 
### Table of Contents

Title Page

Introduction

Chapter 1 - Golfing Jokes

Her First Birdie

Couples Tournament

Private Course

Lucky Golfer **

Big Sacrifice

I've Been Hit

A Little Bit Embarrassed

Bad Timing *

A Fair Reward

I've Got to Take a Call

Never Again

Lucky Frog

Bad Language *

Lost Track

Heart Attack

Let Me Hit

Get a Grip **

I've Got a Secret

Something You Should Know

Errant Ball

Golf Injury

Now That's Respect

Have a Ball

Slow Play

Heavenly Golf

How Do You Spell Success

Real Passion

You Don't Understand

New Rules

You've Been Golfing

Fully Loaded Volvo *

It's a Sin

Bad Shot

Amazing Golf Ball

The Big Golf Match

High Stakes Game

Failing Eyesight

The Golf Fanatic

Painful Bee Sting

Top Notch Condition

Can You Spare Two Bucks

Lawyers Playing Golf

Beginner's Luck

Deep Ravine

Serious Golfer

May I Play Through?

Great Shot

A Healthy Walk

Lucky Leprechaun

Rules for Bedroom Golf **

When in Japan **

Dangerous City Streets

The Perfect Golf Shot

Robot Caddy *

Blind Golfers

Golf Genie

Blonde Golfers

Four Old Golfers

What Would Tiger Do?

Golfing Groom

Eighty Year Old Golfer

Thrifty Obituary

Golf Balls

Three Old Golfers

How Many Riders?

The Afterlife

Shower Room Scandal

Golf Lessons *

Deadly Golf Shot

Canine Caddy

The Optimist

Hit the Ball and Pray

Church or Golf?

Do Anything You Want

Golfing Miracle

What Should We Do?

Friendly Golf

Jungle Golf

Chapter 2 - Heaven & Hell Jokes

Three Horrible Deaths

Politicians and Popes

Final Flings

Engineer in Hell

Special Days

Simple Entrance Exam

Famous Last Words

Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

Bill Gates and St. Peter

Just Rewards

Cat in Heaven

Clinton in Heaven

Wall of Clocks

Worried Sick

What's Wrong Now?

Entering Heaven

Not as Nice as Texas

No Special Privileges

Final Justice

Got You Beat *

Just Checked In

Devine Matrimony

Admission Test

Christmas Dispensation

Hog Heaven

Baseball in Heaven

Seems Like Home

Three Choices

Bound for Heaven

Heaven and Hell Compared

Not as Good as it Looks *

Generous Lawyer

The Performance Scale

Important Answers

Ladder to Success ***

What is Easter?

Unfair Punishment

An Important Decision

I'm Not Afraid

A Painful Ordeal *

Exothermic or Endothermic?

Clinton in Hell **

Zebra in Heaven

Back from the Dead

Unexpected Guests

Separate Quarters

The Key to Heaven **

Is That You Father?

Gay in the Hereafter *

A Shorter Line

The Afterlife

What's Over the Cliff?

Heavenly Language

Special Treatment

Capitalist or Communist Hell?

Three Heads of State

Deadly Golf Shot

The Biker Gang

Biker in Heaven

Contract with the Devil

The Lawyer's Appeal

Three Dead Bikers

Theology of Health

Interviews with God

Chapter 3 - Hobo & Drunk Jokes

The Old Bar Fly *

Cold and Lonely

You Look Familiar

Toilet Training

Free Drink Routine ***

When Does the Bar Open?

Strange Dreams *

Cheap Booze

Can You Spare Two Bucks?

Paint the Porch

Foolproof Approach *

There's Plenty for Everyone

Bad Shortcut

Road Kill Special *

Drunken Confession

No Place to Sleep

Rooms Under Repair

Fellow Veteran

Two Beggars

What's Going On?

Lay Them on the Bar **

Won Big in Vegas

No Doze

Moon or the Sun?

Hobo Lion Tamer

I Want Her Back Again

Can't Find My Car

A Round for the House

Sense of Smell *

Discerning Drinker

Drunk and Ugly

The Ghost Car

Drunk and Disorderly

Call Me an Ambulance

Shall We Dance?

Custom Tattoos

Too Drunk to Serve

A Stranger in Need

What a Relief

Horny Old Drunks

Get in Your Pants *

A Dribble Martooni

Two Forks and a Straw *

Chapter 4 - Hooker & Stripper Jokes

What a Deal *

Hard to Resist **

Comparing Notes

Take a Tip from Me *

The Shy Guy *

The Price is Right

To Put it Another Way *

Night Court

A Misunderstanding

Something You Should Know

First Liberty ***

The Contest ***

Let's Cut to the Chase *

Lucky Roll

Successful Son

A Sensible Solution

The Truth Hurts *

Pass it Along *

Blonde Cowboy

The Union House

Taking Care of the Troops

Afflicted with Arthritis

Too Young to Understand

Turn About is Fair Play

Brilliant Observation **

Extremely Bad Luck

Monk Test of Purity

Meet the Family

Good Retort **

The Happy Koala **

Excessive Blood Loss

Embarrassing Situation

A Survey Discrepancy

A Room for the Night

Nursing Home Quickie **

Turn to Stone

A Strange Routine

Sisters of Mercy Brothel

I Want Natalie

Buying Oranges **

When in Japan **

A Boy and His Duck *

On Hard Times

The Vegas Hooker **

Elite Chicken Farmer **

Going to Las Vegas

The Communist Brothel

Keeping Score

Additional Income

Rooms Under Repair

It Pays to Advertise

Any Way You Want

A Strange Gift

Dave's Birthday

Space for Rent **

Traveling Trucker

I'm a Little Nervous *

Not Up to the Task

Bruised and Bleeding *

Custom Tattoos

Furniture Salesmen *

Return to Sender

Kids on the Firing Line

Chapter 5 - Hotel & Motel Jokes

Sunbathing on the Roof

The Hotel Bellboy

Are Dogs Allowed?

Blonde Stewardess Trainee

A Room for the Night

Made to Order

Fiftieth Anniversary

Don't Bug Me

Honeymoon in Hawaii

Your Breakfast Sir **

Robotic Motel **

I'm Going Back to Italy *

The Bedbug Incident

Thrown Out of Bed

Forgot My Room Number

Fruits of Love *

Am I Your First?

The Hat Check Girl

No Vacancy

Two Hotel Maids

Exciting Experiences *

Very Expensive Hotel

Sly Old Groom

Room Service

Excuse Me Ma'am *

So How Did it Go? *

Chapter 6 - Hunting & Trapping Jokes

The New Hunter

Pulling in an Easy Buck

New Rifle Scope **

Hunting for a Lawyer

Rattle the Windows

The Old Explorer

Migratory Bird Tags

Redneck First Aid

Moose Hunters

Bad Experiences

Redneck Elk Hunters

Fearless Bear Hunters

Duck Hunting Doctors

Lost Blonde Hunters

The Blonde Wolf

The Gay Grizzly Bear ***

Big Game Hunter **

Redneck Duck Hunters

Blonde Deer Hunter

Nasty Game Warden

Smart Hunting Dogs *

Impressive Hunting Dog

Defective Bird Dog

Deer Nuts

Kids on the Firing Line

Chapter 7 - Kid & School Jokes

Poverty

Pedro and Rosetta

Sandbox Envy

Just Hanging Out

Size Does Count **

Who's Most Important

Under the Veranda

All Aboard

World's Fasest Dog

Understanding Women

Busted

Playing Cards **

What Does Your Dad Do? *

Get Out of My Class

Special Day at School **

Birthday Presents

The Baby Brother **

Not the Mortgage **

Going to Get Married

Hard to Keep Down *

I'll Be Careful

My Goldfish *

Indefinitely **

Good Thinking

Sex Education *

Taste Test

Powder My Nose

Old Pecan Tree

Not More Bad News

Too Much Chicken

The Tractor

Good Solution

Just a Small Fib

Identity Crisis

Dead Frog

Dire Consequences

Little Leprechaun

Entering Heaven

Retirement

Lend a Helping Hand

Everyone's Busy

Crap for Christmas

Persistence

Not Old Enough *

Not the Cow *

Check it Out

Dark in Here

Pass it Along *

Johnny's New Bike

Fruitful Description

Collar on Backwards

Tight Boots

Not to Worry

Too Young to Understand

Accelerated Promotion **

Too Close for Comfort

Bad Brothers

No Big Deal

Who are These For?

Breakfast Orders

Toy Town Trash *

Bathtub Anxieties

I'm Really Thirsty

She's a Real Doll

It's Alright Mommy

Very Suspect

Patient Mother

Whatcha Got There?

Do Your Chores First

Christmas Cookies

I'm Going to be Sick

The Fastest Dad

Penance by the Numbers **

Getting into Your Part

Strange Diet **

Scary Storm

What is Sex?

Exciting Punctuation

Sand Box Squabble

Really Bad Coffee

Where is He Today?

Rough Treatment **

If I Had My Choice

Listen to This

Smart Son

Just Like a Woman

Late for School

Stand Up Stupid

Father's Occupation

Early Dismissal

Not a Problem

Practice What You Preach **

As the Worm Turns

Get Out of My Church

Young Texans

Political Puppies

Money from God

Saving the President

A Valentine for Osama

Won for Sure

A Good Example

Smart Pills

Smoke Rings

Presents for the Teacher

Important Life Lesson *

Christmas Coercion

Annoyed Bus Driver

A Fascinating Lesson *

It's Worth a Try **

Spiders Mating

Killing Flies

Did God Make You?

General and the Brat

A Message for Santa

Two New Words *

Makes Big Money

Are You Alright?

Lucky Johnny ***

Mommy's Busy

Valiant Service

Chicken Little

Now That's a Tragedy

Making Cakes

The Fishing License

Making Your Prayers Count

The Horsie Ride **

Step Away from the Squirrel

Easy Catch

The Mexican Student

Vocabulary Lesson **

Johnny's Report

The Winning Run

Playing Doctor

The Old Outhouse

Unjust Punishment

First Day of School

Arithmetic Lesson *

Politics Siimplified

The Little Archer

Learning the Alphabet *

Baby with No Ears

I Know the Whole Truth

Late for Church

Having a Baby

Three Babies

Litter of Kittens

The Carpool

Is He Dangerous?

The Old Leaf

Don't Talk in Chruch

Our Country

Mother and Daughter

Animal Crackers

Hold the Lantern

The Little Fireman

My Dad Taught Me

Talkative Pediatrician

White Hair

Straight Talk **

Three Day Weedend

Ring the Doorbell

Brotherly Love

The Greatest Man

Dead Seagull

What Shall We Do?

Killing an Eel **

A Boy and His Duck *

The Pedophile

I'll Give You a Lollypop

A Natural Clown

The Dinner Party

Lunch Meeting

Use Adult Language

Multi-syllable Words **

I Hate School

Simple Math Question

An Apple for the Teacher *

I've Lost My Grandpa

Farting in Class *

Big Planes and Baby Planes **

Counting Sheep

The Bull Elephant

Five Year Old Drinker

Honeymoon in Paris

Willie's Gambling Problem *

The Birds and the Bees

The Stork Brought You

Bride Wearing White

Serious Surgery

Good Sportsmanship

All Pumped Up **

Are Your Folks at Home?

Radar Trap Ahead

Wittle Wabbits

The Monkey Tree *

Questions for Hillary

Blonde School Counselor

Hair on Your Twinkie *

Looks Pretty Serious *

Dust to Dust

A Direct Object

What is Your Name?

Say the Blessing

Peace and Quiet

Just Like Honest Abe

The Red Sea Mission

Easter Dress

Proper Usage

More Doggone Plants

Kids on the Firing Line

Biting Your Fingernails

Simple Sentence

Hanging Pictures

Making Faces

Well Behaved Class

Creative Math

A Portrait of God

Dumb Like a Fox

Sounds Scary

Sulfuric Acid

Jelly Beans

Terry's Joke Collection Breakdown

#

# Terry's Joke Collection

# Volume IV

Golfing to Kid Jokes

# Terry Eade

Copyright 2016 Terry Eade

Smashwords Edition

ISBN 9781370620265
Introduction

Illustration by Terry Eade

This is the fourth of nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection. The collection has been broken up into separate volumes to keep each book under a thousand pages. This has been done for storage and data transmission purposes. There are fifty-two chapters, with each chapter covering a specific category of jokes. This makes it easier to find a joke, which fits the occasion or topic.

Each joke has a title and is listed in the table of contents in the appropriate chapter so that it can be accessed directly by just clicking on its title. Jokes are also annotated to let the reader know if it is appropriate for the occasion or audience where you are telling the joke. This scale is explained at the beginning of each chapter. Although the number of chapters in each volume range from three to ten, most of the volumes contain about the same number of jokes. A complete listing of all volumes in this series is provided at the end of this book.

The advantage of having these books in electronic format is that you can view them on your smart phone, tablet, ebook reader, or computer. You can specify the size of the print they will appear in, so they are easy for you to read. You can also use your device's ebook reader software to electronically bookmark a joke you want to quickly access. Because they are stored as books in your mobile device library you can have them with you wherever you go, without needing a wi-fi connection, a cell phone connection, or using any of your data allowance.

The size and weight of this information in traditional print books would take a whole suitcase to store and that suitcase would weigh a ton. Now you can have thousands of jokes with you on your phone. So you should never have to apologize because you can't remember a great joke you would like to tell or forget the punch line of one you are trying to tell from memory.

Even if you're not the type of person who enjoys telling jokes, you will get hours of enjoyment reading those provided in this book and the other eight volumes of the Terry's Joke Collection series. Also. if you are like me, you will find your favorites and enjoy reading them over and over. When I am telling jokes to my friends they will have their favorites and request them for any new person in the group or just to hear them again. Virtually any time I am telling jokes to my friends they will say "Tell the one about the Foreign Legion captain and the camel, the taxidermist in the redneck bar, or the general and the motor pool." The titles of the jokes are descriptive, but designed to not give away the punch line of the joke.

Those reading solely for entertainment should make sure they take note of the joke rating notations explained at the beginning of each chapter. This way they are warned in advance that a joke may be racier or raunchier than they would like. Just as I do not want to offend my audience when telling a joke, I do not want to offend my readers by having them read a joke which might offend, shock, or embarrass them.

My collection of jokes started at a very young age. When I was just seven years old, my sixteen-year-old cousin would tell me jokes while we were riding the tractor together on his parents' farm in Michigan. He told me about the facts of life so I could understand the humor in the jokes. These "facts" were quickly validated, by watching the animals on the farm.

Since I had been exposed to a great number of more sophisticated jokes than my grade school companions, I became the one to tell jokes in the school yard. Because I was an army brat, and attended more schools than grades as I moved to new cities, states, and countries, I became the Johnny Appleseed of joke telling.

When I went to college my joke telling paid off in other ways. As long as I would tell jokes to my friends and classmates at the local college tavern, they would buy me beer. Since I was working my way through college, free beer was a great luxury as well as a vital part of the college experience.

Later, when I began teaching college courses, giving seminars, accepting speaking engagements, and serving as the MC at various functions, my jokes would often spice up otherwise dull subjects and events. Having a love of telling jokes and a very good memory, I retain the jokes and can still tell thousands from memory. My ability to do this is based on a trick I learned about public speaking. That trick is not to memorize the joke word for word, but to just remember the concept and the punch line and wing the rest. I also embellished my joke telling skills by adopting various accents and sound effects, which fit with the joke I was telling.

Whenever I told jokes in an informal setting, my companions would also share their favorite jokes and I would add those to my collection. Friends and relatives, who knew I was always looking for a new joke, emailed a great number of my jokes to me. As a result, my collection has grown so large that it takes nine volumes to tell them all. If you find a joke that is not included in my collection, please send it to me at teade@mac.com.

Although I have made up a few of the jokes in my collection, most of them are in the public domain. So, although the books are copyrighted, the jokes are not. Being an amateur cartoonist, I have also drawn all of the illustrations in the books and these are copyrighted as well.

All nine volumes of Terry's Joke Collection, as well as several other books I have authored, are available online from Barnes & Noble, the Apple iBookstore, Amazon.com, or directly from the publisher at smashwords.com (where I get a bigger royalty). Just go to any of those sites and search for "Terry Eade." 

# Chapter 1

# Golfing Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a dentist on a golf course may appear here and in the Dentist & Optometrist Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Her First Birdie

A beautiful young gal named Gail had gone to the golf course and asked if she could get out as a single. The pro indicated that he could get her out with a threesome of men if she didn't mind that arrangement. She indicated that she was a fairly new golfer and didn't mind golfing with the men if they didn't object to having a woman in the group. Of course Ralph, Dan, and Pete did not object to an attractive young woman joining their group so they set out together.

They were all having a great time and doing well with their games especially Gail who seemed to be improving with each hole. On the last hole Gail hit a beautiful long drive straight down the middle of the fairway. Her second shot was even better and put her on the green with a twelve foot put for birdie.

Gail was very excited at the prospect of getting a birdie as she had never had one before. So she announced that if anyone could help her make her birdie putt, she would take them home with her for the night.

Ralph was the first one to offer assistance. He advised "Play the ball high and slow and let the slope bring it down into the hole."

Dan disagreed, "I think you should play the ball straight at the hole with enough speed to keep it on line, rather than to chance it falling short."

Pete dismissed both approaches and said "I think it's a gimmie!!!"

# Couples Tournament

A husband and wife enter a couples tournament. On the first tee the husband hits a beautiful 240 yard shot straight down the fairway. The ball is now only 70 yards from the green with no obstructions.

Since it is an alternating shot tournament the wife hits the second shot. The ball comes off the toe of the wife's club and ends up sixty yards from the green behind a large oak tree.

The husband then plays a beautiful slice around the tree, which lands on the green just five inches from the cup.

The wife hits her putt left of the cup way too hard and it rolls off the green into a very deep sand trap.

The husband hits an unbelievable shot out of the trap that lands on the green and rolls into the cup for a bogey.

As they are walking off the green, the husband says "Well we took a five on a par four, but I'm sure we will do better on the next hole."

"Don't talk to me about it buster," says the wife, "you're the one who took three strokes."

# Private Course

Tiger Woods is driving down the highway and notices an attractive golf course on the left side of the road. Since he has his clubs in the trunk, he pulls into the clubhouse and tells the pro he would like to play a round.

The pro says "I'm sorry sir, but this is a private course and open only to members. However, there is a very nice public course across the street just a three wood shot from here."

"Do you know who I am?" asks Tiger.

"No sir, I don't," responds the pro.

"I'm Tiger Woods, the best golfer in the world."

"Sorry sir, I didn't recognize you," says the pro. "In that case it's only a five iron shot away."

# Lucky Golfer **

Two golfers were in having a drink in the clubhouse bar and talking about the hazards of living on the golf course.

Bob says "I was sitting in a lounge chair next to my swimming pool last week when a golf ball came flying onto the patio and almost hit me. I guess I'm pretty lucky that I didn't get hurt."

"I'm even luckier than you are," says Pete. "I had a golf ball come through the skylight in my bedroom and hit me in the ass while I was having sex with my wife. It left a pretty good bruise."

"What's lucky about that?" asks Bob.

"If it would have been five minutes earlier," says Pete, "I would have had a fractured skull."

_** Risque_

#  Big Sacrifice

It was early Saturday morning and the foursome had just been called to the first tee. As Scott was warming up he said to the rest of the group "I hope you guys appreciate the trouble I had to go to be here this morning. I had to agree to build my wife a new cabinet for her sewing machine."

"That's nothing" said Ralph, "I had to spend the last two weekends helping my wife plant new flowers in her garden in order to get to play golf today."

"I can top that" retorts Fred, " I had to take my wife out to a very expensive dinner and agree to let her remodel the living room and buy new furniture to get to play today."

"I think you guys are taking the wrong approach" said Al, " I didn't say anything at all to my wife until this morning. Then I woke her up and said 'golf course or intercourse?' and she said 'don't forget to wear your sweater'."

# I've Been Hit

Betty had waited until the men on the fairway ahead of her had gotten out of her range before she teed up her ball and hit her drive. She was quite surprised when her drive went over two hundred yards and was heading straight for the men ahead. She started yelling fore, waving her arms, and running toward them.

Her call came two late, as one of the men in the fairway clasped his hands in his crotch and begin to roll around. Horrified, Betty rushed up the fairway to see what she could do. When she got to the man he was still rolling around on the ground in pain and his buddies where just standing there watching him.

"I'm a nurse," said Betty, as she unzipped his pants and started massaging his genitals. "Now doesn't that feel better?" she said after having massaged him for a few minutes.

"Well actually it feels pretty good," says the injured man, "but my thumb still hurts like hell."

# A Little Bit Embarrassed

Four old retired guys named John, Bill, Steve, and Ed had just finished their weekly golf game and were headed for the club house. John suggested that they take a shower and then have a couple of drinks. Bill and Ed agreed, but Steve said that he thought he would just head home and shower there.

"How come you never stick around and have a drink with guys after we play golf?" says Ed.

"Well to be honest with you its that I'm a litlte embarrased to take a shower with the other guys", says Steve, "I've been that way since high school."

"Why are you embarrassed to shower with the guys?" says Bill.

"It's because I have such a small penis" says Steve.

"Can you still get an erection?" asks John.

"Oh, it still gets hard" says Steve, "It just isn't very big."

"Well how would you like to swap it for one that looks good in the shower?" says John with a laugh.

# Bad Timing *

Bill was out playing golf one day and his ball landed on the rough in a patch of buttercups. As he lifted his club in the air he heard a faint voice say, "Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups."

Bill lowered his club and took a quick glance back and forth to make sure that he was alone. Satisfied that he was alone, Bill began to raise his club and again came the same voice, this time a bit louder, "Please don't hurt my buttercups, buttercups."

This time Bill was so sure of the voice that he spoke aloud, "Hello, is someone out there." No sooner than he had finished speaking a tiny fairy appeared before him. "I am the forest fairy, if you don't hurt my buttercups then I'll give you all the butter you could want for the rest of your life."

"Where the hell where you when I was in the pussywillows?" said Bill as he picked up his ball in disgust.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Fair Reward

It seems there was this priest who just loved to golf, but he had been very busy for many months and had not been able to get away to go golfing. Well, one Sunday morning he woke up and felt he just had to go golfing. The weather was just beautiful.

He called up the Bishop and claimed he had a really bad case of laryngitis and couldn't preach, so the Bishop told him to rest for several days. He then got out his clubs and headed off for the golf course.

He set up at the first hole, making sure no one was there to see him playing hooky, and blasted that ball with his wood. It was a beautiful shot! It went straight and true; it bounced, and bounced (right up onto the green) and rolled its way closer... closer... a hole in one! The priest jumped up and down in his excitement.

He struts off to the green, collects his ball, and tees off at the second hole, repeating his performance on the first hole, much to his astounded delight.

All this time St. Peter and God have been watching him from the gates of heaven. St. Peter has finally seen enough to pique his curiosity. "Lord," he says, "this priest seems to be a real trouble maker. He ignored his congregation and even lied to go golfing. And now you reward him with a hole in one! Why?"

God smiles and looks over at St. Peter and says, "I'm punishing him ... after he finishes his game by himself, who can he tell his story to?"

# I've Got to Take a Call

Four international executives are playing golf. On the third hole a ringing sound is heard. The British golfer fumbles in his bag, picks out his cellular phone, turns away from his partners and has a brief conversation. "Terribly sorry chaps, but one has to keep one's finger on the pulse and all that." His companions murmur acknowledgment.

On the fourth hole there is another ring. The American says "excuse me", places his thumb to his ear and holds his pinkie near his mouth, and has an intense conversation. He turns back to the bewildered group. "Oh, this is the latest thing on the Coast," he says "I've got a microphone grafted into my pinkie and a receiver in my thumb. It's really convenient."

They play on for a few more holes, at which point there is a loud ring. The German, who had been leaning over his putt, snaps to attention. "Ja, verstehen, verstehen, ja, ja. Auf Wiedersehen." He snaps back to normal. "This is really the state of art," he tells his playing partners. "I have the microphone grafted into my lower lip, and the receiver grafted into my earlobe. All I have to do to answer the telephone is to straighten my neck." Everyone is impressed.

Finally, on the 18th hole, muted chimes are heard. The Japanese businessman drops his clubs, blurts "so sorry" and runs into the bushes. Everyone waits. After 15 minutes the American goes to check on his colleague. He finds Mr. Tanaka squatting, trousers around his ankles, eyes closed and grimacing.

"You okay, Tanaka-san?" he asks.

"Everything is fine," Mr. Tanaka replies. "Just awaiting fax from home office."

# Never Again

One day a man and his wife are playing golf at their home course. On a certain par four, the man tees it up and hits a big slice into the woods.

They find his ball directly behind one of the greenskeeper's buildings where equipment is stored, so that he can't play toward the green at all.

"Damn!" the man says, "I'll have to play sideways to get back on the fairway. I'll make five at best."

But his wife, who had been looking things over, said "Look, this shed has double doors at both ends. If we open them up, you can hit a low shot right through the building toward the green."

