

The Light In The Darkness Series ~ Book 1

A Tale Of Transformation

Alexa Stewart

Bryne Press

Published by Byrne Press at Smashwords

© 2012 by Alexa Stewart. All rights reserved.

SECOND EDITION – Revised

Bryne Press functions only as book publisher. As such, the ultimate design, content, editorial accuracy, and views expressed or implied in this work are those of the author.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any way by any means - electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or otherwise - without the prior permission of the copyright holder, except as provided by USA copyright law.

This publication is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons living or dead is entirely coincidental and beyond the intent of either the author or publisher.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scriptures are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc.™ Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com.

Scripture references marked KJV are taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

The Light in the Darkness Series: A Tale of Transformation was previously published by WinePress Publishing (Aug 2011)

ISBN 13: 978-1-4675-3467-3  
Library of Congress Catalog Card Number: 2012944588.

Dedicated to my grandfather, a pastor from Scotland –  
whose love of writing verse and short stories runs deep within my heart.

Contents

In The Dark

Back Home

Emma's Choice

Life with Emma

Quest to Know

Winds of Change

Room of Waiting

The Next Day

Saying Goodbye

The Return

Deep Love

Other Books

In The Dark

DO YOU KNOW the difference between a dream and a vision? Ann didn't. But the difference would transform her life forever. This is what she experienced.

* * * *

Everything was black when I opened my eyes. It was impossible to make out where I was in the darkness - merely that I was in an alien place completely unfamiliar and strange to me. This wasn't the world I knew and I had no memory of how I had gotten here.

Crouching behind a large boulder, shivering from cold and fear, I looked around. All I could see was a vast darkness, casting the space around me into oblivion. Against this black void plunged an enormous curtain of light, falling from unseen heights, the ends vanishing far into the distance on either side of me. My breath came in deep gasps of vapor, as it floated in the dark.

I watched mesmerized as the iridescent entity fell out of the black sky in crystal streams of ebbing color... shimmering... pulsing. It was like sitting in a vast, cold, dark room with the light from the television illuminating the things around me, only I wasn't home. I was in an alien world, submerged in the dark, with the living curtain of light the only illumination.

Where am I?

Why am I here?

Then the thought... Am I dead?

Every cell of my body tingled with dread. I felt unprotected behind the cold, hard surface of the stone, as I felt the light calling me, drawing me, urging me to come. I fought the desire. It called to me in a way that was hard to resist, but I did.

As I cowered there, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. Tearing my gaze from the light, I looked to my left and in the dim glow, saw another face lit by the pulsating light.

Suddenly, I realized I knew him. It was Mr. Tennyson, a nice teacher I had had at Trinity High School, many years ago.

What's he doing here?

Is he dead too?

I glanced to my right and saw, stretched out in a long, irregular line, more stone boulders melting into the dark, with dim faces lit up by the living curtain. All were looking at the light, drawn to it.

My eyes returned to the fluid light. I couldn't move. I just couldn't, I was so frightened and uncertain of this place.

Movement drew my attention back to Mr. Tennyson as I watched him slowly stand up and walk around the stone, the dark swallowing his legs like a black fog. He glided toward the light with an unreadable expression, his hands stretched out in front of him. I watched transfixed as he stopped in front of the living curtain, hesitating, just a breath, before touching it. The fluid light rippled over his hands, sparkling, and spitting light embers. His countenance lit up with a large smile, joy emanating from his face. Gliding forward, he allowed the light to flow over his arms, his shoulders, and finally all of him was engulfed by the liquefied light.

The transparent curtain, like a living crystal prism, showed him emerging on the other side, as though through a wavy, distorted window.

Gripping the icy surface of the stone, I screamed in horror, but I could hear no sound in this alien world. Mr. Tennyson had emerged on the other side with his flesh eaten away to reveal a hideous, deformed creature. Sinew and bone were now rearranged into a gruesome mass of distorted flesh. Huge bulging eyes and a ravenous mouth dominated his repulsive features.

Why, dear Lord?

What's happening?

Silent sobs shook my body. The creature's countenance was twisted into unadulterated hate. It looked as though it needed something to devour, something to destroy.

Tears streamed down my face.

What am I going to do?

What's going on?

I felt so powerless, small, and alone in a world I didn't understand. Shrinking down behind the boulder, I tried to conceal myself. With my heart pounding I thought... There's no way I'm going near that curtain!

Suddenly, movement to my right revealed a child in a wheelchair pushing herself toward the light. I held my breath, observing her move ever closer.

It's going to mutilate her! I can't look!

Morbidly I watched.

I called out to her, trying to stop her, but no sound carried on the air. All I could hear was the wild pounding of my heart. I tried to stand to my feet, but my legs wouldn't obey me. They felt like lead, rooted somewhere in the darkness beneath me. Helplessly, I clung to the hard, frigid surface of the stone and stared, transfixed.

Stopping in front of the living curtain, she reached out her hand, touching its liquid surface. Drawn into the light, like Mr. Tennyson, she too was transformed, but this time no monster was revealed. Instead, an angelic, beautiful young woman, healthy and whole, stood on the other side with a gentle expression on her face.

Sounds couldn't be heard here, I realized, but a strange sensation came unbidden and strong... a feeling that she was good and kind, finally at peace from her tormented past, and somehow I discerned it to be true.

Relieved at her transformation, I was beginning to realize what was happening.

Slowly I let out my breath...

What had been Mr. Tennyson started to leer at the young woman. Dread filled me, as I wondered what he was going to do. She seemed so defenseless against the ugliness and hate that I could see on his face. However, neither of them moved.

My terror subsiding, I watched in morbid fascination as more and more people walked toward the falling curtain of light, touching it, transforming.

Either I'm having the worst nightmare I've ever had... or I have died, and this is death.

But how can this be a dream? It's so real and I can feel the cold. The stone is hard under my hands and I can taste my fear.

I must be dead. But, if I'm dead, is this a place of transition from one life to the next? Is the curtain a device that reveals our true nature? This can't be heaven. This isn't at all what I learned in Sunday school! It's so unfamiliar, so strange.

Please, let it be a dream!

I stood there, in a world that wasn't mine, frightened, and wondered what is going to happen next. Was there more to the other side than just the transformation? I looked around for a way out, an escape, but I couldn't find any.

Ducking down again, as low as I could get, I wrapped my arms around myself, holding my shaking body. I wiped fresh tears from my icy face with my arms, reluctant to let go of my trembling form.

I want to get out of here!

Almost everyone was transforming into demonic creatures, so few into angelic entities. What's going to happen to me? It's calling me, drawing me, pulling me. The urge is so strong. It's like needing to breathe.

I closed my eyes.

But, how can I go? I know I'm ugly inside. I just know it! I can't stand myself. I've done some awful things in my life. I'm not worthy... I don't want to find out what I'm really like inside. Not this way. I'm not going... But how long can I stay here?

I wonder how God sees me?

I realized I didn't know... I mean really know. My heart quaked in my spirit with the fear that I had not connected with Him well enough in my life. Was I his servant or mine? If the religious men of Jesus' day, who worshiped God, and dedicated their lives to being men of faith, if they could miss the mark so badly, have I? Didn't I just have a fight with my mother a while ago and tell her I hated her? Was that what God would want me to do? I concealed my anger and hurt toward my ex-husband, my mother, and my life. I never gave any of it over to the Lord or learned to forgive. What kind of a person am I, really? It's too late to find out now!

The idea of going through that curtain made me ill, but I knew I would go... eventually... and I trembled.

Mr. Tennyson appeared to be a good man. I know he was a good man and yet... I didn't dare look at the monster who had once been my teacher. He had been nice to me and all the students in his class. I really liked him. Why had this happened to him? It didn't make sense.

Curling up into a tight ball, I wanted to disappear, to get out of here, to go home! I closed my eyes and cried again as I thought about the life I had lived, and I fought the pull from the pulsing, living light.

My mind wandered into my past. I had been so alone in life, raised by a domineering mother, in poverty, and want. I ran from her, as soon as I could, unknowingly into the arms of an egotistical, selfish, and heartless man. I seemed to be destined to live life in pain, loneliness, and unworthy of love. Why didn't I do more to serve God with the life and time I had been given? Why can't I feel His love, now? The only way to find out the truth is to walk through that light.

Glancing over the stone, through my tears, I could see the demonic crowd mingling, swelling, and encircling the few beautiful people who stood there. I felt the evil crowd's hate and desire to destroy. Their demonic faces burned with anger and resentment, as they drew ever closer, snapping their teeth and snarling.

Dread sprang into my heart for the angelic few, but what could I do? I'm afraid of what will happen to me. What if I become deformed? What if it shows my anger and hate?

I couldn't move. With a coward's heart, its rhythm ever pounding, I pressed my cold face against the hard surface of the stone, closed my eyes, and wept.

Back Home

OPENING HER EYES, Ann tried to figure out where she was. Focusing, she watched the ceiling fan revolve slowly overhead, while soft light filtered into her room from the early morning sun. Her body, drenched in sweat, was cold and clammy even though warm summer breezes blew gently through her open window. Her pounding heart eased as she realized where she was. She was home, in her own room, where she belonged.

She closed her eyes in relief, but the dream or experience, whatever it was, still lingered vividly.

The memory unsettled her. It must have been a dream, she reasoned with soft tears forming in her blue eyes. But what a dream!

The questions she had about herself remained, a fresh wound in her heart and mind. She wanted to know what she was like inside, if she was worthy of God's love.

But, like everything hard in her life, she didn't want to deal with it right now. Stretching, she shoved it deep into a corner of her heart.

Yet, set aside and abandoned, the questions lived all the same. The dream gave them substance and they would grow, gently and tenderly. Someday soon, she would have to deal with them.

"Mommy, Mommy," said little Marty from the hallway, "we're gonna be late for school!"

Marty, Ann's precocious six-year-old daughter, was adorned with beautiful green eyes and auburn hair. This lovely child, with a sweet heart and vivacious personality, was the type of daughter any mother could be proud of. Marty lived to give pleasure to all, and to everyone she met, she tried. Little Marty took it upon herself to run the household. This was her way of expressing her love to her mother. Anything that needed to be done she eagerly did it, or at least attempted it.

Marty took care of her three-year-old little brother, Matt. He was a miniature of Marty in every respect, except personality. He was so quiet and serene compared to her outgoing and bubbly nature. Yet, no two children could have been so well match, nor loved each other more.

Marty and Matt were the remnants of a typical American family, now dysfunctional and fractured into pieces by a missing father. Through the hurt, pain, and betrayal of the family members in Ann's life, her children were the only family she acknowledged.

Her mother, Emma, blamed her for being alone with two small children to raise. It was all Ann's fault that she couldn't keep a husband, let alone such a good catch as Sean Henderson had been. He was handsome, had plenty of money, and was in good standing with the community. Sean constantly made Emma feel special when he was around. He had a knack for making women feel special, when he wanted to.

It didn't matter to Ann's mother that Sean didn't come home some nights, which was Ann's fault, of course. It didn't matter that he was unfaithful to Ann. It didn't matter that he had left his family in the dust, pursuing his own selfish passions, which resulted in the divorce. According to Emma, Ann should have been a better wife to him, she should have tried harder, done more, looked the other way. So, as a result, Emma and Sean were now excluded from Ann's life, and only the children remained.

Ann sighed and jumped out of bed. She glanced at the bedside clock, shocked to see that the time read 8:05AM. The big red numbers on the clock advanced.

It can't be after eight o'clock already! I'm going to be late for work and dropping the kids off at school! Thank goodness school will be out in a few weeks, she told herself.

Ann giggled as she pictured her daughter standing in the hall, probably with her hands on her hips, and a deep, serious expression dominating her face. We are going to be late for school, echoed in Ann's mind as she remembered her daughter's voice. School and daycare, to Marty were the same things. And it was essential that her mommy get them to school on time. It was the most important thing to do, right now, this very moment, no matter what!

Ann ran to the bathroom, splashed water on her face, and ran a quick brush through her mousy brown hair. She was no longer the pretty cheerleader Sean had married. She was a little overweight, but not by much. After two children, running a home and keeping a full-time job, life had taken its toll on her. She didn't want it to, but it had.

For now, she could skip putting on her makeup. She didn't have a client until ten o'clock that morning and she could take care of it at the office. Ann felt guilty. She was so disorganized, most of the time.

Always be prepared. Make a list of what you have to get done and follow it. Ann could hear her mother's commanding words echoing in her head. Ann moaned sadly. Yeah, her mother always told her what to do and how to do it.

Ann grabbed a toothbrush, scrubbing her teeth as she ran to the closet. Boy, if Mom could see me, she'd demand that I use toothpaste. I don't need it, I don't have the time, she reasoned. She grabbed the first pantsuit she saw. This'll do. It's clean, she reassured herself.

Quickly she dressed, tossing the toothbrush onto the messy bathroom counter, kicking some clothes aside as she ran out of her room thinking, I've got to clean this place up. I'll do it tonight, when I get home.

But she knew she probably wouldn't. She meant well, but the time just disappeared. Why can't I find time for myself, and do the things that need to get done? It isn't fair. Life shouldn't be like this. But it was.

"Hurry, Mommy!" Marty squeaked in her excitement. "Mrs. Lunden is going to read The Apple and the Bear this morning, and I don't wanna miss it!"

Matthew stood in the hall, chewing on the toast Marty had given him. One arm in his little red shirt, as the clothing hung lopsided, dragging on the ground, the other hand holding his toast. He looked funny standing there, concentrating on the task at hand, trying to put on his shirt and eat his scant breakfast.

Ann reached down, helped him with his shirt, buttoned it up, and scooped him up in her arms as she grabbed for her purse and keys.

After I drop the kids off, I'll swing by the doughnut shop for a quick bite, she reasoned. Slow down and don't rush, she chided as she flew out the door with Matthew tucked in her arms and Marty running on ahead.

Ann managed to get the kids dropped off at the daycare and school, a little late, but safe in the hands of others whose job it was to care for them during the day. She wished she could stay home and take care of them herself. It certainly would be easier to manage a home if she could be a stay-at-home mom, but even when they lived with her ex-husband, he told her she had to work for all the extras he thought they needed.

Now she struggled to keep a roof over their heads and food on the table. The small, two-bedroom apartment was so different from the luxurious house on the lake. But the tiny residence was now the only home they had, and she would have to make do.

Her ex-husband had nothing to do with the family, once he left. Ann was tired of waiting for Sean to come through with his child support.

Why should he pay to take care of his kids when he didn't care about them in the first place? Otherwise, he never would have started up with that woman in our church, of all places. He never gives a thought about what will happen to Marty or Matt. He certainly doesn't care what happens to me. He doesn't care if they have enough to eat, clothes to wear, or even a roof over their heads. He just cares about his house, his car, his money, his needs.

Ann slammed the front door of the Mica Peak Real Estate office. It shocked her that she was still so upset after all this time. She shoved her feelings down hard and out of sight. She thought, Just forget it! I don't need to deal with this! It's water under the bridge, and that bridge needs to be blown up!

Shelly looked up from her desk with a start. "Look what the cat drug in," she smirked and gave Ann a warm smile.

Shelly and Ann had been best friends since high school. Today, Shelly was elegantly dressed in a well-tailored pinstriped suit and white silk blouse. Delicate gold jewelry with diamond-like stones adorned her slender throat and ear lobes, her rich brown hair flowed softly over her shoulders, enhancing her tall, slender frame. Shelly was the definitive professional and Ann wished daily that she could be more like her best friend.

And like a best friend, Shelly had encouraged Ann to study for her real estate license and come work with her. Since Ann's previous job had been working for Sean in his office, she readily accepted the offer, studied hard, and went to work at the real estate office, soon after the divorce. Now, the two friends worked side by side, supporting each other in work and friendship.

Shelly was married to a wonderful man she had met in college. James Ferguson was a hardworking man, gentle and loving. He was attentive to her every need. What a contrast to Sean. The Fergusons attended the Lakeside Presbyterian Church, and since they weren't able to have children, they spent as much time as they could in the children's ministries there. Jim took the youth group on excursions and field trips as often as he could. Both Fergusons tutored children in the evenings at the local library twice a week.

Ann had never met such a kind and gentle soul as Jim, and Shelly was devoted to him. He was the opposite of Sean in every way, and Ann hoped that someday she could meet someone just as special.

Ann huffed and slumped with a thud into her chair, sending it reeling back against the wall.

"Bad night?" asked Shelly with a surprised look on her face.

"It was one of the worst," Ann said with too much emotion, remembering the dream from last night.

"Do you want to talk about it?" asked Shelly.

"No, not right now, Shell. I'll tell you about it later, if that's okay," Ann responded wearily.

Ann felt the dream was too personal and deep to share it with anyone, just yet. She couldn't make sense of it herself, so how could she explain it? Maybe Pastor Henry would be able to help. But Ann wasn't sure she could relate it to him, either. He would probably chalk it up to her overactive imagination and her pent-up emotions about Sean and her controlling mother.

Shelly looked at the clock on the wall. "You'd better hurry. The Colesons will be here any minute and you don't have your face on yet."

Ann dragged the spare makeup bag out of her desk drawer, made a face at Shelly and tried to frown with a twinkle in her eye as she grumbled, "Slave driver!"

She rushed into the restroom to finish getting ready to face the day.

I need to make more time in the morning to do this. Shelly's so nicely dressed and ready to work when she gets here. I need to be more professional. After all, this is my life now, and I need to make the best of it. It's the only income I can depend on.

The Colesons were a sweet, elderly couple. They were looking to downsize their large home in the nearby town of Valleyford for a retirement condo, hopefully on a golf course in the area. Mr. Coleson was a retired medical equipment salesman and he just loved to golf. Golf was his passion. All his spare time and vacations were spent on a golf course somewhere, with or without his wife. Mrs. Coleson had been a librarian for twenty years and felt that Mr. Coleson's obsession with golf was excessive, expensive, and amounted to just plain abandonment. But what could she do? She loved him unconditionally, at least she tried to. They had a large, extended family living in the area, so Ann was requested to find a home nearby.

Ann was good at selling real estate. She liked looking at homes, old or new. Every new listing was an adventure for her. She loved looking at the rooms and the layout of the property. She always imagined herself in each home and thought about what she could do to the place if she lived there. But her favorite listings were the old homes - the older the better - especially if they had been estates at one time. Her imagination would take her into the past, thinking about the people who had lived there and what their lives might have been like. She imagined herself in the house, pretending to be the mistress. This was Ann's favorite escape. Temporarily, with the current problems of her life gone, she could be anyone she wished to be. It felt good to be in another place for a while and to own something that wasn't a small, two-bedroom apartment or the broken-down old trailer that she had grown up in. Daydreams can make you feel special and happy for a while.

However, Ann had a reserve around her clients that impaired her salesmanship. Her emotional fortress was unassailable. She was protected and sheltered behind the hard walls of her heart and she didn't venture past them very often. The long years of poverty and emotional trauma she had grown up in had started those walls, but Sean's betrayal and neglect had made them tall and firm.

Through her emotional reserve, she couldn't relate to the needs of her clients at all, not like Shelly. Shelly loved people. You could tell. She asked the right questions and took the extra time to know them. She relished doing the extra things that made her special to them. Shelly was happy, outgoing, admired and well-liked by all who knew her. Ann was withdrawn, generally excluded, and walled off by the emotions that protected her. Ann and Shelly were like salt and pepper, white and black, day and night. They were opposites, but they complemented each other quite well.

As Ann started to relax and get ready for her ten o'clock appointment with the Colesons, the memory of that vivid dream returned. Images of what her friends and family might look like paraded through her mind. She shook her head to dispel them, trying to focus on the tasks at hand. But, when the Colesons came into the office, Ann thought again about the curtain of light. She had an image of the two elderly people transforming through the light, becoming deformed and ugly. Not liking that image at all, she tried to think about them as angelic. She couldn't help giggling to herself.

This is nuts! Cut it out and concentrate on your work.

But as the day progressed, she kept imagining the outcome of the curtain of light on just about everyone she saw. By the end of the day, exhausted from trying not to think about it, she was a little short with the children when she picked them up that afternoon.

"What's wrong, Mommy? Did I do something?" asked Marty with concern as they drove home.

"No! No... I'm just tired, sweetie," answered Ann with regret. After all, this had nothing to do with the children. She had to be more careful.

"How was school today?" she asked no one in particular.

The children chattered away about school, what they did and what they had learned. Little Johnny Tucker had tried to take Matt's favorite toy away at the daycare center and he told his mommy how he had heroically protected it until Miss Jenkins took it away from both of them and put it high on top of the bookcase.

"It was mine," he cried in injured pride. "I had it first!"

"Little man, you need to learn to share more," his mother responded. "You know it's the right thing to do, don't you? After all, you would want him to share with you, wouldn't you?" she asked.

Matt sat in the back seat, not saying a word with a big, indignant frown on his face. I had it first, was flashing from his eyes.

Marty chatted on about her teacher, Mrs. Lunden, and how she loved the reading hour at school. She was the best reader in her class, Mrs. Lunden had said so.

Ann pulled into her parking spot at the Crestview Apartments. The carport, which was open on all sides with small metal columns supporting a flat roof, provided little to no shelter. The building was a small, two-story complex with only a dozen units surrounded by a thin strip of lawn and bushes. The grounds were barely kept up, looking more threadbare than tidy. The complex needed a good coat of paint, and if the windows were ever washed, which wasn't likely, it would probably result in the collapse of the whole building.

The children flew out of the car and raced up the stairs to the front door of their corner apartment. Rather, Marty ran and Matthew followed as fast as his little legs could manage. Ann smiled with delight as she watched the race. She told them to be careful as she locked the car.

As the children played on the platform, she pulled open the screened door, unlocked the front door, and walked into the stuffy residence, leaving the front door wide open. All the windows were opened, letting in what breeze there was. On went the ceiling fans.

Ann went into the kitchen, and opened the cupboards to see what she could find for dinner.

"Can I help, Mommy?" asked Marty.

"Sure. Would you set the table, please?" Ann responded.

"'K...," Marty replied.

She's always so helpful, Ann thought with a warm smile.

"Would you make some toast too? We're going to have chili and toast tonight."

"Uh huh" Marty said, mumbling as she tried to put a glass on the table in front of the knife and spoon. She had placed three plates on the table with a fork on the left of each plate and a knife and spoon on the right.

She's going to make someone a wonderful wife, Ann laughed to herself. The can of chili was opened and dumped into the saucepan on the stove. It's not going to take long to heat this up, she thought happily.

"I can do the toast for you, if you want me to," Ann informed Marty.

"No, I kin do it!" Marty replied as she sped up the setting of the table so she could do the toast.

Ann poured milk into glasses for the children and iced tea for herself. Relaxing, doing the mundane things of life, like making dinner, a thought put its icy hand on her heart.

What if I have that dream again tonight? I don't want to go there again!

