It is time to find out
who will be tonight's
Unexpected Star of the show!
Oh.
Very exciting tonight.
This is Stuart.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
He is originally from Manchester.
He now lives in London,
and he is actually a pilot
for British Airways.
CHEERING
Oh, he's a very dashing pilot.
He thinks he's coming
to a fear of flying course,
which he's actually helping run,
and that is just around the corner
from this theatre.
And we can now go to it live.
That's Stuart in the middle.
That's happening right now.
That is happening just yards
from the back of this theatre,
and he has no idea
what's in store for him.
He is going to be taken
into an aeroplane.
We have a fuselage of an aeroplane.
He is going to get in it.
He's going to sit alone in the
aeroplane, on this very stage,
then the front will fall down and
he'll be sitting there
in front of all of you,
to have the biggest surprise
of his life!
It's been his dream to sing
on a West End stage.
Tonight, his dream is
going to come true.
And my dream is that it works, OK?
So, Stuart's biggest fans
are, of course, his family.
They've nominated him. They're here
in the audience tonight.
So let's find out
a little bit more about Stuart
before we bring him up.
Down here we have
Alan, Sue and Brenda.
OK.
Now, Brenda, you're Stuart's
grandmother, is that right?
Yes. Have you come from Manchester?
Yes.
Are you excited? Oh, I am.
Nervous?
Apparently, you've come to this very
theatre with Stuart, is that right?
Yes, yes.
What did you come to see?
42nd Street.
And did Stuart enjoy
the performance?
He said, "I've always wanted
to sing on this stage,
"and it would be a dream for me."
Oh, God.
That is wonderful.
You've heard him sing before?
Oh, yes, yes.
And how did that start, Mum?
He started when he was about
18 year old in our local pub.
Right. Singing away in karaoke, but
he was working in the pub as well,
and the landlady said, "I'd like you
to do a show in the pub,"
and it just excelled from there.
You're much more northern than Nan.
What's happened, Nan?
Have you been watching too much
Downton Abbey, Nan? What's happened?
POSH ACCENT: "I came with Stuart
to this theatre several times
"to watch 42nd Street."
What about you, Mum?
EXAGGERATED NORTHERN ACCENT:
"Well, he did karaoke when he were
about 18.
"And from then, it just
blossomed, you know."
So, how do you think
he's going to react, Nan?
He will definitely
be surprised, believe me.
Well, thank you so, so,
so much for nominating him.
Brenda, Sue and Alan!
There we are.
It's Stuart's family.
OK.
So, here is the aeroplane.
I know this doesn't look very much
like an aeroplane at the moment
from the outside, but wait till
you see what it's like inside.
So, I'm going to show
you inside now.
So, here we go.
Can you see me?
Amazing! OK.
All right. What's going to happen
is that Stuart is having his
talk outside,
he's going to be walked through.
They're going to tell him
that they are taking him
through to this simulator to test
turbulence in an actual fuselage
of an aeroplane. So we go...
You won't even believe this.
So, in we go,
through into the actual plane.
Just check this out.
So this is an actual plane
and everything is as you would hope.
This is where Stuart's going to sit.
He will strap up, awaiting
the turbulence,
which will never come
because this will collapse.
So, here we go.
You've probably all been
in this situation before.
There's always a little trouble
as to find which is your seat belt.
Various seat belts.
Then I normally have
to go all the way.
I don't know about you.
I will take this
to its absolute maximum.
Give me a little bit of room.
That pops in there,
nice and relaxed.
And then rude people,
as soon as the sign's off,
they will immediately recline.
You know who you are.
As soon as the sign's off,
they will just go,
"Right, that's me."
But just so you know,
the person sitting behind you is
staring at the back of your head,
complaining to the whole row,
"Look at this guy,
look at this rude recliner."
Because the more polite of us -
and you also know who you are
and I count myself among them -
you do it in increments.
Just every sort of ten minutes,
slowly, just a little bit...
And then there you are,
after 40 to 50 minutes,
they're behind you going,
"How the hell did you do that?"
Yes, that's the idea,
slow incremental reclining.
Then you've got your blanket,
if it gets chilly,
shoes tend to go off.
Always a little bit embarrassing.
So, they always say, "Leave your
seat belt on," don't they?
