 
### Sci-Fi Stories

By Tom Greenwood

Published by Tom Greenwood at Smashwords

Copyright © 2011 Tom Greenwood

Smashwords Edition, Licence Notes

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Introduction

Here are some of my short stories. They are:

**No Matter What** : A story I wrote for a collection about the Higgs-boson.

**Being male** : The title is a pun, see if you can work out why

**Cosain Péist** and **King Louis XXIII** : These are two stories set in alternative history. The first is set in an alternate 1986 and the second in 1978.

**Lost and Found** : The longest in the collection was written for an anthology that never took off.

**Fzin** : This was my backup story for the anthology

**A Glaswegian God** : You'll just have to read it.

I hope you enjoy these and if you want to read more then I have a novel up here. You may also find more of my short stories on McStorytellers \- http://mcstorytellers.weebly.com/index.html

Enjoy

# No Matter What

"Ah, Dr. Dubois, sit down will you. So tell me are the rumours correct?" the director asked. "Have you detected the elusive Higgs boson? If you have it will be a feather in all our caps."

"Well sort of. From the results from our experiments last week there is something that could be the Higgs boson."

Dr Dubois was not looking as excited as he should.

"So why are you looking so glum? You've not made a black hole have you?"

"No nothing like that. It's not quite as the model predicted."

"Still good news then."

"Well not quite."

"What do you mean?"

"Well we have put the amended details for the discovered Higgs boson into the Standard Model, and to make the Standard Model work, we have had to make some adjustments. Once we did, the new revised model fits all our data pretty well, extremely well but..."

"So you have a Model of Everything?"

"I wouldn't go quite that far. We're desperately looking for a flaw in our logic but the experimental data and theoretical predictions match."

"Why? It's great news isn't it?"

Dr. Dubois shook his head. "Something unexpected about the nature of the forces of the universe fell out of the model."

"So what was that?" the director asked after a slight pause.

"Well in the early days of the universe, all the forces were one force. Then as the universe cooled, gravity split off from the other three."

"Well yes."

"Then the strong nuclear force, split from the other force."

"Yes I know, and then the weak and the electromagnetic, split. So what's the problem?"

"Well they're not finished splitting."

"I don't understand."

"The forces, there's one split still to happen, the electromagnetic force has to still to split into two. When the universe cools enough that force will become two separate ones."

There was a pause before the director asked "Are you serious?"

"Yes I am deadly serious and when they split, atoms will no longer exist. They will fly apart or at least electrons will no longer orbit the nucleus. Well we're not sure what will happen, but matter as we know it, will no longer exist, never mind life."

"So when does this happen?"

"Well our calculations need refined and it depends on the age and rate of expansion of the universe and upon the current background temperature. And it may not happen everywhere at once, the universe is a... Anyway our best guess is give or take half a billion years about half a billion..."

"So we have half a billion years before matter starts falling apart."

"No you don't understand."

"But you said..."

"No our best estimate, give or take half a billion years, is half a billion years ago.

# Being Male

As soon as he could, he was aware that he was male. Males had no name, received no education, they had no need and they existed for one reason only. If he was lucky, he would service a queen.

Being male wasn't all bad, there were several members of the servant-caste whose only function was to provide him with all of his needs. Though these needs were few, mostly food. Food he needed to reach sexual maturity and to produce sperm.

He knew there were other males, presumably his rivals, but he never got to meet them. He asked the servants about them but they mostly refused to answer. One did say that long ago, males would occasionally fight over the right to fertilise the queen, but now the hive decided which males would breed and which would not. He had no interest in fighting his rivals. He wondered if they felt the same way.

Occasionally he would be visited by members of the warrior-caste, they would invariably sniff him to ensure he was a member of the hive, or by members of the intelligent-caste, he knew they had all the answers but they just stared at him. After all he was just a male.

Then strangely, a member of the intelligent-caste started to answer his questions.

"How long before I meet the queen?" he asked, like on so many other occasions.

"We will decide if you meet the queen."

"And if you decide no?"

"Then you will remain here."

"And then what?"

"Then at some point you will die."

"When?"

"That will be determined."

"How will you decide if I meet the queen?"

"If you best fulfil the criteria the queen has given us."

"What are those criteria?"

"I am afraid I cannot say."

"How many hives are there?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because I would like to know."

"Officially, 12,567, though there have been some recent attempts to colonise desert areas and the polar regions."

He pondered the reply for a moment. "What is a desert?"

*

After that brief conversation he was given access to some basic learning materials, materials usually reserved for the intelligent-caste. He learnt all about the world he lived on, the sister planet, the hives, the social structure and the many castes. He decided he wanted to see outside. For all of his brief life, he had only seen a small area of the hive.

"It will be dangerous," he was told after asking.

"But can I not see?"

"You may see if you are chosen and have to travel to the other hive."

"Another hive?"

"Of course, you cannot mate with our queen, you will be traded for a male of another hive."

Then a few days later, and the word 'day' made so much more sense now he understood basic astronomy, he was asked the question, "Do you think it right?" by one of the servants.

"Do I think what right?" he replied.

"The system. We are all slaves to the queen. Should we not be allowed to move hives or even change castes? Why should you, a male not be allowed to do something other than mate?"

What a strange idea. And the more he thought about it the more it made sense. Why should he, a male not be allowed to become a member of say the intelligent-caste? Then when he saw the same servant again he answered the question.

"No it is not fair."

"You will be contacted again and if you are chosen you will be given a specific job that will free us from the tyranny."

Tyranny was a new word, but he sort of understood it. He waited to see the servant again, but she never reappeared.

*

Several days later, several members of the intelligent-caste appeared in his room.

"You are one of the males that have been chosen to travel to the neighbouring hive. You will come with us."

He meekly followed the members of the intelligent-caste out of the rooms that had been his home for his entire life. They and their warrior-escort unerringly led him through the warren of the hive to a cart.

"Get in," he was ordered, by an intelligent, who followed him in.

"Sit here," she said pointing to a seat. She shouted to the warrior-caste, "We will need an escort that can travel with us to Quan hive. You are hive-guards, please leave and organise it."

The warriors dutifully departed as soon as they were alone. The intelligent-caste member handed him a small vial. "You are to offer this to the queen, she will accept it and if she does, we will be free."

He did not understand, but he accepted it. "I will do as you ask, will I then be allowed..."

"Shhh speak no more of this."

Some new warriors appeared, sniffed the occupants of the cart and as they both had the correct smell they sat inside.

"What happens now?" he asked.

"We travel to the Quan hive," she replied.

Then as if triggered by the answer the cart began to move off. He could see the outside approaching through the large and heavily guarded hive entrance. The cart propelled via some unknown mechanism over the smooth road, slowly accelerating, past fields of members of the farming-caste tending crops.

He looked out of the window at the large crescent in the sky.

"Our sister planet," the intelligent said.

"Who lives there?" he asked.

"Nobody at the moment, the air is poisonous."

"Why?"

"It is the way things are."

"Has anyone been there?"

"You ask too many questions. You need only follow orders you are only a male."

"Why only a male?"

"You are only a carrier for genetic material. That is your role in life."

"And what is your role?"

"We are the intelligents, we are second only to the queen. We carry out her orders and act for the good of the hive."

"So why can males not be intelligents? After all you are talking with me."

"True, but you are haploid, only half a female. You only carry one set of genetic material, you are inferior. It is the way things are."

He did not understand that last answer, but the females, those of every caste, looked down on males he knew that.

"But perhaps one day a male might be more than they are," she said. He felt she was passing on a message.

After several hours of travel they stopped.

"We have reached the border of our hive, now we must apply the pheromones of the Quan hive."

"Why?"

"Or else their warriors will kill us for being foreign." She turned to their accompanying warriors. "Leave us," she said. She turned back to face him, "we cannot let them meet the other warriors, they may start a fight and once warriors start to fight, it quickly escalates."

The intelligent waited until the warriors had left, took out two vials, opened one and started smearing the contents over herself. She handed the other to him. "Do the same, or else the Quan warriors will dismember and eat you."

He took the contents of the vial and copied the intelligent.

Once they were suitably covered the cart started to move again. It soon stopped and another intelligent followed by several warriors boarded. The two intelligents touched antennae. They were having a private conversation. He knew not to ask. Presumably it was about him.

The new warriors sniffed him, they appeared concerned but eventually relaxed, well relaxed as much as a warrior ever could.

Then the cart started again, and they travelled through another series of fields almost identical to those of his home hive and eventually into the foreign hive.

He was shown into a set of rooms similar to the ones he had left in his birth-hive. The new intelligent accompanied him. Once they were alone, she asked. "You know what to do?"

"Yes, but not why?"

"All you have to know is that it will result in a freer, fairer society, where there is not the constant threat of invasion from other hives."

"Am I doing wrong?"

"You are doing what is required for the greater good."

"And what will happen to me?"

"You need not worry about that?"

"Will I be dismembered by warriors?"

"If you follow our orders and you are chosen then that will not happen, I guarantee it."

"Then I agree."

*

"The queen has requested to mate with you," the intelligent said. "You have been chosen from all of her suitors."

He was taken out of his rooms; he could see several sets of warriors rushing through the passageways of the hive.

"What are they doing?"

"You were not the only candidate, they are going to deal with the unsuccessful applicants. Do you have the vial?"

"I do."

"And you know what to do?"

"To offer it to the queen."

He was taken to a large chamber.

"Wait here, the queen will see you."

He waited nervously and soon the doors at the other end of the room opened. Then he was met with some new smells, ones that unleashed a whole new set of emotions. For the first time ever, he felt sexual desire.

"Come in my male," a voice boomed from the chamber. "We will be alone."

He walked through and there was the queen. She was fifty times the size of the largest warrior he had ever met and most of that was abdomen.

"So you are my new husband?" she said turning and looking at him.

"I am," he replied, "and I have something for you."

"What is that?"

He took out the vial and walked slowly towards her. "I am to give you this."

"Good I am pleased but it is irrelevant now."

"I am supposed to give it to you. It is very important."

"Oh my little lover, how little you know. I gave the instructions for the vial. You believe it is supposed to lead to a new set of freedoms for all and so it shall."

"I don't understand," he replied.

"For too long the hives have been fighting, trying to destroy each other. For the last hundred years there has been an uneasy peace as any hive knows if they start a conflict then they would soon be too weakened to defend itself. So how could we expand? There is one way, to our sister planet. Our world is one half of a double planet. Our sister is barren and lifeless though."

"I saw it on my journey."

"Then I envy you, I have never seen it. I have spent all my life in this hive, but now I am nearing the end of my life and I will produce new queens. Queens that will not establish hives here, but will hopefully establish hives on our sister and you are to father them."

"Why me?"

"There will be new challenges ahead for our daughters, they will not need physical strength but intelligence and cunning. We devised a simple test to get the best candidate and that candidate was you my husband. Most males could not even understand simple commands, but you, you showed the ability to conspire, you wanted to learn. Now mate with me, I need intelligent daughters."

The queen waved her abdomen in his direction and wafted pheromones at him. He felt a new wave of lust overtake him.

"Yes that is it my lover, give me your genes, so we can make daughters that can travel to the stars."

He walked over to the queen, as he did his sexual organ unsheathed itself. The pheromones were taking control of his body.

"And then what will happen to me?" he asked, regaining some measure of self-control.

"You need not worry about that?"

"Will the warriors kill me?"

"Most certainly not. Now do your duty, do you destiny."

A new wave of pheromones hit him and he had no control left. He crawled over to the opening abdomen and inserted his sex organ. The queen's abdomen clasped onto it and he immediately felt the most intense combination of pain and pleasure. Then he looked down and saw his genitals had detached themselves and were still attached to the queen. He was bleeding profusely.

"What happened?"

"Ah my husband, males get to reproduce once and they die in the process. It is the way of the world. You have fulfilled your duty and our daughters will journey to found new hives on new worlds. You will not die by a warrior's mandibles, you die like a male, in sexual congress. Die peacefully with that knowledge."

He keeled over and felt his life drain away from him. His last feelings were mixed. Content he had fulfilled what all males were destined for and had not been warrior-food but nevertheless he still felt a severe sense of betrayal.

# Cosain Péist

In a pub in Ireland in a different 1986 to the one we had...

"Why do you have two model otters on either side of the fireplace?"

"Eh"?

"You've got two otters, sitting either side of the fireplace."

"Oh those that's err, Cosain Péist."

"Eh?"

"You're from America aren't you?"

"Indeed I am, from Baltimore in Maryland."

"Come to try the Guinness?"

"And to sample some of the traditional Irish hospitality."

"Ah, you'll not have heard of Cosain Péist then?"

"No what's that then?"

"Ancient Irish tradition, you take two model animals traditionally made out of wood and put them on either side of the door, though any entrance will do."

"Yes but they're by the fireplace."

"Otters fight of evil spirits and they can come down the chimney."

"Otters come down the chimney?"

"No, the evil spirits come down the chimney but not when the fire is lit, obviously. But if any were to come down the chimney when the fire isn't lit, then the otters stop them."

"Oh I see, so what do other animals do then?"

"Not sure, it was Jimmy who put the otters there. We don't really take it all that seriously. There haven't been any druids to do the proper rites for nearly 2,000 years."

"So what were the rites?"

