

The

Journal of a

Rebel

Earth Angel

Volume 1

By

S.T. ALVYN

Published by S.T. Alvyn at Smashwords

Copyright 2014 © S.T. Alvyn. All rights reserved.

Thank you for downloading this ebook. This book remains the copyrighted property of the author, and may not be redistributed to others for commercial or non-commercial purposes. If you enjoyed this book, please encourage your friends to download their own copy from their favorite authorized retailer. Thank you for your support.

Disclaimer

This work represents the author's opinions and the information should be considered for personal entertainment purposes only. The reader is responsible for their own behavior and the contents of this book should not be considered as personal advice, guidance or a substitute for counseling.
Copyright

Foreword

A New Incarnation

# In Oz but no sign of the Wizard?

# Lightworking – an eternal vocation

Living in a Spiritual Bubble

The Path to the Purple Door

Destiny V Fate

Earth Angels – painful lessons

Reincarnation – a brave or hopeless decision?

Dark night of the Soul – A Spiritual Depression?

Surviving the Spiritual Journey

Angels v Witches

Decisions and Regrets

# The Dark Crooked Path

Ego – What is it?

Intuition V Logic

# Shamanic Darkness

The Lone Soul

Life – A balancing or juggling act?

Your Mission should you decide to accept

Hypocrisy and the Self

Private Thoughts – do they exist?

A Deeper Darker Dark Night of the Soul

# The Merging of the Realms

Spiritual Breadcrumbs

# Seeing inside the Soul

# The Rebel Angel

The Search for 'Home'

Betrayal and Trust

Claircognizance – guided knowledge

# Fearing the Doubt

Meeting Others

About the author

Extract

Acknowledgements
Foreword

How did it all start? How do I know that it's not all just in my head? Trust me I have asked myself this question many times and for many decades I have pooh poohed the notion of psychics and the supernatural, yet I am like many of us who have a curiosity into the unknown future – part of us wants to know what will happen. For many years I could sense what would happen next or an outcome; coincidences occurred frequently and I was drawn to places and people for no apparent reason. Even when other readers told me I had _gifts_ , I laughed at them and carried on with my materialistic life. I heard them, but what was I supposed to do with it? Back then there were no courses and even if there were I wouldn't have taken them.

I remember going for a reading to a partially sighted albino with a friend (the idea she was blind so she couldn't judge us from how we looked). I always wanted a reading telling me who I was going to meet and settle down with and where I was going to live. I never got that message; instead it was about my choices and where I needed to be. My friends reading talked about her love life and that was after mine, I so wished we could have swapped readings, but even then I knew it was not my destiny.

What is an Earth Angel? Well I don't really call myself that, however others do. It's a bit like Michael Landon in ' _Highway to Heaven'_ (an angel in training) there are some of us that are here to help guide others on their journey and we learn our own lessons along the way. We awaken sometimes through choice and others by a sharp nudge as in my case. To be honest I never even realized what I was doing or why, it just happened and it felt right. Once I started there was no turning back. There is no on and off switch, pause yes, but even then it is brief.

You can do an internet search for characteristic and traits to see if you are an Earth Angel, but honestly if you are, you don't tell anyone so why would the label matter? People have called me an angel, but I am far from angelic in the traditional sense. I question everything and do what feels right rather than what other may consider a more rational approach. I have rebelled against my calling for many years, only when I was forced to re-evaluate my life could I see in hindsight the obvious signs, found the books I bought and never read, stashed away items that were useful though not at the time, experiences I had, people I had met and even what subjects at school I excelled in but loathed have borne fruit.

So here is my journal before and during my awakening so far. I hope it can help others. Unlike other writers I am not airy fairy; I tell it how it is; the dilemmas and conflicts, the good and the bad, the highs and lows, light bulb moments and the depths of confusion and spell out my own spiritual conundrums that I attempt to make sense of and figure out. Not everything works out how we would like, but perhaps that is how it was meant to be? Some of the excerpts are from my blogs that I have re-written and others are dark moments when I question everything around me and light moments when things make sense! I accept there may not be any answers in this realm, but the philosophical questions remain. Its not just about magick which to me is intentional manifestation, it is a gift to help others. The power of foresight and healing has its burdens, seeing what others cannot. Yes, we make mistakes and we learn from them, but also we recognize the natural course of events must take place. Destiny will prevail; fate navigates us on our journey called 'life'.

A New Incarnation

As a child I felt and saw what I was led to believe were ghosts; as a five year old the word 'spirit' and its correct use had not yet entered my vocabulary. Ghosts were dead people who didn't know they had died and haunted where they lived. I lived in a semi-detached house called Glen Villas; it was an old Roman house divided into two that was haunted. As a family we only lived there part time and I shared a room with my precious little brother precisely 11 months and two weeks younger. I always kept the light on at bedtime as a source of comfort as the house always seemed dark. I remember watching my stamp album move from the middle of the chest of drawers onto the floor, but pulled the covers over my head and pretended it didn't happen, but I never told anyone. Those were the days when next-door neighbors walked into each other's houses and we often went around to see Angela and Colin the teenagers who occasionally were our babysitters. Colin would tell us tales of their ghostly happenings; toasters going off when no one was up and the radio switching itself on and off, scaring my brother whilst it reconfirmed what I had seen and heard. I wasn't afraid as the spirits never hurt or frightened me; they just wanted me to know they were there and they knew I could 'sense' them. I never felt comfortable in the house, I knew something not so good had happened there as we pulled the layers of wallpaper off one day in the back to reveal the bare walls etched in Roman drawings. I noted this down as a seven year old in my diary as an exciting find; even then I envisaged who had lived in my house, on that very spot all those years ago, sensing the pain and tragedy.

I knew I was different, not because of what I now know as my 'sensitivity' but because I didn't look like the majority of my schoolmates with blonde hair and blue eyes. I was bullied and I never seemed to fit in anywhere, something that remains with me to this day. That aside, others knew I was different. The friends I eventually made always held back and that said so did I, but I just wanted to fit in. Being an outsider as a teenager is a lonely life, but as an adult it remains. My father and I would watch ' _Highway to Heaven'_ with Michael Landon on Sunday afternoons as a child and I thought how amazing it would be to have angels here on earth to help and not just in heaven; if only it could be true, it was American television after all. I was brought up with the belief that my guardian angel would always be by my side protecting me, I had always felt protected and was encouraged to talk to them in my prayers. The one scene I remember when Michael Landon tells Jonathan he has to let go, as there are other people that need his help when he wants to stay and help further. At the time I thought that phrase was harsh after all angels help whenever they can I thought, but now I apply the wisdom in that phrase I watched on TV 30 years ago. I can only help people so much; to put people back on their path and give them the faith and hope to continue as there are others that need my help. Learning to let go is a difficult lesson to learn and to also know when. Back then I thought there must be some lucky people to have an earth angel to help them, never thinking or realizing I was one.

I blissfully went through life intrigued with palmistry, fortune tellers, and psychics, reading articles on astrology and past lives. I believed some of it and knew much of it had credence. I would make wishes in wishing wells that would come true; I once wished for an apple tree and asked my mother who told me it could never happen because of space and it was too time consuming to keep. I was saddened at my mother's adamant response, as she loved plants however a few months later she bought a blossom plant at a fair, which after several months bore small apples. Much to my mothers chagrin and my delight, she then decided to dispose of the plant until my father stopped her and the apple tree stayed in the family garden for over 30 years until the house was sold. All four of us were sad to say goodbye to the apple tree I had wished for that had successfully bore healthy apples that had been the basis for many delicious apple pies. That I guess was my first manifestation and it wasn't until I was in my 30s that I realized I needed to be careful for what I wished for when I began to wish for things that were lets say were more questionable. I had already begun to question things that I couldn't explain, how I knew them or why the thoughts came into my head. I declared I wanted to go to Russia for some reason when I was 13 years old. Rather than a customary challenge from my mother, she told me she loved Russian food as a teenager and that we had Russian blood and proceeded to tell me of the legend of our ancestors, how and why they escaped to Russia and that I have Russian blood. Instinctively I knew I would be atoning for my ancestors' misdemeanor; I accepted it back then as a teenager not even understanding what reincarnation was about, nor how it could happen. I hade never had even heard of the term 'karma' but had heard of the phrase 'we pay for the sins of our fathers'. Throughout my teens my dreams were prophetic, I could finish people's sentences and read their minds. It annoyed people and scared them as I learnt it was wiser to keep my own counsel and hold back. It was hard and lonely growing up not being able to say what you think and know and still is.

In Oz but no sign of the Wizard?

The Wizard of Oz maybe a classic film, but the underlying themes of the film remain pertinent to this day, with anecdotal references to everyday life from; _'there is no place like home'_ to following the yellow brick road to find your destiny.

Like Dorothy I went in search to find my path 'home'; somewhere safe and where I belonged to find there was no Wizard and the yellow brick road was not easy to get onto or to follow. I had my Ruby Red slippers (my flip flops) and along the way I befriended my 'scarecrow', 'tin man' and 'lion'. They taught me strengths and weaknesses I wasn't aware of and I hope I in turn helped them. I learnt patience, tolerance, humility and modesty. Not that I didn't have the attributes, but I had to learn different ways to deal with the challenges. Metaphorically I had the good witch showing me the light and the wicked witch creating obstacles; all showing me sides of human nature that may have escaped my attention over the years. If you have faith in yourself do not give in to fear and you will see the answers you seek and despite how good you are there will always be bad people who cannot see beyond their own needs and desires.

I maybe strong but we all need help and it is not a weakness to ask for it. Help will come in strange forms, maybe an article in the newspaper, a post on the internet, overhearing a conversation or the kindness of strangers. I didn't believe it possible, but have been proven wrong. I have been fortunate to be supported by people who I barely knew who gave me faith and supported me when times were less than bright. We also have a responsibility to help those who need it but also to allow them to find their own path; to stand up to abuse and bullying. Being a bystander and allowing it to happen allows the perpetrator to thrive and you fail yourself by allowing it to continue. Perhaps it is not your business, but it is like watching someone being attacked or murdered and standing there and not helping, knowing it is wrong.

True friendship, something less prevalent with social media shows we do need people even when they let us down. We cannot do everything alone, despite being a self-reliant person I find it difficult to ask for help, and prefer not to, but we need to know when to ask for it and when to offer it. Striking the balance is difficult, but offering cannot harm as the person can always 'think about it' or can appreciate the thought. The trick is to offer to people who will only accept help when they have to.

The flying monkeys, when the witch melts, turn and help Dorothy; again people follow others for the wrong reasons and through coercion but once freed they are able to be themselves. But do we need a Wizard (Mentor or Guide)? We feel as it is safer, someone to ask what the answers are, yet even if they guide we still decide on our ultimate actions. There are some questions only you can answer when you are honest with yourself. Often we just need to search within ourselves for the strength and answers. As Dorothy found out, she didn't need the wizard, but the thought made her reliant, dependent on a solution, whereas she had the answer all along; she just had to have faith and believe in herself. For me I was searching for a spiritual haven; looking for a place and people to create an environment that would be safe and peaceful. I was disappointed and disillusioned. I discovered what I was looking for exists wherever I make it. It is how I feel about wherever I am, not the place itself.

#  Lightworking – an eternal vocation

Accepting the call to be a lightworker is a choice we make or in my case felt it was what I had to do. Once you begin it is difficult to see things as they were. What is a lightworker? My definition is an undercover earth angel who helps, heals and guides those in need, appearing when needed and who drifts away when their task is accomplished or to help as much as possible and allow the individual to continue their journey. There are times you choose not to help, maybe because you simply have too much on and do not have the energy to help or the individual is not ready to be assisted but you are there to guide. It is important to realize we cannot help everyone, nor should we feel obliged. We too have free will in who we choose to support, those with too much negativity are the most in need and can only be helped if you are fully charged and know how to protect yourself from any negativity.