They say, "Leave it on
in case of turbulence,"
so you have to leave your seat belt
on, then the blanket goes there,
then you try and sleep,
but then sometimes the stewardess...
There's turbulence,
the stewardess comes around,
she says, "Excuse me, sir,
is your seat belt on?"
And it's a very awkward moment
when you have to lift
and direct her...
"Yes."
A very awkward moment
I'm sure we've all been through.
So, you've got all the things here,
the armrests move,
the tray comes down,
we've even got food here,
which we can go through,
which is absolutely revolting.
The hardest...
The hardest bread you will ever get
in the world.
And then, of course,
they come down and go,
"Would you like the
chicken or the fish?
"Chicken or the fish, sir?
We've got chicken or fish."
Then you go, "Oh, I think
I'll have the chicken."
They go, "We're out of chicken."
"All right.
Thanks for offering the chicken."
So, as you all know, for takeoff,
they always tell you to put
the blind up.
Sometimes you're about to take off,
everything's fine,
and they go, "Excuse me, sir.
Could you just pop your blind up?
"We need all the blinds up
for takeoff." Really?
This blind is linked
to the engine of the plane, is it?
Is the captain up there going,
"Something seems to be wrong,
"have you checked all the blinds?
Have you checked all the blinds?
"32B, check with 32B.
"Whoa, that's better!
"Close one!"
All right.
So, this is where he'll come...
Ah, seat belt's on.
That's another thing that happens.
When it ends, when the plane...
Because it's a race, isn't it,
to get off the plane? It's a race.
You pretend you're not racing,
don't you?
You look around, as soon as
you get there, looking around.
They always go, "Welcome to such and
such. We've arrived.
"Please wait for the
seat belt sign to go off."
But everybody is waiting.
They might as well say,
"On your marks, get set...
"go!"
So, that is it.
That is our incredibly
accurate plane.
So, this is our arrivals board.
And in it, we can hopefully
see the room next door.
So, there's Stuart there,
chatting away.
Oh, he's very good at passing
that board to the next pilot.
You know, there's only
two pilots to fly a plane.
We need three to give this course
for six people.
So, that is the talk
going on at the moment...
ALL: Turbulence is uncomfortable,
but not dangerous.
Close your eyes, everybody.
Say it again. Don't look.
ALL: Turbulence is uncomfortable,
but not dangerous.
In that room, we have some actors,
of course, because none of this
is real, and I can actually
communicate with those actors
and we'll see how Stuart reacts.
So, this lady is called Donna
and I'm going to ask Donna...
Donna, if you can hear me,
make a noise like an
airport announcement and say,
"Captain Stuart,
Donna has a question."
Bing bong!
Captain Stuart,
Donna has a question.
Yes, Donna? Go ahead.
I've just backed up my computer
to the Cloud.
So I've just backed up my
computer to the Cloud.
If you fly through it,
will everyone see my personal data?
If you fly through it,
will everyone see my personal data?
No, I think it's just a...
It's like a pseudo kind of thing,
isn't it, the Cloud?
It's just to say it's up there.
I'm not quite sure.
Just say, "Can I have your number,
just in case I think
"of any questions later?"
Can I get your number?
So if I have any questions later,
I can just...
As long as they're flying related.
OK. Just go, "Bing bong,
no further questions."
Bing bong! No further questions.
OK. Now, ladies and gentlemen,
outside this fear of flying course,
we have Graham,
the very nervous flyer.
Head on in, Graham.
Just say, "I'm sorry I'm late."
I'm sorry I'm late.
"I couldn't find a place to park."
I couldn't find a place to park.
"So I've been circling
"for half an hour."
I've been circling for half an hour.
Where did you get your outfit?
I'm very, very nervous.
I got all this on eBay.
Do you want to get a drink?
Do you want some water?
"Can I get ice and a slice, please?"
Yes, please.
An ice and a slice, please.
Could you move up a bit?
I need to sit on the aisle.
Put your case up. Don't worry.
You haven't missed much.
All right, sit down.
Do your belt up.
Are you all right?
Just take a minute and relax.
OK, all right.
OK, so we were talking
about jet streams...
Graham, could you just say,
"Where are the emergency exits?"
Where are the emergency exits?
Behind you.
Donna, can you say,
"Under what circumstances
"would you need a life jacket?"
Under what circumstances
would you need a life jacket?
