♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Theme ♫
AARON: Well, I've completed this leg of the mission but it is *not* over.
Arnbjorn. Must DIE.
The Hell is Arnbjorn doin' in Dawnstar anyway?
EMRE:..You weren't paying attention to *anything* Astrid said?
AARON: No. I never pay attention, except I just listen to the, like, way she pronounces words.
And they--it gets me *hard*.
EMRE: Alright, well, I'll get you back up to speed.
AARON: Alright.
EMRE: Basically, Cicero attacked a bunch of people inside the Sanctuary...
He fled to the old, abandoned Sanctuary which is just outside of Dawnstar.
AARON: Mhm?
EMRE: And *that's* where Arnbjorn most likely is.
AARON: Alright, soooo, uh...This is where Arnbjorn is, right? Inside Wind Peek Inn?
EMRE: Noooo, but you should probably ask the Oracle where he is.
AARON: Alright.
EMRE: And, what to do about it.
AARON: I'm gonna find out.
UUUUUHH, Karita? Have you seen Arnbjorn?
I have a feeling you *have*...
I know what's goin' on.
The Oracles and Arnbjorn are totally gettin' it on with each other.
I'm gonna inform Astrid!
Karita: Oh! Did you need something?
AARON: I do! I need something. Um...
I need to talk tooooo...
EMRE: Youuuu need to steal her clothes.
AARON: Is that possible?
EMRE [sing-song]: I don't see why noOOOooooot...
AARON: Oooooh, mah GAWHD. Should I really steal the Oracles' clothes??
Can never put 'em back on agaaaain...
There's no going back...
EMRE: You can BE your OWN Oracle.
AARON: OOoohh, shit...
What have I done?
I've freed the Oracle!
You're *free* now!
OOOOOhhh, yeaaah--Look at me!
*I* am now the Oracles!
I'll never need to come here again.
EMRE: Wow. This has been the best day ever.
AARON: I totally agree.
ARNBJORN! Prepare to DIIIIIE!
He's gonna--You know what? Arnbjorn's gonna *see* that *I* was given the 'Demon Horse' and *he* wasn't...
ASTRID gave *me* the 'Demon Horse'.
ARNBJORN does *not* get the 'Demon Horse'.
EMRE: Yep.
AARON: Who does she like *MORE*??
EMRE [can't let AARON have nice things]: If she liked YOU more,  she wouldn't send YOU out to *save* her husband. She'd send you out to *kill* him.
AARON: What are you suggesting...?
EMRE:...I'm suggesting that youuuu're just gonna be...Astrid's bitch.
AARON: I think that you're--
EMRE: Just like BEFORE.
AARON: You're DELUSIONAL.
You don't really--You don't understand how Astrid WORKS, obviously!
Astrid's not--
EMRE: I think I do. She *family zoned* you, bro.
AARON: No! The reason Astrid sent me out here was to KILL her husband!
Because she WANTS me, but she doesn't feel comfortable getting licked by me if she's still with this guy--
EMRE: OOOOOHH, okaaay. Right. So--
AARON: I'm gonna take *care* of this right now.
ARNBJORN: Shoulda figured Astrid would send you...
AARON: Yeah, 'course she did.
You ready to die, asshole?
Oh! You're hurt, ARnBEEjorn. What are ye doin'?
Ham-Shift?
How's it goin' there, Beef Slippers?
EMRE: HAAA! Take that!
AARON:...Is he dead now?
I just like axed him so much, he's back to normal again.
♫
AARON: HEEEEELLLLOOOOoooo??
I have a special deeeeliiveeeery for, uhh, Cicerooo??
[CICERO's high-pitched squeals can be heard in the distance]
AARON: Oh, my God...is he *naked*?
[Nervous Laughter]
OOOOoooohh, nooo! This is *bad news!
Ciiiiceroooo??
CIIIC--EEROOoooo...
Come out and plAAaaayyaaayayyyyyy...
AARON [muttering to himself]: EERRR...Oh, God. Okay. Shut up...
Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Sanctuary Guardian!
[CICERO babbles incoherently from somewhere]
AARON [sing-song]: NOOooot liiisteniinngg, I can't HEaaarrr YOOuuuu...
CICERO:...Could you at least SLOW DOWN A BIT?!
AARON: How could I hear his voice when he's way down *here*...
EMRE: I dunno. He's using, like, some sort of PA system or something...
AARON: Yeaah, he must have.