"Well nobody really knows but the ancient texts speak of sprinkling the sacred fluids over the building."

"And did you have this done?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Did you have the rites performed?"

"I'm not sure. I'll have to check. Hey Jimmy?"

"Aye."

"When you put the otters there, did you get the ancient rites performed?"

"Which ones would they be then?"

"The sprinkling of the sacred fluids."

"Oh aye, you have to sprinkle the sacred fluids."

"So what are the sacred fluids then?"

"Can't say they're an ancient secret, we can't have anybody going about performing the ancient rites. The druids would be most upset."

"Which druids? I was told they were all dead."

"Their spirits, you don't want to upset them do you. Then the otters would be no use at all. Anyway you need to get it done right. Why do you ask?"

"I'd quite like someone to protect my house."

"Where's that then?"

"Baltimore."

"Never heard of it."

"It's in Maryland in America."

"Still never heard of it."

"Never heard of Maryland?"

"Of course I have, I'm just winding you up."

"Ah that famous Irish humour. So how would I get someone to perform Cosain Péist?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Cosain Péist, the ancient tradition of protecting your dwelling from evil spirits."

"Hmm, nobody's asked for that before, we just got the otters to protect the fireplace. You'd need to hire yourself a modern druid."

"I thought there weren't any druids."

"No ancient ones, but we make do."

"So where would I hire one?"

"You need the contacts, the druids well they tend to be a bit secretive."

"So who would I speak to?"

"Well I'd need to ask about, you know contact the druids."

"So assuming that I've got my druid, what happens next?"

"You get yourself a couple of model animals, one male and one female you put them either side of the thing you're going to protect. Then you get your druid to perform the rites."

"Where would they perform the rites?"

"In your house."

"So if I were to get myself a druid, fly them over to Baltimore, I could get them to perform the rites?"

"I suppose so, it would be a bit expensive though."

"Money doesn't matter."

*

In Baltimore in a different 1986 to the one we had...

"Do you not think he might suss it out?"

"Nuh, anyway he's happy. He's had his house protected and we got a week's trip to Baltimore, who would have thought that my daughter putting toy sheep either side of the bed to protect mammy and daddy would have gotten us a free trip to America."

"Shhh, he's coming back."

"Hi John, pleased?"

"Oh yes, some of my friends want to have their houses protected."

"Oh, we were going to fly back to Ireland, we'd already booked our tickets."

"Can you wait a couple more days? They'll pay you well. I'll see if you can get your tickets changed, one of my friends is quite powerful in UA, he'll get them changed, especially if you're going to do his house."

"Well I suppose so but we don't have anymore of the sacred fluids."

"Can you order some?"

"Well, yes but it'll have to be shipped from Ireland and well we'll have to get someone to bring it out."

"I'll get my wife to bring it out."

"You sure?"

"Oh yes, she'd love to see Baltimore. I'll get on the phone now."

"That would be perfect."

"Mary? It's Jimmy. Can you come out to Baltimore? The flights will be organised for you. Oh and bring plenty of Guinness."
King Louis XXIII

"...and so I crown you King Louis XXIII of France, Louisiana, Normandie de la Sud, Novelle Corsica and Mysore, all their territories and dominions," the Arch-Bishop of Bâton-Rouge finished.

King Louis XXIII stood up and dusted the soil from his trousers. Even though the crown had been on his head for a few seconds, it was heavy. King Louis lifted it off and handed to it Claude. Well that was short and sweet, not like the long and admittedly boring coronation held in Louisiana three years previously. Then Kings, Queens, Prime Ministers and Presidents had attended the coronation. Now there were only five witnesses, all sworn to secrecy.

"Sire, we should leave," Claude said.

King Louis nodded; it would not be wise to be caught. He walked towards the waiting vehicles and climbed into the back passenger seat of one. Claude jumped into the driver's seat.

"Disguise sire," Claude said starting the engine.

King Louis put his hat and dark glasses on and slouched back in his seat wrapping a blanket around him. They drove over some bumpy ground and then onto a side road.

When the plan had been suggested a year previously, Louis considered the risks too high but the more he had thought about it and discussed it, the more appealing it became, an opportunity to gain one-up on the Republican government of France.

Once King Louis had come of age, the media had expected him to be profligate and he played to their expectations, spending nearly a quarter of his personal wealth in the last two years. This final trip to Monaco, that small piece of not-France, had been the extravagant icing on an extravagant cake. Nearly a million Francs had been spent in the casinos and restaurants of Monte Carlo. Then there was the hotel bill, a week for an entire floor in the Hotel Monaco, the Principality's grandest hotel.

It was dark by the time Claude drove through the outskirts of Nice, slowing to a crawl. Louis allowed himself a couple of glances from underneath his blanket. They drove along the main highway away from Monaco towards the small town of Cannes and the waiting yacht belonging to a rich Hanoverian royalist who was a distant relation to King Edward IX of the United Kingdom.

*

King Louis XXIII looked tired, after all he had officially spent the last two days ill in his rooms of the Hotel Monaco. He was now officially feeling better.

"Would your highness like to see the wine list?" the ever-attentive waiter asked.

King Louis was tempted to reply yes, he wanted to celebrate, but he could not raise suspicions now, He stared at the mountains of France, a country he had now been crowned king of, on its own soil.

"No thank-you," King Louis replied but then he changed his mind. "What Louisianan wines do you have?" So what if the French suspected he had been pretending to be ill. They couldn't do anything. They had complained at the highest level when they had heard that Louis was planning to visit Monaco but of course this had backfired, as Prince Pierre had wanted to prove he wasn't going to be bullied by his larger neighbour.

King Louis waited for the normal ritual of tasting and accepted a very expensive bottle of Louisianan Bordeaux. He waited for the waiter to leave before turning to Claude, his most trusted confident in the Louisianan, small but efficient Secret Service. "We got away with it."

"We did sire, there were several Republican agents watching the hotel throughout your stay."

"Were there?"

"Indeed, we did wonder if they suspected anything."

"It was risky but now that we've got away with it, it was worth it."

"I have to admit sire that I was against this plan from the start. If you had been caught you may have spent longer in gaol than Louis VXII."

"Why did you not say anything?"

"Because you are my king."

King Louis sipped on his wine. "Well in the future I insist that you tell me if you think I am doing something wrong."

"Are you going to play the tables tonight?" Claude asked appearing to ignore the breach in protocol.

"No I think my recent illness has taught me responsibility, I think I might refrain for the rest of my stay. Do you think the French Government will allow me into France, I quite fancy visiting the Palace of Versailles, after all I still technically own it."

Claude did not reply spearing a piece of beef with his fork.

"Do you think we should tell anyone?" King Louis asked.

"I think we should maintain a dignified silence. Of course if the information were ever to leak out, we would neither confirm not deny it."

"I like that plan, it will annoy those republicans even more than if we came out and admitted it."

"I take it you are not planning any more foreign trips?"

"Not near any French territory. Denmark still has royalty. After I have paid my regards to Pé-pé."

"Sire in my new role of telling you when you are doing something wrong, do not call the Monacan head of state Pé-pé."

"I'd like to visit Copenhagen and The Børsen," Louis continued, regretting allowing Claude to disagree with him. It was in Copenhagen that the treaty that exiled his ancestors to Louisiana in 1818 was signed. "I think I'll make a speech."

"I'm sure we can arrange that sire."

King Louis was already planning his Republican-France baiting speech in his head.

# Lost and Found

## Part 1

### Friday the 10th of July

"Where are my keys?"

Dave looked up his wife, she was standing impatiently staring at him, as if it was his fault she had lost her keys. "Wherever you left them," he replied.

"Well obviously, but where did I leave them?"

"Are they in your bag?"

"I've looked."

"Looked in all the pockets, the small one with your lipstick?"

"Yes." Susan started rummaging through her bag. "Oh wait there they are."

"See, where you left them."

"You do that all the time," she was almost accusing him.

"Do what?"

"Tell me where I've left things."

"No I don't."

"So how did you know where my keys were?"

"Well they were in your bag, where they usually are."

"But you knew."

"Well I must have seen you put them in."

"No you left for work before I did."

"Well when you got in."

"No you were in the kitchen."

"What are we arguing about?" Dave was suddenly aware that he was having a pointless argument that he could never win.

"You knew where my keys were."

"And?"

"How did you know?"

"I don't know I just suggested they were in your bag."

"But you said they were in one of the pockets."

"So?"

"Well they were there."

"I don't see what the problem is, you've got your keys, so now you can go out."

"Do you know how annoying that is?"

"What? Me telling you where your keys are when you don't know?"

"Yes," Susan replied slightly reluctantly.

"More annoying than you losing your keys?"

"Nearly. Will you stop watching that telly and talk to me."

"I am talking to you. Your keys were in the pocket of your bag."

"But I never put them there."

"Well they must have fallen in there."

"So how did you know?"

"I didn't know I just suggested it."

Susan just stared at her husband. He was so bloody smug. "Right I'm going to catch you out."

"What are you talking about? Are you going to hide my keys? Just because you can never find yours. That is great for house security that is."

"Right I'm going out."

"Okay then, don't come in too drunk."

"Where am I going?"

"I thought you said you were going round to Helen's for a couple of glasses of wine."

"You could come round and talk to Ben," Susan was sounding a bit more conciliatory.

"He'll just talk about golf," he replied.

"You should take it up."

"I do not want to hit a small ball into a small hole for no reason whatsoever and then do it another 17 times and pay a small fortune for the privilege. Has he told you how much he pays to be a member of that stupid club?"

"No.

"Well he's told me, plenty of times, in fact every time we meet. Anyway have fun."

Bastard, Susan thought. She walked out the front door nearly slamming it. Right, she was going to get him.

Dave watched as his wife locked the front door behind her. She was always losing things. It wasn't difficult to keep track of things was it? Dave thought. All you had to do was remember where you put something. Dave never had any difficulty remembering. Keys, well they were in his left-hand trouser pocket unless of course they were hanging on the hook. He could always picture where he had left his keys. The same with anything really, if you just made a mental note of where something was then it was still there when you looked for it. Susan could never remember where she had left anything.

*

Dave's mobile rang, he looked at the display. Susan, she would be drunk and wanting to chat, whereas he all he wanted to do was watch Bruce Willis blow things up. He paused the TV and answered his phone.

"So where am I then?" Susan accused him

"Round at Libby's"

"Bastard."

"What?"

"Did you follow me?"

"No why on Earth would I do that? Stalk my own wife?"

"So how did you know I was round at Libby's?"

"Because you said so earlier."

"No I said I was going round to Helen's"

"So where are you?"

"Libby's."

"So what's the problem?"

"The problem is, I was going round to Helen's then we both ended up at Libby's and you knew that."

"Are you complaining that I know where you are when you're out?"

"No."

"Sounds like it to me."

There was silence for a few moments, "Bastard." The phone went dead.

Dave shrugged his shoulders, had Susan said she was going round to Helen's? Yes she had. He remembered thinking about playing boring golf and Ben played golf and spoke about little else. Libby's husband played golf but he could talk about other things. Why was he thinking about this? Susan seemed upset with him about something, but for the life of him he couldn't work out what it was. He pressed the play button.

### Saturday the 11th of July

Dave woke and carefully crawled out of bed. Susan was snoring. He vaguely remembered her noisily coming in, shushing and giggling. He got up, searched his pockets for his keys, they weren't there. Oh yes he'd dropped them in his shoe.

*

Susan awoke with an incredible hangover, the sun was pouring in through the bedroom window, she must get some better blinds. Dave was already awake; he would be as bright as a shiny annoying button.

"Hello darling?" he said.

"Hmmfff."

"Coffee?"

"Yes please."

"I'm just going out to get the papers. Want anything for your hangover."

Susan just shook her head.

"What time did I come in last night?"

"About two. You were making a terrible noise. Clattering and giggling. Woke me up, I'm just glad you weren't sick like you were the last time."

Susan tried to remember coming in, she was going to hide Dave's keys in his shoe. She was glad she hadn't because she might not have remembered doing it and then Dave would have been annoyed with her.

"Do you remember phoning me last night?" Dave asked.

"Yes sorry I was drunk. I'm going back to sleep." She hid her head under the duvet.

"What about the coffee?"

"Later. You should really come out with me next time instead of being sad and lonely."

"Well, okay perhaps next time I might."

### Friday the 17th of July

"Did I say that Dot has asked us round to the pub? It's Jim's birthday. You've to come as well, help him celebrate. You've met Jim before, he doesn't play golf."

"Oh okay then," Dave replied. "Will there be cake?"

"I doubt it."

"Ah well cake and beer don't really mix." Best go and get drunk some of the time, keep Susan happy. He enjoyed a good drink; just not the boring sports based banter that always went with it. Worst thing pubs ever did was put big screens in that showed nothing but football. The was only so much piss-taking you could do before boredom set in.

"There will be a big group of us and you won't be stuck for a conversation and then we're going back to their house for some more drinks and some nibbles."

*

There wasn't football on the telly, there was golf. The open or something. "You know what would make golf more interesting?"

"What?"

"Tigers."

"Tiger Woods?"

"No tigers in the woods."

"We're off to Jim and Dot's," Helen said. "Enjoying yourself?"

"I'll follow on after I've finished this pint."

