

### On Lights

### Shine Brighter

The Magic

Of

Little Wins

Copyright© 2019 by Will Clark

Published by Will Clark at Smashwords

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your enjoyment only, then please return to Smashwords.com or your favorite retailer and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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### Contents

Preface

Introduction

Chapter 1 Beginnings

Chapter 2 Guilt

Chapter 3 Anger

Chapter 4 Fear

Chapter 5 Attitude

Chapter 6 Steps

Chapter 7 The Next Step

Chapter 8 A Goal

Chapter 9 Sharing

Chapter 10 Obstacles

Chapter 11 Signals and Signs

Chapter 12 Priorities

Chapter 13 Doing it Naturally

Conclusion

About the Author

Other Books by the Author

### Preface

This book was written in 1995. It was not published until 2019.

Who am I? Where do I belong? What am I suppose to do? What am I suppose to be? What do I want to do?

Few of us ever escape these questions even as we mature, and even as society assumes we have separated ourselves from these questions. Most of us spend our lives wondering what our lives should be. While we are filled with these questions ourselves, we tell students, children and others whom we counsel and advise that they should decide what they want to do and what they want to be, so they can grow up to be successful. Are we strange beings with strange imaginations; or, are these feelings caused by things and events that are real?

Many feelings, imaginations and real events cause us to be uncertain and to question the purpose for our existence, our abilities and our importance. Not only are we born to question ourselves, to doubt ourselves, to be our own 'worst critic;' society also conditions us to be that way. Today it's unusual in our society for a person to feel free to develop life to the fullest without fear or intimidation. This dilemma of the needs of society versus the needs of each individual in society is not new.

Bertrand Russell, in his book, Authority and the Individual, published in 1960, wrote, "How can we combine that degree of individual initiative which is necessary for progress with the degree of social cohesion that is necessary for survival?" This need for social cohesion that Russell identifies often shows itself in the form of peer pressure, social pressure, and even mob violence. Societies, cultural groups and even sub-cultural groups often view individualism as a threat to the security of the status, views and norms that hold their groups together. Each group or subgroup fights zealously to maintain its status quo. Change and individualism threaten that status quo.

On the other hand, individualism and personal initiative in many cultures necessitate change. As individuals seeking our personal success modes and methods, we make ourselves vulnerable to the ravages of that society that zealously seeks to protect itself against those unknown changes. When we as individuals seek to become successful and happy some changes in the society around us might occur. Ordinarily those changes aren't directed toward social or cultural change but are only incidental and accidental to our personal drive to be successful and happy.

We often do things we think others want us to do rather than doing things we know we should do. We become slaves to what we think others expect from us. In doing so we suffer regret, loss of self esteem and, often, loss of motivation to develop our higher levels of natural abilities. We become defeated; we defeat ourselves.

We become defeated because we are afraid to be the people we were born to be, we are afraid just to be ourselves. This fear, however, is not always based on imagination alone. Society expects certain things from individuals in our society, and if we don't perform according to those expectations society tries to punish us, and often succeeds.

This book explains why and how these events and feelings exist, and gives insight and suggestions to help overcome these negative obstacles that keep many people from developing themselves to their highest potential of achievement and happiness. This book is written by a lifetime stutterer who overcame real social and personal handicaps and along the way discovered the joy and happiness that result from escaping society's protective and repressive demands.

In question and awe I struggle to see

Who this person is inside me.

I search and seek with all my might,

Till I see myself with an inner light.

### Introduction

This is not a book about myself. It's not about the problem of stuttering, or about my personal lifetime problem of stuttering. This book is about the negative influences that other people have on a person's life, and about the negative thoughts that individuals have that limit their own success and happiness. These influences are identified and explored through my experiences as a stutterer.

People who stutter severely enough to suffer constant social embarrassment and ridicule learn to recognize these social pressures and influences. It's a natural defensive reaction they learn to avoid unpleasant situations that often completely destroy their feeling of self worth as a human being. Stuttering is a different type of handicap because it creates sudden shock and terror in an environment that's not prepared. Neither the speaker nor the listener knows what to do when a stutterer is trying to struggle through a speech block.

During a stuttering speech block the stutterer struggles to avoid the problem, and the listener doesn't know how to help. Sometimes the listener's reaction is ridicule, and sometimes it's a sincere but futile effort to help. Neither reaction is the correct reaction. Awareness of social influences and pressures helps many stutterers cope with their constantly anticipated embarrassment and ridicule.

Some of these influences are real, and some are only imagined through one's perceptions. Nevertheless, they have the same negative results on one's life. It doesn't matter if these influences are real or only imagined. A stutterer is more aware of them, and is often more affected by them. A person's success and happiness are often guided, affected and determined by these social influences.

Why must these negative influences that restrict and even destroy people's motivations and success be exposed and dealt with? Does this examination serve a reasonable and worthwhile purpose? It does. The happiness and success of individuals depend upon this understanding. Also, the composite success of individuals in our society eventually determines the strength and longevity of our democratic society.

The future of our country is literally at stake. The major question being: what form of government and what economic and social conditions do we want our distant heirs to inherit? That question will be answered by our resolve and our ability to understand and to overcome the pressures and influences that urge us to be less effective as individuals, and as contributing parts of society, than we can and should be.

The U.S. Army has a recruiting motto that applies to this concept. That motto is "Be all you can be." In the real world social pressures and expectations work directly against that idea. Pressures and influences of society suggest a motto that says, "Be all you can be within our limitations." The goals of this book are to identify those limitations and to show how and why those limitations keep many people from achieving the success they deserve.

Society has many built-in tools to prevent people from reaching their highest potential success and happiness. Those tools have names that can be identified. Some of the most identifiable names include: guilt, fear, peer pressure, physical threats, economic threats, conformance, denial, intimidation, ridicule, innuendo, control and tribalism.

Before we explore each of these influences it's important to define the concepts of success and happiness. Success and happiness are things I strive for, and I'm probably no different from most people. This book would be useless without these definitions as basic reference points. If you don't desire success and happiness then this book will not be a valuable tool for you. If you want to be successful and happy, and you aren't at this time, this book will explain why and will help you find that success and happiness.

Success, although it has many definitions, is simply nothing more than to reach a goal. Anyone who establishes a goal and reaches it is successful. There are those in our modern society who would argue that success is to achieve a certain level of economic status. This would be a valid definition if one's goal is to achieve that status.

This debate over the definition of success is one of the major concepts that keeps unsuccessful and unhappy people from finding their happiness. They are too often trying to achieve goals that other people in society have assigned for them. They are influenced to expect themselves to accept those 'normal' goals. This assignment of their expected goals by society obscures the goals that many people would ordinarily set for themselves. Fulfilling one's natural goals is the path to happiness. It's unlikely that one can find happiness by trying to reach goals other people have determined for that person.

This understanding gives us a clue to the definition of happiness. Happiness must result from reaching those natural and important goals a person chooses to set for himself or herself. Those natural goals are not those established or expected by society, or by other individuals. Of course, those personal goals must be within the legal and moral limits established and expected by society.

To be yourself, to fulfill your potential, you can't be everything to everybody else. You must first find your own happiness before you can share that happiness with other people. Otherwise, you will waste your efforts and good intentions.

The highest level of happiness results from making other people happy. To make other people happy one must first find that happiness, internally. As a species, we are locked together on this planet Earth in our search for happiness. We must all depend upon one another in that search. This idea is reinforced in a book written by Alfred Adler, titled What Life Should Mean to You. In his book, Adler wrote, "It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human failures spring."

We must search for our own happiness through our own darkness, through our own fears and through our own doubts. When we discover the light that illuminates that happiness, we must share it with our fellow human beings. That makes our light shine brighter. Perhaps some even become that light.

That light has been given to me, brighter each day, as I continue to eliminate my own self imposed darkness. That darkness is the fear of being embarrassed and ridiculed; the anticipation of failure; the question of my self worth; and my lack of understanding of the reason for my speech handicap. The more I allow that light to shine, the more that darkness fades. I see more of the real person I am - and I am beginning to like that person I see.

That's the purpose for this book. I want to share the light I found with others who are searching for success and happiness. I have already discovered that sharing makes my light shine a little brighter.

As a high school graduate in 1957, I was too embarrassed, too insecure and too afraid of ridicule from my stuttering problem to initiate a conversation with anyone. I was too frightened to try to speak even to ask for a job. I joined the Air Force because, at that time, I didn't even have to ask. When I walked into the office the recruiter knew what I wanted.

Speaking is now one of my great joys. I can now look at someone directly in the eyes while I am talking. No longer do I have to close my eyes to hide the shame of looking ridiculous while trying to force out a simple word. No longer do I have to hang up a telephone in desperation and panic because I couldn't tell the other person on the line who I was or what I wanted. Not only do I no longer fear those things, for the past few years I have been blessed to have the honor of being a requested speaker, even a paid speaker, at both formal and informal gatherings. I am always happy to share my new freedom, which few people to whom I speak are even aware.

This book, however, is not about my sixty plus years of being a stutterer. This book is a guide to help anyone overcome real or imagined problems to find personal success and happiness. Through my difficult years I learned how to do that. Now I want to share that with you.

チ

### Chapter 1

Beginnings

チ

Getting On Board

The ocean, that vastness upon which we float, hides countless secrets in its giant canyons, caverns and depths. Yet, even with its immeasurable realms, it began when a microscopic mist embraced a single speck of dust. As all other things, the ocean had a beginning.

The ground upon which we walk during the day and sleep during the night began as the earth, encased by ocean, squeezed itself to form a mountain peak tall enough to poke its head above the ocean's layer to taste the sky. Everything that exists has a beginning. Since everything has a beginning, beginnings must be important.

Think back in your life - way back. I know you can if you concentrate. I can't remember every detail in my young life, but I can recall some impressive feelings and influences when I was about two years old. I can remember picking up pears that had fallen from a pear tree near my grandparent's house. Those pears were as large as watermelons.

I also remember several things that indicated the low economic status of our family at that time. We were very poor, although at that time I didn't know what the word 'poor' was or what it meant.

Nevertheless, I remember living in houses that were unpainted and without insulation between the walls. I'm not sure they even had inner walls. I can remember seeing outside the house from the inside, without looking through a window. One house remains especially clear in my memory. It had an open breezeway in the center of the house from front to back. Rooms of the house were on both sides of the walkthrough breezeway. That breezeway was used for storing tools and gardening equipment. I learned later, in history books, that it was a dogtrot house.

I can also remember seeing my father trying to crank an old car, with a hand crank poked through the grill. This was about 1941.

While my mother worked in the field - it might have been a large garden, but to me it was a large field - I waited on a quilt pallet under a shade tree with my new brother. He was new because he was wearing diapers, and couldn't say anything. He could cry. I also remember drinking warm water from a 'Mason jar' while I waited for hours on that pallet.

One of my most unforgettable experiences, at about that same time, was to eat a spoonful of pepper. I saw it setting on the table, and I wondered what it was. I decided to try it. I also remember that it was a mistake. I did this while waiting in a little cafe above the bus depot. I think it was in Philadelphia, Mississippi because that's where I lived at that time.

Between the ages of two and three, I remember living with an aunt while my mother was working at a distant city. It might have been at the Ingalls Shipyard in Pascagoula, Mississippi. My father was never around at that time. I didn't even know what a father was. My clearest memories while I lived with my aunt was that I ate lots of oatmeal - I still remember the picture of the fat little face on the round oatmeal box; and I had some cousins to play with. At that time I didn't know they were cousins, they were just other people my age.

Later in my life, when I was three or four, I lived with one of my great uncles. His name was Wesley Allday. He died many years ago at age 86. I didn't know how old he was when I lived at his home, in Union, Mississippi. I believe he was a share-cropper at that time, and he lived in a house like the one I had lived in earlier in my life. It had an open breezeway that ran through the middle, with rooms on both sides. It was also a dogtrot house. It also had never been painted, on the inside or the outside.

While I lived with Uncle Wesley, my brother and I had an experience that probably no one else has ever had. We were both sitting in the outhouse; yes, some outhouses had dual seating - and the outhouse collapsed. My aunt, a teenager, herself, who was caring for us, spent the next two days trying to make us presentable and tolerable with soap, cologne and perfume, for a bus trip to go where my mother was. I believe it was either in Gulfport or Pascagoula, Mississippi. I remember living for awhile in Gulfport, and I also remember living for a longer time in Pascagoula.

My next memories carry me to Pascagoula. My mother worked at the Ingalls Shipyard as a welder. I was about four at that time, and many of my memories of that time are still clear. I remember living in a government green house trailer in a project trailer park. Those trailers were very small and didn't have individual showers and bathrooms. Those facilities were located in a central building near the center of the trailer park. The trailer park was located on Mantou Street. The word 'Mantoe' impressed me, as a child, and I remembered the name many years later. As an adult I even located it on a map, and visited there. Things were different in the area, but Mantou Street was still there. It was paved instead of dirt and gravel, but it was really there.

Other things about that trailer park remain clear in my memories. I remember the little girl next door, my age. I was afraid of her because she was quick to become angry and hit. I remember the day care center I attended while my mother worked. It was called a nursery at that time. I cried the first time I was left there. My special time of day at the nursery was when we had milk and graham crackers for snacks. I also remember going with my mother to visit my father, once, when he was in the local jail. I didn't know why he was in jail, but I learned years later that he was often a disorderly roustabout and drank heavily. It was a very frightening event because I saw how scared my mother and her two sisters with her were.

I don't remember ever living with my father, but I have some memories of seeing him occasionally. He made a sling-shot for me once. I was too young to use it. My parents divorced when I was four or five years old.

There was only one piece of new clothing I remember. It was a pair of short blue bibbed pants with straps that went across the shoulders. The straps were so tight that the pants were uncomfortable in the straddle. I remember wearing those pants while walking from the trailer park to a café. When we went into the café the jukebox was playing a popular tune at that time, 'In the Mood.' I heard the tune later, when I was older, and remembered hearing it before.

Gene Autry was the popular singing cowboy at that time, even on radio. I still remember his singing voice. As I passed that café another time I remember hearing his song, Rudolph the Red-nose Reindeer, for the first time.

A serious event happened while we were living there that made me aware that being able to talk freely was important. I can't remember if I were aware of not being able to talk easily before this event.

My younger brother and I were playing near a pond in the trailer park. As I remember, the edge of the pond having a boat ramp sloped steeply toward the water. We were running up and down the slope. One time, my brother who was still wearing diapers, couldn't stop running down toward the water and he fell in. It was deep at that part, at least over his head. I felt the danger and didn't know what to do. Finally, I don't know how long, I ran to get my mother. I don't know how far I had to go.

When I got to my mother, I remember not being able to tell her that my brother had fallen into the pond. I just pointed. I remember only the frustration and desperation of trying to say it. I also remember the guilt I felt by letting my little brother fall into the water. Mother jumped into the pond, fully clothed, in time to save my brother.

I don't think I ever got the words from my mouth. I think she just knew there was a problem and I led her to the pond.

Later, I don't know the exact time, we moved back to Union, Mississippi where I had lived with my Uncle Wesley. That was in 1944 or 1945, because I can remember seeing newspapers, shortly afterwards, about the war ending. The papers had pictures of Churchill, Stalin and Truman. I didn't know who they were, but I remember their pictures, very clearly. I remember the newspaper that had everyone excited. It had large words that were read to me as, "War Ends."

We lived in a rental apartment for short while until it burned down. We were in the Union Theater, on a Saturday evening, when someone came in and told us our house had just burned down. Although I was about four years old I remember the event that likely caused that fire. For some reason my mother had bought some baby chicks that day, perhaps a dozen or so. It was cold when we were getting ready to leave for the theater which was within walking distance, about half a mile or so. The chicks were huddled together in the corner of the box so my mom put a light bulb in the box to keep them warm. She was only about twenty or twenty-one at that time; and it was probably a cardboard box. Nevertheless, that's probably what caused the fire. It was Mrs. Haley's house near the old highway 15 bridge over the GM&O railroad tracks coming into Union from the southeast.

We lived with other relatives for awhile after that. Just before I started school, in Union, we moved into another house. My mother bought an old house on ten acres of land on Gordon Road about a mile and a half east of Union. Those same railroad tracks ran across the road in front of our house. The house didn't have indoor plumbing or electricity, but it was painted. The paint was old and flaking off, but it had been painted white.

We finally got indoor plumbing and electricity several years later when I was twelve years old and in the sixth grade. Until then, we had kerosene lamps for lighting, a fireplace for heating and a wood-burning stove for cooking. What did we use for washing clothes? It was a black boiling kettle in the back yard. We used the wash tubs for rinsing clothes and for taking baths.

Before I started school, I was aware of my speech problem. The harder I tried to speak more clearly, the worse my stuttering became. All the adults, mostly my relatives, kept telling me to stop and start over when I had difficulty trying to speak. That was most of the time. No one was trained in speech therapy in our area; consequently, no one knew what to say to me. For someone to suggest "stop and start over" was the only logical advice, and the only logical thing to say. It probably seemed more humane to them than to let me suffer in desperate agony by myself. I had no idea what to do, myself, so that sounded like good advice to me. It never worked.

At about the time I started school, I don't remember a time that I ever spoke a complete sentence without difficulty, especially around adults. A few words would flow easily, occasionally, but I could never say a complete sentence without the stuttering blocks that seemed endless. My voice mechanisms, especially my mouth, were uncontrollable. At times I couldn't move my lower jaw, and at other times I could move my jaw, but not in the right place to form words. To anyone who has ever observed a stutterer experiencing a severe speech block, these reactions appear to be contortions. To a stutterer, it's simply not being able to control the movement of the mouth to form the word. That lack of control, and even the anticipation of that lack of control, turns quickly to fear, apprehension and more loss of control.

Although this is not a book on stuttering therapy, this is an opportunity to express an observation to anyone interested in speech therapy. The problem is not caused by improper breathing, as some therapists and other counselors who work with stutterers think. The problem is getting the mouth to work in conjunction with the vocal cords. A stutterer does not activate the vocal cords until that person has control of the mouth. Even a stutterer knows a person doesn't want to listen to someone hum for five minutes before speaking. Humming would probably be a good technique, but I don't know many people who would have the patience, or would like the dull tune, to wait for one or two words. Humming, however, would produce less facial contortions than actual stuttering.

If ineffective breathing doesn't cause stuttering, then what does? This question has never been fully answered, but I believe it's caused by a combination of feelings and events; some ordinary and some extraordinary. For example, one of those contributing feelings might be guilt. I remember those strong guilt feelings when I was young.

When I began school, I didn't stutter in class. I could talk to other students, I could talk to teachers, and I could talk to anyone involved with the classroom. I was so happy to be in school, and I was so totally absorbed in that new and exciting environment that I didn't think about stuttering. Since I didn't think about it, I didn't fear it. I was like everybody else, a new student in school. This concept helps confirm another unusual fact regarding stuttering. In societies that don't have the word stutter, or a comparable word for stuttering, there are no stutterers. One of my uncles, my father's brother, stuttered.

Where does guilt come into the act, and how did it affect me and my life? Guilt caused me to begin stuttering in school as well as at home. During a conversation with one of my family members, I don't remember which one because two of my aunts lived with us at the time, I mentioned that I didn't stutter in school. I hadn't thought of it before that conversation and I don't know how that conversation developed. Nevertheless, I remember being told that since I didn't stutter in school, I should be that same way around other people, including at home.

I knew I couldn't change in the environment where I had always stuttered. It wasn't something I did just to get attention, or because I had nothing else better to do with my time. I couldn't turn it off, simply because I wanted to.

I began to feel the guilt of stuttering around my family and my stuttering became a more constant fear, even in school. I started stuttering in school, and it wasn't intentional. It just happened without any control. I feel certain that my mind used that guilt feeling to control my weakness. To eliminate that guilt, my feelings must have determined that it was only fair that I stuttered everywhere.

Other people have their lives controlled by guilt in many other ways that aren't always recognized. I recognize guilt, because I looked it directly in the eye and felt its invisible power. I know exactly when it wrapped its arms around me and took control of my life although I couldn't see how it took control of my life at that time. My reaction was negative from that invisible guilt. In some way, it affected my subconscious mind. It was hidden where I couldn't see it and deal with it. Anyway, at that time I was too young to understand it.

Visible guilt often encourages positive reactions. A person is aware of visible guilt when it's present. That person simply feels guilty about something the person did or did not do. How many men, husbands or friends, take women to dinner to compensate for something they feel guilty about? How often does a guilty feeling cause a person to apologize or to send flowers or other gifts to someone? That visible guilt can be felt by one's conscious mind. If it can be felt, or acknowledged, some action can be taken to relieve that guilt or to compensate for it.

Invisible guilt, that which hides in the subconscious mind, has a free playing field. It can influence and direct a person's life, free from any questions or challenges.

Actions that result from visible guilt may be positive and make the person suffering from that guilt feel better. Also, it usually produces something positive for other people. Invisible guilt causes failure and despair to the person who suffers from it, and the person has no way to ever know why. Many people who should be successful and happy never find that success and happiness because subconscious guilt, that invisible thief, will not let them find it. Let's explore this invisible thief more, and consider some ways to thwart him, in the next chapter.

### Chapter 2

Guilt

### The Lingering Avenger

"I wish I had" is all I can say, when the

Opportunity has passed away.

Some people charge directly ahead into success showing an attitude that success is the only possibility. And, they are usually successful at whatever they do. Other people, with the same fundamental ability, and under the same circumstances, don't succeed. Is that difference determined by destiny? Or, is it determined by something within each person? It's not determined necessarily by higher intelligence or by stronger effort.

If you are reading this book, you are trying to find that answer for yourself to improve your life; or, you are trying to gain information to help someone else. In either case, your purpose is to find another piece of the puzzle to answer the success question; that is, what causes success?

A major clue to find that little piece of the puzzle is to understand the dynamic negative forces of subconscious guilt. The previous chapter explained the difference between conscious guilt and subconscious guilt. Basically, subconscious guilt is the guilt you cannot feel. Only your subconscious knows it's there. It remains buried there, often limiting one's success and happiness until it's replaced by something more positive. That's the purpose for this chapter; to show how to remove that guilt by replacing it with something positive.

We can search for examples of subconscious guilt to begin an understanding of how it got there. Let's go back to the basic beginnings of our lives and search for some of those early little guilts that lurk in our minds. This takes a little effort, but it's within everyone's ability.

Do you remember some of the things that happened to you when you were first learning to walk? Spontaneously, you might answer that you can't remember that far back - but you can. Do you need a guide? Okay, just relax and here we go.

Don't you remember looking at an adult and trying to please that person by taking steps? Remember, you struggled to balance on one foot and your body, while you moved the other foot. Remember that bulgy diaper that kept your legs apart so you couldn't move easily? Don't you remember you wanted to stand up so you could be taller like other people? Remember how big everyone else was? Sure you can. If not, don't you remember this - how hard it was to stand back up when you fell down? I never wanted to fall, because the struggle to get up made me so tired. Although my body was small, it had to lift all my weight at that time. My back just wasn't strong enough to do it. It took me forever to learn to run without falling when I tried to stop. It might take some practice, but we can remember most of those things.

How does this involve guilt? I remember, very well, that I was conscious of my surroundings at all stages of my life. I don't remember every event that happened to me, at all times, but I remember that I was conscious and aware of those events as they happened at the times they happened. Consequently, I believe everything and every feeling that ever happens to a person are recorded in the person's mind. We can find most of those things if we search deeply enough. I remember having my diaper changed. If I remember having the diaper changed, my subconscious probably remembers the complaints of those people who had to change that diaper.

Would you like to try an experiment to prove this point? Simply scold a baby while changing that baby's diaper. Do you think the baby will keep smiling? Of course not. That baby will be aware of that harshness, and most likely those hurt feeling will cause the baby to cry. That's the baby's time of existence and the baby's time of cognizance. That crying is the baby's expression of guilt. The baby knows exactly what's happening at that time.

Scolding a baby really isn't necessary to understand this example. Merely think of the times you have seen this happen. Let's be kind to babies so they don't suffer from guilt of having to have their diapers changed, and so we don't suffer from the guilt of creating an unhappy baby.

Let's move a little forward in time and age to about three. Remember how difficult it was to find all the answers to all life's questions? Don't you remember you had to know what dirt was, what air was, why birds could fly, why some things were tall and some things short, why it took so long to grow up, why Santa Claus came only on Christmas and where cloth came from? Remember burning your fingers because you wanted to know what 'hot' was? An important question I specifically remember asking was - what was the extra body part for?

Parent's answers never satisfied the questions. There was always another "why" after every answer. I remember feeling guilty about all the questions, but I just had to know the next answer. After being a parent, and a grandparent, I now understand the maddening influence of that one word - why.

Does anything happen between ages five and seven that could cause a child to feel guilty? Isn't that about the time we are expected to be 'big boys and girls?' Big boys and girls don't cry. But, five to seven year old boys and girls do cry. Don't you remember trying to stop crying because you felt guilty about crying, since you were a 'big boy or girl' and shouldn't be crying? Sometimes I just couldn't stop, and I knew I should. How deep was my feeling of guilt? How long did it linger? I don't know, but I know at one time it was there where I could feel it.

Some children at that age have a more serious problem that's often the cause of more serious guilt feelings. Many children still wet their pants at that age. Some even wet the bed while they sleep. This creates a more serious form of guilt that might remain longer in one's conscious mind, because it's not considered socially correct to wet on yourself, or on your bed, when you are 'too old' to do that. If it remains long enough in one's consciousness, the subconscious surely will absorb it. It becomes locked in there, perhaps forever. Enough about bed-wetting, let's consider something more important: staying inside the lines.

I used to enjoy coloring in a coloring book. I remember coloring Little Red Riding Hood, that near-sighted little girl who couldn't tell the difference between a wolf and her grandmother. I thought she must have been rather strange, or else she came from a weird looking family. Now, I even wonder who let her buy that bottle of wine for her grandmother. I don't think she was old enough to go in a liquor store. If her mother or father bought that bottle of wine for her, why didn't they go with her to carry that bottle of wine to her grandmother's house?

Jack and Jill were two of my other favorite characters to color. They were so clumsy they kept falling down a hill. I never found out if they ever got a pail of water to the house. Did they give up and say, "Just forget it" after they spilled it all over themselves? Did they try again? Or did their father pay the water bill from the city so Jack and Jill wouldn't have to keep falling down trying to get water?

Remember Humpty Dumpty? He was nothing more than an egghead hanging around on a wall. How did he get up there? Why wasn't he in school? Did he skip school because he didn't have his homework completed? He looked like the kind of guy who deserved to fall apart. He just didn't have his act together.

Anyway, when I was in the first grade, I believe it was called primary at that time, I colored these little friends in school. I was always in a hurry to color them with my favorite crayons. The teacher had other ideas - something about neatness and staying inside the lines. I remember little feelings of guilt when I didn't take time to stay inside the lines when I knew I should have. It was more fun to hurry and see what Jack and Jill would look like covered with green water.

The next big event that affects many of us, as we reach the next stage in our lives, is having to do chores. Those chores were life's hardest jobs - since we had to do them.

Remember how hard it was to take out the garbage? Not only was it hard, it wasn't fair because others who should be doing their fair share, wouldn't. We had to do 'everything.' Chores became a form of punishment because we had to do them, and it wasn't fair. Isn't it easy to feel guilty for making an excuse for not doing chores, or isn't it easy to feel guilty for believing we had to do chores because we deserved to be punished for something?

I remember my awkward teenage years. Those are the times when we begin to learn broader concepts, and we believe that since we understand concepts, we also know all the answers. But those answers never did fit in the right places. Furthermore, those answers and those ideas never seemed to please any adults. Adults became people to fear and avoid, because they just didn't understand. Those unfeeling adults made us feel guilty because they rarely accepted any of our ideas or comments. We were strange beings who adults didn't understand.

What about grades in school? Could grades be the source of more guilt? Of course. I felt guilty about not making better grades while I was in school. I knew I could, I just didn't feel at the time that it was worth the effort. I proved to myself later in life that I really could make good grades if I wanted to. I still regret, feel guilty, about not being a better student while I was in primary and secondary school. I've heard many people say they regret having this same feeling.

These are common life experiences many people might have as their lives develop. It's not a plan and it's not a conspiracy. For many average people, it's just the way life unfolds. We don't have time to practice it, for it happens only once. We struggle through each experience the best we can. And, each of those experiences offers an opportunity for us to absorb more guilt feelings.

We haven't even considered the typical everyday things that can create guilt at any time and at any age. What about the little white lies, the broken promises, the criticism of someone else, the uncaring attitude, harshness to someone else, and the threat to do harm to someone else? Aren't these the things we regret and feel badly about after they happen? Saying "I'm sorry" might make both persons feel better, but much of the guilt that caused the apology must remain somewhere. It lies hidden in our subconscious minds.

Okay, so you know you are influenced by some guilt. It might cause havoc with your personality and your success, or it might simply cause you to question your motives occasionally. Nevertheless, it's real, and if it's harming your potential for success and happiness you must deal with it. Isn't it better to deal with it than to feel guilty about feeling guilty?

I have a strong urge to say it's really easy to deal with guilt. Now I know the outcome from my efforts for myself, but I didn't know what the outcome would be before I began to deal with my guilt. Therefore, I can't say it's easy for someone who hasn't experienced the change. I can, however, say that if you will trust your own logic and your own common sense you will, at the end, find this effort to have been an easy and rewarding experience.

When I use the expression 'dealing with guilt' I really mean 'dealing' with guilt. I don't mean removing guilt. As with all human emotions and subconscious controls, it cannot be removed. It can and must be replaced with something better. That's how you learn to deal with it. You must replace it with something better, and push guilt farther into the background of your mind until it no longer exists. Or, a better statement might be that it no longer exists strongly enough to affect your feelings about yourself.

Now, what could replace an entrenched and comfortable feeling of guilt in one's subconscious? Perhaps the first step should be to acknowledge that it really exists. You must plug into it.

Have you ever tried to use an electrical tool or appliance that suddenly wouldn't function? What about the drill that wouldn't start when you squeezed the trigger? How about the light fixture in the living room that suddenly didn't come on when you turned the switch? Or, have you ever got frustrated because you couldn't get the can opener to work? Often, these electrical appliances don't recognize the electricity that makes them function because they aren't plugged into that electricity. Am I the only person who was ever embarrassed because I forgot to plug in the electrical attachment? I hope not.

To deal with that guilt, it must be recognized. If you are not plugged into it, if you don't recognize it, you can't deal with it.

How did I begin to replace my guilt with something more positive, after I understood those invisible guilt feelings were there? First, I began to convince myself that guilt was a natural human emotion. I also began to understand that guilt was not designed to be a bad thing. It's just like that electricity. If it's turned on and channeled correctly it serves a good purpose. If it's not channeled properly it becomes dangerous, and even kills. Does electricity develop naturally? Haven't you ever shocked yourself with your own static electricity? Did you know it was there before you shocked yourself? Ordinarily it happens when you aren't anticipating it.

Guilt is probably designed to serve a good purpose, and it usually does. Guilt is that internal force we measure ourselves by that keeps us from violating those personal rules we expect from each other as individuals. When we violate those rules, or when we think we do, we pay a penalty. That personal penalty is guilt. When we violate society's laws we pay a fine or we go to jail. In either case there's a penalty.

There's a difference, however, in the penalty we charge ourselves and the penalties society places upon someone who violates a law. Once the social penalty is paid, everyone involved knows when it's paid. Some of the penalties we charge ourselves in the form of guilt remain. We don't know when our personal penalty is paid and finished for something we do wrong, or something we perceive we do wrong. It's an indeterminate sentence, unless we choose to end it. Once we recognize that guilt exists, naturally, we can begin to deal with it.

I began my long fight against guilt by asking myself about the purpose for my existence. My questions were: was I placed here on Earth to be things, to do things, to create things, to have things or to change things? These are the questions the 'wise old hermit' in the cave at the mountain top is often asked: "What is life?" Even that wise old hermit never gives an understandable answer. I never found an understandable answer to those questions either.

However, on my way in search of that wisdom I stumbled over some answers that helped replace some of that guilt. I found that if I could see beyond the 'bad' things a person did that offended me, that I could find at least one good virtue in that person. I also found that I was actually offended much less than I merely anticipated being offended. By recording that virtue in my mind, some of the old invisible guilt was forced out. Guilt and kind feelings simply cannot coexist. I learned that the more kind feelings I could cram into my consciousness the more guilt was forced out from my subconscious. How do I know? I felt better about myself as a person.

This might be a strange concept for some people. It certainly was for me, for my natural human tendency was to defend myself, if not physically then at least within my mind. I thought I could punish a person who offended me by disliking that person more than that person could dislike me. That would really show him a thing or two.