Whilst it is an eternal vocation, I am drawn to those in need, but need to balance my own path and destiny, essential to maintain ones strength and energy vibrations. Those that are helped are vulnerable and once healed can forget what you did to help them, whilst it is rewarding having saved some, it can be painful to see those who do not heed guidance or abuse the support given. I have learnt those who have been helped are not friends, but are souls that need help. In turn they will forget you and in turn you must not take it personally and be ready to help the next souls.

My recent challenge is that of souls in need abusing my help by taking advantage of my kindness, I was aware it could happen, but that is the nature of lightworking. Rather than continue, it is best to cut the chord, as they are not ready to learn the lessons needed and when they are, other means of guidance may arise or they have made their path a little longer and rockier. It is essential to ensure they do not think their behavior is acceptable; it is not for us to punish, but highlight and let go. Accept that your presence and guidance was all you could do and let go, talking to a brick wall that does not want to listen serves little purpose. Perhaps in hindsight they will look back, realize and understand.

'Do not mistake my silence or lack of action as a sign of weakness, but as recognition that the lessons needed to be learnt must be done when you see and understand them in your own time and way. I have opened the door, you choose when you walk through it'.

This side of lighworking can be frustrating, painful, sad and confusing as you ask, 'why am I here trying to help when it's not working?' or 'they don't want to know' or 'have I failed?' We provide the knowledge and guidance; all have free will to listen to the guidance. If it is ignored we can do no more, that is all we can do – we cannot be responsible for others choices. Whilst we use free will to help who we feel need it, at times there seems no choice if you are an individual's last hope. It may drain your energy and you must re-evaluate the level of help you can provide. I attempted to assist a friend who was not ready to face their demons, I had to watch them wither away on the brink of suicide, and I helped them mentally, spiritually and financially. They did not want help, but did listen. I let them go when the dark forces took hold, I ran out of energy trying to help and had to protect myself. On the other hand those grateful for help can become dependent and again the bond must be broken, we must allow those once healed to learn to support themselves and grow strong and find their own path. Spiritual dependency is ill advised, we all have different lessons to learn and that means standing alone to face our fears. Strength lies in deciding and finding ones own path asking only for guidance when the path is clouded or blocked. When the path is clear, look deep within and you will see where you need to be!

Living in a Spiritual Bubble

Many of us that opt to follow the spiritual path find ourselves in conflict; balancing the inner life with the outer life. Some encompass themselves within a bubble and surround themselves with solely the spiritual – I find that dangerous in many ways. We have incarnated in human form to learn and should accept the human limitations and not see them as frailties but as tools of how to grow. I am skeptical of those who are not willing to look outside the bubble, closing off the 'real' world and the everyday existence; occasionally it is necessary but on a permanent basis is unrealistic and I believe it hinders growth. Why? Those of us who choose the spiritual path and awaken are here not only for our own soul evolution but also to assist in the 'real' world those who are still 'asleep'. To alienate oneself from the outside world defeats the purpose of soul growth, it is survival in the real world that allows us to grow. How can others be helped when you consider their environment alien? Of course there are elements we all despise but we accept and live with but hope for change. That is humanity – learning to live with different opinions, beliefs, visions and values.

No one is better than any other and what is valuable to one may have a different value to another. Spiritual retreats and meditation allows time to focus and regain the energies depleted in everyday life in the city (I don't meditate well, but understand the relevance). Grounding and being able to balance ones life is the key to growing spiritually. Living in any bubble is never healthy and is in my eyes for those who wish to escape and deny that another existence is worth living in. Acceptance of all types of societies and ways of living is healthy and allows a broad range of views. By eliminating sectors of humanity, you exclude and deny yourself of rich experiences and also deprive yourself of growing. You not only learn about yourself, but that you can make a difference in others lives. The bubble can be a safe haven but stepping outside every now and then can bring new perspectives and sharing the bubble can be effective. Open yourself to others ideas and in return you may impact, change and help others in ways you may never know.

# The Path to the Purple Door

Doorways are symbolic of new beginnings and closing the end of an era. You have to close a chapter of your life to start a new one. To accept the lessons learnt; both good and bad requires an inner strength. Until the door is closed, another cannot be completely open. You are stronger when you close a door, opening a new one is a different kind of strength, faith and courage. A readiness of spiritual acceptance to what will happen next. You have free will to choose to open the door or to bypass it.

When you awaken spiritually you will see the purple door ready for you to open. The path toward that door can be an uncertain one, yet the door has always been there and unlocked waiting for us to open it. Perhaps you are not ready to see the door or your journey took a detour and the door was in the distance. Light guides and protects us, even when it seems dark or dim; the light is there to support you when and give you Faith. It never goes out, trust and the light will steer you in the correct direction of your destiny. Where there is light there is hope! There are times when you cannot see the light, but believe it is there, maybe a small flicker but it remains eternally. It will light the pathway to the next step of your journey, when you are ready the door will appear. Once you can see the light, it frees the mind and opens up your spirit and soul, guiding the next course to follow.

Every thought and action is amalgamated into your essence and being, without the negative, good could not exist, but co-exist to maintain a balance. Perfection is inhuman and utopic, what is perfect to one is imperfection to another. What challenges one may appear normal to another. There is no right or wrong, there are no mistakes only experiences to learn from. Certain ones will repeat until learnt and those are the ones that enable the soul to evolve. Braving the act of turning the handle not knowing what it entails requires trust and faith. Pushing the door ajar is akin to taking a huge blind leap of faith. This step is preparation, once you start, events, thoughts, messages will occur rapidly and concurrently. There is no concept of time in the Spirit world: time is infinite. As you step through the door you are awakened. The journey continues along the path where the light guides you to where you need to be and where destiny wants you to be. All paths lead to the Indigo Door, the next phase of Spiritual Awakening.

Destiny V Fate

Just what is fate or destiny? Terms we use to describe events that appear out of our control or what we accept as the inevitable. Rather than analyze what the terms means, it is a better use of energy to see how they affect our lives and what it means to us. Fate is the series of events that appear 'fatalistic' or 'meant to be', they happen to help push us on the correct path. We can alter our fate through free will, a decision to go left instead or right yields different outcomes, yet if fate prevails and right was the correct destined path, then events will generate that outcome at some point. Some of us will recognize what our destiny is, some may not like it and push it aside. Others may feel the timing is not right. It is happening more as materialism governs our everyday existence. It exists, but if we choose not to accept and follow then I feel fate will intervene and create the circumstances whereby you either have no choice but to follow your destiny or it becomes the best option possible.

The usual question is, 'How do you know what is your destiny?' One knows instinctively what is right for oneself. Doubt may creep in from time to time but that is human. Some including myself think, 'Is it my imagination or a pipedream?' the fear of not being realistic or sensible in the eyes of others. I believe you can control and change your path or at least understand what you need to do. An element of belief can make the journey less arduous. I changed mine only to be put back on it. We can rebel but ultimately destiny will prevail, at these times one can see more evidence of 'destiny' and 'fate'. When we attempt to plan what is in contradiction of where we need to be, things become difficult and those plans falter. We are left with the path chosen for us that we had planned before we incarnated.

Knowing your destiny and accepting it are two different things; some know and hesitate to embrace it; those who accept it may not fully understand their destiny but know that fate has a role in their destiny. I see fate as a 'helper' putting things back on track – steering, stopping, restarting and removing obstacles. Fate is the outcome that make us look at things clearly, to stop and take stock. Things do happen for a reason, I used to try to find answers to the reasons, now I accept that I need to look at the actions and understand the purpose of it. More often than not, I only understand in hindsight, which is how it ought to be as if I went in knowing what was expected I would not have learnt and grown in areas of my self I had not anticipated.

Earth Angels – painful lessons

There are theories of what an Earth Angel is – is it the same as an Incarnated Angel? Perhaps it is, I can only talk of my own experiences and what knowledge I am given. Whilst most will have been an angel or guide before reincarnating to have some experience of how to assist and help and know when to step back. Incarnated Angels come back to help and also to guide the Earth Angels. Some Earth Angels or lightworkers are 'in training' and balance learning and helping. Nether the less all on earth we all have lessons to learn whether we intended them or not.

Earth Angels can come into your life and make a connection and drift away once their work is done. In my case, some of my 'charges' I have known for 20 years and the relationship became stronger only when I was needed, but I was already there waiting. Other cases, the sudden chance meetings that reoccur, whatever the case, a connection was established. However, Earth Angels are not like doctors to fix things, we pick you up and put you back on your path and support you, it is your free will to want help and learn from it. In my case people were at their lowest ebb, where they would listen despite what their prior beliefs were as they had nothing to lose. The danger is to become a crutch for the 'charge'; learning to let go and let them fall on their path is hard. I wonder did I fail? It was their lesson to learn, my job was to put them back to where they needed to be when they were 'lost.' That was my lesson to learn, they were given a second or third chance and the rest is up to them.

My painful lesson was watching them once back on their feet and then returning to their old ways that contributed and resulted in the predicament they were in. I cannot intervene again, I did my job, I can guide and steer but if they did not acknowledge the lesson they needed to learn I couldn't enforce it. My only option is to step away and emotionally detach – some may say that is not very angelic, but to hinder ones lessons negates the soul evolving. A classic cruel to be kind, even if I can see their future, I am prevented from revealing too much. Recently I told a 'charge' I had to stand back, when asked why I told them they had lessons to learn. They asked 'what lessons?' that was not my place to say, but the fact that they may not realize they have more to learn reinforces why I must take a step back.

The misconceptions that Earth Angels are immune to pain and suffering is a myth, here we are human and subject to the emotions all others feel. That includes betrayal and pain; it is worse as I know when I am being lied to and the other party has convinced themselves it is truth. I have to accept it and allow the consequences however dire to unfold; perhaps I am a conduit for them to learn truth and integrity? The conflict I have within is difficult to overcome, I have learnt to walk away and attempt tolerance – I cannot change someone but hope to guide them to what is right and honest. Another lesson is to learn the limitations no matter how noble my intents are. People have their free will to change, even when they know they are doing wrong. For me, I struggle to understand why that is so – all I can do is offer knowledge, listening is one thing but taking action is another. I had a glimpse of who I was/am and why I am here to help, angels understand why lessons are becoming more difficult to achieve. As yet I do not have all the answers. What are the consequences if I do not walk away? Life becomes difficult and my own path becomes clouded and spiritually blocked.

Knowing when to help and when to walk away are equally important. The light we bring is transient and is to enable others to have their own, Earth Angels light can be depleted and as one wise reader told me,

" _You have to let them go as you have others that need your help."_

Showing others the path and lighting it for them is the best start, the rest is their journey – we just prepare them!

Reincarnation – a brave or hopeless decision?

Whether you believe in it or not there are an abundance of theories, some make sense others need some convincing. In a nutshell, we all possess souls which are eternal unlike the human body, so we choose to reincarnate to continue what we may not have finished last time, use what we have learnt and apply that knowledge, to learn more life lessons, or quite possibly a combination of all three. All in the pursuit of soul enlightenment! Eternal means there is no time limit so if we don't achieve all the goals set out we do them the next time around. Often, patterns repeat and that is a sure sign that it is something we need to learn or figure out. There is no escape, it may not be obvious to us, but at one point we did make the decision for a certain course of action.

Understanding reincarnation with no tangible evidence is controversial, you may hear of some spiritual people wanting to go home either they have had enough of this incarnation and are unhappy, isolated and in despair or they feel they have think they have achieved their life purpose. I would question their spirituality; as to give in is not spiritual. We have bad days and difficult periods, but that's what makes us stronger. Those who think they have achieved their life purpose, have more than likely not even come close.

