>> THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I KIND OF HAD A TOUGH DAY, I HAD
A ROOT CANAL DONE.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
I HATE GOING TO THE DENTIST.
I SAID TO MY DENTIST HEY, IS
THIS GOING TO HURT.
AND HE SAID TO ME AS LONG AS
YOUR INSURANCE GOES THROUGH IT
WON'T HURT.
(LAUGHTER)
AND I GRABBED HIM BY THE NUTS
AND I SAID DON'T YOU-- WITH ME
DR. NATHANSON, I'M SCARED TO
DEATH RIGHT NOW.
AND I DON'T NEED SOME [BLEEP]
LIKE YOU CRACKING JOKES WHEN
HE'S GOT HIS HANDS INSIDE MY
MOUTH!
IT'S NOT NATURAL AND BESIDES, I
HAVE NEVER LIKED YOU.
BUT NO, I HATE GOING TO THE
DISEN TYES.
-- DENTIST.
I JUST HATE IT.
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I HATE,
PAY PAL.
I HATE IT.
IF YOU HAVE TO, IF I HAVE TO PAY
YOU, YOU ARE NOT MY PAL, RIGHT?
YEAH.
HEY PAYPAL I WANT THESE
MOCCASONS SOME GUY IS SELLING
ON, BAY, CAN YOU GIVE THEM TO
ME, NO, I HAVE TO GIVE YOU $80,
OKAY, SO THEN STOP THINKING YOU
ARE MY PAL.
YOU ARE NOT MY PAL.
YOU ARE JUST TAKING, SOME JERK
TAKING MY MONEY.
SHOULD BE CALLED PAYJERK.
(LAUGHTER)
YEAH, THIS STUFF MAKES ME MAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE MAKES ME MAD,
WE ARE GOING TO DO A TRANSITION
HERE, WHY ARE TINY REFRIGERATORS
CALLED MINI BARS IN HOTELS.
I DON'T CALL BARS GIANT
REFRIGERATORS.
LET US STOP AT THIS GIANT
REFRIGERATOR AFTER WORK.
WHAT ELSE.
WHAT ELSE.
WHAT ELSE.
WHAT ELSE.
OH, I KNOW, IMMIGRATION.
NOW THAT'S SOMETHING EVERYONE IS
TALKING ABOUT, RIGHT.
THAT SAY HOT-BUTTON ISSUE.
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAYS HE WANTS TO
BUILD A WALL AND THAT MEXICO IS
GOING TO PAY FOR IT.
MEKSZ CO?
-- MEXICO?
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
MEXICO!
THEY'RE GOING TO PAY FOR IT?
MEXICO  -- MEXICO?
MEXICO?
MEXICO?
MEXICO?
LET ME ASK YOU THIS,
MR. PRESIDENT, HOW DO YOU EXPECT
MEXICO TO PAY FOR THIS WALL?
OH, LET ME GUESS, PAYPAL?
THANK YOU.
(APPLAUSE)
PAYAMIGO.
TRANSITION TIME.
TRANSITION TIME.
JACK AND JILL WENT UP THE HILL
EACH WITH A BUCKET OF QUARTERS.
JILL CAME DOWN WITH 250.
AND THAT'S ALL I MONDAY HEE,
FOLKS, RIGHT KSH-- ALIMONY,
FOLKS, RIGHT.
SPEAKING OF DIVORCE, ANYONE IN
THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT DIVORCED OR
PLANNING A DIVORCE?
YEAH, IT'S TOUGH STUFF.
WHAT ELSE, WHAT ELSE.
WHAT ELSE?
OH, I KNOW, TAX TIME IS RIGHT
AROUND THE CORNER.
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT ALREADY HAPPENED?
OH, WELL, OOPS, GUESS WHO FORGOT
TO PAY THEIR TAXES.
NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, IT'S A
FEDERAL OFFENSE.
LAST TIME, LAST TIME I DID MY
TAXES I USED H & R BLOCK, HAVE
YOU EVER HEARD OF THEM.
YEAH, I THINK H STANDS FOR
HEMORRHOIDS AND R STANDS FOR
RECEIPT.
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I LOOK
THROUGH MY RECEIPTS I GET
HEMORRHOIDS.
SPEAKING OF HEMORRHOIDS, MY
MOTHER AM LAW IS IN TOWN.
OKAY, LET'S DO ANOTHER
TRANSITION HERE.
TRANSITION.
I TRAVEL A LOT.
ANYONE BEEN FLYING LATELY?
(APPLAUSE)
IN MY DAY YOU USED TO BE ABLE TO
WALK RIGHT UP TO THE GATE, NO
SECURITY, NO NOTHING.
IN FACT, FOR A COUPLE OF EXTRA
BUCKS YOU COULD FLY THE PLANE.
NOW THERE'S A CHARGE FOR
EVERYTHING.
EXTRA BAGS, RIGHT, CHARGE FOR
EXTRA FOOD, CHARGE, WATCH A
MOVIE, EXTRA CHARGE UNLESS IT'S
WEEKEND AT BERNIES THEN THEY PAY
YOU TO WATCH IT, THAT THING IS A
PIECE OF [BLEEP]   OKAY.
WELL, HAVE I TO END IT.
I'M GETTING THE LIGHTS HERE, YOU
HAVE BEEN A GREAT AUDIENCE, I
WILL BE RASCALS AM PASADENA,
SHOW STARTS AT 2 A.M.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
>> James: RON BURGUNDY.
RON, RON, COME HAVE AW SEAT,
YEAH, YEAH, COME ON, HAVE A
SEAT.
