 
Teenagers of the 21st. Century

### Stories of Parents

Copyright 2014 Fernando Otero

Translated into English by Stefan Fernández

Smashwords Edition

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Some Preliminary Thoughts

You Know How to Do it

Fear of Setting Boundaries

Knowing your Children

Discovering their Talents

Please, No Adlibbing!

Understanding Authority

Silence Gives Consent

Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Let's Call a Spade a Spade

When Teenagers Screw Up

Acting on their Behalf is Demeaning to them

Daddy-boy; Mommy-girl

Facing the Outside World

Parents Taking Initiative

Learning to Be Patient

An Old Story

Some Final Thoughts

# Some Preliminary Thoughts

This is a book for parents of teenagers.

I will put forward some issues in order to help parents think and set strategies that will make parenthood easier. The strategies I would like to share with the reader stem from over twenty years of experience as a teacher. My insight is that of a teacher who is permanently in touch with students and parents. I am not a psychologist. I am a teacher who has learned a lot from the people he becomes involved with due to his job. Thanks to these people I have a positive outlook on life and it is my purpose to transmit it to you.

This book is packed with real anecdotes and examples. Names and circumstances have been modified out of respect for those involved. In a fast-moving, complex world there is almost no time to think. We are "moving on" the best way possible, by "winging it" on a daily basis. The real problem arises when we do not know where we are moving on to. And this is the main reason why so many parents and teenagers are bewildered.

During many years of work, I have seen stories of sacrifice and tears, stories of strength and decision, of success and failure. I have seen silent, heroic acts. In those that ended well, I have seen determination, willingness to solve problems and to find new ways forward when necessary. As many things in life, countless stories will remain a secret to many but have marked the souls of those involved.

The media tells us the world is upside down, in some ways. Instead of thinking about what kind of a world we will leave our children, we should better think about what children we will leave in the world.

I am not writing about social problems, for they are obvious. I just want parents to know that by the right means they can find solutions to human problems. It is never too late; but it is necessary to take action instead of standing still. My purpose with this book is to get parents to act. Optimists act with hope, while pessimists stay quiet and disheartened.

Sometimes teachers work in tough environments, sailing against the wind, trying to do the best we can to achieve goals with faith, even if we do not accomplish everything we expect. We know that, over the years, students and parents remember us lovingly.

It is not my wish to make a small contribution, for small contributions are so light, the wind blows them away. I wish to plant a seed in the reader's soul. This seed, as the living thing that it is, will hopefully grow on its own to become a leafy tree that will embellish the landscape.

On a side note, I have written some pages for youngsters, published under the title Adolescence: A Bridge to Go Over. Stories of Students. That book includes real stories of students. It may even help parents, if they read it, to understand their teenagers a little better. These two books could be understood as the faces of the same coin. It starts with the parents. If they wish to impart wisdom, the first thing they need to do is make it a fact.

# You Know How to Do it

As news programs show us, we dwell in a complicated social environment. We are bombarded by all kinds of crime: raping, robbery, murder, mugging... Everybody could tell a real story about something that happened to them or to a relative or neighbor regarding these issues, and this proves society's downfall and people's bewilderment.

I think a general confusion reigns in our society. Maybe all throughout the history of our country and even until a few years back, it was easier to tell the difference between right and wrong, but not anymore. In the environment students and parents dwell in today, parents' attempt to educate becomes hard.

Being a parent was easier when your kid was little. But now, with a teenager in the house, you have bigger problems. There is the environment, on one side, and your kid on the other. Those are two scenarios you have to enter; two scenarios where we, as educators, want to play a good part.

We the teachers want to teach the classes peacefully and give good grades. We would like students to pay attention, study and learn what we teach. But this is not the case. It is so not the case that, on occasion, teachers must hold meetings with the police in order to solve problems involving students.

As a matter of fact, I recently participated in a teacher-police meeting with those in charge of drug-trafficking investigation to tackle the issue of drug addict students at a high school I work at. We, the teachers, have become "social firefighters," we must dampen down flameless fires with devastating consequences for us all.

It would be too naïve to dream about ideal situations (which may never take place.) We must deal with what lies in front of us and improve it.

During some talks I have had with parents I have realized that they do possess common sense, strong, valuable beliefs and enviable, natural wisdom. However, they seem to be stuck in an inferiority complex. Generally, this complex becomes evident through their fear of being regarded as "set in their ways." They come to the talk fearing that their ideas would not be up to snuff, when in reality they truly are valuable, smart people.

What happens is our environment confuses us. Today, if a parent tells their teenager to do something, they may be regarded as bossy. If they comment on their outfit, they are fuddy-duddies. If they do not buy their teenager something they want, they assume their parents do not love them. The environment puts great pressure on parents, who become insecure and pass that insecurity on to their children.

Even if you cannot have everything under control, you are, as a mother or a father, very capable of educating your children. You have the ability that it takes to successfully carry out that task you have been assigned. Everybody has their own way of doing things.

There is not only one right way of educating children. You are who you are. The problem arises when you let inertia and the environment drive you. Educating is no simple task, but it does not have to be unpleasant. Maybe what you want for your children is clear somewhere inside of you, but you have trouble making it happen. You have heard many "experts" say so many different things that you are now confused.

There is no infallible guideline. Every teenager is different. You need to have great ideas to make a foundation and build upon them. You will work the little things out as days go by.

One thing is to acknowledge that you cannot handle things as you would wish; another thing is to make your insecurity and absent-mindedness noticeable. Your children's values and attitudes will stem from your steadiness and beliefs. You may have to rethink strategies as the world around you changes, but that does not mean you do not have a strong way of thinking. Teenagers always need their parents' strength in order to become stronger themselves.

One of the biggest blunders is being an absent parent. Some parents are there but they do not act as such.

There are parents who lack self-worth when it comes to the "technological" knowledge of their teenagers. Some parents cannot explain some of their teenagers' behaviors. Some are even manipulated by their teenagers and do not dare go against them.

If you find yourself reading these pages, it is because you want to be a part of your children's education. I would like for you to be confident and calm after reading some starting ideas.

You have a natural authority. Simply because you are your children's father or mother you can transmit your personal beliefs to them because those will do them good. Regardless of the world's obscurity, it is possible to educate your children successfully. As you want them to be happy, what you have to say will always help them. They will know what to take from your opinions. Don't worry about what people say. It is your responsibility to raise your children and nobody else's. Don't be scared to make mistakes. If your aim is to pass on strong values, you sure are on the right track.

You must know your teenager. He has grown now. He is no longer that nice, obedient, loving little child you used to show off as a jewel. He is now impulsive, grumpy and capable of confronting you and disobeying you in front of people. What used to work on him is now useless. Anyway, you don't have too much to worry about. He is still your son and you are still his parent. Adolescence represents a stage of change and growth for teenagers and a stage of reconsideration and patience for parents. You need to learn to understand your teenager. He or she will turn to you for support and you cannot let them down.

Your children are free. You may guide them, teach them and make suggestions, but they are the ones who make the final decision. You get to train them for life; you raise them so that they get to fly the nest one day. Your biggest failure as a parent is to think you own them. Sooner or later they get to see their own abilities and go away. Some frightened parents let their teenager become perpetual adolescents, who manage to stay home until the age of thirty, thirty-five or over. They just stay put and parents don't know what to do for them to grow up. There is no need to be afraid of freedom. Freedom must be educated in order to be used wisely.

Give them reasons to live. Your teenagers cannot have preprogrammed answers. They must have reasons and motives to act the way they do. If you don't make them think, they will try to find answers on television or the Internet. If they follow your line of reasoning, you will be able to create your teenager's moral structure. Upon sharing your arguments you will assert you coherence, which makes you a prominent figure for your teenager and reinforces your moral authority.

You need to have common criteria with your spouse. Mother and father must raise their children as a team. While parents don't have to carry out the same tasks, they do need to have a common project. Parent's agreement contributes to the teenager's confidence. If parents disagree, parenthood loses efficiency and seems confusing. Mother and father must agree on important values, but when they are supposed to act, each will do so differently. A family project and common ideas create the appropriate place where teenagers will develop their strength for their personal lives.

# Fear of Setting Boundaries

For many years we have heard that setting boundaries with children may affect them, make them faint-hearted or even keep them from developing character. People tried to avoid the idea of a bossy parent at all costs. It was sad even to think about it.

That way of thinking brought to society young people who would do as they pleased with no point of reference, and parents would not act because of fear of screwing up and of being regarded as unbearable.

Some time afterwards, society started to suffer the consequences of the uninhibited behavior of these spontaneous, authentic youngsters –as they called themselves– and now we are back to talking about the need for boundaries and reassurance one more time.

Boundaries indicate how far we can go. They do not diminish freedom; instead, they mark the territory where freedom can be used confidently.

Teenagers need someone to set points of reference for them. These are of great importance for them not to make mistakes and receive timely parental guidance.

Parental authority is based upon the parents' true interest in their children's happiness and upon a peaceful family environment. If you use your authority right, it will be possible to have peaceful conversations with your teenager. But, in certain circumstances, it is necessary to make clear who is in charge, with the support of good reasons. The "Because I said so" era is over. Today, despotism is unfruitful and maybe it has always been.

When faced with a momentary whim or an emotional blockage on the part of the youngster, it is necessary for the parent to give precise orders. In some cases this is the only solution. Whims must be educated with determination. But it is not always appropriate to act that way. You must take peaceful moments as an opportunity to talk and to clearly establish your criteria for doing what you do.

Boundaries are not lines one cannot step on; they are guidelines for action; they establish motives and reasons that explain and induce a certain kind of behavior. Just giving orders for the sake of it makes teenagers act, but not think or grow. The old "I'm the boss of you" statement is doomed to fail. You may be the boss, but only for as long as you are there; in key personal decision-taking moments you won't be. Trusting parents is undoubtedly better than fearing them.

I remember someone once said: "You gotta bring out the cop inside of you". I do not like it very much, but I understand we cannot stick to foreign rules. It is necessary for teenagers to act on strong criteria and acknowledge how important these are. Parents, on the other hand, need to know what they expect from their teenagers, think about how to say it and make it happen. Nice phrases and broken promises are common mistakes that must be avoided.

I remember Miguel's father. He and his wife tried to teach his son well. They had no economic resources and knew that a good education both at home and at school was all they could give him. They had good judgment and worked hard for the sake of the family.

Miguel liked to party and curfew was always a problem in the house. He was always getting in late, violating his curfew. One night, Miguel sneaked in two hours after curfew and his father decided to do something about it. So he went to the club he son was at. He paid for the ticket and once inside, he grabbed a microphone and said: "Miguel, your father will be waiting for you outside."

Miguel was in the middle of the dance floor and he recognized his father's voice in astonishment. After a look at his watch, he furtively went outside where he found his father, who said "Hi, son! Let's go home," with a smile.

Miguel was still astonished, pissed and embarrassed. His father, somewhat sarcastically, added: "I thought your watch might've broken and you'd lost track of time."

Miguel kept quiet the entire trip home and thought of how his friends would make fun of him. But they didn't. From that day on, he learned to be punctual and his parents allowed him to go out with friends once he started keeping his curfew. As days went by, Miguel's parents received phone calls from other parents who thanked them for what they had done, as they themselves wanted to do the same thing but didn't dare. Miguel continued to have a great time at parties. He was popular with friends and girls and learned to make the most of it while he was there, as he had to leave early.

No teenager will be shocked for life just because he is obliged to be responsible. He may be unable to understand it right away, but, if his parents are coherent, he will soon be able to understand their reasons for acting as they do and will see the value behind rules and make them his. In other words, he will build self-discipline.

Permissive parents confuse their children more than parents who act according to criteria. If parents do not set behavioral guidelines, children will be at the mercy of the environment and might be easily manipulated by others and learn the hard way.

Parents who never say 'No' may seem considerate and understanding, but the truth is that they might be allowing their children to go through hurtful life experiences which may cause them hard-to-heal emotional scars.