*

"Did you hide Dave's keys?" Helen asked as she struggled with the cork-screw. "You said you were going to."

"So I did," Susan replied. "I don't think so, he had them in the morning, to be honest I don't really remember it was all a bit of a blur. I don't even remember walking home."

"Let's hide them now."

"No he's actually talking to Jim, let's not disturb him if he's being sociable, you have no idea how hard it is to drag him out."

"He seems quite happy now."

"Yes well he's got a beer hasn't he."

"Come on," Helen said grabbing Susan's and Libby's sleeves, "let's get his keys and hide them."

Dave was suddenly aware of some movement behind him and then Helen, Susan's friend, rugby tackled him. He collapsed onto the grass. Helen was holding him down while Libby was on top searching through his pockets. What was going on?

"Got them," Libby shouted, and Dave saw the flash of the blue of his key-ring as Libby ran off followed by a giggling Helen.

"What was all that about?" Jim asked.

"Susan has been going on at me for the last week about finding keys," Dave replied getting up and looking at his grass stained top. At least he would have a good reason for messy clothes when he got a bollocking later. "I'm not sure what she's on about. As far as I can work out she gets annoyed cause she always loses hers and I know where they are. Last Friday she lost her keys, I told her where they were and then she got angry."

"Had you hidden them?"

"No, wouldn't dare, they were in her bag."

"So why couldn't she find them?"

"She just hadn't looked."

"So how did you know where they were?"

"I don't know, they're usually in her bag, I must have guessed."

"So where are they now?" Jim asked.

"Susan's keys?"

"Yes?"

"In her bag, again."

"And yours?"

"Libby ran off with them, now Ben's got them."

"So how come he's got them?"

"She handed them to him."

"But you can't see him," Jim said.

"Eh?"

"So how come... Come on, Ben's over there, let's go get them."

Jim and Dave walked over to where Ben was talking to Gregor. "Can I have my keys back?" Dave asked.

"These them?" Ben asked pulling out Dave's key-ring. "Why did Libby have them?"

"I can't be bothered explaining again."

"How did you know?" Susan said appearing from behind Ben.

"Know what?"

"Ben had your keys."

"I was discussing it with Jim."

"But," Jim said, "you told me Ben had them and you knew without seeing Libby hand them to Ben."

Dave tried to remember the conversation, he had mentioned Ben first, but then he knew... He couldn't be bothered. He finished his bottle of beer. "More beer anyone?"

"Don't mind if I do," Jim replied.

"No wait you're not getting away that easy. How did you know Libby had given Ben your keys?" Susan demanded.

Dave was now aware that everyone was staring at him.

"I don't know, I just sort of knew, I must have guessed or something."

"Let's try it again," Helen suggested.

"Can I suggest we do it with something other than my keys," Dave said. He didn't fancy someone deliberately hiding his keys and then not remembering where they had put them.

"Like what?"

"I don't know, this beer bottle."

"Right," Helen took it away. "No peeking,"

"I've always hated this game," Dave said.

"What do you mean?" Ben replied taking another swig of beer.

"Hide and seek, it's not difficult is it?"

"Of course it is. It is difficult because you don't know where anyone is."

"But people always hide in the easiest of places, and then say you cheat when you find them."

Helen reappeared. "Right where's the beer bottle then?"

Dave thought for a moment. "Don't know. You've hidden it."

"This is no good, you've got to try."

"I know where it is," Dave said. "Follow me."

Dave walked into the kitchen opened the fridge, got himself out another beer. "Here it is." He walked over to a table and looked under it, picked the bottle opener off the floor and opened his bottle. He suddenly realised he was alone but there was a large trampoline waiting to get bounced on.

### Saturday the 18th of July

For once Dave had the hangover and Susan was the bright and cheerful one.

"Morning sleepy-head," she said.

"Good m'ing," Dave replied.

"Have you seen my purse?"

"In your underwear drawer."

"Thanks darling."

*

"Can we have a chat?" Susan asked, "I'm not sure whether to be happy or what."

Dave peered over the duvet. "Okay," the way Susan had been speaking, it sounded really serious. With all the shit that had been going on over the last few days Dave wouldn't have been surprised she said she was going to divorce him.

"Did you never like hide and seek, when you were little?"

"Are you still going on about this?" At least divorce wasn't coming up directly. What are the grounds for divorce? My client's husband cheated at hide and seek when he was a child.

"I am serious, so just humour me."

"Okay."

"What used to happen when you played hide and seek when you were little?"

"We didn't play it often, I always won, then I would be accused of cheating and then we'd fall out. It wasn't worth it. Then whenever anyone suggested it, I would refuse to play because I didn't want to have a fight and then a fight would ensue because of that. Why do you ask?"

"This morning, I hid my purse in my underwear drawer, you were fast asleep. Then when you woke up, I asked you where it was. You knew."

"So what are you saying?"

"I am saying that you always know where something is?"

"Don't be daft, that's silly, anyway I wasn't pretending last night. I didn't know where the beer bottle was."

"Well maybe you don't always know where something is, but you do have a knack for it."

Dave said nothing for a few moments. "Pretty crap super-power though, I'd much rather have invisibility or fly or teleport."

"So where are my keys?"

"In with the knives," Dave replied before he could stop himself, 'shit."

"So how did you know?" Susan was really staring at him.

"I sort of saw you leave them there but now if I think about it, I know I couldn't have, didn't."

"I think you sort of justify it in your mind." Susan was almost jumping. There was nothing worse than a happy bouncy person when you had a hangover.

"So are you happy now?" Dave asked.

"Well yes this time last week I thought you deliberately annoying me. This week, hey my husband has a super-power." She danced over to the window. "So what did you think was going on?"

"I just thought you were finding crap to argue about. You know pointless things."

"I never do that."

"Can I go back to sleep now?" Dave was not going to answer that. He was not in the mood for another argument. "And can you stop jumping about."

### Sunday the 19th of July

"Right I've hidden the following things about the house," Susan said, "my purse, my keys, the ketchup..."

"The ketchup?" Dave replied. He was actually beginning to enjoy himself.

"Well yes, if we're going to find out how this works we need to experiment. The ketchup, a knife, and my Abba Gold CD."

"How this works?"

"Well there must be limitations or rules."

Dave wasn't convinced, there would be rules, however if it kept Susan happy.

"Keys. They're in the bathroom cabinet. Purse, that's under the sofa, ketchup, the fridge where you always keep it? Knife and CD, sorry no idea."

"Two out of five, you got the ketchup wrong."

"So it's not infallible, in fact 40% success rate is pretty crap."

"No, no," Susan said excitedly "I think it only works with certain things. Things that you're really attached to."

"Yeh, well I'm not really attached to Abba am I? Perhaps it's only important things. Can you do me a favour?"

"What's that?"

"Don't tell anyone at the moment."

"Why ever not? This is fantastic."

"How many people do you know with a super-power? Anyway what would you say? Err my husband is an X-man."

"Well no, perhaps... Right stay there while I go and hide some more things."

*

"I've got it," Susan said after another hour's experimentation. "It's uniqueness."

"Eh?"

"Things like bunches of keys, well there's only one of those, well there are lots of keys but each bunch is unique. Same for purses but there are lots of bottles of beer or ketchup."

"And Abba sold a lot of CDs, an awful lot. Awful being the operative word."

Susan stared at her husband.

"So what are we going to do now?" Dave asked, 'Now that you've worked its rules out, are you going to give it a rest?"

"No you could find Lord Lucan, Where's he?"

"Dead in Africa."

"Sure?"

"Yes I saw a TV program about it once. Botswana I think."

"You're not taking this seriously. What about the Holy Grail?"

"No thanks, I've already got one," Dave replied in a silly French accent.

"What?"

"You really need to watch that film."

"What film? And what about Shergar? Could you find him?"

Dave sat and thought. He concentrated on the whereabouts of the last drinking vessel of Christ and a dead racehorse. Nothing. "Can I put the telly on now? Anyway say I found them how would people be able to identify them. Oh here's the Holy Grail by the way, yes I know it's a bit dirty oh and this horse's skeleton it really is Shergar."

"They could DNA it, he must have lots of descendants."

Dave just stared at Susan.

### Tuesday the 21st of July

'Lost – Felix, black and white cat', owners didn't show much imagination in naming their cat then, Susan thought. 'Last seen in the area of Grove Hill, if found please phone...' Susan studied the picture of the cat. Just the thing to try out her husband's newly discovered super-power.

*

"Felix? A cat?"

"Yes, so do you know where he is?"

Dave shook his head. "No, nor do I know where Tiddles is, or..."

"Come on, let's go and find him."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, what else were you going to do?"

"I didn't have any plans but I certainly don't want to trawl the streets looking for lost pets."

"Come on," Susan threw Dave his coat. "I'll drive, you can use your super senses to go looking for cats."

"Look I've been thinking, perhaps..."

"No we're going to see if we can use this for real. So no wimping out and no pretending." Susan stared at her husband daring him.

Dave stared back his wife. "Right I'll do my best this evening, but see if I can't find what's his name?"

"Felix."

"Yes Felix, then we forget this whole episode."

"See if you do find him, I'm going to make you a cape."

"You're not selling this very well."

"What should we use as your superhero name? Find-it Man?"

Dave just wished Susan would give it a rest, unfortunately, he knew his wife too well.

*

Susan drove round for about ten minutes. Dave said nothing for the whole period. Eventually Susan's frustrations got the better of her. "Well?"

"Nothing."

"Sure?"

"Positive. It's as you said, it's got to mean something to me, and Felix to me is just a black and white annoyance that shits in our garden."

"Look there's one of the posters. Let's see if it helps," Susan said slowing the car down.

Dave stared at the poster; he got out the car and examined it. He ripped it off the lamppost. "Come on let's go," he said getting back into the car.

"Where?"

"That way."

Susan drove south.

"Right here," Dave ordered.

"Do you mean turn right?"

"Yes what else would I mean?"

Susan turned and drove along a narrow road. "Well could mean right... oh never mind."

"Left here."

"By the river?"

"Yes."

Susan drove along the bumpy track. "You sure?"

"Stop here."

Susan stopped the car. Dave jumped out and ran down towards the riverbank. He stopped, there floating in the water, jammed between two rocks was the black and white corpse of Felix. Dave looked around, after a few minutes he found a branch. He tried to manoeuvre the corpse towards him.

"Careful," Susan said from behind.

"Bugger," Dave said as the cat drifted further away.

"Is it dead?"

"Of course it's dead."

"What are you going to do with it?" Susan asked.

Dave stopped. "I hadn't really thought that far ahead."

"Have you got your phone?"

"Yes."

"I think we should phone the owners."

*

"Thank-you," Felix's owner said. "The girls will be very upset."

"Just disappointed that it couldn't be better news."

"So how did you find him?"

"We were down by the river, and saw him, and we'd seen the posters. So we thought we would phone you." It wasn't the full truth, but Dave wasn't going to admit that he had been nagged by his wife to looking for lost cats using a recently discovered super-power.

*

Dave and Susan got back into their car; they drove back home in silence.

"Want a beer?" Susan asked.

"Fuck yes."

"Pub?"

*

"Do you think we should tell anyone?" Susan asked, nursing her glass of Chardonnay.

"Tell them what?"

"That you can find things."

"Tell who? The police? What am I supposed to do? Go and walk into the police station and say, 'Oh by the way I can find all your missing persons'? They'd arrest me after the first corpse under the concrete of the M4 was unearthed."

"Are there any...? Oh here's Helen and Ben."

"Pint?" Ben asked walking over.

"Don't mind if I do?" Dave replied.

"Glass of wine Susan? We don't often see you in here."

"No we thought we'd just drop in," Susan replied.

"Been up to much?" Ben asked

"Just been down by the river," Dave replied. "There was a dead cat."

"I've just hit a round for 85. Got a birdie at the 9th."

Dave didn't want to discuss super-powers but please God anything but golf. He felt his brain begin to glaze over.

### Thursday the 23rd of July

"Can you get it?" Susan shouted as the doorbell rang for the second time.

"Got it," Dave replied opening the door. "Hello Jim. Come in, to what do we owe the pleasure?"

Jim looked a bit wary. "Are you still doing the finding thing?" he asked.

"The finding thing?"

"Yes you know the other evening at our house."

"Have you lost something?"

"We're going to a wedding tomorrow and I can't find one of my cufflinks."

Susan emerged to the sound of a flushing toilet. "Hi Jim."

"He's lost a cufflink," Dave explained.

"Well come on Dave, let's go over and see if we can find it," Susan winked at her husband.

*

"Have you looked on the floor of the wardrobe?" Dave asked.

"Yes three times."

"In the back? It could have fallen out of its box."

"Yes," Jim replied, emptying out the shelf of his wardrobe. "Oh there it is. You found it."

"It was in the obvious place really," Dave replied.

"I owe you one."

"We'd better get back," Dave replied.

*

"I thought you wouldn't find it so quickly," Susan said.

"So did I, I just said the back of the wardrobe as a normal suggestion. I wanted to waste a good twenty minutes and then find it just before we gave up unless it was in a really silly place, like down the bog, then I don't know what I would have done."

Susan just started to laugh.

### Monday the 27th of July

Susan picked up her plate, took it through to the living room. Dave followed. Susan switched on the television.

