END OF

ENDURANCE

END OF ENDURANCE

by Rachana Arya

_Copyright ©,_ 2017 Rachana Arya _All rights reserved._

No part in this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior consent of the author.

Disclaimer :

This is a work of fiction. Any similarity between the characters and situations within its pages and places or persons, living or dead, is unintentional and co-incidental.

END OF

ENDURANCE

Rachana Arya

To Papa, in loving memory
Across the length and breadth of

my hopes, my dreams, my aspirations...

You walked with nail-spiked shoes.

# PREFACE

Z

oe's marriage came with an expiration date -1

ONE day - to understand the meaning of abhorrence and grief.

ONE day - to shatter her fantasy of 'happily ever after!'

She was too young to be exposed to the gravity of these dark emotions. But sometimes, life doesn't give us lemons, it gives us humans.

A day before...

Dancing her heart out at her upscale Punjabi wedding, Zoe thought she would burst from happiness. She looked at her husband – her soulmate, with adoration. Everyone remarked upon how perfect they were together. Two peas in a pod.

'She was,' she smugly told herself, 'the girl who had it all!'

A day later...

The man that Zoe knew yesterday was not there! He was not the same person she went to bed with, the last night. So much, incalculably much, had changed. What was his problem? Did he look at everyone with 'a reptilian stare' or had she unknowingly done something to annoy him?

There are tears in her eyes, for the first time, yet not for the last.

Why? What had she lost? What did she hope to regain?

Why did the voice inside her scream, 'Run! Run away.' *****

The book, "End of Endurance" delves into Zoe's emotional ride through the murky waters of a wretched marriage.

It follows Zoe's journey from a naive newlywed girl with fairy tale dreams, to a life imploded with domestic abuse, including not just physical, verbal and financial abuse, but also sexual abuse - and finally the freedom from the insidious torment.

As you read through the stages of her relationship, you will share the rollercoaster of emotions that push her deep into a state of existential crisis.

Zoe does not ever seem to play the victim, even when she is one.

Her story is brave and full of hope.

"End of Endurance" is a moving exploration of a pervasive situation in which you can't seem to find your way out of the quagmire, even when you are aware that the situation is not a good one. Undeniably, most of the chapters will take you on a bone-chilling journey, complete with emotional conflict and replete with descriptive story-telling, without being preachy.

"End of Endurance" delivers a profound message using a story. If Zoe can endure all she has been through and still stand, then the question has to be, "what's your excuse?"

Rachana Arya

Author

# ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

M

y book is not just mine, it belongs to all the people who saw me through this book; to all those who provided support, talked things over, offered comments and assisted in the design.

My thanks,

...Foremost, to my mother, Sunita Arya for being a pillar of strength. I would have faced many dead-ends and down-slides if it weren't for the little pieces of advice I received from you.

...To my brother, Hitesh Arya, for providing me moral support right from the beginning. Without your motivation, this book would not have been possible.

...To my sister-in-law, Usha Arya for providing valuable insights and suggestions on the cover page. Your perspective couldn't be more perfectly timed.

...To my daughter, Eyshana Arya, for not just believing, but knowing that I could do this! You stood by me in spite of all the time it took me away from you. Your effort in preparing the index of this volume is much appreciated.

To my nephew, Hardik Arya, for your contribution in selecting the title. I hope that one day you will read this book, and understand why I could not accompany you on a vacation.

Endless and inexpressible thanks to my conscientious well-wishers, who are not mentioned here by name. Your rock-solid confidence, trust and words of encouragement have made this book possible.

...To the genius behind the design of my stunning book cover - my friend, Sudhakar Kapoor. You captured the essence of the book with brilliantly-coloured strokes of art!

Above all,

...To my Guardian Angel, my father, Ashok Arya, for everything. My deepest regret is that you are not here to share this special moment with me. You are always deeply missed.

Rachana Arya

# PROLOUGE

I

t was that time of the day, just before sunset, when the promises of the sun disappear in the hideously dark sky.

As I viewed my bridal reflection in the full-length mirror, I saw another figure join in – my husband.

I looked up and met his eyes through the mirror and smiled. He was dressed in a gold sherwani with cream churidar and a velvet dupatta draped around the neck. 'God! He looked like the Prince of my dreams in that attire!'

The feeling of romance was everywhere. In his passion-filled eyes that mirrored my own. In the ambience of the dimly lit room that was suggestive of blissful intoxication. In the seductive fragrance of sweetly-scented lilies that permeated the air.

It was magical!

"Ready to take the longest walk of your life?" Suraj's voice sounded like a cradle-song, lulling me to sweet dreams, ushering new hopes of the future.

My satin nightdress had been unlaced from my bodice.

"The longest walk?" I stared lovingly at the man, in whose hands I had entrusted my life and my love.

"Where to?" I quizzed, grinning at him flirtatiously.

"Into the magical realm of passion, romance, worship and obsession." His eyes rolled over me possessively.

"That magic place with a fairy castle, whose walls are made of chocolates!" I quizzed, gazing up at him with ravished eyes.

I felt his hand reaching for mine.

He gazed at the stacked red and white ivory bangles that adorned my wrists. Fitting his fingers between mine, he studied the intrinsic pattern of the bridal henna tattoos carved on my hands and arms.

"No, that magic place with a defensive fortress around you, whose walls are clasped with barbed wires so that no one reaches you, but me!" Suraj jutted his lower lip in a soft pout. I burrowed into him and groaned softly, meandering a dozen steps with half-closed eyelids, into a faraway dreamland.

His magical and sensuous energy enveloped me. My eyes gently close to savor and enjoy the moment.

"I love you, Mrs Suraj Shinde." A miasma of contentment oozed from his face.

"I love you too," I whispered in a blissful ecstasy of the incandescent passion we'd shared.

"You are my Princess!" At that moment I felt like I was a prized treasure he could never part with. 'I really was God's royal child!' I thought to myself.

"God, you are beautiful," he groaned, drawing me closer.

I plumped up my lips and flashed him my best smile. "You looked mesmerizing today in that heavily embellished golden lehenga that you'd worn," he said, with a posed look.

"From now on, nobody must look at you, but me. Nobody must talk to you, but me," he cooed salaciously. My cheeks bloomed with color as warmth flooded every vein.

"Zoe, my pet, my little lamb. Come to me." He said in a voice which was both pleasant and peremptory.

The pink in my cheeks deepened after his appreciative comments, but my attention was more strongly drawn to his last statement.

"Lamb! I'm not a lamb, Suraj!" I said innocuously in my characteristic bluntness. "You've married a Lioness!" I snapped my head up and opened my mouth wide, in a mischievous snarl. "GRRRR!"

I leaned over and gave him a smacking kiss on the forehead. As I withdrew back into the silky satin sheets, I realized that his eyes had undergone a radical change. They now glittered like hard chips of ice.

A hard force struck me across my cheek.

# Chapter 1

I

lowered my head in quiet acquiescence as beads of dewdrops glistened in my mournful eyes.

Morning would soon lift her dewy veil. The sun would then climb swiftly through the sky, dribbling out yellow venom.

Chaotic thoughts dipped up and down my mind, like a sailor's boat riding rough seas. I wished I could get a few more hours of tranquil blackness. Not to sleep, but to subdue my apprehensions. I needed solitude to clean the fog of confusion that reigned. My mouth tasted bitter from drinking in the feedback of my senses.

A chasm of cold silence lay on my skin. A silence that stuck like a trapped animal. A silence that screamed with grief, too great for simple words.

More Silence!

A yawning darkness plagued my mind as I pondered over the phantasmagorical encounter of the night.

Desperate tears squeezed beneath my lashes and dribbled onto my cheeks. My eyes rolled up as I slumped onto the couch in a breathless heap, trembling like a new-born lamb. From some deep atavistic depths of my soul, I felt a cry rising. A shudder rocked my body. All pretense of coping were lost and I subsumed with a fresh burst of guttural sobs.

I gripped the couch tighter, gasping for breath, my bosom heaving faster and higher. "This can't be happening!" I let out a series of low, shuddering breaths. "No, it can't be true! I had to be dreaming."

A few hours back, all seemed perfect. I searched my memory. Racked my brain for the why. For something I'd done wrong. Of something I'd said which made it all fall apart.

I drew myself up and walked to the bathroom. Splashing cold water over my face, I looked at the distorted lady in the mirror. To my utter dismay, a nightmarish reflection greeted me in all its horror. The lustre of my fine eyes had given place to a melancholic hue. Inwardly groaning, I hardly recognized myself. That gangly thing with a crestfallen wraithlike aura couldn't be me! That wasn't how a newlywed bride was supposed to look!

Dressed in mourning, my pale face showed the traces of tears that I had shed. My glossy brown curls were driveled from the rough treatment I had endured. Few stubborn ringlets cascaded about my neck bearing the tell-tale signs of distress.

I touched the jagged mark on my cheek and frigid needles of pain clawed through my head. The pain hit and everything came flooding back; familiar and overwhelming. A scream ricocheted between my ears and I hollered in agony at the memory of the slap.

"Why! Why! Why! Tell me why!" I cried out at my reflection in earnest disbelief, willing it to give me a prescription to my questions.

Something was wrong that I couldn't put my finger on.

'I know the place where all my answers lie.' I said to myself. I marched towards the source of the answer.

Suraj was standing in front of the dressing table, putting on a T-shirt. His head turned toward the sound of my footsteps ricocheting off the walls. I walked over to the window without vouchsafing a glance in his direction.

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the prettiest of them all?" he crooned, slipping his arm around my waist from behind. A smile, cold as the winter sunbeam, played on his lips. I scrunched my face at his touch and flinched, like a rabbit caught in a trap.

"Hn." I said dismissively.

"My Sexy Wife, the Princess herself!!" he drawled in a contemptuous way.

I blinked at him, a tiny furrow appearing between my eyes. Then, leaning forward, he gave me a keen, oblique look.

"My Zoe! She's the prettiest of them all." He smiled a sickly sneer, pointing at me.

I grimaced and jerked his arm away.

His unfriendly eyes turned arctic. His gaze narrowed on my averted face. I could sense my breathing picking up and the tightness in my chest getting tighter. His face clouded, as he asked in a grave and altered voice, "What's wrong with you, Zoe?"

I stared at the floor for a moment in silence; then looked up, and in a tone husky with agitation, I droned decisively. "We need to talk. You freshen up first."

Suraj frowned in incomprehension. His lips formed a petulant shape of disapproval. Lowering his tone, he continued in earnest, "Speak up, right now!"

I strove to erase the mist from my eyes and looked languidly upward. "I want to tell you," I blurted solemnly, "you . . . you . . . you're evil!" I spat out the words as if they were rotten.

Suraj stiffened, then controlled his expression immediately and stared at me, eyes narrowed. He gave me a long unnerving look.

"Say it one more time and see what happens." His glance was at once pugnacious daring me to defy him.

Taking in a deep shuddering breath, I waived my hand dismissively.

"Hah!! I repeat - you're evil." My voice was resolute.

He stood with predatory quietness. Then he rose to his feet and paced around the room, shaking his head in disbelief. Watching him, I flinched in intuitive apprehension. Beads of sweat dampened my forehead and neck.

For a moment, I gazed at the ruthless profligate. A meteoric shower of thoughts streaked through my mind in a blink of a few milliseconds. I recalled the time when I had looked at him for the first time . . . deep eyes, dark hair, exceptional looks, handsome enough to charm a rattlesnake. He was tall and magnificently built, like a forest-grown pine, almost giant in stature.

He had a happy temperament which was fertilized by a civilized countenance. I remembered how taken I was by his chivalry and the way he treated me with a strange, remote courtesy. I would feel momentarily lost for words hearing his experiences of the Merchant Navy. Everything seemed too good to be real. Those moments . . . were was so different!!

Today, I found myself staring at an angry, unpredictable, frightening stranger. It was hard to conjecture we both belonged to one and the same species. He'd got the same outer shell alright. But seeing him exhibit so much frantic violence and intransigent temper the last night, made me apprehend that his intellects were scrambled.

'Were the chemical balances in his brain messed up?" I wondered. "Or maybe his brain's wires were chewed by mice.' I mused.

Suraj shot me a rueful look. His stone eyes narrowed into slits, black with resentment as if I'd annoyed a venomous snake.

My thoughts swirled like snowflakes that refused to settle on a windy day.

"I want to know the reason why you slapped me last night." I sniveled, drawing back with a new-of-a-kind fear.

"Reason hn!" he screamed, as a sickening pallor crept over his face.

"You Idiot! How dare you ask me this?" Raw molten anger seemed to be pouring through him. "You think you are too beautiful to be true and you can do whatever suits you!"

I'd never experienced a harsh word in my life! I blinked at him, uncomprehending. 'What kind of statement was that?'

"What do you mean? Wh -- what are you talking about?" I cried out, sucking in a deep breath. "How dare you speak in such a derogatory way?" I half-whispered in a shock.

"Don't dare me!" he continued inexorably. The rapid blinking of his eyelids screamed that his blood was boiling with wrath.

"You think you can throw your attitude around everywhere you go. Not as long as you are under my roof!" His face turned as an infuriated beast. "I dare you to override my authority," he growled.

There was a long silence and then I spoke.

"I do not deserve being called names, Suraj. I've done nothing!" A sudden revulsion swept over me.

"Who the hell are you to decide?" he continued scornfully. "I will call you whatever I want to. . . DO YOU HEAR ME?" "No. . . . You can't call me whatever –"

He interrupted before I could complete my sentence. "Get it through your head, Zoe. You," he said, a callused finger pointing right at my nose, "are no longer Miss Verma, daughter of that man. You are now my woman, and you will do as I say."

I gaped at him, first with astonishment and then with indignation. I was aghast at his audacity. "You've got to be joking!"

"Zoe . . . that's my name . . . and that's how you will address me." I spoke fiercely.

His face tensed. His jaw clenched and unclenched repetitively.

A long, teeth-grinding pause ensued.

"Hah!" he spat, "Stupid name. . ." In the next breath, he said, "given by a stupid family!"

My insides were on fire. Part of me had a great impulse to spew a lava of angry words right back at him.

"Enough!" I erupted to the potentate, in an imperious tone. "How dare you speak about my family in that manner?" I trembled vehemently.

"Never, disrespect my family." My voice turned dark, almost dangerously dark.

I returned his insolent stare.

"Suraj, don't forget, our marriage has been possible due to their support. Else your family had declined our inter-caste marriage."

"Hah!" He spat with a smirk. "As if they did a favour on me."

I stared up at him in absolute shock and contempt. He stared back at me with an inscrutable look in his eyes. I looked back with perfect equanimity.

My cell phone rang a shrill imperative.

"Let it ring," he commanded.

"Listen," he shot back, with teeth clenched. "You belong to His Highness – ME. You will not do anything without my permission," he roared, in a thundering voice and walked out of the room, not even throwing a glance in my direction.
His grandiose sense of entitlement made me feel trapped.

His words stung like bees. After a few minutes, he walked back into the room. Stretching back leisurely on the couch, he put both of his hands over the back of his head and looked at me. I felt like a feeble mouse about to be pounced on by the hungry eyes of a cat.

A tense silence followed, broken only by the sound of a second intransigent call.

"You," he barked with a hot, rotting breath, "will not answer any God damn phone call."

I flicked him a wary glance from under my lashes. "Suraj, no one can bully me, always remember." I spaced the words out gingerly and there was no mistaking the rigid determination in my voice.

"You think not?" he gave a condescending sneer.

"Man-oh-man . . ." This stranger was prevaricating. A storm of indignation filled my soul. I wanted to scream in frustration. 'Such an arrogant ass, thinking I would do his bidding.'

"Suraj," I sighed. "I'm not cut out this way. I --"

"Shut up Zoe," he snarled, overriding my protest. The decibel level of his voice inflated by two notches. "Who gave you the right to speak to me in that stupid tone?"

My face froze in anger and indignation at his words. I raised an eyebrow incredulously. "Wait a minute... and who gave you the right to slap your wife in that stupid manner?" I retaliated, glaring at him in defiance.

"Ridiculous...," I muttered, a scowl darkening my face to a mottled and fiery crimson. If looks could kill, he would have been dead on the spot.

He gave a lusty wolf whistle through his teeth and finished with a wry, cocky grin.

The muscles in his throat visibly tightened. The viciousness of his tone pulled me from my reverie, making me flinch. I saw his face gradually take on an unfamiliar expression.

As he stood up, I instinctively ducked my head and retracted into my skin like a tortoise. I had a hunch he might suddenly grab something and hurl it at me out of rage. He walked towards me in two large steps and grabbed open my hair. Wrapping it around my neck like a grasping claw, he said with a mischievous grin, "Such a pretty collar for my bitch." His voice was a breathy menace.

I clawed at his arms for a moment, then turned rigid. I opened and closed my mouth, like a fish out of water. My mind was empty, my eyes a blank stare, as his hands clamped tighter.

"You are scared of your master, huh? Aren't you Zoe?" I heard his sadistically pleased voice whisper in my left ear.

"Well just to let you know, this is nothing compared to what I'll do to you if you defy my orders!" His voice was undulated in an over-attempted nonchalance.

"I swear... I'm crazy, you don't know me! I'll kill you if you mess around with my orders!"

I found myself transfixed like a deer in the headlights.

His grip tightened slightly on my neck. "Do...you...get it... or not?" he said, enunciating each word in a seething whisper, inches from my face. My heart teetered and skid to a halt. My vision blurred and my throat dried up. I nodded dumbly.

Suraj wrenched away his arm and my head slumped forward.

"Apologize." he said, with an air of finality.

All my protective instincts screamed at me. I knew that if I antagonized this short-fused man, I would be inviting a burning inferno of fury.

"But--" I gave him a thoroughly exasperated look.

His face twisted in a scowl of determination and indignation. "Apologize." he growled in an alpha voice with increasing agitation.

He cast me a black glare, eyes blazing with fury. It was unnerving to see the eyes of a snake glaring from a human head. That's when I saw it, raw evil flashing in his eyes, visible only for a split second. The look in them seemed to flash a warning.

I told myself I wasn't scared of him, but my heart knew the truth. No animal ever watched its prey with a more soul-piercing gaze than he watched me.

I wanted to hammer my fists against his chest, to knee him in the groin. But I opted to retreat, believing it was safer.

I struggled for composure. "I'm sorry!" I murmured, wincing at my cowardice.

"What did you say?" Suraj tilted his head, giving me an appraising look before lowering his head again. His hot breath sent chills down my spine.

"I thought I heard a sorry, but I didn't hear clearly."

My eyes narrowed as the man's sardonic grin. I gritted my teeth exuding an effort to remain silent. Burning rage hissed through my body like deathly poison.

In a tone of intense scorn, I raised my chin and spat, "Bullshit!"

He looked unimpressed. He didn't raise his voice, but the anger was evident. He was seething like a cat, spitting through clinched teeth.

"What did you just say?" he said, in the same ghastly monotone. A cruel sneer formed on his smooth face and he leaned forward, eyes glaring straight into mine.

I gave an angry toss of my head and sucked in a shuddering breath. An engulfing wrath consumed me like a devouring fire.

Akin to a volcano erupting, fury swept off me like ferocious waves.

"Well. . . I said bullshit, Your Highness!"

Suraj's eyes widened for a second before locking onto mine. I felt a sudden, soul-shattering chill. His eyes cut like a knife in my ribs, the sharp point digging deeper. My head dropped towards the ground in unease.

There was a dark, cold silence.

Perhaps he was deciding what should be my punishment; or, perhaps, he wanted to give me time to reflect on what I had said.

A strange sensation descended in my chest. It was the feeling of being trapped and helpless, like a bird attempting to break from the cocoon of abuse. I blinked confusedly at him, my lips shaping into an unvoiced word. In the next second, I clamped my mouth shut to stifle a shocked gasp.

Then out of nowhere, I heard a small voice speak, "Suraj, I'm sorry that I snapped at you." It was a voice I barely recognized as my own. It had a vulnerability that I didn't even know existed.

"Ah, that's it!" A wry devilish smile spread across his face as he leaned down to kiss me. I saw a gleam of triumph in his eyes, as the eating of captured prey by a hungry predator.

"How alien he was - ah how dangerous!"

He cupped my face gently in his hands, holding it in place. "My helpless lamb!" he murmured compassionately. A deprecating smile tilted his lips.

The day passed like a wilting flower and drummed into night.

After a mute dinner, Suraj slumped into bed and within seconds, he was snoring like a frog. I stood motionless at the window with a listless stare, akin a store mannequin. There was solitude all around. My mind wandered in solemn mourning among tumultuous and disquieting thoughts. I let out a ragged breath and then a partial sob, as a tear welled up in my eye. The number grew; gradually at first, no more than a trickle, but it soon swelled to a flood.

Then came an odd mix of numbness and violent denial.

'He couldn't... It couldn't be true, could it?!' I said to myself. 'None of this.' I felt like my brain was trying to tear its way out of my skull.

My mother had raised me to be a strong woman; someone who would never allow anyone to disparage female respect. "Oh God!" I shook my head in self-disgust, ashamed of my spiritless inability to swim through the mire of abusive behavior.

I had grown up in an adoring, achieving family, where my self-worth was always fostered and encouraged. I'd been surrounded by positive influences and creative energy from every member of the family. My personality was molded into a mixture of moral conservatism and fierce independence. I was always taught to speak my mind. Yet, today I had succumbed to bitter resignation! And that too before a man who wanted me to behave like a beaten dog who always returned to the master that ill-treated her.

"Helpless lamb! Helpless lamb!"

A static voice reverberated and re-echoed. I shook my head viciously, trying to push it down into the dim recesses of my mind.

I abhorred the sanctification of inherent frailty and weakness. I could not allow myself that vulnerability.

I could not. I would not.

'No Zoe,' an inner voice instructed; 'You're not going to think about it. Not going to. No. No. no-not going to think about it. Absolutely Not.'

I craved to go back home where the atmosphere sprinkled with petals of serenity and love. Where uninhibited joy and peals of laughter echoed from all quarters of the house. My once effervescent world was suddenly littered with the ruins of shattered dreams. My soul felt like it had been stabbed with a dagger.

Enshrouded in dark, I shot a fleeting glance around the dim room with towering walls. The bland objects motionlessly stared back at me. This reality was not only pallid, it was lifeless and debilitating. I couldn't stay in these walls of pale loneliness and its blocked windows.

I knew that. Especially now.

I transferred my gaze in silent condemnation to the man sleeping in oblivion. He was snoring like a savage now. This man was nothing more than a wolf in a sheep's clothing. And this wolf was on a rampage to strip his prey in the most horrific, demeaning way possible.

My train of thoughts was broken by a sound in the room.

Suraj was shifting in his sleep. He was groaning in annoyance and unrest. He threw his arms and legs out and then hunched them into his body. I sensed that something was different, something dark in this man's aura. I couldn't get a talon around whatever it was. I shuddered and an unutterable dread crept over me from head to foot.

I stood quietly taking a few deep breaths with my eyes closed. My eyes continued to burn as I rested them.

Traumatic events of the day popped up in the darkness of my mind, continuing their torment. Until I heard him call my name.

"Zoe," he mellowed brusquely.

"Hmm." I replied curtly. "Do u need anything?"

"Come to me, baby." His warm cadence had returned.

I huffed. Nodding my head in his direction but without looking at him, I continued, "I'm not sleepy."

"Come here." He insisted, extending his hand.

With a disgruntled sulk, I walked back to the bed. Oh, how glad I was a few hours ago moving languorously in the deep comfort of this bed!

Our bed.

A long pause.

"Zoe," he said with a ring of anguish in his voice; "I'm sorry about what happened today."

I leaned back. The bedframe felt hard and unforgiving against my back. I cast a malevolent glance at the man, my eyes belying the storm going on inside.

"I too am sorry," I murmured, "for myself." 

# Chapter 2

T

he next morning, I returned home after a rejuvenating jog in the park below the apartment. The air was clear and bright and my turbulent mind too was without a shadow. I felt an overwhelming sense of calm spread through my body.

Where did you go?

A jog.

And who gave you permission to do such a crazy thing?

P-Permission?

Permission.

I don't need anyone's permission to jog.

Yes you do.

Are you kidding me! I've been jogging since years.

Not under my roof and name.

What!

And what is this body-clinging rag that you're wearing?

What!

Flames licked at my cheeks, and I fought the craving to smack him on his face. I threw him a jaundiced look and went to freshen up. Dressed in a yellow tank top and a white maxi skirt, I took a heavy gulp of tea, relishing the feel of the scorching liquid racing down my throat.

I yearned for a cup of my mother's extra strong tea. In my memory, I could almost smell the aroma of the ginger tea. I missed everybody's loud laughter in the wee hours of the morning.

A counterfeit cough startled me, bringing me back to reality.

"Zoe!!"

"Hunh?" I gaped in confusion. "Wh-wh-what?"

Suraj walked to my side. "Your phone! Where on earth are you so lost?"

My phone rang again.

"Papa!!"

"Hi, Baby. How are you, my love?" His voice was like the sound of a thousand angels singing. The warmth and softness in his voice coursed through my veins like an exhilaration.

"Oh, Papa! I am fine!" I assured him.

Shaking my head, I held back the small sound of disappointment that almost escaped my lips.

"Where have you both been? I've been calling since yesterday!"

"Oh!" I bit down hard on my lower lip.

"I was missing you, my baby. Couldn't sleep all that well.

How are things?"

"We're f..f..fine a..a..and y..y..you?"

"Are you happy? Truly happy?"

I was pensive for a moment, caught in the midst of confused, conflicting sentiments. It was an emotionally distressing dilemma. I stared into a fathomless darkness as my mind replayed the mental abuse over again. For a moment, I couldn't utter another trite statement. I knew I was in the depths of an intently stony stare.

"Zoe?"

"Y . . . Yes. Of course, Papa!" I answered but my voice lacked conviction. I swallowed hard to absorb the storm of emotions that threatened to drown me.

"I know you are in safe hands. Suraj loves you a lot." I heard a smile in his voice. It was so sweet and comforting to bask in his love and devotion for me.

For a moment I could hear the sound of phone changing hands and then I heard my mother's voice.

"Hi sweetie," I heard her say in a happy voice. "How are you? Have you settled? How's the weather in Mumbai? How was --"

"Mom," I interrupted her barrage of questions with a smile. "I am doing great, Mom!"

There was something magical about my mom! She loved everything that her daughter did. No princess could have been treated with more deference, attention, and alacrity.

"Where's the handsome groom?" she asked.

"Suraj....." I gulped.

Mom had played an instrumental role in our union. She treated Suraj like a son from day one and was very fond of him.

"He is –"

A hand grabbed the phone out of my hand.

"Hello?" He answered politely.

"Are you there? I can't hear you." he said and disconnected the phone.

Liar. I cursed under my breath.

I allowed my mind to drift aimlessly in monotonous wandering. A high-pitched tone fell in my ears.

"What did he say?" He looked at me appraisingly.

I looked at him uneasily. Then I turned my gaze away.

"Nothing." I stood up indicating that the conversation was over. His eyes narrowed as he looked at me.

"What's the matter with you?" He hallowed back.

"Nothing."

For a moment there was silence between us.

Just when I started to walk out of the room, Suraj did something unexpected. Before I knew, he was right before me leaving only two hands' width between our faces. He put his right hand on my shoulder and with his left hand turned my face so that I looked directly at him. Then he spoke, slowly and clearly. "You have to—listen to me, okay? Zoe, I'm sorry," he said quietly.

My shoulders slumped and I lowered my head. "You should be." Sarcasm dripped off my tongue.

"I know you are upset," he whispered, "please forgive me. And do you know why I am saying this?" He did not give me time to reply.

"Because I didn't mean to hurt you or anything." he paused, "and coz I love you so much."

He grovelled at my feet for forgiveness. How strange his words sounded. They illuminated a fuzziness in my mind and yet, I felt alright. As if I had glimpsed a light on the horizon.

My eyes looked tired when I finally looked at him. "All right," I managed to reply, simply breathless with his words and the strangeness of it all. "All right, I'll try to forgive you this time," I wearily told him.

'Maybe it isn't going to be as bad as I thought,' I murmured. It was an isolated incident and he said he was sorry.

I was optimistic now, despite what happened. I loved him, and he loved me so much. We would raise a wonderful family and live happily ever after. I felt a tiny shard of light obliterate the dark emptiness inside me. My heart was beating again!

A sign of life.

Then the situation grew less strained.

Three days later, my bruises had slightly faded. There was a palpable sense of new beginnings and recovery.

When I awoke, the sun had already crested the horizon that morning. I went for a quick jog. A few minutes later I walked toward the bed, holding a tray of steaming hot tea in one hand and a plate of cookies in the other. Golden rays of the morning sun caressed my skin. I paused for several seconds at the window to savour the sensation. My eyes drifted close, then jerked open as I heard his voice.

"Good morning, mademoiselle," he said with a smile and held open his arms. I hesitated only slightly before I walked into his embrace. He drew me in close to his chest in a protective hold.

I moved up and whispered in his ear, in a voice as gentle as the rush of wind through the trees. "I love you, Suraj."

"I love you too, honey," he whispered back in a voice as soft and soothing as the gentlest forest-murmur. "And I will love you more and more each day."

Soon warm soothing hands slid over my hot skin. His touch, gentle and strong, sent a pleasant shiver through me. My skin tingled and I drew in several deep, appreciative breaths. The pleasure was overwhelming and strummed my senses. I felt a million butterflies dancing across my belly exposing my soul to the ecstasies of love.

"This is my Zoe."

My heart thudded at the sweet smile that curled his lips. 'God, he made me feel so beautiful, so wanted!'

Love that had closed under his violent behavior, unfolded once more and blossomed for him again.

The week flew by in attending dinner invites from relatives and friends.

A few days later, I awoke to my phone ringing incessantly. Squinting at the glowing screen, I stretched and tried to reach for the phone that lay on the night table beside my bed. It stopped. I must have drifted off to sleep again for when it rang next, I woke up with a start. I groaned and picked up the telephone.

Hello?

Zoe, it's me. I didn't wake you up, did I?

Yeah, Bro!

What time is it?

It is 8.30 sleepyhead!

Uh huh, um . . . am sure I can sleep for an hour more. We partied last night and I'm tired.

I could sense him smiling to himself on the other end of the phone.

Bye.

I ended the call and smiled. My mind drifted to my younger brother. Krishang was like a sweet and sour candy. He would drive me crazy with his antics, but much like Papa, he loved me unconditionally. I could never figure out what it was about Krish, but he had nothing better to do than to play funny pranks on people. Finding ways to cause mischief without being found out – was the prime excitement in his formative years. It was as if fun was printed in his DNA and all it took was the dawn to start planning his ingenious pranks. His teachers would always call my parents and complain about how naughty he was.

He would hide my things in places where I could never find them. He would sneak up behind me and shout really loud to shock me.

He once unscrewed the shower head and shoved red colored powder in it and screwed it back. I screamed when I was hit with a colorful spray of red water, which I assumed was blood! I felt I could tear him into pieces. It was war time! I ran after him— hurling my hairbrush—but he was already through the door and in the corridor. Gosh!

When Krish crossed the lines by going missing from home, my parents decided it was time to put him in a boarding school. He would write letters to us on how much he hated the school. Purposefully, he would sprinkle the paper with water drops. "That's my tears upon the letter," he would write. Papa would laugh on reading his letter and say, "My dramatic genius!"

I smiled as I inhaled the deliciously fresh morning air. "Ahhhh! What a great day this is, today. Feel the nice fresh air, Suraj," I grinned, letting out a deep yawn before stretching my arms wide.

"Get up. We have to leave." He smiled and nodded slightly.

My heart was beating in a crazy, out-of-control cadence as I sat in the car for Pune, to seek customary blessings from Ashtavinayak, the family deity.

I looked at Suraj and our eyes brushed for the barest of moments before I shifted my gaze to the window and immediately lost myself in the scenic beauty. I rolled down the windows and let the gentle wind blow through my hair.

Happiness lay at my feet, and the scenic beauty breathed peace. I basked in tranquillity. Suddenly, thin delicate clouds began to hover almost unmoving, in the far distance, darkening the sky just a little.

"I'm cold. Shut the window?" Suraj growled. I shut the window in a frenzied hurry.

A few minutes later, we were on the highway and I started the CD player to play the first track; turning up the volume to full blast. My favorite music pulsated throughout the car as I sang along.

"Turn this damn thing off!!" He yelled with indignation.

Quickly I lowered the volume.

He chewed gum and seemed to be deep in thought. It was almost as if he had forgotten that I was in the car.

'Why the heck is he driving so slowly?' I wondered. He was actually driving at a snail's pace.

'We'll get there faster if we walk,' I muttered into my thoughts. I turned to him with an innocent incredulous expression on my face. "Suraj, what's the speed limit on the highway?"

I saw a frown crease his brow. "Why?"

Taking a deep breath, I finally plucked up my courage. "We are going a bit too slow. We could reach there faster if you change gears?" I uttered.

"Makes sense to me," Suraj responded and began to drive faster.

Then he asked sardonically, "You like high speed drives Zoe?"

"Yesssss!!!!" A big smile stretched across my face that oozed with elation and exuberance.

A slow lopsided grin worked its way across his face and into his eyes. He suddenly looked solemn, his eyes raking my face.

"What is it?" I asked, completely unnerved by the arrested expression of his face.

"What's the highest speed that you have travelled on?" he asked maintaining a perennial poker face.

"Oh, once we drove from Delhi to Karnal and we clung to each other and laughed as the car galloped away at full speed." I beamed at the memory with a wide grin, looking pleased with myself.

Grinning at me, he merely exclaimed, "Wow!"

I grinned back at him. "Yeah, wow!"

A fog of happy memories with college friends came rushing back to me.

A voice cut through my stupor. "You seem to have a lot of good memories, huh!" he winked.

"For sure, loads of them," I smiled. "Those days were so wonderful - we used to have a ball. . . " I trailed off.

"We?" he asked quizzically.

My smile faded. I cocked my head to one side and looked at him in bewilderment. "Yes." I nodded, "we...me and my college friends."

"Aah! At last, we're getting somewhere," he nodded in agreement followed by a silvery little laugh.

"So, you clung to him, huh? How many times—"

"Suraj!!!" I stiffened my shoulders, my eyes blazing, trying to control the sudden temper I found myself in.

A silence stretched until Suraj broke it. "So?" he prompted, "full speed hn!"

You still haven't answered my question. "What's the speed that you have travelled on?"

"Let me guess," His eyes did not leave my face. "100.... 110...130!" he hissed, growing more and more agitated as the moments passed.

A maddening impulse of complete avowal seized me. After a moment's consideration, I answered venomously in a monosyllable; "One-hundred-forty," I snapped back. "Does that answer your question?" I clamped my lips shut. Enough was enough.

As soon as the words were spoken I regretted them. Not only because they were false, but also because I knew from experience the imprudence of rousing his latent insecurities.

My nonchalance hit the mark. Suraj's eyes narrowed. He looked at me with sardonic amusement.

"Wow, Really! I thought so." His head popped incredulously in my direction, a sarcastic smile plastered on his face. I was fast losing my patience with this man's constant bickering and snide comments.

"Hmmm."

Chilling tingles iced down my spine at the shady overtones that ran through the voice.

"I'm a little curious Zoe. These high speed drives... Did it stem from excitement or passion in your relationship? "Enough," I pleaded rolling my eyes heavenward.

"Disgusting!!" I cast him an annoyed glance, my anger rising incrementally.

"Disgusting isn't it?" He met my gaze with a new kind of fierceness.

Silence.

Absolute silence.

Holding my breath, I sat stiff and aloof waiting for another heavily loaded sarcastic contempt. Several times he glanced at me as if about to speak. I kept my eyes trained on the window, pretending to be enthralled by the nothingness outside, and each time he kept his mouth shut.

"Was he a better driver than me? Did you both share a common love for music?" He asked languidly.

"What!!!" I shook my head, feeling an irrational sense of disappointment. This man was impossible. He had already taken the joy out of not just our travel, but out of everything.

I grunted. "You are sick Suraj."

"You talk too much trash." He admonished.

I wiped away the constant tears cascading down my cheeks, shaking my head in disbelief at what I was going through.

"What did he look like?" He questioned with a grim tightness to his mouth.

I ran a hand over my brows drawing a deep breath and I had no more to say. I closed my eyes and blocked the conversation out, as easily as shutting my lids blocked out the view.

Out of nowhere, there was a scary interruption in my thoughts. He was driving imprudently fast.

"What the hell are you doing - driving like a maniac?!!" I screamed.

From the corner of my eye, I could see Suraj's face slowly contort in horror. He seemed in no mood to listen to any criticism. His disposition seemed black all around. He looked frightening. Once more I was his enemy. I wondered what kind of mountain he wanted to make of such a small molehill.

Our car zoomed past other cars on the highway, provoking screaming curses and blaring. Faces glared at us, as he honked like a madman. I had never seen such a road rage in my life.

I cried aloud in a furious despairing wail. My heart beat as if I had taken a horse on a fast gallop across the fields. Our car came to a screeching halt when a dog suddenly ran across the road.

My head plunged forward into the dashboard.

I uttered a high squeak. Then silence.

I opened my eyes and furiously blinked several times to clear my watering eyes. My head throbbed, echoing my heartbeat. I struggled for breath, my face a mask of shock.

I yelled, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" I glared at him, rubbing my aching head.

The demeanor on his face was now blank, the aggression drained. His face had gone glistening white—whether from pain or rage, I couldn't tell. He was staring almost as if he couldn't quite focus on me. He put his arms around me and held me against him, his eyes glistening with tears. I sniffed trying to compose myself.

My wide brown eyes were tear-stained but my face showed defiance. With an expressionless face, he focused on the wound on my forehead. Our eyes met, his stone cold and mine uncertain. Touching my chin he said, "Zoe, when you look at me like that, I want to hide you from the world and have you only for myself." "I can't bear to look at your bruises. They are killing me," he wailed as he clamped his eyes shut.

"I'll be fine." I whispered. This wound seemed just so superfluous in comparison to the fatigue that warped me.

A deep silence reigned supreme.

I leaned back against the headrest and focused my bleary eyes uncomprehendingly on the road. My long brown hair was tangled and hung wildly around my face. With kohl smudged under the eye, I looked pale and extinguished beneath my warm color. Dark circles encased my normally clear eyes and my lips had a petulant droop.

I needed to snap out of it – but for now, all I wanted was to throw myself onto the hotel bed and squeeze my eyes shut.

# Chapter 3

T

he sun continued to stream the shadows of dusky twilight over the landscape.

"Welcome Sir!" A tall, thin man with dark skin and large eyes greeted at the hotel lobby. "Do you have a reservation?"

Whilst Suraj completed the check-in formalities, I was escorted towards our room by the front desk executive.

As I stepped into the hotel room, I drew the curtains wide with one swift motion. I glanced around. A king-size four-poster canopy bed dominated the room. It was draped with delicate white draperies. An ethnic silk quilt lay folded at the end of the bed. My gaze ventured to the rustic wooden flooring and pretty arched windows. Daintily draped white lace curtains stirred lazily in the soft breeze.

Never in my whole life had I seen such opulence. I ran my hands over the satiny fabric of the curtains. I peered out and noted how the twilight tints had left the sky and the lights had just begun to come on.

The moon hovered over the gorgeous drapery of clouds. My eyes turned above to the dark backdrop of the sky. It seemed to withdraw from me, ascending somewhere into a serene spiritual realm.

I lowered my head in the position of a prayer. Releasing an inaudible sigh between gently parted lips, my spirits lifted as a sense of peace flowed through me. My emotions were in an ambivalent state, swinging from sadness to faith, then dipping to doubt.

"Happy?" questioned a deep voice from behind me and I nearly jumped out of my skin in fright.

"Hm?" I drew in a quick breath as he lazily studied every detail of my face and smiled softly.

Uneasiness gnawed me under Suraj's persistent stare.

"Are you okay?" he gently inquired.

After a long, tense minute, I looked at him, eyes wide.

"Zoe," he started and leaned forward breathing heavily on my face. I turned my head as far as I could turn it.

Suraj frowned and stared at me. He seemed to be searching my face for something.

"Look," Suraj began, "I don't know what to say. I can't change what happened. Zoe . . . well. . ." His voice faded as he seemed to consider what to say. "I didn't intend it to happen. I...." his voice trailed off.

"It's alright." I too had no intent of getting into a conversation with this hideous creature.

He leaned in closer. "What's that you said?"

"I lack sleep," I murmured. "Let me sleep. I don't wish to have dinner."

He leaned in closer sneaking his arms around my slender waist as lightly as a feather. "The evening has just begun Zoe!"

"I presume I'm tired after the long travel. I need to sleep." I answered solemnly.

He didn't reply.

I washed my face in the luxurious basin. I touched the small lump that had started to form on my head. Taking a quick shower, I changed into my pyjamas, and stretched myself in the very center of the bed.

He came and sat next to me stroking my hair. He cupped my face in a possessive gesture and looked at me for a minute.

"The woman I always wanted more than anything in the world ---- is mine!" he whispered, as he kissed me.

His voice and words were tender, much different from his previous demeanour. I looked at him quizzically, sliding up on the bed, propping a pillow behind him and he held me in a tight embrace. His arms were masculine and I hated to admit it, inviting. I craved intimacy. The intimacy that would undo what happened, or at least reassure me that I was safe.

I softened against him, exhaustion catching me up and dragging down my eyelids. How luxurious it felt to rest on this quaint bed in his arms. I stretched my strong limbs that ached a little and fell asleep.

The sun peaked over the horizon. I woke up to sunrays sliding through the hotel room window. Yawning and lazily opening my eyes. I glanced over at my husband. Suraj was sound asleep, arm about my waist and snoring loudly.

I looked around at the elegantly furnished room and was assailed by the memory of the previous day. I was starving, but I was also yet having a hard time getting the gears in my brain to turn.

He stirred. Groggily he opened his eyes. I inhaled sharply drawing a steadying breath to calm myself. He reached out for my hand, squeezing it tightly before placing a kiss upon my fingers. My stomach growled again.

"You are hungry. We need to have a quick breakfast," he muttered starchily and headed to freshen up first.

I could hear him whistling in the bathroom. He seemed to be in a good mood.

