

By

Mareta L. Miller
Blooming With Love

(Book 3 in the Ninety-Nine Roses series)

Smashwords Edition June 2016

Copyright © 2016 by

Mareta L. Miller

Photographs by Alizabeth D. Kaminski

This is a work of fiction. All names, locations, and characters are fictitious and are a product of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual events, names, locales, or persons living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information, address the publisher at: PO Box 12573 Las Vegas, NV 89104

Julia - 24 Roses

IT'S ANOTHER MORNING OF kneeling in front of the toilet dry heaving until my stomach comes to terms with the fact that there's nothing left in it. It's my newest morning ritual, and definitely not my favorite. It's been five days since I've been able to drink a cup of coffee, having traded it in for mint tea, and the same since I've had what could be considered real food. Chicken broth and crackers are the only things I can manage to keep down, until morning comes along anyway. With all that mentioned and without having to take a test, I know I'm pregnant.

It would appear that my decision to not have more babies after the twins were born was a good one, a really good one. If I didn't know any better, I'd think this one was out to kill me. I've lost five pounds due to my lack of nutrition and morning sickness. Five pounds wouldn't usually bother me, but it's not just me I have to worry about anymore. So, I've scheduled an appointment with my doctor for this afternoon. I just have to get through this day.

I needed something different from the routine we had together, so I've been taking the train to work since Derick left. It's a change that will be forced to an end with the Gov't Center Station closing for construction soon anyway. But today I don't think I have the energy to make it to the train station without becoming completely exhausted and I have my appointment later, so I'm going to drive. Driving to the office alone is horrible. It's bad enough seeing his empty office and his signatures on documents still being handled. But what nearly breaks me is when people ask if I've heard from him. It's as if there's a coalition focused on twisting the knife that's still lodged in my heart. I don't tell them, but I have heard from him. Every day.

Every day since the night we broke up, there's been a single rose left on my door. Slipped through the knocker at its center. Even during the week that I took off, though I was hardly aware of anything going on around me, they were stealthily placed. The first time I bothered to leave the condo, they were in a pile in front of the door. There's never any note, just the rose. As of yesterday, I'm up to twenty-four.

Twenty-four days that I've gone to bed alone and woke up the same way. Twenty-four roses and at least twenty-four hundred tears cried in acknowledgment that he hasn't yet let go. And two good reasons I should stop being so ridiculous and hop on the next flight to be with him. First being that I'm still completely in love with him. The second is this life he left growing inside me. But those reasons don't outweigh the one reason he's not here, not for me anyway.

With the daily delivery of roses, I figure he has accomplices here in Boston because I know for a fact that Derick is back in Santa Barbara. His mother texted me a couple of times after his return. She wasn't angry with me and she says she understands but still wishes that we could find a way. I wish that too. It's so hard to explain why I had to do it, but I had to and not a day goes by that I wish it could be different. I was so close to having it all again. A man that loved me, parents, siblings, and a nephew. Now it's just this baby and me.

I haven't said anything to Frank about the baby yet. For one, I need to confirm what I already know. Secondly, I know he's always on my side, but I also know he'll insist I tell Derick. I only wish I could because I know what it did to him, not knowing about his son. It broke his heart knowing he'd missed so much. I'm no better than Ann in my actions now because I'm committing the same sin, stealing this time from him. But for us it's always more complicated than that. It's not just what I'm doing to him, it's why.

Before it was about him choosing me over his son. Now it's about choosing one child over another. I'm dissolving a decision that could break, not only, one but four people. One of which, as it grows inside me, has become my number one reason for breathing. I still love Derick so much, but he's not my number one priority anymore.

I busy myself with things around the office, simple things that don't require much focus. Due to my lack of energy, sick stomach, and minor case of anxiety over my appointment, I know I'm not on my game today. For the first time ever, I'm not able to hide behind my work. Even work is not enough to take my worries away. The day goes by slowly, too slowly, and a thought crosses my mind that hasn't dared in the last seven years. I should've just stayed home.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I leave the office early, as planned, to head to the doctor's office. It strikes me as so funny that I was here just a few months ago to get on birth control. Now, it's a one hundred eighty degree turn to take a pregnancy test. I'm sure this happens more often than one would think, and I've now joined that statistic. Only I'm probably not the type it typically happens to. I'm not young, scared, and financially unstable, but I'm sure I do meet one common factor. I'm single.

Doing this alone doesn't scare me though. Earning the money I do, I'm able to maintain a sizable savings and have the means to raise this child alone. I've even considered selling the condo, for its actual value, and buying something new. I can take some time off work in the beginning, then hire a nanny when I go back. They're all just thoughts in process right now, but all real possibilities. Everything will work out. I'm sure of it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm sitting on the examining table wearing my paper gown and waiting for the doctor to make her entrance. My mind travels back to the last time I found out I was pregnant. More than fifteen years ago. I was still so young, and as happy as we were, it was news that took more than a moment to process. Alex was in school and working a full-time job and I was working as well. His parents had cut him off from his school money because of me, so I was more than willing to work. I had to make sure they didn't win in their attempt to cause him failure. He'd already finished his first year and was almost halfway through his second when we got the news. It would be another couple of months before we would get the other half of the big news—we were having twins.

It's one of those memories that makes me cry only because it was such a happy and beautiful time in my life. It's as I'm wiping tears from my face that my doctor, Dr. Stewart, walks into the room. She takes one look at me and immediately tries to comfort me.

"Being emotional is perfectly normal you know," she says while pulling a tissue from a box by the sink and handing it to me. "It could get worse as time goes, or it may disappear in an instant. Each woman is different."

"I know. This is not my first rodeo." She flips through my chart quickly and then addresses me again.

"So, you already know the result of your test?"

I nod. "Not your scientific pee stick results. But it all seemed pretty obvious, from what I remember anyway."

"I see here your last pregnancy was a set of twins? They're fifteen years old now. So you're starting over."

"Yes, pretty much." I don't see any point in telling her any more than she needs to know. This isn't about them, it's about me now.

"Any questions or problems so far?"

"No questions really, except for how far along I am and when my due date is. I've been experiencing awful morning sickness that leaves me weak and I've dropped a few pounds. That's about all."

"Well," she says, flipping through the chart again, then taking the circular dial tool from her pocket, turning it to match the information she's just noted. "You're right at about five and a half weeks if your dates are correct, putting you due in late October. We'll say the twenty-seventh. We'll get you on some vitamins and I'll write down the name of a couple of over-the-counter medications you can take for the nausea. They may not work, because again, everyone's different. Just take it easy if you need to. You're thirty-five, which automatically qualifies you for high-risk treatment. The cons to that are more appointments and more monitoring towards the end. The pros are that you'll get more opportunities to see, hear, and get pictures of your baby. You're healthy, so I'm sure it's all going to be purely precautionary."

"That's a lot to take in. High-risk sounds a little scary, but whatever needs to be done, I'll do it. I'll do anything to keep this baby safe." My hand goes to my stomach in a protective manner. I will do anything.

"I figured as much. Are you ready for the first look? It won't be much, but we should be able to see a little something. I'm going to do a quick exam and we'll get you your first set of pictures."

"I'm ready." I scoot down on the table to allow her to do what's needed, which only takes a few minutes. Then she calls my attention to the screen that's sitting on the cart where the ultrasound machine is stationed.

"This is an endovaginal ultrasound. At your projected gestation, it will help us confirm dates and rule out some early abnormalities." She inserts the wand and I watch the screen. After a moment, the image on the screen changes and she begins to narrate what I'm seeing. "That's your amniotic sac and it looks good. And that right there—that's your baby." I gasp at this indecipherable image. It's just a white blotch on the screen, but such a miracle. She pushes buttons and makes prints. "Was your last period normal?"

"I guess. It was a little lighter than normal, but it has been since I started the pill. It didn't seem abnormal. Why? Is something wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong, just not what I expected. Your baby's measurements tell me that you're a little further along than we thought. I'll have to wait to see blood results to confirm your hormone levels, but I'd put you between eight and nine weeks. It's likely your last period wasn't a period at all. I'll have to recalculate your due date, but I think you're at the last week of September to the first week of October now."

I try to wrap my head around her words. I can't believe that for more than a month, Derick and I were together and expecting a baby, but we never knew. He never would have left if he had. My memory travels to the day I found out about his son, how I went to my office and got sick and how I was off for a couple of days before that. It's all starting to add up.

"I knew I was pregnant, but I didn't quite expect this."

"Think of it this way—I just gave you a four week get out of jail free card on the morning sickness, since typically it lasts through the first trimester. Now let's take a listen." She then moves the wand slightly and turns a knob. I hear it. It's faint at first, but it's fast and tears fill my eyes while a smile takes over my face.

"Is that...?" I'm so overwhelmed that I can't finish my question.

"That's the heartbeat and it sounds great. Very strong."

That's our baby's heart, it's beating and it's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. It's amazing how that sound can change what you want and how you feel. I can't believe I was so resistant to this possibility when we were together. I suddenly realize that just like my memories, I'm not trying to replace my family, it was never about that. I only wanted one and am now creating another.

Derick

IT'S AMAZING TO ME HOW I grew up here, went to school here, I spent my whole life on these beaches, and now I feel like a complete stranger that doesn't belong. I've only been back three weeks, but it seems like forever that I've been away from her. It's a fact that instantly puts me in a shitty mood and, unfortunately, it's something I think about often. I wasted no time leaving Boston because I knew if I didn't go quickly, I might not have had the strength to leave at all. I know her reasons for wanting me to go. She was right and that's the reason I didn't fight her. That and I'm a smart man who knew he was fucked either way. If I left, it meant losing her. If I stayed, I'd have lost her too, and for no good reason at all.

Jules was right though. I need to be here with Connor, my son. When I'm with him, it's the only time I can be happy under these circumstances. He's my light and, as Jules once called him, my miracle. Holding him, listening to him giggle, and having him fall asleep on my chest, almost makes me forget how much pain I feel when he's not with me. When I'm alone, without either of them, I almost can't stand it.

I must pick up my phone at least fifty times a day to see if she messaged or called, or to message or call her. Of course, neither ever happens and I wonder if she struggles as much as I do. Does she ever want to call me and ask me to come back? Does she cry herself to sleep like I do? She always made it seem as though I was the one with all the strength and she depended on mine. Without her, I'm finding that she had it all wrong. I am only able to be strong because of her, for her. We were strong for each other at the exact moments we had to be.

It didn't take much to get my old job back. After all, the only reason I left was to escape. I'm staying in my parents' guesthouse for now, though. I'll get my rental in a couple of weeks, but I'm unwilling and resistant to lay down any roots. I'm still trying to figure out how I can keep my son and get Jules back and how we can be a family. The only real obstacle is Ann. As much as I hate what she did to me and how she treated me, she is the mother of my child. To have my way would mean taking him away from her and I don't know that I can do that. Whether we are together or not, he needs both of us. But I'm keeping my place in Boston, which for now is being sublet, just in case my heart finally wins the fight one day, and I want to go back.

I'm on my way to pick Connor up now. We're having a family dinner at my parents' house this afternoon. My sister, Carrie, her husband, and my nephew, Issac will also be there to meet their nephew and cousin for the first time. They haven't met Connor yet because Carrie's schedule has never worked out when I've had him at the house, which has only been a few times. And though my parents have seen him a couple of times now, this dinner will serve as an official celebration of the newest member of our family.

I pull up to the house, my old house, and park the car. I just sit for a minute, staring at the door and taking in old memories of when I used to be happy to pull up into this driveway, knowing my wife was on the other side of it waiting for me. I also think back to the last time I pulled into this driveway when it was my house.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It was a Friday and I had just finished a big project at work. A project that was going to put my company on the map and I was the lead editor. I'd spent months on it, working late, working early, you name it. I'd hoped that my success in the end would result in a promotion.

I'm summoned to my boss Evan Patrick's office late in the morning. I have no doubt as to why he wants to speak to me, no doubt I'll be praised. I just hope it doesn't stop there. I know it's arrogant to expect anything more, but I earned the promotion to Managing Editor. With any luck, that's what he's about to tell me.

"Derick, sit down." I do and Evan takes his place behind his desk. "You did a great job on the Diaz Project. I want to let you know that all your time and dedication to this job has not gone unnoticed."

"That's nice to hear. I busted my ass on this, and I'm glad my efforts were successful."

"That they were. This has proved what I knew all along, that you are a leader. You took charge, you got results, you kept on task, and managed your team. Which is why, we're going to offer you the position as Managing Editor. You've earned it. Your success is ours. We want you to know that and continue making both of us look good."

"I can and will do that."

"We know you will. Monday morning we'll have your new office ready and we'll make the announcement. I'll assign your team and I already have another unique piece of work for you."

"This is great. I can't wait to show you how much more I can do."

"We can't wait to see. Take off early today. Go celebrate with your wife and we'll see you back bright and early Monday morning."

"Thanks. I have one thing to take care of here and then I'll head out. Thank you again for this incredible opportunity."

"No problem, Derick. You earned it."

I leave Evan's office with more confidence than I walked in with. Usually when you feel that you've earned something, you end up defeated, but not this time. I'm pumped to start my new position and excited to get home and tell Ann all about it.

I stop on my way home to get a bottle of champagne, thoughts of how we will spend our evening playing in my head. A hot bath filled with our two bodies, candlelight, and a bottle of bubbly. Nothing has ever sounded so perfect. Not that money has ever been an issue in the matter, but maybe with the raise I'll be getting I can finally convince her to start a family.

I pull up to the house and notice Michael's car parked in the driveway. I don't think much of it really. We've all been friends for years, and he was over the other night for dinner, maybe he forgot something. I'll be able to tell them both the good news at the same time.

I walk in and head for the kitchen to put the champagne on ice. Strangely, I don't see or hear either Ann or Michael. Taking the detour from the kitchen to the living room, I still don't see anyone. I start up the stairs to our room and when I reach the top, I hear them. I hear them in a way I shouldn't and never imagined I would. Instantly enraged and already knowing what I'm about to see, I open the door.

Absolutely nothing can prepare you for the moment when you see your wife and your best friend fucking on your bed. But in that moment, I knew exactly what I needed to do. I'd been trying so hard for so long to make my marriage work and the only thing that did work was the sex. Seeing the two of them was the slap in the face I needed to wake up and see that she didn't want the things I wanted and staying in that marriage would slowly kill me from the inside out. She didn't want a family and children, even though early on she said she did. This was a sign that it was time to walk away.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I moved out immediately, taking up residence in my parents' guesthouse and filed for divorce. That's when I got Ginger. Though I really didn't miss Ann, I felt alone. A co-worker had mentioned that they had recently adopted a dog from an animal rescue center and the idea sounded more than appealing. As soon as I saw her I knew. Not only was I rescuing her, she was going to rescue me.

Funny how things have changed. Not funny as in comical, but in the way things have worked out. Ann was finally able to give me what I wanted, and in doing so, she cost me the woman that made me complete. She succeeded in giving me a life and taking away another at the same time.

Julia - 27 Roses

THANKFULLY THE NAUSEA MEDICATION my doctor suggested is working a little and as long as I remember to take my vitamins at night, my morning sickness is now bearable. With the pregnancy stealing most of my concentration over the last couple of weeks, I'm finding myself in a position I never have before—I'm falling behind with my work. Frank hasn't said anything about it yet, probably figuring that my promise to come back from my week off "stronger than ever" was empty from the moment it was made and I'm content to let him think that for now because I'm not ready to reveal the real reasons that lie above and beyond the obvious.

I've also been thinking about when the time comes for me to take maternity leave. I'd assume that if the company is set on maintaining two managing editors, they'll have a replacement for Derick by then. That thought causes me so much sadness. For them to replace him is really such an easy task and I find myself almost jealous of the simplicity of it. For me, there is no simple replacement or substitution for him, because for me, he wasn't just part of a job, he was my life. Part of him still is.

I blink quickly to hold back the tears threatening to escape. Not here. Not now. I have to push back all my thoughts of him to the part of my mind that's only allowed to think of him in private. Since thoughts and memories are all I have, they already steal too much of my time, time I need to manage more wisely.

Shuffling through papers on my desk, I come across something I started a while ago. It's the list I made when I proposed to Frank that we should cross-train someone to carry the office in our absence while we were all to be in Santa Barbara for the wedding. I allow myself only a second to reminisce before returning to the here and now and coming up with an idea. A brilliant idea. One that protects me in more than one way and I'll waste no time pushing it into action.

I pick up my phone and dial Franks extension.

"Frank Lawson here." He must have picked up without looking.

"It's Julia. Do you have a minute?"

"Do you ever give me the option to say no?"

"Good point. I'm on my way over." I set down the receiver and quickly gather my thoughts for my proposal. He won't be able to deny me. He has never been able to.

I walk down to Frank's office with only my cup of tea and a file in hand and let myself in, greeting Ashley as I walk by her desk. Over the years, she's come to understand that Frank and I operate differently than others in the office. I'm also sure that at some point, there was an assumption that our dynamic was attributed to office romance, which of course was never the case. Derick and I probably squashed all those thoughts.

I walk over and sit in the chair I always sit in, set my file on the edge of the desk, and sit patiently cradling my cup in my hands. He's busy at the moment and I'm really in no hurry. When he's finished he starts with small talk, asking the question I hate the most.

"How are you doing, Julia? I mean, really doing." He's noticed my shortcomings lately and as he should, he wants an explanation.

"I'm okay. I won't lie to you because you'd see right through it. I won't say I'm good. I won't say I'm great, but I will safely settle for okay."

"I'm worried. Julia, I'm your friend but I'm also your boss. We have an office to keep running."

"I know. That's why I'm here. I need help, but I'm not so quick to want you to hire another partner for me. I'm not ready for that, but I have an idea I think we might both be able to work with."

"I'm listening."

"I'd like to start training Joanne. If you remember, we talked about it weeks ago. She's sharp and I know she can do this job. Let me work with her and maybe you can save us both the trouble of hiring someone from the outside again. I'm sure that with her help, we can get caught up and stay on course." Well, one part of how I operate has gone unscathed. Make it sound so good, he won't say no.

"Well, you do have some good points. I'm not too pleased to have to look for a new managing editor and I haven't had anyone inquiring about the position. How long has Joanne been with us?"

"Five years. But, she has excellent credentials. She came to us from New York by recommendation. Her resume is more than flattering, and she's three years older than me so my title of youngest Managing Editor will remain intact." I flash an exaggerated smile to show my pride for the title.

"You've thought this through. All right, set up a meeting with her this afternoon. I've always trusted you, Julia, both professionally and personally. Please know that I'm here for you, you know, if there's anything I can do."

"I know and thank you. It's taking me a while to get back to normal, but I'll get there."

"I know you will." He does know because he's seen me come back from much worse. On the scale of life's curveballs, my current situation seems trivial.

I leave Frank's office, stopping to ask Ashley to set up a meeting with Frank, Joanne, and myself for that afternoon. As I walk back to my office, I feel a smidgen of guilt for withholding the truth behind my suggestion from Frank. The truth that I'm so scared to take the chance of him hiring a replacement for Derick, because no one could effectively and efficiently replace him. There's also the truth that he will need someone to take my position when I leave to have this baby, a position I'm not sure I'll even return to.

To make myself feel better about my deception, I tell myself that he doesn't need to know these truths right now because there are other reasons that I can use to justify my actions and there's plenty of time to confess the real ones that fuel them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

At two in the afternoon, Frank, Joanne, and I meet together in Frank's office. I can tell she has no idea why she's here but doesn't appear nervous at all. She makes me think of myself and what I could be in the few years it'll take me to match her current age. She's confident, attractive, and passionate about what she does. Why has she never asked for more in her career? She has the experience and the ability but has never once in her time here made the move towards something bigger. I just really hope she doesn't decline the offer she's about to receive because though she doesn't know it, she's my only hope right now.

Joanne and I sit next to each other while Frank sits comfortably behind his desk. She doesn't appear nervous, but it's obvious that she's wondering why she's here. Getting called in by the two of us would intimidate most people, but she's not intimidated; curious may be a better word. This is Frank's meeting so he begins speaking first.

"Joanne. Julia and I have been talking and have decided that our next managing editor should be chosen from our current staff. We, however, have also acknowledged that there is not anyone that's ready to take that position right now. We do think, however, that with some mentoring, we have one very promising prospect." Stop beating around the fucking bush Frank! Let a woman handle this.

"What Frank is trying to say, Joanne, is that we think you have that potential and I would like to mentor you."

"Me?" She looks at us questioningly.

"Yes. I mentioned to Frank that I saw the makings of a leader in you and that we shouldn't look elsewhere for what we have right in front of us." I carry on the conversation with Joanne as if it's just her and me; Frank's presence being temporarily ignored. "You don't have to accept, but I think you should give it some thought. You would be working with me and I will teach you everything you need to know, most of which I'm sure you already do know. You'd be doing yourself and the company a huge service, not to mention the assistance you'd be giving me. To be honest, I got used to the help that a partner provided me and it would be nice to have it back."

"Can I think about this? I've never even considered management. I'm quite comfortable with coming in, doing what I need to, and going home at the end of the day. When do you want my answer?"

"By the end of the week," Frank chimes in, to remind us that he's here and that this is his meeting after all.

Joanne rises from her seat and reaches to shake my hand and then Frank's.

"Ms. Morreau. Mr. Lawson. Thank you for the offer of this incredible opportunity. I'll give it some thought and give you my answer by the end of the week." She makes her way towards the door and just before opening it to leave, she makes eye contact with me. It's only for a second, but her eyes are wise and knowing. She knows there's more to this offer than is being admitted. I said it myself, she's sharp.

Derick

ANN ASKED ME OVER for dinner tonight and having no other plans, I accepted the invitation. I jump at every chance I have to see my boy. After all, he's my only reason for being here. My sacrifices and Julia's were for him.

Pulling up to the house tonight doesn't have the same effect it did the first time I came here. I suppose that was my equivalent to ripping off a bandage I'd worn since the day I left. I was revisiting a place that used to make me think I had it all, a place I never thought I'd want to leave. But in the end, I couldn't leave fast enough.

I walk up and knock on the door and I'm greeted by Ann and on her hip is my son. It's almost painful how my heart reacts to the sight of him because as soon as I see him, I just want to hold him. I reach for him and to my pleasant surprise, he reaches for me too. He knows who I am and that fills my heart with bliss.

Before he's made it into my arms, a beeping sound comes from the kitchen and Ann hurries the exchange to go tend to it. Connor and I close the door and follow her towards the kitchen.

"It smells good." She always was a good cook.

"Thank you. I made a lasagna, garlic bread, and panna cotta for dessert. Hope you're hungry." She smiles at me before opening the oven to remove the piping hot dish.

Her hair hangs down over her shoulder as she bends down and I can't help but think of how beautiful I once found her. It's times like this, when I'm seeing the woman that I loved for so long, acting like the woman that I loved for so long, that I wonder why. Why did she need to hurt me? Why did she abstain from wanting a family with me? Why did it take her getting pregnant at the most inopportune time to get us to this point? But I know the answers to all the whys I ask. At the end of the day she's not beautiful. She's selfish and that's a part of my guard I can't ever let down.

I play with Connor as she finishes preparing dinner and after helping my little man with his hand washing, we meet her in the dining room. I put him in his highchair and he pounds on the tray, obviously knowing what's coming next. She made a bowl of lasagna for him that she cut up into small pieces because he still only has a few teeth. He lets out a quick scream and pounds again, obviously letting her know that her time is up and he's ready to eat.

The finesse and patience she has with him is remarkable and, for me, it's a pleasure to watch. Any thought I had of taking him from her seems like such a cruel idea because of moments like this. I wanted nothing more than to be vengeful and punish her by taking him and going back to Boston and to Julia, but knowing how much my love for him has developed in such a short time, I can only imagine how strong hers must be.

There's a bottle of wine on the table and two glasses, so while she quiets the hungry monster with his first couple of bites of food, I open it and pour us both a glass.

"Oh, thank you," she says.

"No problem. He sure was hungry, wasn't he?"

"He always is. At his last appointment the doctor said he's gained a pound and a half." She turns to him with another spoonful and says, "You're my little piggy-wiggy, aren't you?" He opens his mouth to take the bite and is sated for the moment.

"Would you like me to feed him so that you can eat? I'm sure it's been awhile since you've had a hot meal." She thinks for only a second before handing the bowl to me.

"Have at it, Dad." I fill the spoon and bring it closer to his eagerly waiting mouth. "Just be careful. Sometimes—" she starts to say but the reason for her warning is already in motion.

Before the words could even make their way out of her mouth, Connor lifts his hands and smacks the spoon right out of my hand, resulting in red sauce flying everywhere. Two loud sighs fill the now quiet space and my little boy, literally caught red-handed, brings his hand to his mouth and starts sucking the sauce off, acting as though nothing's the matter.

I start to laugh and when I do, Ann and Connor join in.

"I tried to warn you," she says, "but it was already too late. Let me get you a towel."

She gets up and goes to the kitchen and I use that private time to commend Connor on his flawless execution in ruining my new white shirt and use my fork to, carefully, give him another bite. This time we have food to mouth success.

Ann comes back with a wet towel and starts trying to dab the sauce from my shirt. The contact makes me uncomfortable and I take the towel from her so that I may complete the task myself. She gives me that look. You know the one when you know you've hurt someone's feelings. Hurting her wasn't my intention but I was, in fact, rejecting her in the nicest way possible. She walks over, taking her seat again and takes a large gulp of her wine all the while trying to avoid looking in my direction.

"Ann," She looks down at her plate and picks up her fork to shuffle food around her plate.

"Don't. I get it," she huffs out.

"Do you?" Is she finally ready to admit her responsibility in making us what we are to each other now?

"I'm not her. If it was Julia, you wouldn't have stopped her would you?" Just as I thought. She'll place blame anywhere but on herself.

"No, you're not her, but it's not about her at all."

"Then what's it about, Derick? You moved back here. I just thought that meant you might have wanted to give us another chance. For him," she says as she gestures to Connor.

"My moving back here is all about him. We, you and I, as his parents, do need to have a relationship, but it'll never be what we had. That's gone."

She lifts her glass again and guzzles what's left, leaving it empty. As if now filled with courage or numbed by the alcohol streaming through her veins, she offers a truce in the only way she knows how.

"Well, I've had enough of this conversation. How about you? You want to go for a walk? Connor and I take a walk every night before his bath time."

"I think that sounds nice. Let's finish eating and I'll get him cleaned up." I take a bite of my food and it's so good that I remember that there were only ever two things that always worked between Ann and me. Sex and her cooking.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia - 29 Roses

Friday, Joanne came into my office after lunch. As I would have, she waited until the last minute to give us her decision. She knows she's worth it and wants us to know it too. I've never worked closely with her, but I don't miss anything that goes on in this office and I know we will work well together.

"Ms. Morreau," she begins.

"Please, from now on, it's Julia."

"Okay, Julia. I just came from Frank's office. I've thought about the offer and I've decided to take it. I didn't think I'd ever want this, but now that the opportunity has presented itself, it seems like something I'd like to do."

