 
### Conversations With My Childhood Self  
A Japanese Girl's Life

Daniel Hanrahan & Teruyo Hanrahan

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2013 Daniel Hanrahan & Teruyo Hanrahan

Smashwords Edition, License Notes.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the work of this author.

Table of Contents

Story Outline  
Introduction to the Family  
Banana in the Beauty Parlor  
Toilet Training was Parent Training  
Mum's Beating, Heard From Under the Covers  
Mum Leaving Home (Without Me)  
"I'll Catch Poverty if I Hold Your Hand!"  
Picking Up Drunk Father, Aged 5  
School Bag was an Old Wooden Paint Box  
The 'Evil' Lady Teacher  
The Same Life as My Mother? (Girls Don't Need to Study)  
Mum Always an Underdog, Dad Always in Underwear  
American Top 40  
Religion, Church, and Mind Control  
Imagining John Lennon  
Joined in Matrimony by Split Personality  
About Terri

* * * *

Me (left) aged eight, with parents and brothers

* * * *

Story Outline

This is the true story of Terri Yamaguchi, a Japanese girl growing up in a poor family during the 1970s and '80s. Each childhood episode is followed by fictional discussions between the girl and her adult self, talking about the painful events of that day.

After a description of each childhood episode concludes, the adult self from 2012 communicates via meditation with the girl, who is sleeping and in a dream state. By using her adult perspective, along with spiritual and metaphysical beliefs, Terri is able to console, encourage, and provide explanations for her childhood self in an effort to help her through difficult times.

This not only creates a healing effect for the girl in the past, but the healing of the child transcends time and simultaneously heals the adult.

* * * *

1

Introduction to the Family

My name is Teruyo Hanrahan (née Yamaguchi), or Terri for short. I was born in 1966, the eldest daughter in a family of five children (two girls and three boys), with the youngest girl being born fourteen years after me. We lived in the town of Kurokami in Sasebo, about two hours drive from the city of Nagasaki, and also the location of a U.S. naval base set up after the Second World War. Although the population of Sasebo is large, the physical size in area is equivalent to that of a town in Western countries. And being located at the bottom edge of the Japanese mainland, I always had the sense of being in a somewhat isolated corner of the world, almost as if I was living in a country town.

We were very poor, which also added to the sense of isolation, and lived in a government subsidised block of apartments. (I was shocked later in life to hear my supervisor at the bank where I worked describe our apartment blocks as the "slums of Kurokami". I didn't know it was seen as that bad). These apartments are nothing like the apartments you would imagine in western countries. It's more accurate to call it a 'room', because that's all it was. One room with a separate small kitchen, toilet and bath (actually, up until I was five years old we didn't even have a bath), a small veranda, and a small area for shoes at the entrance.

The one room where we spent all our time, and all slept together on the floor, was about 3x10 metres (10x33 feet), plus a sliding door cupboard at one end where the futons (thin Japanese mattresses) were placed during the day. This 3x10 metre space was then made even smaller by a couple of chests of drawers along the wall, a TV at one end, and a small table. Being Japanese, we all lived on the floor, so there were no chairs or sofas, etc. The kitchen was only big enough for two people to be in at once, and my mother would often keep pots of food on the floor. Basically once you had entered the apartment, no further movement was possible except to sit down on the floor. However, this is where I spent the first twenty-three years of my life.

The reason we were poor was twofold. Almost everyone in Japan was destitute after the war until about the late 1950s. But on the other hand, my parents were both hairdressers and this was not an occupation that benefitted from the huge economic expansion in Japan during the 1960s and '70s. In addition to this, my father was the type of barber who would try to force his own personal hair style preference on people, whereas most barber shop customers stubbornly seem to want their hair to look the way they personally would like it to look. (It's also possible that my father only knew how to do one hair style - a basic military short back and sides.) So naturally there weren't many customers to provide much of an income, and on top of that my mother had to stop working after my younger brother was born. In those days there was no such thing as child-minding, and they couldn't have afforded it even if there was.

* * * *

**I** was quiet and shy, very obedient and would never talk-back. Questioning what I was told was a concept I didn't even think of. This was largely typical of Japanese society, it being very vertically oriented and punishing of individualistic behaviour (fortunately this has changed a lot in the last twenty years). But I had a fear of disobeying that was even stronger than just the cultural norm.

From the time I became aware of it, I always wished we weren't poor, and often found it embarrassing. Things that would be unthinkable for a normal family are unavoidable when you are poor. Even when I had the measles, taking time off work was unimaginable for my mother, and so I was taken to school where I sat in my regular seat, wrapped up in a blanket, not with a high fever but with a high dose of embarrassment. For poor working people, school is often necessary simply as a child-minding service more than as a place for receiving an education.

As is typical with Japanese families, no tender emotions were expressed, but as this was normal across the society it was never missed. I mainly just wanted to get along with everyone, and simply wanted people to be fair and kind. If they could have just managed to do that simple thing, I would have had no problems.

**My mother** was also completely obedient, and if I am to be honest, I'd have to say she was not very intelligent or educated. Not that that was her fault, of course. She was a product of the times she was brought up in. Being born in 1935, her early youth was spent in wartime Japan, and then her childhood came to an end during the economic desert of the post-war years. Perhaps symbolic of her destiny to have a life controlled by others, is the fact that her official birthday is not her real one. Her parents failed to register the birth within the time limit, and the registry office said it was now too late, so her official birth date was simply 'shifted' to a more convenient one for the paperwork.

She did manage to acquire one skill of her own choosing though, and that was hairdressing. She even managed to open her own hairdresser shop in Nagasaki, and do quite well with it. Unfortunately, this didn't impress her mother who was almost having a nervous breakdown about the fact that her daughter was thirty years old and still unmarried. If Mum had been born in a different time and place, maybe she could have ignored her own mother's plight, but in Japan at that time obedience was paramount, and so she bowed to the pressure of fulfilling her duty as a daughter rather than following her own dream.

This meant that basically her life now had only one path, and she would have little control over it. Find a husband, or if you didn't find one you would be arranged with one; have children; do the housework; if you were poor also work outside the home; do what your husband wants you to do and what your children need you to do; and make sure if you have daughters that they are also eventually married off. So that's what became of her life. From my point of view it seemed pretty miserable, and I often felt sorry for her. To her credit, she did keep at her dream as long as possible, eventually only quitting the hairdresser business after my younger brother was born. But after that, her only real solace was in her religion. This also required obedience, not to mention financial donations, but promised good things if you lived what it considered to be the 'good life'.

Mum passed away in 2007, and in what she knew were to be her final months, obviously decided there was no need to be so subservient anymore, and became freely critical and demanding of those around her - which was a wonderful thing to finally see and hear.

**My father** , and again if I am to be honest, was basically an undesirable presence in my life, and in the house. He also was not intelligent, educated, or skilled, but frustratingly, despite those qualities, he was the un-elected, self-appointed boss. And he would get drunk every night. Also, though I don't know if this has any relevance or not, his parents were cousins. (Scientists now say that the myths and risks of marrying a cousin have been grossly overstated, but I can't help wondering...)

He was usually complaining, often angry, mostly unfair, basically irrational, occasionally threatening, sometimes embarrassing, constantly demanding, and always unpredictable when drinking. The drinking would usually begin every night from the time he sat down to dinner, and by the time the rest of us were ready to sleep he was at full intoxication. This was bad enough for us kids, but we could ignore him since we didn't usually talk to him anyway. But my mother had to stay awake and pretend to listen to his conversation until he decided he was ready to sleep. It was her job to clear the table, but she couldn't do that until he had finished using it. Plus the table occupied the space on the floor where my mother slept, so often while still sitting upright listening to her husband carrying on, her head would be continually drifting off to sleep. Many times my father, after he had finished his drunken grievances for the night, would wake her up saying, "Hey wake up! Aren't you going to clean and put away the table?". (Speaking of that table, he once picked it up and threw it off the veranda for some reason).

In his defense, I would say that being poor would cause a lot of stress for the one who has the main responsibility to bring in an income. Of course different people would each handle this differently, but my father felt the pressure to constantly penny-pinch. Rather than buy normal bread, we used to only get a ten cent bag of bread crusts from the bakery. He even used to change the date on my brothers' bus passes with a pen, rather than buy a new one. (The poor things must have been scared of getting 'busted' every time they climbed the bus steps.) When I was young he had a paper delivery job, but quit after seeing a ghost in the graveyard that his route used to go past. Given his tightness with money, it must have been quite a fright to cause him to give up that income. Later in life my father's own brothers would accuse him of taking more than his fair share of their mother's inheritance, and although I don't know the truth of this, I can't deny the possibility given his personality.

Speaking of which, he even took more than his fair share of my money too. One of his sayings was, "My money is my money, and your money is my money". A combination of his persistent nagging, and my inability to withstand it, led to me having to repay a $3000 loan from my father twice! Whether he had truly forgotten that I'd already repaid it, or he was pretending not to remember, I don't know. But he wouldn't believe me and wouldn't let the matter drop, constantly reminding me at every opportunity. I eventually gave in and decided it was worth another $3000 just to get him to shut up.

However, if I had to list his good qualities I'd say he could sometimes express deep emotions, would be loyal as a friend, and liked Elvis Presley music. Much later in life, as often seems to happen with people like that, he became a lot milder, less volatile, less demanding, more agreeable etc. Probably the reason for this is that as their children start to leave and move far away from home, the loneliness that will constitute the rest of their life becomes apparent. The youngest child, my sister who was born in 1980, had a very different experience of my father than the rest of us. She was spoilt a little, and could get away with a superior tone when talking to him. She still often rolled her eyes at him, and usually found him embarrassing, but he wasn't the object of fear that he was for me and my brother. And later in life he had a comical side \- at least comical for people outside the family. My husband and children would laugh at his weird English phrases learnt at the U.S. naval base barber shop (two of which were "Okay let's go next time sing song" and "I dunno, what-a-never, never happen"), and also his unusually loud hiccup pronounced "Ho!", that would make heads turn in public.

Dad passed away in 2008, just about a year and four months after Mum died. My sister, the youngest child of the family, had already moved out of home and Dad was now living near Tokyo with my second-youngest brother. This sudden change and imposition late in life must have been uncomfortable, and as with many men who suddenly find that they've become a widower in their old age, he perhaps felt very little continued desire or enthusiasm for life.

**My brother** , Ichiro, featured in many of my life events. He is two years younger than me, but still remembered a lot of events that I had forgotten. Being born the eldest boy in a Japanese family, he had a different role to me. He didn't really have to help much with the housework as I did. The eldest son was just expected to look after the parents when they got older. Given that fact, you'd think the parents would be extra nice to the eldest son. But even today Ichiro still has a strong resentment towards both of them. The resentment towards my father is based on the same reasons as mine, but when he was about fifteen years old he was sent away to live at the temple run by the church my parents attended. This decision was made by both my mother and father, even though they knew the people running the temple were strict, and from my brother's point of view they were not just strict, but also mean and devious.

My main memories of Ichiro are when he was aged about six, throwing a knife that just missed and hit the wall beside me, and also often wanting to wear my dresses when he was three or four years old. Actually, this 'cross-dressing' period caused him to be mentioned on the local TV news. Ichiro had gone missing, and my parents contacted the police who began a search for him. Considerable time had passed and he still wasn't found. We saw on the local TV news a report that police had found a child, but it was a little girl and so we paid no attention. Of course, this later turned out to be our Ichiro, who the police had thought was a girl because he was wearing one of my dresses.

Perhaps because of our similar childhood traumas, Ichiro also grew up to have a strong interest in spirituality and metaphysics as I do.

* * * *

2

Banana in the Beauty Parlor

My earliest memory is perhaps the only good memory of my childhood. Not that my whole childhood was necessarily as tragic as that sounds. I'm sure there were all the regular, fun things that go through a child's mind on a daily basis - food, TV, playing with other kids, and so on. However, they don't feature in the events that come to mind when I remember my childhood, and for some reason my first memory isn't even of my parents or family, but of a complete stranger.

This event, which even now still fills me with such a warm feeling when I remember it, occurred when I was only one year old. One of the young ladies that worked at my mother's hairdresser shop - or beauty parlor as they were called in the '60s - was eating a banana. I must have been looking expectantly as she ate it because she came over to give me some. But the reason this event had such impact is that before she brought the banana to me, I saw that she took the soft, bad, brown area that bananas often have and ate that herself, leaving a clean fresh banana for me. Even as the infant that I was, I experienced for the first time and quite strongly, such a feeling of kindness and consideration for others that the memory has remained with me forever. It also became the template in my mind for how things should be between people, and thus a huge contrast for the later events devoid of kindness and consideration that were to follow.

This contrast between good & bad, give & take that were present in that banana and in that interaction with the young lady, became a theme of my life. Unfortunately, after that time many of the adults seemed to take all the good parts for themselves and leave me with the bad.

* * * *

3

Toilet Training was Parent Training

A new mother plus a new baby is a difficult combination. Nowadays there's a lot more information and assistance available, but in 1966/67 Japan, in our town of Kurokami, my mother and I were on our own. It was a case of my mother not knowing what to do, but knowing that something had to be done, and me not knowing anything 'had' to be done at all. So we were left to fend for ourselves, but unable to communicate.

When I was about one and a half years old, and had moved from diapers into training pants, my mother (who never seemed to know exactly how to do things correctly) for some reason had the idea that it was necessary to spank me every time I wet my pants. This was supposed to 'train me out' of the training pants. Whether this was the method in those days, or if she'd heard it from someone else, or if it was her own idea I don't know, but at the young age of one and a half years old this was very traumatic for me, and I certainly didn't know what was happening or why. I only knew that for some reason my mother was angry and was hitting me - something she'd never done before. So with no understanding or explanation I was left to wonder, "Why is she angry?", "What did I do wrong?", "Doesn't Mum like me anymore?".

Although many years later when I was an adult my mother did apologise to me, it's remained as a strong painful memory in my mind.

First Conversation With My Childhood Self:

The Process of Connecting:

I begin to meditate, sitting in a lotus position on the edge of my bed, using a pillow for support. After a few minutes, I feel that I have reached a deep, trance-like, yet highly energetic level of consciousness. It's a feeling of powerful 'potential energy'. However, perhaps the word 'deep' is not accurate, because it's not a sense of going further within the body or the head, but of expanding beyond the body and above the head. It feels like the edge of your self-awareness, which normally ends at your body and limbs, has been extended to now include the outside environment within your own identity. My immediate environment is longer something that is 'outside' of me, but it now IS me. And I AM it.

At this point, I now focus on my desired destination. I want to connect with myself when I was a child, on the day that a particular event happened. In order to create this connection, I visualise her asleep in her bed on the night of the particular event that I wish to talk about. The reason for this visualisation is that I need to connect with my childhood self while she is asleep and dreaming, in order for her to also be at a level of consciousness where we can make a 'telempathic' (telepathic + empathetic) connection. In the dream state she exists at a level between her 'human physical self' and her 'higher non-physical self', where language is irrelevant and age is no barrier to communication, because all exchanges happen via pure feeling and direct awareness. During meditation, when I am able to match her vibration via the visualisation, we 'connect' like two transceivers on the same frequency, and are then able to exchange our feelings and emotions.

* * * *

Hello?... Terri?... Terri Yamaguchi?... Are you there?... Are you dreaming?

Huh?... Yes, I'm asleep and dreaming. But... who are you?

Oh my God, it works! What the...? I can't believe it!... Really?... I knew it could be done, and yet I can't believe it myself now that it's happening. This is magical. Oh my God, this is incredible... Hello! How are you?

Hello. How are you... and who are you? What's happening?

Oh, I'm sorry. I don't mean to shock you, but... Well, this might sound strange, but I guess there's no gradual way to say it, so I'll just say it straight out. Okay?

Okay.

Well... I am you. I am the future you. I am Terri Yamaguchi, the same as you. I am the person you will become when you are much older. Even older than your Mum is now.

Huh? You are me? But I am here now. You can't be me. What do you mean?

I am talking to you from the future. I am the future you. Your future and your present time both exist together, and so you and I also exist together.

Future and present exist together? Do you mean at the same time?

Yes, but 'time' as you know it doesn't really exist. You perceive it, and experience it, but it doesn't really exist in the way you think of it. That is, there's no actual timeline where things happen and then go away, and are then replaced by new things, and so on. Everything already exists together, and never goes away.

But hang on. Even if that's true, how come we can even talk at all? I can't talk with other people. I'm only a one year old child.

Well, we aren't really talking the way humans normally talk. We aren't using words - we are using feelings. I can send you my feelings and I can also understand your feelings. Speaking with words is a less refined form of communication than sharing feelings. So even though you are an infant and cannot yet speak a complex language, you still are able to have complex feelings which I can receive and interpret. Also, because you are dreaming and I am meditating, we are at a higher level of consciousness than your normal waking state, so you are also capable of understanding more complex ideas than during your regular daytime existence. I know this is all very sudden for you, but does that sort of make sense?

No, not really. I don't know. Maybe. A bit I guess.

That's good. Don't worry too much about it for now. I'll explain more later. But it's precisely because you are still very young that you are able to do this easily. As you get older you will depend on words much more and lose this ability to communicate with thoughts and feelings. But here in your dreams while you're asleep you can always do it.

Hmm... Well, okay, if you say so. It's still a bit weird all of a sudden.

Yes, of course, it's very weird. But incredibly exciting too! I'm sure it will become fun for you as well. For now though, let me tell you why I'm here. I want to talk to you sometimes about the things that happen to you during the day. I want to explain what happens so you will understand and feel better about it, rather than everything being a mystery and you just suffering alone in silence. Because that's how it was for me when I was young, so I want to make things easier for you while you are still a child. Okay?

Okay. That's good I guess, right? Doesn't sound bad anyway.

Okay, great. Thanks for understanding so quickly. And don't worry - things will become clearer as we go on, and you'll get used to it. But for now, shall we start straight away? I'd like to talk about what happened today.

Today? What?

Well, I know you will remember because I can still remember it too. Let me ask you this. Does your bottom still hurt?

Oh, that. No it doesn't still hurt. But... actually I'm still scared about it. Why did she do that to me?

Well, what if I told you that Mum is scared too?

Mum is scared? Why? What's she scared of?

You.

Me? Mum is scared of me? What? Why?

Because you're her first baby. And she's scared of something going wrong. And she doesn't know what to do. And she's scared of what other people will say if she does something wrong with you.

What could go wrong?

Well, in this case she's afraid that you will always wet your pants and not learn to go to the toilet by yourself. And if that happened it would mean more work for her, and she'd be embarrassed about what other people would think and say.

What other people?

Her husband. Her mother-in-law. Her neighbours. For Mum they are very scary people who judge her, and criticise her, and get angry at her.

What would they say?

That she's a bad mother. That she's stupid. That she's not good at anything. That they can't depend on her to do anything. They can sometimes make her feel worthless, and that's very scary.

Well, she should get angry at them, not me.

Yes that's true, but unfortunately impossible. Not in the society she lives in. At least not at this time. She's a woman born in Japan in 1935, with no money or skills, who has spent her whole life doing what others tell her to do, and knows no other way. For her, the only way to avoid being afraid is to make sure you do what others want you to do.

But, I still don't know why she hit me. Doesn't she like me anymore?

Oh, no, no, no \- of course she still likes you. And in the future she will say sorry for hitting you. But because she can't talk to you yet, she thought the only way was to make you feel afraid as well. She thought if you were afraid of being hit, you would be afraid to wet your pants, and would then learn to go to the toilet yourself. You see? It's the same system that she lives under. Where the only way to avoid something scary is to make sure you do what others want you to do. Unfortunately, she's trying to teach you using the only method she knows.

So she's not angry with me? And I haven't done anything wrong? And she still likes me?

No, no, and yes. She still likes you. That hasn't changed and never will. Of course, she's not really trying to hurt you at all. That's why she hit your bottom and not somewhere else. Humans usually think a bottom being hit or kicked is not so serious. Often it's even laugh-out-loud funny. She's just trying to push you in the right direction, and it won't last long.

Good. Because it's not funny for me! But I'm not worried about it anymore now, so thank you for telling me. Although I am worried about Mum being afraid all the time.

Well, that's very nice of you to be so concerned for her. But don't worry. In fact, you won't actually remember that when you wake up. Your daytime self will just get the general feeling of these talks. I don't want to actually change the things that happen in your life, just make it feel easier for you. Okay?

Oh, okay.

Well, then, I think that's enough for our first time. But that was fun, wasn't it? I'm actually shaking with excitement! On the one hand I can't believe I'm actually doing what we're doing, and yet on the other hand it also feels so... natural, or... 'ultra real', if there is such a word. I don't know. Anyway, was it fun for you?

Yes, I guess it was. Still weird too, though. But I do feel better. Thanks.

You're welcome. That's great. Well, I guess you can go back to sleep now, or to dream. Another adventure awaits you tomorrow, so have a good night.

Okay then. Good night, Terri.

Good night, Terri.

* * * *

4

Mum's Beating, Heard From Under the Covers

This event happened when I was about four years old, and although I don't want to use exaggerated expressions, I do want to fully describe the impact it had on me as a little girl. I would say that the sudden, violent nature of it consumed my whole body and mind with fear for a long time. For a young child it had the impact of an earthquake. A violent event that turns your whole world upside down. The relatively safe world that you previously knew disappeared in an instant, and all you could focus on was just your own personal survival.

I don't remember what the argument was about, or whether my father was drunk at the time. Maybe he wasn't drunk, because I do remember that it was daytime, so perhaps that makes it even worse. But something unusual must have occurred in this particular argument, because all of a sudden I saw my mother being thrown to the floor, which by itself was strange and shocking. But then I saw my father sit astride her stomach, holding her pinned to the floor while he proceeded to slap her face, forehand and backhand, several times.

Exactly how many times, or for how long he hit her I'm not sure, but it was enough time for me and my three year old brother to run to the closet, open it up, pull out one of the blankets, and then hide ourselves under it, our bodies shaking in terror while listening to the sound of the beating continuing. I remember I was afraid that maybe my mother might be killed, but I also thought he might be coming for me next, so my self-survival instincts kept me frozen under the blanket.

Now, as an adult I realise that such things occur in many other families, all around the world, then and now. But this commonness dulls people's minds to the true nature of such an event. When you experience such violence personally, as a five year old child, in your own living room, by your own father to your own mother, then it changes you and your small world forever, and trains you to always be a little frightened whenever he's around.

But there's a part two to this story, and the timing of it couldn't be more absurd. As if a black comedy had created the order of events, it just so happened that the following day was group photo day at the Hotel Matsukura where my mother worked as a maid. And unbelievably she still turned up for work, her face black and blue from the beating, and lined up with the other staff for the photo to be taken (which by itself shows the sense of obligation and complete acceptance of powerlessness to control her life, that she as a poor woman in Japan must have felt).

We still have a copy of that photo. Fortunately it was a large enough group that each individual is sufficiently far away for details to be unclear. But for those of us who knew what had happened, the effects of our father's handiwork the previous day were clearly visible on our poor mother's swollen face.

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hi, Terri. It's me. How are you? Are you able to talk tonight?

Oh, there you are. Yes. I think I was waiting for you to come all day.

What do you mean? I don't think you can remember me or these talks when you're awake during the day.

No I don't. But today I really wanted to talk to someone because Mum wouldn't say anything, and I had a strange feeling that there was someone else I could talk to and I couldn't wait to talk with them, but I didn't know who it was exactly. Just a funny feeling that someone would come to help. It was weird. But once I fell asleep I remembered you.

That's interesting. Maybe over time you will gradually come to remember our talks even when you are not asleep. Or, it could be that when something big and traumatic happens, the emotional shock will create a stronger link to your higher self.

My higher self?

Yes, that's the real you. You don't just exist in the human world. You also exist before you are born into the human world, and also after you die, and when you are asleep. But during the day you don't remember that bigger part of you.

Why not?

Think of it like an actress, or when you are playing a pretend game. The real person forgets their true self so they can see what it's like to be someone else. That's a fun experience for a while. But when they stop pretending they go back to their real self.

Do you mean that the daytime me is like a character I'm playing?

Yes, but while you are a human on earth, your higher self makes you forget completely so that the experience is more real than just pretending.

Hmm...

But what I have been doing for about fifteen years now, is learning how to remember and contact my higher self, even while I'm awake. A lot of people start trying to do this in the future.

Sounds hard. Is it?

Yes, it can be difficult to understand. But actually right now you are one of my teachers. You are helping me learn.

Me?

