♫ EPIC NEW FUS RO DAH INTRO MUSIC ♫
AARON: Hello?
EMRE: Oh! That's the mascot!
Right there! See it?
AARON: That's Bored Face!
EMRE: Bored Face, the mascot!
AARON: That was where Savos got the idea for him as a mascot.
EMRE: OOOOH, right!
AARON: HEY, LOOK OUT! There's a fireball! LOOK OUT, MAN! OOOooohGAAAAWD!
[GIGGLING BOYS BE GIGGLIN']
EMRE: I don't know why but those slow motion deaths really get me gigglin'.
AARON: Yeah, they make me kinda feel *pleasured*.
Check it out.
DISEMBODIED SKULLY VOICE: 'HEEEEY, thaaanks fer findin' meh'!
'I LUV YEW! Can you take me sumwharrr??'
'Where there's a LOT moar skulllzzzz? Where I can hang OUT 'n peeple can cum sit on meh without asking permission????'
AARON: YES! Of course, Skull, I can do that.
SKULLY: 'THANKYEEEWWww'
AARON: You're welcome!
EMRE: Nirnroot alert!
NIRNROOT ALERT!
AARON: NEEERNROOT ALURT
EMRE [as a dystopian security advisor]: ALL SENIOR CITIZENS SHOULD HAVE NIRNROOT ALERT
AARON: AAAAAAHGHHH~~! Whoa, whoa God!
EMRE: Dumbass Alert.
AARON: I've fallen! And I, my Nirnroot Alert...went off!
Hey, that guy's, uh....he's on a treadmill.
A Draugr Wright treadmill.
I've heard they're pretty good.
EMRE: Gotta keep that spectral heart rate up.
AARON: Pffteheh. Spectral heart rate.
That's what my doctor said the other day.
EMRE: Mmhmm?? After he gave you your colonoscopy?
AARON: No, he didn't. He said when I'm forty though, I have to get a colonoscopy.
And, I'm not forty.
So...
Emre went to his doctor and was like, 'UHHH, I think I need a colonoscopy.' And the doctor was like, 'No, you don't need that 'til your forty'.
And Emre's like, 'Nooo, I crammed so many CD's up my ass--'
EMRE: CD's???
AARON: 'I NEED A COLONSCOPY!'
EMRE: Yeah, you're right. Cramming CD's up your ass is a LOT worse than cramming fucking 8-tracks up your ass.
AARON: EXACTLY.
EMRE: Which is what you were doing.
AARON, A BITTER OLD MAN: YEAH. 8-Tracks. Good one.
Actually, I was cramming...
Umm...
Oral Storytelling up my ass.
Because I'm *SO* old.
AARON [like a bitchy cheerleader]: Hey, everybody! What's goin' on? What are you guys doiiiin'?
That's weiiiird. What are you doiiinggg...?
EMRE: Morokei!
AARON: MORO-KAI!
EMRE: MOROKEI!
AARON: Who says it's MOORE-OH-KEY?
EMRE: I do--
AARON: Why would it be pronounced MOREOKEY?! That's really...stupid.
EMRE: Yeah, well, *he's* really stupid.
AARON: OKIE-DOKIE, MOREOKIE.
EMRE: Awh, that was TOO easy...
AARON: Yeah, what a loser. What a FAT loser.
Staff of Magnus? I don't want that!
EEEEHhhh, guess I'll take this...
And, uh, that should be good.
WAAAIT...
Staff of Magnus? That sounds *FAMILIAR*.
I remember everybody at the college gettin' their undies in a bundle about something...
EMRE: Mmnyeah, it was gonna be 'bad for business' or something? Shit like that?
AARON: I thought that was called like, the Staff of...
....s-ssshhaaag...nuts...
EMRE: Shag Nuts?
AARON: WEeell, I better take this one just in case. I guess.
But, we still have to find the Staff of Shag Nuts!
EMRE: Alright.
Return to TolfDUR.
AARON: Oh, God...
I was having so much fun...until 'Return to Tolfdir' came on the screen.
EMRE: What? Who's that?
OOH! IT'S ANCANO!
AARON: NOOO, IS IT??
Oh! This is Estormo! This is *not* Ancano!
EMRE, A RACIST: It's Ancano's twin brother!
ESTORMO: I'm afraid I'll have to take that staff from you *now*.
AARON: What should I kill him with? How should i *dispatch* him?
EMRE: You should use one of your staffs?  Those are cool.
AARON: Should I use the Staff of Magnus?
EMRE: OH! That'd be AWESOME!
Be like, 'O-Oh, wait! *THIS* staaaff??'
Hey, Estormo!
AARON: YEAAAAAH!
See ya later, shiiithead!
EMRE: AWWWWWEESoooomme!
EMRE: You look pretty cool now, with that mask on.
AARON: I do, don't I? Check this out.
Awww, YEAH!
EMRE: You look like Iron Man!
AARON: I look like a...
...FFFrog...
...Boi...
EMRE: No! You know what you look like?