"I'm happy to hear this. I have no doubt that you are cut out for this and will impress me beyond my expectations. You'll keep your desk, but Monday morning, you'll come straight to me. I'll lay out the responsibilities and your new duties. Do not hesitate to ask questions, but I also want you to be assertive. This position requires leadership and confidence."

"I'll take this very seriously. Thank you again."

"No. Thank you."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I get home Friday night, the rose is there, right where I've come to expect it, on my door. Rose number twenty-nine marks another day he hasn't let go of me. Another day I haven't let go of him. As I slip my key into the lock of my door, I'm startled by a man's voice behind me. I turn and only a few feet from me stands my neighbor, alone. I've never really taken in his physical features, writing him off as a man-slut and vowing that he would never be the source of my sexual undoing. No, Derick got to hold that title.

Maybe it's my crazy out of whack hormones, but looking at him now, I see why he has so many women, different women, every time I see him. He's really quite attractive, having a tanned complexion that's slightly hidden by a day's worth of growth on the bottom half of his face and the short, styled cut of his dark brown hair. It's definitely my hormones talking and they are screaming: Sexy!

I'm so caught off guard by my body's unwarranted reaction to him that I realize I didn't even hear what he said.

"I'm sorry, excuse me?"

"I said, you must be a very special woman. Every day, a rose. Someone refuses to forget you." And it's those words that turn off my body's erratic needs and remind me that there's only one man who could sate them.

"I suppose, but it would be better if he did." I can't believe I just said that aloud to another person. Someone I don't even know.

"It's easy to see why it's so difficult for him." Suddenly uncomfortable with the direction of the conversation, I resume the task of unlocking my door. "If you ever want to have a drink or something, you know where I live." He points across the hall to his door.

"Thanks, but I don't think—"

He holds his hands up in a gesture of peace. "I'm not hitting on you. You just look like you could use a friend. My name is Rhyse. Rhyse Carter." His words are genuine and my nerves settle at his proclamation.

"Julia Morreau." I hold out my hand for a friendly handshake. I've lived across the hall from him for years and we've never officially met. "I'm sorry. It's just been a long week and I'm a little off. Thank you. I'll keep your invitation in mind."

"I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but heartache doesn't last forever, Julia. Only love can do that." A sincere smile tugs at his lips and he gives me a small nod before he makes his way to the elevator.

His words and the sincerity I feel behind them are more than likely spoken by a man who's experienced heartache. Without even knowing him, I now feel like I understand him in the smallest of ways. It's probably why I've never seen him with the same woman twice; why he hides here in this tower. He's a little broken. Just like me.

Julia - 30 Roses

I'M SO SICK OF being stuck in this condo! Other than going to work and to the doctor, I haven't left this place in over a month. It's time to get out and get some fresh air. It's still cold but I don't care. I look out the window and see there's a possibility of rain coming in. So what? I'll take my umbrella. Maybe I need a little rain to cleanse my soul right now.

I take off down Beacon Street towards the garden. For a minute I think of the last time I made this walk from my place. I went to talk to Alex and asked him for a sign. Moments later Derick showed up and I knew it was Alex doing what I'd asked. He was never able to deny me and death didn't change that.

I get to Public Garden and instead of finding my bench and sitting down, I just keep walking. I walk, avoiding anywhere that might make me think too much about the past. I'm not a third of the way through the park when the rain starts to come down and rather than opening my umbrella to shield myself from it, I welcome it and let it wash over me.

It feels so good to be out and to be careless for just a little while. I just need a few hours to not have to think and not have to look strong. I just want to walk among strangers and feel like the person I let so few people see. And how will I spend my hours of freedom? Walking across Boston Common, in the rain, to my favorite book store, then to Thinking Cup to have a chai tea and a bagel.

The rain has slowed a little by the time I reach Thinking Cup and a crowd of people, who had taken refuge from the rain, shuffle out at the first opportunity, leaving only a few patrons in the shop. I order my tea and bagel, then I park myself at the counter right at the front window and take out my new book to start reading. Granted, it's the same thing I'd be doing at home, but it's different. Though I don't interact, I'm surrounded by people—by life. Every once in awhile I look up and watch the people walking by outside. I find it so normal, because I've been here so long, but it's interesting how the weather never stops anyone here. In rain, shine, and even snow you'll see people walking about, tending to their business.

Today the rain stops no one and I feel liberated to be out amongst them. I eat the last of my bagel and look back down at my book when someone walking by catches my eye. It's a woman pushing a stroller and the child sitting in it is a little girl, maybe four years old. I just watch as she stops to tend to the little girl, buttoning her little coat up and making sure she's warm enough. The smile that plays on both their faces is the most beautiful thing ever to watch. The woman pulls off the glove from her left hand to better handle her task and I have no idea why, but the first thing I notice is that she's not wearing a ring.

I think to myself: that will be me in five years. The notion of being a single mother is again summoned to the forefront of my thoughts. She and I, we're no different. But I find myself taking her in and idolizing her very being. I will look that happy one day while taking a walk with my child on a rainy day. The weather won't stop me and being alone won't stop me because I'm not going to let it.

I go back to reading my book and try to lose myself in the words, but that is much easier said than done. It's time for me to get moving again. I have energy today and I don't want to waste it. It's time to do what I wasn't able to do before I met Derick, and what I really haven't done since. I don't want to merely exist while watching everyone else live their lives around me. I want to live a little too.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Monday I've got a small case of the sniffles thanks to my walking in the rain escapades from the weekend. I basically can't or won't take anything that's not approved by my doctor and I'm not making a special trip to her office for a little cold. My choice of self-medication is hot echinacea tea with lemon and honey and some vitamin C. Thankfully, by Tuesday I'm already feeling better.

We kept the first two days simple by giving Joanne the breakdown of what exactly it is that I do and together we have devised a plan to get caught up. Her ideas are fresh and insightful. Though I have a lot of confidence in my abilities, she's coming in with a new vision, which just might be what the office and I need.

I think I'm going to love having her around and not just for her drive and work ethic which almost mirrors mine. Actually, I think I'm going to like her in a very different way, one I haven't had the pleasure of in seven years. I think, well I hope, we might just become friends.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I've gotten a call from Ann to come to the house every night this week. I love spending time with Connor, but the time I'm spending with her is starting to feel like a bad idea. I think she's reading into it and gaining hope that our situation is changing, which it is not.

Just last night I was sitting on the couch at the house and an exhausted Connor had fallen asleep on my chest. I was in no hurry to move him because I loved the way it felt to have him in my arms. However, Ann, knowing I was trapped for the time being, opened back up a topic of conversation that I thought we'd silently agreed to avoid.

"Have you talked to her? Julia?" I should be surprised by her question but I'm not. She's just looking for our next argument. Negative attention from me is better than none at all.

"No. Not since I left and I don't want to talk about it, okay?"

"Why?" She's being persistent.

"Why what? And why is it you're asking questions about her?"

"Just wondering. You told me you were going to marry her. What changed enough to make you leave her?"

"Nothing changed. She wanted me to be here for him," I say putting my hand on Connor's back and rubbing softly.

"So, you're here because she wanted you to be? Not because you want to be?" I have a feeling I just unknowingly pushed the bitch button.

"No. I never said that. Don't put words in my mouth." Connor starts to stir and it's likely because he can feel my stress level growing with Ann's questions. So I'm careful to keep my voice low when I continue. "What's this about? I thought you'd had enough of this conversation. Why are you bringing it up again?" I pat his back to settle him back down and try to make my breathing more even and calming.

"I just thought... never mind. I guess I was just being stupid to think that you came here by your own choice. Stupid to think that we could ever be a family again." Now she's shaking her head and acting like a battered woman.

I do not want to get into this with her right now, but she's the one that brought it up and maybe now is the perfect time to set things straight.

"Look, I'm going to be the dick that this entire situation has made me from the beginning of it and say the things I'm not supposed to say. I don't know what you see happening here, but I think I need to be clear when I tell you that, no, it wasn't my first choice to come back here. Not because I didn't want to be with my son, but because I didn't want to leave the life I had there and the love I had there. She told me I had to, because she knows what it's like to not have another chance. I came back for him, only him. Not for you. Not for us because there is no us, Ann. There hasn't been for a long time. You are the mother of my child, that's all." The tension is high between us and Connor starts to wake up again. I try to soothe him but it doesn't seem to help this time.

"Then you should go back to Boston if you love it and her so much." When she says the word her, it's laced with so much bitterness, that it triggers my instinct to protect Julia, even in her absence.

"Ann. Don't." I know by the way she looks at me that she understands the warning I'm giving her. She stands and tries to take him from me, but I twist him out of her reach. "He's fine."

"It's time for his bath and I think it's time for you to go." As much as I don't want to leave him, I couldn't agree more.

I stand with him, give him a kiss and mutter a goodbye, then hand him to his mother. She doesn't say another word while I pick up my jacket and exit the house. The whole way home, I keep replaying the conversation and the way neither of us ever referred to Jules by name, aside from Ann's initial question. I avoided it because it would have felt too personal to share with Ann. I think she avoided it for darker reasons. Ann hates Jules because she knows, or thinks she knows, that Jules is the one keeping her from having what she wants.

From the first time Ann came to Boston, she never tried to hide the fact that she wanted me back in one way or another. I also knew that Connor was her way—her tool—to bend me at her will. I'm almost thankful that Jules didn't come here with me, and that she's not in the middle of all this. At least in Boston, I know Jules is safe and far from Ann's wrath.

Julia - 36 Roses

I MANAGE TO MAKE it to the end of the week and I feel better than ever about my suggestion to begin training Joanne. In fact, today I looked forward to coming to work, which I haven't been able to say in thirty-six days and thirty-six roses. These days I have my own calendar, my own way of knowing how many days have passed, which in turn reminds me how many are left until I'm not alone anymore, but that remains my little secret. It may not be a healthy practice, but it's how I get through the days without him. Although I don't always like what the roses represent, I look forward to them. But I also have a fantasy that one day I'll find him at my door instead.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Joanne and I are having lunch in my office, my treat for a week well done, when she starts with small talk.

"Any big plans this weekend?"

"No. You? I'm sure your weekends are much more exciting than mine," I say before taking another huge bite of my sandwich. I'm starving!

"What makes you think that?"

I hold up a finger while I finish chewing. "You just don't seem like a woman that sits around much, unlike me who sits in her condo reading all weekend."

"We need to get you out! Cooped up inside is no way for a beautiful and young professional to spend her days off. We should go see a show or do dinner and drinks. I am currently unattached and horny as hell so a girls' night sounds fun. A few cocktails and maybe even dragging some handsome stranger to bed so I can have my way with him. What do you say, Julia? You can be my wing-woman?"

It does sound fun. But, given that any girls' night of mine is limited to virgin drinks and no handsome strangers, I'm afraid my presence would likely be more of a buzzkill than a partner in crime.

"Sorry, I can't but Nora loves to party. Maybe—"

"Uh, no," she cuts me off. "We, her and I, are in different leagues. Not that I listen much to office talk, but I hear she's slept with almost every guy under thirty in this office. I'm a little more choosy than that." I blush and shake my head and she just smiles as if she understands that I'm not completely wise to the ways of being single and the concept casual sex. "Besides that, my luck would have people think that I'm her mother."

"No way! You do not look old enough to be her mom. Sexy older sister, maybe I can see that." We both break into a fit of giggles.

"I'll take sexy sister any day, but it won't be with her. Go out with me, Julia!" How do I say no without an explanation? I'm not quite ready to tell all.

"Really, I can't. But if you do go, have a drink for me and be safe."

"You're a riddle to me, Ms. Julia, but I'm going to figure you out. One thing I'm already sure of is that behind your tough exterior, I think you just need a friend. And just to show you that I'm a fair player, I'll let you in on a secret about me. I could use a friend too."

The corners of my mouth turn up in a smile and I know that I'm being given yet another chance to have something I'd long ago lost.

"Thank you." I don't feel the need to say anything else in response because I think she knows or suspects more about me than she's letting on already. She smiles back and we both commit to silence by filling our mouths with deliciousness.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Kisses are being feathered over my stomach while hands are wandering over more curvaceous parts of my body and neither is any less erotic. My nipples are so sensitive to his touch and act as an igniter for other parts of me that long for the feel of his skin. But he only teases me by getting close to where I want to be touched and then pulling away. He's making me crazy, but he thinks this is a fun little game. I disagree, it's been too long and I can't wait much longer.

"I've missed you so much, Jules," he says as he rises over me and kisses my lips, softly at first and then more hungry.

"I need you, Derick. I need to feel you. I need you to satisfy this longing I've had since the day you left. I've missed you so much."

He positions himself between my legs and when the connection is made, I see stars. My body has changed so much and every touch, every feeling is intensified a thousand times. He's careful to be slow and tender, each thrust sensual and quickly bringing me to my release. I dig my nails into his skin and move to meet him with every draw. I'm so close.

"Derick! Oh my..."

"Are you there, Baby? You feel incredible."

"Yes. Yes. Yes!"

We both cum together, then he collapses over me. I fight for air beneath him but don't want him to move. But the struggle becomes too much and I start to feel like I'm suffocating.

"Derick, honey, I can't breathe." He looks up at me with wild eyes.

"Do you want me to go? Is that what you're saying, Julia?" He never calls me Julia.

"No. Why would you think that?"

"Because you made me leave you once before."

"No, Derick! Please, Baby, I don't want you to go." He gets up from the bed and starts putting on his clothes. "What are you doing?"

"It's too late. You made your choice and you can't take it back. It'll be like I was never here."

"Derick, no! Don't go!"

"You can't take it back, Jules." And he's gone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I wake suddenly and find myself sitting straight up in my bed. My breathing is labored as if I had been running. My heart is nearly pounding out of my chest, and tears are running down my face. I blink through the tears and my eyes begin to adjust to the darkness that surrounds me. I look over at the clock which disappointingly displays one a.m. and I'm thankful that it's Sunday because I'm so disoriented by what I just dreamt and what I just felt. I'm completely filled with turmoil and I'm so lost. It'll be like I was never here.

I quickly look next to the clock where I find one of the ultrasound pictures I got at my doctor's appointment. Relief floods through me and I reach down and place my hand over my stomach, which has started to form a small bump, and force my breaths to slow. He was here.

"Breathe, Julia. You're okay," I say, trying to talk myself down. Then talking to my belly, more for my reassurance than anything, I say, "You're okay too." Tears start to fill my eyes again because I was so scared, but it was just a dream. A horrible dream that seemed so damn real. But something still feels so wrong.

In the dream, Derick was gone and I was left completely alone. Everything we had together had vanished as though it never existed. I was the only one that could recall any of it, which left me feeling like I had lost my mind. Worse than that though, I felt dead inside.

It made me realize that as much as I thought I was doing what was best for Derick and his son, none of it was what was best for me. I miss him so much, but I made him go. I can't say I would change the decision I made for anything because I know it was the right thing to do, but my dream was so real that I felt as if I was suffering the loss of him all over again and there was an overwhelming feeling that I would never get him back. Even worse, there was no silver lining. I had no piece of him to hold on to. There was no baby.

I lay there for a while rubbing my hand over my stomach, just taking comfort in knowing I haven't lost the only thing he left behind. She, or he, is still so little in there that no one can tell they even exist yet, which will soon change. I'm not sure I can even feel them, sometimes a little flutter maybe, but I know they're in there and that gives me hope. Derick said he'd come back for me and with every day that goes by, my hope for that truth grows stronger.

I let that hope and the rhythm of my touch on my belly lull me back to sleep. A peaceful and dreamless sleep.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

Sunday morning, I wake to Ann lying across my chest, my bare chest. She's still sleeping and is apparently quite comfortable with the arrangements. I look around the room, taking in where we are. We're in what used to be our room, in our bed.

I have no recollection of what happened last night shortly after I got here. I came to see Connor and Ann was in the kitchen making dinner. She made me a drink, it was brandy, but I only had one, or at least that's what I remember.

Shit! What have I done? I have to get out of here. Remembering that Ann is a heavy sleeper, I pick up her arm and gently remove it from around my waist, then slide my body from beneath her head, placing a pillow under her to take my place. Once out of the bed, I notice that I'm completely naked, and a fear like no other hits me. I slept with her and I can't remember a damn thing.

I make quick work of getting my clothes, which are strewn across the bedroom floor. I take them to the guest bathroom, closing Ann's door behind me and hoping she doesn't wake before I'm gone. Something isn't right. This isn't right. My feelings for Ann reach no further than those I'd be expected to have for the mother of my son and I've never led her to believe that anything more would become of us. I wouldn't have done this had I known what I was doing, which brings me to realize that almost every memory of last night is gone, as though it never happened. I need to retrace last night's events and figure out what the hell happened. I slip into Connor's room before I leave to see him still sleeping peacefully and leave him that way.

The drive from Ann's house to my parents' in East Mesa is about thirty minutes. I don't waste one minute of that time running last night through my head.

I wanted to pick Connor up for a night this weekend, but Ann acted as if she didn't want me to take him. It struck me as odd but then she suggested I come over and she'd make dinner for the three of us, promising there would be no more uncomfortable conversation and offering an apology for the last time I was there. Although that was just a few days ago, I wanted to see Connor, so I agreed.

I got to the house around five-thirty with nothing but a stuffed elephant for Connor in hand. I wanted her to know that I wasn't here for her, this was all about my son. I greeted her and she led me to the family room, where Connor was playing in the middle of the floor with soft blocks. I was so amazed to see how big he's gotten. I first saw him when he was six and a half months old, and now he's almost ten months. But he's growing so fast and it seems he's so much bigger than when I saw him just last week.

I sit down on the floor with him and wiggle the toy I brought in front of him, making a silly voice as though it was talking to him.

"Hello, Connor. How are you, buddy? Look what Daddy got for you."

He giggled and reached for the stuffed animal, squeezing it and quickly bringing it to his mouth, making it officially his. I was paying no attention to Ann and didn't notice when she came up behind me with a glass.

"Brandy? I remember it's your favorite. In fact, I think this is from your bottle."

"Thank you." It's all I can muster to say. I don't like that she remembers what I used to drink. I don't like that she remembers anything about me at all. Knowing those details is no longer her burden. Not wanting to miss time with my boy, but wanting to numb the annoyances of her, I decide not to squander it away. If it is my bottle, it's good brandy. I take a drink and sip it over the time that I play with Connor until dinner is announced.

Ann comes to pick up Connor from the floor and I make an attempt to stand myself, but feel unsteady. I take my time and after a second attempt, I'm finally successful. I attribute the difficulty to age and having eaten hardly anything today. I'll feel better after dinner, after I get some food in me. I sit down at the table and that's it. Blackout.

Apparently I was still functional because there is no way Ann could've gotten me upstairs if I wasn't. What scares me more about my lack of memory of last night's events is that I could've hurt Connor. What did he witness? I can only imagine since I woke up naked and with Ann draped all over me. Whatever happened in that scenario, she obviously didn't disagree. She looked pretty content and comfortable right where she was this morning. I can't fucking believe this. Why can't I remember anything?

No sooner than I pull up in the driveway, my phone starts ringing. It's her. I can't talk to her right now. I have no clue what to say. Not only did I most probably have sex with her last night, but I also skipped out on her this morning. I need to get my shit together before I can face her. I have no idea what she could be thinking is happening between us and right now I'm so screwed up by not knowing what did happen, that I don't want to tell her anything. We don't have a future together and no amount of time, apologies, what did or didn't happen, or Connor's existence will change that. I've got nothing for her. I gave my heart away, and I may have come back to Santa Barbara but the one with my heart and my forever, is still in Boston.

Julia - 40 Roses

STARTING THE WEEK, I'M caught in a funk. Vivid memories of the dreams are plaguing me and my analytical mind is obsessed with figuring out what it all means. What I'm most inclined to believe is that Derick has made a decision to do what's best for his son and maybe that was making amends with Ann. Although I wish he was able to come back to me, he needs to think about that little boy first. If he didn't, I'd have given him up for nothing.

Come Tuesday, it's a week and a day that Joanne and I have been working together and officially training her for a management position. I can't figure out, for the life of me, why she never pursued a position in management on her own. She's a natural and my backlog is quickly disappearing, but she's making me fat! She bakes almost every day. Last Monday she brought in scones and Tuesday a fruit tart. Then on Friday, she brought in a batch of chocolate chip cookies that were to die for. I won't deny that the woman can bake, but I swear this baby's not going to have anything on her when it comes to my weight gain.

"Good morning, Julia."

"Good morning. What is it I smell this morning? Whatever it is, based on scent alone, it must be incredible."

"This morning, I have tea for you, coffee for me, and chocolate croissants. I made them this morning. They're still warm." She sets down my tea and her coffee, then a napkin, and finally, my croissant. Though we've only been working closely together for a few days, she's a few years older than me and has swooped right in and taken care of me. She's a lot like an older sister.

I'm nearly drooling when I finally take my first bite. Oh my goodness! I'm convinced that if heaven has a taste, this is it.

"Not that I want you to leave, but I must say, I think you missed your calling. Who taught you to bake?" She takes her spot on the other side of the desk and picks up her own delicious treat.

"I used to bake with my mom when I was little. My mom always told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach. Well, I didn't want to be stuck having dinners ready at five every night. I wanted his heart, whoever he may be, to be a little sweeter in nature."

"Were you married?" I take another bite of my croissant and swear, if I was into women, I'd marry her myself.

"Yeah. I was once for a couple of years. His heart wasn't sweet though. It was unfaithful."

"I'm sorry."

"I'm not." She lifts her coffee to her lips and takes a sip. "I'm worth more than that."

She is. She's worth so much more.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Once we've finished our morning snack, it's time to get to work. It's the first of the month and I lift the corner of my desk calendar to bid farewell to March. Once the top sheet of paper is gone, it doesn't take my eyes but a second to catch one of the notes written on April's calendar. In my handwriting, the thirtieth is marked "Derick's birthday." All the joy I just had that was prompted by baked goodness and Joanne's company is gone. I slump down into my chair and with very little control over my emotions, give into the sadness that I feel. I can't help the tears that fill my eyes.

"Julia? What's wrong?" Joanne asks sympathetically.

I just look at the calendar and back at her, supplying no answer. She moves closer and looks for herself, quickly seeing what I saw.

"You're allowed to miss him. I know you don't want the rest of the office to see it, but you don't have to hide it from me."

"Some days, just being here is hard. Other days, I'm okay. I'm just constantly trying to keep the emotional wreck I feel on the inside from penetrating the person you all see on the outside."

"Have you heard from him?"

I shake my head and look down at the finger that should have his ring. "Not really. There's a rose delivered every day, waiting on my door when I get home. I think it's him. Roses have always been a thing between us."

"Nothing more?"

I look away from her and try to act busy shuffling things around on my desk. "No. And it's better that way. I don't want to hear promises that may never come true." While I'm saying what needs to be said, for my own sanity, it's not what I feel.

"Does he know?"

My head snaps up to meet her eyes and I immediately know what she's referring to. She knows that I'm pregnant. It would feel so good for someone else to know my secret, to not feel so alone and like I'm hiding something so special. I don't want to lie to her but the answer is caught in my throat. If I tell someone else while keeping the secret from Derick, does that make me a horrible person? And if she knows, who else suspects? I look back down and shake my head in response.

"You don't have to worry, Julia. I won't say anything. But if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm an awesome listener and I'm overflowing with advice, both good and bad. If it weren't for, well you know, I'd take you out for drinks and fill you to the brim with bad advice tonight." She laughs a little in an effort to lighten the mood in the room and hip bumps my chair. I look up at her and smile feeling relieved that I'm not alone anymore and have someone to share my happiness with.

"Can I get a rain check for about eight or nine months from now?"

"It's a date."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The rest of the week goes smoothly. It would seem that Joanne and I make quite a team. I never thought I'd want to be part of a team again, which was my main objective when suggesting her for the training. It's not that I can't be a team player. I just don't want to feel like I'm replacing Derick. Joanne doesn't make it feel that way. She hasn't taken his place, but she has filled the void.

Not that I can place all the blame on her, but by the end of the week my skirts are starting to get snug. It's not all her fault because I am sneaking up on my three-month mark, but she's partially at fault because I can't turn down anything she makes. It's all so delicious. I secretly think that now that she knows about the baby, she's made it a personal goal to feed me. Homemade pastries in the mornings, delivery for lunch, and she invited me out for dinner tonight. I had the choice of going home and spending the evening alone, as usual, or having pizza with my colleague and new friend. I chose pizza and a friend. And it doesn't matter what she offers to feed me, the baby wants it and I want it too.

It's been so long since I've had a friend. The last girlfriend I had was Jennifer. But it didn't take long after I lost Alex and the kids for my relationship with her to dwindle. It was mostly my fault. She wanted to be there for me but I started to cut off everything in my life except for my career. She and Tom reminded me of better times and I had enough of those memories to last me a lifetime and there were no more to be made. With Joanne, I find myself telling her things I don't feel like I can tell anyone else. I've even given her some of the details of what happened between Derick and me. She's a great listener, as she told me she was.

"Can I ask you something, Joanne?" I ask between bites of cheesy greasy goodness.

"You can ask me anything, Julia."

"Have you ever thought of getting married again?"

"If the right man came along, I suppose I would. I believe my soul mate could be out there somewhere, but I'm not looking for him. What's meant to be, is meant to be. I believe in fate and destiny and I believe all things that happen, both good and bad, happen for a reason."

"Do you think Derick and I were meant to be?"

"You're having his child. What do you think?"

Derick

IT'S BEEN ONE HELL of a week and all I've managed to accomplish is dodging Ann's calls like a champ. She's been relentless in her attempts to contact me but hasn't resorted to calling my work or my parents yet, thank goodness. I'm going to have to face her soon though because I want to see my son and in that regard, she is an unavoidable obstacle. I've asked her to meet me at the park with Connor. I want to keep it public, no booze, and no bed. The beauty to him being so young is that I can play with him and she and I can talk. It's a better idea than us being alone.

I get to the park and I'm a few minutes early so I park my car and I walk towards the fence that runs along the ocean's edge. There's a bench, so I sit and look out over the sea. It's beautiful, but it's not a view of the park. It's not the bench where I really saw Jules for the first time and knew that I had to find a way into her life. It's not the bench where I asked her to marry me and promised her forever, and it's not the bench where she put my son's life and needs before her own.

She's the reason I have to do this; the reason I have to do what's right. I have to be the man I should be for her, the man she knows I can be, or I'll never really be worthy of her. I can't help but wonder now if when she sits on our bench at Public Garden, does she think of me? Does she talk to me and ask me to come back to her? These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night. And now I wonder, if she knew of this lost evening with Ann, would she ever even take me back?

I hear someone approaching and turn to see my boy, Connor, in his mother's arms. I stand to walk towards him and my heart melts as he opens his arms to me. I take him from her and gently toss him in the air before drawing him close and repeatedly kissing his cheeks, which in return gets me a fit of giggles. It's true that his existence has turned my life upside down, but when he's in my arms, I can't think of what I've lost, but only who I've gained.