The man congratulated his wife on her cleverness and they set up for the shot. But the ball hit the top of the far doorframe and came whistling back, striking his wife in the temple and killing her dead on the spot.

A year or so later, the same man was playing the same par 4 and hit his tee shot in almost exactly the same spot as before, right behind the building.

As he is cursing his luck and preparing to swing, one of his playing partners says, "Wait, look we can open these double doors and..."

"No way," the man says, cutting him off. "I was here last year and tried that shot and ended up making a six.

# Lucky Frog

It was a long par four and Bob's drive had been to the right and not very long. He was now laying near a pond and had decided to play a nine iron to the center of the fairway. About the time he had decided on the safe play a frog sitting beside the pond said "bribip, four iron." Thinking this might be an omen, Bob takes out his four iron and plays the ball over the water, onto the green and the ball rolls up to the flag and drops onto the hole for an eagle. Bob is elated and picks up the frog and takes it with him.

For the rest of the game Bob asks the frog's recommendation on every shot and the frog advises Bob on the proper club selection and play. Bob finishes with the best game he has ever shot on that course. After the game is over Bob is convinced that the frog is truly lucky.

"What should I do next?" Bob asks.

"Bribip, Las Vegas" responds the frog.

Anxious to see if the frogs advice extends beyond golf, hops in his car and he and the frog take off for Las Vegas. As soon as they get checked into the casino, bob asks the frog what they should play and the frogs response is roulette. So they go to the roulette table. He then asks the frog what to bet on.

"Bribip, fourteen" says the frog.

So Bob puts $10 on 14 and the number hits and pays off 30 to 1. Bob now has $300. He continues to take the frogs advice until they have won a large amount of money and the frog advises Bob to quit and cash out. Bob takes the frog back to the room and has room service bring up a bottle of champaign to celebrate his great win.

"You are the one who has made all this possible" says Bob as he toasts the frog with a glass of champaign, "is there anything I can do to reward you?"

"Bribip, kiss me" says the frog.

As requested, he kisses the frog, who immediately turns into a beautiful sixteen year old girl.

"And honestly judge, that's just the way it happened" says Bob.

# Bad Language *

Arnie had gone to confession and indicated that he had used some extremely bad language that week for which he was repentant. The priest asked Arnie what the circumstances were which caused him to use this inappropriate language.

"I'm a golfer," said Arnie,"and I was having some problems."

"Well I'm a golfer myself," said the priest "so I can understand your frustration with your game, but what could have been so bad as to engender an outburst of bad language?"

"Well I was actually having a great game and thought I would get my best score ever, then on the 17th hole I hit my drive straight down the middle, but it hit a sprinkler head in the fairway and bounced right behind a big oak tree."

"Is that when you used the bad language my son?" asked the priest.

"No father," said Arnie " in fact I kept my cool and was able to slice the shot around the tree and it was heading right for the green until it clipped a branch of a tree and fell short into the sand trap on the front of the green."

"So that's when you used the bad language?" said the priest.

"No not even then" said Arnie, "I tried to keep a positive attitude and made a beautiful sand shot which landed on the green and rolled up within six inches of the hole."

"Christ Almighty, you didn't miss a fucking six inch putt?!!" shouted the priest.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Lost Track

Jack was in town to attend, and make a presentation at, a medical convention. He had arrived a day early to check out the facilities and put the final touches on his presentation. He was able to attend to these items in the morning and thought he would try out the local golf course to relax and kill some time until the convention started. It was a slow day and they put Jack out by himself. Although he was trying to relax and concentrate on his golf game his thoughts kept coming back to his presentation.

After a few holes he had lost track of what hole he was on so he walked up to the lady on the hole in front of him and confessed that he had lost track and wondered if she could help him out. She was very pleasant and told him that since she was on the seventh hole he must be on the sixth hole. He thanked her and returned to his game.

Later in the afternoon the same situation happened on the back nine. Again Jack lost track of where he was and had to go up and ask the lady on the hole in front of him what hole he was on. Again she pleasantly informed him that she was on sixteen so he must be on fifteen. After Jack had finished his game he went into the clubhouse for a drink. On entering the bar, Jack noticed the lady sitting by herself at one of the tables. He asked the bartender who the lady was and was informed by the bartender that she was not a regular, but was in town to attend the medical convention.

Jack took his drink over to the lady's table and introduced himself. "I would like to buy you a drink for being so accommodating he said, and I believe we are both in town to attend the same convention. What is your specialty?' Jack asked.

"I'm a gynecologist," the lady responded.

At that Jack started laughing.

"What is so funny about that?'" asked the lady, somewhat insulted.

"I didn't mean any offense by my reaction," said Jack "It's just that I'm a proctologist, so I guess I'm still one hole behind you."

# Heart Attack

When Bill came through the door his wife was furious. She pointed at the clock and informed him that his dinner had already been thrown out because it was ruined and couldn't be reheated.

"You left this morning at ten o'clock for a round of golf with your old golf buddy Al and I suppose you two have been sitting in the bar drinking every since you finished playing. All you guys ever think about is golf and drinking," she scolded.

"We didn't do any drinking at all," responded Bill indignantly, "my golf buddy Al suffered a heart attack while we were playing golf today and that's why I'm so late."

"I'm sorry" his wife said with remorse, "I had no idea -- no wonder you're late."

"Yea," Bill said "Al had his heart attack on the second hole, so for the next sixteen holes it was hit the ball - drag Al, hit the ball - drag Al, hit the ball......"

# Let Me Hit

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, adressing the golf ball, visualizing his shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the lady's tee please back up to the men's tee?"

Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man in the red tee box kindly back up to the white tee box!"

Finally Joe had had enough. He turned toward the clubhouse and shouted, "Would the Jackass in the clubhouse please shut up and let me hit my second shot!!"

# Get a Grip **

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 feet.

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"

_** Risque_

# I've Got a Secret

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that this is a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that, in fact, she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out also to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole.

He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact," she says, "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything." He pulls over, they kiss and she shows him her appreciation...

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned: dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about but eventually she admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs, "I'm a transvestite." He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion. "I'm sorry," she repeats.

"You bastard," he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!"

# Something You Should Know

A couple met on a golf course, and fell in love.

On the third golf date it was obvious that their relationship was getting ready to move to a deeper level. Over dinner at the 19th hole he guy said, "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, breathe, and sleep golf."

The lady said, "Well, since we are being honest here, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a hooker."

The guy looked down to ground, and thought for a minute, and then looked up and said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

# Errant Ball

A husband and wife were playing golf together. On the third hole the husband hit a slice which went through the window of a beautiful house on the edge of the fairway. They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing."

# Golf Injury

Lloyd goes into the clubhouse and sees Steve with a bandage around his neck.. "What in the world happened to you?" asks Lloyd.

"Oh, this happened yesterday," responds Steve in a raspy voice. "You know what a problem I've been having with my drive. Well yesterday I hit a slice on number five and it went out into the pasture. Since it was a new ball and there was nobody behind me, I decided to go out and look for it. After a while something caught my eye, it was a bright white spot under a cow's tail that would flash when the cow moved it's tail from side to side. I lifted up the cow's tail and there was a golf ball stuck in the cows ass, but it was a Top Flight and I was playing a Pinnacle, so I kept on looking. Then I noticed a lady who was also in the pasture looking for her ball. So thinking the ball might be her's, I called for her to come over where I was."

"That's very considerate," says Lloyd.

"I thought so too," says Steve "Then I lifted up the cow's tail, and before I noticed that the ball had apparently dropped out, said 'Hey lady does this look like your's?'"

"Then what happened?" asks Lloyd.

"That's when she hit me in the throat with a nine iron!!" says Steve.

# Now That's Respect

Two strangers were playing golf together. As the older player was starting to putt, he noticed a funeral procession passing the golf course. At that point he faced the procession, took off his hat, bowed his head, and stood silently until the procession had passed.

"That's very respectful," said the younger golfer "I'm very impressed."

"Well it's the least I could do," responded the older golfer "we were married for forty-six years."

# Have a Ball

Two strangers were playing golf together. One is a retired businessman and the other a high school kid just taking up the game. On the fifth hole the younger golfer hits his drive into a pond which is about seventy yards out from the tee. "That was my last ball" says the young golfer "do you have a ball I could use?"

The old golfer pulls out a new ball and hands it to the young golfer, who proceeds to hit the second ball in the same place. Again he asks the old golfer for a ball. Again, the young golfer hits the third ball in the same spot.

As the old golfer is pulling out another new ball he says "You know you can play from the point of entry and just take a one stroke penalty, that would make it easier to get all the way over the pond."

"I know," responds the young golfer in frustration "but I'm going to make it over the pond from here if it takes me all day."

"Well these balls are expensive," says the old golfer as he hands over another new ball.

"If you can't afford the game, you shouldn't play," retorts the young golfer.

# Slow Play

Two strangers were playing golf together. After several holes it becomes apparent that they were much better golfers than the two women who were playing directly in front of them. The marshal is not making his rounds and it is apparent that the women are not going to ask them if they want to play through.

The first golfer says to his playing companion "I'm going to walk up there and ask if they will let us play through." So he walks about half way to the women and then turns around and comes back.

"Why did you change your mind?" asks the second golfer.

"About half way up I recognized that one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress," answers the first golfer, "so I turned back before they could recognize me."

"That could have really been embarrassing," chuckles the second golfer " I'll go up and ask them if we can play through" About half way up to the women, the second golfer turns around and comes back.

"What was the matter?" asks the first golfer.

"Small world isn't it?" says the second golfer.

# Heavenly Golf

A threesome of golfers are playing golf in heaven. Moses is the first to the tee. He hits his shot about half-way over the lake in front of the tee, and remarks "Well its playable, I can part the water and play if from the bottom of the lake."

The second golfer is Jesus. His shot also gets about half-way over the pond and plunges into the lake. "That one's playable too, he says I can walk out on the water and play it from where it lit."

Then the third golfer hits his drive, which goes in the same place as the first two drives. However, a few seconds after the ball lands in the lake, a large fish emerges at the far end of the lake and spits the ball up onto the shore, where a mouse grabs it and runs for the forest. Before the mouse reaches the forest an eagle swoops down grabs the mouse and flies toward the mountain. Before the eagle can get very far a bolt of lightning streaks across the sky and hits the eagle. At that point the mouse slips out of the eagle's talons and falls on the green, whereon the ball bounces out of the mouse's mouth and rolls in the hole.

Before the third golfer can say anything, Jesus says "Nice shot dad."

# How Do You Spell Success

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage. And in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out, he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practicing homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."

# Real Passion

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.

He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!"

Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?"

He replies, "Ten years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "How long has it been since you've played around ?"

The man get excited and replies, "My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

# You Don't Understand

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset.

When the man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, "Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!"

The girlfriend looked at him and said, "Oh, that's so sweet baby!"

Then the guy quickly corrected her, "No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the trunk!"

# New Rules

A proposed revision to the rules of golf is being sought in South Florida which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".

Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again.

The player can do this until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.

This revision is causing some consternation to the USGA but proponents say it is only fair.

A recent test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and the first hole only took 9 days to complete.

# You've Been Golfing

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Bewildered, she did as he asked, thinking him pretty weird.

The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."

The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. You damn liar! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

# Fully Loaded Volvo *

Tiger Woods drives his huge Volvo into a Petrol Station in Cork, on his tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Cork manner, unawares as to who the golf pro is...."Top of the morning to you, etc., etc."

Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, but two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground. "What are dey Son?" says the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger Woods.

"What're they for?" inquires the Cork man.

"They're for putting my balls on while I'm driving," says Tiger Woods.

"Jaysus," says the Cork man, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of fookin' everythin'

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# It's a Sin

After church one Sunday, one of the congregates walked up to the priest and said, "Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sunday?

"My son," said the priest, putting his hand on the man's shoulder, "I've seen you play golf. It's a sin any day."

# Bad Shot

A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed."

Sister Marie told him to watch his language.

At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed."

"Father, what filthy language! I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better.

At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed."

Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting, which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed."

# Amazing Golf Ball

Jim and Terry meet at the local golf course for their weekly golf game. Jim is bubbling over with enthusiasm as he shows Terry his new golf ball.

"This is the most amazing golf ball I have ever seen," Jim remarks.

"What's so amazing about this golf ball?", Terry responds

"Not only does it play well, but it has a super tough cover that resists cuts and blemishes. It may never have to buy another golf ball," says Jim.

"That's providing that you don't loose it," Terry quips.

"That's the really amazing thing about this ball," responds Jim," it's impossible to loose. After it has been hit it emits a tone to let you know where it has landed and the ball also blinks with a strobe type light to make it even easier to find. If you hit it into the water it becomes buoyant and spins so that it comes back to the shore where you can recover it without even using a ball retriever."

"That really is amazing," says Terry, "where did you get it."

"I found it," says Jim.

# The Big Golf Match

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel.

"Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays golf very well," a cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer. Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."

"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by three strokes."

# High Stakes Game

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar.

Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?"

Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that straightened out now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"

Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Woods says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

# Failing Eyesight

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're 75-years-old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"

"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.

"He's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.

"Yup," Scott answered.

"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

"I forgot."

# The Golf Fanatic

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golf's all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?"

# Painful Bee Sting

A Young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. The pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee," responded the woman.

"Where?" he asked.

"Between the first and second hole," she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Apparently your stance is too wide."

# Top Notch Condition

John is out on the golf course and takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor.

John says, "How bad is it, doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doctor says , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."

So the doctor takes four tongue depressors and forms a neat little 4-sided bandage and wires it all together. It is an impressive work of art. John mentions none of this to his girlfriend.

They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she takes off her bra to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

Next she drops her panties and says "look at this vagina, it has never been seen or touched by any man."

Not wanting to be outdone, John pulls down his shorts, whips it out and says, "look at this penis, it's still in the crate!"

# Can You Spare Two Bucks

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street, "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well dressed man responds, "You're not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

"No sir, I don't drink," the bum responds.

"You're not going to throw it away in a poker game are you?" asks the man.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.

"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, play poker or golf."

# Lawyers Playing Golf

Two lawyers, John and Ted, head out for their usual round of golf. John offers Ted a fifty dollar bet. Ted agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 17 th hole, Ted is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 18 th.

''Help me find my ball. Look over there,'' he says to John. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a two stroke penalty, Ted secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. ''I've found my ball!'' he announces.

''After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," John says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy fifty bucks?''

''What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!''

''And you're a liar, too!'' John says. ''I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!'

# Beginner's Luck

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.

"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup," the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner.

# Deep Ravine

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "What's the matter Jim?"

Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You can't get out of here with an 8-iron."

# Serious Golfer

A guy goes golfing with his girlfriend. As he tees off, she steps into ladies' teebox and gets hit in the head with his drive. She is pronounced D.O.A. and taken to the morgue.

The coroner calls him in and says, "She definitely died from a blow to the head caused by the golf ball. But the only thing we can't understand is why was there a golf ball in her rectum?"

"Oh," he replies, "that must have been my mulligan."

# May I Play Through?

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?"

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers

# Great Shot

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.

"I hit two of my best balls," he said.

"Tell me about it," said his co-worker.

"I stepped on the little rake by the sand trap."

# A Healthy Walk

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" asked the instructor.

"Is it all right if she carries my golf bag while we walk?"

# Lucky Leprechaun

One day, a man was golfing when he hit his ball into the woods. When he went to retrieve it, he found that it had hit a small man in green tights.

"I'm so sorry!" the man said.

"Don't worry about it. Anyway, you caught me. I'm a leprechaun and you have managed to stop me. You get three wishes."

"Oh, no, I don't want the wishes. Just as long as you're okay." The leprechaun thought the man was so nice he decided to grant three wishes for him. He gave him unlimited money, terrific health, and a great sex life. The man came back to the golf course the next year and recognized that same leprechaun.

"How're you doing?" asked the leprechaun.

"Oh, terrific. Everytime I stick my hand in my pocket a 100 dollar bill comes out and I've eaten nothing but Snickers bars for a year and I'm at my ideal weight and can run a mile faster than anyone."

"How's your sex life?" asked the leprechaun.

"Fantastic! I'm up to twice a week now!"

"Twice a week? Why so little? I gave you a great sex life wish!"

"Hey, that's not too bad for a rural priest with a small parish!"

# Rules for Bedroom Golf **

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play must be permitted by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well-formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Angry course owners have been known to damage players' equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure that the match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

_** Risque_

# When in Japan **

An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker.

As he's screwing her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"

He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..."

He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"

The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.and lands on the green of an adjacent fairway.

The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."

The American says, "What does that mean?"

The Japanese businessman says, "Wrong hole."

_** Risque_

# Dangerous City Streets

A elderly farmer retires, sells his farm and moves to the city. As he is walking a few blocks from his new apartment a car pulls to the side of the street and two young guys jump out and beat him up. A patrol car is cruising the neighborhood and sees him injured on the sidewalk and asks him what happened

"I was just walking down the street minding my own business when two young guys jumped out of a car and beat me up - I don't understand, says the old farmer.

"Well you have a red shirt on, so I'll bet it was the Crips," says the cop, "You shouldn't wear red here in the city."

The next day the cop finds the same old farmer on the sidewalk a few blocks away and he again has been beat up.

"It was the same thing all over again. only these young guys were not the same as the one's who beat me up yesterday, and I am not wearing any red," bemoans the farmer.

"Well today you have a blue shirt on and it was probably the Bloods who beat you up. You can't wear blue in the city either," says the cop.

The next day the cop drives through the same neighborhood and finds the old farmer once more lying beside the street and apparently beat up again.

Before the cop can say a word the old farmer says, "What kind of a city do you have here? I didn't wear red, I didn't wear blue and I still got beat up for no reason at all."

The cop looked at the old farmer, who was wearing a yellow knit sport shirt with plaid pants, and asked him what happened this time.

"Well this time a golf cart pulled up two elderly golfers jumped out and started beating me up with five irons."

# The Perfect Golf Shot

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,"Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

# Robot Caddy *

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, three of them didn't show up and the other three robbed the pro shop.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.

Engineer: "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

Doctor: "I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

Priest: "Hey, here comes the marshal. Let's have a word with him."

Priest: "Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?"

George: "Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge."

Doctor: "Wow! Thanks for the scoop, George."

Priest: "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

Doctor: "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

After a short pause ...

Engineer: "Why can't these guys play at night?"

# Golf Genie

A golfer, encountering a genie, was granted one wish. The man thought a while and said, "Well, I've always been embarrassed by being rather small, if you know what I mean; could you make me larger?" "Done," said the genie and disappeared.

Continuing his game, the man noticed an immediate change in his "size." Within several holes, it was down to his knee, and by the eighteenth, it had crept into his sock. After holing his final putt, the man hurriedly returned to where he'd met the genie.

"Problem?" inquired the genie. "Yes," the man responded, "Do you think I could trouble you for one more wish?" "And what might that be?" asked the genie.

"Could you make my legs longer?"

# Blonde Golfers

Two blondes were playing golf at a foggy par three, and could see the flag, but not the green. Each hit their ball anyway. When they walked to the green, they discovered one about three feet from the cup, while the other somehow had gone directly in.

They tried to figure out which ball belonged to who, since they were both using Titleist number threes. Unable to decide, they returned to the Club House and asked the golf pro for a ruling. After hearing their story and congratulating them both on their superb shots under such adverse conditions he asked, "OK, so who was playing the yellow ball ?

# Four Old Golfers

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

"These hills are getting steeper as the years go by," one complained.

"These fairways seem to be getting longer too," said one of the others.

"The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too," said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said... "Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we're still on the top side of the grass!"

# What Would Tiger Do?

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.

"Now what are you doing?" She asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole."

# Golfing Groom

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side.

She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye--and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

# Eighty Year Old Golfer

An eighty year old man who was an avid golfer moved to a new town and joined the local Country Club. He went to the Club for the first time to play, but was told there wasn't anybody he could play because they were already out on the course. He repeated several times that he really wanted to play.

Finally, the Assistant Pro said he would play with him and asked how many strokes he wanted for a bet. The eighty year old said "I really don't need any strokes as I have been playing quite well. The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

And he did play well. Coming to the par four 18th they were all even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green and 2-putt for a par.

The old man had a nice drive, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green. Playing from the bunker he hit a high ball which landed on the green and rolled into the hole! Birdie, match and all the money!

The Pro walked over to the sand trap where his opponent was still standing in the trap. He said "Nice shot, but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?".

"I do," replied the old man. "Please give me a hand."

# Thrifty Obituary

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of $.50 cents per word.

She pauses, reflects, and then says well, then, let it read "Bob Smith died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.

She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, in that case, let it read: "Bob Smith died. Golf clubs for sale."

# Golf Balls

A man enters a bus, with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sits down next to a blonde. The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?

# Three Old Golfers

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarded to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

# How Many Riders?

After a round of golf, four elderly ladies sat around the club house chatting.Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: "How did your game go?"

The first said she had a good round...making the comment that she actually had 25 riders.

The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a "Rider" was.

The second lady then quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders.

The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders.

The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long.

The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term "rider" meant. But, because he didn't want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left.

He then approached the bartender and asked "Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to "riders"?"

The bar tender simply smiled and say... "a "rider" is when you hit a shot long enough to take a ride in the golf cart."

# The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . . Mary .. . ."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex

pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

# Shower Room Scandal

At a golf club a bunch of women are having tea. Then one woman discovers that the men's locker room at some distance below their balcony has its door ajar. And a man is taking a shower with his head unseen. So this woman chuckles and says: "I am glad that that is not my husband--how embarrassing!" A second woman acknowledges: "I am glad that he is not my boyfriend ....hmmm!"

A third woman then says: "I don't know whether he is my husband or not, but I sure know that he is not any of the men here at this golf club."

# Golf Lessons *

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; goes over and hacks it another 10 feet, then hacks it another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, "I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replied, "Well, you know, that's your problem. You should have taken golf lessons instead."

To this day, his grave marker stands next to that tee box as a warning to other potential wise asses.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Deadly Golf Shot

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming in his golf togs and asked "I see you're a golfer , how good a golfer are you?"

The golfer thought for a second about the bad hit that had killed him and then said "Not too bad actually, I got here in two." 

# Canine Caddy

Man and his friend meet on the golf course and decide to finish off the round together. The friend has a little dog with him and, on the next green when the friend holes out with a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts yipping and stands up on its hind legs.

The Man is quite amazed at this clever trick of the dog's and says, "That dog is really talented! What does it do if you miss a putt??"

"Somersaults."

"Somersaults!!!!!! How many of them does it do?"

"Mmm, depends on how hard I kick him in the ass!"

# The Optimist

Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."

To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.

On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."

"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"

"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

# Hit the Ball and Pray

A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 hole the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, Father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, Father, but in my church, when we pray we keep our head down."

# Church or Golf?

A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?"

The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 15 tosses to get it right!"

# Do Anything You Want

A man came home from work and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy little nightie.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went out for a round of golf.

# Golfing Miracle

A golfer, now in his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one particular hole at Pebble Beach, California exactly the way the pros do it.

The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out into the Pacific Ocean. It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the ocean. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as did many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer. However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above seemed to be booming out from the clouds, saying, "WAIT. REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that this same force seemed to be implying that he was going to finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again saying, "WAIT, STEP BACK AND TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.

The voice boomed out again, "WAIT. TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."

Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited. A long silence followed.

Then the voice said: "USE THE OLD BALL.

# What Should We Do?

Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!

Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet.

"Oh my God!," exclaimed Harry, "what should we do?"

"I'm not sure." said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty."

# Friendly Golf

Two friends were beginning a game of golf. The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one.

The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game."

# Jungle Golf

A Businessman was visiting a client in South Africa. Since he had some spare time and was an avid golfer, he located a golf course a few miles out of town. When he checked in he was informed that they did not have golf carts but required every golfer to have one of the local caddies. When the native caddie showed up he not only had the golfer's set of clubs he had a large sword and a scabbard hooked on his belt.

"What the devil is the sword for?" asked the businessman.

"Well this course winds through a section of jungle and there is a lot of danger involved," says the caddie.

So the businessman hits his first drive and it goes near the edge of the fairway. As he is getting ready to hit his second shot, a lion comes bounding out of the foliage toward the businessman. Before the lion reaches the businessman, the caddie draws his sword and with a mighty stroke kills the lion. The businessman is very impressed and thankful for the caddies skill and quick action.

On the second hole as he is hitting his third shot a large water buffalo comes charging out of the jungle toward the businessman. Again the caddie draws his sword and with a mighty stroke fells the charging water buffalo. Again the businessman thanks the caddie for saving his life.

On the third hole the businessman's tee shot goes down by a water hazard. As he is about to take his approach shot to the green, a large crocodile scampers out of the water and bites the businessman's leg off just below the knee. Writhing in pain the businessman looks up at the caddie and asks him why he did not intervene.

"This is a par three," says the caddie, "you don't get a stroke on this hole."

# Chapter 2

# Heaven & Hell Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a hooker in heaven may appear here and in the Hooker & Stripper Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Three Horrible Deaths

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

# Politicians and Popes

The Pope is visiting the United States and is riding in the presidential limousine with the President. As they pass before the crowds that have assembled along their route a terrorist jumps out of the crowd and throws a bomb under the presidential limo.