Some parents, out of fear or lack of confidence, do not allow their children to grow up. They make it so easy for their children that these lose the ability to think for themselves. They make their children live in a fantasy world, so very different from reality. These parents want to solve problems for their children and make a big personal effort to remove every bump in the road so that they will ride it peacefully.

Teenagers are in perfect physical and mental state. They are more lively and creative that one could imagine. We must trust them and treat them according to their great abilities.

There will always be bumps in the road. It doesn't make any sense to remove them. We must be straightforward and clear. We must show our children the bumps in the road so that they don't stumble into them and give them our opinions about the facts of life so that they understand them and assimilate them as their own.

Parents must use their own experience to teach children to overcome obstacles, which are impossible to hide.

If you are consistent with your way of thinking you will be able to give advice rightfully and confidently. Your children will be happy to take your advice if they know about your personal experiences and values.

Tell them more about your life.

Tell them how you managed to overcome obstacles.

Tell them about a very bad experience you had to go through.

In an environment where clarity and trust prevail on both parts, you will build your authority, and then your teenagers will come to you to clarify their numerous doubts.

# Knowing your Children

"I don't know my son anymore," "My daughter is no longer the little girl she used to be..." "She's been changed..." "I don't even know what they think anymore"... These are common statements I have heard from concerned parents when they come to the school for help and guidance. Old measures no longer work; teenagers don't even obey under threat.

There is now certain distance between parents and teenagers. Parents have trouble communicating with them and that is overwhelming. They are looking for answers to no avail.

A couple once came into my office to talk to me about the problems they were having and suggested to have a meeting to talk about it. When I arrived at their house I was very surprised to find over thirty parents who were anxious to listen and talk about their teenagers. I tried to calm them down, as they were my students' parents and I wanted to contribute to their teenagers' education.

I explained to them that childhood does not involve great exterior changes and is a stable stage of growth. Little children are docile, happy and obedient; they do not go through major changes, so there is calmness and prevision on the parents' part. Everything seems to be under control and parents feel they are in charge.

However, change is natural and good. During adolescence, teenagers go through changes that make them critical and unstable. In girls, changes are so abrupt that, one night, a little girl goes to bed, and the next morning, a girl with a physical capacity equal to her mother's wakes up instead. What a change!

During the meeting, parents asked about teenagers' physical changes: growth, development, puberty, etc. Their worries, interest and concerns revolved around these issues. Once we cleared those up I told them that that was just the tip of the iceberg. Physical changes are very noticeable, but unseen changes are much greater and more valuable. It is a person's inner-growth that matters, not just their physical changes.

In these cases, I use a specific statement to describe adolescence that is easy for both youngsters and parents to visualize: Adolescence is bridge that children necessarily have to go over. At the beginning of the bridge, there is a boy or girl that starts to walk. At the end of the bridge, we see a young person who is running to go face life's great challenges.

Teenagers walk the bridge with a backpack containing all five levels of a human person that change on the way. This backpack contains a diamond with various inseparable faces:

Each one of these complements and affects the others. If one of them is damaged or loses brightness, the diamond loses part of its value. It is not our body that has a headache, we have it. It is not our body that gets sad, we get sad. It is not our mind that does not have any friends, we don't have them. We could go on... We tend to separate the different parts and forget about the totality of the human being.

We think division will help us find a quick and effective solution, but reality is more complex than that. A human being has such a rich and deep intimacy and does not talk about it if he or she does not wish to do so.

The teaching process strengthens and develops all students' abilities. We, the teachers, get to see how personal aspects of a teenager's life interfere with the learning process. If we just focus on teaching biology or literature, we fail as educators. We do not have a group of brains sitting in front of us; we have a group of people, each with their own personal history and experiences.

On the emotional aspect, teenagers tend to be impulsive and insecure. They feel strong emotions they have not yet learned to handle. That is why we must teach them to think and discover why they feel what they feel. This will help them to channel emotions positively and to control themselves when necessary.

Sometimes, during class, when I announce an oral evaluation and grab the roll, I can see different reactions in students. Some stare right into my eyes defiantly: they want to show they have been studying. Others keep quiet and look down: these want to go unnoticed and wish their names would disappear from the roll. Some rummage around in their backpacks for books and notebooks, as they may come in handy if their number is up.

Everyone reacts differently because they think differently.

Educating their emotional intelligence and feelings is important for teenagers so that they learn to know themselves and face life challenges.

On the rational or intellectual aspect, we must try to help them develop their own criteria and give them reasons and motives for them to judge the degree of truth in different situations. If we treat them as little children, that is all they will ever be. Adults are more influential when they are steady and honest and help teenagers face their own personal world and responsibilities.

Lies and deceits are patches we use to hide aspects of reality. This irresponsible, evasive attitude makes parents lose authority and reputation. Conversely, by giving them reasons and motives, you are helping them find their own inner world and identity.

On the transcendental aspect of a person, if we do not teach them to have valuable aspirations, they won't be able to set big goals for themselves. This is demeaning and makes them mediocre in the most valuable dimension of the human being. Important questions about the meaning of life and destiny are always present, and they need to be fully answered. Teenagers may seem superficial but they actually have a rich inner world.

Questions about ethical and moral values and about love for Good and for others also need answers. Otherwise we are only taking one part of reality into consideration.

That bridge that is adolescence, teenagers must walk over it with their own style and way of being.

We need to add a railing to this bridge to keep them from falling off.

This railing is made up of open, honest conversations, availability and love. Parents' values, advice and guidance will work as a support for teenagers to lean on when they need to. Teenagers do not need crutches to walk; they need a railing not to fall off the bridge.

When a parent has strong beliefs and they really try to manifest them, the railing appears on the bridge. Their kids will be able to grab them and walk more safely and confidently.

Unfortunately, there is a growing number of teenagers who have no parental support; teenagers whose only source of support is their friends. There is a great number of absent parents, whether due to wrecked homes, or inattention and comfort.

In order to know a teenager we need to take into consideration all the aspects of a person. It is necessary to be a realist, as they are. Transmit confidence to them because they do not have it. Clearly show them the railings so they will lean on them if necessary. Let them walk over the bridge their own way and enjoy the view the world has to offer.

# Discovering their Talents

I remember the time I was invited to a tribute-paying ceremony held by the school to honor a distinguished neighbor of the area. Most students came from low income families and a complex social environment.

At the beginning of the ceremony the alumni and the flags entered. The student body (consisting of over five-hundred students) was not organized by grade levels, as it has always been done. Instead, it was grouped by talents: there was a group of those who were good at math, another of those who were good at sports, social sciences, art, and so on. Every student was good at something. At first, I found it unusual and untraditional. Later, I understood the message the school was trying to convey: there was something positive about each student and it was worth highlighting it.

When I went over to say hello to the principal, I told him I was proud of the students, and he said: "If you treat them like the person you'd like for them to be, they will probably become that person."

That student parade has been very useful for my work as a teacher. I have realized that if I think a student is not going to get good grades and he sees my low expectations, he won't try to excel himself.

Finding talents is no easy task, but it is absolutely necessary if you are a teacher. Some teachers may get used to averages and lower the bar to avoid making big efforts, which does not stimulate students' hidden potential.

Parents do not have to evaluate their teenagers systematically, but they may risk having their children settle for an average objective, unless they demand and inspire them. When we see successful people we often fail to see the perseverance and effort behind their success. We make a pact with mediocrity and easy success is preferable.

Every time a student makes an effort, we know that there is a parent behind them, encouraging, inspiring, cheering them up, which reminds me of a family I used to know. The parents were coherently demanding with their children; they firmly demanded good grades. They had little economic resources but enrolled their children in music and language courses. They knew they were demanding and their children complained about it but still responded to the parents' commands. Now these children have grown to be great professionals. Their knowledge of languages and the education their parents provided them with have given them great advantages in their careers. They learned to excel themselves and not to settle.

In the environment we live in, it is common to be afraid to stand out. Someone who stands out will probably cause envy and be criticized. When faced with the uncertainty of the future, a fatalist mindset is enough for us not to work hard and perpetuate the current state of affairs. Teenagers get that message and settle for a level below theirs.

We can demand students lovingly, reinforce their abilities and bring about the opportunities for them to develop those abilities. Teenagers like challenges and need to prove their abilities to themselves.

I have met many parents who demand with initiative and creativity.

There was a guy called Arthur who made a work team with his two sons. They fixed things around the house over the weekend (troubleshooting electrical problems, doing carpentry work, gardening, and the like.) Arthur taught them how to handle tools as well as other tricks having to do with fixing things. They became very skilled at that. Now they do not just save money, they also help neighbors who pay them for their service.

Monica always liked open-air activities and her children became used to going out to parks and the countryside to discover the wonders of nature. She organizes outings with her daughter to collect plants and leaves and they enjoy flower-arranging at home. After a while, her daughter became quite an artist and whenever they need to give someone a present, they always have dry flowers nearby.

I know some parents who don't just allow their children to cook, but they also demand creativity and professionalism. Overtime, they become experts and throw surprise barbecues for the entire family.

When teenagers develop some kind of ability, their confidence and sense of belonging increase. This shapes their character and they can solve new problems with initiative and creativity.

I know other parents who bust their butts to give it all to their children. They cover all their whims and demands. As years go by, they realize their children have grown to become incapable-of-doing-the-bare-minimum good-for-nothings. They have covered material necessities but have not allowed their children to develop some sort of skill. As they are so used to easy success, these children feel frustrated when facing an activity involving effort.

I have heard parents say: "I have given them everything so they don't have a hard time, and now... I don't know what's wrong with them."

My answer to this is always the same: "Try giving them less and devote more of your time to them."

In the society we live in, it is easy for teenagers to let their impulses drive them without considering the consequences. Their arguments are poor and they are oversensitive. If we do not guide them, their impulsiveness makes them act according to their momentary whims, without considering whether or not it is convenient.

When parents strengthen and stimulate their teenager's talents, they are preparing them for their future life. They may no longer give gifts, but they inspire the development of abilities and skills. When parents reinforce and value their teenagers' abilities, the foundation for their personal life project is built. We are talking about teenagers with initiative who are not afraid of conformism or the real world.

Easy success, like dreaming about winning the lottery, apart from being too stress-free, causes loss of interest in the present time and loss of control of the future. It is better to teach your teenagers to make their own choices so that they will have a future of their own by means of their own abilities.

They will be able to parade through life like the students at the high school I mentioned earlier, each one having a specific talent. All it takes is to leave comfort aside, keep a positive outlook and not settle for "average."

Bear in mind what the principal said: "If you treat them like the person you want them to be, they will probably become that person."

# Please, No Adlibbing!

After a few years of experience as teachers, we are able to teach a class without preparing it. When faced with a last-minute change, we are able to improvise and make it through the class.

Even so, we know that the best classes are those that have been well prepared: those with clear objectives, activities and evaluation. This way, teachers enjoy their task and students win. Students really learn only when a class has been well planned.

There are circumstances in which we must rethink our objectives. We cannot organize our work thinking about an imaginary group of people. We must carry out our task in front of a very specific group of students with personal abilities and concerns.

Some time ago, I talked to a literature teacher who told me about a class problem she was having. She had just started working with seniors and she was thrilled because she preferred to work with grown kids and the class program suited her. She knew the texts and the writers she was supposed to work with very well. She had come up with a well-organized work plan and had selected a set of entertaining activities for students.

A few weeks later, she realized that something was not working out. Students were showing no interest. They did not want to read and did not care about getting good grades. She tried switching to another writer; she thought she might start with something easier and adjust to the students' interest, which did not work either. Students were still not interested.

But she was not about to give up. One day she got to the classroom and talked to the students. She clearly stated what she thought. Among other things, she made them notice that they were seniors and would be off to college soon. That attitude was not getting them anywhere.