I silently acknowledge Ann, who was nearly forgotten in my exchanges with Connor. Then look over at the park where I see a swing set.

"Hey, Connor, do you want to swing?"

"He's too little for those, Derick." Of course, Ann protests my idea. She always seems to do that.

"He's plenty big enough. We brought Issac here when he was no bigger than this. They have swings with the built in child's seat. He'll love it." I direct my attention to him as I bounce him in my arms. "Won't you, little guy?"

She gives up the argument, knowing I won't back down. When we get to the swing set, I lift his chubby little legs and guide them into the holes in the seat. He shows no sign of intimidation by this contraption that holds him so high in the air. I push him lightly and Ann rushes out to grab the swing. I hold my arm out to stop her.

"He's fine. Look at him, he likes it." He's kicking his legs and giggling, it's obvious the enjoyment such a simple thing is bringing him.

She backs off, finally content with Connor's safety and she's the one to initiate our dreaded conversation.

"Why have you been dodging my calls and why wouldn't you come to the house today?" She tries to look hurt, but I can also see an edge of anger.

"I need answers. I don't want to lead you on and I don't want you to be hopeful for something that's not going to happen between us. I need to know what happened the other night."

"What do you mean, what happened? You don't remember?" She looks surprised and wounded by my memory's omission of that night.

"I don't remember anything after sitting down to dinner and I don't know why. I only had two drinks."

"I hate that I must recall that evening for you, but I will. We sat down to dinner, the three of us, as a family. It felt so good to finally be that way. It was a dream come true. You commented on how you'd missed my cooking, how it was one of the things you remember. I offered you another drink, but you declined it, stating that it wasn't a good idea to drink too much with Connor around. You said you didn't want to be that kind of dad. Anyway, we finished and sat in the living room talking and you played with Connor until it was his bedtime. We took him upstairs and you changed him and dressed him, it was actually quite entertaining to see you with him. After he was in bed and we walked out of his room and shut the door, you commented on how good that felt to be able to do that. You said you wanted to be able to put him to bed every night." She stops and takes in a couple of deep breaths, and then smiles as she recalls the memory.

I know what she's going to say next, but I don't want to hear her say it. I keep my focus on Connor, pushing his swing slowly and steadily, using him to remain grounded for what I'm about to hear.

"You told me you wanted to try again, Derick. You said we could be a family, that we could try." She chokes down a sob.

"What else did I say?" Now she's looking at me with complete disdain, and in doing so she exposes the reality I feared.

"Nothing. You said nothing more. Neither of us did, not with our mouths anyway. You—"

"Stop!" I say through clenched teeth so that I don't raise my voice in front of my son.

"Stop? I will not! Not until I tell you, that then you took me to our bed and made love to me!"

She said it. What I'd hoped I wouldn't hear her say. I slept with her and I made her empty promises, all things I have no memory of. She's also exposed the side of her that scares me, the side that has no remorse for anything she does.

"Sorry to ruin the beauty you saw in that night, but none of this makes any sense. So, I'm only going to ask you this one time and I expect the truth. What exactly was in that drink you so kindly offered that night?" No matter her answer, I know she had to have done something. She looks at me with fire in her eyes.

"Really? You are unfucking-believable, Derick! I'm done! You should've stayed in Boston. I can do this without you." She reaches for Connor, but I stop her. She's not going to use him against me, not anymore. "Give. Me. My. Son."

"Not while you're like this. You've hit a low, even for you." She knows she can't get through me and I'm sure to keep my one hand on the swing that Connor's in so that she can't get to him while I take my phone from my pocket and send a text to Carrie. I'm worried about my son and I'm about to start a war.

Me: Come to Shoreline park now. I need car seat

"What are you doing? Who are you texting?" She's panicking, and my first thought is to keep her calm so she doesn't try something stupid or draw unnecessary attention to us. Thankfully Carrie's response is quick.

Carrie: Less than ten minutes away.

I need to create a conversation that will keep her attention. I have to play along with this just long enough to get Connor out of here.

"Look, as I said, I don't remember anything about that night. I don't know why and right now that's not what's important. Our son is and we need to be able to have a civil relationship for him. I don't disagree with some of what you're saying I told you that night. I would love to be with my son every night, able to change him, play with him, and put him to bed. But, obviously, we have issues that need to be worked through. Issues you need to take responsibility for."

"Once upon a time, we were great together. We could be again." I'm starting to question her sense of reality and see no point in even trying to talk to her. I only need to keep her talking for another couple of minutes.

"Need I remind you why that greatness is gone?"

"Will you ever stop throwing that at me?" She's almost screaming. So I keep my words as calm as I can muster.

"Yes."

"Yeah. When?"

"When you stop acting like it didn't happen."

She looks away for a moment and I think maybe I've gotten through to her. My phone chimes and I look to see a message from Carrie.

Carrie: In parking lot. I see you.

I turn towards the parking lot and have a visual on my sister. Ann is still looking away, so thank God for predictive text I'm able to respond quickly.

Me: Take Connor to your house. I'll explain later

I see Carrie step out of her car and I make my move to take Connor out of the swing. Of course that gets Ann's attention.

"What are you doing?"

"I think we've been here long enough."

I start walking towards the parking lot and it's not 'til we reach the parking lot and I veer in a direction other than where our cars are parked that she notices Carrie's standing outside her car with the back door open. Then she starts to panic.

I hand Connor off to Carrie and as she fastens him in, Ann lunges to get past me.

"Derick? What are you doing? What's going on?"

"We need to talk. Alone. We have a lot to discuss. Carrie is going to take Connor to play with his cousin for a little while and we'll pick him up later."

She has an alarmed look on her face and is weary to trust me, as she should be. Her hesitance is logical, but I need to make her comfortable with this arrangement or she'll explode and this entire situation will get very ugly. I have a feeling that no matter what I do, ugly is not quite strong enough a word.

"We're going to go have lunch and come to an agreement. It was you that once told me we could do this without getting lawyers involved. I see no time like the present."

Derick

I TOOK ANN TO a beachside deli with outside seating. I didn't want her in the middle of a busy room if she decided to lose it. Right now I have to be the Derick I only became familiar with recently, the dick and the liar. The one that sugarcoats the truth in order to protect himself and the one he loves, which in this case is Connor. I don't like being like this, but in this case, I have to.

We're sitting at the table and all is silent between us for a couple of minutes. I have no clue what to say to her. I know what I want to say but now is not the time. She's the first to speak.

"Derick. I know you're mad and..."

"I have everything I need to take him from you right now and you know it." In her eyes I can see the fear that comes from my words. "I do want something from you though." Time to put on the act of my life.

"What do you want?"

"I want Connor to have a family, but I can't be with someone that's going to lie, cheat, and drug me to get what she wants. We both know that's what happened." She looks away; a classic sign of guilt. "I think you need a break. I think you need some you time. You need to do that for Connor and, in some small way, for me too."

"What do you mean, for you?"

"Everything you told me I said the other night, I may not remember it but, it is what I want. It's what I always wanted. I want my son to have a family. It's not going to come easy, but it can work. If you're willing to do this for me."

Her eyes gloss over. She's buying it. I'm careful not to say that we're getting back together, just that we can be a family. I hate giving her this false hope, but it's my only chance.

"So, what do you want me to do?"

"Let me take Connor for a few days." She starts to shake her head, but I hold up my hand halting her so that I can finish my request. "Maybe a week, that's all I ask. You can sort out your thoughts and we can start new. We need a clean slate to start from. Can you agree to that?"

"I've never been without him. I really don't know if I can." She's doing the same thing she does every time I ask to take him. She gives me excuses disguised as reasons why I can't have him and it's really starting to piss me off. I look away and take a second to carefully choose my words before I destroy this plan altogether. Only when I think I can speak without steering the conversation in the wrong direction, do I bring my attention back to her.

"You've never been without him, but I've never been with him. Do you know how that hurts me? I'd love to have him for the night, to watch him play with Ginger, to be the one there to see his morning smiles. I need some time to get to know my son and you need some time for yourself."

She's thinking. She wants us to be together. Her treacherous efforts have already proven that. Maybe she'll see that what I'm asking is really not much.

"That's all you want?"

"Yes. Can you do that for me?"

"I want us to be a family more than anything, Derick."

"If there's any chance at all, you have to do this."

"Okay."

She's agreeing? I had hoped but I never thought she'd give in so easily and that makes me weary that she has something else up her sleeve. She doesn't say much else for the remainder of our lunch, which is fine with me. The less I have to say, the less I have to lie. My heart is walking a fine line between feeling triumphant and disgraceful over the fact that I made her believe there's a chance for us. The truth of the matter is that, in the end, she won't have me or Connor.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I take her back to the park to get her car and the whole ride there she sits silent. As I pull into the parking lot, I tell her that I'll follow her to the house to get a bag for Connor. She just nods. If I didn't know her so well, I might be affected by her dramatics. She's playing the broken, beaten woman, but I see it as nothing more than a ploy to play on my emotions. That's how she works.

I follow her to the house and as she pulls into the garage, I park in the driveway. Before I get to the front door, it opens and I don't pause before stepping in. Still, she doesn't say a word to me and starts up the stairs to Connor's room. I follow, but when we make it to the top of the stairs, she stops.

"I can't do this." As much as her silence was irritating me, her choice of words when she decides to speak irritates me more.

"Yes you can. It's going to be better for Connor. We have to be better for Connor and we have a rough road ahead." I place one hand on her shoulder and with the other, I lift her chin to make her look at me. "You can do this."

She pulls me into a hug and I let her. No doubt that she's going to milk this for all it's worth, but I do believe she loves our son. I'm sure that my asking for this time is hard for her, but I'm also sure that she uses him against me as much as she can. He's her leverage and I'm trying to take that away.

She breaks free and walks into Connor's room. She takes his bag and begins to fill it with clothes, diapers, wipes, and a purple bottle of lotion.

"I usually bathe him around seven and use this lotion after. It's lavender scented and calms him before bed." She picks up the stuffed elephant I brought him and his blanket from his crib and places them in the bag as well. "He won't sleep without these."

"He'll be fine, Ann. I'm not just a babysitter, I'm his father. I'll make sure he has whatever he needs and I'll try not to disrupt the schedule you have for him."

"Thank you. It's just so hard, even thinking about him not being here with me."

"I go through that every day."

She doesn't verbally respond to me, but rather nods, hands me Connor's bag and heads back downstairs. I follow her to the kitchen where she fills another bag with his milk and a few jars of food.

"He'll try to eat whatever you do, just make sure it's soft stuff and watch him constantly. He only gets a bottle in the morning and before bed."

"Thank you."

"It's for him, not you."

I don't feel the need to say anything more and leave before she decides to have another breakdown. Once I have everything in the car, I connect my Bluetooth and tap the button to activate the voice command.

"Call Russ Bowman."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia - 44 Roses

I made plans with Joanne to hang out over the weekend. She wanted to go see the new movie Transcendence, explaining that she is, was, and always will be a huge Johnny Depp fan. I thought it sounded better than staying home by myself, which is all I ever do anymore—sit at home and read.

I'm just hopping out of the shower and getting ready because she's meeting me here and should be here shortly, as it's coming up on eleven. I grab a pair of jeans out of the closet and take to putting them on and everything is going fine until I go to fasten them. Oh my, it's happening. I'm growing out of my clothes. Yesterday, I noticed that my skirt was a little tighter, but this is not just a little tighter. The. Jeans. Don't. Fit.

"Shit! What now?"

The only thing I have that I know I can fit into are my yoga pants. I grab a pair out of my drawer and pull them on. This will have to do for now, but I can't wear these to work. I put my hand on my stomach and talk to my little bump.

"Doesn't look like you're going to stay hidden much longer, little one. But that's okay, it means you're happy. So, I'm happy." For that second, I allow myself to think about Derick. Having him here would make me happy too, but I can't go there right now. I snap out of my moment and go in search of a shirt.

I pull on my shirt and pick out a sweater, hoping it'll dress up my very casual outfit just enough so that I don't look like a bum. I do a once-over in front of the mirror and decide that I look good enough for a movie, but I really need to do some shopping. I hear a knock at my front door and go to it to answer, knowing already who it is.

"Coming!" When I open it, Joanne stands there with a bag in hand. "You can come in, but the bag can't."

She looks at me and laughs. "Let me in, mama." I'm weak, so weak. I stand back to allow her entry.

"Look, you have to stop feeding me. Look what I've been reduced to." I motion to my attire.

"A, you have to eat. B, with or without my help, you're going to gain weight and you have the only truly valid excuse to do so. C, I love shopping. So given that you need new mama clothes, you just made us plans for the afternoon." I put my hands up in surrender and she smiles while she opens the bag.

"All right, what is it today, Betty?" I look at her and grin. I've never called her that before, but it fits. She's my own personal Betty Crocker.

"Cheerio peanut butter bars. And, bonus, they're great on the go. Have you eaten yet today?"

"I had a banana with my tea this morning."

"That's not eating. Here." She hands me a bar packaged in a snack bag and I open it and bring it straight to my mouth. Then just for her benefit, I make a show of taking the first bite. Just like everything she makes, it's delectable.

"I have a feeling it'll do me no good to fight you anyway. What time is the movie?" I ask with my mouth still full.

"You're right, it won't, and twelve fifteen."

"Okay, let me grab my shoes and I'll be ready to go." I head back to my room to get my tennis shoes. We're going to be taking the T, and the closest station is a few blocks away at Copley Station. But the weather is beautiful with spring in full bloom and it feels wonderful to be outside.

When I walk back into the living room, Joanne is looking at the ornament Derick gave me for Christmas, the glass rose. I keep it on the entertainment center below the television. Sometimes, when missing him is just too much, I pick it up and read the words. "From love at first sight to the love of my life, you will always be my one and only ~ D 2013." Always. That's my favorite word. He may not be here now and he may never be again, but he did leave me a part of him to keep for always.

"This is very pretty." I don't want to talk about this right now. It's all I can do to hold it together every time I look at it.

"It is," I reply in simple acknowledgement to her compliment as I busy myself with my purse and check the charge on my phone.

"I get it." She sets it back down carefully and turns to me. "You ready?"

I give her a smile to thank her for not pushing. "Yes."

"Okay. Let's go."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

We get out of the movie around two thirty, both of us scratching our heads at what we just saw.

"That was weird," I say.

"The theory though, is amazing. The knowledge and intelligence to heal people like that? I'm just glad they didn't have any sex scenes. For a minute, I was worried they were going to go there with the whole human and computer intimacy thing."

"The theory is interesting, but it's all kind of creepy. I think it was a demonstration of what technology can do, along with a warning. With everything science can already do, at whose discretion will we stop? The scientists won't because they're constantly looking for the next big discovery. I must say though, Johnny's still got it."

"Yes he does. That man is sex on a stick, or with a stick. A stick I'd like to lick." I just look at her, unable to believe the words that just came out of her mouth. "What? I'm single, not dead. I've been crushing on him for almost thirty years. If I was Katie, I'd rather have him than Tom."

"I'm with you on that one." We both start laughing.

"So, where to now?"

"I really need to get a couple of new pairs of slacks or skirts for work. I can't wear these." I pinch the knit fabric on my leg. "I love these, but I will not let people see me like this in the office."

"You got it, mama. Where should we go?"

"Well, there're a few places to choose from between Newbury and Boylston. Let's head back that way." She takes my arm and loops hers through, linking us together.

"You got it!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I end up with three pairs of slacks, one of which I bought two sizes bigger than my normal since I'm bound to start growing at an alarming rate. Joanne and I are going back to my place to relax a little and hang out. I told her I'd cook her dinner. Then she asked if I'd be offended if she brought a bottle of wine. I can't drink it, but I don't care if she does.

We're walking up the stairs, as I always do, when Joanne starts running out of energy.

"Julia? Why didn't we take the elevator?"

"Because I never do."

"Are you superstitious or just crazy?"

"Just crazy," I laugh. "You can do it. Only six flights left."

"I'm not doing it for you. I'm doing it for the wine."

We make it to my floor without Joanne dying and I shift my bag to dig into my purse for the key, as we approach my door.

"Is that from him?" Of course she's gesturing to the rose, as it rests right where I've come to expect it.

"Yup. Another day, another rose."

I hear the door open across the hall and Rhyse steps out. If Joanne had been dying after the trip up the stairs, I think she's about to be revived by the vision in front of her.

"Julia. How are you?" he asks. I haven't seen him since last week, when we officially met.

"I'm good, thank you." Joanne inches her way closer to me and I can tell she's itching for an introduction. "Rhyse. This is my friend and colleague, Joanne. Joanne, this is my neighbor, Rhyse Carter."

She holds out her hand and he takes it in his, lifts it to his mouth, and kisses it softly.

"A pleasure, Joanne."

"Likewise, Rhyse."

I can tell by the way his name hangs on her lips that she's as taken in by his sex appeal as every other woman is, including myself just recently.

"Well, ladies, I really must go. Have a good evening." He winks at me, but his eyes linger on Joanne for a moment before he turns and walks to the elevator.

I take the rose from my door, unlock it, and push it open. Joanne doesn't follow me, as she's still looking down the hall in the direction Rhyse left.

When she finally realizes she's alone in the hall and staring at the closed elevator doors, she walks into the condo.

"Now that is sex on a stick. Holy shit! You didn't tell me you lived across from that."

I put the rose in the vase with the others and lay my new clothes over the back of the chair. "You didn't ask. He's my neighbor. I've never dated him, slept with him, or even talked to him until last week."

"Wow. You have self-control and I'll tell you a little secret. I don't. Where are the wine glasses?"

Derick

RUSS DOESN'T CALL ME back until late Sunday afternoon while I was at my parents' house with Connor. The phone rang, and once I saw who it was, I excused myself to take the call outside in private. My mother, of course, waved me along, more than happy to take care of her grandson for as long as I needed her to.

Once outside, I'm able to talk freely.

"Hey. Thanks for calling me back."

"No problem, man. I heard you were back in town."

"Yes. A few weeks now. Hey, I need your help."

"Anything, man."

I met Russ in college. He's a couple of years older than me and was a junior when I started at UCSB. I insisted on living in the dorms so that I could take in the entire college experience and Russ ended up being my roommate. He was a psychology major with his sights set on family law.

I was preparing for life as an English major and, although I didn't know it at the time, the best two years of my life. He was an amazingly intelligent guy and with all that mental mumbo jumbo he learned, he got us out of a lot of shit. He could take a reaming from the RA over an illegal dorm party and have him doing shots and taking credit for the whole thing in no time.

He also introduced me to Michael who would, until I caught him with my wife, remain my best friend for years after graduation. Russ went on to be a lawyer specializing in family law and made a killing since California's divorce rate was on the rise, but having such a brilliant mind, he also consults on a lot of criminal cases. If anyone can win this for me it's him.

"Russ, I have a son and I need your help getting custody of him."

"Whoa! When did this happen?"

"Ann was pregnant before we divorced but claims she didn't know. Apparently after a paternity test with Michael showed he wasn't the father, she came to me in Boston."

"So what are you going for, Derick?"

"She's fucking crazy! Last week she drugged me. I want full custody."

"How quick do we need to move?"

"As fast as we can."

"Stop by my office in the morning. I have a judge that owes me a favor, so I can probably have the order for a new paternity test by late afternoon."

"We have to do a new test?"

"What do you mean, new test?"

"When Ann came to Boston we had one done there, but I'll do anything you say needs to be done."

"Bring that in for me tomorrow and I'll take a look at it. Don't sweat this. I'll make sure you get your boy."

"Thanks, Russ. I'll see you in the morning."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's Monday morning and I get to start off my week by meeting Russ at his office to get the paperwork ready to file for whatever he says needs to be done. Ann only conceded to letting Connor stay with me for a week and I have to accomplish as much as possible in that time.

"Good morning, man. It's been a long time," he says as he greets me with a hug and a handshake.

"It has, but looks like you're doing good." There was never a question of whether or not Russ would be successful. Only of how much success he'd have.

"Yeah, things haven't slowed down. I'm busier than hell most days but I love my job, so it doesn't matter. Are you still in publishing?"

"Yes. I'm back at Royal Publishing since I came back from Boston."

"Boston. What an awesome place. Did you love it?"

"More than you know, man. I had everything I ever wanted there."

"I sense there's a woman in this story," he says teasingly. He himself, is a lifetime bachelor. He says he sees so much shit go down between people who once declared undying love to conclude that real love is nothing more than fiction. "You always were a hopeless romantic."

"And you avoided it at all costs," I tease back.

"Yeah, well." He gives me a look that says to each their own. "Okay, let's get to your case. You said you already had a test done. Did you bring that with you?"

I pull the envelope from my pocket and hand it to him. He inspects the envelope, then pulls out the contents and spends a moment looking them over.

"I'm going to give you a short disclaimer here. I win cases because I cover all the bases. I'm not naïve and I refuse to let you be either. Some of my questions will piss you off, but they are absolutely necessary. It's not personal, but this is a case that involves people's lives."

"I wouldn't expect any less from you. I've got nothing to hide."

"It's not you I'm worried about. Why was this mailed to you at your old California address when you clearly lived in Boston?"

"I gave Ann my information and she filled out the paperwork at the lab. When I hadn't received my results, she called and I guess they screwed up and mailed them to her address." Saying it all out loud, I know he's going to have a field day with me. I never realized how stupid this would all make me sound.

"I will tell you all the options available, just so you're fully aware, but I'm not giving you a choice. Here in the state of California, you have the option of signing a voluntary declaration of paternity or getting an order for testing. I'm taking the declaration off the table. You've already done the testing and according to these documents," he holds up the results, "they are acknowledged legally. But, I'm going to get an order to subpoena the records and results directly from the lab. I know you took this at face value, and no doubt, the lab's copies will match, but I want it straight from the horse's mouth."

"I'm not worried. Do whatever needs to be done. I wouldn't have come to you if I didn't trust you."

"We have to establish paternity first, then we can petition for custody and support. Now, Derick, I know what I'm capable of but nothing is ever a guarantee. When it comes to custody, fathers have more rights than twenty years ago, but unless a mother is declared unfit, it's unlikely that you'll get full custody. I need you to understand that until this goes to court, she still maintains her custodial rights and you, in essence, have none. You can't keep Connor from her."

"When she gets served with the paternity documents, she's going to go bat-shit crazy and you're telling me I have to give him back to her?"

"For now, yes."

"Well that's bullshit! Who's protecting him?"

"Calm down, man. I agree totally, but right now, we have no legally acceptable proof that you are his father and, although I believe everything you've told me about her behavior and her drugging you, you have no circumstantial evidence."

"I have the test results from Boston. I'm his father. I'll sign the declaration if it means she can't take him from me." I start pacing, trying to release my frustration so that I don't take it out on him. "She's not stupid, Russ. She's going to play this for all she can and I'm the only one that will see it for what it is. She'll fool everyone. You just watch."

He sits down behind his desk, the calm, cool, collective Russ I remember.

"Let me worry about all that. This isn't my first case involving a crazy ex-wife. We do live in Northern California. And I'm not letting you do anything that I wouldn't do myself. Trust me. She'll slip up and we will be right there to catch her."

I stop and look at him with pleading eyes. "I hope you're right. Is there anything else you need from me right now?"

"Keep yourself out of trouble and you know what I mean."

"She's going to have a good lawyer too, Russ. She can afford it."

"Yeah, well, she doesn't have me."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia - 47 Roses

Joanne walks into the office empty-handed, looking like she didn't sleep a wink last night. She goes straight to the coffee pot without saying a word and I watch her out of the corner of my eye while trying to look busy. I'm waiting to see if she'll be the first to speak because this is not the Joanne I know. Finally done with the silence between us, I girlfriend up, and say the first word.

"Is everything all right?"

"Not really, but I can't talk about it until I have coffee."

Having been a person that couldn't function without it for years, I understand and respect her declaration. At this point, Joanne and I have caught up on all the work we have and there are only a couple of things that require immediate attention so we can afford to give her the time she needs. She's an excellent partner, just like my last partner. But she's more—she's an excellent friend too.

Once the pot is full, she pours a cup and blows over the top of it to cool the top layer for her first sip and lets out a sigh.

"Better now?"

"Getting there. I need a hundred cc's of caffeine, stat."

"What's going on? I'm sure you don't need me to point it out, but you're a mess today. This isn't you."

"Thanks for noticing." The words are laced with a sarcastic tone and the smile she gives me is mocking. "Well, my neighbor had a pipe break last night, and that wouldn't be such a big problem for me, if he lived below me. But no, he's upstairs and I got to find out about this in the middle of the night when I got up to take a piss." She takes another big gulp of her coffee, then a deep breath, followed by another sigh. "So I had no water this morning, my bathroom's a mess and half my hallway is flooded. They're going to have to replace the ceiling, I just know it. I have no clue how long it'll take to fix it, but I can't stay there. I can't afford to put up a second rent or hotel fees in the meantime, and I have no idea what to do with my cat while this is being fixed. This morning I went to the gym I've been estranged from, but thankfully still pay for, to take my shower. I'm so glad I continued to waste that thirty dollars a month. I knew there was a reason for my laziness in that regard. But the extra time that took, stole my coffee and baking time; not that I could've done either, because I have no freaking water!"

"More coffee. You definitely need more coffee."

"I'm so sorry, mama. I'm just so tired and stressed out." Without thinking twice, I know what she's going to do. She's going to come stay with me.

"Although I miss your baking, that's not what's important here." I smile and nod my head jokingly as if to act as though that is what's important. "You'll come stay with me. I have a second bedroom that's never been slept in. It's yours as long as you need it."

"But I have a cat and you don't have pets. I can't ask you to do that."

"You didn't. I'm offering. And the cat's fine. I used to have a dog you know." Of course she wouldn't know that. I've only ever let her into my present life.

"No, I didn't know. Are you sure, Julia?"

"Absolutely positive. We can go get whatever you need after work, then pick up some takeout. We're feeling like Chinese tonight." I smile and excitedly move my shoulders up and down while pointing to my belly.

She gets up from the chair and walks around to where I sit, then leans down and hugs me. "You are amazing. I have a feeling not too many people know that."

Caught up in our moment, neither of us notice when Frank appears in the doorway.

"Not many people know what?" he asks, breaking the moment and getting both mine and Joanne's attention. Joanne is the one to answer.

"Julia here has offered to take in a temporarily homeless woman."

He cocks his head at that. He's not surprised, but definitely intrigued. "Who would that be?"

I open my mouth to speak, but Joanne beats me to the punch. "Me! Isn't she the best?"

I'm actually starting to get a little uncomfortable with the attention I'm getting over doing something so small by comparison. She needs help and I'm in a position to help. "Stop it. It's no big deal. You'd do it for me right?"

"Of course I would, mama." As soon as the word leaves her mouth I can see that she too just realized what she said and I turn to look at her wide-eyed at what she just called me. Then I catch a glance at Frank from the corner of my eye. His look is a little more than intrigued now, it's downright scrutinizing.