COME ON, HAVE A SEAT, PLEASE.
PLEASE.
RON BURGUNDY, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
>> THAT WAS AW PRETTY GOOD SIGN,
YOU CALLED ME OVER TO THE COUCH.
>> James: ABSOLUTELY, I HAVE
NEVER DONE IT BEFORE.
>> WHEN THE COMEDIAN GETS CALLED
OVER TO THE COUCH, THAT MEANS
HE'S HOT STUFF.
>> James: I HAVE NEVER DONE
THIS BEFORE, NEVER DONE THIS
WITH ANY COMEDIAN.
>> AND I, LITERALLY I HAVE ONLY
DONE STANDUP FIVE TIMES.
>> James: NOW TELL ME, RON,
WHAT WAS IT MADE YOU WANT TO DO
THE LEAP TO GO INTO STANDUP
COMEDY.
>> IT IS JUST A FUN WAY TO
RELATE TO THE PEOPLE.
LIKE I SAID, I'M NOT A PROBY ANY
MEANS, I GOT TO TALK ABOUT TAXES
AND IMMIGRATION AND IN A VERY
POIGNANT WAY.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT IT'S A WAY TO STEP OUT, YOU
HAVE TO CHALLENGE YOURSELF.
IF YOU DON'T CHALLENGE YOURSELF,
AND I WANT YOU, IN FACT, CAN WE
GET A REAL TIGHT SHOT HERE.
CAN WE GET A TIGHT SHOT.
WHERE AM I LOOKING.
CAN WE GET A TIGHT SHOT, YOU
KNOW WHAT, FOLKS, IF YOU DON'T
CHALLENGE YOURSELF, YOU DIE.
>> James: WOW, THAT'S
BEAUTIFUL, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
>> YEAH.
NOW HOW DO YOU TACKLE THE THE
HOT TELEPHONE TOPIC OF THE MONTH
OF FAKE NEWS.
HOW DO YOU.
>> THAT'S A REAL BUGABOO.
>> ST, A BUGABOO IT IS REALLY
GETTING DIFFICULT, LIKE WHAT'S
REAL AND WHAT'S NOT.
>> FOR SURE, YES.
>> I REMEMBER THAT IN FACT I
THINK WE SPOKE ABOUT THIS
BEFORE.
I REMEMBER WHEN BACK IN MY DAY I
PREMA IT TURELY ANNOUNCED WE HAD
WON THE VIETNAM WAR.
AND THAT WAS EIGHT YEARS BEFORE
IT IT ENDED.
>> RIGHT.
>> AND I GOT SOME FLAK AND I
WASN'T A BIG ENOUGH MAN TO
CORRECT MY MISTAKE ON THE AIR.
>> BUT YOU HAVE GOT TO CORRECT
YOUR MISTAKES.
>> YEAH.
>> AND YEAH, SO DO YOUR
RESEARCH.
>> SO FOR EIGHT YEARS.
>> CHALLENGE YOURSELF.
>> DO YOU MEAN FOR EIGHT YEARS.
>> OR YOU WILL DIE.
>> FOR EIGHT YEARS I HAD PEOPLE
COMING UP TO ME GOING THE WAR IS
STILL GOING ON.
YOU KNOW THAT SWRZ YEAH.
>> AND I WOULD SAY NOPE, IT
ENDED.
I HAD TOO MUCH PRIDE.
>> James: TOO MUCH PRIDE.
>> TOO MUCH HUBRIS.
>> James: NOW YOU HAVE A
WEEKLY PODCAST.
>> I DO.
RON BURGUNDY PODCAST.
(APPLAUSE)
WHO WITH YOUR DREAM GUEST BE.
>> LIKE IF I ABRAHAM LINCOLN
WOULD BE GREAT.
OR CHRIS PINE.
>> James: YES.
>> OR CHRIS PRATT, ANY OF THE
TWO CHRISS.
>> James: ANY OF THE CHRISS.
>> CHRIS EVERETT LLOYD.
>> James: CHRIS HEMSWORTH.
>> SCRIS EF ANS, ALL THE CHRIS,
WHAT WOULD BE A KILLER PODCAST,
ALL THE CHRIS MS. ONE ROOM W OUR
SHIRTS OFF, WRESTLING EACH
OTHER.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> WOW.
>> James: THAT WOULD BE
SENSATIONAL.
NOW RON, WE HAVE ANOTHER GUEST
COMING ON LATER, ARE YOU A FAN
OF ANIMALS.
>> I LOVE ANIMALS.
>> James: REALLY?
>> I FEEL LUKE I COMMUNICATE
WITH ANIMALS ON A DIFFERENT
LEVEL.
I LOVE ALL ANIMALS EXCEPT FOR
SKUNKS.
>> James: WHAT IS IT ABOUT
SKUNKS, WHY.
>> I JUST HAD A NUMBER OF
RUN-INS SPECIFICALLY WITH SKUNKS
WHERE THERE IS JUST SOMETHING,
I'M JUST INTRIGUED BY WHERE THE
SMELL COMES FROM, AND I JUST
CAN'T RESIST.
I KNOW IT'S GOING TO END UP BAD
BUT NO, I'M DEFINITELY AFRAID OF
SKUNKS.
>> James: OKAY, BUT ALL.
>> ALL OTHERS I LOVE.
>> James: WE HAVE AN ANIMAL
EXPERT COMING OUT HERE FROM SAN
DIEGO ZOO, CAN YOU STICK AROUND.
>> I WOULD LOVE TO, BE MY
PLEASURE.
