Hi! I'm Kale. Today I'm going to talk about
the labels we use in our relationships. Labels
like boyfriend, husband, wife, or best friend.
Why do we use labels?
I've spent a lot of time reflecting on why
I use labels in my life. For some people,
that might not be a thing they have ever thought
about. Their wife is their wife, so that's
what they call her. Which makes sense. If
we dig deeper though, what are some of the
reasons we use labels?
Convey That Someone is Important
It's natural that we want to express that
there are people in our lives with whom we
have deep bonds and strong connections, who
occupy an important space in our lives. Labels
let us communicate who a person is in relation
to us really easily.
Know Where We Stand
Having labels gives us and others a guide
how to act. You act a certain way with friends,
a different way with lovers. Labels can feel
comfortable and orderly.
Desire to Be Understood
At times we all feel a longing to share information
about ourselves and who we are, for others
to get us. This can be especially true when
we are living outside of societal norms. Since
we may already feel misunderstood, it can
create a stronger need to be acknowledged.
This is valid.
Now that we've gone over some reasons to use
labels, let's cover some reasons why we might
not want to.
No More Hierarchies
If we want to remove hierarchies from within
our social circles one way to start doing
that is by removing labels. No labels means
a linguistically level playing field. A boyfriend
doesn't have to feel secondary to a husband,
a friend doesn't have to feel less important
than a best friend.
Goodbye Expectations
Labels can offer comfort. If you categorize
a person in your life as your partner, people
will make assumptions about what that means.
In some ways, we like this. It's saying Yes,
this person is really important in my life!
However, on the flip side, labels place expectations
on how people should act. For example, a boyfriend
is supposed to call you every day and meet
your parents and buy you anniversary presents.
Without the label of boyfriend, a person isn't
necessarily obligated to act a certain way
because of outside expectations. They have
the freedom to act from the heart, which makes
their expressions of love more meaningful.
Being Okay with Ambiguity
What if, instead of fearing being misunderstood,
we embraced that uncertainty? The good thing
about throwing out labels is that it will
force you to use new language. The hard part
is that it will get you thinking in new ways,
and it can be hard to convey those ideas.
Sit with that feeling of not being immediately
understood. I'm learning to relish the gray
areas. I like that the way I talk might raise
more questions than answers.
Less Worry About Other People's Comfort
Labels do a lot of the explaining for us.
They help other people feel comfortable because
they can immediately categorize and make assumptions.
Be comfortable with the discomfort. Perhaps
worry less about random people understanding
us, and spend more energy creating equality
in our lives for the people that we love.
Alternatives to Labels
Okay, now that we've gone over why we might
not want to use labels, how do we do that,
exactly? I don't have the perfect answer,
it's a work in progress for me too. But I'll
go over a few options, and you can see if
any of them feel right for you.
Names
One option is to just name the person you're
talking about and then carry on without explaining
anything. Let's say you meet someone new and
you're talking about waterslides, so you say
'Oh, Leonard and I went to the waterpark once.'
Does it matter that Leonard is your deepest
confidant, your emotional rock? You know he
is, that's what matters.
Friend
Another idea is just to use the word friend
for everyone. The word friend is kind of overused
in our society, just as you can love your
Grandma or love tacos, your friend can be
one of the most important people in your life
or someone you had coffee with once or twice.
What if we started using the word 'friend'
more intentionally? We can get descriptive
with our words, and say things like peer,
acquaintance, or co-worker for people we don't
know that well, and then say the word 'friend'
more deliberately.
Relationship
We could use the term relationship. For example,
'I am in a relationship with Olivia'. I like
this for two reasons. One, because you don't
have to use the word my, as in my boyfriend,
my partner. It lets them be their own person.
And two because it strips away assumptions
that other words have. A person might wonder
'What does she mean by that, have a relationship
with?'. Let them! Enjoy the vagueness, the
gray area. I like to leave people a little
unsure, then I can explain
further if I want or need to.
Person I Love
If we are talking to someone and they ask
'Oh, who is that?' we could say 'That's a
person I love'. This conveys that they're
important, but it doesn't give away details
about the shape or the structure the relationship
takes.
Those are a few ideas, I'm trying them all
out right now until I decided what comes naturally.
Sometimes I still stumble when someone asks
'Who is that?'. And sometimes I really like
just saying 'That's my babe!'.
In the end, I think the struggle is worth
it! We can use language to challenge norms.
Love without labels that is allowed to be
undefined and fluid gives us freedom.
I hope this helped a little, or at least gave
you some food for thought. I would love to
hear how you handle labels in your life, either
in the comments or in our Facebook group.
And please subscribe to my channel to get
future videos! Bye!