...You look bored.
AARON: Yeah, that's true. I do look--You know what? This is an accurate representation of what I'm feeling right now.
The game has finally found the mask for me.
Okaaay, I gotta go back to the--OOOhhhNOOoo...
EMRE: Hey, Tolfdir!
AARON: HEY! This isn't as boring as I thought it was gonna be!
Hey, everybody! Come on! Let's go STUDY!
Stop all this foolishness!
Tolfdir!
What's goin' on, man?
TOLFDIR: YEW SURVIIIIVEDD???
AARON: Yeah! Of course, I did.
'Where's Mirabelle'?!
When the HELL did I start caring about that *jerk*?
Where's that angry bitch that always like, reprimanded me??
I'm worried about her!
Seems like she'd be out here!
[EMRE cannot contain his giggling as AARON becomes exasperated with disbelief]
AARON: What the FUCK.
What, uhh...What are you doin' out here, man?
Looks like it's pretty normal in there. Why don't we just go in?
TOLFDIR: Ancano's power is GROWING. We can't--
AARON: Oh, Ancano? Ehhh, who cares.
EMRE: Oohh, *that* guy.
AARON: HEY, TOLFDIR!
UH!
Okay, yeah! Let's get inside, quick!
[TOLFDIR lets out one last 'FAAAAASCIINNAAATING' as he is FUS RO DAH'd into Oblivion]
AARON [feigning shock as ADAM and EMRE laugh at elder abuse]: Oh, shit! Oh! Uh! Bye, Tolfdir!
Did you SEE that?? He just fell off the bridge!
TOLFDIR [in deep slowmo]: FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHSCINAAATIIIIIIIIIIiiiinnnngggg~~
SERGIUS TURRIANUS: I'll be AMAZED if any of us survive this!
AARON: Yeah, me too. Especially Tolfdir.
[TEEEEHEHEHEHEEAAAHHHBAHAHAHAAA]
AARON: I gotta stop off in my room, everybody. I-I...you know...
Gotta go tinkle.
EMRE: Ah! Time to drop off some skulls!
AARON: Yeah, I got a little delivery to make here.
Alright, well, I just finished dropping off my load of skulls  so I guess it's time to head out and then--
WHATTHE
H-HOLYSHIT!
TOLFDIR'S BACK, AND HE'S *PISSED*!
HOLYshIIIiiitt!
EMRE: How did you make it back, man?!
TOLFDIR [unaffected by mortal death]: WE MUST HURRY IF WE ARE TO DEFEAT ANCANO.
[AARON and EMRE cackle,  amused by one old fart's determination to be a nuisance]
AARON: Awwwwh, dude. I love you.
Tolfdir's like, 'YUP. You can fuckin' knock me three miles off a cliff--I'll be back in like twenty seconds!'
What, now you're gonna *FIST FIGHT*??
I thought you had the flames out before!
EMRE: He does look pretty friggin' ridiculous.
AARON: I think he used to be a pugilist in his earlier days.
EMRE: And, *NOW* he's just insane.
AARON: Fights for money.
Alright, man. Well. I like your attitude. Let's do this.
Ancano, you don't stand a chance!
Not with Tolfdir's FISTS and my SKULLS!
ANCANO: YEWWW THINK I *CAN'T* DESTROY YEWWWWW?!?!
AARON: I don't think so, no.
ANCANO: POWAH TO *UNMAKE* ZA WARUDO AT MAH FINGERTIPS!
AARON: Uh-huh.
ANCANO: BUT, YEWWW THINK YOU CAN DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?!?!
AARON: Oh, I dunno. I guess?
Maybe.
Holy shit!
Dude! Relax! Why did you do that?!
EMRE: I think he might have hit his head on the way down.
AARON [cracking up]: Gawwhahah...I think something bad *did* happen to him!
EMRE: Uhoh!
Whoa! What did he just do?!
AARON: OH, SHIT! Did you just kill Tolfdir?!?
EMRE: WHOOhohoho!
AARON: DUDE! THANK YOU!
Oh, my God! He's fuckin' already rigor mortized!
What, are you tryin' ta fist fight me? What a *loser*!
EMRE [missing his grampy]: TOLFDIR!
AARON: What's with the sudden obsession with pugilism around here??
What's he got now?
Awwwh, just a bunch of *crap*!
GROSS! I wish I wouldn't have done that!
UUUGGGGGGHHhhhhh! GAAAHHD!
So, uhhh, what do we do now?? Wanna go play, uhhh, 'pushy off the cliffy'?
...Lil bit more?
TOLFDIR: I don't KNOW.
AARON: AW, COME ON!
EMRE: He's got mixed feelings about that.
AARON: I think he kind of enjoyed it.
Speak...
With...
Yellow nuts.
QUOROMIR YELLOW NUTS: Your victory here justifies our belief in you.
AARON [as ol shitty face yellow nuts]: 'IIIIM HERE TO WRAP THINGS UP IN THE MOST *BORIIING* WAY POSSIBLE!'