I flipped through the pages of the menu and dialed the number for placing an order. "Two fresh orange juices please." I looked at the incredible view from the room and soaked in its exuberance.

A few minutes later, I sat bolt upright in bed.

"Zoe!!" I was startled to see Suraj staring at me with indignation, much like lightning on a pitch black night. The unmoving gaze was accompanied by a slow deliberate breathing, like he was fighting something back and losing. "You did that on purpose you.... You're a. . . " Behind his eyes, I saw a cold furnace.

"What's going on? What is this noise?" I crouched down, gulping nervously.

"Watch out!" I screamed as Suraj smashed into a waiter's chest, throwing him hard against the wall. He was screaming at him.

"God! How did this happen?"

"I'll stab you with a fork in your chest if you look at my wife, you bastard, son-of-a-bitch!" he yelled. Never before, did I hear anyone speak in such an abusive way.

"Wait! What . . . what happened!" He clasped my hand tightly.

"You stay out of this, you bitch!"

"I'll kill you with my bare hands, you scoundrel!" The lethal vehemence of his voice caused a chill to run down my spine.

"Calm down Sir! Why are you screaming?" the waiter implored.

"Sir, please, please. . ." He had barely gotten the words out before Suraj slapped him across the cheek. His hand immediately came up to cover the stinging area.

"Please, please, please. I did nothing." The waiter pleaded. "I don't know anything, Sir, please!"

Suraj's hand feathered down the waiter's throat as he spat, "Of course! I will let you go, but not before I slit your throat, you bastard."

He yelled dragging the waiter by the collar and hurled him outside the room. Guests and hotel staff looked at one another questioningly.

"GET OUT!" he yelled and watched them scatter and scurry off in fear.

The level of violence left me completely traumatized.

My heartbeat almost stopped as he walked inside. Cursing me for putting him through such an embarrassing situation, he looked at me. That stubborn tilt of his jaw told me clearly that he was still in for a fight.

Staggering towards me like a drunken man, he shouted, "You slut! You called him inside, didn't you? And what a state are you in? You wanted to lure him with temptation?"

My eyes snapped sideways to him wondering what he was talking about. He had been in the room. Then, what happened? What did I do?

"Temptation?" I quizzed in a shaky voice.

"Did you or did you not call him in the room?" He screamed with fierce indignation in his eyes.

"I. . . I only ordered for a . . . but --"

He took another step towards me, his eyes glowing like embers. "And with whose permission did you place the order?"

I tried to look over his shoulders, but he was too tall, too close.

"Look at me, in my eyes, when I am talking to you, dammit!" he demanded

I frantically shook my head against his hands.

"Look at me, you bloody fool," he snapped, anger throbbing through his skull.

He forced his hand away from my skin and dropped them with palpable distaste "You whore! Why didn't you wait for my instructions?" His voice was thick with anger, his gaze was rigid.

"You called him in the room and you lay down with your legs spread!" He gasped out with a raging breath and hissed, "I couldn't believe . . . what I saw . . . when I came back from outside. That bastard feasting his eyes on my wife! Damn you!" I rolled my eyes at his absurdity.

I had already calculated the answer in my defense. "Why did YOU leave the door ajar when you stepped out? And how was I to know that the door was open?" I asked defiantly. "And, are you telling me that I can't even order food without your instructions!" I asked, panic levels skyrocketing. "This is unbelievable!"

"Oh! So it's my fault. Is that what you are saying? IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING?" he stormed.

Slap.

A sharp pain tore through my temples and grew rapidly in the back of my head.

I put my hands on my head and whispered fiercely, "Just leave me alone!"

"I am not done talking."

"But I am done listening."

I knew that he was possessive, controlling and obsessive. I knew that I wasn't allowed to talk to any man. But this accusation was too emotionally tiring. I couldn't handle it anymore.

I pointed at him with one black-nailed finger, eyes narrowed. "Impossible!" I spluttered. "You are just impossible!"

Hours later, I sauntered back to the room after a shower wearing a bathrobe. An uneasy silence hovered between us. The early morning chirpings from Suraj resonated painfully in my head as I blow-dried my hair.

I almost stumbled and steadied myself against the wall, as his hands snaked around my waist.

"What are you doing?" My body stiffened in instinctive rejection.

"Look," he began, somewhat haltingly, "I'm sorry if I upset you." He bowed low. "I'm sorry--really." A deep and somewhat contagious smile flashed on his lips.

I stared at him for a moment, but when I tried to look down, he wouldn't let me. "You are so..."

"You," I hissed, "Don't touch me!" I fought back to force him to let go of me, but he was holding me firmly close to him.

"MOVE AWAY FROM ME... BRUUUTE! I WILL KILL YOU IF YOU TOUCH ME!"

"Do not overstep your boundaries, Zoe." Suraj snarled.

"You know what -- I hate you... I just hate you..." I cried in abhorrence. "You... you promised me... you promised me... I should not have trusted you... I trusted the wrong person!"

My eyes flickered in emotional exhaustion. The rampaging battles that I fought over and over were long and arduous.

"Wrong person, huh?" A slow, dangerous smile curled Suraj's sensual mouth in response to my furious outburst.

"Let me show you what I am –"

With each syllable he spoke, he stepped closer and closer. The man's eyes narrowed with lazy menace. The wicked glint and the fiendish smile on his lips clearly indicated the sensuous calling to his mind. He lowered his heated gaze at me, like a predatory feline eyeing its next meal.

"Let me." His fingers tightened on my arm, biting into my skin.

I screamed with authority. "No. No. No. Get away! Don't touch me!"

"Shhh," he whispered in my ear, pressing his finger to my mouth. He buried his face in my neck and growled savagely like a mountain lion. I was absolutely disgusted by his insensitivity.

Shoving me onto the bed, he pinned my arms down at each wrist with his hands. I was crucified. It seemed like an attack of a possessed beast.

"Wh... what are... are you doing?" I could feel his breath moving down my neck. I screamed, kicking to wiggle out of his grip. I wasn't the one to take abuse just like that, well not at that moment in time.

"No. Stop!" I shouted, but the crashing waves reclaimed my words.

I was bone dry and screaming in pain for him to stop, but he wasn't ready. I hated what he was doing to me. I was breathless, ravaged against my will and panting like an athlete who had run a marathon at full speed.

"Suraj --" I pleaded, "I --I --I –"

"Shut up – Shut up or I will strangle you to death, you filth," he screamed, breathing fire from his mouth.

All the way through, I kept repeating, "I hate you --- I hate you so much --- No, no stop!"

I was rendered helpless, at the mercy of the hissing and tossing waves. The pain was unfathomable and so severe it felt like my head would split open any second. I had always known the word 'pain' – but not its meaning—till a minute ago.

Excruciating and unbearable pain crashed down on me, until I felt nothing. I felt as if my energy was being sucked straight from my veins. My heart cried out through a mist of grief and regret.

Once the pain subsided, I got to my feet and walked into the washroom, slamming the door shut. I sat on the cold tiled floor, drawing my legs up and curling into a protective ball. Dropping my head into my hands, I cried the entire afternoon. Six hours. Three hundred and sixty minutes. Twenty-one thousand six hundred seconds.

The hum of melancholic thoughts loomed in my mind, submerging me beneath a wave of shame and inflicting a spasm of psychic pain. Then a series of mental images paraded through my consciousness – the face of his abuses, asserting me to be a lesser human being.

I hopped in the cold shower to wash my filthy skin. To wash my mind. Of submission. Of humiliation. When the scalding water hit my skin, it felt as cold as steel. My shrouded skin erupted into goosebumps.

I had never really known hate before, but now I felt the rage boiling through my veins. For an infinitesimal second, I was possessed by a dangerous urge to kill this man. I longed to have revenge on him for having humiliated me. I wished I could strangle this worst, sickest, vilest creature in the world. I had the urge to kick him on his groins. I longed to see the smirk on his face replaced with pleadings as I tortured him.

This man brought out the worst in me.

# Chapter 4

A

ll my dreams were pulverized to dust. In my excruciating agony, I knew with complete certainty that I could not stay with this man.

I often missed my parents, but never so poignantly. 'Papa!' I sobbed relentlessly. I yearned for my father to take me home.

There was a hesitated knock on the bathroom door and my whole body contracted with revulsion.

"Baby, I ... I didn't mean that Zoe. I didn't," his voice cracked. "Oh god, Zoe, I never wanted to . . . mess this up."

"I want to go back to my father," I announced marching to the room, my gaze fixed on my adversary.

"Father, huh?" He asked sardonically, as he deftly grabbed my arm with a firm grip. "I ain't got no intentions of sending you there." He retorted through a clenched jaw.

"I want to go back to my father." I repeated the words like a prayer, as if they could somehow keep me from going completely over the edge into insanity.

"Bullshit!" he spat.

"I want to go back to my father . . . forever." I repeated with a miserable cry.

"Zoe!" he threatened, pointing a finger towards me; "If you say it one more time, I will strangle you." The man's nostrils puffed out and then got small.

I braced myself for the worst as I walked over to him and came close to his face, so close that I could feel his breath on me. Oh! How I hated the sound of his breathing.

"I want to go back to my father... And I will." I repeated calmly, with stern and foreboding eyes.

Pivoting on my heel, I strode stiffly towards the phone, refusing to get intimidated by this feline animal. I knew my tiny act of defiance would earn me greater punishment.

He took a menacing pace forward and to my horror pulled the receiver from my hands, whipping the wire around my neck. I felt a suffocating madness. Breath rolled from my throat in small frosted puffs. An undulating scream erupted from my wide open mouth.

"You irritate or vex me... and guess what? You die."

I scrambled to rise as I felt my life being choked away little by little. My breath was being squeezed from my body by this madman. My own voice resounded in my ears as I gasped and struggled for air.

"I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die."

From some far-distant place, I heard someone pounding on the room door and he released me. I slumped and stormed to the bathroom to barricade myself from the assault. Gasping for breath, I choked on a mouthful of tap water.

'Papa!' I cried, with a flood of indignant tears. 'Papa! Please take me home.' I cried breathlessly.

Fatigue and shame wove deep shadows on my gaunt face as I splashed cold water. My eyes were pits of darkness. There was a heavy handprint on my face, fresh bruise marks on my neck. My trembling fingers reached for the raw lump on my forehead. I did not look in the mirror any longer, for I would see myself diminishing further.

I was so shaky that I could barely walk. My aching chest forbade me to think of the invisible memories of bruises and abrasions. I could barely hold myself together, physically and emotionally. Confused motions of rebellion stormed in me.

It was my fault. I had let him weaken me to a point that I succumbed to his abuse. My self-worth had dipped at its lowest ebb at that point in my life. My confidence had plummeted still further.

I stepped out of the bathroom and looked at him for a few seconds and looked across again. An unfamiliar emotion stirred in my heart for this stranger, who was my husband. I'd never been treated like Suraj treated me, and I didn't know what to make of it.

An intrusive question crossed my mind. "Were all men like that?" It was a question I'd asked myself hundredth times.

I woke up the next morning to find myself cocooned in the warmth of two puffy blankets. I nestled my head into the plump, softness of the pillow. My head felt heavy and muddled. If only my throat was not parchment dry. I licked my cracked lips and thirsted. My eyelids felt so heavy; so crustily heavy as if something had glued them shut.

Putting power between the eyebrows, I coaxed one eye to open partially, but the effort seemed too great. I peered down through the small slits of my half closed eyes. A shaft of brilliant silvery daylight shone through huge frosted glass windows. At first, everything was a blur. As my eyes came into focus, I found myself in a strange room.

'Where was I? This room was new to me. Hadn't we checked out? And then what? Had something bad happened to us?' When I tried to move, a terrible pain shot through my lower abdomen. 'We'd left the hotel in a hurry to get to the temple. And then what?'

I just couldn't remember. Darkness lingered at the edges of my mind. The sound of chair scraping against the floor made me turn. Suraj stood, wearing a look of puzzled concern.

"Zoe?" His voice was soft as he approached me, his concern growing when I didn't look up.

"Hmm." I murmured a response and finally lifted my head. Lines of weariness and fatigue were etched at the sides of my mouth and around my eyes.

"Are you alright? Thank God... thank god... I was so much worried... I am so sorry... I didn't mean to hurt you. I love you so much that..." We looked at each other for a moment, eyes locked. I curled in fear. There was always a palpable sense of trepidation when this man was in around.

I sucked in a hard breath. "Leave."

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to—" He never completed the sentence. His voice was void.

"Just go!" I glared malevolently.

Suraj looked sardonic and remained silent as a stone.

"Come on, Zoe!" he persisted.

"Shut up!!! I hate you... I just hate you." I screamed as I hurled a pillow at him.

I had reached the saturation point in a daily allotment of my frustration level. Chills shook my body. My head hurt. The room suddenly seemed too close, even with its cavernous ceiling and I sat upright. I pulled the sheets up to my chin and lay still, eyes tightly closed.

"Zoe, please look at me," he pleaded tipping my chin up.

"Forgive me." His face was frantic. He laid a hand on my arm in a silent gesture of reassurance.

"Just relax and drink water . . . please forgive me, baby." He gazed at me resignedly, a pleading look in his eyes.

"GET LOST. . ." I screamed reaching my fingers up to my smooth forehead and digging them in, trying to dissipate the pain.

"Okay. Okay . . . Shhhhh -- my baby, speak softly. I am awfully sorry. But I love you more than anyone else."

Then he drew his hand over his eyes and started to cry in remorse, leaving me adrift in a sea of amazement. I furrowed my brow, trying to watch his fidgeting body language. My tears pulled their way back as I saw the pain seared across his face.

I looked down, squinting in puzzlement as I bit my lip.

He stood a moment to collect himself, searching for some sympathy in my eyes. He turned back, his eyes expressing an emotion that I couldn't identify. His blank eyes were so hard to read.

"Zoe . . ." He enunciated my name like a plea wrapped in a caress.

"Let me order something to eat, then we can talk rationally," he mumbled in a low tormented voice.

"I know, you would be hungry --"

"Hm," I said, drawing the word out from my throat.

Minutes later, I stared longingly at the tray of food before gobbling hungrily, not looking at him for a single moment. I slurped the soup while he gazed into my mouth as it puckered around a noodle. By the time my spoon scraped the bottom of the bowl, Suraj made his way towards the door. He stopped, turned back and looked hesitant before speaking.

"I am a good man, Zoe. Give me time to change." He seemed pensive and distraught.

"I may take some time, but at the end, I'll do only what is best for you and me --"

He paused, "I promise this will never happen again. I am sorry, I hurt you."

My mind told me not to trust him. He had broken promises, denied having made them and then expressed remorse after doing these things. 'Why would this time be any different?'

The question lingered in my mind. I got no real answers. Only more confusion.

Walking up to me, he drew his hand over my eyes and whispered, "You need sleep more than anything else. . . Just lay back and get some sleep, Zoe. I am right here by your side." he said, tucking me under the covers. It sickened me to watch his eyes upon me.

"Wait," I interrupted skeptically almost as an afterthought. "I want to go home --You are an animal. Do you hear me?" I threw him a disgruntled look. "I hate you! You don't deserve me." I shrieked shrugging my shoulders solemnly.

"Look at me." he rasped with a hysterical note in his voice. "What do you see in them?"

I stared at him for a long moment, letting his question sink in.

"Nothing." I hedged, in a shrug of supreme indifference.

"You're not making this any easier for me." He drawled sardonically.

"Look, Zoe." He began, then stopped and sighed. "You have to understand –"

The cell phone trilled. Suraj swore and stepped out as he picked up the phone.

I looked away into the distance. Memories of the traumatic events, pictured repeatedly in my mind. Like the footage of a catastrophe, I relived the incident again and again. Fear and anger wedged themselves firmly into my heart.

Back home, the Sun's first ray softly struck its sheen in the azure as it rose. I lay on my back, fingers laced behind my head. The events of the previous day flooded into my mind, as I stared at the high ceiling. They played over and over like a motion picture.

Whatever may have been my dreams, I was wide awake in reality now. Where there had been love was an emptiness. I had slowly, unwillingly, accepted that my husband was an incarnation of pure evil. My thoughts spiraled, spinning me like a top, until they formed a gut-wrenching realization.

For all the existential suffering I was experiencing, rather than wondering about the source of my pain, albeit I was shirking from reality. The source was sitting next to me and I was calling it love!

I had made a choice. I had lost it all. And I had nothing more to lose.

I said for the hundredth time to myself, 'I've got to get out of here—I don't want to go insane...I will not subject myself to such an existence.'

I believed in the power of prayer. I kept begging God for help, for divine intervention - and for closure. I lay that responsibility at HIS feet.

I dialed my mother's number.

"Hello, Mom–"

The smile on his lips died in an instant. He snatched the phone from my hand.

"Who gave you the permission to speak to her?"

"It's a waste of time talking to you," I snapped.

"Answer me!"

My brain was on fire with indignation. "What are you talking about, Suraj? I don't need your consent, neither do you need mine to speak to your parents."

I took a deep breath before continuing, "I'm tired of this dysfunctional marriage!" I said flatly.

"Look Suraj!" I continued in a low, sullen tone, "I really, really can't stay in it now. Please let me go."

He furled his eyebrows skeptically and then nodded. "Of course," he said offhandedly, as he pulled me into a tight and brief hug. "Anything for you!"

He hummed thoughtfully. His expression was distant and haunted.

"Okay," he said, more to himself. "Okay."

A couple minutes later my phone rang again. Suraj looked at me appraisingly, his brow knitted in concentration. I saw that his expression hardened as I reached to answer it.

My eyes flicked to him to see his response. Nothing. Not even a blink. Just watching. Studying. With a basilisk stare. A stare that I was starting to loathe. I was determined not to fail myself again, by allowing him to manipulate me, like a puppet on a string.

Slowly he drew a deep, uneven breath and his expression altered in some subtle, indefinable way as I oohed and aahed over the phone. "Can you believe this? Papa's coming tomorrow to Mumbai to meet us!!"

A look of consternation appeared on the man's features.

"But how can he turn up like this without prior intimation?

Did he seek my permission before coming here?"

I blinked owlishly, "P- permission?"

"Permission." He said flatly. "Ridiculous man!" he snorted in contempt.

I shook my head in disgust. This man was an abusive waste of printer ink.

I knew that I needed to leave this relationship. I was fed with all the gloom and doom. And I knew that I needed to do it right away. 'Tomorrow would be the end.'

The next morning, I sat up and turned my head towards the bedside clock. The alarm would sound any minute. It was time. Time to open my eyes, sit up and face freedom. Time to bid goodbye to this quagmire of pain and disappointment. I did not try to tamp down the eagerness and optimism that ran through me. I was in such an ebullient mood that I thought I would burst.

My Papa was on his way! 'Papa, my savior!' I whispered. The Gods were definitely smiling at me. That's why they had sent him! 'Thank You God!' I bowed my head in gratitude.

The sudden sharp memory of my father's face swept back on me. He was an anchor, an icon of my childhood. Like most little girls, he was unequivocally my first love. I adored everything about him. My thoughts were plagued with visions of the love and pride he had for me. Nothing was more valuable than the faith he invested in me. I had been sheltered and pampered my entire life.

He had given me the best of everything. He always handled me like an exquisitely fragile flower. A single tear in my eye was enough to make him shudder.

I couldn't wait to see him. I could picture at that moment no greater bliss on earth!

A soft caressing breeze encircled me in its embrace. It lulled me into thinking that everything would be alright ahead. There was a pat on my shoulder. I snapped out of my thoughts, my eyes bolted open at the sudden sensation.

I turned half to my right, Suraj lay beside me, staring. For a moment, our eyes locked. I blinked as I noticed that his eyes weren't stuck in the usual frown. Instead, his frown was replaced with a look that reflected mischief.

"Ready for the big day?"

My eyes had a different speculative sheen. I smiled, "Ready for the big day!" 

# Chapter 5

I

t was afternoon and my eyes did not leave the clock, waiting for it to chime seven. I heard the click of the door

and saw the dragon enter with a grumpy look on his face.

"Have you seen my cell phone?" I asked Suraj. "I've been searching since morning, but I can't find it anywhere."

"You can use my phone to call - whomever you need to," he offered, looking at me, not moving his head but lifting his eyes only.

I stared at his phone wondering whether or not to text Papa from Suraj's number. Shaking my head, I walked in the kitchen to serve lunch.

After eating a virtually silent meal, he sat in silent contemplation. He tapped his fingers irritably against the side of the dining table. And suddenly smiled; like a man with a joke to share.

"The self-proclaimed King is here, huh, to meet the apple of his eye?" His menacing looks made me lose my composure. My façade crumbled as if mortar has turned into sand.

'Calm Zoe, calm,' I muttered to myself and put on my best doe-eyed expression. I dared not spoil his mood today. Arguing with him was like putting my head in a blender.

Over the days, I had learnt to avoid his triggers. When he would get in his tempers, he would express hatred toward everything. I always tried to keep him from getting angry, but he would still shower me with choicest insults no matter what I did. But today, all that did not matter. It would be an end to it all.

I spent the rest of the late afternoon getting myself ready in preparation for what was to come.

I wrote a small chit saying, "Please, Papa. No Questions. No Reaction. Just get me out of this mess." I planned to put it in his pocket and softly whisper him to read. 'That should be enough,' I said to myself.

He often demeaningly referred me as 'a plotting bitch.' 'So be it, Suraj. Wait till my Papa comes.' I smirked to myself. It was low, fierce and filled with all the malevolence I could summon up.

'And today' - my eyes sparkled for a moment - 'a lifetime lesson awaits you, my dear husband.'

During each assault, Suraj would instruct me to look into those dark, rage-filled eyes. My lips curled with a contemptuous gleam of animosity. Today the tables would be turned on him! Oh, how I would love to look back into those cold dead eyes today.

Hours later, I stood smiling before the mirror. My hair was blow-dried into loose, bouncy waves. My make-up was light and fresh. The nail paint of my fingernails and toes matched my dress.

The setting sun glinted on my lilac gown. Light wind teased the few vagabond locks that trailed about loosely. My dress dazzled, complementing my perfectly curved figure. With a naughty grin, I gave a flying kiss to my scintillating appearance.

Suraj walked in the bedroom. "Zoe, aren't you ready yet?" he growled. "We should have left by now!"

"Just giving myself a last look." I smiled.

And I saw his brows rush together ominously. His eyes began to glitter in a way that frightened me. He was angry. More than angry.

"What the hell is this rag that you've worn, Zoe?" he exclaimed in a despotic wrath.

I stared uncomprehendingly at his stiffened jaw and then at myself for a long moment. I wondered what was wrong in my attire.

He grabbed the magazine lying on the side table and flung it perilously close to me.

"Don't look down!" His voice boomed across the room. "Look at me when I talk, you idiot." His mouth tightened into a steely line.

I stood dumbfounded. I found myself fettered again to grief. My hands were tightly gripped around the edge of the side table. I pressed my eyes shut as he towered over me, his hot breath bearing down against my face.

He looked at me inscrutably. In that second he seemed like a sinister bird who had swooped down upon its defenseless prey.

Suraj's voice was louder this time. "You are NOT some stupid Zoe Verma." His voice boomed again and echoes reverberated against the concrete walls. "Now you are Mrs Suraj Shinde, and it's high time you start dressing like one."

"DO YOU GET IT?"

His words chilled me. Or perhaps it was the maniac way in which he said them. A thin thread of panic wound itself tighter and tighter in my mind. 'What should I have done differently?' I wondered.

"What's wrong in it?" I asked.

He sprang upon me like a tiger and began shaking me violently. "No more questions! Take this thing off and wear a saree, brainless woman!" his eyes crinkled as he spoke. "That Man has not taught you any values." He spat, his eyes narrowing dangerously.

I silently walked toward my wardrobe.

I often found myself walking on eggshells in fear. There was an overhanging feeling of uneasiness around him. I just couldn't predict what little things might set him off.

I draped a saree and stood before him for approval in a state of terror. He looked at me with a steady, transfixing gaze and asked, "Don't you have something better than this?" he asked in an angry, nay, in an ominous tone.

I hissed with exasperation. "The rest are too heavy for the occasion." I replied, in a low and tremulous voice.

Suraj's demeanor suddenly softened. He leaned towards me. His strong hands curled around me and callused fingers stroked my hair.

"My Zoe," he soothed, "You are so innocent and unprepared. Well, baby, this is the biggest occasion in your life today." His eye met mine as he pronounced in a low, sweet voice, "Rejoice!" "Y-Yes . . . but . . ." I stammered defensively.

"So make it special sweetheart, go doll up, deck up." Suraj smiled eerily, a faraway look in his eyes, something that I couldn't quite put my finger on.

"You are no longer HIS Princess, you are now MY Queen." I was still stunned and speechless with his changed countenance. The next moment, he leaned over me to kiss me and softly said, "Enjoy the moment, Baby."

I nodded, biting my lower lip. Blood boiled in my veins from the incessant scrutiny. This man distinctly unnerved me. I gave an angry toss of my head and pulled out yet another saree. 'Suraj, you steal me from myself,' I grumbled.

A few minutes later, he glanced at me with a connoisseur's eye, assessing my looks and briefly exclaimed, "That will do, I think." The emperor nodded his approbation, his mouth stretching into an exaggerated smile.

Relief settled in.

'Why is the butcher smiling today?' I wondered. As if I cared anyway!

Suraj sat on the sofa nursing a cup of tea, lips pressed together—pensively. He picked up a pen and kept tapping its top into the palm of his left hand. On a sudden impulse or perhaps guided by instinct, I walked up to him and softly clung to him. I savored the feel of his skin against mine, for the last few hours of our relationship.

Rubbing his brow against my round arm, he muttered a low, contented growl.

"You're a sweetheart?" he said, with a swift glance at me.

Then, in an altered voice, his voice echoed, "Wife! I am hungry."

At this, I looked at him suspiciously and said in a stern tone, "Let me get you some snacks."

"By no means will I eat some stupid snack," he growled under his breath.

"What do you mean?" I frowned, my eyes studying Suraj searchingly.

"Fry some fresh chicken fingers for me." He inched forward.

"Now?" I threw up my hands in the air. "You gotta be kidding. We'll be late!"

"Now." He countered, nodding slowly with his bushy eyebrows raised.

"Your father can wait."

My nose flared. "No!" I hollered in frustration.

"Go!" He rubbed his chin with his thumb. "It's my command."

"No," I said sharply. Here, a sudden flood of tears choked my utterance. My forehead prickled with beads of sweat. I tried to think of a response.

"Awww, baby! I was... I was joking," he suddenly drawled and laughed. I blinked owlishly at the sudden switch of personality. His roller coaster moods always shocked me. It was well past teatime and almost dark.

"Oh! Um, thank you. Yeah. Thanks." My eyes flickered to meet his for a brief second then glanced away. He sent me a sidelong glance and his lips twitched as the expression in his eyes became something else. A smile passed over his features, and drawing my hands he stroked his chin meditatively.

"On second thoughts, another thing that is worth considering is a change in the menu." An odious smile spread over his face. His hands were no longer gripping, but caressing.

"Oh God, Not again!" I rolled my eyes sucking in a breath.

"Hmm." he hummed, laughing softly but scornfully.

He touched my chin, sliding one finger downward, across the neck. My skin crawled beneath his fingers. His growl has a definite sexual tone. Hot breath was on my face, a low growl in my ears. I could smell a faint remnant of tea.

"Come to me, my love." My hands came up in defense and fisted against his chest but he only drew me closer. I tried to pull away, but his grip was iron around my arms.

I cried out as his mouth dropped to mine, hard, hot, hungry, while his hands flowed down my body. Not a caress now, but a branding. In one long, possessive stroke he staked his claim.

Suddenly the gleam of satisfaction, which had embellished his features, vanished. With a sharp laugh he added, "I'll quickly-" he gestured at the bathroom, "go and wash!" Then he patted me with a smile, the smile of a cat who licked the cream.

"That--ah! That was it!" said Suraj, and his face involuntarily this time, grew dark. He strode out of the room, crushing my saree that now lay in a crumpled heap on the floor.

I said nothing; no words came to my mind, no names. All I had was a gnawing thought that I was dying inside; that something inside me was suffering a slow and horrible death.

When he came out of the bathroom I was waiting.

"You are doing this intentionally, aren't you?" I crossed my hands, glaring at him confrontationally.

"I don't know" he shrugged, as his eyebrows squirmed.

"Maybe, Yes." He nodded, rubbing the fuzz of his faint beard with an air of exaggerated thought.

My nostrils flared, as the fury burning inside me threatened to explode. It felt like a punishment. Perhaps it was a punishment. I met his eyes squarely. For a long moment, we stared at each other. Then his gaze strayed from me to the ground.

"Now I'd like you to change your dress for the occasion. You look pathetic."

I huffed out, thoroughly exasperated. My disheveled face crumpled into a frown as the man gave a dismissive grunt. "Where'd I put that damn car key?"

"Damn!" he paused, trying to remember where in this place they could be. "Damn it, Zoe, I'm going to be late. Where'd you put the keys?" He searched frantically through the drawers.

"WH.....where the hell are you going?!" I asked in breathless amazement.

"Hn," he replied not really saying anything. "Ah! Here it is."

"What am I asking you?" I examined his face, searching his eyes as he remained still, unaffected by my scrutiny.

"I have need of some fresh air," he muttered gruffly and headed for the door.

He snorted as he stepped out. "Damn it's hot even at this hour!" He mumbled grumpily, slamming the door behind him.

"Wait! Suraj!!"

An hour later, I looked at the wall clock and then to my wrist watch, but the time was same on both of them. I couldn't take this waiting! I was frantic. He should have arrived by now.

I frantically looked around for my cell phone to ascertain his whereabouts, but it was nowhere to be found. 'Had he had taken it with him,' I wondered. 'But why would he do that?'

I walked to the door and found it locked from outside. I continued to stand there....confused and afraid. I stared and stared and stared at the door. 'Damn it! Why does this shit happen at the wrong time?' I grumbled to myself.

The whole situation was a complete haze and I had no idea how to handle it. 'Shit, Shit, Shit!'

There was no way out - none. I was a prisoner in my own house, and now my one ray of light –that of meeting my Papa was extinguishing.

I waited and waited. I couldn't think straight. The streets were empty.

One hour, Two Hours, Three Hours . . .

I paced the floor in frustration, the sharp click of heels on a wooden floor echoed hollowly. I navigated around for hours on end, tirelessly with a doleful look on my face.

Uneasiness fogged my mind. 'Wait! Did I miss out on something?' There was a short-lived nervous pause. 'But what is it?' I asked myself, searching for the source of doubt. In pursuit of an answer, I mentally re-winded our conversation.

And with it came the realization of the deceit, with the force of an arrow thudding straight into the heart of a target. That's it! Everything suddenly fell into place. Nothing seemed simpler to understand now.

A faint frown drew my brows together as I recalled the mean look on Suraj's face just before he'd left. His parting words echoed around inside my head: "I love your innocence baby," he'd said.

It was actually a voluptuous sting!!! It all made sense. The plan, the strategy, the scheme . . .

I stood there stone-faced. I was appalled.

'The hardest thing to puzzle out is the human heart.' I mused

I shook my head, utterly blindsided. I had offered him unconditional love and he'd deceived me.

I felt like an utter fool. 'How could I not seen this was coming?' I said to myself. 'Oh, how stupid of me!'

The realization hit me like a punch in the stomach. I intended to hammer his head into a jelly, the moment I encountered him. This thought was very consoling and assuring.

Numbness surrounded me like a cocoon. It was comforting and I hugged it. I made my way to the shower. Beads of steaming hot water pelted down my back like ammunition, numbing the pain.

'How many showers would I have to take like this?' I asked myself.

'I don't know what I did to deserve this.' I bit my lip in an effort to hold back the tears that were welling in my eyes.

The only thought that kept ringing in my head was the plight of my poor father waiting to see me. 'My Papa!'

I changed into my nightgown and settled on the couch, my eyes fixed on vacancy. For a while I sat motionless as if reflecting. I got up, wandered blearily around the room and stood at the open window.

The air was cool. Wind billowed my hair around the face. The sky was suffused with black, with not a single cloud in sight. The solitary moon looked down from its throne with jewels glittering in its hilt at my crestfallen reverie.

The silence in the air seemed to be speaking my mind, echoing a melancholy of the empty house. There was no human being whom I wanted near me at this time, but my father.

Spikes of pain were drilling into my temples. After what seemed like hours in numb grief, came a volcanic burst of emotions from this deception. Tears of agony interposed the silence of the night raining down my face, skidding over my lip and onto my neck. My chin quivered in the face of unyielding truth.

'Yes, I hate him!' I repeated, more bitterly than before. 'He betrayed me! He has done worse to me than I could imagine!'

I knew that this incident was more than just a manipulation — it was the tragic end of my belief in those fairy tales I'd read.

'There's simply no happy ending here, for anyone.' I told myself.

I tossed on my bed, sleepless, weeping tears of agony that interposed in the still silence of the night. That night I pondered and puzzled the riddles of life.

I found no answers. 

# Chapter 6

I

woke up to a lackadaisical day interspersed with grief and anger corroding me from inside out. The sharp bite of unpleasant reality had gone into the depths of my soul. I felt a suffocating madness, a burning, and an unquenchable thirst for revenge.

A sudden torrential predawn downpour greeted me, in sync with my tears. For the full night, the fugitive had remained absconding.

I stood up, dizzy with tiredness and stumbled towards the washroom. One look at the puffy face gazing back earnestly at me in the mirror replayed the entire anguish of the night.

Sipping a hot cup of tea, I stood at the window looking at the freshly bathed leaves, children scampering in the puddles and wet twigs lying on the sidewalk below. I leaned back in my chair and heard some birds treble noisily from their lofty perches. The birds seemed to mock me. 'Stupid birds,' I thought dryly.

The house was a mess. I sighed at the piles of clothes that lay scattered. The bell rang. I tiptoed and peeped from the keyhole. It was the maid. She waited and turned away, thinking no one was home. I would have to do all the cleaning. I groaned. I had never done any household work growing up. I'd been the chore free teenager who never cooked, washed or cleaned. How I hated this menial work!

An owl swept low overhead letting out a high-pitched, almost mournful cry.

'Oh, Papa!' I called out, my head upturned, my voice quivering.

'I will never forgive you Suraj. I will never love you. Never.' I promised myself.

The cloistered solemn of the house matched the void emotions in my heart. A stretching silence reigned in the apartment. Not a squeak or creak, albeit the ticking of the wall clock. That's my life ticking away, each tick is another second of my life gone waste. I retreated into my empty shell like some small hermit crab.

As I sat nursing the reflections, the doleful quietude was broken by the sound of the door being unlocked.

The master had returned.

Throwing caution to the wind, I leaped out of the chair running for the door as a fierce, determined spark of anger flared up within me. I latched the door from within, just in time. I knew that I was again treading on dangerous grounds. His fiery temper was hotter than the desert sun. But I just couldn't miss this chance of sticking in a dart in the devil's ass.

My stratagem had its desired effect. He appeared agitated like a storm-tossed ship, shaking the lock in desperate effort.

"Zoe! Zoe! Open the door!" I drew in a deep breath, ignoring his demand.

Then came a hard, peremptory knock, then another much louder than the first; and another and another. 'This guy's lost his mind,' I muttered under my breath. I switched on the television on full volume and curled myself on the sofa.

And whilst I tried not to think about what my punishment might be for contravening his order, the monster pressed on. "You'd better open the door, you—" he threatened, addressing me by elegant terms that I didn't care about.

Lowering the TV volume, I echoed out loud in a condescending tone. "Apologize!"

After a long period of hesitating silence, a beat of heavy fists came thundering at the door. He dropped his tone an octave lower.

"You'll pay for this Zoe!" he elucidated. The door shuddered but stood firm.

"Open the door!" he yelled with his horrible grating voice, hammering a dozen thumps against the door.

"I will take your life . . ." Suraj's husky voice was stern.

'Oh God' I thought, 'If only... I had the strength to strangle or stab him, I'd happily spend the rest of my days in prison'.

Accentuating my words with incredulity, I wet my lips. "Suraj, I said apologize!" I retorted heatedly, peeping out from the eye hole to see a burning hate gleaming from his eyes. I gave him the backlash of the same. Although he could not see it, I knew my voice communicated defiance - at least the anguished expression of his countenance suggested that idea.

"Let me in, or I'll make you repent!" Suraj shouted as blood hammered in his temples.

Neighbors poured out from their houses, raising a chorus of complaints.

"Mind your own business, you nosy creatures," he spat, shaking his fists at the crowd. "I'm talking to my wife -- you don't need to interfere --" he shouted.

A murmur of disapproval ran through the crowd. "I didn't ask for your opinion." I heard him yell at someone.

"Thank your stars that you are out of my reach, Zoe." Suraj spat.

"Uh-huh!" I answered with an involuntary shudder. His anger was ready to break loose, but better sense prevailed.

Then, in a hollow voice, he snorted. "Em, Zoe. . . " "Baby, I'm sorry." Narrowing my eyes, I retaliated.

"What? What did you just say?" I smiled, a look of deep satisfaction spreading across my face. Kicking the door, he ducked away to avoid a malodorous situation.

I felt a curious inexplicable peace come over my soul. I had given it back to him! After all, I was Papa's little girl.....Forever

***

A day later, I jumped up in my bed by a strange cacophony of sounds coming through the main door— blows, strikes, followed by sound of metal being scraped. Momentarily startled, I tried to identify the source. I could hear muffled voices outside.

My eyes widened and my ears perked at the familiar voice. A wave of fright swept through my veins. I knew I was in deep trouble and began shaking and trembling with fear. My heart hammered at an alarming rate alike million pounding drums. I looked around frantically. I wasn't sure what to do next.

Suddenly I heard a dull thud as if some glass object has cracked. I could hear the door knob being turned this way and that. Someone was locking it and unlocking it again and again.

I lay paralyzed, praying God to help me. I had no illusions about this man's temper. I had experienced and survived his negativistic storms of anger. My pulse jumped. A wild inconsolable despair plastered my face. A current ran through my insides, causing involuntary shivering. My teeth chattered like the clicking of furious castanets. Fear welled up in my stomach, as I sat on the edge of the bed to steady my arms and legs.

I had no other choice but to wait. Wait - For what? For Suraj to come in and finish me off? For the leopard in him to shred his enemy in pieces?

I looked around the room and started to hide his belt, shoes, the iron and any stuff which could hurt me. I quickly wore extra layers of protective clothing to prevent bruising.

I rushed to the bathroom and secreted its lower cabinet with all kinds of things I might need, if I had to lock myself therein for any length of time. I hid a small pillow, two blankets, painkillers, ointments, a juice can, dry fruits, cheese, biscuits and a fresh pair of clothes.

The main door creaked on its hinges. Suddenly, all was so still that I could have heard a needle drop on the floor. This inscrutable silence continued till a sun-harsh voice was audible.

I flung myself back into bed, pulling the blanket up over my head. Squeezing my eyes shut, I curled in a protective ball, and that was where Suraj found me when he came in through the door. Fear spread like fungus through my abdomen. My own harsh breathing was loud in the ears.

He sat down beside me, while he smoothed out wrinkles from the sheets, fluffed the pillows and gently pulled my face up to rest on his knees.

"My love." he said in a low whisper. He had leaned forward and was caressing my brown hair with his fingers.

"Oh! Zoe, my baby!!" His arms around me were cold and I began having palpitations.

"Zoe, I have come back just for you. You missed me, didn't you?" He smiled down at me crookedly.

"Never." I replied through bared teeth, hoping it resembled a mere grimace.

"Aww!" he chuckled devilishly. "So you didn't miss me, huh?"

"No. Never."

"Did you miss your Papa, then?" I froze, blinking wide-eyed.

". . . eh?"

"Zoe, wouldn't you want to know the royal treatment we gave him, hmm?" An evil smirk plastered on his face. I scrunched my brows at him.

"What?" I questioned, "WH . . . What did you tell him?" I hissed. "Tell me -- what did you tell him!" I said, raising my hands in exasperation.

His voice was a low growl, a warning from a wolf deep inside its own den.

"Tell him! You gotta be kidding, Zoe! I didn't tell him a word, because I didn't meet him!" A slow, mocking smile worked its way across his face and into his eyes. "That man is not worth meeting."

I looked at him with a confused gaze. "You didn't meet him...!" My eyes widened into saucers.

He conjured up a rather triumphant vindictiveness in his smile. He leaned in closer, as though about to gift me his most precious secret, and whispered in a tone unblemished by self-doubt.

"Nope. We kept him waiting outside the door for two hours in the heat . . . Haaaaaaa-hahaha!!!!!"

I stared at him in a baffled way, while he laughed and squirmed like a maniac, slapping his thigh, clapping his hands in delight. His voice trailed off as he thought for a moment, ". . . the business tycoon of Delhi, waiting on the street... hahahaha!"

I shook my head in disbelief and put both the hands over my mouth to stop that big cry. My entire face was clouded with apparent disbelief. I wanted to scream, to bellow my father's name, but my vocal cords seemed paralyzed.

A gnawing silence stretched until I broke it.

I furrowed my brow. "And where the hell were you?"

He continued watching me with narrowed eyes and a mischievous grin played lightly on his lips. "Me? I was partying."

"You...you were -- what!" I growled as venom flared in my eyes. "How dare you!"

I ran my hands through my hair, trying to collect my thoughts. I shuddered at his wickedness, I could not utter a syllable. Hatred for this man coursed through my body as a single tear rolled down my cheek.

"Where's my phone?" I asked, convinced that he had it. "Hand it over," I demanded. "I have to call my father."

He began fumbling in his pockets and looked around in panic for the cell phone. "Ah, yes, your phone. Now I recall." He gave me a condescending nod. "I sold it."

A tempest of questions germinated within my conflicting mind. "Sold . . . sold! What. . . Why? I. . . I don't understand." I hiccoughed for breath.

"I just wanted us to be together, without you always calling that man." Suraj said.

"That man?"

"Hmm. Your Papa." he said with a smirk. My blood was boiling; I could perceive it inflaming my face.

"I am sorry Zoe. But henceforth you are not allowed to dial anyone. It's my command." He uttered the words with a magnificent air of authority. "You're crazy!"

