>>> THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING.
I'M DR. MARKOWITZ WITH NASA AND
THIS IS DR. HANDLY WITH THE
INSTITUTE FOR TEMPORAL
ANOMALIES.
>> WE'RE OBVIOUSLY VERY
INTERESTED IN YOUR STORY AS
YOU'RE THE FIRST THREE PEOPLE TO
HAVE EXPERIENCED A VERIFIED TIME
TRAVEL EVENT.
>> THIS IS BANANAS.
I MEAN, WE WERE JUST THREE BUDS
WATCHING TV AND NOW, WE'RE
QUANTUM PIONEERS.
>> NOW PLEASE TELL US HOW THIS
TIME PORTAL APPEARED.
>> I GOT A THREE-MONTH TRIAL, WE
WERE WATCHING
RAY DONOVAN ON SHOWTIME, AND I'M
A FAN, I'M A SUCKER FOR FLAWED
HEROES, GOOD PERSON, BAD DEEDS,
THAT DICHOTOMY IS VERY RICH TO
ME.
>> WONDERFUL.
BUT IF YOU COULD FOCUS ON THE
TIME TRAVEL.
>> UH, RIGHT, YEAH, WELL, ME AND
HER, WE WAS ON THE COUCH WHEN
THIS GLOWING MAJESTIC GATEWAY
APPEARED AND WE DRIFTED INTO IT.
AND WE FOUND OURSELVES IN A
GORGEOUS CITY MADE ENTIRELY OF
CRYSTAL OR SOMETHING.
>> YEAH, AND WE WERE WELCOMED BY
A GROUP OF PEOPLE MADE UP OF
JUST ALL THE RACES IN THE WORLD
AND THEY SAID, WE ARE THE
COUNCIL OF HUMANITY, THIS IS THE
FUTURE.
IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL.
>> AND YOU, MISS RAFFERTY?
>> YEAH, A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR
ME, I MUST HAVE BEEN ON THE
WRONG SIDE OF THE PORTAL OR
SOMETHING, BECAUSE I WASN'T SO
MUCH WELCOMED TO THE FUTURE AS I
WAS VIOLENTLY SUCKED A MILLION
YEARS INTO THE PAST.
I WENT TO CAVEMAN TIMES, MAN.
I GOT YANKED SO HARD, MY SWEATS
AND MY SNEAKS STAYED IN THE
PRESENT.
SO I LAND ASS UP FACE DOWN IN
THE MUD WITH MY COOTER AND
TOOTER ON FULL DISPLAY.
AND I'M THINKING, "GOSH, LAST
TIME I WAS IN THIS POSITION, I
GOT KICKED OUT OF WOODSTOCK
'99."
>> AND WERE THERE PEOPLE THERE
TO WELCOME YOU AS WELL?
>> "PEOPLE" IS SUCH A STRONG
WORD.
YOU KNOW ON THE
EVOLUTION CHART WHERE YOU SEE
HOW THE MONKEYS BECAME HUMAN?
THESE GUYS HADN'T HIT THE
HALFWAY MARK YET.
>> LET'S FOCUS ON WHAT HAPPENED
IN THE FUTURE.
>> IT WAS BEAUTIFUL, I WOULD
HAVE WEPT BUT I WAS ALL CRIED
OUT FROM WATCHING "NURSE JACKIE"
ON SHOWTIME.
>> THESE TWO ARE WALKING AROUND
WAKANDA, MEANWHILE, WHERE I'M
AT, IT'S THE RISE OF THE PLANET
OF THE APES, ALL 50 OF THESE
HAIRY MONKEY PEOPLE ARE RUBBING
ME WITH THEIR BUTTS.
IT AIN'T EXACTLY A TUSCAN
SUNSET.
>> PERHAPS THIS WAS SOME SORT OF
PRIMITIVE RELIGIOUS RITUAL?
>> BUDDY, GOD HAD NO PART IN
THIS.
THEY WERE MARKING ME WITH THEIR
SCENT.
