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The Secret History

Series

The Life of George Washington

By

John D Sons

The secret diary of George Washington

Eddie Longneck had decided to go hiking in the backwoods of Virginia. He wanted to escape the torments of his boring life working at the ink factory. The only relief he got from his screaming five brats and his to say mildly plus size wife. She had been one of those girls that was a time bomb. She started off a size 4 and ended up a 24. Hiking was his only relief. There were still a handful of good things for old Eddie Longneck. The two greatest being his Saturday hiking expeditions by himself and Marijuana.

Eddie was not a retail consumer of his herbal pastime. He always had a little stash growing a few plants of Marijuana hidden on the back paths of the Virginia mountains. One Saturday Eddie had made his way from his home deep into the trails of Northern Virginia. With his compass he knew that he was near Mount Vernon the home of George Washington. Eddie sat down near a tree to spark up one of his countless

Marijuana cigarettes. He was listening to his I pod the tune was Black Sabbaths the Writ. The more stoned Eddie Longneck got the More Mr. Osborne's voice spoke to him in a profound way. Eddie reached for the matches he had in his backpack so that he could fire up his joint. He looked inside of his backpack and found there were matches but the flint box was missing. Now how the hell will I get this match to light Eddie thought to himself. Eddie looked over at the big oak tree that was directly in front of him and noticed a huge stone that was a third of the way up the side of the tree. Eddie walked over to the huge stone in front of the tree thinking he could spark his match against the stone.

As Eddie struck his match against the large stone that covered a third of the tree he felt a small groove. The top of his match broke off in the groove of the stone. Eddie took another match from his hand and began to dig out the dirt and leaves that had grown in the groove of the stone facing. He scraped off the junk that covered the edges and began to reveal the outline of a square. Eddie took out the pocket knife that he had and began to carve in the groove. It looked just like some type of small dresser drawer. Eddie began to scrape at the edges with the knife. The rock dust crumbled to the ground. Eddie was able to get the knifes edge into the grooves of the concrete. When he had scraped all of the edge away he could see that carved into the side of the rock was a hidden compartment. He took the edge of the knife and pulled at the stone. As he broke the facing he could see inside something wrapped in a sack. He finished breaking the false front of the stone. When he had done this he seen that there was a book wrapped inside 3 layers of cloth. On the face of the old book it said The True Account Of The Life Of Washington. Under the title it had been signed in fancy cursive writing the name John Appleton.

Eddie could not believe what he had found inside of the hidden stone compartment. The book looked to be very old. It had a leather covering and the pages were perfect. The rock had kept the elements from ruining the contents of the book. As Eddie sat back down her forgot all about the join the was going to smoke and he turned off his Black Sabbath filled ipod. He examined the old book. Inside the cover it was dated December 16,1799.

Eddie could not believe his good fortune. He was not too stoned to pay attention when that PBS show Antiques road show had been on last Thursday. I bet I can sell this old book on eBay and then buy a pound of that primo bud my dealer keeps in the refrigerator Eddie dreamed of the Hydroponics Marijuana he would be buying with the sale of the old book. Eddie began to turn the pages the book was in perfect condition.

My name is John Appleton and if anyone knew what I had written here I would have already been killed. I suspect to be killed by the Government men anyhow as I know all of there secrets. You see dear reader I was the personal assistant to General George Washington. I began to work for Mr. Washington many years ago. I have had many adventures with our Nations First President.

Eddie began to read the old hand written book. It was written in very nice cursive writing by someone named John. Dear reader if you have found this I want you to hear the true account of the life of Washington. I was born on his father Augustine's plantation in the same year that my master George was born. I was told at the age of five that I would be the life long assistant to George. He would need a good nigger like me to work for him and do all the shit he was too lazy to do. George was not the hero he was made out to be. If I had not been born blacker than a ravens ass I could have been the president. George was one of those guys that had it made by birth. We covered up a lot of the scandalous shit he did throughout his life to give him a good image with the public. I wanted to write down the true account for my own sanity.

When I was five I discovered that because I was born a black boy I would have to be Georges Nigger. I accepted the task as it beat the hell out of slaving in the tobacco fields. Being Georges bitch meant that I got to acquire the ability to read and write.

When I was five I was brought from the slave quarters in back of the Washington family house to the study of Mr. Augustine Washington. All of the other blacks just called him big masta but I was allowed to call him Mr. Augustine. He told me that from now on I would be a servant to his son and that I would be called good nigga John instead of plain old nigger.It was a real honor to be called Nigga John. I fealt like the most special boy in the whole slave quarters..

The next day after our meeting in the study I was brought in to meet Mr. Washington. Hi nigger john your going to be my nigga for life said George Washington to me. I am pleased to meet you masta George sir and I promise to be a good servant to you. From that day me and George would spend almost every moment together.

George was always not wanting to do his schooling; His favorite thing to do was to sneak down to the slave quarters and watch the slave girls bath in the buckets out in back. We would peek between the fence row and get an eyeful of the perfect chocolate pairs of coconuts on the house slave girls. Those poor slave girls would sometimes have to go into Augustine Washington's study. Me and George listened as we heard heavy moans from the slave girls behind the door. Augustine Washington must have exerted himself because he always had his clothes disheveled after the slave girl would go back to cleaning. There would be a ring of sweat on his forehead just like when he was having a glass of whiskey in his chair on the porch in the hottest summer months. Me and George just guessed that he had wore himself out whipping the really pretty maid named sally. He seemed to like to whip sally a lot almost every afternoon it seemed. She spent a lot of time in his office when Misses Washington was away.

When we were not getting an anatomy lesson peeking between the fence row me and George would hang out with his half brother Lawrence. Lawrence was always talking about being in the army. We would spend long afternoons playing soldier. George liked to do math problems for fun.

One day one of the other field niggers named Jumblia told master Augustine to stick his pitch fork up his ass and bail the hay himself. He then proceeded to punch old Augustine right in the nose. He had a few sips of the happy juice that the slaves always brewed out in back of the slave quarters. It was clear and really strong.

Later that evening there was a gallows set up to the side of Mr. Washington's house. Me and George went down to watch the activities. Some big mastas from the neighbor plantations had arrived and they were taking turns drinking small glasses of the happy juice. After taking a drink of happy juice they would give old Jumblia a crack with the whip and then compare the damage. After a particularly sharp crack Augustine exclaimed Ohhh that had to hurt. Blood gushed from the tear in Jumblyas back.

Over in his rocking chair sat old uncle Joe. Old uncle Joe was kind of the chief around the slave quarters. He knew how to make really good beer so big masta Augustine had let him retire. Old Joe sure knew a lot of stuff. He had been the assistant to Big Masta Augustine. Augustine had taught Joe how to read and write and now that they were both getting older Old Joe didn't have to do much work. Old Joe seen me and George watching Jumblya take his cracks with the whip. Boys! Boys! Get over here Joe shouted. Me and George decided to go over and see what the old fart wanted.

When we got over to Old Joes rocking chair that had a clear view of the beating taken place Joe said sit your asses down boys. Boys your seeing a good lesson. A smart Nigger or in your case white man George knows when to keep his mouth shut. That dumb mutha fucka Jumblya never did have the sense to just know when to say when. It was hard to hear Old Joe between the screams and pitiful cries of Jumblya. Boys always study the customs and manners of important men. A muthafucka got to know how to bullshit in this world. You boys feel what I'm saying don't ya said old Joe.

After about what seemed the hundredth crack old Jumblya was untied. His back looked like the stub of a bloody chicken's neck. It oozed out red everywhere as he cried in agony. I heard old master Augustine tell Jumblya Ok Nigger now its time to get this party cracking. Joe bring over that jug of beer I need to top of the fluids screamed one of the neighboring plantation owners. Yes sire sure thing Joe said as he ran over to give the Neighbor a swig of the beer from his jug.

George always being an enterprising mother fucka as Uncle Joe always said turned to me and said. You know what nigger John someone should bottle up that shit and sell it. I think there should be a fair quanity of drink per bottle perhaps around 40zes. I bet we could make some coin doing that shit and if you help me I might let you have some of the spoils.

Jumblya was walked up the scaffold. When he was at the top he shit his trousers full. There must have been enough manure in his pants to run several large farms. I do not know the exact quantity but can clearly remember the smell. It smelled as if all the out houses in Virginia had been assembled in one small yard. Then each of their contents poured upon the ground for your nasal pleasure.

Old Uncle Joe looked at George and said son you take a good look at whets about to happen to that mother fucka. George I want you to always study the art of bullshittin and who knows a white boy like yo self might be a fuckin royal governor or some shit. George you listening my main man over there? George was transfixed on old jumbly who was about to swing from the neck.

Jumblya was asked got any last words nigger? By Augustine Washington. Fuck You Motherfuckers was the last thing that old jumblya said. With that the trap door was released and Jumblya was removed from this world. To young George it seemed a high price to pay to make whatever point old Jumblya was trying to make. Nigger John I promise not to have you hung. And I promise to always be a good nigger for you George said John Appleton.

Boys I want you both to remember this day. I always got better treatment because I knew how to conduct myself Uncle Joe said to the boys. In Life you boys learn how to blame someone else for the shit you did. Know when you can win a battle and you cant. Always make yourself look like you're the good guy. Now Georgie this shit is important that you learn. Nigger John the shit doesn't matter as much for you in that you're a nigger anyhow. George if you learn how to bullshit I think you will go far in life. Remember boys old Jumblya ended up with is trousers full of shit and his neck broke because he didn't know how to play this motherfucking game of life. Keep it one hundred boys and don't be like that dumbass jumblya.

One Morning we were called from the side yard where we were practicing the art of speaking well with Old Uncle Joe and Georges half brother Lawrence to Augustine's Study. Boys we will be moving to a new plantation said Augustine. It seemed that Georges mother Mary had decided that it was time for a new place. I learned later it was because several of the slave girls were showing baby bumps. It seemed big master Alexander had been spending a little too much time in the slave shacks. Mary could not have the other plantation owners knowing that Augustine liked himself some chocolate added to his vanilla life so she made his ass move to a new place. The slave girls were sold to a sugar plantation in some sweat soaked part of the world called Cuba.

The new plantation was about 40 miles from where we first lived. Only old Joe was brought as well as me and the members of the Washington family. Augustine never went anywhere without Old Joe. He and Old Joe seemed to really enjoy playing checkers and drinking on the f ront porch. I remember both of them being so drunk they pissed themselves a Nile river right down the front of their trousers. I could not understand why they had to drink so much at one time. George said we are going to get drunk on the porch like the men do some day Nigger John. Let's make a vow to get fucked up at least every other Saturday night George told John.

The new plantation house was really nice. It was bigger than the old plantation house but I still had to sleep in a shack out in back of it. In the fall George would be starting school across the river in Fredericksburg, Virginia. I was told by big Master Augustine that I would be going to school with George. I would be allowed to sit in on the classes in case George needed something and I was needed to go fetch it. At school I and George learned all kinds of shit. I got to learn how to read better and do Math. I needed to be smart if I was going to be a good personal servant to George Washington.

The new plantation was called ferry farm. George's brother had been sent off to England to do some school studying. George and I had to cross the river to go to school in Fredericksburg. Sometimes we would cut class and go fishing or shoplifting at the town market. Shoplifting was a lot of fun and there was no one quicker than George Washington at stealing fruit from the produce stand. George told me I would have to take the blame if we were caught. George loved stealing even though he was only seven years old.

Fredericksburg was the biggest town I had ever seen. I and George went to school at the local parish. Our teacher was Reverend James Marye. Reverend Marye was a good teacher. He told George that all men should be equal and that slavery was wrong. George told me that he would talk to his father Augustine about freeing us slaves. George came back after talking to his dad about it. He told me that Augustine said that sometimes a wrong makes a right and that a motherfucka has got to get paid. After that I realized I would have to be George's nigger forever because a motherfucking white man has got to get paid no matter what. Reverend Marye never could find this verse in the Bible for me. I asked him to look it up but he couldn't find it.

Reverend Marye would have a lesson for us to learn every week. I remember me and George eagerly awaiting the lessons. I loved learning from Reverend Marye and so did George. Augustine had assigned Reverend Marye to teach George how to become a gentleman. This included a lot of lessons in proper speaking and things like horsemanship. I was glad that because I was Georges nigger that I got to learn to write and be a young gentleman too.

One day Reverend Marye said its time you boys learn how to drink like a man. He pulled out a big bottle of a clear liquid. Revered marye said we needed to learn a lesson from the Bible. The lesson he said was not to be a drunkard. If your not going to be a drunkard boys you have to get your alcohol; tolerance up. The only way to get the tolerance level up is to drink. The more you boys drink the more it will take to get drunk. If you can drink the shit out of corn whiskey and not get drunk than you wont be a drunkard. This seemed like some good logic to me. Reverend Marye said you cannot learn about sin without doing some sinning. I think that was one of the greatest lessons I ever learned at the church. We proceeded to drink several small glasses that The Reverend called shot of he clear liquid. After I had three of them my head was rather light and my vision blurred. George had four shots always trying to win at everything. Suddenly George ran from the pews of the church house to the doorway where he proceeded to loose the contents of his stomach into the yard. Reverend Marye said next time we would do something called chasing it with beer after each shot. I discovered that day why Old Uncle Joe and Augustine liked drinking on the porch so much.

George asked Reverend Maryre if we would be going to hell for sinning. Reverend Mayre told us that the lord forgives all trespasses if you ask him in Jesus name. I took this to mean you could do anything you wanted but to be sure to ask forgiveness.; Reverend Mayre said I was smart for a nigger and that George Washington was lucky to have me as his servant.

One Day Reverend Marye summoned me and George Washington to sit on the back steps of the church house. I am going to teach you boys how to spark trees. What is that George asked as Reverend Marye pulled out some sort of rolled leaves in a fat paper. Sparking trees is getting high boys, and when we get high we are closer to our lord in heaven. When you are really high boys sometimes you may see the face of Jesus himself! Wow I want to see the face of the lord too. Reverend Marye took a match and held it to the end of the paper. HE took a big drag off of it and told me to take a big drag then pass it over to George Washington. I took a long puff off of the funny herbs rolled up in the paper the smoke was real harsh. George took the stick from me and he took a big puff.

Reverend Marye what is this stuff called. This variety my boy is called St Peters Just Chilling and it is from an island called Jamaica. You crazy niggers are good at working on plantations and growing the magic herbs down in the Caribbean. I thought to myself I don't know what is in this St Peters just chilling but it sure does make me feel okay. George was staring at his boots now for no apparent reason. That is called being really stoned the good reverend laughed. I didn't want to laugh at Master George because I knew he could replace me at any time of his choosing and getting stoned sure beat the shit out of picking cotton. After a few puffs off the burning herb stick I could hardly feel my toes anymore. You boys have learned about one of Gods Greatest gifts the magic of Marijuana said Reverend Marye. George I think we should add this shit to our getting drunk on the porch sessions. Damned good idea Nigger John said George Washington. I knew it was a good idea. George said lets learn about horticulture and grow our own shit, that way we won't have to pay retail and we can cut the middle motherfucker out. I knew that I had a smart master. George was always good to share his whores, liquor, and Marijuana after that day. He was only seven years old then. George was the blackest motherfucking white boy I ever knew and I loved him dearly for it.

Reverend Mayre taught me and George how to go down to the seedy part of Fredericksburg and buy our own Marijuana. The seedy part of Fredericksburg was a sinful place according to Reverend Mayre; they had a tavern where young girls would show you their boobs for a small coin. We couldn't go in because we were not eighteen. Reverend Marye told George that if he hadn't been a preacher he probably would have went down to Florida and opened up a club called a go go joint. He said he thinks the Lord might have called him to do it but he was a little ahead of the times. Reverend Mayre said the Spanish girls were the best dancers to the fiddle music that blared inside because they had more natural rhythm. He knew because he had paid several of them to do something called a lap dance.

I and George Washington would hold Reverend Mayre's horse while he was in the dancing girl's tavern. He always emerged with a big shit eating grin from the tavern. It was if he had seen heaven itself inside of those walls. I peeked in the window once and I seen an Irish Girl with flaming red hair and the carpet to match below. That is what Reverend Mayre told me was a true fire crotch.

Reverend Marye told me and George Washington that when we got to be a man of the age of thirteen he would take us over to the Puerto Rican girl's house. I don't know what all went on in the Puerto Rican Girls House but there was a little Jewish guy and some really fat Italian dudes who ran it. The men of Fredericksburg would go inside and when they came out whatever those girls did to the men seemed to recharge their youth. I once asked what went on inside and Reverend Mayre told me and George that what went on in The Peurto Rican Girls House staid in the Puerto Rican Girls House. The little Jewish guy that ran the house always seemed to have the best carriages and the finest tailored clothing. He was only about five foot eight but he walked with a swagger that looked six five and three hundred pounds. I think that little bastard must have been weighted down with the roll of money his girls earned him. I wish I had not been a nigger or I would have wanted to own a house with pretty Puerto Rican girls that made every man in Fredericksburg smile. I noticed those girls got dirty looks from the ladies about town in Fredericksburg. I wondered if it was because they were good friends with their husbands. And boyfriends. Among the women those girls at the Puerto Rican house were not nearly as popular as they seemed to be with the men.

I noticed that when we sparked marijuana that I got really hungry. George had invented a small contraption that he called a smokers friend. It was made of two pieces of metal and some chicken wire. You put the Marijuana tobacco in the top of it and lit it. It made a convenient way to smoke the marijuana without a paper. The great thing was we could use it over and over to get stoned. George said he would like to start a business selling these pipes but it wouldn't be a respectful thing for a young up and coming Virginia gentleman like mother fucker to do. I think helping people get closer to the lord is a good thing but than again I am just a nigger. George was a great shoplifter. When we smoked with Reverend marye we got hungry a lot. Reverend Mayre told us it was okay to boost some food from the market but we needed to make sure we asked God to forgive us.

One day I and George Washington were down at the local market. We had sparked up what was called a bowl of some fine herb earlier that morning. It must have been some good shit because George looked over at me and said he was feeling all Elijah. He said he had felt like the Lord had taken him to heaven after the first puff of that Ganja we had sparked. Oh shit I am stoned said George Washington and I am hungry as a starving bear lets go steal us some grub Nigger John. Ok let's do this I said.

We made ourselves down to the Fredericksburg town square. In the center of the square was a chocolate shop ran by an old asshole named John. John really had a stick up his ass and besides what I hear d from Reverend Mayre was his hobby of Korean whores he only cared about money. John knew the weight of every gram of candy in his store. He had calculated down to the dollar the riches he should receive for making his candy. I guess he needed that money to buy a few hours affection of the Oriental girls he was so fond of. John was standing between me and George having us some chocolate. When you're as high as the pines on Marijuana you have got to satisfy your craving for food.