I learned another thing during that process. I learned the more I disliked someone, the more I disliked myself. I consciously experimented with this idea. By understanding that concept, it was easy to learn the more I liked people and humanity in general, the more I liked myself. The more I liked myself, the more of that invisible guilt I forced from my subconscious. That guilt was replaced by understanding and acceptance of other people: including all their fears, frailties and defensive mechanisms - the person I was before.

From this experience, I believe that we, individually, are part of 'one body.' If any part of that one body is harmed, physically or emotionally, the whole body hurts. The person who administers the harm suffers as surely as the person who is harmed. One who cuts his finger to remove a disliked blemish, or a disliked quality, also hurts himself or herself. Perhaps the more concern we have for others, the less time and places we have to think about our weaknesses and guilt.

Finally, it helps to believe we were put here at this place and time for a purpose. We might never know that purpose, even if that purpose is being fulfilled at this very moment. Even with my years of understanding this concept, I'm still not sure I understand my purpose.

Now, at this moment, perhaps my purpose is being fulfilled by documenting this information that might help others who need help. Perhaps my purpose was to experience extreme ridicule, embarrassment and self degradation so I could understand it, master it and write about it. Quite honestly, I would rather have written about it without having to experience it. But, that wasn't my choice. I had to deal with what I had.

I don't know if that's really my purpose for being a stutterer, but I do understand it gives life more meaning to understand there is a purpose. We probably never really know our purpose for being. Our Creator doesn't tell us. Perhaps our purpose is to find a good purpose to make life have meaning and fulfillment.

To do that one must understand the power of invisible guilt. One must also learn how to deal with it if he or she wants to fulfill that purpose.

### Chapter 3

Anger

### The Backlashing Whip

My volcano within seethes and boils, ready to

Spew upon anyone who would dare question my

Rightness. But, no matter how hard I spew, my

Hot ash and lava fall mostly on my own head.

Things don't always go our way all the time. Sometimes things happen that shouldn't happen to us, sometimes someone says something to us that's unfair, and sometimes people say things about us that aren't true. Many things happen to us and around us that cause us to be angry and frustrated. They make us mad!

What makes us angry? How does it happen? Why does it happen? Who causes it? What's the result? These are some important questions, because if you don't understand the answers to these questions you can't find the real you, and you will be influenced more by others than by the goals from your own perspectives. Your focus will be aimed more at others than on your inner self. If you focus your actions and reactions negatively toward others, you can't find yourself.

What happens when you are angry at someone? Are you relaxed? Is your mind at peace? Are you sharing that little light to help someone else find success and happiness? Are you thinking about happiness yourself? The answer is probably 'no' to all these questions. You are probably thinking about how to get even with the person who made you angry: revenge - how sweet it is! But, we must keep it within social limits.

Before we get too far into this discussion on anger, we should first understand what anger is and how it happens. Anger is something that can be explained and understood. It's something that's natural, but if it gets too extreme it's no longer natural. It becomes a real problem. Many people suffer from this problem, and it controls their lives.

According to psychologists, anger is an emotion that accompanies frustration. Frustration is a defensive reaction caused when a person can't fill a need, or even a perceived need. These needs include more than a desire for physical things. Personal needs, and drives to fulfill them, are probably more often based on inner feeling, such as the urge to feel loved and to feel important. A workplace can be used for an example.

A typical workplace usually forms the arena to fulfill two recognized needs. These include the physical needs that are fulfilled through money; and, ego needs that are often fulfilled by job assignments, bonuses, awards and promotions. Many workers become angry when they are passed over for promotion or when they don't get a certain job. They usually become angry at the boss, and they also become angry at the person who took their place. The boss was 'unfair' and the person who got the award or promotion was a 'brown noser.'

The person who feels cheated usually becomes angry. The term is often 'hurt' or 'upset' instead of angry. Anger is merely the outward expression of that hurt. In either case, it's a defensive reaction caused by being blocked from fulfilling a need. The need might really be money to buy things for the worker's family to survive; or, the need might be nothing more than the increased recognition and ego status that accompany an award or promotion.

Anger is more often caused by ego related needs than physical needs. Don't more people say 'my feelings are hurt' than 'my stomach and body are hurt?' Feelings refer to the need to feel important. We all have that need, it's part of us. If we didn't care about our feelings of importance we might not be interested in being successful and happy.

A new school of thought has developed in the last few years regarding how to handle anger. Proponents of these new ideas suggest a person should go ahead, get angry, show that anger, and get it off their chests. Obviously, they have gained many followers of those ideas, for today we do have many angry people. Has that unbridled anger helped society and individual people, or has it caused more harm? I believe it's caused great harm. Instead of controlling their anger, their anger controls them through social misbehavior and aggression against other people and society.

That anger, I believe, causes much of the dysfunction in many families. Anger causes husbands and wives to scream at each other and learn to hate each other - often while their children watch in horror. Their children are instilled that anger and dysfunction are normal family traits, and often carry those horrors into the next generation. Those same parents often express their frustrations in the form of anger against their children. Their children express their frustration in the form of anger against other people. Today, it's not uncommon - in fact it's downright normal - for children to murder other children because they were angry and aggressive. They didn't learn how to handle their anger because their parents had not shown them how.

I believe those who encourage people to show their anger - to get it all out into the open - have contributed greatly to the growing intolerance in our country. Anger is not something to exhibit as the basis of pride. Blowing off steam is not the answer to anger; it's the result of not understanding anger and not being able to handle anger. Blowing off steam is not a cure; it's merely one of the reactions to anger.

Have you ever felt any better by 'blowing off steam' to someone when you became angry? Or, did you get angrier, prolong the angry event, and later feel guilty about not being able to control your temper? A person who wants to be happy and successful must understand anger and be able to manage it. But, how does one do that?

Anger is the emotion I know least about. I can remember having angry moments when I was young, but I can't recall any specific events. Recently I had a little reminder when I felt my face become 'flushed' when I didn't like something that was done or said. If the event wasn't important enough to remember, it probably wasn't important enough to really have caused me to become angry.

I learned early that anger caused more problems than it solved. I never saw anger solve any problems, or questions. I observed it usually causes more problems and more conflicts, especially for the person who gets angry. Although I can't recall a specific anger event, I can remember how I overcame my tendency to become angry.

I had to learn to like myself to overcome my stuttering problem. I also knew I had to be in control of myself and my emotions to learn to control my stuttering when I was having difficulty trying to talk. These two things helped me learn about anger. I learned that anger is based in the person who gets angry, not in the cause of that anger. I also learned that anger makes a person lose contact with reality and reason. I also observed that anger causes a person to be ugly. Who likes to be around an angry person?

During this learning process, I used the 'round peg' and 'square hole' idea as my guide. Do you remember seeing a visual and coordination toy parents give their children to learn the meaning and concept of shapes? It's the toy that has a board with cut-outs in shapes of circles, squares, rectangles and triangles; blocks that match those holes; and, a wooden hammer to drive the blocks through the matching cut-out holes. The matching block had to be placed in the right hole to be driven through. Otherwise, no matter how hard the child tried to drive the block through, it just wouldn't go. It didn't fit in the wrong hole. Perhaps this is the source of the term 'block-head,' where ideas just don't get through. The round peg - square hole was my visualization to understand frustration and anger.

I visualized that people are those blocks, looking for their matching holes so they can find where they fit comfortably in life. Until they find their matching place, they remain uncomfortable and frustrated. The hammer keeps striking them on their heads, but they can't get through. They can't be the complete persons they were placed here on earth to be. They are incomplete. Something or someone that's incomplete can't perform perfectly. Something must go wrong. Their imperfection causes anger to themselves and to other people.

They often become frustrated, intolerant and angry when they can't find peace within themselves. They can't find their right matching place. Decisions are often frustrating, making wrong decisions are more frustrating, and more often cause anger in the person who makes those decisions. That anger most often becomes projected at other people. When that happens, two people become angry; and the other person is at fault. The other person is always 'the other person.'

Do you suffer from anger? Do you get angry at things that aren't important? Are you often embarrassed because you 'lost your temper' in a place or a situation that made you feel foolish? Was the purpose for your anger revenge, to hurt someone else, to show how important you were, to show how hurt you were, or to put someone down - to put them in their place? Did you become angry because your feelings were hurt or because someone didn't do what they should have done? All these things are typical reasons for anger; for someone who gets angry. They are also good reasons for someone who doesn't understand the square peg and round hole. Their heads begin to hurt from all that desperate hammering.

Many people have never been taught courtesy and they don't understand courtesy. Many never will. They are uncouth and discourteous because that's just the way they are. They are square blocks, expected to fit into the round hole of courtesy. They just can't do it, until they reshape themselves. Most will never be able to do that until they have a reason they understand, and until they have a motive to have a reason. Would someone's anger become a motive for another person to become courteous? Not likely. Anger usually causes the recipient of that anger to counter with more anger, or at minimum a defensive attitude. How many people are killed in our country every day because someone becomes angry? Both parties to the anger lose in the process.

I'm not suggesting a discourteous person, an offending person or a failing person should not be corrected, disciplined or even offended. That should be done; however without a display of anger. If the purpose of anger is to correct a person or an event, most likely a better tool or a better emotion than anger could be used to fulfill that purpose. When anger is used to change the actions or attitudes of another person, the person exhibiting the anger could well be the cause of the perceived problem. Have you ever been angry at someone for something you had tolerated many times before? Was the other person at fault, or were you just not ready to handle it 'one more time?' Was there really a problem that justified anger, or did you just lose control of your emotions? Were you concerned more about yourself and your own feelings or were you prepared to be tolerant of other people, at that moment in time?

Did your anger result in correcting the problem; or did your anger, if expressed toward someone else, cause a more defensive argument, more justifications, and perhaps lost friends?

There are other ways to consider anger. So far, we have viewed anger only as it affects our relationships with other people, how other people perceive us and react to us when we display our anger especially toward them. Our display of anger is also a trait that other people judge us by to determine if they want to accept us as their friends.

It would be unusual, indeed, if someone preferred to have a person who is always angry to be their friend. Most people just prefer to have friendly people as their friends. An angry person doesn't look or act like a friendly person. Who wants to have friends who aren't friendly? I've never heard anyone say they had good 'unfriends' or 'angrys' who are so unfriendly and angry.

This anger is that which other people judge us by. It's the visible part that's seen to determine the label other people place upon us.

Another effect of anger is even more important. That's the way anger affects the way we think and feel about ourselves. Anger that we display to other people might affect the way they react or respond to us; however, the anger that we have within ourselves often hides positive emotions and feelings that we need to be happy and successful. We can choose to be happy, with a good personality, or we can choose to be angry and avoid that happiness and that personality. It's a choice many people overlook. It's a choice many people don't know exists. They are unhappy and angry; and it's not their fault. Someone else always causes their anger, unhappiness and failure.

Now that I understand anger, I know I could not have overcome my speech problem if I had been an angry person from within. Since I consider myself somewhat normal, I must admit I have been angry, occasionally, at someone or some event. After all, I am a parent and I live in the real world.

Some reactions are simply anger reactions and some reactions are humorous reactions. Some reactions are spontaneous and uncontrolled. That must be healthy and normal, because it's natural. However, lingering and prolonged anger is not natural. Prolonged anger and anger that can't be controlled causes serious problems to a person's happiness and success. A person who remains angry becomes more focused on excuses, rationalization and revenge than on happiness and success. The person's goal becomes negative rather than positive. A person's goals determine happiness and success. If those goals aren't positive, the person simply can't find happiness. A person finds what the person seeks.

With this information, you might be ready to ask, "Okay, I understand anger and the effects of anger, but how does this apply to me?" Since you are reading this book you probably are reading it for a purpose. That is, to improve your life in some way, perhaps to become more successful or to find a higher level of happiness. This question needs a closer and more personal approach.

The round peg in the square hole concept is more difficult to use internally. Ordinarily, we consider ourselves fitted to ourselves and our environment. We are the round pegs trying to fit into the round holes, but sometimes it just doesn't seem to work. Something changes the size or the character of the round hole. That something is frustration. Frustration is something that happens internally to cause anger. You must take a closer look at your personal needs and goals to understand why the round hole doesn't work, and often causes anger.

Frustration, the cause of anger, is easier to understand and control if you know how it works and how it affects you. For that explanation, let's briefly review the information that psychologists and motivationists give.

According to them, frustration ordinarily occurs when a person can't fill a need. And, there are many needs. Some are real, some are perceived and some exist without your knowledge. They exist within your subconscious. When something happens to prevent you from fulfilling these needs frustration is the natural result. According to psychologists and frustration itself can take many forms. These include aggression, withdrawal, substitution, projection, and rationalization as well as others. Either of these reactions may produce anger. That anger may be at yourself or at someone or something else. Nevertheless, either anger causes you to be an angry person.

Even when you are angry at yourself, it's not your fault. Something or someone else is to blame. I will use my speech problem as an example.

I have improved my speech fluency over the years, especially during the last few years. I still stutter occasionally but now I don't label myself a stutterer, although I know I am not totally free from the fear of it. The fear lingers in my mind but it's not something that controls my life like it once did. If I have the ability to reduce my stuttering and control it now, I must have had that same physical ability when I was younger. I'm sure my body had more physical abilities when I was younger than it does now. I've heard of body parts wearing out; I haven't heard of them getting better with age.

My point is that since I have the ability to improve my speech fluency now I must have had that ability when I was younger. If I had that ability when I was younger why didn't I do it? At this time, I understand, and I must confess that I was reacting normally to frustration. I needed to eliminate my stuttering, my goal was to eliminate my stuttering, but I didn't know that I could and I didn't know how to do it. I was often angry at myself because I felt I had been cursed, and I must have done something to cause it. I was also angry at myself because I couldn't control my speech. I felt there must have been a simple answer, but I just couldn't find it. I felt deficient.

Are these typical reactions to frustration? Of course, although I had no way to know that at the time I was suffering from those reactions. I felt I was cursed. Now I understand that reaction as the concepts described as projection and rationalization. Someone or something else did it to me and there must have been a rational reason for it. Consequently, 'there's nothing I can do about it.' I continued to suffer but something else, logically, was to blame.

What if I had said to myself, many years ago, "Okay, this is your problem. You can speak fluently when you are by yourself (and I could,) you can sing without stuttering (I could - but perhaps not as well as Frank Sinatra or Elvis Presley,) and, I could usually read in class without stuttering - if I didn't look at my reading part before it was my turn to read. I had to be careful to follow along while other students took their turns reading, without reading into the next paragraph when the teacher told the student who was reading, before my turn, to stop. If I knew what the first word to my reading part was, before I started, I couldn't get started and I couldn't continue fluently.

Those days were so stressful that I usually left school with a high pulse rate and my clothes soaked with perspiration. My heart was at home in my throat.

Stuttering was my problem and I didn't know how to deal with it. Instead of dealing with it, it was more convenient to imagine I was cursed, or had a physical problem. However, since I could speak fluently under certain conditions, I realized it wasn't a physical problem. I also knew there was no such thing as being cursed, other than being called bad names.

Now, I don't feel angry or even disappointed toward myself for my actions and decisions at that time. I was too young to know what was happening to me, and too inexperienced to know that difficult problems can usually be solved if the right information is known. I could have avoided many years of shame, fear, and heartache; but, that doesn't reduce my level of happiness at this time. I live in the present, not in the past. However, the past is a

good teacher, it's also a good guidepost.

I had internal anger about my stuttering problem. I learned to understand it and overcome it. As you read this book you are probably searching for understanding and answers to problems that restrict your happiness and success for yourself or someone else. Finding those answers might be somewhat difficult, but it's not impossible with just a little help. Remember that light that passes from person to person? It helps others to see themselves a little better. Let's consider some brief examples.

What are some typical things that cause people to get angry enough to affect their personalities and relationships? I believe anger toward others is only an outward extension of the anger that one has toward oneself. A happy person and one who feels content with his or her surroundings is certainly less likely to become angry at other people, even with all their built-in antagonisms and weaknesses. To search for these seats of anger, let's turn on the introspection mode. Look inside your feelings.

Remember when you were small and had your favorite toys? Do you remember how angry you became when another child would get your favorite toy. Adults would ordinarily intervene and teach you the concept of sharing, but that didn't keep you from getting angry when another child you didn't like took that same toy. It just wasn't fair because that was your toy and you wanted it. That toy represented only so much happiness and contentment and you wanted it. Didn't that frustration cause you to become somewhat aggressive? That aggression might have been in the form of crying or screaming.

That same concept applies to adult situations. We don't get angry when another person gets another toy, such as a shiny red car, a new bass fishing boat or a cellular telephone that will call any number in the world. That's theirs, and it's their right to have those things. However, what about things that happen at the workplace? Aren't there some things in the workplace that are yours that are often given to other people? If you work in an office don't you deserve the nicest and most comfortable chair, because you work harder than everybody else? Shouldn't that promotion be yours because you earned it more than someone else? Shouldn't you get the first choice of work shift schedules because you have a special need? Shouldn't you have the desk by the window because you need to feel in touch with the world?

If you are a student don't you become angry because you are treated unfairly, and nobody cares about your feelings and needs? Isn't it unfair that teachers give a pop quiz without telling you to study for it the day before? Isn't it unfair that teachers give homework just to occupy your time so you can't do other things that are more fun? Isn't it unfair that you have to study things in school that you will never use in real life? Isn't it also unfair, and doesn't it make you angry as a teenager, that adults show no respect for you and your feelings as a person?

These things are frustrating because you want to be respected as a regular human being. Belonging and respect are two of the most powerful drives and needs of people. You aren't respected as a regular human being and you know it. You are accepted and treated only as a student or a teenager.

Some people, at any age and at any position in life, are angry at themselves for the way they look. Or, they might be angry at themselves for another characteristic they dislike. Are you too short - does that make you angry because you were cheated? Is your face unattractive - do you not like the way you look? Are you too obese - do you dislike yourself for not being the person you want to be? Whose fault is it - it certainly is not your fault. Are you a teenager born into a poor family in the inner city? Are you angry because you were not born into a middle class family that would have given you more things, more opportunities and more status in life? Anything or any feeling can cause a person to be angry at himself or herself. Often that anger turns to antisocial behavior. When that happens that anger is no longer a personal problem, it becomes a social problem.

Aren't we, today, plagued with social problems? I believe most of our social problems are caused by anger that people haven't learned to recognize and deal with, within themselves. We certainly don't have an angry world, it's just there as the victim of so many people's anger.

At this time, however, we aren't considering anger as a problem of society, although that problem must be considered if we ever anticipate having a good caring society. The anger we are analyzing, now, is that which affects an individual life; yours or someone else you know. Perhaps if each individual will learn to understand and control his or her anger, social anger will decrease and we will have less social disharmony.

Is anger bad? Should you feel guilty because you occasionally get angry? Are you a bad person because you can't control your anger? Not necessarily; it depends upon how much that anger controls your life to affect your happiness and success, and the happiness and success of others. If you don't understand anger, and if you let anger become a habit in your life, it will develop into a trait that will rule your personality.

A person who's angry within can't hide that anger. That person becomes known as an angry person. People simply can't be sincere around an angry person, because they must be careful about what they say and how they say it. They don't want to cause the angry person to go into another 'angry frenzy.' Angry people too often forget that other people, even their friends, become subjects and objects of their outward rage and rants.

It's okay and even socially acceptable to become angry over actions and events that would cause a normal person to express that outward frustration of anger. In those events, you should also have enough understanding about anger to be prepared to apologize to someone who becomes the subject of your hostility. Ordinarily, anger is created by the person who gets angry, not by the other person who is blamed for causing the anger.

The angry person is a person controlled by anger. It's simply impossible for a controlled person ever to find success and happiness.

### Chapter 4

Fear

### The Dragon in Hiding

The harder I try to hide from fear,

The less I see myself so clear.

Have you ever asked why someone didn't do something to correct an injustice? Have you ever felt you should do something to correct a situation, or to make a situation fair and right, but you just couldn't force yourself to do it? Have you ever been afraid to do what's right because you feared what might happen if you took the first step? If you said yes to these questions then welcome to humanity. These are the normal and natural feelings of most people.

When I failed to do those things I knew I should have done, to correct those injustices, I always rationalized that it really didn't matter anyway, that nobody would really care. If nobody else cares, why should I? Isn't this the typical question and response to most unjust, unfair or improper situations?

I don't think we can really be in control of our own lives and our happiness until we can look fear right in the eye, and spit in it. We must let fear know that it will not rule us. It will not make us be less than we can be. We must like ourselves for what we do, not for what we know we should have done. We can find happiness only when we like ourselves.

Recently, I experienced an event that made me recall all the fears in my life as a stutterer, and as a human being. It happened while I was a member on the board of directors of a highly visible organization in the community. It was an organization that had daily contact with the public.

Before I was elected as a director I knew of a serious violation of the bylaws by the present board of directors. The violation was that some members of the board of directors were remaining on the board for longer periods of time than was allowed by the bylaws, without being nominated and re-elected. The board simply allowed them to remain directors, without having the authority, according to the bylaws, to do so. It just happened. As a member of that organization I was concerned about that improper activity, but it really didn't bother me. I felt if none of the other members cared, why should I?

I was a volunteer in the organization for over a year, averaging two or three hours daily helping with writing, training and publicity. I had the impression and the feeling that most of the directors resented my time and efforts to help the organization. When I was elected as a director on the board, that feeling grew stronger. A long-time board member even told me, directly, that I didn't belong on the board. He had been on the board over seven years, himself, without being re-elected. The election term was for three years.

In retrospect, I believe those members of the board didn't want to accept me because I was an 'outsider' and I was not employed by one of the major corporations in the area that they had to respect. I wasn't part of them because I had not lived in 'their' area for a long time. Although it was my home state, I had been gone for many years while I was in the Air Force. I believe, now, that it was an insult to them for an outsider to have equal status. I merely considered that position an opportunity to continue my volunteer work in the community.

Nevertheless as a board member I felt a deeper obligation to correct that violation of some board members remaining on the board longer than the term allowed by those bylaws. I knew any attempt to correct the situation would cause severe problems, because many of the board members were long-time friends and some were powerful and influential figures in the community. And, from a practical viewpoint why did it really matter? Who would really care? Had I not been a director, I would not have cared.

Since I was a director, however, my assigned purpose was to care and to do the best job I could as a director. That meant I should respect the bylaws that guided my actions. I had only two choices. One was to ignore the violation, and join the ranks of people who lack the courage to correct injustices. Or, try to correct the violation. I couldn't find a middle ground or an easy way out. I had to ask myself a serious question. That was, "Do I have the courage to do what's right?" I knew that if I lacked the courage to do what's right that I would probably feel guilty. I didn't want my life to suffer from the negative consequences of guilt. I had overcome my speech problem largely by understanding that guilt. I didn't want to see it return to control my life. I didn't have a choice.

Initially, my attempts to correct the violations of the bylaws were discounted and ignored. The board decided that the members in violation would remain until the end of the current year. The board also decided there was no violation of the bylaws, although their actions did not comply with the bylaws. They agreed among themselves that the act of members remaining longer than their authorized terms was 'traditional' and that tradition had a higher precedence than written bylaws. One director even responded that since there were only three directors in violation, the board was not in violation. Have you ever been faced with this type of logic when trying to deal with a problem?

I continued trying to get the board to comply with our bylaws. Finally, almost a year later when annual elections were due, the board decided to ask the members to change the bylaws to make their actions legal. They presented new wording of the bylaws to the members, but they didn't explain what the new wording meant. I was the only member of that board of directors trying to limit the power of that board. All others were trying to increase the discretionary power of the board, or they didn't know what they were doing.

The only options I had then were to give up or to get different directors elected to the board by using proxies. I began a proxy campaign. The day before we were scheduled to elect new directors, the board cancelled the scheduled election. They knew I had enough proxy votes to elect directors who would support our bylaws. The vote was also blocked because the chairman violated another requirement of the bylaws. He refused to comply with Robert's Rules of Order, which is a requirement in the bylaws.

Some time later, six to eight weeks, we had our election for new directors and for changes in the bylaws. The ballots, including enough proxy votes to elect directors favorable to our bylaws, were placed into the ballot box during the election meeting. The ballot box was kept by judges, appointed by the president, for two weeks before the results were announced. Can you guess what happened? The bylaws were changed to comply with their violations, and none on our slate of directors was elected. The result is that directors who were limited to three year terms may now stay on the board as long as seven years, and under some conditions, indefinitely.

The purpose of this story is not the significance of the story itself. It probably doesn't matter who's on the board of directors of a non-profit organization, as long as the organization can continue to exist and serve its intended purpose. The unfairness is that some directors get free advertising and exposure in the community for a long time merely

by their positions. However, if all other members of the organization accept that unfairness, then it probably doesn't matter.

Fear, and how it affects a person, is the object of this story. During these events, I experienced the feelings of fear several times that caused me to remember the way it had controlled me earlier in my life. I was surprised when I felt fear during this situation. It was a positive experience, however, because feeling the power of that fear, while also knowing I could control it, helped me understand the pressures of fear upon other people. It helps especially to understand children and the fears that cause them to do things that don't appear rational to adults.

The fear of that situation began at a low level. I was uneasy, at first, because I didn't know if the other board members would acknowledge that our bylaws were being violated and would attempt to comply, or if they would defend their actions. I believed that since they were logical and mature adults, as we are all logical adults, that they would be guided by their adult awareness to do the 'right' thing, regardless of their belief that I should not be member on their board. I had served in the Air Force for over twenty years and that's the way I had been trained, and the way I believed; to do the right thing regardless of personalities.

Was I surprised! Doing the right thing was never a consideration. The attitude and actions by the board made me believe their only goal was to protect their turf at all costs. And they did that well.

During many of our discussions I was reminded of my childhood years. I was bombarded with comments such as: "You don't belong on this board. You aren't in the Air Force, now. We do things differently in the real world. Who do you think you are? You are just trying to tear the organization apart. You are nothing but a liar, liar, liar! When the majority votes one way, you don't have the right to express a different opinion. The majority always rules. You are nothing but a controversial trouble-maker." I was even threatened with a lawsuit for financial liability if the non-profit organization lost money as a result of my actions.

These are actual comments those adults, from ages thirty to sixty-five, said to me. Some of those adults were older than me. They had as many wrinkles and lines on their faces as I do, so I know they weren't teenagers. I could easily recall many other similar comments that were said to me during my inquisitions, but these are probably enough to demonstrate their attitudes toward my asking them to do the right thing - to comply with our bylaws.

These were adults? While I listened to their descriptions and opinions of my ignorance, my lack of understanding, my lack of concern for the organization and my lack of honesty, my thoughts found themselves wandering back to events that I remember when I was a child. Perhaps you can recall some of these comments you heard, or that were said to you:

"If you don't do what I want you to do, I'll tell

your father something you did that was bad."

"If you don't do what we want you to do, we won't

play with you anymore."

"Everybody else is doing it, why do you think you

are too special to try it?"

"Are you too stupid to understand? Everybody knows

it's okay to do it."

"If you don't agree with us we are not going to

talk to you or play with you."

When you were a child don't you remember these pressures being used to create fear in other children, to force those children to do something or not do something? Often that fear worked. Many times, as children, we were forced to do things we really didn't want to do because we were afraid of the unknown consequences if we didn't comply.

During these discussions I remembered how fear was used to control children. I remembered how fear can cause a person to do things that person wouldn't ordinarily choose to do. I remembered fear can keep a person from being the person that person wants to be.

Hopefully during those discussions and inquisitions I kept a proper and calm demeanor. While I listened to those comments and admonitions, I tried to pretend they had no effect on my resolve to do what I thought was right. However, those comments and threats did return the feelings of those old fears that lived within me for many years.

I felt my heart race faster and pound harder against my chest. Occasionally, my heart even visited briefly in my throat. Perspiration lined my face but, fortunately, none dripped from my nose. That would have been a dead give-away that my body was reacting as they hoped it would. Yes, I did feel the pressure and it brought back my old side-kick, fear. I experienced the feelings I thought I had abandoned long ago. This time it was different, however. Although I experienced it, I was able to control it because I understood it. When it helped create me to become a stutterer, I didn't understand it.

As I experienced that fear, I tried to understand how other people felt when they were threatened. I recall several impressions as I tried to place myself in different positions of other people who might be more strongly influenced by that fear. I observed that fear must be based on people's needs. And, according to Abraham Maslow, a behaviorist, there are five of these fundamental needs.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Theory explains that people need certain things. Normally their motivation is driven by their action to fulfill their needs. Maslow explained that the basic need is the physiological need to maintain one's body - to stay alive. That basic need would include food and water. After our tummys are full and we've quenched our thirst, Maslow suggests the next higher order need is to feel safe.

In Medieval days, people built walls and moats to increase their level of safety. Today, we have locks and even deadbolts on our doors. More people are even driving their cars with their car doors locked. We must feel safe. Perhaps we wouldn't be as concerned about locking our doors if we were starving. This idea is based on that hierarchal order of needs.

The next important need on Maslow's scale is the feeling of belonging. Once our tummys are full and we feel safe, we are driven to do something. We can't just hang around, doing nothing, by ourselves. That means we must be with other people. And, we need at least some of those people to like us, to accept us and even to love us. Loneliness is a horrible punishment for some people.

Once we feel normal, like we belong somewhere as part of a group or even as part of humanity, we deserve some respect. Maslow lists the urge to feel important as the next level on the hierarchy ladder. William James reinforces that idea with his comment, "The deepest principle of Human Nature is the craving to be appreciated."

Finally, according to Maslow, the desire for self-fulfillment is the highest order need. This can be achieved only when a person is not under strong influence by any of the other lower order needs. Of course, a person can feel most of these needs, simultaneously. The lowest order need does not cause a person not to crave a higher order need. Ordinarily, however, the lower order need that's unfulfilled will be the one most likely to influence a person's actions. So, how does this theory affect real people? Let's look at some examples.

I believe a child's worst fear is rejection. Of course, that considers only children in those cultures where food and water are always available for them, such as those in Western countries. In some third world countries, many children's greatest fear is to be without food. Some children, who are abandoned and homeless in third world countries, often risk their lives to get food. Most children in modern countries don't have to feel a great need for food, or risk their lives for that food, for they anticipate it will be there. A fulfilled need is not a motivating force.

Our children who have families that provide for their physiological and safety needs are influenced by the need to belong and to be loved. Many are reared in families that ignore those needs of their children. Perhaps this affects their happiness and success.

Perhaps your happiness and success hasn't been fully achieved because you still carry that unfulfilled need with you. That hidden feeling of that fear of not being accepted and loved as a child might not have released you to accept yourself as you really are. Do you worry too much about pleasing others so they will accept you? Could you have been influenced by this feeling when you were a child?

That fear of rejection influenced my life for many years, and I realize that I've still not escaped completely from its grasp. My fear of rejection was not based on my family life; it was based on my feelings and relationships outside my family. Since I knew I could not be accepted as a regular person who could talk and communicate like everyone else, I usually made a special effort to please other people. In retrospect, I felt if they wouldn't like me and accept me for who I really was, I would be more acceptable to them if I did things I thought they would like.

I was also withdrawn as I became older because I didn't want to embarrass anyone to further alienate them. I felt that if I didn't do or say anything that would make anyone angry or embarrassed I could still belong as part of a group. Although I mingled with others, I was, nevertheless, withdrawn and isolated within myself. I was afraid to isolate myself, and I was afraid to participate. I knew I couldn't live in total isolation, but I was afraid that would eventually happen.

Do ordinary people crave to feel important, as Maslow suggests in his theory? I agree with Maslow. I believe he was right on target. The average person wants to be recognized for something special. I also believe people were not intended to be average people. I believe we were designed to be important. Consequently, that drive and that desire must exist and we must fulfill that desire to be happy people.

While I was a severe stutterer, I had the opportunity to do lots of listening. I certainly wasn't going to risk talking unless I was forced to. While watching other people interact as they talked to each other, I learned that all conversations have certain tones and characteristics. Although different people speak, and different words are spoken, the purpose for conversation is identified by its specific characteristics. The purpose for conversation is not always identified from the words spoken.

For example, the fisherman who tells about catching the biggest fish is not concerned about the fish. That person is relating the importance and prestige of the person who caught the biggest fish. If anybody bothered to ask the fish, the fish might have a different opinion. Have you ever seen two or three people talking at the same time? Are they trying to communicate, or are they trying to express their ideas that are more important than the ideas of others who are speaking. I was reminded of this when I read a quote, recently, that said "Why don't you stop talking while I'm interrupting." Why do most sentences begin with "I?" It relates to importance.

The person with a bumper sticker that reads, 'Proud parent of an honor student at First High School,' is expressing importance. Those bumper stickers never indicate the name of the child; or have I missed something? I haven't seen a bumper sticker that says, 'Proud parent of my kid who's as dumb as his parent.'

