[Applause].
KATHERINE: Hi, thank you all so much for being
here. I'm so, so excited to give a talks at
this conference that I've admired the content
from afar for so very long now. Also, just
in case anyone is a little curious and minimised
awkward conversations later, I'm, in fact,
seven months pregnant! It is not just that
I ate too much butter and ice cream yesterday
at the studio tour, it's cool! So, yes, this
is like baby's first public speaking event.
Very cute! [Cheering]. So what I'm here to
discuss is basically my favourite frame for
asking differences in communication style.
I call it a cultural clash sometimes because
those clashes can lead to tension, especially
in the workplace, and so that is something
I will be trying to cover during this talk
as well. You know, I think a lot of times,
like, people can be very clear communicators
but only for like-minded people, and I figure
most of us, we want to do better than that.
We want to be clear communicators even with
folks that are different from us in some way.
So, let's jump in with an example. Let's say
this is you, and this is your friend Jamie.
Now, Jamie has a friend that you have never
met named Taylor. Taylor is going to visit
your city and needs a place to stay, but you
would rather not host a stranger. Understandably
enough. Yet, your friend asks you can Taylor
stay with you? What's your instinctual reaction
in your head? Not out loud, just in your head.
No big deal, I will just tell them no. Or
is it something more like, "Ooph, this kind
of puts me in a difficult position" if you
had the first reaction, that is ask culture.
If you had the second reaction, that is something
I would characterise as more on the guess
culture end of things. That's just a really
quick litmus test. Who identifies more with
ask culture? Okay. And then who maybe is more
on the side of guess culture? Ah,! Good to
know. Exactly. And if there are folks out
there that may not be sure, that is totally
fine as well. We will talk more in detail
about each side of these things. So, this
is kind of a brief outline of the different
topics that I'm going to be covering. We just
did this litmus test here. Now I'm going to
jump into a broad overview of each of these
cultures. So, as far as I can tell, this ask
versus guess culture description first game
up on a ask metafilter post in 2007. The way
it is described there is in some families,
you grow up with this expectation that it
is okay to ask for anything because you're
totally okay getting no for an answer as well.
So this is known as "ask culture". In other
families, or cultures, you try to avoid asking
unless you're pretty sure that the answer
is going to be yes. And the way you know if
the answer is going to be yes you put out
these delicate feelers out there, and if done
well, you won't even have to ask, you will
just get an offer. So this is another description
that someone pointed out to me that it could
also be described as "offer culture" versus
"guess culture" which I like also as a neutral
description of these differences. The thing
is, when someone makes an offer, there's more
to it which is that you have to use your judgment.
Were they just being polite? You want too
network you're not imposing on others, because
ultimately, there is a sense that putting
others in the position of having to say no
to you feels a little bit rude. There was
a talk at the Lead Developer New York edition
called "Congrats where you're the tech lead,
now what?" It's a really, really good talk.
One particular section I thought helped illustrate
this difference for me as well, she talked
about making sure to try to perceive the need,
and this was key. She said you need to try
to perceive the need so that don't have to
be rude and ask you for help or for the thing
that they need. I'm always noticing examples
like this where it comes up with, "Oh, yes,
this person is totally operating in this country
particular kind of culture versus something
that I might do in that instance, for example."
So, this is with a spectrum, not a dichotomy,
even though I use the word "versus" here.
Let's say computers are at the furthest extreme
where you have to spell everything out exactly,
right? Based on my own experience, different
regions in the US, for example, at different
points along the scale. I'm from the north-east,
and pretty much far on the left here of ask
culture. Places that have a really strong
reputation for being really nice tend to be
more on the guess-culture side of things.
This plays out globally as well been some
countries seem to have a culture of being
direct like Germans, probably, if there are
Germans in the audience, they usually agree
with me on this, while others might be more
indirect like in Japan. So definitely individuals
vary. This is not about stereotypes, these
are just kind of some patterns that I've observed.
