

### The Candy Girl Workbook

### 52 Weeks of Support for Giving up Sugar

### By Jill Kelly, PhD

Copyright © 2019 by Jill Kelly

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, mechanical, or digital, including photocopying, recording, taping, or by any information storage retrieval system without the express written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
1. 10 Steps for Getting Started

2. Giving up Dieting and Embracing Abstinence

3. Why We Need a Food Plan

4. Changing Our Relationship with Hunger

5. Taking Charge of Our Food

6. Getting the Support That We Need for the Journey

7. The Wisdom of Learning to Be Uncomfortable

8. Action Is Key to Creating a Sweeter Life

9. Increasing Our Experience of Satisfaction

10. Why a Sweeter Life between Meals Is Good for Our Health

11. Being All-in: Letting Go of Half-Measures

12. Journaling Our Way into a Sweeter Life

13. Reducing Stress by Creating a Supportive Environment

14. Creating a Rest Practice

15. Embracing Exercise as Crucial to Our Recovery

16. Creating Healthier Rituals of Pleasure

17. Getting Quickly Creative in the Kitchen

18. Managing Stress by Letting Go of Drama

19. Building a Dependable Life

20. Getting Engaged in Life and Staying That Way

21. Honesty Is the Only Policy

22. Addressing the Stresses of Money

23. Cultivating a Habit of Speaking up for Ourselves

24. Food Triggers, Food Tripping, and Food Porn

25. Creating Deeper Connections with Others

26. Dealing with Food in the Workplace

27. Giving Ourselves Attention, Not Cookies

28. Handling Stress in the Workplace

29. The Great Value of Finally Growing Up

30. Giving up Busyness: Abstinence and Time Management

31. Choosing Abstinence as a Gift to Ourselves and Others

32. Creating a New Relationship with What We Want

33. Changing Our Speaking May Be as Important as Changing Our Eating

34. Cleaning up the Past: The Danger of Regrets, Resentments, and Secrets

35. 10 Ideas for Taming Our Restlessness

36. The Importance of Dreaming and Imagining

37. Unconditional Friendliness: Recovering Love for Our Bodies

38. Why Shifting Expectations and Entitlement Is Important

39. Nurturing Our Child Self

40. Strengthening the Support from Within Us: Meditation, Reflection, Prayer

41. Being with Food in a New Way: Love and Appreciation

42. Imagining Courageously: Changing the Things We Can

43. Getting Back on Track: When Demon Foods Come Calling

44. Creating Our Way out of Boredom: Creative Self-Expression as Support for Abstinence

45. Doing More of What Inspires Us: Keeping the Meaningful Front and Center

46. Embracing Happiness: Learning to Live without a Big Problem

47. Taking Our Power Back: The Paradox and Possibility of Choice

48. Thriving in Abstinence: Attending to Our Legitimate Needs and Deepest Desires

49. Letting Go of Getting By and Embracing a Richer Life

50. Shifting from Judgment to Curiosity and from Inner Critic to Encouraging Explorer

51. Resources for the Sweeter Life between Meals

52. A Checklist for Creating a Sweeter Life and Freedom from Self-Loathing

### Suggestions for Using This Workbook

The 52 support conversations here are a result of what I've learned in my very long journey with sugar and food addiction, which, most probably, resembles your journey too. I've come to learn in four years of pretty good abstinence from sugar and flour that food is neither the problem nor the enemy. It is a symptom of our restlessness, our unhappiness, our busyness, and our culture's focus on dissatisfaction.

The answer for me has come in slowing down my life, shifting from a focus on the problem (me and my eating) to a focus on the solution (me and a good life). I hope you find some help for your own struggle in these pages.

Like any habit-change programs, the more time and energy you give to considering the ideas and trying out the suggestions, the more likely they will be to help you create lasting peace with food.

I hope you'll write to me (jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com) and keep me posted on your journey.

Best wishes and a big hug, Jill

### 1: 10 STEPS FOR GETTING STARTED

Welcome to a 52-week program that can support you in creating a sweeter life between meals so that you can come to peace with sugar and other trigger foods!

Here are some possibilities to help you get started.

**1. Set a start date for your new life.** I gave myself five days to clean out my kitchen and pantry and eat up the demon foods I still had. I didn't end up eating it all. There was too much. So on the last night, I bagged up what I hadn't eaten or given away and put it in the dumpster. That same day, I shopped for fresh, real food for my food plan (see #5 below). Then the next day, I jumped in. And I have not looked back (more on that later).

**2. Identify the foods that you are letting go of.** For many of us, this is easy. We know only too well which foods are problems and have contributed to our misery. I needed to let go of all sugars and all flours (pulverized grains). These processed "simple" carbohydrates act like a drug in my system. Once I get started on them, I can't stop. Your demon foods may be the same but they may also be different. Make a list of those foods that will not be a part of your new life. More about this in Week 2.

**3. Remove any of the foods from your list above your environment** as **best you can.** If you live alone, you can toss them or give them to a neighbor or a food bank. As I said, you can also eat them all up before you start. Some people also want to treat themselves to a last supper of old favorites. I planned to do this— to go out for pizza—but in the end, I didn't. It just didn't feel like a good idea. Do what most empowers you.

**4. If you live with others,** see if you can negotiate with your housemates or family to keep problem foods in a separate closed cupboard that you don't ever have to open. Similarly, frozen foods like ice cream can be wrapped in brown paper bags in the freezer. You can explain to them that visual cues (seeing the labels and foods) will be hard for you for a while and that you'd appreciate their support in making this change for a healthier you.

**5. Consider what kind of a food plan will be best for your health and any weight loss you hope to accomplish.** If you're like most of us, you have access to a number of good ones, perhaps from your doctor or Overeaters Anonymous or Weight Watchers. The plan I use is a slightly modified version of the Food Addicts Anonymous program. It's described more fully in Week 3 and is available free from http://www.foodaddictsanonymous.org/faa-food-plan.

**6. Be sure your chosen plan is sustainable for the long term**. Most of us find that this means a food plan focused on only real foods: meat, fish, beans, whole grains, vegetables, and fruit. Clearing our bodies of the chemicals that are present in most processed foods is important, especially since many of those chemicals are derived from sugar and flour. More about this in Week 3 as well.

**7. If your plan involves a food scale, like mine does, get one.** I thought I would hate weighing my food, but I've found I like it quite a lot. It feels safe to know exactly how much I'm eating, and it's helped me to learn what a good portion is for me when I'm eating away from home and don't have access to a scale. I have an OXO.com scale that has served me well for a long time, but any digital food scale will do.

**8. Confide your commitment to step into a new life to a close friend.** Remember it's not a new diet that you're embarking on but a change in some of your circumstances and most definitely in your lifestyle. Ask for their support. If you have a close friend with food issues, you might consider asking them to join you.

**9 Weigh and measure yourself before you start.** This may sound like an awful idea. I wasn't too keen on it myself because I carried a lot of shame around my very fat body. But I was glad I did because it helped me chart my progress. So consider doing this. If you don't have a scale at home and don't want one (which is absolutely fine), weigh at a friend's house. If it's a trusted friend, have them measure you. If you can stand it, you might want to strip down to your underwear (or put on a bathing suit) and have your very trusted friend take "before" photos of you. I was amazed after a year at the transformation in my body. I keep my measurements (monthly) in a simple notebook. I track my weight on a free app called Just Weight. What might you use?

**10. Honor any nervousness, fear, or sadness you feel.** This is a big step you're taking. It's okay to feel a little scared, a bit nervous. It'll pass. The last night as I made my final trip to the dumpster, I said a little prayer thanking all those demon foods for their service over the years. I needed their help for a long time, but now I didn't. I felt sad but mostly relieved when I dropped the lid on them.

We'll be delving into some of these ideas in greater depth in the weeks to come but this will get you started.

**Note:** _I suggest you print these pages and put them into a 3-ring binder or file folder. You are welcome to keep an online copy as well but printing them out and handwriting your answers to the questions will have more of an impact on change._

\- What is the start date for your journey?

\- What foods are you going to let go of? Be as specific as you can be here. You can always add more foods to the list but now is a great time to be really honest with yourself about your trigger and demon foods. It's time to thank them and move on.

\- Are there behaviors that you are going to let go of too, like snacking between meals? Write those down here.

\- What healthy food plan seems like your best option? Describe it in some detail to yourself.

\- Who will you confide your journey to? When will you do that? Make an appointment to talk to that person now. Note their name and your appointment date and time here.

\- How might you keep track of your progress?

This first week is an important beginning for your journey. Doing some preparation will make it easier and simpler.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 2: GIVING UP DIETING AND EMBRACING ABSTINENCE

One of the biggest changes I had to make when I embarked on the thinner, sweeter life between meals was moving from **dieting** to **abstinence**.

We all know that dieting involves restricting what and how much we eat until we have reached our weight goal. Then we usually go back to the old way of eating. That works for some people, but for many of us, we just get fat again.

Why? Because a few extra pounds isn't our problem. Our relationship with certain foods and why we eat them is our problem.

Recovery from food addiction, compulsion, or obsession—however we label our difficulty—requires a more permanent solution. We call that solution _abstinence_.

Why I fought abstinence for years

Over the years, I flirted with sugar abstinence several times. I gave up ice cream for three years once, but I upped my consumption of cake, cookies, candy, and doughnuts during those years. Then I gave up refined sugar and wheat for a year, but I found ways to use brown sugar and honey and nut flours to make scrumptious treats. You get the picture. Each time I lost some weight and then ended up fatter. The problem was that I always had a way out, a back door.

And the truth was I didn't want to face the fact that I was addicted to food. I already had one addiction (alcohol) and I had been in recovery for many years from that, and that seemed like plenty. So I kept hoping I could learn to eat sugar and flour products in moderation. I experimented and fooled around and kept hoping, all to no avail.

Finally I had to surrender. I had to admit that I am a sugar and food addict. The only way for me to get my body right-sized again and keep it that way, the only way for me to free myself from the guilt and self-loathing of binge eating, is to abstain from my trigger foods and figure out how to stop medicating myself with those foods.

What abstinence means to me now

When we are abstinent, we refrain from problem foods or problem eating behaviors permanently. We just don't eat them anymore. Why? Because we have proven to ourselves that we cannot do that in moderation. We have tried and tried and failed and failed.

When we come to our senses and accept the problem for what it is—an addiction, a compulsion, an obsession—we can see that abstinence, rather than being a punishment, is actually our salvation. Abstinence is a way to our deeper yes and a sweeter life.

However, unlike the recovering alcoholic or drug addict, our abstinence is not simple. There is no one-size fits all, no single substance to avoid. Each of us must figure out our demon foods and develop a plan of abstinence that works for us and that we can commit to for our greater good.

We also can't abstain from all foods, of course, but we can abstain from certain foods or from certain categories of foods, those that are the most troublesome for us.

Most likely, you already know what you need to abstain from

Most of us who are veterans of the diet and food wars know what our trigger foods are, those foods we can't stop eating once we start. We know that sweet fat foods or salty fat foods or both are our preference. We've used them for years to get numb, to medicate our feelings and relieve our stresses. In order to recover from that dependence, we have to let them go.

My own abstinence includes two food categories and two behaviors.

\- I abstain from all sugars (including honey, maple syrup, artificial sweeteners, etc.).

\- I also abstain from all flours (wheat, rice flour, potato starch, corn meal)—any pulverized grains.

\- I abstain from snacking between meals. Snacking is a problem for me because I am not able to eat a small snack. Once I start eating, I want to keep on eating and I've suddenly had another meal.

\- I abstain from overeating because it adds unnecessary weight and taxes my digestion and keeps me fooling around with food.

I didn't arrive at this quartet of abstinence on my own although it makes good sense to me. I found this program at Bright Line Eating and it has worked well for me.

Here are some ways to start defining abstinence for yourself.

\- Make a list of foods that you have proven to yourself you can't eat in moderation.

\- Next, figure out what these foods have in common. Do they have common ingredients, like sugar and flour? Are they prepared in similar ways, like deep fried or heavily salted?

\- Make a second list of foods that you know are not nutritious or helpful but that you eat a lot of. My list of these includes potato chips and dips and buttered popcorn. While they don't have flour and sugar, I can't eat these in moderation either.

\- Consider whether you need to abstain from any food-related behaviors on your abstinence plan. As I said above, I no longer snack, even on healthy foods. Choosing to abstain from this also cuts out a host of other eating behaviors for me: night-time eating, eating in the car, accepting samples at stores, etc. Are there any food-related behaviors that you need to abstain from to find and maintain freedom from compulsion around food?

Does the thought of giving up coffee, chocolate, and diet soda make you nervous? Some foods are highly addictive to many people on their own. Chocolate is one of these and so is coffee. Diet soda is addictive to many of us. Even people who aren't addicted to food in general may have difficulty not relying on these foods, which act as stimulants and relaxants in our bodies.

You may also need to consider your relationship with alcohol if you are a sugar addict. I gave up drinking alcohol several decades ago because it had become a major obstacle in my life and I knew I was addicted. I didn't realize then that my addiction to sugar and refined carbohydrates like flour was related to my alcoholism. But all alcohol is fermented sugar (wine is fermented grapes, of course; whiskeys are fermented grains; beer is fermented hops; and other liquors are fermented from fruit or potatoes, like vodka).

My body doesn't process sugars in a healthy way (in a very real sense, I am allergic to it). And because I have made a lifelong habit of soothing myself with food, I am also dependent on the numbing properties of sugar and food. A double whammy: an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind.

Not all food and sugar addicts are alcoholics by any means. But alcohol's ability to lower our inhibitions (recreational drugs have the same ability) can send us back to consuming our trigger foods. So you may want to consider adding alcohol to the list of foods you abstain from.

Another category of addictive foods are highly processed foods, foods in which the natural ingredients have been processed and manipulated into another form. They often contain chemicals to give them a long shelf life, and most of them contain sugar in one of its many, many forms. Many of these foods have been engineered to be hyper-palatable, in other words, to taste so good that you get hooked on them—to the profit of the restaurant owner or food manufacturer. Most snacks are highly processed (think Cheetos or snack cakes or doughnuts).

Make your abstinence plan simple

Over the years, I've abstained from individual foods, certain kinds of demon foods. I once had a whole list of things I didn't eat. I've had much more success with a simpler plan: no sugars, no flours, no snacks. This also eliminates nearly every processed food for me except salad dressings low in sugar and a few canned vegetables.

Having a simple plan like the one I follow (which you'll find out more about in Week 3) is helpful in another way. It's easy to explain to others why I eat what I do, and it's easy to remember when I am eating out.

1. What foods do you need to abstain from? You may want to create two lists: those foods you are addicted to and those foods that are sure weight-gainers, if losing weight is a goal for you. Remember to keep your list simple (categories of foods work better than specific items).

2. Make a list of any food behaviors you want to abstain from (such as snacking, overeating, eating in front of the TV, eating in the car).

3. From your lists in #1 and 2, write out a simple abstinence plan. (Here again is my plan: no sugars, no flours, no snacks, no overeating.)

4. Who could you share your plan with? How would you feel about doing so? Write your thoughts here.

5. What kind of visual reminder could you create to keep your abstinence plan in mind? Where could you post it?

Remember: Abstinence is a tool, not a punishment. It helps us get what we want: a thinner, healthier body with the energy and cheerfulness for a sweeter life between meals.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 3: WHY WE NEED A FOOD PLAN

If abstinence is what we don't eat anymore, isn't our food plan just eating everything else? Perhaps, but that depends on what you want.

Here's what many of us in food addiction recovery want:

\- To be free of compulsion and obsession and cravings around food

\- To be free of self-loathing, guilt, shame, fear, and worry

\- To lose weight

\- To not be sick or in pain

\- To be healthier

\- To have peace with food

\- To be happier

If our goal is only the first item—freedom from compulsion, obsession, and cravings— we probably can just ate anything and everything that isn't on our abstinence plan. However, if we want any of the others—I, for one, want them all—we're going to need to be more selective.

Few of us lack information about what makes a healthy food plan. One thing chronic dieters have in common is a surprisingly detailed and helpful amount of knowledge about foods and nutrition. Now we have a chance to put that into good use in the service of our deeper yes.

We also know that since we're making permanent changes in how we eat, the ridiculous (like grapefruit and spinach three meals a day) is not going to be helpful. We need a food plan that will satisfy us, interest us, and sustain us for the long haul. We also want to feel so much better eating this way that we won't be tempted to slide back into feeding our mouths rather than feeding our bodies.

What do we eat then?

We eat healthy food. Meat, fish, beans, whole grains and nuts and seeds (unless they are a trigger for us), fruits, dairy, vegetables. Real food. Meal food.

Some of us may have allergies to take into consideration. Dairy and soy products are common allergies. So are sugar and wheat but if we've eliminated them, we've got no worry on that score. We attend to any such limitations, but that leaves us plenty of great things to eat.

What I eat

There are many good food plans. You can modify the Mediterranean plan or a diabetic plan or a plan from your doctor, for example. My food plan came to me from Bright Line Eating and is based on the food plan of Food Addicts Anonymous, which is available at http://www.foodaddictsanonymous.org/faa-food-plan. As you can see, I eat some protein at each meal, fruit twice a day, and what I affectionately call a "crap ton" of vegetables.

Breakfast:

4 oz. protein

4 oz. grains (potato, rice, shredded wheat, or

oatmeal) 6 oz. fruit

Lunch:

4 oz. protein

6 oz. vegetables/salad

6 oz. fruit

Small amount of fat or nuts/nut butter

Dinner:

4 oz. protein

6 oz. vegetables

8 oz. salad

Small amount of fat or nuts/nut butter

Beverages: Water, sparkling water, herbal tea, decaf tea, water with lemon, lime, or orange slices in it

A breakfast for me might be oatmeal, yogurt, berries, and almonds. Or it might be hash browns, two eggs, and pineapple. Lunch might be ham, sauerkraut, cucumber slices and an apple. Or it might be a big salad with steak and a pear. Dinner might be a big bowl of bean soup with cheese and a side of coleslaw or it might be roast chicken with roasted veggies and steamed spinach.

I don't seem to run out of combinations or ideas. I don't like to cook but I still eat great.

How much you eat will depend on your desire to lose weight or not. We'll talk about weight loss in a later week. But the plan above is a basic healthy plan of eating that gives us nutrient-dense foods that can satisfy us between meals and help us lose weight and stay abstinent.

Stick with this for a while and your tastes will change

You may be thinking _I hate vegetables. I can't eat like this, not forever._ But you will find that you can. And you will most likely find that you really enjoy it. Here's why.

When we eat a lot of fat, sugar, and flour, many of our taste buds go dormant because there's nothing for them to do. Only the fat and sugar taste buds stay active and even many of them die off. But when we stop eating those things, all of our taste buds come back to life and we can distinguish nuances in tastes that are amazing, like the differences between two kinds of apples or between different lettuces. After a few weeks, everything starts to be delicious. Herbs and spices become meaningful again.

In addition, we begin to feel so much better. Sugar is a depressant. That's why we medicate with it. It numbs us out, slows us down. When our systems get clean of sugar, our energy and our moods usually begin to soar. It's a wonderful experience and it supports us in continuing to eat well.

1. How many of the _wants_ listed at the top of this week's discussion resonate with you? Are there other wants you would add to the list?

2. How do you feel about moving to a healthy food plan? All kinds of emotions may come up for you. Anger, grief, frustration, sadness, but also relief and maybe even a little excitement. Write about those feelings here. Can you also share those feelings with a trusted friend?

3. How might a food plan like the one I follow serve you in recovering from food addiction?

4. What foods that you already enjoy could be part of your plan?

5. What foods might you be willing to try that you don't regularly eat now?

Most of us have been winging it with food for a long time, eating pretty much whatever we want. To move solidly into recovery from food and sugar addiction, that has to change. We've looked at what we can choose to be eating. Now let's look at some of the _how_ of our food plan.

Structure is a key component of a sweeter life between meals. For example, we move from asking ourselves "what do I feel like eating" to asking "what's best for me to eat for my body and my life?"

We also want to put food in a much less prominent place in our lives, and having an abstinence plan and a specific food plan for each day is a really helpful way to do that.

\- Food addiction recovery programs recommend three or four meals a day. More than this and we're back to grazing and snacking. Some of my food buddies divide up the ounces of protein, veggies, and fruit between four meals rather than three as I do. Because weight loss is important to me right now, I eat three meals a day so my body will burn fat between meals.

\- Because I've had really serious weight to lose (120 pounds of loss is my goal), I've also paid attention to the timing of my meals. I set my daily meal schedule (depending on what appointments I have) so that I have 4-5 hours between breakfast and lunch and dinner.

\- Some people prefer to do what is called _intermittent fasting_. They eat all three meals within an 8-hour timeframe, like 10-2-6 or 8-12-4 and then don't eat from dinner until breakfast.

\- My food plan also calls for figuring out my next day's meals right after dinner. I check out what's in the fridge and what's on my calendar to see if I'm eating a meal out. I write down my breakfast, lunch, and dinner choices for the next day in a little notebook I keep on top of the microwave.

\- If I'm eating out, I check an online menu and choose as best I can from what's offered.

\- Planning our meals in advance keeps us from winging it; instead, we make decisions—on a full stomach—of what would be a tasty and healthy plan for the next day.

\- Preplanning our meals reduces the number of food choices we make in a day, something that can use up a lot of energy. Here's an interesting fact: A study in a New York university showed that college students averaged 173 food choices each day! From where, what, and how much to second helpings, tastes, snacks, condiments, cream in coffee, the list went on and on. In recovery, we make that much simpler by choosing and then eating what we've already committed to.

\- Be sure your food plan is sustainable. While some diets, like Atkins and Paleo, may promise faster weight loss, are you willing to eat that way for the rest of your life? My food plan is so satisfying and makes me feel so good that I can say yes to any question of sustainability. Be sure your plan is something you can say yes to for the long term.

1. If need be, research and compare several healthy food plans (with good amounts of clean protein, vegetables, and fruit). Summarize your ideas here.

2. Using the plan below as a template, write a simple food plan for yourself.

Breakfast:

Lunch:

Dinner:

Beverages:

I'd love to hear how you're doing. Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comand let's connect.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 4: CHANGING OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH HUNGER

Fear of hunger kept me enslaved for a long time. I stayed fat for many years because I couldn't bear the idea of not eating when I was hungry. And over the course of some of those years, I moved from three meals a day and a snack in the afternoon to eating every hour or so. It was a great way to pile on the weight.

I also stopped asking myself if I was hungry and started asking myself if I had any room. My sugar and flour cravings didn't stay satisfied very long, and I ate constantly to try to keep them at bay, sometimes getting up during the night to eat.

When I found the courage to change, I had to let go of this fear and this habit. I had to change my relationship with hunger.

When we are in a right relationship with food, hunger is a helpful physical signal that our body needs fuel. When we are self-medicating with food, our anxiety, boredom, restlessness, sadness, loneliness, anger—any emotion we don't want to deal with— masks itself as hunger. So it can take some practice to recognize the real physical hunger from the emotional trigger that demands that we soothe ourselves with food. If we are sure it's the first impulse, true physiological hunger, we can consider eating our next meal, depending on our food plan. If it's the second, an emotional impulse, we have to look elsewhere for relief.

Here are some ways that help:

1. We stick to our food plan.

As we saw last week, having a good food plan is an essential part of our recovery program. Abstinence from certain foods is a great first step, but we also have to figure out what we _are_ going to eat. In addition, it's critical for those of us who are chronic overeaters to figure out _how much_ we are going to eat and _when_ we are going to eat it.

Having a specific plan for meals (and snacks if that's on your plan) creates a structure that supports our saying no to emotional impulses and cravings. I eat three meals a day, spaced about five hours apart. That's it. I don't eat at other times, no matter how much I want to or how I'm feeling. Will that change sometime down the road? Maybe but I'm not planning on it. Recovery from disordered eating is a process, not a cure.

2. We accept that hunger is a part of life.

Most people get hungry between meals. It's natural. It's normal. It's not a punishment. We also know that we will not starve between meals. This may sound like a joke, but it isn't. Hunger can cause a panicky feeling in some of us, so we may have to remind ourselves that we will be okay until the next meal. Kindness, gentleness, and compassion are essential tools for treating ourselves well. We can remind ourselves that we may be uncomfortable, that we may be distracted by the physical symptoms of hunger, but we are not in danger.

We also learn that hunger will pass. It usually returns after a while—our body signaling again the need for fuel, but it isn't a constant distraction as I was afraid it would be.

3. We acknowledge that under-eating is the key to weight loss.

It was immensely helpful for me to learn that when I don't respond to my body's hunger signals, my body will turn to my stored fat to satisfy its need for fuel. On the weight loss version of my food plan, I start getting hungry about 3.5 hours after I eat. My next meal doesn't come for another 90 minutes, which means my body burns fat for those 90 minutes. This is a good thing. I want my body to burn stored fat. That's how I'm losing weight.

Knowing that this hunger is useful for reaching my goal of a right-sized body makes the discomfort less problematic for me. It's also useful for me to know that if it's been _less_ than 3.5 hours since my last meal, the "hunger" I'm feeling is probably not physical but rather emotional and I don't need to eat over those emotions.

4. We turn to other activities to soothe ourselves.

One of the most crucial pieces of our recovery from our problematic relationship with food is creating alternative things to do when we're in distress, whether that distress is physical from hunger or emotional from cravings or upset. Our quest for the sweeter life between meals is not something we can afford to delay.

We can leave this to chance—"I'll figure out something when the time comes"—but we can take care of ourselves more proactively by having some go-to plans that can help us get through the hunger.

1. Drink a big glass of water or sparkling water. Add lemon or lime juice if you like. Sometimes thirst masquerades in us as hunger. You may have heard this a dozen times, but it's true and it helps. In fact, drinking more water all day long (half a glass an hour is a good goal) will help assuage hunger and cravings.

2. Sip a cup of warm herbal tea. This is particularly helpful for me when my stomach feels "off" and I want to put something in it to make it feel better. Caffeinated tea and coffee aren't helpful, I've found. They just ratchet up my anxiety.

3. Text your recovery buddy or confidante (the one you told about your decision to change) and say that you're struggling, that you're hungry, that you're committed to getting through it. Don't hesitate to reach out. Just do it.

4. Get busy. Whether we're at work or at home, we can dive into a project that will take some concentration. The hunger may still chatter at us, but if we keep shifting our focus to the work, our hunger will quiet down. What's more, we'll have a chance to feel productive as well as in integrity with our commitment to recovery.

5. Get moving. Go out and walk around the block. Go up and down the stairs several times. Put on a favorite disco tune and dance. Just move for five or ten minutes.

6. Lie down on the floor for five minutes. We are conditioned to relax when we are lying prone. Close your office door and lie down for five minutes. Think about what you really want. When I do this, I repeat to myself: "I want to be free. I want to be free. I want to be free."

7. Talk to yourself. Remind yourself that food is only one solution and seldom is it the best solution.

8. Most important of all, keep in mind what you really want. Take out your list (see Wee 2) and read it to yourself when the hunger strikes.

1. What might it take for you to stick to your abstinence and food plan no matter what?

2. What can you say to yourself in encouragement?

3. Whom can you ask to support you in sticking to your plan?

4. Which of the practices above are you willing to try?

5. How will you remember them when hunger feels overwhelming?

It took me a few weeks to get used to not eating any time I felt like it. I was really hungry some of that time. Did I die? Obviously not. Did I suffer? No. It was uncomfortable. But all the benefits of right eating have been so worth that temporary discomfort: Big weight loss. Better health. Better mood. No more shame, guilt, self- loathing. And remember, the under-eating doesn't last forever. When we get to our goal weight, we eat more.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 5: TAKING CHARGE OF OUR FOOD

I hate to admit it but when I'm active in my food addiction, the food runs the show. I spend a lot of time getting it, consuming it, thinking about it, worrying about it, hiding it, pretending I don't have a problem. When I am solidly in recovery, most of that disappears. I still think about food of course. I plan, I shop, I cook, but I don't obsess. How is this possible? I take charge of my food.

Being in charge of our food sounds like a no-brainer. But for those of us with compulsive relationships with certain foods or kinds of foods, we don't have much freedom when we are eating them. We can't say no. We can't stop eating them. Some of us eat healthy meals and then binge on sweets or salty foods. Some of us skip the healthy meals and just eat the demon foods. We spend a lot of money on them. We spend a lot of time being sure we have enough.

1. How does food run the show in your life? Give an example or two in your journal.

2. How much time do food-related behaviors take of your day (thinking, eating, cleaning up, shopping, hiding, pretending, etc.)?

3. What might being in charge of your food look like in your life? Are you ready to make those changes?

What Taking Charge Looks Like for Me

I dieted off and on for decades. I'm blessed with a body that will shed pounds if I restrict my intake of food so I could lose weight but I couldn't keep it off because I couldn't take charge of my food. In fact, I had no idea that that was the problem. It wasn't until I switched to a program of 3 meals a day and no snacks that I began to get a clue.

I eat 3 meals a day.

In my addiction, I ate three meals a day and snacked a good part of the time. It wasn't unusual for me to eat breakfast at 7 and eat a second breakfast at 10. Then I'd have a big lunch and start snacking in the late afternoon until dinner and then keep eating until I went to bed. Now I eat 3 meals a day. Period.

I schedule my food each day.

Since I work for myself, my daily schedule varies quite a bit and while I only eat three meals each day, I fit the timing of those meals around my schedule. I usually do this the night before though sometimes I do it first thing in the morning. If I have a date for a meal with someone, say lunch at 1 pm, then that dictates the times of the other two meals. In this case, I'll aim for breakfast between 8 and 8:30 and dinner between 6 and 6:30.

I don't eat snacks or BLTs.

I don't eat between meals anymore. I just don't. Most of the extra weight I carried for so long did not come from humongous meals. It came from eating all day. Now if I get hungry, I get busy and do something else. If I wander into the kitchen at a non-meal time and find myself standing in front of the refrigerator with the door open, I close it and go away.

I also don't do bites, licks, or tastes (BLTs). I don't sample when I'm cooking; I don't accept food samples at the grocery store. I don't carry food in my car or my purse anymore unless I'm bringing groceries home from the store or transporting my meal to another location.

1. What is your relationship with meals and snacks? How does your addiction play out here?

2. Do you feel panicky if you don't have food available at all times? What would it take to trust that three meals are enough?

We Can Commit Our Food

In Bright Line Eating, I learned to commit my food every night. This means I plan out my meals for the next day. I go to the refrigerator, check out what's there, consider what I'd like to have, and write it down. If I'm going to eat out the next day, I check the online menu of the restaurant and decide what I'm going to have right then, not when I get to the restaurant.

My choices are dictated by the food plan I subscribe to (available from www.ffa.org):

Breakfast: safe starch (for me, potatoes or sweet potatoes or oatmeal), protein, fruit

Lunch: protein, veggies, fruit

Dinner: protein, veggies, salad

I have five standard breakfasts that I eat and I eat them in a loose rotation so I don't get bored. I often have veggie soup for lunch, and dinner is usually some kind of meat or fish, cooked veggies, and salad or raw veggies. There's a lot of variety in my meals but they fit this plan.

The next day, I eat what I wrote down. I don't make other choices unless the food has spoiled or there isn't enough of something, like leftover chicken or only one slice of cheese). But most of that is predictable if I plan ahead.

We Can Weigh Our Food

About 90% of the time, I weigh my food. Many successful recovering food addicts weigh 100% of the time, taking a miniature scale with them into restaurants. So far I haven't needed that level of vigilance to maintain my weight loss, but I'm not opposed to doing whatever it takes. Weighing my food is another structure that I find comforting and it helps me stay in charge of my food.

When I eat out, I have learned what is safe to order (burger with lettuce instead of a bun), salad, and a side of veggies or a big salad with chicken or steak and dressing on the side. I don't eat out all that often anymore as I feel happier (and safer) eating at home.

We Can Reduce Our Decisions about Food

The whole point behind committing our food and weighing it is to reduce the number of decisions I make about food each day. In active addiction, I was making dozens and dozens of food decisions every day. How much to eat, what to eat, where to eat. Can I have more? Can I have another piece? Am I hungry? And I ate a lot of my food only semi-consciously. I had a drawer of snack bars and candy in the kitchen and I would make frequent trips for "another" and not even realize what I was doing. One snack bar would turn into six. A handful of chips would turn into two big bags.

All those decisions are stressful. So was pretending that I was in control when I clearly wasn't. Now I am in control of my food. It isn't rigid but it's structured, and we addicts do well with structure.

1. What structures might be helpful for putting you in charge of your food?

2. Can you find a way to see such structures as liberating rather than confining?

3. If you feel resistance about committing your food, write about that. What's under that resistance? For most of us, it's fear. What are you most afraid will happen if you structure your food in some way?

Taking these ideas a step further

If you're willing to try a structured eating plan, what would it look like?

Number of meals:

Number of snacks:

Timing of meals:

Timing of snacks:

Weighing food?

Food plan:

Taking charge of our food is empowering. It's one of the most empowering things we can do as food addicts. It's a wonderful step towards a sweeter life and peace with food.

Need coaching from someone who's been there? Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comabout phone or email coaching.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 6: GETTING THE SUPPORT THAT WE NEED FOR THE JOURNEY

When we suffer from food addiction or compulsion, especially if there is substantial weight gain, we can experience a great deal of shame and self-loathing. We compare ourselves with others who don't appear to have problems with food. Why can't we just stop eating sugar and flour and fat? Why can't we control our appetite when others seem to do so with such ease? We look in the mirror and hate what we see or we don't look in the mirror at all because we are ashamed.

Because of these feelings, most of us keep our struggles to ourselves. We don't talk about our frustration at our inability to stop eating this way. We don't share our fear of the damage we may be doing to our health. We don't tell a friend about our panic at the thought of giving up these habits that are not serving us and get into recovery.

At the same time, addiction and compulsion, whether WITH food or drugs or alcohol, are almost impossible to escape without help. We need the sympathy and understanding of those closest to us as we move through the needed changes. Most of all, we need the empathy and wisdom of others who have done it successfully.

1. How have you hidden your concerns about your eating from friends and family?

2. How have your secrets served you? How have they harmed you?

3. Describe an experience in which you ate in secret and felt ashamed about it.

4. Write a few sentences about your relationship with the mirror.

Sharing Our Secret

The accepted first step to recovery is admitting the problem, both to ourselves and to someone else. That's why AA and OA groups open with introductions and self-identification. "Hello, my name is Jill and I'm a sugar addict." We share that secret we've been harboring, often for years.

12-Step groups are a very safe place to do this. These groups have no agenda other than recovery from addiction. Members don't care about your occupation, your sexual orientation, your financial status, your education. They only want you to recover from what you perceive is a serious problem in your life. Many people find it easier to admit their problem in a room of anonymous strangers, and I've never been to a 12-Step meeting that wasn't warm and welcoming.

It is also a good idea to share your secret with a trusted friend, someone who only wants the best for you. Again, many of us find it easiest to do this with someone we know who shares the problem, perhaps someone you have dieted with or exercised with in the past. Note that this person doesn't have to be ready to quit doing what they're doing just because you're ready. But if they have the problem, they will understand your issue in a way that someone who is in denial or who has no food issues won't.

There also may be acquaintances in your life (someone at work or church or in a group with you) that you know has food issues. You can share your secret with them.

**A word about our family:** Chances are excellent that your spouse or family already knows that you have a problem with food. They may have watched you diet unsuccessfully over the years. They may have heard you swear off chocolate or ice cream or corn chips again and again only to watch you relapse. They may be skeptical about your decision to try again. The old adage, _talk is cheap_ , comes to mind. They will be more persuaded of your sincerity when they can see it in action so I suggest telling someone outside your immediate family, at least to begin with.

Dealing with Our Fear of Commitment

You may be thinking, _Okay, I can tell my friend Susan, but if I do, then I have to stop [bingeing, overeating, medicating with food]._ Well, yes and no.

Yes, you can share your secret in order to step across the threshold of a thinner, sweeter life, to jumpstart your new relationship with food. That's the best use of sharing your secret. First, we come to our own acceptance of the problem; then we declare our willingness to resolve it once and for all.

But you can also share your secret even if you're not quite ready to change. Telling someone else of your suffering can be a first step in preparing to make those changes. Secrets that involve shame and self-loathing are never helpful to us in the long run. Letting someone know you are suffering can make all the difference in choosing another path.

Sharing Our Secret Is Not Asking for Advice

It's a good idea to forestall our listener's attempt to fix us. When we share something as intimate and painful as our struggle with food, which for many of us is a very old struggle, the last thing we want is to for the listener to tell us what to do. So we have to find courage for two things: to tell the truth and ask for exactly what we need:

Thanks for taking time to talk with me, Ann. I have a problem that I'm struggling with and I need someone who can really listen to me. I'm not looking for advice right now, just a compassionate friend. Thanks in advance for being that friend.

1. Can you think of someone that you could share your secret with? Write a few sentences about your trust in this person and why they would be a good choice.

2. What are you willing to share in order to move yourself forward into a new life?

3. If you're not ready to commit to a new life, how much more "research" do you need to do?

Choosing a Group to Share with

As mentioned above, 12-Step groups are a safe place to share your secrets and your struggle with food. These groups are founded on a basic set of principles and suggestions for recovery from addiction. No one is in charge, everyone is welcome who has a desire to change, and there is no cost. Most towns and cities have multiple groups that meet in the early morning, noon, and evening (you can find a group near you by going on line to OA.org or FAA.org). Overeaters Anonymous is a very loosely structured group that welcomes anyone with a problem with food. Food Addicts Anonymous is a much more structured program focused on abstaining from sugar, flour, and overeating; it is the basis of the program I follow.

12-Step groups don't permit members to advise other members during meetings or to comment on what is shared. However, members who've been around a while may volunteer to work with newer members who request assistance. The 12 Steps themselves are a set of suggestions for recovery but they are not requirements. 12- Step programs have been successfully keeping people away from drugs, alcohol, overeating, sugar and flour, and gambling and other addictive behaviors for over 80 years.

