Donald Trump.
This has been a wild week
for the Trump presidency,
making it the 124th
wild presidency week in a row.
It started a few days ago,
when Trump averted a crisis
of his own making
by deciding not
to impose tariffs on Mexico
because he said he made a deal.
However, critics pointed out
that many of the things
that Mexico promised to do
to stop illegal immigration
were the same promises
that they had made
months before.
But then Trump came back
saying that he had a secret deal
with Mexico,
which no one believed.
So, yesterday, he did this.
-Can you tell us?
-What is that?
That's the agreement that
everybody says I don't have.
So, no, because I'm gonna let
Mexico do the announcement
-at the right time.
-(reporters clamoring)
For Mexico,
they want to go through it.
But here's the agreement.
It's a very simple agreement.
(laughter)
Okay. Okay.
There are
two possibilities here.
And neither of them are good.
Either the president
just whipped out a takeout menu
and claimed it's
a secret agreement with Mexico--
which it could be--
or it's a real agreement
and the president
is just walking around
with secret documents
in his pocket.
Right? The same guy
who was worried
about Hillary's server
getting hacked by Russians.
Meanwhile, he could get hacked
by a gust of wind.
Or, even worse, a pigeon.
Could just be like,
"And here it is,
"the secret document that...
"Aah! Stop that pigeon!
"Stop that pigeon!
It's headed to the Kremlin!"
Like,
keeping important documents
in your jacket pocket
is so risky,
because everyone forgets things
in that pocket.
We've all done it.
Like, one day, Trump's
dry cleaner's gonna phone
the White House, like,
"Hey, Mr. Trump,
"you left the nuclear codes
in your jacket again.
And there's a lollipop
in there, too."
He's like, "Oh, thank God.
My lollipop."
So that was President Trump
showing off
his "secret agreement" letter
that he got from Mexico.
Uh, and I guess yesterday
was mail day,
because, a few minutes later
in the press conference,
he was telling us
about another letter
he was even more proud of.
REPORTER: For the first time
 since the failed Hanoi Summit,
 Kim Jong-un sent the president
 a letter yesterday,
 Mr. Trump downplaying concerns
 about Kim's recent
 missile tests.
He's kept his word.
There's no nuclear testing.
There's no large, you know,
long-range missiles going up.
So, uh, I see that.
And I just received a beautiful
letter from Kim Jong-un.
And I think
the relationship is very well,
but I appreciated the letter.
Someday, you'll see
what was in that letter.
Someday you'll be reading
about it.
Maybe in 100 years from now,
maybe in...
two weeks. Who knows?
But it was a very nice letter.
It was a very warm,
very nice letter.
I appreciated it.
What?
Maybe 100 years from now,
maybe two weeks?
The only other time you hear
a time range that big
is when you order a couch
online.
It's like, "Yeah, I guess...
uh, it'll be arriving now
or never."
But that's pretty incredible,
right?
Trump is willing
to support Kim Jong-un
because the North Korean
dictator sends him sweet notes.
You know,
if Kim Jong-un is smart,
he would launch a missile
at the United States
and then just send Trump
a letter at the exact same time
to keep him distracted. Yeah.
An aide would run
into the office, like,
"Mr. Trump, Kim Jong-un
has just fired..."
"Fired off
a beautiful letter to me.
I know. It's gorgeous."
"No, sir,
this could devastate..."
"Devastate Melania.
We won't tell her.
Don't worry."
"No, sir, people are dying."
"Dying to know what's in it.
"But I can't tell them.
It's a secret.
"It's between me and...
"Goddamn you, pigeon!
Goddamn.
How did it get back
from the Kremlin so fast?"
(laughter)
So Donald Trump has become, uh,
good friends with Mexico,
and, uh, he's BFF
with little Kim.
But there's one feud the
president is not willing to end,
and it's with America's
greatest enemy, Sleepy Joe.
Well, I heard Biden, uh,
who is a loser...
I mean, look, Joe never got
more than one percent,
except Obama took him off
the trash heap,
and now it looks
like he's failing.
He looks different
than he used to.
He acts different
than he used to.
He's even slower
than he used to be.
I'd rather run against,
I think, Biden than anybody.
Uh, I think
he's the weakest mentally.
And I like running against
people that are weak mentally.
I think
Joe is the weakest up here.
Really, Donald?
You want to compete
with a mentally-weak loser?
Well, then maybe you should
hold a debate with a mirror.
-(air horn sounds)
-(cheers and applause)
Now, it's no coincidence
that, uh, Trump is going after
the former V.P., right?
Ever since the polls came out
showing Biden beating Trump
all over the country,
Trump has aimed all
of his attacks
directly
at his number-one threat.
And Joe Biden is loving it,
because it's setting him up
as the presumptive nominee,
which is why yesterday in Iowa,
he delivered a 40-minute speech
that was all about Trump.
I don't think the president
really gets the, uh...
gets the basics. Uh,
he thinks these tariffs
are being paid by China,
just like he thinks Mexico's
building the wall. Um...
He thinks
windmills cause cancer.
Now, look, you think
I'm making this up, I know.
Quote, "I have complete power."
-No, you don't, Donald Trump.
-(applause and cheering)
Or, "Only I can fix it."
Fix yourself first,
Donald Trump!
(cheers and applause)
Oh, okay, that was...
that was weird.
I feel like Joe Biden turned
black by the end of that speech.
"'Only I can fix it!'
No, fix yourself Donald Trump.
Mike Pence,
you better come get your man!"
(laughter)
And I'll be honest.
I don't know if this was
an effective campaign speech
that would convince
a swing voter.
What I do know is, Joe Biden
just got a brand-new
stand-up special deal on HBO.
♪ ♪
I don't think the president
really gets the, uh...
gets the basics.
Uh, he thinks these tariffs
are being paid by China,
just like he thinks
Mexico's building the wall.
-Um...
-(laughter)
What is... President Trump...?
He denies
there's climate change.
What did he tell Piers Morgan
in an interview recently?
He said,
"Well, weather goes both ways."
(laughter)
You know, look, he thinks
windmills cause cancer.
Now, look, you think
I'm making this up, I know.
He said, "Those California
fires-- what they got to do is
rake their leaves."
(laughter)
I'm not joking!
I'm not making this up!
Joe Biden, everybody.