Students started to complain. In that moment, the problem became clear: the students' future was blurry. These were low income students at a high school in small city, where educational offers were unattractive and they had no chances of going to a larger city where there would be colleges. These students knew there were little chances of work in their hometown and were unable to make ends meet. They compared themselves to other teenagers and felt hopeless. They were not sure about what they would do once out of high school. They said they would like to study and improve but there were no opportunities for them. So that explained their lack of interest for current circumstances.

The teacher changed her work plan. She carried out a little research to find information about possible careers for her students. She told them about people who had been granted scholarships because of their good grades. She made them realize that a big part of their future was in their hands, if they were willing to work hard, study and, above all, not let the circumstances bring them down.

Sometime afterwards, the class atmosphere changed. The teacher was able to go back to the study of literary works and the students understood that not everything was lost and regained hope and faith.

Many parents of teenagers think their teaching task is over, that some things need not be clarified. They wish with all their heart that their children be happy but they think that winging it as they go along is enough and they do not stop to really think about their children's future.

Please, no adlibbing!

Back in the day, thinking about the youth's future was easier as it was more predictable, but now it is necessary to take part in it with ideas and suggestions. You grew up in the twentieth century; your children are being raised in the twenty-first century and things have changed. It is neither better nor worse; it is just different. Denying it may make us incompetent and silly.

I have heard some people say that they teach as their parent taught them. Maybe they are right, on some level; personal experience is valuable and having their own role model as a reference may be useful for parents. But you must bear in mind that your son is not you; besides you are educating him along with your spouse and the present circumstances are not the ones you grew up in.

You may have your ideas and principles, you may advice with authority, but you need to have learned what you wish to teach. If you have your own experience of what you wish to teach, it will give consistency to your words. This is the only way to avoid adlibbing.

Some teachers do not specify what they expect from students. They think students know the rules and do not tell them how they are going to be evaluated, so students just try to wing it and do the best they can.

Rules are established when we tell them what we expect; then, students will be able to decide whether or not to take responsibility. When a teacher adlibs, students perceive their ambiguity, get bewildered and give confused answers. When a teacher is not clear on how to evaluate students, it takes longer to get their work done.

It is not enough for parents to have a general goal for their teenagers, such as "wanting them to be happy" or "wanting them to be good people." Teenagers need clues to act and somebody to show them the way. Then, they will be able to continue on their own and follow their own style, but they need to have specific indicators.

We have to give them reasons to act. If they do not act upon strong beliefs they won't be able to make the right choices and will let their emotions (many of them short-lived) drive them, thus becoming superficial and impulsive.

We have to show them the reasons to want. They must experience the value of good attitudes in order to freely accept it and want it. When they lack reasons, they settle for whatever is achieved easily and quickly. They lose interest in important things that will enrich and improve them. We must incite their wish to excel themselves.

Teenagers have energy and faith, but they are insecure. When parents incite motivation for a big goal, teenagers will take the challenge with initiative.

When you improvise, you are trying to find a solution for the ongoing situation overlooking the future. The young get used to that kind of behavior and only notice the present circumstances, without taking responsibility for their actions. Given that their future is blurry, they only live the moment without considering why. They may let others manipulate them or even lose all faith.

Please, no adlibbing!

Your son or daughter is invaluable. In some situations you may have to rethink strategies. The teaching process will need to stop and you will need to think outside the box. Life often makes us forget about goals. Problems and multitasking makes us lose sight of our purposes.

We adlib when we complain about present circumstances, and dream about an ideal future that may never come. Teenagers notice these pessimist signals and lose interest in improving. They may try to hold back when it gets hard or find shortcuts to escape reality.

We adlib when we are not strong enough to resist pressure. We settle for ideas and cultural manifestations that are different from what we think and want.

We adlib when we let time go by and fail to find solutions to problems. We accept things we do not like and do not take measures against them. Teenagers get used to letting time go by. Their possibilities for action decrease and they may become incapable of developing important tasks.

The literature teacher I mentioned earlier had to change the program assigned for her class. She left her academic purposes aside in order to get to the bottom of the problem and start working from there. She changed her work plan to give students reasons to grow.

She left her taste for literature aside to help students regain faith in the future.

# Understanding Authority

In many fields, authority is related to the exertion of power and domination; it is so cherished that when we realize that somebody might take over, we are afraid to lose it. Stamping a document is a symbol of authority, regardless of how bureaucratic and purely decorative it is.

As for family and education, authority has nothing to do with domination. Here, authority derives from reputation. It is a kind of art that needs to be practiced and requires balance, as it is hard to exert.

Teenagers respond to the kind of authority they understand well, not to empty words and lectures on morality. That is why authority does not derive from a teaching license or from a marriage certificate. Authority must be earned by means of specific actions that show comprehension and demand. Even with acquired rights, you must know how to implement them and use them skillfully.

First of all, you must try to be consistent with yourself. Your words –from parent to son or daughter– must be supported by actions and facts. If a teenager sees that your thinking is inconsistent with your decisions, your authority loses meaning to them. This does not mean that you cannot make mistakes, or that your children cannot see them. When you try to be simple and admit you were wrong, your authority increases. Clarity means more to them than the outcome of an action. Coherence and a simple way of being have great educative value in the familial atmosphere.

You are not to be praised by your children, as if you were a monument. You are there to inspire them, be pleasant so that they imitate you; be a role model. Your flaws and efforts to improve reveal values. Teenagers are practical and appreciate people who try to improve.

Conversely, hypocrisy in people and in society causes revulsion in them. They immediately make hard judgments and authority is lost in the blink of an eye. Justice is related to this; teenagers are sensible to the absence of it. They can be pretty demanding in this area. That is why broken promises confuse them.

If you make promises, keep them. If you are not going to keep them, do not make them. Threatening to punish them or motivating them with presents they will never get may be counterproductive. Teenagers learn to see through you and quickly notice empty words. Many times, when parents complain, they are just trying to get something out of their chests because they do not know what to do. And kids wait for parents to calm down and go back to where they were.

Words must be supported by facts. Reputation increases due to actions. There should be less talking and more doing. Teenagers know they must behave; they need to just do it. This is where parents' well-understood authority takes place; we must make ourselves clear as to what we want them to do. Lack of communication or understanding is unnecessary.

Threats do not work on teenagers.

If they are oppositionists, they will try to challenge authority. They will often contradict you and pick up a fight that will wake up the entire neighborhood.

If what they want is attention, they will try to turn your reasons against you and confuse you in a way that you may not even remember what you were getting at.

If they like rematches, they will remember your threats and throw them in your face when you least expect it.

If they are shy, they will be frightened and stay quiet, keeping their feelings bottled-up.

Parents' reputation is made by means of consistent actions which will get a valuable message across. Just giving orders unconvincingly shows little authority.

That is why authority is in the content of your request. Your way of expressing yourself will give an order a higher or lower degree of consistency and value. Nobody can be completely sure about an order, but they cannot be completely unsure either. Trying to teach the way your parents taught you will cause mistakes and frustrations. Teenagers of the twenty-first century are living in times which are different from that of past generations. It is better to teach the same values you were taught. This last premise does have a foundation: there are beliefs we wish to transmit. There are different ways of doing this, but values remain and reinforce the teaching process.

It is common to see parents who let time go by. They choose not to get involved because they do not have a clear purpose or because they have lost their authority. When authority is not well understood, you take the wrong role.

Some parents play Santa Claus all year long and their authority relies on their credit cards. Their teenagers ask for stuff and these parents immediately start buying as if they were obliged to do so. The void caused by lack of love and values is filled with objects and parents feels satisfied as if their parental task was completed. Gifts may be predicated on good actions, but they are often given to teenagers who have not complied with their responsibility and do not deserve it. Generally, parents complain about how hard it is to educate and how damaged some teenagers are, when they should actually buy them less and talk to them more clearly.

Other parents –maybe most of them mothers– are more inclined to take the roles of "firefighters." They are always ready to dampen the "fires" their children make. They are always bending over backwards to get them out of any trouble they get into. If their children forget something they are supposed to take to school, they go out and get it right away. If their children change their mind about their plans, they take them anywhere. If they need money, they give it to them straightaway. They constantly try to justify their children's actions with an excuse and do not demand responsibility from them. Apologies are used to justify any kind of behavior so that the young will not to feel bad. In extreme cases, they talk to a psychologist to help them get rid of the guilt. Some children live in a fantasy world; they do not learn that actions have consequences. The logical self-worth they must have turns into irresponsibility. These kids always blame it on others.

In some cases, parents' reputation and authority are based upon their ability to sort out the mess their kids are in. When these children have to face their responsibilities on their own they realize they are damaged and that their parents' actions were wrong.

True parental authority takes place before the teenagers' behavior: when they act by taking into consideration their parent's criteria and applying their values. It is not about complying with behavioral rules. It is about following a role model and having reasons to live.

A person's behavior does not follow foreign rules. Teenagers need to find the value behind every action and accept it as their own. When a boy learns to act that way, parents' reputation is there. Parents have conquered authority and should not be afraid to lose it.

# Silence Gives Consent

Politicians in their speeches try to be politically correct in order not to hurt anybody or to just be heard and not criticized. Parents, however, must speak firmly, clearly and lovingly.

You do not have to be talking all the time, but it is necessary to be teaching all the time with every action. Teenagers are intuitive and easily make judgments and keenly see through adults' behavior. They look for role models. They wait to see real experiences of specific people, beyond the ways and appearances, which do not matter.

I remember someone said once: "Students learn more from a teacher's experiential knowledge than from his intellectual knowledge." This person was right. Authority is conquered or lost by means of little things.

Some teachers demand neatness and order from students, but they dress as they please and by the end of the class, they leave the board unclean. Other teachers pick up trash from the floor and students do the same without being ordered to do so.

Actions speak louder than words and setting examples is the best way to cause great behavior changes.

The familial environment makes parents love their children for who they are and not for their abilities and behavior. But in that case, too, coherence strengthens reputation.

Teenagers need role models to follow and parents are –they have to be– their main and most important role model. If parents are coherent, they are half the way there, but it is necessary right now to transmit family principles and beliefs (family cultural values) with clarity. Teenagers' values develop from the little things that they see in communal living and from talks with their parents.

Coherence is shown by facts. Trying to hide reality or avoiding uncomfortable situations will only lead to deceit and complicity. If you take that road, whenever you wish to use your authority, you will find that you have lost it.

Peter was sixteen years old and liked to drink and had no control. His friends knew him well. They took him home one night, after some party, in horrible conditions. His mother knew about his behavior too, but did not know how to deal with his drinking. He tried to hide it all from her husband to avoid conflict. She had talked to her son many times and she even threatened with telling his father about it, but that is how far she got: threats only, no precise actions.

She would stay up until his son came back from parties to tuck him in and got up earlier than her husband to clean up the mess.

She never talked to her husband and was not strong enough to fix Peter's behavior. She kept sleeping very little in order to cover her son's drunken mess.

Her friendly silence did not help Peter to change his behavior. Even though she did not want his son to keep drinking, her behavior was contradictory. Her lack of coherence kept Peter from changing.

It is necessary for mother and father to agree on criteria. Trying to teach on your own is not just inefficient; it also leads to frustration and deceit. Both parents must have a common project for their children and divide tasks creatively. It is not just about a simple educative strategy. Agreeing on criteria builds family coherence which creates confidence in children.

When a parent plays the good guy and the other plays the bad guy, both lose reputation and their teenager gets confused and is unable to build firm criteria for his life. He may be able manipulate reality to get his way, but sooner or later he will face the ugly truth.

When children grow up and reach adolescence we tend to think they do not need any more teaching. Some seem so confident and independent that we think we do not need to be on their case. Although it is true that they are more independent now, they require a special kind of attention. It is not about spending a big amount of time with them, but instead, quality time with them. Parents must be mentally available so that teenagers will turn to them for help and doubts. Some parents may be so busy that teenagers are unable to find a chance to express themselves.

Parents must learn to read between the lines. A teenager's casual commentary may stand for a problematic situation he does not really dare to talk about or does not know how. Teenagers value their intimacy very much and we cannot force them to expose it.

