-Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
My name is Jimmy Fallon.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, this weekend,
in between rounds of golf
at his private country club
in New Jersey,
President Trump decided to take
coronavirus financial aid
into his own hands.
Listen to this.
-President Trump
spent the weekend
at his golf resort
in New Jersey.
He signed a series
of executive orders,
billed as an end run
around the gridlocked Congress.
-Yeah. Just so we're all clear,
during a historic pandemic
that has crippled the economy,
the President
of the United States signed
four executive orders
to help the unemployed
from his private country club.
[ Laughter ]
Even Marie Antoinette was like,
"Come on, man, read the room.
I mean, this is..."
[ Laughter ]
Seriously. It's not a great look
when you're talking about
mass unemployment and a waiter
passes by, like, "Crab puff?"
[ Laughter ]
Next, Trump plans
to unveil a new stimulus bill
from a sauna at Mar-A-Lago.
[ Laughter ]
I'm pretty sure this
is the first time in history
an executive order was signed
with a tiny golf pencil.
[ Laughter ]
Americans were worried when the
executive orders started with,
"From the creators
of the President's
coronavirus response plan..."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah, Trump conducted a lot
of presidential business
from his private
country club this weekend.
He even held a press conference
with some club members
in attendance.
I'm sure they all wore masks
and watched from a distance
to ensure Trump's safety.
Can we see a photo?
-Oh, God.
-Well, perfect.
'Cause if there's any barrier
the virus can't penetrate,
it's loosely arranged
bamboo chairs.
[ Laughter ]
They all look like
they're modeling
J.Crew's new
dad paunch collection.
[ Laughter ]
Trump was like, "Wow.
What a diverse crowd
we have here today.
There's rich white guys
in Polos of every color."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, these guys were like,
"This is crazy.
One minute, I'm back taking
a leak behind the 15th hole,
next, I'm witnessing a
presidential press conference!"
[ Laughter ]
Well, it's not just
the coronavirus
taking up Trump's time.
There are other issues
he's dealing with.
Of course, I'm talking about
a new report said
Trump asked about adding
his face to Mount Rushmore.
Yeah, apparently,
Trump said it was his dream
to have his face added.
Yeah, that's sort of like
Dr. Fauci saying it's his dream
to play center
for the Los Angeles Lakers.
[ Laughter ]
It turns out a fifth President
can't be added to Mount Rushmore
'cause the rocks around it
are unstable.
Actually,
the more I think about it,
having something unstable
means he's already
a part of Mount Rushmore, yeah.
Trump was like,
"If Mount Rushmore doesn't work,
you can carve my face
into one of the mountains
at the beautiful
Yo-semite National Park."
[ Laughter ]
I think Trump's wasting his time
with Mount Rushmore.
If he wants something carved
into rock that looks like him,
the orange hue
of the Grand Canyon
is a much better option.
Well, get this -- a jeweler says
he's making the world's
most expensive face mask,
encrusted with
gold and diamonds,
at the price of $1.5 million.
Take a look at this.
This is real.
Yeah.
It's perfect if you want
both pro and anti-mask people
to hate you.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I feel like an idiot
because I just spent
a million dollars
on a face mask made of crystals,
and now it looks cheap.
[ Laughter ]
Well, maybe the mask
is a good idea, though.
It's a great way
to tell everyone,
"I'm smart about health
but dumb about everything else."
[ Laughter ]
Let's get to entertainment news.
Well, guys,
yesterday was the start
of "Shark Week"
on Discovery Channel.
-Whoo!
-Yeah.
I hate to be a downer,
but sharks are way down the list
of scary things
right now for me.
I mean, seriously, right now,
walking into a CVS
is scarier than "Shark Week."
[ Laughter ]
I'm not kidding.
At this point,
it's safer to swim around
the Atlantic dressed like a seal
than it is to go to Applebee's.
[ Laughter ]
The only thing scarier than
a school of sharks is a school.
[ Laughter ]
-Ah! Nice!
♪♪
-Things are so crazy,
sharks are now looking at
the crowded beaches like,
"It is not safe out there."
[ Laughter ]
Well, finally, I saw that
7-Eleven is introducing
a new line
of never-frozen pastries,
baked fresh
in stores nationally.
Yep. Now their goods
are freshly baked,
just like the kid
working behind the counter.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, the taquitos on
the rotating grill are like,
"Oh, you think
you're better than me?"
[ Laughter ]
Yep. Fresh pastries
and burned coffee.
They're just one rubbery egg
away from being Starbucks.