A local 12-Step group is a very safe place to share your struggle, hear wisdom from others with stories like yours who have found a solution that works, and to find your own way into recovery.

12-Steps vs. Commercial Groups

Americans spend billions of dollars on dieting every year. Some of the commercial groups are quite successful in helping people lose weight, most notably Weight Watchers. But few of them are equipped to help us with the emotional reasons that lead us to self-medicate. They are geared toward success, and in my experience, there is little room for discussion of shame and self-loathing. In addition, these programs don't address addiction to sugar and flour. In fact their food items contain these substances, albeit in low-calorie products. So while weight loss is possible with these groups, recovery from addiction and compulsion may not be.

One commercial program does address recovery from food addiction: Bright Line Eating (www.brightlineeating.com). This was the solution for me and I recommend it. I learned what I needed to know to let go and move forward putting food into its proper place. Check it out and see if it's for you.

12 Step Books

Two 12-Step publications have been very helpful for me in my recovery from addiction to sugar, flour, and snacking: _Abstinence: OA Members Share Their Experience, Strength, and Hope_ and the "green" book of Food Addicts Anonymous. Both volumes helped me see how many people struggle with food in the same way I do and they have found a way out. These books are available online from amazon and other booksellers and at 12-Step meetings.

1. What commercial weight loss programs have you tried? What success did you have? Did you make any life changes during that time?

2. Do you know anyone who has had success in a 12-Step program? Would you be willing to talk to them about their experience?

3. Have you had previous 12-Step experience of your own with another addiction or with food? How do you feel about experimenting with that support for this addiction?

4. What books on food addiction have you read? If one was helpful, might it help you to read or consult it again?

Each of us gets to decide what kind of support we need, but we all need others to help us on this journey. Here's to finding all the support we need for long-term abstinence.

I'd love to hear how you're doing. Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com and let's connect.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 7: THE WISDOM OF LEARNING TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE

I've been thinking a lot about discomfort and the role it has played in my addiction. I began eating candy and other refined carbs, like toast, doughnuts, and cookies, to numb out feelings of boredom, restlessness, anxiety, uncertainty, unhappiness. I started doing this about age 9. In my family, it wasn't okay to express these feelings or talk about them. We kept everything to ourselves. I continued to do this for nearly 60 years, ingesting something in an effort to medicating any emotional discomfort.

I think this intolerance for discomfort is at the heart of most addiction. For some of us, it starts with an early trauma. It did for me. The winter I was 9, my family fell into some unusual circumstances and as a consequence, I developed what I know now was PTSD. (I talk about this at some length in my memoir, _Sober Truths: The Making of an Honest Woman_.) I was never able to talk about this with my parents or grandparents. I just suffered emotionally for a long, long time. Candy and other foods saved my sanity.

For many of us, our addictive behaviors don't start out as a lark. They are our way of finding help for a real need. Then we get hooked and keep doing them.

1. What were your early experiences with discomfort?

2. How was that discomfort handled in your family?

3. Did those experiences help create your addiction? If so, how?

The longer I stay in recovery from sugar, flour, snacks, and overeating, the more convinced I become that shifting my relationship with discomfort is a critical piece of the puzzle. I've seen friends and acquaintances in recovery relapse, not from major life events (serious illness, death of a loved one, job loss) but from boredom, restlessness, frustration, apathy, or disappointment. I don't want to be one of those people and I don't want you to be one either.

So I'm working to develop what I call my mental and emotional _TFD muscle_ (Tolerance for Discomfort). Like many recovery processes, this is pretty simple but not all that easy. Why? Because it requires us to modify our behaviors, develop new habits, and let go of our well-grooved reactions.

In his book _Becoming Perfectly Yourself_ , one of my favorite teachers, Matthew Kelly, talks about the important difference between _reacting_ and _responding_. When we react to something, there's little or no time between the event and our reaction. In many cases, this is a good thing. We touch something hot with our hand and immediately pull it away. We see an object on the road in front of our car and react quickly to keep ourselves and our passengers safe. Someone smiles at us and we smile back without giving it any thought.

But addicts in discomfort have learned to extend this immediate reaction in ways that aren't helpful. We feel a little discomfort—or a lot—and we immediately want to fix it. The truth is we've made a habit of fixing it right away. That habit is deeply worn in to our brains and so recovery requires us to develop a new habit and create another deep groove (what's called _a neural pathway_ ) in our brains, one of responding to discomfort by doing something different or doing nothing at all.

Responding inserts time and thought between the event and our response. Responding involves choice.

1. What is your current relationship with discomfort? What are your standard methods for soothing that discomfort? Which of those methods feel healthy to you and which don't?

2. How do _react_ and _respond_ play out in your life? Write about a couple of examples of each that seem typical.

Okay, so how am I developing my TFD muscle? So far, I've found three ways that are helping me to be more comfortable with discomfort.

Doing nothing.

That's right. I am practicing doing nothing. A couple of times a day, I put on my smartphone timer for five minutes and sit and do nothing. I'm not meditating. I'm doing my best not to fidget. If my mind wanders, I bring it back but my main goal is to sit still and not fix whatever agitation I feel. As someone habituated to productivity and fixing, this isn't easy but I'm getting better at it. My goal is to get to 20 minutes of sitting still.

Pausing before responding.

Since I accept the difference between reacting and responding and I want to cultivate my ability to respond, I'm learning to slow down. To say, "Thanks, I'll get back to you on that" when I receive an invitation or a request. To wait 20 minutes after a meal when I get the urge to eat more. To get off the phone or out of a conversation if I'm feeling frustrated. To monitor my stress level and step away. AA calls this "pausing when agitated," giving ourselves time to wait for a better, healthier response to come to mind.

Moving towards discomfort.

This is the most radical thing I'm learning to do. To actively seek and embrace situations that make me uncomfortable. Since I'm an introvert, there are lots of those. Here's a small list of things that routinely make me uncomfortable:

\- Asking for help from a stranger

\- Calling up strangers to get information.

\- Asking for directions.

\- Letting anyone know that I don't know what I'm doing.

\- Almost anything involving the phone.

\- Asking for what I need if I think the other person will be inconvenienced or reluctant to say yes.

The pattern of behavior and feelings here is so obvious to me. But I don't want this kind of discomfort to derail my recovery. I want to know that I can handle these situations. It may not be easy. I may never get comfortable doing it. But I believe that being willing to step into the discomfort will serve me greatly in my desire to sit through my cravings and stay abstinent from self-medicating.

So I'm stepping into these. I called my phone company and asked for a discount. I expected them to say no. But they lowered my Internet bill from $44 to $19 a month for a year. Who knew? Rather than dreading making a phone call and putting it off, I just do it now. I called to get help changing my password on a complicated program. I called to find out why my sister's birthday present hadn't arrived. I'm practicing speaking to strangers in the mornings when I walk. I haven't asked for directions yet (I'm not lost on these walks) but I'm getting more comfortable speaking up.

Each of these events is a little victory for me. I'm still really uncomfortable but when I'm in that discomfort, nothing terrible happens to me. I'm learning I can be in that discomfort and survive.

Your discomfort list may look nothing like mine. We each have our own fears and frustrations. Maybe you get easily overwhelmed or easily frustrated if things don't go smoothly. Maybe you have control issues, needing people to do things the way you want. Maybe you are lonely or bored and afraid to connect or get involved in things. Maybe you too are uncomfortable doing nothing.

1. Make a list of situations that make you uncomfortable. Be as specific as you can. Take your time with this and keep adding to the list as you observe yourself over a week or so.

2. Can you begin a brief practice of sitting still? You can start with a couple of minutes and work up to more. You don't have to sit in an uncomfortable position, but do practice not moving at all, except for breathing (and blinking if your eyes are open). Don't scratch what itches or shift if something feels off. Just wait as long as you can. Sit with the discomfort.

3. Find ways to pause when presented with an invitation or an antagonism. Ask for more time in both instances. Walk away if needed. Put space between event and response.

4. Find small, brief ways to step into the uncomfortable situations on your list in #1 above. Listen more, talk less (or do the reverse if that's what's uncomfortable for you). Stay hungry another 15 minutes before a meal. Make that phone call. Ask for help. Reach out to someone else. Turn off the TV.

Over the last decades, many of us have become convinced that life should always be smooth and easy. That's just not realistic. We can learn to acknowledge the inevitable discomforts and pain of living and not run away through food.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 8: ACTION IS KEY TO CREATING A SWEETER LIFE

Most of us have talked and talked and then talked some more about getting off sugar and flour or cutting down on how much we eat. We've even gone so far as to make resolutions or promises to ourselves and others about when (usually sometime in the not-too-distant future) when we're going to do this. Yet often that time never comes. Or if it does come, the actions we take are not enough to overcome our well-entrenched habits and nothing really changes.

So how can we take actions that change our habits and practices and get us the result we really want: freedom from addictive, compulsive eating and the self-loathing that goes with it?

First, we can accept that definite concrete action is necessary, that vague dreams and someday aren't going to get us thin and free. We can realize that we need a specific plan for getting ourselves where we want to go. We can accept that in the past, we weren't ready for such big changes but now we are, that we're willing to go to any lengths to be free. And going to any lengths means action.

Because compulsion around foods and eating in general is a complex issue, we will need to address several aspects of our lives to create success.

\- If we are used to bingeing on certain foods, we will need to have a plan for abstaining from those foods.

\- If we are addicted to overeating, we will need a plan for moderating our quantities.

\- If we want to lose weight, we will need a food plan that gives us great nutrition, satisfies our hunger at meals, and lets us consume fewer calories.

\- If we are medicating ourselves with food because of stress, we will have to address those stresses.

\- If we eat more than we should because our life between meals is unsatisfying, we will want to create a plan for a sweeter life and take action to manifest it.

Second, we can figure out how to get what we want. One of my teachers says that most anything is possible if we can visualize our goal and then identify the _how's_ it will take to get there. He suggests creating a Tree of How's.

He recommends starting by putting each idea on a 3x5 index card and then using the floor to "build" the Tree with our goal at the top and the various ideas we decide on and their how's as the branches. As I'm a list-maker, I tend to do it a little differently on paper but the basics are the same.

I first visualize as best I can what I want. A right-size body. A regular exercise program. A regular space to do art in. Whatever I'm wanting to create.

Next, I make a list of all the ways I can think of to get it. Let's take the _have a regular space to do art in_ , as an example. Here are things I could do:

1. Move my bed into the living room and use the bedroom.

2. Build a studio in the front hall closet with an ironing board attached to the door for the work space.

3. Rent space in a studio or office building.

4. Commandeer the dining table as my permanent studio space and eat in the kitchen.

5. Use a part of my friend Melanie's big basement. Pay her in homemade soup.

6. Move my home office out of the spare bedroom and turn it into a studio. Put the office at one end of my long living room.

7. Send an email to all my friends asking for if they have room in their studio or home that I could use for my studio.

8. Fill one set of drawers and shelves in my kitchen with art supplies and use one side of the kitchen counter (I have a long galley kitchen) for my studio.

You can see that I'm not judging or censoring the ideas in any way at this time. Some of these aren't feasible at all, but the more ideas I come up, the more likely it is that I will get some good ones.

Next, I decide on one idea to pursue further. Here I chose #6. And I start to look at how I would make that happen, again by writing down all the ideas I have.

1. Move the furniture down in the living room.

2. Move the office furniture out into the now-vacated end of the living room.

3. Get a new small rug for the office space to differentiate it from the living room space.

4. Get a better router so the wifi will work all over the house.

5. Get a cheap rug and pad for the new second-bedroom studio to protect the floors.

6. Clean out the closet in the second bedroom

7. Get shelves put in for art supplies.

8. Get my sister to help me do the moving.

9. Figure out what furniture I can get rid of to create more space in both the living room and the second bedroom.

10. Sort and give away books to free a bookcase for art supplies.

11. Find all my art supplies and sort through them, maybe keeping only the best.

12. Make a trip to the Salvation Army to get rid of books, art supplies, etc.

Then I break each one down even further. For example, number 4 above.

1. Email Brian (a tech-savvy friend) and David (my computer repair guy) and ask them about a good router that will do what I need.

2. Check out prices on amazon, Centurylink (my provider), and elsewhere.

3. Put the lowest price in my budget for the project.

4. Figure out whom I can call on to help me with installation (via phone with Brian?)

5. Order it.

6. Install it when the computer gets moved into the new space.

I keep asking "how can I do this" until I have a list of small, concrete tasks and then I start doing them. For example, number 1:

1. Figure out what I want the router to do. Write it down. (10 minutes)

2. Email Brian and David. (2 minutes)

You may be feeling exhausted just looking at this long list of to-do's, but I find that if I make a game of it, it's fun. In fact, you can do this brainstorming with a friend or a group of friends. Each of you gets a chance to announce your project and everyone gives you a list of possibilities for getting it done. You get lots of good ideas and usually some of the ideas are hilarious.

Remember too that in the beginning, you're only coming up with as many _possibilities_ as you can think of, including the wacky ones, so that first list isn't a to-do list. Then in the next step, you narrow down those possibilities to one or two best choices and then create lots of possible _how's_ to get it.

I actually find the Tree of How's a great antidote to overwhelm. When I have a big change to make, my mind can go into a place of whirling confusion that is exhausting. But if I can corral my whirling mind into making a list of quite random possibilities, including the totally impractical, somehow I can lighten up and begin to find a small simpler way into that new habit, that new practice, that new thing I want. When I take the serious burden out of it and insert the humorous and creative, I have a better chance.

To free ourselves of food compulsion, we need to take action and to take the most effective action, we need to create plans that can help guide us to success.

Here are some of the plans you may need to liberate your life from food.

\- A plan for abstaining from trigger foods.

\- A plan for moderating quantities if you are a compulsive overeater like me.

\- A food plan with great nutrition that satisfies hunger at meals and supports weight loss. This plan should also address any ongoing health issues you may have.

\- A plan for reducing stress in your life if you're eating for relief.

\- A plan for maximizing satisfaction (see Week 9 for more about this).

\- A plan for creating a sweeter life between meals.

Suggestion: Choose one of the plans above and create a Tree of How's. Keep refining the suggestions until you have a set of doable small tasks. Then begin doing the tasks. You might find the 3x5 cards are just the tool you need for helping you think more creatively.

Ready to add more creativity to your sweeter life? Check out the many suggestions for doing that in my book _Sober Play: Using creativity for a more joyful recovery_. For a copy of the paperback or Kindle format, go to amazon; www.smashwords.com carries all the other ebook formats.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 9: INCREASING OUR EXPERIENCE OF SATISFACTION

We Americans live in a culture of dissatisfaction. In fact, our economy runs on it. If we're dissatisfied with our looks, our jobs, our homes, our cars, our meals, our spouses, we can get something else. (All this may also be true in other developed countries, especially those heavily influenced by our pursuit of material pleasures.) The economic idea is that the more dissatisfied we are, the more we'll spend. And while we may not buy into this exactly, we do get used to being dissatisfied and looking for ways to fix it.

In order to recover from food addiction, two things have to change in our relationship with satisfaction: we have to find more of it in our lives and we have to stop fixing our dissatisfaction, however it occurs, with food.

One way to go about this is to begin practicing what I call _registering satisfaction_. In a way, it's a gratitude and appreciation practice. Here's how I use it:

First, every chance I get, I register my satisfaction. Whenever possible, I say it out loud.

\- I'm glad to be home.

\- That was a really great apple.

\- I had great service at the market today.

\- I am so glad I made that difficult phone call.

\- My soup is delicious.

\- I'm so happy you called.

\- I finished that big project. It was a lot of work and I feel really good about my efforts.

Second, I write down a few of my satisfactions at the end of the day. This is part of my journaling practice on a free app called Grid Diary. One of my questions is always _What satisfactions did I experience today?_

Third, and most importantly, I'm learning what satisfaction feels like emotionally and physically. You probably know that our emotions all show up in our bodies; that's how we feel them. Satisfaction for me shows up as a warmth in my chest, an easing of tension in my shoulders and my stomach. I'm practicing both noting it and experiencing it.

How might it support your recovery and your sweeter life between meals to have a satisfaction practice?

\- How might you speak your satisfaction?

\- How might you write your satisfaction?

\- Where in your body do you feel your satisfaction?

To get in touch with our satisfaction, I'm convinced we have to slow down. We have to make room for it in our busy schedules.

I realized one day that I was moving through my daily to-do list without a single pause and certainly no sense of a job well done. No sense of completion. No sense of satisfaction that I had just sent off an editing project to a client that I had worked on for 45 hours. And I'd done a great job. No registering that I had screwed up my courage and made a couple of difficult phone calls. No acknowledging my bravery in saying no to a potential client when my inner guidance said _you don't want to work for this guy._

Instead, I'd just finish one thing and start the next without skipping a beat. At the end of the day, I'd accomplished a lot and yet I'd never let the feeling of satisfaction wash over me. No wonder I was so focused on food.

On my to-do list now, I write tasks on every other line. Then I write "pause" or P on the lines between. I need the visual reminder to slow down, to feel satisfied, to give myself credit for what I'm doing. This is one way I'm adding more satisfaction into my life and slowing down.

\- How would slowing down in your day help you feel more satisfaction?

\- How might you remind yourself to register satisfaction?

The second change we can cultivate is in our relationship with dissatisfaction, when it occurs, by changing how we respond to it. When I'm active in my food addiction, I medicate with food whenever I encounter a feeling I don't like: sadness, boredom, restlessness, guilt, anger, dissatisfaction. So recovery means I have to find other ways to deal with that discomfort.

The simplest and clearest way I've been able to do that is to commit to eating no snacks. I eat three meals a day and nothing in-between. If I remove snacking, then my chances to medicate my feelings with food are reduced from every waking moment to three times a day: breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Because I am also committed to eating no sugar or flour products of any kind, I've eliminated all the treats and rewards that we typically eat to soothe our feelings.

They're also the foods I was most commonly consuming as snacks.

But of course, those two commitments don't do away with my dissatisfaction. They just remove the usual fixes. So my challenge is to find other ways to soothe dissatisfaction and other negative emotions when they occur.

My favorite way to deal with dissatisfaction is not to fix it but to treat myself to some satisfaction. Here are things I find very satisfying:

\- Sitting in my big green chair with a cat on my lap (aka _petitation_ )

\- Putting glue to paper (aka collage)

\- Talking with one of my close friends

\- Organizing a drawer or shelf or just about anything (weird, I know, but hey!)

\- Reading a chapter in a great novel

\- Playing a game of online solitaire

\- Writing a "hello" card to a friend or relative

\- Researching something that's on my what-I'm-curious-about list

\- Sketching with Paper 53 (a fabulous free app on my iPad)

Some people might call these _distractions_ and I guess they do distract me from the dissatisfaction, but I prefer to call them _satisfactions_ as I get that same warm feeling when I've done them.

\- What satisfactions can you implement when you want to medicate your dissatisfaction with food?

\- If you've eliminated sugar and flour and snacks from your food plan, how might you address your dissatisfactions?

One last thought: What might happen if we eliminated dissatisfaction from our lives all together? Sound impossible? It may not be so. Week 20 is all about engagement and the sweeter life between meals.

Need some additional support for creating a sweeter life between meals? Email me about a free half-hour of coaching: jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 10: WHY A SWEETER LIFE BETWEEN MEALS IS GOOD FOR OUR HEALTH

I've been self-medicating with food (sugar, flour, fat) since I was 9 but I didn't really start to gain weight until I was in my early 30s. I was an anxious, nervous kid with PTSD, and my metabolism ran high all those early years. Once I got sober (about the time I hit menopause), the weight really began to pack on and I began to seriously worry about my health.

But like many addicts, I didn't do much but worry for a long time—worry and watch the pounds creep up until I weighed 120 pounds beyond a healthy weight for me. I read somewhere that worry helps us think that we have some measure of control, but I was mostly worried that I was out of control. I worried but I didn't take action. And as I mentioned in Week 8, action is key if we want to recover.

\- What health issues are you currently facing?

\- What prescription medications do you take?

\- What future health concerns do you worry about?

\- Does this worry keep you from eating too much and eating unhealthy things or does it just compound the problem, encouraging you to eat so you are too numb to worry?

I could list here all the dire things that can happen to us when we are obese and when we eat the way we do (in reality, 40% of sugar and food addicts are in right-sized bodies), but instead I'd like to talk about all the good things that happen when we create a sweeter life between meals.

We put down the burden of shame and guilt.

Living in shame and guilt isn't just an emotional experience. It's also a physical one. Chronic shame and guilt about our behavior is depressing, and when we are depressed, we have lowered immunity to colds, flu, and digestive problems and slower recovery from injury. When we stop self-medicating with food, many of our reasons for that self- medicating disappear and that emotional weight is lifted from us, both literally and figuratively.

We nourish our bodies and our health.

No matter what healthy food plan we choose, every one of them promotes increased consumption of fruits and vegetables. And usually not just a little. My food plan calls for 20 oz of vegetables every day and 12 oz of fruit. That's a lot. If we're smart, we eat a wide variety of fruits and vegetables, which maximizes the nutrition we're getting. This also ups our immune system, making us healthier and less prone to injury.

We have more energy and less anxiety.

Because I'd been off sugar before, I didn't expect to experience more energy when I went off sugar and flour, but after about three weeks of abstaining from all sweeteners and all pulverized grains, including potato starch and cornmeal, I noticed an amazing difference in my energy. At the same time, much of my anxiety and restlessness began to disappear. I wanted to get moving, to do more, but it wasn't to fix something negative.

Exercise and movement become a lot easier.

I expected to have to wait for big weight loss before I would feel like upping my gym workouts or taking longer walks, but that wasn't the case. Again, about three weeks after I got off demon foods, I could put that new sense of energy to good use. And of course, once we get a regular exercise routine going, we build muscle, feel stronger, and loss more weight. It's a lovely cascade of benefits.

We're happier and calmer.

The chemistry of addiction runs on dopamine: we eat foods that trigger that brain chemical we get high when the dopamine floods our system. Then when the flood passes, we want more dopamine so we keep eating. When we abstain from the dopamine-spiking foods, like doughnuts and ice cream, and instead eat serotonin- enhancing foods like fruits and vegetables, we get a steady supply of that other feel- good brain chemical. After six weeks of abstinence, I found myself unrelentingly cheerful and, for the most part, that good mood has lasted these many, many months.

We may be able to get off or reduce our medications.

Sugar and processed grains have been implicated in a wide array of medical conditions, including high blood pressure, arthritis, gout, and other inflammatory diseases.

Abstaining from these foods can give our bodies a chance to heal, to come back into alignment. It's always good to let your doctor know if you make a big change in your food plan so that he or she can help you monitor any needed reductions in dosage of prescription medications.

We let go of a major source of worry.

I knew that I was killing myself with food. Not quickly. Not in any overtly suicidal way but in a slow decline of health, both physical and emotional. When I'd eat a half-gallon of ice cream over an afternoon, I knew that such quantities of sugar and fat were hard on my arteries and my heart, and my anxiety would ratchet up. When I ate four large chocolate bars one afternoon, I knew that the yuckiness I felt was my liver responding to an overload of caffeine and fat and I quickly went from uneasy to scared. As I watched the pounds creep on, I knew that diabetes and heart disease were most likely lurking in the shadows.

I don't worry now about what I eat. What I eat is good for me. The amount of fat, protein, veggies, and fruit are appropriate. They keep my weight steady, my mood steady, my health good. It's all good.

\- What health worries and concerns have you had in the past? How might these get resolved if you abstain from your trigger foods and create a sweeter life?

\- What could you do with more energy?

\- What goals or dreams could you achieve if you were free of the obsession with food?

\- How might your relationship with worry change if you stepped solidly into recovery from food addiction?

\- Who in your life would benefit if you were happier and calmer?

Of course, the sweeter life between meals is about much more than abstinence from our demon foods. It's about using our time, energy, and other resources for all the other things we want to experience in our lives: connection, creativity, engagement, spirituality, service, you name it. And having the health, the peace of mind, the energy, the happiness to pursue these things is amazing.

If you're finding it difficult to stay abstinent, consider finding more support for your journey, either through a group, a buddy, or a coach. Email me for resources: jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 11: BEING ALL IN: LETTING GO OF HALF-MEASURES

When I finally gathered up the willingness to accept my unhealthy relationship to sugar and demon foods for the addiction it was, I joined a commercial program. In its community, I reconnected with a high school classmate and we became support for each other inside a small group that met through video chat once a week. We had equally good success the first couple of months and then she began to falter (we often call this _doing more research_ ), and now all these many months later she has one foot in recovery and one foot in addiction.

Another member of our group is also struggling. She has unusual circumstances (sailing around the world) but from the start she has been determined to do abstinence her own way, which includes trying out many different programs and plans. I see that this hasn't gotten her the success she wanted nor has it made her happy, but she persists in being independent and again doing more research.

Over the years of my success in recovery, I've learned a lot. And one thing I know for sure: half-measures don't get us what we really want: freedom from the slavery of addiction and compulsion and self-loathing.

Many of us are experts on weight loss and expert at trying to deal with our relationship with food. Write about your own experiences with trying to lose weight and your successes or failures. Is there a common thread in that history?

\- What kinds of "research" have you done in your efforts to recover from food compulsion?

\- Commercial programs

\- Diets

\- Support groups

\- Books

\- What about these efforts worked? What didn't work?

\- Have you spent any time with one foot in and one foot out of recovery? What was that experience like?

\- If you've been abstinent before and relapsed, what do you think might have created the shift out of freedom and back into slavery?

There is an oft-quoted line in the Big Book of AA: "Half-measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point." I think this is a wonderfully succinct description of all our efforts to keep one foot in addiction ( _please don't make me give up my anesthetic_ ) and one foot in recovery ( _I'm so tired of feeling this way_ ).

All of my efforts before I fully accepted my addiction to sugar, flour, and other demon foods were half-measures. I gave up white sugar but hung on to brown sugar and maple syrup and diet coke. I gave up wheat and binged on rice flour pasta and oat bread and corn chips. I got off ice cream and just ate more candy. I got off sugar and gorged myself on grilled cheese sandwiches. I wasn't fooling anybody, including myself. I just didn't want to stop soothing myself with food.

But of course I couldn't stay abstinent on half-measures. I couldn't keep the weight off. Even more importantly, I couldn't change my life so that I didn't need so much soothing. Now that seems so obvious to me, but it took me a long time to see that I had to take full measures. I had to jump in with both feet and stay in all the way.

\- Where are you currently stuck in half-measures?

\- What, if anything, is holding you back from jumping into recovery with both feet?

\- Beliefs?

\- Resistance?

\- Anger?

\- Fear?

Explore these ideas in your journal.

\- What story would you have to give up in order to be all in and stay all in?

The illness of addiction is often characterized by a lack of imagination: we cannot imagine our life without our substance or behavior of choice, without our anesthetic. At the same time, we believe that living without that anesthetic—sugar, potato chips, ice cream, gambling, alcohol, drugs—will be intolerable, unbearable, deadly. We are afraid that we will suffer horribly and/or die. Because addiction is not rational (who in their rational mind would eat what we do and as much as we do?), it is very hard to talk about these fears of the intolerable, the unbearable, the deadly.

But when we do talk about them, when we can bring them into the light, we can discover that change is possible, that giving up that anesthetic is not a death sentence but actually a key to living a much richer and more fulfilling life.

What jumping in with both feet might mean:

\- Committing to a very specific food plan

\- Committing to weighing and measuring our meals

\- Committing to a specific eating schedule (meals and snacks or no snacks)

\- Gathering support for our commitments (groups, buddies)

\- Making environmental changes

\- Making other life changes

\- Enrolling our friends and family into understanding and supporting our changes

What staying in with both feet might mean:

\- Developing the strength and courage to remain abstinent

\- Creating a life that makes abstinence from trigger foods more automatic and easier

\- Sticking to our food plan and meal plan so consistently that those around us support us consistently and don't offer us demon foods

\- Simplifying our lives to the point that our need for self-medication fades away

\- Enriching our creative and spiritual lives to the point that our need for self- medication fades away

\- Using the action tools in Week 8, what concrete plans could you make for jumping in with both feet?

\- What concrete plans could you make for staying in with both feet?

\- If you are already all in, what strategies are you using to stay there?

\- What suggestions might you give to someone who is struggling to be all in?

Being all in can feel scary. Our addiction loves a back door, a way out, a limit to abstinence. _I'll eat this way until I lose the weight or summer comes or it's my birthday, and then I'll be cured and can eat whatever I want._ Our better selves know there is no cure for addiction. Once an addict, always an addict. But we can be an addict in remission, an addict in abstinence, which is a much sweeter place to live.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 12: JOURNALING OUR WAY INTO A SWEETER LIFE

It's probably not an exaggeration to say that regular journaling changed my life. I had written in a diary or journal sporadically from the time I was 11 or 12. And the operative word here is _sporadically_. Like many of us, I had a half-dozen and then eventually a dozen notebooks with a few entries in each one. Sometimes I'd write only two or three times before giving up, and sometimes I'd write for a couple of weeks.

This behavior wasn't really a mystery to me. I was only using the journals for what I call _angst entries_. That means I only journaled when I was miserable with anger or jealousy or heartbreak. I'd pour my heart out on the page, and then life would move on and the journal would sit on the shelf.

It wasn't until I discovered two books that I was able to adopt a journaling practice and make it into one I could sustain. The first book was Julia Cameron's _The Artist's Way_ , which advocates writing Morning Pages every day. These stream-of-consciousness entries are not intended for anything except to clear your mind so you can start the day released from any emotional holdovers from the day before. The second equally important book was _Life's Companion: Journaling for the Spiritual Quest_ by Christina Baldwin, which contains a wide variety of writing assignments for exploring your spiritual and emotional life.

Both books helped me shift my thinking about journaling from believing it was a literary effort to seeing it as a personal and very private healing tool that no one would ever have to see. Cameron makes this explicit by suggesting that not only do we not worry about grammar and spelling and editing but that we don't even reread the pages. This gave me an enormous freedom to use journaling as a recovery tool.

\- What has been your experience with journaling? Do you have notebooks you've started and set aside?

\- If you've never journaled, do you know why you haven't? How do you feel about writing down your thoughts in a safe private way?

\- What do you think you might gain now from doing it regularly?

As a creative medium, journaling is amazingly flexible and versatile. The word _journal_ comes from the French word for day, _jour,_ and has an especially strong association with writing because of its use as a word in both French and English for _newspaper_. In its basic essence, journaling is daily writing although it's not at all limited to text. Here are only some of the many ways people journal.

**A tool for mind-clearing (aka brain dump):** You can write down anything that's on your mind or heart that you'd like to get out of yourself, from the most mundane to the most tragic. The paper is a safe listener.

**An ongoing record of thoughts, feelings, ideas, or facts:** You can chart the weather, your exercise progress, the strength of your cravings, the clarity of your mind or moods. You can record any number of sensations or reactions, with or without commentary.

**Dialogs:** You can write both parts of a dialog with your Higher Power, your inner child, your spouse, your boss, your best friend. You can use this instead of talking to the person or as a rehearsal to clarify your thinking.

**Taking notes:** You can copy quotes from things you read or hear and discuss them with yourself. I tend to always be reading a non-fiction book, sometimes history, sometimes art, sometimes spiritual teachings, sometimes self-help. I find it useful to jot down ideas that really move me.

**Night dreams:** You can keep a record of your dreams and what you think they mean.

**Dreams for the future:** You can plan and dream all manner of things for yourself and others in your journal.

**Responding to prompts and questions:** You can use your journal to record your answers to any number of workbooks, like _Life's Companion_ mentioned above or perhaps Judy Reeves' _A Writer's Book of Days_ , which is loaded with all kinds of prompts. You can have a journal that you use specifically for this program.

**Poetry:** You can fill your journal with poems, your own and those of poets you enjoy. You can use the journal for drafting, polishing, and practicing any kind of writing.

**Prose:** You can make your journal into a writer's notebook, filling it with ideas and plans for short stories or longer fiction or nonfiction work.

**Sketching and drawing:** You can use your journal for art practices like sketching or collage in addition to or instead of words. And there's a whole technique called _visual journaling_ , where you respond with colors and shapes to life events and feelings.

**Gratitude:** You can write every day what you are grateful for.

**Prayers:** You can write your prayers instead of saying them.

\- Which of the ideas above appeal to you?

\- What might you gain from creating a journaling practice?

\- How might journaling strengthen your recovery from food addiction and compulsion?

Journaling is, by its very nature, something to do regularly. It doesn't have to be daily although I find my daily journaling immensely helpful in keeping me centered and grounded and peaceful. (I do a version of Cameron's Morning Pages although I call them Evening Pages because I do them just before I go to bed). But I also know others who only journal on the weekends. Like many creative practices, the more you do it, the more you will benefit and enjoy it.

Why is journaling a valuable recovery practice?

\- It gives us something physical and tangible to do with our anxiety, frustration, fear, worry, sadness, restlessness.

\- It can soothe us.

\- It can keep us out of the kitchen.

\- It can record the progress we're making.

\- It can be fun.

\- It can satisfy the need we all have to honor ourselves.

\- It can reinforce our ability to persist in taking good care of ourselves.

Before you say no to journaling as just something else to add to your busy schedule, consider these easy suggestions for getting started.

1. Use a journal that you already have. If it's not new and spotless, it will help keep you from getting too precious about the practice. If you don't want the old pages in your way, start from the back of the book or tear them out. If you have only lined journals and prefer unlined (or vice versa) though, by all means get the one that feels right.

2. Keep your practice expectations low and easy.

a. Commit to five minutes every night.

b. Commit to ½ page every night.

c. Commit to 3 sentences every night.

3. Don't listen to the inner critic that says _you're not a writer, you don't know what you're doing, this is all crap_. Just let that go and commit to keeping the practice you choose for a month.

4. That's right. Do it every day for a month. If you get into bed and remember you haven't done your journaling, get up and do it. Consistency is an enormous help in recovery from any form of addiction.

Using journaling as a support tool for abstinence may sound a bit daunting if you've never kept a diary or journal before. But it's easy. No worries about grammar, spelling, or how you sound. This is just for you, a way to talk to yourself about whatever you need to. I encourage you to give it a try.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 13: REDUCING STRESS BY CREATING A SUPPORTIVE ENVIRONMENT

During a coaching session this week, my client mentioned the sense of overwhelm she feels around things in her home that need doing. While there were many projects to undertake, she kept returning in the discussion to a bag of clothing for her grandkids that needed to get put away. The task seemed simple: empty the drawers in the spare bedroom of the clothing that was too small, take the better-fitting clothing from the bag and put it into the drawers, put the too-small clothing in the bag and get rid of it. Easy- peasy. But the bag had been sitting on the floor of the living room for over a week even though she saw it and thought about it every time she went into the room.

My client was experiencing what Cheryl Richardson so aptly calls a _drainer_ : something we know needs doing that drains our energy every time we see it, and for some mysterious reason we keep not doing it. And while the task itself is no big deal (and perhaps of little consequence in the grand scheme of the universe), it eats up our vital energy by nagging at our minds and adding to our stress.

If we're serious about recovering from our compulsive use of food and about creating a sweeter life between meals, we have to learn to eliminate as many small stressors as we can so we can manage the larger stresses that life throws at us. And while we may want to jettison our whole life and start over, for most of us that's not feasible. We may need to change jobs or careers but that isn't going to happen this week. We may need to rethink our primary relationships, get some counseling, maybe even a divorce, but that isn't going to happen quickly either. But our immediate environment and its stressors? That's something we can do something about now.

\- Spend a few minutes journaling or thinking about any stresses in your environment: perhaps things that annoy you, depress you, or irritate you.

\- Make a list of the rooms in your house or apartment (include a basement or garage or storage attic if you have one.) Can you find an adjective that describes the "feeling" of the different rooms in your house? Is your bedroom peaceful? Your kitchen welcoming? Your family room chaotic or out of control? How might these labels help you choose something else?

\- What kind of environment do you prefer? Are you most comfortable with a lot of things around you or do you prefer more empty space and clean surfaces?

Most of our discomfort in our environment stems from three complications: drainers, including postponed repairs; too much stuff to begin with (aka clutter); and stuff that is homeless (need a permanent location to live in). While cleanliness is occasionally an issue (our need for a deep clean or a spring clean), a lack of cleanliness surprisingly disturbs our equilibrium much less often than a lack of order. Those of us who need clean manage to get it done, while those of us who don't care don't worry about it.

Drainers

Drainers are any visible problem or task that we leave undone that bugs us, that drains our energy when we see it. Drainers can be minor—like my client's bag of clothes—or major, like a broken appliance. They also affect individuals to different degrees.

Anything broken or out of place bugs some people; others are only disturbed by things that have been hanging around for months. However, even those of us with a high tolerance for visual mess report feeling pleased and relieved when we've taken care of a drainer.

Here are some common drainers:

\- Laundry that hasn't been folded or put away

\- Dirty dishes in the sink

\- Stack of books to return to the library

\- A long-standing reminder to make a doctor's or dentist's appointment

\- Something borrowed and not returned

\- Items that need fixing (change a light bulb, sew on a button, tighten a screw, knives that need sharpening, shoes that need resoling)

\- Items that need replacing (malfunctioning blender, coffee grinder, dead hair dryer, tires)

\- Painting or painting repairs that you keep meaning to do or get someone else to do

\- Gutters that need cleaning

\- Packages that need mailing (maybe returns for online shipping) You get the picture.

Clutter

Because most of us love to get stuff, buy stuff, and receive stuff, we have a lot of stuff. And it's probably safe to say that many of us have way more stuff than we need. This, of course, leads to clutter. But clutter isn't really about how much stuff we have but our relationship with it. If the quantity and quality of our possessions and how we have them arranged contributes to peace, freedom, and ease in our lives, then it isn't clutter.

But if that quantity and quality, that arrangement feels stressful, makes us irritable or uneasy, if it contributes to our need to medicate ourselves into numbness, then it's a place for change.

