

# Team Aniston versus Team Jolie

Screenplay by

Kevin Schmadeka

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2009, Kevin Schmadeka. All rights reserved.

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

This work is a fictional satire. While it contains characters who are loosely based upon real public figures, and reference to some real events, the story and characters themselves are entirely the product of the author's own imagination.
FADE IN

MONTAGE: A combination of online comment forums and news headlines flash across the screen.

HEADLINE: Brad and Jen: It's over

CLOSE ON a computer screen, which shows a COMMENT PAGE, reading: Vik2100 - Jen wasn't strong enough to keep Brad. Booty69 - Jen gave him all her love and trust and he spit on it! BillyDojoTerror - Jen gets dumped on in her own movies!

HEADLINE: Angelina stole Brad on set of Mr. And Mrs. Smith

COMMENT PAGE 2: TOMMY44 - Angie is a homewrecking tramp. JADETHEBLADE25 - Brad was already leaving when she took him!

HEADLINE: Jennifer buys house on Malibu Beach, as Angelina embarks on global mission to save the children

COMMENT PAGE 3: ANDREA77 - Angelina does real charity work for kids! CAPTAINDEAN - In the army, we call that kind of charity a smoke screen!

HEADLINE: CafePress gets Dow Jones listing for massive sales of Team Aniston and Team Jolie shirts

COMMENT PAGE 4: TOMMY44 - You see that, Team Aniston shirts outsell Team Jolie shirts twenty to one!

HEADLINE: Grandmother disputes adoption; is Angelina using heavy-handed tactics to obtain kids?

COMMENT PAGE 5: BOOTY69 - Here's where she's going over the line. GEORGIAREBEL - Angie's savin' that kid from misery!

HEADLINE: Team Aniston vs. Team Jolie debate becomes heated, violence erupts

NEWS CLIP: At a protest scene, gunshots are fired, people scatter.

REPORTER

Shots were fired today at this protest of a benefit for saving children, it is unclear which side fired first...

COMMENT PAGE6: VIK2000 - Team Aniston hates kids! BOOTY69 - You're helping Angie steal them, you all should die!

HEADLINE: Angelina spotted traveling with mercs

CLOSE ON COMMENT PAGE 7: Fingers move over the keyboard, typing: TOMMY44 - Enough is enough, someone has to stop them.

The cursor moves to the "Post Comment" button, clicks it, a message flashes saying "COMMENT POSTED".

OPENING CREDITS AND TITLE: TEAM ANISTON VERSUS TEAM JOLIE

TITLE CARDS FROM BLACK

TITLE CARD 1

In 2005, actor Brad Pitt split from his wife Jennifer Aniston, to begin a new life with actress Angelina Jolie. Angelina and Brad embarked on a very public mission to save the children of the world, while Jennifer opted for a quiet life on Malibu Beach.

TITLE CARD 2

In mid-2007, as the debate over the situation became increasingly polarized, all three of them vanished from sight for a period of several weeks, a time during which a number of mysterious events reshaped the globe.

TITLE CARD 3

This is the story of what happened...

EXT. AUSTRALIA - ABORIGINAL VILLAGE - DAY

TITLE CARD: Australia, 2007

A number of mud and straw huts dot the area, as dark skinned ABORIGINES go about their daily routines.

Near one hut, an Aboriginal MOTHER sits outside with her SON, reading to him from a children's book.

A helicopter appears above the treeline, the wind from its rotor shaking the huts. The Mother's eyes grow wide with fear, she grabs her Son and heads indoors. Villagers watch with apprehension as it descends.

The helicopter lands. The door opens, steps fold down. First to appear on the steps is a pair of black stiletto heel boots. Second are a pair of Italian loafers, followed by a child-sized pair of biker boots.

The strange trio walks toward the Mother's hut, as villagers stare.

INT. MOTHER'S HUT - DAY

The aboriginal Mother huddles with her Son as the trio walks in. ANGELINA JOLIE, (early thirties, dark hair, voluptuous body,) leads the pack. Behind her is BRAD PITT (early forties, platinum-blond dyed hair.) He stands at her shoulder with a Forrest Gump grin. At their side is MADDOX, a small Cambodian boy wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses.

Mother musters her courage.

MOTHER

You are here for more photo ops with my boy?

Angelina breaks a smile.

ANGELINA

Yes we are, and more than that even.

MOTHER

Why do you always seem to want more than you say?

ANGELINA

The only other thing I want is to help him grow up in a better life...

She motions toward Maddox.

ANGELINA

...like Maddox.

MOTHER

I do not think that having his bones and organs replaced with a T-800 endoskeleton would be a good way for my son to grow up.

Maddox removes his sunglasses and smiles. His eyes GLOW RED, and make a mechanical WHIRRING SOUND as they move.

Brad points a finger at the Mother.

BRAD

Better give her what she wants, bitch -

Angelina holds up a REMOTE BUTTON.

ANGELINA

Silence!

Brad covers his groin, steps back.

BRAD

Yes, mistress...

Angelina turns back to the Mother.

ANGELINA

I know this isn't for every kid, but look how cute he can be!

(to Maddox)

Maddox!

MADDOX

Working!

ANGELINA

Run charm demo!

Maddox smiles and lifts his arms in a "hug me" pose. Then he grabs a beach ball, strikes a "playing on the beach" pose, freezing as if for a camera.

ANGELINA

Look at the joy he brings people. Who'd let a few little robot parts get in the way of that?

MOTHER

The only paper I signed was a release to exploit him for publicity. I'll pass on the rest.

Angelina takes a form out of her handbag.

ANGELINA

I'm sorry to tell you, but that paper was an adoption form. See the fine print?

Mother grabs the paper and holds it up to her, and the entire form is in Japanese.

MOTHER

You mean THIS fine print?

Anger creeps into Angelina's expression, her brow furrows, but before she can speak her cellphone rings. She answers, the voice of her agent GEYER KOSINSKI comes through.

GEYER (V.0.)

Angie, Geyer here. The latest poll numbers are in, and you're down another three points.

Angelina's face begins to show desperation.

GEYER (V.O.)

Whatever you're going to do to get those numbers back up, you have to do it quick.

Angelina hangs up the phone, her anger turns to resolve.

ANGELINA

All right, we tried to do this nice.

She heaves in a deep breath, and lets loose a shout.

ANGELINA

ASSEMBLE, TEAM JOLIE!

The roar of an engine grows louder as fear creeps into the Aboriginal Mother's expression. Suddenly the wall crashes in, and a black Hummer comes to a stop just inside.

The sinister vehicle has mechanical saw teeth across the front bumper, and three men and two women sit inside of it. All five wear identical black and red jumpsuits with "Team Jolie" emblazoned on the front. VIKTOR sits in the driver seat, a bodybuilding Russian with a blond buzz cut. The other four climb out.

BILLY, a short, black-haired athletic type with a Japanese headband, carries a flamethrower. JIM-BOB, a Southern cracker type, carries an M-60 machine gun. ANDREA, a short-haired blonde in her thirties, carries various pouches and containers on her belt. JADE, an Asian martial arts expert, carries two Chinese swords on her back.

The four of them gather beside Angelina and Brad.

ANGELINA

Last chance.

Mother grips her son and backs away, Angelina motions her team forward.

Mother bolts for the door, but Jade whips out a sword and THROWS it into the doorjamb, blocking it. Mother turns back, and Andrea blows DUST into her eyes. Mother screams at the pain, as Billy and Jim-Bob sieze her son.

Jade pulls her sword from the door, Angelina and her minions walk out, leaving the Mother alone with the Hummer.

Viktor hits the gas, the Hummer crashes through one wall, then the next, knocking them all down as he goes around. Mother stumbles out through an opening just as the roof crashes down to the ground.

EXT. ABORIGINAL VILLAGE - MOMENTS LATER - DAY

Angelina walks toward her helicopter holding the Son.

ANGELINA

(to Son)

Good news, I'm saving you from genocide!

Angelina glances behind her, where her team prepares to exterminate the village.

ANGELINA

(to Son)

And, I'm going to name you Zongwabi!

SON

But all the other kids will beat me up!

ANGELINA

Sorry, it's the price of fame...

IN THE VILLAGE, the Mother helplessly watches her son being taken, then looks around at the horrors about to take place.

Viktor starts the saw blades on the front of his Hummer running. Billy ignites his flamethrower, shoots a test burst in the air, and Jim-Bob racks the bolt of his M-60.

MOTHER

Butchers!

Jade draws both her swords and advances, while Andrea removes a pouch from her belt labeled "ANTHRAX."

MOTHER

Monsters!

Terrified villagers back away from the advancing force, as Mother looks up to the sky.

MOTHER

WILL NO ONE STAND UP TO THESE PEOPLE???

IN THE SKY ABOVE, a plane drops out of the clouds, zooms toward the village.

ON THE GROUND, Mother's eyes grow wide.

IN THE SKY, a side door opens on the plane, and five people bail out. Three men and two women, all wearing green and white jumpsuits. Similarly colored parachutes pop open, and the five parachutists maneuver into a perfect "A" formation as they descend.

ON THE GROUND, Angelina shakes her fist with rage.

ANGELINA

Curses, no! IT'S TEAM ANISTON!

The bottom two TA members in the parachute formation are DEAN, the team leader, and TOMMY. Dean is six foot, early fifties, with graying black hair and a lot of attitude. Tommy is in his early forties, a little taller, with short blond hair.

Dean parachutes directly into Viktor, kicks him in the head and knocks him flat inside the Hummer.

Tommy simultaneously parachutes into Billy and kicks him to the ground, knocking the flamethrower out of his hands.

Dean and Tommy both give each other a thumbs-up.

Right behind them, ROBBY (dark hair, mid-twenties) lands in front of Jim-Bob, while ELENA (Venezuelan, early thirties, rocking body) comes down in front of Jade.

Jim-Bob aims his machine gun at Robby, who produces a Taser. Jim-Bob laughs, prepares to fire, Robby fires the Taser, the electrodes hit the machine gun and all the ammo on the belt EXPLODES like a string of firecrackers.

As Elena lands, Jade draws her twin swords. Elena cuts loose from the parachute and charges her, Jade SLASHES the swords at her crossways. Elena bends forward to duck, does a handspring, her legs come up and wrap around Jade's neck.

Jade SLAMS to the ground on her back, with Elena straddling her neck.

ELENA

The Booty strikes again!

POW! Elena punches Jade unconscious.

Above them, SAMMIE (mid twenties, with blond hair in a ponytail) floats down slowly, spreading DUST over them all. As she lands, Dean shouts to the team.

DEAN

Assemble, Team Aniston!

The team runs to Dean, falls into ready formation. In front of them, Team Jolie all starts to look groggy.

TOMMY

Looks like the herbal sleep aid is working!

DEAN

Then let's put Team Jolie out of business for good!

Team Aniston charges to attack, but as they clash Team Jolie springs back to life, fighting back as hard as ever.

SAMMIE

They've used the antidote!

DEAN

What the fuck, do they have a copy of our battle script?

Billy grabs for his flamethrower, Tommy kicks it away.

TOMMY

Not so tough without your weapon, are you?

Billy pulls his fists back in a Chuck Norris karate pose.

BILLY

I don't need a weapon, I AM a weapon!

Everyone takes a second to groan, then resumes fighting.

NEARBY, Angelina bolts toward her helicopter with the Son, Maddox and Brad at her side.

ELENA

We have to save that boy!

Tommy shoves Billy back, quickly types into his laptop.

TOMMY

Elena, follow this script and get him!

Elena quickly reads her PDA, then bolts from the battle.

NEAR THE HELICOPTER, Brad plants himself in Elena's path.

BRAD

You ain't getting past me!

Elena smiles, zips her suit down a little, shows some cleavage. Brad smiles, bends down for a closer look, and Elena punches him.

BRAD

Aw fuck, my perfect nose!

Angelina breaks for the helicopter, but the Son boings her in the lips with his finger. Angelina screams and drops him.

ANGELINA

Owwww! I just had a botox injection there you little shit!

The Son runs to Elena, who grabs him and carries him toward safety.

ANGELINA

Team Jolie, withdraw!

Team Jolie breaks from the battle, some run toward the Hummer and a couple toward the helicopter. Elena shouts after them.

ELENA

You took the side of evil, you know!

Viktor turns, shouts back with his thick accent.

VIKTOR

How is jou can say that ven Jen even say dere's no villain?

Elena watches with a tinge of frustration as Viktor follows the others to their vehicles. Both the Hummer and helicopter take off and make their escape.

Team Aniston regroups, approaches the Mother, as the villagers gather around them.

Elena hands the Son back to his grateful Mother, as the villagers applaud.

A VILLAGE LEADER steps forward.

VILLAGE LEADER

You have saved our people from a great and terrible evil. May we have your picture taken with us, so we can tell the world of your deed?

SAMMIE

I wish we could, but Team Aniston must remain a secret.

VILLAGE LEADER

But why, when you do so much good?

ELENA

We can only work with pure intentions, doing good because it needs to be done, and never to glorify ourselves.

ROBBY

Those are the principles of Team Aniston.

TOMMY

Loyalty...

SAMMIE

...Sincerity...

ELENA

...And beauty that goes far deeper than the skin!

The villagers lift their arms and erupt in cheering.

EXT. SIERRA MOUNTAINS - AIRBORNE - DAY

In the sky over the mountains of California, the Team Aniston plane descends on approach.

EXT. BASE ANISTON - DAY

ON THE GROUND, the plane comes down on a primitive airstrip and lands. It taxis forward and stops in front of a house.

The side door of the plane opens, the team climbs out and walks toward the house along with the pilot CLAYTON, a colorful character in his late sixties.

SAMMIE

Well guys, another job well done!

DEAN

Yeah, but we got lucky.

Dean turns around to Clayton, trailing behind.

DEAN

Keep up, old man!

CLAYTON

When you whipper-snappers fight the wars I been in, let's see how much spring in your step you got left!

They open the front door and walk through.

INT. BASE ANISTON - DAY

The group walks in the front door, with Clayton bringing up the rear. Robby claps twice, the lights come on, along with several COMPUTER STATIONS and one large WALL MONITOR.

CLAYTON

Remember the Joan Crawford and Bette Davis dust-up? I was there for that.

SAMMIE

Doing what?

CLAYTON

Working security for Joan, when Bette got some of her Russian connections to have her jet shot down. Damn lucky for us we saw it coming and put her on a different plane, but it didn't do a helluva lot of good for the Cold War situation.

The large monitor powers up, then shows a log titled "Incoming Alerts."

ROBBY

(to Dean)

What do you mean we were lucky?

Dean turns directly to Tommy.

DEAN

I mean how the fuck did they know our plans?

Tommy gets defensive.

TOMMY

Hey, I'm the new guy here, I don't know their whole bag of tricks yet.

SAMMIE

Yeah Dean, they're always trying to hack our information network!

DEAN

(to Tommy)

Well, you better not put the team in danger. You pull any careless shit, and I'll kick your ass right back to Arizona.

Tommy puts his hands up.

TOMMY

I get it, I get it.

Robby walks over to Tommy.

ROBBY

Let's see what we can do with the encryption and network security.

They go to Tommy's computer station, sit down. As they start working, Elena comes to Tommy's shoulder.

ELENA

I don't get something, Tommy.

Tommy turns back to her.

ELENA

What makes a writer better at battle planning than any other strategist?

Tommy smiles.

TOMMY

Because writers spend their days and nights thinking up creative ways to fuck people over.

INT. BASE ANISTON - DINING ROOM - LATER - NIGHT

The team finishes their dinner as they converse.

ROBBY

(to Elena)

I can't believe you got to sock Brad.

ELENA

Hey, we all kicked ass today.

Dean's hands are folded in front of his face, he's buried in thought.

DEAN

Boys and girls, we're congratulating ourselves a little too fast.

SAMMIE

How so?

DEAN

Think about it. What's the purpose of collecting these kids?

SAMMIE

To salvage her image, I mean duh!

DEAN

If that's all there was to it, she could collect a half dozen from one place in Africa or Asia and call it good.