People need to feel important, and they must feel important. It's the only way they can ever reach their highest potential of happiness. A person who doesn't have the need to feel important is not likely to make a contribution to society, or to himself or herself.

Maslow's highest order need is the need for self-actualization, also identified as self-fulfillment. This means the person has basically fulfilled the four lower needs and seeks to do something that will be personally rewarding and satisfying. When a person begins a creative hobby, or becomes involved to make society better simply for the sake of doing it and not for pay or status is an example of self-actualization.

I have also experienced, as Maslow explains, that fulfilling these needs is not a permanent fulfillment. They might be satisfied at one time and return within a short time. For example, if you have eaten and have food available, your primary drive is not necessarily to get more food. Your primary drive, then, might be to lock your doors so no one will steal your food or other belongings. Once you have fulfilled the need to feel important that feeling might not last. It might rekindle itself if something happens that makes you question your importance and status. Normally, most of these needs are at work at different levels of influence at the same time.

So, how do these needs influence or cause fear? Simply, a normal person carries fear at all times. Aren't you afraid something will happen in your life that you can't control? If you are homo sapiens, a person, you are influenced by fear. If you aren't a person, don't worry, you have nothing to fear - you shouldn't even be reading this book.

Everyone fears the inability to reach their most influencing need. For some people who don't have jobs, they fear the inability to get a job that will pay them enough money to buy things they need. That fear restricts themselves from seriously seeking and preparing for a job. Some people who have jobs fear the consequences of losing their jobs. They fear that possible loss of security. Some people fear they will be embarrassed. They fear that loss of importance and esteem. Some people fear people will not like them. They fear they will not belong and will be rejected. Everyone fears something that controls their lives, at least to some degree.

I believe the level of that fear and the person's inner strength and understanding to resist it determine the person's motivation, personality and potential for personal happiness. Can a person who's afraid be happy? It's unlikely.

Can a shy person be a happy person? I think not. The word shy is nothing more than a polite way of saying a person is 'afraid to come out of his or her shell to expose a weakness.' How do I know this? I was a shy person most of my life, according to other people. I knew I was simply afraid to show who I was. I was afraid, I was fearful; fear controlled my decisions and my actions.

I believe the word 'shy' should be removed from dictionaries and other reference material. Shy is a good place to hide. Fear must be faced. If it's openly faced, it can be conquered.

Throughout my life as a stutterer I feared many things. I was afraid I would never be able to find a job to buy things that other people have and need. That includes food, a home, clothes, an automobile and other basic essentials. I was afraid I would go through life without friends or a family to share love and comfort. Who wants to be around someone who embarrasses them when he tries to talk? I was afraid I would never belong, to be accepted by society. I was afraid I would be considered unintelligent, that I would go through life as an unimportant, inconsequential and ignored person. I was afraid I would never be happy. I was afraid my life would never be fulfilled.

Each day I learn to understand and control fear more. The more I learn to control that fear, the happier and more confident I become. The more confident I become the more I find myself, and the more I understand that fear has no right to exist in my life.

Fear causes us to question things we know we should do, and rationalize reasons why we shouldn't do what we know we should do. I began to really understand my fears several years ago in a poem I wrote, titled ´Captives.' I will share it with you here.

Captives

In the light of the darkness from within, I seek

To answer those things that restrain myself from

Reaching those stars that blind my gaze. I am here,

I exist, I belong. But, I don't understand the

Purpose for my being, as I am, in this place and time.

Is it that I'm but a grain of sand unseen upon the beach,

But that which the beach could not exist if I were not there?

Am I but a tree in the endless forest, unknown,

Except for the empty space if I were not there?

Do I exist for a purpose, or is my existence to fill a purposeful void?

It is despair that these answers escape from my mind,

Before the full light is there. I see only flashes and shadows

That create deeper questions that I am drawn to approach.

My answer transfigures into questions,

The greatest being should I question more.

I seek, I search, to escape this question which binds me.

In vain attempt to search, or not to search,

To question or not to question,

I find that I am a captive on a floundering sea.

The waves rise and fall in uneven array

That cannot be tested or measured, only lived.

In this sea of life, as I open my eyes,

I am awakened that my only captor and master is me.

Fear caused me to question my existence and my right to be free to search for success and happiness. I now understand that fear. I know it's part of being a person. It's part of living. I have also learned that most people have strength to overcome that excess fear. Excess fear is that fear that restricts us, not that part which protects us.

I'm still striving to control more of my natural fear. As I continue to decrease my fear, I eliminate more of my fear of stuttering. The more I eliminate that fear, the less I stutter. Now, I seldom think about it - and it seldom happens.

If you are not as happy as you know you should be or could be, fear could be the reason for that failure. There is something that worries you more than anything else. That's the basis for your greatest fear. Determine the fundamental need that's described above that causes you to worry - to fear - and approach it head on, one step at a time. If you look your fear right in the eye, you will see answers to overcome it. You have as much strength to overcome fear as you do fear itself. Let your natural strength have a chance to erase that fear. Don't allow your fear to be your own captor and master.

### Chapter 5

Attitude

My attitude is very positive, I think; well,

Maybe I'm positive but I'm not so sure

To those who know you, you are the person they see and hear. That might not be the person you think you are. The person other people see when they look at you might not be the person you see when you look in a mirror. Do you see what you want to see in yourself, and not necessarily what's really there?

That projection or that impression other people see in us is often described as attitude. Attitude describes who we are, how we think and how we feel about ourselves and other people and things around us. An attitude can be changed, but to make a change one must first understand how attitudes work to influence people's lives. Many of us don't know ourselves, we don't know our attitudes, and that often causes us to be unhappy and frustrated.

Ordinarily, we identify attitudes simply as positive or negative. We label a person who's bright, cheery and happy as being a person with a positive attitude. We label a person who's grouchy, defensive and irritable as being a person with a negative attitude. I enjoy being around people who show their positive attitudes. I can't wait to leave the company of those who try to depress me with all their complaints, excuses and reasons why things aren't good and why things don't work right. I wrestled with those conditions that encourage a negative attitude long enough to know every move they make. I'm also learning more, every day, how to overcome them to find my own attitude and my own level of happiness.

It's easy to describe a positive person as having a positive attitude, and a negative person as having a negative attitude. That's the way things appear. But, these descriptions aren't completely accurate. They don't tell the whole story about a person's real attitude. A person might present a positive attitude, but that person's gut instincts might be negative. A person might appear negative, but that negative front might be nothing more than a facade for modesty and shyness. Emotions and personalities often camouflage one's real attitude. I can identify these differences by the events that ruled me over my lifetime. I had the time and patience to observe them within myself and through other people's actions. One who doesn't talk much has time and patience to observe the actions and reactions of others.

During most of my lifetime as a stutterer I evolved in and out of several attitudes. I'm no stranger to any attitude. I'm not sure which attitude was my dominant attitude at any given time, and I'm not sure when changes occurred. As I stated earlier, we can't see our attitudes as others see us. We don't know who we really are. We can't see ourselves because we are hidden behind our eyes. We must rely on the responses of others to tell us who we are. And, responses from others can't be relied upon because others don't know who they are or how they should respond. These complications mean that we live, fundamentally, with three separate attitudes.

The first attitude is the one that controls what we think and do. This attitude is internal, and it's the one we believe controls our decisions and relationships. It's the way we see ourselves through the inner eye that has no real visibility of ourselves. Our feelings about ourselves are based on these attitudes.

The winner of the great battles between this inner attitude and one's emotions and feelings usually becomes the pilot of one's life. That pilot can focus a person toward the heights of success and happiness, or on the depths of failure and despair. The inner positive attitude must win many battles to succeed. To succeed and to be happy, you must know how to recognize those enemies, and how to overcome them.

For most of my life, emotions and feelings have influenced many of my decisions. Even as a severe stutterer I felt I had a positive attitude but I wasn't sure. I didn't know if I had a positive attitude that was suppressed by negative emotions and feelings about myself, or if I really didn't have an attitude positive enough to overcome my speech handicap. I believed I had a positive attitude, but I couldn't find a way to let that positive attitude express who I really was. My strong feelings and emotions about my inferiority, represented by my speech handicap, wouldn't let my positive attitude show itself. It remained my secret - and I didn't know if it were a secret or only my desperate wish. My dilemma was the question, 'If I have a positive attitude, and if I can speak without stuttering sometimes, why can't I use my positive attitude to overcome my stuttering problem?' This was a serious question for me, and it continued to challenge my positive inner attitude. I knew the concept seemed so simple, yet I couldn't make it work.

Now that I've gone through that long process I learned that it is simple, and it does work. Anyone can learn to use a positive attitude to find success and happiness - or to find failure and despair. I believe success and happiness are nature's natural order and design. I also believe failure and despair can be the results of choosing not to be successful and happy. Perhaps, also, much failure and despair are created by the habit of failure and despair, even by a person who has a positive attitude. In retrospect, I believe this was the basis for my long-term stuttering problem. Although I had a positive attitude, or so I thought, perhaps my speech handicap was a 'habit.' While I was a stutterer, however, I would never have accepted that idea. To me, it was a real handicap.

To be fair to myself, and to other stutterers, even if I had recognized it as a habit I had no way to know how to overcome the habit. No matter how or why it existed, it was a frustrating problem that, at that time, had no simple solution. This example of my dilemma can easily be used to compare situations of others in our society, today, who see real reasons for their failure and despair. Most people who aren't successful have reasons why they aren't successful. Let's consider a few of the common reasons people use for their failures.

Many Black people, African-Americans, can prove prejudice and discrimination have kept them from being successful. They know it and they believe it. That's the attitude within themselves and it affects their thoughts about themselves. If that's not true, why then do many keep changing their names for themselves? Is it to escape from themselves or who they think they are? First, they called themselves Negros. Then they called themselves Black and included the theme that 'Black is beautiful.' Now, any unsuspecting person who refers to Blacks or Negros is labeled a racist. That person must refer to them now as African-Americans. If the reference or the label is not proper, America is still racist, prejudiced and bigoted and that keeps them \- Negros, Blacks, African-Americans or whatever the name will be next year - from being successful and happy. Actually, we are all Americans with different shades of tan to black. A truly 'white' person wouldn't need a mask for Halloween.

Is their environment their problem or is it their attitude about themselves? What does Africa have to do with these Americans? I don't know any white people who call themselves Lichtenstein, Afghanistan or European Americans.

I realize that my observation toward Blacks, oops - African-Americans, might seem harsh but that's the same observation I have about myself and my stuttering problem. I had the choice of using my speech problem as a reason to avoid the risk of trying to be successful. I could have said to myself, 'I'm a stutterer, so no one will be fair to me and give me a chance to prove myself. I don't have a chance to be successful. Yes, I did say to avoid the risk of trying to be successful. That's the key word - risk. That word risk gives us the opportunity and the right to blame someone or something else for our failure. Success usually requires risk and effort. Failure only requires excuses. Excuses are the easy way out. And, excuses are always as close as the tip of our noses, no matter what color our noses are.

For many years, my attitude toward myself as a stutterer kept me from doing many things I know now I could have done and should have done. It was easier to say to myself, 'It will be too hard. It will be too embarrassing. They don't want to be around a person who can't talk. Who wants to hire a stutterer?' So, I didn't do many things I should have done because I didn't want to take the risk of something that was uncertain. I didn't want to risk rejection.

The risk of rejection because I was a stutterer lived within my inner attitude. It influenced my decisions even though I knew it shouldn't influence my decisions. That same risk shouldn't influence Black people to avoid the effort to be successful. There are many successful Black people who didn't let history or the risk of rejection stand in their way - and their right - to try to be successful. They just did it, the same way people of any color become successful. They prepared themselves, and they charged forward. Nothing but failure can happen if a person stands still, frozen in time, trying to change the past.

Many people from broken homes proclaim their broken home caused all their problems. Their broken home caused them not to study to become successful students. Their broken home caused them to be inconsiderate and discourteous to other people. Their broken home caused them to be cynical and fearful of society. Their broken home caused them to avoid good work habits. Their broken home caused them to 'never have a chance in life.'

Although broken homes don't create the best conditions for success, neither do they determine or limit success. A person who lives in a broken home still 'lives.' That person is alive, and normally possesses the same mental abilities as any other person.

Our society supports and encourages failure by patronizing and making excuses for people who choose not to try to be successful. Society gives them excuses and rational reasons for failure by assigning labels to them. Disenfranchised, dysfunctional, at risk and deprived are some of the most popular labels and terms used for those people who allow their inner attitudes to determine their decisions and actions.

While it's true that a person from a broken home is often handicapped by the absence of a supportive family environment, that person is still the only one who controls his or her inner attitude. No one else can change it or use it. It's inner, it's personal and it's private. Others might throw rocks at it, they might pour water on it, they might punch it in the nose, and occasionally, they might spit on it. But, the person who has it is the only one who can hold it, change it and feel it.

The person who has it can choose to love it and cherish it or to despise it and ignore it. Not only is that choice a conscious decision, it's also a decision that's controlled by conscience. It affects not only the person who has it; it also influences the reactions of our society.

Our social justice system fails to recognize the power and the ultimate decision-making responsibility of the internal - inner - attitude. In our modern society, where every criminal act must have social and mitigating causes attached to it, most criminals are no longer punished for what they do. It's become socially and judicially correct to punish criminals only for what society caused them to do. Our criminal justice system, to some degree, encourages antisocial and criminal behavior, for it doesn't promote the idea that a person's inner attitude understands right from wrong, and is capable of guiding a person's actions according to that attitude.

Simply, a person who does something wrong or unlawful understands that action, but feels justified in doing it. That justification is reinforced by our 'understanding' society that says, "He really didn't mean to do it. He merely reacted to pressures created by society."

To remove feelings of guilt from itself, our frustrated society plays along with the idea that something in society must have caused the person to commit a criminal or antisocial act. We give criminals their excuses and remove their responsibility. As a result, crime continues to be a daily growing problem. It's out of control.

The inner attitude also guides and controls one's opinion of himself or herself. The result of this inner control is often identified as self esteem. Self esteem becomes the result of understanding one's inner attitude. To have high self esteem, a person must first know that the inner attitude has authorized it. Again, I will use the understanding of my problem as an example to explain this relationship.

Anyone who looked at me while I experienced a horrible speech block would ordinarily have thought that I had low self esteem. How can a person who's struggling, gasping, panting and making antisocial facial contortions, just to say a single syllable, have self esteem? Thousands of times in my life, just a single syllable - not even a whole word - caused me thousands of hours of frustration, despair and shame. Even more frustrating was the fact that I could suddenly become blocked on any word. There was no prior warning on which word would cause a problem at any time.

Even as a stutterer, I have that thought when I see another stutterer trapped in a speech block. It's a logical and practical assumption that one who shows such unusual and unacceptable behavior in society couldn't possibly have pride and self esteem. However, I also understand why most stutterers, including myself, have high self esteem. Stutterers learn early, that they must like who they are, because they are withdrawn within themselves most of the time. This constant introspection and quietness gives them time to understand that even with their stuttering problem they are still responsible for making life better for someone else.

This idea strengthens their character and reinforces their reason for being who they are. Just knowing they can have these charitable thoughts while surviving under demeaning conditions gives them a reason to like themselves. This is the basis for a stutterer's high self esteem. I know it's the basis for my high self esteem. I never allowed myself to dislike anyone, even a person who ridiculed me severely for stuttering. I felt that made me a special person. I felt I deserved and earned my self esteem.

Most people who stutter also know that stutterers usually have at least average intelligence. This fact is historically and scientifically documented. This fact also helps stutterers understand that their stuttering is not caused by an intelligence or mental problem. This gives stutterers a little pillar of pride upon which to base their self esteem, and to overcome what would otherwise be despair.

Now, how does this information help those who want to improve their lives, their feelings about themselves and their success? How does a person influence or adjust his or her inner attitude? My experiences have taught me that three things are important.

Probably the most important thing to understand and improve one's inner attitude is for the person to merely stop and take time to think; to be introspective. In our hustle-bustle world we rush to do things, to make things happen or to watch too much television. There seems to be no middle ground for most people. They either watch too much television, or they feel they aren't productive unless they are working. Others drive themselves in hobbies or sporting events. A person must take time to think about his or her attitude and how that attitude fits into the world. It's not something that can be done during a television commercial break, while one is winding down on the way home from work or while waiting for the next turn at bat. It must be done during a special quiet time.

Some people call this special quiet time of introspection meditating. It can be called meditating, thinking, concentrating, figuring out or ciphering. The name of this process is unimportant. The process, itself, is important and necessary to understand one's inner attitude. One cannot create a positive inner attitude if that person doesn't understand the influence and actions of his or her inner attitude.

Two questions, or ideas, are particularly important for one to ask during this self-analysis. The first question is, "What kind of person do I want to be?" The second fundamental question is, "Am I being the way I really want to be, or am I merely reacting to social pressures upon me that force me to be someone I would really prefer not to be?" Social pressure and peer pressure force many people to be people they would really prefer not to be.

Another fundamental question is, "Do I worry too much?" Follow-up questions are: "Why do I worry that much? Will my worrying make life better? Has worry ever made me happy?" These questions apply to adults as much as they do to teenagers.

These are personal and private questions. Each person must answer them for himself or herself. Before a person can answer these questions, though, the person must take time to ask the questions. Most likely, an unhappy person or a frustrated person has never asked himself or herself these questions.

Secondly, to train his or her inner attitude to be a happiness guide one must adopt the concept and real meaning of charity. A person whose heart is filled with charity has no room in that heart for things that limit happiness. Those other things include despair, greed, fear, deceit, jealousy and revenge. Unhappy people are unhappy because they allow these things to exist in their hearts. They often try to resist these things, but they don't flush them out. It's easier to flush them out than to try to resist these natural human feelings. Let's look at a personal example of this concept.

Pretend that your heart is a gallon bucket. It's filled with old oil that's existed since the days of Adam and Eve. It just sets there emitting gases and vapors that irritate your eyes, your liver, your stomach, your ulcer and even your personality. Your mother, your father and even your pastor or other church leader has told you that you must do something about that bucket of old oil. They advise that if you don't eliminate or control that oil it will eventually consume you in a flash fire that might never be extinguished. But, how do you empty that old oil from your heart? You tried standing on your head, but that didn't work. You only got a sore head and a crick in your neck. You talked to counselors, but they advised you only to purify the oil and try to control its affects. You went to confession, but the priest only wiped off the overflow oil that was dripping from your nose. So, how can that old oil be eliminated? How can the attitude be changed? It must be replaced, not eliminated.

What's the best thing to replace oil? Water. You remember oil and water don't mix, so you simply fill your bucket with water, and eventually all the oil is flushed out over the top. Oil stays on top of water. The fresh water gives your bucket, heart, a different attitude. It replaces the old attitude - it doesn't change it. People who simply try to change their bad or negative attitudes most often fail. That space must be occupied with something. If it's not occupied with something good, it will be occupied with something bad. It will not accept a neutral void.

These are the things that influence and drive the inner attitude. The inner attitude is the guide that determines one's opinion of himself or herself. That self opinion is the basis of determining whether one's self is worth the effort to be successful, and whether one has the confidence to reach that success. I could not have overcome my problem with stuttering without first understanding and nurturing this inner attitude.

The second attitude is the projected attitude. Although the projected attitude is not the driving force of one's success, it helps determine the degree of difficulty along the way.

The projected attitude is the normal link of communicating and interacting with society. It filters the innermost feelings and thoughts of a person and shows only those feelings and thoughts a person perceives as being acceptable, agreeable or important to society. This attitude is formed by a combination of forces and influences. These include social expectations, peer pressure, family influence, personality, frustrations and self-expectations.

Why is the projected attitude so important? How does it exert such influence? How does it control a person's life? The projected attitude has both a positive and a negative influence on people's lives.

Positively, it acts somewhat within the concept of the 'ego' described by Sigmund Freud. A person ordinarily wants to appear reasonable and logical in a normal society. This drive to be judged as normal keeps most people within an acceptable range of behavior that they judge as normal within their surroundings. In effect, people prefer to project an attitude that shows themselves as normal and not as deviant. As a result, much sorrow, bloodshed and violence are avoided in our society.

The projected attitude can also have negative influences. In my case, this drive to be normal, this drive to be non-deviant, caused my speech problem to prolong itself, and for my living terror to continue. I didn't understand at the time I was suffering from its influence; but, I understand it and can explain it now. Anyone who wants to be truly happy must understand this powerful force. Now, I observe that much unhappiness and discomfort are caused by this drive to project the 'normalcy' that society expects.

As a stutterer, I feared speaking. The more I feared speaking the more I stuttered. The more I stuttered, the more I feared stuttering. It was an uncontrollable circle that I didn't understand. At the time I thought the more I tried not to stutter that I should stutter less. That's not what happened. The harder I tried not to stutter, the worse I stuttered. That doesn't make sense, does it? Let's look at a similar example of a person who doesn't stutter for another view of the power of the projected attitude.

Have you ever taken a test in an academic environment? Was it an important test where your grade on the test would be open for others to see? What were your feelings as you took the test? Were you focused on the test, by letting your mind relax and find the answers you knew, or, were you thinking about what other people would think if you made a low score? Unless you are comfortable taking tests most likely you were thinking about what others would think about you if you made a low score on the test. If you are a typical person, you wanted to be normal.

I remember Hershel, a classmate when I was in the third grade. Herschel was the class bully, and everyone was afraid of him. Hershel was mean and tough, and if you crossed him, he would surely beat you up. One day a new student came into our class, and he didn't know Hershel. Hershel began harassing the new student. The student asked Hershel to stop bothering him. Hershel didn't like that, and he jumped right into the student's face. The new student pushed Hershel away and Hershel fell down. Hershel never regained his projected attitude of power and dominance. He became fearful; he never found a place to fit comfortably, and he eventually dropped out of school. The attitude he thought he had to project destroyed his life.

Why was the projected attitude so important to me, and, why did it play such an important role in helping to perpetuate my speech problem? My projected attitude, the visible interpretation of who I was and who I wanted to be, did not allow me to relax and not worry about stuttering. I worried about stuttering because I knew stuttering was abnormal. Normal people simply don't stutter, and I wanted to be a normal person. To me, normal was speaking fluently without even having to think about talking. Perhaps to Hershel, normal was being the person in charge.

That inability to be normal causes one to feel inferior, or less than others. That feeling replaces a feeling of confidence and esteem that's necessary to allow a person to be successful. Although a person might appear successful to others, that inferior feeling continues to dominate one's mind in the struggle to be normal. I became focused on my abnormality and it dominated my life and my feelings about myself. That prevented me from finding and understanding ways to overcome my problem. Even if I had been able to project my attitude and myself as I was trying to do, I don't know if that's the way others would have received that attitude or that image.

The received attitude is the third attitude that affects a person's life. The received attitude is not always that which a person assumes is being projected. Even with all the agony, effort and struggle to project an attitude one believes is representative of himself or herself, all that struggle might be futile. The received attitude is developed inside another person's mind. That receiving mind might not contain the same logic, the same interests or the same emphasis as the projecting mind.

Most of our laws and rules are based on the principle of 'the rational man or woman.' Our projected attitudes are developed on that principle. We assume all people are logical, and that logic is based on our knowledge and beliefs. Often that assumption is invalid because our minds and our logic are formed by emotions and motivations. These emotions and motivations aren't constant. They change in our minds as the gentle breezes change around us. What might be a gentle breeze at one moment might be a tornado in the next moment. These sudden changes are created by emotions and motivational needs.

While I was so entrapped in my fear and my desperate drive to project the attitude I had determined was the proper attitude and image of myself, I'm not so sure now it really mattered. Now that I have overcome my stuttering problem, the fear of stuttering and the struggle to project the right attitude, I find most other people are too busy with their own problems to really care. Now that I can talk relatively fluently, I find that most other people are so eager to talk about all their problems they probably didn't give much interest to my problem, anyway. My received attitude was of less significance than I thought it was. Had I understood that, I would not have placed so much pressure on myself to be normal.

Why do people have problems that don't allow them to receive the attitude or the image others try to project? Those projected attitudes aren't effective because most people have a selection and filtering process in their awareness. This concept helps explain why peer pressures and social pressures are so powerful. This automatic and internal selection filter often prevents logic and reason from reaching its intended target as logic and reason. Logic that's sent or projected is not necessarily logic that's received. Logic that's received is based on motivational needs and emotions that control one's most urgent thoughts.

The most urgent thoughts and needs are the only thoughts and needs a person have at any moment in time. There's not a priority of first, second and third place. For example, a person would not reason that, "First, I will choose to do what I want to do, then what I have been advised to do, then what I think is most logical for me to do." The first choice, or the first drive, is the controlling force. Nothing else is relative at that moment. Let's use some examples of peer pressure and social pressure that influence many people, to demonstrate this concept. Let's consider a typical discussion between a mother and her teenage son about buying pants:

Mother: "Ricky, we need to go buy a new pair of pants for you today. You only have one good pair, now, and pretty soon you won't have any. I'll be ready to go about 1:00."

Ricky: "Oh, Mom, do I really have to? I don't want to go shopping. I told Roland I would come over to his house, today. Why don't you just get some for me?"

Mother: "No, Ricky, you've got to go with me to try on the pants to make sure they fit. I don't want to be driving back and forth so you can try on pants. Come on now, get ready to go."

Ricky: "Where are we going? I hope we don't have to go to the Busy Mall. Can we just go to the little Quick Pants store so we won't have to hassle with so many people?"

Mother: "Pants cost too much at that store. It's much cheaper to go to the discount store in the mall. I can't just throw money away like that. Besides, it's not too crowded there, and it won't take all that long. Come on, now, get ready."

Ricky: "Can't we do it later? Roland's waiting for me at his house."

Mother: "No! We're going today. You need another pair of pants."

Ricky: "These I have are okay. You can just wash them until you get me some more."

Mother: "I'm not going to tell you again, we're going."

From the mother's point of view, it's logical that Ricky needs another pair of pants. From her view, also, it should be logical that Ricky would understand that he needs another pair of pants. Every boy needs at least two pairs of pants. Ricky needs another pair of pants to wear while one pair is being washed. Since that's such a logical idea why doesn't Ricky agree with it, and agree to go get another pair of pants? The mother is projecting the rational idea and the logical idea, but Ricky is just not receiving those ideas.

Ricky knows he needs another pair of pants, but he has a higher priority concern. His higher priority is to appear independent. That higher priority filters out the logic projected by his mother. To Ricky, it's not logical for a boy his age to be seen escorted by his mother on a shopping trip - or anywhere else. That association in public informs people that he's not an independent person. Ricky believes his feeling of independence is the logical and rational goal. The pants are his mother's concern. His feelings of independence and importance are his concerns. The mother is projecting that which she considers rational and normal. That projection is not received by Ricky.

How can Ricky and his mother resolve this problem? Perhaps Ricky can wear a disguise so no one he knows will recognize him as he goes through the shopping mall with his mother. Or, his mother could give him the money to buy the pants by himself. Another alternative is to order pants through the mail. He could also follow her in the shopping mall far enough behind that no one would know he was shopping with his mother. Probably Ricky's mother will finally just tell him to, "Get in the car - now!"

Teenagers aren't the only people who devise special logic for themselves to justify their decisions. Adults also receive attitudes from others that aren't necessarily the attitudes that are sent. Everyone filters attitudes to conform to their own expectations and attitudes of themselves.

Let's consider another example. Let's also consider jeans in our example, since we've already introduced pants as an item that might create controversy.

Most jeans are made of the same, or similar, material. That material is usually denim. That denim is cut with similar cutting instruments; patterns for the jeans are similar in design since they all have two holes for legs and one waist band to fit around one's waist. They are sealed onto one's body with either buttons or a zipper. The lengths are usually variable enough to be long enough for tall people and short enough for short people. Basically, all jeans are made from the same material, and in the same way. Often, the same factories make different brands of jeans. The only difference is the name they place on the jeans.

Why, then, do some people, even adults, pay fifty to a hundred dollars for a pair of jeans when the only difference in those jeans and twenty-five dollar jeans is the name sewn onto the back pocket or the waistband? For those who pay the higher prices, it's a reasonable and logical decision. According to people who buy the expensive jeans, the higher priced jeans fit better and last longer because they are a 'name' brand.

A person who makes decisions based purely on economic considerations would most likely consider the act of paying twice as much for a pair of jeans unreasonable and illogical. Most likely, a person who needs to wear the more expensive jeans would feel demeaned by wearing the cheaper jeans. It would reduce that person's feeling of belonging and importance. While one person would consider rationality and logic based on economics, the right use of money; another person might consider the feeling of being normal as more important - and logical.

I discovered as I finally learned to control my stuttering problem that the harder I tried to be normal - the harder I tried to project a normal attitude and image - the harder it was for me to overcome my problem. I had the image that correct and fluent speech was normal. I wanted to be normal, and I focused on being normal. But I couldn't, not until I learned that I first had to develop an inner attitude that would guide me in being normal for myself. I was a stutterer. I had to learn to accept that, and to project the attitude that I was still a normal person who merely had a problem to overcome. I stopped fearing my problem and began to correct it. When I let my inner attitude guide my feelings about myself and my projected attitude, my life became more manageable. I wasn't focused on what I thought I should project or what I should defend. I was focused on what I needed to do.

To find happiness, to find success and to find a reason for existence, one must first find himself or herself. To do that, a person must discover and recognize his or her inner attitude, understand it and adjust it until it fits the image that he or she can imagine was planned by our Creator. That inner attitude is easy to recognize. It guides peace of mind, focus and calm in the waves of discomfort and discontent that continue to flow.

### Chapter 6

Steps

### Lighting the Path

One who never wears out shoe soles never goes anywhere.

One who never goes anywhere never gets anywhere.

Success is the result of taking steps. Ordinarily, those steps are only one at a time. Success and happiness don't just happen. They result from taking steps to do something. People who fail usually do so because they wait to succeed. That waiting until 'it's safe' or until the 'right thing' comes along earns only failure. Although I walked in constant fear, early in my life, I knew I must continue to take steps, no matter how difficult they were.

As you have been reading this book, perhaps you have thought to yourself, "I don't suffer from any of these weaknesses so far discussed. I am not paralyzed by guilt, anger, fear or a bad attitude. So, why am I not successful? Why are others who are less qualified and prepared than myself more successful?" How can a person who suffers from a social and personal handicap be successful and happy? I learned that most simple answer. I learned, through observation and by trial and error, that one must take the next step toward success and happiness. There is no other alternative.

But, what is the next step? This understanding of the next step and the personal volition to take it determine success, or the absence of success. This absence of success is failure. Every person who has normal mental and physical abilities easily can become successful - and happy - by taking the next step. The success road is always moving, which means there's no such success condition as standing still. A person becomes either more successful or less successful.

How do I know? I learned through the wonderful experiences forced within my personal misery and frustration. My speech problem, which was embarrassing and degrading to me in society, forced me to spend most of my discretionary time by myself. Much of that time I spent alone in nature's theatre. Many acts, plays and stories are presented there, and they teach simple yet profound lessons. I watched, I listened and I learned - unaware that I was learning.

The old home place on the ten acres of worn-out central Mississippi scrub land that my mother bought, in 1945, included a giant outdoor theatre. That giant theatre had: a small pasture, a small garden, a small field for growing cotton and corn, a one-acre pond, railroad tracks and a creek. Other fields, creeks, ponds and forests surrounded our home. Except when I was in school, I spent most of my time, between the ages of 5 and 18, in that giant theatre surrounding that home.

Most of that time my dog, Poochie, was with me. Poochie lived to be over fourteen years old, and was killed by a car while he was sleeping in the driveway. He chased cars all his life on the dusty red clay road that passed our house.

Our house always needed painting, until we covered it with pinkish-colored asbestos tile siding. That was the color the contractor couldn't sell. It was a bargain.

That 5-acre scrub pasture, which seemed to have little to offer, was abundant with life stories. It struggled to contribute - but it always gave something. Each time I play the movie of that pasture in my mind I am more humbled by the lessons it gave. It had a natural life cycle, with clear steps along the way.

Each spring the pasture would awaken with a new coat of green, beginning first with a slight tinge of green seen only from a distant view. The grass was never really thick and lush, but there was usually just enough to serve one or two cows and a mule or horse. When the grass became too sparse during the late spring and early summer months, the pasture would protect its covering by sending up bitter weeds to discourage the animals from ravaging the scarce grass. I know the cows ate some of those bitter weeds because the bitterness was absorbed into the milk during the summer months. We had to use the milk anyway.

As erosion would begin from the spring rains, the pasture would shoot up a myriad of new growth to keep its hills from disappearing. The center of the five acres was the low point of an oval-shape that was open at the north end. That's where the soil, although it was poor, left our farm. It was poor soil, but the pasture fought to keep it there in its place.