Yes, because you and I have the same higher self. And it's always connected to both of us. So in order to talk to you, I am going through my higher self, and when you are asleep you are able to do the same. So you could say that when you and I talk, our higher self is talking to itself.

Hmm... I think I sort of get it, but it's still confusing.

Yes. Well, when things are confusing, just leave them for a while and they usually become clearer later by themselves. Anyway, let's leave that for now and talk about today.

Okay.

So, start by telling me what you're feeling about what happened. Just let it all out without thinking about it.

Well... I'm scared. My house is not safe anymore. Mum is in danger, but she doesn't say anything about it. It's like Dad is not one of us anymore. He's like a monster. I don't want him to live with us. If mum is killed who will look after us? Will we have to stay alone with just him? How could he do that to Mum?

Well, let me help you first by saying that it won't ever happen again. At least as far as I remember. So you won't ever have to see that again.

Really? Is that true? Never again? So I'm safe then?

Yes, you're safe.

Oh, thank God. What a relief. That's great. I'm so glad to hear that.

Yes, I knew you would be. He will still often act and talk in an aggressive way, especially when he's drunk, and will now and again raise his hand threatening to hit someone. But he never actually does as far as I remember.

That's good to know. That by itself makes me feel a lot better.

Yes. I wanted to tell you that as soon as possible, but first wanted you to express the feelings you had. It helps to get them out.

But I still don't understand why it happened, or why Mum won't say anything about it. Do we all just pretend it didn't happen?

Unfortunately yes, that's what happens. They don't want to talk about it because she is embarrassed and humiliated, and he is guilty and ashamed. And they think the best way to not feel like that, is to just not talk about it and forget about it. Talking about it makes it real again. That's how most people think, especially in your society.

Okay, but then why did it happen?

Well, that's the big one. I can't tell you what the argument was about because I never found out either. But I can tell you why people get violent. And that's because violence makes them feel powerful again after they have been scared. If something happens that makes people feel afraid, or feel that they have no control, then they feel powerless, and they will sometimes try to get their power back by being violent. Sometimes they are literally trying to smash down the thing that scares them.

But why would Dad be scared of Mum?

In his mind, whatever she said or did must have caused him to feel that he was not in control. Either she disagreed with him, or didn't do what he told her to, or did something he considered to be wrong. As a man and as a father, he considers himself, mistakenly, to be the boss of everyone in the family. But if other people don't also act like he is the boss, then he feels he is losing some power and becomes afraid.

And tries to smash the thing that scares him?

Yes.

So is there no way to stop people like that?

Well, could you get someone bigger to smash them first?

What? Isn't that just doing the same thing? That can't be right.

No? Why not?

Because then it would never end. Don't we have to stop them becoming afraid?

Yes, you're right. Very good. I was sort of 'testing' you. You knew instinctively that there is a better way, didn't you?

Well, it just sounded wrong.

Yes. That's because you are still connected to that which is your REAL power. Remember the higher self that we just talked about?

Yes.

Well, if you have a good connection to your higher self, you don't feel out of control or powerless. You feel confident. When people use violence, they are actually showing that they feel weak or afraid. And feeling weak or afraid is a sign that you have a weak connection to your higher self. If they can be shown that when they are violent they actually appear weak, not strong, and come across as lacking in power rather than being seen as powerful, and also that there is a better, more permanent way to feel in control, then there is hope that they can change.

So the cure is to stop them being afraid by making the connection to their higher self stronger?

Yes. And another thing to keep in mind that will help you deal with such situations, is that anytime something bad like that happens, it means that the angry person is actually afraid of something. You may not be able to change them, or change what happens, but whenever something bad happens, keep in mind that the aggressive person is actually in a pitiful state. Just remember that. After all, it's better for you if you can feel pity for them, or feel sorry for them, rather than feeling angry or afraid of them.

Okay. So how do people make the connection to their higher self stronger?

Actually, by just sitting and doing nothing.

Doing nothing? Is this another test?

No, not really. It's a simple way to describe something called 'meditation'. Basically you sit and quieten the mind and think of nothing, and that silence helps you notice your higher self. And then with repetition over time, it becomes more obvious to you. But we'll talk more about that some other time. You're probably still too young in the human world to be very interested in it really. It's not hard, but you have to want to do it, and usually kids don't feel the need to.

Oh, okay. If you say so.

Well, I guess for now we've probably covered what I wanted to say really. First, that it won't happen again; and then also why it happened; and then how to stop it happening; and then a way to deal with such things if they do happen. Hopefully it's helped you feel better and given you some understanding, rather than it all being a terrible mystery. I know talking with you has helped me. This memory for me was probably the most powerful and disturbing one of my childhood.

Yes it was. I'm not surprised that I will never forget it. I'm so glad it's over. I think I do feel better now though. Thank you.

You're welcome. And thank you too. You're helping me to learn as well you know.

That's good. I'm glad I can help.

So then... are you ready for sleep again?

Yeah, I'm ready. It's been a long day.

Yes, it was. Well, then... Good night, Terri.

Good night, me.

* * * *

5

Mum Leaving Home (Without Me)

Even though my mother appeared to, and probably felt like, she had no hope of changing her situation, there was one time when she must have finally taken more than she could stand, and attempted to take back control of her destiny. When I was about four or five years old, I was with my father at his barber shop, which served as another location for us kids to inhabit, rather than spending all day in the small room that was our apartment. They also had a television there, and when our old TV set from the 1950s was broken, I would beg my father to take me to the shop at night to watch some show I desperately had to see. (It wasn't all good though. I still remember the embarrassment of getting a bath in a tub placed right up against the shop's main window!)

On this day, I suddenly saw my mother walk into the barber shop with my younger brother, Ichiro. She was carrying a large bundle, wrapped in a patterned cloth called a 'furoshiki' in Japanese. (It's similar to the 'bindle' that American homeless people during the 1930s Great Depression would attach to a stick and carry on their shoulders, but in the Japanese case it's larger and carried by hand.) For me, that 'furoshiki' is the most memorable part of this event, and whenever I see that type of cloth it brings me back to this time.

Mum and Dad began to have what seemed to be a serious conversation about something, and then I saw her and my brother suddenly leave again. I don't remember how I knew, but somehow it slowly became clear to me that she must have finally decided to leave my father, and leave our home. And yet, here I was still at the shop. So what was going on? Then it dawned on me. It must mean I was to be left alone with my father. But still, I couldn't believe it. This was too awful! Just the two of us, together? I really, really, didn't want to stay with just him. Why on earth didn't she take me as well? I spent the rest of that day with these feelings, dreading my future as a motherless, only child.

However, after some time had passed, suddenly my mother and Ichiro arrived back to our apartment. Oh God, I was so relieved! The nightmare was over! I was rescued from the hell I had been expecting my life to be from then on. But why had she come back, and so soon? Had she decided to come back for me? Or perhaps she had changed her mind and decided to stay with us after all? Well, as it turned out, neither of those was the case. It was an altogether more pitiful reason, that in the future made me feel more sorry for her than for myself.

She had set off on foot with my brother to her parent's house, but it was a very long way to walk and the going got too tough, and we were so poor that she didn't even have enough money for the one hour bus ride. There weren't even any friends or relatives living closer that she could impose on. Even if there had been, the Japanese sense of embarrassment and reserve would never have allowed her to think of such an imposition on other people. So there was simply no other option but to go back to the place she was determined to leave only a few hours earlier.

The fact that she was willing to attempt to walk a distance equivalent to a one hour bus ride, carrying or dragging along a two year old boy, shows how fed up and determined to leave she must have been. So imagine the humiliation and despair she must have then felt, to realise she had no choice but to go back, and so soon. Such a pitiful, soul destroying situation, to realise that she couldn't even escape if she wanted to. Trapped emotionally, financially, and socially, in a situation that she was so desperate to get away from.

I'm glad that many years later as she recalled these events, she was able to see the 'black comedy', and simply laugh about the irony of finally working up the courage to leave home, and yet having to return the very same day. At least, I hope it was genuine laughter, and not just 'saving face'.

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hi, Terri. Can you hear me?

Yes, I can. Hi, Terri. I'm asleep though. Well, my body is asleep anyway, but I can hear you.

Good. I focus on coming at a late time so I'll catch you when you're sleeping.

Really? How do you do that?

In my meditation, I just focus on an image of you sleeping in your bed on the particular day I want to talk to you about, and that brings my consciousness to that time.

Right. But how are you able to travel from the future into the past to contact me?

Oh, I don't travel through time. The future, present and past all exist together. Time itself doesn't exist - not in the way you think of it anyway. So when I contact you, I'm contacting someone that exists 'right now', at the same moment that I also exist.

That's weird.

Yes, it's not what you're used to. Think of it like this - we're in a big cinema complex with lots of movie theatres. You're in a theatre that's showing a movie about your life in 1972, and I'm in a theatre that's showing a movie about my life in 2012. We are both completely absorbed in the movie and it feels like it's really happening to us. But, both movies are happening together, and our separate experiences are each happening at the same moment. In fact, even the whole movie exists at the same time in the projection room. So when I contact you as we are doing now, it's like we've both left our separate theatres for a while and are meeting in the hallway of the cinema complex.

Hmm... I guess I see what you mean. That's a bit clearer. So would I be able to do that too, then? Could I go and talk to you in the future?

Well... yes... you could try to, I guess. But if you did manage to do it, you wouldn't be the same Terri that I remember being, because I never did that when I was a child. That would be a different version of me as a child, and that Terri would have a different life to the one I had. Still, if you want to try it you can of course. Although, meditation is not usually the sort of thing you are interested in as a child.

Hang on. A 'different version' of me? What do you mean by that?

Well, we all have many different versions of ourselves, each living similar but separate lives in a parallel reality, or sometimes also called a parallel universe.

What?! There are many versions of me?

Yes.

That's weird. Where are they, then? And what's a parallel universe?

Well, this is actually something that even scientists in my time are starting to believe and understand, or at least explore as possible theories of how creation works. A parallel universe is much the same as the universe you live in, but because it vibrates at a different frequency, you can't perceive it. It's like the different channels on a TV or radio. All the channels exist at the same time, but you only experience the one that you are tuned to. At the moment, you are tuned into the life you are living now, but there are billions and billions of other channels that exist in creation. There are many versions of you, and many versions of everyone else, all living in different universes.

I'll have to think about that for a while, I guess. But is that how it really is? Is that how the universe is set up?

Yes. But there's not just the one 'universe' that you usually think of. You could say there's a 'multiverse' of many separate universes.

Hmm... And so, getting back to what you said about me, if I did something different than what you did as a child, I would no longer be the same me?

No, you will always be you. You wouldn't feel that you have suddenly become someone else. But you wouldn't be exactly the same child I was. So when I next make contact with my childhood self, you would not experience that, because you would have become a different version than the child that I was. I will always focus on contacting the same me that I was as a child. But I guess that's getting confusing, huh?

That's for sure. But then again, I think I get a sense of it.

Okay, good. That'll do for now. Let it sink in, and you'll find that it'll make more sense later. So, ready to talk about what happened today?

Yes, okay.

Mum left home, didn't she? That was a shock, hey?

Yes. It was so sudden, and she didn't tell me anything about it.

Well, I don't think it was planned. Something made her suddenly decide to do it at that moment, and you just happened to not be at home at that time.

So what made her do it?

Unfortunately, I don't know either. She did talk about it sometimes later, but didn't tell me what the cause was. How did it make you feel after she had left?

Terrible. I was alone with just Dad. I thought I'd have to live with just him forever. I didn't know if I'd ever see Mum again. I'm glad it only lasted for one day.

Yes. Like a typhoon. What else did you feel?

Well... why couldn't I go with her and Ichiro? Why did I have to stay?

I thought you would probably feel that. After all it's only natural to wonder about that. And yet, I don't remember actually feeling that at the time, which seems unusual. So it's possible I blocked that feeling out. Or suppressed it.

What do you mean?

Sometimes if a feeling is too painful or too sad, you don't want to think about it, and your mind blocks out the memory of it to protect you. But it can still have an affect on you, even though you're not aware of it. Your mind can try to keep protecting you from experiencing such a feeling again, and that can affect your behaviour and thoughts.

So what should you do?

Ideally, try to experience and deal with each feeling you feel at the time they occur. Express them, ask people about them, analyse them, accept them, etc. It's a bit like cleaning a stain straight away, rather than leaving it or covering it up. So that's why I wanted to ask you about it while it's still fresh in your mind. Tell me everything you feel about that.

Well, I'd like to know why she didn't take me. Why she left me behind with Dad. Is Ichiro more important than me? Does she like him more? Did I do something wrong? I hate that she doesn't say anything. She doesn't explain things. And I'm too afraid to ask.

Right... yes, I see. That's good. Well, let me say first of all that it's natural for you to feel that way. Any child would. And she should have explained things to you. She was wrong not to do that. But given that she didn't, and also that she doesn't later on either, I will explain to you what I think happened. Now that I'm an adult, I can make a pretty good guess why she did what she did. Okay?

Okay.

First of all, don't worry that she likes Ichiro more than you. That's not the case, and not the reason she did what she did. I think she just tried to make it as easy as possible for her to leave, because she knew it would be very difficult. She didn't have anywhere else to go except her parent's home, but she knew that was a long way away. And she knew she didn't have any money for a bus, or train, or taxi, so she'd have to walk. But that created a new problem. If it was going to be a long hard walk for her by herself, it would be even harder for two small kids. So she would have first thought of going all by herself, and leaving both Ichiro and you with Dad. But then she'd quickly realise that Dad could never look after both of you, especially Ichiro who is still a toddler. So she'd have to take one of you. And because you are older, and more self-reliant and reliable, you and Dad would perhaps be able to look after each other for a while. So in her desperate state, taking just one child was the best decision to solve her problems and give her the best chance to leave.

But doesn't she know that I would hate to be left with Dad?

I don't think she intended to leave you there for long. It was just a question of money. I'm sure that once she got to her parent's house, she would try and get some money in order to then go back and get you. I definitely KNOW she wouldn't have wanted to live without you. As a mother, I know that wouldn't make sense. Believe me, it was only Dad that she was trying to get away from.

Well, why didn't she tell me that?

Yes, exactly. She should have told you. So what's the reason she didn't? Well, honestly, sometimes I think it's okay to say that a person's behaviour is just plain stupid. Or at least, grossly unaware. It should have been obvious to her that you would be worried and confused. But she was never a great thinker, or planner, or someone who talked about her thoughts. On the other hand, in her defense, I would say that she wasn't in a normal state of mind at that time. She was desperate and in 'survival' mode, and just took the minimum action required to get away.

Yes, I guess I can understand that. And I do often feel sorry for her. Her life seems such a constant struggle.

Yes, good. That's very good of you to say that. I'm glad you can understand. There's really nothing for you to worry about. In fact, apart from that, there is one other possible explanation, though perhaps it's unlikely.

What's that?

Well, it's possible that she always intended to come straight back home anyway. That she was just trying to give Dad a scare, and assert herself for once. She may have already realised that it was just too hard to really leave for good, but at least she could make him think she would. And it would be good to just get away, even if it was for just one day.

Really? So she might have just been pretending to leave? Do you think so?

I don't know if that's what Mum did, but I know that a lot of people do actually do things like that. They reach the end of their rope, and just have to do something to let off steam. They don't plan it, or think it through, but it's a way to relieve their stress and make a bold statement at the same time. So it's possible.

Whatever it was, I hope she got it out of her system.

Well, don't worry. She doesn't do it again.

Good! That's a relief. So umm... I notice you said that you are a mother too?

Oops! Did I? Actually, I didn't want to tell you things in advance about your future. You should just live your life as it happens. But, I guess that's not a big surprise though. Yes, I am a mother. You do have children of your own in the future.

Children? So, more than one then?

Oh my God, I did it again already! I'm hopeless at this secret keeping business, aren't I?

Hahaha, yes. Well, it is hard to keep secrets from yourself I suppose. But I guess you can't tell me any more about them, can you?

No, I'd better not. Best for you to experience the journey as you go.

Yes, I thought so. Okay, I'll be patient.

Thank you. Well... I guess we've covered everything, have we? Shall I let you go back to your dreaming?

Oh, okay then. Well... thanks for the talk. I feel a lot better. I guess I don't really have to worry about anything, do I?

No, you really don't. Even though you are poor, and family life is sometimes tough, compared to most of the world you're still way ahead.

That's good to know, I guess.

Yes. It helps to remember that fact whenever you feel sorry for yourself. Well then, time to let you go, I guess. Have a good sleep.

Okay. Good night, Terri.

Good night, Terri. Pleasant dreams.

* * * *

6

"I'll Catch Poverty if I Hold Your Hand!"

This event was one of those occasions that make you suddenly learn something new about yourself and the other people in your world. Something undesirable that delivers a shock to your little five year old psyche. A shock that, at the time, is big enough to then remain with you all your life.

By the time I was about four, I already knew we were poor. This news had been delivered to me by one of my uncles. He had been visiting us one New Year's Day, and as we were eagerly lined up to receive from him our New Year gift money which is given to children in Japan, he threw in the phrase, "Well, then, do your best everyone, even though you're poor". The joy of receiving money was completely replaced with shock. I felt stunned. "What? Are we poor?", I thought. I knew what the word 'poor' meant, but I didn't think it meant us. Suddenly I had been redefined. (Thinking of this now, it has taught me as an adult not to force definitions on to people, especially children. Let people discover and decide their own identity.)

So, some time after that, maybe a year or so, I was playing outside with the neighbourhood kids, and it must have been some game that required you to hold hands with whoever was next to you. My partner was to be another little girl, younger than me and, as I remember it, with a cute face. Now, all the neighbours in our area were living in the same government subsidised apartment blocks, so technically everyone was poor, but our family was one of the poorest of the poor, and that fact hadn't escaped the attention of the neighbourhood. Strangely enough though, it had escaped mine.

So, I and the younger, cute-faced girl were about to be paired up, and as I put out my hand to hold hers she suddenly said, "I'm not holding your hand. If I hold hands with you I'll catch poverty! ", and quickly pulled her hand away.

"Shut up, you little creep", I said forty-one years later while writing this (no, not really). At the time I didn't say that either, of course. Maybe I should have. But that wasn't my personality. Once again I was just shocked. Stunned. What had just happened? What did she mean? What was she going to catch? Poverty? From me? Isn't everyone here poor? Am I poorer than everyone else? Can you catch poverty from your hands?

Suddenly I was now different. Suddenly I now felt different. Different to everyone else in my group. That's a bad thing anywhere, but especially in Japan. So what happens now, I thought. How do I play with these kids now? Well, unfortunately I don't remember what happened after that, but I must have spent the rest of the day in a bit of a daze. This was a lot of new information I had to process. My world and my place in it had changed again suddenly.

Later as an adult, I realised that the little girl's parents or the other parents in the neighbourhood must have been talking about our family as being poor. Otherwise, would a small child of four years old really notice such a thing? And would a small child create by herself the concept of poverty being contagious? Perhaps, but I can't help thinking that she probably picked up that phrase at home.

Looking back, I wish I'd had the ability at the time to have said, "Well, I better not hold your hand either or else I'll catch prejudice!".

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hi, Terri. Ready for a chat?

Hi future me. Yes, I'm ready.

Do you feel different now after what that girl said today?

Umm... yes, it was a shock I guess. What a weird thing to say.

Yes. Someone suddenly gave you a new definition of yourself.

What does that mean?

Someone else told you 'what you are'. You didn't decide it yourself, or discover it, or choose it. They told you, and you believed them, and in your mind you became what they said. The same thing happened with your uncle, when he said you were all poor.

Oh, I see. Yes. But... it is true, isn't it? We are poor, right?

Compared to who?

Compared to other people. We don't have as much money or things.

Well, it depends who you compare yourself to. Compared to you, there are far more poorer people in the world than richer people.

But I just mean here, in Sasebo. In Japan.

Well, in that case then, yes, you are poor compared to them. But does that matter? Most people in the world would still see you as lucky.

Well, it didn't matter before. I never noticed anything until I was told about it.

So, what other people said has changed how you think of yourself, hasn't it? That's very common, so I'm not saying you're wrong, but realise that your feelings have changed even though your situation is still the same.

Yes. So?

So, can't you just go back to how you used to feel? Wasn't that more enjoyable?

No, because now I know what other people think about us. They will look down on us because we don't have as much money or things.

But there's only really one thing everybody wants. And you can have as much of it as you want, because you make it inside of you. And the richest people in the world sometimes don't have it, and would be jealous of you if you had it.

What's that?

Happiness, of course. Being happy. Simply being happy. Don't you know that's the only reason people want money anyway?

But it's hard to be happy when you don't have things, or can't do things that other people can.

But it's not about 'doing' or 'having', it's about 'being'. Simply 'being' that way. You don't need to 'have' something before you can 'be' something. You don't need to 'do' something before you can 'be' something. You don't need to 'see' something, or even to 'think' something first. You can just 'be' something because you choose to.

Well, I don't know if that's right. Seems backwards.

Yes, in your world and for most people it does seem backwards. That's why everyone is trying to 'do' or 'have' something first, because they think that will then lead to them 'being' the feeling they want. And in many cases they are disappointed. And they get angry because they worked really hard at 'doing' and 'having', and yet it let them down. So, let me tell you the correct order in which things happen.

Okay.

Usually people believe that our various states of being occur in this order: Thinking - Doing - Having - Feeling - Being. For example, someone will think they are poor, will do some work, will have some money, will feel relief, will be happy. But that can be a very long, hard process, because it's not how the universe is designed to be experienced. The universe is designed to be experienced in this order: Being - Feeling - Thinking - Doing - Having. Be happy first, simply because you choose to be. You really can just create that state inside you. Then, being happy will allow you to feel a certain way - calm, excited, playful, adventurous, etc. Next, that feeling will make you think certain thoughts. Those thoughts will then lead to you taking some action - doing something, saying something, going somewhere etc. That action you take will then lead to 'having' something - whether it be having a physical object, having a job, having money, having friends, having good relationships, or some other experience. And because that experience is built on a foundation of happiness to begin with, the experience will also be a happy one.

Well, that's pretty complicated. I sort of understand what you're saying, but I don't think I can remember all that.

Well, you don't have to remember it all. It works by itself. You just have to remember to make the feeling you want to feel first. The other stuff will follow naturally. And pretty soon, what you see in the outside world will also change to match the feeling you made. That's how simple the universe was meant to be.

So, if I'm happy first will I become rich?

If you are happy first, you will be ABUNDANT.

Does that mean a lot of money?

Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. But you won't care which it is. And you can tell people that too, if you want.

Tell who what?

If people tell you that you are poor, or if they look down on you because you are poor, tell them you don't care because you are happy, and that you are always able to be happy. And, that you have an endless supply of 'happy'. They certainly won't feel sorry for you then, or look down on you for that. In many cases they will be jealous of you.

That would be good. So... can you tell me this - in the future am I still poor?

I thought you might ask that. But, I don't want to tell you a lot about the future because then you won't experience it as it happens. That's a bit like telling you how a movie ends, or what's in a birthday present before you open it.

I wouldn't know about that. I don't get any birthday presents.

Oops! That's right. Sorry, I forgot about that. Well... just this once then, and so you don't worry too much, I'll tell you that you aren't still poor in the future.

Yaaay!

But don't feel too bad about being poor now. It allows you to get a lot more satisfaction out of life because you started at such a basic level.

How come?

Well, if you get one dollar you're pretty happy, right? But if a rich kid got one dollar they'd feel disappointed. So in that way, your monetary poorness allows you to have emotional richness. And that becomes a gift for life.

Oh, I like that idea. That sounds good.

Good. I'm glad that's helped. So, do you feel a bit better about what happened, and about yourself?

Yes, I do now, but I guess I'll have to think about and practise these ideas for that feeling to last.

Yes, probably. It's about forming a new habit. A new way to think and behave. Always look for the feeling that feels better. The one from inside you. Not because it covers up the bad feeling, but because it's the true one from your higher self. And, it's the feelings you feel from one moment to the next that actually create the rest of your life, so you want those feelings to be good ones.

Right. I think I get it. But anyway, as you said I don't have to understand the whole process - just do the starting point, right?

That's right. The rest will flow on from there. Okay then... that'll do for now, I guess. Hope it wasn't too long. Are you ready to go back to sleep?

Yes, I'm ready. I think I feel a lot better too, actually. Thanks a lot.

You're welcome. If you feel better, that makes me feel better, too. So... I guess I'll say Good night, then.

Okay. Good night, me.

Good night, you.