I and George Washington have smoked a big bowl of Marijuana one afternoon. We were both really stoned when George said lets go down to candy man Jays candy store. When we got down to the store we were going to distract him and steal some good shit to eat. We made our way down to the store which was called candy man jays good shit. Candy man Jay was a hateful old British bastard from London but he made the best chocolate in Virginia. George told me he would go in and knock something over. When I knock it over you grab some chocolate and run. Act like we do not know each other. It was a plan and that way we both could have some of the delicious chocolate that candy man jay made for free.

I and George went inside. What the fuck do you two want asked Candy Man Jay. We are not together said George I do not know this little nigger. George went over to where they keep the coconut balls. Umm that look good candy man jay said George.

George acted like he stumbled than he pushed the jar of coconut candy onto to the floor. With that I grabbed two of the biggest chocolate bars and started to run. I could hear footsteps behind me as I ran out the front door of the candy shop. Candy man jay might have been old but he as really quick on his feet. Like they say everything moves slower when you're high on Marijuana I just couldn't seem to get ahead fast enough. Stop that Nigger he is a thief! Shouted candy man Jay.

An old geezer who was walking down the street stuck out his cane and I tripped over it. I could feel several hands upon my shoulders. This little black bastard stole from my store said candy man jay. I could see an alarmed George Washington watching from the alley. There was nothing he could do as I was caught. An old lady said hey that kid is from Augustine Washington's Ferry Farm across the river. I know Augustine's wife. I realized I was in big trouble at this point.

The old lady said we must take him to Fairy Farm to see what must be done with this little thief. Candy Man Jay said to the gathering crowd this nigger needs to be lynched for stealing. I was soon grabbed by the local constable. He told Candy Man Jay to come with him. By this time George had left me behind as their was really nothing he could do. The constable of Fredericksburg along with Candy Man Jay loaded me into a paddy wagon. I was taken to the river and than across in a row boat. After the trip we arrived back home at ferry farm. The constable knocked on the front door and out came Augustine Washington.

Is this your nigger said the constable to Augustine Washington. Yes it is he replied. He is my son's servant. Your son? And where is he at said candy man jay. George where the hell are you? Get down here now boy screamed Augustine. With that George Washington came from the upstairs of the house to the front door. He had beaten all of us home. Hey said candy man jay you were in my store today. What the devil is going on said Augustine? With that the constable explained to Augustine that I had been caught stealing in the candy store.

George Washington did you have anything to do with the stealing at Candy Man Jays Candy shop. George looked at Augustine Directly in the eye. I cannot tell a lie father I had nothing to do with that nigger stealing today. Okay I believe you son said Augustine Washington.

There must be a punishment said the constable. Perhaps we should lynch this nigger, or maybe burn him at the stake. Candy Man Jay suggested they cut off one of my hands like would happen in some far away desert country. Augustine suggested a beating would be the best course of action.

With that I was tied to the plantation whipping post. All of the slaves had gathered around to watch me get my ass beat apple red. My hands were tied to the post and I was stripped of my shirt. The Fredericksburg Constable gave the first crack and then him and candy man jay took turns.

Old Uncle Joe said that he had another good lesson in this. George always deny you did it until the bitter end. Never ever admit you did it and demand to speak to an Attorney. You white motherfuckers got lawyers for everything. When you're guilty that's the best time to cry Lawyer now!

Each crack of the whip pealed layers of my skin. This ass whooping was not going to be forgotten. I was thinking damned I should have stole something better than a God Damned piece of chocolate for all this. I howled in pain as all the slaves watched. Poor George and Uncle Joe looked as if they wanted to help, but I was at the mercy of the whip.

After about twenty one cracks I crumbled to the ground. My ass and back was like a raw piece of beef. That will teach that little black bastard to steal. Augustine Washington gave candy man jay a few coins for the chocolate. Im proud of both of you boys tonight said Augustine. George because you ducked responsibility and blamed your nigger, and you nigger John for being a stand up guy and taking the blame for all of it. Remember a good soldier never talks to the cops for any reason boys. Fuck those law enforcement mother fuckers this some gangster shit right up in Ferry Farm. Augustine and Old Uncle Joe left with that to go get drunk on the big front porch.

Thanks Nigger John for taking the blame. I am really sorry you got your ass beat. I will never ever beat a man when I am The Big Master. This was true George Washington was the kindest motherfucker a nigga ever knew throughout his life. Being his nigger was the best job a black bastard could have in the entire state of Virginia.

George we got to pay that asshole Candy Man Jay back. Let's get that donut eating constable to. With that we decided to get revenge. George came up with the plan to burn the police station down while the constable was sleeping. We snuck away from ferry farm the next week late at night. It took a week for me to be able to walk after getting my ass striped red by the constable and the candy man.

We snuck into Fredericksburg late at night. The constable was always asleep after twelve. I and George stole some flammable oil from the lamps at the plantation. Lets deep fry this mother fucker said George as he poured the oil onto the side of the constables house. I learned that day that Nigger John and George Washington are two mother fuckers you don't want pissed at you. We watched from the other end of the street as the Constables house was engulfed fully in flames. We heard screams as he tried to get out. As the fire grew it was obvious there was no escape. The fire must have felt like the crack of the whip as I heard the screams of the constable's wife and Children. The entire family died in the blaze. Those were the first murders that I and George did together; they were the first of many to come but I didn't know it at the time. As we watched the house burn George turned and said now that's gangster.

The next day we went to school. The village crier stood on the corner. He rang his bell and proclaimed here ye! Here ye! Here Ye! Last night the constable of Fredericksburg burnt to a fucking crisp. He is one toasty motherfucker. Here Ye! Here Ye!

I and George laughed about what we had done to that bastard the constable. George said it was ashamed the kids and wife had to go out but they were something called collateral damage. George was always using those slick military terms that I didn't understand what they meant. I wondered if Augustine and Old Joe had ever killed some people for being disrespectful like me and George had done. I bet that they had done it at one time or another. I know if someone got in their liquor stash that was in the study that person would be taking their life in their own hands

As we made our way to school we saw Candy Man Jay going into one of the town shitters. There were shitters behind most of the businesses in town. We snuck up on the outhouse that Candy Man Jay was sitting in. We heard grunts and groans coming from the Shitter. It sounded as if Candy Man Jay was giving birth inside. George began to creep around to the back. I followed at stealth so as not to alert Candy Man Jay.

When we got to the back of the shithouse George began to push. I leaned in and pushed with all my might. Suddenly the shitter turned completely over. The Outhouse landed on its front door trapping Candy Man Jay inside. Candy Man Jay screamed what the hell? Somebody Help me please! Candy Man Jay could not get out of the outhouse. Sewer began to pour from ever crack of the wooden outhouse.

The Stench of the sewer was terrible. Candy Man Jay thrashed around inside the outhouse. I and George retreated to a line of trees where we could not be seen. Sewer water pulled around the wooden structure. After about an hour as we giggled behind the trees a man came along to help the trapped Candy Man Jay. Help I am up to my eyeballs in piss and shit!

The fellow who happened along went and found some other men in the streets of Fredericksburg. The men were able to upright the outhouse so that Candy Man Jay could get out. Candy Man Jay vomited as he came out and so did several onlookers after they got a whiff of him. Someone pushed over the outhouse while I was in it said Candy Man Jay. He was really pissed off which made what we had done well worth it. We got that bastard said George. With that we went off to school.

One day Augustine presented me and George with shiny new hatchets. Augustine wanted us to clear some small trees on the side of the house where he intended to build a new barn. When we got out to the side of the house George said look how sharp my axe is and he began to take whacks to a small cherry tree. George you dumbass I said that is your fathers favorite cherry tree. Uh Oh said George we done fucked up on this one.

The next morning at breakfast Augustine Washington stomped into the dining room. Why the hell did you little dumb asses fuck up my favorite cherry tree with those hatchets? George stood up and turned to Augustine. Father I cannot tell a lie, the nigger did it! With that I found myself on the wrong end of Augustine Washington's belt getting my ass beat. After I got the ass whooping George said Good Job taking the fall Nigger John.

One year on Christmas Eve I and George were upstairs in George's chamber smoking a bowl of some fine herb. We were getting really fucked up to celebrate Jesus birthday in style. We had pounded a few glasses of beer and now were getting our smoke on.

After lighting up the bowl George tossed the matches into the waste can. Suddenly the contents of the waste paper can exploded. The fire climbed up the wall and spread to the curtain. We were both barely sober enough to stand up. Lets get out of here I said. Oh shit run said George Washington.

George Washington frantically shouted Fire! Fire! As we ran down the steps of the house. An alarmed Augustine and Mary roused from their bed and ran into the front yard. Soon a fire brigade

Was made from the well to the house l by all of the slaves. It was too late as the house was engulfed in flames within minutes. I had a bad feeling my ass was going to be burning next for sitting the house of fire but George said he seen lightning in the distance. Lightning must have hit the roof said Alexander Washington or maybe a spark from the coal in the living room fireplace. A stoned George Washington said yes father that must have been what happened.

As the sun rose it was obvious that the house was a total loss. I had burned down the house on accident because I was too stoned to put out the matches. Never ever throw a lit match into a trash can I thought to myself. The Washington's house was ruined. Augustine decided to move a few of the field niggers into the barn and the family took over their slave cottage. Work was started immediately on a new house. By the time spring came around the new house was ready and the field niggers got their shack back. The family moved into the new mansion. It was bigger and better than the one before. George had a great new room with is own study attached. He had begun to study map making. His father had suggested it would be a good trade so he would know the best locations to open up go go bars or adult bookstores. Augustine also suggested the Military or Politics for old honest George.

Mary and Augustine hardly spoke anymore as she had found out that Augustine was what is called in polite circles a whore connoisseur. Augustine had visited most of the whore houses up and down the king's colonies. He was such a good customer that the girls were acquainted with him on a first name basis. I think if he had not been a planter Augustine really would have liked to be a pimp.

George Washington said wow we fucked up that time Nigger John. I liked how everything was together now. When we got caught doing wrong I understood that I was the fall guy because George was my big master. George was not as racist as the other white folks. He always treated the slaves fairly. I think it was because he grew up around us and seen us more as friends than property. With the exception of Old Uncle Joe his father used the women for their bodies and the men to make him more money,.

One day Master Augustine became ill. I had heard moaning and groaning as I passed the shit house earlier in the day. Damned my piss feels like a river of fire. Damned it feels like I am pissing razor blades. It seemed that Augustine had some ailment of the balls. Mrs Washington told him that's what you get you dirty old bastard for fucking those low life whores.

Augustine Washington had come down with some illness called venereal disease. I do not know how he got it but he became so ill that a doctor from Fredericksburg was summoned. Soon members of the Washington family were summoned to his bedside. He asked to see me and he told me to be a good boy and serve George Washington well. I promised to always be a good servant to George. Later that night as we stood around his bed he said damned my dick hurts he looked straight up and passed from this world. Whatever those whores had given Augustine killed him. I decided than and their to be careful which whore I picked when I was old enough to go to the whore house. I was going to only pick a plump, clean looking, Irish girl.

George had a half brother named Lawrence. He had been educated in England. He came to both of us one day and said we would be joining him on some of his travels. He kind of became the big master of the plantation. Poor Old Uncle Joe was heartbroken at the death of his drinking buddy and friend. Joe had been to the whore houses but because he never picked those skinny, disease filled Asian girls like Augustine usually selected he had been spared death from Venereal Disease. Old Joe became a servant to Lawrence. He was too damned old to be of much good so Lawrence let him sit on the porch and drink most of the time. Old Uncle Joe never protested much about his lack of responsibility in his golden years.

We Began to Refer to Lawrence as Big Master. He was a good man and him and George got along well. Lawrence had married into the really wealthy Fairfax family. George hoped to marry one of the Fairfax's someday as well. Lawrence told us that if you cannot make it just fake it.

Lawrence was full of lessons. One day he took me and George into the countryside. Lawrence was so fair that sometimes I forgot I was a nigger. Lawrence was a soldier in the British royal army. Sometimes he let me and George take target practice on the local native Indians. There was nothing like shooting a brave in the ass on a Sunday afternoon. We would spend hours in the forest drinking and of course smoking dope. When we got really messed up we rained down musket fire on native American children and the elderly. Lawrence said he was teaching us to be men.

Lawrence had been educated in England. He knew all kinds of things. One day he decided to open up a drive through on the farm. You could ride through the barn on your horse and purchase home grown Marijuana as well as something called Moonshine. The Indians liked this clear liquid a lot and were loyal customers. Lawrence would have to chase away the ones who had no coins and wanted to pay with useless beaver skins or fur. The local Virginia Indians would sometimes trade something they called Magic Mushrooms for some moonshine. Lawrence promised he would teach me and George Washington about these strange fruits when we were a little older.

Lawrence had a good wife named Anne. She was from the Fairfax family. Lawrence could use her money to by all the finer things in life like whores, drugs ,and Liquor. Lawrence told George Washington that those were the three things that God gave men to keep their sanity. Lawrence Washington would hold large dances in the new plantation house. I was allowed to attend so I could fetch drinks for Lawrence and George. The Washington boys always made sure to take care of me and let me drink as much of the liquor or have as much of the dope as I could handle. I understood that if the constable was to show up and there was some underage drinking and doping going on I would have to be a good nigger and take the fall for it. Lawrence even stopped calling me Nigger John and started calling me The Fall Guy. I liked this name much better than being called a Nigger.

George Washington started calling me Fall Guy as well. He said he did not really believe in Slavery but he would have to keep pimping us because that's what made a motherfucker some bank. Getting your bank on was really important to the Washington boys. I understood this and no further explanation was needed.

One Day Anne Washington introduced me to something called Opium. Anne liked to go out behind the slave quarters and smoke this stuff. She taught me about a seedy corner down in Fredericksburg that you go to and buy it. Anne would give me the money and a little white boy would come out of a Chinese store front and hand you the stuff in a brown bag. I asked the Chinese man why I always had to go through the little white boy on the corner. Ahh young chocolate boy wholesale never sell retail! I didn't understand at the time what this meant. I walked away with Anne's drugs thinking that those damned oriental mother fuckers was smart.

I would go down and buy Anne her opium and sometimes she would flash her boobs in return for the service after she has smoked it. One day I suggested to George Washington that we go down and buy some of this new stuff. We went down to the China guys shop and bought some of his best opium. He had a place in back of the store where we could smoke it. There were always a lot of people who honestly looked dirty that were laying all over the floors. We would smoke the opium and then crash on the floor. It beat the hell out of going to school. We could cut class because Reverend Mayre didn't give a shit anyhow. He would only have been mad that we did not invite him to the Opium den. I told George that Anne showed me her very fine breasts and he said you better not say anything about it to Lawrence or I could be sold to another plantation. I took Georges advice and kept my mouth shut about Anne's little peep show.

Lawrence decided to teach George the fine art of manners and Speaking. The key to it all said Lawrence was you got to bullshit if you do not know what you are talking about. Be careful of those damned lawyers because they have the ability to both bullshit and cut through it like a sharp saber. George if you learn to bullshit with the best of them you may end up a Royal Governor.

Lawrence spent many hours teaching George Washington about land surveying. Lawrence told George this was useful information so that he would know where to grow the best dope in Virginia. George was becoming a skilled marijuana farmer and a great surveyor of the land.

Anne was very good to allow Lawrence and George to get drunk on the porch. We would drink beer until we spilled all of the contents of our stomach over the porch railing. Anne was stoned out of her mind on opium but I didn't tell anyone. She would leave us alone and let us have a party on the big porch. Often Old Uncle Joe would join us and get drunk too.

George you are becoming a man now that you are twelve years old. I believe it is time that you learn about society so that you can be a big master some day on your own plantation. Wow Fall Guy John when we have a plantation we can supply all of the colonies with the finest dope, George said to me. I could picture us being the Marijuana king pens of Virginia.

Lawrence would take George to Anne's family house down the river. The Fairfax family were richer than shit. Mr. Fairfax had gold plated wagon wheels. He only got them out of the barn for special occasions like a Fredericksburg Village Parade. Lawrence told us that Mr. Fairfax was involved with East Coast Syndicates in New York and no one knew the orgins of his wealth.

Lawrence would allow George Washington and myself to accompany him to the Fairfax mansion at Belvoir. Belvoir was a splendid estate far superior to any other in Virginia. Lawrence informed myself and George that this was part of the reason he married Anne. Someday all this shit would be his and then we would have an even bigger selection of slave girls to molest and a bigger porch to get drunk and throw up on.

Me and George met Anne's dad Colonel Fairfax and his friend and relative Lord Thomas Fairfax. We would often accompany them to go fox hunting. It was my job as personal nigger to crawl into the high weeds and retrieve whatever they had shot. I was glad to do it as it was better than working in the fields. Lord Thomas would often bring a jug of fine whiskey from England to share. One day as I was crawling in the poison ivy to retrieve a fox that George and Lawrence had shot the Colonel nearly peppered me in the ass with his shotgun. It seems he had a bit to many sips of the Scotch Whiskey. The buckshot barely missed the back of my ass and hit a tree. Alcohol and Shotguns do not go together declared George Washington. I thought this was a damned good lesson.

We spent a lot of time at the Fairfax house of Belvoir. One day back home at our own plantation Georges mother came out of her quarters with her cane. She started striking George Washington with the cane. She told him he would grow up to be an old philanderer and a general no account just like his father. After George Washington took the caning he told his mother that he could only hope to have as much fun as his father did throughout his life. Mary Washington was a cold and distant woman. Anne seemed to get along better with her than any of the other family members.

Anne had a sister in law named Sally. Sally was very beautiful and sophisticated. She spoke very well and knew that fine art of something called break dancing. George Washington had taken a liking to Sally. Lawrence said that he did not have a chance with her. In the social latter of white people Sally was a few notches above the Washington's. Lawrence told George that for guys like you and me we have to pay for the company of Women like that. This seemed okay to me that way they would go away after you had sex with them. Lawrence sure was a smart big master of the plantation.

Sally taught George Washington the customs of how to navigate in the society of important people. She told George to find out who was the most important person in the room, than ask them where thy got their shoes if you could not think of anything else to say. Sally was very good at dancing and the art of conversation. Sally taught George Washington a lot at his time at Belvoir. Colonel Fairfax would allow George Washington to borrow from his library.

Most of the time George Washington would not read the books from Colonel Fairfax. He would have me the ever dutiful nigger read them and write a short summary. I did not mind reading the books as it was my duty to do whatever George Washington told me. From my short book summaries George had become an expert in the art of conversation and surveying..

In 1748 Colonel Fairfax and James Genn who was a surveyor for Prince William County decided to go out into the Virginia wilderness. The purpose of the trip was to survey some land. By this time Lawrence was away much of the time on Government business. Colonel Fairfax had helped him get important posts to help him out. Colonel Fairfax decided to take Myself and George Washington on his expeditions into the wilderness.