Here are some gauges to use in considering your stuff:

\- Everything I own brings me joy or is useful.

\- _Useful_ means I use/wear/listen/read/enjoy it.

\- Nothing I have brings up painful feelings (sadness, guilt, shame, regret).

In her tidying up book, Marie Kondo advocates holding something you really love and using the feeling that object evokes as your measure of joy. Anything less than that isn't worth our attention, she says.

Homeless stuff

The idea of _homing_ my possessions was a revelation to me. Homing means simply that we assign a home for each item that we have, a place where it lives in our house or apartment or office. And of course the trick is to put it there when we're not using it.

Some things, of course, live out. My toaster oven lives out on the counter as does my microwave and my plants. But only a few other decorative items live out at my house so that a lot of my surfaces are fairly spare and clean, which is the environment I'm most comfortable with. Everything else has a home: towels, sheets, extra toothpaste, art supplies, office supplies, watches, phone, electronic cords, and the bags they go in.

An unforeseen benefit for me of learning to home my possessions has been knowing where most everything is. I've spent enough time already in my life chasing things I set down somewhere and now can't find. Since I put things away in the same place each time now, I know where to look.

\- Make a list of the **drainers** in your environment.

\- If there are lots of things that need attention, make a list only of small items: easy repairs, things to return, drainers that will only take a few minutes. Complete this list before moving on to larger items like cleaning out the garage or hiring a painter.

\- Put up a highly visible list of the drainers, perhaps on the fridge, so that as you complete them, you get big satisfaction from seeing them checked off the list.

\- Break up the big drainers into their own list of smaller tasks. Then just keep moving forward bit by bit.

\- It can be really helpful to write a bit about your feelings about your environment and where you stand with **clutter**. Do you like a clean environment or do you find comfort in having your possessions around you? Do you like things visually simple or visually more complex?

\- If having less visual stimulation would reduce stress for you, what small steps could you take to releasing some of your stuff (books to the library book sale, unworn clothes to a thrift store or woman's shelter, regifting of unused kitchen tools) or doing a major purge and letting it all go?

\- Once you've lightened your load and your environment, can you find a home for everything now?

You may be feeling a little overwhelmed at the prospect of making these changes. No worries. You can do this a bit at a time. Like most recovery actions, easy does it. One step at a time. Here are some ideas that may help:

1. Create a simple plan of action, one that is neither complicated nor very long. Do it. Experience and register the satisfaction (see Week 9). Share your celebration with a friend.

a. Repeat #1.

b. If it serves you well, create a master list of drainers and repairs, then create your simple plans from that list. But if a master list feels daunting, just stick to #1.

2. Don't do it alone! Ask a friend to do this with you or you can both do it at the same time in your own environments. Declutter together. Take loads to the thrift shop or dump together.

3. Keep your goal in mind. It's not about having a perfect house or apartment. It's about reducing stress and creating an environment that supports recovery and the sweeter life between meals that you so deserve.

We spend a lot of time in our environments, both home and work. Having them be supportive, soothing, calming, is invaluable.

If you're finding it difficult to stay abstinent, consider finding more support for your journey, either through a group, a buddy, or a coach. Email me for resources: jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 14: CREATING A REST PRACTICE

Being addicted to substances—whether they be drugs, alcohol, or food—is exhausting. We spend so much time and energy fighting our cravings and then giving in to them, keeping enough chocolate or ice cream or potato chips on hand, hiding the evidence, and pretending we don't have a problem that it's no wonder we feel worn out. And when we're exhausted, we use more food to try to create some energy.

In Portland, Oregon, where I live, there's a coffee shop every two blocks, selling sugar and flour and fat and caffeine so that people can fuel their exhausted bodies and keep moving. At lunch time, the Starbucks near me is full of kids from the nearby junior high getting mochas to get through their afternoons.

Like those kids, like most of the people who make coffee shops and coffee carts a profitable business, many of us are overwhelmed by our schedules and chronically tired. We work too much, we relax too little, we sleep too little. What sleep we do get is not very refreshing. So we rely on demon foods to keep us going. Recovery from self- medicating with food means that has to change.

\- How often have you used sugar/flour/fat or caffeinated beverages for an energy boost? Are you still doing that?

\- Is a cup of coffee or black tea a pleasant morning ritual or a needed stimulant? Might you be addicted to the caffeine in coffee or tea or chocolate? Have you come to depend on caffeine to get going in the morning or to keep going throughout the day? If you are using it as a drug, are you honest with yourself about this?

\- How would you rate your general level of energy? (1-10)

\- How would you rate your general level of fatigue? (1-10)

\- What do these numbers tell you?

Of course, food _is_ fuel. That's its primary function: to fuel the various metabolic processes that keep our hearts beating, our blood flowing, our immune systems strong and to give us the energy to move in the world. We can't do without it.

But one of the biggest challenges for the recovering food addict is to learn to use food as fuel and to use it wisely. We can't afford to depend on caffeine and sugar/flour and fat as a pick-me-up in the mid-morning or mid-afternoon. If we're in recovery, the fuel we consume is mostly all protein and vegetables and some fruit. And many of us have to give up snacking completely in order to keep our food intake at the right amount to reach or maintain a right-sized body.

So how do we make sure we have enough fuel to get through the day, especially if we're trying to lose weight? Simple: We shift into a better balanced life and use rest as a major fuel source.

Before I offer you my suggestions for a rest practice, I'd encourage you to spend a little time thinking and writing about your ideas.

\- How would you define _rest_?

\- How would you define _relaxation_?

\- What is keeping you from fully resting and relaxing?

\- How might you change that?

Lightening up our load and our life

One way to make our life more restful is to jettison some of our burdens. Here are some ideas.

\- Consider again suggestions in Week 13 about creating a more supportive environment.

\- you have the financial means, can you hire someone to clean house for you?

\- Are there groups you belong to that aren't restful (they drain you rather than energize you)? Can you let them go?

\- Are there relationships you have that aren't restful (they drain you rather than energize you)? If these relationships are with persons other than family, can you move out of the relationships?

Resolving sleep issues

The time we spend sleeping should be good for body, mind, and spirit. Here are a few things to consider:

Might you have sleep apnea? Many of us suffer from this problem of intermittently stopping breathing while asleep. Mild cases usually don't warrant treatment, but more severe cases can lead to serious complications. Ask your doctor if this might be an issue for you, especially if others have mentioned your snoring.

Is your mattress too old? The older we are, the more important a great mattress is to support our backs, hips, and knees. The heavier we are too, the more quickly we wear out the support of a mattress. If you've had your mattress for more than ten years, it may time to get a new one.

Do you use electronic screens in your bedroom? That includes TV. Electronic screens use lighting that stimulates the brain. It's best to turn off any screens an hour before bed. Consider moving your TV and other electronics out of the bedroom. You'll sleep better.

Recognize how much sleep you need (I need about 7 hours in the lighter months and about 9 hours in the darker months). Go to bed early enough to get that much **every night**.

Making time for rest

For those of us in recovery, ironically, rest needs to be an activity we choose. We can't afford to relegate it to some time when either there's nothing else to do or when we completely run out of steam. Instead, it can become a practice that we embrace, that we make time for. Here are some ideas:

During the day

\- Get up from the computer every 30-45 minutes and stretch. Walk around the room. Touch your toes. Reach for the ceiling. You've heard this a million times. Now just do it. Set a timer on your phone or computer. Just do it.

\- At any meeting you have with others (work, family, friends), encourage brief periods of silence and thinking rather than endless talking. It can be as simple as suggesting, "Let's sit in silence for two minutes and think about this." When the two minutes are up, invite new ideas into the discussion: "Has anyone thought of something we haven't discussed yet?" These brief silences are amazingly restful and can reset the energy of the whole group.

\- Spend time looking out the window. Just look. Any connection with nature is restful.

\- Take a walk, regardless of the weather, even if it's just around the block or the parking lot. The increased oxygen is both stimulating and restful.

In the evening

1. Stop working (aka being productive) a couple of hours before bedtime. Turn off the computer, put the papers in your briefcase, stop cleaning up, start slowing down.

2. Do your bedtime rituals now (two hours before bedtime)—wash your face or shower, brush your teeth, lotion up your body, figure out your clothes for the next day and your lunch—do all those actions that signal bedtime. This will help your body start to relax.

3. Now sit down. Read a magazine or a good book. Read to your kids. Pet your cats or dog. Cuddle with your partner. Appreciate each other. Appreciate your good fortune. If worrisome thoughts come up, bless them and let them go. Now is not the time to attend to them.

4. Meditate or pray as your spiritual practice encourages. If you write a gratitude list, do that now.

\- Which of the suggestions above seem like a good idea to you? How might you implement them?

\- What other ideas come to mind for being more rested?

\- What old resistance comes up for you when you think about making changes like these? What old stories start to play? _I have to work late. I can't miss X TV show. You don't know my family._ Consider dropping your resistance and creating a new story that serves you better.

We live in a culture that sees rest as an afterthought or something to do when everything else is completed. For those of us in recovery, rest needs to be a primary support, an underpinning of the sweeter life.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 15: EMBRACING EXERCISE AS CRUCIAL TO OUR RECOVERY

In addition to creating a rest practice to fuel our lives, we also need to embrace exercise as another source of energy. This may seem counterintuitive—using up energy to get energy—but it works and it works very well.

I have put off writing this section for a few weeks. Here's why: There's already a ton of information out there about why you should exercise and how you can exercise and where you can exercise. It's good for your health, for your mood. You can start slow and increase your stamina. You can join a gym or just get some walking shoes and head out the door after work or on a weekend morning. All true, all great suggestions. So what do I have to offer you?

First, my own experience with exercise. While I was an energetic young child, by junior high, I was losing interest in sports and gaining interest in more introverted activities like reading and writing. In those middle years, I was good at track (I liked to run) but I wasn't a great team player or someone endowed with athletic ability. By high school and college, I gritted my teeth through every PE class so I could get the requirements out of the way. And then exercise disappeared from my life.

Then when I was 34, I got involved with a man who was a jogger. He also had a small weight bench in his spare bedroom and he lifted weights once a week and jogged twice a week. He didn't want a paunch and he didn't want a heart attack. He encouraged me to start jogging.

At first I could only go two blocks, then three, then four. Eventually I could jog a mile, then two. At one point, some years along, I jogged a half-marathon. But here's the first thing: I didn't like doing it. I got stronger but I disliked every minute. I discovered I felt panicky when I got out of breath and I had never liked sweating. So it was a real chore.

But here's the second thing and definitely the more important piece of my story: I kept at it. That's right. No matter how I hated it, I kept doing it. I knew my boyfriend was right—that exercise was a good thing and that an exercise habit was an even better thing.

\- What has been your relationship with exercise in the past? What is it now?

\- If you have a regular exercise practice, how do you sustain it? List all the ways.

\- If you don't, what keeps you from having one? List all the reasons.

Keeping at it in those early months worked for me. I got hooked on exercise and for the last three decades, I've had a regular exercise program. I jogged for a few years, then started doing walking as a regular practice, some aerobics classes, treadmill, free weights. Lately, I've discovered water aerobics, which I actually look forward to. Different times, different circumstances. But what's remains true is doing something to move my body through space at least every couple of days for all these years. I've been known to do a 2-mile walk just doing circles around a hotel parking lot when I'm in an unfamiliar city.

In my case, _being hooked on exercise_ may not mean what you think it does.

I did get physically hooked in that my body got used to the increased well-being that exercise brings. I did it consistently long enough to begin to get nudges from my body that are a kind of withdrawal. In other words, I have established such a habit with exercise that my body signals me to get moving.

However, I did not become a _Yahoo! I get to exercise_ person. All these many years later, I still don't like it much while I'm doing it, especially anything that gets me sweaty or out of breath. That didn't change and I don't expect it will. But that doesn't stop me from doing it regularly and frequently. Here's why:

\- I am committed to staying off sugar and flour and other demon foods. In order to do that, I have to manage my feelings (anger, disappointment, frustration, restlessness, you name it). Regular, frequent exercise of any sort makes that management so much easier.

\- I am committed to having a right-sized body. Regular, frequent exercise means I burn more calories every day. And gentle weight lifting adds muscle, which burns more calories than fat does. Those muscles also give our suddenly looser skin something to plump it up so we look better naked.

\- As someone who has spent much of her life self-medicating to avoid discomfort, I am committed to embracing it so that I don't have to be back in the food. Tolerating the minor discomfort of exercise and the occasional discomfort of my resistance to doing it is great practice. I acknowledge that I don't want to, that I don't like it, and then I go exercise. It's teaching me to respond in healthy ways to discomfort.

\- How could you use exercise to support your recovery from food addiction and compulsion?

\- What physical benefits could help you shift any resistance to creating an exercise practice?

\- What emotional benefits could help you let go of any resistance to creating a regular and frequent exercise habit?

Here's what I had to do to make this happen. I hope you'll consider these for yourself.

\- I had to accept that **a regular exercise practice is crucial for my well-being and my recovery** from food addiction and compulsion. I had to give up any notion that it is optional.

\- I had to **overcome any initial resistance** until my body got hooked on it. Once it did, I just had to respond to the signals, to satisfy my body's desire to get moving.

\- I accepted the idea that **any exercise is good exercise**. I didn't have to become a marathon runner or a bodybuilder to feel better. I just had to do something for a while most days.

\- I gave up the excuse that I didn't have time. The truth is that **we can always find 15-20 minutes** to walk, dance, stretch, do something.

\- I set aside the fact that I didn't enjoy it. I wish I did and I hope you will, but I do it anyway. And **I always feel better for it** , always.

\- For the last 15 years, **I've had a buddy who works out with me. She lives next door. She shows up three times a week and we go to the gym toget** her. We don't allow each other to give lame excuses (illness and travel and crucial appointments are it).

\- What forms of exercise, if any, have you enjoyed the past? Are you a team player (basketball), competitive (tennis or handball), or do you prefer solo experiences like running or walking?

\- What forms of exercise call to you? Zumba? Aerobics classes? Tango? Yoga? Tai Chi? Volleyball? Treadmill and gentle weights?

\- If you're adverse to exercise, what simple thing could you do to get started? How about a 10-minute walk at lunch or before dinner?

\- Who might be your gym buddy? A friend, a relative, a neighbor, a coworker? Keep asking until you find someone. It helps a lot that my gum buddy doesn't enjoy it anymore than I do but we are determined to be ambulatory at 80!

Can you make a commitment today to do regular exercise for the 4-6 months? At the end of that time, I suspect you'll be hooked! It's a wonderful gift to offer ourselves and our recovery.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 16: CREATING HEALTHIER RITUALS OF PLEASURE

As both an alcoholic and a food addict, I am no stranger to the rituals we create around our addictions. I had certain glasses I used when I was alone with my drinking. When I was with other people, I didn't care, but when I was alone, I used a special glass for wine and a different special glass for bourbon. The same was true of my passion for ice cream. I had a favorite spoon and a favorite bowl. I would sit in my favorite chair with the novel I was reading, then get everything just so. In many ways, these details were as important as the wine or the dessert. Why? Because these were the primary pleasures in my life. I focused all my soothing, all my relief on these rituals of pleasure.

My life wasn't all bad by any means, but my most reliable pleasures, my quickest relief, came from sweets. I got numb the fastest that way. And so that relief, that quick pleasure became welded together and at the same time became what I wanted most.

It isn't surprising that we associate the word _habit_ with addiction. We become habituated not only to the substance that has us hooked but also the _environment_ around it. That's why 12-Step programs encourage us to change our playmates, our playgrounds, and our playthings if we want long-term recovery. We need to let go of the habits that serve our addiction and establish new habits that serve our recovery.

\- What rituals or habits have you had around food that were part of your compulsion?

\- Special places to eat?

\- Special bowl or cup like I had?

\- Did you prefer a certain activity (reading, watching TV) while you ate your treats?

Abstinence doesn't mean that in recovery we give up our pleasure in our meals. While some recovering food addicts feel safest eating a fairly simple diet of the same foods (too much experimentation feels dangerous to them), I'm not one of those. I need my food to taste great and be a good source of pleasure. But it can't be the only source or even the main source of pleasure in my life anymore. My recovery isn't going to work if I put all my happiness eggs in that one basket.

Figuring out our new habits that bring us pleasure, or as I like to call them, _rituals of pleasure_ , can help us see where we can sweeten up our lives.

Here are some of the things I started to incorporate in my life.

**Sensual pleasures:** For many of us, some foods are very sensual pleasures. Ice cream and chocolate certainly were that for me. So we can look for other sensual pleasures and really register satisfaction when we encounter them (see Week 9 for more on satisfaction). Here are some of my favorites:

\- Clean soft sheets

\- Soft cotton clothing (I wear only fabrics that feel good against my skin)

\- Nice lotions to put on my skin

\- Ripe mangos, nectarines, peaches

\- Warm air and cool breezes

**Relaxing pleasures:** Eating lots of sugar and fat relaxed me. Those foods affected me like a drug and I used them that way. Now that I don't use food for that, I have to find other relaxing experiences. Here are some of my current relaxers:

\- Taking a shower at 5 pm and putting on my softie pajamas

\- Reading an absorbing novel

\- Doing handwork of some kind (needlepoint or knitting)

\- Coloring

\- Swinging on my porch swing with a cat by my side

\- Bubble baths

**Comforting pleasures:** There's no denying that when I'd had a bad day, I used food to comfort myself. Doing this is one of my earliest memories: stopping for candy on my way home from school or eating four slices of toast with butter and cinnamon sugar. In my case, it wasn't school I was comforting myself over. I loved school. It was home that I needed comforting about. So I'd get numb on my way home or as soon as I got there. I still feel the need for comfort now, but since I don't use food that way anymore, I'm learning to use other comforting pleasures.

\- Soft music, a cup of tea, and my journal. This is one of my most comforting activities.

\- Again, porch swing with cat. Comforts me every time.

\- Strolling through the neighborhood on a beauty watch (looking for everything of beauty)

\- Talking with a good friend and telling her exactly what's going on with me

\- Attending with care to my inner child by sitting and imagining her on my lap. I use my rocking chair for this. At least one cat usually joins us.

\- Turning my attention to listening and caring about what's happening with someone else.

\- Going to a 12-step meeting

\- What non-food sensual pleasures appeal to you?

\- What non-food relaxing pleasures can you imagine?

\- What new rituals of comfort can you adopt?

\- Choose one from each of the lists immediately above and give it a try.

There's a fourth category of pleasures in my life, what I call _less likely pleasures_. These are rather idiosyncratic and don't fall into any of the categories above. These are things we regularly like to do that make us feel better about ourselves or our environment. We may not even be conscious of the fact that they soothe us.

Here are some of mine:

**Organizing something.** I find it soothing to organize a drawer, a closet, the linens. I don't need to do much. One drawer is plenty but putting things in order makes me feel good.

**Tidying up.** I also find very small chores calming. I'm not talking about the major housecleaning efforts. Instead, I mean putting the dishes away out of the dishwasher. Clearing the top of my desk. Straightening the pictures on the wall. Changing the sheets on the bed. Sweeping the porch. If I'm restless or irritable, doing one of these seems to help a lot.

**Sending a card or a text to someone.** Everyone appreciates knowing we're thinking of them. When I need soothing, I'll text one of my nephews or a friend or I'll write a brief note to someone and put it in the mail.

**Walk around the block.** I live on a double block so a walk around it is actually 6 city blocs or a quarter mile. It takes less than five minutes and is great for shifting my mood.

\- What less likely pleasures can you think of for yourself? Can you do these with more consciousness of the soothing they bring?

It's important to remember that food is an immediate pleasure, a very quick and easy one, and that is part of its great seduction. Other pleasures take more time and effort but when we are committed to using them, the need for food will fade and we will be assured that we are taking care of ourselves in much healthier ways.

If you're finding it difficult to stay abstinent, consider finding more support for your journey, either through a group, a buddy, or a coach. Email me for resources: jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 17: GETTING QUICKLY CREATIVE IN THE KITCHEN

I've never been much of a cook. In my first serious relationship, my partner wanted a full meal at dinner each night: meat, starch, vegetable. To his credit, he cooked every other night but I got so tired of the need to come up with something interesting that when we parted six years later, I swore I would never be responsible for cooking dinner every night. So I became a fixer of meals, not a cook.

When I was active in my sugar addiction, I still ate real meals most of the time but I was pretty indifferent to what they were as I was always more interested in the sweets coming after. I had a strong preference for fat, salty foods, probably to offset the amazing amount of sugar and flour I was consuming. Pizza or burger and fries plus ice cream was my idea of a well-balanced meal.

Once I gave up all sweeteners and flours, I had to reconsider my relationship with cooking and the kitchen. At first I just stayed with the simplest of foods—a steamed vegetable, some kind of meat or fish, a big green salad, pieces of fruit. And for a couple of months, that was fine. But I started to recognize that I was needing more complex flavors and definitely more variety. And since I'm a great believer in the emotional satisfaction of using our creativity in all parts of our lives, I realized that I was missing an opportunity for some satisfying creative experiences in the kitchen.

Spend a little time with your journal, thinking and writing about the following ideas.

\- What has been your relationship with cooking in the past? Gourmet chef? Eat out and only snack at home? Love cooking? Find it a waste of time?

\- Do you cook just for yourself or for others? How might that impact your ability to eat a healthy diet? (We'll talk more about this in a later conversation.)

\- Do you feel safest eating the same foods or can you experiment to some extent with new ideas and still stay abstinent?

I made two serious attempts to get off sugar and wheat before I finally got fully into abstinence. There were two important learnings for me in these early failed efforts. One was that I had to give up all sugars/sweeteners and all processed grains/flours in order to stay abstinent. Just giving up white sugar and wheat wasn't going to do it. The second was that I began to learn how to cook interesting foods in a way that worked for me. I pretty quickly realized that if my food plan involved only meat/fish/beans, veggies, and fruit, I'd need to make some adjustments.

My mother, who dieted most of her life (and never gave up her obsession with Mr. Goodbars), always ate the same thing when she was trying to lose weight: oatmeal or grapefruit and toast for breakfast, cottage cheese and tomato slices for lunch, fish and salad for dinner. I realized later that she didn't trust herself around food. While I know clearly that I can't trust myself around sugar and flour, I want to be in a more peaceful relationship with other foods. And I want my meals to be delicious.

\- Are you afraid of food? Do you have trouble trusting yourself even around healthy food?

\- Are you willing to put a little effort and experimentation into having awesome meals?

\- Can you find a couple of hours a week for cooking?

Here are some of the ways I guarantee myself interesting, delicious meals that keep me off sugar and flour.

\- I shop once a week. I stay out of grocery stores the rest of the week. It keeps me from thinking and obsessing about food.

\- I shop with a list and meals in mind. My food plan calls for 21 servings of fruit, 21 servings (4 oz. each) of protein, 7 servings of carbohydrates at breakfast, and 140 oz of vegetables every week. I keep some frozen protein sources and frozen vegetables on hand, but I mostly eat fresh. Because I eat very little processed food, I only have a few things in cans or jars: safe condiments, a few vegetables in winter (canned organic green beans, black beans, artichoke hearts).

\- I read all labels very carefully. Sugars and flours are so pervasive that I don't want to be triggered by some hidden ingredient. It's a good idea to learn to recognize all the many names for sugars (https://authoritynutrition.com/56-different-names-for- sugar/) and flours (wheat, spelt, rice flour, rice starch, potato flour, potato starch).

\- I cook once a week. I spend about 30 minutes in the kitchen, preparing the following:

\- A crockpot vegetable soup (I add beans at the cooking time but no meat).

\- A big pan of cut-up vegetables. Sometimes I roast them with 2 tablespoons olive oil and seasonings. Sometimes I bake them with 1 cup broth and seasonings. Sometimes I steam them and add a jar of a safe but more exotic sauce like a curry or tomato sauce (always free of sugar).

\- Some weeks, I also cook greens (spinach or chard or kale) alone or with onions and garlic.

\- I roast chicken breasts or a whole chicken at the same time. I also purchase already cooked chicken or steak from a deli.

\- I tend to eat my lettuce-based salads shortly after purchase and heartier veggie salads (coleslaw or Trader Joe's 8 chopped vegetables are current favorites) later in the week.

Note: The preparation time for all this is less than 30 minutes, but I do have to be available to monitor the cooking of the veggies for the following 30-45 minutes so the whole cooking experience takes about 75 minutes at most. I store everything in glass containers in the refrigerator when it has cooled. I also don't make my own broth or salad dressings, etc. I'm just not interested in any more time in the kitchen.

All this once-a-week preparation means that I have great food ready for lunch and dinner at home or at work all week long. It takes only a few minutes to fix those meals. And since my breakfasts are pretty simple (oatmeal/yogurt/almonds/fruit or already cooked potatoes scrambled with eggs and herbs and fruit), I don't spend much time cooking at all and I eat fabulous food.

\- Which of the ideas above resonate with you?

\- What sort of dishes could you prepare once a week to help you stay on your food plan?

What keeps all this interesting and delicious for me is that I keep changing things up. I experiment, I combine, I get an idea and go with it. Not all of my experiments work out, but I'm not opposed to tossing out a dish that isn't very good. I keep cans of organic chili on hand for such occasions.

\- I use a beef broth in a soup and the next week a mushroom broth.

\- I'm learning what herbs and spices I like. I try combinations of spices; it seems a good investment.

\- Flavored olive oils are nice; I particularly like lime and lemon olive oils and what they do to vegetables.

\- Sometimes I have one vegetable roasted (cauliflower or zucchini); sometimes I include three or four in the roasting dish.

\- I use cooked veggies now as my pasta. A good Italian meat sauce over roasted veggies is fabulous.

\- I'll add chicken and chopped apple to coleslaw for a different kind of salad.

\- I'll add a small amount of dried prunes to veggies baked with chicken for a more exotic flavor.

\- I'll puree some of the roasted veggies with broth for a different kind of soup.

One of the great gifts for me of recovery from food addiction is the increased energy to be creative instead of thinking about my next sugar fix. And getting creative in the kitchen is a delicious way to go!

Know someone else who struggles with sugar or food? Send them an email link to the Live between Meals website: www.lifebetweenmealscoaching.com

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 18: MANAGING STRESS BY LETTING GO OF DRAMA

One of the most dangerous problems for those of us in recovery from food addiction is getting involved in emotional drama, our own or someone else's. Some of us are actually drama addicts, finding that we need extreme emotions to feel alive. Others of us are attracted to the drama of others so we can attempt to fix them (often with pitiful results) or blame them for our inability to stay abstinent ( _if you had a boss / husband / wife / sister / son / daughter like mine, you'd eat too_ ). And for some of us, getting involved in drama is just another habit, one that we can choose to let go of.

Most of us sugar and food addicts have a heightened sensitivity to dopamine, one of the major brain and mood chemicals. When we eat processed foods, especially sugars and flours, we get a huge spike in dopamine, which brings us a rush of pleasure. Then the dopamine falls back to normal or below normal and we want another spike, another rush. So we eat more sugar and flour.

In many of us, drama gives us the same rush, the same spike in dopamine. When I was in my 30s, I had been partnered for five years and our relationship was failing. In the last months, I got involved with a fellow grad student and we carried on a rather torrid affair. The drama of secrecy and hiding was hugely exciting. I didn't know at the time that this was dopamine but I know it now. I was addicted to that relationship and to its drama.

Drama can show up in all kinds of ways. It can be a big event, like having an affair or getting in an accident or getting fired. It can show up as small tedious patterns, like perpetual irritability or arguing with a spouse or family member, participating in gossip at work or with friends, or continually overdrawing our bank account. We can create drama by neglecting the needs of our kids, our pets, our cars (running out of gas a lot), and our own physical well-being so that drama ensues.

Take a few minutes and write about your relationship with drama.

\- Where does drama show up most often for you? At work? At home? In particular relationships?

\- Are you the instigator? Do you provoke drama actively (pick fights) or passively (do you do things you know annoy people)?

\- Are you involved with other drama addicts? These are usually people for whom nothing goes right. They tend to be hypercritical and very verbal about those criticisms, or they suffer in silence and then explode.

\- Do you actively engage in gossip about others?

\- Do you embellish the things that happen to you to make them more dramatic and more interesting? (This was one of my favorites.)

Don't feel bad if the questions above make you feel uncomfortable. They make us all uncomfortable. And I've had to answer yes to all the questions above. We can get involved with drama without even realizing that's what we're doing. We addicts are really good at creating lives that support our need to self-medicate with food. That life, that environment contains a lot of stresses and we get so used to them that they seem normal. They are just what is.

But if we're serious about recovery, about recovering our health, our sanity, and our freedom to live addiction-free, then that recovery calls us to examine all the parts of our life, the parts that work and the parts that don't work so that we can create a life that supports our recovery. That includes the stresses we can eliminate.

\- Which dramas in your life could you eliminate with relative ease?

\- Are there topics of conversation that you could avoid with certain family members or friends? If the topics are inevitable (money discussions with spouse or time issues with kids come to mind), can you create a more neutral environment in which to discuss those things?

\- If there are occasions with family members or friends that usually end in drama, could you say no to attending them? This includes holiday events that are often fraught with their own drama.

\- If you work in a toxic environment, can you find another job? If you can't leave, how can you protect your well-being in that job? Do you need to speak up to protect yourself? Do you need to report bad behavior to the HR person? Or do you need to stay out of certain conflicts and hold your peace?

\- Is neglect creating unnecessary drama in your life? Do you need to declutter your environment? Take better care of your home or your pets or your car?

Like many of the changes we need to make in recovery, we can deal with our drama bit by bit. Of course, we can make a clean sweep of things: change jobs, get a divorce, disown our kids (just kidding). But quick radical shifts are not advised for those of us in recovery because they can send us right back to the food. So we take it slow and consider what's most in our way of being at peace with food and with ourselves and make changes there.

We can seek help from professionals if we need it. We can talk to our therapist about the big issues. If we don't like our therapist, we can find someone we do like, someone who is a real support for the changes we need to make. If we're in a 12-step program, we can talk over these issues with our sponsor. If we have a life coach, we can bring these issues to our agenda for change. We can share our need for that change with safe family members and friends, those who want the best for us.

Here are some of the drama generators that we often have to take on changing in recovery. Perhaps some of these ideas will be helpful for you.

**Friends and coworkers:** When it comes to relationships, it's often easier to start by shifting the relationships that lie in the outer circles of our lives. If you have drama queen acquaintances, friends, or coworkers, you can start by easing them out of your life. Say "no thank you" to their invitations. Spend your time with peaceful people instead.

**Finances:** It's important for us addicts to stay out of money stress. If you have debts, make it a priority to pay them have. If you don't have enough income for your lifestyle, begin investigating a different job, more work, less spending. Week 22 takes an in-depth look at money stress.

**Work:** If you work for yourself like I do, you can begin to develop a good sense of which clients are going to be dramatic clients and just say no. It took me some trial and error but I had to admit that every time my intuition said "don't say yes" and I didn't listen, I was really sorry. Then I started listening and said no whenever I got that feeling. If you work in an office or other multi-employee environment, you can minimize your contact with dramatic others. As the Serenity Prayer says, change the things you can and accept the rest.

**Environment:** Tidy up and repair your environment as best you can so it supports your peace of mind. Take good care of your car, your tools, and your electronics.

**Your body:** Weight loss may not be the only thing you need to attend to. Get regular checkups with your doctor and dentist. See a physical therapist if you have structural or mobility issues. Don't let any minor issues become dramatic big ones.

Impatient as we may be, we can give ourselves time to change these habits. We didn't build this self-medicating life overnight and we won't be able to create the new life overnight either. But we can start today to move in the direction of peace over drama.

Need help figuring out where to start? Email me for a free half-hour of coaching: jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 19: BUILDING A DEPENDABLE LIFE

Many of us stay in addiction because it's safe. It's awful, it's terrible, it's miserable, and it's safe. We know exactly what our lives are going to be like. We may talk about how we would like something different and most of us say we want freedom, but the truth is that we are terrified of the uncertainty that recovery can bring.

This fear makes no sense to a non-addict. Why wouldn't we want to break our chains and step into the sunlight from those darkened rooms of corn chips and ice cream and sitcoms? Because we're human, that's why, and for many humans, maybe even most, the miserable familiar feels a lot safer to us than the unknown, even if that unknown could be fabulous.

What's more, many addicts have had bad experiences with happiness and we aren't so trusting when times are good. Maybe we had an unpredictable parent whose mood shifted in a nanosecond. Maybe the bottom fell out of our seemingly happy life when our parents got divorced or someone very close to us died. Maybe the marriage we thought would last forever didn't.

Some of us experienced other traumas: beatings, molestation, neglect. We may have used up all our courage in just trying to survive. We learned to play it safe.

Write in your journal about any of the following. Take your time. This can be hard work.

\- Were there specific experiences in your childhood or teen years that pushed you in the direction of self-medicating with food?

\- Did you turn to any other addictions or compulsions to keep yourself safe?

\- What does "being safe" mean to you now? How is continuing to eat compulsively keeping you safe? (It does, you know.)

So how can we be brave now? How can we find the trust and willingness to move into something unpredictable when everything in us screams DON'T DO THAT!

One way is to start by building a healthy, predictable structure for our abstinent life. Regular bedtimes, regular meal times, regular exercise, regular connection with people who want the best for us. That structure can provide a dependable framework we can count on.

Here's what my structure looks like:

**\- Going to bed and getting up at about the same time each day, including weekends.** I learned this in the treatment center when I got sober. Addiction loves chaos; recovery loves regularity. With very few exceptions (early morning travel, a late night at the theater), I go to bed about 10:30 and get up about 6 (a little earlier in the summer when it gets light so early and a little later in the winter when it gets light so late).

**\- Walking or going to the gym most days within the first two hours of the day (otherwise, it doesn't happen).** Of all the good habits I've picked up, this one has made the biggest difference. See Week 15 for more on this.

**\- Planning my grocery shopping so I always have the right foods on hand.** I never used to shop with a grocery list, only with a vague notion of looking for good things to eat. Now I check my fridge and pantry on Tuesday nights (I shop on Wednesdays) and decide on proteins, fruits, and vegetables for the next week. I'm nervous if I don't have the things I need on hand (a holdover, I'm sure, from active addiction where I had to keep my stash of demon foods on hand), but I just accept now that's part of how I roll and I can use it to my advantage to keep healthy food available.

**-** _Shopping only once a week so that I limit my exposure to demon foods._ Staying out of grocery stores and convenience stores, which are full of demon foods prominently displayed, is a wise idea for me. I shop once a week and that's it. If I need something between Wednesdays, I make do.

**\- I connect at least once a week with my best friends, preferably in person.** I also text and call them from time to time in between, and I share my Grid Diary writings (a cool free app) with two of them every night. My addiction wants me isolated and lonely, so staying in touch and being known in my best and worst places is critical for me.

**\- I go to a 12-Step meeting most weeks.** 12-Step meetings are one of the safest places I know and they are also places where courage and bravery are modeled every day because people are doing the seemingly impossible: staying off their drug of choice. All 12-step meetings offer this safety.

\- What might your own dependable, predictable life look like? Come up with at least three concrete ideas that you could do with reasonable ease.

\- Who, besides yourself, might stand in your way in creating this life?

\- Who would support you in doing so?

\- How might you increase your willingness to make one of these changes?

When we are in active addiction, most of us can only count on ourselves to do one thing: self-medicate with food. To move fully into recovery and stay there, we have to become dependable; we have to trust ourselves to make the right choices and stay on the path. Creating a dependable life supports our recovery.

Creating that life requires breaking the vicious cycle of fatigue, depression, and self- loathing. And that can be very hard. We get mired in such a low place when we are using, when we don't believe we can change. This is where we have to "act as if" as the 12 Steps say. We have to pretend we can and take tiny steps in the right direction. We can set an alarm and get up. We can turn off the TV at 9 pm and do the dishes. We can walk twice around the block rain or shine. We can build trust with ourselves. We can.

If you found this conversation helpful, more such support is available at www.lifebetweenmealscoaching.com, including other conversations and personalized coaching.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 20: GETTING ENGAGED IN LIFE AND STAYING THAT WAY

One of the biggest changes I had to make as I moved into long-term abstinence from self-medicating was to find new forms of satisfaction. I had been so reliant on food to take care of anything I didn't want to feel. Bored? Eat something. Restless? Eat something. Sad? Eat something? Unhappy? Eat something. That was my response to everything.

Once I gave up sugar and flour, I found that I couldn't numb myself into a nap so easily anymore when I had an empty afternoon. The nutritious food I was eating gave me a lot more energy and alertness. TV also didn't work very well. A lot of the shows seemed stupid and boring when I wasn't sluggish from sugar and flour and fat. And while talking things out with a close friend or my journal could help with sad and unhappy, they weren't much good for bored or restless. So I had to begin to find other ways to engage my mind and my feelings or I knew I would return to food.

I've long been a believer that we are all highly creative. And addicts are probably among the most creative people alive. It takes enormous creativity to keep our addictions going: to get enough of our substance of choice, to hide it from others, to hide the evidence, to pretend we're okay. We are great actors and storytellers. We can make up excuses in an instant. When we step into recovery, we can take that available creativity and use it for our new sweeter lives.

What are some of the ways you've been creative in maintaining your addiction to food?

\- How have you managed to have enough on hand?

\- To keep others from knowing about your addiction?

\- What kinds of excuses have you made up?

\- How have you pretended to be okay when you weren't?

What characteristics are reflected in the efforts you just wrote about?

\- Perseverance?

\- Persistence?

\- Problem-solving?

\- Ingenuity?

\- Others?

What are some ways you could channel those characteristics and that energy in healthier directions? (There are no wrong answers here.)