TOMMY

But she's collecting them from all over the globe, is that what you're getting at?

DEAN

(to Tommy)

If you were writing this in a script, would that be all there is to it?

Tommy thinks for a moment.

TOMMY

Life imitates art and vice versa, but I think you're grasping for conspiracies that just aren't there.

Dean stands up, shakes his head.

DEAN

What the fuck did we hire you for?

ROBBY

Come on Dean, chill!

ELENA

All we have to do is stop her from getting her hands on kids, and it doesn't matter what she's up to.

DEAN

Maybe you're right.

(to Tommy)

But getting a handle on the big picture is your job, and I don't see you doing it.

Tommy stares back at Dean, as Clayton chimes in.

CLAYTON

Enough of this shit. Time to pay your respects to your reason for being here.

Dean puts his hands up in surrender. Everyone sits back down again, closes their eyes and looks down in prayer as Robby leads.

ROBBY

Jen who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow of the skank, I shall fear no foul stench, for thou art with me. Amen.

TEAM

Amen.

They open their eyes again.

DEAN

Anyone else?

ELENA

I've got something!

Elena takes out a piece of paper.

ELENA

Little poem I wrote.

She clears her throat.

ELENA

Angelina sat on a shlong.

Somehow it easily got past her thong!

All the world's studs

And impoverished children

Couldn't put Angie's image together again!

The team erupts in laughter.

SAMMIE

Oh my God, she's such a ho!

ELENA

(to Tommy)

How about you? You haven't contributed yet, and you're the writer!

TOMMY

Well, there is something I've been working on. It's not quite ready...

ELENA

Oh, come on!

The whole team joins her in urging Tommy on.

TOMMY

Okay, okay!

Tommy stands up and steps toward the wall monitor. He picks up a remote and pushes a button, and a picture of Jennifer appears on the screen. In the picture, she's surrounded by a field of flowers, the sun's rays shining through her hair as it flutters in the breeze.

Everyone's breath is taken away, as soft music begins.

TOMMY

(singing)

If Jennifer only knew that I existed

I'd be happier than Angie getting fisted

The sun would be shining on a world of love

With angels singing from above

And then I might just find the nerve to say...

Angie is a fucking skank

And she deserves to die

Brad's completely pussywhipped

It ain't no mystery why

What made you pick him when so many

Love you for who you are?

You always look for the best in people

But you must have looked hard

If I can only love Jennifer from afar

With no hope of her ever riding in my car

Then I'll dedicate my guile

To being worthy of her smile

So that if our paths ever cross then I can say...

I hate Brangelina and I hope they burn in hell

But they deserve each other

So it works out pretty well

May they always be together

In blessed dysfunction

And may their children grow to sue them both

Into oblivion

As Tommy finishes, the team jumps up and applauds. Tommy smiles, walks back to them.

SAMMIE

I know we have to work in secret, but... do you think it's possible we could ever meet her? Tell her what we do, and how she changed our lives?

DEAN

We have the same chance as everyone else. Which isn't much, but it's the same chance.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD - MOVIE SET - OUTDOOR CAFÉ - DAY

JENNIFER ANISTON sits at a table with a camera pointed at her, and a microphone above. Jennifer is an incredibly striking woman in her late thirties, with petite features, auburn hair cascading down in soft curls, and an iridescent beauty that shines warmth and goodness into all who gaze upon her.

CLOSE ON JENNIFER

JENNIFER

Look, I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level, but I just don't feel like you're giving me your full attention!

Across from Jennifer sits a large TOMCAT.

TOMCAT

Mrreeoowww!

DIRECTOR

Cut!

The DIRECTOR walks over to the Tomcat and begins coaching him, as he hisses and claws. Jennifer gets up, shakes her head with exasperation, when she hears a familiar voice.

KEVIN

Hey girlfriend!

Jennifer looks over and sees her agent KEVIN HUVANE standing off the set. Forties, black hair, wearing white shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and pink slippers. She walks over to him.

JENNIFER

Hey Kevin, I've been hoping to talk to you.

KEVIN

What about?

JENNIFER

Well, I'm kind of worried about the concept behind this project you picked for me.

KEVIN

Jennifer, it's an evolving art. You have to be willing to try new ideas.

JENNIFER

I'm all in favor of that, but how about some new ideas that don't suck? I mean, you've rejected some really good ones just because they were unsolicited.

KEVIN

Jennifer, we need to stick with proven writers.

JENNIFER

You mean writers who are proven to be out of good ideas?

Kevin holds up a hand to halt her.

KEVIN

I'm not the only one who picked this project. You insisted on another romcom, and this is what there was.

Jennifer nods grudgingly.

KEVIN

Anyhow this isn't what I came to talk about. There's been another sighting.

Jennifer perks up.

JENNIFER

You mean...

KEVIN

Yes, those possibly neurotic fans of yours. Australia this time.

JENNIFER

Did they save somebody again?

KEVIN

That's not what's important. What's important is that they're going around engaging in quasi-military actions, dressed like fans of yours.

JENNIFER

They've never claimed any connection to me.

KEVIN

No, but we still don't need this kind of PR. I recommend we distance ourselves from them as far as possible.

Jennifer thinks about it for a moment.

JENNIFER

I'd sort of like to know more about them first.

KEVIN

Listen, how about if I just take care of it, okay?

Jennifer reluctantly nods.

JENNIFER

Anything else?

Kevin produces a tabloid magazine, the cover reading: "Jen's life sucks!"

KEVIN

You think a response is in order this time?

Jennifer grits her teeth, then breaks a smile again.

JENNIFER

Nope, don't want to dignify it.

The Director calls out from the set.

DIRECTOR

Positions!

JENNIFER

(to Kevin)

Got to go. By the way, you look great today!

KEVIN

Thanks. Bye bye, girlfriend!

Kevin goes flitting away, as Jennifer walks back to the set, with her hand to her forehead.

JENNIFER

(under her breath)

What a fairy!

EXT. AUSTRALIA - SHIP DOCK - DAY

A small SHIP sits tied to the dock, with a helicopter and a Hummer on the rear deck. The markings read "SS TEAM JOLIE: SAVING THE WORLD ONE CHILD AT A TIME".

ON THE DOCK, the black-suited Team Jolie members are loading supplies into the ship.

BILLY

Hey, where do you find a damn forklift around here?

VIKTOR

I don't need a forklift, I AM a forklift. Ha ha ha!

BILLY

Hey fuck you, communist!

INT. TEAM JOLIE SHIP - BRIDGE - SHORT TIME LATER - DAY

Angelina walks up the stairs and onto the bridge, followed by Brad and her team. Angelina takes the captain's chair.

ANGELINA

Viktor, take us out.

Brad starts toward the controls.

BRAD

Hey, I can -

ANGELINA

Brad, check the messages.

As Brad grudgingly walks to the communication station, Viktor takes the helm station.

OUTSIDE, the ship pulls away, heads out to sea.

ON THE BRIDGE

VIKTOR

Vere to?

ANGELINA

Sudan. Slavery is still legal there, so we can buy a kid to pass off as Aboriginal.

At the communication station, Brad pushes the messages button and a voice with a British accent comes on.

BILLY IDOL

(on machine)

Brad, Billy Idol calling. I want my look back, you fuckin' copycat!

Brad flips the bird at the machine.

At the captain's chair, Angelina motions her team to follow her down the stairs.

ANGELINA

Brad, you have the conn.

BRAD

Oh, sweet!

Brad jumps into the captain's chair and starts playing with the controls.

INT. TEAM JOLIE SHIP - MAIN ROOM - MOMENTS LATER - DAY

Angelina emerges from the stairway, followed by her team. She walks over to one wall that has SEVEN PEDESTALS in a row.

The first three pedestals are occupied by Maddox, Zahara, and Pax. Maddox stands in a motionless pose, while Zahara and Pax are chained to their pedestals, looking up in sadness.

Angelina looks them all over.

ANGELINA

Just four more to go, and my quest for ultimate power is complete.

JIM-BOB

How the hell're these kids gonna give you ultimate power?

Angelina points her remote button back over her shoulder toward him, pushes the button. Jim-Bob screams in agony, grabs his groin and falls to the floor.

ANGELINA

Do not question my genius!

Angelina turns to face him directly.

ANGELINA

You simply have no idea how the power of the children can be harnessed.

Angelina steps away from her team, takes out her cellphone and dials it.

ANGELINA

(into phone)

Geyer, Angie here. What are the numbers telling you about Brad?

GEYER

Unfortunately, if you ditch him too soon, you'll be viewed as trashing his home without ever planning to keep him.

Angelina groans.

GEYER

When the time comes, we can orchestrate it to look like he walked on you, but it's going to be at least another year.

ANGELINA

(into phone)

Okay Geyer, thanks for nothing.

Angelina hangs up. Jade sits down at a piano and starts strumming on the keys, as Andrea walks up to Angelina.

ANDREA

If you really hate him that much, what made you want to steal him?

Angelina turns around with a smile, as Jade does a piano lead-in, then starts PLAYING.

ANGELINA

(singing)

Because I can, because I can

It's all the reason I need to steal your man

I'm hot and I'm seductive and he cannot resist

So I humbly beg your pardon if you feel dissed

I know I wrecked Jen's whole life

As bad as I feel

Her happiness was never in my plan!

It's all the reason I need to steal your man

Because I can, because I can, because I can

It's not that I need him, or want him that bad

Or even that I want to make anyone sad

It's just that he's handy, and I needed some fun

So if anyone don't like it then that's fucking tough

Maybe when I'm finished with him I'll throw him back

Cause being permanently saddled isn't really my plan

It's all the reason that I need to steal your man

Because I can, because I can, because I can

Because I can, because I can, because I can!

As Angelina finishes her number, her team applauds. Then she turns back to the row of pedestals.

ANGELINA

It's time to get this collection finished. But before we can do that...

Angelina faces her team directly.

ANGELINA

...we need to get Team Aniston out of the picture for good.

INT. BASE ANISTON - DAY

Tommy sits at his desk with his laptop open, his face straining as he thinks. Elena walks up behind him.

ELENA

What you working on?

TOMMY

Another rewrite on my script.

ELENA

What kind?

TOMMY

It's a comedy. I wrote it for Jennifer a long time ago, but her agent kept sending it back as "unsolicited."

ELENA

Wow, that sucks...

TOMMY

I know. She's a great actress when she has great material, but her agent keeps steering her into material that isn't.

ELENA

So what's different about yours?

TOMMY

In mine, she gets pissed off and hurts a few people instead of being the one who gets hurt.

ELENA

That would be a nice change...

NEARBY, Dean, Sammie and Robby stand around a large map.

DEAN

Last time it was Australia, now they're headed for Sudan. What the fuck are they up to?

ROBBY

As long as we stop her from stealing more kids, does it really matter?

Dean thinks a moment, then glances toward Tommy, being chatted up by Elena.

DEAN

What do you think about the new guy?

SAMMIE

That you're being paranoid about him, is what I think.

DEAN

Even after that little information breach?

ROBBY

Dean, he's half the reason that Team Aniston created this strike force.

Dean listens, then turns back to stare at Tommy for a moment.

AT TOMMY'S WORKSTATION, Dean comes to his shoulder.

DEAN

So, settling in?

Dean glances toward Elena, twitches his eyebrows to the side. She moves away from them.

TOMMY

I'm getting up to speed.

DEAN

It's a good deal you finally won a spot here, after all the work you did getting this idea off the ground.

Tommy smiles.

TOMMY

I'm pretty happy about that myself.

DEAN

I thought you should have been here a lot sooner, but you dropped off the Team Aniston forum for a while. What was important enough to make you do that?

Tommy points at his script.

TOMMY

There wasn't a lot happening at the moment, so I took some time off to work on this.

Dean gives him an inquisitive look.

TOMMY

If we're Jennifer's team, we need to do things that help her out, right?

Dean considers that, then suddenly their attention is captured by a beeping at the main TV screen.

SAMMIE

News alert!

Dean grabs the remote and turns on a news report.

NEWS ANCHOR

(on TV)

Kevin Huvane, the agent for actress Jennifer Aniston, responded today to rumors that fans of Jennifer have formed a paramilitary strike team.

The TV cuts to Kevin Huvane, being interviewed.

KEVIN

(on TV)

There is, to our knowledge, no actual group called "Team Aniston" running around the globe playing heroes, and we deny any association with such a group. Jennifer does not condone violence for any cause, and if there were such a group, we would demand that they stop acting in her name or we would sue them.

The team stares at the TV with stunned expressions, as the TV cuts back to the Anchor.

NEWS ANCHOR

(on TV)

There you have it, Jennifer Aniston's agent has officially denied any association with the rumored Team Aniston.

Dean freezes the TV image, as they all reel from the blow.

ELENA

How could she say that about us?

SAMMIE

Doesn't she realize the good we try to do?

Dean puts his hands up to halt them.

DEAN

It's not her, it's that agent of hers doing the talking.

ELENA

But why would she let him -

DEAN

He doesn't let her make those calls.

At his desk, Tommy looks down with a bitter expression.

TOMMY

If that's true, then why does she call him her rep?

DEAN

What are you saying exactly?

TOMMY

I'm saying she could have stuck up for us and she didn't.

The team turns their already-stunned expressions toward Tommy.

DEAN

Whose fuckin' side are you on?

Suddenly, an alert beeps at one of the computer stations.

SAMMIE

Incoming alert!

She pushes a button on her computer, and on the main screen the face of a young NAVY OFFICER appears. Behind him is the interior of a ship's control center.

NAVY OFFICER

(onscreen)

...Team Aniston, come in...

DEAN

We hear you, go ahead.

Onscreen, the Officer glances around the ship's control center to make sure no one's watching.

NAVY OFFICER

(onscreen)

New report.

DEAN

We heading for Sudan?

NAVY OFFICER

(onscreen)

Negative. They flew their chopper over to Sudan, picked up a couple crates and left.

Dean slams his fists on the table.

DEAN

Goddamnit, we missed them!

SAMMIE

That gives them five.

The whole team absorbs the shock for a moment.

NAVY OFFICER

(onscreen)

The news isn't all bad. They're steaming toward South America, and we intercepted communications that they're headed for Argentina.

ELENA

We could beat them there this time!

The whole team nods in agreement.

DEAN

Good work, keep us advised.

NAVY OFFICER

(onscreen)

Go, Team Aniston!

The screen goes blank.

EXT. BASE ANISTON - VIEW FROM ABOVE - DAY

The Team Aniston plane takes off and zooms skyward, to the hard rock soundtrack of the Team Aniston Theme.

TEAM ANISTON THEME

Team Aniston

Battling evil around the globe

Team Aniston

Fighting the black shirts and their black souls

Loyalty, sincerity, and beauty deeper than skin

Those are the principles that always lead us to win!

Team Aniston

Brangelina must be stopped

Team Aniston

The children of the world are not photo props!

We're here to stop those who pretend to be your friends

Then fuck you over soon as you turn your back to them

The two-timer of the decade, the skank of the millennium

We're gonna kick their ass and save the world from them again!

Team Aniston

Team Aniston

Team Aniston

END THEME SONG

EXT. SOUTH AMERICA - AIRBORNE - DAY

The Team Aniston plane zooms southward.

INT. TEAM ANISTON PLANE - AIRBORNE - DAY

Clayton and Dean sit up front, everyone else in the rear.

DEAN

We're coming up on the airstrip, prepare to land!

The team straps themselves in.

EXT. ARGENTINA - RURAL AIRSTRIP - DAY

The plane comes in, lands on the airstrip, taxis forward.

INT. TEAM ANISTON PLANE - ON AIRSTRIP - MOVING - DAY

As the plane moves down the runway, Dean points ahead.

DEAN

Let's stash the plane behind those trees, then we can head toward town and set an ambush.

The plane rounds a corner behind some trees, then Clayton SLAMS on the brakes, as horror grips the team.

The Team Jolie helicopter is already hidden there, with no one inside.

