(applause)
>> Thank you--
I have-- whoa.
That seems really
loud to me.
But I do have one
announcement, actually.
Dr. Sobie's students--
if you want to get credit
for being here,
after the lecture,
you need to meet with
her on the outside
and she'll
sign you in.
Obviously, you know
why we're here,
to talk about the
psychology of love.
We're going to look at it
through several lenses.
We are going
to look at it
through the science
of psychology,
so what have we
learned about love,
looking at it
as a discipline.
We're going to look at what
causes us to be attracted,
what causes us
to pair up,
how might we be more
successful in that,
and then we're
also going to look
at some of the unhealthy
parts of pairing up,
and ways in which
we might manage that,
and we're also going
to look at things
like breaking up
and divorce,
because that's also
a part of our lives.
And so, how does that happen and
how might we manage it better,
should that happen
to one of us.
So, I want to start
with some images,
and I want you to imagine
or help me think about,
you know, are these
images of love?
Or not?
(audience chuckling)
I was prepared but
obviously not quite.
Now we'll see.
Yes!
Love?
>> (all) Yes.
>> We hope so, right?
They're getting married--
it would be a good time
to be in love.
(audience laughing)
How about this?
Love?
Probably, right?
More love?
Love?
>> Yes.
>> Yup.
Ooo, what about this?
>> (all) No.
>> Yeah, they could be.
We have bad days,
but maybe not.
What about this?
It's sort of a low
rumbling, right?
Not sure-- maybe?
Hopefully not?
What about that?
>> (all) No.
>> So, what is love?
We saw some images and one
of the things, clearly,
regardless of the
last couple two,
it's probably fair to say
that when we talk about love,
we're not talking
about one thing.
But the kind of love you
experience in your life varies.
The love that you have for
your brother or your sister
is different than the love that
you have for your boyfriend
or your girlfriend,
which is different
than the love
that you have for
your grandparents
or for your
best friend.
So, one of the things we know
in doing factor analysis--
and factor analysis is
essentially when we take a look
at attributes that are
present in people's lives,
and you can do factor
analysis around anything,
but what we look at
is people in love
or people who
have love,
connections between
relationships,
and what are the
categories that emerge
over studying thousands
and thousands of people
who are in loving
relationships?
Dr. Sternberg is probably
the biggest authority.
I going to bet many of you have
seen what I'm going to show you,
because we cover it
essentially in every class.
We cover it in
general psychology,
we cover it in
developmental psychology,
we cover it in
social psychology...
maybe not
in learning.
Clearly not
in learning.
But what Sternberg
has told us--
again, through this
factor analysis model--
is that there are
three elements of love
which we can combine
in multiple ways.
We'll start down here.
That you can have love that
is based entirely on passion.
This is that...
innate, physical
attraction to somebody.
This is, "I want
to touch them.
"I want to have
sex with them.
"I want--" you know, depending
on their developmental stages.
But this is that
physical attraction.
Intimacy.
Intimacy is that
kind of love
that you have for your
best friend, where--
this is where you share
your deepest feelings
and emotions,
that you know you can
trust this person.
If you tell
them a secret,
they're going to
keep it for you.
Commitment.
Some of the theorists now
are adding, which I like,
is "choice" to this,
although Sternberg's
model uses "commitment."
But I like the concept
of commitment/choice.
This is this idea that you are
committed to a relationship,
that you are choosing
to be in the relationship,
and there are examples
of where that happens,
where that
only happens.
You're choosing to stay
married because of the family.
You're choosing to stay married
because of financial reasons.
There are other examples of
this-- you know, you may not--
clearly, you're not
going to have passion
for your elderly grandmother,
and you may not have--
if you're lucky,
you may have,
but not everyone can
tell their grandmother
their deepest
secrets...
but you would care for your
grandmother if she needs it.
So, we could have any
one of these three.
But then, we can also start
having multiple versions of it.
Companionate love is
where we have both intimacy
and where we
have commitment.
And for most of us, this would
be the best friend in our life.
That person that we really
are committed to them.
We are going to choose to
make this relationship work,
"I want to make the
relationship to work,
"and I know that I can
trust them, emotionally."
A romantic love is where you
have intimacy and passion
but no commitment.
So it may not
last very long,
but it's a whole lot
of fun while it happens.
We can travel and share things
and just romp through the hay
and do all of those
cool things, but, you know,
the idea of making
it work--
once one of those
wanes, not so much.
Passion and commitment is simply
a relationship based on sex.
No, passion
isn't just sex,
but it really is that
emotional connection.
Of course, what we're looking
for, at least in our culture,
is consummate love
where we have all three.
The value of having
more than one intersection
of these is that,
as we'll talk about in
a few moments, these wane.
That in a relationship,
passion can come and go.
You have children,
passion drops.
You have a lot of stress
at school or work,
passion can drop.
Intimacy-- "You know,
I just can't talk to
this person right now."
So, what happens is, by
having more connections,
you increase
the probability
of a relationship
sustaining itself.
I wanna share with you
a singular definition now
which I think cuts through
all of the other pieces
and makes love
a fairly simple measure.
This comes from, originally,
the work of psychologist
of Erich Fromm.
M. Scott Peck is probably
the one who probably made it
most available
to the public.
Others have used it since
then, but defines love
as "the will to extend
oneself for the purpose
"of nurturing one's own or
another's spiritual growth."
I love this definition, because
it makes it really simple
to make sense out of,
"Is this a loving relationship?"
And by "spiritual growth,"
what Peck and Hooks and Fromm
and others who use
this definition mean
is "help you connect your life
to something bigger than you,"
help you grow and
develop as a person,
help you have meaning
and purpose in your life,
help you find meaning
and purpose in your life,
and have it manifest
in your life.
And so, a loving
relationship should do that.
Being in a relationship
with somebody
that is a loving
relationship
should make you and your partner
or your friend a better person.
If it's not, then it's
probably not love.
It may be valuable, but
it's probably not love.
So, what does
love mean?
Well, love means
knowing the person.
That means that we have
some level of intimacy--
"I understand who you are,
you understand who I am."
That you care about the
welfare of the person.
You want their life to be better
and you work towards that.
That you have a responsibility
towards the person.
This is part of the
commitment piece
that "I have a responsibility
that your life
"will be better because
I'm part of it,"
and conversely, "I know
my life will be."
And sometimes, responsibility
comes down to simple things
like, "Yeah, I'll pick
you up after school.
"I don't want to,
but I will."
Or "I'll take the kids here,"
or "I'll do the laundry," or--
so, there's
a responsibility.
It's not just about
you making me happy.
It's about a responsibility
to the relationship.
That you have respect and
dignity for the person.
We're going to
talk about abuse--
physical and emotional abuse--
later on.
Dignity and abuse
cannot go hand-in-hand.
Physical and emotional
abuse can't be present
if love is present.
I'm gonna make that
statement very boldly,
and I'm gonna
come back to it.
Physical and emotional abuse
cannot coexist with love.
Accepting the
imperfections.
In fact, that's often
times how we really know.
It's like, "I'm willing to share
with you the little weird things
"that I do, and you're
going to share them with me
"because I trust you."
And then, again, this idea
of spiritual development
or moving towards
something bigger.
Growth for both people
in the relationship.
So, if we've talked
about what love is,
why is it that we have
love in our lives?
Why is love present?
Well, it's actually
pretty simple.
Number one, it's
a survival need.
We are
social animals.
At our core, we have a
drive to live in community.
Because the fact is,
as a species,
we are really
inadequate.
Think about long before there
were streets and police officers
and things like guns
and bows and arrows.
As a species, by ourselves,
we can't run very fast,
we're not very strong,
we don't have big teeth,
we don't
hide well.
So, we survived
through our brains
and through coming
together as a group.
So, we have an innate need to
live together in community.