A t night time Colonel Fairfax would build a large campfire. We would sit around it and listen to his stories of the French Brothels. It sounded like Paris was like entering the Gates Of St Peters. Colonel Fairfax said the French Girls would do almost anything when they got a few shots of rum in them. I could not wait to go to Paris with George and explore The French whore houses. I thought how great it was that a man could pay women of all nationalities to be his friend for an hour or two. It sounded as though a well traveled, aristocratic man like Colonel Fairfax had done a lot to improve international relations. Boys I tell ya this life isn't nothing but Pussy and Money was one of the Colonels favorite sayings. If I was a white man I would want to be just like Colonel Fairfax when I was a man,

George Washington and Myself would climb up on a cliff top so that George could look through the surveying equipment. I would usually take a few hits from the peace pipe while he did the boring stuff and then carry the equipment back down the hill for him. I was getting ready to light up the pipe when off in the distance I seen dust gathering in a cloud. We heard the rumble of horses approaching.

Out of nowhere a cloud of Indians on horseback surrounded our party. We tried to circle our wagons but there was just too many Indians. A large Indian on the back of a beautiful white stallion wore a bright head dress. I wondered what he said. One of the slaves in Colonel Fairfax wagons spoke some Indian. He said it translated as capture those fucking pale faces and bring them to camp so we can slowly cook them.

I was really frightened of what the Indians were going to do to us. I sat tied with my hands bound to George Washington. We were both tied to a tree. The Indians were doing dances in preparation for what looked to be some type of ceremony. Colonel Fairfax told the slave who could speak Indian to have the one who appeared to be the chief come closer.

Colonel Fairfax told the Chief to try some of the scotch that was in one of the bottles on his captured wagon. The Indian took a big swallow and than he said something which Colonel Fairfax slave interpreted as This Shit Is good.

Colonel Washington Told the chief that he owned a ship which brought and endless supply of the good fire water from Scotland. He would allow the Chief to have several barrels a month if he would allow a few of us to go. He said that you chief can keep the dark meat and cook them. Just allow us whites to go free. With that the Chief decided he would trade the whites lives for some good scotch.

One of the braves cut George and Colonel Fairfax free. Colonel Fairfax you must save my servant as he is a good friend. I have a bag of fine Marijuana I will trade for his life. The chief was well acquainted with Marijuana which the Indians called Vegetable Head. The Chief opened up the bag that George Washington had offered him and said Damned that shit is Dank!

That day George Washington proved to be a fine man as he traded his bag of Marijuana for my life. We watched as the other slaves were burned at the stake and then put onto something called shish kabobs. We heard their cries as they roasted over the large open pit fires. The Chief offered for the Whites and Myself to stay but we had lost our appetites by this point in the evening.

George Washington had thought enough to save the maps of the area we had drawn. When he was getting the bag of marijuana out of the wagon to give to the chief he took the book that had the hand drawn sketches in it. Colonel Fairfax was most pleased with this and he told us we would get a barrel of the finest scotch.

When we arrived back at Belvoir we were most eager for a good safe nights rest. The next morning the Indians arrived. Out of the trees came several lines of British Red Coats with their rifles pointed at the Indians. All of the Indians were immediately captured. Before he had retired for the evening Colonel Fairfax had send word to the local commander of the British forces.

What is this said the Indian Chief I thought we had a deal. You dumbass said Colonel Fairfax. Did you not know and Indian should never trust a white man. With that Colonel Fairfax sent for Reverend Mayre. Reverend Mayre gave the Indians a chance to convert to believing in Jesus. What will happen to these Indians asked George Washington. Well said Colonel Fairfax they destroyed several of my slaves and that cost me some serious coin. The British soldiers drew their bayonets and began hacking the poor Indians to pieces. After they were chopped up in fine pieces Colonel Fairfax fed the bloody remains to his Hogs.

Colonel Fairfax told George Washington that Scotch was really good whiskey. Never ever share you Scotch with lesser mortals. Only a wise man shares his bottle of fine Scotch with a good friend. When Colonel Washington was away inspecting his fields George Washington stole a bottle of Scotch and he shared it with me back home. Wow that rich old bastard really saved our ass Fall Guy.

It came to pass that when old Augustine kicked the can on down the eternal highway there was no money for George to go to England and be educated. It was decided by both George Washington and Colonel Washington that he should go t a little shit hole of a town called Williamsburg. He was going to learn some stuff about surveying and I would be accompanying him. He was told that their was a really good whore house called Britney's pad near campus.

When George Washington moved to Williamsburg, Virginia we moved into a small house in the village. Fall Guy we are going to party our asses off and burn this bitch down, George told me on the day we moved into the small brick house. George was studying surveying over at the college, while I spent most afternoons getting high in the cottage by myself.

Slaves had to wait outside of the school. For their masters to come out. I would either stay home or I would stand outside of the window. On Exam days George would bring a small telescope that he could fit in his pocket. The professors were never in the room so I would stand behind a tree with large cards of answers written on them. Me and George Washington developed a system of hand signals so that I would know which flash card to hold up. I would hold up the card that George needed to see with the answer to the test question on it. George Washington had the highest average in surveying school.

On Weekends Me And George would return to the Plantation. Sometimes we would go over to Belvoir and visit Colonel Fairfax. He always was glad to host George Washington. George would spend much of his time with Sally. I always wondered if Colonel Fairfax was worried about George spending so much time with is daughter. One day I asked him sir aren't you afraid that my master is going to try to get in your daughters knickers? No Nigger John not at all he said. George is punching above his weight with her, and he is going to have to settle for a plumper someday. You cannot be a baller on a budget my boy.

George did learn lots of customs and manners from Sally. I could tell he wished the relationship would develop further but George just didn't have a chance with her. One day back at the plantation Anne had gotten whacked out of her skull on opium. Boys I have a surprise for you both she said. George Washington you cannot go to College a virgin now can you. We were hoping to get to run a tag team on Anne but it was not to be. She informed us she had a surprise for us later that evening.

After drinking her fathers fine Scotch and smoking several big bowls of dope Anne told George Washington to go to his quarters. You go with him Nigger John its time for you to become a man. When we got up to George Washington's room George said The lord is good and works in mysterious ways Oh thank the heavens that Anne is going to I think tickle our pickles. With that we heard loud footsteps coming up the stairs.

When the door opened standing completely butt naked in front of us was big mama. Big Mama was the house cook. My mistress told me to show you boys a good time and I'm here to teach you boys about the birds and bees. I could feel my dinner coming up through my throat at the site of big mamas tree trunk sized legs. Big mama probably weighted in around four hundred pounds. I began to gag and ran toward the window. I lost all of the Scotch and whatever else was contained in my stomach. Take your pants off George. George did as Big Mama told him but he seemed to be doing it more out of fear that she would sit on him than any carnal desire.

I was very sick at the site of Big Mama. Big Mama demanded that we both undress. She threw George on the bed, She then straddled atop him. Poor George looked like Jonah and the Whale. George closed his eyes as big mama bobbed up and down on his member. it's a good thing they were not on the bed but the floor, I am quite sure Big Mama would have busted the frame. George let out a large moan and it appeared that Big Mama had fulfilled her duty. Big mama rose from the much smaller frame of George Washington and told me to get over here. I obeyed big mama more out of fear than anything else. She grabbed my hips and guided my half limp cock into her womanhood. After a few seconds I felt a great stir in my loins. Big Mama smelled like the fish that the slaves cut behind the quarters. It was not the most pleasant so I closed my eyes and pretended that instead of Big Mama she was some future alien woman named Beyonce. This gave me much greater pleasure and before I knew it I had a volcanic eruption from my penis.

Okay now you boys have lost your virginity said Big Mama. You can at least thank a bitch for what she did for you. I did not think that this was my dream sexual encounter but George thanked Big Mama out of politeness and I did to. When Big Mama left George said Wow that was interesting! We had lost our virginity to a four hundred pound housekeeper. I realized then that sex with French girls that are hired guns is much better than a sex life filled with plumper's like Big Mama. George lets always respect those go girls and the whores at the houses of the colonies.. Without them all we would have were the big mamas of the world, and to tell you the truth I would rather become a priest.

After the weekend we had to travel back to Williamsburg. We had moved in to a small brick cottage. George Washington missed his half brother now that he was away on politics. Being a surveyor was good job and it was going to pay George a lot of money. One night George said we got jipped on that fat bitch Big Mama lets go out and find some better quality ass. With that we made our way down to the seedy part of Williamsburg, Virginia.

I do not recall the way that we found the seediest parts of town to hang out in. It was just something that George Washington had an eye for. We made our way down to the bad part of Williamsburg to an establishment called Britney's basement of delight. Britney was a small German girl with large fun bags that George seemed to enjoy. I enjoyed the company of her younger side kick who was called Pairs. Paris was a delightful whore but Britney was the queen bee. Me and George Washington were such good customers that we received a shiny card that was called V.I.P.

Britney went by the full name of Britney Monroe's. She had turned her house that she lived in at the time to a full brothel. It must have been the finest Brothel on the Eastern sea board. The house had fine red velvet curtains. She had the finest pictures of dogs playing cards above every mantle. In the basement was the business room. Britney would take her customers to the basement of her house to service their organs. I had my organ serviced many a time with Paris and Britney.

On one fine fall weekend before returning to college Colonel Fairfax asked us to come over to Belvoir. When we got to the plantation Colonel Fairfax told us to come sit on the porch. Two glasses of the finest scotch were poured for George Washington and Colonel Fairfax. Colonel Fairfax said because I was a nigger I would have to drink well liquor from the bottom shelf. A glass of the cheapest and strongest vodka was poured for me.

Boys I am getting to be a man of later years now. I have something that I feel is very important. George Washington my boy I feel as you might go far in this old world. Here are some things I have learned. Always duck responsibility and blame something else when it is your fault. When it is necessary and the truth is not convenient than just make up a lie. Boys always treat whores kindly for the men of this world they make it a much happier place. Oh and never smoke crack, lines are better.

We thought the Colonel was a wise man indeed. I sometimes got a little pissed that he was always calling me a nigger but that was my lot in life. I don't think he was so much a racist cracker as it was just the tradition of Old Virginia. Colonel Fairfax was very much a man of tradition.

George Washington and I would travel far into the Virginia outback to take land surveys. We were very careful to avoid the roaming bands of Indians. After being captured and almost roasted alive we did not want to ever repeat that experience. From time to time we would have to duck behind a tree or hide in a cave to avoid the braves on the trails.

George Washington had a big exam coming up in the Spring of 1749. If George passed the exam we would be able to visit the whore houses up and down the coast to celebrate. George also said we would switch from cheap booze to the premium stuff. Fall Guy we have to pass this fucker come rain or shine. George studied as much as he could but between visiting Britney's Whore house and drinking our asses off at the tavern it was hard to find time. A man has to have priorities in this life was a saying that George took to heart.

The big exam was rapidly approaching. Master George sir I have an Idea I said. Lets cut thin strips of paper and roll them in circles like a ball of yarn. You can stick the tape down your underwear and pull out a little at a time to reveal the exam answers, Damned good plan Fall guy declared George Washington.

On the exam day I had to wait outside. George Washington went in with the rolls of answers in his underwear. He was able to do just as I said and unwind the answers to reveal the answers to the surveying exam. George passed the exam with the highest grade in Virginia. George was now officially a land surveyor.

George Washington had received a letter from Lawrence. Lawrence Washington had strong ties to the Government and he had gotten in on a land deal. The British had come up with something called mobile home parks. It was a new idea. The British would place these parks of land out on the frontier. I did not understand this business but George Washington said their would be a butt load of money involved in it if Lawrence could get the deal done.

Lawrence had assembled a new group. The group was to be called the Ohio Company. Ohio territory was way, way, out from Virginia. The Indians in Virginia were crazy but George Washington said that the Ohio territory and Pennsylvania Indians were whacked out of their skull nuts. He said you don't want to fuck with those crazy frontier motherfuckers.

Lawrence formed the Ohio Company with his friends. Most of his friends were important people back in England. They knew that they could make a lot of money developing these new mobile wagon wheel homes. The problem was the damned French. The French did not like the British and apparently they wanted to open up a chain of whore houses in the territories. The French had been smart and recruited the Indians to help out. I think George Washington told me that The French had bribed them with their cheapest table wine. If I were the Indians I would have held out for the finest British Scotch. Lawrence said real men drink Whiskey and Wine is for the Bitches.

Lawrence made arrangements for George Washington to meet with the Royal Governor Of Virginia Robert Dinwiddle. Me and George Washington went down to Government square in Williamsburg. Governor Dinwiddle lived in a splendid palace. No taxpayer funds were spared for his great palace.

We were shown into the Governors Mansion. This is my friend and servant John said George Washington. Wherever I go he always travels with me. I was allowed into the office of The Royal Governor because George had vouched for me as his servant.

Governor Dinwiddle showed us into his office. Please sit down Mr. Washington said Governor Dinwiddle. I had to of course like always stand but I was not bitter toward the Governor for this. Mr. Washington I would like you to join the Army. To hell with that said George I am no sucker that's going to get capped over some shit talking politicians. Man fuck the war and the Army declared George.

No my boy you do not understand, You are going to be an officer. If you're an officer you can be back in the back away from the bloodshed. If you join our royal Army you can have wagons of the best scotch for you and your men. I want to know declared George what would my rank be. Well said The Royal Governor you can be a Major. People will have to call you sir from then on. George liked the idea of being a Major in the British Army. Would you be able to throw in a wagon full of whores with the deal. Yes I would gladly supply those conveniences plus a big salary for you said the Governor. Well sir! You have yourself a new officer in your Army said George.

George Washington had the task to assemble some troops for his Army. Governor Dinwiddle ordered the debtors prison emptied and drafted into Georges new regiment.. George got a really cool uniform with inside pockets for hiding a pint of Scotch one one side and a bag of Marijuana plus the smoking tools on the other. He had a long steel sword and a musket pistol. Because George Washington was a major he could shoot any man for any reason. Fall Guy as my best assistant feel free to smoke any dumbass you please. I know you cannot give any orders but just tell me and the shit is done.

The jails were emptied with the condition that the prisoner join the British Army. The Governor had collected plenty of troops from the jails of Virginia. He has sent a wagon full of fat girls to be the whores for the new regiment. He always kept the best Irish girls for himself and only gave away the plumper's from Birmingham or the bad areas of London. George said that they were users not keepers, and that when you have been out in the wilderness long enough any woman looks fine.

The men were not told what exactly they would be doing in the British Army. The only thing they knew was either stay in jail forever or be shot by Major George Washington if they failed to obey his orders. When each man was told that they would be marching through the woods but would each receive a pint of Scotch per evening they gladly agreed to follow George Washington's orders.

With the Wagon full of plump whores and the wagons of Scotch we left the civilized town of Williamsburg for the far outback of Virginia Territory. The Army marched across Maryland into the Pennsylvania Territory. On the way we were told to stop in Philadelphia. We met a crazy old coot named Ben Franklin. He was always trying to play with lightning. This seemed like madness to me because that shit shocks a brother dead. Ben was a nice man though and he wanted George to outfit his men with Bow and Arrows instead of Guns. This seemed crazy to me and I let George Washington know that this guy was a little short of a full nest.

Ben Franklin supplied several wagon loads of material for the expedition. He supplied the men with boots and gunpowder The Forces under Major Washington set about marching across Pennsylvania. Major Washington was sent to an area known as Pittsburgh to build a new fort. George Washington did not like Pittsburgh he said he was more of a Bengal's guy. This was all crazy white folks talk to me and I didn't get it.

We were coming up through the backwoods of Pennsylvania. We were approached by some Indians. Hey brothers said George Washington I will give you some Marijuana joints if you tell me where the French are. For the big cigars that George was willing to trade the Indians gave up the information. The Indians sold out the French for two big stogies.

The Pennsylvania Indians reported that the French were just through the woods. They were playing a new game called Beer Pong. George Washington thanked the Indians and gave them a jug full of fine Scotch. Major Washington ordered the men to attach bayonets. The English army soldiers moved stealth like through the thick and dense woods. Within about a mile we came upon the French position.

The French were throwing a small ball on a table into a cup of Beer. When the person would miss they had to drink the cup of what looked to be beer. Attack said Major Washington. The English soldiers fired one volley after another into the French soldiers. They then rushed the French with Bayonets. The English soldiers stabbed the wounded French men to death. One small boy said I surrender from the French side.

Fall Guy this is take no prisoners said George Washington. He handed me his knife and I knew what must be done. Hey Bernard come over here I said. I handed Bernard my knife. Bernard was the old drunk of the Army. You go slit that boys throat and I will give you some extra fine Scotch. Okay said Bernard, With that he sliced the boys neck and a river of blood poured forth. I had remembered the lesson from the great Colonel Fairfax of always ducking responsibility. I let someone else get their hands bloody so that I don't have to.

After the smoke from the battle cleared I was watching the boy choke to death on his own blood. Old crazy Bernard the drunk was poking a twig in the new windpipe he had made the French boy and laughing. George Washington had been leading us from behind a large Oak Tree. I would shout his commands to the regular men who George sometimes referred to as cannon fodder. We had lost a few men but the French had been massacred. I looked through the pockets of the dead French soldiers and found some coins as well as pornographic drawings of Parisian girls. Wow I really wanted to go to Paris I thought.

George Washington dispatched and Indian scout with a letter to Philadelphia. He was to take it to the British commander. George greatly exaggerated the number of French dead and he said that the French tried to do a cowardly ambush on his position. George Washington had learned the truth was an ever changing thing and I think his Father was smiling down from Heaven.

When all of the French were killed George Washington ordered his soldiers to begin constructing a new fort. The men cut logs from huge trees to put up the walls of the new fort. A few weeks went by and the fort was nearing completion. Me and George stayed inside his large tent most of the time to avoid the mosquitoes and bugs.

As the last wall of the fort was being raised there was a loud beating of drums coming from the woods. A huge Army of French Soldiers surrounded our position on all sides. Oh Shit said Major George Washington. I think we might be fucked here fall guy.

The French Commander rode forward toward our line with a white flag of peace. Go ahead and surrender now you British bastards he said. I said to George Washington this looks like a nigger at a Nazi rally we better get the hell out of dodge.

George Washington being a wise commander knew that he had no chance in this battle. The French had large cannon and at least twenty five hundred soldiers who looked very battle hardened. Okay Frenchman I will surrender on one condition. I want a loaf of your finest French bread for me and my aid. We were soon captives in the French Generals tent. The regular soldiers were put into chains and stripped of their weapons. Me and George Washington sat eating a loaf of fine French bread. We guzzled one glass of wine after another and listened as the French General told us of a wonderful town called Monte Carlo. He told us it was better than even Paris. George we have got to get over their at some point I said.