At times we have unexplained aversions to things or favor things for no apparent reason. These traits are more noticeable in young children who make decisions and exhibit behavior with no frame of reference. If we look at them as newly incarnated with the blueprints of their past lives, they will continue their likes and dislikes from those lifetimes subconsciously. Reincarnation is a theory that would explain this phenomenon. I don't like water in my face – I used to scream if any got in my eyes or dripped into my ear as a child having my hair washed. Even today I am not as bad but it makes me uncomfortable, a spiritual friend told me before I had awoken, I had been drowned as a witch in a past life hence my partial phobia. I say partial as I deal with it, however it is still out of my comfort zone. It's a possible explanation, however I had more than one incarnation as a witch so it could be an amalgamation of all! According to theories our past life memories are wiped each incarnation to allow us to start and learn again, however I believe the soul essence retains all the traits gathered over time. These blueprints are imprinted and only triggered when needed. Especially in old souls, the traits will have been used time over time whilst new ones added. It can indeed supersede the genetic blueprint and any environmental factors. The knowledge, skills and characteristics remain deep within us and are part of us. Why do we choose to reincarnate? To help the world in a particular way, to continue the life lessons and gain soul evolution, to help a member of your soul group with their life purpose or a combination of all?

These are my theories, some feel they have a purpose to be here; to teach, guide, invent something and those who feel they have no life purpose are here to help others with theirs. It is not all about you, I see now that sometimes we act as conduits for others life lessons too. Those who feel as if they have no great purpose, it is possible this incarnation is a supporting role for those in your soul group – they may have done the same for you previously which is why you have agreed. Young souls reincarnate readily embracing new challenges whereas some older souls choose them more carefully and with purpose. They know what is in store and come for a particular situation, period, event or person. That is not to say their incarnations are more important, but will be more poignant.

I recall asking a reader why I had so many challenges; she replied and smiled, 'You asked for them!' At that point I nodded, as I can believe that I would have done so and anticipated my resolving them one after another. Note to my higher self, not back-to-back next time and with a two-year gap between each if there is a next time... for me it is unlikely.

Whilst we can never prove or disprove the theories of reincarnation we should not use it as an excuse to give up, for how we behave or for how your life has turned out. We have free will and choices to follow the path that we decide is right for us. There are no wrong decisions, we will always end up where we need to be, it may be the very scenic route or the procrastinated journey but fate plays its part by waking us up and creating events that put us back on course. We are all told of our spirit guides who guide us throughout life, they don't intervene, but nudge or in my case shove (I am stubborn), but I feel we have earth guides/angels here to counsel, listen and steer in a more direct fashion.

From experience, we can save, guide, warn but never interfere or dictate. I outline the options and worst-case scenarios, but the path chosen is made alone by each person. Our soul responsibility lies with us in the here and now. Each incarnation contributes to our soul existence, some are more painful and others more eventful even though each incarnation maybe erased, the scars remain and can be triggered under traumatic circumstances. I see this as in built protection to prevent the painful outcomes previously experienced or knowledge is shown to protect.

Reincarnation is for the brave – it is painful, tough and challenging. We can challenge our destiny, but we are in fact are challenging ourselves as we at one point made the conscious decision to follow this course of action.

Dark night of the Soul – A Spiritual Depression?

It is assumed that those spiritually inclined are more susceptible to depression, yet the concept of 'The Dark night of the Soul' differs from clinical depression. There is little written or theorized on the topic, not everyone goes through the experience, some do not complete it and those that do may not be able to articulate the nature of their experience whilst others struggle. I don't believe we are supposed to understand everything that happens to us, but that there is a reason for it. The Dark night of the Soul should be called the dark period of the soul as it rarely lasts a night, it happens with no warning and despite all the spiritual gifts and faith you have, suddenly you are filled with pain, loneliness, despair and confusion. Ironically it appears to occur when you have achieved a substantial level of spirituality, maybe so in that you will be able to cope.

I theorize that to understand the light we must experience the dark, whilst they exist to maintain the equilibrium, it is for us to control that balance. We can all have dark moments, the aim of the dark night period I see as a mini reincarnation – to purge the conditioning accumulated over time, to get back the innocence and simplicity that we had as a child. For me, a sign to not go back to the life I had, but to have the faith to move forward and not use the past as a crutch or safety net.

We are taught indeed to have back up plans; spiritually we are to have infinite faith and trust. On the material plane we need back up plans, as we cannot predict the actions of others that affect us. Anyone that says otherwise is being unrealistic in my opinion. Experiencing this 'stage' is complex, you want to understand, but there is no reason or answer to find. To find oneself in the dark, unable to function and despite looking for the light, you cannot see anything but despair is confusing after all the usual 'remedies' have been tried. It is not my first time; we will keep reliving it until we achieve complete faith. Some will not or want to reach that level for it is life changing and painful. The material becomes irrelevant, nothing is important. I went shopping and did not come back with any chocolate or chips (which usually was the bulk of my purchases) nor do I crave what I would eat daily. It is a shock to my system and me. I lack the ability to do what I want to do.

There is no advice to be sought, each person will have different experiences, varying depths and you cannot explain what you do not fully understand. In some ways it is similar to becoming monk or nun. It is humbling and the antithesis of the globalized world we live in. You take only what you need, no more even if it is offered to you freely. This differs from clinical depression where there are triggers, there are answers not necessarily solutions. With clinical depression you have good days and bad days, the dark night soul period is continuous. Some say there is no time limit and that indeed Mother Theresa spent 50 years in this state. Whilst she was a remarkable woman, my first dark night period for six months was a huge test of strength and faith and I struggled each day to survive. I believe it is a transitory stage, if it persists too long it can destroy the spiritual faith and weaken the soul, so the period will end and if and when one regains strength it may resurface again. Why do I believe it can only be sustained for a period of time? The pain and suffering leads to despair, in human form there is only so much one can endure. If this is to be a test, then the test can be retaken. There must be a balance between the realms, to exist spiritually on the material realm, one must understand and be part of it.

Surviving the Spiritual Journey

Trekking in the mountains or jungles, taking a gap year or an overland adventure, the sensible prepare mentally and physically, packing only what they need. Unfortunately there is no Spiritual Journey survival guide or packing list. The journey itself doesn't just happen, the opportunity may present itself many times in an incarnation, but the acceptance and realization of the journey that leads to an awakening is where one embarks on a path where perceptions and beliefs are challenged. Like all journeys having a break or rest is advisable.

A spiritual break is sometimes necessary to take a step back, take stock of what has happened, to look around and evaluate what you have seen and done and choose which way you want to proceed. Its not dissimilar to climbing mountains in the Himalayas, you have to stop to acclimatize, look around and appreciate and understand what you have just achieved, look at things from a different viewpoint and the changes. If there is a blockage you look for ways around it or ride it out. I climbed the mountains in -35 centigrade, our route was not passable so we were forced to take an alternative route with caution and then were snowed in and had to stop and wait for the weather to turn and then go back. These metaphors apply to the Spiritual Journey; there will be obstacles and blockages and times of uncertainty. There is no textbook to refer to or help solve the situation. Each of us will look at a situation differently and choose the right way to resolve the issue individually. That is part of the journey.

Sometimes we take a wrong turning but we learn from it and then continue on the journey with caution and lessons learnt. I climbed an active volcano and took the wrong path and nearly died (I learnt not to climb active volcanoes in the rain). Many focus on the destination of the journey our destiny or destinies, however it is the journey itself where we are enriched. There is no end to our journey until we have realized and accomplished what we need to in our incarnation. The journey then continues in another realm.

In my search for answers, I realize the answers will become apparent when I am ready. I can be impatient and persistent, but I accept and realize there is a time and place for everything. Like all adventures and journeys, we cannot be prepared for everything; sometimes we will get distracted, take detours and take breaks. Enjoy the journey; there will be good days and not so good days, more memorable times and ones that you prefer to forget. Either way you grow and learn, become stronger and wiser and able to face the challenge of life.

Angels v Witches

Both have powers to help and heal those in need; so why the difference in perceptions?

Angels are aligned with God and Heaven; their actions are with the purest intent so we are lead to believe. Earth Angels are here to do the physical nudging when the spiritual nudging is subtle and less obvious. Angelic interventions are seen as miracles from above so why do witches get a bad reputation when tragedy occurs? Historically unexplained events were considered suspicious thus witchcraft became the reason for anything deemed unnatural. But what is the difference between angelic intervention and that of a witch who heals? Both are supernatural phenomena, who is to say a witch cannot do good deeds where perhaps destiny predetermined events when a tragic event happened and The Powers That Be did not intervene?

I believe angels choose to incarnate as witches to understand and experience the emotional conflicts that arise on the human plane in order to better serve the spiritual realm. Their powers and abilities are harnessed on the earthly plane and can be more direct and obvious than an angel whisper or sign. Some witches were and are misunderstood, yet many historically and today have been in existence to help humanity. Being in human form, one is subject to the shadow negative side of being human and occasionally that can be seen as dark magick. The threefold law exists as a deterrent to use magick not in the way it was intended. However sometimes conscious magic versus subconscious magic exists but that is another topic...

Decisions and Regrets

We make decisions everyday, some work out and others we have to work around. Too often we are lectured into thinking regret is negative and destructive, but in reality regret is when we realize that there may have been a better choice or that was the best outcome possible at that time. Most of the decisions I regret are those that others persuaded me to follow. I have learnt to listen, (advice is always good) but decide for yourself what is best for you at the time. We have to live and learn from our decisions and not blame anyone or anything else, which is too often the case for those who do not want to appear to have made any mistakes. For them finding a scapegoat or an excuse is acceptable. Being able to admit and take responsibility for a decision that did not work out actually shows strength of character. Those who blame or pass the buck fear themselves and their weakness means they cannot accept poor decisions or choices or lack the strength of character to address and deal with the consequences.

Sometimes we learn to make wiser decisions, and at times we don't, but that's human. There is no such thing as the perfect choice, what is right for one person may not be right for another. Circumstances change and so do perceptions. I have heard some say having a plan B is weak, I think not having one is arrogant. When we face the consequences of an ill judged decision, we dig deep to resolve and rectify things (Plan B/C) to me that is wise. I have made what some may consider questionable and foolhardy decisions, but they were mine to make and did not affect anyone else, so why should I make decisions to justify my actions to others? I have learnt to deal with and accept the consequences of some of my decisions, but through them I have become stronger and am learning to make better decisions, (not all the time, but most of the time). The only thing I regret is listening to others telling me I was making a bad decision, because ultimately through these we grow and learn more about ourselves. It was a bad decision listening to the naysayers and one I will not make again!

The Dark Crooked Path

On our journey we experience highs and lows, the light and the dark. There are times the darkness is so deep we can barely see the light as we hesitate to venture forward, occasionally stumbling and stopping in doubt. The path appears uncertain as we search deep within ourselves to gather all the strength and faith we can muster. At times scary and you just want to sit down or hide and rest.

Traditionally the Crooked Path is that of ancient and mystical wisdom, passed down through incarnations and the ancestral line – when we walk down the path we get glimpses of what we once knew. It is unsettling, uncomfortable and fear can set in, in the light we have faith and hope, but in darkness there is despair and doubt. To keep the momentum and faith in these dark periods requires immense strength and courage to believe in what you cannot see, feel or trust. Stretching ones faith to the ultimate limits, against the odds can seem foolhardy, but sometimes we are left with no choice but to trust The Powers That Be to teach us to stretch our faith.

