. Alex was also shown the rooms where the older toddlers were separated by age, and learned that once a child was in school, he or she was no longer eligible for the daycare.

"One of the best features of our daycare is we change the sheets after each child uses the cribs. Many daycares ask parents to bring their own sheets, but we provide them, and we're very careful about wiping the toys down. After all, we're a hospital, and we know germs spread like crazy with the little ones." The employee who was showing Alex the daycare was very kind and thorough. Her badge showed her name was Madge. "Our hours," she continued, "are extended, beginning by six and closing by 10:30 p.m."

Alex left the daycare and stopped at an information desk to ask for directions to the immediate care facility, which was actually a block away. After filling out the health history form, the wait was brief, and the physical was thorough. The doctor, a young woman with an Asian accent, asked about birth control, and became a bit argumentative when Alex said they didn't need any.

"But you have a young son, and you don't wish to prevent another pregnancy?"

Alex just looked at the doctor and said, "I was raped. I wasn't sexually active before I had him, and I won't be again." Alex wanted to explain about being trans, but somehow didn't know how to start that conversation.

The doctor's demeanor changed abruptly after hearing about the rape, and she managed to say, "I'm so sorry." Then she continued with the physical, filled out the form online and sent it directly to HR. The nurse handed Alex a cup and apologized for having to observe as the specimen was gathered. "They have random testing here, and that's the way it's always done..." Alex wasn't surprised a hospital would have a strict no drug policy.

Walking back to the Center to get Bo, Alex felt great excitement, and Lily was standing just inside the door as Alex entered.

"You did great, Alex! As long as your high school records prove you've graduated and your physical and drug test are clean, I think you can begin next week!"

"How do you know that?" Alex was surprised to hear this good news already.

"The director of HR just phoned me, I'm gathering right after you were shown the daycare?"

Alex nodded, and asked Lily, "Is there a way for you to tell Andrea my good news?"

"I will definitely let her know, but aren't you meeting with her Thursday?"

Alex explained that Andrea's internship was over for the semester, and the next time she thought she'd see Andrea was at a wedding for a couple from church. During one of their many conversations after Alex was set with a path forward and Andrea completed questions and answers she needed to complete her class, Alex and Andrea had discovered they both new Marshall and would be attending his wedding. Alex was looking forward to seeing Andrea again.

Lily smiled, and said, "You aren't talking about Marshall and Bob's wedding, are you?"

"Seriously? You know Marshall? I've never seen you at church..."

"I don't go there, but yes, I do know both Marshall and Bob, his future husband. Actually, Marshall is my boyfriend's cousin, but I knew Marshall long before I met Winston."

That was a lot for Alex to take in. Their first thought was that Lily was a little old to call someone her boyfriend, but Alex wouldn't judge her. Their second thought was that Marshall was very different from Lily in so many ways. But all Alex said aloud was, "That's cool. Will you be at their wedding, too?"

When Lily acknowledged she would be, Alex smiled and said, "Great – see you there! Thank you for helping me get a job!"

Alex walked into the large play room at the Center. They weren't surprised to see that Bo was standing up, reaching toward a red ball held by Ava. He stopped reaching and smiled at Alex, and Ava asked, "How did the interview go?"

"It went great!" Alex answered. "I think I may have a job!"

Chapter 22

It was the day of the wedding. Lily, Mayabelle, and I were already at the church. Jim and Winston were coming together a little later. Richard was dropping little Marshall off at his mother's house and would come to the wedding and reception, which would not be held at Our Place. Instead, Marshall and Bob had chosen a charming little restaurant near Heaven's Haven, and Mayabelle had decided little Marshall was too young. Marshall had invited all the members of the church to the 2 p.m. wedding, and there would be cookies and punch at the church following the ceremony. The reception was for twenty-five or thirty of their close friends and family after that.

Connie was officiating the wedding, and I was looking forward to hearing her conduct the marriage ceremony of my favorite couple. I had finally managed to attend service a handful of times, and I thought all of the pastors gave amazing sermons. Always, after worshipping here, I took home a message to contemplate throughout the coming week. I was coming to the conclusion that this might be where Jim and I would dive into helping the LGBTQ community, although still hadn't figured out in what capacity. I stood there waiting for the ceremony to begin, and I watched a young person come into the church lobby. Instinctively, I wondered if this was Andrea's friend and Lily's special case. I remembered the name was Alex and I watched as this young person met up with Andrea who was also with my Jonathan.

***********

Alex made plans to leave Bo with Juanita to attend the ceremony. They hadn't been to a wedding at the church before, but had formed a friendship with Marshall through attending the class Marshall taught. Alex and Marshall had also worked together on some LGBTQ activities supported by the church. Juanita had only come to the church a few times, and said she would rather play with Bo than go to the wedding. Since Alex also knew Andrea was invited, they were looking forward to seeing her for the first time in close to three months. As they approached the church, Alex entered the lobby, dressed up in the same clothes they had worn for the hospital interview that had resulted in a job. Alex was working 40 hours a week now, and planned to enroll in the X-ray technician program after working six months. That was when the educational reimbursement program began.

They spotted Andrea walking in the far door alongside a guy about the same age as Andrea and Alex. He was tall and lean, with brown hair styled a little longer than most guys wore their hair these days. Andrea was dressed up – in a dress! Alex had never seen Andrea wearing anything but jeans before and noted how cute she looked. They knew Andrea was straight, but when Alex was ready to date, they knew they would look for someone a lot like Andrea.

Andrea started running when she saw Alex. She looked funny trying to run in heels, Alex thought. The guy with her picked up his pace and grabbed her arm just as she started to fall down.

"Alex! It's so good to see you!" Andrea gave Alex a hug, which took Alex by surprise. Then Andrea turned to the guy, "Thanks, Jonathan! You know I can't run in these heels!"

Alex smiled and looked at Jonathan, wondering if this was Andrea's boyfriend.

"Alex, this is my oldest friend in the world, Jonathan. His mom is actually in the wedding. She's a good friend of Marshall and Bob's."

Jonathan nodded and said, "Nice to meet you, Alex. My mom is also dating Bob's dad. Are you friends of theirs, too?"

"I know Marshall from church. He taught a class I attended. I haven't really met Bob. I've seen him at service with Marshall. They invited the entire congregation to the wedding."

Alex had thoroughly enjoyed the class taught by Marshall. It was a modified Bible study specifically for the LGBTQIA+ community. Marshall had created it by going through the Bible and finding every verse that encouraged loving everyone, not judging others, loving our neighbors, and things like that. It turned out there were so many verses like that, Alex couldn't believe it. It had been held weekdays, during lunch time, and Alex left Bo at the Center every two weeks to attend before getting the job. The class had ended before Alex had started working. Through the class, Alex had gotten to know Marshall very well. They thought he was such an amazing man!

Andrea said, "I'm so glad you came! And early like us! Now we can catch up a little before the wedding begins. I know you got the job –" she paused here and said to Jonathan "I worked with Alex as part of my internship hours for school." Then she went on to ask Alex, "How's Bo? How do you like the job? What about applying for school?"

"Andrea!" Jonathan cut in. "That's a lot of questions! Slow down and give him a chance to answer."

Alex always felt a special joy whenever anyone used male pronouns. They had no reason to think that Andrea had discussed them with Jonathan, and felt it was genuine. It was also great to see Andrea after all the help she had given Alex, and how much they had connected.

The three of them moved from one end of the lobby to the other, where there were a few chairs and a couch for them to sit and finish the conversation. Alex already could see why Jonathan was a good friend to Alex. He was supportive and kind, and he seemed genuinely interested in the conversation. It had been so long since Alex had spoken to people their own age in a social setting. At first it felt strange, but that didn't last long. When Jonathan learned Alex had a son, his reaction was unique.

"Wait – you have a son? I guess I thought you were my age!"

"I think we're all about the same age," Alex replied.

Andrea nodded. "Yep, we're all turning 20 soon."

Jonathan did not react the way most people usually did. Usually, Alex felt a wall, a judgment, anything but acceptance. Jonathan's first question floored them.

"What's his name?" he asked, followed by, "How old is he?"

When Alex answered these questions, he simply said, "I hope I can meet him! That's a really cute age."

Alex nodded and looked at Andrea, to see if she was as surprised by his reaction, but apparently, she wasn't. Instead she said, "Next big picnic with Marshall, Bob, their families and the whole gang, we'll invite you and Bo! Marshall's cousin – you'll see her in the wedding - has a little boy, too. I think he's close to Bo's age."

As soon as Andrea issued that invitation, it became clear it was time to be seated in the church. The ushers, friends of Marshall and Bob, began shuffling the guests into the church. Unlike many weddings, there weren't separate sides for the two grooms. Alex was delighted to sit with Andrea and Jonathan and the three of them talked in hushed voices until the organ began to play. The church was quite full and the wedding was about to begin.

Chapter 23

The music was not traditional at the beginning. The first song the organ played was the instrumental version of Hallelujah. Not the usual church Hallelujah song, but the one with odd lyrics about cutting hair and being tied to a kitchen chair. Without the lyrics, it sounded beautiful and all the guests turned to see first Mara with Jim, followed by Mayabelle and Winston, walk down the aisle. They were relaxed and smiled and greeted the guests. The next song changed to the traditional, Here Comes the Bride song. Marshall and Bob walked up the aisle. They were holding hands, each of them dressed in crisp tuxes. Marshall wore white with a black shirt, and Bob's tux was black with a white shirt. Each had a single rose in his boutonniere hole. They made a stunning couple and were as radiant as any bride and groom, bride and bride, groom and groom - as any couple had ever been. They were smiling but also solemn at the same time.

Connie met them at the altar and greeted all four of them warmly. She directed them to take the seats on either side of her, and then the formal ceremony began. First, she recited the traditional words about love from 1 Corinthians 13. Then, she gave a brief sermon about love before getting to the ceremony. They had written their wedding vows together, with Connie's help. The words they spoke professed their love for one another and their faith, and their dreams of the future together as a married couple. When they were finished, Connie ended with the words,

"And now, with the power vested in me by the state, I am proud and delighted to name you husband and husband."

At this point, they kissed – it was not the most passionate of kisses, but as warm and loving as anyone can in front of so many people. When they turned to face the guests, they were met with a standing ovation. The organist began playing a rousing rendition of We Are the Champions and the audience cheered. In this moment, they certainly felt like the champions.