A second later the President and the Pope are standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter welcomes them and takes the President to a magnificent mansion atop a high hill overlooking all of heaven. Next he takes the Pope to a very modest dwelling close to other like type houses.

The Pope is furious and asks why after spending his entire life promoting Gods work he gets a small house when the President gets a grandiose one.

"You have to understand," says St. Peter, "that we have lots of popes up here, but this is our first politician."

# Final Flings

Three Catholic priests were traveling together in a car when they have an accident and are all killed instantly. When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter informs them that an earthquake in India has flooded the staff and they will not be able to process the priests into heaven for at least a month. Since they cannot return to their human bodies, St Peter offers to put their spirit into any animal or object they desire until they can be processed into heaven.

The first priest tells St. Peter that his studies, responsibilities, and devotion to God has never enabled him to be the free spirit he has always wanted to be and asks that he be able to be a wild horse until he is called to heaven. The Second priest explains his priestly duties have never enabled him to exercise the competitive urges he has had all his life and he would like to a champion race horse. The third priest admits that his priestly vows of celibacy have never enabled him to experience his hidden desire to know the ways of the world and would like to spend his time as a stud. St. Peter agrees to convey these requests to God and sends the three priests on their way to their new life.

A few weeks later, St. Peter asks his head angel to locate the three priests and see if they are doing alright. The angel returns and tells St. Peter that the three priests are doing fine. "Father Richard is with a herd of wild horses on the plains of Wyoming and is having a really great time," responds the angel reading from his clip board.

"How about Father John?" asks St. Peter.

Father John is in the winners circle at Churchill Downs and is having the time of his life," answers the angel.

"How about Father Bob?" asks St. Peter.

"Well," resonds the angel, "Father Bob is on a snow tire in Montana, and is frankly a little disappointed."

# Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer-you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell so, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an Engineer? It's a mistake- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff and I'm keeping him.

God says, "Send him back up here or else I'll sue you."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?!"

# Special Days

A sinful man just arrived to hell and there's a counselor there to welcome him.

Counselor: Hi and welcome to hell. Tell me something, do you smoke?

Man: Well, yes, I love smoking.

Counselor: Good. Monday is Smoke Day. We smoke the finest cigarrs all day and you don't have to worry about cancer or anything, because you are already dead. Tell me, do you drink?

Man: Of course, I love drinking.

Counselor: Good. Tuesday is Drinking Day. We have everything and you can drink as much as you want and you don't have to worry about dying from drinking, because you are already dead. Tell me, do you gamble?

Man: Yes, I do. Thats why I died, I couldnt pay back the lone shark.

Counselor: Good. Wednesday is Gamble Day. You can gamble as much as you want and you don't have to worry about getting shot, because you are already dead. Tell me, are you gay?

Man: No, I'm not.

Counselor: Oh, you're gonna hate Thursdays.

# Simple Entrance Exam

After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.While she was waiting for St. Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello" How are you! We've been waiting for you, Good to see you".

When St. Peter came by, the woman said to him "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word" St. Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love"

The woman correctly spelled Love and St. Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, St. Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you", the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died", her husband told her."I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion and my wife and I traveled all over the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head and here I am. How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word", the woman said.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia," said the woman with a smile.

# Famous Last Words

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies,"I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

# Forrest Gump Goes to Heaven

The day finally arrives: Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. St. Peter says "Well Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."

Forrest responds "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was".

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forrest but the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?".

Forrest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers".

Forrest says, "Well, the first one how many days of the week begin with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow. The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest! That's not what I was thinking, but..... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer"

"How about the next one?"asks St. Peter. "How many seconds in a year?. "Now that one's harder" says Forrest, "But I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve". Astounded St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forrest says "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....." "Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one, too.

Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's first name?" Forrest replied, "Andy". "OK, OK," said a frustrated St.Peter, "I guess I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you came up with the name Andy as the first name of God?" "That was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song......... "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN...

# Bill Gates and St. Peter

Bill Gates dies in a car accident and finds himself in Purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

"This is a tough call, Bill;" says St. Peter "I'm not sure where to send you. You helped society enormously by putting computers in homes across the world, but you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'll let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell. I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."

"OK, let's try Hell."

So Bill went to Hell first. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and frolicking women. The sun was shining; the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is Hell, I really want to see Heaven!"

And off they went to Heaven. Heaven was high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a moment, then rendered his decision. "I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"As you wish," St. Peter replied. So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter dropped in on the late billionaire to see how he was faring in Hell. When he arrived, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's it going?" he asked Bill.

His voice filled with anguish and disappointment, Bill screamed, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! What happened to that other place-with the perfect beaches, the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter said. "That was only a demo."

# Just Rewards

Recently killed by separate left-turning cages, Trog, Grody, and Animal were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up to Trog and asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth." Trog thought for a moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven but you will be riding that little green Suzuki over there."

St. Peter approached Grody and asked the same question. Grody answered, "Sir, I do believe it couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter Heaven, also, and you will be riding the red 600 Kawasaki.

St. Peter stepped up to Animal and repeated the question. Without pause, Animal answered, "Never!" St. Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithful to my wife, sir" he replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be riding that gold-chromed custom Road King over there."

Grinning from ear to ear, Animal approaches the bike, but when he reaches the exquisite showpiece, he suddenly lays his head on the tank and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the matter?

You have never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be riding the bike of your dreams, with no breakdowns, for the rest of eternity." Animal replied between sobs, "See that woman over there on the old beat-up Vespa? That's my wife!"

# Cat in Heaven

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could

have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

# Clinton in Heaven

The Pope visits the U.S. and is on Air Force One as the President's special guest. There's a hydraulic malfunction, and the plane goes down. There are no survivors.

Due to a paperwork mixup, the Pope goes to Hell, and Clinton goes to heaven. Tired of fire and brimstone, the Pope keeps petitioning St. Peter to let him in to Heaven.

Finally, the saints get their records straight, and the Pope is admitted to the harps-and-wings club.When at last he enters Heaven, he falls on his knees, uttering, "Thank you, thank you! I have waited all of my life to meet the Virgin Mary!"

Clinton shrugs his wings and says, "Sorry, but you're a day late."

# Wall of Clocks

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.

As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

"What are all those clocks?" she asked.

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "Who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Who's clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Honest Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in God's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

# Worried Sick

The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members.

"How are you feeling?" the visitor asked.

"Oh," said the lady, "I'm just worried sick!"

"What are you worried about, dear?" her friend asked. "You look like you're in good health. They are taking care of you, aren't they?"

"Yes, they are taking very good care of me."

"Are you in any pain?" she asked.

"No, I have never had a pain in my life."

"Well, what are you worried about?" her friend asked again.

The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry.

"Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where I went."

# What's Wrong Now?

Don and Betty had just put their last kid through college and were now ready to retire and enjoy life. To celebrate they bought a motor home and set off on their dream vacation. Not more than two hundred miles down the road Don had turned the motor home into the path of a speeding semi truck and the next thing they knew they were at the pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter welcomed them in and introduced them to a young angel named Faith. Faith explained that she was to be their hostess in heaven and would show them around and get them acquainted with their new life in heaven. The first thing she did was to take them to their new living quarters. It was a beautiful penthouse apartment with a gorgeous view and lovely furnishings.

"This is a bit above our means" said Don.

"Not at all" said faith, "this is heaven. All this is free for as long as you want it, no rent, no utilities, no taxes, and no upkeep expenses or labor involved. And if you ever get tired of this place just come to me and I will get you another place to your liking. Now do you have any special interests or hobbies?"

"Well we both like to golf" said Betty.

"Then you'll love our golf courses" said Faith, who immediately whisked them off to the most beautiful golf course they had ever seen. It was immaculate in every way. "This is just one of many of our golf courses here in heaven. They are all free and there is never any waiting for a tee time. In addition there are all kinds of other types of entertainment here in heaven and they are all top quality and of course without any waiting or cost."

Next Faith took them to a restaurant for lunch. Their they were met by the Manager who showed them to a table with a gorgeous view and then to a buffet table with every imaginable type of food, all prepared and garnished exquisitely.

"I suppose this is all free too"? asked Don.

"Not only is it free" responded Faith, "but you don't have to worry about any calories, indigestion, or cholesterol. There are thousands of such restaurants here in heaven open all of the time and always with fresh food and great atmosphere. Remember, this is heaven.

As they were eating their lunch, Betty noticed that Don was very sullen. "What could possibly be wrong now?" asked Betty.

"Nothing really", said Don, "but I was just thinking that if you hadn't kept nagging me about my diet and making me eat all that healthy food, I could have been here ten years ago."

# Entering Heaven

The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"

Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.

Then Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs."

The teacher looked at him with a strange look on her face. "Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh, God, I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!"

# Not as Nice as Texas

Bob was a typical southern god old boy and very proud of his home state of Texas, where he lived his entire life. When he died and arrived in Heaven, St. Peter gave him the deluxe tour.

Behind the first door was a beautiful tropical beach. Bob poked his head in to look, but quickly announced that Galveston had nicer beaches.

Behind the second door was the most mind-boggling amusement park ever imagined. But Bob said he was sure that Dallas had more impressive parks.

After a dozen more such responses, an annoyed St. Peter pulled him to the edge of a nearby cliff and shouted, "You see that enormous lake of fire down there? That's Hell, have you got anything like that in Texas?"

"Nope," Bob replies, "But I do know a guy in Houston who can put it out."

# No Special Privileges

Vice President Dick Cheney sercomes to a massive heart attack and ends up in St. Peter's office in heaven. After a morning tour of heaven, St. Peter takes Dick to a restaurant for lunch. Since they get there right at noon, there is a considerable line.

"I apologize for the long line," says St. Peter, "but all of God's children are considered equal here, so you have to wait in line regardless of how important you were down on earth."

"I understand'" says Dick, " its a good policy and I'm not in any hurry now anyway."

About that time, a man in green scrubs with a stethoscope around his neck goes to the front of the line and is admitted immediately.

"What's the deal here/" asks Dick indignantly, " I thought no one here got special privileges here in heaven."

"Oh," responds St. Peter, "that's God he just thinks he's a doctor."

# Final Justice

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."

St. Peter said, "You may enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."

St. Peter invited him into heaven, too.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."

St. Peter said, "You can come in also."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You may stay for three days. After that you can go to hell!"

# Got You Beat *

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and they both go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, where upon she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day for eternity."

The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it.

At that, the angel says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged. "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She performs a rude act of hygiene and she gets in. Can you explain that to me?"

"Sorry Dolly," says the angel, "but even in heaven, a royal flush beats a big pair."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Just Checked In

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Florida for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter.

Since both spouses worked, they had difficulty coordinating their schedules, so the decision was made to have the husband leave for Florida on a certain day, with the wife following him one day later.

The man made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. However, he left off one letter in typing his wife's email address and sent the email off without realizing his error.

In another part of the country, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier.

She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from her husband's relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following e-mail message:

To My Loving Wife:

I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.

Your Devoted Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here."

# Divine Matrimony

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them.

They asked if they could still be married in Heaven.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months passed and finally Peter returned.

"Yes, we can do this for you."

"Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out there's a possibility that we could be divorced?'

To which St. Peter answered "It took me six months to find a priest up here...how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"

# Admission Test

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.

The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, "Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?" "Phew, that one's easy," says the teacher, "The Titanic."

"Alright," said St.Peter, "you may pass."

Then the thief got his question: "How many died on the Titanic?"

The thief replied, "That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people."

And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: "Name them."

# Christmas Dispensation

Three men all die on Christmas Day, and arrive at the pearly gates. Peter greets them and tells them that they are all evil men who should go to hell - but because it's Christmas, he'll let them into heaven if they have something representing the holiday with them.

One of the guys has a Christmas ornament, and gets let in. Another guy has pine needles on his shirt, and gets let in. The third guy pulls out a pair of panties.

"How do those represent Christmas?" asks Peter.

"These are Carol's."

# Hog Heaven

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven." Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself."

The befeathered fellow at the gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: One, there's too much front-end protrusion Two, it chatters at high speeds. Three, the rear end wobbles too much. Four, the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."

"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It may be that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur Davidson, "but according to My Computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours."

# Baseball in Heaven

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

# Seem Like Home

A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.

The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.

At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.

The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.

At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.

At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind.

At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.

When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, "Cold day in hell - the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!"

# Three Choices

A man dies and goes to Hell. The devil offers to personally escort the man around so he can choose the section of hell he would like to be in. The first section has everybody being burned constantly and getting a glass of water every 7 hours. The second section has everybody working hard and getting a glass of water every three hours. The last section has everybody knee deep in crap.

"Well, this doesn't look too bad -- and it beats being burned or working. I'll take the crap."

"Okay," says the devil. "Everybody back on their heads."

# Bound for Heaven

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees. "Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says, "Indeed I do, Father."

"Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."

He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?"

And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing."

"Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man. "Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest.

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, "No, I don't,Father."

"You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously.

"Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"

# Heaven and Hell Compared

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do.

After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a question.

"God," he said, "What is heaven like?"

God replied, "Well, normally I don't tell people this, but since you are my servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!"

The preacher looked pleased. "What is hell like?" he asked.

"Well," God said with a sigh, "the French will be the mechanics; the Italians will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers.

# Not as Good as it Looks *

John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends . One night, they both died in a terrible car accident. When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere.

Very distraught, John ran to St.Peter and said, ''St.Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!''

St. Peter said, ''My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven.''

This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a Beer keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other.

John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, ''Are you sure I'm in the right place?'

''My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer has a hole in the bottom and the blonde dosen't."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Generous Lawyer

A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the records, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that it was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait, wait! There's more! Three years ago, I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who, after a moment, nodded back to affirm that it was true.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.

# The Performance Scale

Father O'Flannagan dies due to old age. Upon entering St.Peter's gate, there is another man in front, waiting to go into heaven. St. Peter asks the man, "What is your name what did you accomplish during your life?".

The man responds "My name is Joe Cohen, and I was a New York city Taxi driver for 14 years"

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your silk robe and golden scepter, now you may walk in the streets of our Lord."

St. Peter looks at the Father, and asks "What is your name and what did you accomplish?"

He responds, "I'm Father O'Flannagan, and have devoted the last 62 years to the Lord".

"Very well," says St. Peter, "Here is your cotton robe and wooden staff, you may enter."

"Wait a minute," says O'Flannagan, "You gave the taxi driver a silk robe and golden scepter, why did I only get a cotton robe and wooden staff?".

"Well," St. Peter replied, "We work on a performance scale, you see while you preached, everyone slept, when he drove taxis, everyone prayed!"

# Important Answers

Heaven is beginning to fill up, so St. Peter decides to ask each person a question about the bible before they can enter. Three men stand at the pearly gates, waiting to get into heaven.

"How many wise men were there?" St. Peter asks the first man.

"Three." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open, and the first man enters.

"How long did the flood last?" St. Peter asks the second man.

"Forty days and forty nights." He answers, and the trumpets sound, the gates open and the second man enters.

Seeing how easily the first two answered his trivia, St. Peter thinks of a much more difficult question for the third man.

Finally, he asks, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam in the Garden?"

The man thinks and thinks, but can't come up with an answer. "Boy, that's a hard one," he finally says.

And the trumpets blow, the gates open, and the last man enters heaven.

# Ladder to Success ***

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right is standing an attractive women, and to his left is a ladder. The woman speaks, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man always eager to get ahead in life chooses to climb the ladder. The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him. Suddenly an old overweight man walks up to him. "Are you God?" the man asks. "No, I'm Sess."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# What is Easter?

Three natural blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey." St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said,"Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts." St. Peter said, "Nooo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder..."

St. Peter said, "Verrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have 6 more weeks of basketball."

# Unfair Punishment

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer making love to a beautiful woman.

"That's not fair," he complained. "I face torment for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it making love to a beautiful woman."

"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question her punishment?"

# An Important Decision

While walking down the street one day a female senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules.." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course.. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm on her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

# I'm Not Afraid

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Medina got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, the Devil himself appeared at the front of the congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years.

# A Painful Ordeal *

This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on. "Oh, that," he says, "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings."

The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now. "Oh, that," he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo."

The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell. "Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!"

"That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term:

"Is Hell exothermic [gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then (2) cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

# Clinton in Hell **

Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell. Satan is giving him a VIP tour, showing him his options for spending eternity.

They come to a room marked "Hitler." Inside is Eva Braun, torturing Adolf Hitler with red-hot irons. Every time Hitler tries to escape, Eva applies another iron.

"I can't spend eternity like that," says Clinton. "Show me something else."

Satan takes him to another room marked "Jack the Ripper." Inside are three mutilated prostitutes, stretching Jack on the rack. Every time Jack screams, the whores turn the wheel a little more.

"I can't spend eternity like that, either," says Clinton. "Show me something better."

Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex.

Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "that's for me."

Satan smirks and says "Good choice, Mr. President." He looks down at Monica and says... "You can get up now, Honey. We've finally found your replacement!"

_** Risque_

# Zebra in Heaven

A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter, "Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes."

St. Peter, "I can't answer that question...but see God walking around over there? Ask him."

Zebra to God, "God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?"

God looks at the zebra sagely and states, "You are what you are."

Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.

What did He say," asks St. Peter.

"Oh,," replies the zebra. "He just said, 'You are what you are,' and I still don't know whether I'm black with white stripes or white with black stripes."

"Oh, that's easy," says St.Peter "You are white with black stripes."

"How do you know?" asks the zebra. "Well," says St. Peter, "if you were black with white stripes he would have said 'you is what you is.'"

# Back from the Dead

An American, an Israeli and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well, " said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Israeli and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $50, we could return to the earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Israeli was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay for his!"

# Unexpected Guests

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.

"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, Two days later St. Peter got a call. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!"

# Separate Quarters

A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!"

He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.

They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside.

"Who's in that room?" the man asks.

"Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless".

They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges.

"Who's in there?" the man asks.

"That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter.

Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound."

They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room.

"Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!"

# The Key to Heaven **

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved.

"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun

"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

_** Risque_

# Is That You Father?

St. Peter has a day-off from his duties at the gates to Heaven and Jesus is standing in for him. Whilst 'booking-in' the new arrivals Jesus notices an old man in the queue who seems familiar. When this man gets to the front of the queue Jesus asks him his name.

"Joseph" is the reply, which makes Jesus more inquisitive.

"Occupation?" is the next question, the reply being "Carpenter".

Jesus is now getting quite excited.

In quite a state Jesus asks "Did you have a little boy?", the answer is "yes".

"Did he have holes in his wrists and ankles?" asks Jesus, "Yes" comes the reply. Jesus looks at the old man in front of him and with a tear in his eye shouts "FATHER, FATHER"?!

The old man looks puzzled and after a moment replies.... "Pinnochio?"

# Gay in the Hereafter *

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.

"Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks.

"Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Shorter Line

This man comes to the Pearly Gates and is a little confused as to whereto report to God to get a determination on Heaven or Hell. He sees one sign that says: "For Women" and then notices a sign that says: "For Men."

As he approaches the aisle for men, he sees one window with a sign: "For men who were dominated by women in life". The line of men standing in that line was very long.

Then he saw another sign that said :"For men who dominated women." He went to the second window and was the only one in the line.

At the window, God approached him and remarked, "Wow, I have not had a man stand in this line for over a hundred years - you must be a tough person."

"Well no," he replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

# The Afterlife

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.

After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact, "Mary . . . Mary .. . ."

"Is that you, Fred?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex. I bathe in the sun, then I have sex twice.

I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex

pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again."

"Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven."

"Not exactly, I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

# What's Over the Cliff?

A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"

"Oh, you don't wan to look down there. That's hell!"

The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," he says. Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.

"Dang!" he snaps, "Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"

# Heavenly Language

An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to start to give her a hard time.

"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.

She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."

The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going to?"

The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I already speak Russian."

# Special Treatment

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

# Capitalist or Communist Hell?

A political activist named Dave was just arriving in Hell, and was told he had a choice to make. He could go to Capitalist Hell or to Communist Hell.

Naturally, Dave wanted to compare the two, so he wandered over to Capitalist Hell. There outside the door was Rockerfeller, looking bored. "What's it like in there?" asked Dave. "Well," he replied , "In Capitalist Hell, they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let a vulture tear your liver out, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"That's terrible!!" gasped Dave. "I'm going to check out Communist Hell!" He went over to Communist Hell, where he discovered a huge line of people waiting to get in; the line circled around the lobby seven times before receding off into the horizon. Dave pushed his way through to the head of the line, where he found Karl Marx busily signing people in. Dave asked Karl what Communist Hell was like.

"In Communist Hell," said Marx impatiently, "they flay you alive, boil you in oil, chain you to a rock and let vultures tear out your liver, and cut you up into small pieces with sharp knives."

"But ... but that's the same as Capitalist Hell!" protested Dave.

"True," sighed Marx, "but sometimes we don't have oil, sometimes we don't have knives ..."

# Three Heads of State

Through some cosmic fluke, Reagan, Thatcher, and Gorbachev all died on the same day. Off they went to the gates of Heaven. Peter, seeing that these were all VIPs, sent them straight off to the Almighty.

God, sitting on his throne, called up Reagan.

"Ronald, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"

"I tried to improve the US economy," replied Reagan, "and I did my best to benefit the nation."

"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my right hand."

And so Reagan sat at his right.

God then called up Gorbachev.

"Mikhail, my son, what have you to say for yourself?"

"I tried to make Soviet society more open," replied Gorbachev, "and I did my best to improve the Soviet economy."

"Very well, my son, come up and sit beside me at my left hand."

And so Gorbachev sat at his left.

God then called up Thatcher.

"Margaret, my daughter, what have you to say for yourself?"

"Only two things," replied Thatcher. "First of all, I'm not your daughter. Secondly, get out of my chair!"

# Deadly Golf Shot

A golfer set up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing;the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming in his golf togs and asked "I see you're a golfer , how good a golfer are you?"

The golfer thought for a second about the bad hit that had killed him and then said "Not to bad actually, I got here in two." 

# The Biker Gang

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says,"I don''t really see that you ever really did anything great in your life, but Idon''t see anything really bad either."

Tell you what," St. Peter says. "If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, I''ll let you in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well there was this one time when Iwas driving down the highway and I saw a group of bikers assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of them torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, the bikers formed a circle around me.

The leader of the gang was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. So I walked straight up to him and hit him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You''re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About ten minutes ago."

# Biker in Heaven

A biker riding home from the watering hole bites the dirt and goes to meet his maker. The Almighty welcomes him with open arms but asks him for his opinion of His greatest creation... woman.

The biker thinks for a minute and responds, "Oh, she's wonderful. But let me ask you something. Why'd you make her so pretty?"

"Oh, I did that so you'd like her."

"And why'd you make her so sexy?"

"I did that so you'd like her too."

"Well then, why'd you make her so damn stupid?"

"OH, I did THAT so she'd like YOU!"

# Contract with the Devil

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?" 

# The Lawyer's Appeal

An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven.

But not at all happy with his accommodations, he complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment.

The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard.

The attorney protested that a three year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell.

When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."

# Three Dead Bikers

Three bikers, Jim, Sam, and Rick, were all killed in a motorcycle accident when they were hit by a freight train. When they got to the pearly gates of heaven they met St. Peter, who said they would each have to pass a test before they could enter heaven. The good news was that it was just a one word spelling test.

Jim said that he would be willing to take the test first and, that since he was pretty good at spelling in school, that maybe Sam and Rick could learn something from him. The trick is, he proudly announced to his friends, to spell by sounding out the letters of the word you are trying to spell.

This was ok with Sam and Rick so Jim told St. Peter he would go ahead and take the test first. St. Peter told Jim to spell GOD. Sam and Rick smiled smugly. In sounding out the word Jim muttered "gu, gu, gu, Capital G, eu, eu, eu, O, du, du, du, D, God." St. Peter said "that's good Jim, you can now enter heaven and once you are there you will receive a brand new red Suzuki Bandit. Not only that, you will receive a new one each year for all eternity to ride the golden streets of heaven all you want."

Sam steps up after St. Peter lets Jim into heaven. Sam was feeling pretty confident. St. Peter tells Sam to spell LOVE. Sam says "L-O-V-E, love" St. Peter says "that's good Sam, you may now enter the gates of Heaven." He says, "on the other side of the gate you will find a brand new 2006 Harley Road King Classic. It will have 1-1/2 inch diameter beach bars and all the brand new Kuriakan accessories you can ever want. Not only that, but you will get a new one every year." This was made Sam very happy as Rick smiled self-confidently as he got ready to step up to St. Peter.

After Sam entered heaven, Rick didn't notice that St. Peter was kind of eyeing him funny like, and St. Peter excused himself for a few minutes as he went over to read in his journal about Rick. Rick was wondering self-confidently what kind of bike would be waiting for him in Heaven. St. Peter came back and he wasn't smiling, as he tells Rick, "O.K. Rick, spell ALBUQUERQUE."