My brother Lamar and I usually worked a week in the pasture, each year, removing the new pine, oak, sweet gum and persimmon trees, and other bushes that sprang from the ground searching for the sky in early summer. Along with other brambles, we would often destroy wild plum bushes that struggled to exist among the brambles. These plum bushes, the ancestors of our modern commercial plums, bore yellow and red plums, about the size of a regular marble. They were small, but as a youngster I remember how sweet they were, and how plentiful. Today, only a few isolated plums dare push forth from the dwindling bushes, choked among the brambles, and those rare oddities are quickly destroyed by zealous birds. But, they are still there, over sixty years later, struggling to survive.

We found abundant life in that five-acre pasture as we examined every foot of it to eliminate the unwanted growth. We also learned to cooperate with that pasture to avoid harm to ourselves, and to the pasture. We learned to walk around a fallen tree, instead of stepping over. Too often, a water moccasin or a copperhead snake would be waiting in the shaded crevice under the other side. Cottonmouths and copperheads are natural residents of most undisturbed areas in Mississippi. Although feared, they are essential to control the rat and mouse population. Otherwise, rats and mice might devastate a good corn or grain crop.

Other animals had their mighty kingdoms on that small piece of scrub land. Every square yard of red dirt, dotted with green sprigs, had its resident spider. And, each spider had its own description, character and size. Some were large and some were small; some had long legs and some had short legs; some were shiny and some were fuzzy; some were white, green, brown and black; and, some waited in webs while others sprang from earthen burrows or openly pursued their prey. Each had its own world to conquer, or to be destroyed. A spider's world often came to a sudden end when it was surprised from the air by a wasp, while waiting for an unsuspecting prey.

Birds and squirrels are more fun to watch than snakes, spiders, and even centipedes. A centipede is amazing, however, because it can coordinate so many legs while keeping its balance and moving in a straight line. Most chunks of wooden debris covered at least one large black centipede and dozens of smaller grey ones. But, birds and squirrels are different. They have personalities, and they didn't seem to care that the pasture was worn-out scrub land.

Birds not only have different names, they also have different personalities. Robins often visited our pasture. Robins are curious, and probably a little lazy; because they often wouldn't bother flying away until danger was really close to them. They strolled around on the ground more than most other birds in that pasture. Mockingbirds, on the other hand, were usually far away and in trees more than on the ground, at least where they could be seen. Mockingbirds liked to hear their changing shrills ring and would often imitate a few notes from one who whistled at them out across the pasture. Wrens and sparrows were always flitting about, looking for food. They always seemed oblivious to everything around them, and they were usually in groups.

Blue jays were completely different from all other birds. They were the pushy ones who tried to boss all the other birds and animals, and they were easily disturbed. They particularly disliked snakes, and would alert the entire neighborhood when one was in the area. And, there were plenty of crows that cawed indiscriminately, even when there was nothing obvious to caw about. Ten to twenty excited crows get very rowdy.

Squirrels were the most interesting transients to watch. Squirrels are serious about life, but they also know how to take time out to have fun. During most of their active time they either play or search for food and, whether they are playing or searching, one activity may be interrupted to do the other. They are spontaneous, but they always do something.

Squirrels that passed through the pasture were always on a mission of searching and finding, with antics of chasing and tumbling to break the monotony of their serious mission. They would run, search, find, nibble, bury something, search again and then frolic about the trees.

Our garden also exposed many natural stories \- from the beginning of each spring until the end of each fall. Spring rain would always loosen the soil for cultivation and planting, and sometimes the rain made its presence known too much and too long. Sometimes the seasons would play tricks on our garden by shifting a few weeks earlier or later than expected. Those seasonal tricks would often kill or stunt new growths of tomatoes, squash, cucumbers and pole beans. At other times, cold weather would spill over into weeks that were reserved for timely planting of the garden. I remember, the gardener with the earliest ripe tomato always arrived in the town square earliest on Saturday. Saturday was the going-to-town day to learn what happened in the area during the week. Television was unheard of for most people at that time. And, when there was television the transmissions were too far away for a reliable signal.

As those garden plants grew, they expected passing clouds to open their spouts upon them, occasionally, for cleansing and renewal. Their genes and instincts knew that always happened. Some seasons those spouts would open widely, and the plants would be beaten to the ground, bent over like an old person suffering from a back ailment. At other times, they would suffer long periods without even a gentle drop. During these times, they would lose their full color and would droop in weariness and despair. They would even shrivel, perhaps in attempt to make themselves smaller to conserve their remaining precious fluid. Usually the rain came just in time.

At the height of each plant's life, it always beamed with pride and fought to be the most attractive in the garden. Beans, tomatoes, squash and cucumber; each had its own flower to announce its heritage and its existence. I could imagine each plant saying, "This flower is the symbol of my life - here I am again - and, I am preparing seed for my future."

After those announcements, each plant then began in earnest to fulfill its purpose. Squash plants made squash, bean plants made beans, tomato plants made tomatoes and cucumber plants made cucumbers. If late summer rains came those plants would continue to produce a little longer, until the fall air announced the end of their commitment. Otherwise, if passing clouds ignored their terraces, those plants would become weary in late summer and would close their life cycles early.

Roots of the sassafras bushes that were tangled in the gulley, at the bottom of the field, smelled like root beer. I didn't know what they were until my great uncle Wesley told me they were used 'in the old days' to make sassafras tea. Uncle Wesley was about 65 years old when I was about 10 years old. He had served in World War I; and, I remember, he gave me a pair of his WWI army pants, the khaki colored ones that laced up outside the lower leg. I was the only kid I knew who had a pair.

Our cotton field was a little over three acres sloping upward, in a semi-circle, east of the gully where the sassafras grew. The cotton rose head-high on the north side, about waist-high in the middle, and knee high on the south end of the semi-circle. We always planted cotton on the south end, anyway, because that's where the cotton patch was. Each year we usually produced just enough cotton to buy cotton seed to plant the next year. The cotton crop would always be 'better next year.' Later, the government paid us not to grow cotton. The payment was based on the amount of the normal cotton allotment. It was only a hundred dollars or so, but it was more than we made from the cotton patch; and a heck of a lot easier. I earned more in those summer months at 3 or 4 dollars a day helping other farmers gather in their hay to feed farm animals. Some wealthy cotton farmers bought more land and soon became very wealthy from the money paid by the government not to farm cotton.

East of the cotton patch, and higher up the slope, was our corn field. It was a little over two acres, also. During the dry years, the corn would become stunted, and produce only partially developed ears of corn. During the wet years, we would have enough corn for our cow, Bossy, for the horse or mule that pulled the plow to cultivate the fields, and to take to the gristmill to make corn meal. Many of our meals consisted of cornbread, made from our corn, broken and stirred into the milk we got from Bossy. It was often bitter from those bitter weeds Bossy had to eat.

One year we used a corner of the corn field to grow peanuts. We planted those in a sandy loose soil area in the southeast corner. That was our best and most prolific crop. We couldn't openly sell those peanuts though, because the government permitted only certain people to plant peanuts to sell. As a youngster, I didn't understand why a poor farmer couldn't sell certain crops, just to earn a bare subsistence living. I thought it was unfair. I still do.

We planted a pear tree on one of the terrace rows at the northeast corner of the field. That was over forty years ago. That tree is still struggling in the new woods and underbrush and still producing pears, although they are small. Perhaps some future owner of that land will find that pear tree and think it's a natural wild pear tree.

The creek near our home was a separate world. It did different things and taught different lessons than did the sedentary land. Although, the land was just as special and unique, in its own way.

The creek was more active and volatile than the land, and it had a voice. Sometimes when the water was scarce, and the creek was shallow, its voice was only a whisper. When the creek reached for the top of its banks, its voice roared in harmony with its dash to deeper and wider flows. Usually though its voice was gentle flowing sounds, interrupted by swishes, gurgles and drips. Only the deeper and wider pools seemed to rest, until the flow reached the other end. The creek was alive in the shallow rapid flows, and in the deeper quieter pools.

A rock, limb, stick or other debris in the shallow flows of the creek sheltered the residents that weren't safe in the deeper pools. Most hid a crawfish or a salamander waiting for an unsuspecting meal, while itself, trying to avoid being a meal for a fish or a turtle, or even a venturesome raccoon. I always wondered how those small animals in the shallows, and the larger fish in the deeper parts of the creek always found their way back to the same place after a flood. A creek normally flowing with a six-inch depth could rage with a six-foot depth for hours and even days, during the rainy seasons.

One larger pool in the creek was the favorite swimming place for me and the other local boys. That included Gene and Butch Watkins, the creek was in their pasture, Ronald Mowdy, Allen Bates, and my brother Lamar. We didn't have a regular pool in our town. I don't think anybody in our town had a swimming pool. The nearest swimming pool was eighteen miles away, in Philadelphia.

Our creek pool was normally about two feet deep, so we had to build a dam of rocks, dirt and sticks to make it four feet deep. We could swim a distance of about fifteen feet when the pool was dammed. The creek was a place to go fishing, but we never caught any fish there large enough to keep.

About a half mile up the creek was a deeper pool that had larger fish. This pool, the Trout Hole, was surrounded by weeds and brush. We were too afraid of snakes to swim there, and for good reason; there were plenty of snakes around. I learned, much later, that the fish we caught there were bass, not trout. I think the 'Trout Hole' still has a better sound to it than the 'Bass Hole.'

The pasture, the garden, the field and the creek were islands surrounded by endless forest. We called the forest 'woods,' perhaps because everybody we knew called them woods, and we didn't know the difference between woods and a forest. I still don't know; but perhaps woods are trees and bushes around poor people's areas, and forests are trees and bushes in more desirable areas. Anyway, the woods or forest had its own life cycle, its own expectations and its own events. It was always alive, and teaching. It was always stable, and it always knew what to do.

The pine trees and cedar trees were always alive and green, and they stood guard during winter months while the other trees slept. All the deciduous trees feared winter and shed their leaves and hibernated during that season. The pines and cedars stood their ground, and never retrenched even during the coldest times. They waited, vigilantly and patiently, until their neighbors returned each spring. Those stalwarts who could snicker at the cold weather often lost their strength during the long hot summer months, and would often turn their needles brown. They would always die when their needles turned brown.

From early spring until late fall all the trees in the forest stretched to be the tallest to see the rising sun, first. Those that fell too far behind in the race to be tall usually vanished, and made room for eager brushes and briars that needed less sunlight to live in that space.

Early each spring, the dogwood trees rushed to be the first in the forest to bloom. While the other foliage slept, the dogwood danced about in the winds like strings of popcorn on a long skewer. Dogwood had to rush because it couldn't show itself when its big brothers and sisters in the forest woke up. Then, it became lost and insignificant - it was the skinniest and most knarled tree in the forest. It was soon overwhelmed and overshadowed when all the other trees awoke from hibernation and shot out their coats of green overlay.

Then everything in the forest and in the pasture, and in all other areas that supported plant life, rushed to become the most beautiful to attract natures cupids of procreation, the bees and bugs. Bees, bugs and many of the other insects carried pollen from plant to plant in their search for the perfect nectar to replenish their bodies from their long dry winter's sleep. Those lumbering giants in the forest competed with their small kinsmen in the fields and pastures to attract those pollen carriers. Their rivals in the fields and nearby pastures included the black-eyed susan, the bluebells, hyacinths and other tulip-shaped flowers.

Eventually the trees lost interest in beauty and attraction and settled in for the long dry summer. If the rains came on time, their offspring would sprout from the ground around them in time to join the hibernation in the fall. The show-off flowers in the surrounding open areas continued to flaunt their patterns and colors all year until the winter chill knocked them down. They would leave little pieces of themselves where they fell, and would return when spring returned the next year.

These things in nature succeed. They do what they are designed to do, and they naturally succeed at what they are designed to do. How? They do what they do one step at a time, and they don't become distracted by fear, indecision and frustration.

Science teaches that there are two kinds of life - animal life and plant life. That same science also teaches that animal life is the intelligent life and that man, homo-sapiens, is the most intelligent of the animal life. Perhaps that intelligence gives us the ability to question our existence as well as our personal decisions. Perhaps those questions about ourselves interrupt the natural processes that are designed into some of us and cause those persons not to carry out their next natural steps.

Perhaps also the more information that's available, and the faster that information is available, the more indecisive some people become. They become frozen in a simple step because the next step becomes more complex. There's too much information and too many alternatives. That frozen position becomes identified by words such as laziness, low self-esteem, slow learner, apathetic, trouble maker, criminal and dropout.

Is a bird in the pasture or the forest more intelligent than some people? Would a bird ignore the responsibility and the natural drive to take the next step? Would a person?

Have you ever watched a bird? A bird is always doing something. Even when a bird is not doing something it's twitching in anticipation of the next thing to do. A bird doesn't just hang out on the street corner, or in front of the television trying to think of something to do, later. A bird is always doing it, now. Could you imagine a bird that would ignore its babies in a nest, craning their necks with their cavernous mouths screaming for the next meal? When a bird has nestlings it never stops doing what it must do. A bird always takes the next step. Birds see the next step, clearly.

Even the clowning squirrels frolic for reasons other than having fun. They must be nimble and agile in their world to avoid being caught by larger predators. Their play prepares them for that quickness and agility. Even while they play squirrels are always searching for food. When they find more than they need at that moment, they store it. Sometimes they store nuts and seed in the ground and sometimes they store them in trees. And, sometimes they even forget where they store them. But in their constant searching, they find them, again, later. Squirrels understand what they must do, and they just do it.

Humans often put on their blindfolds when they must make the next step. Blindfolds are excellent excuses for failure.

What are these blindfolds? There are many that help people avoid the decision to take the next step. Let's look at a few.

Procrastination is a great blindfold; and, if used properly can satisfy the logic of even the most adept critic. Even great procrastinators, though, use the same words.

"I will do that later, or tomorrow" is the instant blindfold. It's applied with velcro overlapping in the back so it can be removed and replaced quickly. A good procrastinator would not want to take time to tie a knot in this one.

"I haven't decided what I want to do, yet" is another way the procrastinator justifies doing nothing. It also allows longer procrastination because it doesn't have a definite time limit. It would appear more intellectual if more time is taken to make the decision.

"I just don't feel like doing it, now" gives a good excuse, and at the same time, suggests the need for sympathy. One who has sympathy also has a good excuse for doing nothing.

'Too busy' is another blindfold that hides the next step to success and accomplishment. Many people who sit with their eyes transfixed to a television program for hours are too busy to take only one hour, or even a few minutes, to improve themselves. Many people never read a book to enlighten themselves. Most people in economic cultures below middle class never even read a newspaper. Those who embrace failure always have time to take necessary steps toward failure, but they rarely have time to take logical steps toward success. And, no one else can take those steps for them, they must do it themselves.

Steps toward success take no more time than steps toward failure. Furthermore, steps toward success are taken only one at a time. Steps toward failure are repeated and retraced, many times.

Fear is a blindfold that freezes a person in a fixed position. A fixed position is a failing position, for there's no advancement if there are no steps. Success is an unknown quality for someone who has never known success. Therefore, the fear of that unknown causes such apprehension that a person can't see himself or herself moving toward it. Fear of failure most often is the direct cause of that failure.

Expectation might be the darkest blindfold that obscures more of the light that might otherwise guide the way toward success steps. If a person expects to be successful, then that person can usually find a way to be successful even by having to overcome great obstacles. If a person expects to fail, that person will usually find a way to create obstacles that will cause that failing.

Family conditions and culture play a great role in placing the expectation blindfold on a person. It's difficult for a person reared in a culture to expect failure to understand anything else. It's just the normal condition. This explains why many of the governmental social programs for disadvantaged citizens of society are never effective.

Apathy and laziness are other blindfolds that cause success steps not to be taken. I use apathy and laziness together because I'm not sure they can be separated. Perhaps apathetic is the nice word and lazy is the harsh and direct word. I've noticed that lazy people from higher social classes are labeled apathetic, while lazy people from the lower classes are labeled lazy. We complain about growing apathy in our society, but we rarely refer to society as lazy. The suggestion that our society has become apathetic to all its problems creates the need to understand this difference between apathy and laziness. That difference will be identified in the chapter on motivation and goals.

Ignorance is another blindfold that hides a person from the next step toward success. Ignorance also has two sides to itself. The first side of ignorance is the lack of understanding that a person must do something to get somewhere - to make something happen. Failing people too often wait for something to happen to them. When it doesn't, they blame society or their particular situation or their inadequacies.

Succeed is an active verb, not a passive verb. Students of English will remember that an active verb shows the actor. A passive verb shows the receiver of the action. Most people who fail are passive verbs. They wait to receive the action.

The second side of ignorance is ego. Me, Myself and I are characters that, too often, refuse to allow a person to admit he or she has a weakness or a flaw such as ignorance. Me, Myself and I are characters who are already at the top of the chain of importance, for they already know everything. To take a step forward might disclose a weakness or a lack of knowledge which would suggest that person might be somewhat less that perfect. Someone else, or something else, always destroys their opportunities to succeed. It's not their fault.

How do these things in nature, plants and animals, teach us to take steps? Once I understood the relationships between me and nature the answer became so clear I couldn't believe I hadn't seen it before. I was over fifty years old before I really understood what I had observed. It was an accidental understanding as I struggled to overcome my speech problem. I recalled the similarities with those examples in nature and the steps I reached each time I overcame my impediment a little more.

Those things in nature don't exist only for practical uses, for beauty, and for our enjoyment and peace of mind. I know now they have been placed on our earth to show us how to remove our blindfolds - these blindfolds that keep us from seeing and understanding the steps to natural happiness and success.

Grass in the fields, in pastures, on roadsides and on lawns, grows. Grass doesn't question if it should grow - it just grows. And, in its natural process of growth it protects the earth from erosion; it becomes food for wild and domestic animals; it changes carbon dioxide into oxygen; it hides and protects many other living and fragile creatures; it displays its beauty around homes and parks; and, it attracts much of the damaging light from the sun that would otherwise damage other living creatures. In the process, grass doesn't ask if it should - it just does. It doesn't question if it can - it just does.

Although birds, squirrels, trees, creeks and other bits and pieces of nature aren't as plentiful as blades of grass; nevertheless, they show us the same lessons. Birds fly because they don't question if they can or should fly. They just fly. And, in their flighty search they help keep the earth tidy. They remove debris. They also sing melodies and harmonies in places that might never hear music. One can even imagine that birds taught stone-age man to develop language beyond simple grunts. Birds give sound in places ruled by isolation and desolation.

Squirrels don't search for food and frolic because they just decide from alternatives that's what they will do. That's just what they do. And while they frolic and search for food, they remove excess seed that might otherwise overpopulate an area. Trees are not bushes - they know they should be trees - to fulfill their purpose as trees.

Now I understand that we are placed on this earth for a purpose - and that purpose is good. Perhaps as a species mankind has made a mockery of the purpose for our existence. Since that purpose has been lost in the spirit and leadership of mankind, perhaps the only way it can be found is in the mind and spirit of each individual person. That's where I found the answer to eliminate the agony and terror of my speech problem. I rekindled the spirit of that purpose.

What is that purpose? It's not to have more than someone else. It's not to be smarter than someone else. It's not to be more beautiful than someone else. It's not to be faster than someone else. Our purpose, the purpose that I understand, is to give something to someone else that will help that person find real happiness.

Could it be that happiness is the only intended purpose for us by our Creator? And, that happiness and purpose come only from an understanding and acceptance of that Creator and that purpose? The more I understood this, the more my stuttering problem eliminated itself. I had been waiting for the 'magic bullet' answer to my problem to come to me. I learned I must take steps toward the answer. Waiting only moved the answer further away.

Most of my lifetime I spent fearing my problem. I was blindfolded by ignorance, fear, expectation and laziness. I was ignorant because I didn't understand the problem, and I didn't know there was an answer. I feared the exposure of my weakness because it was an unacceptable condition in a society that rewards acceptability and frowns upon unacceptability. I expected to be a stutterer all my life, because that's all I had ever known. I was too lazy to seek something different.

I was focused on the problem that caused my fear and unhappiness. I couldn't see the steps I needed to take to put that problem behind me so I could add happiness to someone else's life. Nature showed me those steps.

My first step was to understand the cause of the problem that created my agony and shame. There are only four possible sources of stuttering. They are: a physical problem related to bone structure, mouth structure, the larynx, or breathing; a mental problem that hampers the ability to learn to speak; actual brain damage in the area that controls speech; or, a dysfunction created by the mind. Most of my lifetime I spent fearing my problem instead of understanding it. Understanding it gave me a clue to determine the next steps.

I knew I was reasonably intelligent, because I understood things and learned things as quickly as everyone else I knew. I couldn't talk about those things, but I understood them. I could also write very well, and I understood what I read. Perhaps that explains my enthusiasm for writing, even today.

I also knew I didn't have a physical problem that prevented or hampered articulation. When I was alone, or with my dog, Poochie, I could speak clearly and distinctly, without hesitation or interruption. I could also recite words, such as the pledge of allegiance, in a group. I even enjoyed singing as I followed behind the mule while I plowed the fields of corn and cotton. I could usually sing while using a 'sweep' or a 'double-harrow,' but following a turning plow or a middle-buster required too much intense concentration to sing. The deeper running plows would occasionally stop suddenly and injure personal and private parts when I walked into the plow handle.

I simply did not stutter when I was alone. This ability to speak, without stuttering, when I was alone also suggested to me that I didn't have brain damage in the parts of my brain that controlled speech.

The knowledge and understanding that I had no physical disability or mental disability remained with me most of my life. I knew my stuttering problem was a mind problem too complicated for me to solve. I kept waiting for the 'magic bullet,' that sudden cure that would make my stuttering suddenly go away. It never came.

After retiring as a major from the U.S. Air Force, when I was only thirty-nine years old, I began a different life as a civilian. In the struggle to overcome the fear of a new environment that, again, challenged my speech problem, I realized I had been very successful, even with the problem I considered a severe handicap.

I asked myself, "How did I do that?" The answer again reinforced, and made even clearer, the lessons I had been taught by nature's simple creatures. That answer was: nothing succeeds like the next step. I simply took the next step, and I continued to succeed even in areas where a person with my handicap should not have succeeded.

### Chapter 7

The Next Step

### The Leaping Giant

Deciding what the next step should be is easy. Deciding

To take that step is easy. But, taking that giant step

Requires a giant leap of faith.

People who fail to be happy and successful aren't failures because they don't know what to do. Most people know what to do. That knowledge is inherent within most people. Those who fail to take those steps fail because they don't trust their inherent natures. They wait for success to come to them, so they can choose from the platter that's presented to them. Rarely does that platter of success loaded with multiple choices appear. Success requires volition and action. It's not passive. It must be sought after, chased, and reached; not merely accepted.

Even as a stutterer, when I was a teenager, I knew I must do certain things to become independent. I also remember one of the driving forces of a young person, especially a teenager, is to be independent. That struggle for self identification and independence is the force that often separates communications and understanding between teenagers and their parents. Even with a speech impediment, I had the same drives and the same forces at work within me that affected other young people. The only difference is that I couldn't verbally express most of those things. However, most of my frustrations as a teenager were related to the embarrassment and ridicule of being a stutterer, not from being a teenager.

I avoided most of the normal teenage problem situations because I didn't want to suffer the embarrassment of having to explain why I did 'such a stupid thing.' I avoided other conflicts and controversial situations for the same reason. I didn't want to have to explain anything. The avoidance of participating gave me an opportunity to be an observer.

I couldn't believe I was a high school graduate the evening I walked across the stage to accept my diploma. I was the first member of my family and extended family I knew who had graduated from high school. For at least five years I had known I would never graduate from high school, because none of my family had ever graduated, and I was not even a normal person.

I couldn't even talk to other people like normal people do. Even when I appeared to communicate well my mind battled with my vocal cords, my mouth and my lungs. Sometimes they would become frozen, all at the same time. Sometimes I couldn't make my mouth and tongue move to form words, while my vocal cords produced sound. At other times, my mouth would become paralyzed waiting for sound to arrive from my vocal cords. I felt embarrassed not only for myself but for other people who watched patiently, and sometimes impatiently, while I tried to force words from my speech system.

When I spoke well for a few words or a few sentences, those were not the words or the sentences I intended to say. Often, I could substitute words or thoughts in place of words or sounds I knew I would not be able to produce. There are many substitute words for: big, little, far, near, yes, no, hello, maybe and many other commonly used words. I knew them all. The substitute word didn't always fit correctly in a sentence, but it sufficed. The substitute word might have sounded out of place, but that wasn't as embarrassing as stuttering.

Usually I could read, even in class. I could read, though, only if I could begin the first sentence, and I could begin the first sentence only if I didn't know what the first word was. I had to cover the words in a book while someone else read, so I wouldn't see the next word, but I had to follow along closely enough to know where the first word was. Taking turns answering questions in class was the most difficult thing for me to do. I usually avoided that embarrassment by saying I didn't know the answer, often with substitute words: "I don't remember. I can't recall. Don't know."

I was surprised that I graduated from high school without ever answering many questions in class. I graduated number twenty-two in my graduating class of forty-four.

I began feeling like a normal person during my high school graduation ceremony. I was shocked and amazed when the principal handed me a diploma, rolled and tied with a gold-colored bow that acknowledged me as a high school graduate. As I was leaving the stage in the school auditorium, the principal called me back to present an award to me. I didn't know what an award was, I thought an award was something normal people got, especially wealthy people. The instant he handed the Citizenship Award to me I tasted a little of what I thought normal must feel like. I still remember what the principal said while he was presenting the award to me. He said, "He never quit, and he never gave up. He always set a good example of citizenship." I was as proud of those words as I was the award. The award was a little lapel pin.

That little bronze medal still gives me encouragement, even today, almost forty years later. (Now over sixty years later.) Yes, I still have it and often I look at it to let the three words inscribed upon it guide me. The three words: Truth, Honor, Integrity are universal. They never fail to guide me in my feelings for myself and in my relationships with other people.

Now, I have to use a magnifying glass to see those three small words that hold such power, but the meanings and concepts of those words are just as big to me now as they were when I could read them without glasses or a magnifying glass. That little bronze medal was the first indication to me that I was a real and normal person.

Until I graduated from high school, the only next step that challenged me was to go to school one more day. While I was at school, the next step was to survive through one more class without soaking my clothes from stress perspiration, or choking in my struggle to speak. My school in the red clay hills of Mississippi was not air conditioned, but there was a large exhaust fan at the top floor which helped a little.

Stress kept my clothes soaked with perspiration, except in the coldest times of winter. At the end of each school day, I was thrilled I had made it through another day. I didn't know about tomorrow. I would begin perspiring about tomorrow when tomorrow came. And it always did.

Life didn't end when I graduated from high school. I was still the same person, taking the same breaths, thinking the same kind of thoughts and fearing the same unknowns. Some of those unknowns were in the next minute and some were years away. What would I become, and how would I get there?

Forty years later (Over sixty years now,) I'm still the same person, taking the same breaths and thinking the same thoughts. Only my physical self has changed over the years. The next moment is the next moment regardless of one's age. Age does not prepare one to answer questions of the next moment, unless that next moment holds no question. The unknown of the next moment is a question at any age. Perhaps that makes the thought process ageless, except how to prepare for that last moment.

My next moment held a serious question for me. That question was, "How can I find a job to support myself?" Ordinarily, there would have been two serious next questions if I had been a normal high school graduate. The other question would have been, "Should I go to college?" Most high school graduates must ask these two questions, and the answer ordinarily guides their next step. That answer also reveals the outer limits of their aspirations and their expectations of themselves. As for myself, I couldn't even imagine going to college. My expectations were too small. Subconsciously, I wanted all those things that accompany success, but I couldn't imagine those things really happening to me. I didn't expect them.

The normal understanding and interpretation in my school, and with students I knew in other schools, was that students who went to college would be successful and reach higher goals. Students who didn't go to college wouldn't be successful and reach those higher goals. This fact was taught as part of the school and education process. Anyway, I knew I wouldn't be successful because I couldn't go to college. Each day in an academic and controlled environment pushed the smell of fear deeper into my self-image. Each of those days was a lifetime of soaked despair. And, from a practical reason, I couldn't afford the books and tuition to go to college. I didn't even have transportation to go the few miles to the nearest community college, at that time called a junior college. Nevertheless, I knew I must take the next step. It wouldn't happen for me.

The blue car honked its horn from the dirt driveway at my house. I was plowing in the damp cornfield on the plateau, across the pasture from the house. It was mid April. I was within shouting distance from the house. My mother had called many times across to the field to tell me dinner or supper was ready. In those days, lunch was dinner and dinner was supper. I didn't know supper really was dinner until much later.

I had walked to town earlier in the day to see the Air Force recruiter. He wasn't in the office so I walked back home. It was about a mile and a half to town. I could have seen the Army recruiter or the Navy recruiter, but I was too small to carry heavy Army packs on my back for hours and days; and, I didn't like the Navy bell-bottom pants.

When I saw the Air Force recruiter's blue car at my house, I ran across the pasture toward the house. I couldn't see the house when I was at the bottom of the pasture. I hoped he would still be there and would see me when I got to the top of the rise on the other side. He did, and he waited. When I saw he would wait, I stopped and pulled the thorns from my feet and ankles. I had found some new blackberry vines in my dash across the pasture. That was on April 10th, 1957. On April 17th, I arrived at Lackland Air Force Base, in San Antonio, Texas, for basic training.

Basic training was not the experience I had expected. I thought it would be physically tiring and demanding. It wasn't. During physical training time, we had a choice of exercising and drilling on the outside exercise field, or going skating. I learned later that the base commander, a major general, was sharing the proceeds with the owner of the skating rink on base. The general was reprimanded and forced to retire. I always regretted not having the real basic training exercises I had anticipated. I wanted real war stories to tell, not that I did physical training in a skating rink.

The first few weeks of basic training were easy for me, even as a stutterer. Then a trainee didn't even have to know the English language, or any other language. Most training language that used real words was performed in group formation. The only real words, clearly spoken, were "yes, sir" and "no, sir." That was in loud unison, so no one knew if I were speaking or not speaking. I could always speak well, without stuttering, in unison.

Most other words were those that would make the ordinary civilian ask, "What did he say?" So, it really didn't matter if they were pronounced correctly, or even at all. For example, at roll call the leader was satisfied with any sound from a trainee. Responses such as: here, ho, yo, hut, yeh, highth, haye were okay. Occasionally, the skinny guy with the whiny voice would even answer, "I'm here, Sergeant." One person could have answered roll call for the whole squad, as long as he used a different sound.

My self confidence and self esteem began to find themselves even while I was in the first few weeks of basic training. I was surprised how well my 'inferior' high school education in Mississippi had prepared me to compete in the real world. I think, at that time and perhaps even now, many Mississippians carried a natural feeling of inferiority. In the 1950s that feeling was nurtured, to some degree, by the aftermath of the Civil War. Now, perhaps it's nurtured by tradition and expectations. Nevertheless, I was constantly amazed how educationally and intellectually unprepared my peers were who came from other parts of the country.

My confidence and esteem were bolstered even more when I was one of only five recruits in my organization to participate in 'experimental testing.' That testing was a day-long ordeal of interpreting spots, dots and irregular designs; and, associating word patterns and word references. I knew the other four participants were the smartest in our organization.

I learned many other things about myself while I was in basic training. I learned that I was not comfortable using vulgar or obscene language. Most of the trainers and sergeants in charge of our training group used that language, endlessly. It seemed artificial, as if they had nothing important to say, or else they didn't know how to say anything important. They seemed more interested in impressing us with the strength of their words than with the purpose of their words. I couldn't imagine myself appearing to be that way from someone else's point of view. I suspect many intelligent people lose their intelligent meanings with the use of unintelligent words.

Only once did my stuttering cause a serious and embarrassing problem for me while I was in basic training. I was on barracks guard duty one evening and the charge-of-quarters sergeant called on the intercom for a routine barracks check. I couldn't answer, immediately, to say "All's well." I couldn't say anything. My mouth was frozen and wouldn't move. Eventually, I made a sound - I knew I had to say something - but I don't remember what I said. The sergeant charged me with 'sleeping on duty.' The officer in charge of our group never processed the charge. Most likely, in my effort to explain myself he understood that stuttering, not sleeping, might have been my problem. The sergeant remained convinced I was sleeping on duty, and the embarrassment of that charge remained with me. At that time I felt that officers must be special people.

After completing basic training, I completed twelve weeks of hospital corpsman training, also at Lackland Air Force Base. Then, I transferred to the Great Lakes Naval Training Center, at North Chicago, Illinois for sixteen more weeks of hospital corpsman training.