Lily couldn't help but notice Mara and Jim both embrace and look into each other's eyes with a look she couldn't quite read, before they followed Bob and Marshall back down the aisle to greet the guests.

Chapter 24

Alex had enjoyed the wedding and seeing Andrea there, as well as meeting Jonathan. His mother, Mara, had also come over and met Alex after the wedding. Alex knew who they were because Andrea had told her they were in the wedding, but Mara seemed so caring and interested when Alex was introduced to her. Andrea had already explained how they met and fell in love after Mara sold her house to Marshall and Bob. Mara made a point of asking Alex about Bo, and Jonathan again mentioned he hoped to meet the little guy. After that, Andrea and Jonathon said good-bye to Alex, who stayed a little longer. They congratulated Marshall and his new husband, greeted some of the other parishioners, and ate a few cookies, before heading home to Bo and Juanita.

They were getting ready to go to the park near the house as Alex opened the door to the studio. Juanita was about to wheel the stroller into the hall and Bo was sitting in it, all strapped in securely, with a big smile on his face as he saw Alex.

"Dama!" he exclaimed when he saw Alex.

"Did you have fun with Aunt Juanita?" they asked Bo. When he heard 'Aunt Juanita,' Bo turned to Juanita and smiled up at her.

"We've had the best time! We were just going to take a walk to the park. Should we change the plan or do you want to come along?" Juanita was the best aunt Bo could ever have, Alex thought.

Seeing Bo all set in the stroller, they agreed it was a great time to take a walk. They headed to the park and Alex told Juanita all about the wedding.

"It was the first time I felt so comfortable, Juanita! I just felt like I belonged there."

Juanita was happy for Alex. Together, they watched Bo enjoy his time in the baby swing, and enjoyed their time outside with him.

*************

That Monday, Alex was at work, doing some filing in a room that attached to the main reception desk, when they heard a familiar voice asking a question of Mary, who was also working that day.

"Hello, I'm here to see my daughter who I'm told works here?"

Mary, polite and efficient as ever, asked, "Who's your daughter?"

"Her name – I mean their name - is Alex..."

It couldn't be! Alex thought. It surely sounded like their mother. How on earth had she found Alex?

"I'm sorry," they heard Mary say. "There isn't any girl named Alex that works here."

Alex stepped into the reception area and was shocked by what they saw. Mom was a mess, no makeup and her hair was pulled back into a pony tail, longer than Alex's but not all that different in color. The resemblance between them stood out in this moment, more than it ever had. Mom was dressed in clothes that looked like she might have had them on since the day before.

"Mom?" Alex spoke before thinking about what was next.

"Alex!"

Mary said, "Daughter?"

Mom looked at Alex and spoke again, "Oh, my God, Alex!" And then she burst into tears and practically ran to give Alex a huge embrace.

Mary said softly to Alex, "The extra waiting room is empty. Go on in there. But honestly, I thought you were a dude."

Alex nodded and came into the waiting room to greet their mother, who continued to hug them tightly and started babbling, "Oh Alex, was I so awful to you that you had to run away? Alex, I know I wasn't the best mother, but do you know how much I love you?"

While she was talking, Alex was slowly ushering her into the empty overflow waiting room, and turned on the light. Closing the door, Alex motioned to the empty couch and sat close to Mom. It was odd, as they never really touched much at all, and here Mom was holding Alex's hands in her own, stroking Alex's hair, and still crying.

"There's so much you don't know about me, Mom."

"Alex, you're wrong! I know about you being transgender. I ignored it for all those years but I think I really did know. I never even talked to you about it - I know it was unfair. Aunt Jo made me realize that after you left. I can accept it, honey. I can't accept losing you, though!"

This was the most unexpected thing Alex could imagine hearing from their mother, but they had even more news to share that would be more shocking for their mom. But first, Alex had to find out how Mom had found them.

"How did you find me?" They asked it simply, and really wanted to know the answer.

"You know," Mom began, "when you first left, there was simply no trace of you. Your friends swore they didn't know where you were. They seemed as worried as I was that you were missing. Aunt Jo said of course you left after the way I ignored who you were all your life...I'm so sorry, honey."

Alex shook their head, "No," and tried to say something like, "It wasn't that, Mom," but it went unheard as their mother kept on talking. "When you applied for this job, they must have requested your high school transcript. I ran into the school secretary, and she asked me how you liked living here in this city and if you got the job at this hospital. I didn't let on that I had no idea where you were. But I repeated what she said, just to make sure I heard it right, and then I nodded and told her I really couldn't talk. Then I went right home and I just followed that trail here to you today. It was just four days ago that I knew, for the first time in over a year, that you were okay! "

Mom took a moment to pause, with tears streaming down her face, but she had so much more to say. She continued, "I want you to know, Alex...I've learned all about being transgender in the time you've been gone. I've read everything I could get my hands on." This surprised Alex, who had no memory of their mother reading anything other than magazines and occasionally, romance novels. Mom continued, breaking into Alex's thoughts, "And let me tell you, honey, there is NOTHING in this world that would make me turn my back on you, the way I've read happens to some of...." She finally stopped talking, and Alex took a turn.

"Mom, it wasn't just being trans. There's more. It's so hard to tell you about it even now." Alex paused, searching for the way to tell her. She took a deep breath and went on, "I told no one at all back home. But here goes." With that, Alex took another deep breath and began with the night of the rape. It took her a good fifteen minutes; they finished the story by saying, "Wait until you meet him. He's just turning one. His name is Bo."

Mom was speechless as she took in the story her daughter, whom she was learning to consider as her son, told her. She was a grandmother. This was all so confusing – and so unexpected. Her dream in coming here was to find Alex and bring him back home. She had practiced using male pronouns, just as the reading she had done suggested. Now she had no clue what to call Alex, whom had become a mother in the year and half since they had seen each other. And they had been raped and never told anyone at all! It was horrifying, but at the same time, she realized, this child of hers standing in front of her would pass for a male by anyone's standard. She wondered how long that had been true – all through high school? Had she, Ellen, really not noticed? And to think Alex had no one to talk to about it.

Ellen shook her head as she thought these things and her eyes went right to Alex's. Prior to coming here, she had imagined that when she looked, she would see only pain and rejection, but the reality was so very different. Alex's eyes were warm, full of compassion, and strength.

The silent moments passed too quickly, as Ellen began to comprehend the actual situation. Alex shifted next to her, and finally said, "Mom, I've never really had to step away from the desk before. Let me go back and check on Mary...we could be swamped and I don't want to leave her alone." They got up and left the room, leaving Ellen with her own thoughts.

But when Alex looked into the regular waiting room and at the reception desk, things were quiet. No new patients had come in and Mary glanced up when she heard Alex.

"You take your time, Alex! I gather you haven't seen your mother in some time!"

"I'd like to take her down to see Bo, if you don't mind?"

"Great idea! No hurry, Alex. I've got this covered." Mary paused. "And seriously, I thought you were a dude."

"Thanks, Mary." Alex was thanking her for not just the time to take Mom to see Bo, but also for never having to explain who they were to Mary.

They returned to the extra waiting area to find their mother a bit more composed, and standing up now. Without hesitating, Alex asked, "Would you like to meet your grandson?"

"Now? Yes! But how?" Mom was clearly excited and equally confused.

"Come with me," Alex said, and as they made their way to the elevators, Alex explained that Bo was in the daycare in the hospital. When they got off the elevator and walked toward the daycare facility, Alex used a fob that had their picture and name on it to open the door. They led their mother down a hall to Bo's room, which was for six to twelve month-olds.

He lit up when he saw Alex come through the glass door to his room. "Dama!" he shrieked and forgot about the blocks he was playing with. He made his way toward them by crawling, and noticed Ellen before reaching up to his mother with open arms. He looked shyly up at her.

"Bo!" Alex wrapped their arms around their baby. "This is your grandmother! Say hi, Grandma!"

"Oh my God!" Ellen couldn't stop smiling as she reached out and stroked his hair. "Doesn't he look like your brothers?" She couldn't contain the tears of joy that trickled down her face as she touched her grandson for the first time.

Alex had noticed the resemblance, but this was the first time someone who knew their family could make such an assessment. It was true, Bo looked like his uncles, and Alex realized it was a great feeling to have his grandmother meet him. It was something they had never considered as a possibility before, except the time Ava at the Center suggested things might work out with Alex's mother. As he adjusted to her presence, Bo reached over to Ellen's face and touched the tears. That made her smile. Then he wriggled out of Alex's arms and made his way back to the blocks he had been playing with. He tried to show Alex how to build a tower with them. They sat on the floor and played for a few moments. The caregiver on duty came over when she could and said,

"Alex! You're not usually here at this time. Everything okay?"

"Madge, this is my mother! She lives quite a ways away, and this is the first time she's met Bo! She surprised me with this visit," Alex explained.

"Nice to meet you, Alex's mother! Alex is quite an amazing parent to this young man. He's a little darling, by the way!"

Ellen shook Ava's extended hand. "I sure think he's amazing!" she exclaimed, as she gazed at Bo.

"Mom, I need to get back to my job. I'm finished in two hours. What are your plans?"

Before she answered, Madge told her, "If you'd like to stay here and play with Bo, it would be fine." Then she explained that they would need to have Alex sign a waiver and do a quick background check before Alex went back to work.

After a brief moment to think about it, Ellen said she thought she'd like to stay with Bo for a while longer, then she would come up to Alex's department to figure out what was next. They completed the paper work and Alex went back to the radiology department.

Chapter 25

As Alex rode in the elevator, they were amazed that their mom was here, meeting Bo, worried about Alex! It was a bit overwhelming. Alex wondered what the outcome of this unexpected visit would be.

Walking back into the reception area, it was clear the timing was perfect. Three new patients walked in right behind Alex, who immediately began checking them in. When there was a brief lull, they turned to Mary and said, "Thanks for covering for me! I didn't expect to see my mother! It's been a year and a half. I'm so sorry to leave you like that."

"Alex, I know you take your job seriously. Don't worry about it... It's fine. It sounds like a pretty complicated situation!"

"You have no idea!"