EXT. ARGENTINA - NEAR TOWN - DAY

Team Aniston scrambles up a hillside, toward a nearby small town.

ELENA

They've probably killed half the town already!

As they approach the hilltop, they spot a man at the crest, with jet-black hair. He's facing away from them toward the town, shouting orders at people. Tommy SHOUTS at him.

TOMMY

Hey mister!

Brad turns around, sporting his new black hairstyle and wearing a smarmy grin. The team rushes him, surrounds him.

DEAN

(to Brad)

All right pencildick, where's your team?

BRAD

Look around fool, you see anyone?

The team looks, the town is normal and undisturbed. REALIZATION dawns over Tommy.

TOMMY

He's a decoy!

BRAD

Bravo! Now can you guess what the real target is?

TOMMY

Fuck you, frat boy!

Tommy turns to Sammie.

TOMMY

(to Sammie)

What do you have that'll make him talk?

Sammie begins searching through her pouches.

BRAD

No need for that, it's no secret. We're after you.

Elena kicks Brad in the shin, he yelps and grabs his leg.

ELENA

You figure on taking us down by yourself?

Brad stands up straight again.

BRAD

Hardly any need. While you're wasting time with me, Team Jolie is taking away your whole reason for living.

The team looks at one another, HORROR spreads across their faces. They bolt back down the hill.

As Brad watches them go, his cellphone rings and he answers.

TOM CRUISE

Hey Brad, Tom Cruise here. Listen, that jet-black hair look, that's sort of my thing, and well, I'd kind of like it back.

BRAD

Hey fuck you Tom! FUCK YOU!

EXT. SOUTH AMERICA - AIRBORNE - DAY

The Team Aniston plane zooms northward at top speed.

INT. TEAM ANISTON PLANE - AIRBORNE - DAY

Dean sits up front again, and turns back to the team.

DEAN

We'll be at Malibu Beach in a few hours.

The team stares back at him with clenched hands.

EXT. MALIBU BEACH - JENNIFER'S HOUSE - SUNSET

Jennifer's house is bathed in the orange glow of sunset.

INT. JENNIFER'S HOUSE - SUNSET

Jennifer stands at the front window, watching the sunset, her beautiful white dog Norman beside her. She picks up her phone, dials it.

JENNIFER

(into phone)

Hey Courtney, I was just thinking of coming -

Jennifer pauses as Courtney's voice comes through the phone.

JENNIFER

(into phone)

No, that's fine! I'm all in favor of romance...

Courtney's voice comes through again.

JENNIFER

(into phone)

Really, I'm fine. You guys have fun.

Jennifer puts the phone down, sighs. She turns back to watch the sunset as Norman nuzzles her hand.

EXT. MALIBU BEACH - DUSK

Soon after sunset, as waves crash on the shore of the empty beach, Jennifer walks along the edge of the surf with Norman.

She reaches into her handbag, and takes out a disc shaped like a small Frisbee. Painted on it is a picture of Brad.

Jennifer holds the picture in her hands, gazes down upon it.

JENNIFER

(singing)

We met on a blind date

That our agents set up for us

We started a fairy tale life

On a concert stage with Sting

We flashed our rings and made people guess

And that was all part of the fun

But then you shot down my balloon

And left me all alone

You took back all your promises

Jennifer comes to a mechanical contraption sitting on the shore, pauses next to it.

JENNIFER

(singing)

I want you to show me one last bit of decency

So Brad, won't you die just for me

Jennifer places the round picture into the arm of the device, which is a skeet launcher. She launches the disc out over the ocean, then she swings a shotgun up and blasts it to pieces.

She works the lever on the launcher, each time another clay pigeon with a picture of Brad is launched and Jennifer blasts it. Finally she misses one, and it lands in the water and bobs in the surf.

Jennifer's expression becomes sad as she watches, then a shark comes up and eats the picture. Her smile returns, and Norman barks happily.

Jennifer puts the shotgun down, continues down the beach.

JENNIFER

(singing)

I don't want it to hurt much

But then I don't mind if it does

And if that thieving bitch gets in the way

Then that's too bad

I pinned my future on you

And you took it when you left

So it only seems fair to share the pain

Jennifer takes out her cellphone, types in a quick text and sends it.

JENNIFER

(singing)

But I do get some joy

Watching you pretend for the cameras

Living a life scripted by your managers

Out on the ocean, a ship launches FIREWORKS. The shells explode and form a picture of Brad in the sky that Jennifer looks up to.

JENNIFER

(singing)

Your reason for living is a failure don't you see

So Brad, won't you die just for me

Brad, won't you die just for me

An Air Force jet zooms overhead, out toward the ocean. It fires missiles, the missiles explode and blow the picture of Brad into smoke, his expression contorting into agony as the picture peels away. The smoke swirls about and vanishes.

Jennifer smiles, bends down and gives Norman a hug.

JENNIFER

I love fireworks.

DOWN THE BEACH, a bright pair of headlights approaches. She shields her eyes, tries to move out of their way, but the headlights drive straight toward her and then stop.

Jennifer uncovers her eyes to see a black Hummer with one man standing inside, and two men and two women at the sides. She looks closer, sees that all five wear black jumpsuits emblazoned with "Team Jolie."

Jennifer's expression becomes angered.

JENNIFER

Oh, this is really fucking funny. Let me guess. You guys are some kind of sick bastards with no life who spend way too much time on the Internet, aren't you?

The four of them on the ground begin to step closer.

JADE

No such luck for you, milady.

Jennifer backs away, then breaks and runs, with Norman on her heels. Team Jolie runs in pursuit, then Norman turns and attacks Billy, takes him to the ground.

Jim-Bob runs over to Billy, points his machine gun at Norman's head. Billy's head is directly behind Norman's head, so he squirms to get out of the path of fire.

JIM-BOB

(to Jennifer)

Give up or I do the dog!

Jennifer stops and turns as Jade and Andrea approach.

JENNIFER

Who the fuck are you people?

As they prepare to seize her, the roar of an engine catches their attention. An airplane zooms in over Jennifer's house and banks toward them.

INT. TEAM ANISTON PLANE - NIGHT

Dean looks at the beach, announces to the others.

DEAN

Situation is hot!

EXT. BEACH - NIGHT

The plane lands quickly, rolls to a stop. As Jennifer watches in amazement, five people climb out, form a line in front of the plane.

Jade and Andrea sieze Jennifer by the arms, as Dean shouts.

DEAN

Team Aniston, TAKE THEM DOWN!

Elena and Sammie charge out first. They leap and KICK Jade and Andrea in the abdomens, knock them down.

Jennifer stares in amazement at them all, as the team stares back for a brief second in wonder.

In the Hummer, Viktor starts the saw teeth on the bumper. He revs the motor, hits the gas and speeds toward them.

Elena and Sammie pull Jennifer out of the way, as the three men charge the Hummer.

Tommy jumps up on the hood, kicks Viktor in the head as Dean jumps up on the drivers side, pulls the steering wheel toward the ocean. The Hummer drives out into the surf, gets bogged down.

Robby runs onward to save Norman. Jim-Bob swings his machine gun toward him, Robby lunges forward. He grabs the barrel and jams it into the sand as Jim-Bob fires, and the gun explodes.

DEAN

Let's finish the bastards!

TOMMY

We can't, Jennifer's in danger here!

Dean grits his teeth, then shouts to the team.

DEAN

Evacuate!

Robby grabs up Norman, everyone runs for the plane.

MOMENTS LATER, the plane takes off from the beach in the direction it came from.

INT. TEAM ANISTON PLANE - EARLY DAWN

Dean sits up front, while in the back of the plane Jennifer sits across from the team, holding Norman.

JENNIFER

Was that you guys in Australia?

The team nods, Jennifer shakes her head with astonishment.

JENNIFER

Where are we going?

DEAN

Take a look.

As the plane rounds a mountain, Jennifer looks and sees the airstrip and the house.

EXT. BASE ANISTON - DAWN

As the sun peeks over the horizon, the plane lands, pulls to a stop in front of the house. The side door opens, the team steps out and helps Jennifer down.

TOMMY

Welcome to Base Aniston.

INT. BASE ANISTON - DAY

The front door opens, the team enters with Jennifer. Elena points toward the wall monitor.

ELENA

This monitor shows us a constant stream of intel coming in from Team Aniston members worldwide.

JENNIFER

Worldwide?!

Tommy walks over to his computer station, points to it. The screen says "Team Aniston Dot Org."

TOMMY

Team Aniston is now a global membership organization with hundreds of thousands of members. The website collects the dues that keep our operations funded.

JENNIFER

And who are you guys?

DEAN

We're the official strike force of the team.

Dean motions toward the other members, Sammie first.

DEAN

This is Sammie. She's a herbalist and naturopathic healer.

Dean points to Robby.

DEAN

This is Robby, our techno-wizard. Anytime we need gadgets, he takes care of it for us.

Dean motions to Elena next.

DEAN

This young lady is Elena. We call her "The Booty."

Elena smiles proudly.

ELENA

I do my fighting with the power of "love"!

ROBBY

Please don't ask for details, she's the scariest one of us all...

Elena flips him off, as Dean motions toward Tommy.

DEAN

This is Tommy, our writer. He scripts our strategy and battle plans.

A glint of mistrust creeps into Jennifer's expression.

JENNIFER

Good choice. Writers can fuck people over like no one else on Earth.

DEAN

And this old fart is Clayton. He flies the plane and handles whatever else we need.

Clayton tips his hat to her.

CLAYTON

Been there for some rough moments in the Hollywood scene, and I gotta tell you miss, I'm damn proud to be here for this one.

JENNIFER

What kind of moments?

CLAYTON

Well, remember the spat between Shirley McClaine and Debra Winger on the set of Terms of Endearment?

JENNIFER

Sure, that was just a normal on-set rivalry wasn't it?

CLAYTON

It was, until Debra hired Mafioso people to break into Shirley's house and kill her cats until she signed a contract to do only Indy films for ten years. We had to deal out a little justice, and what happened after that was the inspiration for Goodfellas.

Jennifer reels for a moment.

DEAN

Anyhow, my name is Dean. I used to be a military leader until I found my leadership skills were more needed here.

JENNIFER

So, you've got the powers of leadership, healing, technology, creativity, and, um, love. I hate to say it, but I think the other guys are a little more loaded up.

DEAN

We didn't figure you'd approve of weapons of destruction, so we only use powers of good.

Jennifer shakes her head, her mind spinning.

JENNIFER

I'm sorry. I think you guys mean well, but this is too weird.

SAMMIE

If you think this is weird, come look at what led us to do this.

Tommy hits some computer keys, a picture of Angelina appears on the wall monitor. The team recoils for a moment.

DEAN

Early 2005 was when Angelina first stole Brad.

Jennifer grits her teeth.

JENNIFER

I was there, remember?

ROBBY

Yes, but you haven't been there for what's happened since.

The picture changes to a shot of the UN Building in New York.

DEAN

It was after that she started spending a lot more time here.

JENNIFER

At the UN?

DEAN

Yep. And that was also when she stepped up her efforts to collect children.

JENNIFER

So how does that involve you?

TOMMY

We got involved because she didn't do it nicely.

Tommy pushes a button, the picture changes to an obscure photo of Team Jolie forcibly taking a child from an African hut.

TOMMY

She started running into resistance, so she formed a strike team to help do her dirty work.

ROBBY

That's who you just met on the beach.

Jennifer's eyes grow wide. Tommy pulls up another website on the monitor, the heading reads "Team Jolie Dot Org."

TOMMY

She drew her team from the membership of her own fan club.

JENNIFER

Those people were her fans!?

DEAN

Team Jolie doesn't attract nice people.

EXT. TEAM JOLIE SHIP - DAY

The helicopter hovers toward the ship, Brad in the pilot seat. Angelina waits on the deck.

A rope hangs below the helicopter. Dangling at the end of it in a harness is a South American girl, JUANABELLANINAMINA. The terrified child looks down at sharks in the water, claws her way toward the ship.

As she gets closer, the girl looks at the ship to see Angelina with her arms stretched out to her.

She screams, spins around and claws her way back out toward the sharks.

INT. TEAM JOLIE SHIP - MAIN ROOM - NIGHT

Maddox, Zahara and Pax all sit around the television, where the movie "Porky's" is playing. Behind them, two other children are chained to pedastals, their nameplates reading ZONGWABI and ADOLF.

On the TV screen is the locker room scene with Tim Cavanaugh and Brian.

CAVANAUGH

(onscreen)

I think it's great weather for flying "kites". I wonder if there are any "kites" around here we can fly.

BRIAN

(onscreen)

Hey Cavanaugh, it's not kite, it's kike. K-i-k-e, kike. You know, you're too stupid to even be a good bigot.

In the room, Maddox turns to Zahara.

MADDOX

Hey, you know what? You a kike.

ZAHARA

Fuck you, you a kike!

PAX

You don't even know what a kike is.

MADDOX

No, but it sound pretty bad you fuckin' kike!

PAX

Well fuck you then, you a fuckin' robot kike!

Angelina walks into the room carrying the new girl.

ANGELINA

Children, children, children, none of you are kikes!

She chains the girl to her pedastal, then turns to leave, shaking her head.

ANGELINA

Good lord, how far do you think we're taking this diversity thing?

INT. TEAM JOLIE SHIP - BRANGELINA'S ROOM - DAY

Angelina walks back into the bedroom, to find Brad suspending the hot young NANNY from the ceiling. She's spread out in a compromising position, wearing lingerie and with little weights clamped to her body.

ANGELINA

Brad, what the fuck already?

BRAD

Angie! Hey baby, I was just making, um, a mobile for the kids, and the nanny was all I had to work with.

Angelina shakes her head.

ANGELINA

Whatever. Since you're busy with this, I'm going to play with Jonny.

BRAD

That's cool babe, I know you got needs...

Brad turns his attention back to the Nanny as Angelina goes to her closet. She opens the closet, to find a life-size Jonny Lee Miller doll inside.

ANGELINA

Oh Jonny, one day soon it'll just be us again...

The doll reaches up, pulls its plastic face off revealing JONNY LEE MILLER beneath.

JONNY

Well I hope it's soon, I'm tired of bein' in the fuckin' closet!

INT. BASE ANISTON - MAIN ROOM - EVENING

The team sits at their stations working online. Jennifer and Clayton watch them work, as Clayton regales her with a story.

CLAYTON

The granddaddy celeb war of them all had to be Marlon Brando and Charlton Heston. They were filming over in Asia when they had a tiff over creative control, so Charlton hired a local militia to blow up some sets he didn't want to use. I was on a mercenary team Marlon had protecting it, and when they showed up it all blew out of control from there.

JENNIFER

What did they call that little skirmish?

CLAYTON

Vietnam.

Jennifer's jaw hits the floor.

JENNIFER

Charlton Heston started Vietnam?

CLAYTON

That's why they called the V.C. "Charlie".

JENNIFER

How come nobody's ever told me about this stuff?

CLAYTON

Well, the way these celeb wars keep spilling into global affairs is kind of a dirty secret around town.

Jennifer takes that all in for a moment, as Robby announces to the others.

ROBBY

New TMZ article, trolls in the comments section!

JENNIFER

What's going on?

DEAN

When we're not fighting the strike force, we help the organization with our original job, shooting down Team Jolie in the comments wars.

ELENA

Hey, look here!

Jennifer walks to Elena's station, looks at her screen. Elena points to the username Vik2100.

ELENA

This is the big Russian guy from the beach. He says "Jen lose every man she been with, even in her movies."

Jennifer frowns.

SAMMIE

This one's from that Kung-Fu bitch. She says, "Jen even says there's no villain. For once she's right!"

TOMMY

Jennifer, how about posting your own response?

Jennifer shakes her head.

JENNIFER

Nope, not getting sucked into that.

Tommy stands, walks over to her. He points to the screen.

TOMMY

This chick just took a shot at the real heart of the issue. You believe in sincerity, right?

The team watches the conversation.

TOMMY

Now's your chance to stand up for it. Unless, that is, you really believe there's no villain.

Jennifer stares at the screen, takes a breath.

