 
### Hello Soulmate

Copyright 2016

Hello Soulmate by Faith Anna

www.faithbrownonline.com

All rights reserved.

The contents of this book may not be reproduced, transmitted, or distributed in any part or by any means without the prior written consent of the author and/or publisher.

Disclaimer: All character names and personalities in this work of fiction are entirely fictional, created solely in the imagination of the author. Hello Soulmate is a work of fiction and businesses, locations, and organizations while real are used in a way that is purely fictional.

Graphic Design by Truevined http://www.truevined.com

## Chapter One

When I turned 34, I decided I had spent too much time dilly-dallying and hurting. I accepted that I was responsible for my own happiness and for making my dreams come true. Those far-fetched goals I called daydreams were actually worth pursuing. I figured that I could live my dreams if I embraced change. I could indeed live my dreams. Acting on the new-found impetus, I applied for an internally advertised position in my organization and got the job. I was going back to the United States.

Along with another colleague, I was on a job transfer from Pretoria, South Africa to Minot, North Dakota. I was in communications while June was in finance. Many refugees from Africa were settling in Minot which made it difficult for the local Peace Institute staff to cope. The opening could not have come at a better time. I was barely keeping my excitement in check. Although Canadians, my parents and I had lived in Sioux Falls, South Dakota since I was fifteen. My dad had worked at the Royale Bank, USA until his retirement. After my dad died a decade ago, my mom moved into a retirement home in Brookings.

Minot was not that far – it was just the neighbouring state. But it made no difference since I was an orphan. My mom had died two years ago. I was never the same after that. I wished she had lived to be at least 90. We had never been close to the few relatives we had and I had no intention of pursuing a closer relationship with them after my parents were gone.

My mom was forty when she got pregnant with me. They had given up hope of having a baby. I was an only child but my parents never spoiled me. They brought me up to be a strong, independent woman. My parents had encouraged me to follow my dreams and that was what I did. I regretted that my single-minded focus on career had deprived them of grandchildren.

A voice sneaked up to my conscious reminding me that it was not too late to have a child. After all, women in their forties (like my mom) and early 50's had successful pregnancies and deliveries. Didn't Halle Berry have a baby at 47 and it was hardly newsy? I entered into dialogue with the voice, reminding it that I needed a man to form an equation.

One snag in my 'it is not too late to be a mother' theory was the fact that I found it difficult getting emotionally involved with men. Being the stereotypical romantic, I must be swept off my feet to allow even a close embrace or smooching. In the past, I'd had a few flings – mere infatuations that lasted a couple of months. I knew the first guy when I was in my second year of college and the other when I was about leaving college. Actually, I only went on a date with each of them. After they had paid for dinner, I was not willing to reciprocate with even a goodnight kiss. That was it. End of story.

Time had done a fast forward on me and I found myself 'in my thirties'. I still remember how scared I had been of turning the much talked about 30. When the day arrived, I felt nothing. Happy? Sad? Excited? Scared? No; nothing. Truth be told: it was more like numb.

That was five years ago.

As time continued to race, I began to see myself as a nun in camouflage or perhaps without vocation. Perhaps I had become a hermit. Everyone assumed I had a boyfriend and I did not bother telling anyone the truth. But what was the truth? Was I an ice princess? Did I always find reasons to discourage men from getting close to me? It was unfair to label every man as mean. I wished I did not reject men so forthrightly. I did not believe in toying with emotions. I did not even know how to. But being so blunt was getting me nowhere and TIME was a merciless taskmaster. Sometimes, I wished my Mom had taught me how to 'handle men' – you know, it was a skill many women possessed. Perhaps she had not known how to either – Genes... DNA: such a sticky, tricky thing. You could never run from it. I never had 'wild' and sophisticated friends; perhaps I would have learned a thing or two from such friends.

The Continental Airline plane touched the ground, bringing me back to the present.

We arrived at the Minot Airport. I thought it was called 'International' but it was really small. June and I went through customs and then walked towards the arrival area where a few people were waiting. As we scanned the crowd, a woman walked towards us, beaming.

"Hi Erin! Hi June!" I guessed that was Lisa – the personal assistant to the Director in the Minot Office of the Peace Institute. She had informed us that she would be meeting us at the airport.

My colleague June and I walked towards her. The small space seemed crowded.

"Glad to see you made it. I'm Lisa." She welcomed us genially and then turned to the man beside her. "By the way, I want you two to meet one of our heads. Michael, meet June and Erin." Lisa was friendly and genuinely happy to see us – not the 'I'm just doing my job' kind.

"Nice meeting you, Michael." That was June. I felt the usual reticence with strangers but managed "Hi".

Michael shook our hands. "Welcome to Minot. Nice to meet you both."

As I looked into Michael's eyes, my heart missed a beat. His eyes held me spellbound. I couldn't tell why but they were the most attractive eyes I had seen. And that smile... oh my gosh! I could not explain the feeling. I was confused. Usually I did not give men a second look and so rarely remembered faces after a couple of casual meetings. Also, I had always considered myself a social misfit. Often, I would be in a social environment and not be able to engage people in conversation. That day was no exception but that did not stop the strange feeling that came over me as Michael smiled at me. He had a boyish smile that was innocent and honest – almost shy – but nonetheless disarming. Then I became irritated by it. Here's another hypocritical clown, I thought. Giving his signature smile to impress but privately he must be horrible as a partner. He had his hands in his pocket so, I could not tell whether he was married or not.

As we stood, the others chatted. I could hardly get a word in. Not that I wanted to, anyway. I was habitually silent and allowed others to dominate conversations. It was normal for me. The strange feeling made me lose my tongue all together. I used the opportunity to observe Michael. He was tall. Be careful, cautioned the silent voice I thought I had abandoned in Africa. I conceded the curt words of caution. It must have been Dick's height that attracted me to him and look where it got me. But that was history.

Michael was tall and well-built like he worked out. His hair was beginning to gray giving him a striking appearance. It was also over grown making him look slightly untidy and the balding middle prominent. I put his age at mid-forties. He had a finely chiseled nose. His lips were almost too thin.

Almost? What's wrong with me? When did I become an expert in describing men? In high school I could not even write one good descriptive essay in spite of being the best student in every English class I took. Only my teachers knew my weak point. Luckily, they had not capitalized on it. There had always been alternative essay questions to choose from. After college, I had taken a professional writing course to make up for my inadequacies.

I wished I could slow my thoughts as they swiveled from one unrelated thing to another.

Michael was wearing a green short sleeve cotton shirt that blended with his healthy skin. His hazel eyes looked kind and piercing all at once. It was like he was trying to see into my soul when he occasionally spoke to me but in a discreet way. That might explain why I did not feel violated in the least.

Although he was facing me all the time, he appeared oblivious to my stare. He often looked my way and gave me a friendly smile. Yeah, he was either a womanizer or a naïve man who was unaware of his good looks. Before I could swing the pendulum of character analysis towards any subjective angle, Lisa broke into my thoughts.

"Erin, the car is over there. You'll be staying at the Grand International for a couple of weeks." She went on to explain as we walked towards the exit that it was on North Broadway, not far really.

As Michael left, Lisa spoke to someone on her cell phone and a couple of minutes later, a minivan stopped at the curb. The driver, who I assumed was PI staff, hefted our luggage into the back of the van. We got in with Lisa and soon were driving into the town. As I looked at the scenery and then houses, I marveled at how quiet the town was. The traffic was light. There was only a handful of people about although it was afternoon.

As the van turned towards a big, cream building, I was drawn to the flags flying at full mast. The American flag and the Canadian flag side by side made sense since there were Canadian borders not too far away. The Canadian provinces of Saskatchewan and Manitoba happened to be our neighbors. I contemplated the possibility of visiting Winnipeg and Regina sometime.

As I showered and got ready for bed, those hazel eyes kept haunting me. Get a grip, girl. What's his name? Yeah, Michael. He might have looked attractive but he probably was also a Casanova. I had no business thinking about him. Nonetheless, I kept wondering why he affected me the way he did.

By the way, did I mention that I was married? Actually, it should be separated since divorce proceedings were yet to begin. It was such a relief to be able to blank out that part of my life for a while. I must say that the entire trip was the longest stretch of time I had gone without thoughts of my marital predicament.

## Chapter Two

Dick and I had lived in the same house in Pretoria until I left to take up the job in Minot. Some people called that the modern day marriage but I thought of it as hell on earth. We were not respectful of each other. When we were not at each other's throat, we were icy, frosty cold regardless of mode of communication.

I was a willing prisoner in my marriage and home. It had been that way for a long, long time. But it had not always been that way. There had been some peace and quiet at the beginning. However, they did not last long enough to leave any positive impact or happy memories.

I got engaged to Dick a year after I left college though I had known him for less than a year. I guess I should have taken the warning signs seriously. He would never apologize for offending me but would rather nag and sulk. He was so restless that even if he was sick he would still find somewhere to go. At a point, I stopped begging him to stay home sometimes. I thought socializing with others would make him happy and so nicer to me when he got back. I was wrong. His nagging and narcissism became so horrendous that I never stopped blaming myself for being deceived by his charm.

Since I was not materialistic, I did not mind that he was struggling financially when we met. His family was very poor and that must have given him such a complex that he always tried to make people see him as rich and successful. He literally walked with a chip on his shoulder. The world did not owe anyone anything. That was what I wanted to say to him but restrained myself. On many occasions, his arrogance had embarrassed me but he was so thick-skinned and delusional he acted like everyone was in awe of him. What had drawn me to such a man? It was a question I had asked myself several times. How easily you forget: his height and charm. No need to remind me that I am superficial. I know it. Stereotypical attractiveness was at the forefront of my deal breakers and boy, did I suffer for it.

Right from the start of the marriage, I could never do anything to please his overblown ego. Talking about himself in glowing terms was his favorite past-time. To keep the peace, I had to dance to his every whim and accept that he was never wrong. Even when the truth was staring him in the face, he would still insist he was right. He would spend the whole day trying to prove he was right. He should have been a lawyer. I agreed with the inner voice without hesitation.

For years, Dick kept all the money we earned and decided how we spent it. When I disagreed over any monetary decision, he over-ruled me reminding me to be a submissive Christian wife. Whenever we quarreled, he would refuse to give me any money. Before I cut off from all my friends, I had sometimes relied on them when I needed money for basic necessities. That went on for some time until one day I could not take it any longer. I went to my employers and arranged for my salary to be paid into a personal account I opened at a different bank. As expected, he raised hell but I stood my ground. Consequently, he began to contribute very little to monthly expenses since I had 'grown wings'. So I began to pay for most of our grocery shopping and still contributed fifty percent to bills payment. When I went to the stores and saw clothes that would look good on him, I bought them from my salary. Without exaggeration, almost all good clothes and underwear that he had, I bought.

Initially, it never bothered me that he was not buying anything for me at all. I knew that whatever good I did I would be blessed in return even when the recipient was unappreciative. Due to my upbringing, I never took money Dick left around, even small change. He kept money where I would see that he had it but I would never touch it. Having to carry so much of the financial weight put unbearable pressure on me; I had to depend on my single source of income: my salary. At that point, I began to suspect that I had married and was living with a sadist.

It was not until my graduate course that I began to understand that Dick had a serious personality disorder. I was taking a psychology class and the professor had given us an assignment that required our reading an article by Brenda Branson titled 'Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde'. Brenda's article made me see that nothing was wrong with me and that I should stop blaming myself for Dick's behavior. That article was an eye opener for me: I was married to a misogynist.

Honestly, the thought of Dick made me angry. I used to feel sorry for him but that was a long time ago. Dick was so controlling that he claimed to know everything better than I did, even things I had taught him. It got to a point that I was fed up being a zombie. From then on, there was nothing we did not disagree over. As days, weeks, months and years went by, his knack for nagging increased. It was hell living with him.

"Do you know that I'm a well-known man? I can do whatever I want to you and you can't do anything about it."

I knew to be silent and not get into it with him.

He continued. "Look at you! You think you're so great because everyone says you're smart and beautiful. There are women more beautiful than you out there that would be glad to be my wife."

I wish you would get one of them so that she would make your life the same hell that you have made mine. I wanted to scream that at him but remained quiet. I just walked to the bedroom and he followed me, seething with rage.

"Who do you think you are?" he screamed repeatedly, white spittle gathering at the sides of his mouth. I was disgusted. The thought of him kissing me made me want to puke at that point. And that image remained fresh in my memory from the first time I saw it.

I had grown up reading such romance novels as Mills and Boon, Barbara Cartland, and the Silhouettes and had entertained hopes of blissful foreplay and love making with my prince. A man whose kisses I would look forward to. It had not turned out that way. Right from the start, I did not like the smell of his breath.

Sometimes I would lock myself in the bathroom and turn on the shower in order to blank out his raised voice. It was one of those days as Dick shouted abuses at me that I left the house because he was pounding on the bathroom door, insisting I opened it.

Eventually, I did. Then I took my purse and began to walk down the street. I felt sorry for myself and angry too for accepting the abuse for so long. I had many opportunities to leave him but I stayed. One thing was certain: we did not love each other. He probably never loved anyone but himself and I did not love him anymore even if I had at the beginning. To him, I was a sexy body that turned him on all the time. He was also proud to display me as his wife at least in public. But for me, I was trapped in a place I did not like and did not know how to escape. I did not even have the courage to consider my options.

Hot tears coursed down my cheeks as I kept walking with no destination in mind. I stumbled blindly along the dimly lit narrow alley. I did not know exactly where I was or how I got there. Curious eyes turned my way, sometimes hostile. I brushed an impatient hand across my cheek. The suffocating stench of decaying litter carelessly dumped all over the lane made me queasy. As I walked on, I wondered, not for the zillionth time why I did not have the courage to leave him. I loved peace and craved love but I could not have those as long as I remained with him. I was miserable. Not because I was heart-broken. I despised myself for what I was allowing him do to me. The torment had not let up. It only assumed new dimensions and stretched its tentacles of dominance. I was powerless in my detractor's merciless grip.

"You're nothing." The words rang repeatedly in my ears. "I'm popular and can have any woman I want. No man can live with you. You don't even have friends. No one likes you," he dug deeper, going for the kill.

Subconsciously, I raised my quivering hands to my ears hoping to shut out the voice of my oppressor. But as tenaciously as ever, the tormentor's voice refused to let me go. "You think that you've got things all figured out. I haven't even started with you yet. You know me and what I can do to you."

Oh God, what have I done to deserve this? How long will I continue to live like this?

Thoughts of defeat swirled in my head, each competing for pride of place. Suddenly, the sound of traffic became exaggeratedly high and grating; I stumbled and the world began to tilt. As darkness closed around me, I heard a voice from far away call out and then all was blissful darkness.

## Chapter Three

"Erin, the unit manager wants to see you after lunch for a brief orientation," said the secretary, Lynn, with a broad smile. She continued, "He does that with every employee sent to our department." It was obvious that Lynn, like the rest of the communications team, doted on the manager.

Lynn saw the nervousness on my face. "Don't worry. He's a good man." I nodded with a tense smile. I had started work that week at the Minot branch of the Research Institute for World Peace. I had been there for two days but was yet to meet my boss. The Peace Institute or PI as it was commonly called was a huge organization with thousands of employees in New York and across the United States, Africa, Asia, and Middle East. Since obtaining a graduate degree in conflict management and resolution five years ago at the United Nations University, I had become an employee of the major non-profit organization. My position as a Senior Communications Officer was above entry level. If I worked hard, I would be a department head in no time. I would like to move to the headquarters in New York. I hoped that such a move would give me the break I longed for. What exactly did you long for? I could not immediately arrive at an answer. I needed to think – that was what smart people did, right? I did not believe I was smart though.

The manager's door was ajar like everyone else's office. The PI had an 'open door' policy in that regard as well as in other areas. I could not see his desk from where I was standing at the entrance. I knocked hesitantly on the door. I walked in upon the invitation to enter.

"Good afternoon Mr....." I just stood there in shock. It was Michael.

Michael stood up smiling. "Hi Erin!"

I stood staring at him as though rooted on the spot. Why do I always do this to my introvert self? My self-esteem was making a quick nose dive, not the gradual retrogression of recent years. Show some confidence, the voice spoke from within speechless self.

I slowly began to recover from the shock. "You're the unit manager?" Lisa had not mentioned that at the airport. Was it wrong to expect that I should have been told I was meeting my unit head then? Don't panic. Breathe in. Out. In. Out.

Michael had that boyish fetching smile that accentuated his finely chiseled features. "Yeah. Welcome to the unit."

I remembered that Dick also smiled at everyone like he was the creator's gift to them. Who would believe he was truly the devil I knew and the angel others knew. Sometimes I felt idioms should be taken literally!

I focused on Michael. It dawned on me that I was frowning.

Straightening my face, I tried to smile. "Thanks," I said hoping it was the appropriate response. I was one of those whose faces revealed what they were thinking or feeling. Trying to unscrew my face and produce a smile must have twisted my face further into an unbecoming expression.

If Michael noticed, he did not show it. Trying to shift my attention away from his broad shoulders and athletic build, I reminded myself that I knew his kind: dangerous, ruthless, and abusive.

"Please sit; I'll just explain a few things to you about your duties...." His kind was the epitome of excellent gentility in public but at home a terror. You don't even know him! I ignored the scolding voice.

Michael talked and most of what he said that day I will never know. The battle between my voice and that other voice and my conflicting feelings for the man kept me preoccupied. Each time I was jolted to reality by Michael's voice, I became fidgety. The attraction I felt for him made me uncomfortable in his company. Did I like or dislike him? I was not sure.

Michael was wearing blue cotton, long-sleeved shirt that added a blue hint to his eyes. I was now more confused as to the color of his eyes. I concluded he was a human chameleon – changing according to context. He would charm a woman off her feet, get his staff eating out of his hands, and yet a barbarian at home.

"Has Lynn got you your own computer yet?"

It took me a while to process the question. "Yes, thank you," I replied attempting another awful smile and hoping I succeeded in hiding the irritable edge from my voice. Like I would surprise myself. Remember, first impressions are important! I ignored the voice again. However, it was such a relief that humans cannot smile and frown at the same time.

"Okay. Feel free to come to me with any questions you may have." Perhaps he was getting the picture and was not as thick-skinned as Dick.

I got up so fast I was momentarily ashamed. "Thank you." I avoided meeting his eyes as I walked out. Such mean thoughts were alien to the person I used to be. With deliberate effort, I pushed the thought aside. Maybe one of his tactics was pushing people into guilt trips.

As I walked down the corridor into my office, I was overcome by shame. What happened to the compassionate, good natured woman I used to be? I had no right to judge anyone, not even if I knew for a fact that they were such people. Assumptions and stereotyping were some of my major turn-offs and there I was acting out of character. How ironic. I inhaled deeply and then exhaled. That felt better. Still feeling a bit weighed down, I promised myself to work on my thoughts.

**********

Within a fortnight I had settled into the regular routine of the job at the Minot office. Our office was located in Broadway, the central road which ran the entire length of the town; with other side streets linking to it. Everyone at work was nice and ready to assist me with any questions I had, especially with finding my way around. Although a laid-back town, Minot was a lovely place to be. The people were hospitable and I could get everything I needed the mall, and from other shops scattered all over the town.

Meeting Michael changed my life. He brought out, without lifting a finger, a wild side I did not know I had. Before a month was over, I had mutated from a shy, conservative woman to one who broke all the rules. I had no control over my emotions or actions. The only password my body program understood was Michael Andersen. What was happening to me? I did not recognize myself anymore and I was helpless to do anything about it.

As much as possible, I avoided going to Michael's office. I rarely saw him and was cordial whenever I did. Occasionally, he sought me out by coming to my office to enquire how I was doing. One day, I was on my way to a colleague's office when I saw him coming out of an office in the adjourning corridor. I turned my face in a different direction and walked on. By the time I was coming back, he was standing in the hallway, talking with a staff member. As he saw me, he gave me one of those charming smiles I suppose he reserved for women. Casanova Extraordinaire. So much for the decision to entertain better thoughts, I scolded myself for rescinding on that promise.

Michael had cut his hair which made him look even more handsome. I kept my eyes on his face for longer than usual, then caught myself. Before walking past, I gave him a tentative smile, nodded at the other employee whom I had been introduced to but could not remember his name. People always said they loved my smile. I hoped that was the one I gave him. Tit for tat, you know.

After that, things went pretty much as was my style. I was friendly with everyone but seemed to be in the background as well. I was good at minding my own business and never forming or joining an alliance. When colleagues talked about people, I never knew who and what they were talking about.

"I don't know what's with her," said Judy an office assistant in the general office. We were in the kitchen area getting coffee and tea.

"She was shouting at Andy the other day like she's his boss. He was so startled he couldn't even reply," Carrissa from finance elaborated.

"She needs to get laid," added a man whose name and department I did not know.

They all laughed almost hysterically.

"That won't be happening," pronounced Judy.

"She needs to lose some."

"I know!" exclaimed Carrissa who in my humble, non-expert opinion and observation needed to lose some herself. But that won't be happening either, I thought as I watched her down a large piece of chocolate cake, a piece of pizza – I could see the bacon, cheese, and pepperoni. One thing though: that girl knew how to eat with relish. I admired that.

I wished I could eat in a way that looked like I was enjoying the food. I did not like food much and ate barely enough to survive. When I was under pressure – which was most times – my stomach knotted up causing my appetite to embark on a 100 meter sprint. It remained at the finish line indefinitely. Sometimes, I took matters into my own hands by sending vitamin soldiers to arrest and drag it back. But with little, slow success.

Did you even know what I was talking about? I was not going melodramatic. I promise! It was not Dick. And it was certainly not Michael. Anyway, how could I get ruthless men to succumb to a guileless woman like me? Not even in my dreams. I was only referring to my gutless – no pun intended – appetite that always took flight at the slightest hint of a challenge. Yes, challenges not problems. It was then it suddenly dawned on me that I was emotionally challenged. That was why I had stayed with Dick and taken all the crap from him.

Physically challenged people learned to live above their challenge – of course, with help and love from family, friends and professionals. But what did emotionally challenged people do? Go to a shrink? That never worked, not even in movies. I could think of ten movies where going to shrinks made matters worse. Let's see... Robert De Niro in... in.... My memory seemed to be failing me just like many other things in my life. And I was boasting of my telegraphic memory not long ago. Perhaps I needed more vitamins, especially Omega 3, 6, 9. Perhaps there were Omega 12, 15 and 18 too. It appeared they were named so you could divide them by three. Anyway, what did I know? After all, math was not my strong point – too abstract for creative minds. My apologies to those who might take offence – I had a tendency to step on toes when I babbled.

## Chapter Four

One thing that I liked about romantic attraction was the excitement it brought whenever you saw the object of your lust. Nothing might come out of being enamored by that person but that feeling was worth experiencing while it lasted, regardless of the disappointment that might follow.

I remember one day, as I was copying some documents in the secretary's office, I saw Michael coming towards me. My heart started racing and I could barely utter a greeting. I was not sure what my thoughts and feelings were but I certainly had a fluttering, pleasurable feeling in many parts of my body.

Then he was stopped by my team leader, Arnold, who was getting something from the secretary. "Hi Michael, I've just mailed the peace accord report to the US ambassador to the UN." Arnold said to Michael.

"That's good. Let's keep our fingers crossed."

"Yes." Then Arnold turned to me, "Hey Erin, do you need help with the copier? It's been acting out all day."

"Looks like it is working fine now. Thanks, Arnold."

Michael looked at me with his killer smile in place. "You do have a personal password for the copier, right?"

I responded with a friendly smile. "I do, thanks."

Arnold looked from me to Michael and smiled. "That's unfair. I was here for nearly six months before I was given a password. This is favoritism."

They laughed. Then Michael said, "She's special."

When he said that, I felt elated. I went as far as concluding he was indeed a good man and I was lucky to have him as my unit head. Was I that shallow? I had frequently been described as a deep girl. Except of course for the inner voice making me think I was shallow based on my choice of spouse.

In addition to my treacherous heart, there was a spring to my feet which I tried to ignore as I walked back to my office. Do not let him suck you in too. No negative thoughts, remember? But my overactive mind had shifted into overdrive. Men like him kept mental harems where women who had fallen for him lived. To their detriment, of course. He was the kind who used a girl and dumped her. How do you know these things? When did you become clairvoyant? Has he made a pass at you? The voice and my thoughts were driving me crazy! Was that what 'there is no peace for the wicked' meant? After all, thinking evil of someone was not an act of love but wickedness.

**********

From the break room gossips, I learned that Michael and his wife were separated. It was also clear that every staff thought he was a great guy. That put a check in me. In my experience, many men who were very nice outside were the opposite at home. I did not need research statistics from the psychology department of any university to know that. I had seen it often. Also, after years of marriage to Dick, I saw how everyone who met him believed he was an amazing guy. Except me the evil drama queen who deserved what I got. No one would believe the emotional and verbal abuse he was inflicting on me and I never bothered to tell them.

I walked into the lunchroom a bit preoccupied with thoughts of how far to go with the recommendations I was including in my report. Would they yield far-reaching results if implemented? I liked to look at the big picture.

`Two female colleagues, Liz and Trish, were sitting and chatting as they ate their lunch.

"Hi," I smiled at them.

Trish beamed at me. "Hi Erin!"

"How're you doing, Erin?" asked Liz. "What a beautiful jacket! Where did you buy it?" she gushed.

"Thanks. I got it from Foschini in Pretoria."

"Girl, you look hot in everything you wear," Trish said, looking me over like a horse in the market. I did not know what to say.

Just then June walked in. "I know! She just isn't aware of how endowed she is."

I smiled at them, still unable to say anything. What was I to say? 'Thank you'? Everyone said I said that too much, as it was! I smiled and busied myself at the sink. Then I took the seat closest to the ladies, munching a piece of celery stick.

June sat with Liz and Trish and chatted with them like friends. There's no need to wish you were more outgoing. Be happy with who you are. It was that voice in my head speaking again. Somehow, I could distinguish between it and my thoughts.

"Have you noticed how Jill seems to control the supervisors and managers, especially Michael?" My head turned towards Liz as I heard Michael's name. She was looking at her fruit and vegetable medley tray.

"But Jill has told me some nasty things about Michael's personal life. If he's been nice to her, why would she do that?" June's voice portrayed her confusion.

"Because she's a conniving, heartless bitch," said Liz biting off a piece of carrot.