With her thudding heart, she broke out into a cold sweat and tried to stuff the fear down hard, out of sight, as she focused on feeding the children.

This is going to be a long night, she thought dreading the time to come.

When dinner was over, Ann placed a movie into the DVD player. Friday nights were movie nights for the small family. They always made popcorn and sat in front of the small TV, entertained until it was time for bed. But this night, Ann didn't join them.

Suddenly, the apartment needed to be cleaned. She vacuumed, scrubbed and even reorganized her bathroom, keeping herself busy. By the time she went to bed very late that night, she fell exhausted into bed and slept dreamlessly until morning.

Emma's Choice

EMMA WESLEY, ANN'S mother, is a strong and domineering woman. She knows what she wants out of life and will strive to get it, no matter what the cost. She's bound and determined nothing is going to stop her from fulfilling her dreams and the dreams she has for Ann. No matter whom she hurts, what it costs, or how it needs to be accomplished, she'll see that it gets done. After all, she knows what's best. She always knows.

* * * *

Emma was born the youngest child of Harold and Peggy Wesley. She grew up with her two brothers on a lovely 400-acre farm in the rolling grasslands of Speedmount, Kansas. She was a gentle child, loving and sweet tempered. Her mother and father were devoted to their little girl and gave her as much time and attention as they could spare. Running a farm took a lot of time and energy. Everyone in the family had to work hard to keep it going. Emma divided her time between working with her mother in the house and with her father and brothers on the land. It was a hard life, but a good one.

In the summer of 1969, Emma turned fourteen years old, met Fred Hyatt, and started down a road of bad choices that would destroy her old life and drive her from her home.

She first met Fred at the Fourth of July picnic. Her heart fluttered when she saw him drive up in his red Mustang convertible, his hair all ruffled by the wind, so tan and good looking. He strutted out of his car like he owned the world, and maybe he did at the magnificent age of eighteen. He glanced at Emma and gave her a big smile and a wink. Emma fell in love instantly.

He flirted with her as he played touch football nearby with his friends. He teased her by paying attention to other girls when he knew she was watching.

Eventually, with a swagger, he strolled over and introduced himself with a knowing smile. They talked for a while and Emma found herself walking with him and talking as if she had known him all her life. All she could think about was Fred and how handsome he was. She even tried out his name for her own... a funny thing for a girl to do, but easy when you're immature and daydream of a future with someone special. Emma Hyatt, she thought with a big smile. That would make a wonderful name.

Fred attended Malcolm High School, just a few miles away and Emma gave him her phone number. Soon they were talking for hours, day after day. Emma yearned to be with him, and he thought she was cute enough to take out, at least for a while.

When he asked her to go with him to a local football game the next weekend, Emma was crushed when her parents said no. They told her that she was too young to be dating anyone, let alone a high school senior. In the ensuing fights, no amount of talking or yelling could convince Emma that she should wait until she was old enough to go out with Fred.

Almost immediately, her parents forbid her from seeing him. Emma responded by sneaking out of her bedroom, night after night. Too soon she was pregnant, and from that time on her life would never be the same. Deep and sad were the changes to the people she knew and loved. Her family was crushed and her friends avoided her. Her childhood vanished, and Emma, only a young girl had to grow up and strive to be a woman.

Word of her pregnancy spread rapidly around the small community of Speedmount, and when her classmates started teasing her and snickering behind her back, she was mortified. Within days, she had dropped out of school. She didn't tell her parents for fear they wouldn't understand. Besides, it would only add to her troubles with them. Sadly, the lack of an education would always haunt her, condemning her to poverty and constant struggle.

Why is everyone turning against me? I'm in love and having a baby. What's so bad about that? she wondered.

Before long, her attitude toward life changed. Her heart hardened against life and anything that got in her way. She would find places to go during school hours and daydream about the life she was going to have with Fred and their new baby. He would take care of her. After all, he had told her how much he loved her, over and over again. She knew he was going to ask her to marry him any day now, but he never did.

How could she realize that his love for her wasn't the same? That what he thought of as love wasn't love at all, but just the immediate fulfillment of his desires. Not once did Fred think of a future with Emma. And she had no idea that her dream of a family only existed in her heart, alone.

* * * *

Life changes so quickly, sometimes. Like a sputter of a flame or the blink of an eye.

Fred was dead. Why did he have to die? For the rest of her life, Emma would believe that her life would have turned out differently, if he hadn't been killed in that car accident. Yes, she knew he drank once in a while. That's one of the things that made him so mature.

But the realization that his drinking had killed him was hard to take. Oh, how she wished she could have died with him. How was she going to face life now, with the new baby, and no Fred?

How could Emma know the chain of events that were set in motion the day she told Fred that she was pregnant? She wasn't aware how her words would alter the course of his life, and hers.

Fred wasn't prepared to take on the responsibilities of being a father. His future prospects were unknown and he didn't know what to do. He didn't want to marry Emma and she wouldn't get an abortion. He didn't want a child now. Once his parents found out, they asked him to do the right thing. But, he couldn't.

On the night he died, drinking too much trying to avoid the decisions he had to make, he drove away from the Foxfield Tavern in grief, anger, and frustration, erasing his future by losing control of his car, driving off the road, and into a tree.

Emma grieved. She rode the emotional roller coaster of missing Fred, and the life they could have had. And then dreaming about her baby and the happiness it might bring. She fantasized about being a mother, like her own. She envisioned how important and mature she was going to be, but nothing turns out the way it should. Dreams rarely become real.

Emma's parents didn't take the news of her pregnancy at all well. They were angry and hurt. They had told her to stay away from Fred. Now see what her sneakiness and stubbornness had caused. She was too young, not even fifteen years old yet. What were they going to do? They had too much to deal with, as it was, with running the farm and raising two sons. When the yelling and fighting got nowhere, they stopped talking about it all together. To Emma, it appeared that they had turned hard hearted and cold. But, in reality they had shut down emotionally, just for a while, trying to ignore the situation.

Ultimately, as Emma's pregnancy became apparent, the environment at home became unbearable, and her personality changed. Her heart hardened even more, and she vowed to make it on her own. She knew she wanted her baby, and if her mother and father weren't going to be there for her, she would do it all on her own. According to her, she was abandoned in her time of need, and no one loved her anymore.

She spent hours trying to figure a way out of this stifling town, and away from her unfeeling family. She would show them. She didn't need them. She knew she could make it on her own, no matter what.

Then Sadie came to mind, her cousin in Mica, Washington. She hadn't seen her since she was a little girl, but she knew that Sadie was renting a small two-bedroom house with a girl-friend. Both girls worked, and Emma wondered if they would let her live there, if she worked for her room and board. Maybe even stay there after the baby was born.

Emma called Sadie. Sadie didn't like the idea at all, but Emma was able to persuade her, eventually, that she wouldn't be a burden. She would work very hard for them and they wouldn't be sorry. Emma agreed to find another place right away, if it didn't work out for them. Her cousin reluctantly agreed, but Sadie made it clear... once the baby was born, Emma would have to find another place to live.

Emma packed her bags that very night. The next day, she walked into town, closed out her little savings account, bought a ticket for Mica, Washington, and without a word to anyone, boarded the bus and left town.

To her, she was going toward a new future for herself and her baby. But, in reality, she was running away from her home, her family and those who would have protected her.

In Emma's mind, she would always know what needed to be done and she would always do it, no matter what, no matter who it hurt. Emma knew what had to be done and she did it.

Of course, Emma's parents were frantic when she disappeared. The police were called and the whole town turned out to search for her. Days went by, hope faded in finding her. Then, in talking with a family member, Emma's mother found out where her daughter was.

Again, Emma's parents went through the emotional gamut of joy, anger, pain, and frustration. Emma's mother wept with the shame and crushing hurt. How could her daughter walk out of their lives without a word? The trouble it caused. The effort everyone went to for Emma's benefit and it was all so unnecessary. Harold, Emma's dad, just got angry and kept his hurt to himself. He declared that no one was to speak of Emma again.

Secretly, though, Emma's mother tried to reach her daughter and talk to her. Emma answered the phone with a stone heart. She told her mother that she would have nothing to do with her family. She made it apparent that she didn't need them. She knew what needed to be done, and that she would see it through. She had shut the door to her heart when she left, now she locked it. And it would never open again.

Emma was now alone... all alone in the life she had chosen for herself.

Life With Emma

EMMA SPENT THE next four months as a servant, in the small house of her cousin Sadie. She slept on the sofa in the living room with a scant sheet, thin blanket, and old rags stuffed into a pillowcase for her head. She had no privacy, and sleep was denied her until Sadie, and her roommate Joanne, felt like going to bed. On the weekends, that could be very late indeed.

Sadie made it clear, daily, that if she had to spend her hard-earned money feeding Emma and her baby to be, Emma was going to work hard to earn it. And earn it she did, several times over. She was the first to rise, making sure breakfast was ready, the lunches made, and everything was prepared or done according to Sadie or Joanne's desires. Sadie's to-do list was posted on the refrigerator each day, and as the months went by, the list grew. Joanne stood by, watching Emma's situation with amusement, adding to Sadie's list as she saw fit.

Emma cooked, scrubbed, and cleaned until her hands were raw and sore. If anything needed to be done, it was assigned to Emma. Every other Saturday, Sadie or Joanne would drop Emma off at the grocery store to get the shopping done. Neither woman lifted a finger to help the young mother, in any way.

The meager clothes she brought with her were soon too small. Reluctantly, Sadie took Emma to the Goodwill and purchased a couple of old, maternity outfits. Her cousin grumbled and complained for months about what a burden Emma was to her. Emma was never provided with adequate compensation for her work, assisted in any way with her needs, or given the general courtesy a stranger would have had in Sadie's home - not even a kind word.

And yet, Emma was content. She had a roof over her head, some food to eat, and Monday through Friday, while the women where away, the tiny house to herself. She was able to sneak hand lotion for her rough hands and take short soaks in the tub for her aches and pains.

Hoping to stay, she completed the chores each day to the best of her ability. If she worked hard enough for them, wouldn't they want her to stay? She was determined to try.

Otherwise, where could she go? The thought of returning to the farm was never allowed to live. She stepped on that thought with an iron will. She would never go back! Never! The humiliation from her family and friends was unbearable and unforgivable. Her pride wouldn't be broken. There was no going home.

Soon her back ached more often than it didn't, she had a hard time getting up from the sofa or just about anything else she rested on. She hid her suffering, so determined was she to earn a place for herself and the little one to be.

Spring turned into a blazing summer. How different this summer was, without Fred. She missed him and the life they might have had. Everything had changed so much since last year and she had grown so very old inside.

One Saturday, pushing a shopping cart down the aisle, her time came. The store manager tried to call an ambulance, but Emma talked him into calling Sadie instead. With complaints and scolding, Emma was driven to the Valley Hospital to have her baby, alone. Her cousin couldn't be bothered to stay.

Hours went by and Emma experienced pain like she had never known. In agony and exhaustion, her baby girl was born. Emma looked with love and delight at her child, whose cries were letting the world know that she was there.

Emma smiled with pleasure. "What shall I name you little one?" she asked softly. "I know... I'll name you Ann," she whispered as she remembered her maternal grandmother, a kind and tender woman. "Ann is such a beautiful name."

Emma was overjoyed by the sound of her little girl's name... "Ann." She tenderly repeated it again and again as she looked at her beautiful child, rocking her in her arms, so small and in need of her mamma. Emma sighed and knew she would have to find a way to provide for them both now.

The rest of the day was spent sleeping and resting. Like a queen, she was given meals and taken care of. Even a kind word was said now and again. Emma reveled in the respite from her hard work at the house. It had been so long since someone had been kind to her.

A nurse came in, on and off, to help Emma feed her baby. Soon, the day turned into night and before she knew it, it was time for her to return to her cousin's house and the work that awaited her.

On the day of her departure, Sadie called and told Emma be ready and in the lobby by 10:00AM sharp. Emma checked out early and sat down in the lobby with her precious child to wait. Ten o'clock came and went. By one o'clock in the afternoon she was still patiently waiting. She worried, but what could she do? Exhaling sadly, she rocked Ann back and forth. She's such a good baby, Emma thought as she tended to the new person in her life.

Eventually they were picked up and taken back to the small house with the sofa for their only bed. Sadie made it clear she wasn't sympathetic to Emma's plight, now that the baby had come. The din from the child's cries, according to Sadie and Joanne, drove out any desire to have a servant in the house.

Within a few short days, Emma had applied for welfare. Before long, she was renting a broken-down mobile home, in a dingy old park. The social worker assigned to her case provided food stamps and a few scant things for the tiny family. A broken-down mattress was placed on the bedroom floor for the mother and infant. Through the Salvation Army, a few more things were purchased. Good neighbors gave what they could from their meager belongings - an extra plate, mismatched eating utensils, an old lamp.

Again, Emma was content. She had another roof over her head, food, and most of all... she was alone to make her own decisions, now. The difficulties that exist with poverty still remained - heat, clothing, and money to make ends meet were always inadequate. Emma was determined to take care of Ann and make do. After all, what else could she do? She didn't have a high school education, nor possess the skills to find steady employment. Besides, how could she leave Ann? She had no one to care for her little one. Trapped in a financial prison, with no means to get out, she didn't even try.

Ann began walking and talking. At an early age she became conscious of her mother's need to control everyone's life. Her mother did find work once in a while, but the jobs didn't last long. As soon as she started telling everyone what to do, she was jobless again. After all, most employers liked to run their own companies.

Back on welfare they went, and poverty remained. Nothing was ever new. They weren't warm enough in the winter or cool in the summer. There was never enough to eat, and the few clothes they had were mismatched, thread bare and usually the wrong size.

The years flew by, and when Ann was old enough to have friends, her mother's control created a social void that was agonizing. The Spanish Inquisition must have been a picnic compared to her mother's cross-examination of her friends. Emma wanted to know who they were, what they talked about, what they did, and the minute-by-minute, second-by-second accounts of everything that was said or done.

Ann found it easier not to tell her mother about her friends. She kept the few she had at a distance and never brought them home.

Ann also ached for a father, but she observed when a man did take an interest in her mother, it took just a few minutes in Emma's company to see a glazed look creep into his eyes and he soon found an excuse to leave... forever.

Emma's governing nature even extended to TV and movie personalities. She wrote letters to radio stations, politicians, and corporations, doling out "constructive criticism," as she called it. Her correspondence was rarely acknowledged.

Emma drove away everyone who might have been a friend or offered help. She was all alone in life, except for her Ann. And if she didn't have friends, she would make certain that Ann had the right ones.

As the years stacked one on top of another and the hardships remained, Emma still refused to swallow her pride and talk to her parents, let alone seek help from anyone in her family. She was determined to do it all on her own. Unfortunately, most of her family had given up on her and wasn't willing to bridge the gap anymore. The pain, for them, was still fresh, just as if it had happened yesterday. Slowly, Emma's family slipped away, out of her reach through neglect.

Ultimately the old, dilapidated mobile home became so broken down and decrepit, it was hard to believe anyone lived in it or that anyone should.

Before long Ann was attending high school and discovering that boys liked her. They wanted to call her and take her out, but how could she accept? She couldn't bring them in contact with her mother. So, she would say no. Yet, they persisted. The ingenious ones called her on the phone, or found their way to her door.

The minute anyone contacted her, Emma would stand nearby, dancing back and forth, from one foot to the other, trying to get her questions in, even before Ann was done talking.

On her first date, she tried to meet him at the car. But, before he had pulled up next to the trailer, her mother found a way to intervene and the questions started.

Ann snuck out once, and met her date at the entrance to the trailer park. She was ecstatic with this maneuver until she got home and the interrogation began. Ann didn't get to sleep until the early morning hours, and to make matters worse, the boy had turned out to be a jerk.

Now, because of her mother, the old familiar glaze started to develop in the eyes of her dates. They melted away out of Ann's life, avoiding her, whispering behind her back. Before long, she had the reputation of being Attila the Hun's daughter.

Ann gave up dating. It wasn't worth it. But then, Sean Henderson came into her life during her junior year in high school and he turned out to be different.

Ann met Sean at the Mica Community Church, a place she would never have gone to, if it hadn't been for the choir. Ann loved to sing.

Church to Ann was as alien as the moon. Her mother never spoke of religion, any religion... one way or the other. Neither of them had ever set foot inside of a church.

But one pleasant summer day, Ann was bicycling past a small country church, its windows wide open allowing the beautiful music to drift in the open air. Oh, the harmony and the beautiful words. They spoke to her heart. She stopped for a second to listen.

Before long she was sitting under the shade of a large maple tree with her eyes closed, taking it all in. She heard a man talking about grace and something about God and a man named Jesus, whoever he was. What he was talking about seemed so strange to her, but she sat there and listened. More singing floated in the warm summer air, and before she knew it, people were coming out the front doors of the church.

Getting up, Ann was about to mount her bike, when she saw Cindy. Cindy was a cheerleader at her high school, a casual acquaintance. Someone she sat next to in Biology class and said hi to if they passed in the halls, or asked how she was doing, when she didn't know her well enough to really care.

Cindy noticed Ann, waved and walked over to her. Ann found out that day that the church was open to anyone who wanted to come, and she was welcome to join the choir, if she wanted to. The choir practiced at the church every Thursday night at 6:30PM. Cindy even offered to pick her up, if she needed a ride. Ann declined, but told her she would try to come.

Ann desired to join the choir. Wouldn't it be wonderful to sing that wonderful music? But she couldn't accept a ride. Ann no longer allowed anyone to come near her home. Emma never learned how to drive, nor could they afford a car even if she had. No, she didn't want to be obligated to Cindy and expose her classmate to the poverty that she lived in. She was too ashamed of both her life style and her mother.

I can take the bus when I can't ride my bike, she reasoned.

Now... how to ask her mother and get permission to attend? She knew her mother would ask a lot of questions that she didn't know the answers to. But, surely that wouldn't matter. All she knew was that she would be able to sing during practice and on Sunday mornings. I wonder what it'll be like singing in front of people?

Riding down the road on her bike, with the echoes of that music still in her head, she hummed a vague tune, made up from her heart. The closer she got to home, the more her excitement grew, until she could contain it no longer.

Emma's eager daughter flew through the front door of the old trailer and started talking so fast that Emma was silent for the first time in her adult life. She couldn't get a word in, even if she wanted to.

But, as soon as she heard the word "church", Emma's eyes darkened and her face turned to stone. "No church!" Emma yelled. She didn't care why Ann wanted to go. At no time, nowhere, and for any reason was Ann going to start going to a church, any church. Emma would give no explanation why. The door was closed on the subject and the conversation terminated.

Ann didn't know it had invoked sad recollections of her mother's past. Memories of her old life on the farm, her family, and the rejections she'd suffered with the tyrannical system of morality they lived by, brought fresh wounds to her heart. At least, that's how Emma saw it. Consequently, Ann's pleas and petitions fell against the stone wall of her mother's heart and died.

But, the desire in Ann's heart to sing in the choir was strong, so strong that she couldn't take no for an answer, this time. She was determined to stand up to her strong-willed mother for the first time in her life. A gate had opened in Ann's heart, and she didn't want to stop the flood of desire that flowed there.

Besides, Cindy and Michelle, cheerleaders at her high school, attended that church. Ann fantasized about becoming a cheerleader someday, and if she could get close to the girls, maybe they would help her get accepted onto the squad. The cheerleaders seemed to be so happy and popular.

Ann begged at first, but that just made her mother angry. When she realized that her mother wasn't going to give way, Ann became sulky and stopped talking to her. A campaign of silence ensued.

Weeks went by and the silence was acute. Emma shouted and scolded, she pleaded and begged her daughter not to be so cruel, but Ann was resolute.

In the end, Emma's stone heart wavered and finally crumbled. Ann was allowed to attend church, reluctantly.

Having her only child shun her was unbearable. Emma had devoted all of her life, time, and love on Ann. She had given up so much to have her child in her life. The thought of Ann not loving her anymore was excruciating. Ann was all she had, the only thing in her life that mattered.

Then the thought, What am I going to do when it's time for Ann to leave home? How am I going to cope without my Ann? That question plagued her for just a few seconds. Then she shook it from her mind, with a smile. Ann will always need me. After all, I know what needs to be done and how to do it? Suddenly another happy thought surfaced. Maybe I can even move in with her!

Quickly, Ann joined the choir, and attended on a regular basis. She made friends easily there and enjoyed the companionship and events offered by the youth group.

To her surprise, she found that for some wonderful reason, her mother wasn't interested in anything to do with church. She didn't want to hear about the religion, theology, activities, or even the people that she met there. Ann basked in the wondrous respite from her mother's constant inquiries. If she did get too inquisitive, Ann would bring the name of Jesus into the answer and her mother would shut down and change the subject. What a sad way to treat the Savior's wonderful name, but Ann was only attending church - she hadn't met Him for real yet.

Sean Henderson and his family had attended the little church all of his life. He was handsome by some accounts, and very popular with everyone. He knew how to turn on the charm with women of any age. He was active in choir and played soccer with the youth group. He liked Ann the first time he saw her and made sure he stood as close to her as he could in choir practice and during the church service.

Ann received his attentions shyly at first. As expected, she was apprehensive about how he would react to her mother, if they ever met. She tried to ignore him, but he couldn't be stopped. He was indifferent to her rejections, and continued to chip away at her resolve. It was like talking to a stone wall. He worked hard at getting around any obstacles that got in his way. The more she was determined to keep him out of her life, the more he was determined to be in it. It was a game to him.

Ann soon became irritated. She tried avoiding him, but he would seek her out, smiling and paying special attention to her, turning on his charm.

Once in a while, she caught him flirting with the other girls, when he though she wasn't looking. She soon realized how shallow and selfish he was. He was interested in only himself and what he wanted in life.

All the girls in his circle of influence seemed to be oblivious to the flaws in his character, flocking around him as if he were a rock star, including Cindy and Michelle. They were jealous of Ann, at first, until they realized she really didn't want him around. They couldn't believe that Ann wasn't interested in the richest, most popular boy in the county.

Once Cindy realized Ann really wasn't interested in Sean, they became friends. That fall, with Cindy's help, Ann tried out for the cheerleading squad and was accepted onto the team, the inner circle of the most popular girls in school.

Ann was beautiful at seventeen and now her reputation centered on the group she belonged to at school and not the mother she had.

Despite her continued disinterest in Sean, he found out Ann's phone number and where she lived through Michelle. He was unwavering in his determination to win her over. He showed up at her front door, one day, with gifts of flowers and a few small things he thought she would like. Angered at his persistence she told him "No thank you!" and shut the door on his face.

What's it going to take to get rid of him? she wondered.

Undeterred, he started showing up when he knew Ann wasn't home and making Emma feel special. It had been a lifetime since anyone had made her feel special. She longed for it, eating it up like a hungry stray.

He soon was coming over to help out with odd jobs that Emma needed to have done. He was the first person immune to her inquisitions. It rolled off his back like water off a rock. He was such a charmer that Emma soon accepted him into their little family circle, ignoring Ann's pleas and concerns.

