 
**It's All About The Money**

Nick Comer

Copyright 2003 by Nick Comer

Smashwords Edition

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# the story

6 ex-University friends attempt to make £1 million pounds from a list of 6 ideas, having become bored of daily life after studying.

the characters

**TARQUIN:** A bit slower than the others, a better looking Rodney from Only Fools and Horses, smokes, rugby player, hasn't got much bottle but will follow the boys, privately educated before Uni so a bit of a toff but trying to shake off the image, gets touchy when it's mentioned. Very easily influenced and can be tricked into doing anything, as long as the bait is rewarding enough. Going thin on top but fierce in denial

Royston **(SAVAGE):** ladies man, always after the ladies, likes a drink and the smartest dressed, cleanest shaven, love 'em and leave 'em rogue, not big, bit underhand, dabbles in the moody underworld, knows a few famous people, did a degree at Uni in Psychology because more women do that course than any other, from Essex.

**BRODY:** Northern BRODY from Bolton, 6ft 4 inches, plays rugby, football and boozing, hates Southerners, poofs and smokers, although all of his mates are southerners. Keep fit fanatic, big build. Nutcase, but also well educated and clever with it. More interested in rucking than making money, but if the two work hand in hand then he's there. The King of wind-ups, sometimes taken to extreme but he thinks they're harmless. Works as an on-course bookmaker.

**OLLY:** Long black hair, tanned and always wears a suit two sizes to big for him, but the ladies like it – can be smooth with the girls but also can be harsh to them as well, wants to be top boy and a bit cocky, always up with the fashion but sometimes gets it totally wrong. Wants a bit of the action and leads negotiations on deals, harsh put downs and speaks how he sees it – no messing about, clever and knows it but can be too clever (ie, in front of a massive 6ft 6inch meathead!)

**DENNIS:** a goon from goon, everyone's mate, no-one's enemy, loves strip clubs which is his major vice, engaged to a millionaress who he won't let the boys see in case they mess up it up for him - wants to settle down but loves getting into trouble every now and again. He has the least common sense – everyone relies on him without realising just how much (ie, taxi's, money lender, advice etc...) wouldn't harm a fly but when he loses it, he loses it and shocks everyone – similar to the incredible hulk.

Lee **(MAISON):** He has the idea of making the million from the six ideas and writes them down on the 'Fierce Piece of Paper', normal, down to earth, witty, funny, and honest, ladies friend, lovable, naive, medium height, normal geezer – likes football, fit, non smoking, normal secondary education before Uni. The brains behind the operation. More interested in making money than anything else, and never turns down a free offer.

the scenes

# scene 1 graduation day

##### scene 2 office job

##### scene 3 a couple of weeks later

##### scene 4 OLLY returns

scene 5 the ideas

scene 5a BRODY on a date

scene 6 BRODY's workplace

scene 7 TARQUIN's workplace

scene 8 MAISON's home

scene 9 SAVAGE outside 'play your cards right'

scene 10 SAVAGE on the way home from studios

scene 11 the after dinner premiere party

scene 12 DENNISs on countdown

scene 13 MAISONs date with emily

#### scene 14 MAISON's house

scene 15 in a moody jeweller's

scene 16 SAVAGE, OLLY and MAISON at MAISONs house

##### scene 17 BRODY on 'who wants to be a millionaire?'

scene 18 DENNIS wedding

scene 19 the bookmakers

scene 20 TARQUIN and SAVAGE

scene 21 MAISON in his car

**scene 22** **TARQUIN at work**

scene 23 TARQUIN and the clinic

##### scene 24 MAISON and OLLY packing for everest

scene 25 MAISON on way to airport

##### scene 26 at the airport

##### scene 27 TARQUIN at work with the others

#### scene 28 TARQUIN late at night in the office

scene 29 the next day

scene 30 TARQUIN out and about

scene 31 kathmandu (4 weeks earlier)

##### scene 32 trekking from sagarmatha national park

scene 33 the hoax

scene 34 everest base camp

scene 35 the avalanche

##### scene 36 kathmandu hospital

scene 37 the article

scene 38 MAISON and SAVAGE

scene 39 MAISON counting the money

scene 40 the team

scene 41 the first game

scene 42 MAISON meets emily

**scene 43 reaching the fa cup 2** nd **round vs. qpr**

scene 44 warming up before kick off

scene 45 the match

scene 46 in the limo

scene 47 the casino

the screenplay

# scene 1

graduation day

On stage at University, the Graduates are walking up to receive their degrees from the Dean:

**THE DEAN:** Well done Dennis, congratulations

**DENNIS:** Thank you sir

_The voice over comments: "DENNIS, better known as DEN to his close friends can't wait to marry his millionaress sweetheart, and who could blame him. All the other boys aren't allowed to see her until it's a done deal, just in case they let it slip about_ _that_ _night in the strip club!"_

**THE DEAN:** Well done Charlie, congratulations

**BRODY:** Yeah, fierce.

The voice over comments: BRODY, the eldest of the lot and some say by 40 years judging from his granddad views that he never thinks twice about sharing with everyone – the token northerner of the bunch who can't stand Southerners, even though all of his best mates come from that neck of the woods."

**THE DEAN:** Well done Royston, congratulations

**SAVAGE:** It's SAVAGE, if you don't mind sir

**THE DEAN:** err, well ok then...well done... Royston SAVAGE, congratulations!

The voice over comments: "Royston, better known as SAVAGE, well known for being a bit of a rogue with the ladies, as his nickname justifies – nothing malicious, just a certain way in how quickly and ruthlessly he despatches of them once he's had his way. Now don't get me wrong, he has his moments of romance but these occur more in front of the mirror than they do over a candlelit dinner!"

**THE DEAN:** Well done Lee, congratulations

**MAISON:** Cheers sir, did you know that he cheated in his exams? _(pointing to TARQUIN who is walking up the steps of the stage waving to the crowd)_

The voice over comments: "MAISON, the brains behind the bunch and always on the sniff to make a few quid in anything he does. Girls come and go but money sticks, especially when it's in his bank account."

**THE DEAN:** Err.... congratulations Tarquin – how did you find the exams?

**TARQUIN:** I just sat down and there they were, right in front of me...!!

**THE DEAN:** Yes...hmmmm...yes of course...well congratulations Tarquin, and congratulations to you all!!

The voice over comments: "TARQUIN, well known for his rounded stomach and his like of raw pork belly. The well educated one of the lot - hard to tell from his slowness to grasp even the simplest fact that raw pork belly makes you fat!"

At the bottom of the stairs off the stage, TARQUIN asks MAISON:

**TARQUIN:** What did you say to him up there? I saw you pointing at me!?

**MAISON:** I just told him how hard you've been studying!

**TARQUIN:** Nice one, cheers!

MAISON then phones OLLY, who's in a jacuzzi in Bali with two girls on either shoulder:

**MAISON:** Alright son, you got a Desmond (tu-tu)

**OLLY:** Beautiful, I knew they wouldn't be able to resist that monkey I slipped in the exam paper.

The voice over comments: OLLY, the cockiest one of the bunch – loves living it up big time and also likes spending it big time. Ever since some bird dumped him for being too boring he's gone full circle and lives every day like it's his last – shame his money won't though!!

**MAISON:** So, when you back? Have you had much luck out there with the girls?

OLLY looks at both of the girls on either arm:

**OLLY:** Naaaa, nothing to shout about. I should be back by December, these two are as skint as me – you got any spare room at yours Christmas Day?

**MAISON:** Yeah, no worries – oh, and say hello to the fat one from me!!

###### end of scene 1

scene 2

# office job

MAISON's walking across a large office floor, 2 years later and chatting to his work colleagues:

**MAISON:** Alright Linda, how's Trevor from Accounts? He was a right mess last night...did he mention that he told me about you two...?

**LINDA:** He told you???!!!

**MAISON:** Yeah, no worries though – I won't tell a soul. I've already promised I wouldn't to Greg when he told me in the first place!!

The camera pans to Greg Kingspan, the office MD and total idiot, strange looking and he has a side parting covered with grease.

MAISON sits down at his computer; the screen saver is a massive Rocky IV picture with his own head superimposed on top of Rocky's. An email arrives; it's from OLLY and reads:

MAISON READS OUT:

"MAISON,

Cheers for Christmas again this year – your mum makes (and has) cracking spuds!!! Anyway, I'm coming back home for good in a couple of weeks – was hoping to catch up with you and the boys – my cash has run out again and I reckon we need to start making some serious money, seeing as you skint lot never came to visit me out here once. How about we meet up as an excuse for a weekend long p*ss up??!!

Let me know

OLLY"

MAISON REPLIES:

"OLLY,

Fierce – I could do with getting outta here - Linda and Trevor's love life was never on my agenda when we graduated. Let me know and I'll organise it with the boys to all meet down The Beath Tavern

MAISON"

Greg Kingspan gives MAISON some hand written notes:

**GREG KINGSPAN:** Lee, I need this typed up for a meeting in 2 hours. Give it to me in 1 – and don't be late!!

**MAISON:** Yeah, sure...........

MAISON looks at Greg Kingspan walking off and shoves two fingers up at him

MAISON COMPLETES EMAIL:

"Ps, you'd better get back here soon, otherwise you'll be waiting an extra 30 years for me to get out for murder before we can start making some serious dough!!"

end of scene 2

scene 3

# a couple of weeks later

MAISON, TARQUIN, and DENNIS are all in the local nightclub standing at the bar:

**TARQUIN:** So, OLLY comes back tomorrow then?

**MAISON:** Yeah, the littlest hobo – he never bloody stops moving about! I think he's properly skint this time though – that's sort of what tomorrow's all about. We're gonna be thinking of ways to earn some big number folding, instead of helping everyone else make it and then get sod all reward

**DENNIS:** Oh right, don't forget your crystal ball then as we could maybe ask it to produce six lucky numbers for that nights lotto draw!!

**MAISON:** F*** off DENNIS – if you're gonna be like that tomorrow then you can just f*** right off? Besides, Mystical MAISON has already got the key to the door of fortune and all will be revealed!

**TARQUIN:** What, like doing a bank job?

**MAISON:** Do you know something, it's so lucky you met me at Uni, otherwise you'd either be behind bars or dead by now – you peanut! All will be revealed tomorrow son, just don't be late, otherwise I'll get some other f***wit to take your place!

SAVAGE and BRODY turn up with a couple of girls on each arm. SAVAGE to all:

**SAVAGE:** Hello ladies – thought you lot might be in here. We would've been here sooner but got...well...held up shall we say!

**MAISON:** She could hold both of you up, judging by the size of her arms!

**SAVAGE:** Good one MAISON, don't see you having much luck tonight though...

**MAISON:** All in good time son, all in good time.

The two girls go off to powder their noses - the inside of their noses!

**MAISON:** You two chumps deffo about tomorrow then?

**BRODY:** Wouldn't miss the Mancs beat the soft Arsenal for the world...

**DENNIS:** ...and OLLY's back as well

**BRODY:** Oh yeah, that as well...

TARQUIN wanders off as 'Eye of the Tiger' comes on.

**MAISON:** He's not gonna try them one arm press ups again is he – it took him 6 weeks to recover, and then another 2 more before he came out of his house again after the last time he tried it!!

**DENNIS:** Someone stop him...

**MAISON:** Here, hold this...

MAISON gives his drink to DENNIS and goes to stop him doing the press ups but arrives just as he's started...TARQUIN slumps to the floor after hurting his arm and back. MAISON realises that there's a few girls watching so before helping TARQUIN, he finishes doing the one arm press ups to a great applause, then helps TARQUIN up and back to the bar with the others.

SAVAGE to TARQUIN:

**SAVAGE:** You twat – and you wonder why it's been so long since you had a bird!

**BRODY:** Talking of birds, I think them two we came in with have done a runner

**SAVAGE:** I'm not surprised after that performance from TARQUIN! Let's see if we can re-coup some of our losses!

BRODY and SAVAGE go wandering off on the blag together. MAISON wanders off to the bogs when he bumps into Emily Armstrong, his one time girlfriend from the past – she dumped him when he was 18 and he has never forgotten her. MAISON takes a dive for the bogs and runs off, but she watches him do so.

TARQUIN is in the bogs looking after his arm:

**TARQUIN:** That bloody song – if one more DJ plays that song again after I've had a few drinks I'll kill him! What's up with you?

**MAISON:** Nothing (puffing) just a blast from the past (panting) – Jesus, my hearts loving it – I can't even get it to go this fast down the gym! Anyway, don't worry about me - you gonna be alright to get home?

**TARQUIN:** Yeah, although hailing a taxi might be tricky

**MAISON:** I'm leaving now anyway – you fancy giving some cabbie a bit of abuse?

**TARQUIN:** Lead the way, you Big Fat Mr Cabbie B*stard!!

### end of scene 3

##### scene 4

OLLY returns

Saturday Morning – 11.30am

SAVAGE is getting dressed in a ladies bedroom – hair all over the shop and then nicks her watch,, pats her on the cheek and then walks downstairs to find BRODY on the sofa naked – SAVAGE runs to the toilet to throw up. He comes back and BRODY's putting on his orange shirt from the night before, having been woken up by the sick noises:

**SAVAGE:** (Whisper) Don't do that to me in the mornings – it was bad enough having to wake up with 'that thing' upstairs!

**BRODY:** Sorry SAVAGE, I can't remember taking my clothes off!

**SAVAGE:** What's the time...? (he looks about for a watch, then remembers he's got the girls watch) Oh yeah...Jeeesus, it's 11.30am, we're gonna be fierce late for the midday meet.

**BRODY:** I've gotta go home and wash – this sofa's covered in dog hairs.... (spitting and spluttering) I think I ate half a dog last night!

**SAVAGE:** Now now BRODY – she weren't that bad! ....... Let's go, before someone sees us, puts two and two together and comes up with the right answer!!

Outside the house:

**SAVAGE:** Where are we?

**BRODY:** (Shrugs his shoulders as he's doing his flies up)

SAVAGE to a passer by walking his dog on the green:

**SAVAGE:** Oi, geezer, can you tell me how I get to The Beath Tavern?

**DOG WALKER:** I can give you a lift if you want – we can take mine (points to a black cab) You can add it to the fare you still owe me – the one that you ran from last night!

**SAVAGE:** Oh right, I wondered what the grass stains were all about – it was his idea (pointing to BRODY who's 10yards behind still doing his flies)

**BRODY:** What?

MAISON, DENNIS and TARQUIN are in the pub. TARQUIN has got his arm in a makeshift sling from the night before and everyone's on Bacardi Watermelon as the lager is too harsh at the moment

**DENNIS:** So, what time is OLLY arriving then?

**MAISON:** Ask him yourself

Everyone turns as OLLY is standing in the pub, having just walked in with a fierce tan, shades and a dodgy Hawaiian shirt

**TARQUIN:** Nice shirt son – did you bring me back one?

**OLLY:** Naaa TARQUIN, I wouldn't have been able to fit it in the rucksack – know what I mean? How you doing fatty – you put on weight?

**TARQUIN:** F*** off! What you drinking?

**OLLY:** White wine spritzer with a Babycham top

**EVERYONE:** (Spits out their drink) A what?

**MAISON:** I thought these alcopops were bad enough. You haven't turned funny since you've been away have ya?

**OLLY:** Culture boys, culture – once you've experienced it, there's no going back – did you know that in Mongolia Babycham is worth more than gold!

**DENNIS:** Did you know that in the UK drinking 'Mongolian gold' is worth a good kick-in! You'll give this pub a bad reputation!

**OLLY:** Ha ha – you can tell he's never been within a 1-mile radius of that chair – now SIT DAAN, and shut it (mock digs and punches going on between the two) Where are the other two freaks? SAVAGE and BRODY?

SAVAGE and BRODY walk in:

**SAVAGE:** Alright Hobo, what the hell is that you're drinking?

**OLLY:** Ask DENNIS; he's the one who's taken great offence to it

**DENNIS:** I just said...........

**OLLY:** Sit Daaan!! So, did you miss me then? Listen, have I got some stories that'll make your eyes water and your balls bulge – there was this one time right when we were in Bermuda...

MAISON to TARQUIN:

**MAISON:** Come on, pay up – I told you it'll take less than 5 minutes before he started giving it the travelling stories.... come on - £5!!

**MAISON:** So, everyone recovered from last night? SAVAGE - I got word that you and BRODY were at Linda's house this morning, you know Linda – the bike from my work? Is that true?

**SAVAGE:** No

**MAISON:** Oh, it's just that someone told me there were two blokes looking lost, asking directions to the Beath Tavern and one of them was wearing an orange shirt. You sure you weren't there?

**SAVAGE:** Oh f*** it, yeah – look, you can have her watch if you like – it's a bloody fake anyway

**BRODY:** What's a fake? – the watch, or her orgasm last night! "Oh, Royston, Royston, Yes, Yes"

**SAVAGE:** Shut up whale boy! You looked all beached up on the sofa this morning! Just so you all know I was physically sick when I saw him with no clothes on – god only knows what the girls must do when he strips for them!!

**OLLY:** Handbags girls – one at a time now

**MAISON:** So OLLY, you had any thoughts on how we're gonna start making some proper money now that you're back full time?

**OLLY:** Well, I'm glad you mentioned it as I have got one idea...How about we start up a band and call ourselves "The Gee Bees"

**TARQUIN:** Is that it? That's the idea? I'll give him more than a bloody 'night fever' if that's the sodding reason why I've come down here with a dislocated shoulder, just to listen to this pratt make up some crap about a back to front shit pop group!

The football kicks off – Man Utd v Arsenal:

**BRODY:** F*** this – I'm watching the football – I've got an accumulator bet on this match

**OLLY:** What? What did I say – I've got all the outfits sorted and everything!

**MAISON:** I thought this might happen. Ever since you sent me that email I've been thinking about ways to make our million, to do it for ourselves and to prove that with a little brains and ingenuity we can stop being normal 9-5's and make something out of our lives. BRODY – come and sit down you northern fool. I've drawn up this list – it's a list that's got 6 ideas on it. These ideas are not about having fun, not about having a little jolly up, although I can guarantee this will happen in abundance along the way. These ideas are about making money – small amounts at first but as we progress we can make more and more. I've done the sums and if we complete all 6 of these ideas we can make £1million between us. I've allocated each task to a group. It's their job to complete the task and let the whole group know how much money has been made. As long as we're honest with each other there's no reason why we can't achieve this £1million quid. Who's in?

**DENNIS:** Hold on – it can't be that easy

**MAISON:** I never said these ideas were gonna be easy – I said if completed we'll make £1million

**BRODY:** What are they then?

**MAISON:** No – not that easy BRODY, I need you all to be in agreement before I show you – if you're not then I'll take you off the list and you won't have to do any of them, but then you won't get any of the money. None of these ideas are illegal, some may exploit certain people and markets for our own personal gain but that's the game you play – the fact is we can't be nicked for any of these ideas.