* * * *

7

Picking Up Drunk Father, Aged 5

It's not uncommon for girls when they reach puberty to suddenly find their father embarrassing. Even if no one else finds him unusual, at an age when you start to be very self-conscious, what your father does reflects on you as well. So, thirteen or fourteen years after their baby girl was born, many men suddenly find themselves the object of their teenage daughter's scorn.

For me, however, it didn't take as long as that. I was way ahead of other girls in that department. About eight or nine years early in fact. I was only about five when I remember walking down the road with my father, hoping other people wouldn't think we were together, or worse, realise that I was related to him.

This particular day, my father had unusually gone to a friend's house (unusual both that he had gone there, and unusual that he had made a friend). Suddenly, we got a phone call from the friend's wife, saying my father was very drunk and asking for someone to come and pick him up, since he couldn't, and wouldn't, go home by himself. Now, in any normal house this would not be a job given to a five year old girl. But my mother, who took the phone call, obviously couldn't bring herself to go. Either she was too embarrassed to face the other wife, or she was too afraid to meet her husband in that condition. Actually, it's likely both of those applied. Plus, she would have imagined the combination of both embarrassment and fear in the walk home through the neighbourhood with an unpredictable, drunk husband. So, she decided that no, there was no way she was going. The only choice left was to get me and my younger brother Ichiro to go and bring him home.

But Ichiro obviously had a greater sense of self-preservation than I did. Even at four years old, he wasn't as naive or innocent as I was, because whereas I never thought to question a request from my elders, he took off outside like a cat as soon as mum asked us to go, ending his involvement completely (actually it was he who reminded me of this part of the story, some forty-one years later). So, without a further thought, I set off by myself.

Now, everyone can visualise what a drunk person looks, sounds, and acts like. But try to imagine the impact on a little five year old girl, all by herself, looking up at this drunk, adult man, and that man being her father, and it all occurring in front of strangers. Plus, he wasn't a happy drunk either. He was an angry drunk with scary eyes. Barely able to walk in a forward direction, complaining and abusing unknown people for unintelligible reasons. Undesirable to be with, to look at, and to listen to. The moment I arrived I desperately wanted to get away from there.

As we made our way home, a young man approached, obviously thinking that I was the one being told off by my father, and asked if I was okay or needed some help. Unfortunately, I couldn't see this for the kindness it was. For me it was unbearably humiliating to be seen out in public with this drunk person, and for people to think we were related. So, instead of thanking him I just ran away saying, "He's nothing to do with me".

The irony of this event is that there was no real point in me, or anyone, going to pick him up. He still had to walk home himself. There was no way anyone would have held his hand and led him home. And even if he had started wandering off in the wrong direction somewhere, I certainly couldn't have controlled him physically. It was really just the act of someone in his family arriving at the friend's house, that then provided an excuse to get him up and out the door.

I'm tempted to think of my mother as being cowardly in this situation. Sending her five year old daughter on that kind of errand was plainly wrong. And technically, it was her role to apologise to the friends. But it's also possible that she reasoned it was safer for me to go than for her, thinking that my father was less likely to hit me.

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Can you hear me, Terri?

Yes. I was wondering if you would come tonight.

You mean the 'dreaming you' was wondering?

Yes. I don't know about you when I'm awake. I wish I did though.

Well, if you did remember me and our talks, then you would be having a different life to the one I had as a child. I didn't have anyone to talk to. At least no one that could explain things. But I believe our talks do help you subconsciously while you are awake. You should be able to handle the bad things more easily than I did, and the stress shouldn't remain with you as long. Basically, you're more easily able to leave the past behind, which is why this also helps me in the future.

Are you able to stop any bad things happening to me?

No, unfortunately I can't do that. But remember, the 'real' you doesn't want to stop those things. Your higher self has chosen the life you're living and the general situations you find yourself in. The 'real' you wants to experience these things. It's like when you watch a movie that you know will have some bad things, or sad things, or scary things happen in it. You're able to enjoy that because you can stand apart from it and just observe. That's what your higher self does with your life. And that's what I hope to help you do by having these talks. I want to explain things and give you advice that will help you understand why things happen. And so during your waking hours, you will feel an emotional calmness which will enable you to stand apart and just experience the things that happen in your life, without it having a long lasting psychological impact on you.

Oh, okay. I think I get it.

So, rather than remove the hard things that happen, we will use them to make you stronger. That way we can turn them into a useful tool, rather than a permanent bad memory.

Okay, if you say so, I guess.

So, ready to begin today's talk?

Yes, okay. Go ahead.

Well, I remember what happened to you today as being very embarrassing, fairly scary, and also disappointing.

Yes, I hated it. Why should I have to go and get my drunk father? That shouldn't be my job. I didn't want to be seen with him. And why does he get drunk anyway? It doesn't look like fun. It looks terrible. Why would you want to do that?

All very good questions. And you're right. None of those things should happen. Let's start with the drinking question. Getting drunk is a very common thing all around the world, and unfortunately Dad will do it many more times.

Oh, great! That's something to look forward to.

But the good news is that he stopped smoking cigarettes. And we find out in the future that cigarettes do a lot more damage than people realised, not only to the smoker, but to the people around them as well. So, you can be happy you don't have to breathe in a lot of smoke while you're at home.

Okay. Well, I'll try and be thankful for that whenever I see him drunk.

Hahaha, okay. That's good. Now, you said that being drunk looks terrible, but actually the main reason people do it, is because they think it makes them feel better.

Better? Better than what? It looks worse than normal.

Well, they aren't thinking about the outside appearance. They are thinking about how they feel inside. And for them, on the inside, 'normal' feels bad. Usually they feel sad, or scared, or both. But when they get drunk, they either don't feel that way anymore, or they don't care about feeling that way anymore. It makes them feel happy, or strong, or free.

That makes it sound like a good thing then.

Yes, it does sound that way. That's why so many people do it, and why so many people always want others to join them when they're drinking. It seems like a good thing.

But Dad was angry when he was drunk.

He was angry because he felt strong. Invincible even. And so he feels able to express all the anger that he normally is afraid to express. When he is drunk he is no longer afraid of anything.

I'd prefer it if he was afraid rather than angry.

Well, anger comes from fear of course.

I know you told me before what Mum was afraid of, but what's Dad afraid of?

Mainly not having enough money. He has to provide money for the family, but his only skill is cutting hair. However, he secretly realises that he isn't very good at that either. So, he's afraid his customers will stop coming. And then if that happens, the only choice is to do what people call a '3D' job (i.e. Dirty, Dangerous, Difficult). So, he feels no freedom. He feels trapped in a life with no good choices. For a human, in fact for all animals, not feeling free is one of the greatest causes of stress they can experience. And it's a long term stress that is with them all day, every day. So people want to get away from that, even if it's for just a short while. That's why they run to alcohol. It's a refuge.

That makes it sound like a good thing again.

Well, it isn't, of course, because it actually makes things worse. It usually creates more problems, and more things to feel afraid of, and at the same time lessens their ability to deal with those things. And because it's addictive, they find it almost impossible to stop drinking. So it's a vicious cycle, but one which insidiously feels like it provides relief from its own viciousness.

I hope I never drink it.

Well, many people can have just a little bit, and enjoy it for the taste. You do that in the future.

Do I? But I don't get drunk, do I?

No, not really. Maybe once or twice.

Good.

But you have a good friend who does.

Really? What's she like.

She's a happy drunk. She says funny things and makes other people laugh. A couple of times you have trouble getting her home though.

That's alright then. I can put up with that.

But, by an ironic coincidence, her children are also sometimes embarrassed by her being drunk, just like you with Dad.

Well, I guess there's always someone who gets embarrassed by drunk people.

Yes, but that part of today's problem was your responsibility.

What? Mine?

Yes. That embarrassment was a feeling of yours. You created that feeling inside you. Of course, it's perfectly understandable and very common, especially in Japanese society. And Dad certainly made it easy for you to feel embarrassed. But you didn't have to feel like that. There are other ways you could have felt and reacted.

Like what? I couldn't imagine not being embarrassed.

Well, you could laugh, get angry, feel sorry for him, etc. When the young man asked if you needed help, you could have said yes please, and accepted his help. After all, he only felt sorry for you which is nothing to be embarrassed about. He wasn't looking down on you. You would have been perfectly justified in being the 'victim' and asking for help, rather than running away and being embarrassed.

Well, none of those ideas occurred to me. I didn't think about it. It's just what I felt first. If he's part of my family, or if I belong to him, then what he does reflects on me, and makes people see me differently.

Yes. Well... society trains you to feel that way. Everyone belongs to many different groups, and you tend to get your identity from those groups. You begin to believe that you are who you are because of these groups. You feel that the qualities of the group become your qualities. If the group is good, you feel you are good. If the group is bad, you feel you are bad. If the group is big, you feel you are big. If the group is small, you feel you are small. If the group is cool, you feel you are cool, and so on.

Or, if your group is poor then you are poor.

Yes, exactly. So you see what I mean?

Yes, but what other choice is there? Or are you going to say I don't have to feel that way?

It looks like you're getting to know me well. Yes, that is what I was going to say. You should get in tune with who you really are inside, and always be aware of that feeling, and treat that feeling as the most important thing for you to be. Don't wait for the world outside you to tell you who you are. YOU tell the world who you are, just by being that way all the time. Just be who you are, regardless of what group you may be in at that moment. Because the more you act as your true self, the more it becomes like a filter that keeps people who like you hanging around, and lets people go that don't like you. And then pretty soon, you're surrounded by only people that you like and that like you.

Sounds good, but I don't know if I have the courage to act how I want to act all the time. I'm afraid of what people will say and do. I don't want to get into trouble, and I don't want people to get angry at me.

Remember, anger comes from fear. If someone gets angry, see them as afraid, and feel sorry for them. If they shout, see their voice as just a loud noise for a while, like a siren going past outside. Because you are still young, I'm hoping that it's easier for you to change how you think about things now, rather than when you're older and have been behaving that way for a long time. Once you start it becomes easier, and other people will respond to you based on the new way you act.

Well... I guess I can try it. Or at least, try to try it.

Good. Often that's enough. Just thinking about it and being willing to try it will have an effect. Over time it can become more real. So then... we covered why people get drunk, and how embarrassment can be under your control. But there's one more aspect of what happened today that I remember feeling.

Yes, you mentioned 'disappointment'. But I think I'll give up ever expecting Dad to be any different.

Oh, I don't mean disappointment in Dad. I mean disappointment in Mum.

In Mum?

Yes. You may not notice it at the moment because you're still consumed with how Dad made you feel, but on the inside you are also wondering why Mum made you go to pick him up. Why didn't she go? Wasn't she a bit of a coward to do that? Didn't she push her responsibility onto you?

Well... now that you mention it, yes, I do feel that way. I guess those are good questions. So what's the answer?

What do you think?

I guess she was too scared. She probably knew what it would be like. And she didn't want to have to apologise to the other people.

Yes, that's what I think too.

But, how could she send me there if she knew what he'd be like?

Well, she wouldn't have sent you if she thought it was dangerous for you. She didn't think anything bad would happen to you. In fact, she probably thought it was safer for you than for her. Remember, she's scared of Dad too. She's actually been hit by him. I think she knew he wouldn't do that to you, and even if he did try to hit you, you could run away from him. And she never thought about you being embarrassed. That didn't occur to her. Adults often assume that kids don't get embarrassed.

So you don't think she was a coward?

No, not a coward. She was just afraid, and with good reason. But she didn't send you to experience what she was afraid of. She assumed it would be a totally different experience for you. A much easier one. So, it might be a good thing if you tell her what happened and how you felt. That'll help her make a better decision in future.

Yes, I will if I think of it when I wake up.

In fact, maybe you could also tell Dad what happened and how you felt.

No way! I don't think I could do that.

No, I don't think you could either. But I'd love to see how he reacted if you did.

I wouldn't! He'd get angry for sure.

Well, you might be surprised. Sometimes when you want someone to act differently, it requires you to act differently first. But... I guess we can leave that for another day.

Oh... time to finish already?

Yes, I think so. We had quite a long talk. I think it's time to let you go back. Aren't you tired?

Umm, yes, a bit tired I guess.

Okay. Well... Good night, then, until next time. Pleasant dreams.

Okay. Good night, me. And thank you.

Thank you, me.

* * * *

8

School Bag was an Old Wooden Paint Box

They say that first impressions are the most important and most lasting. And perhaps even a five year old child knows this instinctively, because I still remember the embarrassment and humiliation of the impression I made on the first day at the 'Sumire Ga Oka' day care centre. Or should I say the impression I thought I made, since fortunately I never got any feedback about it. And it was one of those situations where you're made to feel, "Why of all times does this have to happen now?".

In Japan most everything to do with school was standardised, and it was a country where the need to conform was very strong, and social embarrassment was felt that much more strongly. At that time, every child going to day care had much the same style of bag. A nice looking, yellow vinyl bag with a carry strap. One of those accessories of school that can make kids excited to go and do something new.

But for my father saving money was more important than anything, and he also didn't have the sensibilities to understand or anticipate the feelings of a small child. So instead of a nice looking normal carry bag, I was given an old wooden paint box to use. One of those boxes that holds brushes and small tubes of paint that a first time artist might use, and with a simple metal handle. The paints and brushes were simply removed and replaced with my day care items.

Now, I don't remember protesting at the time, so I assume I didn't know any better either. It wasn't until I arrived at the day care centre and saw all the other kids with their shiny new modern bags that I realised something was wrong here. I was instantly so embarrassed, and wanted to hide, or just leave this weird looking box somewhere.

If we could have just gone straight into the classroom and put our bags away that would have been bearable. But no. The worst was yet to come. Of all the things to happen at a time like this, and because it was the first day, all the new students were asked to carry their bags and come up on the stage to introduce themselves. I could have died. "Oh please no! Not that! Why now?" I thought. I just wanted to run away. But instead, I had to stand there in front of everyone, holding my stupid looking paint box, and put my name to this disaster: "Hello, I'm Terri Yamaguchi".

A similar scenario happened a few years later with a lunch box. Whereas all the other kids had a modern looking plastic lunch box, my brother and I were given an old metallic lunch box used by soldiers during the war. It even had the name of the military unit still written on the lid. And to make matters worse, I couldn't even hide the embarrassment once the lunch box was opened, because my food itself also looked like army rations. Rice, dried sardines, and one pickled plum. Argh!

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hi, Terri, it's me again. Terri from the future. Are you dreaming?

Hi me from the future. Yes, I'm dreaming.

You had a big day today, didn't you?

Yes. A big embarrassing day.

Because of the paint box, right?

Yes.

Why did it feel so bad?

Because I don't want to be different to everyone else.

Well, sometimes that's a good thing. Usually the greatest people in the world are different to everyone else.

But that's different in a good way. I was different in a bad way.

How so?

Because the paint box made me look poor.

Why is that bad?

Why? Well, everyone knows poor is bad. No one wants to be poor. You can't have things you want, or things that other people have. And you feel less important than other people. Plus, you look stupid if you only have stupid things. The stupid paint box made me look stupid too.

Well, I won't say that isn't true. At least, that is how many people would feel. But did you notice that everything you said just then is based on what other people think? You said, "everyone else"; "no one else"; "other people"; "less important than"; "look stupid".

Yes, of course. So?

Well, do you feel that way when you look at other poor people? Do you think they are less important and stupid?

No.

Why not?

Because I am poor and I know what it's like. I know I'm not stupid. I know other people aren't less important than me.

So, are you able to act upon what you know? Can you act the way you feel?

What do you mean?

Currently you are feeling the way you do because of what you GUESS that OTHER people may be thinking. That gets pretty complicated. Instead, try to make it simple. Just act the way that YOU feel. Then there's no guessing required, because how you feel is something that you know for sure is true. You don't actually know what other people may be thinking, so basing your feelings on that can turn out to be completely wrong.

But I'm Japanese. Japanese people don't do that. We have to act the way other people want us to. And we have to guess what they want without asking them first.

It's true that Japanese society is like that. And it's very hard for you not to be the same. But even if you act that way on the outside, you don't have to feel that way on the inside. You don't realise it yet, but you can actually choose to feel however you want to feel.

I feel the way I do because of what I see and hear.

And sometimes because of what you imagine. Imagine incorrectly.

Yes. But hang on... what do you mean 'incorrectly'?

Well, because I am you from the future, I know that no one will ever say anything to you about the paint box. No one will pick on you or laugh at you about it. Even if the other kids did notice it, they didn't think anything about it. So you just imagined that incorrectly.

Really? Yaaayyy! That's a relief. Thanks for telling me. I was scared about going again tomorrow.

All because you were guessing what others thought, instead of trusting what you know to be true.

But how do I do that?

Try feeling the way you want to feel, no matter what's happening on the outside. Practise ignoring what you see and hear and imagine, and instead create the feeling that you would like to feel.

What, like an actress? Just pretend?

In the beginning it will seem like acting or pretending. But it will become real if you practise it. You really can learn to feel the way you want to feel regardless of what's happening around you. Especially once you realise how important it is to feel good. You will see things change on the outside as well. You won't be just squashing your true feelings while lots of bad stuff still happens. The stuff that happens on the outside will start to match the feelings you create.

Why would that happen?

Well, that's a bit complicated, but I promise I'll tell you some other time. Fortunately you don't need to know how it works in order to make it work.

Hmm... sounds difficult. But I guess I can try it. So is this what you do?

Ouch!

What?

You touched a nerve with that question. To be honest, this is fairly new information from the future and I'm still practising it too, but I try to do it as much as I can. I believe it works, and so I was eager to teach it to you as soon as possible.

From the future? I like the sound of that.

Hahaha, yes. Actually, almost no one in Japan at your time knows these ideas that I'll be teaching you, so you'll be kind of like a pioneer.

Cool. I guess I can give it a go then. So just try feeling the way I want to feel, no matter what's happening on the outside, right?

Yep, that's it. Give it a try and see what happens. And thanks for being so positive about it, too. All these things I tell you will basically be new ways of looking at things, so that nothing will seem as hard for you as it did for me.

Oh, okay. I see. That's great. Thanks.

Well, then... that's about all I really wanted to tell you for now, I guess. Shall I let you get back to sleep?

Okay. And thanks again. It was fun, I think.

Yes, it was. I'm glad you think so, too. Talk to you again soon, then.

Okay. Good night, me.

Good night, you.

* * * *

9

The 'Evil' Lady Teacher

This is when I first came across someone that, to my child's mind, I considered to be an 'evil woman'. What made it worse, is that she had a position of responsibility, guidance and authority, and as someone who represented the 'grown ups' in the world outside our house, destroyed my naive idea of adults as being always trustworthy and dependable. It's behaviour like hers that shatters the natural, innate feeling in children that adults are there to protect and help you, and instead essentially tells them, "You're on your own in this world, kid".

I was in the second year of primary school, aged seven. In Japanese schools, lunches are provided for the kids and paid for monthly by the parents. Each child would bring the money to school in a small bag, and if my memory is correct, hand that to their teacher. On this occasion, the teacher must have been out of the room for longer than usual, because several of the students, including me, just left our money on our desk and went off to our break.

When we came back into the room, all our money was gone from the desks, obviously stolen by someone. After an investigation and the money not being found, it was decided that each of us would have to pay for that month's lunches again, rather than the school bearing the cost. So for most kids, including all the others in my class in the same position as me, that would be the end of their involvement in the incident. They would still get their lunches of course, and their parents would just lose an extra twenty dollars that month. But because we were a poor family, any amount of money was seen as a burden for my father, and he protested the decision of the school by writing a letter to my teacher, Ms. Yamada. (Actually I don't know if she was a Mrs. or a Miss, but if she was a Mrs. then I feel sorry for the Mr.!).

My father said in the letter, that because the theft had happened on school property, the responsibility was with the school, and therefore he would not be paying the extra money. Of course, the job of delivering this letter was given to me. And I knew roughly what the contents of the letter were because I had heard my father at home complaining about the situation. But in my mind there was no option to disagree, discuss, or oppose my father's decision. It just had to be done. So unavoidably, but unwillingly, I took the letter to Ms. Yamada.

Now, any normal, mature adult, would probably read the letter, and then perhaps discuss it with the principal, and then discuss it with the student's father who wrote it, and eventually come to some decision about the money. But Ms. Yamada had a different plan. She considered the best course of action was to make the seven year old girl who simply delivered the letter, stand at the front of the class, while she the teacher, berated and lectured her in an angry voice about how offended she was to receive such a letter. "It's not the school's responsibility". "It's not my responsibility". "You did this yourself". "Why should I be reprimanded by your father?", and other such claims that seemed to go on for ages.

I was humiliated. I just stood there, looking down at the floor, crying my eyes out. But even that didn't stop her. She still kept up the tirade. Looking back on it, I keep thinking what sort of a person could do that to a seven year old girl, who obviously had nothing to do with the whole event?

For me it was a triple dose of humiliation. One, was just having a teacher getting angry at me. Two, was being dressed down in front of all the other kids. And three, was the feeling that everyone in the class will be thinking how poverty-stricken my family must be to write such a letter, rather than just pay the money.

Unfortunately, I have no memory of what happened after that. Everything up until the triple layered humiliation is seared in my memory, but maybe that blocked out whatever followed. I imagine I would have been in shock the rest of that day, and I wasn't the type who would tell my parents what had happened. That would just continue the situation, anyway. As for the problem of actually paying for the lunch again, I can't imagine how that got settled. Maybe it was one of those problems that just disappear when each party decides to do nothing.

The second memory of Ms. Yamada happened some time after the lunch money incident. In Japan, children were taught that if they find any lost objects, especially money, they should take it to the nearest police station and hand it in. One day, as everyone was leaving for home, I found the equivalent of fifty cents on the ground at school. Being the good girl that I was, and eager to put into practice what I'd been taught good kids should do, I hurried over to the nearest teacher, Ms. Yamada, and said, "Ms. Yamada, I found fifty cents. Should I take it to the police station?". Expecting to be praised and hear her say something like, "Yes, good girl", I was stunned to see and hear her say as she took the coin from my hand, "Oh, fifty cents. Lucky me. I made some money". She then pocketed the coin, turned and went home. I was frozen, left stunned in her wake. This wasn't supposed to happen, I thought. What sort of person is this? Adults aren't supposed to do that. So, what do I do now?

Looking back on it, I should have told another teacher or the principal, but of course I wasn't the type that could do such a thing. I couldn't even think of it. And it wasn't the sort of society that encouraged reporting bad behaviour by your superiors. Once something bad had happened, just be thankful it was over. Trying to fix it would most likely land you in more trouble.

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hi, Terri. It's your future calling. Are you there?

My future calling? That sounds funny. Yes I'm here.

So... Ms. Yamada, hey? She's quite a teacher, isn't she? I still remember her.

I wish she wasn't a teacher. At least, not mine anyway.

Yes, I think you're right. There are many people who are teachers that shouldn't be. Of course, also many people who aren't teachers that should be.

I just want all teachers and adults to be nice and helpful, kind and fair.

Yes, that'd be good. Why do you think she isn't?

Me? I don't know. I want to ask you that.

Well, I don't know Ms. Yamada's personal situation at all, or her past. In fact, I only remember those two things that happened with her. But it's always best to first think about things yourself before you ask someone else. It's good practice to stand outside yourself and try to understand them.

Stand outside myself?

Yes. Imagine you are the other person, or even a different person altogether, and then look at what happened.

Why does that help?

Well, everything is perspective. Everything that happens is defined by how you look at it, or who it is that is looking at it, or where you are looking at it from. For example, would you say that Mount Fuji is a beautiful mountain?

Yes.

Why?

Because it's very big, and has a nice smooth shape, and the snow at the top looks good.

What if I said it's very rough and jagged, with no trees and just ugly grey rocks, and too hot down below, too cold at the top, and a lot of the snow is just slush, and you can't breathe properly where the snow is anyway.

Is it? I've never seen it like that.

You will in about twenty years.

How come?

Because you climb to the top of it. And believe me, you will never want to do that again. Up close it's a very different looking mountain than the pictures you have seen, which are taken from far away. And that's what perspective means. Things appear differently, depending on where you are. But both are still correct. Both are legitimate viewpoints. Mount Fuji is beautiful and ugly. Smooth and rough. Peaceful and harsh. Hot and cold. Attractive and repulsive.

Are you saying Ms. Yamada is like Mount Fuji?

Hahaha, not exactly. But the whole situation can be like Mount Fuji, in that there could be more going on than you can see. And there was also more going on than Ms. Yamada was able to see as well. So, first tell me how you experienced it.