Then two more patients came in and before they had time to think about what would happen when their mother came back, there was Ellen, walking in the door. Alex was checking in a patient, so Ellen took a seat and waited for things to get quiet before Alex had a moment to check on her. Before long, it was time for Alex to leave; the next shift arrived a little early, so there was no problem with Alex leaving on time, which did happen on occasion. Alex and Ellen rode the elevator back down to pick up Bo. Ellen told Alex he was taking a nap when she left him, and then she told Alex all the amazing things Bo had done. None of it news to Alex, but it was a great feeling to hear someone as excited about Bo as Alex and of course, Juanita. Bo was just as thrilled to see Alex and even smiled at Ellen when they arrived to pick him up. They walked the few blocks to Alex's studio, and as they neared it, Alex found themselves feeling insecure and worried over how Ellen would react to the poor life they were living. At the same time, Ellen was lost in her own thoughts, confused about how to talk to Alex about what the plan for the future was. Ellen insisted on buying sandwiches for herself and Alex before they arrived at the studio. Alex felt more insecure as they pushed the stroller down the dingy hallway toward their studio. But they opened the door, Ellen's reaction was quite different than Alex anticipated.

Alex unlocked the door and pushed Bo's stroller in, with Ellen following right behind. As they looked around, trying to see it through Ellen's eyes, Alex was actually proud, and Ellen's reaction was reassuring.

"Wow, Alex! This place is immaculate! Nothing like your bedroom back home! Look! Bo has a crib!" She ran over to it and Bo half walked, half crawled to join her. He pulled himself even with the crib and reached in for the latest toy Juanita had brought him. "Ba!" \

Alex reached in the crib for the ball – and repeated, "Ball, Bo?"

His little face lit up as he reached for it, and Ellen's did, too! "Did he actually say ball? My grandson is brilliant!"

Then she turned to Alex and said, "I can't believe all of this. You are living on your own, the moth-," she stopped and corrected herself, "parent of this beautiful boy. You have a job, you are an amazing housekeeper, if this is how it always looks, and I just couldn't be prouder of you."

Ellen had rarely said so many kind things to Alex, and never at one time. She was generally a very quiet woman, and only seemed to talk when she had to. Alex nodded as they took in all these compliments. Without giving it much thought, they said, "You know, Mom, I learned about the housekeeping from you. I know I was always a pain about it growing up, but having Bo has made me really appreciate how much you taught me about keeping things clean. It's really important with such a little guy to care for."

Now it was Ellen's turn to be surprised. In the more than a year since Alex had disappeared, all her thoughts had been about all the mistakes she had made as a mother. It was awfully nice to hear she had done something right, straight from Alex's mouth.

"Let's sit here and eat our sandwiches." Alex nodded to the table and two chairs that had been in the studio when she moved in. "I have some food in the fridge already made for Bo."

Ellen was dismayed when Alex brought out already cooked chicken and sweet potato for little Bo. He lit up when he saw them and didn't object when Alex put him in the baby seat. They took a bib out of the old wardrobe drawer and snapped it around his neck, and put a frying pan on one of the two burners on the little stove.

"He likes it better if I warm it up a little." They turned on the burner and put the chicken and slices of sweet potato in a small frying pan. Ellen unwrapped the sandwiches as Alex told her, "We can put Bo right on the table in the infant seat. He won't jump out, and I keep a hand on it as I eat." They lifted the infant seat onto the table, and Ellen immediately put a hand on it. Alex had poured some milk into a sippy cup and handed that to Ellen, who helped Bo negotiate it with his own little hands.

"He knows just what to do!!" she exclaimed. Alex nodded and brought the food they had warmed over in a small plate along with a little fork. As soon as they pierced a piece of chicken, which was cut into very small pieces, Bo handed his cup to Ellen and opened his mouth, ready to eat.

"I usually manage a bite for me in between feeding him."

"Can I help? I mean, I'd love to feed him, if you don't mind?"

And that is how they spent their dinner, taking turns feeding Bo and eating their sandwiches. The conversation was all about Bo, with Ellen asking questions about his birth, and what he was able to do, and Alex explaining about their wonderful neighbor, Juanita, and answering all the questions. After they finished eating, Ellen entertained Bo while Alex cleaned up everything and got the kitchen area ready for his bath. Together, they changed Bo's diaper together, washed him in the sink, and Ellen lovingly dried him and dressed him in his sleeper.

"I like to take him for a little walk before bedtime. Would you like to come? Do you need to get back tonight?

Ellen explained that she had arranged to miss work one more day, and she told Alex she had a sleeping bag in the car, which she had parked on the street a couple of blocks away, near the hospital. They first went to the park, where Bo enjoyed a little time in his favorite baby swing until it was clear he was getting tired. Then they walked to Ellen's car to get the sleeping bag. Alex was surprised that Bo didn't fall asleep as they walked and talked.

"Sleeping bag? Why did you bring that? Were you planning to camp out?" Alex was curious.

"Honestly, Alex, I had no idea where I'd find you, if I found you at all. I knew I couldn't afford a hotel in a big city like this, so I thought I might be able to find a park and sleep in the back."

Alex thought it would have gotten pretty hot in the car, or if she left the windows open, it would have gotten very buggy, but they didn't say it aloud. What they did say was, "I'll use this on the floor, and you can have the futon. It's actually pretty comfortable."

"That's very kind, Alex," Mom said, but with an inward smile, Alex noticed she didn't offer to sleep on the floor. As if she could read Alex's thoughts, Mom continued. "My bones ache all over as it is. I can't imagine what I'd feel like after sleeping on the floor!" She was quiet for a moment, but then she blurted out, "Alex, I had planned to try to talk you into to coming home with me. I had planned to insist things would improve, and you could go to school like you planned. I never knew why you dropped your plan of becoming an X-ray technician, but now I understand! And now seeing you as a moth - I mean parent, I don't know what to do."

Alex grabbed Ellen's hand, and earnestly said, "I've got this figured out, Mom. Don't worry."

Ellen clutched Alex's hand as if it was a lifeline. She was grateful to hear Alex so confident. And she was grateful that she didn't have to figure out what they should do.

"Looks like we're going to have to finish this conversation later! Here comes Juanita!"

And sure enough, Ellen saw a tall, lovely looking Hispanic woman walking quickly toward them, all smiles and calling out, "There's my Bo! And look at that, baby," she said as she got closer, "there's Dama holding hands with someone I don't know!" Looking up at Alex, she lost the smile briefly and said, "Seriously, you have someone in your life and you've failed to tell his Auntie Juanita?" Then she looked back down at Bo and stuck her tongue out, which caused Bo's smile to turn to an outright belly laugh. Alex had stopped pushing the stroller and let go of her mother's hand, and Ellen extended her hand to Juanita.

"You are the best neighbor in the world, according to what I've heard from Alex." For a moment, Juanita was even more confused. "You know about me, but I don't know..." her voice trailed off, and Alex jumped in, saying, "Juanita, this is my mother. Ellen."

Nothing could have surprised Juanita more, but as she stepped back and looked at mother and child, and even grandchild, she clearly saw a resemblance between the three of them. All she managed to say aloud, though, was, "Wow."

Alex started pushing the stroller and suggested they head back to the studio, as it was nearing Bo's bedtime. Juanita got in step with them and soon the three of them were back in the building, heading down the hall to Alex's place.

"Did you want to come in for a while, Juanita?" Alex asked.

"I would love to get to know you, Juanita," Ellen surprised both of them by saying, as she set the sleeping bag in the corner. "You've been so wonderful to Alex, from what I've been told in just a few short hours. And my grandson thinks you're something special."

Juanita replied by telling them she had to grab some dinner and get out of the shoes she had on because she'd been on her feet all day. "I'll be over in 20 minutes or so. I never thought I'd meet Alex's family!" She smiled as turned toward the door and let herself out.

That gave them just enough time to put Bo to sleep. Ellen watched Alex read him a little soft baby book and was amazed as Bo pointed to the objects as Alex said them. They walked him around the room for a few minutes as he began rubbing his eyes. Without thinking, Ellen began singing the same song she had sung to Alex and their brothers when they were little. Alex remembered the tune but very few of the words, but Ellen knew them all. The song worked like magic, and Bo only fussed a little when Alex laid him in his crib. They put the stuffed animal Juanita had recently given him just out of reach but where he could see it, and Bo slowly drifted off to sleep as Ellen sang one more rendition.

Chapter 26

Juanita came over less than a half hour later, bearing gifts of food. She also brought a small folding chair, and a small old fashioned boom box. She plugged it in near the sleeping Bo, and when she pushed play, some beautiful lullaby music began to play.

"Juanita! Where did that come from?" Alex demanded.

"Oh, that? That's Bo's own CD. He hasn't told you about it?" Juanita winked at Ellen as she said that. "He says it helps him sleep when the adults in the room are talking."

Alex was pretty sure Juanita had never had any company over when she had Bo at her place, but realized Juanita probably talked on the phone after he fell sleep. Juanita had a small network of transgender friends that she kept in close contact with. Thinking of that made Alex realize they had not mentioned to Ellen that Juanita was transgender. They decided to let that come out naturally.

Juanita settled herself on the chair she had brought with her and gestured to Ellen and Alex to sit on the futon. She began taking little snacks out of her bag. The first was a small gold box, which Juanita opened to reveal 4 pieces of chocolate. Next, she had a little tub of Boursin cheese, and a cellophane tube of sesame crackers. These were Juanita's favorite snacks, and that she brought them over to share with Alex's mother meant a lot to Alex.

"What have you brought, Juanita?" Ellen asked, Juanita offered her a chocolate, which she was happy to accept, as was Alex. "I've never had a Godiva chocolate before!" Ellen exclaimed. "It was worth the wait!" She took a bite and savored it, enjoying the delicious chocolate.

Alex nodded in agreement. Then Juanita helped herself to one before she doled out crackers and cheese, one cracker at a time. She opened the foil wrapper of the Boursin, scraped a cracker across the top, and handed one to Ellen. Ellen had never tasted this before, either, and exclaimed with delight, "Juanita! This is fabulous."

Alex got up to get glasses of water for the three of them, but Juanita proceeded to pull a bottle of red wine out of her bottomless bag. "Ellen, I never, ever drink with Alex...they're underage! But will you join me in a little wine? I feel like today calls for a celebration!"

