SOME DAYS THERE'S JUST SO MUCH
TO TALK ABOUT WE HAVE TO DO TWO
MONOLOGUES, SO WELCOME TO
MONOLOG NUMBER TWO.
I CAUGHT YOU UP ON DONALD
TRUMP'S LATEST
IMPEACHMENT PROBLEMS, BUT
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS AREN'T
THE ONLY ONES TRYING TO GET HIM
OUT OF THE OVAL OFFICE.
THERE'S ALSO AN ELECTION.
AND I'LL UPDATE YOU ON THAT IN
TONIGHT'S "DOIN' IT DONKEY
STYLE."
THE WHISTLEBLOWER!
OR WORDS TO THAT EFFECT.
( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: WE LEARNED SOMETHING
NEW AND DISTURBING ABOUT
MINNESOTA SENATOR AMY KLOBUCHAR,
SEEN HERE BOTH DENYING IT AND
SUPPLYING IT.
DURING A SPEECH IN MICHIGAN,
KLOBUCHAR REVEALED THAT SHE ONCE
KILLED A DUCK WHILE PLAYING
GOLF.
WASN'T EVEN AN ACCIDENT.
SHE JUST WANTED TO FEEL
SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER )
WE MAKE THIS STUFF UP.
HERE'S HOW KLOBUCHAR TELLS IT --
>> I DID ONE TIME TRY TO PLAY
GOLF, BUT I MISFIRED ON THE
FIRST TRY AND THE BALL HIT A
DUCK IN THE HEAD, AND, YEAH, IT
APPEARED-- IT APPEARED TO
PERISH.
( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: TRAGICALLY, SHE
TRIED TO WARN IT BY YELLING
"DUCK!" BUT IT JUST LOOKED UP AT
HER.
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
BUT THE BIGGEST NEWS ON THE
DEMOCRATIC SIDE IS THAT BERNIE
SANDERS DID AN INTERVIEW WITH
"COSMOPOLITAN" MAGAZINE.
I HAVE TO SAY, I LOVE WHAT HE'S
DONE TO HIS OFFICE.
( LAUGHTER )
THE ARTICLE WAS CALLED: "COSMO
ASKS BERNIE SANDERS THE
QUESTIONS YOUNG WOMEN WANT
ANSWERED.
QUESTIONS LIKE "EXCUSE ME, SIR,
ARE YOU LOST?"
( LAUGHTER )
THE INTERVIEW TOUCHED ON A RANGE
OF ISSUES, INCLUDING SOME
FUNSIES:
>> DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE
COCKTAIL?
>> I DON'T DRINK MUCH.
>> THE CORRECT ANSWER IS A
COSMO!
>> OH, OH, THE COSMO!
>> STEPHEN: OH, BERNIE KNOWS
ABOUT THE COSMO.
WE ALL REMEMBER THIS SCENE FROM
"SEX AND THE CITY."
( LAUGHTER )
(AS SANDERS)
"I COULDN'T HELP BUT WONDER:
EVEN THOUGH MR. BIG WAS GONE,
MAYBE THE BREAKUP WE REALLY
NEEDED WAS J.P. MORGAN AND
CHASE!"
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
COSMO ALSO GOT A LITTLE PERSONAL
WITH BERNIE:
>> WHAT'S YOUR SKIN CARE
ROUTINE?
( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: DON'T DO HIM LIKE
THAT!
IT'S OBVIOUSLY NOTHING.
( LAUGHTER )
LOOK AT HIM.
HIS FACE MATCHES THE WALL!
( LAUGHTER )
BUT BERNIE HAD AN ANSWER.
>> DO YOU MOISTURIZE?
>> Stephen: I PUT SOMETHING
ON.
THE DOCTOR GAVE ME SOMETHING
YEARS AGO AND I PUT IT ON.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BERNIE)
"MY SKINCARE ROUTINE WAS
PRESCRIBED BY MY DOCTOR-- HE
CAME INTO TOWN ON HIS WAGON
AND I'VE BEEN USING HIS MAGICAL
FACE ELIXIR EVER SINCE.
IF YOU WANT SOME, JUST ASK MY
DOCTOR-- HE'S RIGHT OVER THERE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( BAND PLAYING )
( AUDIENCE CLAPPING IN TIME )
>> STEPHEN: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH HILLARY AND CHELSEA
CLINTON.
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