_Well, it was cruel and unfair. I didn't do anything bad, right from the beginning. In fact, I didn't even_ _DO_ _anything at all. It all happened_ _TO_ _me. I just did what I was told, and the same thing other people did too. Why did she get angry at_ _ME_ _. She knew_ _I_ _didn't write the letter. And why did she have to do it in front of the class? Doesn't she know that makes it worse? And why did my stupid father write that stupid letter? No one else wrote a letter. Why do we have to be so poor? Couldn't Dad and Ms. Yamada just talk together and leave me out of it? And what about the people who stole the money? That's so unfair! Don't they care about other people? I feel so powerless, and just a victim to other people and things that I can't control. Don't they all see that? Can't they tell how it makes me feel? I don't want all these stupid, bad people around me._

Yes, I agree.

You do? I thought you would tell me something different. That I was thinking wrong or something, or that they aren't that bad. But am I right then?

Yes, I think it is understandable that you feel that way, given your experience. People that you expect to be able to trust and depend on, did perform very badly. Although, in his defense, Dad didn't know what would happen. He simply wrote a letter and asked you to deliver it. Perhaps he should have dealt with the school directly, but he wasn't to know what Ms. Yamada would do. But both she and the older boys that stole the money did behave badly, and they shouldn't have. Teachers where I live now would never do such a thing.

Older boys? So is that who stole the money?

Oops! Maybe I shouldn't have told you that. Well... I guess it doesn't matter much. But yes, you find out later that some older boys in the school stole the money. However, for now, let's focus on Ms. Yamada, and why she may have behaved the way she did. As I said, I don't know her personal situation, so I'll just talk generally about why someone would act that way.

Okay.

Do you remember what I said before about why people get angry?

Yes, it's because they're afraid of something.

Yes. And in fact, all negative emotions come from a base of fear. All positive emotions come from love, all negative emotions come fear. But ultimately, even fear comes from love.

Fear comes from love? Why would that happen?

People feel fear when something they love is threatened. Usually this is themselves, but it can often be others as well, or even just ideas, or objects. If you didn't love something, or have some positive feelings toward it, you wouldn't care what happened to it.

I guess that makes sense. Okay, so what's Ms. Yamada afraid of?

Well, most teachers are very afraid that their authority will be questioned, and that they will lose control. They have to deal with not only their students, of which there can be thirty or more in one class, but also deal with the more senior teachers above them, and then all the parents. So teachers are always worried that at any moment something could go wrong between them and any one of those people. And if they have to deal with that, then that takes time away from their normal work, which can already be very busy. So there's always potentially a lot of pressure from many directions, and therefore they try to control that by making lots of rules and giving lots of orders, and needing these to be obeyed without discussion. So a school often becomes somewhat like the army, where it runs on unquestioning obedience, discipline and orders.

But I didn't disobey any orders. I didn't actually even do anything!

No, you didn't. And that's why Ms. Yamada was wrong to scold you. There's no question about that. But, because she has been a teacher for a long time, she has become used to scolding people as a way to put things back in control. And it's easier to scold a child than a parent. She knows that if she tries to deal with your father, it would be much more difficult, could end up taking a long time, and might even get further out of control. So, given all that, she saw you as the easiest and safest way for her to get control back.

But that's so unfair and cruel! Couldn't she see I was crying and embarrassed?

Well, over many years, and many more incidents of scolding, I guess she has become dulled to any sensitive emotions of students. And in her case, I would guess that she must have some painful personal experiences in her life, that have made her become very insensitive to others feelings, and to protect herself by using such harshness. In a very real sense, from her perspective, you could say that it wasn't even you she was angry with. She's angry at her own life.

Well, even if that's true, why didn't she just get angry at me in private? Why do it in front of everyone?

Probably to make it an example to everyone else. She doesn't want any other parents writing letters, so she let the kids see what can happen if they do. Plus, as I said before, these sort of things have happened so many times in her teaching life, that she's probably become insensitive to any emotions from the students.

But she could see me crying and looking down at the floor.

Well, we can't know if she felt sorry for you at that point or not, but it was too late to stop even if she did. But for many adults, a crying child is an example to other kids not to do the same, and a sign that their punishment is working.

That's terrible!

Yes, it is. But over many years, and many experiences, the need to control their fear and protect themselves, can make people become cruel like that. So in that sense, it's really quite appropriate to feel sorry for such people. Even though it's hard to feel sorry for them when you're the object of their attack, if you could develop the habit of thinking, "I wonder what you are afraid of?", each time someone is angry with you, then you could remove yourself from the force of the attack, and have a completely different experience of it. With practice, you could find yourself actually feeling sorry for this person, who really looks quite silly when they're getting angry at you.

Wow, I'd love to be able to do that. It would feel a lot better than how I felt. I never want to feel that way again.

Well, a lot of that was embarrassment, right? And we talked about embarrassment before. Do you remember?

Yes... I remember. That's created within me, not forced on me from outside.

Yes, very good. You remember things well. So, no need to go over that again.

So, what about Ms. Yamada taking the money I found?

Yes, that was amazing, wasn't it?! I don't think there's any real positive way to interpret that. It's just one hundred percent the wrong thing to do. Even if she didn't think it was necessary to take it to the police station, and instead thought no one would really miss fifty cents anyway, then normally any adult would have given the money to the child who found it and say something like, "You can have it as a reward for being so honest".

Yes. That's why I think of her as the 'evil woman'.

Well, maybe not as bad as 'evil'. But as I said before, she must have had some personal experiences in her life that made her become very insensitive to others, and to learn to protect herself with selfishness. Perhaps, for example, many things such as those that happened to you, where people just take things, also happened to her. But, whatever the past experiences may be, she learned to see life as completely competitive, and in order to survive she developed an attitude of 'take what you can when you can' and 'do unto others before they do unto you'. Again, you really should see her as sad rather than evil. If she's like that to other people in her life, then she probably doesn't have many friends.

So, do you think maybe it's her I should see as the 'poor thing', rather than me? What happened to me is over now, but she is that way all the time.

Very good! Yes. That would be extremely good for you if you could really think that way. Of course, it's still understandable for you to feel sorry for yourself in this situation. You didn't do anything wrong, and were treated very badly. But if you can learn to say what you just said, and to see the 'big picture' from all perspectives, it will be so good for you, and make your life very easy.

I'd really like to be able to do that.

Then assume that you can already do it, and it will come more easily. But based on what you just said, perhaps you are already doing it. The ideal is to be able to feel that way not just after something happens, but right in the middle of it going on. The ultimate goal is for that to become your permanent outlook. But that will come with practice.

See the situation as if I'm just watching a movie.

Yes! Very good, again. That's how your higher self sees it. And you can even learn to enjoy it from that perspective.

So how about if I thank Ms. Yamada for being a very good 'evil woman' in my movie?

Wow! That's excellent! Do you see how you've 'flipped' the whole experience? You changed your perspective and found a positive feeling.

Like Mount Fuji from a distance.

Yes! Wow. I can see you're really understanding this. You know, I may not need to come and explain things to you for much longer. You seem to be getting a handle on how all this works.

What?! But that's no good. I want you to keep coming!

Really? That's wonderful. Thank you for saying that. Well, then in that case I will. We can always just talk of course.

Yes, we can. Good.

Well... I guess that's covered it, then. I'd better go and let you sleep. Me too, in fact. These days I'm trying to get up early in the morning to go to the beach.

The beach? Do you live near the beach?

Ah... yes.

Which prefecture are you in?

Prefecture? Oh, of course. I see what you mean. But... I don't want to tell you too much about the future.

Actually, earlier you said something that sounded funny, but I forgot about it then. You said, "Teachers where I live now would never do such a thing". What did you mean by that? That sounds like you don't live in Japan.

Does it?

Yes. Otherwise you'd just say, "Teachers now would never do such a thing", meaning in your time in the future.

Hmm... Pretty clever, aren't you? I forgot how clever I was. I'll have to be more careful in future.

_So you_ _DO_ _live in another country?! And near the beach?!_

Well... yes. I won't lie to you. But that's all I'm going to say.

Wow! Living overseas. Now I've got so many questions I want to ask you!

Well, I'd better let you go back to sleep so you can forget them.

Oh, really? Can't you tell me? What difference would it make?

I can't tell you how the movie goes. It would spoil the story for you. Let it be a present that you open in the future.

But I can't wait that long.

Well then, best go back to sleep so you can forget all about it, and so you can start the first day of the rest of your life. Oh, and don't worry about Ms. Yamada. I don't remember anything else bad happening with her.

Okay, thanks. That's good to know.

Well... Good night, then. It was good talking to you again.

Yes, it was. Thanks. Good night, me.

Good night, you.

* * * *

10

The Same Life as My Mother? (Girls Don't Need to Study)

In many societies and families, kids are told such things as, "You can do anything you want if you try hard", and "You can be anybody you want to be", or "You can grow up to be the President", and so on. But I never heard anything like that. Ours was a life of limitations, where everyone in the society seemed to be doing much the same thing. Especially women. There weren't any dreams to follow - just a fixed path with little variation.

Getting married wasn't really a dream to look forward to. It was more like a train you had to catch. A train that took you to a job you didn't like, but had to keep doing. And if it looked like you were going to be late and maybe miss that train, then everyone around you would see it as their duty to hurry you along. And not catching the train wasn't really an option either. If you didn't get on that train, there was nowhere else to go.

Not that men had it much better as far as options go, because in Japan at that time, once you had chosen your employment, it was likely you'd be doing that for the rest of your life. But over time, men could aspire to be something more within that employment, and as the income earners, they could choose to be single for as long as they wanted.

As a child of about seven years old, I wasn't thinking about such serious life matters. Mostly children are just focused on either the present day, the near future, or recent past. However, one day something happened that made me focus on my long-term future, and I became very upset and depressed about it. Another one of those sudden realisations, or 'awakenings', that stopped me in my tracks, and suddenly the world had changed again.

I was at home by myself, watching a television drama about a Japanese family during the war. They were incredibly poverty-stricken, far worse than us, but I was able to strongly relate to and feel empathy for them. This was a time when food itself was very scarce, and in one particular scene the mother is desperately collecting fallen grains of rice in her hand, hoping to get enough to make a meal for that day. But something happened that made her drop the rice, and she once again had to chase after these grains as they scattered over the ground. It was such a pitiful scene, and a pitiful life for this mother, constantly going from one struggle to the next. A life of permanent struggle.

As I watched this scene, I was suddenly reminded of my own mother, and realised that she also had a life of permanent struggle. She too had a pitiful life with nothing new to look forward to. Now, suddenly the virtual feelings of deep sadness from watching TV became real. This was not pretend anymore. This was happening to my own mother. And then it dawned on me. My God, this was going to happen to me too. I was going to have the same life as my mother. Because, what other option was there for women? I was a girl, and that meant I was going to become a woman like all the other women around me. So, therefore I was going to have a pitiful life of constant struggle too.

Immediately, a deep, depressive sadness came over me. I was now suddenly in a different world. An ugly world. I couldn't watch the TV anymore. I ran to my bed crying and threw myself on it, distressed and depressed about the life of a woman. Housework. Hungry kids. Horrible husband. Always tired. Always poor. Powerless. Controlled. Limited.

I never found a resolution for these feelings at the time, and of course I never talked to anyone about it, or sought advice. So this feeling must have stayed with me on and off for a few years. Fortunately, it eventually wore off. I don't remember anything specific happening, but by the time I was ten years old I had found some relief. I realised that I could escape this trap through education, and so developed a strong desire to study. Most kids hate schoolwork, but for me it became a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought I could become rich if I did well at school. I was motivated now, and would often stay up late, studying with the light on, especially the night before a test.

Now, in any normal family, a parent would be happy to see their child pro-actively studying for school. But not my father. He wanted to sleep, and my lamp light was just an annoyance for him. "Turn off the light!", he'd demand. I never did though. By that age I had developed some will of my own, and I also knew he was too sleepy (or drunk) to argue for long. "Girls don't need to study!", was another common piece of advice from him, often said in combination with "Turn off the light!".

However, that advice didn't only come from him. Even my grandmother (my father's mother) would say the same thing: "A girl doesn't need to study!". And this idea was real for them. It was as obvious to them as saying a horse doesn't need to study. In their mind they knew that a girl's life was predetermined, and you just had to go through the motions, and play the role required of you. You just had to get on that marriage train, don't be late for it, and do the work that awaits you at the other end.

Well, I wasn't going to get on that train. I had already seen what was at the other end.

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hi, Terri, are you there? Are you sleeping?

Ah, hello again. Yes, although I don't feel like I'm sleeping.

Well, the physical you is sleeping, but the non-physical you is always awake.

Right. So does that mean we could talk anytime then, if the non-physical part is always awake? So not just when the physical me is sleeping, but when I'm awake as well?

Well, when the physical you is awake, the non-physical you also wants to experience everything that the physical you is going through during the daytime. But when the physical you goes to sleep, then it could be said that non-physical you now has some 'free time'.

I see. So are you also asleep now? I mean the physical you?

No, the physical me is doing what's known as 'meditating'. I think we mentioned that briefly once before. That's a way to go to non-physical, or to connect consciously with non-physical, while you are still awake.

Oh, sounds cool.

Yes, it is. In fact you'll have a great experience with it in the future. Much more than just being 'cool', it will feel ecstatic. But... let's not get too distracted in that direction. Shall we start our talk about your day? You had another scary experience, didn't you?

Yes, another one. I hadn't really thought much about my future before. I didn't think it was necessary to consider it.

Until something happened to someone else, which you then applied to your own life.

Well, it naturally made me think about Mum, and then that made me think about me.

Yes, you can draw connections between most people. Most people have many things in common, and the human experience has many common themes that people explore.

Well, this TV show was about poverty and struggle, and that's a big theme in our lives now.

Yes. Although, the family in the TV show was a lot worse off than you. Often when people see others that are worse off, it actually makes them feel better about their own situation. But that didn't happen to you, did it?

No.

Why not, do you think?

Well, their situation was just a TV show, but ours is real. So in that sense we are worse off.

Ah, I see. Yes, good answer. The TV show was something you experienced just in your mind, but you experience your own real situation with all your senses and physicality. It takes over your whole body and mind. But remember, the experience of the family in the TV show did actually happen to many people in Japan, during and after the war. In fact, our parents experienced something similar.

Really?

Yes. They haven't told you about this yet. I guess you're too young for it at the moment. But for the time being, let's just say that Mum probably doesn't see her life as being as bad as you think it is, precisely because she has already had that more terrible experience after the war. She realises that, by comparison, her life now has more comfort than it did then, and things are comparatively much better than if the war, and post-war conditions, had continued.

But she couldn't possibly be happy with her life now.

No, maybe not. I don't mean to say that she is necessarily 'happy', but realise that people don't experience the 'absolute' experience, but rather the 'relative' experience. That is, they experience the difference between their previous situation and their current situation. If it has improved they experience joy, if it has deteriorated they experience sadness. So for example, someone going from a terrible situation to just a bad situation, may experience the change and be happy with that because it's positive. Similarly, someone going from a great experience to just a good experience, may now feel unhappy because it's been a negative movement. Thus, it's possible for the first person, who is in a bad situation, to be feeling happier than the second person, who is in a good situation.

Hmm... I think I see what you mean. But... actually... what do you mean?

You can't judge a person's level of happiness or misery from the outside appearance. You'd be amazed how many unhappy rich people there are, and how many happy poor people there are. So don't assume Mum is miserable. She may be, but if you wanted to actually know how she feels, you would have to ask her.

She'd probably say she's fine, so that I wouldn't worry. Or, she'd be embarrassed.

Perhaps. But the lesson here is, your first reaction when seeing the TV show was that Mum must also be pitiful and miserable, but that thought was actually an assumption created inside you. So, it's always best to check the reality with the person concerned - in this case Mum. Sure, she may lie to protect you, but you'll still get more of a sense of her true feelings than if you don't ask her.

Yes, I see.

You'd be amazed how much of what people think is going on in their real life, is actually just their imagination. Especially in your country, Japan, because it's the culture there to guess what people feel, rather than ask them straight out. This may lead to less confrontation and friction, but also to more anxiety and stress because you never know the truth.

Yes, we worry about what others are thinking, and try to anticipate what they want. But it gets complicated because they're also doing the same to us.

Yes. So there's constantly a hidden uncertainty in everyone's interactions, and uncertainty is one of the great causes of stress.

So what should we do instead?

Well, always try to find out what the real situation is first, before you start judging and imagining and planning. This will save a lot of worry and stress. Deal with what is real, and don't fret if it's unknown yet.

Hey, that rhymes.

Oh yeah, it does too. Aren't I clever?!

Yes, I am.

Hahaha, very good. Yes, you are. Now, let's talk about the other theme in what happened today - namely, the life of women - and in particular, your worry that your life is already fixed and unchangeable.

Well, is it fixed? Can we skip straight to the answer?

The answer is no, of course. It isn't fixed. How could it be otherwise? Because you always have choices.

Thank God! What a relief!

But it can seem that way, because what is often 'fixed', is the way people think. If your beliefs and thoughts are fixed, then you can experience that your life is also fixed. But it was never meant to be that way. By nature, you are free to think and believe what you want. But the society you live in and the people around you (or mostly the people 'above' you), make you feel that your freedom to THINK what you want is meaningless, because you can't DO what you want. It makes you wonder what the point is of having free will if you don't have free choice. So you learn to ignore your thoughts and desires. You are told that they are just 'dreams', and 'not practical'. You are told you have to do this, and you have to do that, so forget about your own wishes. Just get used to how things have to be, and do what we need you to do.

Yes, that's what Mum's life looks like. I don't know if she's ever thought about what she wants. Even if she did, there's so many other people she has to satisfy first, that there's no time for herself anyway.

Exactly. She still has the freedom to think and believe what she wants, but she's spent so long ignoring her feelings, that it's as if they don't exist. And she has ignored those feelings out of fear and obligation.
So, it's fear again. But isn't it natural for her to be afraid of things? What other choice does she have?

Exactly. That's how people are made to feel - we have no choice anyway, so best to give up and get used to it.

So what else would you tell them?

Well, there's a guy on TV in my time who says to people, "So how's that working out for you?". It's a very simple, yet powerful question to ask yourself. If things aren't working out how you want them to, then obviously what you're doing is wrong for you. So it's time to make a change.

But what if you make a change and things get worse?

Well, how much worse could it be anyhow? You may think it risky to change, but your happiness for the rest of your life is worth the risk. And believe me, once a person takes back their power to think and choose for themselves, and announces to the people around them that from now on they'll be exercising their free will, then usually the people around them either fall in line with the new paradigm, or they get out of the way.

So how come no one does that - thinking and choosing for themselves? In my world women all seem to be doing much the same thing.

Most are, yes. Humans are an animal that is very afraid of being rejected by the group. If you were living in the wild, being accepted by the group is an instinct necessary for survival. So your free will becomes frozen because survival is more important. That's why all the women you see are following the path that is expected of them. But there's a movement underway in your time now, mostly overseas but still somewhat in Japan, that will change that situation for women. It's called the 'feminist' movement. In your future you will see that little by little, individuals begin deciding that their own happiness and freedom is more important than not upsetting others around them. Their example then wakes up others and 'defrosts' those people's frozen free will. Once you get a certain number of these pioneers, this then becomes a new 'group' that people can now belong to. And this new group is able to satisfy their need for acceptance, so they're no longer afraid of being rejected by their previous group. This is how major changes take place in society. An alternative system is created that people can feel comfortable shifting to.

But what could Mum do then? She wouldn't join a group. She has to make Dad happy, and my grandmother happy, and her boss and customers happy, and us kids happy as well.

She just has to realise that it's important to make HERSELF happy. And not only for her own benefit, but for those around her as well. Nothing is more important for kids than having happy parents. A happy mother or a happy father is one of the best gifts you can give to a child. Children don't get any pleasure from seeing a suffering parent. If the people around Mum demand that she does things for them at the expense of her own happiness, then they do not deserve to have things done for them. If the people around her demand that she be happy first, then they'll find that she will gladly do things for them anyway. But not because she has to, but because she wants to.

So how do I avoid having the same life as Mum?

Well, first don't think of it as trying to 'avoid' anything. Instead, you should think of 'moving toward' something. Move toward things that excite you. At every point in time there are options available. Always choose the option that presents the most excitement at that moment, no matter how small it is, and don't have any expectations as to what the outcome must be. This simple idea is actually all that is required for you to live the best life you can. That's because the universe is designed that way.

The universe?

Yes. The universe 'assumed' that if you felt excitement toward something you would naturally move in that direction. Just like when you feel cold, you move toward warmth. It seemed like a foolproof system. After all, who wouldn't move toward something that is more exciting, right?

Well, people may want to, but there's lots of other things and people to consider.

Exactly. People complicated the system. But it was never meant to be complicated. It was already a fully designed, complete toolkit that would lead people to happiness. Do you know what excitement is?

Yes. When something seems like it will be fun.

No, not do you know what excitement FEELS like, but do you know what excitement itself IS?

What it is? What is it?

Excitement is the feeling of the vibration, or energy, coming from your higher self. When you feel excitement, you are feeling the connection with your higher self. You are connected to it more than before. Excitement is the language by which your higher self leads you through life. It's saying, "Here's something you will like. Come over here." And if you do that particular thing, you will feel more and more like the real you. Essentially you will be fulfilling your destiny. So following your excitement is not 'selfish', it is being 'your-self'. Your true self. Your higher self.

I see. So then what's sadness?

Sadness is ignoring your true self. Not following your excitement. Pinching it off. Dismissing it. You see, all feelings are like signposts telling you to either 'come this way', or 'don't go that way'. Animals do this naturally. They live in the moment, and would never imagine moving away from excitement and toward something that is unwanted. They think only about this moment now, and what is the most exciting thing they can do right now, and then they do it. It's their instinct. Humans have learnt, or have been taught, to ignore their instincts.

So if I follow my excitement, does that mean I will not have a life like Mum's?

Yes. It would be virtually impossible. Mum's life has largely come about by ignoring her excitement. Rather than moving toward her joy, she has spent much of her life moving away from her fear. And those two approaches produce very different results. Just be sure not to limit your excitement by adding requirements or expectations as to what the outcome must be.

Huh? Why not? Isn't the whole point of following our excitement in order to get something we want?

No, it's not. The purpose is supposed to be just feeling the excitement and joy itself - like listening to or playing music, or looking at beautiful scenery. The reason you shouldn't add conditions on what the outcome must be, is mainly because if you are thinking that a certain something MUST happen, or that you NEED it to happen, or you'll be disappointed if it doesn't happen, then that produces a negative, 'desperate' vibration which can produce a negative result. Also, requiring a certain outcome may limit what can be created, whereas if you leave it up to your higher self to lead you to exciting things, you can end up with something far greater than you could have expected.

Hmm... Yes, I think I understand what you're saying. We need to trust the system to work for us, rather than trying to 'force' it to work.

Yes. Very good summary. I think it helps that you are still young. You haven't completely forgotten your natural instincts, and these ideas resonate with you more easily because you haven't fully learned to ignore them.

I mainly just wanted to be sure that I won't have a life like Mum's.

Believe me, you will have a very different life than Mum's. A life she couldn't even imagine. Yet, she too could have a great life if she did just imagine it, and then move toward it.

I was really scared because I felt that, since I was a girl, I was in a trap and couldn't get out of it.

Yes, I understand. But no, that isn't the case. Anytime you feel scared it's because you have pinched yourself off from the feelings of your higher self. Whenever you have a feeling you don't like, ask yourself this question, "What would I have to believe is true, in order to be feeling this way?". By asking yourself this question, you will find the beliefs and definitions you have been using to operate your life with, often unconsciously. Then when you look at these beliefs, and analyse them, you'll see that these definitions can be changed. After all, mostly they were just taught to you by others, or you just assumed they were true from what you saw around you. Look around for some alternative definitions. You will always find them. In this case, look for examples of other women living lives you would like to live. Expand your horizons. It's a big world out there. Lots of people doing lots of things. There's no reason you can't if they can.

Actually, now you mention it there is a woman I'd like to live like.

Hahaha, yes, I know there is.

Do you? How do you...? Oh, of course. Because you're me, right? So, do you remember who I mean?

Yes, I remember. Hey, this might be fun - shall we say it together?

Oh, okay. Alright then. Are you ready?

Yes, ready.

One... _Two_...Three... _The_ wife _in_ 'Be _wit_ ched'.

Yes! That's right.

See? I told you I knew.

Yes, you did. But wow, that's weird. So you really are me, aren't you?

Yes, I am. And you really are me. It's fun, isn't it? So then... what do you like about her life?

Well, I want to live in a big house like she does, in a beautiful neighbourhood like hers, with nice clothes, and a car, and not have to go to work...