Emma longed for his visits. She knew Ann couldn't possibly object to someone as special as Sean, once she got to know him. Emma knew what was best for her daughter. Before long, Emma was throwing Ann into Sean's arms. Ann was so embarrassed.

Ann tried to keep up her resolve, but she got weary. Oh, how she wanted to get out of this dump, the poverty, the want, and away from her domineering mother.

Sean had a good job in his father's business and had just inherited quite a bit of wealth of his own. As he persisted, he was able to wear Ann down to the point where she started to believe that he really might love her.

Once she started down that path, to dream about a life away from her mother, she was doomed. She saw in Sean things that didn't exist and dreamed of a life that could never be. Her emotional images of Sean and the reality of their relationship didn't match at all.

Nevertheless, in June of her senior year, Ann graduated from high school and married Sean Henderson. Nine years later, her marriage was over.

Once they married, Sean lost the excitement of pursuit and Ann diminished in his eyes. In fact, he ignored her for the most part, even when she went to work for him at his office. After all, she was there when he wanted her, if he wanted her.

Eventually, Ann became pregnant, and he started working late at night. At least that's where he told her he was. He dropped her off at the house, after work, and would be gone for hours.

Years went by and Ann grew accustomed to his lack of interest in her. It hurt, but she threw herself into her work, raising the children and keeping a pleasant home. After all, this was her only experience with marriage. How was she to know it wasn't supposed to be like this?

Then, one cold, crisp Sunday, when Marty was three and Matthew was a few months old, she was standing in the lobby of their modest country church, waiting for Sean. As she stood there with Matthew in her arms and Marty holding onto the edge of her coat, she noticed that her husband was paying special attention to Cindy. He didn't hide his affection for her friend at all well. She watched Cindy returning his affection. They looked like newlyweds instead of friends. Ann's heart broke.

Sean made light of it when she talked to him later. He implied that she was foolish and stupid to think such things, but she could see no concern or remorse in his eyes. She knew something was wrong, but kept silent and waited.

As time went by, the small church community started whispering about Sean and Cindy. Ann was mortified, angry, and hurt. She tried to talk to Cindy, but her friend had grown cold and distant. She no longer returned her phone calls, and she avoided talking to her in church.

Sean started to stay away nights, on and off. And when he did come home, he would go downstairs to his "men's den" in the basement where he lived and slept.

During the yelling and crying that went on when he was home, Ann found out that her husband and her best friend were having an affair. Sean claimed that they were in love.

"What kind of love is that?" she yelled.

Then and there, to let her know where she stood in his eyes, he admitted to having multiple affairs with other women during their marriage. He wouldn't tell her how many, but what did that matter? One was too many for a marriage to survive.

In the end, Sean moved in with Cindy and abandoned his family.

When Pastor Henry became aware of the talk about Sean and Cindy, he asked Ann if she needed any help. But she wanted to keep her life private, as much as she could, so she declined.

Pastor Henry tried to talk to Sean and Cindy by himself, but they weren't interested in anything he had to say.

A week later, after a lot of prayer and discussion among the elders of the church, Pastor Henry and the elders went back to talk to both Sean and Cindy. They tried to get them to reconsider the path they were on. Pastor Henry talked about the families and friends they were hurting. They were told the church couldn't endorse their behavior. It wasn't good spiritually for anyone at the church.

Both refused to end their affair. Pastor Henry told them that as much as it broke his heart, they wouldn't be welcome at the Mica Community Church as long as they continued living against the principles that God had set down for his people to live by. He was sorry, but he had to think about the families he loved and cared for. He told Sean and Cindy that they had been considered part of that family, but as long as both of them refused to stop their relationship, he had no choice but to protect the rest of the church body and not allow them to attend any longer.

Sean and Cindy weren't moved. They could care less.

A couple of days later Pastor Henry stopped by the house on the lake to talk to Ann. He could see that she had been crying, looking drawn and weary. He gently asked if he could talk to her. As he was welcomed into the house, he sat down and explained why he had come.

He told Ann about the Christian principles their church lived by and why he had talked to Sean and Cindy. He wanted Ann to understand how important it was that their church place God's principles and teachings above everything else in this life. He referred to the Scripture in 1 Corinthians 5, which talks about not allowing a member of the church who is involved in sexual immorality, greed, idolatry, slander, drunkenness, or swindling to continue in the church.

These are the only things God asks us to address in this way, he told her. After all, when a marriage dies with unfaithfulness, only God can truly heal it. And if a member harms the church in this way, they must be separated from it until God can heal them.

In prayer and trepidation the elders met and tried to convince Sean and Cindy to stop what they were doing.

If God will not compromise His character, then we can't either, as His followers. There was no room for false pride, fear of what others might think, or even the desire not to hurt someone... God must be first in our lives. His principles must stand tall and untarnished.

Ann was not sure she understood, but she tried. She nodded while she listened to him, astonished in her heart that Pastor Henry and the elders would go to such lengths to protect the families and children at their little church.

Then he shocked Ann, telling her that he would have to explain from the pulpit Sunday, about Sean and Cindy, and why they were being excommunicated. He promised to use as few details as possible, but the congregation needed to know that their leaders were serious in upholding the laws of God and His teachings.

Ann was mortified. How could she live down the public humiliation of what Sean and Cindy were doing? To bring it all out in the open!

She knew that divorce was coming - how could it not?

She pleaded with Pastor Henry, asking him if there wasn't another way to handle it. The more they talked it over, however, the more she realized it was the right thing to do. After all, the people she cared about already knew about it, and Pastor Henry needed to bring the facts out in the open, avoiding gossip and harm to the church.

She asked him if Sean's family knew about Sunday. He had just come from there, he informed her.

Sunday - how could she ever go to church again?

But she did. She wanted to hear what would be said and somehow found the courage to go. After all, this wasn't her fault, was it? Her friends were standing by her and she couldn't leave the church and go somewhere else, could she? That would only add to the emptiness her husband had begun. No, the fellowship and friendships at church were precious to her.

That Sunday, Pastor Henry, with the elders standing behind him, told the church what had happened. Why Sean and Cindy weren't allowed in the church anymore and how Pastor Henry regretted their decision to stay together. He talked about God's love and the principles the church must live by if Christianity was to survive in this world.

He talked of forgiveness, when it was honestly asked for, and the hope they could cherish in their returning to God, someday.

Later, Pastor Henry offered his council to Ann again and this time she accepted. His wife, Tiffany, was always right beside him. Ann saw the power of God in them and what a real Christian marriage should be like. She would cry, sob and get angry at her situation. Then they would council and love her. They gave her biblical principles to live by, and they saw to it that others would step in to help whenever the need arose.

Ann soon came to admire the Christian faith of Pastor Henry and Tiffany. She began to live by the principles she was being taught and found healing and strength in doing so.

One night, about two months after her divorce, she was having coffee with Pastor Henry and Tiffany in their home.

She confessed she would really love to have the faith they showed, day after day.

Pastor Henry asked her if she believed that Jesus was God's gift to mankind. That His love was the most precious gift anyone could receive.

She said she did, but felt so unworthy.

Pastor Henry told her that she only had to believe Jesus had died for that unworthiness. That He had taken her sins on himself for her benefit. He asked if she believed that.

Deep in Ann's heart she knew it was true. She opened her heart wide and allowed the truth to take root. She acknowledged it out loud and for the first time in her life, Jesus become real to her. She felt His presence, knew in her heart that Jesus was alive and well, wanting to know her more. Jesus was no longer a word she used to keep her mother at bay.

Ann wanted to know all about Him. She was hungry for Him. What a funny thing to be, hungry for Jesus, but that was how it felt.

* * * *

Several years went by as Ann made a life for herself and her children. The life she had dreamed of with Sean was not to be. In reality, she had married someone who had never been a friend, or really loved her, for a man should love his wife, as Christ loves the church. This was one of the new Christian principles she had learned.

If she ever married again, she would find a Christian man she could be friends with. Someone who enjoyed the same things she did. A man, who enjoyed her, was interested in her, and what she thought. He would desire to see that the best things in life happen to her and would strive to see that they did. And most of all, someone who would get on his knees and pray with her when they needed help, who had the same faith she did in the love and devotion of her Savior, Jesus Christ.

Then one day, God took Ann to the curtain of light, a place of uncertainty, wonder and need. What was He trying to tell her? What was His purpose?

Quest To Know

A NEW DAY emerged, from a dreamless night. Ann opened her eyes to the sun rising gently and brilliantly into the morning sky. She was elated that she hadn't returned to the vivid dream of the night before. She still wondered what she was like inside, if God found her wanting. But, she let the thought dissolve into the gentle atmosphere of the summer day dawning outside her window. She closed her eyes, allowed her body to relax, and felt the warmth of the sun spilling onto her bed.

When she wasn't called to work, Saturday was her favorite day of the week. Ann chose to do nothing on those days. No job, no work, no responsibilities. Monday through Friday, she worked hard to provide for her small family. Sunday was church and getting ready for the work week. But, when she could, she loved to set aside a Saturday, just for herself. This was one such day. It was her day. She felt happy to be alive in her safe, cozy little room. She closed her eyes and rested.

Around ten o'clock a small, soft breeze moved her curtains, stirring her back to life. Jumping out of bed, she headed for the shower.

Marty and Matt were playing quietly in the living room, watching Cartoon Network. Marty knew her mother liked to sleep in on Saturdays, when she could. It was important that Mommy be able to sleep and get up happy. It really upset her when her mother was sad.

All the tears and crying from her mother when her daddy went away broke Marty's heart. Marty remembered crying too, especially at night when she was alone in her room. She didn't understand why her daddy wasn't around anymore. He just left and didn't come back. He never came to see them. She missed him. Not having a daddy left a hole in her heart which hurt every time she thought about him.

Now Mommy needed her to be a big girl, to help out around the house, and to be brave. It was a big burden for such a little girl, but Marty would do her best. She had to be a good... so her mommy wouldn't go away too. Marty tried not to be afraid, but sometimes she was. And when she was afraid, she wanted her daddy, but he was never there.

Ann came out of the bathroom, wrapped in her robe, a towel around her wet hair, and went over to the open window. Keeling down, she put her chin on her arms as she rested on the window sill. Closing her eyes, she let the cool summer breeze blow softly across her face. It felt good to be alive and loved by God. She breathed deeply of the fresh air and gave a contented sigh.

She wanted to do something special today, but what? A picnic, she thought with a thrill. What a great idea. It'll be such fun! She could hardly wait to tell the children.

With a light step in her heart, she dressed in her Bermuda shorts, a cotton blouse, and quickly went to find the children.

"Good morning," Ann said as she entered the living room.

"Mommy, Mommy," squeaked Matt as he ran and jumped into Ann's outstretched arms.

"And how is my little man this morning?" Ann asked, kissing him all over his little face. "What are you watching this morning?"

"Bugs Bunny," answered Marty with a big smile.

"How would you like to go on a picnic today?" Ann asked with excitement in her voice.

"Yowwee!" and "Yes, yes, yes!" was heard from the bouncing bundles of joy.

"How about Lakeside Park?" she asked the children. With their affirming voices ringing in her ears, she told them. "Well, get your jammies off and change into something for the beach."

With a great deal of giggling and chattering, the children ran into the bathroom. Ann followed to help Matt brush his teeth, wash his face, and change into his clothes.

As soon as Marty was done, she ran to the kitchen and went to the closet for the picnic basket.

"Mommy, where's the picnic basket?" Marty yelled in confusion when she couldn't find it. It was usually jammed into the bottom of the closet among a lot of other things. But, this morning the closet was clean and organized.

What was Mommy doing last night? she wondered.

"I put it out in the storage shed, sweetie," Ann said as she entered the kitchen with Matt. "What kind of sandwiches would you like to take on the picnic?"

"Can we have chicken and corn on the cob?" Marty asked with her head cocked to one side, her large green eyes looking just like a little puppy asking for a treat.

"Chicken, chicken," echoed Matt, dancing around the kitchen table.

Ann thought for a second. With a warm smile she replied, "Okay. Let's go to Auntie B's Country Chicken and pick up what we need. I think I can afford it this week."

"Yowwee!" and "Yippee!" was heard all the way to the car as Ann picked up her purse, car keys, locked up and almost leaped down the stairs after the children, her heart so light and happy.

They arrived at the beach in the early afternoon, the sun hot, and the water looking lovely and inviting as it lapped gently in small waves on the sandy shore. Ann parked in a shady spot, took out the wonderful smelling food from the car, and strolled across the lawn to a vacant picnic table overlooking the lake.

Under the shade of a large maple tree, the old table, dusty and littered with leaves, was quickly cleaned off. Placing the bags of food on the wooden surface, the children quickly found their seats, while Ann served up the food, being sure to supply plenty of napkins.

Swinging his little legs back and forth, Matt sat on the old bench chattering away with a mouthful of food, pointing to the ducks pecking at the lawn one minute, or squealing with delight watching a black and white Border collie chase a Frisbee. Marty talked of school and her friend Maggie.

Ann soaked up the joy of the moment, enjoying the company of her two most brilliant and wonderful children.

Soon lunch was over and the children were eager to get into the water and play.

"We'll have to wait about a half hour before we can go in," Ann informed them, not wanting to take any chances going into the water so soon after eating.

Both children whimpered and begged.

"I know, let's wade in the water along the beach for a while. We can come back and swim in the roped-off area later," Ann suggested.

"'K...," Marty and Matt echoed each other.

Packing away the food, organizing her things at the end of the table, she left her book and beach blanket on top of the wooden structure, proclaiming that space was still in use.

The children ran to the water's edge, with Ann close behind. The small group turned and waded along the shoreline to their right, joyously splashing in and out of the water. The children picked up pretty stones here and there, with some of them getting tossed back into the water in the children's attempt to skip stones.

Ann enjoyed watching her children at play. The day was bright, hot, and just right for making good memories, memories she would keep in her heart for as long as she wanted them.

The fine dark brown sand, wet and squishy, oozed between their toes, as they walked along the beach, leaving footprints behind. Large pieces of driftwood, along with a few large boulders, visually flowed along their own shoreline a few hundred yards away from the water's edge. Behind this rugged shoreline, a lush, green park lawn rose to meet the cool, dark forest, filled with tall, pine trees, sprinkled throughout with alders and maples. The forest rose high into the bluffs, and among the cliffs.

It's so beautiful. What a magnificent God we have. Nothing he makes ever looks bad. His colors never clash and nothing is created the same way twice. A deep sense of love and contentment embraced her.

Ann strolled along in the water feeling its coolness refresh her hot feet. Once in a while she kicked up a spray of water into the hot summer air, enjoying the sparkling liquid light as it fell back into its home, the children, animated and happy, playing ahead of her.

Rounding the corner where a bit of land jutted out into the water, Ann heard someone call her name.

"Ann? Ann Wesley, is that you?" spoke a beautiful woman from her table under a grove of trees.

Ann turned to look and thought she recognized her, but wasn't sure.

"Yes, I'm Ann Wesley, though I go by Ann Henderson now," Ann replied.

"Oh, I thought that might be you," the woman responded. "I recognized you from the home studies my husband held, years ago."

Ann's face brightened as she realized it was Mrs. Tennyson. She smiled at the memories flooding in. She recalled the happiness she felt at her teacher's concern for her, the games they played after the study hour, and the laughter she experienced with her fellow students in play. These were some of the few good memories she had of her high school years.

"How nice to see you again Mrs. Tennyson," Ann replied with a great smile. "I just loved coming to your home on those study nights," she told her. "It was so much fun."

Ann couldn't help remembering that vivid dream and what had happened to Mr. Tennyson. A prickle of fear walked up her spine. She shook her head to clear the memory, shoving the image aside, and thought with irritation, When will this dream stop haunting me?

With a sigh, she started up the slight incline, with the children in tow.

"Please call me Beth," Mrs. Tennyson said, as Ann walked up to the table.

Ann introduced her children. "This is my little girl, Marty, and my son, Matthew, though we call him Matt most of the time," Ann told Beth with a warm smile.

"How do you do," Beth responded sweetly.

"Would you like to sit and talk awhile?" Beth asked Ann.

Ann could see a longing and sadness in Beth's eyes that compelled her to stay.

"Sure, if we aren't interrupting anything," Ann replied.

"No, not at all, I would love the company," Beth said sincerely.

"Mommy, kin Matt and me go play in the water?" asked Marty.

"Sure, but stay in sight and don't go above your waist, okay? And you be sure to watch Matt. Make sure he stays out of trouble," Ann told her daughter.

"'K," Marty and Matt echoed each other as they raced to the water's edge.

Ann walked around the table and asked Beth if she could sit beside her, so she could watch the children better.

Beth welcomed her with a gentle wave of her hand to a seat beside her.

Sitting in the shade of the trees, the women conversed together on that warm summer day, watching the children play.

But, if someone had been watching Ann's face as the time wore on, they would have seen the happiness slowly drain from her face. They would have seen a deep sadness take its place. Suddenly Ann told Beth she had to go.

"I think I'd better get the children home and into the bathtub," she told Beth. "They've been in the sun too long and we need to get back to our picnic table."

She stood up with a look of concern, but it wasn't for the children, it was for Beth. Beth had been sharing things with Ann that was breaking her heart. She couldn't absorb anymore. She wanted to go home and think over what she had learned.

With a troubled heart, Ann turned to Beth to say good-bye.

"It's been so nice seeing you again. I hope we can get together sometime soon," Ann offered Beth.

"I've enjoyed our talk," Beth answered. "Thank you so much for listening to me, though I don't know why I've told you so much. Maybe it's because you have such a kind face, and you knew me in happier times. But, please don't tell anyone else. I just want the pain to go away and to get on with my life," she begged Ann.

Ann leaned over and gave Beth a big hug, one from her heart.

"I know how you feel a little, with my own experience of divorce. But what's helped me the most is finding God in the midst of it. It's brought a lot of healing." Ann told Beth gently. "I can't tell you how wonderful it is to know the love of such a wonderful God."

Beth's face darkened as she gave a weak smile.

Ann could tell by her demeanor that she didn't want to hear anymore "religious talk," as her mother would have called it. So she just added, "Please call me anytime you want to talk. I'd love to hear from you again. We did share some good times together, didn't we?" Ann offered.

Beth eyes brightened and she gave a sincere smile. "I'd love to talk again, if you don't mind. Can I call you next week?" asked Beth.

"Anytime," Ann said warmly as she called to her little ones.

Marty and Matt came running, all wet and sandy, as huge grins and giggles emanated from their little bodies.

Avoiding the shore, they took a shortcut through a wooded trail, across the park lawn and back to their picnic table.

The children expressed their disappointment when they learned they would be going home, instead of swimming in the lake. However, the whining and protests soon turned into eagerness when their mother offered to stop for ice cream cones on the way home. Bribery is such a wonderful idea, on special occasions, she thought with a large smile.

Late that afternoon, with the remains of their ice cream cones in their hands, the children ran up the steps to their apartment. Ann opened all the windows and doors, turning the ceiling fans on to get the air moving in the hot rooms.

After getting the children cleaned up, the clothes in the washer, and dinner done, Ann sat the children in front of the TV and started a movie for them.

Going over to the kitchen table, she sat down by the small window, where a random breeze softly blew. Looking out onto a small patch of lawn, she was soon lost in thought, ignoring the cars driving by, or the people walking under the shade of a few scant trees along the sidewalk. As the sun dipped behind her building, casting its long shadow over the street onto the buildings on the other side, she thought about what Beth had told her that day.

So much of it was pain and hurt from a man Ann thought she knew, but clearly didn't. Most everyone thought of Mr. Tennyson as a good man, even Beth said he was in every way, but one. It was his hidden secret that had destroyed their marriage. Only a few friends and family know about it. He loved pornography.

Beth said he could never get enough of it. Eventually it had made her feel ugly and unwanted. Beautiful, lovely Beth Tennyson was unable to compete with that ugly world her husband had chosen, and now they were no longer married. They had gone their separate ways.

Beth had to leave the man she loved because he wasn't satisfied with the woman he had vowed to love and cherish for the rest of his life.

Ann hurt for Beth. She thought about the type of men they had married... different, but the same in many ways.

They are both selfish. That's for sure, she reasoned. What a horrible waste. Why do things have to turn out the way they do? It isn't fair, but I guess in this world a lot of things aren't fair. That's how it is when evil creeps into the lives of good people who don't have God to guide them out.

Ann bowed her head, "Dear Lord, thank You for loving me, finding me, and forgiving the weakness in me. Thank you for leading me out of my messy world and showing me how to live a good life by Your standards. And most of all, thank You for taking care of us. Please be with Beth now and help her find healing and strength in Your love and the hope You offer in Your Son, Jesus. Amen," she said softly.

Raising her head, she realized that although Mr. Tennyson had appeared to be a good man, he had hidden something very ugly and deadly inside of himself.

That dream! she thought with concern. Could it be real? What does it mean? She shuddered again at the memory of him going through that curtain. Chills ran down her spine at what she remembered, and tears blurred her eyes with dread and sorrow.

Why don't I know what I'm like inside? I mean really know. I don't like what this dream has done to me and the doubts I have about myself. Concern filled her heart.

I need to talk to Pastor Henry, she thought with conviction. I have to tell someone about this dream. Why can't I shake it? Why is it such a living thing in my life? It must mean something, but what? I need to know why it's still haunting me and if I am really all right with God.

Her need to know... had now grown to maturity. It was time to find out. She was determined to find peace, somehow, if possible.

Over the weekend, things seemed to get in the way, obstacles bared her efforts to call, and time slipped away. Before she knew it the weekend was over and she had not called Pastor Henry. On Monday morning, during a lull at work, she made the time.

"Pastor Henry, do you have time for a talk anytime soon?" asked Ann over the phone. "I need to talk to you about a dream I had which is really bothering me."

"Well, I'm running late today with appointments I have, and tomorrow I'll be busy at the hospital. Let me check my appointment book." Silence emanated from the phone for a few moments. "Actually, I don't have time until the end of the week. Will that be okay?" he asked her.

Ann gave a deep sigh and said with a sad voice, "Okay, I guess that'll be all right. What time?"

There was something in Ann's voice that made Pastor Henry stop. Something seemed wrong. A small gentle voice inside, a feeling really, told him this was a little more serious than he thought.

"Ann, would you like to come by after dinner tonight? Tiffany and I would love to see you, and you can share with us what's going on," he offered.

"Pastor, this dream has really frightened me and I really don't know what to make of it. I'm embarrassed to even share it with you, let alone anyone else. I love Tiffany, but can we keep this just between the two of us for now?" Ann pleaded.

"Sure Ann, no problem. How about eight o'clock? We can talk in my study."

"Thank you." she answered with relief. "That'd be great."

"I'll let Tiffany know. This isn't the first time I've had someone in my study after hours. But it's certainly the first time I've done an evening session to discuss a dream!" He laughed gently, trying to make a joke of it.