"Oh, yes, please!" Ellen exclaimed. "What a day it's been for me! I found my Alex, whom I thought I had lost forever. And I met my darling grandson! I didn't even know I was a grandmother! I'd say that calls for a glass of wine!"

Alex brought two empty juice glasses and one filled with water for herself. They hadn't had a drink since high school, before they became pregnant, and really had no interest now. However, they were enjoying seeing Juanita and their mother loosen up. Their mother seemed genuinely thrilled about Bo, and Juanita asked her, "Ellen, would you like to hear the story of the night he was born?"

Ellen enthusiastically agreed, and before Juanita started the story, she suggested a toast.

"Let's drink to family, friends and babies!" After they toasted, Ellen and Juanita with wine and Alex with water, Juanita told the most engaging story of how she came to the hospital as Alex's birthing coach. Her memory was pretty much the same as Alex's, except she remembered the all-business nurse a little differently.

"There was this very serious nurse, whom I'm sure had never knowingly been in the presence of anyone transgender, much less in the birthing room! I had to set that woman straight, and you bet Alex did, too!"

"How did she take it?" Ellen genuinely wanted to know. She assumed Juanita was referring to Alex as the transgender person in the room, and imagined seeing a transgender person giving birth was a unique experience. She was so pleased with herself that she had practiced thinking of Alex as a male for the past year.

"Oh, when we both were firm about my role as birthing coach, and when she saw how well Alex responded to me, she changed her tune, didn't she, Alex?"

Ellen was a little puzzled, still assuming Alex was the transgender person Juanita referred to. Alex agreed with Juanita, who went on with the rest of Alex's labor and the relatively easy delivery. "I think that's why Bo is such a calm baby, Ellen. He didn't have much trouble entering the world."

The three of them sat quietly for a few minutes, enjoying the crackers and cheese, and the wine, until finally Ellen broke the silence. "Thank you so much for telling me that story, Juanita. I wish I had known; I wish I had been there for Alex, and to welcome Bo. Thank you so much for being here for them!"

Tears of compassion rolled slowly from Juanita's lovely brown eyes. "It was really an experience of a lifetime for me, Ellen," she said with great sincerity. Then she cleared her throat and stood. "It's time for me to go. You two must have a lot of talking to catch up on, and then there's work tomorrow for Alex and me." She bent over and softly touched Bo's sleeping body. She unplugged the little boom box, stopping the lovely lullaby music, picked up her chair and went to the door. Alex followed her and opened it. "You're the best, Juanita."

Ellen was right behind her. "Juanita," she spoke softly. "You are like the daughter I never had. I'm so happy to meet you!" Then she reached up and gave Juanita a little hug.

Juanita let out a little whoop, and Alex felt a little embarrassed by Ellen's words, but Juanita mouthed, "She doesn't know?" Incredulous, she hugged Ellen back, chair, boom box and all. Then she walked across the hallway to her own door.

Alex shut the door and turned to face their mother. "Mom," they said in a strong voice. "You have no idea, do you?"

"What do you mean, Alex?" Ellen had expected some awkward moments, but she was totally not expecting it at this point in her first visit with her long lost child. She thought things had gone incredibly well so far.

"Juanita...was born Juan." That was all Alex stated, but the look of disbelief, then comprehension, then embarrassment that showed on Ellen's face was hard to describe. It was even harder for Ellen to understand it. Her first words were, "No way!! I don't believe it. Juanita is transgender? She's beautiful. Oh my God, Alex! I probably should have known; I should have said something...should I have? I was a little confused when she said that nurse had likely never been in the presence of a transgender person, but honestly, I thought she meant you."

"Actually, Mom, I think you did great. I think it's the dream of every transgender person to just be accepted for who they are. Maybe I didn't need to ever tell you. I was really afraid you might say something like, 'Wait until you have a baby of your own,' but you didn't. It's really painful for Juanita not to have all girl parts."

"But she has boobs, Alex! That wasn't all bra!"

"She takes hormones. She dreams of bottom surgery one day. Actually, so do I!"

They talked about this as they made their way back to the futon and started readying it for Ellen to sleep on, and then they made a place on the floor to unroll the sleeping bag. They talked quietly as they prepared for bed.

"Well, how would I know she doesn't have all girl parts? How would anyone? Really," and at this Ellen hesitated, "I don't think people would look at you and think girl. I'm pretty sure I heard your coworker say she thought you were a guy today! And I apologize for asking for my daughter when I came in. I was so overcome with the thought of seeing you that I just didn't stop to think. I practiced a lot of what I wanted to say, but when I got that close to seeing you, all my plans disappeared."

"You did hear her say that. I never state my gender because it's never been accurate. I am sure you made Juanita's week – heck, you might have made her year! - by mentioning her as a daughter. Her personal story is filled with rejection by her family, except from her mother, who understood but died when Juanita was too young."

Ellen responded by saying she had read that many transgender people faced an awful lot of rejection. Ellen also said she understood what bottom surgery meant, and if that was what Alex wanted, they had her support.

Alex was surprised, and pleased that their mother had learned so much since they'd been gone. Aloud, they simply said, "Now I'm going to take a quick shower – you can, too – and get ready for bed. We can keep talking, though."

Alex proceeded to take a quick shower and get ready for bed, and Ellen did the same. Ellen couldn't help but note that even though it was a flimsy shower stall, it was spotless, as was the tiny kitchen area. They made small talk until they both were settled in for the night, Ellen on the futon, and Alex in the sleeping bag on the floor.

"Alex, when I found out you were here, I made all these plans in my head. I would come find you, I would bring you home. I would promise our lives would be better." Alex started to interrupt her, but Ellen continued talking. "Let me finish. I had created in my mind, a completely different set of circumstances than what I've found. Never, never in my wildest imaginations did I expect there would be a baby. More likely, I pictured you living as a male, with a network of transgender friends. And I guess that last part is partly true?"

Ellen paused here for Alex to answer. "Juanita is my only close friend, Mom. I met other young parents at the Center, mostly females, and the Center has been so helpful, but I am the only transgender person they've had go through the program. They told me that, and you can't imagine how supportive they've been! Do you know why I'm working at this particular hospital? It's because this woman, Lily, from the Center noticed the application had a box for 'other' along with male and female on the line that asked for the applicant's sex! They steered me to the hospital so I could fit in better..." Alex let Ellen digest all that, and then added, "I have met some other young people in a class I took at the church I've been going to. But they're still acquaintances. My only other friend is a college intern at the Center."

"You've been going to church?" Ellen was very surprised. "Certainly they aren't supportive?"

"Actually, Mom, at this church, they are incredibly accepting. This isn't like those judgmental, holier than the rest of the world churches. This feels like Jesus is sitting right next to me every Sunday. They teach that we are to love everyone, no ifs, ands, or buts. The class I went to was taught by the most incredible gay man, and all of us who attended were L, G, B, T, Q, I or A."

"I don't even know what those letters all mean, Alex! I only know LGBT. What are Q, I, and A?"

"It depends on who answers the question. Some say Q is for questioning, and some say it's for queer. I stands for intersex, and A is for asexual. The cool thing about the class was we were not asked to identify ourselves as one of the letters. We just were asked what pronouns we preferred. You haven't asked – and I've noticed you've been very careful not to refer to me as your daughter or Bo's mother – but I mostly go by 'they, them, their' when people ask. I really do hope to transition one of these days, Mom."

"I've been working on the pronoun thing," Ellen admitted. "It feels awkward for me, though."

"Probably not as awkward as being called a girl for most of my life has felt," Alex revealed.

Ellen let that sink in. "Your Aunt Jo has really spear-headed our family acceptance. She made me talk to your brothers and you won't believe their reaction!"

Alex was curious to hear this and didn't have to wait long. "They both looked at me and said the exact same thing. "You're just noticing this now?"

Alex smiled when they heard that. Although not really close, their brothers really had understood!

"Apparently, the younger the generation, the more readily acceptance occurs. Anyway, Alex, now that I'm here, now that I see the life you have made, I don't think I have the right to ask you to come home."

"Mom, I'm trans. You know that now, and you have the right to ask me anything you want. You are my mother. But I can tell you, I won't be coming back home. I can't have the same kind of life there. Everyone would always know me as 'that transgender person.' Here, no one knows I played softball in high school. They probably think I played baseball! And when my transition is complete, whenever I am able to do that, that's what they'll all think. I'm hoping to be Bo's coach on a little league team one day, as his dad. I can do that here. I could never do that at home."

There was a brief silence before Ellen spoke.

"I really do understand, Alex. I can't believe the life you've created for yourself and Bo here. I couldn't be prouder of you! But I do want to have a relationship with you. I want you to be part of our family – you ARE part of the family! Do you think I could bring your brothers or Aunt Jo to visit? Do you think you'd ever bring Bo to meet them?"

"I would really love everyone to come here to meet Bo, and yes, I will bring Bo to meet all his relatives. I'm incredibly proud of him, even at this age."

"You should be! And now, I must get a little sleep before he wakes us up! I'm exhausted – I'm not sure if it's mentally or physically, or both, but I have another long drive ahead of me tomorrow! What time does he get up? What time do you go to work?"

***********

Ellen couldn't remember the answers Alex gave to those questions, but she woke to Bo making adorable baby sounds in the crib right next to her. Alex hadn't wakened yet, and when Ellen sat up, Bo smiled at her and stood in the crib. She quietly picked him up and brought him across the room to change his overnight diaper. He let her do that without fussing. Next, she looked around to for something to feed him for breakfast. He reached for a banana and she found a box of oat cereal, and his milk cup from the night before was in the fridge. Not wanting to wake up Alex, she sat on the floor with him in the crook of her legs, and fed him bits of banana, cereal and sips of milk. Alex started to move and finally sat up, a little disoriented from being on the floor. Then they looked at Bo's crib, and jumped up when they saw he wasn't in it. Softly, Ellen said, "We're here, Alex. He's fine. Just having a little breakfast without waking you!"

"Good morning, Bo!" Alex came over and smiled at Bo, sitting inside Ellen's legs, and shoving cereal into his mouth. "Morning, Mom! This is the first time since I've had him that he didn't wake me up! Well, over here at least. We've spent a few nights with Juanita, and she does this same thing...gets him up without waking me! Wow! Looks like he's in good hands!"