George was a captive of the French General. George Washington discussed the finer points of Marijuana and Scotch with the General. George Washington told him of his connections to Colonel Fairfax.

George Washington told him of the fine Scotch that he had access to. The French General asked if George would be able to ship cases to France. Why yes I could do that said Major Washington if you release me and my soldiers. The French General said this war was all bullshit and he was getting ready to retire anyhow. After the details of shipping were worked out The General let our party go. Before long the now armless British Army of Major Washington was marching down the roads in which we had came.

George are you really going to give him that Scotch I said. Oh hell to the no on that Fall Guy. George had told a whopper of a tale to get us out of captivity. A man never gives up his supply of Scotch for anything Said Major Washington. I was just Bullshitting that French fucker to get him to let us go. We got what we wanted and were keeping the Scotch fall guy.

We Returned to Williamsburg with most of the men we started out with and no weapons. It was not long before we were summoned and George Washington gave a full report to Governor Dinwiddle. Governor Dinwiddle asked George to go to Maryland to join the Army of a British General Braddock.

Within a week we were marching to Maryland. When we got their we met General Braddock. General Braddock wanted George to be his aide de campe because George Washington knew a lot about the frontier country. Major George Washington gladly agreed to assist General Braddock. I guess you can bring your nigger to said General Braddock.

Traveling with the General was good. He had plenty of Scotch. He did not approve of smoking Marijuana so George Washington and myself had to sneak to the back of the Army camp. General Braddock was cutting a road across Pennsylvania. In order to get some supplies we had to stop by Philadelphia and see that crazy old fool Benjamin Franklin.

Boys I have a great new invention. Ben brought out a small glass pipe with a rock in it. He then took a burning candle and held it to the end. The rock began to smoke and the vapor was drawn up into the mouth piece. George took a big puff and his face turned bright red. Woo! Shouted George Washington Now That's The Shit!

Mr. Franklin what the hell is that stuff. That's Doctor Franklin to you nigger he said. The stuff is called crack and I got a feeling its going to be big. The powder comes from South America and then I add some things to make it into a rock. The Women down in the seedy part of Philadelphia seem to love it. I think this could be the next biggest thing since the tea leaf. Do you boys care to invest. George Washington immediately took out his coin purse and gave most of his gold to Dr Franklin. Dr Franklin was going to open up a science lab in downtown Philadelphia to make the new crack.

After we got several bags of the crack Dr Franklin we had to go back to the Army camp. General Braddock had received several loads of gun powder, and rifles that Dr Franklin had provided. Dr Franklin was good at raising money from all of the important people around Philadelphia society. General Braddock had decided to build a road through the forest of Pennsylvania.

We set out with a large number of men. Me and George mostly stayed in the tent drinking Scotch, smoking joints, and playing cards. The regular enlisted men and other slaves had the task of cutting brush and making a road through the forest. George Washington, myself, and a scouting party ran through the forest of Pennsylvania so that we were far ahead of the rest of the Army.

Our job was to try and recruit the local Indians to join The British side. The problem was that the French in most cases had already gotten to their chiefs. The French gave them those great pastries plus their damned Wine. To the French Wine was like Scotch to a Scotsman, they never ran out. If they did a national crisis would be declared. The Indian Chiefs sold out easily for any type of booze. The French were giving them common table wine that probably would have been poured out otherwise. The Indians gladly accepted the alcohol to join their side of the conflict. We tried hard but The Indians were already in the barrel for the French side.

After our mission failed we rode back to the regular Army. The British enlisted men were trying to hall the Wagons across the Mountains of Pennsylvania. We made our contribution to the effort by drinking rounds of Scotch and cheering them on. Yea push that wagon men Major Washington would yell loudly. It was hard to tell their reaction to the encouragement from the sweat that ran precipitously from their foreheads. I am not sure the cannon fodder men appreciated the great command they were under by the British officers.

A courier brought a large satchel of the new crack from Ben Franklin. Doctor Franklin had been kind enough to include two smoking pipes. Me and George would have plenty of this new wonder medicine for the rest of the trip. When it arrived the courier handed it to me. I took it immediately to George Washington's tent. Shit my nigger we is golden up in this peace! Exclaimed George Washington.

In the Army we had a large group of diverse men. There was one crazy guy calling himself Danny Boone. he was always playing with knives. One time he told one of the enlisted men to put their fingers on a board. He slammed the knife down between the fingers of the soldier. See I never hit a finger and look how fast I can do it. With the increasing speed Boone lost control of his knife and it sliced off the finger of the English soldiers finger. Oh Shit can I get a Reset said Daniel Boone.

General Braddock had decided that the building of the road was just taking to long to complete. This shit is not Kosher said General Braddock, I am going to split the force. General Braddock split his force into two parts. Me and Major Washington were part of the attack force. The other half would continue to build the road across Pennsylvania.

We traveled across Pennsylvania for an attack on a place called Fort Duquesne. The French would have a large position there. General Braddock said that it was the key to controlling the Western Territories. The men in our force were ordered to drink no Alcohol or smoke any Ganja. Me and George Washington of course obeyed this order. We had the big bag of crack to share in the tent at night. General Braddock tried some of it and he said I can fly my boys! I can fly!

After about a week of hard traveling our Army approached the French fort of Duquesne. . A party of Indians approached us. We come to make Peace British Men from across the Pond said their leader. General Braddock told George Washington to go with the Indian and see what he could negotiate with them We rode with the Indians to their camp on the edge of Fort Duquesne.

Allow the French to retreat and abandon their Fort. The French are ready to leave said the Indian Chief to Major George Washington. I cannot make that decision Chief said George Washington I will go and report to my superior officer General Braddock what you have offered\

George Washington and I traveled back to the tent of General Braddock. General Braddock the French are ready to surrender. They offer to leave the fort if we leave them alone and let their Indian allies retreat. Oh hell no said General Braddock a General only gets one big war if he is lucky in a lifetime. I want to get a book deal after they splash the story on the front page of the London Times. If I let them go I will get no glory. I am going to kill all those French bastards.

George Washington sent a courier to the Indian chief telling him that any negotiations with the enemy would destroy General Braddock's big media splash. The courier was later found with an apple in his mouth over a large rock fire pit. George Washington said it was a sign the International Relations had broken down.

General Braddock told Major Washington to begin the advance on Fort Duquesne. The cannon fodder soldiers of the front line began to advance. In the tent of General Braddock we sat awaiting news. Boys lets have one of those crack rock candies while we wait. Okay said Major Washington, with that he pulled out his pipe and sparked up one of Doctor Franklin's wonderful new crack rocks. Damned im high said General Braddock. As we loaded up another rock in the pipe we could here the crack of musket fire. Our boys are giving those Frenchman an ass whooping said George Washington.

The Indians were waiting for the British Army in the woods as they made their way up the road. The British were being fired upon on all sides. One British soldier after another fell dead. Retreat, Retreat, called the British officer who was in charge.

General Braddock and George Washington heard the cries of the men. What the hell is going on out there said George Washington. We made our way outside of the tent. We witnessed the panic of British soldiers running everywhere. Oh Shit hold your ground men said General Braddock.

Lets go hide behind a tree Fall Guy this does not look good. Me and George Washington took cover behind a big oak tree. General Braddock Shouted Major Washington where are you? We heard him but there was no way we were coming out from the safety of that tree. The fire of the Indians musket rained down from the woods all around us.

General Braddock tried in vain to rally his men. Stop running you pussies he cried. All at once a musket ball hit him square between his eyes. Oh Shit I am plugged were his last words as he fell dead.

Major Washington rallied the soldiers. I will give each man a bottle of Scotch if he stops acting like a scared little girl. Fight like a man you Goddamned Bitches. I think his inspirational words with the promise of some Scotch rallied the British soldiers. George Washington told the men that I am the big Pepper in charge now and my first order as commander is lets get the fuck out of here.

George Washington was now leading the rest of the British Army. The men seemed to really get what he was saying and they ran for their lives down the trails in which they had come to the river Monongahela.

George Washington was never better at doing something than running away from the French Allied Indians. The injured British soldiers who were not shot dead by gunfire were now having the tops of their heads removed in something called a scalping. It looked like a really bad way to get a haircut. The Indians used a sharp knife and there seemed to be a great deal of pain involved. I decided that the coins we paid the barber at the shop in Fredericksburg were well worth it.

After a good week of hiking back the way we came we reached the road building crew of Colonel Dunbar. Colonel Dunbar I am sorry to report that General Braddock has been killed in battle. He died a heroes death trying to help me rally the frontline troops. I was nearly killed fighting shoulder to shoulder with him said Major Washington.

I am going to put in for a promotion for you Major Washington. Why thank you said George Washington. Colonel Dunbar than instructed the British Army to Destroy all of the supplies so that The French would not gain anything by the route of the English Army. Those French bastards may have one the day but they wont win the war said Colonel Dunar. I am sending an immediate letter to the King asking him to put a foot up their French asses for this.

Upon returning to Williamsburg there was blame to go around for the defeat. Governor Dinwiidle summoned Major Washington to his office for a full report of what had happened. The French sir were waiting for us in ambush General Braddock fought bravely. The men became panicked because of a lack of discipline and ran away in the heat of battle. That is bullshit, those goddamned cowards, declared Governor Dinwiddle. It is a good thing we have men like you Major Washington. I promote you to be Senior Commander of all the troops in Virginia. George Washington would now be referred to as Colonel Washington.

We were now responsible for a much larger force. Even though I was just a slave I enjoyed the military tactics. Late at night I would give George my own advice on strategy. Sometimes the next day in the Military Officers meeting he would use it and act like it was his idea.

Colonel Washington thought that discipline among the troops was a real problem He did some thing to change it. The first was he formed a secret club of soldiers who would snipe from the trees and shoot any soldier on the spot who tried to retreat. This would end the cannon fodder soldiers trying to get out of their duty to the King. The second was he put in a scratch off lottery with the first prize being a big bag of the newest crack rocks. The stuff seemed to be really catching on and Colonel Washington had started to make money slinging it behind the tents at night. The third thing was a gift certificate to the Williamsburg Whore House of your choice for the best behaved soldier of the week. This new program really improved the morale around camp. Colonel Washington was a born leader it looked like to me and we were having fun with this new Army appointment.

Colonel Washington ordered the men to the front lines along the frontier of Virginia. The fighting was brutal. Many of the men were shot by Washington's new non retreat assurance teams. Those guys were crack shots and would persuade the British troops to fight to the best of their ability. I thought that Washington had a great idea and this would avoid what happened with General Braddock defeat from ever happening again.

One day we received word that Lawrence Washington was dead. George went out in back of our military tent and poured some beer on the ground for him. He had apparently died some months back and Anne had already moved in with a rich man who would care for her. Damned said George Washington now I will never hit that.

Colonel Washington really enjoyed his new role as the commander. I am a big cheese now Fall Guy. I am glad we do not have to risk getting shot anymore I said. The fighting on the frontier was winning the war. George Washington was losing around a third of his men. He did not care because most of them were either new Irish immigrants or Prisoners. We had been able to get better camp prostitutes with Colonel Washington's new rank. There would be no more plumper's for us.

George Washington sat off across Pennsylvania with a big force or Red Coat Regulars. These Red Coats were the toughest men in the regular army. A lot of them were German immigrants which I thought was strange, These German men seemed to enjoy fighting and mostly drank beer. The German men could drink enormous amounts of the beer, it seemed to be in their biological makeup. Fall Guy make sure these Germans don't run out of beer or bratwurst, if they do they may turn on us. The German men were never at risk of running out as I made sure of it.

One of the German units was fired on by one of the other British units because they heard them speaking German and thought it was French. The British soldiers shot several German soldiers dead. George Washington was very angry about the friendly fire. He gave the Germans a gallon extra of the Dark Beer they loved so much on their ration to compensate for the troubles.

The French had already abandoned Fort Duquesne. It seems that there was a big Wine festival up in Toronto and the French left the fort to go to it. George Washington took the fort without firing a single shot. He became beloved around the English Colonies as a war hero.

We traveled back to Williamsburg. The war was now over and The British had won. George Washington was now a military hero. Fall Guy it is a damned good thing those French went to that Wine festival. Those guys sure do love those damned bottled grapes. I don't think I understand it but then again I sure do love a glass of good Scotch. Those Germans sure do like their Beer. Governor Dinwiddle was very pleased with Colonel Washington's effort to win him the war. He now decided that Colonel Washington would get a big piece of frontier land. Colonel Washington had decided to turn it into a Marijuana plantation.

Colonel Washington walked into Governor Dinwiddle's office and he told him Sir I am done with this playing war shit and I quit. With his resignation we were headed back to George Washington's plantation. Things were really looking good for Colonel Washington's future.

George Washington was getting older now. Fall Guy I need to find a suitable marriage partner. I said I have decided that the love of my life are two things. One The Whore House and two A Fine Bottle of Scotch. I love each equally well. Fall Guy said George Washington I think I will try to marry Sally Fairfax.

George Washington went over to Belvoir. The purpose of his visit was to talk to Sally Fairfax about getting married. George loved sally greatly. Sally will you marry me I heard him say from the hallway. Oh hell to the no George we can be fuck buddies but that's about all, you don't really have a Royal title and I need someone who can take care of me. Well Shit then said George. I do have a plumper of a friend that you might be interested in. She's not as hot as me George said Sally but She is Rich as Solomon and her husband recently died. I will never marry you George Washington said Sally Fairfax.

It finally began to sink into George Washington's mind that Sally Fairfax would not marry him. Well Shit fall guy some guys have all the luck, I guess not me. The next week we went over to Belvoir to meet a girl named Martha.

Martha was a fair looking girl. She was not the last one someone would ask to dance with at a ball but you sure as hell would never ask her first. George Washington knew that if he was going to have to marry he might as well pick a loaded girl. Martha was loaded with coin.

Martha my name is George and this is my good friend, and servant John. I usually call him Fall Guy and you should to. Howdy Madame I said. Martha would you like to come over to our plantation and smoke some of Doctor Franklins crack. I have a pipe and plenty of rocks. Yes I would, its all the rage in London they say! Said Martha Custis.

Martha came over on a Friday night and sparked up several big rocks of Crack. Damned that's the shit was her reaction to it. Her second words were got any more? Within the Month she returned several times to drink Scotch and smoke the Crack Rock. At the end of the First Month George and Martha announced that they were engaged. I was happy for them both. I was also glad that Martha enjoyed substance abuse all most as much as Myself and George. I was going to marry a dancing girl from one of the go go clubs if I was ever full enough to get married as they would enjoy similar things to myself. George Washington said If I have to marry a plumper instead of foxy Sally I might as well have a buzz while I am doing it.

Martha had been married once before. She had two children named John and Martha. George and Martha had began calling little Martha. Patsy. Martha was very wealthy and after the marriage Martha told me we would be moving to a place near Alexandria, Virginia.

The wedding day finally arrived. George had given up on every marrying Sally, which is what he really wanted to do. He went ahead and married Martha after drinking a few shots of the new Caribbean drink Rum. He had about six of them and then the Wedding proceeded. It went off without a hitch. George did not seem to have the joy that he did when we went on Monday to check his bank balance. When he came out of the First Bank Of Fredericksburg he was beaming like the moon on a clear night. Well Fall Guy looks like that Fatty is worth her weight in Gold. Whoopee!, Were Rich Bitch, now lets go the Whore Housed dog! I couldn't have agreed with him more.

After the Wedding Martha had me to get everything organized to move to the new place. The new plantation was called Mt Vernon. It was near Alexandria. I had my own room attached to the kitchen. I could not believe my good fortune. Martha was excellent to me. I was really glad that George had married her. She never made me do much work. I guess she knew that I had plenty to do helping out her husband. There was all kinds of things like scoring dope and keeping his glass full of Scotch. George Washington would never have a dry cup as long as I was around. All of the slaves were put into chains and moved over to the new plantation. The burdens on the slaves would be tough as Martha was building a lot more on to the Mt Vernon house. I listened to the slaves complaints but I didn't really care as I was not out in the Field, I was in the house. I was not going to complain and give up my seat at the dinner table. That were all brothers stuff seemed like a lot of bullshit to me. My motto was I got to gets mine.

Mount Vernon was a beautiful new place. There was lots of land and plenty of work for all the slaves to do. George Washington had a whole field of Marijuana planted on one side of the house. He had even built a special barn with a new process being used for growing called hydroponics. I did not understand what or how exactly it worked but the Marijuana was of the finest variety that came out of that barn.

I did not understand Martha's daughter that we called Patsy. She would fall down on the floor and thrash around. George Washington said she was having what was called a seizure. I thought she was just acting stupid to try to get out of going to school. I found out in later years I was wrong.

George Washington changed things around Mt Vernon. Instead of growing so much Tobacco we began to package our own brand called Wacky Tobacco. With Doctor Franklins East Coast Connections up in Philly it was not long before the money was rolling in by the wagon load. George Washington would send wagon loads of Pot up to Philadelphia and Ben Franklin would send back money and crack. We sold the crack on every downtown corner of Alexandria. George had a lot of ex soldiers working for us and he said we were going to form a big syndicate.

Life as a planter was pretty nice. Sometimes me and George would ride down to the field to horse whip a nigger who was not working hard enough. I had the idea of putting in a quota on how much Marijuana each man should harvest a day. We were up into the tons by the end of that fall. The great thing was Doctor Franklin was a genius and could sell all we could handle. I think he needed money for his crazy science stuff so he was pretty motivated.

Martha Washington had began to spend a lot of time in the new Crack Parlor that George Washington had put in the house. There were always a lot of servant girls laying around in states of half undress. Sometimes I would sneak in their and get a handful of a servant girls ass or breast when they were passed out. George said that Martha being occupied would keep her off our ass. He did not seem to mind that she was developing a strange relationship with the crack.

One day we were strolling through downtown Alexandria. We spotted a newspaper at the newsstand. The headline was the richest top ten in Virginia. Number three was George Washington on the list. Hell Yes! Said George Washington Come on Fall Guy this calls for some pampering at the whore house and then another drink. I gladly agreed and off we went to celebrate George Washington's new wealth.

One day we were summoned to go back to Williamsburg and meet the Governor. The new Governor of Virginia was a good man named Norbone Berkeley. Norbone always greeted you with a smile and a drink. He always offered me one as well when I would accompany George Washington. I did not have to stand in the hallway so that was nice. Governor Berkeley told George Washington that he was going to give him a shit load of land out in West Virginia. That is great I can grow some more weed on it. George Washington and Governor Norbone made a deal to hire dealers to sell it on the campus of William & Mary College. The students would go crazy over the Marijuana and Governor Norbone could keep half of the profits as it was his idea. Governor Norbone was sure the Marijuana would be a hit around campus. He intended to introduce it to the Philosophy and the Humanities Colleges upon receipt of the first wagon load. George sent men to the new land in West Virginia to get the operation started. A few guys from the hydroponics barn at Mount Vernon went to supervise the operation.