After the last time I gave this talk, someone
introduced me to that Twitter account #veryBritishproblems.
Let's stick the UK somewhere along here. Right.
Again, even though I framed this as versus,
I really wanted to emphasise I'm only describing
this in terms of comparing and contrasting
and not that one is better than the other.
Just because you're more comfortable with
one doesn't automatically make it better in
all situations for all people. I feel that
we have responsibility to make sure that our
messages are received by others, and that
those others might be different from yourself.
From a practical standpoint, even if you secretly
think it would be so much better if everyone
operated the way I do, again, from a practical
standpoint, I think this is very useful for
understanding the other side and, again, getting
your message across. Let's go through a couple
more examples. This first one came from a
Medium piece I read a few years ago about
something the author called the "Seattle no".
I have also described this described as a
"Facebook maybe". Or a California "Yes." There
is quite a variety here. It goes something
like this. "I'm going to this party. Do you
want to come?" If the other person says anything
along the lines of, "That sounds you interesting,
I will have to check" or maybe something like,
"Maybe yeah, maybe." And then you never hear
from them again about it, this means no. And
the point that I'm trying to make is that
this is not necessarily obvious to all of
us. So here is another example from my personal
life. Normally, on the weekends, my husband
and I each cook one big meal to have leftovers
for the upcoming week. I was thinking through
my weekend and I said something along the
lines of, "I don't think I have time to make
lunch for next week" I was talking out loud
saying I need to figure something else for
that which he interpreted as, "Could you make
some extra meals so that I can have lunch?"
Then so he says, "I'm going to cook two meals
this weekend." I'm thinking, "That's kind
of weird, but okay, whatever." It's up to
him. And what I do not say is, "Oh, you don't
have to do that." Which is what he would be
expecting me to say if I wanted to refuse
this offer and I had seen it as connected
at all - he thought we were having one conversation,
I thought we were just exchanging statements
of fact sometimes! [Laughter]. So, as an end
result, at the end of that weekend, I'm over
here thinking, "Why do we have so much food
in the fridge?" And he's over there thinking,
"I'm such a good husband." [Laughter] He is,
but, you know! It's good for me! So now I
want to talk more about the pros and cons
of each of those cultures, and my aim is to
be as fair as possible to both given that
I definitely lean towards one side more than
another. So, on the ask culture side I have
things, I think it really prioritises efficiency
in knowing exactly where you stand. There's
very little ambiguity, very little interpretation
needed and sometimes you can also consider
that it may be transcends nationalities, but
one thing to point out is that people who
are guess culture do, in fact, feel like they
have clearly expressed their wishes even if
it is not explicitly in the words or vocabulary
that they used. You also at the end to get
what you want, or at least in the short-term
short term. If you end up asking for lots
of things, can come across as feeling a little
confrontational, and it can end up people
making feel a little uncomfortable, even alienate
them at times. Guess culture, on the other
hand, I think very much prioritises avoiding
hurt feelings or embarrassment from direct
confrontations. It is generally considered
more polite, and it's very expressive. You
say a lot because of all these items that
are really implicit in there. Guess culture,
however, I think really depends on this tight
net of shared expectations. You have to be
able to recognise the subtle signals that
people are sending and receiving, so this
is maybe not great, like folks for me that
are not necessarily always great at reading
those social cues, you know, and I think depending
on location as well, there might be different
assumptions as well across different types
of guess cultures, maybe. For example, from
the Midwest to the south in the US. And, so
the thing is, like, if people don't share
those expectations that you have, I think
you can end up feeling like no-one is listening
to you at all. So one way to think about this
as well is if we sort of roughly have a sense
of a charting request granted versus explicit
verbal request, and on the guess culture side
of things there is an extra component in the
denominator here where there are these implicit
requests happening as well. One thing to note
is if a guess culture person explicitly asks
something, pay attention because it is a big
deal and doesn't happen all that frequently.
