-Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
My name is Jimmy Fallon.
And these are the Roots,
right there.
-Whoo!
-Oh, yeah.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, everyone
is still buzzing
about Joe Biden
picking Kamala Harris
as his running mate.
It looks like they didn't
waste any time
hitting the campaign trail.
-Tonight the new
2020 Democrat ticket
making its debut.
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris
appearing together
for the first time
since she was selected
as his running mate.
-That's right, Biden and Harris
shared the stage
for the first time
since the debates.
You can tell Biden
hasn't forgotten,
'cause when Harris went in
for a handshake, he flinched.
[ Laughter ]
Yep, Biden and Harris appeared
at a high school in Delaware.
As soon as he heard that,
Trump was like,
"I'm closing all schools
immediately."
[ Laughter ]
That's right, today's event
was in Wilmington, Delaware,
which is timely because
the city's official motto
is actually, "Wilmington -- the
Zoom meeting room of cities."
[ Laughter ]
As of right now,
Biden and Harris
are up by 10 points
on Trump and Pence.
Just to rub it in,
at the end of their event,
they both moonwalked
down a ramp.
[ Laughter ]
Of course, once Joe Biden
announced Kamala Harris
as his running mate,
Trump couldn't wait to weigh in.
Here's what he had to say
about Harris
at a press conference
last night.
-She was very, very nasty.
She was very disrespectful
to Joe Biden.
And it's hard to pick somebody
that's that disrespectful.
-Yeah, unfortunately for Harris,
if you want well-wishes
from Trump,
you got to be in prison.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, in a new attack ad,
the Trump campaign
has already labeled them
Slow Joe and Phony Kamala.
And if you have
a slow-and-phony joke
that doesn't end with,
"Those used to be
Trump's nicknames
for Eric and Don Jr.,"
write to us at
the Tonight Show Writers,
30 Rockefeller Plaza,
New York, New York 10112.
And it's not just Trump
on the attack.
While speaking to a crowd
in Arizona yesterday,
Mike Pence welcomed Harris
to the race.
Listen to this.
-Let me take this opportunity
to welcome her to the race.
Y'all might like to know that
the vice presidential debate
is gonna be held
on October 7th in Utah.
So my message to the Democratic
candidate for vice president?
[ Laughter ]
Congratulations.
I'll see you in Salt Lake City.
[ Laughter ]
-Ew!
Ew!
-I'm pretty sure
that's the first time
a guy has tried
to intimidate someone
with the phrase, "I'll see you
in Salt Lake City."
[ Laughter ]
Never hear Joker tell Batman,
"And we're gonna settle this...
in Salt Lake City!"
[ Laughter ]
My Joker sounds
like Richard Dreyfuss.
[ Laughter ]
"We're gonna settle this
in Salt Lake City!"
[ Laughter ]
"Mr. Holland's Opus" --
no, I can't.
-Wait. How long did it take you
to work on that?
-That was what I thought
the Joker sounded like.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know.
"And we'll settle this
in Salt Lake City!"
[ Laughter ]
-That's spot-on!
-No.
The vice presidential debate
is in Utah?
Man, talk about a home-field
advantage for Pence, huh?
That's a lucky break.
[ Laughter ]
It's like it's being called back
to the white mothership.
[ Laughter ]
Feels like the election
is really started,
now that Joe Biden
and Kamala Harris
have hit the campaign trail
together.
Well, I guess, to compete
with all the attention
their appearance was getting,
Trump held his own address.
Take a look at this.
-Welcome, everyone,
to this very exciting,
very -- everyone's
very excited about this.
Look at Mike Pence.
He's very excited.
Everyone's excited.
Me and Mike are in the league,
and that's -- I'm -- I'm being
told that's a good thing.
It's a very good thing.
Mike's got what it takes.
Kamala, though --
Kamala didn't do well
in the primary,
as we all remember.
[ Sniffs ]
In fact, she was destroyed by
the much fiercer candidate --
a candidate I wouldn't want
to go up against -- Joe Biden.
He was very good against her.
Very good.
But, look, Joe Biden
is very weak.
And, look, anyone
could take him down.
Kamala could take him down.
She did very well against him
in the debates.
It's true.
Mike and I can't wait
to get out there.
We're campaigning everywhere,
from Yo-Semite National Park
to the banks of the mighty
Miss-Pee-Pee River,
to all the canyons --
Grand Canyon.
It's a very grand canyon,
Grand Cayman.
All the canyons and the Caymans
and the crayons.
People are calling me, saying,
"I've never seen
crayons like this.
Look at the colors --
indigo and maize.
Do they still have maize?
I always thought periwinkle
was an odd choice, periwinkle.
I would have called it
"light purple."
"Lurple."
Can we look into "lurple"?
Mike's gonna look into "lurple."