Ellen was thrilled to do this with her grandson. Her decades' old feeling of being overtired and bearing the weight of the world on her shoulders was so much less now that she had found Alex and learned about Bo. Having this little being in her life gave her new energy. She smiled up at Alex and said, "This has been so much better than I ever dreamed. My heart can barely handle the joy this little guy is giving me. I've always heard that being a grandparent was going to be amazing, but I was not expecting to be one any time soon!"

***********

Before Ellen headed back home, she and Alex made plans to get together again soon, and to talk on the phone at least once a week. Ellen took many pictures of Bo and Alex and left with feelings of calmness over how much better things were between her and Alex. There was also sadness over how hard it was to learn about Bo and have to leave him so soon. She at least knew she would see him again soon. And Alex went to work that morning with a completely different feeling than they had ever known. Bo had a grandmother who loved him, and Alex had no doubt that Aunt Jo and her brothers would feel that way too. The idea of Bo having relatives had never even been part of their expectations. And now, they had a brighter future than Alex ever anticipated.

Chapter 27

Jim and I were married at the end of September. We chose Heaven's Haven and asked Connie to marry us, after the fantastic job she did at Bob and Marshall's wedding. I wore the same dress I had worn in their wedding because both Jim and I thought it was the prettiest thing I owned. After the wedding, we left for a week's vacation, which everyone called our honeymoon. That made both of us laugh. Didn't they know we felt like we were on a honeymoon every night since Jim finally moved here?

When we came back, we knew we wanted to make a difference in the LGBTQ community and sat down with Connie to try to figure out the best way.

"Your heart has led you here, hasn't it?" she asked us as we settled into the comfortable chairs in her Zen-like office. It felt more like being in nature than being inside an old building with concrete floors and high ceilings. The natural woods and wall hangings were restful, and the oil diffuser on her desk gave off a pleasant aroma that reminded us of flowers blooming in the woods. The atmosphere made us both feel like we belonged. Actually, Connie had a way of making everyone feel that way.

"We want to make a difference, and we want to be supportive, but we're not sure if we should try to do something on an individual basis, or something that will be beneficial to the LGBTQ community," Jim explained to her. He looked at me for agreement, which I readily gave with a nod of my head.

"We have support groups, pretty much for any of those letters. They are well attended, and at the moment, they are well-staffed, although that could change. I was wondering if you'd like to set up a way to help someone, or several people, continue their education? Many members of the LGBTQ community have less family support than straight college-aged students to do those things, and we could set up a unique program with monetary support, emotional support, or whatever you both feel you could give."

My interest grew as I considered how fortunate both my children and Bob had been to have family support as they went to college. I realized the lack of that support probably stopped many from continuing in school after they came out.

"Did you have a particular person in mind?" This time, I asked the question.

Connie hesitated, and before she responded, I mentioned Alex by name. I knew just enough of Alex's story to realize they were doing everything alone, and the idea of forming a support just for this person thrilled me. Jim added to my thoughts, "Perhaps we could have a mission to help just one person at a time?"

"Actually," Connie responded, "I did have Alex in mind. Alex is quite a special and unique situation. They're such a caring, hard-working person. Do you know Alex through church here?" Connie inquired.

"I first heard about Alex long before we saw them here at Heaven's Haven. Lily from the Center, is a friend of mine. She worked with Alex and struggled with Alex's unknown gender, which she discussed with our group of mutual friends. And then, my son's best friend, Andrea, worked with Alex as part of her course in college! That connection also came through Lily, who, just like you, found Alex to be a very special person. So I've known about Alex for a while, but I've only met them briefly, at Bob and Marshall's wedding. What can we do to help Alex?"

At this point, Jim spoke up. "I don't think I've met Alex, have I? I can't remember anyone with that name."

I acknowledged that he wasn't with me when I met Alex, nor when Andrea and Lily spoke about them, so before Connie answered my question, I told him the story – starting with Lily not knowing how to help Alex dress for interviews, which was the first time I'd heard Alex's story. Connie told Jim about Alex being transgender, the victim of rape, having a baby with no family support, and finally, about how successful Alex's participation in the parenting program at the Center had gone, as well as how well her new job was going. Connie added a few things I did not know, such as Alex had a dream of training as an X-ray technician, and their desire to transition before Bo would remember them as anything but male. Connie had just learned that Alex's mother had tracked them down and was more than welcoming and accepting of both, Alex being transgender and the shocking discovery of being a grandmother.

"This is an unbelievable story, Connie!" Jim exclaimed. "This is something we could do concretely to help – I can see quite a few needs here." He looked at me and said, "I'd like to meet Alex, and I'd like us to figure out the best way we could help. What do you think, Mara?"

I nodded my agreement, and we wrapped up our first meeting with Connie by deciding to figure out how best to meet Alex's needs. Little did I know Andrea was going to be a big help with this, just as she had been with helping Alex get their job.

**************

And so it was that just two weeks later, Jim and I sat back in Connie's office, where we met not only Alex, but also Bo. Alex had no idea why Connie had arranged for us to meet, and as we settled down to chat, with Bo well entertained by a box of blocks Connie just happened to have in her office, Alex seemed a little uncomfortable. Even though I knew the answer, I couldn't stop myself from trying to assess what gender Alex portrayed. The clothes did not help. A boxy figure gave no clues. Their ponytail was short and neat – again, it did not give away a gender. There was no sign of shaving, but the mannerisms were not feminine. Even as I watched Alex settle Bo on the floor next to the blocks, I realized why Lily hadn't been able to figure out Alex's gender all those months ago.

"I think all of you have connections you're not aware of, Alex. Mara knows Lily from the Center, as well as Andrea..."

I interrupted Connie when I saw Alex light up at the mention of Andrea's name. "Andrea is my son, Jonathan's best friend. Actually, we met briefly at the wedding."

"I remember your son!" Alex told me enthusiastically. "And Andrea...well, she's one of the best people I've met since moving here. I miss her! I think you came over to us at the wedding?"

I nodded, yes. "I think we've come up with a way for you to see her more often...again..." I stumbled, becoming aware of how strange all this might be for Alex.

Connie sensed my hesitation. "Alex, Jim and Mara recently got married. Actually, to put Jim into perspective, he is Marshall's father-in-law." A look of comprehension spread over Alex's face. "Jonathan may have mentioned that at the wedding."

This time Jim spoke. "Alex, Mara and I want to try to make a differnce in the LGBTQ+ community. We've met with Connie, trying to figure how. I know this is kind of strange, but we'd be honored to become part of your life. Yours and Bo's."

Alex looked at Connie who nodded, then they looked at Jim, and finally to me. At that very moment, Bo knocked several blocks and shrieked with joy. We all giggled.

"Bo certainly seems to like the idea!" Alex exclaimed with a smile. "But I really don't know what you mean." There was no sign that Alex was uncomfortable with our quest, but they had no idea what we were asking.

"We've heard what a remarkable person you are, Alex. We understand you have some plans for the future...entering in the program to become an X-ray technician, having a transition. Those are things we'd like to help with. We'd like to be able to help with Bo when you're going to school. We'd like to help with your transition."

I stopped talking. Alex looked at each person in the room. We sat there in uncomfortable silence, except for Bo who was still well-entertained with the colorful blocks.

"This is beyond my comprehension," were the words that finally came from Alex. "Not too long ago, all of those dreams seemed so far out of my reach. Then Andrea helped me get this job. Lily helped, too. I found this church and felt welcomed...and loved." At those words, Alex looked at Connie. "Then my mom found me. And she accepted me. I never expected that reaction!" Alex paused, attempting to regain their composure. "Now you're offering to help me..."Alex's voice trickled off as an unexpected tear slipped from their eye. They quickly brushed it away. Even as the tear fell, it did not make Alex seem any less masculine or more feminine to me.

Jim reached over and patted Alex's leg. "Listen, we know this is really an unusual request, but Alex, buddy, it would be our honor to become your mentors. We'd like to be surrogate grandparents to Bo – or baby-sitters, or help with transportation. We are here to help any way we can."

Bo stood up and took a few steps toward Alex, who picked him up and hugged him. He twisted in Alex's arms until he was facing me. He gave me the best big smile, and reached for the pendant I was wearing. I took him from Alex and let him handle my necklace, which was a polished piece of mother of pearl shell on a black silk cord. Jim stood up and came over. He reached for Bo, and Bo reached back. I had never seen my husband hold a baby before, and he looked so incredibly happy. He carefully sat down and slid Bo to the end of his legs, holding hands with him as they faced one another.

"Would you like to go for a horsy-ride?" I barely recognized Jim's voice as he spoke baby-talk to Bo. Without waiting for an answer from Bo, he started jiggling his leg and taking Bo on a horsy ride.

The rest of us just watched with awe as Bo shrieked and laughed at Jim's antics. I think I fell in love with him a little harder that night, and Alex's demeanor changed from concerned and confused to accepting us. Who would have expected a horsey ride to make the difference?

Chapter 28

So many stronger-than-mere-coincidence things had happened in my life over the past year. I can't say I was shocked the next morning when I arrived at work and immediately learned there was a new listing for a condominium in my building. Jim had been concerned about selling his old place before moving here – not because it held all the memories of Susie, his first wife, but because he wanted to own a piece of real estate as part of his assets. The moment I saw the condo listing, which was very small – just a one bedroom, a small study, and one bathroom, I had an idea. It was about a half block away from where we lived, and without hesitating, I forwarded the listing to him. All I said in the email was "Does this give you any ideas?"

My cell phone rang within five minutes. It was Jim.

"If I had a little real estate, it could be a nice investment for the future."

"Yes," I giggled. "It certainly would."

"And," he continued, "it might be a nicer place for Alex and Bo until they finish school. Nice and close to us."

"Hmm." I pretended to think it over, but that was exactly what had crossed my mind when I saw the listing. "That's a remarkable idea, darling."

Jim just laughed and said, "We're on the same page again, aren't we?"

We decided that he would go ahead and make an offer – I knew the condo's layout well and the asking price was perfect for our neighborhood. I'd go check it out first, and we'd move on it without talking to Alex. We were a little worried we had been overwhelming towards Alex but in our hearts, we felt this was a direction we were being led. As I left my office and drove back to my neighborhood, I could already envision Alex living close by and having us to lean on when they had to study or needed someone to look after Bo.