So, if there are folks out there who still
aren't quite sure which side they might lean
towards a bit more, kind of questions of why
is anyone the way that they are at all? Probably
we have some innate preferences moulded by
family, moulded by larger contexts and cultures
that we are in. For example, I have a friend
from Vancouver in Canada who describes that
place as a very diversity with many different
cultures who do not have that history of shared
expectations, so you may very well end up
being one way at home interacting with the
rest of the folks in your giant city have
to resort to a different kind of communication
style. Companies as well also have different
standards and cultures, and told that Intel,
for example, at one point was extremely strongly
ask culture. People won't ask you if you need
help, you have to bring it up. Start-ups on
the other hand can be much more loose in terms
of processes because they are smaller and
people just know each other better. Again,
that that tight net of shared expectations.
Remote work, on the other hand, I just started
out at Heroku a couple of months ago, and
in a thing of course is that body language
and facial expression are very much a part
of communication and interpreting what message
people are sending, so that is a consideration
there as well. Even within a team, I think
we can have sort of like a micro culture amongst
a particular team sometimes, especially in
the areas where managers have a lot of latitude
and depending on the team size as well, because
ultimately, culture is a word for how we do
things. There is tons of variation on that
of course. Maybe even people have strong personal
experience that is push you one way or the
other. For example, my parents are immigrants
to the US, and if you think about the kind
of people that are strike off to a foreign
country on their own and knowing very few
people in this new location, I think that
can end up affecting the way that they raised
my sister and me as well. Speaking of family,
I do want to point out that one thing I often
hear folks say after I discuss these ideas
with them is something along the lines of,
"My mom is just like that." "My mother-in-law,
it's so hard to tell what she wants." Anecdotally,
I people off the situation where women seem
to be socialised in a guess culture even in
a broader ask-culture preference, women socialised
to be more accommodating, less confrontational.
There is this thing I've heard about called
the "girl scout tax" where women are expected
to be more helpful than otherwise. With any
kinds of these sorts of things, if you don't
personally match other people's expectations,
you can end up meeting with a different reaction,
so for women, it is that thing where you can
end up getting labelled abrasive and on the
other side of things for men who, if they're
not extremely on the ask-culture side of things
and people are expecting that, then these
quieter men can end up getting labelled at
timid instead. So, I think the thing really
to keep in mind here a lot of times with interacting
with other folks is that I really believe
that people are doing the best that they can
with the methods that they know how. If you
still can't categorise yourself, you probably
lean guess culture because you don't want
to tell me no-one way or the other! [Laughter].
But another aspect is I feel like a lot of
ask-culture folks tend to recognise this frustration
in not understanding what other people might
want, and in my case, I, for a while when
I started working would literally get in all
my performance reviews "You're very direct."
That was a pretty clear signal to me there.
It can also be a matter of context, because,
again, you might be one way with your family,
with your shared history and understanding,
and then a different way with your friends
or at work for how you get particular kinds
of tasks done. So different styles, more appropriate
for different situations. For example, some
situations are like when you're not quite
fully sure about the relationship, so, if
you think about it, in an interaction with
a stranger, that tends to be much more brief,
transactional, less long-term concern about
the relationship there. Then, on the very
other end from that, people that know you
really well, they get you, and you may not
have to be as concerned about these boundaries
and what not. It's really a lot of these folks
in between in this sort of like iffy grey
zone, sometimes they talk about it like you
make friends at work and you're like do they
like you as much as you like them? Have you
made the transition into outside work friends?
It's a little iffy there. Yes, I am planning
a baby shower for not too long after I get
back, and the RSVPs are surprisingly high
so far so I think that's pretty good! A lot
of people just, yes, will feel comfortable
and come and have fun still. Anyway, you know,
a lot of these things, like, we want to make
sure not to cause anyone embarrassment, right?
