I...had never been in the deep web. 
 I thought
the whole thing sounded stupid.
Some ballistic part of the internet with
unknown atrocities lurking in every
corner. But I was working on my master's
thesis in sociology and I thought a
paper on the Internet subcultures
sounded interesting. I got together with
a friend, and he talked to me about Tor 
and showed me the different precautions
I could take to protect my identity, and
my computer or browsing the Deep Web I
I was ready to explore this bizarre hive
I've heard so much about.
Needless to say, for about two weeks, I
sifted through old web sites that looked
like they'd been developed during the
90's. Obscure internet relics floating out
in the middle of nowhere. Derelict
websites forgotten by time. Most of it
was boring junk.
Lots of Nazi conspiracy theorists, drug
trafficking, pedophiles, it was what I
expected. I would have been content to do
my paper on the Nazi subcultures in the
Deep Web, or maybe even pedophiles, but I
ran across something that really
interested me. It was a forum awkwardly
titled
"Enthusiasts of Suicide." The name led me
to believe the forum was enough
English-speaking origin. The forum itself
had a multi international array of
boards for users from different
countries I saw bought in Spanish French
Turkish Chinese a vast array of boards
but there was one common theme everyone
on the boards was fanatically obsessed
with suicide people in english-speaking
boards who shared different ideas about
suicide had to execute it how to lessen
the pain for people who are afraid of
suffering stories about friends who had
committed suicide
suicide fetishists sharing explicit
pictures with one another people having
philosophical discussions about suicide
it didn't seem to stop then on one of
the boards I noticed some people talking
about something called the suicide show
exam tonight are you going to watch it
one would say no I can't I have a big
day tomorrow I plan on going to work of
my 38 and killing my boss then I'm going
to kill myself the other would respond I
cringed at reading this the suicide show
if it was what it sounded like then it
will be some kind of a webcast the bunch
of people committing suicide I thought
my stomach tone and my palms were sweaty
but my mind was racing with curiosity I
had to find out what this show was all
about this suicide cult had already
given me enough material for an exciting
thesis but this would be the coup de
Gras I found out that the show came on
at 1:00 in my time and I fished around
until I found a link to the show my
throat had a huge knot sitting in it and
I know I must have been sweaty but I
couldn't let my nerves get in the way of
my research I was doing important work
here the life he came on with an eerie
sounding MIDI playing in the background
the film quality was grainy as if filmed
using a cell phone or a cheap camera a
woman with a microphone held tightly in
both hands stood with a forced smile on
her face I could see her mascara
had run down her face and she had been
crying
she looked like she may have been in her
40s she was Asian and she looked
incredibly uncomfortable and afraid I
gripped the armrest of my chair
my nails digging into him she made me
uneasy the whole thing made me uneasy
but this was getting much more strange
she started speaking in a foreign
language so I quickly clicked a button
that would display English subtitles on
screen welcome to the suicide show I'll
be your host for this evening
she said her pitch shaky and a nerve
just the sound of her frightened voice
it is so much more surreal and slightly
nauseating let's start the show she
shouted with uneasy and forced glee she
current arm up in the air her teeth
clenched tightly into a nervous smile
and a tear rolling down from one eye
this had to be fake it was weird but
there was no way
I was honestly about to be privy about
what I thought I was going to witness
they tried hard to convince me this was
some illicit game show from hell that
this woman was being held against a will
like Vanna White at gunpoint but I was
inviting there's no way this was really
happening our first contestant is from
New York
his name is Robert Howard she read from
a cue card nervously looking up at the
camera with wild eyes she then lowered
the guard I could see her hands shaking
the compulsory toothy smile flash again
as she lifted a hand to the air a
spotlight highlighted the area around
the man sitting in a chair he had a
shotgun in his hands I thought my nails
dig deeper into my arm risk i clenched
my teeth and watched on in horror he
lifted the shotgun to his mouth I saw
tears running from his eyes and he fired
I could see the inside of his mouth
lights up for a brief second as the shot
rang out startlingly loud a joke to my
chair from the sound of the blast I saw
his head jerk back briefly but a
discharge of brain and blood hit the
wall behind him his head then lurched
forward his upper body slumped ahead
folding in on itself his head dangling I
could see the top of his head I could
see the blood and the gore and I could
see smoke wafting from where the blast
had penetrated I had seen plenty of
horror movies 19 plenty of gore and the
Internet to know the difference I place
the hand of my mouth I've got the air
they came my lungs as I stared on an
abject terror judges the woman cried out
throwing her arm as the cheap cameras
one around to highlight three people
sitting at a table they wore black masks
with zippers that formed smiles from
mouths in white tape that formed X's
over the rise with small punctures in
them so they could see the show one
judge held up at three point eight the
other four molest judge held up a 3.5
our next contestant is Carlos Riviera of
Los Angeles she said
moving on to the next man this man stood
still wearing no shirt and a simple pair
of jeans he's holding something in his
right hand his head was hanging low he
looked like he was focusing
concentrating on something trying to
steal himself he gritted his teeth
clenched him tightly
his body shaking and suddenly started to
yell furiously as he brought a butcher
knife up to his neck and started slicing
across his throat the knife cut coarsely
to the skin ripping through flesh but he
didn't get across his entire throat
before it fell to his knees and grabbed
his gullet in his hands I saw blood
spreading all over the floor pushing
outward from the open wound
his eyes were little with fear as he
choked on his own blood
look at him gosh the woman cried out her
voice a mixture of false enthusiasm
panic and something akin to disgust he
collapsed into a pile on the floor his
legs kicking as he struggled to breed
judges the woman said again the camera
swinging around once more the judges
held up a 4.8 4.9 and 4.7 respectively
over two other contestants but I
couldn't watch anymore
I closed the window to the feed and
walked over to my window I had to catch
my breath my heart was racing what
I just seen I didn't sleep that night
I could see the man who would slit his
own throat I could see his eyes
as he struggled to breathe to a throat
full of his own blood I could see his
bloody hands clasping at his neck in
some mixture of instinctual reaction or
regretful horror I could see him kicking
on the floor laying sideways in a pool
of his own blood every time I close my
eyes it's all I saw needless to say I
dropped the paper and the suicide
enthusiast
you