JENNIFER

I'm above this fray.

Jennifer steps away from him, as Tommy shakes his head with the look of one who is not surprised.

JENNIFER

What I'm interested in knowing though is why you all never told me about you.

ROBBY

When we help people, we have to do it selflessly. We don't help people to glorify ourselves to anyone.

JENNIFER

Why not?

SAMMIE

Because you don't. And you're our role model.

Jennifer appears uncertain.

JENNIFER

Well tell me, how long before I can go home?

DEAN

We'd never keep you here against your will. But you were targeted in order to stop us from stopping them.

ELENA

If you hung out for a couple days, you could really help.

Jennifer puts her hands up.

JENNIFER

Wait a minute...

ROBBY

What's wrong?

JENNIFER

Look, I see the need here. But I can't get involved in this.

TOMMY

What do you have against being involved?

Jennifer turns and stares at him.

TOMMY

Angie and Brad are on a rampage of disingenuousness. Do you like letting them go completely unchallenged?

Jennifer grits her teeth, as the team stares at him.

JENNIFER

Listen buddy. I get along by staying out of fights, because there's too many people set up to take shots at me as it is.

Tommy listens carefully.

JENNIFER

I'll take a look at what you have, see if I can give you some ideas. But that's all I can do.

INT. BASE ANISTON - MAIN ROOM - LATER - NIGHT

The team and Jennifer are gathered in front of the main wall monitor. The monitor shows a global map with pushpins in all the child abduction locations.

DEAN

The children she's taken so far come from each major ethnic region of the globe. We can't figure out the significance of that.

ROBBY

Does she really just want to raise a child from every part of the world?

JENNIFER

Not a chance.

The team turns to listen.

JENNIFER

I don't question that she loves her kids, but first and foremost they're PR props. Have you ever noticed how she always acquires a new one right when she's taking a beating in the polls?

The team considers that for a moment.

JENNIFER

Nothing is ever quite what it seems with her.

SAMMIE

So what's the real reason for stealing Brad then?

JENNIFER

You mean besides the obvious? Voted sexiest man alive God knows how many times?

Elena laughs.

ELENA

Ha! He wouldn't go five minutes with me...

JENNIFER

You even know who you're talking about?

Tommy steps in.

TOMMY

Jennifer, this girl was once attacked by an armed Columbian rape gang. She fucked them all to death.

Jennifer raises an eyebrow, clearly impressed. Then an ALERT beeps at the monitor, and Tommy grabs the remote.

TOMMY

Incoming report!

On the screen, a NEWS ANCHOR reads a report.

NEWS ANCHOR

In world news, the UN summit on saving the children is fast approaching, and keynote speaker Angelina Jolie joins us now via satellite to report on her mission to do just that.

The screen splits between the Anchor and Angelina.

NEWS ANCHOR

Angelina, tell us about your mission.

ANGELINA

My love extends to the children of the entire world, and to show that, I am bringing a child from every part of the globe into my care.

The view cuts to her three new children.

ANGELINA

This is Zongwabi, an Austrailian aborigine boy.

ZONGWABI

I not Aus -

ANGELIINA

Shush! This one is Juanabellaninamina, from South America.

The girl shakes her head, looks away with shame.

IN THE ROOM, Dean curses.

DEAN

Sonofabitch, they got another one.

ON THE SCREEN, Angelina continues.

ANGELIINA

And this young boy is from... some totally poor part of Europe. His name is Adolf. Wave, Adolf!

Adolf sticks his arm straight out, wiggles his hand slightly.

ANGELIINA

When I return for the summit, I plan to propose creation of a new commission for saving the children, with me at the helm.

ANCHOR

You might be aware of the recent disappearance of Jennifer Aniston.

ANGELINA

Oh, I thought I heard something...

ANCHOR

Witnesses saw a skirmish on the beach in front of her home, and people are speculating that you murdered her and fed her to sharks. Is that what happened?

ANGELINA

Now that's just silly...

The Anchor holds up a Bowie knife, makes a slicing motion.

ANCHOR

Did you take a knife and cut out her heart in a more literal sense this time?

ANGELINA

Now hold it! Jennifer is a sweet and wonderful person, so I'm told, and my heartthought felts and prayers go out to her, and whoever, and I wish her only the best and safe return and whatever else. So let's just focus on the summit, and me, okay?

ANCHOR

Angelina, thank you for joining us.

The screen freezes on the image of Angelina, the team looks around at one another with gloom.

ROBBY

She's got six of them now.

Another ALERT BEEP sounds, the monitor switches to the control center of the Navy ship.

NAVY OFFICER

(onscreen)

Team Aniston, new report!

The Officer notices Jennifer among them, his eyes widen.

NAVY OFFICER

(onscreen)

Holy cripes, there's a lot of people looking for you!

DEAN

What's the report, lieutenant?

NAVY OFFICER

They're about to dock in India.

EXT. BASE ANISTON - AERIAL VIEW - DAY

The Team Aniston plane takes off, zooms skyward.

INT. TEAM ANISTON PLANE - AIRBORNE - DAY

As Jennifer watches, the team members ROCK OUT to the Team Aniston Theme, playing on the stereo.

JENNIFER

Would you kill that?

Clayton turns the music off, they all turn to her.

JENNIFER

That's just a little fucked up, okay?

DEAN

Sorry. Time to get back to business anyhow.

ROBBY

According to intelligence from the Team Aniston Global Security Committee...

JENNIFER

The WHAT!?

SAMMIE

It's comprised of Team Aniston members in world intelligence positions.

Jennifer reels with disbelief.

ROBBY

They've determined that a child from that region of the globe will complete her collection.

JENNIFER

Well then, I guess you better not let that happen.

EXT. INDIA - VILLAGE - DAY

The sound of MACHINE GUN FIRE comes from inside a wooden shack, then Jim-Bob emerges. He tosses a grenade back in, the shack EXPLODES.

NEARBY, Billy blasts another small house with his flamethrower, it's instantly ENGULFED in fire as screams come from within.

Angelina walks down the center of the street, laughing maniacally, as Brad walks at her shoulder. Brad's hair has now been cut into a Mohawk. Before them, screaming townspeople flee in terror.

ANGELINA

Andrea, that's the house!

Andrea approaches a house, in front of which a FATHER huddles with two CHILDREN. She throws dust from one of her pouches on them, they scream as their skin turns black and they DIE.

An INDIAN MOTHER comes to the door screaming with grief, Andrea blows a different dust on her.

INDIAN MOTHER

In God's name, what was that!?

ANDREA

Just sneezing powder!

The woman sneezes, and her head EXPLODES.

Brad points at Jade.

BRAD

Jade! We need you to take care of -

Angelina growls with anger.

ANGELINA

Brad, will you PLEASE just shut up and look pretty!

Brad gives her a kicked-puppy look.

Angelina points up to AMAR, a small boy sitting on the roof of the house.

ANGELINA

There's my boy! Get him!

Billy reaches up to grab the boy but he's too high.

BILLY

We need a ladder over here!

Jim-Bob walks over, reaches up and grabs the kid.

JIM-BOB

I don't need a ladder, I AM a fuckin' ladder!

As Jim-Bob lifts him down, the boy looks down at his deceased relatives, howls with anguish.

ANGELINA

Bring me my new baby!

Amar looks up from his family to see Angelina approaching with outstretched arms. His expression changes from anguish to unbridled terror, he lets loose an ear-shattering shriek.

BRAD

Jesus, shut that thing up!

Andrea takes some leaves from a pouch, rubs them on his face.

ANDREA

This'll relax him.

His face turns red, he starts CHOKING and passes out.

ANGELINA

Isn't that a little extreme?

Andrea looks at her like, "Huh?"

At that moment Viktor pulls up in the Hummer. He stops, and several human limbs and heads fall off the front bumper.

Angelina looks up, sees the Team Aniston plane buzz overhead.

ANGELINA

We've got what we need, let's go!

EXT. INDIA VILLAGE - GROUND - DAY

The plane lands on an empty road. As the team piles out along with Jennifer, a truck pulls up.

TRUCK DRIVER

Welcome! Team Aniston India is proud to assist.

DEAN

And we're proud to accept.

The Driver notices Jennifer standing among them.

TRUCK DRIVER

God has smiled on me today!

Dean jumps in the passenger side as the team climbs in the back. Jennifer starts toward the truck, but Tommy stops her.

TOMMY

Wait in the plane where it's safe, we'll take care of the work.

JENNIFER

If I have to sit in the plane, then what am I doing here?

Elena shoots Tommy a mean glance, then smiles at Jennifer.

ELENA

Sorry, we can't put you at risk.

Elena hands Jennifer a PDA with an earphone.

ELENA

This is for keeping in touch.

She walks away, the team starts climbing into the truck.

ELENA

(to Tommy)

Man, why you being such a dick to her?

TOMMY

(to Elena)

Because it's not enough just to have values, that's why.

As Jennifer watches the truck pull out of view, she notices KAMALIKA, a young Indian girl, watching from aside the street, her expression one of wonder. A few other children gather behind her.

Jennifer walks over toward the children who bounce giddily. She smiles, kneels down to their level.

JENNIFER

Well hello there, what's your name?

KAMALIKA

I am Kamalika! I can't believe this, I've always wanted to meet you!

IN NEARBY ALLEY

Brad watches the scene from hiding.

EXT. INDIA - CITY STREET - MOVING - DAY

The Team Jolie Hummer zooms through the street, everyone but Brad riding inside.

A DISTANCE BEHIND

The truck with Team Aniston pursues.

INT. TA INDIA TRUCK - DAY - MOVING

Dean looks out the front with some consternation.

DEAN

They're too far ahead of us!

TRUCK DRIVER

Don't worry, we have surprise planned.

EXT. INDIA - TA PLANE LOCATION - DAY

Jennifer and Kamalika continue to converse.

KAMALIKA

I admire how strong you are. I lost something too, and I am not nearly as brave.

JENNIFER

What did you lose?

KAMALIKA

My stepfather. He was the only one who really loved me, but he still left. I feel like I lost my last chance at being happy.

Jennifer looks at her with sympathy.

KAMALIKA

That's not the worst part either. Kids at school tease me, they say he left because I wasn't worth loving.

Jennifer's eyes widen with anger, she takes Kamalika by the shoulders.

JENNIFER

You listen to me. It hurts when people leave, but you can't depend on other for your happiness. Be the best you that you can be, and love will come find you.

EXT. TA TRUCK - MOVING - DAY

Tommy and Elena listen to Jennifer on their earphones.

EXT. TA PLANE LOCATION - DAY

Jennifer looks directly into Kamalika's eyes.

KAMALIKA

But what do I do when people use this to hurt me?

JENNIFER

No one loves a person who doesn't love themself, and loving yourself means standing up for yourself. You tell those people that this man would have walked out on any of them too.

Kamalika smiles, reaches up for a hug.

EXT. INDIA - CHASE LOCATION - MOVING - DAY

As Tommy and Elena listen in, Elena cracks a smile.

ELENA

How about that, mister values?

Tommy gives her a "that wasn't bad" glance.

IN TJ HUMMER

On the street ahead of the Team Jolie Hummer, two trucks back out of alleys and block the road.

ANGELINA

Go right!

Viktor swerves through a right turn, where they see another choice ahead of them. One road is free and clear, the other leads into a crowded market area.

ANGELINA

That way's a trap, go through the market!

IN TA TRUCK

The Driver sees which way the Hummer is going.

TRUCK DRIVER

They're not going for it!

IN TJ HUMMER

The Hummer plows through the market as people scatter.

ANGELINA

Andrea, show these people why you never challenge me!

Andrea removes a pouch from her belt, throws it into the air over the crowd.

IN CROWD

The pouch explodes into dust that settles on the people.

MAN IN CROWD

This is Anthrax!

Pandemonium erupts, as the TJ Hummer pulls away.

Moments later, the TA truck stops in front of the panicked crowd, Sammie jumps out. She puts on a magnifying eyepiece and examines the dust on one of the people.

SAMMIE

These people need testing and treatment right now.

DEAN

We don't have time.

MAN IN CROWD

There are no medical facilities close enough!

EXT. INDIA - TA PLANE - DAY

As Jennifer continues talking with the Kamalika, Dean's voice comes over the radio in the plane.

DEAN

Clayton, there's been an anthrax attack at the market.

CLAYTON

(into radio)

Are you staying to help?

DEAN

Negative, we can't miss this chance to get them.

KAMALIKA

(to Jennifer)

My mama is at that market!

EXT. INDIA - MARKET - DAY

Jennifer's voice comes over Dean's radio.

JENNIFER

Stay and help them. They need that child in good health, so we can still recover him later.

DEAN

(into radio)

If we don't stop them now, the numbers could be a lot worse than this.

JENNIFER

Dean, these are people, not numbers.

Dean watches with frustration as the Hummer pulls out of view.

ELENA

What'll we do?

DEAN

We'll do as she says. Sammie, set us up.

EXT. INDIA - TA PLANE - DAY

Clayton runs up behind Jennifer.

CLAYTON

We have to fly over there now, we've got supplies they need.

EXT. INDIA - MARKET - DAY

As Sammie pulls out her gear, Tommy steps over to her.

TOMMY

Will this take every one of us?

SAMMIE

I could spare one person.

Tommy runs to a parked motorcycle nearby, jumps on. He starts the motor and peels out in pursuit.

INT. TJ HUMMER - MOVING - DAY

Jade sees the motorcycle closing in.

JADE

The writer returns!

Angelina looks back.

ANGELINA

Billy, you know what to do.

Billy levels his flamethrower. As they pass a long line of parked trucks on the side of the road, Billy FIRES.

The ball of fire blocks their view of Tommy, when the flame goes out he's vanished.

BILLY

What the -

The motorcycle reappears from behind the line of trucks. Tommy swerves up alongside, snatches Amar from the Hummer and puts him on the seat in front of him.

Tommy veers away from the Hummer and guns the motor.

ANGELINA

After them!

Viktor swerves in pursuit, and starts the saw blades running. The Hummer closes in, the blades draw closer.

ON MOTORCYCLE

Amar looks back with fear in his eyes.

AMAR

How do we escape?

TOMMY

If I were writing this in a script, I'd find something narrow to scoot through... there!

A narrow alleyway appears before them, Tommy guns the motor and zips into it.

Outside the alley, the Hummer skids to a stop, and the occupants watch the motorcycle vanish. Angelina glances around at the witnesses watching the scene, cracks a smile.

ANGELINA

Let's go.

The Hummer takes off in the other direction.

EXT. INDIA - MARKETPLACE - DAY

As the team works busily to treat people, the Team Aniston plane swoops in, lands near the market. Jennifer jumps out of the plane with bags of supplies, runs to Sammie with the bags, and gestures for Sammie to show her what she can do to help.

Just as Tommy rides back in with Amar, Kamalika jumps out of the plane, calls for her mama.

At the treatment tables, Kamalika's mother shouts at her to stay back, but Sammie motions her on toward her daughter.

Elena runs to help Tommy, as Tommy watches Jennifer. Jennifer is busy at work testing people, smiling and making friendly conversation as she works. People gravitate to her line.

Tommy can't take his eyes off the scene.

INT. TEAM ANISTON PLANE - AIRBORNE - NIGHT

Amar sits next to Jennifer in the back of the plane.

ROBBY

Should we really be bringing him home with us?

JENNIFER

It's like the orphanage director said, bounty hunters will snatch him if we don't.

Amar nods ferverently with huge eyes.

AMAR

She wanted to name me Haklagakla!

Everyone shudders, then Elena leans close to him.

ELENA

Ever been to Disneyland?

Amar pumps his fist in the air.

AMAR
Yes!

EXT. BASE ANISTON - DAY

As the sun dips low in the sky, the plane lands and pulls to a stop in the hangar. As they get out and walk toward the door, Robby sees a package on the doorstep. He runs over with excitement and picks it up.

ROBBY

Yes, it's here!

INT. BASE ANISTON - EVENING

On the big screen, the video from JolieHomewrecker.com plays, as Robby and Sammie sit at a table. Robby tears open his package.