It's a
survival need.
Of course, no
species survives
without creating
little ones...
so we have a drive not only
to live in community,
but to pair up
and have babies.
We've created cultural norms
that says that baby process
is part of a
coupling process.
That's okay.
Socialization.
As part of coupling,
we also--
and part of living in
community is survival,
we also have a
need to socialize.
It's really nice to
have somebody there
to have dinner
with at night.
Not just to protect you,
should your house break down
and you got a bunch
of wolves coming at you,
going back to survival mode,
but we like to talk to people.
We want somebody to go to dinner
with, to go to the movies with,
somebody that we can
show up with to a party.
And then, lastly,
affirmation.
This is a really important one
because the value of friends
and the value of love in
our lives beyond just survival
is that our friends
affirm us,
our friends help us feel
good about ourselves.
That's one of the primary
reasons that we have friends
is to help us make
sense out of the world
and to help us make ourselves
feel good about ourselves.
All right,
so now, the "why."
So what causes
us to attract?
What causes us
to get together?
Do birds of a feather
flock together?
Or do opposites
attract?
One of the big
questions, right?
One of the big myths
that are out there.
Well, if you think about these
and particularly this last one,
you already
know the answer.
Because opposites don't make for
a very sustaining relationship,
because opposites
are not affirming.
We'll talk more about
that in a second.
So...
what are the factors that
cause people to get together?
There is actually
a lot,
which is probably why it's
hard to really find somebody,
because it's
not that simple.
There's a whole bunch
of contributing factors.
One of them is
simple proximity.
You like the person
who sits near you in class
more than the
people who don't.
In fact, there have
been multiple studies
that have
looked at that.
Simple proximity causes
you to like people more...
the closer you are
over time to the people.
The people who live
on your dorm floor,
the people who live
in your apartment,
the people who live
in your neighborhood.
That's not to suggest you like
everybody who lives in your dorm
or everybody who lives
on your neighborhood
or everybody in your
classroom, but, in general,
those people who are closer to
you physically, when evaluated,
you like more than
those who aren't.
Interaction.
The more you interact
with people
increases your
likeness for them.
If you move to a new
neighborhood, a new city,
a new school, one of the
best things you can do
is park near
the door,
because what happens is
as you walk into school,
you interact with
lots of people.
Just simple interaction
causes us to like people more.
Just casual interaction
like, "Hi, how are you?"
as you're
walking in.
And the more you interact
with those people,
the more you tend
to like them.
Just the anticipation
of interaction--
a marvelous little study
that was done with adults,
and it showed them--
two same profiles of
two different people,
and they had them evaluate--
so, "Here's a picture,
"and then here's a whole
bunch characteristics
"about this person."
And two groups got
the same profile.
But in one-- the
independent variable--
in one of them,
they were told,
"And you're going to meet
this person next week."
And then, they had them
evaluate how much they liked
this person.
Now, they hadn't
met them yet, right?
They're just, "Here's
a sheet, here's the picture,
"here's the profile,
here's the qualities,
"the attributes,
of this person."
The exact same one, except
in one group they were told,
"You're going to meet
this person next week."
Guess what?
Those who were told they were
going to meet the person
next week
liked the person
in the profile more
than those who
weren't told
they were going
to meet the person.
So, simply anticipating that
you're going to meet the person
actually increases how
much you like them.
The mere
exposure effect,
which is in part a
combination of these--
the more you're exposed to
a phenomena, whatever it is,
the more you
like it.
Advertising, people--
doesn't matter-- songs.
If you think about most
songs that you really like,
the first time you
heard it, not so great.
But you started hearing
it over and over
and you start
liking it more.
Now yes, there are songs
that you get sick of, right?
They play it over and over--
"Don't play that anymore."
But here's the thing-- even
when you don't like it anymore
because you've heard
it so many times,
you still like it more than
the first time you heard it.
So while your likeness
might decrease
because it's
become obnoxious...
and then, over a period of time,
like 10 years later,
you hear it and
you like it again.
So, simply being
exposed to something,
simply being exposed
to a person,
causes you to
like them more.
And there's more.
Like I said, it's really
hard to figure out
how you're going to actually
couple up with somebody.
Exclusionary criteria.
You see, it's not just
what draws us to people,
but every one of you has
an exclusionary criteria.
Every one of you has
some certain things
that you will not
accept in a partner.
So, in effect,
it's more powerful
than what you want
in a partner.
So, you have
a little list, right?
Like what?
It doesn't have
to be for you,
but what might some
of these things be?
>> Can't have kids.
>> Can't have kids.
Well, for some--
and that's fair.
It changes
over time, right?
That doesn't work when
you're 40 and divorced--
you know, "I've
got three kids,
"but I don't want to marry
somebody who has kids."
Obviously, over time,
it changes.
But in some cases,
"I don't want kids.
"I want to
have my own."
>> Facial hair.
>> Facial hair.
Don't want somebody
who has facial hair,
especially my wife, right?
(audience laughing)
>> Smoker.
>> Smoker.
"I don't want
somebody who smokes."
Now, if
I do smoke,
then I want somebody who's
accepting of smoking
or who does smoke.
A couple more.
>> Money.
>> Money-- you want somebody
who doesn't have money?
(audience laughing)
So, you want somebody
who has a stable career.
One more.
>> Religion.
>> You don't want somebody
who has extremely different
religious beliefs.
So, what happens is
we have this list.
Now, you gotta
be careful.
While your list might be
rather long-- 8, 10, 12, right?
If you really, really,
really don't prioritize it
around three or four,
just be happy being lonely.
(audience laughing)
Because, you know, if your
list is really long-- 8, 12--
then you're
a little picky.
(audience laughing)
Okay, similarity.
This is one of
the primary issues
for any kind of
long-term relationship.
And if you think about it
intuitively, you know it's true.
If part of the reason for
coupling is to affirm us,
then people will only affirm
us if they are like us.
And even just on a daily
basis, if you think about it,
you're somebody who likes
to stay home at night,
you like to read, you
don't really like to party.
Well, how well it's going
to work if you couple up
with somebody who wants
to go out every night?
You know, they want
to hit the clubs--
you know, their
goal aspirations
is to see how many clubs
they can hit in one night,
not to study for their abnormal
psychology test tomorrow.
The long-term is just
not going to work
because you're
going to conflict.
At the core level, it comes
down, in part, to personality.
Are you outgoing?
Are you more
of an introvert?
Do you like exciting,
dangerous things,
or do you like the
world kinda safe?
Farrah mentioned
religious beliefs.
I mean, that's
a big part of it.
Do you have similar
religious beliefs?
Do you have similar
political beliefs?
Similarity is one of the primary
factors around long-term success
in a relationship.
Now, I will give
you a caveat.
Do opposites
attract?
Um, for
about a day.
There is in fact-- we actually,
based on smell alone,
are attracted to
somebody for about a day
if their smell is distinctly
different than ours.
Why?
That's kind
of weird, right?
So, why would smell--
what does smell
probably indicate?
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> Well, it could.
We all give off
a smell, right?
Regardless of whether we-- well,
assuming we're not masking it.
Genetic diversity.
So, for a species to survive,
a diverse gene pool is good.
So, if you're just talking
about basic mating purposes,
then we are actually compelled
to mate with somebody
who's distinctly
different from us.
The problem with that-- and
this is where you've got
to kick in that
prefrontal lobe--
the problem with that
is that it doesn't make
for a long-term
sustainable relationship.
Reciprocal liking.
We like people
who like us.
It's pretty simple.
If you like somebody or you
hear that somebody likes you,
you automatically
like them more.
Again, it's that
affirmation thing.
Well, "If
you like me,
"there must be something
really smart about you.
(audience laughing)
"You must be brilliant," right?