Despite this, openly embracing oneself to the unknown is unnerving. I do not subscribe to the doctrine of 'leave it to Spirit to deal with' or 'ask the Angels to sort it out'. We still have a responsibility to ourselves to look for answers and attempt to resolve situations. Sometimes Spirit has other ideas, that may not be in line with your actions, but the point is to try. Why should Spirit assist when one expects help or feel they are entitled? I believe help should be given when one has tried to help themselves or at least had the intention to. Even then, sometimes Spirit will standby and watch whilst you search for the direction and answer you seek or you think you need.

# Ego – What is it?

I was always puzzled whenever I read, you have to 'let go of ego' to be spiritually awoken and to reach enlightenment. Being modest and not bigheaded I felt 'well I should be okay'. Now the definition of someone with ego is to me is someone who has an inflated self-image in other words conceited; however I realize it is so much more than this. You think because you are not egotistical you can be spiritually aware?

I discovered in many ways, through experience and watching others unconsciously there is more to it! An example is making a decision that makes one feel as if they have power over others, that is a faux sense of power that does little but inflate your own ego where that choice benefits no one but the ego. For example you arrive deliberately late to meet someone because they annoyed you, so you make them wait, as 'they deserve it'. That is ego! What did that action serve except to make you feel you had control and power over someone else? When actions only serve to make you feel better and in control, that is ego. You lose integrity and lets face it some of your morals. Others suffer as a consequence for your benefit. It is more than mere actions it is thoughts too we have to let go of. The one I come across is people saying to me 'you think you are too good for us or better than us', that is their perception not mine. Obviously paranoia can kick in and you wonder if you have displayed egotistical tendencies, but on the contrary you cannot control others perceptions of you if they feel threatened by your very being. By all means stand up for yourself (as I do) but do not blame yourself for how others feel about you or how they try to judge you.

I found myself in a position with someone who needed to feel some power over me by asking me to do a task that was fruitless and pointless because they could ask me to. When replying with a reasonable response they were unable to respond and told me 'just do as you are told'. I have let go of my own ego; once you do you see other things clearly. You learn to let go of things that do not really matter and those that do, you see that the other party has issues to deal with. You cannot fight their demons. It is the petty things that are egotistical too, like people cutting up someone in the car or jumping the line at the checkout. You may not think of them as such, but they are conveying a message 'I deserve to go first'.

On my journey thus far, I have been humbled to accept the choices of those with ego, that is not to say I agree or have allowed them to 'win' but observing that it can cloud the right choice for all, rather than the needs of the one. What I have learnt is that making a choice is not just for you, but how it affects others and that is having a responsible ego.

Intuition V Logic

Intuition is one of those words people raise their eyebrows at and roll their eyes with a smirk, yet it exists intangibly. Just what is it? The unexplainable notion of knowing something against the odds with no logical explanation. Sometimes, it can make sense, but more often it is obscure knowledge with no reasoning a hunch or a sixth sense. We all have intuition with varying degrees; some of those with heightened levels fight it, ignore it or get confused and others embrace it and use to help others.

A child, a blank canvas with no preconceptions or any means to measure logic with will use their gut instinct and intuition in all they do. Instinct is different as a natural reaction to a situation for example touching something hot. Intuition is knowing something with no frame of reference. Children know no rules or protocols and intuitively follow what their subconscious tells them. I recall my own childhood, my green days where I had no prejudices indoctrinated in me, nor societal or moral righteousness ingrained in me. I just knew what to do, how to survive, what was intrinsically right and what was wrong without hesitation but also without explanation. My salad days of innocence are a reminder of how I was and how I did not hesitate or question as I do now as a 'conditioned' adult, I have had to relearn faith and trust in myself.

My intuition has always been strong, yet I allow logic to succumb and thus have paid the penalty. Some may say 'poppycock', but when you go against the grain of absoluteness you accept the consequences regardless. It exists to protect and guide us, when we ignore this or deny it we have to re-evaluate all that we know and believe. The media and new social values influence us in all areas of our life today, fighting it to be individual becomes harder, to clear your mind and to stand alone and be free of judgmental opinions, to trust and believe your intuition then act on it and put aside any doubts, queries or fears. I write this having to remove myself from all that I have known, isolating myself to enable me to have the faith and strength I had as a child. I was shy but had the courage of my convictions and stood up for myself. Now, as an adult instead of becoming stronger I find I am weaker through fear and doubt, but know I can regain what I had lost.

There are times I have chosen logic over intuition – logic failed me regardless of the proven facts and what was on paper. I may not understand the principles of my intuition but it was the better option. Trust is earned and gained, and within oneself is harder – a conflict of the mind and soul. You cannot undo all the knowledge you have attained, but you have to open yourself to what is undeterminable and the improbable and allow those options to be accepted. We have all written the list of pros and cons, but whilst we do, we already know the solution deep within us but feel the need to justify our decision. We have to justify it to ourselves. It may go against what everyone else thinks, it may look bad on paper and be the least likely option, but the strength to follow what you know is right is the hardest thing to quantify. You can only listen to you, your heart and soul. You build the trust within yourself and have the courage to be guided, not only blind faith... more an invisible faith – invisible to others only. What is important is to trust yourself and have the courage to be yourself and follow what your soul guides you to do. It is not easy nor is it impossible, intuition guides us and allows us to grow stronger as a person – by listening and acting we grow and become the person we are supposed to become. A strong and balanced soul.

Shamanic Darkness

There are mixed writings on shamanic initiation and practices and very few really know or understand how it works. It is complex and true shamanism I believe leads you into a darkness that alters your view of life and humanity forever.

There is often little preparation or warning when the 'initiation' process starts, mainly as it would defeat the purpose of the object, to learn how to survive 'death' with nothing around to help you. You enter darkness; a bleak place where there is nothing but emptiness, there is no light or hope, no one to help you, nothing to comfort you or to look to for advice. Quite simply you are alone and abandoned.

Cruel, it may seem, but survival is the goal and the pain, confusion, suffering and loss of faith is part of the process. The aim to learn to put the pieces together and find a way back through it all, to persevere and find strength and courage deep from within. It is more than a test of faith or a Dark Soul of the Night is some ways; it's a rebirthing and learning process. Life becomes a blank canvas, much like the Death card the slate is wiped clean, but with it this time you have knowledge. It is difficult to put it aside and not to use logic, as it makes no sense, as you are reduced to bare survival tactics. The transition is unsettling and uncomfortable, there is little guidance and using your intuition and trusting it is all you have. It is a little like having a transparent blindfold in the desert not knowing which way to go, having only your instincts to guide and survive.

# The Lone Soul

I had inkling I was an old soul as there are things I just know and I know not how or why. I would put it down to my eidetic memory having read it somewhere at some point in my life. It all started with a past life session where a traumatic past life was removed, some traits of a past life can hold you back without you realizing why and having cut some chords I felt it could help me on my path and within me too. The past life was a major one where I lost my heart and despite healing from several healers the soul fragment connected to my heart once released journeyed to another realm not wanting a repeat of what happened in that incarnation. Whilst I understand my soul fragment went of its free will and I intrinsically do not blame it, it left me vulnerable and with not much 'soul' left to live with.

I am a skeptic and always have been, I had never read about or believed in chakras, soul retrieval, shamanism or that the soul evolves and retains a blueprint of each incarnation. However can one live without a soul or with part of it missing? When you have lost part of your soul, you have to fight to survive – ten days after my past life session I felt empty, I did not eat or sleep. I did not need to I stopped caring about anything around me including myself. I was not myself; I did not recognize myself or was able to control my thoughts or actions. I was an entity with nothing to exist for.

As a human I am not particularly emotional, and as an empath the only feelings I encountered during this transitional period were others. I sought help from another reader who sensed I was empty and lifeless. I was recommended a grounding crystal. I have always raised eyebrows at anything crystal like and did not believe in them, but when you have nothing left to lose, I had to try it and whilst it did not change my situation I did feel an energy and it was symbolic in that I was accepting of the situation and I was doing something to help my soul fragment to come back. She told me I needed to feel with my heart, until then I could not be whole.

The only way soul fragments can be retrieved or returned is if they want to return and until I was willing to accept and want the soul back, no one could help me. I had to face the traumas of my emotions and the heart had to be whole in order for the soul fragments to want to return. This meant dropping everything in my life plan, packing up my life and home and moving to where another past life needed to have issues resolved and where my soul was strongest. It was a choice to live or not. Whilst it was not on my path, it pushed me to acknowledge what I knew deep down to do but decided to wait until 'the time was right'. I now know there is no such thing!

I had several shamans attempting to help me despite not really believing in them, this was something I had to do alone and dramatic as it may sound I was in fact dying. Yes, we are all dying from the moment we are born, but I was not living, merely existing. Not having a soul is empty and lifeless with no meaning or reason. Packing up and leaving to live out of a suitcase on your spiritual path to retrieve your soul sounds ridiculous to many, but I am not looking for my soul as some think as I know where it is, but I have to be ready within myself. I had no choice actually; so it was a big shove from spirit to be where I am now. The choice was to exist as a non-entity or follow my destiny and retrieve my soul and be whole. My law school application will have to wait and the job I was offered will have to be rejected. I can do neither if my soul is not within me. I feel most of the fragments are back, but I will never be the person I was. Is that a bad thing? Maybe not, but I no longer know myself or find myself reacting differently to how I would have done before.

The not knowing and accepting a different person within you is a concept that not many will experience and not through choice. Rather than fight it, I embrace an enhanced me, I look at myself, I look different and I am different but I retain all the memories of the person I was, but no longer am. It's like a jigsaw puzzle with the some pieces missing and those that are in place have worn out edges and don't fit as well as it originally did. The picture (me) looks whole but isn't quite like the picture on the box. I now see clearly what is really in front of me, and whilst skepticism remains I am open to what happens and what I see. I attempt to make sense of things and then understand what it means to me and what I need to know and learn to progress on my path.

The soul is precious, it has more power than we can ever imagine. Losing any part is traumatic, but I found out a valuable lesson; looking after and nurturing the soul is more important than anything. It is the foundation of your being and your existence. You cannot fool your soul or get someone to help you. It is a sole mission and there is no end, so take care of it and respect it.

Life – A balancing or juggling act?

Whether we realize it or not we juggle life not just physically but mentally. Today even if you live in the remote wilderness, the evolution of technology with mobile communications expects us to be on alert and to respond instantaneously. Taking control, not to check your email every minute or to have your mobile phone affixed to your ear is not so easy to do. Just because you have email or a mobile phone does not mean you have to be available. I see people lost and in a state of panic if they cannot check their email or if their mobile phone battery has run out.

The thing is we all survived at one point without, but now it is expected of us. Escaping from city life where I had to respond to work messages instantly, I now find people have the mentality of the 'now' culture even if it is not work related. I have friends asking why I haven't responded to messages after an hour – well I didn't know there was a time limit during the day, responding when I want to rather than because I feel I ought to is taking control of your time. We all need space and cannot be on call 24/7. I even had a friend who expected me to be on Facebook all the time, waiting for me to log on to ask me something. Then we juggle our mental to do lists, what we need to do and what we want to do: life has become more complicated; no wonder people escape to Vermont to live. We then try to balance our lives; work, social life and enjoyment. Often one dominates at varying times of ones life, I am reminded by The Powers That Be that they want me to enjoy my incarnation, though I struggle with that concept as my Spiritual case load stacks higher.

We choose our balance, but its difficult deciding between what we want to do versus what we feel and think we should do. These conflicts are societal but also it's about what is in your best interests. Some take life seriously and others less so, striking a fine balance subconsciously is the best way do what the mind and body feels. Often the body will say stop and rest even if you want to work or go and party. For those in city life, every minute and hour matters, well that's how my life was, now I realize I was not living but existing. I struggle to find a balance, feeling guilty if I am not studying or working, perhaps I am too hard on myself but I know I need to find a balance, to take control and to respond (within reason) when I am ready to emails and social media and to learn to live life rather than exist for others expectations and self imposed rules. Explaining this to others not on the same wavelength is another matter, but that's their lesson to learn. Mine is to learn to relax and to enjoy myself without feeling guilty. I am working on it or maybe I should move to Vermont...