June seemed to have joined the tabloid bandwagon. "She says creepy things. Have you been to her house? I never went again after the first time."

Trish nodded. "I know what you mean."

Liz halted while rinsing out her coffee mug in the sink and said, "I still wonder how she does it. The other day, Michael was defending her to my boss for some money she spent which she couldn't account for. I almost disliked Michael then." Her perfectly arched eye brows lifted in a frown.

"He's a weak man. His wife, Gina, abused him and treated him like her slave. I knew them from way back in Connecticut. The more she treated him like shit, the more subservient to her he was," said Trish, her voice laced with scorn.

It was like my experience with Dick. Dick and Gina would have made a perfect match. I did not know until I began to read about abuse and learned that abused men developed a disorder which resulted in their liking women who manipulated and used them. The more they were exploited and shown to be weak, the more they liked their oppressor. It was disgusting and pitiable. I was not sure what to think of Michael if what the women were saying about him was true.

"Are they divorced now?" asked Carol who had walked in as the conversation shifted to Michael's marriage. It might be workable to make the lunchroom a news studio and broadcast across every room in the building.

"No. She got separated from him and I don't know why. Perhaps when she finds a man who's ready to accept her ugly ass, she'd give Michael the final shove." My guess was that there was no love lost between Trish and Michael's wife.

"Is there hope for her in that department – you know, finding a man?" I wondered why Liz asked that.

"I don't see her letting him go even though they're separated. Where would she find such a man who'd tolerate and love her like Michael?" Trish seemed to really hate Michael's wife. Did they have a history?

"I wonder what happened that they're estranged. Do you think there's something between Michael and Jill?" Carol asked.

I had met Jill a few times. She was a petite woman. I had thought she was ill because she looked emaciated. Under her eyes were large dark patches. I avoided her because all she told me was negative stuff about colleagues and then pretended to be friends when talking with them, not just colleagues.

"Not on your life. Even if he was unstable, he wouldn't go for someone like her," asserted Tina, replacing Liz who left the 'newsroom' moments ago. She shook her head and added, "He should be put in a mental hospital if he has any kind of interest in her."

They laughed as they walked out. I was so embarrassed by the conversation. For some reason I could not decipher, I was also angry. I was not sure if my anger was because of my long standing dislike for gossip and gossips or because they were talking about Michael. Anyway, what was he to me? Puff!

At least they remembered to say "See you later, Erin."

After the ladies left, I remained preoccupied by what I had just heard. Jill was married and her husband worked at the PI too. I knew Jill was manipulative but by no stretch of the imagination could the workers seriously think that Michael was having an affair with her. On the other hand, the preferential treatment they had said Michael gave her was cause for concern. She had been at the Minot office six months before I got there but already Michael had her in committees he was in and according to Tina, who worked in finance, he recklessly approved all her requests. Perhaps there was some truth in the gossip. You know the saying: 'There's no smoke without fire.' I began to have a nagging feeling that something fishy was going on between Michael and Jill.

## Chapter Five

What's happening to me?

In spite of the rumors about Michael, the attraction I felt for him since the first day we met did not wane. Each time I saw Michael, I was further drawn to him. I felt trapped in a spider web. I was troubled and confused. Although my marriage was – by all intent and purpose – over, I was not the kind of girl to have anything romantic to do with another man, especially without being officially divorced.

I was in my second month at the PI, Minot. Everything seemed to be going well, including keeping my feelings for Michael on a tight leash. Then something happened that melted every resistance I had to fight my feelings for Michael. I was working on a project designed to improve collaboration among PI employees. I needed the communications software installed on my computer immediately. Michael and Lynn had called the IT office but the technicians, who were housed in another building a few meters away, were extremely busy and had booked me for the following week.

"Good news! The IT chaps are coming to install the comsoft as well as a report template on your computer before they knock off today."

I almost jumped out of my skin. I had not heard him enter. I felt sorry for my heart.

"That's... wonderful, thanks."

It was then I noticed that his blue shirt was wet. I was deeply touched that he had gone out in the rain to get that sorted out for me. "Thanks so much!" I was giving him one of my rare killer smiles I reserved for everyone but him. He looked at me for what seemed like a long time, then turned to leave.

"It's nothing," he said like he was speaking to himself.

After that day, I was literally eating out of his hands. I became like a faithful dog. That was me. My appreciative, caring and loyal personality was always my Achilles' heel. That, added to the intense attraction I felt for him and I was out of control.

Who was I? What happened to the sane woman that used to be me? Why did I alternate between acting like a moron and a whore?

One evening, I stopped to pick up a few things at the Dakota Square Mall. I was in Scheels looking at some running shoes when I looked up and saw Michael approaching. My heart nearly jumped out of my chest. I stared at him speechless. He looked so macho. He was wearing shorts and sleeveless T-shirt like he had been at the gym. He acknowledged me with a smile and "Hi Erin" but I was so tongue tied I just could not say anything but continued to stare at him. I was still looking at him as he walked by. Was that what infatuation did to its victims?

I began to wonder what Michael's estranged wife, Gina, looked like. I had heard Trish and Liz talk more about her. She was clearly not on their list of favorite persons. They said she had let herself go.

My thoughts shifted to Jill. I remembered my first week working in Minot, Jill had told me she did not use her husband's last name because she would have to change her name each time she got divorced. It shocked me speechless. After hearing the gossip in the lunchroom, I began to wonder whether in her twisted mind, she was scheming to get Michael to marry her. The thought was so disgusting I quickly shook it off. Let's talk more about twisted minds because you seem to be heading in that direction. That's of course if you're wrong about him. Do you think you are? I chose to ignore the voice. It had been so silent of recent I had hoped it had disappeared or at least had taken a hiatus.

Talking about twisted minds, was it mere coincidence that I often saw Michael at the stores at the same time as Jill? I could not tell whether they came in together or not. I had seen them – not shopping together – at Target, Staples, and Home Depot. I might just take it upon my inquisitive self to start monitoring their movements.

**********

"Do you have a minute?" I asked peeping into Michael's office, a sheepish grin on my face.

I had noticed that Michael was dressing better than he used to. After hearing that his wife dressed sloppily, I sometimes wondered if he considered me stylish. Honestly, I did not care a hoot what he thought about my dressing. When I was in college, my friends said I knew how to select what looked good on me without spending a lot of money. While I was careful in what I wore, I was not obsessed with brand names.

I was so distracted by my thoughts that I did not hear Michael invite me in.

I walked in, embarrassed. "Sorry."

"How're you doing?" His dazzling smile was present.

"Good, thanks."

"What can I do for you today?" He was still smiling like he was excited to see me.

I looked at him somberly. "I have some personal issues I need to discuss with you outside the office." That morning, Dick had sent me two emails calling me names for not leaving money for him in Pretoria to keep paying for our DSTV cable service. I had been paying for it although he watched TV more than I did. It was ridiculous for me to keep paying for it when I was not in Pretoria anymore; all he had to do was cancel the subscription if he wanted to. In the second email, he threatened to come to the Minot PI office during his vacation to 'make life hell' for me if I did not send the money. I lost my cool when I read the threat. I felt like he was already in the States and in Minot. His threats still had a traumatic effect on me.

At the office, I was so panicky that I decided to talk to Michael about it.

"If you need counseling, Karen Parker in the Human Resources Department can arrange that."

"No, I don't need a counselor."

"Okay, how about we go to the coffee shop across the road after work."

I was thrilled. It was not a date but for me it was an opportunity to offload on someone. Michael had not done anything in particular to merit it but I just trusted him. It was like following my gut feeling. "Thanks."

Was it your gut feeling or unstable emotion? How rude! It was one of the few times I wished I could switch off the voice.

"See you then."

After work, we walked to the café across the road from the office. It was not crowded. He asked what I wanted and I said water and he took a diet Coke.

"So what do you think of the office?"

"It's a good place to work. The job is challenging but I enjoy it. I couldn't have chosen a better set of people to work with." That was the longest stretch of utterance I had ever made at a go while talking with him.

"They all have great things to say about you too."

"Oh.... Thanks." I had never been good at saying the right things when complimented, not that it was really a compliment.

Michael was relaxed. "Did you know that in this small town, we have employees from all seven continents?"

"Really?"

He nodded. "Yup, most continents have ample representation."

"That's interesting."

He smiled again. "It's a great place to work."

Minot was indeed small. It was also a thriving, safe town. I loved small towns and had always lived in small towns or medium-sized cities. My ambition to work at the headquarters in New York was marred by my phobia of big cities. Which city in the world was bigger than New York? Tokyo? Not sure. Perhaps the answer had to be based on whether the criterion was land mass or population.

There was a lull in the conversation. I knew it was my cue to get to the real subject of the meeting.

"I don't know how to say this...."

Michael was attentive and waited for me to continue.

"I got married quite early. I was 22."

He nodded. "I also got married early – when I was very young. 20."

I was shocked. "Really?"

He was serious. "Yeah. I know now that I was too young to make such a decision."

I just nodded. The companionable silence that followed allowed me time for reflection. I was glad to be spending time with Michael. I could tell that he was a private person but he talked freely with me. I never went out with guys and was surprised that being out with Michael was like the most natural thing in the world. The only problem was that I was too shy to even drink the water but I was thrilled to be with him.

I started talking again. "You see, my husband and I are separated. I'm really scared that he might come to the office to pick a fight with me. I wanted you to know just in case....."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"I used to think that chemistry was all that mattered but I have learned the hard way that there are more important things like character and respect."

"You're right. Sometimes we get carried away by the thrill of romance and marry the wrong person."

"Yeah... we allow someone's charm, good looks or material possession to make us overlook who they really are." As I looked at his handsome face and attractive physique, a thought occurred to me. "Here I am telling you about my husband when you're a guy and perhaps you were a popular basketball player in college."

He coloured in a way that made him look youthful and smiled. "No. I was rather shy."

His eyes, voice, and smile were doing strange things to me. He looked so genuine and naïve. It was then I did something stupid and told him I liked him.

"I like you a lot too, Erin."

At that point I realized what I had said and felt terribly embarrassed and so became tongue-tied. My intention had been to warn him about my marital situation because of my husband's threats to me earlier that morning. How I opened my mouth and where the courage came from to tell Michael I liked him, I would never know.

After that I did not remember most of what we talked about but Michael never made me feel embarrassed or cheap. We left the café as friends. I was ashamed of myself nonetheless and began to berate myself. You have made the biggest blunder ever. You should have been wearing a placard that read: 'Cheap woman available.' You should add to your scanty list of what you should do before your next birthday: make a pass at a man. Or more specifically at your boss.

That night, I cried like I had rarely done in my life. I was miserable. I was so sorry for myself. Above all, I did not understand my feelings and thoughts.

The next day, when I saw Michael I was really embarrassed. However, I decided to write him a note thanking him for the outing. Then he wrote me a long note telling me he was happy for us to be friends because he had very few real friends and he was comfortable with me. In the long letter, he told me how for years his marriage lacked any intimacy and how his wife left all the house chores which he was happy to do. Nevertheless, she was still not satisfied and left the marriage. He did not say how he felt about his estranged wife. I felt sad and sorry for him. It was like he was wasting away his life.

## Chapter Six

I stared back at my face in the full length mirror. I rubbed the skin around my cheeks in circular motion. My skin was a bit rough but firm. My 'not-so-white' eyes were telltale signs of insomnia and the sparkle was gone. Those eyes were the envy of my friends in my college days. My skin looked dull. I had gradually lost my coveted tan.

I did not really care. I had never been one to go to beauty salons for facials, manicure, pedicure, and spas. I knew that going to the beauticians would enhance my facial beauty but it had never been a priority with me.

I lifted my long auburn hair away from my neck. My eyes rested on a pair of scissors in the open chest of drawers beside the mirror. I took it and like I was in a trance began to snip my hair, allowing the long strands to drop on the floor. When I was done, I washed my hair and used my hand drier to blow it dry. I held it together in a short ponytail.

If I lacked perfection in facial beauty, I amply made up for it in my figure. Right from my teen people had tended to focus on my figure and that made it difficult for me to be comfortable in tight-fitting clothes. Anytime I wore the few I had, I would have to wear a jacket on top. I was so self-conscious that I could never go swimming with friends and colleagues. Not that I could swim but the idea of wearing a swim suit really got me in a panic.

I liked to wear clothes that accentuated my overall attractiveness because it made me feel good about myself, not in order to draw attention from men. I learned a long time ago that outer beauty was only a part of the full package. Outer beauty began to look ugly if there was no inner beauty to keep it glowing.

Michael noticed my hair the next time he saw me. "You cut your hair." It almost sounded accusatory. I just nodded. He said nothing after that.

One of the days I was out in a nearby restaurant with Michael during lunch break, he told me that he enjoyed hanging out with me.

I was pleased. "Thanks."

He dazzled a smile. "You often engage me in interesting discussions." His winning smile had nothing to do with how white his teeth were. In fact, they were coffee-stained. Come to think of it, they seemed to be getting whiter. He must be whitening them.

I just gave him my genuine, lovely smile back.

Then he said "I wish there was a more private place – the town is really small."

I was not sure what he meant by that but did not ask him. It frustrated me to want to know something and yet not be bold enough to ask.

That day, I gave Michael my favorite key ring. When I liked something in a special way, I treasured it by keeping it in a safe place so that it would always look new even after many years. The Star of David key ring with the 12 tribes of Israel and a traveler's prayer was one of my favorite things. I gave it to Michael as a symbol of our friendship. Also, I wanted to share my favorite things with him and since he was a guy the key ring was what I could think of to give him. In addition, I knew that whenever he saw it, he would think of me.

He was obviously pleased by it. He held my hands for a while. We looked into each other's eyes, not saying anything. As if catching himself, he suddenly let go of my hands.

"I've been thinking of getting you something. Too bad you beat me to it. The price for procrastination."

I did not know what to say. An inner voice told me I was making the same mistakes I made with Dick all over again. But would I listen? If I did, there probably would not be a confession to make or a story to tell.

I knew I had to do something about starting divorce proceedings with Dick. How do I get his contact address? An acquaintance from Pretoria had emailed me last month that Dick had returned to the States; she did not know where exactly. That should have agitated me but it did not.

A windfall at that point was that I did not spend much time thinking about my marital predicament. It was not that I was often out with Michael. It was just that thoughts of my blurry relationship with Michael shifted my attention from my worries over my ending marriage. It also confirmed to me that I did not love Dick. It did not show that Michael was the one for you either. I ignored the voice.

All the time I was with Dick, I had not felt an attraction for another man despite the loneliness I suffered in my marriage. It was only Dick that I could be intimate with regardless of how often he abused me. Since meeting Michael, along with the inexplicable feelings for him, I had become a different woman. A woman I did not recognize. To show how weird I had become, all I hungered and thirsted for was Michael's friendship. I was going nuts!

My life became so complicated that I was getting more miserable by the day. My relationship with Michael was far from normal. We were both married though estranged from our spouses but kept exchanging notes and occasionally going out together during office hours to the café across the office. Other employees also patronized the café. It was an open place and anything but a romantic setting. We were sometimes joined by other colleagues.

It was at the time when I was feeling like I was in way over my head in relation to Michael that Dick resumed his cyberbullying.

.... You need to pay me back $2,790 for outstanding bills you didn't contribute to before leaving. I'll give you a couple months to send me the money through PayPal or you'll be hearing from my lawyer....

He gave me no respite although he was yet to make a physical appearance. I still could not figure out where he was even after googling him and searching for him on Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn. He kept sending me emails with threats and name calling. So I stopped reading them. The torment continued even though all I read were nasty subject-lines. When I succeeded in keeping my eyes away from the subject, I still was greatly affected just knowing he had sent another email. I soon realized that I could just block him from all my email and social media accounts. I did that and got some respite.

It then occurred to me that it was time I took the bull by the horn and make an appointment to see a lawyer. But where do I begin? Online? Yellow Pages?

**********

## Chapter Seven

One good thing that happened six months into my working at the Peace Institute, Minot, was that I became friends with Shirley, a colleague in my department. Her husband, David, worked in the same building. I visited them when he had a fall and they became my friends. They were a lively elderly couple from somewhere in the New England region – I could not remember which state. They were friends with Michael too.

I had been getting a ride from Shirley and David to work. I did not own a car and had no immediate plans to buy one. We lived on the opposite side of the same housing complex. It was a nice place and very close to the Minot State University.

From time to time, I went out with Shirley and David. Sometimes, we walked from the office or drove in their car to go for lunch or an early dinner. Whenever we had dinner at a restaurant, they picked up the tab. Initially, I had tried to pay my share but they had stood their ground. With time, I began to accept that inviting me meant they were paying and I was grateful for their company and generosity. On my part, I invited them over to my place couple of times for lunch or dinner at the weekend.

Today happened to be one of the few times we hung out without David. Shirley and I had agreed to meet at a restaurant near the mall for lunch. Shirley was already there when I arrived. "I'm sorry for keeping you waiting." I was out of breath.

"No problem. Just wondered what was keeping you."

"I stopped by the bookstore."

"Which?"

"Barnes and Noble."

"You've been in the mall all this time?"

"Yup, you know me and books," I said smiling sheepishly at my friend.

Shirley rolled her eyes at me which made me burst into laughter. Her lively blue eyes stayed on my face as she beamed at me. She was so indulgent that I felt like she was my mom.

The waiter came and took our order.

Shirley looked at the small, plastic bag on the table. "So what did you get?"

I brought out my copy of Christian Men Who Hate Women. She looked at it.

"I have a friend at church that has a copy. She says it's an eye-opener."

"I believe it is – although I've only read a review of the book and skimmed through this copy."

"Missy said that after reading the book she understood why her family and pastor never believed what she told them was going on in her home. I must admit, I also felt she was exaggerating things because Sam seemed to be such a nice man."

"In her review of the book, Brenda Brandson said that kind of man has personality disorder. He sees himself as a good husband for putting up with his wife. He's blind to his own faults and doesn't take responsibility for his own actions."

"There's a name Missy calls men like that."

"Misogynists. Men who hate women and need to control their wives."

"Yes, that's it. I wonder what they call women who hate men and control their husbands."

We laughed.

Shirley and I let the conversation slide to lighter subjects like goings-on at the office. After hearing an ear full from Liz, Trish, Carol, and Jill, I began to avoid them and the lunchroom.

So, Shirley became my only close female friend in Minot. It was from Shirley that I got news of happenings at the office.

Shirley had said that since Michael and I became friends he was clearly happier and looked better than she had ever seen him. That really made me glad.

**********

It was almost 6pm. Many workers had left and a few were attending an afternoon workshop. David was at the workshop and Shirley was in her office. As I sat in my office that evening, I watched the downpour through my window. A feeling of melancholy enveloped me. I found myself thinking about my relationship with Dick in Pretoria. We had met, married and separated there. Throughout the marriage, it was one drama after another.

One Saturday morning, I had gone to the office with Tandaza, my friend and colleague, to catch up on work. We spent three hours there. When I got back, Dick was getting ready to go out. He was also in a bad mood as was often the case. He spent long hours outside even on weekends. I hardly went anywhere except work, church, and stores. I stopped going to Curves to work out after I bought a treadmill. So it was not about what was good for the goose being good for the gander.

Anyway, as I was saying, I got back from work that Saturday to meet a fuming Dick.

"You've acquired a new independence and can go and come as you like."

I tried to stay calm. "I had work to do."

"You had better remember what your duties are at home and make sure you do them or I will make you uncomfortable."

I knew that he was looking for an opportunity to start a quarrel so I walked away towards the bedroom.

He followed me. "Make sure that on Monday you go to the bank to bring money from your account, since you've been paid, for me to add to what I have to send to my mother. And I want it first thing on Monday."

I was still quiet as I lay on the bed.

"Except you want to go twice to the bank, also bring $100 dollars for me since we won't get paid until Friday."

I did not say anything but I was used to his style. Whenever I tried standing my ground, he would come up with many things to make me feel bad. Threats were his most used weapon and I always succumbed to it.

That was my life with the relentless tormentor I called my husband. I waited for the appropriate time with supposed calm – time to do something about my situation. A calm that was not always there and even now the thought of my time with Dick still made me lose my peace. I had not toughened up after all the years of abuse.

## Chapter Eight

Autumn was in full swing. I had just celebrated my thirty-eighth birthday. I was relieved it was on Saturday so no one would make a big deal of it.

For the first time in my life, I was fed up with the way my attempts at having a romantic relationship had turned out. It was glaring: I was attracted to and attracting the wrong men. Something had to give if I wanted to experience the romantic bliss I used to dream about.

My first instinct was to start job hunting so I could leave Minot but I rejected that thought at once. A new resolve enveloped me. I was done running. It was not immediately clear what I needed to do. Give it time and you will. The voice was gentle yet compelling. It gave me peace.

First thing I did starting the following work week was to keep my distance from Michael. I only saw him when he sought me out or when I absolutely needed to go to his office. I kept it formal and he kept looking at me in a peculiar manner. Occasionally, I ran into him at the stores but maintained my distance. My work was my life. Outside of work, I began volunteering two or three times a week at the Minot Soup Kitchens. It was at different churches depending on the day of the week.

Meanwhile, something interesting was going on at work. I was beginning to suspect that Michael and Jill were secretly meeting. I was with Michael in his office going over a file he wanted me to work on. Jill came in, rudely interrupted, telling him to help her go over her work before she officially submitted it to him. I could not believe my ears. He was doing her work for her! As I stared at them, he turned beet red. I did not know what to make of it then.

Half an hour later, Michael and I were still meeting. Jill walked by his office and then passed again. The third time, she stopped and told him her office was open. I had no idea what that meant.

Michael started behaving like he was in a hurry and said, "Let's finish this tomorrow". I gave a curt nod and left. Soon afterwards, I saw him leaving the office. Following my gut feeling, I left my office and found my adrenaline energized feet taking me towards the parking area. I was in time to see Jill open the door to the back passenger seat of their minivan and get in. Her husband was driving but I wondered why she was sitting at the back. I always saw her sitting beside him when he drove their car. As they drove off, there was no passenger that I could see beside her husband. I turned to go back inside and noticed that Michael's car was still there. It was then I knew that he was with them.

Millions of questions popped up in my head. Was Michael at the back seat with Jill while her husband drove? Was the man really her husband? Would he condone his wife having an affair under his nose? Would the situation be so bizarre that they would have sex in the car while he drove? Theirs was a large seven seat car. My thoughts were so dirty and ridiculous I discarded them. Nonetheless, I felt certain something fishy was going on.

At the office, I could not focus on my work and decided to close for the day. I did not even remember to let Shirley know I was leaving. On my way home, I stopped at Target. To my shock, I saw the three of them there! So he had been in their car and at the back with her! O my gosh! What was going on?

I blinked repeatedly to be sure I was seeing correctly. He was there with them. Neither of the three seemed to have made any real purchase. Michael turned beet red when he saw me and I felt like a stalker. Were they dealing drugs?

I turned and left without buying anything.

We hardly spoke to each other after that. I communicated with him mostly by email. He continued to disappear same time as Jill did but I never blew the whistle on them.

**********

Two weeks before Easter, I got to work earlier than usual. Of course no one was there except the security guards who let me in.

"Hi."

I nearly jumped out of my skin. I had not heard Michael come in; I was not even expecting to see him at the office that early. I removed my hand from the computer as I was trying to check my mails. I managed to say "Hi" back without a scowl.

He entered my office. We stared at each other for moments in the quietness of the office that early morning.

I looked away. Although I was still attracted to him in an inexplicable way, I also knew that I did not like him.

He stretched some papers towards me. "Take a look at this and tell me what you think." As I took the papers, our hands touched and he paused.

I grabbed the papers. "Okay."

I looked at him and noticed that his eyes looked gray and glittered.

He smiled at me and turned to leave. "Okay. Enjoy your day."

"Thanks."

As though cashing in on my letting down my guard, he walked back in towards me and came to sit down.

He leaned in. "I just want to say that I'd be glad if you told me what I've done to make you withdraw from me. You're the only true friend I have here. I'm not going to impose myself on you but hope we can reconnect."

I was stunned by his speech and did not know how to respond. After a few more seconds, he gave me a half-smile, got up and left.

Was he so delusional? I rolled my eyes and then went back to my work.

The Easter long weekend finally arrived and I had time to think. After careful thought during which I penciled down all the pros and cons, I decided to move back to Canada. I had such peace knowing that I was not running; rather, I was returning home.

My mom was from Winnipeg and my dad from Edmonton but I chose to move to Victoria where I knew no one. I did not have a job in Canada but I was ready to take the plunge. I was running again from another bad relationship. Well, sort of. Or was I really running this time? Did I have the grit to end the unhealthy, directionless friendship with Michael? Was he even a sincere friend? Each time I remembered his secret I-don't-know-what relationship with Jill, my distrust for Michael increased. I fought it hard and long; but it persisted. One thing was certain: it was time for change.

My excitement at the thought of taking the risk of moving without a job to a city where I did not know anyone began to be mixed with strong trepidation.

**********

Three months after I had made up my mind to move to Canada, the ache in my heart became physical. My friendship with Michael was not as wholesome as it had been before I began to glean those dark sides of him that I still did not have answers to. What made me most miserable was my inability to walk away from him.

Michael made me laugh. I remembered the anecdote he told me once about a couple who went for counseling and the man said his wife was historical. The counselor thought he meant to say hysterical. But the man said, "No, I mean historical. She's always dwelling on the past."

Another time, I was placing the wall clock in my office after replacing the battery. It dropped from the wall and broke. I thought I would have to replace it but Shirley was sure I would not need to do so. All the same, I mentioned it to Michael.

'I broke the clock in my office."

"Who got you that mad?"

I did not see that coming and wanted to say 'You, of course' but I did not know if he would take that seriously or consider it flirtatious; so, I said nothing. The remembrance of such incidents made me smile. At the same time, it angered me. What the heck! No one should have that kind of power over another – but I was in the pathetic position of my own accord. I still could not retrace my steps.

The very next day, I handed in my resignation.

## Chapter Nine

At work today, Shirley had brought a box of pizza to my office. She opened it with a flourish. "Little something to share with my favorite gal." We had gone a few times for pizza and she knew how much I loved it.