AND THESE GUYS WEREN'T EXACTLY
ZESTFULLY CLEAN.
THEY ZEBRA STRIPED MY T-SHIRT SO
MUCH, I LOOKED LIKE A FOOT
LOCKER EMPLOYEE.
IT'S NEVER EASY MAKING NEW
FRIENDS, RIGHT?
>> NOTED.
AND WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IN THE
FUTURE?
>> WE WAS TAKEN TO THIS PLACE
CALLED THE OCULUS AND INSIDE WAS
ALL THESE GATEWAYS TO OTHER
SOLAR SYSTEMS.
>> EACH ONE WAS A PLANET THEY
HAD COLONIZED.
I COULDN'T BELIEVE I WAS CHOSEN
TO WITNESS THIS.
>> I TOO WAS CHOSEN.
CHOSEN BY THE ALPHA FEMALE TO BE
HER NEW GIRLFRIEND.
SHE COMES AT ME LIKE A
SILVERBACK, RIGHT?
RAGDOLLS ME.
AND LOOK, I REALLY AIN'T INTO
LADIES BUT IF NOTHING ELSE IS
OPEN, I'LL EAT AT A TACO BELL,
YOU SMELL WHAT I'M SAYING?
>> YES, I THINK I DO.
>> SO ANYWAY, THIS GAL WANTS TO
BOND, RIGHT?
DO YOU MIND, DEX?
SHE CLIMBS ON MY BACK, RIGHT,
SHE STARTS PICKING AT ME,
LOOKING FOR STUFF TO EAT.
AND UNFORTUNATELY SHE'S FINDING
A BUFFET.
SO I GUESS THE SNACK GOT HER IN
THE MOOD BECAUSE THEN SHE STARTS
LIKE GRINDING INTO MY HEAD,
TRYING TO MATE WITH MY HAIR, I
GUESS.
SHE'S USING MY FACE FOR LIKE A
HANDHOLD.
THEN SHE GOES BACK TO EATING,
CLIMBS AROUND THE FRONT AND SEES
MY EAR, WHICH I GUESS SHE THINKS
IS SOME KIND OF VENDING MACHINE
BECAUSE SHE'S JUST -- SHE'S
CANDLING.
BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAX.
OKAY.
THEN FOR THE GRAND FINALE SHE
REACHES DOWN, SHE POPS A FINGER
UP HER KEESTER, AND I'M LIKE,
HEY, CURIOUS GEORGINA, LAST
PERSON TO TRY THAT NEVER SAW HIS
WEDDING RING AGAIN.
>> YES.
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
>> NO PROBLEM.
AND THANK YOU, DEX.
>> YOUR JEANS RUG BURNED MY
NECK.
>> I GOT BUSHED, SMUSHED BY A
CAVE WOMAN.
YOU'LL LIVE.
>> NOW, HOW WERE YOU ALL BROUGHT
BACK TO THE PRESENT?
>> UMM, WELL, THE PORTAL OPENED
UP, AND THE COUNCIL SAID WHEN
FEAR IS REPLACED BY TRUST, YOUR
WORLD WILL BEGIN TO CHANGE.
SO THEN WE WERE HOME.
>> YEAH.
IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING
THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
RIGHT UP THERE WITH GETTING THAT
EMAIL THAT SAID YOU'VE BEEN
SELECTED FOR A FREE MONTH OF THE
SHOWTIME CHANNEL.
>> SEE, THAT'S PISS IN MY
PORRIDGE BECAUSE WHEN I DOVE IN
THE PORTAL TO GET HOME, STILL
PANTSLESS, MIND YOU, I LANDED
DOWNWARD DOG IN A GRAND HYATT
CASINO WITH MY BEAN BURRITO IN
BARRY LEVINE'S FACE.
>> WHO IS BARRY LEVINE?
>> A YOUNG MAN WHO WILL NEVER
FORGET HIS BAR MITZVAH.
>> WE WOULD LIKE TO TAKE YOU ALL
FOR A MEDICAL EXAM.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