With all of the profits from the Marijuana operation Mount Vernon was growing quickly. Within a few years George Washington had doubled the size of Mount Vernon. George Washington was a very fine businessman. Fall Guy I think its time we got into adult bookstores George Washington said to me.

George Washington came up with a new great business model. It seemed to be very appealing to Men no Matter what region of the country. A barn would be raised and men would pay a few coins. When they put their coins in a slot a gate would be drawn up by a man above. Behind the gate would be a very pretty Irish girl who would then lift her skirt and give a peek at her most private parts. After a few sips of Whiskey all modesty of those crazy Irish Girls went out the window. What I love about Irish girls said George Washington is that the Red Drapes always matches the carpet.

George Washington was now one of the most famous people in America. The new peep show business was going good. One night a strange Wagon with New Jersey plates on it pulled up to Mt Vernon. A small Jewish man accompanied by three huge three hundred and fifty pound Italian guys came to the door. George Washington we are here to see you.

The small Jewish guy was named Rothsteinman. He was big in the contest business up in New York City. George Washington Virginia is part of my families territory and you cannot sell anything to do with pussy theatre in my territory. What are you going to do little man said George Washington. I don't think you understand said Mr. Rothsteinman. One of the large Italian guy grabbed me and the other grabbed little patsy. Mr. Rothsteinman explained they would slit Washington's families throats one by one and then dump their bodies in a far off place in New York called the East River. These guys seemed very serious and I got the Idea that business is done differently than what we are used to on the East Coast.

George Washington agreed to save our throats and stay out of the peep show business. Can I still be a customer. Mr. Rothsteinman gave us both a V.I.P. badge for life. George Washington sold him the new peep show business and we were never in it again. Damned said George Washington those East Coast Boys don't play. Mr. Rothsteinman agreed on a price of half the appraised value of the peep show. I thought that was really fair of him.

After the peep show business incident George decided that we needed to find newer, safer, businesses to invest all the Marijuana cash in. I have a great idea I will run for the House of Burgesses. George Washington readied his campaign that fall.

George had a great campaign theme. He hired men to stand out in front of the church on election day Hey you voter, they would say to each entering man. If you vote for Washington we are giving away free bottles of fine Rum. Each man gladly agreed that this was a fair trade and Washington was easily elected to The House Of Burgesses. Woohoo! We won fall guy lets get to Williamsburg and meet the lobbyists before the next election comes! With that we were off to Williamsburg.

We moved into a nice house in Williamsburg. It was next door to a fine tavern, but we couldn't go to it because George Washington had to be concerned about his public image now that he was an elected official. There was a back gate that I would sneak prostitutes and liquor through for all of the house parties that we had. Mr. Rothsteinman had opened up a new peep show a few blocks over in the less desirable part of Williamsburg. George Washington would allow me to go but he couldn't with the pressures of being a Member Of The House Of Burgesses. I went once and never went back as it was not any fun without my good friend George Washington.

George Washington would spend a lot of time in Williamsburg entertaining White folks who were called lobbyists. Usually on a Sunday afternoon they would send over a very pretty young prostitute from one of the better brothels as well as a fine bottle of Scotch or Rum. On Monday Morning George Washington would go down to the House Of Burgesses and vote the way the lobbyist needed him to vote in return for the gift. I asked George once about this and he said not to worry about it that it was the way the game is played and it was white people shit.

George Washington was now part of the Social Elite of Virginia. He had lots of parties at his house where games of chance involving cards would be played. The money rolled in from all the Marijuana that the Governor was selling up at William & Mary. We were living a fine life in Williamsburg. George Washington said we always had to be aware of our public image now or we would lose our seat in the House Of Burgesses. This seemed to me like the worst thing that could happen. We would now have to be very careful what we did in public. When we would go drinking I was always careful to do my public urination behind a large tree so as not to embarrass George Washington's new found political image.

The British were apparently putting a tax on many of the goods in the colonies. One day George Washington received a letter from Anne Fairfax. It appeared that the British had a bill in parliament considering the ban of Marijuana. This was really upsetting to George Washington. We cannot have this Fall Guy or it will fuck up my business.

The British began to tax many of the goods around the colonies. The people in parliament had heard about crack and were considering a ban on it. Doctor Franklin fumed when he heard that they might try to tax his wonderful new invention.

George Washington was not happy with the idea of making Marijuana illegal. Colonists up and down the coast were angry with all of the new taxes. The colonies had no direct representation to Parliament in Britain so they really were pissed about the taxes. George Washington said several times on the House floor that the colonies should govern themselves.

Fall Guy we have to side with the colonists said George Washington. Those damned British will fuck up my Marijuana operation if they make it illegal. We are making bank off selling crack and marijuana to the colonists. I am going to begin to speak out against the British.

News came in from all over that the colonists were getting pissed about the British taxes. Doctor Franklin sent a letter to George Washington explaining why it would be better for them both to be on the colonists side. George Washington told me that we were going to go with the colonists because it would be a really good outcome if they won. It looked as if a war would possibly come out of all the tension. Well Fall Guy if we are wrong the British will hang both of us. I think I am right on this one, lets go with the colonists. All that politics stuff was white people talk to me anyhow and I agreed to go with whatever George Washington thought on this.

In the slave shack I asked some of the other slaves what they thought. What the hell makes the difference to us, we are all still niggers no matter was the general consensus among the slaves.

George Washington presented some new legislation to ban the import of British goods. The reason was that some guys from London that were involved with the Italians from New Jersey had begun to make c crack. There crack was almost as good as Doctor Franklin's but it was half the price. George Washington said that he would not be as quick to give up his crack operation as he would his peep show business. If the British could not import anything, it would keep them from getting their crack into the colonies. George Washington at the behest of Doctor Franklin was going to keep them from importing goods into the colonies.

George Washington was becoming an advocate for the Colonies being their own country. He would introduce a new piece of legislation almost every week that was designed to piss off the Parliament back in England. Fuck those wig wearing motherfuckers is how George Washington explained his thinking on the subject. George Washington introduced a bill called the Fairfax Resolves. The Fairfax Resolves really made the British mad and it was rumored that their were several boats of Red Coat Soldiers on the way across the Atlantic. Why is this I asked George. Well George said I think they intend to put a foot up our ass said George.

In Boston there had been a rebellion against all of the unfair taxes. The Bostonians had drank too much beer the night before. They marched down to the harbor at the advice of a drunk in the crowd who was egging them on and dumped all of the Tea in the Boston Harbor.

A new Governor Lord Dunmore sent out a decree. The decree was from the King. It said you all gentleman been acting like bitches, House Of Burgesses your asses are fired. George Washington said this was bullshit. The other members were very angry that they had lost their political jobs. A few days later George Washington told me we would be going to Philadelphia to attend a new Constitutional Convention.

There were a lot of important people from all over the colonies at the meeting. One of the men was named Samuel Adams. He made the best beer I had ever tasted. It was called Boston Lager. George Washington tasted a Mason Jar full of it and he said God is Good Men!

We would travel between Virginia and Philadelphia for the political meetings. Back home at Mount Vernon Martha Washington had asked George to talk to Patsy about the birds and bees. George would go up to Patsy's room and when she was having a seizure he would teach her about sex so that she would not remember and thus be able to tell the lesson that he had showed her. One day while George Washington was riding her like a wild horse she came out of her seizure. Rape! Rape! She cried, Fall Guy get in here George Washington shouted. Rape! Cried Patsy.

What should I do George. Kick the bitch in the head to shut her up said George Washington. Patsy laid naked across the bedroom floor. I kicked her very hard right in the side of her left temple. She began to shake uncontrollably as George Washington put his trousers back on. She shit all over the floor and was shaking like a white girl twerking in a disco. Oh my God George! She has shit all over everything. The room smelled like a construction work site shithouse.

A few minutes passed and Patsy was as white as a ghost. George I think she might be dead I said. Oh Shit your right this hoe done gave up the ghost said George Washington. Quick we better dress her, George quickly put her clothing back on Patsy as she was now dead. We went down to the study to have a glass of Scotch. About a half hour later we heard the screams of one of the housekeepers. We ran up the stairs to see what was wrong, even though I had a pretty good idea. Oh No said George Patsy is dead. Go and get Martha out of the crack den. We had the funeral the next day and Patsy was buried under a big oak tree in the side yard. The cause of death according to the doctor must have been another seizure. George chuckled after the service. Good move on that one Fall Guy I nearly got caught with my pants down so to speak. Ha, Ha, Ha ,his laughter rang throughout the colonies.

After Patsy's funeral we went back to Philadelphia. The details of a new Constitution were being worked out. George Washington proposed an amendment to legalize Marijuana but an old stick in the mud named Thomas Jefferson insisted that slavery be abolished if Marijuana were to be legalized. George Washington could not abolish Slavery as all the members of the South would be dead apposed to this idea. George Washington quickly scrapped the idea.

I want to lead the Army George Washington said to me one evening. There was a meeting the next week of the Constitutional Convention. George why don't you wear one of those old army uniforms you have been keeping in the trunk. Damned good plan Fall Guy George said.

George Washington made sure to bring an old uniform with him. He put it on and looked just like a General. A guy from Boston named John Adams nominated Washington to be the commander of the new Continental Army. No one else wanted it so George Washington easily one the nomination.

War was coming and we were about to be in the thick of it. General Washington as he was now referred to as began raising an Army. General Washington knew that happy men will gladly kill for money and pussy. He arranged for every continental soldier to receive a gift certificate to the whore house of his choice once a month and every man got a ration of beer each day. Scotch was on the way out. Fall Guy we have to give it up because its so damned British.

With the gift certificate program to the whore house and the ration of liquor it was not long before the continental Army was in top shape. George Washington was now the Commander in Chief Of The Army. He wanted to call himself the big chili pepper in charge but I told him it just did not have the same ring to It. George Washington now even had one of those Korean massage girls that traveled in his jumbo size tent. We had brand new sofas installed and George even ordered each of us a jumbo size recliner from a chair place in France.

We were making our way with the new Army up the Eastern Seaboard. Our destination was Boston. The British had occupied Boston. They were pissed because the Bostontonians had dumped all of their tea into the harbor. The British were being very harsh on the townspeople of Boston. We were going to try to free Boston with a surprise attack.

Fall Guy we have to give up our Scotch. It is no longer possible to import it and the domestic shit is just not the same as that from old Scotland. Thomas Jefferson had suggested we switch to Wine. Samuel Adams offered us all the beer that we wanted. George Washington told him that for me and himself beer acted more as a chaser. One day a guy from the far out Tennessee territory introduced us to a new whiskey called Bourbon. This shit will make your dick stand up said George Washington Woo hoo! Woo hoo! Fall Guy its better than Scotch. I am a bourbon man for the rest of my days. The soldier from the far out Tennessee territories got a big promotion for introducing us to bourbon.

George was scared at first that when the Scotch ran low the morale of the troops would suffer. The new Bourbon from Tennessee territory was an immediate hit so when the Scotch ran out and it was switched their were huge cheers from the men. A new drink for a new country was the consensus of almost everything. Almost everyone switched to Bourbon except for those pussy wine drinkers as George Washington put it.

We got up to Boston in about a week. George Washington had the brilliant plan of setting up Artillery on the high ground and then blowing the shit out of everything. This is going to be some good fireworks Fall Guy. We prepared some steaks on the grill on the night of the battle. We sat outside waiting for the show to begin. We watched as the British began pulling out their troops. We only got to fire a few rounds of artillery off that apparently on accident hit a wayward boys home. The spotter had a few sips of bourbon before the battle started. Damned fall guy it looks like they are giving up and we wont get to blow the shit out of the town.

The next day we began making our way down to New York City. We had heard from the spies that the British Army would be down there. It took a week but finally we arrived on a place that they called Long Island.

Early the next morning a battle was to begin. George Washington had decided to engage the British forces in an open field. George did not think we were going to win so he made sure a few minutes before the battle started to excuse himself to the outhouse in back of the lines. Oh boys looks as though I ate some bad crab last night, got to shit a Buick, I will be right back. When the smoke cleared that afternoon the men were retreating in a panic and thousands lay dead.

I had a bad feeling about this one George Washington told me. We had better retreat across the river into New Jersey. The boats were loaded and all of the men got out of New York state barely alive. The Army had suffered a bad defeat at Long Island.

Men deserting was becoming a big problem. Thomas Jefferson sent a wagon load of French whores who could service a whole platoon of men by herself every two hours. Soon every man in the Continental Army was happy again and ready to serve his country. I thought to myself that the colonists owe a great gratitude to the French women of the World. Thomas Jefferson sent a letter to General Washington that said see I told you those French girls are the shit!

Hessian soldiers had overran the town of Trenton, New Jersey. Fall Guy we blew it in that last battle. We better go down to Trenton and kick those Hessians ass so that I wont get fired as Commander in Chief. With that we turned the Army and Marched toward Trenton after getting across the river.

George Washington's new spy division came up with a great plan for the attack on Trenton. Very large grills were set up. A large variety of Sausages were cooked on the top of them. The smell of beer and brats was fanned by hundreds of men holding brooms. When the smell of beer and brats hit Trenton the Hessians thought there was a German festival. George Washington had the drum and fife divisions switch and play German music. This new psychological warfare was to much for the German soldiers. They could not resist an Oktoberfest anywhere in the World. The German Hessian soldiers gladly gave up their guns and surrendered. George Washington made sure they had plenty of beer and brats to go around. We joined them and at the end everyone did a large chicken dance. George had won the battle of Trenton with beer and bratwurst. George Washington told me that Beer was the key to a Germans heart and he was one hundred percent right.

With the battle of Trenton won we made our way back up through New Jersey for an attack on Princeton. The British were not expecting an attack. The soldiers of the continental Army were able to attack while they were asleep. Many of the British were killed and the rest ran for their lives. Soon Princeton was won and we had two victories in a row. I am a bad mamba jamba declared George Washington to the world.

George Washington had a new military idea. He immediately had his Generals set up units called the Bush Whacker corps. They were armed with rifles and tomahawks. They would hide from trees and quickly attack passing British units on the roads. George told me that he got the idea from the Indians. After you attack Fall Guy you run like hell! This was a good idea and would cost the British many lives in years to come.

John Burgoyne had invaded New York with a very large force of British soldiers from Quebec, Canada. The British Army were making a large attack on Philadelphia. Most of the Continental Congress had fled the city. General Howe was leading the British. George Washington rushed his troops to Philadelphia to engage the British in battle.

The fighting started early in the morning. Gun fire rang throughout the fields. A minute man came to report that The Continentals were being badly defeated. Do you want to go up to the front line and try to rally the men one of the Generals asked. Uh Let me get back to you said George Washington. Lets get the hell out of dodge Fall Guy said General Washington. With that the Continental Army retreated in a bad defeat and Philadelphia fell to the British.

The Continental Army had many killed and wounded. Damned Fall Guy we got are asses kicked again. We were moving toward Saratoga, New York, with the remnants of the Continental Army. George Washington decided to stop and rest the men for a few days. Large games of beer pong were organized and soon the men in the Army had their spirits lifted again and everything was back to normal. Doctor Franklin sent replacements for the front line soldiers that had been killed. They had been promised a gallon of beer for life per week and a new wagon after the war was over for their enlistment.

A battle began at Saratoga. George Washington had several wagon loads of mirrors brought in from the surrounding area. He had the mirrors sat up in an open field. The reflection made it look like that instead of a thousand men he had ten thousand. The British seen this early in the morning and they quickly surrendered. The battle of Saratoga had been one because of George Washington's brilliant trickery. Remember that old saying If you cannot make it fake it fall guy! George Washington said to me

British General Burgoyne was really angry when he realized he had been tricked. He stomped his feat and shook his arms wildly. No Fair! No Fair! He said. George Washington said Tricked yaw Motherfucker, ha, ha, ha. I am the big chili pepper of the colonies.

In France word soon reached the King that The Colonists had beaten the British at Saratoga. General Washington was now an International Superstar. Fall Guy we should start planning a clothing line and maybe a sheet music deal with all this new found fame George told me.

The King Of France who was a fat bastard named Louis decided that the Colonists were going to most likely win the war. The French were always looking for a way to stick it in the e ye of the British and helping the colonists seemed like a perfect opportunity to do just that. King Louis ordered his people to begin assisting the Colonists at once. The colonists now had a strong ally thanks to General Washington' mirror trick at Saratoga.

The Continental Congress was meeting on a regular basis now. There were members of the Congress who wanted to fire George Washington as commander in chief. A vote was going to be held the next week on rather George should be canned as Commander In Chief. Fall guy we have to stop this. I suggested that the solution was prostitutes and bourbon. George Washington hired some Swedish girls who were known over in Europe as Fluffers. They made the congressman more sympathetic to Washington's point of view and when the bottles of fine Tennessee bourbon arrived it put the vote squarely in Washington's favor.

That is how the game is played Fall Guy said George Washington. He had taught me a new concept in politics that in later years I understood to be called lobbying. This is the way you get shit done said George Washington. I am gangster as a motherfucker.

Being gangster as a motherfucker was a term that George Washington used many times to refer to himself. In years to come I found it to be very true of his personal Character. I do not think that Augustine Washington smiling down from heaven could have been prouder of my friend George.

Winter was closing in on the Army. George Washington decided that we would need to make camp for the winter at a place called Valley Forge, Pennsylvania. There was not enough food or wood to go around. George Washington had all of the wood from the camp brought over to his tent after discovering his feet got cold after midnight because the wood ran low. The enlisted men who were called the cannon fodder shivered in their huts. God Damn its colder than a well diggers ass! Said Washington.

Many of the cannon fodder soldiers froze to death and the camp was getting restless. Soon there was a bad outbreak of Diarrhea after some bad meat was served in the chow lines. We have to do something or the men will not fight said George Washington. I had the idea to have organized snow ball fights and a snow man building contest. The snow ball fights and the snow man contest distracted the men from their starvation and freezing. The winner of the snowman contest got a free bottle of bourbon.

Valley Forge conditions were very tough but spring was approaching. George Washington sat up large buckets beside all of the outhouses. The men were ordered to do their urination into the buckets. The buckets were taken away and blended with snow. This was a new invention from Doctor Franklin called snow cones. Soon all of the men had snow cones to eat and it ended the food supply problem. I suspect that they did not know the ingredients and were just glad to have the Snow Cones to eat.

When spring came we marched toward New Jersey. It had been a very hard winter for the Continental Army. We were never cold or hungry as George Washington said that neither cold nor hunger were good for his planning strategy. We were moving toward a place called Monmouth, New Jersey.