Ann laughed weakly and said, "I sure hope you can help me. I'm getting worn out thinking of it."

"Anytime, Ann," he offered. "See you tonight."

She hung up, and when Shelly returned to her desk, Ann asked, "Shell, do you have any plans for tonight?"

"Why? Are we going somewhere?" she asked with an expectant grin.

"I'd like to talk with my pastor tonight, if you can watch the kids," Ann explained, trying to keep the concern out of her voice.

"Sure, I'd love to watch them. I don't think Jim and I have anything planned," Shelly said warmly. "But can I help with anything? Do you need to talk?"

"No, that's okay. It's just something I need to discuss with Pastor Henry. It shouldn't take long."

How in the world could she explain to Shelly about the dream? No, it was Pastor Henry or no one.

Later that night, Ann drove the children over to the Fergusons. They lived in Richmond Heights, which boasted moderate-sized homes, large yards, tree-lined streets and wide sidewalks. It was an old, established community -- clean, neat and beautiful.

Driving through the streets, she noticed the warm glow from the windows in the homes she passed and imagined what it would've been like to grow up here, instead of the small, dingy mobile home and the poverty she had known. This was a recurring daydream. She sighed and let the daydream dissipate as she drove up the driveway in a large cul-de-sac, to her best friend's home.

Ann walked the children to the big, brown door at the front of the large, two-story brick home. The children were with the Fergusons so frequently that they were calling them Aunt Shelly and Uncle Jim.

When Shelly answered the door, she greeted them warmly with a large smile and hugs all around. The children darted inside to turn on the TV and give Mr. Fuzzy a hug. Mr. Fuzzy was Shelly and Jim's jet-black Persian cat with enormous yellow eyes. He was gentle and loving, for a cat, and lay on the couch in imperial comfort, purring loudly from the children's attentive affections. Jim came up beside Shelly and gave Ann a warm smile and a gentle hello.

"How are you doing, Ann?" he asked.

"Just fine, thank you," she responded. "Do you have anything special planned for the children?" She asked suspecting he would soon be on the floor playing games with them. She envied the laughter and amusement she knew her children would experience before long.

"Not sure just yet, but we'll find something to do," he teased. "I'll go see how they're doing. Talk to you later." He turned to follow the path the children had taken.

"You have the number of my cell phone, don't you?" asked Ann absentmindedly.

"Of course I do," Shelly said. "Don't worry. Just give me a call if you're going to be late. We can put the children to bed here, if we need to," Shelly responded with some concern, for she could see that Ann was preoccupied.

"I don't think it'll be necessary. At least I hope it won't take that long," Ann said, still thinking of other things. Then she focused on Shelly, gave her a big smile, and a hug as she said good-bye.

I wonder what Pastor Henry will think of me and what he'll make of the dream, she wondered, lost in thought again.

Backing her car out of the driveway, she headed for her pastor's home.

Tiffany greeted her warmly at the door and invited her in. The pastor and his wife made small talk while they entered the kitchen with their guest, offering her a cup of coffee. Shortly, Pastor Henry and Ann left the kitchen for his study.

Night had arrived outside and the study was warm and cozy. The desk lamp light, reflecting off the black window, added a soft glow to the room. The world was shut out now, and the two were left alone to talk and reason together.

Pastor Henry's study was a welcoming place. A large maple desk dominated the middle of the room, with a computer set in the corner and a green-shaded desk lamp illuminating the leather writing surface. Every available wall space, from floor to ceiling, was lined with beautiful bookshelves. These shelves held all kinds of books, large and small, thick and thin. Pastor Henry loved to read. He admitted to Ann that it was a passion, though he tried to keep it in perspective. Ann was glad he liked to read. Maybe in his extensive reading he could come up with some answers for her.

"Well Ann, what's this all about?" her pastor asked, sitting in his leather office chair.

Ann curled up on a small couch across from his desk, holding the coffee cup in her hands, its warmth giving her comfort.

She sat there for a second trying to decide where to start, and finally said, "I had the most vivid dream a while ago. I have never experienced anything like it before. I could feel, taste, and touch things in this dream. It seemed so real..." she said, as her voice faded into silence.

Then, she told him every detail of the dream, from beginning to end, for she couldn't forget any part of it. Of the strange world she'd found herself in, of the cold and fear, of the wondrous living wall of light and the shock of seeing what had happened to Mr. Tennyson and the little girl in the wheelchair, of how genuine it all seemed. She hesitated, and Pastor Henry could tell she was struggling to go on.

"I was so terrified. I couldn't go through that curtain of light!" she finally said. "I don't want to find out what I'm like inside. I feel so ugly and unworthy. I don't like myself at all." she confessed.

Continuing, she explained, "I know Jesus has died to cover my sins, but the truth is, I'm afraid of my failure. The failure I feel day after day to be good, to do good, and to help someone if I can."

"I know I carry anger in my heart toward my mother. And I'm supposed to forgive Sean and not hate him, but how can I, when I'm reminded daily how he has deserted us? My resentment toward him is strong and I hate how he has left me to struggle, taking care of the children alone. They're his children too! Why am I left alone to do it all? How can the guilt and failure I feel be washed away so easily by the sacrifice my Lord gave for me? I don't feel 'good.' I don't feel saved! I don't feel complete at all!" Ann sat with tears streaming down her cheeks as she stared into her coffee cup.

"Ann, do you know what faith is?" Pastor Henry asked.

"Yes, you believe in something you cannot see, touch or feel, but you know it's true."

"Yes, that's part of it. But it's much more. Faith is offered to us by God. It's a gift. And it's up to us to exercise it, so it can become strong. You need to feed it by studying God's Word, and exercise it by putting His principles into practice, which help it to grow."

"Faith is also trust. It will be tested to make it strong. Faith will cleanse your heart of what doesn't belong to God. It will help you find a deeper walk with Him and His Son."

"You also need to read God's Word and learn about Him. The Ten Commandments are a measuring stick of how we are supposed to live, a reflection of God's character. And when we fail to live up to it... it shows us how much we need Christ and why we can't do this alone. Christ is the cornerstone and foundation of the church, Ann, but faith is its mortar. Trust it, use it, learn how you can make it grow in your life, and your doubts about yourself will ease. Someday you will be able to forgive more, love more, trust more, for that is the desire of God, to make us complete in Him through our faith," Pastor Henry said.

He watched Ann taking it all in. "It'll take time, Ann. But, it will bring you great peace and joy," he added. "Does this help you?"

"Some," she said. "It's hard to take it all in."

"Baby steps are good," he added with a big smile. "Take it one step at a time, one day at a time."

"I will," she said. "But that was the strangest dream I have ever had!"

Pastor Henry reflected silently for a second, then asked, "Ann, do you know the difference between a dream and a vision?"

"No, I don't," she replied, surprised.

"I'm not sure myself, but it seems to me that a dream that vivid and with such a powerful, spiritual message could be from God. I think I'd call it a vision and not a dream," he said.

"Really?" she said softly. "Wow. That makes me feel differently about it somehow."

"We'll have to look at it in the light of Scripture. Everything in life should be measured by the Word of God," he concluded.

Their conversation continued, talking warmly and excitedly about the things of God. It lit a desire in Ann to learn more. Soon, she noticed the clock on the wall showed 9:20PM. It was time to let Pastor Henry get some rest, and she needed to go home to think things over. Ann thanked him for all of his help and got up from the couch, preparing to leave.

"Ann, let's pray about this," he offered.

They bowed their heads and Pastor Henry asked God for His love and guidance. He asked that in the coming days and weeks, Ann would have the opportunity to see her faith in action and to see it grow strong and full.

Ann kept all he had said in her heart. She mulled it over in her mind as she drove to pick up the children. She thought about it that night and in the days to come.

Little did she know a test of faith was coming, a test that would break her heart and shake her faith to its core.

Winds Of Change

DAYS PASSED AND weeks went by. Ann gave a lot of thought, during that time, to what she had learned in her pastor's study. She desired the faith he had talked about and to be free of the feelings of being a failure to God. She wanted to KNOW that God loved her. She wanted to KNOW that she could be with Him forever. She wanted the FAITH to know.

As a result, each night before she went to bed, she curled up in her overstuffed chair in the corner of her room, opened her Bible and started to read a chapter, before she prayed. Soon her eyes became heavy, the events of the day stole her energy, and the stress of life put her to sleep. With a jolt, she would wake up, the lamp still on, the Bible fallen to the floor, and her efforts ending in failure. In frustration, she asked God's forgiveness, prayed for her children, and got into bed to finish the night.

Yet day by day, when she awoke, little bits of knowledge were present in her heart that weren't there before. They strengthened her faith, and the little seeds grew as she applied them in her daily life.

As she continued to read, she learned how she could please Him. She tried living by these new principles, but it was hard. Too often she found herself worrying about the things in this life and not thinking of the eternal things she needed to know. Yet, slowly, God opened her eyes and guided her into wisdom and understanding. Ann opened His Word every night, faithfully, with a new resolve to do better. Bit by bit, day by day, baby steps were taken and her faith grew stronger.

During this time, her prayer life took form. Praying was new to her, but as she read the Word of God, she felt a desire to talk to Him, to tell Him of her needs and her sincere wish to please Him.

Soon she was praying for her friends. The fact that she added her mother, and eventually even Sean and Cindy, showed how much God was changing her into one of His children.

She knew she wasn't ready to forgive them yet, but she was willing to try, even when she didn't feel like it, because He had asked her to.

She learned faith wasn't a feeling, but a determination to do and believe in the right things. She came to believe God had her best interests at heart and that he would make everything right, even the bad things that had happened in the past. She exercised the faith He gave her and found freedom in her heart by doing so. Healing from her pain and doubts was close at hand.

As summer came to an end, the dream, or vision as Pastor Henry had called it, became a dim memory. The old patterns of her life continued, except now she was making time for God.

Then, one gray day in September, at her office in Mica, the winds of change stirred, and life as she knew it changed.

Shelly, sitting across from Ann's desk asked, "How do the Colesons like their new cottage at the Crest Haven Golf Course?"

Ann smiled, thinking of the hours she had sat listening to Millie Coleson complain about her husband's excessive golfing.

"According to her, her husband Harold isn't in a hurry to get to heaven. He's found it here on earth with all the golf courses he plays at. She tells me he's there 24/7," she told Shelly with a laugh. "She explained to me that she plans on joining the Ladies' Aide Society to keep busy and then she wants to buy out as many stores as she can, in retaliation for her husband's neglect. I think she's joking, but deep down I imagine she's really lonely. Anyway, I'm glad she has her children and grandchildren to keep her busy."

"How do Marty and Matt like school this year?" Shelly asked.

"Marty really likes her new teacher, Mrs. Arnell," Ann responded. "She tells me her teacher is smart and funny. As soon as she gets home, she's off to the kitchen table to do her homework. She works hard every night."

Ann thought for a second, "Is there something wrong with her? How did I end up with such a great kid? I don't have to nag her about anything. She helps around the house joyfully, and watches Matt like a child twice her age."

"She's special alright," Shelly said with a genuine smile. "I think you're the luckiest person in the world to have such wonderful children," she added, yearning for children of her own.

"And Matthew is growing up so fast. It won't be long before he's in kindergarten. Where does the time go?" Ann wondered.

"Don't ask me," Shelly smiled. "I guess you have to make each day count. You never know when life will turn a corner and something will change."

"I'm sure glad I was able to sell the Colesons' home and find that cottage for them on the golf course. That money should keep us going through the fall. I was getting behind in my bills, so it's nice being caught up. I wonder how long it'll last."

Ann's phone rang on her desk. "Mica Creek Real Estate, Ann speaking..."

"Ann, I need to talk to you," her ex-husband's voice spoke to her, reminding her instantly of the years of neglect.

Ann's heart plunged into her stomach, she hesitated a second before answering. "I don't think we have anything to talk about," she said in a firm voice, "unless it's the money you owe us."

"Ann, I've thought about this a lot and I want Matthew back in my life," he said just as firmly. "I want him to live with me. I think a boy should be with his father. I want to get together with you so we can talk about it and work out the details."

"Where have you been for either of your children?" she responded with some justifiable anger. "You haven't seen them for years. How can you even think about doing this? The court gave me full custody, which you didn't object to, by the way. And I don't think it's good for either child to be arbitrarily jerked around by you."

"Ann, I'm not going to argue with you. You can't offer the children any type of financial security and I can. I'm prepared to take you to court, if I have to," Sean said hotly.

"Your children wouldn't be in the precarious financial state they're in, if you'd been there for them, even a little. You haven't supported them financially, emotionally, or in a way a real father should. You can take me to court until the stars fall out of the sky and the earth comes to an end. I know they'll never award you anything. You haven't been a father to either of them, ever. The answer is no now, and it will be no in the future," Ann said emotionally.

Sean said quietly and coldly, "You don't have the last word on this. I have your mother on my side, and we'll prove you're unfit. I have all the money I need to get this done, Ann. Matthew will be living with me before Christmas, you'll see. You know I always get what I want, don't you." He said cruelly, referring to his courting of her. He knew she would never forget his dominant will, when he wanted something. "This isn't over, Ann."

"Yes it is!" she said hotly as she slammed the phone onto the receiver. She sat shaking, her face turning red, tears brimming in her eyes.

"Ann was that Sean?" asked Shelly in shock.

"Yes!" Ann responded trying not to cry.

"After all this time, what did he say?" Shelly wanted to know, concern in her voice.

"Oh, Shell." Ann said sadly, as a few tears started to slide down her face. "Sean is trying to take Matthew! He said nothing about 'can I see my children' or 'how are they'... just 'give me my son!' He didn't even mention Marty, who misses him so much."

"Ann, I'm so sorry," her friend responded in a miserable voice.

"He's so selfish!" Ann exploded with emotion. Placing her face in her hands, she said, "After all this time, he wants to take Matthew!"

A short silence of mutual hurt rested between them.

Shelly offered, "I wouldn't worry, Ann. The courts made their decision long ago."

"I'm not so sure," she said as she lowered her hands to the desk. "The courts can always change their minds. He can be so determined. And he said he had my mother on his side. What did he mean by that? He wants to prove me an unfit mother, how? Is he going to invent something? I wouldn't put it past him. He has money and pull in this town."

"And the cost, the time, and the trouble this will take out of our lives. The children are used to our little routines and the way we live. We're doing just fine without him! Why does he have to start up with all this garbage again?" she said emotionally.

"Ann..." Shelly tried to calm her.

"Besides, this will never be good for Matthew," Ann continued. "He doesn't even know his father. Sean is a stranger to him. He was a baby when we were abandoned. And if he should be forced to go and live with his dad \-- I couldn't bear it. How can I accept a selfish, egotistical, jerk of a man raising my son?"

Then with shock and tears flowing again, she said hysterically, "What if Matthew grows up to be like his father? Oh, Shell, what am I going to do?"

Shelly got up, walked around her desk, leaned down and placing her arm around her best friend.

She gently said, "Ann, it's going to be okay. It's going to work out alright. You need to calm down or you'll make yourself sick."

"I'll try," Ann said as she stood up, wiping the tears from her face, gathering her coat and purse. "I have to go home. I need to figure out what I'm going to do," she said in a daze.

Then she exclaimed "The Madisons! I need to cancel my appointment with them."

"Ann, let me take the appointment. They're new clients, aren't they? I'll tell them you had a family emergency," Shelly offered.

"Oh, Shelly, thank you. I can't think straight right now." Ann paused for a second to gather her thoughts, then continued. "Here's a list of homes I was going to show them and my notes on what they're looking for," she said with silent tears still falling.

Ann and Shelly hugged.

"If you need anything, anything at all, call me. You know I'll be praying for you." Shelly offered kindly.

"Yes, I know," she replied absentmindedly.

Ann started for the door, then turned to say weakly, through a small smile, "Thank you for being such a good friend and being there for me, Shell."

"You bet... you know I'll always be there for you."

Ann walked out into an overcast, gray day. Opening her car door, she got in behind the steering wheel clutching it for support. Her world seemed to be spinning out of control. Placing her brow on her hands, she prayed, "Oh Lord, please, please don't let this happen. Please protect us, especially the children. Marty will be hurt again and Matthew won't understand. I don't think I can face this again. I can't! Please don't let this happen. Please help us." she begged. Wiping the tears from her eyes, she started the car and drove out of the parking lot.

Driving home, a sudden urge to see Pastor Henry arose. The impulse became a need and it rapidly became imperative to see him. She had to talk to him... now. This couldn't wait. With screeching tires, she turned the car around, heading straight for her pastor's home.

Soft rain started to fall as she drove down the street to his home. She envisioned the angels were crying over the sad events of the day, as the water splattered on the windshield. It comforted her to think that maybe heaven was grieving too.

Her tears fell softly and silently down her cheeks as she entered his driveway and parked the car. She said a prayer that Pastor Henry would be there. As she walked up to the front door, another prayer that he would see her on such short notice. When she rang the doorbell, another prayer went to God for his mercy and his help.

Pastor Henry answered the door. Ann broke down in deep sobs before she could say a thing and placed her head on his shoulder. In shock, he put a comforting arm around her and guided her into his home. He knew something was very wrong.

Tiffany and Pastor Henry dropped everything, concentrating on listening and helping their friend. They listened to her fears, her heartbreak, and her needs. Offering comfort, they gave her sound advice. They told her that she wasn't alone. That the church would be praying for her and they would help if they could. He explained to her that God loved her and the children, that He cared about what happened to them.

A few hours later, they prayed with her, asking God to intervene, to protect Ann and the kids, but most of all... that God's Will would be done.

Ann felt better, a little... like being saved from falling off a mountaintop, but still clinging to the ledge, high above the valley floor.

After driving home, she curled up in her chair in her tiny bedroom and cried, and then she prayed. From exhaustion, worry, and stress, sleep overwhelmed her.

She woke up, a few hours later, just in time to pick up the children. Quickly washing her face, she rushed out to the car. As she drove to pick them up, she decided not to say anything to them. It would only scare and upset them.

Ann picked up Matthew first, then Marty. She tried to smile and make small talk with the children, but she couldn't hide the sadness in her eyes or the look of strain on her face.

Soon she was silent, deep in thought. Marty sensed something was wrong, but sat quietly, watching her mother, not saying a word.

All through dinner and well into the evening, Ann hardly said anything. After dinner, Marty sat in the living room with the TV on, watching her mother in the kitchen, while Matt watched the cartoons. She saw tears on her mother's face and the frightened look in her eyes she had seen before. It was like the time Daddy had gone away, and that scared Marty. She scooted closer to Matt and little tears of her own filled her eyes, sliding silently down her face.

"It's time to get ready for bed," Ann told the children from the kitchen, a little while later.

Marty immediately jumped up, got Matt ready for bed by herself, tucked him in, and then jumped under her own covers, wrapping them around her in a blanketed cocoon.

Ann was so preoccupied with her troubles, that when she came in to kiss them good night, she didn't realized she hadn't helped them to get ready for bed.

Vaguely listened to their prayers, she leaned over to give Marty a kiss good night.

"Mommy?" Marty said very softly, hesitating... "What's wrong?"

Ann looked startled. Focusing on her daughter, she replied. "Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry. Please don't look so worried. I just heard some very sad news today, but it's going to be okay. Everything will work out fine," Ann tried to smile. She bent down, gave her a big kiss on the cheek, and hugged her tight.

"You'll see. Now go to sleep, sweetheart." Ann said, tucking her in, and kissing her goodnight on her forehead. She gently stroked her daughter's hair.

"Me too, Mommy?" asked Matt from his bed.

"You too, little man!" Ann said with exaggerated feeling as she went over to him, gave him a big hug, smothering his face with tons of little kisses, and then pulled the covers up to his chin. Matthew giggled with glee and pretended to be asleep.

Ann's heart swiftly responded to the love from her children, but just as quickly it was stabbed painfully with the thought that she could lose Matthew. Turning off the bedroom light, she glanced at her children longingly and left the door ajar. Every night she allowed the hall light to softly illuminate their room. It made them feel safe. How she wished she had the power to always keep them safe.

Locking up the apartment, she went to her room. Sitting in her soft, overstuffed chair she tried to concentrate on her scripture reading, but it was no use. Everything came back - the conversation with Sean, the fear, and the unfairness of it all.

She remembered Sean's threat about her mother. How could he use her to get Matthew away? She knew her mother to be a controlling and opinionated person, excessively so. She also knew Emma was upset about not being able to see them anymore.

But, to Ann's knowledge, Emma had never told a lie in her life. That's what was so infuriating about her. Emma had an unfaltering belief in her ability to get things done, that she was always right, but she was never contriving about it. Ann believed her mother to be one of the most honest people she had ever known.

Yet, Sean certainly could charm and manipulate her. Could he persuade her there was something wrong with Ann? Had he talked her into something that would bring ruin to them all?

Ann sat there trying to decide what to do. She wanted to call her mother, to ask her. She knew her mother would tell her, especially if she could tell Ann how right she was about something. But, she didn't dare. She hadn't spoken to her for months.

The last time they had talked, she had said a lot of hurtful things to her mother. It had been building up for years. She told her mother that she hated her. That there wasn't any way she would ever be welcome in her life or the life of her children again. She was never to call or come over. Ann didn't need her telling them how to live or what to do. Ann told her that she was totally capable of taking care of her own children and that she was fed up with her mother's critical spirit and interference.

Ann refused to answer the phone when her mother's name showed on caller ID. If Emma called from a different phone, Ann hung up on her.

The last time Ann saw Emma, she had traveled across town by bus, showing up at the apartment. Pounding on the door, her mother called to Ann. She scolded, cried and begged Ann to relent.

But, Ann stood on the other side with tears in her eyes and a heart of stone. She listened to the pleas to be let in, to let her talk to her, to forgive her. But the door never opened.

Finally, Emma realized the door wasn't going to open and that she may have lost the only person in her life that mattered to her. She turned, stunned, with tears in her eyes, walking slowly away.

Emma was lost for the first time in her life. She didn't know what to do. She tried to make amends, but Ann would have nothing to do with it.

Finally, when she realized there was nothing she could do, she stopped trying. Emma had never let her own mother back into her life, why would Ann be any different?

Emma sat in her old trailer, scared and adrift without her daughter. The days ran into months. She stopped writing her critical letters and kept to herself. How could she give out advice when she was so unsure of herself? She sat in the dark trailer and watched TV to avoid the crushing reproaches that surged through her mind and heart about herself. She fell asleep in her recliner during the day and slept fitfully through the night. She was so lonely.

She came to regret what she had done to her own mother, and Emma cried deeply for the first time in many, many years. For the loss of Fred, the loss of her mother and father, the loss of her brothers, and the loss of a life... which could have been very different, if she had been different... if things had been different.

