-Welcome to "The Tonight Show,"
everybody.
Thank you so much for watching.
My name is Jimmy Fallon.
That is The Roots right there.
And welcome to our show. Yeah.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It's interesting.
You guys got a...
-Aw.
-...lot more --
[ Laughter ]
Lot more applause.
That's alright.
We'll fix it in post, right?
[ Laughter ]
[ Recorded cheers and applause
plays, stops abruptly ]
Well --
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to some news.
Guys, a lot of people
are talking
about President Trump's
press conference
in the Rose Garden yesterday.
Things went pretty
off the rails.
If you didn't see it,
here are some highlights.
I'll let you be the judge.
-If we did half the testing,
we'd have half the cases.
If we did another --
You cut that in half,
we'd have yet again
half of that.
So, Joe Bi-- Joe Biden
wants to end school choice,
abolish educational standards,
abolish in the suburbs --
You're going to abolish
the suburbs with this.
Tens of thousands of bridges...
-[ Laughing ] What?!
-...are in disrepair
and on the verge of collapse.
Well, it's probably
not a right number,
but we have bridges
that should have been fixed.
-Yeah. [ As Trump ]
"Ten -- Tens of thousands --
Look, it's probably not
a right number.
Why would I even say a number?
150 million bridges."
[ Normal voice ]
Usually when you see
something like that on TV,
it ends with a voice saying,
"It's time to ask your doctor
if Abilify is right for you."
Seriously, if that were
a wedding toast,
the groom would have wrestled
the mic away after 10 seconds,
like, "What are you
talking about?
Sit down!"
The sun was listening like,
"Hey, don't blame the heat.
This is all him.
I had nothing to do with this."
Normally, when a 74-year-old man
spends an hour yelling
in his garden,
his family's like,
"Time to go look
at some homes for Grandpa."
Look, I'll just say it --
Trump hasn't been the same
since he stopped drink bleach.
Alright? I'm --
[ Babbles indistinctly ]
[ Laughter ]
And instead of
a press conference,
people said it was more like
a campaign rally
in front of 20 people.
In other words,
it was just like Tulsa.
-Ooh.
-Ooh.
-Oh.
-Too soon.
-Oh. Too soon. I stung.
I float like a butterfly
but sting still.
Still -- I still sting --
sting a little bit.
[ Laughter ]
That's the famous slogan.
Fly like a butterfly,
but I still sting
a little bit, though.
Be careful.
-Little bit.
-Just be careful.
Meanwhile, the Biden
campaign responded
and called the press conference
a sad affair.
Trump defended himself,
yelling, "Fake news.
All my affairs have been happy.
[ Crew groans ]
Well, most of them.
Most of them."
I don't know if you guys
have been following this,
but there has been a call
to boycott Goya Foods
after their CEO praised Trump
last week.
So last night, Ivanka Trump
decided to show her support
for the company. And, well,
just take a look at this.
Yeah. Sadly, after Ivanka
tweeted in Spanish,
Trump immediately
had her deported.
-Oh.
[ Laughter ]
-I'm not sure if Ivanka
is trying to promote Goya
or she's auditioning to be a
model on "The Price is Right."
♪♪
"A new car-r-r-r!
A new jet ski!"
"Uh, I live in Kansas."
"You're still going to want
that jet ski."
Trump saw that and was like,
"Why is Ivanka holding
Don Jr.'s inheritance?"
-Ah.
[ Laughter ]
-But it didn't stop there 'cause
after Ivanka's tweet went viral,
Trump tweeted this morning to
also show his support for Goya.
He wrote,
"@GoyaFoods is doing GREAT.
The Radical Left
smear machine backfired,
people are buying like crazy!"
Americans are like, "We're
buying canned food like crazy
'cause we're living
in the apocalypse!
[ Laughter ]
Hello?"
But Trump wasn't done yet,
'cause this afternoon,
he posted this photo
on Instagram.
Take a look.
-Oh.
-[ Laughs ]
-Yeah. Even weirder,
the caption was,
"Great meeting with my cabinet."
What does that mean?
What the hell is happening --
[ Laughter ]
We have a raging pandemic
on our hands,
and he's practicing
for "Supermarket Sweep."
I think those are Trump's
four major food groups --
bags, bottles, cans, and boxes.
[ Laughter ]
Well, at least,
that's one Mexican wall
Trump's managed to build.
[ Crew laughs, groans ]
Is he the president
or a divorced dad
checking out at a Publix?
[ Laughter ]
"Couple cans of beans,
and...I'll have some
chocolate cookies.
Sheila's not coming back."
[ Clears throat ]
Guys, as health officials
are trying to find out
as much as they can
about the virus,
the White House
announced a new way
pandemic data should be handled.
I'm not sure this is the answer.
Listen to this.
-The Trump administration
is ordering hospitals
to send patient data
to Washington, D.C.,
before the actual CDC.
-So remember that next week
when Trump announces
that there are zero new cases.
"You're welcome.
There's no more cases.
Here's the data right here.
Where is my hurricane Sharpie?
There you go. Cross that out.
Zero cases.
I did good. Now bean me."
[ Laughter ]
Some businesses are also
taking their own measures
to help stop the spread
of the virus.
-Walmart will start
requiring masks
for shoppers at all of
its stores starting next Monday.
-Yep, Walmart will require
customers to wear masks,
but they're still
pants-optional.
[ Laughter ]
Also if you try to walk in
without a mask,
prepare to be clotheslined
by a 85-year-old greeter.
"Oh, here comes the thunder.
[ Laughter ]
[ Whack! ]
You broke my arm."
[ Chuckles ]
A spokesman for Walmart was
like, "Listen, this is Walmart.
You should have been wearing
a face mask this entire time.
Come on."
And the virus isn't only
affecting the retail industry.
The entertainment world
is also having to make
some tough decisions.
-"Survivor" will not return
with a new season this fall.
The show was supposed
to shoot in March
but stopped
because of the pandemic.
-Ah, that's my favorite show,
man. That's a bummer.
But honestly, it's fine
considering we're all
pretty much living through
one giant episode of "Survivor."
So for everyone keeping track,
the pandemic is too dangerous
for the Mogi Pucha tribe
to stay on their island,
but it's fine for kids K through
12 to go back to school.
-Oh.
-Aw.
[ Laughter ]
-What you talking about, man?
-Too soon.
-Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
I got to do, like, a physical
bit if the joke tanks.
-Yeah, no. I loved that, man.
-You like that?
That's pretty good?
-Yo, you should do
a physical bit always.
[ Laughter ]
-"Where are you?"
[ Laughter ]
And finally, guys, I heard
that Hallmark just launched
a line of Christmas-themed wines
that are available
for pre-order now.
Huh. Seems a bit early to me.
But I don't know. Check out
this ad Hallmark released.
-We here at Hallmark know you've
been cooped up for a while now.
And that's why
we're already thinking
about bringing you some joy
this holiday.
Hallmark's Christmas wine
is available for pre-order,
so get your bottle t--
-Sold out.
-Oh.
[ Chuckles ] Uh, well, that --
that went fast.
But don't worry.
We're also launching our
brand-new Valentine's Day wine,
available for pre-order --
-Sold out.
-Wow. Really?
Well, good thing there are
plenty of holidays to celebrate,
with our St. Patrick's Day wine.
-Sold out.
-Our Arbor Day wine.
-Sold out.
-Our New Year's Eve 2026 wine.
-Sold out.
-Nope. Good God.
Okay. I think I need a drink.
-Sold out.
-Of course it is.
Hallmark Wines. Just put
your name on the waitlist.
