-Hey, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show"
at-home edition.
It is me, Jimmy Fallon,
wishing you the best night
and sleep that you're gonna get
after this 'cause
usually when I read some jokes,
you doze off, and that's fine.
You're allowed to do that.
You can do whatever you want.
I'm just here to let you know
that I'm just here.
That's all. That's what I wanted
to let you know.
And it's almost Friday,
which basically means
it's almost Saturday, Sunday,
and Monday is Memorial Day
and so hopefully some people
get the day off on Monday.
But thank you so much
for watching.
Let's get to some jokes here
and some news.
You guys, it's almost summer
and now
that more states
are reopening,
the CDC has released
safety recommendations
for using public pools.
Yep, if you haven't seen them,
it is just a sign that says,
"Eh, I wouldn't."
You could.
I wouldn't.
They're also advising people
not to not wear masks
while in the water.
I think that's a good call
actually because if you thought
spotting a Band-Aid floating
in the water was gross,
imagine a pool filled with
used face masks.
I think Band-Aids
still freak me out,
even if it's my Band-Aid.
I know what's in it.
Even if it's a little cut
and Neosporin and the Band-Aid,
but if it slips off
and that loop floats towards me,
it might as well be a shark.
It's the -- It would honestly
make me not want to swim again.
Eww!
What if it's small and there
aren't any children in the pool?
It's like someone's
pinky toe Band-Aid.
What? Eww!
Barf.
Barf.
Both Johnson & Johnson got sick.
Today President Trump toured
a Ford
manufacturing plant in Michigan.
He spoke about the coronavirus,
jobs,
and his plans
to pardon Lori Loughlin.
"Aunt Becky has been treated
terribly, very terribly."
That's right.
Everyone is talking about this.
It came out today that Lori
Loughlin has changed her mind
and agreed to plead guilty in
the college admission scandal.
That's right.
Loughlin finally decided to do
what's right
after a heart-to-heart talk
with Bob Saget.
"Hey, kiddo.
You got a second?"
Loughlin will serve two months
in prison, pay a $150,000 fine,
and this is rough -- she has to
do 100 hours of Hallmark movies.
I like those movies.
-We love those.
-I like -- I say like because --
-Because you actually love.
-I really do love.
I love a Hallmark movie.
I don't even know --
Have I seen Lori Loughlin
in a Hallmark movie?
I've seen Candice Cameron.
I don't know.
What's my favorite Hallmark one?
Oh, it's "Single Santa
Seeks Mrs. Claus."
Steve Guttenberg. Classic.
Crystal Bernard.
-Crystal Bernard.
-Oh, I love that one.
I love Hallmark movies.
I'm saying it like
I'm the only person
like it's a bizarre thing.
Everyone loves Hallmark movies.
Right?
-I think so.
-I do.
-I do.
-Yesterday in Michigan, barbers
gave haircuts
outside the capitol
in a new protest
called Operation Haircut.
Years from now when I look back
at all the great protests
in our nation's history,
I will always think about
the Boston Tea Party,
the March on Washington,
and, of course,
Operation Haircut.
Well, the NBA might try to
resume their season
by playing all the games
at Disney World.
Here's how it will work.
The players wait in line
for three hours
then the game lasts two minutes.
A new report found that
canceling college football
this season would result
in the loss of $4 billion.
That's crazy.
That's like taking all the money
college football players
will make this year
and adding $4 billion.
Kellogg's is releasing
a Fruit Loops --
Are we doing this joke?
Alright.
Kellogg's is releasing
a Fruit Loops and Frosted Flakes
mashup cereal.
Yeah, Frosted Flakes
and Fruit Loops in the same box.
It should be better than
the Honey Nut Cheerios
Grape Nuts mashup -- Nut-Nuts.
I would eat that too.
I love Grape Nuts.
I don't like soggy Grape Nuts.
That's up there with Band-Aids.
However, Grape Nut ice cream?
We'll have that conversation.
We'll walk down
that road together.
Well, a pair of scientists said
that they found 47 traits
that make flirting effective.
When people said they want
to see the results,
scientists were like,
"You want to see the results."