No, Ann thought. I can't talk to my mother. It would open the pain and hurt again. I can't invite her back into our lives. If I open the door just a crack, she'd be all over me again. I'd like to know what Sean has been saying, but talking to mom is out. For now, I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Then her attorney, Mr. Tomlinson, came to mind. She'd have to call him in the morning. But she was reluctant to do it. Once she called, the snowball effect would take place. First the cost, followed by the time, adding the stress of court, and God only knew the outcome.

Her emotions exploded in anger again. The cycle of crying, praying and wrestling with this problem continued, relentlessly. Exhausted, spent, and depressed, Ann fell asleep in her chair.

When she awoke the next morning, stiff and sore, she knew deep in her heart that life as she knew it was never going to be the same again. Change was coming and she didn't know how to stop it.

When she called Mr. Tomlinson, he told her it wasn't necessary for her to come into the office. He assured her that if her ex-husband could find an attorney who would take his case, he would be ready. There was little chance it would ever go to court. After all, Sean had proven himself to be an unfit father.

Somehow, though, that didn't make Ann feel any better. She didn't trust Sean and knew he would find a way if he could. She dreaded what might be coming.

* * * *

A week later, Ann was in her office, when Cindy, the woman who had taken her husband away, walked in. Ann was shocked to see her. She still looked beautiful and hadn't aged at all in the years they had been apart.

"Hello Ann," she said quietly and coldly. "Can I talk to you privately?"

Ann wasn't sure what to say. Here stood the woman who had caused the destruction of her family, though it was really more Sean's fault than hers. But still, she had a hand in its demise.

"Please, Ann. It's about Sean and Matthew," she added cautiously.

Ann's impulse was to tell her to get lost, but the hours she spent praying for this woman, even when she didn't feel like it, helped her see Cindy in a more compassionate light. She didn't trust her any more than she did Sean, but she was curious to see what she had to say. She would listen cautiously.

"All right," Ann said guardedly.

"Can we go somewhere and talk privately?" Cindy asked again.

"There's a coffee shop a few miles away called The Kona Inn. Do you know it?" Ann asked.

"Yes."

"I'll meet you there in ten minutes, if that'll work for you," Ann offered.

"I'll be there. I appreciate your time, Ann," she said coldly. Without another word, she turned and walked out the door.

Ann dreaded going. What was this all about? What was Sean up to now? She said a silent prayer for wisdom and discernment, picked up the phone and dialed Shelly's cell.

"Hi, Shell. You'll never guess in a million years who just walked into the office," Ann said.

"Tom Selleck!" Shelly answered with enthusiasm and a teasing voice.

"Oh, Shell... No! Cindy Evers," Ann said firmly.

"You're kidding! What would she be doing there? What did she want?" Shelly asked with concern.

"She wants to talk about Sean and Matthew. I'm going to meet her at the coffee shop around the corner in about five minutes," Ann replied. "I just wanted to let you know where I'm going, why I'm going, and with whom I'm going to be with."

"You be careful. I don't trust them after what they did to you," Shelly said with apprehension.

"I know, but at least I'll find out what this is all about." Ann replied. "I won't be long, and I'll have my cell phone on."

"Okay. You be sure to call me when you're done," Shelly said.

"You bet... bye for now," Ann said hanging up. Picking up her purse and keys, she walked out to her car.

Cindy was sitting in a quiet booth in the back corner of the coffee shop. As Ann walked up to her, she could perceive hurt and maybe anger in Cindy's eyes, but the rest of her face was like stone.

Ann slid into the seat across from her. Before she could say anything, the waitress walked up, placing two glasses of water on the table.

"Hi, Ann. Do you want your regular?" she asked.

"No, not this time Jenny, just make it a regular cup of coffee, black, okay?"

"Sure, no problem," she turned to Cindy asking, "Can I get you anything?"

"Just a cup of coffee for me as well, with cream and sugar," Cindy answered.

"Two coffees, one with cream and sugar. I'll be right back," and off she went.

"All right, Cindy... I'm here. What's this all about? What does Sean want now?" Ann asked defensively.

"Sean and I haven't been together for over a year now," Cindy said with a dry and dead voice. "He left me for his new secretary. The one who replaced you!" she said bitterly.

Ann sat stunned. Then the surprised look faded as she realized, Why should it be any different with Cindy, than it was with me?

"I'm sorry to hear that Cindy, but Sean has always done what he wanted, when he wanted to, and with no thought for anyone else," Ann replied sadly.

"I know, but I thought I was different. Anyway, that's not why I'm here," she said with a hint of anger.

The waitress walked up to the table, served the coffee, put the creamer down, and walked away.

Cindy continued, "One of my best friends, Marie Alvarez, works for Judge Mathis. I think you know he's a good friend of Sean's father. Anyway, Marie and I had lunch a few days ago, and she told me that Sean is trying to get custody of Matthew. Did you know that?" she asked in a flat voice.

"Yes, Sean called me about a few weeks ago, trying to talk to me about it," Ann stated with the same flat voice.

"Well, Marie overheard an argument in the judge's chambers between the judge and Sean. Sean was shouting something about where were his rights as the father of his son, and that a boy deserved to be with his father. Marie could hear the judge telling him that he didn't think he had a good enough case to go to court. He had fully given up his rights to his children years ago and that he hadn't provided for them in any way during that time. And his instability in personal relationships wasn't helping the situation, either. According to Marie, Sean stood up and pounded his fist on the desk saying, 'I want my son! Are you going to help me find a lawyer or not?' The judge told him he would try, but he wanted to make it clear to him that there was little to no chance at all that the courts would change the terms of his divorce. Sean left the office really angry," Cindy said.

"Why are you telling me this, Cindy?" Ann asked with misgivings.

"Because I don't want Sean to get Matthew!" she said hotly. "He doesn't deserve the boy. He doesn't deserve anything good at all! Both Marie and I think he's an unfit father. He would ruin the child, or dump him if the situation didn't go his way. Either way, it wouldn't be good for Matthew."

Ruin him? What about Marty and me? Ann thought. It wouldn't be good for any of us if Matthew was taken away! But you didn't think of us when you started up with Sean, did you?

But Ann kept those thoughts to herself and simply said, "I appreciate you letting me know, Cindy. I'm sorry your relationship with Sean didn't work out. But, I don't think he's capable of thinking of others."

"He'll pay for what he's done, one way or the other!" Cindy said vehemently. "I gave up so much to be with him. I gave up my friends, my life -- he is such a jerk!" she spat.

"I'm sorry. I really am," was all Ann could say. "Have you thought about coming back to church?"

"What? Are you kidding?" Cindy exclaimed. "How could I, after all that's happened?"

"Cindy, I think you'd be surprised by the forgiveness and understanding that's still in our church. You'd be welcome, if you were truly sorry for what happened. You do have friends there still. I have been praying for you and Sean for years now," Ann told her.

Cindy sat there with a surprised look. Ann could see the conflict on her face. She wanted to believe what Ann was saying, but how could she?

Ann and Cindy sat on opposite sides of the table in reflective silence.

"Do you really think I could?" Cindy asked softly.

"Yes, I do. I think the first thing to do is talk to Pastor Henry. That would be the best place to start," Ann offered.

Cindy gave out a long sigh as the stone look returned to her face. "I'll think about it," she said, and reached for her coat and purse.

Ann asked, "When Sean called, he mentioned that my mother was supporting him in proving me an unfit mother. Do you know anything about that?"

"No, I don't. But I wouldn't put it past him to make something up. He is such a liar," she said in her dead voice again. "Have you talked to your mother?"

"No. Mom and I aren't on speaking terms right now," Ann replied. "I guess I'll have to wait and see what happens."

"Well, Ann, I hope this helps you with Matthew, and I hope Sean gets what's coming to him," she added with fragments of anger still in her voice. "I have to get back to work," she said.

"Thank you Cindy, for letting me know about Sean. My lawyer told me the same thing that Judge Mathis told him, he doesn't have much of a case to take to court. But like you, I don't trust him. I'll be watchful."

* * * *

Soon it was October, the weather turned cold, and Ann placed plastic on the windows of her little home, drawing the curtains tight against the coming winter.

Ann heard nothing more from Sean and it worried her. She knew he wouldn't give up. It wasn't in his character to do so. Something was going to happen, but when? It was like sitting on a bed of needles.

Then, on a cold Friday morning... "Come on, we're late again," she yelled to the children, rushing to get their coats on. She buttoned Matthews coat, helped him on with his gloves and scrunched the wooly hat onto his head. Marty was pulling on her boots, as Ann looked around. "Do you have your homework?" she asked her daughter.

"Yes." Marty replied as she got down on her knees to help Matthew with his boots.

Locking up the apartment, they rushed down the frosty stairs, and piled into the car.

Ann dropped Marty off at school, first.

"Have a great day at school," she told Marty as her daughter climbed out of the car, pulling on her backpack, and closing the car door. Marty waved goodbye and joined her friends walking into the school building.

Ann swung out of the school parking lot, turning west, on her way to Bobbie's Daycare, a wonderful, clean, and safe place for Matthew.

The parking lot was full that morning. Everyone was trying to drop their children off at once. She hated being late. She liked having the time to park and walk Matthew into the daycare herself. But, once in a while, like today, she let him run over the lawn into the building by himself. Getting out of the car, she went to the back and helped him out of his car seat.

"Give me a hug," she said as she unstrapped him. He reached up and wrapped his arms around her hard, grunting with the effort, so eager to give her his love. Helping him out of the car, she gave him his small, brown paper sack with his meager sandwich and apple. She got back into the car and watched him trot over the lawn to the front door.

Hidden among the mothers, daycare workers, and children was Sean. She didn't see him at first, standing there next to the front door, looking official in his dark overcoat and tie.

Ann's heart skipped when she recognized him. It thumped harder still when she realized he shouldn't be there. Swiftly, fear wrapped its icy hands around her heart. She jumped out of her car. In shock, she saw him reach down and grab little Matt hard and with such force it stunned her.

"No!" she yelled. "Stop him, stop him, he has my son!" she screamed.

People stopped talking and the silence was acute. Everything seemed to move in slow motion around her except for Sean. Carrying Matthew, he darted over the lawn and into the parking lot next door. Throwing Matthew into the back seat, he slammed the door shut, jumped into the driver's seat, and sped out of the parking lot.

Ann flew back into her car, found her cell phone, and dialed 911 with trembling hands. Speeding out of the daycare parking lot and onto the street, she tried to follow. Cars honked their horns and tires squealed in protest as the vehicles tried to avoid hitting her. She sped after Sean, unaware of her reckless driving, concentrating hard on not losing sight of his car.

"9-1-1, what is your emergency?" asked the operator in an official tone.

"My ex-husband has just kidnapped my son!" Ann half yelled, sobbing into the phone. She could still see Sean's BMW weaving in and out of traffic.

"Please stay calm, ma'am. Am I speaking to Ann Henderson?" the operator asked, identifying Ann by her caller ID.

"Yes. My ex-husband is Sean Henderson," said Ann, trying to respond.

"Where are you?" the official voice asked.

"I'm on Central Avenue, just passing Mission, heading north toward the freeway. I can see his BMW ahead. Please, please hurry. He's been trying to get custody of my son without success, and I'm afraid of what he might do to him," Ann shouted into the phone, choking on tears.

"We have officers on the way. Can you give me a description of the automobile?" the operator asked.

"It's a silver BMW!" Ann answered with her heart beating irregularly.

"Do you know the license plate number?" the operator continued.

"No, I don't, and I'm not close enough to see it!" she started to sob. Wait. I think it's, yes... I remember now. He has a specialize plate on his car. It says THEONLY1."

She could hear a police siren somewhere. Frantically, she honked her horn, weaving in and round the traffic. Then from somewhere far away she heard another siren joining the pursuit.

Suddenly a police car appeared in front of her, coming from a side street. It slowed just a second, then swung into the traffic with its lights flashing and the siren blaring.

"I see the patrol car!" Ann said excitedly. "I think he sees the car!"

"Please ma'am, pull over now and let the police handle this," said the operator in a firm tone.

"No, no I can't leave my son! Please hurry!" Ann said as she honked her horn and sped after Sean. She was getting stuck in traffic and no one was letting her through.

"Hurry... Hurry!" she said out loud to no one in particular.

Honking her horn again, she drove on the shoulder in desperation and fear. The BMW had accelerated and was rapidly disappearing, with the police car in hot pursuit. Ann was losing sight of them.

Seconds later, rounding the corner near the freeway entrance, she slowed in disbelief. The BMW was crumpled in a massive heap of metal, smoke, and steam, wrapped around a large utility pole.

Her heart stopped... Matthew!

The police car was parked askew, right behind the wreckage. She could see the officer running toward the car. Another police car with its lights flashing swerved across traffic, coming from another direction.

Frantically she pulled into a parking lot nearby, shoved the car in park, flung the door open, and ran to the crumpled mass that had been Sean's car.

"Matthew, Matthew, Mommy's here!" she cried as she ran to her son.

One of the officers looked up and came to stop her from getting any closer. "Ma'am, you have to stay back. The car might catch fire," she said in a firm voice.

"No, no, my son is in there!" Ann sobbed. "Please let me go to him! I need to go to him."

"You can't help him by getting yourself hurt," she said as she took Ann firmly by the arm and guided her away from the scene.

"I'm Officer Kelly Pederson. Let's go over to my patrol car. I'll get you to your son, as soon as I can. Now can you tell me what happened?" she asked.

Ann walked numbly beside the officer, looking back toward the accident, looking for Mathew, looking for hope. With tears streaming down her face, she allowed Officer Pederson to place her in the back seat, leaving the door open.

"The medics are on their way," the officer added. Ann could hear the sirens blaring and screaming in her ears.

A fire truck swung up off the freeway and stopped right beside the mass of broken glass and twisted metal, with an ambulance right behind it. Men in uniform swarmed the car. Some with fire extinguishers, others with massive tools, ripping the car apart, like Ann's heart was being ripped apart.

Officer Pederson sat in the front seat asking questions of the woman in the back. Ann answered to the best of her ability, but she couldn't take her eyes off of the accident. Silent prayers were drifting to God from her heart.

Ann could see a paramedic reaching inside of the car on the driver's side, checking for vital signs. Several had climbed into the back seat, leaning down, working on what must be Matthew. Dear Lord, let him be okay, tears flowed freely in her agony.

"I'll be right back," said the officer as she walked over to Ann's car, locking it up. Returning, she walked past the cruiser and stopped to talk to someone in a fireman's uniform, holding a walkie-talkie. Maybe he was the battalion chief in charge of the accident scene.

Ann placed her face in her hands and sobbed uncontrollably. She prayed softly to herself, "Please, please Lord, not my baby boy. Please save him, please. I will do anything for you," she begged.

Minutes seemed like hours of nothingness, vague and of no value. The only thing she could focus on was Matthew. How was her little boy? Was he okay? When could she see him? Was he in any pain?

When Officer Pederson returned, she informed Ann that her ex-husband was dead. Matthew was still alive. The medics were doing everything they could. Ann closed her eyes in disbelief and pain. How can this be happening? Matthew was just with me a few minutes ago, she thought, her head spinning.

Sitting in the back seat, she listened to the officer's voice making her report to the dispatcher, like a TV program running in a distant room.

Time wore on. Matthew was removed from the crumpled car, put on a stretcher, and placed into the first ambulance. She could see the medics holding an IV high in the air. Jumping out of the car, she went to join him, but again the officer detained her.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Henderson," she said resolutely. "The medics are working very hard on your little boy, and you need to stay out of the way. We'll follow the ambulance when the time comes." Officer Pederson guided the dazed woman back into the car, shutting the door.

"Do you know how badly he's hurt?" she asked softly from the back seat.

"The medics are doing their best, Mrs. Henderson." Then she added grimly, as she started the vehicle. "He didn't have a seat belt on."

On went the aid car's lights and siren, blared out its warning as it swiftly left the scene of death. Turning on her own emergency equipment, Officer Pederson swiftly followed, the lights reflecting in Ann's teary eyes and the sound of the sirens shredding her heart.

Room Of Waiting

THE REST OF the day, for Ann, was like walking in the fog at night. She knew doctors and nurses were talking to her. She made decisions, but what were they?

The emergency room was filled with people of all ages, in various stages of need. Illnesses with fevers, runny noses, coughing, and chests filled with congestion waited for help and medication. Accident victims with broken bones, cuts, abrasion, trauma and pulled muscles, from crushed cars, sport injuries or activities gone wrong, lined the walls. Even an attempted suicide by a 16 year old, whose boyfriend had left her, lay in an emergency room next door. She had taken all the pills she could find in her mother's medication cabinet, trying to end her life.

Voices surrounded Ann, hemming her in and yet she felt isolated, alone as she stood uncertainly in the crowded room.

An emergency room nurse handed her forms to sign for admitting Matthew into emergency surgery. Handing the forms back to the nurse, she looked up to see them working on her son in a small room across the hall.

Oh, how she wanted to be there to hold his hand. Through tear-filled eyes she saw them wheel Matthew away in a cluster of nurses, doctors, and equipment heading swiftly through double doors into the bowels of the building.

A nurse's aide approached her.

"Mrs. Henderson?" he asked.

"Yes," Ann heard her voice answer him from somewhere far away.

"I'm going to take you to the waiting area near the surgery," he said. "Please follow me."

Ann nodded in agreement, following the man down the clean, polished floors, through several doors, and into the elevator that took her to the fifth floor.

Dazed and in some shock, she entered a small waiting room filled with a few couches, chairs, tables, magazines, and nondescript art on the walls. Windows lined the south side, overlooking the city below. Snow-crested mountains loomed in the distance. A few people sat in small clusters, waiting to hear news about someone they cared for, about someone they loved.

Before he left, the nurse's aide informed her that Dr. Mead would speak to her in this room, as soon as he got out of surgery. Ann couldn't remember if he said anything else. She sank into the couch, numbness encasing her body as she closed her eyes for a second.

The image of the accident came sharply into focus. She shook her head to dispel it, trying not to remember. Not yet, not now. She wasn't ready.

Oh, Matthew, my baby boy, my son! She cried out in her soul, as tears filled her eyes. She tried to think of something else, just for a second, just for a brief pause in the chaos that engulfed her. Trembling she thought, Where is my faith, my hope, my trust in God?

Abruptly she thought... Marty! Oh, Marty... I've forgotten all about you! Someone has to pick you up from school today! With tears in her eyes, an ache in her heart, she got her cell phone out and dialed her best friend.

"Hi Ann. What's up? Aren't you coming to work today?" asked Shelly in a joyful voice.

"Oh, Shelly...," sobbed Ann, "Matthew has been in an accident!"

Silence emanated from the phone for a breath or two. "What happened?" she asked with dread in her voice.

"Sean kidnapped Matthew right in front of the daycare center. I couldn't believe my eyes." Ann choked it out in between the sobs. "I just stood there, doing nothing while he grabbed my son and ran to his car. He sped out of the parking lot like a madman, weaving in and out of traffic. I called the police right away and they were able to catch up to him very quickly, but... " Ann's voice broke off in heartbroken sobs as she remembered the crumpled car and her little boy inside. Finally she got hold of herself when she heard Shelly softly calling her name.

"Ann?" Shelly's voice sounded frightened and broken too.

"Sean crashed into a utility pole!" she exclaimed, "They had to cut Matthew out of the car with the 'Jaws of Life'! And I could do nothing but sit there and watch," she sobbed again.

"Is Matthew badly hurt?" Shelly asked with dismay in her voice.

"I'm so scared that he is, Shell. They wouldn't let me ride with him in the ambulance and the police officer told me that he wasn't wearing a seat belt. Oh, why didn't Sean make sure he was safe?" she cried with hysteria bubbling in her voice.

"Didn't they let you see him in the emergency room?" Shelly sounded shattered.

"No, he was rushed into emergency surgery as soon as he got here!" she exclaimed, "He's in the operating room now. And, Shell... Sean's dead." Ann's voice trailed off as she thought again how unreal it all seemed.

"Oh, Ann...," said Shelly painfully, with a small sob in her voice.

"Shell, can you pick up Marty for me from school this afternoon?"

"Of course. Don't worry about her. She can stay with us until you figure out what needs to be done," Shelly offered with an emotional tremor in her voice.

"What am I going to tell Marty?" she asked her friend in anguish and the tears.

Shelly suggested, "When I pick her up, I'll tell her that Matthew got hurt today. That he needed to see a doctor to help make him well, and that you're with him to make sure he's okay. Is that what you want me to tell her?"

"I guess so. She has to know that he's been hurt, but don't tell her too much, will you? I don't know myself his condition and I don't want to scare her. And don't tell her about her daddy. I need to find a way to tell her."

"Ann, don't worry. We'll take care of Marty on this end. I'll work it out, don't worry. Call me later, when you have more news, okay? I'm so, so sorry about Matthew. You know how much we both love him," she added tearfully.

They said their good-byes. Ann pressed the "End" button on her cell phone and flipped it closed with a soft snap.

Closing her eyes, the thought to call Pastor Henry came to her. I need to put this on the prayer chain! Why didn't I think of this before! Oh, Lord, please forgive me. This is all so overwhelming... her thoughts trailed off as she dialed his number.

Pastor Henry answered and soon he and Tiffany were by her side. Ann knew things were talked about and comfort was offered, but it didn't make much difference to her at the time.

Sometime after noon, a doctor came into the waiting room.

"Mrs. Henderson?" he asked, looking around for Matthew's mother.

"I'm here," Ann answered jumping to her feet. "How is he?" she asked trying to keep her emotions in check.

"Mrs. Henderson, I'm Dr. Mead, the head emergency room surgeon," he informed her. "Matthew is still with us, but he's in critical condition, I'm sorry to say," he said firmly but with compassion in his eyes.

"Oh, no," Ann sobbed, her hands flying to her face, tears forming.

"He was admitted into the emergency room surgery with severe head trauma, a broken right arm and leg, and internal bleeding. We have been able to stop the bleeding and have stabilized his arm and leg, but the head trauma is very serious. We're doing everything we can for him. He will be watched around the clock. He's on his way now to the Intensive Care Unit. His vital signs are stable for the moment, but head trauma is very hard to predict or control. Swelling on the brain is the most dangerous thing to deal with in these situations," he told her in his professional voice.

Ann stood silently, tears falling to the floor as she listened to the painful words.

"We'll know more in the next couple of hours," he told her gently. "I'm sorry. I wish I had better news for you."

With an ashen face she asked in a husky voice, "Can I see him?" her eyes begging, tears still falling.

"We'll let you see him as soon as we can, but not for a while yet," he answered. "He's heavily sedated and needs constant observation for now. We'll contact you here, with any updates on his condition. I'm truly sorry, Mrs. Henderson. We're doing our best to help him survive," he said heavily, and then he turned and left the room.

Ann numbly sat down with a heavy thud, tears gently rolling down her face. "Please, Lord, oh please save my little boy," she begged softly to herself.

Her friends prayed with her and tried to comfort her, but she was lost in such a dark hole.

A few hours later, Pastor Henry and Tiffany had to leave. They gave her a big hug and prayed before they left.