At Monmouth the Continental Army faced off against a British general named Cornwallis. The British were very well trained, and armed. These Red Coat s were among the best in the Empire. Major General Charles Lee was sent ahead to begin the fight at Monmouth.

General Lee was a collector of smut. The intelligence of the British Army got word of this. Before the battle started General Cornwallis sent over a wagon load of the latest German smut books from Europe. The European smut books were very obscene. General Lee found the wagon and was in his tent looking at them as the battle began. Soon the British had the Colonials on the run. The Army was in a full retreat and very panicked as General Washington arrived.

General Washington had canons set up and the fire from the artillery began to pound the British line. General Washington and I rode to the tent of General Charles Lee. He had his trousers around his ankles and he was pleasuring himself to drawings of German girls burning their private areas with candles. I had seen some weird shit in my life but this takes the cake. All I could think is these white motherfuckers is Cray, Cray.

George Washington immediately relieved General Lee of his command. You dumb ass Lee while you were in here looking at porn drawings the British are beating the shit out of us. Oh forgive me General Washington, but I think I am a sex addict protested General Charles Lee.

With Lee relieved of his command, General Washington was able to get the situation at Monmouth back under control. Soon the canon had driven back The English. General Cornwallis moved his forces toward New York City. General Washington told me that Cornwallis had business interests in New York City. It seemed that he was opening shops on Forty Second Street selling similar material as what he had distracted General Lee with. General Washington said he was probably going to do well and that after the war we would seize his business and make a deal with Mr. Rothsteinman to corner the dirty paper business. Fall Guy we will take his business in a hostile takeover after the war.

Reports began to come into the Generals camp about a heroic young lady named Molly Pitcher. She carried beer to the men in the hot sun. When a Canon unit lost one of their men to a British Musket Ball she flashed her breasts at the advancing British line. This caused them to be distracted and the Continental Army Cut their unit to shreds with the canon. Her breasts had saved many lives that day. General Washington ordered her brought to our tent. Show us your tits girl Said George Washington. When she did all he could say was those are very nice!

The Indians were causing problems all over New York. George Washington decided that they had to pay for siding with the British. We are going to take those fuckers land, build parlors of chance on them, and not share any of the money. By the time I am through they will have to sell weird tourist trinkets on the side of the highway.

George Washington sent raiding parties into upstate New York. They attacked the Indian villages and burnt most of them to the ground. The great Indian leader Chief Wahoo rode his horse over to General Washington's camp. I would like make peace with you white man. Lay down your arms and gather all of your braves in the big empty field a few miles from Albany. If you do this I will let your people live in peace. Okay white man Washington said Chief Wahoo.

When Chief Wahoo gathered his braves in the field General Washington had the Army set up canons inside the nearby tree line. The canon were concealed with brush so that the Indians could not see them. When the Indians were all sitting The canon began to fire grapeshot on them. The Indian braves were cut to ribbons. What are you doing we had a deal shouted Chief Wahoo. I had my fingers crossed shouted General Washington. You should never trust a white man laughed Washington. All of the Indians were soon killed by the grapeshot and Chief Wahoo was hung from a nearby Oak tree. The Indians were never a problem in New York again. General Washington became very popular for saving the populace of New York from the Indian menace.

In the Fall of 1781 the Army moved South toward Yorktown, Virginia. The French under a General named The Comte De Rochambeau were assisting in the fight. The Continentals had taken to calling themselves Americans. I liked the name but it did not apply to us slaves, we were referred by all white people, as well as the Spaniards as simply the niggers. I wondered how this term came to be. I wished I could be an American too.

General Cornwallis of the British side really liked Yorktown. The French had opened several of those new wine and cheese shops. General Cornwallis had his redcoat soldiers raid the shops and steal all of the best wine and cheese. One evening General Cornwallis drank two entire bottles of really good French wine by himself. The next day General Washington with the assistance of the French began his attack.

General Cornwallis was very hung over from his over indulgence in the French Wine. He sat outside of his tent on his knees hurling the contents of his stomach. Gunfire roared throughout Yorktown. While Cornwallis had been binge drinking the French and Americans had surrounded his position.

General Washington dispatched a white flagged rider to the British side. The British were surrounded on all sides with their backs to the York River. The French had sent a large Flotilla of warships in the middle of the night. There were several large French battle ships in the York River. There was no escape for the now trapped British Army. General Washington's not to General Cornwallis simply said You know you done fucked up right?

General Cornwallis was very angry about his predicament. He knew that he was surrounded and he had no choice but to surrender. George Washington ordered Cornwallis to surrender his men and put all of their guns into big piles. Cornwallis sent out one of his aides to do the surrender ceremony but General Washington refused to accept his sword. He had one of his staff Generals accept the sword instead. He gave the British General a note to take back to Cornwallis that said you got served bitch.

The Americans and French were very happy. There were large celebrations over the victory. The French drank lots of wine. The Americans drank homemade drinks out of jars called moonshine. It was a clear and powerful liquid that knocked all sense out of a full grown man.

There were no more big battles after Yorktown. The Americans had one our independence. I asked General Washington if the slaves would get to be free. Are you kidding Fall Guy, no way. You see if we did that who would do all the farm work for free. It aint going to happen player said George Washington. I knew I would never be a free man after that day. I had the thought maybe I should plant a tomahawk in these racist crackers forehead while they slept but then the moment passed me.

In September of 1783 Ben Franklin met with the English representatives to negotiate a peace deal. The British did not want to fight anymore. Good thing we won the war Fall Guy now our Marijuana business is safe, plus we ended up with all those adult book stores on Forty Second Street in New York City. George Washington had worked out a deal with the shady Jew from New Jersey Mr. Rothsteinman. He had a complicated system of math that Jews used called two thirds for me and maybe a third for you after expenses. George said it was the best deal we could get without ending up becoming fertilizer.

Ben Franklin negotiated the terms of peace in Paris. The English agreed to allow the Americans to form their own country. The British basically gave the Americans everything they wanted. Peace was worked out between France and England. Everyone in the colonies was happy that the war was over. Fall Guy now we can get back to making this country great. I tell you commerce is the key we need to take over every corner of the inner city with our crack and marijuana said George Washington. I may end up being the leader of this motherfucker before its all over Fall Guy. I won the war and I'm the shit now.

With the new peace between England and the new country of America things improved greatly for us. George Washington was trying to make sure that the Americans got Florida from the Spanish in all the peace negotiations. He told me that something called Condos were going to be big down there. I did not understand it but him and Ben Franklin were in on it together.

My time of being a soldier has passed Fall Guy. I am glad the war is over because my old ass is getting tired. George Washington was ready o leave the fighting behind him. now that England had negotiated a peace settlement. George I said why couldn't you white folks just have negotiated terms to start with of peace. If you had avoided the war look at all the life and property that could have been spared. George Washington told me that war is caused by something called the Military Industrial Complex.

The war was over so General Washington was ready to quit the Army. We had won a war and traveled many interesting places but George was ready to return to Mount Vernon. Fall Guy I cannot wait to sit on the porch and get drunk, then we will hit the whore houses around Alexandria.

In New York City a big party was planned at Fraunces Tavern. Everyone got drunk as shit at the party. George soaked his pants with urine after having one to many glasses of Bourbon. The urine streaked down the front of his trousers. Everyone was laughing at him. He climbed atop a table and he said Fuck this war and Fuck all Y'all Motherfuckers, I quit. With that the war for General Washington was over. The war was also finished for the pants that he wore that day. The stink of the piss was so bad that the laundry nigger just burned them.

George Washington soon returned to Mount Vernon. We did not have enough slaves to run such a large plantation. George introduced a new rape program. He would go down to the slave shacks and rape any female over the age of twelve. He said that if we did this a few times a month soon our fields would flourish with workers. I was asked to join in as he said two swordsman raping the slave girls would be better than one. I did as he was asked and I fathered many field hands in the coming years.

We were able to get the Marijuana operation back in business. Doctor Franklin could not sell it fast enough so George made a deal with Mr. Rothsteinman. Mr. Rothsteinman began selling the Marijuana in New York City. He had dealers out in front of all the dirty book stores on Forty Second Street. Soon the money was rolling in. it's a damned good thing we stopped those British bastards from fucking up our weed hustle said George Washington.

A Constitutional Convention was going to be held in Philadelphia. I am going to go up there said George Washington. We need to try and make sure that I am the big cheese in this new formed country. Why do you want to do that sir. Fall guy we have to start thinking about legacy now that were getting to be old farts. One day our dicks wont work no more and we will be senile. I want the World to know I lived when I am gone. With the leader job we can sit on our ass and get drunk every afternoon plus we can make the taxpayers pay for it.

We arrived in town for the Constitutional Convention. In Philadelphia. George Washington had us staying at the best hotel in town of course at tax payer expense. George Washington told us to order all of the room service that we wanted because we would not be paying for it anyhow. I ordered lots of beer and nachos.

We were going to be in Philadelphia for the entire Summer of 1787. George Washington told me on the way up from Virginia that the reason for the meeting was that the Articles Of Confederation were just not working to Govern the new Country. George Washington was really bored at the Convention. He spent most of the time playing tic tac toe with himself while the other delegate fought with each other. It was decided that George Washington should be the president of the Convention. George accepted provided that their would be meal expenses paid at the best steak house in Philadelphia. The delegates gladly agreed so we ate like kings for the rest of the Summer.

Each day the Delegates would meet and fight about the finer points of how the new nation would be ran. George was able to see both sides of an argument so he was popular with all of the parties. The meetings mostly consisted of name calling. Alexander Hamilton was in the habit of dropping his pants to do something called mooning when he won a point. George Washington told me that this really infuriated

James Madison.

Arguments were constant at the convention. George Washington came up with an idea to settle conflicts among the delegates. A checker contest was held and whoever one the game got their way on the point. Everyone was happy with this and it made the work less boring. James Madison was disqualified several times because he would flip the board if he started to lose a round.

After hundreds of games of checkers the work was finally done. Because of his good sense in settling conflict among the different parties at the Convention there was now talk of George Washington being the leader of the country. George Washington told me see Fall Guy soon enough we will be drinking at the tax payers expense. The Constitution was soon ratified by all thirteen states.

In the Year 1789 George Washington was elected as the first president. The election was uncontested. George Washington was credited with winning the war so he was very popular in the colonies. He had given a fine bottle of bourbon to each of the delegates. George Washington was a good lobbyist and he knew how to get a man on his side. Fall Guy the key to winning a man's support in life is to buy him either pussy or liquor. Both work very well for gaining good will and favor. You're a oh yea, I said I wouldn't call you the N word anymore, but my point is you don't have to worry about such things.

We would now be moving to Philadelphia. I was glad because we would be closer to Doctor Franklin and all the fun that was in Philadelphia. Philadelphia had better whore houses than Alexandria because lots of immigrants were coming off the boats from Europe. Sometimes myself and George would go down to the docks and watch the immigrants coming off the boats. George Washington would just say when he spotted a pretty French or English girl come to poppa baby.

George did not like formalities. He wanted to just be called George or O.G. George but congress could not use the terms we used at home so he settled for Mr. President. We would start off a day by getting blazed on Marijuana as soon as the sun came up. George liked to think of it as the sun's goodness. He called the idea wake and bake.

It came the day to take the oath of President. John Adams was elected the Vice President of the United States. The country was now referred to by many as the United States of America. I felt they should put a clause in that said except for the niggers.

We had to go to New York City to the ceremony of inauguration. George Washington decided that a President should get oral favors from whores all the way to New York. We stopped at every place where women drank alcohol and had low morels along the way. George Washington liked to pick up girls who were barely legal at Wagon Stops. Some day these will be called truck stops and the women will be referred to as truck stop whores. Got to keep it classy said George Washington.

A huge crowd of people had gathered outside of the hall to watch Washington take the oath. Fall guy this is a great nation he said to me. We are a nation of escorts, Drunks, Drug Dealers and Pimping Mother Fuckers. Those foreign bitches best not forget it or a foot be up in their ass.

John Adams was a real bore. He never had fun smoking dope or drinking like Washington. George said that he was a bitch because he was only the Vice President. He said Vice Presidents don't get to do shit. John Adams would like to snitch but because George was the most powerful man in the country there was no one for him to snitch to. Ben Franklin told us that John Adams proved he had a vagina when he was in France. The French quietly snickered at John Adams and wondered why the Americans had allowed him to be Vice President.

George had to make his inaugural l address in the Senate Chamber. He basically told the Senators that God willing they could work together to form a great union. He added that I don't give two fucks what Y'all do so long as I get paid and you don't involve me in your petty ass disputes.

George Washington was a little pissed that he did not get a ball. He felt that he had been disrespected by the Congress. The Congress decided that they were wrong and in May of 1789 a ball was held. Girls were brought in to massage each member of Congresses balls of course after their wives had retired for the evening. New York City for the first time but not the last ran out of alcohol and Mr. Rothsteinman's corner pushers ran out of narcotics.

One day in New York City George Washington and myself were passing a fortune teller. Let us go inside said George Washington. We went inside and there was a fortune teller named Madame Alexis. Madame Alexis asked us for a small donation which George Washington handed over. I see your future, You will die a free man she said to me. I see your future President Washington you will have your face on a piece of paper and books will be written about you. There will be a great movie about you that is a fictional horror portrayal called The Washingtonians. We left and George said man that bitch is bananas.

George Washington was now President George Washington. George had more security now, a big guy from Puerto Rico named Julio was hired to follow George around. Julio was good guy he loved to drink Rum. We always invited Julio to go to the whore house with us but now George had to sneak in the back way so no one would see him. A President had to maintain a certain public image I think that this was one of the things George liked the least about his new job.

When George would walk down the street people would ask for his autograph. Julio would often make them go away but George was always willing to sign almost anything. He was very popular with the citizens of New York.

George Washington set up a new mail office at the President's residency. To give him something to do and keep him out of the way George had John Adams do all the return correspondence from the public. George would have a staff crank out form letters and it was John Adams job to lick the envelopes on the bags of mail that came in. Ha! Ha! Ha! Said George that will keep that fuddy duddy Adams out of our way.

George Washington sat up a Supreme Court. He told each justice before he nominated them to the high court to promise that they would never pass a law to make Marijuana or Drunk Carriage driving illegal. Each Judge swore that not in his life time would either of these things happen.

One day we were stumbling out of one of those new Asian places that seemed to be popping up all over the island of Manhattan. Manhattan Island was growing by leaps and bounds. A boy was walking along the other side of the street when a carriage came roaring down the street. Julio pushed President Washington out of the way as the carriage jumped the sidewalk. The carriage then swerved to the other side of the street and ran up on the sidewalk. The boy had his head smashed by the carriage wheel. The driver was very drunk as he stumbled down to see what he had done. The boys head now looked like a crushed Tomato. Soon the Police arrived and they arrested the drunk carriage driver. Wow that is terrible said George Washington. The next day he proposed a new law against intoxicated driving and passed the first D.U.I law. George had changed his mind about drunk carriage driving but he was firm on his thinking about Marijuana.

Washington began to think about his legacy. He proposed that a new town be built closer to Virginia to accommodate all federal officials. It was proposed that the town in the District of Columbia be called Washington. George did not resist the idea, he said to me Damned Fall Guy who would have thought a mother fucker like me would get his own city named after him. Damned I am big time!

Alexander Hamilton was George Washington's Treasury secretary. George told me that those Wall Street bastards were even smarter than the lawyers were. He said that the lawyers were probably the second most clever group of guys in the World after the Hedge Fund guys. I was to stoned to understand what he was talking about at the time. George said that Alexander was useful in something called cooking the books so we would keep a good finance guy handy. Alexander was not prone to drinking or smoking dope he only took a little in moderation. He did like whores though so that was one of his good qualities that me and George both liked about him. Alexander cooked up one financial scheme after another and I think all the guy thought about was Money twenty four seven. George took to calling him Doctor Cash Register. I liked the nickname but I couldn't call him that because I didn't want him to call me nigger.

George had the idea of slowly abolishing Slavery. He knew that this was an important thing to me. I had several bastard children back home in Virginia. I do not know the number as when you get on a whiskey drunk and go down to the slave quarters, what happens in the slave shack stays down in the slave shacks. I would like my unknown number of Children to be free some day. The Senators basically told George to stick it up his ass and that was the end of it.

Hamilton and Jefferson did not get along at all. I am not sure why they hated each other so much but George Washington had to stop them from fist fighting several times during meetings. I liked Thomas Jefferson he would always send over a case of those damned bottled grapes he loved so much. Thomas would also send over some of the highest grade hydroponics Marijuana that he had grown down on his farm in Virginia. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson would often compare strains of their Marijuana and give each other growing tips. George said that Thomas had been banging his housekeeper and they had several milk chocolate children together. He said not to tell anyone about Thomas and his illegitimate children running around his plantation. George said he should have used a glove and laughed.

George had to have Julio sometimes go down to the Caribbean islands. There were something down there called offshore banks that Mr. Rothsteinman had told George about. George said that he liked the idea of hiding your money outside of prying eyes. George said the Government wouldn't ever be able to tax all his Marijuana money if he got it out of this Country. Julio met with some shady guys from Switzerland that operated a branch office on one of the Islands.

George Washington was authorized to have the Government purchase some land in the District of Columbia. Anne Fairfax owned some of this land so George had the Government buy the property at twice the price and then I picked up a kick back from her in an alley In Fredericksburg.

The Indians in Ohio were acting up against hey attacked and killed several Army expeditions. George sent a large force of soldiers under a guy he called Mad Anthony. Apparently Mad Anthony was always talking to himself and waving guns around. George Washington sent him out into the Ohio wilderness with a well trained and armed force. The Forces under General Anthony soon defeated the Indians militarily. George Washington knew that the Indians would soon regroup. What are you going to do? I asked. Well Fall Guy I have a great idea we will use the old bait and switch of a treaty. The bait is a peace treaty and the switch is we kill you and take the rest of the land we promised you later, Ahh, ha. Ha. Ha laughed President Washington. I am a clever old son of a bitch!

George Washington was now President George Washington. George had more security now, a big guy from Puerto Rico named Julio was hired to follow George around. Julio was good guy he loved to drink Rum. We always invited Julio to go to the whore house with us but now George had to sneak in the back way so no one would see him. A President had to maintain a certain public image I think that this was one of the things George liked the least about his new job.

When George would walk down the street people would ask for his autograph. Julio would often make them go away but George was always willing to sign almost anything. He was very popular with the citizens of New York.

George Washington set up a new mail office at the President's residency. To give him something to do and keep him out of the way George had John Adams do all the return correspondence from the public. George would have a staff crank out form letters and it was John Adams job to lick the envelopes on the bags of mail that came in. Ha! Ha! Ha! Said George that will keep that fuddy duddy Adams out of our way.

