it's all my fault have you told the
statement to yourself at any point of
time do you believe that you are the one
who is primarily responsible for each
and every negative event that happens
which in fact is outside of your control
today I'm going to break down this need
to be in control of every situation in
particular negative situations and how
that in is causing you trouble and how
you can come out of it to live a
peaceful life in self helper today I am
going to break down exactly what you
need to know about personalization one
of the cognitive distortions or thinking
errors that is damaging your life
causing you so much pain because you
want to be in control of everything that
is happening around you this is such an
innate need when we want to feel
responsible for the state of things we
look at this need to be in control
because if things are outside of my
control its chaotic but when I start to
associate my control over the situation
which in fact led to a negative result
and somehow that rationalization makes
things okay because this negative event
is really painful for me now how can I
go about making things better for myself
it's easy I shift it from being out of
control to being in control and by
making this mental shift I defend myself
against the pain of things being out of
control that things are no longer
external to my locus of control and
somehow I feel better because of this
and in reality this is never the case
that's not how things are when in fact
things are likely to be outside of your
control let's take an example now you
look
at you being late for work what do you
have under your control do you have your
daily routine or how quickly you can get
ready and head to work or do you have
the amount of traffic that is unusual
for that particular day under your
control and which leads you to being
late for your job interesting to
consider it because when we look at the
situation sometimes we have a normal
routine things are going about the usual
way and then suddenly we experience this
an event that is beyond our control a
lot of traffic but yet we somehow want
to either externalize the responsibility
which happens to most of us in some
cases or we want to feel personally
responsible because that somehow eases
the pain of being late for work let me
give you another example two children
who have been separated by divorce the
family is no longer functioning well now
this boy who's on one side or this girl
who's on the other side they blame
themselves for the state of their
parents the way they rationalize the
situation is that they look at their
parents and then they realize that hey I
think this is because of me it's because
I don't love my parents enough or some
other issue that they don't love each
other but now associating myself with
the situation somehow makes things
easier this degree of the need to be in
control of the situation is rather
harmful because when you think about it
look at what it's doing to you it's a
desperate need to be in control
it's a conduit for increasing worry it's
something that leads up to you ample
fiying the pain you think you're somehow
reducing the pain but in fact you're
amplifying it in the long run because
your excessive need to be in control of
the situation is blocking you from
engaging with your emotions and this
emotion of feeling anxious or feeling
depressed or feeling sad all of these
emotions are important to be
acknowledged and somehow when we feel
responsible for the situation it makes
dealing with these emotions easier when
in fact we have in some way blocked out
the emotions now here's a healthier way
to react to the situation you need to
acknowledge the fact that you are not
100% in control of everything that
happens around you and everything that
happens to you is not your fault
you don't get selected because of the
situation that is happening with the
sports board for example they are not
taking in new players primarily because
they don't want to have you on the team
they want to fix someone else up someone
who can bribe or somehow make their way
into the team so that they get some gain
a political move so to speak now again
we take responsibility for this it's
because I wasn't good enough it's
because things didn't to work out the
way they were supposed to that's why I'm
here and now if I am responsible for
this particular circumstance somehow
things become easier because in reality
it's never about that it's about your
excessive need to be in control you
don't have to be in control think about
it because when we look at that it's an
irrational thought process what is a
rational thought process is being
realistic about the situation did you
really have any kind of control over the
situation or is it the real state of
things
that is important to consider and be
engaged in this kind of behavior in a
wide variety of situations in our own
lives now it's up to you to decide am I
going to be consistent about this am I
going to consistently either blame
myself for factors or issues that are
outside of my control am I going to
personalize all the negative events that
happen to me or am I going to be
realistic about the situation be
rational about what I'm thinking
and realize that hey maybe it's not my
fault now I have so much under my
control why don't I just focus on that
if you haven't seen my video on how to
stop worrying hit this eye button right
here because it's an important event
that we all go through worrying is so
common yet we fail to acknowledge that
engaging in anxiousness is not
necessarily the best thing for us and
there are better ways to deal with the
anxiousness when it does come about so
go check out that video and build a
better understanding of your worry so
that's more or less what I had to share
with you in this video if you found it
useful make sure you leave it a thumbs
up and tell me what you thought about it
down in the comment section below
remember we are constantly blaming
ourselves for things that are outside of
our control the fuel prices are too high
I am a bad citizen Santa Claus doesn't
love me because I've been a bad boy this
year
that's probably true now so consider all
of these things the things that are
outside of your control let them go
what is under your control take it in
use it to the best of your ability and
get out there and enjoy your life if
this is your first time here make sure
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check out all of my videos down here
cognitive distortions or thinking errors
are a big problem that we face on a
daily basis and getting rid of each and
every one of them is essential this is
Vikram signing off and I'll see you in
the next session