While I was at Great Lakes, I learned that the base education center had challenge tests that granted up to two years of college equivalency. They were GED, General Education Development tests, and anyone who had a high school diploma could take the tests. I couldn't imagine anyone who had a high school diploma not taking those tests - two years of college just for passing two tests. I took the tests while I was in the hospital corpsman school. I still remember taking the first test, part one. It was in early winter and very cold outside in North Chicago. While I was taking the test I knew I had a fever. I rarely had a fever and I rarely got sick. About two weeks later, the Asian flu broke out all over the United States. That was in the winter of 1957. I was one of the first to have the Asian flu, and I didn't even know it at that time. Trainees in the corpsman school had an intensive training program after that, for we took turns caring for each other in the hospital. I passed test one.

We Air Force students were allowed to select our next duty stations, from the assignments list, by our class standings. I was number five on the grade standing; and, Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi, Mississippi had not been chosen when it came my turn to select. I choose Keesler Air Force Base, because it was only four hours from my home. I thought I had seen enough of the world and I was more comfortable being near home.

After I had processed through the orderly room at Keesler, I was counseled by the duty assignments sergeant. The personnel and military functions were administered by the orderly room and the squadron commander; and the actual job assignment was controlled as a separate organization. Job assignments for new enlisted personnel were controlled by a master sergeant assigned to the nursing department. He reported to the chief nurse of the hospital. His name was Sergeant Steinmueller. I remember his name because it was so different from the names I knew in central Mississippi. I told Sergeant Steinmueller I stuttered, I really didn't have to tell him, and asked if I could have an assignment that would consider my speech problem. He was considerate, and assigned to the central supply and sterilization function.

At that time, disposable hospital items didn't exist. Hypodermic needles, syringes and rubber gloves had to be removed from the hospital clinics and patient wards, washed, packaged and sterilized in large autoclaves. That was my job in central supply, to gather these items from all locations in the hospital, a five-story hospital, and clean and sterilize them. I had to gather these items, regardless how they were left or the condition they were in after they were used by doctors, nurses and other corpsmen. I could ordinarily process about five-hundred each of those gloves, syringes and hypodermic needles, daily. I was one of five in my department assigned to that job. I also sharpened and removed burs from the needles. I was never infected by any diseases from those needles, to my knowledge, although I pricked myself at least a dozen times each day. The most feared prick disease, then, was hepatitis. That was before AIDS was known.

I thought I would settle into a routine and obscure job and have only little contact with the hustling bustling world that required interactive talking. I couldn't have been more wrong. Even in a stuck-in-the-corner job, like Central Supply, I still had to communicate even more than I ever had to before. I had to communicate with the sergeant in charge of my unit, the officer in charge and all the other members of the unit. I also had to talk with other people throughout the hospital to find the location of their used items. They didn't always return them to the pickup locations. They usually left those items in the most convenient locations - for themselves. And, worst of all, I had to take my turn at taking orders for supplies, over the telephone. At this time I realized I had not escaped from my problem by disappearing in the Air Force. I was even more visible and vulnerable.

Major Ziemba, I don't remember her first name, I remembered later after I first wrote this book – Constance (Connie), was one of the first people to teach me that a step, each step, is important. That was in 1958, over sixty years ago. I was a student in a refresher nursing course, at the Keesler Air Force Base Hospital, that she taught. During the course, she told me I would be wasting too much talent if I didn't go to college. She instructed, even directed me, to immediately register for a college course. The semester was scheduled to begin the following week. She was a Major and I had only one stripe, an Airman Third Class, at that time. I couldn't even imagine saying no to anything a major would say - or even a captain or a lieutenant. Their rank and status were even beyond my comprehension. I couldn't even think of a rational way to say, "No." So, I registered for class. The only class left with a slot available was a speech class - a class where you learn to stand before a whole classroom and make speeches! Sergeant Steinmueller was also in that same class. I was frightened, but I didn't know what Major Ziemba would say, or do, if I didn't go. She was a real Air Force major, with gold leaves on her uniform collar.

I was soaked with perspiration when I forced one foot and leg after the other to carry my body to the front of the classroom to give my first speech. It was a ten minute speech. I knew I would have a speech block, my mouth would freeze and I wouldn't be able to get any sound to come from my mouth. I wondered what I would do if that happened. Would I apologize and sit down? Would I walk back to my seat and say nothing? Would I say I was not ready to make my speech? Or, would I walk out the door in total humiliation. I didn't know what I would do.

Before I opened my mouth to speak, all the good events and bad events of my life dashed from behind the hidden crevasses of my mind. I saw them all as they streaked by, in order. At that moment, I understood how people who face death can see everything in their past in an immeasurable instant. That event must have been a subconscious defensive reaction to prepare me for this unusual crisis, similar to death; and, it did.

In that instant, less time than one could measure on a stop watch, my subconscious taught me a lesson that began preparing me to overcome my speech problem. It told me, "Look, you are a grown and independent person. You have survived twelve years of school, you have kept your self-esteem through years of humiliation and despair, you are a reasonably intelligent person, and, you are in a college classroom where many people wish they were. The worst thing that can happen is that the audience will have to wait if you have a stuttering block - and haven't they always survived when they had to wait before?" That subconscious voice knew what I needed, at just the right time.

That evening, that day, that hour was precious to me. It was an evening class. I was forced to learn I could speak for ten minutes, in a different environment, without being a stutterer. I didn't stutter on a single word, a single syllable or a single sound. I had become a normal person. I wanted the speech never to end.

About the same time, I also challenged part two of the GED test for more college credits. I didn't pass one of the sections of part two, but I passed it when I took the test the second time, a few months later. The GED credits were accepted at some colleges and universities, so I knew I was half through college.

It was also about this time that I met Marie. She reminds me of the exact day we met, which was October 3rd, 1958, a Friday night during the high school football game in her hometown, Ponchatoula, Louisiana. I don't know how she remembers that exact date.

While we were dating, in 1958 and 1959, I thought she might become embarrassed about my stuttering and find a good reason to ease away from our relationship. She didn't, and we were married November 1st, 1959. She told me she never even knew I stuttered. I hid it very well with avoidances and substitute words. Eventually, I never had the tendency to stutter when Marie and I talked to one another. We are still together, and talking to each other, over sixty years later. We had two children, Will Junior and Sheryl. I never stutterered around them either.

In early 1959, I was still an Airman Third Class, often called an E-2, with only one stripe. Most of my peers, and even those with much less time in service than me, were Airmen Second Class. They had their second stripe. Promotions at that time for the lower grades were determined locally. I wasn't too surprised that the more popular candidates were selected for promotion. I wasn't popular, and I didn't belong to the group that associated with the higher officials who determined who would be promoted. I understood that, and I accepted that - until five or six promotion cycles had passed and I wasn't even considered a top candidate.

After I wrote my congressman, Arthur Winstead, in Mississippi, the promotion board reviewed my records and I was promoted on the next promotion cycle. My letter came after I visited him at his home in Philadelphia, Mississippi. Please don't tell anyone, but I located him in a bar. That's when he told me to send a letter to his office.

The same condition happened for my next promotion. I watched while my peers with less time in service, and weaker records and scores on measurement tests, were promoted. Again, I properly went through the chain of command to learn why I was not being promoted. The officer in charge of my work section didn't understand why; the First Sergeant didn't understand why; the squadron commander, a major, didn't understand why; and, the unit commander, a lieutenant colonel, didn't know why. They all agreed that according to my records, I should have been promoted. Since no one in proper and official order could explain why I had been ignored I sent another letter to my elected official. This time it was Senator James Eastland. Again, I was promoted on the next promotion cycle.

During this same time, I continued to take college courses during the evening. I completed approximately eighteen semester hours. During one of my visits to the base education center to register for another college course I learned it was possible to become an officer in the Air Force without having a college degree. All that was required was to pass the Air Force Officer's Qualification Test, with a high score, and be selected from a list of others throughout the Air Force who had passed the test. The same test was used for candidates for Officer's Training School. Those candidates were required to have a college degree, but their scores on the qualification test didn't have to be as high as candidates for Officer Candidate School.

Since I wasn't easily gaining promotions as an airman, I knew I would probably have the same problem if I ever became a sergeant. To offset that problem, I felt that if I could pass the officer's qualification test that should certainly help me with future promotions as a sergeant. I would have at least established, on my records, that I had passed one of the most difficult tests in the Air Force.

The test was a long series of specialized sections that lasted all day, with a one-hour break for lunch. Questions ranged from understanding aircraft positions from cockpit displays, aerial photography comprehension, overlay map reading, symbols and relationships, and general information. The only question I remember, even today, is: Who wrote 'The Grapes of Wrath?' The test administrators graded the first half of the test during lunch time. When I returned from lunch, I was allowed to take the second half of the test, since I had passed the first half.

The test administrators graded the second half of the test before we left the testing center, at the end of the day. I didn't pass the second half.

During the year I had to wait to take the test again, I took several courses on topics I could remember from the test. I took a correspondence course on aerial photography and map reading, but I don't remember the other courses. I also studied an Information Almanac to absorb general information that couldn't be gained from a formal course. Those questions came from every conceivable source. I also continued to take college courses to accumulate credits.

I studied for that test for a year, and the year passed in a wink. Even with all my preparation and work, this time I failed the first half of the test.

By this time many of my peers and acquaintances at work were calling me 'lieutenant.' I'm not sure if they were encouraging me or if they were trying to be cynical. Perhaps they thought they were just being funny. I continued to study for that test, and I continued to take evening college classes for another year.

I passed that test; I was successful, on my third try. It took two years after I failed the test the first time to pass it. I would have preferred to have passed it the first time; however, I now understand the valuable lesson I learned from that effort. When I passed that Officer's Qualification Test, I felt I had not only proved to myself that I was at least equally worthy of promotion as those who had been promoted ahead of me, I also felt I had validated the actions by the two officials who had supported me to get promoted. Those things were important to me, but not as important as the self-esteem that was beginning to find its way into my subconscious. That was a new feeling for me.

My life changed after I conquered that test. But, it didn't change the way I thought it would. I imagined I would not be selected for Officer Candidate School, and would continue working in an Air Force hospital as an enlisted person. I merely anticipated better promotion opportunities because I was the hardest worker I knew, and I had accomplished something no one in my immediate environment had done, including those sergeants on the promotion board. Shortly after I passed the test I was selected for Non-Commissioned Officer (NCO) School, a preparatory school for sergeants. I never anticipated going to Officer Candidate School, and I was even afraid to be selected because I knew I would never graduate. That would be embarrassing and devastating. How could a stutterer who couldn't get promoted to Airman Second Class graduate from that prestigious school - OCS - and become an officer? It just couldn't happen.

While I was in the NCO school my squadron commander told me he had been informed I had not been selected for the OCS class. That didn't surprise me, because I knew I wouldn't be selected. That was on a Friday. The next Monday my wife, Marie, told me over the telephone that she just received a letter from the Air Force stating I had been selected for OCS. I told her she must be misinterpreting the letter, because I had already officially been told that I had not been selected for OCS. I had to wait until she brought the letter to me later that afternoon, because I couldn't leave the base while I was in NCO School.

They were both right. I had not been selected, and I had been selected. The letter stated: "Your application arrived too late for you to enter OCS class 63C but you have been selected to enter class 63D." The classes were six months apart. Class 63D began in January, 1963.

Never in my life had the 'next step' been so important. I didn't know Officer Candidate School was being eliminated because the Air Force decided all officers should have a college degree before they were commissioned. Class 63D was the last class of Air Force Officer Candidate School. If I had not tried just one more time, if I had not taken that next step, my life would have gone in another direction, and I don't know what that direction might have been. I thought I had it planned.

The next step had taken me somewhere, although not exactly where I planned to be. I planned the next step to be promoted to sergeant, then higher sergeant. The next step allowed me to go even further. I realized I had arrived there because I had taken many 'next steps.' I had taken several college courses, each course requiring the next step. I learned that to complete a college course, the first 'next step' was to register for the course. The next 'next step' was to go to class the first night. Each succeeding session, and each lesson was a next step to be completed. If any 'next step' is ignored along the way nothing happens. Although I had to pass the qualification test to be considered for Officer Candidate School, those college courses made the difference in being selected or not being selected.

Those next steps also prepared me for many of the challenges of OCS. The course was a combination of academics, memory, discipline and self-control that lasted six months. The school was a regular cadet environment, similar to the service academies. Those college courses had forced me to learn how to study. The focused determination for two years to pass the test had instilled discipline and self-control. Passing the test had given me an increased level of self-esteem. I had completed many 'next steps' that prepared me to enter OCS. Although I wasn't confident I would graduate and become an Air Force officer, I thought I could survive each next step. I did.

Six months later, on June 21st, 1963, my wife, Marie, proudly pinned the gold second lieutenant's bars on my uniform while I stood there after graduation. I couldn't believe it was happening then; and, I still find it amazing even today. It was a significant event in my life. She had earned that honor as well with the sacrifices she made while I was restricted to the base during that six months.

Even with that accomplishment, I knew I must take many other next steps to reach what I considered success. I knew the Air Force wanted all officers to have college degrees. In the future, those officers who didn't have a college degree would probably not be promoted. At certain intervals, officers who are not promoted are forced out of the service. To me, then, the next step was clear, simple and obvious - I had to register for another college course if I wanted to continue my Air Force career.

My first assignment, as an officer, was in Japan. I completed four courses during the two years I was there. After serving a year in Vietnam - I didn't take any college courses while I was there - I was assigned to Shaw Air Force Base in South Carolina as an inspector on the Ninth Air Force Inspector General Team. During a counseling session at the Base Education Center on Shaw AFB I learned I needed only twelve semester hours, four courses, to be eligible for Operation Bootstrap. Under Operation Bootstrap the Air Force, as well as other services, assigned those eligible to a college or university to complete the requirements for a degree. That assignment included full pay and benefits as regular active duty. Since I was eligible for the GI Bill, my tuition was also paid by the government. I couldn't afford not to register for that program. I lacked only twelve semester hours.

It was about three months before I could register for regular college classes, on base, in the evening. Since that was so far away, I decided to take challenge tests to complete those twelve hours. I knew if I didn't pass the challenge tests I could register for two classes when the next semester started. I had studied some accounting, and I was somewhat familiar with economics, so I decided to challenge two tests in accounting and two in economics. I took the next step, I registered. While I waited for the formal tests forms to arrive I studied major College Outline Series books on those two subjects. I passed all four tests before the next regular college semester began.

The University of Nebraska at Omaha evaluated all my credits and approved my registration, lacking only thirty credits for a degree. My earliest entry into school was the first summer semester. I took six hours the first summer semester, six the second summer semester and eighteen during the regular fall semester. I received my degree in early 1972.

After that the 'next steps' were easier. I was no longer under pressure to reach a safety zone. I was allowed then to take next steps simply for the joy of improvement and advancement, and for the challenge of accomplishment. I retired as a major, in 1978, when I was only 39 years old.

I continue to take next steps. Now, however, they are natural. I know that something I want to do will not get done if I don't take the next step. It would be easier and more convenient, at times, to blame someone else, blame society or blame my special problem when things don't happen that I think should happen. I know full well, however, that success for me lives between my two ears. I only have to take the next step to bring it out.

One cannot be successful without taking those next steps. Too often, however, those next steps are blocked and even obscured from vision by barriers created in the minds of those who have never experienced the joy of taking those steps. Let's look at a few examples of those barriers that allow rational excuses for someone to avoid success:

I am a stutterer.

I am too shy.

I am not qualified.

I don't know how.

I am a black person.

I am a female.

No one will help me do it.

There are no opportunities.

It's too difficult.

I will look foolish.

I'm not sure what I want to do.

I will wait until the time is right.

No one will give me a chance.

My family is too poor.

Woe is me!

All these excuses work very well, and rational people use them, rationally, every day. Failure is easy to reach by using one of these barriers that form to obscure that next step to success. Success, however, is easier to reach than failure, by just taking that one next step. It's used only one time, each time. Reasons for failure must be used again and again.

I could have continued to avoid that next step by being a stutterer. Major Ziemba wouldn't allow me that luxury of feeling sorry for myself. She instructed me to, "Do it, now!" I did, and I learned how to take just one next step.

### Chapter 8

A Goal

### TAKING DEAD AIM

I know about where I want to go, I just don't

know exactly where it is.

Why do so many people in our society fail to become successful? This question eased into my mind as I became more experienced as an Air Force officer. This question grew even stronger after I retired from the Air Force and worked as a manager in civilian industry ten more years. I continued to wonder why people who had so many more qualifications to succeed than I had never approached their success potential. Many of those reported directly and indirectly to me in a job environment. I was the manager and they were the supervisors and the workers. Only a short time in the past, I had been a first level worker with no realistic dreams of ever being anything else.

As I studied this question I also discovered the word 'success' itself has no socially definite meaning. The absence of a universal and acceptable definition of success causes two conditions that prevent some from being successful; and prevents others from knowing they are successful, even when they are. Many can't find success because they haven't defined it for themselves. Others can't find success because they don't recognize it; often it's perched on their eyelids.

Most who fail to be successful, fail because they don't know what they want to do. They want to 'be successful,' but they haven't described that success. They want to 'go somewhere,' but they don't know where. They want to select success from that platter of alternatives that's offered to them, but they can't choose from those alternatives. They wait for a great inspiration to guide them in that decision. Rarely does that great bolt of lightning from the sky hit them between the eyes. They wait for that great bolt of lightning while they ignore many brilliant little sparks that light a clear path for them. They wait, to make the great decision.

Still, others considered successful by friends and society wander in aimless despair, bemoaning their unfortunate and miserable lives. While they live in comfort and luxury, those symbols of success by many, they can't find the atmosphere that will let them breathe a refreshing breath. Many who walk a direct line to success often find disillusion and lost hope at the end of their search. Is it success or happiness they seek? Is there a difference?

We could ask many questions about success before we try to understand it. Success should be a simple thing one wears, like a baseball cap or a diamond ring. One knows when he or she is wearing a baseball cap or a diamond ring. It's there; it's felt and it's visible. They need no interpretation or complex explanation. Success, however, has endless interpretations, and even more complex explanations often make the definition more illusive.

Some 'authorities' on the definition of success describe it as 'succeeding in life and accumulating enough wealth to live in comfort ever after.' On the other end of the continuum, others describe success as 'finding happiness in what you do.' More moderate authorities on the definition define success somewhere on that continuum between these two definitions. Most realize the accumulation of wealth alone does not define success. Most would also agree that happiness, alone, does not indicate success. There are many unhappy rich people, and there are many happy bums. Are either successful?

Perhaps we can't find an effective definition of success because one's idea of success changes with one's situation at any point in time. The only time that can be measured with certainty is at the instant of death. Until then, something comes next. There is always, until then, another physical or psychological need to be filled. As long as a person has another need to be fulfilled, can it be said with certainty that person is successful?

Again, I know only my feelings, hopes, dreams and desires of success as I struggled to overcome my speech problem. I know what my feelings were then, and I know what my feelings are now, regarding success. I consciously lived through that transition that goes on.

When I was very young, maybe until the age of seven or eight, I thought success was as simple as keeping people from being angry with me, and from hurting me. I remember adults were big people, and some were unfriendly and didn't like children. My success goal then was to feel safe. I wasn't concerned with anything else, other than feeling safe. The world was dangerous.

Later, I felt successful when I was accepted by my playmates and classmates in school. I felt I was successful if I were chosen first or almost first on a team, when sides were chosen. When I was chosen last, I felt unsuccessful, and discredited.

During the school years, success took many turns and twists. In that small cosmos of a compressed education environment success, at one moment, changed to despair in the next moment. A good grade on a test or homework would instantly be shattered when I had to say something in class. My inability to perform that task made me a failure. My only success, at those times, was to avoid that terrifying situation.

Of course, my level of success during those early ages wasn't judged by society. Society doesn't pass that judgment until later in life. Although I felt I was failing at that time, I knew I still had time to be judged successful. That uncovers another question in the success process. When is a person determined to be successful or unsuccessful? Is it at age twenty, forty or sixty? I was still waiting to be successful, but I didn't know when that decision would be made.

Finally, as I began to overcome my speech problem, I began to feel successful. As I discussed earlier, I also began to understand how I had overcome that problem, and how I had been successful in other ways at the same time. My ability to feel good about myself also made me feel successful. I had overcome the thing in life that I had most wanted to overcome. I freed myself from my great humiliation. I was successful.

So, was that it? Was that the time I should be judged successful or unsuccessful? I still couldn't answer that question. I had been successful at reaching my most important goal, now could I just put a check mark in the success column and go fishing and never be heard from again? What happens next?

Perhaps this is a clue to help determine the answer to: what is success? It's important to answer this question, for if a person understands the definition of success, that person is more likely to understand when it's reached. That understanding removes the fear, apprehension and frustration and allows a person to move forward to the next level, without self doubt or self criticism.

Although we speak of success as being a finite or fixed quality, it really has two dimensions; and, those two dimensions aren't fixed. They are variable and flexible. Those two dimensions of success are those upon which we judge ourselves, and those upon which we perceive others judge us. Happiness is often determined by our concern of others who judge us rather than by how we judge ourselves, regarding our success. Nevertheless, both dimensions are important.

Society must have certain norms and expectations to maintain itself. Those norms and expectations place responsibilities upon each individual in that society to perform specific tasks to make that society work, exist and prosper. The achievement of those bits and pieces, those individual task responsibilities, is regarded as success by the society that depends upon that level of individual performance. When individuals do those things society expects them to do, to maintain that society, those individuals are regarded as successful by that society.

Our society considers people who have jobs, pay taxes, live in a comfortable home and own at least an average looking automobile as successful. Even those who don't pay taxes are considered successful if their tax advantage helps create more jobs or more opportunities for someone else. Society doesn't consider successful those who refuse to respect that society, draw welfare checks, refuse to be accountable for their actions, or otherwise disregard the other expected norms of society. Those reputed to uphold the positive interests of society are judged by society to have a good 'reputation.' They are successful.

Many, however, who reach that acceptable level of success that's considered good by society never, themselves, feel personally successful, happy and fulfilled. What's the antithesis? What causes this internal conflict? Why are some poor people happy and why are some rich people so unhappy they commit suicide? To understand the answers to these questions we must consider some concepts that were explained in the mid 1940s by a recognized motivationist and behaviorist, Abraham Maslow.

Abraham Maslow developed a motivation theory titled the Hierarchy of Needs. In this theory, Maslow suggested people do things, they become motivated, and to fulfill certain needs. He further theorized these needs were aligned in a certain order from the basic needs to the highest needs.

He presented these needs, in ascending order, as: physiological needs, safety needs, belonging needs, esteem needs and self actualization needs. He also stated that a higher order need would not become active to create motivation to fulfill that higher order need until the lower order needs had been fulfilled, or essentially fulfilled. For example, a person ordinarily wouldn't be concerned about love and affection, the belonging need; if that person were starving, the physiological need. Another example is that a person wouldn't be driven by the esteem need until that person became part of a group that would recognize and appreciate that esteem. So, how does Maslow's theory affect success and happiness?

Maslow's theory also explains that when a person fails to fulfill a need, the pressing need at that time, that person becomes frustrated. The reaction to that frustration creates defensive behavior. That defensive behavior becomes aggression, depression, withdrawal, displacement, rationalization, substitution and many other traits that would identify an unhappy person. Perhaps Maslow's theory helps to explain not only the unhappiness of individuals, but also the growing despair of our country, as a whole.

Illiteracy, crime, welfare and apathy are major topics of discussion in the news media as well as during most casual gatherings of ordinary people. These topics have replaced the old reliable social topics of 'the weather and the children.'

Isn't it possible that the lack of anticipating a good future causes many people in our society to react negatively from despair and frustration? Marketing and advertising schemes in our country tend to convince many in our society there are certain things they must have to be normal - to be accepted - to belong to our society.

Television and flashy color magazine advertisements convince me that I'm not really a normal person with normal and average abilities. To be normal, according to those media, I must drive a BMW on weekdays and a Mercedes on alternate weekends. During the other weekends, I should be on vacation in either Bermuda or Hawaii. When I'm in town, I should have a chauffeured limousine. I shouldn't be seen anywhere without the most expensive designer jeans and at least ten pounds of gold hanging from around my neck or wrapped around my fingers. Of course, to show normal importance and average sex appeal, I should also be accompanied, at all times, by at least two girls who look like Barbie. My home should be a minimum of five thousand square feet, perched on a cliff in Monterey Bay, overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I should have an unlimited supply of money so I don't have to work. I should just be a 'man-about-town' taking care of pleasures of the moment.

I just don't have all these things; and society tells me I should. Oh, woe is me - I'm just a failure. There's no use even to try to be normal. I will just withdraw and let society take care of me, or I will become hostile and aggressive and go take it any way I can.

Many in our society are influenced by these constant reminders that convince them they should have these things, now, to belong to society and to be important. Most people rationalize that lifestyle might be nice, but it's not likely to occur for them. For those it doesn't become a personal need. For others, that lifestyle becomes a need that drives some action and reaction. Often that action is normal reaction to their frustration. Some withdraw in apathy, and others become aggressive and hostile in their attempts to reach that level they perceive as normal. They don't feel successful until they fulfill that imagined need.

Most of us, however, are focused on more practical things, those needs we feel are within our abilities to fulfill, or those needs upon which we focus most of our thought. For most of my lifetime I thought my practical need was simply to be able to talk, without being embarrassed by stuttering. I didn't understand then that my real need was to have a feeling of belonging and respect. My stuttering was a barrier that frustrated that need. I was focused on the barrier, or the problem, not the need. Yes, it was frustrating.

Practical needs of other normal people include: a comfortable home, a satisfactory job environment, fair pay, a reliable automobile, a caring home life, good friends and respect. These things compare very closely with those needs described in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Theory. Many who have these normal needs, too, often become focused on the barrier, or the problem, not the need, itself. For example, a worker who wants more pay often blames the boss, or the job, for not allowing more pay. Instead, that person should plan a course of action to place himself or herself in a place that pays that desired level of pay.

Some people who need more respect often demand it by proclaiming how great they are; they become self focused. Respect is ordinarily granted by other people when it's earned.

One doesn't have to develop a complicated research plan to determine one's active need or needs at any moment. But, many people allow themselves to become frustrated and unhappy because they don't acknowledge that need, or they don't take the first step to fulfill that need. The need must be acknowledged before goals may be determined to fulfill it. Goals become the building blocks and the stepping stones to fulfill those important needs. Those who are never successful and happy are that way primarily because they never identify those individual parts, those stones and those blocks.

In my earlier years, I had difficulty visualizing myself as becoming successful. I imagined success as something far away that I couldn't see or reach. I knew it was there, and I knew it was reachable, but I just couldn't see it for myself. This concept is similar to situations I encountered as a child.

While I lived on that small farm, surrounded by pastures, fields, streams and woods, I knew that far away; past the railroad tracks, past the stream, past the pasture and past the woods there was a pond large enough to catch big fish. The pond was called Nicholson's pond because it was owned by Hershel Nicholson. Mr. Nicholson owned the dry cleaning store in town. Some parts of that pond were over six feet deep. I couldn't see it but I knew it was there. I wanted to go there someday to fish, but it seemed too far away.

One day I was fishing in the creek that ran through the pasture near our house. I kept going further up the creek to find better places to fish. There were little paths to follow along the creek, and throughout the pasture. These little paths were the safe places to walk because it was easier to see snakes if they were on those paths. Since the pasture included a little marsh near the swamp, each step had to be carefully planned. I don't remember ever wearing shoes in the summer months, except to school and church. Those little paths were shared by rabbits, fox, raccoon and possum that owned that territory.

When I got to the end of the creek that disappeared into the darker swamp on the other side of a barbed-wire fence, I followed the fence line to the edge of the sagebrush patch that was on slightly higher ground. There was a clean path to follow along the fence line that ran northward. A patch of sagebrush about fifty yards wide was between the end of the fence line and the woods, further northward.

An old oak shack was in the middle of the sagebrush patch. I couldn't tell if it was an old sharecropper home, a tool house or just a casual storage shed. It was old. Had it not been made of oak it would have collapsed years ago. It was probably standing there when Union troops marched by during the Civil War. It was on a line between Vicksburg and Montgomery and nearby was a railroad with some of the old twisted rails, partially buried in dirt and grass. This was near the creek in the Watkins's pasture on a direct line between our old house and the Watkins's house on the rise on the other side of the creek. I wondered what might have happened in that shack further up the creek if Union troops really did come by at that time. I stayed away from that shack because I knew it would be a haven for wasps and snakes. It's probably there, still today.

A clear stand of pine trees began suddenly as the sagebrush ended. The limbs of the trees were all high on the trees, and the ground under the trees was covered with a clean carpet of pine needles. My compelling thought was that this would be a great place for a picnic. After about two hundred yards into the pines, younger pines became mixed with other trees, such as oak, sweet gum, elm and cedar. Huckleberry bushes and blackberry vines also tucked themselves in disarray under the mixed family of trees. This was early in the spring and the huckleberries and blackberries weren't ripe yet. This is the same place where I later jerked my leg just in time from the path of a striking copperhead.

I continued on into the thick woods, following the largest branch of the maze of little paths. Like roads and highways, the main artery is always the widest path. After about another half mile into the thickest woods, I heard the trickling sound of a creek, so I carefully made my way through the woods to that sound. The water was running from a culvert that crossed underneath a dirt road. When I got closer to the trickling water escaping from the pipe, I saw the pond on the other side of the road. I knew it must be Nicholson's pond. I was there where the big fish were.

I fished in Nicholson's pond that day. Though, I can't remember if I caught any of those big fish. I do remember, however, that I was surprised as I looked through the clearing in the thick woods and saw Nicholson's pond, in full beautiful view, just across the dirt road. It was the same dirt road that circled about three miles back to my house, on the other side of the woods, the pines, the sagebrush, the pasture, the creek and the field.

That trip to Nicholson's pond reminds me of other trips I've taken to experience and accomplish different things. I realize the things I've accomplished, the things of which I am most proud, happened because I took little trips, and I experienced different situations that required decisions along the way while taking those trips. But, how are these trips and Nicholson's pond related to success, goals and needs?

I needed to go to Nicholson's pond. I needed to go there because I felt I could catch some bigger fish there. Bigger fish would impress someone, and I would feel more important. It was embarrassing always to return from a fishing trip to the creek with a couple of three-inch perch, a six-inch catfish and half a dozen crawfish. Other people caught bigger fish. I needed to catch bigger fish to satisfy my belonging and esteem needs. By understanding about fishing I learned to associate needs with goals, and to realize how they are related, but separate.

Needs and goals are not the same. Those who don't understand this relationship often fail to find success and happiness. This lack of understanding might be the greatest source of defeat and despair for many people.

According to motivationists and behaviorists, needs are those things that drive us, or coax us, to some action. Needs inspire the motivation. The action is to achieve a goal, or to reach a goal, that will fulfill that need. This concept is not as complicated as it first seems. Simply, needs are immeasurable physical or psychological thirsts that must be satisfied. Goals are measurable things that somewhat satisfy those thirsts.

Those five needs Maslow identified are not things, they are thirsts, or desires; and, they are not measurable. Can you imagine planning to fulfill fifty percent of the safety need, or thirty percent of the belonging need? Perhaps only seventy percent of the esteem need would suffice, but would it? Needs are not measurable, and they influence one's thoughts until they diminish themselves, and allow one's thoughts to focus on another need, usually in the higher order. One can't do anything to fulfill a need without reaching a goal that will fulfill that need. The goal is the focus of action and activity. The need is the focus of the drive and desire.

When I knew I had to go to Nicholson's pond, arriving at the pond was my goal. I didn't need to go to that pond. I did, however, need to feel I belonged to the group that went to Nicholson's pond, and I needed to feel I was important enough to be there. I reached my goal, I arrived at the pond. I fulfilled those two needs, at that time. I belonged to the group who knew the pond, and I was important because I found it by myself.

My trip to that goal, to that pond, also taught me other things about goals. One must take steps to reach goals. Sometimes there are only a few steps, and at other times there might be many steps. Nevertheless, one must take steps. And, each of those steps is a separate smaller goal.

As I followed the little animal path beside the creek to the fence line I concentrated on staying on the path, and on the right path, until I got to the fence line. When I got to the fence line, I had reached that goal of getting to the fence line. Then I turned northward and followed the fence line to the end, at the corner. Here, I completed another goal. When I crossed the sagebrush patch, without getting lost, I had completed another goal. My next goal was to get through the woods without getting lost, or without being harmed. I kept reaching those little goals until I arrived at my major goal that would satisfy my need, at that time.