You cannot be only focused on things to do and not pay attention to what is going on in your teenager's life. You must learn to notice red alerts. Although you and your teenager speak different languages, feelings are feelings and we must learn to see them. Even if teenagers give short, ambiguous responses, one must pay attention to the content and in order to do that you need to be available, interested and loving.

In a class I was teaching once, we were talking about body mass. We looked at variables such as height and age to calculate appropriate weight. A fidgety girl in that class was showing no interest. I talked to her but her attitude did not change. At the end of the class I told her that her behavior was uncalled-for. She said she was not interested in the subject at hand and that she did not find it useful. I tried to be patient and explained to her how important it is to have an appropriate weight, to take care of your health and eat well. She did not say a word and just left.

A few days later, I found out that this girl was on the verge of suffering from nervous anorexia and had not been eating well for a while. She was in fact really worried about her weight. I understood that her reluctance to talk about it in class had to do with her personal problem. Without meaning to, I told her something that reinforced her thoughts and made her even more concerned. Not only was she interested in body mass index, but it was also the reason for her possible sickness.

We must learn to discover the hidden meanings in our communications with teenagers and look at possible measures.

When you keep silent, you may be disregarding a certain issue or may be approving a certain kind of behavior. Silent messages speak louder than long speeches. If you do not speak clearly, your teenager will be unable to understand your thinking, or understand it differently. Parents must not be afraid to talk and to call a spade a spade.

If you are watching television and something you do not agree with comes up, it is important to point it out. Maybe your children's first reaction will be one of disapproval, they may think you are overreacting, but they are really trying to understand your opinion. They need arguments. Confrontations serve a purpose as long as you really put forward strong arguments. Otherwise, you will let them down.

Something similar happens with your teenagers' friend's behavior. If you do not agree with something, let them know and be clear about it. Your teenager will take his friend's side, but he will appreciate your opinion. He may say you are wrong, but later on, in a different setting, with his friends, your message will become clear. He will consider what you said and follow criteria.

# Between a Rock and a Hard Place

According to her friends, Sophia threw a fabulous sweet sixteen birthday party.

Some days afterwards, she came to me to show me her party photo album, which contained beautiful pictures and Sophia looked stunning. Some were taken outside. There she was, surrounded by flowers in lovely gardens. In other pictures she was surrounded by grown-ups.

I naively asked to see her picture with her parents. She pointed at a picture and she impassively said:

"Here is a picture of my mom and her husband... Here is my dad with his wife... And this is me and my siblings."

"Are these your grandparents?" I asked.

"No," she said. "This is my grandpa and his wife. My grandma is here in this other picture..."

And then we looked at a few more pictures.

It takes more than seven pictures to get to know the members of a family. Sophia was in all of them. Her loved ones, though, appeared separately here and there for different reasons.

She had to go to more than five houses to show her album to her parents and grandparents. At the party, they were all together, but in real life, Sophia had to pay many visits in order to keep family ties.

This happens to many of my students. Their personal stories are not easy at all. They go through life trying to make the most of the circumstances they were placed in, each gets to go through very personal experiences.

It is not my intention to make a psychological analysis of families or to analyze failed marriages or to describe the situation of single parent homes.

I simply wish to say that reality cannot be concealed. Some teenagers are the stars of many stories, while others are victims.

It would be naïve to say that everything is fine; in many cases, it would be like dreaming and longing about something unreal.

When parents divorce, children find themselves between a rock and a hard place, which is uncalled for.

One thing is parent's marital problems, with the obvious breakup grief; another thing is to let those problems affect children, who, in one way or another, suffer too.

Breakups are hard for everybody, but that does not mean that parents should be irresponsible and selfishly or naively let children suffer.

I remember the time I summoned a mother into my office to talk about her son's academic performance. After their parents separated, his grades began to come down, he was usually late and he started to lose his looks.

His mother came to the school somewhat upset and when I started talking objectively about her son's performance in class, she was pissed.

At first, she made some excuses to justify him, such as her family's current circumstances: "lack of time," "too much work," "lack of money." When I made her realize that it was her son we were talking about, and made her notice that he needed attention and that his future was important, something changed in her. She got defensive and said: "Well, it's just that I am tired of being a mother. I wanna be a woman now. And my son is old enough to be left to his own device."

We finished the talk as soon as possible. She was unable to see the problem she had. She wanted to put her life back together but her son was there too.

Robert's story was a different one. His father and I had a talk and he told me he and his wife were only days away from getting a divorce. He knew that it would affect his son and wanted to cooperate and support him as much as possible. He realistically realized that his son was going to suffer and wanted to help and protect him.

He was honest from the beginning. He was suffering due to the divorce. He had been trying to save his marriage for some time but realized that his relationship with his wife was ruined and did not know what to do. He asked people for advice and they attended marriage counseling with no positive outcomes.

It could be said that this was a peaceful adult separation with well-handled emotions, but Robert was there too.

We made it very clear that personal problems must be dealt with separately, and children should not be hostages to these. Divorcing parents should reach basic agreements on the economic front, custody, education and legal issues. All these issues must be discussed by parents alone, in other words, not in the presence of children. Making children choose is hurtful to them.

I suggested that he be totally honest with his kid and to share with him his feelings and thoughts. Even if it hurts, truth cannot be kept a secret. We must be clear; no excuses, no lies. There is never a real innocent or an offender; in any case, everyone should acknowledge that they are guilty in some way. I told him not to keep things from his son when explaining the situation to him, as he understands everything perfectly well, and to listen to him.

It is understandable that divorcing people pay special attention to their own thoughts and feelings, but it is absolutely necessary to really listen to their children.

We also talked about the visit schedule, as Robert would keep on living with his mother. In these circumstances, parents may risk making up for absence with gifts. These may be used as affection signs to make up for the damage or to feel better. Teenagers realize this immediately and may become superficial and selfish, and even get their way with whims.

Robert's father did not know how to deal with his son's grandparents, aunts and uncles in this new situation. He had to handle things his own way. My advice to him was to never complain about his ex-wife in front of his son. Youngsters may make hard judgments but their hearts can also get smashed. If something was to be changed or fixed, it must be discussed by adults only. This is imperative. The opposite of this harms children; they may become unstable, shy and emotionally damaged.

At the end of the talk we went over the fact that he was still his son's father and should be there for him, and Robert should not back down on goals and dreams.

After Robert's father left, I went over the talk we had. Relationships get hard! Wasn't there another solution than splitting up? Did he really do the impossible to save his marriage?

They evidently finished the relationship on friendly terms, as many do. They both wanted to avoid conflict, but their son was there too. They may be divorcing but they still need to be responsible as parents.

We must build with realism and honesty. We cannot put patches on life. Love is one thing and therapy another. When faced with a failed marriage, reality cannot be hidden, no matter how hurtful it is. Problems cannot solve themselves. It is important to be strong and make an effort to do things right for the sake of children. As evident as it may seem, we must remember –at these stages of the twenty-first century– that children cannot be abandoned.

John was thirteen years old when his parents all of a sudden divorced in a conflictive way. There were harsh fights, disputes and quarrels. His mother moved in with her new partner and took her five-year-old son with her, while John kept living with his father.

Each father came to the school separately to talk about John.

His father was very straightforward. He honestly told me all about it, without making excuses or downplaying the situation. He told me he and his wife had reached the legal agreement that John would spend one or two days a week with her. He also said that John was not really eager to spend time at that house with her mother's new partner. It was a hard and awful situation John found himself in. And his father tried to participate by inciting him to visit his mother.

When John's mother came to the school, she began by asking about her son's grades, but really talked more about herself than about her son. She wanted to see her son more often but he was unwilling to go to her house, and she did not want to pressure him.

Some time went by and I was often bumping into John's father; John was still not seeing his mother.

She called the school from time to time to ask about her son. She asked trivial questions and always ended up saying: "Everything's fine, right? I'm worried about John."

We spoke on the phone in various occasions; all she asked were vague questions about her son, but she never came back to the school. John was used to going straight to voicemail and not having her call him back. Whenever I told John his mother had called asking for him, he got all serious. And when I asked him if he was visiting her, he smiled at me a sarcastically.

By the end of the semester I bumped into John's mother. She was still saying that she was worried about John, but that she fortunately realized that everything was fine.

One time, when I went over to John to wish him happy holidays, he thanked me by saying: "Thank you, teacher. 'Everything is fine...' as my mother would say... You start getting used to it."

# Let's Call a Spade a Spade

In past generations there were some taboos that were not discussed with children. Parents allowed them to find out on their own about some things. There was no need to talk about them or parents did not dare to.

This frame of mind is common among some parents that have come to my office. They claimed that their parents never explained anything to them and they had to figure things out on their own when they found themselves in new situations, lacking knowledge and advice. These are modern parents who do not want their kids to go through the same thing. They correctly think they must talk to their kids about everything. They are convinced that they must prepare them for life and that they must be clear as well as spontaneous.

However, when I talk to my students the impression of parents that I get is quite the opposite. When I ask if they talk to their parents, they usually laugh and say no. When I ask if they know how their parents met and how they became a couple, they give me a strange look, for they don't know. When I ask about their source of information regarding certain issues, they say it is their friends. They would like to talk about sexuality with their parents but they are usually busy or unwilling to answer. Sometimes parents treat them as little children, while others get suspicious: they start asking questions instead of giving answers.

Even if they have every intention of talking to teenagers, they don't, despite the excessive information in the environment.

By "talking" I do not mean about the common biological issues put forward, more or less precisely, in any book or video. I am not talking about issues that receive unhealthy curiosity, either, as it happens in news programs. Teenagers today receive enormous amounts of information, like their parents never did. They learn through television, Internet, the social surrounding, and also through friends; and parents come last.

In an attempt to confront this reality, states and schools try to make up for this aspect of education that is primarily the parents' responsibility. Actually, teaching the facts of life is a child's right and a parent's duty, and no one can take over.

Teenagers do not only start to discover the physical aspect of their lives, they also find their hearts, their way of feeling and becoming emotional. In this way, they start developing their personality. We are talking about people, not statistics or stereotyped behaviors.

Every day I am more and more convinced, judging by what I have seen as a teacher, that it is important to revalue parents' vital role in their children's education. Parents must be confident, for they can do this the right way, and moreover, they are the only ones who can; nobody can fully replace them in that area.

I remember Sean's father. He owned his own business and was on the board of directors of various companies, he was used to having business meeting and making decisions. He was responsible for a big number of employees and had proved to be skilled and had reached great professional success.

One time I asked him to come to my office to talk about his eleven-year-old son. I suggested that he stayed close to him, regardless of his multitasking. I suggested that he talked to his son man to man about the changes that were going on in his body and personality.

Sean's father told me he had never talked to his son about those issues and that it was really hard for him to do it. He would rather negotiate the purchase of a company than facing Sean and talk about sexuality. I encouraged him by saying that he was the only person who could do it and that his son was growing up even if he still saw him as a little kid.

A few days later, Sean told me in class that he was very happy, as his father had talked to him and he now knew everything; and he felt older because his father had talked to him man to man.

Also, I received an email from Sean's father telling me about how hard it had been. It felt like the hardest business deal of his life. We decided we should go get some coffee sometime and keep talking about tough businesses.

There is so much information going around. Not everything is true or convenient. Sometimes it is hard to find the appropriate kind of information. The knowledge that parents have of their teenagers, along with their love for them, creates the appropriate environment in which the information can be used wisely and help teach each child.

If you look at your old life, you may think you do not have the authority to talk to your children. You have been through so many bad experiences and have so many wounds in your heart that you honestly do not think you should be anyone's role model. But you do not need to be an ideal figure in order to be able to help and teach your child. Nobody is perfect; not you, not your child. Your personal experiences may turn into wisdom. Your authority and reputation do not just stem from your actions, but from your interest and love for your children as well. You have the right and the duty to do this, for your son and for society.