The condo was exactly as I had anticipated; it was just about move-in ready, and within a week, we had made a deal. We set a closing date for four weeks. The current owners were thrilled with the fast sale, and asked if they could leave some of the furniture. They were moving out of the country, and couldn't take it with them. We thought that would work out perfectly for Alex, who certainly didn't have any extra money to furnish a bigger place. Connie had told us where Alex lived, and we felt it was too rough and too small a place for them and that precious little guy. Finding this place seemed like a perfect solution and a door opened by God.

Prior to our wedding, we had arranged to have a post-wedding celebration in mid-October – not a dinner, but a Saturday afternoon with hors d'oeuvres and such. When we drew up the list of guests, it was larger than we had expected. We wanted all our children to attend, but realistically, we knew that since Jonathan and Gabrielle had come for the wedding a few weeks earlier, they wouldn't be able to make it. So the celebration would include Bob and Marshall, our mutual group of friends, several people from Heaven's Haven, including Alex, Bo, and Connie. We wanted them all to feel free to bring a guest. And we had decided that during this celebration, we planned to share our purchase with Alex. We even had permission from the owner to bring Alex to see it. While we had expected to meet Alex's best friend, we were taken by surprise by meeting her family at our party.

************

We had invited Andrea, telling her Alex was coming. When we invited Alex, we told them to bring a friend with them, which they said they would like to do. They had mentioned a neighbor, Juanita, to Jim and me as we worked out how we could play a helpful role in Alex's life. Alex made it clear that Juanita had been Alex and Bo's biggest support since Alex had moved across the hall from her. We learned that Juanita had been Alex's birthing coach, was like an aunt to Bo, and that it was important to Alex that Juanita meet us. Jim and I had planned to invite Juanita along when we showed Alex the condo.

The afternoon got off to a great start. Of course Bob and Marshall were there. Bob had actually made some of the food, but mostly we had hired a caterer so we could enjoy our celebration. I had invited Mayabelle and Andre, and they brought little Marsh with them, as we had asked. We thought Bo and little Marshall might enjoy that. Marshall carried in a tote bag that he set in the living room. Thinking it was more of Bob's food, I asked if he wanted to bring it into the kitchen. He smiled and opened the bag to reveal a collage of colorful animals and shapes. Some of them rattled, some squeaked, and all were the perfect size for little hands. His namesake was already interested in the bag, and made his way across the room. He shrieked with delight when he looked inside. That brought forth one of Marshalls endearing laughs, and we all joined in.

Lily and Winston, of course, had come, both as our friends and Marshall's relatives. Andrea and her mother, Ginny, were there and neither had brought a companion. Andrea was comfortable moving from Lily to Marshall to little Marshall as she waited for Alex to arrive, while her mother stayed closer to me. She knew quite a few of those there, but she was rather shy.

Dage and Keonna from Our Place stopped by for a short time but left before Alex, Bo, and Alex's friend arrived. Just as they were leaving, Connie arrived. She brought her wife, Myesha, whom we knew from church. She was surprised Alex hadn't arrived yet. In fact, Jim and I had just realized that our celebration was almost over and they were still missing. Just as we said that to each other, the doorbell rang. Andrea ran to the door and said, "Finally! That has to be Alex!" When she opened it, she was amazed at the sight before her. There stood Alex and Bo, and surely that was their friend Juanita, but who were all the other people? Andrea greeted Alex with a big hug and called my name.

Jim and I went to the door and were quite surprised by the group Alex had brought. Lily was on my heels and rushed past me to greet..."Juanita! You're here! How on earth do you know Jim and Mara?" Lily apparently didn't see the crowd behind Juanita. Before Juanita answered, Alex spoke up.

"Jim, Mara! I'm so sorry I'm late. I'm so sorry I couldn't get a hold of you – I even looked up your number for real estate, Mara, but it went straight to voice mail. My family surprised me this morning and came for a visit. I wasn't sure what to do, but after how kind you've been to me and Bo, Juanita and I decided it was best to bring them all with me, rather than to not show at all. I'm really sorry about this!"

Alex had never spoken that many words to either of us before. Jim immediately moved aside and together we assured them, "You are all welcome! We are happy to have Alex's family here! Now could I have some names, please?" Jim was so kind and genuine, Alex relaxed and looked at him gratefully. They began making introductions.

There were six people with Alex, including Juanita. I still didn't know how Lily knew Juanita, but Alex had told us enough about her that I was sure it was their special neighbor friend, especially when I saw how comfortable she and Bo were together. Bo clung to her as they all entered the foyer of our condo.

"This is my mother, Ellen. Her sister, Jo. My grandpa – Bill?" they asked the older gentleman who looked rather confused by all of us. "Grandpa, do you want them to call you Bill?" They spoke a little louder to him than they had the others.

"That's fine, but you can call me 'Grandpa' if you want to. I'll answer either way." He had a friendly smile, but still looked a bit baffled by all the people.

Next, I noticed two boys, probably 10 or 12 years old, who looked a lot like Alex. Alex finished making the introductions. "These are my brothers, Cam and Riley."

We all shook hands, and I invited them to the food table. "We're so happy you have come to our home to help us celebrate! We are so impressed by Alex here. Please get yourselves a plate of food!" I motioned to the dining room table that was half empty, but there was plenty of cake left. Andrea, followed by Lily, had already brought Alex, Bo, and Juanita over to meet little Marshall and his parents. I watched Juanita, who was dressed in skinny black pants with a colorful silky blouse, along with matching black pumps. Her hair was shiny and curly, held back by a wide headband that matched her outfit. I saw her sit right down on the floor and Bo followed her lead. Then Juanita reached into Marshall's bag, and pulled out a block, which she gave little Marshall. Then she reached in and pulled out a second one, which she gave to Bo. Bo tried to hand his block to little Marshall, and Marshall took it. Then Juanita started to build a tower, and I watched as both boys did everything she did.

"Wow, Juanita!" Andrea spoke up, "Alex always told me you were amazing with Bo. I see it!" Then she introduced both Alex and Juanita to everyone in the room, except Lily, who explained their connection.

"Alex, Juanita, get some food!" I called to them.

Alex started heading toward the table, but Juanita exclaimed, "And leave these little guys? No way!"

"Want me to bring you a piece of cake?" Andrea asked Juanita, who shook her head. "Maybe a little later. I never get to play with two little ones at the same time!"

Meanwhile, Jim was trying to make Alex's family comfortable, and I joined him. We had Grandpa sit in a chair and filled a plate for him. He asked a few questions – pointing to the rumaki, he asked, "What's this?" When his daughter, Jo, explained it was water chestnuts wrapped in bacon, he asked, "What are water chestnuts?" Jo sat down next to him.

The boys, Cam and Riley, helped themselves to the chicken wings. Jim assured them it was fine to finish them all and to use their fingers to eat them, so they did. That seemed pretty normal to me for boys their age.

"Jim and Mara, I am so sorry to come unannounced like this!" Ellen, Alex's mother, was speaking to us. "Alex really did try to reach you! Finally, she, I mean, he and Juanita thought it was better for all of us to come – they refused to leave us back at Alex's place."

"Ellen, we are really happy to meet you. We have some pretty special plans for your Alex."

"Really?" She didn't seem to know what to say to that. "Alex explained he knows you from church, and Andrea and Lily from the parenting center that helped her so much."

"Yes, that's right," Jim replied. "They don't know what we are planning, though. I think it's really great that you are here, right now. We are going to share it with Alex when things quiet down."

I watched Ellen's puzzled expression for a moment, then I went back to the living room to enjoy watching Juanita with the babies. She and Lily were talking as she played.

"Hey, Lily, Juanita! How do you know each other?"

Juanita was quick to explain that she did make-up for the Center girls as they prepared to interview for jobs. Lily added that Juanita had been working at her favorite department store for several years, at the make-up counter. I recalled when we were dress shopping with Mayabelle, Lily had mentioned she knew someone who worked at the store.

Alex was standing next to Andrea, enjoying the cake, but they stopped and said to Andrea, "I never let her touch me with that stuff!"

"I'm sure, Alex! But hey, I might ask her to help me out when I finish school and have to interview for jobs. Juanita," she called to her, "you must do amazing work. Your makeup – actually, all of you – you're just beautiful! I hope you'll help me when I'm ready to interview!"

"Oh, are you at the Center, too? I'd be happy to help you! Where's your baby?"

"Juanita," Alex explained, "Andrea's the one that helped me get the job at the hospital. She and Lily pushed me to pursue the plans that I had before having Bo."

A look of recognition spread over Juanita's face. "I'm sorry, Andrea! I couldn't think of how Alex knew you. Now I remember. You're the college student, right?"

Andrea nodded.

Juanita kept talking. "You know, this is pretty weird. I mean, I know Alex and Lily. Lily somehow knows Mara –"

Andrea interrupted to explain, "Mara was our next door neighbor many years ago, and her son, Jonathan is my best friend in all the world."

"Ahh," continued Juanita. But how about you?" She looked at Mayabelle. "Don't I recognize you as a customer of mine, too? What's the connection?"

"I used to see you more often – then I had little Marshall! Good memory. The connection is simple. I'm Marshall's cousin."

"Marshall who taught your class at Heaven's Haven?" Juanita asked Alex.

Alex confirmed that. "Okay, now I'm getting things together. But Marshall," she looked at Winston when she said this. "What is your connection to Mara and Jim?"

"Oh no, I'm not Marshall. I'm Winston, Lily's boyfriend. But I'm also Mayabelle's brother!"

Juanita was struggling to continue making the connections, but then Marshall came closer to her. "I'm Marshall. Mayabelle and Winston are my cousins, and little Marshall here is my namesake! I'm married to Bob, who is Jim's son!"

"Oh my God! This is a very small world, it seems. For such a big city!! I bet there's a little more to all these stories but that's enough information for me for now!" Juanita went back to playing with the little boys.

Jo, Alex's aunt, had been watching the entire exchange. Marshall looked over at her, and asked, "Is this the first time you've met Bo?"

She nodded. "Yes, and he's stolen all our hearts. He's tolerating us, but really, he only has eyes for Alex and Juanita."

Marshall and Bob gravitated toward Jo and Grandpa and sat down in the dining room with them. They each took a serving of cake and made sure Grandpa didn't want anything before they began a conversation with Jo.

