-Hi, everyone.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
I'm Jimmy Fallon.
As of this morning,
we planned to do a show
with a full audience,
but as the day progressed
and the more
we thought about it,
we and NBC decided it be smarter
to not have an audience
in order to do our part
to help decrease
the spread of the coronavirus.
So the show's gonna be a little
different than it normally is.
Like you, I'm watching the news,
and I'm just as confused
and freaked out as you are.
I know that speech last night
didn't help.
But what I do know is,
when we're there for each other,
we're at our best.
And I am here for you.
We are here for you.
I want to thank
our staff and crew,
many of whom worked from home...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...to put on this show tonight.
I really appreciate you guys.
We're gonna try
to entertain you.
We're gonna have Dr. Oz out here
in a little bit
to walk us through what's
going on and what we can do.
So if you want,
maybe just put your phones down
and enjoy an hour
of mindless entertainment.
It's gonna be a fun show.
The Roots are here!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Higgins is here.
Now let's start the monologue.
Here we go.
[ Laughter ]
-Budget cuts.
-Could we get smaller cards?
-Yeah, no --
-When we have a regular show,
they're bigger cards.
-Yeah.
-Well, guys, if the world
isn't suffering enough,
last night
on "The Masked Singer,"
we found out Sarah Palin
was the bear,
and she even performed
without her mask.
Check it out.
-♪ Deep in the jeans
she's wearing ♪
♪ I'm hooked,
and I can't stop staring ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪
♪ Want to get wit'cha ♪
♪ And take your picture ♪
[ Laughter ]
-I'm sure it's fine.
I mean, when has a conservative
celebrity on a reality show
ever been a problem?
[ Laughter ]
Of course, the big story
is the coronavirus.
These are
some really tense times.
Seriously, at this point,
I wouldn't mind a massage
from Joe Biden.
[ Laughter ]
Last night, President Trump
addressed the nation
from the Oval Office.
It was a nice change
from his usual speeches
right next to a helicopter.
[ Helicopter blades whirring ]
"I'm about to go on a trip
in this flying whirlybird car.
Me go in sky now.
Bye-bye."
This is only the second time
Trump has addressed the country
from the Oval Office.
The first was during the great
McRib shortage of 2018.
[ Laughter ]
Actually, the last time Trump
spoke from the Oval Office,
it was about his plans
to build his border wall,
which means in two years,
the coronavirus should be about
10% taken care of.
[ Laughter ]
But Trump wanted to give a
speech to reassure the nation
that everything is gonna be
okay, and I think it worked.
Today, the stock market
only dropped 2,000 points.
[ Laughter ]
During his address, Trump said,
starting Friday,
people from Europe can't fly
to the U.S.
He was like,
"We have to stop the virus,
so instead of flying here,
I want everyone
to take a cruise."
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter ]
And officials --
normally when we do this,
we rehearse these jokes...
-Right.
-...in front of
a rehearsal audience,
but today, obviously,
there's no audience.
-Yeah.
-Just bear that in mind.
[ Light laughter ]
I think you know already.
-Yeah.
-Yeah. Anyways.
Yeah.
And officials want
to be very careful
with the Americans
returning from Europe.
They said the only thing worse
than coming back with the virus
is coming back and pronouncing
Barcelona, "Barthelona."
[ Laughter ]
-[ Laughing ] Hey.
"Esprestho."
-But early on
in Trump's address last night,
he struggled with the word
"continuing."
-I am confident that by counting
and continuing
to take these tough measures...
[ Laughter ]
-Can we see --
What? What was it?
Can we watch that again?
What was it?
-I am confident that by counting
and continuing to take...
-That's good, that's good,
that's good.
-Oh.
[ Laughter ]
"I'm confident by counting --
and continuing --"
It sounds like his tongue
is quarantined from his mouth.
[ Laughter ]
Was someone
pinching him under the desk?
"Counting --"
[ Inhales sharply ]
"And continuing."
Did you see this?
C-SPAN did a livestream
of Trump's speech,
but it went on a little longer
than they meant to.
You could actually see Trump
after his speech was over.
Watch this.
-We're clear.
-Okay.
Ok-a-ay.
[ Laughter ]
-Come on!
-He's like, "Ok-a-ay.
So...
So that just happened.
Okay."
Sounds like everyone
trying to wrap a long call
with their parents.
"Okay. I gotta run."
Mm.
-Hmm.
-Mm.
-Oh, that's a new pile.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, come on.
No.
No.
-No!
-Dude, I'm waiting
for J.P. Morgan to stop me.
-No!
No!
-Oh.
-Shredder!
[ Motor whirring ]
-Okay.
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, today,
Trump spoke alongside
the prime minister of Ireland.
You can tell Trump
enjoyed his time
with the Irish prime minister
'cause right after,
he declared the coronavirus
"magically contagious."
[ Laughter ]
-Hey!
-♪ They're magically
contagious ♪
♪♪
All right.
In the middle there.
But this isn't good.
Last night, the NBA announced
that they are suspending
the season indefinitely.
That means, across the country,
there are now 30 empty arenas,
or as that's also known,
a tour for Three Doors Down.
[ Laughter ]
-Oh, no, you didn't!
[ Cymbal crash ]
-I didn't do that.
Oh, snap.
-What?
-Wow!
-I didn't -- I didn't write it.
I didn't do it -- say it.
You said it.
[ Laughter ]
What --
What's Three Doors --
What song did
Three Doors Down do?
-Uh...
-"Superman," right?
Something about...
-Oh, oh.
♪ If I go crazy, then will
you still call me Superman ♪
[ Singing gibberish ]
♪ Holding my hand ♪
[ Singing gibberish ]
♪ My super human ♪
♪ My kryptonite ♪
♪ Ye-e-e-e-e-ah! ♪
Not that bad.
-Wow. We know that.
[ Laughter ]
-How do you know that?
I know almost every word.
-I'm impressed
that we know that.
[ Laughter ]
I'm sorry.
-I should write down
all the new songs...
-Yeah, exactly.
-...that we learned
while doing these shows.
Yeah.
-There you go.
-Right?
-Yeah.
-A lot of things are happening.
In fact, a lot of companies
have sent home
nonessential employees.
So if you're at home right now,
I'm glad you're safe
and sorry that you're considered
nonessential.
[ Laughter ]
"All right.
I guess I'm nonessential?
Is that cool?"
-"Come on."
-And, finally,
I read about a company
that started selling packs
of 20 pre-made jello shots.
Americans heard and were like,
"Forget Purell.
Just give us that.
Hey! Ba-dum ching!"
[ Rim shot ]
That's it.
That is tonight's monologue,
everybody, right there.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know why I was saving --
-Come on, yeah.
-Maybe I'll put it on an
inspiration board or something.