Many of the gazillion books on the market on creativity admonish us to think back to childhood and the creative activities that we most enjoyed, explaining that we can find clues there to things we might enjoy as adults. At first, I wasn't sure that was true. I didn't remember doing a lot of creative things when I was little. But in 1990, I discovered some coloring books meant for adults (they had finely detailed images of Japanese warriors) and I bought colored pencils and fine tip markers and had a wonderful time with them. Those first coloring experiences as an adult led me to consider a drawing class and then a painting class and then I started painting for fun and got so much pleasure out of it, so much satisfaction, that I started painting a lot and getting so much pleasure from it that I eventually created studio space so I could paint every day without a big hassle.

My writing practice also has its roots in my childhood. I wrote little stories as a preteen (I still have one of those notebooks), and in 2002 I took a writing workshop and rediscovered that I was a story teller. Since then I've been writing steadily and it's a very satisfying part of my leisure time.

Childhood interests have led friends of mine who enjoyed playing in the dirt and mud to become gardeners or potters. Other women I know who made paper doll clothes have moved on to quilting. There's an artist in each one of us. Maybe not a professional artist but an artist nonetheless, a heart and mind and soul that wants to express beauty and joy, that wants to engage fully in life and make something of it.

What childhood pleasures did you have that might be worth engaging in again?

What other creative activities have crossed your mind in the last decades as possibly worth exploring for yourself?

Our early experiences can also put us back in touch with the feelings and sense of engagement we want to recapture: wonder, joy in the doing, freedom from the inner critic, playfulness, curiosity, full-on doing without much thinking. Creativity can be a chance to step away from the hamster wheel of negative thinking, of remorse, of if- only's. When we get absorbed in what we are doing, the world and its complications can recede, leaving us deeply engaged in the now.

It can also offer us a place where we can goof off. Recovery can be very serious business. After all, we're trying to change our lives here; in fact, we're trying to save our lives. Finding a playful creative outlet can let us loosen up our grip and just have fun.

Here are some ways to keep your creative endeavors low key and supportive rather than stressful. Remember that you're looking for a fun pastime, not a new profession.

Choose something that's simple to set up and clean up.

\- A coloring book with colored pencils or markers is perfect for this. The wealth of adult coloring books now on the market makes it possible to find images that you will enjoy creating.

\- Creating collages in a journal (gluing images and shapes to create new images) is also easy; all you need are images, some colored papers (I love origami papers), a good pair of scissors, and a glue stick. You can keep all your materials in a shoe box for easy transport and clean-up.

Choose something that doesn't take a lot of time.

\- If you've ever thought about writing stories, here's a simple and quick idea. Write a story start in 10 minutes. Find an object in your home (any object will do, even a q-tip) and set a timer and start a story that includes that object. When the 10 minutes is up, stop. The next time you write, start another story with another object.

\- Get a package of 3x5 or 4x6 cards and do a 5-minute pencil or pen drawing. By the time you've done 100 cards, you will be so much better at it, you won't believe it.

\- Write a poem on a 3x5 card.

Choose a larger project that you can easily work on a little bit at a time.

\- Handwork, such as knitting, crochet, embroidery, or needlepoint, is perfect for this. You can spend a few minutes or work on it while you watch a TV show. There are lots of good YouTube videos that will show you how. You can buy inexpensive yarns in great colors in any superstore and you don't need much more to get started.

The main thing is get engaged in some creative activity, something that pleases you, something that satisfies you and helps you keep your mind off food.

If you found this conversation helpful, many more ideas are available in my book _Sober Play: Using Creativity for a More Joyful Recovery_.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 21: HONESTY IS THE ONLY POLICY

Being an active addict is one of the loneliest situations I have experienced. It doesn't matter whether we live with others, work with others, or spend time with others. We walk around in a closed world of obsession with what we are and are not eating and whether we will have enough and if anybody knows our secret or suspects how much we hate ourselves. Often when we're with others, we're pretending to be okay, pretending we're not thinking about food and wishing we were alone with it.

When we are with others, we don't connect with them well or even much at all. We can't because we are obsessed with our primary relationship: food. One of the big ironies is that we are self-medicating with food because we are lonely, because we aren't being known and seen for our tender selves. Most of us are afraid to be seen and yet we desperately want to be seen.

So why can't we just reach out? Because doing so would require a level of honesty that most of us gave up on long ago.

Many of us started lying to ourselves and others early in our food addiction. I learned at age 9 that I couldn't admit to my mother that I was eating four pieces of toast with butter and sugar after school every day. I knew it was excessive. I knew there was something wrong with that much food (and then eating dinner), but I couldn't tell the truth about it or express my concern to her or anyone else. So I never made all four pieces at once. I made one and ate it and made another and ate it so that if she came in or any of my siblings did, I'd just be eating a piece of toast.

This was a pattern of dishonesty around food that settled into my brain. I couldn't admit to anyone that I was eating so much, so I had to make it look like I wasn't, all the while worrying that there was something seriously wrong with me.

Spend 20-30 minutes writing about these questions in your journal:

\- What dishonest patterns did you develop around your addiction to sugar and food?

\- Did you hide it?

\- Did you lie about who the food was for?

\- Did you lie about how much you were eating?

\- Did you lie about your weight?

Dishonesty is a fundamental part of addiction. It's not some personal failing on your part or mine. It goes with the disease. Nothing is more important than getting our next fix. Nothing is more important than getting numb from our feelings. We'll do just about anything to make sure that happens and lying is just part of the deal.

But as with other aspects of our behavior, recovery requires us to give up that old habit of lying and excuses and justifications and asks us to be honest. Not sort of honest or sometimes honest but always honest.

\- Where are you honest in your life now? Where could you be more honest?

\- When you think about being honest all the time, what feelings come up for you?

So what are we talking about when we say honest **all the time**? First, we have to become honest with ourselves.

**We have to know at all times what we are doing with food.** No more not paying attention or acting out of unconscious habit. We have to make conscious and deliberate choices:

\- At meal times

\- When we snack, if we choose to do that

\- When we grocery shop

\- When we eat out

\- When we meet friends for coffee

\- When we travel

\- At the holidays and other social events

\- At work and in the break room

\- Driving in our cars

\- Anyplace food is available to us

**We have to know what we are consuming and how much.** To that end, many of us in recovery choose to weigh and measure our food. I don't count calories. That's not helpful for me; however, a clear knowing of quantity is. This is also a key to weight loss if that is something we want. But I find it is just as important for keeping myself honest. It's not that I'm all that concerned about one more almond or another bite of cheese. I'm not rigid in what I eat. But I can so easily go from a few to a handful because I am inclined to overeat. It's how I got really fat, so now to stay in a right- sized body, I have to be aware of what I'm doing.

\- What comes up for you when you think about weighing and measuring your food?

\- What might it be like to follow a food plan instead of a free-for-all of whatever you want?

\- How might that change how you shop? The kind of meals you eat? The kind of food preparation you do?

\- If you've weighed and measured your food before, why did you stop? What worked and what didn't?

**We also have to know why we are eating. What's more, we need to consciously choose to eat—every time.** Understanding our motivations and actions is another part of the honesty we need to embrace. For those of us in recovery from food addiction, our reason for eating comes down to one safe thing: eating to fuel our life between meals. For me, all other reasons for eating are suspect. They are part of my addiction and I'm doing my best to leave them behind.

\- I don't eat because I am hungry. Hunger too often comes out of other feelings for me, like sadness, anger, and boredom.

\- I don't eat because it's something to do. Eating is no longer a way to pass the time, to fill the void.

\- I don't eat to reward myself or treat myself.

I eat because it is time for a meal, time for fuel. I eat great food, delicious food, food I really enjoy. But that is not **why** I eat; that is **what** I eat. There's only one reason why I eat: to fuel my life between meals. This may sound restrictive to you but for me, it's a much needed simplification. I don't think about food a lot any more. I plan my meals, I eat them, I enjoy them. I get on with my life.

\- Make a list of all the reasons you've been eating. Take your time with this. It may be a long list and you may want to add to it.

\- What feelings come up for you if you think about only eating for fuel?

Consider taking on one of the practices below as you move towards complete honesty with yourself around food.

**Don't eat between meals.** No snacks. No samples at the store. No BLTs (bites, licks, tastes). Just meals.

**Eat only what's on your meal plan.** If your plan doesn't include sugar of any kind or flour of any kind, like mine does, don't eat any. Just don't.

**Don't eat anything you didn't plan to eat.** Write out what you plan to eat the night before. Then eat that and only that.

**Keep track of how much you eat.** Weighing and measuring our food is the easiest way to do this. Don't worry if you're not ready to under-eat for weight loss. It helps to get in the habit of weighing and measuring our food. Just weigh.

In abstinence, we can't fudge (pun intended). We just can't. We have to be honest with our food and our food behaviors. It's the only way to peace.

Need support to make these changes? Contact me about a free half-hour of coaching. jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 22: ADDRESSING THE STRESSES OF MONEY

We don't usually think of money as related to our addiction to sugar and other foods. Gambling addiction, sure. Drugs, probably. But ice cream and donuts? No way. And that's probably true. Because sweets and other demon foods are purposefully cheap in our culture, the expense of maintaining that habit is seldom a financial disaster.

But money worries are one of the most serious stresses in most of our lives, and any serious stress can keep us eating trigger foods to numb our anxiety. In order to create a sweeter life between meals, one without the need to get numb, we will do well to put our finances in order.

\- How would you characterize your current relationship with your money? Conscious or unconscious? Considered or spontaneous?

\- Are you doing well or just scraping by?

\- What did you learn from your parents or other family members about money and how to care for it?

\- What kind of relationship would you like to have with money?

Here are some of the things that I have put into place in my recovery to reduce stress and create more peace of mind around money.

I keep track of my spending.

While I've always had a decent sense of where I stand with money, it's only been the last few years that I've gotten serious about keeping track. Doing so has made things much less stressful.

I get receipts for everything now, and I put them in a single folder when I come home each day. Then once a month, I sort them and tally up the categories that I've created on an Excel spreadsheet; you can also use Quickbooks or Quicken or even a little notebook. You can set up the Excel program to tally them for you or you can tally with a calculator. Then I file the grouped receipts in named folders.

I actually have two spreadsheets, one for my tax-deductible business expenses and one for my personal expenses. This makes doing my taxes each spring so much easier.

Other people I know keep a little notebook with them and write down each purchase as they buy it. I found this too tedious and I kept forgetting (and I still had to do the tallies), but I quickly got in the habit of the receipts, of sticking them in the file, and tallying them up each month (it takes about 15 minutes).

I balance my checkbook.

I record all checks, deposits, and debit card transactions in my checkbook. Then once a month, I print out the statement from the bank and check their records against mine. Banks do make mistakes and so do I.

Lots of people don't do this anymore, but I find it's another support for my peace of mind. It doesn't take long (30 minutes a month at most) and it helps me keep track of what's coming in and what's going out. I record my month-end balance in my checking account on my spreadsheet under Net Worth. I also record my income on the spreadsheet.

I know how much money I have.

On the bottom of my spread sheet, I keep track of all that I have. I record the monthly totals from my checking account, my savings account, and the balances of CDs and retirement accounts.

I stay out of debt.

When I first got into recovery, I was in serious credit card debt. I'd been overspending for years. Not on big ticket items (like new cars or toys) but on taking vacations I couldn't really afford and buying stuff I didn't need. You know the drill. It had all added up to about $8,000 of debt. Some of the wisest advice I got was from my first financial planner, who told me to make paying off my credit cards my highest financial priority. "Don't start saving until you're out of debt," he said. "Credit card interest takes away far more than savings interest puts in."

I followed his advice. I cut back on my spending and for two years, I lived pretty lean and I got out from under those cards. Now I have only one card and I pay it off every month.

**I have an emergency fund (** _a prudent reserve_ **).**

After I got out of debt, that same wise financial planner encouraged me to begin setting aside the equivalent of six months of living expenses. Of course, I first had to figure out what that was so I started by saving six months' worth of rent on my apartment. Then I added six months' worth of food for me and the cats and six months' worth of utilities, including the phone, to that account. Because I was keeping track of what I was spending in all categories, I could easily distinguish the "luxuries" (clothes, shoes, flowers and plants, for example) from the necessities (dentist, medical copay, car insurance, etc.). It took me about three years to save all this, but the relief I felt knowing that I'd be okay even if I got sick or injured and couldn't work for six months was amazing.

I know I can pay for unforeseen expenses.

If you've got pets or kids or a car or appliances or electronics, you can count on unforeseen expenses for emergency visits to the vet, the doctor, the dentist, the repair guy. What's more, no matter how careful we are with our possessions, they wear out. You eventually have to repaint or get a new sofa.

I save for big purchases.

Right now I'm saving for two things: a trip abroad next spring. I won't go until I have saved all I need.

\- Which of these practices seem like a good fit for your life?

\- Which ones could help relieve stress and bring you more peace?

\- How might you go about getting started?

Getting Support: Creating a Money Group

Just as we can use support in our recovery from food addiction, we can use support to change our relationship with money from one of stress to one of confidence and comfort. My money practices took a big leap forward when I formed a small Women and Money group.

Six of us (friends or acquaintances) got together once a month on a late Sunday morning. We read some books together (see below) although we read at our own pace. We focused on spending, earning, and saving (the complexities of investing were too daunting). We did not have the same specific goals, just a mutual desire to get more knowledgeable and confident with our money. Each month we committed to individual tasks and then reported on them the next month.

Ten years later, this group is still going though some of the women have "graduated" by meeting their goals or moving on. One woman cleared more than $30,000 of credit card debt in four years. Another sold her house and retired at the beach. Some have dropped out because they didn't want to change how they were doing things. That's okay too. Those of us who've stayed still follow the principles and each in our own way.

\- How might having a money group support your efforts to know more and be more confident about money?

\- Who do you know who might join you?

\- Would you be willing to host such a group?

Our Women and Money group has read several books. Again, we don't read them necessarily together. We just have all read them. You might find some of them helpful too.

_The Soul of Money_ by Lynne Twist. A wonderfully encouraging book about our culture of scarcity and how to shift out of it.

_Your Money or Your Life_ by Vicki Robbins. A classic work on getting the freedom you want in life by spending less and working less.

_Women and Money_ by Suze Orman. A great guide to what women need to know and do to protect themselves around money matters.

Whatever steps you can take to reduce your stresses around money will serve you well, not just in recovery from addiction but in having a sweeter life. Start slow, take small steps, and find support.

Need support to make these changes? Contact me about a free half-hour of coaching. jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 23: CULTIVATING A HABIT OF SPEAKING UP FOR OURSELVES

Emotional issues are at the heart of addictive eating for almost all of us. At some point, often early, we learned that expressing our feelings was not a good idea. Maybe it was even dangerous. We were sad or lonely or scared or mad, all the emotions that we humans experience, but we didn't learn how to just be with them and let them pass through. Instead we suffered them in silence or stuffed them down and pretended they weren't happening. Many of us have continued to do that, inadvertently fueling our food addiction.

My family taught a kind of fanatical self-sufficiency, and emotional conversations were neither welcomed nor tolerated. So I've had to build that emotional and sharing part of myself in recovery. For some of us, it was also made clear that what we wanted or needed was not important. Maybe our families couldn't give it to us; maybe they wouldn't. But we learned that asking was not helpful.

\- How did your family handle feelings when you were growing up? Were you encouraged to talk about them? Were you listened to and comforted?

\- If not, how did you handle them?

\- If you eat over your feelings, when did this start?

\- Which of your feelings are most likely to trigger bingeing or overeating?

In order to have strong recovery from food addiction, we have to learn to do all this differently. It's not easy. In fact, it may be among the most difficult changes that lie ahead of us. But we can take it one step at a time and step into a life where we can safely feel our feelings and share them with others. Here are some new behaviors we can begin practicing.

We can ask a trusted person to listen when we are in pain.

One of the critical supports we need in recovery is someone we can trust to hear anything we have to say. This is why 12-Step programs encourage their members to work with a sponsor. The sponsor is not only someone who can show you the ropes of recovery, but it's also someone you can trust to listen without judgment to whatever you need to say. Everybody needs someone they can do this with, but those of us in recovery need it even more. Addiction is an isolating, secretive experience, and we need to come out of the shadows in some safe way and talk about our stuff.

Finding the right person may take time, but chances are you know someone you can get started with. Maybe it's a friend or a coworker. Maybe it's your therapist or spiritual director. Maybe it's your life coach. Maybe it's a family member although sometimes those relationships are part of the problem. Here are some ways we can learn to do this:

_We can check in with somebody every day._ At first, this was my sponsor. Then as I built friendships in recovery, I'd agree to be on the phone with a friend every day. I'd ask her about herself, and in turn, she'd ask me. We always ended the conversation by asking "Do you need anything else from me?"

_We can start by sharing the positive things we're feeling._ As our abstinence progresses, we start feeling better. We became calmer, more peaceful, happier. It's healing for us to recognize those good feelings and really acknowledge them.

_We can move on to sharing physical concerns._ And we can do this in a matter-of- fact way and without complaining. "How was your day?" "Oh, I had a headache part of the day but I'm handling it okay."

_Once we've built up trust and comfort in speaking to the person, we can share our more troubling feelings._ Just as with our physical concerns, we can accept that everybody has sad/mad/restless/bored/irritable times and share them in a matter-of-fact way. And of course, if something truly tragic has happened, we share that in whatever way brings us the most relief.

\- Whom do you know that you could connect with most days?

\- Is there someone in your life you'd like to develop such a relationship with?

\- How might you ask them to be your feelings buddy? (Sometimes the direct approach is the easiest way.)

We can ask for what we need—and want.

Many of us have expected our partners, lovers, friends, and family to be mind readers, to know what we need without our having to say anything. This might have worked when we were small children, but it doesn't work as adults. We have to speak up for ourselves.

Some of us have to first figure out what we want. The life of an addict is often a life of reaction instead of action. We go along with a lot we don't want just as long as we can stay numb. Once we get abstinent and begin to heal, we may have some difficulty articulating what we want and need. But that's no reason not to practice figuring it out and asking for it.

Here are some of the things that I'm learning to ask for:

\- More time to make a decision or respond to an invitation

\- Exactly what I need for a meal in a restaurant even if it isn't on the menu

\- Solitude or company, depending on what I need

\- An explanation when I don't understand

\- Someone to listen to me when I need to be heard

\- Someone to help me when I can't do something by myself

\- Sympathy and comfort when I'm feeling lost and lonely

\- Hugs

\- How do you feel about asking for what you want and need?

\- Is there someone safe you could practice with?

\- If you ask and the other person says no, how can you safely handle any disappointment?

We can say no.

One of the more crucial changes in speaking up for ourselves is learning to say no. This can be very hard for those of us in recovery because addiction carries a huge burden of shame. We feel ashamed of what we eat and when we eat and how much we eat, and we carry that shame over into intense feelings of unworthiness. With that unworthiness comes a sense that we get what we deserve, even terrible treatment from others.

In recovery, we come to know deep down that we aren't bad or worthless because we ate the way we did. We accept that addiction is an illness, not a moral failing. With that awareness comes an increasing belief that we deserve to treat ourselves well and to be treated well by others. We also come to know that we always have choice.

Here are some of the things we can say no to:

\- Any unwanted physical contact

\- Requests to loan or give someone money

\- Requests to do things that will be stressful for us

\- Invitations to events that we know will serve demon foods

\- Invitations to events that we're sure we won't enjoy

\- Invitations to family gatherings if our family relationships are stressful (one woman I know couldn't stay abstinent until she stopped going to Sunday dinner at her mother's)

\- Responsibilities that aren't ours to take on

\- Obligations belonging to others that make our lives more stressful and complicated

\- Extra responsibilities at work that aren't compensated

\- Anything that feels wrong or "off" to us

\- Where in your life do you need to be saying no more often?

\- Whom do you need to say no to?

\- What benefits to your sweeter life between meals can you imagine if you spoke up for yourself every time?

Like so many things in our recovery, speaking up for ourselves is a practice. It may seem daunting at first, but each time we talk about our feelings, each time we ask for what we need, each time we say no makes the next time that much easier.

I'd love to hear how you're doing. Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comand let's connect.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 24: FOOD TRIGGERS, FOOD TRIPPING, AND FOOD PORN, OH MY!

One of the major goals for many of us in recovery from sugar and food addiction is to simplify our relationship with food. We want food to move to the background of our lives and not be front and center as it has been for so many years. Abstinence, however we define it, is one of the most effective ways to do this. But instead of creating a list of the things we don't eat, we can focus on the things we can eat in order to safely maintain our neutrality about food.

Here are some steps we can take to keep our relationship with food simple.

\- We can eat only the things on our food plan.

\- We can weigh and measure our foods.

\- We can stay out of stores and eateries that serve foods we binge on.

\- We can shop with a list and buy only what is on the list.

\- If we live with others, we can ask that they store and consume demon foods away from us when possible.

\- Is your current relationship with food simple or complicated?

\- If it's simple, how are you managing that?

\- If it's complicated, how could you simplify it?

\- Which of the steps above could you take? What others can you think of?

Identifying Our Triggers

So what can we safely eat? One of the complications of recovery from food addiction, of course, is that abstinence is not simple. Alcoholics can refrain from alcohol, drug addicts can abstain from mood-altering drugs, gambling addicts can stop playing any kind of game for money. But not only do we food addicts have to eat but the foods that are problematic for us can be as individual as the reasons why we are self-medicating with food. So we each have to identify our triggers.

I know from decades of struggle that sugar is a trigger for me. Consuming it in any form creates an almost irresistible craving for more. I could go a few weeks or even months without it and become convinced I was cured. Then I'd have a small piece of cake or some ice cream at a party and have to stop and get more ice cream and cookies and candy on my way home, even if it was the middle of the night.

What I didn't know for a long time was that flour of any sort and other pulverized or processed grains (rice flour, corn meal, potato starch, etc.) are part of the problem for me as well; in fact, they are just as strong a trigger for me as sugar. In my body and brain—and in those of many of us, processed grains act like sugar because they are simple carbohydrates. It wasn't until I gave up all sugars and all processed grains that the worst of my cravings subsided and I could maintain sanity around food.

But the triggers don't always stop with these big groups of foods, and we have to pay attention to other foods that may tempt us to eat more than we need or that activate our cravings. Here are some other triggers people have mentioned to me:

**\- Nuts and nut butters.** For some of us, it's one particular nut; for others, it's all nuts. I'm fine with all nuts and nut butters except salted cashews. I can't leave them alone. For some it's salted nuts but unsalted are fine. It may be our association with nuts as a snack food (which food addicts often eat in unmeasured quantities) or it may be the high fat content that slows us down or numbs us that is part of their appeal.

**\- Coffee.** Many sugar addicts drink their coffee with milk and sugar (or a flavored latte) and this is a hard habit to break, for several reasons. First, this combination is just this side of ice cream. Second, caffeine is an addictive substance and it has its own unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. Third, our drinking of coffee is a highly ritualized habit, and when we combine frequency with ritual, the habit is particularly strong. Tea with milk and sugar can create the same problem.

**\- Any wholesome foods already associated with snacking.** For example, hummus is a healthy food but some addicts have been eating hummus with a full bag of corn chips and the association of the two is a miserable trigger.

**\- Tropical fruits.** Mango, pineapple, papaya, figs, and dates are problematic for many of us, due to the higher sugar and lower fiber content. Many of us choose apples and berries instead as less triggering fruits. Some addicts, however, are triggered by all fruit sugars and must be very sparing in their use of it in their diet.

**\- Dried fruits.** The drying process concentrates the sugars in these fruits and that can make them irresistible to sugar addicts. The only dried fruit that I've found to be safe for me are prunes and only in a cooked dish with chicken and zucchini. My portion will only have 2-3 prunes and their flavor is wonderful and their sugar mitigated by all the other foods in the dish.

\- What foods trigger you to overeat at a meal?

\- What snack foods do you find irresistible (you can't eat just one)?

\- Are there healthy foods that you can't eat in moderation?

\- Do you have a dependence on flavored coffee drinks or sodas? Are you willing to give them up?

\- What activities or behaviors do you associate with overeating or bingeing? How might you avoid them?

\- How willing are you to shift away from these triggers?

Giving up Food Tripping

In addition to increasing our awareness of what foods trigger us, some of us need to become aware of our tendency to fall into food tripping, or fantasizing about food. Of course, most of us wouldn't call it that. We'd call it "planning," but if we're practicing abstinence and eating a committed number of meals and snacks each day, there isn't a lot of extra planning needed.

In the days of our active addiction, as we got hungry or bored or restless, we'd daydream about the next meal or what we might stop and get for dinner or what kind of new pastries were available at the shop down the street. On the drive home from work, we'd be thinking about how much of that favorite gelato was in the freezer or if we had all the ingredients for a batch of brownies and enough time to make them. On the treadmill at the gym, we'd calculate the calories and fat grams in our current favorite pizza and figure out how many slices we could order.

In recovery, we have to let this thinking go. This is where preplanning our meals for a day or a week at a time and committing them to another person is so helpful. Beyond knowing clearly what is safe to eat to avoid triggers and craving, we can decide in advance on our meals (and perhaps do considerable preparation to make follow- through really easy) and then not think about food until the next meal.

If you're new to recovery, this may feel like a stifling of your creativity. But it may be that you are confusing creativity with spontaneity. To strengthen our recovery, we give up spontaneity with food. In return, we get safety and support for freedom from obsession.

\- What daydream or food-tripping habits did you develop in your addiction?

\- How might meal planning and committing your food help you break those habits?

\- What else could you think about when you find yourself daydreaming about the good old days of food free-for-all?

\- Might you be able to switch to gratitude for your freedom from the chains of addiction?

The Dangers of Food Pornography

Some food addicts take food-tripping to another level; they become food porn addicts. They have big collections of cookbooks, especially the coffee table picture book kind. They subscribe to gourmet and other cooking and recipe magazines. They spend hours watching cooking shows from simple how-to demonstrations to professional chef competitions. They also spend hours searching the Internet, especially Pinterest, for ideas and tips and new dishes that they can make or think about making.

Like most hobbies, things we do occasionally are not a problem. But recovering food addicts are not safe surrounded by images of food. And hours spent looking at food, thinking about food, imagining food is not a good use of our time. Just as wine tours are not a good idea for the recovering alcoholic or dinner at a casino is a not a good idea for a recovering gambling addict, cooking classes and other immersions into food as a leisure activity are not a good idea for us.

Our recovery is strengthened by reducing food's place in our lives to planned meals. We are safest if our life between those meals—and snacks if that's on your abstinence plan—is not about food but about our other interests and passions.

Your resistance to letting all this go is your best indicator. If you can go home tonight, load up all your picture cookbooks and magazines in your car and drop them off at a thrift store and not look back, you may not be a food porn addict. If you can give up the cooking and chef shows without a whimper, food porn may not be your problem. But if even reading this makes you nervous, makes you think "you can't make me," it's time to take a good hard look at these behaviors and whether they are going to weaken your commitment to abstinence and freedom from food obsession.

\- Are you hooked on food shows on TV? Buying or subscribing to food magazines? Got lots of picture-book cookbooks?

\- Are you willing to go cold turkey and stop? If not, how might you find the willingness to do so for the sake of your sanity and freedom?

Being neutral about food doesn't mean we don't enjoy it. In fact, most people in abstinence enjoy their food far more than they did when they were bingeing and overeating. But food is just one of our enjoyments, not the Big One.

Need an advocate to help you create a sweeter life between meals? Contact me about coaching. jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 25: CREATING DEEPER CONNECTIONS WITH OTHERS

As we've discussed before, addiction is surely one of the loneliest ways to live. It doesn't matter whether we're the only person in our home, whether we're a nun or a monk living in community, or whether we're married and have a houseful of kids. If we're living in addiction, we're living cut off from those around us at home, at work, and at play.

When we're actively practicing our addiction—and, yes, it is a practice—we are only partly available to our families, our friends, our coworkers, and our clients. Sometimes we're not available at all. Why? Because our real relationship, the one that gets the most and the best of our attention, is with food. It's with a bag of chips, two monster cookies, a tub of ice cream, a giant chocolate bar, a double cheese pizza.

Why would we do this? Because food is easier to relate to than people. Food is reliable and people aren't. Food will always get me numb. People don't get me numb. Often they irritate me, annoy me, anger me, and wear me out. Food is also predictable and people aren't. When I overeat on demon foods, I always know what I'm going to get and how I'm going to feel. I've got no such guarantee with any person I know. What's more, food is never disappointed in me, and people sometimes are.

I seldom quote the Bible but "man does not live by bread alone" comes to mind. Many of us food addicts have tried to live by food alone, but it's too lonely. And when our health starts to go bad and our body gets huge, and our survival—physical or psychological or both—is threatened and we come into recovery, we have to find new ways to relate to ourselves and to others.

\- Have you stayed out of friendships or love relationships because they interfered with your eating?

\- Have you stayed out of friendships or love relationships because of shame around your eating or your body size?

\- What would you like your family life to be like?

\- What would you like your social life to be like?

\- Begin to consider what you want in your connections with others.

Creating Connection with Others by Practicing Vulnerability

I hesitated before writing this idea down because I still struggle with practicing it. As I've mentioned in other weeks, I grew up in a home where self-sufficiency (literally, take care of your problems yourself) and independence were highly prized and essential for getting along. I learned to keep anything the least bit unpleasant to myself. It's taken a lot of practicing with trusted friends and my 12-Step groups to get over this and to open up to people. But it is so worth it. The quality of my friendships and my relationships with my family are infinitely better.

Here are some things we can practice for creating deeper relationships:

**We can tell the truth when someone asks** _How are you?_

When someone asks me this question, I don't say _Fine_ anymore. I say something about what's going on with me. _I'm really enjoying this weather_ OR _I'm getting pretty tired of the rain_ OR _I'm feeling sad about what's going on in Syria or with the Dakota pipeline_. I stay away from a health report; I handle that differently. But I share what's on my heart or on my mind. Some people are a bit taken aback at first—they're so used to the formula of politeness—but I've also had some lovely conversations.

_When someone close to us says_ _What's going on?_ _we can refrain from saying_ _Nothing._

We can tell them. _I'm confused or irritated or unhappy or sad._ We can talk about ourselves and what we're feeling. If it involves them, we can own that this feeling is our reaction and not their responsibility. _I got sad when you said X._ I'm not very proficient at being in these conversations yet but I'm working on it.

We can tell the truth and nothing but the truth.

I used to be a great embellisher, always making my life seem more interesting and more important because I felt so small in my addiction. It may have made me more interesting, but it certainly didn't make me more approachable. Today I want to be approachable so I describe my reality as it is.

We can ask for what we want and need.

I've learned that _I'd appreciate it if XXX_ is a great way to do that. And I've practiced with really simple requests for quite a while. _I'd appreciate it if we could have dinner at 6 tonight instead of 6:30. I'd appreciate it if you paid me in advance for the work. I'd appreciate it if you could have my car ready by noon on Friday._ Making such requests is also a whole lot healthier way to deal with our complaints.

When we are wrong, we can promptly admit it.

In most disagreements, at least two people are participating and I'm one of them. I can take a quiet moment and think about my part and then apologize, if that's appropriate.

When we are wronged, we can let go of our righteousness for the sake of harmony.

This doesn't mean that we accept abuse of any kind, but if the offense is minor, we can forgive and move on.

_A note about misplaced loyalties_ _:_ Many of us addicts are loyal to a fault. That means we stay too long in relationships that aren't good for us. When we are continually hurt or neglected in relationships, moving on may mean moving out of the relationship.

We can share honestly with our recovery support community, therapist, or spiritual director.

We can remember that by the very nature of these relationships, these people are willing to listen to us. It is healing to share our memories, thoughts, fears, and joys. And it's great practice for doing the same in intimate relationships.

\- Where could you begin to share whatever's on your heart or on your mind? Is there a simple practice like responding more honestly to _How are you?_ that you could adopt?

\- How might finding the courage to truthfully answer _What's going on?_ change your relationships with family and close friends?

\- What is your relationship with telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? If it's shaky, try it for a week and see what happens.

Using a Truth Stone with Your Partner or Closest Friend

Some years ago I got introduced to the truth stone practice. It's a simple thing to do. You can use any kind of stone but something lovely is nice to hold. Then you sit down with your partner or close friend and you take turns talking and listening. Here are the particulars:

\- Choose a time when you won't be interrupted (turn off phones and other screens).

\- Agree in advance on the amount of time each person gets. Five to ten minutes is a good amount.

\- Then one of you goes first and says anything you need to say for the next 5-10 minutes. Any and all topics are fine, but you have agreed to tell your truth.

\- There is no commenting or interrupting from your partner. The listener does their best to keep body language and facial expressions neutral. Their role is to witness what you need to say.

\- Sometimes the speaker will lapse into silence. That's fine. Let that be.

\- When the 10 minutes are up, you thank the listener and pass the stone. Then they talk and you listen.

\- At the end of the second 10 minutes, the activity is over. You can hug or thank each other in any appropriate way.

\- Here's the most important piece: No discussion afterwards. No advice-giving, no rehashing, no responses for at least 24 hours (48 is better). This is a talking/listening exercise, not a problem-solving one.

Using the truth stone and all the other practices here are ways to help us get closer to those we care about and those we interact with. Closer, deeper relationships are a very necessary source of satisfaction for those of us in recovery, and without more satisfaction in our lives, we may well return to food.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 26: DEALING WITH FOOD IN THE WORKPLACE

Constant exposure to food at work is a source of sabotage for many people in recovery. It appears everywhere and at all times. Snacking—in fact, constant eating—is a common feature of most American workplaces now. Decades ago such behavior was unheard of. You didn't bring food or drink to your desk. You got up for a drink of water from a fountain or cooler, and you waited for your break for a snack or cup of coffee. Most people ate three meals and not much in-between in those days.

Now offices allow staff to fuel themselves (aka, entertain themselves with food) all day long, and many people keep treats in their desks. There are also often snack machines in corridors or around the periphery of big open office spaces. This creates a lot of visual triggers for those of us who commit to abstinence between meals or who no longer eat these foods at all and don't keep them in our homes. However, it is possible to shift some of these conditions and create a safer, healthier environment for everyone.

\- What kind of food environment exists in your workplace?

\- What problems does that pose for your abstinence?

\- If you work at home alone, what problems do you have with food in that workplace?

Asking for what you need

One of the things to consider is asking for support from our colleagues, including our supervisor.

If we work in a small office, we can ask that all foods be kept in drawers (not on desk tops) or in the break room.

If we share a cubicle, we can ask our cube mate to keep foods out of sight as well.

We can stay out of the break room as a place to chat or take a break. Instead, we can visit it only briefly to get a beverage or our meal.

On our breaks and meals, we can do something other than watch people eat.

\- We can go outside and walk around the block or the parking lot.

\- We can walk up and down the stairs.

\- We can sit in the stairwell and read a book (don't forget a timer so you can return when the break is over).

These kinds of requests and activities can serve us and others in several ways. First, it's great practice in asking for what you need to be safe and healthy. And by telling others why we need it ("I'm getting off of sugar because it's just not right for me"), we can add some accountability. Other people know now that we don't eat sugar anymore and that can strengthen our resolve. Third, it models healthier eating for everyone. We don't have to become the preacher of health, but no one needs to eat the amounts of sugar we all consume.

\- What kind of requests could you make to deal with visual food triggers at work?

\- Who could you communicate these requests to? Who could you practice making these requests of?

\- Is there anyone at work you could enroll in helping you stick to your abstinence?

Dealing with office celebrations

Many offices celebrate birthdays with cake or other sweets. If this is happening frequently, we can ask to change the policy to once a month for all the birthdays happening that month. We can also ask the person who gets the birthday cake to get a fruit or vegetable platter as well for all those who don't want cake (or we can bring that ourselves). One abstinent friend who doesn't usually snack between meals makes an exception on birthday cake days and saves her fruit from lunch to eat when the others have cake.

This may seem like a small thing but being constantly bombarded by the sight and smell of sweets is exhausting for those of us in recovery. A friend of mine worked as a nurse on a maternity word. New parents were constantly thanking them with boxes of candy and donuts and cookies. While her work was very satisfying, it also involved long shifts and a great deal of fatigue, a big trigger for her (long work hours and chronic fatigue are triggers for most of us). Over the course of a decade she put on 100 pounds and was unable to get any length of abstinence. Food gratitude, while well meaning, was killing her. Finally, she asked to be transferred to a different area of the hospital. She missed the joys of new moms and babies but was able to get back into a healthy body.

\- How might you influence celebrations at your workplace?

\- Is there a possibility of steering those celebrations away from food and celebrating in a more creative way?

Socializing with colleagues

After-work socializing usually involves food and alcohol. That's just the way our culture does it. We go out for a beer or a glass of wine. We hit Happy Hour with its cheap drinks and cheap food. It helps us let off steam and, of course, it helps us get fat. But it can seem unfriendly if we keep turning down the invitations, especially if we're new to the job and want to make friends on the team.

One way to handle this is to go along, get a club soda with lime or a cup of tea, and pass on the food. When I tell people that I do best when I eat about 7, nobody bats an eye. Alternately, you can find something on the menu that works for you. A friend of mine orders the side Caesar salad and sliders (mini-burgers) and throws away the buns. That's dinner for her on those nights. The important thing is to have a plan.

If you work in a big company, chances are there are other ways to socialize: a bowling team, a walking group, folks who go together to Zumba or the gym. And if this isn't currently going on, maybe you could start something.

And remember, we can go occasionally to such events and be a good team player. We just don't have to go every time.

\- What plan could you create for handling food and drink at socializing events?

Working at home: Dealing with easy access to food

Working at home can remove some of the food issues that occur in an office. There never has to be a cake or cookies on the counter. You don't have to watch other people eat or smell their demon foods. On the other hand, the satisfying social aspects of working with others don't occur at home, and that can make us lonely. Also, some of us tend to better behaved around food in the presence of others who know we are abstaining.

Those of us who work alone may have to rely more on our discipline and commitment to keep from eating more than we want to. I've worked alone at home for a couple of decades. Back in the food free-for-all days, that was a great thing because I could just eat all the time. Now I eat three meals and so I use a variety of practices to keep me abstinent between designated eating times.

\- I plan my meals so I know what I'm going to eat and when on any particular day.