"On the news tonight, a daring robbery, three Turners have been stolen from the National Gallery. Police are refusing to reveal how the pieces were stolen. A reward of £250,000 is being offered as a reward for their return."

"Hear that?" Susan said. "They're offering a reward."

"So?" Dave replied suddenly paying an interest in the TV.

"We could collect it."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes."

"And what do we say when we're interviewed by the police. 'So Mr. Green, how did you come to know of the missing paintings?"

"If they arrest you it has to be for an actual crime and you haven't committed one."

"The crime they'll arrest me for, is stealing three paintings."

"They won't have any evidence."

"Apart from the fact I showed them where they were."

"And you were nowhere near London."

"I could, look I don't know."

"Well, we tell them anonymously."

"And how do we collect the reward? Anyway what are the paintings?"

"'Sun rising through vapour, something about Dutch boats, and something about Carthage, you know where Hannibal came from, you're thinking about this?"

"Perhaps, we'll have to go to London and that's a long way away and I don't fancy driving round there. The traffic there scares me."

"We could get a taxi."

"Well that won't cost much."

"So this gift of yours, do you physically have to go and search for it?"

"I don't know, all I've found is a dead cat and stuff you've hidden, so let's not get too excited."

"And the cuff-link."

"No I didn't"

Susan sat silently.

"Right if you can finance this search," Dave continued, "avoid me getting arrested and ensure we remain anonymous then I'll consider it."

"You only need to remain anonymous until they arrest the thieves."

"Who are not going to be too pleased with me fingering them. And when I say fingering I mean fingering in the non-sexual meaning."

### Thursday the 30th of July

"I've been looking in the London A-Z," Dave said.

"And why are you telling me this?" Susan asked.

"I know where the paintings are."

"Are you sure?"

"No I'm not sure actually. Because I'm acting on a gut feeling that I can do something no ordinary human can do. Having said that I'm pretty damn sure that they're on page 43. Not only that, I know the grid reference."

Susan stared at her husband. "What should we do?"

"We somehow send an anonymous message to the National Gallery, saying where they are and to donate the reward money to charity."

"We need to add in a code word."

"What do you mean?" Dave asked.

"Well we add in a word that means that when they receive another tip-off from us then they know it's the real deal."

"Shit."

"What?"

"I hadn't really thought that far ahead." Dave's mind was going through possible scenarios. "So what word would you use?"

"Ketchup?"

"Don't be silly, let's use Abba songs. Code word is Fernando. Then next time we'll use Waterloo. It will get people really wondering what the pattern is and if they start looking for a pattern then they won't be looking for us."

"Is it near Waterloo station?

"I don't think so." Dave leafed through the A-Z. "No."

"If there's something in Glasgow, then we use Super Trooper," Susan said.

Why?"

"They mention Glasgow in the song."

Dave thought for a moment, "No let's not do a real pattern, let's just make it random. Real patterns, they'll be too difficult to do and they'll never suspect me, I don't like Abba."

### Saturday the 4th of August

"Police have announced that they have recovered the three stolen Turner paintings stolen from the National Gallery last month, after receiving two anonymous tip-offs. The reward is going to be split between the two different..."

"Bastards," Susan said.

"What are you complaining about?"

"Someone has stolen our thunder."

Dave just laughed.

"Stop it," Susan threw a cushion at him.

"Look it's not as if we were actually going to get the money, it was going to charity. Anyway they received two tip-offs, next time we send one they'll have to take notice as ours was accurate."

## Part 2

### Wednesday the 14th of August

The letter would have been ignored, filed along with all the other hoax and attention seeking letters, apart from one thing, the signature. Detective Sergeant Billings, reread it. It gave specific directions to the location of six-year-old Alice Budd, who had been snatched off the streets of Salford two days previously. The interesting feature of the letter, well more of a note really was the signature, 'Waterloo'.

The location of the stolen Turner paintings had been revealed by two sources. One, an informant who gave detailed information about the theft and where the paintings were. Then there was the additional letter that just gave the address of where they were held. The letter was signed Fernando.

Now here was a completely unrelated case, nothing in common apart from a letter mentioning 'Abba'. There were two things to do; forensics and get a search warrant for the address.

*

"Go go go," DS Billings said into his mic. Police ran into the terraced house. Three minutes later, two people had been arrested and missing Alice Budd had been found, locked in a wardrobe.

*

Forensics confirmed that the paper and ink for the two letters were identical. Both were post marked in the centre of Newcastle. This was going to get interesting. Two completely unrelated cases but anonymous tip-offs from the same source.

*

DS Billings had reluctantly agreed to handle the press conference. He stood up on the podium, he intended to make this as brief as possible.

"We can confirm that Alice Budd was found today in a terraced house in Manchester after an anonymous tip-off. Alice has been reunited with her parents. Two people have been arrested as a result of the incident. Are there any questions? Yes."

"Has Alice been abused?"

"We are waiting for the medical reports."

"What was the motive?"

"Investigations are ongoing."

"What was the source of the tip-off?"

"It was anonymous, we have no clue to the person's identity. Though if they want to contact the police I would be more than happy to speak to them."

"So how did the anonymous source know where they were?"

What sort of question was that? They were anonymous. "I do not have that information."

"Did the suspects have previous convictions?"

### Monday the 19th of August

There were three escapees from Barlinnie

Frank, James and Wee Jimmy

They hid in a van

Threatened a man

They made the police look such ninnies

Apart from the limerick, there only one other line to the letter

'They could be found on the attached map on Saturday – Supertrooper.

Now they were just taking the piss. DS Billings looked at the attached map. Three addresses were circled in the East End of Glasgow. He lifted his phone. "Get me Strathclyde Police."

### Wednesday the 21st of August

"There's a man from MI5 to see you?"

DS Billings looked up at Jean. "Eh?"

"There's a man from MI5 to see you."

"What does he want?"

"He didn't say."

Well whatever it was, it couldn't be less boring than the paperwork.

*

"DS Billings?"

"Yes."

"We would like to speak to you in private."

"Who is we?"

"I would," the might-be-an-MI5 man said smiling.

*

It was strange being interviewed in one of their own interview rooms, DS Billings thought. He had done so many interviews in the past sitting at the opposite side of the table. "So what can I do you for?" he asked.

"You have been receiving letters that having been giving you the location of people or items you've been looking for."

"Not just me, I didn't get involved until the Alice Budd case."

"Nevertheless the last one was addressed to you personally."

"Well yes, we suspect, whoever was responsible, had seen the press conference and picked up my name from there. Why are you interested?"

"It would appear that someone is doing something very unusual. There is nothing to link the three cases."

"Apart from the Abba letters."

"So who knows about the Abba connection?"

"As few people as possible. Most police forces will have somebody who knows, because after the second letter, they were all alerted to letters post marked Newcastle giving a reference to Abba. Having said that, all three have been accurate. Only one of the Glasgow fugitives was caught, but we know that the information we were given was accurate. If you want further details of the case then you'll need to contact Strathclyde."

"One of my colleagues is already speaking to them. Ever been to Glasgow?"

"Never had the need."

"Newcastle?"

"A couple of times in the last couple of years when we've needed to interview suspects. Been to Manchester several times."

"Manchester?"

"Alice Budd."

"Of course."

"So do you have any idea of who is sending these letters?"

"None apart from the obvious, a Geordie, Abba obsessive and even those clues could be designed to put us off the scent."

The might-be-an-MI5 man leant back on his chair and put his hands together. "I will leave you my contact number. As soon as you get any more of these letters you are to let me know immediately."

DS Billings nodded. "You've not told me your name."

"That is true I have not."

"Well I have to call you something."

"Call me Des."

### Friday the 23rd of August

The next letter arrived two days later.

'Where are the two Glaswegians I hear you say.

The Tay, the Tay, the silvery Tay.

Is that the fugitives I see?

You might find them in Dundee.

See attached map. Voulez-vous want some more?'

"Jean, can you get Tayside police on the phone and get ready to fax them a copy of this map, I'd better get the MI5 or MI6 or whatever man."

*

"Who has touched the letter?" Des said holding the plastic bag containing the 'Dundee' letter.

"Nobody apart from me and Detective Jones."

"We are going to require the originals."

"I take it you want to be informed if any more arrive."

"Of course."

### Saturday the 24th of August

"Hello Des, we've just received another letter."

"And?"

"It's a list of Britain's most wanted."

"The one that was broadcast on Thursday night?"

"The very same."

"There are ten maps, it says we've got to guess who is hiding where."

"Take no action until we have arrived. We will be taking over."

DS Billings suddenly wondered if the 'Special on Britain's most Wanted' had been broadcast in order to solicite a letter. It had been a change to 'our normal programming.' He had some holidays accrued. Perhaps he should go up to Newcastle, and speak to a few people up there. See if anyone had bought a lot of street maps recently.

## Part 3

### Wednesday the 28th of August

"There's been nothing on the news," Dave said as sunny intervals were predicted for most of Britain. "No notice of any arrests, I'm worried that we've been too ambitious."

"Or too cheeky. I'm still not sure bad poetry was the way to go," Susan replied pointing the remote and turning the volume up.

Dave sat and thought, "Let's do nothing for a while."

"We could see where the most wanted are. It's not as if they can hide their hiding places from us. Break out the road map again."

Dave brought up the pictures of the most wanted on the computer screen. He concentrated on the first image and started flipping through the road map of Britain. "He's still in the same place, so's he and him. Do you think they've not received it?"

"Possible, but unlikely, we could always send a reminder, you know the same list and tell them to get their fingers out their arses."

"He's moved. Number five, he's in a different place, I don't like this at all," Dave was worried.

"What do you think is happening?"

"I don't know, but I can't believe they're just sitting idly by while someone sends them lots of info on their most serious cases. Let's send a reminder but post it somewhere different."

"Do you really think they're watching every post-box in Newcastle?"

"Yes I do, call me paranoid, but there must be people wondering who I am."

"You're paranoid."

"Thanks. Let's nip down to Manchester to visit your parents at the weekend, we'll post a reminder then, if they're still in the same places and not been arrested. The 'most wanted' been arrested that is, not your parents. If your parents have been arrested then the shit has really hit the old fan."

"I suppose we could."

"I'm going to have a beer."

"You look really worried love,"

"I am really worried, do you think people might be really interested in seeing how I do this?"

"Like what?"

"Want to cut up my brain."

"They wouldn't do that."

"Why not?"

"Kill the goose that laid the golden egg, if anyone is interested in you then they'll want you alive and happy."

"Happy?"

"Well yes you can't do the trick when you're stressed."

"We don't know that."

"Neither do they, anyway I've watched you, you need to concentrate, you can't do that when worrying over other things."

"Do you not worry about your safety?" Dave asked

"What do you mean?"

"Well people may use you to get to me."

"You're being paranoid again."

"Perhaps, but first I'm going to write that new letter. Wait put gloves on when loading paper into the printer."

"What?"

"Put your marigolds on, we don't want fingerprints on the paper."

Susan stared at Dave and then went through to the kitchen. She obviously thought he was being overly paranoid.

### Saturday the 31st of August

Susan glanced around, was Dave's paranoia rubbing off on her? No they'd be watching Newcastle post-boxes, if they were watching any of them not Manchester ones. She glanced around again. Damn, just post the damned letter. The letter dropped into the bottom of the post-box. Right back to see if Dave had killed her parents yet.

*

"Did you post your letter dear?" Dave asked as she returned.

"Yes, sorry, I meant to do it on the way here and we forgot."

"Would like some tea Susan?" her mother asked.

"I'd love a cup."

"You know your father and I were just saying that we haven't seen much of you recently. We would come and visit you in Newcastle, but with your father's hip it makes travelling so much harder for us."

"You could get the train and we'd pick you up from the station."

"But rail prices are so expensive these days."

Yes perhaps we would visit, if you didn't just complain as soon as we arrived, Susan thought.

"And we're not getting any younger."

### Monday the 1st of September

Dave and Susan scanned the newspaper. There was nothing suitable, no missing children, no more missing paintings.

"Bugger," Susan said.

"Are you wanting there to be major crimes?" Dave asked.

"Well no."

"I'm off to work."

"Have fun at the office," Susan said as part of their morning ritual.

"Have fun in the shop."

It was only a short walk from the bus stop to the office, but Dave was convinced he was being watched, nothing specific but a general feeling. Was this how madness started?

*

"A little boy has gone missing," Susan said as Dave walked in the door. "It's in the Chronicle."

Dave didn't reply. The feeling of being watched had followed him all day. Was this a side effect of being able to find things? Can a feeling of being followed, follow you about?

"You have to find him," Susan continued.

How could he say no.

"Are you alright?" Susan asked.

"Actually, no. I've been feeling strange all day, like someone is watching me."

"Well nobody is watching you."

"How do you know?"

"Well I suppose I don't. Sorry love."

"Do they have a picture?"

"Picture?"

"Of the missing boy."

"Oh yes."

"I'll get the street map out."

Dave started reading the Chronicle. "You know after Alice, I read up on missing children and the quicker you find them the more likely you are to find them alive." Dave scribbled down an address.

"What are you going to do?" Susan asked.

"Phone the local police from a phone-box, give them an Abba title, the address and tell them to get there."

"I'll do it." Susan said, "Time for Ring Ring or S.O.S?"