Nearby, Jennifer and Dean stand together, holding drinks and watching Amar play Call Of Duty 4. His character is running through the battle, wasting people right and left.

JENNIFER

He's not bad at this...

She faces Dean.

JENNIFER

So have they really been stopped?

DEAN

We've set them back to where they can't finish whatever they had planned for this summit.

Jennifer nods.

JENNIFER

I have to admit, it felt good to get in on the action.

At Sammie's and Robby's table, Robby reaches into the box.

SAMMIE

So what's your new gadget?

Robby pulls out a shiny smartphone.

SAMMIE

A phone?

ROBBY

This is NOT just a phone. It's a networking, weaponized, integrated combat system.

SAMMIE

What's it do?

Robby holds the phone up and snaps her picture. Then he does a little programming, and an evil-looking HOLOGRAM of Sammie appears in front of the phone. Robby speaks into the phone, his voice is altered to sound like the hologram's.

ROBBY

(altered voice)

You will all perish before me!

Sammie shrugs.

SAMMIE

Yeah, well, my phone does that...

ROBBY

But does it do this?

Robby grabs her hand and pulls her out the front door.

EXT. BASE ANISTON HOUSE - NIGHT

Robby and Sammie emerge onto the doorstep, Robby pulls up the image of an airplane cockpit on his phone.

SAMMIE

A flight-simulator game?

Robby banks the cockpit hard left.

IN THE SKY ABOVE, a passing jetliner banks hard left, dives toward the base. The plane pulls up and buzzes the base, as the screams of passengers are heard from within.

Sammie stands there with dinner-plate eyes.

SAMMIE

Gimme that.

ROBBY

Huh-uh!

Sammie grabs at the phone, chases Robby back inside.

INT. BASE ANISTON - NIGHT

Dean and Jennifer continue talking.

DEAN

How come you avoid getting involved in these things?

Jennifer sighs.

JENNIFER

Have you been through the grocery line lately? Every mean word or unhappy look is made out to be part of this feud of the millennium they're all thirsting for. If I got involved in fights like these, mine or otherwise, I'd never have my own life back again.

To the side of the room, Tommy and Elena sit together, listening in from a distance.

JENNIFER

Besides which, there's so much phoniness involved with that stuff.

DEAN

You mean like -

JENNIFER

She's just the most obvious example. I mean there's all kinds of people taking up causes and fights, pretending they're out to save the world, and it's really just for PR or tax write-offs, or because it's fashionable. I can't save the world...

Jennifer looks down just a bit.

JENNIFER

...and it would be just plain insincere to pretend any different.

Dean smiles with sympathy.

DEAN

You should know that Team Aniston grew by one whole town today, a town you helped save.

Jennifer looks back up to him.

DEAN

When everyone saves their own little piece, it adds up.

Jennifer smiles with a glimmer of pride.

TO THE SIDE of the room, Tommy and Elena continue listening.

ELENA

Puts a little different spin on the whole getting-in-the-fight thing, doesn't it?

Tommy gives a small nod, as Elena motions toward his laptop, with his script on the screen.

ELENA

You should tell her. You'll never get a chance like this again.

Tommy shakes his head.

TOMMY

Not happening. Hear me?

INT. BASE ANISTON - HANGAR - NIGHT

A thumping comes from inside the fuselage of the plane. A compartment door opens, Brad falls out, lands on the ground.

He jumps up in an action pose, and ninja's his way out of the hangar and into the house.

INT. BASE ANISTON - DARK HALLWAY - NIGHT

Brad peers in on the group, and Jennifer.

BRAD

(to himself)

Baby, won't you be surprised...

After a moment, he backs away, moves down the dark hall, then stops as he catches his reflection in a mirror.

BRAD

(to himself)

Hey, check me out! I can't fail with looks like this, and you know why?

A tempo builds, and then -

BRAD

(singing)

I'm so fuckin' cool!

Don't even try to measure up

Or you'll just look like a fool

I got the looks and the money

And the hottest bitch

I got a movie star mansion

And a car that kicks

I got kids...

I got so many fuckin' kids...

But hey, a couple of them are mine!

The rest are like icing! Icing that screams...

And needs changed...

It's all part of my plan though, seriously!

I'm so fuckin' cool

How else could I generate so much female drool

My smile is filled with white shiny crowns

The gray in my hair, well it dyes right out

One girl ain't enough for me, I deserve more

Angie's stupid to trust me but then she's a ho

She thinks she's the exception but she's the rule

Cause I'm so goddamn motherfuckin' cool!

As Brad finishes his number, his cellphone vibrates and he anwers.

MISTER T (V.0.)

Hey foo', this Mister T. That's my look you wearin' boy, and you better give it back 'fore I come on over there and whup yo' ass!

Brad squeezes the phone in a death grip.

INT. BASE ANISTON - NIGHT

As Tommy and Elena sit at their own table, Jennifer walks over to them.

JENNIFER

Hey guys.

Jennifer and Tommy exchange a nervous glance, Elena breaks the silence.

ELENA

Hey. You should take a look what's on Tommy's computer.

Jennifer sits down to look, Tommy quickly clicks a tab and another page appears, showing a comment forum. Jennifer looks, as Tommy gives Elena a quick glance of displeasure.

JENNIFER

Oh, it's that again.

TOMMY

Yep, still right there, saying to the world that there's no villain.

Jennifer stares at it, takes a slow breath.

TOMMY

I made you a profile. Want to set the record straight?

Jennifer's eyes are locked on the words "no villain".

JENNIFER

If I replied to that, then they'd just say -

TOMMY

Hold it right there.

Tommy leans close to her.

TOMMY

It's not about what they'll say!

Jennifer leans back in her chair, looks away.

TOMMY

Remember after 9-11, when the terrorists who were cutting off people's heads had world leaders actually wanting to sit at the table with them?

JENNIFER

What's that got to do with this?

TOMMY

That's the way evil works. They assume a moral high ground they don't really have, then they use it to intimidate good people into wanting their approval, when the truth of the matter is that their approval is the last thing on Earth anyone should want.

Jennifer clenches her teeth.

TOMMY

When they've succeeded at that, people are afraid to speak the truth and call the villains for who they are. And when that happens, they've won.

JENNIFER

Tommy, you think you know what my life is like and what all the answers are, but you just don't.

TOMMY

I don't know what all the answers are, but living with a lie hanging over your head? That's never the answer.

Tommy clicks the button that says "Leave Comment", and an empty window appears. He turns the laptop to Jennifer.

TOMMY

People need to hear the truth, and they need to hear it from you. So the question is, what is the truth?

Jennifer stares at the white empty space on the forum page, the cursor blinking in the upper left corner.

JENNIFER

The truth... is that I need to think about this.

She glances over her shoulder.

JENNIFER

I have to run to the bathroom.

Jennifer gets up and leaves them.

TOMMY

(to Elena)

See why this is a bad time for a pitch meeting?

ELENA

You should probably know something.

She taps the laptop.

ELENA

I already told her.

Tommy groans, puts his hands to his face.

TOMMY

I don't have the words to tell you how I wish you hadn't done that.

IN THE HALLWAY

Jennifer walks toward the bathroom. She rounds a corner, and suddenly spots Brad, still distracted by his own reflection.

JENNIFER

What the fuck are you doing here?

BRAD

Aren't you glad to see me, baby?

JENNIFER

I will be as soon as I get a rope around your neck!

Jennifer turns and shouts.

JENNIFER

Team, we've got trouble!

The team rushes in behind Jennifer.

DEAN

Holee crap, we've got him!

BRAD

That's what you think!

Brad bolts away, toward the hangar.

TOMMY

I'll stay with Jennifer, and I'll punch up a script. We'll trap him in the holding cell.

DEAN

Okay, get on it. Team, let's go!

As Tommy leads Jennifer back to the main room, the team takes off in pursuit of Brad.

IN THE MAIN ROOM

Tommy motions Jennifer and Amar over by the main monitor, as he types on his laptop.

IN THE HANGAR

The team's PDA's beep, they all look quickly. Dean motions the others to spread out.

From hiding, Brad sees them converging, bolts through a door and down into a basement. Dean motions the others back into the house and then chases after Brad.

IN THE HOUSE HALLWAY

Brad emerges from another basement door, to see Elena, Sammie and Robby blocking most of his routes. As Dean heads up the stairs behind him, he bolts through the only remaining door.

IN THE MAIN ROOM

Brad emerges near one end of the holding cell, which is open. He sees Jennifer standing outside the other end, charges through the cell as the team converges. Brad stops before the closed door as the team enters the cage behind him. Then he suddenly pulls the door open, steps out and closes it.

BRAD

(to Jennifer)

Surprise!

DEAN

Everyone, go back around!

As the team turns, the other door slams shut, and the key is turned. Elena rushes the door, grabs for the key, but the hand holding it moves back out of reach. She slowly looks up to the face behind the hand.

Tommy stares back at Elena for what feels like an eternity.

ELENA

This isn't happening...

BRAD

Wrong baby, it's happening.

Brad draws a pistol and a pair of handcuffs from under his shirt. He turns to Jennifer, tosses her the handcuffs.

BRAD

Have a seat, and cuff yourself to the chair.

JENNIFER

What if I don't, you'll shoot me?

BRAD

Don't be silly.

Brad tosses his pistol to Tommy.

BRAD

Team Jolie Six will shoot your new friends.

Tommy holds the pistol for a moment, then turns and points it toward the holding cell.

DEAN

You mother fucking traitor...

Jennifer looks at Tommy with complete disgust. Then she marches to the chair, sits down and cuffs herself to it.

The rumble of a helicopter shakes the house.

EXT. BASE ANISTON - DAY

The Team Jolie helicopter sets down on the landing strip.

INT. BASE ANISTON - MAIN ROOM - DAY

Angelina enters the main room wearing a victorious smile, her team following behind her. She saunters up to Brad, pats him on the head.

ANGELINA

Good boy.

Brad smiles sheepishly, as Jennifer stares at her with complete outrage.

JENNIFER

First you wreck my home, now this. What's your issue with me?

Angelina saunters over to Jennifer.

ANGELINA

Don't flatter yourself, this was never about you.

Angelina motions over her shoulder toward Brad.

ANGELINA

Want to know the real reason?

Jennifer raises her eyebrows, awaits her explanation.

ANGELINA

Standing is everything in what I do. I needed the top spot as queen of the number one power couple, and that pretty much meant taking it from you. Really, it wasn't personal.

The color drains out of Jennifer's face.

JENNIFER

Wow. Every time I think you've reached your lowest, you prove me wrong.

Jennifer looks up to face her.

JENNIFER

Well be advised, what goes around comes around. And that's not karma talking, that's me.

Elena shouts at Angelina from inside the cage.

ELENA

You're wrecking a lot of lives to get some stupid post.

Angelina laughs, turns around.

ANGELINA

Oh, it's so much better than that! When I use my collection to prove my love for the children of the whole world, it's been arranged that they will grant me absolute global authority to save the children.

SAMMIE

What the fuck are you going to do with that?

ANGELINA

You people have no imaginations. ANYTHING can be construed as being for saving the children, see?

Realization dawns over everyone in the room.

ANGELINA

When they take the vote and grant me the power, my acceptance speech will go like this.

Angelina takes a paper from her pocket, clears her throat.

ANGELINA

(reading)

Members of the General Assembly, I express my humble gratitude. As I have brought a child from every part of the globe into my care, I now want to do the same for every child in the world. The dangers they face are many, and the only solution is for me to personally oversee the care and raising of them all.

Her voice starts growing "imperial."

ANGELINA

To that end, I invoke my authority to declare that the governments of the world will be reorganized into the first global empire. And with me as the Imperial figurehead, the world will become a force for security for the children forever.

Angelina smiles with self-satisfaction.

ANGELINA

Applause!

Team Jolie applauds, as Team Aniston stares at Angelina with their jaws agape.

ANGELINA

Like it? Tommy wrote it for me.

ROBBY

(to Tommy)

I think we have a clue as to why you haven't sold anything yet...

JENNIFER

(to Tommy)

How could you help her do this?

ANGELINA

(to Jennifer)

You only have yourself to thank for that. He used to be a devoted member of your team, until one rejection after another drove him to my side.

JENNIFER

That wasn't me, it was...

ANGELINA

Your agent? Is he on your payroll, or are you on his?

Jennifer grits her teeth, looks away.

ANGELINA

It was Tommy's idea to stage your kidnapping attempt, so you could have this chance to prove whether you deserve all the work being done on your behalf. And you proved exactly what I knew you would.

Angelina bends down close to Jennifer.

ANGELINA

I love it when you say there's no villain. It give me free reign.

As Angelina stands up straight again.

ANGELINA

So now we come to my last remaining problem, and that is what to do with you. Your team I can easily keep on ice until this is over, but you have too many other followers who could interfere.

JENNIFER

So what, you're going to kill me?

ANGELINA

I would never be so foolish as to make a martyr of you. You see, you present a unique challenge because people actually believe that beneath the much-celebrated hair is a real human being. I'm going to take that away from them, and show them your superficial side.

Worry creeps into Jennifer's expression.

ANGELINA

You're being taken in for a little cosmetic surgery, which could be described as... massive.

Jennifer glances down at her chest with fear.

ANGELINA

As soon as the pictures are released, your following will evaporate.

Angelina turns and walks toward the door, her voice echoes through the room.

ANGELINA

After that, nothing can stop me.

EXT. BASE ANISTON - DAY

Wearing a black Team Jolie jumpsuit, Tommy watches as the Team Jolie helicopter takes off, with Dean, Robby, Sammie and Elena all staring at him out the side window.

When the helicopter is gone, Tommy turns and walks back in.

INT. BASE ANISTON - DAY

Tommy walks inside, where Jennifer is locked in the holding cell. He approaches the cell.

TOMMY

There's a truck coming to take you to the surgery center.

Jennifer stares at him with plain contempt.

TOMMY

It's going to leave on time, but you won't be on it.

JENNIFER

Then who will be?

Clayton comes out of the safe room, wheeling a hand truck with PAMELA ANDERSON strapped to it.

PAMELA

Stop it, let me go!

Pamela spots Jennifer.

PAMELA

Jennifer, what's going on?

JENNIFER

It appears you're being taken for an involuntary boob job.

Pamela looks back at her in surprise, then breaks a smile.

PAMELA

For free? Well that's not so bad!

Clayton wheels Pamela out the door, as Jennifer's expression becomes puzzled.

TOMMY

I'm not on their side anymore. I'm going to save the team, and I'm going to make this right again.

JENNIFER

Then why'd you help them?

TOMMY

One, they already had the base location and they could have bombed it if I didn't go through with this.

Jennifer shakes her head, not buying it.

TOMMY

Two, because until lately I really was on their side.

JENNIFER

Why, because you didn't get your project read?

Tommy looks down, shakes his head.

JENNIFER

It just so happens that I know a thing or two about rejection. Is that really all it took?

TOMMY

That was part of it, but it was really just part of the bigger problem. There's a war going on over your principles, and you're not helping the people who are fighting it.

Tommy turns away and begins assembling his gear, as Jennifer gives an angry sigh, puts her hand to her head.

JENNIFER

Fine. So that being the case, just let me the hell out so I can go home.

Beneath her hand, Jennifer glances toward the fireplace, and the heavy poker stick beside it.

TOMMY

There's nothing I'd love to do more than just that. Trouble is, what you're really planning is to clobber me, stuff me in that cage, commandeer the plane and go after the team yourself.

Jennifer looks up, stunned.

JENNIFER

Is my acting really that bad?

TOMMY

Your acting was flawless.

JENNIFER

Then how'd you -

TOMMY

Loyalty. It's the reason you can't understand betrayal, and it's the reason you'd never walk out on people who love you, no matter how whacked you think they are.

Jennifer listens with growing desperation.

TOMMY

It's the thing that Team Jolie has none of, which is why people who don't care about it gravitate to her side. And that's why I truly consider this one of the most important issues of our time, because it separates people who choose sincerity from those who side with disingenuousness.