I'm thinking of a way to backpedal this conversation and the direction it's turned, but I'm afraid there's no way out of it, but I'll give it a try. Frank knows me too well and even if I manage to avoid an explanation now, my situation will become completely obvious soon enough. "She says I'm worse than her mom and that I work her like a horse. It's an inside joke."

He narrows his eyes at me as if he's gauging my explanation. "Well, it shows. You two seem to work really well together." He looks at Joanne for a second, then turns his attention back to me. "I'd actually like to arrange a meeting to discuss this arrangement and where it may lead."

I look to Joanne then back to Frank. "This afternoon?"

"I think I'm booked for the rest of the day. Get hold of Ashley and set up a time."

"I'll do that."

Frank walks to the door and reaches for the handle, but before he opens it, he turns back to look at me. Our eyes connect and in that moment I see something I don't want to see. There's no denying the emotion that's being conveyed. He knows there's something I'm not telling him. He knows I'm lying.

Julia – 50 Roses

I'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH my door closed. Living alone, I never felt the need and at Derick's, there was no door at all. It tends to make me feel more trapped than anything. With Joanne moving in while her apartment gets repaired, I tried it the first night, but ended up opening the door in the middle of the night and figured it didn't matter anyway. But this is the third morning, which is every one since Joanne's been here, that I wake up to a warm bundle of fur purring and pawing at my belly.

They say that animals can sense things like sickness and pregnancy, and I'm no scientist, but I think they're right. This belly is like a cat magnet. I really don't mind and actually find it rather comforting to have the company, but I like to tease Abby about it anyway.

"What are you doing in here again, silly kitty? Your mom's going to think you're abandoning her." She just looks at me with that attitude all felines have. The one that says I belong to no one and will do as I please.

It's then that hear the door to Joanne's room open, her steps as she walks towards the guest bathroom, and the door closing. Abby doesn't move, in fact, she's not the least bit affected by the possibility of her owner getting upset with her absence. Typical cat.

Joanne emerges from the bathroom, but doesn't come to my room. Instead I hear noises in the kitchen and knowing that she's a self-proclaimed caffeine addict, I know coffee is her priority. I continue lying in my bed petting Abby until she shows up in my doorway.

"Looks like you have a new cat."

"I think it's a pregnant thing."

"Maybe." She walks over to my bed and lies at the foot. "Hey, boss, I think we should play hooky today. It's Friday, let's start the weekend early."

"I can't. I have that meeting with Frank today, remember? A meeting to talk about you. You can take a personal day if you want. We're all caught up."

"Right. The meeting with Frank to discuss me."

"Don't worry, you're doing great."

"That's just how I am, a lifelong overachiever, but here's the thing, what if I'm not sure I really want this position? Ever? It's fun learning it and it's interesting enough to hold my attention, but I'm not sold yet. I'm not sure it's what I want."

"Well, I don't think any big decisions are being made right today. Honestly, I think you were made for this job, but I understand how you feel. Can I ask you a favor though?"

"Anything."

"I'll convince Frank that you need more time under my wing, if you agree to keep training with me."

"I'll agree but I want you to tell me why you want me to do this."

I want to avoid the answer to that question but she's too smart for that, so I know I won't get out without explanation. There's also the fact that she's the only completely honest relationship I've had in a long time. Honest with the exception that it kind of started by me using her.

"I'm going to let you think on that for a minute while I get my coffee and your tea. Abby, you just stay there, as if you had any intentions of moving anyway."

She gets up and leaves the room and while she's gone I rehearse the words in my head. How do I explain why I need her to stay?

She comes back into the room, double fisted with our two mugs and I scoot up to a sitting position to take mine from her. She sits down, takes a sip from hers, and gives me the just spill it look.

All I have to tell her is the truth. It's as easy as that.

"I actually suggested you for training back when Derick and I were engaged. I wanted Frank to be at the wedding and to make that happen, we needed to have someone to run the office. But then Derick and I broke up and..." My eyes start to water at rehashing the events of my recent past that is still so fresh. "I didn't want him to be replaced." The tears that I was able to hold at bay finally win and spill over and down my face.

Joanne reaches over to set her mug on my nightstand and takes mine to do the same. She moves closer to me and squeezes me in a one-armed hug.

"It's okay, sweetie. I understand."

"I used you so I wouldn't have to face another reality associated to his being gone. I'm so sorry." I let it all go and what does she do? She hugs me tighter.

"You didn't use me. If you had asked me, I would've done it anyway. It makes me feel special, in a way, because I know you don't let people in. Working with you, I've gotten to see the real you, not just the strong and unbreakable persona you put on for everyone else."

"I'm neither strong nor unbreakable. Not after I lost my family."

"You don't have to tell me any of this now."

"And you don't have to pretend that you don't know. I'm sure there was still some talk in the office when you started."

"I'm not pretending and I don't listen to talk around the office, and if you're willing to tell, I'd rather get the real story from you. So what really sucks right now is that if you don't declare this a hooky day, I'll have to wait and you may never tell me. What do you say, boss?"

"You can, but I can't. Rain check?" Besides the fact that I do need to go to work, I also need an out on this conversation right now. It's not that I don't want to tell her, but I'll need ice cream to tell this tale, since a couple of beers is out of the question. My mind quickly drifts to the last time this technique was used, ice cream instead of beers. It was on my first date with Derick. No, I can't think about it right now, so just as quickly as I went there, I pull myself back.

"Your rain checks are starting to stack up, you know? And you're a mean boss," she says, just like a child would say after being told no. "Ugh! Fine, I'll give you a rain check on this conversation but you're going to have to give me a rain check on a hooky day. Deal?"

"Deal. And on the way home we'll get you a bottle of wine, a big bottle, and I'll need at least a half-gallon of butter pecan ice cream."

She gives me one last squeeze before she jumps up and grabs her coffee, then scratches Abby on the head, and mutters the word traitor upon her exit.

"I'm going to shower. Let's get this day started so it can get over." She's out of the room and down the hall when I hear her shout, "Thank God it's Friday!"

I couldn't be more with her on that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Joanne and I manage to make it into work, not at all enthused but present. The promise of wine and ice cream tonight while I bear my soul and deepest secrets is serving as our fuel. My meeting with Frank is at two and I have a feeling a lot more than Joanne's work performance will be discussed. Of all the people I surround myself with, I've known Frank the longest and though we don't have girls' nights of ice cream and wine, we've had many conversations and understandings.

He's the only one, besides Derick, that knows my real story. The thing I always loved about him was that he was there when I needed him, but never pushed for more than I was willing to give. As promised, he was the first to know when I was ready for more, but deep down I think that he, as I, thought that when that time came, more might be between the two of us. He's never actually said as much, but neither did I.

A few minutes 'til two, I make a fresh cup of tea and try to get my courage in check for the questions and answers I'm expecting to be exchanged in this meeting. The Joanne part is simple, I couldn't say a bad thing about her if I wanted to, but I saw the look in his eyes the other day. I expect the inevitable.

I walk up to Frank's door to let myself in, as I always do, and Ashley stops me.

"He's not in, Julia." What?

"I have a meeting with him at two. Where is he?"

"He said he needed to step out for a bit. I'm sorry I forgot to call you. I figured he did."

"No, he did not. It's okay, I suppose I will just reschedule for next week."

"But he had me reschedule you for a dinner meeting." She must see the surprised look on my face. "He didn't tell you that either?"

"No, he did not." I feel like I'm starting to sound like a broken record. "Since you obviously know more than I do in this regard, do you happen to know where I'm supposed to meet him?"

She looks at me stunned for a second, then looks at Frank's appointment book, where I assume she thinks she'll find the answer, though she would've been the one to write it there to begin with.

"Umm, yes," she says as she follows her finger over the page. "Scampo. At seven."

"Thank you. And, I'm sorry I got snippy, it isn't your fault." Frank's going to get an earful when I see him.

"I don't blame you. Men!" She says shaking her head and rolling her eyes at the mention of the commonly clueless gender.

"Yeah. Men."

I head back to my office more flustered than when I left and it takes Joanne zero seconds to catch on.

"You weren't gone long. What happened?"

"Like a typical fucking man! He moved the meeting and didn't bother to tell me." She gives me a wide-eyed and, to put it nicely, oh really look. "Even better, he made it a dinner meeting."

Now her look clearly says what the fuck? All niceness is out the window. "So our vino and ice cream chat will have to wait 'til I get home. I don't expect to be too late."

"What's with you and Frank?" She gives me those eyes. "Were you ever—"

I cut her off before she can finish; the question already clear. "No. We've never been together. It's a weird thing we have outside of the boss–employee relationship, which really requires you to know more of the story than I can tell you right now. Frank was there for me while I went through a really tough time. He actually held my position here for me while I dealt with it. We've never been romantic, but we're close. As close as I'd ever let anyone get to me before Derick."

"You're right, I need to know more. You've got my mind spinning with the possibilities."

"As soon as I get home tonight, grasshopper. Have my ice cream ready."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I walk into Scampo a few minutes before seven. I dropped Joanne off at the condo and drove over because I didn't want to have to take a cab home. I know Frank would take me home if I asked, but not knowing the direction this meeting could take made me want to be self-sufficient.

Frank was waiting for me at the bar and I told the hostess as much as I passed by and walked straight to him. He had his back to me, so I just stood there waiting for him to feel my presence and my eyes burning into the back of his head. It didn't take long.

"Hey!" he says, both hesitant and surprised when he turns to see me. I'd say he's had a drink or two already. In return I cock my head and give him a mocking half smile, which I'm sure has quite effectively expressed my mood about this unannounced change of meeting venue.

"What time does this meeting start, Frank?" I ask, just a bit of sarcasm in my tone. Lucky for me he's a man who understands sarcasm and he looks a little scared.

"Once we sit down."

"Then allow me to take this opportunity to say, before the meeting starts, that you, sir, are an asshole. What the fuck is with you changing the meeting, to a dinner meeting at that, without discussing it with me? This isn't how you and I operate."

"Noted. It was a dick move. It won't happen again." He flashes me a smile and then picks up his drink from the bar and a glass of wine, which I know is for me. He hands it to me and I take it, deciding to explain why I can't drink it for later rather than discussing it at the bar. "You want to eat inside or on the patio?"

"Patio." I could use a little extra oxygen to get through this night.

"I figured you'd say that."

I follow him back to the hostess as he announces he's ready to be seated and we follow her to our table. Once seated, we sit silent for a minute, both of us looking at the menu and expertly avoiding each other. I'm relieved when Frank's the one to cut the silence.

"So. How's Joanne doing?" Good. He's starting out easy.

"She's great! She's a natural, but she's not so convinced that this position is something she wants to do as a permanent thing. I asked her to stick with it a while longer before throwing in the towel or making a decision."

"The responsibility is not for everyone. They're not all like us, you and me." He looks at me knowingly.

"I don't think it's that. She's great with responsibility. I'm not sure what it is."

The waiter comes over with two glasses of water and sets them on the table. I reach around the glass of wine sitting in front of me to pick mine up and take a drink. Frank looks at me skeptically, but I pick up the conversation as if nothing's amiss.

"I think maybe she just needs a little more time and maybe I'll throw her some projects to work on alone. I need to get her blood pumping, you know?"

"Lucky for us, the directors aren't breathing down my neck yet about filling the position, so I can give her a few more weeks. But if she's still not willing to take it further at that point, I'll need to look in another direction." I roll my eyes and look away not wanting to hear what he has to say. "Julia, I have to do what's good for the office."

I nod in understanding because there was a time when my life depended on doing what was best for the office. But my perspective has changed and although it's still a huge part of my life, it's not all I have to live for anymore.

"I know and I understand. It'll all work out." I'm nearing shut-down mode and need to keep it together. But then Frank does something completely unexpected. He reaches across the table and covers my hand with his.

"What's going on with you, Julia? You're not yourself lately."

"I'm fine, Frank. Really, I am." It's not a lie, but not the whole truth and it takes everything I have to keep from touching my stomach for strength. But he starts speaking again and I force myself to focus.

"You know, it's hard for me knowing everything you've gone through because all I want to do is protect you. From the moment we met, when you first started as an intern, I knew you were special. I took great pride in your commitment and accomplishments. You were quite a force to be reckoned with. Then you lost them and I was afraid you'd lose yourself too, but you didn't. You came back. Different, but stronger. Now, since Derick's been gone, I've seen a change in you again. It's like your fire is gone."

"I was a little off at first, but I'm back. It's good."

"You can't fool me. I know you too well." He stops for a moment as if he's not sure he wants to say what he's about to. "It's never going to be the right time to say this, but I wish it could've been me. I would've never let you go, no matter what choices you had given me. I would've found a way."

I'm stunned and can barely form a thought, let alone words, at what he's just said. I look at him, then at his hand over mine, then to the glass of wine. What just happened? He sees it in my eyes and on my face. Astonishment.

"Frank," I try but my voice is powerless.

"I'm sorry, but I couldn't..." He takes a deep breath, then starts again. "I wanted to give you time. I wanted to be there for you. And, when you were ready again, I wanted to tell you how I felt. I wanted to for years. My timing is all wrong, but I saw how happy you were and I want to see you that happy again. I can make—" I can't let him go any further. I have to find my voice and tell him why I can't move on with anyone, even him.

"I'm pregnant, Frank." His eyes go as wide as I'm sure mine were just minutes ago. "That's why I'm so off and why I need Joanne's help."

He slides his hand from mine and stares off before bringing his attention back to our space, but not directly to me. We sit there hushed and it's an odd silence that spreads out over many minutes until we're interrupted by the waiter. However, at this point I think we've both lost our appetites and Frank waves him off.

"Does Derick know?" he asks without looking at me, but I can see the anger growing in his features and I know what he's thinking. He thinks that Derick's abandoned me.

"No. I haven't told him. And before you jump to conclusions and scold me, listen to my reasons. He's not here because he has a son. I wouldn't let him choose between us and I believe he's where he's supposed to be. I made him go, Frank. I left him no choice. So, don't be mad at him." None of this is Derick's fault and I refuse to let Frank or anyone else blame him. "This is a situation where I refuse to put him in a position to choose. I won't have him torn between his children. It's better this way, for all of us."

"When I decided to talk to you tonight, I never imagined the turn it would take. I knew I was taking a huge risk in telling you how I felt. I knew the possibility existed that you wouldn't feel the same way, but I just kept thinking that maybe, just maybe there was some chance. I've stood back too long and I couldn't anymore." He pauses as if thinking for the right words. "A baby?" He pauses for another second and then meets my eyes. "You're not alone, Julia. I can be there for you."

He's so sincere and he's baring himself to me. I can see that he would do anything for me, but I can't let him. I'm still in love with someone else and I owe him nothing less than to be honest.

"Frank, you've been the one constant and uncomplicated person in my life for so long now. I care for you so much, and at one point I thought that if and when I was ever ready for a relationship again, it would be so easy and so perfect if it was with you." I struggle to keep the tears I feel building from pouring over. "But it wasn't you and it can't be now because I'm still in love with him and I'm having his baby, with or without him. I'm not just thinking for myself anymore and it's why I can't be with anyone else. Not even you." The tears fall and I'm powerless to stop them. He reaches over and cups my face, lightly brushing his thumb over my cheek to wipe a tear away.

"I understand, Julia. I do. I know what it's like to not have the one you want. But where you have me beat is that, unlike you, I'm just now understanding what it's like to not have them because you love them enough to let them go. You are a truly amazing woman, which doesn't make it easy, but it makes it possible."

"I'm so sorry." It's all I say because I can't say to him that I wish it was different. I can't say I wish I didn't still love Derick and that I didn't wish he was here with me so we could go through all this together. I can't tell him that every day I deal with my own inner struggle of wanting Derick to know how I feel and what's in store, but afraid of the consequences. Afraid that he will choose us, but just as afraid that he won't. I can't tell him that it's not him that I want. But what I'm most afraid to admit is that the only one I want is the one I can't have.

Frank just said, in a roundabout way, that he loves me. And I'm so stuck in the love I have for someone else that I can't embrace it the way I should, which could only mean one thing, that I don't deserve it. How did my life ever go from being so simple and empty to complicated at every turn?

Derick

I GOT A CALL FROM Russ this morning telling me that Ann would be getting the papers announcing my request for establishment of paternity today. So, I've been on pins and needles ever since. I dropped Connor off at Mom's this morning and Ann knows that's where he's been staying throughout the week. That piece of information slipped out of my mouth before I could think better of it when she called the other night. Of course she knows where my parents live, they've been there since before Ann and I were married.

I called Mom to forewarn her that Ann may make an appearance and, if so, to call me immediately. I'm only a few minutes away. I'd have taken the day off altogether if I hadn't already missed so much work for lawyer meetings. I haven't been back long and can't afford to endanger the stability I have. I need every ball in my court that I can get if I'm going to have a chance against her.

It's after lunch and I'm in a meeting with Evan when my phone starts to ring in my pocket. I excuse myself to pull it out and check the screen to see who's calling me. Just as I feared, it's Ann. I had told Evan what was going on and that I was expecting this sometime today. As a guy that only gets to see his children on weekends and every other holiday, he offered his support and hopes that I'm the guy that can break the mold when it comes to a dad winning custody.

"I have to go. If she just received those papers, there's no doubt that she's on her way to my mom's and I have to get there before she does." What a way to end the week. I knew it was coming, but it made me no more prepared for the actual event.

"I understand. Go on. We can pick this up on Monday."

By the time I walk out of his office the phone has stopped, but it's only long enough for me to go grab my keys from my office before it starts again. Answer it or wait 'til I'm in my car? I can already hear her screaming as soon as I answer and I decide to wait. I make quick work of getting my keys and try to make my exit before the phone starts ringing again.

I barely clear the front entrance when it goes off again. I suck in a deep breath before accepting the call and slowly raise the phone to my ear, just to pull it away six inches because the screaming I imagined a few minutes ago has become real.

"It's about time you answered! What the fuck is this, Derick? You're trying to take him from me now?" I expected this. I just have to keep my cool.

"That's not what those papers say, Ann. They say I'm trying to establish parentage. My name is not on his birth certificate and in order to get it there, we have to go through this process. I just want to establish legal right." My words, as calm as they may be, have done nothing to soothe her.

"You didn't have to do all this! All you have to do is sign a fucking document!"

"I've been advised not to do that."

"By who? Never mind! I want to pick him up now. I'm on my way!" Click. The line goes silent.

It didn't sound like she was in the car so I think I can beat her there. But just to make sure, I push just a little harder on the gas pedal. I don't want my Mom to have to deal with her and I don't want Connor to see her like this. She's obviously unstable and I can't let him be a victim of her insanity.

I pull into the driveway and breathe a sigh of relief when I don't see her car. But then I think, what if she was already here? No, my mom would've called, but I quickly move into the house anyway to make sure. I'm greeted by my smiling boy, who has already begun to crawl, and my Mom sitting in the middle of the living room floor with him.

"Derick! It's a surprise to see you here. Look at him go. It won't be long before he'll be walking and then the real challenge will begin." She laughs and looks between us with such admiration that it makes the warning I must give even harder. But time is running out. Ann will be here any minute.

"Ann is on her way. She got the papers today and she's not happy, which makes her unpredictable."

My mom picks Connor up in a protective mode. "You can't let her take him, Derick. After all she's already done..." She has taken it a step up from mother mode. She's in grandmother mode.

"If she seems irrational or unstable, I won't let him go, but Russ says she still has her rights to him. I can't keep him from her."

"But you're his father!" she says squeezing Connor even tighter.

"And that means I won't let anything happen to him."

No sooner than those words come out of my mouth, there's a banging at the door. Then my name being screamed at the top of her lungs, along with orders to let her in. This isn't going to go well.

"Mom, keep Connor in here until I say. Okay?"

She nods in agreement and kisses his head, keeping him in the shelter of her arms. I walk to the front door, open it, and step out onto the front porch, pulling it closed behind me.

"Where is he? I want to see him. You've had your week, and it's apparent that you've used that time well." She shakes what I assume to be the court papers in her hand.

"I told you. I just want it to be documented."

"Bullshit! I know what's next. You'll try to take him from me. Give him to me now!" She tries to push by me, but I stop her by grabbing her arms and pushing her away. She's losing it and there is absolutely no way I'm handing my son over to her.

"Let go of me! Give me my son! Connor!"

"No! Not when you're acting like this. He doesn't need to see you like this. I'm begging you to think about what you're doing." When she looks at me I can't tell if what I said made sense to her or if I just lit another fuse. Then she speaks and I have my answer.

Teeth clenched and in a volume not much louder than a whisper, she says, "No, Derick. You should think about what you're doing." She turns and goes to her car, then tears out of the driveway, leaving all caution to the wind.

I walk back into the house and into the living room where my mother still sits with Connor. She looks up at me expectantly, her eyes pleading for good news.

"She left. I don't know for how long though but I don't expect that this is the end of this." I sit down on the couch and run my hands through my hair.

"What do we do, Derick?"

"I don't know." I take out my phone to call Russ because he needs to know what's going on, but it goes to voice mail. I leave a message in hopes that he'll check them soon and tell me what I should do. Then we wait.

Maybe an hour goes by. Connor decided it was time for his nap and sleeps peacefully on a blanket on the floor in the living room. My mom offered me food, but I couldn't eat even if I wanted to. I know this isn't over, I just don't know when or what will happen next.

I hear something outside, a car door maybe. Then I hear more. There's more than one car here? I get up from the couch and make my way to the front door. I open it to see a police officer walking with purpose straight towards me. This is crazy. I expected her to do something, but this is much more than I could've imagined. When the officer is within a few feet of me, he stops.

"Are you Derick Edmunds?" There is no casualness to his tone.

"Yes. What's all this about?"

I'll get my answer, but not before he grabs my arm and turns me so that my back is to him.

"You are under arrest for assault and kidnapping." He twists my arms back, placing cuffs around my wrists and then recites my Miranda rights. I'm so shocked that I can't speak and it's not until my mind connects with the question he's asking me, that I realize it's the second time he's asked. "Do you understand your rights as I've read them to you?" Frustration and power are evident in his tone.

"I understand, but I didn't assault anyone. And how do you kidnap your own son? Did Ann do this? She's lying. You don't understand!"

He grabs my arm and jerks me around to take me to his car and that's when I see her. Ann gets out of one of the police cars and runs towards me. She's been crying and has makeup smeared below her eyes but what catches my eyes is a fresh purple bruise on her cheek, like she'd been hit across the face. Assault.

"I didn't do that to her. I don't care what she told you, it wasn't me!" I start to fight against the hold the officer has on me. "Ann! Tell them the truth, that I didn't do that to you! Stop. This. Now."

The officer holds my arm tighter and reminds me that he can and will use more force if I give him reason to. Ann on the other hand just looks at me and for a second I see that look in her eyes. The look that tells me she holds the only cards that count. It's almost like she's smiling without smiling, then she falls right back into the way of a battered woman.

"Where is he? Please, tell me he's okay." This is not looking good for me right now.

"I want an officer to go in with her. I don't want her in there alone with my mother," I say, addressing the man that has my arm. "Please."

He calls out to another officer and he comes over to where we stand.

"Escort Mrs. Edmunds in to get the child." A nod is all we get before he leads her to the front door while Ann follows closely behind. With her gone I take the opportunity to try to explain to my capturer what's really happening.

"I didn't hit her. I just served her with papers to establish paternity and she got them today. I've had my son all week, with her consent. She freaked out and came to take him but I told her that I wouldn't let him go until she calmed down. She tried to push past me and I stopped her, but I didn't touch her otherwise. She's setting me up. She's afraid I'm going to take him from her."

The officer that is holding on to me looks around to make sure no one is in hearing range and then looks me straight in the eyes.

"I believe you, but she's pressing charges and I have to do my job. Who's your lawyer?"

"Russ Bowman."

"I know Russ. He's good. I'm going to do something I usually wouldn't. Do you have your phone with you or is it in the house?"

"It's in my pocket."

To make it look normal, he does a pat down, emptying my pockets onto the hood of the car as part of the standard procedure, but when he pulls out my phone, he keeps it in his hand.

"I'm going to take it in to your mom and tell her to get hold of him. I think he could probably have you bailed out by tonight." He taps the screen. "Your phone is locked. Does your mom know the code?"

"She'd figure it out, but just in case, it's 0621." It's the day I was supposed to marry Julia. A day I haven't let go of.

"Sit tight. I'll be back in a minute." What else am I going to do?

He places me in the car and goes into the house. I'm left alone for the moment and all I can do is think of how everything has changed in such a short time. Coming back to Santa Barbara has been the worst thing I could've done. Nothing has gone the way I thought it would. Although the thought of reuniting with Ann never crossed my mind, I thought that on some level we could create a relationship for Connor's sake. Now, I just want to get custody and get back to Boston before I lose any more time with Jules. But Ann has lost her fucking mind and it would now appear that she is out to destroy me when just days ago she was willing to do whatever I asked to have me back.

I'm genuinely worried for her. What could've happened to make her turn so wicked? Or was she always this way deep down? But more than that, I'm worried for my son. What if her little stunt today ruins any chance I have of getting him? What if I'm forced to settle for being nothing more than a weekend dad? No, I won't settle for that because I gave up the love of my life to be this boy's father. Ann has erased any reserve I had about taking him from her. I will get him and when I do, we're on the first flight home.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The ride to the station was quiet, except for all the noise from the police radios. I've never been in the back of a cop car. Trust me, back in college I was no angel, but we never got caught. The first two years I fell under Russ' wing and the last two I had Ann to keep me grounded.

I go through the booking process of prints, photo, and logging my belongings. Then when I'm asked if I want to make a statement a voice pipes up from behind me.

"Not until he's had time to confer with his lawyer." Russ. Thank God he's here. The officer looks back to me for my answer.

"What he said. I'd like to talk to my lawyer first."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

They bring me to a room where Russ sits waiting for me and they leave the two of us alone. I'm expected to sit, but I prefer to stand. No matter what I do, I won't be comfortable so it doesn't matter.

"Derick, I know it sounds like an asshole thing to say right now, but I need you to relax. I'm going to get you out of here but I need to know what happened."

"You know she let me have Connor for the week, so I don't know where this kidnapping shit came from. She came to the house all pissed off after she got the papers. I met her outside and we had words, but I kept my cool, you know, trying to play it down. She tried to push past me and I grabbed her arms and pushed her back. I never hit her. I swear I could never do that."

"I never thought you did. But it doesn't matter what I think. I can get you out on bail, but it won't end there. You'll have to—" Then there's a knock at the door and an officer walks in.

"Mr. Edmunds, you are free to go. All charges have been dropped." He walks towards me and unlocks the cuffs and removes them from my hands. I look to Russ and he just shrugs, obviously not knowing any more than I do.

"Ask questions later." He packs up his briefcase and we walk out together and as we're walking he says, "This is not at all what I had in mind for my Friday. I think we both need a beer." I look at him and smirk.

"Me neither." I shake my head in disbelief of the last few hours. "I think I need more than that."