Look it what happened now! Seeee--They put out these *TRAPS* and stuff they don't even mean to kill just wanders into 'em!
EMRE: That *poor* goat!
AARON: That was *totally* unnecessary...and they emptied the fucking goat out!
EMRE: Wow.
AARON: And took whatever valuables *he* had.
EMRE: That was somebody's GOAT, too! Like, he has a goat bell tied around his neck.
AARON [so deep]: Well, it's *always* somebody's goat...you know?
That's what's so sad about it.
Sounds like there's somebody angry in here...
UDEFRYKTE?!
...The Hell was that?
EMRE: It was a troll. Udefrykte.
AARON: U-DAH-FRYK-TEH.
This is really weird. It's like somebody is collecting animals down here...
Sorta like a zoo, except they're all *dead*.
Okay. So, um, there's this little game that Fün Tits used to play back in, uhhh, high-school...
It's called 'Skeever Toss'.
So, what you do is...you have to stand, oooh, you know...'bout 12 feet back.
And, whoever can get the Skeever the closet or IN the basket wins.
[GRUNTS]
Ohh, shiit...
EMRE: Uhhhohooo, uhh...Mulligan?
AARON: Ehhhh, I sliced that one.
[MORE AWKWARD GRUNTING]
AARON: OOOOH! That is *not* bad. That's about the best you can expect.
Because actually...
This basket is not big enough.
EMRE [laughing]: No, not nearly big enough.
AARON: We had bigger baskets.
Haven't heard from Cicero in a little while...I wonder if he's, like, takin' a crap or something...
He's like, 'I'M DONE WITH MAH INSANE RAMBLINGS FER A MINUTE! JUST HOLD ONNNN~!'
Emre, can you do Cicero on the toilet? Please?
For the entertainment of all of us?
[EMRE proceeds to emit strange and high-pitched squeals suggesting constipation]
AARON: I actually think he sounds the most *normal* when he's taking a crap.
Wassup, BITCH??
[sounding oddly disappointed] You're not naked!
CICERO: Leeeettt poor Cicero LIIIVE--
AARON: Mmmn, not gonna happen.
CICERO: ...LIIikke the STRUMPEEET,  AHSTREEED...[more barely coherent rambling]
AARON: You, WHAT?
CICERO: AND, I'D DOO EET AGAAAIN!
AARON: What did he do to Astrid??
EMRE: He *attacked* the *strumpet*, Astrid...
AARON: The STRUMPET?!
You don't fucking call Astrid a STRUMPET, you little fffffffUCKER!
I'm gonna fuckin' stick my axe up your fuckin' ass!
...So, what? I just leave him here if I don't wanna kill him?
EMRE: Yeah. If you don't want to kill him, you can just leave him--OR, you could SPLATTER the walls with his blood.
AARON:....Yeaaah. Hey, Cicero?
UHH. I want you to take part in a little experiment.
Let's start...with...WABBAJACK!
EMRE: Whoaaa!
AARON: WHOAHOO! He's PISSED!
Dude, relax! I was just trying to turn you into a *mudcrab*...
EMRE: Before you turned him into a *pissed off* version of himself.
AARON: Yeah, like why is he so upset suddenly?
He was *lying*, wasn't he? He wasn't *really* hurt.
Ehh...
EMRE: Whoooaahh...
AARON: I think I just turned him into the floor.
Ciiiicerooo?
WHATTHEFUCK?!
EMRE: I like this experiment. That was good.
AARON: That was good. I have another staff I would like to try out.
Uhmmmm. Let's try out Hevnoraak's Staff...aaand, just in case, we'll use the ole Staff of Chain Lightning.
Hey, Cicero? The utility office just called, and you didn't pay your *electric biiiill*!
AH HAH HAH HAAAAAAaaaaaa
YEEaaaaah!
Suck it!
OOOHH, yeah!
This is a good performance you're putting on! It's ELECTRIFYING!
OOOOHHH, WHOOPS!
Yeaaaah...
EMRE: Oh, that is cool.
That is *REAAALLY* cool.
Alright! I did my duty. I stripped Cicero naked and electrocuted him to death...aaand, now it's time to head out.
Astrid is gonna be so *pleased*!
♫
AARON: HAI, ASTRID!
ASTRID: Again, you've proven yourself a *BORN* assassin...
AARON: EXACTLY!
ASTRID: Tell you what...
AARON: Yeh?