That's the same process I performed even while I lived in fear of ridicule and humiliation as a stutterer. Although I had problems along the way, that didn't stop me from taking those little steps, from accomplishing those little goals that are steps to the big goals. And, those problems are always there in the path to reaching goals. The copperhead snake was there, waiting to strike at me, but it didn't at that time. I was embarrassed and humiliated by my stuttering, and I feared the vicious fangs of despair but the bite was never deep enough to halt my next step. I kept taking the next step. I didn't become frozen with fright or indecision.

Those who succeed, and who are usually happy, do so simply because they understand goals. Ordinarily, they are no smarter, or more intelligent, than those who never experience happiness through success. They assign their goals, they visualize them, and they stay on the right path until they reach them. They know the disappointments and dangerous snakes are there in the trail, but they continue to take the next step. They know failure to take the next step forward toward their goal is the same as taking a step backward toward failure.

Most fail to reach their goals, not because they can't reach their goals, but for a reason far more fundamental. They fail to reach their goals simply because they never decide what their goals are. They wander, aimlessly, hoping to stumble across a goal they don't know how to identify. They wait to select success from that silver tray of alternatives. That silver tray never arrives.

One step, two steps or three steps toward a clearly identifiable goal often lead to even higher success than the person who takes those steps plans. My first significant career goal was to join the Air Force to have a stable job, and to earn enough money to survive financially. My first goal to reach that status was to complete an application for entry into the Air Force. If I had never completed the application form, I would have never been considered for acceptance into the Air Force.

My next major goal toward further success was to complete a college course. To complete that course, I first had to submit an application. My next little goals along the way were to attend class, one at a time, and study enough to pass the course. Taking the next step to complete the next goal - that was clear - became a habit for me. The next goal and the next step began to assign themselves. I only had to follow along with the program. Eventually, I had far surpassed my original major goal. I was a retired Air Force major.

A first goal or the next goal might seem ridiculously simple to some, but it's the most important goal each time. This is the most important step at which those who never reach goals fail to reach those goals. Those who think the first step or the next step is too simple and too insignificant to take will continue to succeed at failing.

Those who see the next goal as the gateway to success, and those who dare open that gate to accomplish the next goal, will reach their success goals. Goals create success, they don't create failure. Those little trails, those little paths, don't lead to failure unless a person turns around and moves backward. Before they open the first gate, however, they must know what the success goal is that will satisfy their need. If they never identify that goal, they will never be successful, they will never be happy and they will never fulfill those needs.

### Chapter 9

Sharing

### Filling Greater Needs

I give because I must; I share because I care.

We can never be truly happy until we fulfill that highest need, self actualization. This is the concept described by Abraham Maslow in his Hierarchy of Needs Theory. By understanding the relationship between success and happiness, we also know success and happiness go hand-in-hand. This suggests it's important for anyone who wants to be successful to reach this highest achievement in the need hierarchy.

No matter how successful I might have become, in the view of others, I would never have considered myself successful if I had not overcome my stuttering problem. I doubt if anyone has ever met a happy stutterer, unless that stutterer enjoyed being a captive of himself. But, how did my stuttering problem influence my feeling of self fulfillment and happiness?

What is self actualization, or self fulfillment, as it might also be called? It's been described as having fulfilled, or basically fulfilled, all the other needs and then focusing on those things that create enjoyment, just for the sake of doing those things. This sounds a little like retirement doesn't it? That's not really what it means. Many people who are retired still are not happy because they never filled their need for self actualization. They still need to do something important with their lives. Until they do, they will not be satisfied with themselves, and they will not be happy. They will still be driven to fulfill another higher order need.

Attempts to define self actualization, or self fulfillment, never completely explain that condition. I'm not sure it can be fully explained, since it's an internal feeling, and it's more distant from common activity in our daily lives than are the other drives. The drive to fulfill the other needs is obvious and superficial. We know when we are hungry and thirsty, we know when we are ignored and rejected, and we know when we don't feel important. We don't even have to think about these needs. We know when they exist, and we can decide to take some action to fulfill them or we can remain frustrated because these needs are not fulfilled. We can even make good excuses why we choose not to fulfill these fundamental human needs. Self fulfillment is different.

Perhaps self fulfillment, self actualization, is a special need that has different characteristics than the other needs identified by Maslow. Perhaps it's a dormant need that's not activated until one chooses to activate it. It might become a motivating force only when one finds it. I didn't understand that feeling until I reached it. I'm still not sure it's self fulfillment, but I know it's a feeling that reaches beyond the feelings of the other needs and motivations.

When I began volunteering to work in local clubs and organizations, my reason was the same for which most others volunteer to do community work. It was to fulfill my needs of belonging and importance. Of course, I hoped my efforts would also help someone along the way. Most other volunteers I've known belong to civic groups and organizations for the same reasons. Although most argue their reason for volunteering is to help someone, they also almost always admit it makes them 'feel good. It's an important job that needs to be done.' It helps them feel important.

Others who volunteer to help their communities, through civic work, are less subtle. Their employers pay them for that volunteer time, and they conspicuously display their employer's name during their civic activity. These employer sponsored situations add the lower level physiological need to volunteerism. Those employees do it because it's part of their duty to their employer. It's their job which provides money to fulfill their physical needs. Their job is to publicize their employer to convince the public their employer cares for the community. Otherwise, it's known as good promotion, marketing and advertising. Although the reason for their community involvement is not for self fulfillment their contributions are, nevertheless, usually helpful for a community. However, it's not the result of the action we are considering here. It's the reason for the drive or the motivation to take the action. Is the reason to fulfill a physiological need, a belonging need, an ego need or a self-fulfillment need?

Until recently, maybe the past four or five years, I wasn't interested in being a volunteer to do civic 'do-gooders' work. I probably would have helped if someone had asked, but nobody ever asked and I didn't know how to volunteer to get involved. Furthermore, I felt that most of the people who did that work were people with long ties to the community, with a loyal following of friends and relatives. I also felt that most of the volunteer work was done primarily by managers and employees of commercial businesses as a method to promote their businesses. Most 'volunteers' whose pictures appeared in newspapers were identified by their company name. I wasn't a long term resident of any community, so I didn't understand the volunteer system.

About four years ago, after I had been gone from my salaried job for about a year, I decided to get involved with my local community to become known, to promote my activity as a management consultant and trainer. I joined the local business association that I discussed earlier; and shortly afterwards I joined the local Optimist Club.

I observed the main purpose for being a member of that business association was to be recognized by the community as belonging to the 'accepted group' and hopefully to network with other members for business. I also observed there were three levels of activity by those members. One level was comprised of members who joined because they felt they had to, to be accepted by the community. This first level included about ninety-five percent of the members.

The second level was comprised of the 'in' group. These were the members who were the founding fathers of the community and those members whose names were often publicized in newspapers. This two or three percent kept themselves in the leadership positions of the organization. Those leadership positions represented some form of imbued power they didn't want to relinquish. Those leadership positions also gave those members free publicity for their businesses.

The third level of membership included those who were usually the only members who volunteered to help with activity projects. This group was comprised of the remaining two or three percent.

I volunteered to edit the newsletter and other publicity articles for the organization, since that was a relatively easy task for me. When I volunteered to edit the newsletter, I didn't understand the system of volunteering. I didn't know that job gave me some status that insulted the status of some of the formal leaders of the organization. I learned later that to maintain my place, and to maintain harmony, I should have become an assistant to one of those more endowed leaders who should have had the title of Editor. I went beyond my allowed limits as a volunteer. That later developed into a serious controversy when, as a new director on the board, I attempted to persuade the leadership of the organization to comply with its bylaws. I explained this controversy in a previous chapter.

About that same time I also formed a civic group called the 'Friends of Education.' The goals of this group were to provide school supplies to children of poor families when they needed help, to provide training items to help Head Start schools, and to help in other areas of literacy outside the formal education system. Another goal was to help teachers get classroom supplies that were not allowed to be purchased by normal school funds.

These were the goals of the Friends of Education organization, itself. However, there was another purpose for forming the Friends of Education. I had been in the local Optimist Club for about a year. During that time three presidents of the club had resigned, apparently because most members had no interest in club participation or growth. I was asked to become the club president. When I accepted, I knew a new and different catalyst must be offered to spark some interest and enthusiasm. The purpose for forming Friends of Education was to create that spark. The new organization offered alternatives for members. The membership fee was small, and those members weren't asked to participate in formal activities normally associated with Optimist Clubs. Fundamentally, Friends of Education was a support group for our Optimist Club. It created more activity and visibility. We grew to over 150 members.

When we introduced our organization and our goals to the community we were verbally attacked by another county organization. It was a formal organization the name of which I shouldn't mention. We didn't even know they existed until after we had formed our organization. Nevertheless, leaders of that organization charged us, openly, with duplicating their efforts in that responsibility. They also suggested we should not exist. Even after I attended one of their meetings to explain the purpose for Friends of Education, which was clearly different from theirs, their organization still refused to acknowledge we had a purpose for existing. Our goal was to offer hand-to-hand support. Their goal was to submit proposals to improve education concepts.

The first evaluation of our program to directly encourage students to make better grades was very positive. This is an excerpt from an article in the local newspaper that published the results of the first evaluation at one of the schools that had accepted our SaYes program. It's titled, Educational Program Shows Positive Results at SJHS:

"After only six weeks, results include: the overall average grade increased 5.14 points for program students, 41 students improved their grades, 47.6 percent of the students improved their grades, one student improved by 16.6 points and 5 students who were failing are now passing. The new program is titled SaYes, which stand for study attitudes yield education success."

These were the only official results we received from a school. Our program was interrupted by Bill Clinton's education program to improve the quality of teachers in America. That program was titled, Expanding Education Opportunities. That program which took the focus away from student's involvement to teacher enhancement. Later, schools didn't have time for our program and it was abandoned; never to be measured again. Whatever happened to President George H. W. Bush's idea of 'a thousand points of light?'

As a new civic volunteer, I was learning the meaning of the term turf protection. I also learned, quickly, how vicious and personal it gets. Influential members of both formal organizations were also influential leaders and financial supporters of another county literacy organization, of which I was president elect. Those who were not directly connected with that organization had relatives and close business associates who were involved with that organization's leadership. They had me removed from that position before I assumed the elected position of president.

That very useful literacy organization, comprised of volunteers who helped adults learn how to read, basic reading, was eliminated a few months later. It was a very personal endeavor that required close trust between a teacher and the student. Those students had to really trust the volunteers because adults who can't read find it difficult to seek help. They are very reluctant and often embarrassed to admit they can't read. My wife, Marie, was a volunteer in that organization for several years to help those desperate adults.

Although I was relieved to lose some of those responsibilities I felt, I was disappointed in two ways. First, the establishment had proved, again, that changes will occur only at the pace and in the method they choose. Secondly, I was saddened by the misplaced focus of those respected community leaders. Their focus was on power and control of a community, not on fulfilling the purposes and goals identified in the charters they served.

I wondered, after my dismissal, who would have the honest interest and the courage to actively and openly promote the purpose for that literacy organization. About twenty percent of the people in our community cannot read effectively. They need help, and the purpose of the literacy organization is to find them and encourage them to help themselves and to offer that help. Under the close watch of those who will not allow community change without their approval, I wondered who would ever have the courage to fulfill the responsibilities written in their civic charters.

These situations and these questions were rich with examples that explain why so many of the problems in our society are never solved. Our society has many talented people who are capable of solving most of our problems. Yet, our horrible problems of poverty, welfare abuse, crime and declining health care never get solved. They can be solved, but why aren't they?

My good friend John Patton, who was with me in these activities at that time, gives a visual and simple example of the reason we never solve our serious social problems. He said, "It's like a crawfish trying to escape from a bucket of crawfish. When one crawfish gets near the top of that bucket to freedom, the other crawfish pull him back in."

We have this same problem in society. When one crawfish gets too near the answer, without including the other crawfish, they rein him in to keep their power and their control. Perhaps the big descriptive word that describes this situation is 'jealousy.'

I realize the conditions and examples I have been describing and explaining give a somewhat negative view toward volunteering to do community service work. Hopefully, similar conditions don't exist everywhere. It's possible I had the misfortune to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe most volunteer work in most communities is respected and appreciated. On the other hand, it's more likely the same or similar conditions exist in most communities, since human emotions, drives and needs are basically the same everywhere. Everyone needs to feel important. When someone else achieves that perceived status first, the normal defensive reaction of others who desire that importance is jealousy. Jealousy is as normal as a defensive reaction of rationalization or aggression.

I must also realize that I might be guilty of the same actions, motives and emotions as those others I criticize. Perhaps the goals of my volunteer work are not as important as I perceive them to be. Perhaps the efforts and intentions of others are more honorable and worthy than I admit. There's no impartial umpire standing on the sidelines to make that judgment call. Is it fair to say all volunteer work and efforts are worthwhile, regardless of the reasons for those efforts?

These real experiences are examples that demonstrate negative things that can happen, even when one volunteers to share time and effort to benefit others. Any action creates a reaction, and the reaction is not always positive. Except in unusual cases, a person must be active to share. And, a person must share to ever reach a feeling of fulfillment.

My experiences have taught me that sharing through a feeling of real concern for others is not only helpful to those who are the objects of that sharing; it's also necessary for those who share. Sharing of oneself for a real need allows one's character to grow. It's the growth and development of this personal character that allows one to earn a higher feeling of self worth. One cannot fulfill the need for self actualization without going through the door of self worth. That door must be large enough to go through, and the only way to make it large enough is to share oneself. Some sharing allows one to open the door to self fulfillment and some sharing does nothing to enhance one's feeling of self worth.

Some sharing is performed as an act of compliance or necessity, and sometime that's done through intimidation. Compliance sharing, that which is done through threat, intimidation or uncertainty, cannot help create or enhance one's entry into comfort and happiness of self fulfillment. That sharing must be voluntary and personal, otherwise there's no emotional involvement in that spirit of sharing. It's the emotional involvement that must touch one's soul. Sharing has a far different meaning than giving.

Perhaps one of the greatest examples that demonstrates the difference between the concepts of sharing and giving, as it relates to fulfillment, is the United Way Agency. Although funds collected by the United Way probably help many people, there's no emotional sharing a contributor can derive from that giving. The contribution to United Way becomes an impersonal donation; it's not sharing.

Contributions to United Way often are forced. They aren't always freely given, with a feeling of sharing. My introduction to this concept was after I had first joined the Air Force as soon as I graduated from high school.

When I was a young enlisted Airman, many years ago, all the personnel in my work department were forced to listen to a speech by the administrative officer or a representative from United Way, asking for donations to their annual campaign. They also presented a chart to show what each person should give as their 'fair share.' Early in my career, my pay was only fifty-six dollars a month; consequently, it was hard for me to understand their concept of 'fair.' My work department was evaluated on its level of 'fair share' donations, as well as each level of hierarchy up the chain of command. The supervisors, managers and commanders at each level of that hierarchy were always very clear that they expected their organizations to contribute their fair share.

As a young Airman, I suspected the success of their United Way campaigns was noted on their military performance reports. Of course, I was just a young Airman; what did I know?

When I became a young officer, I occasionally had to conduct the organization's United Way campaign. During these times, I was always told by the higher level United Way coordinator that we must meet our designated United Way goal or, "the commander wouldn't look good." Having the normal pressure of being a young aspiring officer, I always tried to meet our goal. That goal, however, had nothing to do with the concept of

sharing. That goal was more associated with compliance.

After I retired from the Air Force, I worked in civilian industry for ten years. I saw and felt the same pressures to support United Way in civilian industry as I had experienced during my military career. The same pressures were used down through each level of the chain of command to 'meet their goals.' At that time I was in a management level, but I never allowed myself to be part of those high pressure campaigns. I never felt I had a right to tell other people what they must do with their wages and salaries.

In both situations the emphasis of the United Way campaigns was the same. The emphasis was not on real sharing and helping others who need help. The emphasis of all United Way campaigns I have observed is to keep the boss from 'looking bad.' Furthermore, I have never heard United Way representatives discourage that approach.

I always wondered how and why one organization, that had no designated civic cause, had so much influence and power. Recently, I learned part of the answer. It was a common answer to many problem situations - greed.

On April 4, 1995, an article by Bill Miller of the Washington Post stated, "William Aramony, who built the United Way into the nation's most successful charity, was convicted Monday of recklessly using contributors' money to support a playboy lifestyle of luxury, travel, fancy restaurants and young girlfriends. Aramony, 67, who headed the United Way of America for 22 years before resigning in disgrace in 1992, was convicted of 25 felony counts, including charges of conspiracy, fraud, money laundering and filing false tax returns." That article also stated that Aramony was making $390,000 a year when he resigned from United Way.

Giving under certain conditions, such as those promoted by United Way, might help some feel they have contributed to the society to which they belong. This often fulfills the sense of duty, or the need to belong, or even the need to feel important. Some community agencies and civic groups give plaques and certificates to donors who give designated amounts that qualify them for those tokens of recognition. These visual awards help fulfill ego and esteem needs of the donor, but they make no contribution toward self fulfillment needs. Acts of self fulfillment need no visual or verbal support. These are things a person does because they need to be done. They are internally driven, and need no external displays or recognition.

Sharing is the thing one gives from the heart. A rich person might share by giving money to a cause he or she believes is necessary. An artist might share by donating art work to someone whose life will be enriched by that art work. A teacher might share by taking time to read to a group of at-risk children. A government official might share by helping someone for reasons other than to be elected or reelected. A mother might share by encouraging a neglected child. A child might share by occasionally saying, "Thanks, Mom and Dad."

Sharing and caring often happens in such unusual ways that one can't understand the events as they occur. Sometimes when situations appear to be at their worst, they might be developing into situations that not only allow new opportunities, but actually force those new opportunities to occur. A recent event reminds me of this point.

After I retired from the Air Force at the Defense Depot in Tracy, California, I was hired as a distribution center manager for a large security system company in a small distribution center in Hayward, California. When the company consolidated its five distribution centers into three locations, I transferred to the center in Arkansas, to be the manager there. Later, the company consolidated its distribution function into one distribution center in Memphis, Tennessee. I was transferred to Memphis to be the manager of that one remaining distribution center. At that time I had been working for the company about nine years.

The company wanted to begin the new distribution center without a unionized workforce. I agreed with that decision, because I felt we needed more control over working conditions and we needed more flexibility until the new facility became fully operational and stable. Any union interruption would have jeopardized our service to our profit centers and our customers, because it was the only distribution shipping point to all the company locations in the United States, and some overseas areas.

We staffed the distribution center with temporary employees from a local temporary employment agency. Those employees worked for the temporary agency, not for our company. To encourage those employees to be effective and conscientious workers, I told them that if they performed as regular outstanding workers, and if the distribution center developed quickly to provide the service the company expected, I would try to hire them as permanent employees. The company had planned to hire permanent employees after the center operations became routine and stable.

Those workers, about fifty in all, became highly effective and productive workers. Within ninety days, the distribution center was functioning routinely; and, in about six months it was functioning even better. Those temporary workers had become loyal and effective, and they had accomplished what I had asked them to accomplish. I was obligated to offer them some security with a permanent job. I knew the company planned to replace the temporary positions with permanent positions.

After the central distribution center had been functioning about nine months, the company decided to fill the positions with permanent workers. In preparation for that change the vice president to whom I reported visited my location from his office in New Jersey. He walked through the center then came into my office and closed the office door. Then he told me that we must expedite our plans to hire some new permanent workers because the workers I had "didn't look like good employees."

He further suggested they were probably all on drugs and they were probably "pilfering too many items from the warehouse." Those were not the workers I knew and recognized. I knew many hard-working Black people in that distribution center who were struggling for their first real opportunity to prove they could do a good job - and they trusted that I would be fair and honest. I found it difficult to understand why he would say those unskilled workers who trained themselves to become skilled and dedicated workers did not "look like good employees." I had always evaluated them by the quality of their hearts and the productivity of their efforts.

Our different views on the quality of personnel, and my obligation to 'do what's right' evolved into an uncomfortable confrontation. That vice president directed his personnel manager to advertise job vacancies and schedule job interviews with personnel other than those already employed. After those interviews were conducted, and after the personnel manager suggested employees I should hire, I refused to hire those new employees. I also refused to fire the employees who were working, as I was also instructed to do by that same vice president. I knew then that my life was at a new crossroads.

I knew my life would change in some way I did not anticipate. I knew I would eventually lose the confrontation, because a company can't afford to support a lower level manager against a higher level manager. That's just not done. It doesn't matter who's wrong or who's right. I knew that. A senior manager also has other ways to force his will upon a junior manager. Pressure tactics may be applied from any source and at any time.

My options were limited at that time. I had only three. One was to 'be a good soldier' and comply with my orders to replace those workers. One was to report my company for violating equal opportunity laws. And, one was to resign from my job.

I knew I couldn't be a good soldier because I had too much respect for myself to participate in such an atrocity. I didn't want to cause problems for the company because, until then, I had enjoyed my relationship with the company. It had been a good opportunity for me for ten years. I didn't want to resign because I would be walking away from a salary of about $50,000 a year. And, at that time jobs were difficult to find because the idea of 'downsizing' had just become popular.

Although I knew my life would be different, I knew the only decision I could make was to resign. With my resignation, the company would be forced to keep the workers who were there, because I wouldn't be there to train new workers. I knew the workers who were there, already in those jobs, certainly would not volunteer to train someone new to take their places. Although I feared the consequences of my decision, I resigned. I knew, above all, that I had to live with myself and I had to respect myself.

I had no choice; I had to be fair to those workers. My promise to them was my responsibility. Most of those workers became permanent employees before I left the company. I never hired any from the list offered to me by the personnel department.

What happened to me? I never found a replacement job. I lost that $50,000 salary.

That sharing, however, was my greatest blessing. I learned I can live comfortably with my Air Force retirement income plus investments I had made through the company. I also realized I had been blessed to be in a position to make the decision to walk away from that income. I became aware that most people would like to be in my same situation - to be able to retire at age 51. The greatest gift that decision gave me, though, was time to do important things I had never been able to do before. I became an active full-time community volunteer, I became a management and motivation consultant, and I have time to write. I didn't know my great fear of losing financial security would become my greatest source of self fulfillment.

What happened to those employees who kept their promise to me to make the distribution center successful? They kept their jobs, and many of them earned promotions inside the company and outside the company. Sharing can take many strange forms under most unusual and unlikely circumstances. You just never know.

Sharing creates emotional and psychological power because it multiplies itself from the energy one uses in sharing. When one person shares with another, that person places a checkmark on the list of 'things to do' of a human being. This list is recorded in Life's Book. A person can never feel complete until this check mark is entered.

The person who receives that sharing, likewise, fills a purpose of being an object to whom one may share. This person may also record a check mark for allowing another that opportunity to share. When these two check marks are entered they create energy that lights the way for others to find the power of sharing. It allows others the opportunity to find happiness through self fulfillment.

It was by accident I learned the power of sharing. The more time and emphasis I took from myself to help others, and the less I thought about my problem, the more I liked myself. I learned that the more I liked myself, the more I overcame my stuttering problem. Now, I still stutter occasionally, but I have no stuttering problem. A stutterer would understand that difference. Others who share, even though they might have problems, also understand that difference.

Sharing is the key to self fulfillment. It's the only key to self fulfillment.

### Chapter 10

Obstacles

### Alternatives to Nowhere

I can go faster when my right foot is not

standing on my left foot.

Success is simply the natural process of taking the next step toward a goal, one step at a time. It's that simple. Success and happiness aren't that complicated. Success aimed at the right goal ordinarily turns into happiness. Obstacles, however, often prevent that natural process from occurring. Failure occurs to a person when that person focuses and concentrates on the obstacle instead of the goal.

Obstacles exist in many forms. Although they may exist in many forms, most live in only one place, in one's mind \- in one's thoughts. Naturally, some obstacles are real. Even those who are handicapped by physical or mental disabilities often succeed in some manner; some even excel at their chosen goals beyond a level that seems possible. Most failure in our society is by people who have no reason to fail, other than by their choosing to succumb to their perceived obstacles that exist only within their imaginations. Let's look at a few of those obstacles to understand how they allow one to avoid the personal responsibility of reaching for success; success for themselves as well as success for our society.

Stuttering could have been my chosen obstacle to use as an excuse to achieve failure. And, there were many times I almost allowed myself to cling to that temptation. How easy it would have been to say, "Oh, woe is me. I stutter so I will never succeed. There's no need even to try to be successful." I could have probably got enough sympathy from society to draw a social disability check, some donations on a street corner, or food stamps. Or, perhaps I could have moved in with a welfare queen and watched the kids while she went from location to location collecting welfare checks. Although my stuttering was an uncomfortable burden it never made me lose focus on goals and qualities of life.

There were many success obstacles I could have chosen to avoid my natural success process. One I could have easily chosen was that I was poor. And, I was.

I remember how bright the electric light bulb was that hung in the middle of the dining room, when we finally got electricity in our home. I was twelve years old. Until then, I had to study and do my homework by the light from a kerosene lamp. In the winter, I could also read by the light from the fireplace in the center of the house. My mother washed clothes by boiling them in a big black kettle in the yard. The water for the kettle, as well as for everything else, came from a well. We drew the water from the well with a bucket, rope and pulley.

We also got indoor plumbing and an indoor bathroom at the same time. Since we had electricity, we also had an electric pump to draw water from the well. One nice advantage of having an indoor bathroom was that we had to use real toilet paper. Newspaper and catalog pages couldn't be used in an indoor toilet.

The most hurtful part of being poor is not having a positive journey path, but instead, having a darker journey path. People have been poor throughout history, and no doubt many will continue to be. A poor person wakes up in the morning, survives the day, goes to sleep, then wakes up and starts the next day. That's fundamentally the same cycle a rich person makes. The major difference is that a rich person has more alternatives during the waking hours, and more things to touch and admire during that time.

The most hurtful part of being poor, especially as a young child, is when other people separate that poor person from normal society with taunts, jeers, innuendo and facial expressions. And, there are many insensitive people who exploit their opportunity to make someone feel less important than themselves.

Even with many hurtful pains of being poor, I never lost the idea that I would someday be a regular person in society. When I was that young, I knew I had to keep a positive attitude to allow that to happen. Consequently, I didn't choose the reality that I was poor as my obstacle to avoid my success responsibility.

Another obstacle that forces someone to avoid the responsibility of success is peer pressure. Peer pressure is so harsh, so mean and so vicious that it must be labeled the 'success slayer.' Other success obstacles grow within a person's thoughts and hide within the crevasses of their mind. These obstacles could be considered excuses as well as obstacles to rationalize failure. Peer pressure is the only obstacle that actively forces itself upon a person. It's active and aggressive. I felt the evil sting of that success slayer as I struggled to learn how to feel like a normal person.

When I was very young I didn't have many friends or playmates. Nevertheless, I still remember a few occasions when one of those small friends or playmates used pressure; and, I probably did the same thing. That pressure begins when a child understands the concepts of 'I' and 'me' and the importance of the concepts of belonging and being accepted. I remember hearing, and probably using the words, "If you don't let me have that toy I won't play with you anymore." That pressure becomes even greater when the threat becomes, "We won't play with you anymore." A small child usually conforms to the pressure of more children. This is the fundamental beginnings of peer pressure. It grows even stronger as a person gets older.

Teenagers, ordinarily, are accused of being under the influence of the greatest negative peer pressure in our society. Of course, there is peer pressure within the ranks of teenagers, but most of that pressure is positive, or it has little negative influence upon a teenager's major decisions.

It's natural for a child who's trying to find his or her identity to want to feel part of humanity. The world of humanity for most teenagers is comprised mostly of other teenagers. Why should a teenager feel compelled to act like an adult when that teenager's world is teenagers? Probably most teenagers act like other teenagers because that's what they understand as being normal. And, at that age it is normal. Society expects people in that similar society to be normal.

Since teenagers are people, and want to appear normal, they are as vulnerable to peer pressure as are other people in our society. Even though I was a stutterer, and an outsider most of the time, I still faced some peer pressure. I remember when I would make a good grade, occasionally, in class, someone would ask, "Are you trying to make us look bad?" I was merely happy to make a good grade, occasionally. However, I always understood the innuendo of that question. It meant, "Don't make good grades, and be like the rest of us who don't make good grades." I also remember being asked a few times, "Do you think you are too good to go with us?" Obviously, this meant, "If you don't go with us we will consider you a snob and will ignore you in the future." Of course, there's the inevitable pressure to smoke cigarettes or drink beer, "Come on, have one, everybody else does."

Crew cut haircuts, black pants and long watch chains were popular when I was a teenager. Later Levi jeans and T-shirts became popular. I didn't have enough money to buy the popular styles, but I still felt the urge to have those things to feel normal in that teenage society. Even if I and all other teenagers had yielded to the pressure to get crew cuts, to have black pants, to wear Levi jeans and T-shirts nothing negative would have happened in society. It was a non-event.

Other peer pressure among teenagers was positive. I remember, very well, the strong peer pressure that guided girls to respect themselves as ladies; and that forced boys to show that respect to girls. In my four years of high school, there was only one girl who left school for a few months to 'visit distant relatives.' It was only an unconfirmed rumor that she was pregnant. The peer pressure, then, was certainly positive to prevent promiscuity and child births to unwed mothers. Now, in 1995, that respected social acknowledgment has begun to evaporate from a society that once honored its history and worshiped the Creator that guided the foundation of our wonderful and generous nation.

Throughout all these temptations and pressures I felt I always knew what was right and what was wrong. I always tried to avoid the wrong things. Since my mind was focused on being normal and successful, I couldn't understand doing something that would jeopardize that success. But, there are times when right and wrong become clouded and that rightness or wrongness becomes a judgment call by someone else who has an interest, such as a parent or a sibling.

On one occasion I remember perhaps going beyond the limits that are considered 'rightness.' Since it's an event that happened when I was about sixteen years old, I will try, unsuccessfully, to justify that act by using the concept, 'Boys will be boys.' It was probably more an act of mutual peer pressure.

A group of six boys, including myself, decided to camp out in the woods near a creek one Friday night. While we were beginning to gather wood for a campfire, someone mentioned that we should go to town, about two miles away, and steal some moonshine from the local bootlegger. I still remember his name but it probably wouldn't be appropriate to mention it here and now. He owned a little grocery store from which he was believed to sell more moonshine than groceries. The store was nothing more than a shack on a small intersection near town. It collapsed only a few years later. Since it seemed a fun thing to do and the risk seemed small we decided to do it. It wasn't likely a bootlegger would ask the police to look for someone who stole his moonshine.

Two of us remained at the camp to tend the fire and to protect the other items we had there at the camp. Since I was the 'different' person, I was the first chosen to remain at the camp. The four others left to do the 'fun' thing. I realized I was as involved in any bad consequences as the others who were actually doing the unlawful act - if it were an unlawful act. They were gone about two hours.

They returned with about five gallons of moonshine, in all sizes and shapes of bottles and jars. I remember some was in Mason canning jars and some was in bottles that had screw caps. My first thought was that moonshine should be in a regular whisky bottle. We couldn't wait to taste this moonshine to understand why it was so popular.

I understood very quickly why the common name and description of moonshine is 'white lightning' as soon as I took one small sip. As soon as it touched my lips my lips caught fire, and that fire raced down my chest into my stomach. It burned for about ten minutes.

The four who had taken the fun expedition had also taken some candy bars while they were in the store. We began eating the candy to stop the fire. After taking a few bites of the candy, we found they were infested with worms. We spent the rest of the night throwing the white lightning and the candy bars into the campfire. White lightning creates a large blaze on a campfire.

I wasn't worried about being reported for stealing the moonshine, but I was concerned about the candy. I knew there was no law against a store selling candy, even if the candy was infested with worms. To my knowledge, the bootlegger never reported the theft of his moonshine or his candy bars, although I worried about it for several weeks. There were never any rumors of the theft and the police never questioned any of us. It was a small town and the police always knew about anyone, especially boys, who were doing something different. I think all the mothers in the area kept the police informed when something looked different or out of place.

This was my most severe case of peer pressure I can remember, although I'm not sure it was clear and targeted peer pressure. Ordinarily peer pressure is regarded as pressure against someone to do something they wouldn't ordinarily do, or that they wouldn't ordinarily consider doing by themselves. This is a good example, however, of 'going along' with the group, which is itself a form of peer pressure.

We hear people, today, accuse teenagers of being so vulnerable, so morally weak, and of succumbing so easily to peer pressure. I don't believe that. I don't believe teenagers are any weaker or more vulnerable today than when I was a teenager. Our problem with teenage attitudes and actions, today, if they are any different from long ago, is not with the teenagers. Our social problems concerning teenagers, today, are created by the examples and low expectation set by society's adults. Today's adult society has lowered the level of expected normal behavior for which teenagers are to belong. Teenagers are merely striving to belong to that perceived society. It's their act of being normal.

