My name is Trupti
I'm a woman
‘cause I have crossed the age of being called a GIRL.
I am 35 years old.
Aww…
And I am single
Coz feminism!
Not really
Coz I can’t find a man to marry.
See, there is only one way to get married, which is
I step out of my home
Meet random men
Strictly over coffee…
Coz alcohol makes me naughty.
Yeah, on the first date you go (acts drunk)… it’s just wrong!
Can’t do that!
I met a guy last week… his name was Aadesh!
And the minute he saw me… these were his first words;
Eh Trupti…
if we get married… we'll have so much fun, na?
I’m like… what Fun will we have???
He said, "look na, I’ll come back home after a hard day at work-
Then when I ring the bell I’ll sing… open the door darling open the door!" (Marathi tv show reference)
And then you open the door and sing HOME-MINISTER"
I said, Aadesh bhauji (brother-in-law)…
This is exactly why you aren’t getting married.
So I am 35 years old. On my 35th birthday, Mrs. Joshi sent me a message…
Trupti, we are single until 35..
Then…
UNMARRIED!
It’s like the bell that rings 5 minutes before your exam gets over?
The Warning bell!
You can’t even tie your supplements!!
Aaaarrghh…
What’s my roll number???
What exam is this??? Where am I???
Done! That happened to me… Already!
Once you cross 35… it’s a grace period…
Your teacher collects everybody’s papers and reaches your desk…
That’s when you scream… Miss 5 minutes please!!!
In those 5 minutes god knows what magic you will be creating?
That you didn’t in last 35 years!
A buzz feed article runs through my mind…
10 Things to do Before You Turn 35.
And I want to tick off everything.
GO ON A SOLO TRIP… ohhhh!
I went from Mumbai to Pune in a Shivneri bus… all alone!
TICK MARK!
GO FOR AN ADVENTURE…aaah…
That very night I travelled back from Pune to Mumbai in a Shivneri… All alone…
HAVE A THREESOME… I am like wow that’s tricky.
Then I remembered I had a boyfriend…
He had a Dog…
He’d sleep with us sometimes…
My Boyfriend!
TICK MARK!
Everybody is losing it.
My father sounds like the street vendor who comes to sell vessels.
(Street vendors call) I’ve got a girl…
Aeeee....a girl for marriage!
I’m like “Dad! What’s wrong with you?”
He'll be squatting on the road, haggling like-
“You get the smaller one for this, just add another shirt to it…
I’ll give you the elder one, she’s 35!”
My uncle posted a gentle picture of me in a saree on facebook.
And wrote “Do not miss the Opportunity…
of marrying the most eligible girl…
Offer valid 'til stock lasts”
Facebook says, “We care for you and your memories…
5 months ago Uncle posted this”
To which my Uncle comments 
#MyNieceisNumber1!
You guys might be thinking that I have never had a boyfriend… I’ve had many.
But the problem is “F*#k off I don’t need you”
I could never say this!
Coz even before I find a problem in the relationship,
The boy has found a girl, to ditch me for…
Don't laugh… this is the problem of my life!
My self-respect is down there!
But now I have Tinder!
I wake up every morning and I go … LEFT…
LEFT… LEFT…
Then I take a break… 
Come back and go LEFT…LEFT!
If at all I like someone, then I swipe Right…
And it’s a match obviously, coz… Filters!
So I go and UNMATCH him!
“F*#k off I don’t need you”
That’s my time…
My name is Trupti!