Julia - 51 Roses

WHEN I GET HOME, JOANNE is nowhere to be found. She did leave a note on the table by the door that said, Don't wait up. J and today's rose. I pick up the rose and bring it to my nose, remembering the first time he gave me one and how I did the same thing. This one makes fifty-one and tomorrow the fifty-second will arrive. Fifty-one days, fifty-one nights, fifty-one roses.

Maybe it's the proclamations that were made this evening or the fact that they were not made by the person I wanted them to be from that causes me to break. I start to cry and drop the flower back on the table with resentment for what it symbolizes. I hate that I know, without thinking, how many days we've been apart. I hate that I've come to look forward to each day's reminder of exactly how long it's been because it means that he knows and is counting too. But these roses are not enough. I want and I need more, but I have to remind myself that it's my fault that I don't have him.

With tears rolling down my face, making it so that I can barely see, I pick up my phone and start typing a message to him.

Me: Stop! Please, just stop

I can't hit send. Instead I crumble to the floor and just stare at the screen through blurred eyes for a minute, then tap on the backspace button until the text is erased completely. As much as I wish I could push it all away, I know I'll never be able to. I'll never forget and I don't want to. In fact, it's times like this, when I'm alone, that I find myself trying to remember every detail because the memories are all I have left. Well, not exactly all I have.

I wish Joanne were here now. She'd know how to make me feel better. Somehow, she always knows. Her absence is both a burden and a relief because though I long for her company, I need this time alone. I've become too dependent on others and too comfortable. Joanne's not here and just like I got by so many years ago, I'll get by now. I'm just exhausted and I need to go to bed.

I walk towards my room and as soon as I pass Joanne's room, Abby walks out, follows me to my room, and jumps right up onto my bed. By the time I come out of my bathroom, ready to collapse into my comfortable and welcoming bed, I see that she has already made herself quite comfortable. My only thought is that sleeping with the cat beats sleeping alone so I climb in and cuddle next to her.

I would figure that with so much having happened tonight and so many emotions running rampant through my mind, I'd never fall asleep. But on the contrary, I barely remember my head hitting the pillow before I'm lost.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

By the time I wake up the next morning, the sun has risen well into the hours of midmorning. Abby is right where I'm used to finding her, but the smells that usually permeate the house, indicating that Joanne is already awake, are missing. Is she still gone? Where would she have gone?

As if my thoughts had been capable of putting out an APB, I hear the front door open and close quietly, but not quietly enough. Acting as though my only reason for getting out of bed is to use the bathroom, I make sure to look out my door and down the hall just in time to catch Joanne in her very obvious attempt to sneak in.

"You are so busted!" And busted is right. There is no better word to describe a grown woman sneaking in at ten in the morning carrying her shoes, wearing a half-buttoned blouse, and an immodest head of just-fucked hair.

She looks at me like a deer in headlights. But the grin on my face must convey the enjoyment I'm getting from this and then a bashful smile shines on her face.

"Look, mama. I'm not a lady, so I will talk. But it's going to have to wait 'til later. I need to get some sleep first."

"Sure. Okay. Long, rough night? I get it," I say teasingly. She smiles again and walks into her room.

She didn't walk far with her shoes in her hand and a hairdo like that. My instincts tell me that she wasn't far away at all, no farther than across the hall. I saw how hers and Rhyse's eyes lingered on each other the day they met. And I know how, even in my unavailability, my hormones and body reacted to him the day I met him. If I'm right, I can't say I blame her. I'll let her sleep for now, but I want all the spicy details later.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

About three hours later, while I'm sitting on the couch reading, Joanne emerges from her bedroom. I look at my watch to see that half the day is gone, but I have a feeling that, for her, the loss was totally worth it. I set down my book and go to the kitchen to make her a coffee and myself a tea. I've been reading a sappy smut novel all morning and I'm eager to hear about her real life encounter. My hormones have been insatiable lately and I'm horny all the time. Reading smut helps me satisfy my needs mentally, since handling the physical need is a little trickier. But knowing that someone in this house is getting a happy ending makes me giddy and curious. If it was Rhyse that had my Joanne up so late last night, I can finally get the inside on what it is, besides his looks, that keeps the ladies coming.

She enters the kitchen in a long button-up night shirt and boxer shorts and has tamed her mane of dark tresses. She leans herself against the counter as I pour her cup of coffee and when I move out of the way she grabs it greedily and raises it to her nose.

"You are the best friend ever." She blows on the hot liquid preparing it for her first sip.

"Care to tell your best friend where you were and who you were with last night?" With my question, a smile spreads across her face and there's no hiding that any mention of last night brings back very good memories. "Come on! You said you weren't a lady!"

"Well, let's start from the beginning, shall we? You ditched me for dinner with Frank last night," she lifts her eyebrows and grins. "Which I'd like to hear about next, by the way. So I stopped and got a salad, a bottle of wine, and your ice cream, then came back here. I was waiting for the elevator, because I'll admit, I use it when I'm not with you, when Rhyse walked up and waited with me." She's smiling again and I can't help but to join her.

"And? Don't stop now!"

"He said hello and we made small talk as we rode up. Then I just happened to mention that you abandoned me and that I was solo for the night. I showed off my extravagant dinner plans and batted my eyes and he asked if I would like company. I think it was the wine and ice cream combination, it made me look pathetic and in need of rescuing." I roll my eyes, but now that she's mentioned ice cream, I want some. I go to the freezer and grab the carton and then to the drawer for a spoon, not caring that eating straight from it is barbaric behavior because there probably won't be any left when I get done anyway.

"Then what?"

"I snuck back in here and you busted me. End of story." She takes another long sip of her coffee.

"Bullshit! You will not leave me hanging like that! Do you have any idea what it's like to have your hormones raging to the point where you're horny all the time and have no way to quench that need? I'm tired of reading smut, I need something real," I say nearly whining.

"Wow! Julia, I never pegged you as a beggar." She laughs at me and I realize how desperate I sound. But I don't give a shit. I've watched Rhyse for years and always wondered what was so great about him. Now I have an insider and by the way she's teasing me, I'd say that number one on the What's so great about Rhyse Carter list is definitely the sex.

Joanne refills her mug and walks towards the living room, then sits on the couch and pats the space next to her. I obediently follow and sit, turning so that I face her.

"Well, let's just start by saying that anywhere you'd think to sit, stand, sleep, or eat in his condo now sparks very fond memories for me."

Oh my God! This is going to be better than any book I've ever read by far.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I had planned to spend my birthday with my son and family, but instead I've been instructed to have no unsupervised contact with Ann, unsupervised meaning without legal counsel, which means I can't see Connor. Though it's still a couple of days away, happy fucking birthday to me.

It's makes me sick that she'd cry wolf over something as serious as me hitting her and then just drop the whole thing, like it was a big joke. Since it happened, I've seriously considered just leaving; going back to Boston and putting all this behind me, but I can't. Now I know what Julia was talking about when she said Connor was my miracle. Not only can't I walk away from him but I can't just leave him with Ann either. She's losing her mind at record speeds. No, I have to wait this out, and when I finally do leave, I'll need two seats on the plane.

Although it totally sucks not being able to see my boy, not having to speak to Ann is a blessing. It does get annoying because she still calls all the time, mostly just to hang up but sometimes she leaves a message that makes no sense. I have to log and save every single one so that we can use it later in my case against her. I don't think she'd ever intentionally hurt Connor, but her behavior is so unpredictable. I worry for him, but not having to deal with her has dropped my stress level massively.

With all the silence over the weekend, I've had too much time to think and all that thinking brought me to the conclusion that all I need to do is sign that damn paper so we can move on. Waiting for the subpoenaed test results is just wasting precious time. We know what they say, so why is Russ so hell bent on waiting for them?

At the beginning of the week I find I have some free time so I use it to call Russ and tell him I'm done waiting. I want to move on, get my boy, and get as far away from Ann as possible. Surprisingly he picks up on the first ring.

"Hey, Derick. How's it going?"

"It's going, but I need it to go better. I want to sign the affidavit. I'll do whatever I need to so that we can get to the next step. I'm tired of waiting for results all the while Ann's losing her fucking mind while she has my son."

"Whoa! Wait up, buddy. I'm not going to let you sign anything. You sign nothing without me. Do you hear me?"

"I don't understand. I already showed you the results. We already know what they're going to say. We're just wasting time and if I remember right, I hired you."

"I understand what you're saying, I do, but hear me out and don't lose your shit on me."

"Talk." He is the smartest guy I know and if he has a solid reason, I really have no choice but to trust him.

"Ann came to you in Boston all ready with a place and time to take the test. Then, you never got your results but she did. Next, she shows up with an envelope with your name and her address saying that the clinic messed up and threatening you to cooperate. I call bullshit! I'm not saying that you're not the kid's father, but I'm not letting you sign shit based on the piece of paper you have. I love you, buddy, but you have always been the softest do-right mother fucker I've ever known. I'm not letting that bitch fuck you over again."

If it wasn't for the fact that he's obviously miles away and we're discussing this over the phone, I'd swear he just smacked the shit out of me. But I think that's exactly what I needed. Everything he's just said hits me like a ton of bricks. I did fall easily into all of this, maybe not in the beginning when I resisted every idea that Connor was my son, but he's right; I never took anything into my own hands. I never questioned anything, even when I knew something felt off.

"For the record, I'm not soft. Truth be told, I didn't want to come back here. I'm only here because of Julia. Russ, right now that kid is all I have."

"I know, man. It'll work out the way it's supposed to. But I need you to trust me. I would never steer you wrong."

"I know you wouldn't. When is this paternity hearing going to happen? How much longer do I have to wait?"

"We're on the calendar for May twelfth. First hearing that day."

"Another month? When will the results be in? When will we know whether or not we even need to go through with all this?" He's managed to put doubt in my head and I don't know what I hope for anymore.

"May twelfth. I had the order stipulate that they be sent directly to the court. That way there is zero chance of foul play. The judge will read the results at the hearing."

"All right then. But if the opportunity to get this done any sooner comes up, I want you to hop on it like you did that red headed chick from senior year. Got it?"

"Damn, she was crazy in the best way. You got it. Now chill the fuck out! I'll talk to you later."

"Whatever. Later."

I swear if this was all some bullshit lie to get me back here so that she could... hell I can't even think of what her motive would be. She's obviously got issues, but that's low even for her. I'd like to say that Russ is being paranoid, but I know he's just looking out for me. And while Russ is looking out for me, I'm thinking ahead to when I'll be able to put all of this behind me.

Julia - 58 Roses

IT'S BEEN A LONG week both physically and emotionally. Joanne was only here three out of the five nights, but she was never far away. Not that I payed much attention to every woman Rhyse brought home, but it seems to me that Joanne might be a favorite. On the two nights that she was home, she cashed in her rain check for the story of my past, which actually felt good to tell to someone without a medical degree. Needless to say, I managed to polish off my half gallon of ice cream and she went through two bottles of wine and a box of tissues.

Then I told her about my meeting with Frank. She said she noticed that the interaction between the two of us seemed a little more strained than usual. Hopefully, she was the only one that noticed. And I'm not sure if it was just to lighten the mood, but she said it's no wonder men fall in love with me; I'm just one of those women men can't forget. I've never thought of myself that way.

So, with all of that, I've decided not to leave the condo at all today for anything less than a life-threatening emergency. Joanne has a meeting with the apartment owner today, and is hoping for news that she can move back home soon; that's what she says anyway. I think she likes being across the hall from Rhyse. I, on the other hand, really enjoy having her here and I'm not looking forward to being alone again.

It's a little sad really—before Derick I did things. I had routines. I went to the gym, out to eat, and I went for walks to the park all the time. I loved the park because it was where I felt close to my family. But since Derick's been gone, I do nothing. That's until Joanne came along. I feel like I'm stuck in a funk with no real intentions of getting out of it, at least not 'til the baby comes.

I was worried that come Monday, things at work were going to be weird between Frank and me. It really wasn't too bad, but it wasn't normal either. We tried not to leave things on a bad note that night, both of us deciding that the friendship we had was something we weren't willing to sacrifice. I love Frank, but the love I have for him could never be enough, it's not the kind he deserves.

But now he understands half of the reason why I suggested training Joanne again. I'm going to need time off in a few months and I was setting up a plan. He's not thrilled with the fact that I didn't trust him enough to come to him so that we could make this decision together, but he's able to accept the fact that I was trying to avoid adding more insult to injury when I blindsided him with the news.

I'm sitting on the couch reading my book, when there's a knock at the door. At first, I ignore it, waving it off as a figment of my imagination, obviously my book world invading reality for a brief moment. Besides, no one ever comes to visit me. Then again there's the rapping noise from outside my door.

I set my book down, so that it straddles the arm of the couch to hold my place during this brief interruption. I look down and take in my appearance, but decide that yoga pants and a loose button-up shirt, though unflattering, is good enough for my unknown mid-day intruder. Then I think that it could be Rhyse looking for Joanne. I can't let him see me like this, but just as quickly as it came, I wave off that worry because Rhyse and I will never be any more than neighbors anyway.

I don't bother to check through the peephole before unlocking the door and pulling it open. I'm surprised to see a well-dressed man, looking to be in his forties, standing before me. I have no idea who he is or what he wants and I'm prepared to tell him he has the wrong suite, but he doesn't let me wonder long enough for the words to be produced.

"Julia Morreau?"

"Yes. Can I help you?"

He reaches into the inside pocket of his suit jacket and produces an envelope.

"I am Jared Collins. I am, well I was, Henry Ellis' attorney."

As soon as the name escapes his lips and he changes the tense of their relationship from am to was, I know what he's about to tell me and instead of letting him say the words I do it for him, hoping that hearing them come from my own lips may lessen the pain they'll inflict.

"He's gone. Isn't he?" My eyes quickly and involuntarily fill with tears.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Morreau, he is. He came to me just after Christmas and he gave me this asking me to deliver it to you when the time came. He also told me to remind you of your promise?" He looks at me confused. He apparently wasn't let in on the secret between Henry and me. It must be odd for him to remind me of something he doesn't even know, but I don't need him to know because I remember it like it was yesterday. Just plant a kiss on this cheek and promise me I'll never have to see another tear in them pretty eyes again.

The memory does nothing to help me keep that promise to him now and the spiteful part of me wants to cry harder, because he's no longer here to make sure I'll keep it. I do try, but fail and the tears fall.

Mr. Collins watches me sympathetically as the memory comes and goes. Then he stretches out his arm to hand me the envelope. I take it and bring it to my chest, hugging it to me as if trying to feel close to him one last time.

"Thank you, Mr. Collins, for coming here today."

"It was my pleasure, Ms. Morreau." He reaches again into his suit pocket, but this time, he produces a business card and hands it to me. "If you ever need anything, legal or otherwise, please let me know."

"Thank you. I will." I take it, not oblivious to the fact that he's hitting on me, but react as though it's just a kind gesture.

He looks as though there's more he'd like to say, and lingers for a minute, but he doesn't say another word. Finally, with a nod he turns to go.

I close the door, still holding the envelope close to my chest. I don't bother to secure the locks again before I walk to the couch and plop down, knocking my book from its place in the process, but I don't care.

I take a deep breath and flip the letter over in my hands. Free handed on the front is my name, in what I assume to be Henry's handwriting. It's masculine but shaky and I brush my fingers over the letters; the mindless act causing a fresh stream of tears.

"Sorry, Henry, but right now it's a promise I just can't keep."

As much as I want to open it, I don't want to open it. They're his last words to me and I can't bear to read them. His passing forces me to face a major change in my future. I'll no longer be able to see my family on Christmas Eve, and by family, I mean Henry too.

I just stare at the letter moving my finger across it and it's then that I feel that the contents are more than a piece of paper. There's something small but solid enclosed as well. Curiosity overrides my heart's resistance to read his letter, so I take in a deep breath and tear open the seal.

There's a folded piece of paper and as I tip it a key falls into my hand. I keep hold of the key as I unfold the letter. His writing is so shaky and it's more noticeable than on the front of the envelope, but it doesn't matter because these are his words, his words to me. Though he'd only known me for a few years and our visits were but once a year, I'm honored that he thought of me.

I wipe my eyes and try to focus on his words, which is not easy, but he thought enough of me to write these words and I think enough of him to try to hold my tears long enough to read them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Dear Green Eyes,

I'm sure you could tell when you last visited, that this old man wasn't getting along as easy as he used to. But I told myself, I'd hang around long enough to see those pretty green eyes, just once more.

I want you to know that the Christmas Eves we spent together, gave me a reason to keep pushing on. After the first time I saw you, crying at that gate, I knew I wasn't going anywhere 'til I knew you were happy again. When I saw you with Derick, I knew you were. I saw a connection and a love between the two of you that reminded me of my Emily, and though I was happy for you, it made me miss her more than ever.

Derick's going to take good care of you and love you more than you can ever imagine for the rest of your lives. I'm not psychic or anything, but there're just some things an old man like me knows, and I also know it's time to be rejoined with my love.

The key is for the gate, that way you'll always be able to see your family on Christmas Eve. No one usually works on Christmas Eve. I did that because I wanted to, but if you do run into the new grounds keeper, tell him I sent you, that should get you by for a few years to come. All I ask is that you stop by to see an old man and leave a kiss on my left cheek, metaphorically speaking of course. But, absolutely no tears are to be spilled from them pretty eyes of yours, not for me.

You are a beautiful woman, inside and out. Thank you for being part of my life and allowing me to be part of yours. Enjoy every blessing that life gives you, Green Eyes. And always believe that love will prevail.

Love always,

Henry

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

No promise I could ever make is strong enough to keep my tears at bay now. I let them fall without remorse because not even Henry could expect me to hold them in right now. I will break my promise this once and then try my damnedest to never break it again.

I have no idea how much time has gone by when I finally feel like I can cry no more. I'm exhausted, my thoughts are scattered, and my heart is so broken. I've lost one more friend—family—and someone I loved. I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of having the people I love ripped from me.

It's in that moment of pure grief for every loss I've endured, that I reach out to the only one that I still have any chance with.

Me: He's gone. Henry's gone.

His response is almost immediate. As much as I push him away, he's still there for me.

Derick: I'm so sorry, Jules. Are you okay?

No. I'm not okay and I want to tell him that I'm not and that I need him, but I can't. I don't.

Me: I will be. I just needed to tell someone. I don't want to bear it alone.

Derick: I wish I could be there for you.

I wish you could too. But you can't. I can't ask you to.

Me: That means so much, but you can't.

I wait a minute for his response, not knowing what I expect him to say because that wasn't fair of me.

Me: Good night, Derick.

I know he wishes he could give me exactly what I want, but I can't let him do that. I can't let him feel guilty that he's not here for me and I can't feel guilty that he wishes he could be. He didn't respond so I know he took my last text as the farewell I intended it to be and he doesn't text back again. It's the only correspondence we've had in almost two months, and it wasn't enough, but it was all I could allow. It was a moment of weakness and greed that caused me to cave. One moment that I can not allow to be repeated.

I sit there silent for a minute or two looking from Henry's letter to Derick's text, and then at the key. It's completely silent, but then I hear a rustling at my door. I set everything on the couch and go to the door. When I open the door and look out into the hall, all traces of whoever was just here are gone. But evidence that someone was here remains, by way of a single rose left on my door.

I'll have to abide by the words that my dear friend left me. Enjoy my blessings and believe that love will prevail. I take the rose from the door and hold it to my nose, then I place my hand on my stomach.

"You are the blessing and I hope for both of us that love does indeed prevail."

Derick

IT'S ALMOST NOON AND I just grabbed Ginger's leash off the hook so we can go for a run when my phone chimes in with a text message. No doubt it's Ann since her efforts to get me to talk to her lately have been nothing short of relentless. She wants me to drop the hearing and it's simple—I won't.

Per my attorney's instructions, I don't answer any of her calls, respond to any of her texts, and I don't have any plans to do it any differently today. She fucked up by calling the cops and having me arrested for kidnapping my own son. I was willing to play nice before she drugged me and even after. I was willing to work with her, hoping she'd seen reason and get help, but she threw that all out the window. She did, not me. She's about to find out what a big mistake that was.

I plan on ignoring the text altogether and continue my task of clipping the leash onto Ginger's collar, but again the chime sounds reminding me that it's there and waiting for me. So now I have a choice to make. Do I wait 'til I get back from my run, letting it plague my mind and keep me from the clarity I seek? Or do I get it out of the way and use the anger, it's bound to cause me, as fuel and a reason to run harder?

I choose the latter and pick my phone up off the table. There's no reason why I can't use her ridiculous behavior to my advantage. I bring the screen to life, sure of what I'm about to see, and I'm knocked on my ass by what I never expected to see. My heart skips at least three beats and suddenly I need to sit down. The text isn't from Ann. It's from Jules.

I look away blinking my eyes repeatedly and force a couple of deep breaths into my lungs before I look back at the screen. I can't believe I'm seeing her name. It almost feels like I'm dreaming while I'm wide awake. I swipe the screen to open the message and when I read it, it's not at all what I had expected to see.

Henry's gone.

I say the only thing I can, I'm sorry. I only met the man once but during that brief visit, I could easily see how much he cared for Jules and how much she cared for him too. She must be in so much pain right now and I should be there to comfort her, to hold her, and keep her from feeling alone.

I could be there in just a few hours, but she didn't ask me to. She said she just needed to tell someone and then she said goodbye. Again. She needed to free herself from the burden of having to hold it in and she chose me. That alone should fill me with happiness and hope because it proves that she hasn't let go of me any more than I have let go of her. Instead guilt and disappointment fill my heart. Guilt for all I've put her through leading up to this point and disappointment in myself for not keeping my word. I promised Henry I'd take care of her and I haven't. I've hurt her and nearly destroyed her trust.

This text from her proves that not everything between us is lost. She reached for my strength and, in turn, ignited a desire to be stronger for her. To make sure that I keep the promises I made her because those are the only ones that count.

I stare down at her words and feel that there were many left unspoken. But who am I to point out or criticize the act of not saying what should be said and not doing what should have been done? I'm guilty of it too. I'm here in California, all the way across the country from where I know I should be and with the woman I know I'm destined to be with.

Well, there's no time like the present to start doing what I should've done as soon as I got here. It's only been a few days since I talked to Russ, but I'm done being patient. I tap the phone icon and scroll through the contacts until I find the one I'm looking for, then hit the call button.

Of course, it just rings and rings. He's probably out golfing or whatever it is justifiably expensive lawyers do. With Jules' text still fresh in my mind, my motivation to make things right is revived and I only have one goal in mind. I need to get back to her. His voice mail finally picks up and I wait for my cue to speak.

"Russ. Derick here. I'm done screwing around. I want this hearing moved up as soon as possible. Remind me why I'm paying you so much." I hang up.

It's time to stop being the man that plays nice and gets taken advantage of. It's time to be the man that fights for what he wants and gets what he wants. By the time I'm done here, I'll have my son and Jules back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia - 60 Roses

I get to start off my week with a doctor's appointment to check on the baby. I'm almost fourteen weeks now and officially out of the first trimester danger zone. My nausea has become a rare event and I feel like I'm starting to get some energy back. With all things considered, I'm feeling pretty good. There was a minor emotional setback of learning about Henry, and Derick's words, I wish I could be there for you, summoned a bit of melancholy, but it's passed. I think it has everything to do with knowing that Joanne will be staying for, at the most, another two weeks. Though I never wanted to have any dependence on her, I do and she lets me.

Other than the emotional roller coaster, I think I'm taking to this pregnancy pretty well and I also think that the hard pregnancy I had last time was directly related to carrying twins and the stress of a young broke couple, still newly married. We'll see what Dr. Stewart says today.

I walk into the office and there're at least fifteen other people in the room. I sign myself in, take a seat, and pull out my book. I'm ready to settle in for the long wait. The nurse opens the door and calls a name, not my name but that of the girl sitting to my right. She and the man with her stand and walk together to be lead into the back office. I try not to waste too much time dwelling on it, but I can't help that I'm suddenly overwhelmed with feelings about what I just saw.

I'm happy for that woman because she's not alone, but I'm sad and jealous because I'm alone and something I've never felt before rears its ugly head—anger. I'm angry that she has what was ripped from me, but I'm even more angry because if I look closely and really see the truth—I'm angry because I let it go. I gave it away.

Why couldn't I go with him? What do I really have here that I can't leave? The answer is nothing. I have nothing and my everything is in California where I sent him to deal with something we should be dealing with together. I fucked up, in the worst way and every day that I keep this baby from him, I'm making it worse. I need a plan.

"Julia?" The nurse calls my name so I shove my book in my purse and stand to walk to meet her. "Good morning, dear." She's an older, plump woman and when she calls me dear, she makes me think of things a grandmother would say. Grandmother. I think of Liz and how not only am I a time thief where Derick is concerned, I'm stealing it from all of them. "Julia. Are you okay?" the nurse asks.

"Yes. Yes, I'm fine. Sorry."

"It's okay, dear. Baby brain, as I like to call it. Every mom gets it." I smile because I only wish I could blame it on the baby. "Let's get you on the scale."

Another two pounds explains why I've recently experienced another size increase in my pants. I'm now sitting on the table waiting for the doctor to come in. I didn't come in with a lot of questions but I did have a few, only now I can only think of the one and it just popped into my head minutes ago. Other than assuring me that everything is going as planned and that my little one is happy and healthy in there, I only have one thing to ask and I need her answer to be yes.

There's a light knock at the door and then she pushes it open.

"Hello, Julia. How is everything with you today?"

"I'm good. Slowly but surely starting to feel normal again."

"That's good. I'm just going to take some measurements and then we'll take a listen." I lie back on the table, lift my blouse off my stomach, and push the top of my pants down to just below my belly. "Have you felt any movement yet?"

"No. Isn't it still too early for that?" I ask surprised at the question.

"Generally yes, but some women who are on their second or more pregnancy say they can feel it sooner. Who am I to discount their experience, right? It's possible." She finishes her measurements and jots them on the chart. "You're right on target. Now relax. This will be a little cold."

She squirts on the jelly, then presses the Doppler low on my belly. It's only a second or two before I hear the swoosh, swoosh of my baby's heart. It's so much stronger than last time and the sound brings tears of joy to my eyes. "That sound is so beautiful."

"I agree. It's nice and strong. I'd say everything is going perfectly." She removes the Doppler and wipes the jelly from my skin. "So I don't think I need to see you for another month. You and the baby are doing great. Do you have any questions for me?"

Here it is, the moment that will help me decide my next move.

"I had a few, but now I'm drawing a blank." I'll just blame it on baby brain.

"Well if they come to you, give me a call."

"There is one that I remember." I'm almost afraid to ask because although I want her to say yes, if she does, I'll have nothing left to hide behind.

"Well, go ahead. You can ask me anything."

"I know it sounds silly, but I'm thinking about taking a trip. Is it okay for me to fly?"

"As long as there are no complications you can fly all the way up to thirty-six weeks. Where are you thinking about going?"

"I was kind of thinking about taking a trip to California. Maybe Santa Barbara."

