My home country, Australia, is a
commonwealth nation which means
our head of state is Queen
Elizabeth the second. 
Her family is our Royal Family
and it's getting bigger by the
day. 
A few weeks ago, a new Prince
was born and 
Prince Harry just got married to
Meghan Markle. With more Royal
news, please welcome 
one of our writers, and official
English person, Matt Kirshen. 
>>Thank you, Jim. I am legally
English. 
>>I presume you're excited about
the Royal wedding?
No, it's ridiculous. 
>>Yeah! Absolutely. 
>>The Royal family IS
ridiculous. It's embarrassing.
It's undemocratic. It's unfair.
>>And it's absolutely essential.
You really believe that? I mean,
I'm technically one of the
Queen's subjects and
even I just think it's a crappy
celebrity family. It's like if
you had to 
bow to a Kardashian. 
>>Jim, it's much worse than
that. 
>>It's like if the Kardashians
only mated with other
Kardashians
>>for hundreds of years and
after centuries of inbreeding,
whatever crawled out of the
final Kardashian was on your
money. 
I'm confused. You're in favor of
this, why?
>>Because it's honest. 
>>Like that's the difference
between America and the
commonwealth countries.
>>In America, every child is
told, "you can be President when
you grow up".
>>It's bullshit!
>>No one in this room will be
President. 
>>No one watching this at home
will be President. You're
dreaming!
Just let them dream, Matt. It's
fun!
>>Yeah, it's fun to think you'll
grow up to be Batman, but it's
no way to run a country. 
>>Look, 
>>when I was 3, I was told-
>>"You will never be King". 
>>Like, that's what they tell
little children. You won't be
King, you won't be Queen. 
>>Give up. 
>>And we grow up angry and
resentful. And that's why we
have free healthcare. 
I'm not sure I'm seeing the
connection. 
>>Jim, right now in London,
there is a 4 week old baby 
>>who is legally superior to
both of us. 
>>Prince Louis is currently less
intelligent than a dog
>>and he is more fit to lead the
country than I'll ever be. 
>>The only thing stopping us
from storming the castle is free
penicillin.
I will give you that. It is true
that healthcare is great in the
commonwealth. 
Like, I can go into a hospital
with a snake bite from a snake
that I actually raised to bite
me on purpose
and the doctor will be like,
"aw, nipped you again did it,
Jim? We'll get that fixed up!"
>>Right, exactly! You don't get
that with your "I can do
anything" American bullshit!
>>Like, ohh I can be President
if I do my homework and brush my
back teeth. 
>>Oh! I can overthrow a
tyrannical government with an
AR-15 and my buddy Mike who does
situps. 
>>We know we can't. So we don't
try. 
>>That' the trade-off. The
Royals get a gold carriage. We
get 8 months maternity leave. 
>>Private Royal toilet? 
>>4 weeks of paid vacation. 
Private toilet?
>>Yeah, Jim. Yeah. The Queen has
her own private toilet wherever
she goes. 
>>And that's her burden. 
>>It sounds great, but, if she
destroys it--
>>she can't blame anyone else. 
>>Like, WE get to go, "oh I
don't know who was in there
before me!"
>>Not the Queen. 
Still, going your whole life
being told you're a second class
citizen. Isn't that a
little....pessimistic?
>>Yeah! Britain is built on
pessimism. 
>>Our most famous slogan is
"Keep Calm and Carry On". 
>>It might as well say, "shut up
dickhead and know your place."
>>And that got us through a war!
Come on, Matt. America may
eventually get universal
healthcare. 
>>No. Not while the "American
dream" is a thing. 
>>You will never get the freedom
that comes with being worth less
than the corgi shit a butler
tongues off the bottom of the
Queen's shoe. 
>>Americans--
>>stop thinking you're all
special. Just try to be more
british about it. I know you can
do it. 
>>You used to be us. 
Thank you, Matt Kirshen! He'll
never be king. This guy? Never. 