"No make it an obvious Abba title. Have we used Chiquatita? And go to the city centre and get the bus."

"Any other instructions oh paranoid one."

"Stop it, I'm not in the mood."

*

"Right I don't have long, you may be tracing this call. Code word Chiquatita. The missing boy can be found..."

Susan only had to wait five minutes for the bus back.

*

"Come on into the car?" Dave said as Susan got off the bus.

"Why?"

"You were followed."

"How can you tell?" Susan asked.

"I just know."

Dave drove off into the night.

"Where are we going?" Susan asked.

"I don't know yet. I packed a bag for you, I was sort of following you in my mind and then I got the feeling that you were followed back."

"Why are you going this way?"

"They aren't this way."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes I'm fine."

"No you're not. This is not the behaviour of a normal person."

"In case you hadn't noticed I'm not a normal person."

That was a good answer but didn't really address the issue, but Susan had had enough. For the first time, she regretted getting Dave to try and find things.

"Right Dave, stop the car. This has gone far enough. We are not being followed."

"Yes we are, they are a couple of blocks behind us."

"Dave you're scaring me."

"Sorry dear, but you were being followed all the way home."

The traffic lights in front of Dave changed to red. As he stopped, Susan jumped out the car.

"Get back in," Dave said winding the window down.

Susan backed away from the car. "No, we were not followed. I am going home and I'm going to stay there and tomorrow I am going to go to work as normal and so will you."

"Shit, they're coming, get back in the car."

"No Dave, you've been acting strange ever since we first started doing this. There is no big conspiracy to get you." Susan was almost crying now.

Dave was aware of a car closing in. "Right I'll come and get you. Remember I'll know where you are."

"I'll be at home you daft bugger."

"Then I'll come back. Got to go now."

*

Susan had been too annoyed to notice the car draw up behind her.

"Susan Green?"

One of the men got out of the car.

"Yes." Damn she should have said no. Dave had been right, she had been followed, who the fuck were they?

"Will you come with us?"

"No."

"I'm afraid you don't have a choice."

"Bugger off."

"Will you get in the car? We only want to chat."

"Help," Susan screamed. She started to run.

*

South! There were more roads that way, no point going north, that way, there was only the A1 to Edinburgh.

Dave stopped at a cash machine, took out the £200 limit. Right he wasn't going to touch that again until... when he had to, he supposed.

He was tired, but he had to keep on going. Did they have the car number? And who were they? Was there anyone who he could trust? Ultimately no, but there was always the detective from the press release, Billings that was his name. Better to trust someone you chose than chose you.

### Tuesday the 2nd of September

It was early morning when Dave reached London, whoever had been following him, seemed to have either given up or he'd lost them. He got out the A-Z, He and Susan had got one of every major British city now. Where was Scotland Yard? And how did this boundary charge thing work?

*

"I wish to speak to a Sergeant Billings."

"Who should I say is calling?"

Dave was too tired to be clever and give an actual Abba song title. Were there any with men's names, he couldn't think of any. "I've been in contact with him. I've been sending him useful info. They've all contained the names of Abba songs."

The man on the desk looked at him. They must get all sorts of strange requests in here, Dave thought.

There was a brief phone-call. "He's not in yet. Due in half an hour, can anyone else help?"

Dave shook his head.

"Well just take a seat."

*

"You wanted to speak to me?" DS Billing said. Dave could detect the sound of slight boredom in his voice.

"Yes, I'm the one who has been sending you letters with where things are and signing them with Abba songs."

DS Billings suddenly looked more interested.

"Can you give me anymore information?"

"Sorry about the poems, they were funny at the time."

DS Billings began to stare at him. "Why are you here now?"

"Last night my wife phoned in the location of a missing boy."

"David Cross?"

"Yes how is he?"

'He's safe and well with his parents."

"Good."

"So again, why are you here and why now?"

"Well my wife was followed back from where she phoned in the details, but she thought I was acting paranoid."

"And where is she now?"

Dave had been too tired to think straight, he should have checked. He concentrated for a moment. She wasn't home. "I don't know, I'll have to get a map out to locate her, she's not home and she should be."

"How do you know?"

"That's it, I just know where anything is when I concentrate on it."

"How long have you been able to do this?"

"All my life I think, but I just wasn't really aware of it until a couple of months ago. I was doing it subconsciously. Why didn't you arrest Britain's most wanted?"

"We gave the information to MI5 or MI6, they've been looking for you."

"Why?"

"Why do you think? You can find anyone or anything you're looking for."

"Well I want to find my wife."

"You realise I am going to have to contact Des. My secret service contact."

Dave slowly nodded; it wasn't as if he had much choice. "Oh can you do me one favour?"

"What?"

"I've sort of abandoned my car outside, can you make sure it's not towed away or clamped."

*

"So Mrs. Green, how did you know where these people are?"

Susan stared at the woman. If they realised that it was really Dave doing the finding, she was in deep shit. She would have to lie, make it unreliable.

*

"How do I know that you really are working for the government?"

"Trust me," Des replied.

"He is," DS Billings replied. "I checked."

Des stared at DS Billing.

"What? I have friends in the secret services."

"So now what?" Dave asked.

"We want you to work for her Majesty's government," Des said.

"Do you know where my wife is?" Dave asked.

"Can I point out that we do not have her, whoever was after her was not working for us. We were close to finding you but hadn't got there yet."

"So can you do your magic?" DS Billings asked.

Dave nodded.

"What do you need?"

"Maps and accurate ones. What do you want me to find?"

"A memory stick has gone missing..."

"Can't do it. It has to be something unique, something I can picture in my head. So no gold bullion or such like. People yes, works of art, unique jewellery. Any others?"

"We arrested nine of the most wanted last night, can you tell us where the tenth went? He escaped."

"Give me his photo and maps of the surrounding area, or even better Google Earth. I'll locate him but then we go looking for my wife. I want DS Billings to come as well."

Des turned to DS Billings, "Ever done firearm training?"

He shook his head.

"Pity an extra weapon would have been useful."

### Wednesday the 3rd of September

"Are you sure she's on there?" Des asked staring at the ship on the horizon.

"Definitely," Dave replied.

Des lowered his binoculars. "I'm taking a big risk."

"Well I've not been wrong before."

"And you'll be able to find her?"

"I'm sure."

"Well let's go," Des spoke into his radio and the boat accelerated over the North Sea towards the ferry.

"I know I've been acting paranoid," Dave said, "but they, whoever they are, must know that I'll be able to find her."

"They won't know the specifics of your gift." Des remarked. "We didn't."

"They must know that I can find people, so they will know that once I'm on board that I can get her."

"Are you suggesting it's a trap?"

"No, I'm not sure what I'm suggesting, I'm just saying that this is almost too easy. Should we not wait until the ship docks in Amsterdam?"

"Foreign country, British ferry."

"Kidnapping, I'm sure the Dutch..."

"Believe me when I say we need to do this now. We cannot give them the opportunity to get Susan into another country and we can't let any other country get involved. So do you know how to use a weapon?"

Dave shook his head.

"We're going to have to teach you but we're going to have an armed guard for this little mission."

The ferry grew larger as they sped towards it. Dave kept concentrating on Susan. She was still on the ship.

As they drew alongside Dave realised how their boat was dwarfed by the ferry.

"I suppose now's not the time to say I don't like ladders," Dave said warily looking at the side of the boat.

"Just don't look down," Des said grabbing hold onto one of the rungs.

It took Dave three attempts to grab a rung. As he held on, he felt the boat move further away as his legs moved away from him. The North Sea looked cold. The boat bounced closer to the ship and Dave got a foot onto one of the rungs. He started to climb. He wished the ship would not move about so much.

He was aware of some people behind him, climbing up after him.

Dave was relieved when he got onto the deck; they were met by a man who Dave assumed would be the captain.

"Anything we can help with?" the captain asked.

"Just be ready to open any cabin doors we ask for." Des replied. "and keep the rest of the passengers away, there might be some trouble."

"This way," Dave said walking towards the bow. He was aware of Des, the captain, DS Billings and four other people follow him. He paused, stopped and walked through a hatch and then down some stairs. He walked through the ferry until he finally stopped outside a small cabin.

"This is it?"

"Right Captain, can you get me in?" Des asked. "And how large are these cabins?"

The captain handed Des a key. "Master key for the cabins on this deck. Two rooms and a bathroom."

Des quietly unlocked the door. The four guards pulled out small handguns, the Captain stepped back, a look of worry and surprise on his face.

Des pulled out his own gun, counted down on his fingers. Three, two, one. He kicked the door open. Two men were playing cards. They looked up in surprise and slowly raised their hands.

"Captain please prevent anyone else from coming down this corridor," Des said entering the room.

Dave, DS Billings and the four agents followed Des. Des closed the door behind them.

Dave nodded towards the door to the other room.

Des and one of the agents covered the cabin door.

Two of the agents were now frisking the card-players while one stood back and covered them. Des slowly opened the remaining door. "Don't even think about it darling," he said.

Dave looked to see a red-eyed Susan and another woman.

"Dave," Susan shouted. "I knew you'd find me. Who are these people?" she asked if only noticing Des for the first time. She ran over and hugged Dave. "Oh he was on the telly," she said looking at DS Billings.

"This is Des and he's a spy. Are you okay?"

"They kept questioning me about how I had known the answers to where things were."

"And?"

"I said I dreamed the answers."

"Smart girl."

The woman suddenly opened her mouth.

"We were worried that it was a trap," Dave said. "You were the bait to get me here."

Susan looked into the room. "There's one more of them."

Des was speaking into a radio. "We'll get a live link for when the ferry unloads. We'll ID him from that. Meanwhile a chopper is on its way. To take us all back."

Dave took Des to the back of the room, "I could find him." He whispered. "All I need is a photograph. If he's left his passport in this room..."

Des nodded to Dave. "Right, let's get them out of here," he turned to the other four agents. "Cuff 'em Danno."

"I thought it was "Book 'em Danno," DC Billings said.

Des ignored him as he started rifling through the room's contents.

*

"That's him," Des said as they saw the other man coming down the corridor.

The fugitive started to run.

The two remaining agents started to chase after him.

"Don't waste your time," Des said. "Dave can find him."

The two agents stopped and turned to look at Dave. It was a new way of thinking for them. A paradigm shift, that's what it was called.

Dave strolled through the ferry towards the bow, he was quite enjoying himself now that Susan was safe. Their quarry was moving but he always closing in. All they had to do was corner him. Des was on the radio, directing two of the agents to where Dave thought the target was.

"I see him," one of the agents said. "Shit he's spotted me."

"He's coming towards us," Dave said.

"Stay behind me," Des said drawing his weapon. "Shit there are too many people about." The orders to the captain to keep the passengers out of their way had not worked. Their quarry had actively been seeking out other passengers.

"He's got a gun," a woman shouted.

"Bugger," Des said.

The fugitive turned the corner; he had grabbed a female passenger and was pointing a gun at her head. "Now don't do anything hasty," he said. There was screaming from further back down the corridor.

"Give it up." Des said. "You can't get away."

Dave was too shocked to move, how did he think kidnapper was ever going to escape.

"You'll bring my colleagues to me."

"I'm afraid we can't do that, they've been airlifted off the ship."

"Well you'd better get them back."

Dave was aware of one of the agents standing at a far corner of the passage.

"You can't get away and even if we did we'd always know where you are." Des explained.

"It's not that powerful, she couldn't do it."

"That's because you grabbed the wrong person." Dave said. "I will know where you are anywhere in the world. No dreams needed."

The fugitive stared at Dave and deftly threw the hostage to one side. Des threw Dave to one side. There was a shot from the far end of the passageway and a side of the kidnapper's head exploded in red.

The hostage screamed, the two agents ran down the corridor and pointed their weapons at the lifeless body. The hostage continued screaming.

*

"Am I the only one?" Dave asked.

"The only what?" Des asked.

"Person working for HM government with a super-power?"

"'Fraid so, we have a think-tank, uber-intelligent people and the like. We're going to put you in with them for a while. They might be annoying. Very clever people are very, how can I put it, idiosyncratic, not that's not quite the word. Condescending? Anyway they will annoy you."

"What's the pay like?"

"Better than you were on."

"Can I not stay in Newcastle?"

"Not for the moment."

"Oh," Dave didn't want to move. But then what would he say to the people he knew. "It's not a really great super-power is it?"

"It's probably more powerful than you think, the paranoia and the fact that you knew you were being followed was probably another aspect of it. It seems to be stronger the more important something is to you."

That sort of made sense. If he could control the paranoia then that would be quite good. "So who were the kidnappers?" he asked.

"Let us just say they were agents of a supposedly friendly government, we won't be hiring out your services to them for a while and just be careful where you go on holiday in the future."

"Will I be allowed to go holiday?"

"I hope so. But now I want you to concentrate really hard on this person," he said holding up a picture.

"Who's he?"

"Top Central American drug lord."

"That's a bit boring, no strange fish people or entities from other dimensions?" Dave asked going back to his original train of thought.

"Nope just you."

"What about other governments?"

"The Americans are supposed to have an alien stashed away."

"Really where do they keep it?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

Could he find an alien? Did he need a picture of one to start with? Was it a grey? The ones obsessed with bottoms? "Let's do the drug lords first" he said. Then it would be time for aliens.