Derick

AFTER I LEFT THAT message for Russ, he didn't call back 'til two days later saying he was working on it. The biggest hold up was getting the results from the lab in Boston, but he said he was on it. Apparently he has a friend at the courthouse who's going to let him know as soon as the results arrive and help us to get moved up on the docket. He talked about this friend very fondly and I have a feeling that the cost of this favor won't be a hardship for him at all. It may not get us moved up a lot, but right now I'll take whatever I can get.

What I need is to keep my mind busy with things other than this hearing. As if I ever stopped thinking about her, I find that Jules is the light that keeps me from losing my mind. No matter what happens here, whether I win or lose, I know I still have her, and once I've upheld my responsibilities here, I can get back to her.

But even though the thought of her is refreshing, it does nothing to make time go by any faster. I needed a huge distraction and I found myself in Evan's office first thing last Friday morning asking for a project that'll require every ounce of my free time 'til this all comes to an end. He obliged me by giving me a solo project which would probably be better suited for a team, but he said that if it's focus that I need, this will require a lot of it and he's certain that if anyone can do it alone, I can.

I worked from home all through the weekend, taking breaks only to play with Ginger and to go for our runs. This project is doing the trick of holding my attention and suddenly Ann's calls and texts have come to a halt which is an added bonus. Come Tuesday of the next week, I've been so consumed with work, which is what I wanted, that I'm still at the office at seven o'clock when Russ calls. Looking at my watch I see that it's about time for me to take a break anyway. I take off my readers and set them on my desk and then pick up the phone and seeing Russ' name, I excitedly accept the call.

"Russ. Tell me you have good news." I don't think he'd be calling if he didn't.

"I do. The results are in and I got us moved up to next Friday."

"A week and a half closer. That's only a ten days away, this is great news! Thank you so much and thank your friend."

"Oh, trust me, I plan on thanking her very well."

"Can you have everything ready for the next step? I don't want to waste any more time. I know the custody hearing will take a while but in the meantime I want visitation. I need to see my son."

"I've got all that covered. If the results say he's yours, I'll be able to file the custody hearing immediately. We'll nail her to the wall."

"I don't care for your choice of words, you know, been there done that, but I know what you mean. Thanks, Russ."

"Any time. I'll talk to you sometime this week."

"All right. Bye."

"Bye."

Ten more days 'til I'll know what the next move is and how much longer I'm trapped here. The time can't go fast enough and it's a blessing that I have this project to occupy my mind or I just might go crazy. But I can't work anymore tonight. My concentration was broken just long enough, causing me to lose the desire for any more work.

I need to get home, take Ginger for her walk, and try to relax. The last on the list will definitely be the hardest. How can I relax when there are so many things going on around me that I have little or no control over? I want to see my son—I can't. I want to get through this hearing so I'll have the answers necessary to make my next move—I have to wait. I want the one and only person, who makes me feel strong, standing beside me when the truth is revealed—she can't be. And now Russ has put the thought into my head that Connor may not even be mine. That very question consumed me in the beginning and back then I would've been quite content to have the answer be no.

But Jules changed the way I thought. She showed that he was a gift and made me step out of my own way to accept him. She took the choice into her own hands so that I didn't make the wrong one. Now, I think I'd be absolutely crushed to learn that he's not mine. Even worse than Ann denying me a child in the first place, is for her to dangle the possibility in front of me without any intention of ever letting me have it.

I shake my head, annoyed with the fact that I've sat back and let other people dictate my life. I should've been more assertive when it came to dealing with Ann and I should've told Jules that there was no way I was leaving her, but it's too late to change what's been done. And I've got ten days 'til I find out what I need to do.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia - 67 Roses

I've gone back and forth at least a thousand times and now I sit with my finger on the mouse button about to lock in the decision that could change my life. I'm so nervous but I haven't felt this excited about anything in over two months. I move the mouse to hover over the button that will confirm not only my decision, but my flight reservation. I close my eyes and click.

When I open them back up, I'm looking at a confirmation number for my flight from Logan Airport to Santa Barbara Municipal Airport. I can't believe I did it but now that I have, I've never been more sure about anything. I want—no—I need to be with him. I need to support him and let him know that I love him and whatever or whoever comes with him. I want it all.

I've just hit the print button when Joanne walks into my office and as she walks around the desk I quickly shrink the screen so she can't see what I've been doing, but I underestimate her. She reaches for the printer and takes the page off before I can stop her. She looks at it and then at me wearing a sly smile.

"Going somewhere, Julia?"

"Maybe." She reads it a little closer, then looks back at me.

"Maybe to Santa Barbara? Doesn't a certain someone live in Santa Barbara? A certain baby daddy?" Of course she would go there.

"Yes. Yes, he does." I smile shyly thinking that in less than a week, I'll be able tell him about the baby. Our baby.

"Well it's about damn time! I'm glad to see you finally pulled your head out of your ass."

"Excuse me?"

"That's right. You heard me. There's no denying that you still love him and, besides that, you're having his baby. You made him go and passed it off as protecting him when really you were only trying to protect yourself. Only with all you've ever told me about him, I've never been able to figure out what you thought you were protecting yourself from. I see it as nothing more than fear, but you had to figure it out for yourself. I'm glad you finally did."

"How long would you have let me go before whipping out your inner big sister and forcing me to see reason?" I smile and she pretends to be thinking about her answer.

"Another month maybe. Can I ask what happened to make you change your mind so suddenly?"

"I was at the doctor the other day and there was this couple. They both looked so excited to be sharing the experience of having a baby. I was jealous, but then realized that it was me that was robbing us of that. There's no reason why I can't leave, but it was the excuse I used to not go with him when he asked me. What do I have here? There's nothing tangible, only memories and I can take them anywhere I want. I want to share this with him." I look up at Joanne and it's not 'til then that I realize I'd ever looked away. Her eyes are glossed over and she looks down at my itinerary in her hand.

"So you leave Friday? Do you need a ride?"

"I'd love one."

She closes the distance between us, pulls me from my chair, and gives me the most loving hug.

"I'm proud of you, Julia." Then she steps back to look me in the eyes once more. "Looks like this place might be looking for two managing editors soon."

"Maybe. We'll see."

"Well, tell Frank I'd love to be one of them. I'd hoped it would be you and me, a power-packed wonder woman team, but—"

"But nothing! It could still be us. Who says I'm leaving forever?" Her statement makes me feel guilty because all along there was a possibility that I was going to leave and that my intentions were for her to serve as my replacement.

"If you have Derick back and a chance for your happily ever after, why ever would you want to come back here? That's it! You know what? I'm officially firing you from making your own choices in regards to your love life and happiness because you make bad ones!" We both start to laugh.

"I do huh? Well my bad choices are made with good intentions."

"Yeah, but at some point they have to be good for you too." She shakes the itinerary in front of me. "Congratulations for making your second good choice this year." Second?

"What was the first?"

"Becoming my friend." I hug her so tight because she has it all wrong, she became my friend when I needed her the most, but she was more than that.

"Thank you for being a sister to me," I say without breaking the hug. And if it were even possible she hugs me tighter. "You're going to squeeze the baby out, Aunt Joanne." She releases me and steps back to look at me, a hint of surprise in her eyes.

"It's Aunt Jo. And I'm going to spoil the shit out of this kid no matter what coast she's raised on!"

"She? Your bet is that it's a girl?"

"Yup." She's very confident.

"Okay," I nod. I haven't really given thought as to what gender the baby would be. It didn't and it still doesn't matter, but now that I'm finally taking the steps to make sure that Derick and I welcome this baby together, I can't help but envision a perfect little boy with his blue eyes looking up at me. "We'll see. Right now, back to work. We need to plan out next week, any questions you have, any issues you foresee; this is your first big test. Oh, and I need to tell Frank." My positive energy falters for a moment. "That's going to be a little weird."

"He'll understand. He wants you to be happy, Julia."

I nod but don't verbally respond. Things have been okay between us but there hasn't been any mention of Derick, the baby, or his admissions of his feelings for me. Well, there's no more avoiding the topic because I'm making a choice that affects us all. One that finally makes me happy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Later that afternoon, I go to see Frank. Once I confirm with Ashley that his schedule is clear for a while, I approach the door and knock softly.

"Come in," he says from the other side.

I open the door and walk in and the look on his face quickly shows an odd combination of joy and melancholy. He's as hurt by my presence as he is happy about it. Usually I walk in with complete confidence and make it appear that it being his office means little to me, but today I walk in a bit timid and his reaction does little to change that. I close the door and sit where I always sit across the desk from him.

"Frank—"

"Julia, stop. I need to say something before you say whatever it is you're about to." Okay "I'm not sorry about what I said to you at dinner. It took a lot for me to admit what I'd been carrying inside for a long time. I want you to know that I'm not upset with your reaction, in fact, I'm so sorry if I made you feel that I was. I was disappointed and hurt, who wouldn't be when you lay your heart out and... well it doesn't matter anyway. I knew you still loved him. I've felt the difference between us here and I don't like it. Until I brought Derick on, it was just the two of us for a long time and we were a great team. It's no one's fault but my own because I let my personal feelings interfere with business and I'm sorry for that."

"Frank, no. You were honest with me and at one point I might have reciprocated your feelings—"

"Before Derick," he interrupts, with a statement, not a question.

"Yes."

"So as your friend I have one very important question for you." I just stare at him and he sees it in my eyes, the fear of what that question might be. "Why aren't you with him now?"

It's the question of my life. The question I've asked myself hundreds of times and the one that the only two people who really know me ask.

"I once thought I had good answers to that question, but I've realized lately that I never did. That's actually why I'm here. I'm leaving for Santa Barbara Friday morning. Joanne is ready and willing to take over. I can't say how long I'll be or when I'll return. I just know that if I don't go, I'll regret it for the rest of my life."

He just looks at me for a moment, as if analyzing me and finally the corners of his mouth lift in a modest smile.

"He's one lucky man to have the love of a woman like you. Take as long as you need. I'll call Joanne in and offer her the position as soon as I get the paperwork together."

I stand and walk to the other side of the desk and give Frank a hug, feeling that any oddness between us is gone. He hugs me back and when I back up from him, I see the Frank who's been there for me all these years. My oldest and closest friend.

Julia - 69 Roses

IT'S TWO DAYS 'TIL I leave and I've decided to tell Liz about my surprise visit. As it is, I don't have any addresses and though I'm sure I could dig up something, all I know for sure is that he's in Santa Barbara. I pick up my phone and pull up the last text she sent me, then begin my message.

Me: I'm coming to Santa Barbara

No hello first—no good morning or afternoon. I cut right to the chase. Because of the three-hour advantage I have, it's late morning there and I figure her response will be prompt. It is, but it's not by text. My phone begins to ring and Liz's name flashes on the screen.

"Hello."

"Julia! I just spilt coffee all over myself, dear. You're coming here? Does Derick know?"

"No. I'm hoping to surprise him."

"That you will! What made you change your mind? You know I love you, Julia, but I have to ask. I can't watch his heart get broken again." Her question is valid but she leaves me no time to answer before she follows it up with a warning. No doubt she's worried that I'll get scared and run again. I'll give her the truth but only a part of it. Derick will be the first to know the rest.

"I love him and I don't want to live without him any longer. I'm sorry it took me so long to see. I'm so sorry I hurt everyone."

"He really needs you right now, Julia. Between losing you and the fight over Connor, he's... he just really needs you."

"I need him too. I'll be there Friday afternoon. I just need an address and I'll take a cab."

"Nonsense! I'll pick you up." I didn't expect she'd allow me to take a cab.

"Okay. I'll send you the information, but please, don't tell Derick."

"I won't. Witnessing the look on his face when he sees your beautiful face will be worth the wait." She pauses before saying, "None of us ever stopped loving you, Julia, most of all Derick. His only plan since he got here was to find his way to get back to you, but he knew he had to do what you asked of him first." Her words make me want to cry. Seeing it for the first time as he must have; it's as if I put him to some test to prove himself to me. Now that I've opened my eyes, I see how terrible I was.

"I never stopped loving him and I have a lot to apologize for." With that, we disconnect and now that Liz knows of my plan, there's no turning back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick - 70 Roses

The hearing is tomorrow and there's absolutely nothing that's going to hold my attention effectively enough tonight. I've all but finished the project that Evan gave me and if I never showed up to work again, he'd have very little to do. I doubt I'll sleep a wink tonight and I feel the need to release some of this pent up stress I have before I'll even try.

I've never been one to worry so much but my anxiety is so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Too many thoughts are rolling around in my head. If he is mine, what's next? And although you might think it would simplify everything, what if he's not? I haven't seen him in three weeks. Will he even remember me?

I don't want to go home and sit there dwelling on what tomorrow may bring. I just want to unwind for a while. I drive by an old hangout. Its neon Open sign catches my eye and I think maybe it's the place to steal my attention for a while. As I pull into the parking lot I seem to remember that an old friend of mine used to bartend here. Right now a trip down memory lane that doesn't include Ann would be nice. She's the entire reason behind all my angst.

When I walk into the place, it's as if I'm teleported to a time in my life where everything was so simple and there's only one other person sitting at the other end of the bar. Michael. Immediately, I want to walk out, but lately I have too many people making my decisions for me and I'm tired of it. I came here for a drink and to unwind and that's what I intend to do.

I take a seat at the other end of the bar farthest from where he is and refrain from making eye contact by not looking his way at all. When the bartender comes over, it's not the old friend I expected, which is fine, and I order a brandy on the rocks, which earns me an arguable look. On the rocks isn't a favored way to drink brandy, but it's how I enjoy it and right now I'm not looking for anyone to tell me how to do anything.

I'm not two sips into my drink when I hear his voice and without looking, I can tell he's getting closer.

"You're ruining your brandy." Fucker.

"Yeah, well you're ruining my mood and it sucked to start with, so you got yourself an unwarranted head start."

He sits two bar stools away, careful to leave some space between us. Smart move but personally I thought the space we had was sufficient. Apparently he didn't.

"I heard you were back in town." Does he really think I want to talk to him?

"Yup. That's pretty obvious because here I sit, ruining good brandy." I hold up the glass for show then bring it to my lips. When my stress is high, my smartass game is on point. But the next words out of his mouth are nowhere near what I expected.

"I loved her, Derick. I would've never done that to you if I didn't. I don't know when it happened or how, but it did and now having lost both of you it seems none of it was worth it at all. I know it doesn't mean much but I'm sorry."

"You're right about one thing, it doesn't mean much. As a matter of fact, now it means nothing because I don't care about any of it." I keep my eyes on my drink to avoid contact with him.

"Then why are you here?"

"Like you don't know." Finally, I look up at him and it's plain to see that he doesn't know why I'm back in Santa Barbara. "I'm here for my son, the one that wasn't yours."

His face changes and there's a sign of recollection quickly followed by confusion.

"But why? He's not yours either." I'm going to beat his ass!

"What do you mean, he's not mine? How would you fucking know that? After all, I was married to her while you two were nothing more than fuck buddies." Instantly there's a fire in my chest and it's not from the brandy.

"I meant just what I said. He's not your son." He better start explaining and if, at any moment, I think this is a fucking joke, I swear I'll kill him. He sees the fire and proceeds with caution. "I saw the results of your test."

"And how exactly did you see the results of my test?" I ask through clenched teeth.

"Ever since the kid was born it's like she's lost her mind. One day we're celebrating his birth, the next she's telling me that I ruined her life and she never wants to see me again and that I wasn't his father. But I loved her and, even if that was true, I was willing to raise him as my own. Her behavior became more erratic and I thought maybe she was on something or was suffering from postpartum depression. I was worried. Anyway, one day I went to the house while she wasn't home to snoop around. It was my luck that she never changed the locks. I let myself in and it wasn't long before I saw the paper lying on the table in the hall and I got curious. It was the results to your test. It said, clear as day, zero percent."

"This can't be." I shake my head in disbelief. He's not my son? Russ hinted to this possibility but now that I'm hearing it from someone else, I just can't bring myself to believe it. Believing it would mean that I left everything behind; that I left Jules for nothing. He can't be right.

"Are you absolutely certain?" My mind is reeling with what he's told me. I can't decipher whether or not he's telling me the truth, though I suppose he has no reason to lie now.

"I may have fucked you over before, but, Derick, I wouldn't lie about this now."

"But why would she do this?"

"I don't know, Derick. I've been asking the same thing since she told me he wasn't mine either. I was there when he was born. Held him, rocked him, changed him, and then I find out that he's not mine. I screwed you over and I can never apologize enough to you for that. My only defense is that I did love her. I loved her right up until the very moment she ripped my heart out by telling me that Connor wasn't my son."

"She told me you got tested and that it was negative before she sought me out to do the same."

"We did get tested. I insisted on it and surprisingly, she went along with it. But when the results came in and she showed me that he wasn't—"

"Wait! She showed you the results? You never got your own?" This all sounds too familiar.

"Yeah. Some mess up at the lab and my results went to her address." That lying bitch!

"You need to call Russ." I think I know how this story is going to end.

"Why would I call him?"

"Look, I'll never understand why you betrayed me, but if what you just told me is true and that she lied to me in the most fucked up possible way, there's a chance that she lied to you too." He looks at me questioningly. "Call it coincidence, but my results mistakenly got delivered to her too. My hearing is tomorrow and if they confirm what you just told me, there's every chance that Connor is your son." The possibility lights up his face.

"Why would you want to help me after what I did to you?"

"I'm not helping you. I'm helping Connor. Ann has gone too far this time. That little boy deserves better, even if it's not me." He makes himself a little more comfortable and takes a sip from his glass.

"How did we get here? Both nearly ruined by the same person that we once loved so much?"

"I have no idea. I definitely never thought I'd be sitting at a bar having a drink with you ever again. But here we are."

"What can I say? She, who fucked us both, is the reason we're sitting here having a drink together." Though his words are true, both literally and figuratively, I just glare at him, and he adds to his statement. "No pun intended."

"Thanks."

"Derick, I want you to know that if it turns out tomorrow that he is yours, I'll be happy for you. You've always been the guy that I thought would make a great father. I always hoped that one day you'd get that chance."

"Setting aside all bullshit, I'd be happy for you too."

"Thanks, man."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sleep is not my friend tonight as I've been lying here for hours staring at either the ceiling or out the window. Ginger knows there's something bothering me and, though she's easily able to doze off, she wakes often to check on me. All the possible scenarios of tomorrow that I've been able to fend off with work have chosen now to clutter my mind and with each, the possible outcome.

If Connor is mine, the fight has just begun and could drag on for months because I know Ann will never give him up willingly. I'll have to stay here in California and, in the end, I may never be able to leave. I'd be at the mercy of the legal system. If he's not mine, which I can't even imagine, I'm free. Free to go back to the life and the woman that I left behind.

Of course the latter sounds more appealing but, once again, it will mean that I had within my grasp something I can't keep. I wanted it all, I was working towards having it all, and just like that... no, I'm not going to think that way. To lose Connor would break my heart, but I'll choose to see the silver lining; if I don't have him, I still have Jules. I'll again and forever have the only woman that's truly belonged to me in exchange for the son that never did.

Julia - 70 Roses

I WAS UP LATE last night packing because, how do you pack for a trip when you're not sure of the duration? I settled with fitting as much as I could into a carry-on sized suitcase so that I wouldn't have to bother with checking any bags. Anything that I forgot or need while I'm there, I can buy.

Because Joanne has moved back into her apartment, she'll be here around ten thirty to pick me up and take me to the airport. I told her it was fine for her to stay here while I'm gone and I figured both her and Rhyse would like that, but she declined. I didn't ask any questions but I get the impression that their relationship is a strange combination of intense and casual. Mr. Carter may have met his match with this one. There's really no need to have anyone here anyway, there's nothing to take care of. I don't even have live plants; just a bucket of roses, seventy to be exact, of which most of them are dead, with the exception of the newest to my collection. Seventy-one will arrive later today, but by that time I'll be on my way to see him instead.

As the time for Joanne to arrive closes in, I become more nervous but also more excited. I can't wait to hold him and kiss his lips which I can still imagine on my mouth and body as if the last time were yesterday. I can't wait to see the look on his face when I tell him that he's going to be a father to our child. But most of all, I can't wait to tell him that anywhere he is, is where I'm meant to be. I'm nothing without his love.

Just the thought that I'll be able to see him in the next twelve hours has me smiling so enormously that I'm almost embarrassed even though I'm alone. I shake my head and laugh at myself when I think of it. I have things to do other than stand here grinning like an idiot. I need to make sure I have my identification and boarding pass and I wanted to check the mail, since I haven't in a couple of days.

It's been so long since I've traveled that I'm finding myself going in circles for the tenth time, checking plugs and such. There is nothing more to do, so I grab my mailbox key and head down to the main floor to do my mail check and to let the doorman know that I will be gone for at least a few days.

I only ever check the mail once a week because there's never anything exciting. Most of it ends up in the recycle bin and the remainder is usually bills. I'm surprised to see that there's a manila envelope among this week's postal bounty. Great! Maybe it's something exciting to pass the time 'til Joanne gets here.

With the mail in hand, I walk over to give my message to the doorman and he in return wishes me a good trip. Then I retrace my steps to return upstairs. I stop and look at the elevator for a moment and consider giving myself a break, but given that this is my last trip up for an undisclosed period of time, I take in a deep breath and start up the stairs.

I start sifting through the mail as I walk, quickly shuffling unimportant things to the back of the stack. Finally, about the time I hit the third floor, I get to the envelope. It has no return address on the front, so I flip it over to see that there isn't one on the back either. I tear at the seam as I walk, 'til I've made a big enough opening to slip my finger in to slide it along and finish the job. Then I reach in with my hand to grab its contents.

I continue to walk up the stairs I've walked thousands of times without paying attention. I've just passed the fifth floor when I pull out what's inside the envelope and look to see what it is. On the top is a handwritten note on a torn piece of paper that says, He'll never be yours. When I move the note to see what's beneath it, it's a picture of Derick and Ann. In a bed. Kissing.

My blood pressure rises at what I've just seen and I start to see spots. I'm disoriented and I lose my footing on the next step. I stumble and then feel myself starting to fall, so I grab for the railing, dropping everything in my hands as I flail to grab hold of anything to stop my descent. But my attempts are useless and I go down. My first and only instinct is to protect the baby, so I clutch both my arms to my stomach and I allow myself to fall knowing more damage could be done if try to stop it instead of bracing myself for it.

It's only twelve steps but it seems to take forever to come to a stop and when I do, my head smacks against the floor with all the power of my body's momentum. For a second I know I'm facing up only because I see the glow of the light fixture, but I can't actually make out the fixture itself. Then... it all goes black.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

I'm woken by a sudden feeling of panic. I look around the room and all is as calm as I left it when I drifted off. But there's a digging in my chest telling me something is just not right and I have no clue what that something is. Ginger stirs next to me, but dismisses my behavior and snuggles back into the blanket. I don't even remember falling asleep but I'm sure I didn't dream when I did sleep. This isn't the result of a bad dream. But I'll be damned if I know what is making me feel this way.

It has to be this hearing today and the possibility of what Michael said yesterday that's shaking me up. The whole thing just has me so confused that I don't even know what it is that I want anymore. What do I want to hear today? I don't even know. I just want to get it over and done with so that I can figure it out. I get out of bed and already I can feel the effect of last night's lack of sleep. It's a good thing that Russ is actually doing all the work today, because it's my feeling that I may be completely useless.

I'm still trying to shake off the panic that woke me when I walk into my kitchen to put the coffee on. As I scoop the grounds into the basket my head goes groggy and for a second I'm dizzy. I grab the edge of the counter to steady myself and take deep breaths until I feel my focus coming back. Maybe I'm getting sick, or maybe all this is making me sick. Hell, I don't know. I abandon my coffee to take a shower, hoping the steam can clear my head.

I get out of the shower and pick out a suit proper for the events of the day, then decide that I'll stop and get coffee on the way to Russ' office. A couple of espresso shots should do the deed. Russ and I made plans to drive together to the courthouse so that we could go right back to his office to do whatever paperwork needed to be done to start the next process for custody. After last night, I'm not as sure as I once was that the process will even be necessary, but we'll stick to the plan and if Michael hasn't already tried to get hold of Russ I'll mention it, if needed, after the hearing.

By the time I finally make it to Russ' office, I've got at least a hundred and eighty-five milligrams of caffeine coursing through my veins but my mind is still unfocused. I could climb a freaking mountain in record speed but I can't shake the cloud that's in my head. I hope this disappears when the judge reads the results. Either way it goes, at least I'll have an answer. Right now I'll settle for that alone.

Before we leave, Russ gives me a simple outline of what to expect at the hearing.

"In all actuality it shouldn't take long. All the judge is going to do is read the results, address your request to establish paternity, and make an order. The order is all we need to make our next move."

"Will Ann be there?"

"If she is, it'll be as a spectator. Her presence is not required."

"Good, because I don't want to deal with her today."

"You okay, buddy? You don't seem yourself."

"I didn't sleep well last night and woke up feeling like something is off. I'm hoping that as soon as this is over today, I can get back to normal. No more wondering if he's mine."

"This whole time you've been solid on the fact that he's yours. It was never if, just when. What happened?"

"I ran into Michael last night. He has reason to believe that I'm not Connor's father. Now, I have reason to believe that I'm not either; that maybe Connor's his." I'm not going to tell him everything that Michael told me because in a couple of hours none of that may matter. "I told him to call you."

"Well if it turns out he's not yours I just might take Michael's case for free just so I can nail her ass to the ground. If that bitch gave you a fake test, that's beyond fucked up."

"I know. My head's all messed up. A week ago I was so sure and now... I just don't know what I feel. If he's not mine my life is instantly simplified and I can go back to Jules, but then I lose the son I always wanted."

"Let's just see what happens first. You're making yourself crazy. We'll head on over now and in an hour we'll either have all the answers or more questions."

"Right."

Julia

OUCH. THERE'S PAIN, SO much pain. I can't open my eyes and I can't move. My baby! I can't tell exactly where the pain is coming from because it's everywhere. Help me. Please, someone help me. Don't let my baby die.

I hear steps. They're coming closer. Then I hear my name.

"Julia! Oh my God, Julia!" It's Joanne! I try but I can't answer her. Help me Joanne. Help the baby.

When I hear her speak again it's not to me, but she's frantic and is almost yelling to whomever it is.

"I need an ambulance! My friend fell down a flight of stairs. She's bleeding and she's pregnant!" She's getting help. Everything's going to be okay. She's going to save us. She's going to save the baby.

The pain begins to die way and so does my consciousness.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

When the hearing that precedes ours is over, the doors open and the people involved and the spectators file out. Some show signs of happiness, others anger, and the remaining appear to have no reaction at all. I can only imagine that's the group of people I'll fall into at the end of mine.

Russ says to wait for the reading of the test results, but the more I think about it the more I realize that I know what the outcome will be. I think back to the beginning when she first told me about Connor. I felt no connection to him and I knew then that it wasn't right. I couldn't shake the feeling that he wasn't mine and it didn't go away 'til I came back here and made him part of my everyday life. Now, I don't think that feeling went away on its own, I think I pushed it away because I thought he was all I had left.

