♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME BACK TO THE LATE SHOW,
I'M STILL STEPHEN COLBERT, LET'S
CHECK IN WITH JON BATISTE,
HELLO, JON, HOW ARE YOU.
>> Jon: HELLO, I'M GOOD, AND
I'M THINK BEING HOW MUCH I LOVE
OUR POSTAL WORKERS.
>> Stephen: I LOVE OUR POSTAL
WORKERS TOO.
I REALLY LOVE THE PEOPLE THAT
COME TO MY DOOR.
BUT I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVE A
DEEPER CONNECTION TO THE POST
OFFICE THAN I DO, TELL ME ABOUT
IT.
>> Jon: WELL, MY GRANDFATHER,
HE MARCHED AND ORGANIZED FOR THE
RIGHT FOR POSTAL WORKERS IN THE
'60S IN THE LOUISIANA, HE WAS
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNION.
AND THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE
WHO FOUGHT FOR OUR POSTAL
WORKERS TO DO THE GREAT JOB THEY
ARE DOING.
SO WE CANNOT-- .
>> Stephen: AS I WAS SAYING
BEFORE STRKS A BASIC FUNCTION OF
OUR SOCIETY, IT IS A STRANGE
THING TO TRY TO UNDERMINE, I
KNOW IT IS FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL,
YOU KNOW, HE THINKS IT WILL
PROFLT HIM.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BECAUSE OF THE
ELECTION, THE MAIL-IN VOTING BUT
IT IS A TERRIBLE THING TO KICK
OUT FROM UNDERNEATH YOUR OWN
GOVERNMENT.
>> Jon: YEAH, THESE SYSTEMS
ARE WHAT ARE THE BACKBONE OF OUR
SOCIETY.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE IT, THAT IS NOT
THE RIGHT VIBE.
>> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE
ANY MAIL-BASED SONG YOU CAN KICK
US OUT WITH.
>> Jon: OH PIE GOODNESS.
LET'S SEE.
♪
♪
>> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, JON.
>> Jon: THEY TAKE THE TRAIN
TOO, THEY TAKE THE MAIL ON THE
TRAIN.
>> Stephen: ON THE, TRAIN, I
WAS THINKING PLEASE MR. POSTMAN.
>> Jon: OH YEAH, THAT SAY GOOD
ONE TOO.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I SPENT
A LOT OF TIME CAREFULLY TENDING
TO THE VINEYARD OF THE NEWS AND
FERMENTING THE FINEST STORIES IN
THE HAND CRAFTED OAK CASKS OF
TOPICALITY TO CREATE THE FINALLY
ACHED COGNAC THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE BUT ONCE IN A
MILE WHILE I RUMMAGE THROUGH THE
UGLIEST PRODUCE IN THE AISLE,,
TO PRODUCE THE BRINY NEWS
PICKLES THAT ARE MY SEGMENT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, APPARENTLY
COVID-19 LOCKDOWNS HAVE LEAD TO
A HUGE SPIKE IN SEX DOLLS, MANY
ARE SOLD TO MRIED COUPLES WHICH
EITHER MEANS THEY WANT TO SPICE
UP THEIR LOVE LIFE OR PEOPLE IN
QUARANTINE ARE DESPERATE TO HAVE
A THIRD PERSON FOR GAME NIGHT.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, BIRDS AND
REPTILES CRY SIMILAR TEARS TO
HUMANS ACCORDING TO NEW
RESEARCH.
OBVIOUSLY THIS NEW RESEARCH OWES
A HUGE DEBT TO THE PREVIOUS
GROUND-BREAKING WORK OF WHOEVER
ANALYZED WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE
WHEN DOVES CRY.
RESEARCHERS COLLECTED SAMPLES OF
HEALTHY ANIMAL TEARS FROM SEVEN
SPECIES OF BIRDS AND REPTILES.
THE TEARS WERE EXTRACTED FROM
THE ANIMALS IN A COMPLEX, HUMANE
SCIENTIFIC PROCESS KNOWN AS
SHOWING THEM THE FINAL FEED FROM
"THE NOTEBOOK."
QUARANTINE-WHILE.