# Theology of Health

In the Beginning, God Created the heavens and the Earth, and the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit, "and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth."

And so God created man in his own image: male and female created he them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and ;yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheesburger. And Satan sad to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that Woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained ten pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained ten pounds and his LDL cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth Nike and New Balance running shoes, and Man resolved to loose those extra pounds.

An Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another twenty pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil!" and God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also. And Man cluthced his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's.

# Interviews with God

God is sitting on his golden throne in heaven interviewing three US presidents, to determine their appropriate placement in heaven. The three presidents are: George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump.

God: George what do you think?

George: I am humbled to be here before you and appologetic about some of the things I did while I was president. I made a lot of mistakes and sometimes embarrased myself, but I was a true patriot and did my best to protect the country from those who wished us harm.

God: I will overlook your faults and appreciate your honest assessment of your service to your country. Please sit beside me on my left side. Barrack what do you think?

Barack: I too am humbled to be here before you and know that I also could have done a better job. But I did my best to secure jobs and health care for those who needed it most in our country.

God: I recognize that you couldn't do all that you would have liked to have done and appreciate all that you did do for the country. Please sit next to me on my right side. Donald what do you think?

Donald: I think you're sitting in my seat!

# Chapter 3

# Hobo & Drunk Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a hobo in a boxcar may appear here and in the Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# The Old Bar Fly *

If ever there was a bar fly it was old Clyde. He spent most of his time in the local bar, where he would swap jokes, tall tales, or gossip for a drink. He was a colorful old guy and everybody liked him. One of the regulars named Jack had been out of town on business for a month and came back to the bar for a drink and to catch up on the news.

The minute Jack walked through the door, he spotted old Clyde at his favorite stool at the bar. Jack sat down beside Clyde and ordered a drink. Then he ask Clyde what he had been doing. Clyde's response was that everything in the bar, and in his life, had been pretty much the same for the last month, except for last Wednesday.

Jack asked "what happened last Wednesday?'

Clyde then became very animated as he relayed the story. "It was about ten in the evening when the cops staged a raid on the bar to break up the illegal poker game going on in the back room. It was a real wild night with lights flashing, sirens blaring and cops everywhere. I was in the men's room taking a piss when it all came down, and I got so excited, I zipped it right off!!!"

"Oh, come on Clyde you didn't really zip it off," Jack said laughingly.

"I sure did said Clyde", looking dead serious while he reaches into his right pants pocket and retrieves a small, brown cylindrical object and shows it to Jack, "and here it is."

Jack looks at the object in Clyde's hand and says "Clyde, that's just one of your old cigar butts."

Clyde puts the cigar butt on the bar and goes back into the same pocket and retrieves another object saying "here it is, I told you I wasn't lying."

Jack looks at the object in Clyde's hand and says "Clyde, that's just another cigar butt."

Clyde places the second cigar butt on the bar and is fishing in his left pants pocket when he retrieves an object, thrusts it under Jacks nose and says "no wonder I couldn't find it before, it was in my left pocket!"

"Sorry Clyde'" Jack responds "but it's just another cigar butt."

Clyde places the third cigar butt on the bar and looking puzzled as he pats down the rest of his pockets, says "you don't suppose I smoked it do you?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Cold and Lonely

A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he needs to take a leak, so he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.

There's a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, "Help me, I'm cold! Someone help me, I'm cold!"

At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar to take a leak, and hears the noise.

He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, "Of course you're cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!"

# You Look Familiar

A man,obviously drunk, walks into the front door of a bar. He staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served. The bartender offers to call a cab for him. The drunk softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment confused, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. Finally fed up, the bartender comes over and tells him that he'll either call a cab or the cops, and that the drunk has

five seconds to decide which it'll be.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

# Toilet Training

A drunk staggered up to the bartender and asked him for directions to the men's room. The drunk then staggers off to the restroom. After about 15 minutes the bartender and all the other bar patrons hear the drunk screaming in pain - then silence - then more screaming.

Finally the bartender reluctantly goes to the restroom to check on him. He looks in the men's room and he's not there. Then he checks the ladies room and he's not there either. Finally he goes to the end of the hall and opens a door and there is the drunk.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps squeezing my testicles!"

"Sir, this is the janitors closet and you're sitting on a mop bucket."

# Free Drink Routine ***

One day, two drunks were stumbling around in the streets of New York, when they decided that they were beginning to get sober. They checked their pockets to see how much money they had on them. They were disappointed to only find $1.25.

Finally after a period of deep and intense thought, the first drunk got an idea. He went to a hot dog stand, bought a hot dog, and went to a bar to begin drinking. They did shot after shot, until the bartender told the two that if they wanted any more drinks they better show him that they had some money to pay for them.

The first drunk opened his zipper and put the wiener through the opening. The second drunk then got down and start sucking on it. The bartender cursed them and made them leave. They went to bar after bar with this routine until they were totally drunk. They staggered out into the streets, satisfied and wasted.

"Man," the second drunk said, "I've got to admit, that hot dog trick worked great."

"Actually," the first drunk said, "I got hungry and ate the hot dog after we got thrown out of the second bar!"

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# When Does the Bar Open?

At 3 AM a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens.

"It opens at noon" answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even drunker.

"What time does the bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I can have room service send something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

# Strange Dreams*

It's a very cold winter's night, so three homeless guys are sleeping in an alley and huddle up close to stay warm.

When they wake up in the morning, the guy on the left says, "I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."

The guy on the right says, "Yea me too, I had a dream somebody was pulling on my dick."

The guy in the middle says, "I had a dream I went Skiing."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Cheap Booze

A gay guy has struck out at the gay bar and is going home alone and horney. As he passes by an alley he notices a drunk who has passed out in the alley and is laying face down. Since no one is around he has his way with the drunk. As he is leaving he starts feeling guilty about what he has done, so he leaves a $20 bill in the drunks hand.

The drunk wakes up the next morning and finds a $20 bill in his hand. He immediately goes down to the liquor store and asks the clerk for two bottles of his cheapest whiskey. The clerk sells him the whiskey and the drunk goes back to the alley and gets drunk again. The next night the same gay guy and a buddy come by the alley and find the drunk passed out again. This time they both have their way with him and each leave a $20 bill in his hand. The next morning the drunk wakes up and finds $40 in his hand. Again he goes into the liquor store.

"Two bottles of my cheapest wiskey -- right," says the clerk.

"No," says the drunk, "I'd like two bottles of your best wiskey this time."

"Why the change of heart?" says the clerk.

"I'm swearing off the cheap booze," says the drunk, "it's starting to make my ass hurt."

# Can You Spare Two Bucks?

A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street, "Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?"

The well dressed man responds, "You're not going to spend it on liquor are you?"

"No sir, I don't drink," the bum responds.

"You're not going to throw it away in a poker game are you?" asks the man.

"No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.

"You wouldn't waste the money at a golf course for greens fees would you?" asks the man.

"Never," says the bum, "I don't play golf."

The man asks the bum if he would like to come home with him for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they are heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.

"Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"

"Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, play poker or golf."

# Paint the Porch

A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

# Foolproof Approach *

A drunk is leaning against a lightpost on the corner of a busy street. Whilst gazing blearily around, he notices a smartly dressed young man standing a few feet away, watching the people pass by. As the drunk is watching, a lovely lady comes walking along, and the young man says something to her. She immediately smiles, shakes her head, and takes his hand. The two of them together go up the stairs of a nearby row house, and inside.

A short while later, the two come back down the stairs, grinning from ear to ear. They embrace affectionately, and the lady departs.

This happens several times in the next few hours with different ladies. Once the lady frowned, and after some further words from the young man, merely nodded her head and walked on. The drunk strained his ears to hear what was being said, but just couldn't make it out. Finally, his curiosity overcame his need for vertical support, and he stumbled over to the young man.

"Shay bud", says the drunk, "Wha' goin on?"

"Yes, I saw you watching," says the young man, " I wondered when you would come over. Well, it's like this. I watch the people. When I see a lady that takes my fancy, I walk up to her and say, softly, 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' If she is agreeable to the idea, we go upstairs to my room, and have a good time. If she becomes upset, I merely say, 'Typical nasty weather.' She assumes that she misheard me the first time, and just keeps going. I can't loose!"

" Thas a grate idea!" Says the drunk," Ill have to run home and try it mysel."

So the drunk wobbles to his own home and stands leaning against the fence. Soon a very lovely lady comes walking briskly along, and the drunk decides that this is his CHANCE. So he stumbles over to the lady and grabs her arm.

Yes? Says the young lady

"HEY BABE," says the drunk, "C'N I STICK A FEATHER UP YOUR ASS?"

"WHAT?" Shouts the young lady

Drunk: (looking at the sky) "Fuckin rain!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# There's Plenty for Everyone

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two hobos eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one hobo.

"We don't have any money for food.", the hobo replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other hobo.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second hobo answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

# Bad Shortcut

A drunk leaves a bar and decides to take a shortcut through a graveyard. It is raining heavily and very dark. The drunk fails to see an open grave and falls into it. He tries to climb out of it, but it is too deep and the rain has turned the dirt to mud and has made it too slippery to climb. He gives up after a while and decides to spend the night there.

A while later, another drunk leaves the same bar and decides to take the same shortcut through the graveyard. He, too, falls into that open grave and tries to climb out but the mud is too slippery. The first drunk is still sitting there and watches as the other drunk tries but fails to get out.

The first drunk stands up, taps the second drunk on the shoulder and tells him, "You'll never get out!"

He did.

# Road Kill Special *

Two hobos, Ben and Willie, have been riding all day long in an empty boxcar on a westbound freight train. They are about fifty miles out of Wichita, Kansas when the train pulls into a siding to wait for an oncoming train to pass.

"We haven't had anything to eat all day long," says Ben, "Let's hop off here and see if we can find something to eat around here. Then we can hop the next westbound freight tomorrow.

"Good idea," says Willie, "I'm starved too."

The two hobos walk over to the highway and start walking toward Wichita. It is the dead of winter, however, and the fields are barren and covered with snow. After about a half an hour of walking they come to a possum which has been run over on the road.

"It's cold and it's stiff," says Ben, "but is food and there is enough here for the both of us."

"No," says Willie, "you go ahead, I'm going to wait for something better."

So Ben eats the whole possum by himself and they keep walking down the highway. About a half an hour later Ben gets sick and throws up on the road. At that point Willie gets down on his knees takes out a spoon and says: "This is what I've been waiting for -- a warm meal."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Drunken Confession

This priest was hearing a woman's confession when a drunk stumbled into the booth on the opposite side. As the priest was finishing with her he heard the drunk groaning as if in quite some pain.

The priest then slid open the other panel and asked, "Are you sick?"

All he heard was another groan. He asked again, "Are you ok?"

The drunk finally replied, "Yeah, I feel lots better. Do you have any toilet paper on your side?"

# No Place to Sleep

Ned was a colorful old hobo and he had been riding in a boxcar all day when the train pulled into the rail yard of a small Midwestern town. Feeling a little hungry, Ned walked into the center of town where he found some food in a dumpster behind a busy restaurant and then started to look for a place to sleep. In the town square was an old park, with a statue of a civil war general and a couple of park benches. But the benches were hard and the wind was starting to pick up, so Ned went looking for a warmer and softer place to sleep.

Walking down the block he spotted a funeral home and tried the front door. It was open, but it appeared that no one was around. Ned walked in and looked around. It was out of the weather, but the wooden pews in the chapel did not appear to be any softer than the park benches. Then Ned noticed a casket open for display in the foyer. It was softly padded and had a large silk pillow inside, so Ned climbed inside and fell quickly asleep. The undertaker was late for dinner, so he did not notice Ned in the open casket by the wall as he hurriedly locked the front door and left for the night.

Amos had been out of work for almost three months and was glad to finally get a job in the same small Midwestern town. Unfortunately it was as the night janitor in a funeral home. It was his first night on the job and he was very shaky as he approached the large, old stone building and put his key in the lock. His long standing fear of graveyards and mortuaries was made even worse by the fact that it was getting dark outside and the wind was now whistling through the bare trees making a very spooky sound.

As he entered the large empty building it was only dimly lit in the large foyer. Before he could become accustomed to the dim light, he noticed that there was an open casket in the room with a corpse laid out in it. Knowing that he would not be able to handle this, yet knowing he desperately needed the work, Amos closed the top of the casket and thought he could just pretend that it was unoccupied.

Awakened by the closing lid, and the now totally dark casket, Ned angrily woke up, pushed the top of the casket open and yelled "Jesus, cant a guy rest in peace around here!"

Nobody in town ever saw Amos again, although based on the hole in the mortuary wall, he had originally been heading south.

# Rooms Under Repair

One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."

"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."

"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."

"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the hookers and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death in the act and fall to the sidewalk.

A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."

# Fellow Veteran

A British army officer spotted a street bum at the bottom of the escalator of the London Underground. The bum had a sign which read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR."

The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!"

Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, the officer took 20 pounds out of his wallet and gave it to the bum.

The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Senor!!"

# Two Beggars

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning. They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other beggar's hat remains empty.

A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the beggar with the Star of David around his neck "My son, surely you realize you are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning, sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?"

On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the other beggar and says "Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us how to run our business!"

# What's Going On?

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.

Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had witnessed the entire incident, walked up to him and asked, "What the heck is going on?"

The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

# Lay Them on the Bar **

Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises. Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest.

The bartender suggested, "Put them on the bar so we can compare."

So the five drunks all kneel on their bar stools and lay their cocks on the bar.

About that time, a little gay drunk staggered in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet."

_** Risque_

# Won Big in Vegas

A blonde drunk and a brunette drunk are sitting in a back alley sharing a cheap bottle of wine. The brunette bum tells the blonde that he was once a wealthy stock broker until the market went bad and then he lost all his money and his job as well. He then asks the blonde guy what his story was.

"Well," says the blonde bum, "I too was a successful businessman until I went to Las Vegas on a business convention and hit it big in a high stakes poker game. As soon as I got home, I moved out of my house and told my wife she could have the house, the car, and everything else. I had hated her for years and just wanted a quick divorce. Then I went to work the next morning, quit my job on the spot and told the boss what I really thought of him."

"So what about all the money you won in Vegas?" asks the bewildered brunette bum. "Are you sure that you won?"

"I can't figure that out either," says the blonde bum, "but I must have won, because I went to Vegas in a $25,000 car and came back in a $200,000 bus.

# No Doze

Two drunks are at a bar, drinking up a storm.

One drunk says to the other drunk, "Did you sleep with my wife last night?"

To which the other drunk replies, "Not a wink."

# Moon or the Sun?

Two drunks are walking along the street together.

One drunk says, "What a beautiful night. Look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend.

"You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun."

Both start arguing for a while, when they come upon another drunk walking, so they stop him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looks at the sky and then looks at them and says, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

# Hobo Lion Tamer

Two hobos are riding on a circus train. They have been riding the rods on the circus train for a week and when the circus opens in each town they panhandle the crowd for enough money to buy a hot dog and then they slip under the tent and watch the show.

After the first week the first hobo says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that." 

# I Want Her Back Again

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!" 

# Can't Find My Car

A drunk was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.

'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.

'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.

'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'. 

# A Round for the House

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt.

He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.

Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink." 

# Sense of Smell *

A drunk goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"

The drunk man replies......."Oh, then it must be your feet."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Discerning Drinker

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.

He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

At one point an old drunk, who was sitting at the other end of the bar watching all this, comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

"This is piss!" he yells.

The old drunk nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?" 

# Drunk and Ugly

A drunk staggers out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby woman.

She takes one look at him.

"You, sir, are drunk!"

"And you ma'am, are ugly. But when I wake up in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly!" 

# The Ghost Car

This hobo was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a real dark night , just outside a little town in the bayou country of Louisiana, in the middle of a thunder storm. Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly approaching and appearing ghostlike in the rain. It slowly crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the hobo jumped in the car and closed the door, only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel. The car slowly started moving and the hobo was terrified, too scared to think of jumping out and running. The hobo saw that the car was slowly approaching a sharp curve, still too scared to jump out, he started to pray and beg for his life; he was sure the ghost car would go off the road and into the bayou and he would surely drown, when just before the curve, a hand appeared thru the driver's window and turned the steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend.

Paralyzed with fear, the hobo watched the hand reappear every time they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and voice quavering, ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized the hobo was telling the truth and had been stone sober at the time.

About half an hour later two rain soaked cajuns walked into the bar and one says to the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we was pushin it in the rain."

# Drunk and Disorderly

A drunk stumbles out of a bar one night and passes a woman walking her dog.

The man stops her and asks, "Hey where'd ya get the pig?"

The woman replies, "Listen you drunken bastard, that's a dog not a pig."

The man then said, "Take it easy, I was talking to the dog"

# Call Me an Ambulance

A drunk stumbles out of a bar, and starts to stagger home. One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.

The guy limps up to the drunk and says "Call me an ambulance!"

The drunk looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

# Shall We Dance?

Two old hobos, Fred and Wally, found a wallet in the alley with almost a hundred dollars in it. So they go to the local bar and start drinking up their new found wealth. After a couple of hours of drinking the are pretty drunk and almost broke again. Suddenly Fred notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner of the bar.

Fred says to Wally, "jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

Wally replies, "well go ahead and ask her, don't be such a chicken."

So Fred approaches the lovely woman and says, "excuse me. would you be so kind as to dance with me?"

Seeing that the old hobo is totally drunk, and probably broke as well, the woman says, "I'm sorry. right now I'mcontemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance."

So Fred humbly returns to his friend Wally.

"So what did she say?" asks Wally.

Fred responds, "she said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather shit in her pants."

# Custom Tattoos

A hooker walks into a tattoo parlor and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The hooker sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the hooker asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'

# Too Drunk to Serve

A drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.

After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.

As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.

He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying, "Buddy, I think your girl friend has gone home."

# A Stranger in Need

Not too long ago I was awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. After I had slowly come to my senses, mustered the courage to go answer the door. There on my porch was a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.

"Not a chance" I said. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

Frustrated at the sleep I just lost; I closed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked my wife, as I crawled back under the dry covers.

"Just some drunken guy asking for a push," I answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and pouring outside."

"Well, you have a short memory," my wife said. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

She was right. So I got up, dressed, and went out into the pounding rain.

"Hello, are you still there?" I called out into the dark, almost hoping there would be no reply.

"Yes," a voice answered.

I sighed. "Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!"

"Where are you?" I asked.

"Over here, on the swing!"

# What a Relief

After having had several drinks in a bar, a hobo staggers out and starts walking down the street with one foot in the gutter And the other on the curb.

A policeman comes up to the hobo and says, "Hey there buddy you're too drunk to be out on the street, so I'm going to throw you into the slammer for the night."

Whereupon the hobo says, "That's a relief Officer, for a while there I thought I was homeless and crippled too."

# Horny Old Drunks

Two old drunks were sitting at a rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. The first drunk looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. He smiles and says "I sure wish that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. "

"Hell,"the second drunk says, "I just wish it were dark."

# Get in Your Pants *

A drunk staggers into a lounge and notices this attractive lady sitting by herself. The drunk walks over, sits down beside her, and says: "You know baby, I would sure like to get into your pants."

Unshaken by his rude comment, the lady calmly looks around at the drunk and says: "I already have an asshole in my pants, why would I want another one?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# A Dribble Martooni

A very drunk woman stumbles into a bar and says, "Beer tender, give me a dribble martooni, and put a pickle in it."

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, "Beer tender, give me another dribble martooni, and put a pickle in it."

He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.

She says, "Beer tender, give me another dribble martooni, and you better put two pickles in it, because... because I've got heartburn."

The bartender says, "Look, lady...it's not beer tender, it's bartender. It's not a martooni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an olive and you haven't got heartburn, you have your left tit in the ashtray!"

# Two Forks and a Straw *

Three bums were outside a bar. The first one went in and asked for a fork. The second one went in and also asked for a fork. Then the third one went in and wanted a straw. At this point, the bartender became curious.

"How come all your friends want forks and you want a straw?"

"Well," the bum said, "the dog threw up and the chunks are all gone."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Chapter 4

# Hooker & Stripper Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a stripper in a courtroom may apear here and in the Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# What a Deal *

George is out of town on business and has nothing to do after he eats dinner alone in the hotel restaurant. He goes back to his room, but nothing is on television and he is bored. So he goes down to the lobby and has the has the doorman flag him down a cab.

"Where to buddy?" says the cabby.

"I don't know" says George, "I'm bored and looking for a little action, any suggestions?"

"Well I know of a place where you can get some great sex and loose weight too," responds the cabby.

"You've got to be kidding", says George.

"I'm not," says the cabby "they have great looking girls and the weight loss is guaranteed."

A few minutes later George arrives at the place the cabby had described. George goes in and confirms that they are in fact running a fitness brothel. At the recommendation of the proprietor he starts out slow and selects the five pound starter program. For this program he is led to a large room with a number of ramps and stairs. Soon after George enters the room an attractive blonde wearing nothing but a pair of running shoes enters the room. She is carrying a sign saying:"If you catch me, I'm yours."After about an hour George finally catches the blonde and they have wild sex for another half hour. After he showers, George weighs himself and can't believe his eyes, he has lost six pounds.

The next night George returns to the same place and signs up for the ten pound program. This time he is taken to an even larger room equipped like an obstacle course with walls to climb over, ropes up to and down from high platforms, moats to swim through, and a large running track filled with dry sand. This time a beautiful, athletic looking, redhead wearing only running shoes comes in with a sign saying: "If you catch me I'm yours." After two hours of chasing the redhead George finally catches her and then spends almost an hour reaping his reward. This time he weighs himself and is elated that he has lost a whopping twelve pounds.

The next night George is back and wants to sign up for the twenty pound program. The proprietor warns him that this is a very intensive workout this early in his conditioning regiment. George is insistent, however, citing his success with the five and ten pound programs, and explaining that this is his last night in town before returning home. Reluctantly the proprietor agrees and leads him to a room which is larger and more challenging than the first two rooms combined.

As George is contemplating his impending twenty pound weight loss as well as the great sex, a large male gorilla enters the room with a sign reading: "If I catch you, you're mine!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Hard to Resist **

Three soldiers head into town after receiveing the first pass they have had in three weeks. After a few beers in a downtown tavern they find their way to an out-of-the-way brothel. They go in and ask about the price. "Depends on what you get," says the proprietor, "we've got a $25 deal, a $35 deal and a $50 deal. It's all up to you."

The first soldier says, "well I'm a little short this month, so I'm going to try out the $25 deal." So he goes into the room and comes out about a half hour later with a big grin on his face. "Well how was the $25 deal?", his friends ask. "It was great" he says, "this nice looking bruenette comes in with nothing on, we have a little foreplay and then she takes a pineapple ring out of a can puts it around my cock and eats it off. It was great!"

The second soldier says, "That sounded great, I think I'm going to try the $35 deal." After about forty-five minutes the second soldier comes out of the room with an even bigger grin on his face than the first soldier. "What was the $35 deal like?' his friends inquire. "Well," he explains, "This great looking blonde comes in with nothing on, we have a little foreplay and then she takes two pineapple rings puts them both around my cock and eats them off." It was fantastic!!"

The third soldier says "I'm pretty well off this month and I've just got to try the $50 deal. So he goes into the room and comes out in about an hour with a bigger grin than the first two soldiers combined. "Well how was it?' ask his buddies with great excitement, "we're dieing to know what the $50 deal was like." "Well", says the third soldier, "this fantastic looking redhead comes in wearing nothing but a smile, we have a lot of foreplay and then she puts three pineapple rings around my cock, piles on some whipping cream, sprinkels on some nuts, and tops it off with a cherry."

"Well then what happened?" ask the first two soldiers, obviously excited by the story.

"It looked so damned good I ate it myself," confessed the third soldier.

_** Risque_

# Comparing Notes

Three hookers are comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

"I entertained a cowboy last night", says the first. "How did you know he was a cowboy?", asks the second. "Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were together." "Sounds like a cowboy, all right." the others say.

"I entertained a lawyer," announces the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all he time." They agree he sounded like a lawyer.

"I had a dirt farmer for a client," comments the third. "How could you possibly know he was a dirt farmer?" she is asked. "First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

# Take a Tip from Me *

Paul was entertaining out-of-town business clients and knew that he had to treat them well if he wanted to get the big contract they were negotiating. After a productive day of negotiations, he had taken them to the best restaurant in town for a very nice and very expensive dinner. As they were having an after dinner drink one of the clients says "It's still early Paul, why don't you show us some of the night life in this town."

Paul takes them to the hottest, nude strip club in town. After a particularly sexy stripper had finished her dance one of the clients tells her to turn around, then pulls out a twenty dollar bill licks it and sticks it to the left cheek of her shapley ass. The second client then pulls out a fifty, licks it and sticks it on the right cheek. Attention is now centered on Paul.