Tommy steps closer to her.

TOMMY

You have it, but it's one of the things you're not standing up for.

Jennifer grabs the bars of the door.

JENNIFER

Tommy, you can't save them alone. Please let me help!

Tommy shakes his head.

TOMMY

I wish I could, but you're not committed to doing what it takes.

Tommy turns back to his gear, as Jennifer gives him a look of astonishment.

JENNIFER

Did you just tell me that I haven't earned a spot on my own team?

TOMMY

Jennifer, your staying out of this fight is the whole reason you need a team.

Jennifer's jaw goes slack, as Tommy faces her.

TOMMY

I understand now the kind of pressure you've been up against. But what Team Aniston is about boils down to truth. If you won't say what the truth is, no matter what the reason or cost, then how can I trust you to really fight for it?

Tommy turns back to his gear, as Jennifer heaves a breath.

JENNIFER

(shouting)

Of course there's a goddamn villain!

Tommy turns back with a look bordering on delight.

JENNIFER

And if you think a day has gone by that I haven't dreamed about smashing her face with a fucking brick then you better think again!

TOMMY

You've said it to me, now will you say it to the world?

Tommy steps closer, as Jennifer looks frantically around.

TOMMY

You want to save the team, but why? Is their mission your mission?

JENNIFER

For the love of GOD what do you want from me?

Tommy's smile fades, he thinks a moment.

TOMMY

Until you stop holding yourself back, I can't use you. So the only thing I want from you right now, is to go home and be safe.

Jennifer shrinks away from the bars.

Tommy reaches inside his jumpsuit, takes out some folded pages and sets them between the bars.

TOMMY

This is something I wrote for you. It's up to you whether to use it, but it's relevant.

Tommy finishes with his gear, prepares to head for the door.

TOMMY

I'm blowing up the communications array so it looks like the base is destroyed. Your phone is locked in the safe, and I used it already to leave Kevin a voicemail. He'll come get you in the morning.

Tommy steps over to Clayton.

TOMMY

You can let her out when I'm gone.

CLAYTON

I really wish you'd bring me.

TOMMY

Someone has to stay with her.

Clayton shakes his hand, pats his shoulder.

CLAYTON

Give 'em hell, soldier.

Tommy walks to the front door.

JENNIFER

(shouting)

This is about the whole world, Tommy. Everyone has a right to be involved!

Tommy looks back over his shoulder with pain in his eyes.

TOMMY

Everyone but you.

EXT. BASE ANISTON - NIGHT

The plane zooms down the runway and takes off. Behind the plane, the communications array EXPLODES.

INT. TEAM ANISTON PLANE - NIGHT - FLYING

SOUNDTRACK: Dum Dog Run, "Jennifer Aniston Don't Love Me Anymore"

Tommy flies the plane, surrounded by the dark night, staring at the picture of Jennifer on the plane's dashboard.

EXT. BASE ANISTON - LATER - EARLY DAWN

As the red glow of dawn appears in the East, Jennifer and Clayton sit on the front steps watching, both having a smoke.

CLAYTON

You should quit those things.

Jennifer chuckles.

JENNIFER

What's your excuse?

CLAYTON

I'm old, I can afford to.

Jennifer smiles, looks down.

JENNIFER

Sometimes I feel old.

CLAYTON

And beaten?

Jennifer gives a small nod.

CLAYTON

Lemme show you something.

Clayton gets up and quickly steps inside. He returns with a magazine, sits back down.

CLAYTON

Remember this?

He holds it out to her, she sees it's the September 2001 Rolling Stone with her on the cover. She's wearing faded tight jeans, a hot black top, black strap around her narrow waist, her hair cascading down gloriously about her face.

CLAYTON

You know what this picture says to me? It says, "don't even dare to fuckin' dream."

Jennifer gives up a small laugh.

CLAYTON

Remember "Rock Star"?

Jennifer groans with embarrassment.

CLAYTON

Now let's face it, Rock Star was not one of the great statements of our time. But the way all those cold-blooded digs rolled off your tongue in that movie just made an impression that never went away, for me anyhow.

JENNIFER

That part of it was kinda fun.

CLAYTON

But then you started playin' all these downtrodden characters. Never understood why. You used to downright intimidate people.

JENNIFER

Yeah, used to. Now I have to face the gauntlet by myself with no way to know if I can win. Guess it showed up in some of my choices.

They both take another drag from their smokes.

CLAYTON

Is winnin' what worries you?

Jennifer gives a small nod.

CLAYTON

Let me tell you about one of the greatest battles I ever fought. Richard Gere was supposed to be in The Lords Of Flatbush, but Sly Stallone got him kicked off the set. Stallone wasn't satisfied with that though, some years later he made up a phony press release to start that gerbil rumor. When his people headed out of his driveway to pass it around, me and my boys were waiting. Only trouble was, the guys coming out were a bunch of Stallone's stunt doubles.

JENNIFER

Ooh. How'd you win that one?

CLAYTON

We didn't, we got our asses handed to us big time.

Jennifer's eyebrows go up.

JENNIFER

So it didn't really make a difference then.

CLAYTON

Wrong, it made all the difference.

They face each other.

CLAYTON

Winning matters, but you know what matters more than that? Being there. Because when you're not there, the bad guys win without even a fight.

Jennifer raises her cigarette for a puff, then stops. She looks at it, cracks a smile, then Clayton holds his up too.

They drop their cigarettes together and stamp them out.

EXT. NEW YORK - LONG ISLAND - MONTAUK AIRPORT \- DAWN

As the day breaks, the Team Aniston plane lands on the strip, with the Team Jolie ship docked nearby.

MINUTES LATER

Tommy walks toward the ship, where Angelina and Brad await him on the dock. Brad finally has his own hair back again.

ANGELIINA

Excellent work, Tommy. We're a few hours out of New York Harbor, so why don't you keep your old teammates company on the way?

Tommy cracks a smile.

TOMMY

Just what I was hoping for.

INT. TEAM JOLIE SHIP - BRIG - DAY

Flanked by Angelina and Brad, Tommy walks down the stairs to where Dean, Robby, Sammie and Elena are locked in the brig.

ANGELINA

(to TA)

Good news, Tommy's keeping you company for the rest of the trip.

Brad pulls a pistol, waves them back from the door, then he unlocks it.

TOMMY

Brad, what are you do-

Angelina points her remote button at Tommy, he freezes.

ROBBY

What's that thing control?

ANGELINA

Everyone on my team wears shock jocks, just in case their loyalties come into question. Case in point...

Angelina holds up an MP3 player and pushes the button, Tommy's voice plays.

TOMMY (V.O.)

I'm not on their side anymore. I'm going to save the team, and I'm going to make this right again...

Angelina turns the player off.

ANGELINA

You didn't think we were trusting you all alone, without even a little spyware on your laptop, did you?

Angelina waves Tommy into the cage. He slowly steps inside, and Brad locks the door behind him.

ANGELINA

This should be good.

Angelina and Brad walk up the stairs, out of the room.

In the cage, Elena slowly steps forward, with the team at her shoulders, wearing a look of absolute betrayal.

She punches Tommy, knocks him back against the bars, and the rest of the team moves forward with their fists pulled back.

EXT. BASE ANISTON - DAWN

As Jennifer and Clayton stand outside the house, a small airplane descends and lands on the strip. The door opens, and Kevin gets out of the pilot's seat.

KEVIN

Jennifer, thank God you're okay. Let's get you home -

JENNIFER

Not now. You have the combination?

Kevin takes a piece of paper out of his pocket.

KEVIN

Right here, but -

Jennifer grabs the paper, marches into the house.

INT. BASE ANISTON - DAY

Jennifer goes to the safe and spins the dial, as Kevin and Clayton follow her into the house. Kevin walks toward the communications center and looks it over with horror.

KEVIN

Look at all this intelligence coming in! From factual sources! How in the world do they spin this much information?

Jennifer opens the safe door, goes in and pulls it closed behind her as Kevin looks on with a confounded expression.

KEVIN

Jennifer, we really need to go so I can get busy denying all this...

CLAYTON

Sonny, I don't think you're headed home straight away.

Moments later the door opens and Jennifer emerges, and both men's breaths are taken away.

Jennifer is wearing a Team Aniston jumpsuit, and it fits her perfectly. She adjusts it and zips up the front.

JENNIFER

Well, how do I look?

KEVIN

Good enough to make me switch teams...

Jennifer smiles, steps closer to Kevin.

JENNIFER

Kevin, we're not denying anything today.

Kevin grimaces.

JENNIFER

There's a web of deceit that's going to snare a lot of people, and the only thing that can stop it is something we should have used a long time ago, the truth.

Jennifer puts her hand out.

JENNIFER

Are you with me?

Kevin considers it with reluctance.

KEVIN

You sure about this?

Jennifer gives a firm nod. Kevin slowly reaches out, takes her hand.

KEVIN

Then go, Team Aniston!

INT. TEAM JOLIE SHIP - MAIN ROOM - DAY

Angelina dictates to Jade, as she grooms the children chained to their pedestals. Tommy sits in the cage, looking out through the bars with two black eyes.

ANGELIINA

Upon securing global domination, item one will be to mobilize world military forces to insure all children are raised according to my doctrine.

Jade jots it down.

ANGELIINA

Item two, require everyone to watch Beyond Borders. Item three, one Jon Voight, aka "Daddy", will be selected for the first manned mission to Mars. But not the first return trip.

Jade scratches away on the notpad.

TOMMY

Not gonna happen that way. The word is out.

ANGELINA

And I care about that... why?

TOMMY

It's not too late for you to be intercepted.

ANGELINA

HA! My ship is impenetrable by the likes of you.

Tommy cracks a grin.

TOMMY

Clearly you've never been to Evil Overlord dot com.

Angelina goes to her desk, sits in front of the computer and punches up the website.

ANGELINA

"The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Became An Evil Overlord." Well, that's me...

She reads down the list.

ANGELINA

Hmm. Item two, "My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through."

Angelina glances at a nearby vent screen, hears a noise inside. Startled, she gets up and pulls the vent cover off.

INSIDE THE VENT, the ventilation duct is six feet high, and engineering crewmembers are walking back and forth inside.

ANGELINA

What are you doing in here?

ENGINEER 1

(Australian accent)

We use this for our corridor.

ANGELINA

This is a major security breach!

ENGINEER 1

Well you won't let us use the fuckin' hallways 'cause we pollute the appearance of your boat, so what would you like us to do, exactly?

Angelina clenches her fists with rage.

ANGELINA

FIX THIS NOW!

The Engineer throws his hands up, walks away.

Brad walks down the stairs, as he does so he sees the other four Team Aniston members huddled together in the back corner of the brig.

BRAD

What the hell is this?

TOMMY

They're giving their respects to Jennifer, and asking her guidance. It's what we all did together every day.

ANGELINA

And you were in on that?

TOMMY

In point of fact, I had a new musical tribute about ready to go.

Tommy pulls out a sheet of paper with music written on it.

TOMMY

Jade, would you mind?

Jade takes the paper from him.

JADE

If you say so...

Jade walks to the piano. As the Team Aniston members turn to watch, she does a short, strummy lead-in, and starts playing.

TOMMY

(singing)

You may have wondered

What's been filling Jennifer's late nights

Since her cheating husband

Got caught and went to flight

You needn't worry, a lack of fun is

The last thing on her mind

A better time is not at all

That difficult to find

Everybody's better than Brad

No matter who she do

And that means Jen's having better sex

Than you-know-who

Could I get that rating?

Part of me wants to know for myself

But another part knows if I couldn't

I'd have to fuckin' kill myself

So that's the dirty secret

That Angie keeps inside

When Jen drops that bomb she cringes

And does her best not to cry

But when the sun goes down

The night gives her no place to hide

From the festering wound

That keeps her all unsatisfied

Cause everybody's better than Brad

But don't take that from me

I've followed the news

The numbers are a hundred percent you see

Who can blame Angie

For wanting a little real fun on the side

Before her single life

Completely shrivels up and dies

Everybody's better than Brad

It's just a fact of life

Is it any wonder

Angelina still is not his wife

It has to suck to be Angie

Where does she find her glee

She stole a ticking two-timer

From the poor section of Oooooo Cityyyyyy

As Tommy finishes, Elena bounces to the tune, until the others look at her and she drops her smile.

Outside the cage, Angelina seethes with rage while Brad hangs his head.

INT. TEAM JOLIE SHIP - BRIDGE - HOURS LATER - DAY

New York Harbor comes into view. Brad and Angelina stand watching, as their team sits at their posts on the bridge.

Angelina notices a small airplane heading in their direction. As she watches, the plane begins descending toward them.

ANGELINA

What the hell...

The plane takes a sharp dive, everyone screams and ducks. The plane swoops overhead, and a FIREBOMB lands on the bow of the boat.

INT. KEVIN'S PLANE - DAY

Kevin pulls the plane up, banks left.

KEVIN

Wooo Hoooo!! First one's in, second pass coming!

IN SHIP'S BRIDGE

Angelina shouts to her team.

ANGELINA

Get out there and knock that thing down!

Angelina's team scrambles out onto the deck.

IN THE AIR

Kevin brings the plane around for another pass.

ON SHIP'S BOW

As the plane swoops down and drops another Molotov coctail, Billy fires his flamethrower and the plane flies through the fire. As the plane pulls upward, they all run to the port side to follow, and Jim-Bob fires a burst from his rifle.

IN THE PLANE

Kevin SCREAMS as bullets strike the plane.

KEVIN

How the FUCK am I going to deny this???

He looks to his right.

KEVIN

Jennifer, now's the time!

ON THE WATER

From behind another ship, a small SPEEDBOAT appears, skimming the water at full speed toward the TJ ship. Clayton drives the boat, and Jennifer stands at the bow, wearing sunglasses and a look of fierce determination.

ON SHIP'S BRIDGE

Angelina sees the boat coming, shouts to her team.

ANGELINA

The plane's a decoy, Jennifer approaching!

A surprised Brad looks quickly out the window.

ON SHIP'S BOW

Team Jolie gives stunned looks to one another.

IN THE BRIG

Team Aniston hears the shout, they all run to the porthole next to their cage and look out.

ELENA

SHE'S coming for US?!

Dean faces Tommy.

DEAN

You let her put herself in danger?

TOMMY

No, she was supposed to go home!

Tommy opens his laptop.

TOMMY

But I came prepared in case she didn't.

Tommy selects a message, pushes SEND.

ON THE SPEEDBOAT

Jennifer's PDA beeps, she quickly looks, then points out directions to Clayton.

ON SHIP'S DECK

Team Jolie rushes back to the other side, just in time to see the speedboat disappear from view beneath the bow.

VIKTOR

Spread out!

They all spread out to watch for the boat. It reappears and zooms away, but Jennifer's not in it. They look at one another with horror.

JIM-BOB

Aw fuck, bottom porthole!

INT. TEAM JOLIE SHIP - MAIN ROOM - DAY

As Team Aniston watches from inside the cage, Angelina and Brad walk down the stairs with their team behind them.

Suddenly the ship's engines go silent.

ANDREA

We're stopped!

The lights go out, only the daylight seeping in remains. Angelina grits her teeth in anger.

ANGELINA

(to her team)

Search the ship and take her down. We'll wait here.

Angelina's team splits up and leaves, Angelina and Brad back up against the wall, cover the entrances with their guns. Angelina covers her side with a look of gritty determination, while Brad bobs back and forth in cool action poses.

BRAD

Hey, this is just like Mr. and Mrs. -

ANGELINA

Oh please GOD make it stop...

TOMMY

(under his breath)

And three... two...

Angie and Brad hear a noise in the vent behind them, slowly turn their heads.

ANGELINA

I had that fixed, no one can get through there!

Jennifer's voice replies from inside the vent.

JENNIFER

Just because you can't fit your ass through here doesn't mean I can't!

The vent bursts open, Jennifer emerges with two pistols, spraying gunfire. Angelina and Brad bolt up the stairs, screaming amid the bullets.