...And be able to do magic?

Well, yes, I guess so. But that's only an extra bit, really. I don't care so much about that.

Wow, I just realised something. You know how I told you that you were also helping and teaching me?

Yes. Why? What do you mean? What did I say?

You've helped me to suddenly really appreciate my life now, by seeing how amazing it would look to you. For me it all happened gradually, but when I talk to you I can experience it as if the change happened suddenly.

So, like you were saying before about the 'relative' experience. How it's the amount of change that creates happiness, not the situation itself.

Yes! Very good! Wow, you do listen and learn, don't you?

Yes, I guess I do. You know, I'm glad we had this talk again. I'm just so glad to hear that my life will be different than it is now. And especially different than Mum's.

Yes, but remember, that's because you will MAKE it different. You will make choices that are in line with your true feelings - not choices out of fear.

Yes, I see what you mean. That's great to know. What a weight off my mind! So, now that that's sorted out, I think I can relax again. I guess I'm ready to go back to sleep now.

Oh, okay. Well I'll let you go then. Remember, the next day of your life starts tomorrow.

_The next day of_ _OUR_ _life._

Hahaha. Yes, very good again. Okay then... bye for now. Good night.

Good night, me. And thanks.

Good night, you.

* * * *

Mum Always an Underdog, Dad Always in Underwear

Does He Want Us to Like Him?:

It's strange how sometimes people will act in a completely opposite manner to the way they want to be perceived by others. For example, people may wish to be respected, but act in ways that make them unrespectable. They may wish to be seen as knowledgeable, but display it by making fun of others ignorance. They may wish for attention or sympathy, but tease others or even act like a bully to get that attention. My father gave me my first experience of this paradox.

My brother and I were playing with the futons (thin, Japanese mattresses), and we had pulled them all out of the cupboard where they are stored during the daytime, and made them into houses, with walls and rooms to play in and under. When my mother came home, she very unexpectedly got angry about this, and spanked me several times. From her point of view, she was thinking of having to clean up the mess before making dinner, and it would take a while to replace the futons back in the cupboard. And when you live in one room, there's no option to leave things on the floor until later, because we had to sit on that same floor to have dinner. This was the only other time she spanked me, apart from the training pants incident, so I was shocked and hurt and naturally started crying.

But it was what my father said next that suddenly made this memory all about him, and very little about my mother. He said, "I wouldn't get angry about something simple like that. Yet, even though your mother spanked you, do you still like her more?". Without a moment's hesitation, and while still crying, I replied honestly, "Yes!". Because, after all, there was nothing in my experience of him that would cause me to consider if that would hurt his feelings at all. Plus, at the time I was fully occupied with my own hurt, not to mention the fact that he did get angry about plenty of other trivial things, and in this case it wouldn't have been 'a man's job' to put the futons back in the closet anyway.

However, later on it made me think about something I'd never thought of before. Does he want us to like him? Is he actually concerned whether we like him or not? But if he wanted us to like him, why does he behave the way he does? He doesn't do anything that would make someone like him. Why doesn't he act nice then?

Even now, I still wonder at the complete lack of awareness that could cause a person to act badly, and yet expect a favourable reaction from others. How could they not know how they make people feel? How could there be no awareness that they are sabotaging their own desires, even though it is so obvious to those around them?

Dad also seemed to live most of his life dressed only in his underwear. And not just inside the house, either. He quite happily went out the front door and moved around outside our apartment building, wearing only his loose-fitting, white long johns. In fact, many years later, after all the family returned to our parent's apartment following Mum's funeral, my brother's wife and her mother were both treated to Dad stripping down to his underwear within minutes of arriving back home (for which my brother's wife later demanded he apologise for upsetting her mother!). For him it was the same concept as other people taking off a coat in order to relax, and he just seemed oblivious to the opinion of others, or the effect he caused.

Similarly, it was Dad's own fault that us kids could never relax when he was around. He always wanted us to be 'doing something'. Some kind of 'work'. Or anything that looked like it was 'useful', rather than just relaxing or having fun. He didn't want to see us taking it easy or enjoying ourselves. So it was always a sort of 'mini-paradise' whenever he wasn't at home. We could do what we want and let our guard down. We could finally just be ourselves. But the moment we heard him at the front door, everyone quickly got busy with looking busy, as if it was 'battle stations' on a warship. The television got turned off, and suddenly we were all pretending to have been in the middle of some housework or schoolwork, and the mini-paradise was over for another day.

Mum Selling Insurance:

Although I never found myself concerned about whether or not my father was happy, or whether he found life hard or enjoyable, I did quickly come to feel that way about my mother. Basically, she was the underdog and my father was the cause of all the problems.

The first time I acted on my sympathy toward my mother was around the age of seven. She had started a part-time job selling insurance door-to-door, and from our veranda I could see her walking around the surrounding apartment buildings, and being followed by a trainer from the insurance company. This particular day, I saw my mother and the trainer talking, and from the body language I could tell she was obviously being scolded in a serious way. My mother was the type that was never really skillful at anything she tried, and unfortunately this included speaking. Even at my age, I could tell that sales was going to be a hard, uncomfortable job for her, but because money was tight she had to do something.

As I was watching this sad, pitiful scene involving my mother, I felt I just had to do something to help make her life easier. Perhaps the reason for this event remaining in my memory for so long, is that usually if I did work at home it was because I was being told to do it, or because I was afraid not to do it, but this was the first time I wanted to do it out of pity. Undoubtedly, that's not something that a parent wants their small child to feel for them, but in my mother's case it was unavoidable.

So I cleaned up the kitchen, and washed and prepared the rice for dinner, which was something I had never done up till that time, and it had the desired effect when my mother got home. I remember she was extremely happy and very relieved to see that it was already done, and no doubt pleased that at least someone in the world was thinking of her happiness, and it felt good for me to help someone that really needed and deserved it.

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hi, Terri. It's me again. Can you hear me?

Hi me again. Yes, I can hear you.

Ah, there you are. So, how have you been?

Good. How come you've come tonight? I don't think anything bad happened today. Did you make a mistake with the timing?

Hahaha. No, no. At least, I don't think so. Is this the day you helped Mum in the kitchen after seeing her trying to sell insurance?

Yes, it is! Wow, you really are me, aren't you? It's still so weird. But in a fun way.

Good. That's the best kind of weird. Those things happen more and more when you have a good connection to your true self. Unexpected, surprising, fun things. And amazing synchronicities.

Synchronicities? What's that?

Basically, what you would normally call 'coincidences'. Two or more things occurring at the same time, or within a short period of time, that normally wouldn't occur together, or that normally wouldn't occur at all, but yet occur multiple times in a short period.

So you mean that coincidences happen more often when you have a strong connection to your higher self?

Yes, basically.

Why would that happen?

Well... one reason is that when you start being your true self, things in your life start falling into place as if someone had organised them in advance. You start being in the right places at the right time, because those places are on your true path. Another reason is that when you are connected to your true self, your thoughts and feelings are more consistent, and less random. You're more focused on positive feelings and things you want to do, rather than haphazard thoughts like a person splashing around in the water drowning. So, because of that consistent focus of feelings, you experience more things that have a similar vibration to your thoughts and feelings, rather than lots of random things that have different vibrations.

Hmm...

And, at the level of your higher self, which is non-physical, you immediately experience anything you think of. Creation is instantaneous, simply by the power of thoughts. So as a physical human, the closer your connection is to your higher self, the more you will see your thoughts start to appear in your physical world, and the less time it will take for them to appear.

Hmm... I'm sorry I asked...

Hahaha. Sorry. Did I confuse you too much?

Well... not too much, really. I think I got about sixty or seventy percent of it.

Oh, okay. Well that's plenty. That'll do for now. Because actually, everything I tell you is not completely new to you. It's really just information that you already contain, but have forgotten about after you were born as a human. That's why you will often find that, if you just leave things alone that you have learnt but not understood, later on you will suddenly have a better understanding of that information. You've had time to absorb it, and remember it. A hole was opened in your forgetfulness, and memory came slowly flowing back in.

Yes, I think I know what you mean. I have had that experience when learning things.

Great. Well, then... we better start what I came to talk about I guess.

Okay.

So, you did something very nice for Mum today, didn't you? Tell me about what happened, and why you did what you did.

Well, I guess I felt two things. I felt sorry for her having to do an extra job, especially one that I know she wouldn't be comfortable doing, and on top of that being told off by her boss. So I thought someone should help her. But also, when I saw that she was working hard at life, I thought I also should make an effort and do something useful.

First, I want to tell you that those are both wonderful things for someone your age to think and do. Mum felt a lot of support and relief the rest of her life having you around. Make sure you never change your personality, even if others around you do not behave that way.

...Oh,... I've never... ...Thank you...

Second, I bet you don't realise that Mum actually did something terrific for you today as well, even though she herself wouldn't realise it either.

No. What do you mean?

She gave you an opportunity to feel compassion. And then an opportunity to choose who you were going to be in that situation. And then, when she showed you how happy she was with what you did, she virtually cemented those feelings and reactions of yours into a permanent part of your personality. It was essentially a co-creation by both of you, each giving the other something of great value that would last their whole life.

I didn't know all that was going on.

No, mostly people aren't aware of, or aren't focused on, the totality of the situations they're in. But every interaction is a co-creation, and everyone can act as a mirror for other people to see aspects of themselves they otherwise wouldn't notice.

I think I see what you mean. But I wish she didn't have to work so hard, though.

Yes, it would be good if she could take it easy and enjoy her life. But she is a great example for you that stays with you all your life. An example of an unwavering, calm personality, regardless of how hard the situation may be. Regardless of how badly behaved and demanding others around her may be, she is always a kind, selfless personality, who just does what has to be done without fuss. And if you could know the value of that example in your life, and the ability it gives you to be always at peace with yourself and those around you, you certainly wouldn't care about being financially poor, because your mother has given you an inheritance that makes you emotionally and spiritually rich.

Oh,...wow...I don't know what to say. I feel like...like you've taken a mask off my eyes or something, and...I can see things I never thought about before.

Really? That's great! I can't hope for a better effect than that, I guess.

Does every situation have so much more going on like that? All that hidden 'co-creation' stuff, and emotional effects that you don't realise?

Oh, yes, everything is much deeper and wider than you normally experience with your physical mind and five senses. In fact, your five senses are not so much designed to receive input from the outside world, but actually to block out most of the outside world. And this is so that you can have a limited, physical human experience. It's like looking through a keyhole, rather than opening the door. But as you increase your connection with your higher self, through such things as meditation and spiritual learning, you can increase the size of that keyhole, so to speak.

Well, I'd like to do that now.

You will do it, but later on. Everything happens in good timing. A certain amount of normal human living, makes it more noticeable and enjoyable when you later learn to expand your consciousness. Plus, because you're in the dream state at the moment, and therefore closer to your higher self, you are more interested in such metaphysical and spiritual topics than when you are awake and are focused on being a physical human child again. I think if someone talked to you about this when you are awake, you wouldn't be so interested. There's so many other things of interest to you as a child when you're running around in the physical body.

Really? Well, okay, if you say so. I guess that makes sense.

Good. So, let's leave that for now. But there's another event I wanted to quickly talk to you about, which happened a while ago, between you and Dad.

Oh, okay. Something bad, I guess?

Well no, not bad for you. Or actually, it was bad for you at first, but that part came from Mum. The bad part wasn't bad for you, but bad for Dad, and came from you.

Came from me? You mean I did something bad to Dad? That'd be unusual. What was it?

Remember when Mum spanked you for playing with the futons? And Dad asked if you still like her more than him?

Oh, yes, I remember that. That was strange. Does he want us to like him? I assumed because of how he behaves that he didn't care what other people thought.

Yes, interesting, isn't it? People can want one thing, and yet act in the complete opposite way to that required to get it. Why do you think that is?

Me? I don't know. That's my question. Hopefully he'll change his behaviour if he wants us to like him.

Ha! That... well... yes, that would be good.

Uh-oh... you started to laugh. That means he doesn't change, does he?

Umm, I don't want to say either way. I don't want to tell you the future before it happens.

Too late. Your "Ha!", said it all.

Oops. Sorry. Stuff slips through easily when we're just using thoughts to communicate.

That's okay. Doesn't matter. I didn't really expect he would change. It was just a thought. A nice idea.

Oh, okay, That's good. So, back to the question. Why do you think he acts the way he does, if he wants people to like him?

Well... I've learnt from you that the reason people do a lot of things is because of fear. So I assume he behaves the way he does out of fear.

Yes, that explains why he acts the way he does, and you're right, we talked about that before. Thanks for remembering, by the way. But, you assumed that he didn't care what people thought of him, right? But if he does actually care what people think, then the question becomes - why doesn't he act in a way that would make people like him?

Oh, right, I see. Look at it from a different perspective, right? Well, yes, it's a good question. Why doesn't he?

I think it's because he's never had an example of what that behaviour would be. In other words, it doesn't occur to him to be nice and easy-going because he's never seen it himself, and even if it did occur to him, he wouldn't know what to do. He probably never had anyone be nice and fun-loving with him when he was young, and all the role-models he saw were the typical Japanese male stereotype - arrogant, stubborn, and demanding.

Yes, I see. Although... on the one hand that does makes sense, and yet, how could someone not know how to be nice?

Because even if they know intellectually, let's say for example they have seen other people act nicely, they've had no practice doing it themselves, so it becomes an uncomfortable, foreign way to act. Plus, his priority is probably first to be respected as the man in charge, and since he tries to achieve that through anger, those two emotions clash with each other, and it's impossible for him to be angry one moment, and then nice the next. And for children, it's uncomfortable when a predominantly angry person suddenly tries to be nice. You just can't respond naturally. So even if he does try to be nice, he probably doesn't get very good feedback from his family, and so he avoids trying to be nice again in future.

Ah, yes, that makes sense. We prefer to avoid him as much as possible, and only give very short answers if he asks us anything, so I guess he wouldn't get a chance to be nice very often. I'm not convinced he wants to be nice, but yes, it would be uncomfortable for us now if he did try to be.

So it could be that he's just given up trying. Anyway, maybe keep this in mind whenever you're interacting with him from now on. Or rather, now that we've had this talk, your interactions with him may be less stressful because you'll have an unconscious understanding of his nature. You'll be able to look past his negatives more easily. At least, that's what I hope will happen, and the reason I wanted to talk to you about it.

Well, that'd be great if that happens. You know, it really does make a difference talking to you. I love being able to look at a situation in a completely different way. Especially if it's one that makes me feel bad, and then there's a different way to look at it that makes it seem not so bad anymore. Because, I don't really care if I'm right or wrong about something, I just want to feel good about it.

Thank you for saying that. I'm glad these talks help you. And that automatically helps me, too. Also, what you said about just wanting to feel good \- that's the natural instinct of everyone. Because that's the feeling of the higher self. It always feels good about everything. So whether you're right or wrong about something, if you don't feel good about it then you're out of tune with your higher self, and you should look around for the alternative perspective that does feel good.

Yes, I think I know what you mean. I'll try to remember to do that. Thank you for helping me. I really enjoy these talks.

That's great. Me too. It's a lot of fun, and very healing. Well then... I guess it's come time to say good night, again. I better let you get back to sleep, hey?

Okay. And you too? What time is it where you are?

Oh, it's the afternoon here, so I won't be sleeping yet. Although, I do often 'accidentally' have an afternoon nap.

Afternoon nap? You must be getting old then.

Hey! Cheeky monkey. Hahaha, no, there's a long time to go before I'm old yet.

Hahaha. Hey, maybe you could contact your older self and talk to her. Is that possible?

Hmm... good question. I don't know. I'll have to think about that. I'll let you know if I come up with anything interesting.

Yes, please do.

Okay then... that's all for now. So good night, Terri. Pleasant dreams. Until next time.

Okay. Good night then... old me...

Hey!

He-he-he...

* * * *

American Top 40

This point marks the end of my early childhood events, with the following memories being from high school and beyond. I don't recall anything really awful or upsetting happening in the intervening years, and I actually quite enjoyed middle school and high school.

However, having said that, I'm sure there would have been other painful events during my childhood, but I think I must have grown used to the way things were. When you are very young, all the incidents that define your world and the people you live with are happening for the first time, and the shock is significant enough to remain with you all your life. But perhaps when similar events continue to happen, you develop an immunity to the shock, and they have less lasting impact.

From the age of about twelve, I developed an interest in western music, and all through my high school years I had a regularly scheduled appointment on Saturday afternoons with 'Casey Kasem and the American Top 40', played on the US Naval base radio station. At that time in Japan we still had to go to school on Saturday mornings, but I would rush home afterwards, and while doing the washing would listen to my portable radio. I soon became quite obsessed with it, and would regularly buy the Japanese radio magazine, 'FM Station', that had the top 100 chart list. But I didn't just casually read it. I followed the weekly movements on the top 100 list like a gambler follows the horse racing guide, making notes of which songs went up this week, which went down, and by how much. I became so expert at western music that I couldn't really talk to anyone else about it. Not because it was embarrassing, but because no one else could keep up with my level of knowledge, so it was pointless to try and have a conversation that went beyond a few sentences.

And it wasn't just the music that made me have this level of fascination. The music was a huge contrast to, and a place for me to get away from, the stress of my father and the church we belonged to. For someone who knew nothing else but the small part of Japan that we lived in, and the constantly stifling life of poverty, home, and church related rituals, this music represented a whole different world. Not only could I forget my own regular life while absorbed in the music, but I could get a sense of a life in far away places that was fun and wealthy, and where people all spoke English which, since the United States and England had won the Second World War, was now the language of the world that everyone in Japan dreamed of being to be able to speak. Plus, the people in the songs were doing something that I and most Japanese people never did. They were expressing their emotions, and saying what they thought, and not caring who heard it. Imagine that! People expressing their feelings, and sending them around the world. I couldn't even express my feelings around our one room apartment!

I also got further injections of the outside world from going to the movies. To save money, I would go when it was cheap (three movies for the price of one), and would often win tickets to test screenings. Most of the western movies had Japanese subtitles, but I wanted to be able to understand the story without depending on them, and so went to a free English class run by the town council and the US navy.

If someone had told me at that time (late 1970s, early '80s), that not only would I leave our relatively isolated region of Japan and travel overseas, but that I would actually end up living in a foreign country, it would have been unimaginable. It's no exaggeration to say that most Japanese people felt isolated geographically, historically, socially, and linguistically from the rest of the world, which they could only really experience passively via the television. And because our family was so poor, we also felt financially isolated even within our own country. So it would take several more years, and a very traumatic experience of Japanese company life, before I could even have a mindset that would consider setting myself free to travel.

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hello? Future calling Terri. Are you there?

Yes, I'm here future.

Ah, there you are. Good to 'hear' you again. How old are you now?

How old? That's funny. You've never asked me that before. I'm fourteen. How come you don't know?

I didn't focus on tuning in to a specific day this time. I just chose a random day around these teenage years to come and talk to you about something you're doing.

Really? What am I doing?

You're doing the washing on Saturday afternoon.

What?! The washing? You want to talk about the washing?

Hahaha, no, not really. That was just a little joke. It's what you do every Saturday while you're doing the washing.

Oh? What? Oh... that? Really? You mean the American Top 40?

Yes. (sings theme) "American Top 40".

Oh, so you still remember the theme tune? I guess that makes sense, though. It's a big part of my life right now. What do you want to say about it?

Well, as I've said before, I don't want to tell you things that will happen in your future, but this is just general info, and you won't remember the details when you wake up anyway. But, I hope that some sense of the general message will always stay with you.

Okay then. I'm ready. Go ahead.

You may think that listening to 'American Top 40' is just a bit of fun, but it's actually the start of the greatest change in your life.

What?! Really? The greatest change in my life?

Yes, but not only that. The second thing you're also doing, without knowing it, is applying the most powerful spiritual teaching regarding how to have the ideal life.

Wow! I don't even know what that means, but I'm impressed.

Hahaha. Yes, it's a bit vague at the moment. I'll explain a bit more. The music will lead you along a path, and that path will eventually take you very far away from the life you have now. And the music itself will be a life-long source of good feelings that will help to protect you and console you.

Wow, that sounds great. Still a bit vague, but I like it so far.

Think of it like this. The music is like a light from your higher self (or maybe in this case a 'sound'), that leads you along the path you chose to travel in this life, before you were born. I want to emphasise to you how big this is, so that even after you wake up you will get a sense that there is a powerful force at work that helps and guides you. Are you understanding this at all?

Yes... I think I am. You're saying that listening to this music is a big turning point in my life. And that it's a very good one.

Yes. A turning point, a light, a signal, a guide - all those kind of things. This is how higher selves and guides like to do their work. By giving you hints, or attracting you to things that may seem ordinary, but you actually discover a big lesson in them, or a completely new direction for your life.

I see. But why don't guides just talk to us with words? Wouldn't that be clearer and easier?

Because they are 'guides', not 'announcers'. A good teacher doesn't just give a student the answers. Making it 'easy' in that way is making it dull. Using fun to lead a student to discover the answers themselves is the best way. Your guides want you to discover things yourself, and so they use objects or situations that exist in your world to try and catch your attention. In a sense they are saying, "Come this way", or "Go that way", and this is communicated to you by the feeling of excitement you get when you come across those objects or situations. So, be sure to always follow that excitement.

Okay, I see. So am I already doing what I'm supposed to be doing? I don't have to do anything different to get the big change in my life that you mentioned?

Yes, you're doing what you're supposed to be doing, and no, you don't have to do anything different. You are on the path you're meant to be on. Just follow your excitement.

Okay, great. And the other thing you said? You said there was a second thing? A spiritual teaching for having a good life?

Just follow your excitement.

No, I mean the other thing you mentioned. What was the 'powerful spiritual teaching' you talked about.

Just follow your excitement.

Huh? How come you keep saying that?

I'm answering your question. Just follow your excitement.

' _Just follow your excitement' is the answer?_

Yes. The 'powerful spiritual teaching' is - 'just follow your excitement'.

Oh, okay. I see what you're saying. I thought there was something wrong with our connection. It was like a record with a scratch in it.

Hahaha. Sorry. Yes, I see what you mean. I was just having some fun. But repeating it over and over does help it stick in your mind.

Okay. So why is 'Just follow your excitement' so powerful?

Because excitement is the voice of your higher self, who knows everything you want to experience. And it's saying, "Come this way", and "What you want is over here". And each time you go there, it will lead you to yet another excitement, and another, and so on. Plus, the feeling is designed to be so simple and obvious that you can't miss it.

And am I doing that right?

Yes. You are following your joy by listening to the music, and it will lead you to other things that seem exciting, and you will do those too.

Seems simple enough.

Doesn't it, though? And yet people find it very hard to follow that natural, simple process. A lot of fears distract them by saying, "No, don't follow your excitement. Don't go that way. You have to come this way first". Or, "You can do the exciting thing later, after you've done all these other things, if you have time left". People feel a lot of pressure and things that want to pull them in a different direction, away from anything exciting.

Yes, I understand those fears. I have some of them myself.

And yet, ironically, the only reason those fears exist is because people ignored, or rather were taught to ignore, their true nature in the first place. It's a big, complex, vicious cycle that our societies have built. But, following your excitement works like a filter. It blocks people and things that want to pull you in a different direction, and lets through those that are of similar energy to you. Just following your excitement by itself does everything for you. It pulls you along through life, and also organises everything ahead of time.

What do you mean?

I mean you don't have to first organise things and events and people in your life, so that you can then follow your excitement. Following your excitement will automatically organise things for you as you go. You'll find that things will naturally fall into place, because your excitement leads you along a path that is specifically designed for you to experience.

Oh, I see what you're saying. Excitement is the voice of your higher self, leading you around like a tour guide, on a tour that you chose to experience before you were born.

Wow! Very good. Yes. I see you're picking it up quickly. I wanted to tell you this lesson now, because I wanted you to feel the strong pull of your higher self even in your waking state, around the age you are now. So, in order to do that, maybe if you think deeply about what we've discussed, then a sense of connection to your higher self will stay with the physical you when you wake up.

Oh, okay. I understand. How about if I also try and dream about our talk again just before I wake up, and then maybe I'll remember the dream in the morning?

Ah, that's a good idea. Yes, that might work too. Good thinking, Terri. I forgot how clever I was.

Hahaha. Thank you very much.

Well then... I guess I should let you go and get started with that.

Oh, okay. Time to finish?

Yes, I think so. I don't want to take up too much of your sleep time. And I can see that you've already understood what I wanted to tell you. After all, you're not a little girl anymore, are you? You said you were fourteen, right?