Knowing that he now was expected to top both tips to impress his out-of-town clients and that he was already over his authorized expense allowance for this night, Paul had an idea. He pulls out his wallet, takes out his credit card, swipes the magnetic strip down the crack of her ass, and very suavely says "Nice dance honey, make it an even hundred."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Shy Guy *

A large black limousine pulls up outside a brothel. A tall uniformed chauffeur gets out and goes into the brothel and locates the proprietor. "I work for a very wealthy recluse who is interested in a discrete sexual encounter with one of your prostitutes, but he is very shy and self-conscious about his body. You should also know that he is very rich and very lonely and if you succeed in satisfying his urges you will have a repeat customer to whom price is no object."

Thrilled by the prospect of a rich, repeat customer, the proprietor lines up her best girl and her best room. she also informs the girl about the guy's shyness and tells her to keep the lights out. The guy comes in a trench coat with the collar pulled up, sun glasses, and a hat pulled down over his eyes. After about fifteen minutes, the chauffeur comes to the proprietor and says this is not working out, apparently there is enough light coming through the shade to make the recluse self-conscious.

Not wanting to loose the business, the proprietor suggests a solution. She makes a few calls and then tells the chauffeur that she has located a very attractive prostitute from another establishment who is blind. The chauffeur informs his boss that they have located a girl who could not see him even in a lit room so he agrees to give it another try. A few Minutes after the blind girl and the recluse go into the room, the chauffeur again returns to the proprietor and again informs her that things are not working out. "What is wrong this time," the proprietor asks. "Well even though the girl is blind she is still able to feel his skinny ribs and even though she is telling him what a stud he is, my boss says he knows what she is really thinking," responds the chauffeur.

Still not willing to give up on this potentially lucrative venture, the proprietor tells the chauffeur that she has one more idea. This time she locates a blow-up-doll with life-like skin and all the right orifices for a sexual encounter. The chauffeur tells the recluse that the next girl will not feel his body nor say anything and convinces him to give it one more try. The proprietor puts the doll in a dark room, so that the recluse will not know that the girl is not real. After several minutes both the proprietor and the chauffeur are optimistic that they have come across the perfect solution.

Then the recluse appears in the doorway fully dressed with his hat, coat, and sunglasses. The chauffeur goes over and talks to the recluse then comes back to the proprietor, hands her a hundred dollar bill, and says "This is for your efforts, but apparently we will not be coming back." "What went wrong this time?" inquires the proprietor. The chauffeur put his hand to his mouth and whispered, "Apparently everything was going fine until the girl farted and flew out the window."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Price is Right

Two Washington D.C. prostitures are working the area around the White House one day when Bill Clinton comes around the corner on one of his jogging outings. He stops for a moment to catch his breath and engages them in conversation.

"Just out of curiousity, how much do you girls charge," Bill asks. "Fifty dollars," one of the girls answers. "That's outrageous," Bill responds, "why back in Arkansas you can get any girl you want for ten dollars." With that Bill shakes his head in disbelief and continues to jog on down the block and back to the White House

A few days later the same two hookers are working Pennslvania Avenue and see Bill Clinton again, this time he is dressed if a dark suit and has Hillary on his arm. One of the prostitutes turns to the other and says "Well I guess you get what you pay for!!"

# To Put it Another Way *

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES.......$50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES."

They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took their sign down and took off.

The foll owing day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy bust, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which read.........."TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER.....$50.00."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Night Court

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself. The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research' by now. My computer sez you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested." This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation. The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker." Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives around, I can't turn a single trick."

# A Misunderstanding

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!

# Something You Should Know

A couple met on a golf course, and fell in love.

On the third golf date it was obvious that their relationship was getting ready to move to a deeper level. Over dinner at the 19th hole he guy said, "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a golf nut. I live, eat, breathe, and sleep golf."

The lady said, "Well, since we are being honest here, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a hooker."

The guy looked down to ground, and thought for a minute, and then looked up and said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

# First Liberty ***

A young guy named Phil, who is just out of high school, enlists in the Navy. Like all the other recruits he has been confined to the base all during his basic training. Then they are told that they have one liberty before they ship out for a three month cruise. All of the other sailors have lined up dates for one last fling before they ship out.

Phil doesn't know any girls in the area and has always been too shy to pick up girls. However, he certainly doesn't want to have to tell all his shipmates that he spent his liberty on base at the library or watching television in the barracks. So he takes his car into town and looks for a hooker. By the time Phil gets into town the only hooker he can find is a seasoned vetran, who is easily three times his age. However, Phil is a man on a mission and he will not go back without a story.

Since Phil's only experiences in high school had been some light petting in his car, he picks up the old hooker and takes her up to Lookout Point. After fondling her sagging breasts for a few minutes he goes south and slips in his finger. After a few seconds of this the hooker says "Sony that's nowhere near enough." At this Phil slips in a second finger, but the hooker is still complaining that its isn't enough. Next he puts in his entire hand, and begins working it up to the wrist.

Starting to move around a little, the old hooker says "That's better, but I could still go for more."

At this point Phil sticks in both hands and shoves them in almost to the elbow.

"Now clap," says the hooker with a smile.

"I can't" says Phil.

"Tight isn't it?" the old hooker says proudly..

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# The Contest ***

A prostitute had just finished giving a customer a blow job. Without saying a word, she reaches under the bed and pulls out a two quart jar almost full of milky liquid. She then unscrewed the top and spit the contents of her mouth into the container.

"Most girls just swallow" it, remarks the customer, as he is putting on his trousers.

"Normally I do too," remarks the prostitute, "but I have a contest going with another girl down the hall."

"What kind of contest?" inquires the customer.

"A contest to see who can fill their jar first," responds the prostitute.

"What is the prize?" the customer asks.

"Oh," the prostitute says "the first one to fill her jar gets to drink both jars."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Let's Cut to the Chase *

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "Let's cut to the chase, I'll screw anybody, any time, any place, it doesn't matter to me as long as the money is right."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No kidding, are you a hooker?"

"No," replies the woman, "I'm an lawyer."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Lucky Roll

Two bored dealers are manning an empty craps table for a large Las Vegas Casino at three O'clock in the morning. A very attractive blonde woman comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

After she has placed her bet, she says, "I hope you boys don't mind, but I'm a stripper by trade and I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she yanks off a one piece jump suit to reveal the most gorgeous body either of them has ever seen. Then while they are standing there gawking, with their eyes popping out of their heads, she rolls the dice while yelling, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollers .. "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" and begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. With that, she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?"

The other answers, "I donno, I thought YOU were watching!"

# Successful Son

Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate.

After several weeks the minister was overcome with curiosity and approached her.

"I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he said to her.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need, I give to the church."

"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

"Oh, about $2,000 a week."

"Really! Your son must be very successful, what does he do for a living?"

"He's a veterinarian," she answered proudly.

"That is an honorable profession." said the minister. "Where does he practice?"

"Well, he has one cat house in Nevada and just opened a second one in Texas."

# A Sensible Solution

Fred and Barney were sitting on the porch of the Retired Veterans home discussing politics as usual.

"Well I see that Congress has just appropriated a billion dollars to improve airline security and two billion to keep the airlines solvent until they get people to feel comfortable flying again ," says Fred as he puts down his newspaper.

"I could save them all that money."says Barney, "and accomplist the same results."

"How would you do that?", says Fred.

"I'd replace all the stewardesses with strippers," says Barney.

"What would that accomplish?" asks Fred.

"Well first the Muslim men would stop flying because they are not allowed to look at a naked woman", says Barney, "and second, the business men would probably double their flying time just to get to see the strippers, especially if it is on the company tab."

# The Truth Hurts *

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nobody in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night".

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed".

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Pass it Along *

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. that's the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door.

The madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and mom will go to bed and have sex, and mom will catch it.

In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with mom and catch the disease, and he's the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Blonde Cowboy

A sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The cowboy replies, "Well, it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her, so I did...."

"We get to the door and she asks me to give her $20 , so I did..."

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did..."

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did..."

"Then she pulls off her underwear and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did..."

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, 'Now go to town, Cowboy...'"

"So here I am."

# The Union House

A dedicated teamster union worker was attending a convention in LasVegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madam responded, "why yes sir, this is a union house."

The man asked, "and if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the UAWman said. He handed the madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority....."

# Taking Care of the Troops

George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops. They were packed into the boats. It wasextremely dark and storming furiously. The water was tossing them back and forth.

Finally Washington grabbed Corporal Peters and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered Peters to keep swinging it so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters stood up braving the wind and driving rain, swinging the antern back and forth. A while later a big gust of wind hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.

Washington and his troops searched for hours trying to find Corporal Peters but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for Corporal Peters had been one their favorites. Later Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them they must go on.

After several hours, Washington and his men could go no further. One of his men said, "General, I see lights ahead." They trudged towards the lights and came upon a huge house there in the woods. What they didn't know was this was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open and the madam looked out to see Washington and all his men standing there. A huge smile came across her face to see so many men.

Washington spoke up, "Ma'm, I'm General George Washington and these are my men. We're tired, exhausted and desperately need warmth and comfort for a while."

Again the Madam looked at all the men standing there and with a broad smile on her face said, "Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington said " Well Ma'am, there are thirty-two of us without Peters."

The madam said, "You Gotta Be Shitting Me!"

# Afflicted with Arthritis

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked. "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long had arthritis?"

"I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

# Too Young to Understand

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney., but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven- year-old?"

# Turn About is Fair Play

A guy is on a date with this girl, so he takes her to Lover's Lane.

When they get up there, she says, ''I have to be honest with you, I'm a hooker.''

The guy thinks about this for a short time and says it's okay. He agrees to pay her $25 and they start having sex.

After they finish, the guy says, ''I have to be honest with you now. I'm a cab driver and it'll cost you $25 for me to drive you back into town.''

# Brilliant Observation **

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were walking through a park, when they passed three women, eating bananas.

"Good evening, ladies," said Sherlock. After they passed, Watson asked if he knew those women.

"No, Watson, I don't know them, but I can tell you that the first one was a virgin, the second a prostitute, and the third a newlywed."

"That's amazing Holmes," says Watson, "how did you deduce that?"

"Elementary, my dear Watson. The virgin was eating the banana by breaking it into small pieces. The prostitute was shoving entire the banana into her mouth. And the new bride was holding the banana with one hand and forcing her head down with the other."

_** Risque_

# Extremely Bad Luck

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long. Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times.

After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.

"How's the food there?" asks the hooker.

"Not too bad," says the guy,"why do you ask?"

"Because," says the hooker, "I'm scheduled to go in there tomorrow!"

# Monk Test of Purity

Three Irish monks have passed all tests, except for one. It is the test of purity. So the other monks tie bells to their dicks and put them in a room with a beautiful naked stripper the monastery has hired specifically for this test.

She dances in front of the first one, and, sure enough, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower, now!" she commands, and he goes to take a shower.

So the srtipper dances in front of the next one, and, after a couple of minutes, he goes 'ding-ding!'

"Go take a cold shower with your brother!" she yells, and he leaves. Now she goes to the last one, dancing in front of him. He doesnt ring. The stripper nods.

"Good, you've passed. Go take a shower with your brothers."

"Ding-ding!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Meet the Family

A young Irish lad had fallen in love with a girl and felt the relationship had gone far enough to take her home to meet his family.

So, one fine Sunday evening the lad, his lady friend and the rest of the family (17 or so people) were gathered around the dining room table.

The matriarch or the family asked the girlfriend, "So, tell me, lass, what is your occupation?"

The girl hesitated and said, "Well, Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

Immediately the lad's mother fainted and was surrounded by a dozen family members who splashed her face with water. Finally, she regained consciousness, returned to her seat. Soon, the family calmed down and resumed the meal.

At that point, the mother asked again, "Forgive me, dearie. I don't think I heard you correctly.... what is your occupation?"

Again the girl answered, "Mrs. O'Malley, I'm a prostitute."

The mother laughed and said, "Oh my, dearie, for a moment there I thought you said you were a Protestant!

# Good Retort **

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money."

She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."

_** Risque_

# The Happy Koala **

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he's done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there is a prostitute in the back room who would give him a really great time. The koala decides why not and goes into the back room. There he meets the prostitute, who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had.

After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, "How about my money," the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said...PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.

_** Risque_

# Excessive Blood Loss

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up. "Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "Hemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a hemophiliac. Tell me, how much you lose when you have your period?"

After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess."

# Embarrassing Situation

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

# A Survey Discrepancy

A psychiatrist is involved in a sex research project for the State University. As he is processing some of the material he has collected he notices some confusing data. To clear up the discrepancy he phones one of the participants in a recent survey to double check the information.

The psychiatrist asks the guy, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'. Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the guy, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

# A Room for the Night

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

# Nursing Home Quickie **

There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says, "How about a quickie for twenty bucks?"

She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says, "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you fifty bucks."

In reply, the nurse says, "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose!"

_** Risque_

# Turn to Stone

A Young hillbilly kid from the hills of West Virginia had joined the navy and was on liberty with his shipmates in New York City. When his friends had found out that he had never been to a strip show and had never seen a naked woman, they took him to a strip club and had a great time watching his reaction.

After a few table dances, the young hillbilly got up from his table and ran outside the club. One of his buddies followed him out to see what was the matter.

"Are you OK," says the shipmate.

"I don't know," says the hillbilly, "my mama told me if I looked at anything bad I'd turn to stone.... and I can feel it starting!"

# A Strange Routine

A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.

When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.

The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.

The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself.

So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.

# Sisters of Mercy Brothel

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real.

When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.

On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

# I Want Natalie

The Madam opens the brothel door to see an elderly man standing in the doorway. His clothes are all dishevelled and he looks...well, "needy".

"Can I help you?" the Madam asks. "I want Natalie", the old man replies. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else...?"

"No. I want Natalie."

Just then, Natalie appears and tells the old man that she charges $ 1,000 per hour. Without so much as a blink he reaches into his pocket and pulls out ten crisp new $100 bills. The two go up to her room for an hour, whereupon he calmly leaves.

The next night the old man appears again demanding Natalie. Natalie explains that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, that there are no discounts and that the rate is still $1,000 for one hour. But once again, he takes out the money. The two go up to the room and he calmly leaves an hour later.

When he shows up for the third consecutive night, no one can believe it. Again he hands Natalie the money and up to the room, they go. At the end of the hour, Natalie decides to question the old man. "I'm not used to having the same customer come back three nights in a row. Do you mind if I ask where you're from?"

"I am from Minsk."

"Really", replies Natalie "I have a sister who lives there."

"I know", says the old man. "She gave me $ 3,000 to give to you."

# Buying Oranges **

There was a hooker with a bunch of other hookers. The police came, and said for all of the girls to line up.

The the hooker's gramma came and said "Why are all of you girls lined up?"

The girl didn't want her gramma to know what she did for a living so the girl said "We're lined up to buy oranges"

The police talked to every girl individually, and when they got to gramma the police said "How do you do it, you're so old?!?"

Gramma says - "It's easy, just peel it down and suck it dry!"

_** Risque_

# When in Japan **

An American businessman is in Japan. The Japanese businessmen take him out, get him drunk, and send him upstairs with a hooker.

As he's screwing her, she starts screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"

He's going, "Yeah, baby, take it all..."

He keeps pumping, and she keeps screaming, "Nashagai ana! Nashagai ana!"

The next day he's playing golf with one of the Japanese guys, and he slices the ball, and it goes way off to the right.and lands on the green of an adjacent fairway.

The Japanese businessman says, "Nashagai ana."

The American says, "What does that mean?"

The Japanese businessman says, "Wrong hole."

_** Risque_

# A Boy and His Duck *

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested."

He replies, "I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck."

"Well," she says, "maybe we can work something out."

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....

When they come out, she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck."

As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead."

She calls her friend and tells her, "You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."

What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says, "Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife." The kid agrees, takes the dollar and turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!!

He says, "Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!"

"Dad," he says, "You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# On Hard Times

An old hooker named Madge is sitting at a stool at the bar, when an old friend named Sally, who is also a prostitute, comes in and walks over to Madge.

"Sally," says Madge, "I haven't seen you for over a week now, where have you been?"

"I've been sick with the flu and it really hit me hard."

"You still don't look very good,' says Madge, "are you sure you should be going back to work?"

"I still feel terrible," says Sally, "but I'm really broke and need the money."

"Is there any thing I can do?" says Madge.

"Yea," says Sally, "could you lend me a couple of hundred bucks until I get back on my back again."

# The Vegas Hooker **

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, "How much?"

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."

Guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."

Guy says, "What the hell? I'll give it a try."

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"

The hooker replies, "$1,500."

"$1,500? No blow-job could be worth that."

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, says, "Sign me up."

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can't believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe, "You own the whole city?"

"No," the hooker replies, "but I would if I had a pussy."

_** Risque_

# Elite Chicken Farmer **

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.and then asks. "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a high-priced whore."

The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?".

"Well," says the call girl, "I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

_** Risque_

# Going to Las Vegas

A man comes home to find his wife packing her bags. "Where are you going?" he asked.

"To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $400 to do what I do for you for free!"

The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing HIS bags. "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.

"Going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you live on $800 a year!"

# The Communist Brothel

A communist party official opened a whorehouse to attract tourists and their foreign currency. Adding up his books after a year, he discovered he had lost a great deal of money.

"I don't understand it," he moaned. "I hired all the best girls. Why, every single one of them has been a good loyal party member for at least 30 years!

# Keeping Score

There are these two friends, a white guy and a black guy. One evening, they're in a bar arguing over which of them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and gathering experimental evidence, as it were.

So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the ladies, and go to their respective rooms.

The white guy energetically balls his whore and, reaching up with a pencil, makes a " | " mark on the wall. Then he falls asleep. He wakes up in a couple of hours and screws the whore again, albeit a little less enthusiastically this time. Again, he reaches back and marks a " | " on the wall. Again, he falls asleep. He wakes up again in a couple of hours and lethargically humps the hooker again. He drowsily marks another " | '' on the wall and falls asleep for the rest of the night.

The next morning, the black guy barges into the white guy's room to see how he did. He takes one look at the wall and exclaims,

"A hundred and eleven?! You beat me by three!"

# Additional Income

A women needs money, which her husband refuses to give her. So she decides to go out and earn it on her own.

She comes home with fifty dollars and twenty-five cents.

"Who's the cheapo who only gave you a quarter?" her husband asks.

"They all did."

# Rooms Under Repair

One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait."

"But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now."

"Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs."

"Listen, I'm pretty desperate. I don't need a room."

So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the hookers and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death in the act and fall to the sidewalk.

A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks.

"Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!"

"I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down."

# It Pays to Advertise

On the wall of a church in the central area of town was a large sign which said; "If you are tired of sin, come to see us!"

And right below it one of the local hookers had hung a smaller sign which said; "But if you're not, my phone number is 341-3451"

# Any Way You Want

Bill and a bunch of his buddies were out of town at a large business convention in Las Vegas. After the day's meetings they started drinking and gambling at all the casinos on the strip. At about two in the morning they all piled in a cab and started back to their hotel. Then one of the guys asked the cab driver if he knew of a brothel he could take them to.

"Sure," says the cabbie, "there is a good one just a few miles over the county line and it's legal over there."

So the cab load of businessmen all want to go and Bill does not want to be a wet blanket, so he goes along with the group. When they arrive at the brothel all the guys go into the lounge, pick out a girl and head up to a room, except Bill who just stays in the lounge and sips his drink. After noticing that several girls have approached Bill but he has rejected them all, the madame goes over to Bill."

"Hi there handsome," says the madame, "can't find the right girl?"

"I guess not," says Bill, "nobody wants to do it the way I want to do it."

"Were pretty adaptable here in Nevada," says the Madame, " Let me introduce you to Molly, she really likes the wild stuff and I'm sure she will do whatever you want."

So the madame introduces Bill to Molly, who takes his hand and leads him up the stairs to the rooms. A few minutes later the madame hears a crashing sound and sees Bill tumbling down the stairs and an irate Molly standing at the top of the landing. As the dazed Bill sits up and rubs his head, the madame comes up to him.

"How in the world did you want to do it? says the bewildered madame.

"I wanted to do it for free," says Bill with a grin.

# A Strange Gift

A middle aged man, who was out of town on business, met a pretty blonde in an upscale New York cocktail lounge. The two hit it off and ended up spending the night at her park avenue appartment. In the morning the man awoke to the smell of breakfast being prepared. He showered, put on his clothes and joined the pretty blonde in the kitchen.

"That was the most amazing sex I have ever had," said the man, "where did you learn to make love like that?"

"Well," said the blonde, "in my younger days I used to be a very expensive call girl and really prided myself in knowing how to give a man a great time."

"Let me show you my appreciation by buying you something special," said the man.

"No," said the blonde, "I'm retired now and I don't accept money any more."

"Not money," said the man, "I was thinking about something really special like a mink coat, a sports car, or an exotic vacation somewhere. You see I'm very rich and could easily afford a nice gift without ever missing the money."

"I couldn't accept anything that expensive," said the blonde, "but if you would like to get me something I would really like, get me a gold plated boy scout knife."

"Of course," said the man, "But why would you want a gold plated boy scout knife?"

At that point the blonde opens a trunk at the foot of the bed which is half filled with gold plated boy scout knives. She picks one up and says: "Now I'm young and beautiful and everybody wants to make love to me, but when I'm old and grey, just think what a boy scout will do for one of these."

# Dave's Birthday

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

# Space for Rent **

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the other $125.00, I'll sue you for it."

He laughed, saying, "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds." Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."

After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, which he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed; he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."

The defendant immediately wrote a check.

_** Risque_

# Traveling Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Melbourne.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a baloney sandwich on stale white bread!!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin, I ain't horny, I ain't hungry, I'm homesick."

# I'm a Little Nervous *

A young sailor on liberty in a strange city. He hails down a cab and asks the cabbie to take him to a Brothel. On the way there the sailor confides in the cabbie that he has never done this before and is a little nervous about going to a brothel.

"Nothing to it." says the cabbie, it's a lot like bungie jumping.

"How is that?" Asks the young sailor.

"Well," says the cabbie, "it's expensive, it's very quick, it's very exciting, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Not Up to the Task

A midget is out of town on business and wants some female companionship, so he hails down a cab outside his hotel and asks the driver to take him to a brothel. As they get to the part of town where the brothel is located, the midget is noticing some pretty rough looking characters hanging around the brothel. Since the cabbie is a pretty good sized fellow, the midget asks him if he will look after him and be available to give him a ride back to the hotel for an additional twenty bucks. Since it is a slow night for the cabbie, he agrees.

After the midget picks out a girl and goes into the room, the cabbie sits in a chair outside the room to make sure nobody rolls his fare. Once the door closes, the cabbie hears starnge noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

On the ride back to the hotel, the cabbie says: "How did it go?"

"It was embarrassing, says the midget, "I simply couldn''t do it."

The cabbie shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No not that, says the midget, "I just couldnt get up on the bed!"

# Bruised and Bleeding *

A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. His face is all bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "Hey buddy, what in the world happened to you?".

The guy says, "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."

"Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?"

"She hit me with her bag of quarters!".

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Custom Tattoos

A hooker walks into a tattoo parlor and asks 'Do you do custom work?'

'Why of course!'

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'

'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.'

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The hooker sits up and examines the tattoos.

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.

'Well, what do you think?' the hooker asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?'

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!'

# Furniture Salesmen *

Two furniture salesmen are sitting at the bar commiserating. One says, "Man! If I don't move some furniture this month, I'm going to lose my ass."

The second salesman says, "Watch your mouth! There's a lady sitting next to you. I apologize for my friend, ma'am."

The woman looks at him and says, "That's OK. I'm a hooker. If I don't move some ass this month, I'm going to lose my furniture!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Return to Sender

A blonde hooker is speaking to her psychiatrist: "I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me."

Psychiatrist: "Don't you have a phone in your car?"

Blonde: "That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car."

Psychiatrist: "Uh ... How's that working?"

Blonde: "Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet."

Psychiatrist: "And why do you think that is?"

Blonde: "I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing."

# Kids on the Firing Line

A female newscaster is interviewing the shooting instructor at the local gun club who has a group of young kids.

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children today?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them safety, discipline, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

# Chapter 5

# Hotel & Motel Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a hunter in a motel may apear here and in the Hunting & Trapping Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Sunbathing on the Roof

Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Indeed," said the man, "but we would prefer you didn't lie on the dining room skylight."

# The Hotel Bellboy

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

# Are Dogs Allowed?

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, liniens, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

# Blonde Stewardess Trainee

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her hotel room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

# A Room for the Night

A traveller pulls into a hotel around midnight and asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.

"Fancy meeting my wife here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night."

Next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here one night!"

"Yes," says the clerk, "but your wife has been here for three weeks."

# Made to Order

A guest in a posh hotel called room service."Hello, this is Mr. Franklin in room 724. I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked that it's runny, and the other so overcooked that it's tough and hard to eat. Also, I want some grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; and I'd like some butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of weak coffee, luke-warm."

"I'm sorry, sir." said the bewildered waiter. "We cannot do that for you."

The guest replied, "Oh?, But that's what I got yesterday!"

# Fiftieth Anniversary

An elderly couple were planning their fiftieth wedding anniversary and decided that they would try and get reservations at the same hotel that they spent their honeymoon at fifty years before. When the wife called the hotel and explained their situation the desk clerk was very moved and not only got them a reservation for the date they wanted but even got them the same honeymoon suite that they had stayed at some fifty years before.