"I had Alex in a class I teach at church," Marshall explained. "Alex has accomplished quite a lot for someone so young."

"I've known Alex her – him." Jo, for all the coaching she had provided to her sister in the time Alex had left, still struggled with using proper pronouns herself. "I've known him since he was born!"

Marshall nodded and said, "For now, I think we're all going with they, them, their."

So Jo began again. "I've known Alex all their life, and never did I imagine Bo!! It's such a tragic sounding story until you see Alex in action. Then it turns into something special, doesn't it?"

Jo paused as Marshall, and Bob beside him, both agreed. Then she asked, "What kind of class did you teach?"

Marshall explained that it was a Bible study that focused on loving everyone, regardless of LGBTQI+ status. Jo mentioned that Alex really hadn't been brought up with much church time, except for summer Bible school and occasional church on holidays.

"Alex mentioned that to me," Marshall acknowledged. "They said they felt very drawn to the church even before Bo was born, and one of our pastors, Connie, was very welcoming toward them. Connie had also been raped as a young woman. She's over there -" and he pointed to Connie and Myesha, who had joined the group enjoying Juanita playing with the babies.

Before long, the party started to wind down. As each guest left, they spoke not only to Jim and me, but also to Alex's family. Andrea stayed until everyone else was gone, visiting with Alex and Juanita, and playing with Bo. Lily and Winston offered to drop Ginny off so Andrea could stay a little longer, and Ginny was happy to accept.

"Thanks, Lily!" Andrea said. "And I wanted to tell you, next semester, I need to find a place to volunteer at least ten hours a week as a work experience..."

"We'd be so happy to have you back," Lily replied. Then she turned to Ginny and surprised her by telling her Andrea was her first choice for an intern. After that, the three of them left, leaving Alex and her family, Juanita and Andrea with Jim and me.

"We have something pretty special to share with Alex tonight," Jim led the discussion, but paused to let me pick it up.

"We're thrilled you're here to share this moment with her." Alex looked at Andrea and Juanita, who were both involved with entertaining Bo, but looked up at us with question marks apparent on their faces. Alex's family just looked back at us.

Jim said, "Let's just take a short walk, as we think showing you will be better than trying to explain." The entire group of us left our condo to walk less than a block away and arrived at the one Jim had just purchased.

"As you know, we want to help Alex meet all their goals. We want to help with Bo, but we felt it was going to be hard given it's two bus rides away."

Again Jim paused, and I continued, looking mainly at Juanita, who had begun to put two and two together. "Come on in and see what we have here."

We all entered the condo, which had seemed small to Jim and me when we compared it to our place. But Alex and Juanita both exclaimed at all the room. No one else said much as we walked through. It had an average sized living room that was easily visible from the kitchen, which opened directly to it as well as to a little nook that already had a table and three chairs set up. The living room had a couch, two end tables with lamps, and one comfortable lounger. There were empty shelves for books, and a place for a television. Then we walked into the little study, which had a door, but no furniture. The bathroom had a tub with a shower, and before we even looked into the single bedroom, Alex turned and finally spoke.

"Jim, Mara, you know I could not afford this place, right? I know it looks small compared to what you have –"

We both interrupted them, and Juanita placed one hand on Alex's arm, and the other on her throat as she guessed at our plan.

"Alex," I looked directly at them. "We know that. This is our investment in your future. You and Bo can stay here until you are finished with school and on your own."

Finally, Ellen spoke. "This is an amazing offer, Jim and Mara. I just can't figure out...why? Why are you doing this?"

We tried to explain that as part of our marriage vows, we promised to help others who usually face discrimination, especially members of the LGBTQ+ community. We worked with the church to find out the best way to do that, and Alex was known by many of our friends. As we were talking, I noticed Juanita walking around, hugging herself, and looking very melancholy. Deciding that Jim had our conversation with Ellen covered and noticing that Alex and Andrea were busy checking out the kitchen while Alex's brothers were playing with Bo as Jo and Grandpa looked on, I went to Juanita as she walked into the study.

"Juanita?" I softly called her name. She turned and I saw there were tears in her eyes. "Please don't be upset!" Before I said any more, she shook her head no.

"These are not tears of sadness, Mara! Although it is very sad to think I can't come home from work to see that little boy any time I want. I'm astounded that you and Jim have such big hearts, and the means to help my good friend. They are lucky! Lucky indeed!"

I put my arm around her shoulder, reaching up a little because Juanita was taller than me. I gave her a little hug and told her, "From what I understand, Alex has managed to do so much because of your help! You, too, have a huge heart!"

Ellen and Jim were at the doorway of the study. "I bet you thought this would be a perfect room for Bo!" Ellen looked around, and Juanita nodded in agreement as she inconspicuously wiped the tears from her face.

"His crib will fit nicely along that wall." She nodded toward the wall without a window. "Actually, a whole bed will fit there, when he's ready for one."

"Yes! Juanita, did you come from a large family? Or are you just a natural when it comes to kids?" I asked. I noticed Ellen winced a little when I asked this, but I had no idea why.

"I did come from a pretty large family," Juanita told me. "But I am the youngest and actually, I have very little experience with kids or babies. So I must be a natural!" She puffed up over that idea, and Ellen seemed anxious to change the subject.

"When were you thinking Alex would move in here?" she asked me.

But Juanita answered that by saying, "This is ready for her whenever they are. Right, Mara?"

I agreed, knowing that we had possession on Monday. "Whenever she wants to move..."

"Our rent is due in two weeks, so I imagine, she'll want to move out before that."

Alex and Andrea came into the study. Alex was still incredulous, but Andrea had convinced them this was a once in a lifetime offer. Alex said, "I can just picture Bo's crib in here." They looked at Juanita, who pointed to the wall.

"And his dresser/changing table over there?" She pointed to the adjacent wall, between two windows."

Then Alex became emotional, and said, "Juanita, how will I ever leave you? You have come here to see us...as often as you can!"

"Oh, Alex, you must know you won't be able to lose me that easily? I will find a way to get here and I will always be here for you. This is an unbelievable offer. You are going to make it, Alex! With all of this help, and your family finding you...I just know it!"

We stayed a short time longer before heading back to our condo. Before long, it was time for everyone to go. We thought it made sense for someone to stay in the condo, since Alex's studio only had the futon and Ellen only had one hotel room. We decided Jo and Grandpa should spend the night there, and we made sure they had everything they needed – I had put some towels out and some hotel samples in the bathroom, and Jo said she would settle Grandpa in the bed and she would take the couch. That actually seemed like a good arrangement, as Grandpa was looking pretty exhausted, and I whispered to Jo that I would be back with an extra pillow and blanket for her.

"I can't thank you enough, Mara and Jim." Jo was so serious when she spoke to us as we were going out the door. "My Alex is so fortunate to have you. You can't imagine the fears I had when Alex turned up missing. Never, never did I imagine that there would be people like you to help. I pictured all sorts of horrors..."

Jim nodded and answered her. "Jo, we've all read what happens to many transgender youth. I'm sure that's what you were thinking happened to Alex. We're going to try to make a difference, one person at a time!"

I was so pleased that I had this wonderful man in my life, and thought it was so kind of Jo to say all that. I could see her thoughts were genuine.

"I can't say my own husband 'gets it.' He's always been kind of rough on Alex for being boyish. Since Alex turned up missing, though, he's become a little more sensitive about things."

As we made our way back down the block to our house, Andrea grabbed Alex by the hand and said, "Can I come by one night and help with the application for the X-ray tech program?"

"I'd like that!" Alex replied.

With that, Andrea crossed the street and got into her little Honda, while the rest of Alex's family and Juanita all piled into Ellen's mini-van. Alex had a car seat for Bo from the Center, and after buckling them in, Alex came up to both Jim and me.

"I'm not much of a hugger, but can I hug you both?" Their voice was gruff and the appreciation was clear as we reciprocated the hug. Before they pulled away, Juanita rolled down the window and threw us a kiss. "You two are amazing," she called to us.

With that, Ellen pulled away from the curb, and everyone waved, even Alex's brothers, who were seated one next to Bo and the other behind him. I had noticed that Bo watched them carefully, and they liked to try to make him laugh.

We marveled at what an amazing celebration we'd had, and went inside to enjoy a piece of cake before cleaning up after the party.

We sat there, in the after party mess, and contemplated what the future would hold with our new mentoring project. We prayed we were up to the task.

Chapter 29

Six months had passed since Alex had moved into the condo. Bo was getting bigger and more mobile every day. Alex had class from 6:30 to 9:30 for the first semester of the program. She went directly from work to school. Jim and I took turns watching Bo on two of the nights Alex had class, and Juanita came over the third night. One night when it was Juanita's turn, she called and asked if one of us could come down to help her out.

When we arrived, Juanita was holding Bo when she answered the door. Bo had on nothing but a diaper.

"Thank you so much for coming!" Juanita exclaimed! "I needed someone to take a look at this and see what I should do.

"What happened?" Jim and I had come together, and both wanted to know what had caused the usually calm, cool and collected Juanita to need our help.

She put Bo down and he immediately ran to the kitchen. On the table, there was a bowl with two oranges and a banana. He was pointing and saying, "Ba..Ba"

So far, neither of us saw a problem, but when Juanita handed him the banana, he stamped his little feet and threw it down. Then he shook his head, and wailed, "No, no! Baaaa!"

"What should I do?" she asked. "He's asking for the banana and when I give it to him, he throws it. He loves bananas!"

Jim immediately saw the problem and handed Bo one of the oranges. His little face lit up and he smiled his most charming smile at Jim.

Juanita was incredulous. "What just happened?" she inquired.

"He was asking for a ball, not a banana," was Jim's simple explanation.

We thought the problem was solved except then, Bo threw the orange. He watched it lay on the floor. He picked it up and looked at Jim. He threw it again with the same results.

"Oh, I get it now," Jim said. "He thinks the orange is a ball, and it's not bouncing! Where's that red ball he loves?"

I went to the living room and retrieved it from the basket of toys Alex kept on the floor in there. Bo again lit up when he saw it. He took it from me and looked at Juanita first, and then Jim. Then he threw the ball. It delighted him when it bounced and rolled, rather than stopping like the orange had. I picked it up, and he threw it towards Juanita next, and finally we repeated the same to Jim. Each time he squealed with delight that it behaved according to his expectations. Juanita sighed a sound of relief and apologized for calling us to come down.