\- I vary my work day so that I have a variety of activities to do. If a particular day has a lot of computer work in it, I set a timer so that I don't sit for more than 30 minutes at a stretch. Then I do something else.

\- My breaks often involve a walk. I've got several 10-minute routes figured out in my neighborhood.

\- Most days have at least one creativity break. I keep a table set up in my second bedroom with collage materials and coloring books. I set a timer and do that for 10 minutes.

\- I also like to read a chapter in the current book I'm reading. That takes about 10 minutes as well.

\- I get a lot of satisfaction out of keeping things tidy so I will spend five minutes organizing a drawer, or cleaning the litter box, or sweeping the porch.

\- Anything that is more active or really different from my work is a better break for me than going into the kitchen.

And if I'm really struggling with food on a particular day, I close the door to the kitchen. It reminds me that I don't need to go in there.

\- If you work at home, what are some of your strategies for maintaining your abstinence?

\- If you work at home and are not yet fully abstinent, what techniques might be useful to you?

Sadly, most office environments support a food free-for-all, so we have to take care of our abstinent selves. Remember that being both rested and well nourished at meals can go a long way to reducing our response to temptations. And having a support plan (someone you can call or text to talk you out of caving in) is really helpful.

For more about food, stress, and work, see Week 28. For coaching or other support, contact me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 27: Giving Ourselves Attention, Not Cookies

Like many food addicts, I've long had one primary way to take care of myself: eat something. And like many of us, as a kid it was the best I could do. My mom had four kids to deal with, a mostly absent husband, and her own demons. While she never neglected us—we always had meals and clean clothes and encouragement to do our homework—there was very little attention to our emotional needs. So when I was sad or mad or bored or restless, I got numb.

Now that I'm abstinent and getting numb is no longer an option, I'm on the lookout for other ways to give myself attention. You'll notice I'm talking about attention and not distraction. Our culture is full of distractions, including the sinkholes of the Internet and social media, television, shopping, and working. We can almost always find a way to escape ourselves. But this isn't what I'm talking about.

Many of us didn't get the loving attention we needed in our families growing up. We often weren't asked for our opinion. We weren't asked what we were thinking about. And we certainly weren't asked what we were feeling. But we all need that kind of loving attention to our thoughts and emotions. Week 23 talks about finding ways to do this with other people. In this conversation, I want to talk about some ways we can learn to do this with ourselves.

\- What was your early experience of talking about your thoughts and feelings? Did you feel heard? Listened to? If not, what did you do to take care of yourself?

\- What kind of relationship do you have now with your feelings?

\- How do you currently listen to your thoughts, ideas, and opinions?

Practicing reverse meditation

Most meditation techniques involve trying to clear the mind by focusing on anything but your thoughts. I practice a kind of reverse technique that focuses on my thinking. To anyone watching, it would look pretty traditional. I sit down in a comfortable chair with my feet on the floor for balance, set a timer, take a few deep breaths to get centered, and then think.

If I have something specific on my mind, I think about that. Lately, I've had a couple of contentious run-ins with acquaintances where speaking up for myself wasn't well received. So in my meditation time, I've been thinking about why that is.

\- Was I unskillful in what I said?

\- Did I use a tone of voice that carried some message I wasn't aware of?

\- Was the timing off and I didn't notice the other person wasn't receptive?

\- What might have gotten triggered for the other person that I was unaware of?

I've learned in my 12-Step work to look at my part. It's the only piece I can control. And I do my best to stay out of judgment and blame of myself or the other person, as that isn't helpful at all. Curiosity and an open mind are my best tools.

If I don't have something on my mind, I still do my meditation and do one of these things:

\- I let my mind just wander. In traditional meditation, you're supposed to "bring your mind back to center" if it wanders, but I find my thought meanderings interesting and I just let them go where they want to with one caveat: If I find myself falling into worry about the future, I stop myself and come back to the present.

\- Other times, I think about a problem I want to solve. It might be a creative problem, like where to take a character next in a novel I'm working on or what kind of new salad I could dream up for next week's potluck or why a certain painting or poem isn't working. It might be a physical problem with my body or something in my house that doesn't have a clear solution and I open myself up to new ideas.

This kind of reverse meditation doesn't have to happen sitting down.

\- You can take it walking. I have stopped using my MP3 player when I walk in the neighborhood. For one, I love bird song and listen for it on my early morning walks. But I want to be with my thinking. I want to listen to myself.

\- You can practice reverse meditation while you are gardening, doing the dishes, standing in the shower. Just listen to yourself think.

\- My cats love reverse meditation. One always comes and sits on my lap when I'm doing it. I don't know if they think I need soothing from them or if they need it soothing from me. But I love it.

Reverse meditation is a great way to move into your day. Consider sitting with a cup of tea and thinking for a few minutes before you get going.

Reverse meditation is a great way to wind down your day. Consider sitting and thinking for a few minutes before you go to bed.

How might you incorporate reverse meditation into your day?

Proprioceptive writing: Listening to your thoughts on paper

A few months ago, I read Dr. Christiane Northrup's latest book, _Making Life Easy_ , and she mentioned a writing process that she found really helpful: _proprioceptive writing_. I got intrigued, tried it and liked it, and went on to learn more from _Writing Your Mind Alive_ by Linda Trichter Metcalf, the originator of the process.

Despite its hard-to-pronounce name, this is a really great practice. Here's how it works:

\- Find a quiet 20 minutes when you won't be disturbed. Gather together paper or a notebook, a pen or pencil that you enjoy writing with, a timer, a candle, and a music source.

\- Light the candle, start some instrumental music (Metcalf recommends Baroque music but I find that New Age and soft jazz also work fine).

\- Set the timer for 20 minutes.

\- Date the paper and write this question at the top: What's on my mind?

\- Write for the next 20 minutes about whatever's on your mind.

\- Stuck? Reread the last sentence or two you just wrote and ask yourself this question about a word or phrase you've written: What do I mean by X? (Example. "I'm feeling overwhelmed." What do I mean by _overwhelmed_?

\- When the timer goes off, finish up your thoughts.

\- Read the writing aloud to yourself, circling anything that's important to you.

That's it. Put it away. You may never look at it again. Then again you may want to read it sometime. But it isn't a product. It's a process. It's thinking and listening and paying attention to yourself.

A few other notes:

\- Don't worry if you need to pause and reflect during the 20 minutes. That's what the practice is all about. Reflecting and listening to yourself. In fact, Metcalf says this is much more a _listening_ practice than a _writing_ practice.

\- This is a great thing to do in a group. The whole process is the same except that you read aloud to the group members, who do not comment or analyze.

\- Additional group exercise: If there's time and interest, group members write down what they hear you say on a piece of paper and then read them back to you. These are always your words, not theirs. And again no commentary and no analysis. It's just witnessing.

I've had an amazing number of insights by doing this process regularly. I am clarifying things for myself that have long puzzled me. Like why I don't enjoy what other people think is fun. Like what questions best guide my decision making. Like when it's time to leave a group I've long been associated with.

I'd love to hear what you discover in giving yourself attention. Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comand let's connect.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 28: HANDLING STRESS IN THE WORKPLACE

In Week 26, we looked at ways to deal with the many demon foods that can appear in our workplace. But our hours at work, or as volunteers for that matter, often come with additional problems that can trigger us to eat.

In many work situations, we get exposed for long hours to a trio of triggers: the sedentary tedium of meetings that are often unproductive, unrealistic expectations from bosses and coworkers, and the boredom of repetitious and meaningless tasks. It's a challenge to keep our recovery and our peace of mind strong when faced with these obstacles four or five days a week every week. But, as we'll see, it is possible to stay abstinent under these conditions and even to change some of those conditions.

Stress is epidemic in most offices and factories, shops and service businesses and even in volunteer groups. There's a constant push to do more, to do it better, for the company to make more money and often to do so with fewer staff. Many of us get pushed to take on more responsibility, with and without additional compensation, and at the same time, we are subjected to meeting after meeting in which not much gets done while our actual tasks sit waiting on our desks. In addition, some of those tasks are tedious and repetitive and can feel like busy work instead of a good use of our skills and talents.

One possibility is to follow the example of my friend in Week 26 who transferred to a department in the hospital that offered better working conditions. Some of us will probably need to do that. Just as a recovering alcoholic can't go on being a bartender, those of us in food-related work may need to find something else. And even if we aren't surrounded by food at work, if we are experiencing chronic stress at work, it may well be in our best interest to find other employment.

It usually doesn't happen right away so there's no need to panic. But as we move further and further into abstinence, we realize that the stresses at work are just not helpful for the happy and healthy life that we want to be living, a life that is so rich and sweet that we don't need to medicate with food.

For example, when I was five years sober, I realized that the stresses of academic life, particularly the politics, just weren't good for me, and so I spent the next three years living on part-time work until I settled on a second career. Similarly, after a year of recovery from food addiction, I saw that cutting back on my expenses would allow me to work less and do more satisfying things with my time and that that satisfaction would make abstinence so much easier. This is why getting our finances in order is also an important part of our recovery.

\- Which of these common stresses during your work day make abstinence difficult?

I am bored with the work I do. I'm not learning anything.

I'm overworked. It's not possible to do a good job and complete things.

I'm in over my head. I don't have the skills or training to do what I'm being asked to do.

The politics in my office are awful. It's hard to relax or trust anyone.

\- Are there other stresses that tempt you to medicate with food?

Saying no to more responsibility: We have more choice than we often think

One of the difficulties for those of us in recovery is that we have spent many years trapped in a relationship with food that made us miserable. No matter what we tried, it didn't seem to work and there was no way out. Once we find the way out, we may continue to believe that we are trapped in other areas of our lives: in a bad marriage, for example, or in a bad work situation. But we aren't trapped. As long as we are alive, we can change. We can even make big changes. We can get a divorce or ask for a different way of relating to our spouse. We can quit a job and get another.

Some of you may be coming up right now with all the reasons why you can't do this. But you can. We all have choice, and often we have much more choice than we think. We can choose to stay where we are and use those reasons to explain it. But they're an explanation, not the obstacle. Is it easy to make big changes? No. Is it simple? Probably not. But we do not have to choose to suffer anymore. We can take steps to make the changes we need to protect our health and well-being.

And, of course, some of us don't want to leave our work. We enjoy what we do. We make good money. We just need some things to change. Here are some of the things we can ask for:

\- We can ask for more reasonable hours if we are working too long and too hard.

\- We can ask for an updated job description that is more realistic and that lets us relinquish responsibilities that weren't ours in the first place.

\- We can ask for assistance from other staff members and keep asking until we get it.

\- We can stop redoing the work of other people when that work doesn't seem up to our standards.

\- We can learn to delegate and let others do their jobs.

\- We can say no when additional responsibilities are handed to us.

Concerned that you'll get fired if you ask for what you need? If your work environment is that hostile, it's probably not the right place for someone in recovery who's learning to expand her sense of integrity anyway.

**A few words about money:** Money is a consideration, of course, in such decisions, but health and happiness need to be equally important. Perhaps there are lifestyle changes you can make so that money isn't keeping you stuck in an unhealthy job. See Week 22 for some ideas.

\- What problems, if any, does your work place (or volunteer commitment) pose for your abstinence?

\- What changes could you request that might relieve some of the stress?

\- Where might you find the courage to ask for those things? Who would support you in doing so?

Tackling the interminable meetings that make us want to eat

A second possibility is to work towards small changes in your workplace that will make it a healthier, less stressful place to be. For example, very few of us enjoy the number of lengthy meetings we are asked to attend. And research has shown that most meetings are not very useful anyway. Here are a few ideas that are changing the workplace in some companies:

_Meetings are held standing up._ People get to the point and come to agreement much more quickly when they aren't sitting down.

_Cell phones are not allowed._ People pay more attention and get more done if no one is distracted.

_Meetings only occur in a regular 2-hour window._ Some companies are experimenting with holding all meetings from 8-10 am or 3-5 pm with no meetings scheduled at any other time during the day.

_There is only one meeting a day and everyone attends in person or via telecast._ All issues are discussed in the open; all employees have a chance to give input. This also eliminates a great deal of inter-office emailing.

Handling tedious, repetitive tasks

Boredom is a big trigger for addicts. Studies have shown that addicts are usually pretty smart people, and we have a low tolerance for being bored. We either want excitement or we want to numb out. So since numbing out isn't an option once we get into recovery, we have to do our best to stay out of boredom. Here are some things to consider:

_If boring tasks are a small part of your job_ , find a way to be okay with that. If possible, pass the task on to someone else. If that's not possible, think of the task as a restful and easy change as opposed to some of the other taxing things you do. Remember all work is honorable work.

_If boring tasks are a large part of your job and moving on is not an option right now,_ try using your smarts to figure out more efficient ways to do the tasks so they get done faster. Or make them into a game. We can often use our creativity to help us out in these situations.

_If you feel undervalued and under-engaged in your workplace,_ talk with your supervisor about taking on some more engaging tasks. Look for ways to help others with their work. Who knows? You might get promoted to something great.

\- Do any of the ideas above seem feasible for alleviating some of your work stress?

\- What other ideas do you have for lightening your stress load at work?

Because work takes a huge chunk of our time and energy, it has an undeniable impact on our well-being. Therefore, it's critical that we do what we can to make that impact a positive one.

Need coaching to help you make some of these changes? Visit www.lifebetweenmealscoaching.com/coachingfor information on how I can help.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 29: THE GREAT VALUE OF FINALLY GROWING UP

You may be thinking, _Wait a minute! I'm 45 or 60 or 75 or 35. I am grown up._ But if you've been an active food addict (or addict of any kind) for a considerable time like I have, chances are you aren't as old as you think. I'm not talking chronology here.

Those years have gone by, but we addicts are often much less mature than our years would indicate. In fact, in the recovery community, it's widely accepted that our emotional maturity slows way down when we begin consistently and chronically medicating our feelings.

Here's why I think this is so: I learned when I was 7 or 8 that anytime I was unhappy, sugar and flour would make me feel better. Of course, I now know that it didn't really make me happy but it did numb the pain. Because I didn't know how else to deal with my anger or sadness or disappointment—my family didn't model any healthier ways to be with feelings or work them out—I kept using food until it became an habitual response. In a very real way, I became dependent on food to survive emotionally.

I believe that using food is a natural response for a child, who has few other options. But it becomes an immature response for an older adolescent, a young adult, a middle- aged adult, an elder adult. We go on taking care of ourselves as if we were 7 or 8 and not 47 or 68. So if we want to maintain abstinence and live fully in recovery, we have to grow up and take a different kind of care of our emotional responses.

\- How did early experiences help create your relationship with food?

\- How were emotions handled in your family?

\- Which, if any, of these practices are still active in your eating today?

As food addicts, we often carry forward not only our early eating habits and self-medicating habits into adulthood. We also carry forward our impotence, our belief that we can't do anything about unpleasant feelings, and what's more, we can't do anything about our circumstances.

Impotence is a characteristic of early childhood. There are so many things we can't do, so many things that we don't get to decide. Our parents fight or get sick and we can't do anything to help. Maybe we have a sibling with special needs and he or she gets all the attention. Maybe our parents move us to a new town away from our familiar school and our friends. Maybe they divorce and we don't see one of them again. Maybe our parents or other relatives abuse us or neglect us, and we can't do anything about it. We also learn to say nothing about all this.

While it's realistic for a child to believe they are powerless over their circumstances, many of us move into adulthood still believing that we are stuck with what we get.

\- We get fat and don't believe we can ever be thin and healthy again.

\- We end up in a boring job or are overworked and underpaid, and we don't see a way out.

\- We get engaged and make all our wedding plans and realize this is all wrong, but we go ahead and get married and stay there for three years or five years or twenty years.

\- We want to retire and travel, but we've fallen into debt through medicating with shopping and other expensive quick fixes and we're sure we're stuck working indefinitely.

We believe we are the victim of our circumstances and there are no other feasible options. While that was true when we were kids, it is not true now. Everyone of us can have a much better life than we currently have if we can find the courage to change the things we can.

\- What circumstances in your life do you wish you could change? Make a list of those things you wish were different in each of the following areas and next to each item, place a number from 1 to 10 indicating how difficult you think it would be to change this (1=easy; 10=next to impossible).

\- Health

\- Money

\- Family

\- Work

\- Home

\- Creativity

\- What would it take to change all the items that you rated 1-5 (less difficult)? What actions could you take this week to make that happen for one of them?

\- What would it take to change the items you rated 6-10 (more difficult)? How much do you want these to change?

So how do we find the courage to change what we can? Here are some of my ideas:

We increase our energy and clarity of mind by becoming and staying abstinent with food, however we define that.

\- Abstaining from sugar and flour gives us energy because our bodies, especially our livers and intestinal systems, are not having to deal with the toxins that these foods release in our systems. Our brains get clear too.

\- Reducing our fat intake to a moderate level gives us energy because our digestive systems aren't overworking.

\- Similarly, abstaining from snacks means that our bodies aren't using our energy to digest all day long, freeing up that energy for other things.

We find support through friends or professionals so that we don't have to make the changes alone.

As kids, many of us felt there was no one to turn to, and often that was true. As adults, that is almost never true. If we can give up the erroneous belief that we are unique and that no one will understand our circumstances, we can begin to reach out. We will find that there are others who have not only suffered the way we suffer but have come through to the other side, to the sweeter life.

Here are some of the options open to us if we will just reach out:

_12 Step groups for food and other addictions_. Weekly meetings are free and open to anyone with a desire to stop self-medicating.

_One-on-one therapists._ Because of the health issues of obesity and eating disorders, insurance is increasingly likely to pay for sessions with a licensed therapist. Check with your insurance policy holder. And then find someone you like and can trust.

_Counseling groups with the focus you need._ Psychologists and social workers often create weekly groups of those who suffer from addiction or other emotional stresses (leaving a marriage, quitting a job, etc.). Some organizations provide these groups for little or no cost; others can be funded through health insurance. If you live in a university town, it is likely that the Psychology Department has well-trained interns or graduate students who are supervised in leading such groups.

_Pastors and spiritual directors._ Your faith community may offer support groups or one-on-one guidance in making change. However, if your faith community is too conservative to advocate change, it may not offer the support you need. If that's the case, you might consider seeking another community that does offer support.

_Career and life coaches._ Life coaches and career coaches are great listeners and cheer leaders for the changes we want to make. Weekly or monthly contact with someone who has your best interests at heart and who can make wise suggestions can be well worth the money.

_A group of your own friends and acquaintances who have the same issue._ When I wanted to get out of debt and change my relationship to money, I put out a call to all the women I knew and formed the Women and Money group I mention in Week 22. This group has been active now for more than 10 years. When I wanted to make creativity a bigger part of my life, I found three other women interested in doing the same. In each case, we meet once a month, set simple tasks for ourselves, and hold each other accountable.

\- What support can best help you move into a fully grown-up life?

A big HOWEVER

No matter how many ideas and how much support we get from other people, we ultimately have to make the changes ourselves. No one is going to hand us a new job or the money we need to get out of debt. No one but us can walk away from a marriage or partnership that isn't working. No one but us can create the sweeter life between meals.

Growing up means taking responsibility for ourselves. It means being responsible for what we eat, how we spend, how we treat others. It means letting go of what doesn't serve us (ideas, beliefs, circumstances) and creating a life that does.

Need some one-on-one support? Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comabout coaching via phone or email.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 30: GIVING UP BUSYNESS: ABSTINENCE AND TIME MANAGEMENT

Too little time is a major stressor for most of us. We have too much to do and too little time and energy to do it with. And relaxing? Forget about it. But this kind of stress is one of the most critical for us to address if we're going to create the sweeter life between meals and stay abstinent from our trigger foods.

It's no secret that our culture rewards calendar overload. In fact, over the last couple of decades, how busy we are has become a badge of honor, something to complain about and to boast about at the same time. It's a form of competition, _out-busying_ each other.

Some of our busyness is related to our history. Thanks to our Puritan founders who brought us both a positive work ethic and a negative fear of leisure (idle hands are the Devil's playground), we are culturally wired to stay busy and productive. This also leads to an environment that rewards doing too much.

Some of our busyness is also related to where and how we work. To maximize profits, some companies aren't replacing people who retire or quit; instead, they're asking others to add additional tasks to their already full schedules. In other businesses and nonprofits, the same things occur but for a different reason. Because wages are lower, qualified people are hard to keep and the staff who stay—often older workers afraid of experiencing ageism if they look for a new job—end up overburdened. And if you work for yourself, no money comes in if you're not working. It's easy to justify more and more hours spent working.

Some of our busyness is related to choice. So many opportunities, experiences, and possibilities are available that we just keep saying yes. We take classes, belong to clubs, have active social lives. All this leads to very full calendars. And if we have kids or grandkids, we want them to have a chance at these opportunities too, and so we train them to move from activity to activity with nary a pause.

Some of our busyness may be related to guilt. Some of us feel uncomfortable if others are doing things and we're not. This could be housework, yard work, volunteer work, any kind of work activity. Women especially are trained early to pitch in.

Some of our busyness may be related to fear. Some of us have been outrunning our negative feelings for so long—that may well be how your addiction took hold in the first place as it certainly was for me—that we are terrified to slow down, terrified that our feelings will overwhelm us. So we keep busy.

\- How is the cultural encouragement to stay busy showing up in your life?

\- How overwhelming is your work schedule? Do you work longer hours? Nights and weekends? Never feel you're making much progress?

\- Do you have trouble saying no to invitations and opportunities even though you're worn out? Are your kids running on the same busyness hamster wheel?

\- Do you feel uncomfortable saying no when someone needs your help? Does that discomfort or guilt push you into saying yes?

Changing our relationship with yes and no

To free ourselves from time-related stress, most of us in recovery have to come to a different use of yes and no. We have to say yes to ourselves and our recovery more often and say no to our old ways of being and doing in the world. We have to say yes to a more considered use of our time and energy and no to things that don't really matter to us.

I want to emphasize the last two words in that sentence: _to us_. Sugar and food addicts are quite often codependent; we're people pleasers. Because of childhood circumstances, we learned it was safest to do everything in our power to keep everybody else happy. We weren't necessarily happy doing that, but we felt safer. This habit became ingrained and it's often still running the show.

\- We say yes to impossible amounts of work to keep our boss happy.

\- We say yes to going to social events that don't interest us to keep our friends happy.

\- We run errands and go out of our way to do things for family members to keep them happy.

But in recovery, our own happiness and well-being can't come last. Life is too stressful that way. When we come last, we are angry, tired, disappointed, resentful—all feelings that reactivate our cravings and then food appears to be the easiest solution. We can't afford to live that way any longer.

Here are some time-related ideas to consider:

\- Never say yes right away to an invitation. Say "I'll check my calendar and get back with you." Then consider if the event will increase your well-being. If yes, say yes. If no, say, "No thank you. Can't make it."

\- Even if you use a calendar app on your phone, keep a paper calendar, preferably one with time slots for the hours of each day (I like the 15-minute increment kind). Using color highlighters, block out time that is just for you. Do this in advance. Then if an invitation comes, be sure it's worth giving up your rest and spaciousness for. And if it isn't, you can honestly say "I've already got something on my calendar."

\- Consider a day off each week. I mean really off: no appointments, no errands. Only rest, fun, joy. Make it a sacred part of your week. Model this for your kids, your friends, your coworkers.

\- Become a realistic and generous time estimator. Most projects, whether at work or at home, take longer than we think they will. Try adding a half hour to the time estimate for small projects and several hours (or days or weeks) for large projects. It's a great boost to spaciousness.

\- Overworked? Meet with your supervisor and ask them to prioritize your work load so that you know exactly what's most important. We often assume it all is important. Believe me, it isn't. Second, identify in discussion with your supervisor the needed time for those projects using the realistic and generous estimator idea above. Ask your supervisor if that changes any of the priorities. Third, make sure your supervisor has a list of those things you won't be doing because there isn't time. This will take courage especially if you're a people pleaser like me. But you can learn to say no.

\- Which of the ideas above might work well for you? Why?

\- Which ideas might not? Why not?

\- What other ideas do you have for changing your relationship with time?

Energy and time are our most precious commodities. They're far more important for our abstinence and our sweeter life between meals than money will ever be. Coming into a better relationship with time is important for everyone, but it is crucial for those of us in an abstinent life.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 31: CHOOSING ABSTINENCE AS A GIFT TO OURSELVES AND TO OTHERS

It's pretty natural for us to think of abstinence as something we do for ourselves. After all, we're the addict, and it's our response to our feelings and our subsequent eating behaviors to numb ourselves that have gotten us into this, and so it's we who have to get out.

And this is true. No one can get us into recovery but ourselves, and no one can keep us here but ourselves. We have to take responsibility and action to make it happen. But to do this, we can learn to lean on different sorts of motivation.

Abstinence is a gift to our physical health.

I talked in Week 10 about the amazing health benefits of abstaining from sugar, flour, and overeating. These benefits are particularly striking if we're older as we will feel less stiff, less sore, less miserable all around. Better joints, better digestion, better blood pressure. And more energy!

Abstinence is a gift to our mental and emotional health.

When we abstain, we also get to free ourselves from guilt and self-loathing. Very few of us food addicts are unaware of what we are doing to ourselves. We may pretend to other people that we don't care, but we do. We care about our bodies and what we are doing to them even as we feel powerless to stop.

In abstinence, we know that we are eating well and not too much. We learn that hunger after a few hours is appropriate and can be endured, especially if we are wanting to lose weight.

Abstinence is a gift to our appearance.

Whether we lose weight or not, when we abstain from sugar, flour, and other processed foods, we look better. When we eat a lot of sugar and flour, we aren't well nourished (eating a lot of empty calories is not nourishing, it's just filling). What's more, because of the heavy load of chemicals from processed foods, our digestive systems and livers struggle to work well, and this can show up in a kind of invisible film of grayness on us. When we abstain and eat whole, healthy foods, our eyes and skin get clear. And our energy appears cleaner and brighter.

Abstinence can gift us with a right-sized body.

Many sugar and flour addicts are overweight or obese (I used to be in the second category), and sustained abstinence can bring us back into a weight range that supports our health and well-being. Many of us first adopt abstinence to lose weight although we often find that other motivations are what keep us abstinent, including the motivations discussed here.

\- Which of the motivations above have brought you to abstinence or to the abstinence conversation?

\- Which of them is supporting your abstinence?

It may be less easy for us to see how our abstinence is a gift to others. But it is. And seeing it as a gift can go a long way to strengthening our recovery.

Abstinence is a gift to our family and friends.

Because letting go of the obsession for unhealthy foods and unhealthy amounts of food is good for us, it's good for those we live with too.

\- Our mood improves and that makes us so much easier to be around. When we drop the burden of guilt, self-loathing, and depression that is a significant component of food addiction, we feel happier and calmer, and that calm radiates out into our environment.

\- We have more energy when we're well nourished with healthy foods and not eating too much. With that energy, we're far more inclined to go for a walk or hike, ride a bike or go bowling, play with our kids or grandkids.

\- When we're not numbing out with food, we are more alert and present to others. We're available for listening, sharing, and affection.

\- If you're currently abstinent, how is your abstinence a gift to your family and friends?

\- If you're ready to choose abstinence, what can you imagine your choice will offer to those in your inner circles?

Abstinence is a gift to our workplace or volunteer community.

For many of these same reasons, our abstinence benefits our work in the world, whether that's a job, our own business, or a volunteer commitment.

We can radiate that same calm into environments outside the home. When we are self- medicating with sugar and flour products, we cycle through the highs and lows of the dopamine surges that our brain responds with to those foods. Conversely, when we eat lot of fruits and vegetables, our brain responds to the even keel of serotonin. We get and stay cheerful and peaceful. Frustrations and disappointments are easier to handle. We can use that new energy to perform better at work or to show up as promised to our volunteer gigs. We have a better time doing whatever we're doing.

\- What kind of a relationship can you see between your food issues and your performance at work or in your volunteer community?

\- What might long-term abstinence with its calming energy bring instead?

Our abstinence is an especially powerful gift to other sugar and food addicts.

I recently ran into a woman I know and she said a mutual friend had told her about my _Candy Girl_ book. When I told her how long I'd been off sugar and flour, her eyes widened in surprise and I could see some possibility cross her face. When I told her that I wasn't suffering without it, that in fact I was healthier and happier than I'd been in decades, I could see hope in her eyes.

When we put down the sugar and flour and leave it there, we also contribute to the abstinence of other addicts. We show them that it is possible to get free—and stay free—of what had so gripped us, what has been strangling our emotions and our lives. Every day that we choose abstinence, we make it possible for others to do the same.

And we can share the message. When acquaintances notice our improved health or weight loss, we can share why and how we did it. We can talk about the benefits of our sweeter life between meals. We can offer to support them if they want to give it a try. Because addiction is characterized by a failure of the ability to imagine a different life without our addictive substance, we can show them that a different life is possible. We can be an example of a successful return to life from the hell of food addiction.

\- How might a willingness to stay abstinent as an example of what's possible strengthen your recovery?

\- How might you share your story of recovery and abstinence with others?

Our abstinence is a desperately needed gift to the world.

Now more than ever, our world needs people who are awake and conscious. Some of the more negative sectors of our culture want us addicted, numbed out, or asleep because they can profit from it. But the world needs us: the environment needs us, the animals and birds need us, the other human beings here and elsewhere need us to participate in our lives, not sleepwalk through them.

When we are abstinent, we are available to do what we can for others and the world. The longer and stronger our abstinence becomes, the more available we are. It probably won't fall to most of us to try to solve the larger problems of the world, but we can take responsibility for solving our own problems. Long-term abstinence lets us do that.

Every time we choose abstinence, we contribute to the positive energy in the world. We also don't consume more than our share of the world's food resources. When I really grasped that my overeating had that impact, it made abstinence so much sweeter and easier.

So next time you're tempted to give up your abstinence for a bite of this or a taste of that, consider the wider gift your choice to say no can mean for you and others.

© Jill Kelly PhD

### 32: CREATING A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH WHAT WE WANT

Those of us with food issues are no strangers to setting goals. In fact, we may have set more goals in our lives than most people. Lose 5 pounds by Monday. Stop eating after dinner. Lose 10 pounds by the wedding. Stop buying ice cream. Lose 15 pounds by vacation. Give up bread. Lose 20 pounds by the reunion.

Some of our goals materialized, usually the short-term ones. We did lose the 10 pounds before the wedding. We didn't keep them off but we lost them. In fact, some of us have lost 10 pounds dozens of times. Our trouble hasn't been in setting goals but in setting the wrong goals or setting goals that didn't get us what we really want. Yes, we wanted to lose 10 pounds but we really wanted to lose more than that: not only more pounds but all of our self-loathing and all of our obsession with food.

\- What are some of the goals you've set over the last few years? What has been your success with them?

\- How might these goals have been too small or the wrong goals?

\- What are your real goals?

Figure out your priority.

You've probably heard this suggestion a thousand times, but it really is a key strategy for managing our time and energy. There are lots of ways to do this, and most people just take their big to-do list and number the items in order of priority. However, this is often not very successful because they've just given the items a chronological order (what I'll do first, second, etc.) instead of really considering what's most important.

You'll notice that in the heading for this section, priority is singular. For several centuries, the word had no plural because it meant the one most important thing: the thing that came before (prior to) everything else. And while I know it's hard to imagine just having one priority that takes precedence over everything else, I think it's an important idea to consider.

For example, my priority, my #1 thing, at this point in my life is peace of mind. This is the filter through which I try to make every decision. Will saying yes to this invitation increase my peace of mind? Will taking on this work project increase my peace of mind? For example, a key ingredient to my peace of mind is abstinence from all kinds of sugar and processed grains, including alcohol, which is fermented sugar and grain. When I'm active in my addiction to sugar, everything falls apart: my health, my work, my friendships, my whole life goes down the drain. There is no peace of mind.

Another key ingredient to my peace of mind is a spacious schedule. I decided some years ago to never be in a hurry again because I was tired of the stress it was causing me. So I stopped leaving the house at the last minute for an appointment, stopped trying to do one last thing before I left the house, stopped going through yellow lights. The impact was remarkable, and I think creating this new habit around time opened a space for me to take my abstinence even more seriously than I had been doing.

Some of us create a philosophical or spiritual priority. One of my friends is dedicating all her efforts in retirement to the well-being of the planet. Another friend's priority is the well-being of her grandson, who doesn't have dependable parents (her daughter struggles with addiction); my friend makes her time and energy choices with the child in mind. An acquaintance of mine has beauty as his priority and his garden is one manifestation of that.

When we are guided by something we care deeply about, it becomes a filter for our decisions of where to put our time and energy.

It also gives us a barometer for measuring our integrity. If we say that our physical health is our priority but continue to eat demon foods and avoid exercise, we're out of alignment with our best interest. Recognizing that, we can get into alignment with that priority or change our priority.

\- What priority calls to you?

\- How would using it as a filter for decisions concerning your time and energy change the way you do things?

\- Once you've identified your priority, what steps could you take to live into it?

\- What would it take to move in this direction in your life?

\- What conversations could you have with others in your life to identify their priorities and communicate yours?

\- What changes would you make if peace of mind were your priority?

Consider personifying your goal.

In a wonderful little book called _The Power of Receiving_ , author Amanda Owen suggests that we consider a different relationship with our goals. Her idea, which I think is fantastic, is to personify our goal, in other words, treat it like a person we are in a relationship with, someone/something we pay loving attention to. She suggests that our goals manifest when we attend to them. Here's a recap of her suggestions:

1. Have one goal at a time. Just like it's not usually a good idea to date several people at a time, dating several goals at a time is not very satisfying either.

2. State your goal in a single simple sentence.

3. Decide how you will know that your goal has manifested.

4. If applicable, include a timeframe for manifesting your goal, whether it be two weeks or six months.

5. Decide on how and when you are going to interact with your goal—the more often, the more actively, the better.

Be sure your goal is a goal and not a wish.

When we find that we've stated a goal and then promptly ignored it, it's worth verifying whether that goal is actually a goal. "I want to stop eating sugar" sounds like a goal but it may just be a wish. A wish is something we want and but don't want to work for.

How to tell the difference? Here's where Amanda Owen's idea is so brilliant. First, we can ask ourselves this: "Am I willing to care enough about this goal to pay attention to it and interact with it?" If the answer is yes, the next questions are "How will I interact with it?" and "When will I interact with it?"

Here are some ways to interact with our goal:

1. Post the goal sentence in a very visible place or two, like your bathroom mirror or on the refrigerator handle.

2. Decide on actions to take that will help the goal along. Put these in your calendar or day book.

3. Find a way to be accountable to yourself and someone else. You could track your interactions with your goal in your journal or email them to a friend.

4. Buddy up with a friend who also has a goal (it doesn't have to be the same goal).

\- might change for you if you paid attention to your goal the way you do to your lover, your best friend, your kids, your pet?

\- What might that look like in your life?

I believe the universe steps in to support us whenever we are sincere about a goal. At the same time, we have to do our part. Interacting regularly and faithfully with the goal is doing our part.

Need help with goals? Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comabout coaching via phone or email.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 33: CHANGING OUR SPEAKING MAY BE AS IMPORTANT AS CHANGING OUR EATING

There's a lot of use of the phrase "walk your talk" in the recovery community. It's a handy way to refer to our need to take action to manifest a better life. But I think it's also important to turn our attention to our talk itself and how we can change it to strengthen our abstinence.

Because we are miserable in our active addiction, we addicts tend to complain quite a lot. Some of us complain just to ourselves, some of us complain to anyone who will listen. We complain about how busy we are, how our bodies are aging, how our weight is or isn't a problem. We complain about our bosses and coworkers. We complain about our spouses and kids and in-laws. We complain about the weather, the cost of just about everything. We complain about the government.

Like most habits, complaining has a purpose and it has benefits. We humans seldom continue to do things that don't serve us in some way. Oddly enough, the main use we make of complaining is to connect with other people. With strangers, we want to find a point of connection, and complaining about the weather (the heat, the rain, the drought, the humidity, the cold, the wind) is something most of us can easily do together. While this _social complaining_ , as I call it, is usually pretty harmless, it helps to keep us in the negative and sets up a pattern, a habit, of interacting with others that way.

We also use complaining, usually with those closest to us, to get sympathy. We feel sorry for ourselves and want others to feel sorry for us too. This is so human that most of us don't think twice about it. And don't get me wrong. There are lots of things we should talk about and not keep to ourselves. But there's a big difference between talking about things and complaining.

How often do you complain about any of the following in a day or a week?

\- Weather

\- Weight

\- Health

\- Fatigue/poor or not enough sleep

\- Money

\- Family members

\- Work

\- Politics

\- Lack of time

Which of the following benefits do you get from complaining?

\- Let off steam

\- Sympathy/empathy

\- Connection

\- Other (be specific)

How often has your complaining solved any of the problems you're complaining about? (Yes, this is a trick question.)

So what's the difference between talking about something that's wrong and complaining about it? When we talk about a problem, we do it intentionally. We do our best to present it in a neutral tone of voice. We may be worried or concerned, we may be angry or anxious, but we don't let the feelings overwhelm our words. Why? Because we want to do something about the situation. We want to express ourselves clearly. We want to be understood and helped. We are talking as a means to an end. We are talking to find a solution to the problem.

Complaining, on the other hand, is an end in itself. We complain to complain.

Complaining usually only gets us more complaining. We complain and the person listening complains right back; in fact, we can find ourselves in a complaint fest. Or the other person changes the subject or moves away. Why? Because they can tell by our tone of voice—there's often a telltale whine in it—that we aren't interested in doing anything, that this is not going to be a constructive or productive conversation. People love to help us when we are sincere about wanting help, but when all we want to do is complain, to air our resentments, they're not so interested unless they're also complainers.

The truth is complaining doesn't really get us anywhere and it doesn't make us feel very good. In that way, it's a lot like active addiction. We eat demon foods but doing so is a very shallow form of relief. It doesn't get us anywhere and it doesn't make us feel very good. Complaining is negative energy and keeping ourselves in negative energy does not strengthen our abstinence.