ASTRID: Why don't you hold on to Shadowmere a while longer?
AARON [a bumbler]: O-Okay! Right, so, uhhhh--What's my next te, tex...text, TASK? What's my next text?
ASTRID: Just *one* more target before we strike out at the Emperor.
AARON: Oh, yeh? Okay.
ASTRID: Have you, by chance, heard of 'The Gourmet'?
AARON: WAIT. So, you want me to dress up like a cook...and pretend to make some...fffoood...
EMRE: For the Emperor.
AARON [still not convinced this isn't bullshit]: ...For the Emperor.
Why can't I just go and smash him??
ASTRID: Until next time, SISTER.
AARON [impatient]: Okay. Look. We don't really look that similar anymore, okay? So stop calling me SISTER.
EMRE: You, uhhh, kind of screwed yourself there, my friend.
AARON [quietly to himself]: Dammit...
[WHIMSICAL HARP FLASHBACK]
AARON: ASTRID, CHECK ME OUT! I LOOK JUST LIKE YOU!
ASTRID, YER MAH SISTER! LOOK!
AND WE'RE BOTH INCREDIBLY LICKABLE!
[WHIMSICAL HARP BACK TO THE FUTURE]
EMRE: Yeah, you shouldn't have ever brought that up. That was a bad move...
You pretty much 'family zoned' yourself, *right there*.
AARON: I, you know...I forgot that I said that.
I-
ASTRID: Sister??
AARON: Yeah, I knooow I said that!
Just...can we *DROP THAT*?? I don't, I don't--
ASTRID: Need something?
AARON: ACTUALLY, YES! I *do* need something!
I *need* you to listen to what I wrote in my journal about you!
Cuz it seems like there's a lot of problems, and I'm just not sure it is *worth* us  continuing this *charade* anymore!
So, here's what I wrote!
AARON [speaking with the poise of an 8th grader reciting his paper to the class]: The Things I Like About Astrid:
She's hawt.
She's got excellent taste in clothes.
A sexy voice.
A good sense of humor, and she's SMART.
Those are all the *good things*.
Things I Do NOT Like About Astrid:
Uncommunicative!
Selfish!
All business, all the time!
Always wants me to MURDER people!
*MARRIED*.
HARD. COLD. MEAN.
Won't let me pickpocket her clothes off her!
Has *WEIIIRD* friends!
Lives in a *CAVE*.
Refuses to get divorced OR have sex with me! Or take things to the next level!
As you can see, the list of things I do NOT like about Astrid is much larger than the list of things I DO like about Astrid.
There you go, Astrid. What do you think about THAT?
ASTRID:..Sister?
[AARON heaves a sigh of defeat]
AARON: Well, I guess that's the answer.
Things are *obviously* not going to change between us. EVER.
You *jerk*!
She's really pissing me off! I, errr, she really needed to listen to me!
She *reaaaally* needed to listen to me...
EMRE: Dude, you should..uh, think TWICE before you do what you're about to do.
AARON: NO! I'm--I'm really upset right now!
And, I think that ssssshhe needs to *know* that!
GODDDAMN YEW, ASTRID!
Put that back on your head! KEEP IT THERE!
GODDAMNIT, LOOK! I KICKED THE BOWL DOWN THE STAIRS NOW BECAUSE OF YOU!!
YOU FUCKIN' *BITCH*!
[AARON dissolves into tearful, banshee-like wails while EMRE makes futile attempts to calm him]  AAAAAHAHHHaaaahhhh!!!!!!
Okay. Alright. I'm fine.
I'm fine...
Everything's okay. It was just--We just had a little *argument*.
[Breathless Mumbling]
AARON: I'm so UPSET, Babbit. Do you *know* Astrid? Do you how she--What she's *like*?? Don't you?
Listen! I just need to discuss s-something--I just need to *talk* to someone about Astrid!
BABETTE: I could brew some potions for you?
AARON: OHOOOOHO! That'll REALLY help!! YEAH, I'll drown my sorrows in some fucking POTIONS!
Thanks a lot, BABBIT!
Goddammit! Everyone around here is a WEIRDO or a DRUNK or a LOSER!
[voice breaking] THEY'RE NOT HELPFUL, AT AAALL!
BABETTE [pushing boundaries]: SIISTERRR...
AARON [suddenly serious]: OKAY. Did *Astrid* tell you to say that?
Did she *fucking*...? E-Everyone's gonna call me sister!