Your personal coherence will strengthen your words, but your child will listen to you because he values you and loves you for who you are.

Many parents wish they had a guideline on how to do things right or how to talk to teenagers without failing. They want a foolproof method. However, there is not just one unique way. Every family has their own way of doing things and goes through different challenges. Every son and every daughter is different.

Maybe the following pointers may help you:

The sooner, the better. The information that teenagers receive from the media is stored in their minds and may twist reality and become a source of concern. The models they find may be so confusing that they get bewildered. Parents must help them from an early age to know themselves and to be respected, so that they grow with a higher degree of confidence. It is better to start showing obstacles as they come along, as opposed to healing wounds after stumbling and falling.

However it comes out. Don't worry about how to say things. The important thing is to transmit a message with clarity and to be understood. We must call a spade a spade. We must be realists and honest. Your teenagers will understand because they trust you.

Transmit your thoughts. Teenagers do not really need someone to explain them things. They need to know what their parents think about it. They need reasons and criteria for their own lives. What their parents think is more valuable to them than any scientific report. Your way of thinking helps them create a critic eye for reality and gives them self-assuredness and confidence. They start building their values scale based on their parents' criteria.

Speak your heart. In this social environment, there can be certain relativism and you may think nothing is for sure. You may be afraid you are wrong; you may think that whatever you have to say will not help your children or you are afraid of thinking differently. This happens because you may have strong mental fixations. Speak your heart. Talk about your beliefs, even if they seem old to you. The steadiness of your values will become your children's support when facing difficulties.

Be an optimist. You must manifest this when talking to your teenagers. Talking about the dangers of the environment and focusing on negative aspects is not as effective as talking about ideals and projects. Optimism is intriguing and it stimulates; while pessimism leads to unhealthy criticism, and not to positive results. You may become one of those who think that "the world is upside down", thus losing energy to act when you have to. If you have a positive outlook on things, you will teach your teenager to value good attitudes. Challenges and opportunities are stronger than unknown fears and dangers.

Don't become your child's friend. You shouldn't try to be another friend of your child's. They expect you to play the role of their parent. In that position, you will be able to help and correct them. Anything else confuses and bewilders them.

I suggested Owen's father, when he passed by my office, to get closer to his fifteen-year-old son, in order to guide him in issues like dealing with girls and how to behave himself at the parties he liked going to.

Owen's father really took my piece of advice.

One Sunday, he invited his son to go with him to a bar for a drink. Owen was taken by surprise, for that was not his father's style. At the bar, Owen asked for a beer. Owen's easiness caught his father's attention, but he said nothing. Then, his father said, as if he were apologizing, that he realized they had never really talked before; that Owen was in a stage of growth and that they should talk with clarity; that was why he had asked him to go to that bar and that he wanted to be his friend...

Owen laughed sarcastically and said: "Look, dad, cut the crap. I already have friends. What I need is a father." He stared at his father and kept drinking his beer.

# When Teenagers Screw Up

I heard some comments about Joshua's behavior and I thought they were only rumors, as I had heard similar comments some other times. People talk for the sake of talking. Joshua was a fifteen-year-old student and I was his academic adviser. We were supposed to have talks periodically for me to follow his academic path and advise him. A couple of months went by and we were getting to know each other a little better, academic conversations gave a little way to more personal conversations. He wanted to talk and I was supposed to listen.

He told me about his behavior, which was clearly inappropriate. He said he realized his personal life was sinking, and if he kept it up, he could be compromising his future. I listened to him with endearment and I understood him, but I realized the seriousness of the matter. I cheered him up by saying that everything was not lost. He wanted to change and that was important. I suggested that he be totally honest with his parents; they would help him find the right solution.

Joshua was aware of his behavior and that he needed to change, but he did not dare say anything to his parents. He asked me to talk to them. For teachers, these kinds of requests take place every now and then, but they are never desirable. I was supposed to face an absolutely awkward and unpleasant situation. In this case, I was the only person who could do something. Joshua trusted me and I could not let him down. I knew his parents, his family; I knew their frame of mind; that's why it was harder for me.

I arranged to have a talk with Joshua's father. I told him about the talk I had with his son. I clearly and delicately transmitted the details of that talk to him; I did not want him to be offended. He was speechless. He confessed he was upset for his son's lack of trust in him: why did he turn to a teacher instead of his father?

Then he felt guilty. He thought he had made a mistake raising him up, he thought he left him alone. He started to suffer and blame himself for all of it.

As I had known him for a while, I was honest with him. I knew Joshua had not been left alone. I knew his father had not raised him wrong. Regardless of hardships and special circumstances, the one who made a mistake in this case was Joshua.

When teenagers make a mistake, parents' task becomes more important. It is not worth blaming yourself. It is time to act even if your heart is shattered. I suggested that he talked to an expert and told him to contact me if they needed anything.

Joshua's father's attitude is a model of realism and strength I will always remember as many other stories that will always be kept in my memory. Now I realize that these have been a source of inspiration for many other moments in my work as a teacher.

Experts told Joshua's father that his son was in a harmful environment and that he had to take firm measures. So he decided to move to a different part of the country, but kept working for the same company. It was just the two of them; father and son, and they spent weekends with family. The father focused fully on his son. They went to the movies, to football games and spent a lot of time talking. With his father's understanding and the expert's help Joshua started to improve. His father was aware of the great economic and familial effort and sacrifice he was making; but that is what he and his wife had decided. Joshua needed that attention and they had to provide it, regardless of the effort.

I was eager to hear from them and talked to Joshua's father from time to time to support and encourage him. After his first logical reaction of sadness and failure, they decided to take the right measures in order to win the battle in favor of their son. They did not lay back to feel sorry and blame each other. They accepted reality without downplaying it. They took it as a personal challenge everybody should get over.

Some time afterwards, they realized they had done the right thing. Joshua put his life back on track. Today he is a business person and has a lovely family. His personal experience has helped him understand that his children are the most important project he has in his hands. Some time ago he told me how much he feels he owes his parents. Their attitude was his salvation and he was able to realize his misbehavior.

The final result of children's mistakes will ultimately depend on the parents' attitude. It is necessary to have open, honest conversations. Being available is important. Work and multitasking make it hard to find time to deal with teens. We wish to sleep during the very little time we have to ourselves and we would like for them not to bother us. A big part of being a parent of teenagers is about showing interest and willingness to answer questions.

Being there for them does not mean playing the part of a judge and lecture your children all the time. Parents must be available for the moment the boy or the girl turns to them with questions and doubts, that is when they come in.

Teenagers express themselves by means of short sentences: "no problem," "everything's ok," "sort of," "yeah," "no," and the like. It is necessary to develop intuition to discover doubts and problems that may be hiding behind short sentences. We cannot expect them to expose facts and feelings when these may not even be so clear to them.

Teachers, at times, fail to take action when they are supposed to. Sometimes because of comfort, other times because of fear of making mistakes. Working with people is a much more delicate task than working with objects. Sometimes they do not understand students completely and settle for a mediocre academic performance and do not allow them to reach their full potential. It is hard to take measures and find solutions, but that is our responsibility and no one else's.

Something similar happens to parents. They put off resolving problems and then it becomes even harder. Time does not solve problems. In some circumstances it makes sense to wait; in others, it is best to take action and take measures.

I remember a couple with three kids. The mother had heard some comments about her youngest son and his friends. She immediately called the other mothers, to no avail. She asked one of her older sons to talk delicately, yet firmly, about drugs to him. Nothing really clear came out of the conversation; just "sort ofs", whisperings and clichés, but not clear information.

The mother knew nothing about marijuana. She never had any problems in that area with her older sons, and, as long as she was concerned, drug addiction was other people's problem. Except it wasn't. Unbeknownst to her, her youngest son had been smoking marijuana with his friends for some time now.

The mother realized something had changed in her son and started to do a little research, she decided to act and find solutions. She first talked to addiction experts who shared with her details about behavior and habits of drug addict teens. They also explained to her the social situations in which addiction takes place. They had to make her smell marijuana because she really didn't know anything about it.

Then she went to the school to talk about the matter. She talked to me and explained the situation. Up until that moment, it was all assumptions and she wanted to be sure. I told her to count on me for whatever she needed, as she waited for the results of her research.

The mother felt insecure about her actions. She wanted to confront her son directly, but when she tried doing that, she got nothing. She felt bad, acting as a detective, but at the same time, she wanted to get to the bottom of the issue and solve it. With the help of her husband and her other children, she solved the enigma; they found marijuana in the youngest son's bedroom and figured out where he was smoking it and with whom.

They went to the school to tell me all about it. I thanked them for trusting me and encouraged them to find ways to help their son.

The entire family came together to help him. They followed the expert's indications. Their son accepted the help and sometime afterwards the situation changed completely.

Two months later, I talked to them again. The mother was thrilled for helping her son, but she was alarmed. She talked to other mothers and they denied everything. They didn't want to complicate things and despite the evidences, they didn't want to stand and hear that their sons were doing drugs. So life went on.

One of the kids whose mother was denying everything used to be a student of mine. He had been an addict for some time and he went from marijuana to cocaine. Some students told me that his situation was getting worse. He would do drugs at home and left Ziplocs containing cocaine under the bed. I talked to his mother so she would open her eyes. I told her everything I knew so that she would take some action towards helping her son.

A few days later, she came by the school to talk to me. She told me not to worry: what was under the bed was not cocaine; it was flour.

I asked "How do you know?" and she answer with a smile on her face: "I asked my son and he told me it was flour."

# Acting on their Behalf is Demeaning to them

Every adult has experienced failure from time to time. We were supposed to face new situations that did not work out as we planned; circumstances did not pan out as we expected, or we simply made a mistake in the decision-making process.

We don't want this to happen to our kids, we don't want them going through the same things we went through. We want to protect them so that they don't suffer the consequences of their mistakes.

It makes perfect sense that we want to protect them. Protection is a sign of love, comprehension, authority and trust. But protecting them does not mean we should assume their responsibilities. When parents do their children's tasks for them, in an attempt to help them, they are not allowing them to grow and children won't be able to develop as individuals. It is not convenient for parents to carry out those tasks that children can fulfill on their own. In many cases, parents do what children should be doing, for efficiency or to avoid conflicts. These parents are going way too far and their teenagers may become useless and lazy.

Something similar happens with teachers. When a student asks for help during a written test, we naturally want to help them a little and whisper the answer to them, hoping we won't be heard by the rest of the students. We are tempted to help and it makes us look good, but we are not really helping. The right thing to do is to make students think on their own. It is okay to drop hints, clarify doubts, but the answer must come from them. Telling them the answers is getting them out of trouble, by taking their place. It is a little deceit, in which students and teachers become accomplices, with no positive outcome for any of them.

I remember Natalie. When she was born, blood oxygen levels dropped and it caused her mobility impairment. She suffered from muscular hypotonia and her body mobility was slow and clumsy. She was the eldest in a family of four children. It took her longer to start walking and when she started school, it was hard for her to write and draw.

When I met her, she was a high school student. Her mother always encouraged her to work hard and to stand on her own feet. At home, she was expected to do her tasks, like everybody else, even if it took longer. When she helped in the kitchen, she dropped more ingredients outside the pan than inside. When doing the dishes, one of them was usually broken. Her mother never became upset for her untidiness or the broken dishes. But Natalie was expected to finish her tasks and clean up the mess. Her mother really helped her become an independent person.

It was even harder on her mother. She had to clean what Natalie "cleaned" and tidy up when she was not around; but she knew she could not take her daughter's place.

Natalie grew up to be confident and she was protected. When she reached adolescence she did not feel diminished when comparing herself to her friends. She knew she was a valuable human being and that she could handle things on her own, even if it took longer. Due to her perseverance and dedication she finished high school with good grades, regardless of her condition.

Teenagers have great potential. They can do so much and they can easily adjust to circumstances. They can feel they are expected to act and do their best or they can get used to being lazy. This is what parents must weight. Protection and demand are not opposites.