Your Mission should you decide to accept

I am not atypical of most lightworkers, I am direct and I question things that maybe I should not. Over time I have noticed patterns that I am learning from, but with the realization comes the understanding with the knowledge of the possible consequences. It may seem dramatic, each task is a mission, and many happen without consciously entering into them then you gradually you realize why you are in a certain place and with certain people.

Sometimes I tell people they have lessons to learn and things to resolve or confront and if they choose not to, then they will have to do next time round – it's their choice! Once you recognize the signs and the recurring patterns, you may have the knowledge of what you are getting yourself into; do you choose to accept a mission that may be part of your path or that it may stall the direction you wish to follow? I am all for destiny and fate intervening (okay I accept it) but when you are given a 'mission impossible' do you accept knowing the consequences will drain you, cause you pain and divert you on your chosen path of free will? On more than one occasion I have gone against the signs and taken diversions on my path, (I am sure my guides despair of me) and whilst I embrace challenges, I understand it is not the outcome that matters it is the support given even in what may seem hopeless situations. I appear to be given cases where there is no more hope, my mission to show the light is still visible and renew faith to those who no longer can see hope or the light on their path. Unlike many I spell things out in black and white for them; they may hear but do they listen? I do not judge but illustrate the options on their path and tell them the consequences as they are and more importantly I explain it is their free will to choose what is right for them.

I find myself faced with another mission, I was debating accepting it until writing this and I have answered my own question! However I retain my free will to accept or reject the mission, not because I do not feel I cannot face the challenge, but it would force me to face part of my shadow side and lessons that I would rather not want to confront at present. Then again there is no perfect time and are we ever ready to face what we would rather not? Perhaps The Powers that Be feel its time for me to face and challenge certain aspects, perhaps others have tried and it's my turn? Maybe they will leave me with no choice but to accept the mission? Each mission seems to get tougher, though emotionally I have been learning to distance myself to reduce the impact when I leave. The intensity is greater and the missions faster with greater clarity of the situation. Sometimes seeing things as they are does not make things any easier – at times ignorance can be bliss.

Hypocrisy and the Self

What I tell myself daily as a mantra and to my charges is: 'Be honest and true to yourself and as long as you know you have done your best with good intentions you can do no more and you can look at yourself in the mirror.'

However society advocates hypocrisy; all around I see people behaving how they think and feel they ought to, talking about things they think makes them appear intelligent or interesting, dressing to impress rather than an extension of their personality, saying what others want to hear to get ahead and basically playing the game. What is genuine anymore? What is deemed politically correct has also expanded, swearing in public is common place, falsifying reports is not a surprise and is expected under the guise of 'fudging figures', integrity appears to be a thing of the past.

Recently I was vilified for advising a teenager to; 'tell your parents what they need to know and what they want to hear.'

Not necessarily lying but more to limit information especially if you are financially dependent or still rely on them to provide a roof over your head. Parents will always see you differently no matter how old you are. Most of us have to at some point in our lives, have given our parents a different version of a story, not only for the sake of peace but also for them to retain the illusion of the innocent child! The best way is to try to maintain a balance between 'playing the game' and retaining dignity and self-respect.

I played the game during my years working in the corporate sector, with my bosses, clients and the public. Each night I could barely look at myself, all I could feel was disdain for myself before it ate away at my soul. Naturally it has its own perils, learning _how_ to say something rather than _what_ you say along with the timing, intonation and body language.

Sometimes it is better to remain neutral to avoid hurting any feelings or simply change the topic. It is sad that being yourself is hard in today's society compared to how easy it is to accept hypocrisy and a façade. I am known for 'saying it as it is' and 'what you see is what you get'; friends are amused at my direct frankness. That is the only way I can be, people know where they stand with me. Naturally I can be diplomatic and politically correct when needed, but I can look at myself in the mirror and know I have been true to myself.

My evening ritual of bathing was three fold; to relax, have some me time and to wash away the day of what was false and negative. Those evenings used to be long and a relief to my inner self – the conscious self that ate away at what integrity I had left at the end of each day. Those days are behind me and are replaced with a little more calmness and peace within. Hypocrites fool themselves, no one else. People lose respect for them even if they turn a blind eye to them. Even if everyone displays the same mantra and attitude, you owe it to yourself to do what is right for you alone. Integrity and self worth are priceless and I have walked away from jobs and people in order to preserve my inner self – _because I am worth it._

Private Thoughts – do they exist?

I still get amazed when I watch a medium tell someone they are reading what they were thinking and that in the Spirit world they hear everything. Well it is a two-way channel, we ask them things and of course they must be able to hear us, but I wonder if they filter anything out?

It is human to have some naughty or negative thoughts from time to time, so are any of our thoughts ever really private? Sometimes it is necessary to zone out and not think of anything, otherwise the brain is on overload. That's when watching soap operas and cartoons are great! Some of the forums and posts I read tell us if we have negative thoughts, that we send out bad vibrations and that bad thoughts are as if we were carrying out the deed. I would like to think this is not always the case, if justified then that is protection but if malicious then that's ego. If every thought were pure and good, we would not have stress, worry, depression, anger, sadness or pain. Without those to counterbalance how could we measure happiness and what is good? Of course bad thoughts are not encouraged and can lead to bad actions, but we as humans do make mistakes. Anger and sadness are normal reactions and learning to deal with them and then letting it go is part of the learning process – to never experience either would be abnormal. Repressing negative thoughts is a hard task on the spiritual path and fighting it is probably one of the hardest things you will encounter.

Sometimes changing your viewpoint of how things appear can help ease the burden, but sometimes you have to ride and survive the tidal wave. You know its wrong, but you cannot help how you feel and its okay despite what others say. Its normal, but hopefully you learn how to cope and any negativity decreases. Its like going cold turkey, doing it slowly and step by step is the best and most successful way. On the other hand, do they listen and watch our daydreams? I would like to think they are private, but doubt they are.

Sometimes the Spirit world may misinterpret what we think or what we want to do, very much like a psychic interpreting visions and messages, each may see things slightly differently. Even when I have had readings the same message comes through with varying deliveries, for my own validation rather than testing a Sensitive because ultimately when it is ourselves we cannot be objective about what we see. Sometimes it not what we want to see and hear and having someone else reaffirm it can help any misinterpretations. In my case, I just did not see the obvious, being oblivious and not realizing. At times it can be a burden, which is why sometimes not all information is revealed, I now understand. There are some things we are not supposed to know and some things I would prefer the Spirit world not to know, but all our thoughts are recorded somehow, somewhere (Akashic Records). Every word we say, thought that crosses our mind and every word we write they see and hear. I am sure they do not judge, but hopefully they filter out some of the nonsense that goes through my head!

A Deeper Darker Dark Night of the Soul

I did not think it possible to delve any further into the depths of darkness and despair. When I speak of loss, it is not of the material; that left me quite some time ago. I speak of nothingness, not even a depression, where all I see is emptiness and there is nothing. I wonder why I must go through this, how many more times must I 'dig' myself out and resurface and arise again like a phoenix? It is like I am an island with nowhere to go, abandoned and lost.

Living is survival and existing, nothing more right now and it has to be to have a purpose otherwise why bother? No one can help or wants to; you ask and no one can hear or they think that you will be fine, because you sound fine, because you know you have to be. They cannot see deep within, at times nor can I. I fear it because I do not like it. The shadow side reminds us of our humanity and our frailties and weaknesses. I think we must learn to live with it and control it like Jekyll and Hyde, it will never leave us and is part of us. Sometimes suppression is futile because it needs to show through for whatever reason; to humble us, bring us down to a level where we can appreciate and understand everything. At times it is the predominant part of our lives, why? Perhaps because society has been diminished into a world of materialistic gain and that's all people yearn for and can see. I have paid the price (and probably still paying) for my sins in a time gone by and know and see the potential consequences of some of the things I see around me. It truly does all come back, and I remember only as a warning and to guide others so they do not have to endure as much as I have.

The life I once knew was taken away, it can never return. I have learnt to live without; I had no choice. Part of my soul left, part of it came back; I had to survive without it and learn to live with what small part returned thus far. I barely eat or sleep, I find shelter and warmth. But it's not living, I survive each day somehow. I dread waking up and having to face the world. Right now, it is not a nice or good world. I struggle to see what is good and where there is hope anymore.

The Merging of the Realms

There are some of us that can see both the physical and spiritual realms simultaneously; at times it can be confusing knowing what is happening in which. I realize that what I see, others may not see. Like everything there is good and bad; ironically on the physical plane things are subtler and on the spirit plane they are more direct. I recently attended a lecture with _Dr._ _Raymond Moody_ where his studies have deduced communication in the other realms and dimensions are in a different frequency. That's why sometimes we cannot hear them, but they show us images to convey messages. When I do hear them, I get frustrated when I cannot translate what they are saying. How do I describe it? It's like a different language at hyper speed, sometimes when the channel is open often in the early hours, it's like all the radio stations in the world playing at the same time speeded up. I call it 'angel chatter' when there is access to all the channels and all I can hear are millions of voices.

The shift in the Universe has accelerated and the realms have become intertwined. Those in the Spirit realm are making their presence more obvious; there is a need to take notice and heed any 'signs' or 'warnings' that may surface. Like other sensitive's, I feel there is an imminent change that will affect the world and the Spirit world is alerting us and preparing us for its upheaval. A dark cloud has hovered over the Universe for several months; it still lingers to this day. I hold faith that the path can still change and that any damage can be limited. Sometimes it is confusing knowing what realm you are hearing and seeing things in, not unlike an episode of _Fringe._ The bonds are breaking between the veils as society evolves; the emphasis has been on the physical and material rather than the continuing spiritual soul growth and the balance has become out of synch. Rather than souls evolving for the better there is a disparity between poverty and wealth. Instead of towns growing, slums are created and once thriving industrial towns have now become desolate ghost towns filled with boarded up shop fronts with a procession of for sale or to lease signs. Even local towns consist of coffee shops, banks and pharmacies as shops have moved to retail parks and shopping malls. The collapse of the banking system and bogus financial schemes has made society re-evaluate what is important.

Money cannot buy happiness or health, instead people are getting burnt out and looking at different ways to live their lives. Life challenges have been avoided with materialism, masked by drugs and therapy. Therapy is a hand to hold but is not the solution; it can give you strength to see what you need to confront. Drugs and alcohol dull the reality of what one sees but prefers not to – again masking what you don't want to see will not make it disappear. Sometimes we do need to feel ready or prepared to face certain challenges, however is there ever a perfect time? Ultimately you can have support and assistance but reliance and expectation is a short cut; like anything if you don't do it properly you will get sent back to start again from the beginning. Its like a game; sometimes you get a second chance, but rolling the dice in the game of life is risky and sometimes you won't get a chance to roll the dice again in the same incarnation. Allowing it to roll over to the next can be frustrating for the soul – life itself is a risk and embracing challenges each day is just part of _living._

The greatest challenge is to _ourselves_ ; to be the best we can be and face and learn from any challenges we encounter to. All our actions collectively affect the Universe and the future on all planes.

# Spiritual Breadcrumbs

When or if we feel lost or blocked, we find ourselves in need of a trail of breadcrumbs; they will appear and guide us in the right direction. Breadcrumbs come in the guise of a déjà vu, (visualizing a predestined event) signs (angel numbers), symbols (black cats), triggers (a phrase, smell, picture or place), an angel whisper and good old fate (series of events out of your control) can appear when you least expect them. Initially you may miss them until they magnify and you recollect them in hindsight. They give us clues and guidance when we need divine intervention. Very few of us will never find ourselves at a crossroad and when we do it is hard to decide between what you want and what is right. At times we cannot see clearly and the 'breadcrumbs' can assist in seeing things as they need be.