Y-You won't get lurple
with Kamala, folks.
You won't get lurple.
Unfair, [Sniffs] nasty,
[Sniffs] sleepy, [Sniffs]
phony, [Sniffs], unfair,
[Sniffs] nasty,
[Sniffs] sleepy, [Sniffs]
phony [Sniffs].
Ah-choo!
But we're gonna win every state
in November --
California, New York,
beautiful Thigh-land.
I love Thigh-land.
Has a beautiful capital --
earmuffs --
Bangkok.
I didn't want you to hear
"Bangkok."
Anyway, folks,
that's enough from me.
I think it's time we heard
from the man himself.
Mike, the floor is yours.
-Ew. Hope he's okay.
Yeah, Trump is everywhere.
Last night, he called in
to Fox News
to chat with Sean Hannity.
At one point,
he started complaining
about mail-in voting.
Listen to what he said.
-This whole thing
with this mail-in ballot,
that's a rigged election
waiting to happen.
It's rigged, and
everyone knows it.
Because you can't send out
60 million mail-in ballots.
Who knows who's getting them?
The mailmen are gonna get them,
and people are just gonna
grab batches of them.
And you talk about China
and Russia,
they'll be grabbing
plenty of them.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Usually -- Usually,
when an old man
starts accusing people
of stealing the mail,
it's time to put Grandpa down
for his nap.
[ Laughter ]
I guess, three months from now,
the Russians will be like,
"Ugh, so many
Pottery Barn catalogs.
Why do we keep sending?
Oh, that's a good deal."
[ Laughter ]
Trump turned into that guy
who calls in
to a sports radio show
every morning,
and the host can't get him
off the line.
He's like, "[Chuckles]
Alright, okay, Chuck, okay.
We got to take another call.
Alright.
Hey, focus on driving, Chuck."
[ Laughter ]
Well, guys,
one of the big things
everyone's talking about
right now
is reopening of schools.
And I heard that contact tracing
will be a big part
or reducing COVID in classrooms.
Here to comment is
East Ridge County eighth grader
Riley Spellman.
Hi, Riley.
Thank you for being here.
So, you're starting up school
in the fall.
DO you think contact tracing
will actually work?
-Oh, for sure, Jimmy.
I'm not worried.
-Okay, I got it.
Well, I thought it'd be fun
if we just practiced
maybe a little right now.
So, Riley,
other than your family,
can you tell us
who you've been in contact with
in the last week?
-No one. Just my family.
-Really? That's great.
I guess that shows how easy --
-Oh, and Ashley M.
-Oh, Ashley M. Okay.
-But she doesn't count.
She's my BFF, so she's
basically like family.
-Well, no, actually,
technically, she's not family.
But that's fine.
So all we have to do
for contact tracing
is call Ashley M.,
and we'd be good.
-Although I saw
on Ashley M.'s finsta
that she got froyo
with Brian L.
-Got froyo. Okay. Well, okay.
-And I know he saw Emma R. --
not the one from our school,
the one from
Southbrook Middle --
because they a TikTok together.
And, TPH, it was cringe.
Plus, Emma went to the park
with Cooper.
I mean, they wore masks, obs.
But Cooper does
this really funny thing
where he puts his mask
over his chest like a bra.
So I think that counts
as contact.
-Uh, y-yeah, that
definitely does count.
Is -- Is that it, right there?
-Yes. Actually, no.
Because Cooper and Kiley
for sure hung out,
because, high-key, she told me
she wants to get with him
before school starts.
Problem is, Kiley
is still dating Dustin,
whose brother licks poles.
-Uh, what?
-And so Dustin is, "Y'okay,"
that Kiley wants to H.U. Cooper.
Anyway, I'm sure
none of this matters.
But -- ugh -- sorry
for the tea overload.
But, like, yeah. [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter ]
-Um, a-actually,
all of this matters, Riley,
because this is
what contact tracing is.
-Ohhh.
Well, yeah,
this will never work.
-Riley Spellman, everyone.
Uh, put your hands together.
-I don't think that's enough.
-And it still counts. Just...
Let's get to some business news,
everyone.
I saw that Burger King
is now making face masks
with orders printed on them,
so that...
[ Laughs ]
So that customers
don't have to speak.
Check this. Look at these.
That's to order, right there,
yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Maybe Burger King
is onto something.
Unfortunately, it doesn't quite
work as well as CVS --
"hemorrhoid cream
and wart remover."
[ Laughter ]
And finally --
this is pretty funny --
a Tennessee woman received
her driver's license
with just a picture
of an empty chair.
Take a look at this.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, the chair
saw the photo
and was like, "Damn it!
I blinked!"
[ Laughter ]
The good news is,
if she gets pulled over,
she can just ditch the car
and leave her license
on the seat.