My life suddenly seemed deflated, like a balloon that had lost its air. With dry eyes I stared across the room, as motionless as a pillar of salt. Being robbed of my phone was heart-wrenching, because most of what was in there carried so much emotional weight. My phone held a thousand memories – pictures, videos, voice memos that could never be replaced. I could hold and feel the images of my parents, who were now beyond my touch.

The devil had sold a piece of my soul. There was an acute blankness, an empty ache in the place where my heart used to be.

"I don't want to stay here . . . I don't . . . It won't work." I said, with an air of finality. My voice was raw and my face hardened into its requisite glare of determination.

"You have no choice now." Suraj held me, crushing against me.

I could sense his heart beating, thumping against my skin, reverberating against my soul. I felt like my head would explode at his touch. Just then the blocked storm of emotions that threatened to tear from the depths of my soul surged.

I lunged forward, sinking my teeth in the fleshy base of his arm. His face contorted in pain. He tried to jerk away his hand from my toothy grip, but I just would not let go!

Gasping for air as though he was emerging from an icy sea, he winced in pain. And then, he scooped up the handful of my long hair and pulled my head back with his other hand.

His eyes glared at me like those of a serpent in search of its prey. They narrowed to enraged slits and seemed to pierce into my soul with an accusing look. He seemed ready to shred me in pieces.

He hit me then — not hard enough to knock me over, but hard enough to sting. I wobbled back and forth for a moment, then began to cry.

"I will not stay here with you, remember this!"

His face flared into full hot summer. He glared at me for what seemed like seven lifetimes. I stared back at the arrogant moron as he stormed into the bathroom to nurse the wound.

"You are INSANE!!" I shouted at his back.

There was terribly loud sound of glass shattering in the bathroom followed by a long silence.

My perfect life had taken a wild detour, and I found myself very tired - Tired of being afraid. Tired of the lonely battle. Tired of myself. Tired of life. Tired of everything. 

# Chapter 7

A

week later...

Nascent sunlight streamed through the leafy veil of branches that brushed against my window. I stood rooted there sipping my morning tea. Eyes wide, face sketched in grief, dreams not just forgotten but obliterated.

'What was my fault?' I wondered. 'Defying my autocratic husband's orders? Not being able to cope with his explosive anger? Not accepting the soul-crushing words that he spilt unchecked? Or was it not complying with his totalitarian impulses?'

'If only,' I sighed, wiping sweat from my brow, 'if only . . . if only...!'

My sanity was on the verge of extinction. 'I've got to do something or I'll — God, please help me.'

Agitated with the chaos circling in my head like vultures, I exhaled. 'I will somehow find my way out of your trap, Suraj. Out of the barbed wires you've made for me.' A sense of urgency took over.

'C'mon think hard. The solution has to be there some way.'

"Ahh!" I cried in shock, seeing Suraj stand before me. "Oh shit!" I heaved. "You scared the hell out of me!" He gave me a penetrating, questioning, all-encompassing stare.

He smiled. I didn't.

He stood sipping tea from his steaming mug in silence. The silence in the room stretched for several long heartbeats until I forced a smile and tendered him a question. "When will you resume your job?"

He chose to completely ignore my query. His face turned crimson red, a sure sign that he was ticked off.

Squirming with uneasiness beneath the surface of his hardened expression, he snapped, "Just what the hell is it with you early morning?"

I couldn't see that I'd done anything wrong!

"You talk too much Zoe..!!" His voice was unpleasantly shrill and grating. His eyes were loquacious.

"If you don't understand," he said, as if speaking to a child, "then I'll tell you. I will resume my job whenever I want to."

Exasperated, again I prodded. "Look," I said, as reasonably as I could manage, "I really believe that you should give it a thought. It's been weeks since we've been married and you have extended your leave thrice."

There was a distressed look in his eyes as he heaved a big sigh. He lifted his teacup to his lips, only to find it empty. Damn!

With fire in his eyes, he leaned close and grinned sourly. "Job or no job, no one can make me do a damn thing, which I don't want to do." He blinked one last patronizing time.

With that he walked out slamming the door behind him, returning a few minutes later. To my surprise, he reached out and drew me into a one-armed embrace. "I will go to office tomorrow and do the necessary joining formalities. Happy?" I offered him a smile and nodded.

The next morning, Suraj was still fast asleep. Looking at him breathing evenly in his slumber, I wondered how could this man always sleep so deeply in the midst of any turmoil. With a firm shake of shoulders, I woke him up.

"Come on. You gotta get up." I said, slapping his cheek lightly.

"Ugh!" he groaned and then blinked his eyes open.

He looked distraught. "What's the matter with you?" he snapped in exasperation.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, "You have to go to the office today." My voice was sullen.

"Office?" He quizzed sleepily. "Lemme sleep."

"Yeah, office," I said. I held up my hands in a gesture of helplessness and pleadingly spoke, "Please get up. You'll be late."

"I'm not going to any office." "Suraj, for God's sake!!" I insisted.

He opened his eyes, sighing and shaking his head. He blinked with a quizzical look in his eyes, trying to figure out what the hell I was talking about before he finally understood.

An hour later, he looked at the newspaper pensively sipping his cup of tea. A vein of bitterness and melancholy seemed to glimmer in his mood.

"What is it?" he snapped. "Your eyes are penetrating into every pore of my body."

"Nothing."

A few hours later, I heard the doorbell ring. I thought nothing of it. It must be the maid. I pulled open the door and to my surprise, Suraj walked in.

What are you doing here?

This is my house and I can be wherever I wish.

How come you're not at the office?

Because I'm here.

But why are you here and not there. Did you sign the contract?

I quit those jerks.

You quit your company?

Yes, I quit. Damn it. Are you hearing impaired?

But how did you go and come back so soon. I mean—

Shut up! I don't want to hear another damn question come out of your stupid mouth.

But —

He shook his head as if disgusted with me. I'd learned that when he was irritated, or starting to lose his temper, he'd clear his throat. That's what he was doing now.

This was most definitely not my plan!

A tightness gripped my chest, a lifetime of agony threatening to rise up and swallow my whole. I'd been hoping that he would sign an offshore contract of six months. I would then freely move back home and give another thought to this relationship.

I stood there speechless. For a moment we just stared at each other, he with his eyes - dark and calculating, and mine - open as wide as they could go.

His attention became instantly focused, much like that of a cat spying movement near a mouse hole. His brow lifted ironically at that. It was not long before I heard the sarcasm in his voice.

"You don't seem happy to have me around, hmm?" he scowled. "There is something else, isn't it?" I forced my distressed mind to calm down. I didn't want to set him off. My silent prompt dragged on for almost a minute.

"So, what now?" I finally asked.

"There's nothing now, except that I'm hungry; what's for lunch?" It was the last thing on my mind.

Giving him a surreptitious glance, I said, "Nothing." But from the look in Suraj's eyes, it wasn't the last thing on his mind.

"Are you telling me,"—his voice began to rise— "that you've not prepared lunch!" he frowned, his face a mask of seriousness.

I shook my head blinking owlishly. Another day and another fight. 'Get ready, Zoe.' I sighed.

"I didn't expect you home." He met my gaze directly for the next question.

"Then what have you been doing, huh?" he asked, arching an eyebrow quizzically.

"Sleeping," I returned imperturbably with a nonchalant shrug.

He stared intently into my eyes as if hypnotizing me.

"Answer me!" He simply kept watching me with his signature basilisk stare.

"I told you—" I made a dismissive gesture with my hand.

"Told me!! Hmm?" he murmured, scrunching his nose in disagreement. He paused. A frown of perplexity creased his forehead.

"Suraj, I am feeling unwell. I really need to sleep."

I walked towards the bedroom, lay one hand under my head on the pillow and pulled the blanket up to my chin. I wanted to close my eyes and ponder on my next step.

"What are you thinking?" His voice came out in a whisper. I was startled to find I was not alone. Drawing his hand through my hair, he let the loose curls slip between his fingers.

An evil smile gleamed on his red face as he whispered seductively in my ear, "I'm starving."

I needed to get away now. The presence of this man's closeness was alarmingly claustrophobic. I recalled the chilling silent black darkness that surrounded me every moment when he was around.

I started to get up from the bed when strong hands gripped my foot through the blanket. Gasping, I turned, shudders running through my body.

"You don't need to go to the kitchen, Zoe." A bitter smile curved his sensual mouth, touching it with cruelty.

"I will eat you for lunch." he guffawed.

The corners of his mouth turned up in a humourless smile as he hunched like an advancing wolf. He pulled me into his arms, cradling my head.

I jerked and disentangled myself from his embrace. "Get your hands off me!" I said in a low, unnervingly calm voice.

"What's wrong?" A tell-tale muscle in his jaw twitched.

I interposed before he could proceed any further. "You . . . get lost! You hear me?!" I repeated, shaking myself.

He narrowed his eyes against my forceful glare, studying my raging expression. Tilting his head to the right, he regarded me intently.

"Tell me," I felt his fingers twist in the sheets, his grip tightening until it hurt; "Is yelling a pattern in your family constellation?"

"I reserve the right to refuse an answer." I tried to look unafraid, returning his baleful glare.

"Now, just to clarify, as long as you are here under my name and roof, I reserve the right to touch you. You will live under my name," he continued, "and die under my name because you are mine. Got it?"

"Very impressive." I intoned dispassionately, watching him for any further reaction.

"And......" he growled, "I will not permit *my property* to address me in such a fashion!"

I looked, first shocked, then furious. The words flew out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"Your property!!!! Is that so?" My head jerked up to look into his eyes. "Suraj! I am not your property. You've no authority over me. I will never be yours! You're disgusting. I cannot believe that I am hearing this!"

"Under my orders," he snapped, his soulless eyes drilling into mine with hatred, "you are not allowed to defy me, Zoe."

"Keep your vile comments to yourself!" I said, wrinkling my nose distastefully. His angry words reverberated in my head. I was not going to be anybody's prisoner, least of all this man's.

He took a couple of deep breaths to subdue his anger, holding my gaze with icy hostility.

An unsettling coldness emanated from his hollow and vaguely crazed eyes. His mouth was half-open. I felt like a bird under the fascinating glare of the snake's eye. I squirmed as I watched the blank expression on his little ratty face.

I knuckled my eyes furiously and an undignified, "What?" escaped my mouth. "Why the hell are you staring at me?"

The air grew stagnant, tepid and fraught with tension, and something else. Something corrosive, causing my chest to tighten and I couldn't breathe for several long, perilous moments.

Suraj moved forward and cupped my face in his hands, reorienting my face to meet his gaze.

"Don't look at me as if you've just come face to face with some poisonous snake about to bite."

I jerked my gaze away from his in the same moment. I weirdly felt like he was undressing me with his eyes — slowly, carefully, in a violating way.

"My beautiful wife, Come!" he commanded running his fingers through my hair.

He stared down at me, his breath hot on my forehead. I felt the hair rise on the nape of my neck. I reacted to his touch as if I'd been jolted by electricity. Thrashed wildly against him, I fought his restraining hold, but he didn't relent.

"Stop!" I shrilled, almost hysterically. The effort to break loose was futile. With escape impossible, I thrust my head forward and spit in Suraj's face.

"You are not a man Suraj, you are an animal." I hissed contemptuously.

I didn't have a chance to observe how the corner of his lip quirked upwards.

"Am I?" said Suraj as he cocked a cheeky wink at the sight of my red face.

"Let me show you the animal side of me, Zoe baby!" Then I saw a look in his eyes that turned me to ice.

"I've got plenty of time to make you pay for what you've just said."

Gripping my chin, he raised my face, forcing me to meet his gaze. My body tensed, every muscle coiled for flight as the monster stood a breath away from me. I was suddenly damp from sweat. Whimpering like a frightened child, I buried my face in my hands.

A victorious smirk marked over his well-defined features when he dived to consume my exposed neck into the moistness of his mouth. His teeth clenched downwards to mark my flesh while his warm hands slowly moved south.

"I hate you, I hate you!" I wept. "I really hate you. I never want to see you . . ."

And the worst fury of the tempest fell upon me.

# Chapter 8

A

shimmering shard of glass sliced sharply into my feet, as I catapulted across the room, smashing into a vase on the side table. I screamed aloud in tones of the bitterest and most profound anguish, as it embedded itself sadistically into my skin.

"Hard" was an inadequate word to describe the pain grinding in my skin. "Excruciating" was probably more accurate.

"Suraj!" called my voice in urgency. "Where are you? Come and help me please!" There was still no answer to my pleadings.

I called out again—still no reply.

"Oh, God!" A sob escaped me.

The single pleasure I could imagine then was to die, or to see Suraj dead! After what seemed like forever, I heard the devil appear. He took two tiptoed steps as if he were a cartoon character sneaking up on someone.

He stared at me as if trying to figure out what to say. "Take me to the doctor, damn it," I said in a caustic tone and a huff.

"Tell me," he said sharply while his sparkling eyes transfixed me, "why did you step on the glass?" I gave him a baleful glare.

"What?!" I said, narrowing my eyes at him.

I bit my lip. Trembling, I pulled a shard of glass from the sole of my foot. My skin erupted with perspiration.

I looked down at my foot. Blood oozed out. Two huge pieces of glass were sticking out. I averted my eyes. A single tear dripped down my cheek, then a second one and the third one until a small river ran along the bridge of my nose and down the sides of my chin.

A floodgate of tears then broke, which blurred so much that I could not see. I sobbed, like a baby on a deserted road at three o'clock in the morning. My chest constricted painfully. My lungs sounded like a drenched engine trying to start up.

"Hmm . . . This is bad." He muttered rubbing his forehead like one tortured by evil thoughts.

"Did you hear what I said?" I yelled.

He smirked at me, "No I'm sorry, say it again."

A few seconds pause and I sighed, refusing to repeat myself, "Never mind."

He looked up at me and smiled, "That's why I said this is bad. There's no one to take you to the doctor."

His words pierced my heart. The ways his lips twitched at my predicament made me want to scratch his face. He jerked his chin to the left.

"Poor Zoe!" Suraj said, shaking his head in mock regret.

"But your attitude, I like it," He gave me a sideway smirk along with a thumbs up. I looked up just in time to see him wink at me, before turning around to leave.

I shook my head in a frustrated, disagreeable motion. I wouldn't allow myself to sit helplessly among the debris of broken glass.

The emptiness caused by his imperturbable demeanour in this emotionally trying moment felt like a cold shell. I waited a moment to collect myself before I hauled myself up with weak trembling arms.

Limping like a disheveled stork with one raised foot tucked behind the other, I made way towards the kitchen door, leaving a huge line of red behind. I stuck the bleeding foot in a plastic bag and tied the handles around my ankles. From the corner of my eye, I saw Suraj sprawled on the sofa, watching TV. Slowly sauntering down the room, I grabbed his wallet wiggling out to the main door.

My legs felt as unreliable as toothpicks. I was limping, the gait that was smooth and measured early this morning was faltering and uneven. Sweat dripped down my back and stuck to my forehead. I was frantic and repeatedly hit the elevator button. The elevator dinged and I hopped in oblivious to the attention channeled my way. I limped a few steps awkwardly, then rested by hugging the sides of the walls; until I hailed a taxi inching my way. A substantial quantity of blood had collected in the plastic bag by the time I reached the hospital.

Later in the hospital, tears ran unchecked down my cheeks. I lay there quietly wincing every time the nurse and doctor pulled tiny pieces of glass. Searing, nerve-twisting pain raced through my thighs to my already dizzy brain. The doctor successfully removed all shards that were lodged in my foot and bandaged the wound. I was told to keep weight off the foot for a few days.

Left on my own, I boarded a taxi to get back home. The sky was starting to change its canvas of colors to a hue of velvety orange. Birds scurried back home to feed the hungry mouths somewhere afar the horizon. I tilted my face to the dusky sky, breathing in the fragrant air. A blessedly cool air brushed against my face, and I forced open my eyes against the exhaustion and pain that enveloped me.

Home! I yearned to go back there. I must go home. Things would be better with home.

I stopped at a telephone booth & dialed my Mom. No response. I dialed Papa's number. No response either. Hell!

I called my brother and he informed me that they both were off to Canada on a vacation. My heart sank. I would have to wait for a few more days.

Three hours later, I limped my way into the apartment and found the door locked. As I reached to unlock the door, my neighbor, Mrs Nadkarni opened her door and peeped out. Her lips were pressed together tightly as she pondered for a moment. I gave the "Everything is fine" smile to my detached observer and closed the door behind me.

The house felt claustrophobic and cluttered with a cobweb of memories. The walls of the room reverberated with tremor, tears and wounded shrieks. The floor had trails of dry blood that had oozed from my wound.

I hissed and gasped, barely breathing, as my mind succumbed to wave after wave of pain. The injured foot throbbed violently. I couldn't stop the exhausting thoughts that were now snowballing out of my control.

Suraj had played truant again. Having changed my clothes, I fell onto my bed in exhaustion.

It was a night of immeasurable pain. Pain from the renewed throbbing in my foot. Pain from being alone. 'I'm all alone,' I wailed, burying my head into the soft, fluffy pillow. 'If I die here, no one will ever know.' My eyes closed.

Someone called out my name. I frowned.

I turned slowly and looked around, squinting into the blurry dark wilderness, dumbfounded.

'No. No. No. This could not be happening.'

Torrential rain was pelting down in crazy chaotic drops; each drop stinging in my face, drenching my hair and skin.

Gusty winds were exploding with pent-up fury.

"Zoe! Zoe please, don't . . . No Zoe!" Suraj stumbled backward, looking at me pleadingly. "Please!"

In that frozen second, I scooped a large handful of thick wet mud and hurled it towards him. The missile splatted right in his eyes. Reflexively, he threw up a hand to shade his eyes. While he tried to wipe his mud-spattered face, I pounced on him in a burst of strength that I wouldn't have known I had, except for the fact that it was all I had.

I launched forth the most powerful punch, unceremoniously dumping Suraj onto the spongy, wet earth. He toppled over and landed on his back into the soft mud sending shockwaves through his body. I perched on top of him. With my hands around his throat, I squeezed and pressed with all my strength... all my body weight. He seemed frozen like an ice cube in a tray. The confrontation was exhilarating.

Suraj stood in a haze; he could not correctly assess what had happened. 'A woman had assaulted him?!' His face was drained with a gaunt expressionless stare as I bent to his eye level.

"I'll kill you like you killed my dreams..... Bit by bit by bit by bit!"

I stood glaring at him. I had a blank stare as if my mind had gone to another place, somewhere dark and damaged. I felt my lip quirk slightly at the side, as I reached for a scarf from my ponytail and shook my mane of wet hair.

I snaked the scarf around his neck and squeezed. "This is how you choke me, you brute!" My hatred for the man thundered hotly in my veins as I squeezed the scarf tighter.

"My turn now."

He staggered, eyes wide with shock as he coughed and choked and struggled for breath. His black eyes were flicking back and forth, unfocused when they opened.

Unwinding the scarf from Suraj's neck, I cuffed both his wrists together in front of his chest. He struggled like a mad hunted animal, twisting, trying to pull his wrists apart, but could not. I mused watching him as he struggled with his bindings, trying to break free.

"Awww!" I cooed.

With one more swing of my leg, I kicked him on his legs. He hadn't flinched at the last two blows, but he let out a weak gasp of agony when the toe of my boot connected.

That one was for all the torture.

He rolled in the dirt, crying and screaming, trying to rise when he had strength, but I was always there to plant a foot on his backside and push him back down.

"Don't... say anything... Listen to me... listen to me..." His lips trembled, and his voice was filled with deep urgency.

"I'm sorry --" he breathed.

"No, you're not," I interrupted.

"Besides, it doesn't matter." My tone was suddenly even more solemn. I said slowly, "You're sorry?" He took in a mouthful of air and seriously nodded his head.

"Not as sorry as you're going to be, you bastard!"

"Wh-wh-what!!" Suraj nearly fell in complete shock after hearing that.

I paused, my muscles tight as I briefly gave him a scrutinizing glare. The burning animosity that seemed to resonate from the deepest depths of my soul caused the frazzled man to become still as a frozen lake.

My glare soon morphed into a smile as I pulled the belt from my jeans, curled it around my hands, and brought it to his face. "Does this look familiar to you, my dear husband?"

I hit him so many times the belt's buckle tore off. I smiled in a rather bashful manner. Each bruise on his body was a memory. A reminder. Each scream from his mouth was music to my ears. I wanted nothing more than to kick out at him, but my right leg simply wouldn't move. Or was it the left one? My voice shook. He was silent a moment.

"Look at me, Zoe. Look at me."

I looked at him, reluctantly in contemplation, blinking away the raindrops.

"I, I love you."

"Really?" I said dryly.

My heart wrenched in my chest. I tried again to move my feet, to kick out, but suddenly my legs remained frozen in place.

"Listen, Zoe," he said with a strange urgency in his tone.

"I will change. Please forgive me!

I furrowed my brow and stared at him, contemplating my next move. I was too tired to fight anymore. I was about to make some prosaic remark but was forestalled. He suddenly shot to his feet and sprang at me like a bull, a fiercely intent expression upon his face.

"Girl, you just made the biggest mistake of your short, useless life."

A booted foot collided with my ribs, already sore from older injuries. The air whooshed out of my lungs.

And the demon seized me. This time his bound hands moved super-fast and encircled my waist whirling me through the air round and round with breath-taking speed until I thought I would pass out.

I awoke with a start. The dream mesmerized me, the violence stunned me and the unimaginable hatred that emanated for the man startled me. An imprint of the dream drifted through my mind like smoke. I looked at the watch. It was 8.30 am!

The doorbell rang. I sat up with a groan and rubbed my lower back, attempting to ease the soreness. I limped towards the door. It was my maid. She looked around the house with big, terrorized eyes.

"Look at this mess! Bhabhi, what happened!!?" "Nothing. I fell down." I answered wryly.

She looked uneasily at me. She seemed astonished and concerned as she inspected my bandaged foot.

"Clean this up first," I pointed to the floor, "so that I can freshen up. And then make me a strong cup of tea." The lady furrowed her brow and observed me shrewdly before responding to my order.

Looking at me straight in the eyes, she tossed her head. "Men!"

The little bit of self-esteem that I had left within me was stripped away bare, by the poison of that one word. Just like the weak promises that stood unhonoured by the man who had sworn to hold my dignity, my self-respect lay like million broken pieces of glass. Shame raced through my soul unannounced. Disgust aroused in me once again. My shoulders slumped and I lowered my head.

I shivered in spite of the tea warming my insides.

The bell rang.

'It must be the monster,' I thought.

My maid walked in after a minute, with a tray in her hand. Food. My stomach lurched and rumbled, and the loud rumbling of my angry stomach halted me. When confronted with the thought, I realized that I hadn't eaten in nearly an entire day!

The smell of idli and sambar made my mouth water.

Mrs Nadkarni had sent freshly cooked meals for me! Surprise touched my eyes, then died. I summoned the maid to leave and collapsed on the bed, burying my face in the pillow. I yearned for my family. Family- the word was becoming more and more foreign to me. I felt a strange desire to reach out to Mrs Nadkarni and hug her.

The pain had subsided, thanks to the medications. Now was the time to move, I decided. I reached under my bed and pulled out the suitcase and started cramming my clothes into it.

Suraj walked in just then, he looked at my clothes with open-mouthed horror.

"Where are you going with that broken leg?" The man asked with a piercing stare.

"Explain! What is going on in this damn place?" He pivoted swiftly towards me.

I glared at him. No words, just a blank expression. I turned away.

He clutched at my arm to make me face him. "Zoe! Tell me. What is all this?"

"You filth, I'm leaving you." I snapped with a firm snarl.

Suraj whipped his head over at me, letting out a long exhale.

"Oh come on! Don't take such small things to heart, Zoe." He said in mock seriousness. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not!" I exclaimed, my jaw set in firm determination.

"No, c'mon you can't do this, you will not leave me." Shock— pure shock flashed across his features. He looked vivid and zapped at the rebuff, his temper rising.

"Oh, no! N-no, no!" He shook his head madly.

He knelt in front of me and started to cry, grasping my hands as if it were his own lifeline. However, I was not seeking any apology.

"This relationship is over and I am never, ever going to get back with you."

He furrowed his brows apologetically with ejaculatory expressions of pain and remorse.

"I'm sorry, baby. I...I'm damn sorry!!! Please forgive me." he said slowly as he reached out and cupped my face.

"What have I done? God!! I can't bear to lose you."

I looked at his eyes searchingly but couldn't know precisely what to make of it. I shook my head. He seemed to hold less power over me after the last assault.

"I'm leaving –Right away."

"I know I have acted inappropriately, but you must understand that this is not me" "Go away Suraj." I trailed.

"Zoe," he wrapped his arm around my waist, "Never leave me." he whispered, looking into my eyes.

An anguished cry erupted from my throat as I furiously attempted to free myself from his restraint—but ignoring my protest he dipped his face onto my neck, kissing me hard on my flesh. His tongue ran along the protruding line of my neck towards my lips, softly at first but then pressing harder and demanding entrance.

"Get Lost!" I snarled in defiance. I stepped back, repulsed.

Dropping his voice to a velvet whisper he said, "You taste so sweet Zoe!" The layered sensuality in his saccharine voice had anger brewing within me.

The control over my rage snapped as I immediately read the shady overtones behind this mock reconciliation. 'The Monster!

He had done too much damage already. And now he was trying to manipulate my emotions for intimacy!'

I flinched and hit him hard on his chest, "Don't touch me!" I screamed at him in a voice that was low and throaty, but so deadly that it stopped him cold. He had expected me to be trembling, but I held myself completely still.

"You're sick Suraj! I hate you!" I lashed out.

"Enough!" he bellowed. His temper had been kindled.

Cold rage burned in my eyes and I pushed him hard, refusing gratification of his needs. This obviously did not go down too well with his self-esteem and sense of self-worth. I knew I had inflicted a devastating blow to his mastery that required "total compliance" from his wife.

My stomach twisted with fear at the thought of the expected outrage, but it was something that I would endure. It wouldn't be the first time and I was ready.

The giant's body stilled. He didn't blink. Rage and fury roared through him, beating him into a red haze. Blindly he squeezed the face cream lying on the side table and slathered it on my face till it was empty. He moved his jaw back and forth, grinding his teeth.

"My God, I'm a bloody fool...You deserve no pity! I will now have no pity! You are defying me! ME! You CANNOT say NO to me!

I couldn't stop shaking. My head shook back and forth, but I didn't jerk away.

"Don't you ever dare touch me!" I curtly said.

Just then the doorbell rang - and kept ringing demandingly. I sucked in a breath angrily and gave him a contemptuous look. Suraj stared at me for another moment before stomping out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

I limped to the cupboard and picked out a towel to wipe the cream off my face. I could hear him warmly greet someone at the door.

"She's in the bedroom. She fell." Suraj's voice trailed from the hall.

"Is she a kid that she fell down?" It was my mother-in law's voice.

# Chapter 9

M

y relationship with my mother-in-law was hardly cordial. Dark black hair, "still untouched by grey," the

elderly lady had cold black eyes and a pale large forehead. There were dark circles under her small eyes and a fierce expression on her face. She was a typical Indian mother-in-law who carried a lot of cultural baggage. She was groomed to be an extreme doormat; totally compliant to her husband's whims and wishes. Her own needs came last. She had no ambitions of her own and acted only on her master's command.

At times, I felt sorry for her, she did need help from her husband's damaging behaviour. As far as her son was concerned, she suffered from the "little emperor" syndrome!!! Her umbilical cord never cut.

Her husband - my father-in-law was a lean and balding man with a short, bristly grey beard. I often thought that the wide expanse of his unlined forehead resembled the smooth concrete used for residential driveways. Despite a slight stoop, he had a massive chip on his sloped shoulder. He wore a haggard and mournful look except when he was watching television.

He had over 30 years' total commissioned service in the Navy. Well-travelled and knowledgeable, he had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. His "know it all attitude" annoyed me to the core.

I could never look him in his eyes because I felt a shiver running through me. He had a similar "cold stare' like his son. It was as if his eyes had no connection with any emotion he expressed. He didn't know love. He didn't know empathy. He only knew devaluation of people around him.

He was extremely biased towards other castes. And he always spoke with great pride about his lineage. He believed that by virtue of their gender, women should not speak for themselves, manage their lives, or control their bodies. I did not like this man.

"I always knew," echoed a voice - the voice of the man himself, a legend in his own mind – Mr Shyamrao Shinde, "these Punjabi girls was useless." There was a supercilious sneer in his voice.

"Only beauty and no cultural values." He stated with a contemptuous smirk.

"Call her father and tell him to take his garbage away." The group then shared a deep hearty roar of laughter over a hushed joke. His words stung like an open handed slap on my face.

Half the harm that was done in my world was due to this man's grandiosity. And the trickle-down effect of those echoes was passed down his genetic line to my out-right narcissist husband. As a result of his nurturing deficiencies, Suraj had completely lost himself from the borrowed behaviour.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and fumed while my breath increased like a gladiator. I could feel an all-consuming rage, taste it in the blood in my mouth.

Just about that moment, my mother-in-law entered the room. She sat straight, stiff up on the bed.

"All these are YOUR clothes?" quizzed my mother-in-law with an obvious sarcasm in her voice.

"Yes," answered my voice, "and there are four suitcases more yet to be opened."

Her keen gaze took in the angry flush that warmed my face. She excused herself and stepped back to the living room.

"Is her father is a cloth merchant?" the question was coated with sarcasm.

"He," exclaimed Suraj in a scornful tone, "has given her bags and bags of clothes in dowry."

My father-in-law remarked with a fiendish malice. "We had heard that these Punjabi's give truck-loads of articles to their son-in-law. And they also give lots of cash and property."

"All I got from my in-laws were ladies clothing!" said Suraj. The family broke into a mirthful mockery.

"My father-in-law is such a big miser," Suraj said coldly, "that he couldn't afford to give his son-in-law a decent watch."

What followed was a verbal barricade of discussion on the difference between Punjabi and Maharashtrian culture between father and son. Their words seemed to pierce directly into my soul causing my breathing to roughen.

Silence ensued as they saw me standing on one leg at the hallway with arms folded. My appearance had none of the exquisite neatness which it usually displayed. Now, instead of the gentle face with faintly rosy cheeks, a pallid countenance stared blankly at them. My eyes were sunk, and dark shadows encircled them.

"How are you?" queried my father in law. "I heard you fell down." His tone was devoid of any form of warmth whatsoever. His voice always had a chilling effect on me. Each time he spoke to me, I felt like a snake was crawling up my leg. I was convinced that Suraj had inherited his mental disorder and lack of empathy from his father. It was a copycat syndrome.

I shuddered and looked away from his hard gaze.

"I am not bad, irrespective of what all of you think about me." I straightened my shoulders and raised my chin in a defiant jerk. My mother-in-law raised her eyebrow as if she was assessing me and calculating things in her mind. Suraj spent a few seconds looking stunned.

I bristled. "Now, let's come to the point." The tone of my voice was strongly expressive of the wrath within me.

Both father and son exchanged surprised glances. "What is wrong?" Suraj snapped, his eyes narrowing.

"We need to set some wrongs right, my dear husband." I answered very categorically without mincing words.

"And –" I continued watching Suraj's forehead crease. "We need to discuss what will it take to set those wrongs right." A momentary hush followed.

I shrugged my shoulder. "First things first—I did not fall down. I stepped on a piece of glass."

When I looked around, a pair of steely eyes glared at me. Not one pair — three, studied me with a predatory sharpness.

My look morphed into a smile. Now, let's come to the second part - dowry.

"You," my eyes turned towards my mother-in-law, "the diamond set that my father gave you, cost us four lakhs."

"And also," I hissed, "the gold coins distributed among all your relatives who attended the marriage cost us three lakhs."

Should I begin counting the value of clothes and other stuff given to you?" I asked my father-in-law.

I felt Suraj's hand touch my back. His fingers tightened on my arm. Slapping his hand away, I screeched, "Oh yes, how I could forget you!" I gritted, "His Highness, the great Mr Suraj Shinde."

"You," I ranted, "this watch," I looked towards Suraj's wrist, "costs a lakh and a half. I don't think you've ever heard of the brand, Raymond Weil Swiss Watches!" The shrill note in my voice seemed to make him jerk. For a second, he didn't answer. I did not stop. "This rope chain..." I smiled in a rather bashful manner, "that you have in your neck, given by my father, costs eighty-five thousand."

He looked at me for one long moment. A burning animosity resonated from the deepest depths of my soul.

My mouth was a tight, petulant line. "My father gave you all these gifts out of sheer love." I thundered. "He incorrectly assumed that his son-in-law is a respectable man belonging to a civilized background. However, what he did not know was that he was marrying me off to a shameless family that endorsed dowry.

The muscles of my throat began to ache and my mouth turned dry as ash. "Now, most importantly, I can't take this anymore." I continued in one single breath.

"Can't take what?" my mother-in-law probed.

My eyes widened with the cruel truth that hid in the shadows of my mind all these days, creating chaos in my life. I blurted the words out before I had time to wonder if it was a stupid thing to say.

"The truth is," I screamed, "it's not enough that your son beats me, locks me in the house, starves me, punishes me, cuts off my contact with the outside world, treats me like his slave... So many times! I literally can't count how many times I've been beaten! Do you see this...and this...and this...?" I pointed to my bruises. I sobbed letting go all the pain.

"Your son," I continued, with flashing eyes, "has denied me of every single affection a woman can get from her husband. I had been hit with every possible thing. The abuses linger in my head".

"Suraj represents pain to me. He doesn't know the meaning of love."

My father-in-law brooded on a chair in the corner and then he turned toward me. His eyes were narrowed, rigid, cold and hard. The fury on his face was something I had never seen before. He glared at his son in a rage.

"How dare she complain about you before me?" His face had the same look of unmistakable authority as his son. "Has the girl any sense?"

My lips quirked up in the corners wryly. "Plenty," I replied in a disquieted voice.

"SHUT UP Zoe!" Suraj bellowed in my face. He looked at me with hatred -- pure piercing hatred. But, my mind was made up and I was in no mood for capitulation.

"I have decided to leave him and go back to my parents." I announced.

"Right Now..."

"SHUT UP!" Suraj yelled through clenched teeth.

"No, I will not shut up!" I yelled back much to the horror of my in-laws.

"I WILL SPEAK MY MIND!"

"Can I talk to my wife in privacy?" interjected Suraj.

"Why don't you talk in front of everyone, you coward? I shook my head, fiercely repudiating his statement. "You beast! What do you want to say now?"

Suddenly I felt an overwhelming urge to end the tyranny of the family once and for all.

"And you," I said pointing to my in-laws, "You have the audacity to make my father stand outside your house." I hissed. "I have never seen such a bunch of spineless cowards all gathered in one place in my life."

Suraj screamed at me, rolling his eyes like an angry ram. "How dare you?"

He grabbed me by the arm, pulling me up to his face. "SHUT UP!"

"We have to go. She has gone mad!" The elderly woman stated haplessly. Suraj ushered his parents outside hurriedly.

"Before you leave," I said, and they paused to look at me, "I would like to apologize for being rude."

I looked up at them with wet eyelashes. They left the house without saying good-bye to anyone. I stumbled, my disposition crumbling a bit before I pulled myself back.

Suraj shut the door and turned towards me with bloodshot eyes. Within minutes, he metamorphosed into a wild beast. Lurching forward, he pulled me to my feet. I could feel his brutal power, the energy that surrounded him.

His eyes filled with inky black rage. "Nobody can talk to my parents like that!" he spat. "I'm going to teach you a lesson of your lifetime."

Strong hands suddenly grasped my wrists and dragged me out of the house. I cursed under my breath as he hurled me in the passenger seat of the car.

"Where the hell are you taking me?" I yelped.

A muscle twitched in his tightly clenched jaw. He smiled devilishly as he drove through an unfamiliar terrain.

Gone was the city hum; it was now replaced by a treeless stretch—miles and miles of prickly shrubs. There were no unique landmarks to signal the unwary. No signs. No billboards. I could see some dotted lights at a great distance.

My eyes nearly popped out of my head as I looked around. The place looked more like a moonscape than a landscape.

Nothing was here, except bare and desolate land and an eerie sensation.

I looked around, dumbstruck.

"What's happening? What place is this?" I asked.

—No reply.

"I...I don't understand --Why won't you answer me --?" I screamed.

"I will not let you trick me," I spat. "Where are you taking me? Answer me." I was going to explode. "Either you answer me by choice or I'll jump out!" I yelled.

"Under my domain, you are not allowed to ask," Suraj growled viciously.

I was pale, bewildered and sick at heart. I lost control of my emotions and screamed, "Stop the car!" He continued to ignore me and was totally focused on the road.

"Whatever your crazy plans are, I won't let them work. Stop the car. NOW!"

I could feel my mind racing away into the "why' territory. My protest was cut off when he hissed, "Shut up! You will see," was all he said.

"WH-what do you mean?" I managed to say. I wondered which road my life was going to take next.

The chill was palpable in the air. An uncharacteristic shudder ran up my spine. I put a hand over my mouth weeping in bitter earnest. I was hyperventilating now.

"Take as many breaths as you can. Your next stop is to the graveyard. I will bury you alive with these hands."

Stunned by his words, I stared at him blankly. "You're kidding!"

"Yeah," he said smiling. A deep conviction stamped his face.

A trash lorry zoomed ahead of us. It smelled of rotting dead rats. The smell of the trash was overpowering and it made me a little nauseous. I could not stop shaking.

"STOP! I feel like I am going to throw up," I gulped. Tears of blinding pain welled in the corners of my eyes.

"I'm going to puke," I slurred. "Stop moving; everything is spinning," I tried to say, but it came out as one long moan.

"You're making this entire thing up, aren't you? He glued his foot to the accelerator pedal.

"How dare you!" I screamed.

"Liar!" he reproved.

For some reason in his house, one didn't get sick – and if one did, one was just trying to buy attention.

"STOP!" I yelled and Suraj stomped the brake pedal towards the sideways. I limped outside and vomited a thin stream on the road.

"Stupid woman!" he fumed under his breath. "You've ruined my car."

"Have I?" I snorted irritably.

He banged his fist on the steering wheel in anger 'Shit, shit, shit!'

"You are nothing but a bloody nuisance!"

'Love was for fools. How foolish of me not to realize what a fool I was!' I said to myself.

# Chapter 10

I

squirmed in my seat as I sat in silence, lost to silent, private thoughts.

"Quiet now!" he directed, as he maneuvered the car on a desolate stretch of land, turning off the engine at the entrance of an open ground.

"It's so peaceful in here."

I looked at the dilapidated, barren land uneasily. My entire frame trembled from the grime of an unpainted gate and its appalling surroundings. The place looked sinister in the gloom. My insides quivered. My tongue raked across my lips three times before I felt there was no spit to soften them.

There was no sound from the outside world, not a bird or engine noise. I shivered under a blanket of the grisly silence that lay over the place. I had that strange feeling, just like someone was watching me.

"Where are we? Please tell me?" I was sobbing now. Each crisis would leave me more and more frightened, more disposed to distrust.

His face became like an infuriated beast's as he snarled, "It's a—"

"A....?" I clutched at Suraj's arm. "It's a cremation ground." Silence.

I felt myself starting to shake in recognition that he had meant what he had said. I opened my mouth to say something but wasn't able to utter a word. I shook my head virtuously.

He took a deep breath, sniffing the aroma of ashes. Then he closed his eyes and breathed out long. I shuddered at the piles of ashes and shot a furtive prayer to the heavens.

"Now you," he said, pointing a finger right at my face, "stay here till I come back." I looked back at him and he nodded his head slightly.

"Suraj! Stop!" I pleaded. "Where are you going?"

My eyes darkened at what I saw reflected in those dark depths of funereal silence.

He paused fractionally.

"I'm just going for a pee. I'll be back," he smirked slamming the door of the car closed. The dull thud it made, reverberated inside my head making me think fearfully of heavy stack of books hitting on my head. I stifled a gasp.

"Suraj, wait!"

"Oh, please, don't do this to me!" I cried.

"NO...!"

I cried out in despair, but far too late. He had already swung away from me and marched down the path without a glance. The coldness of his demeanor seemed to declare unrelenting hostility and rejection of my plea without a word being spoken.

My mind followed after him briefly, as he disappeared from view almost entirely. A tempestuous train of thoughts raced through my soul unannounced, uninvited, in rapid succession. 
'Was that the man I married? He didn't love me; he just wanted to punish me. How far would he go this time? Was this a plan?'

'Wait a minute....What were his options...' A host of alternate possibilities flooded my consciousness – desertion, murder, assault...! My spine grew stiff and I started to shiver by some nameless fear. Faint tremors shook my shoulders spreading its crimson colour to my cheeks.

My heart was thrumming in my chest. The beats kept getting faster and faster, louder and louder, heavier and heavier.

'This cannot be real! What should I do? Oh! If only I could blink my eyes and make the fatigue of this day ooze out of my bones.'

The pulses throbbed in my temples, and I shook with horror, sitting abandoned in the middle of nowhere. Bats hovered under the low sky circling me like a nightmare. Rivulets of perspiration oozed out on my forehead. I again tried to shake the feeling that traumatized souls were staring at me silently.

The sun's red was dissolving into the saffron of deepening darkness like a blood-soaked cloth.

'How long?' I tried to calculate the time.

"Where are you Suraj?" My lips trembled as I looked around wildly as if some means of escape would present itself.

A hand suddenly snaked from behind my shoulder. I shrieked at the top of my lungs – the most desperate, anguished cry I could muster.

A deep voice stated eerily, "Shhh, shhh! It's me!"

"It's me," I mumbled with a trembling voice. I jerked back, trying to suppress a wave of . . . disgust? Relief?

"S-Suraj! Where . . . where have you . . . been?" I stammered taking deep breaths.

"You scared me." I looked at him, exasperated.

"It's okay, baby." He whispered, wrapping his arms around me.

"You are with me now and I need you to be quiet for me, okay? They mustn't know."

"Th-they—" I stuttered by a sheer sentiment of horror.

"W-who they?" I gulped. He paused a moment to look around. He had a serious determined expression on his face that didn't look like fear.

It remained quiet for the next few moments.

"The disembodied spirits . . . they're over here." Suraj's vocals dropped to an eerie whisper, his eyes on a search in the distant.