It was obvious why she thought I needed cheering up. Shirley had been with me that morning when a DHL delivery man came to deliver a package. I saw it was from Dick. After I had signed for it and the man had gone, I tore it open. They were divorce papers. I was momentarily shaken but quickly gathered myself together. I had then told Shirley what they were. She knew I did not like talking about my marriage and so said nothing, except to give me a long, tight hug.

She just brought me my favorite thing in the world. If only she knew that, in spite of being sad about it, I was also relieved that at last I would be free of Dick. Good she did not – otherwise, the palatable piece of bliss would not be waiting for my eating pleasure.

It was a pleasant surprise. I stared at the pizza, taking in the chicken nuggets, black pitted olives, cheese, tomatoes. Hmmm. Yum-yum. The aroma made my mouth water. Since my mouth was hanging open, it was a wonder I was not drooling.

I beamed at her. "You're the best!

She chortled. "I know how it is between you and pizza."

"We're inseparable. You've made my day, Shirley."

I took a slice and began to eat with pleasure, making all the sounds of pleasure.

Shirley also ate a slice.

I encouraged Shirley to keep the remaining slices for herself as she was leaving.

"You're the one in love with pizza, not me," she protested, pushing the box towards me.

"Thank you so much." I could not resist taking another helping. The remaining two I saved for later.

That afternoon, I went to the kitchen to microwave the left over pizza. Carol and Tina were there.

Tina smiled at me. "Hi Erin!"

"Haven't seen you in like ages. Thought you had left PI," Carol said affably.

I smiled at them. "I'm still very much around."

"Is it true that you may be leaving?" asked Tina. Trust the grapevine at PI.

I nodded. I went to put the pizza in the microwave.

"Where to?" pursed Tina.

Carol answered for me. "Canada."

"Awesome. Just across the border."

I nodded again as I went to retrieve my pizza.

"Is it true that Michael's wife moved back in?" asked Tina in a hushed voice.

"Yeah. Reality set in."

"Talk about reality check. He allowed her back just like that?"

I should just walk out of the kitchen. I had heard enough but I stood rooted on the spot.

Carol puffed. "He's a weak, directionless man. He doesn't want her but he's not man enough to take a stand."

As though nudged by an invisible hand, I walked out of the kitchen. Once in my office, I stared blindly at my pizza. My stomach had knotted up. I dumped the pizza in the trash bin. Picking up my purse, I left the office. I knew I was not going home but I did not know where I was going.

Once outside the PI building, I crossed the road and continued to walk. Michael was back with his wife. There was something going on between him and Jill. He had not bothered to tell me that his wife had returned. Yet I always told him everything going on with me; including the parts that had to do with Dick. What's really getting you so upset? Did his wife's return crush your secret desire to hook up with him? I ignored the voice and continued walking.

Tears streamed down my face and my lungs panted visibly. I slowed down along a side street lined on both sides by trailers. From somewhere in the deep recess of my dulled memory, I remembered having seen such trailers somewhere else. Was it was during that conference in Majuro, Marshall Islands? From the airport to the Marshall Island Resort, I had seen some trailers. What the heck! As if I cared a hoot about all that.

I was in Minot, a town in North Dakota. The peace and quiet that characterized my environment eluded me. I wanted to be free but did not know how. I needed to be liberated from the consuming feeling I had for Michael. But I still felt trapped in it. He's not worthy of your loyalty. You're lucky not to end up with him romantically. He would have made your life more miserable than Dick. You should be thankful. The voice continued to offer advice I did not ask for. I wanted to pay attention to it but it was easier to just ignore it. Walking aimlessly now reminded me of my experience with Dick. I remembered when I had fainted on the street in Pretoria all because of a man. It was after that I knew it was over between Dick and me. I was done with him.

I found myself in front of the First Baptist Church on 200 3rd Street, SN. I was drawn to it although that was not the church I attended. When I was new in Minot, I had started attending Our Redeemers Church. Later, I had switched to First Assembly of God. Shirley and David worshipped there. I found both churches to my liking but getting rides from Shirley made me more consistent in church attendance. Usually, I did not miss the morning Sunday services; it was the weekly evening ones that I skipped.

I stood at the entrance of the church and slowly turned the door knob. It was open. I walked in and sat in a pew in the dim hall. The silence calmed me some. I rested my hands on the back of the chair in front of me. With bent knees and head, I just stayed there. I was not praying. I was doing nothing. I felt at peace. I must have dozed off for a while before jerking awake. It was the noise of a car engine being revved. I got up immediately. There was still no one around.

As I hit the high sunshine outside, my eyes protested. I was relieved no one had seen me inside there. How would I have explained myself? They did not know me. I was not a member there. Taking long strides, I hurried away, suddenly craving the welcome my apartment offered

**********

The following day, I went to have a word with Lynn to be sure that my entitlements were being processed according to schedule. I needed the money to start afresh in BC.

I avoided Michael. He never came to my office and I never went to his. A few times, we met each other on the corridor; he stopped and started to say something. I ignored the plea in his eyes. I eyed him and walked away. I noticed that he seemed emaciated but I hardened my heart.

The days rapidly went by.

Two days before I left, the department organized a send-off for me in the conference room. I was surprised by the assorted spread of sandwiches, pizza, curried noodles, rice and mushroom, shrimp and vegetable gravy. There was a lot of soda, tea, coffee. The room was filled to capacity because people came from all the departments.

"Wow girl, you do know how to pull a crowd!" Shirley drew me to her laughing.

"I don't even know half the people here," I whispered.

"They obviously know and like you. I haven't seen this many people in our office send-off before." I looked around, feeling humbled and loved. Tears filled my eyes.

"No tears or you'll ruin the photos." Shirley admonished me. I swallowed hard and tried to get a grip on my emotions.

I was thankful that I was calm and smiled as speeches were made. Everyone who spoke had something nice to say about me: my smile, gentleness, friendliness, and diligence. Michael closed his speech by saying that I was one of those workers who were irreplaceable as a team player and problem solver. Lynn talked about how she would miss seeing me briskly walk along the hallways and my smile that never failed to brighten her day.

Lynn presented me with a gift from the department.

Remembering the KISS principle, I kept my speech short and simple. "Thank you everyone for this, I wasn't expecting anything like it! Working with you all in Minot has been a wonderful experience. Right from my first day here, I realized that you're the most loving group of people I have ever met. That never changed after all this time. Thank you Michael for being an exemplary leader. Lynn, you made my work very easy and enjoyable – you're indeed an admin rockstar. Thank you all for coming. Your presence here today means so much to me. You all made my day big time! It will be an understatement to say that I will miss you all and the PI. I will take along with me, the love and skills you have given me and spread among other people I meet. I wish you all many blessings! Thank you.

It was a nice get-together and a memorable send-off; the best I had ever had.

A few employees dropped by my office to give me something. They included cards, books, and a few other knickknacks. Shirley and David gave me a beautiful red jacket.

I cleared my desk on my last day at work. The next day, I would be on my way to my home and native land. O Canada! I was gripped with wholesome excitement; the kind I had not felt since graduating from college.

## Chapter Ten

Once I got to Victoria, I found myself doing more writing. I had been writing since I was little and my mom used to say that I would be a talented writer when I grew up but I never took her seriously. As I got older, I continued to write. It was therapeutic for me. I never showed anyone my writing and never thought I would. That was until I met Michael.

Speaking of Michael, out of the blue, almost a month into my stay in Canada, I received an email from him. In the brief email, he said I had been in his thoughts and prayers. He was hoping we could chat when I had the time.

I was not sure how I felt hearing from him. It took me two days before I could reply. I did not want to seem too eager but I did not want him to think I was shunning him either.

So it was that we moved into the epistolary level of our friendship. It looked like I was far from being rid of him. I began to despise myself for not making a clean cut.

We started with "Hi Michael", "Hi Erin". From the impersonal greeting, we progressed to ending our emails with "Me" which he initiated. When are you going to open your eyes to the fact that he's not the right man for you? Open my eyes if you can; I'm still hooked. I fired back at the persistent voice.

**********

Chat with Michael

Jun 21

4:50 PM **me** : Are you telling me or someone else?

**Michael** : telling you what?

4:51 PM **me** : "I am around but may not be paying attention"

4:52 PM **Michael** : i actually forgot I had that listed; that's really old from sometime last spring. I'll go and change it.

**me** : I see.

**Michael** : how are you?

4:53 PM **me** : I'm good. And you? Is it still cold there?

4:54 PM **Michael** : Doing okay; it does feel cold here; temperatures are in the low...

4:55 PM **me** : It's been raining every day. Everyone says it hasn't rained continuously like this in a long time

4:56 PM **Michael** : Do you like it?

4:57 PM **me** : Yeah. Have you read my mail?

**Michael** : I just did

**me** : Okay.

4:59 PM **Michael** : i think i understand everything you had to say. Was there something you were hoping i would comment on?

5:01 PM **me** : I can't tell since i don't have the mail right in front of me. But if I were in your position, I would ask what specifically have I said that hurt so much.

5:02 PM **Michael** : that hurt me? I can't say that you have hurt me - puzzled me, and frustrated me at times :) but not hurt me

**me** : No, I meant that I would have liked it if you had asked me that

5:03 PM **Michael** : You mean, what have I done that has hurt you?

5:05 PM **me** : I mean that you know you have said things that hurt me but you never bothered to find out what exactly I found hurtful.

5:07 PM **Michael** : 1. What did you find hurtful?

5:10 PM **me** : Maybe, we shouldn't waste time on that. It's in the past.

5:11 PM **Michael** : okay

**me** : So how far with your writing?

5:13 PM **Michael** : i'm trying to send you a copy now, but my email isn't cooperating. There it goes; it should arrive soon

5:14 PM **me** : Got it.

5:16 PM **Michael** : I have no idea how many pages the text would translate into book pages, but I figure to be about a 1/3 of the way through

5:19 PM **me** : Looks like you have a title and you sent just the additional part. Would you want it to be about 150 - 200pages in all? Anyway, if you go to view and click reading view, it will arrange it and show you how many pages it translates into

5:20 PM **Michael** : ooh, i'll have to try that. I don't really have a title yet, just chapter headings; i'm looking for 300 pages.

5:21 PM looks like 82

5:22 PM **me** : 300 - that's great. Sounds more suitable for the kind of story and theme. Have you got anything on Peretti yet - not that it's important.

You're right then that you are 1/3 done.

**Michael** : no, not yet, but thanks for reminding me

5:23 PM **me** : Did you check out the church you mentioned?

5:25 PM **Michael** : Yes, It's a little too traditional for my tastes, but still a very humbling time

5:28 PM **me** : Yes, sometimes the more traditional churches make one feel more in awe of God.

Forgive the concord typo

5:29 PM **Michael** : no worries there; i especially enjoyed singing some of the old time hymns

**me** : I know what you mean...

**Michael** : how're things with you?

5:30 PM **me** : Okay.... Summer's a good time of year.

**Michael** : i always like the summer; none of that political/administrative rigmarole to worry about -

5:31 PM **me** : I guess you lost me there

5:32 PM **Michael** : the summer is a nice time; no meetings, no deadlines, no to-do lists

**me** : I see what you mean.

5:34 PM Looks like you get to the internet less frequently now

5:35 PM **Michael** : not at all; the internet thing has been frustrating

5:36 PM **me** : Any plans to fix it?

**Michael** : Yeah, they're working to put a high speed one

5:37 PM **me** : That's good.

5:38 PM Haven't heard from Shirley in a while. How're they?

5:39 PM **Michael** : They're retired now.

5:40 PM **me** : Is she in Minot?

5:41 PM **Michael** : No, they moved to Hawaii

5:42 PM **me** : Good for them – from temperate to tropical climate.

**Michael** : Not bad at all.

**me** : Great place to retire.

5:43 PM **Michael** : so tell me, since I have never asked before, what's your favorite flower?

5:44 PM **me** : Not sure I have a favorite, maybe tulips or lilies or zinnia. Planning on going to Seattle to watch Brandon Heath perform

5:45 PM **Michael** : when? With friends?

**me** : Yes. Same day soccer world cup ends so I hope the team I'll be rooting for lifts the cup

5:46 PM **Michael** : which team would you most like to see win the cup?

5:47 PM **me** : Brazil of course. Two reasons: 1. they have been most consistent generally 2. I like Kaka; he's a very nice guy.

5:49 PM **Michael** : Boo; though I did not know that about Kaka

**me** : I don't mind Spain winning too cos I just love Torres

5:50 PM **Michael** : the US team has come a long way but won't be playing the championship game, so I guess I'm pulling for England to finally figure themselves and play like a team

5:54 PM **me** : What's Boo? Yeah, I won't be surprised either but USA is currently ahead of England by goal points. I think France is in bigger *

**Michael** : France is done for; i said "Boo" because I don't like the Brazilian team

5:57 PM **me** : I guessed as much that you were booing them. At this point we can't really tell how it will go because no team is outstanding. I guess after the knock out stage things will get clearer. The team with a lucky streak so far seems to be New Zealand.

6:00 PM **Michael** : Germany looks tough, too; i'm sad to see the African teams not fairing so well

6:01 PM **me** : Don't remind me! First one in Africa and the African teams are doing worse than ever. Look at Cameroun leaving the world cup in the first run. As for Nigeria - let's not go there.

6:02 PM I think we should be calling it a day

6:03 PM **Michael** : okay - what do you plan for the rest of your afternoon?

6:05 PM **me** : Go to the non-profit where I volunteer.

6:06 PM **Michael** : what is it called? I hope you enjoy reading my ms.

**me** : BC Families in need. I'm sure I will. bye

6:07 PM **Michael** : bye

It was such chats that got me further hooked on Michael.

## Chapter Eleven

There was a part of me that disliked my feelings for Michael. I wished I disliked him. I sometimes felt anger rising up from within against him but then I reminded myself that he was not to blame for anything. I was responsible for whatever feelings I had for him. I still felt like he had let me down. Consequently, I started keeping back information about goings-on in my life. I never let on what had been my horrendous experience since arriving in Victoria. He had lost his position as my confidante. The surprising thing was that I was okay with him not occupying that position anymore. In spite of our supposed friendship, I still wondered if I really knew him and if he was telling me the truth about a lot of things. I feared I would never trust him again.

Nonetheless, as months and seasons went by, we continued to chat.

Jun 24

5:07 PM **Michael** : hey

**me** : Hey, I thought we weren't going to chat today

5:08 PM **Michael** : why would you think that?

**me** : I don't know... maybe because you didn't mention my last mail to u.

5:09 PM **Michael** : which one?

**me** : The one with feedback on your report.

5:10 PM **Michael** : i just got it right now

**me** : That's the only mail

5:11 PM **Michael** : i've already skimmed over your comments, and you raise some good points, so I need to think about how to incorporate them

**me** : Okay

5:13 PM **Michael** : i sent you one about my thoughts on your revised ms, though I neglected to send you a copy with my comments - only because I left my hard drive at home. Next time. But I promise, I have read it! ;)

**me** : No problem.

5:15 PM **Michael** : btw: the purse" reference is a take off of "family jewels"

**me** : isn't that informal language?

5:16 PM **Michael** : I was trying to be discreet, but perhaps have become indiscreet.

**me** : since it's a well known slang, I guess it's okay.

5:17 PM **Michael** : i think most western readers would get the reference, but perhaps not

5:20 PM that reminds me of a Bible translation story - this one team was working on the verse where Jesus tells his disciples to cast their nets to go fishing; their native co-translators gave them a word for nets, who assured them that it could be used for fishing; they tested it out and people got the point of the verse, so everything was good. Well, during a church service when the verse was read aloud to the congregation, all the women began to laugh - but shyly, trying to conceal it. Puzzled, the translators did some more checking, only to find out that this native word for "net" was also a female slang word for "scrotum" and since they never checked the verse with female speakers, they didn't pick up on the double entendre.

5:21 PM **me** : This happened?

**Michael** : so sworn to me by a grizzled Bible translator.

**me** : Sounds like something in a funny movie.

5:22 PM **Michael** : language is a tricky thing, and you have to be very careful how you translate - what sounds perfectly acceptable, can be disastrous

**me** : True

**Michael** : How're things over there?

5:27 PM **me** : It's been raining a loooot

5:28 PM **Michael** : that is good, though perhaps a bit too much now

5:30 PM **me** : Can it be too much?

**Michael** : Noah might think so

**me** : He needed it for his boat to keep afloat.

5:31 PM **Michael** : perhaps those who didn't get onboard!

5:32 PM **me** : :) I see what you mean (yawning).

**Michael** : well, i gotta run

5:33 PM **me** : Okay.

5:34 PM **Michael** : see you

**********

**Another chat with** **Michael**

Jun 28

5:16 PM **Michael** : hey, how are you

5:17 PM **me** : Fine, and you?

5:18 PM **Michael** : okay all in all

**me** : We sound boring, don't you think?

5:20 PM **Michael** : well, what can you say? I just sent you an email with your ms's comments

5:21 PM **me** : Thanks

5:22 PM **Michael** : You okay?

5:25 PM **me** : yeah, no worries

5:26 PM **Michael** : Did you get my email?

**me** : Yes, thanks for the nice things you said to me.

5:27 PM **Michael** : Just being honest.

5:28 PM **me** : 

5:29 PM **Michael** : You're graceful, caring, and other things I wrote.... How's the weather?

5:31 PM **me** : Hmmm... Still looks cloudy which isn't so good for my mood but I'm getting used to it.

5:33 PM **Michael** : how are things going in general?

5:34 PM **me** : Good. I'm not sure I know what u mean though

5:35 PM **Michael** : just curious how you are doing, and what's going on with you? have you gone anywhere or done anything special lately?

5:37 PM **me** : not much actually.... I have finished the first draft of the biker story and am revising it to increase the word count.

5:38 PM **Michael** : Wow on your story!

5:39 PM **me** : Thanks

**Michael** : really, you're a machine

**me** : How?

5:40 PM **Michael** : you work very quickly and efficiently, while I just seem to plod along

5:41 PM **me** : You have many distractions while I don't. Also, it's a matter of attitude. While you seem content plodding along, I seem to want more out of life.

**Michael** : oh, snap!

5:42 PM **me** : hahaha. You know I'm right.

5:43 PM **Michael** : ouch, now you're being harsh; you really think that's my attitude?

5:46 PM **me** : Well, you had said so yourself.

5:47 PM **Michael** : It sounded different coming from you 

5:48 PM **me** : I know what you mean.

**Michael** : Human nature

5:50 PM **me** : :) We don't mind criticizing ourselves....

5:51 PM **Michael** : But mind when others do....

5:52 PM **me** : You are right of course.

**Michael** : point taken

5:53 PM **me** : My oh my. Someone is fuming

5:54 PM **Michael** : not at all

**me** : I believe you. i know u always tell me as it is and I you. That way there can never be bitterness between us.

5:56 PM **Michael** : i would hope not;

5:59 PM **me** : have you done the diagrams?

6:00 PM **Michael** : no, but I am revising the body; we'll see how it pans out

6:01 PM **me** : Well, it's yours to do with as you please. Don't let your sentiments get in the way though.

6:02 PM **Michael** : you still there?

**me** : Yes.

6:03 PM **Michael** : i just got a message that "Erin did not receive your chat."

6:04 PM **me** : I got it. It is showing on ur screen right?

**Michael** : it is now

6:05 PM **me** : Are you working on your report right now?

**Michael** : not at the moment, maybe tomorrow

6:06 PM me: What are u working on now?

**Michael** : chatting with you and surfing the net; mostly keeping up with the baseball scores

6:07 PM **me** : Sorry about USA and England. Like you said, the Germans are good. I also watched the Brazil-Chile match this morning.

6:08 PM **Michael** : well, I didn't think USA would go much further; Brazil looks tough

6:10 PM **me** : I'll send you my biker story when I think I have revised it enough for editing. You can tire it apart so that we can turn it into a bestseller. If you do a 'good' job, you can even put your label on it.

6:11 PM tear it apart

**Michael** : I'll write a critic's blurb for you

6:12 PM **me** : What's that? educate me!

6:13 PM **Michael** : you know, the statements on the back of the book "a scintillating book" "I loved it" etc

**me** : Ohhh. You have to be well known to do that? Would u be by then:)

**Michael** : maybe, but I doubt it

6:14 PM **me** : Pessimist!

**Michael** : realist

6:15 PM **me** : Things don't happen that way. What u see is not reality except u make it so. Perhaps u are afraid of success.

6:17 PM **Michael** : perhaps - maybe I'll give it another go and see if I get inspired

6:18 PM **me** : What's the problem?

6:19 PM **Michael** : I want to make sure I can accurately capture that tension without making the presentation seem wishywashy

**me** : It'll come to you...

6:20 PM **Michael** : hmmm

6:21 PM Bye for now.

**Michael** : Talk to you soon

No reply from me.

Michael

to me

Jul 1

Hi!

I want to let you know that I received your manuscript and will start to read through it. I'm still working through the other ms. Do you want me to focus on this new one, or wait until I finish the other?

I found a new gym today in town. I have been biking regularly, but this was the first time in a gym in some time. Ouch, I think I will be sore tonight.

My prayers and hopes that you are doing well.

Me

**********

Jul 1

Hey,

Glad to hear about the biking and gym! I had wondered a few times.

I'll leave it up to you to decide how you want to go with the two manuscripts. If you want to read the new one now, that will be great. If you want to finish the other, no problem.

You won't believe what I just found! I just discovered some women's clubs in Victoria. They have programs especially for women who have moved to Victoria recently. There's one I hope to join and they'll be having a dinner @ the University Club, University of Victoria. They do lots of fun stuff like hiking, cycling, Saturday morning walk, book club, Writers' Group, movie club, ladies pub night, bridge, golf, bird watching, scrabble, etc etc. Did you know that Victoria has North America's second highest number of restaurants per capita? Did you know that from age 50 one gets seniors' discount on hotels, buses, etc?

Well, bye for now. Have fun!

Me

## Chapter Twelve

The next few days went by without any abnormal interaction with Michael.

What's new was that I had met someone I liked; as in a girlfriend. Sandra was introduced to me by the administrative assistant at BC Families in Need where she was a volunteer.

We had left the building together and decided to stop for coffee.

Sandra explained why we had never met. "I usually volunteer on Mondays with Karen but she'll be away on vacation starting tomorrow."

"Makes sense. How long have you been with BCFIN?"

"Over a year now. I enjoy helping people." Sandra beamed a lovely smile as she looked at me over her glasses. I could still see her beautiful dark eyes. She was the first Aboriginal person I knew closely.

"Do you work any place else?"

"Not at the moment. I just went back to school... Camosun College."

I nodded. "Do you have kids?" I saw no wedding ring on her finger.

Her eyes lit up as she smiled again. "Yes, a daughter. She studied at Vancouver Island University and now works at the Empress Hotel." Sandra looked like she was in her thirties.

"You must have been very young when you had her."

"Not really. I was twenty and now 43."

"You certainly don't look forty," I said shaking my head.

She laughed heartily this time. "So how old are you?"

"Almost 37. Divorced. No kids yet."

"Don't look so sad. You have the time to marry and have kids if those are what you want."

"You think? I don't know anyone here and don't socialize at all."

"I'm from Nova Scotia and know only a few people on the island." She moved her coffee and Hash Browns aside and leaned closer. "My daughter met her boyfriend online. He was a postgrad student at UBC then. She goes to visit him in Vancouver all the time."

I took a bite of my donut. I chewed for a while. "Isn't that dangerous?"

She drank her coffee. "Every romantic relationship involves taking risks even if you both grew up in the same town and attended same schools. It was like that with my ex but it didn't work out."

"Have you tried online dating yourself?"

"A few times but I haven't met someone I like yet."

"Have you gone on dates with any of them?" My eyes were getting wider.

"A few." I thought my eyes were going to pop. Sandra burst into another infectious laughter, pushing her thick dark hair away from her face.

I just smiled and shook my head. Sandra was so cheerful and amiable that I knew we were going to be great friends.

She touched my wrist. "Think about it. You need to take risks to achieve your goals."

**********

Michael

Jul 3

to me

Hi,

Just wanted to let you know that I heard about the misunderstanding you had with HR about getting a copy of that proposal and I am looking into it. I know it's not a protected document. In fact, I think you have every right to expect to receive your copy since you researched and wrote it. That is only fair.

On the aside, I'll like to say that I have no intention of forgetting about you or abandoning this friendship

Me

I was beginning to feel like Michael was playing a cat and mouse game with me. Whenever I seemed to be getting him out of my mind, he would write or do something that 'got me back in line'. I knew I needed to create some emotional distance between us but I had no clue how to go about it.

I decided not to respond to his email. That same week, I received another email from him.

Michael

Jul 7

to me

Hey,

Happy Birthday again! I wasn't sure when your card would actually arrive, so if it came early I'm sorry for that. I also hope you like the singing kitten. I found it both cute and a little unsettling. Anyway, I hope you liked it.

By the way, I watched the World Cup championship today, and have to say I'm disappointed. Neither team played very well I thought, but I supposed Spain played better, and so deserved the win. All the whistles prevented any kind of flow from developing, but then you can't blame the ref if the players are going to kick each other and take dives.

As a rule I don't kill bugs, unless they happen to be cockroaches, flies, or ants - especially if any of those are in my house. Spiders I usually like (but not in my shorts). I used to keep spiders for "pets" as a boy - I catch one and put in a jar, and then feed it flies. Black widow spiders, though, are an exception - those are nasty ones, and aggressive. Are you afraid of bugs?

Happy BD again. Do something nice for yourself as a present.

Me

One thing about Michael was that he never ever forgot my birthday. He was always the first person to send me birthday wishes. That meant a lot to me.

**Erin** show details Jul 10

to Michael

Hey,

Thanks!

I haven't been able to listen to the music cos the computer I'm using has no sound. Why did you find it a little unsettling?

I must say, I haven't watched a finals that was this emotion packed. I'll get back to u on the rest of your mail later.

Me

**Michael** show details Jul 11

to me

Hey,

Since you left, we haven't been able to get a replacement for you. I just interviewed qualified candidates to fill the position but at a slightly lower level. For some weird reason, it has dawned on me in a new way that you are not here anymore. I felt very odd (and lonely). I still miss looking up and seeing you at my door. And I miss your genuine, warm smile.

Me

PS - I guess I find the kitten creepy because he has his eyes closed and is singing. Kittens aren't supposed to sing.