At the same time, most of us admire someone who doesn't complain. Most of us want to be around people like that. We can choose to be someone people want to be around.

Be selective about complaining

One way to shift our relationship to complaints is to commit to complaining only about things we are willing to do something about. There are three major benefits of this kind of commitment:

\- We greatly reduce the amount we complain because we are no longer complaining about things that we have no control over: weather, politics (unless you're a politician), other people's behavior, the prices of goods and services. You get the picture.

\- The whine disappears out of our voice. By choosing to discuss things we can change, we move automatically from _complaining_ to _talking about_.

\- Best of all, when we commit to complaining only about things we're willing to change, things change. It's a miracle!

**Consider adopting the** _committed complaint_ **idea**

Some years ago, I heard about the concept of the _committed complaint_ and I found it brilliant. If we subscribe to the committed complaint, we do these two things.

\- First, we complain only to the person who can do something about the problem. If we're unhappy with our salary, for example, we talk to the person who can raise it. If we're unhappy with a friend who's always late, we speak to her—or not, but we don't complain about it to anyone else, just the person who can solve the issue.

\- Second, we don't listen to any complaints unless we are the person who can fix the problem. If someone comes to us with a complaint that we can do something about it, we choose (or not) to do so. But if it's not something in our control, we gently interrupt them and say that we're not the right person to talk to and refer them to the person who is. This really helps keep us out of other people's stuff and other people's negative energy.

Take the 21-day complaint-free challenge

Some years ago, author Will Bowen developed the 21-day challenge to see if he could get people in his organization—and himself—to stop complaining. Since then, millions of people have taken his challenge. It's simple. You wear a purple plastic bracelet. If you catch yourself complaining or someone else does, you move the bracelet to the other wrist. The goal: 21 days of not having to move the bracelet.

Bowen has a book out on this, _A Complaint-Free World_ , which includes a lot of success stories. You don't need the book to take the challenge or to get a bracelet, and you may already have a plastic bracelet you can use. Bowen encourages people to enroll their family, spiritual community, or workplace in the challenge. I love the idea of a complaint-free world.

\- How might your life be sweeter if you committed to one of the complaint practices? Who might you enroll into doing it with you?

\- How could you set up some accountability around making a change in your complaint habit?

It can help if we realize that complaining is a response to our circumstances and we can choose other responses. Just like we don't choose to self-medicate with food anymore as a response to what's happening, we can choose what we say and make it something that moves us forward in creating a sweeter life between meals.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### **34: CLEANING UP THE PAST:** **THE DANGER OF REGRETS, RESENTMENTS, AND SECRETS**

I believe addiction is a disease. Our repeated pattern of self-medicating involves a change in both brain chemistry and body chemistry that makes us do irrational things (like eating 12 donuts in 10 minutes) and sometimes things that go against our values because we are desperate to feel better. This is not to excuse us, but it does help explain why, as active addicts, we do some of the things we do in active addiction.

\- We overeat until we feel sick and then keep eating.

\- We take more than our share of food at the table.

\- We sneak and hide food so others won't know how much we're eating.

\- We may steal money (often as children) so we can buy candy or other treats.

\- We lie about what we're doing so others won't know.

\- We may act out sexually in inappropriate ways as well.

\- We may also have a problem with alcohol and drugs, shopping or gambling.

When we get into abstinence, our first focus is on changing our behaviors with food: when we eat, how much we eat, what we eat. But after some time in abstinence, we can begin to look at our feelings and our stresses, and our old emotional baggage can be a definite stressor.

In Week 29, we talked about the difficulty active addicts have in growing up and taking responsibility for their lives. This isn't something we willfully choose. _Hey, I just won't grow up._ Instead, we encounter trauma and chaos in some way before we are mature, and we start self-medicating to survive that. The self-medication becomes a habit and we don't mature in a healthy or complete way. We may have been living like adults (married, children, have jobs) but we are responding to many of our emotional circumstances as 10-year-olds or 14-year-olds. Because of that immaturity of response, many of us have a fair amount of emotional baggage that we bring into recovery with us.

The baggage we bring forward into recovery pretty much falls into three categories: regrets, resentments, and secrets. All of these pose a danger to our peace of mind— and to our abstinence—if we don't work through them.

Most spiritual programs and most recovery programs recognize this and encourage their participants to do this work. Some of us choose to do this through the 12 Steps or with a therapist or spiritual director. Others of us choose to do this through a creative outlet, like writing or painting, and most of us need to also just sit with our feelings.

What emotional issues are you aware of that may create problems for your abstinence from demon foods? It can be helpful to make a list of those that come immediately to mind (no need to look hard—the surface ones are the most important right now). You don't need to write a lot of detail unless you want to; just write enough so that you can remember what you're talking about.

\- Things from the past you feel guilty about (lying, cheating, stealing)

\- Things from the past you feel angry about (things others have done to you or those you care about)

\- Things from the past you feel ashamed of (things you are afraid to tell someone) whether you did them or someone did them to you

So how do we release this old emotional weight that we are carrying around? Here are some things that have worked well for me and for others I know who are living in long- term abstinence.

We find a kind, compassionate, trustworthy listener.

One of the worst things about regrets, resentments, and secrets is that we carry the weight of them alone. At the same time, we think that we are unique, that no one has done things as awful or as stupid or as cruel or as unkind as we have. But the truth is that most food addicts have done the same things. When we're in our addiction, we are all driven and desperate in the same kinds of ways.

In recovery, some of us choose to get involved in 12-Step groups like OA and FA where a longer-term member will serve as a sponsor, showing us the ropes. We may choose our sponsor to share our baggage with. Others of us choose to work with a trusted therapist or spiritual director. And some of us tell our stories to a close friend or a recovery buddy.

The important thing is to find someone we trust to keep our confidences, to listen with kindness and compassion, someone who won't judge us. And of course, if that person is also a food addict, they will understand all the more where we are coming from.

We write out a list of what we wish to let go of.

The first time I did this, I got some great advice: "Write down anything that makes you cringe inside." I did that and it helped a lot. I also suggest the following:

\- Create two lists: regrets (your actions) and resentments (the actions of others). Indicate in some way, like underlining or using a yellow highlighter, which ones are secrets, things you've never shared before.

\- Handwrite your lists. We process ideas and memories more fully when we put pen to paper.

\- Keep each entry brief as you make the lists. Once you've written down everything you can think of for each list, you can include as many details as are helpful for you to understand yourself or the other person involved.

We meet with our trusted listener.

Next we make an appointment with our listener, telling them why we want to meet so they can consciously choose to be our listener and we can meet at a time that is good for them. When we arrive, we ask for exactly what we need. Some of us only want to be heard with no comments from the listener; others of us want to be heard and hear those comments. Or we might want to have the listener ask us questions or share their own stories of regrets and resentments.

We read our list or talk it through. We may share details or not, depending on how that feels to us. Some of our stories may need to be told at length, others just touched upon. If we don't get through the whole list in that first time, we don't worry about it. We can come back again.

We look for patterns of behavior that don't serve us anymore.

It's important to remember that those old behaviors served us. We benefitted from them in our active addiction because they were survival mechanisms. But we don't need them now. So either in discussion with your listener or on your own with your journal, consider what patterns of behavior those regrets and resentments describe for you and whether you are ready to let them go.

We do what we can to forgive ourselves and others.

Once we've examined and shared our regrets and resentments, we are at a turning point. We can hang on to them and continue to give them power, or we can let them go. We can forgive ourselves for the things we regret and release them. We can forgive others for what they've done and refuse to give them any more of our attention. And if we find this difficult, we can consider talking to our spiritual director or counselor to work through anything that remains.

\- Who might you ask to be your trusted listener?

\- How can you find the courage and willingness to make your list of regrets and resentments? Might this be an activity that you and a friend could do together?

\- What patterns of behavior do you already know you want to let go of?

\- What has kept you in the past from forgiving yourself and others? How could it be different this time?

Many of us get into recovery from sugar and other foods because we want to release weight and have a right-sized body. Abstinence can also give us an opportunity to release old emotional baggage that is weighing us done and release our hearts and minds of old negativity.

I'd love to hear how you're doing. Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comand let's connect.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 35: 10 IDEAS FOR TAMING OUR RESTLESSNESS

We often assume that the main reason a food addict would go back to her old ways of self-medicating would be a major event: a life-threatening illness, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job. And, of course, sometimes this happens. Grief overwhelms us and food seems the only way to survive. But, interestingly, this doesn't happen all that often. Far more often, relapsing occurs when we are restless, irritable, and discontent.

I recently had a very restless day. I had a little bit of a cold and I cancelled plans for a weekend with family because I didn't want to share the virus with anyone. I needed to stay home but I wasn't sufficiently sick to need to do nothing. Restlessness very quickly set in. And although I had little appetite, which only happens to me when I'm not well, I quickly started thinking about food and whether I could justify some snacks. I'm never surprised when I think like this. I know it's part of being an addict. Food is our automatic go-to when we're unhappy.

But I'm working hard to stay out of that habit and so I knew I needed to find some other ways to tame my restlessness.

\- What role has restlessness played in your food addiction? How often have you used food to tame it?

\- Before you read my ideas below, what ideas of your own do you have for dealing with your restlessness that don't involve food?

Instead of succumbing to my restless thoughts about food, I decided to see what else I could do. Here are ideas that I came up with for me that you might consider.

**Get moving.** Even though I didn't feel 100%, I knew I could take a walk. Not a power walk, not a personal best, but just a walk. I could get moving. So I did. I walked for 30 minutes in my neighborhood. I got fresh air, I stretched my body, I changed my surroundings just for that half hour. I paid attention to the beauty of the flowers and shrubs along the way, I encountered two dozen naked male bike riders (I kid you not), and I thanked a group of adults and kids who were painting giant flowers on the pavement of an intersection four blocks from my apartment. My encounters cheered me up, and the exercise made me feel better.

**Organize something.** Restlessness and dissatisfaction go hand in hand. What could you do that would bring even a small amount of satisfaction? I find that tidying up in some way or organizing something is helpful because an orderly environment helps to calm me down. On the day above, I spent about 10 minutes organizing the cupboard that holds my canned goods. I don't eat too much that isn't fresh anymore, but I do keep nut butter, beans, artichoke hearts, salad dressings, olives, and some organic soups on hand for quick meals. Doing my little inventory gave me the satisfaction of order and helped me jot down a few things on my shopping list.

**Reach out.** Many of us food addicts are loath to speak our discomfort to anyone. We tend to isolate when we aren't doing so well and this makes relapse a lot more likely. Left to our own devices, we don't always make the best decisions. This is a great time to call your food buddy or your 12-Step sponsor. It's also a great time to write a card or a short letter to an old friend; everyone loves to get things in the mail.

**Do a drainer.** Drainers are those little tasks that we keep putting off. They're called _drainers_ because they drain our energy every time we see those items or reminders. On your drainer list could be dropping off the recycling or picking up the cleaning. It could be taking a broken lamp to the repair shop or calling your bank about a suspicious charge or putting something away in the attic. Doing a drainer has two big benefits: It relieves a stressor because that item is no longer draining you, and it provides satisfaction for completing something that needed doing. The drainer I chose was writing a difficult email to an acquaintance.

**Create something.** Making something new is one of the most engaging activities that we can do for ourselves, and being deeply engaged is a great antidote for restlessness. Got paper and pencil? Draw something. It doesn't matter if you're good at it or not, just draw something. Or write a poem. Pick something you can see in your environment and write 10 lines about it. Got a yarn or fabric project you haven't picked up in a while?

Commit 20 minutes to it right now.

**Clean or fix something.** Many of us addicts are inclined to an all-or-nothing way of thinking. We take on huge projects when in reality something much simpler would serve us better. In taming our restlessness, we can do small things. Change a light bulb that's out. Clean out the freezer part of your fridge. Wash the windows in one room. Clean out email files or other computer files. Like drainers, doing these sorts of repairs gives us the two kinds of satisfaction.

**Give your body some attention.** We stay abstinent not only for peace of mind but also for health of body. If you're home and restless, go in the bathroom or bedroom, take off all your clothes and gently rub lotion in as many places as you can reach. At the office? Take off your shoes and gently massage your feet. Or give your hands a good massage with lotion. Floss. Stretch. Do a yoga pose or two.

**Do something good for someone else.** Send a check to an organization you believe in. Buy a bag of apples and drive around and give one to the homeless people you encounter. Write to your political representatives and express your opinion on an issue that's important to you. Call a friend and see how they're doing; don't talk about yourself but instead make the call all about them. If you're in a 12-Step program, go to a meeting; it will do you good and it will support the others.

**Read something new.** Pick up a book from your shelf that you've been meaning to read and read a chapter or two. Or pick up a book that was gift from a friend or a magazine you've had lying around. Look for new ideas as you read or new words or phrasings. If you don't normally read poetry, read some. See if you like it.

**Learn something.** Take a trip to youtube.com, and listen to some music from another culture or an artist you're unfamiliar with. Go to pinterest.com and look at some art that's new to you. Read an article on the politics or social issues of a country you know little about. Memorize the countries and capitals of Africa. You get the idea. Broadening our horizons can go a long way to taming our boredom.

\- Which of these ideas seem appealing to you? Which don't? Why not?

\- Be brave. Pick one of the ideas that you feel resistant about and give it a try. What happened?

\- Who do you know in your family or inner circle of friends who might be willing to try some of these things with you?

\- What variations on these ideas can you come up with?

Learning to sit through an attack of restlessness is always a good idea. The more we learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings and not respond by self-medicating with food, the stronger our recovery from food and sugar addiction becomes. But sometimes we just can't sit still. Using these suggestions can mean the difference between continued abstinence and relapse. I'm choosing continued abstinence and hoping you will too.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 36: THE IMPORTANCE OF DREAMING AND IMAGINING

I've long believed that active addiction is characterized by a failure of the imagination. We can't imagine giving up food as anesthetic and yet we can't imagine continuing to use it because it's killing us. We also often misuse our ability to dream. We fantasize about eating better, losing weight, looking great again, being in control, but we stop short of doing anything about it.

Yet dreaming and imagining are two of the most amazing traits of human beings. Other animals can do some problem-solving, but we have astounding powers to imagine something different and better for ourselves and to figure out how to work towards it. In order to get into long-term abstinence and stay there, we have to develop a skill at imagining and dreaming that allows us to envision and then create the sweeter life between meals.

Imagining as a safeguard for abstinence

When I first got sober, my AA sponsor advised me to take any craving and play out a whole imagined tape of the consequences if I acted on it. So now I apply that practice to abstinence from sugar. I imagine myself accepting the offer of a piece of cake or pie and ice cream. Then I imagine how long it will take for the need for more to set in. In my experience, that's about 10 minutes, and then I'm justifying a second piece or going to the kitchen and sneaking another piece, most likely just cutting it right off the cake and eating it with the knife. Or I'll cut myself a big piece and put it in anything I can find to hide it and put it in my purse. I imagine myself eating that extra piece in the car on the way home and then finding a store that's open and buying a couple of half-gallons of ice cream and some chocolate and some cupcakes or a frozen pie. Then I imagine how sick I'll feel in the morning and I imagine how that won't stop me from eating more sugar. I don't have to imagine the rest: I know it all too well: the weight gain, the self-loathing, the shame, the powerlessness.

Playing out this imagined tape has kept me sober for decades and abstinent for years. It's one of my best uses of my imagination.

\- What would your imagined safeguard tape look like? Try writing it out as a sort of script.

Imagination as rehearsal

A second great use of our imagination is to rehearse ways to protect ourselves. Creating a life that supports our abstinence always involves making changes in how we live. Remember that the life that supported your addiction isn't going to support your recovery. Some things will have to change. And we can use our imagination to help us do that.

We can rehearse saying "no" in our imagination.

When we know in advance we will be confronted with demon foods, we can practice saying no in our minds. We can keep it simple: no lengthy explanation. A friend of mine says, "No, thanks. I don't eat dessert."

If we're going to a family gathering where we know there will be pressure to eat traditional foods with sugar and flour, we can rehearse a conversation with Aunt Ethel or our Nana in which we just keep saying "No, thank you" even if it sounds like a broken record. We can also imagine getting up and leaving the table or leaving the house (I've been known to go for a little walk) while others eat dessert.

One woman I coach has a very difficult relationship with her mother. Quite a few of us do. Addiction of all sorts runs in families as does mental illness. Many of us became food and sugar addicts when we were quite small as a coping mechanism in an unhealthy family. This woman lives in the same city as her very elderly mother and the family has a tradition of Sunday dinner twice a month. Every time, this woman leaves her mother's house, she is so angry that she goes to Dairy Queen and gets a hot fudge sundae. What she knows she needs to rehearse is not saying no to food at her mother's but instead saying no to going to her mother's at all. I know how difficult for her this would be and yet her well-being is threatened by not imagining ways to say no.

\- What could you rehearse in your imagination that would strengthen your abstinence?

\- What do you need to practice saying no to that will help you create a sweeter life between meals?

Dreaming as rehearsing our "yes"

In our active addiction days, many of us used dreaming as a way to reinforce the impossible. We'd fantasize about losing 20 pounds over the weekend or waking up one morning and being in the body we had when we were just out of high school. Or we'd daydream about food and being able to eat all we wanted without any consequences— no weight gain, no indigestion, no high blood sugar readings.

Yet rather than inspiring us to take action, these dreams sank us further into despair and resignation because we knew they weren't going to happen. This sort of misuse of dreaming has not served us. It's really fantasizing and it hasn't led to an improved reality, which is the best use of dreaming. Now we can use dreaming for a positive purpose. We can envision the sweeter life between meals and make concrete plans to move towards it.

\- What big dreams have failed to manifest in your life? What has the impact of that failure been on your ability to imagine and dream?

\- Which of those dreams are still powerful for you? Is there a way to use them as encouragement for creating the life you want?

How then might we dream? We can dream small.

That's right. I know the conventional wisdom is to dream big, go for the gold, reach for the impossible. But in recovery, that's not so good for us. We need dreams that can come true for us, that can reassure us that our dreams and our reality can mesh and manifest. So just like we want right-sized bodies, our best bet is to dream right-sized dreams.

Here are some possibilities for right-sized dreams:

\- Losing 10 pounds in the next three months (smaller body dream)

\- Staying off sugar and flour one day at a time (recovery dream)

\- Taking a painting or writing class for beginners (being an artist dream)

\- Hiring a personal trainer for three months to build muscle (stronger body dream)

\- Changing hair dressers to get a new look (new you dream)

\- Creating a small group of very supportive recovery buddies (being understood dream)

\- Taking a for-credit class at a nearby college or university (going back to school dream)

\- Exploring refinancing your home (easing financial stress dream)

\- Taking a noncredit class in launching a business (working for yourself dream)

\- Finding a great life coach (revamping your life dream)

\- What small dreams are calling to you? What larger dream are they a part of?

\- Which of your small dreams seems most urgent to you right now? What action steps could you take to manifest it?

To create the sweeter life, we need to move our desires from wishes (waiting for it to appear) to goals (where we're willing to do our part). My life in recovery is extraordinary and yours can be too. We just need to step into action through imagining and dreaming in a way that serves us.

Need help with right-sized dreams? Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com about coaching.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 37: UNCONDITIONAL FRIENDLINESS: RECOVERING LOVE FOR OUR BODIES

Many of us food addicts have experienced a lot of weight gain (and loss), and some of us have lived in obesity for long periods. Some of us were heavy as children and have always had bodies that didn't fit the cultural norm. Others of us were thin as children or as young adults and put the weight on as we aged. And while there are a few fat people who wear their pounds with pride, most of us have had a much more adversarial relationship with our extra weight and with our bodies.

Research shows that between 25-40% of food addicts are thin. In some ways, they are at a disadvantage because their impetus to get into recovery is solely emotional, not physical. The rest of us carry the visible signs—and corresponding shame—of all that we've eaten. And all that noticeable excess creates serious difficulties for both body image and body care.

Our culture promotes an ideal of beauty that is underfed, not overfed. (It's of little comfort to us that some cultures prefer big people.) We know we don't measure up to that standard, and we begin to go to considerable lengths to hide our weight not only from others but from ourselves.

\- We wear loose, baggy clothes because we think they make us look smaller. (We also wear them because they are usually more comfortable.)

\- We wear dark clothes because we think they make us look smaller. (At one point, I had 23 black tops in my closet!)

\- We stop wearing some decorative things we enjoy (jewelry, scarves, belts) because they draw attention to larger parts of our bodies.

\- We stop shopping with friends because we don't want them to see us in our underwear in the dressing room.

\- We stop doing some things we enjoy, like swimming, because we don't want anyone to see our bodies.

\- Saddest of all, we stop looking in the mirror because we hate what we see.

Many of us come to hate our bodies. If we've always struggled with weight, we curse our genetics. If we've gained weight after being thin, we curse our bodies for changing, for betraying us. We can no longer see ourselves as gifted with an amazing physical experience. We see only excess body that we can't seem to do anything about. Our body has become the enemy.

\- What has been your relationship with your-too-heavy body?

\- What habits did you adopt to keep from looking at your body or exposing it to the gaze of others?

\- How have you felt about it? If the feelings have been negative, have those feelings moved you to action, to sustainable weight loss, or have they only moved you to despair?

\- How would you like to feel about your body?

Many of us find that as we put down the demon foods and heal up from the cravings, our attitudes about life are changing. When we move away from the dopamine ups and downs of demon foods and into the calm and peacefulness of steady serotonin that vegetables and fruits bring, we can bring that calm and peacefulness into caring about ourselves and the body that lets us experience the world.

A couple of years ago, my memoir writing group got into a discussion of aging and the changes in our looks and abilities. Molly, one of the members, said she had been practicing the advice of Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron, who advocated approaching our bodies with unconditional friendliness. This really resonated with me. I've always balked at the idea "just love yourself." Not because it's too corny, but because for me, with my background, love is very complicated. But friendliness, that I understand and can do.

So how can we treat our bodies with unconditional friendliness? And what does _unconditional_ mean in this context?

_Unconditional_ **means complete acceptance.**

Just as we accept our friends as they are, we begin to accept our body as it is right now. We accept the size, shape, age, smoothness or wrinkles, muscle tone or muscle sag, just as it is right now. We don't put conditions on that acceptance. We stop saying, "I'll accept my body when I lose 50 pounds, or when I get a tummy tuck or a facelift, or when it looks the way it did 30 years ago." We give up all those conditions and accept what we've got.

Acceptance doesn't mean, however, that we give up. Just the opposite. For we also accept responsibility for changing the things we can. Most of us will want to. We will want to become the healthiest possible version of ourselves. Most of us find this is not a hardship. We have more energy from healthy eating; we have more patience and cheerfulness from that steady serotonin. And we can turn that energy, patience, and cheerfulness towards our body.

_Friendliness_ **means we accept our imperfections.**

If we've been seriously fat (I have had as much as 120+ pounds to lose), getting thin is going to mean that we'll have loose skin that will take time to resolve itself. And the older we are when we come to substantial weight loss (I started my permanent weight loss journey at 68), the longer that will take to resolve. So we accept that a lot of nakedness in public is probably not going to be happening. At the same time though, we are going to look so great in our clothes, it won't matter.

Most fat people have smooth faces because the fat under the skin is plumping it up. When we get thin, we discover the wrinkles of age. But we accept that too with good grace because we know that thinner and healthier is better than fat and deceptively youthful.

_Unconditional friendliness_ **means we appreciate our bodies.**

Most of us take our bodies for granted. We don't stop every day and appreciate the miracle of touch, of hearing, of vision, of taste, of smell. We don't consider the miracle of mobility: getting up and down, walking, running, stairs, reaching, carrying. Instead of appreciating all it does for us, we complain about the way our body looks. When we practice unconditional friendliness, we take on a practice of appreciation for all that our body lets us experience. We shift away from how we look to a deep gratitude for what it lets us do.

_Unconditional friendliness_ **means we treat our body well.**

\- We feed it well, avoiding demon foods that cause us to be unhealthy and too heavy.

\- We exercise regularly in ways that strengthen our muscles and joints.

\- We get sufficient sleep and rest and relaxation so our brain and body can work well together.

\- We avoid exposure to toxins and pollution in our environment as best we can.

\- We take good care of our skin, the largest organ in our body, with moisturizing and sun screen.

\- We get regular checkups and take good care of our health and teeth.

We do all this because we know that living a sweeter life between meals is so much sweeter when we have a healthy body to live it in.

\- What would unconditional friendliness to your body look like?

\- What would you be willing to accept?

\- What would you be willing to change?

Our culture encourages us to focus on how we look and to see our bodies as a visual and sexual presentation rather than as a miracle of abilities. We are also taught to compare our looks with those of others and to be critical of how they look and how we look. Shifting to unconditional friendliness is a different way to be—a sweeter, kinder way.

I'd love to hear how you're doing. Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comand let's connect.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 38: WHY SHIFTING EXPECTATIONS AND ENTITLEMENT IS IMPORTANT

The focus of the Life between Meals program is not weight loss. That's a side benefit of healthy eating, no snacks, and moderate meals. But for many of us, weight loss is a serious desire and a good one to have. However, having unrealistic expectations around weight loss or an unrealistic sense of entitlement around the ease of losing it can derail our abstinence.

As I've said before, we live in a culture that is built on chronic dissatisfaction. Why? Because dissatisfaction fuels our economy. If we're dissatisfied, we will spend money to fix that. Take a look at any ads on TV or in magazines: it's all about buying something to be, look, or seem better. But buying into (pun intended) that chronic dissatisfaction isn't good for those of us in recovery for two reasons. First, it keeps us looking outside ourselves for relief; second, it keeps us impatient for a quick fix, when there usually isn't one (not a healthy one, anyway).

So among the many things we have to shift as we strengthen our recovery are our established habits of expectation and entitlement.

Here are some of the unhelpful expectations we may be holding:

\- Weight loss should be rapid.

\- Weight loss should be steady.

\- When I lose the weight I want to lose, I will look like I did in my 20s (30s, 40s, 50s).

\- When I lose the weight I want to lose, all of my other problems and difficulties will disappear.

\- I should be able to lose weight and never be hungry.

\- I shouldn't have to give up my favorite foods to lose weight.

\- I can learn to eat sugar and flour in moderation (my favorite useless expectation by far).

These may sound familiar to you. They should. They are promises that women's magazines use to sell copies (and expose you to their advertisers). Those same magazines often have a major headline on the cover about the latest diet fad right next to a picture of chocolate cake or some other scrumptious-looking dessert. Of course we want to believe these promises. Who wouldn't? Rapid weight loss with no effort? Look as good in three weeks as I did at 20 or 30? I want that. But these ideas, these promises, aren't based in reality.

One of the more damaging results of the kind of promises that magazines and diet programs make is to encourage us to feel a sense of entitlement. Here are some of those.

\- We are entitled to lose weight quickly.

\- We are entitled to not suffer any consequences of overeating—no weight gain, health issues, no guilt or shame.

\- If we lose the weight, we're entitled to look great; in fact, we're entitled to look better than ever. And if we don't, it's unfair and something's wrong with the world.

\- What unrealistic expectations around weight loss and dieting have you had?

\- Have any of those expectations come true? If yes, have they been sustainable? If no, have they harmed you and how?

\- What entitlements around weight loss and recovery do you need to let go of, if any?

In explaining how he was able to write a poem nearly every day of his adult life, poet William Stafford said that the answer was simple. He lowered his expectations. This is good advice for those of us in recovery from food addiction. We can hold fast to our abstinence and the structure we've put in place to support it (for me, that's no sugar or flour and no snacks), and we can keep the "how" and "when" expectations low.

\- We can recognize that it may take several years to reach our goal weight.

\- We can accept that our desire for sugar and other demon foods may be very slow in leaving us and may never go away completely.

\- We can accept that plateaus—where our weight loss slows way down or stops for a time—are going to happen to many of us.

\- We can accept that weight loss is not going to make us younger, that it is not the key to a fountain of youth. And we can rest in knowing that a healthy, right- sized body is a great gift we can give ourselves.

\- We can move—however slowly—towards accepting that weight loss is not going to solve all our problems. Most of us already know this. We've lost the weight (sometimes over and over) and not found the heaven of happiness that we thought would be there.

\- How do you feel when you read the realistic expectations above? If there is sadness and disappointment, what would it take for you to shift into accepting them?

\- What other more realistic expectations around weight loss and body changes could you consider for yourself?

When we commit to our recovery, we commit to seeing things as they really are. And inside that commitment, we lower our expectations to what is feasible, doable, and sustainable. Here are expectations that I'm finding work for me.

Feasible expectations:

\- 1-2 pounds a week or month of weight loss depending on our tolerance for hunger from under-eating and our body's ability to burn

\- The need for regular mild exercise and strength training to build muscle and work off calories

Doable expectations:

\- 3 moderate and satisfying meals a day allowing for maximum calorie burning between them

\- Planning my meals the night before and emailing them to my buddy Sustainable expectations:

\- Giving up pretending that I can someday eat sugar and flour. I have to stay off demon foods for good.

\- Giving up hoping I can snack. Snacks always turn into another meal for me and that will not sustain my weight loss.

There's a huge freedom for me in establishing these expectations. While of course we can't protect ourselves from all disappointments, we can stop setting ourselves up to fail with unrealistic expectations or the chip on the shoulder that comes with entitlement, both of which only encourage us to give up.

\- What feasible expectations can you set for your journey?

\- What doable expectations can you set?

\- What sustainable expectations can you set?

One of the best pieces of advice I got from Susan Peirce Thompson, the founder of Bright Line Eating, the program that helped me get abstinent, is this: If we pay attention to the structure we've created (in my case, the "bright lines" of no sugar and flour, no snacks, and weighing and measuring my food), weight loss will happen; it will take care of itself. But if we only attend to weight loss, the bright lines will crumble and nothing will happen.

This is, I think, is the main reason that so few people sustain abstinence and weight loss. They pay more attention to the numbers on the scale or the inches on their bodies and less to the tasks ahead of them: changing the things in their lives that will support the sweeter life between meals in a right-sized body.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 39: NURTURING OUR CHILD SELF

Many, perhaps most, food addicts have been soothing themselves with food since childhood, some of us very early. If we gained weight, it became obvious to our parents that we were overeating, but they seldom found positive ways to help us stop and even less often wanted to know why. If we didn't gain weight, our self-soothing with treats and other foods most likely remained a secret. Either way, we weren't getting the emotional nurturing we needed to grow and develop in healthy ways. So we turned to food to survive.

Many schools of psychology and philosophy believe that as adults, we are not one separate self but rather made up of several or even many different selves. I'm not talking about what is commonly referred to as _multiple personalities_. I mean, rather, that all that we are and have experienced remains within us, both as memories in our mind and memories in our bodies, and those memories continue to shape us. And that includes the small unhappy child who still wants us to turn to food when the going gets rough.

Some people think of the addict part of us as an irrational self but when I get bored and restless and food seems the only way to solve the problem and ease the feelings, I've come to see that this is my child self pulling on my pant leg, knocking on my chest. She isn't so irrational as much as she's pre-rational. She doesn't want a logical conversation from me about how we can't eat sugar in moderation or how snacking leads to another big meal that our body can't burn. She just wants relief from how she feels.

\- How is your inner child or child self a part of your food addiction? Do you recognize that part of yourself when it appears?

\- How have you responded to those needs in the past? What will have to change in your response for you to stay abstinent?

\- Can you begin to imagine healing these old wounds? What might stand in your way of doing so?

Many of us treat our inner child self the same way we were parented. If we were ignored or rejected, we seldom want to attend to that part of ourselves; we didn't believe ourselves to be worthy of attention then and we may not believe it now. We can seek to understand how our child self feels and what they want. This is not easy work as most of us have long repressed that part of us and rejected our own needs as either irrelevant or impossible to meet. But this can change. It will take time and it will take effort. We will need to set aside quiet time to care for this tender part of us. And it is so worth it.

We can get quiet and listen.

When we give up filling ourselves with food we don't need and the busyness that wears us out, we can create space to heal. Just as we can use morning or evening quiet time to open ourselves to Spirit, we can use it to open ourselves to our child self. Here are a couple of ideas:

\- In your thoughts, ask to understand what happened to yourself as a child and ask that new information come to you about what your child self needs now. Wait patiently. It may take some time for this to be revealed. When it does reveal itself, write it down and reflect on whether you can now fill those needs for yourself.

\- Write a letter to your inner child. Pose two or three questions that would help you understand and heal. Leave the letter somewhere safe but where you can easily access it. Read it and keep those questions in mind as you take your daily walk or shower—times when you're alone and can be reflective. Write down whatever comes up for you.

We can have conversations with the wounded parts of ourselves.

While there are numerous ways to do this, here are two I like to use.

_The empty chair:_ Place two chairs facing each other or side by side. Choose one chair for your adult self and one for your child self. From the adult chair, ask your child self questions. From the child chair, give answers. You may find it helpful to record this conversation and listen to it again.

_Writing with both hands:_ In a big notebook or on a large pad of paper (you'll want big space), use your dominant hand (the one you write with) to ask the questions and your non-dominant hand to answer them. Don't worry about the difficulty or clumsiness of writing with your non-dominant hand. Little kids don't know how to write yet. Plus it will slow you down and let you be with your feelings.

We can speak lovingly to ourselves.

In _The Emotionally Absent Mother_ , Jasmin Lee Cori writes about the difficulties of those of us who were under-mothered, making a direct link between that experience and addiction to food and other numbing substances. (If I could, I'd just copy her whole book for you here. It's amazing.) Early in the book, she lists the 10 messages that the well-mothered child gets from her parents. These messages are not often spoken but the Good Mother, as Cori calls it, demonstrates these ideas in all her interactions with the child.

\- I'm glad that you're here.

\- I see you (being seen is being known).

\- You are special to me.

\- I respect you.

\- I love you.

\- Your needs are important to me. You can turn to me for help.

\- I am here for you. I'll make time for you.

\- I'll keep you safe.

\- You can rest in me (feel at home in my presence).

\- I delight in you and in being with you.

If, like me, you didn't hear some or an y of these messages from your mother or primary caregiver, it is not too late to hear them. We can spend more time with those whose words and actions communicate these ideas: close friends, our own children or grandchildren, our pets. Even more important, we can treat ourselves this way. We can stop abandoning ourselves through the numbing behaviors of addiction. Instead we can keep showing up and telling ourselves these messages until we believe them.

In her wonderful book of exercises to heal the inner child selves, _Recovery of Your Inner Child_ , art therapist Lucia Capacchione observes that our child self has two means of communicating with us: through feelings and through creativity. If you've spent any time around a baby or a toddler, you know the first is true. They experience most everything as feelings, either physical (hunger, thirst, fatigue, etc.) or emotional (like or dislike). And if you've spent any time around young children (3-6 years old), you know they're wildly creative with imaginations in full play a lot of the time and no concern for quality production or comparison with others.

This is good news for us. When we feel our feelings, we have access to our child self. We can stop and attend to the distress or pleasure of all parts of ourselves. And as we develop a creative practice that sustains us (see more on this in Week 43), we can tap into the gifts of the child within us, both for healing and for learning.

Need some one-on-one support? Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comabout coaching via phone or email.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 40: STRENGTHENING THE SUPPORT FROM WITHIN US: MEDITATION, REFLECTION, AND PRAYER

When I first got involved in a 12-Step program, I had a great deal of difficulty with some of the religious and spiritual aspects of the program. I was a confirmed intellectual cynic and I believed in nothing much at all except the power of my own tangible experiences. However, because I was desperate to stay sober, I set my prejudices aside and used the parts of the program that made the most sense to me, leaving the rest for later. That worked for me and I have been sober now for three decades.

Bit by bit over the years, however, I have dropped my cynicism and accepted the kinds of unseen help that strengthen our recovery. I have come to my own understanding of a Higher Power, feeling it to be an essential and inevitable vibration that forms the basis of all we see and experience in the world. In a very real sense, this is a God of my _not_ understanding. I have no need to know how it works or to humanize it into a person or being. But I know it exists because I stay sober and abstinent through more than just my own efforts.

Some of us come into recovery with a solid and satisfying spiritual or religious practice. Others of us don't yet have that support. Either way, there are simple things we can do to tap into the powers within and without so that our commitment to abstinence, however we define it, becomes more and more how we live each moment.

\- What religious or spiritual support do you have coming into recovery from sugar and food addiction? What practices that you already have in place can you use to strengthen your abstinence?

\- What old disappointments, failures, or beliefs might keep you from accessing spiritual support for your recovery?

Meditation

In a culture that rewards overworking and overdoing, it's not surprising that an activity that isn't active might get a bad rap. And some forms of meditation are just that, learning to sit still and do nothing. Many people who try meditation give up quickly and feel justified in doing so. Here's why. They expect to have either a blissful experience or a completely calming experience, and when that doesn't happen, they think they are doing it wrong and give up. Yet meditation can be much simpler than that. It's really just an experience of listening, of being receptive.

In fact, meditation works best when we don't expect anything to happen, when we just accept whatever does happen, when we sit and wait with curiosity. This is a crucial skill for recovery from self-medicating with food. Why? Because our impulse as food addicts is to respond to just about every situation that is uncomfortable (and many that are quite comfortable) in one way: eat something. So in order to rewire our neural pathways and create new habits, we have to find an alternative to eating something and meditation can help us get there.

There are many ways to meditate. Here are a few I use:

\- Sit in a comfortable chair with a view of the sky. Watch the sky for 5-10 minutes. That's it. This can also be done lying in the grass.

\- Sometimes I sit in a comfortable chair and wait. Inevitably one of my cats will come and sit with me and I spend 5-10 minutes in petitation.

\- Spend 10-20 minutes meandering in your neighborhood on foot. Focus on the surroundings, including any natural beauty that comes your way (remember that faces are also a form of natural beauty).

\- Color in a coloring book for 10-15 minutes. Don't make it a big deal. Just choose colors and fill in the design. Let your mind wander as you do.

\- Put on some soothing music and get comfortable and just float on the music.