# Fizin

Fizin looked up at G'Gin, she looked back. He glanced back down. It would be mating season in a half-a year and he wondered if she had chosen a mate or if she would take sill-weed. She was beautiful; her stripes were the most pronounced of anyone he had ever met, her eyes dark. And she could sing. Sing like nobody else. Her rear-nostrils beating out the bass, while her fore-nostrils and mid-nostrils played the melody. She could sing solo, songs that normally required three separate individuals to sing the different parts.

Fizin looked back up, G'Gin was walking away. He blew air out his mid nostrils out of annoyance at himself.

"Hello Fizin."

Fizin turned his head round to see who was speaking, "Hello Ritzin," he replied. "I've not seen you for a lesser-month. Still studying in Meelip to avoid being called up?"

"Yes, engineering, we are experimenting with machines that don't need Carvs to pull them."

At least Ritzin admitted that he was deliberately avoiding joining the army.

Fizin watched G'Gin turn a corner, his head swivelled at the top of his long neck to face Ritzin. "Walk with me, for a while," Fizin said intrigued. "How do they work then?"

The two friends walked along the dusty path towards the outskirts of the small town.

"Can't say, they're a military secret but it could turn the war in our favour."

"And you think the Gerths aren't working on something similar? If they get their Carvless-whatever working first, it could turn out even worse than it already is."

"Do you not believe that we are winning?"

"No, we are losing, I hate to say it, I don't want to be occupied by the Gerths, I've heard the stories, females locked in rooms, not allowed sill-weed until they come into season, the slave labour, entire villages slaughtered and these may happen here. I want us to win but that does not mean we are winning."

"There is always hope," Ritzin said. "Even if we are near defeat a miracle may happen."

"I hope you're not going to have another conversation about aliens," Fizin snorted out his rear-nostrils in anger.

"We don't know they're not real."

"No but we don't know... Anyway why am I having this conversation with you again?" Fizin asked.

"You brought the subject up."

That was true, Fizin reflected, Ritzin was one of those believers in the aliens from Mirin, the third planet in the system, large and cloud covered. Nobody knew what lay under the thick cloud layers, many thought that strange life-forms existed. Then it was a small step to believing they may be intelligent, and then to believing they had travelled to Finith.

"Let's not talk about the Mirins," Ritzin said, "You still doing the same?"

"It will be soon be time to harvest this year's seeds. We all need bread, war or not. I play my part."

The two friends stopped outside a shop. The latest news-book was on sale. Fizin reached into his pouch, pulled out a couple of coins and bought a copy. He flipped through the pages. "War, why we're winning. The government etc." He snorted through his rear nostrils again. "Oh and another sighting of aliens. Why does anyone think these creatures could exist? They've only got two legs, they'd fall over."

"If they had evolved from four legged creatures..."

"I know the theory, but the gravity on Mirin is supposed to be about twice ours."

"Well perhaps they're not from Mirin."

"What one of the moons, or hot Siy, or one of the frozen outer planets do not be daft and what are they doing here?"

"Perhaps they're going to invade."

"Well let's hope they invade the Gerths first. Anyway here's my mothers' house," Ritzin said, "good to chat to you again."

Ritzin was strange, Fizin thought to himself. So intelligent and yet so gullible. "Aliens," he snorted in annoyance. He turned and walked home.

*

The harvest was good that year. The rad-flowers and the genil-flowers were heavy with seeds. Fizin and his family worked from dawn to dusk for a full greater-month, harvesting.

They were working on the final field when Fizin noticed some smoke coming from the distant hills. That was strange, nobody lived up there, nor did it look like a normal fire. He did some quick calculations in his head. It would take a few twelfth-days to get to where the smoke was rising. The harvest was going well, he looked at the field, two more days and it would be finished. He could take some time off. He could get there, have a look and be back at the farm not long after dark, and both moons would up tonight. A bit of an adventure.

He walked back to house got his travelling cloak.

"Where are you off to?" his father asked.

"There's some smoke in the mountains, I'm going to investigate, somebody could be in trouble, it doesn't look like a normal fire, I'll be back this evening." Fizin was not sure if he heard the sound of annoyance from his father's rear-nostrils. He could hardly complain, after all, they were ahead of schedule for the harvest.

He trotted towards the hills, the smoke was still there but was thinner, lighter; he would have to remember the source.

It took two twelfth-days to get to base of the hills; the smoke was thin now but still visible, a thin wisp rising from the side of a mountain. There was something not right. Fizin considered turning back but he had come this far so may as well carry on. He climbed a path up the steep side of a hill to where the smoke originated. As he approached he realised the smoke was just coming straight out of the mountainside, but there was nothing burning. That was not quite right. Then as he watched, a section of the mountainside flickered and just disappeared from view, it was as if it had never existed. He nearly whistled out of all six nostrils in surprise. His curiosity overcame his fear. He continued to slowly walk up towards the smoke, careful not to make any noise.

What was up here? A secret government base, a Gerth spy encampment? Carefully he walked towards the entrance to what appeared to be quite a large opening in the mountainside. He walked in, lying about the floor were several bodies. Bodies with two legs instead of four. Aliens! Fizin whistled with fear uncontrollably, then he realised that one of the aliens was moving.

*

Assad slowly regained consciousness. There was something lying on his legs he strained his head up to look up, a stack of equipment had fallen over. What had happened? He remembered an alarm going off and then nothing. There was movement behind him. Someone else was still conscious, good; perhaps they could help him up. He didn't think his legs were broken; he could still wiggle his toes. He twisted his head round and then just when he thought the day could not get any worse, it did. He realised that the movement was from one of the centauroid natives. The long-necked aboriginal stared at him through those large dark eyes. He thought it was a male; they tended to be larger and have thicker coats of fur. Then it started whistling though all six dorsal nostrils. An alarm call! Shit, were there more? Suddenly the whistling stopped and it started a different whistling, only through the front-nostrils, it was trying to talk to him. Assad looked round at the computer to the back of the room, miraculously it seemed to have survived the explosion. If he could get the translation routines working then they could chat and... What was he thinking, what would he have to say?

*

Fizin stared at the alien. There was something different about this one; it was black. All the aliens he'd seen... Wait he'd seen none before. Well all the ones he read about were traditionally white or light brown. He looked at the other three bodies. Two were white and one was brown – traditional alien colours. The alien still alive was talking through its mouth not its nostrils, how did that work? Where were its nostrils? It seemed to be trapped. Fizin had a choice to make; he could run and tell the world or he could help the trapped alien.

He made his decision; he would lift the object and free the alien. Then he would leave and tell the world what he had seen. The problem was who would believe him. Ritzin would just think he was making fun of him and everyone else would just think he was mad. Was there anything he could take as evidence?

First help the alien. Fizin carefully walked to where the alien lay. Then bracing his rear legs, he lifted the end of metal girders that lay across the alien's legs. The alien pushed itself backwards with its arms until its legs were no longer under the metal. Fizin lowered the girders. The alien was bleeding. Red blood, at least that was normal.

The alien said something. Fizin couldn't help but stare at the aliens' mouth. It looked so flexible. Perhaps it was thanking him. He hoped so. There was nothing else he could do to help, so Fizin backed out the cave. There was a small metallic object on the floor; that should be good enough evidence. He picked it up, turned and walked out the door.

*

Assad winced with pain as he struggled to his feet. He glanced at his watch. He had been unconscious for a few hours. He looked at the bodies of his colleagues, they had all taken the full force of the blast, there was no point looking for signs of life. He limped to the back of the room. The comm-station was still functioning, protected by a rocky outcrop. Good! Actually it wasn't good if that had ceased transmitting then the alarm would have been raised automatically. He pressed the transmit button.

"Beta Base here."

"Hi Beta Base, you missed your check."

"Yes, it's all fucked up here, there's been an explosion, the others are dead. I'm just going to check. We need to evacuate."

"Shit right. Help is on its way, will be there in half an hour."

"One of the natives was in here."

"Sure?"

"Yes." What a stupid question. "It rescued me, lifted up some wreckage that was pinning me to the floor. It also picked up Isaac's radio."

"Is it still functioning?"

"How the fuck should I know? I need to take my anti-allergies, I'm feeling crap. I'm overdue."

That was the problem with alien planets, either they were sterile and required massive terra-forming to make them habitable or they hosted alien life that was largely incompatible with earth life. Xeres' life was one of the few planets with a biochemistry that was compatible with Earth that had been discovered so far. Still, twice daily injections of drugs were required or else your immune system would over produce antibodies to the alien proteins to which it was continuously being exposed.

Assad struggled over to his three colleagues. He checked for signs of life, there were none. He looked at the chameleon-field generator. It was a mess; it looked like one of the components had exploded. Was it faulty or was it caused by something on Xeres?

Soon Assad heard the drone of engines as a transport ship landed. Several people in environmental suits stepped into the cavern.

"What a mess?"

"What happened?"

"I don't know, I don't remember."

"We'd better warn Alpha and Gamma. Let's get you back to Indus."

"You need to get the native. He's seen me."

"We know, we will stop him."

"You must not harm him."

"Why not?"

"He helped me, he lifted the equipment stack off my legs. Also we cannot allow our first serious contact with the Xeresians to be violent."

*

It was pointless hiding, Fizin thought as he watched the three flying machines descend. They obviously knew where he was. He whistled with fear. Then he controlled himself. If the aliens were to kill him, he would die bravely. He stood and watched as several aliens disgorged from their airships. Flying machines, if they had them in the war with the Gerth, then the war would be over and the Gerth emperor would be begging for mercy, like he had made so many others beg.

Fizin felt a small pain in the back of his neck, he turned and one of the aliens was pointing something at him. A weapon? Then the world went blurry.

*

Fizin woke in a room, a white room. There was a table and a plate of fruit, they looked ripe. He picked one of the pims, sniffed it and bit into it. It tasted fine. He looked about. There was a door but no handle. Suddenly it slid open to reveal two aliens. He stepped back in alarm. They were covered in clothing similar to the alien he had seen previously.

"Do not be alarmed?"

Fizin turned round to see where the voice had come from. From the wall? Not from the aliens but then he knew they couldn't speak properly.

"Who said that?" he asked.

"I did," one of the aliens raised its right arm.

It was lying; the voice was coming from behind. Anyway they couldn't...

"We are getting a machine to translate our language into yours."

At least they wanted to talk to him not kill him yet.

"Where do you come from?" Fzin asked.

"A planet round a distant star, you call 'The Lesser Child'."

"Not from Mirin?"

"Is that where you think we come from?"

Fizin whistled agreement. "It's the only other place that life can exist."

"Well we don't come from Mirin. Mirin's gravity is too heavy for us, and probably for you as well, to live there for any length of time."

"I knew it, wait till I tell Ritzin." Fizin paused for moment. Would he ever be able to tell Ritzin anything? "Why am I here?"

"You saw us up close we were trying to remain hidden."

"Why?"

"Because we do not want to interfere."

That was an unexpected answer. Most theories regarding the aliens were that they would invade, rape and kill like the Gerths. "I don't understand?"

"We are not allowed to interfere with the development of your society. We want to study your habits and your ways."

"Why come here to study us?" It seemed an awful lot of trouble.

"Your technology levels are similar to what ours were several hundred years ago. We may look different but your society reminds us of ours, back then."

"Did you have Gerths?"

The alien paused before answering.

"We had similar wars in the past, the closest we had to the Gerths were called the Nazis, they preached a similar policy of racial purity. There were others though just as bad."

"Could you not have helped the Fiolirns?"

"That would have meant interfering."

"But you could have saved them."

"We could, but our laws say we cannot interfere. It is the safest course."

"Safest?"

"Yes for your own way of life to continue."

Perhaps they hadn't fully understood the horrors of the Gerths. "But life doesn't continue under the Gerths."

"Perhaps not, but your civilisation will continue in some form."

"So what happens to me?" Fizin asked.

"We haven't decided but we had no intention of abducting you."

"You're not going to kill me?"

"We're not monsters, and you helped <random noise>."

"Where am I?"

"You have the honour of being the first of your race to leave your home planet behind. We are on the second moon of Mirin."

Fizin thought for a moment while he digested this fact. "If I was there, then I should not weigh as much as I do."

"We have artificially strengthened the gravity."

Now that was clever. "Can I see Mirin?"

The aliens talked in their incomprehensible language, for a few moments. "Yes but not quite yet."

"Why not?"

"Our biologies are similar, in fact too similar, your planet causes us problems. We need to take medicine to stay well."

"And do you cause similar problems with us?"

There was another untranslated alien conversation.

"Probably," came the reply.

"Will I die?"

"No."

"Why does that mean I can't see Mirin?"

"We will allow you to go shortly."

"Home?"

"No to see Mirin from the <random noise>."

"When can I go home?"

"You cannot."

"Why not?"

"You have seen us?"

So what were the aliens going to do with him? They just couldn't keep him here could they? Well they could. "My parents will worry."

"This is true and we are sorry."

Fizin thought for a moment. The alien rule about not interfering seemed to be an important one. "Are you not interfering by keeping me here. If I hadn't noticed the smoke and gone to investigate then I would still be home. By keeping me here you are interfering."

"But not as much as if we let you go and you tell everyone."