**********

**Michael** show details Jul 19

to me

Hey,

I'm so sorry I haven't written in a while. This isn't much of an excuse, but I've been very busy and just haven't been able to get on line in the past few days. I'll be off to a conference tomorrow. I should have more time to write tomorrow once I'm in Hawaii and settled for the night. I arrive in Honolulu around 2:30 p.m. local time (not sure what that is in Victoria, maybe 4:30?), so I'll write you something longer then.

Me

PS - Despite this, how are you doing?

**********

I did not reply until the following evening.

Hi,

Hope you have a great time at the conference. Will you be meeting up with Shirley and her hubby? Say me well to them. I have an interview tomorrow for the position of logistics coordinator at a government agency. I already interviewed to be case officer at a non-profit. I haven't heard back from them yet.

Take care

Michael wrote back after a week.

Michael

Jul 26

Hello,

My jet lag has indeed worn off, and I'm pretty much back to my normal schedule – in bed by 10 or 10:30, and up by 7. Spent most of yesterday working on the office area. With new staff coming in (7 of them!) we have to find spaces for them all. With Arnold's help, we did a fair amount of sorting and tossing. We started with the main lounge area, which is always a mess and very crowded. We pitched a bunch of junk that had been lying around since I've been here. We also removed a small table from the office lounge area, which made room for a bookcase. So, all in all, things look much neater now. I still have a ways to go. I need to find some extra desks and do some more rearranging, but at least we're better off than before.

Are you thinking of career change? I won't dissuade you one way or another. I only hope that whatever you end up doing, you will still have time to write and pursue a career as an author. I meant what I said when I said I admire your writing. You have a talent with words, and I enjoy reading your stories and appreciate the honor you give me not only by allowing me to read what you have written, but also by accepting my comments.

Take care and enjoy the bounties of Victoria.

Me

**********

Before I could reply, he wrote again.

Jul 28

_Hello_ ,

It's still very quiet here, which in some ways is kind of nice, though a bit lonely. I especially like not having all these administrators around wanting to have meetings every other day. I do have my first meeting since coming back this afternoon. But I know, all too soon, people will be returning, and my email box will be filling up with emergency requests and problems. Best to enjoy the solitude while I can.

There's not much else to say. I'm going to go down to Staples and buy some folders for the new staff. Arnold already collected some things from Lynn, so we'll have a kind of starter pack ready. Take care and enjoy those hills.

Me

## Chapter Thirteen

I got a job as case officer at Big Brothers Big Sisters of Victoria. The pay was less than I was making at the Peace Institute but I did not mind. Working for a non-profit organization always gave me great pleasure and fulfilment. Also, I had enough to pay my bills and put away a little.

I had grown in many ways but I was still the same in some others. One of the things I had learned was that everyone was struggling with peculiar insecurities – it did not matter how attractive one actually was. Some people never admitted it though. Everyone was affected by the approval or disapproval of those they cared about. Denying its existence did not remove the feeling of insecurity. From time to time, even a beautiful model shocked the world by publicly confessing what they had been through sometime in their career.

Landing that job was a major breakthrough. My long term goal was to be a published full-time novelist but for now, I needed to work. I heaved a sigh of relief that since returning to Canada, the first glimmer of light was beginning to shine through the tunnel. The light was that of success, open doors, not an approaching train. I was very thankful.

One thing that remained sluggish was my social life which would have been non-existent had it not been for Sandra's friendship.

Sandra and I were meeting for breakfast on Saturday morning when she invited me to a singles dance in downtown Victoria.

"Sorry, I can't," I said almost in a panic. I made a grab for my roasted vegetable Panini and focused on eating.

"Come on. It will be fun. I've gone a couple of times before." Sandra tried to change my mind but I was not giving in. I had not danced since college and did not intend to go make a fool of myself.

"Not this time, Sandra. Go have fun."

"So how do you intend to meet any man if you won't go to social events, the pub, or even try to connect with them online?"

I did not answer. Sandra shrugged and began to eat the roasted tomato and mozzarella Panini she had ordered with her latte.

I was not sure if Sandra was pissed off or just frustrated but she soon gave me an understanding smile and said, "I'll have to think of other ways to get you to come out of your shell and meet men. You're beautiful and there are lots of men out there. But you need to show them that you exist and are available."

"But I am not looking for men," I said, hoping she understood.

"Mr. Right is out there. How is he gonna find you if all you do is stay home after work? "

She had a point there. I gave her a sheepish smile.

She just rolled her eyes at me and continued eating.

**********

I still received random emails from Michael. I was impressed by the fact that he remembered that I grew up knowing little about my country, having spent most of my growing up years as young adult away from Canadians. My return to Canada as an adult made me feel like, in some ways, I had skipped important aspects of who I really was. There was no doubt that I had made the right decision.

Michael

Aug 1

to me

Hello, eh?

Have you adopted the tag question "eh" to your speech yet? Perhaps it's a bit stereotypical, but at least in the Midwest the running joke is that all Canadians end their sentences with "eh." So, for example:

" _Cold out today, eh?"_

" _You betcha, it's a cold one, eh?"_

I doubt it's as prevalent as we make it out to be, but I wouldn't be surprised if you've run across it from time to time. And, I'm sure Canucks have jokes about the way Americans talk. Speaking of which, have you ever heard of the song "American Idiot" by Green Day? It's a rock n' roll song about the insidiousness of the US media, and how it controls the way people think. One part of the song goes, "Don't want to be an American idiot, One nation controlled by the media, Information nation of hysteria, Calling out to idiot America." A few years later, the artist Weird Al Yankovich, who satirizes popular songs, wrote one called "Canadian Idiot." A part of his song goes:

Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot

Won't figure out their temperature in Celsius

See the map, they're hoverin' right over us

Tell you the truth, it makes me kinda nervous

Anyway, it's a hoot if you know "American Idiot" and Canadians. I'm half thinking of using it as one of the songs in a volunteer ESL teaching I'm doing this fall. Kind of a crash course in American and Canadian culture.

My weekend was very quiet. I'm sure it's one of the last ones where I will have two days to just do whatever I want, which was basically nothing. I did do my laundry, and I went to the gym. Otherwise, I worked on crossword puzzles and watched movies.

Today, I've been working on getting offices ready for the newbies. We moved additional furniture into your old office so Cory and Matt (new staff) will each have a place to work. I have to say feeling a little wistful standing in it. I could still catch a whiff of your perfume in the air and I remembered the talks we had in there. Despite what you may think, I do miss you, and I know the place is emptier as a result.

Are you a cat person or a dog person? I prefer cats, though I can tolerate some dogs. I guess dogs are too dependent for me. If I were to have a dog, it would have to be a Labrador, or some larger dog.

In other news, your package arrived. I have hand delivered some postcards to those who happened to be around at the time. The others I have put in their respective mailboxes. Thank you for the cards – Victoria does look like a beautiful city. And I will be sure to pass onto Lynn one of the calendars and a fridge magnet.

Well, back to the grind. Take care.

Me

I enjoyed reading Michael's email. I was little when we left Canada and had no idea what Michael was talking about. I did not know there was any rivalry between our two countries. Growing up, I never saw myself as different from other American kids. As an adult, I knew I had to renew my Canadian passport at specific times but the PI took care of work permits for its employees everywhere in the world. As far as I was concerned Canada and USA were like siblings.

Michael and I continued to chat and exchange emails. Although I still felt that the relationship was unhealthy, I did not break free. Was that how drug addicts felt when they became hooked on drugs? It was a prison with momentary bursts of excitement that was only skin deep. It was not good for anyone and it had no tangible rewards. It was a dead end. I needed to turn around and leave. Good idea!

I did not arrive at any clear decision. However, I began to browse the web looking for useful information about women coming out of unhealthy relationships. I saw some useful information, including a recommended book "My Life My Way" by Peggy Yan and Chad Leeks. Luckily, there was a copy in one of the branches of the Greater Victoria Library. I requested it and it was sent to the Esquimalt branch where I wanted to pick it up.

I was not a fan of non-fiction books. So, it felt like I was reading a textbook but I drudged on. It was a good book for me to be reading at that time. It worked the reader through the healing process up to starting a new intimate relationship. It helped me understand the effects the abusive marriage had on me and how to move past those effects. Interestingly, it also helped me understand why I always panicked each time Dick and I had a fight. Sadly, I had the same panic attack whenever Michael and I had a disagreement.

## Chapter Fourteen

"What do you mean, 'he just left'?" I asked Sandra, flabbergasted by what she was telling me about a guy she had met online and gone on a date with. I was visiting her at her apartment on Roberts Street, not far from the Cape Breton base.

Sandra exhaled, sat back, and slowly repeated it like someone trying to enunciate clearly, "He just left." When I continued to stare at her in speechless amazement, she continued. "He picked me up in front of my apartment building. We went to one of the coffee shops on Esquimalt Road – you know the one near the mall...."

I nodded. I was astonished but Sandra was calm. I was not sure whether to be worried or relieved. Was her calmness an indication that she had lost complete trust in men? Did she believe there were no good men out there anymore? What about you? Have you given up on finding true love? That voice again. I refused to ponder the idea.

Sandra continued. "We ordered coffee and he wanted me to pay for mine and I did. We sat and were having what looked like a normal conversation. Maybe half hour later, I excused myself to go to the washroom. I was back in less than five minutes, and he was gone. I waited for some time thinking he had gone to the restroom. Next, I went outside to see if his car was still there. It was not – he had left."

"What a jerk! What did you do?"

"I called a cab and went home."

"What kind of human being does that?"

"Since then, he's been constantly online. I should write something there warning women about him."

"It may not be wise, especially since he knows where you live. He could be a criminal of sorts or a nut case. I was told there are many people out there with mental illness since the government stopped part of the hospitalization funding some years back."

"You're right. It's one of those risks one has to take with dating regardless of whether you met online or at the pub."

'Some would say it's worse with online dating."

"I disagree. Both have their failures and successes. I know someone who met a guy at the gym. He hit on her and she was attracted to him right from start. However, he had another girlfriend. Both women were visiting his house without knowing about each other's existence until it all came out. Thanks to Facebook!"

"It's the height of irresponsibility to start dating another woman without first breaking up with the other. It's a mean, heartless behaviour if you ask me."

"True, best to end the relationship than be in it and cheat on your partner."

"So I was wondering if the recent experience will make you rethink your stance on online dating."

Sandra looked at me like 'did I hear you correctly?'. "No way, my friend. It's such fun meeting new people all the time. You know what they say about many fishes in the sea."

I had to admit that Sandra was an enigma. I saw no point in dwelling on why she was still on the dating sites. My conclusion was that she was having fun. However, something in her reply made me frown. "Didn't you once mention a similar name for a dating site?"

Sandra nodded. "Sure did. It's the most popular site locally."

"I guess some homeless and jobless people are there too, pretending to be some executive or millionaire," I said feigning genuine interest in the site.

Sandra gave me a knowing look. She understood my intent was to disparage online dating but she was not perturbed. "I know so for sure. A colleague once did fall for someone like that but that's a long story. The trick is to communicate online in the evening with people you are interested in – when most people are home and public libraries with free internet services are closed. Also, beware of men who say they are self-employed."

I beamed at Sandra. "Wow, that's so smart. You should start a blog for online daters."

"And you one for online haters."

"That's unfair. I have nothing against the internet or any electronic media. My feelings about online dating are based on natural self-preservation tendencies."

"I hear you," Sandra said. "Are you ready to leave?"

"Sure, let's get outta here."

We were going downtown to do some shopping at The Bay Centre and then Mayfair Mall. Last month we had gone to the Hillside Mall and we had so much fun we decided to make it a monthly affair. It was mostly window shopping, trying out clothes and taking photos, checking out latest books at Chapters or other bookstores, and buying a few things. It was all about fashion and learning; no grocery shopping during such outings except if it was absolutely necessary. Stopping for ice cream, lunch or dinner was part of the plan.

Sandra and I had already decided that we would go to Uptown Mall next. After visiting a few of the stores, we would stop at a coffee shop for cappuccino before leaving the mall. We also planned on going to a popular restaurant on Pandora Avenue for dinner. Since Victoria was famous for its numerous cuisines from around the world, I was looking forward to exploring as many restaurants as possible.

Smiling, I picked up my pebble leather cross body bag and got up. Sandra took her purse from the dining table and hung it on her left shoulder. She put her right arm around my waist as we left. She did that often, even when we were out in the public. At first I had worried people might think we were a couple but I gradually got used to it. Sandra had a lovely heart.

**********

It was Sunday evening. I had attended the 10:00am church service. The congregation as always seemed friendly; yet, I had not made any friends. It had always been difficult for me to form close friendships because I was uncomfortable seeking out people.

I had attended the women's group meeting a couple of times and enjoyed the fellowship. It was a weekly meeting that took place at the church every Wednesday morning. Since I started working fulltime, I had not been able to attend. A few women from church had invited me to Easter and Christmas parties at their homes but I had not attended. Regrettably, that was my style. I always went solo. I knew I needed to change some in that area. My friendship with Sandra was a step in the right direction. We met at least once each week except when she was out of town.

I stared at the TV screen, noticing that a repeat of The Voice was on. I was beginning to enjoy watching The Voice more than American Idol. I liked the current judges on American Idol, especially Jennifer Lopez and Keith Urban. Although I knew nothing about Harry Connick, Jr., I absolutely liked his personality. I also liked Blake Shelton, Usher, and Shakira – judges on The Voice. I did not know much about Adam. In my opinion, the contestants on The Voice were way better than those on American Idol. The former had a more entertaining competition process as well. I focused on watching the show, relaxing all alone – by myself. I liked Sundays.

As the last two from Adam's team were about to sing, I heard a gentle tap on my front door. I peeked through the hole...., it was a delivery guy. I had not ordered anything online. When was the last time I.... Upon closer scrutiny, my face pressed further against the door, I realized it was pizza delivery. I did not order pizza. In movies, I had seen people tricked into opening their doors by offer of tantalizing pizza and I was not going to fall for it. A firm knock shook me out of my reverie; I moved away from the door.

"I didn't order pizza," I spoke trying not to let my panic show.

"Your friend did and asked that it be delivered to this address."

He must think I was stupid. "I'll give you 'A' for effort."

"M'am, would you like me to leave with the pizza?"

I was trying not to be irritated and impolite. "I didn't order pizza and know no one who did."

" No worries...."

Just then I heard the click of heels and someone was talking. I peered through the hole again thankful to whoever invented the use of peepholes.

Sandra. Did she....

"Erin, you in there? Open up."

I immediately did. "Sandra, nice to see you."

"I can see my well-planned surprise worked."

Sandra was holding the box of pizza. "You ordered the pizza?" I looked around but the delivery guy had already left.

"I did. Looks like you were giving the delivery guy a hard time."

"I wasn't sure it was really a pizza delivery guy."

Sandra shut the door as we walked towards the living room. "You have been watching too many investigation or PD movies and TV shows."

She was right. I did not consider myself a couch potato but I watched a lot of TV. Spending so much time at home alone meant I had to find ways to occupy myself when I was not writing. And my favourite things were TV, reading and my treadmill.

I smiled. "So, what are we celebrating?"

Sandra stood like she was a participant on America's Next Top Model. "You are looking at the new Admin Assistant for the youngest and newest partner at Wilcox and Wilcox law firm."

"Wow! You got the job?" I knew she had applied for the position although she had no experience working in a law firm. She was studying at Camosun College to be a legal secretary and had done short stints as an administrative secretary at DND.

Sandra beamed. "Sure did."

I hugged her. "So proud of you girl!"

Sandra said, "I couldn't hold back the excitement and just wanted to come celebrate with you."

"What better way than with pizza."

As Sandra sat on my loveseat, I went to the refrigerator and brought out two cans of ginger ale and put them on my small, oval dining table. Then, I got out two wine glasses from the chest of drawers. I had a bottle of red wine in the fridge. I took the wine and poured a little into each glass.

I handed a glass to Sandra. "To the kindest, loveliest, most intelligent woman I know. May your career blossom into everything you have ever dreamed it would be like and even more!"

"Amen!"

That was a beautiful part of my Sunday evening that I had not anticipated. It was a wonderful surprise and filled me with renewed joy.

## Chapter Fifteen

"Marriage made in heaven is not a clichéd expression here; it's the reality you get when you join us at www.hisoulmate.com."

Was it 'Hi Soulmate' or 'His soulmate'? The latter sounded gender-biased. It must be the former because of the single 's'.

I read the advertisement again. My skeptical eyes ran through the testimonies of couples who had been matched successfully by that matchmaking cum dating services provider located in Vancouver but serving the entire BC province. There were also glowing reports from those who were not matched; yet found each other on the site. Should I try this? Why not, what do you have to lose? At least, it will be fun and help refocus your thoughts. That was the familiar voice.

My eyes lingered on the page. Yet I hesitated. My thoughts went back to all the online dating sites Sandra had recommended. A month ago, I had registered with two but nothing romantic was developing between me and anyone. All the men who showed interest in me were the kind of men I was not interested in. I had communicated with a few but kept shillyshallying – my trademark – whenever someone who lived in Washington State or somewhere in BC wanted us to meet. I just stopped replying their emails for no reason.

But I justified myself: I was not playing games with them. It seemed surreal attempting to get a life partner through the Internet. Perhaps I should say 'e-partner'. 'E-partners for free.' How weird!

Another hitch was that I felt very uncomfortable putting up my photo for the entire world to see. What if someone who knew me saw it? Although, over the years, I had lost touch with most friends and family, the thought of any of them seeing my photo on a dating site sent chills down my spine. Therefore, on those two dating sites, I never uploaded a single photo. In fact, I ended communication with each new contact when they asked to see my photo. Others had been okay with meeting me in person but I also closed those chapters soon after they asked to meet me.

My eyes were drawn to my laptop again. I clicked on the link to the 'Hisoulmate' website. Staring at me were two different couples. One couple was in an inter-racial relationship and the other couple was of same race. Both couples looked happy and fulfilled. I had a special respect for couples in inter-racial relationships because they had unique hurdles to cross and were bold enough not to care what others thought. That showed their strength and depth of love for each other.

I allowed my eyes to read the couples' testimonials:

Hisoulmate.ca helped us find each other. We were so perfectly matched that we did not have to look any further. We're in our fifties and never thought we would meet anyone we would consider our ideal partner. Many thanks to hisoulmate, for finding us for each other! We feel truly blessed. We've been married five years and it has been an incredible journey together!

The second testimonial:

Thanks to hisoulmate for helping us find each other. Before meeting my husband, I didn't believe in soul mates. But now I do. It's a mystery unraveled when you find him or her. We've been married for three years now and ours is indeed a marriage made in heaven!

Tears filled my eyes as I longed for the love of that special someone that had eluded me. Not just someone who loved me; but also whom I loved in return. I could never fake or force it. Why was my love life so messed up?

As my thoughts focused on Dick and Michael, my heart began to harden towards them. It was me against them. The two had an evil streak. Then what are you doing still being friends with Michael? The voice had emphasized the word 'friends'. I was not sure what I was still doing with him. Did he cast a spell on me or what? He could be a compulsive liar for all I knew. Where were such bizarre thoughts coming from? Was it me or the voice that spoke just now? I began to fret because I could not tell.

My computer screen timed out since it had been idle for five minutes and the screen saver began a slide show of one hundred – not seven – wonders of the world. But I was not interested. After all, I was a wonder myself: a girl who gravitated towards bad boys or unavailable men. That was me.

My mind shifted to the reality TV show, 'The Millionaire Matchmaker'. I was drawn to the show not because I was looking to get hitched with a millionaire but because of the processing involved and choices the participants made. I often laughed so hard or got angry with a 50 year old man who wanted a 23-year old girl for his future wife. The match maker sometimes succeeded in convincing the delusional middle aged man that the young woman was not right for him.

The slideshow then returned my attention to the computer. I pressed a key and the online dating site stared unblinkingly at me. I imagined it asking me: 'What are you going to do? Are you for us or against us?' I could not answer fast enough. Then I imagined that it sighed in frustration. I was thinking to say "I'll pass...." when that familiar voice interrupted 'Don't even dare!' I was stunned for a few seconds. The voice had always been gentle until now. Trust me to do the unexpected. I decided to heed its counsel when I usually would not – at least not with alacrity.

I read the text above the contact button. I hesitated briefly; then clicked the 'Contact Us' tab and filled out the short form.

The following day, I got a reply.

Dear Erin, thank you for contacting us. At HiSoulmate, we arrange a telephone interview with interested clients and then send them a manageable number of matches to look at. We will also send your profile to all the prospective matches we have forwarded to you. That way, you or they can initiate the first contact. Please complete the attached form and return it to us. Your information is safe with us. Expect a call from us at 3pm PST tomorrow to discuss specifics and fees. Thank you again for your interest in our dating services. – HS Team

The following day, I took a short break just before 3pm and went outside the office building. I sat at a secluded corner near the parking lot. I used my password to open my Nexus 4 android phone. Remembering that they would ask for my photo, I tapped the 'Gallery' icon and began to look at my photos. I was never comfortable having my photo taken because I believed I was not photogenic. After going through the pictures, I could not find any that I thought suitable. I breathed out and wondered what I was going to do about it. There was no way I was going to dress up and get my photo taken or go to a photo studio to get a snapshot. No way! The whole dating thing was not worth all that effort. Not when you're going to pay. That voice of wisdom. It was right of course: if I was willing to spend even a dime then I had better be sure I took the entire dating activity seriously.

The call came through a couple of minutes after 3pm. It was a female voice.

**Me** : Hello

**Female Voice** : Hello. Is this Erin?

**Me** : Speaking

**Female Voice** : Hi Erin, this is Tess from HiSoulmate.

**Me** : Hi Tess

**Tess** : Thanks for your interest in using our services. I can promise you that we are one of the most reliable, cost-effective and result-oriented organizations in this business. I have gone through your file and I am excited to say that we have generated the most suitable matches for you. Every client we are working with has provided information (just like you did) which we check out before matching them with anyone. So, you don't have to worry about people who engage in identity theft or supply false information.

**Me** : That's a relief.

**Tess** : Yes. We can't vouch for their character but we can tell you that they are who they claim to be in terms of names, marital status, age, physical appearance, work and such information. We, however, don't do criminal checks.

**Me** : That's fine. What about the fee?

**Tess** : If you decide that you want to use our services, we charge a starting fee of $100 which expires after one year. That's basically for matching you with prospective dates and you can take it from there. However, if you would like us to handpick a couple of guys and arrange your first date, then you will be charged more depending on certain criteria. For instance, if you are looking for a millionaire....

I burst out laughing. "Really?"

**Tess** : Well, that kind of service often requires things like makeovers in appearance and skills....

Her voice trailed off.

**Me** : Wow! Didn't know that was possible. Not even on the TV show 'The Millionaire Matchmaker.'

**Tess** : I know. We get all kinds of requests and are open to helping our clients achieve their goals.

**Me** : I'll be fine with a regular guy. Not looking for a millionaire.

**Tess** : Sounds good. We'll send you your first set of matches as soon as we receive your payment. Do you know what payment methods are available?

**Me** : Yes, I saw that on your website.

**Tess** : Perfect. Do you have any questions?

**Me** : No, not at this time

**Tess** : Feel free to contact me anytime and I'll get back to you ASAP. My email is datingscribe09@hisoulmate.ca. By the way, do remember to put up at least one photo on your profile.

**Me** : Sounds good. Will do.

**Tess** : I hope you find your soulmate here, Erin. Wishing you success on this exciting and worthy adventure!

**Me** : Thanks.

**Tess** : Bye for now.

I ended the call. I did not go back to the office immediately. I decided to go over my pictures again and upload a few. While I knew it was advantageous to put up attractive photos, I also felt that I would feel better if I turned out to be more attractive in person than my photos depicted. I had a smile as I walked back into the office.

When I got home that evening, I was still feeling very excited. I could not really figure out why. I took my time preparing a nice dinner of mashed potatoes and fried chicken for myself. I had two bottles of red wine, one from turkey and the other from South Africa. I had bought them on one of my shopping outings with Sandra. I opened one and poured myself half a glass. Although I liked dry red wine, I preferred sweet red wine.

Still bubbling with the new-found excitement, I did not delay making the online payment for my dating subscription. My laptop was already on the dining table I had bought last month at a garage sale. I began to transfer my photos from my phone to my laptop so I could see them better. I wanted to put up more photos on my dating profile. I ate as I uploaded three more pictures and then made the payment. All set.

Who will the lucky guy be? I was not sure any guy would feel lucky after he got to know me. I was naïve, clingy and with some baggage. Who didn't have baggage? It was one of the several times the voice offered me solace.

## Chapter Sixteen

After a month of shilly-shallying on hisoulmate, I gradually began to give the men a chance. There were three whom I decided to respond to their show of interest. The movies, food and music they liked were not important. I did not want clones of myself. I was also adaptable by nature; so their preference was not an issue in helping me decide who to enter into communication with. I was a disciple of life-long learning.

I began to take a closer look at the pictures and profiles. It took time but I had plenty of that on my hands since I did not go anywhere after work. Sandra was the only person I hung out with but she had travelled to Halifax to visit her family.

As I continued to browse the dating site, I came across some profiles that made me conclude that some of the men were delusional. There was one I got irritated with and tickled at the same time just thinking of him. He wanted us to start a relationship he hoped would progress to marriage. He enumerated in essay length what he wanted in 'his woman'. There was no mention of inner beauty. He did not neglect to toot his excellent qualities that would make him a great catch. One of his photos was displayed beside my inbox. My eyes repeatedly made a hasty visitation there. His bulging stomach was accentuated by ill-fitting shirt and pants. He looked bloated all over, including his face; like he was going to burst. He had said he was a visual person and wanted a beautiful girl – of which he graciously conceded that I fitted the bill. However, the trouble was that I was also a visual person and he did not meet my basic requirement. After reading his tirade, I shook my head. "Is this man for real?" Needless to say, I never responded to his emails.

On previous sites, I had fabricated names I used because I never intended to follow through on any budding relationship. However, on hisoulmate I registered with my real name. Not Erin, my middle name which is Luna. When I was in high school, one of my English teachers had been obsessed with that name. She would never end a class without illustrating with or calling Luna Lindgren.

I was using it because it was my name but at the same time gave me some anonymity. No one in Victoria or even anywhere in the entire Canada knew that was my name.