When they arrived the management of the hotel had let all the staff know of the special couple and everyone treated them like royalty. They had a scrumptious dinner and then danced to the anniversary waltz. After they had a few drinks and danced a while, they went back to the room where the staff had put a chilled bottle of champaign on ice to top off their romantic evening. While the husband was downing a Viagra pill with a glass of champaign the wife went into the bathroom to slip into a very sexy nightgown she had bought especially for the occasion.

When the wife came out of the bathroom with her sexy nightgown on she found the husband sitting on the bed drinking his champaign and laughing.

"What is so funny?' she asked.

"Well", he said with a grin, "I guess this time it's my turn to sit on the side of the bed and cry because it's too big."

# Don't Bug Me

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"

The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally, he says, "Ah!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

# Honeymoon in Hawaii

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon in Hawaii. They get a master suite in their hotel. The man's wife leaves, but the staff fails to notice.

A few hours later, the man goes to the manager at the desk, and says, he is "checking out."

The manager asks him where his wife is.

The man tells the manager that she left him.

The manager asks, "Why, didn't you have a good time last night?"

The man replies, "No, I had the best night of my life last night."

The manager asks, "Then why did she leave you?"

The man replies, "It was with the maid."

# Your Breakfast Sir **

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.".

The third man married a school teacher. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

At 6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary."

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again. The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute.

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess, and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

_** Risque_

# Robotic Motel **

A traveling salesman has been driving all day through the barren desert of west Texas and it is getting late. So he pulls off the road at a very futuristic looking motel with a sign reading "Robotic Motel: Fully automated lodging, leisure, and libations. No one is in the lobby but the signage enables him to self check-in by entering the necessary information on a keyboard, swiping his debit card, and punching in his pin number. After the transaction has been approved the machine then dispenses a room card key for his assigned room along with instructions on the location of his room and where to park his car.

He then goes into the futuristic auto-mat style restaurant and selects his food and beverage items from the appropriate windows, and pays for them the same way he paid for the room. After his dinner he goes to his room takes a hot shower, puts on the motels terrycloth rob, and switches on an adult video on the room TV.

After watching a particularly racy adult video he realizes he is not only relaxed, but also aroused. However, since he is now several hours drive from the nearest town and has not seen anyone else at the motel he thinks he might have to go back in the bathroom for a cold shower.

About that time he notices a readout on the wall which reads "Your wife away from home, satisfaction guaranteed within three minutes ... $5." Below the readout is a foot square opening with a stainless steel sliding door, a debit card slot and a key pad for entering his pin number.

Being both curious and aroused, he figures for five bucks how can he go wrong? So he swipes his debit card and enters his pin number. At that point the sliding door opens and the readout above the door reads " Insert item now." The salesman opens his robe and sticks his penis into the open door. All of the sudden he is rewarded by the feel of warm slippery lotion and having his penis vigorously rubbed on all sides. After a minute of this his penis feels the warm air of the blow-job phase of the process, then he feels the cool mist of an aerosol product being applied.

His anticipation of the next phase is met with the abrupt pain of having is penis pressed tightly between two scalding hot plates. Not being able to extract his penis during this phase, he is forced to endure this intense pain for fifteen seconds. When he is able to extract his manhood from the window it is scalded red and flat as a pancake.

The readout above the door then says "Your garment has been washed, dried, starched, and pressed. Thank you for your business."

_** Risque_

# I'm Going Back to Italy *

Antonio sees his old friend in an outdoor cafe in Rome, walks up to him and says: "Hey Angello, youa suppose to be on vacation ina New Yorka."

Angello says; " I comea back early - cause they no treata me so well."

"Whata you mean they no treata you so well?" asks Antonio

"I getta to New Yorka an cheka into a bigga fancy hotel. Ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says 'go to the resta room.' I say 'you no understand. I wanna two piss onna my plate.' She say 'you better not not piss on plate you sonna ma bitch.'

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone does. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say 'better not fock on table, you sonna ma bitch.' I don't even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go to my room inna hotel. I go to getta ina bed and there is no sheit. I call the manager and tella him I wanna a sheit. He tella me go to the batha room. I say you no understand, I wanna sheit on my bed. He say 'you better not sheit on bed you sonna ma bitch.' I don't even know the man and he call me a sonna ma bitch.

Now I'ma really mad. I packa my suitcase and take a cab to the airport. I start to walk ina terminal and three younga men in white togas with shaved heads come over to me - hand me a flower and say, ''Peace unto you''.

"I say 'Piss unto you too, you sonna ma bitch.' I gonna back to Italy"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Bedbug Incident

A salesman flies into Chicago for an important sales presentation to a large potential client. He checks into a hotel and tries to get a good nights sleep before his big presentation the next day. His plans are complicated because he is kept awake all night by bedbugs in his bed. When he finally does fall asleep out of sheer exhaustion he oversleeps and is late for his appointment and unshaven. He loses the account and comes home angry and disappointed.

When he tells the story to his wife, she suggests that he write a letter to the hotel manager and let him know of the problem and the consequenses of the bedbug insident. Although the salesman does not think it will make any difference he writes the letter to the hotel manager and sends it away.

About a week later the salesman receives a reply and he takes it to his wife to share with her. The letter is on fancy hotel letterhead and read: " Dear Mr Johnson, I was very upset to find out about the problems you encountered with bed bugs while you were a guest at our hotel and the very unfortionate ramifications of that incident. Let me assure you that I have taken steps to have this situation investigated and corrected.

Thank you very much for bringing this situation to our attention so we could correct it immediately. We take great pride in providing our guests with the cleanest and most comfortable accomodations possible and we will continue to do whatever is necessary to accomplish that goal. You can rest assured that if you stay with us again you will not encounter a simular situation. Sincerely yours, Leon Williams, Hotel Manager."

"I guess you were right honey," the salesman said, "I guess my letter did make a difference and they now have the situration corrected. I'm also very impressed by the quick response and the appologetic nature of the letter."

At this point his wife came over and said; "Something is stuck to the back of the letter. It looks like a little yellow post-it note." The salesman's wife took the post-it note off the back of the letter and read the short pencil written note. She then smiled and said: "I think this got stuck on your letter inadvertenly."

"Why," said the salesman, "what does it say?"

"It says, 'Send this jerk the bedbug letter.'"

# Thrown Out of Bed

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said:

"You rest here while I register for the convention - I'll be back within an hour."

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrance, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager (naturally) is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true. "Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in.

"What," he says, "are you doing here?"

The manager replies:

"Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

# Forgot My Room Number

A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none, and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car.

Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to go get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of the aspirin in the car's glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes something: he can't remember which room was his!

He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the motel's windows lighten up--except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window.

# Fruits of Love *

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin in the mountains of Arkansas. They had registered on Saturday and hadn't been seen for two days. The elderly woman who ran the resort got concerned about the welfare of the newlyweds, and sent her redneck husband to check on them. The husband knocks on the door of the cabin, and a weak voice from inside answers.

The old man asks, "Are you young folks all right? Ya must be hungry and Ma has some tasty vittles on the stove."

"We're just fine," the woman answered. We're living on the fruits of love."

After a few more days with without any sign of the newlyweds the wife again dispatches the husband to check on the young couple.

After knocking on the door the Redneck says "Look I know you flatlanders are on your honeymoon, but you got to be starved by now and we could bring you a sandwich or a bowl of soup."

"Were not hungry" responded the man, "were living on the fruits of love."

"That's just fine," says the redneck,, "but would you stop throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Am I Your First?

A traveling salesman is out of town on a business trip and stays in a very posh hotel. After a nice dinner in the hotel resteraunt he goes into the hotel bar for a few drinks. He soon notices a very attractive woman and sends her over a drink. As the evening progresses he convinces her to come up to his room.

When they are relaxing after having sex, he asks, "Am I the first man you ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be," she says. "Your face looks familiar."

# The Hat Check Girl

There once was a priest who came into the big city on church business and had to spend the night in a hotel. Shortly after he had checked in and put his clothes away in his room he went down to the lobby and invited the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a nice dinner and some wine, brought up by room service, he started advancing on her. At that point she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's okay," he replied, "It's written in the Bible."

So after a night of wild sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil --"The hat check girl puts out!"

# No Vacancy

Many years agao, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort hotel on Cape Cod --one that did not admit Jews.

The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The hotel is full."

The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies." The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I converted to your religion."

The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.

How was Jesus born?"

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little town called Bethlehem."

"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."

Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a manger?"

Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"

# Two Hotel Maids

Two haggared looking hotel maids were sitting in the employee lunchroom of a big hotel. They're eating their lunch and talking about the job.

The first maid says, "I sure wish we could get a decent pay raise this year, with four kids and a husband out of work, I'm having a real hard time meeting my expenses"

"I'm not having any problem meeting my expenses," says the second maid with a sigh, "they're everywhere I look!"

# Exciting Experiences *

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days. The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his arms. The other gents agreed that had to be a very exciting time.

The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room. When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I could to make it go down." He paused.

The retired fireman asked, "So, how was that exciting?"

The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong room."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Very Expensive Hotel

A biker and his wife are traveling on their Harleys from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and decided to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The biker explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the biker insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the biker and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the biker complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the biker again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the biker replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the biker gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the biker. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the biker replied, "she was here, and you could have!"

# Sly Old Groom

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

# Room Service

A businessman is a guest in an asian hotel where he is staying while on a business trip in the far east. The businessman has just called room service to order some breakfast.

Room Service: "Morrin. ; Roon sirbees."

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"

Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No...just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad! ?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea...meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tenjewberrymuds."

G : "You're very welcome."

# Excuse Me Ma'am *

A man in a hotel lobby accidentally bumps a woman in the breast with his elbow.

Quite apologetic, he turns to her and says "If your heart is as soft as your breast, you will surely forgive me."

She leans up to him and whispers "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# So How Did it Go? *

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

"So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife?"

"Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking."

"Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore..."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Chapter 6

# Hunter & Trapper Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a hunter and a genie may apear here and in the Genie & Magic Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# The New Hunter

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.

But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.

"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I couldn't control myself any longer."

# Pulling in an Easy Buck

Bush and Cheney went hunting, killed a giant buck, and were dragging it by the legs back to their car, when they were approached by a seasoned old hunter.

"Hello, Mr. President, and Vice President. If I may please make a suggestion... it would be much easier for you to drag your deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."

The leaders of the free world thanked the man and tried his suggesion. A while later Cheney said, "You know, that was good thinking. This is a lot easier!"

"Yessir," agreed Bush. "But durn it! We're gettin' farther away from our truck!

# New Rifle Scope **

An avid hunter, who just got a raise, decides to buy a new scope for his deer rifle. He goes to a sporting goods shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off."

The hunter takes another look through the scope and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"

_** Risque_

# Hunting for a Lawyer

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout 'whiplash', 'ambulance', or 'free Perrier' for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

# Rattle the Windows

Duane, Paul, Doug, and Bob go up to a Paul's cabin to stay for a few days and do some hunting. They travel all day and are dog tired by the time they arrive at the cabin. That night Doug snores so loud that he rattles the windows. Regardless of what his fellow campers do they can't get him to stop.

Despite their lack of sleep, the hunters get the cabin set up, stocked with firewood, and get their equipment ready for the next day. That night a fifth member of the group arrives. As he arrives in camp, Ray apologizes for being a day late because of a business appointment.

"That's alright" says Paul, "we didn't get any hunting done today and we also didn't get any sleep."

'Why not?" inquires Ray.

"It was Doug, he snored all night and we couldn't get him to stop for more than a few minutes. Then he would fall asleep again and start snoring. We were up the whole night and Doug was the only one who got any sleep. I'm afraid we might not get much sleep tonight either."

"Let me try something I learned in the Army," says Ray.

That night Doug didn't snore once, and everyone seemed to get a great nights sleep, except Doug, who looked a little tired.

After breakfast, Paul goes over to Ray and says "What did you do to get Doug to stop snoring, I didn't hear a peep all night?"

Ray breaks into a smile and says "Well just before we turned the lights out I got out of my bunk and went over to Doug's bunk kissed him on the cheek and said 'good night beautiful' then went back to my bunk and gave him a wink before I turned the lights out. Poor guy, he spent the rest of the night with one eye open to make sure I didn't come back."

# The Old Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"

# Migratory Bird Tags

According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated Wash. Biol. Surv. until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:

Dear Sirs:

While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible.

The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.

# Redneck First Aid

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, and then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay, he's dead."

# Moose Hunters

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

# Bad Experiences

Three guys are out hunting and sitting around the evening campfire exchanging their worst experiences.

The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was up on a scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.

The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.

The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.

He said, "Well, I'll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me, I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position."

"Yeah? what happened next?" asks his friend.

"I got a little too close to the ground and -- WHAM -- a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles."

One of the other guys said, "God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?"

He calmly replied, "Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain . . ."

# Redneck Elk Hunters

Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!"

The pilot regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."

Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground.

Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do you have any idea where we are?"

Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year."

# Fearless Bear Hunters

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another one!"

# Duck Hunting Doctors

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck... it's probably a duck," shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

# Lost Blonde Hunters

There were two blondes going hunting. It was getting late so one of the blondes said to the other that she heard if you ever get lost in the woods to shoot three shots into the air. So she did.

A few hours went by and so she fired three more shots in the air.

A few more hours went by and they fired three more shots in the air.

Then one of the blondes said "Someone better hurry up and save us...we only have two more arrows left."

# The Blonde Wolf

Three old trappers were sitting around the campfire one night talking about their experiences. The first trapper says:"I once trapped a large silver wolf. It was a magnificent creature, but I just saw it slip away through the trees as I approached. It had chewed off it's leg to get free."

Not to be outdone, the second trapper relayed his experience the day he had trapped a white wolf. "It was at the break of dawn when I came up on my trap and saw this gigantic white wolf slipping away from my trap and disappearing into the forest. All that was left was the leg he had chewed off to get out of my trap. These white wolves are the largest and rarest wolves in the world, and the Indians believed they hold magical powers."

"Aw that's nothing," said the third trapper, " I once trapped a blonde wolf, and they are rarer than even the white wolf."

"I've never even heard of a blonde wolf," said the first trapper.

"Neither have I," said the second trapper, "did you get to see it up close?"

"Yea," says the third trapper, "she had chewed off three legs, but she was still caught in the trap."

# The Gay Grizzly Bear ***

There once was a bear hunter who was having no luck in finding his quarry. All at once, he felt a tap on his shoulder from behind. It was a huge grizzly bear.

The hunter's shock was increased when the bear spoke to him. "You are hunting me, I'll bet", said the bear. "You may choose your punishment. Either I will maul you to death or fuck you up the ass!"

The hunter didn't want to die, so he consented to give the bear the pleasure of his booty. The bear left satisfied and the hunter returned to his cabin.

The next day, the hunter decided to kill the bear for revenge. But, as luck would have it, the grizzly found him first. Once again, the hunter felt the tap on his shoulder and the bear made his request. The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and took what the beast had to offer.

The third day, the hunter was really irate and decided he would torture and kill that bear! Once more, though, the bear was the better hunter. When the man felt the familiar tap on his shoulder, he expected to hear the grizzly's offer of a choice again, but this time the bear just said, "You're not really into this for the hunting anymore, are you?!

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Big Game Hunter **

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

_** Risque_

# Redneck Duck Hunters

Two rednecks, Clem and Jeb, have gotten tired of coon hunting in Alabama so they decided to head up North to try their hand at duck hunting. They hunt and hunt and hunt into the late hours of the evening and still have not killed one duck.

Finally, Jeb says to Clem: "Maybe we'd do better if we threw the dog up higher."

# Blonde Deer Hunter

A man takes his blonde wife hunting, and impresses on her again and again that "If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!"

So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"

# Nasty Game Warden

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"

# Smart Hunting Dogs *

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Impressive Hunting Dog

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water.

The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.

# Defective Bird Dog

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained bird dog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, "Okay, we'll give him one more try.

We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!" 

# Deer Nuts

A drunk goes up to the bar in a hunting lodge in northern Michigan. "I'll have a Budwiser and a sack of deer nuts,"slurs the drunk.

"You mean beer nuts," says the bartender.

"Ya right," chuckels the drunk, "must have been thinking about deer, because of all the trophies hung on the wall over the bar."

"By the way," quips the bartender, "do you know how to tell the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?"

"How?" says the drunk.

"Well," says the bartender, "beer nuts are a dollar-and-a-half and deer nuts are under a buck."

# Kids on the Firing Line

A female newscaster is interviewing the shooting instructor at the local gun club who has a group of young kids.

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children today?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them safety, discipline, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

# Chapter 7

# Kid & School Jokes

#

Illustration by Terry Eade

Some of the jokes in this chapter may appear in other chapters. For example a joke about a school nurse may apear here and in the Nurse & Receptionist Jokes section. However, the jokes will have the same title in both chapters. The illustration above was drawn by the author and is protected by copyright.

The jokes have been annotated by an asterisk (*) for those which have language or content you may find offensive, a double asterisk (**) for those which are risque, and a triple asterisk (***) for those which may not be suitable for mixed company. Those jokes without annotation are more suitable for general audiences and usually more appropriate for speaking engagements. Viewer discretion is recommended.

# Poverty

The teacher had established a goal to teach the class at least one new word each day. She would introduce the word, then tell them a story which would reinforce the concept, and finally conduct a quiz to make sure all the kids had absorbed the lesson.

The word for the day is poverty so the teacher tells them a story about a poor family which was struggling to survive. At the conclusion of the story she asks who would like to go to the board and draw a picture which would represent poverty. A number of hands go up so the teacher calls on Kenny.

Kenny goes to the board and drew a tall rectangle with horizontal lines dissecting the space.

"What is that?" says the teacher "and why does it represent poverty?"

"Its an empty refrigerator," responds Kenny " and it shows that the people don't have any groceries to eat."

"That's good Kenny," says the teacher, but it isn't real poverty because if the people can afford appliances and electricity they aren't really poor like the folks in our story." So she calls on Martha.

Martha goes to the board and draws a horizontal line with four vertical lines going down. "This is an empty table," says Martha "it shows that the people don't have anything to eat."

"That's very good Martha," says the teacher, "but if people can afford furniture and a house they still are not as poor as the people in our story." So she calls on Little Johnny.

Johnny goes to the board and draws a circle with many lines going through the middle. "This is an asshole full of cobwebs," says Johnny, "if that's not poverty I don't know what the hell is."

# Pedro and Rosetta

The teacher stands at the front of the classroom with two new students. "Class I would like to introduce you to Pedro and Rosetta Gonzales. They just moved here from Mexico with their parents. I know that you will all be nice to them and help them feel welcome in our school and in our country."

After about an hour of class the teacher notices that Pedro had his hand up. Wanting to include him in the class discussion, the teacher quickly calls on him.

"Yes Pedro,' says the teacher, "do you have a question?"

"Teacher," says Pedro, "I have to take a piss."

At this, all the kids start laughing. As soon as the teacher is able to quiet the other kids down she tries to explain what has happened.

"Pedro, here in the United States we do not say 'piss' we refer to it as 'number one' and all you have to do is raise one finger and I will excuse you to leave and use the restroom.

"OK teacher," says Pedro "I understand."

Later in the morning Pedro again raises his hand. Again the teacher calls on Pedro and asks him if he has a question.

"Teacher," says Pedro "I have to take a shit."

Again the class erupts into laughter and again the teacher explains the local situation.

"Here in the United States we call that 'number two', so all you have to do is raise two fingers and I will excuse you to go to the restroom." explains the teacher.

"OK teacher," says Pedro "I understand."

Half way through the afternoon Pedro again raises his hand. By this time the teacher is somewhat reluctant to call on him, but thinks that all the basics have been covered and this may be a legitimate question. So the teacher calls on Pedro.

"Teacher," Pedro begins, "my sister Rosetta has to fart, would you give her a number please?"

# Sandbox Envy

A little boy and a little girl are playing in a sandbox. the little boy pulls down his training pants and shows the little girl his penis.

"I'll bet you don't have one of these," he says proudly.

At this point the little girl is heartbroken and the little boy just keeps trying to make her feel inadequate. The next day the same two kids are in the sandbox and again the little boy pulls down his training pants and is chiding the little girl because she doesn't have a penis.

The little girl is ready for his this time. She halls down her training pants, points to her vagina and responds.

"My mommy says if I have one of these I can get all of those I want."

# Just Hanging Out

As the teacher is delivering the morning lessons she notices that Little Johnny is squirming in his seat and having a tough time sitting still. After a few stern looks, she calls him to the front of the class and takes him out in the hall to find out what is the matter.

"What is the matter with you Johnny?' says the teacher, "you haven't sit still all morning."

"I just had a circumcision yesterday." says Johnny "and it really hurts."

Knowing that this could be difficult for a child of his age, the teacher instructs Johnny to go down to the office and call his mom to see if she could come and pick him up early. After about ten minutes Johnny comes walking back into the class with his zipper open and his penis hanging out.

The teacher is flabbergasted and says "What in the world are you doing?"

"Well I called my mom just like you said." says Johnny "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she would be here to pick me up."

# Size Does Count **

A group of young boys are discussing who's dad has the largest penis. They all tell their stories except Little Johnny. So finally the kids turn to Johnny and ask him about his father's penis.

"Well actually," says Johnny, "my dad has two, a small one and a big one."

"Two," they respond "how could that be."

"Well," says Johnny, "He has a small one he wears in the shower and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth."

_** Risque_

# Who's Most Important

Three little black boys are playing in the park. They have been telling tall tales all day and are now debating which one of their fathers is more important.

The first little boy says "My dad is definitely the most important. You've heard of this here Penicillin haven't you? Well my daddy is the one who discovered that!"

The next little boy says "That's nothing, You've heard of that Atomic Energy stuff ain't you? Well my dad is the one who invented all that!!"

The third little boy says "My dad is more important than both of you're dads put together. You've heard of that there Syphilis, Gonorrhea, and the Clap, ain't you? Well my dad's the Northwest Distributor!!!"

# Under the Veranda

A little boy and a little girl are playing in a sandbox. They are trying to act very grown up and show how much they know. After a few hours of "I know that" and "I can do that too" the little girl tries to show how worldly she is.

"Yesterday I found a condom under the veranda," the little girl says proudly.

The little boy looks puzzled and says "What's a 'veranda'?"

# All Aboard

One day a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. All you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come back down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.For those just boarding, we ask that you stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip."

The mother smiled to herself, pleased with the way she had handled the situation and the resulting improvement, when her thoughts were interrupted by her son's next announcement.

"For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen," continued the son.

# World's Fastest Dog

A businessman has taken the day off to pick up his new BMW convertible. It is a beautiful day so he decides to put the top down and take it for a drive in the country. As he drives down the country road he notices a young boy hitchhiking along the road. Anxious to show off his new car, the businessman pulls over to the side of the road and tells the kid to get in. At that point, the kid whistles and a large yellow dog comes bounding out of the woods beside the road.

The businessman says "Wait a minute you can't bring that big dog into my new car, he's all covered with mud and I have these nice new leather seats."

The kid says, "that's OK mister, my dog will run along side of the car."

The businessman says "It's your dog" and they drive off with the dog running along side of the car.The businessman is showing the kid the neat features of his new car and forgets all about the dog. Suddenly he remembers and says "Oh my God, where's your dog."

The kid say's " He's right along side of the car."

The businessman looks down at his speedometer and he is doing sixty miles per hour. "I don't think a greyhound can run this fast let alone a big yellow dog", the businessman says.

"I told you he was fast", the kid says, "he won't have any problem staying up with your car."

This makes the businessman a little miffed so he presses down on the gas and runs the speed up to seventy. "How is your dog doing now?" he says.

"The dog is doing fine" the kid responds, " he's really fast."

The businessman mashes down on the gas until he is doing ninety and then hollers over at the kid."Is your dog still keeping up?"

"Yea" the kid hollers back, "he's breathing hard but he is still along side of the car."

The businessman can't believe it so he slams on his power brakes, screeches to a stop, unbuckles his seat belt, and leans over the kid to have a look. Sure enough there is the dog."I'm flabbergasted," says the businessman, "that must be the fastest dog in the world. He looks like a regular dog, except.... what is that pink ring around his neck?"

"Oh, that's his asshole" the kid says, "he's not used to stopping that fast."

# Understanding Women

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up, and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt, so I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me! "

"Johnny!" the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad!" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault! There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Lee who was sitting next to me saw it, and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

# Busted

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store holding a loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket. Along comes the local priest. The priest thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to teach Little Johnny something from the bible."

As he walks past Little Johnny, the priest says, "I see that you have the 'Staff of Life' in your hand."

Little Johnny immediately takes his hand out of his pocket and thinks to himself "I knew the priest was smart, but I didn't know he had x-ray vision."

# Playing Cards **

Johnny was walking down the hall and he heard his parents going at it and he hollered to his dad,

"Dad! Dad! what are you doing?"

His father replied, "I am playing poker."

Johnny asked, "Who are you playing with?"