"Because you like me-- well, of
course, everyone should like me,
"but there are those
people who don't--
"there's something
wrong with them."
(audience chuckling)
So, if we understand,
if we believe-- they don't
even have to like us.
If you believe
that they like you,
because what happens
is that then the--
oh, my mind
just went blank.
What am I thinking of,
some of my students?
Come on,
you can help me.
When you believe something
and you act in a certain way.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> There we go, see?
Self-fulfilling
prophecy.
I can't believe
I forgot that.
What happens is
self-fulfilling prophecy is
if you believe
somebody likes you,
how are you gonna
behave towards them?
In a positive way.
And if you behave to
somebody in a positive way,
they're going to behave back
to you in a positive way,
and it creates
a cycle of liking.
This one, let's be honest--
you don't know the language for.
It's social exchange.
This has to do with
my own belief of self
and my relationship
with others,
which is, "What kind of partner
do I believe I deserve?"
Every one of us, based
on our own experience,
our self-esteem,
our ideals,
we have a belief about "What
kind of partner do I deserve?"
So, is this person
above that or below it?
And in fact, they have to
be in a reasonable zone,
because if they're
too far above it,
"Well, I don't
really deserve it
"and this probably
isn't going to work."
If they're
too far below,
then it's, "Well, I
deserve better than this."
That's the
first criteria.
Now, the second one is--
and of course nobody wants
to admit this, right,
but we do this.
"What's the possibility of
finding somebody better?"
So, "We're dating right now,
we've been dating for a while,
"should I settle or hold
out for somebody better?
"What's the probability
that somebody--"
you have this
conversation in your head.
Now, you may not have it
explicitly, but it is like,
"Okay, is this
gonna work for me?"
It's very practical.
All right.
The last criteria that
I want to talk about--
and it's another
one of these things,
"Well, I'm attracted
to their personality."
Well, no.
(audience chuckling)
What we are attracted-- we are
attracted to attractiveness.
Now, it's a little
complicated here.
Babies...
spend more time looking at
culturally attractive faces
than unattractive faces.
People who are artificially
disfigured, and, in fact,
if we had somebody in
this room right now--
and I took the
theater department
and had them
artificially disfigured
and they were
sitting here,
people wouldn't
sit around them.
People sitting on-- this
experiment was done in New York,
having people on
a subway train,
and they had a
big scar or something,
people would
not sit by them.
We don't-- we migrate
towards attractive people.
Now, what does
that mean?
Well, there is
culturally attractive.
You know, some of
these folks here...
and they're popular because
they're culturally attractive.
In fact, we associate
attractiveness
with all positive
qualities.
We assume that attractive
people are smarter.
We assume that attractive people
do better things for the world,
that they get
in trouble less.
In fact, we assume that
they are less promiscuous.
In every study
that's been done,
it shows that we
believe that ugly people
actually have sex in
an inappropriate way
more than
attractive people.
So, we attribute all good
things to attractive people,
which is why they're more
successful because we--
well, they
should be, right?
Now, what is attractiveness
mean, though?
Because there is a cultural norm
which essentially means
that you have
a baby face,
that you have a face
that is symmetrical,
that both sides are
essentially the same...
big eyes, high cheek bones,
small nose in proportion
to your face, you have
an attractive mouth.
And there's a slight variation
between men and women,
and here's what's interesting
when you do surveys of women--
men and women.
Men are right upfront
in placing attractiveness
in their top three.
Women place it lower on their
scale-- five, six, seven, eight.
But in fact, when you
evaluate women's behavior,
it's no different
than men.
So women say attractiveness
doesn't matter, but, in fact,
when you evaluate their
behavior, it does.
But now is where it
gets more complicated.
This woman is often times--
in several studies,
and there are several
variations of this--
when given a whole group
of random pictures--
in fact, this
study was done
with winners of the
Miss German contest,
so the equivalent of
the Miss America--
it's been done with
Miss Americas, too,
I just happen to have the
picture of Miss Germany.
So people are shown
a whole bunch of pictures
of all of
the people in--
all of the women who
ran for Miss Germany,
and this woman
is picked out
as being the most
attractive, overwhelmingly.
This woman
doesn't exist.
This woman is
the average features
of all of
the other women.
So we like--
interestingly enough,
we like common
qualities.
Now, it even gets
more interesting.
See these two
pictures here?
That's the
same person.
In a wonderful
little experiment--
and this only worked
with heterosexuals.
So in this case, you
have the real person,
and then here, you have the
person morphed into a woman.
So a computer-generated
woman.
And this was done with
a whole bunch of pictures
of different people.
And it was done with both men
and women-- it's done both ways,
and that's why you have
to be heterosexual,
because if you morph
a man into a man,
you can pick
yourself out, right?
So what happened is,
is then they were flashed
a bunch of different
pictures of women.
Statistically, they
always picked themselves
as being the
most attractive.
So what happens is we actually
are attracted to people
who look like us.
This is true
for our mates.
I'm not going to
end up with her.
I know that's true--
of course, I married,
so it'd be a real
problem if I did.
But what happens is that
we tend to pick people--
if we take
this sort of--
you know, we create a rubric
here from zero to 10--
well, let's say 1.
Let's not give anyone
a zero on attractiveness.
1 to 10.
And we then--
if you're a 7,
you're going to
pick somebody
who's probably in
the 6, 7, 8 range.
We pick people who
are close to us.
Now, I know what
you're thinking, right?
"Oh, damn, all my
friends are ugly."
(audience laughing)
Well, it's statistically true.
That doesn't mean there isn't
some aberrations here and there.
So we tend to pick people who--
it's really easy to figure out.
Go to the mall.
Watch those gaggle of
teenagers running around.
They all look
alike, right?
I mean, they're all within the
same sort of zone of beauty.
So why do we get together,
how do we get together,
and how do we
stay together?
Well, it starts when
we are very young.
It starts with our experience
in being taken care of
when we are born.
Many of you understand--
you've had attachment theory
in other classes, but
I will take a moment
to explain it
very simply.
So what happens is
when you are born,
you are at the whim
of your caretakers.
You innately are attracted
to your caregivers,
physically and
emotionally.
Based on those first
couple years of life--
and there is an optimal
window that can be extended--
we will talk about
that in a second.
You have
three basic--
and these are sort of
the broad categories--
you develop as a child, and
then eventually as an adult,
three basic forms
of attachment.
You have secure
attachment.
Secure attachment is where I
feel good about other people
and I feel good
about myself.
"I trust myself
in relationships.
"I trust other people
in relationships."
Anxious ambivalent
is that...
"I feel good about other people,
but not so much about myself.
"That I'm highly anxious that
people are going to hurt me,
"that they are
going to leave me.
"I don't have a very
strong sense of self."
And avoidant is "I don't
feel good about other people.
"I don't trust
other people."
So these patterns develop
when we are very young.
We have some really
nice research
that has come out
of adoption studies
that looks
at children
who are in a very stark,
non-nurturing environment.
Because it's
not just food.
It's both physiological
and emotional care.
What this looks like,
then, as an adult,
is that this is the clingy,
jealous, "Please don't leave me,
"I'll do anything to
make you happy" person.
Because my
internalization is,
"I'm not worthy
of a relationship."
And "You're going to
leave me, I know it,
"so I have to do whatever
I can to keep you."
Avoidant is
"I don't really care
"if we have a
relationship or not.
"You know, I'm not gonna
come home tonight.
"I know I said I was going to
come home, but I'm just not.
"I was gonna stay and
hang out at the bar.
"What are you
so upset about?
"Don't worry
about it."
These are not absolutes, because
that's an important piece.
What happens is, is while
there is a critical period
in those
early years,
what happens if you
end up as an adult
and you're in one
of these situations?
Well, obviously, it's
going to be difficult
to have
relationships.