Let's talk about some strategies for handling
ask-to-guess situations and vice versa as
well. From my own personal life, we can definitely
live in harmony, I think. My husband and I
have been together over ten years now, and
I would say that generally speaking it's really
about trying to step a lit more into the other
cull - step a little bit more into the other
culture so your message is clear and the people
are comfortable. Now overall now that you
can recognise this difference, you're most
of the way there. So, if you're from ask culture,
my number-one tip is to make a guess-culture
friend who can serve as your guide and interpreter.
This is what my husband Dan is for me a lot
of the times. I get confused by some interaction,
I will bring it home, and he will help me
dissect to see what is being said between
the lines. I will send him difficult emails
that I'm trying to write and hash it out.
Will people react in these other ways? Or
I will reread emails of my own and see if
there are nuances that I didn't pick up initially
and tried to continuously improve that way.
Remember that it is not just what people say
but what they don't say as well, because you
might not have heard a no, but it wasn't an
enthusiastic yes, either. So pay attention
when there is any hesitation there. Last on
the slide, ultimately, go ahead and just apologise
and clarify later if you realise too late
that what you said may have been misinterpreted
that you sent out a guest-culture signal that
wasn't what you intended. If you're in guess
culture where every time I practise this presentation
with my husband, he's always like guess-culture
people don't need to hear this, they heard
you understand all these things that are going
on, you don't have to be so explicit about
everything all the time! [Laughter]. But I
also like , like, dislike the imbalance of
like, I have one slide and I need a slide
for another. So we will go through a couple.
The first thing is that I want to remind folks
that people might be unaware of the rules
and I think that that can help alleviate some
of the frustration about how can they do such
and such a thing because there's an assumption
there that you're operating on the as I'm
playing field and those folks might not be
in the same arena, right? Consider as well
that softening a no with an excuse can end
up hurting folks as well, and I know that
is a primary concern, I think this is it a
good point to remind folks that we want people
to be comfortable and, if they didn't understand
what you were saying was a no, then you haven't
quite accomplished that goal that is a priority
for you. So now I want to talk about how this
frame applies to work situations where this
culture clash might come up. Some general
things to consider are that we have lots of
short-term goals at work, but we have to remember
the long-term effects on relationships as
well. It is like nesting, or like letting
technical debt linger and be ignored. In these
things that are a little bit under the surface.
As always, it is always about relationships.
A good rule of thumb is to be more deferent
until the relationship has been established.
When you have the friendly relationship, people
are more likely to interpret what you say
in a favourable light because people, that's
just Kay Wu, she wasn't wanting you to hurry
but curious to see where you were at to see
if she could help. It's good to check in at
times outside when you need something there
right then and this against you established
on the baseline that we are all on the side
and want the same thing. You like me, I like
you, like everything's good. Another question
to ask you yourself is: how much are you assuming
based on what you think you heard? And it
is good to try to assume that you don't know
necessarily what it is that other people are
thinking. Because a lot - a lot of times I
have the situation and realise afterwards
that I made a mistake because I just assumed
other people would react in the way in a I
do which is not necessarily the ways, and
there is no reason to assume that people are
necessarily unhappy with you. So, try not
to continually second-guess yourself, even
if people if especially mention things won.
I have friends, like, one comment and they're
very concerned about it, and I was, "No, it
is fine, we can let that go." So some useful
phrasings here are things like, "I have a
question, but it is totally okay to say no."
That's what I do a lot of times. I fry to
remind people in the moment it is okay to
say no to me because I'm okay receiving that.
Thanks to my guess-culture friends, I have
some improvements on here. They can use this
phrase exactly as is, or they can say things
like, "It's okay if you're busy ..." or, "I
understand if you're busy," giving people
that out already ahead of time, and kind of
encouraging communication this way and not
holding back because you don't want to interrupt
someone. This phrase here is something that
happened with a friend of mine who wanted
to ask for a raise after she got some new
responsibilities. In talking over with her
beforehand, she had gotten feedback in her
last performance review recommending that
she be more assertive, and I suggested that
she used phrasing along these lines as a callback
to help herself encourage to set that conversation
up of she actually is like following along,
it is not out of the blue, and it is exactly
what her boss had asked for. It totally worked!