"Who would believe me?"

"Not many, but some would."

Ritzin might, especially if he had proof. The small device had gone. They must have known.

*

Ritzin had joined the search party at first light. The smoke that Fizin had noticed had stopped, now nobody was sure from where it had originated.

It seemed half the town had come out to search for Fizin. They spread out into a line to maximise the area they could cover and then walked towards the mountains.

After nearly two twelfth-days, Ritzin noticed an unusual indentation in the ground. There was another and another. Then he noticed another group of three and then a third. He had seen the indentations before, where though? Then suddenly he remembered, in a semi-serious article debating the existence of the aliens. These marks had sometimes been seen in the sites where they had been reported. Some theories suggested that they were the marks of flying machines or space ships.

He looked at the middle of the marks; a lot of the plants had been trampled. He whistled surprise.

"What is it?" the person next to him asked. Ritzin had not plucked up the courage to speak to her.

"Here the grass is trampled and here, what are these indentations? There are three sets of three."

"Found something?" The person on the other side asked.

"Probably nothing, but it is unusual."

"I've read about these. They're supposed to be the marks left by the alien flying craft," the female said.

Ritzin was glad he had not been first to mention it.

"I'm G'Gin," the female said to Rtizin.

"Are you Fizin's friend?" Ritizin asked.

"We know each other, but not well, I've seen him about. He seemed likeable. What do think about the aliens?"

"I like to annoy Fizin about them."

"In what way?"

"By going on about how they came from Mirin."

"And do you believe they are real?"

"I suppose I have an open mind. I want to believe in aliens but we just don't know."

G'Gin whistled agreement. "Not afraid that they may invade?"

Ritzin whistled disagreement. "No if they wanted anything from here, they'd just come and get it. Why waste time. If they can travel from Mirin, then we're not going to be a problem.

"So why do you think they are here?"

"I have no idea but if I see one, I'll make sure I ask."

*

The search continued for two days of fruitless searching. Apart from the strange indentations on the ground there was no sign of Fizin and no sign of foul play.

*

Fizin stared at the swirling cloud patterns of Mirin. "Does anything live there?"

"Yes there are simple plants and animals, nothing complicated," Assad replied.

"What about elsewhere?" Fizin asked.

"Nothing else in this system. There are several planets we've discovered that have simple life. Yours and ours are the only ones we know of that have developed intelligent life. Both at roughly the same time. We expected to find ancient civilisations or intelligent life that had never developed technology, not civilisations so close to ours in development."

"What happens when we meet?"

"You've already met us."

"Only one person. What happens when everyone on the planet knows?"

"Hopefully we'll get along fine."

"Why do you not reveal yourselves?" Fizin was still not sure about the interference rule.

"Because if we did, we could destroy your way of life. On <noise-that-meant-alien-planet> when advanced cultures met more primitive ones, they destroyed them. Not always intentionally."

"But sometimes intentionally," Fizin asked.

"Yes."

"Like is happening now with the Gerths and everyone else."

"Yes sometimes."

"Well I would rather have my culture destroyed by you rather than by the Gerths."

"What would you have us do?"

"Stop the Gerths."

"How?"

"You could threaten them? Perhaps you could land outside the emperor's palace and then I don't know..."

"You see the problem, if we reveal ourselves and take sides, then we become alien invaders. If we come down and declare peace, then it would be peace on our terms. We destroy your culture, your way of life."

"So what would it take you to interfere?"

"Nothing, we won't."

*

"I don't feel well." Fizin said on what was about the seventh day of his incarceration.

"I'll get our doctors to look at you." Assad replied.

*

"You're showing <random noise> reaction to our <random noise>."

"I don't understand."

"Your body reacts unfavourably to our <random noise>."

"What will happen?"

"We don't know we were afraid this would happen. We're going to put you in a clean room."

"A what?"

*

The clean room was the room in which Fizin had first woken up. The relative freedom he had been allowed over the last few days was removed. The aliens still visited but wore the suits they had worn when he had first woken, they were now being worn for Fizin's protection rather than for their own.

The alien he had rescued continued to visit; he brought pictures and moving images of his home planet. Fizin even learnt to recognise his name. He played Fizin strange music. Fizin appreciated the lengths the aliens were going to, to keep him alive, but he couldn't help but think that all they had to do was return him to his home. The thought strangely scared him. What could he say had happened to him?

*

The aliens were aliens but the way the Gerths rounded up the survivors and shot them, males, females and children was shocking. Then they went into the hatchery, the alien equivalent of a neo-natal hospital and smashed all the eggs.

"We have to do something," somebody said.

"What?" Assad replied.

"I don't know, but we can't let them massacre Fizin's people."

*

The dark-skinned alien entered the clean room. Fizin was beginning to be able to distinguish between the different aliens. The dark skin made him particularly recognisable. "The war is going badly for your people," the alien said.

"Then let me return so I can help."

"But that would mean breaking our laws."

"So are you going to do nothing?"

"No we are going to something. We are going to break the law. We had a vote and it was unanimous. We are going to help your people, Fizin. When the government on <noise-that-meant-alien-planet> finds out what we have done, we will be arrested and punished.

"Executed?"

"No we do not have the death penalty anymore. In two <some-alien-length-of-time-that-was-around-eight-days> there will be a crew change, a supply ship from <noise-that-meant-alien-planet> will arrive and some of us will return to <noise-that-meant-alien-planet>, we have to act before then. We're going to return you to your planet. We're going to let you go, with some drawings and models."

"Drawings and models of what?"

"Weapons, weapons we think your planet will develop in the next few years but neither you nor the Gerths have yet. They should give you the edge. Allow you to finish the war quickly and cleanly."

*

Fizin had been unconscious when he had first travelled in one of the alien's flying machines, this time though he remained awake. He stared out of the window as they descended through the atmosphere and landed close to where he had originally been captured.

The alien that he had rescued accompanied Fizin onto the surface of Finith. Fizin had forgotten how good proper air smelt. The alien air had never seemed quite right.

He patted the bag that contained the folder that contained the intricate diagrams, models and the alien device that was disguised as a small stone. He had been shown how to operate it. If he opened it and whistled the phrase 'Come and get me', then the aliens would, if they deemed it safe, land and collect him. What they had to fear was never quite clear to Fizin.

Fizin strode home. His mother was the first to see him. "Fizin where have you been?" she whistled through four nostrils. "We were so worried, we organised a search party. You're looking thin. You must get some proper food in you."

Fizin refused to answer any of the questions. All he said was "I have to go away for a few days."

His mother stared at him. "What happened to you?"

"Please stop asking questions."

"Fizin!" his father whistled as he entered the house. His father hugged him. "Where were you?"

"Please don't ask, I have things to do, I have to go to Meelip."

"Well your friend Ritzin is going back soon but stay with us for a few days," we have missed you so. You could travel with him," his father replied.

"I'm going tomorrow."

"What is so important about... Please Fizin, you're our only son, none of the other eggs hatched," his mother continued. "We were so worried."

"I will be fine, I just can't explain. It will all make sense soon. I promise."

*

Fizin hid the stone in the under a filin-bush. He turned to walk towards the town and saw Rtizin hurrying towards him.

"You are back. I heard someone say you had returned and you were behaving all mysterious." Ritzin whistled with enthusiasm.

"Hello Ritzin."

"What's in the bag?"

"I am going to Meelip."

"Why are you going to Meelip? Are you going to sign up? Anyway I'm going back, we can travel together."

"You study engineering don't you?" Fizin had originally been going to try and speak to someone in the government, now, however with the appearance of Ritzin, another plan formed in his mind.

"Yes you know that," Ritzin replied.

"Going to show me round your faculty?"

"We're not normally allowed visitors. Secrets and all that."

"Well can you introduce me to your boss?"

"Why?"

"Just humour me."

"You are acting very strange."

The two friends walked into the centre of the town towards the rail station seeing nobody else apart from a couple of carv-drawn carts.

Fizin bought his ticket. He spotted a news-book and bought it. The aliens were correct, reading between the stories of heroics, the Gerths were gaining ground. The town of Grlllinoch had been captured, the survivors told of horror stories. The town of Hilopith was expected to fall within a lesser-month. Refugees were already streaming out of it and the surrounding villages. Bizarrely the only reference about the aliens was a report from near the Gerth capital. Some Gerth's had reported strange lights in the sky. The news-book was making fun of the gullible Gerths. Not so gullible, Fizin thought.

Ritzin saw Fizin read the article on aliens "You know when we were looking for you, we found some strange indentations. G'Gin and I"

"G'Gin?"

"She was searching for you as well."

Fizin felt as if all three of his hearts missed a beat. How many hearts did the aliens have?"

"We thought they looked like the markings of where alien craft had landed," Ritzin continued.

"Did you tell anybody?"

"Certainly not, don't want to be thought of as mad."

"You've changed your whistle?"

"Well yes when it starts to get serious and you started mentioning aliens then things might not go too well."

"Just as well we can't prove they exist then eh or prove that they don't."

*

The journey to Meelip took most of the day.

"Where are you going to sleep?" Ritzin asked as they stepped of the train.

"I was going to get a room for the night."

"Stay in my room. There's a spare bed."

'Thank-you," Fizin replied.

Fizin looked about, there were soldiers everywhere. Carv-drawn carts blocked the roads. Fizin saw one kick another with its mid-legs. The two cart drivers struggled to control their beasts. Well in a few years this may all change. If the alien designs were practicable, then the carv-carts would be replaced with carvless-carts. Then there was the design of the flying machine. The aliens explained how they could be used to drop bombs on the opposing armies.

*

The university's engineering faculty was a non-descript stone building the centre of Meelip, sandwiched between the languages and the sciences faculties. Both of the other faculties may soon be expanding their courses, Fizin thought as they approached the building. A school of alien languages, how would that work?

"Good morning Rtizin," the secur-guard said. "Who is your friend?"

"His name is Fizin, he wants to see the head of the faculty."

"You'll need to sign him in."

"Fine."

This wasn't as difficult as Rtizin had indicated, so much for no visitors. Fizin whistled contentment as Rtizin led him up the stairs.

"This is my lab, I share with three others."

"Are they here?"

"They're all due back within a few days, I came back early with you, but now I am here I might as well get on and do some work."

"I think there will be plenty for you to do."

"You're going all cryptic again."

"Well I am going to have to trust you," Fizin said putting the bag down on the table. His original plan of handing alien artefacts to someone in power had been a worry to him, as soon as someone examined them they were going to be asking awkward questions. Best if Ritzin was an intermediary. "Can you give it to the head of the faculty or whoever."

"What's in it?"

"Wait and see."

"It's not a bomb, you're not a Gerth agent are you?"

Fizin whistled disappointment through his fore-nostrils and annoyance through his mid-nostrils. "No I am not. I am going to return home, I should be able to get a train that will take me back today."

*

Ritzin resisted opening the bag for a short while. In the end he had to examine the contents, for security reasons. He couldn't just hand a dangerous bag of things to the head of the faculty. He pulled out a small model, he tried to work out what it was and then he realised it was a model of some sort of vehicle It was extremely well made. He placed it on the bench. He pulled out another; he had no idea what it was, then a model of a flying machine. That was impressive, would it work? Then there were some papers; they contained intricate drawings, pages and pages of them. He looked at the models and then looked at the drawings. He sat and studied the objects; the writing was in a script he didn't understand. Were those numbers and some form of measurement? He placed all the objects back into the bag. He went upstairs to the next floor. Piril the head of the faculty was in his office. Ritzin knocked on the door.

"Come in."

"It's Ritzin isn't it?" he said as Ritzin entered.

Ritzin whistled agreement.

"What do you have there?"

Ritzin pulled out the models and then the diagrams and handed them over.

Piril whistled confusion, then surprise and then amazement.

"Where did you get these?"

"From my friend Fizin."

"Where did he get them from?"

"He didn't say, he was very coy about it and now I understand why."

"You know what these mean?"

"That we can win the war?"

"I need to contact... I'm not sure who, but somebody. Where is your friend now?"

"He's probably waiting for a train."

*

Fizin walked from the station back to his house. He retrieved the alien stone. If his plans had not worked and he had the stone, he would not have been able to return home. Having alien technology on him was a sure way of getting questioned and never released.

The following morning he bid farewell to his parents, they just looked at him and whistled disappointment.

Fizin had not walked far when he heard a whistle. He turned round to see G'Gin. "Hello," he said.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

Fizin was too startled to reply.

"Are you off to see your alien friends?" she continued.

Fizin still didn't know what to say.

"You didn't immediately dismiss what I said as nonsense," G'Gin continued. "Which is interesting."

Fizin's mind was mixed-up. "Why do you think I have alien friends?"

"Because you disappeared for several days and where you disappeared there were signs of three alien flying machines."

"How do you know?"

"That they were alien flying machines? I don't but what else could they be. The same marks were found when aliens have been sighted. To be honest I'm making several assumptions here."

"And if they're right?"

"Then our view of the universe has changed and there is life on Mirin. Are they friendly? How much more advanced are they?" She paused, "So where are you going then?"

"I'm off to meet my alien friends, I thought you'd already decided that."

"Can I come with you?"

"No."

"Well I am going to anyway," she said.

"Why this sudden interest in me?"

"Who said it was sudden?"