Jennifer climbs out, runs toward the cage, but suddenly bullets strike the wall nearby, force her back. Viktor stands at the entrance, shooting away, and Jennifer fires back to keep him at bay.

In the cage, Tommy turns to Dean.

TOMMY

Dean, down on all fours now.

DEAN

Fuck you, traitor.

Jennifer fires another burst at the doors.

JENNIFER

Do as he says!

SAMMIE

No, it's another trick!

One of Jennifer's guns runs empty, and the slide locks back. She turns and faces her team directly.

JENNIFER

Are you my team, or aren't you?

Dean stares Tommy in the eye.

DEAN

Fuck us again and you're dead.

TOMMY

I'd kill myself first.

Dean drops down on all fours, Tommy steps up on his back.

TOMMY

Angie did her second-guessing...

He punches a hole in the ceiling, pulls out a key.

TOMMY

...I did mine.

Tommy tosses the key to Elena. She quickly puts the key in the lock, and breaks a big smile when the door swings open. She turns back toward Tommy, but Tommy charges out the door at full tilt, screaming.

Tommy rushes Viktor, who swings his pistol straight at him.

JENNIFER

Tommy, NO!

Jennifer throws her empty gun at Viktor, knocks his gun aside just as it fires. Tommy slams into Viktor, punches wildly, knocks him to the floor.

The rest of Team Aniston emerges from the cage.

TOMMY

I'll take care of this one, get the others!

DEAN

(to Team)

They'll be blocking the routes between us and Angie. Let's split up!

Robby and Sammie head out into the corridor, Dean and Elena pause as Jennifer picks up her pistol. Dean points to it.

DEAN

Is that a...

JENNIFER

Kimber custom 1911? Yep.

Dean looks at it with surprise.

JENNIFER

Where these assholes are concerned, the gloves are off and so are the triggerlocks!

Dean breaks a smile, he and Elena head up the stairs.

Viktor slowly stands, glares at Tommy, closes his fist into a crushing grip in front of him.

VIKTOR

I vill crush you!

Tommy looks at him like, huh?

VIKTOR

Look, I Russian, I got to say something scary like that.

Tommy nods okay, then Viktor grabs him and airmails him into the wall.

ON THE SHIP'S BOW

Dean and Elena emerge, to find Jim-Bob and Jade waiting, with Jim-Bob holding his machine gun ready. Dean breaks left and Elena right, just as he fires a burst.

Dean grabs a chunk of metal lying on the deck, flings it at Jim-Bob, hits him in the head. Dean charges him, but Jim-Bob strikes him with the rifle butt, knocks him down.

As Elena turns to help out, she's confronted by Jade, with both swords drawn. Jade whips her swords around and advances. Elena grabs a 2x4 off the deck, blocks one sword, then kicks up the other end of the board to knock the other sword from her hand. She butt-strikes Jade in the midsection, knocks her back, then drops the 2x4 and picks up the sword.

ELENA

Why should you have two and I get none?

Jade screams and attacks, Elena deflects the sword strikes with Spanish fencing style.

INT. SHIP CORRIDOR - DAY

As Robby and Sammie move down the hallway, Billy steps out of a doorway, fires a flamethrower blast at them. They scream, then Robby knocks open another door, pulls Sammie inside and closes it behind them.

IN ENGINE ROOM

Robby and Sammie look around, see they're in the engine room. Sammie takes a sniff, notices a strange odor.

SAMMIE

What's that smell...

Robby looks around, they see DUST blowing in through a vent. Their eyes start watering, their breathing becomes labored.

SAMMIE

It's genetically engineered hyper-allergenic pollen dust!

Sammie quickly grabs some pills from her belt.

SAMMIE

Quick, take the organic antihistamine before we choke to death!

Robby and Sammie slam the pills down, then a door across the room bursts open and Andrea steps in.

ANDREA

No worries, I've got plenty more tricks where that came from!

The door behind them is kicked from outside, and it starts to splinter open. Robby braces the door as the women face off.

ANDREA

Have a little mustard gas!

Andrea pulls a canister from her belt and SPRAYS them, Sammie grabs a small container of plant pulp from her belt and smears it on her skin.

SAMMIE

Aloe Vera will fix that!

Robby coughs and gags as he holds the door shut.

INT. SHIP - MAIN ROOM - DAY

Tommy attacks Viktor with a scream, but one punch from Viktor flattens him. He starts crawling to his feet.

JENNIFER

What do I do?

TOMMY

Just stay back while I -

Viktor grabs Tommy, SMASHES him into the wall again. As he lands on the floor, Viktor picks up one of the vacant stone pedestals, raises it over Tommy's head.

JENNIFER

Wait!

Viktor turns to her, Jennifer runs a finger down her cleavage.

JENNIFER

Let him live, and you can see these.

Viktor's eyes spring open.

VIKTOR

I could see ze breasts of Jen?!

Angelina's voice comes over a speaker.

ANGELINA

Uh, Viktor, kill them both now and you can see mine!

VIKTOR

Zo fucking vat, everybody seen yours!

Viktor puts the pedastal down, motions Jennifer onward. As Tommy watches from behind her, Jennifer zips down her jumpsuit, opens it slowly, and a soft glow emanates from within. Viktor falls to his knees, stretches his arms out toward the glorious sight, and the sound of singing angels fills his ears.

JENNIFER

Oh Vik?

Viktor looks up to her.

JENNIFER

I don't lose men, I USE them!

Jennifer presses a switch in her hand, a BRIGHT FLASH hits Viktor square in the eyes. He claps his hands over his eyes and falls to the floor, laying there screaming.

Jennifer zips up her jumpsuit, as Tommy gets to his feet.

JENNIFER

Laser diode nipple rings. Found them on Robby's workbench.

TOMMY

Man, you fucked him right over!

JENNIFER

I may not be a writer, but us actors have our moments.

Tommy stares at her, amazed by the change he sees.

JENNIFER

So what do you say, am I in?

TOMMY

For what it's still worth, you've sure as hell got my vote.

Tommy and Jennifer give each other a high-five.

JENNIFER/TOMMY

Teamwork, baby!

ON THE SHIP'S BOW

Dean and Jim-Bob wrestle each other to the deck. Jim-Bob pulls a large combat knife, drives it toward Dean's head. Dean grabs his arm to stop it, pulls his own knife, both men struggle to impale each other's heads. As the points of the knives points move closer to their skulls, both men are distracted by -

\- Jade and Elena battling nearby. They clash swords, then Elena grabs Jade in a headlock and pulls her down to the deck. Jade counters with a crotch grab, Elena screams and returns a titty-twister, and both women squirm and thrash in an extremely distracting fashion.

Jim-Bob motions toward the women.

JIM-BOB

(to Dean)

I call time-out.

DEAN

Deal!

The men break from fighting, run over to watch.

DEAN

Elena, use the booty crush!

JIM-BOB

(to Dean)

What's the booty crush?

DEAN

Man, you got to see this.

The women see the men staring and start screaming at them. Dean and Jim-Bob take token jabs at each other as they continue to watch.

JADE

(to Elena)

Why don't you give this up and go play with your sex toys?

ELENA

I don't need a sex toy...

Elena whips her legs around Jade's neck, grabs her hair and pulls her face into her crotch.

ELENA

...I AM a sex toy!

Jade thrashes as Elena smothers her, then slowly passes out.

As the men watch with their jaws agape, Elena puts two fingers to her lips and mimics taking a satisfied puff on a cigarette.

As Jim-Bob stares, Dean's fist clobbers him unconscious. Then Dean and Elena high-five.

DEAN/ELENA

Teamwork, baby!

INT. SHIP - ENGINE ROOM - DAY

Andrea throws some powder into Sammie's face.

ANDREA

Try some anthrax!

SAMMIE

Too late, already took the natural vaccine. Here, you have some good old-fashioned cayenne pepper extract!

Sammie sprays her with pepper spray, Andrea grabs her eyes and coughs.

ANDREA

Oh you bitch!

Right then, the door Robby's holding shut BURSTS OPEN, knocks Robby back. Billy steps through and levels the flamethrower.

ROBBY

Pull that trigger in here and you'll blow us all up!

Billy tosses the flamethrower aside, pulls a ninja mask from his pocket and puts it on.

BILLY

In that case, I'll take care of you ninja style!

Billy flips a light switch, the engine room goes dark. Robby watches as his dark shape disappears into some shadows, then SMACK! Robby gets clobbered, but the dark shape disappears before he can hit back.

NEAR THE ENGINE, Sammie faces Andrea in the darkness.

ANDREA

Now you can't see what's coming next! I'll give you a hint, it's really bad for the skin.

Sammie quickly grabs some LUMINISCENT POWDER from her belt and flings it on Andrea. The dust settles on her, Andrea looks down at her glowing body with great dismay.

SAMMIE

Oh look, thanks to my luminescent plant spores, I can see you again.

Andrea looks around quickly, becoming disoriented.

SAMMIE

Did I mention the spores came from glowing psilocybin mushrooms?

Sammie holds the small glowing pouch of spores by the string, starts whipping it around in a circle.

ANDREA

Whoa, tracers!

NEARBY, Robby looks around frantically as Billy hits him from the shadows a couple more times, then vanishes.

BILLY

(from shadows)

Ninjas rule! How you gonna see me without even a flashlight?

Robby sees his dark silhouette approaching again.

ROBBY

I don't need a flashlight, I AM a flashlight!

Robby presses switches on the sides of his gloves, rows of bright LED mini-lights shine in Billy's face, blinding him.

Robby smacks him once with a left, then a right, Billy backs away.

BILLY

That ain't fair, I can't see you!

Robby hits him with a fast flurry, all Billy sees is a blur of lights. With one final blow, Billy falls to the floor unconscious.

NEAR THE ENGINE, Andrea is completely dazzled by the psychedelic display of lights, as Sammie walks to a shelf of cleaning supplies.

SAMMIE

Let's see, ammonia...

Sammie throws a bottle of ammonia on the floor beneath Andrea.

SAMMIE

And bleach!

Sammie dumps some bleach on the floor, steps back. The fumes from the mixture choke Andrea unconscious, she collapses.

Robby and Sammie high-five.

ROBBY/SAMMIE

Teamwork, baby!

INT. SHIP - MAIN ROOM - MINUTES LATER - DAY

Team Aniston drags the last of the Team Jolie members into the brig, prepares to close the door.

Angelina's voice shouts at them from a porthole above.

ANGELINA

Everybody freeze, or Hakladakla gets it!

They all look to see Angelina holding a gun to Amar's head.

JENNIFER

You can't shoot him, or -

ANGELINA

I've got time to replace him. Now everyone in that cage!

Team Jolie gets to their feet, walks out of the cage, as Jennifer and her team reluctantly walk in.

Tommy pauses at the door, turns to look at Amar. Tommy twitches his eyebrows, Amar suddenly grabs the remote button from Angelina's neck, throws it. Tommy lunges, catches it, then turns as Team Jolie surrounds him.

VIKTOR

Jou can only get von of us with that.

JADE

Then the rest of us will kill you.

Tommy smiles at Jade.

TOMMY

Well, you know what Jade? I've always wanted to see what this would do to you.

Tommy suddenly snaps the directional cone off the remote. He presses the button and the LED inside shines on them all. All six of them scream, grab their groins and drop to the floor.

ON THE DECK, Brad grabs his groin and falls too.

IN THE MAIN ROOM – MOMENTS LATER

Team Aniston drags the last of Team Jolie into the cage. Then Dean grabs the arm of Tommy, who is still lying on the floor blocking the cage door.

As everyone watches to see what he's going to do, Dean pulls Tommy out of the doorway and away from the cage. Then he slams it shut.

Tommy comes around. He lifts his head, looks toward Jade and Andrea, both gasping while their affixed devices make a buzzing sound.

TOMMY

That is so unfair...

Elena and Robby help Tommy to stand, as they hear the helicopter engine start.

IN THE SHIP'S BRIDGE

Angelina opens a cover on a panel, revealing a large red button labeled "DESTRUCT". She pushes the button, a timer starts counting down from three minutes.

IN THE MAIN ROOM

A computer voice announces.

COMPUTER VOICE

Destruct sequence activated. You have three minutes before you are blasted into burning smithereens.

Team Aniston bolts for the stairs, as Andrea shouts from inside the cage.

ANDREA

Hello! What about us?

Tommy stops, grabs some pages out of his jumpsuit, runs back and hands them to her.

TOMMY

I planned for that. Read this script, it'll tell you what to do.

Tommy leaves them, runs up the stairs after the others.

ON THE HELICOPTER DECK

The rotor spins faster, as Maddox herds the other kids into the copter. Brad picks himself up off the deck as Angelina comes along and grabs him. As she drags him to the helicopter, Team Aniston appears on the deck.

SAMMIE

We're too late!

Jennifer steps forward, shouts to Brad.

JENNIFER

Brad!

Brad turns to look.

JENNIFER

I want you to know, that in spite of all that's happened, I still love you.

Behind her, Tommy breaks a smile.

TOMMY

Holy crap, I just got something into production!

DEAN

What do you mean?

TOMMY

Ain't gonna spoil it.

At the helicopter, Brad gives Jennifer a forlorn look, as Angelina glares and pulls the door shut. Then the helicopter takes off.

Elena checks her watch.

ELENA

We've got less than two minutes!

A horn blares, they run to the side of the ship and look down. The speedboat sits alongside, Clayton waves them down.

IN THE SHIP'S BRIG

Andrea holds the script pages, reading.

VIKTOR

Vat it say?

ANDREA

It says, "As the computer counts down, Team Jolie frantically reads the script pages, looking for an answer or a sign of hope that never appears."

ON THE DECK

A rope ladder is dropped, TA quickly climbs down.

IN THE BRIG

Andrea continues reading.

ANDREA

"The counter reaches five, Jade says, 'This is fucked,' and seconds later the ship explodes and the fiery blast ends their miserable existence."

Team Jolie stares at one another, dumbstruck.

OUTSIDE THE SHIP

The speedboat pulls away, Clayton punches the motor.

IN THE BRIG

The computer voice counting down reaches five.

JADE

This is fucked!

Seconds later, the ship explodes, and the fiery blast ends their miserable existence.

EXT. NEW YORK HARBOR - TA SPEEDBOAT - DAY

As the speedboat zooms away, everyone watches the Team Jolie ship explode and start sinking.

In front of them, Angelina's helicopter pulls ahead. Robby pushes some buttons on his phone, and a jetliner swoops down and buzzes the copter.

The team turns to face Tommy.

DEAN

So, are we actually going to take you back?

JENNIFER

(to Dean)

Is it really my principles that you live by?

Everyone turns to listen to her.

JENNIFER

Because I believe in second chances.

Elena cracks a smile, nods her head.

ELENA

In that case, so do we.

Jennifer reaches into a compartment, pulls out a rolled-up Team Aniston jumpsuit.

JENNIFER

(to Tommy)

You look ridiculous in that.

She shoves the suit into Tommy's stomach.

JENNIFER

Now get this on, we've got a world to save!

Tommy takes it from her with a smile, wipes a tear from his eye as the speedboat zooms on toward the harbor.

EXT. UN BUILDING - DAY

People flow in and out of the building, as a NEWS REPORTERETTE films live in front of the building.

REPORTERETTE

Less than an hour remains before the summit gets underway, and the whole world awaits the arrival of Angelina Jolie.

The Reporterette hears a helicopter, looks to see Angelina's chopper descend.

REPORTERETTE

That's her arriving now!

The helicopter sets down in the park across from the building. Angelina gets out, followed by Brad and the children. A star-struck crowd of people converges in, as the Reporterette approaches for an interview.

REPORTERETTE

Angelina, I see you've made some additions to your home!

ANGELINA

Yes we have. As my love goes out to the children of the whole world, I've now brought a child from every part of the globe into my family.

A male REPORTER calls out to her.

REPORTER

I notice you haven't adopted any impoverished kids from North America. Seems like part of the world is missing from your circle of love.