I also created a new Gmail account exclusively for online dating. The men always asked to start communicating outside the dating sites within a short time and I wanted to be ready. I chose the email address nuttygirlie@gmail.com. I wanted guys to wonder if I was stupid enough to spell naughty that way. Perhaps some would think I liked nuts. Yet some might think it reminded them of a lunatic – and nutty, short for nuts which equaled crazy. Either way, it was a winner as far as I was concerned. Whatever uncomplimentary conclusion any guy drew from the names would not be far from the truth since I had done some crazy, stupid things in my time. Dick and Michael were glaring examples. Anyway, the whole plot was my way of separating the sheep from the wolves or the chaff from the wheat. Sigh. Analogies had a way of messing with my head.

I had my 'aha moment' when it occurred to me that online dating was like a reality TV show with me as the bachelorette. I was neither a millionaire nor a well-known person. But that was not important. What counted was: I got to choose! Choose who I wanted and if I wanted and when I wanted.

I was so stoked and hyper that I flipped my laptop open and, within seconds, found Cyndi Lauper's 'Girls Just Want to Have Fun'. I increased the volume and began to sing and dance around my living room as the music filled my cozy one bedroom apartment. I stopped dancing and turned it down a notch in order not to disturb my neighbours.

My phone started ringing. Still panting and trying to catch my breath, I answered, "Hey Sandra"

"Hey girl,.... Is it you breathing like that?"

I laughed. "Yeah... same me."

"What have you been up to?"

"Just dancing by myself."

"Not bad. So long as you don't start talking to yourself too."

"I do, at least silently."

"Ha ha ha. I always knew you had a crazy streak tucked away somewhere."

"That's me, the crazy 39ner."

"I agree. Who else would hope to meet a guy and have a baby without leaving their apartment? Anyways, what got you so excited?"

"It's this online dating stuff."

Sandra was pleased. "You met any guy you like yet?"

"Not sure. Just looking."

"Well, you've been looking for over a month now."

"Patience is key. Rome wasn't built in a day."

Sandra responded with a quick retort. "And time waits for no one."

"Give me a break, girl. I'm making the effort."

"I know all about the effort you have been making."

That made me smile. "Sarcasm does become you my lady." I said it like it was a compliment but she got my drift.

"Better that than screaming and waking everyone up."

"I'm that frustrating, huh?"

"You know what? It wasn't until I met you that I realized I had the gift of persistent patience."

"Your effort is paying off, Sandra."

"I hope so....I truly do hope so."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Did you see your ex in Halifax? Any ex-boyfriend trying to rekindle old flames?"

Sandra laughed. "No but my mom has introduced me to a few men from their church."

"Did you like any of them?"

Sandra hesitated. "One but he looks like a player."

"How does a player look?"

"Hot, flirty, hot."

"Okay, you don't have to repeat that. I think you like the guy."

"I just don't want to get burned again. They say once burnt twice shy. Mine's like tenth shy... not really shy but definitely burned many times."

"I don't think your mom would introduce you to a man of questionable character."

"What would my sixty-some mother know about men who play the field? I guess she just believes that any man who goes to church is a good guy."

"She may be right. Her instincts. Has he invited you on a date yet?"

"Yes but I turned him down."

"Sandra!"

"Look who's talking!"

"I know but it might be a good idea to go on a date with him before drawing any conclusions. Just saying."

"He might not ask me again."

"Or he might. Keep an open mind and let's see what happens. One more week before you fly back to Victoria, right?"

"Yup."

"A LOT can happen in that time. A lot of gooooood stuff."

"I hear you!"

"Go to bed, girl. It's 9pm here. Must be past midnight there."

"It is."

"Sweet dreams!"

"Thanks for the advice. I needed to hear that."

"No problem, what are friends for?"

Sandra knew I was mimicking her and laughed.

"Night, Erin."

I put down my cellphone and smiled. Things were really looking up!

## Chapter Seventeen

Chemistry. That exciting spark. Attraction. In spite of the mistakes I had made in the past, I still considered physical appearance an important criterion. Past relationships had also taught me to get to know someone well before committing to an intimate or long term relationship. So, for the first time in my life, I decided to play the field. Wth! I started communicating with select men by emails and chats. Meanwhile, my bogus friendship with Michael continued to exist although we only wrote each other once in a while and chatted even less often.

I had succeeded in shortlisting the guys I was going to give a second look at. I was proud of myself for narrowing it down to three guys for the time being but I did not want to be communicating with all three at the same time. It was not in my nature to do so.

I secretly dubbed them whatever came to mind. I did not take the nicknames seriously. They were entirely random.

***

Guy A: John (Aka 'Outdoorsy dude')

Relationship: Divorced City: Sooke, BC Looks: 43 / 6' 0" (183 cm) / Athletic Family: My kids live elsewhere Number of Children: One Education: High School

Field of work: Self-employed Smoking: Never Drinking: Social Drinker Religion: Christianity – Nondenominational.

Other facts

• Self-description: good sense of humor, honest, loyal, outdoorsy,

• Music: Classic Rock, Christian Rock, Soft Rock

• Movie: Science Fiction, Documentary, Action, Romance, Suspense/Thriller

• Outdoor activity: Biking, Hiking, Fishing, Camping, Swimming, Water Skiing and surfing

• Indoor activity: Reading, Movies, TV, Games, Restaurants, Sports

• Food: Chinese, Barbeque, Seafood, Italian, Mexican

Until now, I had never considered dating a man who did not have a university degree. I looked again at his photo. He had uploaded just one. He was not bad looking. He was well-toned too but not like all muscle. I liked the balance. But the photo was not very clear. He had said he would send another to my email. And he did.

**John Bailey** to me

Jun 19

hi Im on the right taken 2 weeks ago on my sun deck

**Luna** to John

Jun 20

Hello John,

I see this email worked. Very nice photo and worth the effort. Nice view you have there too.

What kind of work do you do? What are your hobbies?

Luna

**John Bailey** to me

Jun 20

Hi Luna

Yes finally. I own and manage a resort. I also have a 17 acre farm so lots of work . I have horses, sheep and my Labrador, Huntie. Keeps me busy and when I get a chance like to go out in the boat fishing or crabbing. I guess my favorite hobby is cooking it's never ending cooking around here . Sometimes I like to invade the kitchen to the annoyance of the chef and his assistants. Tonight I am doing a bbq for some guests from Switzerland . When Im able I travel I have some lots in the outside of the Philippines in the Visaya Islands and love to swim and dive there. Been back 3 years in a row and some day would like to spend more than just a vacation there . I do alot of hiking and beaches here when there's a lull. I would love to have a G F to do some of these things with and enjoy some good company and laughs . I am not super religous person but God Fearing and respect others religous beliefs . I hope you will get together with me you can even come here Im about an hour drive from Vic past Sooke Take care and will look for your message John

**Luna** to John

Jun 22

Hi John,

Good for you that you enjoy what you do. When I was new in Victoria and had to do the first job I could find: working in a call centre, I didn't enjoy it at all. I have always been a good cook but I cooked because I had to. I still don't enjoy cooking; perhaps because I don't eat a lot either. However, I like going out and eating something I didn't cook.

I'm sure the Sooke area is as beautiful as the rest of BC. My faith is very important to me. I don't go to church every week but my faith defines who I am. I'm not religious but I am a Christian.

I'll stop here for now. Take care.

Luna

**John Bailey** to me

Jun 22

Morning Im up early as usual. I did a bbq last night for some guests and some friends dropped by . The whales where[sic] out jumping off shore so that was the entertainment . You wont have to worry about cooking if Im around . Do you have a car ?? If not there is good bus service out here # 61 to Sooke I could pick you up ?? Or meet you some evening in Victoria . This time of year is super busy so I just try to do what I can. Let me know if you want to meet up I am really interested in meeting you. John

John seemed to be a very nice guy. He did not have any respect for spelling, grammar, and punctuation but it was no big deal. However, my high school English teacher might have thought differently. As far as I was concerned, informal communication allowed one to break any rule of the language. Although I was not a stickler for correct usage, but as an aspiring author I tended to notice. Just saying....

Upon deeper reflection, I realized that I was being true to my fault-finding self. I also noticed that if I did not start a new subject line mail, my budding flame would not mind the thread on the subject line reaching fifty or a hundred messages. So I took the initiative and started a new subject line.

**From** : Luna <nuttygirlie@gmail.com>

**To** : John Bailey <jbley@neon.ca>

**Sent** : Friday, Jun 29, 2010 12:11:05 PM

**Subject** : Hello

**Luna** to John

Hi John, the thing about online dating is that there is no guarantee that when we meet we would like each other. I've heard also of the risks since one does not really know anything about the other person. I've been told it's a good idea to have a friend in the background when meeting someone for the first time but that makes it kind of creepy. Also, lessons I've learned from marriage, point to the fact that it's best to go slowly and get to know someone as a friend first. Sometimes it gets to be more and at other times, it does not go beyond friendship. As a Christian, I don't believe in sleeping around and so allow God to direct me. I don't know if this makes any sense to you :). Anyways, how's your day going? Do have a nice day. Luna

\------------

I had hoped my weirdo email would turn him off so I could focus on checking out other possibilities because I was not feeling any connection with him. Maybe I had succeeded because he did not reply as fast as he used to.

**John Bailey** to me

Jun 30

Hi Luna I am having a pretty good week lots of work on the farm now its nice weather every day. The tourist season is really kicking off so I have to stay close to home these last days . You are right there is no guarantees in life thats for sure . I guess I am the eternal optomist [sic] and always look for the good in people and because I meet so many travellers feel comfortable in a new situation . Its hard to feel relaxed if you dont trust and give it a chance . There is a triathalon here this weekend so many will be in the race this year it should be interesting . Well if you feel like some company Ill be there take care John

\----------

I did not reply his email this time.

**John Bailey** to me

Jul 3

Hello dear Luna Whoa its crazy here now full every night and beautiful too on the Ocean full moon lots of silver light early morning . You know the # 61 bus comes to Sooke every hour you could always come out on your day off and do something together ok . I m really easy going and will do anyhing you like . Did you know there is a new cinaplex state of the art movie theater in Langford at the mall . It just opened and is like a huge flat screen I havent seen it yet but would meet you there at night for a movie or dinner and a movie ????? Anynight your choice [ my treat ] Please let me know for your next off . Hope you make it John

**Luna** to John

Jul 4

Hello John, I can imagine how beautiful it is out there. The scenery must be amazing. I hope to see it someday. Once, when I was going to Sidney, I really admired the Langford area. There were farms, sheep, nice views, woods, trees; everything was green and picturesque. It's not an area I go to often. I have been to Langford to buy something that wasn't available in the store here. I like the idea of going for a movie but I'd like to meet you first on my familiar territory which is downtown Victoria. It doesn't have to be right away. Whenever you can make it. I'm wary of meeting strangers. Don't take it personally . It's just that I'm not in the habit of meeting people except through work or church. As fall approaches, whenever there's a lull there, we can meet here in town. Meanwhile enjoy the business boom now tourists are all over the place. Did you know that when I was new in Victoria, most people I asked for directions turned out to be tourists who were also looking to get directions. It was so funny.

Take care.

Luna

**John Bailey** to me

Jul 5

Hi Luna I know what you mean when I was in Mexico people always asked me directions thinking I was mexican haha . Anyway thanks for being so understanding. I realise you want to be safe and Ill meet you in Victoria maybe go for lunch or dinner is your nezt off the same days always ? I hope to be in town then I hope it works out . I would really like to meet you and be able to talk together anywhere you want . What's your favourite colour? I wont ask too much so I can save something for when we meet . Ok I better go and sleep its been a long day. I have sheep here too 12 of them hope you love them too . night John

Love them? Sheep? Are they pets? Just kidding....

John's emails always made me smile. I sometimes could not tell whether he was being funny or serious.

Be that as it may, the fact was that I quickly lost interest in that really nice gentleman. I was by nature a person who attached importance to all kinds of communication. It was clear that John was not my kind. I needed someone with more fire.

Although I felt like I was passing up on a good thing, I just stopped writing him. There was no need to keep it going. He was a nice man but I could never take advantage of him by going out with him, spending his money, and raising his hopes.

Interestingly, he never wrote again after I did not reply his last email. I suppose he already got the message that I did not want to meet him. He was a wise man, if you asked me.

## Chapter Eighteen

One out; two to go. Then I would start all over with another set of guys. I immediately reprimanded myself for thinking nothing would come out of the current interactions. Looking at online dating as a fun game was a self-preservation technique that shielded me from getting attached or liking any man. Why are you doing this to yourself? I chose not to answer the question.

Guy B: Andy (Aka 'Cool Dude')

Relationship: Never Married City: Victoria, BC

Looks: 43 / 6' 2" (187 cm) / Athletic Family: I don't have kids

Education: Bachelor's degree Field of work: Executive

Smoking: Never Drinking: Occasionally

Religion: Christianity – Nondenominational.

Other facts

• Self-description: easy going, loves to laugh, a good listener, reliable

• Music: Classic Rock, Jazz, Gospel, Soft Rock

• Movie: Action/Adventure, Science Fiction, Documentary, Romance, Suspense/Thriller

• Outdoor activity: Biking, Camping, Swimming, Hiking

• Indoor activity: Movies, Games, Restaurants, work-out

• Food: Barbeque, American, Seafood, Mexican

Why had he never married? I looked again at his photos. He had uploaded six. He was hot. Everything about his physical appearance was attractive, including his sense of style. But I did not get carried away. I had learned the hard way that good looks did not equal goodness. I also believed deep within me that I would find someone who had both attributes. I just knew that my heart throb was somewhere and our lives would intersect at a point. He would know when he found me, his sweetheart. Sentiments, day dreams, no actions. Faith and work go together. The voice again. I uttered a frustrated sigh as I breathed in and slowly exhaled.

**********

'Cool Dude' was an email type of guy; so we began to communicate via email. I liked both emails and chats but I connected better through chats. Telephone calls were not my thing - I found phone calls exhausting. As a matter of policy, I did not give out my phone numbers randomly. In fact, I had already made up my mind that I would only give a guy my number if I went out on a date with him and liked him. A secret about me and the telephone: let's just say that we were not the best of buddies. Somehow it had been engrained in my mind that my voice sounded better in real life than on the phone. Regardless of how many times I had been told that I had a sexy voice, including on the phone, my stubborn phobia refused to budge.

Andy was out of town for a week. During that time, we continued to exchange emails and IM on hisoulmate. Soon after he got back on the island, he requested that we start using our personal email addresses in communicating. I was okay with that. Remember, I had an email account set up specifically for 'Project Online Dating'.

**********

**From** : Andy Mitchell <dyllmitan@pg.ca>

**To** : Luna <nuttygirlie@gmail.com>

**Sent** : Monday, August 23, 2010 12:11:05 PM

**Subject** : Hello! I'm back!

Hey Luna,

Howdy? I got back yesterday; just before nightfall. Just wanted to touch base. Lots of work to catch up on. Will be in touch soon.

Could we meet up sometime for coffee? I could take you up island on Saturday.

Take care.

Andy

**Luna** to Andy show details Aug 25

Hello Andy,

Nice hearing from you. Hope you were able to close some deals.

About meeting up, it would be nice if we could meet in Victoria first. Downtown is the easiest place to get to. Enjoy the rest of your day.

Luna

**Andy** to me show details Aug 25

Hey Luna,

It would be awesome to finally meet you. Do you like Korean cuisine? We could go to the Sura Korean Restaurant on Douglas Street. Or we could go to the Inner Harbour. There's Barb's Fish and Chips at the Fisherman's Wharf if that's your preference. I also have some passes to the Sooke Whale Watch. Tell me what you'd like and I'll make it happen.

Later then.

Andy

**From** : Luna <nuttygirlie@gmail.com>

**To** : Andy Mitchell <dyllmitan@pg.ca>

**Sent** : Thursday, August 26, 2010 12:44:21 PM

**Subject** : Hello

Hi,

I can see that you do know your city very well. Makes sense since you must have lived here long. I have been to the Fisherman's Wharf once. It's a lovely place to visit. The houseboats are incredible. I was totally amazed by the streets and houses on the sea. Watching all kinds of sea vessels go by was so exciting. Friday is my day off. I don't work on Sundays and public holidays too. Talk to you later.

Luna

**Andy** to me show details Aug 27

Hey Luna,

You're right, I know Victoria really well. I've lived here on and off since I was a teenager; although my hometown is Kamloops. We lived in Duncan and Surrey too. We were not a military family, in case you're wondering, but my father was always on the lookout for greener pastures – with my Mom's encouragement. When my Dad retired over ten years ago, they moved up island to Nanaimo.

By the way, you didn't say if you'd like to meet??

Take care.

Andy

**Luna** to Andy show details Aug 29

Hi,

We could meet sometime but not next week since I have other things already scheduled. Let's tentatively put it for one of the weekends in October if that works for you. Meanwhile, here's a question: do you smoke?

Enjoy your Sunday.

Luna

**Andy** to me show details Aug 29

Hey, no worries. I'm sure we'll work out something then. Otherwise, how's your day been? You asked about smoking. No, I don't smoke. I drink some wine now and then. I'm cutting down on soda; but I'm also drinking more tea and water. What about you? What do you like to drink?

Andy

**Luna** to Andy show details Sept 2

Hello, I just got back from work. I like all kinds of tea, especially green tea. Although I'm not much into pop, my favorite is ginger ale since I was in my teens. A little wine is always good for the body too. Have a great weekend.

Luna

**********

I could tell that my tone in emails and delaying to meet with Andy was watering down his enthusiasm. I could not help it. It seemed like sabotaging any chance to be with a great guy was my Achilles' heel. I had done that with John and was doing it all over again with Andy. I certainly knew how to obliterate their interest in me. I was keeping my distance. I probably needed to see a shrink. 

## Chapter Nineteen

Guy C: Ethan (Aka 'Bearded Dude')

Relationship: Divorced City: Victoria, BC Looks: 45 / 5'11" (180 cm) / Athletic Family: I don't have kids Education: Master's degree Field of work: Engineer Smoking: Never Drinking: Social Drinker Religion: Christianity – Baptist.

Other facts

• Self-description: musical, sincere, caring, athletic, hard-working

• Music: Classical, Contemporary, Christian Rock, Rock n Roll, Country, Soft Rock

• Movie: Suspense/thriller, Western, Drama, Science Fiction, Documentary, Action, Romantic Comedy

• Outdoor activity: biking (motorcycle), basketball, photography, hockey, lacrosse, sightseeing

• Indoor activity: Music, reading, movies, playing piano, weightlifting/working out

• Food: Greek, Thai, Barbeque, Seafood, Italian, Mexican

I liked his photos. His smile was genuine, shy and naughty. He had uploaded three. He was not bad looking. He was well-toned too but not like all muscle. One put off though: he needed to shave all that hair on his face! Correction. A major turn off.

Ethan... hmm... I liked his name. I liked the name Michael too and look where getting close to him got me. The name was not always the man – or woman for that matter.

Ethan indicated his interest in me around the time I was on the fence about meeting up with Andy. Initially, I was hesitant: I could not get over his unshaven face. It was a drawback. I was haunted by it. I tried to throw it out of my head but it was tenacious. The thing was that I had never been close to a man with a beard. My instincts told me I would not like the feel of all that hair against my skin.

Notwithstanding my reservations, I decided to give Ethan a chance. We started by exchanging short messages on the dating site. He was a senior engineer with the Public Service and worked at the headquarters of Ministry of Transportation and Infrastructure. His office was downtown on Blanshard Street. He lived in Oak Bay – not that I was planning on visiting him or any other man. At least, not until I got to know him well. I was that conservative and more so with someone I had met online. I had read articles about online dating and knew the risks involved.

It was in September Ethan and I began communicating by personal emails. 'Bearded Dude' seemed to prefer chatting to emailing. I loved chatting too!

**********

**Ethan** to me

Sep 3

8:04 PM **Ethan** : Hi Luna, hope you can see this....

8:05 PM **me** : Yeah, I got it.

**Ethan** : Cool! How are you? Nice to "meet" you!

8:06 PM **me** : Good. Nice to meet you too.

8:07 PM **Ethan** : ☺

8:08 PM **me** : Nice smiley face...

8:09 PM **Ethan** : Thanks. How was your day?

**me** : Okay. And yours?

8:11 PM **Ethan** : It was a lazy day...just hung around the house...did some reading...enjoyed the sun on the deck...what is your degree in?

8:13 PM **me** : Good for you. In conflict management and resolution

**Ethan** : Did you go to college in the States?

8:14 PM **me** : yeah... in South Dakota. What about you?

8:15 PM **Ethan** : McGill University in Montreal, Quebec.

8:15 PM **Me** : Wow... That's one of the best universities in Canada

8:16 PM **Ethan** : Hmmm... it's a good one – just like every other Canadian university. I liked it there though.

8:17 PM **Me** : Can you speak French?

8:17 PM **Ethan** : Not really but I understand some. At McGill, English is the language of instruction. How long have you been here?

8:19 PM **me** : I've been here just over a year.

8:19 PM **Ethan** what made you decide to come back home and how do you like it so far?

8:22 PM **me** : I just felt it was time I got back to my roots. Had to leave my job at PI and move here. In spite of the challenges, I like it.

8:23 PM **Ethan** : what's PI?

8:24 PM **me** : :). Peace Institute – It's a non-governmental agency with offices in many US States and other countries and works closely with the United Nations.

8:25 PM **Ethan** : Ok....Where do you live and work in Victoria?

8:26 PM **Me** : Sorry, can't... won't answer those questions

8:27 PM **Ethan** : I'm sorry if I crossed some boundaries....

8:29 PM **Me** : I'm uncomfortable revealing so much about myself to a 'stranger'.

8:30 PM **Ethan** : I completely understand. Is there anything you would like to know about me?

8:31 PM **Me** : I guess lots but you tell me what you'd want me to know.

8:31 PM **Ethan** : Well... you already know I live in Oak Bay and work in the civil service. I was married for eight years and moved from Toronto to Victoria after my divorce many years ago.

8:37 PM **me** : Victoria and surrounding areas are beautiful. BC's slogan is so apt: The Best Place on Earth. I once took the bus for sightseeing up to Sidney and the countryside was amazing.

8:40 PM I hear Sooke area is also nice - whale watching and all.

**Ethan** : yes the whole region is beautiful – a photographer's paradise someone called the province. The weather is awesome too.

8:43 PM **me** : Victoria is truly the garden city. And the air is so fresh!

8:44 PM **Ethan** : Have you explored the island much?

8:45 PM **me** : Not really. On BC Day, I just walked around the Inner Harbour and watched the activities going on. I liked the fireworks and symphony at the Inner Harbour and parliament buildings area.

I've also seen Willow's Beach. I like the woods there. That's about it.

8:48 PM **Ethan** : are you interested in seeing more?

8:51 PM **me** : Ya.... What church do you go to? Do you smoke?

**Ethan** : I don't smoke

I go to the Central Baptist Church on Pandora Avenue. What about you?

8:52 PM **me** : I go to Saanich Baptist Church on Wilkinson Drive

**Ethan** : Cool!

**me** : Okay...I should be signing off now.

8:54 PM **Ethan** : okay then....nice chatting with you....enjoy the rest of your evening

8:55 PM **me** : You too. Night.

**Ethan** : Good night

It was a great chat with the bearded guy. He seemed intelligent and relaxed. I liked that. Still, I reminded myself that there was the computer screen between us and anyone can put up an act. You need to be more trustful of men. Not everyone is like Dick. It was that voice. Hey, where have you been? I had forgotten all about you since this online dating stuff started.

\----------

**Ethan** to me

Sep 5

4:35 PM **Ethan** : Hi Luna.....how is your day so far?

4:36 PM **me** : Hi Ethan. Good, thanks.

4:39 PM **Ethan** : That's good....

4:41 PM **me** : It's a beautiful day today...

4:42 PM **Ethan** : Yeah, no rainfall

4:43 PM **me** : perfect weather

4:44 PM **Ethan** : Yeah, it rains more in Seattle and Vancouver.

4:45 PM I would like to ask more questions to get to know you better but I don't want to make you uncomfortable...

4:48 PM **me** : I feel more comfortable talking about myself with someone I know.

4:51 PM **Ethan** : I would prefer in person too....can we make that happen?

4:52 PM **me** : Well....

4:54 PM **Ethan** : ok....what's your favourite pastime?

4:58 PM **me** : reading. I also like going to see movies. What about you?

5:00 PM **Ethan** : I enjoy movies, reading, hiking...

5:01 PM so what are your pet peeves?

5:05 PM **me** : I don't like people spitting, blowing nose, whistling in public. Now your turn...

5:06 PM **Ethan** : nothing bothers me....

**me** : that's not fair!

5:07 PM **Ethan** : Okay... dishonesty, greed.... Are you allergic to anything?

5:10 PM **me** : I'm allergic to soda, concentrates in drinks. What about you?

5:12 PM **Ethan** : fructose intolerant

5:14 PM **me** : I see.

5:15 PM **Ethan** : Have you seen any movies this summer?

5:16 PM **me** : Yeah... The Switch.... Dinner for Schmucks.... Post Grad

5:17 PM **Ethan** : I saw Inception. And the documentary, Countdown to Zero

5:19 PM **Ethan** Do you like/play any sport?

5:20 PM **me** : I like soccer but don't play any sport. What sport do you play?

5:21 PM **Ethan** : I played college basketball. I like to watch football, hockey, and basketball.

5:23 PM **me** : Jack of all trade, eh?

**Ethan** : that's why I'm master of none ☺

5:24 PM **me** : I don't believe that... I'd like to sign off now. Nice chatting with you.

5:25 PM **Ethan** : ok... thanks for the chat. I really enjoyed it.

**me** : :)

\----------

**Ethan** to me

Sep 9

8:42 PM **Ethan** : Hi Luna....Nice catching you online.

8:44 PM **me** : Hi Ethan...

**Ethan** : How're you?

8:45 PM **me** : Good. How was work today?

8:46 PM **Ethan** : It was okay, thanks. would you like to meet sometime this week...after work?

8:50 PM **me** : That would be nice....but also scary...

**Ethan** : for me too.....

8:51 PM **me** : at least we can be friends

8:52 PM **Ethan** : ...but if the chemistry is there, even better

8:54 PM **me** : I'm happy you caught my drift.

8:55 PM **Ethan** : what is your week looking like?

8:57 PM **me** : I'm developing cold feet now.... I like Fridays.

