OF COURSE, IT'S ONLY 15 MONTHS
UNTIL THE NEXT ELECTION.
WHO WILL BE THE DEMOCRATIC
NOMINEE TO BE ACCUSED OF MURDER
BY DONALD TRUMP?
( LAUGHTER )
LET'S GET AFTER IT IN TONIGHT'S
"DOIN' IT DONKEY STYLE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
DOUBLE DONKS!
ONCE EVERY FOUR YEARS,
CANDIDATES DESCEND ON THE IOWA
STATE FAIR TO NARROW THE FIELD
BY CLOGGING THEIR ARTERIES.
AND THIS WEEKEND THEY OPENED
WIDE -- KAMALA HARRIS TORE INTO
A PORK CHOP, BERNIE
REDISTRIBUTED A CORNDOG TO HIS
FACE, ANDREW YANG PROMISED THIS
TURKEY LEG A THOUSAND DOLLARS IF
IT VOTED FOR HIM.
EVEN VEGAN COREY BOOKER ATE A
DEEP-FRIED PEANUT BUTTER AND
JELLY SANDWICH ON A STICK.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
AS A VEGAN, I ASSUME BOOKER ALSO
ATE THE STICK.
( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
OF COURSE, SOME DEMOCRATIC
CANDIDATES ARE TRYING TO
DIFFERENTIATE THEMSELVES FROM
THE PACK BY RELEASING PLANS.
AND MY FAVORITE SO FAR IS THIS
ONE: "BERNIE SANDERS SAYS THAT,
IF HE'S ELECTED, HE'LL REVEAL
WHETHER ALIENS ARE REAL."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
(AS BERNIE)
"ALIENS EXIST, AND IT'S TIME FOR
HIGHER TAXES ON THOSE WHO LIVE
LONG AND PROSPER!
EVERYONE DESERVES UNIVERSAL
PROBE COVERAGE!
E.T. PHONE YOUR CONGRESSMAN
BECAUSE, FOR TOO LONG, 1% OF THE
ALFS HAVE EATEN 90% OF THE CATS!
THE REPUBLICAN HEALTHCARE PLAN
IS A COOK BOOK.
IT'S A COOK... BOOK."
( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )
ONE CANDIDATE HAD A PARTICULARLY
BAD WEEKEND IN IOWA, FORMER VICE
PRESIDENT AND GUY ABOUT TO EAT A
DEEP-FRIED MICROPHONE, JOE
BIDEN.
( LAUGHTER )
IT ALL STARTED WHEN BIDEN SPOKE
AT A TOWN HALL IN DES MOINES AND
SAID A WHOOPSIE.
>> WE HAVE THIS NOTION THAT
SOMEHOW IF YOU'RE POOR YOU
CANNOT DO IT.
POOR KIDS ARE JUST AS BRIGHT AND
JUST AS TALENTED AS WHITE KIDS--
WEALTHY KIDS, BLACK KIDS, ASIAN
KIDS.
NO, I REALLY MEAN IT.
LEAVE IT TO JOE --
>> WE CHOOSE TRUTH OVER FACTS.
>> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN)
"WE CHOOSE TRUTH OVER FACTS!
HOPE OVER OPTIMISM!
FAITH OVER BELIEF!
AND ALWAYS, SYNONYMS OVER WORDS
THAT MEAN THE SAME THING."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
NEWS OF BIDEN'S GAFFE GOT BACK
TO THE PRESIDENT, WHO TWEETED
"JOE BIDEN JUST SAID, "WE
BELIEVE IN FACTS, NOT TRUTH."
DOES ANYBODY REALLY BELIEVE HE
IS MENTALLY FIT TO BE
PRESIDENT?"
NICE TRY, MR. PRESIDENT, BUT
BIDEN DIDN'T SAY "FACTS NOT
TRUTH."
HE SAID "TRUTH OVER FACTS."
YOU GOT BEING WRONG WRONG!
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )
I BELIEVE THIS IS A CASE OF THE
POT CALLING THE KETTLE MENTALLY
UNFIT.
>> TAKE A LOOK AT THE ORANGES--
THE ORANGES OF THE UHH
INVESTIGATION.
THE DIVERSARY LOTTERY.
DIVERSARY AND DIVERSITY.
BY-- AN ENOMINOUS REALLY AN
ANNONYMUSH.
THE COMBAT INFANTROOPEN.
ADVISING LARMARKERS.
WE APPRECIATE IT VERY MUCH, TIM-
APPLE.
NAMBIA.
TANZAYNIA.
VENE-WELLAS.
GOD BLESS THE UNITED STATESHH.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: SEE, MR. PRESIDENT
( PIANO RIFF )
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE NOT ONE TO
TALK.
SERIOUSLY, PLEASE STOP TALKING.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
CATE BLANCHETT IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, TRUMP'S GOT
A NEW FRIEND, SAME AS THE OLD
FRIEND.
STICK AROUND.