"Look – see there!" he whispered all of a sudden; my eyes widened trying to follow the direction of his finger, but I saw nothing, only felt an eerie presence that made my skin crawl.

"Look at their real faces," he whispered eerily in my ear.

"No. . . No!" My words were fractured by gulps of air. The cold sweat had returned. Heavy, painful tears lodged in my throat. Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to stop them from falling. Suddenly a sound reverberated in my ears. First, it was a chuckle, then a throaty laugh, then loud booming howls of hilarious laughter. In response, my eye's darted around desperately trying to find the source of the sound. It traced to the man sitting on my side wearing an exhilarating smile of immense satisfaction.

"Scared huh?" he said, giving me the creepiest wink before laughing with an almost diabolical sneer on his face.

"Ha-ha-ha! You should've seen your face! HAHAHAHAHA!"

A wrinkle appeared between my eyes. Very soon, there was a harsh snap of realization.

"Stop it!" I shouted. "Just stop it!"

The maniacal laughter continued. It sent shivers of agony down my spine.

"Oh, m-m-my God! Are y-y-y-you crazy?" I whimpered, finally finding my voice. "Wh-wh-what kind of sick jo-joke was this?" I snapped.

How I wished I could smack the stupid grin right off his face!

I clenched my teeth. "Take me home. Now!"

"Or?" he asked

I saw a flicker of movement that was a smile, an involuntary smile that appears after one has performed an impossible task.

"Or I will . . . I will. . ."

Damn.

"Listen, I'll s-s-scream, if you d-d-don't take me home r-r-right now. I-I-I swear I'll --" I cried, begging. The voice next to me reacted with a Cheshire cat grin.

"Shhh," he whispered, "don't shout, t-h-e-y can hear you here."

That maniacal laugh and a contemptuously delightful grin that stretched wide, too wide, over his demonic face pierced through the atmosphere.

I grimaced. As my heart rate began to slow down from its quickened pace, I tilted my chin, determined to remain quiet for the rest of the journey. I was tired of his scare tactics. I was tired of being scared.

'There's no way, I will let your madness continue any longer...I will end this crap once and for all...' I uttered the final words to myself.

'I have to make a move.' I said to myself for the thousandth time.

The next day, I lay curled in a tight ball trying to escape from the waking nightmare that had become my life. I hadn't slept in 26 hours. I finally got to sleep by 2:30 am but woke up two hours later.

Someone was in my room, someone who was not supposed to be there! My mouth was as dry as a week-old toast and the muscles in my neck and shoulders tightened.

"Gasp..."

A dark silhouette, tall and menacing loomed over my bed. My mind started to swing between deep slumber to wide awake panic. My eyes darted around the room, back and forth, frantically scanning each corner. My gut twisted into barbed wire knots.

I shook Suraj to awaken him; rocking him desperately from side to side.

"Wake up!" I begged. "I need you please!"

He groaned and threw his arm over his face. I shook him again, desperate, frantic.

"You have to wake up Suraj!"

"What?" he groaned again. "What . . . y' want?" "I think—I think I saw someone," I insisted, shaking him again. "I think there's a . . . ghost!"

"Oh, you mean your cousin" he blurted with closed eyes. "Hi, there!" He waved a hand through the air. "Be my guest." He stifled a huge yawn.

I was aghast. "I'm scared. Please wake up." He uttered a protesting grunt, stretched, and brought himself up on his elbow with a snort. "Can you shut up? What's wrong with you?" the man screamed vociferously.

"Have you gone completely insane, woman?"

"Yes! I've gone mad . . . completely and irrevocably mad!" I sobbed.

"Hmmm!" He nodded his head without speaking, before turning over onto his back, letting his mouth fall open.

In the days that followed, savage episodes of spooky nightmares pursued in a scary way, waking me up in the middle of the night crying out the ghosts. People of all shapes and sizes would stand frozen like grotesque statues, ogling at me. They would be there in my dreams. They would creep into my room where I was held. They would twist as if dancing to wild music. Their expressions would shift from disbelief to disdain to disgust. Night after night, day after day, for weeks my mind was unable to escape the anguish that the experience cast over my life. The ordeal of tortured memories would play my mind till I was a wreck. I often woke panting and wheezing by the laughter of a maniacal evil clown, echoing throughout the room. I would lie in bed, my head behaving as though it had been smashed against a rock.

There really was no way to describe what I felt; no creative string of words that adequately could portray what my existence was like - except for maybe the adjective m-i-s-e-r-a-b-l-e.

*****

It was raining hard. The rain and wind were talking sweet nothings. Water cascaded down the windows spinning a grey veil across the road.

"Get out of the car, Zoe." he hissed, giving me his customary scowl. His voice broke through my mind as if yelled directly into my ear. I stared into the cold grey eyes of a man whose orders rarely got questioned. No one dared, not with his eyes boring into them. His voice was hard and authoritative with a bureaucratic sense of nonchalance.

"Are you insane?" I said sharply. Nothing registered in my head. He sounded meaner than before. His face looked ghoulish and sinister, and so did his eyes.

"Get out of the car I say. Now!" he commanded shaking his head in exasperation. A cruel chuckle made me turn red, as his face contorted into a menacing smile.

"W-why? I-I don't want to do this anymore! Please, stop -- stop this!" I pleaded in earnest.

"Wait for me over there." He jerked his chin at the line of trees. "That's an order!" I froze like a puppy dog responding to a command. I hopped out of the car and closed the door.

I had just put both feet on the ground when he started the engine.

"Suraj . . . Suraj where are you going?"

Anxiety was written on my face as I bent down to look in the car window. I could see the wipers of the car gliding back and forth, furiously sweeping the rain from the screen. He sat there for a few seconds, grinning deviously with half his mouth. He revved the engine loudly in warning. Quickly scrambling around to the driver's side, I clamped my arms around him.

"I'm your wife!" I wailed hysterically. "How can you do this?"

"I'll be right back baby—that's a promise." The malice, I heard in his voice was breathtaking. He hated me - really hated me.

Giving me a peck on my cheek, he pulled the car into reverse, backing it up the drive.

"Suraj!" I screamed, my teeth sinking into the fleshy expanse of my bottom lip. He drove away.

Nothing about this was making sense. I screamed his name again, dropping to my knees.

"Please....Don't leave me." I sobbed, sliding to the ground with my hand to anchor myself. The car was now in a far distance.

I didn't know how long I stood there on the cold, wet earth. I was soaked to the core but I didn't feel it. I didn't feel the goosebumps all over my skin or the way that my skin had frozen. I was so exhausted that I could hardly feel my body.

Suddenly my pupils contracted painfully, and my eyelids tried to slam shut, as headlights silhouetted straight into my eyes. My eyes stung and I held up my hands to blur the oncoming headlights cutting through the thick, whirling pellets of incessant rain, not fifteen feet from me. They were coming towards me, fast, too fast slicing more painfully into my eyes to swallow me alive.

I froze to the spot I was standing on. I could not move. My feet felt like they were bolted to the ground. I tried to run, but my feet would not move with an all-encompassing fear that threatened my sanity. I screamed but the headlights kept coming inexorably, relentlessly towards me, so fast, so very fast.

I couldn't run. No matter how fast I tried, the headlights kept an unnaturally steady pace. I felt my heart hammering in the chest.

Then, suddenly, miraculously, the headlights stopped about eight feet from me. I stood trembling on the edge of hysteria.

'Who was going to get out of that car?' I squinted and started screaming with a shriek on seeing what I saw.

I woke up with a jerk, finally cutting off the horrible laughter that had threatened to rape my mind.

I gulped in a breath of unobstructed air, my eyes scanned their surroundings. My hand gripped my chest with whiteknuckled ferocity. It was a dream! Seeing no obvious threat, I allowed myself to resume a less tense demeanor, but not without great wariness.

I started to drift away from life...farther and farther...with each passing day...with each painful nightmarish assault....

I had learnt to adjust to this quagmire of gloom. No, "adjust' wasn't the right word. I hadn't adjusted to anything. But I had learned to cope with a tumultuous existence, to live with the abusive turmoil that Suraj inflicted on me, to exist in a limbo indefinitely.

I was drowning. I couldn't even make a simple meal or manage a conversation. Finally I decided to seek psychiatric help. The doctor advised me not to dwell too much on melancholy events and depressing incidents. He put me on a medley of tranquilizers to eradicate the so-called hallucinations.

It didn't take me to long to experience a full spectrum of side effects. I would get up in the morning to numbness and pins and needles in my left thigh. This then alternated through the day of going from feeling relatively okay back to the numbness, and pins and needles.

To my great irritation, Suraj displayed a bland and exaggeratedly unconcerned demeanor while wearing an eerily tranquil smile. He seemed to take my condition with a supreme nonchalance, and often mocked obnoxiously at me calling me a hypochondriac.

His consistent vanishing acts were driving me ever more insane. I would have no idea about his whereabouts or when he was coming back; if he was coming back or not. He would keep disappearing completely without warning— only to reappear after a few hours or days. It was frightening and lonely.

Soon, I lost my sense of self. I would go through agitated emotions and I couldn't remember thinking about anything or anyone else other than pain. My pain. Each morning, I only vacillated between one thought - whether the end of the day would be good or a bad one. I stopped thinking about my family, about all the things that made me smile.

Trying to navigate through this new dark silent world was debilitating. An empty sigh was all that came out of me, that and tears. . .

# Chapter 11

T

he doorbell rang. I pulled open the locked door and Suraj walked in.

"Hi! Remember me?" he grinned slyly. Mocking eyes locked on mine and for the first time, I felt . . . nothing. Plain numbness.

I fought back the quick answer that rose to my lips and said instead, "Yes, I think I do remember you."

"Where have you been, Suraj?"

He acted like he didn't understand what I was talking about.

"Where have I been?" He lifted his broad shoulders in a shrug of supreme indifference.

"Try to remember baby, I've been by your side!" he asked with an expression of amazement.

"Take your pills. You are hallucinating again, sweetheart." I could feel the anger building up inside of me, turning into hot tears that stung my eyes.

"What are you trying to enunciate?" I screeched.

A smile curled the corners of his heavy lips. Then came the casual - "Oh never mind." His expression was like that of a student who got a holiday on a maths exam.

"You're seeing weird things again." He accused.

"Am I?" My eyebrows rose a notch.

"Let's get to the point. Cut the shit and tell me where you have been." I snapped.

His face contorted. "Zoe, I'm not arguing with you right now. You're sick."

"So are you," I said crossing my arms, slouching in a chair.

"You need help," Suraj whispered, turning his attention to his cell phone. The man's every word teamed with numerous spearheads that invaded every single cell of my brain.

"I don't." I turned my head to stare heatedly at him and jutted my chin out defiantly. But in my eyes was a deep need —a longing for love, an aching for reassurance and a desperate yearning for solace.

I felt so tired. I did not know what the future held for me – whether I'd be able to recover or if my mind would destroy my body mistaking it for an enemy.

I craved but one thing, release. Release from unremitting pain. Release from non-existence. Release from unending fears. Release from nightmares. Release from life.

*********

A frown of confusion creased my forehead. "Dinner?"

"But you just had dinner!" I said erratically. "I can't believe you want to eat again!"

He stared at me for a minute, not answering.

"You seem to have lost your mind again." He stated in a cool gravelly tone. "When did I have dinner?" He narrowed his eyes to a slit.

His eyes quizzed at me in silence. I considered this for a moment.

"You don't really mean that, do you, Suraj?" I stared at him with accusing eyes.

"No," I murmured. "No!" I began to tremble like a tree shaken by the tempest.

"Easy, Zoe. Easy," he tried to assure me as he got up.

"Stay away! Are you insinuating that I am mentally ill?" My nostrils flared.

"Yes dear." Suraj reached over and put his hand around me.

"No! I'm not." I yelled. "Don't try brainwashing me." I admonished.

"Why are you being so stubborn? You know I'm right!" He said in an eerily calm voice.

"Go away, Suraj!" I snapped at him through my tears.

"Wait a minute, what's that?" I drawled sardonically pointing to the remains of food and the dishes that the maid had cleaned only moments before.

"That was yesterday's dinner!" he insisted.

"Zoe... are you okay? We need to eat. We have not had a morsel since morning, do you remember?" Suraj said wrapping his arms around me tightly.

"We need to eat?" I choked out, pushing him away.

"We shouldn't . . . we just had . . . oh God!" I muttered, as a small tear rolled down my pale cheek.

"Please say this is not true . . ." My voice trembled through a strained gulp of unshed tears again.

My eyes shut tightly to eradicate the confusion that has blanketed me. The trembling drew rapidly closer and stronger.

"Easy dear!" he cooed coming closer. I held up a halting hand.

A long silence followed, broken only by my ragged breathing.

"Stop sucking the life from me," I finally replied, struggling over each word.

He glanced down at me looking like an assassin and his mouth moved viciously.

"Get away from me." I slapped his arms away. "Stay right there. I'm warning you." I said, but it was an empty threat. I was scared out of my wits.

Suraj's expression soured almost immediately. He glared at me like his eyes had rusted into place. It made me think that he was considering what to say next.

He grew somber as he continued, "You know whom you are talking to?" Suraj questioned "I . . . I don't know."

"A liar, maybe." My voice shook.

Words raced around my mind, tried to arrange themselves into sentences. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I was paranoid and had delusions.

"Of course," he said offhandedly, "your mind is playing tricks on you."

"Stop saying that again and again!" I screamed.

He opened his mouth to say something and closed it. "Well. Where do we start?" I looked at him helplessly.

"Start . . . with what?"

"Dinner, of course." He smirked.

Something exploded loudly in my head. My eyes burst into thousands of droplets that fell to the floor with a splash. Whistles started to blow in my ears as darkness fell before my eyes.

A few minutes later, I shifted position on my bed, as a tormenting headache stirred me awake. I groaned as my brain churned and churned like short-circuited neurons. My mouth was dry like an unwatered cactus.

"You okay?" He grunted.

"Just thirsty and," I added for good measure, "I have a bad headache."

"Okay," drawled Suraj's gravelly voice.

He was sitting bent forward as he talked with a slight sag of his shoulders. He took my hand and placed it on his chest.

"You're running a slight fever?" he asked, drawing his hand against my forehead.

"No!!" I gave him a defiant glare.

"Tell me, Zoe," he said, still staring at me.

"Tell you what?"

"Suraj?"

"Tell me that you can't endure this pain, Zoe."

"Endure what pain—

He took a deep breath and replied as his voice softened, "Tell me you need me to be next to you all the time to look after you."

"Tell me that I have to forsake my job to take care of you."

"Suraj," I said sternly, and he brought his gaze to mine, "I am perfectly alright, do you get it!"

His congenial smile completely disappeared. His shoulders stiffened with hostility and his face puckered in a scowl as if it had something to do with my reply.

He gritted his teeth and shook his head angrily. "Why?" he said harshly. The next minute, his warmth had evaporated faster than summer rain on the tarmac.

"God damn you to hell," he hissed. His eyes blazed incandescently with anger.

"I'm tired of you," he cleared his throat, "and your delusions." "Damn you! Damn you!" he banged his fists on the bed, punching the soft surface over and over.

"Oh god, no, no, no, no," I whispered holding his hand.

He started to beat his fist over his head. "After all that I did for you—"

I stood scratching my head -- trying to make sense of the conversation.

"Suraj, look at me," I tried to pacify him.

"I am listening!" His voice rose to a crescendo as though I'd crossed some invisible line, offended his sensibilities.

I let out a series of low, shuddering breaths under the impact of his incandescent anger.

"I know that you are concerned about my health, but it's you who is paranoid. I am perfectly fine---" "Silence!" he commanded.

"You spend the day like some damned drooping flower," he declared through tightly clenched teeth, "and then you say you are fine! Outrageous!" I was transfixed as he stared with a wild, savage look in his contemptuous eyes.

I watched him for a brief moment and then with a shrug of my shoulder sighed. "Alright Suraj, then you tell me, what do you want to hear from me?"

A short laugh barked from his thick throat. "I want you to cling to me and tell me that only I can save you from this darkness!"

"And what purpose will that serve?" I asked wearily. "It will make me feel good, damn it." "How!" I grimaced.

"I will feel heroic! It will make me feel . . . good! Great!"

My nose scrunched up. Crossing my arms across the chest, I looked up and spoke, with agony in every word. "You're right. I'm not well. I am sick -- sick of you, sick of your confounded nonsense, sick of your false grandiosity!"

"And," I continued, voice choked with distress. "I am so sick that I want to throw myself out of the window, just to get rid of you." Then I looked up to heaven and groaned. "Oh, if only I weren't such a coward!"

"Ungh," he snarled in vexation, kicking the slippers out of his way as he marched into the next room, whispering crazily to himself. I shook my head from side to side in disgust. It was ridiculous! It just went to show how mentally unstable he really was.

A few minutes later...

Okay . . . I've thought of a solution to the problem.

Problem – what problem?

Since you are undergoing treatment— Treatment? What treatment am I undergoing!

Psychiatric treatment, what else?

Are you kidding me!

Can you wipe that pissed innocent expression off your face. You look pathetic!

Suddenly he sat upright as if bolstered by a fresh current of energy.

"Look Zoe, either I throw you in a mental asylum to rot, or I forego my job to take care of you." he spat. His holler reverberated in my ears like a clap of thunder.

I was caught up in a conundrum, trying to figure out what it was all about. Hell, I didn't have a clue!

I had grown accustomed to like shocks. I had seen Suraj angry, irritated, but never had I ever seen this particular look. In all my microscopic observations of his tempers and its triggers, alterations in moods over the past months, this fury was unlike any I'd known.

A steely gaze raked over my distressed face. I wondered what had set him off on a rampage.

"Bloody high maintenance crap." He breathed in a menacing cold, caustic smile. I sat in stony silence.

I was tired. My patience was running on reserves now. I threw his head back and took a deep breath. "Suraj . . . what is it?" I asked thoroughly exasperated. "You seem to be hell bent on declaring me certified crazy." I brushed back several sodden curls from my face.

His face now wore an over-eager expression. A thousand questions ran up in my mind.

Ah, finally, we both are on the same page! So, I want you to tell this to your father.

He can help me set up my business!

Tell me more.

Zoe, I always wanted to become a businessman. It's just that I did not have the right resource. But now. . I am very confident that I can make it. . . I have a project in mind and I need you to talk to Papa.

But . . . Suraj! Business is not as easy. There are many highs and lows. I have seen his struggling days. Trust me, I have seen it all.

You don't have faith in my capabilities?

I'm outright. You have a secure job. Very soon you will be promoted to a Second Officer and—

But I don't want to continue shipping! I don't want to spend half my life in water, away from my wife. I always knew that I would leave the ship after marriage.

Oh! You had this in mind right from the beginning. But you never told me this!

Look, we all need to take risks in life. Your father also took one, and see where he is today!

Papa will never give his acceptance for this proposition.

He will. He certainly will, once he comes to know about your health.

What are you implying, Suraj?

You are his weakness, Zoe! You know that. And, you are not in a condition to stay alone. I have to be with you to take care of your mental condition. And, I can't leave you like this and join the ship.

Oh, now I see! That's the reason why you wanted to declare me mentally sick! Tell me, is this the reason you married me? For my background--

Now you are getting it all wrong!

No. I'm not. I am seeing things in the right perspective. You wanted to be a businessman - and I was a ladder to your dreams.

No Zoe — think about it! We both will have loads of money in our bank. We will go on a world tour. Just imagine! I will make you shop as much as you want!

Continue. . . I see where you're coming from.

Zoe, my love, only you can help me fulfil my dream. Speak to Papa. I just need a little help and I am sure I will rock the business fraternity.

Help?

Yep. The resources to help me start my venture.

Papa is always there to lend you his expertise and knowledge.

Fuck his expertise and knowledge. I already have that more than anyone else.

Then?

. . . I need financial help...It's not a big amount. It's just peanuts for him . . . It'll be a loan, I promise!

Are you kidding me!

What's wrong in it?

Suraj! I could never tell this to Papa. Oh My God! I would rather die of shame than do this.

Why? I don't see anything shameful. After all, they are family.

Why don't you ask your father for help?

Oh come on! You know him. He won't give me a single rupee. Think about it!

Our relationship will improve once I have . . .

_What relationship? You've got to be kidding!_

# Chapter 12

H

is eyes were fixed upon me. He was still, regarding me with an expression. I was in a state of numbed shock and horror at what I heard. It was like an unbelievable nightmare.

A flash of white-hot murderous rage engulfed me and I sprang to my feet, pacing around now. I scrutinized him for a long time.

"What happened?" he gritted out.

"I . . . never . . . thought . . . dowry. . ." I just trailed off, shuddering, unable to pull my eyes away from him. I paled several shades and fell on the couch holding my hand on my chest, trying to steady my breathing.

Silence hung, no one spoke.

After a few calming breaths, I gave him a wistful stare and answered, "There is nothing left between us. It's all finished! Consider this relationship over from my side." I retorted.

I couldn't continue a relationship with someone who embodied all that I abhorred. Hatred for this man oozed from every pore in my body.

Before letting any other thought invade my mind, I took a deep breath and swung the bedclothes away. I emptied my wardrobe and hurled all my clothes on the bed.

"What are you doing?"

"Leaving you."

"Put all your clothes back immediately." Suraj thundered. His voice has that tinge of male arrogance that always left me feeling disgusted. "No, I won't."

"Yes, you will."

"No, I won't."

"Get lost and don't come back." There was contempt in the frigid gaze.

"Which is exactly what I always attempt to do... you drag me back with fake promises."

"Well, I'd rather commit suicide than do any such thing now." He snarled. "All I want is to see the back of you, once and for all." One side of his mouth kicked up.

"Goodbye Suraj," I said in a tone of sudden solemnity. The words like acid in my mouth, burned my throat with repulsion. "You have no idea how happy this freedom makes me."

As he saw me look towards him, he sketched a slight bow towards me in sneering gratitude.

"Thanks for the longest, saddest, most shattering walk in my life."

My words were met with a strained silence that lay like a cloak over the desert. And then, as though awakening from some deep slumber, in a stumbling, almost trance-like daze, he sprang towards me.

He captured both my wrists in a brutal grip making me wince in distress.

"My Angel. . . Please!" His voice was low and tinged with regret. Like a chameleon, he had switched his colour effortlessly to blend in. There was a tenseness he wasn't even trying to mask.

After a minute, he pleaded, "Forgive me for the last time!" "This," I screamed, "is too much." I reached for a bottle and hurled it viciously across the room with a ragged breath.

"Suraj, let me go." He did not speak. Motionless he knelt.

"Please stay with me!!!" He begged in remorse.

"NO! NEVER!" I cried with a continued sense of betrayal.

"I want to get out of this mess. I believed you were insane. But I was wrong! You want to drive me insane!" I mellowed in anguish, scrunching up my face in disgust, "and for what . . . for money! You cheat!" I emitted between flattened lips.

"No . . . no! Don't get me wrong. I really love you. Please don't leave. I don't want to be alone." He slurred again feigning remorse for my benefit.

His hands clasped tightly in a pleading gesture, "I'm sorry for everything!" he repeated, trying to embrace me, but I pushed him away like he was some sort of beggar, pleading for my riches.

I lifted my head and looked straight through him. "No," I said slowly. "You don't understand. The things you've done are too terrible to ever be forgiven, and you don't even know they're terrible. That's why, never."

"I'm sorry, Suraj," I continued quietly. "I'm so sick of you. My - my head aches with your manipulations and scare tactics." I hissed.

"You take me to the graveyard...and... scare me half to death....you convince me that I am a mentally ill...you don't let me speak to my parents...you lock me in the house... and now you talk about asking Papa for money. Oh, how disgusting can a person be?"

"I know," he said softly, holding me tighter. "God, I know I've done . . . terrible things," he said with a self-deprecating look. He inhaled the next sentence. "But, trust me. I won't..." He cupped my face in his large hands, hoping for a tentative reconciliation. "You have to believe that, all right?" he murmured, clasping my hand within his and holding onto it tightly. "It's *all* all right."

"Hah!" My voice was hard, my body unresponsive to his ministrations of stroking.

"Believe you!!" I mocked with arched eyebrows, "What kind of idiot you think I am?"

"If you don't --" He took my hand and pressed it against his chest.

".... You will kill yourself!" I finished his sentence with a smirk.

He caught both my wrists and stopped suddenly, looking at me with a sorrowful expression.

"You'll forgive me?" His voice was raspy and deep. I swatted him away. Suraj waited for a response. When it did not come, his agitation resurfaced. He stormed to the kitchen and came back holding a knife at his wrist. "I swear I'll do it,"

My response was calm.

"Go ahead!"

His gaze didn't waver. "I am serious–" 'The man's insufferable!' I thought to myself.

"I swear to God, I will kill myself, and it will be your bloody fault, and you will feel guilty all your life!"

"Promise me, you'll do it for me, Suraj!" I challenged, giving him a disbelieving look.

"I said I will kill myself with this damn thing!" His jawline tightened and his eyes flared with the innate stubbornness that I had come to know so well. I wanted to laugh at his pettiness.

'The scoundrel!' I shrugged my shoulders scornfully.

"Wait," I whimpered.

Suraj snickered sardonically, "Aah!"

I wanted to slap the phoney, ingratiating smile off his sour face. The moment he tilted his head back with a self-satisfied smirk, I struck. The smile on his lips died in an instant as I handed him another knife.

"This one's sharper, darling." I smiled with a cruel curling of my lips in mockery.

Then, finally, in a tone that was completely devoid of any hint of emotion, I said, "Well, uh, anyway. . . You are free to kill yourself whenever you wish to. I am packing my stuff."

"Zoe, try hard, but there's no way in hell that I'll let you slip away from my clutches," he growled.

My heart was hammering in my chest, and I was beginning to feel quite breathless. All my fears came skittering back on me, making my heart beat fast and then slow.

'Get out! Get out!' A tiny voice told me to go towards freedom and for the moment sense prevailed.

"I think you're making a terrible mistake Zoe."

"If so, it's mine to make." I admonished, frowning down at him with my arms folded across my chest.

Suraj said nothing but was visibly struggling. He let out a long sigh as he walked towards the table and grabbed a bottle of water. Filling a glass, he lifted his gaze at my face that had turned red.

I saw the quick flicker of emotions behind his eyes: rage, frustration, helplessness, guilt, and, finally, sadness. It was a surprisingly quiet sadness and when he spoke, his voice was surprisingly quiet too.

"I just wish," he said, not looking at me but at the floor, "that I could say the right thing, do the right thing, to make this easier for you." His face was pale.

"Whatever you want from me, I want to do it. I want to be there for you in whatever is the right way for you, Zoe." "Really?" I muttered unconvincingly.

He shook his head in response and gave me a reproachful look. "Zoe," he said eventually, "I know I can't undo what has been done. I don't know why I did, what I did. I swear if you give me one last ---"

I shot him a rueful look. "Whatever you did is over, now I have to go..." I dropped my voice.

He looked at me, not saying a word. The silence that sat between us was an uncomfortable silence. I felt like words weren't needed.

To my utter surprise, he burst into tears; wept; wept without the least shame, the tears were heavy and copious. Finally he had my attention! I watched the look on his face, found myself studying him against my better judgment. I felt myself softening, the anger dissipating from me.

'Get out! Get out! Get out Now! Don't let this sway you!' a voice in my head screamed non-stop like a broken record, stuck on repeat.

I walked to the bathroom and splashed my face with water. For several minutes, I found myself slumped back against the wall like a broken branch. Confusion swathed me in its blankets, seeping steadily in my carefully constructed walls of defenses.

Time ticked, tapping out the minutes into fifteen, twenty and even more, blaring into my contemplations. I found myself dipping into an emotional crescendo till I succumbed to the wave of pure, raw, unfiltered emotions. And I wept. I wept till I melted like a cloud in the silent summer heaven.

Time had only weakened me. I had neither strength nor self-esteem. I was lonely and emotionally distraught. There was no one by my side at this time. The unknown was scary. I was tangled in a fine web and afraid to take a leap. I was only 28 years old, and had a life ahead of me. My mind was at full gallop, racing over the memories of my past—testing out possibilities of a future—I hit a mental roadblock.

The futility of it all sapped my strength until I felt myself folding with despair. I stood mummy-like in the center of a spiral crossroads wondering what foot to move, where to go, with little or no knowledge of how to survive. Was it easy? Absolutely not!

'Get out! Get out!' The sirens sounded farther and farther away.

I lingered in my refuge for as long as I could, only emerging when I was sure that I could cling to my brave façade.

"Zoe." Suraj tried again.

"Are you really so angry with me that you have to leave? He placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, but I cringed away from him, dabbing at the tears that were still gushing from the corners of my eyes.

He ran his fingers gently over my hair. "Zoe, talk to me." I lifted my head and looked straight through him, my crying subsiding momentarily.

"I just..." I hunted my mind's library for a suitably quelling reply.

"I just..." I began again, but never managed to complete the sentence.

"Don't let me regret this decision Suraj," I finally said with a sigh.

"I'm sorry dear," he wrapped his hands around my neck and with a sort of reverence, kissed my forehead, then my cheek, and finally my lips.

I assured myself the worst was over. Big mistake.

S

# Chapter 13

ick?

Yes, you could say I was sick. If it had been fever or

cold, I would have two or three bad days. But, I was going into my second week of being sick. Seriously, I did not recall a time when I was this sick and weak. The last few weeks had provided me with enough stress to last most people's entire lifetime. So getting this sick was of little surprise to me.

During this time, Suraj was of great help to me, he would never let me do anything, or wake me during naps. He made sure to keep a check on my eating and resting. He would help me cook and change sheets. No matter how much busy he was, he never failed to make sure I had food on time and took my vitamins and other medicines prescribed.

It seemed like it was a peculiar underhanded thing. It seemed clandestine. He started coming around, talking to me and I was like melted butter.

His changed attitude touched me and stirred to life emotions long denied. For the brief shining moment, I lowered my guard and responded to him with all the love I had bottled inside.

He'd signed a contract for six months the previous evening. Everything was sorted now!

"What would you like to eat for breakfast?" questioned Suraj's voice from behind.

"Whatever suits you," I replied in a neutral melancholic voice.

"What happened Zoe?" he asked his eyes searching my seamed face for an answer to the seriousness in my eyes.

"Nothing."

"Tell me?" His voice softened over the question.

Silence followed.

"I was thinking that. . . I have not . . ." Damn! I cringed a little, not sure what to make of the words.

"Tell me what I can do to make you happy, Zoe? I just want to know what I can do to bring a smile on your lips. What do you need from me?"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"I just want to. . ." I said softly

"To what?" he asked with urgency. I saw him swallow. His jaw moved back and forth, once, twice and again.

"I want...to go home, Suraj," I paused and added, "I want to meet my parents." To say I was relieved would be an understatement. I was beyond relieved and unburdened.

"I can never let you go. Never!!" Gently he leaned forward and whispered, "I will die without you. I love you baby."

"But, you are going on the ship, isn't it!" He sat looking at me, saying nothing. Tears began rolling down my cheeks.

"Shh... shhh... Okay—okay--it's okay, don't cry," he said with an affected sigh. "Very well, wait till tomorrow. . . " He fumbled for words. "Let me get the joining date. Then I will make the arrangements," he said, as shivers danced down my spine.

My eyes widened in disbelief. "Are you saying -- Yes? OH!

Thank you... so... much Suraj!"

"I am not as bad as you think." he murmured. "You surely aren't!" I smiled blushingly.

"You're such a cry-baby!" he added with a humorous smirk. "Here," he handed me his phone after unlocking the password,

"tell them you are coming to visit them."

"Yay!!"

"Tell you what," Suraj said, "I'll cook dinner tonight." He looked to me, and I raised my eyebrows with some skepticism. "Are you sure!" I asked. Within minutes, I found myself wrapped snugly in a blanket, and sipping a bowl of warm soup while Suraj busied herself with dinner preparations.

My mouth watered with anticipation and my stomach growled as I sat and waited. I leaned back against the bed flicking through TV channels. My thoughts drifted to my Mom. She liked to stir things up in the kitchen and experiment different cuisines and recipes. Each meal was incredibly creative, but, above all, healthy.

The sputter of onions broke my reverie, as they hit the pan echoing an angry, inarticulate hiss. The smell of food permeated the air, sending my taste buds into melt down.

"Suraj!" I called out. "I'm starving!"

"I'm pretty sure you are. I've said this myself quite a few times." He answered from the kitchen.

"So....what's on offer?" I quizzed.

Before long, Suraj came through the bedroom door carrying a tray of chicken and biryani. His face beamed as he placed the tray on the bed announcing, "We are having fried chicken."

"I am so hungry." I giggled, "That smells so amazing. I could eat my food and everyone else's too!!!" We both gobbled the chicken like hungry kids.

A few hours later, I snuggled up with Suraj whilst he watched his favourite cartoon channel on TV – Tom & Jerry show. He laughed hysterically at the antics of Tom stating he loved the way Tom tormented and humiliated the mouse, teasing it before pouncing on it for the final kill. The statement shocked me to the core. Goosebumps appeared on my arms. 'These tendencies would be apt for horror films,' I said to myself, shaking my head in disgust.

Nodding, I kissed his cheek and hurried to the kitchen to clear up the remains of dinner.

Next morning, as the sun lit up my bedroom with its rays shining through the curtains, I realized that I had overslept. I was up and inhaled the cool of the morning freshness. The air was invigorating and steadied my faculties. I ran my hand through my loosened hair for a while.

I smelt the wonderful aroma of freshly brewed coffee brimming through the house. I walked in the kitchen and my eyes widened with bewilderment. *He* was up before me and was preparing coffee - the master himself! And he was whistling a tune softly whilst pouring!! A quizzical look crossed my face.

"Come," he said, as he picked the tray in one hand and curled the other around my waist. A very large cup of coffee was steaming on the glass table. He sat down gazing off into the distance as if in a trance.

I looked at him confused and saw the signs of strain on his face. Stroking a few strands of hair from my forehead, I whispered, "Uh....Nice!" a feeling of suspicion nagging at me.

He was staring at me now, never breaking eye contact even for a second. I squirmed uncomfortably in my chair.

"Zoe, look at me." He brushed a hair out of my eyes and placed a butterfly-soft kiss on my forehead. "I need to tell you something."

"Come here, sweetheart." He gestured me to sit closer to him.

"What is it?" I asked walking over to his side, scrutinizing his face for signs of discomfort. I saw his mouth drop slightly and his forehead furrow under strain, clear signals that he was about to say something I wouldn't like. I put my hand on Suraj's arm and his face smoothed out to become the morose countenance that characterized him.

"Well. . ." he drawled, scooting closer and tugging me into a side-hug. "I. . . I have taken up a new job--" he announced giving a tired sigh.

"Yeah, you told me about it yesterday. Have they given you the date of sailing?" I prodded with a smile.

"What I am saying Zoe is..." he took a haggard breath. An awkward silence followed. A pregnant pause.

"Zoe before you...." he tried to explain.

"I'm saying..." he began a roundabout answer. He was still not sure what he wanted to say.

"Well I . . . I told you yesterday that I have a new job—

"Hmm," I realized that I had been holding my breath. I let it out with a deep whoosh.

"Which coast will you be sailing?"

"Wait! Hang on just a second there, Zoe," he interjected. He ran a hand heavily over his forehead.

"I know this might sound crazy but..."

"But...?" I looked at him speculatively. I had a growing seed of paranoia in my mind.

'Could his hesitation really be that simple?' There was another long, drawn out moment of silence.

"Suraj, is there something on your mind?" I was willing to listen to anything, no matter how bizarre.

More silence.

"I quit those bastards."

"You again quit! How many companies will you quit, Suraj!"

"They wanted me to sail for 6 months."

"So!!!... where was the problem, I fail to understand!!?" I responded automatically, in shock.

"Problem?" he rasped. "The only problem was that I could not bear to stay away from you for such a long period. So I quit my job for you and took up a new one." He punctuated this statement with a look that said Don't Ask More.

'For ME!!! What in heaven's name was this man up to?' Silence.

"You picked up some job without consulting me?" I demanded.

"Woman! Do you even have a brain?" He spat.

"Do you?" I asked coolly.

"Of course! I have the temperament of a true genius." he smiled.

"Do you know that I qualify for Mensa? I am among the two percentile population categorized as a genius. I have an IQ of 160! I am an extraordinary genius!" he beamed.

'You can have a very high IQ and yet be a complete idiot,' I thought to myself.

"I think it's a very narrow definition of genius."

His jaws immediately flexed. "What?"

"Yes, Yes!" I said with sarcasm. "Outstanding intelligence, I can see that."

His expression was as ominous.

"Get this in your useless brain. . . I have picked up a job at Enron Rigs. It's an On-shore assignment, which means I don't have to sail. I may be required to travel to Kandla port, but that will be just for 2 days."

"And..." I asked cautiously.

"And the best part is that it's a 9-6 job at the dock. So we can spend more time together. And lead a normal married life. Tomorrow 10 am is my joining. They've offered me a salary is ten thousand Rupees per month."

I repeated in astonishment: "Ten Thousand Rupees a month?" I was flabbergasted, completely befuddled by his words. My questioning eyes screamed at him. His erratic behaviour was confusing me.

I broke the silence. "Is that all Suraj?"

He wasn't telling me the truth. Or at least not the whole truth. I looked over at him, worried.

"Yes. That's all!"

'How infuriatingly impractical could this man be? What could he possibly be thinking? How could he take up a suboptimal job with a hole-in-the-wall company? Why? He was willing to earn less. Why?'

Somehow it would not make sense. I felt like I was losing my sanity.

After what seemed like an eternity, I was able to drag my eyes back to his face. I didn't believe him for a second. I opened my mouth but no words came out. I vigorously shook my head.

My heart told me it was wrong - it was screaming 'Betrayal!'

'There's more,' I said to myself. I was apprehensive that my worst fears might be proven true. 'Had he just been lying to me and if he had, how could I trust he was telling the truth now?' When the questions came, I fired them out like bullets, and they tore into him in exactly the same way. He narrowed his eyes, and I noticed the tightening of the muscles in his jaw, he seemed to struggle with his rising temper.

"Why. . . How. . . When did this happen? When did you go for this interview? Why did you not consult me? You were home all last week." I queried as a million thoughts flooded my head, one stumbling over the other making it difficult for me to actually think.

"Show me the offer letter they—"

He didn't wait for me to finish my questions and his expression morphed into one of boredom.

"Go and make breakfast," he said with a narrowed gaze and disapproving expression on his face.

'What the hell!' I frowned in desperation. I glanced up through my eyelashes seeking some explanation from him.

Suraj's anxiety was ratcheted up a notch, another notch, and then ten more notches and he struggled to keep it off his face as I looked at him.

"Shut up and get lost," he screamed, giving me a sharp, incredulous glare.

"You know what? Never mind." I huffed and walked away.

The implications began to whirl around my head. 'This wasn't the way things were supposed to go. Everything had been worked out a day before. I would go to Delhi in 2-3 days. And this was the way it was agreed upon, wasn't it?' He stood staring at me. Suddenly he towered over me, his eyes hard and assessing. His bare chest was a breath away from me—my lips were just below his. Panic flared.

"Zoe, don't worry darling!" he said, returning to his calm, baseline demeanour as if nothing happened. "I have planned out everything for you."

It wasn't the first time that he had made decisions for me. Life was all about his agenda, not mine.

"I have some very good proposals coming up, don't worry!"

"Go away!!" I screamed at him sulking. "I am tired of hearing all these cock-and-bull stories.

I looked ahead with weary eyes to an uncertain future and the unanswered questions swirling in my mind threatened to engulf me.

"We need... to talk" I finally stuttered. I could not keep the panic out of my voice. His only response was to lift one dark eyebrow. "Yes."

For a moment I did not reply, but I felt warm tears well up into my eyes, as I looked out over the sky. 'Oh! What was my fate to be?'

I felt myself falling into a deep hole of darkness as the words tumbled out of my mouth. "Tell me," I said at last, "how . . . how could you sabotage your career and blame me for it? This is so immature. How could you step down from your position? How will we manage the finances with a salary of 10,000!! And what will my family think? You should have at least taken advice before committing this blunder."

I could tell from the way his face was set, with just the tiny twitch at the side of his mouth that it was coming. "I don't care what your damn family thinks! Do you get that?" he huffed with annoyance.

Bang went the door, bang went the windows, with curtains flying over them. I just stood there, unable to figure out the situation. I was tired, tired of it all.

Astonishment had momentarily blanked all questions from my mind. I wanted to talk to someone. But with whom? 'Should I discuss it with my father?' I pondered. I decided to hit the pause button and wait till he volunteered some more information.

My mind was in a whirlpool of dismaying confusion. A thousand thoughts hijacked my mind. 'What kind of prudent decision was this?' I mused. After a cursory look at the information that he'd given, it appeared to me that somehow, something was not in place.

I didn't know why, but I had a feeling of being hideously violated; my every instinct screamed 'Fraud.'

'Damn you Suraj, for screwing up my life again,' I thought to myself.

I looked up into his eyes. "Hey," he murmured to me, wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing me. He reached up and touched my cheek gently, "Zoe, look at me, love."

"Trust me in this, my love...we'll be fine." he stated with a distant, distracted, faraway look in his eyes. His saccharine voice and phony endearments of love was more than I could bear. "You know what, Suraj? Don't give me this bull-shit." I said, shaking my head furiously as I willed myself to stop the questions that were stealing up from my throat.

Attuned to the tension in my voice, he quickly offered a reassuring smile before attempting to visually disengage my attention.

"Hmmm. . . Hmmm. . . . We'll catch up on this tomorrow. I am very tired." He yawned, pretending to be sleepy, deliberately ignoring my ploy for talking. "I need to sleep. We should both

get some rest. I'll talk to you in the morning."

He settled into deep sleep, breathing steadily against me, leaving me in silence to experience the loneliness of emotional abandonment. I knew I wasn't going to get any rest that night. I lay hovering between sleep and wakefulness as he slept. Something nagged at me, a premonition – 'like something was about to befall.' I had no clue.

I stirred and opened my eye – just a little – And then, suddenly infuriated by all the things that had gone wrong, I broke down into tears.