Making teenagers comply with their tasks is harder than doing it ourselves. But teenagers need to show they are not little kids anymore and accept the challenge of their responsibilities. Acting on their behalf does not allow them to grow up.

There are parents who think that children will always be little, that their fifteen-year-old child is still the little baby he used to be or that obedient girl who brought happiness to everybody. These parents have a distorted notion of the passing of time in their kids. Teenagers see this and either pass judgment on that or take advantage of it.

Sometimes, pathetic things happen.

I remember Austin's mother. Austin was fourteen and had to take a pill every morning at eleven because he suffered from bronchitis. His mother called the school every day to see how he was doing. He was responsible and never forgot to take the pill. He was embarrassed having to announce he had taken it every time his mother called.

His mother did not just call to hear about her son's health; she called for any reason: to tell Austin his father would pick him up, to tell him she would pass by the school to hand him the notebook he left at home, or a coat –because it was getting cold– and the like.

Austin started to get really upset. He felt diminished in front of his classmates and ended up confronting his mother in public. He became disobedient and started not to tell her or ask her for anything. This reaction on Austin's part only made his mother more concerned, as she thought his friends were a bad influence on him, that he was keeping secrets and that it was her responsibility to find out, in order to protect him.

His mother got sick because of so much concern. Austin's attitude changed now that she was sick. He tried to understand her; he cheered her up and helped her as much as he could. However, she still thought that Austin was hiding things; even now that she was sick from trying to help her son so much.

Teenagers need to know they are able to carry out important tasks. They need to show they can be useful. Sometimes, they daydream. They wish to develop a life as adults, but at the same time they are insecure, they are afraid of making mistakes. When they are treated as little children, they get upset.

It is important for parents to trust him and assign them tasks so that they show they can do them. Showing their skills is what makes them confident and makes them respond to their parents' demands seriously. Parents lose authority when they give specific orders to teenagers so that they do not to screw up, or when they give teenagers advice without them asking. Some words show that we still regard them as little children. They easily see this and become upset.

# Daddy-boy; Mommy-girl

Every so often I talk to students about the posters they hang up on their walls.

Boys and girls look for figures according to their likes and values. As they are getting to know themselves, it is easier for them to have points of reference. Teenagers really need to relate to someone in order to feel more confident. Given society is too big –they are unable to face it due to lack of information– they try to narrow society down to a group of friends. Feeling that they belong to a group means being accepted by others; thus, by society.

Their search for identity makes them want to be differentiated. They don't want to be adults, they want to change society, or at least, they want to be different.

When we see boys and girls from different urban tribes, such as, skaters, floggers, emos, darkies, they may call our attention, but also, we are concerned about their way of facing life and what they may think of society.

Some of my students belong to some of these tribes, and I respect that. I admire their preferences. However, extensive research will find that their only identifier is either a certain kind of wardrobe or music. I see no solid views in this or any strong beliefs. They take pride in their wardrobe or fervently defend their favorite music style. So, to be honest, we must admit that it is just about an expression that stems from the willingness to find identity. The void of principles is filled by wardrobe and music.

Something similar happens in love matters. Adolescents try to find points of reference which are hard to find because the matters of the heart are more intimate and valuable. Nobody likes trial and error tests.

Teenagers must feel that their family is the first group they belong to. That is where they must first be understood and supported. Not only because it is their natural place of growth and development, but because it is family members that will appreciate them completely, in other words, will appreciate more than just clothes and musical preferences.

Many times I have talked to parents about their children's emotional education. They are really interested in that and ask for help in that area. They look for a general solution to fix everything as if there was one. Unfortunately, magic does not exist. Each person's reality is more complex than it seems. It is not about fashion or a tattoo. It is about the heart, love matters and important decisions.

It is necessary for parents to become referents for their children in this area. They need to truly guide, advice, and teach them to handle themselves with freedom and confidence. An authoritative parent or a fix-it-all genius is no longer efficient.

Sometimes you must go back to the beginning, to vital principles and ideas to start building. You may need to ask yourself: "What do I expect from my child?" "What values scale do I have and wish to transmit?"

When they ask themselves these questions, many parents may want to prevent: "I wish my son to develop bad habits". Or they may have a more complete, superior outlook: "I wish my son will be able to develop a good emotional life, acknowledging his value as well as others'." It all depends on how convinced a person is about their goals, and on whether they are strong enough not to give up when feeling pressure.

It is necessary for both mother and father to act together. They must really get to know each child and learn their weaknesses and strengths in order to be able to guide them and propose a life project according to family values. This does not mean that father and mother must act the same way; they must agree on ideals and act independently. Unity is a manifestation of coherence, and diversity of action adds creativity to the teaching process.

Both parents play a complementary role. They don't have to compete. When one of them acts overly bossy, there is a disruption in the educative process. Parents' personal completion is shown by the complete maturity of each child in every dimension of the human being.

A mother teaches as a woman and a father teaches as a man. Equalizing does not mean standardizing. Equality of rights and duties stems from the logical consequences of each parent's influence. Differences and nuances make life pleasant and enrich educational roles.

In the first place, teenagers want to find behavioral patterns in their parents that they can relate to. When these figures let them down, they try to find answers somewhere else.

A mother is a reference for her daughter. Intimate conversations between them will define her way of dealing with life, many doubts will be clarified and her female being will become stronger. The mother, by means of her behavior, will teach her daughter how to act around men. Sharing makes it easier for the girl to handle her free will. She will be able to lean on her mother-woman's strong beliefs when it comes to making choices.

A mother also transmits the high value of femininity to her male child. Motherhood helps a son to be prepared to be affectionate and practical. He will discover the dissimilarities and different ways of acting and thinking. He will be able to lean on than figure as the core of his affective behavior.

Regardless of current psychological or ideological theories, it must be noted that a father plays an irreplaceable role in the life of his son and in his process of finding his identity. A father who is aware of his duty does not walk out on his son. If a father is currently not participating in the affective and personal education of his son, he is either a past-century father or is simply irresponsible and does not understand his paternal role.

Maybe in the past, parenthood was easier. The difference between right and wrong was clearer. Now everything is about tolerance, as an ideal that downplays any point of view. The pressure of the outside world has great influence on whoever wishes to guide and advise. We are afraid we may be regarded as intransigent.

It is not about picturing life in black and white. But today, relativism makes our vision of the world a little dim: "It doesn't matter," some say. "Fine by me." However, we are happy to find the silver lining that sheds some light on our path. Parents may and must show their kids the silver lining and important facts that will guide them.

# Facing the Outside World

We could compare the learning process to an onion. This comparison is used by many educators. We have to peel many layers off before we get to the center, where the lesson is completed. The task of peeling an onion is not complete until we get to the center.

Something similar happens with children's maturity. Little children need to discover the world around them. Lights, voices and sounds cause some sensations in them that help them grow. This is the outer layer of the onion. This layer represents a long stage. Given reality's complexity, we are constantly learning something, it could be said this is a never-ending process.

Puberty represents another layer of the onion. Children have now deeper knowledge about their body and its manifestations. Physical appearance is now more important as it has repercussions on every person. It is all a big discovery involving behavioral changes and some notions are developed for their entire lives.

During adolescence we get to the center of the onion. The boy or girl comes face to face with their heart: they come to discover and experiment their inner world and feelings. They start to cherish their inside and to mingle with the people of the surrounding they find themselves in.

A person's heart says a lot about their character and way of thinking. The superficiality that surrounds us makes us forget about what's important, and we start getting used to appearances.

Discovering one's heart and feelings is no easy task. Mistakes cause hard-to-heal wounds. Teenagers realize how valuable their inner being is and protect it fervently. They are afraid of screwing up. When they experiment confusing, disorienting mixed feelings, they get insecure. They are comfortable around their friends, who work as a testbed for their intimacy. All their friends are in the same situation and they all feel understood and supported by each other. Sharing with friends strengthens character and identity.

Teenagers must face various difficulties. There is their lack of experience and knowledge on one hand, and social models –which do not fit into parents' goals– on the other. When facing a real situation, parents may act in many possible ways; they may unwittingly be mortgaging their children's future. Let's look at some examples.

We may see parents that wish their children don't develop bad behaviors. Other parents overprotect their children, not allowing them to grow. The outside world is so dark, they say, there is nothing left to do than to lock yourself away. Their outlook is so negative that they see danger everywhere.

Locked away under a dome

I met Edward when he was fourteen years old. He barely talked to people. During recess he stood alone and didn't socialize with his classmates. Logically, I became concerned about him and wanted to understand his behavior.

He had no siblings. Although he always lived near the coast, he first went to the beach when he was twelve, during a school outing. His parents were very critical of the world. Because of insecurity on streets, they took him to school and then picked him up, even if he had to be waiting around for them. He didn't go to school when it was raining. Sometimes, his father escorted him from the car into the school under his coat, so he wouldn't get wet. He did not visit anybody and did not have people over either. He was lonely and unable to develop emotional bonds because of the fears that had been transmitted to him.

However, he spent a lot of time watching unsupervised television. So, even if their parents didn't want it, danger found its way into the house anyway. His world consisted of television shows and its characters. In his outside world he was protected under the dome his parents created, but at home he was not.

Today, Edward is eighteen and his parents continue to look after him. He still allows his parents to do as they please. His world is influenced by what he sees on television. His inner conflict is a big one and his indifference to the outside world has perpetuated for many years.

When the current culture is constantly criticized and people long for better times that are in the past, it seems as if the best call is to hide, lock yourself away and protect yourself. But the reasons for criticizing are illogical. Subjective and generalized opinions are transmitted sometimes. Many times, these stem from personal experiences.

When facing attitudes like these, teenagers become submissive and insecure. They either lose their ability to face problems or may become critical of their parent's views, thus becoming a rebel and go their own way.

Throwing in the towel

At times, teaching becomes hard. Parents need to be persistent and work hard. They must outdo themselves and get through unpleasant situations. General theories are not enough. When there is no logical reasoning for practical situations, we slowly start getting used to it; we lose sensitivity and lower the bar. We start accepting behaviors we would have rejected some time ago.

At school, we realize straight away if there is a mother or a father behind a student, motivating him and making him stronger. Unfortunately, this kind of parents is harder and harder to find. Parents lower their standards, give up on their goals due to social pressure or because they don't want to make matters worse. They get used to letting time go by and give up their duty. "I don't understand my son anymore..." "I don't know what to do..." "He doesn't listen to me anymore..." These are common statements from parents who have decided to quit. They throw in the towel; they give up on their children's life project. The outside world is stronger. They are tired of struggling and find no solutions.

Cindy's father was a hard worker and very competent in his field. He would spend many hours working to give the best to his family of six children. When he lost his wife, most of his children were grownups but his youngest daughter –Cindy– was fifteen. The eldest children had their lives pretty much figured out, they were studying and working. They were raised to be responsible and had their parents' support and didn't cause any trouble. They were all very independent and helped around the house. They stayed together after their mother died. But there was Cindy.

She had a strong character, many friends and was independent; she managed to deal with anyone whenever she wanted to get something. She liked to party a lot. At school, she did the bare minimum only not to repeat the grade. She was taught as her siblings. Her parents were there for her, taught her to be responsible and confident. But Cindy started to change into a different girl. Things got complicated. She became disobedient. She spent the night at her friends' house without her father knowing. She did not comply with curfews, she was always late. There were times when nobody knew where she was or what kind of life she was leading.

Her father tried talking to some experts but they told him there was not much to do; that her daughter only needed to have clear boundaries. He constantly received calls from the school to notify him his daughter was late. He also received calls about her grades. Even Cindy's friends' parents called him to advise him and give him suggestions.

After three or four big fights with his daughter, everything seemed to go back to normal, but soon she started to misbehaving and disobeying again. Cindy was having a good time; she did as she pleased. Her father was the only one who was concerned.