Yes, fourteen. Actually, fourteen and nearly eight months, so closer to fifteen now.

Right. So that would make it 1980 where you are. The start of the '80s. That was a weird decade. Lots of good music, but also lots of really bad music too. And weird clothes and hairstyles. We look back on the '80s now as fun but corny. Lots of good movies though, that you will like.

Sounds good. I'll look forward to all that.

Oh, my God! I just realised something... You said you're fourteen years and nearly eight months, right? So does that mean it's December there now? December, 1980?

Yes. Why?

Oh my God! I just remembered...

What?

What day is it? I mean the date.

Today was the eighth, so the ninth tomorrow.

Oh my God!

Why do you keep saying that? What is it? Something bad?

Well...yes... But not for you - don't worry. Sorry. No, nothing happens to you or your family or friends.

Oh, okay then, that's good.

But... that's amazing that I should just happen to tune in to you on this day. I just randomly focused on these teenage years in order to talk about the American Top 40. That's a weird coincidence that we ended up talking today.

If it's so unusual maybe it's a synchronicity, then. So what's the big deal? What happened today?

Not today, but tomorrow your time. It happens overseas. Our higher self must have organised the time of our connection so I would talk to you about this.

About what?! What is it?! Can't you tell me?

Well... actually, I can talk a bit about this. It doesn't happen directly to you, but you are influenced by it.

Okay. Go ahead.

Hmm... How do I put this?... A tragedy happens overseas, and it's big news all around the world. A famous person dies, and everyone, including you, are very sad about it. You even write a letter to a radio station about it, and they read your letter on the air!

What?! A radio station reads a letter that I wrote?!

Yes. Hmm... I hope it was okay to tell you that... It just sort of slipped out quickly. Well, you'll forget about it in the morning anyway.

But why would I write a letter? It must be someone I really liked that died.

Yes, but then, so did everyone. Don't worry, it doesn't have a long-lasting impact on your life. Just for a few days. But...Hmm... There must be some reason I was to talk to you about this. And it must be a positive reason or message that I'm to give you.

Can there be a positive perspective on someone dying?

Yes! That's it! Perspective. That's the word. Perspective can help you handle sadness. By allowing you to see a bigger picture, it can help to dilute the sadness. I think I know what to say now. I'm supposed to tell you the big picture.

Okay.

Sometimes a tragedy can lead to a very powerful, positive effect afterwards. People look at what happened and see the powerful negative force of the tragedy, and it makes it so obvious to everyone that this is the very opposite of who and what they are, and the opposite of who and what they want to be. So it moves them to take action, and declare out loud and in public, who they are and who they want to be, and how they want the world to be. Now, if the person who dies is a famous person, then this happens all around the world, and builds up a very powerful momentum for such things as peace & love, kindness & humility, non-violence & spirituality, and so on. And usually a far more powerful force for good than that person could have organised themselves while they were alive.

So, because the bad thing happened, it led to a lot of good things happening?

Yes. And the good things can be cumulative and exponential, so over time it can add up to a very powerful, positive force in the world. You can be sure that on that day, and days following, there would have been untold numbers of arguments, fights, and other forms of violence and aggression, that in the normal course of events would have occurred around the world, but did not occur because of this tragedy. So think of the domino effect of that over time. Of course, from a human standpoint, everyone wishes the initial tragedy had not happened, no matter how powerful a force for good it gave birth to. But you could imagine that the person involved, who is now dead, is probably very okay with it all. In fact, it's likely to be a plan for their life that they created before they were born. Remember, from the higher self's point of view, this human life is all just like experiencing a movie. It knows that it is an eternal being that can't be destroyed, and just wants to experience emotions and spiritual growth. Does all this make some sense to you?

Yes, I think it does. I can see what you mean by seeing the big picture, and that there's more going on than people may realise. And that a lot of good can come from something bad.

Okay, that's great. Because if you can see that, then it helps to dilute the sadness and makes it less stressful. Which, by the way, is the whole point of these talks that we have. Not to change the events of your life, but to make you stronger and more able to get through difficult events easily.

Yes, I understand. And thank you for doing it. I'm sure it will make a difference tomorrow when I hear about this event, whatever it is. But, even besides that, I really like these talks. It's fun.

Yes, for me too. I always look forward to it. Tonight's was a bit of a shock though. I thought I was in complete control, but perhaps our higher selves are pulling more strings than I realise.

Hahaha. I guess there's always someone higher up.

Hahaha, yes, there is. Which is a comforting thought, I suppose. Well... it's been a long one tonight. I only planned on having a short talk, but I'm glad we went with the flow.

Yes, me too.

So... I better say good night then, Terri, and pleasant dreams. A big day tomorrow, but I know you'll be fine.

Okay. Thank you. Pleasant dreams to you too, future Terri.

Bye, for now.

Bye.

* * * *

Religion, Church, and Mind Control

Trying to explain the unwanted hold that religion can have on you is difficult. Generally speaking, people either like or loathe religion. If they like it, then they don't find the hold to be an unwanted one. If they loathe it, then it seems it would be easy to release yourself from that hold - just don't go to church and forget about it. But there's a whole other third category of people. Those who don't like their religion anymore, but still can't get it out of their head.

If you've grown up with a religion, you don't question it as a child, and by the time you reach a questioning age, there's a lot of scary thoughts and threats that have been placed in your consciousness. Your critical mind has analysed the teachings and found them wanting in logic and believability, but your deep-seated survival instinct is worried about the scary threats. After all, those scary teachings went into your brain while it was still being formed, so they are very 'hard-wired', and have a strong impact no matter what your mature mind or other people may say.

Our family's religion was one based on revelations given to a Japanese woman in the nineteenth century. As a child, everything about going to the church was fine. Everyone is nice to kids, and you don't think about anything deeply. It wasn't until I was about twelve years old that I started to notice some things that were a bit 'off'. Inconsistencies and contradictions between the teachings and the behaviour of the people in the church, started to appear in my mind. But if you were to ask questions about this, you never got proper explanations. The replies were usually along the lines of: "you're being arrogant", "think positively", "it's good to just put up with things", "forget about bad things", "just live the good life", and so on. These completely unsatisfying answers to genuine questions left a bad taste in my mouth.

My doubts then turned to suspicions when I noticed that, even though most of the followers were poor people and yet still had to make monthly financial contributions to the church, the top members of the church seemed to be living extravagant lives by comparison. There appeared to be no restrictions for them. I didn't like the look of this, and while I still attended the regular gatherings, I also began to lose interest in the church.

A turning point for me was the 'Jekyll & Hyde-like' transformation of the wife of the church's minister. I was now a high school student, and along with another girl was helping out at the summer festival which was held for one week every year, featuring amusement park rides and other attractions for kids. I don't remember what we did wrong, but something 'big' must have happened. The minister's wife, who was usually calm and kind, suddenly developed a stare like a predator, and berated us with a cold-hearted type of suppressed anger, that went on for what seemed like an excessively long time. It was quite scary, and was like seeing someone suddenly develop a split-personality disorder.

So then, forever after that I was afraid of her, and this was the start of what would later be regular nightmares in which she appeared. Your rational mind can't control your dreams, so this was the realm where the fears and threats of the religion could have full impact. In our church they didn't teach you that there is a hell or a heaven, but while you're alive there can be 'punishments' in the form of karmic retribution if you did the wrong thing. It was this that became the strongest and most long lasting of the brain-washing for me. If you don't live the 'good life' as they teach it, then bad things can happen to you and around you. Of course, this threat can never be proved or disproved. Bad things of varying degrees will eventually happen to everyone. But for the believers, when any misfortune does occur, this can then be pointed to as the punishment for not doing what you were told.

This brain-washing was strongly reinforced when I was about twenty-three years old. I was planning to go overseas to Australia for one year with two other friends, and in order to get my parent's permission, I thought it would please them if I went on the church's three month live-in seminar held at the main temple, which was located in another city. At the time I felt this was a great experience, and the main teacher at the temple was actually able to explain the beliefs in a logical way, which I thought would never happen. But the constant morning-to-night absorption in the teachings, meant I was full to overflowing with the religion by the time I got to Australia - so much so that of my own free will, I actually sought out the local branch of our church in Sydney. As with many religions, one of the teachings of our church was to do what you can to try and make the world a better place, so looking around for some way to do this, I hit upon the idea of becoming a Japanese language teacher, and enrolled in a language school in Sydney (which is where I would later meet my future husband).

Fortunately, as time went by and I was separated from the church for a long time, the brain-washing started to dissolve. I began experiencing many new people and a variety of ideas and other religions, and my own religion began to look ridiculous again. Of course, this sense of freedom only occurred in the mature, analytical part of my mind. The subconscious survival instinct still threw up doubts and guilt to get my attention. So, although I felt it was okay to believe what you want, I was worried about the karmic punishment if I quit the church. The minister's wife kept appearing in my dreams, turning them into nightmares, and I felt her constant presence and pressure. I just couldn't get away from the guilt and fear caused by trying to separate from the church. To a non-religious person this sense of guilt may be hard to understand, but it really is insidious in the way it inhabits you like a virus, and can never be removed until you find an alternative philosophy that negates the original fear-based teachings.

Later, after returning to Japan, I tried to discuss this issue of guilt with my mother, but she was not a complex thinker (not always a negative thing, of course). Unfortunately, her approach was too simple and irrational for me: "If it causes you stress to leave, then just go back to the church". Argh!, I thought in exasperation. That's no help. Just more circular logic that goes nowhere. I knew I'd have to look elsewhere for answers, but not knowing where or who to turn to, the matter was left unresolved for several more years.

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hi, Terri. You there? It's me again.

Yes, I'm here me. How are you?

How am I? That's funny - you've never asked that before. I guess you're getting older. At the moment I'm very calm because I'm meditating. You?

Yes, I guess you could say I'm calm too. Or maybe, I feel 'light' is a better description.

Ah, yes, of course. You're in a partially non-physical state, midway between your physical body and your higher self. In the dream state.

Yes, I like this non-physical feeling.

The contrast is good too, right? Going from physical to non-physical, and then back again.

Yes, that's true I guess.

'Contrast' is a very important, useful concept. It allows you to experience things from another perspective, and get an appreciation for them that you wouldn't otherwise get if you were constantly experiencing the same thing.

Yes. I know what you mean. I love going to sleep, but if I was sleeping all day I wouldn't love it as much. And being sick makes you appreciate your normal healthy state more.

Exactly. In fact - and I know this is expanding the topic to an extreme all of a sudden - but that's why God created the universe. So that God could experience itself. God had 'knowledge' of itself, but without any contrast God couldn't 'experience' itself. So the universe is actually an infinite number of different perspectives of God, through which God is experiencing itself.

Hmm... I'll have to think about that for a while, I guess.

Well, I'll give you an example. Would you say that you are a compassionate person? Do you feel sympathy for people if something bad happens to them?

Yes, of course.

And does it feel good to feel compassionate?

Well, I've never thought of that before, but yes, I'd say it does.

But, what if you never saw anyone that had something bad happen to them? What if, from the time you were born until you were ten years old, everyone you came across, and every animal as well, were all perfectly fine and happy?

Well, then I guess I would never feel compassion.

That's right. You may intellectually know what the word 'compassion' means, and believe that you have the potential to be compassionate, but you would never actually 'feel' the emotion of compassion. However, that would be kind of sad in a way, wouldn't it? It's good to feel compassion, and to know yourself as compassionate, right? So in that sense, you should be thankful to all those people and things that have given you the chance to feel that way, and to experience that part of yourself. Not that you want bad things to happen to people of course, but because they do happen it allows you the physical and emotional experience of compassion, which you otherwise could only have an intellectual understanding of.

Yes, I see what you mean. That makes sense. So are you saying that's what God is doing?

Yes. By creating the universe, God is able to 'experience' every aspect of itself, rather than just 'knowing' itself intellectually. And one of those aspects is you. You are an aspect of God. And God is experiencing itself via you living your life.

Makes me sound important!

Yes, it does. And of course you are. But therefore remember that everything else is important too. Everything exists for a purpose. The universe doesn't make pointless creations.

Hmm... I could probably think of a few.

Hahaha, yes, I see what you mean. It's one of those truths that people recognise intellectually as probably being true, but it's hard to apply it to everything in your life.

That's for sure. But I'll try and remember it and practise it.

Good. After all, it can only benefit you to do so. Now... shall we get to the topic I wanted to talk with you about tonight?

Okay.

The topic is... the church and religion.

Oh, really? Do we have to? Religion seems so unnecessary while I'm in this dream state.

Well, yes, exactly. It IS ultimately unnecessary. That's why there's so much stress and trouble surrounding it. People innately know that all these rules and rituals and fears are not necessary. And that innate sense, or people's natural instincts, is what the religion and the people running it try to control. But that's why religions will never last forever. They don't realise that what they're trying to control is in fact an aspect of God itself. Natural instincts are the part of God that exists within everyone and everything.

Religion is supposed to be trying to lead people to God, isn't it?

Yes, and it does do some of that. But it's quite mixed up, really. Religions are mostly man-made, but man has too many fears and desires for control, so there's lots of unnecessary rules and rituals, threats and punishments. Using rules and threats is how man has always tried to get people to do things, so they assume that God would use the same system.

I don't like following rules out of fear, or just because I'm scared not to. Or because I feel guilty, either.

No, of course you don't. Your higher self doesn't guide you with fear or guilt. It only uses excitement. The reason you feel bad following your fear, is because you are tearing yourself away from your true yourself. The feeling from your higher self is being ignored and pinched off. That's the very definition of feeling bad. That's literally what 'feeling bad' is. Just like 'feeling thirsty' is telling you to drink water, 'feeling bad' is telling you to follow your joy.

Yes, I can feel the truth of that. And it sounds so simple, doesn't it?

Yes.

So why is it so hard to do then?

Well, nothing is harder for humans than simplicity. You've been taught that simple is not good enough. That great things are complicated. That hard work is required in order to get great rewards. That you must prepare for all the things that could go wrong, and then do what you want if you have time. That good things are scarce and you have to compete with each other to get them. With all those fear-based beliefs going on, simplicity just doesn't get a look in.

Well then, what should I do? Quit the church?

For the time being, just do the minimum requirement you feel comfortable doing. The thing I wanted to tell you is, that the difficulty you're having with the church will actually help you in the future.

Really? How?

Remember what we said at the start tonight about 'contrast'? How it makes you see things from another perspective, and thus appreciate them more?

Yes.

Well, for you, religion serves as a very big contrast in your life, and enables you to appreciate something new that you will come across later. When you discover this new thing, the contrast with your previously unsatisfying experience with religion will make you feel so good and so relieved. Much more so than someone who hasn't had your bad experience of religion.

What is this 'new thing'?

Let's just say it's a completely different belief system that begins to spread around the world. A belief system based on the power within you, with no rules or rituals required, no money that has to be paid, and no one in a superior position to any other. And best of all for you...

What?

...there's no fear or guilt. No punishments for not following the teachings. Just explanations of how things work, and you can try them out for yourself. It's a constant process of discovery.

Oh my God! I want that now! Can't I have that now? Do I have to wait? For how long?

Not so long. But the wait makes it great. Enjoy the wait. Enjoy the anticipation that there is something better coming. Let yourself get hungry before you eat, and you'll enjoy the meal more.

But I'm already hungry!

Hahaha. Yes, but until now you were hungry and didn't know if a meal was coming at all. Now you know there's a meal coming. Enjoy the contrast a bit more, and relax your fears. It won't be much longer. The world is much bigger than Sasebo, and there's a lot more people in it than there are in your church. At the moment you're in a bit of a pressure cooker, because living in this isolated region and following this small religion is all you know.

Hang on... That sounds like you're saying... You know what? I get the feeling you're going to say "Oops" again...

Yes... so do I.

You've let some details about the future slip again. What you just said sounds like I'll be leaving Sasebo in the future. Is that right?

Hmm... maybe. Although, actually, you already got it out of me before that I live overseas, right?

Yes, that's right.

So this isn't really new information.

But you said "It won't be much longer", which means I'll be leaving Sasebo soon. Living overseas could have been a long time away, right?

Well, I'm not going to say anymore. I don't want the time travel police to arrest me.

The what? Oh, that's got to be a joke, right?

Yes, just a little joke. Hopefully to distract you and change the subject.

Ah, I see. Okay. I'll let you off the hook this time then.

Phew. Thank you, ma'am.

He-he-he. You're welcome. Okay then. So, back to talking about the church. My brother, Ichiro...

Yes, I know who he is...

... also doesn't like the church, and has a lot of stress surrounding it. I don't suppose you could contact him too and talk about it?

Actually, funny thing about that. By coincidence, or rather by synchronicity, he will also discover the same new philosophy that you do. In fact, you find out many years later when talking to him, that he even read the exact same book that started you off in that direction.

Wow, that is a coincidence. Or what did you call it?

Synchronicity. Remember we talked about that before? That means, rather than things happening randomly and sometimes 'coinciding' by accident, that things which are similar will attract each other, and therefore occur at the same time. We say they have a similar 'vibration'.

Vibration? I know you mentioned that a couple of times before...

Yes. We can talk about this some more another time, but basically everything in the universe is made of energy which vibrates at its own frequency. Things of a similar or related frequency tend to occur at the same time.

Hmm... That's another one I'll have to think about for a while I guess.

Well, as an analogy, you listen to the radio, right?

Yes. 'American Top 40' on Saturday afternoons.

And, as you turn the frequency dial you move from one station to another, right? Have you ever sometimes had the dial in between two stations, and been able to faintly hear both of them? Or perhaps you can swap from one to the other with only the slightest touch?

I think so.

Think of it a bit like that. You and Ichiro are sometimes vibrating at a similar frequency. That is, you are brother and sister living through similar things, so this can cause you to have similar experiences, even when you are living far away from each other. Especially when the frequency is as powerful as the one you have both created around the church and wanting something better to happen.

I see. So it's not random?

No. It's controlled by the vibration you give off, which is determined by the thoughts you have. In this way it's said that people create their own reality. The thoughts and beliefs they have create a vibration, which then attracts them to situations of similar vibration. Of course, people aren't aware of this concept, and so they are constantly creating random and unwanted vibrations. Usually people create their thoughts as a reaction to what's happening around them, not knowing that these thoughts will then attract the next events in their life.

But how could thoughts and vibrations attract situations that are in the future? Situations that haven't happened yet?

Ah... that's a very important question. And it brings up an incredibly important point that most people don't realise about this. You don't actually 'create' your future with your thoughts and vibration. Your thoughts and vibration take you to a reality that ALREADY EXISTS. It just seems to be the 'future' because you experience realities 'one after the other'.

So you're saying the future already exists?

Yes. Everything - past, present, future - exists together. As a human you just experience it as separate events, one after the other.

Hmm... I have to say I don't really get that, but I do like the sound of it. It sort of... I think the word is 'resonates' with me. It feels good. If we talk about it some more, I think I could get to understand it.

Yes, that's probably what's meant by the phrase 'it rings true'. The truth does cause a sort of resonance inside you when you hear it. Like a bell going off, or a light going on. However... I think we'll talk about it more some other time, if that's okay? We've already talked for quite a while now.

Yes, okay. But I'm starting to see what you mean by 'contrast' causing things to become more interesting. Because of my unsatisfying experience with religion, I'm now very much more interested in these things you're talking about.

That's great. You've been questioning for a long time, and now you can enjoy the answers finally coming.

Yes, finally.

But the wait makes it great.

Nice rhyme.

Yes, thanks for noticing. It's interesting how people have a tendency to believe something is true if it rhymes. I guess it's the symmetry of it. It makes it sound like the truth.

I learnt about rhyming from English songs. Japanese songs don't really use rhyming.

Yes, that's right. I forgot about that. In poetry Japanese focuses more on the rhythm of sentences, doesn't it?

Yes.

Well, anyway... it was great to talk again, but I'd better let you go, I guess. Good night then, Terri. Pleasant dreams.

I hope so. Do you think I'll have less nightmares about the minister's wife now?

Either less of them, or they'll be less scary. The whole purpose of these talks is so that any trauma I experienced will be lessened for you, and you will forget about stressful things more quickly. The things you learn from the talks we have, will filter through to the physical you, and act like a kind of 'immune system' during your waking life.

That's great. And thank you again for doing this.

That's okay. The result is mutual, so I'm also doing this for myself, really. So I should thank you too.

Okay. You're welcome. Well... good night then, future Terri.

Good night, past Terri.

* * * *

Imagining John Lennon

The following three events are from a very stressful four years spent at a local bank, enduring the life of a Japanese worker.

Dad's Intervention in Bank Inspection:

In Japan people actually die from overwork. About ten thousand people a year. And not because of dangerous jobs either. Just regular office jobs. The phenomenon even has its own word - 'karoushi'. In a Japanese company (particularly up until the 1990s), you do what you're told for as long as you're told to do it, and you better not complain about it. Self-sacrifice for the benefit of the group is expected. It's basically the same culture as the military, but instead of defending a country or defeating a tyrant, your just trying to make money for the business, and perhaps a little for yourself along the way. In my case the company was a bank in the mid-1980s, and therefore money was not only the purpose of the business, but also the product itself. Thus, there wasn't even some object that you could point to with pride and feel that all your stress and efforts had at least led to something tangible.

Soon out of high school, I landed a job doing clerical work at the local branch of a major bank. For a poor family in a somewhat isolated country region, this was a very prestigious job, and the salary was considered to be quite good (although looking back now I see it was quite pitiful). But being able to now provide money for the family was both pleasure and pressure for me, since it was very unusual for Japanese people to resign from a company once they had been hired. There was a culture of lifetime employment for men at most companies, and this translated throughout the society into very little job mobility. But on top of that normal standard, I also had the pressure of trying to help provide for the family, and once I began to do that, the idea of ever quitting became unthinkable. Not to mention that the standard common sense of family and friends at the time - as I understood it anyway - was that I would be irresponsible to leave such a secure and prestigious position.

In Japan, all banks are subject to a surprise inspection from the Department of Finance. This is very stressful for the bank, as literally everything is checked, and if any errors are found it could lead to some form of punishment. So most banks will conduct their own inspection in advance, as a practice run to make sure they're ready for the real thing. Not long after I began working there, our head office ordered such a practice inspection for us, and we had to prepare for it. A lot of the responsibility for this fell on my shoulders, and any clerical mistake, no matter how small, was unforgivable.

But as a new employee it was natural for things to not go perfectly, and mistakes would occur. Nevertheless, my heartless, panic-stricken supervisors would often get severely angry with me. This continued for many days, and meant I was leaving work very late (of course with no overtime pay), my body shaking with nerves and stress while I walked back to our apartment. On one of these days, I returned home almost unconscious with exhaustion, and without speaking a word to anyone, simply collapsed onto my mattress while still wearing the bank uniform, and immediately fell asleep.

The rest of this story I only heard about many years later. Apparently, my father had noticed the condition I was in when I got home, realised that something unusual was happening, and began to worry. So without my knowledge, he decided to go down to the bank and talk to the manager in secret. He explained to him what he had seen, and that he thought it was not normal for someone to be this tired. Was I perhaps being bullied by my co-workers or supervisors, he asked.

Unfortunately, I don't know what the result of that conversation was, because my father never told me about doing this. The only reason I found out, was because the bank manager told me some five years later when I happened to pay a visit to the branch after returning from my working-holiday to Australia. So not only had my father made sure I didn't see him when he went to the bank - which he could only have done by going to the back entrance of the building - but he also intentionally avoided ever telling me about it later. It made me realise, with some surprise, that maybe he did actually care and worry about me, just like a regular father.

Imagining John Lennon:

I wish John Lennon had been the manager of my bank. His words brought me to a flood of tears as I sat in my car one night, after a futile attempt to escape the horrible, pressure-cooker world of the bank. On business days the bank was open to customers from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. This would then generate a mountain of paperwork that we had to complete from 3 p.m. to 5 p.m., when our working day was supposed to finish, but in reality it always took until 8 p.m., with no overtime being paid for those extra three hours. Nevertheless, we were still forced during those regular daytime hours to also do door-to-door sales in our assigned areas around the branch. This consisted of knocking unannounced on complete stranger's doors and asking them to open a new account, or a term-deposit, or any of the bank's other products.

Being Japanese, and also given my retiring personality, I absolutely hated this. The only 'sales technique' I could bring myself to perform was to simply ask, "Would you like to open a new account with us?", and if their answer was "No", then I would apologise and leave. After all, the whole process was the very opposite of what Japanese society teaches you, namely "Don't bother people!". Yet when you work for a business, that rule is in direct conflict with the other main command of society which is "Do what your superiors tell you without question!". So I was trapped between a cultural rock and a hard place, effectively being told by my superiors to go out and bother people.