The bailiff makes the announcement for the next case to enter the courtroom and Russ and I enter. Russ directs me to the front and we file into the counsels' seating to the right. We've been sitting there a few minutes when I hear my mother's voice coming up behind me. I told her that she didn't need to come today but she insisted, stating that she had nowhere better to be 'til four-thirty. She approaches me and leaning as far as she can over the partition she brings me into a hug.

"It's going to be fine honey. Everything is going to be just fine." Her emphasis on the word everything catches my attention and I feel that she knows something I don't.

The three of us are the only people in the room when the bailiff calls the hearing to order and introduces the honorable Judge Morgan. As the judge makes her entrance I can also hear the door behind me open as someone else enters the room. I glance back to see Ann. Why does she have to be here when she already knows what is to be revealed and her role in it all getting this far? She takes a seat in the last row close to the door. No doubt she'll want to escape quickly and without having to be confronted by me once her lies have been revealed. Fuck her! She wants to witness the moment when I lose him and I'm sure this is all part of her perfectly revised plan after it didn't go the way she had hoped. If I didn't have so much more to lose I can't say there's a limit on the pain I would cause her in return for all this, but I do have too much to lose, so much more.

The judge settles in and starts shuffling through the papers in front of her and I hear the door behind me again. I turn to see who it is figuring that anyone that needs to be here already is, but I'm wrong. Michael walks in and quietly sits just a couple of rows behind my mother. Michael and I are nowhere near okay, but this will affect him and I'm glad that he's here.

My focus is pulled back to the front when Judge Morgan starts to speak.

"I see here that we are here to establish parentage for Connor Ray Edmunds?" Russ stands and states our case.

"Yes, your Honor. My client Derick Edmunds believes he is the father of Connor Edmunds. He and Connor, with signed permission of the mother, Ann Edmunds, submitted for paternity testing in the state of Massachusetts. I issued a subpoena for those results and had them delivered to the court."

"Yes. I have them right here. Did you not receive your results, Mr. Edmunds?" I stand to answer her question.

"Your honor, I did."

"Your counsel should have informed you of the option to sign the affidavit which would've easily established the same rights."

"Yes, your Honor, he did. There lies some controversy in the manner of which I received my results. He suggested a more legal approach to clear any confusion." She looks at me through narrow eyes.

"Where there is confusion in a matter so important, I think Mr. Bowman's suggestion is very smart. Are you ready, Mr. Edmunds, to hear the results?" Knowing that my life is about to drastically change for the fourth time in a year and a half, I find my voice and answer her question.

"Yes, your Honor. I am."

With a nod she begins to open the envelope which I know has the only piece of information this hearing is staged to provide. My heart starts to beat faster and my palms to twitch. She reads over it silently and then looks up at me with sympathy in her eyes and it's then that I know for absolute certain what she's going to say.

"Derick Edmunds, in the question of paternity regarding Connor Ray Edmunds, the DNA test results conclude that there is a zero percent chance that he is your son." I hear a gasp from my mother and the door from the rear of the room. When I turn to see who has either entered or exited the room, I notice that Ann is gone. The judge starts to speak again and my attention is brought back to her. "I'm sorry if those were not the words you hoped to hear, Mr. Edmunds, but there is no longer any confusion. Do you have any questions?" I don't have any questions that she'd be able to answer.

"No, your Honor. Thank you." She nods and lifts her gavel.

"Very well then. In the case of Derick Edmunds' petition to establish parentage of Connor Ray Edmunds, the court hereby finds that you are not the biological father and will enter that finding into record." And with those words the gavel meets its base with a loud crack.

Russ turns to me and I can tell that he doesn't know what to say. I told you so doesn't sound the same coming from a grown man and I know he knows what this meant to me. My mother reaches for me and hugs me close to her.

"I'm so sorry, Derick. But it'll be okay. I promise." Again, her positivity makes me feel like she knows something she's not telling me, but maybe it's something I'm not meant to understand just yet.

"I know it will."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Russ offers to take me out for lunch and a drink, but I decline telling him that I'll catch a ride with my mom to get my car.

"Don't wait 'til your next legal issue to give me a call, Derick. Are you going to stay here in California for a while?" I'm not stuck here anymore. I can leave just as quickly as I came, meaning, I can be back to Jules in a few days. Just the thought of her brings back the panic I felt this morning. I need to get back to her as soon as possible.

"Probably not. In fact, I doubt I'll make it to the weekend. I've got my girl back in Boston and I've already been gone too long."

"I understand. Good luck." He extends his hand for a handshake but pulls me in for a hug.

Exiting the courtroom, Michael is still in his seat. As Russ and I walk by I stop to talk to him because I know why he's still here and what my negative results mean for him.

"Michael, you're going to need this guy right here," I say, while motioning to Russ. "This time he's out for blood. It's payback time."

"Thank you, Derick." It's all he says because words between us are still not easy. I extend my hand because it's all I can really offer him right now. Michael being Connor's father means that the affair between Ann and him was going on long before I found out and that betrayal may take more than one night at a bar to mend.

"Good luck. Take care of him." He nods and I walk away.

Once out in the car with my mother, I take out my phone and power it on. I need to call Jules. I need to tell her I'm coming back as soon as I can.

As soon as I hit her name on the screen my mother must notice what I'm doing and her demeanor changes.

"Who are you calling, Derick honey?"

"Jules. I want to let her know what happened and that I'm coming back." Her voice mail picks up after the first ring. That's odd, it's about two there. Is this the sort of thing I want to say over a voice mail? No, but if I just hang up and she sees that I called and didn't leave a message, she's going to worry. I think quick of what to say before her voice is gone and I hear the beep. "Jules, it's me. I hoped I'd catch you, but for now I just want to say that soon everything will be right again. I'll call you later. I love you." I hang up.

"She didn't answer?"

"No. I'll try again in a while."

"I'm sure there's a perfectly good reason why she didn't answer. She's probably very busy." My mother is acting weird.

"Actually, I think her phone is off, but it's the middle of the day." With that her weirdness over this conversation rises at least three levels.

"Oh well, maybe she's somewhere where she can't have it on." She says as she focuses on the road. She knows something.

"What's going on? All the comments this morning about everything will be okay soon and now you're acting weird about why Jules isn't answering her phone. What do you know that I don't?"

"Don't be silly, Derick. What could I possibly know?"

"You've talked to her haven't you? Is she okay? Mom, please."

"She's fine. Look, I promised I wouldn't tell."

"Tell what?"

"She's on a plane, Derick, and I'm picking her up today, okay? She's on a plane, flying here and that's why she can't answer her phone." Cracked like a nut.

"When?" I can't help the excitement I'm getting from my mother's poorly kept secret.

"She's supposed to land a few minutes after five."

"And her surprise will be met with another when I'm the one who shows up to get her."

Derick

ALL OF THE MORNING'S events have been forgotten when my mother tells me that Jules is coming here today. All I can think about is holding her, kissing her, making love to her, and irrevocably promising that nothing will ever come between us again. From this day forward absolutely nothing is more important than her. She is my forever.

Unfortunately, I still feel as though something is off and that Jules is, somehow, not okay but I shake it off and allow the joy of her visit to push the notion to the back of my mind. In just a few hours I'll see with my own two eyes that she's as perfect as she's always been and that what I was sensing was most likely brought on by my own insecurities and guilt. In less than three hours this prince will have his princess back.

Three hours isn't much time at all, but when you're excited for what's to come, it seems like forever. I use the time to start making a list of things I need to do in preparation for the move back to Boston. I don't know how long Jules plans on staying here but when she leaves, I'm going too. I'm never leaving her side again.

My first call is to my realtor in Boston to see what can be done about the loft and then to my landlord here to tell him I'll be gone by the end of the month. At some point I also need to call Frank to see if my job is still available and to ask if he'll take me back. I can't say I'm so sure he will and his reasons, although more personal than business, make sense. I hurt someone he cares about and if I were him, I don't think I'd be so quick to set up the possibility of it happening again either. It's okay though. Whatever happens, I will deal with it and make it work.

I've managed to kill enough time and decide to leave a little early because there's something I need to stop and pick up. I can't go and pick up the love of my life without roses in hand, although she doesn't know I'm picking her up at all. The big question is how many to get. There are so many things I want them to mean. Three for I love her, six for I've missed her, fifteen for I'm sorry, or twenty-four for the hours in a day, every day since I left, that she's been on my mind? Or do I keep it simple and get her one single rose and tell her the rest of those things myself, with words?

I decide on one rose because she deserves more after all this time. She deserves to hear me say every word and I want so much to say each word carefully and clearly because I mean them more than I've meant any I've ever spoken in my entire life.

After stopping to get her rose I go on to the airport. Santa Barbara's airport is pretty simple in comparison to Logan Airport in Boston. There're only twenty or so flights either arriving or departing every day. From the gates there's pretty much only two ways out either by way of an escalator or an elevator. Knowing my Jules, she's not going to take the elevator so that means I'll be waiting at the bottom of the escalator to sweep her off her feet.

I park and walk into the main terminal and check the arrival boards for her flight status. It shows on time which means she'll be landing in about ten minutes. I pace back and forth waiting for the minutes to pass then, after what seems like way more than ten, I check the monitor again to see that the flight status has changed to landed.

In just moments she'll be in front of me, my princess. I stand there as moments go by and so many people come down the escalator, but not my Jules. After the large crowd of people thins out, I begin to think that maybe I just missed her and start to walk towards the baggage claim area to find the carousel for her flight. I weave through the waiting passengers and look closely at each one thinking that maybe she's changed since I left. I receive a lot of odd looks but not one is from the face I seek.

That panic I felt earlier starts to creep back in and I try to think. Call her. Maybe she's turned her phone back on. I dial and wait and I get her voice mail. The room is starting to spin but I have to get my bearings. She's here, I just have to find her.

I go to the courtesy phone and ask them to page her and wait as I hear her name spoken over the speaker. Minutes go by and the person on the other end of the phone tells me that no one responded and offers her apology. Desperate, I go to the ticketing counter to see if I can find out if she was even on the plane. Of course I get the person who appears to love her job the most. I'm not greeted with a smile and don't attempt to give one back because I'm just not in that kind of mood.

"Ma'am, I need to know if someone was on a flight. I'm here to pick her up and can't find her." With the attitude I expected, our exchange starts.

"Did you try to call her, sir?"

"Yes and she hasn't turned her phone on yet. Could you please just look?"

"I can't do that, sir. Airline policy. Sorry. Have a nice day."

"Please. Her name is Julia Morreau. M-O-R-R-E-A-U. I just need to know if she boarded. Nothing else."

I get that look of someone who wants to tell me to stop wasting her time, which she does say, but not in so many words.

"I told you, sir. I. Can't."

Frustrated, I ignore her words and break down in front of her.

"Look, this woman is the most important person in my life and I haven't been able to shake the feeling all day that something is wrong. I lost the boy I thought was my son today and seeing her is the only thing that's kept me going. Please. Just tell me if she was on the flight. I won't ask for anything else." Her demeanor changes a little and she starts typing. I've made her pity me, but right now I don't care.

"Mrs. Morreau never boarded, sir, and before you ask me if I'm sure, yes I'm sure. I'm sorry, sir." The absence of her attitude didn't last long, but long enough to get the answer I needed. She's not here. She never left Boston.

Julia

I HEAR BEEPS. BEEP, beep, beep. I still can't open my eyes but the pain has lessened. All I can hear is beep, beep, beep, and voices I don't know. I fight to open my eyes so I can see what's going on around me. I want to speak but that too feels impossible. I just hear the beep, beep, beep.

I'm alive, but what about my baby? I start to panic and the beeps get faster and faster and then the voices louder and closer. I try so hard but I can't make out what they're saying. Then the beeps slow down and I stop trying to figure out what's going on. Then, I fade away.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

After stepping away from the counter I take out my phone not knowing who I should call first, my mother or Frank. I know my mother knows nothing more than I do at this point, so I dial Frank's cell number. I don't have time right now to dial the office and get the run around. I need to talk to him now. I'd planned to talk to him about my job but, unfortunately, the nature of my call has taken an unexpected turn. So when he answers, I waste no time with cordial salutations.

"Frank, it's Derick. Where is Julia? Is she okay?"

"Derick, she's in the hospital. There's been an accident." My heart nearly falls from my chest. I knew something was wrong. All day I felt it and I ignored it because I wasn't able to pinpoint what it was.

"Which hospital?"

"Massachusetts General. It's not good, Derick." It almost sounds like he's going to cry.

"I'm on the next plane out." Having no time to waste, I hang up and go back up to the airline counter and it's just my luck that I'd get the same girl from minutes ago and she looks at me with the same distaste.

"How can I help you this time, sir?"

"I need the next flight to Boston."

"I have one that leaves in an hour."

"I'll take it." I hand her my driver's license and credit card.

After typing in my information and asking for my seat preference she hands me back my credit card and ID, then my boarding pass.

"Your flight is departing from gate five and will begin boarding in twenty-five minutes. I hope everything's okay, Mr. Edmunds."

I have no idea why she's decided to be nice all of a sudden but she reminds me of the waitress in the restaurant Jules and I went to just a couple of days before Christmas. Jules understood that not everybody has reasons to be happy and instead of putting the girl down, she left words of encouragement. I see that now is my chance to follow in the footsteps of the woman I need desperately to get to.

"Whatever it is, it'll get better. I'm not talking about me right now. Just smile a little more and smiles will come back at you. Thank you for all your help."

"Have a good flight, Mr. Edmunds," she smiles. In light of all the things going through my mind, I can't help but smile back. I then step away and make my way towards the escalator and to my gate.

Frank's words echo in my mind and my heart feels heavy with the guilt of not being there for her. I have no clue what happened or if there was anything I could've done to stop it, but I should've been there to try. I have to make it there and make sure she doesn't leave me. I'm finally making my way back to her, I can't lose her now—not this way.

I call my mother to fill her in on what's happened and what I know, which is next to nothing, and tell her that I'm waiting for my flight to Boston. She agrees that I need to get there as soon as I can and says that she'll go pick up Ginger and take her to her house until I return.

"Give Julia our love, Son."

"I will as well as every ounce I have as long as she stays with me."

When they make the boarding call I'm one of the first to board. Partly because I'm in first-class, but more because I need to feel like I'm making progress; like I'm getting closer to being where I need to be. When the stewardess asks me if I want anything to drink, I order a brandy on the rocks. With a little more than seven hours of flight time and layover ahead, I need a little something to take the edge off. I need to be rested and ready to focus every bit of strength I have on Jules.

After the layover in San Francisco and another brandy, I somehow manage to doze off. Probably a direct result of the combination of events from the day that has my mind so overloaded that I can hardly think straight. Surprisingly, I don't dream either and I'm startled by the loud ding of the seatbelt sign being activated and the announcement of our approach into Logan Airport.

Seeing that I'm awake, the stewardess offers me a cup of Dunkin coffee and I gladly accept. I look at my watch and accounting for the time change, I see it's just after five a.m. I'm glad I slept because I have a feeling that I'm in for a long day.

When it's time to exit the plane, I'm up and off without hesitation. I have somewhere I need to be and needn't take any longer than necessary to get there. As I'm making my way through the airport I'm contemplating whether to take the train or a cab. I decide on the cab because at this time on a Saturday the roads should be pretty clear and the train stops will do nothing but irritate me.

The whole way there I'm praying that I'm not too late. The words, it's not good, playing in my mind. She needs my strength and with every second I'm getting closer to being able to give it to her. I'll give her every ounce that I have because there's no use in me having any at all if I don't have her.

I exit the cab and upon entering the hospital look for an information counter to get her room number. I'm greeted by an older woman who probably volunteers her time and her smile is one of the friendliest and most welcoming I've ever seen. I spell out Jules' name and she types it into the computer.

"She's in Blake 12 Intensive Care Unit." She points to the left and I see the sign showing me where I need to go.

I thank her and start in that direction. The farther I walk and the closer I get to her, the more my nerves grow as I realize I'm unsure of what I'm about to see. I'm trying not to focus on Frank's words, instead I keep my mind on just seeing her again. Of course, in a hospital with unknown injuries was not where I envisioned our reunion happening.

When I finally find my way to the counter at Blake 12, I give Jules' name and the nurse gives me the room number. It's not a huge floor so finding room seventy-two isn't difficult but when I get to the door and see her last name written on the board by the door it all becomes real.

The door isn't closed all the way but not open far enough for me to see her, so I gently push it open and walk in, returning the door to its previous state. She's lying there with a bandage around her head, IVs in her arms and there are so many different monitors that I can't decipher what each one is for. Amidst all the sounds each machine makes, she's sleeping soundly and has not been stirred by my entry.

I go to her side and look down at her. I missed looking at her so much; seeing her beautiful face. Dammit! I never should have left her. If I hadn't, maybe she wouldn't be here now. I pull over the chair so that I can sit close to her then I pick up her hand and squeeze it in mine.

"Jules, I'm here and this time I'm not going anywhere." I hold back my tears because I don't even know if she can hear me but if she can and she opens her eyes to see me, I don't want her to see me crying. The beeping sound coming from one of the machines she's hooked up to starts going faster and faster. My heart follows suit because I don't know what's happening.

A nurse comes into the room and goes directly to the machine, checking its reading and pushing buttons, then turns to Jules and sees me sitting there. She doesn't acknowledge me right away but continues her work, injecting something into her IV, and in less than a minute Jules' heart rate slows. I just keep holding her hand because I don't know what else to do. Once satisfied that Jules is okay, the nurse turns to me.

"You have some effect on her. That's a good sign. I assume you're close?"

"I was... I mean, I am her fiancé." I corrected myself for fear that I may be asked to leave if I'm not family. Fiancé is close enough to family. That earns me a scrutinizing look and I feel like I need to say more to prove that I'm telling the truth. "I was away and came back as soon as I heard. How is she? Is she going to be okay?"

"She should recover. She took a nasty hit to the head which caused some bleeding and shock. She's in a coma-like state but she's breathing on her own. The doctor thinks she'll have a full recovery. She's strong and so is the baby. They're both going to come out of this just fine. You're a lucky man."

I'm trying to wrap my head around what she's just said. Baby? I can't act like I didn't know because then she'd call my bluff, so I go along with it.

"Never luckier than in this moment."

When the nurse leaves the room, I just sit there processing what I've just learned. Jules is pregnant and she didn't tell me. She told me she couldn't have children. Was that why she was coming to see me? We've been apart for more than two and a half months but there is not one doubt in my mind that it's mine. Not one.

I haven't let go of her hand since I got here and I won't 'til she's awake. She needs me more than ever. They both need me. I hesitate for a moment but with my other hand, I bring it to rest over her belly. Through all the blankets it's hard to tell the difference, but I can feel that her stomach is not as flat as it was when I left and it's then that the thought that I almost lost them both brings tears to my eyes. It doesn't matter that I didn't know about the baby because I would have known eventually. The fact is, I left them. Did she know she was pregnant when she made me go? I really hope that she didn't.

I don't hold the tears any longer. I let them flow while I hold her hand and touch the place where my child, our child, holds on to life. I cry for the fact that I left her while she carried my child and I cry for all the time I lost. I cry and I plead for them to return to me.

"Jules you can't leave me. I won't let you go, not without a fight. It's not just you anymore. It's us, all three of us. There's no way I could go on without you." I kiss her hand, and rest my head where my lips meet her skin, then I pray that she hears all the words I've said.

I doze off and I'm jolted awake up by the feeling of my phone vibrating in my pocket. Never letting go of her hand, I retrieve my phone and see that it's my mother calling. I feel guilty and selfish, but I can't talk to her now. I don't know enough and don't have the energy to explain what I've learned. I let it go to voice mail. Among other things that have to be dealt with, I'm going to leave the explanations for later.

Derick

IN THE TWELVE OR more hours I've been here, there has been no change. Like the princess in sleeping beauty, she lies peacefully with no signs of waking up. It's silly really, but looking at her I can't help but think that if I kissed her, would she wake up? After all, she is my princess and although I've done a shitty job of it lately, I'm her prince.

The nurse stops in a few times to check all the machines, and every time she tells me I should take a walk to stretch my legs and get something to eat, but I refuse. I won't ever leave her again. If I hadn't gone in the first place, maybe this wouldn't have happened. I would've been here to protect her and maybe she wouldn't be fighting for hers and our child's life.

During one of the nurse's visits, I ask what all the monitors are for. It was mostly to distract her from trying to get me to leave, but there are so many and I'm genuinely curious as to what they all do. She points to each one and tells me its purpose but I become particularly intrigued when she gets to the last one.

"This one is tracking your baby's heart and monitoring contractions." My baby's heart? I'm sure that Jules has heard it before and I can't help but think that maybe if she heard it now, it might help her come out of this. I think I need to hear it too.

"Can I hear it? Is it possible?"

"Sure," she says with a smile and presses a couple of buttons and turns a dial until I can hear the swishing thump of our baby's heart. It's strong and quick. I have no idea how it's supposed to sound like but if I had to guess, it's perfect.

"Is it good?"

"It's very good." I listen in awe to the beat of our baby's heart.

"Do you hear that Jules? That's our baby. She's just fine. Now it's your turn."

Through the night I doze on and off, never letting go of her hand for any longer than I have to. I will be the first she sees when she wakes up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sunday, I finally give in to going for a walk to get a cup of coffee. Nurse's order. She said she'd have me kicked out if I didn't take a break. With the consequences clearly stated, I told her I'd go but not before giving her my cell number and demanding that I be called if anything at all changed. She agreed to my terms and I conceded to her order. I got my coffee, stretched my legs, and used the time to call my mother and give her an update.

Coming back to the room after about half an hour, I see Jules has other visitors. Joanne, who I know from Miljone, and a man I've never seen. I don't hesitate to enter the room, but when I'm noticed by Joanne, I'm not prepared to be met by a woman with fury emanating from every part of her being and it's all focused at me. She approaches and comes face to face with me.

"What the fuck are you doing here? You fucking did this to her! I told her to go to you and this is what you do!" I have no idea what she's talking about.

"Joanne! I have no idea what this is about! Why would you think I could cause this?"

"She saw the pictures, Derick! And I saw the pictures when I found her barely holding onto life in the stairwell."

"What pictures? I don't understand."

"Pictures of you and some blonde. Don't play dumb with me. Do you know how she waited? Every day, collecting and counting your roses. She never let go of you. She was on her way to see you because she loved you and thought you loved her too." She shakes her head. "You need to leave."

"Look, I have no clue what you're talking about. I do love her. That's why I'm here. She's carrying my child and no matter what you think, that's a fact. I've sat back for too long letting other people tell me what to do and I'm done! I am exactly where I belong and I will be 'til she wakes up. Thanks for being her friend, but this is not up for discussion. I'm not leaving. Are we clear?"

She looks back at me with detest and is not willing to step down just yet. She grabs her purse and shoves something at me. I take the papers and rearrange them so that I can see what she's talking about. They're photos of Ann and me, in her bed. My memory takes only milliseconds to recognize the setting.

"Not that I feel the need to explain anything to you, but I can. Believe it or not, my ex-wife, in some ridiculous attempt to get me back, drugged me. I woke up the next morning with no recollection of what happened and I can only imagine that she had taken these then. Who sent them? Do you have the envelope?"

"Yes." She reaches into her purse again, then hands the envelope to me. I know as soon as I see the handwriting. It's Ann's.

"Ann sent this." I say pointing at the handwriting of the addressee knowingly. "Truth is, I can't say that nothing happened with her because I don't know, but I can say that never, for one second, was it ever my intention for this," I point to the photo, "to happen. I didn't go back to rekindle anything with Ann. I went to take care of the boy I thought was my son. I swear, I counted every day 'til I could come back to her," I point to Jules, "and no one else." What I'm not saying aloud is that if Jules and my baby don't make it, I'll kill Ann myself for what she's done.

Joanne just stares at me for a moment, then she retreats and falls into the arms of the man who was never more than a step away behind her.

"I believe you. I don't know why, but I do."

"I would never—"

"I know, Derick," she interrupts by putting her hand up to quiet me. "I think Julia knows that too. So, you obviously know about..."

"The baby? I do. Jules is going to make it out of this. She has to. Not for me, but for our child. There's no way she'll let this one go without a fight." Joanne gives me a look knowing that Jules has told me about all she's already lost and nods in agreement to what I've said.

Joanne turns away from me and goes to Jules' side. She kisses her on her forehead and whispers something that I can't hear into her ear. Then she grabs the hand of the man I've yet to be introduced to and moves towards the door.

"No one else knows about the pictures. I believe you, Derick, but I'm not the one you have to convince and beg for forgiveness. If I were you, I'd start begging now and hope to God that she can hear you." I nod at her suggestion because I know she's right.

Joanne leaves with the stranger and I'm again alone and ready to beg, plead, and sign away my soul if it means Jules can hear what I say. I resume my spot beside her bed, one hand taking hold of hers and the other placed over her slightly swollen belly.

"My mind never, for one second, thought of anything but coming back to you. All this time I'd been planning and I wanted to bring Connor with me, so we could be a family, but destiny had a different plan. Connor isn't my son. He never was. Ann was playing a game to either get me back or to get back at me, I have no clue for what, but she used that little boy. Jules, I can't tell you those photos were faked, because I don't remember one moment of that night. But I never wanted her for one second. I only ever wanted you."

Not knowing what else I can say, I just sit there, as I have for many hours, with my lips on her hand and my other hand protectively covering our child. Only a few moments have passed when I feel her squeeze my hand. It's weak but she's definitely squeezing my hand, there's no question.

When she releases, I squeeze hers back just a little and within seconds I feel her squeezing mine again. We have communication. She knows I'm here and I call the nurse to tell her what's happening. She comes and checks the readings on the many machines and jots down her findings, then turns to me and smiles.

"I'll let the doctor know. It looks like you were just what she needed. Soul mates tend to have that effect on each other." She smiles at me and winks as she tries to leave the room, but I stop her.

"Don't think you're going to blackmail me again into leaving. I'm here 'til she wakes up. Got it?" She just laughs at me.

"Got it." And she leaves the room.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I just keep talking to Jules; telling her everything that's happened over the time we've been apart. I know I may have to say it all again later but every few minutes I give her hand a squeeze to see if she's still with me and to see if I get one back. Without fail, I get one back every time. It's still weak but better than nothing.

When the doctor comes to check on her, he validates what I'm experiencing and his prognosis is that she could wake fully any day. He tells me that there's a lot of power in love and to keep letting her know just how much she has waiting for her. I can definitely do that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It's been two days since our squeezing game began. She's still responsive but hasn't actually awakened. Not yet. I keep talking to her and I read to her from an app on my phone to pass the time. It's as I'm reading that, out of the corner of my eye, I see her move. At first, I think I've imagined it, but it happens again and then she tries to speak.

"D?" It's faint but identifiable. I set my phone down and move closer, squeezing her hand and holding the pressure steady. "D?"