"I've never seen him get so upset!! Thank you for solving this mystery! The sight of him melting down was breaking my heart," and with that she placed her hands over her heart and sighed.

"You know we are just a phone call away, Juanita! Call us any time." We went back home, admiring what a caring young woman Juanita was.

Jim and I marveled at Alex's dedication to the x-ray technician program. They hurried home after class, but on two of the days after class, we knew they studied hard after getting home. On the night Juanita watched Bo, when they came home from school, Alex enjoyed visiting with Juanita and had her spend the night. They had arranged that for many reasons. Juanita could spend more time with Bo in the morning, and it saved her two bus trips late at night. It provided time they could catch up and Alex had all weekend to find time to study. Juanita simply took the bus straight to work on those Friday mornings. It worked out well for everyone. Bo screeched with joy every Thursday when Juanita arrived at our door to get him. We had worked it out so that either Jim or I would pick up Bo on Alex's school nights and bring him to our condo. On the nights we took care of him, the three of us had dinner at our condo, and then we walked up the street to Alex and Bo's place. One or both of us readied him for bed and stayed until Alex came home. On her nights, Juanita sometimes ate with us, and sometimes took him right home and had what she called "a dinner date with Bo." We were enjoying our new friendship with Juanita, who told us her own story over time. Like Ellen, we'd had no idea Juanita was transgender when we met her. Somehow, after we learned that, it made us like and respect her even more. We knew it wasn't easy, yet Juanita had a grace and beauty, both inside and out, that outshone so many other people we knew. Her devotion to Bo was really something special, and we realized she was a mother figure to him. We were more like the grandparents, although Bo called us Aunt Mara and Uncle Jim.

Chapter 30

A year and a half had passed, and Alex was graduating from the program in two weeks. Taking classes year round had been the fastest route. Bo was nearly four years old, and now he was going to a daycare near where we lived. Alex felt he needed more than just babysitting offered at the hospital. The daycare was amazing. It charged on a sliding scale, and without having to pay rent, Alex was able to afford the monthly charges. They often thanked us for all the help we gave, and this was one more benefit. There were many different preschool activities there for him, and he seemed to enjoy them all. He was growing up to be a bright little fellow.

"Uncle Jim! Look at this dinosaur!" We were still watching him two evenings a week, and Bo had taken to calling us Uncle Jim and Aunt Mara, which we loved. This evening, we had brought him to their place right after dinner. He was looking at a book Jim had bought him, studying it as he held a plastic dinosaur. I was drawing a bath for him.

Jim crouched down and looked. "Yes, Bo!" he exclaimed. "Those are the same kinds. The one in your book and your toy. Do you know what it's called?"

Bo thought, with a very serious look on his face. He pointed to the word in the book. "It says it right there, doesn't it, Uncle Jim?"

And sure enough, he was pointing to the word stegosaurus. We were convinced he was a genius. Jim turned the pages of the book and together they located four more words in the book that matched his toys.

We wanted to host Alex's graduation party, but Marshall and Bob told us they felt it was their turn to do something special for Alex.

"Mara," Marshall stopped walking and took my hands as we were going into Our Place for a Saturday afternoon lunch. "You and Jim have done so much for Alex...and for Bo. Bob and I have more space than you, and we want this to be a celebration to remember."

Bob nodded and looked at his father. "Dad, we want to do this." Jim looked at me, and asked me what I thought. I thought Bob and Marshall knew how to throw a great party. So we agreed it would be at their house as we entered our favorite restaurant to have a meal with our favorite restaurateurs.

We continued planning the party, which would be an afternoon picnic. We drew up an invitation list, and decided that Juanita could help with a playlist (Jim and I would not even know what that would sound like!) and they also decided to consult Juanita on favorite foods to have. We all suspected Juanita would include both music and food that Bo loved, as well as Alex's favorites. Marshall and Bob wanted all of Alex's family to come, and hoped that Alex and Juanita would both bring a guest. We had a feeling that Alex had found someone of interest at school, and we knew Juanita had dates every now and then.

Of course, we wanted to invite all of the people who had influenced Alex since they had moved here. That would include most of the people who had come to our wedding celebration, and a few of the workers at the hospital and the Center.

Bob and Marshall wanted to call Alex and tell them about it, which Jim and I thought was a great idea. They were surprised that Alex didn't object too much. In fact, Alex told them, they wished to have a celebration and they would be thrilled if they hosted it. Alex asked if both Andrea and Jonathan could be included.

***********

The next day was a Sunday, and after church, Alex decided to take Bo on a very long walk. He was nearly outgrown the stroller, but was happy to get in when the walk went on for a mile. He was also tired out from Sunday School, which kept all the little ones very busy for the hour plus that the church service lasted. So he did not complain about going for a ride in the stroller. When they arrived at their destination, Alex stood across the street and watched as the lights came on at 11 a.m. They knew it wouldn't open until noon, but the door wouldn't be locked. So taking a deep breath, Alex pushed Bo across the street, and opened the door. Smells of pizza wafted out the door and brought back memories that Alex was ready to face. Picking Bo out of the stroller, Alex opened the door and went inside.

Rosemary turned around and started to say, "We don't open for ..."

Then she looked closer and said, "How do I know you?"

Alex simply said, "I came to apologize. I came to thank you and Tony, too."

Rosemary's eyes grew wide and she looked harder. "No way! You came to apologize?" She turned around and practically shouted, "Tony! Look who came to apologize!"

Tony looked up from making a huge batch of dough. His face was blank until he said, "Alex?"

"She says she wants to apologize and to thank us!"

"I go by 'they' now, but yes, that's what I want to do."

"Is that the baby you tried to keep secret from us?" Rosemary asked.

"What do you mean, they?" Tony asked.

Alex still could not figure out yet whether the atmosphere was accepting, hostile, or what, but they had come with a mission, and they were going to fulfill it.

"Remember the first day I came here, Tony? You asked if I was a he or a she?"

Tony nodded. Bo was still in Alex's arms and didn't move a muscle, which was unusual. Then Alex turned to Rosemary and said, "And remember how you were when you realized I was pregnant?"

Rosemary nodded and started to open her mouth, but Alex put up their hand and said, "Let me finish. I need to explain."

And with that, Alex rapidly told them about being transgender, being raped, and leaving home.

"So when I came here that first day, the two of you helped me in such a profound way, and I've always felt that I needed to finish our story. I needed to thank you, because I think I would have ended up on the streets. By the way, this is my son, Bo."

At that point, both Rosemary and Tony made small talk with Bo. They really didn't respond to what Alex had told them. Rosemary reached under the counter and found a stack of small cups and proceeded to hand them to Bo, who took them and shimmied down, out of Alex's arms. He went to the nearest table and started pulling the cups apart, building what looked like the beginning of a sand castle made of cups. Rosemary was delighted with him but neither she nor Tony had responded to what Alex had said.

"Are you looking for your old job back?" Tony asked.

"Oh no! I'm just finishing school. I'm an X-ray technician now. I really came to thank you and to explain."

"What you said makes no sense to me!" That was Rosemary's only comment.

Tony chimed in, "Yeah, Alex. I'm not one to believe that word you said...transgender? No, I don't believe that."

"That's okay," Alex responded. It was close to what they had expected to hear. "Just accept my apology for not being honest with you sooner, and my gratitude for how you helped me."

Then they called to Bo, "Come on, Bo, time to head home. Bo sadly started to leave the cups behind, but Rosemary gathered them up into the stack and said, "Here, honey, take these with you."

"Look Dama!" Bo exclaimed. "The lady gave me all these cups! Can I take them?"

"Dama?" Rosemary asked.

"Yes, that's what he calls me. For now, I am both his dad and his mom, but one day, I'll be Dad."

Both Rosemary and Tony shook their heads at that statement, and Alex scooped up Bo and walked out the door, cups and all. Mission accomplished, even if neither of them had really accepted a word Alex said. They put Bo back in the stroller and began the long walk home, with way more energy than on the trip there. As they walked away, Rosemary ran out the door, calling, "Alex, Alex!"

Alex stopped pushing the stroller as Rosemary caught up to them.

"Look, Alex," Rosemary breathed more heavily from the sprint she had just run. "We've talked a lot about you since we made you leave. You have no idea."

Alex was surprised to hear that.

"We didn't feel we had treated you fairly. I reacted in the moment and regretted that. Now you've come into the store, with this gorgeous boy. And you dropped another bombshell. Transgender? What is that?"

Alex just looked at Rosemary, not knowing how to respond. But Rosemary wasn't just looking for an answer. She had more to say.

"Clearly, there's a lot of good in you. Clearly, you've been treated poorly, and we added to that, even though we had the opportunity to help you. I want to learn more about what this transgender thing means. I want to part as friends. I want you to visit us again."

Finally, Rosemary stopped talking. She had sincerity in her voice and tears glistened in her eyes. Alex felt even better than they had a few short moments before, when the weight of not having closure with Tony and Rosemary had vanished. Now Rosemary opened another door. She wanted to know more about Alex, and Alex was more than willing to oblige.

"That's really cool, Rosemary. I actually came here to have a better end to our relationship – but now you've gone beyond my dreams. I want you and Tony to come to my graduation party. You'll meet many people that have helped me after I left here. You'll meet LGBTQ+ friends of mine. And you'll meet my pastor, who is also a lesbian."

Rosemary's face registered shock at that. "It's okay, Rosemary. They're all good people, really good people. I'll stop by with the address, and maybe you and Tony will come." Rosemary asked the date, and gave Alex a little hug before she turned back to the pizza shop.

"Please come again, Alex!"

And both of them continued to walk in opposite directions, with Alex smiling, and Bo trying to keep the cups in the stroller as he began counting them.

The feeling of optimism that Alex felt was overwhelming. As they walked, they began imagining what the graduation celebration might look like. It would be at Marshall and Bob's, which they knew was a big house, but they'd never been there. They pictured a sunny day with lots of food – they'd heard a lot about Bob's cooking skills from Mara, Andrea, and Lily. They'd all be there, and Juanita, too. The walk home went by much more quickly than the walk there.

