- It was very cool of you
to come here and do this.
Thank you for staying six
feet away at all times.
God, I need a fucking haircut.
(board snaps)
Hello again, America.
It's me, David Taylor,
the CEO of the company
that makes Tide and its
corollary product, Tide PODS.
A couple years ago, I tried
to check in with you all
to explain what I consider
a really vital concept.
Soap is not food.
No part of me, at that time,
could have ever guessed
that that wouldn't have
covered all our bases,
but astoundingly, I'm once
again back to say that
in addition to not being food,
soap is also not medicine.
Not medicine, and it's not food.
Don't eat Tide PODS, don't drink bleach,
and never inject
disinfectants into your body.
No matter what you hear from
anybody, anybody at all,
this is a bad idea, okay?
(bright, acoustic music)
There are many other non-lethal ways
to enjoy the vast array of products
to keep your home clean, fresh,
and most importantly in these
trying times, disease-free.
Take, for example, our new
concentrated dry soap tabs.
Add water to just one of
these capsules to make a...
a whole bottle of hand soap.
Steve, are you there, bud,
can you unmute for a second?
- [Steve] Oh, yeah?
- Hey, these look like aspirin, you know?
They don't look like soap.
There's literally a child proof lid on it.
- [Steve] We didn't want kids to think
that they're food, remember?
- Right, but we also don't want adults
to think that they're medicine.
- [Steve] Well, the president said
that people over the
age of 18 can eat soap.
- What!?
These are trying times for everyone.
And the Tide corporation is here for you.
When you're trapped in your home,
it's important that it
smell fresh and clean.
That's why our heavy-duty
plug-in air fresheners
have more vents than
before to freshen more air
and so we can, whoa.
Sorry guys, we obviously can't
call them ventilaters, right?
Steve?
We obviously can't call them ventilaters.
Do you see that that creates a confusion?
Every hospital in the
country is trying to buy more
ventilators and we're selling
a product called ventilaters.
(broken audio murmurs)
Steven?
Steven!?
(dog barks)
Your audio is not good, have
you plugged in the ethernet,
like I screamed at you to do?
- [Steven] Hey David, there was a lag
on my side, what'd you just say?
- Ah, fuck you.
(inhales sharply) I'm in hell.
In these trying times, I swear
to God I can't say trying times again.
There's gotta be another
way to convey that idea.
- [Steve] What about in these
times, which try people?
- In these times which try people?
Yeah, maybe that'll
work, Steve, great idea.
(bright, acoustic music)
Say see ya later
to loose fibers with the
new Tide De-FIBRE-Later.
No.
The De-FIBRE-Later.
What's happening, what're
we doing here, people!?
This product makes sense and then,
we named it De-FIBRE-Later,
it's literally defibrillator.
- [Steve] Oh no don't worry.
It's not actually a defibrillator.
- I know that, Steven, I know that!
That's literally the problem.
Why is there a doctor holding it!?
- [Steven] It's to honor
our healthcare workers.
- You do not get to pretend
that you're being noble
if you're just doing some random shit.
If I fuckin' jerk off on
the subway, and I say,
"This one's for the troops,"
that doesn't matter!
You have to actually help
people to honor them.
Give them a pay raise.
I can't believe this is happening to me!
Nevermind the new products.
(bright, acoustic music)
They're confusing and bad.
Just buy regular Tide laundry detergent,
because that keeps your clothes clean.
If you're on the go
and you really need it,
you can use a Tide To Go pen.
Right now, all proceeds
from our Tide pens,
this is actually a good thing,
they're actually gonna go
towards funding epidemic relief.
We're calling them, epi-pens!?
Oh, get fucked, no we're not.
This isn't a thing we can do!
Does nobody see an issue with this?
God help us.
Epi-pens.
Why does this have a safety cap
like an epi pen if it's for soap?
- [Steve] So the soap doesn't get out.
- (chuckles aggravatedly) Okay.
Yeah, you're a dead man.
I will break quarantine to find you.
We're gonna get sued
just for the name, alone.
- [Steve] I haven't
passed by legal yet, but--
Why haven't we passed it be legal!?
- [Steve] We're in quarantine.
- [David] This is a repeat
of the Tide POD thing
and I fuckin' clawed
my way outta that shit.
And now, we got got-damn defibrillators?
Explain to me how it is that
I didn't see these designs
until right now.
Oh, Jesus, no one likes
sharing their work over Zoom!
Surgeon generals warning, do not...
eat soap to treat disease.
Do we see how this could
be a fuckin' problem?
Also, I said I wanted normal soap.
I didn't want it named, "normal soap."
- [Steve] I think it
looks better that way.
How do I fix someone's brain?
- [Steve] Soap?
(verbally spazzes)
Now, more than ever, the world needs
the peace of mind that can only come
from the lavender freshness
cleaning injector.
(bright, acoustic music)
This is a syringe.
This is just a syringe,
that's all that this is.
- [Steve] It's for getting
soap in narrow spaces.
- Oh okay, is that why it
comes in this first aid kit?
- [Steve] That's the Swiss flag.
- Why is it a Swiss flag!?
- [Steve] We're honoring our
brethren of the Swiss country.
The coronavirus also
exists in Switzerland.
(muffled rattling)
- Am I Cassandra?
Doomed prophet, alone and
unheeded by the weary world?
I told them the Tide PODS look
like little gooey candies.
And they say, "No," and now, the leader
of the free world wants
us to drink bleach.
Do I drag my carcass to
the mountain top once more
just to scream a warning that
will go unheeded and unheard?
Or do I end it?
This straight up says
Tide Suppositories on it.
(bright, acoustic music)
What possible explanation
could there be for us to make
a product called Tide Suppositories?
What is it?
- [Steve] It's a suppository.
- Why are making suppositories!?
- [Steve] So people can clean their ass.
- So that people can clean their ass?
- [Steve] Well, with
toilet paper supplies--
Shut up.
Shut up.
Weirdly, bizarrely, I actually
follow the logic on this one.
(logos pounds)
It's crazy I'm not in jail.