"Jules, I'm here, baby."

"Baby?" she whispers.

"The baby's okay. She's strong like you."

"She?" I laugh with tears in my eyes because she's comprehending everything I'm saying to her and, in true Jules fashion, questioning everything as well.

"I don't actually know if it's a girl, sweetie. It just came out. But I don't care whether it's a son or a daughter as long as it has your green eyes." Jules hasn't actually opened her eyes yet, but her eyelids twitch as though she's trying. Now that I've mentioned it, I find myself longing to look into the green eyes I've just spoken of. But her next question reminds me that not only are her green eyes one of her most beautiful physical characteristics, but a name someone once gave her.

"Henry?"

"I know and I'm so sorry, Jules. I should've came home then. I know you miss him." She starts to whimper. "But I'm here now and I'm never leaving again."

Derick

OVER THE NEXT TWENTY-FOUR hours our conversations consist of very few words and she still doesn't open her eyes. Oh how I long to see those eyes. She asks about the baby every time she becomes conscious and I assure her that everything is okay. I repeat some of the things I told her before she regained consciousness and most of her responses are "I know," indicating that she heard all that I said. She's slowly but surely coming back to me and it's as we're talking one night that my prayers are finally answered.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Julia

Though I'm still shrouded in darkness because opening my eyes seems impossible, I'm glad to have my mind back. It's slow, but it's there. I hear everything Derick says to me and respond the best I can. I want to tell him that I know he never meant to hurt me, but I want to be able to look in his eyes when I do.

It's while we're talking late this evening that I really try to open my eyes, willing mind over matter to make it happen. But after days of no exposure to light, as soon as a sliver of it is seen, it's just too much. Derick sees my struggle and reaches over to turn off the light over my bed so that the only light in the room is coming from the other side and it's dimmed. Once we're emerged in near darkness I try again, blinking repeatedly to adjust and gain focus.

When I finally get it, I turn to look at him. He's blurry at first but starts to come into better focus with every blink. He should probably call the nurses to tell them that I'm fully awake but he doesn't and I'm glad. I want this moment with him as much as he wants it with me. Nothing can take this from me, not without my consent.

Slowly I lift my hand to his face, rubbing the days of growth that have resulted in a short beard.

"You look sexy with a beard." He laughs. Of all the things I could say to him, I tell him I think his unshaved face is sexy. Though my mind is still a little slow, he picks right up and plays along.

"Yeah? Well, I kind of dig those sexy PJ's you have that're open in the back. Do you think they come in red? Red is your sexy color." I try to laugh, but then I can't keep the tears from welling up in my eyes. He sees them immediately. "What's wrong, baby? Everything's going to be okay now. Please don't cry."

"I'm so sorry."

"For what? You have nothing to apologize for."

"I made you leave. I didn't tell you about the baby. I was coming to you."

"I know. Mom told me. I was waiting at the airport for you and when you didn't show up, I caught the next flight here." He was waiting for me.

"I couldn't make you choose between us. I came to my senses and decided that you didn't have to. I have no one left here. I was going to you and we would get through it together."

"We did get through it together. You were always there. In here," he points to his head, "and in here." He takes my hand, the one he's been holding for days, and places it on his heart.

"You were always in my heart too. Always on my mind. Your roses every day reminded me. I knew you still loved me." He smiles but quickly goes serious.

"Jules, about the photos—"

"Don't. You already explained. I heard you talking to me. I've been in and out, but I've had days to process it. I believe you. You don't have to say anymore."

"I do have one more thing to say." I look at him with wonder. "I love you, Julia Morreau."

"I love you, Derick Edmunds."

He stands and bends over me and touches his lips to mine. Just like the first time we touched, there are sparks. I missed his touch so much and though he's being gentle with me, it's perfect. He pulls back to look into my eyes.

"As selfish as I want to be with you, we should probably let the doctors in on your surprise."

"One more kiss first? Please." He won't deny me.

"I thought you'd never ask."

As his lips touch mine again, other parts of me start to come alive. I can't help but want to feel him touching me. I want him to re-mark every piece of my skin with his. It's been too long and as soon as it's possible I need him to satisfy the emptiness that has existed since the night I said goodbye.

When he pulls away from my lips he stops for a second and places a quick peck on my nose.

"I missed that nose and everything else attached to it."

"I missed you too."

"I'm going to go tell the nurses that you're awake. Don't go anywhere."

"I won't." I'm so happy to be awake and alive. But I'm happier that my baby is okay and that I have Derick by my side. Everything that was put into motion months ago has finally found its way back to us but with certain twists and turns, it stands to offer us much more than we ever expected. While Derick's out of the room, I close my eyes to rest for a moment. I do it trepidatiously for fear that they won't open again, but as soon as I hear Derick and the nurse enter the room my fear is laid to rest.

"Well hello there, Julia." I recognize her voice. She's been my nurse a few times now.

"Nina?" I think that's right. She looks at me surprised.

"How did you know that?" she asks.

"Your voice. I remember it. I've heard Derick say your name."

"Very good. How do you feel?"

"Stiff. A little pain in my head but not too bad."

"That's good. I'll let the doctor know and he'll be in shortly." She writes down notes and numbers from the many machines and leaves the room.

I notice Derick typing on his phone and not two seconds later it chimes.

"Who's that?"

"My mom. I haven't talked to her much in the last few days. I was letting her know that you're awake and beautiful as ever."

"Right. Especially with this fancy headpiece here." I softly touch my head.

"Fancy headpiece or not, I think it's the pregnant glow they talk about, now that you have some color back in your cheeks."

"Do you think it's a girl? You said she a lot when you talked about the baby."

"What do you think it is?" Of course he answers my question with a question.

"I don't know, but if I had to guess, I think it's a girl too. After what's she's already been through, she's going to be a badass girl." We both laugh.

"She's going to be the most perfect precious rose I've ever given you."

"Is that your choice of name?" I won't tell him yet, but I love it.

"One little Rose. There's no denying it'll be love at first sight."

"True. I'd be perfectly okay if she was the last rose you ever give me."

"Definitely not! She won't be the last. So if it's a girl, her name will be Rose?"

"Yes. I think it's suitable, don't you?"

"I do." He pulls down my blanket and leans over so that he's right over my belly and then he kisses it softly. "I love you and our little Rose so much. Right now, I'm the luckiest man ever."

"Luck has nothing to do with it. We were brought together by destiny and kept together by angels." He looks up at me knowing exactly which angels I speak of, all four of them, my family and Henry.

Julia - 80 Roses

DR. DOUGLAS KEPT ME in the hospital a few more days for monitoring. My head is healing nicely and every day it seems to be less painful. The doctor says that sometimes when you suffer a trauma your body will go into a preservation mode which can take on the characteristics of a coma. It's likely that because of my pregnancy, my body knew it needed to heal quickly and didn't want me fighting it.

Derick, finally satisfied that I'm awake and okay, left the hospital to shower and change clothes, which meant shopping since he showed up totally empty handed. The doctor officially signed my release form this morning after my obstetrician came to visit me and said everything with the baby was just fine. Dr. Stewart did an ultrasound and Derick got to see our little rosebud for the first time.

It was almost more amazing to see the look on his face as he watched the screen than it was to watch it for myself. Derick asked if there was any way to see the sex yet, he's very set that it's a little girl, and Dr. Stewart told him that we were about a month too early for that. He frowned in disappointment for a second but went right back to watching the screen and his face immediately lit up again.

I suggested he call a cab to take us home, but in his over protectiveness, he revealed that he brought my car back with him the other day so that he could drive us home. I can just imagine how the rest of this pregnancy is going to go. I'll be lucky to do anything on my own, but then again, that's the beauty of being with someone; you don't have to do anything on your own.

When we get home I can tell Joanne had been there because there's a pile of roses on the table instead of in front of the door and a note that says,

You're up to eighty this morning. Does this guy ever stop? (Hi, Derick) I stocked your fridge with the essentials including a bucket of butter pecan in the freezer. I'll be by later. Love ya, Sis. P.S. NO STAIRS!

Derick's reading over my shoulder and when I laugh at the end, he doesn't find it as funny. I'm not sure if it was the crack about the roses or the stairs that got him, but I just turn and plant a kiss on his cheek and he snaps out of it.

"I'm going in to talk to Frank tomorrow. I'm hoping he'll give me my job back." Uh oh. I don't know if Frank offered it to Joanne yet. No worries, I have an idea.

"I want you to know that, when I planned to go to Santa Barbara to see you, I was open to the possibility of never coming back here. If you have to be there for your boy—" Shit, I remember just now what he told me about the hearing. "I'm sorry." He pulls me closer and kisses my head.

"It's okay. It wasn't meant to be. And I don't want to move back there. That is my old life, this is my life now. With this little one," he touches my stomach, "we'll be taking trips there all the time to visit. I want to stay here, where it all began for us."

"Okay."

He turns me to face him. "We have one more thing to discuss. I didn't have time to make it all romantic and I don't even have the ring with me, but this time I'm not asking if you will, because I never believed we were over. I'm asking when. I want to marry you as soon as possible. I can't wait any longer. There are no more secrets to tear us apart and I want you to be my wife before Rose is born." I can't help the tears. I'm hormonal and the happiest I've ever been, which in girl code, brings on tears.

"I don't want to wait any longer to make you my husband. Name the date."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Derick

When she says name the date, I do a quick calculation in my head. Resorting to my old MO, I have a plan.

"May thirtieth." It's a Friday, but I couldn't care less because there's a motive behind my plan.

"Okay, but I want something small, Derick. Frank, Joanne, and your family. A ceremony and dinner. Simple okay?"

"I've got this. All you have to do is show up."

"My dress won't fit anymore."

"Then get a new one."

"You have an answer for everything don't you?"

"I do." I lean in and kiss her and though I'm careful not to cause her head any discomfort, this kiss is not as soft and tender as they have been the last few days. This kiss is hungry and will lead to more. She's not stopping me and she's not backing away, that's my cue that she wants and needs this as much as I do.

When I move my hand to find her breast, she moans into my mouth and I'm instantly hard.

"I won't last long," I say without leaving her mouth.

"Neither will I." And she moves us in the direction of the bedroom.

The rest of the day is spent reclaiming each other's bodies. I'm careful not to hurt her, but she doesn't seem to be in any pain at all. I'm lost in tasting her and touching her; learning what this pregnancy has done to her senses and how it intensifies everything. Knowing that it feels so amazing for her makes it even more amazing for me. We just want more and more until both of us fall exhausted and then Jules declares that the baby is hungry, so I go to the kitchen to get us a snack, but also to bring her rose for the day. Carrying it and a plate of fresh fruit back to the bedroom I think, the only thing that can possibly make any of this more perfect would be to call her my wife and that day is only nineteen roses away.

Julia - 98 Roses

I'M AWAKENED WITH A kiss on my belly followed by one on my nose, both delivered by the man that, in a few hours, will be my husband. He's glowing with what this day means for us and seeing him this way has my heart bursting with more joy than I could've ever imagined.

He still hasn't given me any details about where the ceremony will be, but promises that I'll approve and that he kept it small, as I asked. I really don't care what he's done because preparing all of this has made him so happy. If he's happy, I'm happy.

"What can I fix you for breakfast, baby?" he says speaking into my belly that has grown a little more in the last couple of weeks.

"Are you asking me or the rosebud? I would settle for toast with jelly and my mint tea, but this one," I say pointing to my belly, "wants hash-browns and eggs."

"Hash-browns and eggs it is," he says bouncing off the bed.

"Hey! So that's how it is now? She's not even here yet and already you're spoiling her?"

"Ha!" he laughs. "I sure am, but I've come to notice that whenever you say she wants something, it's really what you want and I'll give you whatever you want, especially on your wedding day."

"Have I made it that obvious? Hiding my secret desires behind the baby?"

"You have, but I think it's cute. I'll spoil you both for the rest of your lives. Your wish is my command."

"Tell me where the wedding is."

"Nope. Anything but that." He pops back onto the bed to kiss me, then he's off to the kitchen.

"What time is it at? I kind of need to know that!" I yell so that he hears me from the kitchen as I crawl out of the bed and walk down the hall wrapped in a sheet.

"High noon." he answers with a hungry grin on his face as he appreciates my ensemble.

"Thanks for the notice. Noon is less than four hours away!"

"About two hundred and thirty-three minutes to be exact. Why don't you hop in the shower while I'm cooking before I change my mind and start eating you." I turn and start back towards the bedroom.

"You're impossible."

"You're gorgeous." God I've missed this and only now that I have it back, can I truly appreciate these moments.

"You're forgiven."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

When I emerge from the shower, I notice the bedroom door is closed and I hear voices. I listen for a minute and recognizing them, I grab my robe and go out to greet them.

I barely make it down the hall before I'm wrapped in Liz's arms. She squeezes me so tight that I almost can't breathe but I don't complain. I've missed her so much.

Right behind her is Carrie and as soon as Liz lets me go I'm engulfed in her arms. When all the hugs are done, Derick, who has been grinning from ear to ear the whole time, speaks up from the kitchen.

"Breakfast is ready girls and I need to go. Dad's waiting downstairs." I notice he's thrown on some sweats.

"Where are you going?" I ask totally lost.

"Part of the surprise. Mom and Carrie know the plan and are here to help you get ready. I'll see you there. High noon." He kisses me and as he's walking out the door, stops to pick up a gym bag. "Love you."

"Love you too." He's having too much fun with this and that makes it all okay.

The girls and I eat the breakfast he made and I get bombarded with questions about the baby. How I've been feeling, when exactly I'm due, if we have names picked out, and the biggest one, how it happened. In the beginning, I told Derick it couldn't happen, so I had to fess up to my little lie, but because Derick had told them about my past, they understood.

They went on to help me with my hair and getting dressed, then at eleven thirty, Carrie's phone chimes with a message.

"Okay, girls. It's time to go. Julia, you look stunning," Carrie says and Liz agrees with a nod and a tearful smile.

"I feel like a princess. Thank you both so much."

"You're family already, but let's go make it official, Julia. Are you ready, dear?" Liz asks.

"Let's go find my prince."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Carrie is driving and maneuvers down Exeter Street, then makes a left on Boylston Street. She's clearly been coached on where to go and is doing very well in Boston traffic. We don't go far though and she pulls into a parking spot near the main Boylston Street entrance to Public Garden.

"We're here. Derick said that you'd know where to go from here," Carrie says, and she's right.

"I know right where to go."

We exit the car and start walking into the park, following the path that will take me to my prince. No sooner than I can see my bench, I see my golden furred friend, Ginger, running towards me and just past her I see my prince waiting. I want to run to him, but don't want anything to ruin this day. I keep it slow and steady and as I approach him I see everything I'll ever need again in the man waiting for me.

Derick

WITHOUT ANY COAXING AT all, as soon as Ginger sees Jules she takes off towards her. I stand there marveling at the sight of this woman that, in mere moments, will be my wife. As she gets closer her smile gets bigger and her eyes more green with the tears that fill them. She comes to stop in front of me and I extend my hand to take hers.

"You found me," I say smiling at her.

"As soon as Carrie stopped, I knew where you'd be."

Everyone gathers around us. The guest list was kept to those she mentioned with the exception of the stranger with Joanne, who has now been formally introduced to me as Jules' neighbor, Rhyse, and a minister I hired to conduct the ceremony.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes." She smiles and it's the most beautiful sight in the world.

I nod to the minister and he asks everyone to take their places. Joanne falls in next to Jules as well as Carrie and I have Tim and Frank next to me. My parents stand close by and Rhyse has volunteered to take photos.

I hear the minister as he speaks but I'm so centered on Jules and the moment when I get to say my vows and take her as my wife.

"Derick, please recite your vows to Julia." Here goes. I reach around to Tim for the rose he's been holding and turn back to Jules.

"Jules. In such a short time, we've been through so much, but it's time to put all of that behind us. When I went back to California, I wanted to keep a way of communication between us that was special in our relationship all along. I sent you one rose every day; do you remember what one rose means?" She nods. "I hadn't given up yet. You were still my one and only and I wanted you to know that I would never give up on us because we are meant to be together.

"I knew you'd keep them all and going through all the meanings of the number of roses, I realized that eventually, with them, I'd be able say everything that needed to be said. I love you, I miss you, I'm sorry, and for the time being I felt it was okay to say it that way, but I vowed that there was one thing I would say to you myself. I've said the words before and their power has definitely been tested. This rose is number ninety-nine." I hand it to her and she looks down at it and back up at me.

"What does it mean?" she asks.

"Ninety-nine roses means, forever. I never stopped wanting to spend my forever with you, Jules, because you're it for me. This rose is a symbol of a promise. I'm promising you forever, Jules. I love you."

"I love you."

"Julia, have you written any vows?" the minister asks her.

"Not really, but I do have something to say." He nods for her to go ahead. "Derick. Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I thought since I'd already had my chance once before that it was selfish to try to keep you. I thought I was doing what was best for you, and it turns out it wasn't what was best for either of us. We needed each other and because of me, we've both struggled alone. I want you to know that I collected and counted each rose and, you're right, I kept every one. They marked my days and reminded me that you hadn't given up. I just want to say that I'm so sorry it took me so long to be strong enough to go to you. I'm sorry for every weakness. I'm sorry for every secret. I want to spend my forever with you. I love you so much." Her tears have spilt over and I reach over to wipe them away with my thumb.

The minister, seeing that our vows are completed, moves on. "Do you have the rings?" he asks.

"Yes," we say together.

"Derick. Do you take Julia Renee Morreau as your wife? To love, honor, and cherish, in sickness and in health, for the rest of your lives?"

"I do," I say, never breaking contact with her eyes. I respond without any hesitation and I slip my grandmother's ring onto her finger. It's now hers until she passes it down again.

"Julia. Do you take Derick Allen Edmunds as your husband? To love, honor, and cherish, in sickness and in health, for the rest of your lives?"

"I do." She was nodding her head before he had even finished the question with her glossed over green eyes completely focused on mine. She places the ring she chose for me on my finger and smiles once it's in place.

"Then it is within the power, vested in me by the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, to declare you husband and wife. Derick, you may kiss your bride."

I take her face in my hands a press my lips to hers. She pulls me close as if she's afraid to let go and kisses me back. Everyone is clapping behind us but in this moment it's just the two of us. We don't care that people are watching but in the middle of our kiss Jules jumps and releases my lips.

"What is it, babe? What's wrong?" My words are laced with concern.

She smiles and takes my hand then places it on the side of her belly and after a few seconds, I feel it. A tiny thump from our little rosebud.

"Was that?" She nods then presses her smiling lips to mine again.

In this moment, I finally have everything I've ever wanted.

Julia - Seven months later

OF COURSE DERICK WENT back to Miljone and Frank gave him his position back after I told him I was stepping down. I expected my pregnancy to be hard, but came through with no issues at all and delivered Rose Delavie Edmunds on October ninth. Until then I continued to consult for Miljone, but after Rose was born, I quit completely to stay home with her. I've just started my own editing business working mostly with independent authors and I absolutely love it. It means I never have to leave my little girl, but I also get to keep doing what I love.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Are you ready Jules?" Derick calls from downstairs.

"Almost!"

It's Christmas Eve and I'm bundling up our little Rose as warm as I can for our outing. Today we're going to introduce her to four very important people. She's so little at eleven weeks old and I fuss over her way too much. Derick and I both agree we're going to be those crazy overprotective parents and we're both okay with that.

Finally, happy that she'll be warm enough for a few minutes outside, I pick her up and head downstairs. Derick has already started the car and has her bag ready as well as this year's ornaments for the kids and the poinsettia for Alex. I check my pocket once more for the key that Henry left me and we're on our way.

The drive is a little longer since we moved to Wellesley. We bought the house just before Rose was born. Ginger needed a yard and one day Rose will too. It was time to leave the place where I couldn't imagine raising a family because I have a family again. I sold the condo for three times what I paid for it, which put us in a good position even after buying the house. Derick teases that it was my birthday present since we actually got the keys on my birthday. It's nice not to have to worry about parking anymore and Derick's commute to work isn't horrible with Wellesley Square Station so close, plus it gave me the opportunity to start my new venture.

Derick's learned his way around and how to drive more like a Bostonian. Coming from California, he was in for rude awakenings but he's getting it down. When we finally make it to the cemetery, Rose is fast asleep. Derick grabs the bags and I get her then we walk to the gate. Looking to make sure no one is in sight, I insert the key into the gate lock and it works.

"Thank you, Henry," I whisper into the air and we enter without any trouble.

First, we go to see Alex and the kids. I know that with having Rose out here that we can't stay long but it's important to me to make these introductions. Derick and I walk to the plots and I do the honors.

"Merry Christmas, Toby, Katie, and Alex. You already know Derick, but I have someone new to introduce to you. Katie and Toby, this is Rose, your little sister. I wish you were here to know her, but I promise that she'll always feel like she knows you because I'll tell her all I can about you. Please watch over her, be her angels now." I hate that I feel little guilty that she's here and they are not. But she will never replace them, never. It was never about replacing, but growing and living.

"This year, I got you ornaments that say, Big Brother for you, Toby, and Big Sister for you, Katie. I can't wait to share everything I can with her so that she knows how wonderful you both were."

I look to the place where Alex rests between them. "Alex, I miss you so much, but Derick takes good care of me. I continue to be spoiled and loved; a standard you set very high. I'm okay now. I still don't pretend to understand why, even after all this time, but I think I have found my purpose." I look down at Rose, who is sleeping, and then up at Derick.

I do what has become tradition and place a kiss with my hand on each of the three stones and before I leave them, I whisper, "You're always with me. Right here." I place my hand over my heart.

We make our way to Henry and, as he said he would be, I find him next to his love, Emily.

"Rose, this is your uncle Henry. He promised me that everything would work out and it did. For that and his friendship, I will always be indebted. You were right, Henry, love did prevail. You're a wise man." I get close enough so that I can leave a kiss on the left side of his stone, then I grab Derick's hand and we turn to leave. Once again, it's just the three of us.

I stop and hand the baby to Derick, then stand back for a moment to admire them together. He has never looked more handsome than when he's holding our Rose. It's amazing to think that just over a year ago, we met as two broken people and found within us the power to mend each other. That power has given us more than I ever believed possible. Rose is a reminder that a part of us flourishes and grows because of what we've overcome. She's our little miracle, constantly blooming with love.

I've felt pain and loss and I've lived in darkness and despair. Not every day is easy, but it's easier when you have love and someone to light your way. Who says you only get one chance? Just open your heart and your chances are infinite.

The End

Completing this series has truly been a testament of what you can do when you have passion, a word that I now think is undervalued. Besides the feelings I have for my family, I've never felt all consuming passion like this before. From the very moment I started this journey, I never questioned that I would see it to its end, unlike everything else I've ever set out to do.

It all started with a night of insomnia, my mind on full speed while my body lay exhausted. My mind began to wander and it conjured up unfathomable scenarios. They wouldn't stop and sleep would not win against them, so I grabbed my iPad and attempted to write the thoughts out of my head. A couple of hours later and with tears rolling down my face, I had three chapters. The damage was done, the seed had been planted. I realized then, that this was a story I had to finish.

The characters, my friends, took over my head. I saw what the saw, I felt what the felt, I cried with them, I laughed with them. I experienced their insecurities, as well as, their need. In so many ways, I became them and they became me.

It wasn't always easy, in fact, there were moments when it seemed impossible and I considered myself crazy (which is sort of a prerequisite for writers) for even trying. But for every time I felt nearly defeated, my need to persevere grew even stronger. I spent more late nights working, did more research, and pushed myself beyond my limits. It was way too late to stop, there would be no turning back. I had to give Derick, Julia, and myself what we deserved.

I would see this through for every person who thought I couldn't as much as for all who knew I could. I would do it for the angels looking down on me, as well as, for my family who stayed supportive while my story stole their time. But most of all, I did it for me. I did it to prove that after waiting thirty-eight years to give my dream a chance, I _would_ make it come true.

It's never too late to try. It's never too late to believe in yourself. It's never too late to give into your passion.

So many have contributed to this series and of those many, there are some that may have no clue just how much. Every Facebook page like, every post share, every Twitter and Instagram follower, and every website visitor, _you_ have made a difference. Every reader and every reviewer, _you_ have made a difference. Whether we've ever had interaction or not, you have all helped me in unmeasurable ways, and for that I can't thank you enough.

Thanks to Jen from Just One More Page Book Blog and Promotions for giving me amazing advice in the beginning when I had no clue of what I was doing when it came to book promotion. She offered herself as a beta and it's easy for me to say that her insights helped to make my story better. She's just one of those people that treats everyone with kindness and since breaking into this Indie world is so hard, meeting a person like her made it a little easier. Here's to a long lasting professional and personal relationship. <https://www.facebook.com/1morepage/?fref=ts>

Daniella, my dear. I freaking love you! It didn't take long for me to realize that I needed help in the editing department, but I didn't know who to go to or if I could afford it. Lucky for me, Jen brought us together. You were the last ingredient needed to make my story flawless; you polished her up and made her shine. One day, I'm going to hug the crap out of you. And don't forget, I owe you and expensive dinner and drinks. We're going to make that happen. <http://primaeditingproofreading.weebly.com>

Barbara, my Boston expert, my beta, my Aunt Barbara. For me, who has never lived in Boston, to write about Boston, was, as you put it, a bold move. I wanted to live in Boston so bad, but had to settle for living vicariously through Julia and Derick. You can research 'til your hearts content, but there are just some things only a native can tell you. Your expertise was priceless and likely kept me from messing up a lot of information. It also gave us a special bond, starting with our love for books and ending in one beautiful story. Thank you so much for all your help.

Alizabeth, my photographer, my daughter. You are so very talented and because of that talent, I now have three beautiful covers. I hope you never lose you're your passion for taking pictures, or for taking pictures for my covers.

A special thanks to Mary W. and Elizabeth R. for playing along with my name the man-slut contest and bringing Rhyse Carter to life. I seriously think him and Joanne may need their own story, so I don't believe you've seen the last of him.

Daisy, the talent behind a logo that fits me so perfectly. I made no mistake when I sought out Mr. K for my logo design. Your youth and your innocence made working with you an amazing experience because you were insightful but kept what I wanted in mind. You have a bright future and I would love to work with you again.

Kim and Tom, for dealing with mine and Alizabeth's pickiness when it came to the photo. You hung in there and I am so proud of this beautiful cover. Thanks for the... hands.

I'm worried sick about forgetting someone so if I didn't mention you specifically, but you're reading this, it means you have been with me this whole time and journeyed with me the happy ending. What you've done by doing just that means so much and my gratitude runs deep and eternal. Without all of you, my readers, my fans, my constant supporters, I would struggle for the strength to keep going. As much for you as myself, I want to.

Thank you!

Please visit me on Facebook @ <https://www.facebook.com/maretalmiller>and

at <https://www.maretalmiller.com/>

If you enjoyed this book, please write a review @ Amazon.com, Goodreads.com, or Barnesandnoble.com.

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_Thank you for t_ _aking your time to read my work._