She totally got a raise out of it. That is
really awesome. Yeah. One thing I think as
well as especially in establishing the relationships
at work, maybe with every new manager that
I have, I think it is really good to talk
about communication styles up front, and I
just told my managers, I need to hear these
words like "pretty, literally and directly"
as times. Maybe the guess-culture people,
their manager has a goal for them to participate
more vocally in meetings, so maybe in the
one-on-one environment if they're comfortable,
they can say something more along these lines,
"It would really help if ..." some suggestions
there to help make progress to meeting that
goal in a safe way. You can go ahead and use
this talk as an excuse, for example,. I went
to this amazing talk at the Lead Developer!
The recordings will go up shortly, I'm sure.
A couple more example situations. In the situations
of giving or receiving help at work, I think
that this is pretty important here. Again,
I think that it's something that is great
to discuss with the team, to have a conversation
about it before that urgent situation necessarily
comes up. You can talk about methods of interrupting,
frequency of checking in, how much time you
should let yourself be stuck before asking
for help in some way and, again, you have
that there to reference back 
to 
the conversation. On 
the other side as well, just because no-one
has specifically said this is not working
for me, again, read between the lines, that
doesn't necessarily mean that everything is
okay. You can ask questions about this if
you're not sure in a gentle sort of way. We
can say, "Do you ever any questions for me?"
This is okay. It might give an opening. It
might be better saying what questions do you
have for me? It doesn't have - people don't
have to introduce the idea that they have
questions at all, you're assuming that and
making that opening there. I also like this
where we can offer up several options that
people can then choose from versus having
to do a black and white decline or accept.
And also, in making these options available,
you can be extra enthusiastic when you're
offering. This particular situation, though,
with an ask-manager and a guess-culture report
is something to be particularly careful about,
I think. It is really good to constantly remind
folks that they can say no when you ask them
to take something on and giving that positive
reinforcement of, "Thanks so much for reminding
me about these other items that are on your
plate." Let's figure out another solution
that will help for the team overall. One thing
to be careful about is is that if you reverse
a decision without enough explanation, though,
folks might end up never saying no to you
again even if you want them to. I think it
is a good to take a look at processes that
you have, not needing to default them to where
people have to ask for things necessarily
because it can end up penalising some folks,
so, for example, rather than having a fairly
clear conference travel policy of this number
of conferences with this budget each year,
if you instead had a policy where people always
have to bring it up themselves and make a
proposal, that might end up not distributing
as evenly as you might hope for. Remember
that if you have a report on your team that
is mostly guess culture and rarely makes a
direct request, but then they do, very much
make sure to pay attention to that.
There is this work space advice column I like
called "Ask a manager". She wrote a column
here where thee said that a lot of people
assume if their bosses are assigning them
a tonne of work, there is no point in speaking
up because they must be expected to find a
way to get it all done. When, in fact, the
boss is assuming they will speak up if it
becomes a problem, so you end up in the situation
the boss is thinking, "Everything is totally
fine." The employ is stewing and feeling a
bit overwhelmed about their workload. I think
this is yet another example of that dynamic
playing out and something to keep an eye out
for. A bunch of other things I don't have
time to cover them in depth, but I put in
some links. This idea of publish versus pull
managers, working with folks that aren't native
speakers in the language of communication
that you use, retros, things like that an
opportunity for this to come up and formats
of messaging, calling someone something rather
than an asynchronous method of communication
like Slack. The last item over here in work
situations is having to try to use your strength.
In meetings, if you're a guess-culture type
person enlist an ask-culture type person to
advocate your point of view in a more confrontational
setting. Sometimes, I try to step in when
I know certain situations might need a little
bit of a different approach. Overall, fry
to be thoughtful, help each other, carve out
SpaceX for everyone and try to keep to get
their message across cleanly. If you have
any questions, please just ask! [Laughter].
[Applause].
MERI: Awesome, thank you.