George Washington sat up a Supreme Court. He told each justice before he nominated them to the high court to promise that they would never pass a law to make Marijuana or Drunk Carriage driving illegal. Each Judge swore that not in his life time would either of these things happen.

One day we were stumbling out of one of those new Asian places that seemed to be popping up all over the island of Manhattan. Manhattan Island was growing by leaps and bounds. A boy was walking along the other side of the street when a carriage came roaring down the street. Julio pushed President Washington out of the way as the carriage jumped the sidewalk. The carriage then swerved to the other side of the street and ran up on the sidewalk. The boy had his head smashed by the carriage wheel. The driver was very drunk as he stumbled down to see what he had done. The boys head now looked like a crushed Tomato. Soon the Police arrived and they arrested the drunk carriage driver. Wow that is terrible said George Washington. The next day he proposed a new law against intoxicated driving and passed the first D.U.I law. George had changed his mind about drunk carriage driving but he was firm on his thinking about Marijuana.

Washington began to think about his legacy. He proposed that a new town be built closer to Virginia to accommodate all federal officials. It was proposed that the town in the District of Columbia be called Washington. George did not resist the idea, he said to me Damned Fall Guy who would have thought a mother fucker like me would get his own city named after him. Damned I am big time!

Alexander Hamilton was George Washington's Treasury secretary. George told me that those Wall Street bastards were even smarter than the lawyers were. He said that the lawyers were probably the second most clever group of guys in the World after the Hedge Fund guys. I was to stoned to understand what he was talking about at the time. George said that Alexander was useful in something called cooking the books so we would keep a good finance guy handy. Alexander was not prone to drinking or smoking dope he only took a little in moderation. He did like whores though so that was one of his good qualities that me and George both liked about him. Alexander cooked up one financial scheme after another and I think all the guy thought about was Money twenty four seven. George took to calling him Doctor Cash Register. I liked the nickname but I couldn't call him that because I didn't want him to call me nigger.

George had the idea of slowly abolishing Slavery. He knew that this was an important thing to me. I had several bastard children back home in Virginia. I do not know the number as when you get on a whiskey drunk and go down to the slave quarters, what happens in the slave shack stays down in the slave shacks. I would like my unknown number of Children to be free some day. The Senators basically told George to stick it up his ass and that was the end of it.

Hamilton and Jefferson did not get along at all. I am not sure why they hated each other so much but George Washington had to stop them from fist fighting several times during meetings. I liked Thomas Jefferson he would always send over a case of those damned bottled grapes he loved so much. Thomas would also send over some of the highest grade hydroponics Marijuana that he had grown down on his farm in Virginia. George Washington and Thomas Jefferson would often compare strains of their Marijuana and give each other growing tips. George said that Thomas had been banging his housekeeper and they had several milk chocolate children together. He said not to tell anyone about Thomas and his illegitimate children running around his plantation. George said he should have used a glove and laughed.

George had to have Julio sometimes go down to the Caribbean islands. There were something down there called offshore banks that Mr. Rothsteinman had told George about. George said that he liked the idea of hiding your money outside of prying eyes. George said the Government wouldn't ever be able to tax all his Marijuana money if he got it out of this Country. Julio met with some shady guys from Switzerland that operated a branch office on one of the Islands.

George Washington was authorized to have the Government purchase some land in the District of Columbia. Anne Fairfax owned some of this land so George had the Government buy the property at twice the price and then I picked up a kick back from her in an alley In Fredericksburg.

The Indians in Ohio were acting up again.T hey attacked and killed several Army expeditions. George sent a large force of soldiers under a guy he called Mad Anthony. Apparently Mad Anthony was always talking to himself and waving guns around. George Washington sent him out into the Ohio wilderness with a well trained and armed force. The Forces under General Anthony soon defeated the Indians militarily. George Washington knew that the Indians would soon regroup. What are you going to do? I asked. Well Fall Guy I have a great idea we will use the old bait and switch of a treaty. The bait is a peace treaty and the switch is we kill you and take the rest of the land we promised you later, Ahh, ha. Ha. Ha, laughed President Washington. I am a clever old son of a bitch!

Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton were back to fighting each other. This time Hamilton wanted to set up a bank. Washington liked to idea because he said it would be a license to run up debts against the other countries and never pay them. Ha, Ha, Ha, chuckled President Washington we can run up debts and never pay them. I just pray that the future Presidents do not get carried away with it or the other nations of the World might eventually call bullshit when they realize were not ever going to pay them back.

Alexander Hamilton won the fight. Soon enough he had the printing presses working twenty four seven. George had him printing something called bonds that they did not intend to ever pay back. I did not understand it and put it in the white people bullshit compartment of my mind. I did understand that old Alex Hamilton guy was a Gangster.

Alexander Hamilton came up with the idea to put a tax on Whiskey makers. Out in Pennsylvania the whiskey makers got really pissed about this. What should we do Fall Guy George Washington asked me. Well sir lets flip a coin if its heads you shoot them and take their shit with the military and if its tails repeal the tax. Damned good plan Fall Guy said George Washington as he flipped a coin that he had in his pocket. It landed squarely on heads. There ass is grass said George Washington.

The Whiskey distillers were ready to put up a fight. The farmers in Western Pennsylvania used their left over corn to make a low grade whiskey. George Washington said that the quality did not matter as long as it kicked you in the ass after you drank some of it. The farmers were really pissed about having to pay taxes on their home brewed liquor.

George Washington had several state Governors raise militia men to form a force. Virginia, Maryland and New Jersey raised about ten thousand troops. George Washington was ready to lead them to battle. This will be a great election stunt Fall Guy he said to me. We will ride out and put a foot up those hillbillies backsides and then cruise to reelection victory.

George Washington was in his tent the night before the Army was to March into Western Pennsylvania. We had ate some bean soup for dinner. Oh My bowls feel as though they are the windows of heaven pouring rain said George Washington as he ran for the outhouse. Oh the devil has cursed me with a wicked case of the shits. George Washington said from the outhouse that he would not be able to lead the men into battle with such a bad case of the shits and someone else would have to do it. He decided that Harry Lee could do it and the next day set out for Philadelphia.

The Army Of The United States marched into Pennsylvania but there was no battle. The rebels gave up and disbanded as soon as they heard the Army was coming. The next week a few of the leaders of the rebellion were arrested and sentenced to hang. George Washington decided it would be a good public relations move to pardon both of them. It makes me look like the good guy was George Washington's explanation.

An aide to President Washington rushed into the executive quarters study room. Me and George Washington were washing down our dinner with a glass of Tennessee's finest bourbon. Mr. President, the niggers on the island of Haiti are running amok. It seems that they for God knows what reason do not want to work on the plantation for free anymore. The King of France is asking for your help. I will have to think about it said George Washington. I will tell you my answer in the morning, and you can refer it to Mr. Jefferson.

Fall Guy this is a tough one I don't give a shit about Haiti but on the other hand the South 's delegation in The Congress will demand I take action. Sir I said don't people deserve to have freedom. You don't know what its like to live in captivity. You're a good man George and you must know that this is wrong.

Well I guess it is Fall Guy. But as a white man It is my duty to put a foot up their ass when and how I can. Get me the military advisors. With that I ran down the hall of the executive mansion and knocked on the door of Secretary Of War Henry Knox.

Me and Henry Knox walked back to President Washington's office. Knox get your ass in here now said President Washington. Knox the niggers oh sorry Fall Guy but as I was saying the niggers are acting up in Haiti. It seems that they do not want to do their God given duty and be slaves anymore. I just cannot understand all this foolishness. I am going to need you to raise a force and go down their and kill all those mother fuckers.

George I said why cant you just leave the black folks on Haiti alone. Their really not hurting you and I don't blame them for acting up. Working in a sugar field in the middle of August for free is probably not much of a life. I see your point said George Washington.

George Washington and I were very good friends. Our friendship began to change his mind about slavery. When I die I am going to free the slaves at Mt Vernon he told me. I cannot do much about it as a national issue Fall Guy. The South depends on the workers to do the shitty field work that they don't want to do or are most unwilling to do. One of the rules of delegation for a boss is never do something yourself when you can make someone else do it for you. I am most at conflict with this in my heart Fall Guy. I wonder if they debate these tough moral issues at the new business school at Harvard. I need one of those Wall Street bastards to help guide my conscience.

Fall Guy run down the hall and take one of the Secret Service guys with you. Go up to New York City and get me a Wall Street Guy. Try to find the smartest one I need some advice on this nigger problem I am having.

I went up to the Island of Manhattan with Billy the security dude. Billy was a great guy. We stopped at the strip club called Colonial Dolls. It was one of the best ones because Mr. Rothsteinman the shady Jewish friend of President Washington owned it. We had several mugs of beer and got a few lap dances. My ears rang from all the loud fiddle music as we walked down to a brokerage house called the Goldman Company. We need a smart guy to give President Washington some advice. With that we were directed to director Lloyds office. Lloyd we need your help. Lloyd was the smartest guy on Wall Street and that's why he was in charge. Lloyd said that he was in charge because he had won a penis measuring contest behind the buttonwood trees and his penis was bigger than any other broker. We traveled to Philadelphia to meet with President Washington. When we arrived George Washington had Wall Street Lloyd shown into his office.

Mr. Lloyd I have an economic problem. The Southerners' are putting pressure on me to do something about the slave revolt in Haiti. I do not know exactly what I should do. I know the South is worried about the niggers getting uppity here. What do you think I should do.

Mr. Lloyd said that well Mr. President you can never compete on price with something that is Free so you better keep slavery and do what the South wants. You own a plantation in Virginia sir and it wont be good for your bottom line if you have to start paying the help. Have you calculated Mr. President how much it would cost a year to pay a labor force to run your plantation. Well No said George Washington

There is no way Congress would end slavery in America no matter said George Washington. I am damned sure not going to dig into my own coin purse while I am alive and have to pay my help. Fuck that their staying enslaved as long as old George is running things. So Mr. Lloyd what should I do about Haiti. I will maybe free my own slaves after I am dead and it no longer matters to me but no way in hell am I lobbying for this political loser of an issue while I am alive.

Banker Lloyd told George Washington that the situation in Haiti could be a problem. If the blacks are successful in Haiti how long would it be before the word spreads and they act up here. I know what to do said George, I will send Canon and lots of grape shot to the white Government of Haiti. George sent several boats of canons and ammo but the White Government was not able to maintain their hold on power because in France there was political trouble. Word came from our spies that revolution was in the air.

In France there was a revolution breaking out. Thomas Jefferson thought we should help the French but George Washington said no. We are to young and weak of a country to get involved in European squabbles. Intelligence officers brought a report that said the King of France had been Guillotined. I guess he is a little shorter said President Washington. Ha! Ha! Get it Fall Guy a little shorter at the neck by a few inches.

England was fighting France again. The British were seizing American Ships. Those British bastards are stealing our shit! Declared George Washington. Some of the cabinet members thought we should declare war against England. No we better not do that we have some good things going and I don't want to risk my reelection said George Washington. I still cannot believe we won the first war so better not push our luck and fuck everything up.

Mr. Jefferson got really mad when George Washington would not take the French side in their fight with England. Go stick it up your fat ass Washington, with that he quit his job as Secretary of State. Damned said George I will hire Attorney General Edmund Randolph to do the job. If you need a good bulls hitter to work out negotiations you hire a lawyer.

The French wanted to have the Americans join them in a fight against their enemy England. The British wanted the Americans to remain neutral. George told Secretary Randolph to see what he could get from each side. The French offered a boat full of wine and the English offered a boat full of barrels of Guinness beer. Damned I will take the Guinness said George. It really helps with cotton mouth after I get my smoke on. Soon the boat arrived and the barrels were brought to the executive quarters in Philadelphia. We had good beer to drink every night. Ben Franklin got so drunk he urinated himself on several occasions.

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It turned out that Secretary Randolph had a big wine cellar at his house. The French had been bribing him with good bottles of Wine to advocate their point of view. He had been trying to make a deal that favored France. George Washington signed the peace treaty to remain neutral in return for the boatload of barrels of beer. That damned traitor said George Washington. He had Secretary Randolph recalled and fired. The United States was now neutral and at peace with England.

Off the coast of Africa, pirates were attacking American ships. Those fucking swashbuckling sons of bitches railed Washington upon hearing the news. I would plant my boot in their asses if I had a Navy. The problem was America did not yet have a Navy.

George Washington proposed building a Navy. The money was approved by the Congress and the ships were built. The problem was there were no men to serve on them. George said Only gay guys join the Navy because who wants to be locked away on a floating sausage party for months at a time. I have an idea George I said Why don't we put a few whores on each boat that the men could share, she could earn a better wage than on some street corner of downtown Philadelphia. She would have a built in customer base. That's a Damned good idea Fall Guy said George Washington. I will have the New York City police bust some whores then we will force them into the service of our Nation.

George Washington and myself took a carriage to New York City. We went down to the local jail and told the constable lead us to your whores men. There were a few hot Irish girls who had been busted plying their trade near forty second street. There were also some large barge Marge types who had a total weight of three thousand pounds. George Washington said that's a lot of love for a half dozen girls. They were immediately sworn into the service of their country. Most of those Navy guys are homo's anyhow so that should be plenty. George Washington had created the first special forces division of the Military. Fall Guy real men join the Army, with that he let out a big roar of a laugh.

George Washington made a deal with the Pasha of Tripoli. He was the big cheese over in his sand trap of a country. It turned out that he was into plus sized women. I got an Idea said George. He had the military kidnap some really big English girls all at least four hundred or better pounds. He sent them on an express boat to Tripoli and the Pasha was most pleased. He agreed he would trade five fat girls a year for his personal guarantee of no piracy toward The United States. Upon getting the news George Washington said Damned I am good, feels good to be the boss. Fall Guy sometimes you have to do wrong to do right.

An ambassador from Spain wrote a letter to George Washington, soon after the deal to trade Fat sex slaves for no more piracy was made. Spain would like to be friends with the United States. After receiving the message Washington sent an ambassador to try and work out a deal for both sides. A deal was worked out and the United States got to use the Mississippi river with no restrictions. George agreed to let the Spanish continue to have Florida. Damned Fall Guy I really want that land because I have a feeling condo box houses will be big down there. I guess we will just have to stay on the other side of the tracks and continue to sell drugs and liquor. There will always be opportunity in vice Fall Guy.

One of the best things to come out of the Spanish deal was that Spain betrayed the Indians. The King of Spain would not sell the tribes any more guns or gun powder. You see Fall Guy sometimes those natives won't fall for the old peace treaty trick so we have to be direct about it. I find the direct approach of killing them and taking their shit to be preferable when dealing with hostile natives. George Washington laughed I told yaw I'm a mother fucking gangster in this bitch.

The Indians tried to fight as best as they could with their knives and bow and arrows. Cannon were brought in with wagons of grape shot to help seal the real estate negotiations. It took a few thousand native dead but the Indians agreed to close on the sale of the property under President Washington's terms. George Washington got the natives he didn't have the Army massacre to sign another peace treaty. He had several of the treaties already preprinted and all the negotiators had to do was fill in the words that needed changing. President Washington you sure are smart I said. I know Fall Guy its called a form letter and I think it really has potential.

After eight long years President Washington was getting tired. Fall Guy I think it is time for us to return to Virginia. The Congress wants me to serve a third term and I do not want to do it. I said well George why don't you Just tell them that you do not want to do it. That's a good plan Fall Guy I will go write a note telling them to stick it up their ass right away.

George wrote a first draft of his farewell address. It said Go fuck yourself you sons of bitches. I told him after reviewing it that maybe their could be a softer way of leaving the Presidency behind. Yes you are right said George Washington. He went back to his office and came up with a much better farewell address.

George Washington wrote an address to the nation advising the country to stay out of foreign entanglements in Europe. He also advised against the formation of National political parties. I fear Fall Guy that some day both parties will turn into a group of dumb asses and they will fuck up the country. Men cannot find fault with each other and constantly bicker or nothing can be accomplished.

Trade among Nations is good for all. It will make us richer as a nation. I fear that someday Fall Guy the Mexican cartels will undercut our Marijuana prices and put us out of a job. I fear that this day never comes. It is a good thing we have a big desert between our nations. Ha ,Ha, they will never cross that thing alive. Its over one hundred degrees every day out their I am told by our scouts. I hear that they have big cartels in Mexico who can undercut our prices as well, good thing we don't have to worry about them too much. We really have a lock on the European narcotics market by hiding the drugs in the bottom of the flour barrels. Those dumbass English customs guys will never catch on to that one.

When George Washington said he did not want a third term of office John Adams was elected our nations second president. I don't know why I say our nation when it is really yours and people of color are left holding the bed pans. Well Fall Guy it has been real but it is time for us to move on.

George went down to the Congress and delivered a good speech of advise. I will miss you crooked bastards said George Washington. If you are ever down my way in Virginia stop by and have a stiff drink at the plantation. George Washington received applause all around as he left Philadelphia. It is time that we go back to Mount Vernon Fall Guy. The luggage was packed and the next morning we left public life.

I was riding along with George Washington through the Maryland country side. Suddenly something sharp poked me in the butt. I looked down and rapped inside of towels were silver forks and knives. What is this George I asked. Oh on the way out I stole the good silverware laughed George Washington. Its no big deal the tax payers can by that fat ass Adams a new set George said.

We were on the long trip home. Well Fall Guy that president shit was fun but now it is time to get back to Virginia. We have lost a lot of money serving the dumb asses of the public, the shit we looted from them is nothing compared to what the years of service lost us in revenue. When we get back we will hit the streets hard and sell a ton of crack and marijuana. It is time for us to make bank. I agree George I said.

Martha ran out to greet our carriage when we returned home. To celebrate we had a big game of beer pong. A slave named Toby had been acting up according to the field boss. He had only worked fifteen hours a day, six days a week, and he refused to do any more work. George Washington had him tied to a post and we took turns striking him with the horse whip. It was fun to hear him scream but George got carried away and he died from blood loss. Damned said George I didn't get my coins worth out of that one. He had the field boss go to the slave market to get two replacements.

Mt Vernon was not in the best shape. George we need to get things in order. George Washington had the idea for spin the beating. A wheel with the name of each slave was placed on a piece of paper, and then attached to a wheel. Every slave man, woman, and child's name was placed on the wooden wheel. The wheel was spun and whoever's name it landed on got a horse whip beating. George would deliver the blow himself until the slave passed out from the pain. After several slave toddlers got a beating the production of farm work increased dramatically. The program was soon ended when the horse whip gave out and broke from the heavy use. Fall Guy go order us a new one tomorrow from the General Store said George Washington.

