(bright, loud music)
- Ole! Arriba, arriba,
andale! Hasta la vista.
♪ I'm in the mood for love ♪
(door slams)
♪ Simply because ♪
Hello!
No, no, no, I'm
the psychiatrist.
Don't be frightened.
(audience laughs)
Remember in the psychiatrist's
office, everything counts.
Which chair are you
going to sit in?
Make your own free choice.
I'm not here. Anywhere you like.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
(audience laughs)
Ah! Sex fiend!
(audience laughs)
The important thing
is that you trust me.
If you trust me, then we
can move you out of here
a better person than
the one that came in.
Get off!
(audience laughs)
All right now,
let me ask you this.
What specifically
is your problem?
- I have trouble communicating.
- I'm sorry, I don't
understand you.
(audience laughs)
Communication with other people!
Whatever you do, don't think
of your mother's bosom.
All right.
(audience laughs)
Now, that that is
out of the way...
- I'm not thinking
of my mother's bosom.
(audience laughs)
- You're not thinking
of your mother's bosom.
You know what it's
like for a mother
not to have her
bosom thought about?
(audience laughs)
How would you know?
But that's the trouble with men.
That's why man has no bosom
except for Victor Mature.
But do I bring him
up? Booga booga!
(audience laughs)
The important thing
is that you tr..
Get off!
(audience laughs)
The important thing is
that we trust one another.
Only that...
Come here! Fast!
- What?
- Quick!
Quick
- Yes, what? Hmm?
- Stick your tongue
out that window.
- What?
- More!
- Hmm?
- Good.
(audience laughs)
(window slams shut)
- What was that for?
- Oh, that wasn't for
you, that was for me.
I hate the guy
across the street.
(audience laughs)
Booga booga, Dr. Schwartz!
(audience laughs)
Now, as you..
Go on through! Go on!
(audience laughs)
Let me ask you something.
Have you ever been with a woman?
(audience laughs)
Wait, when I ask you this
it's not to make fun of you.
- Ah.
- This is what
psychiatry is about.
You see if you can
relax and trust me,
I could move you out of here,
a much freer individual.
I studied for 12 years
to deal with, specifically,
this type of problem.
Have you ever had a woman?
Yes or no?
Trust me.
- No.
- No, never had a
girl! Booga, booga!
(audience laughs)
Dr. Schwartz, we got one!
(audience laughs)
- Oh!
- Wait! Come back here.
Where are you going?
- You're making fun of me.
- I'm not making fun.
This is psychiatry.
(audience laughs)
Come on.
Now tell me, virg,
(audience laughs)
how long have you been
bothered by this problem?
Perhaps your whole life?
- Since I was 16.
- I know exactly
how to help you.
We will take an imaginary walk
through the streets of New York,
and we'll see how you deal with
each hypothetical situation
as it comes upon you.
Give me your hand,
and we'll stroll down the
highways and the byways.
(audience laughs)
We'll walk down that great...
Give me your hand, and we
will stroll down the...
(audience laughs)
I am a doctor!
I derive no sensual pleasure
from the mere
touch of your hand.
(hands clap)
Ahh!
(audience laughs)
We are walking down the street.
What do we see in front of us?
First thing comes
into your head.
- A girl.
- A girl. Good.
Show me what your approach
is to that girl. Go ahead.
- Hi there, how you doing?
- (laughs) No
good. She ran away.
- Oh.
(audience laughs)
- You see, if you really
want to impress a girl,
you never hold hands with a man.
Ugh!
(audience laughs)
(indistinct) the two
of us. Booga, booga!
- I'm getting out of here!
(audience laughs)
Get off!
- Are you crazy?
(audience laughs)
You don't throw one
of those at a doctor!
(audience laughs)
Send in the next
patient, please!
(audience claps)
(audience laughs)