9:02 PM **Ethan** : Ok... time and place? Shall I check back with you in a day or two?

________________________________________ 7 minutes

9:09 PM **me** : no, second Friday in October is fine. Let's meet at the Gorge Waterway Park. 5pm okay?

9:10 PM **Ethan** : Yup. I'll get off work slightly earlier. Nice place...that's a date then. I'm looking forward to it.

9:10 PM **me** : Okay. Goodnight.

9:12 PM **Ethan** : Okay....have a good evening....chat with you later....good night

**me** : :)

Well, well, wonders will never cease – I had actually agreed to go on a date! I knew many women went on dates every week with a guy. But not Erin Lindgren. I was different from most other people. I had so withdrawn into myself that I dreaded going out with a guy. I hardly ever made a promise and did not keep it and I hoped I would follow through on the one I had just made.

A little excitement was sneaking up on me but I was dreading the outing more than liking it. Why did I accept to go on a date with him? I was just following my gut feeling. Besides, I liked his smile and the chats.

## Chapter Twenty

Some people have said that diamonds are a girl's best friend. To others it was chocolate, shopping, or all three. I did not own anything diamond and never wished to. I ate chocolates once or twice in a year. I shopped sometimes for fun but did not consider myself a shopaholic. Solitude was my best friend. I cried with it. I laughed with it. I ate with it. In fact, I lived with it almost 24/7. Sometimes I liked it. At other times, I disliked it. I even ignored it occasionally. Yet, a few times, I cherished it.

Solitude was not often a choice I made. It was thrust on me. It became my second companion. The voice was my first and had pride of place. Solitude, on the other hand, was domineering. And the truth was that I disliked domineering people. Having been married to one in the past etched that dislike deeply. Yet I had mixed feelings about solitude. I was an eclectic woman – seeing and appreciating what was good in all. So, the times I chose solitude, I found it calming.

I had gone to bed after 1:00am so I slept in that Saturday. I got up after ten in the morning. As usual, I drank a glass of water; then sat in the dining area to read my emails. I also spent some time on Facebook. I read the daily updates for the Young and Restless. An hour later, I made some instant breakfast cereal. As I ate, I updated my LinkedIn page, Twitter page and Facebook page.

It was a cold day for early autumn. I looked out my window; everything was stationary and serene. Pretty much like my life at the moment. The fall drizzle had long ceased. The sun was still in hiding. The trees stood still, not even shivering. I could hear the silence. There was positive calmness in the air too. I sat back relaxed on my cream and yellow fabric loveseat, drawing from the tranquillity. Your life is not on hold. Silence does not mean inaction. Change is constant. I wanted to accept the wisdom in the voice. But I ended up sitting on the fence.

**********

I must have dozed off. A notification on my tablet woke me up. I sat up and looked at the screen on my lap. Sure enough, there were messages. Two new mails, four requests to connect on Twitter and one LinkedIn request.

One email was from Michael on my Yahoo account and the other, from Shirley on my personal gmail account, not the dating email address.

Hey,

It's over a month since we last communicated. I hope you're doing fine. What job are you working these days? Have you made some new friends yet?

Things are going well here at the PI. Arnold has moved to the headquarters in New York. He always wanted that in as long as I have known him. A replacement is yet to be sent and that has made my job more challenging. I have to take on some of his duties because my staff is not experienced enough to handle them. Regardless, I'm able to achieve balance by going to the gym regularly and biking. My wife is now working in PI. She's been making sure I eat well and healthy. We also make time to take walks together and go to the movies.

It's early fall but as expected the cold has set in. Just that there's no snow yet. It will certainly turn out to be another bitter cold winter. There's no getting used to or around it.

That's all from here for now. Take care.

Michael

I was in a rage. It was one of those emails I wished I had not read. I knew that in spite of the pain, I was going to read it again. How insensitive can a man be? Telling me about his blissful marriage when he knew what happened in my marriage. Not only that. It was more brutal coming from him. It was good if his marriage was restored but wth! What was with him? Was he so dumb he thought I wanted to know what was going on in his marriage when we were almost incommunicado? What a dumb ass! I drew a long, deep sigh. I was more vexed than I thought possible. To hell with you, Michael. Who cares what the likes of you two are doing? I said that aloud, scowling. Perhaps his email got me upset because I had not completely let go of the obsession I thought I had for him. I was done venting. He was not worth it.

Surprisingly, I felt better immediately. I beamed at myself for not succumbing to self-pity or shedding a tear.

I then proceeded to read Shirley's email.

Hi Erin,

Aloha!

David and I are so glad to hear that you're doing well. Have you been doing any writing recently?

We're still in Hawaii. David is doing some private tutoring and I'm catching up on my memoir writing. Our son, Dylan came up with his fiancée for a visit. It was fun having them around for a few days. They're relocating from New York to San Fran; so it will be till Christmas before we see them again.

Talking about New York, did you hear that Arnold at the Minot PI has moved to the PI headquarters? I'm really happy for him. He was promoted – I don't know what his title is though. He's a good man. I remember you saying he's the best team leader you've ever worked with and I know what you mean. He never favoured anyone over the other and treated everyone fairly.

By the way, have you been communicating with anyone at Minot PI? I ask because I got a few emails from former colleagues and they seemed to hint at stuff that made no sense to me. It has to do with Michael and Jill. I won't bother you with office gossip. Perhaps, there's no truth to it. Not to worry, it has nothing to do with you.

How's the weather in Victoria at the moment? I understand you have amazing weather there. Some US cities are getting extremely cold already. I must say, I'm relieved that we're going to still be in Hawaii come winter.

Do write and let us know how you're doing.

Love, Shirley

I read Shirley's email a couple of times. What did she mean by a rumour involving Michael and Jill? I was not in touch with anyone at the PI except Michael. I struggled to push the thought out of my mind. It was easy since I was still fuming. Just a little.

My thoughts went back to Michael's email. It was not the first time he had made insensitive remarks in his emails but I had overlooked them. Not anymore – I was not going to reply.

That evening, I got another email from Michael asking that we chat but I ignored it. Next, I removed him from my chat list and set my account so he would not know when I was online.

**********

The following day, I wanted to go to church but did not. My church attendance since returning to Canada had become so erratic it bothered me.

After doing routine stuff like checking mail and updates, I decided to use the search engine to find out more about the two men, Andy and Ethan. I was interested in both but had been procrastinating about making concrete arrangements for a meet up with Andy. I listened to music online on the Christian radio, KLove.com. They were playing Natalie Grant's Your Great Name which was one of my favorite worship songs. I focused on enjoying the music until it ended. I kept the station on as I turned to the search engine page.

I started with Andy. I saw several people at various locations with the same first and last name. I narrowed it down to BC and Victoria. There were still many of them. I knew he was rich and so should be in the news. A few minutes later, there it was. One had his photo so I could correctly ID him. I saw news items and business reports involving him. It was then I discovered he was a multi-millionaire. He owned the Seven Towers Hotels in Surrey, Vancouver and Victoria. He had several housing estates, condos, and apartment blocks. His head office was here in Victoria because he thought, rightly so, south Vancouver Island had the best weather in the whole of Canada. His home town was Kamloops. He had an office there. He never let on that he was that successful. I concluded that he was a humble guy. I felt elated that he was showing serious interest in me. I began to feel an overwhelming sense of confidence and wholesomeness that had not been there in a long time.

But why was such a cute rich guy looking for love through a dating cum matchmaking agency? I had no answers.

Next, I searched for Ethan. Just like Andy's, there were several people with his name. After narrowing it down, I was able to locate his profile based on the information I already had about him. I saw something on LinkedIn that was obviously his profile. However, I declined logging into my LinkedIn account so I could view his detailed profile. I did not want him being notified that I had viewed his profile.

I soon lost interest in that activity and wondered how I was going to spend the rest of the day with only solitude as my companion. From nowhere that I knew of, an amateurish inspiration surfaced. It was my poetry muse, I hope. Then I began to write.

When I see the approach of another fall season

My heart overflows with gratitude.

When I see the changing colours of trees

My thoughts focus on the creator of the foliage

When I breathe the refreshing air and feel the crisp air on my skin

My love heightens for the maker of it all

When I see the dancing trees and golden leaves

When the streets burst into happy flames

When the sun makes a reluctant, sporadic appearance

When trees begin shedding their leaves

I know my favourite season is here

And Christmas is just around the corner.

## Chapter Twenty-one

THE DAY FINALLY ARRIVED. I was meeting Ethan face-to-face for the first time. Actually, it was going to happen in an hour. I had been having jitters all week. It was so bad yesterday that I could not sleep last night. It was a good thing it was my day off.

I had been thinking about what to wear, right from the day we agreed on a date and time. I was still not sure what. I had narrowed my choices down to three. Making the final decision still was not easy; so I stood before my closet eyeing my clothes. Should I wear my black work pants or faded blue jeans? Both accentuated my attractive slim curves. Which top should I wear? It was slightly chilly and the Gorge Waterway Park would be cold. I considered wearing a baby pink blouse and a jacket. But which jacket? Should I wear my blue jeans jacket or black and white trench coat? I was disoriented and so was not likely to make the best choice. They were all very comfortable and attractive which made it more difficult to settle on one. I heaved a deep sigh and walked away from my closet. If Sandra was not busy with mid-term assessments, I would have asked her to come over and help me. It was at that pointed I concluded that procrastination was indeed a vice.

Leaving my bedroom, I paused in front of the mirror on the wall by the entrance door. I should have had my hair done. My shoulder length auburn hair needed grooming. A few months ago, I had gone to the hair salon to have my hair done. It had been trimmed and styled so that it looked like Victoria Beckham's favorite hairstyle; nicely framing my face, showing off my beautiful neck and clear skin. As I looked at my portrait in the mirror, I grimaced at my unruly below shoulder length hair, wishing the outing had taken place soon after my hair trimming. I was not sure what to do with it. I had never been a creative person when the subject was hair styling.

A few minutes later, I was able to relax in the thought that I was not going to stress myself over a man I might not feel a connection with and who might see me and decide I was not 'the one'. It was as well that I had promised myself to keep a close watch over my heart.

I ate a light lunch of Panini sandwich; then sat back to watch an episode of 'The Young and Restless'. After the show, I showered and started getting ready for my date. I was still nervous but I was beginning to get excited too. It was a delicious blend of anxiety and anticipation.

I decided to wear a dress instead. It was a knee length dress with a white background and bold random black lines. I wore my Tabitha Simmons ankle length summer boots. They were cognac in colour and so went well with my dress. I took along my leather jacket of similar colour to wear if it became chilly. I chose one of my favourite fragrances, Viktor & Rolf (V&R) Flower Bomb perfume and dabbed a little behind my ears and a couple of other places. It was one of those luxuries I occasionally indulged in.

Ethan and I had exchanged cell phone numbers by email. As I got off Bus #11 at the stop after Fairway Market, I knew I could call him if there was a mix up. I crossed the road as the walk sign showed; and began to walk down Gorge Road. I kept walking on the opposite site of the road because Ethan had told me he would be sitting in his car. A black Porsche.

I saw his car from a distance. As I drew close, I saw a man sitting inside and felt sure that was Ethan. He started getting out, looking at me. I knew my dress flattered my figure and showed off my lovely legs. I was glad to show off those attributes.

Ethan was out of his car, smiling at me as he shut the driver's door. I returned his smile. He met me right in front of his car.

What struck me immediately was that he looked very different from his photos. He stood before me – athletic, groomed, and very attractive. Suave but casual.

"Luna." It was a statement.

I smiled at him. "Actually, that's my middle name. My first name is Erin."

"Nice name, Erin."

"Thanks." I was dumbstruck by the spark or chemistry I was feeling. My heart was pounding with excitement as he kept smiling at me.

I uttered the next thing that occurred to me. "Nice ride you have here." I usually did not engage in conversations on the topic of cars; but I honestly thought his car was cool. I had deep-rooted distaste for white cars as well as some black cars. I had always felt that a car in either of those colors would look better in red or some other 'nice' colour. But Ethan's car could not have looked better in any other colour. Everything about the car spoke of masculinity and class. It was a cross between conservative and trendy – an unbeatable combination as far as I was concerned.

Talking about his car helped us relax some during that first meeting although most of what he said was technical jargon to me and did not register. My knowledge of cars was minimal. My only car had been chosen by Dick although I paid for the purchase.

We stood looking at each other and then laughed out loud.

"Would you like to take a short walk by the sea?" He was nodded towards the park across the road.

"Sure." I remembered the last time I had been there on my own and the serenity I enjoyed.

He locked his car using the remote control. We walked around it and waited as a Bus#11 drove by heading for downtown.

It was very quiet. We walked by a handful of people. The day was lovely too. It was not windy. The sunshine came and went at unpredictable intervals. We strolled past many seats with inscriptions. Most were made of marble. I noticed that Ethan reduced his pace to match my shorter one. I had heard that it was an indication that a guy was very interested. I suppressed a giggle.

"You look even more beautiful in person." He looked at me and then looked ahead.

"Thanks...I must say the same of you without meaning to sound contrived." I meant it. His unruly appearance had been traded for a well-groomed beard. He was wearing a casual t-shirt, black leather jacket, and blue jeans. He looked like some hot Hollywood actor. I almost felt unworthy of him but his genuine compliment reassured me. I also reminded myself that I was a beautiful, talented woman. Even with all the verbal abuse, Dick always acknowledged that. Also, somewhere in my subconscious, I dreamed that someday I would meet a worthy man who would feel lucky to have me.

Ethan brought me back from dreamland. "Would you like...." The shrill of his cell phone interrupted his question. He seemed shocked. "I thought I left that when I rushed home to change my clothes. I won't bother answering it. Sorry about that."

The repeated shrill music was still emanating from his pocket. "Perhaps, you should see who is calling." I could not relax with the constant ring tone invading the quiet atmosphere. It stopped and started again after a short interval.

I stood, silently nudging him. He retrieved the noisy gadget from his front jeans pocket. He looked at it casually and then touched the accept call button. He listened and said "Okay" a couple of times. "I'll be there shortly."

He ended the call and looked apologetically at me. "It's the minister. I submitted an investigative report to him this week. He's travelling to Ottawa tomorrow morning for a meeting and can't find his copy. I need to get to the office, log into my work email and resend it to him. Please come with me."

My first instinct was to refuse. I understood how urgent it was but I did not want to go with him, a stranger. As he waited for my response, I quickly made up my mind to go with him. What the heck! At least it would give me an opportunity to get to know him better.

**********

Ethan's office was so posh it blew me away. I felt he was a cool dude but his office took my breath away. Big space – lots of space. Well lit. White and beige walls. The rug was beige too. Black, shiny leather visitors' sofa. His office suite was custom made in black mahogany. It was an L shape desk with Hutch. It also had three black and gray leather matching guest chairs. There was a rectangular brown book shelf where some photos and souvenirs were on display. On the wall was a beautiful art work of the blue sky, sea, and vegetation with the words: 'All I have seen teaches me to trust the creator for all I have not seen.'

Ralph Waldo Emerson.

As he worked at his desk, I moved around the office admiring the souvenirs. I soon lost interest in those and went to sit on one of the three visitor chairs across from him. I began to scrutinize him.

I liked his eyes and eyebrows. His bluish green eyes made his face irresistible whenever he looked up in my direction. He had clear skin with just the right amount of hair on his arms. I was always put off by too much hair on a man. I already noticed at the park that he was not more than six feet tall, about 185 pounds, broad shoulders, and a strong face. I had to admit it – he had very sexy, masculine hands.

He had removed his baseball cap and I noticed a healthy crop of hair that was beginning to gray just like his beard. It all blended into an endearing look. As he raised his head again, I looked away.

In a quarter of an hour, he was done and got up. "I'm really sorry. I've messed up our first date." As he stood before me, I got up. He was taking the interruption very seriously and I liked that.

'Not a problem. At least I got to see your office sooner."

"You're right." He was smiling playfully. "It took me so long to talk you into today's date...."

"I know!"

"It would have taken me another couple of months to get you here."

I did not know how to respond to that. So I just smiled, shaking my head in wonder.

"I like that we're making progress."

I nodded noncommittally.

Ethan wanted us to go out and do whatever I liked. But I declined. I ended that first date abruptly for many reasons. One, I was feeling very cold. Outside was cold. His office was colder. Two, I had not eaten well all day and was hungry but did not want to go for dinner with him on the first date. In addition, I had drunk two cans of V-8 Fusion juice and lots of water at home that afternoon; so I needed to pee badly. Again, for some reason, I was shy to mention on the first date that I needed to use the washroom. Thirdly, I wanted to get away from Ethan. I was scared by the attraction I felt. If he did not feel that chemistry, then I was in trouble. I wanted to run from him to preserve my heart. It was early days so if he just disappeared, I would not be adversely affected. Not even my pride would suffer because I had come into it with no expectations.

Regardless, when I got home that evening, I expected to receive a text message or email from Ethan but there was none. I concluded that was indicative of a no go or pass. I was not really bothered; after all, there were many fishes in the vast ocean of hisoulmate.

Two days later, I was online on Gmail when Ethan got online. A few minutes later, I got a tentative email from him asking whether he could call me and I gave him permission to do so.

After asking how I was doing, he went straight to what he was calling about. "I enjoyed hanging out with you and wanted to call or email you but wasn't sure you would welcome that. It appeared you were in a hurry to get away from me."

I responded without hesitation, "Actually I enjoyed it very much too. I just needed to use the bathroom but didn't know how to say that on a first date."

Ethan sighed in relief. "That's great! I really would like to see more of you and take you on a proper date for starters."

I smiled. "I'm all for it...."

"That's awesome!"

I blushed; glad he could not see me. "hahaha"

"How about Saturday evening, about 5:30 or 6pm?"

"Sounds good to me."

After he hung up, I continued to sit staring into space. I could tell I was falling for Ethan. It worried me. I barely knew anything about him. What was wrong with me? It was not that I fell for every man who showed interest in me. In fact, the reverse was the case. The problem was that I had not planned on liking or feeling attracted to any of the men. I needed to preserve my heart.

I began to analyze my feelings for the men I could remember having feelings for since my adulthood. Dick was the first man with whom I had entered into a close relationship. Why did I marry him? He did not have money or a good career then. I had not felt any deep connection with him. No chemistry either. It just seemed like the thing to do. As for Michael, my negative feelings for him outweighed any positive. I was sure I disliked him. I could not move past his possibly dubious nature. He was also a weak man which made me despise him. Good thing my communication with him had gradually frizzled out. Why had I not decisively cut him off a long time ago? Was I the kind of woman who needed a man to validate her?

I was not sure who I really was. I never was sure any decision I made was the right one. There was always a nagging doubt. The only certainties were in naturally occurring, isolated situations which did not give me a choice. Thank goodness then that most of the wonderful things in my life had come by pure serendipity.

I began to think of Ethan and how he made me feel complete although we hardly knew each other. I felt at peace about him. Still the question surfaced: where would it lead?

## Chapter Twenty-two

I had just returned from my fourth date with Ethan. Three weeks had gone by since our first date. I liked him a lot but I was cautious. I did not want any man breaking my heart. It was obvious he truly liked me but I planned on taking things slowly.

I sat in front of my computer; my thoughts were of Ethan. I had enjoyed lunch with him that afternoon at Roger's Fish and Chips. Well, it was not only fish and chips they served. I chose fish and chips; Ethan got a burger. We sat under the white tent and ate. I was pleased that Ethan ordered ginger ale for us. That was my favorite soda.

"What's your favorite food?" Ethan paused to ask the question before taking a bite of his burger.

"I'd say pizza. Otherwise, I don't really like food or eat much." I eyed the food before me which I knew would mostly end up in the trash bin after I was done eating.

Ethan looked at me appreciatively. "Perhaps that explains your stunning figure."

I was embarrassed by his compliment but hid it well. "Thank you."

Ethan got me talking and laughing. At a point I warned him that I was not talkative but did occasionally find myself there. I needed to know when to apply the brakes because sometimes what I was saying was different from what I was thinking. It was my mouth running riot and putting me in a precarious position. Babbling always put me at a disadvantage. I was becoming skilled at keeping it subdued.

After eating, we walked to the Fisherman's Wharf and strolled along the two short streets, admiring the boat houses. They were truly each unique. The owners had gone to great lengths to decorate the outside of the houses. Most had beautiful flowers in front of them. We got to the end of one street and I looked into the sea. Schools of baby fish swam about with excitement and freedom. One commercial, passenger boat sped by and soon after, a big luxury ship cruised by. I took a few pictures of the boat houses, ship, boats, and the sea. Ethan took a couple of photos of me on his phone.

I enjoyed going out with Ethan. He made me feel relaxed; it was such fun being with him. He made me laugh and feel confident about myself. He was also interested in finding out what I liked to do.

I continued to think about Ethan. I have to say it: the dude had a killer swag. Everything about him was genuine and at the same time quietly confident. I liked his appearance, style, and voice. Actually, his voice varied from low, husky, to baritone. I was yet to figure out what triggered each variant. My guess was that it had to do with the emotion he was feeling at a particular time. Enough said – I did not mean to make it sound like a scientific experiment.

For some reason I stopped communicating with Andy – the hot millionaire. I just could not date two men simultaneously. Apparently, I had chosen Ethan over Andy.

**********

As fall gradually gave way to winter, I realized that I had never been that happy. I knew it was all connected to my relationship with Ethan as well as how whole I felt within.

One afternoon, Ethan called me on my cell phone wanting to meet up for lunch. We agreed to meet at 1pm. I suggested the top floor of The Bay Centre – the Food Court. It was an open place and I wanted to see if he would be reluctant to be seen with me in such a public place which would mean he had something to hide. He readily agreed.

I was glad I was wearing one of my favorite work clothes that day: sky blue custom fit Ralph Lauren Poplin shirt and a navy blue fitted Lauren Ralph single button Poplin blazer.

So we met at The Bay Centre. The Food Court was crowded as usual. It would have taken me a while to find Ethan had he not stood up and waved. We went to one of the stalls and ordered rice with chunks of chicken, mushroom, shrimp, and teriyaki sauce.

Ethan was very comfortable. He was wearing a nice, blue formal shirt and well-tailored work pants. I liked that we were wearing the same colour of shirt – lame, I know. He looked like what you would see on male fashion magazine or TV commercial, but without the cosmetic or photoshopped look. As he extended his hand to accept the bottled water from the server, his muscle bulged underneath his shirt. I was surprised by the pleasurable tingling feeling that enveloped me. I successfully suppressed it like I had often done since meeting Ethan. I was determined to first develop a good friendship with him.

I liked that he did not like wearing suits a lot. Men who wore suits all the time did not impress me. If it was a job dress code, then wear something different outside work or toss the jacket when possible. You get my drift? Perhaps Dick was the reason I abhorred men in suits. I saw Dick's penchant for suits as camouflage – made him look like a gentle man and successful executive. Michael wore nice semi-formal shirts and pants for work; and t-shirts and jeans outside work. He had looked okay in them.

Of their own accord and without effort, my thoughts and eyes focused on Ethan. He was paying using his debit card. There were two trays. He loaded one with two bottles of water, ginger ale and root beer. It made me happy that he still remembered that I liked ginger ale and water. Our food, cutlery and serviettes were on the other tray. I picked up the drink tray.

Ethan waited for me to sit down then took his seat. He was facing the crowd and I sat on his left so that I had a good view of the comings and goings. I tried to observe him to see if he was jittery. If he had another girl friend, he would not want her or someone who knew her to see him with another girl. Ethan appeared to be enjoying being with me. He was also very attentive. Occasionally he exchanged greeting – just a wave of hands – with some acquaintance, I presumed.

One couple came over to greet him. They were older. He introduced them as his friends, Doug and Kelly. He put his left arm slightly around me as he did that. The message was clear. Their smile broadened and they said something about getting together soon. Ethan looked at me and I nodded. Then he accepted the invite. "That would be great. Let me know the time and date and we'll see if that works for us." Ethan was revealing how perfect he was for me.

Everything was going well until my distrusting tactics backfired in my face. We were almost done when a man approached our table. Neither of us seemed to know him. He was smiling at me. "You're Luna... I'm Andy." Initially I was blank; so he continued. "I remember you from the online dating site. We've been communicating."

'Yes, I remember you. Nice to meet you." I shook his proffered hand. 'This is Ethan... Ethan meet Andy." The men shook hands, smiling and looking each other in the eyes. I wondered what was going on in their heads. Men knew how to hide their feelings. If it was women, it would have been easy to read their reactions to each other. I did not stand up and neither did Ethan. Andy stood a minute more smiling down at me. "I was coming from the government office over there and was near the escalator when I saw you."

I returned a tight smile. "Oh, I see."

In the awkward silence that followed, he quickly bade us farewell and left. I knew the Passport Office was at The Bay Centre. What I had not anticipated was that someone I communicated with only electronically would recognize me in person or introduce himself. And I had to be with Ethan when that happened. Talk about timing! I made eye contact with Ethan, wondering what he was thinking.

Ethan smiled at me. He then got up, loaded my tray on top of his before going to empty and place them on the rack nearby. As he came back, I got up.

"That was a good lunch and nice company." He was smiling genuinely at me.

I returned his smile in relief. "Thanks for the lunch. I enjoyed it too."

"My pleasure."

We took the escalator down. As we walked out of the Bay Centre, I felt like explaining. "Andy is a guy I met on the dating site. I haven't talked with him in a while and haven't been on a date with him."

"Are you planning to?" His voice was calm and non-accusatory. If I was right, he seemed to find the whole thing humorous.

"Not really.... I haven't promised him anything."

"Are you communicating with several men online?"

"No, just three initially...."

"Three?" He was laughing. "How do you do it? Keeping up with chats and emails and dates?"

There was no need to explain to Ethan that I was not communicating with all three at the same time. I was happy Ethan was not jealous. I wondered whether he knew who Andy was. Andy was even more handsome in person than in photos. He also had a likable personality. Not to mention his multi-millionaire status. He probably did not throw that information around which would explain why Hisoulmate had matched me with him when I was not paying for such services. Regardless, I had no intention of pursuing a relationship with Andy.

Ethan understood me better than I thought. I had told him about Michael and Dick by our third meeting. He knew I was reserved and did not sleep around or bar hop. Not that there was anything wrong with going to the bar. In fact, Ethan had promised to take me to one the next night the Canucks were playing.