**BRODY:** So what are they then – I'm in!

**SAVAGE:** Yeah, I'll have some of that – sounds much more appealing than dressing up like Barry 'bloody' Gibb!

**OLLY:** Yeah, whatever.

**DENNIS:** As long as it doesn't involve anything that'll jeopardise my marriage to Benise then I'm in.

**MAISON:** I can't make any promises DENNIS, apart from the £1million.

**DENNIS:** You b*stard – you know I'm in.

**MAISON:** That leaves you TARQUIN – yes or no?

**TARQUIN:** Do I need to do any one-arm press-ups?

**MAISON:** OK – that I can guarantee – any one-arm press-ups will be personally carried out by yours truly – keepesh?

**TARQUIN:** OK – I'm in.

**MAISON:** Game on – BRODY, would you kindly get the beers in before I enlighten the group of what's in store for us all over the coming months!

######

###### end of scene 4

scene 5

the ideas

All of us are lashed, waving the piece of paper about the pub 6 hours later when Emily Armstrong walks in with a friend. MAISON notices her straight away, and instead of running, he has had sufficient alcohol to attempt to chat to her. She notices him and smiles.

**MAISON:** A'wight – Emily? Emily Armstrong?

**EMILY** : Hello Lee, how are you keeping?

**MAISON:** Oh fierce, just fierce – I'm with all my mates from Uni – how about you?

**EMILY:** I've just split from my husband – I'm here with my sister Claire.

**MAISON:** That's fierce, would you like a drink? How about a white wine spritzer and a Babycham top – did you know that in Mongolia Babycham is more expensive than gold! (MAISON winces at the thought of him saying this).

**EMILY:** Really? ok then, I'll try one - have you been to Mongolia then?

**MAISON:** Errr, yeah, the place is amazing...here you go – so, what are your plans for tonight? Do you fancy joining us? We'll try and cheer you up after your break up with...

**EMILY:** Oh, Dave – but I prefer to call him 'Dave the B*stard'

**MAISON:** Oh right – well come and meet BRODY the Nice, OLLY the Smiler, Caring TARQUIN, Happy SAVAGE and Merry DENNIS – all non-b*stards you'll be glad to hear!!

**EMILY:** Hee hee – ok then!

The group all sit about chatting, laughing and messing about. They play tricks on each other (BRODY's on the fruit machine and someone pulls his tracksuit bottoms down, someone kneels behind TARQUIN who's at the bar and pushes him over – there's a few magic tricks being done by MAISON and OLLY on the girls jewellery – hiding it etc.... DENNIS falls asleep standing up and SAVAGE tries it on with Claire, touching her leg etc.... Music playing is 'Going Loco' – the nightclub they go to is called Acalpulco!

MAISON to TARQUIN who are both standing round the dance floor watching Emily dance:

**MAISON:** I think I love her, all over again – what's all that about eh? Did you feel the same with what's her name – that wally you went out with – Vanessa?

**TARQUIN:** Sort of, I can't really remember as she was helping me in through my front door after finding me asleep on the stairs outside – maybe you should try something like that!

**MAISON:** Oh right – so I fall asleep right here then and see if she falls for me – wise up TARQUIN, she'll think I'm mad!

**TARQUIN:** No, I meant play for a bit of sympathy action with her. Like walk up to her, say you're tired and ask her if she fancies coming back for an early night?

**MAISON:** Yeah, I see what you mean.....erm.....alright then, no harm in giving her the full autochat treatment. Watch and learn fatboy!

As soon as MAISON goes to try it on with Emily, he falls down the stairs, one by one, to the dance floor on his backside and at that point OLLY walks over, pats MAISON on the head and steams over to Emily, making her laugh, giggle and flirting with her – she seems to fall for it and leaves the dance floor with OLLY.

MAISON trudges back to TARQUIN:

**MAISON:** Nice one TARQUIN, remind me not to listen to you again – hold on, isn't idea number 2 that we've gotta 'Get tickets to a film premiere in Leicester square and the after dinner parties'?

**TARQUIN:** Yeah

**MAISON:** Well let's hope they don't have any bloody stairs there then! Word is these parties are a goldmine for rich talent. Should be a nice little earner if you can get in with some of the posh birds there, they're loaded.

**TARQUIN:** I've been meaning to find out how we make money out of them?

**MAISON:** Well, I thought you'd never ask!! Do you remember that magic trick I did back in the pub earlier – the one where Emily's watch disappears?

**TARQUIN:** Yeah – so what?

**MAISON:** Well, I'm gonna show you how it's done for real, and how not to give it back!

**TARQUIN:** Yeah, but it's not ours to kee....p....oh I getcha – I like it, I like it a lot – Oi, hold on, I thought you said none of this was illegal

**MAISON:** It's not, coz we're not gonna get caught!! We wind up the toffs on our table and question their pride in a bet in front of all their women – they won't be able to refuse and we run away with a sack full of loot – Robin Hood's all round - It's magic!

**TARQUIN:** Oi MAISON – OLLY's leaving with Emily!

**MAISON:** No worries son, there are boundaries you don't cross – he's knows I'm after her – it's not like I haven't stopped talking about her for the last 7 years!! I'll see her around again soon, and hopefully it'll be without you dishing out advice, so next time I go in for the kill I won't be moseying on up to her with a numb bum!!

###### end of scene 5

scene 5a

BRODY on a date

MAISON is out after work with colleagues – Linda and Trevor are in the corner of a busy pub canoodling and then pretending they're not together – it's just ridiculous. They're all over each other one minute then sit far apart the next when another colleague walks over. This pub is in Central London and not one of MAISON's regular haunts. He's in his suit and drinking lager whilst chatting to work colleagues:

**MAISON:** No chance – The best goal in the FA Cup Final was Keith Houchen for Coventry, diving header 1987!

**DARREN:** Well, what about Ian Rush's two goals against Everton is 1986 – you can't get better than that?

**MAISON:** What if he'd scored 3? Surely that would be better though!?

MAISON looks confused at this stupid comment from Darren – the goon in Accounts!

**DARREN:** Oh yeah, Well you know what I mean?

**MAISON:** No, I don't – or what if he'd scored four, then when he was celebrating he found £1 on the pitch? Surely that would be better? Surely?

**DARREN:** Well now you're just being picky!

**MAISON:** But I'm right though aren't I, your last comment was just stupid!

**DARREN:** I guess so....

**MAISON:** Thank you – that means I win and it's your round!

MAISON is shaking his head in disbelief as Darren walks off. As he's looking round the pub he sees BRODY with a young lady at the bar. MAISON can't believe its BRODY – not because he's with a girl but because he's wearing an Arsenal shirt – and so is she. She must be a fan and he's doing it to impress her, or she made him wear it!! MAISON nearly wets himself and hides so BRODY doesn't see him! MAISON to himself:

**MAISON:** I don't believe it – I gotta show the boys this!

MAISON then walks up to the barman round the corner:

**MAISON:** Oi, John – there's a couple round the corner at the jump, both with Arsenal shirts on...can you take a photo of them for me...

MAISON hands him his picture phone, explains what to do but the barman is reluctant:

**MAISON:** Oh right, I getcha – how about a fiver and we never met, ok?

**BARMAN:** OK

The barman walks over to BRODY and his lady friend:

**BARMAN:** Two Arsenal fans in tonight? Can I get a photo so I can send it to my Spurs mate to wind him up!

**BRODY:** Err.... well....

**LADYFRIEND:** Yeah sure, it'll be fun.... come here and give me a big kiss!

BRODY reluctantly has the photo taken with her. The barman gives the phone back to MAISON, he looks at the picture and cracks up – he can't stop laughing. Next scene shows him walking home, still laughing whilst looking at the photo on his phone! The next day MAISON and the boys are out for BRODY's birthday. MAISON and the boys get to the pub early and start handing out A4 sheets of paper with something printed on. You can't see it but the audience can guess it's the photo from last night. BRODY walks in with his Man Utd shirt on:

**BRODY:** A'wight? what happened to all you chumps last night then – good evening?

The whole pub is plastered in these posters, behind the bar, above the bar, on fruit machines, on tables. MAISON has even slipped one on the back of BRODY's shirt and he's only been in the pub 2 seconds!! Everyone is sniggering:

**DENNIS:** Not bad BRODY, not bad...how was your night?

**BRODY:** Quiet!

Everyone now cracks up

**TARQUIN:** How did Sheffield Wednesday get on last night?

**BRODY:** I dunno – I couldn't give a toss about Sheffield Wednesday – there's only one teams results that count son, and I think you know who they are by now...

**MAISON:** Yeah, (he shows BRODY the picture).....Arsenal's

The whole pub start cracking up...BRODY is confused then realises it's him and just stays quiet! All the pub start singing:

**ALL:** BRODY for Arsenal...BRODY for Arsenal.... BRODY for Arsenal...

BRODY mumbles...

**BRODY:** ...b*stards!

###### end of scene 5a

scene 6

BRODY's workplace

BRODY is a bookmaker at a racecourse – Sandown, DENNIS and SAVAGE turn up to sort out the idea 1 on the list. BRODY has had a bad day and lost a few quid to the punters so is not in the best of moods

DENNIS to BRODY:

**DENNIS:** Alright BRODY, you had a good day? You not wearing your Arsenal colours today then?

**BRODY:** Sod off – no, it's not been a good day being £1,000 down, getting soaking wet and taking abuse and spit off some drunken witch!

**SAVAGE:** Well, do you fancy taking a few quid off us for the last race or shall we take our business elsewhere then, u moody sod!

**BRODY:** I'll take it – what d'ya want?

**SAVAGE:** £50 on Whisky Will in the 4.30 – can you place it right on the tip of his nose please!!

**BRODY:** 10/1 – no chance, he's never won yet

**SAVAGE:** Shut up and take it – you'll only be £950 quid poorer then won't you!

Fergal Lionel is the bookie next to BRODY and overhears this conversation:

**FERGAL LIONEL:** If you don't want the bet BRODY, you know I'll give the boy a good price!

SAVAGE recognises Fergal Lionel as the bloke BRODY hates on a daily basis – smarmy, as he's recently moved BRODY over a patch on the stalls and is making a few quid – black guy, with lots of jewellery on.

SAVAGE to BRODY:

**SAVAGE:** (Whispers) May I?

BRODY nods:

SAVAGE to Fergal Lionel:

**SAVAGE:** Excuse me, I didn't catch all of that!

**FERGAL LIONEL:** I'll give you 12/1 on the same nag, can't say fairer than that....

**SAVAGE:** You twat!

SAVAGE then pushes Fergal Lionel off his stool, and all of his computer stuff as well!

**SAVAGE:** You still gonna give me 12/1?

**FERGAL LIONEL:** Give me your money – 12/1 – there you go, it's not got a hope in hell's chance anyway!

The boys all watch the race and see Whisky Will come home by half a length, whilst all shouting 'whip the b*stard' – SAVAGE coolly steps up to collect his £600 off Fergal Lionel – who keeps the stake for damages – SAVAGE shrugs his shoulders and says:

**SAVAGE:** It was worth £50 to see you stack it, you big fat b*stard!!

All 3 hang around BRODY's patch, as everyone is packing up to go home:

**DENNIS:** That was handy – it should go someway to the £1million target

**SAVAGE:** No way – there's nothing in the ideas about personal gambling – I need this to lend to someone for well, it doesn't matter - I just need it alright so f***...off (we find out later it is lent to TARQUIN for covering up his bald spot with hair surgery)

**DENNIS:** So, idea Number 1 – "Apply to get on 3 game shows on the TV and accumulate the prize money from each show" (reading it from the Fierce Piece of Paper) I've thought of a few – how about Who Wants to be a Millionaire, Countdown, and Play Your Cards Right?

SAVAGE: So, we just apply for these shows with all the other hard up monkeys in the country do we? The odds must be about 500,000/1 to get on these shows – if we bet £1 on ourselves getting on then we're halfway there already!!

DENNIS: BRODY – please inform the gentleman of the situation!

**BRODY:** Well, Chris Tarrant, Richard Whiteley and Bruce Forsyth all have open accounts with me so a few favours pulled in the right direction should get us on the shows – leave it to me and I'll see what I can do!

**SAVAGE:** Ba da bo dooop, ba da da do Doooooooo (the Countdown clock noise, and then punches BRODY in the ribs, messing about!!)

BRODY glares at him

end of scene 6

scene 7

TARQUIN's workplace

TARQUIN works in the City for 'Gregle & Gregle Investments' and has two phones against his ears, fierce under pressure when OLLY and MAISON stroll in about midday. MAISON and OLLY can see TARQUIN, but he can't see them and they phone him up on his third phone:

**MAISON:** Ahem, yes...can I please purchase 8 kilograms of Investments please?

**TARQUIN:** Yes, sure...may I take your company na...me...what? 8 kilograms? F*** off MAISON – is that you?

**MAISON:** No, it's bloody Bob Geldoff – turn round fatty!

MAISON's waving his arms whilst OLLY is chatting up the secretary and you can overhear him saying "Alright treacle, It's very nice of you to say I look like Adam Ant – how about you come back to mine after work and I'll stand, whilst you deliver?. She giggles, MAISON whistles for OLLY to come over and they both wander towards TARQUIN:

**TARQUIN:** How did you two get in here? I told security to put your names on the banned list, especially after you came in here last time with your Scream mask and a plastic knife!!

**MAISON:** Yeah, keep it quiet when calling us by our real names – we're now Paul Topkins and Mathew Chives, from 'Farmer and Farmer Investments' in Norwich – ooooh arrrrrr!!

TARQUIN shakes his head:

**TARQUIN:** We've gotta get a new secretary out front – she'll bloody let anyone in as long as they try it on with her. You b*stards – what can I do for you? – I'm fierce busy at the moment.

**OLLY:** You got these tickets to a film Premiere yet? – word is the other boys are already in rehearsals for 'Play Your Cards Right' and we've got sod all to show for Idea Number 2.

**TARQUIN:** How does 3 tickets to Planet of the Apes II sound, with that Helena Bonham Carter – she's fierce posh and will have loads of upper class people there – half of this lot (the office) are all going

**MAISON:** Perfect – when is it?

**TARQUIN:** A week from today – you worked out how you're gonna get money out of them all yet?

**MAISON:** Yeah, we're on the case – you've done your job, now just come along and enjoy the ride – just one more thing, make sure we're on a table full of young rich blokes with their girlfriends, and that they all love themselves – you should fit in perfectly OLLY!

**OLLY:** Too-shay MAISON, Too-shay!

TARQUIN's phones are going bonkers and his boss; Bob Abob comes over to see what's the problem.

**BOB ABOB:** Tarquin, you never informed me you had a meeting today

**TARQUIN:** I don't

**OLLY:** We're just here to work out whether or not we want to invest in your company – Tarquin kindly offered to make us all coffee...

**BOB ABOB:** Well, in that case, let me get it for you – Latte's for both of you?

**OLLY:** Yeah – fierce!

**BOB ABOB:** I won't be a minute – Tarquin, make these two gentleman comfortable..

Bob Abob walks off to get the latte's:

**TARQUIN:** You'd better go – he already thinks he's up for the sack, I don't wanna stress him out anymore – I'll see you next week then. Oh by the way, how are we gonna arrive there? In style? I was thinking we could get jet packs? What do you two reckon?

**OLLY:** For a minute there TARQUIN I thought you said jet packs? How did you get past the interview stage here again – was it because that's how you arrived here? You total doogle!

**MAISON:** Other than the jet pack idea it was good work TARQUIN – I'll look forward to those 8 kilograms when you get a minute as well!

**TARQUIN:** P*ss off!

end of scene 7

scene 8

MAISON's home

MAISON's getting ready for the night ahead, the premiere of Planet of the Apes II and is in his bedroom when on the telly comes Play Your Cards Right and SAVAGE is on the box with some young tart he calls his long term partner!! This, MAISON has to see – he'd forgotten that it was tonight that SAVAGE was appearing – BRODY had indeed managed to call in a few favours.

(Scene of BRODY telling Forsyth that unless SAVAGE gets on his show this Saturday then he's gonna tell his producers that Forsyth owes £10,000 in gambling debts, and that isn't a good role model to have as someone who presents a gambling programme!)

**BRUCEY:** It's nice to see you, to see you NICE!

**MAISON:** No way, I forgot it was tonight – Well done BRODY – I dunno how you managed to swing that one so quick. Who the hell is that? (referring to SAVAGE's female partner)

On the Telly:

**SAVAGE:** Hello Bruce, my name's Royston SAVAGE and this is Angela – we've been seeing each other now for well over 4 years and are planning on marrying this Christmas, and to start a family.

(Scene shows SAVAGE running around outside the studios tempting girls off the streets and asking them to appear on Play Your Cards Right with him)

The audience cheer him and SAVAGE starts waving to them

BRUCEY: OK, we asked 100 people if sex in the morning was better than sex in the evening. How many do you think agreed with this statement?

The other players are to go first, there's some conferring and then they say:

OTHER COUPLE: 64 Bruce

BRUCE: Ok, 64. Royston and Angela – how many people do you think agreed with this statement?

SAVAGE: 65

The other couple glare at SAVAGE as he's just copied their answer and added 1.

BRUCE: The correct answer is 68. Royston and Angela, come this way!!

MAISON: You cheeky b*stard!! I like your style!

MAISON checks his watch – he's late

MAISON: Shit, I'm late – _(phone rings)_ Mum?? Oh Mum – nice one!!

MAISONS MUM: Well, hello to you to – what's up?

MAISON: Give us a lift to Leicester Square will ya – I'll owe you one

MAISONs mum comes round and picks him up. On the way MAISON phones BRODY and gets the full update, and finds out that SAVAGE stuck to adding one on top of what the other couple kept saying and walked away with a new Jeep and £5,000 cash.

(£20K comes flashing up on the screen to show the boys are on their way towards £1million)

MAISON: That's a minimum £20K to start with – let's see if we can beat that tonight!

MAISON turns up at Leicester Square in his mum's car and gets dropped off right at the front where TARQUIN and OLLY are waiting – he has to kiss her goodbye in front of all the celebrities and rich clientele:

TARQUIN: Now that's what I call style!

MAISON: Sorry, I must've missed your jet pack entrance!!

TARQUIN goes quiet!

OLLY: You should've invited your mum in with you MAISON. Does she still fancy me?

MAISON: I can't believe I told you that – she was drunk and she mentioned you were a handsome chap – that's all. Get over it!!

OLLY: No worries – just let me know if you've got any spare room this Christmas and I'll be more than happy to take up my usual position next to her at the table!!

MAISON gives OLLY a fierce look:

TARQUIN: Isn't that what's her name – the fit one from the DIY programme, the one with the massive knockers?

MAISON: Calm it TARQUIN, let's go to work. OLLY, you got your props?

OLLY: Yep, I don't leave home without them!

MAISON: TARQUIN, just pretend you don't know us, side with your posh mates and go along with whatever me and OLLY tell you to – don't get drunk, be a prick and then blow the cover. (WHISPERS ONE ON ONE TO TARQUIN) otherwise I'll tell everyone what clinic I saw you coming out of the other day!

Scene shows TARQUIN coming out of a hair clinic, patting the back of his head and holding an appointment card!

TARQUIN: OK, OK, I know the score! Let's go to work then and take my colleagues to the sword!

end of scene 8

scene 9

SAVAGE outside 'play your cards right'

SAVAGE is behind the scenes with Angela, chatting when it cuts in:

SAVAGE: OK then Babes, I'll give you a call soon yeah, maybe we could go out sometime?

ANGELA: Hold on, you promised me half of whatever we won tonight!

SAVAGE: Yeah, I know but I've gotta sell the car ain't I? Once I've done it I'll let you know straight away and we'll go halves. Look, here's my number - give me a call whenever you want and I'll let you know how I'm getting on.