# Chapter 14

T

he sun had barely crested the horizon that morning, when I slowly awakened from a slumber, as refreshing as that of a healthy child. I pulled back the curtains and opened the windows, shielding my eyes against the startling brightness.

The monsoon sky had lightened and birds had started to appear, swooping in and out of the treetops. I took a whiff of fresh air, trying to beat back the confusion of yesterday's events. The discussions encompassed a full range of unanswered questions that had ended without resolution. I knew that I wouldn't be able to resist questioning him now.

"Suraj, I think we must have a little talk about your job." I said, treading cautiously. He seemed in no mood to volunteer any more information than was necessary.

He looked back at me meditatively and replied "Hmm" in a self-speculating, hesitating tone.

"Tell me what is going on?" My face turned red with frustration. "Please... tell me something! What position have they offered you? And –"

"Oh, for God's sake Zoe, can I at least drink some tea before I'm bombarded with all your stupid questions?" he growled "Can't you just leave me alone? I am answerable to no one... do you get that!" My face hardened.

"What I do or don't is none of your bloody business."

All I wanted to talk was about his job, whereas all he seemed to want to do was forget about it. I was finding it hard to keep my patience. "Why are you over-reacting, Suraj!"

"No, I am not," he protested. "And stop making something out of nothing." He yelled dismissively.

"All I'm asking you is --"

"Will you listen?" He interrupted me.

"Don't instigate me to fight with you." he screeched. "Get out of my way --Right now."

"Calm down"

"Don't tell me to calm down! This is my house and I can do whatever I like in my own home."

He stormed in the washroom. My mind was reeling at the implausibility of his reactions, when harsh, vicious sounds erupted from the bathroom, punctuated with curses.

Suraj walked out holding a toothpaste tube in his hand. He glared at the toothpaste squeezed from the middle and not the bottom. Lifting his head he glared at me malignantly, eyes burning like two red-hot coals.

'Oh no! Not again! Careless me!'

"Suraj, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—"

"Do you want this squeezed in your face before you learn your lesson?" His face was utterly grave and gave no hint of a smile.

My throat constricted, and an all-predominating sense of terror clouded my senses. I felt his eyes pinning my body, freezing it against movement or response. His eyes seemed cold, vacant, even a touch mean. Punched and nearly breathless by that look, my mouth hung open but words refused to issue forth.

I was in no mood to listen to his verbal insults. "Okay, just calm down first –" Before I could complete, he slammed the door behind him! "Whew!" I sighed audibly wiping the perspiration from my throbbing forehead.

I was tired, so tired. All I wanted was to close my eyes and disappear into the darkness.

I couldn't explain it but this was something big, something that nudged at my subconscious, needling and yet refusing to step from the shadows. I felt a shudder race over my skin and chill my senses.

Inside the room there was a moment's silence; then Suraj called out from the bedroom, "I'm not having breakfast. I am running late." He glanced at me as he passed, his eyes locking on my tired ones for a second and then he was gone.

A week passed in silence. He would leave for work early in the morning, before I woke. He'd return late in the evenings, he'd set down his drink, then stomp back into the living room to watch television. He'd begun making excuses for not coming home right after his job, sometimes staying out all night, drinking. He would be extremely moody at home and refused to tell me what the trouble was.

Each day he'd have that same tired note in his voice. That same tone that told me how many brick walls and dead ends he'd run up against today. Each time I questioned something, or came close to asking any details about the job, he would get mad at me.

I would walk up and down the room wondering each day what was really going on. Suraj had not gone to the ship for a single day since marriage. It was weird that now suddenly he took up this job. Nothing made sense. In hindsight, I recalled that he would often speak about different employment contracts, with each one having a better title than the former. I wondered why he seemed so strangely tight-lipped about his job details. I eventually decided that these questions were best left for another day, and got up and proceeded to my daily chores.

Sands of silence settled over us, sagging under the weight of the words left unsaid, creating a deafening rift. The unsaid got heavier and heavier 'til we didn't even fight out loud anymore and settled into the rhythms of cohabitation.

I welcomed the quietude. There was an eerie stillness to our relationship.

A disconnection . . .

Blackness . . .

Silence . . .

The silence ebbed and flowed, neither broke it. Our life existed in this vortex . . . it looked as if we'd finally reached a deadlock.

I sat in that abysmal darkness retreating into solitude. I strolled through the narrow alleys of the garden to escape the monotony of long days. I put the TV on to drown out the echoing hush that descended upon the room. Solitude was something I had grown accustomed to.

Suddenly out of the silence came the sound of the doorbell. I wasn't in any mood for company.

"Hey, Mac!" I smiled, as I opened the door to Suraj's best friend.

"Where's he?" asked Mac, grinning ear to ear.

"Office." I replied, as Mac seated on the sofa while I dutifully proceeded to bring him water. He had been smiling, but now his face puckered quizzically. An odd look of incomprehension shrouded in his eyes. He crinkled his forehead between the eyes as if he was trying to put things in the right perspective. The odd look in his eyes was gone almost as quickly as it had arrived. "Mac?" I shot him a questioning look. "It's strange that you should come here at this time seeking him."

I sat up straight at the edge of the chair watching his serious expression. His eyes were fixed on a point in space.

"Um . . . er . . ." Mac flustered. He looked a bit blindsided by the questioning.

"Ah, yes he did tell me over the phone," he said, as he searched for the right words. He seemed momentarily stumped. He decided on, "Um, I was in Goa for a week, so could not get time to catch up with him."

I looked at him with a glassy stare. I knew he was hiding something. "Mac, is there something I am unaware of?"

Mac cleared his throat. "No, not exactly..." He paused for a moment, deep in thought and let the spoken words hang as a taste on his tongue. "I'd like to take your leave now." he said. He looked as if he had been caught red-handed with no explanation that he could come up with.

"Wait. . ." I said with a sense of urgency in my voice. Before I could stop him, he darted out the doorway averting my eyes. Amidst it all, I could feel it — there was something wrong, something I couldn't quite put my finger on.

My brain was zooming like racing cars in a formula one competition at this unexpected shift in Max's disposition. 'Why did Mac lie to me?' I wondered. Suraj told me that they both partied two days back. I wondered what this man was up to, who was he with, why did he need to lie to me?'

I was beginning to doubt if I'd ever get the story pieced together. Chaotic jumbles of desperate thoughts were banging on my head.

'If only I knew what it was!' Whatever it was, I felt I was in a hellhole.

A few hours later, I walked across the corridor and rang my neighbors' bell.

"Hello. . . I'm Zoe. I live next door." I pointed to the left. I forced a smile upon my face, for one did not come as willing.

"Of course Zoe!" With a big smile, I was led in by a woman of middle age, with a hoarse, colorless and funereal voice. Her eyes were somewhat hooded and almond shaped. Her most notable feature was the crisscross of lines on her forehead that looked almost like a spider's web. She was draped in a simple cotton saree and her heavily colored red hair was pinned neatly in a bun at the nape of her head. Green glass bangles encircled her forearms and fine jewelry adorned her neck, hands and fingers.

"Have a seat, dear. Please, don't look at this mess. The house has just been painted. So things are haywire."

I looked around the living room and I was mesmerized by its beauty. It smelt of fresh paint. The house was artistically furnished but nothing overly ornate.

"On the contrary, the house looks conspicuously perfect to me." I smiled.

"My grandmother used to say," said the lady, "when you are messy inside, the outside world always seems too perfect!" She darted me a knowing look from behind the eyes deeply set under the brows, which gleamed so intelligently behind the spectacles.

"So, uh, what did you want to see me about?" I raised a speculative eyebrow. "I mean, the maid told me that you wanted to say something. . . So uh . . . did you want something?"

"Yes I did! Let me introduce myself. I am Mrs Nadkarni."

"Nice to meet you."

"And," I said appreciatively, "You have such a beautiful house!" A deep blush came for a minute over the pale features of Mrs Nadkarni's face. A luxuriously soft leather sofa dominated the room with square cushions around it. On the immaculate carpet, stood a contemporary center table having a divided glass top and a stylish base. Twin crystal chandeliers adorned the ceiling. A very tall beautifully framed oil painting of a tribal lady drew my eye.

As I looked around at the clutter-free room, I thought of my lifeless living room with its alien walls, albeit by someone who had a penchant for art. My house needed a complete make-over and refurbishment in all rooms.

"If you wouldn't mind me asking, since how long have you been staying here?"

"I've been staying here ever since I got married. Twelve odd years now."

"Oh! And how old was Suraj when you came here?" I asked inquisitively.

I felt the air around me resonate with tension. The lady's solemn gaze roved over my face.

Silence.

Minutes later, I followed her to the kitchen where she made lemon juice. We chatted about several things - her passion for cooking, my family background and my move from Delhi to Mumbai. I liked her.

A futuristic smile bloomed across my face, as I reclined upon the soft sofa.

"Soon I'll also renovate my house in this manner. And you will have to help me do that." I gave her a warm grin.

She looked at me as if she clearly had no idea what I was talking about. "That's against the contract, dear," she said lamely.

"Contract?! What on earth do you mean?" I stared at her in a baffled way. I could not restrain the sudden leaping of my heart. "It's mentioned in the rent agreement?"

"Rent agreement . . . Wh – What rent agreement are you talking about?" My eyes were almost as still as some billboard poster. In a split second, my mental capacity was exhausted.

"There is some mistake...This is our own house." I put a hand to my forehead.

"Really!" asked Mrs Nadkarni, raising a skeptical eyebrow. I was completely caught off-guard.

Confusion was etched on my face. My brain desperately scrambled to make sense of it all.

"Had I missed something?"

"I don't know why you should doubt that...." I said looking bewildered. I gave a long look as though I was trying to peep into Mrs Nadkarni's brain. "What was she really trying to say?" Stark sincerity shone through her eyes and vibrated in her voice. She looked at me as if she wanted to say more.

My mind was swirling with wild theories, and with them came an increasing tightening at the back of my neck. Along with came a sense of a sinister malignant plot closing in on me.

"I can see that there are hundreds of questions that are raising their little voice in your head. Your desire for answers is so strong that I can see it right in your eyes," said the lady. Her voice had a nervous quaver to it. I sat still awaiting the answer as the atmosphere grew tense.

"I really don't know what you're talking about," I said, suddenly weak.

"Well Zoe," said the lady with an air of confidence, "the house that you currently occupy had been sold to Reliance 11 years back. By your in-laws. That was when they upgraded to a bigger apartment."

I widened my eyes in disbelief. A huge pulsating lump lingered in my throat on hearing this. I swallowed several times, but it did not alleviate the problem. I sat back and digested it, perplexed at how it could be possible.

My face fell faster than a skydiver with a faulty parachute. "You!" I pointed at the lady with a trembling finger, "are telling me that. . ."

I sank back into the sofa hyperventilating and swinging between "I can't believe this" to "how . . . can you be . . . so sure!"

"Because *we* bought that property from them-11 years back! I am the owner of your house. My husband works in Reliance. We use that house for internal office staffing."

In that instant my skin grew white as a chalk, my mouth hung with lips slightly parted and my eyes were as wide as they could stretch. Shocked beyond words at the deception and intrigue, I — once so articulate — began slurring for words. I pressed my lips together, confusion flashing across my face.

The shock slammed into me like a pellet.

"There's more...the reason I called you was to remind you that..."

"You have to vacant this house in a month. The house had been taken on rent for just three months for your marriage." "Oh my God!" I covered my mouth with my hand.

"They came to us and said that their son is receiving a flat worth crores as dowry. So, this would just be a stop-gap arrangement, till the property papers are legalized in his name."

"Three Months?! Dowry!" The words echoed in my head over and over. I averted my eyes down to the plush carpet, feeling my face flushing crimson. I rolled over to face the back of the sofa, my eyes squeezed shut tightly.

After minutes of silence, I asked the crucial question, without even knowing what I really wanted to ask.

"Why?" But she understood.

"Because the world is full of evil people, dear." I saw her stare at me with a grim expression. Her stare was somewhat akin to a scientist observing a rather unusual lab specimen.

There was again a long silence before Mrs Nadkarni reached to pat my hand as I nodded my head and composed myself.

Slowly, I pulled myself to my feet before glancing back up to catch her eye.

"I think I'll go now," was all I could say.

Mrs Nadkarni watched my somber expressions as I registered shock and a sharp unmistakable anxiety.

"Are you okay, dear?" she asked softly.

"I guess," I replied vaguely.

"Be safe, my dear" Mrs Natkari gripped my hand tightly.

"And, make sure you call me if you need anything, okay?" The lady put her arms around me giving me an awkward squeeze.

"I mean it. Anytime, day or night." Under her breath, she added, "My brother is right here - in the Police Department."

Her face was contorted with so much concern that I lowered my gaze. I didn't want to see pity in her eyes for me.

"That's my mobile number," she said, handing me a piece of paper.

"That's very kind of you. Thanks for everything." I tried to appear calm and collected. But my leg gave me away, as the foot got right through the first one.

"Careful, Zoe!!"

My hands shook so hard I couldn't fit the key into the lock.

My fingers trembled, as if in spasm.

A small voice of intuition told my logic to gear up to face oblivion. But then wasn't logic a feeble little candle before destiny.

'Home!' I looked round the room, reviewing all its familiar objects. Now within some days, we would have to leave and go. 'Go where?' Sweat and tears dripped from my body like rain, and my hands felt like all the skin had been burned off them. I took a deep breath to steady my frazzled nerves.

How would my parents react to this news? Suraj and his family had betrayed their trust. At the time of marriage, my parents had been told that this property was in Suraj's name.

The lines between minutes and hours were blurred by the tears which never seized to pour. The silence in the air seemed to be speaking my mind, echoing a melancholy.

I splashed water on my face. I stood before the mirror as pale as death with eyes that were sunk. Dark shadows encircled them, through which heavy tears dropped slowly, one by one, trickling down my cheeks. These were the eyes of a girl whose trust had been violated a few hours before.

Suddenly an inner voice bespoke 'Watch out....There's more.'

I needed to talk to my parents. Damn Suraj for taking my cell phone. I walked to the nearest telephone booth. My hand shook as I dialed the familiar digits. Please God, let Mom or Papa answer the phone, I thought, please, please, please... "Come on, answer," I said urgently.

"Please, Mama, pick up the phone," I pleaded with despair. I looked around at the man waiting outside the booth, my glance sweeping across his reasonably fleshy face and a perfectly bald head. A fly buzzed above his head, and he stood contemplating what his chances of hitting it was.

I wanted to share my ordeal with my family, but would they be able to bear the weight of this slow, insidious deception? How would I tell them that their son-in-law had no source of income?

And what impression would that create in their minds? Would they be able to bear this pain? Was I brave enough to expose my vulnerability before them?

"Shit! Shit!" I whispered absently as I slammed the receiver into the phone's cradle, feeling defeated.

I closed my eyes and tried to think straight. But all I could see was the red mist of anger creeping upon me from all sides. Then, through the mists, a sudden thought descended.

I punched in Suraj's mobile number. "There are some urgent matters and issues we have to discuss, for which I want you to come home early from work today." I replayed what I would say to Suraj in my mind.

I dialed his number again. Except. The call was routed straight to his voicemail. I hung up the phone exasperated.

I have to talk to this man today, I said, while my mouth wore that firm expression that indicated courage and daring. I looked up his work number from the Yellow Pages and dialed.

"Hello?" I could barely recognize my own voice. It was huskier than usual. It sounded unnatural, forced.

A voice answered at the other end.

"Direct Assistance. How may I help you?"

I asked for Suraj's extension giving his full name. The monotone voice responded after some time, "I'm sorry, we have no employee for that name."

I put the phone down, flabbergasted.

I then dialled the home landline and waited for the person on the other end to pick up.

"Hello," a deep familiar voice answered finally. A realization dawned on me.

"Hello?" He said when there was no answer made from my side.

I replaced the receiver back in its cradle and stood for a while, as the butterflies in my stomach fluttered, causing me to feel almost nauseous. 'Oh god, what had I let myself in for?' In one split second, my life turned upside down.

This was it. This was the end.

The realization of betrayal now crept in – and it was absolutely shattering.

I allowed myself to return to my reflective state.

My shock had yielded to anger at the realization that he had been faking about his job all this while. There was a wild fury in my eye, and a kindling fire in my face.

'The scoundrel! I should have realized the truth sooner!!'

My gut had always told me he was lying about something and it turned out that each morning, he was donning an ironed shirt and knotting his tie before setting out for the job he never had . . . cooking stories about the lack of basic infrastructural facilities and having a hard day at work. In reality, he spent his days loitering around. It turned out he was unemployed....all along... A path began to form in my mind, becoming clearer and clearer.

The truth cracked like a whip through my clouded thoughts. He had betrayed my trust, deliberately lied to me, manipulating my emotions for his own means and for that I could never ever forgive him. My frustration level skyrocketed. I wanted answers about his job and disappearance. Real answers. Not speculations.

# Chapter 15

E

motions collided inside of me like a raging storm. Every single breath I drew, drained my energy. I rang the bell and stared straight into the storm.

"Hello, my dear husband," I greeted pleasantly, my voice light and casual.

Suraj was dressed in white pyjamas, his hair disheveled, eyes sleepily half closed. A dark stubble shrouded his strong jaw and chin accentuating the dark circles under his eyes.

His eyes glittered and I knew that I had struck the mark. Yet there was something more guarded within the depths of those impregnable eyes. Something dark, deadly.

"Z-Zoe . . . Y-You. . ." he gasped looking wildly about him. His voice was squeaky. He blinked groggily at me.

He muttered darkly as I shoved past him and kicked the door shut after me. I could see beads of sweat breaking out over his pasty face. He flinched as though I had brandished a whip at him.

"So, you work here, huh?" My chin tilted upward, as I eyed him coldly.

"I am so sorry to drag you away from your workstation." I sneered shrilly through a clenched barricade of teeth. My brow furrowed.

Stunned and speechless, he looked at me in astonishment. Having been caught red-handed, I could see him melting into a puddle of embarrassment. Again he returned my look without blinking. My eyes flared back with anger. No large imploring eyes with cascading tears. No trembling bottom lip. No. Today I locked eyes with him and didn't falter once.

His eyes had a depthless gaze with the stillness of an iceberg. There was a tenseness he wasn't even trying to mask.

He placed his hands on either side of my head and leaned forward, until his mouth was at my ear. "What the hell are you doing here, Zoe?"

"Work, just like you do." I said.

His face was shining with sweat now. He wiped his face on his sleeve and looked up at me.

"Oh it's a plush office!" His expression changed again. He glared at me with a speculative expression on his face, dark eyes narrowing.

"You bloody hypocrite! You liar! Wondering how I found out the truth, huh?" I hissed bitterly.

His face contorted. "How dare you," he growled, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply. "And, what I do is my business," he snarled, cursing under his breath.

"Splendid performance, Mr Suraj Shinde, absolutely splendid!" I clapped my hands together in condescendence. "You lied to me...You planned this from the start didn't you?"

Suraj opened his mouth and closed it several times. His tongue seemed to stick in his mouth.

"What's wrong, you two?" My gaze moved from Suraj to the voice behind him, and I spun around to come face-to-face with my mother-in-law.

"Why are you yelling, Zoe?" she demanded angrily, a maternal note of rebuke in her voice as she spoke.

"No, no," he assured his mother, "it's nothing." he began a roundabout answer. "She's unwell."

"Ah-ah-ah," I crooned, looking up at the startled faces of his parents' looking at me through malicious black eyes, their brows knitted in concentration. Suraj's father was standing in the middle of the room, his eyes blazing with fire.

"To answer your question-" I haughtily alleged, "You all are cheaters! That house is your property huh!" I screeched, my tone loaded with censure.

"Liars!?" I sneered.

The stunned expression on their faces really bespoke it all.

"Zoe, shut your mouth," Suraj snarled, grinding his teeth.

"Or"- he grinned wickedly and began rolling up his sleeves.

I stared at him with the utmost revulsion.

"You'd better shut up!" My veins were pulsing with adrenaline, causing my skin to quiver. "I'm through with this bullshit!" My eyes were accusing, judgmental.

"I won't allow you to order me about! You are nobody to boss around." I was breathless with indignation.

"I said shut up!" he snapped. Don't exhaust my patience, Zoe. If you don't hold your tongue, I will...." He hissed grinding his teeth.

"You will resort to violence, what else?" I squinted hard, as he stared.

"What did you just say?" he screeched, his voice as pale as his face. "Be silent or..." Convulsively he drew back one of his hands to slap me. I flinched away from his touch and he retracted.

SMACK!

My cheek stung painfully. It wasn't exactly a surprise, I knew it was coming; I'd half expected it. I knew him better than anyone, but he didn't know me yet. He almost fell back when my glacial stare suddenly turned fiery. Goaded beyond endurance, I forgot self-control, forgot my in-laws, I forgot everything except the leering face in front of me. Amassing all my might, I slapped him back instantly, more like a recoil.

The sound of the hard slap echoed through the silence. He stood for a moment, staring aghast and appalled, a hand pressed to his stinging cheek.

"If you dare lay your hands on me ever again, I will ensure that handcuffs are put on them." I promised through clenched teeth. I wouldn't let this man intimidate me. I would no longer be a shrinking flower.

"So?" I smiled mirthlessly, "how's the taste of your own medicine?" I hissed, so venomously that Suraj took a step backwards.

"You are finished, Zoe." he screamed.

"Try me." I challenged.

"I will screw your happiness."

"You bastard!"

"Shut up and get out of this house!" he roared. "I'll deal with you when I get home," he added flippantly "Really?" I yelled, anger shaking my arms.

Suraj glared. I glared back.

"All of you, watch out now. Wait till I tell this to my father."

He paused in his wrappings to look at me briefly. His eyes glanced back to his family as he thought about what to say next. "Don't you dare utter a single word to your parents," he warned with extreme belligerence. He grabbed my shoulders with his powerful hands and shook me in anger. While his face got redder and redder, in a slow, deliberate voice, he warned, "Don't You Ever Dare." The muscles in Suraj's throat visibly tightened.

"No more games, no more riddles......Yes, I lied to you," he yelled through a feverishly hot gaze, "Yes! I did –The last decent conversation we shared was about asking your father for help in setting my business. We argued about that when you refused to take any financial help from him. Remember?

His gaze didn't waver. "So I did not have a choice – because I always wanted that your father should help me set my own business."

The expression on his face changed from cold to one of undisguised, evil depravity. "So, you concocted this deceptive scheme?" I retaliated.

He paused. "Look at me, Zoe. Look at me."

I looked away. I wasn't going to make it so easy for him. If he wanted a reaction, he'd get it, but it wouldn't be what he expected.

"I can explain." he offered.

"Listen I...I'm not going to get rough with you. All I want to do is . . ." His closed expression didn't thaw.

"Let me explain," offered my father-in-law.

I looked at him quizzically.

"Look my dear, you have a share in the Delhi apartment. That property must be around 3 crores now. My advice to you is that take your share of property. Also, you both can be included as partner in the business. After all its family business." My eyes narrowed.

'My property! My father's business!' That was what they all wanted.

"Ohh." My heart wrenched in my chest.

"Yes," said Suraj with a strange urgency in his tone.

"See, we can lead a wonderful life. We can be together."

"Together with you?" I snickered, letting just an edge of the irony of it touch my voice.

"Together, with me."

"Over my dead body."

"Leave!" My father-in-law admonished through clenched teeth. "Do you hear?" His voice boomed throughout the room.

Before I could make any prosaic remark, I was forestalled by Suraj. He suddenly shot to his feet and sprang at me like a bull, a fiercely intent expression upon his face. His glare corroded my composure like an acid spell. I was only about an inch away from him, when he grabbed my wrist tightly, leaving marks with his fingernails. A burning hate gleamed from his eyes; he looked like an assassin. The room suddenly felt as airless and claustrophobic as an elevator.

"I understand the sentiments and compulsions behind all these manipulations. You are not man enough," I scoffed with ice in my voice. "to earn your own money and make your own house." I spat, my composure evaporating.

His hands tightened on me in rage, until I could feel the press of each finger.

I stared at him, fire blazing in my eyes, "What's the matter, my dear husband? Finding the truth bitter?"

"Hell," he said, his consternation fading a little, "I know exactly what to do with a woman like you." He swore at me.

"Gentleman huh! This reflects your breeding!" I was screaming now, my face contorted in anger and anguish.

"I hate you Suraj!" There were tears at the edge of my eyes but they stayed there, never falling.

"I know." His voice dripped with sarcasm.

"You don't know, you bastard!" I screamed, as fresh water drops drizzled down my face.

His father's temper flared and scrambling to his feet he took me by the arm and led me straight to the door.

"Go!" he cried, "Go! Before I lose my head! I cannot bear the sight of you just now – go," he yelled in rage. I inhaled a shaky breath, taking the still moment to recover from the shock.

"Suraj! Throw her out." The man hissed, chuckling in a crock voice, eyes burning with spite as he glared at me. His voice cut like a laser and felt like a frostbite.

"You are all animals! I can't believe I'm hearing this. . ." I saw that his face had tightened.

"You will never get what you want, do you hear me?" I evasively replied, as I stormed out and slammed the door behind me.

Revenge was hammering in my head. War had been declared.

I clamped my hands over my mouth, muffling my shrill scream. "Oh, my g- oh god! Oh god!"

Past aesthetically lined trees, I started to walk unaware of my unsteady gait and how unsteadily I proceeded. I passed through familiar streets and turned familiar corners. I wanted to stay on the streets forever, just walking never arriving, for then would come the tears.

Anger, hurt, resentment, frustration - All of these emotions and about a zillion more were having their own "private" war. On the inside. . . I was a mess! I recalled Suraj's gruff voice as he screamed my name followed by slurred profanities.

"Oh," I breathed, a hand held over my mouth. There was a sudden tightness in my throat. I gasped like a fish out of water, saliva drooled from my mouth. I coughed madly, my face growing red.

"G-god?!" I spluttered. 'How could you do this to me?!' I hiccupped a few times, wiping my nose with the back of my palm.

My leg muscles were yelling, 'Stop!' A muscle spasm ensued but I refused to cry out. Yet I desperately needed to stretch my muscles. Finally, I reached a garden. Quietly, I sat down on a stone bench, recounting my failures and betrayals.

As the full import of Suraj's deceptions dawned, I shivered with disgust. 'Why do I always have to go through the awful trials? How many tribulations would I suffer?' I closed my eyes, letting a tear roll down my cheek.

Amidst a light drizzle falling soundlessly, I sat trying to regain my equilibrium. 'How quickly things can change,' I mused.

My mind started to dwell on all the myriad implications of this turn of events. I wished I could go back—back to the time when I had been with my family. Of a time when the world was sweet and kind. The world that was no more. I realized that fairy tales did not come true. Reality sunk in and there was no calming my anxiety.

My throat constricted painfully as I fought back the tears in silence. I couldn't let myself cry over that horrible man. I swallowed. But a single tear leaked from the corner of my eye. It flowed out slowly at first until all of a sudden, a torrent of tears welled up behind my eyelids. Once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in a seething avalanche, slipping down my cheeks without resistance.

I laid my face between my hands and cried. I cried until there was nothing left inside, but a raw emptiness that nibbled my insides like a hungry rat.

'Why did you do this to me? How could you take my dreams away, Suraj?' I cried vehemently.

Strong blowing winds cast eerie shadows on the surrounding trees. A thunderous pour of rain sounded all around me. Flashes of lightning dazzled the darkening sky with the roaring booms of thunder tearing through the air. Yet I heard none of it, felt none of the stinging pellets of droplets that trickled down my body.

My heart thundered against my ribcage. 'How could you cheat me?' It was the voice of a tormented soul who had experienced untold humiliation and disgrace.

I felt a shiver go through my body as a wave of lightheadedness swept over me. I took a few shallow breaths. I felt shaky and weak and it took an effort to hold my head upright. My shoulder throbbed and burned, the searing pain was relentless.

After what seemed like an eternity, I rose from the bench to walk towards my house.

"Aghh!" I cried out as I put pressure on my legs. I swallowed convulsively, my knees suddenly weak. It seemed to me as if the every ounce of energy has been sucked right out of my body.

'For the first time in life, I don't know what to do.' I admitted to myself. I heard myself barely whisper, 'What should I do, God?'

In the silence of the night, I heard the words- 'You must leave.'

The voice was crystal clear and the directive was absolutely compelling.

In an instant, my mind turned from one of heartache and confusion to a sure purpose. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that I was doing the right thing. No one and nothing could stop me now!

Thirty minutes later, I stepped into a travel agency and made a reservation for Delhi for the next day. I called up my Mom and informed her that I would be coming, but refrained from giving any further details.

'Please God, help me get out of this hell,' I prayed fervently. 'Don't let me down! I have no one to turn to.'

Back home, I drew out a small bag and quickly threw in some basic clothes. I dug furiously for my important papers and photographs. I packed my jewelry and cash in a transparent plastic pouch and sealed it.

'I suppose that's all I need,' I mumbled to myself. I tucked my train ticket in the side pocket and I was ready to go. That was the last preparation for the big day.

'Dear God! When will tomorrow come?'

With a saddened heart, I sobbed at the twists and turns that my life had taken.

'It's strange how life can be so paradoxical,' I mused. 'At one moment you're at home getting ready for a predictable ordinary day and that's when that paradox strikes. You suddenly find yourself in a nightmare.' I sighed.

I opened my wardrobe to find unworn clothes that lay dormant. Running a sentimental touch over the fabrics, the pupils of my eyes withdrew into an obscure, vacant stare for a moment. The sight and touch of Suraj's shirts flooded me with nostalgia. I slid his favourite white shirt off the hanger and ran a hand through its fabric to smooth it out. With a saddened heart, I sobbed.

It was midnight. I lay in bed that night, unable to sleep. Suraj had not come home. 'Good for me! I hope he does not turn up till I leave,' I thought to myself.

Every vicious statement he had thrown at me, echoed in my mind. And in those words, I knew that the sound of his voice would haunt me for years to come.

'Why!' I shot out.

My screams filled every corner of the room. I flailed around for a steady surface.

Soon, I'd have left all of it behind without a word. Someday maybe I'd be whole again but I would never be the same.

# Chapter 16

I

lay stiffly on the edge of a bed. It was an hour after midnight.

He was in the house now. The smell of alcohol permeated the room. "I know you're awake," his voice was slurred.

"You're doing the best you can to pretend, I know that." He kissed me on the forehead.

"What is it?" I snapped.

"Zoe, my love, my world . . ."

"I was not . . . a . . . good husband!" He fumbled over his words and closed with a scowl.

"I want you to listen to what I have to say without interrupting until I have finished," he enunciated slowly and carefully, as if speaking to a slow-witted child.

His eyes were bloodshot and his eyelids dropped. "I... I handled things badly earlier and I'm sorry for that. Won't you please forgive me, Darling?" He paused, looking off to the side for a few seconds before turning his face towards mine.

"I'm really... sorry... I am." He fell and stuttered over his words.

"No, I won't," I answered without hesitation. "You don't deserve the forgiveness you have received all these days."

"Zoe . . . I was . . ." He paused again, groping for the right word. "I was an ass, I get that, but," his words were garbled, "why can't we g . . . get past this? He paused again for a while, and thought for a moment.

"Why can't y- - you forgive me?" he asked under his breath

"My life with you is over." I announced coldly, "I am going back home alone and that's final."

Suraj's arms enclosed me in tight possession. "I would never let you go." His eyes seemed to bulge out.

He seemed to be looking past me.

There was a surprising note of pleading in his voice. Careful not to jostle the bed, he stretched out beside me, cocking a reflective eye at the ceiling. Then turning his head, he gave me a sidelong glance.

An awful, tense silence was broken by his voice, "I think you are right. All this shit -- I don't deserve you --I lied to you and your family about m-m-many things — things you have no clue about."

A shadow of alarm touched my face. 'Good God,' I thought, taking a deep breath and holding it for a moment. "What! What are you talking about?" I asked in dazed exasperation.

"But," his voice slurred again. "It was not for money. I just wanted to get you." he blurted. There was a watchful fixity on his face.

"LIAR!" I screamed giving him a venomous glare, my hands flying to my hair as I pulled it in crazy frustration.

His eyes danced back and forth in obvious thoughts. He opened his mouth to speak and closed it again. A low feral growl emanated from his throat, as though he was trying to verbalize a thought.

I asked him curtly, "Seems like you have something more to say. Spit it out today, Suraj."

He took in a deep breath and sighed. Leaning forward slightly, he blew a breath out of his mouth and took another deep breath. He cleared his throat. It was clear that speaking was a battling effort.

I tilted my head at a questioning angle.

His face had the dark, conflicted ambivalent look of a snake in a suspended moment — the second in which it's between the decision to strike or slither away. Finally, he licked his lips, blinked several times, and whispered unsteadily, "I . . . I . . . I need you to understand s-s-something. Only—I don't want you to misunderstand what I'm going to say." His speech was uncoordinated and he spoke very slowly.

"You were right-" He cleared his throat, and seemed to gather strength. "I lied to you about the job. . . I-I-I d-d-d-don't have a job. I...I don't know what to do...I can't join the ship. My license has expired and I don't have money to renew my-my license which c-c-costs a-around sixty-thousand Rupees." He paused.

My face creased in a bewildered frown. I narrowed my eyes.

"Y-y-you were after my life to go to the ship. S-s-so I made up this story... I am sorry... I had n-n-no other option," he added hastily.

"Well?" he asked, trailing off, pausing for a moment before turning to me somberly.

"Well what?" I asked, my brain crashing in befuddlement.

Cold, dreaded shock seized every nerve. My eyes grew very wide and my face very pale at his deceitful actions. I shook my head in disbelief and interrupted him.

"You are un-un-unemployed!!" I hissed, the spittle of spit flying everywhere. S-s-since when?? H-h-how could you drag me in this situation?" My hand involuntarily flew up to cover my mouth and I squelched a moment's trepidation. I sucked in a sharp breath, horrified.

"Oh my God?" I said, half-whispering.

"WH-what can I say?" He sighed lugubriously. "And --- and the house?" I continued questioning, trying to control my composure.

He lowered his head in guilt. "It's on rent for 3 months." He mellowed softly and his voice was roughed and laced with misery. "We had so-s-s-sold this house to Reliance long ago. It is used as their g-g-guest house for employees. But since we were getting m-m-married, I had to rent this place; else your f-f-father would have declined." He sighed painfully.

"Seriously Suraj!" I exclaimed, casting a malevolent scorn.

He bowed his head, holding it in both his hands and murmured "It never happened to me before. I was obsessed - crazy for you, the m-m-m-moment I saw you. I had to get you as my p-p-possession. So I...." His mouth tightened.

"So you manipulated your credentials before me!" I interjected. "You lied that your salary was 80,000 and you had a permanent job on the ship!"

I drew in my breath, soaking in the information that was being shown to me.

'Oh no! I wanted to take Suraj by the collar and slap him.'

"Suraj! I defied my parents for you and broke their hearts by following my own. I drained their wallets and destroyed their dreams..."

There was a pregnant silence.

"My father was right," I stated tearfully. "I thought I knew enough, but I was wrong." I looked on in cold contempt. Clearly, he was a liar and I had been taken in. My romance-clouded judgment couldn't see through his devious scheme, and I became a fly in the spider's web. He had baited me with his charms and I fell for the trap. But now it was too late, he was already a big part of my life . . . 'what could I do?'

Whew! I covered my mouth with my hand, shocked at all the lies he had been weaving. He deceived me with counterfeited love.

"How . . . how disgusting!!" My mind was filled with madness. My breath came out in ragged gasps.

"Th-that's it." he ended abruptly, glancing in my direction briefly, careful not to make eye contact.

"That's it?" I asked gesticulating expansively, my voice rife with exasperation.

He continued with an air of desperation. "Zoe, l-l-listen to me...Perhaps my w-w-way was wrong . . . I . . . I was w-w-wrong," he stammered. "But my love is true. I loved you so deeply that I did everything to get you."

"And now you're my wife. You bear my name." He clasped my hand and held it over his chest.

I tried to read the oddly unguarded but still illegible emotions streaming from his eyes.

"You love me?" I lashed out shoving him away. "That's why you—you," I couldn't get the words out, "treat me like a stray dog? You rape me, hit me and strangle me?" I spat the words contemptuously.

He stared at me, his eyes begging for an emotional response.

Silently, he scrambled off me and stood up. "I . . . know," he stuttered, not knowing what to say as he stared at the devastation he had just created, "but I trust you to forgive me," he returned imperturbably.

He looked reproachfully at me.

"Forgive You!" I screamed, giving him a sidelong glance of utter disbelief. "You have to be kidding." I paused for a moment, furrowing my brows before summarizing.

"What you did, doesn't merit forgiveness, Mr Suraj." The sharpness in my voice cut through the air. My tart comment was greeted by a deathly silence, shattered only by the sounds of my labored breaths.

My thoughts were jagged and painful. "You cheat very well." I hissed through gritted teeth. "No wonder you could fool my family." I flailed furiously.

A deep tinge of melancholy passed over my features. I felt an unhealed wound in my soul bleeding deeply. My heart sunk into the lowest depths of mourning. I covered my face with my hand momentarily before dropping it and glanced wearily at him, "Suraj, go away. And never come back." "You have to let go the past." he urged.

"Do I?" I shook with a bitter jolt of laughter. "Really! Wow, thanks for the insight! Like it's that easy! You have no idea what shit you've put me into."

"Please . . . Just give me one more chance. Please! All I'm asking for is one more chance to show you that things can be different Zoe. I promise you, I will never treat you like that again." He looked at me for the briefest of moments, eyes hard with despair.

"Baby, please, talk to me."

There was silence. Only the monotonous ticking of a pendulum clock standing against one wall disturbed the quiet.

"Zoe, honey. S-say something, please!"

Taking a deep breath, I said, "Give me your phone. I want to talk to my father." I put every ounce of command into my voice. "No!! P-p-please don't tell him," he protested, reaching to take my hand in his. "H-h--he will not spare me."

"Please don't do that. He will take y-y-you away from me." He repeated his plea. "And I know what he will do to me when he finds out about this." As he pleaded, I felt my body grow still, my eyes staring sightlessly with a numb expression, blank as marble.

"You are sick. Just leave me alone.....get out of my life." I snapped, with an imposing seriousness.

"Don't leave me, Zoe," he pleaded, holding onto my arm. He looked like a frightened little boy.

My countenance darkened taking on the shadowy tones of a rain-laden sky. No amount of cajoling or coaxing from this man could get me to budge.

"You are wasting words. You will never get your way." I said with silky indifference as I fixed a cold gaze upon him as if to keep him at a distance.

"Get out! Get out!"

I sat in that abysmal darkness as he slept peacefully by my side. A snapshot of the past flashed back to me. I paused as pieces of revelation started to connect. Nothing I'd ever experienced could have prepared me for the incredible pain that radiated from my soul. I desperately wanted to howl against the agony of blasted hopes and shattered dreams.

I was awakened suddenly from a light sleep by his agitated voice. I squinted my eyes open and looked at the clock. It was quarter past four.

"What is it now? I growled.

He had the craziest look in his eyes. I curled my lips in disgust as I turned my back to the hard lines of his face, the meanness of his eyes. The look on his face was unnerving. It was like the lull before the storm.

"Turn here Zoe," he gestured, a mere hint of smile jaunting his lips. "I wish to speak to you."

"At this time!"

He nodded. "Tell m-me—" He leant forward and pressed his hands upon his eyes. For a long time, he spoke nothing.

"What kind of bomb was he going to drop?" I wondered.

He put his hand to his forehead again. "Zoe, I w-want to know-"

"What?" I urged. He inhaled, and blew his breath out in a groan, put his hand to his mouth, and then moistened his lips.

He rubbed his chin with his thumb momentarily, then tilted my head up to his, putting me at an angle in which I stared directly into his eyes. His lips thinned and a dark, sinister, evil smile passed into a cold stare of lion-like disdain.

Suddenly, a conviction hardened in him, and, as if in a single moment the deliberation was over. Everything about him screamed trouble. In his eyes, I saw only cool hatred as he asked framing my face between his hands, "What did y-you give him in return for spilling the beans?" His touch felt like knives on my skin.

I frowned, not truly grasping the totality of what he was saying.

I could see a cocky grin suppressed on his lips as he gave me a quick glance filled with the promise of revenge.

"I–" My lips twisted into a skeptical smirk.

It took me a while to process the information. "Wh -- what are you talking about?" I sat upright with a jerk. Then I gasped, barely containing a squeal as I stared up at the man.

"You mean...Mac!!" My jaw dropped open in astonishment.

"Mac." He nodded.

I wanted to claw out those eyes. Eyes that seemed like the vast, endless stretch of starless skies, where all hope seemed infinitely away. But I didn't. I simply stared at his reddening face steeling myself for what I was about to do.

"Answer." Suraj snapped, questioning me with his eyes.

I met his belligerent gaze and threw him back a paintstripping glare, rasping, "You psyco!"

"How c-could you?" I spat. "You are insane!"

I never imagined he could insinuate me like that! Agreed, he seemed to revel in saying provocative things, insanely maddeningly at times to prove his point. But this . . .! I covered my face and sobbed piteously.

Anger, fear, rage, shame. A thousand shades of emotion bore down on me at his words. I took a deep breath as I tried to take stock of the situation, but I couldn't clear my mind.

"Tell me!" he screeched. His words returned as a macabre wailing echo. We stared at each other for a moment, his intense wolf-like eyes burning into mine.

"You crossed your line, Zoe! You're going to regret cheating on me! You and the one you cheated with!" he yelled, his eyes aflame.

"Oooohhhhhh! God," I barely managed to say. "Shut up, shut up, you're pathetic," I cried.

"I'm not going to ask you again. Did you sleep with Mac? Yes or No?" I trembled as his voice dropped to a sinister whisper. "Has he been coming every day in my absence?" He asked without preamble.

"W-W-WHAT?" I shrieked, looking at him in disbelief, wondering what was coming next.

"No wonder you don't like my touch now." His eyes were fixed upon nothing, but had the angry predator stare; a deep line barred his forehead between his brows. "Where did you do it? On the couch? On the bed? Was he better than me?"

"No," I screamed, suddenly overwhelmed, "No! No! No!"

"Tell me," he demanded. The tone of his voice sent shivers down my spine. I sat transfixed and dumbstruck wading through the assassin's madness.