\- Be present during a hot shower.

\- Read a line or two in a meditation book or other inspiring reading material. Think about what you read for a few minutes.

\- Ask a question in your journal and write down whatever answers come.

\- Find a Buddhist or other meditation group to sit with and see how you like it.

Note: If not knowing how much time is going by makes you anxious, use the timer on your phone or microwave so you don't have to think about it.

\- If you've shied away from meditation as too hard, do any of the ideas above appeal to you to try? How willing would you be to do one of these a couple of times a week or more?

\- Do you already have a meditation practice? Is there something about it you could change to make it more satisfying?

Prayer

My relationship with formalized prayer has long been problematic. As a traumatized child, I prayed for help and relief and got none that I recognized although I survived and perhaps that is a form of help. And when I first walked into 12-Step meetings, I refused to participate in the opening and closing prayers. I didn't believe in it or in any kind of god. But over my many years of recovery, I've come to have a sort of dialog with the Great Mystery, as I name it, and for me that's prayer. I also have other practices that put me in touch with what I want for myself and for others.

Just like meditation, prayer can look many ways:

\- A dialog in our journal between us and our Higher Self or the Great Mystery

\- A conversation in our mind between us and Source

\- A conversation out loud between us and Source, perhaps on our morning walk, in the shower, or while driving

\- A repeated mantra as a desire for us and a gift for others: Peace, Love, Be with Me

\- A special prayer journal in which we write out our gratitude and requests to the Universe

\- Centering prayer or another group practice such as a prayer circle

\- Saying grace at meals

\- Blessing everything and anything that comes our way, good or bad

\- Two great books have come across my desk recently and I recommend them as a different way of looking at prayer:

\- _Help, Thanks, Wow: The Three Essential Prayers_ by Anne Lamott

\- _Change Me Prayers_ by Tosha Silver

\- How might a brief ritual of prayer help make your day and your life more sacred?

Reflection

For those of us who are not interested in the God conversation or who find it too problematic at this stage of our recovery to explore this, adopting a practice of quiet and reflection can serve much the same purpose as meditation or prayer in strengthening our abstinence. A few minutes of quiet and solitude does wonders for the mind, the heart, and the body.

The important piece of this for us is to step out of our normal activities and our usual responses to our stresses and just breathe. Remember that our goal is change our reactions to what goes on around us and within us so that we can leave food alone and find another way of responding.

We don't need to actually reflect on anything in the literal sense of reflection, meaning to consider seriously. Reflection can be just a pause, a chance to gather ourselves back into a calm state, to breathe deeply and fully before taking another action. Reflection can be used to slow our impulses and keep us from breaking our abstinence.

\- How might brief periods of reflection serve you and your abstinence?

\- Which of the practices mentioned here might be a place to start?

Choosing long-term abstinence is a really big commitment and we need all the help we can get. We need help from supportive friends and family, from other abstinent folks, and from all the positives forces in the Universe that wish us well. Meditation, prayer, and reflection can help us tune into the support that's available both inside and outside us, both seen and unseen.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 41: BEING WITH FOOD IN A NEW WAY: LOVE AND APPRECIATION

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately and wanting to improve my skills in being both with others and with myself. And I'm finding that I want and need a new relationship with food as well.

My old relationship with food was one of use and abuse. Instead of using it for its intended purpose—nourishing my physical body—I used it for all kinds of other purposes: as a drug to modulate my mood, as an anesthetic to relieve my pain and sometimes my physical discomfort, as entertainment, as something to do when I was bored. I sometimes ate for no reason at all; I ate just because I could.

Worst of all, I used food unconsciously a great deal of the time. While I may have been conscious that I was hungry or wanted something, once I said yes to that desire, my attention went elsewhere. I went on eating of course, usually until I was uncomfortable (that was my cue to stop), but I wasn't present to what I was doing.

\- In your addiction to sugar and food, what has your relationship with food been like? Have you been unconscious like I was or have you fully attended to each bite?

\- Have you used food for some of the same reasons I have? Are there other reasons you've used or abused food?

\- What are the negative impacts of your current relationship with food?

Some people just aren't interested in food. They enjoy it if it's good but they don't mind much if it's not, as long as their hunger goes away. It's just not that important to them. I've long envied those folks. They may not get as much pleasure from food as I do, but they don't suffer from food like I do. But if I'm honest with myself, pleasure is only a side effect of food for me too. Most of the time, I'm eating it too quickly and too unconsciously to get the real pleasure out of it anyway. So how do I—or we—as food addicts come into a different way of being with food?

We can create an intention to have a new relationship.

We can make a decision to be with food differently. We can decide what kind of emotional relationship we want with food, and then we can set an intention to create that. Just as we can change any relationship with our love and attention, we can change our relationship with food the same way.

My biggest goal in life is to live in spaciousness and peace of mind. So I want to apply this goal to my relationship with food. I want to move towards creating peace of mind with food, and to do that, I have to have new solid habits. Here are some possibilities:

\- When I get a craving to eat demon foods or snack or eat more than my meal, I can slow down and turn my attention to my feelings. I can just be with them. If that seems impossible, I can choose a response that doesn't involve food; I can do something else that engages me or soothes me.

\- Similarly, I can proactively work to heal old emotional wounds, the wounds that created the first cravings and that are still being reactivated by stress.

\- When confronted with demon foods (grocery store samples, the candy aisle, a birthday party), I can practice saying _no thank you_ and move away. If I do this enough times, it will become automatic and the feelings of regret or loss will stop happening because I won't associate saying no with those feelings.

We can shift how we consume food.

The very nature of an intention is to be conscious of what we are intending. So we can commit to being conscious in how we use food: consciously buying it, consciously preparing it, consciously eating it, consciously not eating it. I'm not talking about hypervigilance, which leads us to be afraid of food. I'm talking about a kinder, gentler relationship. Here's how that could look for me:

\- I consciously follow a clear food plan of what I do and don't eat.

\- I have good knowledge of the quantities of vegetables, fruits, and protein that I need to buy, prepare, and eat at each meal. That knowledge informs my shopping because I am shopping with attention to my food plan so what's in my cart at the checkout stand is all on my food plan.

\- Most importantly, when I eat, I give my food attention. I come to the table open to receive the food and have it serve me well, giving me energy and satisfaction and strengthening my immune system.

We can appreciate our food, others, and ourselves.

Because, as addicts, food is the site of our struggle, it can become the site of our greatest transformation. We can use each meal as an opportunity to offer love and kindness to ourselves, we can come to the table with gratitude for what's in front of us, and we can ask that our bodies make good use of the nutrients.

Spiritual and religious programs have long recognized the importance of a thoughtful relationship with food. That's why so many traditions have a grace or blessing that is said before meals. If it feels right, we can use a prayer from our childhood. But if your childhood was problematic or if meals were a time of strife, using a reminder of that time will not be helpful. So we can create a blessing or ritual that works for us. Even something as simple as pausing before beginning to eat and saying "Thank you" out loud helps us remember our intention.

In that pause, we can also send a word or thought of thanks to all those beings— human, plant, or animal—who have participated in what we are about to eat. Our meals can be a way to feel ourselves less alone and more deeply connected into the web of life.

And last, we can appreciate ourselves and our tender hearts that want only to be loved and nurtured. We can forgive our misguided attempts to get that from food and renew our commitment to get those needs met in healthier ways.

\- What new emotional relationship would you like to cultivate with food? How might that look? What would you need to do to create that?

\- What would a conscious relationship with food look like for you?

\- What kind of ritual or blessing could you bring to your meals? Consider creating three versions: one for times when you are alone at home, one for times when you eat with others, and one for times when you eat in public.

What would peace of mind around food feel like for you? Is this something you would like to work towards?

**One last idea:** As we eat, we can remember that one meal at a time, we are changing the way we relate to food. We are letting go of our obsessive, compulsive need to use food to escape our reality and instead we are embracing its use as fuel for our minds and bodies so we can reshape a reality that supports our abstinence.

Struggling with abstinence? Let me know how I can help get you back on track.  jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.com

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 42: IMAGINING COURAGEOUSLY: CHANGING THE THINGS WE CAN

We've talked before about how stuck we can get in active addiction, thanks to an impaired imagination. We can't imagine surviving life without overeating or sugar and yet we can't imagine going on the way we are: struggling with guilt, self-loathing, weight gain, health problems. For most of us, our struggle becomes less about the size of our bodies and more about the size of our suffering.

It takes courage to move into recovery. Active addiction has worked very well for us. In fact, it works too well. It promises pleasure, which it delivers, and it anesthetizes us from our pain, however briefly. So choosing a different way of engaging with life is hard. This is why recovery statistics are so low: Only about 10% of us are able to stay abstinent for the long term. Yet we all have the capacity to get abstinent and to stay that way.

All human beings are blessed with courage. It's a built-in feature of the human heart. In our culture of fantasy and romanticism, we tend to think that only heroes and superheroes have courage. But we all do. Our courage may not be flamboyant and likely to get our story on the 6:00 news, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. All of us do small courageous acts every day. Maybe we step away from an abusive situation or relationship. Maybe we step in to help someone even though it's inconvenient. Maybe we stand up to a bully or stop bullying ourselves.

In her wonderful books, Brené Brown likens living with courage to being in the arena. We stop being in the audience. We stop being in the grandstands. We are actively speaking up for ourselves and others. We don't sit back and let others carry the burden of doing what's right. We are pursuing our best lives and helping others to do so. In a very real sense, life in recovery from addiction is life in the arena.

\- Can you think of times in your past when you were courageous? When you spoke up for yourself or for another? When you did something that you needed to do even though it was hard?

\- Pick one of the experiences above and explore it in your journal. How did you feel before and after? What impulse did you follow that pulled you into courageous action? How did you feel about yourself after doing it? How do you feel about yourself now looking back?

Most of us think of courage as an action or an event, and of course it usually manifests that way. But I like to think of it as both a muscle that we can exercise and a practice that we can build on. We can build a habit of courageous imagining, planning, and acting.

Imagining Courageously

Although many of us claim we don't know what we want, we just aren't used to using our courage to figure that out. And actually we all want most of the same things.

\- Good health. Contentment. Love and affection. A safe place to live.

\- Peace of mind and peace of heart. Good friends to spend time with.

\- Sufficient money to meet our needs and those we care for. Some extra money for treats.

\- A way to express our creativity, however that may manifest. Ways to learn and grow.

\- Interesting, satisfying work.

\- Regular exposure to beauty and to nature in a safe, clean environment.

The specifics may be different for each of us, but this list is a great place to start imagining courageously.

So what does it mean to _imagine courageously_? To me, this means that we begin to think about our futures differently, without limits, without "yeah, but." Of course, there are a few things we cannot change. But they really aren't very many and they're all external.

Here's what I know I can't change: My age. My past. My choice not to have children. That's about it. That's all I can think of that I absolutely can't change.

There are also things I don't want to change: my ethnicity, my gender, my nationality. My sobriety, my abstinence. But that's a small number too. Everything else can be fluid _if I want it to be._

\- What things in addition to those listed above do you want? Add them to the list.

\- What things in your life do you know you cannot change?

\- What things in your life do you know you don't want to change?

\- How does it make you feel to think that everything else can change if you want it to? Curious? Hopeful? Intrigued?

Getting Specific

If courage is a muscle we can develop and a practice we can build, then we can use it to create a life that supports our recovery, our peace of mind, and our happiness. We can use the list of things that we want to begin to explore the possibilities. Setting the aside the how's and how much's for now, we develop a practice of imagining courageously.

\- We imagine our bodies in great health. We imagine getting there with energy and enthusiasm.

\- We imagine our days full of creativity, peace, and interesting work that pays us well.

\- We imagine loving and affectionate relationships with our partner, family, and friends.

\- We imagine our debts paid and a healthy balance in a savings account.

\- We imagine a safe and beautiful world that works for all of us.

Here's the trick. We don't this imaginative work in some vague, general way. We do it in specifics. We use our senses and our bodies as well as our minds to create these images. Here are a couple of examples:

\- We see ourselves waking up rested and alert each morning. We see ourselves getting out of bed with a minimum of stiffness or soreness, eating a good breakfast, and enjoying choosing what we will wear for the day. We feel curious about the day ahead and look forward to the challenges and satisfactions it will bring. We leave in plenty of time to get to work or whatever else we're committed to. We arrive just as peaceful as when we left home.

\- We see ourselves writing the last check to a credit card company, thus paying off our debt and eliminating that burden. Or we see ourselves on the first of each month (or whatever our pay day is) transferring money into our savings account and celebrating the growing balance. We've established a good budgeting system that has us spending sanely and consciously and living well within our means.

Do we take on all these imaginings at one time? We could, but most of us pick an area of life and focus on it, for example, improving our physical well-being or our financial health. Once we've made some progress there, we choose another area and use our courage to make changes in that next arena. In time, we attend to all the arenas.

Of course, imagining, even imagining courageously, is not the only thing we have to do to create a sweeter life. We have to follow that imagining with courageous action. We have to eat right, exercise, keep our bodies safe. We may have to change jobs, create a business of our own, or retire. We may have to do counseling with spouse or family members. We may have to take our spending in hand to get free of debt. But all of this and so much more is possible.

We can start small, finding the courage for small changes. We then experience the satisfaction of acting for our own highest good and that of others. That satisfaction feeds the next courageous action. And so on. We change what's outside by first changing what's inside: what we believe is possible.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 43: GETTING BACK ON TRACK: WHEN DEMON FOODS COME CALLING

For many of us food addicts, getting abstinent is not the big challenge. We know how to eat moderately and well for two weeks or six weeks or even a few months. After all, we're champion dieters. It's the long haul that baffles us, the forever commitment. And there are three obstacles that usually get in our way.

First, there's the pleasure. We don't want to give up the pleasure. Who would? Most of us binge and obsess about foods that taste really good. Some of them are even engineered by modern chemists to be that way, so yummy that we will buy and eat more and more. (To learn more about "hyperpalatable" foods, I recommend David Kessler's _The End of Overeating_ : Kessler was the country's Surgeon General and a self- avowed sugar addict.) My own penchant has always been for sweet and creamy: pudding, desserts with lots of whipped cream, and of course the perfect food—ice cream. I got immense pleasure from these foods and it wasn't easy to give them up.

Second, there's the social connection. People bond over food, entertain with food, socialize with food. And in our culture, many people have moved from three meals a day to endless snacking, so that chances are, if you meet someone for tea in the afternoon, food will be involved, or if you show up unexpectedly, you'll be offered something to eat. Of course, we can say no. We get practiced at saying no. But it's tiring to do that over and over. We get resentful. Not at other people who want us to eat with them but at ourselves, at our addiction, that makes us different, that keeps us separate. Our commitment begins to crumble. We just want to belong.

Third, some of it is the nature of addiction itself. We have created a deep groove in our brains and in our memories of the relief of anesthetic for whatever ails us. This groove doesn't fade easily. And sadly, if we break our abstinence and then play the in/out game (abstinent a few days, relapse, abstinent, relapse), that brain groove gets fully reactivated and we're mired in cravings again.

\- If you are abstinent, which of the three obstacles is most likely to lead you away from abstinence? Why do you think that's likely? How might you guard against it?

\- If you aren't currently abstinent, which of the three obstacles is the biggest for you? How might you overcome it?

Identifying Our Relapse Triggers

We've talked before about what foods trigger us to binge or overeat (Week 24) and how we're so much better off not having those foods around. However, situations can also trigger us even without food around.

Some of these triggering situations involve friends and family and require courage to shift. A woman I mentioned before stops for a hot fudge dessert after every Sunday dinner with her mother, who's critical and demeaning. Soothing herself with demon foods after these repeated assaults seems essential to her in the moment, a deeply worn groove in her brain and habits. She's now working with a therapist to find her courage and say no to these dinners. Another acquaintance belonged to a women's group from her office that met weekly in a Mexican restaurant for margaritas and big dinners. When the group was unwilling to shift the venue to a healthier restaurant or a member's home, she found the courage to leave the group. Now she's forming another dinner group of women at work who are abstinent or working on it.

Some triggering situations involve just us. My friend Janet struggles with food when she's alone in the evening. She's pretty social and likes to spend time at night with friends or activities. She's learned that sitting in her living room watching TV alone is a big trigger so she's choosing not do that. Instead she retreats to her bedroom sanctuary where she reads or connects with friends online. When TV evenings made me restless enough to keep eating, I took up needlepoint again to keep my hands and mind occupied.

In fact, boredom and restlessness are my biggest triggers. I work as a freelance editor and some of the projects are not all that interesting. For decades I used food to help me stay in my chair and keep working. Now I can't do that anymore. So I have to find other ways to soothe myself and satisfy my mind so that I can stay away from food.

It's important to identify those feelings or situations that trigger our need to soothe with food. Most of us find that the emotional triggers are seldom a one-time event, like the death of a loved one or a traffic accident. Instead they are repeated experiences that wear down our commitment to abstinence. Here are some of the triggering situations that some of us have encountered:

\- Repeated arguments with a teenage son or daughter

\- Chronic criticism from a parent or from a supervisor at work

\- Commuter traffic aggravation

\- Too much time alone

\- Boring or repetitive work

\- Feeling chronically under-appreciated at home or work

\- Chronic worry about money

What's most important to notice here is that none of these are inevitable although they may feel that way. It's always good to remember that committing to abstinence is committing to changing what we can.

\- What situations have triggered relapse for you in the past? Make a list and include as much detail as is helpful for fully understanding those situations.

\- Which of those situations are still showing up in your life? Make a second list.

\- In the second list, rate each item from 1 to 10 with the amount of courage it would take to modify or eliminate that trigger. 1 = _no real effort_ and 10 = _can't imagine that's possible_

Getting Back on Track

Although long-term abstinence is very hard—after all, we have to deal with food several times a day—it is still easier to stay abstinent than to repeatedly try to regain abstinence. This is just a law of the universe: it's easier to keep going in one direction than to keep changing direction. So our primary need is to develop and maintain our abstinence, however we define it.

But when that definition begins to get hazy (a little of this, a bite of that) or we make a conscious decision to choose demon foods or to overeat or binge, we are at a turning point. We can go back to life the way it was before, which is really a form of slavery, or we can right our course, find our courage again, and choose freedom. From my own struggles, I know how much easier it is to say this than to do it. How seductive the idea of eating whatever we want whenever we want it! And I know only too well the consequences of that: weight gain, self-loathing, guilt, health issues.

So what can support us?

\- Talking with a trusted friend who understands what you're going through and who will let you come to your own courageous decision. Keeping our behavior a secret can be dangerous for us.

\- Attending a support group meeting and sharing in all honesty. Again, bringing your struggle out into the open with people who can empathize can work wonders.

\- Making a change to the sweeter life that you've been delaying (decluttering your home, signing up for an art class, starting the search for a more rewarding job, asking your family for support). Getting engaged and active around things that don't involve food is a great support.

\- If restlessness and boredom are an issue, try some of the ideas in Weeks 35 and 44.

I don't know if relapse is inevitable. Recovery from some other addictions, like alcohol, drugs, and gambling, is more straightforward. You just don't do that behavior anymore. Eating issues are more complicated, more nuanced. But what I do know is that if our lives don't become considerably more peaceful and more satisfying, soothing with food will not lose its grip on us. And we're the only ones who can make that happen.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 44: CREATING OUR WAY OUT OF BOREDOM: SELF-EXPRESSION AS SUPPORT FOR ABSTINENCE

I've finally found a word for the hunger that arises in my body when I'm bored, restless, or anxious: I'm calling it _faux hunger_. While I started self-medicating with food for the chronic anxiety I felt as a child, I soon discovered that eating a lot of flour and sugar and fat also relaxed me and made me not care that I was bored or restless. That connection became a well-grooved habit in my brain, so much so that today whenever I'm bored, I feel this faux, or false, hunger, this urge to eat and take the edge off the feelings—or smother them completely with sugar and fat. So in order to preserve my abstinence, I have to find other ways to deal with the three sisters. As we saw in Week 35, restlessness can often be subdued by getting physical. Boredom, on the other hand, is mental, perhaps even intellectual.

What is boredom anyway? Boredom occurs when we have energy we would like to devote to something, but we can't find anything engaging enough to devote it to. It may be that we have a task at hand that just isn't engaging and yet we must complete it. This happens for me with paid work sometimes. Not every editing project I get hired to do is riveting and some of them aren't even interesting. But it's how I make my money.

Other times boredom can be tinged with disappointment. Maybe we had a date to do something with a friend and the friend cancels. Our energy was all geared up to do one thing and now we must find another. And sometimes, we just can't figure out what's going to engage us.

Boredom in and of itself isn't dangerous. It's how we respond to it that can be problematic. And if you're a food addict like me and have wired your brain to respond to boredom with food, it can be a big problem.

\- Are food and boredom connected for you as they are for me?

\- How have you dealt with boredom in the past? What non-food activities have helped you do that?

One of my difficulties in early abstinence was realizing that some of the main ways I engaged my mind when I got bored—watching TV, going to a movie, reading—were tied up with food. I ate while I watched TV, I ate at the movies, I loved to read and eat ice cream bars. So turning to these same activities in abstinence wasn't helpful. The faux hunger just got stronger. While I could do these activities a little differently and that would help, I knew I needed something else, something more engaging, something that would reliably and consistently soothe and satisfy me.

To my great surprise, I turned to creative self-expression, aka making art. I say

"surprise" because as for many of us, my childhood art endeavors were not met with encouragement. One teacher in junior high even told me I should find another pastime as I had no talent. I didn't know then that art-making is almost entirely a developed skill and that no talent is required: just dedication and enjoyment.

What's also true is that creative self-expression is another muscle we can develop to strengthen our abstinence. In addition to engaging our minds, it helps us practice problem-solving in new ways. And it focuses us on process rather than on product just like recovery. When we stay focused on the doing of it rather than the end result, our efforts are more easily rewarded. And if we can quiet our inner critic, creative self- expression brings joy and contentment.

I love this definition of full creative self-expression: _the regular and sustained practice of creating and making for personal enrichment, fulfillment, and joy._ Notice that this definition is about _personal_ enrichment, not _professional_ enrichment. Creative self-expression isn't about selling anything. It's about filling ourselves up. It's an antidote to boredom, restlessness, and anxiety. It focuses and engages our minds and our hearts, taming what's upset within us.

\- Do you have early art scars like I do? Can you bring encouragement and kindness to the creative child inside you?

\- Are there other unhelpful stories about art-making that you can let go of in service to strengthening your abstinence?

Here are some ideas and suggestions that helped me develop an art-making practice that serves my abstinence and sobriety.

**Start small.** It helped me a great deal to start small. In fact, I started with coloring books, markers, and colored pencils. They were soothing, meditative, and fun. I made pages that were colorful and lovely to me. Here are some other small ideas.

\- Instead of buying a pot of already planted flowers, choose ones you like and plant the pot yourself.

\- Combine some interesting new things into a salad or baked dish.

\- Write some short poems.

\- Write in a journal every day for 10 minutes for a month.

\- Create an ongoing collage. File folders make great backing. Add one new image, word, or phrase every day for a month.

What small creative effort could you take on?

**Think broad.** Creative self-expression isn't just painting and sculpture. Think cooking, gardening, singing, quilting, needlepoint, knitting, sewing, dancing, performing, writing. All of these activities are available to most of us. The trick is to find one that interests us and see what we can create.

**Lower our expectations.** My drawing teacher once observed that most people give up on creative self-expression because they compare their beginning efforts with the products of people who've been doing it for decades. Don't do that. Recognize that you're a beginner and appreciate that part of the journey. Just as adopting the Buddhist idea of Beginner's Mind can help us get through each day of abstinence, so too it can help us develop a satisfying creative practice.

**Choose quantity over quality.** Whether it's omelettes or pottery, poetry or painting, the more we do something, the better we get. Any form of art-making takes skill and skill only happens through practice and repetition. So make a lot of paintings or poems or quilts, even if they're crappy. Practice definitely makes better.

**Do it with a friend or a group.** Having an art-making buddy is a wonderful thing. There's a synergy that happens when two or more people are working creatively, whether in silence or in conversation. Some of our best work can happen that way. And making a date to make art means we'll make more. However, look for a collaborator, not a competitor.

**Take a class.** Getting instruction isn't the only reason to sign up for a group experience. We'll meet other beginners (maybe find a buddy) and get inspired by how different people's work is. Seeing those differences helps us accept our own unique take on the world. Do vet the teacher beforehand to be sure he or she is the encouraging kind.

**Get inspired.** Take a trip to a local museum, gallery, art store, bead store. Don't buy. Just look and get ideas. Listen to what moves you, what intrigues you. Then start thinking of ways to create something that expresses your love and interest.

Lots of great resources exist to inspire and guide you into fuller creative self-expression. Here are a few of my favorites:

_Creative Conversations_ by Bridget Benton

_The Artist's Way_ by Julia Cameron

_Art & Fear_ by David Bayles and Ted Orland

_Coaching the Artist Within_ and other creativity books by Eric Maisel

_Art and Soul_ by Pam Grout

_Finding What You Didn't Lose_ by John Fox

_Sober Play: Using Creativity for a More Joyful Recovery_ by Jill Kelly

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 45: DOING MORE OF WHAT INSPIRES US: KEEPING THE MEANINGFUL FRONT AND CENTER

Most discussions of recovery don't include any conversation about the importance of the meaningful in our lives. Yet, this can be a cornerstone of long-term abstinence. In 12-Step programs, there's a belief that we drink or eat or use drugs to fill a "hole in the soul." In a sense, I think that's true, that something is missing in us and for us and we use whatever means necessary to avoid that empty feeling.

Overeating or bingeing or starving doesn't actually fill the hole, of course. It just makes us numb so that we don't feel the emptiness. When we stop self-medicating, we must find a way to satisfy that sensation of something missing. Instead of being frightened of it, we can take it as a nudge to seek meaningful activities that can heal it.

Defining the meaningful is not easy because it is so individual. What gives my life meaning may well not evoke the same feeling in you. However, the desire for meaning in our lives seems to be universal. It shows up in the body as a feeling and a knowing, a sense of satisfaction and contentment. So it's no wonder that incorporating more of the meaningful into our lives will support our abstinence.

\- Where in your body do you experience _meaningful_? Describe the feeling as best you can. "It's like ."

\- What have been some of the most meaningful experiences of your past. List three.

\- Describe these experiences in as much detail as you can. Where were you? Who was with you? What happened? How did you feel?

\- Now explain as best you can _why_ these experiences felt meaningful to you.

When we stop self-medicating with food, a lot of possibility opens up for us. This can be very scary at first as we are used to living a very narrow life: food, work, food, responsibilities for self or family, food. We are used to a life that's about preventing pain, not pursuing satisfaction and meaning. But as we move further into abstinence, our view begins to open up and then the pursuit of the meaningful becomes feasible. We can take our newfound energy and actively move towards a rich, meaningful life.

Here are some kinds of activities that often lead us to meaningful experiences:

**Bringing joy to others.** One of my sisters works at an arts center in a small town. She writes grants that take art-making to kids who live in tiny, impoverished rural communities. The transformation in the lives of these children is worth all the effort to make it happen. My other sister raises a breed of small dogs that make excellent pets. She works hard socializing the puppies and matching their temperaments with the families she selects for them. The joy she sees in these relationships is a big part of the meaningful in her life. A woman I know here in Portland belongs to a group called the Tone Rangers. They go around and sing show tunes in nursing homes.

**Being useful.** Every day there are a dozen ways that we can be useful to others and to ourselves. I water the lawn and the shrubs in my apartment complex. A gardener comes occasionally to mow and weed but no one waters. It's not my job, it's my offering. A friend of mine in Pennsylvania walks her neighborhood each morning. She carries a plastic bag and puts the litter she finds in it. A woman I know in AA drives one day a week for Meals on Wheels.

**Supporting others' efforts.** My next-door neighbor Melanie volunteers for a local hospice organization as a relief caregiver. She goes once a week for an afternoon and sits with the patient while the primary caregiver gets those hours off to run errands, go to a movie, or take a nap.

**Being kind and generous.** I meet a friend for lunch sometimes in an are east of me. Near a main intersection, an elderly Vietnam Vet panhandles with a sign that says "Help needed for my wife and cat." I always give him $20 and some cans of cat food. We don't talk long and he may not remember me. It's less the donation that is meaningful to me, although it is, as the fact that I think about him and plan ahead to be sure I have cat food with me when I go that way.

**Learning something new about the world.** Meaningful experiences often occur when we are operating out of curiosity. For my friend Jan, that means travelling every chance she gets. She usually travels alone and on a modest budget, which puts her in contact with the local people. She does a lot of reading before she goes so she has some appreciation for the culture. An acquaintance who doesn't have the funds or health to travel helps others start up book clubs that focus on the conditions of women in the world. She offers a reading list and questions on each book that lead the club members into deep and meaningful conversations about their lives and the lives of others.

**Sharing our skills and life wisdom.** Every one of us has some skill, talent, or knowledge we can share. Food banks often offer courses for young families in cooking well and eating well and they need teachers. Elementary schools are overcrowded and understaffed in many areas and welcome volunteers. SMART programs match adults one on one with young kids who are learning to read. Literacy programs for adults always need volunteers. Older adults need the help of younger adults to figure out how to use a computer. Nonprofits and churches need skills of all kinds. So before you say you have nothing to offer, think again.

**Living cheerfully.** When my mother died, my father vowed to make someone smile every day as a tribute to his love for her. In order to do that, he smiled all the time and at everyone, no matter what he was feeling inside. We all love to be around cheerful people. Their upbeat energy is usually contagious. Those of us who are recovering from food addiction by eating a ton of vegetables are great candidates for living cheerfully as our bodies are getting a steady supply of serotonin, a feel-good brain chemical.

**Creating something beautiful.** I believe that creating anything of beauty is a revolutionary act in today's world of destructive violence, greed, and hatred. When we create something with love, we help right the balance of the universe. Even the smallest act of beauty is worth doing: nurturing a plant on a window sill, picking up litter, planting a tree, loving an animal, painting a picture, throwing a pot, knitting a colorful scarf. It all helps.

**Cultivating patience, tolerance, and a loving heart.** When I was an active alcoholic and then an active food addict, I lived in a lot of impatience and frustration. I didn't know then that what I was ingesting was contributing to my mood. Now that I'm clean of demon foods and alcohol, I have much more access to patience and tolerance because my nervous system is much, much healthier. I can see now that it is possible to cultivate those attitudes, to consciously develop a more loving heart as a meaningfulness practice.

\- What organizations do you know that bring joy to others? How might you get involved?

\- What opportunities today could you take to be useful?

\- How might you support the efforts of others?

\- How could you widen your perspective on the world and help others to do so too?

\- What might happen if you made a conscious effort to find a way to be kind and generous every day?

\- What skills or talents could you share with individuals or an organization?

\- What would it take for you to adopt cheerfulness as a prevailing attitude in your life?

Not all of us think about our life experiences as meaningful. In a culture focused on pleasure and acquisition, meaning can come in a distant third in priority so it can be harder to talk about the meaningful with friends. But even if people can't talk about it, they can feel it and we can share our meaningful experiences with them, not as something they should do but as something they could do. What if we stayed abstinent as a way to bring more peace and patience and tolerance into the world, starting with us?

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 46: EMBRACING HAPPINESS: LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT A BIG PROBLEM

Most of us have suffered from and with our addiction to food and other soothing substances and behaviors for longer than we want to remember. More than 60 years for me. That's a long time to live in the grip of negative emotions: guilt, worry, self- loathing, self-criticism as well as the criticism and disapproval of others if we carry extra weight. Although we've hated that, we've learned to live with it as if it's inevitable. But the truth is, it's not inevitable. And to let that emotional habit go, we have to learn to embrace happiness.

As we saw in Week 39, inside most food addicts and chronic overeaters is a deeply wounded child. And deeply wounded children fear happiness. Crazy, right? Why would anyone be afraid to be happy? Well, because it doesn't last. And in our childhood experiences, what followed a brief period of happiness wasn't usually something neutral but rather something awful. Arguments, neglect, emotional abandonment, some form of suffering. So we've spent years, if not decades, trying to just stay neutral, aka numb. But the sweeter life between meals is not about finding a non-food way to stay neutral. It's about living in contentment and, yes, even outright happiness.

\- What was the emotional climate of your childhood and adolescence? How have the negative emotions fueled your disordered eating?

\- What has been your relationship with happiness? If it's been simple, describe that. If it's been complicated, describe that. Note: You may find this a difficult thing to think and write about. Being unhappy about our experience of unhappiness can be both complicated and discouraging. But learning about it can help us know what needs to shift.

Addiction is all about habit. And like all addicts, those of us with food addiction have embraced the habit of living inside a big problem. It's not only extra weight we carry but the burden of the problem itself. It's always with us, weighing us down. It becomes such a part of who we are that we can be afraid to let it go. That's irrational, of course, but very little about addiction is rational. Instead, it is emotional and habitual.

So here's where the happiness dilemma comes in. Relapsing back into overeating and bingeing can be triggered as much by our fear and distrust of happiness as by our cravings for demon foods.

Addiction feeds (pun intended) on our willingness to see it as so integral to who we are that we won't be able to live without it, not only without the food to soothe us but without a big problem to define us. Who and how will we be if we don't have this big, chronic, miserable problem anymore? Isn't it easier to stay with the problem we know?

\- How long have you have had your problem with overeating or medicating with food? Is this the biggest problem in your life or the problem you've had the longest?

\- What is your relationship with the problem as an identifying part of who you are?

\- Are you afraid to let go of this problem? Have you ever explored this idea before? What might happen if you solved the problem and were free?

So how do we learn to embrace happiness rather than run from it by numbing out?

First, we let go.

_We let go of our old story and write a new one._ We accept that our past made us afraid, and we haven't been wary of happiness for no reason. As children, we had good reason to be wary. It was safer not to indulge in happiness and because that isn't how human beings are wired—we are wired _for_ happiness—we felt something was wrong with us. But it wasn't something wrong with us; it was something wrong with our environment. And now we aren't children, and we can change whatever is wrong with our environment.

_We let go of our old environment and begin to create a new one._ _Environment_ here is meant very broadly. It can mean our physical surroundings (if we're living in a place that has bad memories or working in a place where any of the staff are demeaning or abusive). It can mean our relationship environment. Are we spending time in a circle of friends who are also addicted to demon foods and have no intention of moving into recovery? That's not good for us. Are we spending regular time with family members who perpetuate the emotional neglect or abuse of our childhood?

That's not good for us either.

_We let go of our old beliefs and attitudes and adopt new ones._ Many of us fell into resignation and cynicism early on. We felt powerless as children or adolescents to impact our experiences, and that powerlessness was confirmed by choices we made later. Many of us have chosen friends or partners who have replicated our early neglect or abuse. I've chosen men who were as unavailable as my father and some women friends who have been as critical and unpredictable as my mother. From the outside, that makes little sense but from where we have been standing, it's logical. It's what we've known. Unhappiness has been our normal. But now we can create a new normal.

We can also give up our belief in the inevitability of overeating and bingeing and having to medicate with food. That inevitability is a belief, an attitude masquerading as fact. It is not a fact and we don't have to buy into it anymore. While long-term abstinence isn't automatic or easy, it is very possible, and, in many ways, it is no harder than dealing with the emotional and physical consequences of staying mired in our addiction.

\- How might you go about telling a new story, one in which you are a happy, healthy survivor of your past with a bright future? Is this a story you could write out in your journal? Is it a story you could create in pictures with collage materials or photographs?

\- Is it time for a big move—to a new house or a new city? Or is it time for a fresh coat of paint on your apartment or a more colorful, happier wardrobe? Is it time for a new job? Is it time for couples counseling to shift things with your partner? Is it time to step out of old patterns of behavior with parents or siblings? Where could you find support for creating some or all of these changes?

\- What old beliefs are keeping you stuck? What new beliefs would you like to adopt? What says you can't just live into them starting right now? Here are some of the beliefs I'm adopting:

\- I can be abstinent from now on.

\- My future depends on my choices.

\- I can be happy right now.

Second, We Take Back Our Power.

_We step into our right to be happy._ We find activities that leave us satisfied and contented. Maybe it's art-making, maybe it's volunteer work. Maybe it's gardening or working with animals. At first, we may choose activities that we do alone so that the contentment is only dependent on ourselves. Then we find people to spend time with whose company also leads to satisfaction and contentment. We enjoy being around them and come away relaxed and happy.

_We step into the fact that happiness is often a choice_ , that we can usually elevate our mood by how we choose to respond to what happens to us. (Note: If you suffer from biochemical depression, be sure to address that with your physician.) We begin to live in gratitude for what we have and can do, rather than focusing on what isn't working.

\- What activities will increase your happiness and contentment? Can you schedule them into your day and your week?

\- What might happen if you chose to be happy and contented with whatever you have and to actively change what you don't like?

One of the most powerful changes for me has been truly accepting that both abstinence and happiness are choices. That I am more powerful than my cravings. That I have power over my response to my circumstances and the events that occur in my life. I can choose to be okay with what happens or I can be unhappy with what happens and work to change it. Again, it isn't always easy but it is possible. Recovery means living in the possible, not the impossible.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 47: TAKING OUR POWER BACK: THE PARADOX AND POSSIBILITY OF CHOICE

For most of us, when we are active in our addiction to sugar or overeating of demon foods, real choice seems to go out the window. We may think we are making choices but in actuality we are just making selections, like which foods to binge on and how much of them we can eat. We're in the grip of the endless loop of craving and reaction, and many of us can attest to the amazing strength of that loop. We eat foods we know are unhealthy, we eat more than we intend to—often to the point of making ourselves ill or, at the very least, uncomfortable. When we do this, we give up our self-respect, our peace of mind, and our good intentions. Perhaps more importantly, we give away our power to food.