SAVAGE has given Angela OLLY's phone number without Angela knowing:

ANGELA: So, you gonna offer me a lift home then?

SAVAGE: No

Angela is on the bus and feels bad about doubting SAVAGE, so she calls him up. The scene is cut to OLLY at the Premiere and in the cinema with his phone going off. Everyone is tutting and moaning as he makes his way to the door.

OLLY: Hello?

ANGELA: Royston, I'm just calling to say how sorry I am for snapping at you back in the studio – I know you'll be honest and just wanted to....

OLLY: Sorry – who is this?

ANGELA: It's Angela; Royston?

OLLY: There's no Royston here love – you've got the wrong number.

ANGELA: Royston SAVAGE, I'm trying to get Royston SAVAGE....

OLLY: Sorry love, I'm not Royston 'sodding' SAVAGE and if you see him, tell him to stop giving out this number – now f*** off!

OLLY walks back in to the cinema, people still glaring at him and MAISON asks:

MAISON: Who was that?

OLLY: Some tart for SAVAGE – I reckon it might have been the one on the show with him tonight – she sounded well stupid. Do you know that's the 4th time some old scrubbers phoned me up asking for him – I even had some bit of rope from Birmingham call up and ask me for more bum loving!! What he does with these girls I really don't wanna know – I reeeaaally don't wanna know

PERSON IN AUDIENCE: Sssshhhhh

MAISON AND OLLY: F*** Off!!

end of scene 9

scene 10

SAVAGE on the way home from studios

SAVAGE is walking along the pavement 5 mins outside of the studios when a car approaches and out steps the contestant he'd been playing against tonight on Play Your Cards Right – there's also his wife who gets out of the car too:

**SAVAGE:** You want directions?

**MALE CONTESTANT:** You f***ing cheat...., you cheated and we lost.

**SAVAGE:** Well, hold on a second mate, play the game - I just thought 'this guy's already lost, going on National TV and announcing that hound as his wife' so I thought what's the problem if he loses out again!! YOU WANT SOME!!

SAVAGE gets ready for the ruck, until another car pulls up and out steps two more blokes:

**SAVAGE:** Look mate, I was only kidding – she's a lovely little thing really...

_SAVAGE gets a good kick-in from these guys and is left to walk home, bruised and cut._ _(elaborate on the fighting scene)_

###### end of scene 10

scene 11

the after dinner premiere party

TARQUIN, MAISON and OLLY all sit down on a round table for the after dinner meal and check out the people they're on the table with. TARQUIN sits with colleagues – 12 to a table – OLLY's next to the only single girl on the table called Lisa. He obviously strikes up some conversation with her, but she's even more of a flirt than him, which eventually puts him off, especially when she starts taking the p*ss:

**OLLY:** If apes were to take over the planet, then I reckon I'll be ok....

**LISA:** What makes you say that then?

**OLLY:** Well, I have this special way with animals, I can communicate with them - straight up. Once, this dog was walking on this frozen lake and the ice cracked, he fell in and began to drown – I jumped in and rescued it, and ever since then I've had this ability to understand dogs and connect with them...

OLLY winks at another girl on the other table who happens to catch his eye, Lisa spots this:

**LISA:** Yes, it looks like you might be right, I can see you two are getting on famously already!!

OLLY takes offence to this and replies:

**OLLY:** Well....at least I'm not ......a......errr.......gay!

**LISA:** What – and I'm supposed to be?

**OLLY:** WEEEELLLLL, it's obvious ain't it (as he shifts back and forth, re-adjusting his tie)

**LISA:** Pathetic! (Lisa talks to her soup)

**MAISON:** OLLY, leave it out will ya – what do you reckon on those two opposite us – the two Goons from Goontown!!

MAISON refers to two toffs, big buffoons drinking whisky from big glasses!

**OLLY:** Yeah – ok then. Get dessert out the way and watch the master in action. It will be more fun than sitting next to this little lemon!

OLLY pulls a face as if he's just sucked on a raw lemon and Lisa sees this and carries on eating. TARQUIN is ignoring all of the activity opposite him with MAISON and OLLY and is chatting about rugby, Hong Kong and public school with his chums.

TARQUIN: Ah, yes. I agree – a public school education sets one up for a life in the city. I see these graduates from a common background and they just can't cut it – I put it all down to my School Master, Mr Butler – so what if he joined in the showers and made us run around the field naked at 7 in the morning – that's what makes us have this hard skin, both in business and pleasure

All the toffs laugh/quaff – MAISON:

MAISON: Prick!

OLLY: I bet they weren't laughing when he made them do 'special homework – know what I mean!!

MAISON: Ha ha – I thought one of 'em was sitting funny

Both MAISON and OLLY start laughing out loud and the toffs shut up and look at them blankly. There are three of them all sitting together now. Paul Pingley, Edward Banton and TARQUIN

**BANTON:** Sorry chaps, how rude of us – we never caught your names?

**OLLY:** Hi, I'm Roger, Roger Eton!

**MAISON:** Hi, people call me Buster!

**PINGLEY:** Well jolly nice to meet you both – did you enjoy the film? Sarah here found it frightfully dull, there was no spiritual interaction between the main characters and she thought the whole idea of monkeys controlling the human's quest for self-expression all far fetched.

**OLLY:** It was a film about monkeys – that's all. F***ing lighten up chump!!

**PINGLEY:** Oi, hold on here – I don't mind some heated de-bate but cut the filthy language, especially in front of the ladies.

**MAISON:** Well, perhaps the ladies had better leave then, if they're that f***ing offended!

MAISON takes one of the girls hands to escort her off from the table and steals one of her rings with his slight of hand.

**TARQUIN:** OK, OK, calm down – how about we all leave? (referring to the toffs and the ladies)

**OLLY:** What, we not good enough for you? Did us 'monkeys' not give you the deep and meaningful conversation you wanted? Ooo, ooo ooooo oo oo o o (monkey impressions)

One of the toff girls, Sarah Larding, notices her ring has gone and shouts:

**SARAH:** My ring? It's gone!

**TARQUIN:** It was him – he had his hand on her hand – I saw him take it whilst you were arguing – you bloody thief!

TARQUIN storms across the top of the table and goes for MAISON – MAISON side steps and TARQUIN stacks it. MAISON whispers to OLLY:

**MAISON:** I thought I told him not to act like a prick?

MAISON looking at TARQUIN:

**MAISON:** You looking for this?

MAISON shows him the ring and hands it back then TARQUIN gives it to Sarah:

**SARAH:** I never even felt it taken off my hand.

**PINGLEY:** Yeah, well just be more careful in the future – look, how about you go and put it back on, get yourself looking pretty again and mingle with a few of the actors – take Stephanie with you and we'll meet you both in a minute. We'll just tidy up everything here.

**SARAH:** Ok then, don't be long, my Boo Bear!

**OLLY:** BOO BEAR! BOO MONKEY more like!

MAISON to TARQUIN:

**MAISON:** No-one's ever seen me do that trick before – how did you spot it?

**TARQUIN:** Coz you looked like a thieving b*stard from the moment I saw you, and I used to dabble in a bit of magic in my younger days.

**MAISON:** Oh really, a big shot then eh? Well how about we see if you can work out my next trick, but this time let's make it a bit more interesting than just you falling ass over tit across the table!

**TARQUIN:** You're on – what's the stake?

**MAISON:** Your shoes vs my shoes.

**TARQUIN:** My shoes? These are £500 Gucci's.

**MAISON:** Fierce...and mine are £200 Nike's!

**TARQUIN:** Alright then!

MAISON does a magic trick (coins in hands trick, then guess which hand) TARQUIN guesses the left hand.

The scene cuts to MAISON explaining to TARQUIN in his bedroom before the premiere that the ball will be in his left hand

**TARQUIN:** The left hand

**MAISON:** Very good, very good indeed!

**MAISON:** How about your two mates? – do they want a piece of the action? I like the look of his watch oh, and also his shoes!! We'll match it with his car keys (OLLY's), an Audi TT, - oh and my shoes again!

Banton whispers to TARQUIN:

**BANTON:** You seem to know your stuff – do you reckon we could shut him up, win his car and get them to leave? This watch is worth £25K alone – I wanted to impress the ladies you see.

**TARQUIN:** Yeah, if that's his best trick then I'll know his whole range. Stick with me and I'll give you the answers.

Banton to MAISON:

**BANTON:** Alright then – bring it on, Chimps!

**MAISON:** OLLY – fierce go to work!

OLLY does the best trick ever with a plate by smashing it in two then asks how many pieces there are: TARQUIN doesn't have a clue, as this one wasn't rehearsed with OLLY, and he wouldn't have had a clue anyway, but guesses!

**TARQUIN:** Errr...2?

OLLY then magically puts the two pieces back together and says:

**OLLY:** Close...but not close enough!!

**TARQUIN:** Sorry boys – I've never seen that one before.

Banton and Pingley look at each other, shake their heads and concede defeat.

**MAISON:** Thank you ladies – anyone wanna know what the time is?

**OLLY:** Is it ten past Gucci? (as OLLY puts on the Gucci shoes!)

MAISON and OLLY leave the premiere – TARQUIN stays on to make it look authentic.

**MAISON:** This is worth at least £25K (MAISON holds up the watch) – I remember seeing one in a jeweller's shop window – exactly the same

**OLLY:** Well, what can I say – 'now that's magic' (Paul Daniels catchphrase)

OLLY and MAISON carry on laughing and staggering about the streets

**OLLY:** I'm off to Stringfellows – you up for it?

**MAISON:** Naaa, I'll get this lot home safely then read some exotic material before going to bed.

**OLLY:** Laters then, you w**ker!

OLLY goes off to Stringfellows to carry on the festivities whilst MAISON gets in a taxi home. On the way he phones up Emily Armstrong, feeling very confident with himself he thinks why not – she answers:

**EMILY:** Hello?

**MAISON:** Hi Emily, it's Lee.

**EMILY:** Sorry, who?

**MAISON:** Lee from the other night in the pub, you'd just split from Dave?

**EMILY:** Oh yes, sorry Lee – I've just woken up!

**MAISON:** Oh right, I didn't realise the time (as he looks at the watch he's just won) I was wondering if.... you.... if you fancied going out again for another drink? just me and you this time, so hopefully you won't have to see BRODY's ass!

**EMILY:** OK then, Wednesday?

**MAISON:** Yeah sure – I'll pick you up at 7?

**EMILY:** Do you know where I live?

**MAISON:** Yeah – I think I remember you saying the other night?

Scene cuts to MAISON hanging outside her house in his car, watching her go in and out with the shopping when she was with Dave – MAISON used to go round there sometimes if he was passing, just to catch a glimpse of her

**MAISON:** Well, see you then, and er.... sweet dreams!

MAISON puts his mobile down, high fives the Cabbie – and says:

**MAISON:** Take me home, and don't spare the horses you big fat 'high fiving' Mr Cabbie B*stard!! WAHOOOO!!

Both of them start laughing!

end of scene 11

scene 12

DENNIS on countdown

Everyone is in the pub, watching DENNIS on Countdown:

**MAISON:** This is unbelievable. I'm embarrassed

The camera shows DENNIS scribbling down, and also an 11 year old contestant scribbling down whilst the clock counts. DENNIS tongue is moving round his lips to show his high level of concentration. Richard Whiteley asks the 11-year-old girl, Candice Dell:

**RICHARD:** So Candice, you seem to be flying at the moment – how did you get on that round?

**CANDICE:** 9...numbskull

MAISON in the pub:

**MAISON:** She's taking the p*ss!! I don't believe it – on national TV she's actually taking the p*ss!

**RICHARD:** And Dennis, can you equal that?

**DENNIS:** Err, 4.........bums!

The entire pub breaks out in laughter, the two goons who check the dictionary on the show can't believe it and Richard says:

**RICHARD:** Yes??....bums......??? .and that makes it 64 points to 6 in Candice's favour with still two rounds to go.........

MAISON turns the TV off:

**MAISON:** I can't watch no more – he was supposed to be on that show for 2 weeks and get a £10K pay packet. Instead he lasts 30minutes and ends up looking like a £10K numbskull!!

**OLLY:** Are you sure he passed his degree? I know I wasn't there to see it but you did say they gave him his degree, didn't you?

**MAISON:** It beats me son, it really does. BRODY, I hope next week you'll try and not embarrass yourself quite so much on Who Wants to be Millionaire – I don't want them having to change the title to 'Who Wants to be beaten by an 11 year old!!'

**BRODY:** No worries MAISON – I won't be phoning up DENNIS to help me out!

**MAISON:** I'll make sure he switches his phone off – just in case!!

end of scene 12

scene 13

MAISONs date with emily

MAISON picks up Emily from her house – he has a second hand Punto and has spent all day cleaning it – it took 4 hours, especially when he came across some old 'magazines' he had stashed away in the boot!

**MAISON:** Hi, you look gorgeous.

**EMILY:** Thanks – you don't look too bad yourself.

MAISON looks at the floor, embarrassed

**MAISON:** So, you feeling energetic tonight?

**EMILY:** Excuse me?

**MAISON:** No, I mean for the date – look, forget I said that - all will be revealed, trust me!

MAISON opens the door to his car. They're both talking in the car on the way there:

**EMILY:** So, where are you taking me tonight then?

**MAISON:** Well, if I remember correctly you're a Chelsea fan?

**EMILY:** .........and still am!

**MAISON:** Well, how's about two tickets to the Champions League decider?

MAISON gets the two tickets out of his top pocket and hands one to Emily

**EMILY:** You star – COME ON YOU BLUEESSSSS !

**MAISON:** Chelsea Chelsea, Chelsea Chelsea!!

Both MAISON and Emily are smiling at each other in the front seat of the car and you see them driving off still singing, towards the game. At the game MAISON finds himself in the hardcore section of the Chelsea ground, with the crowd swearing and being aggressive towards the opposition. MAISON apologises to Emily about their behaviour and language, she then stands up and joins in the crowd singing:

**CROWD/EMILY:** ......and go get your farmers gun, and shoot the German scum, shoot the German scum...

MAISON's well impressed with the fact Emily has joined in and stands up to help her out. He was worried about it being a bit of a common date but this has totally got him at ease. You see MAISON and Emily jumping up and down when a goal goes in, hugging and laughing – you also see them shouting and pointing. The music playing whilst there are this scene is 'Aztec Gold from the 1986 BBC theme tune'. They also show the scenes after in the pubs and walking down the street after the game. The audience see that both have something in common and get on really well without the need for posh dinners/fancy wine bars. Emily is on MAISONs shoulders in the pub afterwards and the whole pub are singing to them, with Emily leading the singing

MAISON then pulls up in the car outside Emily's house, the music stops and Dave the B*stard is waiting for her when they pull up:

**DAVE:** What time is this?

**EMILY:** Oh shut up Dave...what's it to you anyway?

**DAVE:** I'll tell you what it is to me, you stupid cow – you've changed the f***ing locks!!

**EMILY:** I've changed the locks coz I've changed my husband – don't you get the message?

**MAISON:** Look mate – don't spoil a good night eh? Can't you understand what she's saying to ya?

Dave looks at MAISON and spits at him before he turns and spits at Emily. MAISON then tells Emily to get in the motor – she gets back in the car. MAISON and Dave are squaring up:

**MAISON:** You've just spat on my shoes – do you know how much these shoes cost?

The shoes are the pair that MAISON won at the film premiere – there is a silence and Dave goes for MAISON with a punch. MAISON gets out of the way – Dave has been drinking and is not the quickest on his feet. As Dave staggers past MAISON, MAISON boots him up the ass with his spat covered shoe. Dave stacks it into the boot of MAISON's car, hits his head and slumps to the floor. MAISON looks at his shoe, the spit has now been cleaned off when he booted Dave's ass with it. MAISON assesses his shoes and says:

**MAISON:** You could've at least had a guess!!

MAISON gets back in his car and drives off, with Dave falling and slumping onto the pavement. MAISON checks his watch, realises it's come off in the fight and has to go back for it to find it (it's the one that he won at the film premiere). It's next to Dave; he picks it up and puts it back on, pats him on the head and says:

**MAISON:** Sweet dreams!

end of scene 13

#### scene 14

#### MAISON's house

MAISON walks in with Emily, his coat is round her and she's been crying. MAISON puts the light on and flicks the switch on the kettle

**MAISON:** You know, you can stay the night here if you want? Dave will wake up sooner or later, if the police don't get to him first and...well.... it'd be safer for you here.

**EMILY:** I'm not sure, I've gotta work tomorrow and the dog needs looking after...

**MAISON:** How about I drive you back home first thing in the morning, real early. I'm sure Dave won't be there then, unless he's brought his camping gear and stove!

Both of them laugh and MAISON hands Emily a cup of tea.

**EMILY:** Ok then, let's see how comfortable your sofa is then!

**MAISON:** That's for me to worry about – you get the double bed, I insist – I'll stay on the sofa.

**EMILY:** are you sure?

**MAISON:** I kip on it most nights anyway. I still haven't seen any of those films...

MAISON points to his large collection of DVD's)

...from start to finish yet!

**EMILY:** Ok then, I'll see you in the morning, and thanks for a great night – I reckon you should be playing for Chelsea if you can still kick as accurate as when you kicked Dave!

**MAISON:** Well, the nights not over yet!

There's a bit of a silence as Emily's unsure of what he means...

**MAISON:** How do you fancy Chelsea V Munich, all over again?

MAISON switches on his Nintendo and they sit there playing FIFA 2003 for a couple of hours – rolling about on the floor, concentrating, running around celebrating a goal and then Emily scores the winner and MAISON collapses backwards. The music is a small clip of Aztec Gold again, to remind the audience of the good time they had before, was happening again.

They both semi giggle at the fact she's won, Emily kisses MAISON on the cheek and then heads off to bed.

**EMILY:** We've got an early start in the morning remember?

**MAISON:** Yeah, you're right...goodnight!

MAISON collapses on the sofa as Emily disappears upstairs, and he has a smile on his face, then takes off his shoe and looks at his foot. It's sore and comments:

**MAISON:** I don't think Chelsea would want me now!

He also takes off his watch and says:

**MAISON:** And first thing tomorrow you're getting sold!!

A sigh of relief on MAISON's face as he realises the £1million is on track!

end of scene 14

scene 15

##### in a moody jeweller's

MAISON is in an underground Jeweller's – the bloke who owns it is called Mick Sanger; he has a fierce Irish accent and is surveying the watch very carefully:

**MICK:** There's a scratch on it here, look!

**MAISON:** Yeah, well when I said one careful owner – I also meant he did have to leave the house with it on sometimes – look, how f***ing much for it? We both know it's real so let's get down to business...