If we are in a ditching scenario...
"What is ditching?"
What's ditching?
It's called ditching
where we have to prepare
the aircraft for a landing on water.
But what if there's no water?
Then we don't need life jackets.
Graham, say,
"Is ditching an emergency?"
Is ditching...? Is it an emergency?
Yes. OK. Inflate your life jacket.
LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It works!
Graham, say, "Sorry, I didn't know
it was going to do that."
Sorry, I didn't know
it was going to do that.
I think we took that as far
as it could go.
OK. Let's bring him up.
Two, three, four.
And in two, three, four...
Sorry...
I've got the plane up and running.
Oh, great. Who can I grab, just to
have a look at the service levels?
We'll keep Steve because
the next bit's really important.
Stu, would you mind doing that?
Yeah.
Just check it out for us, yeah.
Sorry to disturb.
OK. Here we go.
Great... The next time we see
Stuart, he'll be with us.
And then the guys have just
been doing it all day today,
getting it all up and running.
Have a look at this.
What do you think?
What is it in? A vehicle?
It's in a massive warehouse,
so this is just a little bit.
So, I just want to check
the settings, the turbulence.
If you just want to sit
in there for me...
That's amazing, isn't it? Yeah.
Put your seat belt on, because I
just want to set the levels.
Fantastic. Yeah.
Very good. I'll be back
in one minute.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, Stu!
How are you?
We're all here for you.
Come on, Stu!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Stuart Beech!
There's your mum and your dad.
There's Nan!
Unbelievable.
Stuart... Yes?
..you seem very much in shock.
This...
I am in shock.
..is Michael McIntyre's Big Show.
You are here because you've
been nominated by your family.
You are not here for
a fear of flying course. Hello!
You have no idea where
you are right now, do you?
You have been in
this theatre before.
It's the Palladium, isn't it?
It is not the Palladium.
The Lyceum, I mean.
No, it's not the Lyceum.
Keep going.
Various London...
We are in central London,
you know that.
You came here with Brenda, your nan.
Oh, it's Theatre Royal.
It is.
You're in the Theatre Royal.
Amazing. Yeah!
You are standing on the stage.
Yes.
Now, you've dreamed of
standing on the stage. Yes.
Well, your family think
you're an amazing singer,
you are here to be
the Unexpected Star...
Good lord. ..of tonight's show.
You have until the end of the show,
we are going to take you backstage,
we've got a whole huge performance
that's set up for you. Wow.
You're going to close
tonight's show.
This will be not only for the
2,500 people here tonight,
but the millions
watching at home.
But... Right. ..you must know that
each and every one of us here
are so behind you
and willing you to do well.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Oh, you're very sweet.
OK. So, I have to ask
you if you will be our
Unexpected Star of tonight's show.
It would be an honour. Yes.
Oh, very, very sweet. OK.
So, if you'd like to come over here,
this is actually your outfit
for later. I've got you a few
toiletries, so if you take that.
Also, of course, everybody
in the room you were just in,
you can see there,
they are all, of course, actors,
none of those people are real.
So, as you've forced us
so many times to do it,
will you perform the most
unnecessary of all walks
and please slowly make your way
all the way,
and someone will meet you?
Ladies and gentlemen, it's our
Unexpected Star
of tonight's show, Stuart Beech!
Thank you so, so much.
Off you go.
TANNOY: Stuart Beech
to rehearsal room,
Stuart Beech to rehearsal room.
Final call for Stuart Beech.
Please report to rehearsal room.
Final call for Stuart Beech.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
That was brilliant.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome our
Unexpected Star of tonight's show,
it's Stuart.
# To dream the impossible dream
# To fight the unbeatable foe
# To bear with unbearable sorrow
# And to run where the brave
dare not go
# This is my quest
# To follow that star
# No matter how hopeless
# No matter how far
# To fight for the right
# Without question or pause
# To be willing to march into hell
for a heavenly cause
# And I know
# That I'll always be true
# In this glorious quest
# And the world
# Will be better than this
# That one man
# Scorned and covered with scars
# Still strove
# With his last ounce of courage
# And to reach
# The unreachable
# The unreachable
# The unreachable
# Star
# And I only dream
# The impossible dream
# And, yes, I will reach
# The unreachable
# Star. #
Thank you very much.