Pastor Henry told her, "Don't give up hope, Ann. You know God loves you and Matthew. We all want him to survive and get well. There is always hope that God will grant our petition as long as little Matt is here with us. We must never lose hope in a God that loves us," he offered.

"I know," she said, but her heart wasn't in her words. She wanted her little boy back to the way he was just a few hours ago!

"Someone from church will be here if we can't come," Pastor Henry promised. "We'll keep in touch. I want you to know you aren't alone in this," he said with conviction.

Numbly, Ann knew they had left the waiting room. Sitting down on the couch again, in the corner of the room, she curled up into a ball, holding her legs with her arms and lowered her head to pray. Before long she dozed. The day had been so long, so stressful, and so painful.

Late in the afternoon, Shelly and Jim brought Marty and a few things from the apartment, to the hospital. They found Ann in the room of waiting. That room where everyone waited. Waiting... Oh, how hard it was to wait.

At the sound of Marty's voice, Ann looked up to see her daughter's face. Unfolding and getting up from the couch, she knelt down to hug the little girl who flew into her arms. They both held each other for a while, silent tears streaming down their faces.

"How is Matt doing?" asked the Fergusons together when Ann got to her feet, holding Marty in her arms, sitting on the couch again.

"He has been hurt very badly," she said as Marty listened to every word.

"Is Matt going to be okay?" asked Marty. "Can he come home?"

Ann wanted to say "Yes, of course," but she couldn't. Instead, she answered, "I don't know, honey. He was hurt very badly in the accident. The doctors are doing their best to make him well. I hope and pray he can come home soon."

"Can I go see him?" Marty asked eagerly.

"Not right now, sweetheart. The doctors want to keep him quiet for now and he's resting."

"I'll be good. I'll be very quiet," she begged with large liquid green eyes, so much like her brother's.

"Oh, I know you would, sweetie, but the doctors won't let anyone in to see him, right now." Ann said sorrowfully. "I hope I can see him soon myself, but I have to wait until the doctors tell me I can."

Marty thought for a second, "Okay. Will you give him a hug for me when you see him?" she asked with a sad but brave face.

"You bet I will, sweetheart," her mother replied as she gave her a big, soft hug.

"I don't want him to go away too," Marty whispered softly.

Ann almost didn't hear it. Tears started to reflect in Ann's eyes as she realized how much her daughter had suffered with her daddy going away, and now maybe little Matt too.

She hugged her again, and with her lips in Marty's hair softly responded, "We all want him to stay, sweetheart. We mustn't give up hope."

Shelly sat in the chair watching Ann with her daughter. She wanted to know more about Matthew's condition, what the doctors had said, but she knew Ann didn't want to talk about it in front of Marty. When Ann looked up, their eyes met and Shelly mouthed, "I'll call you later, okay?" Ann nodded agreement.

"Ann, do you need me to do anything? Is there anything I can do at all?" asked Jim with a husky voice. You could see pain in his eyes. Ann ached to make it go away, to somehow make it go away for all of them.

"No, Jim. I can't think of anything right now. But, I'll let you know if I do need something," she told him.

For the next hour or so, Ann sat on the couch with her daughter snuggled in her lap. Shelly and Ann talked of work, of the simple things in life, anything to ease the strain of what they were feeling. Jim sat silently, listening to the two women softly talking, looking for a chance to be of use to either of them if the occasion arose. Ann still looked at the clock on the wall quite often and wondered how Matthew was doing. The time for visiting was coming to an end.

"Do you mind keeping Marty overnight?" she asked them.

"Of course not, Ann," Jim responded with a warm smile. Shelly nodded in agreement. "We have our guest room all made up for her," he replied.

It was time to go. Shelly stood up, along with Jim, as they came to stand beside her.

With Marty still in her lap, Ann looked down at her daughter and softly said, "I want you to go home now with Aunt Shelly and Uncle Jim. They're going to look after you while I stay here with Matthew. We'll see each other tomorrow, okay?"

Marty didn't say a thing, but reached up and hugged her mother hard. She didn't want to leave. She didn't want to be brave. But she would do it, somehow.

"Love you, Mommy," she said as she jumped to the floor.

"Love you, sweetie," her mother responded as she slowly let go of her daughter's hand, the fingertips the last to touch and the arms still stretching out toward each other for a brief second.

Marty joined the Fergusons. Jim and Shelly said good-bye and each gave Ann a fond embrace. Then they were gone.

Ann sat there in the empty room, realizing how much her spirits had been lifted. She appreciated her good friends, but the love she had for her little girl, their time together, had pulled her out of that dark hole a little. She mustn't forget Marty in all of this. Marty needed her as much as Matthew did.

Day turned to night. All was still and quiet. Sitting in the room of waiting, she prayed. She prayed with all of her heart. Ann was now alone in that room, waiting on God for his answers to her prayers.

A nurse appeared, offering her a chance to see Matthew for the first time. Jumping to her feet, Ann followed the nurse into that part of the hospital that fought to save life the most, the ICU. As they walked down the hall on clean, polished floors, she listened to their footsteps echoing along the empty corridor, magnifying the solitude and emptiness starting to take over her heart.

They stopped in front of two large double doors, locked to outsiders, preventing admittance to the critically ill, without permission. The doors opened to the nurse, Ann softly followed down the dimly lit hallway. The atmosphere was dominated by quiet as she passed by each small room, holding a valuable life in the balance. This time of night, the rooms were dark. Soft beeps and whirring sounds drifted to her ears.

As she walked past each room, she prayed for each life struggling to survive in that place. Deep in her heart she knew God would do what was best for them. She trusted him. And yet, when it was your own son, the spiritual can get disconnected from the physical. She couldn't help being afraid, feeling lost and in need of strength to face what was to come.

The nurse stopped in front of Room C-12. "You can stay for a little while. We're making arrangements for you to stay the night nearby," she offered.

Ann stood in the doorway to the room that held Matthew's broken body. She looked at the small child in the bed. A light on the wall softly lit the room. Plaster and bandages encased his bruised and swollen body, as wires and tubes connected him to machinery that strived to monitor his life. How small and fragile he looked.

Squeezing between the wall and machines, she sat in a chair next to his bed. Gently, she reached out her hand to touch his tiny one resting on the sterile white bedding. The nurse said something, but she wasn't sure what, something about being nearby, she thought.

The machines produced a rhythm that reminded her of ticking clocks, marking the passage of time in gentle beeps and clicks.

As long as that sound is here, so is Matthew, she thought profoundly. Sitting next to her son, she fell asleep listening to the cadence of the monitors, holding her son's tiny hand in hers.

With a gentle nudge from the floor nurse, Ann awoke.

"Mrs. Henderson, your room's ready. We need you to leave now. There'll be tests and medications to administer quite often in the hours ahead."

"Please, can't I stay with him?" she asked softly with a breaking heart. "I don't want to leave him."

"I understand, but to be honest you'll be in the way. You can help him best by letting us do our job as quickly and efficiently as possible," replied the nurse gently. "We'll notify you of any changes. The room is just down the hall."

Ann reluctantly got up and looked down at the small three-year-old in his bed. How she wanted to lean down and give him some good night kisses, but she dare not touch his face. Instead, she leaned over, took ahold of his good hand, and kissed it gently and lovingly.

At the door, she stopped to look back at Matthew, said another prayer for her son, and then turned with a heavy heart to follow the nurse.

Across the hall, a few doors down, stood a door marked "Personnel Only." Walking through the door, she noticed a short hall with supplies stored on shelves and locked cupboards on either side. Among the storage on the right, a door opened into a tiny room with a single bed, with a little table and lamp.

"Thank you, nurse," she said softly as the nurse returned to her duties.

This room is probably used for staff or a visiting doctor, she reasoned.

Changing into the nightgown that Shelly brought, she jumped between the cold bed sheets, reached over and turned off the table lamp.

Lying in the blackness of the room, in that foreign place, she thought about how fast life could change.

Why did Sean have to take Matthew like that? she thought as she realized again that Sean could never hurt her again. He was dead, his life over. Now Sean's parents are grieving for their only son. Do they know Matthew was in that car? That he too, was clinging to life? Dear Lord, why? she asked Him.

Ann closed her eyes in grief, praying for God's mercy, for Sean's parents, her own family and especially for her little boy. He was only three-years-old. And most of all she prayed for strength to face the things that lay ahead.

Opening her eyes, she stared into the dark, listening to the nurses talking softly out by the nursing station.

Life is so unpredictable. How do people adjust to this kind of trauma? I'll never get to sleep tonight... she thought, falling into a deep, dreamless slumber.

The Next Day

ANN AWOKE EARLY the next morning, before the sun had risen into the sky. Quickly dressing, she packed her things, and found a washroom to clean up in.

On her way to the nursing station, to find out how Matthew was doing, she became alarmed when she discovered his room empty.

"Where is Matthew Henderson?" she asked a new nurse behind the counter. "He's supposed to be in that room over there. You were supposed to wake me and let me know what's going on! Where is he?" her frightened voice rose in volume.

"Please, ma'am. The little boy in room C-12 is in emergency surgery. They just took him a few moments ago. They're trying to relieve the pressure from his head injury," she replied quickly. "I was coming to get you, when the phone rang. I'm alone here, for now. Please let me finish my notes - it will only take a second - and I'll take you to the waiting room near the surgery. Dr. Phillips is on duty this morning. I'll notify his staff where you are," she continued. "He'll want to see you when he's done."

Ann closed her eyes in misery, collecting herself, nodding her head in agreement. She couldn't say anything more. That little burst of emotion had spent it all. No fear... no pain... no emotion at all. She was completely drained. She felt dead inside.

Numbly following the nurse to the waiting room, which was empty at that hour of the morning, Ann sat on the couch in the corner.

The nurse picked up the hospital phone, talking into it softly, and then returned to Ann. "I was able to contact Dr. Phillips nurse. He will meet you here, when he gets out of surgery."

Once again, Ann was alone in the room of waiting. Restlessly, she went over to the windows overlooking the parking lot far below. On the horizon, she watched the night turn into a cold, gray day.

It looks like snow, she thought, as she rubbed her hands up and down her arms, trying to warm herself from the cold outside. Snowflakes began to drift silently to the earth below. In a while, this dirty, colorful, world will be covered in nothing but pure, white softness. I wish the snow could wipe out all the ugliness in this life, but it's only snow.

Sighing, she returned to the couch. She tried to look at magazines to keep her mind busy. Glancing up at the clock, it seemed to be frozen in time, like the white world outside. She read the words on the page again, but she couldn't concentrate on the articles. Laying her magazine down, she stretched, and walked back to the windows. Staring off into space, she thought of her life with all its twists and turns. Eventually, she sat again and became lost in daydream and prayer.

"How's Matthew doing this morning?" asked Pastor Henry as he entered the room.

"How's my little Ann?" asked Martha with a warm booming voice, following close behind him.

"Oh, Martha... " Ann said standing up and falling into her friend's warm and heartfelt embrace.

Martha's presence in the room buoyed her spirit, for Martha had the strongest faith she had ever known in anyone. Nothing rocked that woman. She always praised God, no matter what the circumstances, and Martha had experienced some awful situations herself.

In her late sixties, silver-haired, with an ample girth and rosy cheeks, she was someone you loved to hug, and cherish as a precious friend, with the biggest heart in the world. Constantly involving herself in the help and care of others, she was one of the pillars of their little community church, and Ann needed some propping up right now.

Unfolding from her friend's hug, she told them that Matthew was back in surgery, the swelling had worsened in the night. She sat back down on the couch, Martha next to her, placing her hand over Ann's.

Dr. Phillips walked into the waiting room, before anyone could say anything more. Walking over to the tiny group with purpose in his steps, Ann jumped to her feet in anticipation.

"Mrs. Henderson?" he asked.

"Yes. How is Matthew?" she asked with her heart fluttering.

"He's out of surgery and back in his room. Your son is holding his own for now," he replied. "But, he's very weak and his body is struggling to survive. We have him in an induced coma to help him rest as much as possible. He is still very critical, Mrs. Henderson. I wish I had better news for you. I'm sorry."

"Can I see him?" Ann asked softly.

"Not for a while. He needs to be monitored very closely for a time," he replied. "The floor nurse on duty, Nancy, will keep you informed as the day progresses. Let the nursing station know where you are, if you leave here," he told her. Tenderly, he offered again, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Henderson," then he turned, and left to help someone else in need.

Pastor Henry and Martha expressed their regrets at Matthew's condition. The whole church community was praying for him, she was told.

Stopping they said a prayer for Ann, Marty, and especially Matthew. They prayed that God would bring healing to his small body. Ann hoped with all of her heart that God would grant the desires of their hearts, especially hers.

"I have to leave for a while, to visit Mr. Avery. You remember him, don't you Ann? His recovering from a stroke, down the hall," Pastor Henry informed her.

"I remember him. How's he doing?" she asked.

"He's frustrated with his paralysis. I won't be long," he said as he left the waiting room.

Martha sat next to Ann, talking with her. They conversed about small things, things of no consequence, small talk to take her mind off of Matthew for a while.

Once Martha found out that Ann hadn't eaten since yesterday morning, she coaxed her into going to the hospital cafeteria. Ann agreed to a cup of coffee and maybe a bagel. It was hard to think about eating.

Ann called and let the nursing station in ICU know where she was going to be.

Walking the polished halls, following the signs, the women noticed the aromas from the cafeteria first, before the cavernous room appeared. Ann's stomach growled in loud, insistent protests to its neglect.

Maybe I can handle a larger meal, she decided.

Sitting at a small round table with their breakfast, they talked about the church family, the issues of serving the community, and Martha's children and grandchildren. Distracted for a while, Ann was able to relax a little, but her son was never far from her heart or thoughts.

Revived, refreshed, with a full stomach, and a new cup of coffee, Ann desired to return to the ICU to see if she could sit with Matthew. Talking comfortably, the two women retraced their steps back upstairs.

Ann led the way to the huge double doors that allowed admittance to the ICU. Using the phone on the wall, she called the nursing station.

Nancy answered the phone.

"This is Ann Henderson, Matthew Henderson's mother. Is it all right if I come in and sit with him for a while?"

"Mrs. Henderson, he's unconscious right now and he wouldn't know you're even here. Why don't you go home and rest for a while. We'll call you if there are any changes," she said gently.

"Please, I just want to be with him. I'll leave anytime you say," Ann begged.

"I see that Dr. Phillips is here, checking on him. Let me ask."

Ann held onto the phone, hoping to be allowed in.

A couple of minutes went by. Then Nancy returned to the phone," Mrs. Henderson?"

"Yes."

"The doctor said he's stable for now. You can stay for a while," she said. "But you will have to leave when you're asked," the nurse informed her.

"Alright, that's no problem. Thank you," Ann replied, relieved, hanging up the phone.

The buzzer on the double doors sounded and Ann opened one of the doors.

"I'll see you tomorrow, Ann," Martha promised. "And don't you lose hope. God is a great healer and he knows what is best for all of us. Just trust Him, okay?" she boomed.

Ann smiled weakly, but she did love this large woman with the big heart. "God bless you Martha," she told her with feeling as they hugged affectionately.

Ann stood holding the solid door open as she watched Martha walk away down the hall, already missing her buoyant spirit and friendship.

Ann walked inside and let the door softly shut. Again, Ann felt so alone, as she walked the hall of the ICU.

This place gave her a sense of transition. Every patient here was either going from this life to the next, back to a life that would be different with disabilities, or for some a complete healing. She wondered which one it would be for Matthew.

She could see him in his bed, ever attached to the monitors. She quietly walked to his bedside and gently touching his arm. It was still warm and soft. He looked so ill... so pale... so fragile.

She bowed her head and talked to God again. Who else could she turn to with any hope? She sat in silence to wait for God to intervene, to answer her prayers, to show that He loved her.

* * * *

On the other side of town, Emma sat in her recliner, rocking back and forth. She didn't know what to do. A feeling of dread stalked her, and she couldn't shake it.

During the evening news, the night before, there had been a report about an accident where the driver was killed and a little boy had been taken to Sacred Heart Hospital in critical condition. They said the driver had abducted the child from a Bobbie's Daycare facility in the valley. Nagging her was the feeling that it was her grandson, but how could it be? His father, Sean, didn't even want his children. He couldn't be involved, could he? Sean did drive a car that color. Had he changed his mind about the children?

What was she going to do? She knew Ann wouldn't speak to her. She had hung up on her so many times before. What if she called the hospital - would they tell her about the little boy who was hurt? She didn't think so, wasn't there a hospital policy about not giving out that kind of information? Still rocking, she couldn't shake the need to find out if Matt was alright.

Maybe I can find something out from the police. They might tell me, she thought. I'll ask them directly if it was Matthew Henderson and tell them that I'm his grandmother. She decided to try. It couldn't hurt to try.

She called the local police station. When the officer answered, she explained her concern. Professionally, the officer listened. He asked her name and address. Then with caller ID and his computer system, he verified her information.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but that is the name we have on file for the little boy who was hurt in last night's accident on Central Avenue and I-90. He's in Sacred Heart Hospital in critical condition."

Emma gasped. She asked softly, "Was the driver Sean Henderson?"

"Yes ma'am. He died at the scene of the accident," he replied. "I'm sorry, ma'am."

Emma thanked the officer and hung up the phone.

She sat silent and still in her chair. Tears started to form in her eyes. First, I lost Ann... and now maybe Matthew. I need to find Ann. I need to talk to her.

Finally, Emma's resolve broke. It had weakened under the strain from the long months of isolation, but now she didn't know what to do, or how to fix it, or even if she should. She knew she had made a mess of her life. The isolation she had been experiencing, the loss of her family, had broken her heart and spirit. No, she didn't want to be in control anymore.

If I need to let Ann make all the decisions to be around her and the children, then I'll do it. I'll stay out of her way and just accept the situation on her terms. I need to find her, explain to her. I need to see my grandson.

She got dressed, looked up the bus schedule to the hospital, and within the hour, Matthew's grandmother had locked up the old trailer and walked to the bus stop.

Standing there waiting, she thought about her life and the mistakes she had made. How wrong she had been to be so obstinate and forceful with all that she said and did. Look where she was now, alone, empty, and wishing it could have turned out differently, somehow.

With trembling hands and aching heart she boarded the bus, sitting in an empty seat next to people she didn't know. The doors on the bus shut with a soft thud and moved out into traffic, transporting her to the hospital. There was no turning back now. She was on her way to her family, to whatever outcome awaited her there. Though she didn't pray, she sent a silent plea to be able to see Ann and her grandson somehow.

* * * *

The loud ringing of the phone beside Matthew's bed startled Ann so much that she grabbed the phone swiftly, sending it flying out of her hands.

"Hello," she whispered, after fumbling to pick it up again. She remembered that Matthew was in an induced coma, he couldn't be disturbed, but she still said quietly again, "Hello."

"Hi Ann, how's Matt doing?" Shelly asked with concern.

"Not good at all, Shell," Ann said feebly. "He was in surgery again this morning to relieve swelling. He's so weak. They have him in an induced coma. I'm so scared, but there is nothing I can do but pray and wait. Wait and pray," Ann said in misery.

"Ann, it's going to be alright. It has to be. Children are so resilient. They bounce back from all kinds of things. Matt is a strong and healthy child. He'll get through this, you wait and see," Shelly offered.

"I hope you're right, I'm praying for just that with all of my heart. At least he's still here," she said with a spark of hope in her heart. They talked a little longer, and then Marty got on the phone.

"How are you doing, sweetie?" her mother asked.

"I miss you, Mommy," was the replied. "Can Matt come home now?"

"I don't think so, sweetheart. But, I'll let you know as soon as he can," she answered gently.

Ann gave as much comfort and love as she could over the phone. They talked for a while, then Ann needed to say good-bye.

"Hugs and kisses over the phone," she told Marty. "I love you very much, and I'll see you tonight, okay?"

When Shelly got back on the phone, she told Ann that she was going to take Marty to see a movie.

"Oh, Shell, that's a great idea. That will keep her mind off of the hospital some. You're the best! You know that, don't you?" Ann said with feeling.

Her friend simply replied, "I'll call you later and let you know when we'll be coming tonight. Give Matt a kiss from us. Love you, Ann, and keep in touch. God bless and bye for now."

Ann sat there for a second, looking over at Matthew, watching his chest rise and fall, softly, steadily. Putting the phone back on the receiver, she got up stiffly. Stretching, she came to a decision and walked over to the nursing station. Finding Nancy there, she asked, "Do you have a chapel in the hospital?"

"Yes, of course, it's on the third floor behind the maternity ward. You can see the directions as you get off the elevator," the nurse informed her.

"Thank you," Ann responded. "Can you reach me there, if there is any change?"

"Yes. I can send someone to get you if we need to, since there's no phone in the chapel."

"Okay. Thank you," said Ann as she turned and walked to the elevators. Suddenly, she needed to find a quiet place to talk with God, a place away from the conversations at the nursing station, the visitors, and noises coming from the machinery. She needed to find a place of solitude and quiet, just for a short while.

As the elevator doors softly opened on the third floor, she stepped out, following the signs to the chapel. Walking down the hall, she passed the double doors leading to the maternity ward. The last time she had been in there, was to give birth to her son. What a time of pain and joy that had been. The miracle of life is so special, how can anyone not believe in God? That spark, that is life, is so sacred. It can't be created by anyone, just manipulated, but never created. Only God could do that.

A feeling of loss came over Ann and she almost ran the rest of the way to the chapel. She wanted so much to talk to God, to plead her heart, to find some answers if she could.

In the corner of the building stood a solitary, unadorned door, so nondescript it could be a door to any room. A little metal sign on the door read in small, plain, etched letters "Chapel." Reaching for the handle, she pushed the door open. It whooshed open silently as she entered, shutting softly behind her. The room was dark and empty. Feeling for the light switch near the door, she soon had a small row of lights illuminating the room. It gave the place a soft, warm, cozy feeling. There were a few pews on the left and right of an aisle dividing the center of the tiny room. Up in front was a plain, wooden table with a red cloth runner draped over either end. On the table lay a large open Bible and a small candle stand. A plain, wooden cross hung on the wall overhead. This was a generic, modest room for the faithful.

Ann walked down the aisle and knelt on a knee rest which was attached to a low wooden wall in front of the first pew. She folded her hands and started talking to God. It comforted her to talk softly out loud to Him. Since no one was there, she talked of her fears, her desires, and her need to know that He loved her.

Downstairs on the street, Emma got off the bus. She had arrived. Standing there, she wondered where to go. A passing intern stopped and directed her to the reception lobby.

As she stood in line for the reception desk, she realized she was waiting for help. Help from somewhere, anywhere, she thought. Help in finding my daughter and maybe the condition of my grandson. Help in finding a way to talk to her, to get her to listen to me for just a second. Emma's heart fluttered while she waited in line.