**MICK:** £20K – final offer

**MAISON:** Who the f*** are you, Chris Tarrant? - £24K and I'll leave you alone. It's yours!

**MICK:** £22K (spit in his hand) stamped?

Mick puts out his hand – MAISON then licks his, puts his hand out and says:

**MAISON:** £23K and you get these shoes – Gucci £500

**MICK:** What am I supposed to do with them?

**MAISON:** Wear them on your f***ing hands – what do you think you're supposed to do with them?

**MICK:** OK OK – it's my boy's birthday next week and I'll give them to him. Deal!!

They both shake hands, and then immediately wipe them after because of all the spit exchanged. MAISON then walks out of the shop with no shoes on. He stops on a bench down the road very happy with himself and takes off his cap to rub his head and relax. Some old dear walks past and puts 80p in his upturned cap, thinking he's homeless coz he's got no shoes!! MAISON laughs as she walks off smiling!

end of scene 15

scene 16

SAVAGE, OLLY and MAISON at MAISONs house

SAVAGE and OLLY turn up at MAISONs – he doesn't answer the door as he's on his Nintendo playing FIFA. SAVAGE has to climb on top of OLLY's shoulders and knock on the window. MAISON moans to himself then lets 'em in.

**MAISON:** WHAT?

**SAVAGE:** F*** off you moody sod

**MAISON:** I'm in the World Cup Final and it's 1-1. Can't it wait?

**SAVAGE:** No it can't

SAVAGE then slaps £20K on the sofa and MAISON stops immediately what he's doing.

**MAISON:** You sold the car then? – what about that little dolly bird, you sorted her out?

**SAVAGE:** If you mean shagged her, then yes. If you mean given her any money, then no – I don't intend on bumping into her for a while and with only OLLY's number for a contact I doubt I'll see her again!

**OLLY:** yeah, hilarious – I still owe you one for that!! She keeps ringing but I just pretend to be either drunk or foreign – she'll get the message soon enough!

**MAISON:** Nice one, so plus my £23K for the watch, that makes a nice £43K already!

**SAVAGE:** What about those shoes, you sold them yet?

**MAISON:** Forget the shoes – it's a long story!! That reminds me, plus 80p!

**SAVAGE:** 80p for the shoes..? I'll let you off, I never liked 'em anyway!!

**OLLY:** So, what's next then? You got that list here somewhere?

**MAISON:** Oh yes!

MAISON brings out a framed original copy of the list

**SAVAGE:** A £1million masterpiece!

**MAISON:** The perfect spot!

MAISON puts it up in his living room and everyone stands back to admire it

**OLLY:** Ok then, apart from hanging it up in your front room MAISON, what's next?

**MAISON:** Go pack your thermals son, we're off to Everest

**SAVAGE:** I've been thinking about that one MAISON, I don't reckon the papers will go for it, I mean who thinks the Abominable snowman exists anyway? It's too far fetched!

**MAISON:** Check this out

MAISON shows them an article from a 1980 copy of The Times, with the headline 'Abominable Snowman Spotted.' SAVAGE reads it:

**SAVAGE:** Alright, I'm in – this sounds fierce!!

**MAISON:** To be honest boys, £1million is gonna be the icing on the cake – how we get there is what makes it the fun part – we're off to Everest Base Camp whilst DENNIS, BRODY and TARQUIN have gotta get jobs at the same company – now who's had the re-sult eh?

**OLLY:** Quality – how did you get them to agree to that?

**MAISON:** I told them it's –30C, no British food, it always snows and rains and above all, there's no women!! They thought they were getting the re-sult by staying put after I'd spoken to them!

OLLY and SAVAGE look at each other then say:

**OLLY AND SAVAGE:** No women????

###### end of scene 16

##### scene 17

##### BRODY on 'who wants to be a millionaire?'

All the boys are in the audience to watch BRODY on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire' – the show hasn't started yet and they're standing outside:

**SAVAGE:** DENNIS, how's the wedding plans coming along? Two weeks time ain't it?

**DENNIS:** Well, not too bad actually. We've been looking at flowers last week and...

**SAVAGE:** Sorry DENNIS, you ever asked a question before and not given a shit what the answer is? Well that was definitely one of those times!

**MAISON:** £43K and counting boys – if he clocks £1million here tonight we won't even have to do the rest of the ideas!!

**OLLY:** Hold on, I wanna go to Everest – I've bought all the gear and everything!

**SAVAGE:** Yeah, I need a couple of months away to let the heat get off me a bit – I bumped into that bird off of Play Your Cards Right – phwooarr – what an earful that girl can give – I just thank the person who introduced windows into men's lavvies – she's probably still waiting at the bar for me now!!

**MAISON:** You two have certainly changed your tune! To be fair boys – this is BRODY we're on about here, I'll be happy if he gets £1,000, let alone the big one!

**TARQUIN:** Who's his 'phone a friend'?

**SAVAGE:** What?

**TARQUIN:** If he doesn't know the answer, who's his 'phone a friend' option?

**MAISON:** We never thought about that?

**OLLY:** Look, I'm the best travelled out of all of ya, I've seen cultures and religions that none of you know exist – I'll go and wait outside – you just let him know that all he's gotta do is phone me on the mobile!

OLLY walks away from the gathering outside the studio doors and goes and waits outside the building. Meanwhile, MAISON phones BRODY to let him know to give OLLY a call if he needs him! BRODY's up to speed with it all and the show starts:

**TARRANT:** In the highest order, which are the tallest mountains on the planet?

  1. Mt Everest

  2. Mt Kilimanjaro

  3. Ben Nevis

  4. Mt Blanc

BRODY had been reading up on Everest because of the boy's trip there and knew the answers immediately.

**TARRANT:** and the fastest person was... in 3.4 seconds - Charlie BRODY!

**MAISON:** I bet a few of his girlfriends would agree with that time too!!

The boys in the audience start cracking up laughing!

BRODY comes forward and the money starts rolling in. The camera starts doing a scene by scene of the question, then the answer then a cheque fading across the screen. The music playing is 'Putting on the Ritz' . BRODY then gets up to £125,000 but has used the 'ask the audience' and also the '50/50'. All he has left is 'phone a friend' and he doesn't know the answer to the question – the music stops:

**TARRANT:** In what Sea is the island of Bali situated? Is it

  1. Arafura Sea

  2. Banda Sea

  3. Bali Sea

  4. Bismarck Sea

**BRODY:** That's fierce hard – I've only ever been as far as Blackpool before! Can I phone a friend? It can't be C – that's too obvious!

**TARRANT:** Yeah, sure – who's it going to be?

**BRODY:** OLLY – he's travelled around a bit so he may well have been there!

BRODY knows full well OLLY has just come back from Bali and so do the boys – they reckon OLLY will know this one for sure and win £250,000.

The scene now cuts to OLLY, 10mins earlier. OLLY is bored, standing about and leaning up against the wall. He spots some girl outside who's come out for a cigarette; she's the secretary of the TV studios:

OLLY: A'wight? Do you need a light?

He offers her a light.

TONI: Thank you – are you not cold? I've noticed you through the glass; you've been here a long time!

OLLY: Yeah, I am a bit – know anywhere I can warm up?

OLLY winks at her! She throws her cigarette away and they start kissing frantically – they end up in the alley between two studios and are having sex when OLLY's phone goes off:

TONI: Ignore it.

OLLY realises why he's out there in the first place!

OLLY: I can't – hold on.

BRODY on the phone to OLLY, the whole studio audience can hear him!

BRODY: OLLY, it's BRODY – you alright mate?

OLLY: errr, yeah – fierce!

TARRANT: Hi OLLY, Chris Tarrant here – I'm going to read you a question and you need to tell Charlie the option you think is the correct answer. He's on £125,000 and he needs this to take him up to £250,000.

OLLY: OK. Fire away.

**BRODY:** In what Sea is the island of Bali situated? Is it:

  1. Arafura Sea

  2. Banda Sea

At this stage the audience hear kissing and panting from Toni and MAISON shakes his head:

**MAISON:** He's only gone and pulled some bird, she's all over him!

BRODY continues:

  3. Bali Sea

  4. Bismarck Sea

**OLLY:** C) Bali Sea

**BRODY:** You sure?

**OLLY:** Of course I'm sure – I took some bird out on a boat for 3 days on it!! Go with C – I've gotta go!

More panting is heard before OLLY hangs up. The audience, including the boys all start giggling – so does Chris Tarrant

**TARRANT:** So Charlie, you happy with that answer?

**BRODY:** Yeah C, final answer!

**TARRANT:** You've just won £250,000!!

Everyone goes bonkers – security have to calm the boys down as they jump around hugging each other - and there's a bit of a scuffle with security, nothing major though!

Everyone is then down the pub afterwards, including BRODY with all the boys, and OLLY walks in after he's just finished what he was doing with Toni the secretary!

**OLLY:** So, was I right then? Course I was – did you go for the £500,000 question?

**BRODY:** Naaa, no way – something about a painting in the 17th Century. Tarrant wanted me to go for it but I told him where to go!

**MAISON:** You bloody liar – he was gonna answer it, proper serious stuff but Tarrant put him off – good job too seeing as he would've got it wrong – he got well carried away with himself!

**TARQUIN:** So, what's that then? £250,000 + £43,000 makes a nice £293,000 – we're over a quarter of the way there!

DENNIS to TARQUIN:

**DENNIS:** Old Carol Vorderman over there's a bit quick with his maths today!

**TARQUIN:** Well, you don't need to be an 11 year old to work that one out!!

All the boys start laughing at DENNIS with reference to his Countdown defeat, and they're also well pleased that they're well on their way to getting £1million.

end of scene 17

scene 18

DENNIS wedding

All the boys are walking into the Church, which is a big, huge Church. MAISON is late, which is not like him. Everyone asks where he is, then he turns up running and sits at the back of the church with everyone. BRODY fires up the portable TV:

**BRODY:** Late MAISON? If that were me you'd be moaning your head off.

**MAISON:** Sorry boys – you know how it is!

**BRODY:** Trust DENNIS to get married when the Grand National is on – didn't he check for these things beforehand!? Do you know how much money I'm losing today by not being at the racecourse? Do ya?

**MAISON:** Cheer up BRODY - it's not exactly his call is it – her old man's stumping up the cash for this one – I heard the other day it's got up to £100,000 all in all!!

**SAVAGE:** Which gives me 100,000 reasons why not to get married in the first place!! Talking of which MAISON, how comes you never invited Emily along – I thought this would be right up her street!

**MAISON:** Leave it out, with you lot here?! DENNIS had the right idea by keeping us away from his one until today.

**SAVAGE:** Talking of which – stand up.

DENNIS girlfriend Benise comes walking down the isle to the tune of 'here comes the bride' SAVAGE gives her a little wink – acknowledgement to the fact that he thinks DENNIS has done well for himself! BRODY completely ignores it all as he tries to get reception on his portable TV. The wedding gets underway and BRODY finally gets some reception

**BRODY:** They're off

The race starts and the boys slowly draw their attention to the TV as they've put £2000 of their money on a 14/1 shot – Jetpack Mick – in honour of TARQUIN's calamity suggestion. TARQUIN is not watching as he wants no part of it but it'll be £28K if it wins! Now the wedding becomes irrelevant and the race is hotting up – Jetpack Mick can be quite clearly seen by the audience as the whole screen is taken up by this race. Jetpack Mick (in pink) is neck and neck with Monitor Barns, the other leading horse. SAVAGE can't contain himself no longer:

**VICAR:** So Jesus stood up, faced the crowd and pronounced..."

**SAVAGE:** "Whip the b*stard, whip him, whip him" (in reference to the jockey on Jetpack Mick)

The whole congregation turns round and watches the boys high fiving each other and trying to be quiet but cheering at the same time. DENNIS is not impressed and Benise gives him one hell of a look.

At the reception everyone is on the same table – a little late in the evening when all the ties are loosened and hair a bit out of place. DENNIS comes over:

**DENNIS:** You know I said you could all meet Benise today, and that she was looking forward to seeing you all – well she's not, and she wants to keep it that way for the foreseeable!

**SAVAGE:** Ok, whatever – we had £2K on a horse in the National, did you tell her it weren't our fault that you both decided to get married today?

**DENNIS:** No, I just agreed with her, you know how it is!? How much did we win?

**MAISON:** £28K – that's £321K and the same amount of ideas left – do you get the feeling that this is actually gonna happen?

**BRODY:** No

**MAISON:** Yeah, well, it is – I can feel it. We're off to Everest soon and I reckon by the time we get back – you, TARQUIN and DENNIS should be well on your way towards working for the same company.

**BRODY:** I hope so, coz being a bookmaker is no fun when you have come to people's weddings instead of making your own fortune on the busiest day of the year!

**DENNIS:** Well I'll take that back then if that's how you feel!

DENNIS takes his drink away.

**MAISON:** Give it back to him you doogle, that's the only thing that's making the miserable sod talk at all today– anyway, you seen OLLY about? I need to make sure he's up to speed with Everest.

**DENNIS:** Go check the dance floor – last time I saw him he was cracking on to Benise's mum! And who could blame him – she's worth £8 million herself

**SAVAGE:** Well that's handy then coz that's how much you'd have to pay me to sleep with that old witch!

###### end of scene 18

scene 19

the bookmakers

MAISON walks into the bookmakers, ready to collect the £28,000 win from the Grand National. MAISON, and also the rest of the group, don't like this bookmakers (his names Ralph), as all he's ever done is take money off them – this is now his turn to get some back. MAISON wants to wind him up a bit, even more than he's going to be by having to pay £28,000 in the first place. MAISON decides to just ignore all of his questions and pretend to not understand them, substituting them for other questions bet related:

**MAISON:** I've come to collect the winnings...

**RALPH:** Sorry son, that's £28,000 – I don't pay out that much over the counter!

**MAISON:** Yeah, £28,000 – on the nose!

MAISON walks away to look at the TV's

**RALPH:** LOOK, I DON'T PAY OUT THAT MUCH – ARE YOU DEAF?

**MAISON:** 14/1 it was – I put £2,000 on – that's right!

**RALPH:** I'll say this one more time – you're not going to get your money today!

**MAISON:** The race was good – did you see it?

Ralph is very busy and a queue starts to form. He starts serving the other people, and throws MAISON's ticket back to him

**RALPH:** Bloody kids!!

MAISON reaches through the slot in the counter and grabs Ralph.

**MAISON:** Now I don't remember you saying that to me when you took the bet, so please don't start saying that when it's time to pay out – you gonna pay me now or am I gonna keep you like this all day?

Ralph's face is pressed up against the glass – he agrees to pay. MAISON walks through and he counts the money out.

MAISON walks out with the money and not another word is exchanged between the two – MAISON is smiling to himself – everything is turning out ok!

###### end of scene 19

scene 20

##### TARQUIN and SAVAGE

SAVAGE won £600 at the races earlier on in the film and said it was for someone – he's lending it to TARQUIN so that he can have hair implanted into the back of his head - this is the deposit, as by the time the operation comes round, TARQUIN is expecting to have the money from the ideas by then to pay for the rest!

**SAVAGE:** This £600 – you gotta tell me what it's for. I'm not a bloody charity you know!

**TARQUIN:** Look, if I tell you then you promise not to tell anyone – I mean it, this is serious stuff and I haven't got a problem in fighting you if you do!

**SAVAGE:** Hold on, I'm lending you £600 and then your offering to fight me? How does that work then?

**TARQUIN:** Just don't tell anyone and it'll be fine.

**SAVAGE:** OK OK – now, what's it for?

**TARQUIN:** I need it for a deposit on sorting out my bald spot – I'm going bald and want to do something about it now – before all you lot start taking the p*ss!

**SAVAGE:** What d'ya mean start taking the p*ss – we have been for the last two years!

**TARQUIN:** Well, now it's getting worse, and with MAISON around he'll make my life murder when we're together!

**SAVAGE:** I see – well here you are, give me it back when you can and let me know when you're going for the pre check up – I'll give you a lift so that no-one else has to be involved.

**TARQUIN:** Cheers SAVAGE, I knew you wouldn't let me down

**SAVAGE:** No worries big man, no worries at all.

SAVAGE walks off and gets straight on the phone to MAISON:

**SAVAGE:** You're never gonna believe this................

###### end of scene 20

scene 21

##### MAISON in his car

MAISON: Lovely piece of gossiping SAVAGE – leave it to me and I'll organise it!

MAISON laughs as he re-dials Emily's number to catch up on how she's doing and if she wants to go out again, seeing as they had such a great time the other week.

**MAISON:** Hi Emily, it's Lee – how are you?

**EMILY:** Fine

**MAISON:** So, you been practising your Nintendo skills since we last met? I know I have, I reckon I could beat you if...

**EMILY:** Look, Lee – the other night was great, I really enjoyed myself....

**MAISON:** but...

**EMILY:** But...Dave and I have decided to give it another go – it's not your fault, I just think he deserves as second chance.

**MAISON:** Well it would be his fifth chance from what you said the other night – how many more times are you two going to split up?

**EMILY:** Bye Lee, thanks for everything.

**MAISON:** Look Emily, I'm sure we could work some...(phone goes dead)

MAISON stops the car, puts his phone down and leans his head on the wheel. A policeman pulls up and taps on his window.

**COPPER:** Hello sir, is there a problem?

**MAISON:** No.

**COPPER:** Well could you please step out of the car then?

**MAISON:** F***ing great! This is all I need!

**COPPER:** If you'd just like to blow into this for me..........

MAISON gets breathalysed; he passes, as he's stone cold sober. The policeman notices the £28,000 sitting in plastic bags on his passenger seat.

**COPPER:** Christmas come early has it?

**MAISON:** Yeah, I'm bloody Father Christmas ain't I, how do you fancy playing Rudolf?

**COPPER:** Very good sir – if you can step into the car and accompany me to the station.

**MAISON:** You what – you're gonna arrest me for calling you Rudolf? – well, hold on – how about you arrest me for something worthwhile like 'You little f***ing Hitler, why don't you go and find some rapists and murderers, or how about you try nicking yourself – that'll help with getting at least some of the filth off the streets'

MAISON's tone becomes less aggressive after he realises what he's just said:

**MAISON:** ....you ......big fat..............b*stard"

**COPPER:** If you could just repeat that first line again sir, that was the only bit I missed in my notes – but never mind – I can find that out from you later!

MAISON gets escorted to the police station, stays for 6 hours and gets a caution after the police phoned up the bookmaker to verify MAISON's story – MAISON thought Ralph may grass him up for violent behaviour, but Ralph was so relieved that their phone call was for such a trivial matter he totally forgot – he thought they were calling to investigate his tax submissions and late hour opening!

MAISON's released and TARQUIN comes and gets him:

**TARQUIN:** What about the money – did they give you the money back?

**MAISON:** Good to see you to TARQUIN!! yeah...yeah, they gave me the money back....now let's get back to work, no more sidetracks eh!

**TARQUIN:** Next stop Everest?

**MAISON:** Next stop the café – I'm starving!

###### end of scene 21

scene 22

TARQUIN at work

TARQUIN gets called into Bob Abob's office, his boss.

**BOB:** We're recruiting a couple more fund manager's today Tarquin and we want you to undertake the first round of interviews, seeing as your going to be working very closely with these people – basically, we're promoting you to a Fund Manager Manager, if you wish?

**TARQUIN:** A Fund Manager Manager – people will just think there's been a spelling mistake when I hand them my card!

**BOB:** Well, obviously we can come up with a more suitable title after we get the team in place. I've got a list of 4 candidates I'd like you to see this morning, starting in 20 mins – I trust this is ok?

**TARQUIN:** Fine – bring the poor buggers in!

Bob looks strangely at TARQUIN, not knowing whether he's joking or serious!!

After a couple of interviews, with the song Pink Floyd's 'Oi, Teacher, leave those kids alone' playing, in walks BRODY!!

