-Thank you. Thank you.
So, it's been a big week for me.
My wife and I
celebrated at a restaurant.
My wife doesn't really know
how a restaurant works.
Like, I worked in restaurants.
I know the back of the house,
I know the front of the house.
I know the nuances.
[ Laughter ]
My wife has no idea.
For example, she always
flags down the busboy.
[ Laughter ]
-She's always like,
"Excuse me?"
He's like, "Yes?!"
-Oh.
[ Laughter ]
My wife doesn't know
how to talk to foreigners.
Okay?
Look at how quiet it just got.
[ Laughter ]
I said "foreigners."
Everybody's, "Hey, guy..."
[ Laughter ]
I grew up with foreigners.
My father is a foreigner.
My grandfather is a foreigner.
They do not have the complete
grasp of the English language.
So you can't talk to them
like you would talk to somebody
who knows English.
All right?
It's always fragmented.
My wife,
she's asking the busboy,
"Can I have another
Tito's and soda?"
I go, "Babe, the only 'Tito'
he knows is in the back."
[ Laughter ]
He's gonna go and say,
"Tito, they need you!"
[ Laughter ]
And he's gonna come out with
a towel over his shoulder
and a can of soda.
"Hey!"
[ Laughter ]
-My wife never knows
what she wants to eat.
She always goes, "You go first."
I said, "All right.
I'll have a New York strip
and mixed vegetables.
Back to you.
How long did you think
I was going to take?"
[ Laughter ]
And She gets it from her family.
Going out with my wife's family
is a nightmare.
All right? My wife comes
from a Jewish family.
Do we have any Jews
here tonight?
[ Cheers ]
Perfect.
You'll get this. Okay?
[ Laughter ]
I love the Jews.
The Jews are very sweet people.
All right?
My wife's Jewish.
My best friend is Jewish.
They're sweet people, all right?
I got to build them up
because now I'm gonna
rip them to shreds, right?
[ Laughter and applause ]
When we go out
with my wife's family,
Jews, generally, are unhappy...
[ Laughter ]
...when they go out
to a restaurant. Right?
For example,
when we go to the table,
I never sit down at the table.
'Cause I know
this isn't the table...
[ Laughter ]
...we're gonna be
dining at tonight.
[ Laughter ]
There's a lot of whispering
as we approach,
particularly coming out
of my mother-in-law.
[ Stammering ]
"Oh..."
There's always something wrong.
There's a draft.
There's a lot of traffic.
[ Laughter ]
The chair's screwed up.
[ Laughter ]
The chair is always screwed up.
Constantly.
Food's going back.
Food's gonna go back...
for sure.
[ Laughter ]
Like, they think
every ingredient
should be listed on the menu.
So when it comes out
and they don't --
You know, they're like,
"Huh? What?"
The hand goes up.
[ Laughter ]
She's like, "What's this?"
And the waiter's like,
"That's a little cumin."
She's like, "Well, I didn't
see that on the menu."
And I'm thinking, "I don't know.
Maybe the chef was in the back,
and he's like,
"Eh, let me give it
a little cumin."
[ Laughter ]
Maybe --
[ Laughter ]
"A little experiment tonight.
I don't know.
Just because it's not on page 2,
I can't use it?"
[ Laughter ]
Italians,
we don't send food back.
We'll talk about it.
"How is it?"
"It sucks,
but what'd you expect?
We didn't make it.
All right?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
We'll try and fix it
at the table.
"Give me the pepper and the oil.
Let me see what I could do.
Some rosemary.
There it is."
You guys are great.
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Come on, now!
That's insane.
Sebastian Maniscalco!
For more info,
visit sebastianlive.com.