Angelina glances around nervously, spots a NATIVE AMERICAN BOY in the crowd with his FATHER.

ANGELINA

Oh there you are!

Angelina trots over, grabs the boy up.

NATIVE AMERICAN FATHER

Hey! You can't just -

CLANK! The Father collapses unconscious as Maddox jumps up on his back and thumps him with his steel fist.

Angelina holds the Native American Boy up.

ANGELINA

This is my Native American child, Totonkayanawananaki!

NATIVE AMERICAN BOY

Hey screw you bitch, that mean Dances With Drag Queens!

ANGELINA

Enough, time to go in now.

Angelina sets him down with the other children, as Maddox returns and starts herding them.

MADDOX

(to Native American Boy)

Fuckin' kike!

As Angelina leads them toward the building, Native American Boy throws his hands up in disbelief.

A MEXICAN calls out to Angelina.

MEXICAN 1

How come you got no kids from Mexico? See, you are a racist!

Angelina chuckles, shakes her head.

ANGELINA

Everybody hates Mexicans, that's not racism...

Angelina continues on, suddenly a voice shouts at her.

JENNIFER

That's far enough!

Angelina sees Jennifer standing between her and the building, with Team Aniston at her shoulders.

JENNIFER

You're not getting in that building with these stolen kids.

AT THE NEWS CAMERA

The Reporterette looks on with amazement.

REPORTERETTE

This is a MOST unexpected development, it seems that Jennifer Aniston has arrived to confront Angelina...

Angelina gives Jennifer a plastic smile.

ANGELINA

Now Jennifer, all these kids were legally adopted.

JENNIFER

I don't care what the paperwork says, you stole them for the same reasons you stole my husband. Because you think you deserve them more, and you don't care who you hurt.

Angie's eyes widen with surprise.

JENNIFER

You're the villain Angie, and this is where the line gets drawn.

Tommy pumps his fist in front of him.

TOMMY

(under his breath)

Yes!

Angelina glances around, as people begin to boo her. Then she breaks a wide, sadistic grin.

ANGELINA

Maddox, take care of the line for Mommy.

Maddox walks forward with intent, Dean steps up to meet him.

DEAN

I think I can handle this...

TOMMY

Dean, NO!

Dean reaches down to grab Maddox, but Maddox grabs his arm and flings him through the air into the side of the news van with a crash. Dean howls with pain and collapses on the ground.

SAMMIE

Dear God, how do we beat this thing?

TOMMY

Never found that out, I guess we'll just have to see what works.

Tommy rushes Maddox, Maddox punches him in the kneecap, making a horrible crack. Tommy drops to the ground gripping his knee.

Robby moves in, Sammie and Elena at his shoulders. Maddox rushes between his legs, punches him in the groin on the way through. Then Maddox grabs his arm, spins him face-first into Elena's cleavage, they both scream and fall.

Sammie kicks at him, Maddox grabs her foot and twists, flings her through the air.

Amid the confusion, Angelina tries to herd the kids into the building, but Jennifer moves to intercept.

JENNIFER

I don't think so!

Angelina strikes a Karate posture.

ANGELINA

Have you forgotten who the action star is?

Jennifer puts her arms up in a Kung-Fu pose.

JENNIFER

You think I haven't prepared for this day?

Jennifer and Angelina charge each other screaming, then grab each other's hair and swing wildly as their fancy poses degenerate into a complete girl-fight.

NEAR THE HELICOPTER

As Tommy stands, Brad appears and snaps open a switchblade knife. Tommy pulls his own switchblade and flicks it open. Brad's blade is glistening steel, but Tommy's is a comb.

Brad lunges and thrusts his knife, Tommy deflects it with his laptop and swipes his weapon across Brad's hair.

BRAD

BUTCHER!!!

NEARBY, Maddox continues bodyslamming Robby, Elena, and Sammie, one after another.

By the news van, Dean picks himself up off the ground.

DEAN

Robby, use that fancy-ass phone!

ROBBY

Oh, right!

Robby pulls his phone, punches buttons, then aims it and PLASMA BOLTS burst out and strike near Maddox.

MADDOX

Plasma rifle in 40 watt range. Those are illegal!

DEAN

Elena, Sammie, stand ready... Robby, now!

Robby pushes a button, the phone projects a hologram of a Transformer. As Maddox backs away, Dean dives onto the ground behind him and trips him. As Maddox falls, Sammie and Elena pounce and pin his arms down, as Dean holds his legs.

NEAR THE BUILDING DOOR, Jennifer and Angelina grip each other by the hair, spinning around and flailing away.

ANGELINA

Let's face it Jennifer, when you're better than everyone else you just deserve more.

JENNIFER

The only reason you don't take your pants off one leg at a time like everyone else is because you're in a bigger rush!

Jennifer clobbers her over the head.

NEAR THE HELICOPTER, Tommy finishes swiping Brad's hair into a straight-up, frizzed out style. Then he holds his laptop up, and the webcam shows Brad his own face on the screen. Brad looks with horror, then his phone rings.

LYLE LOVETT

(on phone)

Hey Brad, Lyle Lovett here. Hey, I know you're filling in the same kind of role that I used to, but that's still my look, and gosh darn it I want it back.

Brad stares at the phone with his jaw hanging, then looks over to see paparazzi snapping away. He screams and collapses on the ground.

NEARBY, as Elena, Sammie and Dean hold Maddox down, Dean shouts to Robby.

DEAN

(to Robby)

I hope you've got a magic bullet in that thing!

ROBBY

Indeed I do.

Robby pushes some buttons.

ROBBY

Hacking into his operating system...

Maddox stares at Robby with panic.

ROBBY

Connecting him with Windows Update...

MADDOX

Nooooo!

ROBBY

Replacing XP with Vista...

Maddox shakes his head wildly, then he FLINGS everyone off of him and stands. He moves to attack Robby, then -

ROBBY

INSTALLATION COMPLETE!

Maddox pops a circuit, smoke rolls out of his ears, his body shakes and then freezes as he crashes completely.

ROBBY

That never fails!

A WOMAN in the crowd looks on with shock.

WOMAN IN CROWD

They killed that cute starving boy!

Dean notices the ongoing battle between Jennifer and Angelina.

DEAN

Come on!

The team takes off running.

NEAR THE BUILDING DOOR, Jennifer and Angelina face off.

JENNIFER

Looks like your support is dwindling.

ANGELINA

You're forgetting how easily they can be replaced.

She heaves a breath.

ANGELINA

ASSEMBLE, TEAM JOLIE!

From the crowd, ten thuggish-looking men and women emerge, gather behind Angelina, each of them revealing Team Jolie shirts.

Jennifer glances around nervously.

JENNIFER

Assemble, Team Aniston?

Nothing happens at first. Then, a man wearing a suit and black rim glasses steps forward. He takes off his glasses, then pulls open his coat to reveal a Team Aniston shirt.

Others begin to step forward, showing their green and white colors, until TWO HUNDRED PEOPLE have gathered behind Jennifer. Among them are Oprah, Courtney, Vince, Paul, and John. Vince gives Brad the finger.

TOMMY

(to Angelina)

Seems you forgot that Team Aniston outnumbers Team Jolie by twenty to one.

ANGELINA

(to Tommy)

Just like you planned on, right?

TOMMY

It's a whole lot better than that, Angie. I may have worked with you, but I've never been with you.

Brief IMAGES flash as Tommy gives details.

TOMMY

This whole time I was also mapping out the weaknesses in your ship, scripting all your plans so you'd walk into my traps, arranging all the calls to Brad about his hair, and measuring Jen's ass to make sure she'd fit through that duct right before I tricked you into installing it.

Tommy points in her face.

TOMMY

Don't fuck with writers bitch, we will fuck you hard!

Rage wells up within Angelina, she screams and charges Jennifer with fists pulled back, but Jennifer punches her square in the mouth, knocks her down.

Angelina's voice is muffled as her lips begin to swell.

ANGELINA

You futhin bith...

Angelina's lips swell larger and larger, and cut off her air. She struggles, pulls at her lips as she gasps, then finally collapses on her back.

As the whole crowd watches, Angelina twitches and stops moving, smothered by her enormous lips, her face turned blue.

The crowd erupts in cheering, the band strikes up a tune of "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead".

Jennifer looks back and forth between Angelina's corpse and her own fist, her expression one of complete panic.

Kevin appears and steps over to Jennifer.

KEVIN

Jennifer, this all worked out great and everything, but I don't think the truth will really be much help at the moment...

Jennifer grabs his jacket.

JENNIFER

Kevin, deny this.

KEVIN

I'm on it!

Kevin turns and announces to the crowd.

KEVIN

Ladies and gentlemen! I specifically and categorically deny that any of this happened! And I'd be very grateful if you would too!

Brad steps over to Jennifer.

BRAD

Hey, could we talk?

The team glares at Brad, but Jennifer steps away with him.

BRAD

You know baby, I'm kind of glad it worked out this way, 'cause I was thinking about what you said.

Jennifer looks puzzled.

JENNIFER

Oh, um, what did I say?

BRAD

Well, you know, that you still loved me.

Jennifer gasps, her eyes get huge.

JENNIFER

Oh Brad, you misunderstood!

Jennifer takes his hands.

JENNIFER

I do still love you. But as a friend!

Nearby, as Tommy smiles, the rest of the team gasps.

ELENA

Oh my GOD, Tommy that's ruthless!

Then Elena turns to Tommy.

ELENA

So tell me, what sort of ending did you write for us?

TOMMY

Under the circumstances, I thought I should leave that in your hands.

Elena thinks for a moment.

ELENA

You have any more dark secrets?

Tommy shakes his head.

ELENA

Any more good surprises?

TOMMY

Plenty.

ELENA

Then in that case, I think I want to know what they are.

Elena pulls Tommy close and kisses him, the rest of the team cheers them.

Jennifer comes back to rejoin them.

JENNIFER

I have to tell you guys, I kind of like being back in the fight.

She shakes their hands and hugs them, one by one.

JENNIFER

Thank you, all of you, for helping me do it.

Jennifer comes to Tommy.

JENNIFER

All except for you, you've still got paybacks coming.

TOMMY

What paybacks?

JENNIFER

Have you ever had your spirit crushed in a real pitch meeting?

Tommy cracks up, and Jennifer laughs too. The group looks around at one another for a moment.

ROBBY

Well, I guess the mission of Team Aniston is done.

The team glances around at one another with a bit of sadness.

JENNIFER

You know what? There's always good work that needs to be done, and sometimes it needs done by people who aren't in it for the glory. So let's not talk about disbanding just yet.

Smiles spread across their faces.

DEAN

Go, Team Aniston!

They do a six-way HIGH FIVE.

They all begin to walk out of the complex.

JENNIFER

(to Tommy)

So, what'd you write for me?

TOMMY

Now seriously, I did not go through all this to get a pitch -

WHAM! Elena kicks Tommy hard in the rear.

TOMMY

Ow! Okay, it's a romantic comedy...

Jennifer frowns with disappointment.

JENNIFER

Hmm. After all this I was kind of hoping for a blood-and-guts action movie.

Tommy looks surprised.

TOMMY

I could work some of that in...

IN THE COMPLEX, as Brad watches them leave, he spots some pages lying on the ground. He walks over and picks them up, reads the title page.

BRAD

(reading)

"The Shooting Down Of Brad, by Tommy Young."

Brad flips through to the end.

BRAD

(reading)

"I do still love you, but as a friend???"

His expression fills with rage.

BRAD

She planned this! She fuckin' planned this!

Brad throws down the pages, determination comes over him.

BRAD

I've been getting played for a dupe this whole time. Well now it's time for me to stop tagging along, time for me to start taking control!

Brad shouts.

BRAD

ASSEMBLE, TEAM PITT!

Brad waits, nothing happens. He glances around, people quickly turn away.

Finally a cute TEENAGE GIRL walks up to him.

BRAD

Hey baby!

TEENAGE GIRL

Hey dude, there is like, NO Team Pitt!

BRAD

Oh...

A receding view from above the scene, as title cards show.

TITLE CARD 1

The stolen children were all returned to their homes, after the requisite trips to Disneyland.

TITLE CARD 2

Brad hired the Youtube sensation and Angelina look-alike Venetian Princess to replace her. Unfortunately she doesn't treat him any better than Angelina did...

EXT. BASE ANISTON – DAY – WEEKS LATER

The base is completely refurbished, the plane sitting on the runway. In the plane, Clayton sits ready. At the house, the front door opens, the team emerges and forms a line. Each of them smiles, nods ready.

Tommy and Elena exchange a smile, Tommy glances down proudly at a badge on his suit that says "Certified: Better Than Brad."

Elena lifts up her lapel to reveal the exact same badge, and Tommy's eyes grow huge.

Clayton starts the engine, and the team bounds forward to the plane.

TITLE CARD 3

Working with Jennifer's advisement and help, Team Aniston continued to travel the world, standing up for those in need of it, and does so to this day.

CUT TO BLACK

TITLE CARD 4

Kevin Huvane denies every single word of this.

MONTAGE - TABLOID COVERS

SOUNDTRACK: TEAM ANISTON THEME

TABLOID COVER 1: Where is Angie?

TABLOID COVER 2: Revenge for Jen, Angie is dead!

TABLOID COVER 3: Did Jen waste Angie and bury her with Jimmy Hoffa?

TABLOID COVER 4: Angelina was abducted by space aliens!

TABLOID COVER 5: Angie is alive!

TABLOID COVER 6: Did Brad hire imposter to replace Angie?

TABLOID COVER 7: Angelina's identity confirmed by father: "Yeah, looks like her picture I guess..."

TABLOID COVER 7: Angelina adopts Crocodile Boy

TABLOID COVER 8: Maddox hospitalized with reactor leak

TABLOID COVER 9: Jen vows to continue using men and ruthlessly discarding them

FADE OUT

CREDITS – SOUNDTRACK

A cough, some rustling noises.

ANGELINA

Okay, it's recording.

Angelina clears her throat.

ANGELINA

(singing)

I dared to dream of an empire that stretched

All around the globe

So I tricked the world into thinking I rule

When in fact I blow

My only desire was to save all the kids

The world was a small price to pay

But the minions of my foe put an end to my plans

And that is so fuckin' gay

Now I'm buried in the middle of nowhere

And I'm facing the blackness of death

So I'm recording this song on my phone

With my last breath

For the first time ever

I really wish Brad were right here by my side

So at least I wouldn't be

The only one of us who died

My dear boy Maddox, my robot child

He fought to save all my plans

But when we lost he took it like

Only a robot can

They'll probably reprogram him to be

A model six-year-old

I wish I could be there on the day

I set him to explode

But I'm buried in the middle of nowhere

Now for all I know

I'll have Jimmy Hoffa

Feeling my leg up like a ho

I'm shot full of holes

And now I'm pretty much all out of air

So fuck you all, Hell's a better place

And I can't wait to be there
FADE IN TO EPILOGUE MOMENT

EXT. MOUNTAIN ROAD - NIGHT

A car is parked alongside the road, the headlights illuminating the spot where Tommy, Elena and Robby are digging a hole, as Jennifer watches.

JENNIFER

Come on, we need to dig faster!

ELENA

Like you're being a lot of help!

JENNIFER

Hey, you think this is the first rival actress I've stuffed in the ground?

Suddenly they hear THUMPING, Dean and Sammie get out of the car to see what it is.

DEAN

You hear that?

Tommy points at the trunk.

TOMMY

Came from there...

Jennifer pulls her two Government .45 pistols from her waistband. Then Sammie slowly approaches the trunk with the key, unlocks and opens it, where they see Angelina lying inside, her head sticking out of a burlap sack.

ANGELINA

Jennifer I'm sorry! Please let me go!

JENNIFER

Oh, don't be such a fuckin' baby!

Jennifer raises the two pistols, blasts a few rounds from each, not exactly shooting like a pro but getting the job done.

As the team stares with stunned expressions, Jennifer holds up the guns and smiles.

JENNIFER

Look at me, I can do that Tomb Raider shit!

FADE OUT FROM EPILOGUE MOMENT