TARQUIN is taken aback!

**TARQUIN:** What you doing here? Why you wearing a suit?

**BRODY:** I've come for the job – the Fund Manager's vacancy!

**TARQUIN:** You're having a wind up – you're a bookmaker, not a Fund Manager

**BRODY:** Was a bookmaker – I got fed up with it all – I was catching a cold every week!

**TARQUIN:** So, what makes you think you're getting a job here then?

**BRODY:** Idea number 4 – that's what!!

**TARQUIN:** I totally forgot – and you want to carry it out at my company? Jesus, we could get into some big trouble here – what if they find out who you are?

**BRODY:** and how are they gonna do that? – I already know all about numbers, profit, win/loss, financial gain and it'll be a right crack – we can start running the company like we said we were going to do – without any of the risk of going bust because it's not our's to own in the first place!

**TARQUIN:** and what about DENNIS, how does he fit into this?

**BRODY:** Well guess who your fourth candidate is!!!

**TARQUIN:** Bloody hell – my first day as manager and this is what happens – I'm sure it's not this complicated as a cleaner – I should be a cleaner and then you don't get dealt none of this shit!

**BRODY:** Well, that all depends on who sits on your toilets!!

TARQUIN and BRODY start laughing, TARQUIN calls DENNIS into the room

**TARQUIN:** Well, fancy seeing you here! Sit down whilst I work this out...if we're gonna do this, let's do it properly – I don't want no backchat from either of you in the office. I'll be your boss and what I say goes. If you can get up to speed quick smart then you'll know the way this company runs, and how p*ss poor it really is. Give it a month or two and we'll be taking over this ship, and not a pirate in sight.

**DENNIS:** Haar Haar me hearties!

**BRODY:** Pieces of eight, pieces of eight!

**TARQUIN:** Well, congratulations Mr DENNIS and Mr BRODY – you're hired!

**BRODY AND DENNIS:** Fierce!

###### end of scene 22

scene 23

TARQUIN and the clinic

TARQUIN has gone for his first appointment at the hair specialists. He walks in, sits down and the doctors says:

**DOCTOR:** Tarquin - if you could just strip down to the waist for me and lie on the bed over there.

**TARQUIN:** What? I've come here about the hair on my head, not anywhere else!!

**DOCTOR:** Sorry, that is just a little joke of mine – I'm here to make today as light and easy for you as possible, as it says here you are quite new to these type of procedures. OK, let's examine your head.

The doctor starts looking at the back of his head, prodding and pulling his hair

**TARQUIN:** Easy – it doesn't need a helping hand to fall out!

**DOCTOR:** Ok, what we need to do here is...

Doctor goes to a board to explain graphically.

**DOCTOR:** What we need to do is configure the original hair length and ......

TARQUIN doesn't listen – it's too complicated – and he's sure he can see MAISON walking past the window with a trombone, but thinks he must be seeing something, as he knows MAISON can't play the trombone!

**TARQUIN:** Look Doc, can you give me my hair back?

**DOCTOR:** Why, yes, but it won't be right away.

**TARQUIN:** Well just book me in, give me a date and I'll be there – how you do it is your business

TARQUIN walks out, now in a hurry in case anyone sees him coming out of the clinic, he fills out the forms with the secretary and walks out of the entrance, hoping SAVAGE isn't too far away with the car. As he walks out, he discovers that MAISON and everyone has organised a brass band to be playing outside the entrance – BRODY is walking up and down with a big drum, banging it furiously – everyone is smiling apart from TARQUIN – he's in shock. SAVAGE stands to one side with his hands in his pockets, TARQUIN looks at him and SAVAGE just shrugs!

TARQUIN to MAISON

**TARQUIN:** So, when did you start learning the trombone then?

**MAISON:** As soon as SAVAGE told me what you were doing!

**TARQUIN:** You b*stard!

Both of them start laughing, the doctor is looking out the window and on the phone to the police – everyone disperses and 5 police cars come screeching up in an empty car park where everyone stood 2 mins before playing instruments. The police are confused!

MAISON and TARQUIN are walking back home – he declined the lift from SAVAGE:

**MAISON:** So, what's all that about then? You shouldn't be ashamed about going bald – it's just nature's way of giving your friends something to take the p*ss out of! At least it will take the heat off your appalling way with women and jet pack idea!

Both laugh

**TARQUIN:** Yeah, you're right – I suppose it's your friends who take the mickey, only because it doesn't matter one way or the other to them, eh?

**MAISON:** Exactamundu, Tarquin!

TARQUIN looks at MAISON funny because he's just called him Tarquin for the first time since they first met!

**TARQUIN:** Tarquin?

**MAISON:** Well, I just thought I'd taken the p*ss enough today so I won't call you TARQUIN until tomorrow! So, you're BRODY's and DENNIS new boss then – get them to make you tea all day!!

**TARQUIN:** I dunno – it's early days yet – the buggers listen to me but I don't know how long that'll last for!! Hopefully by the time you get back from Everest we should be onto a winner – our company management isn't on the ball – although saying that I'm one of them now!!!

**MAISON:** You stuck up ponce!

MAISON digs TARQUIN in jest and they mess about on the street. Both are laughing again, but not for long as they bump into Emily and Dave walking down the street – on the corner of the street. TARQUIN doesn't know about Lee and Emily, or that Dave and Emily are back together – he just stands there on MAISON's side as he knows that something's up!

DAVE: Get out of my way!

MAISON: Excuse me?

**DAVE:** I said 'get out of my f***ing way'

**MAISON:** Emily?

**EMILY:** I think you should Lee

Dave grabs Emily by the hand and virtually drags her along the street – she is always looking behind her at MAISON and doesn't look well.

MAISON shouts to Emily:

**MAISON:** I'm going away for a while – call me?

Dave then grabs her tight and turns her round. MAISON goes running for Dave, TARQUIN grabs him.

**MAISON:** Let me at him TARQUIN!

**TARQUIN:** I thought it was supposed to be Tarquin for the rest of the day?

That calms MAISON down, TARQUIN lets go and MAISON walks off with TARQUIN telling him the whole story about him and Emily (and Dave)

end of scene 23

##### scene 24

MAISON and OLLY packing for everest

In MAISON's house, OLLY is helping MAISON pack for Everest. MAISON walks into his bedroom where OLLY is and throws a pair of boxer shorts in his face. OLLY is disgusted.

**MAISON:** It's alright, they're clean!

**OLLY:** I've been thinking right, what if we bump into a real abominable snowman?

**MAISON:** Leave it out you doogle – it doesn't exist. That article was done because someone else hoaxed it like we're gonna be doing. No-one's attempted it for 20 years so it's about time someone stirred up the interest again! and made a few quid in the process!

The doorbell goes and MAISON answers it – it's SAVAGE dressed up in the abominable snowman costume!

**MAISON:** Jeesus!

MAISON jumps back as he's well shocked and falls to the floor – SAVAGE lifts up the furry mask and says:

**SAVAGE:** Calm it MAISON, you'll be no good if we spot the real one!

MAISON catching his breathe:

**MAISON:** There isn't a real one!!

OLLY has been sitting on the stairs

**OLLY:** Oh yeah, so what you doing on the floor then?

MAISON realises that OLLY and SAVAGE were in on the joke as they both wink at each other. MAISON sees this and says:

**MAISON:** F*** off the pair of ya!

Everyone starts laughing!

###### end of scene 24

scene 25

MAISON on way to airport

MAISON's mum is outside waiting for him, so she can give him a lift to the airport. He is about to leave when the post comes through the door. It's a letter from the FA:

" **Dear Lee,**

**We are pleased to announce that the team you're representing 'Fierce FC' have been accepted to play in this year's competition of the FA Challenge Cup. Your first game will be at home to Bedfont FC on Saturday 10** th **August in the First Round Qualifying.**

I look forward to your response in confirming this fixture whereupon we will allocate you an official referee.

Yours Sincerely

David Goodman

Secretary of the FA"

**MAISON:** Fierce! I knew TARQUIN's old man wouldn't let us down!

Obese's dad is the secretary of the FA. MAISON had asked him to put their application to the top of the pile. There were no other underhand tactics used. It's who you know, and how far they'll help you that counts! MAISON puts the letter in his pocket and leaves to get in his mum's car.

##### end of scene 25

##### scene 26

at the airport

MAISON turns up at the airport late again! This is very out of character for MAISON and SAVAGE + OLLY pick up on this fact, as it's not the first time he's turned up late for major meetings. MAISON gets out of his mum's car:

**OLLY:** Another ten minutes and they're shutting the gate – where you been?

**MAISON:** Sorry boys, you know how it is?!!

**SAVAGE:** Just hurry up yeah – we'll still make the check in.

All three are now standing at the check in – they made it just in time and they're getting the standard questions from the check in girl – Hayley Ouse

**HAYLEY:** ...and did anyone interfere with the bags at all?

**EVERYONE:** No

**HAYLEY:** ...and you packed your bags yourselves?

**SAVAGE AND MAISON:** Yes

OLLY can't see the point in this and is getting agitated:

**OLLY:** Naaaa, some Brazilian man outside just packed it for me!

OLLY starts laughing – SAVAGE and MAISON can't believe what he's just said:

**HAYLEY:** Ok – if you'll like to step this way with me, we're going to have to search your bags thoroughly before I can allow you on the plane!

**SAVAGE:** You twat – what's the point in that? do you have any idea what's in my case?

As the scene cuts to the boys having their bags searched, the customs man (David Guntley) pulls out the abominable snowman suit and raises an eyebrow. He then pulls out a foot like piece of wood – designed for putting tracks in the snow. Again he raises an eyebrow. Lastly he pulls out of SAVAGE's bag a blow up doll and a pair of handcuffs. This he has to question:

**GUNTLEY:** Is this in case she runs away sir?

OLLY and MAISON are disgusted with SAVAGE, although bearing in mind there won't be any women on this trip, they whisper:

**OLLY:** You know what he's like – especially after you told him there were no women!

SAVAGE replies to the customs man:

**SAVAGE:** She can get a bit wild at times you see – she's a bit of a goer!!

The customs bloke is now just becoming a pain as there's nothing illegal in the bags but he wants to have his fun and make them sweat because their plane takes off in ½ hour:

**GUNTLEY:** and does she have a name?

SAVAGE sees his nametag read 'David Guntley' and says:

**SAVAGE:** Yeah, I like to call her David when I'm really working up a sweat!

The customs man is disgusted when the boys start giggling and he stuff s the doll back in the suitcase and tells them to clear off!

On the plane, MAISON is writing into his notepad:

**SAVAGE:** What's that you're scribbling?

**MAISON:** Never you mind?

MAISON shuts his book as SAVAGE keeps looking:

**MAISON:** Why don't you go and see David? She's probably getting a bit lonely stuck in there all by himself!!

SAVAGE shuts up and they carry on with the flight!

###### end of scene 26

##### scene 27

TARQUIN at work with the others

TARQUIN is now in the high pressured environment of his workplace, and DENNIS + BRODY are both revelling in it – they are closing deals, answering phones, high fiving, ticking off white boards, drawing graphs that go upwards. The song playing is 'It's all about the money – it's all about the dum dum da da dum' by Meja

At this point in the film this is where people start thinking it's getting serious and once the song stops, you here TARQUIN talking to DENNIS and BRODY once the day is done and the office is quiet:

**TARQUIN:** You seemed to have settled in here quite well – although the tic tac toe we use in these offices in slightly different from the tic tac toe of the racecourse BRODY!

The scene flashed back to BRODY shouting out instructions using bookmaker hand signals, instead of the correct hand signals, and everyone stands there holding their phones really confused!

**TARQUIN:** So? What do you know? You've increased your portfolio of clients and also made a lot of money for your existing one's. Welcome to the world of investment where everyone benefits from your hard work, apart from you! So, how we gonna take some back?

**DENNIS:** Well, without doing it illegally, search me?

**BRODY:** I believe I can answer this one! As a bookmaker...

**DENNIS:** Oh here we go again...

**BRODY:** Shut it – anyway, as a bookmaker we used to send out a decoy – when there was a big queue we got him to put a load of money on a rank outsider – really back it like....say £500. All of the people in the queue would think he knew something they didn't, and change their bets to the total donkey that never had a chance – I took all of their money, including the £500 stake back. It wasn't illegal but it was all about perception – they perceived that this bloke knew what he was on about because of the large stakes he was gambling!

**TARQUIN:** Carry on...

**BRODY:** Well, I've only been here 6 weeks, but already I can see a gap for this type of decoy to be exploited...

**TARQUIN:** Which is...

They huddle a bit closer and the music re-appears, playing 'it's all about the money, it's all about the dum dum da da da' and the audience can't hear how they're planning on doing it, but know the theory they are using because of BRODY's example!

end of scene 27

#### scene 28

TARQUIN late at night in the office

All TARQUIN has to do at the end of each day is change the money that BRODY and DENNIS puts in one account to another account – no-one notices this extra money that's going missing because it's all collected in good faith, but on bad investments, so as long as the additional money that's comes in isn't recorded, it's a guaranteed loss into TARQUIN's, and BRODY's account, instead of being recorded on Un Gregle and Gregle's accounts. Profits are up, the client base is up so no-one questions TARQUIN and his team – in their eyes he can do no wrong!

**TARQUIN:** £80K in 3 weeks – the boys will be back soon and if I'm not wrong with my maths, and if SAVAGE hasn't p*ssed it all up against the wall that should take us past the £400K mark. Another £20K here and that's it – I'm not getting too greedy otherwise it'll look dodgy and people will as questions.

TARQUIN looks up, the cleaner has started hoovering – he finishes the transfer – complete.

**TARQUIN:** Right, time to go.

TARQUIN to the cleaner:

**TARQUIN:** Goodnight.

The cleaner doesn't even stop.

**TARQUIN:** Well it will be a good night – I'm out on the p*ss! (under his breath)

end of scene 28

scene 29

the next day

In the morning. the auditors are in TARQUIN's and the boys workplace, without warning. TARQUIN smells a rat, he also smells like a rat after a late night on the town – he comes in, dumps his briefcase on his desk and asks Bob Abob:

**TARQUIN:** What the f***'s going on?

**BOB:** The auditors are in – totally unannounced. Not to worry though, I reckon they will be impressed with our figures so far – we've had a great couple of months!

**TARQUIN:** Errr....errr. yeah, sorry Bob, miles away – what's their plans, do you know?

**BOB:** Not yet – but I'm sure they'll be round to everyone sooner or later – should give you time to have a wash and sober up!

Bob walks away, waving his hand across his face. TARQUIN thinks he's right and goes to the toilet to freshen up – he's gone a shade of pale. BRODY follows him in:

**BRODY:** You alright son, heavy night?

**TARQUIN:** Don't worry 'bout d'at – we've got the f***ing auditor's today – TODAY! They're bound to notice – I mean it's gonna be tough for them to prove but once they've got their teeth in...It's us – it's got my prints, and your prints, and DENNIS prints all over it – I never even had time to rake away the footprints out of the bunker!!

**BRODY:** the what?

**TARQUIN:** It's golf terms - the evidence you mug, the evidence!

TARQUIN certainly comes into his own when talking investments – it's just the common sense he lacks – but he's certainly thinking on his feet now- and also sweating!!

**TARQUIN:** Where's DENNIS?

**BRODY:** He's off sick today.

**TARQUIN:** That's coz he was out with me last night – but that's good – that's him out of the questioning – he's like a little girl when the law gets involved! He'll admit to anything...so it's just you, and me and I'm your boss so it's just me!! Right, get back to work, don't say a word and just pretend to be the new boy – make the tea all day or something like that – just don't bump into them – ok?

**BRODY:** You're the boss!

**TARQUIN:** Yeah, but for how much longer?

The scene cuts to TARQUIN in his office, with the auditors. BRODY keeps walking in with cups of tea, keeps walking past the office with cups of tea and doesn't open his mouth all day. Sometimes in the office TARQUIN will be on his feet, shouting with his arms in the air – he sees BRODY looking in and closes the blinds. The music playing over this sequence is 'Gangsta's Paradise – Coolio'. BRODY's sure something is up, starts turning a wrong colour. His work colleague, Craig Quigley, asks:

**CRAIG:** You ok? You don't look good?

**BRODY:** I'm fine – it's just a bit warm in here don't you think...

BRODY then throws up in his hands and catches it all – he then just sits there holding his sick and not moving – Craig Quigley sees this and goes for some paper towels – while he does everyone begins to smell something funny but are not sure what it is – then they see BRODY there slumped trying to hide the sick – they work out something is up and when Craig comes back they're all staring at BRODY, whilst still on the phones. Bob Abob comes over:

**BOB:** BRODY, you look terrible!

**BRODY:** Thank you Mr Abob.

**BOB:** I didn't mean it as a compliment...Look, Tarquin is in meetings at the moment – you go home and I'll let him know where you are – you can't work like that, you'll scare everyone if nothing else!

**BRODY:** OK.

BRODY walks out after cleaning himself up, glancing nervously at the office on his way past!

Later that evening DENNIS is down the pub with BRODY – he's not feeling that sick anymore – TARQUIN walks in:

**TARQUIN:** You threw up? I thought DENNIS was the squeamish one?!!

**BRODY:** Sorry TARQUIN, so what happened? Have the police just let you out?!!

**TARQUIN:** Police? Don't know what you mean – they never suspected a thing!

**BRODY:** But I saw you stand and rare up on one of them!?

**TARQUIN:** Well, (takes a sip of his pint), one of them called rugby players fat and too slow to play football and I weren't having none of that – not in my office!

Relief comes over both DENNIS and BRODY and they all start chatting normally again:

**TARQUIN:** Although that's it – I'm not going through anymore of that - £80K is our limit...

DENNIS and BRODY both nod.

**TARQUIN:** So, now that ideas out of the way – there's only one thing remaining...

**DENNIS:** What's that?

**TARQUIN:** For me to decide which one of you to sack first!

**BRODY:** Oi, leave it out....I'm really enjoy.....ing.....

BRODY realises it's a wind up and relaxes again

**TARQUIN:** Sit daan, you twat – what you drinking?

###### end of scene 29

scene 30

TARQUIN out and about

TARQUIN is withdrawing the £80K from the bank and walks past the TV shop with his full up briefcase and sees the headline on the TV:

EVEREST AVALANCHE – 4 FEARED DEAD, 6 INJURED!!

TARQUIN can't believe it – he tries ringing OLLY....

**TARQUIN:** Come on.... come on...

but he soon realises it's pointless – he's in the middle of the Himalayas. He phones BRODY and DENNIS and tells them to meet up with him down the Beath Tavern in 10 mins. They both agree.

end of scene 30

scene 31

kathmandu (4 weeks earlier)

All three of the boys arrive in Kathmandu and walk through customs no hassle this time. SAVAGE puts on the abominable snowman mask behind MAISON's back; he then taps him on the shoulder:

**MAISON:** Take that off will ya, you doogle – do you wanna give the game away before we've even started?

They keep on walking. OLLY does a growling noise like the abominable snowman.

**MAISON:** Dickheads, the lot of ya!

SAVAGE takes off the mask:

**SAVAGE:** Coming from you?!

**MAISON:** Yeah, coming from me!

SAVAGE and MAISON stop as if to say 'let's have some then' as it's been a long flight and everyone is a bit agitated.

