Some experts call them inhuman, along with
psychopaths and sociopaths, because of their
significant lack of empathy, and immense capacity
for destruction.
They don’t fight shy of systematic abuse,
and often leave a trail of misery when they
move from prey to prey.
And those who are associated with them, let
it be family, friends, spouses, coworkers,
business partners, are left disillusioned
and, in many cases, crushed.
Along with the lack of empathy, goes a lack
of personal responsibility.
The environment they destroyed, ironically,
also gets the blame for it, while they, themselves,
seem to get out unscathed.
Or, so it seems.
Because how can something be damaged when
it’s already broken?
I’m talking about a specific group of individuals
also known as people with Narcissistic Personality
Disorder - in short: NPD - or simply referred
to as ‘narcissists’.
So, what’s narcissism?
What are the symptoms and traits?
Where does it come from, and how can we identify
a narcissist?
There’s a lot of hype around narcissism
and NPD; some describe narcissists as real
life demons that are only out there to cause
misery, while others put more emphasis on
that fact that they’re wounded souls that
need healing.
This video is an exploration of the psychology
of narcissism, that will hopefully lead to
a better understanding.
Last decade the term ‘narcissism’ has
become widely popular and as ‘fashionable’
as autism as far as mental health conditions
are concerned.
Narcissism in itself (as opposed to NPD) isn’t
necessarily a mental health disorder, but
more of a character trait that appears as
a pursuit to maintain an idealized self-image.
Narcissism is derived from the mythological
character Narcissus who fell in love with
himself after looking in a pond.
He was so obsessed with his reflection, that
he wasn’t able to part himself from it - a
bit like Gollum and the ring.
So he drowned.
Narcissus, the handsome man that couldn’t
love anyone but himself, therefore, became
the paragon of vanity and self-absorption.
So, is narcissism getting more common nowadays?
According to a German study, there’s empirical
evidence that narcissism is increasing in
Western societies.
They refer to certain symptoms like a change
in language that has become more “I” centered,
not only in books but also in song lyrics.
There’s also a significant increase in people
that call themselves ‘important’, and
there’s a stronger emphasis on fame in TV-shows.
And scores of self-reported grandiose narcissism
among American college students increased
by 30% between 1979 and 2006.
Most people have some narcissistic traits.
Sometimes, it’s great to look in the mirror
and enjoy what we see and to share things
about ourselves with others.
And a little bragging won’t do harm, and
it’s fine to be selfish occasionally.
But there are individuals with such high levels
of narcissism that their behavior has become
extreme and pathological.
If that’s the case, they might be viable
for the diagnosis ‘Narcissistic Personality
Disorder’.
Around 1% of the population has NPD, which
means that a much larger group has narcissistic traits.
There’s a huge difference between narcissism,
including healthy forms of narcissism, and NPD.
People are often quick to label someone a
‘narcissist’, but someone with narcissistic
behavior doesn’t automatically have a personality
disorder.
Some experts tell us that we are currently
experiencing a narcissistic epidemic.
This only gets worse as we live in a society
that’s more and more turning into a narcissistic
playground.
In today’s culture of social media, the
increasing lack of true human connection,
the growing importance of the individual,
and the deification of money and status, it
simply pays to be a narcissist.
Because what a narcissist is looking for,
is a specific form of attention, known as
narcissistic supply, that functions as fuel
for a terribly fragile ego.
Today, everyone can put themselves on display
through various platforms on the internet.
It’s not just easy to acquire this superficial
attention in the form of likes, views, and
comments; the ongoing pursuit of online attention
has become the norm.
For some, it has even become their ultimate
concern.
Now again, not everyone who does this has
a personality disorder.
Many people simply have narcissistic traits,
but they are not out of control, and in some
cases, they’re even helpful.
So, how can we identify a narcissist?
What are the symptoms?
To answer this question, it’s probably best
to explore what mental health professionals
that are trained to diagnose people with NPD,
are up to.
NPD is officially recognized in the Diagnostic
and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders
(in short the DSM) which is often referred
to as the ‘bible’ of psychiatry.
The DSM describes a pervasive pattern of grandiosity,
need for admiration, and lack of empathy,
that all starts in early adulthood.
Officially there are seven criteria, and if
one meets five out of seven, this individual
can be diagnosed with NPD.
According to the DSM, someone with NPD...
(1) Has a grandiose sense of self-importance
(for example, exaggerates achievements and
talents, expects to be recognized as superior
without commensurate achievements).
(2) Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited
success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
(3) Believes that he or she is “special”
and unique and can only be understood by,
or should associate with, other special or
high-status people (or institutions).
