Hi, I'm Kale. Today I wanted to talk about
living with fear and uncertainty.
In all relationships, there is some level
of unpredictability.
Everyone, regardless of relationship style,
might at some point have to face the fear
of being alone.
For monogamous couples, there are a lot of
mononormative stories that help deal with
this fear. Like love conquers all, or happily
ever after.
These stories ensure that most people can
comfortably ignore any other possible outcomes.
In non-monogamous relationships, a breakup
or change in relationship status might not
be as terrifying, since it doesn't necessarily
mean being alone.
But there are a lot of other fears that non-monogamous
people regularly face head-on.
Like the fear that someone we love and are
romantic with can love and be romantic with
another person.
That fear stems from uncertainty. Uncertainty
that they will love us the same, that they
will still want to be with us, about how things
can and will change over time.
I don't think that in relationship anarchy
there is inherently more uncertainty than
in a other relationship styles.
But I do think that we spend more time confronting
that uncertainty directly.
When we don't define our relationships, we
are not making plans about what it should look
like. We don't know what path it will take.
When people we love don't label their other
relationships, we don't know how they might
affect our lives.
When we give up control, even if it is only
an illusion of control, we are making ourselves
more vulnerable.
All of these things can bring us joy, but
they can also be really scary.
The thing is, there will always be change.
As life runs it's course, all the important
people in our life will leave, either through
change or eventually death. Sad but true.
There are no guarantees in life, and no matter
how much we wish it, no relationship is going
to last forever (whatever 'forever' is supposed
to mean).
What can we do when we are faced with high
levels of uncertainty? When we work on removing
labels and expectations and letting go of
control?
We can choose fear or courage.
If we live in fear of change, it can overshadow
all the parts that bring us happiness. Fear
will rob us of the benefits of all our hard
work.
Choosing courage sounds better, right? But
how do we do that?
If we choose courage, we acknowledge that
we don't know what will happen, but we are
willing to be vulnerable.
Here are some ways we can choose joy and courage
over fear.
Practice mindfulness, and being present. Fear
is being afraid of something that might happen,
bring your focus to what is happening right
now.
Cultivate gratitude. Be thankful for the love
that you have in your life.
Be kind to yourself. If fear sneaks up on
you, acknowledge that is a valid feeling.
You are choosing a path outside the norm,
and there will be challenges.
Embrace change. It is the one constant in
life. Don't see it as something to get past
or overcome, it is a part of the journey.
Living as a relationship anarchist requires
both vulnerability and courage. It is hard
to step outside of what society deems normal.
But it also offers a freedom that is hard
to match.
I'd love to hear about you deal with fear
and uncertainty. Post a comment, join our
Facebook group, or follow me on Twitter, all
which you'll find down below. Thanks for watching,
bye!