**OLLY:** Leave it out girls – we're wanted!

OLLY points to a woman who's standing waiting at the barrier with a sign:

SAVAGE MAISON OLLY

**MAISON:** What makes you so sure she means us?!!

This lightens the tone, a quiet laugh from all 3 of them.

**SAVAGE:** Any French passengers would be slightly confused! They'll be thinking she's looking for a SAVAGE House called OLLY!! Why do we call you MAISON, MAISON!?

**MAISON:** You don't wanna know, trust me – the illusion is better than the story on this one!

**MORGAN:** Hi, my name is Morgan – I trust you're the three MAISONteers that I'm looking for!? I'm your guide for three weeks.

Everyone introduces themselves and follows her. She takes their cases:

**SAVAGE:** Err, it's ok – I'll carry my own!

SAVAGE is worried she might somehow clock the contents if it were to spill out. SAVAGE has actually taken a shine to her – her down to earth, weathered looks are not what he typically comes across when in London. It's not a fake tan and her hair is real blonde – not bleached! Even her name is different! She takes the other two's cases and SAVAGE carries his with both hands, lagging behind but trying desperately to keep up with Morgan!

They all get in the people carrier she's driving – Morgan turns round and says:

**MORGAN:** We're heading up to Sagarmatha National Park to sleep the night before starting the trek in a couple of day's time, it's a 10 hour drive...

**SAVAGE:** How much?

**OLLY:** Don't worry about him Morgan – he's not use to that sort of journey time – he's never had to commute into London in the mornings!

**MORGAN:** ....as I said, it's going to be 10 hours but it's not as bad as it seems – the scenery is amazing and we'll be stopping off plenty along the way – so just sit back, relax and welcome to Nepal!

**OLLY/MAISON:** GREAT!! (said enthusiastically)

**SAVAGE:** Yeah, great (said half heartedly!)

The scenes then have a musical sequence over them and it's 'Karma Chameleon' by Culture Club. The scenes focus on the boys in the car, the windows down, chatting with Morgan, having the crack, looking at the scenery – it's amazing! Waving to the locals, kids jumping in water and waving, They stop off to chat with locals – see monkeys and one of them attacks OLLY – everyone laughs. They get a puncture, SAVAGE repairs it to impress Morgan – the same tyre comes off (not going fast in the hills so everyone's ok) everyone blames SAVAGE but in good jest! Scenes of the boys sleeping, Morgan's eyes going, then SAVAGE taps her on the shoulder and offers to take over – he gets them lost, comes back to the same spot that he took over at and Morgan wakes up – she laughs, he grins and the boys are none the wiser! Audience are aware at this point that she might quite like SAVAGE – but that she's playing it well cool! Music fades and the group arrives!

MORGAN: You'll be sleeping in these huts – and I'll be sleeping in the guide's huts – we'll be up early tomorrow morning so I suggest you rest tonight, because anyone who slacks behind, gets left behind!!

SAVAGE: Serious?

MORGAN: No, goodnight!

Everyone goes to their huts, very tired.

end of scene 31

##### scene 32

trekking from sagarmatha national park

MAISON wakes up in the morning, thinking he'll be the first awake – he turns round and SAVAGE is packing his rucksack – he sees MAISON:

**SAVAGE:** Morning MAISON!

**MAISON:** You're a bit keen aren't you?

**SAVAGE:** Just making sure we don't forget anything – I mean no one's gonna believe us if we ain't got the costume, or the camera to prove it!

**MAISON:** We could just get OLLY to run around naked and pretend the abominable snowman's gone bald in his old age!!

They both laugh – OLLY wakes up:

**OLLY:** Wassat about going bald? TARQUIN hasn't turned up has he?

MAISON and SAVAGE chuckle between themselves again.

There's a knock at the door – Morgan comes in. SAVAGE says:

**SAVAGE:** Put some clothes on MAISON – ladies present!

MAISON is confused, as SAVAGE normally couldn't care less about being polite around women. He starts to wonder.........

**SAVAGE:** Sorry about that Morgan (as he holds a jumper up to MAISONs bits)

**MORGAN:** That's ok, I've seen smaller – although I can appreciate how cold it must be for you up here MAISON!!!

SAVAGE and OLLY start laughing – MAISON is not impressed but hasn't got the hump!

**MORGAN:** Breakfast is in 20mins – we've got the Sherpas outside now, cooking for us. We'll be leaving in 45mins so make sure you've got everything you need and no more – it can be tough going just carrying the essentials.

Morgan leaves;

**SAVAGE:** Did you hear that? The essentials she said – so do you think she also means a video camera, wooden footprints, and a huge furry outfit!?

**OLLY:** Probably not – just tell her they're your lucky charms in your bag – we're gonna need all the luck we can get!!

The boys begin trekking and again, the scenery is amazing. The music playing is 'I can see clearly now' by Johnny Nash. The scenes are of everyone helping each other out, climbing rocks, throwing rocks – throwing snowballs in patches – it's green scenery still and woodlands – local kids chase after them and give them good luck beads – scenes of washing in the stream and again having a good time without a care in the world. They're all sitting round campfires, OLLY tells a scary story that knocks Morgan off her rock and she falls into SAVAGE – they both blush!

end of scene 32

scene 33

the hoax

The group are now in the serious stage of the climb – it's snowing all round and MAISON decides that this is the perfect opportunity to execute the hoax. It's currently snowing and they're in their three-man tent, darkness is about to fall – Morgan is in a one-person tent. SAVAGE puts on the outfit and holds up both the wooden feet:

**SAVAGE:** Anyone for tennis?

MAISON: New balls please!

**OLLY:** Right, the video camera is fired up and raring to go!

**MAISON:** and I've got the Polaroid! I've seen a spot in the distance (MAISON points to it) SAVAGE; do you reckon you can make it over there? It'll look a bit cloudier in the picture because of the snowfall but it'll also mean they don't see the stitching on your suit!

**SAVAGE:** Yeah, no probs – I just hope this isn't a female suit, coz I don't wanna bump into the real male Yeti!!

OLLY winces at the thought of what might happen to SAVAGE!

**MAISON:** Right then, good luck son, we're right behind you!

OLLY to SAVAGE;

**OLLY:** ....let's just hope Mr Yeti isn't!

SAVAGE lifts up his mask to stare at OLLY coz he's not impressed with that joke:

**MAISON:** Put it down, put it down!

SAVAGE walks out to get in position and the boys follow with the cameras.

**MAISON (whispers):** And don't forget to ruffle up some of the Sherpas – we want them to be fierce scared so we can get their account of it on camera!

**SAVAGE (muffled):** No worries, you lemon honky! RAAAAAA !!

The boys photograph SAVAGE running away in the distance, then they photograph the footsteps – he comes back and scares all of the Sherpas, and they run out of their tent – fierce scared, running around with their arms in the air screaming! Morgan also comes out of the tent and spots the commotion, and asks MAISON:

**MORGAN:** What's going on?

**MAISON:** I dunno what it is, but we've just seen something that looks remarkably like the abominable snowman –ask the Sherpas – they saw it too!

**MORGAN:** Well, do you have any photos?

**MAISON:** Yeah, take a look at this!

Morgan looks at the Polaroid and it shows the back of something white and hairy running away and the footsteps that it left. Morgan asks:

**MORGAN:** So where's SAVAGE? Sorry, I prefer to call him Royston!

**MAISON:** Oh, he's gone for a p*ss – he's missed all the goings on!

Morgan spots long white hair caught on the edge of the boy's tent – and thinks something is suspicious.

**MORGAN:** Well, we'd better all wait here then for him to come back – we don't want him getting caught by whatever it is you think you've seen here! He looks quite vicious from the photo!

After all the noise calms down, SAVAGE comes back, spots the tent and climbs inside – he starts talking before he's taken the mask off:

**SAVAGE:** Now that was worth the plane and car journey alone – did you see their faces when I...........

He sees Morgan, looking furious:

**MORGAN:** and to think I thought you were the sensible one of the bunch – how could you? This is my livelihood – if the Sherpas tell any outsider about this no one will want to trek in the Himalayas again – and then I'm out of a job!!

**SAVAGE:** It was just a bit of fun

**MORGAN:** FUN? FUN??

Morgan storms off, crying!

**MAISON:** Good work SAVAGE – these photos are quality. Even I'd pay big money to see these – you are the abominable snowman!!

**SAVAGE:** Yeah, but...(he looks towards the door where Morgan has run out)

**OLLY:** don'tworry'boutd'at – we're quids in sunshine!! Leave her 'til the morning - she'll have calmed down by then! They always do!

SAVAGE is not so sure!

end of scene 33

scene 34

everest base camp

Next day, Morgan is seen explaining something to the Sherpas – the boys think that she's just trying to tell them not to worry about the monster and that it was only a wind up. In fact she's fighting tooth and nail to keep them with her as they're not going any further and are about to turn around. The audience know this because of the subtitles of when Morgan is explaining this to the Sherpas, but obviously the boys don't know Nepalese!

**OLLY:** Well, that blows our video diary with the Sherpas, but at least we got the photos and video – anyone fancy turning back now, we'll be home by this time tomorrow!

**MAISON:** Oh come on OLLY – there's no harm in making it to Base Camp – this is also supposed to be some fun as well – just think of the other 3 in their office now, and we're amongst the highest people in the world!

**OLLY:** I'm sure TARQUIN thinks he is, especially after that promotion he got recently!

**MAISON:** I bet he's never drunk so much tea now he's got his two whipping boys running around for him – how much money do you reckon they'll make?

**OLLY:** Dunno – but BRODY's no mug – I bet he'll come up with some scam – he was always pulling them on the racecourse, and sometimes on me the b*stard!

SAVAGE is surprisingly quiet – normally by now he would've said his two pennies worth about dodgy BRODY or whether or not to make it to Base Camp, but he hasn't. The boys say nothing, as they don't want to wind him up. They pack and meet outside at the pre-arranged time – all a bit more tired because of the previous nights goings on!

**MORGAN:** Today, we'll be trekking all the way to Base Camp – it's a tough climb, but keep together and you'll be safe from anything that's out there!

This is an obvious dig at SAVAGE and he just looks at the floor, embarrassed. That is the only sentence Morgan says to the group on the whole of the trek – although everyone is concentrating on the task in hand as Morgan wasn't lying - it starts to become tough climbing. They finally reach Base Camp and look up to see Everest in front of them. Every one of them is in awe of it and start high fiving each other, hugging each other

**MAISON:** Wahoo!

**OLLY:** This is bloody amazing – check it out! bloody check it out! (pointing to Everest)

Morgan joins in with everyone and when SAVAGE goes to hug her she stalls, they look at each other then hug, and they both have a small smile. Nighttime falls and Morgan is in her tent on her own, eating her banana pancake. SAVAGE has been standing outside for some time, not sure what to do. This is very out of character for him – normally he's as cool as a cucumber but this time he feels like a 10 year old again asking a girl out on his first date. He finally knocks on the tapalling on the tent – hardly making a noise! He knocks again and nearly knocks the tent over!

**MORGAN:** Who is it?

**SAVAGE:** It's me, Sav......err Royston, it's Royston!

**MORGAN:** What do you want?

**SAVAGE:** Can I come in?

Morgan pauses...

**MORGAN:** Ok, come in.

SAVAGE enters the tent with a fossil in his hand – it's clearly a sea fossil and he offers it to Morgan.

**SAVAGE:** So how do we get sea creatures all the way up here then?

Morgan is flattered by his thoughtfulness and also his curiousness in the geology of Everest.

**MORGAN:** It's a long story, but thanks for the present!

SAVAGE sits down:

**SAVAGE:** about before...with the costume and all that...

**MORGAN:** It's ok – maybe I overreac...

**SAVAGE:** No, not at all – you're right, the last thing we thought about before doing this was the fact that we might be destroying people's livelihoods. You see it's all about this plan we've got to earn £1million, and fooling the papers into thinking the abominable snowman is on the loose was part of it – about £40K part of it!

**MORGAN:** Oh right, so...have you got this million then? Or is this just the start?

**SAVAGE:** Nearly – it's not my idea, I'm just here for the ride and to see how many women I can bump into on the....I didn't mean that...Well, maybe I did mean that before I met you! Look, Morgan...I'm not quite sure what's happening here...

**MORGAN:** Maybe it's the lack of oxygen!

Both of them laugh!

**SAVAGE:** Maybe! But if this is how it makes you feel then I wouldn't mind staying here for a little bit longer! What I'm trying to say, and what I'm trying to say differently from every other tourist who you've ever taken on a trek, is that...I'm surrounded by all this beautiful scenery and I haven't seen any of it yet, not really seen it. I've been looking at you since the moment I met you. I could be anywhere in the world right now and it wouldn't make a difference to me – no scenery in the world compares to the feeling that I get when I look at you.

**MORGAN:** Well, you certainly are the first tourist to ever put it quite like that, well apart from the Yeti but he's a close friend of mine so we don't cross that line!

They both giggle and get nearer.... then kiss! (Strangers in the Night by Frank Sinatra)

They kiss more, Morgan leads SAVAGE outside of the tent and they sit out at dusk, looking at the many emerging stars that are so apparent at 6000ft from sea level. They sit there pointing out Mars and the different constellations: The music stops suddenly:

They see MAISON and OLLY running towards them from around the corner, and then they hear a big noise, a growling noise, and Morgan's face drops-SAVAGEs face looks confused:

SAVAGE to Morgan:

**SAVAGE:** You ok – what's happening?

**MORGAN:** AVALANCHE !!! RUN!!!

end of scene 34

scene 35

the avalanche

No one has got time to think, the avalanche is cascading down the mountainside with ferocious speed. The group are in a small valley, with steep cliff face either side. Instinctively, Morgan shouts:

**MORGAN:** Head for the sides, head for the ropes on the side!

She is pointing to the valley cliffs and attempting to outclimb the avalanche, as trying to outrun it would be foolish and end in certain death. The cliff has climbing ropes and hooks already in the face, as groups have been climbing there for the past few months to acclimatise before ascending to the top of Everest. MAISON leads the group with OLLY just behind. Morgan is third and SAVAGE brings up the rear – the noise of the avalanche is getting louder and is only seconds away: MAISON reaches the top of the cliff and also safety first. OLLY joins him. Morgan is climbing over the main steep cliff and SAVAGE is just behind: MAISON shouts:

**MAISON:** Come on, hurry up! It's coming!

Morgan turns to look and slips back down the semi-steep higher gradient. She is sliding back towards SAVAGE, and the avalanche! She hits a rock, which is protruding through the snow and her leg breaks, but she keeps on sliding. She hits the point where SAVAGE is just climbing over onto the ledge, which is not as steep. If she falls past him it's the avalanche below and death. She screams to SAVAGE:

**MORGAN:** Royston...Roy......st..... on! Heeeeeeelp!

SAVAGE stretches his arm out to reach her – he grabs her by the rope around her waist, which she always wears. SAVAGE is holding on to the rope attached to the cliff and also to Morgan for dear life – the avalanche now reaches the two of them and ROARS below them, snow moving so fast it looks just like a white river. MAISON and OLLY are reaching down to SAVAGE:

**MAISON:** Hold on SAVAGE, hold on!

**OLLY:** MAISON, grab my legs!

OLLY dives down to grab SAVAGE – MAISON grabs his legs and they pull him up to safety and Morgan follows. Everyone collapses in a heap. SAVAGE has got his grip on Morgan's rope so tight that he forgets to let go of her rope and MAISON has to help his fingers off from around the rope – this shows how tightly he had hold of her and was never gonna let her go. He immediately hugs Morgan for a good 10 seconds without saying a word, then looks at her leg. The avalanche has come to a halt and everyone had got away in time to survive. Her leg is obviously broken but they don't tell Morgan immediately. SAVAGE grabs her walkie-talkie:

**SAVAGE:** This is Base Camp calling First Aid Base. We have an avalanche, send immediate rescue helicopter, I repeat – an immediate rescue helicopter!

Morgan is floating in and out of consciousness; SAVAGE keeps her talking to her:

**SAVAGE:** Come on Morgan, stay awake – please stay awake!

and the camera fades away, further from the scene of the accident. SAVAGE is still talking to her:

**SAVAGE:** ...and I thought you were sliding back to me for another kiss – how forward can you get eh?!!

The camera spins around – taking in the avalanche path and the mountainsides. It finally spins round to see a helicopter taking off and then zooms in to see who's inside – all of the boys, Morgan and two Sherpas – 4 of the other Sherpas have died as they had not been so lucky to escape in time. Other helicopters are coming for the rest of the climbers at Base Camp.

**MAISON:** That was special out there SAVAGE – High five son!

They high five, but a very feeble one as SAVAGE is kneeling over Morgan and concentrating on her.

**SAVAGE:** It's all for nothing if she don't make it MAISON – it's not up to me anymore!

OLLY looks skywards to indicate that the group need some help from a higher source.

##### end of scene 35

##### scene 36

kathmandu hospital

MAISON is at the public phone box in Kathmandu hospital. MAISON thinks out loud as he's about to put some money in to call someone to let them know everyone's ok:

**MAISON:** Bloody hell – I don't know anyone's number – they're all in my mobile!

He then remembers he knows 1 persons number - TARQUIN's number always sticks in his mind, as at University MAISON was late to meet the boys down the Sports Bar for a Rugby game (The cameras cut back to this scene 5 years previous) because he'd decided to buy a mobile phone to be up with the times and the rest of the group (TARQUIN and MAISON were the only one's without mobiles, but liked it that way). MAISON walked in the pub and started flashing it about – TARQUIN was very jealous and wanted to get one - the game was about to kick off so he went down the shop at half time to buy one just so he didn't feel left out – when in the shop he explained that someone had been in 45 minutes earlier and asked what number he'd chosen – the shop assistant told him and he picked the number below – MAISON had 07769 588984 and TARQUIN chose 07769 588983 – he went back to the Sports Bar and now he felt part of the gang again as they all had mobiles.

MAISON remembers this and so starts dialling TARQUIN:

TARQUIN is now in the pub with BRODY and DENNIS wondering what has happened to the other boys when he gets a call:

**TARQUIN:** Number withheld – oh sod it – if I don't know them they can leave a message!

**BRODY:** What if it's MAISON, or OLLY, or SAVAGE – trapped in the avalanche!?

TARQUIN quickly answers:

**MAISON:** Alright fatty! How's tricks!?

**TARQUIN:** Are you alive? Of course you're alive – are you trapped? Are you hurt? Where are you? We've heard about the avalanche!

**MAISON:** Calm down big man, I'm ok. We're all ok. OLLY's a bit shaken, SAVAGE has a few cuts and Morgan's broken her leg – other than that, we're ok!

**TARQUIN:** Thank god for that – hold on, who's Morgan – was he another climber?

**MAISON:** SHE was our guide, and I won't tell SAVAGE you called her a 'he' - he saved her life and it could've been a lost worse than a broken leg if he hadn't have decided to play the part of Superman!

**TARQUIN:** So, what happened then?

**MAISON:** Too long a story to tell you now – especially as I'm paying a fortune for the privilege of just letting you know that we're still alive – which I will be invoicing you for when I get back!

**TARQUIN:** Ok, Ok – so when you coming back?

**MAISON:** A couple of days or so I guess – I'll let you know nearer the time. Can you do the duty of calling everyone's family and carry out the necessary admin for us!? Oh yeah – and tell BRODY we got the photos, they're quality! Get him to start the rumour mongering with the National papers!