"Actually, you're the only one I have agreed to meet so far."

Ethan nodded. He was such a good man and never made snide remarks. "You remind me of the Bachelorette on TV." He was really laughing now and I joined him.

"When do you have to be back at work?"

"Two. I hope I haven't kept you away from work."

"No, not all. I don't usually take a full break and so deserve this. I could go get my car and drop you off."

"No. I'll take Bus #14 across the street."

He touched me slightly. "I'll call you later."

I smiled at him. "Okay." I waved at him and walked towards the pedestrian crossing. The red light was on; so I walked to the next light on Yates and Douglas and waited for the pedestrian silver sign to appear before crossing the road.

**********

The following evening, Andy sent me an email asking again for us to meet. I began to analyze the fact that Ethan had not appeared jealous of Andy who looked like a male model and was taller too. Did it mean Ethan was a confident man? Did it mean he was not serious about me and so did not care what I did with other men? Was he bidding his time and waiting to get me to his bed – after all, the patient dog gets the fattest bone? I was not sure what to make of it all. Thinking about it got me restless. All I knew was that I had wanted Ethan to feel jealous. Perhaps he's doing a good job of hiding his jealousy. That was a possibility, I said, agreeing with the voice.

I wanted a man who had good self-control but showed his emotions. If he genuinely cared for me, I would like for him to show it. He's showing it but you're not looking. Thank you, Know-it-all. I sighed in frustration at the voice.

I accepted to go on a date with Andy instead of putting all my eggs in one basket – Ethan's. I hoped I would follow through on the promised date.

## Chapter Twenty-three

Andy wanted to pick me up but I refused because I did not want any of the guys to know where I lived yet. Also, I had always declined Ethan's requests to pick me up or take me home. My thinking was that a man I might never see again after a date or two should not know personal things about me. I needed to be sure he would be in my life for some time – even if not for the long haul, before I could feel comfortable sharing information about me.

As the weekend drew near, I felt more uneasy about going out with Andy. In spite of his good looks and money, I did not feel attracted to him. I was thinking that maybe after being on a date with him, sparks might fly. But I knew myself. It did not work that way with me. I had felt a connection with Ethan even before meeting him in person.

I had to be physically attracted to a man to get intimate with him. I felt like I was wasting Andy's time without his knowing. He needed a woman who would love him. I liked him but did not feel that vital chemistry. So, I sent Andy an email thanking him for the invite but declined and wished him good luck in his search for love. He understood and replied thanking me for my sincerity.

**********

Two gone and just one left. I wondered if I should start corresponding with some of the men who had recently shown interest in me. However, I did not; so, it was only Ethan in the running now. And I knew for certain that I liked him a lot and found it difficult keeping my feelings for him in check.

On his part, Ethan had not made any direct confession of love for me. He had told me, he had removed his profile from hisoulmate. I had not asked him why.

We were in November now. Ethan had asked me to meet him at his office so we could hang out after work.

As we were about to leave his office, Ethan put his hand across my waist, drawing me closer. I felt a rush of pleasurable emotion. We stared at each other.

Ethan was not hiding his emotions. "You're so beautiful. I like what you're wearing too."

I did not resist as he drew me close. He lowered his head and I closed my eyes, feeling his lips on mine. We kissed. It was tentative at first. As our kiss increased in intensity, I could feel his heartbeat. I stopped him suddenly by pushing him away gently. He still held me for a moment longer. Then he brushed my hair away from my face, so gently that my heart thumbed even more with so much emotion. But I was not going to succumb to the emotion and Ethan knew to exercise self-control. I remembered how on one of our dates, Ethan had tried kissing me and I turned so that he kissed my cheek. After that, he always gave me a quick peck on the forehead or cheek. And I was okay with that; even though I knew he wanted more and I longed for more.

We were going to see a movie at Empire Theatre or Cineplex. There was no particular movie we had in mind; so, we decided to check both places before choosing what to see.

Before going to the movies, we stopped at the coffee shop near Chapters Bookstore on Douglas Street. We ordered Espresso Frappuccino and Iced Caffé Mocha.

We stood aside waiting for our order to be ready.

A well dressed and perfectly made up lady walked towards us, her shoes clicking conspicuously. She stopped beside Ethan, glared at me, and then turned so that I could only see her back as she faced Ethan. Ethan introduced us with clear delineations: ex-wife and girlfriend. I said hi but she barely acknowledged me. She was sophisticated and exuded confidence. Ethan seemed irritated by her lingering presence. I stared at her with a knowing smile hovering on my happy face. Couldn't she get the message? My eyes silently probed when she made fleeting eye contact with me. My guess was that she got both messages.

"I'll see you at home." The woman said. She was trying to score one against me.

"My house? What for?" Ethan's voice was icy cold but polite.

The woman was lost for words. Ethan then added in a kind voice, "You should spend the time with your husband."

I felt embarrassed for the woman whose neck and cheeks had turned beet red. She paused and hissed, "I'm glad I never loved you." She gave me an insolent look and then walked back to the people she was with. I developed a new respect for Ethan. He knew how to deal with a manipulative woman.

Ethan looked at me with an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry about that...."

I looked in the woman's direction. She was the life of her small group. It was like nothing unpleasant just took place. "Does she live in Victoria now?" Ethan had told me he moved from Toronto to Victoria after his divorce. He was not in contact with her. Friends had told him she had remarried twice.

"I don't know and don't care one way or another. She's her husband's responsibility not mine." He put his arm loosely around my waist. "Come. We're good to go." He handed me my drink and then took his. He kept his arm lightly round my waist.

As we left, my mind dwelt on what had just happened. I was worried that perhaps Ethan's ex was in Victoria on a mission to get Ethan back. What was it I had once read about the power people wielded over their ex's? I had not paid much attention to that article because it was completely different than my situation. I was totally immune and indifferent to Dick.

I wished I had saved the article or at the least, read it with interest; instead of just skimming through it.

'Are you okay?" Ethan broke into my thought. His gentle voice soothed me some.

I smiled at him. "Yeah, thanks."

He looked at me for a long time; then took my hand as we walked towards the cinema place on Yates Street. "It's just that you suddenly became quiet – too quiet even for you."

I gave his palm a reassuring rub and smile. "It's nothing."

He nodded and held me more firmly. Strong emotion rushed through me and I wanted Ethan to embrace me. Of course, he did not know he could have successfully done so at that point. The feeling subsided and I was all excited as we crossed the road to find out what movies were playing at the Cineplex.

We narrowed our choices down to three: 'Cloud Atlas', 'Your Love Never Fails, and 'The Guilt Trip'. Ethan wanted me to choose but I declined. So he wrote all three out and asked me to pick. 'Love Never Fails' won. I forgot all about the encounter with Ethan's ex-wife as we got tickets, popcorn and made our way to the theatre.

Chapter Twenty-four

My relationship with Ethan was progressing fabulously. I could not have asked for a better match. I told Ethan when I removed my profile from Hisoulmate. We were in a committed relationship.

It was at that point, I had a strange but short dream.

I got a mail from Michael asking to meet me in San Fran where he was attending a conference. I booked my flight using my credit card and went to meet him. It was like a dream within a dream until I was boarding the plane back to Victoria. I turned to give him one last look. He was looking at me with tortured expression. I stopped. I wanted to run back and hug him. Instead I turned and walked through the jet bridge to board my flight. We had not spoken about 'us' or 'them'. But I was happy.

Then I sat up on my bed. It was just a dream yet I vividly remembered it. The thought of it left a bitter taste in my mouth. Although I had walked away, I did not feel excited by the dream. I was not sure what to make of it. When I was in college, I would dream I flunked exams but I never failed. In fact, I never missed the dean's list. Still I had no idea what the dream meant.

At that moment, Michael silently loomed bigger than goliath. I was like David. But where was my stone? You already have it. Immediately, I thought of Ethan. Peace and joy seemed to wash away my irritation. I smiled and went back to sleep.

Then I had another dream.

"I have missed you so much." Ethan moved his chair closer and reached for my hand as he said that. His eyes looked so blue they reminded me of a Victoria sky.

I allowed him to hold my hands in his and felt the warmth envelop my whole being. "I've missed you too." We were having a romantic dinner at a restaurant.

"I would like for us to spend time together getting to know each other."

My heart had increased its thumping. Ethan's smile was sending butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

I returned his smile shyly but mischievously. "I agree. I need to know if the rest of you are as appealing as...."

"Then we're in accord and shouldn't waste time." He moved his face towards mine and kissed me hungrily. Instinctively, my hands moved up and cradled his head as I returned his kiss urgently. Just as suddenly he stopped, breathing unsteadily.

Trying to control the feeling he aroused in me, I said, "That wasn't what I meant."

His eyes rested on my lips. "I know but I couldn't resist that." He placed two $20 bills on the table and got up extending his hand to me. In a husky voice he said, "Come, sweetheart, let's get out of here."

I woke up slowly with a smile and stretched. I began to reflect on the two different dreams. Something had changed. I tried but could not grasp it. I had held a mental image of Michael that I clung to. I tried to remember what he looked like but he seemed like distant memory. He was like a stranger who had walked by and I had not paid attention to him. He was a phantom.

My face then creased in a frown, "But why had I dreamed about him and Ethan?" I asked myself aloud. While I would like to believe that it symbolized letting go of Michael and letting in Ethan, I was not sure that was all there was to the dreams. Without intending to be negative but what if they meant the opposite? I had no answers and the voice was silent. It was the one time I wished it spoke. I could do with some help understanding what the dreams actually meant.

**********

As months went by, our relationship continued to grow. Ethan and I exchanged texts and talked on the phone, chatted most nights and spent time together at weekends. Sometimes we had lunch or dinner together during the week. It was through Ethan I got to know many nice restaurants. I was excited to explore each unique restaurant with their delectable cuisine: after all, Victoria was one of the world's gourmet capitals.

One Saturday afternoon, Ethan took me to a barbeque at his colleague, Ben's house. They were not really close but it was a work thing. There were many people and Ethan introduced me to some of them. Being an introvert, I was uncomfortable meeting new people. Ethan was with me throughout and we left as soon as it was okay to do so.

On our first anniversary, Ethan took me out for dinner at the Italian restaurant on Johnson Street. He also gave me one of my favorite perfumes: Dolce & Gabbana 'The One'. He knew I liked vanilla fragrance but he was also saying something more by giving me a perfume called "The One". I bought him a wrist watch he had once admired at Sears and gave it to him on our anniversary. We also exchanged romantic cards. That day, Ethan gave me the key to his house so I could come over any time I wanted. That night, we made out like we had never done but I was not ready to go all the way. I was a mature woman with strong beliefs and so should be able to set boundaries. Ethan respected those boundaries even when it was obviously difficult for him.

During the BC Day weekend, we went on a road trip covering most of the Vancouver Island. Ethan had picked me up at 8:00am and we got to Mill Bay before 9:00am. There was not much to see there. We got to Duncan twenty some minutes later and stopped for breakfast. We got back on the road soon afterwards but were not in a hurry.

We drove past Chemainus and then got to Ladysmith.

"Have been to see the Ladysmith Christmas lights yet?"

"No. I've never even heard of them."

"It's something worth seeing. The lightings are spectacular and attract lots of visitors."

"Sounds interesting."

"I'll bring you here at Christmas."

"Awesome!"

I liked the small town feel of Ladysmith. From the highway, we could see the ocean.

Ethan took a right turn off the Highway. Then I saw a sign that read, 'Transfer Beach'. We drove past a big antiquated object that looked like a military train. When we got to the parking lot, I could see the beach. It was beautiful. There were lots of play areas for kids and families. I even climbed the huge toy ship, navigating it from the captain's seat and cabin. Ethan took pictures and videos of me.

We climbed the steps down to the sandy beach and stood, silently looking out at the broad expanse of water. A few houses dotted the horizon on the other side of the ocean. I wondered what town or city those houses were located but I did not ask Ethan. The silence was companionable. Ethan had his arm around me and it was such a beautiful moment.

"What's that?" I asked Ethan as we resumed walking on the beach.

I was pointing at a historic object on the sandy beach. It looked like a machine gun or huge telescope. As we got closer it looked like a small canon made out of heavy metal.

"It's a harpoon."

The text inscribed on the flat surface beside it confirmed what Ethan had said. It was used by whaling ships to kill whales.

Since we wanted to get as far as central Vancouver Island, we did not linger at the beach. We got to Nanaimo before noon.

"Do you want to stop for burger?"

"Sounds great!" I enthused.

"One of the best burger places on Vancouver Island is here in downtown Nanaimo. Ever heard of the famed mountain burger?"

"No but I'm now hungry."

"Me too." We laughed liked we were two teenagers fooling around.

So, we got hamburgers. Ethan was right: the burgers were yummy.

We drove around Nanaimo a bit. It was another beautiful harbour city like Victoria but less crowded.

"That's the Woodgrove Centre."

I looked in the direction Ethan was indicating. "It looks very big."

"It sure is.... It's the biggest mall on the whole of Vancouver Island."

Ethan asked me to choose between going to Port Alberni or Comox. I did.

So we left Nanaimo and headed for Port Alberni. We drove past Parksville and got to Cameron Lake about fifteen minutes later. We stopped there and walked on the beach. It was so serene. Ethan sat on a log and I joined him. We were quiet, just looking out at the lake. Across from the lake, there was a railway track on top of the hill. The dense forest made the track almost invisible.

"Is that a railway track right at the edge of the hills?" I asked Ethan, pointing at the north side of the lake. Incredulity was written all over my face.

He nodded. "Although it looks that way from here, I suppose it's not that precarious. I wonder if they still do train excursions around that side of the lake."

"Looks scary. I wouldn't want to take a train that goes by that track."

"Might be an exciting experience," Ethan said teasing me.

I just shook my head, returning his smile.

Soon, we were back on the Port Alberni Highway. The view of the mountains and forests was stunning.

"That's Cathedral Grove," Ethan told me as we drove by the woods in an area where the trees had the thickest trunks I had ever seen. There were many people and parked cars. I concluded it was a tourist attraction. "It takes over ten people to circle some of those trees."

"Wow! It's a wonder of the world in my book!"

Ethan laughed. "You are the wonder in my book."

That caught me off-guard and so I was typically speechless. I just looked at him, smiling with happiness as I gave his shoulder a loving squeeze.

It did not take very long before we arrived in Port Alberni. It was a small town. The mountainous landscape made the town look absolutely beautiful. We stopped at the Mark's clothing store. Ethan bought me a toque and a wool neck scarf. Both had orange background. He knew I liked the colour, orange. We drove around the small town and then stopped to get gas at a gas station.

"I'll take you to Tofino another time," Ethan promised as we pulled out of the gas station.

We left Port Alberni before four pm and were back in Victoria around seven pm.

It was a wonderful trip. It was at that point that it actually began to register in my cautious mind that my life with Ethan was going to be an amazing adventure.

## Chapter Twenty-five

I knew I had fallen in love with Ethan and that scared me. I knew how that worked. I began to worry that Ethan seemed too good to be true and I felt that he had skeletons in his cupboard that would hurt me in the long run. What exactly are you looking to find hidden away? I did not know what I was scared of. Was I looking for a way to end the relationship? Was I inadvertently trying to sabotage the good thing going for me?

"I sometimes feel like Ethan is hiding something," I said in response to Sandra's question about my glum look. We were having our weekly outing at Azuma Sushi, a Japanese restaurant in downtown Victoria.

Sandra frowned. "Like what?"

'I don't know... but he's so good to me...."

"And why shouldn't he be? You're an amazing woman and Ethan knows that."

"Still..."

"Still nothing. Enjoy what you have and stop looking for imaginary problems." I was pensive for a while. Sandra continued, "Ethan is a hot and really good guy – I can tell. Just be thankful for what you have."

Ethan and I had gone on double date with Sandra and some guy she met recently who worked in the same building where the law firm was.

Sandra was right. Ethan had not given me any reason not to trust him. We went about in public holding hands. When we ran into people he knew, he always introduced me as his girl-friend.

Nonetheless, I had a nagging fear which I did not share with Sandra. Why had Ethan not accepted the friend request I sent him on Facebook a couple months ago?

**********

It was Friday and my day off as a result of accumulated OT's I had done during the recently concluded fund-raiser at BBBS of Victoria. It was my long weekend and I was very excited. Ethan and I had not made any plans but we always kept our weekends free for each other. Usually, we spent Saturday outdoors taking walks around Dallas Road, Beacon Hill Park, Willow's Beach, and so many other places in and around Victoria.

Fall was gradually getting cooler, announcing the approach of winter. I thought about the possibility of a white Christmas in Victoria. I was not getting my hopes up after the wet and sunny yuletide seasons since I moved to Victoria. You would think that I had had my fill of snow while I was in Minot but I still craved a white Christmas.

Redirecting my thoughts to my iPad screen, I logged in to my Facebook page. I had a friend request. I clicked the red notification and saw the name, Emily Johnstone. Neither the name nor the photo rang a bell. It was a policy of mine never to accept friend requests from people I did not know. I wanted to decline the request or block the person but then I hesitated.

Facebook creeping was not really my thing but I decided to find out who the woman was. Clicking on her profile, I saw that the person lived in Victoria. Her relationship status was 'In a relationship', and worked at 'Rarejob'. I did not know what that meant. I had seen all sorts of creative job descriptions and school names on Facebook, like 'School of Hard Knocks'. The woman's page was set as public; I could see photos, timeline, and friends. Within a minute or two, I was looking at her friends' list. I scrolled through the one hundred some list, not recognizing anybody. Then I skimmed her photos. I was about to close her profile when I saw a photo of two people sitting by a waterfall. It looked like Victoria City Hall. The man looked like Ethan. I used my thumb and forefinger to enlarge the photo. There. It was Ethan with the woman called Emily.

My heart began to pound in my ears. It was loud.

Calm down.

I did not pay attention to the voice. I went back to the friend's list and checked again. There it was: Ethan's name. I must have been focusing on profile pictures and so missed it the first time. His profile picture was a technical design, similar to a prism. I clicked on his name. All I could see was his cover picture. It looked like the classic painting by British Canadian Arthur Lismer, 'Rain in the North Country'.

I sat back in my loveseat and pondered the discovery. Who was Emily Johnstone? I did not want to jump to any conclusions. I went back to look at the photo. It was posted a week ago. My mouth became dry and my heart beat faster than it was beating minutes ago, if that was possible. Don't jump to conclusions. Keep calm.

Was she the reason he had not accepted my FB friend's request? Was she his girlfriend too? Was he sleeping with her because I was not ready to sleep with him yet?

My next instinct was to call Ethan and confront him.

I resisted the urge. He was at work and I was in a panic. It would not go well. I needed to show some maturity and was not going to act desperate.

So, I decided to go to the gym.

I liked going to the fitness gym at Vic West. It was also just a stone's throw from my workplace at BBBS of Victoria.

I could not focus on anything since my discovery on Facebook. I had lost my appetite and at the gym, I went through my routine mechanically. Without showering or changing, I left for home.

Once back at my apartment, I hit the shower. I allowed the tepid water to keep running down my body as though washing away my worries. God please help me. I didn't want to go through another bad relationship.

It was 5:30pm when I decided to call Ethan.

"Hey Erin, I was just thinking of calling you as soon as I got home." He sounded sincere. I could hear the sound of his keys as he unlocked his door.

"Hi Ethan. Would it be possible for us to talk tonight?" We had dined out yesterday and had not made any plans to see today.

"Are you okay?" His voice was full of concern.

'I'm okay. There's something I need to discuss with you."

"I can tell that something is wrong. I'll come over right away. Is that okay?"

"Sounds good."

"See you in a bit. If you're up to it, we could go grab dinner at one of our favourite places."

"See you soon, Ethan."

After we ended the call, I sat down wondering the best way to go about the issue. Ethan and I had agreed soon after we started dating that it was exclusive and serious relationship we wanted. I made it clear from the beginning that I did not believe in sex outside of marriage and he had not pressed me. In fact, I felt that he respected me for it.

Since he had not given me any reason to believe that he was seeing any other woman, I needed to be careful not to come across as accusatory.

Ethan would be knocking at my door soon. I went to the bathroom to freshen up.

My heart had calmed some but I was still hurting.

When I heard the firm knock on the door, I felt something akin to a mixture of relief and panic. I opened the door slowly, a tremulous smile on my face. "Hi Ethan."

Ethan's face showed he was worried. "What's going on, Erin?" He held my hand as we walked into the living room. I went to sit on one of the stools in my mini-bar. Still holding my hand, Ethan drew the second stool close and sat down.

"I don't know where to begin.... Would you like to tell me why we are not friends on Facebook?" It probably sounded lame but that was what came to my mind to ask.

"I have a Facebook account but I'm not a Facebook kind of guy. In fact, I haven't logged in to Facebook for months now."

Ethan was still holding my hands. I slowly extricated my hands from his. "Do you have Facebook friends?"

"I do and what's the point?"

"Just wondering why we are not friends on Facebook."

"If it's a big deal to you, why don't you look me up and send me a friend's request?"

I kept my voice calm as I replied, "I already did."

"When?"

"Some months back."

"And you thought I saw it but didn't accept?"

I knew I had to tread cautiously so it did not look like I was jumping to conclusion without first allowing him explain.

At the same time, I decided to take the bull by the horns. "I didn't know what to think all this time but it never bothered me much until today when I saw you were friends with someone who has your photo on her Facebook page." I must have said all that in less than ten seconds.

"Some woman has my photo on her page?" He looked incredulous.

"Yup. The woman sent me a friend's request but I don't know who she is. I decided to check her profile and that's how I saw your photo on her page."

"What's the name of this woman?"

"Emily Johnstone."

He did not seem to immediately remember who that was. "There's an Emily I dated a couple years ago. If she's my friend on Facebook, it isn't a recent addition. "

"How come she has a photo of you two put recently on her page?"

"I have no idea, Erin. I just can't remember a photo of the two of us being taken?"

"I know what I saw."

Ethan got up. "Looks like you are upset about something. Or it is that you think I'm seeing someone besides you?" His eyes were trained on me like he was reading me and then, like he was completing his train of thought, he said, "which I find disappointing."

I remained seated and did not respond. My silence hurt him. I could see it in his eyes.

Ethan shook his head. "Have a nice evening, Erin." And he was gone.

Tears ran down my face.

I had not handled the situation well. I still had questions I would have liked Ethan to answer. More importantly, I did not want to lose Ethan. I could not imagine my life without him in it.

When it looked like my muddled thoughts were going nowhere, I went to the bathroom and splashed water over my swollen face. I stared back at my sad face in the mirror. My mind went back to the past traumatic experiences I had had with men, especially my former husband. Surprisingly, I did not feel any pain associated with thoughts of him. As my thought shifted to Michael, I could not decipher how I felt. It was more like a subtle kind of anger.

I looked hard at myself. One thing was clear: I had no sexual interest in Michael. If there was ever that probability, it was all in the past.

I was attracted to Ethan in a deeper way than with any other man who had been close to me. He was perfect for me in every way. He understood me better than anyone else – and I him. He knew how to make me smile even when I was not feeling like it. He was confident but not arrogant and admitted when he was at fault. Also, he encouraged open communication. My feelings for him had developed from sexual to something deeper. I felt good about us.

Past experiences had left scars. But who did not come with some form of baggage? Ethan was the kind of man who would be there to help me work through mine. Yet, I had hurt him tonight by implying he was cheating on me and that I did not trust him. Was it over between us?

I was hurting but I was done chasing after men.

## Chapter Twenty-six

Even though I was not going to contact Ethan, I could not stop thinking about him. Deep within me, I did not think he was a two-timing jerk. I remembered the clichéd expression, "Follow your gut feeling. It is always right". The thing was that I often could not differentiate between what was my gut feeling and what was my imagination just running riot. So it was a matter of choosing to trust except in the presence of clear evidence proving otherwise. On the other hand, I could also choose to not trust and give up on love. No risk, no love. It was my call.

It was nearly ten PM when I shook myself free from the melancholy that was taking hold of me. I turned on the television and went through channels. Homeland was on. That was enough to keep me engrossed although Carrie tended to irritate me some. I sat back, propping myself up with my patterned throw pillows.

I sat up with a start. It was the television that woke me up. I must have slept through half of the Homeland episode. Although it was unusual for me, I was happy because I had assumed it would be a sleepless night for me. A quick glance at my silver and black Infinity Mercury wall clock showed that it was 2:45 a.m. How could I have slept for four hours?

I checked my phones. There was no missed call, message or text. I was sad yet I had peace. Making my way sluggishly to my bedroom, I pulled back the covers and lay down hoping to get more sleep. But it was not going to happen.

My thoughts were about Ethan. Instead of sleep, tears filled my eyes and brimmed over. It was then I began to cry in earnest for the first time since Ethan left my apartment. My heart ached as I cried. I could feel the pain in my chest. The thought that my neighbours might hear the sobbing, helped me calm down a little. I used the back of my hand to wipe away the tears.

My eyes wandered from the beautiful light green walls to the framed picture hanging on the wall adjacent to my bed. It was a gift from Ethan and my favourite picture. I never tired of looking at the lush pasture, sheep grazing, a horse in an outdoor stall, a brook running at the back of the homely, white farmhouse with forest green roof, large coral red barn, and faraway mountains. It was the epitome of tranquility and beauty.

It really worked. After staring at the picture for some time, I began to feel the lifting of the weight of depression that had suddenly engulfed me. The fire of faith warmed my lonesome body. It was not long before the breaking dawn filled the room with the rising sun.

After going to the bathroom, I went to the dining area and sat down. I logged in to my Facebook account. I noticed a notification that Ethan had accepted my friend request. He even left a short message apologizing for not seeing the request earlier; adding that he had not logged in to Facebook in a long time. I clicked on his page. A look at his friends' list showed that he had 'unfriended' the woman who was responsible for the fight.

Still, I wondered why she had posted the picture of them recently.

I did not hear from Ethan that day. It was difficult but I resisted every urge to contact him.

**********

A week went by and there was still no word from Ethan. Occasionally, I had looked at his Facebook page but there was no recent activity. I began scrolling down the pages.

It was then I saw a familiar name. Brad Henley. I recognized him from his profile picture. Ethan had introduced him to me as a colleague some months ago and we had chatted with him at a work barbecue party I attended with Ethan. For no obvious reason other than curiosity, I started going through his page.

