-Hello. Hi. Okay.
Yeah, I'm Nimesh Patel.
I'm the number-one
Google result if you Google
"Nimesh Patel."
I only found this out
when my mom called me
and then she Googled me,
and she said,
"Nimesh, you're the
number-one Google result
if you Google 'Nimesh Patel.'"
I said, "You're damn right."
And then she said, "Every other
Nimesh Patel is a doctor."
Where did I go wrong?
Then she hung up the phone.
So, she's cool.
I love my parents.
I go to see
them from time to time.
I went home last weekend
to see my mom and my dad.
My mom picks me up
from the bus stop,
but she'll never
go straight home.
There's always like
40 errands between me
and the food
that's waiting for me.
And this last time I went home,
my mom picks me up.
She says, "Nimesh,
I have to go to the bank.
This will be 2 minutes."
I said, "This again?
All right,
let's go to the bank."
Go to the bank.
I'm sitting
in the car for 20 minutes.
And I call my mom.
I said, "Mom, I hope this is
a hostage situation.
'Cause, otherwise,
you're wasting my time."
She said,
"Nimesh, how old are you?"
I said, "32."
She said, "That's how many of
my years you wasted."
Then she hung up again. So...
That's a good burn.
I went to see my dad,
'cause it was his birthday.
And I got him a gym membership
for his birthday.
And I took him to the gym and I
discovered he's the kind of guy
that will follow around someone
who's hired a personal trainer
and then just do
those exercises.
[ Laughs ]
That's the best guy
on the planet.
My parents are Indian,
if you can't tell,
if you're stupid or something.
It's a weird time to be an
Indian person in this country.
I'll tell you that much.
'Cause it feels like,
at any moment,
black and white people
are about to go to war,
and Indians
are gonna have to choose.
I don't know what side to be on,
quite frankly.
It feels like mom and dad
are getting divorced, you know?
And dad's really cool, but
mom's got all the stuff, so...
I just saw this movie
that defines
race relations real well.
I saw "Get Out."
You guys seen it?
It's great.
It's a phenomenal movie.
If you haven't seen it,
it's a horror movie.
It's about a black guy
that goes to see
his white girlfriend's parents,
and they end up being mad white.
Like, crazy white.
It's a horror movie.
It's the most successful
horror movie
written and directed
by a black director.
You watch that horror movie.
Then you watch
a white horror movie,
like "Paranormal Activity,"
and you realize
the difference in the genres.
Like, real subtle.
In a black horror movie,
the monster is racism.
In a white horror movie,
the monster is
a house you could just leave.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
"We're not giving up on
this mortgage, Tabitha.
Not today."
I saw the movie with my
quite white girlfriend.
And then we went to see
her parents the next day,
and I was very suspicious.
I've been with my girlfriend
for about four years now,
so we fight in public.
That's all that means.
I've discovered that the
best place to have an argument
with your girlfriend is in
the back of an Uber,
because you have a judge.
And he usually goes with
whoever ordered the car.
If my girl and I are fighting,
I will call an Uber to nowhere
and I'll text the driver like,
"Hey, man, you better be
on my side, bro.
There's some stars riding on
this one for you."
My girl and I, the other night,
are in the back of this Uber,
and we're arguing.
And the driver is dead-quiet.
And then we get to our
destination.
My girl gets out.
Driver turns around and looks at
me and says, "Hey, man,
I agree with you."
Not enough stars
for that review.
I wrote Uber a letter.
I was like, "I'm never taking
a Lyft or a cab ever again.
I want this specific
Muhammad guy every time."
'Cause, look, sometimes,
you need a stereotype
to be true, okay?
My Middle Eastern friends --
great guys.
But when you're fighting
with your girlfriend,
you want the opinion
of that one Middle Eastern guy
that doesn't believe in
women's rights on your side.
[ Audience groans ]
You guys got tense,
but I'm not wrong.
It's wrong, but I'm not wrong.
"Oh, you think
I should do the dishes.
[ Laughs ]
Let's see what this
dude from Qatar has to say."
All right, thank you very much.
I'm Nimesh.