He got tired of trying to find solutions and gave up. He threw in the towel. He focused more on his older children and did not want to keep confronting his fifteen-year-old daughter. Cindy's character and the outside world were stronger than him. He did not want to find trouble every day after getting home.

Cindy kept behaving the same way. Nobody set behavioral guidelines and she kept drifting away.

Giving them resources for them to use

Human beings are not machines. We do not have an autopilot to takes us where we want to go. We are in charge of the rudder in our own lives both when it is sunny and when it rains. We do the best we can in every new circumstance or situation.

During adolescence, boys and girls start building their identity. They need to discover and define who they want to be. This task becomes a very important search for them.

Their identity is not built with theories. It is built from the relationship with others and the world they live in. Although their parents are points of reference, they are the ones who build their way of being and thinking, with their freedom and decisions.

It is naïve to just lock them away. To leave them would be to turn your back on them, and that is absolutely heartless. Teenagers need to have resources to help them think, use their freedom and make decisions confidently.

During childhood, it is important to develop some habits that will easily help them develop good behavior. Virtues strengthen and guide behavior.

Teenagers need approval for their behavior and need to be told when they are wrong. They do not need to be pressured about their concerns. Their search for identity raises big concerns and doubts. Adults must transmit confidence, optimism and be firm when they have to. Teenagers appreciate their parents' confidence and think indecisiveness is a weakness; like when something goes unnoticed and "everything is fine", even if the opposite is true.

When we help them not to overreact in the presence with a problem, or think in order to gain an overview of reality, their personal concerns and doubts are cleared.

Those parents who want to become their children's buddy or pretend to be experts become a distorted model. They think this will get them closer to their kids, when they are actually getting far from their parental duties, which is what their children care about.

Parental support and help are efficient when they match the consistency of the words. If you, as a parent, say something, you must get it done. Parents need to lay out clear criteria, so that their children may follow them freely.

Parents who fail to keep their word or who act according to their mood give mixed signals to their children and confuse them; so, they won't be able to decode the message and will get more overwhelmed.

The reason teenagers make questions is not really to learn, but to confirm what they think. If adults give confusing or evasive answers, teenagers will be let down, as they were trying to get clear answers and all they got was weakness and lack of criteria.

# Parents Taking Initiative

Sometimes teachers require students to work in teams. They may be expected to create mockups, prepare an informative board or to gather information about a subject. Sometime later, we realize that they always get together in the same place, and that is because some parents do not like having their children's classmates over.

With a group of teenagers in the house, it usually gets noisy and messy. Since they are such a pain in the neck, it is better if they are at someone else's house. It is easier to have them somewhere else than close and bothering us. It is the only way to be in peace.

This thinking lays out the comfort and lack of interest of some parents who are incapable of acknowledging that their reasoning is wrong and that it should change.

On Mondays, I ask my students about their weekend activities, which seem to be always the same: doing sports, watching television, going to the mall or to some party. On Sundays they usually sleep till noon. And then they watch some more television or visit family. Those who are more responsible as students do their homework to hand it in first thing Monday.

Teenagers seek freedom, but once they get it, they do not know what to do with it. They get together with friends to chat or listen to music, as time goes by.

Parents, of course, take this as an opportunity to rest a little. They mind their own business as money and social skills allow. It is parallel-lives weekends; teenagers and parents minding their businesses separately. Some sort of "social pact" is built; both groups try not to bother the other.

During that peaceful weekend at no time parents and children have a moment to share. There are situations and behaviors that go unnoticed and it may be better not to find out.

Although it may be uncomfortable and you may have to make changes in your schedule, you do not have to be a full-time parent.

At some PTA's I have found some parents who were concerned about how their children were investing their free time, due to curfews and alcohol consumption. There were many complaints coming from overwhelmed parents. They did not like the kind of parties their teenagers went to, but did not know what to do about it.

There was this lady, Laura, a mother with children between the ages of eleven and sixteen, who stood up and said: "I don't mind my children's friends coming over. We do fun stuff."

She told us that she had been talking about that issue with her husband because they were concerned. When their children were little it was unnecessary to take great measures, but now it was time to somehow do something. They decided to buy and electric guitar, a bass guitar and drums. Their children had their friends over and they formed a band.

Luckily enough, they had a garage where they could make all the noise they wanted. They started getting used to those musical evenings and more friends started to come along. Their younger children were taken into the kitchen, where they made pizzas.

The younger had fun cooking and worked really hard to please the elder siblings, the musicians. There was so much people and noise, it was a mess, but Laura was happy. They had a lot of fun and she took that as an opportunity to get know her children's friends better.

Laura finished by saying to the other parents:

"Don't think I wouldn't be happier on my couch watching TV, but this way I'm not worried about my children's future."

When she was done talking I noticed some expressions of praise and shame in some of the other parents. Laura was not complaining about the outside world; rather, she and her husband were creating a fun atmosphere.

Then, other parents started to make other suggestions. There was a parent who commented against initiatives, but nobody paid attention to him, as that comment showed his comfort and unwillingness to take challenges. It was no easy task, but parents came up with numerous ideas. Laura's story made some parents concerned; many of them did not have a garage or the money to buy musical instruments. They had to keep thinking.

By the time the PTA was over, everybody was clear on the need to come up with things to do with their children and friends over the weekend. They could do things that were fun for parents as well, even if that would take extra thinking. It was worth the effort and their children deserved it.

As months went by, I heard about some other parents taking initiatives.

Another mother, Martha, came up with a "movie night every two weeks" plan for youngsters. Her children's friends came over to see a film and her husband got hamburgers and sodas. As they ate, they discussed the film; they had fun talking for hours about the characters, music and plot.

Other mothers joined Martha to help her out. They jumped into the youngsters discussions and told stories of what they used to do when they were young. When the young were actually having fun, they were left to their own devices, so that they could chat in their own style and way of talking and communicating. Martha and the other mothers had fun overhearing them from the kitchen while doing the dishes. For them, it was like a flashback; only, with different expressions.

Hector was another parent at the meeting. He came up with "camping with his son and friends." He laughed when he told me about her wife's reaction when he told her he decided to go camping with a group of youngsters. She reminded him he was a little old for that kind of adventures. And that comment made Hector take that opportunity to camp as a personal challenge.

He took a van with ten boys. They camped near a stream and had the time of their lives. He told me that at night, they gathered around a fire and the boys asked all kinds of questions: what kind of music they liked, how they had asked their girls out, what did Hector look like when he was fifteen... He was amazed at how much they talk and laugh, and above all, at how they talked about doubts and projects.

At first he thought he should hold back, for he did not want to make his son uncomfortable and he was aware that he did not know how to behave around a group of teenagers. Soon he started to realize that were treating him as an adult and, at the same time, tried to imitate him. He realized that teenagers need to know about the views of an adult. Even his son asked him questions, as if he were a stranger, which never happened, even though they lived under the same roof.

Lewis always wanted to make something happen. He liked fishing and, as the practical guy that he is, he asked his son and friends to get on a boat and go fishing. Lewis had a great time. As an expert on the matter, he had to help the young, who were having fun but did not know a thing about the art of fishing. He had to give clear indications and make sure everybody was careful with the fish hooks. His expertise as a fisherman made him look really good in front of his son and friends.

He was really surprised when his son asked him to do it again some other time. A couple of months later, they had made it a habit. When the fishing was good, they got together at night to eat fish. Some of his son's friends' parents joined them.

Lewis also told me about the questions the boys asked him. They openly asked him questions about important issues. He realized that when teenagers trust an adult, they are clear in their way of acting and talking. He realized teenagers need an adult to confirm their assumptions.

The fishing evenings and the get-togethers for fish created an atmosphere friendship and trust. That open and safe atmosphere allowed all kinds of topics of conversation. Many of the parents Lewis met had a mind very much like his and the young became better friends than before.

When I asked Lewis about fishing he smiled and said: "Thanks to the PTA's I don't just have fun fishing; I made some new friends, too. And I'm getting to know my son a little better."

These are real stories about parents who decided to get off the couch to make their children and friends' lives a little easier. Helping teenagers organize their free time is imperative. Inciting conversation and communication is of great help to them. Allowing moments to share with your children helps improve the social environment they are in. It is worth the effort. Teenagers need it and it may turn out to be fun.

# Learning to Be Patient

The world of videogames is fascinating. A videogame can keep you in front of the screen for hours on end. There was a student of mine who lived five blocks from the beach and his feet did not touch the sand all summer long. He became an expert in a videogame reaching a high international score. When school time began, his big summer adventure was reaching that score. His friends had done other things; he had spent no time with them, thus had nothing to talk to them about.

I know a psychologist who is currently studying the influence of videogames in teenagers. She told me these teenagers are exposed to a great amount of violence and fantasy. It is not just about treasure hunting. They are exposed to imaginary situations that have repercussions on their everyday lives. While playing, they must make decisions which, somehow, shape their way of acting and their response to stimuli.

I have observed the consequences that spending too many hours in a fantasy world has on teenagers. It is a more pleasant, easier-to-handle-than-reality world, which they can create according to their liking. Their character may be of the opposite sex, have different clothes, hair, face, and so on. Their behavior may change: they may sleep, steal, kill... If a character serves no purpose, it can be eliminated.

Virtual reality may be inviting and easily changed. After finishing a game, successfully or not, kids go back to the real world; a very different world that cannot be changed by pressing a bunch of buttons.

Teenagers' impulsiveness is stimulated by how easy it is to get points by modifying reality. They start getting used to solving things quickly and cannot tolerate frustrations. They want easy success and do not consider the right ways of achieving it.

Learning to be patient does not mean that teenagers have to be as patients as adults. Instead, it has to do with laying out the necessary ways to achieve something, even if many times, things do not turn out as we expected.

Teenagers tend to create their own vision of reality –which is very different from the real world– according to their liking. They get used to changing it easily by means of technology. When the time comes for them to face real-life obstacles, they dislike the effort it takes to overcome them, thus, they become superficial and lazy.

Teaching them to tolerate frustrations is a way of making their character stronger. Their "use and toss" mentality may be harmful for their growth and maturity. That way, they won't be able to acknowledge their mistakes or change the course of their mistaken choices.

A mother told me she had a little piece of her cellphone broken. She immediately went to a store to have it fixed. They told her they did not fix things at that store and that it was not worth fixing it; it was better to buy a new cellphone. She wanted to have it fixed; she did not want a new cellphone. She took the challenge of finding people who would fix it.

Someone else told her it was going to be a three-day work and that it was better to get a new cellphone. The device was fine, only the broken key needed double-pressing. She decided to keep her broken cellphone. She would change it later on, once the contract was paid off. She did not want to spend money for the sake of it.

She told me her friends laughed at her because she was going through all the trouble of having it fixed instead of simply buying a new phone. Her children were astonished at her attitude. They also did not understand why she was trying to have it fixed when she could quickly get a new one.

This may seem a naïve example, but this helped this mother transmit a message to their kids: it is not always necessary to change something only because it doesn't work very well. The possibility of fixing it is there.

There are many other life situations –more important than a phone– that can be fixed. It is not always necessary to get a new one. Teaching the young about the value of things helps them value other, more important things in life. If material things have some kind of value, people are more valuable.

When we teach them to tolerate frustrations, we are transmitting a message about being strong and hopeful.

We must teach them to be strong to overcome obstacles and accept misfortune. We are not in complete control of circumstances. Not everything happens as we expect. We cannot switch channels; we cannot eliminate characters. Strength involves not letting the wind blow you away, and facing reality creatively and trying to improve it.

This is the way to teach teenagers not to find shortcuts, which are not always the best bet. If we do not teach them to be patient, they will feel resentful, misled and discouraged when they have to face the ugly truth, and may become indifferent and pessimists.

Hope is a source of motivation and self-improvement. Today, hope is regarded as a childish, naïve attitude. Realists have lost hope; they are disappointed due to hardships and they wonder why it is worth waiting.

Teenagers are hopeful about the life they are creating. When they are taught to value efforts, they are being taught to be hopeful. They know they are not doomed to an ugly ending. Their strength and their decisions may turn things around. They can become the master of their own lives.

