Look around.  Have you noticed all these
objects? You may not have guessed but
they're all related. Have you figured out
our topic for today? That's right.
Cake pans! Cake pans are all around us.
In fact they're one of the most abundant
naturally occurring elements in our
solar system with a veritable plethora
of uses. Let's take a closer look. One of the more obscure uses of a cake pan is for
the baking of a cake. A little-known fact
as its primary purpose is as an
industrial fuel source. There is even a
bit of debate in the scientific
community as to the ramifications of
using a cake pan for something as exotic
as baking a cake. But for the sake of
science we press on.
Before beginning the cake baking process, proper
safety measures should be followed.
Firstly, apply a sturdy pair of safety
lenses. The chemical reactions between
the raw cake pan and certain elements
can release a toxic cloud that may
irritate the eyes. You can't be too
careful! Next, a pair of simple
nanoparticle enhanced latex gloves. This
will protect against the corrosive
nature of the cake pan. It is not advised
to handle this unstable element without
proper protection. There we are. Now it's
time to meet our ingredients. While a fairly complex process, cake baking only requires 9 simple ingredients:
Now that we're all
acquainted, let's begin. Using your Cavendish selector
place 4 podroons
directly onto the cake pan. Don't stare
at them for too long as they can become
quite unstable. Once they are placed take
3 cups of the hydroflated chalk
and apply liberally to the exterior of
the podroons. This will make the next
step easier and less upsetting. Using a
Schopenhauer's fork lightly but
purposefully break apart the podroons
until fully integrated with the hydroflated chalk.
Be sure to keep the rind of the
podroons
in the mixture for increased
conductivity. Now that unpleasantness
is over, you can mix the remaining
ingredients into a pan. Be sure to do
this all at once or the mixture will
become unstable uranium. Carefully move
your mixture to a heating element. A
blast furnace would be ideal but for the
sake of this experiment a convection
oven will do just fine.
A word of warning. Under no circumstances should the
mixture be placed in a microaccelerator.
The result would be catastrophic!
After roughly 30 to 35 minutes
open the oven and remove the finished product. If all
the steps are followed correctly,
the resulting cake should be frosted and
have developed a light plastic shell for preservation.
Well done aspiring
scientist!  A fully formed cake. Looks
delicious, doesn't it? Ah but you can't
eat this one. It is only for scientific
demonstration and must be destroyed.
This concludes our experiment for today.
When you finish with the cake pan, it
is of utmost importance that it be
sterilized before putting it away. Wash
thoroughly with any household dish soap.
This will accomplish two things. Not only
will the pan be clean for the next
experiment but it will also render the
pan inert and stable for up to 5 minutes.
Only during this time can it be handled
without gloves. How remarkable. Cake pans
come in many shapes, sizes, and varieties;
nearly as many as the mind can conjure.
They truly are one of the great wonders
of the universe and their secrets will
keep us busy for centuries to come. If
you would like to conduct your own cake
baking experiment, cake pans can be found
in great abundance
at the Crete Public Library. All you need
is a valid library card. Check one out
today.