"I warned you that no man will enter this house. WHY did you let him in?" He exuded an animosity that was like acid– burning. "Obviously, you couldn't resist showing your seductive charms to my friend, hmmm."

A sharp fury exploded in my chest and I sucked in a sharp breath and felt a great urge to raise my hand and strike him hard on his face for this. He had literally no right to be angry that I spoke to another human, who just happened to have a penis!

"'Damn, damn, damn! I can't take this! I can't!" My body shook violently with anger and I gasped out with a raging breath, "How can you degrade your own wife like this?" I spat with vent, ignoring his dangerous unwavering features. "How . . . how dare you accuse me? He . . . he is your friend and he came to meet you." I staggered to catch my breath. "What do you think am I? How dare you . . . make up outrageous stories about my character, to conceal your lies? "

"Why didn't you inform me?" he demanded.

I swallowed hard, suddenly having a weird feeling that he would hit me.

"You are a whore. . . ! And I don't just think, I am convinced of it." A smug smile plastered his face.

"From tomorrow I will lock the door from outside when I go out. Then let me see how you entertain your lovers. Secondly, if you think I am unemployed, then you don't know me at all. I make more money than your father."

"First leave me father out of this. He does not go around lying to his family. Nor does he leave for a supposed work, but only travel's to his parent's house and spends a couple of hours there, sleeping! Nor does he enjoy the disgusting art of conning. And, by the way, if that's your opinion about my character, then why don't you let me go?" Anger simmered in my cheeks.

"I will never let you go and wherever you dare to go, I will always find you." He placed his hands on the either side of my head and leaned forward until his mouth was at my ear. "You will always be mine." "Never!" I shouted at him.

The slap was as loud as a clap and stung my face. "Always," he stated clearly and matter-of-factly.

A blend of challenge and devilment gleamed haughtily in his eyes, daring me to defy him.

A long stretched silence followed with just the audible ticks of a clock for company. While the room may have been quiet, my mind never was! It was buzzing at me and I could hear it screaming in my brain. Time seemed to stretch out like a rubber band.

Suraj was the first to break the eerie silence "Nothing further to say?" He questioned, turning towards me rolling his eyes, his lips twisting in a disgusted sneer.

"Forget it," I retorted, waving my hand in dismissal as if the conversation was over.

"You were --"

Before he had a chance to say anything more, I effectively cut him off. "You can never break me Suraj,"

"I want to and I will--" he mumbled in my ear as he swept the hair away from the nape of my neck and lazily buried his lips against the smooth skin there.

A flash of something danced before my eyes. "I won't let you."

It was dawn.

I had to leave. Before he woke up.

I tiptoed out of the room to the door. I focused intently to listen for any rustle or indication of movement. 'He'd be like a bull on rampage,' I thought, "if he gets his hands on me." I shook my head pensively with a shudder running down my spine. I clamped my mouth shut to control my teeth's nervous chattering.

Grabbing my bag with one hand, my purse with the other, I closed the door on my home. I stared at the closed door and took a deep breath, pausing for a moment. My heart began to race again with fear. Gathering as much as courage as I could carry, I made my way downstairs by the stairs. My heart began to pound a mile a minute. Cold beads of sweat ran in rivulets down my neck, making tremors rack my body.

'Breathe Zoe!' I told myself sternly

With a monumental effort, I wiped my face and tried to control my trembling. If only my legs would stop shaking. Heart pounding, I risked a look over my shoulder. No movement. A moment later I heard boot steps behind me. I froze.

The booted steps fell momentarily quiet, so I cocked my head, angling my ear to catch a sound behind me. The muscles of my chin trembled like a small child as I whirled around, my eyes wide with fear and apprehension expecting to see the dragon himself.

No one!

'Damn you, Suraj.'

'Come on Zoe, you've got to relax,' I told myself.

I jumped into a cab and wiped the glistening beads of sweat on my forehead with a shaking hand. Closing my eyes, I took deep breaths to pacify my quivering heart. Waves of relief rippled down my spine. I slumped on the seat.

"Watch out!" I suddenly heard a scream—it had to be my own—before the cab driver stamped on his brakes to come to a screeching stop, inches away from another car's rear.

I could sense him -- so close, yet far enough away for me to get out before he arrived. I knew he had arrived... I bit my quivering lip to silence myself as I closed my watery eyes.

The door flew open and I grabbed my bag and jolted out as though my car was on fire. I felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest!! I wrapped my arms around my body, trying to still the shivering. My breath came in ragged gulps. As I breathed through my mouth, I scanned the street. 'Where could I hide?' I hid behind a parked car as I fought for my next breath.

'What in the hell was he doing here?' I whispered to myself. 'Where the heck was he?' I peered towards the devil.

'Ah, there he was!' He looked around, scrutinizing his surroundings with a contemplative look on his face. His focus rested in the direction where I was and I ducked back in fear. He looked like a ghostly figure, and the sight of him at an arm's length struck me with pain.

Shops and cafes had begun to open. The main street had begun filling up with cars and people. Amid this hustle and bustle of a normal working day, he scanned the crowds anxiously making sure to get a brief look at every woman.

Time was ticking, and the train was going to leave in an hour. I felt an overwhelming urge to urinate. Just as I was beginning to get restless while waiting on him, the devil darted one final look behind his shoulders and was gone.

Whew!

I had done the last hit and now I scrambled around desperately trying to find some taxi.

I looked at my watch and immediately my stomach sank. It was 7.55 am. The train was scheduled for departure at 8.20 am.

"Twenty-five more minutes!' I wasn't giving up, one way or another, I'd find some escape from this mess.

"Damn . . ." I murmured under my breath, I had no time to lose. Moments later, I checked again. I just couldn't keep the numbers in my head. I walked faster, then broke into a run, occasionally stopping to look back. My legs ached and so did my heart. My chest heaving, I clenched my bag and darted a backward glance again. I staggered into the street fearlessly, knowing that I was running for my life. By this point, I didn't care anymore.

Taxi!! I waved my hand at a taxi passing to signal to stop.

Damn!

All around me, horns honked and brakes screeched while I rushed in a headlong race down the stony path, narrowly skirting being run down. I glanced furtively as if to see if I was being followed. Suddenly something shadowy rose out of the dark and leaned precipitously towards me. I froze mid-step in shock. A wave of trepidation coursed through me as I turned about to face an unknown woman.

"Zoe!" She was smiling, a warm, languid smile.

"Uh...er..."

"You didn't recognize me? I am your mother-in-law's sister. I came for your wedding, remember!

"Oh! Yes . . . I'm sorry." I gasped.

"I did not recognize you for a moment, Aunty." I whispered with a quivering urgency.

The lady watched as I tried to compose myself. She tilted her head with an assessing gaze. "Where are you going in such hurry? Look at your face!"

"Well . . . yes, I –" My voice was breaking up and my words were almost inaudible.

"When did you come back from Delhi?"

"Delhi?"

"Yeah! Sheela Tayi told me you both had gone to Delhi to meet your parents."

"I – I had gone to your in-law's house to invite you both for dinner. You both seem to be on a never-ending honeymoon!" she teased.

I inhaled sharply while looking back as if I feared someone was overhearing our entire conversation.

"Aunty, I really don't know what information you have. I had neither gone on any honeymoon and neither to Delhi. I was very much here. Your sister lied to you and to everyone."

"Uhh . . ." she shook her head with bewilderment.

"Don't play games you cannot win." a cold familiar voice hissed in my ear.

My whole body froze. I drew in a breath and spun around. Eyes the colour of ice gave me a squinty stare. I could make out his tall, dark silhouette clearly against the light of the red morning glory of the sun.

The bastard had maneuvered onto me from behind. My eyes widened as I looked to meet his penetrating glance with my velvety eyes. It took a second to reorient myself.

"Zoe, my darling," Suraj said, grabbing hold of my wrist and slinging his arm roughly over my shoulders.

"Aunty! Don't listen to her. She is mentally sick and now she has fought with me and wants to go to her parents." His words attacked me like wasp stings. He tightened his grasp, clutching his fingers so tight on my wrist that they threatened to cut off circulation.

"He's lying!" I answered immediately, with a hint of defensiveness. I sniffed, "Aunty, please save me from this man....." I begged. 'Please, please, for God's sake!" Tears stung in my eyes.

"Suraj, what is she saying! What's going on?" Her eyes peered into mine with impatience.

I scrambled, trying to get away, but he was so inhumanly large that he dwarfed me. Tears formed in my eyes and my chin began to quiver. "Please, you have to help me, Aunty," I pleaded. "Lemme go! Please!" I sobbed. "It's over, let me go!"

"Not before I rip you out, bitch," the devil's voice hissed softly in my ear.

"Suraj, will you stop terrorizing the poor girl with your eyes." she admonished. "Leave her hand!" She commanded. "If there is an issue, sort it out at home, not on the streets like this. "Ummm..." She scrunched up her nose. "...shame, really"

"I think you are right, Aunty. Let me take her home and sort it out."

His eyes fixed on me as if he would devour me. His muscled arm flexed and eyes as indifferent as a predatory bird transfixed on me.

"Leave Me! I want to go home -- I hate you!" There was a tremor in my voice as I spoke. My teary eyes seeming to throw off sparks as I protested.

He stood as if pondering over his decision to hurl me into the fast-moving oncoming traffic. The thought unnerved me completely. A shiver made the hair on my arms stand up, scarcely venturing me to breathe.

'Oh my God,' I thought. "I am going to die. Oh my God, oh my God . . . please don't let this happen, please don't let this happen!'

I scratched maliciously at the ground with gnashing, angry strokes. I shook my head, "I-I have to... I have to leave." "If you can ever --" Suraj smirked in a slow, throbbing voice. Dragging me over into the car, he thrust me firmly inside. "Be still!" he commanded as I cringed. "If you scream again, I will strangle you!" I whimpered, like a small frightened animal. "Please let me –"

My protest was cut off when his hand covered my mouth. "Shut up." His lethal stare felt painful and piercing as if his glare was tearing my heart apart with a blinding teal light. He glared as though I was his prey, his possession.

"How dare you try to leave me?" Suraj hissed, the look in his eyes glittered with pure unadulterated evil.

Suddenly, my head started spinning. Sweat drenched my entire body. There was a horrible laughter coming from afar. None of this made sense to me. My brain was all tangled up, and I was having trouble making sense of what had happened since I had boarded a cab in the morning.

'Home, Sweet, Home.' I whispered to myself just before darkness overtook me.

On the way back, I felt as if I'd ricocheted away from a goal I'd been trying to reach - I'd almost reached - but an explosion had hurled me right back in the direction from which I'd come.

# Chapter 17

F

rom somewhere far away in the immense, cold darkness, I heard a vaguely familiar voice calling out my name. The voice was faint, but my name was definitely being called.

"Zoe -- Zoe...hellooo!" Someone had cupped my jaw in the palm of his hand. Someone had smoothed down my hair and pulled it back from my face -- the sound of feet was by my side — a hand pressed to mine.

'Oh! How I abhorred this touch.'

"Ho! ho!" he roared... 'you alive?' His voice sounded far away.

I tried to think – 'I had been travelling, but where?' I couldn't put the threads of reality together.

"Can you hear me?" he yelled in exasperation.

I tried to nod, but I couldn't move my neck. My shoulders hurt. I couldn't feel my arms. In a whirlwind of unspeakable agony, I opened my eyes groggily. Our eyes met, mine stone-cold and his vindictive. The air conditioner of our bedroom was on and I was wrapped in a thick blanket. The curtains were drawn and the room was dimly lit.

'How --? Why --?' I looked around incredulously. 'How did I get here?' I tried to sit up. I couldn't move. That was surely odd. I tried again. Then I realized that my wrists were tied together in front of me with a scarf -- not all that tightly, but tight enough. It hurt.

"My lovely wife! My Queen!! Are you okay, darling?" He quizzed with a cool remoteness.

I looked at him incredulously for a moment and mustering my best suave expression, looked back up at him, nodding my head affirmatively.

My head throbbed. My hands were stiff and cramped. Loud protesting growls emanated from my belly.

"You're beautiful Zoe -- just too beautiful to be true, and when I see in this disheveled shape, I swear my heartbeat stops." There was a rather demented gleam in his eye. He was mocking me. The arrogant man had the audacious temerity to laugh at my destruction. I felt a murderous desire for vengeance carve its way in my veins.

"How dare you?" My eyes glittered with icy anger. His booming laughter reverberated through my ears, through the air and through the room.

"You . . . you tied me?"

"No—not me," he protested with a sneer of contempt.

I tried to kick him with my legs through gritted teeth, my face a mixture of outrage and wariness. Rage flashed through his eyes. It stayed there for a moment and disappeared as fast as it had arrived.

"God damn it! Open my hands ----" I demanded.

Suraj leaned his glistening, muscular body toward me. "Zoe dear, did I hurt you?" His eyes narrowed into slits of meanness. I wished I could kick his ass. The atmosphere crackled with animosity.

"Get lost." I flared, as I gazed up at him with my tortured eyes.

'I won't stay here . . .'

'You will. You have to.'

'You can't force me.'

'That's my final word.'

'I've had enough of that saucy tongue of yours. Is that clear!'

The words fell from his lips with diabolic fury. I could see the muscle ticking in the side of his jaw.

His abruptness disconcerted me, and my lips tightened seeing his pulsating jaw. The pressure on my cheeks tightened infinitesimally, and his nostrils flared around a shuddering breath. I met his gaze unblinkingly as he walked out of the room.

My father's face appeared in my mind. Smiling at me. Talking to me. Pressing my head. I craved to cry on his shoulder and feel his arms around me offering comfort. "Oh, Papa..."

The roaring and rumbling of my stomach reminded me that I had not eaten anything since morning. I kept wriggling my wrists to loosen the knots. In desperation, I began tearing the scarf with my teeth. I stopped short, hearing faltering footsteps approaching.

The devil walked back into the room and stood, one shoulder leaning casually against the wall watching me with a fixed gaze and an unmoved heart. A haze of dark stubble shrouded his strong jaw and accentuated the dark circles under his eyes. He had a half-eaten sandwich in one hand and a can of juice in the other. I had not eaten a bite since last night. I kept my eyes resolutely turned from the sandwich. An atrociously hungry growl made itself loud and clear from my stomach at the smell of mayo. He ate the sandwich and threw his last breadcrumb towards me.

A cold dead stare crossed my face. I fought to remain cognizant.

The bed creaked as I struggled to get up. My steps swayed as I moved towards the fridge to grab some juice. My hands were still tied up. There was a look of intense desperation about my sunken eyes — of suffering and hunger that bowed.

"Hold it right there," echoed his voice, as I fumbled to open the fruit can.

"Keep it right back, girl," he commanded. My stomach growled again and tightened painfully. I'd lost my patience! I needed food! I needed it so badly my stomach was gnawing my insides!

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" I screamed.

"No!" I surged forward whilst Suraj took two quicker steps forward, looming ahead of my head.

He dragged me and fastened my hands to the bed frame behind me.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'll show you who the boss is. I've spent too much money and effort tracking you down. You should be thankful that I am forgiving you."

"Oh God," I cried, falling into an emotional devastation – my brain swimming in a sea of fire.

His cell phone rung and he grabbed it in the first ring.

"Hello." he growled.

"Oh Hello Papa... uh... uh..." The timing was pure serendipity

"Pa—" it was all I managed to say. The rest of the word was cut off as a vise-like grip clamped over my mouth silencing me with brutal effectiveness. All I could let out was a quiet squeal. I sounded like a yelping dog.

A muffled sound escaped my throat as I struggled against the powerful hand gripping my mouth. 'Not again, please not again,' my eyes seemed to communicate.

"Yes, we're back," Raj answered him in a calm, unhurried voice, and in his eyes, I saw only cool hatred.

"Hmm. The weather was awesome!"

"—Oh!" Suraj's eyes widened slightly in pretended astonishment. "I understand."

"She . . . umm . . ." he seemed to be searching his brain for a couple of believable excuses. "She's a delicate darling Papa!"

"Really!" He sounded incredulous, "She's taking advantage of my pampering. Hahaha!! She's so tired after the holiday, she's been sleeping like a baby."

He took a calming breath and added, "I do understand." He clasped tighter. I made a breathy sound, full of pain.

"Certainly Papa!" he said and a sarcastic grin spread at his lips. Then he laughed, if the almost demented sound that came from his mouth could be called laughter.

"I love your trust on me!" he said reassuringly, "I promise I'll have her call you right back."

For some seemingly endless moments, he listened hard with a speculative expression, his eyes narrowing swiftly as he registered my apprehensive face.

"You're right. I will concentrate on my task now."

I gasped for air and shivered like a leaf in the whirlwind as Suraj unclasped his hands from my mouth.

A scream echoed through the house. Faint and small and weak, but I recognized the person that it belonged to. I screamed for everything that had happened to me since my marriage. Everything that I had lost. I had given everything, undivided love, my innocence and youth to this man, the scream poured out of me the way my tears and sweat had a moment ago. I kept screaming, pushing everything that I had left, into that one echoing sound. All my pain. All my hurt and fear and rage and desperation and helplessness.

"Suraj," I screamed writhing in a sea of red rage "You are a bastard and it is my misfortune to meet you. I hate you, I just hate you."

"Open my hands -- damn it -- DO YOU HEAR ME!"

A loud, rambunctious growl from my abdomen made me whine.

"AAGGGHH," I cried, as my body ached from being stretched backwards. With a brief, feeble attempt I tried to wriggle out of the bindings on my wrists, but to no avail. The knots got tighter as I wriggled and tugged like a snake.

I wondered what time it was. 'How long would the creep keep me tied up?'

A heavy drowsiness came over me when suddenly a loud creak sounded. He lay beside me, with his head propelled high on the pillows. I glanced in his direction. I had been lost in my own world of conjecture. He was eerily quiet. After a long while, he looked down into my eyes rubbing his jaw against me.

"Beautiful!" he snuggled, his voice muffled against my neck. "Wh–wh-what are you d-d-doing?" My voice quavered with fright. Tears ran down my face, as I strained under the tight bindings, but he seemed like a man possessed with intent. I struggled to push him away.

His hand caressed my hair, his fingers entwining my curls.

"Zoe, you're drivin' me mad these days!" I detested his voice. His touch. "Get lost, you jerk!"

"Oh, Zoe!" Pulling me gently towards himself, he said in a whisper; "Today I will make my fantasy come to life."

Shock waves spread from my head down to the soles of my feet. 'What the hell was this madman talking about?'

"I like obedient women. I always dreamt about D & S..." Those eyes stared at me with implacable desire and demand. My eyes grew wide as I looked at him quizzically.

"Domination and Submission."

"W-w-wh-what?" I stuttered

"Bondage submission."

As his words echoed in my head, I began breathing heavily.

"You don't mean sla. . .?! You can't be serious!" My question was answered as he brushed back the thick waves from my face, and started to explore every contour of my mouth.

"You pervert!" I lifted my head up and let out a disgusted hiss. "S-Stop, Stop!" I screamed, "Stop!!" shaking my head violently as if trying to awaken myself from a bad dream.

"Oh, you're trying to escape? That's so enticing."

"You arouse me all the more, as you breathe fire and defiance," he breathed heavily. "I find myself --"

"P-Please! Don't!" It was a heartrending cry, half a scream and half an anguish

"Oh my. . . This is going to be so much fun. . ."

I could feel his breath on my chin; my silky strands entwined in his fingers. "Kiss me back Zoe," he growled against my lips. I shook my head and struggled in my bondage. "Kiss me back goddammit!"

I was determined not to succumb to this maniac without saying or doing something . . . anything. I had to find a way to defend myself.

The intensity of his eyes grew callous. One glance into his intoxicated eyes told me the way to escape.

I arched my body towards him and gave him my best comehither smile. "Yes!" I gasped softly, with my eyes shut tight like a fraidy cat, as my lips grazed his mouth in a tender kiss. I leaned forward and my dark hair curtained my face and shoulders. I angled and responded to his desperate kiss, for on my seeming acquiescence depended my salvation.

"Suraj -" I whispered with a deceptive softness of voice, my mouth just inches from his. With the most treacherous, lascivious tenderness, I kissed his cheek. I moved up my cheek to his ear and whispered, "Are you not going to untie my hand's sweetheart?"

"Ungh," he moaned as I started nuzzling his neck, tonguing his skin there. No one, looking at the mesmerizing expression on my face, would have guessed that the brilliant sparkle in my eyes was due to a blind, all-consuming rage.

"Suraj, please." I implored, sealing the words with a lingering kiss.

"Please what, my love?" A throaty groan escaped his lips and I could feel his control falter at my seductive moves.

I had to try baiting him one more time.

"I want to feel your body!" I whispered to him with provocative words that echoed the passion.

A gasping sound, that was half a groan, half a sigh of rapture, escaped from the lips of the man. He was tempted! God, he was tempted!

"Free me, I'll do anything...' I smiled at him, a seductive smile that nevertheless did not reach my eyes.

"Anything?" he questioned, as he opened my clasps. Too late for Suraj to realise the trap he had fallen into!

"Anything." my voice was fiendishly soft.

"I'm bloody addicted to you," he said, whispering the words against my ear. I eyed him warily and tilted my head slowly on one side, subjecting him to a lazily insolent and sexual licentiousness. With provocative deliberation, I ran my tongue along the fullness of his chin.

Before he had time to think, even to suspect what I might have in mind, my warm lips drifted over his neck. His eyes closed and a soft, involuntary murmur of delight escaped his lips.

I looked down at him and my lips curved up into a wistful smile. Then after a long stretched moment I said, "KISS ME!" The words leaked from my lips in a deflating whisper.

I felt him draw in his breath at the slight spark that jumped between our skins.

Judged to the precise second when his defense weakened, I kicked. The aim for his groin caught his knee instead and he yelped and jerked back involuntarily. Pushing him square in his chest with both of my hands, I shrieked, "Get Lost – you maniac." I thought I heard some ribs cracking, as the man gasped in pain.

He was caught completely off-guard in his most vulnerable moment. There was no warning, no countdown, just instant ignition, blasting him with a sickening thud on the hard floor. His neck twisted at a gruesome angle. Our eyes locked. The fire in his eyes and the shocked look on his face were striking. I lifted my head proudly, turned toward him and spat in his face.

"Don't ever take over my body again without asking!" I looked at him with disdain.

"I win this round of game!"

Suraj could feel a gnawing pain on his back beginning to emanate.

"Zoe!" he hissed. Raising a hand, he probed delicately at a knot on the back of his head and rolled over onto his back. He winced tried to get up, but the excruciating pain in his leg simply wouldn't allow it. He just lay on the ground, stunned and unsure of what to do.

"Zoe, give me your hand, you witch," he screamed, "Give me your hand, you --" Then I smiled bigger.

Before he could complete, I pulled open the fridge, grabbed the can of orange juice and barricaded myself in the washroom.

Splashing cold water, I took several big gulps of the juice. Sitting on the toilet seat, I ransacked the emergency storage in the closet, gobbling dry fruits greedily. I drew in one more deep breath and slowly let it out. With a long, quavering sigh, I drew another breath.

I peered into the mirror at my own reflection as I brushed. My eyes widened at my unruly appearance and resembled someone who was tired and defeated. My face was a mottled mess. Like a seam on a football, a scar ran across my cheek. Dark circles cupped my eyes. Cheeks flaming with shame and sadness, I shifted backwards to sit on the toilet seat for some time.

Sitting on the cold tiled floor, I sat under the shower letting the water work its magic on my aching joints and muscles. My face crumpled as I glanced at my wrists and my eyes rested on the dark mark where my hands had been tied. 'Oh my God,' I murmured, as I rubbed my thumb gently over the marks.

Putting on warm clothes, I applied some ointment over my bruises and ate a pain killer. I mopped the wet floor, brought out the sleeping bag, a pillow, and a blanket from the closet.

I slept and slept like I hadn't slept in years.

In my faraway dreamland, terrible flashbacks engulfed me. And recurring nightmares beckoned. I was in his house and he was holding me hostage and beating me — yet just beyond my front door was my family and a beautiful life. I remained trapped in the horror of knowing that freedom was so close and yet so far. Unattainable, maybe.

It was a headache that woke me first. Then it was the thud of a fist hitting the door that brought me out of half-wakefulness and made me sit up and see what was happening. I lay motionless surrounded by a vast black darkness, staring at the bathroom door.

"Come out right now!" a voice growled.

'Where am I?' I wondered.

Then a memory — fragments of a memory — came back to me. With supreme effort, I shook off the distasteful remnants of the dream

I could see some light coming from underneath the door. 'Could I have slept that long?' By the rumblings in my belly, I must have.

Thump... thump... thump. There was a loud noise of knuckles pounding at the door again.

"JUST SHUT UP!" I screamed at him at the top of my lungs, almost tearing out my vocal cords. Although I'd never been a yeller, it felt so good to shout at him. Suraj fell silent.

I perched myself on the toilet seat pondering over the riddles of my life until well after midnight. Gloomy thoughts flitted across my cheerful spirit like dark bats. 'Why had fate played such cruel games with me?' I found myself asking. I cursed the heaven for denying me even the smallest happiness in marriage! I cursed God for extinguishing every trace of joy which had embellished since my childhood. How I damned all the Gods...!! All I had wanted from life was love. 'Was it too much in asking?'

I felt as if I'd fallen into a deep empty well, with no way of getting out, and no one knew that I was down there. From where I was in the well, I could see light. But it was far away, and as I screamed for help, I heard only an echo. I was on my own; shaken, alone and sad, and I did not know what to do.

# Chapter 18

A

fter a few hours, I walked out of the bathroom and closed the door quietly behind me.

"Good morning, my doll!" He laughed—a harsh, grating sound I'd never heard before. A looked followed that slashed me from head to toe -- with significant focus on my changed pair of clothes. A perfunctory smile teased the corners of his lips. "Plotting Bitch." he said between clenched teeth.

Suddenly, as if awakened from a trance, he ruffled his hair a bit, drew his eyebrows together and ran his hands over his face. He was breathing hard, those grizzly eyes gleaming with devilment.

"Listen to this, when I was a little boy, I used to play with dolls. I loved to name them and comb their hair. I wouldn't let any friend play with them."

Beads of sweat dripped down my forehead.

He trailed off with both his voice and his eyes, as if a bleak distant memory had reckoned to him. His eyes flickered like the eyes of a lizard. "I enjoyed breaking my toys into pieces. I loved to dismember the neck, the arms, and the limbs from their body."

He stared as if he was in a trance. And looking into his eyes, I was scared.

"What! What are you talking about?" My eyes widened in disbelief. My eyes moved as if scanning an inner catalogue. "Yup?" he whispered with a malicious smirk

"How very odd," I thought, "he rejected swords for dolls." He paused, eyeing me for a moment before a usual cocky grin filled his features.

"I am not interested in hearing your crap," I mumbled with a grim expression, as I tried to focus on something other than the lazy smile that graced his face. He assumed a combative stance and plastered a confident grin on his face.

"...and the most interesting part...," he murmured before grinning disturbingly, "after playing — do you know what I used to do?" I used to twist the doll's head until it came off in my hand. I used to hack the doll apart, reducing each part of its body to bits."

But now his black, glinting eyes burned with laser-sharp focus as he talked, as if, this time, he could see it all very clearly.

I looked outraged with the most startled expression. "That was quite a horrible thing to do. And why --why would you do that?"

Arms crossed, his eyes stared at some formidable, unknown heavenly infinity he alone could see.

"The head rolled that way. The leg tumbled that way. I used to get a kick seeing the dismembered limbs, torsos and faces of deformed parts." He replied matter-of-factly, grinning up at me as maliciously as a tomcat.

I digested this in silence, dumbstruck, letting the shock of reaction die away. Wrinkles radiated out from the disapproving line of my mouth.

Noticing my bewildered expression, he added, "I used to collect them as keepsakes in a basket."

He had a mocking glint in his eye, and that damn cocky grin was still intact. A contented sigh wreathed his face and his eyes twinkled with a hard gleam. He gave me a triumphant smile, as if I'd done something that pleased him enormously.

A disgusted look crossed his face. "Man-oh-man . . . That's monstrous." I whispered.

'There is a name for this—sadism,' I told myself, as I slowly released a shaky exhale. 'Whew!' The very thought caused me to shudder.

"Uugh! That's nauseating. Are you kidding me?" I asked, my imagination working with feverish haste.

I wondered what pleasure he got out of that.

I watched him in a feral stare making sure he understood the seriousness behind my words. "So . . . this is you?"

He sat still, drumming his fingers softly on his thighs in some random Morse code, "Yes. This is me." His eyes did not break my stare.

"That," I whispered, "is profoundly creepy." I felt unsullied hatred for this crazy man.

Just then, a coughing fit started, as a tickle at the back of my throat, prompting Suraj to rush to my aid.

"Easy, Barbie, easy...," said Suraj, as he sat me upright and patted my back to get me through the discomfort. I desperately inhaled gulps of oxygen in the room.

I raked my hair back with my fingers feeling a vague and sinister unease. Something nagged at the back of my mind, and the fact that I could not put my finger on it made it worse. My heart was pounding crazily against its cell of ribs.

"Zoe, are you OK?" He asked putting both arms around me, but the look on his face was devoid of emotion.

"Don't touch me."

I turned --

Only to find Suraj staring right at me. My stomach dropped as I felt the warmth of his fingers entwining into mine and they rested together, not moving. Before I could disentangle myself from him, he was gripping my hand so hard I thought he'd crush my fingers. Terror struck me as I struggled in his grip.

"Suraj! You're hurting me."

Eyes never leaving me, he continued "My Barbie!" There was an amused contempt on his face. "I love dolls. Especially when they come to life!"

There was something so odd about his tone that I looked at him in surprise. He looked as if time was now flying backwards inside him, back to some other part of himself.

The frown still lingered.

My brain screamed in silence and I began to tremble. A thousand incoherent thoughts shot through my mind, and I could not catch a single one to mould into a word.

Suddenly I nailed it.

"Doll!" – The single word that had been reverberating in my brain for a long time; it was going to happen now.

He held my hand up in front of his face, looked at my knuckles and looked at me between his fingers.

Suddenly I found my tongue, "Whatever you're doing, stop it." I pleaded letting out a mortified groan.

'Was he out of his mind,' I wondered.

"Just be calm, doll."

"That's a joke, right!" I gasped edging backwards. "You're joking?" He shook his head.

"Release me, you brute," I hissed, squirming to free myself. My scream died in its first second, as his hold tightened fractionally.

"Oh, my God," I exclaimed, whilst my eyes filled with tears, "what's on your mind, you jerk! I am not a toy. I am REAL!"

"Sssstop! . . . Ouch! You're hurting me!" My face was crimson with fresh waves of crippling pain.

Goosebumps sprouted out over my skin as I screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed at the top of my lungs. As I glanced helplessly, his eyes locked me, a wild strange look in them. "At the count of 10, my doll will have no fingers," he whispered, "1... 2... 3... 4."

"P – p – please... spare me... 5... 6." My fingers curled in his iron grip. I cried against the assault. My wrists hurt. It hurt terribly.

"Please! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease!" My voice was thin, edged with hysteria. Fear and terror tore at me.

"Suraj, I am your wife-Pl-pl-pl-please spare me!"

I ceased to breathe, "Please don't use any violence; I beg you!"

"7... 8..." And on the ninth berry, he burst out into a peal of laughter.

"NOOOO . . . Did I scare you baby? Did the picture of a doll with no fingers invade your mind!! Hahaha... "

"It was a joke! I know—I know it was a bad one." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! A raucous laughter echoed.

My eyes smoldered deep in their sockets like two burning coals. "A Joke!!!" I cried indignantly as my bottom lip trembled.

"Your sense of humor is dark and horrible." A silence -- tense and breathless, followed his words. Horror rocked me as I slumped in the chair. He chuckled aloud at my tart words giving me a mocking bow.

"Sorry, Princess! I should have told you more gently. I'm sorry I've upset you." Suraj laughed, shaking his head at me in a sadistic, diabolic sneer. "You don't feel faint, do you? Can I get you a glass of water?"

"SHUT UP!!" I screamed. My voice got even shriller.

"You are a... a... an ABUSER!! I will not forget anything, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE!!! I'll . . . I have never been so hurt; your words eat at me like acid, your actions leave scars!" My emotions burst into fits of rage.

He held my gaze as he came forward and bent down so that his face was inches from mine. I stared at him, with a steely gaze and saw his next intent plainly.

I whispered sardonically, "I'm going to teach you a lesson, you scoundrel." He frowned at that, his ferocious black brows colliding over the bridge of his nose.

Gritting my teeth I leaned forward and plunged at his neck, digging my teeth deep into his skin with all the force that I could muster. Suraj was momentarily stunned, his face taking on a slack-jawed expression. I felt a thrill of satisfaction as I watched his eyes widen, first in surprise and then in pain. He shut his mouth and quieted his whine like a raging animal.

Moments later, he stormed out of the house leaving me alone with my thoughts. He locked the door from outside. I realized I was a prisoner, under lock and key.

I searched frantically for some shred of hope to fight against this mighty flood, which had again swept me towards the man from whom I longed to flee. I could not go home, I could not stay here. I felt like a defenseless prisoner who could not break his chains!

My marriage had signalled its failure. I could see it all -- the relationship sinking, the drab of marital disillusionment.

Love is blind, the saying goes, and I was blinded by fear.

Painful thoughts ran through my mind as I lay in that primitive mental state. Nearly crumbling on the edge of sanity — I felt like nothing made sense in the predicament that I was in now. I struggled to sort the lethal mix of thoughts crowding my brain into some kind of order - shock, sadness, grief, confusion, hatred, fear. I felt nothing but undiluted hatred for the man, heard nothing but his words, and saw nothing but a blank dark world . . . As if nothing was there!

I lay back down on the pillows and stared at the ceiling.

What would happen next? Was there any hope of freedom? What lay ahead continued to weigh heavy on my head. As my reflections continued, the gravity of my loss grew heavier.

Underneath in the hidden mind continuum, I started wilting. Just like a forgotten rose. My head fragmented upon the long stalk of my neck. Tears fell like sad petals. My face withered like a flower that had lost its roots from the earth. All hope had evaporated from my life. His phone would be sitting on the nightstand next me, but he kept his password closely guarded. I could not contact anyone for help. 'How much sadder could life be?'

I was at the crossroads of my life by the man who had sworn to protect and hold me. An agonizing pain came my way like a wave, but I slammed the door on it like a submarine hatch. I decided to give myself a rough shake.

"I've got to snap out of this." I mumbled. "This isn't a movie where good does not imminently prevail over evil."

I got up with a jerk after a while, and realized that I'd fallen asleep. I didn't know if it was for minutes or for hours. Beads of sweat had dampened my forehead and neck. My mouth and throat had gone dry and I thought I might vomit. My whole body ached. My feet. My head. My heart. I couldn't get comfortable, no matter what.

Miserable, I was ready to stay right where I was until my discomfort passed. But lying in bed, staring at the ceiling wasn't helping. I rose slowly and began to massage my neck to release some of the tension and became immediately overwhelmed with an emotional exhaustion too intense for words. Suddenly my eyes became bloodshot, as I fell into darkness.

The fog over my eyes began to lift and I felt warm hands around me. In a near-dazed state, I found myself staring into a pair of eyes hard as iron.

"Suraj! Get away from me, you —" More pain.

I rubbed my eyes and closed them again. Keeping them open was such a strain. I heard distant voices in my head but couldn't match it to any faces.

I was vaguely aware of a doctor wrapping a cuff around my arm. I could hear him say something about my blood pressure being out of balance.

"Is she fine?" a familiar voice from overhead asked.

"Her pressure is very high. I'm giving her an injection to bring the pressure down."

"Please bring her for a pregnancy test tomorrow." I heard the doctor say.

"Pregnancy?" he repeated, incredulous.

The words lodged in my brain for a moment or two and they were gone; out of reach and I faded into oblivion once more.

I awoke with a start, feeling drops of water on my face, drifting me out of my reverie, to the present. I tried to vaguely remember details of the broken conversation that had made its sound to me. Words replayed in my mind.

"You scared me for a minute." He clenched his jaw. "Are you alright?" he asked.

"I -- I'm pregnant?" I quizzed, with a concerned look on my face. I drew in a trembling breath and slowly let it out before I started to hyperventilate.

He nodded. "Congratulations! You're pregnant --"

"Where's the Daddy?" he chuckled

I jerked upright, feeling a great urge to raise my hand and strike him hard on his face "What did you say?"

His gaze didn't leave me and I realized he was waiting for an answer. My mouth opened and closed a couple of times before I narrowed my eyes at him. I took a deep breath before continuing.

"He's around." I said my lips primly pursed.

My eyes connected with the hardness of his stare. He said nothing. No angry words. No cursing. No emotion. Nothing. But I could read the bitterness that flared in his eyes. Judging me. Scorning me.

He shook his head in disbelief. I froze as he grabbed my shoulders. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did not—"

"You deceived me!" he shouted wrathfully. "How could you be so irresponsible?" He held his stare with a fierce look, like miniature headlights.

"ME? You had your part in this too!" I retaliated squirming in his grasp.

"Well...*YOU* should have thought of protection!" his voice boomed. "You did this on purpose!" he yelled. "It's *your* fault! Now all my plans are RUINED!" I jerked away from him, lowering my eyes at his horrified stares.

I spoke back. "I don't care!"

"Now you've gone too far, you witch. You blackmailer. You think you can deceive me into fatherhood?? You're nothing, but a no-good cheating bitch!" His eyes flashed fire.

I looked at him as he neared me, his finger pointing at me like a scolding mother. His face was tight and his dark eyes were fiery, full of hatred. "Trust me, you're going to regret this," he said in a more threatening manner. I didn't know what I was supposed to regret.

"Please calm down. Please. You're scaring me. At least let's wait till a confirmation."

He seemed pensive for a moment. He watched a tear trickle down my cheek and caught it with his thumb. Suddenly, there was no hint of that man.

"Hey, what's wrong?'

"It's nothing." I said with a grunt, turning my face.

"It's okay. I will work this out." He urged in a quiet voice.

He drew me into his arms and gave a warm hug. "Don't be scared."

"But you just said—"

"Shhh. I just want to kiss you for a little while," he said, as he leaned down to kiss me. The kiss was soft and fleeting. He stroked my waist-length brown hair with his fingers as he sat on the bed watching me with a loving gaze.

"Zoe," he uttered softly, barely above a whisper and I felt the sound of my name vibrate within me.

". . . Isn't this what you always wanted?"

"A baby. . ."

His hands drifted to my abdomen.

The thought of bearing a child awakened such joy that my struggling lungs filled to capacity. I choked on a sob, and my arms came up around him, pulling him to me so tightly it almost hurt him. He returned the embrace gently, rubbing my back in small circles. I melted into him for a few seconds and then I stiffened, pulled away quickly, looking into his eyes, the same frightened expression on my face.

I thought I saw tears in his eyes. But I didn't know why those tears were there.

"Are you crying?" I asked, "Why?"

He took my hand, felt my pulse. Then he kissed the hand. He simply smiled, "I'm just --" another taut silence ensued. He turned his face and kissed my cheek, lingering there. "It's okay," he mumbled softly into my hair. "It's okay. We'll work with this."

"Trust me."

I knew it would probably take a long time for me to trust him, but was I prepared to wait? For as long as it took? Did I have any option now? I had thought I would not see him again, but now –

I had strengthened my determination to go, but I'd again have to begin building a bridge, across the chasm of unspoken hurt and broken promises that lay between us. Escaping from him at any time was an uphill task, but it now became "a lot messier" with the baby in the mix.

Clearing his throat, Suraj enunciated, "You won't retreat from me now. I won't allow this," he said with a smile as he stroked my head. How I loved that! It reminded me of my father's touch -- soft and comforting.

I turned my face to the sun, enjoying its warmth, allowing its rays to caress my face and invigorate my senses.

Suddenly, a shadow eclipsed the sunlight.

*****

Amid all the pandemonium that had descended in my life post-marriage, the pregnancy news seemed like a tiny and remote island of peace.

A baby! I was going to have a baby!

I could barely contain the delirious delight. It was as if my body already understood the metamorphosis which was about to take place. The conception had infused me with a fresh lease of life. Not the idyllic life I'd hoped to share with Suraj, but something was better than the hopelessness that had overtaken me.

I gently patted my tummy. The idea of a baby had become a lifeline to my sanity.

A baby -- I had always dreamed of conceiving. I had longed for this moment for so long, and now that it was here, I could hardly bring myself to believe it. I so badly needed something...someone...to give meaning to my life. Someone to love unconditionally; who would love me back the same way. Conceiving the baby had done that.

My heart immediately made room for the baby in my life. I would sit in the stillness and wait for a sign from the baby like I was waiting to hear the voice of God. I would gaze into the distance and thoughts would coax my grin bigger and bigger. While I gazed, I would dream; of the child . . . tiny hands, precious rounded knees, a dear little nose.

The days and weeks that followed were like a dream. I even dared to feel optimistic about Suraj. I felt that my pregnancy would perhaps save the crumbling marriage.

By the end of summer, I was completely in love with the baby. The more I thought, the more I saw this child... smiling, laughing and kicking a ball. What a beautiful vision! I started to imagine life as it would be once the baby would step in.

At times, my excitement fumed to anxiety when I felt that the baby was not being welcomed with such enthusiasm by the father. He did not feel as thrilled. I gazed at him in unconcealed consternation. 'He wanted a child, didn't he?'

He had lately been a hot tea kettle waiting to explode at every possible outlet. I figured he must have been feeling the same stress I was going through. 'Being a great Papa doesn't come naturally to everyone,' I rationalized. But his lack of support and intimidating emotional distance began to make an impact.

"Here we go again", he slapped a hand on his knee in frustration." You can never be happy with things, the way they are, can you!"

"But -- all I asked you was if you were happy about the pregnancy!"

"What the hell does it matter what's with me?" His voice was flat and cold.

"Look Zoe --" His mouth was set in a grim line, "If we have a baby --"

I immediately corrected him and said, "When we have this baby." A part of me wanted to smack him for considering the baby still an IF!

"Yeah – whatever," he spat, curtly. I interpreted to myself that he perhaps was in denial. Maybe it was taking time to sink in for him... maybe that's why to him, the baby still was an IF. To me it was very much a "when!"