But that isn't to suggest
that you can't revisit
and reconsider your
relationship with yourself
and your relationship
with other people.
We do know-- and again,
that's where option studies
have been
quite helpful--
is that we know that people,
with a lot of effort,
can revisit and re-orient
their attachment style.
It's not easy.
It's much easier to have it
happen in those first 18 months,
three years.
But the opposite
can happen, too.
I mean, you could have a
very secure attachment style,
and then just
have a series
of really, really, really
crappy relationships,
which causes you to
start questioning
your value
as a partner,
or has you start questioning
the ability to trust others.
Equity.
We want to feel like we are
in an equal relationship,
that there is equity
in our relationships.
There are two
forms of equity.
You have the
early equity--
so when you first
start a relationship,
you're in a tit-for-tat
relationship, which means...
"I'm going to keep
a score sheet.
"In my mind, okay, you paid
this time, I'll pay that time,
"I cleaned your apartment,
what did you do for me?"
And it really is a tally sheet
in those early relationships.
"I don't want to get abused,
so let's look for equality,"
and we are very
specific about it.
Now, healthy long-term
relationships grow
from an exchange to a
communal relationship.
In a communal relationship,
I no longer keep score,
but I still
want equity.
But I recognize through
experience, through time,
that "Okay, if I do the laundry
this week, then next week,
"I know that you're
going to be doing--
"I trust that you're
going to be, you know,
"taking the kids to
soccer practice.
"Or if I go to your
parents' house,
"which of course is
never a good time,
"but I recognize that
you'll probably then
"take me out
to dinner or--"
it's always personal
how do you define equality,
but long-term successful
relationships evolve
into a communal
relationship.
In fact, one of the ways
to measure the maturity
and the predictability of
success of a relationship
is simply
looking at this.
If the couple is still
keeping a score sheet,
then they haven't developed
into a mature relationship.
And again, it's okay-- we
all start out at that level.
But if you've been
together for a few years--
three, four, five...
10, 20--
and you're still
keeping a score sheet,
then this really isn't the
kind of nurturing relationship
that you deserve.
Self-disclosure.
Obviously, self-disclosure is
based on the attachment theory
because self-disclosure is
sharing with your partner
your secrets.
Now, not
all secrets.
Some of those things, we're
not going to tell anybody.
Not that they're
terrible,
but just got to keep
something secret.
But your beliefs,
your goals,
when you get hurt,
when you don't,
because what that does
is create intimacy.
And I didn't talk
about it earlier,
but intimacy tends to
be the primary focus
of the most healthy
relationships.
And it does speak to
that nurturing, right?
I mean, it'd be hard to
nurture without intimacy.
Intimacy
breeds passion.
The biggest sex organ you
have is your prefrontal lobe,
is your head.
And so, intimacy attracts
you to the person.
Intimacy creates
commitment.
Because if I have-- I mean,
that's a special person.
We don't have many
people in our lives
that we are deeply
intimate with.
That's really
dangerous.
So if I find that person,
then I'm committed to them,
I'm moving towards commitment
because I want to keep them.
So self-disclosure is an
important part of success.
And lastly,
acceptance.
Interesting piece
of data that shows
that successful,
happy couples
tend to wear
rose-colored glasses
when talking about
their partner.
They tend to evaluate
their partner--
and they are
not unrealistic,
but a little bit less harsh
than the rest of the world.
They believe
positive things.
They interpret the
behaviors of their partner
in slightly more positive
ways than other people do.
It's not a lie.
All of it is
interpretation.
They just have a slightly
positive-- not unrealistic--
but a slightly positive
interpretation of their partner.
Okay, here's
a sad reality.
When are you most
happy in your marriage?
The day you're
married.
It goes downhill
every day after that.
(audience chuckling)
And it bottoms out
around five years old.
You need to
know this.
You really need to know this
because many people don't--
that happiness is...
at its height, when
you're first married.
You've heard of the
seven-year itch, right?
Pretty common.
It's actually true.
Not as true as we
believe it to be,
but what happens is
if you hit the bottom
at about
five years,
well, it takes you a couple
years to have that affair.
Not quite, but it does
slowly start to climb up.
Now, if those people who have
children somewhere out here--
when children leave, it also
takes another bump upward.
It never gets
back up to here.
Sorry, it's just one of those
things you've got to know.
So what do you
want to do?
What you need to do to
sustain your relationship?
Well, be aware that passion
and intimacy naturally wanes.
It's not that you're
with the wrong person--
it's just the
nature of love.
So the passion that
was there last week
maybe isn't
there this week.
Maybe it's gone until
the kids are seven.
Situations cause them to go up
and down, which is why, again,
having multiple points on the
triangular theory is useful.
Do things that
are exciting.
Even if you
have children,
find ways in which you
can do common things--
just the
two of you.
Even if it's only
for a week, weekend,
things that you
enjoy doing.
(exhaling)
This is-- avoid score-keeping.
This is that
checklist.
Long-term successful
relationships evolve
to where you no
longer keep score.
Constructive
communication styles.
Share your wants
and your needs.
Learn how to
communicate.
There's a whole process--
I'm not covering it here,
but there
is a whole--
many of you have been
taught it or you've seen it.
There's a theoretical model
for good communication
in a relationship.
Understand that outside stresses
can impair relationships.
Reach out in love when
your mate is under stress.
Remember that the
environment affects us.
It's going to affect
your relationship.
If your partner is having
difficulties at work,
difficulties at school,
difficulty with parents,
difficulty with children,
it's not a reflection on you.
It might feel like it
because they're angry,
they're stressed,
they're sad...
it's not you.
So understand that your
partner, just like you,
is affected by
the outside world.
A little data about
unhappy couples.
Unhappy couples have
a higher ratio
of negative-to-positive
comments.
In fact, here's
the thing, folks--
for every one bad thing you say,
for every one bad action,
for every dismissive
comment you make--
for every one, it takes
five to bring equality
back into the
relationship.
So integrate into your
relationships lots of positives.
And I'm not talking about
disingenuine compliments.
What we're talking
about is simple things.
What we're talking about is
simply stroking the shoulder.
What we're talking
about is, you know,
thanking them for doing the
laundry or for putting up--
we're not talking
about big things.
Big things
are good,
but what we're talking
about is small acts of love,
small acts of
appreciation.
And you really want to have
those part of your life,
because you got to make up,
because I guarantee you
everyone of us makes
negative comments.
We say bad things.
So we need to have a big
pool of positives to survive.
Unhappy couples get personally
hurtful when they fight.
They don't focus on what
they're fighting on.
They start insulting
the person.
It's the worst
things you can do.
Don't berate
your partner.
Engage in repeated
demand-withdrawal interaction.
This is when "I want
to talk about it"
and your partner
runs away.
You've got to quit-- now,
that's not to suggest that--
some people want to talk
sooner than others.
It's very
reasonable to say,
"You know, I'm really
upset about this
"and I need to
take a break."
Perfectly fine-- but now,
you're the person
who's taking a break
has a responsibility
to come back and says,
"Okay, I'm now calm.
"I'm not going to just
let it slide away.
"I, now, because I
asked for the break,
"have an obligation
to return."
This is that idea that unhappy
couples see their partner
through a
suspicious lens.
So this is obviously an
extreme one with an affair.
This is the opposite of
rose-colored glasses...
that when your partner does
something, whatever it is,
you see it
as negative.
You interpret everything
from a negative perspective.
And then, back to
the exchange model...
"I'll only do this
if you do for me,"
as opposed to the communal style
which is what we talked about.
All right, this
is a tough one.
This is going to be a
tough one because I guarantee,
just based
on statistics,
there are some
people in this room
who are or who have been
in an abusive relationship.
Bell Hooks, one of
my favorite authors,
has a book called
"All About Love."