"No, I want to see the results."
"You can see them.
You can see all the results
if you want.
Do you want to wear
my lab jacket?
You don't have to."
You take the lab jacket off
and you put it over the person
and they're on the swing set.
♪ What would you
do if I sang ♪
Hey, I saw that tomorrow Pacman
turns 40 years old.
Like a lot of 40-year-olds,
he went in for a checkup
and his doctor was like,
"I'm going to need you
to cut back on the dots
and the ghosts
and stuff like that.
Can you do that for me?"
"I'm really only having like one
or two dots a week."
Okay.
Finally, this is a great story.
I heard about a runner
who finished 19 marathons
in 19 days
to raise money
for coronavirus relief.
Then tomorrow he's running
a 20th marathon
to raise money
for his bloody nipples.
Everybody, that's the monologue
right there.
Thank you very, very much.
What a show we have tonight.
You know her.
You love her.
You can't live without her.
11 seasons on "Modern Family,"
oh, my goodness.
Sofia Vergara is on the show,
and now she's a judge
on "America's Got Talent."
She probably thought she
was getting a little time off.
No, no, no.
Life doesn't work like that.
We need more Sofia Vergara.
We love you.
And now she's doing my show.
She's raising money for
kiva.org, which is very cool.
Thank you, Sofia,
for doing the show.
We also have Steve Coogan
and Rob Brydon,
two super-funny human beings,
and this is their last --
I don't know if you have seen
"The Trip,"
but there is like
three of them now.
This is the last "Trip" is
coming out tomorrow on demand.
They go to Greece,
and I cannot wait to watch that.
It is like having
a conversation at dinner
with two of
the funniest humans ever.
So I'll have a conversation
with them later on Zoom.
And then to close out the show
music-wise,
ooh, from Australia,
Courtney Barnett!
That's my girl.
That's my girl.
Courtney Barnett.
I love her, man.
Hey, tonight we have
a really cool thing.
I know I'm from New York.
Born and raised in New York,
but Pizza Hut
has always kind of been there
for me.
You know that, honey.
I still order Pizza Hut.
I love it.
It's hard to find in the city,
but I find it
and I love it so much.
And this is a cool thing.
Actually Pizza Hut is where
I used to go with my parents
when we had
good nights out like
if I was celebrating something,
like even I would say like
graduation or something.
It was a major deal to go out
to dinner at Pizza Hut.
Me and my sister
would have a booth.
My mom always wanted a booth.
"Do you have any booths?
I only want to eat in a booth."
Okay.
"Yeah. I'm not even hungry."
Well, a booth opened.
"Okay. We'll take it."
And they would sit and then
we'd go play Pacman, who's --
Anyways, Pizza Hut
is doing this cool thing
because you know what?
They love the graduates,
and I love the graduates of 2020
and, man,
you got a raw deal this year.
No real graduation for you guys
and no real prom,
and Pizza Hut wanted to,
I don't know, wanted to make it
a little bit cooler for you.
So guess what.
They've giving out
500,000 pizzas
to graduates of 2020
and their families.
500,000 pizzas.
So if you want, go to
pizzahut.com/gradparty,
and they're going to use
the contactless curbside pickup
for this.
So thank you to America's
dairy farmers
and for Pizza Hut
for doing this cool thing,
and congratulations,
class of 2020.
You know we love you.
That's pretty, pretty cool.
Oh, you know what?
I forgot to do this.
Pretend you didn't hear that.
Hey, guys.
It's Jimmy Fallon
talking to you.
This is for the graduates.
So if you are not a graduate of
2020, please leave the room.
Graduates, this was a tough one.
You deserve everything.
And you know what?
Pizza Hut is there for you.
They want you
to have everything.
If you go to
pizzahut.com/gradparty,
they're going to give -- well,
they're not gonna give you --
but they're gonna give,
in total,
500,000 pizzas to you guys
to have a little party
because you deserve it.
Thank you, Pizza Hut, and
thank you, graduates of 2020.
♪ Thank you so much ♪
♪ Thank you ♪
Alright. Here we go.