If we are to return to those high values, mores and traditions in which most of us claim to want, then peer pressure and other social pressures must develop to persuade that change. Those pressures must be developed from and through the idealism of young people, those teenagers we so readily criticize. Adult society has become too harsh, too cynical and too selfish to formulate or to lead that change. Peer pressure within the current adult generation has created the lost generation within itself, not for the coming generation that it claims to be the lost generation. Why do I give this view of our current adult generation?

Our current adult generation is too paralyzed by peer pressure, other social pressures and political correctness, to take bold actions to do something right and progressive. Young people are asking the right questions that, if they were answered effectively by our current adult generation, would fulfill the needs of our society, regardless of the generation society serves. They ask logical and practical questions:

"Why doesn't government hire personable teachers who will encourage students to bring out the best a student has to offer?"

"Why is the school environment similar to a prison environment?"

"Why don't adults treat teenagers as they would wish to be treated?"

"Why is it acceptable for adults but unacceptable for children to lie?"

"Why are wealthy people in a community allowed to cheat and steal from a community and still be considered respectable leaders?"

"Why does adult society allow unrestricted vulgarity and obscenity on public airwaves, and then claim those things aren't fit for young people?"

"Why do unmarried adults live together, have children, and then ridicule young people for having casual sex?"

"Why are politicians respected and re-elected to office when they violate most of the rules teenagers are told to follow?"

"Why do many parents say, "Do as I say, not as I do?"

These questions lead us into the questions: Is it possible that grownups, adults, are influenced by peer pressure? Aren't adults old enough to do what they know is right and what they want to do?

Adults are more susceptible to the powerful influences of peer pressure than are young children or teenagers. Why? Because they have more to lose.

Ordinarily, the only things children have to lose are their feelings of belonging and importance. They have no significant personal assets that reflect their worth or their status in society. Adults, on the other hand, have some parts of all those things that fulfill needs. They have jobs that fulfill the physiological needs; they have citizenship that fulfills some of their safety needs, they belong to work groups or other associations, and they have assets that give them a feeling of importance. Those assets are homes, boats, motorcycles, fishing tackle, large screen televisions, boom boxes, motor homes and credit cards. Their natural drive to protect these things makes them more vulnerable to peer pressures and other social pressures.

Few adults ever reach the level of self fulfillment; consequently, they are driven to fulfill the more common needs of safety, belonging and ego. To protect these basic needs, they must comply with the more 'understood' norms of those around them.

Many people suffer great personal burdens to fulfill those perceived basic needs. Why do so many adults overcharge their credit cards? Is it because they need things they buy? Are credit cards misused to buy food, clothing and shelter? Of course not. Credit cards are misused to buy things that help give a person a feeling of belonging or a feeling of importance.

Would a merchant tell the whole truth if that truth would result in the loss of customers? Would a business person show favoritism to a key client or customer to keep from losing that customer? Would a business person take a stand on a moral issue, if that business person thought that visible stand might result in lost business?

My goodness, what would the neighbors think? What would they think if a graduating student refused to go to college in a community where all the graduating students are expected to go to college? What would they think if the teenager in the family living in the conservative neighborhood wanted an unusual haircut? What would they think if the college student in the family living in the successful neighborhood failed a class?

Adults are more vulnerable and susceptible to the forces of social pressures and peer pressures than are young children or teenagers. Over a longer period of time they have more feelings, more personal history and more family to protect. They bend and yield with the forces and pressures of others to protect those things. Young children and teenagers have only the pressures and the ideas of a short moment in time to consider. Although peer pressure is a serious success obstacle, there are other equally serious obstacles.

Family history is another of those serious obstacles. The history of a family is a more precise indicator of one's potential success than is one's level of intelligence. Over thirteen percent of the families in the United States live in poverty. These families are comprised of the next generation of the families who lived in poverty in the last generation. Also, ordinarily, the next generation of those who will not be successful will be from current families that have no history of success. Why should this be a success obstacle? Why should family history have a greater influence on one's level of success than one's intelligence?

This obstacle results from three influences. First, families that live in poverty, or that aren't successful, are that way because it's the lifestyle they understand. They don't know which gears to shift and which pedals to push to make the success generator move into motion. This condition reminds me of the time I learned to drive an automobile.

When I was very young, around six to eight years old, I remember going from my home to town in a horse and wagon. It was a real horse and, yes, a real wagon. The wagon wheels were about four feet in diameter and had metal rings around the circumference to protect the wooden parts of the wheels. The horse was connected to the wagon with a combination of a collar, traces, trace chains and a single tree for one horse. When two horses were used each of their single trees was hooked to a double tree that was connected to the wagon. The horse was guided and controlled with a bridle, a bit and reins. The commands to guide the horse were: git-up to move forward, gee to turn right, haw to turn left, and whoa to stop.

I learned to hook all those parts together and give all those commands when I was a little older. I usually rode in the wagon when one of my uncles was driving. We went to town, about two miles away to get farming items such as seed and fertilizer. We also used the wagon to haul corn to the grist mill to make corn meal and to haul cotton to the cotton gin. I had to do the driving when I was older.

As I grew older, I wanted to learn to drive an automobile, but I was also afraid to drive. I had watched adults drive automobiles, and it seemed difficult. They had to do too many things at the same time. They had to look all around, hold a foot on the clutch pedal, and release the clutch pedal at the same time they increased pressure on the accelerator pedal. Usually, they were talking to someone while they did all these things. I thought it was too hard. It was hard, and it took me a long time to do all those things without making the automobile jump. But, my relatives finally showed me how to do it.

These are the same concepts that guide success. Most important things are learned within the family environment. If family members haven't put a horse collar on a horse, they can't show another how to put a horse collar on a horse. If family members haven't learned how to coordinate clutch pedals, accelerator pedals and gear shift levers, they can't teach their children how to do those things. If a family doesn't know how to be successful, they can't show their children how to be successful. They don't know which button to push or which lever to shift.

The second influence that strengthens this obstacle is that families that aren't familiar with success have no network to success. They haven't established the long term relationships, contacts and acceptance often necessary in the business world. People don't get invited into the success round table unless they are already accepted as being part of that success round table. It often takes more than one generation for the member of a family to be considered in that sphere of influence. It's not impossible, but it's less likely for a person from a poverty background to become successful than it is for a person from a successful background to become successful.

The third influence of the family history obstacle is that the person affected must be willing to be different from those with whom he or she is comfortable. That person must be willing to accept and feel equal to others considered 'snobs' by his or her customary reference group. Until a person feels 'as good as' that upper group, that person's probability of success remains low.

When I transitioned from an airman with only three stripes on my sleeve into an officer with a gold bar on my collar I crossed that same transition void. I knew my friends in the lower ranks would consider me a different person. Ironically, I couldn't change that feeling, because I was a different person. I didn't say, "Now, I am a different person." It just happened. That void was difficult to cross because I knew the safety and comfort of my natural side; I didn't know exactly what I would find on the other side. I had never been there, and none of my family had ever been there.

Laziness is another major obstacle to success. In his book, ´Move Ahead With Possibility Thinking,' Robert Schuller stated, "The temptation to laziness never grows old." Sometimes we don't do things simply because we are too lazy to do them, even when we know what we should do.

Some people do positive things, and others do nothing but wait for something to happen. They continue to wait for that platter loaded with a selection of success choices to appear so they might pick one for themselves. That success platter never appears for those who wait for it to appear. Why do some go find that success goody, while others wait for it to come along? This same question could be asked about other things people choose to do or not to do.

Why do some people choose to smoke tobacco even though they know the damage it will probably do to their lungs, their larynx and their bronchial tubes? I have known people who, while suffering from lung disease, removed their oxygen mask to smoke a cigarette. Why do people eat too much, even though they know they will get fat and probably have those ailments that plague fat people? I had one good friend who kept eating even though she complained about being too fat. Her doctor warned her many times to lose weight. She died in her sleep one night, when her weight put too much pressure on her heart. She was only in her early thirties and had two small children. Why do some people drink too much alcohol even though they know it might kill them, or while they are driving it might kill someone else? There is one common answer to all these questions. That answer is: habit.

Laziness is a habit. It's not a condition that afflicts people at random. It's a condition some people accept because they don't do something else.

Have you ever seen a lazy busy person? Of course not. A person who's busy is not lazy. The old saying, "If you want to get something done, get a busy person to do it," in effect says, "Some people have the habit of doing things, and some people have the habit of not doing things." Choose the person who has the right habit. Laziness is often treated as a character flaw. It's actually nothing more that the habit of doing nothing. A habit ordinarily cannot be eliminated, it must be changed.

To quit smoking tobacco, a person doesn't quit smoking. That person develops another habit to replace the habit of smoking. That habit could be something as simple as whistling a tune when one has the urge to smoke a cigarette. Or, it could be something as simple as drawing pictures on a piece of paper. One doesn't lose weight by losing weight. A person loses weight by replacing the habit of eating when that person thinks of food, which is most of the time. That habit of eating could be replaced by planning a nutritious low-fat menu for next week, or by riding a bicycle around the block - perhaps more than once. Or, that eating habit could be replaced by looking through a magazine that's filled with pictures of people with beautiful shapes. To be effective, however, the new habit should be one that's healthy and beneficial, and provides pleasure. The more times it's done it should provide more pleasure. Psychologists and other behaviorists call this 'positive reinforcement.' I call it 'developing habits.'

A lazy person who develops the habit of doing things will not be a lazy person. That person will be someone who's reliable to do things. When a person does things then that person can achieve success. A person who doesn't do things can never be successful. Robert Schuller was right, there's a strong tendency to be lazy, unless you do something.

The concept 'we are creatures of habit' is more powerful than most of us realize. I understand, now that I have overcome my stuttering problem, that I accomplished that not by overcoming my stuttering problem, but by changing my speech habits. Most of my life, I worked hard not to stutter. I didn't quit stuttering until I worked hard to learn the habit of speaking without stuttering. Once I learned that concept, the answer was relatively easy. My stuttering has not completely gone, but it's much less of a problem than it once was.

When I went to a speech correction school, in 1960, I learned to control my tension and emotions to develop a tolerant attitude toward stuttering. While I was there I didn't learn how to quit stuttering. I learned how to keep my self image from doing further damage to my self confidence. That didn't solve my stuttering problem, but it did make it possible find answers to solve my problem. I also knew I didn't have a physical problem that caused me to stutter, since I could talk to myself and my dog without stuttering. I could also sing without stuttering. Mel Tillis is not the only stutterer who can sing without stuttering; most stutterers can. Some others do have brain trauma that causes them to stutter.

While I was at that Forest Glen Speech and Audiology Center in Maryland my idea that great fear could cause one to stutter was also reinforced. One of my classmates was a paratrooper from the Army. He didn't have the stuttering problem until he bailed out of the plane and his parachute became tangled for a few minutes. His fear and shock was so great it caused him immediately to begin his stutter. At that time his problem seemed worse than mine.

With this knowledge, I knew the answer to solve my stuttering problem should be somewhere within myself and my habits. I asked myself, "Am I too lazy to solve this problem that has tried to ruin my life, all my life?"

The answer finally became clear for me. If I had the habit of stuttering and I couldn't stop stuttering, perhaps I could develop the habit of not stuttering, and then I wouldn't have to worry about not stuttering. This statement has a ring of doubletalk - but it worked.

The keys to the solution were a tape recorder, a mirror, an imagination, something to read, a positive attitude and patience. I talked to myself in a mirror, I imagined I was talking to other people, I tried to emulate the emotional feedback between two people, I read into a tape recorder using inflections and tonal changes that I imagined would fit different individuals or groups of people and I knew if I did it enough it would work.

The first few times or perhaps the first few months, it didn't work. It might even have been the first few years that it didn't work. A short time for one suffering from an affliction seems an eternity. But, more and more I began to remember I had spoken a complete sentence without even remembering to stutter. I could also remember having a complete conversation without ever having the urge to stutter. I could also get past some hard stuttering blocks when they occurred by pretending I was merely practicing, at that time, with my tape recorder and mirror. I learned to anticipate and to deal with the emotional interaction between people who had been the emotional push button of my stuttering. I could still feel the personal interaction that had forced my speech to block itself, but I had the confidence to know I could handle it. Even now, when I have an occasional speech block, I try to analyze it and understand it while it's happening; I don't fear it and forget my habit of speaking normally.

Laziness is a habit of not doing something. This success obstacle can be overcome the same way I overcame my habit of stuttering. One cannot quit being lazy, like I couldn't quit stuttering. One can develop the habit of doing something, like I developed the habit of talking without stuttering.

Anyone who wants to be successful can be successful, but a person must do more than just plan to be successful. Success takes more than just a plan. A person must also develop good personal success traits and be able to recognize obstacles that create barriers to that success plan. One who cannot recognize there are obstacles, and what they are, will never understand why great intentions are never fulfilled.

### Chapter 11

Signals and Signs

### チ

### Staying on Track

Signs aren't greatly effective for one who

doesn't look.

As we move along the pathway of life from where we are to where we are going we receive signals and we see signs along the way that tell us if we are on the right pathway. We also receive signals and signs that warn us when we are not on the right pathway.

Those signals and signs have been there for me, although I didn't always know what they were. Now, I do. Now I am also sure that everyone has signals and signs that guide their purpose in life. Perhaps an explanation of the signals and signs I have received and understand might help others understand theirs.

While I was a young person almost everything that happened to me happened outside, because that's where I spent most of my time except when I was in school. In a previous chapter I discussed taking next steps to get somewhere. Many of my next steps were outside.

During one of those next steps I was walking from Nicholson's pond on my way back home. My uncle and I had been fishing in the pond and were returning on the little trail through the pine forest. Just as the trail carried us from the pine forest into the sagebrush patch, from my peripheral vision I saw a stick flip toward my leg. My uncle was walking about five feet ahead of me, and I thought he had stepped on a stick that had flipped backwards. While the stick was moving toward me, I instinctively stopped in midstride and moved my knees backward. The stick brushed past my lower legs. I could feel it because I was wearing short pants, and I wasn't wearing shoes.

When I looked to see where the stick landed, it moved. It wasn't a stick at all, it was a copperhead snake. When I saw it was a snake I moved away from it as fast as I could. I was amazed how slowly that movement was compared to how fast my movement was when I thought I was avoiding a stick. While my uncle killed the snake, I stood there wondering what had told me to bend my knees backwards at just that critical hundredth of a second. I also felt, while my young mind was trying to understand what had happened, that something more powerful than I could imagine had protected me. I was at least two hours away from a hospital at the place where that snake had struck at me.

In my misery and humiliation of being a stutterer, and even in my innocence of being a simple twelve year old farm boy, I knew I was important enough for something or someone to protect me. That event was a sign that told me, "Although you are a humiliated person and an imperfect person you are still a person; you really are important." I believe it was a signal that I was placed on earth for a purpose, although I didn't know what the purpose was.

The next signal I remember that made a strong impression on my importance as a normal human being also involved a snake. Although it might seem I have a strange fascination of snakes that's not the case. It's only a practical matter for a person who lives in the Southeastern United States, and spends most of the time outside, to be aware of outside dangers. Snakes are one of those common dangers. All four of the poisonous snakes are abundant there, including: rattlesnakes, cottonmouths, copperheads and coral snakes. You never know where they are, or when you will step on one. In my entire time, however, I saw only one coral snake near a small creek. I recognized it because I remember the old warning, 'red on yellow can kill a fella.' It's a small snake with bands of red, black, and yellow.

One evening I was standing quietly on the levee of our small pond watching for snakes to pop their heads to the surface to breathe. In the hot doldrums of summer afternoons, in the South, most animals seek shade or water to cool themselves. These summer doldrums are called 'dog days.' At that time, snakes are often found near water.

I had my shotgun, ready to shoot one that popped his head up. It was an old single barrel shotgun that had a hammer that cocked like a single-action revolver. It was a quiet evening, not even a single leaf was moving, nor were any birds chirping. It was hot. I stood motionless so nothing in the water would see me move.

After I stood there a few minutes I heard a small sound behind me. It was so faint, I thought it was probably a grasshopper falling over a dead twig. It was so faint it could even have been a cricket taking a deep breath. If a gentle breeze had been moving, or if birds had been chattering as they usually did, I wouldn't have heard the sound. I heard it again. It was only the sound of a bug or a grasshopper moving, barely distinguishable; it could even have been a cricket moving its wing into place above its bulging upper leg. The sound was that faint, but it rang in my ears. I knew it was an important sound. Instinctively, my head turned itself slowly to see what tiny creature was struggling for survival.

A cottonmouth was coiled about sixteen inches directly behind me. The first thought that raced through my mind was to jump in the other direction. Within that same instant my mind was racing to keep me from doing the wrong thing. Within a micro-second that seemed much longer, I confirmed it was a cottonmouth; it had a large triangular head and a grey body. I also saw it was in the striking position. A snake's striking position is not a round coil as some often imagine. A snake's striking position is a series of S-curves with its head reared back near the first curve. It was about three feet long which made the sixteen inches between us an easy striking distance.

My feet were about six inches apart, side by side. I knew I couldn't jump away without making a movement to get myself into a position to jump. I was afraid the first movement might make the snake strike before I could get out of the way.

As I slowly turned the top part of my body around, I also cocked the hammer on my shotgun, without moving my legs. I also kept watch on the snake's head to anticipate any sudden movement. If it made a striking motion I was going to jump, regardless. The cottonmouth continued to stay motionless as I turned my upper body enough to point my shotgun and squeeze the trigger. I had never fired a shotgun at a target that close to my feet before, and my trigger pull had never been that heavy. When I fired, the ground vibrated and smoke, dirt and snake went in all directions.

Ordinarily, a snake is never heard. I had never heard a snake before, and I haven't heard one since. Also, in a country environment there's usually noise from birds, frogs jumping into the pond or dogs playing in the background that would make little sounds undetectable. This sound was not only detectable; it also had a little echo that remained in my head until I looked around.

I have always wondered if that little sound was a signal that protected me. I could easily have stepped sixteen inches backward while my eyes and attention were absorbed on the surface of that pond. That signal told me to look. Again, that sign made me believe I was a normal person, worthy of being protected until I fulfilled my purpose. Although I was ashamed and humiliated about my place in society, I felt another sign that I was normal and worthy.

During the summer, between my junior and senior school years, I worked several weeks for my uncle Frank, in Hortense, Georgia. He and his family had moved to Georgia several years earlier, and they cut and hauled pulpwood. He had promised me a dollar for every load of pulpwood we moved to the pulpwood yard. The yard was in Waycross, Georgia. Waycross was in southern Georgia, not too far from Florida and the Okefenokee Swamp. We worked twelve hours a day, six days a week. I made about thirty dollars a week.

Ordinarily, the pine trees we cut for pulpwood were located on high and dry land. Although the job was tiring, it was usually a simple process of sawing a tree down with a chain saw, removing the limbs with either a chain saw or axe, sawing the tree trunk into five-foot lengths then loading the lengths onto a truck, by hand. Every day while we were cutting timber I had the same lunch. It was two egg sandwiches and a quart of whole milk. We were usually in the woods at lunchtime, and we couldn't afford to buy lunch in town, anyway.

One week we cut pulpwood in a swampy area. The pine trees were in a wet area, too far to carry by hand to the truck, after they were cut. My uncle had a track vehicle that he called a 'crawler' to pull the trees from the swamp after they were felled. The crawler was a hybrid between a farm tractor and a military tank. It moved on tracks, not wheels.

One day, after I had just felled a tree about fifteen inches in diameter and hooked the tow chain to it, I was resting while the crawler pulled the tree from the swamp. I was standing about eight feet to the side, between the crawler and the tree, as I watched the tree move forward, twisting and bending between other standing trees. I wasn't paying much attention, other than to be aware the crawler was moving the fallen tree.

Suddenly, I saw the trailing end of the tree spring toward me. When I saw it flying toward me, I knew what had happened and I also knew I should have anticipated it. The tree had been bent between two trees, and the trailing end had become free of the tree that caused it to bend. The crawler was turning to the left and had bent the tree even more. It wasn't just moving toward me, it was flying.

I didn't have time to move from the path of the tree. I just lifted both my legs at the same time. I probably jumped, but it seemed that I just lifted my legs. The tree flew by me under my feet. When my feet returned to the ground, I released the gasp that had frozen itself in my mouth. I thought I was saved, until I glanced around to see where the tree stopped, and how far it had gone. It hadn't stopped; it was flying back at me. I realized the crawler had changed directions around another tree that caused the trailing end of the tree to reverse itself. Again, I lifted my feet as the tree flew under me in the other direction. By this time the tree had moved too far forward to be close enough for another attack.

Both times, while the tree was passing under my feet, I felt I was being held in place above that danger. It was probably adrenalin, and perhaps youth, that made my body and feet feel so light while they were lifted above that tree. Nevertheless, while I was in the greatest height of danger, while I was suspended above the tree, I felt I was protected to have an opportunity to fulfill a purpose in life. I recognized it as a sign that I was a worthwhile and normal person.

The most important event, the one I consider the greatest sign that convinced me I was one of God's normal creatures, a real person, began with a football injury. In 1956, while practicing as part of the high school football team, another player tackled me with a flying tackle block to my right knee. I had just planted the cleats on my right shoe into the ground as the player threw his body into my knee. The impact tore the cartilage in my knee, and my knee gave way. Although I continued to try to play football for another year, my knee never recovered. Eventually, the cartilage in my right knee was surgically removed. I knew that accident destroyed my certain future as a professional football player, at five feet seven inches tall and one hundred fifty pounds.

Eighteen years later, in 1974, my knee grew more painful. It was unstable, occasionally it would turn, and I could tell some debris was 'floating' between the knee joint. The debris often would lock my knee in a fixed position. I was in the Air Force, stationed in Ankara, Turkey, at that time.

While I was in Turkey the concept of religion and Biblical stories became real. Although I had always considered myself a Christian, I also wondered if there were any real places that were identified in the Bible and other related documents, or if those places were merely symbolic names. I was amazed that my assignment in Turkey would give me so many of those answers.

Turkey is the modern name for Asia Minor. Asia Minor is the location of many of the Biblical stories.

There really were the seven churches of Asia Minor, to which John wrote during his exile on the Isle of Patmos, according to the Book of Revelations. There really is an island named Patmos. It's in the Aegean Sea just off the coast of Turkey, not too far from Selcuk (pronounced Seljuk) which is the modern name of Ephesus. Ephesus was the most magnificent of the seven churches. The apostle Paul asked, "Is there a greater city than Ephesus?" Ephesus was also the site of the Temple of Diana, one of the seven wonders of the Ancient World.

Even the ruins of the old city of Ephesus are beautiful, and they occupy many acres. The site where Mary, the Mother of Jesus, is reported to have lived the last days before she died is also located in a wooded area with many fig trees on a hill near Ephesus. Fig trees are mentioned in John's writing of Revelation. The site's foundation was unearthed in 1891, at a location identified in a vision by Catherine Emmerich, a cripple, who never left her hometown of Dulmen, Germany. My family and I visited these sites, as well as the other church sites.

Remains of the other six Biblical church cities still stand. They are: Pergamum, now Bergama; Thyatira, now Akhisar; Smyrna, now Izmir; Sardis, now Salihli; Philadelphia, now Alasehir and Laodicea, now Denizli.

Each church location had a real condition, which was explained in parable through John's letters. For example, the church at Laodicea was scolded for being neither 'hot nor cold.' On a mountain overlooking Laodicea was Pamukkale, a Roman resort that had, and still has, natural hot springs. When the hot water from the springs reached the flat land of Laodicea below, it was only warm. The church at Pergamum was accused of being where 'Satan's throne is sited.' Pergamum had a medical school where a serpent on a staff was the symbol of the school. Serpents were used in Pergamum for treatment of some patients who had mental problems.

We also visited other historical sites, as well as historical religious sites, there. We visited the ancient site of Troy, which really exists, near Istanbul. We also visited the ancient area of Phrygia which is the real location of the legendary King Midas.

All these sites and all the information about these sites demonstrated there was a strong basis and support for those Biblical stories. Those things were real; they weren't just imaginary stories. As I walked on these locations, and many more, for over a year, my knee pain grew worse.

Finally, in 1975, the pain became so bad I had surgery to remove the floating debris between the joint and to tighten the muscles around the knee area to keep it from separating and wobbling. After the surgery, the medics put a non-ambulatory cast on my leg. The cast was heavy, with a slight curve at the knee to discourage walking. The cast was so heavy and awkward, not only could I not walk without using crutches, I could hardly move the cast. Except when I was walking with the aid of crutches I had to move the cast with my hands and place it in a selected position.

I didn't know the stage had been set and decorated with many backdrops and props to convince me I was a normal person with a real purpose. It took almost twenty years to prepare me to understand that event when it happened. I probably wasn't ready to make the right interpretation until that time. It happened one night while I was sleeping.

While I slept, I found myself surrounded by a brilliant light. The light was not only around me, it also engulfed me and I was part of that brilliance. I was upright, but without a feeling of standing on anything. Although I remember wondering what I was doing there, and how I got there, the feeling of being there didn't seem unusual. It was natural. I also felt time was not relevant. I could have stayed in the same place, or I could have moved, and it wouldn't have mattered.

As I moved toward a focus of more perfect and more brilliant light, I saw familiar faces around that light. I couldn't distinguish the faces, but I knew they were familiar, and I knew they knew me. I understood a sense of welcoming from those who were familiar. A feeling of great joy and happiness flowed through every pore of my body. I felt natural to be there in that presence.

The brilliant light grew more beautiful as I moved closer to it. It was brilliant and beautiful, but it wasn't glaring. I had no urge to turn away from it, only to stand in awe of it.

When I reached the place at which I knew I was to go no further, the voice asked, "Were you a good person?" Although I was separate from that voice, I knew my own mind was helping to create that voice and that question. I was compelled to ask the question of myself. At the same time I knew I would answer the question honestly, because my mind was open to the universe. Millions, perhaps billions, of storage places in my mind opened and I could see everything I had ever done, and I could recall everything I had ever said. It was impossible for me to answer the question dishonestly, because honesty was the only emotion that existed there, in that place.

This is the time I remembered all those things that happened to me when I was a small child, even when I was a new baby. I remembered all the 'little white lies' and I remembered all the times I was angry, critical and frustrated. I even remembered all the times I was arrogant and hostile. But, the question didn't consider these random and isolated events. The question was simply, "Were you a good person?"

My answer was, "Yes." I knew I was a good person, but I had to review my past and answer the question before I felt the release from the barrier that would allow me to move further ahead, past that point where I had known to stop.

Before I moved forward, I felt a deep sense of sadness and regret. I was sad for those who would never have the opportunity to answer "yes" to that question that they would have to ask and answer for themselves. I also regretted that I didn't understand the significance of doing more good things while I had an opportunity to do them in another dimension. I knew my focus on my own problem of stuttering had kept me from doing more to help other people with their problems. I understood, standing in the brilliance of that light, that my stuttering problem was an insignificant problem in the total scheme of the universe. It was irrelevant; yet, I had focused my lifetime on that problem.

At the same time, the idea of moving forward was exhilarating. I had never felt a more joyous feeling, and I knew that joyous feeling would be even greater if I moved forward.

Before I moved forward, I asked, "I have too many things left to do that I didn't understand, before. I also have a wife and two young children to care for. Can I go back to finish? Can I go back?"

The next thing I remember is that I was gasping for air as I woke and struggled to untangle the bed sheet from around my neck. At the same time, I felt a movement pound my solar plexus into my heart. Then, I felt my heart pounding against my chest, and I felt the blood flow move the puffiness from my face. It took me about a minute to inhale a full breath of air without struggling to breathe.

After I had regained my normal breathing, I saw what had happened to me. I had turned in the bed, and as I turned the bed sheet had become trapped under the heavy cast on my leg. The sheet couldn't slide free to turn as I moved my body and it had wrapped around my neck, instead of sliding over my shoulder.

For a long time I was afraid to go to sleep. I wasn't afraid of getting the sheets tangled around my neck. I was afraid I would find my way back to that brilliant light, and would not have the will power to ask to return.

These were the signs and signals that kept encouraging me not to give up, not to suffer from despair. These were my personal signs and signals; and, since I know they exist, I also believe they exist for everyone.

I struggled long enough and hard enough just to be normal. I certainly have no delusions of being special. Since I'm not a special person, I have no special privilege to be the only person who receives success signs and signals. They exist, and one who's lost in life, depressed or downhearted must try to see them to understand someone is trying to tell them they are normal and worthy. A person simply can't be happy and successful if that person doesn't feel normal and worthy of being successful.

A person who feels normal and worthy of being successful, and who sets a goal and takes steps to reach that goal will become successful and happy. Although some obstacles to that person's success trip might arise, they will become insignificant.

The question I was asked when I took my brief trip, "Were you a good person?" both surprised and intrigued me. Let's explore the significance of that question, as it's associated with success, in the next chapter.

### Chapter 12

Priorities

### Looking with Both Eyes

Why are the most important things saved

until last, then left undone?

At the end of your time, you will ask yourself a question, and the answer will come from your own Book of Life. Your Book of Life is kept by no one else but yourself. Saint Peter is not sitting at the Pearly Gates tending a library of billions of life's books to determine who crosses through those gates. You will ask yourself the question, and you will give the answer from the history you have recorded in your own book that you have at all times within your mind. Your own book will not let you be dishonest when you answer the question. The question is simple. It is: "Were you a good person?" And the meaning of 'good' is also clear.

This question surprised me when I heard my voice, in unison with others, ask it. That question was simple and clear, and it was surprisingly easy to answer.

Before Creation asked me that question, I was anticipating more detailed questions, such as: Did you live a perfect life? Did you lie, cheat or steal? Were you honest? Were you fair in your relationships with other people? Did you have too much selfish pride? Did you go to church every Sunday? Did you say longer prayers than anyone else? Were you a good witness for life? These questions were not asked. Only that one simple question. I knew I wasn't a perfect person, but I also knew I was a good person. It was an easy question to answer.

This enlightenment helped me perhaps understand the reason for my existence, and the purpose and priority of my life. Perhaps the reason for my existence is to be a child to be enjoyed, as is the same reason many parents have children. Most parents don't have children because they have a grand scheme and a purpose for each of those children. They have children to enjoy them. As I stood before what I imagined was the Creator, I felt the reason for my existence was simply to be an object of pleasure and enjoyment.

I felt, as I stood in that Presence, that the purpose for my life was to be a witness, and that my life's priority should be to be a good person to represent that witnessing. I understood, then, that there were two great threats to that witnessing. One was selfishness and pride from within. The other was outside forces that create temptations to be lazy, contemptuous, jealous, evil and self-indulgent. I understood the possibly I had been made a stutterer to protect me against those weaknesses. Those are weaknesses of normal life, not for one who struggles to become normal. Only those who are free to seek alternatives may find those alternatives.

As you read, now, you realize this is a new paragraph. You don't know what happened between the last paragraph and this paragraph, or how much time elapsed. Only I know the answer to those questions. Something happened during the time between these two paragraphs, though, that I must share with you here and now. It just happened. I believe it was another sign that confirms my feelings and concern for my fellow human beings, which is why I am writing this book. Although this is not the chapter that explains signs, I believe this information fits better right here. The event just happened.

While I was writing that earlier paragraph, my thoughts were taking little side trips. My fingers couldn't move as quickly on the keyboard as my mind was developing those thoughts and arranging them in order to tell my fingers which keys to strike. For those who don't type, it's similar to talking. One's mouth, ordinarily, can't say the words as fast as one's mind can form the concepts. There's always plenty of free time roaming around in one's mind.

My free thoughts were questioning the character of other people who were stutterers. I wondered if they were considered 'good' people who cared for others, or if they would be considered selfish and insensitive. I remembered I had seen the names of several famous people who were stutterers, and I thought I would flip through that book, quickly, to see if I could find their names. I stopped typing, but left my computer on, while I flipped through the book. It was a book titled: ´Self-Therapy for the Stutterer, by Malcolm Fraser, Director of the Speech Foundation of America. Melvin Powers, Wilshire Book Company publisher in North Hollywood, California, had sent the book to me last year. He had read in a book proposal I sent to him that I stutterered.

As I flipped through the book to find those names, the pages stopped flipping on page 68. It contained only one small paragraph in the center of the page. The first few words grabbed my attention. They were, 'You might be interested ----.' So, I did become interested. The paragraph continued, '---in a quotation by a non-stutterer from a letter written many years ago by Thomas Carlyle, the historian, to Ralph Waldo Emerson, dated November 17, 1843. He said , A stammering man is never a worthless one---It is an excess of delicacy, excess of sensibility to the presence of his fellow creature, that makes his stammer.'