Do not depend and rely on 'breadcrumbs', they are to aid us and are not answers; look at why that 'breadcrumb' was left and shown to you – only you can interpret what it means to you. No psychic can look into your soul and understand the true meaning of the message. Psychics can only read what you permit them to and what Spirit allows to be shown. I have doubts when I hear psychics claiming to clear karmic ties and uncover your soul purpose, because it is for the individual to discover. A psychic can guide and put you back on the path, but they cannot clear what you alone must do. It would be a disservice, as you will have to do the lesson again. Psychics interpret channeled visions and messages, but if the message is only to be shown to the individual even the most gifted psychic will not be shown the information sought. There are some things no one else is privy too and there is no easy way out. You may ask, but will only be told when you are ready.

Help and guidance appear only when needed, too many depend on 'breadcrumbs' to govern their life, when their path is to venture with faith. Trust a guiding light will always follow and reveal 'breadcrumbs' should you stumble into the dark. Unlike Hansel and Gretel the trail will be random and staggered and some 'breadcrumbs' will be recollected subconsciously, piece them together and continue on your path.

Seeing inside the Soul

Being an empath has its own challenges, learning to shield being the first lesson. For those who think it's easy, well you cannot shield 24/7 though it is possible but you block out both the bad and the good! There will be times when your guard is down especially when you are tired. The upside is that you know when someone is a liar or can spot dishonesty before any words are even uttered. The gift of Clarity comes to some a little later when you can see inside the Soul, not just feeling but seeing the truth behind the mask. None of us are perfect; we all can get angry, frustrated and sometimes jealous. Of late I have seen inside some dark souls and it is not pleasant. The deceit they carry, the selfishness they exude they cannot hide from me. Is there hope for these souls? That is not for me to determine, perhaps that is their path to realize and overcome. All I know I feel and now see it and I try to avoid them. Spending time in the presence of liars and wholly negative energies is not healthy for an empath and it is hard not to say 'I know you are fibbing'.

I see also the tortured soul who needs healing; I feel and now can see their pain. Maybe it is for me to tell them they need to forgive themselves and that can start the healing process from within? They may smile externally, but I see deep within their pain and conflict and they know not how to resolve their inner self, for these souls I will reach out and help heal; some are ready and listen, others cannot or will not face their shadow side and that eats away at their soul which slowly darkens over time.

There are also the occasional good and true hearts I have encountered and it truly gives me hope for humanity finding these rare souls. It is even harder when others are deceived into thinking some are good souls when you can see the true picture magnified. It is a burden to bear, unable to say anything nor is it my place, just because I can see and sense dark souls it is not for me to judge. We all have some darkness within us, but understanding the shadow side and allowing the light to overcome the darkness is soul growth, which one can see versus darkness with no sign of light is another matter. So just how do you avoid and disengage from these souls? Well I am learning, I can hardly say: 'I can see your dark, negative soul with less than good intentions and I don't want you to steal my light or energy.' Although I do think it loudly and hope they may get it and walk away!

Others will not understand why I MUST avoid these souls, it may seem uncharitable, unfriendly or mean spirited but it's actually called self preservation and survival of my own Soul and light energy. I try not to look into someone's soul, it's like seeing someone naked but sometimes it can't be helped. I haven't figured out why I have this ability yet, but it reconfirms any empathic feelings I have. I am very fair – I like to give people chances because we all make errors of judgment, but when I feel I am being deceived coupled with a dark soul, the red flags start waving in front of me. How can I describe it? Not an aura as such but I can see how the soul has progressed and what stage it is at. Some are sad souls, others so innocent they have to be in one of their early incarnations and some who have nearly completed their goals. The colors arise from within the body, sometimes it is a large soul denoting the need for growth or growth achieved and sometimes there is a color barrier surrounding the soul. Often it is gray bordering and infiltrating the light and the orange and yellows denoting suffering from within. My difficulty is I have no one to talk to about this – most would think me crazy, so I find myself seeing things I do not fully understand and question why? I guess it is for me to figure out and realize when I am ready!

# The Rebel Angel

How do I know? Because I am one! Not to be confused with a fallen angel, but one who questions, exercises free will and adopts common sense. I am not a bad angel more of a maverick, but I get shouted at a lot! Some may say why don't I listen but I say I listen but I still choose what to do and when. In other words a 'thinking and inquisitive angel' realistic looking at the bigger picture. My guides et al know it's not out of disrespect, but a healthy dose in the quest of understanding why? There are consequences however, not the clipping of wings but more to prove a point to the 'others' an incarnation in human form to show not only how much can be achieved but also what can halt or alter progress. I don't think many of us took that into account when plans were made. In my case the tick list started off well, but then things kept resurfacing and there was crossover and confusion. Simply there was no closure as challenges piled up and escalated. We may close doors on things but the memory remains for both the good and bad, but that is part of our essence and makes us individuals

Standing back and watching pain and suffering has been difficult, whilst intervention is frowned upon, direct guidance sometimes is necessary. Unfortunately one can be so blocked or blinkered they cannot see the signs and all hope has already been lost. That's when angels direct approach steps in to restore faith and hope, sometimes it is not written but the angel can use their own free will and judgment how to help and how much assistance is required.

Choosing who to help and when to stop is something I had to learn the hard way. Do angels get punished? Well, in a manner – I helped a charge more than she needed and I was told to stand back to enable her to learn lessons. My life had become less smooth and my own path more difficult than it should have been until I stopped. My lesson was to help but to allow others to learn and prevent them becoming dependent – severing the cord can be difficult without appearing ruthless, but I had to for my own sake. In some ways its like a doctor giving you medicine to heal, you can only help so much then the rest is up to the charge. Doctors that interfere with euthanasia and the like get punished even if their intentions are good. Exercising free will and common sense seem to get me into trouble, although I am more cautious, I still make my decisions based on what I feel is right even though I know there will be consequences... I face them with courage and brace myself.

# The Search for 'Home'

The topic of 'going home' is amongst the great debates on spiritual and religious forums. Besides Heaven, others may call it Source or the Divine. Ultimately all our souls will return 'Home' as the human body can only physically be maintained naturally for a limited period of time, whereas the soul is eternal. Others believe they are from other 'systems' and desire to return to their planet. There is no evidence, so one can prove or disprove theories, however it is logical to assume even if the soul originated from another 'system' it would still be subject to the same criteria of soul preparation before incarnation, i.e.: choice of parents/soul groups/lessons to learn.

The increased yearning of the need to return home before time stems from disillusionment and difficult and painful incarnations that reflect the modern society of globalization, materialism and a need for one-upmanship. It belies the nature of lesson learning, even though lessons are not supposed to be easy nor are the to be a constant endurance test. 'Home' is a base to feel safe, secure, comfortable and where you can be yourself, not just a building but also an environment. Those fortunate enough to have found their 'home' can grow and live in harmony, many of us still seek where we feel we need to be and want to be. One day my path will lead me 'home' and I trust I will find it one day!

Betrayal and Trust

Trust is gained and earned; Betrayal is a human inevitability – a lesson we all experience to varying degrees. The skeptical but honest truth is the only person you can trust is yourself, but then even at times one can falter when the heart out reasons the mind and vice versa.

Once betrayed can things ever be the same? Can that person be ever trusted again? It is within the human fabric to learn to trust others, however deceit and betrayal whether premeditated or unintentional are becoming commonplace where 'sorry' is too late or not enough. Those that forgive consistently I admire from a distance, but question their actions in that by continually forgiving coupled with their inaction; they are sending a message that the behavior is acceptable. Not only that, but they do a disservice to the perpetrator, who is not on the path to learning a valuable life lesson. Those who forgive bear a responsibility to confront and question rather than to passively forgive. The perpetrator 'gets away with it' and then becomes bolder and continues deluding themselves that it was unnoticed or it did not matter. This is where karmic debt accumulates, if not in this incarnation it will surface eventually.

I do not think it inhuman of me to have feelings of disgust and abhorrence at those who have taken advantage of my good nature, abused my trust and betrayed me. I trust in the law of karma to rebalance things out as I would be debasing and lowering myself to their level should I wish to retaliate. Silence and inaction maybe be mistaken for weakness, the negative thoughts should exist as a momentary realization and as a lesson to learn what has taken place and then released. Not always easy to do, but it is only human to do the best we can. Once the line has been crossed, there is no return. There are times where we instinctively and intuitively know we are being duped, but we take that humanistic chance that 'we maybe proved wrong' and 'to give the benefit of the doubt'. Having experienced this scenario countless times (and painfully suffered and countered the consequences) whilst some may say noble, the lesson I needed to learn was to air and address concerns and doubts and listen to your intuition. Ironically I have always sensed when being deceived, betrayed or let down, but my lesson was also to learn to trust and when that trust is broken then you have the right to react accordingly.

Experiencing betrayal at an early age when one is innocent and vulnerable is hard, but makes for a strong and independent individual. For those with a sheltered life who discover betrayal when all they have known is truth and honesty are less prepared to deal with the emotions and how to deal with the consequences. Often they shut down their emotions and erect iron-clad barriers and their perception of humanity changes irrevocably. I question why we choose our parents and siblings before we incarnate – perhaps to learn the lessons of trust and betrayal early on?

It is not uncommon for those who genetically created us or who share the same DNA to deceive us. Hypothetically they are the ones you should be able to trust unconditionally and without hesitation, but they are aware of your Achilles tendon thus you are more vulnerable. Conversely there are parents who will lay their life down for their offspring and even love to the point of smothering. The sheltering of 'real life' can hinder one as much as a betrayal. Knowing how to cope with deceit and betrayal is a fundamental part of being human, despite well wishing parents wanting to shield their offspring from the less pleasant side of life in the real world.

Some of us cope or deal with it, some deny and bury their heads in the sand and others retaliate or enact revenge. Each circumstance brings with it our own individual lessons that we have chosen to learn. Friends are the family we consciously choose here (also part of our soul group at times) and their betrayal is greater in that we have chosen to trust them. A friend that consistently deceives and betrays is no friend. I believe in forgiving and a second chance, but once chances go into double figures, you are a better friend by releasing them to find their path. They will perennially deceive themselves and their dark path without being dramatic will grow and your inaction will exacerbate this. Not only does their negative energy infringe upon you and but in turn they 'acquire' your positive energy. By not confronting and addressing their behavior, you inadvertently are contributing to their dark path.

The current trend is to be 'politically correct' and 'to have an official line', but if it affects you directly you have the right to protect and defend yourself. People hide behind ambiguity, unable or afraid to face the consequences of their actions; finding excuses not reasons to blame others when we are all responsible for our own actions. There are clinics and rehabilitation programs for those addicted to deceit, but ultimately each person is aware, conscious and responsible for their inappropriate behavior. They may have escaped punishment and bypassed consequences but have chosen to continue in the same manner as the norm for themselves. People may bare their souls, apologize in therapy but understanding the harm caused is not always realistically possible. Many opt to say they have found religion as an answer, but it is rarely that and is an excuse to clutch to. They look to beliefs that one wishes to aspire to or feel that is what one ought to – in reality we interpret each belief according to our own experience. True repentance is rare, not impossible, when the tables have been turned one can begin to truly understand and experience the pain inflicted, but that is not the solution, that is revenge. If fate intervenes and circumstances dictate thus so, but to manipulate situations renders ones action no better than the perpetrator.