"Mrs. Henderson is in the hospital chapel," the receptionist informed her, after getting off the phone with the ICU nurse. "Your grandson is stable for now, but he is still listed in critical condition. To find the chapel, take one of those elevators across the room to the third floor, and follow the signs. It's just past the maternity ward." She explained.

Emma listened with tears hiding in the corner of her eyes. Slowly, with dread in her heart and determination springing from the deep desire to see Ann, she went to the elevator and pressed the button for the third floor. The doors quietly closed, lifting her swiftly and delivering her too soon to the floor that led to her daughter. Emma stepped off the elevator with trepidation in her heart and stood in the hall.

She had been here three years before for Matthew's delivery into this world. Now he was somewhere in this building fighting for his life. Emma sighed sadly and followed the directions to the chapel door.

Knowing that Ann was inside that room, she stood outside, struggling to find the nerve to go in. With a trembling hand she softly opened the door and very quietly stepped inside. The door closed silently behind her.

As she stood in the semi-darkness of the room, she could see her daughter was alone in this place, talking softly out loud to someone, but Emma couldn't see who it was. Then she realized Ann was talking to God. She huffed to herself, God, what God? Instantly, she regretted her thought. After all, she hadn't been right about a lot of things. No, she wouldn't discount the existence of God if it meant she could talk to Ann.

As she silently stood there listening to her daughter's heart-felt desires being expressed so openly and honestly, Emma felt very uneasy. Her daughter seemed to talk to God as if He was a real person, someone who was really there and could do something about what was happening to her grandson.

All of a sudden she was afraid. Afraid of what Ann might say and do when she found her standing there. And afraid that there might be a God, a God she didn't know and was scared to know. Emma couldn't decide what to do.

Say something to her, or just turn around and leave forever! she told herself. Hesitating for a few seconds more, her desire to talk to Ann overcame her fear and she said softly in a trembling voice... "Ann?"

Ann knew that voice too well. She closed her eyes and didn't turn around. All at once she was angry that her mother was there. That she would defy her order to stay out of their lives. She couldn't face her right now! She wouldn't face her right now! All this in a fraction of a second, in her heart, like a small explosion of emotion.

Slowly rising, Ann stood up and turned to face her mother. Anger dissolved into shock when she saw her. Gone was the strong, stubborn, controlling force she had known all of her life. Emma looked so small and vulnerable, standing in the back of the room with a look of loss and bewilderment that Ann had never seen before. In the soft light of the chapel, she almost didn't recognize her. Emma looked gaunt and pale, but what stood out the most was the lost puppy look that she had seen too often on the face her own daughter.

Emma pleaded, "Ann, please don't send me away. I won't say a word. I promise. I'll be good. I promise, I'll be good, please," she said with tears in her eyes. "I need to be with you and Matthew," she beseeched.

Ann's heart crumbled and melted. With tears in her eyes, she flew to her mother and wrapped her arms around her, holding her sobbing body. They both cried from the pain of loss and their forced separation.

"Ann, I'm so sorry for hurting you. I didn't realize how scared I've been all these years, until you weren't there anymore. I was so determined to make things happen, no matter what, and now look where I am. I miss you so much. You're my heart, my life. I don't know what to do without you," she sobbed.

"I missed you too," Ann told her, wiping her eyes. "Let's not talk about that right now. We can work this out later."

"How's Matthew?" Emma asked.

"Oh, Mom..." Ann said in a grieving voice as she pointed to a nearby pew. In that little room of the Lord, in the tiny corner of the hospital, mother and daughter sat and talked.

Ann shared all that had been happening in the last couple of months. Emma shared her feeling of loss without Ann. They talked about Matthew and Sean, of how life didn't turn out the way you thought it should.

Emma was also curious about Ann's prayer she had overheard. She asked her daughter about the God she had talked to, and Ann shared her faith with her mother. She shared about God's love and how her faith had grown since she had given her heart to Him. Ann could see her mother taking it in, but she also knew her mother was resistant to any faith. Well, only God can reach her, if she is willing to open her heart. I'll give it time and see what God will do, her daughter decided.

"Can I see Matthew?" Emma eventually asked.

"Let's go up and see." Ann suggested.

Walking down the hall, past the maternity ward, side by side, mother and daughter reached the elevator. Ann was thinking, How wonderful it would be for Mom to know the love of God and for us to be able to share our faith together. But that is not up to me. Give it time.

Emma was discovering, I like this two sided relationship. It's so different from our past. I like sharing with Ann. Whether there's a God or not, I didn't know. But, I'd like some of that peace and faith she has. I'm just afraid to go any further with it. Where would I start? No, not right now. I'll give it some time, and wait and see how this God thing plays out.

Walking up to the ICU phone on the wall, Ann got permission to allow Emma in to see Matthew, though she was told sternly, it could be only for a few minutes. Matthew's vital signs weren't that stable and Ann could hear concerned in Nancy's voice.

Ann's heart started to ache again and her faith trembled with doubt. No, God wouldn't do this to us, she reasoned. Stop it, she chided herself.

Emma walked into the small room, first. She stood next to her grandson's bed, gently touching his hand resting on the sheet.

Softly she said, "I love you, Matthew Benjamin Henderson. You get well soon and come to Grandma's for some cookies, okay?"

Silence came from the normally laughing, energetic little boy. The machines ticked and beeped in the stillness. Emma choked back a sob and turned to face her daughter in the doorway.

"Oh, Ann!" she said in shock and grief. They hugged with tears in their eyes.

Nancy came up behind them. "I'm so sorry, but you'll have to leave now. We need to watch him closely."

"Is he very bad?" asked Ann.

"The doctors are very concerned for him right now," she replied. "We'll have to wait and see. Where will you be, if we need you?" Nancy asked. "Are you going to the waiting room on this floor?"

"No. If it is okay with you, Mom, let's go back to the chapel. I feel closer to God there," Ann stated.

"I don't mind," replied Emma. It didn't matter where she was, as long as she was with Ann. She cringed at the thought of going home to wait, sitting alone in that sad, empty trailer.

They took turns, one at a time, tenderly kissing him good-bye. Emma quickly left the room and stood in the hall, waiting for her daughter.

"We'll be back soon," Ann said softly to the little boy in the bed. She laid a gentle hand on his small shoulder, said another prayer for him, then joined her mother. They walked to the elevators in mutual silence and heartache.

The chapel was still empty. Emma had Ann sit in the front pew, while she offered to sit in the back. She told her daughter it was to give her more privacy, but in truth she wanted to be alone herself. For, deep in her heart Emma was very afraid for Matthew. She had seen death so many times on the farm. It came by disease, accident, or slaughter and Emma had seen death on Matthew's face.

An hour later, Dr. Phillips walked into the chapel, looking for Ann. When she looked up and saw the look in his eyes, she knew something was wrong. Trembling she rose to her feet.

"Please... sit down, Mrs. Henderson," he said gently, as her legs turned to jelly. She sat down hard on the wooden bench.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Henderson, but your son's injuries were so severe. We tried very hard to save him." Ann didn't hear him anymore. His voice was there, but his words dissolved into pain and a black hole opened.

She stood at the precipice, blackness and sprinkling stars bursting in her head. She tried hard not to fall in, not to faint, not to lose the world she was in. She wanted Matthew! She wanted the Lord! "Oh, Lord, help me," she sobbed. "No! No! No! This can't be happening! He can't be gone!" she cried.

"I'm so sorry, Mrs. Henderson," he said sadly as he stood up and left the room quietly.

Ann sobbed into her hands. She couldn't believe he was gone, that she would never see him playing in the house again. He was so young. Now he would never grow up and have children of his own. She would never be able to kiss his little face again.

Emma sat with tears running down her face and onto her folded hands.

Ann and Emma had lost their little boy, the grief ran deep, and Ann struggled to hold on to her faith, to her love of God. It was like swimming in the dark. She could see no way out, but she had to try.

Saying Goodbye

HOW DO YOU survive the loss of a child? Without faith, it can be a dark, black pit of despair. And even with faith, it's hard not to tumble into that pit, at least at first.

Ann didn't understand what she had done wrong, or why the God she loved would answer her prayers this way. She ached inside... deeply...for her son. She missed him, his joy, his vitality, and the love he brought into her life. She missed holding him in her arms, smelling his presence, and missing the ability to kiss him whenever the need arose.

In her pain, it was hard to talk to God. She cried for her departed son, and she strived hard to understand why this had happened.

She knew every day would bring fresh reminders of him. His empty bed, the cloths in the dryer that needed to be put away, his stuffed teddy bear on the sofa, or watching TV without him. He would be missed when meals were prepared, or in not being able to help him get ready for the day. But she would miss giving him kisses the most. The void could not be filled and Ann tried hard to wade through the grief.

Funeral arrangements were made, with the help of Pastor Henry and his wife. Martha and the ladies from church brought over hot meals, offering comfort where they could.

With a shock, she realized that Matthew would no longer be going to daycare. She called and canceled his enrollment. How sad the daycare workers were to hear of Matthew's passing. He will be sorely missed, they told her.

The next day, Pastor Henry came to the little apartment to offer comfort. Ann couldn't stop the feeling of "being betrayed by God" that exploded in her heart. She hurt too much to make it go away.

As he sat down on the couch, she asked him in anguish, "Why would God do this? What have I done to deserve it? I don't understand," she said teary-eyed.

"Ann, I don't know all the answers. I just know that God loves us. He loves us so much that He went to extraordinary efforts to bridge the gap between His holiness and our sins."

"And I know that when we pray for healing, He grants it more often than He denies it. He is a generous God and merciful. We don't always know His will, but I believe with all of my heart that He would never allow anything to hurt us without a good reason," Pastor Henry offered. "There has to be a good reason, Ann, for Him to take Matthew home to be with Him."

"I miss my little boy so much," she sobbed. Her heart breaking, but somehow she knew in time, she would come to accept Pastor Henry's explanation. What else could she do? The alternative was to turn her back on God, and that would be like killing hope, love, and life to embrace death. No, that wasn't an option. She would walk in faith and trust in God. Intentionally she chose to love Him, to believe in Him, and to trust Him.

Baby steps, she thought. I'll take baby steps.

A few days later, she was sitting in her kitchen sipping coffee and looking out the window, dealing with her grief. She was talking to God again and the comfort it gave her was unexpected. She still suffered the loss of her son, but somehow she felt God's love and support surrounding her. She still felt the pain, but she also felt His presence.

Turning to look at her daughter, she noticed Marty sitting in the living room, the TV off and curled into a ball on the couch. Ann was shocked to see her so withdrawn. She knew Marty missed her brother. She had understandably been quiet since his death, but to see her not participating in life anymore, alarmed her.

Setting her coffee cup down, she went over to sit beside her daughter. Ann took Marty into her arms and held her.

"Marty, it's going to be okay," Ann said softly. "Tell me what's wrong."

Marty only shook her head no, back and forth.

"You miss Matthew, don't you?" Ann said into her hair as she hugged her, guessing Marty's pain.

Marty nodded, up and down, tears dripping from her face.

"Please, sweetheart, tell me what you're thinking," Ann asked with concern, for she sensed Marty needed to talk about it.

In reality, Marty was crushed and understood all too well that Matthew was gone, that no matter what, she couldn't play with him anymore or make toast for his breakfast. That her daddy was gone too, forever, only deepened her sorrow.

Marty looked up with tears in her eyes and then lowered her face onto Ann's chest. She mumbled, "First Daddy and now Matthew... "

"I know sweetheart, I know," Ann started to softly cry again.

Mother and daughter held each other for a while. Then Ann said, "I don't know all the answers, Marty, but I do know that Matthew isn't gone forever. He is well and happy in another place, and we'll see him again someday."

"But I want to see him now," said Marty tearfully.

"Oh, so do I, sweetheart, so do I." Ann said holding back a sob. "We must trust God... that this was the best thing for Matthew, and that he is happier where he is," Ann added gently.

Marty raised her head, looked at her mother, and with fear in her face asked, "What if you go away too?" she asked fearfully, as her weeping increased.

Ann gasped... then she reached for Marty's chin, raised her head to look into her eyes, and said, "Marty, I can't promise I'll always be here. I hope I can be. But, we must make each day count. We must make good memories while we have time here in this life. Everyone must die someday, sweetheart, like Matthew and your daddy. That will never change, but we can be as happy as possible with the time we have together, okay?"

Marty looked at her mother with longing in her heart and shrugged her shoulders in uncertainty.

"We have to trust God for what is best. Can you do that?" asked Ann.

Marty shook her head back and forth in a "no" with big round eyes.

Ann laughed gently and gave her a big hug and said, "Okay, then trust me for now, alright?"

Marty nodded her head yes and gave her mother a big hug. A small, weak smile lit her wet face. Ann's heart warmed to see it.

"I think we'll miss Matthew for a very long time," Ann said.

"Forever and ever," said Marty.

"Yes, for a very long time," answered Ann. "But, we are together for now and someday we'll see Matthew again. I believe that with all of my heart sweetheart, okay?"

Marty nodded her head up and down and gave her mother another hug.

"Now, go wash your face, and let's see what's on TV," suggested Ann.

Jumping from the couch, Marty ran to the bathroom. As she watched her daughter leave the room, Ann knew she would have to spend more time with her, to play with her, to try to fill Matthew's place in Marty's life, if she could. Marty mustn't feel abandoned and alone.

It's all going to take time. How much time Ann didn't know, just time. Time... it seems to move so slowly when you want to be healed and out of pain, and then too fast... like my time with Matthew.

That evening, mother and daughter spent a cozy time on the couch, watching a children's movie, a happy movie that had a happy ending.

That night, with a cold wind blowing, and rain washing against the windows of the apartment, Marty crawled into bed with her mother. Ann wrapped her arms around her child, as they snuggled together in comfort and companionship that did them both good.

The next morning, pounding on the front door woke them. Ann swung her feet out of bed, reluctant to leave the warmth of her daughter. Pulling on her robe, slipped her feet into her slippers, she went to see who it was.

"Who is it?" she asked through the front door.

"It's Shell," responded her best friend.

Ann opened the door, while a crisp, cold breeze blew into the room with her friend.

"What are you doing here so early?" asked Ann in amazement.

"Hurry and get dressed. I'm taking you two out to a hot breakfast and some fresh air," Shelly said enthusiastically.

"Fresh air! You mean that arctic gale you just let in?" Ann teased.

In spite of the early hour, she was delighted by the idea of going out for a hot meal, spending time with her friend, and getting away from the apartment for a while. The diversion from the things she would have to face that day was welcome.

As soon as Marty knew it was Aunt Shelly... that they were going out to breakfast... she darted from the bedroom, and got herself ready as fast as she could.

In fact, her mother taunted her with a race. Marty made it to Aunt Shelly, just seconds before Ann, who ran a close second.

Walking out the door, Shelly gave Ann a big hug whispering in her ear with deep feeling, "Love you. Miss Matt." Ann teared up for a second and hugged her best friend wordlessly.

The small group talked like magpies, chattering away about nothing as they got into Shelly's car. More animated than usual, the girls teased, laughed and tried to be gay, at least for a while.

At the warm restaurant, with two hot coffees and a cocoa, Shelly, Ann, and Marty ate a wonderful breakfast. Shelly glowed watching mother and daughter share a good-sized meal between them. Small talk flourished and the laughter continued.

"It's too bad that your mother can't stay with you for a while. She could keep Marty company, and help out around the apartment for a while." Shelly suggested.

Ann sat in stunned silence.

"Did I say something wrong?" asked Shelly with concern.

"No, it's just such a strange idea. It never occurred to me to ask her. It would have been out of the question a while ago, but the last couple of days have been great, with her new attitude. She seems to have changed and I'm actually enjoying being around her. But, how long will it last?" wondered Ann.

"You could always try it out for a while and see how it goes." Shelly responded.

"That's not a bad idea. I would imagine she'd like the company, as well. What do you think, Marty?"

"Yes, please. Can we?" Marty asked. "I'd like Grandma Wesley to stay."

"That's settled, then. I'll call her when we get home," Ann said with satisfaction, though a small worry lingered.

Secretly she wondered... Will I have problems with Mom? Is this too soon? I know it's hard to change a lifetime of bad habits, but she is really doing so well. Shouldn't I give this new relationship a chance? Besides, Marty could use the company when I have to go back to work, and Mom must be so lonely in that old trailer. Ann sighed and thought, We'll see. I can always take her back to the trailer, if it doesn't work out.

After a delightful time, good food, and wonderful companionship, Shelly dropped them off at the apartment.

Hugging them good-bye, Shelly offered, "Call me if you need anything. Jim and I are there for you anytime."

Mother and daughter waved good-bye as they watched the car disappearing into the rain. Walking into the apartment together, Ann made a mental note of all the things she needed to get done that day. The first one on her list was to call her mother.

"Hello, Mom," said Ann. "How would you like to come and stay for a while with Marty and I? You can sleep in Matthew's bed, if you don't mind. Marty and I would love to have you here for a few weeks."

Emma couldn't believe what she was hearing. Surprised, she said, "Oh, Ann... do you mean it? I can do all the cleaning and cooking. You won't have to do a thing. You just tell me what you need," she said eagerly.

"Mom, I don't want you to come here and work, I want you to stay for a while, as our guest. You can keep Marty company while I return to work in a few days. Then we'll plan something for my day off," Ann offered.

Ann suddenly thought of Sunday. "Would you like to come to church with us this next Sunday? I'll understand if you don't want to," she added.

Church! Emma thought with instant irritation. The thought made her uncomfortable... yet, being with Ann meant so much to her that she said, "I'll try Ann. I really will."

"Do you have someone to watch the trailer while you're away?" Ann asked.

"I'll ask Mrs. Brown next door. I'm sure she'll do it for me," Emma said excitedly. She couldn't wait to pack her things, to be with Ann and her granddaughter.

"When can I come?" she wanted to know.

"Why don't you take the day to get ready and I'll pick you up tomorrow morning around nine o'clock. I have so much to do today. I need to go by the funeral home to finish a few more details, and then it's off to town for a while. It's going to be a long day, mom. I'll probably crash when I get home tonight."

"Ann, is there any way you can pick me up before all that? I can be ready in an hour. I'll stay with Marty while you go about your errands. Would that be too soon for me to come over?" she asked with some concern, not wanting to push.

Ann thought for a moment and smiled to herself. Why not? Marty can stay home and not be dragged around town while I finish what I have to do. What a great idea!

"If you can be ready in an hour, Mom, I think that would work out great. I haven't been able to do anything in the bedroom yet. It's so hard to go in there, right now, but we'll work something out," she said softly.

"I'll be ready, Ann," Emma said with feeling. "Don't you worry... we can get through this together."

And for the first time in Ann's life, she was grateful that her mother was coming, that she didn't have to face this ordeal alone.

"All right, Mom, see you in about an hour," Ann said, hanging up the phone.

For a few seconds, misgivings crept into her heart. What if it all goes wrong? I'm not ready for more problems right now. But she shoved those thoughts aside, telling herself to give her mother a chance. It wasn't as if she couldn't go back to the trailer. She only lived across town.

* * * *

Emma packed her few things quickly. Running next door, she got Mrs. Brown's promise to watch her home while she was away. Mrs. Brown wrote down Ann's phone number in case Emma had to be reached.

Ann's mother returned to the trailer and looked at the clock on the wall. A whole 20 minutes to go.

Then Matthew's funeral came to mind. With mixed feelings of joy and sorrow, Emma waited.

Memories came flooding back as Ann drove to her childhood home, especially the memories of Sean. If only she'd had the strength to say no to him in the first place and mean it! But, then Marty wouldn't have been born, nor the wonderful years with Matthew. No, even bad decisions can be made into something sweet, if you look for the good... and there was good there. Yes, her children were the blessings she would cherish forever.

Glancing in the rear view mirror, she took a quick look at the beautiful child God had blessed her with in the back seat. Yes, I'm grateful for the children God has given me, she thought.

Pulling up to the trailer, Ann left Marty in the car and went in the front door to get her mother. In no time at all, Ann had Emma's small suitcase and returned to the car.

Following Ann out the door of that decrepit trailer, Emma turned to lock the door of that sad, old place. Years of memories and struggle filled her mind. Years devoted to her only child.

Suddenly, a strange feeling overwhelmed her. I'm never coming back. This is the last time I will ever stand here. What a silly thing to think! she laughed at the thoughts, but the feeling persisted.

Talking comfortably together, they drove back to the apartment. Parking the car, Marty took Ann's keys and ran up the stairs to open the front door. With Ann carrying her mother's old suitcase, mother and daughter ascended the stairs.

Upon entering the little home, Emma was delighted by how new and nice it seemed. Though she'd been there before, it looked so different to her this time. Gone were her critical eyes. She was now looking through eyes of gratitude. Everything in her life was so altered, with the changes that were taking place in her heart.

"Mom, I've got to get going. My cell phone number is on the fridge." The memory of putting that note there, with the bunny magnet she had given Matthew, reminded her of his absence. As a few tears came to her eyes, she reached down and gave her mother an unfamiliar hug, and then she hugged Marty good-bye, as well.

"Bye... see you this afternoon," Ann said, as she left to complete the errands she had for that day.

Emma and Marty went to find the sheets for Matthew's bed. Emma changed the bedding in all the rooms, did the laundry, then vacuumed and dusted the apartment. She had a nice lunch with her granddaughter, chit-chatting away. Then they turned on the TV to watch cartoons. It brightened Marty's life to share her favorite things with Grandma.

When Ann got home later that day, dinner was made and the house looked clean and welcoming.

"Mom, I thought you were going to relax and be a guest here," Ann said with some concern, as a small twinge of guilt erupted in her heart over the work her mother had done.

"I had such a wonderful day with Marty. It wasn't any trouble Ann," she said with those puppy eyes that reminded Ann of Marty when she wanted to please so badly.

"As long as you didn't work too hard Mom, you're a guest here," Ann said, trying to be grateful.

The next couple of days were special for Ann, Marty, and Emma. They were bonding into a real family. Ann looked with love and fondness at her mother, instead of the old anger and resentment. She tried putting herself in Emma's shoes, realizing how hard it must have been for her to leave her family, to give up so much to have her daughter in her life, especially when she was so young. In Ann's heart, a new desire stirred... to see if there wasn't a way they could stay together, to make this new relationship work.

* * * *

The day of Matthew's funeral dawned brilliant and clear. Frost covered the landscape, little puffy clouds of vapor drifted in the air from the warm breath of those outside.

Emma had gotten up early, made a light breakfast for everyone and dressed herself in her black dress. It was old and threadbare, but it was the best she had. Ann also dressed in black, a pantsuit that she would never wear again, because of the memory it would now hold.

Has it really been a week since I lost my son? She couldn't believe the time was passing so quickly.

Marty stayed by her mother's side all day, holding her hand as often as she could. The funeral home was decorated by the ladies from the church. They had worked with Ann to make a collage of photos from Matthew's life. Flowers were on every available surface. Shelly and Jim were there attending to Ann's every need, giving her their love, moral support, and caring hearts. The daycare workers came, along with Nancy from the hospital, church friends, and even Sean's parents came.