Some minutes later, I saw a photo of him, Ethan, and three women. There were comments written by various people about the photo but they were from two or three years ago. One of women in the photo looked familiar. Where had I seen her? Was she Ethan's former wife?

I went back to scrutinize Ethan's page. There were just a handful of photos. I could recognize his older brother and his family from the pictures Ethan had shown me at his house. They lived in Fort McMurray, Alberta. He was a chemical engineer and worked in the oil industry.

So, that was not Ethan's ex and not his brother, Scott's wife. It was then I remembered the name Emily Johnstone. Within seconds, I found her page. The picture of her and Ethan was still there. It all came together in my head. That photo was the same one I just saw on Brad's page. Everything was the same: clothes, facial expressions, and setting. They were sitting at exactly the same spot. Why would she edit the photo and post afresh on her page? Why now? Was she crazy or stupid to crop an old group photo so it looked like it was just Ethan with her when there was nothing going on between them? She knew about Ethan and me. She probably set her Facebook page to public so I would see it – that was why she sent me the friend request. But why?

My thoughts shifted to Ethan and how much I was missing him. I applauded myself for not giving in to the urge to send him a text or email. If he did not contact me, I would have to painfully accept he was not really the guy for me. After all, it was his responsibility to explain about the picture. I tried putting myself in his shoes and my unbiased conclusion was that if my photo appeared on a guy's page, it was my responsibility to clarify or show my innocence to Ethan.

I was still rationalizing my position when my cellphone rang causing me to nearly jump out of my skin. My heart beat accelerated. I looked at the caller ID.

"Hey," I said answering the phone and hoping I hid the disappointment in my voice well.

"Long time no see or talk, girl. You okay?" Sandra's concerned voice made my eyes to brim over. I could not respond immediately. Sandra continued, "I haven't been there for you the last few days and I'm so sorry."

"That's not true, Sandra. In spite of the appeal case your boss is working on which keeps you in the office late, you still talk with me on the phone every night. I hear the tiredness in your voice and feel guilty for keeping you up but I know you wouldn't have it any other way and I am grateful. So, you have been here for me."

"It's not the same as being there in person. I can't wait for this case to be over next week."

"How are doing... the crazy work hours and all?"

"I'm enjoying every bit of it, honestly," Sandra said, her infectious laughter lifting my spirits.

"I'm so proud of you and hope you guys win the case. No need to worry about me. I'm okay."

"We're going to celebrate when this brief is successfully concluded."

"Looking forward to that!"

Sandra always knew how to make me feel better. As I ended the call, I realized how hungry I was. I was losing weight because of skipping meals and thought to eat something a bit calorie packed although it was past ten at night. Opening the freezer, I brought out a chicken lasagna frozen dinner. After removing the paper wrap, I used a knife to punch holes in the plastic cover and then set it to cook in the microwave.

## Chapter Twenty-seven

"Where are you? Are you home now?"

I stopped by the door leading out of the office. "Just leaving work. Why?" I knew Sandra would still be at work for another couple of hours on a normal day. It was Friday but she still worked till seven or eight.

"Does the thought of pizza night make your mouth water?"

"I 'm seeing Pizza Royal now.... In fact, I can smell it...."

"Good. Your craving will soon be satisfied."

"You coming now?"

"No, girl. Can't do. Will be here till seven."

"Oh...." I did not mean to sound disappointed but I did all the same. The long wait for pizza was going to be a torturous one. "I could go ahead to place the order if you tell me when you'll be at my place."

Sandra sighed. "It's my idea, Erin, so I'll take care of it."

"No need to sound like you're pacifying a spoiled kid."

Sandra laughed. "Someone is getting cranky. I'd better set the plan in motion then."

I laughed. "See you soon."

Sandra's infectious laughter continued in my ears as I hung up and left the office building.

**********

It was two weeks since Ethan walked out of my apartment and I have not heard from him. At the thought of not seeing him again, my heart did another painful thud. I tried shifting my thought away from Ethan without success. The usual ache was not lessening at all. Each text, phone call, or email notification I received caused my heart to thump in an intensely hurtful way. The disappointment that followed just seemed to hit harder. Ethan occupied my thoughts day and night.

A knock on the door startled me. It was then I remembered that Sandra was coming over with pizza. Without looking through the peep hole, I opened the door, grinning from ear to ear.

Ethan was standing there. My face froze. I stood looking at him speechless.

"May I come in?" There were lines under his deep blue eyes that had not been there previously. He smiled tentatively and I let him in.

He sat on the couch and I sat across from him on my zebra moon chair.

There was an awkward silence that stretched until I took a deep breath and adjusted my sitting position. Then he began to speak.

"I'm so sorry for the long absence and silence. There were things I thought I should do to remove every iota of doubt you might have – that's if you still want to be with me."

I did not know what he was talking about. Only one word came out of my mouth in response. "Okay."

Ethan sat forward. "About that photo.....I was attending a B. B. King's concert with some friends. The ladies in that photo were acquaintances of my friends; they also attended the concert. Afterwards we were all sitting by the fountain and chatting, about half a dozen of us. Someone took the photo and later tagged us on Facebook so we all got to see it."

Ethan paused, looking at me intently. I did not say anything but showed I was paying attention. So he continued, taking my hands in his. "Emily had suggested we go out for a drink and I had gone for coffee with her once. After that, I didn't want to see her again but she started to almost stalk me. At a point, I had to enlist my friend's help to get her to back off. Perhaps she was holding a grudge because of that. That's an old photo. Perhaps she heard about us from my friend and did that photo game to spite me. Since I'd rather not have any contact with her, I decided to ignore the photo incident except to unfriend her."

I went to sit on the couch with him. 'Thanks for explaining all this to me."

"I should have done so that evening but I was disappointed that you thought I was seeing someone else."

"I didn't know what to think...."

"Are we good?" he asking giving the smile I loved so much.

I beamed at him. "We sure are."

"I've missed you so much, Erin."

"I have missed you too, Ethan."

We embraced and looked into each other's eyes. Then we locked lips as though starved or dehydrated. Not for food or water. We had missed each other so much.

The pounding on the door and my ringing phone finally brought me to the present. I drew away from Ethan and went to the door.

I had forgotten about Sandra and the pizza. I hurriedly opened the door.

Sandra was carting a box of pizza and a bottle of wine in a bag. "Are you okay? You got me worried when you were not answering the door or your phone."

"I'm so sorry, Sandra. I forgot...."

It was then Sandra saw Ethan. "Hi Ethan; so nice to see you." She gave me the "I see" look.

"Hi Sandra.... Looks like I've interrupted your girls' night."

Sandra gave her trademark laughter. "Not at all, Ethan. The more the merrier. In fact, if anyone should leave it's me."

I stood looking at the two people I cared most about. "No one is leaving. I feel so blessed to have you two in my life and spending this evening with you two will mean so much to me."

I got wine glasses and took the Jackson-Triggs Rosé wine out of the paper bag. Ethan was standing beside me running his fingers through my hair. It was making me breathe faster with desire.

Sandra went to the kitchen and came back with one of my flat pizza plates.

We settled down to eat. Sandra did most of the talking.

A short time later, Ethan got up to leave. "I should be going. Thanks for the pizza."

I walked with Ethan to the door. We kissed some more and then he was gone with "I'll see you tomorrow."

**********

That evening, after Sandra had left, I was still in the euphoria of Ethan coming back to me. We still had things to talk about but I was relieved Sandra showed up when she did. Otherwise, there was no saying how far Ethan and I would have taken things. It was also a good idea he left before Sandra did. Not to mention that he encouraged us to have our girl time.

I could not sleep and so decided to check Facebook. I saw a notification indicating that Ethan had updated his status to "In a relationship with Erin Lindgren". I smiled, feeling happier than I had felt in a long time.

There was another notification. It was a friend request from a female with the message: Hi Erin, I know this may seem like an unconventional way to introduce myself, but in these days of social media craze, perhaps not so unconventional. I'm Ethan's sister-in-law. He visited us recently and told us about you. Looks like he goofed somehow but please go easy on him. Men can be completely clueless about women. I have been married to one for nine years and it still baffles me. Hope to meet you soon! Love, Jenna

I accepted Jenna's friend request and left her a message.

Hi Jenna, It's great connecting with you on Facebook. I look forward to meeting you too. And thanks for the advice! 

I went to bed reflecting on the recent turn of events. I was surprised that Ethan had visited his family in Alberta. He certainly would have told me about it if Sandra had not shown up when she did. It pleased me that he told his brother and sister-in-law about me. I felt everything was falling in place and that my future was with Ethan. A secure happy future.

## Chapter Twenty-eight

My cellphone beeped which immediately woke me up. I looked at the bedside clock. It was 9:21. I picked up my phone to read the text message. 'Good morning, Babe. How did you sleep? Would you like to come over to my place? We have so much to talk about and I'll cook lunch. Let me know 

I replied: Good morning Baby. Sounds great; I'll be there by 2pm if that works for you.

He replied immediately: Perfect. See you then!

I jumped out of bed, humming John legend's "... all of me loves all of you...all your perfect imperfections." In the kitchen, I got a carton of skim milk out of the refrigerator, poured some into a bowl, added a sachet of oat meal and set it to cook in the microwave for two minutes. When it was ready, I scooped some yogurt into the oatmeal. Then I added cubed banana and strawberries.

While eating, I checked my mail and then Facebook, Twitter, and LinkedIn. There was nothing interesting. I logged off and shut down my laptop.

I took my time getting ready to go see Ethan. It was like before I could say 'Jack Robinson', it was time to get going. I needed at least 30 minutes to get to Ethan's place.

I looked at myself in the mirror in my bedroom. My slightly faded jeans fitted me to a T. My red knitted top looked smart and sexy. My glossy, thick hair hung loose over my shoulders. I added a pair of silver drop ear-rings to complete the look. As my lightly made up face stared back at me, I smiled and said, "You sure do look delectable".

I was bubbling with excitement as I pressed the front door bell. Ethan opened it grinning at me. I could see the happiness in his eyes. "Hey Beautiful, glad to see you!" he said hugging me.

"Same here," I said settling into the close embrace. I felt like I had arrived at my desired destination emotionally. My favorite place was in Ethan's arms.

We kissed briefly.

Ethan was still holding me and I could feel him. "Do you know how beautiful you are?" he asked me, his voice very low and deep. Ethan's deep voice never ceased to turn me on.

My heart rate increased. I had schooled myself in the art of self-control. I knew being with Ethan alone and at his place was like inviting temptation but we were two mature adults. I slowly moved away from Ethan. "Something smells yummy."

Ethan ran his hand through his hair. I looked at him with longing.

His eyes showed the battle ranging beneath the outward calm. He smiled in a way that showed he knew how I was also feeling. Taking my hand, he led me towards the kitchen. "Your man has been busy preparing something suitable for his queen."

"It's so wonderful to have my king cook for me."

Ethan opened the oven door and pulled out a baking tray. A Pyrex glass casserole dish was sitting on it. The food looked delicious. Macaroni, prawns, scallops, diced white meat, and bell peppers.

"Wow! Did you order that from Black Olive?"

He was pleased with my response. "Thanks for the compliment – but I did all the cooking."

"I didn't know you're such a great cook."

"You inspire me."

"I do?" I asked in a flirtatious tone, standing in a way that highlighted my newly rejuvenated poise.

"You do," he gave me a quick kiss on the lips as he said that. "Are you ready to eat?"

I nodded my head vigorously. "I sure am!" I was hungry and the aroma of the food was making my mouth water.

It was as delicious as it looked and smelled.

Ethan got two glasses of Pinot Noir, and strawberries. We toasted to our love and amazing future together. He handed me one glass and picked up a strawberry. I took a bite and he ate the remainder. He placed the bowl of strawberries near me as we talked some. Actually Ethan did most of the talking. He told me how much he regretted that he did not explain everything to me that evening. He was sorry that he had allowed his hurt feeling influence his action and he had left. The following week, he had taken some of his vacation time and gone to visit his brother in Alberta.

Ethan and I then promised to always think the best of each other because we will always have each other's back. We agreed to never walk away from each other even when we believed words were not necessary in making things better.

Afterwards, Ethan got up. I admired his sexy body as he fiddled with his iPod and then moved to his impressive, high-tech sound system. The song "I'm a believer" sang by the Monkees filled the room. I knew the Shrek version and so could sing along with imaginary microphone. It surprised me that I could loosen up like that. I was seeing a new me. We sang together and laughed together at the end of the song.

The next song that Ethan chose was Al Green's 'Let's Stay Together'. As the melody flowed, Ethan gently drew me to him and we danced to the song. Although it had a fast beat, we danced slowly in each other's arms, savoring the lyrics of the song.

Soon we were kissing with such urgency that somewhere in my subconscious I knew I was not going to call a halt to our making out. It was the ringing of my phone that brought me back to my senses.

I extricated myself from the embrace although my phone had stopped ringing. Talk about good timing! It was the voice. I had missed it. Hey, where have you been?

I checked my phone to see who had called. It was Sandra. The voice message said, Girl, it's me. Just calling to find out how things are going with you love birds. Hope to hear the wedding bells ringing soon. Talk or see you soon. Ciao.

I was glad Ethan did not hear Sandra's message. He had gone to the bathroom. I was relieved that the phone call had stopped things from getting out of control.

Ethan came back to the living room and sat beside me. "What do you feel like doing? A movie? A walk? A drive?"

"Let's go for a drive and a walk."

We drove to the Mount Douglas Regional Park. There were other people around. We parked and walked up the track to the top of the hill. On our way back, we stopped at the store opposite the Hillside Mall to get some cold juice and chocolate drink. Ethan also bought my favourite vanilla chocolate cake which I took home. It was an enjoyable afternoon.

However, the day was not yet over. When we got to my place, Ethan walked me to my door as he always did. Instead of leaving, he walked in with me.

Giving me the greatest, happiest surprise of my life, Ethan went on one knee and asked me to marry him. I happily accepted. The diamond ring he gave me was beautiful. It was such an emotional moment. If I knew anything about Ethan, it was that he must have been carrying the ring with him while waiting for the right moment to propose.

"You have made me the happiest man alive." He looked so happy it brought tears to my eyes.

"You have made me the happiest woman alive, Ethan."

We shared a long, passionate kiss.

Ethan got up. "Let's go celebrate."

"Yes!"

## Chapter Twenty-nine

As summer replaced spring, rainfall became minimal giving way to domineering sunshine. Tourists were beginning to trickle in. Sightseeing buses and horse drawn carts bearing tourists were gradually adorning our beautiful city again. There was excitement in the air as people went about in summer wears. Restaurants' outdoor booths were also getting crowded.

Ethan wanted us to fix a wedding date. I wanted to but something kept holding me back. I knew it was indescribable torture for both of us keeping our emotions in check. I was absolutely sure that I wanted to get married to Ethan. What I did not understand was why I was feeling like he deserved better than me. I was also certain that I loved and liked him. We were in love with each other and the bubbling chemistry between us made me happy. I had never felt that way about any other man. Ethan and I complemented each other in every way. There was no need to delay the marriage any longer. I decided then to talk to Ethan and agree on a wedding date.

I had almost forgotten all about Michael when I suddenly received an email from him. I was scared to read it. I even forgot to read the subject line in order to have an idea of the tone and subject matter. Not that it would have helped. After all, some hurtful letters had come in seemingly harmless subject lines. I resisted reading the email for as long as I could – that was until curiosity got the better of me. The email was as terse as some of his previous short notes to me.

Hey,

I hope you're doing well. I'm here in Victoria to see you so we can talk. I do apologize for the long silence. Things don't always work out the way we expect. I'm on my way to Detroit, please tell me where we can meet in town and I'll get a cab down there.

Michael

Michael was in Victoria? Why had he come all this way? Michigan was close to parts of Eastern Canada not the West Coast. What was he doing here? Should I ignore his email?

I wrote back telling Michael to meet me at a coffee shop on Douglas Street at six pm. I included the address so it would be easy for the cab driver to find.

That evening, I dressed simply in jeans pants and bold-checked top. I wore a black tank top underneath the yellow check shirt.

I got there a few minutes after 6pm and as I walked in, there he was sitting at the far end of the room looking lean and tanned. His hair had greyed so much and he looked older. He nodded with a smile and I walked to where he was. He was getting up to pull out my chair but I hurriedly sat down. I took a furtive look at him and then looked down at my hands. For some reason I was ashamed of whatever I had felt for him which turned out to be a passing fancy or infatuation.

Michael was silent; then I fixed him with a penetrating stare that said 'be done with it'.

He spoke. "How have you been?"

'Fine." I was not interested in small talk but I was too considerate to tell him that.

I was relieved when he seemed to cut to the chase.

"I'm sorry how things ended the last time we were together in Minot."

I did not respond.

"I needed to see you to explain things because email didn't seem suitable."

My heart constricted with panic. "You're here now so you can go on." My voice was so calm it might have belonged to a stranger.

He let out a deep breath. "There isn't much to say except that after we had one of those arguments we hadn't had in ages, she said things that showed she didn't love me and I told her to let me go since neither of us loved the other. She said a few uncomplimentary things and said it was over. I didn't want to get you involved since I did not know how nasty things might get. Anyway, we signed the divorce papers a few months ago and I'm starting a new job in Detroit at the end of this month."

I just sat there stupefied. By "she" he obviously meant his wife. But why was he telling me all this? He did not want to get me involved in what? He was talking like we were really seeing each other. We certainly were not an item and I still did not know what he was doing in Victoria.

I shifted in my chair and said, "The end of a marriage isn't always a good thing."

"No but that marriage was over many years ago. What's the use of being in a relationship if the two people are not happy together and can't work around their problems? No one deserves to live that way. It's a waste of precious time."

I nodded. "You're right. People need to be free to seek happiness elsewhere if they can't find it with their present partner. Irreconcilable differences mean different things to different people."

He smiled. "That's why I'm here, Erin. The chemistry between us is palpable and I believe my future is with you."

I was stunned even further. He obviously had failed to notice the engagement ring I was wearing.

The silence stretched as I continued to stare at him in speechless amazement. I wondered what my treacherously revealing face was saying to him.

"I'm sorry for springing this on you like this. You don't have to give me an answer right away. I could stay in Victoria couple of days more."

Looking at Michael, I could not tell what I had initially found attractive about him. He was a liar, weakling, and hypocrite. I could go on and on. What kind of married man held clandestine meetings with another married woman? He did not know that I had heard about the scandal that rocked the institute over his affair with Jill. My gut feeling had been right about him and Jill. I recollected how he had vehemently denied having anything to do with that woman. Even then, I never really believed that whatever was between them was sexual. To think that I had berated myself for my over-active imagination – which turned out not to be as ridiculous as I had thought.

I looked at his treacherous face and fake smile as he sat across from me. It was not the face of my beloved. It was the face of a disturbed man. I almost felt sorry for him.

I tried not to despise him for the pain he had caused me all that time I needed a friend and had not been treated as one. I was not interested in finding out why his wife divorced him although I suspected it had to do with Jill. As I looked at him, I noticed that the crow's feet near his eyes had become more marked. His face looked like he was ten years older than his forty -five years. His hazel eyes now looked so faded they were an ugly gray.

I wondered how I could have thought his beady eyes were attractive. His coffee stained teeth now irritated me. I looked from his balding grey hair to his hunched back as he went to get more coffee. He still had the sexiest butt I ever saw; except that now it held no attraction for me. Instead I noticed how middle age syndrome was catching up with him. His gut suggested that he no longer went to the gym and was gulping lots of beer.

Suddenly, I seemed to come to my senses. It was like scales just fell from my eyes. What was I doing there? Trying to be polite to a man who had made my life miserable?

I got up, slung my purse across my left shoulder and walked up to him.

"It was nice seeing you again but I have to go now. My fiancé is waiting for me."

He coloured up in embarrassment. The barista was listening intently which made Michael turn beet red. The back of his ear had patches of red too, making the skin look unhealthy. I felt sorry for him.

I smiled genuinely at him. "Have a safe trip back to the States."

I did not wait for Michael to say anything. I walked away feeling completely liberated. As soon as I was outside, I called Ethan on his cell phone hoping he would be available to go for lunch.

He answered on the first ring. "Hey, where are you? I was just about to call you."

"I'm walking towards The Bay Centre."

"I thought you were meeting an old friend." He knew who I was meeting.

"Yeah, I'm done here."

"Can I come pick you up for lunch?"

"Cool. I'll wait on the side street near The Bay Centre. I think it's View Street...."

"Perfect! I'll be there right away."

I put my phone back in my purse and walked towards the pedestrian crossing. Smiling, I looked up and mouthed, "Thank you." At last I was blessed with a man who loved me, was protective of me, and was a good guy. The icing on the cake was that he was absolutely sexy. It felt good that Ethan believed I was the most beautiful woman ever and never tired of saying so. With Ethan, I was myself and he was himself. We shared our innermost thoughts, fears, and hopes.

I looked down my body with appreciation. Ethan had described me as lithe: slender, supple, and graceful. He boosted my confidence like no one else had done. I was comfortable about my body and knew I would feel no shame getting naked in front of him. I was full and firm in the right places and my figure was outstanding. I had always known that I had a sexy figure but I was never relaxed undressing in front of Dick.

I breathed out a sigh of contentment. I looked forward to allowing Ethan have the pleasure of exploring every part of my body. The mere thought sent delicious warmth all over me. It was time to go ahead with wedding plans.

Victoria was not known for heavy traffic and so Ethan arrived a few minutes after I got to the agreed meeting place on the one-way traffic side street. His black Porsche was the only black car I liked, besides Wrangler or YJ Jeep. He had once joked about getting me a smaller red one for my birthday or as a wedding gift. His eyes had probed mine hinting that he was serious about it.

Ethan found a parking space some metres away from where I was standing and hurried round to open the front passenger door for me to get in. He knew I would open the door myself if I got there before he did. I was gradually getting used to my life with him. Ethan still found time to give me a peck before I got in. I was grinning from ear to ear. As he smiled at me, my heart filled and overflowed with love for him.

He got in but did not start the car. Rather, he turned towards me, his handsome face looking very, very sexy as he continued to smile and look at me. His enchanting blue eyes were fixed on me. There was an element of seriousness in his expression. He understood me and had helped me heal from many an emotional wound. We both knew some of the wounds would take longer to heal and he had made it clear he would be by my side all the way. As he continued to examine my face, I laughed and said, "What?"

He lifted his hand and gently touched my face. "There's something different about you and I like it."

"Tell me more Mr. Shrink Clairvoyant."

He laughed out loud. There was a glint in his eyes. Ethan leaned close and I did same. Our foreheads met and then he used both hands to hold my face. I had always been drawn to his large, neat, masculine hands. I liked him touching me. "The sadness is completely gone from your eyes." He seemed perplexed but happy.

I smiled at him. "I believe I have chased away every real and imaginary dragon in my life. The past is now where it rightly belongs – in the past."

"Michael...."

"He's no longer a part of my life. He was an illusion."

It was like a heavy weight had been lifted off Ethan's shoulders. "I love you so much, Cupcake, and will spend every day of my life proving that to you." He had several endearing names and nicknames for me and I liked all of them. I was special to Ethan – not just in words. He loved the 'complete' me not just the 'good' me. I felt awesomely blessed.

"I love you very much, Ethan, and my love for you increases each day. You're the real deal." I said with deep emotion.

Ethan was not showing as much restrain as he usually did. "You have made me the happiest man alive by being in my life," he said quietly, kissing the top of my nose. I was filled with love for this man who loved me unconditionally and was a man of integrity. After Dick and Michael, I was completely distrustful of men but gradually Ethan had taught me to trust and love again.

I just stared at him now, allowing my love for him to show in my eyes. Although he was extremely good looking, he always made me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to him. And I believed that I was; just as he was my ideal man and even better. We had decided not to have sex outside of marriage and now the phantom was out of my life, I hoped we would get married as soon as possible. Ethan had made it clear it was my call.

Ethan leaned towards me, took my left hand and then kissed the finger with the diamond engagement ring he had given me when he proposed marriage to me.

I looked hungrily at Ethan. "Can we get married within a week? A small ceremony, just as we wanted all along."

Ethan beamed at me. "Sure Babe. Our wedding plans have been in the works since the day I asked you to marry me and you accepted. Perfect timing!"

"Ethan, you're the best thing that ever happened to me and I love you with all my heart."

"I love you too. Come here, sweetie," he said in a husky voice. His eyes were smoldering with passion he held in check. As our lips met in a slow, tender yet passionate kiss, I knew the time of the storm was over for me. We had begun our journey on the never-ending road known as heaven on earth.

-The End -

A NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

Thank you for reading HELLO SOULMATE! If you enjoyed reading this novel, I would greatly appreciate it if you stopped by to write a review on Amazon, Goodreads, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, and other e-readers. Thank you so much in advance for showing this author some love. Many blessings to you!

I look forward to also hearing from you:

Website & blog: http://www.faithbrownonline.com

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Have you read my first novel, OCEAN'S DAUGHTER?

Neona is an island where life and legends are a mix of good and unthinkable evil. Initiated into these legends from childhood, little Ina asked too many questions but over time grew to be a woman who silently questioned the beliefs and customs of her people. Even though she avoided crisis at all costs, her life blazed from one crisis to another. Just when she finally finds reprieve, her sanctuary is broken. On her daughter's fifteenth birthday, Ina discovers an exquisite shell by the sea shore. The same day, a stranger mysteriously arrives on island. Little did she know that this would herald the beginning of a harrowing threat to a secret island life as it had existed for centuries and lead to unprecedented turmoil for her family. Faced with what seems like insurmountable challenges as a mother and grandmother, Ina must make a heart wrenching choice in order to comply with tradition. Consumed by guilt, self-loathing and pain, she transforms into a rebel....

OCEAN'S DAUGHTER is available at fine eBook retailers everywhere.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Faith Anna is the author of Ocean's Daughter and Endless Seasons (available at fine eBook retailers everywhere).

She lives in British Columbia, Canada.

COPYRIGHT INFORMATION

All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise) without the prior permission of the copyright owner.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author`s imagination or are used fictitiously.

The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the internet or via any other means without the permission of the copyright owner is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions, and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy.

Your support of this author is much appreciated.

Copyright 2016 by Faith Anna

Editing & Proofreading Credits:

Manuscript Proofreading: Dawn Johnson

Back Cover Summary Editing: Kelly Michas