There are the rare gems that you stumble upon, ones who you can trust and rely on; when found, I question their motives and have had trouble in accepting that these people exist. They are scarce but they have learnt their lessons and they have rebuilt my faith in humanity and allowed my ability to trust to grow, however slow! The barrier remains but softens and occasionally a brick will loosen and fall. Trust is the first thing we learn in life; we trust those around us who nurture and care for us unconditionally – it is what makes us human. Betrayal is the lesson we learn when trust is abused. It may wound and scar us, but wounds heal and the scars remind us of the lesson learnt. The phrase 'second chance' exists and we as humans are susceptible to errors in judgment and everyone is entitled to a second chance if so given. Each of us are responsible for our own actions and if those actions impact on others.

The ultimate betrayal is of yourself, if you consciously deceive yourself.

Claircognizance – guided knowledge

Its indefinable, it cannot be proven nor disproved – different from being clairvoyant it is when you just know and you cannot explain it, to myself let alone anyone else! I cannot rationalize how I know or why I know without a doubt with nothing to substantiate it. Not many talk about this 'gift' as it is the most skeptical of all spiritual gifts, asking someone to accept what you say, because 'you know' sounds illogical and slightly crazy. Perhaps it comes with being an Old Soul, having an accumulation of knowledge and experience that can be drawn upon.

The opening to the Higher Self and seeing with the Third Eye combined can bring clarity to the messages that are delivered relaying what is needed. Very few people go around saying they are claircognizant, probably because no one would believe them or understand what it means – it is not a gift that one flaunts or discusses, it is for the modest that know how and learn to use the gift wisely. In my case, many accept and trust what I convey to them. It's not just what I say, but how I deliver the message. It differs from intuition, which is about making a decision or choice, clairvoyance is a prediction of a probable or possible outcome – claircognizance is knowing a fact beyond doubt as a warning or advice.

How do I explain, a message that just comes into your head and you know, then you have to decide how to relay the message? Knowing how to deliver the message when it has not been asked for is another challenge, one never wants to intrude, but at times I have been compelled to say things and have found myself unable to stop. There are times I question what I know logically, I am my greatest skeptic and critic and as a result I have learnt and proved to myself and now have the courage of my convictions. My lesson was not to hesitate and to trust myself. The 'gift' should be used wisely and with caution, like other gifts, we may be privy to information that is not ready to be shared. That's when intuition plays its part, there are times when the need to say something is overwhelming and somehow I have to figure the best way to deliver the message without intruding. Understanding the gift helps part way to utilize it.

Ultimately like other 'gifts' we have free will to use them or let them lie dormant. The messages are channeled directly not through a spirit or guides, that's why I am more certain and there is no need for interpretation. Claircognizance comes with a great responsibility like the other gifts, this one more so as the messages are factual rather than probable or possible outcomes.

Wisdom guides us, knowing if, how or when to say anything. At times, just knowing is not enough.

Fearing the Doubt

The longer I remain on the rocky path that I apparently 'chose', I face doubt and uncertainty each morning. Do I believe we decide on our path before we incarnate? Well it would make sense and when I ask the question I am given the answer, 'You asked and planned for these challenges.' Yes, there is an ambitious part of me that I can believe would make such plans, however I curse myself and only have myself to blame. The more I try to plan and rationalize things, the more gets taken away from me. So much so I try not to plan so as not to get disappointed.

Whilst I can see others possible futures, my own is clouded not only from me but other readers. Many cannot read me and what they tell me is that when I am ready I will be shown! I will put up my hand up and I at times look for the short cut and someone to guide me, reluctant to make choices when I don't know what is the best for me. I am an earth sign and have an idealistic vision of stability and security, however both were taken away from me as I learn to live without. Without what people ask? More or less everything, I occasionally have a roof over my head, I have food and clothing and just me – even my friends have drifted away and I am left with memories of people I once shared my life with and made plans with.

Now it's just me, I have to make choices, conflicted I want to do the 'right' thing but what is the right thing? I have to trust and listen to my instinct, but it's hard when you have been conditioned in the materialistic world to let it all go. Should I abandon the spiritual path and get a corporate job again and live a disingenuous life filled with hypocrisy and dishonesty? I know if I tried, The Powers That Be would just take it away again so do I actually have any choice or free will? Free will to test out the theory? Well it already happened and I was despondent and felt out of control. I could try again, but I fear the same will happen or is just my bad luck or imagination? I asked if I could quit, but this not a job you can quit or get redundancy. Once the switch is turned to on, it remains there. That in itself is daunting, but I have to accept and embrace my new way of life. I can never have what I used to – I don't need it, but I ask what kind of life I am I to have instead? That scares me; yes I have choices, but are they really mine or just another test to see if I choose correctly.

Sometimes it's exhausting trying to do the right thing and I try to let go and do whatever comes to me. As a born organizer that in itself is difficult, not having a plan or control. I fear my doubt, what others may think and that I have failed myself. Many thought I needed to get things out of my system in other words I would fail and I was chasing a pipe dream by leaving my life to write a book on spiritual awakening and soul evolution. Were these people actually friends? When you have doubts and your inner fears hold you back the last thing you need are friends telling you that you are foolish and making a mistake.

It was hard but I listened to 'me' and had faith. It is not arrogance for there will always be a small whisper in the back of mind asking what am I doing? Learning to trust myself has and still is a difficult lesson. I fight myself each day to be the best person I can be. I have good days full of hope and bad days when I can barely see any light. Having faith is like riding a bike for the first time without stabilizers, you're scared but have to do it eventually. You wobble and sometimes fall but you get back on and carry on.

# Meeting Others

It is lonely not being able to talk things through with others. Online forums and chat helps, but even then its hard, what did others do before the internet? I signed up for some meetups, but I read the descriptions and people want to meet up to meditate which I don't do and read for each other which again I don't do (I see it more of a competition rather than honing skills). I take a different viewpoint, reading someone without their permission is wrong, only if it is to protect yourself from them is it acceptable. I remember reading a friends palm and I told her something, which she later told me was true but she had never told anyone. I never meant to upset her and ever since I am cautious about what I reveal.

The few spiritual people I have met have different ways of seeing and doing things. I guess I was looking more for a therapy group where you can air your frustrations. I cannot be the only one frustrated? The online forums are a double-edged sword; there are some with good advice and genuine members and others that have people who think they are spiritual or dish out negativity and poor advice. I am all for sharing, but yes there are some crazy people out there. Sometimes you read things and it makes things worse, yes an online forum can have negative energy. At first when someone said they stayed away because of the negative energy, I grinned, but they were right! Writing down negative comments does create bad energy so it was easier not to see them. Coupled with some questionable theories and questions I find people are looking for an easy way out. Yes, there are online arguments, but it's more about people wanting to say they have channeled via this angel so it must be right.

I even visited a spiritual community and tried to live there. One of the visitors said I was the only spiritual person there. The intent was there and people had the spiel, but it was an experience of discovering what is not spiritual. Maybe I was trying and looking too hard, I mean Spirit is all around us, I just thought if I was around other like minded people it would help me grow and I could learn without the confusion. Instead my energy was zapped by all the faux spirituality and negativity and again I questioned Spirit as to why I was there. The current trend appears to shamanism, how many people I met who told me they were shamans and shamanic practitioners. Again I smile, I am drawn to knowing more but the drumming is not for me, yet my Dark Soul of the Night is more like a shamanic initiation. I'm still on pause; a true shaman they say is hereditary. Not many know I have Siberian Russian ancestors. I am not a shaman, I may have shamanic abilities and tendencies but I still waver on accepting that path – but is it my destiny or part of it? I guess there is no step by step guide, but it's not a choice either unlike others who seem to consciously take that step. Instead I fight it whilst others embrace and search for it. Some maybe envious, but the loneliness is part of this journey and that's within.

All my life I have been alone, sometimes it is too much and there I times I crave being alone when the superficiality is too much for me to observe. I haven't met anyone like myself yet. Yes, I have visited other readers, some were healers, witches, voodoo priests, shamans and others had lets say limited abilities but no one I can identify with. My akashic reader has been the most accurate so far, but she reaffirmed what I knew and what I preferred to ignore. I did learn form her, that I had the answers but I just didn't want to acknowledge them, that also I have work to do. I never look to help people – to honest I could do with a break, but they appear unwittingly into my life unexpected but not unwanted. I am finally getting used to it, but I still get caught unaware – but that's just how it is!

About the author

A bit about me...

I love history and chocolate; I loathe hypocrisy and injustice.

I enjoy travelling and books; I detest bad manners and superficiality.

I was born in England but guided back to New England to sort out some past life issues, which I am still working on. I used to be a model, make-up artist and teacher. Currently living wherever I am guided to go...

I have been guided to write a series of books on spiritual awakening and enlightenment with the help of my guides (Legends of the Lockstones). It has helped me put things into focus and made me look at things from a different perspective and I hope it will help others on their own journey. My aim is to carry on writing; discussing theories and interpretations (tarot and channeling) and one day open a spiritual retreat and center where people can develop, learn and be free from negativity and able to nurture their soul.

I don't really call myself anything but I read palms and tarot cards, using instinct. I guess you could call it spiritual mentoring or coaching which is like spiritual therapy, which is one way I help heal by advising and trying to make sense of things. I am empathic, I channel, I have premonitions and I question!

To follow my journey, adventures, contact me or to share your experiences you can find me on:

Website

http://www.stalvyn.com

Twitter

https://twitter.com/VisionaryFict

Blog:

http://stalvyn.wordpress.com

Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/VisionaryMusings

Read on for an extract of the forthcoming novel

Awakened – on the Path to the Purple Door

_(_ Legends of the Lockstones Saga)

Back in the era where magick influenced victory and power; Merlin was aided by _The Wise Counsel of Three_ who rescued him from the dark powers. In return they were bequeathed the powers of manifestation and foresight that would intensify with each generation. One of those families' remains today – the Lockstones, now known as the Luxtons. The sole surviving power of the ancient times has been a target for the dark agents for centuries as the fate of the legacy of the Lockstones falls upon teenager Thea Luxton hidden for her own safety in Lyme, New Hampshire. Follow her journey as she begins to awaken to her legacy.

#  43°48′37″N 72°09′22 W – The Connecticut River

'That's everything I need right now.' Thea murmured to herself, as the final box was jammed into the car. Inhaling the breeze of the air of the White Mountains and the foliage that dominated the small town of Lyme, it had been all she had known in her 17 years. Glancing around she smiled, she was a little scared but excited too and the move wasn't definite by any means.

"It's not goodbye, it's see you soon!" she whispered to Kelley.

Taking several deep breaths, she trembled as she held back the tears. The reality of leaving the safety of the small town where she knew everyone was actually happening. Many a time, she and Kelly had made elaborate plans for escaping Lyme and New Hampshire to the city where they could buy the clothes, shoes and bags they saw in _Seventeen_ , see the latest movies and art exhibitions and sample the latest cooking trends they watched on the food network. New Haven, well it wasn't New York but it still had a lot more than Lyme. It was infuriating, in six months, she would be officially an adult and able to make her own choices rather than the law and others deciding where and who she could live with.

"Sometimes we have to do what we need to rather than what we want to in life." Arthur told her in an attempt to calm her down and explain why life isn't fair but to learn to deal with it the best way we can.

It had been the best solution and the only legal one available. The compromise was to appease the authorities, attorneys and to protect Marina her official guardian from prosecution.

***

Life in Lyme had been easy; laws were adapted to suit the community, and everyone looked out for each other, it was too small a place to harbor resentment.

Arthur Marks owned the _White Mountain Book Caves_ and had spent more than half a decade in the small town; he had been Theas landlord, employer, surrogate grandfather and friend since she could remember. During her entire life she had taken his presence for granted when she was locked out, needed extra shifts to earn money, when she fell out with her mother and needed a shoulder to cry on and especially when she wanted to runaway from home, he had always been there.