The embarrassing result of this showed for all to see on the sales graph in the staff room. As with my mother, who had the same performance during her own stint at selling insurance, I was always at zero sales, or very close to it (occasionally some of the door openers would feel sorry for me and actually open a new account out of pity). However, I could put up with that kind of embarrassment, since I had no desire to be a good salesperson anyway. But in order to compensate for my lack of skills, the supervisors plan was essentially to find more people who would take pity on me, and unbelievably he suggested I visit my old high school and try to sell accounts to the teachers in the staff room. Oh, my God! What the hell! You've got to be kidding, I thought. This was an unbearable idea! There was no way I was going to do that. That would be way too humiliating. Even I had reached a limit to obedience with that idea. Fortunately the supervisor must have somehow got the message, because even though I never said anything, I was never asked to approach the school again.

So basically my whole life was taken up with this work, from early morning to late at night, including Saturdays until 3 p.m. It was a relentless, pressure-cooker lifestyle with no outlet, and I was building up a large amount of suppressed frustration and anger, particularly toward the door-to-door sales. I began to ask myself, why do we have to sell to people if they don't want it? Aren't we just being a nuisance in society? Aren't we just annoying people?

After one particularly bad day of work, I just had to get away from everything and everyone. With nowhere to go, I got in my car and just drove, directionless. It was only a symbolic gesture of escape, but it was the best I could do. After about twenty minutes, I pulled over somewhere and turned to my only source of relief - music. I put in a cassette tape of John Lennon, and began to listen closely to the song "Imagine". By this age I had learnt enough English to understand the lyrics, and within seconds they untapped years of bottled up frustration and resentment, and I began to cry uncontrollably. Here, alone in my car in the dark, I could let go completely, and I cried like a child for a long time. Because I desperately wanted to live in the world John Lennon was offering. Why was that world so hard to create? It was simple and yet great, whereas my society was elaborate and yet ugly. Not only could I 'imagine' his world, I craved it with a passion.

Although the crying did provide some emotional release, unfortunately as the song came to an end it was now all the more difficult to have to return to the normal reality John spoke of - the one of possessions, greed and religion, with no brotherhood and no sharing of all the world.

Mum's Advice - Better to Quit than Die:

It's hard to imagine now, and especially hard for people in western societies to imagine, but for me, being from a poor family in what felt like an isolated part of Japan, I felt my life had no other options than those I was currently presented with. Such was the strength of the social conditioning I had, that I completely felt I had no other choice. But after four years it turned out that only my beliefs had built the prison I was in, and it was a simple statement by my mother that made me realise it.

I worked at the bank from 8 a.m. to 8 p.m. or later, and on Saturdays until 3 p.m.. Basically six-sevenths of my life was controlled by work, and every day was a race against time. A lot of bank work has to be completed on the same day it occurs, and there were quotas and deadlines that had to be met. My salary at that time was 90,000 yen per month (approx. $900), plus a twice-yearly bonus of 30,000 yen ($3000). Unfortunately, the particular job I was doing enabled me to see the branch manager's salary. He was earning 500,000 yen per month ($5000). This demoralised me, because I could see that he hardly did any work at all, and this became especially infuriating towards the end of the day. By custom, supervisors were not supposed to go home before their subordinates, and while I was swamped doing overtime and trying to finish that day's paperwork, he would just be hanging around, killing time, waiting for me to finish, and looking sleepy. Often he'd ask, "Yamaguchi, are you nearly finished?". Of course I was nowhere near being finished, and I wanted to shout back at him, "No, I'm not finished, so why don't you help me and then we can both go home?!". But even if I had said that, my impression is that his pride wouldn't allow him to do the work of an inferior anyway.

So this is how it was, day after day. Working like a slave for a minimum wage; going door-to-door annoying people and humiliating myself; and preparing for sudden inspections that never actually happened. I hated my life. I had no life, in fact. My life belonged to the bank, and I could see no way out. Having lived all my life in poverty, the choice to resign just didn't exist in my mind. My impression was that at my level of society everyone I knew would think I was stupid to leave such a 'desirable' position, and being the eldest child, I was sure my family would be disappointed if I quit. However, life had become a type of hell for me, and I seriously came to think that it would be better to just die than to live like this.

One day, as we were talking about how hard my job was, I casually said to my mother, "You know, I sometimes wonder if I'd be better off dead". I hadn't planned on saying it - it just sort of popped out. Non-Japanese people may find this hard to believe, but regardless of the fact that a daughter was expressing suicidal thoughts to her mother, I only expected her reply to be a typical Japanese response such as - just keep on trying your best; things might get better later; you'll get used to it - and so on. This was the standard approach in Japan to almost any difficult situation, and virtually the only approach available for poor people. But instead, my mother casually responded with, "But, if you feel like dying then it would be better to just quit". I never imagined I would hear such a thing. Just quit? Given the mental state I was in, these simple words were like being woken from a nightmare by a slap in the face. Such was the hypnotic conditioning I was under, that her simple answer to what I thought was a hopeless situation, shocked me - and essentially shocked me into a new mindset. So many questions now ran through my mind. Do you really mean it's okay to just quit? Can I do that? Won't everyone be upset? No one is depending on me to keep working? I have a choice? You mean I don't have to live up to everyone's expectations?

Of course, looking back on this with a more rational perspective, it's possible that more was going on in my subconscious than I realised at the time. Perhaps I unwittingly decided to confess these suicidal thoughts to my mother, and as people often do when they have something overwhelming to discuss, I ironically chose to express my deepest fears in a casual, light-hearted manner. Perhaps I was actually hoping Mum would be shocked enough to come to my rescue and give me a way out, as she did. Someone else was now telling me I should quit, and maybe this was what my subconscious mind had been wanting to hear for a long time, because it suddenly removed all the responsibility for any decision making from my shoulders, and meant I wouldn't be accountable for any consequences alone.

Whatever the actual mental dynamics of the situation were, that's how all of a sudden four years of hell ended. Those simple words from my mother turned out to be the major turning point of my life. Now that I had been snapped out of my hypnosis, I began to feel free and empowered. I started to plan my escape, and I was going to make it a long one, to a far away place.

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hi, Terri. It's me again - future you. Are you free?

Hello again. Yes, I'm free. Just dreaming my life away.

Aahh, interesting expression. Another John Lennon song, right?

What do you mean? Is it?... Oh, that's right. Yes. From... what song is it?... "Watching the Wheels", right?

Yes, very good. I see your many hours of listening to the radio have paid off. The full lyric is, "People say I'm lazy, dreaming my life away. Well they give me all kinds of advice, designed to enlighten me."

Oh... that's an interesting coincidence, isn't it?

Yes, you noticed that too? It's what I'm doing with you really - giving you all kinds of advice, designed to enlighten you.

But in my case I like the advice. And it does enlighten me.

Thank you very much. That's good to hear.

You're welcome, ma'am. So, what advice from the future do you have for me this time?

Well, that's another synchronicity. Because tonight's theme involves John Lennon, and how he helped you last night.

How John Lennon helped me? Oh... of course... I see. You mean in the car, right?

Yes. And so tonight I wanted to talk about your work at the bank. This topic is a big one, right?

Yes. Overwhelmingly big. I hate it.

Good.

Good?

Yes. That means there's a lot to learn from this. It'll be a long one, so let's get started. First, I'll tell you the themes surrounding your working life at the bank that we'll explore.

Oh, okay. Go ahead.

There's four of them. Obligation. Self-expression. Embarrassment. Victimhood.

Wow. Did all those things happen to me?

They didn't 'happen to you'. You experienced them, or chose them, or attracted yourself to them. Unlike most of the other events we've talked about when you were younger, now that you're an adult I'm going to focus more on your role as an active participant in, or 'creator' of, your reality, not so much as just someone that terrible things happened to.

Oh... really? I don't know if I like the sound of that so much...

Don't worry, you'll be fine. This philosophy that I'm learning, and now teaching you, is all about personal responsibility for your own life. The universe is set up so that the vibrations you give off will then attract you to situations of similar or related vibration. And your vibration is determined by your thoughts and beliefs. So no matter what happens in your life, both the cause and the solution of the matter is found within your own thoughts and beliefs. Learning this, and acknowledging this, and then acting on this, is how you make your life better.

Hmm... I'd prefer to think that someone else caused the bad situation.

Yes, most people do. But you shouldn't want to see it that way, really.

Why not? It looks that way. Other people do and say things that then cause a bad thing to happen. They should just stop doing that. I don't do such things.

Well, look at it this way. Let's say you had two lives to choose from. One is a life where a lot of people you come across make you feel bad, and you have to then either 'fix' each of them so that doesn't happen again in the future, or just put up with feeling bad. And 'fixing' someone means you have to have a discussion, or an argument, or a fight to convince, coerce, or cause them to change. And each time you go somewhere new, or meet someone new, similar things continue to happen, so you have to then apply the same methods to 'fix' them too. But a lot of these people will not stay 'fixed'. They'll eventually repeat the same behaviour, possibly many times, and you'll have to fix them all over again. And this goes on for maybe eighty years. Of course, if you don't try to fix them, then you'll have eighty years of putting up with feeling bad. How does that sound?

Sounds like hell. I think I'd choose to avoid those people altogether.

Good luck with that. There's billions of people in the world, and one hundred million just in your country alone. You're likely to meet thousands of people in your lifetime.

Okay. Well, what's the other life I have to choose from?

The other life is one where a lot of people you come across still make you feel bad, but to make sure that doesn't happen again in the future, you only ever have to 'fix' one person. The same one person each time for your whole life. And that person is infinitely cooperative. They will agree with everything you think, and be willing to do whatever you decide, and they will always like you, no matter what. And not only that, but each time you fix them, it will make it easier to fix them again next time, and less likely that you will need to fix them in the future. You may even find it becomes fun to fix them, because you will look forward to the enjoyable changes that occur. So, how does that life sound?

Sounds like heaven. And it sounds ridiculously easier than the other life.

Yes, doesn't it? I guess I don't have to ask who you think that one person is that you fix?

No, I get it. It's myself, right? But are you saying that such a life is possible?

Yes. That's how it was supposed to be. But it's no wonder that people don't know this. They've been taught to either fight or put up with things from a young age. People consider their thoughts and beliefs to be something that happens only AFTER what they see occurring in their world. They haven't learnt that their thoughts and beliefs are already AT THIS MOMENT attracting to them the situations in which they will soon find themselves. Your thoughts and beliefs act like fishing bait. You throw them out into the world, they hook onto a situation that matches their vibration, and you reel that situation into your experience, either consciously or unconsciously.

And so what should we do instead?

Here's what you should do:

1) Be aware of the thoughts and beliefs you have, especially the ones you keep thinking over and over. If they make you feel bad, that's a sign that they are not a vibrational match to your higher self. This means you're looking at things the wrong way. Wrong in the sense that it's out of sync with who you really want to be.

2) Analyse the beliefs that lay behind these thoughts. Ask yourself, "What must I believe is true in order to make me think this way?". The answer to this will show you the beliefs and definitions you are operating on \- the things that you assume are true - and ideas that you take for granted and never question.

3) Given that these beliefs or definitions lead you to unhappiness, consider if you can change them. Create new definitions for yourself. You'll find that most of the definitions people operate under, were given to them by their parents and society from a young age, and are usually fear-based. But they are just one of many options available. Different people will have different definitions. So you can pick and choose your own personal definitions and beliefs, and create ones that more closely resemble who you really want to be.

4) Use these new definitions to create new thoughts. Thoughts that make you feel good, which are a sign that you are now locked on to the signal from your higher self. Practise thinking and visualising these thoughts, with the intention that these are now new vibrations that are attracting new situations.

Hmm... Our church also teaches about positive thinking, but it just seems to be covering up your real thoughts and pretending.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. This is not just positive thinking. I'm not talking about ignoring, denying, or glossing over something negative that may happen. Positive thinking is usually just the pretense of new feelings, without first understanding or dealing with the actual feelings you are experiencing. I'm talking about knowing the very mechanism behind your feelings and choices, and ridding yourself of undesirable or wrong beliefs that cause you to feel bad. I'm talking about changing the very engine of creation in the universe, which is vibration. Positive thinking doesn't change the vibrations you are sending, and you can't fool the universe, because it only responds to your true vibrations. Changing your true vibrations will change who you are at the fundamental level. From the universe's point of view you will then be a different person, and you will have a different experience. As an analogy, positive thinking by itself is like looking forward to winning the lottery, whereas what I'm teaching you is like a child looking forward to a birthday present they know is coming.

So I don't have to 'pretend to be happy' or anything then? If that's true, then thank God. That's much better. It's very tiring to pretend to have feelings you don't really have, just so other people will not get upset.

Or, pretending to have feelings you don't really have in order to protect yourself from embarrassment. That's one of the themes I wanted to talk about \- embarrassment.

Embarrassment? Where does that come in?

The door-to-door sales. You were embarrassed to be annoying people, and embarrassed to be sort of 'begging', shall we say.

Oh, I see. Well, yes, of course. It is humiliating. And also a nuisance for people to be disturbed at home.

Well, yes, but as far as 'nuisances' go it's a pretty small one. They only have to go and answer their door, and then say "I'm not interested". But that part of it is their experience, and I want to focus on your experience of humiliation. That's actually a 'choice' of yours to feel that way. There are many sales people in the world who don't feel that way at all. Sales by itself doesn't have to be either begging or forcing people to do something they don't want to. You could choose to see it as simply a human interaction, similar to a waitress offering food to a customer.

_But a customer in a restaurant_ _wants_ _to be there. These people didn't come to me._

No, but everyone does actually use banks and bank products. It's not as if you're trying to sell something weird.

Well, it's just embarrassing to even go up to a stranger and talk to them anyway, let alone trying to sell them something.

Exactly. That's the crux of the matter. In your society you have learnt that talking to a stranger is a very embarrassing thing, and also that interacting with them, in almost any manner at all, is causing a nuisance. You see, these are the beliefs or definitions I mentioned. Every culture has them of course. But there are people in the world who interact freely with each other, even suddenly popping in to a strangers house as if it was their own, and this is considered 'normal' for them. The whole society is like one family. They wouldn't understand your feelings of separation from others at all. So I want you to see that these 'definitions' and 'beliefs' are actually 'choices'. True, it is hard not to adopt the definitions imposed on you from a young age, but nevertheless, they are not fixed like a law of nature, or a mountain that you can't move. Once you become aware of them, review them to see if they represent your true vibration. Do they make you feel good or bad? If bad, how would you change them so that you would feel good? What's a more appropriate definition for you that represents your true self?

Sounds simple, but it feels like it would be hard to do.

Yes, you have been practising the other belief everyday for your whole life, so it seems firmly fixed. And, out of habit it will naturally occur to you first. But by becoming aware of it, and consciously stopping yourself each time it occurs, you can adopt a new habit. After all, look at the other aspect of this which many people would be embarrassed about, but you were not.

What's that?

The sales graph in the staff room. There are many salespeople in the world for whom such a graph is a constant humiliation in the face of their peers. However, you are always at zero, yet not the slightest bit embarrassed by this. In fact, you can mention it with a laugh. Why is that?

Well... because I don't care about it. I never wanted to be a salesperson anyway. And I'm already doing so much other work and overtime for the bank, that I don't think it matters about the sales. The sales are just an obstacle to my real job. Plus, I don't envy people who are good at sales.

Exactly. These are all beliefs and definitions that you have. And the reason they allow you to feel calm, at ease and free of embarrassment, is because these beliefs are in tune with your higher self. Your higher self is not trying to lead you towards being a salesperson, or to compete with others. And your higher self is happy that you feel confident about your significant contribution to the bank already.

Right. Yes... I think I see. That does make some sense. Yes, I think I'm starting to see what you mean. It's about becoming aware of what your true self feels, and then behaving like that, right? Although, that would be a lot easier if there were no other people around.

Yes, you could summarise it that way. It may be hard to do it initially, but it will become easier and easier, and also enjoyable as you start to see the positive changes that occur.

Well... it can't hurt to try I guess. If I don't try something new the same things will just keep happening, right?

Yes, they will. The universe is fairly consistent that way. So then... ready for the next theme?

Yes, okay.

Obligation. A big one for us Japanese people. Having to do something because other people need you to, even though you don't want to.

Right. I think I know what the answer will be, but I'll ask anyway. How does that apply to this situation?

You feel obligation in two directions. Toward your family because they need the money, and also toward the bank because you have to do what they tell you.

Yes, I'm between a rock and a hard place again.

But ask yourself this - do you think your higher self wants you to be in that position?

No, I guess not. She just wants me to be happy, right?

She wants you to be YOU. The REAL you. And the real you IS happiness itself.

Okay. But what choice do I have? I'd have to ignore one of those obligations.

Well, let's examine the beliefs behind the feeling of obligation that you have. Why do you believe your family needs you to bring that money home?

Because we are poor, and the money I bring home helps pay for things, and makes life easier.

It doesn't make life easier for you! And your family got by before you worked at the bank. It seems clear you recognise the value of money, but you don't place a high value on your happiness. Do you think your happiness is something you can continue to give away, as if it's an unlimited resource?

Well, obligation is about sacrificing yourself for others.

Is it? What if I was to tell you that the greatest benefit to other people comes when you fulfill the only real obligation you have, which is to yourself. You aren't responsible FOR other people, you are only responsible TO them. It's your responsibility TO them to be your true self, and allow others to be their true self. This is what allows the greatest happiness to occur. You are all pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. Don't try and change your shape, or the shape of others, to fit where you don't belong. Being your true shape and going where you belong, allows the whole system to be the best it can be. Believe me, your parents don't prefer you to be miserable. You being happy and healthy and enjoying life, is worth more to them than the extra money. And part of your responsibility TO others, is to let them know how you are feeling. This is important information for them, and allows them to make the decisions they prefer, rather than becoming a cause of your misery.

Well... does that also apply to my obligations to the bank? I still have to do what they tell me to do, don't I?

No, of course you don't.

What!? How can I not do what they say? I'd get fired.

Then let them fire you. That's their choice and you have to allow them that. But there is no reason for you to suppress or ignore your true self just because you are employed somewhere. Your higher self doesn't take a break during your work time. She is calling for you to be happy twenty-four hours a day.

So then, what should I do that I'm not doing now?

Just tell them honestly the things you don't want to do. Tell them you have too much work and need some help. Have a negotiation about your role and tasks. But have the negotiation from your position of power - the position of your higher self - not as an inferior person who has no choices available. You may be very surprised how accommodating they can be if they thought you would leave.

And what if they aren't accommodating?

Then leave. So what? Do you truly think your job at that little bank branch is the only role available for you in this world? Do you truly believe the mistaken expectations of others - those who consider working at a bank to be a prestigious position - is more important to consider than your own actual experience of the reality of that position? Those thoughts are closing off all the other infinite choices you have. What would you think of a child who goes to a candy store and ignores the candy they really want to eat, and only eats what others say is the best candy?

Hmm... sounds pretty stupid when you put it like that.

Looks pretty stupid too, from the higher self's point of view.

Really? Does she think I'm stupid?

No, not really. I was being facetious. The higher self doesn't have that vibration. They see everything in the movie as valid.

That's good. Well... okay then. So... is that enough about obligation for now? What was the next theme?

Self-expression. Although, we have kind of covered it already. If you simply told both your family and the bank what you really feel, the situation would change. Here's why self-expression is important. Think of your physical body as a pipe through which energy is supposed to pass. Energy comes into your body from higher levels, and then must pass out into the physical world. Holding in your true feelings prevents a smooth, clear flow of energy from your higher self. If you suppress your true feelings, or block them off, you not only cause stress within the body, but limit the amount of positive energy you can continue to receive. Another perspective of self-expression is that it is your responsibility TO other people, to let them know who it is they are truly dealing with. This allows both you and them to play your true roles in the world.

But Japanese people don't do that. We're the culture that hammers down a nail that sticks up. I'd be punished for speaking out.

It doesn't have to be done as a confrontation. Your self-expression doesn't have to come from fear and be expressed as anger. You'd be surprised how people may respond positively, when you simply and calmly express your opinion and preferences in every situation. And yes, Japanese society is similar in many ways to the military, but you won't actually be physically punished. You'll just be presented with different choices and options. You can then see these options as if they're road signs showing you a new direction. If you come from your center, from your position of power connected to the vibration of your higher self, the various choices that present themselves will be to your benefit to follow. Even if you got fired from the bank, just see that as a road sign redirecting you to a new location where you then have infinite choices available.

Well, it all sounds good in theory, but I guess I'd have to try it first in order to see if it works or not. I think I'd be pretty nervous about it though.

Yes, that's a natural reaction to something new. Try it with small things first that you can do without much fear, in order to build up your confidence with it. You certainly don't want to try creating things from a vibration of negativity and fear. Actually, visualisation is a good technique to do before you carry out anything in the real world.

Visualisation? What's that?

Just seeing things happening in your mind first. Simply using your imagination to see whatever it is you're attempting, and then seeing yourself achieve the perfect result you want. Actually act it out in your mind first, and experience the positive emotions that go with it. Spiritually speaking, not only is this a method of creating or attracting yourself to the actual situation you hope for, but in many ways your physical body and mind cannot tell the difference between that which you just imagine experiencing, and that which actually occurs in the real physical world. So visualisation can give your body and mind the sense of having already had the experience before, and then when you actually come to do it in the real world, it's as if you're not doing it for the first time anymore, but more with the feeling of a 'veteran', or an expert.

Hmm... Well, that sounds easier than actually doing it, anyway. Just sit and imagine it, right? I guess nothing could go wrong with that.

No, and it's fun actually. So... okay then... that'll do for self-expression. Well, now we come to the last theme. And it's a big one too. Victimhood. Or, having a 'victim complex'. You might have some resistance to hearing it though, because it places a lot of responsibility on you to not feel like a victim, rather than on others as being victimizers.

But I AM a victim! A lot of bad things happen to me, and I can't do anything about it because other people have all the power to decide things. I usually just have to put up with things. Grin and bear it, so to speak.

Yes, that has been your experience, and it's normal to feel that way. And I understand why you feel that way. In fact, I also still often feel that way. It's very common. You feel like you're between a rock and a hard place, and that you have no choices. What I'm going to say is not that those things haven't happened, and not that your experience hasn't been what you remember it to be. But what I am going to say is that you always have power. You are not powerless to affect your situation. You have in fact given up your power, partly by being taught to do so, and partly willingly.

Why would I give up power if I had it? That's the feeling I hate - not having power.

Well, perhaps in your case it may be more accurate to say that you have not recognised your power. You always have power, in the sense that you have the ability to choose your actions, words and thoughts. And it's these that then create the reality you experience.

I don't know... I think other people's words and actions create my reality, and then that affects my thoughts.

I can see you don't want to let go easily. And that's understandable given your life experience so far. But look at it this way. Let's just try a new way of thinking about your life. How about we just investigate a new paradigm? Because, if you continue with the same way of thinking and acting, the only possible result will be that the same things will continue to happen. Even if you doubt its effectiveness, it would be a good idea to at least try a new way, in the hope that something will change. Then if you don't like it, you can always go back to your regular way of thinking. What do you think about that approach?

Hmm... I guess that makes sense. And I know you only want what's best for me.

Yes, thank you. And that's true, of course - I do only want what's best for you. So, stay with me as I describe the concept, because I know this can really help you. Okay? Here it is. When presented with options, people will always choose the option that is less painful. They will always move toward that which is most comfortable. If they are still choosing something that is painful or uncomfortable, that means the other options are more painful or more uncomfortable to them. So the question for you that begs to be asked is - what is it about staying at the bank, that makes you find that to be the most comfortable option? Is there a vested interest in maintaining the belief that you're trapped, and a victim of circumstances? Is there some kind of pay off you get from staying there?

Well... I don't know. It seems unlikely that I would think that, though. Do I have to answer that now? Can you just tell me what you think it is?

Okay. It's possible that you have unconsciously learnt that being a victim gets you what you need, because you don't get what you need any other way.

What I need? What's that? What do I need?

All the positive feelings of attention, love, sympathy, compliments, approval, pride, and so on. In your family you never receive these feelings directly, but people will feel sorry for you if you're in a tough situation. People will compliment you if you're working hard. People will feel proud of you if you're sacrificing yourself. Also, Dad would always complain if you weren't doing something 'useful' around the house, right? So in that sense, you may have learnt subconsciously to show that you are suffering in order to receive his approval, even though consciously you were just avoiding his wrath.