'Just wanted to let you know that weeeee....love you'.
'If you ever need anything...whores, money....some coffee...'
'*I'LL* give it to you!'
AARON [normal]: What do we do now?
QUORONIR: The Eye has grown unstable. It *MUST* be secured!
Ancano's actions prove that the world is not ready for such a thing!
AARON: Oh!
QUORONIR: We shall safeguard it.
AARON: Okay...
QUORNIR: For now...
AARON: You just go ahead and take it.
EMRE: Y-Yeah, you--
AARON: It's all your's man.
EMRE: Just *let* these guys have the...?
AARON: Yeah, I trust this guy. Why not?
TOLFDIR: You've done it! The college is safe again, thanks to your work!
AARON: OHOOyeah!
TOLFDIR: There's *NO ONE* more deserving to be Archmage, in my opinion.
AARON [not so shocked]: WUUUTTT, meeeee???
WHOOOOOOO, MEEEeeee??
EMRE: So, does this mean that you...*graduated*?
AARON: I guess? Aren't you gonna give me a *hat* or something?
Diploma, maybe?
No. He's just like, 'Yeah, you're the Archmage. Uhmm. Everyone else is pretty much DEAD or...STUPID. Soooo...'
I really think *TOLFDIR* would be a better Archmage than *ME*.
EMRE: You'd think!
AARON: He finds all this shit fascinating.
Whereas, I DO NOT.
OOOOOOOoooo! All spells cost 15% less to cast, plus 50--THIS is my diploma!
HAI!
I'm the Archmage!
Do you like it here at MY college?
Wait, I can take her as my *companion*??
[EMRE lets out a shiver of perversion] OOOoOoOooOooo!
AARON: Brelynaaaa Maryonnn. Maybeh you and I have a *future*?
BRELYNA: Lead the way!
AARON: Oh, yeah. Now we're talkin'.
EMRE: Let's go talk to Enthir. Let's see if everything's bad for business still.
AARON: Okay.
EMRE: HEEEEY, ENTHIR!
AARON: ENTHIR! Everything should be *GOOD* for business now, right? FRIEND??
UHM. I'm the *ARCHMAGE* and you have something of Onmund's and he wants it back.
ENTHIR: OOOOoohmyyy...
AARON: I'm the Archmage.
ENTHIR: Howwww *PRECIOUS*.
AARON: It's in everyone's BEST INTERESTS if you return the amulet, PERSUADE?
ENTHIR: I'm not concerned with *everyone's* best interests! I find that I'm only concerned with my own.
AARON: I'm the Archmage
ENTHIR [really doesn't care]: Look at how PERSISTENT you are.
AARON: YEAH! I'm the ArchMAAAAGE!
People just, uhh...I don't get *any* respect!
EMRE: No.
AARON: I showed up at college, seven days later I'm the Archmage--
COME ON! Give me some fuckin' respect here, people!
ENTHIR: LOOK. I traded a staff to someone and found out later that was a bad idea! So, I'd like the staff BACK.
AARON: I'll get the fuckin' staff for ya.
ENTHIR: FINALLY! We have an agreement!
AARON: YEAH!
The agreement is that I get the staff, and then I stick it *ALLLL* the way up your butt!
Great! We have a deal!
Did you see *that*?
I'm the ARCHMAGE, and he just fuckin' treated me like a TURD!
I need you to do something.
BRELYNA: Alright. What is it?
AARON: You see him?
Get 'em.
BRELYNA: Can't do that! Sorry!
AARON: WHAT?!
I told you to ATTACK him!
I'm the ARCHMAGE!!
I'M THE ARCHMAGE, BITCH!!
BRELYNA: Anything else??
EMRE: Jesus...
AARON: NO!
No! If you're not gonna do what I *tell* you to do, then what's the POINT?!
EMRE: Yeah! If you can't get people to KILL other people for NO reason, what's the POINT of being the Archmage?!
AARON: What a nightmaaare...
Fuck this...
I gotta go get the staff for this *sack of shit*.
I hate this college so much.
I don't wanna live in it
I can't take this anymore.
HERE WE GO!
AAAAAAAAEHHHHHHENDITALLLLLL!!
OOOH, GAWHD!
I couldn't even kill myself!
I thought it was gonna be so great! They'd be like, 'OHH, THE NEW ARCHMAGE! H-HE! HE JUMPED OFF THE EDGE OF THE...BUILDING!'
'Our hiring process really just seems flawed'!
'Especially if the new Archmage, as soon as he's made Archmage, jumps off a cliff'!
'T-That's bad for business'!
♫
AARON: HEYAAA, CAN SOMEBODY CLEAN THIS--Ohhh.
It's *me*, isn't it?
EMRE: It's your job.
AARON: I have to clean this.
Ughhh...
EMRE: Ohhugh, mahn...
AARON: Stinky!
[A DEEP INHALE OF ANTICIPATION]
AARON and EMRE: YEEEEEEEEEAAAAHAHAHAAHAaaaha!!
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