If you just want a
really good book to read,
that's a
great book.
Bell Hooks is a graduate
professor at NYU.
She's now teaching at
another university by choice.
African-American
feminist...
really nice author,
and she uses--
she takes a theoretical
approach to her writing,
but it's a
personal narrative.
So it's very readable,
but based in theory.
And in her book, she says this--
"When we understand love
"as the will
to nurture
"our own and another person's
spiritual growth,
"it becomes clear that
we cannot claim to love
"if we are hurtful
and abusive.
"Love and abuse
cannot exist."
In fact, she goes on to
argue that people who abuse
don't know
how to love.
It's not part
of who they are.
That through their
own experience,
through their own
misinterpretation
of their emotions,
through lots
of things,
they have an unhealthy
understanding of abuse--
er, of love.
American Psychological
Association has a white paper
on love-- er, on abuse,
and it's gone so far
as to identify that abuse
is just not physical.
In fact, one of the
things that we know from
modern brain scan imagery
is that children who
were physically abused,
they have an abnormal
brain-- uh, an abnor--
a slightly
more primitive--
they go to the emotional
primitive state
as adults quicker than people
who weren't physically abused.
Children who were
emotionally abused
have the exact
same brain pattern
as those who were
physically abused.
There is no difference in your
development between the two.
They damage you emotionally
the same way.
So verbal abuse...
psychological and
emotional abuse...
physical abuse...
sexual violence...
and the abuse of male privilege,
where that we assume, as men,
we have some power that simply
by having a certain genitalia,
that "I get things
that you don't,"
and that "You have to serve
me emotionally, physically,"
whatever.
All of these
qualify as abuse.
And I'm not talking
about arguing.
I'm not talking about not
getting along all the time.
Argument is part
of relationships,
and there is a productive,
useful way to argue.
But argument,
when done properly,
is a conversation about an
issue that we want to resolve.
Abuse is me exerting
my authority over you,
emotionally
or physically.
So we're going to
come back to abuse--
we're going to talk
about ending abuse also,
but let's talk about ending
relationships, in general.
This is the
normal cycle--
I'm going to show you another
graphic here in a moment
what it looks like--
but the normal cycle
of ending a relationship--
and this can be a marriage,
it can be a
long-term relationship,
and it doesn't
really matter.
The first thing we do
is we start focusing
on our dissatisfaction-- "I'm
not enjoying the relationship.
"It doesn't work
for me anymore."
Then, I share it with the
partner-- "I'm not happy.
"It's not working."
Each one of these, as you'll
see in the graphic in a moment,
you can work
through.
Then, we announce
the breakup to others.
And then, lastly,
done in a healthy way,
we devise accounts
of the breakup.
So let's look at
this in the graphic.
So "I'm not happy,"
dissatisfied.
At some point, the threshold is,
"I can't stand this anymore.
"I deserve better,"
what have you.
Now, you start going
through these stages--
you focus on the
partner's behavior,
you assess the adequacy
of the partner,
you depict and evaluate
negative aspects
of being in the
relationship,
you start considering
the cost of withdrawal.
You know, if it's been a
long-term relationship,
are you married, do you have
a house, do you have kids?
You assess the
positive aspects
of the alternative
relationships--
"Okay, if I leave, what
would be good about that?"
You're essentially doing
a cost-benefit analysis.
Then, you're ready
to express my thoughts,
or repress
my thoughts.
It's like,
"All right.
"Yeah, I'm not happy, but
it's not worth leaving.
"I'm not happy, but the cost
of leaving is too much.
"It's going to destroy
my children's lives.
"It's going to
financially disrupt us."
That can happen.
But assuming that
you say, "Nope,
"I've reached
the threshold.
"Yup, cost-benefit--
I'd be justified to leave."
Then, didactic--
didactic meaning "two"--
now, you confront the issue,
confront the partner.
You discuss the
relationship.
Hopefully, you attempt to
repair the relationship
and to
reconcile.
Assuming this doesn't work,
as part of it--
again, now, you're
assessing the cost.
What's going
to happen?
Then, you get to the
"I mean it" stage.
This is not uncommon
in talking to couples
who have been in
couples counseling--
almost always one
of them will say,
"I got to a point where I said
'It's over, I'm leaving.'"
And the partner says,
"Wait a second-- this is real?
"You meant it?"
"Well, yeah, we spent
12 months in counseling."
But it's not uncommon
for one person--
they are not understanding
the scope of this.
So once you've said, "Yup,
we're leaving, it's over,"
now you've got
to go public.
So you move into
the social phase.
You negotiate the breakup,
you start initiating gossip,
your discussions with friends,
families, and others,
because you want to
create a public face.
This is why you could
never get a true story
about who is
at fault...
because we're
protecting ourselves.
We have a
psychological need
to believe that we
did the right thing.
So in the
initial stage,
"I'm going to say
what I did was right
"and I'm going to demonize this
person at least a little bit,
"if not a lot."
And then, I'm going to look at
how are my friends reacting.
Are they like, freaking out
saying, "This is stupid.
"What's wrong
with you?"
Okay, "Well, maybe it's
not the right thing to do.
"Maybe I've missed
something."
But assuming this goes
well, now it's inevitable.
Now it's happened.
The breakup occurs,
the divorce occurs.
Now, I need to
get over it.
If I'm intending to be in a
healthy relationship after this,
I also need to engage
"What went wrong?"
Because a relationship is,
by definition,
a relationship,
which means to people.
And so, even if it was
the right thing to do,
even if this is a partner
that I needed to leave,
I need to evaluate "Why was
I in this to begin with?"
So, "How can I not make
the same mistake again?"
So some of
the factors--
I've just got a couple
of slides left--
a couple of factors
around the effect
of a long-term
relationship or divorce.
Pre-divorce or
pre-breakup--
"I'm unhappy but
I'm a bit ambivalent.
"Should we
split up?"
This thinking stage can
sometimes be just as stressful
because, frankly, you know
that stress and anxiety
comes from a lack of control,
a lack of knowing.
It's like, "I don't know
whether I should breakup or not.
"I don't know whether we
should separate or not."
That's a hard thing
to think through.
Then, during the separation,
the real world changes.
The splitting up
of friends.
Most of us
underestimate.
What happens is to emotionally
prepare up to split up,
we do have to kind of
demonize the situation,
demonize
our partner.
When we actually
split up,
then some of the good things
that we didn't think about
show up like, "Well, I have
to eat alone every night now.
"And even though it wasn't
a fulfilling relationship,
"I had somebody to
go to movies with,
"I had somebody to share
responsibilities with."
So you have to deal with
those real-world situations.
The long-term impact--
if you have children,
then it becomes a
chronic stressor.
But in some cases,
it actually...
creates
self-efficacy.
It's like, "You know, I
really can stand on my own.
"I don't need to
have a partner.
"I really am capable and
deserving of a good life."
All right, what about the
abusive relationships?
What happens here?
Well, this is usually one of
the most difficult stages.
This is a stage of denial
that often times people are in
when they're in an
abusive relationship,
which is realizing that hurting
someone is never a sign of love.
Physical and emotional abuse
and love cannot coexist.
So you have to
first realize that.
Then, don't think that the
violence is just going to stop,
no matter how
much he or she--
and it's usually,
unfortunately, a "he,"
although sometimes
it is a "she"--
no matter how the times they
promise they won't do it again,
it's not just going
to magically stop.
What we're talking about
is a deep-rooted issue
within
that person.
That is not to suggest that they
can't rethink their behavior,
but it's not just going
to magically disappear.
Then, the person to leave
needs to reach out to others--
friends, families,
counselors, resource centers...
Grand Rapids
Community College,
for those of you who are
students, and you find yourself,
or you believe you're in
this kind of relationship,
you can go right to
the counseling office.
