Make love, not war?
Well, why not both?
So, Steam Hearts.
This is a game that I remember fondly when
I was a kid who just got hands on the internet.
Granted, I didn’t even know it was a game
because that’s not why I knew about it.
It wouldn’t be until I got into the Sega
Saturn that I’d rediscover the game and
be like “Hey, these characters look really
familiar...”
Turns out this Saturn game is an enhanced
version of a game also on the PC-98 and PC
Engine CD.
Now while the PC Engine version is easily
the worst and should only be considered by
die hard Turbo fans, the PC-98 does have one
very unique selling point... which we’ll
get to in a minute!
I’ll be playing the Saturn version though,
as it’s the only one I own.
So, after selecting your character, you’ll
be taking on hordes of enemies just like any
shmup.
You’ve got a primary and secondary weapon,
stack different types of secondary weapons,
burn your secondary weapon up for a bomb-type
attack, and use a boost to get out of tough
spots.
Fight and defeat the boss, which for each
stage is a cute pointed-eared girl, then you
get a cut scene where... um... wait... what’s
going on in this game?
Yeah, that’s right.
You have sex with the bosses.
That unique selling point the PC-98 version
had?
Animated scenes showing off plenty of procreation
and, uh, protein.
Granted, if you were a horny kid back in the
90s just discovering the internet and looking
at animated gifs of nekkid cartoon girls on
your 56k modem, you’ve probably already
seen them... which I am certainly not saying
from experience.
Shmups and hentai, a brilliant combination.
I mean keep in mind, this is Japan, a land
that twice a year holds the world’s largest
doujin fair and a land that during the height
of Space Invader’s popularity actually brought
about a shortage of the coins used to play
the game.
Making a game that combines shooting and sex
was just inevitable.
However, most adult games are far from bastions
of good game design.
I mean, they’re usually porn first and game...
possibly never.
Hell, a lot of times the porn is terrible,
if not nightmare inducing.
How does Steam Hearts fair?
Well, the art is nice - got that nice old
school anime style.
These cut scenes hang on each image for way
too long, but those kitty titties are nice
enough that I’ll wait.
What was I talking about again?
Uh, yeah, the game.
It’s good!
Surprisely decent.
Like, it’s not fucking CAVE or anything,
but it’s actually better than many other
shmups I’ve played.
And those didn’t even have naked catgirls.
You’ve got either bullets or lasers as your
primary weapon which can be powered up.
There’s also tons of secondary weapons,
ranging from heat seeking laser shots and
missile launchers to flamethrowers and even
a massive sword that can absorb bullets.
The biggest issue I have is that you can’t
slow your ship’s speed.
Your ship is just too big, with all the bullets
it makes for a really tight fit.
You can increase your speed by using the boost,
so you are probably supposed to just boost
away from bullets completely, but I usually
just hold on to the sword as much as I can
to eat the bullets.
So yeah, it’s actually a pretty good game.
Pick it up if you can, it’s a fun shooter
that - wait, it goes for how much?
Nevermind, just google the H gifs up and play
another shooter.
It’s good, but it’s not THAT good.