"Now, I have left a list of how to do everything and my number is on speed dial on the cellphone and landline if you aren't sure of anything," she reminded him for the third time.

With the technological revolution she had helped set up his email accounts, websites, social media and devised a system for online sales. Naturally she could still control and maintain most things remotely but she enjoyed talking to Arthur and discussing and making decisions with him. It wasn't going to be the same; she was more concerned with how he would cope.

"Changes happens and you have to learn to adapt, you can't stay in Lyme forever." His wise words gave her a modicum of peace that she was going with his blessing.

Arthur had watched her grow from infancy into a young woman, over the years he listened to her dreams, her frustrations, teenage temper tantrums and guided and provided a haven for whenever she wanted to runaway from home. It was now time for her to go, he knew it would be inevitable but not in the manner it had happened. He had done the best he could and hoped his old friend was proud.

Deep down Thea had an eerie feeling she would not be returning; she would miss her friends and the neighborhood spirit that she grew up with. Her stomach churned at the thought, she had longed to escape the insular nature of Lyme but it had provided her with a virtual security blanket throughout her childhood. If anything growing up in a small town had grounded her and instilled a moral ethic where people did look out for one another, something lacking in the bigger cities.

Lukas Wilde had become her daily contact over the last six weeks; it was a result of his actions that had lead to the outcome of Theas present situation and he felt morally bound to ensure her safety and happiness. Overseeing her departure was not closure by any means as yet, but a mere stepping-stone to a new life and he was determined to support and fight for her to enable her to make her own decisions. His father Samuel had been responsible for Elizabeth Marsh's will and its contents were a surprise to him let alone Thea.

Small towns keep secrets well, everyone knows them but no one actually talks about them and were ideal places to start afresh and escape the past and city life.

***

Elizabeth Marsh had arrived in Lyme, New Hampshire in 1994; widowed with an infant, no one asked any questions if she was escaping something but knew it was more than likely. Lyme was a perfect place to lie low and live off the grid and start again; everyone deserves a second chance after all. No one asked about her past, all that was known was that her husband had been killed in a hit and run and she wanted to leave the area as the memories were too painful. Her story garnered sympathy as she blended into the community with ease, taking a job working in the local library and eventually the local High School. As a child she had visited the White Mountains on vacation and remembered how peaceful it was and how it would be an ideal hideout if she ran away from home and hid out in a cabin in the mountains. Being a young single parent in a new town was daunting enough, all she knew is that she had to protect Thea the best she could.

'This is what Alex would have wanted,' she convinced herself each day.

There were days she hesitated and wondered if she had done the wrong thing, but the town had a safe and nurturing atmosphere that overshadowed the nagging transient doubts. When she fell down the library steps and broke her leg, the town rallied around to help her not only with childcare but also with the day-to-day tasks of shopping and chores. In the hospital there was no record of a next of kin, and the doctors and nurses urged Elizabeth to write a will for Theas sake. A will had not been high on her to do list as she had little at the time in assets, but they were right, if it had not been for the goodwill of neighborly friends taking turns to look after Thea, her daughter would have been handed over to child services. Marina, her lodger was only a few years younger than herself and had become a part time baby sitter in lieu of rent. The arrangement worked out well, she was the only person at the time she trusted, but was it too much to ask a 21 year old to become a guardian who she had known a few months? All she could do was ask, and despite her youth Marina agreed and both women had an understanding to re-evaluate things when circumstances changed for either of them.

Samuel Wilde was less than convinced of the improvised arrangement when both women showed up in his office, however his job was to merely carry out his clients wishes. Unlike city attorneys, Samuel Wilde had the townsfolk's best interests at heart advising freely. Not wishing to pry, but knowing the system he enquired of the existence of any of Theas blood relatives. Illustrating the worst case scenario should Marina or another appointed guardian was unable to fulfill their duties making Elizabeth rethink. It wasn't a scare tactic, but Samuel believed in as many alternative plans as feasibly possible and persuaded his clients to consider and put them on paper. Elizabeth listened; he seemed genuine and concluded their meeting by agreeing to look into viable family members. His office walls had held many of the towns' secrets and the majority remained that way. Later that day Elizabeth returned with an envelope of documents asking him to safeguard them and would only hand them over on the condition that they be only opened upon her death if Thea was still a minor and had no guardian. She had to trust him and relayed partial elements of her story that were relevant. Drafting a secondary will only to be opened in the absence of an appointed guardian and only if Thea was still a minor, Samuel sealed and filed it along with the documents she had brought with her and no more was said.

It had been difficult to write down Theas real name and the next of kin, Arabella Luxton, Aldous Luxton and Alice Luxton, she had wanted to forget the names, but she would rather Thea go to Arabella than become a ward of the state. She felt guilty too after all Arabella had done nothing wrong and was Alex's twin, even her mother- in-law Alice hadn't done anything drastic, but she did not want to or feel she had to explain herself to anyone. Arabella had been a friend and an ally and she regretted not saying a proper goodbye, but that would have thwarted her escape and Arabella would have talked her out of leaving. Like her brother she had intensely charming verbal powers of persuasion, she had deserved better and hoped and believed Arabella would understand

# 10:10 – Alpha Omega

New beginnings can only start when a phase ends. A door has to close before a new one can open. Sometimes that ending can be dramatic and traumatic and other times the old and new blend together seamlessly.

_Destiny_ is _Fates_ master, intervening and making welcome and at times unwelcome appearances. We may question it, but ultimately events are out of our control.

***

Nothing could have predicted the happenings in a quiet corner of New Hampshire on May 28 2011. It was Memorial Day weekend and most people were getting ready for the national holiday, as was the Marsh household. Thea had a round of parties to attend whilst Elizabeth was stocking up on provisions for their own barbeque that weekend. The weather was hot and humid as Thea relaxed with her friends, studying in the garden. They had a typical teenage daughter mother relationship; one fighting for freedom and the other holding on to a child who would soon leave home. Text messaging was useful in avoiding direct communication and arguments, as their relationship became one of single word or single sentence texts.

Elizabeth was quietly terrified of Thea leaving, knowing that she would ask questions she did not want to answer. The household was tense and Marina was their savior acting as mediator, peacemaker, confidante and big sister all in one maintaining a harmonious atmosphere over the years. Change was imminent for all and it was disconcerting.

Thea lay outstretched in Kelley's garden that had become a haven from the homestead where any verbal exchanges turned into Armageddon. Her phone beeped, only one person would text or call at this hour so she ignored it. Another two beeps followed consecutively, as Thea opened one eye and half-heartedly reached out patting the ground to find her phone. It was her mother following the same pattern, texting then texting straight again with something else she had forgotten to say. She begrudgingly replied with a 'yes' to get it out of the way.

"She wants me home tonight to help prepare for the barbeque tomorrow – want to come?"

"I'll think about it," Kelley murmured.

The hostile environment at the Marsh household was uncomfortable and even the presence of guests made little difference to how mother and daughter interacted. The slight breeze made sitting outside in the hazy sunshine bearable, they took turns to read scenes from _Twelfth Night_. They had been to Dartmouth to see a performance the previous week and it had inspired them to do their own version taking it in turns to be Malvolio adlibbing the dark comedic scenes. She dreaded going home and having to put on act for the forthcoming barbeque, still this time next year she would be getting ready for college. Anywhere to get out of New Hampshire, she longed to get away and experience city life. She had been accepted at NYU, Harvard and also Brown, but hadn't decided yet waiting to see where her friends would get accepted. The history field trip to Boston had inspired her seeing the choice of bars and restaurants on each block and Harvard Yard bustling and steeped in history, she could see herself there one day. Kelly predictably declined the sleep over at Theas; the mother and daughter duo needed space to resolve their conflicts and she drove her friend home dutifully before the 10:30 p.m. curfew. Avoiding any further ammunition was paramount.

The solar lights surrounding the porch dimly flickered as Thea entered an eerily silent and dark house. Usually the radio was on and the lights were on in the kitchen at the very least. Calling out to announce her return home, she heard her own echo resound down the hallway. Checking each room, she double-checked her phone, but there were no more messages or voicemails from her mother since the morning. Perplexed, she saw Arthurs light was still on next door, she could be there and toyed with either going over or just going to bed. Anxious to avoid any further arguments, she erred on the side of caution and went over to her neighbor, employer and surrogate grandfather. It was more like a second home and was a haven for both Marsh women. Arthur Marks never took sides but calmed each down with his patient set of ears and gave sanctuary almost weekly and at times several times a day to both of them. She gave a customary knock on the door as she walked in calling out to Arthur; she was so much more at home and comfortable at his home than her actual home.

"I'm in the kitchen," he called out getting an extra mug for her.

It was hot chocolate hour, even during the summer months it was an unwinding ritual and had become part of her childhood growing up, now she felt she was getting too old for it but knew Arthur enjoyed the company and indulged him. Sitting on the back porch she gave animated accounts of the past couple of days from the latest gossip at school, to her potential summer plans that were bound to be thwarted by her mother.

"Have you seen her today by the way?" suddenly remembering why she had come over.

"She left to go grocery shopping early; asked if I needed anything and I haven't seen her since," a chill passed over him, as he spoke.

For Elizabeth this was unusual in the 16 years he had known her she had never not been home for her child or made arrangements. They both looked at each other with a still and heavy silence. Guilt and fear churned in Theas stomach. Arthur broke the silence telling her not worry and decided to call the police and hospitals to check as a precaution, as he turned his back on her he sighed. It was something he had been dreading but knew something like this would have happened somehow. Even if you know 'things', it can never prepare you for the eventuality.

Thea started calling her mothers friends, chiding herself for not starting earlier. She re-read her mothers last text messages, which she had not got around to deleting retracing her footsteps that day. There was a solemn look on Arthurs face as she met his gaze.

"There was a flash flood in Hanover this afternoon near the river and some cars were swept away, she didn't go to Hanover today did she?" he asked hesitantly with a slight tremble in his voice.

"Shopping in White River Junction I think?" she whispered.

The police in Hanover read out the affected cars descriptions and license plates, without having to confirm with Thea the silver Camry R46988 he already knew it was Elizabeth's car.

'At present there are no survivors, we are trying to retrieve personal items to identify...'

Arthur stopped listening and dropped the phone. Seeing his reaction, Thea started hyperventilating and threw herself into the nearest flowerbed. Lying on the grass, she threw up, as the blades stuck to her face. She wanted to cry and to cry out but nothing came out, as her breathing became short and fast. Arthur knelt beside her and gently held her, she hugged him back so tightly looking up the stars that lit up the sky, shining in the humid still night air, the moment was surreal digging her nails into her palms and wishing she was in a nightmare.

Acknowledgements

My journey would not have got as far as it has without the support of those around me:

Thank you Leejay, Mary, Peggy, Ann and Dave, Anna (Maverick), Frankie, Virginia, Geddi and Sarah for giving me faith and support when I embarked on this voyage.

To my family in NYC, May, Kenny, Anita, Shirley, Maya and Ty for being sturdy anchors!

To my Salem family, Stella, Sara, Thom and Demitrius for inspiring and keeping the faith.

Along the way, I have found friends and support in unexpected places;

Nattles, you are an amazing source of inspiration and a wealth of knowledge.

Jan, I miss you and your coffee; your white beanie was a symbol of hope when things appeared dark.

Root, I never said goodbye because I know our paths will cross again.

Dan, for showing me I still have much to learn.

Kerry and Amigo, for being amazing friends and enlightening me in ways I never expected.

Sharon, Cricket, Magic and Milo who are on their own journey.

Kate and George who give me strength and hope with each step I take.

Jill and Pat at the winter writer's retreat.

Lastly B.B and N.H who have been with me on this journey watching and guiding me.

Thank you!