THE UNITED STATES SPACE FORCE
SENT OUT A TWEET YESTERDAY THAT
AIMED TO BE INSPIRING AND WAS
MORE CONFUSING.
CAN YOU IMAGINE YOUR LOVED ONE
COMING DOWN FROM THE ATTIC WITH
YOUR MEDALS, ACHIEVE.
S AND HONORS ASKING ABOUT THE
TIME YOU SHAPED THE STRATEGIC
ENVIRONMENT.
HOW WOULD YOU EVEN BEGIN TO
EXPLAIN THAT.
BY BEING PART OF THE SHAPING.
WOW T DID NOT TAKE LONG FOR
SPACE FORCE TO BE TAKEN OVER BY
ALIENS.
FELLOW HUMANS, PLEASE JOIN US
OTHER HUMANS WHO SEEK AND WRITE
AS NORMAL WHEN WE ENGAGE IN THE
SHAPENNING.
THERE IS NOTHING TO FEAR, YOU
SHALL BE SHAPED.
QUARANTINE-WHILE TOY MAKER
FISCHER-PRICE JUST RELEASED A
TOY SET CALLED, AND THIS IS HOW
IT IS LISTED.
THE FISCHER PRICE LAUGH AND
LEARN SMART LEARNING HOME, MY
HOME OFFICE.
ADORABLE.
KIDS WANT TO IMITATE AND
LEARNING SMART THEIR HOME
PARENTS SO THEY CAN MY OFFICE
LAB LAPTOP TRADEMARK.
INCLUDING A SMART FON AND
HEADSET, TO GO COFFEE CUP AND
PLASTIC RED LAPTOP WITH STICK ON
APPS THAT PICTURE A KAL ENENDER
BAR GRAPH AND CHART AND A KITTY
WEARING GLASSES.
WHAT JOB DO PARENTS HAVE THAT
INVOLVES A ZOOM CHAT WITH A
KITTY WEARING GLASSES.
LISTEN HERE, WHISKERS, IF I
DON'T HAVE THOSE Q4 NUMBERS BY
END OF DAY YOU CAN THROW THAT
PROMOTION IN THE LITTER BOX.
I WANT THAT REPORT AND I WANT IT
MEOW.
NEW YORKERS WHO MISSED THE BAR
SCENE ARE LEARNING TO LOVE THE
YUT DOORS BECAUSE OUT OF WORK
BARTENDERS ARE SERVING SWANKY
COCKTAILS IN NEW YORK CITY PARKS
NOT AS FUN AS BAR HOPPING BUT AT
LEAST IN THE PARK YOU NEVER HAVE
TO STAND IN LINE FOR THE
BATHROOM.
QUARANTINE-WHILE.
RESEARCHERS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT
ANOTHER RISK FACTOR FOR COVID IS
VAPING.
VAPORS AGE 13 TO 24 WERE FIVE
TIMES AS LIKELY TO TEST POSITIVE
FOR THE CORONAVIRUS.
FOLKS, I'M IN THE A DOCTOR BUT I
DON'T WANT TO GO TOO FAR OUT ON
A LIMB HERE BUT I'M STARTING TO
THINK THAT UNREGULATED MEN THOL
CHERRY KOALA MIST SUCKED OUT OF
A $10 SPACE HEATER MIGHT HAVE A
DOWNSIDE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE PUBLIC HOLIDAYS
HAVE A PANDEMIC WORRY, MANY WHEN
RELY ON DO MAITIONS FOR THEIR
BUDGET ET THE-- BUDGETS KRILTS
FEEL THE ECONOMIC DOWN TOWN WILL
GIVE THEM-- IF YOU DON'T THINK
CORPORATE DONORS INFLUENCE
CORRIC LUM, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY
NEVER TAKEN HISTORY CLASS,
AMERICAN ITALIAN CULTURE, THE
EVOLUTION OF THE IS UP SUPREMO P
ZONE,-- WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
THE HOST OF THE SIR CUT MARK
McKINNON AND ALEX WAGNER.
TAKE A CHANCE, TAKE A CHANCEK
TAKE A CHANCE.