Hmm... I don't know what to say to that. It's complicated, and I've never thought of it before. But... I also feel that there could be some truth to it.

Those indirect feelings you have learnt to receive, will attract you to continue victimhood even though it's painful, and you will subconsciously look for ways to be a victim in many situations. There is a 'payoff' to it. Plus, the more you do it the more it becomes a habit, and it becomes ingrained behaviour. It becomes your very nature to seek it out sometimes.

Well... even if that's all true, what do I do about it? Can I change myself after all these years? What's the new way to think?

I'm glad you're investigating it. First, learn to give YOURSELF the feelings you wanted to get from others, and deserved to get. They have their own reasons for not being able to express those feelings to you, and you don't need them to approve of you as long as YOU approve of you. Get in touch with your higher self more, and you will receive those feelings you want in such a powerful way that you will hardly be able to stand it, and you won't miss them not coming from others.

Okay, I can try that I guess.

Second, when you take action, don't do so while thinking such things as I'm a victim; I'm afraid; I need help; poor me; etc. Do so from a position of internal power, by knowing your own truth and desires, and declaring them with absolute certainty any time the opportunity presents itself. Again, not in a confrontational way. You are not trying to overcome anyone. Just quietly and confidently, because THAT'S WHO I AM. Decide that there simply is no other option than to be the real you. After all, the universe and your higher self have a role for you, so who are you to sabotage that by placing other people's requirements for you at a higher priority? Other people don't know what is best for you.

But... do you really think I would be able to do that? It doesn't sound like me anymore.

Maybe not at first, but if your mind is able to contain the concept, then you are able to feel the vibration of it, and then that will attract you to that reality where you are able to do it.

I keep forgetting about vibration...

The other important thing, is to have no preconceived requirement for what the outcome will be. Every event contains the potential to be experienced as positive or negative, and you can always choose the positive meaning of any outcome. Again, declare to yourself that whatever the outcome, I will use that outcome in a positive and beneficial way because THAT'S WHO I AM. This is my new identity, and my previous identity was a different person. My previous identity was an actor, performing for others. My new identity is real, and only obeys the call of my higher self.

Well, I hope others will cooperate with the new me. I still have to live and work with them. I don't know how they will react.

No need to think about other people's opinions or reactions. Your thoughts are the only thing you need to focus on in any situation. If you're true to yourself, your vibration will attract others to you that are cooperative, and that do react well to you.

But if I quit the bank, or get fired, I can't help but worry about what happens then. What other options are there? Just some other job? If I go to an interview they'll wonder why I left the bank.

You will never see all the other options that are available - and they are available - unless you first become the same vibration as them. They will exist in another reality that you can't see. And you can't wait for them to appear first. You have to change your vibration, and then later those options will appear to you. And when they do, you have to ACT AND BELIEVE that there is always a positive outcome available for you. This is crucial. Not just positive thinking as a cover-up. It's only a fundamental change at the vibrational level that the universe will respond to. Know that every situation is simply a neutral event which is the result of your vibrations thus far. You can choose either a negative or a positive interpretation of that event, but remember that whatever new vibration you choose to broadcast out into the world, will then create your next reality.

Well, I know I'm actually sleeping at the moment, but all this has tired me out! Will I be able to assimilate everything you have said? Will it filter through to the physical me when I wake up?

Of course. In fact, it's all information that you actually already know. All I'm doing is reminding you of knowledge that is just temporarily hidden. When you have a clear connection to your higher self, you can get all this information as one single block of thought in a one second download.

Download? What's that?

Oh, that's right. That's a new word in the future. In the future we 'download' all the time using computers. It means getting information from some other computer to be sent to your computer. The opposite also exists - 'upload' - when you send information from your computer to another one.

I see. Does everyone have computers in the future?

Yes. In fact you will have many of them. It becomes a sort of hobby for you.

Really? That sounds cool. I'd like to hear more about that, but actually I'm too tired to try and trick more information out of you about the future. Maybe next time?

Hahaha, we'll see. There may be some things I can tell you that the 'time travel police' won't arrest me for.

Hehehe. Okay. I don't want you to get into trouble.

Well then... that was quite a long session tonight, wasn't it? I hope I haven't worn you out. Thanks for sticking with it. Don't get a headache thinking too much about it.

Hahaha, no, I won't. I'll just 'vibrate' as if I already know it.

Ah, very clever. That's an excellent idea, actually. It may just work. Well then... I'll say Good night, I guess. Sleep tight. Pleasant dreams.

Thanks. You too. Good night, future Terri.

Good night, young Terri.

* * * *

Joined in Matrimony by Split Personality

This next event occurred when one of my best friends that I had known for years, and had now spent almost one year with overseas, suddenly one night began to exist in a completely different reality to mine.

By this time I was now twenty-three years old. After quitting my job at the bank in 1989, I travelled to Australia on a one year working-holiday program, together with two friends from school. After about nine months had passed, and the holiday having gone very well so far, because the one year visa was coming to an end, my friend, Aki, was preparing to go on a final trip around Australia before returning to Japan. The night before leaving on the final trip, she had come to stay at the apartment I shared, and we were both sleeping in my room.

Suddenly however, sometime in the pre-dawn hours, what seemed like my own personal 'Twilight Zone' episode started, and continued in various forms for the next couple of weeks. Around 5 a.m., I was suddenly shocked awake by Aki, leaning out of the window of the bedroom and shouting repeatedly, "Help me! Help me!". In my still semi-conscious state it took some time to make sense of what was going on. But once I gathered my thoughts, I then had to think of how to approach her, because I remembered that Aki had a mental illness, and that she would sometimes have paranoid delusions.

Aki had said a long time ago that the original cause of her illness was the U.S. Space Shuttle Challenger explosion in 1986! I'm guessing that probably wasn't the actual cause, but if she'd been living with this for the past four years, then the tablets she normally took did a fantastic job of controlling it, because I had never seen any sign of the illness in all the time I had known her. But, stupidly, she had stopped taking the medicine recently due to a misguided sense of self-confidence, perhaps brought on by the excitement of living overseas.

Anyway, that night there was nothing I could do except try to calm her down and be a sounding board for her unstable ranting, which went on for hours. Anyone who has had experience in dealing with someone with a mental illness, will know how incredibly mentally exhausting this can be. You can't just ignore them, but you also can't fully engage in the random conversation, so you are pulled in two opposite directions trying to do a little of both. And in my case I was a first timer, suddenly thrown into it after being woken up in the pre-dawn hours of the morning. The whole experience was frightening as well as exhausting. But there was nothing else I could do. I just had to wait until morning before I could get any help.

During that time, as I waited for an acceptable hour to telephone people, Aki had tossed a small clock at me, and thrown a fork at some Russian painters who had arrived early to paint the walls, turning the situation into a black comedy. The Russian painters told me she was "crazy". "Yes, I already know", I replied. (Strangely enough, later in life I have another friend that's fascinated by the Russia-Japan war of 1904).

Finally an acceptable hour to call people had arrived, and my first call was to our fellow traveller and friend, Mayumi, who came over straight away for moral support. But I knew we had to get Aki to a hospital, or some sort of psychiatric medical center, as soon as possible. So the second call was to my Australian boyfriend (who later became my husband), to ask him to go through the phone book to find some kind of clinic in our area that would see her. After finding and then visiting that clinic, the doctor there introduced us to the nearest mental health hospital, which unexpectedly became Aki's and my new home for the next couple of weeks. The doctor there decided that since Aki was a foreigner with limited English ability, she shouldn't be alone in her current state, and requested that I stay with her at the hospital. Within a period of a few hours, I had suddenly found myself a tenant at a psychiatric facility in a foreign country.

For me, the stay at the psychiatric hospital nearly drove me crazy. It was like the first sleepless night repeated endlessly, over and over. Aki was continuously talking nonsense, and having delusions that the CIA or FBI were after her, and that she was having a relationship with the Canadian singer, Bryan Adams. And our other friend, Mayumi, turned out not to be such great moral support after all. When Aki would say the CIA were coming, Mayumi would wonder out loud to me, "But Terri, what if what she's saying is true?". Aaarrgggh! I screamed silently. Get a grip! One mentally challenged patient on my hands was enough. To top it all off, there was also a sudden surprise visit from another patient, a middle-aged man, randomly walking around naked and confused.

However, thankfully, as time passed and the regular tablets took effect, Aki started to become more stable, and I was able to relax a bit and enjoy the free meals paid for by her insurance. Eventually the hospital was able to get in contact with Aki's regular doctor and her parent's in Japan, and it was decided that rather than force an unwanted decision on her to return home early, to instead let her stay in Australia until her visa expired, have the final trip around Australia that she was looking forward to, and then just return to Japan as planned. And fortunately, without any further incident, that's how it turned out in the end, and I was forever thankful for the power of little pills.

As a positive conclusion, due to the interruption to my working-holiday that this situation had caused, I was the only one among my circle of friends who was allowed to extend their visa beyond the normal one year limit. Thanks to a well-written letter by my boyfriend explaining my sorry tale, the lady at the Department of Immigration took pity on me and quickly granted me the extra three months saying, "Oh, you poor thing", as she stamped the visa extension. This caused my friends to nickname me 'Lucky Terri', but for me it was not really a case of good luck, but more a case of bad luck finally ending, and simply returning to normality after having been through some weird, parallel reality.

In the end, there turned out to be one more, very significant, positive conclusion. The extra time granted by the three month visa extension, allowed me and my boyfriend to first begin living together, and then to make plans to return to Japan together, where we eventually lived for six years, during which time we travelled to Paris to get married, and gave birth to our two sons. Because of this, Aki now tells me that our marriage was all thanks to her, and that she was our 'cupid' - albeit an unintentional one.

Conversation With My Childhood Self:

Hi, Terri, it's me calling.

Hi, big sister. Good to hear you again.

Big sister? You haven't called me that before.

He-he-he, no. But I thought I'd try it. Even though I know you are actually me, you're still sort of like a big sister because you're older. And wiser, too. Plus, because I'm the oldest in my family I've never had a big sister, so I thought it might be interesting to say it.

Ah, I see. That's interesting. Okay, if you want to call me that I don't mind, of course. Although, still remember that all the things I teach you aren't really coming from someone 'wiser'. They are still contained within you. This is just a method by which you can access the information you yourself contain, but in a way that you can easily believe. Usually people don't believe they have the answers to their questions already inside them, and they need to find an external source from which to get the answers - one that makes it easy for them to believe the answers will come - such as another person, or a teacher, or a guru, or a book.

Huh? But I am actually getting all these lessons and answers from you, aren't I? How am I teaching myself?

Because your higher self - your true self - already knows everything you want to know. But people don't have a clear connection to their higher self because either they don't know it exists, or don't believe it exists, or don't know how to connect with it. People don't believe that they can access all the information they want, but it's this believability which is so necessary in order to access it. Believing something makes you vibrate that way, and since you experience what you vibrate, you will experience what you believe. And conversely, you will not experience what you don't believe. So your higher self finds other ways to get the information to you, and this is done by attracting to yourself some method or person that you are able to believe in easily. This then allows you to become the vibration necessary to access the information you want. The same thing happens with healers. A healer helps you believe you can be healed, and that belief leads to actual healing. But you are still healing yourself.

So the higher self sort of tricks us into believing we can do something?

Not 'tricks you', but just finds the 'path of least resistance'. Or to put it another way, the 'path of greatest acceptance'. That's what every good teacher does.

I see. But wouldn't it be better if we never lost our connection to our higher self when we are born as a human? It's hard to connect with the higher self because we're separated from it here as a person on Earth.

Oooh, that's a big question, actually. That question goes to the whole cause and purpose of physical reality.

Really? I didn't think I was asking that big a question. I don't suppose there's a simple answer, then?

Well, first of all, there's a misconception that the higher self and the physical self are separate. It can be experienced like that, but they are actually one and the same existence. The physical self is just the higher self expressing itself in a physical way. The physical self is like a role the higher self plays. For example, think of it like this. There's the 'real you' that you are when you're at home, by yourself, or with friends, right? But then there's also the 'work you' - the role you play while at work. However, while you are at work the 'real you' still exists, it's just that there's an additional role that you're playing. That's the same for the relationship between your non-physical higher self and your physical self. You are a temporary role played by your higher self.

So why do we feel separated if we are actually the same?

Well, the whole purpose in your higher self creating a physical version of itself and having this life on Earth, was to intentionally forget your true nature, experience the limitations of being physical, but then at the same time to increase your spiritual understanding, and thus come to remember once again your unlimited true nature.

What's the point in forgetting our true self and then remembering it again?

It may sound twisted, but there's great excitement in remembering something incredible, that can't otherwise be experienced if you don't first forget it. Think of it as if a rich person wanted to experience what it's like to be poor. They could pretend to be poor for a week or so, but as long as they know that they are actually rich, the experience will never be genuine or feel real. So in order to have a true experience of being poor, the rich person would have to forget that they are rich. They'd have to purposely cause themself to have amnesia, or use hypnosis to forget their true identity. Plus, by making themself forget who they really are, they then create for themself an incredibly ecstatic experience when they finally do remember that they are actually rich. And that's a kind of complete and total experience that cannot be gained any other way.

Hmm... Once again it all sounds confusing and weird, yet at the same time seems to make some sense. It sounds like I'm hearing something that's true, but I'm just not used to it yet.

Yes, that's because you're in two worlds, really. There's the physical you and all the things you've learnt as a human, but now the higher you is starting to come through, and there's a kind of 'merging' going on. So just let that merging be part of the fun of the process.

Okay then, I can do that. I'll just let it sit for a while. So... what shall we talk about this time?

Yes, we better get on to that. Let's talk about our friend, Aki, and what happened to her and you the last few weeks.

Oh, of course. Okay then. Yes, that was very strange. And exhausting.

This time it's something that didn't happen to you directly, but you were part of it. So we can talk about what it was that happened, and how you may have attracted yourself to it.

Did I do that? Attract myself to it? I guess I must have, since you say that everything works that way - with vibration and thoughts.

Yes. You have to be giving off a similar or related vibration in order to experience something, but there can also be a bigger plan at work - one that was organised long before.

A bigger plan? Organised by who?

Yes, a plan organised by you before you were born. A plan for your life. What you wanted to experience.

I don't think I've heard about that before, have I? Have you told me that before? Isn't everything determined by our thoughts and free will after we are born?

The details are determined by your free will as you're living your physical life, but the general concepts and experiences that you wish to explore are decided prior to becoming physical.

Really? So does that mean there are things we can't change then?

Well, you wouldn't want to change them, since you as your higher self chose them out of excitement and joy as something you wanted to experience. But actually in this age - what they call the 'age of awakening' - we have the potential to perhaps change these prior decisions, because we are all becoming closer to realising the connection to our higher selves. So if you and your higher self become one, then you could change these choices. But generally speaking, no, you don't change these themes. These are themes that will be explored in your life. However, they are general concepts, and done in agreement with others. Think of it as if you've planned to go to an amusement park and meet certain people at certain times, but exactly what you do there and how you do it is still up to you at that time.

I see, I guess. But hang on... in agreement with others? You mean the other people we meet here on Earth?

Yes. It's all a 'big day out' together.

So are you saying that me and Aki planned for this to happen? That she would get sick here in Sydney and I'd look after her?

Well, that can be tricky. Trying to determine exactly what was planned before you were born, and then what was caused by your vibrations as a physical being after you are born, can be difficult. But my guess is that what happened with Aki was attracted to you by your vibrations, and it was just one of many possible ways to allow something bigger to happen. And it's that bigger thing that was organised before you were born.

What bigger thing?

Hmm... Well, I probably shouldn't tell you about that yet. Let me think on it for a while.

Oh, I see. It's one of those future things that are secret, right? Okay then. I'll remind you later, just in case you forget. But how did my vibrations attract what happened with Aki? That just came out of the blue. I wasn't thinking about anything like that.

Well, one idea is that it's possible you were looking for some task to do, as a way to help the world. When you first arrived in Australia you were still keen about your religion, and in following it's teachings you looked for some way to help the world, right? But as time went by, and you became absorbed in having fun with your friends and working at the Japanese language school, the old feelings of guilt that you learnt from the church began to creep in. And sometimes you may have been worried about the karmic punishment that your religion teaches will happen if you don't live the 'good life'. The hold that a religion can have on you is very powerful, even when you think you're quite separated from it.

Well... that could be true, I guess. I can see that I could have had those thoughts. But then how does that lead to Aki getting sick?

Well, it didn't directly lead to Aki getting sick, but it led to you attracting yourself to the situation where Aki got sick. Aki getting sick was a whole situation for herself. But for you, it served as both the karmic punishment that you were afraid of, and also as a way to do service to the world by sacrificing yourself to help another. So it's possible you were vibrating those feelings strongly enough to attract that scenario to you.

Oh, my God! You have to be careful then, don't you? That almost makes me afraid of my thoughts.

No, no, no. Being afraid or feeling that you have to be careful will attract you to other negative situations. You just need to be AWARE of your thoughts and feelings, not afraid of them. Just make it a habit to look at yourself from outside, and then analyse your thoughts and the definitions behind them. Do it with positivity and hopefulness. After all, once you realise how you are thinking and why, then you can change it.

I guess we humans are not used to analysing our thoughts. They just happen to us as we react to what we see, and so we assume that it's what we see that causes the thoughts and feelings.

Yes, it can appear to be that way. I sometimes think that if the kind of dreams we had were determined by the thoughts and emotions we have immediately before sleeping, then people would pay close attention to their emotions and thoughts, and clear them up before going to bed. If you thought that by having negative or angry emotions you would then definitely have nightmares that night, people would soon pay close attention to their thoughts and definitions.

Well then, why doesn't life work that way? Why is there a time lag between our vibration and the reality it causes? That prevents people from seeing how it works, and causes them to continue to think negatively.

Yes, I often wondered that too. But it would be pretty chaotic if everything you thought became reality immediately. However, the time lag is very important for another reason. Part of the very reason for your higher self coming into a physical reality, was to experience the process by which creation comes about. To see cause and effect, development, growth, change, and so on. Ask any artist what part of the creative process they enjoy the most, and a majority will say the period where they can see their creation coming to life and know that their vision will be realised, rather than the actual final moment of completion. An artist doesn't create because the world requires another finished painting. They do it to experience the process of creating. That's where all the fun is.

So maybe we should think of our life as a work of art that we are creating.

Yes! Very good! That's an excellent observation. Because that's exactly what it's supposed to be. That's the original intention with which everyone and everything becomes physical. And it's the reason why people are drawn to creative work. When you do something creative you're mimicking your higher self - who created you and your life with the same enthusiasm as an artist - and in fact you're also mimicking the motivation of the original creator of the universe. You yourself are made from creative energy. That's why creative work is self-expression. And as in the world of art, you are not expected to plagiarise or make a forgery of your life by copying the lives of others. Don't just see someone that you think is successful and copy them. Be your own original artwork.

Oh, I like that idea. That's great. I really want to be able to live like that. And I'm willing to try it, but I'm afraid that I'll fall back into the regular patterns of behaviour I've learnt all these years.

That's okay. Don't resist that, because it's bound to happen. But now, after all these talks that we've had, and now that you're aware of what's happening and why, you can gradually change your habitual ways of thinking and acting by making a conscious change each time you catch yourself. Think of it like this. It's like being a drug addict going through withdrawal. You're naturally addicted to the ways of thinking and behaving that you've repeatedly exposed yourself to all your life, but now you've found a better way, and so you have to wean yourself off the old ways. There may be some painful resistance to ignoring the old ways each time something happens in your life, but these withdrawal pains will pass with time. And before long, you will have released the addiction and will have a brand new set of automatic behaviours that serve you a lot better.

Okay, I see what you mean. I can do that. Or at least I can try it. Otherwise, if I keep doing the same things, the same things will just keep happening, right?

That's right. Well, done. You know what? I can see that our ways of thinking are becoming closer and closer. Probably because you're basically half my age now, right?

Yeah, that's right. Oh... there's something I wanted to ask you... You first started coming to talk to me when I was just a child, and I'm twenty-four now. But how long has it been for you in your time since we started talking together?

For me? Oh... it's actually only been a couple of months. Let's see... two months and ten days to be exact. You've certainly grown quickly in that time!

Hahaha, yes. It hasn't been so quick for me though. Some parts I wish I could have skipped altogether!

Hahaha, yes, I can see what you mean.

So then... can I remind you of the 'bigger thing' you talked about before? Can you tell me something about that?

'Bigger thing'? Did I say something like that? I don't think I...

Yeah, yeah, nice try. But I can't let you go until I get at least a little 'sneak peek' at what that might be.

Hmm... Well, let's see... How do I put this?... Okay. I'll just say it this way. Aki getting sick allowed you to have an extra three months in Australia, right? That extra time meant that something that would have been only a small possibility, now became a strong certainty. Something that completely changes the course of your life.

Hmm... it's that 'something' that I want to know about though.

Yeah, I know. But, no, I can't do that to you. Do you remember I said long ago that telling you too much about your future would be like me opening your birthday presents?

Yes, and do you remember I said I never got birthday presents?

Oops! Yes, I remembered that again just as I finished saying it, sorry. Then how about I say it would be like telling you the result of the American Top 40 before you listened to it? After all, it's not just the result you want to experience, is it? You want to slowly experience the whole build up towards the result.

Yes, I knew what you meant of course. Well, I guess knowing that something big will come out of it allows me to have a positive interpretation of the whole situation. It's good to know that it probably happened for a reason.

Yes, and in fact later on Aki will make sure you remember that, too. She'll say it was thanks to her that this thing happened for you.

Aahh, really? Well, I'll be sure to look out for her saying that then.

Oh, but you won't remember the details of this conversation when you're awake. You might just get a sense of 'déjà vu' when she eventually says it, though.

Well, I'll be sure not to let her forget the rest of what happened!

Hahaha, yes. Good idea... Well, then... I guess that about covers everything, huh?

Yes, I suppose so.

So... Well... I guess it's finally come time for me to say goodbye, then.

What? Goodbye?... Don't you mean good night?

Well... I don't know... We've pretty much gone through all the big traumas and events of your life so far. You've become an adult now, and not so different from myself anyway. And I've told you basically all I have learnt myself, so I'm not sure you would need me that much anymore.

What!? What are you saying? But that's so sudden to just end everything here. I actually feel like I DO still need you. Even though the daytime me may not remember the actual talks we've had, I know it's helped her recover from things and built up her resistance to difficult events. And it's certainly made my dream time more fun and interesting. Couldn't you just come and talk anyway? Even if there's no traumatic event to talk about, we can still talk about good things that happen, or other people's lives, can't we?

Well...

Pleeezzz... Go on... Why not? It's too sudden to just end it all. What for?

Well... if the time travel police say it's okay then I guess we could continue.

Yes! Great! Okay, thank you. No, I'm sure they won't care. They must have more important things to do, anyway.

Hahaha. Yes, of course we can keep talking then. After all, all I have to do is just sit and meditate. And to be honest, there's just as much fun and benefit for me too, you know. Anything that's good for you is good for me. Because you ARE me. Anything I can teach you, helps me too. You always have been, and always will be, a part of me. But now, by contacting you this way, it means I can also become a part of you too. So that's a pretty wonderful feeling.

Yes, for me too. Normally people don't think much about their future self as a person. They think about their future plans of course, but not the actual person as an individual that they can relate to or communicate with. So... it's agreed then? We'll always be together?

Yes, we'll always be together. How could we not be? And why would we ever want to be otherwise?

Great! That's fantastic. Thank you. I must admit, you gave me a fright for a while there.

Did I? I'm sorry. Didn't mean to. Well, perhaps I'd better let you go back to sleep so you can recover then. It's been another long one, hasn't it?

Yes, okay.

Well then... I guess for the time being, and until the next time, I'll just say good night and pleasant dreams.

Okay then. Thanks again. I'm already looking forward to the next one. Don't make it too far away.

Okay, will do. So... good night then.

Good night, me.

Good night, you.

THE END

###

* * * *

Terri Hanrahan (née Yamaguchi) was born in Nagasaki in 1966, the eldest child in a very poor Japanese family of seven people, all living in an apartment the size of a one car garage. Her parents survived the Second World War as children (her mother witnessing the Nagasaki atomic bomb mushroom cloud from fifteen miles away), and then lived through the crippling wasteland of post-war Japan, but never benefitted from the country's great economic expansion in the 1960s and '70s. She moved to Australia in 1996, where she lives with her husband, Daniel, and their two sons, Satoru and Yukio.

* * * *

Thank you very much for reading our book, and we hope you enjoyed it.

Where to find Terri & Daniel Hanrahan online