Ann hadn't seen or spoken to them since Sean divorced her. They had stopped coming to the little church and moved on with their lives somewhere else. She knew they missed their only grandchildren terribly, but they had to be loyal to their only child. Now, it broke Ann's heart to see them so alone in the world. They must be suffering terribly from the loss of their son and grandson, she thought.

The Henderson's stood apart in the back of the chapel, and Ann's heart went out to them. They were good people and she wanted them to know she didn't blame them in any way for what Sean had done with his life.

Approaching them, Ann shook Bill's hand and gave Eva, Sean's mother, a hug. The two women cried and offerings of forgiveness were given and accepted.

Eva reached down, giving Marty a big hug, while Marty reveled in Nana Eva's affections again. Papa Bill offered his big bear hug for his only grandchild.

"Would it be too much to ask to see you and Marty once in a while?" Eva asked softly.

"You're both welcome in our home anytime. I never wanted to be parted from you in the first place, but I understood why. I really did, Eva," Ann offered.

"Thank you," both the grandparents said at the same time, with guarded joy illuminating their faces.

"I'm so sorry about the way Sean handled his desire to have Matthew back in his life," Eva said. "From what I've learned, he was frustrated with some legal advice he'd gotten and had been drinking heavily the day he took him. I believe that if he'd been sober, he wouldn't have taken Matthew the way he did. At least I hope so," she added unhappily.

Ann was surprised to learn he'd been drinking. She understood some things now, that hadn't made sense at the time. It was going to be hard to forgive him and his selfishness. The fact that he had been drunk made her feel sorry for him a little... but just a little.

She would have to work hard to erase the hate she felt for him. She would try, because that is what God wanted from her, not because Sean deserved it. She understood that she needed to do this for herself, so she could move past this pain and not be a victim of his selfishness all of her life. Besides, it wouldn't help her relationship with his parents, if she held onto any bitterness. I'll take baby steps, inch by inch, step by step, a little each day.

Ann asked Bill and Eva "How was Sean's funeral? I hope you understand why I didn't come," she said with a heavy heart.

"Ann, we do understand," said Bill. "He didn't treat you or the children at all well, we're sorry. I wish I knew why he treated women the way he did. He wasn't raised that way."

Ann responded, "I wish I understood it as well. It's too bad he didn't learned how to love and cherish others. I'm sure his life would have turned out differently, if he had."

Ann reintroduced her mother to Bill and Eva, and the small group sat down together. During the service Marty sat in between her mother and Grandma Eva, with Bill next to his wife. Emma sat on the other side of Ann. Shelly and Jim sitting behind them.

It delighted Shelly to see Sean's parents included in Ann's small family again. She could envision more love and support for her friend, if this trend continued. She smiled with her hope.

The family went through the motions of saying good-bye to their special little boy. The service was beautiful. Pastor Henry talked of hope, love, and the joy little Matthew had been to everyone. How he was loved by all who knew him. And about the hope we all have of seeing him again, in the next life.

The memorial service came to an end and Ann turned to Bill and Eva asking if they would like to attend the graveside service with her. They were grateful.

Standing at the back door, Ann said good-bye to all who had come.

Her new family, Emma, Eva, Bill and Marty, along with her good friends the Fergusons, went to the grave site to say good-bye to Matthew, for now. Ann held Marty close, for comfort as well as to keep her warm on that cold, crisp day.

Pastor Henry said a small, short service for the family as they stood around the grave site. He closed the service in prayer and Ann passed out roses that she had collected from the chapel. Each person walked up to the grave site, said a prayer, or spoke of their love for Matthew, dropping the lovely flowers onto the casket. With tears spent and emotions gone, Ann said her good-byes to her son. She told him she would see him someday. That she would love him forever and ever, and never forget the joy he had given her for all of his short life.

It was time to say good-bye. Shelly gave Ann a sincere hug and told her she was so happy to see all the grandparents here and that she would see her at work on Friday. Jim put his arm around Ann for the first time since she had known him, tears brimming in his eyes. He didn't say a word. He just hugged her, then turned to join Shelly as they walked away together.

Emma stood nearby, observing the love shared between Ann and those around her, especially Ann's relationship with her daughter. How she wished she could have shared in that type of love.

Well, I have a second chance now. I can always learn, she reasoned with optimism. In her heart she prayed it would succeed. Suddenly, she realizing she wanted to make this a real prayer, If you're real God, help Ann and I to get along. Help us to be able to live together. Let us be a real family.

Finally, the long, hard day came to an end. One by one they got in their cars and went their separate ways. Arriving at the small apartment, three generations emerged from the car -- mother, daughter, and granddaughter -- tired and sad, but with a new gladness at being together.

After dinner, the evening was spent in quiet companionship. Marty lay on the floor reading a book, while Ann and Emma spoke softly on the couch.

When it was time for Marty to go to sleep, she was put to bed with special hugs and kisses.

"Love you, sweetheart. God bless you, and I'll see you in the morning," Ann told her little girl.

"'Night, Mommy," Marty said, still aching inside for Matthew. But, she was glad she didn't have to sleep in the room by herself. "Is Grandma gonna come to bed soon?" she asked.

"I'll be in bed before you know it," Emma told her. "Your mother and I want to sit and talk for a little while longer. I'll try not to wake you, when I come to bed."

"You won't wake me, Grandma," she exclaimed. "And even if you do, I can go right back to sleep," Marty explained.

"Well, just the same, I'll try not to wake you. But when you open your eyes in the morning, I'll be right there," she said pointing to the bed. "Unless I snore so loudly that you won't be able to sleep at all," she said with big round eyes, her mouth in a frown as she joked.

Marty giggled at her grandmother's funny face. She turned over, pulled up the covers, and tried to sleep. Ann turned off the lights and left the door open a crack.

At the table in the small kitchen, Emma and Ann stayed up talking about the funeral and the love they shared for Matthew.

Finally, Ann said good night to her mother and gave her a hug. It still felt awkward and strange, for she wasn't used to doing it, but it came from her heart.

Emma looked startled and hugged Ann back. "Thank you Ann. Good night, dear."

"'Night Mom. See you in the morning," Ann said.

Ann went to her room, got ready for bed, then sat in her chair to read Scripture and pray. Long into the night she talked to God and He comforted her. Exhausted, emotionally drained, she got into bed, and fell into a deep sleep.

The Return

LAYING ON MY bed, not quite awake, I became aware of the sensation that I was drifting silently upward. It wasn't like the reoccurring dreams I had of flying - weightless and unbound. Rather, I felt my stomach dropping, like the feeling you get in an elevator going down too fast, but instead I was rising swiftly... soaring away.

I shut my eyes and trembled, afraid to open them. Again I was cold, so very cold. I knew deep in my heart that I was back -- back into the vision I had been to once before.

Finally, opening my eyes I saw the same living, pulsating curtain of light. The same overwhelming urge I had felt before pulled at me. The need to allow the light to touch me, to let it ripple over my skin, to allow it to transform me, pulled me to my feet.

Why am I here! Lord, please, I don't understand. I want to go home! I want my family! I wept silently again. Why am I so afraid?

As my eyes became accustomed to the dark, I looked around me and everything was exactly the same, the identical dark, vast void with the living light falling from unseen heights above, the familiar cold, the hard boulders, and my unchanging fear of going toward that light.

It was like I had never left, and now, resounding deep within my soul, I knew it was my turn to go. But I wasn't ready! What were the answers? I didn't have any and I didn't want to find them this way!

Movement drew my eyes to a small form near the light. I realized it was a small boy drawing close to the transforming, flowing, wall of light. My heart skipped a beat when I thought it might be Matthew. It couldn't be little Matt, but it was!

"Matthew, Matthew!" I yelled. I heard only silence.

"No," I screamed, "No, no, no... Matthew!" But those words were only heard in my heart.

Leaping up and going around the boulder, I tried running to him, if running could be done in that dark place. In slow motion, every step agony in the time it took trying to get to him, I ran. I could see him touching it, feeling the light on his soft skin. Tears blurred my vision as I tried to see what was happening. Stopping, I wiped them from my eyes. I could see through the veil of light that my son was changing into a handsome young man, strong, gentle and tall. I stood in awe. My heart was pounding so hard, it hurt. He was beautiful.

Then I saw Sean to my left. At least I think it was him. He stood there like a frozen, cold, stone-hearted statue with the light reflecting off of his emotionless face. Not moving, locked in time.

At that moment, he moved and entered the light. The change was horrifying, the transformation dramatic. I should've been prepared for it, but how could I be, really. He hadn't been an ugly man. In fact, some had considered him quite handsome. Now his flesh was gone as he became stooped and deformed. He was mostly mouth, which shocked me until I realized what it meant. He had been such a selfish and greedy man. His personal appetites had been immeasurable and so self-consuming.

Joining the demonic crowd, he quickly headed toward Matthew, with the crowd of evil creatures following close behind. He looked like he wanted to devour Matthew! I could see him licking his lips and drooling in anticipation.

"No!" I cried deep within my soul. Dread turned my stomach sour. I stood there sick and weak inside. Just as quickly as the sickness came, it was replaced by a steely resolve.

That's it! I don't care what happens to me. I will not stay here and let them hurt Matthew!

Instinctively my body jolted into action, without any further thought for myself, I ran toward the flowing waterfall of light.

Drawing near the light, every hair on my body tingled. I shut my eyes, held my breath and plunged into its flow. If I could have inhaled I would have gasped at the power that overwhelmed me, as its light flowed over me and through me. Every cell in my body was lit up with the living light, radiant, exposing the very soul that was me. Nothing was hidden.

Emerging on the other side, I opened my eyes. I hadn't transformed into a demonic creature, but I hadn't become an angelic being, either. Instead, I wore a helmet on my head. I had a small shield in my left hand and a large two-edged sword in the right. A blazing breastplate was on my chest and a soft sash around my waist shone with its own living light. I noticed soft leather shoes on my feet as I stood stunned in this new world of color and light.

Coming from a frigid, black, empty void, into this world full of vivid colors, sunlight, and warmth, was like being born again, into life, into reality, into the world of God.

I was standing on a vast expanse of white sand with a soft blue sky overhead. In the distance, on the horizon, far, far away, were the mountains. Tears of joy and excitement slid down my face. I was armed, ready to face anything, and my heart leaped with a new strength within me.

The demonic creatures turned their gaze on me, at first in horror and hate.

"What do you think you're doing?" one large, ugly creature sneered at me. "Look, a warrior of great renown is in our presence." It laughed and the rest started to giggle, a sort of hysterical gurgle.

Their contempt stung and hurt me deep within my soul. I faltered a step. I felt ashamed. Raising my sword in defiance to that feeling, I took an offensive step forward.

The creature that had been Sean said, "Come here, Ann. Let me love you, take care of you. I have always loved you. You are mine and I will never let you go! You are nothing without me!"

My heart was beating hard and his words were hurting me, for I did want to be loved and taken care of, but not by him!

I yelled at him, "I don't want to be loved by you. I never wanted to be loved by you, and you know it!"

"Mom, is that you?" Matthew's voice spoke gently and sweetly from behind me.

I backed away from the evil crowd, moving toward his voice, keeping my eyes on the creatures in front of me, my sword ready and my small shield feeling quite inadequate.

"Stay behind me, Matt," I told him firmly.

"What do you think you are going to do... alone? You can't fight us all!" another creature snarled deep in its throat.

Real laughter welled up from the evil multitude, then abruptly... silence. They stared at me and kept moving silently, with purpose and stealth toward me.

My heart pounded, but I was determined to protect Matthew and anyone else I needed to.

"She's NOT alone!" a voice shouted to my left.

As I turned I saw a huge warrior coming toward me from the transforming light. She was clad in a helmet with a lion's crest on it. On her breastplate, etched deeply within, a lion's head roaring in strength and might. Her shield was huge and elaborately decorated with jewels and gold. Her sword, sash, and shoes were the same as mine.

"Martha," I said in shock, "is that you?"

"No one else but me, sweetie," she replied with a huge smile.

More warriors appeared through the living wall, similarly clad. Their shields varied in size and decoration, but everyone was protected with armor and carried huge, double-edged swords.

I looked around me, counting the number of warriors. "There aren't enough of us to fight them all!" I said to Martha, my voice tinged with dread.

"Don't forget whose armor we wear, Ann," she replied proudly. "Remember who has won the right to be our Lord and Savior. Whose name do we call upon when we need help?"

"Jesus," I said softly to myself. Then I yelled, "Jesus, come quickly! We need you!"

From nowhere and everywhere the light came. All light before it was like a dim candle in comparison. The light was so bright that shadows did not exist. Every feature, nook, and cranny was exposed. Nothing was hidden. Nothing could be hidden.

I couldn't tell if the light destroyed the demonic crowd or if they fled, but I knew they were gone in an instant. I felt Martha and the others nearby, but I couldn't see them for the light. Then they were gone. I covered my eyes with my small shield, but the light couldn't be stopped.

Then, through love and gentleness, the light dimmed enough for me to see Him. I fell to my knees in awe and worship. For there, in my presence, was the Lord I had come to love, yet He was so much more, my King, my Friend, my God.

He reached down and placed His gentle hand under my chin, raising my face to see His. I saw the love and warmth coming from his eyes that I had longed for all of my life. Oh how I wanted to be loved like this! Tears of joy and gratitude fell from my face.

"Ann, my child, why are you crying? Don't you KNOW how much I love you?" He asked tenderly, knowingly.

I felt ashamed that I had ever doubted His love for me. Or maybe I should say my worthiness to be loved by Him. But the truth was in His face. He did love me and I was so ready to be loved, really loved. My spirit soared high and my heart sang, really sang, for the first time.

"Why did you ever doubt your worthiness?" He asked. "You should never have been afraid of what was inside of you. Don't you believe in the blood that I shed for you?" He continued.

"I felt so unworthy and sinful," I replied.

"Ann, my blood covered your sins and unworthiness. You kept wiping it off to see what was already paid for and holy. You must leave it on and believe in my gift. You must believe the words I left in my book," He said softly and lovingly.

I'd never felt such joy and happiness. How shallow and foolish I'd been. I knew He was forgiving me even now.

He raised me to my feet. "Ann, see those mountains in the distance?" He asked.

"Yes, Lord," I answered softly.

"Matthew and the others, whose names are written in the Lamb's Book of Life, are waiting there. Would you like me to take you there?" He offered.

"Oh, yes please, Lord," I answered, for I wanted to go with Him no matter where it was. But, how could I have forgotten Matthew? I was so surprised that I had, but being with the Lord was all-consuming. A person wouldn't care about anything else but being with Him.

My aches and pains, doubts and fears were gone, really gone.

We walked along in the sand in quiet comfort, neither one talking for a while, both knowing we loved each other deeply and enjoying our companionship.

After a while, I asked softly, "Lord, can I ask you a question?"

"Just one question Ann?" He said with a knowing smile.

I giggled and basked in the profound contentment of being fully known and understood. "Why do I have armor on and Matthew doesn't?"

"All children on the Earth, who are too young to accept me as Lord, are received here, complete and whole. I would never turn away a child from my presence," He answered. "But when they are no longer children and have reached the age of accountability, they are old enough to decide about me. Those who chose me as their Savior are given my armor to protect and equip them for the life they must live there. Do you remember the Bible verses I left in Ephesians 6 about the armor of God?"

I recalled something about a helmet of salvation.

My Lord smiled as He saw the light of knowledge come into my eyes.

"Lord, I can't remember it all. Would you explain it to me, please?" I asked Him.

With a warm and genuine smile He said, "You are wearing the helmet of salvation I gave you. On your chest is the breastplate of righteousness. And the sash of truth, which shines by its own light, is around your waist. Your feet are shod with the preparation of the gospel. And in your right hand is the sword of my Spirit, and in your left hand you carry your shield of faith."

"Oh," I laughed as I looked at the shield, "that explains its size! I guess I haven't exercised my faith as much as Martha has."

The laughter from my Lord was like static electricity and a sparkling light show all in one, bright and joyous. I tingled all over, inside and out.

There was no sense of time passing in this place, for it didn't exist here. When I looked at the scenery next, we were coming to the foothills which lead to the snow-crested mountains. As we walked and talked in the hills, we soon found ourselves in a cathedral of huge redwood trees. Light rays streamed through the foliage and the smell of the forest was intoxicating.

"Lord, may I ask you a deep question?" I asked with a little concern.

"A deep question, Ann?" He asked with love in His eyes, but not a speck of humor reflected there, for I think He knew what I was going to ask.

"Lord, why did Matthew have to die? I know you could have healed him," I said softly with the first sadness I had experienced in this lovely new world.

"Do you believe I know all things, Ann, the past, present and future?" He asked.

"Yes I do!" I answered with feeling, for I knew He was God.

"Then know that if Matthew had stayed, more harm would have befallen him than needed to. You don't know what was awaiting him further down his lifeline. Know that it was time for him to come home, my child."

In stunned silence I pondered His words.

"Do you still think I don't love you, Ann?" He asked with wisdom in His gaze.

"Oh, no, I do believe it. I feel it. I know it now!" I said truthfully. For here I was in His presence and there was no doubt. Just as there wasn't a speck of darkness here, I saw the light of truth in all that He said.

"Then know Ann, that I love Matthew just as much, and it was time for him to be here with me," He said gently.

At last, I was at peace about it. Earth is just a temporary place. None of us can stay there. We will all be traveling to this place someday.

The Lord and I walked on, talking and sharing our hearts. Soon we were walking in the snow on top of a world that was bright, clean, and full of light.

As we walked down the other side into a beautiful meadow with wildflowers blooming everywhere and birch trees swaying in a gentle breeze, I found the courage to ask another deep question. "Lord, why is there so much suffering and hurt on the Earth? Couldn't you have taken care of it right away and end the evil that exists there?"

At that, such a sad look entered His eyes. He turned to me and held my shoulders in his hands. He looked me in the eyes and asked, "How long is eternity, Ann? Do you know?"

"Oh, it must be forever. It is forever. I guess it's a very long time... " I stammered.

"Yes it is my child, and what is a few thousand years compared to eternity? It is being taken care of right away in that sense. And, because of Satan and his followers' betrayal to our Father and through Him myself, every soul must be tested. Who loves Us enough and who doesn't is the testing. It is not a testing of what they do, but who they love the most - their Creator or something else."

"Earth is a testing place, Ann. That is all it is now. And soon it will be over and a new age will begin with all those who love us. And evil will be destroyed forever," He said with a righteous light in his eyes.

"Oh," I said in deep thought. It made so much sense. Of course, the life on earth wasn't everlasting. Eternal life is a gift given by God to His chosen ones, but it was spent here in His love, His light, and His holiness. It seemed so silly to think of Earth as the only thing to exist. Yet when I was there, it was all I could think about and live for, that tiny speck of time which wasn't forever.

As we strolled farther into the meadow, we walked again in silence, so complete and fulfilling. We didn't have to speak. It was such a joy to just be there and exist with Him.

Soon, singing grew in my heart. I was full of love and delight at being there with Him. My armor was getting cumbersome, and a strong desire to throw it off and run barefoot in the grass, to be free of the protection He had given me on Earth, began to grow. After all, I didn't need it anymore. I was there with Him.

"Lord, is it okay if I take my armor off now?" I asked.

"Not yet Ann," He replied, "the right time has not come."

Maybe I'll have to wait until we reach Matthew and the others before I can take it off, I thought. But whatever the reason, I trusted Him. If He wanted me to wear the armor longer, it was okay with me. I was just so happy to be with Him. Joy seemed a very sad word in comparison to how I felt. It was like I was full of life for the first time, and everything was in living color and alive, really alive.

After a while we came to a small grove of aspen trees, with their little heart-shaped leaves flickering in the breeze. Stopping He asked, "Will you wait for me Ann?"

Thinking that He had something to do and He would be right back I said, "Yes Lord, of course I will."

Reaching over, He took my shoulders in His hands. Then He looked me in the eyes and said, "Remember that I love you, that I have always loved you, and that I will always love you. I will always be with you."

Reaching up I hugged Him, and He hugged me back. Oh, what a wonderful feeling to be hugged by the one who gave me life. He smiled such a warm joyous smile. He hugged me once more and without a word walked across the field of flowers to a path leading on into the forest.

I went to the nearest tree and under its shade I watched Him walk away.

At the path that led into the forest, He turned and waved to me and I waved back. Then He was gone, yet I knew He was still with me. How could He not still be with me? He was an intricate part of me.

I sat down in the shade of the aspen trees and closed my eyes to think about His love and to wait for His return.

I slept. At least I think I slept.

Deep Love

ANN OPENED HER eyes. A deep, deep groan grew in her chest. As her eyes filled with tears, she sobbed, "No, no, no,"... deep and low, a heartrending sound. She was back in her room, in the little apartment, cut off from the light and air that is her Lord. Everything seemed so dark and colorless here compared to the world she had just left.

Swinging her legs over the side of the bed she placed her face into her hands, sobbing a little. It broke her heart to be parted from Him, to be away from His presence. She realized now why He hadn't let her take off her armor. He knew she had to return.

Whether she had come from a dream, vision or a real place didn't matter at all, for God had taken her there. He had spoken to the depths of her soul. The lessons she had learned there were important and she knew now that she had things here on Earth to finish.

Wiping the tears from her face, Ann got up from her bed, and walked over to her bedroom window.

The stars were fading in the early morning sky. Rays from the rising sun were streaking the soft clouds in a glorious sunrise. The sun, in all its brightness, would soon be rising about the horizon. It wouldn't be like the light that the Lord gave off, but a dim replica of His light, His glory, and His majesty.

Ann's heart leaped with joy and awe as she realized that God had made that sun, placed it just where it needed to be, and that it still rotated in the heavens of His creation. That He still gave life to the dust of this earth, and for now, it continued. And most of all, she knew she still had things to do here, a life to fulfill for Him.

Kneeling and resting her arms on the windowsill, she watched the light change as the sun grew closer to the horizon. She knew it would soon be too brilliant to look at.

Ann closed her eyes and whispered to God, "Lord, I choose this day to follow You with all of my heart. The glory of the sun You have set in the sky will remind me now of Your Son's glory. I will accept Your will for my life because You are God and for no other reason. I will accept the Christian way of life and devote myself to its narrow path. I will not forget how much I love You and how much You love me, indeed how much You love us all."

Ann raised her head and warm tears of joy and love flooded her heart. For she now knew that faith in her Lord was the bridge from this world to the next, and she would make sure that it grew large and strong.

"Mommy, are you up?" called Marty from outside of her room.

"Yes, sweetie, I'm coming," Ann responded with a deep love for her daughter, her life, and her God.

Other Books

This book is available in soft cover.  
To order, or find other eBooks by Alexa Stewart visit:  
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"God Bless you and yours in the years to come."  
...Bryne Press