They will meet with you, they
will help you think through it,
they will provide free
counseling for a period of time.
They will help you connect
to outside resources.
So for those of you
who are a student,
you have resources if
you're in that situation.
Make a plan-- so if
you're living together,
if you're financially
tied together,
if you have children,
think through it.
And that's where the
others can help you.
And then,
leave.
Seek protection-- sometimes
it's legal protection,
sometimes it's just
physically moving in a place
where the person doesn't
have access to you.
And then, again, assess and
learn from the experience.
Why were you in
that to begin with?
And how can you do
things differently?
Okay, lastly...
you want to be in
a relationship,
so we'll end on
a positive note,
not a negative,
a downer.
So what can you
do to find love?
What can you do to find
a healthy relationship?
Well, first
and foremost,
you have to believe that
you can and should be loved.
Your self-talk, your belief
about you as a human being
should say,
"I'm worthy of love.
"In fact, I'm a pretty
damn good catch.
"Somebody deserves me and I
deserve somebody equally good."
Work on yourself.
Feel good about
yourself.
Be the best person
you can be.
Present your
best self.
Because when you do that,
when you work on yourself,
you build a sense
of self-efficacy,
you build a sense
of self-efficacy
at the same time you build
a sense of high self-esteem.
If you have a high self-esteem,
then at that point, you say,
"I'm worthy of having
a good relationship."
Be around--
guess what?
Nobody's going to show up at
your apartment and ask you out.
(audience chuckling)
Not going to happen.
Now, you are lucky-- most of
you, because you're in college.
A lot of people
around.
When you're older, then
you have to make an effort.
Join church groups,
go on--
take classes, whatever it
takes to be around people.
Because again, remember what
causes us to find somebody--
you've got to be
around people.
Show interest
in people.
Not like I do-- because those
of you who know me, you know,
it's like-- I have
a lot of interest
but I like to
look at people.
You know, do that
psychologist thing,
which usually causes
people to run away.
(audience chuckling)
I'm talking about showing
genuine interest in the person.
Ask them about
their life.
What do they believe,
what do they like?
I love these two.
Most people believe if you
want somebody to like you,
you should do something
for them, right?
Do something
nice for them.
The opposite
is actually true.
If you want somebody to like you
more, you want to convince them
to do something
for you.
It's basic cognitive
dissonance theory,
is that if you ask
somebody to take you home
and they don't have
to take you home--
it's a choice,
right?
Here's what goes on
in their head--
"All right,
I just drove 20--"
they're not thinking it
out loud, but unconsciously,
non-consciously,
they're thinking,
"I just went 20 minutes out of
my way to take this person home.
"I didn't have to do that--
I chose to do it.
"I'm a good, smart person--
my time is valuable.
"So why would
I do that?
"Oh, I must
like them...
"because I wouldn't do it--
that'd be stupid
"if I did it for
somebody I didn't like."
So in fact, the
psychology is...
when people do
something for you,
they actually
like you more.
Now, I'm not talking
about manipulating people.
I want you to be
kind and gentle.
(audience laughing)
Here's another one.
Do something
exciting.
If you have a choice between
going to a horror flick
and a romantic comedy...
go to the
horror flick.
Misattribution
of emotion.
Or go on a
roller coaster ride.
It's really good.
Because what happens is,
is that an emotional state--
when you go to something
scary like a roller coaster
or a horror flick--
and that's assuming that it's
not putting them over the edge,
where they
are freaked out--
but what happens is you
get a little bit afraid.
That's the same
physiology as love.
You know,
heart rate...
body becomes
flushed...
adrenaline
starts flowing.
What happens is then a
little bit of that biology
spills over to
the person you're with.
We misattribute some
of that physiology
towards the person
causing it.
Make it equal.
This is really important-- this
is important for two reasons.
Number one is it creates that
tit-for-tat relationship.
The other piece, though, is
that it actually empowers you.
Psychologically, you
know that if the person
that you're going out with
is always buying the meals,
always paying for things,
always driving...
you cognitively,
consciously or unconsciously,
feel the need
for equality...
which means then you have
to figure out ways,
"Well, how can I make
this relationship equal?
"This person is giving
me all of this stuff.
"What am I going to do
to make it equal?"
Well, you might end up
doing something
you really don't
want to do.
So make it equal
right from the gate.
And then, lastly, you
know what-- take a chance.
I guarantee you, you're going
to get your heart broken.
At least most
of us have, right?
At some point.
That's part of the process,
that's part of the learning.
In fact, one of the
things
we talk about
is successive approximation
towards your goal,
towards your
success.
I'm going to bet almost
everybody in this room,
if you think about the very
first person you dated,
you are really thankful that you
didn't end up with that person.
(audience chuckling)
But that was a learning
experience.
Like, "Okay, I'm taking
a shot in the dark.
"Oh, that doesn't
really work, does it?"
So you learn from that,
though, and the next person
was a little closer,
and then the next person--
and then, eventually, you
hone in on that right person.
But that means
taking a chance.
That means understanding
that you are capable
of standing
heartbreak.
And in fact, you will
learn and grow from it.
Okay, now it is time
for questions, answers,
thoughts,
reflections.
What do you
want to know?
>> Clarification of
"similarity."
You mentioned all
similar behaviors
but not similar
interests.
>> Yeah, the question is--
I'm gonna repeat the question
because this is being
recorded for YouTube and--
the question
of similarity.
It basically starts
with personality,
and then it builds
up from there.
So values,
principles, behaviors.
Personality comes first
because our behaviors
come from our
personalities.
Our expectations, our desires
come from our personality.
Family values-- it's more
difficult for people
who are different socioeconomic
backgrounds to pair.
That is not to
suggest they can't,
if they have
other similarities,
but basically, if you think
about all of the things
that make you a person...
from what your personality is,
from the things you
do on a daily basis,
your educational goals,
where you want to live,
all of those things,
the more similar--
they don't have
to be 100%--
but the more
similar,
the more likely you are to
sustain a relationship.
What else?
Now, I can't believe you
don't have questions.
>> Have you seen the
movie "dopamine"?
>> I have not.
The question of have I seen the
movie "Dopamine"-- I have not.
>> Okay, I was wondering
if you had seen
and what your
take on it was.
>> Since I haven't seen it,
I don't have a "take."
(audience laughing)
>> What would you
recommend when there
is an emotional attraction
but no sexual attraction?
>> That's a really
good friend.
The question is when you
have an emotional attraction
but no physical
attraction.
That's an opportunity for
just a marvelous friendship.
Now, the thing is, is that the
data would actually suggest
that if you're
attracted--
you know, if you're heterosexual
and it's a woman,
or if you're homosexual
and it's a man,
the data would suggest that
the emotional attraction,
assuming that it is shared,
will eventually--
or could eventually
evolve into a passionate
and a committed
relationship.
If it doesn't, then you have
a marvelous, good friend.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> Yeah, the question is
how do you make it equal
when the financial
status is different?
Well, that's when you get
to a communal relationship.
What you're looking for is
the totality of equality,
what you are
looking for is--
yeah, because
in most cases,
you're going to have some
unequal financial relationships.
So the question is how does
the person feel-- both of them?
And does the person feel
like there's some balance
that is happening
to make it equal?
So finance can actually
be quite complicated
if one person feels like,
"I'm making all the money
"and you're not making any
effort to make the money."
But you could also have
a situation is that,
"Yes, you're
living your dream
"and you're doing what
you really want to do.
"I'm living
my dream.
"We are nurturing each
other spiritually,
"and along with that,
"you provide for me
an emotional foundation.
"You provide for me these
things that allow me
"to make
more money.
"You create a foundation
for me to make that."
You have to, in a communal way,
feel that there is equality.
>> So would you say
that love is a choice?
>> Absolutely,
love is a choice.
We choose
to love.