George Washington decided we were running low on help. To combat this problem a new breeding system was put into place. Every fertile slave woman would be raped at least every other night on the plantation. George Washington figured this would increase the number of slaves on the plantation and thus turn the numbers around.. We soon had to build a new nursery and hire what was called a baby sitter for all the new slave children that would be coming along. I suggested that George Washington give two days off instead of one before a slave girl had to go back to the fields after giving birth.

George Washington decided to build a new distillery. We were making a newer form of corn whiskey. It was called fall on your ass blend and after a few sips you would do just that. Fall Guy the drunks of America are going to love this new blend. They will get much better value for their money with my new one hundred sixty proof blend of corn whiskey.

It did not take long before Mt Vernon was back to profitability. Martha was always in the crack den getting wasted on some rocks. Me and George sat on the porch and played checkers most of the time. The marijuana business was going great. George Washington's land out in West Virginia was pretty much useless because the Indians were constantly raiding and stealing everything on George's frontier properties.

In 1798 the United States was in conflict with France. The tension was growing and many were afraid that it could soon lead to war. President John Adams sent a rider to Mount Vernon. President Adams wanted George Washington to be the commander of American forces and to begin to prepare for a conflict with France. Oh shit Fall Guy I am to old for this soldier bullshit but I guess I accept as they really do not have any Military men of my caliber to lead said George Washington.

George Washington sent notice to Alexander Hamilton that he would be his second in command. Most of the time Hamilton did all the work and George took the credit. George Washington told me that he should write a business school text book and that this was another good lesson. Appoint talented people and then take credit for their accomplishments Damned I am good Fall Guy! Laughed George Washington.

Alexander Hamilton did most of the work training new soldiers for a ground war. Most of the fighting was happening on the sea. The new American Navy was sending quite a few ships from France down the flusher. George Washington had a great idea when he began the construction of a Naval fleet. More fat girls had to be enslaved into service because the Navy was up to twenty two ships. General Washington let Hamilton do most of the work but still took the credit and the pay.

It was December of 1799 and Mount Vernon was preparing for the Christmas Season. The distillery was working overtime to prepare the massive amounts of Alcohol that would be consumed on the two eve's. George Washington decided to take a horse ride to get out of the house for awhile.

George had been drinking heavily that night. He got off of his horse to take a piss behind the tree and the horse galloped off without him. George was several miles from the main house. He had to walk back in freezing snow and hail. By the time he got to his front door he was nearly frozen to death by the brutal sub zero temperatures.

George Washington was so drunk that as he tried to go behind the tree to urinate he pissed himself. The brutal temperatures soon caused the urine to freeze all over the front of his pants. George Washington had to walk about three miles to the house from where he was on the lands of the plantation..

When George arrived at the door he had been outside for hours. He seemed to be suffering from chest pain. I am going to bed I do not feel well said George Washington.

The next morning George Washington did not come down the steps as he would usually do around seven A.M. I went up to check on him and found him laying in bed. He looked very pale and made no effort to get up. Oh I feel very bad said George Washington. I went back down stairs to tell Martha Washington. Martha said we better send for the doctor.

Two doctors arrived shortly and we all went up to George Washington's chamber. One doctor looked at George Washington and he told the other doctor, I have been reading some techniques in the Colony Medical Journal that I think might help.

The doctors each took out a razor and cut one each of George Washington' arms/ The idea they said was to bleed the illness out of him. I was unsure about this idea but these two were the doctors and I did not know anything about Medicine. I had heard that Thomas Jefferson had invented a new theory o f law called malpractice. His law firm in Alexandria was apparently making as much as George Washington's marijuana operation. He would run ads asking if you have been injured in the local papers and then sue the party that caused the accident.

George Washington asked to speak with me privately. He could barely whisper now. He told me to get rid of the diaries because the Government had a hit team. Their job was to cleanse the records of Government officials so theta they would be able to make our nations leaders look good upon the passing to the next world. He told me a hit team from Philadelphia would be coming because he was the first president of the United States. It apparently was a practice that originated in ancient Egypt. I understood what he said and I was going to get the hell out of dodge before the hit team arrived.

George Washington told me to only tell lies about his life. I was to say he was honest and a good man. I was to never reveal the diaries I had been keeping of our true adventures. He told me that for a nigger I had been a good servant and that he would miss me. George also said that he was freeing all of the slaves upon his death on the plantation of Mount Vernon. I thought to myself that even though he is my friend that when this cracker kicks it I will be a free man.

George Washington sat upright in the bed. Oh shit I am plugged were his last words. He defecated himself and a fowl wind filled the room. As a doctor ran to open a window to try to dilute the awful smell we realized the first President was dead. The men from the Government later changed his last words to Tis Well but I heard clearly Oh shit I am plugged.

George had taught me one time before about propaganda. Martha was not that upset and she invited me into her chambers. I always wanted to try me some hot chocolate love.. I proceeded to have sexual relations with Martha Washington. I felt a little bad but was soon over it after a stiff drink of bourbon from Washington's best bottle in his study.

I knew that the Government hit team would be coming within a few days. I knew that they would know I was President Washington's personal assistant. I had the knowledge of General Washington's true history. George Washington and I were the only ones who knew we kept diaries. They would change the official record to make the nations first president look good.. I had to get the hell out of town before they arrived.

A funeral was planned for the nations first president. Old George was going to get buried on the grounds of Mount Vernon. I was not going to be attending the funeral as I figured that there would be some Government agents planning my funeral while the services were being held. I was sorry that my friend George was dead but I had to save my own black ass. I figured that life is for the living and George would not have warned me if he was not serious.

I went to the barn and found the secret compartment where George always kept the cash from the Marijuana operation. The slaves were ready to party after hearing the announcement that upon Master Washington's death they were free. I was Interested in stealing as much of the loot as I could and getting the hell out of town.

I took a big burlap bag and stuffed it with all the money that was in the Secret trap door vault. The trap door safe was under a big pile of hay in the corner of the barn. George had stuffed tens of thousands of dollars into that safe. I took as much as I could carry. I then decided that I better go back to the house. I went back to my room and got the diaries I had been keeping all of our lives. This was the true account of the life of General Washington. I stuffed the book into the burlap bag. I used belts to make a backpack out of it in case I needed to run.

I had plenty of cash. I was planning on going up to Toronto, Canada and becoming a pimp. I had always wanted to own a cat house. I was now going to be a free man. I could use all the cash that George had been hiding in the barn to get started. I know that being a pimp was something that I would be good at. I had even been practicing my slap thirty times a day in the mirror.

I went back up to the main house and ran straight to my room. I always kept the journal in the library desk drawer. I grabbed the book and stuffed it in my coat pocket. The account of the true history of George Washington did not need to be found by anyone but me. I was going to hide it in a good safe spot. There was a tree in the Woods that George Washington used to stash a bottle. It was nice to always have a good bottle of booze on the property so you did not have to go all the way back to the main house to have and Irish eye opener. Many times Me and George had went to the tree to have a good drink while we watched the slaves do the hard field work. I was always so glad that I got lucky and ended up as a personal assistant to George Washington.

The stone had been carved until there was a secret compartment inside of it. Anything inside of the compartment would stay dry. I placed the book inside of it. I then sealed it very tightly. I figured that I could always come back and get the diary if I wanted to sell it to the media. I did not really want to turn a fast buck on it and disgrace my friend George.

Now that the diary journal was safely hidden I went back to the main house. I spent the night in Martha Washington's room showing a white girl the charms of a soul brother like myself. This was going to be the end of the road for my time at Mount Vernon. In the morning I would be on my way to a new life as a pimp in a new country. I was thinking about changing my name legal and proper to something more pimp worthy like sweet Johnny or pimping Johnny black.

The plans for Toronto were the last thing that Johnny wrote in the book. He had hidden it in the secret stone compartment in the woods of Virginia. There the book would rest for several hundred years. What poor Johnny did not understand was the long reach of Government secret agencies. A file on Johnny had been kept for years. Our Government leaders could not allow our nations first president have his reputation soiled. If the Government allowed this it would be a stain on the Nations history.

Our first President was really a whore monger and a drunkard. The Americans needed to have a good man in their minds when the pictured our nations first president. As Johnny was saddling his horse to leave Mount Vernon Martha Washington came out to the barn. Oh one more thing said Martha before you leave. She had a large Iron Skillet behind her back. When Johnny turned to see what Martha wanted she brought it down full force upon his head. What are you doing Johnny said as he stumbled back.

I cannot allow you to soil our beloved President. If you fuck up his reputation then you would ruin mine. Martha brought the Skillet down on poor Johnny's head several more times. Johnny's last words were bitch you so crazy. Martha had been contracted to take out Johnny if anything were to happen to the President by Benjamin Franklin.

Franklin could not have anyone knowing about his crack cocaine operation.. If anyone were to find out it would ruin his reputation as a scientist. Franklin was also afraid that he might be expelled from the Royal Science Society and that would cause him to not get a free calendar at Christmas. Every Christmas each member of the Royal Society would get a calendar. Martha made sure that Johnny was a goner and then she ran to the main house. Help me! Help me! Murder most fowl she cried.

Martha Washington told one of the security guys that there was someone dead in the barn. Martha said she seen a black guy about five eight, and one hundred eighty pounds running from the barn. She said she seen a body. When the guards went inside to look they found the corpse of Johnny. He had been killed by Martha Washington.

The next day one of the other slaves who fit Martha's eyewitness account was blamed for the murder and taken to the nearest Oak Tree to be lynched. His last words were I am innocent as the chair was kicked out from under his feet to deliver the neck breaking he had coming to him.

In the Afternoon a funeral was held for President Washington. All of the important people from Washington had traveled to Mount Vernon. Johnny and the slave were buried behind the manure pile behind the big barn. It was easier on the grave diggers to just have to dig one grave for the both of them with all the hoopla over the deceased President.

A preacher from the local church said some words about former President George Washington. After he had rambled for about twenty minutes the President's body was placed inside of the Tomb. The doors were shut and that was the last all living at the time seen of the corpse of President Washington.

Martha had murdered Johnny to protect the reputation of herself and Ben Franklin. Ben Franklin gave her enough crack for twenty years in return for her service. Within a few years not a soul remembered George Washington's servant who he affectionately referred to as fall guy. Johnny took the fall many times. for old Washington and it is doubtful he would have climbed as far as he did in American Politics if it were not for his servant Johnny

`

Eddie Longneck finished reading the diary. He looked down at his no signal cell phone and realized he had been reading the book for five hours. Wow this one was a little tougher than the last one he had read which he thought was the Little Engine That Could but he could not remember. He was not sure if a copy of High Times or Hustler counted in the literary world.

I bet I could sell this book for a lot of money. I cannot believe what an ass our first President was. Fall guy seemed like an okay guy. I cannot believe I found this book it is like winning the lottery if it is real thought Eddie.

Eddie packed up his supplies and now his buzz was starting to wear off. To dope heads like Eddie Longneck a minute spent sober is a wasted minute. Eddie Longneck rolled himself another Marijuana Joint, and immediately sparked it up. He carefully placed the book he had found into his back pack.

Eddie Longneck began the long walk back to his car. The music of some rap guy named Fat Tony and a song called BKNY pumped through is headphones. This rap shit is pretty good when your really high thought Eddie.

The humidity was high and the walk back to the car was long. Finally Eddie made it back to his chariot. A used 2007 Mini Van was not exactly a Lexus but it got the job done. Eddie figured he could buy a new Harley Davidson with his new found wealth that he would obtain from selling the diary that he had found.

As Eddie left the State Of Virginia parkland to go home he thought about all he knew about George Washington. Eddie could sum up what he knew as that George was on the dollar and he was the first president.

To be honest George had always seemed like a stiff to him. The Washington that he had discovered in the diary seemed like a much cooler guy. I never knew that Tommy Jefferson and old George liked to get high. Wow I have something in common with a President thought Eddie.

Eddie sped along the highway thinking about his new found treasure. I bet the shit is not real. It is probably like a lot of that bullshit on eBay. You know the stuff like Elvis Presley's used underwear and The Haunted Dolls. It is probably some bull shit.

The next day Eddie got up early. He had not told anyone about what he had found. He figured if it was worth a lot that he would be watching Paris Hilton in a tiny bikini by a poolside in South Beach, Miami inside of a month. Eddie could just taste the Rum hit his tongue as he sunned himself by that pool. He thought that perhaps the Goddess who in his mind was Paris might even speak to him sometime.

Eddie was trying to think of what to do with the book. He remembered that a few nights ago when he was channel surfing that there was going to be an antique highway show down in Washington, D.C. He thought maybe I should go over there and see what it is worth. First he thought I will go to the Library at the University Of Virginia and find one of those smart guys to tell me about George Washington and his friend Johnny.

Eddie arrived at the University Of Virginia at Charlottesville. He parked his car and began the long walk across campus to the library. Damned I wish I had been smart enough to go here he thought to himself, I bet there are some really good drugs on this campus.

Eddie came to the library. He was amazed at the stacks and stacks of books. He found his way to the floor where they keep the history books. A young man was shelving books in one of the Virginia history section aisles. Hey dude said Eddie do you know anything about George Washington. Why yes I do said the young man, my name is David how may I help you.

Well Dave do you know if George Washington had a personal assistant. David answered that he had never heard of an assistant named Johnny and the story was probably a load of steaming hot bullshit. Well how did you here of this guy asked David. I actually wrote my thesis on George Washington and Colonial Economics and I can assure you this is bullshit.

Thanks for your time, I kind of figured that was what I was going to find out. Eddie left the campus a little disappointed about his find. He did not show the book to anyone as he was being very careful about who he showed it to. He had also heard about some dumb ass divers down in Florida that had found some Spanish gold and then lost it when the Government took it away from them.

Eddie went home and sparked up a big bowl of Marijuana. He wondered as the buzz crept up into his mind what would George Washington have done if he were him. George would probably go find someone smart to ask about the book was his thought. His next thought was wow Cheetos were really good and he should have got some when he were out. I wonder how many whores the first President banged he laughed to himself.

After yet another fine evening of substance abuse and burning up the maximum number of brain cells for a night, Eddie went to bed. He woke up early and decided it was time to make a trip over to Washington, D.C. Eddie was going to go over to that antique highway show. The one that ran on public broadcast. It was something to watch when Joe Francis was not running a commercial on late night television for Girls Gone Wild. Eddie really liked Joe Francis and he thought I bet that's how George Washington would roll if he lived in today's time. No thought Eddie he would probably do it Hugh Hefner style because Joe Francis wouldn't be big enough for a player like George.

Eddie drove down to the city. When he arrived at the Verizon Center the hardest thing was to find a place to park. Antiques Highway was a very popular show. There were huge lines of people. Eddie took a look at the lines and he thought about turning back but then he had another vision of himself drink in hand with Paris by the pool.

Eddie went into the Verizon Center. Eddie knew that this was the place that the Capitals played hockey. Eddie made his way up to one of the big tables and he was given a number. After about two hours his number wa announced over the intercom. Eddie made his way toward the door that had his advisor over the top of the frame. Eddie signed several release papers that he did not understand upon entering the room. A makeup girl splashed some paint on his face to give him some color and he entered the next room.

Hello sir my name is Steve the Antique guy. Hi my name is Eddie and what I have today is this book I found in a tree.

Wow Eddie said Steve that is a strange book can I take a look at it. Why sure said Eddie, what I wanted to know is it worth anything?

This is an old book said Steve. Where did you find it Eddie. Eddie than went into his story about walking along in the woods and finding the book. Well there is good news and bad news said Steve, which would you like first. Well how about the bad news we get it over with. The book is a fake said Steve. Okay said Eddie what is the good news. The good news is that there are collectors of this sort of shit and I happen to be one of them. I have something that a guy brought in earlier that you may be interested in. He then brought out an Autographed copy of a Kiss album.

This is signed by Gene Simmons it is his first solo record. Wow said Eddie it is signed by Gene Simons himself! Why yes it is said Steve. Steve had a guy who signed all of the real autographed albums with Genes name on them that he sold on EBay. It even had a real certificate of Authenticity from Old Hollywood Antiques that he printed himself on the home printer.

If it is agreeable to you Eddie I would be willing to trade you this real autographed record from Gene Simmons for your Book. I think you could get probably a bunch of money off of it by selling the authentic autographed album on EBay. Eddie figured that a real autograph on EBay with a Certificate Of Authenticity as proof it was real would be worth a fortune. Eddie figured he could sell the autographed collectible for a million dollars. No one gives a shit about George Washington but Gene Simmons is still a star Eddie thought to himself. Steve you have yourself a deal!

Steve had to keep himself from busting up laughing. He had always thought those stoner guys like Eddie were really a crop of dumb asses. Eddie had proven that his thinking was right all along. Even if the book was not real it was worth way more than a phony autograph with a fake piece of paper from EBay. Anyone who buys autographs on EBay is a fool though Steve.

A few years later scientists were able to carbon date the book. A Hedge Fund manager in New York Bought the diary for seven million dollars. Eddie put his record on eBay and it sold for twenty five dollars but Eddie had to give free shipping to Moscow which cost him twenty two dollars. Eddie made three dollars on the transaction. Steve retired to a small cottage in the South Of France.

Eddie never made anything of his life. His claim to fame was finding the book that changed the History of the United States in a Tree in Virginia but he had no proof. This caused Eddie to begin to drink heavily. He died from liver failure ten years later. The bitterness of selling his treasure for a fake Gene Simmons autograph stuck with him for the rest of his days. Eddie also was infuriated that he had agreed to pay the shipping on the album not realizing how high foreign postage was. Eddies last words were EBay sucks there needs to be an alternative.

Steve had a fine life after he was lucky enough to find a dumb ass like Eddie to give him a piece of History for a fake autographed album. Eddie was able to go to the right researchers and find the birth records of slaves on Mount Vernon. The records proved that their was a guy named Johnny but not any of the other stuff. If nothing else it was a really fun story about George Washington. A used crack pipe was discovered during an archeological dig at Mount Vernon. It had Martha Washington/s initials engraved on the handle and a small amount of cocaine residue was found in the tip of the pipe.

When the crack pipe was found it caused sales of the diary to spike and Steve sat back to count his millions. He went on the speaking circuit at universities across the world where he was paid even more money to talk about theories on the life of Washington. The public had a mixed reaction to the book. Most people thought that it was tabloid journalism and was probably made up by the same guys that write for the National Enquirer.

Steve never had to do Antiques Highway again. He was able to live off of the royalties and speaking fees he earned off of the diary of Johnny. Steve was big fan of George Washington and he had always wished and wondered what the true story really was of Johnny. The portrait that kids where taught of an honest. Upstanding. President George Washington did not seem to line up with his assistant Johnny's account of his life.

If nothing else Steve had given the World a true account and an alternative look at what George Washington was really like. George was a hard guy to really know and the diary's version of George seemed somehow more likeable and down to earth. Steve lived to be One Hundred and Four thinks to good health insurance from the earnings of the book.