**TARQUIN:** Yeah, course!

**MAISON:** Oh, one more thing - we may have an addition with us when we get home?

(Cut to overview of when Morgan tells SAVAGE she hasn't got a job anymore) Morgan cannot continue working as a guide now she has a broken leg and SAVAGE has promised to look after her back in England – and has even offered her a bed and shelter at his place for as long as she wants to – she decided to take him up on the offer. He hopes she stays for a very long time!

**TARQUIN:** Why, have you or OLLY fallen in love with someone out there?

**MAISON:** No, but I think SAVAGE might've done!

At this point the beeps go and the phone is cut off!

**TARQUIN:** SAVAGE – you're having a laugh MAISON.... MAISON?

BRODY and DENNIS heard patches of the conversation – they know they're ok. BRODY asks:

**BRODY:** So, did they get the photos then?

**TARQUIN:** Yeah (TARQUIN is in deep thought, then snaps out of it) Err, yeah - MAISON told me to tell you that you can go to work with the papers

**BRODY:** Nice one – I'm on the case!

**TARQUIN:** Yeah, great – and tell them you've got a love story to back it up with as well!!

**BRODY & DENNIS:** Eh?

#### end of scene 36

scene 37

the article

MAISON walks into the newspaper shop on his way to watch England in the cricket with the boys, and Morgan – he buys a newspaper – it's a Sunday. He picks up the e.g. Times, and looks at the headline "Abominable Snowman Discovered" and a picture of SAVAGE in his suit on Everest. Obviously, only a select few know that it's SAVAGE in a suit! The article has been printed and BRODY managed to negotiate a £30K advance for the sole rights of the pictures and story from the group in the avalanche. The article goes onto mention that these photos were taken before the avalanche, begging the question whether or not the Yeti died in the mountain slide, or survived – this is really what is prompting people's interest and what instigated the £30K advance! MAISON reads the headlines, pays for the paper then goes off to meet everyone at the cricket – he holds up the copy of the article – and everyone holds up a copy to his dismay – they've beaten him to the shop! Once again – MAISON's late!

MAISON heads to his seat with the others:

**MAISON:** So, do you reckon it's a hoax or not?

**MORGAN:** Definitely a hoax – the abominable snowman can't possibly be that ugly!

SAVAGE and Morgan look at each other smiling – they're now officially a couple, and she still has the broken leg which MAISON trips over on his way to his seat!

**MAISON:** Glad you changed your mind about the article going ahead Morgan – you know it made sense!

**MORGAN:** I didn't do it for you lot – I did it for the Sherpas who need the travellers to keep visiting the Himalayas – the avalanche could've killed the industry! Now people will be hoping the Yeti survived and will try finding it for themselves – something that will keep my friends in business for years to come!

**DENNIS:** yeah, and us £30K richer!! A wop bamba looba, bolop bam boo!!

DENNIS does a high kick and hits the South African supporter in front of him in the back of the head, knocking out his 10inch cigar!

**OLLY:** So, how much now then MAISON? What's the total spons?

**MAISON:** We ain't finished yet chumps – we've still got 2 more ideas to go before you don't ever see me again, and I start my new life in Rio!

**BRODY:** You wouldn't dare try it!

**MAISON:** Only kidding boys – but I can imagine I'm gonna be a popular man for the next few weeks!

**OLLY:** I wouldn't say popular – more like WANTED!!

end of scene 37

scene 38

MAISON and SAVAGE

MAISON and SAVAGE are queuing for drinks at the cricket when MAISON asks SAVAGE:

**MAISON:** So, you two getting close then?

**SAVAGE:** What two?

**MAISON:** You and Morgan – or are you still taking improper advantage of her because of her broken leg?

**SAVAGE:** Leave it out – we're getting on fine – don'tyouworry'boutd'at !! (SAVAGE winks) So, how about you and Emily?

**MAISON:** don'tyouworry'boutd'at !! (MAISON winks)

**SAVAGE:** Oh, I getcha!!

Not many from outside of the group will understand this conversation – but the two boys know exactly what they mean to each other! MAISON then pays for the beers and the bloke behind the counter, Jay Gonz, asks:

**JAY GONZ:** Do you have the 40p?

**MAISON and SAVAGE:** Yep, don'tyouworry'boutd'at!!

Jay Gonz looks confused. MAISON and SAVAGE start cracking up!! Although MAISON knows that nothing is happening with him and Emily, and this gives him a sharply reminder!

end of scene 38

scene 39

MAISON counting the money

MAISON is speaking out loud in his flat:

**MAISON:** So, that's another £30K from The Abominable snowman wind up, although SAVAGE could be paying for that trip for the rest of his life!! (with reference to him now being with Morgan) £421K in total and we've been going for just under a year – one more idea to go before I let them in on the tuxedo plan. It could be tight – we need at least £500K before they all get dressed up........hmmmm (MAISON wonders if it can be done)

MAISON is holding his diary, which he has written the script of the entire goings on over the past year and slapping it from hand to hand, in deep thought. The audience don't know what is in this diary, just that they've seen it elsewhere in the film with MAISON scribbling into it.

**MAISON:** We've got the FA Cup 1st qualifying round coming up in a couple of months, and we haven't even got a team yet! I'd better start getting onto the TV networks – we won't make any money out of this one without them involved...we could give it an avalanche slant.... something like..."We've conquered Everest, now for the FA cup" – I'd better get writing the letters...

MAISON already has the letter written in rough and adds these ideas to his diary. He then sets about organising a team, for which he has a blackboard in his bedroom. At this point, DENNIS comes round and MAISON lets him in – it's open and on the latch:

**DENNIS:** Alright – you ahem...busy (DENNIS sees FHM open at the girls page!)

**MAISON:** No, it just fell open at that page!! What you up to?

**DENNIS:** I'm bored and was just passing – how much we made so far?

**MAISON:** Look, I'm just about to work out the team for the FA Cup 1st round qualifying – it's at home to Bedfont FC and I don't have a ground, a kit, a sponsor or a full 11 players yet so I'm a little bit busy!!

**DENNIS:** I'll help ya – give me the chalk!

**MAISON:** Right then – let's get the team in place first – without a team we haven't got a match.

MAISON was a very good footballer in his day before he went to University. All around the house are trophies from football – he has over 100 collected over 10 years from the age of 8 to 18. Also, DENNIS, TARQUIN and OLLY were footballers as well. This helps MAISON with the basis of a team and they put them on the blackboard.

**DENNIS:** I'm the goalkeeper, right?

**MAISON:** Well, I was thinking of.........only kidding, course you're the goalkeeper – do you remember that save you did back at Uni when we were kicking about with those peanuts, for cash!!

The scene flicks to DENNIS 4 years previous at Uni when the opposition player curls the ball 25 yards towards goal and DENNIS saves / flicks it back into the path of one their players, he follows up and DENNIS leans back and flicks it over the bar this time. No one on the pitch can believe it and they all just stand there in amazement for about 30 seconds, before the watch starts beeping which has been keeping the official time and the boys win £50 off the other team, 2-1 winners!

**DENNIS:** Yeah – you still owe me my share of the winnings...

**MAISON:** Anyway, you're in goal, TARQUIN is centre back – hopefully we will get as far as playing West Ham – he's still got a bee in his bonnet about the way they treated him there when he was a schoolboy. That's why he likes rugby now! Me centre midfield and OLLY up front. That's 4 players; all we need is another 7, plus 3 subs!!

**DENNIS:** What about BRODY and SAVAGE?

**MAISON:** DENNIS – be serious, I wanna get as far as we can in the competition. The further we get the more publicity we get. The more publicity we get, the more cash we get, the more cash we get the more chance you've got of getting your share of the £50 I still owe ya!! SAVAGE can be the manager – he talks a good game and people listen to him, especially when he unleashes his full range of swear words!! As for BRODY, well we need a mascot!!

**DENNIS:** So, we've got 4 players – where do the other 10 come from?

**MAISON:** Leave that to me – just get the others to be in the pub tomorrow for a full run down – I'll see you there about 5ish

DENNIS leaves.

MAISON has thought about this – he's had 2 months since getting the letter from the FA to think about it. MAISON was a bit tasty in his youth and so goes hunting round his old memorabilia. He finds stuff that he's forgotten he ever kept. He's looking for old programmes with him in, and also with the names of other players in the team. He wants to contact them again and ask them to play. No one he knows actually made it pro so he's hoping they've all kept ticking over and are still up for a game!

The scene cuts to him with a Fulham vs. Tottenham programme open, a bit old and thin. MAISON used to be in the Fulham team as a kid and he's now on his laptop looking at friendsreunited.com. He smiles as he sees some of the names and he begins to email them:

Dear Terrence,

Good thing this website – just when you think you've managed to avoid someone they get your email address and start stalking you!! How's it going? You still kicking a ball around nowadays, or has the missus got you kicking her ball (and chain) around?

Anyway, the reason I'm emailing is that I've got a little idea that might interest you, if you're still in good shape and not a big fat b*stard!! Give me a call on 07769 588984 and I'll let you know further

Nice one

Lee

He emails this to 13 other players who are a mix of Fulham Boys, and Middlesex County Team and other people he recognises in the programmes. This goes on all night and he finally finishes the last email, before he swivels the chair around and collapses on his bed behind him!

In the morning he's got a makeshift team together on the blackboard, all he needs now are the replies

end of scene 39

scene 40

the team

MAISON's in a Kentucky Fried Chicken on his way home when the bloke in front of him is making a right mess of the order – confusing the people behind the counter and giving MAISON the hump – MAISON tries to help him by explaining that a bargain bucket doesn't come in a real bucket when he realises it's Ross B – he used to play centre back in the same team as MAISON and was never the brightest cookie in the jar:

**MAISON:** Ross – hello mate, how you doing – did you get my email?

**ROSS:** What email?

**MAISON:** I sent you an email last week about an idea I had – you didn't get it?

**ROSS:** I haven't even got an email address Lee!

**MAISON:** So how comes you're on friendsreunited.com then?

**ROSS:** On what?

MAISON realises that someone must've stitched him up and now it dawns on him as Ross's profile stated that he'd turned gay and lived with one of the ex school male PE teachers.

**MAISON:** Never mind that, how do you fancy....................

The camera watches them go out of the shop, MAISON has his arm around Ross and is obviously telling him the idea of the football team. Music starts to play which is "Minder, I could be so good for you" as MAISON now starts to assemble the team together. Whilst the music is playing MAISON is seen on his phone, which introduces Terrence R, Tommy G, and Joe K into the film on a 4 way split on the screen. He is also seen talking to Joel F and Michael N, whilst SAVAGE sorts out Dean K and Danny J, first on email then in person down the gym. Nathan B is contacted on email, he's in Australia but is coming back. The audience can see him typing an email to MAISON from Aus. They also ask the local conference football team for use of their ground, get kit sponsorship from TARQUIN's firm – Un Gregle and Gregle, and they play in an all white strip. SAVAGE can be seen putting up posters, walking into the BBC to ask them about Football Focus doing a piece for them, also MAISON goes to the local gazette and BRODY meets up with his source from the national newspapers again. All this is carried out under the umbrella of the music. The music stops and MAISON and SAVAGE are in the pub:

**MAISON:** Well, 12 down – 1 to go.

**SAVAGE:** Calvino Selbino – where's he kicking about nowadays?

**MAISON:** You'll never guess!?

**SAVAGE:** Too right I'll never guess – now tell me!

**MAISON:** You hungry?

**SAVAGE:** Yeah, but what's that gotta do with it?

MAISON takes SAVAGE into the Italian restaurant next door and they sit down – SAVAGE is still confused, as they need Calvino as their right midfield. He was in MAISON's team at school and played for the Italian U21 squad. As they enter the restaurant there are shirts in frames from these days, medals, trophies, pictures of Italy winning the World Cup and loads of football memorabilia. The waiter that comes to serve them is Calvino, small guy and not paying too much attention to them, instead preferring to mess about with his notebook.

**CALVINO:** Here are your menu's – what can I get you to drink?

**MAISON:** Some oranges at half time and a lager top for after the match!

Calvino looks up as this is not the normal order!! He recognises MAISON straight away.

**CALVINO:** Lee.... Lee...How are you!? I get your email the other day but we have been so busy 'ere that I forget to call – what is it you want? A free pizza or somethin'?

**MAISON:** No Calvino, but if you're offering!

Calvino pulls up a chair and they sit chatting, the music "Minder – I could be so good for you" comes on again to cover up the conversation, and also to link it back to the previous scenes that the football team is being assembled. They are all smiling at the end of it and shaking hands. Calvino shouts back to the kitchen:

**CALVINO:** aye, free pizza for table 14!! and get one for me!!

Calvino takes a break and sits with them permanently for the evening. With the music still playing the scenes show the training sessions before the first game – everyone getting on well, SAVAGE being the manager and Morgan on the sidelines watching with her broken leg!

end of scene 40

scene 41

the first game

MAISON turns up at the ground early – a small child stops him:

**CHILD:** Are you playing today?

**MAISON:** Yep, I'm Centre Midfield.

**CHILD:** Can I have your autograph please?

MAISON has never had to give his autograph before – he signs the bit of paper and the kid runs off to his mum. MAISON picks up his bag, smiles and carries onto the changing rooms. SAVAGE and Morgan are already there, Morgan's in the changing rooms. MAISON says:

**MAISON:** Cheers for sorting out the kit Morgan, you'd better get your place in the stands before it gets busy – we put out 1,000 posters and the BBC are coming down!!

**MORGAN:** Well, how can I manage the team from the stands?

MAISON stops unpacking his bag and looks at her confused...

**SAVAGE:** Er, MAISON – I was hoping to tell you before you got here.

**MAISON:** Tell me what?

MAISON still looking at Morgan...

**SAVAGE:** Well, you know the TV people are coming down and we're expecting one of the tabloids here as well?

**MAISON:** Yeah, carry on!

**SAVAGE:** Well the only reason they're here is because I told them we've got a female boss, and not because we're called Fierce FC!

**MAISON:** You're supposed to be the boss SAVAGE!! we're hoping to win today, not just to put on a comedy show as a one off – remember, the further we get in the competition and all that!?

**SAVAGE:** I thought about that and we've agreed to be joint managers. I know it's not ideal but Morgan knows her stuff. She can name all post war FA Cup winners!!

**MAISON:** Well, that should come in handy when we're 4-0 down!!

MAISON thinks for a while.

**MAISON:** Well, it's a gimmick I suppose, and we need all the publicity we can get...Look, I'm game as long as you don't start having any domestic's in the changing rooms or in front of the boys – I've promised these boys a % of our profits so we still need to be serious about this!!

**SAVAGE:** No domestics I promise....I've already done the washing up before I came here !!

Everyone laughs, Morgan looks relieved as MAISON is now on their side, so introducing her to everyone else shouldn't be a problem – MAISON can convince anyone to do anything, as long as he believes it's right!

Everyone is introduced to Morgan:

**SAVAGE:** Just to let you know it's not just me you take orders from now, you've got two people responsible for managing you ugly sods today.

Morgan steps forward.

**CALVINO:** What? Lee? What's going on?

**MAISON:** Sit down Calvino – it's ok. When I said you all get a % of the profits we make, I said that in the hope we would make some money from this little idea. The fact that we've got any TV or newspaper interest out there at the moment is because of this lady – your new co-manager! So, as much as we want to win and qualify for the first round proper, we still need to think about the profit from what we're doing – she boosts the money that each and every one of you will get. The further we go, the higher the publicity. Oh yeah.... and any back chat to her from any of you then me and SAVAGE won't be paying you – understood?

**EVERYONE:** Yeah, yeah (moans and groans)

**MORGAN:** Sorry lads I can't hear you? Now get out there and make me some money!!

Everyone is taken aback by her spirit and greed. She immediately doesn't come across as the typical female so they start to warm to her straight away, much like SAVAGE did back in the Himalayas! They all run out onto the pitch. SAVAGE and MAISON stay behind in the changing rooms:

**MAISON:** If we don't win today, we won't hit the £1million

**SAVAGE:** Everyone knows that – we won't even hit £500K. This 6th idea of yours had better be special and not involve me dressing up in the middle of the Himalayas again!!

**MAISON:** No worries SAVAGE, just keep an eye on Morgan, don't let her get carried away, and if it looks like we're losing then just get her to do something useful, like flick the switch on the floodlights or something.

They both grin and head out towards the pitch. There is a crowd of about 200 people and one TV cameraman in the corner. MAISON suddenly feels butterflies in his stomach and the game kicks off.

_Everyone is in the bath at the end of the game, beer is being thrown around and everyone is going mad. They won 1-0 with a 63_ rd _minute winner from the substitute Tommy G. Morgan had made the switch with OLLY, she must've seen something in the training sessions to suggest his potential._

**MAISON:** That substitution won us the game SAVAGE – beautiful!

**SAVAGE:** It wasn't my idea – I was gonna bring you off!! It was Morgan's!

**MAISON:** Oh right...well credit where credits due! Now all you gotta do Morgan is join the boys in the bath, right?

**SAVAGE:** Oi, hold on...(he realises that she needs to bond with them somehow) Go on then, but keep something to the imagination.

Morgan strips to her bra and knickers then dives in the bath. Everyone cheers and pats her on the back!! They lift her on their shoulders!

MAISON to SAVAGE:

**MAISON:** She's quite something your missus ain't she – let's just hope she can do that all the way to the first round proper.

**SAVAGE:** If we get to the first round proper then I'll let her take her whole kit off!!

**MAISON:** Game on!!

end of scene 41

scene 42

MAISON meets emily

MAISON is the last to leave the changing rooms. He walks outside – it's a warm night, his hair is still wet and he leaves through the front gates. Waiting outside the gates is Emily Armstrong. MAISON is looking at the floor, minding his own business and doesn't even notice her. She calls out:

**EMILY:** Lee...?

MAISON looks up. He's taken aback that Emily is standing there, and has been waiting for him for so long – it's at least 1 hour after the game has finished.

**EMILY:** I'm glad I've seen you – I was beginning to wonder if you'd left through the back entrance...

MAISON, still confused...

**MAISON:** err....no, no...I was just sorting out a few things for the next match. Emily, what are you doing here?

**EMILY:** I was in the crowd – that was some goal by your number 14, Tommy I think his name was....

**MAISON:** Yeah, Tom Gonks – it weren't bad I guess – not exactly what you'd call Champions League though! (in reference to their Champions League date)

**EMILY:** Not yet, but you never know!

**MAISON:** So, you saw Tom's goal – anything else you'd like to tell me, coz I saw it to and don't need a re-run of how it went in!

MAISON is very short and sharp with Emily – he doesn't see why she's there and doesn't want to be friends with her – small talk is not an option now he can't be with her. MAISON goes to walk off as he can't be assed even to be polite – he's tired.

**EMILY:** Lee, don't go...

MAISON stops.

**EMILY:** ...I wanted to let you know that me and Dave are no longer together and that...

MAISON cuts in...

**MAISON:** ...and that you've split up and you never want to see him again! I know, I know – you've said it all before. Until the next time he says 'sorry' and you go back to him again. So, why did you split up...again? I don't see any bruises on your face – did he keep it strictly to the body this time.