Is there a biological
attraction to mate?
Yes.
I mean, that's
survival of the species.
But love is a choice and most
theorists in love theory
would argue that--
that we choose to love.
And by choosing to love,
it actually empowers us.
It actually allows
us to say,
"Hey, I don't have
to be abused,"
or "I don't have to
have inequality,
"and I deserve
to be nurtured."
So yes, I absolutely
believe love is a choice.
>> So like you were
saying earlier--
if you do have
a relationship
and you start kinda
losing the passion,
that could be normal
and not symbolize the
end of the relationship?
>> Yeah, absolutely.
The question is, is if
you're in a relationship
and you start
losing the passion,
is that normal or does
it symbolize the waning
or the end of the
relationship,
and the answer to that
is I guarantee you,
in any long-term
relationship,
that you're going to
see passion decrease.
Not necessarily
long-term,
but there are going
to be periods of time
when the passion
will decrease.
And sometimes,
it's situational.
When you have a
two-year-old baby, you know,
screaming and spitting
up food and stuff,
it's really hard to be sexy.
(audience laughing)
And it's not just
about sexy, but--
or again, if you've got exams
if you're worrying about money,
you know, if you've got
an unhealthy parent,
then stressors decrease
our sexuality.
In fact, one of the things
we also know-- it's cyclical.
I mean, there's so much
research and I didn't have time
to share it all.
There is a marvelous study
that looked at women's apparel
when they are ovulating versus
when they're menstrual cycle--
women show more skin
when they're ovulating
than when they're in
their menstrual cycle,
and even if you have
them dress themselves--
like, have little cartoons
and then draw clothes,
they draw less
clothes on themselves
when they are
ovulating.
So even in a month,
there's a cycle.
And men have
similar cycles.
So yeah, you're going to expect
that on a monthly, yearly,
and a lifetime basis.
That's where the
other sustains it.
And what you find, then,
if you do those other qualities,
like find things that you
do together that you enjoy,
it allows you to
rekindle the passion,
assuming that it was
there at one point.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> Yes.
>> What would you say is
the healthy way, I guess,
to go about those
differences?
You know,
agree to disagree or...?
>> The question is about how
to engage in healthy argument,
which is a very
important piece.
Number one,
first and foremost,
is you remember that
you love this person.
First and foremost, you
have to keep in your mind
that you love
this person.
Secondarily, you view argument
as a way to problem-solve.
So if you view it as
a way to problem-solve,
then you focus on
"What's bothering you?
"Honestly, what's
bothering you?"
And so, you speak
from an "I" statement
about "When you do this,
this is what I feel.
"Here is what's
bothering--"
so you don't say,
"When you do that--
"you know, I can't
believe you would do that."
You also, again-- you
don't berate the person.
You never berate the person--
in arguments, it's easier to do.
You don't go
to past events.
"Well, three years ago...
"well, last week..."
So if you want to
do is to focus--
and you want to genuinely
listen to the person
and try and understand
what are they upset about.
What is causing them
to feel this way?
So the best way
to think about it
is you focus
not on the person
but the issue
at hand.
Remember first and foremost
that you love the person.
Because, again, if
you love the person,
why would you
insult them?
Why would you intentionally
want to make them feel bad?
>> What's the best way
to go about continuing
in a relationship
after you've broken up
but you want to
get back together?
>> (chuckling)
The question is
how do you continue
a relationship
after you've broken up and
you want to get back together?
Who wants to get back
together-- both people?
Then, what you
need to do is--
and this is where we get
in trouble with love,
the same thing
we get in trouble
with all kinds of human
things like sex, whatever.
Is the first thing you
need to do is to approach it
somewhat scientifically,
somewhat problem-solving,
which is to have
a conversation
about why didn't it
work to begin with.
"What was it that caused us
to break up to begin with?
"What about me, what
about you, what about us?"
And then, entertain
the question,
"So what is
different today?
"Is anything
different today?"
Because if it's not,
you know, while you might
want to get back together,
it's just not
going to happen.
So you have to approach it
in a very analytical way,
which we don't like
to do with love.
Analytical...
love?
No-- it's just supposed
to be bells and whistles
and little cupids
running around.
You just have to be
very honest about it.
>> Do you think that people can
be friends after they break up?
>> Can people be friends
after they break up?
Well, again, it depends on the
intensity of the relationship,
it depends on why
they broke up.
It's really hard because
there is an emotional piece
that ties into it.
It does happen but
it's really difficult.
Now, if you
have children,
then you need to work
towards it very strongly
because, you know, it
is a bumper sticker--
"Behave for
the children."
That's
absolutely true.
And so, the more you can work
towards problem-solving--
but it's really
difficult to do.
>> Are you familiar with
the word "limerence"?
>> Limerence--
I'm not.
Do you want to
tell me what it is?
>> Oh, I just wanted to
know if you (indistinct).
>> Okay.
>> Do you believe long-distance
relationships can (indistinct)?
>> This is another one of
those interesting pieces.
Distance does not make
the heart grow fonder.
Distance makes the eyes wander.
(audience laughing)
You know, it's not-- I'm not
suggesting it can't work,
but number one, you have to
recognize that it's not easy,
that it is painful
and difficult,
and you need to
find ways-- now, there--
and there needs to be
a very specific reason.
So if your partner
is in Iraq
and you know that he or
she is going to be there
for a period
of time,
you know there's
a reason for it.
It makes it a lot
easier to justify it.
But because of what your
partner provides you--
like the passion part most
people can manage fairly well.
But it's the intimacy
piece that we really need.
It's that affirming piece
that we really need.
It's why we have this
person in our lives.
So if it's long-distance,
there needs to be a reason
and I need to understand
the duration of it--
at least a ballpark
duration--
and I have to work
really hard
to keep that intimacy
connection alive,
because that's why I've got
this person in my life.
>> Can guys and girls
"just be friends"?
>> Can guys and girls
just be friends?
Sure.
You can be--
it's difficult.
It's difficult because intimacy,
remember, can evoke passion.
So you have to make a
choice about "All right,
"for situational reasons, for
cultural reasons, whatever,
"I'm gonna make a
choice to have these."
Now, it is difficult
because of that nexus of--
you know, when we have
emotional connections,
it often times will evoke
physical connections.
But it can
be done.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> The question is if there
is boredom in the relationship
without children, do I think
the passion will ever come back?
Assuming that you have
intimacy and commitment,
then yeah, you can
typically spark passion.
One of the things you need to do
is have a conversation about it,
to be honest
about it.
And then, do things
that you enjoy together,
not focused on the
passion part necessarily,
but do some things that
really creates excitement
in the both of you,
and then, often times,
you can take
that excitement--
again, it's sort of that
misattribution of emotion--
and transfer it.
So if there's something that
you both really enjoy doing,
spend time
doing it.
And when you get those good
feelings about the behavior,
you can take that and
transfer it into passion.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> Only if you're focused
entirely on the passion.
If the passion is all that
I'm really interested in,
that's the dominant--
there's certainly-- and many
relationships are that way.
You know, it's the six weeks
of passion, and then it's over.
But it's not to suggest
that a relationship
that originates with
passion couldn't be--
couldn't evolve
into more.
It's more likely that
the opposite occurs,
that intimacy and commitment
evolve into passion
than the opposite.
>> How do you suggest
equalizing your time
between your partner
and your child
without one of them
getting jealous?
>> How do you equalize your
time between your partner
and your child so that one
of them doesn't get jealous?
Well, the point here is
the issue of jealousy.
Neither one of them
should get jealous.
I mean, this is one of
those committed pieces
of a relationship.
Children, at times,
take far more time
than you want
to give them...
but that's just the
commitment to raising a child.