(4) Requires excessive admiration.
(5) Has a sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable
expectations of especially favorable treatment
or automatic compliance with his or her expectations.
(6) Is interpersonally exploitative, i.e.,
takes advantage of others to achieve his or
her own ends.
(7) Lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognize
or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
Narcissists can come in the form of tyrants,
exploitative bosses, unfaithful spouses, so-called
‘toxic’ friends, and so forth.
They typically don’t respect boundaries,
and their relationships are entirely based
on what they can get, and not on what they
can give.
Overtime, narcissism has been subdivided into
different types.
Two main distinctions are overt narcissism
and covert narcissism.
The first one is much easier to spot, while
the second one often flies under the radar.
Typical and overt narcissistic traits aren’t
difficult to recognize.
We all know people who are overly arrogant,
have the inclination to show off, and boast
about themselves, and have an insolent sense
of grandiosity.
We see this in some world leaders, who put
more emphasis on their self-proclaimed greatness
than the needs of the people.
However, unfortunately, many narcissists aren’t
so easily recognized, because they tend to
be very manipulative.
This means that they’re masters at keeping
up appearances, and make great first impressions,
and know exactly how to lure in their victims.
They act more covertly, meaning that they
basically crave the same things as the overt
narcissist, and also have a fragile sense
of self.
They’re just much better at hiding it.
So, what are the origins of narcissism?
It’s always difficult to decide where specific
human behavior comes from.
There’s evidence that the origins of narcissism
lay partly in the genes.
But it’s more likely that narcissism is
a consequence of environmental factors.
Parents play a huge role when it comes to
the development of narcissism in a child.
A core characteristic of narcissism is a fragile
sense of self, which is likely the consequence
of parental abuse.
There are many different forms of abuse.
When a child is neglected by overly authoritarian
parents, for example, who love him conditionally
based on performance, the child is abused.
But when a child is put on a pedestal by the
parents, and repeatedly regarded as ‘special,
the child is also abused.
In both cases, he or she gets spoonfed a distorted
reality, which has probably more to do with
the parent’s own need for approval and a
sense of specialness, than the child itself.
Unfortunately, the child is used as a vessel
for the parent’s gratification.
In one way or another, a child that grows
up to be a narcissist has learned that validation
is to be found exclusively outside of them.
They’ve learned that they’re only deserving
of love when they are the best.
Thus, they must be more important than the
average Joe because if they aren’t they
have no value.
So, their lives are built around this craving
for attention that confirms a false self-image,
that could vary from blatant grandiosity to
silent and covert convictions of superiority.
There are some typical narcissistic behaviors
that are destructive to the people around
them, and, eventually to themselves as well.
One of them is that they never apologize and
always blame other people.
Their fragile egos just cannot handle the
idea that they could be wrong, and, therefore,
see apologizing as a form of weakness.
Another one is that they repeatedly put people
down, in order to elevate themselves.
For them, this is just a way to reassure themselves
that they’re better than the rest and, therefore,
worthy.
It’s no surprise that narcissists cannot
handle criticism.
I mean: how dare they, those inferior people,
criticize them!
Another one is gaslighting, which is a form
of psychological abuse, used to make people
doubt themselves.
This could be done by telling lies, projecting
their ugly behaviors, denying that they ever
said certain things, and creating all kinds
of illusions around their victims, so they’ll
question their sanity.
A narcissist might tell you, for example,
that your friends are against you, or your
colleagues think you’re a bad employee,
and that he is the only one who, despite everyone
disapproving of you, will put up with you.
Now, what can you do to protect yourself against
narcissists?
Well, the most common advice that you’ll
encounter is ‘going no-contact’.
This is the best and most effective way to
keep the destructiveness of the narcissist
out of your life.
When going this route, it’s important to
be consistent with this, so you won’t be
tempted to engage with this person again,
who will try to manipulate you back into orbit.
However, chances are that you’re not in
the fortunate position to cut ties completely,
because you cohabitate with this person, or
you work in the same office.
In that case, there’s another strategy called
the Gray Rock Method, and you’ll find a
separate video about this method on this channel.
All in all, as long as there’s enough supply,
the narcissist feels great.
But when it runs out, he or she quickly becomes
desperate for new supply, and often damages
and discards people without mercy, in the
process of achieving it.
There is no question that narcissistic behavior
is manipulative and abusive, but there seems
to be no consensus about the motives of the
narcissist.
Do they wake up in the morning with a conscious
desire to do evil?
Or could it be that they’re so wounded that
they’ve unconsciously developed highly destructive
coping mechanisms, and that they’re hardly
aware of having them?
Thank you for watching.