Emily starts to cry.

**EMILY:** I've kicked him out and he's moved away. He's taken all of his stuff and gone abroad – I haven't seen him for 4 weeks. I've put the house on the market and am selling up – just so he can't find me again!

MAISON changes his stance and gives her a hug.

**MAISON:** Come here, come here...

They cuddle in the car park for a few seconds...then MAISON says:

**MAISON:** Did you see it when I hit the bar? That would've been 10 times better than Tom's...d'ya reckon?

Emily smiles.

**EMILY:** Of course it would've been – that was straight from the champions league!

They smile at each other. MAISON asks:

**MAISON:** So, do you fancy coming back to mine for the second leg?

MAISON realises how cheesy that sounds:

**MAISON:** Err.... sorry, that sounded a bit...

Emily laughs and finishes the sentence for him:

**EMILY:** what...cheesy!! Well OK then, but only if you promise there'll be extra time on this occasion!!

MAISON gives her a cheeky slap on the arm and they walk off to his car, which is now upgraded to a smart Silver Vauxhall Astra

end of scene 42

scene 43

reaching the fa cup 2nd round vs. qpr

The music playing is one especially commissioned for the film (don't know yet, will have to discuss further) The scenes show the boys playing the next few qualifying rounds of the FA Cup. MAISON scored in one of these rounds and runs up and kisses Emily who's in the crowd, indicating that they're now an item. Morgan on the sideline is keeping the boys in order. She runs on to tend an injury but it's Calvino putting it on just so she can rub his leg. The ref gives a decision against Fierce FC and Morgan goes mad at the linesman – she is sent off and SAVAGE is just seen holding his head in disbelief at her natural aggression. The rounds tick by on the screen:

A penalty is given away and 5 of Fierce FC all crowd the player as he is about to start his run up – calling him all sorts of names like 'cheat, you're gonna miss, your flies are undone, fatty etc...' just to put him off – the ref calls all five of them over by saying:

**REFEREE:** You, you, you, you and you, COME HERE!!

_They all start laughing and pointing at themselves – "what me?" Within the celebrations, MAISON drops his shorts to reveal Superman boxer shorts, then he dives into the mud with one arm in front of him and one behind his back – just like Superman – all the rest of the team follow suit into the same puddle! The 1_ st _round of the FA Cup goes to a replay then penalties and DENNIS is the hero of the day – he saves the last penalty and has to run over the barrier – into the crowd with all the team following him and out into the street where they all catch him and bundle him!! Then they're all watching the draw for the 2_ nd _round, and they get QPR. MAISON is sitting there in his QPR shirt whilst they're all watching the draw down the pub. DENNIS spots this and pours a pint over him in jest, everyone else follows suit and MAISON is soaked:_

**MAISON:** Well, s'pose I'd better take this off then!

And he grabs a spare Fierce FC top and puts that on!! Everyone cheers and he sits back down on his stool at the bar, smiling!!

end of scene 43

scene 44

warming up before kick off

The boys are kicking a ball about 15 minutes before kick off. MAISON is doing a few kick up and passes to OLLY. All of a sudden on runs a female streaker and kicks the ball away from OLLY. She carries on running and OLLY starts running after her!! He catches her up and rugby tackles her. The crowd applauds - they think that OLLY is trying to restrain her from going further, but they both stand up and OLLY starts chatting to her:

**OLLY:** A'wight? Forget to put your clothes on this morning?

**HANNAH:** No, I took them off over there! (she points to the crowd)

**OLLY:** What's your name?

**HANNAH:** Hannah.

**OLLY:** Sorry about the rugby tackle Hannah, I just didn't want you to get arrested..coz then I wouldn't be able to tell you how fantastic your body is!

**HANNAH:** Thank you, you'd look very nice with those shorts off too.

OLLY recognises that she's up for it and starts to snog her – MAISON, TARQUIN, DENNIS, BRODY and SAVAGE all start looking at each other in disbelief, then shale their heads. The crowd are cheering then another couple of streakers come on the pitch. The team runs into the changing rooms and leaves OLLY out on the pitch snogging Hannah. The police finally come on, split the two up and take Hannah away. OLLY shouts:

**OLLY:** Give me a call sometime – and don't put any clothes on – I'll meet you just the way you are!

OLLY goes back in the changing rooms.

**TARQUIN:** You have issues OLLY!

**OLLY:** I'm only carrying on where SAVAGE left off.

Morgan looks at SAVAGE in a strange way – as if to ask if this is true?

**SAVAGE:** Anyway, about the game in hand...

SAVAGE uses this as a smokescreen to avoid answering her silent question!

###### end of scene 44

scene 45

the match

Emily is in the same hotel room as MAISON, the day of the game. MAISON is getting ready into his tuxedo. You also see the other boys getting their Tuxedo on as tonight, after the game is when MAISON has called for all 6 of them to wear their Tuxedo's:

**EMILY:** I never thought to ask before but why did you enter the FA Cup?

**MAISON:** All will be revealed tonight – whatever happens at the game today!

MAISON zips up his football kit and looks at a cheque from QPR FC for £100K as gate receipts and TV money. The game is a sell out and the BBC/Sky Sports will be there to film it! This takes them above the £500K mark, but MAISON needs to pay the other teams members approx £30K in case they lose!

All of the team meet downstairs in the hotel lobby – 6 people are wearing Tuxedo's and the other people are dressed smartly. Calvino asks:

**CALVINO:** What's with the penguin suits boys? You planning on having a disco at half time?

**TARQUIN:** Don't ask me – it's not my idea; I just do what I'm told!

**MAISON:** There's no need to worry your little Italian head Calvino, all you gotta do is concentrate on the game, and on making sure your old man has cooked enough pizza for everyone afterwards!

**TARQUIN:** Look, it's the 3rd round draw!

TARQUIN points to the TV screen in the lobby and walks over to turn it up. A few teams get pulled out of the hat before they hear:

**STUART PEARCE:** Number 34

**TV PRESENTER:** Fierce FC or QPR will play

**TONY ADAMS:** Number 2

**TV PRESENTER:** Arsenal!

A massive cheer goes up and everyone starts looking at BRODY, still giving him stick about his appearance in an Arsenal shirt.

**SAVAGE:** Well, I don't mind if they try to give me a George Graham! (he indicates a back hander) Everyone's got their price!!

The whole team throw socks/ shirts at him and he's only kidding. The team then get on the bus. Music plays, which is the same theme tune as the one written for the film. They show the bus going through the town on the way to the ground, the dressing room with the boys tuxedo's being hung up, the hiding of people's boots, putting chilli in the Vaseline, stereo playing, people dancing then it goes suddenly to the pitch after 75 minutes. Music has stopped abruptly and MAISON walks up to the ref (in the background you can see the score is 1-0 to QPR.)

**MAISON:** How long left ref?

**REFEREE:** 15 minutes

MAISON thought before the game that they were gonna get hammered, but at 1-0 to QPR with 15 minutes to go he realises they are actually still in with a chance to equalise and progress towards the Arsenal game and more money.

MAISON stands near the halfway line, looks up and QPR miss the penalty – they were just about to take it when MAISON asked the referee how long left! It slams off the bar and the ball rebounds to Dean K. The QPR and Fierce FC team are all still standing round the box and everyone is caught unawares. Dean takes on 1 QPR player, and crosses the half way line – it's now 2 on 2. MAISON and Dean K vs. 2 QPR defenders. Dean passes to MAISON and they carry on. MAISON takes on one of them so the other is drawn away from Dean K – the crowd are going mental for MAISON to pass it to Dean. Dean is screaming for the ball. MAISON then hammers a shot which flies in a straight line all the way up to the top corner and into the back of the net! No one can believe it! MAISON flies/jumps into the standing crowd and disappears – all the rest of team join him, jumping over the barrier. Even SAVAGE comes down from the dugout! The referee is not impressed. He books all 11 of them and SAVAGE, but it is TARQUIN's second yellow so he's sent off.

The game kicks off, everyone is out of breath! DENNIS is still running back to his goal as he's had to run the full length of the pitch – his back is turned. QPR midfielder spots this and launches one forward – DENNIS realises too late, is out of breath and can't make it – the ball goes into the net and QPR go 2-1 up. All of Fierce FC look at each other, down to 10 men and totally shattered – hands on knees, they realise it's game over. All of the crowd are gutted. The game then finishes and Fierce FC collapse on the pitch. The crowd run on and lift them off:

**MAISON:** At least the goal celebration can't be faulted!

The scene then cuts to a man in a chauffeur's hat who's scribbling down some notes, then claps the team off the pitch. He's smiling but not through happiness. It gives the audience someone/something to think about!

In the changing rooms afterwards:

**MAISON:** I'd like to thank everyone for their contribution, and as promised – here's the money I owe you all plus a little bit more for getting us this far.

MAISON doesn't give any to his Uni mates wearing Tuxedo's. This is quite obvious.

**MAISON:** Those of you in Tuxedo's, follow me outside. Everyone else, there's free pizza upstairs and also a free bar – courtesy of our token foreign player – Calvino!

Everyone cheers and the Uni boys head for the exit!

**OLLY:** So where's our cut of the profits then?

**MAISON:** All in good time, all in good time!

**OLLY:** No, I've had enough – I want some money back – you promised us! We've done all this for you and we haven't seen anything in return. I mean, it's been good fun, but good fun don't pay the bills does it!?

**MAISON:** Get in and shut up!

MAISON opens the door to a limousine he's hired for the night. The boys get in and start drinking the champagne in the car.

**MAISON:** Do you know where you're going driver?

**DRIVER:** No problems sir, we'll be about 45 minutes.

**MAISON:** Excellent! Now, who wants a run through of my goal again?

end of scene 45

scene 46

in the limo

It is just the six friends in the car, and none of the girls. The conversation gets round to money.

**DENNIS:** MAISON, so how much have we got in total then?

**MAISON:** Exactly £501K

**DENNIS:** £500K from just 5 ideas – unbelievable, I'd drink to that!

They all raise their glasses and down the champagne.

**MAISON:** Yep, we spend £1K tonight, which leaves us with £500K exactly. By the end of tonight, we'll all be millionaires – and I'd definitely drink to that!

Everyone downs some more champagne! They haven't picked up on the fact that MAISON has said all of them will be millionaires, and not just the group! He carries on:

**MAISON:** I've just gotta thank you all for sticking true to these ideas, I mean, you could've just jacked them in whenever it weren't going our way. I wouldn't have been surprised if DENNIS never spoke to me again after his mauling at the hands of an 11 year old on Countdown!

Everyone laughs

**MAISON:** but seriously though...we've had some fun ain't we?

**OLLY:** MAISON, this has been the best year of my life – you've totally changed it for me!

**SAVAGE:** What can I say – you introduced me to the girl of my dreams– I'm in love!!

Everyone canes him and jeers at him – in jest!

**DENNIS:** I'm still not talking to you about the Countdown incident! And my wedding...and....I'm only joking, it's been wicked – getting married doesn't even come close to the buzz I've been having coz of this!

**TARQUIN:** I now have two goons working for me and it's your entire fault!! Don't talk to me!!

TARQUIN says this tongue in cheek.

**BRODY:** I think I speak for all of us MAISON, when I say that this last year has been Fierce!!

Everyone lifts up their glass for a toast:

**EVERYONE:** FIERCE!!

MAISON is smiling and then the Chauffeur says:

**CHAUFFEUR:** Sir, we've arrived!

end of scene 46

scene 47

the casino

They pull up outside the Casino entrance and everyone gets out, looks around then realises what they're standing outside!! OLLY, SAVAGE and DENNIS are loving the idea:

**OLLY:** Oh yes – I like it!! No more bets please gentlemen – game on!

OLLY is impersonating the Roulette caller

**OLLY:** It's roulette ain't it – we're gonna double it up on roulette!

**MAISON:** Spot on Colombo!

**BRODY:** You're nuts – we could lose it all? But I like your bottle!

**TARQUIN:** No, I won't let you do it – I'm not losing all that money for nothing – I nearly got sacked for this, and what'll there be to show for it – nothing!

**MAISON:** TARQUIN, my fat friend – if you don't want to go ahead with it, then we won't go ahead with it. It's all or nothing! But if you do change your mind, I'll let you pick which roulette wheel and when we place the bet – it's your chance to be the hero! Only catch is that it's gotta be placed on red!

MAISON hands him the £500K chip – it's sparkling red with a gold trim.

**TARQUIN:** What, me? OK then – follow me boys!

They all walk inside and the chauffeur follows. MAISON orders the drinks – 6 lagers and a diet coke for the driver! BRODY suddenly questions why the driver is with them.

**BRODY:** Oi, John – you sure you're not double-parked?

**MAISON:** Leave it out BRODY – I'm sure we can stretch to a diet coke for the driver! Now just sit down and tell TARQUIN what we're all gonna do to him if he loses!!

**TARQUIN:** Oi, I'm not taking the blame for it. I mean we're all in this together!

**MAISON:** It was a joke TARQUIN – now lighten up, we're just about to become millionaires tonight, you should be having fun!

They all sit down around a table with 7 sofa chairs. MAISON asks the waitress (Sharon) to keep them all in drinks and stay to chat with them for a while – she does. Everyone is relaxing when TARQUIN stops everyone mid-drink...

**TARQUIN:** Right, now – I've got a lucky feeling – that table over there.... NOW!

Everyone runs over to the table sharpish, spilling drinks and everything. MAISON stays behind with the driver. The lady at the table says:

**LADY:** No more bets now please!

They watch the ball spin – BLACK! Everyone is relieved:

**OLLY:** Nice feeling TARQUIN. It was just lucky you weren't slim enough to make it to the table on time!! Now, who says all those calories don't pay!!

**TARQUIN:** Next one – the next one is red!

TARQUIN places the chip on Red – his hand shaking. The people standing around raise their eyebrows at the amount that is being staked – a crowd develops!

**SAVAGE:** What's their problem – ain't you ever seen a fat bloke bet on red before?

**LADY:** No more bets now please!

This time the ball spins in slow motion – you can see it whizzing round the table. MAISON is still sitting back at the table, drinking (all in slow motion) The boys eyes are watching the ball go round the table, SAVAGE can't look, TARQUIN is leaning forward in anticipation, OLLY is eyeing up the girl who's come and stood next to him, BRODY has his arms folded.

The ball starts jumping...and then lands....

**LADY:** Black, 37!!!!

They've lost it all - £500,000!!!

TARQUIN is sick next to the table – the nerves have just hit him in one go!! There is stunned silence, but the roulette Lady just carries on with her job and the table goes back to betting on the next spin! The boys stand back as the cleaner comes over and deals with TARQUIN's sick! No one speaks as they head back to where MAISON is sitting!

**MAISON:** So, we lost then?

No-one answers.

**MAISON:** I take it the ball landed on black?

OLLY nods...then says:

**OLLY:** Weren't you watching?

**MAISON:** No, I've been sitting here since you lot ran off – what was the rush?

**OLLY:** The rush?...The rush?...we just lost £500K!!

**MAISON:** Don'tworry'boutd'at. Sharon, can you get us all the same again, and whatever you're having!

She walks off to get the drinks. MAISON lights up a cigar. Everyone has their heads in their hands, but look up when he starts lighting up a cigar – MAISON doesn't smoke and this is way beyond the time to ever start!

**DENNIS:** What you playing at? We've just lost £1/2 million quid and you've decided to take up smoking?

**MAISON:** Let me introduce you boys to someone who you really should meet!

MAISON signals to the Chauffeur to stand up, and then says:

**MAISON:** I'll go give Sharon a hand with these drinks!

MAISON leans up against the bar, a slight distance away – about 5 yards.

**BRODY:** Not you again – look mate, f*** off will ya – we'll get a taxi home!!

MAISON shouts:

**MAISON:** Leave it BRODY – just hear him out!

**MATT:** OK, I know you're all upset at the moment – but hopefully I'm here to make you feel slightly better than what you're feeling at the moment!

**DENNIS:** What, you gonna start juggling, you bloody clown!?

**MATT:** No, let me introduce myself – my name is Matt Homer...

**BRODY:** DOH!!

**MATT:** Very good (Matt turns to MAISON) Be sure we add that bit in the script!

MAISON nods with a smile!

**BRODY:** What script? What is this?

**MATT:** I'm not a chauffeur by trade – I work in the film industry, and you 6 have been the stars for the last year. MAISON came to me over 18 months ago with an idea for a film – with 6 ideas actually, all with the intention of making £1million. We talked it over and I agreed to, provisionally, make a film based on these ideas - if his script was good enough. MAISON decided that although he had the framework for the film, he never had the material... which is where you boys came into it

MAISON brings the drinks over....

**MAISON:** Basically boys, you know I've been a bit lapse in my time keeping recently – very out of character. I've even been later than the 10 hour late DENNIS at times!

DENNIS was once 10 hours late for a meet down the pub, even though he only lived 100 yards away!

**MAISON:** Well, you've been providing me with such great material that it doesn't just write itself you know – here, have a look at this.

MAISON throws the script down on the table.

**MAISON:** Here's the script – you're all in it – the only difference being that I made BRODY better looking – you couldn't sell the film if it really was him playing the part!! The reason I never told you about it was because I needed the material to be real. If I'd let it known I was writing a script on everything that happened then you monkeys would've started performing. It would've come across as totally fake and I wouldn't have been able to write half of the stuff that I did. Although when OLLY started snogging that streaker I thought that was only for show!

**OLLY:** Leave it out – she's just texted – we're going out on Tuesday!!

TARQUIN flicks through the script.

**SAVAGE:** So, we're gonna be on the big screen then?

**MATT:** Oh yes – all we were waiting for was the ending, which gentleman, concluded approx. 5 minutes ago! SAVAGE – I loved the part where you rescued Morgan; that was the clincher – real HOLLYwood stuff!! And as for the finale I was hoping it would land on black, it makes for such a better ending!

**BRODY:** Sod the ending – I'd rather have the money!

MAISON and Matt look at each other again. Matt asks MAISON:

**MATT:** May I?

**MAISON:** Be my guest...

**MATT:** Well BRODY, here it is...

Matt pulls out of his top pocket a letter that is an advance of £6 million for the rights to produce the film.

**MATT:** £6 million to share between you all, and it doesn't take an 11 year old to work how much that is for each of you, eh DENNIS!!

Everyone laughs, but stutter laughs – they're not quite sure how to take this!! TARQUIN has been flicking through the script in the background:

**TARQUIN:** I can't believe you put that bit in about my hair – I never got it done in the end but still you put it in – b*stard!!

OLLY and BRODY start slapping TARQUIN on the back of the head!!

Everyone is now smiling, exhausted and smiling.

**SAVAGE:** MAISON, you sly dirty dawg!! I f***ing love you!!

**BRODY:** Sorry Matt – I thought you were just a posh cabbie!!

**MATT:** No worries BRODY, we'll cut that bit out shall we!!

DENNIS picks up the A4 letter that Matt has put on the table when he was showing the boys...

**DENNIS:** Well, what are we waiting for!?

DENNIS has raised the letter in the air and is waving it about... Everyone looks a bit puzzled...

**DENNIS:** Red or Black!!??

Everyone, even Sharon, bundles on top of DENNIS to stop him going anywhere.

end of scene 47

# the end

(the song that plays when the credits roll is Chesney Hawkes 'I am the One and Only)