And so, part of that
is an honest conversation
about "You know, because
I'm spending time here
"doesn't suggest that I don't
want to spend time with you,"
but it's one of those
honest, analytical pieces
that "We need to be
doing this right now.
"And I will commit that we
can commit to finding ways
"in which we can
be together."
So it may be-- "Let's--
the weeks are really bad
"but what we can do is how
about let's get Grandma
"to watch
the child,
"and then we're going
to spend four hours--
"or, if we're
really lucky,
"maybe we can get a
night somewhere."
Part of it is just
that open honesty
and part of it is an
acceptance by both partners
that when you have children,
you don't get equal time,
and that's
just a reality.
>> When you're dating someone
that is not as mature
as you are-- can you
still make it work?
>> Dating someone
who's not as mature?
"Mature" is defined as...?
>> As mentally type of thing.
>> Emotionally or...?
Well, again, it gets back
to that similarity issue.
Maturity-- it would be
a measure of similarity.
So if you are mature-wise
or developmentally
at very different
levels,
it's gonna be hard to
sustain the relationship
because it's
going to be hard--
you're going to
have different goals,
you're going to see the
world in different ways,
you're going to have
different experiences.
So maturity
is one of--
now, if you have lots
of other similarities,
then you may be able
to balance it out.
But nonetheless, that is one
of those similarity rubrics.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> I'm trying to move
so I can see you.
The question is what does it
mean when you're outgoing,
but when you get
around your partner,
that you just
freeze up?
Um...
I don't know why.
I mean, if your
innate personality
is one to be
outgoing and social,
and then why is that-- and
that really is who you are.
I mean, if you look at
the rest of your life
and that is really
how you behave,
then it would be
a red flag for me--
"Why is it that my behavior
is significantly different
"when I'm with
my partner?"
Because what you want
is a relationship
that doesn't
change who you are
but, in fact,
enhances who you are,
that accepts your
core personality,
your core way
of being,
and then provides you
with a relationship,
with an
environment,
that, in fact, allows the
part to grow and develop more.
So I'd be asking
some real questions
about "What is it about this
relationship that causes me
"to behave--
is it me?
"Am I putting
forth a false self
"because I think I need
to please this person
"and that's not
really accurate?
"Is it the person who's saying
'If you don't behave this way,
"'I'm not going
to love you'?"
I'd really focus
on that dynamic
and wonder what
is going on here.
Because who I am when
I'm with my other friends
and who I enjoy being
ought to be the same person
that you would see when
you're with your partner.
>> What should you
do in a situation
where you're a little
bit more withdrawn
and the other person is
just extremely needy,
to the point of
(indistinct).
>> Well, then we're getting
back to personality issues--
I mean,
attachment issues.
You know, and it's certainly
possible that we've got a person
who has that anxious
personality disorder,
that in fact they really
need to work on themselves.
They really need to understand
that they are capable
of being loved,
that they are capable
of being in relationship,
they deserve to be
in a relationship.
There's nothing that we
can do for somebody else.
They can only do
it for themselves.
And so, in any
given situation,
part of our
continuing evaluation
is "Does this meet
the definition of love?"
I mean, all
relationships have costs.
Any relationship we have,
there is a cost-benefit ratio
that we are constantly
sort of evaluating.
"Am I giving more
than I'm receiving?"
And that's
the question.
So I can't make my partner
become somebody else.
If that person that
he or she happens to be
is not allowing me to grow
and develop, and that person--
and that we,
as a couple,
are not willing to work
on it and grow and develop,
then that's sort
of the criteria
that it probably shouldn't
be together anymore.
If the person is
willing to work on it
and understands where that
insecure attachment comes from--
and I'm just doing
armchair analysis here--
then it's worth
the investment,
it's worth
sticking in
and seeing how that
will evolve over time.
>> Well, let's say that
you've been together
for about eight years and the
cycle is kind of (indistinct).
>> Well, then you really
start getting into
that evaluation model
about the cost of staying
and the cost of leaving.
>> Along that
same question,
how involved should we
be in someone's process
of changing their behavior?
>> You shouldn't be.
>> (indistinct speaking).
>> Well, that's part of
the nurturing process.
Remember, you can't
make anybody change.
They can choose to
work on themselves
and they can invite you
to be part of the process.
So as they are continuing to
grow and develop themselves,
they can invite you
to help them do it.
You could
be an aid.
But it's at
an invitation.
What you can't do is to evoke
change in somebody else,
to make somebody
else change,
to try and create an environment
where they will change.
It's just not
going to fly.
>> Coming from the other
perspective of trying to change,
can you expect your partner
to help you out with that?
>> No, I said you can
invite them-- absolutely.
That's the
definition of love.
Because-- I mean,
I'm talking about change--
all of us are growing and
developing, if we're lucky.
And part of love
is having a person
that is part of that
growth and development.
But you invite
them to do it.
They don't
push it on you.
>> In like a long-term marriage,
your partner will change.
What if your partner changes
into something you don't like...
(indistinct speaking).
>> Well, again--
and the question
is in a long-term
relationship, in a marriage,
and your partner is growing
in a way that you don't want.
Well, what we would suspect is
that somewhere along the way,
there was a breakdown
in communication
and a breakdown in
mutual development,
moving towards
a similar path,
which may mean that they were
actually different values,
different experiences that
started manifesting themselves
over time.
We can only hold things
in so long, and eventually,
if it's a false self that
you bring to a relationship,
eventually that authentic or
true self is going to show up.
And so, that's when we
start seeing a migration.
Again, you have to be
somewhat analytical
and you have
to be somewhat...
problem-solving
about it.
It's like, "Okay, this isn't
working for me anymore.
"Where you're at and where
I'm at is no longer functional,
"so what can we do?
"Can we do anything
to start developing
"some mutual
development?
"Becoming more parallel
versus divergent?"
You're not-- not everyone is
going to have relationships
where you overlap,
where you are the same person
growing in the same direction...
but there's always going
to be some separation.
But you want some
kind of parallel.
So again, just be honest
about it, talk about it.
Say, "You know, for my own
growth and development,
"here is where
I am headed...
"and this is where
I see you going.
"And if it continues
going down this path,
"we're not going
to be together.
"So what could we do to
bring it back together?
"Do you want to bring
it back together?"
I mean, that's
part of the question
because sometimes
the person says,
"No, I'm happy
the way it's going."
That's where you get
into that unhealthy--
not unhealthy...
unhappy.
So one more
question.
>> So for a lot of people,
they can't define love,
but you seem to have
been able to define love
in a very practical sense
and in the science.
Do you think it's
(indistinct) or, you know,
what part of it do you think,
percentage-wise,
is the unexplainable
fuzzy feeling,
emotional aspect.
>> I think it's that exact
from a practical perspective.
That's not to suggest,
you know, that the butterflies--
I mean, those
are great.
I mean, who doesn't
want those, right?
But there is still a
practical component above it
that it's not-- for your
own growth and development,
you can't have
butterflies every day.
You can't have butterflies
probably new ones every year,
because that means you're
having lots of relationships.
You know, Sternberg's and
Erich Fromm's definition
has been-- you know, this
has been around a long time.
People have evaluated
Sternberg's model.
There are thousands of studies
that have looked at this
to suggest this-- really,
at least in our culture--
there are some variations
between different cultures--
but in Western society,
it's a pretty robust model.
And it does help us make
sense out of and understand.
That's not to
suggest that there--
you know,
in so many things,
there is that undefinable
part of being human.
That works very parallel
with this more objective,
analytical
piece of it.
You just enjoy the ride
of the emotional part,
but don't let
it dominate you.
And the more you look at love as
a mystery that is undefinable,
then it's really hard to say,
"But if there's a problem,
"I can fix it,"
or "that I can expect
these things out of it."
It's like so many
human conditions
that there are pieces that
are, in fact, manageable
and definable.
Thank you.
(applause)