Dad said, "Why, your mother."

So the little boy went on. A couple of days later, Johnny's father is walking down the hall and heard this racket going on in Johnny's room.

So the father hollers "Johnny, what are you doing in there?"

Johnny replied, "I am playing poker."

His dad kinda froze said, "Ummm, who are you playing with?"

Johnny replied, "With a hand this good you don't need another player!!!!!!"

_** Risque_

# What Does Your Dad Do? *

A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for living.

Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail."

Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better."

All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny.

So the teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says: "My Dad is dead."

"I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?" asks the teacher.

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet," says Johnny.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Get Out of My Class

An old spinster teacher was giving an assignment to her sixth grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked,"What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well ma'am, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over," says Johnny.

# Special Day at School **

A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"

"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"

The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home."

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher."

"That's right, Dad."

"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for."

"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me."

_** Risque_

# Birthday Presents

A little Italian boy and a little Jewish boy, lived about a block apart in the neighborhood and basically grew up together. The Jewish boy was the son of a Jeweler and the Italian boy was the son of a hit man.

Oddly enough, they had the same birthday. For their 12th birthday, the little Jewish boy received a Rolex watch and the little Italian boy received a 22 Baretta.

The next day, they are out on the street corner comparing their presents and neither is happy, so they switch gifts with each other.

The little Italian boy goes home to show his Father and his Father is NOT pleased. "What are you, nuts? Let me tell you something, you idiot! Some day you're gonna meet a nice girl, you're gonna wanna settle down and get married. You'll have a few kids, all that stuff. THEN one day, you're gonna come home and find your wife in bed with another man.What the hell ya gonna do? Look at your watch and say, 'Hey, how long you gonna be?'

# The Baby Brother **

One night little Johnny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He laid there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?", voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. "What are you and Mommy doing?"

The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. "Well, Johnny, I'm...um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?"

"yes..." replied little Johnny in a timid voice.

"Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mommy for you."

Johnny smiled and said, "oh, ok!" and left the room feeling safe and secure. The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick-on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms.

The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Johnny sitting on the grass crying. "What's wrong???" Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern.

"Daddy! you... you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in Mommy???"

"yes..." the Dad replied nervously.

"well... well... Today... *sniff*... The mailman came over and he ate him!

_** Risque_

# Not the Mortgage **

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $300 bicycle for his birthday.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $200,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again.The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."

Well, about two days later, the Johnny is leaving the house with all his belongings in a suitcase.

"Why are you leaving?" asks Johnny's father.

"Well yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and damn if I'll get stuck with a $200,000 mortgage!"

_** Risque_

# Going to Get Married

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they don't want to make fun of Johnny so they ask him some questions.

"How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?"

He replies "Well with the dollar I get each week from you and the dollar she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do OK"

His father says "That's fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?"

Johnny answers "Well, so far, we've been lucky..."

# Hard to Keep Down *

One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.

The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.

At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# I'll Be Careful

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," Johnny replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," Johnny said reassuringly, "I'll use a condom! 

# My Goldfish *

One day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. "Whatcha doin?" he asks.

Little Johnny replies, "My goldfish died and I'm burying him."

"That's an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain't it?" asked the neighbor.

Little Johnny shouts back, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Indefinitely **

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word 'indefinitely' in a sentence. Well, Little Johnny has his hand raised in the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he's a trouble maker and that he doesn't know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, "Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely."

"Good" the teacher replies."What about you Jenny?"

Jenny says, "Since the bus broke down, transportation was stopped indefinitely."

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and she asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there's Little Johnny waving his hand. And the teacher thinks ... (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him.

Johnny stands up and says, "As I felt my balls slap off her ass, I knew that I was in definitely"

_** Risque_

# Good Thinking

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone, and the third is sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well", said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

# Sex Education *

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her 4th grade class because she realizes little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William." cooed the teacher

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation,the teacher calls on him.

"I was watching TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger," says Johnny.

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Taste Test

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.

"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time."

Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"

# Powder My Nose

A little girl and a little boy are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee, and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public.

At first he holds it in for a little while, because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then, he remembers what his mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So, he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me? I have to go powder my nose."

And, saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back, the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?"

"Yes," said the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox.

"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact, because your lipstick is hanging out!"

# Old Pecan Tree

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery.

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."

When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me. . ."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me." And one last "one for you, one for me." That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.

# Not More Bad News

Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!?"

"If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

# Too Much Chicken

A little boy and girl were having lunch in the shelter shed at school.

"Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches."

"Why?" he asked.

"Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy.

"I don't believe you," he said. "You'll have to show me." Behind the shed they went, and the inspection took place.

"Gee, you're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken. Perhaps I'm getting feathers, too."

"Well, I'd better have a look," she said.

After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you. You've got the neck and giblets, too!"

# The Tractor

A farmer had three sons. One day his oldest came to him and said that since he was graduating from high school, he would really like to get a car. His father said, "Son, come here." He took him to the barn and pointed to the tractor and said, "This tractor is needed for the farm and I promise, as soon as it's paid for, we'll get you a car".

The boy was not too happy, but was understanding. A week later, his second son approached him wanting a new two-wheel bike.

"Well", the father said, "as soon as the tractor is paid for we'll see about getting you your bike."

Shortly after, his youngest was bugging him for a tricycle. Again, the father gave him the lecture about the tractor needing to be paid off first.

While leaving the barn, the young boy, a little disgusted with his father's explanation, saw the farm rooster mating one of the hens. He promptly went over and kicked the rooster off the hens back mumbling to himself.

His dad asked, "Son, now why would you do something like that? He didn't do anything to deserve that."

The third son replied, "Hey, nobody around here rides anything until that damn tractor gets paid off!"

# Good Solution

A man is standing beside his disabled car on a deserted road when a boy comes up to him and engages him in conversation.

"What happened to your car mister?" says the boy.

"Well," says the man "I was driving down the road when the wheel came off my car. The wheel and the tire seem to be alright, but I can't find any of the lug nuts so I can't put the wheel back on the car, even though I have a jack and a lug wrench."

"Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use those, Three lug nuts should hold the wheel in place until you can drive into town and get some more," advises the boy.

"That's a great idea," says the man, "by the way where did you come from I haven't seen any traffic come down this road for over an hour?"

"I'm from the mental institution just over the hill," says the boy, "they let me off the grounds to take a walk every morning."

"A mental institution?" says the man in disbelief, "from the way you figured out how to solve my problem you seem way to smart to be in a place like that."

"I may be crazy," says the boy, "but I'm not stupid!!"

# Just a Small Fib

A four-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his

aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked,

"If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

# Identity Crisis

Three little black boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They thought maybe it was because they weren't baptized. So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

The oldest boy said, "We's got to be baptized cause no one will play with us. Will you baptize us?"

So the janitor took them in the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl one at a time. He said, "Now go out and play. Go see the preacher on Sunday."

When they got outside dripping wet the oldest one asked, "What religion are we?"

"We're not Catlick cause they pour the water ... " one said "And we's not Baptist cause they dunk your whole body all the way under."

The littlest one said, "I smelled dat water and I knows what we are: -- we's Pisscopalians"

# Dead Frog

A kindergarten teacher had a pupil tell her that he had found a frog. She inquired as to whether it was alive or if it was dead.

"Dead," said the little boy.

"How do you know?" she asked.

"Because I pissed in his ear," said the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?", squealed the teacher in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' ... he didn't move.

# Dire Consequences

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

# Little Leprechaun

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom and she said "yes." When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper,so he used his hand.

When he got back to class, his teacher asked "Let me see what you are holding in your hand." The boy said "It's a little leprechaun, and if I open my hand, he'll run away."

He was sent to the principal's office and the principal said "Let me see what you are holding in your hand." The little boy said, "It's a little leprechaun and if I open my hand, he'll run away."

He was then sent home and his Mom asked him "Let me see what you're holding in your hand." The little boy said,"Mom, it's a little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll run away."

He was sent to his room until his dad came home and demanded "Let me see what you're holding in your hand."

Again, the little boy said "It's a little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll run away."

Dad got really mad and yelled "Stop being a smart aleck and open your hand NOW!"

The little boy did, and said, "Way to go dad, you scared the shit out of him!!"

# Entering Heaven

The Sunday School teacher was speaking to her class one Sunday morning and asked the question, "When you die and go to heaven, which part of your body goes first?"

Suzie raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzie?"

Suzie replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first!"

"What a wonderful answer!" the teacher said.

Then Tommy raised his hand and said, "Teacher, I think it's your legs."

The teacher looked at him with a strange look on her face. "Tommy, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Tommy said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh, God, I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't had her pinned down, we'd a lost her for sure!!"

# Retirement

After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays.

One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is all right now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. Then they go cruising in their golf carts.

My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night, "Early Birds". Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa's worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded some day too."

# Lend a Helping Hand

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by 2 female teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horseys. When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, began hoisting the little boys up one by one, and held onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th."

"No, ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow, but thanks for the lift."

# Everyone's Busy

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered "Hello".

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice.

'"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes" came the answer."May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Needing to talk to someone, other than the child, who could get the father on the line, the boss asked " Is there anyone there besides you, your daddy, and your mommy?"

"Yes", whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy," whispered the child. "

Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle! "Me."

# Crap for Christmas

Little Johnny was a mean, arrogant, foul-mouthed brat, and his father was tired of it. Christmas was coming, so he gave his son an ultimatum: "Behave yourself and you'll get what you want for Christmas; or keep acting like a jerk and you'll get a bunch of crap instead of a gift."

Little Johnny couldn't help himself when he told his dad what he wanted for Christmas. It was habitual. "I want a damned teddy bear laying right here beside me when I wake up on Christmas morning," Johnny said. "Then, when I go downstairs, I want to see a train going around the bloody tree, and when I go outside I expect to see a new bicycle leaning up against the damn garage!"

On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog crap. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog crap around the Christmas tree.

Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog crap by the garage.

When he walked back into the house, his dad smiled and asked, "So, Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"

Little Johnny replied, "Beats the hell out of me. I think I got a friggin' dog but I can't find him.

# Persistence

A little black boy and girl go trick or treating. They knock on the door of this house and the man who answers it says, "Well, you two are awful cute. Who are you supposed to be?"

"We're Jack and Jill" she replied.

The man says, "You can't be Jack and Jill, you're black!"

So, they go off and a while later they come back dressed differently. They ring the doorbell and once again and the man opens the door.

"Well now, that is just darn cute. Who are you this time?"

"We're Hansel and Gretel" says the little boy.

"Well, I hate to disappoint you son, but you can't be Hansel and Gretel because you're black!"

Heads hung low, they leave. Not too much later the man hears the bell rings again. This time when he opens the door there stand the two children but this time they are BUCK NAKED.

"Oh my! And just who are you supposed to be now?!" he asks.

"We're Chocolate M & M's, " said the little girl. "I'm plain. He's with nuts!"

# Not Old Enough *

Little Billy was spending the weekend with his grandparents in their cabin in the hills of Arkansas. He was watching his grandpa whittle and finally asked "can I use your knife and whittle for a while?"

"Nope," says grandpa "you're not old enough -- when your dick hangs down to your knee you'll be old enough for a knife."

After a while Billy asks "Can I go hunting with you tomorrow morning?"

"Nope," says grandpa "you're not old enough -- when your dick hangs down to your knee you'll be old enough to go hunting."

"Well," says Billy, "can I have a drink of the stuff you have in your jug?"

"Nope," says grandpa "you're not old enough -- when your dick hangs down to your knee you'll be old enough to drink this stuff."

So Billy is now feeling very dejected so he goes into the cabin and just mopes around. Wanting to cheer Billy up his grandma bakes him a batch of his favorite cookies. Billy takes his cookies and a glass of milk and goes out on the porch to eat them. Grandpa smells the fresh cookies and goes up to Billy and asks for a cookie."

"Nope," says Billy, "you're not young enough -- but I tell you what you can do with that long dick of yours."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Not the Cow *

On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?

In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row." The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?" The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Check it Out

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

# Dark in Here

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Her nine-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it."

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$175.00"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball mitt."

The lover remembering the last time asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$375.00"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The boy replies, "$550.00"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

# Pass it Along *

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. that's the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door.

The madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and mom will go to bed and have sex, and mom will catch it.

In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with mom and catch the disease, and he's the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my frog!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Johnny's New Bike

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.

"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"

# Fruitful Description

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are.

"Those are the Apples on the Tree of Life," he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies, "Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?"

# Collar on Backwards

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."

The little boy replied "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.

The priest getting impatient said "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly...but on leaving the bus he leaned over and said...."Well. maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead."

# Tight Boots

A teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. After the grunting and goaning to get the boots off was over, he then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Finally, as he stood there with his brother's boots on, she said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He replied,"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

# Not to Worry

Two little boys were walking home from Sunday School, where they had just heard a fire and brimestone message from the Pastor about the devil and all his wickedness.

The first boy turned to the other and asked, " What do you think about all that Satan stuff?" "

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it," the other boy answered, "You know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad!"

# Too Young to Understand

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney., but how can I explain a thing like that to a seven- year-old?"

# Accelerated Promotion **

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

"Harry, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

Harry: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms Brooks: "What starts with a 'C' ends with a 'T' is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

Ms Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Harry: "Bubblegum."

Ms Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Harry: "Shake hands."

Ms Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yep."

Ms Brooks: "You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."

Harry: " A Tent."

Ms Brooks: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Harry: " A Wedding Ring."

Ms Brooks: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."

Harry: " A Nose."

Ms Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."

Harry: "An Arrow."

Ms Brooks: "What starts with an 'F'' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

_** Risque_

# Too Close for Comfort

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was so scared he practically soiled himself. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

# Bad Brothers

A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively mischievous.

The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.

The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "where is God?"

At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"

The younger brother replied, "We are in big trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"

# No Big Deal

A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."

# Who are These For?

Two little boys go into the drug store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either."

The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?"

The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?"

The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."

# Breakfast Orders

A 7-year-old and his 4-year-old brother are upstairs in their bedroom. The 7-year-old is explaining that it is high time that the two of them begin swearing.

When his little brother responds enthusiastically, the 7-year old says, ''When we go downstairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'hell' and you say 'ass'.''

The 4-year-old happily agrees.

As the two boys are seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walks in and asks her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast.

The 7-year-old replies, ''Aw hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

The surprised mother reacts quickly and whacks him one. The boy runs upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind.

With a sterner note in her voice, the mother then asks the younger son, ''And what would you like for breakfast?''

''I don't know,'' the 4-year-old blubbers, ''but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios!''

# Toy Town Trash *

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Bathtub Anxieties

There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.

"Can I touch it?"

"No way -- you already broke yours off!

# I'm Really Thirsty

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water!?!''

'No. You had your chance.''

A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''

''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass or water?''

# She's a Real Doll

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work for the day. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

# It's Alright Mommy

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got a quarter!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the quarter from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me a quarter for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''Oh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got another quarter. The mother asked, "Where did you get the quarter from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me a quarter for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.''

# Very Suspect

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test, and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it. "Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, 'Who was our first president?', and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put 'George Washington,' and so did you."

"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."

"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, 'Who freed the slaves?' Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."

"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.

"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson. The next question was, 'Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?' Mary put 'I don't know,' and you put, 'Me neither'."

# Patient Mother

A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately began to have a conniption, and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It won't be long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats. When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there, Missy, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and then we'll be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when her mom said she couldn't have any. The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name is Francine - I'm Missy."

# Whatcha Got There?

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Roll of duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. ''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

# Do Your Chores First

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, "Have you done your chores yet?"

"No," replies the boy, "but could I have breakfast first?"

"You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs."

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he he kicks a chicken. Next, we walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, "Where's my eggs, my milk and my sausage?"

"Well," says his mother, "I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don't get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don't get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don't get any sausage."

Just then, the boy's father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, "Should I tell him now, or do you want to?"

# Christmas Cookies

Every year, Grandma and her grandkids, Suzy, Jill, and Billy come stay with her over Christmas. And every Christmas Eve they would make a big bowl of cookie dough so they could make cookies on Christmas Day. And every time, the next morning the cookie dough would be gone. The grandma could never catch them, so this year she put metal bb's in the cookie dough. The next morning, the cookie dough was gone and soon Suzy came running downstairs.

''Grandma, I went to the bathroom to pee and bb's came out.''

"Suzy," Grandma said. "I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." Then Jill came down and said ''Grandma, I went poo and there were bb's in it.''

"Jill, I know you've been eating cookie dough. Sit down." About five minutes later little Billy came.

''Grandma something terrible has happened, I was jerking off in the garage and I shot the cat!'

# I'm Going to be Sick

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.

''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''

# The Fastest Dad

Three young boys were trying to figure out whose dad was the fastest.

"My dad is so fast he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so fast that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's fastest because he works for the government. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

# Penance by the Numbers **

A priest had to be away from his parish for a day and asked the jamitor to take over confession for him. The janitor was apprehensive, but the priest said that it would be easy since the janitor would be inside the confessional and the priest had prepared a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance. The janitor finally agreed and took the booth early the next morning. Soon people started arriving and a middle aged man entered the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."

"Adultery, eh?" the janitor said. "You sly devil. That'll be twenty hail mary's, plus fifty bucks."

"Thank you, Father."

Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."

"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be ten hail mary's, plus twenty bucks."

"Thank you, Father."

This was easy, the janitor thought. I can handle this.

Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have commited the sin of butt-sex."

The janitor looked at the list, but I didn't see butt-sex there so he excused himself to see if he could get some help. He finally found a choir boy hanging out on the steps of the church.

"Excuse me," the janitor said. "What does Father Matthew give for butt sex?"

"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."

_** Risque_

# Getting into Your Part

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

# Strange Diet **

Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats light bulbs.

"How do you know that?" asks his teacher.

"I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said 'If you turn out the light, I'll eat that thing.'

_** Risque_

# Scary Storm

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, ''Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?''

His mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. ''I can't dear,'' she said. ''I have to sleep in daddy's room.''

A long silence was broken at last by his little voice. ''The big sissy.'

# What is Sex?

An eight year old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard.

''Daddy, what is sex?''

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees.'' When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.

''Why did you ask that question, honey?''

''Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.''

# Exciting Punctuation

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

# Sand Box Squabble

It was recess and the pre-schoolers came in. The teacher asked Susie what she did today. ''Well, I played in the sandbox,'' she said. The teacher said, ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie.'' So Susie did.

Then Billy came in and the teacher asked what he did. ''I played in the sandbox with Susie,'' he said. ''If you can spell sand, I'll give you a cookie,'' the teacher said. So Billy did.

Then the little Russian boy said, ''Well, I wanted to play in the sandbox, but Billy and Susie were throwing rocks at me.''

The teacher said, ''Well, that sounds like discrimination. If you can spell that, I'll give you a cookie.'

# Really Bad Coffee

On Father's Day, a little boy decides to make his dad breakfast in bed. He makes scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brings it into his dad, hands him the cup of coffee and says,''Try it dad.''

The dad takes a sip and nearly passes out because it is so strong. The little boy asks,''How do you like it Dad?''

The dad doesn't want to hurt the little boy's feelings so he says, ''This is....something else, I've never tasted coffee quite like this before, Son.''

The little boy smiles from ear to ear. And says, ''Drink some more Pops.''

As the dad is drinking, he notices two toy soldiers in the bottom of the cup, and says,''Hey! Why did you put these in here?''

The little boy again smiles and sings,''The Best Part Of Waking Up, Is SOLDIERS In Your Cup.''

# Where is He Today?

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!?'

# Rough Treatment **

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, "Are you my daddy?"

The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, "Are you my daddy?"

The doctor says, "No, I'm not your father."

They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, "Are you my daddy?"

And the father says, "Yes, I am!"

So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, "How do you like that?! How do you like that?!

_** Risque_

# If I Had My Choice

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says, "Making a puppy." So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies, "Making a baby." The little boy says, "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!"

# Listen to This

Just as mom walks though the door, little Jonny comes running over. He says ''Mommy, Mommy. I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took off each others clothes and laid down on the bed...''

The mother interupts him. ''Stop right there!! Wait 'till daddy comes home!!''

When the father finally returns from work, mother promptly goes up to him and says ''I'm leaving you.''

The father, bewildered, slowly asks ''Why!?! What did I do??''

The mother turns to Jonny and says '' tell daddy exactly what you told me today!''

''I was playing in daddy's closet and he came in with the lady next door and they started kissing and then they took each other's clothes off and laid down on the bed...just like what you and Uncle Joe did last summer.''

# Smart Son

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

# Just Like a Woman

One day a father and son areout in the yard flying a kite. The kite keeps going in circles and crashing into the ground. After watching this for almost an hour the mother sticks her head out of the kitchen window and yells, ''You need more tail!''

The father shakes his head and says: "Isn't that just like a woman -- last night in bed, when I wanted some tail, she told me to go fly a kite."

# Late for School

A farm kid was late was late for school one day.

"I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer," he explained to the teacher.

"Couldn't your father have done that?"

"Sure, but the bull would have done a better job."

# Stand Up Stupid

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,

"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

# Father's Occupation

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds that Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."

# Early Dismissal

It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around and angrily says: "who said that?"

Johnny: "Bill Clinton. Can I go now?"

# Not a Problem

A young mother was having a consultation with a doctor. As they spoke, her Little Johnny could clearly be heard terrorizing the people in the waiting room - yet she made no attempt to restrain him.

Soon they heard some clattering in an adjoining room, but still she did nothing. Finally, after an extra-loud crash, the woman casually told the doctor, "I hope you don't mind my Little Johnny playing in there."

"No, not at all," said the doctor calmly. "I'm sure he'll quiet down as soon as he finds the poison."

# Practice What You Preach **

One evening a mom and dad and two sons are watching TV. The dad gives the mom a look, and they head upstairs.

The two little boys wonder what they are doing, so they go up to take a peek.

''Well,'' said the older boy, ''remember this when mom gets on your case for sucking your thumb!'

_** Risque_

# As the Worm Turns

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.

" The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."

# Get Out of My Church

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers and Sisters, I understand that there have been some he'n and she'n going on. I will not tolerate fornication in my church. All of those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some men and women exited the church.

''Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some he'n and he'n goin' on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some embarrased men exited the church.

''Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some she'n and she'n going on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some women got up and exited the church. The preacher looked around and the only one left in the church was a little boy sittin' in the front pew. The preacher walked up to the boy.

''I would like to commend you for being such an upright, loyal Christian.''

''Hold up now preacher. If you had gotten down to some me'n and some me'n, I'd have to get up and leave too!''

# Young Texans

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Johnny.

The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Johnny says, "I'm not a bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm an Al Gore fan"

The teacher asks why he's an Al Gore fan.

The boy says, "Well, my mom's an Al Gore fan and my dad's an Al Gore fan, so I'm an Al Gore fan!"

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says,

"What if you're mom was a moron and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"

Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

# Political Puppies

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a box of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. Dubya asked the boy what kind of puppies were in the box.

The little boy said, "Republicans."

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, "Atta boy!"

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy's house, winked at Dick and said, "Hey kid, what kind of pupies are in the box?"

The boy said, "Democracts"

Bush looked crushed, saying, "What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!"

The boy said, "Well, the puppies opened their eyes."

# Money from God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

# Saving the President

One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.

Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, "I want a boat."

The second boy said, "I want a truck."

And the third boy said, "I want three tombstones with our names all on them."

Dubya asked, "Why is that, son?"

The little boy said, "Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!"

# A Valentine for Osama

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

# Won for Sure

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee'".

"How do you play that?" asked the redneck.

"It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."

So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play."

The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.

"You win for sure," they both said.

Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"

"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."

His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."

# A Good Example

A teacher decides that she is going to teach her second grade class a new word today. She tells them that the word is "definitely" and its meaning is "absolute, positive, without a doubt."

She asks the class if anyone can think of a sentence with the word in it. She calls on little Susan who is in the back raising her hand, quite sure of herself.

Susan stands up and says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher replies to her, "Well, that's a good sentence but sometimes the sky is gray, and sometimes its cloudy, and sometimes its red and pink so the sky is not definitely blue. Anyone else?"

Tom's hand flies up and she calls on him.

Tom answers, "The water is definitely clear."

"Well, Tom that's a good sentence but sometimes the water is muddy, and sometimes it's green, and sometimes it's full of seaweed so it's not definitely clear. Anyone else?"

Finally, in the far corner, little Robert slowly raises his hand.

"Yes, Robert?" asks the teacher.

"Can I ask a question, teacher?" Robert replies.

"Yes."

"Do farts have lumps?"

"No. Why do you ask."

"Well, then I've definitely pooped in my pants."

# Smart Pills

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, ''What is that?''

''They're smart pills,'' said the other boy. ''Eat them and they'll make you smarter.

So he ate them and said, ''These taste like shit.''

''See,'' said the other boy, ''you're already getting smarter.''

# Smoke Rings

Three little boys were sitting around talking about their fathers. The first boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings."

The second boy said, "My dad can blow smoke rings out of his nose."

The third boy said, "Well, my dad can blow smoke rings out of his butt."