And so started weeks of the two of us trying to come to grips with how the other one felt. It was a very painful time, full of excitement on my part, and irritation on his. I suffered from extreme morning sickness which was a complete shock for me, as I had never felt anything like it before.

The morning sun rose across the Earth's horizon as it began its ascent on the clear sky. The day begun like hundreds of others. Flocks of clamorous birds chattered in the sweet rays of the sun. He laid his hand on my belly.

"There's a baby in you," he beamed, with a grin on his face and sighed silently, "A baby. Our baby,"

"How quickly things can change." he mused with a breathtakingly tender voice.

My eyes crinkled as I smiled widely, a happy little woman with not a cloud in my sky. Sunlight beamed its way through our bedroom window, casting a white glow across my arm, as I pulled his hand from my belly and intertwined our fingers. I closed my eyes and wrapped in his reverie. My life had graduated to a new level of paradise.

My excitement was hard to contain. Today was the day when the first ultrasound scan of the baby was scheduled. My heart raced in anticipation of actually seeing my baby for the first time.

A few hours later, the doctor squeezed a little jelly on my abdomen. Any minute now, we would see our baby. Seeing the fuzzy black-and-white miracle on screen prompted tears of joy on my face. The instrument slowly moved around my stomach. When the heartbeat played, with the mesmerizing boom-boom music in the background, I jumped up. I opened my mouth, shut it and opened it again. My heart started beating faster, hearing a life — boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Aha moment!

"Awww." I cooed while sticking my bottom lip out. No words —utter awe —

My face reflected a look of pure joy and my eyes sparkled like crude diamonds. I clutched Suraj's shirt darting a look at him. He was gazing at the screen with a watchful look, eyebrows up, his face transfixed.

"Our baby. Inside me..." I whispered.

"It's very healthy," said the radiologist. "Everything seems alright."

I beamed.

"Oh my goodness!" I mewed, laughing and crying at the same time.

"Our baby is oh, so sweet, isn't he? Oh, look at him! I pointed to the screen, "He moved! He's adorable!" I let out an unfettered squeal.

"Suraj! Do you hear the heartbeat? He's telling me, I'm on the way Mommy, get ready!" I purred.

"Hi Baby" I waved out in exhilaration. A wave of pure joy suffused my soul.

"You know what..." My face had taken on a dreamy glow; a faraway look glazed my eyes. "It just felt like — I let the words hang in the air.

"I can understand," he spoke with a politely restrained smile, putting his arm around me, as I walked out of the room clutching the report close to my bosom.

"Suraj," I raised my eyes to look at him. "Aren't you happy?" The indifferent placidity of his look troubled me.

I did not wait for him to arrive at his answer, instead I gazed adoringly at the pictures of babies in the maternity ward.

'Oh, joy!!!' I was in a little bubble for the day.

I awoke to the silhouette of a nurse checking my blood pressure. "Sorry didn't mean to wake you, ma'am."

"That's okay," I replied groggily, fear creeping up my spine like an army of spiders. I had come to the hospital for an ultrasound. 'After that?'

I followed the nurse with my eyes as she walked around to the other side of the bed. Suraj was sitting in a chair. He was strangely remote. I panicked. I drew myself upright, ran straight to him and asked, "Where am I?" I clung to him, gripping his shirt with my fists and burying my face in his chest. "Why am I here?" I gulped shivering uncontrollably, "...this green gown... just tell me what happened?" My voice was husky and trembling.

Suraj's face was numb, almost unreadable. "Relax! you are fine. There is nothing to fear. Just some normal tests..." he assured.

His tone was brusque and devoid of any emotion, but the fire in his eyes was as cold as a moonless winter night.

"...I don't understand!" My breath hitched. I spluttered, voice full of liquid. I raised my face to his in fear. The nurse reached into the drawer and pulled out some papers. I remained standing, peering out through the narrow slit with an astonished look. He wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my forehead. He caressed my back and waist and pulled me to the hospital bed. My eyes were wide with fear and uncomprehending, trying to work out what was going on. He took my hand and put it in his lap, and this made me feel better, his hand being there.

Two demonic women dressed in white jackets entered with a tray and injected something into my IV.

"What happened to me...? Why am I going through this?" My heart throbbed in my throat like a train pounding down the tracks. My ears cocked for another suspicious sound, then it all began to fade, drifting like mist and disappearing. And through it all, I felt a blackness close in around me. My eyes slid closed and a void soon reclaimed me.

A strange dream began to take shape. My bed was moving. I was being taken by strange people along a long corridor. Numerous gloating horizontal tables lay before me unsupported by any visible base. One man gripped my leg while another lifted me from my waist. Odd that it didn't feel any pain, odder still that they were in a hallway of some sort, narrow and musty smelling. I could see the outline of a third woman who held a torch. I looked at the ceiling and experienced a floating sensation, a weightlessness. The fan rotated faster and faster till I became dizzy and closed my eyes.

## Chapter 19

I

could see some black images. "Remove her clothing,"  someone commanded. I felt the coldness of the gel on my tummy followed by circular movements of a roller. A nurse came by. "Let's see where we are now. . ."

She paused, "Yes, right there --"

"Ummm --"

Then a long silence descended. I no longer felt weightless. My limbs seemed to ache though. My stomach protested its violence. The pace of my heart and breathing quickened, but this time from an alarming premonition. Something was wrong. Very wrong. What was that gruesome sound like a dentist's drill in my ears? I wanted to cover my ears to block out the jarring noise.

I woke up with a start and jerked myself upright but had to stop. A hot burst of pain shot through my stomach and set black spots before my eyes. I felt a bit tearful and couldn't understand why. My teeth chattered like castanets and I didn't know if it was from fear or the cold. I shuddered and widened my eyes, focusing on the saline room.

What on earth was going on? Atop my face hovered uniformed bodies. I stared at them absently. I could see that I was attached to an intravenous drip, which explained the soreness in my arm.

"Can you hear me?" a voice asked. A nurse came by and placed another blanket on me, so that the trembling would stop. It didn't. It was near constant now. "How are you feeling now?" questioned another voice.

I touched the top of my belly and began to feel a sharp twinge of pain. I hunched over, as pain shot through my stomach and radiated up and down my back. I groaned, my groans turning to whimpers as my eyes filled with stinging tears.

"We expect that," a voice affirmed, "your wife should recover in about two weeks or so with some mild cramping and light bleeding. Her body should revive shortly after that."

"That's okay," Suraj said, as he moved in close, standing alongside me, casual and conversational.

"Well, it takes time for the uterus to empty and for the surgical termination of pregnancy to be complete. Please bring her for an ultrasound so that --"

"That's okay." he interrupted once more, but very firmly. "I surely will."

I gulped between the sobs that racked my body. I glanced up at that moment and his five-o'clock-shadowed face looked exactly the same as always, stone-faced and unmoved like dark granite. His eyes met mine for a mere moment in a silent communion.

Surgical termination? My eyes blinked, slowly absorbing the words. I closed my eyes as images and information flowed through my mind like a raging ocean. I harnessed them, one by one.

Then the truth came crashing down at me. It came to me in a lightning flash of recognition, as I realized that the emptiness that I felt inside was a bottomless pit, as black and cold and numbing.

"What have you done to my baby??" I winced, as I ran my hand over the arm, gently touching a stinging needle mark on my body.

My eyes glared at him and then glanced accusatorily down at my belly. At my scornful gaze, something in his own eyes lit and he smiled.

"You all are murderers," I screamed, "Get lost!" I spat, vehemently with a look of pure hatred in the black spheres of my eyes. I clutched my stomach and moaned.

"Well Doctor, I will handle everything from here on?" He gave me a wicked, teasing look and held my hand. "You will be fine, don't worry." the doctor remarked, as he left the room. The nurse followed.

Suraj's fingers lightly traced patterns in my skin, drawing circles in my palms. Excruciating pain zinged through my arm. A nauseating disgust flooded me. Sickening, twisting despair churned within, sending an all-consuming fire of revenge and hate.

I would LOVE to do this on the hospital bed!!! "You'll love it, wanna try!" he said with a wink.

"Get away from me, you psycho!" I screamed, beginning to struggle. "You animal!"

I felt a strange creepy feeling inside me. I wanted to yell at him but nothing would come from my ravaged throat. I suddenly felt my world spiral and a pain overpowered me and I slowly drifted out into space.

*****

As I raised myself up on one elbow, I noticed that I was on my own bed. My eyes weighed down with drowsiness.

The calling of a tiny bird, smaller even than the hummingbird, drew my attention. Slowly opening my eyes, I gazed back at the bird.

It gazed and gazed at me with an unwavering, absorbing black gleam. It was as if the bird knew me. I could feel it watching me inscrutably. I could almost hear it. It was so near.

"What is it?" I murmured. It whispered in my heart — "hold me," it chirped.

I looked at the beautiful, petite, small little bird. Its feathers suddenly trembled. I reached out my hand towards it but stopped midway.

It flew away –

"Don't go!" I whispered looking at him, long and sadly with hot tears dropping from my eyes. My lip quivered an instant and a deep-seated feeling of remorse threatened to choke off my voice.

I burst into tears and inched myself off the bed. Once my feet hit the floor, I grabbed onto the cupboard for support and grimaced as I forced my body to lift itself from the bed. I felt woozy and crampy.

I looked down at the floor and noticed black drops of blood. Squinting, I saw that the black liquid was running down my leg, originating from me. Clumps of blood tissues suddenly started pouring out --" the last testimony of my aborted baby.

"Welcome back home, my love," the monster drawled softly. The nasally voice grated at my nerves and made me pull in my breath in a small, shaky gasp. "You better clean up this mess, dear. The room stinks."

I was on the brink of crying, but my jaw clenched. I didn't flinch. I stared at the poker face of the man who was once the father of my baby.

"I hate the man!" I told myself. The pain in my eyes demanded an answer.

"He was our baby, you insane psychopath! Don't you feel anything??" I yelled slamming my fists against his chest. A new batch of more viscous liquid gushed out from deep within.

There was a pregnant pause. He stared at me. I stared back. He truly was evil. Too much of my life had already been taken by this man that should have protected me. And now my baby's life too had been snatched by the man that should have nurtured it.

Complete and total silence reigned.

"No, I don't." he hissed

"Because....You are evil. Wicked! Y-You're a monster. You choked him to death!" I cried, feeling an angry bafflement. "Suraj..." My voice shook violently as my mind flooded with memories, "I will never forgive you." I cried hoarsely. "Never!"

Suddenly, something dark and furious stirred way down inside me, for a moment threatening to come out. I leaned forward, very slightly, my eyes growing deep, and voice colder and harder than frozen stone.

"You...you will go to hell" I hissed venomously

"Not a word now....do you get it!" he warned as he came up beside me.

"And stop fussing over a bunch of cells put together! Fighting and screaming ain't gonna bring it back."

A sudden mist filled my eyes. "That was MY BABY."

"Yes it was clump of cells," I sighed softly, "but those clump of cells," my voice rose a notch, "had the ability to grow into a full-fledged human being -- had YOU not scraped him out, without my permission." I blinked at that several times.

There was a stretching silence in the room.

My face changed, gentling with pain and then, I suddenly threw my head back and started laughing. I bent over with laughter, holding my stomach and wiping the tears from my eyes.

"You --" I dropped my voice.

"You love to dismember body parts of toys, isn't it?"

My eyes lingered for a moment on the immaculate frozen and trance-like face staring back at me. I glanced down at the floor with flared nostrils.

"This is exactly what you have done to your baby!"

Moving to the bed, I gripped the sheets and fought to steady my breathing.

"Look...look at dismembered tiny body parts of my baby lying all around...bleeding to death....torn from limb from limb." I said with trepidation. My eye-lids quivered, my lips trembled, I cried, in a strange paroxysm of emotions.

"What is the meaning of this shit?" he hissed

My eyes flared with indignation and anger, much like lightning on a pitch black night.

"Look Suraj.... legs, arms, head, brain, all of them... lying ripped apart at the seams." I saw each word hit him like a slap. I choked on a restrained cry.

"Look there! That's the spinal tissue strewn with the blood of your baby." My voice was low and malicious. The pupils of my eyes widened, my abdomen and chest expanded with each inhalation.

"Stop it," he said through gritted teeth; his left hand looked for something to grab hold of. The way his eyes squinted when I glared at him reminded me of a pit viper's slit-like pupils. He gulped nervously. Beads of sweat dripped from his face. He recoiled and a look of disgust came over his face.

"That's your baby scattered across the floor!" I pointed, gesticulating up and down, my lips quavering. Squeezing my eyes shut with a tiny whimper, I covered my face.

"Look there! That's your baby's headless body covered with red paint. See, they came apart," My voice cracked and my lips trembled. I struggled to clamp an icy hold on my fluctuating emotions. Sadness overwhelmed me for a moment, and I gathered control again.

"Looks good, isn't it?"

Now my heart hammered erratically. His face fell. He inhaled a deliberate slow breath, like he was fighting something back and loosing.

"Damn, woman," he muttered. His face had gone passive, almost devoid of emotion, but his eyes... I could almost feel the heat that radiated from them.

Anger began to boil behind his eyes. He exhaled through clenched teeth. The shock on his face morphed into something new, something more sinister.

"Have you lost your fucking mind?" Suraj slapped me hard across the face and I landed amid mottled pools of red jelly. I glared like a hissing slithery snake.

Lifting my hand, I pointed my index finger directly at his face. "Don't you dare again!"

His arm flared out and seized my wrist, twisting hard.

"You murdering, insane, psychopath!" I hissed, with a noticeable aggravation building in my voice.

"You'll pay for this murder." I raged with madness. "Mark my words, you—you brute -- you will pay for your sin, in this very world."

His eyes bulged, bouncing from side to side. I whirled around, slapping away his grip.

He fixed me with a freezing glance. "Shut up!" he screamed.

"What happens if I won't?" I demanded fiercely dismissing him with a wave of my hand. My defiance infuriated him.

Suraj tightened his grip, then pulled my arm up behind my back. His fingers encased around my wrists to assure I couldn't break free.

"I warn you Shut Up!" he growled. I whipped my head backwards. Suraj's head flopped back from the impact. I turned to him, my rage spiking.

"YOU shut up! YOU shut up!" I screamed back at him and on the last word smacked him hard across the cheek leaving a bloodstained handprint on his face.

He felt a wetness on his cheek and brushed it away with his hand before looking at the blood red tears.

I smiled what I knew to be my most menacing smile.

Spinning around, I stomped out of the bedroom. I glanced behind and saw my own blood trail on the floor. Slamming the door behind me, I stumbled towards the bathroom. My torso was covered in blood. My eyes were rolling with fresh tears that plopped onto my heaving chest.

"Oh! Ohhhhh!" I wept copiously, snot dribbling from my nose. A series of moans echoed in the bathroom. Putrid breath covered me, and I escalated my futile screams.

"My baby! My baby!" I screamed -- a shrill, escalating scream

I stripped off my blood-stained clothes and groaned in debilitating, convulsing cramps.

"My baby" I cried seeing the blood continuing its maddening journey down my legs. Huge wracking sobs seemed to come from my soul.

"You did not deserve that heinous murder. I'm sorry!!" I cried uncontrollably now, babbling incoherent words. Shivering with cold, I scrubbed my aching body furiously, praying that the scourging of my flesh would help cleanse my soul.

"He's gone, he's gone...no parting kiss . . . no farewell. . ."

Then came an excruciating pain and I let out an ear curdling scream. My stomach cramped with sick revulsions.

"Eeeeayyyayyaygghhhh!" I wailed, clawing at the floor.

"Oh God, oh God, I cried out in agony." A vast stabbing cramp wracked my innards.

Gradually the pain subsided and my sight cleared with a needle-hot shower. The heat of the shower couldn't compare to the hot torrent of tears that poured down my cheeks. I gasped for breath.

"God please help me!" I pleaded.

I rolled all over the bathroom floor shaking like a leaf, with pain in its peak.

Then silence.

"Suraj, why" I screamed. My voice echoed through the bathroom. "Why-why-why-wh-wh-w."

I shook my head, pulled myself up, and dressed. I stepped out of the washroom, stopping once again to study the bedroom. Clutching my abdomen, I walked to the kitchen holding onto the side of the wall.

"Welcome back! You're hungry?? he asked, his voice rough.

"No," I replied curtly shrinking from the man's reach, receding to the farthest corner of the slab.

"I need warm water to drink."

"Oh, I'm starving," he answered in a monotonous voice. He gave me a smirk.

"Listen buddy," The threat in his voice made me shiver.

"Stop being difficult. I want a decent, hot meal," he ordered. Hs impatience was clear in the edginess of his voice.

I was shocked beyond words.

"Get going, my little chef," he commanded.

"Let me hold my sweet wife from her slender waist, while she cooks."

Disbelief was written largely across my face as I muttered, "Oh, God no! You brute! No! Are you serious?"

"Baby, you've developed a sharp tongue." He took a giant step towards me only to have me curl back.

"Suraj! "Don't do this!" I cried.

"You don't know what you're doing! I have just come from the hospital. I am so weak. . ."

He studied my countenance for a long moment and then added: "I swear if you tell me this crap I'm going to smack that pretty little face of yours."

I saw in his eyes that he didn't really see me as a human being. I rarely in my life had felt so deeply terrified although there was nothing obviously violent in his behaviour...but his gaze.

"You're horrible!" I hissed as rage pulsed in my veins.

"You murdered my baby..." I felt tears in my eyes.

"I will not stay here now. Do you get that?"

"Come to me, sweetie," he cajoled, as he tried to cradle me against him. A look of horror swept across my face.

"No! Stay away from me," I screamed, my breath coming out in short gasps.

"Don't you dare come any closer!"

I was crying hard, hot tears ran down my face, my emotions were in turmoil.

"Shh!" he hissed, his eyebrows twisting up into an angry knot. It's time to make you repent for what you did a while back," he sneered as he approached me. He leaned back and stared resolutely at me not saying a single word.

"I don't want my Queen, getting too sick. So....I will compromise today with some pasta." A smile teased the edges of his mouth.

"Hurry up. I'm Hungry!"

"Suraj --" God will punish you for this." My whisper sounded like a curse as I grabbed the glass lying on the side and flung it at him. But he ducked it reflexively on time and it shattered into many pieces.

"Bad aim." He beamed at me as if he had just given the correct answer to the million dollar question on the show - Who wants to be a millionaire!

Minutes later, I panted from the exertion of cooking, while he held my waist from behind. As silence settled over the kitchen, there was only the sound of a faucet dripping.

I felt I was going to split in two. He walked me to the entrance of the room and then left me on my own. I finally stumbled back to the warmth of my bed. I groaned in pain, as I lay in blood soaked sheets. The smell of blood in the room filled my nostrils, as I lay staring at the ceiling.

The day would be etched in my memory forever. Never in my life had I felt so lonely, nor so empty of courage and spirit. My one chance at happiness had been ripped away along with my baby. What greater betrayal could a man do to me than killing his own child?

I could hear loud sound of the TV, as he laughed watching some cartoon. I loathed the man with a passion; I felt my blood pressure rise whenever I heard that relentless laughter.

We didn't really speak about what had happened. It was over. Except it wasn't.

*****

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward—

A quiet void consumed the wandering around my life like an untouchable phantom. The muscles of my chin trembled like a small child as I cast lingering looks at the distant horizon. Past thoughts and memories invaded my exhausted mind and overwhelmed heart.

My heavy sighs sounded into the silence of the early evening and drifted across the blurry drop of the crimson sun. With each beat of my heart, the sun slipped closer and closer to the horizon. I looked back over my life, much as if I were glancing at a series of pictures. My mind was jammed full of replays.

A cataract of tears swamped in my eyes as forbidden memories invaded my mind. My thoughts filtered right back to the earlier hours of that fateful day of my baby's murder that involved signing a lot of papers.

I did not understand any of what I was reading before I signed. I was weightless, formless, floating serenely on a cloud of bliss. Everything in my world felt right then.

"Maybe that's why I missed the trap. . ." I mused. "I had no idea I was signing my child's life away," I wept.

"If only I had known..." He'd given me some medicine which felt like my brain was scrambled. And then....I sighed.

'Damn the scoundrel anyway! Did he even care! How could he be so vicious?' Something deep inside me didn't want to find out. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't block out the images he threw at me.

The deception was unbelievable. Incredible. Impossible for me to accept. My thoughts rushed around helter-skelter. But in my mind, everything was there and had been all along; the move, the means, and the manipulation. I had merely been incapable of seeing them, blinded by my own happiness.

There was an eerie stillness which followed our relationship. A disconnection, a loss of sentiments, and everything else a couple shares. Except sexual gratification of the demon I knew that what he had done had superseded all limits of trust. I felt like my whole world has been eclipsed by the darkness of treachery!

It all resounded with the echo of my empty womb where nothing grew, my body, where nothing hurt, my life where nothing lived . . . it was the black hole. As my mind filled with memories of him—the way he'd made me feel alive—my tears stopped their silent flow, replaced by loud heaving sobs as I mourned what I'd lost.

"Where are you?" I cried out in my mind. "Where have you gone?" Of course, there was never any answer.

I retreated into my numbness and depression. It was a sentence of eternal abandonment.

'How had I so completely misjudged this man? Had I actually been in love with him? Had I actually trusted him? With my baby? With my heart?'

'I just want you out of my life, Suraj!' I was not going to be the victim. Not any more, anyway. I had cried enough over the months --The end was here and I had to face the music head on. Steeling myself for the confrontation ahead I told myself, 'I know what I have to do now.'

"Hello? Hello?"

"Hello, Mom."

"Zoe!"

"Just thought I'd call to find out how are things at home."

"Oh Zoe, it's you!!"

"How was the cruise? When did you reach back to India?"

"Cruise?"

"Did you have to cut it short? Suraj mentioned you were suffering from sea-sickness. I was worried all the time. But he assured—

"Mom, hang on."

There was a long silence on the other end.

"Zoe?"

"I do not have the faintest recollection of going on any cruise abroad."

My voice was quavering. I could almost see her shaking her head in utter disbelief.

For the first time, hearing my mother's voice seemed to evoke no emotion but only make me feel worse than I already did. It unveiled another chapter of deceit and hypocrisy.

"What are you saying?

"Did you not go to Europe on a cruise for 3 months?"

"Nope."

"But....then...where have you been? You called and said you were coming back to India. And then we were told --"

"I.....I was here."

"Zoe! What number is this you are calling from? Where is your phone? Where is Suraj?"

"Phone booth. He threw my phone, so I could not --"

"Oh my God! What happened?"

There was a momentary silence on the line between us and I could hear the phone being jostled and several anxious voices in the background. I heard my father talking. I had not spoken to him since long. This voice rang in my ears like the chapel bell in the morning. Oh, I pined for him so badly!

"Ma, I need to tell you something."

"Listen very carefully... I can't stay with this man."

"Tell Papa and Bhai to come immediately..." "You hear me! Ma, come IMMEDIATELY." There was a hushed moment.

"And," I hiccoughed for breath, "do NOT tell anyone about this. I don't want them to know"

"What is it that you don't want them to know? Why can't you come to the phone when we call? What's wrong? Tell me, what it is you are trying to say?"

"I...I can't explain on the phone!" Mom was undeterred.

"Tell me what's going on, Zoe!" "Suraj – Suraj." Suraj what!!?

"That man is nothing but trouble."

"Pleeeease take me home, Mom."

"Oh...'

"Zoe? What did he tell you?"

"He is a brutal man, Ma."

"Oh!"

"You don't have to be scared about anything, Zoe. We're here. Hello? Can you hear me, Zoe? Don't worry. We're coming" That was just what I wanted to hear.

"I'll talk to you later. And DONOT call. Bye."

I walked back home feeling no happier than when I arrived. Strands of hair escaped my braid to curl in wisps about my tired face. The day was hot, the wind a blast from an oven as it flowed. My throat was as dry as the cactus in the desert on the hottest day.

I had sneaked out of the house to call my parents from a public booth as soon as Suraj had left the house. As I reached the apartment, I saw his car parked outside the apartment block. I could not have been more shocked. What a brute he was! My blood boiled as I prepared myself for another assault. With a series of fumbling movements, I unlocked the front door, opened it and slammed it shut, running straight into the devil. "What are you doing at home?" I quizzed

"I must ask you now, what were you doing outside the walls of the house?" he demanded.

"I had gone to—to the market, but—but that—that shop— as I'd—I'd gone late." I mumbled. I swallowed convulsively, my knees suddenly weak.

His brows raised in question as he waited for a response. His mouth compressed in a harsh line. "You think you can keep selling me bullshit?" he growled.

"Tell me or else-" Suraj threatened with a look of meanness in his eyes.

"I'm not going to tell you anything!" I yelled through the cry from the top of my lungs, and soon regretted it, as he slammed me against the wall.

"I'm waiting." he drawled, his mouth twisting into a slit.

I eyed the clock on the wall. Creeping up on eleven-thirty now. Every minute; every second was in pure agony. I knew I couldn't hide. Honestly my attempt to lie was obvious and made me look idiotic. Donning a mask of impenetrable reserve and showing no emotion, my voice trailed off, "I called my mom."

I felt his arm grab me tightly around the waist, his fingers reaching around the side. It was extremely uncomfortable and an extremely tight grip.

His eyes narrowed. "Why?" barked a deep, gruff voice. "Why do I have to keep teaching you lessons? I feel like you never learn. Why do you keep doing the opposite of what is expected of you as a wife?" he hissed. He clenched his fist; his gaze was filled with contempt.

"I've chosen," I sighed, then forgot what I was going to say.

"I've chosen to leave this cage," I said at last. His face remained impassive.

"Cage! You call your home a cage?" he frowned and slowly shook his head.

"Yes. cage, cage of my body and soul." I glanced at him to gauge his reaction. He stared at me for several seconds.

"Bullshit," he spat. I saw his eyes change to evil. He stood, expressionless and unmoving, his face as still as stone.

He ground his teeth and prowled toward me like a cat on the hunt.

"If you ever leave me, I swear I'll kill you." He said with a snarl, wrapping his hands around my neck, moving like a striking snake leaping for the antelope's throat.

"If you kill me, you will be behind the bars. My parents will not spare you. I have told them everything." My eyes never moved; they dared him to strangle my throat. My eyes were like shards of ice that sparkled with hostility.

"You bitch," he hissed. "I'll kill you. No...I'll kill your father. I'll smash him if he rings my bell." He hissed a babble of half formed thoughts. I looked into his horrible, disgusting eyes. 'God, he was an animal.'

"What did you tell them?" he demanded

I bared my teeth but refused to talk. He remained standing above me, pressing ever harder against my throat. I stared with that same expression of contempt. I thrashed against his hold, but couldn't break his grasp.

Then he laughed on a sudden, and, clapped his hands together. "Okay, yeah. Cool. Uh, real cool. Zoe." His voice dripped contempt.

"You," he continued threateningly with an annihilatory stare, "will never leave me. You are my drug. You make this game intoxicating." I emitted a tiny gasp when I noted the familiar glazing in his eyes.

"Your eyes hold the innocence of a child," he whispered, "your doe-like eyes captivate me . . . when they hold a look of fear." He added with a mirthless laugh. "You are like . . . my . . . like my candy. Irresistible." And, the predator distended his claws, quickly slacking the rav'nous thirst within him, with his prey's flesh. Ducking, I struck blindly at the shredding claws and stabbing beaks, until he released his grip and flew off.

I withdrew into my bed like a whipped puppy. Taking a sip from the glass of water that stared at me from the bedside table, I curled up inside the blanket like a folded sock. A brief panic fought with my exhaustion. I was about to succumb to sleep when my mind spoke to me for a split second, muttering one word.

'Run.'

# Chapter 20

I

was not safe here. I knew that. Fear made sense, this man did not. My mind vacillated between confusion and anger,

uncertainty and fear.

'What if this man suddenly goes on a murderous rampage?' I squirmed.

I knew I had to make a decision. I had always prided myself on my ability to reason out of a situation. More than once, I had been told I was too much like my father. I had always taken pride in being like him. But it did not take intelligence to decipher that I needed to walk away from this living hell.

'I should—' I rummaged around and then stood upright.

Part of the afternoon had waned, but much of it was left. Swiftly, I snatched my purse and darted out of the door and waved at a taxi parked farther up the street.

"I have to," I reiterated to myself, as I turned to climb into the taxi. With every milestone that passed, I kept telling myself over and over that I was doing the right thing and the smart thing.

A few hours later...

'Whew! That was smart, Zoe!!' I beamed, as I walked out from the police station, after filing a Non-cognizable (NC) complaint against him. Although I did not understand much about legal affairs, I felt safe.

I hummed a little tune to myself as I walked back, letting my mind float away from the anxieties to which it had been moored. Someone bumped into me, but I was not in the mood to get annoyed.

I promenaded along shops and restaurants I had never seen before. I passed a café with long windows that showcased young people sitting languorously sipping cappuccinos. For a moment, time descended into the reservoir of my college memories. My soul ached for what I had lost. I wrinkled my nose appreciatively at the smell of freshly brewed coffee. It occurred to me that there was nothing on this street that I needed, nobody I knew, and no reason to be there. But, it had been a long time since I had spent an afternoon away from that rat hole.

I felt a cold wet tap on my neck and another on my cheek. I raised my head and looked up at the dark sky, blinking away the occasional misty raindrop. It started to drizzle.

The air suddenly smelled different – the soft sweet scent of mud!!! 'It's so delicious!' I thought to myself, sniffing the air.

A shop at the turning of the road caught my attention. On impulse, I stepped inside.

"Make it short," I uttered the hardest thing of my life, probably for the first time ever. Snip, snip went the scissors and my waist-length hair fell to the wooden ground, like leaves falling from an old, fig tree. Every snip reminded me of another time and place.

"A little shorter." There was a definitive power in saying those words.

Snip. Snip.

"Shorter." I was taking control back in my hands.

Snip.

My hair had been with me for nearly the better part of three decades. It was the favourite thing about myself. I valued it highly. It was the only reminder of what used to be. This was the end of coiffuring my locks. Cutting it marked the end of one time of my life. Contrasting to my boisterous curly ringlets, my hair was tamed into shorter, straight tresses. I walked out in exhilaration, savoring the liberation I allowed myself.

I felt wicked but alive.

What could go wrong now when it felt so good?

Only everything.

As the drizzle gave way to a downpour, everyone on the road hurriedly dashed for cover with their heads down at a sheltered place. There was something about the rains that mesmerized me, delighted my skin with its fresh and delicate kisses. It was a wonderful feeling, running with the raindrops pelting against the face. I reveled in the joyful journey of these little drops of water.

"My last rain here...." I was happy.

A car appeared round the corner and came to a screeching halt. I knew it was Suraj and he was watching me. With no hesitation, I continued to walk down the side lane to my apartment. His car continued honking insistently at me when a pleasantly scandalous thought struck. I inhaled a deep breath and in exultation dashed out in the rain with my wide open arms smiling up to the sky and started dancing in the rain.

My dancing was nothing special- it wasn't even in time with the music- but there was spontaneous happiness and my lack of concern about the future. With eyes closed, I tipped my head back and stretched out my arms. As if lying in water afloat, I let the cool rain pour over me. My body, my senses, my heart no longer felt heavy nor full of the abrasive things I'd consumed earlier.

He was standing there watching me aghast. I ignored him, continuing to let the rain pour over me.

'Come on loser,' I gesticulated to him, teasingly sticking out my tongue. He glared at me. I could feel his anger travelling across to me in palpable waves from across the street. 'Men and their stupid pride!' I felt so light as if I was flying, unencumbered by weight and the pull of my seemingly insurmountable problems. Suraj stared in a state of petulance and anger from the car. 'Yuhuuu!' I cheered as I stomped into a puddle, the mud and water slopping inside my sandals. A bit later I waved at him, and when he glanced over I flashed him another teasing face. He cast a contemptuous glance and drove away.

I let myself drench in the rain until it slowed down, gradually diminishing into trickles. After dodging a few cars, jumping over a few muddle puddles I took a shortcut to my apartment. My hands were as cold as my heart had been for so long.

"Bye Bye Mumbai!!" I yelled

Soaking wet and utterly bedraggled, I looked like a drowned rat when I entered the house. The front door was slightly ajar and I trotted, breathless, into the hall and paused for a moment. There was an empty wine bottle near the foot of the bed and another stood on the coffee table.

He wore the arrogant looking-for-a-fight expression that I knew from experience meant trouble.

Suraj's bloodshot gaze travelled upward to my hair. Swiping the wet hanks of hair out of my face, I shot him a cynical look. Without hesitating, I dashed into the bathroom to dry myself. I emerged from the bathroom in a bathrobe and a towel wrapped around my hair. After I had latched on the door, I yanked the towel from my hair and tugged a comb through the new haircut.

Draping a warm shawl over a pair of pyjamas, I withdrew into the living room.

Click... click... click... I continued pressing the buttons on the remote, idly watching the different channels pop up before changing again. Nothing really came on during the weekends, surprisingly.

Then came a slurred voice. "Zoe, with whose permission did you cut your hair?" The room was instantly quiet after his husky voice boomed throughout.

I ignored the question and studied his uneasiness for a minute.

"Answer me!!"

"Zoe, answer me, dammit!" I refused to fill the void.

He swaggered and swayed as he started to speak, "Your father didn't tell me that his darling Princess was hearing impaired." Confusion gathered round my shoulders like a blanket from the freezing rain. He was saying things — things that made no sense.

I screwed up my face comically as if to say... whatever.

"He...he...married off his deaf daughter to me...That man cheated on me!" He transitioned with that long, slow, sarcastic smile.

He gesticulated wildly at his hair and manipulated fingers to resemble letters of the alphabet. I sat, arms crossed, wrists in front of my chest and kept my gaze directed at his antics.

I bit the edge of a smile, making a vain attempt to keep my creeping grin at bay.

"Do you want to answer me, yes or no?" he screamed in my ear. "Yes or no, what?"

"I am deaf, I didn't hear you." I retaliated coolly. I had ceased to gear from his calumny or malicious conjecture. Somewhere in my brain, a slow fire rose and rage began to blot out everything else. 'One more word from this man and I will whip him off with the scathing tongue,' I told myself.

"Oh! You couldn't hear me. You can't hear. Oh, oh, oh. My baby!" His expression became thunderous. "I will sue your family for giving me a defective piece. I will claim compensation!" He burst into uproarious self-laughter.

"Seriously?" I questioned.

"You're deranged. And I must have been out of my mind in agreeing to marry you. But now—" I hissed, "You can't keep me here forever." My voice was close, my breath hot on his cheek.

"No. I don't think that's in the plan, sweetheart" he said in a mocking villainous sneer. He was shadowy and indistinct, but I could see his cold eyes glittering foxily.

"Oh yeah." I maneuvered through the tight squeeze, holding my breath all the way

"And," I emphasized pointed my index finger warningly at Suraj. "If you dare touch me...I will call the cops." I sipped water.

"Hah!" he spat. "You can't be serious." He said with a laugh. He walked over to my side and slapped the glass of water out of my hand, crashing it to the floor in a million pieces.

"Suraj, I have already registered a complaint against you." I rebutted. "One single scratch on my body," I said, enunciating each word slowly and deliberately, "will land you behind bars." I glared defiantly at him. "And, yes, I'm quite serious."

"...What?" he replied dumbfounded. "What do you mean?" his distant and ghostly voice sounded through the small room. "You piece of shit!" he yelled out. "What the hell! . . . Have you lost your mind?"

"You want to play nasty, fine....I'll play nasty with you. But let me tell you one thing," he breathed with fire flared nostrils as he pointed his finger in my petrified face. "You leave me, I'll make sure you die." His face was full of rage and dark eyes promised nothing short of murder.

Always remember, "You can run, but you never can hide." he whispered.

The next day, I squirmed at the edge of the hospital seat, fighting feelings of nervousness. I sat, fidgeting with the bracelet hanging from my wrist; waiting for the pregnancy report.

"Please be wrong, please be wrong!" I was absolutely freaking out as I tried to think of what to do. I was seven days late for my period now. My nerves got the better of me and the anticipation was just too much. I had no idea what to expect.

'Would it be "yes" or "no," and even so, would I be ready?'

Unable to sit, I paced. Three steps forward. Three steps back. And again. Beads of sweat dampened my forehead and neck.

The click of the door opening behind made me spin around.

"Please come in." I nodded.

"Zoe? Are you listening to me?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry Doctor. What were you saying?"

"You would be due in the first week of August." I stilled. I could feel the sudden grip of clammy perspiration covering my heated skin.

"I don't understand." I furrowed my brow trying to make sense of the doctor's words. "Well, you are pregnant and --" I didn't hear.

"I...I can't...this...I'm....how...." I stammered shakily. No, this cannot be happening! Not now, I thought as I sat on the seat, throwing down the report and shoving my head into my hands. This isn't happening.

My body was going into meltdown on trying to comprehend the situation I was now stuck in. How the hell had I even gotten pregnant?

No! No, this couldn't be happening. How was this even possible? I was on the pill.

I only thought about my next move.

'How would he react?' He would apparently get mad at me? What if he would kill the baby again. Swimming once more in tidal waters of the past made my eyes glossy with tears.

The next morning, I squinted open an eye and peered at the painfully bright sunlight streaming in through the window. I lay with my hands over my eyes trying to block out the light of day that I believed was causing me pain. I raised my head from the pillow only to let it drop back as a sharp pain pierced my temple and started to throb. Confusion muddied me.

My pulse throbbed violently in the head. I moaned, rolled over and unsuccessfully tried to bury my face. My hand reached out for a pillow that wasn't there, then slowly, on a disgusted sigh, I opened my eyes and tried to gather myself, to make some sense of what was happening. I was encapsulated in a dream world that I couldn't quite wake up from.

"So, how are you feeling sweetheart?" He asked.

"Zoe. Let me put some pillows behind you."

I felt my pillows being repositioned and a glass touching my lips. I opened my mouth eagerly and swallowed the water.

We sat in silence. I watched the hands of my bedside clock glide in a circle. My eyes burned. I closed my eyes to keep the tears inside. When I opened them, he was studying me intently with an expression I could not immediately identify. They didn't look very . . . human.

"It's just a matter of hours when I will be out of your life, once and for all," I said with conviction.

He laughed his maniacal laughter, leaned in towards my ear and whispered, "Want to bet." He Grabbing my wrist, he pulled my face to him. "Don't deliberately provoke me."

"You still haven't figured out?" he laughed a little. "Figured out what?" I raised my brows.

"Suraj! What haven't I figured out?" I asked suspiciously. I knew that he had a devious mastermind

"That," he whispered with a sinister curvature to his lips, "... is a secret!" The faint twist of his mouth almost looked like a smile, but there was no sign of that in his cold blue eyes.

"Figure it out yourself." Hands in the pockets of his blue jeans, he laughed again.

"You are out of your mind!" I snapped dryly, fuming with every word spoken.

*****

My heart pounded erratically. I stared into the distance as if I could see beyond the walls. I spent time walking through the apartment, sitting down and standing up...waiting for my father to arrive. I was beginning to get worried. The next day came and went, and still, I had no news of him. Now and again a sharp premonition of dread passed over my soul like a sweeping shadow.

"Oh God!!" I echoed pensively praying to all the gods and goddesses I could think of, to end my longing.

The door was locked from outside. No surprise. I paced around the drawing room like a lioness in a cage. I needed some time to sort things out in my own mind and by going out of the house, Suraj had given me that time. Being in this man's presence was exhausting!

I stewed in my anxieties, thinking desperately why my father hadn't come. There had to be some explanation. I looked around me. A storm of probabilities raced through my mind but I needed answers, not guesses. The door-bell rang like crystal bells, interrupting the mental inventory of strategies to reach my parents.

I peeped through the security hole. "It's your neighbour, Zoe." The voice called from the door.

"I can't open the door. What do you want?" I questioned. I waited very quietly for her to leave. The lady waited a minute and then slid a letter through, from under the door. "If you need anything, let me know dear. I'm with you," she said in a worried tone.

"I'm fine."

Suddenly an idea popped into my head like a bolt of lightning. I thrust my fist forward and struck the door. "Wait" I screeched. "I need help." I rushed in and quickly scribbled on a piece of paper, slipping it beneath the door in a hasty thrust. The lady picked up the note which read-

Please Help. Call my parents. I am under house arrest. +91********

The lady stood still for a moment, wondering if she was doing the right thing.

As the minutes ticked by, my heart jackhammered against my chest. "Oh God. Oh God." I chanted. "Please send Papa to save me!"

There was a soft knock on the door and a paper slid in.

I turned as white as snow. Clutching the note, I staggered along the room to the dining table. Grasping the table, I lowered myself onto a chair and rested my head in the hands, staring down at the message on the table.

My eyes shifted to the paper, where I read:

Your father had a heart attack......Serious.

Dark spots surged before my eyes. I found myself shaking my head, unable to digest this horrifying news. I slumped to the floor. A scream tore at my chest clawing with sharpened demonic clutches. But all I released was a moan, a long keening sound drenched in despair.

Several of the most cherished moments in life directly involved my father. I remembered staring into his eyes and seeing the love reflected back at me as I stood dressed as a bride.

"Oh, Papa," I whispered. "I love you!" I broke into a storm of agonized weeping.

Just then, I heard the front door open. I turned to the entrance to see Suraj standing. Seeing me crying, he stepped into the room, alarmed.

"Zoe, what the hell has happened!!!?"

"Papa...Suraj . . . my Papa!" I said with my voice trembling.

"He . . . he . . . he's had a . . . a . . . a heart attack!" I broke into a disconsolate sob, choking on my grief.

"You scared the shit out of me!" He spat. "Girl! Tell me something that I don't know! This news is stale." He laughed in an ominous tone.

My mouth dropped open, and disbelief crossed my features.

"You knew it!!!" I stared at him incredulously.

Biting back a smirk, he replied in a so-what's-wrong-withthat tone. "Oh God, I'm sorry, Zoe. I forgot to tell you!"

I summoned every ounce of anger that I could muster and let out a long quavering breath.

"You FORGOT!"

"Hn."

"Forgot! You don't—can't—mean that."

"Yes, forgot." He laughed at that, making me feel ridiculously melodramatic.