That was not the answer Fizin had expected, he had never considered that G'Gek liked him.

"Anyway, disappearing for several days and not explaining it, is a strange thing to do. Then to go off on a secret mission to Meelip."

"Not that secret, if you know about it."

"So unless you can give a better explanation, I am going to go with the alien theory and since you're still alive then they're probably friendly."

"Probably."

"Well yes they're aliens, they may not think like us."

"I never took you for an alien believer."

"Well give me a reason not to believe."

Fizin couldn't, so he just carried on his way, this was not how he ever imagined talking to G'Gek, he was quite glad of her company. He did not believe the aliens would take G'Gek with them and if G'Gek did see the aliens and she spoke about it, who would believe her anyway.

"You know I am interested in finding out what really has been going on," G'Gek said running to catch up.

"So you don't really believe in the aliens?"

"I'm keeping an open mind. That way whatever has been going on, I can't be wrong. Can I?"

*

G'Gek whistled with amazement, when Fizin had taken out what looked lie a stone and twisted it to reveal a very unstone-like interior.

She rushed over as Fizin whistled, "come and get me."

"They are real," she whistled with fear.

"I thought you weren't afraid."

"I just never imagined that you were going to see them. So why are they here?"

"To watch and learn about us, they had an accident and I stumbled across them."

"So do they come from Mirin?"

"They claimed to have come from a planet round the Lesser Child."

"And do you believe them?"

"I have no reason to disbelieve them?"

"What are you doing?"

"They gave me weapon designs to help us win the war, flying machines and the like. I took them to Meelip, I don't know how long it will take before they become useful but in helping us, the aliens have broken their own laws. They're not allowed to interfere in our planet. The aliens that helped us will be arrested."

"And what are you going to do?"

"I am going to go back to speak on their behalf."

"Why?"

"Because I do not want them to spend the rest of their lives in what-ever prison they have."

"Will you make a difference?"

"I don't know, I may not even be allowed to go with them."

*

Assad was surprised when the native signalled to be picked up so soon. Was something wrong? He rushed to the communication room. "Is he alone?" he asked Freda.

"No, there is one other with him, though there is movement near the town he comes from," she replied.

"What sort of movement?"

"Looks like troop movement. It looks like he didn't go for the anonymous drop."

There had some debate of how Fizin would deliver his artefacts. The majority had thought that he would try to do it anonymously.

*

"You may want to stand back," Fizin said.

"Why?"

"Because..." Fizin pointed to the sky.

G'Gek looked to where his major-finger was pointing. There was a dot in the sky, as she watched it became larger.

She whistled in fear and amazement as a flying machine slowly descended to the ground. Its feet looked as if they would make the indentations expected for alien craft. A platform descended from the bottom. Standing on it were two of the two-legged aliens.

"Who is your friend?" One of them whistled.

"They speak our language?" G'Gek stated.

"They have machines that translate. Their own language is just like random noise, they think ours is quite musical."

Fizin turned to the aliens and loudly whistled, "She followed me and I thought this might be the only chance I get to return."

"Why?"

"People are going to wonder how I got what I did."

"They are coming now, we do not have long before they arrive. So why did you want to speak to us?"

"I want to speak at your trial."

"That won't be possible."

"Why not?"

"You know our <random noise> are dangerous to you. You could die."

"I am willing to take the risk."

The alien shook its head, which Fizin realised meant 'no'.

"Why not?"

The other alien started speaking in its own language, there then followed an incomprehensible debate. Throughout all of this G'Gek remained silent apart from the occasional emotional whistle of fear or surprise.

"It seems legally we cannot stop you. Everyone has the right to call any relevant witness at their trial, though having an alien witness is unprecedented and will be interesting. And several people wish to call you."

"Farewell then G'Gek," Fizin said.

"You are really going?"

"Yes."

"I will wait for you."

"I may not return."

"I will come here on the fifth day on every major-month until you return."

"You don't have to do that."

"It is nothing to what you may face."

Fizin slowly walked onto the platform. He waved to G'Gek as he ascended into the belly of the spacecraft.

G'Gek watched as the alien craft accelerated into the sky.

"G'Gek, what are you doing here?"

She turned round to see Ritzin and a squad of troops rush over a hill.

"Where is Fizin?"

G'Gek pointed up to the sky where the alien craft was receding.

"Is that?"

"It is. There are the three marks," she said pointing.

"Did you see them?"

"They spoke to me, or rather to Fizin."

"Some people are going to have a lot of questions to ask you."

"I know."

*

Several major-months had passed and the Gerths had gained a lot of territory. Ritzin watched through a telescope as the Gerths massed for a fresh assault. Then from the sky the three aircraft swooped down upon the enemy army. Each dropped several bombs on the troops. The casualties were relatively few but the Gerths' morale was the major casualty.

There was a shout and then the machine-guns opened up. Although the Gerths were at the maximum range, bullets rained down upon them. Ritzin watched as the Gerth general fell, some of the Gerths began to retreat. Soon more and more Gerths began to retreat and then run.

Ritzin heard the signal for attack. This would be the day that would go down in history as the day the war changed.

*

G'Gek watched as the alien craft began to descend. It landed close to where it had landed half a year previously. Fizin descended from the spacecraft. He did not look well, in fact he appeared quite ill.

"Oh Fizin, how are you?"

"I have seen alien worlds, breathed alien air. Seen alien monsters on several worlds. It was wonderful."

"We're winning."

"I know."

"Thanks to you."

"Thanks to the aliens."

"Do they want anything from us?"

"One thing."

"What's that?"

"To hear you sing."

#

### A Glaswegian God

The day I met God and he bought me a beer was a wet Thursday. That's got your attention hasn't it? What happened was I was walking along a street in the West End towards a bus stop when I noticed an old man walking towards me. I didn't really pay him much attention until he was only a couple of feet away. Then he just stepped out into the traffic with no regard to the oncoming traffic. I grabbed him by his collar, back onto the pavement to a cacophony of car horns.

"What are you doing?" I asked, ignoring the taxi driver shouting out of his window.

"It's okay, I can't die."

A nutter I thought.

"Of course you can die."

"No I can't."

"So what makes you so special?"

"Because I am."

"That really doesn't answer the question," I pointed out.

"No I suppose not, well then I am special because I created the universe," he replied in the most matter-of-fact voice you can imagine.

Well that stopped me in my tracks, so to speak. I still thought he was a nutter mind.

"When I created the universe, I created it so I couldn't be killed," he continued.

Well you would do that I suppose. Supposing that you wanted to live forever.

"So you created the universe?" I asked.

"Yes."

"So why are you in Glasgow?" I asked.

"You have to be somewhere and why not, I quite like Glasgow."

"I hope you don't mind, but I don't really believe you." I replied and then paused to think of something else to say. "Say I had a gun, pointed it at your head and pulled the trigger what would stop the bullet from blowing your brains out?"

"I don't know, you could drop dead, the gun might misfire, a meteorite might fall on your head, anything. Just then, you pulled me out of the oncoming traffic. The laws of the universe conspired to make that happen."

I was sort-of interested and not in too much of a hurry; you meet lots of loonies in Glasgow, usually incoherent drunks but this was a loony you could have a sensible conversation with. Well semi-sensible.

"Look I'll prove it to you," he said.

"Eh?"

"I'll try and kill myself again."

"No don't do that."

"See."

"See what?"

"You stopped me again."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you just said not to."

I didn't say anything for a moment, trying to find the flaw in his argument that I knew was there. "I was advising against killing yourself." I eventually explained. "I don't really want you to kill yourself just to try and prove your immortality. I'd feel sort of guilty if you actually ended up dead but I didn't actually stop you."

"Why? People die all the time," he asked.

"Yes but not as result of trying to prove... Why am I having this conversation?"

"You don't believe that I am the creator of the universe."

"No I don't, because if you were, why would you be an old man in Glasgow?"

"Because it's the way I choose to be."

"Right? Okay, if you created the universe," I started, thinking I would try and defeat him through the power of logic, "where did you come from?"

"From the universe before this one."

"And how did you get here?"

"Through the portal between universes."

I had to admit that was quite a good answer even if it didn't explain anything.

"Have you ever wondered why physics is difficult to understand?" he asked.

"Apart from me being thick?"

"Yes, but greater minds than yours can't figure it out."

That was true, what little I knew about the laws of physics was that they made no sense what-so-ever.

"It's because the laws have to be really complex, so I can't die. The whole observer thing is tied up with it."

"The what?"

"How an observer influences an event. That's one of my laws, it was very difficult to set up."

I decided to change the subject because well frankly at this point I was lost. "When did you come across to this universe?"

"After a few years of its existence."

"But life couldn't exist then?"

"Not life as you know it, I've changed forms several times since then."

Still didn't explain anything.

"Okay, why?" I asked.

"Why what?"

"Why bother creating a new universe?"

"My universe was dying, I'm from a very technologically advanced species. Despite all of our advances we couldn't defeat the laws of thermodynamics."

"So you created another universe with the same rules of thermodynamics?" See I knew some physics.

"Well yes it's easier that way. Once this universe gets too old I'll just have to create a new one."

"So you're God?"

"Yes but not as you usually think about him on this planet. I'm not all those things beginning with omni."

"So apart from not dying what are your other godly powers."

"I don't want to reveal all of them but I've lived here a long time."

"How long?"

"Millions of years. I remember the dinosaurs, I'm older than the universe remember?"

"The meteor that killed the dinosaurs didn't get you then?"

"Nope, nor all the gamma-ray events, nor the super volcanoes, nor the Cuban Missile crisis. None of the things that have nearly wiped out life on Earth."

Well if a loony is going to have a loony story he may as well do the research.

"You can say that as long as I live on this planet, I protect it from the events that would wipe out all humans, because if you were all to die then I would probably as well."

"Didn't work when you were a dinosaur?"

"I was a mammal at the time?"

"If that is true, I would like to buy you a pint because even though I don't believe you, you do weave a coherent and knowledgeable story." I said. If I was going to trip him up, metaphorically speaking, it would be best under the influence of alcohol.

"People normally don't believe me." He sounded quite disappointed.

"And what do most of them do?"

"They humour me."

"Glasgow humour."

"Not just Glasgow, the Romans were really sarcastic. They would sometimes try and prove me wrong by sacrificing me to their gods."

"Obviously they never succeeded."

"Then they would try and worship me, which is even more annoying. Look as normally I'm not in such a generous mood, I'll buy you a beer. Look at it as a reward for saving my life."

"Promise not to try and kill yourself in my company again?"

He raised his right arm, "I swear on all of creation that I will not try and kill myself in your presence again. Note I left out the word 'my' before creation."

I had noticed.

*

It was not a pub that I had been in before but it was the closest. He bought two pints of Special and took a few sips from one.

"It's a dangerous universe out there," he explained.

"Apart from the gamma ray events? What else?" I asked drinking my Special. Not my favourite tipple but I didn't want to piss off God.

"Aliens."

"Aliens!"

"Yes nasty aliens. My presence on Earth stops them noticing you. Not just you but the whole planet."

"Really!"

"Yes you lot all keep looking for them, and they keep looking for new planets to plunder."

"How do you know this?"

"I did sort of create them in a round about way."

"That was very irresponsible," I said. "You should do something about them. You said you could change shape. What shape were you during the age of the dinosaurs?"

"Most of the time I was dinosaur-shaped."

"So why don't you change into a dinosaur?"

"Well not in the pub, it would draw attention to myself."

"I suppose it would. How about someone else?"

"In what way?"

"Make yourself look like someone else."

"Anyone in particular?"

"Jessica Alba?"

"Phew, for a moment there, I thought you were going to say Jessica Rabbit."

"Now that would be interesting."

"Come on drink up, outside I'll change into Jessica Alba."

"In a way, I'm not sure I want you to."

"Why not?"

"Because part of me will be disappointed when you don't."

"Oh ye of little faith."

"See the aliens?" I asked.

"Are there lot of different sorts?"

"Oh yes?'

"Nasty?"

"Oh yes the nice ones get wiped out."

Well that answers the Fermi paradox. And if you don't know what that is then look it up on Google or somewhere because after I spoke to him I spent quite a lot of time finding out what he had been speaking about.

"Do you not get bored?" I asked.

"No if I do, I just let time pass me by or I try and do something to liven things up a bit, like I did tonight. Come on, have you got a camera on that phone of yours?"

"Why?"

"So you can get a photo with Jessica. I just hope nobody is watching when I change."

*

I waited outside the dark alley, it only took a few moments but then Jessica Alba walked out.

"Come on, take that photo!" the Jessica who wasn't Jessica said.

I couldn't move, I was trying to think ways that everything he had said couldn't be true.

"There's Jessica Alba," a shout came from down the road and three semi-drunks came running towards us.

"Bugger," not-Jessica said in a very un-Jessica and quite-Glaswegian manner and ran back into the alleyway.

"She went down that way," one of the newly arrived drunks shouted and ran into the alley.

There was a roar and the three men ran back out.

"What's wrong with Jessica?" I asked.

"She's been eaten by a dinosaur," one said running away looking as if he'd just seen a dinosaur.

Five minutes later the old man walked out again.

"Believe me now?" he asked.

###
If you want to read more written by me then

### The light that never went out

Will be published properly soon.

