Relationships are complex and sometimes confusing,
because humans are. We’re unpredictable,
we’re annoying, we don’t always know what
we’re doing or what we want. And then we’re
supposed to merge with another person of this
species and have it all work together seamlessly.
We’ll be getting into all of that.
So, I’ve found that most videos I see on
the topic of relationships focus on things
to be aware of in the other person, and not
so much things to be aware of within ourselves.
And it’s easy to point fingers on others;
the things that we expect from them, the things
we want from them, the things that are wrong
with them.
How about the things with you? And with me?
I want to focus on both, because they’re
equally important, and I specifically want
to focus on three ideas or things or whatever
to call it, that I’ve come to learn. Those
things are:
1) Be honest from the beginning 2) Don’t
commit to potential; and 3) Endings are not
failures.
This is going to be a chit-chatty video. We’re
just hanging out. Two friends. You and I.
You all seem to enjoy the previous video I
did similar to this one, and I really enjoyed
making it so here we are.
So, what do I mean by being honest from the
beginning?
We’re animals. We see a potential mate and
we do what we can to attract them. We may
not puff out our chest or lift our arms up
like some other species do. Instead, we try
to look and behave our very best, as one should.
We all like to see someone put in the effort.
But there’s a difference between putting
your best foot forward and putting a foot
forward that isn’t even yours.
How can a person be honest?
Honesty isn’t about spilling all the tea
about your family drama and your bad habit
of leaving socks on the floor or your childhood
bullies, all on the first date. It’s simply
about not deliberately censoring, manipulating
or exaggerating your true self in order to
make yourself seem more desirable by pretending
to be someone or something you really aren’t.
So, to provide an example, when you meet someone
or when you’re with someone, don’t be
like “I wake up at 6 every morning and go
for a run and then I go to the animal shelter
and volunteer for two hours” if you don’t
do that. Don’t tell someone you’re a chocolate
person when in reality you prefer vanilla.
Don’t pretend to be a social butterfly when
you’re really a homebody. Don’t say you’re
okay with smoking and alcohol if you’re
not, or that their busy work schedule isn’t
going to be a problem, if it is.
So as you can see, the honestly train goes
both ways; don’t pretend to be something
that you aren’t, and don’t pretend to
be okay with what someone else is, if you
aren’t.
Why is it so important?
The foundation of a relationship, the tone,
the norm, the expectations, the boundaries—those
are usually set in the early stages. At least
the very core of it. And if those are based
on a false reality, eventually that façade
will fade, the mask will slip, and the relationship
will suffer, because suppressed desires and
ways of being tend to re-surface in one way
or the other. Perhaps in 5 months, or perhaps
two years into a relationship.
Now, if you feel like you can’t be honest
about who you are with someone, you either
a) need to work on yourself, and that includes
learning to simply accept yourself, to actually
become someone you’re proud to be honest
about being or b) you’re simply in the wrong
company.
The fuzzy thing about honesty is of course
that, while you might be fully committed to
it, there’s no way for you to know whether
or not the other person is. Some people will
be dishonest, they will lie. I think that’s
simply a reality that we need to accept. Just
don’t be one of those people, because they
always lose at the end.
Moving on to the second idea/lesson. So, what
do I mean by “don’t commit to potential”?
Sometimes, we pretend to be okay with something
that a person says or does or is, because
we’re hoping or expecting that that specific
attribute of theirs will change. And sometimes,
it can. For example, I’m not typically someone
who likes going out a lot, but if the person
I was with enjoyed going out more than I do,
there’s a chance I’d start enjoying it
more too. But I wouldn’t want them to commit
to the idea that someday I will. If I meet
someone who says they don’t ever want to
get married while I do, I shouldn’t commit
to the idea that one day they will change
their mind.
So, how do you avoid committing to potential?
You ask questions, and you honestly evaluate
the answers and the actions that follow.
Acknowledge someone’s true colors and decide
if their color palette matches with yours.
If it doesn’t, be honest, even if sucks
because it might go against what you had hoped
for.
Basically, don’t look for a project to turn
into a suitable partner. That doesn’t mean
that you should look for someone who is perfect
and that perfectly aligns with you from the
very start, because that’s not really what
reality looks like and we will get to that
later, but the person that you are today,
should align with the person that they are
today. You don’t align with who they could
be, or who you could be.
Now on that note, let’s talk about expectations
and compromise.
If you’re looking for someone who is going
to match every single one of your 100 bullet
point list of a dream mate, you’ll be searching
forever. And if you do happen to stumble upon
them, run.
There will always be things that could be
better. There will always be things that are
annoying. There will always be different perspectives
and opinions and ideas. There will always
be disagreements. Because we’re different
people.
Let’s say you’re 25 and you meet someone
who’s also 25. It means that you each are
bringing 25 whole years of experiences to
the table, that includes everything from your
childhood and your upbringing to every single
friendship and relationship each of you have
ever had and all the other things that make
up who we are. It’s a beautiful thing, but
it’s also complicated.
And this is where compromise comes in.
I think there’s a healthy kind of compromise
and an unhealthy kind of compromise. There’s
the compromise that is perfectly reasonable
and there is the compromise that is unreasonable.
The only people who ultimately decide what
those things are, are you and the person you’re
with.
Now, some people are very reluctant to compromise.
I call it under-compromise.
“I refuse to stop leaving my dirty socks
on the floor, it’s who I am, accept it or
leave it.” Or “I can’t remember to kiss
you goodnight every night even though I know
it would make you happy, I’m not that kind
of person.”
And then there are the people are too prone
to compromise, where they completely loose
themselves. I call it over-compromise.
“I’m going to stop talking to everyone
in my family so that I can spend all my time
with you.”
And I think what I’ve learned is that, in
any relationship, there will be times when
over-compromising is necessary. Someone might
get sick or lose their job or simply have
a few bad days. And there will also be times
when someone will under-compromise. Someone
might just not feel like it or they might
be going through something.
That’s what a relationship is; there will
be ups, there will be downs, there will be
highs, there will be lows.
And this brings me to my last point; endings
are not failures.
You know sometimes, things just end. It’s
part of life. Not all things are forever.
Does that mean we failed? You failed? They
failed? The relationship failed? Each to their
own, but that’s not how I see it.
Sometimes life gives us opportunities to learn
and to grow. And even to create memories and
stories. And we should do the best we can
to learn to embrace it, even if they come
in a way that we hadn’t expected or hoped
for.
On that note, let’s end this chat session
with a quote that I really, really like. It’s
by Emery Allen and it goes like this:
“Not everything is supposed to become something
beautiful and long-lasting. Sometimes people
come into your life to show you what is right
and what is wrong, to show you who you can
be, to teach you to love yourself, to make
you feel better for a little while, or to
just be someone to walk with at night and
spill your life to. Not everyone is going
to stay forever, and we still have to keep
on going and thank them for what they’ve
given us.”
That was all for today’s video.