Teenagers are very critical about their own behavior. They have had experiences in which they screwed up and have doubts. They know they are expected to make decisions, but they know they do not always make the right ones.

Easy success is one of the paradigms of our society. Teenagers are immersed in that setting which is sometimes encouraged by their very parents and facilitated by technology.

So we find superficial teenagers who are now disenchanted and are unable to form mature affectional bonds. They live the moment to the fullest and do not think about the future.

They are afraid of making serious commitments. They are impatient and want it all now. They are incapable of expressing and accepting love, as it takes sacrifice and hope. Disappointment and pessimism make them selfish and immature.

Educating their impulsiveness does not mean they have to become too cautious or conformists. You must prepare them for life without being afraid of fatalistic determinism; and help them become people of balanced mentality and strong enough to excel themselves.

When I bump into former students of mine, who are now grownups, they tell me about their life adventures and personal stories. They tell me about their work, their families and children, and sometimes we talk about hardships. They tell they were able to overcome marriage crisis because they were patient. They could have found easier, quicker solutions, but they were patient. They weathered the storm and, above all, they were confident. They accepted reality as it was and did not daydream about imaginary situations. They faced their hardship the best way possible and the outcomes spoke for themselves.

If we do not help teenagers educate this side of behavior, we may be limiting their ability of personal growth. Easy solutions may cause irreversible damages.

When I talk to some parents I notice confusion in their thinking. They see the value of family life and the importance of a well put-together home, but at the same time they accept the fact that this is hard to achieve in today's society. Deep down, they know exactly what they want for their children, but they let pessimism get to them and they lower the bar.

The pressure of the outside world makes them settle for small goals, they are hesitant when facing hardships and transmit that to their children.

A teenager who is unable to deal with their limitations will become an adult who is afraid of commitment. As a result of this, they may have a hard time at work, as they won't take the initiative of making decisions. With regards to social relations, they won't be able to stand up for their beliefs as they will have a weak personality. On the affectional aspect, they won't be able to have long-term relationships, as they won't be patient enough or willing to make sacrifices.

They may become a premature old person, uneager and hopeless, who failed to be patient and to come face to face with life's great beauties.

# An Old Story

Alfonso was sixteen years old and was about to finish high school. He attended a public school and had always been a good student. He effortlessly got many A's; he would usually study the day before a test and did better than many classmates.

He came from a middle-class family, as most people in his country. He was the second in a family of three brothers. His father was a bank employee and extra hours helped him provide for his family. He was a punctual, responsible worker. Alfonso's mother was a housewife, devoted to her family responsible for household chores. She was friendly and liked to chat. In her free time she visited friends and family to help around if they needed it.

Alfonso's parents were not very strict; they were understanding, spent time with him and loved him. But they did expect him to get good grades at school. Hard work allowed them to take him to a private school –during elementary school and part of high school– of their neighborhood.

His father considered an academic degree to be very important. He went to collage to become a notary but, in the end, he dropped out, given family obligations and extra hours took up too much time and there was little room to study. So, he dropped out in senior year.

He talked to his sons about the importance of being a responsible student in order to become a righteous person. One of his biggest wishes was that his sons would become great university professionals, which he himself failed to accomplish.

Alfonso disliked having his parents pick him up at parties, but his father thought differently; he would not allow his son to be wandering the streets alone late at night.

They reached an agreement to solve this issue: Alfonso would leave the party alone and his father would be waiting for him at the corner. But, if he was fifteen minutes late, his father would go in and get him. Alfonso knew his father was a man of his word, so he tried to never be late. Both went home satisfied for complying with the agreement; the son was able to show his friends he was no longer a little kid whose father had to pick him up and the father was calm knowing that his son was safe in the car with him.

He was taught the importance of being a man of his word. When his father said something, he made it happen. There was trust and freedom between father and son. Guidelines and boundaries were always clear.

Alfonso spent a great deal of time with his friends, who were not very good students. They were normal, average people; many of them did not have the full support of their families. Alfonso started to enjoy spending his free time with them a little too much. He liked hearing about their stories and adventures. He started to feel confused and to show opposition against his father's demand for him to study.

One time, he confronted his father and told him he did not want to study anymore. He said he would like to work and make money, in order to provide for his family.

His father listened to him silently. He knew his son very well and knew it was not about the money. He knew his son would not give that money to his family; he would just waste it over any momentary whim. He realized that his son just did not want to take responsibility for his tasks, despite his potential.

After a while, Alfonso's father broke the silence:

"Finish the year with good grades and will talk about it over the summer."

Alfonso did not like that answer, but it left a little bit of hope in him; by the end of that year, he would kiss the books goodbye and say hello to freedom.

Even so, he became stubborn and irresponsible. He started to disregard homework and devoted more time to his friends. He was often missing classes and wandered around with friends who were also irresponsible students. Lies grew into whoppers and became more frequent.

He missed classes and stayed quietly at home. His mother often visited family in the afternoon so he had the place to himself.

Alfonso knew his parents did not like what he was doing, but he wanted to get his way.

He actually did not know what he wanted out of life, but the present circumstances were boring to him and he wanted to have fun his own way.

When he missed classes he threw parties at home with friends. They had fun gambling and listening to loud music, and his friends brought the booze.

One afternoon when they were in the middle of poker, the phone rang and Alfonso picked up without realizing. It was his father.

"How are you son? Why aren't you at school?" He asked.

"They let everybody out, there was a bomb alert and classes were cancelled," lied Alfonso.

That was the first thing that came to his mind. Student's revolts were relatively frequent in that time so that lie worked pretty well. It could be believable.

His father did not say a word, he just said goodbye and hung up.

Alfonso was concerned about that untimely call, but he kept playing poker, he was about to win the bet and did not want to lose.

Fifteen minutes later the phone rang again. One more time, it was his father, who said:

"Alfonso, I just called the school and there was no bomb. Classes are being held as always. I'm gonna stop by the school on my way home, and then, we're gonna have a little talk."

Alfonso didn't know how to react. Nothing else came to mind. He hung up without saying a word.

He asked his friends to leave. They grabbed their things and got out. He frenetically started to tidy up; cleaning ashtrays; putting things in their place; throwing left-overs away; airing the house as much as possible.

In the meantime, Alfonso's father was at his son's school being informed of his son's recent behavior. His grades were not so bad but he would not be allowed to miss one more day of school, otherwise he would have to repeat the grade. And there were still many months ahead before school time finished.

His father got home. Alfonso was at the door waiting with a nice smile. His father did not look at him. He simply said: "Take your glasses off."

His son did so, knowing what was coming.

The father quietly put his briefcase on a couch and, without saying a word, he started slapping his son across the face. Alfonso tried shielding himself the best he could and overreacted a little by screaming. He noticed that, while his father was hitting him, a fair amount of tears were running down his father's face. That was what hurt Alfonso the most.

A while later, when Alfonso was feeling better in his room, his father showed up and said:

"Alfonso, everything is fine, we're good now, as always."

His son did not dare look right at him or talk. His feelings were so mixed, he did not know how to react; he was mad, ashamed, regretful, frustrated and he could not take the picture of his father crying out of his mind...

A few hours later, Alfonso's mother came home. She noticed her husband and son were acting weird. She asked what was going on but no one answered.

The next morning during breakfast, Alfonso's father said: "I was just thinking that if Alfonso passes all his exams by the end of the year, I could take him to Buenos Aires for the first time."

Alfonso's mother, intuitive as she was, realized what was going on and agreed with a naïve smile. His older brother said that he should go first and that he had never been to that city either, but he was disregarded. Alfonso did not look up from his cup, but he got the message perfectly.

They stopped talking about school and the trip.

From that day on, Alfonso became serious about school. As his grades started to improve, he became more enthusiastic. As for his friends, he only saw them during the weekends. Sometimes he talked to them about the upcoming trip to Buenos Aires, just to brag about it a little; although deep down, he knew he did not deserve it and did not dare to talk to his parents about it.

A few months later, he was the student he used to be. He got good final grades and passed all his exams.

When he got the results of his final exam he ran to his father to tell him about it. His father congratulated him and said he would not expect anything less from his son. He was happy but did not say a word about the trip.

By the beginning of February, Alfonso and his father traveled to Buenos Aires. His father had to apply for a loan in order to travel, but he was convinced that it was worth it.

Alfonso was thrilled. He bought a lot of presents for the entire family and visited many places he did not know.

During the trip he had long talks with his father about how he was going to behave and not deceive him anymore. As naïve as a teenager can be, Alfonso promised his father that he would do two careers and that it was not his plan to drop out of school.

The following year, Alfonso continued to spend time with friends, but he now had clear goals. He took his tasks as a student seriously. He made new friends. An old friend invited him to attend technical meetings that dealt with farming issues; he then decided to become a veterinarian.

It is absolutely not my intention to portray violence as a way of educating. Hitting is wrong and serves no purpose. We may all have personal experiences in that area. If it happens, something breaks inside. It causes is a wound that never heals and we always regret it.

I am not trying to justify a father hitting his son. I am just trying to show the way this father dealt with his teenage son.

Commitment was important in that household. This father busted his butt to provide for his family. His son was lying and manipulating him. He was going through an inner struggle he did not even know how to deal with. His father was not out of control, but quite the opposite.

Alfonso's father knew his son very well and on his way home from school he struggled with how to fix the situation. He knew he could not ask his son to explain himself because he sure had no arguments. And even if he did, it would all be lies. If the father threatened to ground his son, Alfonso would keep manipulating him. So the father decided to act like he did for his son's own good.

The father decided to act violently –maybe too violently– and then he knew just how to motivate his son the way he considered to be adequate. The father's tears hurt his son even more than the slaps.

Maybe when facing similar situations we should think of a different way of getting the same results.

Every mother and every father will be enlightened enough to know which is the right way to act in each case, but they should never lose control. In order for this to be possible parents need to make sacrifices and must know their teenagers as much as possible.

This is an old story. I know precise details of the story because the protagonists are my father and me.

I decided to call myself Alfonso in the story because that was what my parents first wanted to call me; then they changed their mind and decided to call me Fernando. I heard my parents jokingly talk about this.

I wanted to make an allusion to my father –may he rest in peace– in these pages as an acknowledgement to a father of teenagers who had to take action while still insecure, but who used common sense.

My father and I talked about hitting many times. That was the only time he actually hit me.

We never talked about him crying –that, I keep in my soul.

I learned about the loan for the trip a long time afterwards. My parents never talked about debts in front of us.

That event of my life made me go in a different direction. I was able to get out of that dangerous whirl that was making me choke or, at least, blowing my chances of a promising future. This happens to a great deal of teenagers now, and back then it happened, too.

When I became a veterinarian I saw in my father's eyes that he was proud. He looked at me with a smile and said: "Fernando, please don't tell me you want me to take you to Buenos Aires again..."

# Some Final Thoughts

Keep in mind that your son or daughter must feel useful, confident and loved. That is their right and you cannot let them down. No one can take away your responsibility.

It is necessary for parents to be confident, willing to start over and find new solutions if they make mistakes.

I have seen parents who were unable to act as such. They were busy doing something else when they were supposed to take action. Later, when they realized they made a mistake, they made excuses and blame anybody else but themselves.

I have met a great amount of parents who were restless. They wanted the best for their children; they were brave and made an effort to be there for them.

Circumstances play a big part, but they do not define us. When parents truly love their children, creativity and interest go a long way.

Remember you must be there for your children through every stage of their lives, not just during childhood and adolescence.

At the beginning of the book we were talking about planting a seed so that a leafy tree would grow.

Regardless of life's hardships, you must help your children grow into a straight, leafy tree. At the end, that lovely tree will give you a nice shadow under which you may rest, knowing that you accomplished the most important mission of your life.

About me

Descubre otros títulos de Fernando Otero en Smashwords.com:

La buhardilla del abuelo

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