Rule 3, Make Friends with People Who Want
the Best for You.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking. This
rule is obvious, right? Of course you choose
friends who want the best for you? Not so,
apparently. Rule number three goes right to
the very core of who we are.
The statue of David by Michael Angelo screams
the challenge ‘You could be more than you
are now”! The image represents and ideal
which can be strived for.
If you achieve something really good, it’s
like a Michael Angelo statue to the people
around you. They are forced to think about
how they could make improvements in their
own lives. They have a choice: either rise
to that challenge, or try to lessen it, of
even remove it. The kind of friends you want
are those who will celebrate your successes,
and support your upward aim. They will encourage
and support you when you do good things, and
call you out when you don’t. The kind of
friends you don’t want will ignore, belittle
or even mock your successes. They’ll try
to hold you back because, your improvements
will cast their faults in an even darker light.
Friends that acknowledge your successes and
choose to rise to the same challenges in their
own lives, are aiming upwards, together with
you, in the right direction. These are the
people you need around you, if you yourself
want to grow. Rule 3, simply put, is that
we should be hanging out with people who are
aiming upwards. Unfortunately, many of us
end up befriending those not aiming up, and
that’s a problem because they probably haven’t
got your best interests at heart. Peterson
explains that there are four ways this can
happen:
Maybe you’ve decided to try to RESCUE them.
But, what if they don’t want to improve?
Sure, it’s possible they’ve been terribly
unlucky time and time again. But it’s much
more likely that they’re not trying for
anything better because the path upward is
too much like hard work. Failure is easy.
Vice is easy. It’s a lot easier not to have
to think and care. Just sit back and let things
slide. As things get worse they can blame
their situation on the injustice of the world,
rather than as of evidence of their own inaction.
Maybe they even want you to fail too, they
resent the gap between you both and want to
drag you down with them. Even if they want
to improve, what makes you think you can help?
Are you trying to be a hero out of a deluded
sense superiority? It’s a big enough project
to achieve the things in life which you want
to achieve, without having to take on someone
else. Even if they’re not trying to hold
you back, you might end up getting dragged
down with them all the same. Don’t waste
your time. You’ve got limited resources
which should be focused on yourself instead.
Life’s hard enough already. Instead of trying
to rescue them, lead by example. Go off and
do great things. Wouldn’t that be better
for both of you?
Maybe you’re sticking with your friend because
it makes you appear good. You’re showing
everyone how good you are, while others gave
up on them long ago. Maybe you’re too weak
willed to leave so instead you justify staying
as evidence that you’re a good person. Maybe
because you’re helping someone else, you
you’ve got an excuse to avoid facing, and
overcoming, the hurdles in your own life.
So, you’re both shirking out of responsibility.
Or maybe you’re doing it simply because
you look good next to someone with more problems
than you. Binge drinking doesn’t look as
bad, if you’re standing next to an alcoholic.
Maybe you’re hanging out with guys who don’t
want to improve because you and your friends
have implicitly agreed that life is pointlessness,
and you’re going to watch each other squandering
the chances to grow, but not hold each other
to account for it. You’re going to party
away the nights in alcohol and drug-fueled
debauched revelry, aiming for nothing more,
until it’s all too late to matter anyway.
If there’s no point to anything, then you
don’t have to bear any proper responsibility
to yourself, or to your friends.
Or maybe, after all, you too are one of those
who finds aiming upwards to be too much like
hard work. You’re surrounding yourself with
people who don’t want the best for you because
it’s easier. It means that you won’t have
to face the things which need improvement.
You can just carry on as you are. Surrounding
yourself with people who are aiming upwards
would mean you’d have to be strong and bear
the inevitable sense of inadequacy you’d
surely feel, at least at first. You’d have
to be strong enough to face the challenge
of becoming better.
Friendship has to be reciprocal. You don’t
owe loyalty to those who make the world a
worse place. Better to choose friends who
are aiming upwards. They should be people
whose lives would be improved if your life
was improved.
When you chose your friends, be humble – don’t
assume you can help those who are struggling,
you’ve got enough on your own plate.
Be brave, choose friends who will highlight
your shortcomings and challenge you to improve
– like the statue of David.
When you choose friends, exercise your critical
judgement, and don’t be too compassionate.
Make friends with people who want the best
for you.