When I read that short paragraph, I knew those were the feelings I understood, and the ideas I have been expressing in this book. That short statement erased any doubts I might have had about the contents and purpose of this book. It was another clear sign. And it happened with you, present, between those two paragraphs.

Your signs will happen the same way. However, you must know signs exist to understand them when they occur.

To satisfy my wandering mind's curiosity about other stutterers, I also found that list of names of famous people who were stutterers. They include: Moses, Demosthenes, Aristotle, Aesop, Virgil, Charles Lamb, Charles Darwin, Charles I of England, Sir Winston Churchill, Somerset Maugham and Marilyn Monroe.

Updated 2019: There were no easy sources of references when I wrote this book in 1995. Now, while reviewing this manuscript there are many references for research. I was specifically interested in the mention of Moses as a stutterer. The source was given as Exodus, Chapter 4, verses 10-15:

"And Moses said unto the Lord, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, not since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue. And the Lord said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? Or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? Have not I the Lord? Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say. And he said, O my Lord send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send. And the anger of the Lord was kindled against Moses, and he said, Is not Aaron the Levite thy brother? I know that he can speak well. And also, behold, he cometh forth to meet thee: and when he seeth thee, he will be glad in his heart. And thou shalt speak unto him, and put words in his mouth: and I will be with thy mouth, and with his mouth, and will teach you what ye shall do." So it seems from this reference that Aaron spoke for Moses when they were in the presence of the Pharaoh. End of update.

Information in that book also revealed there are about one and a half million stutterers in the United States, and about fifteen million world-wide, with about half those being children. About three-fourths of all stutterers are males. The book also stated, 'Stuttering has no respect for social or economic status, religion, race or intelligence.'

Now that we have completed our side trip, let's continue the discussion on priorities, particularly those priorities one must understand to find personal success and happiness. As a reminder, this is not a speech correction guide book to cure stuttering; however, I hope it will help serve that purpose. Instead, it's a book to help anyone find success and happiness; regardless of the handicaps or the obstacles that person must accept or overcome. Mine just happened to be stuttering. It could just as easily have been shyness, lack of knowledge, ugliness, obesity, race, ethnic background, psychological problems or poverty. The success and happiness process is universal. It works the same way, regardless of the obstacles or the perceived obstacles.

If the key to success and happiness is to be 'a good person,' then the priority in one's life must be to be a good person. Success and happiness are not the methods, they are the results. One becomes happy and successful as the result of a process.

That process is to be a good person. Sometimes that process is difficult for people because: evil has a natural durability; goodness must constantly be nurtured.

When a child is born into a family that child is cute, beautiful and cuddly; but that same child is also selfish and impatient. The child has a natural tendency to be possessive and self-centered. Everything in the child's life evolves around the words 'I' and 'mine.' That child must be taught the concepts of words such as: you, your, ours, sharing, respect and consideration. Those concepts are not inborn. They must be taught. Aristotle and Plato spent much of their time trying to understand and explain the 'goodness in man' represented by these concepts that are not innate, but must be learned. They believed one of the main purposes for education was to help people find the goodness within themselves.

Perhaps this concept helps explain the basis for the religious term 'witnessing.' Over-zealous religious people misuse the concept of witnessing. That misuse often does more harm to the cause they try to promote.

That question, 'were you a good person' asked me two questions in one. The first part of the question referred to my personal self. It asked was I a good person in relationship to my understanding of what I was required to do.

The second part of the question asked if I were a good witness according to my actions. My understanding of witnessing, then, means to teach others by setting a good example. That part of the question did not ask if I tried to convince others I was more right than they. It asked, 'did you set a good example that would allow others to learn if they understood that requirement within themselves?' I believe this concept is so important to understanding happiness and success that I must delve into it a little deeper.

When I moved to DeSoto County, Mississippi, where I now live (I left there in 1997. I now live in Diamondhead, MS,) the first question I was most often asked was, "What church do you go to?" Superficially, this seems a harmless and friendly question, but I found the question insulting. First, it made the assumption that I didn't have the option not to go to church. Secondly, I didn't know if I would guess a right answer or a wrong answer. I didn't know what the penalty would be if I gave a wrong answer.

If I answered I went to Saint Whoever's Catholic Church, would I be giving the answer to a Church of Christ fanatic who hated Catholics? Or, would I be answering to a devout Catholic who thought all people who are not Catholics are bound straight for hell? If I answered that I was a Buddhist Monk, with blue eyes and white skin, planning to build a temple in central Mississippi, would I be driven from the State? I didn't know what the answer should be. Since I had not been to church in many years, my first reaction was to imagine I would be ostracized as non-Christian and a subversive Communist.

That question, "Which church do you go to," is not related to the question, "Are you a good person?" Too often, the priority is placed on the wrong question, and on the wrong concept. Those who ask which church you go to are not asking what they think they are asking. They are really asking to which denomination do you belong and which church building do you attend.

It's my understanding these things do not create or form the fundamental definition of a church. A church is created when two or more people meet to worship God and to be a good witness. The denomination and the building are incidental and irrelevant.

Many zealous church-goers are proud of their new, larger and improved church building with stained glass windows on all sides. They are also proud that it's the 'best' church in town, with the most respected preacher. Their preacher has Doctorate Degrees in Philosophy and Theology and understands every word in the Bible. They also must win all arguments by knowing and quoting more 'Thou Arts' and 'With Thees' than others. How can an ordinary person argue with twenty 'Thou Arts' in twenty consecutive sentences?

The most devout lay person in church is often determined by the person who says the longest prayer. That person is more religious than others and is determined to prove it. After services, after the longest prayer is said, that same person might also lead the discussion on how to keep the 'n----rs' and 'riff-raff' out of that good church.

Now, these comments might suggest I don't think it's necessary to go to church, or to a formal church building, as the case might be. That suggestion would be wrong, for I do believe people should attend the church of their choice, the place where they feel most comfortable in their worship and the place where they feel most at ease with their Creator. I feel more comfortable worshipping privately. Some of my most uncomfortable moments happened in church when I was young.

Church was a normal part of my life when I was a child. I usually went to Sunday school, but I didn't always stay for the regular church service, afterwards. When I was older, I would also stay for the church service most of the time. I enjoyed Sunday school while I was very young.

As I got older, however, my feelings changed. The Sunday school teacher would ask the older students to say the opening prayer and the closing prayer. Some of the most embarrassing moments of my life happened while I was in Sunday School. I stuttered too much to say a prayer in a group of people, and I had no way to escape. I was also puzzled why my prayers were not answered not to stutter, especially while I was trying to say a prayer in church. I became so humiliated, I quit going to Sunday School and church.

That experience taught me that perhaps a formal church building is not the right place for everyone. Although my embarrassment resulted from my stuttering, I also knew there were many others who were too shy to pray in public or even in a small group that exists, such as in a Sunday School class. I also knew other people couldn't afford clothes and shoes that would make them acceptable in a formal church building whose members would question their inappropriate attire. Why should some people be embarrassed to satisfy others' need for group support? I never understood that concept.

Perhaps witnessing is different from the concept taught, formally, by leaders and members of great churches who determine the rules. It's possible that witnessing is not the act of trying to convert 'lost souls' to another's beliefs. It's possible that witnessing is not trying to get others to join a formal church, to attend a specific building. It's possible that witnessing is not the act of one person trying to convince others to be more religious, by citing endless quotes of 'Thou Arts' and 'Thees.'

Is it possible that the instruction given us to go forth and witness means simply to be a good person for others to see, to set a good example to be witnessed? I believe that's what it means. Perhaps the further admonition not to judge others reinforces this idea of witnessing simply by setting a good example. Attending a formal church sets that example. Being a good person also sets that example. These two acts are not necessarily related. A fundamentally bad person can attend a church; and, a person doesn't have to attend a church to be a 'good person.' To become a good witness that will allow success and happiness, perhaps our priority should be more on the question, "Are you a good person?" than it is on, "What church do you go to?"

Other things we do must also be placed in priority, to achieve success and happiness. Most likely, that priority listing should be guided by that hierarchy of needs described by Abraham Maslow.

For example, one of the greatest sources of unhappiness and despair is indebtedness and financial problems. Why do most financial problems occur? Sometimes they occur because they are unavoidable. Sudden financial crises arise that simply could not have been anticipated. The most common are uninsured accidents and illnesses. Health care is not only costly to society; it's also ruinous to individual people. Many financial crises, however, are caused by other reasons. Some of those are caused by misplaced priorities.

The need to feel important is so strong that people often ignore the more basic physiological and safety needs. To fulfill that need to belong and to feel important they buy shiny new automobiles instead of driving older ones, even if they can't afford to buy a shiny new automobile. Often, those same people can't afford to pay their mortgage payment or the house rent. Their physiological need for shelter is satisfied just long enough for them to become driven by the need to feel important. A shiny new automobile satisfies that need for some people. Is that not a misplaced priority that usually results in unhappiness and despair?

The need to belong to a group or to society, generally, leads others into misplaced priorities. Some people feel they must go into debt to take a vacation each year, because they think that's 'what everybody else does.' They spend the next year trying to pay that debt off while they blame their employers for not paying them enough to buy clothes for their children to wear to school. Still, others buy the fanciest shotgun or the most advanced fish-finder to complete their new bass boat, while they anticipate the next pay raise so they can afford to buy their families something for Christmas. Again, it's their employer's fault if they can't afford those Christmas presents.

Another example of misplaced priorities is the focus of attention that many parents demonstrate to their children. I know parents who will spend all weekend with their children participating in or watching baseball, football, basketball, soccer, horseback riding, motorcycle racing, auto racing and at least a dozen other sports or recreational events. Yet, these same parents never have any time to share with their children to help them learn to read or solve math problems. They are 'too busy' and 'too tired.' Other parents have even worse misplaced priorities, they are always 'too busy' to share any quality time with their children; and then wonder why their children 'never do anything right.'

The lure of instant money often causes young people to disorient important priorities. Many drop out of school to earn money, rather than remain in school to develop their potential to later earn more money, with less effort, that would give them a greater sense of satisfaction and a higher probability of achieving a higher level of fulfillment. Their priority is to have it now. A young person who has never been responsible for the normal expenses of living interprets a small income as plenty of money. That extra disposable income represents power, prestige and importance until that person understands it's nothing more than an invitation to failure and unhappiness.

The strong desire for love and affection, which is included in the belonging need, also causes others to choose wrong priorities. How many girls inhibit or destroy their possibility of success and happiness by having babies while they themselves are still babies? That need to be loved, combined with natural hormonal drives, certainly influence those girls to ignore those priorities that most in our society would consider more logical. Many of those girls handicap their opportunity to ever be happy and successful. Most of the boys who participate in that process simply walk away and pretend it never happened. Or, perhaps they never become too successful because they must keep looking over their shoulders for a paternity suit.

These are just examples of priorities that lead from a clear path of success and happiness to a clear path of failure and unhappiness. There are too many others to list in this book but, hopefully these are enough to demonstrate one's priorities will greatly influence one's probability of success and happiness.

Of all the misplaced priorities that cause a person never to reach his or her highest level of fulfillment and happiness, one stands greater than all the others. That's the priority to just get by. Anyone who has that priority will never find the way to success and happiness, because that path will not ever exist.

チ

### Chapter 13

Doing it Naturally

Sometimes a little KASH is helpful.

My good friend, John Patton, reminded me recently of a problem solving analysis he used while he was the vice president of marketing in a large insurance company. The system he used was KASH. He had explained that problem solving system to me several times over the past few years. Since finding success and happiness is nothing more than a problem solving process, I decided to use the simplicity of that KASH concept to summarize the ideas and concepts in this book. KASH is identified as:

K - Knowledge

A - Attitude

S - Skills

H - Habits

Success or failure of any person, group, family or organization can be attributed to one of these fundamentals. Each of these fundamentals is equally important in the problem solving and success process. A weakness, or disregard, of one or more of these will most likely allow a person to remain unsuccessful and unhappy. Let's review them individually.

The K in KASH identifies knowledge. Surely, no one would argue that knowledge is a basic and fundamental prerequisite to success. Yet, the refusal or the reluctance to obtain the knowledge necessary to become successful causes many to remain unsuccessful and unhappy.

The visible measurement of success is ordinarily represented by financial status. A person who earns more income, in our society, is considered successful - not always happy \- but, nevertheless, successful. We also know, however, that a person must reach a financial level that will free that person from the constant worry of fulfilling financial obligations and necessities. As long as a person is pressured by that financial need, the physiological need, that person will never graduate to the highest need, which according to Abraham Maslow, is fulfillment. One can never reach happiness and success without fulfilling the need to achieve fulfillment.

Money is not always the lowest level need that absorbs a person's concentration so totally that the person can't be motivated by the higher needs. Since my total need was to eliminate my stuttering problem, at that time, I could not feel the higher need of self actualization, or self fulfillment. Simply, every moment of my life while I was a severe stutterer, I just wanted to quit stuttering. I was not concerned about money or finances.

On the other hand, as an adult, I was in the Air Force and had a steady financial income. It wasn't much financial income for the first few years, but I never had to worry about having enough to pay rent or buy food. Perhaps if I had not had a steady salary I would have felt the need for money more than I felt the need to be normal, by not stuttering. But what does this have to do with knowledge, in the KASH analysis?

Simply, while I was worrying about stuttering and trying to be normal earlier in my life I didn't have the knowledge necessary to understand my stuttering problem. I didn't know if stuttering were caused by a curse, a mental problem, a psychological problem or a physical defect. I knew only that I didn't like it and I wanted to free myself from it. I didn't have enough knowledge about my problem, stuttering, to know how to approach a cure. I just worried about it and fought against it as hard as I could. Then, I didn't know that made my problem worse.

Although most people don't stutter, much of the unhappiness and frustration they experience is caused by the same problem I had as a stutterer. That problem is lack of knowledge. I didn't know what to do.

In our modern society most unhappiness is caused by two basic sources. One is the lack of money, or the perceived lack of money. The other is the inability to have lasting good personal relationships. Either of these causes frustration, and that frustration causes despair, defeat and unhappiness. That frustration, instead, should be a signal to seek more knowledge to understand the cause of that failure and that frustration. Some people do seek answers, but most continue to fight their frustrations. Let's explore some typical examples.

Many young people never graduate from high school. Instead, they drop out between the ninth and twelfth grades; and, they usually drop out for two reasons. First, they try to escape the perceived oppressive school environment that fails to fulfill their immediate needs. Those needs are a sense of belonging and the desire to feel important.

Ordinarily, these students are members of the underclass society placed in a school environment established on middle class concepts. They never feel they 'belong' there. An understanding of motivation concepts suggests they are right: as they are, they don't belong there. They have not been assimilated into the values and motivations of middle class culture. They realize they are 'different' and they know they don't fit in that environment. When this happens there are two considerations: one is institutionally by society, the other is personally by those individuals.

Society's questions are: do leaders in society have the knowledge to understand this class dilemma, and, do leaders in society have the knowledge to resolve this class dilemma? Furthermore, do social leaders, governmental leaders and education leaders understand that most education problems are social class problems, and not education problems?

Isn't it ironic that an individual who needs knowledge most is the last person to seek knowledge? Those students who drop out of school to begin work to earn money almost universally earn less money than students who stay in school to graduate. Those who complete college ordinarily earn more money than those who don't go to college. Knowledge is clearly powerful, and it clearly improves a person's opportunity for success. Nevertheless, those who begin life without the knowledge necessary to succeed usually defend their actions and blame 'the system' or society for their continued failures. Often, they don't allow themselves an opportunity to gain more knowledge because they must work so hard, at minimum wage just to survive.

Lack of knowledge about other people's needs and motivations also destroys human relationships, which results in failure and unhappiness. One who understands another's needs can help the other person fulfill those needs. A fulfilled need creates satisfaction and eliminates defensive reactions to frustration.

Personal relationships are most often destroyed by frustration. The common term for that targeted frustration is incompatibility. This lack of knowledge that creates frustration in marriages has resulted in a high divorce rate in our country. The high divorce rate has resulted in many one-parent families.

The one-parent family has also caused many of our social and education problems. A child from a one parent family ordinarily can't gain as much life knowledge from one parent as that child can gain from two parents. This void in knowledge often causes frustration for the child, and that frustration often causes antisocial defensive reactions.

These are only some brief examples of typical problems caused by the lack of knowledge, or the absence of enough knowledge. Although these are only examples, the same principles and the same concepts apply to any environment, particularly in a work environment. In most work environments, the knowledge required is specific knowledge. Also, in most work environments workers who lack sufficient knowledge to do their jobs are reluctant to admit they don't have all the knowledge they need to maximize their efforts. Many workers are afraid they will lose their jobs if they admit they don't know enough. That physiological need, the need to earn enough money to buy food and shelter, is powerful and protective when it's threatened.

Others are afraid to seek knowledge needed for success and happiness. Some are afraid they will be criticized by their peers if they strive to rise intellectually above those peers, those friends. Their need to belong to that comfortable reference group condemns them.

For others, their feeling of importance and self image would be frustrated if they admitted they needed more knowledge and information. Their ego will not allow them to gain knowledge needed to understand themselves and to find success and happiness.

Knowledge by itself, however, doesn't produce success. One must also have a successful and happy attitude to be successful and happy. One must also have an attitude that anticipates success. That's often referred to as a positive attitude. I think the concept of success attitude would be more definitive than a positive attitude. One could positively have the attitude that he or she will fail. However, since the concept of a positive attitude is already established, let's not make an issue of that question. Let's just consider that a positive attitude is a success attitude.

Although I agree it's necessary to have a positive attitude to be successful and happy, I'm not convinced one can have a positive attitude without first having a basis for that positive attitude. For example, one must first have some success at doing something to create that positive attitude. How can one who's always failed have a positive attitude? How can one who's reared in a family that has a total history of failure have a positive attitude? It must be learned.

A positive attitude doesn't just materialize from the cosmos, without a fundamental basis, to alert one's subconscious that good things will happen. One must first understand the concepts of success and achievement before success and achievement can be anticipated. How can one expect to receive what one doesn't understand within?

Positive attitudes must be developed. Some are developed in the culture of a person. One who's reared in a family that anticipates and achieves success, will understand the concept of success and will anticipate success. Others who aren't reared in a success environment must create their own anticipation of success, to have the success attitude - the positive attitude. However, that self-teaching process is easy once it's understood. Again, I will use the example of my stuttering problem to demonstrate this principle.

Most of my life, I wished I could quit stuttering. I wished it - but I didn't anticipate it. I had a positive attitude to wish, but I didn't have a positive attitude to anticipate. However, as I gained more knowledge about stuttering, and began to have some occasions that I could speak without stuttering, I began to believe it was possible to, some day, talk like other normal people talk without stuttering. Each time I could speak freely, my subconscious began to believe I could overcome that problem. My subconscious had to believe it before I could allow myself to believe I really could overcome that problem. Each time I made greater improvement, my anticipation of success grew stronger.

That anticipation allowed and created the positive attitude. That positive attitude, however, had to be nourished and reinforced with more successes and more anticipation. It didn't just exist because I wanted a positive attitude. I had to create it. Anyone can create a positive attitude, a success attitude, with practice.

Positive attitudes are created by successes, not wishes for a positive attitude or by merely proclaiming oneself to have a positive attitude. Repeating, with deep emotion, "I have a positive attitude" a hundred times or a million times will not produce a positive attitude. That repetition will produce only a tired mouth, tongue and larynx.

One can develop a positive attitude, however, by the magic of little wins. I realized as my speech improved over several years that my speech had improved because my attitude had improved, and my attitude had improved because my speech had improved. My speech had improved only slightly, but it had improved. This same principle will apply to anyone who wishes to develop a positive attitude, or anyone who needs to develop a positive attitude. The process is simple.

One must achieve some success to anticipate success. The magic, however, is that the first success, or successes, don't have to be as significant as conquering mountains. They can be as simple as moving pebbles. If a person moves enough pebbles from a mountain, that person will eventually see a smaller mountain. The magic to succeeding is to succeed and to anticipate success as the natural order. One must simply begin with the little pebbles. Sooner or later, the little pebbles will be larger stones. Continue to move the smallest stones and let the mountains disappear by themselves. In his book, ´Move Ahead With Possibility Thinking,' Robert Schuller emphasizes this point by writing, "Inch by Inch, anything's a cinch."

People who succeed and anticipate success see the mountain of stones and know they can move those stones, one at a time if necessary. Those who fail and who anticipate failure see the mountain and know they can't conquer it. There are too many little pebbles in their way.

Although knowledge and attitude are important parts of the success process, still more is needed. Another element of the KASH success process is skill.

Skill is not the same as knowledge. Knowledge requires awareness; skill requires practice. To be successful, one must be skilled at something that will create a method to achieve that success. Some people succeed in business, others succeed in art, others succeed in networking and others succeed in athletics. Of course many other people succeed in many other ways. Regardless, they must all require skill to be successful at what they do. One develops that skill through practice and experience.

A Monday morning quarterback might know more about football than a real quarterback playing in a football game. However, if that Monday morning quarterback has no football skills, or doesn't practice enough, that person will never be successful as a football quarterback. An ice skater who learns how to ice skate by only watching others skate will never be a successful ice skater. That person must practice to develop the right moves and motions - and balance. The perfect ice skater without ice skating skills will spend too much time nourishing a cold gluteous maximus.

To learn to speak successfully, without stuttering, I had to develop the skill of speaking without stuttering. I practiced, and practiced, and practiced to develop that skill. I still practice, because my speech is still not perfect. But, now, I am successful. I'm successful largely in part because I developed the fourth element in the KASH process. I developed the habit of talking without stuttering.

Habit is as important to achieve success as are the other three elements of the KASH concept. Habit determines what we are most inclined to do, without making a conscious effort to do otherwise. This applies to every person in every situation in life. We have already discussed habit in another chapter, but it's necessary to review, here, to understand the importance of habit in the KASH success analysis process.

Which small children are more successful in their relationships with adults? The children who have the habit of saying "Yes ma'am and no ma'am; and yes sir and no sir." They have knowledge, they know it's important; they have a good attitude; and they have the practiced skills to be friendly and courteous. When they have the habit, they say those things without forcing themselves to say them.

Which students are more successful in school? The students who have the habit of completing their homework assignments, practicing difficult learning material and going to school regularly. It's their habit, it's what they do. Their success is their habit.

Which workers are more successful on their jobs? Those who have the habit of getting to work on time, those who have the habit of being prepared to work and those who have the habit of being friendly and cooperative.

Which older persons enjoy life more in their later years? Those who have the habit of exercising properly and eating nutritiously.

Which stutterer overcomes that speech handicap to find happiness and success? The one who develops the habit of speaking without stuttering.

Success is a simple process for anyone who wants to be successful. Success seems foreign and difficult for many because they don't understand success, and, in many cases their environment has hidden success from their vision. This KASH analysis is a composite review of the information in this book to show how all our feelings and imaginations affect the level of success we might achieve.

One can be successful only if he or she understands success, and takes the first step and the next step to reach it. That next step often is scary, but it's always, without fail, exciting and rewarding.

### Conclusion

The Complete Picture

I've been searching and searching, almost every day.

Now that I found it, it won't get away.

Will the information in this book help you find what you are looking for? If you are trying to find the process, the method, the way or the path to success and happiness; then, the answer is clearly - yes. There's enough information in this one little book to help anyone do that. This means anyone. This includes you, no matter how unhappy or unsuccessful you feel at this moment.

I know these are the concepts, steps and thoughts one must have to find that internal spark that sets fire to one's soul to see new visions and to leap giant steps into unknown lands. One who is cursed with visions of despair must have new eyes to understand visions of beauty. If the sight of beauty is unknown, then it doesn't exist. One who holds only failure in common hands accepts that as the limits of success, and knows only that touch. As the grass that covers the earth, success must be felt to know its texture.

As one who endured the degradation and humiliation that only another stutterer could understand, I know the deepest canyons of despair and the widest rivers of lost hope many people endure. I visited those places, almost every moment of my life, for over forty years. Even though I lived in those dark places, I never lost hope. I never gave up. I knew there must be a reason for being a person, one of God's chosen creatures. I kept searching until I found that reason and those answers. I didn't know how simple those answers were until I pushed them into my mind and soul.

Many of those answers I learned by trying to interpret those natural things in nature that must have been placed here to provide those examples and those lessons. For example, watching those birds that never quit working; and watching those squirrels that always mixed play with their serious work taught me I must do something; I must not stop to worry and say, "Woe is me." Those birds and squirrels had many more problems than I did. Perhaps the grand design for those little animals, and other of nature's treasures, is to teach simple lessons to answer society's most perplexing questions. They are great natural teachers.

Other people had found many of those answers, in their own ways, before nature guided me in its own way to believe I could find answers to my problems. Their thoughts and ideas reinforced and strengthened my belief that I could overcome my stuttering handicap and become successful and happy, to become a real and normal person. Once I believed I could, the process was easy.

Believing is the mountain that must be conquered; the process is only a little pebble on that mountain that moves with only a gentle nudge. Those others helped me understand the difference between the mountain and the pebble.

In his book, The Power of Positive Thinking, Norman Vincent Peale wrote several statements that enticed me to begin looking inside myself for answers, instead of looking inside myself at my misery. These statements are:

"If you've never really found yourself, do so. Then

you'll start liking yourself, and with good reason."

"The tests of life are not to break you, but to

make you."

"If you expect the worst you will get the worst, and

if you expect the best you will get the best."

"If you love life, life will love you back."

"You can be greater than anything that can happen

to you."

"When tackling a problem the number one thing is,

never quit attacking it."

These comments and ideas, with those things I had already observed in nature, combined as if a giant puzzle had come together to show the complete picture. One can understand, generally, how the puzzle will look, even if some of the pieces are missing. When all the pieces are in place, however, one can enjoy and understand all the finer details.

These statements by Dr. Peale helped me put more pieces of that puzzle together to learn how to find myself. His last statement, above, is similar to, and might even be the basis for, my illustration of a person waiting to select success and happiness from a silver tray that allows one to simply choose and not be personally accountable and proactive in the success process. One must do something positive to make something positive happen.

Dale Carnegie authored a popular book several years ago that remains a standard source in many people's search for success and happiness. The title of that book is How To Win Friends and Influence People. Two comments in that book also help complete the search for answers to the question, "How do I find happiness and success?" I have these comments written on a note card I review often:

"Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It

depends on inner conditions."

"The desire for a feeling of importance is one of

the chief distinguishing differences between mankind

and the animals."

Ordinarily, each of us know some people who are happy and we also know some people who are not happy. A major clue to the source of that happiness or unhappiness is the environments in which those people exist. Isn't it ironic that happy people and unhappy people often exist, work and live in a shared environment, in the same or similar environment? If the environment and conditions cause some people to be unhappy and unsuccessful, why doesn't that same environment cause other people in that same environment also to be unhappy and unsuccessful?

I learned that the inner person, the person I was inside, was accountable for my success and happiness, not the conditions outside I had to see, feel and consider. My environment did not convince me I was an unhappy stutterer, destined to fail; it was my inner self that did not understand how to find that happiness and success, until I turned on the light to find that inner self. My frustration of feeling that I didn't belong to the natural society, and that I couldn't feel important kept my light burning dim, until I learned how to turn it on and allow it to shine brighter.

Allan Fromme, in his book, ´Our Troubled Selves,' helps answer more questions in the success and happiness search. He wrote:

"Most of the time we are not aware of what we think

about ourselves because we tend to project these

feelings on the world around us."

"Alone, we think less of ourselves, for sooner or

later we feel rejected."

These comments suggested to me that to overcome my problem I must become part of what I considered normal society and not remain in my chosen separateness. I knew the more I stayed apart from normal people's activities the more I isolated myself from the environment in which I must exist.

That isolation does invite and create devastating projection - the interpretation of 'what other people think.' That projection includes feelings such as: "Everybody wants me to fail. Nobody likes me. Nobody wants to be my friend." These thoughts and feelings are eager to occupy the dark spaces of one's mind when one's success lights are not turned on to see them lurking there in dark corners.

In his book, 'Conversationally Speaking,' Alan Garner advised: "When you seek idealistic goals without specifying their form, you will necessarily suffer from frustration after frustration until you are demoralized and give up." This gave me another clue that one's goals must be clear and specific.

Each small or giant step toward success must be according to a map that begins somewhere and ends somewhere. One simply will not be successful if one cannot describe what that specific success will be. One does not just pick success from alternatives on a silver tray; but must find success by knowing what it is before the trip begins.

Finding success and happiness is a special form of winning. Those who are successful at finding, and earning, their success and happiness are winners. Those who don't seriously seek success and happiness are, in some form, losers. I exclude the word 'can't' because anyone 'can' find their success and happiness if that's what they really want. Perhaps some people are too happy in their misery to want to find real happiness. In 'The Psychology of Winning,' Denis Waitley wrote, "Winners see their total person in such a fully formed perspective that they literally become part of the 'big picture' - losers say 'I'm only concerned with me, today.'"

Another source of advice and inspiration is too personal and meaningful to ignore. I read it recently in Robert Schuller's book, 'Move Ahead With Possibility Thinking.' The quote summarizes much of my effort to overcome my stuttering problem, as well as my self-image problem that accompanied my stuttering problem. It's a quote that Schuller acknowledges by an anonymous Irishman:

"Take time for work, it is the price of success.

Take time to read, it is the foundation of wisdom.

Take time to be friendly, it is the road to happiness.

Take time to laugh, it is he music of the soul."

These quotes and this advice by these writers, and many others as well, helped me find myself to turn myself own to understand those things I needed to understand to overcome my difficult problem. This information and these concepts are so basic and fundamental even Nature's little animals know how to use them. Yet, these concepts are also powerful and unfailing, if a person chooses to use them.

Too often, those who choose to seek complex answers to solve basic problems are merely seeking the magic bullet, to avoid personal responsibility. They wait for an answer outside themselves. One must want to find the answer within to find those answers that will solve their greatest difficulties. Solving those difficulties is the blessing of having those difficulties.

One can be successful and happy only if he or she understands success and happiness, and takes the first step and the next steps toward that success and happiness. The next step might be uncertain and scary, but it's always, without fail, exciting and rewarding.

That first step is easier in the light, if the light is turned on.

###

### About the Author

Will Clark's author experiences began by writing inspection and evaluation reports in the U.S. Air Force. He is a retired Air Force officer and a Vietnam veteran, serving in Saigon from 1966 to 1967. His other overseas assignments include Misawa, Japan and Ankara, Turkey.

In 1995, he authored a book, _How to Learn_ , as a county-wide study skills project to encourage students to improve their grades in DeSoto County, Mississippi. Education supporters printed and distributed four thousand copies. He also wrote a weekly education column for a local newspaper, _The Desoto County Tribune,_ the following school year.

His next published book was _School Bells and Broken Tales_ , a parody of nursery rhyme characters, also a motivation and education book for children. His other books include _Shades of Retribution_ , a historical novel, and _Simply Success_ , a motivation guide for students and employees.

His action novels include a trilogy based on Atlantis and crystals. The first book is titled: _The Atlantis Crystal._ The second book is titled: _She Waits In Atlantis_. The third is: _Return to Atlantis_. This trilogy is based on his travels while assigned to Turkey, site of the ancient city of Troy.

His previous political action novel, _666: Mark of the Beast_ , is a sequel to another political action novel, _America 20XX: The New World Order_.

Clark and his wife, Marie, live in Diamondhead, Mississippi, where they play golf with many friends.

### Other Books by the Author

Novels

Shades of Retribution

The Atlantis Crystal

She Waits in Atlantis

Return to Atlantis

America 20XX: The New World Order

666: Mark of the Beast

Death Drones: 2025

Children's Books:

Forest Trails and Fairy Tales

Wishing Wells and Broken Tales

Student Study Skills

American Heroes: Students Who Learn

**Non-Fiction** :

Simply Success

The Education Jungle

How to Learn

The Day America Died

Obama's Ring: The Seat of Satan

Managing Without Conflict

The Peer Pressure Monster

Obama, Hillary, Saul Alinsky and Their Useful Idiots

Denied 3 Times

The War on Christians

Who is the Antichrist

Islamic Two-Headed Beast

Islam Attacks the Whore

The Second Beast

Secrets of the Seven Churches

Two Woman of the Apocalypse

Islam's Bloodthirsty Sword

Once Upon A Revelation: About Islam

America Gasps

God's Islamaknowbe Warriors

Who is the Antichrist Beast?

Who is the False Prophet Beast?

Who is the Woman Jezebel?

Who is Babylon the Great?

What is the Tribulation?

Apocalypse 2019: Created by Jezebel, Muhammad and Barack Obama

Obama Rides A Scarlet Red Beast

Secret Codes of Revelation

Islam is That Beast

Trump, Apollyon, and Obama

A Reason to Believe