Recovery and abstinence are, by necessity, based on a different relationship with choice, and it's a paradoxical one. We have choice over our demon foods and our overeating behaviors only if we don't choose them. Once we do, we're back in the endless loop. This is the meaning of the 12-Step saying "one day at a time." Each day, each meal, each bite, we have to choose abstinence, however we define it. As long as we choose abstinence, we have choice. But once we choose demon foods or addictive behaviors, we're back in the land of no choice, where habit and craving are running us again.

In other words, if we choose to relapse, we lose most of our power to choose abstinence. Just ask anyone who has been abstinent a while and then goes back to sugar and obsessive/compulsive eating. Regaining abstinence is far more difficult than maintaining abstinence. While theoretically we always have choice, it doesn't seem to quite work that way with relapse and recovery.

\- What is your experience with the endless loop of craving and reaction, numbing and suffering? Write about a specific time you struggled in that loop.

\- Does abstinence feel like a choice to you? What else in your current life feels like a choice? What doesn't feel like a choice?

For most of us, choice equals freedom, and abstinence can feel like a requirement rather than a choice, a burden rather than a blessing. However, we can shift this attitude if we stay in close touch with the slavery of addiction where we are obsessed with food and our relief is short-lived and the wretched misery of self-loathing, guilt, and worry takes over again. We can play out the mental tape of what will happen if we choose demon foods: relief, then guilt, worry, fear, craving, more eating, more guilt, more worry, more eating, more fear, more eating, weight gain. Most of us have lived in that loop for a long time and we don't have to live there anymore. We can stay out of that loop by choosing to play the tape before we eat instead of living the loop after we eat.

\- How do you feel when you think about choosing abstinence one bite at a time? Is your response one of relief and freedom or one of burden and confinement?

\- How might you shift that attitude? What mental tape can you create and play for yourself to help you choose abstinence every time?

Choosing abstinence day after day opens up a world of other possible choices. Some of them may be unfamiliar and difficult at first. They may go against the grain of how we have been taught—or have taught ourselves—to act in life. Others will bring a lot of pleasure and satisfaction to us in the sweeter life between meals.

**Choosing ourselves over others.** In abstinence, we have to learn to be self- protective rather than self-destructive. That means being concerned about ourselves first whenever food is around and not being concerned with other people's feelings or how they might respond. We have to let go of worrying about hurting Aunt Edna's feelings if we turn down her buttermilk chocolate chip pie or disappointing the hostess when we say no to the cream puffs that she made especially for the event. We have to say no to invitations to restaurants that don't serve food that's good for us although we can offer a suggestion for some place better for us. We have to say no to family gatherings if they're stressful and make us want to binge. We have to speak up for ourselves over and over again until people get it or they move out of our lives. See Week 23 for more about speaking up for ourselves.

**Choosing not to go along to get along.** Addiction encourages us to take the path of least resistance, to continue living stressful and uncomfortable lives so we can continue to self-medicate. It's a vicious cycle. In order to choose abstinence every day, we have to be willing to ask for what we need or step away. On vacation recently, two of my sisters proposed a walk into town to get coffee. I knew this would involve sweet drinks and pastries. I was tempted to go along as I wanted to be part of the group. At the same time, I knew it would up my stress level to be in a shop with sugary smells watching others eat things I don't eat anymore. So I said no and stayed at the rental house and played with paints.

**Choosing to be uncomfortable in the short run.** Our addict brain doesn't want us to be uncomfortable ever. That's why we have such a well-developed habit of self- medicating. But in order to get abstinent and stay abstinent, we have to be willing to be uncomfortable some of the time. Our addict brain will tell us that if we don't eat right now and a lot, we will be perpetually miserable but that's not true. In fact, as we move further and further into abstinence, the periods of discomfort get both briefer and less intense until we become indifferent to demon foods and able to eat what we know is right for us. Will we still be tempted? Probably. We are human. But we can be with the discomfort. We really can.

**Choosing to let go of the past.** Many of us carry around a belief that we can't stay abstinent, we can't stay thin, we can't be hungry, we can't stand it—whatever "it" is. We trot out all the evidence from our past as proof. But that's not true. Why? Because change is inevitable. We don't stay the same and circumstances don't either. We either get into abstinence and move ahead in it, or we stay in addiction and move deeper into it. We have the choice: health or hell.

**Choosing to delay gratification.** Because most of us started self-medicating when we were children, we don't tend to have a healthy relationship with delayed gratification. We want everything now: we're impulse shoppers, impulse decision- makers, impulse eaters. But abstinence requires a more considered approach to life, and we can learn to pause before choosing so that our adult self has a say in the matter.

**Choosing contentment over pleasure.** There are many kinds of happiness. Most food addicts are looking for two kinds: pleasure and relief. When we are abstinent, we can begin to expand our repertoire to include satisfaction and contentment. They are often quieter and more subtle than pleasure but they are more reliable.

**Choosing to live into our full potential.** In active addiction, we are shackled by our obsession with food, with having enough and having the privacy to eat as much as we want. Many other parts of our lives begin to slide because they interfere with our obsession. When we are abstinent, we can not only attend to all parts of our current life (and change them if need be), but we can also attend to our dreams and desires and have the sweet, rich, full life we deserve.

Abstinence gives us a chance, a real chance, to take back our power, the power of choice, the power of possibility. We know only too well what the addicted life looks like and where it leads. Why not choose the unknown?

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 48: THRIVING IN ABSTINENCE: ATTENDING TO OUR LEGITIMATE NEEDS AND DEEPEST DESIRES

Most of us know the concept of basic needs, what we have to have for survival: air, water, food, shelter, clothing. And if we're lucky, those needs get met day after day. But there's a second set of needs that we can be less conscious of that are also highly important. These needs, which Matthew Kelly brilliantly labels _legitimate needs_ , are the things we need to thrive. (In a sense, all of these weekly conversations describe some of the legitimate needs of the recovering food addict.)

Our legitimate needs are often quite individual, depending on our relationships and our interests. Here are some of the things I've identified as my legitimate needs (in no particular order):

\- Sobriety and AA meetings

\- Abstinence and support for that

\- Color in my home and in nature

\- Pushing color around in some way (painting, collage, coloring books)

\- Time with my best friend, especially quiet time talking about what's on our minds

\- Creative retreats where I can concentrate on writing and painting in the company of other people doing the same

\- Some silence and solitude each day (more on some days, less on others)

\- Cats, sky, big trees

\- A tidy home that feels peaceful

\- Things to learn and consider

\- Affection

\- Peace of mind

\- Movement most days

\- Music

\- Softness around me (clothes, furnishings)

\- Spend a little time with your journal and consider your legitimate needs. What enriches your life, makes it sweeter?

Our legitimate needs can be contrasted with what Kelly calls our _illegitimate desires_. I think of them as our _thriving_ needs and our _non-thriving_ desires.

Non-thriving desires can be things we want but don't need. Some of us want a lot of shoes but can't even wear all the pairs we already own. Some of us want more books than we can read or a new car every year. These non-thriving desires can be benign as long as they're not running us. As one of my teachers says, "It's good to want a lot of things as long as our happiness is not tied up in getting them." But all too often, our happiness IS tied to getting them and we spend our time chasing the illusion of happiness that is always somehow out of reach. If I only could lose five more pounds. If I only could make 30% more money. If I only had that car or that hair cut or those shoes.

Here are some of my non-thriving desires:

\- All the sweet, fat foods I can eat with no consequences

\- An ability to drink alcohol like a non-alcoholic

\- Having more food in the house than I need

\- Buying more art supplies than I can use

\- A continual supply of new clothes that will magically make me look stunning

\- First-class travel to foreign countries without having to get there

\- More cats

\- Retirement and a magic $800k more in my bank account

The problem with non-thriving desires is that we become convinced (and our culture encourages us to become convinced) that these will make us happy. But for the most part, they don't. It's an old adage but a true one: You can never get enough of what you don't need. In other words, it's the pursuit of these things that runs us, not the having of them.

Non-thriving desires can show up in our beliefs and entitlements as well (for more on entitlements, see Week 38). Some of us want a body that doesn't need to exercise to stay fit and healthy but of course that's unrealistic, especially as we age. Some of us want to be able to eat anything and everything and not gain weight or have health consequences. But these desires don't serve us either. They are so unrealistic that they keep us from reaching towards our achievable goals and meeting our legitimate desires.

\- What is your experience with non-thriving desires, the things you want that are not on your list of legitimate needs?

\- Has the fulfillment of any of those non-thriving desires brought you the satisfaction you hoped for? If yes, how was that? If no, what did you learn from that?

There is a third aspect to this: our deepest desires. When we are active in our addiction and chasing demon foods or other non-thriving desires, we have no time or energy for anything much beyond our basic needs and those non-thriving desires. But once we get abstinent, an amazing amount of time and energy begins to open up. We can flail in that opening or we can turn our attention to our legitimate needs and our deepest desires.

Our deepest desires are as individual as our legitimate needs. Most of us lose touch with them as our addiction takes over but they have not disappeared. They've just gone dormant. In the space of possibility that abstinence creates, we can find them again and embrace them.

Here are some of the deepest desires that have surfaced for me:

\- To live from a kind, generous heart

\- To make decisions based on their ability to increase my peace of mind

\- To encourage the creative and imaginative in others

\- To alleviate the suffering of animals

\- What are your deepest desires? You may have an immediate answer or it may take some time for these desires to reawaken in you.

\- Where do you feel these desires in your body?

\- Can you describe the feeling of deep knowing that these are important to you and perhaps part of your purpose in life?

Once we've identified our legitimate needs and deepest desires, then what? We may well discover that some of our legitimate needs are already firmly in place in our lives, while others will benefit from our attention and our creativity. We can keep our list handy and use it when we are scheduling our evenings and weekends. We can enlist friends to help us manifest these needs. We can take classes or hire a coach who can help us on this journey.

Here are a few things that I did that might give you some suggestions.

**A tidy home that feels peaceful.** I decluttered my home early in abstinence (see Week 13) but I wanted two more things for it: more color and a deep sense of peace. Although I live in a rental apartment, I had a landlord who didn't care what we did to the walls as long as it wasn't destructive. So I painted one olive green wall in my living room and a mango wall in the kitchen, bathroom, and second bedroom. I framed my art work and hung it on the walls. Next, I asked around and found a woman who was studying Feng Shui, the ancient Chinese art of harmonious placement and she came and showed me a series of small changes and "cures" that would make my place feel like I wanted it to. It worked. When someone new comes into my home, they always remark about how peaceful it is.

**Softness around me.** When I reached my first goal weight, I went through my closet and threw out anything that didn't fit and that wasn't soft and comfortable. I gave up trying to wear jeans (too stiff) and embraced my love of knit slacks. I got rid of all the polyester and moved to cotton. How I feel in my clothes is more important to me than how others think I look. And I discovered that when we're a lot thinner, everything looks better on us.

**Peace of mind.** Right now this is my most important legitimate need. I make all decisions based on this. Will eating this increase my peace of mind? Will saying yes to this invitation increase it? Will taking on this client increase it? It's proving to be one of the best tools I have.

The sweeter life between meals comes much more easily if we attend to our legitimate needs and our deepest desires. Our addiction to sugar and food has stood between us and these very real parts of our life, and our abstinence can remove that barrier. In early recovery, most of us focus on getting the food issues sorted out. Then we begin to clear up any "wreckage from the past," as the 12-Steps say. We resolve health issues, work on any money problems, take better care of our homes, tackle any work and relationship difficulties. All of these reduce our stress.

Then comes time for creating the new. We don't have to start from scratch. We just turn to our legitimate needs and deepest desires and fill our lives with them. We choose one and incorporate it into our lives. Then we choose another. This is one of the most exciting projects of abstinence: becoming our best, most fulfilled selves.

Need some one-on-one support? Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comabout coaching via phone or email.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 49: LETTING GO OF GETTING BY AND EMBRACING A RICHER LIFE

Active addiction has many impacts on us. Yes, it can bring us relief from the nagging of craving and the irritations of life, but it doesn't do this in any positive way. It does it by numbing us from our feelings, both good and bad, and numbing us from our bodies, from our hearts, from our souls. Actively using sugar and other demon foods, overeating, and bingeing—they all make us indifferent to life. While we're in it, it becomes our whole world. We're only concerned about more of the same. We just want to get by and eat.

Recovery and abstinence offer us a much different world, one rich with possibility, with difference. But it's a world that asks for something in return. It asks for our energy, our attention. It asks us to jump in, not just get by. It also asks us to let go of attitudes that don't serve us.

Here are some of the things we may have to let go of to live into abstinence and recovery as a rich way of life:

**Needing abstinence to be easy.** It isn't, especially not at first. Eating is so fundamental to our lives that making substantial changes in what, how, and when we do it is a huge shift in habit and consciousness.

**Letting go of needing things to be convenient.** Let's face it. Some of the time abstinence is hard work. It isn't nearly as easy to keep a lot of fresh vegetables on hand as it is to stuff your freezer with ice cream. If you forget your packed lunch, it isn't so easy to find grab-and-go foods that are sugar-free and flour-free. Not every restaurant menu will work for us. We also do best on a fairly rigid meal schedule. We can't just snack if we have to work late or get hung up in traffic or suddenly have a meeting we need to go to. It helped me a lot to recognize that I could let go of convenience as a requirement in my life, that I could accept that being prepared is just a part of the deal in abstinence.

**Assuming we can go back to how we used to be with food at some point.** That is not going to happen. There is no cure for addictive behaviors, only abstaining from starting up again. I do miss the food free-for-all I lived in. In many ways it was much simpler to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. But the consequences were increasingly unbearable and there are only good consequences of abstinence.

**Assuming our family will change their ways because we've changed ours.** Although I firmly belief in the benefits of my way of eating (small amounts of protein, lots of veggies, some fruit and no sugar or flour), I've had to let go of converting others to my way, especially family members. Their habits are as entrenched as mine were before I embraced abstinence. While I can ask my family for some accommodation, I have to safeguard my own abstinence. For example, that means taking my own food (that is, more veggies and easy protein) when I visit my sisters or speaking up about where we go when we go out to eat.

**Letting go of people in our lives who are abusive.** As I noted earlier, inside food addicts is often a deeply wounded child self. Some of us suffered sexual and physical abuse. Most of us suffered some form of emotional neglect or abuse: belittling, teasing, bullying, ignoring, dismissing of feelings. Our relationships with our family can still be complicated by these early experiences, and sometimes we are still on the receiving end of these kinds of abuse. Because we had to accept this kind of behavior as normal when we were kids, we may have also chosen friends or partners who treat us the same way. When we become abstinent, we have to learn to protect that child self and move away from the abuse. We let go of friends—and family members—who don't treat us with respect and kindness.

**Letting go of environments that trigger our addictive behaviors.** Sometimes it's not a particular person who stresses us into addictive eating, it's a situation or environment. Many of us have to rethink where we work and play when we get abstinent. Some of us feel trapped in our work, needing the money, afraid to seek something else. Weekly dinners with people who don't eat the way we do can be very stressful. It's hard to be the odd man out over and over again. It wears down our resolve. So our continued abstinence often requires us to leave those behind.

\- Are you needing abstinence to be easy? Can you give up that requirement for the gifts it will bring?

\- Are you needing abstinence to be as convenient as the food free-for-all? Consider that _convenient_ may not be as powerful a filter for how you live your life as freedom or peace of mind.

\- What might open up in your life if you gave up hoping for a cure from addiction, which is not in your control, and instead accepted permanent remission, which is in your control?

\- Which family members and friends can you enroll into supporting you unconditionally in abstinence? Which do you need to distance yourself from?

\- How can you best take care of yourself emotionally around your family?

\- How can you best protect your abstinence around family and friends?

\- Are you able to recognize when friends or family are abusive (belittling your efforts, teasing unkindly, ignoring your legitimate needs, taking advantage of you emotionally or financially)? What support can you gather (counselor, spiritual director, friends) to release these people from your life?

\- What work or play environments might pose a threat to your abstinence? How can you avoid them or transform them?

One of the real challenges of abstinence is that it doesn't just pertain to what we eat or how much we eat or when we eat it. Because addiction impacts nearly every aspect of our lives, abstinence requires us to consider all those aspects and make necessary adjustments. In doing so, we can step out of getting by and step into a wonderfully rich life between meals.

I'd love to hear how you're doing. Email me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comand let's connect.

© 2017 Jill Kelly, PhD

### 50: SHIFTING FROM JUDGMENT TO CURIOSITY AND FROM INNER CRITIC TO ENCOURAGING EXPLORER

One of the most important shifts I've learned in abstinence I learned from my wonderful spiritual director/therapist, who learned it from hers. Here it is: We cannot be curious and judgmental at the same time. Curiosity needs an open mind, while judgment by nature needs a closed one. In these conversations, we've talked a lot about choice, and I think this is one of the most critical of the choices we can make. We can choose to shut down or we can choose to stay open.

Active addiction requires us to shut our minds down. In order to eat whatever we want in unlimited quantities, we have to close our minds to the consequences of shame and self-judgment that will follow, to the inevitability of weight gain and the possibility of impaired health. We go into a kind of trance where only the pleasure and relief of the moment are what matter.

Active addiction also involves a sort of self-prejudice. Prejudice is pre-judging an event or person, deciding in advance what's true. When we succumb to our addiction, we're stuck in preconceived ideas: _Abstinence is too hard. I can't do this. I'll never get thin or free. I have to have relief now._ But the reality is that none of this is true. It may have seemed true in the past but in this present moment, we have choice. We always have choice in how we respond to any circumstance. Again, to believe otherwise is to give up all our power to food.

\- What is your relationship with judgment? When do you find yourself judgmental? What does that feel like in your body? What symptoms tell you that your mind is closed?

\- What is your relationship with curiosity? How open-minded would you say you are to others? How open-minded are you to yourself and your habits?

\- Abstinence asks us to get curious. Instead of the same old responses, we can try something new. What are some new things you could try in your recovery?

\- Got cravings? Wait and see what happens if you don't respond. We already know what will happen if we do. So we can get curious and watch.

\- Got impatience or frustration or anger? How can you soothe yourself without food? How might you keep track of what's working so you can use it again?

\- Bored or restless or both? There are a hundred things we can do instead of eat. Which one could you try?

Moving from the Curiosity of Why to the Curiosity of How and What

When we think of living from curiosity, many of us think of trying to understand the _why's_ of the world. Why is this happening? Why is this happening to me? Why can't I stop bingeing? Why does our son act that way? Why is my boss so difficult to work with? But this kind of curiosity is often not very helpful. For even if we can sort out the origin of the issue (I binge because I am an addict), that doesn't generally lead us to the solution.

Much more fruitful curiosity comes from asking _how_ and _what._ How can I stop bingeing? What can we do to help our son shift behavior? How can I mitigate the stress of working for this boss? In fact, the best questions to ask in most situations are these:

How can I change how I am in this situation? What can I do differently in this situation?

The Curiosity of How Can Improve Our Relationship with Ourselves and Others

Although we may not mean them to, very often our _why_ questions carry judgment. _Why can't I stop overeating_ implies that there's something wrong with us. _Why are you doing this_ implies that we want the other person to stop doing whatever they're doing. We are judging their behavior. This usually sends them into shame and defensiveness and nothing good comes from that. That indirect way of going about things doesn't lead to a solution. In fact, judgment almost never leads to a solution.

Instead, if we switch our curiosity from _why_ to _how_ or _what_ , we express our desire for a solution. There's a world of difference between _why can't I stop overeating_ and _how can I stop overeating_ , between _why are you doing this_ and _how could we create something else right now_. Two things create this difference. First, in every complaint, there is a request. This makes sense because when we complain, we want something to be different. If we step into _how_ or _what_ curiosity, we're a lot closer to a request. In fact, instead of asking a how question, we can just make a request of ourselves ( _I want to figure out how to stop overeating_ ) or others ( _I'd really like it if we could create something else right now_ ). The second related difference lies in the energy. Complaints carry negativity; requests carry possibility. Sweeter relationships are infinitely more likely to occur from possibility.

The Curiosity of How: Access to New Thoughts and New Ideas

Addiction is often called a habit because that's exactly what it is. Our brains and bodies have become habituated to a stimulus and response: anger/alcohol, fear/chocolate, restlessness/marijuana. Mine is anxiety and demon foods. Recovery is breaking that pattern, creating new responses, varied responses. It means having new thoughts and new actions, new ideas and new behaviors.

Adopting the curiosity of _how_ is a good way to do this. When the old stimulus arises— the anxiety, the fear, the restlessness, the boredom, the anger—we can ask for a new thought and a new idea. I met a woman recently who talked about how when she's stuck, she calls one of three friends. These friends have proven supportive of helping her think something she hasn't thought before, a new response to whatever situation she's struggling with. I love that practice.

My own mantra has become "what else can I do?" What new idea or new reaction can I have in response to what I'm hearing, reading, feeling? When the idea comes, I ask myself: Will this increase my peace of mind and spaciousness? If no, I keep looking. If yes, I give it a try.

\- What _why_ questions have you asked recently of yourself or of someone important to you? If that wasn't successful, how might shifting to _how_ open up possibilities?

\- What would happen if you made requests instead of complaints?

\- Do you have friends or family members who can support you in coming up with new thoughts and new ideas when you're stuck?

Releasing the Inner Critic and Welcoming the Encouraging Explorer

We are quite often unkind to ourselves. We eat the wrong thing and we've got nothing but harsh words for the addict inside us, that child self just trying to get her needs met.

This harsh Inner Critic isn't helpful to us. Just as shaming someone else with a _why_ question never leads to a positive solution, shaming ourselves doesn't either.

But we can replace the Inner Critic with a new voice, that of the Encouraging Explorer. This is the voice of possibility, of new ideas, of new ways to be and respond. This voice wants the best for us, not more of the same old misery.

\- How noisy is your inner critic? Is it ever helpful? How could you tune that voice out?

\- What might the voice of your Encouraging Explorer sound like? What messages might it have for you? How could you access those messages?

Curiosity and self-encouragement are critical to creating a sweeter life between meals. We need new thoughts and new ideas to help us build healthier behaviors and responses as we create supportive relationships and environments for our abstinent selves. Dropping unhelpful judgments and criticisms makes for a much more peaceful life, and a peaceful life is a perfect place for recovery.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 51: RESOURCES FOR THE SWEETER LIFE BETWEEN MEALS

As veterans of the food wars, most of us have had a shelf full of diet books, of change- me books, of others' wisdom. Some of it is bogus; some of it is incredibly helpful. I don't regret any of the time and money spent on these books. They all helped get me to abstinence.

Now that I'm abstinent and have a good food plan with a weight loss component when I need it, I don't read diet books or cookbooks. I don't want to read about food. But I still read books about personal transformation. I'm always interested in thoughtful ideas that can ease my way in life and relationships and help me become the best version of myself.

This Conversation gathers together the resources I've been citing throughout this program and adds a few new ones. I hope you find them as useful as I have.

Food and Eating

My food plan, which I got from Food Addicts Anonymous via Bright Lining Eating, is heavy on vegetables, moderate on protein and fruit, light on fat. It contains no grains or sugars, with the exception of oatmeal. Because of the enormous benefits of eating vegetables, I recommend you find a plan that includes lots of them. I also subscribe to the portions (and weighing them out) that FAA recommends because their plan is sensible and sustainable.

www.brightlineeating.com

www.foodaddictsanonymous.org/faa-food-plan

You can also work with a dietitian or nutritionist but many of them are not knowledgeable about food addiction as it isn't a significant part of their training. Similarly, Weight Watchers and other commercial groups can support weight loss but they do not usually support abstinence (Weight Watchers sells desserts after all).

12-Step Support

Overeaters Anonymous and Food Addicts Anonymous are two of the 12-Step programs that offer support for food abstinence. You can find meeting times and locations online. Do shop around. It can take a few tries to find just the right meeting and group for you.

I have found these two 12-Step books very helpful:

\- Abstinence: OA Members Share Their Experience, Strength, and Hope

\- The Green Book of FAA.

Support for a Sweeter Life

_Falling Awake_ by Dave Ellis is both a wonderful book and a wonderful program of workshops. Dave teaches with a lot of heart and thoughtfulness. www.daveellisleadership.com

_Becoming Perfectly Yourself_ and _The Rhythm of Life_ by Matthew Kelly are two books I refer to often. His thinking on the good life and being your best self never fail to inspire me.

I have a great deal of respect for the late Debbie Ford, who was a recovering addict and a transformation coach. Her book, _Courage_ , for women is especially helpful.

Similarly, the works of Brené Brown and Christiane Northrup contain many helpful suggestions. Brown's online courses are wonderful.

_A Life of Being, Doing, and Having Enough_ by Wayne Muller moved me into action.

Support for a Sweeter Life through Writing

My first experience in strengthening my recovery through writing was with Christina Baldwin's _Life's Companion: Journaling for the Spiritual Quest_ , which contains many wonderful questions to ponder. I moved on to Julia Cameron's _The Artist's Way_ and daily pages, which I have done faithfully for more than 20 years. Most recently, I have been doing proprioceptive writing, following the suggestions of Metcalf and Simon in _Writing the Mind Alive._

Support for a Sweeter Life through Creativity

Inside every addict is an artist waiting to come out. How do I know? Because inside every human being is an artist. It's part of being human. We are hard-wired to want to mess around with line, shape, color, form, words, movement, beauty, innovation.

The following books have been a great source of inspiration to my own creative journey:

\- _The Artist's Way_ by Julia Cameron

\- _Creative Conversations_ by Bridget Benton

\- _The creativity writings_ of Eric Maisel

\- _The Writer's Book of Days_ by Judy Reeves

My own book, _Sober Play: Using Creativity for a More Joyful Recovery_ , offers dozens of practical suggestions for getting started.

_Paper 53_ is a free app for iPad and Mac that lets you draw with color anywhere you are. Check it out!

Support for Relieving Money Stresses

The wisest advice I got was from my first financial planner. Get out of debt, cut your spending, save the difference. That's been invaluable to me.

Here are some of the books that my Women and Money group (see Conversation 22) has found very useful.

\- _Soul of Money_ by Lynne Twist

\- _Your Money or Your Life_ by Vickie Robbins

\- _Women and Money_ and _The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom_ by Suze Orman

Consider creating a Women and Money group of your own, a gathering of women wanting to have a healthier relationship with money.

If a job or career change is in your future, I recommend Laurence G. Boldt's Zen and the Art of Making a Living: A Practical Guide to Creative Career Design.

Support for Creating a More Peaceful Environment

_The Extraordinary Magic of Tidying Up_ by Marie Kondo is funny and practical. After I did her suggestions, I threw away every other book I had on stuff, decluttering, and organization. It works.

Having a Feng Shui practitioner come and do her magic on my home was worth of every penny. Ask around for a recommendation.

Support for Creating Sweeter Relationships

The sweeter life between meals depends on sweeter relationships with ourselves and others. These two authors have been really helpful for me.

\- _The Dance of Anger and The Dance of Intimacy_ by Harriet Lerner

\- _How to Be an Adult and How to Be an Adult in Relationships_ by David Richo

Addicts are often attracted to other addicts. We may have food addict friends, be partnered with an addict, have children who are addicts, work for one. Al-anon is a free 12-Step program for learning to live without taking responsibility for someone else's addiction. Check online for meetings near you.

Communicating is often a serious challenge in our relationships. I've learned a lot from the programs of Nonviolent Communication. They offer online workshops, youtube videos, books. It's worth a look.

Support for the Wounded Child Self

There are a lot of books available on the inner child but most of those did not help me the way these three have:

\- _Legacy of the Heart: The Spiritual Advantages of a Painful Childhood_ by Wayne Muller

\- _The Emotionally Absent Mother_ by Jasmin Lee Cori

\- _Recovery of Your Inner Child_ by Lucia Capacchione

The first two helped me understand myself—and my mother—while the Capacchione book with its encouraging exercises has helped me heal.

Support for the Spiritual Life

Some of us in recovery return to the spiritual tradition of our childhood; others of us seek a new spiritual community. Some of us find our spiritual connection in service to others; others of us find it in nature, hiking, camping, fishing. My attendance at 12-Step meetings and my painting are both sacred activities for me and part of my spiritual path.

If you are interested in support in learning to meditate, there are both spiritual and secular groups available. Check online for groups or teachers near you.

My readings in the spiritual traditions are eclectic. I offer them only as suggestions for exploration.

\- _Emmanuel's Book_ (Rodegast and Stanton)

\- The books of Thich Nhat Hanh

\- The books of the Dalai Lama

\- _Sabbath_ by Wayne Muller

\- _How to Know God_ by Deepak Chopra

\- _Living in the Light_ by Shakti Gawain

\- _Each Day a New Beginning_ by Karen Casey

Support for Healing from Deep Wounds

Some of us turned to food to help us repress painful feelings from traumatic experiences. When we get abstinent, those feelings and memories can resurface. It is good to have professional support in healing those.

If you're a part of 12-Step group, you can ask around among the members for a referral. Similarly you could contact a local addiction treatment center for a name. Since most physicians have little to no training in deal with addiction, they are usually not as good a source of referral.

\- Do remember that you have a right to "shop" for a therapist. Going once to see someone is not a long-term commitment. If you don't feel comfortable, keep looking.

\- Be wary of someone who wants to medicate you unless you have a serious biochemical issue. Most psychiatrists are trained in diagnosis and drugs, not in behavioral change. Very few have any experience with food addiction.

\- If you can find someone with a Nurse Practitioner (NP) in Addictions, he or she may be a good bet.

\- Conversely, if the therapist has never struggled with food or addiction, that lack of experience may be an obstacle in getting the help you need.

Support for Making Changes

12-Step groups offer informal sponsors, members with abstinence who can be of support to you both in the beginning and as you accrue years of abstinence. At many meetings, there is a call for a show of hands of those currently available to sponsor and you can approach one of them after the meeting.

There is a growing number of life coaches, people who will develop a relationship with you and what you want in your life, help you work through your obstacles and hold you accountable for what you say you want. Any good life coach can help you with the more practical matters of building a sweeter life between meals; however, you might prefer an abstinence coach, someone with first-hand experience with the struggle and the way out.

Being an active addict is a lonely place, and our addiction encourages us to stay alone and isolated. Finding support is critical, whether through books, through groups, or through a counselor or spiritual director. That support can keep us out of overwhelm and in making moderate change, one step at a time.

I coach a small number of individuals in abstinence and recovery from food addiction. Contact me at jill@lifebetweenmealscoaching.comabout availability.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

### 52: A CHECKLIST FOR CREATING A SWEETER LIFE AND FREEDOM FROM SELF-LOATHING

I know there are many ways to create a better life. Sometimes it only takes one change to make all the difference: a more interesting job, a volunteer commitment that lights us up, discovering—or rediscovering—the joy of making art. Some of us need to overhaul just about everything. But most of us need tweaks rather than major changes. We don't need to start over but we do need to fix what isn't working. And I know for sure that without changing our lives to support our abstinence, most of us are going to be back in the food before long.

This last Conversation is designed to serve as a sort of a checklist to help you keep track of what needs adding, subtracting, or adjusting in your recovery to strengthen your abstinence. I hope it is useful.

Our Relationship with Food

\- Will I abstain from all sugars and sweeteners:

\- Will I abstain from all flours and pulverized grains:

\- What sustainable food program will I adopt:

\- Quantities of protein, vegetables, fruit:

\- Quantities of fats and oils, including nuts and nut butters:

\- Will I consume rice or potatoes:

\- How much:

\- How often:

\- What processed (bottled, canned, frozen) foods will be on my plan:

\- How many meals a day will I eat and at what times:

\- Will I snack between meals:

Finding Support for Our Abstinence

What specific support do I need from others and how might that look?

\- Love and understanding from family and friends

\- A buddy to commit my food daily to

\- A group to share with and learn from

\- Guidance from a coach

\- Someone to do deeper emotional work with

Sorting out support from others in our lives may not be easy. Some of those who love us may be invested in having us stay the same. Here are some questions that may help you discern your best choices for your circle of support:

\- Who's always glad to see you?

\- Who accepts you just as you are?

\- Who makes you feel at home when you're with them?

\- Who will help you raise your personal standards with kindness and gentleness?

\- Who will listen to your thoughts, feelings, and ideas without criticism?

How might I incorporate any of the following into my circle of support:

\- Best friend

\- Spouse or partner

\- Sibling or parent

\- 12-Step group

\- 12-Step sponsor

\- Therapist or spiritual director

\- Bright Line Eating mastermind group

\- Work colleague also on the journey

\- Coach

Which people in my life are likely to not be supportive? Consider forming your circle of support WITHOUT including these people

Cleaning up Relationships

Many of us addicts have what's called _wreckage from the past_ —relationships, both personal and professional, that ended badly or that continue with uneasiness or distrust. Whether these negative feelings are front and center in your life or just a nagging memory, this kind of stress is hard on our commitment to abstinence, which needs us to be at peace in all aspects of our lives. So it's not surprising that making amends is an early part of 12-Step recovery.

In cleaning up those relationships, our focus is on our part, not the other person's. It takes two to have a relationship and most often, our own attitudes and behaviors played a role in the difficulty. That's the part we make amends for.

Here are some tips as you consider doing this:

\- Don't make amends to anyone who has harmed you physically. No matter what our part in the relationship and its difficulties were, there is no excuse for violence.

\- Keep your amends simple: "I'm sorry for my part in our difficulties and I apologize for any harm I may have done you." Stay out of the history, the story, the circumstances. If the other person wants to rehash with you, walk away.

\- 12-Step programs offer a structure and support for making amends.

\- Writing a letter is fine.

The amend is for your peace of mind. It doesn't matter whether the other person accepts it or acknowledges. You will feel better knowing you have done what you could to clean this up.

\- I need to make the following amends:

\- I need support from to do this:

Creating a Supportive Environment

What needs attention in my home to create a soothing and supportive environment?

\- Decluttering of closets and cupboards and chests of drawers to lighten my load

\- Repair or replacement of things that are broken or not working

\- Fresh paint or curtains to bring beauty alive again

\- A thorough cleaning to change the energy

\- Reorganization of the kitchen cupboards to remove demon foods or to store other family members' demon foods out of sight

\- Clearing space for an art or spiritual practice or both

\- Getting car repairs, maintenance, or detailing done so I feel good about being in it

\- Removing electronics from the bedroom so I/we sleep and rest better

\- Is it time for a new mattress?

Easing up Financial Stresses

The more solid and specific our financial planning is, the less stress we have around money. Consider taking on these tasks bit by bit.

\- Balancing my checkbook each month

\- Using Quickbooks or an Excel spreadsheet and updating it each month to see where I'm spending my money

\- Paying off all credit card debt as rapidly and systematically as I can

\- Creating a savings account (consider one online) and systematically putting money in even if it's in tiny amounts

\- Figure out a barebones budget and spend only that every fourth month, putting all the rest in savings

\- Having a frank conversation with my financial planner (or getting a new one if I don't like or understand the one I have) about my future

Don't want to do this alone? Consider forming a monthly Women and Money group to get support and momentum (see Conversation 22).

Managing Work in the Sweeter Life

For most of us, work serves two functions in our lives. First, it's how we make money, the money that supports our basic needs and those of our family; it also supports some of our legitimate needs as well. Second, it's how we are of service in the world, how we make a contribution to others. Whether we wait tables or work in a hospital, teach or service cars, cook or clean for others, our work should bring us dignity and satisfaction. While work may not seem central to our abstinence, it really is, for it's hard to create a sweeter life if we are just scraping by financially or truly miserable in our jobs.

A good friend teaches freelancers to market their services. Her system for judging which jobs to take relates well to all work efforts.

How would you rate your work?

The best work, of course, gets 4 hearts and 4 dollar signs. But 4 dollar signs and only one heart is a very unsatisfying way to spend such a big part of our lives. And 1 dollar sign and one heart is a big signal to rethink what we're doing.

\- In what ways could I improve my satisfaction at my current job? Who can help me do that?

\- Are there opportunities with my current employer for different work and more money?

\- If I need to change jobs, how might I find the courage to do that? Who could support me in that process?

\- Partner

\- Friend

\- Coach

\- Career counselor

\- Do I need more education? How could I do that without going into debt?

Deepening Our Spiritual Life

Some of us come into recovery with a solid spiritual or religious program; others of us do not. Some of us decide we don't need this; others of us find our way into meditation, prayer, and a spiritual community. There is no right or wrong about this. Some questions to consider:

Do I have, want, or need a spiritual program to support my abstinence?

Who might support me in this exploration?

\- What communities might I explore?

\- What books might I read?

\- Do I want to meditate alone or with others?

\- Do I want to try a short meditation retreat?

Creativity

Having a creative outlet of some sort does all of us good. If you've had one in the past and let it lapse, now's the time to dust it off. If you haven't done anything in a long time, please do it now.

\- What art supplies do I have around the house that I could get out and play with:

\- What creative class do I want to take?

\- How can I work that into my time and money budgets?

\- Who might want to do that with me?

\- What excuses and old beliefs will I have to give up to give this a real try?

\- Can I separate making art for fun (singing, dancing, writing, gardening, etc.) fun from doing it seriously?

\- Can I be okay with dabbling in a variety of things and just having a good time without making creativity a big deal?

Managing Our Time

We have to find time for abstinence and recovery. We just do. This isn't something we can cram into an already overloaded schedule and hope it will work. Just as we have to clear away our stresses, we also have to do some clearing of our calendar.

\- How much time is actually free time in my life (not committed to work, family, or basic needs):

\- What do I currently do with my free time:

\- Which legitimate needs call to me now to attend to:

\- How many hours of free time could I devote to my legitimate needs:

\- What obstacles may stand in my way of doing this:

\- How can I overcome them:

This checklist is just a suggestion of things to consider as you create your sweeter life. Some things may already be in place for you. When I chose abstinence, I had already left my career as a college professor because it didn't support my sobriety and had created a more interesting work life as an editor. I had also moved out of some of the relationships that weren't working for me. But I had other aspects of my life that needed attention in order to create a sweeter life with reduced stress and a reduced need to self-medicate.

What additional things would you add to your checklist? Share them with us on the program's Facebook page.

© Jill Kelly, PhD