The first and second boys where amazed. The second boy said, "Have you seen him do it?"

"No," said the third boy, "but I've seen the tobacco stains on his underwear."

# Presents for the Teacher

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

# Important Life Lesson *

A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin' The son turns to his dad and asks, "Dad what are those dogs doing?" The dad says, "Son I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is"

The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He tries again, "Son them two dogs are" He stops again and decides to wait until the boy is older.

"Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home."

The son turns to his father and says, "You're right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn."

The dad asks, "Do you know why that is, son?"

The son replies, "Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Christmas Coercion

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy for most of the year, so I want a new..." He again looks at it with disgust and throws it away.

He then gets an idea. He goes into his mother's room, takes a statue of the Virgin Mary, puts it in the closet, and locks the door. He takes another piece of paper and writes, "Dear baby Jesus. If you ever want to see your mother again..."

# Annoyed Bus Driver

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!'

# A Fascinating Lesson *

A teacher asks her class of 3rd graders to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. She calls on a small boy sitting in the front row.

"I saw an airshow. And it was very fascinating."

"Good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" She then calls on a girl sitting off to the left.

"I saw some monkeys. They were very fascinating."

"Good, but I wanted you to use the world 'fascinate,' not 'fascinating.'" Billy's hand shoots up into the air and she calls on him.

"Teacher, teacher! I got one!"

"Go ahead, Billy."

"My sister's shirt has ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fascinate."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# It's Worth a Try **

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

_** Risque_

# Spiders Mating

Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy," he replied.

"What do you call the spider on top daddy?" Lucy asked.

"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy inquired, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"

Daddy replied, "No, both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

Lucy thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat. "Well, we're not having that sort of thing in going on in our garden!"

# Killing Flies

Little Johnie and his friend Charlie were walking to school one morning.

Little Johnie said, "Know what, Charlie? I killed five flies yesterday, three males and two females."

"How could you tell them apart, Joe?" asked Charlie.

Little Johnie replied, "That was easy. The three males were drinking beer out of a can and the two females were on the phone."

# Did God Make You?

A grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?"

"Yes, He did," the older man answered.

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.

At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately." 

# General and the Brat

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

# A Message for Santa

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

# Two New Words *

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Makes Big Money

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

# Are You Alright?

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help the students. One day during recess, she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked the girl if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed that the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling that she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

# Lucky Johnny ***

Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying, "Johnny, this is where you came from."

Johnny went to school the next day smiling, insisting that all his friends refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."

"Why?" one asked.

Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd."

_*** May not be suitable for mixed company_

# Mommy's Busy

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the tomato sauce to come out of the bottle.

During her struggle the phone rang so she asked Little Johnny to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy," Little Johnny said to his mother. Then he added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

# Valiant Service

One Sunday morning, the minister noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the minister walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked,"Which service, the 8:15 or the 10:30?"

# Chicken Little

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

# Now That's a Tragedy

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..."

# Making Cakes

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench.

The little girl says "Mummy, what are they doing?".

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm they are making cakes".

The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkies having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, making cakes.

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mummy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the lounge last night eh?"

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"

She says, "Because you got some of the icing on the sofa."

# The Fishing License

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

# Making Your Prayers Count

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"

# The Horsie Ride **

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act.

Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.

Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

_** Risque_

# Step Away from the Squirrel

A policeman caught a nasty little boy with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

"Now listen here," the policeman said, "Whatever yo do to that poor, defenceless creature I shall personally do to you"

"In that case," said the boy, "I'll kiss it's butt and let it go"

# Easy Catch

A woman was driving her old beat up car on the Highway with her 7 year old son. She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road, she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit. Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car.

Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car. As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Her son piped up from the back seat, "I do... because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

# The Mexican Student

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth' "?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Martinez whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Vocabulary Lesson **

There was a class and each student had to go up to the front of the class and say a sentence using one of their spelling words.

First Juan goes up and his word was love so he says, "Sara says she loves me".

Then it's Chase's turn and his word is hate. So he goes up and says, "Sara says she hates me".

Then it's Chris's turn and his word is dictate. So he goes up to the frount of the class and says, "Sara says my dictate good".

_** Risque_

# Johnny's Report

One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.'

As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its ass.

Johnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, "This is going to be my report."

The next day at school the teacher says, "Johnny, do you have your report done?"

He says, "sure do." So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. '

"Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's ass."

The teacher says, "Johnny, we don't use the word 'ass' in the classroom, it's rectum."

Johnny said, 'Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed 'em."

# The Winning Run

Coming home from his Little League game, Billy swung open the front door very excited. Unable to attend the game, his father immediately wanted to know what happened.

"So, how did you do, son?" he asked.

"You'll never believe it!" Billy said. "I was responsible for the winning run!"

"Really? How'd you do that?"

"I dropped the ball."

# Playing Doctor

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

# The Old Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied,"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."

# Unjust Punishment

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework."

# First Day of School

The child comes home from his first day at school.

Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

# Arithmetic Lesson *

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?"

"That's exactly what I said!

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Politics Simplified

A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy.

Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper. So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up. Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid. The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."

# The Little Archer

A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.

"Who is this incredibly fine archer?" cried the duke. "I must find him!"

After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.

"You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you?" asked the duke worriedly.

"No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy."

"That is truly astonishing," said the duke. "I hereby admit you into my service." The boy thanked him profusely.

"But I must ask one favor in return," the duke continued. "You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot."

"Well," said the boy, "first I fire the arrow at the tree.....and then I paint the target around it."

# Learning the Alphabet *

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.

"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".

"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Baby with No Ears

Little Johnny 's next door neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said "Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home."

"I promise not to mention his ears at all" said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand He looked at it's mother and said "Oh What a Beautiful little baby". The mother said "Thank you very much, Little Johnny."

He then said, "this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?"

The Mother said "why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said "well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

# I Know the Whole Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug!"

# Late for Church

One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she wouldn't be late for church.

As she ran she kept praying, "Dear God, please don't let me be late to church. Please don't let me be late to church...." As she was running she tripped and fell.

When she got back up she began praying again...

"Please, God don't let me be late to church -- but don't shove me either! 

# Having a Baby

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...

"Then why did you eat him?"

# Three Babies

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store check-out line.

The first little baby says, "Ugh, look at this - my mom just bought strained plums!"

The second baby says, "You think that's bad - my mom just bought strained peas!"

And the third baby says... "You think you guys got it bad? How would you like to share a breast with a guy that smokes cigars!"

# Litter of Kittens

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom!"

# The Carpool

For the second time in a row, I was forced to impose on the woman with whom I carpooled to our children's soccer practices. I phoned and explained that my husband had the car again, so I wouldn't be able to take my turn.

A few minutes before she was due to pick up my son, my husband showed up. Since it was too late for me to call and say I could drive after all, I asked my husband to hide the car in the garage and to stay inside. I also explained to my son that he shouldn't mention anything about his father's whereabouts.

Unfortunately, my husband forgot and was in front of our house chatting with a friend when my carpool partner arrived. When my son returned from practice, I asked him if she had noticed.

"Yes," he replied, "she asked me which of the two men in front of the house was my father. But don't worry. I told her I didn't know!"

# Is He Dangerous?

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

# The Old Leaf

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

# Don't Talk in Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers!"

# Our Country

The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags. She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"

A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."

"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?"

'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.

# Mother and Daughter

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in.

At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

# Animal Crackers

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.

The boy opened a box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

"What are you doing?" his mother asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the Boy explained, so "I'm looking for the seal!"

# Hold the Lantern

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so really far out and there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again Doc, Hit him again!" the 5 yr. old said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

# The Little Fireman

A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.

As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster."

"Maybe so," said the little boy, "But then I'd lose my siren!"

# My Dad Taught Me

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three."

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."

# Talkative Pediatrician

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

# White Hair

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

# Straight Talk **

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.(The daughter looks puzzled.)

Mom continues: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, dear.

_** Risque_

# Three Day Weekend

One day, the teacher walks into her classroom and announces to the class that on each Friday, she will ask a question to the class and anyone who answers correctly doesn't have to go to school the following Monday.

On the first Friday, the teacher asks, "How many grains of sand are in the beach?" Needless to say, no one could answer.

The following Friday, the teacher asks the class, "How many stars are in the sky?" and again no one could answer.

Frustrated, little Johnny decides that the next Friday, he would somehow answer the question and get a 3 day weekend. So Thursday night, Johnny takes two ping-pong balls and paints them black. The next day, he brings them to school in a paper bag.

At the end of the day, just when the teacher says, "Here's this week's question," Johnny empties the bag to the floor sending the ping-pong balls rolling to the front of the room. Because they are young kids who find any disruption of class amusing, the entire class starts laughing.

The teacher says, " Okay, who's the comedian with the black balls?"

Immediately, little Johnny stands up and says, "Bill Cosby, see ya on Tuesday!"

# Ring the Doorbell

Walking down the street, a man passes a house and notices a little boy trying to reach the doorbell. No matter how much the little guy stretches, he can't make it.

The man calls out, "Let me get that for you," and he bounds onto the porch to ring the bell.

"Thanks, mister," says the kid. "Now let's run!"

# Brotherly Love

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, age five, and Ryan, age three. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'".

Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" 

# The Greatest Man

One day at kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year olds, "I'll give two dollars to the child who can tell me who was the greatest man who ever lived."

An Irish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St.Patrick."

The teacher said, "Sorry Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "It was St. Andrew."

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either.

Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I'll give you the two dollars."

As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, "You know Marvin, since you're Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Marvin replied, "Yeah. In my heart I knew it was Moses, but business is business!"

# Dead Seagull

A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her, grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.

"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.

"He died and went to heaven," she replied.

The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"

# What Shall We Do?

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest??" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???"

"Well," replied the man... "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

# Killing an Eel **

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.

One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,just like the doctor would. Except he's not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.

He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.

This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.

Finally, I found out what was making them so sick.... a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. Honest!

Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!

Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go... I guess it bit her back.

Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.

After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel...

I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway.

He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn't dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.

I guess eels are like cats.... they have nine lives or something.

This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet."

Mother fainted.

_** Risque_

# A Boy and His Duck *

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son, things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway to town he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show you a really good time if you're interested."

He replies, "I'd sure like to, but all I have to pay with is this duck."

"Well," she says, "maybe we can work something out."

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping and feathers flying.....

When they come out, she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do that again, I'll give you back your duck."

As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still amazed at his abilities.

She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her. Just let me call ahead."

She calls her friend and tells her, "You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."

What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening in on the other phone.

The kid sets off for the woman's house and the husband meets him on the road and says, "Look boy, I'll give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all about my wife."

Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb, but the instructions were easy!!

He says, "Son, what the hell happened? I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!"

"Dad," he says, "You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First, I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking duck!!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Pedophile

This guy woke up one morning and saw his girlfriend with coat on and her bags packed. He said "What are you doing?"

She said "I'm leaving you because I heard you were a pedophile."

And the guy responded "Pedophile! That's a pretty big word coming from a twelve year old"

# I'll Give You a Lollypop

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking.

Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way.

The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!"

Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

# A Natural Clown

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him - HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

# The Dinner Party

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!"

# Lunch Meeting

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked:

"Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?"

After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered - "I guess you'd be eating alone!"

# Use Adult Language

The second grade pupils returned to class after the long weekend. Their teacher told them to tell their classmates about the most exciting thing they did during the weekend, but to use adult words in telling their stories.

First Pupil: "I visited my Nana."

Teacher: "Please use adult words, you visited your Grandmother."

Second Pupil: I had a ride on a choo-choo."

Teacher: "Please, you had a ride on a train."

Third Pupil: I read a whole book by myself for the first time."

Teacher: "Excellent. And what was the name of the book?"

Third Pupil, with a big grin: "Winnie The Shit!"

# Multi-syllable Words **

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!"

Teacher says "All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."

Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."

Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blow job. I'm talking about a hand job."

_** Risque_

# I Hate School

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school. She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.

"No," the son replies. "I don't wanna go to school!"

"You HAVE to go to school," the mother scolds.

"No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky."

"You WILL go to school, young man," the mother warns.

"Why? Why do I have to go to school today?" the son asks.

The mother is about to lose her patience.

"Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!"

# Simple Math Question

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

# An Apple for the Teacher *

Teacher in a one room school house comes in one morning to find a nice apple on her desk - with "TOT".

Knowing she had some not-so-nice pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked "Can someone explain 'TOT' to me?" Little Suzy on the front row raised her hand and explained"It means 'To Our Teacher." So that was OK.

Next morning she comes in and there was a bigger, prettier apple on her desk - with "TOTWL" written on it. Less worried she asks "who can explain this note?" Little Johnny waved his hand frantically on the front row. "That means 'To Our Teacher With Love'". So that was also OK.

Next morning she comes in and there's this great big watermelon on her desk - with "FUCK" written on it! Taken aghast, she blurts out "Who can explain this!?!" A little black boy in the back row raises his hand and explains "That means "From Us Colored Kids.'"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# I've Lost My Grandpa

An elderly man was at the Mall with his five year old grandson. While the grandfather was looking at some books, in one of the mall's bookstores, the child wandered off and they got separated.

Noticing that his grandson was gone the grandfather headed for the toy store, they had past shortly before, and where he thought the young lad would likely be headed. Unfortionately, the grandson had gone in the opposite direction.

When the grandson returned to the bookstore and his grandfather was gone he starting to get worried. The grandson then approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs !!"

# Farting in Class *

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down, farted and when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her

do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-Barrel!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Big Planes and Baby Planes **

A mother and her young son were flying Alaska Airlines. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area.

"Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

"Yes" He said nodding his head.

She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because Alaska Airlines always pulls out on time."

_** Risque_

# Counting Sheep

The teacher came up with a good problem. "Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"

"None," answered little Norman.

"None? Norman, you don't know your arithmetic."

"Teacher, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

# The Bull Elephant

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and says, "Mommy, what's that?" Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now."

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's member and says, "Daddy, what's that?" Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?" "Yes, she told me it was nothing." "Well, your mom is spoiled, son."

# Five Year Old Drinker

A five-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to harass the kid:

"Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son? Asked the preacher.

"That's nothing; I got laid when I was three." says the kid

"What?! How did that happen? Responds the preacher.

"I don't remember," says the kid, "I was drunk at the time."

# Honeymoon in Paris

A newly wed couple arranged to spend their honeymoon in a basement apartment they had rented in Paris. It was a gorgeous Spring day when they arrived and they took the opportunity to exercise their new marital privileges.

The three French boys walked by the open window and looked in -

Three year old: Oh looook, they are fighting...

Four year old: They are not fighting, they are mekking laaave...

Five year old: Oui! VERY poorly too!

# Willie's Gambling Problem *

Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything.

One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher. The teacher said. "Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose." Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.

The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, "Willie, I want you to remain after class." When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, "Dont say it, Miss B; I know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!"

"Willie!" the startled teacher said, "What are you talking about?"

"You're a fake!" Willie continued."How can I believe anything you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch black!"

Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie that isn't true."

"I'll bet a dollar it is!" Willie challenged.

The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson. "Make it five dollars and you have a bet," she said.

"You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss B. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head.

Willie hung his head. "You win," he said, handing her the fiver.

Miss. B couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines," she said, "I think we've finally taught him his lesson."

"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# The Birds and the Bees

There is this French couple, sitting up talking, when the wife says to the husband that it was time he had a conversation with their thirteen year old son about the birds and the bees.

So the father goes to his son's room and says, "Son, do you remember that session I arranged for you with mademoiselle Ginette?"

"Oh yes papa, I remember very well," says the son.

"Well son, it is time you knew that the birds and the bees do the same thing."

# The Stork Brought You

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents "how was I born?" "Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

"OH," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

"Oh, the stork brought us too." "Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence: "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

# Bride Wearing White

A little girl and her mother are sitting in church during a wedding. The little girl asks her mother; "Why is the bride wearing white?"

Not wanting to explain the purity thing, the mother responds: "The bride is wearing white because it is such a cheerful color and this is the happiest day of her life. See how she is smiling from ear to ear."

"Well," says the little girl, "I guess that explains why the groom is wearing black, he looks like it is the end of the world."

# Serious Surgery

Two little kids are in a hospital who were lying next to each other. The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about, I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

# Good Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach.

"Now go over there and explain it to your mother." 

# All Pumped Up **

A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."

The boy says, "That won't work."

His mom says, "Why?"

The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"

_** Risque_

# Are Your Folks at Home?

A salesman rang the doorbell, and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?"

Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."

The salesman asked if his mother was home.

Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman asked, "Well, can I see her?"

Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."

The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?"

Johnny laughed this time and said, "No."

The salesman asked, "Why?"

"Well," Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."

# Radar Trap Ahead

A Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money! 

# Wittle Wabbits

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you sell wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit." 

# The Monkey Tree *

A business executive takes his eight year old son to work with him for career day. After showing the boy around the plant, the executive sends the boy out on the floor to talk to the employees, while he makes an important phone call. On the way home, the executive asks his son what he thought about what he had seen.

"Well Dad," the young lad says, "it reminds me of the monkeys in the tree at the zoo."

"Why does my business remind you of a tree full of monkeys? says the dad.

"Because," says the son, "they are all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces."

"What about the monkeys on the bottom? says the dad.

"Well," says the son."the monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Questions for Hillary

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions: First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan? Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"

# Blonde School Counselor

A blonde named Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

The blonde approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

# Hair on Your Twinkie *

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. While her dad gets his hair cut, she stands right next to the barber chair, eating a Hostess snack cake.

The barber says to her, "You know, sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."

"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Looks Pretty Serious *

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.

When she found Joey she told him what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was.

Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"

_* Contains language or content you may find offensive_

# Dust to Dust

"Mom," says little Johnny, "do you remmember at Aunt Mary's funeral last week the preacher said we start out as dust and then after we die we become dust again?"

"Yes," says his mom, "I remember that, why do you ask?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "there is someone under my bed who is either coming or going."

# A Direct Object

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O'Neill said, "Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object."

Paul replied. "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school."

"Thank you, Paul," responded Mrs. O'Neill, "but what is the object?"

"To get the best mark possible," said Paul

# What is Your Name?

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Hudson's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Hudson."

The minister spoke to her in Sunday school and said, "Aren't you Mr. Hudson's daughter?"

She replied, "Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

# Say the Blessing

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?

" I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman said.

Her daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner when I don't even like them?''

# Peace and Quiet

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trashcan they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freaking' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

# Just Like Honest Abe

A ten year old boy was asking his dad for a ride to school. When the dad suggested that the boy walk, the young lad told his father that he was tired from cleaning his room and that the walk to school was over a mile each way.

"When Abraham Lincoln was your age," said the father, "he used to chop a chord of wood every week and walk twelve miles to school every day."

The son looked at his father and said: "When Abraham LIncoln was your age he was President of the United States."

"Get your books together," said the father, "while I back the car out of the garage."

# The Red Sea Mission

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!

# Easter Dress

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for "the children's sermon," and all the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a Bitch to iron."

# Proper Usage

Teacher: Julie, please give me a sentence starting with "I".

Julie: I is...

Teacher: No, Julie. Always say, "I am."

Julie: All right . . . "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

# More Doggone Plants

The teacher was telling the class about plants that have the word "dog" in front of them: dog rose, dogwood, dog violet. She asked the class if they could name another flower with the prefix "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss Jones, a collie-flower!"

# Kids on the Firing Line

A female newscaster is interviewing the shooting instructor at the local gun club who has a group of young kids.

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children today?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them safety, discipline, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

# Biting Your Fingernails

Little Jimmy bit his fingernails all the time. His parents tried everything to get him to stop, but to no avail. Finally, his mother, exasperated, decided to tell him a little white lie to get him to stop.

"Jimmy," she said, "You'd better stop biting your fingernails. If you don't, then those fingernails will pile up inside your stomach and soon your stomach will be huge and full of fingernails." Jimmy, worried about the idea of fingernails in his stomach, agreed to stop.

The next day, Jimmy and his mom were shopping in a supermarket. They went to check out, and a pregnant woman was waiting in line in front of them. Jimmy beamed at the pregnant woman and said, "I know what YOU'VE been doing...."

# Simple Sentence

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat', 'deduct', 'defence' and 'detail'. Jack stood seriously for awhile with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply.

"Defeat of Deduct went over defence before detail!"

# Hanging Pictures

Six-year-old Jerry came downstairs bellowing lustily.

"What's the matter?" asked his mother.

"Papa was hanging pictures and he just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Jerry.

"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "A big man like you shouldn't cry at a trifle like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"

"I did," sobbed Jerry.

# Making Faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith, the Sunday School teacher, smiling sweetly said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if that I made an ugly face, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

# Well Behaved Class

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.

When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like this before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."

# Creative Math

A teacher was having trouble teaching arithmetic to one little boy. So she said, "if you reached in your right pocket and found a nickel, and you reached in your left pocket and found a quarter, what would you have?"

After thinking about the question for a moment, the little boy said: "Somebody else's pants."

# A Portrait of God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

# Dumb Like a Fox

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel -- they said, because it was bigger.

One day after John grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and Johnny said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

# Sounds Scary

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.

"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.

"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

# Sulfuric Acid

Little Johnny was sitting outside a church playing with sulfuric acid. The priest came up to him and said "Child why are you playing with sulfuric acid, that's dangerous. Beswides, I've got some holy water inside that is much more powerful"

Little Johnny relied "How come?"

"Well last week I splashed some holy water on Mrs.Wilson's stomach and she passed a kidney stone," said the priest proudly.

"Thats nothing" retorted Little Johnny " I spashed some sulfuric acid on my dog's balls and he passed a Ferrari!"

# Jelly Beans

Three little boys went into an old time grocery store. " I want two cents worth of jelly beans," the first boy said to the clerk. The clerk frowned. The jelly beans were on the top self, and he didn't like climbing up there just to sell two cents worth. But he did it. When he came down, he put away his ladder and turned to the second boy.

"What will you have?" he asked.

"I'll have two cents worth of jelly beans, too," said the boy. Angrily, the clerk got the ladder and climbed up to get the jelly beans. While he was still up there, he turned to the third boy.

"You don't want two cents worth of jelly beans, do you?" asked the man.

"No, sir," answered the third boy. So the man climbed down and put away the ladder.

"Now, what do you want?" the clerk asked the boy.

"A nickel worth of the jelly beans," replied the lad.
Terry's Joke Collection

**Volume I - Animal to Bar Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Animal Jokes

Chapter 2 - Aviation Jokes

Chapter 3 - Bar & Pub Jokes

**Volume II - Barber to Domestic Staff Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Barber & Beautician Jokes

Chapter 2 - Bedside Jokes

Chapter 3 - Blind & Deaf Jokes

Chapter 4 - Blonde Jokes

Chapter 5 - Cafe & Restaurant Jokes

Chapter 6 - Cannibal & Jungle Jokes

Chapter 7 - College & University Jokes

Chapter 8 - Cowboy & Indian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Dentist & Optometrist Jokes

Chapter 10 - Domestic Staff Jokes.

**Volume III - Drugstore to Genie Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Drugstore & Pharmacy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Engineer & Programmer Jokes

Chapter 3 - Farm & Rural Jokes

Chapter 4 - Fireman & Paramedic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Fishing & Camping Jokes

Chapter 6 - Funeral & Cemetery Jokes

Chapter 7 - Garden of Eden Jokes

Chapter 8 - Gay & Lesbian Jokes

Chapter 9 - Genie & Magic Jokes

**Volume IV - Golfing to Kid Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Golfing Jokes

Chapter 2 - Heaven & Hell Jokes

Chapter 3 - Hobo & Drunk Jokes

Chapter 4 - Hooker & Stripper Jokes

Chapter 5 - Hotel & Motel Jokes

Chapter 6 - Hunting & Trapping Jokes

Chapter 7 - Kid & School Jokes

**Volume V - Lawyer to Medical Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Lawyer & Courtroom Jokes

Chapter 2 - Marriage & Relationship Jokes

Chapter 3 - Medical & Hospital Jokes

**Volume VI - Military to Newlywed Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Military & Nautical Jokes

Chapter 2 - Miscellaneous Jokes

Chapter 3 - Motorcycle & Biker Jokes

Chapter 4 - Nationality & Ethnic Jokes

Chapter 5 - Newlywed Jokes

**Volume VII - Nurse to Redneck Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Nurse & Receptionist Jokes

Chapter 2 - Parent & In-Law Jokes

Chapter 3 - Poker & Gambling Jokes

Chapter 4 - Police & Prison Jokes

Chapter 5 - Political Jokes

Chapter 6 - Psychiatrist & Asylum Jokes

Chapter 7 - Redneck & Hillbilly Jokes

**Volume VIII - Religion to Senior Citizen Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Religion & Clergy Jokes

Chapter 2 - Robot, Alien & Space Jokes

Chapter 3 - Sales & Office Jokes

Chapter 4 - Senior Citizen Jokes

**Volume IX - Sports to Train Jokes**

Chapter 1 - Sports & Recreation Jokes

Chapter 2 - Substitute Jokes

Chapter 3 - Supermarket Jokes

Chapter 4 - Teen & High School Jokes

Chapter 5 - Train, Bus & Taxi Jokes 