BABETTE: SISTER!
AARON: YEAH!.....Yeah.
HILARIOUS. GOOD ONE. *HILAAAARIOUS*. Yeah! I can take a *joke*!
*I KNOW*. I see how it is around here!
Dude, turn around and talk to me. Ugh. Fuck this, I will *not* talk to you.
FESTUS: Until next time, SISTER!
AARON: Did...*Jesus Christ*. Everyone calls me 'Sister' now...
Get. Off. The Enchanter!
There ya go.
Oh, *shit*. You look so good in this light, Festus.
And kinda sexy.
FESTUS: Quite so.
AARON: Mnnyeah.
AARON [with the voice of an exasperated dope]: SOOO, YEW DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO deh GOURMET IZ? WONDahFOOL.
FESTUS [with something unseen crunching in the background]: Don't be so petulant!
[EMRE continues to laugh, finding true joy in AARON's continued victimization]
AARON: Well, I'm kinda pissed off right now!
[CRUNCHING CONTINUES, LOUDER AND OVERWHELMING]
AARON: O-OH, OKAY! Who is eating breakfast cereal as LOUD as they possibly can?!
I can't even hear what Festus is saying--SHUT UP!
Stop it...
[RUSTLING CONTINUES ON, NOT MINDING AARON'S RABID DEMANDS]
AARON: What is--?!
[CRUNCH CRUNCH, RUSTLE RUSTLE]
AARON [dully]: I can't hear you, Festus. There's a wild animal in your underwear.
AARON [to GABRIELLA]: UHH. We're busy? Over here?
Can you use the *other* enchanter, please??
We're having a CONVERSATION here!!
EMRE: WOW. She just *inserted* herself *right* in-between you two.
AARON: This is why I don't understand why Astrid hangs out with these *IDIOTS*!
I can't do this anymore. Sorry, Festus. I have to get going, I...Okay, let me out.
Get the...Get outta my *fucking* way.
FESTUS THE MOLESTUS: What else could you possibly NEED??
AARON: DON'T! He's trying to trap me here with his boring *fucking* speech! LET ME GO!
GET. THE FUCK. OUT OF MY. WAY!
[FUS RO DAHHHH!!!]
[EMRE cackles over crippling the elderly]
UGGGH! GOD! You're so *stupid*!
You get it? You get it, now?
YEAH. I thought so...
Fuckin' taught *him* a lesson...
EMRE: You know, you should show Nazir and Gabriella what you did.
AARON: You're right! Hey, guys! This is really funny! You guys gotta check out this story. Me and Festus were in the other room...
And, he was boring me to fuckin' *blood tears*...and then, I was just like,
'FESTUS, GET OUTTA MAH WAY!' And, he wouldn't move. He just kept trying to bore the *shit* right outta my asshole.
So then, I was like, 'FUCK YEWWWW, F-FESTUS!' And I was like this...I was like,
[FUUUUUUS RO DAAAAAH!!!]
AARON: Oh! Sorry, Nazir! I didn't actually mean to do that to you.
But, uh, I was just trying to illustrate, you know...the funny joke I played on Festus.
Sorry 'bout that, dude!
I hope you're not pissed--Oh, God! He's so pissed!
He's *really* pissed!
So anyway, guys...It was nice to see you but, um, I need to get going. Soooo, uhhh, anyway...See ya later!
[IIIIIIIZ SLENNN!!!]
AARON: Astrid?
Hey, uh, I'm just headin' out...
ASTRID: Need something?
AARON: Yeah. WELL. Here's the thing. You obviously didn't pay attention to my list *at all*.
And it reaaaally, it really *upset* me.
And, I'm over it now. *I'm over it*.
But, I just wanted to let you know. You know how I *FEEL*?
When I talk to you sometimes?
Well, lemme...Lemme just *illustrate*.
[IIIIIZ SLEN!!!]
EMRE: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHOLY SHIT.
AARON: OHMYGOD...
OOHHH, my God...
EMRE: She is fuckin' ICE. COLD.
AARON: WOW. You are *so* cold that couldn't even freeze you, Astrid!
Well, you know. I'm not surprised.
She resists everything else that I do.
♫
AARON: Oh, here! Oh, Oh! This is *reaaally* un-orderly. Here.
THERE we go.
It'll be fine. Someone will probably put that in one of the stews and they'll never know the difference.
They're like, 'Potato, potato, Rondach's head, potato, potato...'
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
