QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE -- THE
"LATE SHOW" WILL BE LIVE EVERY
SINGLE NIGHT.
SO TUNE IN FOR A MOCKERY OF OUR
POLITICAL SYSTEM -- AND THEN
WATCH THE "LATE SHOW!"
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪
OF COURSE, CONVENTIONS MEAN THAT
THE PRIMARY SEASON HAS FINALLY
COME TO AN END.
WHAT A LONG, STRANGE TRIP IT'S
BEEN.
WE IN THE MEDIA HAVE ENJOYED
EVERY MINUTE OF THIS KNOCK-DOWN,
DRAG-OUT FIGHT, REVELING IN THE
POLITICAL FISTICUFFS LIKE IT'S
SOME KIND OF VICIOUS BLOOD
SPORT-- LIKE IT'S THE "HUNGER
GAMES."
NO, IT'S WORSE THAN THAT.
IT'S...
THE HUNGRY FOR POWER GAMES!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YES!
HA HA!
WELCOME TO THE HUNGRY FOR POWER
GAMES!
TRIBUTES, ASSEMBLE!
( CLAP CLAP )
OH, SO FEW REMAIN.
BUT THE BAR IS CLOSING AND
AMERICA HAS TO GO HOME WITH
SOMEONE.
DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE
CANDIDATES NUMBERED 23?
HELLO.
HI.
BACK THEN YOU COULDN'T SWING A
DEAD CAT WITHOUT HITTING ONE!
AND ONE OF THE CANDIDATES WAS A
DEAD CAT.
WE MISS YOU, SENATOR TUMMYFUZZ!
STILL DID BETTER THAN BOBBY
JINDAL.
BUT, AH, FRIENDS.
SADLY, TODAY WE LOST THE BRAVEST
TRIBUTE OF ALL.
A MAN WHO WE ACTUALLY LOST
MONTHS AGO, BUT WHO COURAGEOUSLY
KEPT PRETENDING NOT TO BE DEAD
BECAUSE, TODAY, BERNIE SANDERS
ENDORSED HILLARY CLINTON.
>> SECRETARY CLINTON HAS WON THE
DEMOCRATIC NOMINATING PROCESS.
( HUGE APPLAUSE )
AND I CONGRATULATE HER FOR THAT.
>> Stephen: YES, HE
CONGRATULATES HER -- FOR THAT!
VERY CONVINCING ENDORSEMENT.
REMINDED ME OF ANOTHER MAN WHO
FORCED HIMSELF TO ENDORSE A
CORONATION IN HOPES OF HEALING A
RIFT.
>> GEOFFREY BARATHEON IS THE
RIGHTFUL AND TRUE HEIR TO THE
IRON THRONE.
>> STEPHEN: BERNIE, DON'T FORGET
TO DUCK.
YOU'LL NOTICE THE SLOGAN ON THE
PODIUM WAS "STRONGER TOGETHER,"
BECAUSE BERNIE REJECTED
HILLARY'S ORIGINAL IDEA:
"IT'S ABOUT (BLEEP) TIME."
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
SO IT HAS FINALLY COME TO PASS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
SO, BERNIE SANDERS HAS FALLEN,
AND LIKE MANY SENIORS, HE CANNOT
GET UP.
(LAUGHTER)
OH, BERNIE, YOU WERE A WORTHY
ADVERSARY OF WE, THE ELITE.
AND IN YOUR HONOR, I'M GOING TO
EAT YOUR NAME IN CAVIAR.
(LAUGHTER)
MM-MM-MM, MMM!
MM-MM-MM, MMM!
MMM, MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
MMM!
I'M GOING TO REGRET THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
MMM!
MMM!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THE WORD SALTY IS JUST THE TIP
OF THE ICEBERG, FRIENDS!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
MY KIDS KIDNEYS ARE SHUTTING
DOWN AS WE SPEAK.
MMM!
BUT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING,
BERNIE SANDERS' CAMPAIGN WAS
REMARKABLE.
THE FIRST REMARK -- "WHO IS
BERNIE SANDERS?"
BECAUSE BACK IN APRIL 2015,
BERNIE ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY
TO A TINY CROWD, AND HALF OF
THEM THOUGHT HE WAS THE
INSTRUCTOR FOR TAI CHI IN THE
PARK.
HA HA!
STAND LIKE A TREE, EVERYONE!
THE ANNOUNCEMENT AIRED ON
C-SPAN 3-- WHICH COVERS NEWS NOT
BIG ENOUGH FOR C-SPAN 2, WHICH
HANDLES THE STORIES TOO SMALL
FOR C-SPAN 1, WHOSE HIGHEST
RATED SHOW IS EMPTY CHAIRS IN
THE SENATE.
BUT SOMEHOW BERNIE BECAME
POPULAR WITH HIS PLATFORM OF
GIVING EVERYONE EVERYTHING THEY
WANT, AND HE EXCITED YOUNG
VOTERS WITH HIS PURE SEX APPEAL.
HE HAD BEDROOM EYES AND BEDROOM
HEAD.
AND SOON TRIBUTE SANDERS WAS
FILLING ENTIRE STADIUMS.
HE WAS LIKE THE ROLLING STONES,
BUT YOUNGER.
(APPLAUSE)
AND HE PROVED HIMSELF TO BE A
SERIOUS CANDIDATE.
EVEN AFTER HE SAID THIS:
>> BUT THIS IS WHAT YOU DO DO.
WHAT YOU DO DO--
>> STEPHEN: DOO-DOO TWICE!
IMPRESSIVE FOR A MAN HIS AGE.
HA HA!
ROUGHAGE.
(LAUGHTER)
IN THE END, BERNIE RECEIVED OVER
12 MILLION VOTES AND WON 22
STATES, AND HE STAYED IN THE
RACE SO LONG, AFTER BEING
MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED, THAT
HE ALSO WON THE STATE OF DENIAL.
(LAUGHTER)
HA-HA!
A LONG WALK, BUT WE GOT THERE
TOGETHER!
SO HERE'S TO YOU, BERNARD.
WORDS CANNOT EXPRESS HOW WE FEEL
AFTER LOSING YOU.
SO, IN YOUR HONOR...
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
GOOD NIGHT, SWEET PRINCE.
LET US BID FAREWELL TO THE
FALLEN.
( CANNON FIRE )
♪
♪
FAREWELL, BERNIE.
NO ONE ELSE EXPRESSED THE
FRUSTRATIONS OF SO MANY
AMERICANS, WITHOUT BLAMING IT ON
MEXICANS OR MUSLIMS.
