Now, I love Elvis. Okay?
He fascinates me.
He's, like, the first rock star
with the power of television.
They just intersected, and he
ascended to this level of fame
that no one had ever
been to before.
Hence, he made all the mistakes
'cause there was no one
there to help him out.
Right? He got a piece-of-shit
manager that stole from him.
Bam!
He stopped making music,
started making shitty movies.
He's not a good actor, right?
Does that.
Married a minor,
started doing drugs,
got fat, got an entourage,
got even fatter,
started wearing onesies,
doing karate kicks,
splitting his fucking pants.
Nobody's saying shit.
"You look good, King!"
"You like that? You like when
my royal balls hang out?"
"We love it, King.
Keep fucking going!"
Starts doing pills,
gets addicted,
he fucking dies
alone on a toilet.
All right? This man kicked open
all of those fucking doors
for the rest of us.
All right?
So I sit down,
and I'm watching this
documentary as a white dude.
Which is what I am. I'm
looking out my white head,
watching this white shit,
it's coming back into
my white eyes,
getting whiter by the
fucking second. All right?
Now, my wife, on the other
hand, she's black, right?
Now, I hate saying that,
'cause it makes it seem like
I'm gonna start doing some
stupid comparison jokes.
You know, those dumb
white guy, black guy jokes.
It's always like the
white guy is like,
"Oh, Jesus, I gotta do my taxes.
Can this chair hold me?"
The black guy is always like,
"You need to loosen up,
you gotta relax, man. You
just gotta let it happen." Right?
It's always the same
stupid fucking joke.
I hate those jokes, you know,
'cause they're easy,
and it's been my experience
that it's just not true, you know?
Fifteen years of being with her,
there's really no difference,
you know?
Because at the end of the day,
it's a woman.
All right? It's gonna be
the same fights.
I don't give a fuck
who you're with.
I'm not gonna lie to you, there
might be more head movement
and hand gestures
with different races of women...
Possibly an index finger
jabbing at your forehead,
whatever the fuck that is.
But at the end of the day,
it's the same fights.
"What's going on with us?
Do you need to work on this?
Why don't we communicate
better?" Right?
So she starts watching this shit
as a black person, right?
And she's seeing all the racism,
obviously, that I'm seeing,
but she was catching all
this subtle shit
that I was too white to see.
but I knew I was missing it
'cause I just kept hearing
her huffing and puffing.
Just sitting next to me,
being like...
And I'm just sitting there like,
"Okay, somebody did
something!
I don't know what
just happened,
but I don't think that
was good!"
So right when I didn't think
it could get any worse,
it couldn't get any
more uncomfortable
between the two of us, this
fucking white dude comes on
who, evidently,
discovered Elvis.
And he's, like, a hundred
and fucking 90 years old.
And he comes out, starts
talking. He's just like,
"Well, uh basically, uh, I was
looking for a white boy
that could take the
down-and-dirty, nasty blues
and combine it with the pristine,
angelic sounds of bluegrass."
Yeah, that's what he was doing.
He was subtly putting
Black shit down here
while he was propping
up the white shit.
You know?
"The down-and-dirty,
daddy-not-sticking-around,
drug-infested neighborhood
blues, with the
Jesus-as-white-as-me, hair-the-
color-of-the-sun, angelic,
bluegrass-playing music," right?
So, at this point,
my wife has, like,
fucking steam coming
out of her ears.
So I make a
judgment call.
I just fucking shut it off.
Right?
And she looks at me. She's like,
"Why did you shut that off?
Why did you shut it off?"
I was like, "Because you're
about three minutes away
from yelling at me
like I produced this music.
All right? Let's just forget it.
We'll watch something else."
She's like, "No, why can't we
just watch the rest of this
and then discuss it afterwards?"
It's like, "I don't want
to fucking do that.
I just wanna watch
a documentary!
I don't want to have a
fucking lecture...
because of these
fucking assholes.
I didn't do anything!
I'm just sitting here watching TV!
Not to mention, we're just
gonna get into an argument."
She's like, "Why would we
get into an argument?"
I'm like, "Ugh. All right,
you know what?
Because not for nothing, there
was some Black people in
there saying some shit
that I didn't agree with.
You know?
I'm not huffing and puffing."
Yeah... I said that.
Like a fucking idiot!
And she just looks at me. She's
like, "Like what Black people?
Like what Black people
that said what?"
And at that point, it's like
you started the luge, right?
You can't get off
the fucking sled.
Now you gotta have
the argument.
Like, "Oh, fuck, here we go,
guess we're having this."
And I'm like, "All right. All right,
the Black guy who brought up
leg shaking, saying,
'Elvis took leg shaking from us.'
It's like, really? Leg shaking?
Nobody thought to
fucking do this?
Black people came up with that?
You're telling me that?
I'll even give you that!
Let's say you came up with that,
but where did that Black dude
learn how to do it?
Didn't he watch some
older Black guy do it?
But what? 'Cause he's the
same color, he's not stealing.
He's just carrying on
the tradition.
But if Elvis does it,
'Oh, oh what the fuck?'
Now he's the biggest thief ever?
That doesn't make any
sense to me."
She goes, "No, you idiot, it's
not about the leg shaking, okay?
He appropriated a culture.
He took all the music,
he got all the money,
got all the fame,
he's called the King of it now,
and he never gave a shit,
not even a shout-out."
And I was like, "All right.
Fair enough.
Made about seven or eight
good points there
that I can't refute.
He appropriated a culture.
I get it. You're right."
She goes, "Fine, thank you."
And I go, "However...
Not for nothing,
do I get mad at you
when you get on a skateboard
and you start going down
the fucking street?
Do I get all offended, like, 'Hey,
man, that's some white shit!
Stop appropriating
my culture, man.
Some dirty white kid
in Santa Monica
came up with that, man.'"
So she starts laughing,
and I should've stopped there,
but I'm a comedian, right?
I'm like, "Ooh, I'm getting a laugh.
There's gotta be a bigger laugh,
so keep going, Bill.
Let's come with another example."
So I'm like, "Yeah, do I
get mad at you
when you fly from LA to
New York in under six hours?"
And she just, yeah... Yeah.
And she just stares at me.
She's just like,
"That was fucked up."