I could hardly catch my breath —"Oh! Oh my god" — I cried — "what else have you forgotten, Mr Suraj Shinde?" My eyes drilled into his. "Have you forgotten who you are? You aren't a human being anymore. You're an animal." I glared at him. "Oh my God!"

My head jerked up towards the sky and a prayer rolled out from my soul. Like all little ones, I too believed that He stayed high, high, high in the skies and I would always turn my face skyward seeking help in testing times. I sniffed, blinking the flooding tears out of my eyes.

"I shall hate you till I die, you — you —" What was the word I wanted? I could not think of any word bad enough.

"Oh come on. It's normal to forget irrelevant things at times."

At that, my heart bumped to a stop. I took a step closer to Suraj and stared at him in horror.

"I'm leaving. Right now. Right away." I eyed him coldly and condemningly for a few seconds. I did not want to spend any more time with this man.

"No you cannot do this," he said clutching my arm tightly.

I started packing my belongings furiously. I picked up my bag, slung it over my shoulder, and headed towards the door— rather stiffly.

"Wait, Zoe."

"What is it?" Fists already clenched, I swung round to face him.

"Shh," It was a thickened whisper against my ears.

"Listen carefully. I understand what you're feeling right now, but by going there at this hour, you'll only make matters worse."

He paused. "Think about it."

"I will NOT let you use emotional blackmail on me." 

# Chapter 21

M

y eyes flared coldly. He knew that my father meant the world to me, and he wanted to use that to his

advantage. Yes, he was a bastard and he was prepared to resort to any amount of manipulation.

"So, you're going to leave, whatever I say?"

"Yes."

"I think you're being unreasonable"

"Unreasonable to you?" I echoed, my tone laced with sarcasm.

"Not to me baby...to your father." He said softly, his voice disturbingly close to my ear. "To the man you adore! The man who brought you in this world!" His voice was designed to provoke shrill pleas out of me.

His hands were on my shoulders, gently massaging, urging me back against him.

I looked up at him aghast, as I jerked away from him.

"The responsibility of causing the attack lies on your shoulders . . . you called him for help. He was about to start the journey when he collapsed," he said with a cruel twist to his lips. I'd gone deathly pale. I gave a terrified whimper.

"What if he has another heart attack on seeing you? What if his health deteriorates?" His mouth twisted into a grotesque smile and he whispered eerily into my ears. The corner of his mouth tilted up slightly - the small shine of victory.

"Think Zoe," he said, pressing his advantage. "Do you want to take the responsibility of causing another attack?

"Shut up! Just shut up! God forbid!"

He pressed forward, determined to turn the slip-up into a victory. "What if he -- dies? Will you ever be able to forgive yourself?"

"Noooooooo!!!!!" I put my hands over my ears and shrieked. The thought was too much for me.

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"

Then all at once, I slumped in a heap to the floor, my back against the wall, and my knees up, both hands in my head. Like a graven statue, I sat in virgin beauty with vacant eyes that were as dull as the eyes of a fish lying on a slab of ice.

I loved my father more than life. He understood me— accepted me unconditionally. I admired him - loved his humanity and depth of heart. My mind flashed to my father, fighting for his life as his heart stopped beating. The image sliced through my brain, sharp as the butcher's knife.

The door was only ten steps away. "Help me, God." I blinked my eyes rapidly and shook my head in desperation, attempting to clear the fog.

His eyes honed in on me, sizing me up, trailing me. He stared like a hawk watching each move of its prey with astute observation.

"What if, what if, what if..." his words resounded in my head gathering strength like an oncoming storm. A steady thunderous pounding of the drums echoed. Shivering forcefully, I wrapped my arms around my torso.

I sat a long time with my thoughts before me, face crumpled with tears finally flowing, tears that had been frozen inside me for too long.

Minutes passed. Then a few more. And another followed by another minute, when suddenly, a different minute passed.

I glanced at Suraj as he blew out a breath and checked his watch. He was waiting, his fingers in a perpetual fidget. I could see that he had driven himself to exhaustion. Patience had never been his strong suit, especially when he had to wait for the results of his victory.

His familiar voice sounded from the direction of the sofa. "Ready to go?" My stomach did a freefall, my heart exploded. "I can't—" I cried.

He moved behind me. The victorious "Mine" read loud and clear, mouth twisted into a languid smile. There was a triumphant fire in his eyes as if I'd said something that he'd been waiting to hear for long.

"I know," he said, pulling me into his arms in a tone that was meant to lull me into a false sense of security.

I started crying in earnest.

"I can never harm him." I managed between hiccupping sobs.

"I know." he said, stroking hair back from my face.

"I love him so much!"

"I know," he said, brushing my tears away with his thumb. I rested my forehead on his chest sobbing whilst he stroked me, as one would caress a lazy cat that had come to curl in the lap.

"If only," I cried at length, clenching my fist, "If only I could -- he could see me. . . ."

"But you could, Zoe, you could!" The child in me looked up with imploring eyes, exclaiming eagerly: "I?" Suraj shook his head in affirmation. "Let me make you talk to him." He said reaching for his phone. "You will really do that!!! I blubbered.

"Anything for you, my love." He said with a hint of arrogance.

I paused for a few seconds and glanced at his face. "What's the catch?" I asked. I knew him too well!

"No catch. I have a few conditions, though. Interested in a deal?" The metal lips turned upward, a menacing smile slowly crawling across his face.

I tried to read his eyes. Something was brewing in his devious mind; I was sure of it. "What do you mean a deal?" I gave him a questioning look.

"You withdraw the case against me and you go your way and I go mine."

"Oh!' I shrugged indifferently. It slowly started to sink in.

"Interesting proposition!" I sneered.

"So? He smiled triumphantly.

I sat in an abysmal silence considering pragmatically. I could see his strategy was merely a trick of luring me like a mouse, with delicious bread crumbs. But the thought of going back home was too tempting a crumb thrown my way to resist. Eyes locked in a long, silent contest of wills, I had no reason to believe that this man was safe. But I couldn't shake the desire to flee. But it didn't matter. I had to run.

"You can leave whenever you'd like," he pressed, raising the stakes a little.

"Zoe?"

I nodded, then shook my head, nodded again and then shook my head again. My lips parting on numerous occasions, but no words flowed.

This man was making me go pieces. I refused to look at him, refused to acknowledge the triumphant winner. But I knew that he was looking at me very closely, watching every single expression and my nerves grew more tauter with every second that passed. I looked grief stricken, almost as if I were fighting an inner battle -- and losing.

"Deal," I said, without battling an eyelash.

I finally turned to looked towards him and found him grinning at me unrepentantly. He beamed triumphantly like a hunter who had chased down his quarry and finally shot it. The victorious look in his eyes made me shiver. His lips curled contemptuously into a sinister grin.

'I hate you Suraj and I shall find a way to leave,' I said to myself, as I stared across the street in the other direction.

'Damn you! Damn your emotional blackmail!'

*****

"Whisky?"

"What else!"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course"

"Here you go"

"This will be our farewell drink." he said raising his glass.

"Cheers to us." With that, we clicked glasses.

I took a cautious sip and grunted approvingly, raising a glass to his. The whisky gagged me. I coughed long and loudly, trying to catch a breath.

"Go slow," he instructed. "You are drinking for the first time.

Minutes later. "Wow, this tastes good!" I said, my eyes wide with astonishment. I grinned. I leaned back against the sofa and sipped the whisky again.

Suraj grinned back. "I wish you'd given me company earlier." He said in a husky voice. "I like your presence. Its intoxi --"

"Hold on, hold on." I interrupted. "You never offered me." He chuckled and agreed without hesitation.

"You are too bad!" I smiled.

Suraj smiled.

"And you are too good, Zoe!" he teased back.

"Then why do you hate me, hn?" "Because you are too good!" I stuck my tongue out.

"We need more ice," he said, frowning.

"Ah...sure." He followed me into the kitchen, as I opened the fridge and dropped two ice cubes in his glass. He leaned back against the slab and sipped the whisky with a satisfied "Ahhhh."

I rummaged the kitchen cabinet for something – anything to eat. I pouted.

"You carry on Suraj," I said saccharine sweetly, taking a large swallow from his glass. "Let me cook something." I winced.

"You come here to me." Suraj paused before me, with an outstretched arm. "I want to spend every minute with you. You leave me tomorrow." He sighed

"We are together tonight, but what does that change for you and me?" I said in a little more than a whisper.

I gave him a small smile.

"You are not cooking tonight." He managed to make his words both an order, and a matter-of-fact statement.

"Let's order something. What do you want?"

"Not sure what I want."

"You have to tell me, Zoe! I am not a mind-reader."

I sucked in my lower lip and seemed to ponder this a long time before I replied. "Ummm. Then, let's order Chinese food tonight!"

"Your wish is my command, honey!"

I slurped another large sip and stumbled forward and the whisky splashed all over him.

"Oh oh!"

"Zoe! I don't think you can handle this."

"I can handle everything, my dear husband!"

"He shook his head no."

"I nodded my head yes."

I pouted in offence and turned away.

"You," I said pointing my finger on his face, "are – a - liar. You said... my wish is your command." My lips turned into a sad frown involuntarily.

Suraj smiled. "If you remember, I said that for the food, my dear."

I scratched my head as if searching my brain.

"I don't remember," I said in a slurry tone.

"Please dial some good restaurant and I'll place the order." He gave me a half smile and handed over the phone. "It's ringing."

"Ok. Make me a drink. And make it large." I gesticulated with my hands.

He shook his head amused.

Hello, I would like your assistance in placing an order.

No Miss. You've dialed a wrong number.

Ok. I'd like to order some—

Ma'am, I said, this is a wrong number.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, my name is Zoe.

Hello? Zo --"

A pregnant pause.

Uhh...Zoe.

Yes.

Zoe, is there an emergency?

Hm...hm...Can you please help me with some delicious Chinese cuisine.

Is your husband around?

Yeah. Umm --we will go with chicken fried rice and chicken Manchurian. Suraj, is that it?

Okay. I get it, don't worry.

Do you know how long it will take?

I'll do something soon.

Yes, that's correct. Please make it really fast.

My address is....

Thanks. Bye.

I breathed in deeply and released it with slow exhalation.

"Honey," I called, "come and give me a last hug."

The door buzzed. "Wait," he smiled, clutching my arm. "Let me take the food." A self-satisfied smile curled my mouth as he opened the door.

"Hello there, you alright?" The Officer took a step in, casting a shadow over his face. Reality dawned upon Suraj. "Oh shit!" His jaw fell to the floor when he realized the egregiousness of the situation. He opened his eyes and pursed his lips. I wouldn't have been surprised if there were real flames coming out of his ears and nose.

Hours later, I sat in the police station, with Mrs Nadkarni by my side. Her brother who was the area inspector recorded my statement. My voice came in protracted gasps, unable to stabilize into coherent speech.

A complaint was lodged against Suraj for domestic violence allegations.

He was summoned inside the Officer's room. His eyes were the size of the saucers and he stared down into my face like a wounded deer.

"What? What the hell? When did I torture you . . . don't be ridiculous..." he stormed forward in a condescending outburst. The stony eyes that had been narrowed with aggravation suddenly turned wide with fury. "Lower your voice!" the Officer warned.

"Oh really, you didn't?" My blunt voice countered back. My lips flared a disingenuously malicious smirk as he looked at me flabbergasted. His mammoth disbelieving eyes blinked rapidly.

"No! I did not?" Suraj stammered an incoherent answer, "... Liar!!" He paused to draw a breath.

"You're being very unreasonable," he growled brusquely. The tightness of his jaw, the rigid line of his mouth, told of his displeasure all too clearly.

"We will see."

"What the. . ." he screamed in tooth-grinding rage. It was like I had poured hot coals on his head.

"You'll never be able to prove it. I will kill you if you do this." The venom in his voice could not be denied.

'So much for bargaining,' I thought.

The Officer grimaced at the sight of us glaring at one another. "Hey, hey, hey! Continue in that vein, and I'll add up charges against you!" he warned Suraj.

"Come on." said the officer pinning Suraj's arms. "A taste of lock up will teach you some lessons on respecting women." His amber eyes were boring into mine as he took a deep breath, his chest expanding before exhaling. "You can't arrest me. I know the law!"

"Hmm hmm! Very impressive! Then don't you know it is unlawful to abuse your wife?" said th officer.

"It's a trick, officer! This bitch is lying." Dark eyes, wild as an animal burned into me. I could see various emotions washing over his features. He took a menacing step toward me.

"I would choose my words very carefully, Mr Suraj," I said with mock nonchalance, "if I were in your place." My eyes never lost their twinkle, though they hardened noticeably.

"This is ridiculous Officer. I can guarantee you that this woman is just making stories." he retorted.

"If that is the truth," said the Officer, "prove it to me!"

Then Suraj's voice grew very quiet as he leaned towards the Officer. "What can I do to help you wrap this investigation up quick and quiet like?"

"You can answer our questions truthfully," the Officer stated.

"Get away from me!" he wrenched his arm away from a tight grip as he found himself being dragged forward.

"Baby," I stood up and whispered leaning forward, inches from his left ear, "Revenge is a dish best served cold, don't you think?"

"You'll pay for this." He grunted in a furious undertone.

"You —" I paused for effect "pay first." I flipped my hand in a dismissive wave.

Suddenly, like a slideshow, flashes of memories flooded me, bringing terror. Sucking in a deep breath, I shook my head, shoving the terror as far as I could. My mind reeled with sadness, but all I could manage was a nonchalant shrug. The twinkle left my eyes, and a tear dribbled down my cheek. I looked him right in the eye and hissed with an unmistakable undertone of belligerence in my voice.

"Oh! Take him away — for God's sake!" I lamented with a tremulous movement of my hands. "Please take him away! I can't bear the sight of this man!"

The officer leaned forward, "You have nothing to fear from him, ma'am."

I turned to look at him before stepping outside the police station. A stare of incredulity had replaced the authoritative look. It grew more pronounced when I send him a quick defiant wink.

A self-satisfied smile curled my lips. I smiled, a smile of triumph.

A few months back, I'd just begged and cried over my current predicament. But I was a totally different person now! A stronger one. Someone who would live boldly and bloom.

I slumped in the chair on reaching home and took a deep breath. I slid my hand over my belly.

"Sorry, baby. You can rest now." I said murmuring reassuring whispers to the one person who filled my life with hope.

My eyes fell on his cell phone. Perhaps in all the confusion, Suraj had left it at home.

I called my mom. I heard myself ask in a small voice. "Mom....how's Papa?" My hands shook, but I strove to keep my voice even.

Silence.

My stomach lurched and I waited in trepidation.

"Mom! Tell me, please." I stopped breathing. "How was the surgery?"

There was a hushed moment. "It was fine, dear," she responded.

Her voice was almost expressionless but I could hear the tears in my mother's voice. There was a pregnant pause, but at length, in a sorrowful tone, she said, "It was a massive heart attack with various complications." I could detect in her voice, the tears she was holding back.

"He kept calling your name."

"I'm sorry....I did not know....No one told me."

"Noone told you!"

With a modicum of control back in my voice, I growled in frustration. "Yes. I was not informed."

I sniveled and stared uncomprehendingly at some spot in the room. Oh, I pined for him so badly! The memory of my father was the thought of the first radiant hours of a morning. The regret was apparent in my voice. My pulse was pounding, causing an ache that encompassed my head.

"Mom, please have Bhai book the first flight to Delhi. Tell him to call me on this number and inform me. The earliest flight—do you hear me?"

The next words were locked in my throat. "I'm coming home," I added this last bit and meant every word.

"Oh! Are you okay?" Her voice was scarcely more than a whisper.

"I...I am fine!"

"But," I hiccoughed for breath, "do not tell Papa about this - he's unwell."

"Hmm." My mom sighed – a sigh of sorrow and regret. She understood each tone to my voice. She had always been my closest confidante and I just couldn't wait to pour my heart out to her.

'My parents would be truly so saddened from this,' I thought. My father would be shattered if I'd pull back the veil on all deceptions and ambiguities.

I sat collecting my thoughts with trepidation, not sure of what awaited me. I frowned, wondering if I would ever regain my equilibrium.

I looked out the window as lightning flashed, melding an oncoming storm.

The doorbell rang, echoing through the house eerily.

Once again fear had found me. It had made my legs go weak, my stomach to lurch. I had no idea what was about to happen. My mind raced untamed. I glanced helplessly. My tongue felt dry; a weird whistling sound came out of me, like the wind stuck in between trees.

When the doorbell rang again, it was for a much longer period. I felt the ringer's persistence, and panic rippled through every cell of my body. Another flash of lightning and accompanying thunder crash ensued.

Then Silence.

Minutes passed.

"He's gone. It's over." I exhaled deeply against the agonizing pain that clouded my senses.

I knew I had to escape the claustrophobic confines of these four walls. Time was running out and I had to get away during the period he would be under interrogation at the police station.

After I collected myself together, I started packing for my departure.

Hours later, I drew a tremulous breath while rummaging through my purse. I stood there puzzled for a minute. Minute followed minute. For a long time I watched breathlessly, unable to believe the evidence of my own.

Realization hit me with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer. I bit my trembling lower lip. The emergency cash that I'd kept secretly in a pocket was missing. All my money and valuable jewelry were gone. My eyes opened wide in incredulous horror, as I searched for the oversized handbag where I had accumulated all my savings as part of my escape plan.

I yanked at the clothes, letting them fall carelessly to the ground. My clothes fell with a soft sigh to the ground as I rummaged through their folds. I needed some money to get out of this living hell. I desperately prowled around; every wallet was empty. I dug through the piles furiously for my debit card.

The Scoundrel! I swallowed hard, gulping in vain against the lump of dread stuck there. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment as a scream of primal rage tore from me

"You've landed me in a whole world of shit, Suraj," I said grimly. As I thought of the man, I shook my head angrily. My eyes were wide in an expression of incredulity tinged with horror. My back was now against the wall and I frantically searched my mind for an answer.

Suddenly I realized the gravity and magnitude of the situation. I had no money to even reach the airport! 'Oh, God! Oh, my God! What more will you do to me? What will happen to me now? Oh God, now what?' An apprehensive alarm suddenly fluttered in my chest. I waited for my heart to catch up with me, to sound a warning chime. But there was nothing.

I took a big gulp of air and goose bumps erupted on my arms and body. My legs suddenly felt unsteady and without warning I crumpled to the floor, tucking my legs up close to my body and holding my head in my hands. Then allowing myself to be completely emotionally weak and tuning out my surroundings for a moment, I sat still. The only sound that issued from inside the ears was my own breathing.

My instincts were screaming at me to hurry and get away. Far away. Now.

But how?

I wasn't sure how long I sat there that way, in my own little world. I saw nothing in my mind's eye except Suraj -- looking at me was a savage face, bearing an enormous grin. He seemed to be almost laughing at me, mocking, pleased by my uneasiness. 'God damn you to hell!'

His caricature always looked like that at me; with just a sneer on the face – taunting me; its grin wider than ever. I could hear him laughing maniacally.

'UUGHH!' I groaned, smacking my palm into my forehead, 'Shut up. Shut up!' I hissed at myself.

'Calm down! calm down! calm down! calm down,' I kept chanting to myself as I knelt beside my bed and propped my head on my hands. I wouldn't allow myself to devolve into a panic.

'You just can't lose it like this,' I told myself, taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly.

I reached for the phone.

"Don't worry. I'll transfer the money over in the next hour." My brother assured. That put me at ease. I let out a sigh, sinking back into bed.

My stomach's rumbling broke through my self-imposed shutdown. I instinctively reached out and patted my belly. 'The baby needs you to eat.' I reminded myself. My focus shifted to the window. The rain was coming down in torrents. The streets were virtually deserted on this rainy weeknight.

I sat in a numb blind stupor staring blankly into space for hours, voided of all life, as the rain poured down from the sky like a never ending waterfall. Another rumble of the stomach and I walked to the kitchen barefoot, leaning against the walls to steady myself. I made myself a quick cheese sandwich, grabbed some chips and was temporarily satiated.

A sound of the door opening jolted me. For a second, it sounded far away. I inclined my head sideways, listening to see if I would hear it again. I sat up, the reconstruction eddying around me. My heart and breath stopped at the same time.

It was...it was...

'Suraj! Suraj!' My mind echoed through the silent house. Only he had the duplicate keys.

I shrugged off the strangling sense of impending doom. There was now no hope, no reprieve and no salvation. My goal now was to save myself and my baby from this predator. I looked frantically around.

'This is an emergency, Zoe! Don't panic! Be calm.'

'Just breathe, I told myself firmly.'

'Breathe.'

I rushed and switched off all the lights and headed to grab the first thing that might serve as a weapon. As I rummaged, my thoughts boomeranged back to my innocent baby whose life he had taken earlier. The memory of that day flooded back to my mind.

I pictured the devil's gleaming face and gritted my teeth as my eyes wandered over to Suraj's desk and I knew instantly what I needed. I picked up his most expensive ink pen, inserted it in the hip-pocket of my jeans and hid behind the couch.

A flash of lightning tore through the night sky, illuminating the silhouette of a black clad man. The night no longer offered concealment of the hideous monster. My eyes widened momentarily with the hatred I saw inside his eyes. I felt my soul shattering into millions of pieces. My eyes rolled back, exposing only the whites, and I felt I would black out as the sphere vanished.

It was . . . he.

I knew he was there; I could sense his presence.

A voice came out from the darkness: "Zooeee!! I'm back, honey!" I flinched at the insidious undertone of Suraj's voice.

The muscles in my belly contracted as he switched on the lights and grabbed me by the arms. I stared at him like a mannequin in a department window, a picture of unblinking eyes.

Hauling me to my feet, he led me to the bedroom. Incipient violence emanated from his stance. He pushed me back on the bed, landing on top of me. My throat felt parchment-dry, as I met the icy look he bestowed on me. I had seen this look before.

"L—look Suraj, if you come near me. I will! I will — at the top of my voice! Get away from me!" My forehead scrunched up and my eyes squinted.

"Hush-sh-sh!"

"Girl, you just made the biggest mistake of your short, useless life." He grinned within his own devious smirk. "Want to know why I am doing this?" His big clump of pretzeled lips unstrapped a menacing smile.

"My revenge....served hot. You still have to "learn'." His tone held an urgent warning.

The excited glint in his eye told me exactly what kind of lesson he intended me to learn.

For a moment I could only stare, too stunned for speech. Then his face changed, so quickly that I could just blink at the surge of his rage. He sauntered forward to sit on top of me, his legs on either side of my waist, pinning my arms to the side. His grip on my wrist was like two steel clamps! He bore his weight into my middle.

My head swiveled around, but I couldn't budge from his grasp. I couldn't move my hands, couldn't do anything. I looked around, feeling a wild desperation to get out of the trap.

Suraj laughed at my futile struggles. "Get off me, you bastard!"

His tongue extended out of his mouth as he slowly licked the corner of his lips, and a gulping sound could be heard coming from his throat.

His annihilatory eyes stared at me, as his hands came up around my neck, squeezing and choking me. I struggled against him. My throat felt dry. I felt every wisp of air knocked from my lungs. My breathing was wheezy and labored and I felt my very existence was being extinguished.

"I hate you, Suraj. Get off....You devil... Sick. You are sick!" I whined faintly.

My vision started to blur around the edges and I lurched dizzily. I could barely see him standing before me now. Just shadows. Dark, menacing shadows.

"Hahahaha!" He let out a wild laugh as he released my neck and slumped beside me. He looked pleased with himself, his chin was tucked, a tiny smile played at his lips. My face scrunched in a determined pout and my eyes took on a wild vindictiveness. I twisted my face to the right, clamping down to his forearm with my teeth. He screamed and cursed.

I felt my stomach tighten in defense. I wouldn't let this criminal crush him this time. There would be no one else to pick up the pieces, so I couldn't let myself crumble. I would do it for my baby, if not for myself. My child would not go to death quietly. Silently I pledged my life to the baby.

Shouted my baby from the womb, "I'm alive, I'm breathing." 'Come on', urged some part of my mind. 'You have the power to end it all right here and now.'

I was hyperventilating. Grudgingly, I glared at the monster with fire in my eyes and an angry retort seemed to hover upon my lips.

"Stop it," I yelled fiercely. "I warn you!" He seemed bemused by this.

Reduced to a trembling mess, I gasped, my head swimming so much that it was an effort to keep it upright. I suddenly felt the curdled coil of nausea, wind its way up my throat from the stomach. Unsteady, in the midst of the whirling room — I vomited finally cutting off the horrible laughter that had continued to rape my mind. I had never thrown up with so much force.

Suraj's eyes widened into saucers, and his eyeballs started bulging out. His entire face turned beet red at the splattering grotesque chunks of undigested sandwich and chips. His countenance clouded in disgust as he sprang back, battling at me furiously. He frantically released me and his loud cursing proved his repulsion. I was gratified to notice that his attention had waivered.

I didn't waste a single second. I pulled myself to my feet. Looking around the room, I grabbed the closest object, a glass paperweight, and hurled it at him. He immediately ducked under the crushing blow. He rolled over, stunned from the force of the unexpected attack.

"You," he roared through his teeth with such force that I staggered hard back against the floor.

Suddenly he started to laugh like a deranged lunatic. "Any last words, my helpless lamb?"

And he lifted his leg to lash out on me with full strength, with the swing of his shoes. I instinctively crouched down, hugging my belly, trying to protect my unborn child. In anticipation of excruciating pain, I let out a horrifying scream. His foot came closer to stump me in the stomach.

"Suraj! STOP!" I screamed. "I... I'm pregnant!" My voice turned shrill.

The foot stopped an inch short.

"I-am-PREGNANT!" I pleaded; my words almost fell out in a whine. I whimpered, hoping my blatant pathetic reaction would earn some sympathy from my crazy husband.

"What the hell!" he hissed through clenched teeth. His nostrils flared as he continued to breathe heavily, as though he was barely restraining himself from assaulting me. Running a hand through his hair, he groaned. "Dammit!!"

He thought another moment then shook his head. "You are lying!" He breathed in an exasperated tone.

Silence hung in the air a long while before he glared back hatefully at me, enough to elicit a shiver. "I want none of you." "No! I cried.

"If that thing still lives, then I want to be the one that crushes

it."

I recoiled and the onset of dehumanization knocked. 

## Chapter 22

S

uraj's voice rumbled ineloquently, "Take those stinking clothes off and freshen up. I'm waiting for you in the car. And I really am not going to tell you twice."

A thousand bees buzzed inside me, swarming around my mind for the meaning of the message I read in his dark orbs. It was like peeking in through a darkened doorway. Fear took over my body at the thought of what he would do to me. It sounded like there was some plan was festering within him. Or, most hideously, this had been the plan all along.

"I am not," I clipped categorically, "going anywhere." I breathed deeply, trying desperately to exorcise the fiendish ache in my bones. I held his stare without saying a word.

"Don't make me come up there and drag you." He warned.

My eyes followed the movements of the man who was now pacing the room with the impatient stride of a caged beast of prey. Up and down the room he stomped, backwards and forward from wall to wall, as one driven by some mad spirit of unrest, muttering words of rage between his clenched teeth, possessed by some persistent thought.

This is dangerous. You shouldn't listen to him. My heart was screaming warnings at me when he walked up with two giant strides and held my wrist. I fought for release from the imposing iron grip that bruised my soft wrist. Before I could contemplate a move, I was compelled to follow the savage aggressor. Hoisting me onto my feet, he corralled me into the shower and turned it on. "You filth!" he muttered. Now clean up and come out.

"I repeat, I am not going anywhere." I retaliated swiftly, feigning confidence, after a change of clothes. His eyes narrowed with anger at my defiance. I could feel his gaze penetrating my skin, as I stood before him.

All semblance of courage evaporated, as he dragged me towards the car parking.

"Help!" I screamed as I reached the door. "Please, please!" I hollered, with dread in my voice. "POLICE! SOMEBODY HELP!" I screamed in fear as if to alert the neighbours to my predicament.

"Whe-where are we going?" I shouted, as his clawing hand clutched my wrist. "We are going for a small drive." Suraj's face was a blank canvas, unreadable but insanity shone clearly in his eyes.

An awful, tense silence was broken by my voice as he hurled me in the car. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I hissed.

Rain ran in rivulets down the glass. I heard thunder rolling and saw a flash of lightning in the dark street. 'When did the full darkness descend?' I wondered. 'And why did it feel so close, so threatening to my heart? Why was there an overwhelming feeling of familiarity with the current situation?'

The darkness painted a silhouette with two protruding wicked eyes. A final glance at his furious eyes confirmed my possible outcome. He was going to punish me. My stomach churned in trepidation at what Suraj was about to do. 'Would he take me to the cremation ground again?' I wondered. "You beast, just let me go!" I pleaded.

"Enough. Shut up!" The words quietly seeped through the sounds of violence. The ensuing silence was instantly supplanted by my own gasps for air. The thumping grew louder. It was own heart, I realized. I could hear the swoosh of blood as my temples throbbed with a loudness that grew deafening as any storm. My stomach began making loud noises.

Tears of anxiety rolled down my cheeks as I tried to turn to the right or the left. Anything to stop . . . Out there was only darkness and an occasional glimpse of something blacker than black, flapping towards me. Cold, dreaded shock seized every nerve of my body. My brain was floundering in a mist of uncertainty as I asked, "Why are you doing this Suraj?" With every passing second, I felt a heartbeat lodged in my throat.

"Because you "still' have not suffered enough." A cruel tantalising little smile hovered on his half-open lips. He reminded me of a cat amusing itself with prey, teasing it before pouncing for the final kill.

The man's eyes narrowed into slits of meanness, whilst burning tears of humiliation welled up into my eyes.

The car zoomed across the seldom-used back roads, splashing through puddles, dodging through trees and ducking through slippery paths. Suddenly, without warning, he slammed on the breaks and spun around, quickly accelerating and flying past the sidewalk. I threw a worried glance into the abandoned hedges that loomed on either side of the road. I was in the car with the madman. Trapped!

"Suraj!" I screamed feeling my chest constraint. I bellowed in emotional pain and as I cried out, my agonized wails echoed around me.

He narrowed his eyes and lowered his voice to a menacing growl. "I am going to throw both of you down the cliff." It was the dragon, coiled and breathing forth fire and slaughter.

The devil was right – "You can run, but you never can hide." His words echoed in my ears like the frightful howl of a hungry wolf. He looked at me with downcast eyes like a wolf looking at a carcass he wanted nothing to do with. The need for sense for self-preservation piqued my senses.

A truck whipped past, spraying water and making Suraj flinch. That was all I needed. Taking advantage of the split second, I reached for the pen from my back pocket. My weapon was ready! Pivoting my weight to my right hip, I let loose my attack. Anchoring a point, three inches above his knee, I plunged the entire length of the metal tip into his thigh. His eyes bulged with an excruciating pain as the weapon penetrated deep into his artery.

"Ahhhhhhhhh-Ohhhhhhhhhhh!" came a mournful wail from across the air. There was a deep gash on the thigh and it was leaking blood everywhere.

He slewed the steering wheel to the left and then to the right and back again. Grimly he gripped the steering wheel tighter. "Hit the brakes! Brakes!" I screamed.

Suraj gave me a contemptuous look and gritted his teeth. "So that you can jump out, huh!" He lunged at me giving an extremely disdainful and tepid laugh as contempt flashed in his eyes. "Your games are useless against me! Completely useless!"

Instead of slamming his foot down on the brake, his leg went on the accelerator and the car went zooming at full speed. My hand involuntarily flew up to cover my mouth and I squelched a moment's trepidation. My head span faster than a helicopter blade.

"I don't want to look at your god-damned pathetic face anymore," he bellowed in pure rage. "I will kill you now!"

"You've already done that on our wedding day." I said in anguish.

The eyes that were angry and vicious before, were now staring at me with a strange, unreadable expression.

He made a hoarse noise like he was trying to speak something.

"Watch Out!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Suddenly my pupils contracted painfully, and my eyelids tried to slam shut, as headlights silhouetted straight into my eyes. My eyes stung and I held up my hands to blur the oncoming headlights cutting through the thick, whirling pellets of incessant rain, not ten feet from me. They were coming towards me; slicing more painfully into my eyes to swallow me alive. I screamed but the headlights kept coming inexorably, relentlessly towards me, so fast, so very fast.

Suraj glanced at me for the space of a slow, tense heartbeat. "Go!" He yanked the door open and shoved me out of the vehicle. A horrendous howl of metal exploded in my mind, tearing me through like a shrapnel. A clangor of pain struck in my head making it twirl into dizzy circles. My knees buckled and I felt as if a mule had kicked me in the ribs. My stomach plummeted. I let out a blood curling scream and a deafening silence enveloped me like an extra-large coat.

*****

Lights danced before my eyes, swirling and twirling before shooting out of sight. My head felt strange as if it floated above me. I heard my father's voice at a distance, soft and comforting.

Waking up was like emerging from the deep water. I was lying in a hospital room trying to figure out why I was even there. I looked at my hands and noticed an IV stuck in my left forearm. The left side of my head throbbed in pain.

The world around me was a myriad of convoluted images and high-pitched bizarre sounds. All sorts of questions flew through my waking brain. 'What? How? Since when?' I frowned, sifting at the myriad of convoluted images that spiralled up and down like slides in a kaleidoscope. Raging high-pitched sounds echoed in my ears. My mind worked around for coherent thoughts. My brain crashed in befuddlement.

"Whe-where am-"

"Sshhh . . . Rest now"

"But, I-"

"Wh . . . where is . . . my . . . my Baby! My Baby!" I repeated like a chant.

Wait a minute. My eyes stared up with perplexity. Two very concerned faces stood staring at me.

"Mom! Papa!!" I could hear the amplified echo of my own voice. I couldn't smile because the abrasions on my face hurt, but there was a smile inside.

My mother's voice penetrated the dark. Her calm and soothing voice was saying something soft and low. She held my hand and stroked my hair.

My eyes rolled around and I squinted, trying to see what was going on. My father simply stared. He kept a straight face, but I knew his emotions were imploding. For a frozen moment, he looked away from me, seeing the fixed, feral stare of my pale eyes.

I looked apprehensively at my father. "Papa?" The muscles of his chin trembled like a small child – and when, at last, he turned his face towards me -- he was a picture of vulnerability and devastation. It was the face of a man consumed by grief,

I swallowed as a wave of guilt surrounded me. "Thank you God!" I kept whispering, half to him and half to myself. He brushed a strand of hair from my face and putting his hand on the back of my head and looked down at me. He stroked my hair softly, telling me it was okay and I was safe. There was a certain magic about his voice which seemed like music to my ears! My face, my entire rigid body telegraphed fear -- a fear so great that I lay shivering in his arms, my cheek pillowed against his shoulder.

"Papa!" my articulation was thick and stammering.

I'm sorry!

Shh!

Where am I?

You're in the hospital.

Hospital?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Noooooooooooooo!

He will kill my baby! Pl....ee...ase... Don't kill my body.

Zoe! Nobody can kill your baby.

The baby is safe. My Baby...is...s-s-safe Safe.

Why am I here?

You met with an accident with a truck. (Gulp) By the grace of God, you are untouched.

Accident?

What accident?

Don't worry.

What about him?

Who?

The devil.

He is where he should be.

Was he hurt?

Maybe.

How did I reach here?

The ambulance brought you here on that day.

Which day?

Silence _._

Papa pressed one kiss to my forehead. His healing touch warmed my heart and I felt secure for that moment. His eyes were empty, unfocussed as if his soul were dead. His eyes were suffused with tears as he hugged me weeping like he had never done before. Hugs. Just hugs. Not trying to cheer me up or take away the pain. Just hugs.

"Mama, take me home," I sobbed. "Please take me home, I don't want to stay here." I was defeated, truly alone now. Sadness oozed from my eyes. She put her arms around me and whispered, "Let me take all your pain away."

"When will you take me home," I cried impatiently turning to her.

"Perhaps --" began Mom.

"No, no!" I cried; "I don't want any "perhaps."

"I . . . I . . . don't want any perhaps!" More tears tried spilling from my closed eyes. It was as if my tear ducts were working overtime.

Mom quickly held me tighter. "Calm down!" she answered, without the slightest hesitation. "We will go back, very soon." She gave me an encompassing hug.

"What time is it?" I asked wearily.

She didn't reply, she only pulled me closer.

"I'm going back to sleep," I murmured with my back towards all fears and feeling my warm body resting against her arms.

The hospital room had an air of brooding quietude. A single drafty window overlooking the hospital parking gave me a view of the world. I lay in a state of semi-wakefulness gazing at my palms. I was closely tethered to the beeping machines that surrounded my bed.

After what seemed like weeks, a pair of outstretched hands helped me to my feet from the hospital bed, clutching me tightly. "Finally!" I thought, with a sigh of relief.

I heard a low whistle from Papa's mouth as he blew out a breath, each time I lost my balance. He looked up into my eyes and asked in a soft voice, "Ready?"

"Ready." I managed to stammer.

"Be careful," said a low voice behind me.

Traffic was thick as we wended our way to the airport. I sat in the rear seat not talking, and neither was anyone else. Inside me, there was silence, nothing but silence-dead silence. I leaned my head against the window as I let the quiet of my mind envelop me.

"Zoe! Zoe!"

There was someone calling my name over and over again, in the darkness. I recognized the voice. It was the last voice I had ever expected to hear again. The last voice I wanted to hear.

Suddenly, there was a white ball of light in the centre of my vision.

A thoughtful frown lined my forehead. I moaned, as the light got brighter and brighter, until a familiar face came into focus, mocking me with his presence.

He was back!

I shook my head in denial, my face a frozen mask of dread. My eyes fixed their gaze on his hands. He had hands made for fighting, yet those hands carried death. My breath faltered as he petted my hair before grasping the back of my head. I took a few deep, clearing breaths.

"Zoe! Wh..what?" It was my Mom's voice.

"I... was... he came... finished... with... the... throat..." I trailed off. Then I remembered what had brought me hither.

My mother laid a gentle hand on my arm.

"Was it a dream?"

"It was a nightmare." I sighed. "And his name was Suraj." Tears curtained my eyes.

"No crying," Papa said, wagging a finger at me.

"No crying." I promised.

I shook off the distasteful remnants of the dream as I hauled myself on my feet.

"Zoe..." Mom asked, concern resonating in her voice. "Are you okay to walk?"

"Yeah," I whispered, closing my eyes before letting myself out of the car.

"Ouch!" Rubbing my throbbing knees, I struggled to my feet. I gave myself a push and hauled myself forward. My right leg trembled on the next step. I gritted my teeth, willing my stubborn legs to keep on.

Mom held me tight. "Please be careful. . ." she said, stroking my arm. "We're nearly there, sweetie."

I could only manage a nod, the simple effort of it seemed to weigh me down.

"Just take it easy," Mom murmured, "slow and steady."

Papa was uncharacteristically quiet. A quick glance at him told me he was struggling to maintain a calm composure. His eyes followed me like a sunflower that follows every moment of the sun. I scanned his face and was surprised to see the intense fear behind his eyes. I gave him a forced smile which did not return. He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

The walk to the airport lounge seemed sempiternal. I was deliriously tired. I sighed with relief as I flopped into the oversized seat of the airport lounge. I kneaded my throbbing temples with my fingertips.

I gazed out at the runway in meditative contemplation. After a few minutes, I closed my eyes allowing myself to resume a less tense demeanour.

My thoughts hovered and I drifted off, dreaming of warmth, of billowing snow-white clouds swirling around me like cotton candies. I saw a curly – headed cloud that pressed the end of its nose against the cloud. Focusing my eyes on him with difficulty, I trembled with a mingled sensation joy and penitence.

He so strikingly resembled the silhouette of a face I had envisioned months earlier! My lips parted in stunned disbelief.

'Eh –' I gulped.

My baby!

'This couldn't be!' I covered my mouth with my hand, letting out a heart-wrenching wail. Shaking my head, I closed my eyes. The world felt like it was tilting precariously on its axis and was spinning erratically.

'My Baby, with his toothless smile!' I couldn't stop staring.

My bosom swelled with exultation. He was so perfect... absolutely flawless.

'Oh My God! The little cherubic face!'

I melted into tears. My baby angel has not left.

'Just for once, please, come to me, baby.' I pleaded in desperation.

'Very soon Mommy!' There was a smile on his dear, fat little face, as he stuck out his lower lip.

'Oh, I could see him wave goodbye!'

My face lit up and I smiled from ear to ear watching my Angel journey back home through the skies.

"Zoe! Zoe!"

A familiar voice came to me, faint at first but rapidly growing stronger. My eyes moved from bright cosmic lights to shadowy forms, in the dim outer reaches of the surroundings. "Zoe! What's the matter? What's wrong, sweetheart?" I bolted upright.

"Oh! Mom, it's you!"

"You okay?" she asked, looking down at me with concern. I looked around blankly.

"Are you okay?" she asked again, as she put her hand on my back.

"It's okay. It's fine. . . . I'm okay."

"It's time."

My eyes were fixed on the floor and I was noticeably trembling. I grunted as Mom helped me to my feet. I inhaled deeply, the exhale coming out shaky. She held me tight by the waist as I rested my hand on her shoulders.

A toddler stopped by and stared at me for a few seconds. He then looked up at his mother with a questioning look.

Mom?

Why is that lady not walking on her own?

Because she needs support?

But why does she needs support?

Because her legs are weak.

Weaker than mine?

Hm. Probably.

_Oh, poor little --_ He faltered and stopped in mid-sentence, mouth hanging open.

Huh?

"-- Lamb." I completed.

The word alone cut me deep.

'Zoe,' urged a voice in my head, 'Get going!!' 'Yes.' I calloused between convulsive breaths.

My eyes moved to Mom and addressing her with a grave expression, I said, "I think I am capable of walking myself." Mom glanced at me in consternation.

"Alright," she responded, after a perceptible hesitation.

"Let me hold your hand." She offered, reaching a hand out to me.

"I said I'll be fine." I replied a little abrasively.

I looked into her eyes and saw gentle concern dominating her expression. I felt her soft fingers brushing damp hair out of my eyes, and she took a deep shuddering breath.

Two steps forward, I staggered.

Then I started to walk, and I didn't look back.
268 | _End of Endurance_
