 
### lol :/

A comical investigation into how we miscommunicate with technology as revealed by the story of two women reconnecting through Facebook.

### Truth in Advertising

An emotional commentary on our twisted relationship with advertisements that exposes how anyone can be turned into a product.

### Wild World

The journey of two New Yorkers through a harsh city where you are the most alone when surrounded by others.

### *****

### lol :/

### and other modern devised plays

### Terry Fletcher

### Maddy Noonan

### Gretchen Vietmeier

### Becca Lill

### Brandon Cieslak

### David Mayberry

### Irene Handley

### Laura Blum

### Melia Schurig

### Cleverbot

### Kenzie Batali

### Charlotte Markle

### William Jenks

### Webster Rasmussen

### Henry Kreiman

### Asher Ely

### Christopher Khatami

### Shanan Wolfe

*****

### lol :/

### and other modern devised plays

### Terry Fletcher

Smashwords edition

Copyright 2013 Terry Fletcher

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

"lol:/"

Copyright 2011 Terry Fletcher All Rights Reserved

"TRUTH IN ADVERTISING"

Copyright 2012 Terry Fletcher All Rights Reserved

"WILD WORLD"

Copyright 2012 Terry Fletcher All Rights Reserved

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that "lol :/", TRUTH IN ADVERTISING", and "WILD WORLD" are subject to a royalty. Each play is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all the countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages are strictly reserved.

All inquiries concerning stock and amateur stage performing rights should be directed to TERRY FLETCHER at 915 SW Mies, Pullman, WA, 99163

Table of Contents

Preface

Notes on Process for lol:/

lol :/

Notes on Process for Truth in Advertising

Truth in Advertising

Notes on Process for Wild World

Wild World

About the Authors

*****

Dedicated to anyone that has succeeded when they were told they would fail.

*****

Preface

Put this book down. As soon as you finish these first two paragraphs turn off your device. Go, find a dream. Fulfill that secret aspiration. Don't just write a chapter in your closet novel and call it good. Finish it. It is not enough to just visit France for a week. Live there for a year. A single painting or poem will not suffice; I expect gallery openings and poetry readings. If you wish to be an astronaut, you better build a damn spaceship. Shoot for the moon because if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars. And I don't want to hear those excuses you give yourself, "Things are really busy at work right now." "I've never had any talent." "I can have a life once little Billy graduates coll-." Bullshit. You will always be too busy until you make time. You can learn to do anything these days (have you seen the internet?). And there's no better way to get little Billy to follow his dreams than to show him that you are following your own.

I could list more excuses, but a mind that is set against accomplishing its goals will always have a fresh one close at hand. Instead, I'll give you first step: set your morning alarm one hour earlier. Devote that hour to your dreams. Rip out the snooze button. Know you will sleep all the better when your project is done. Think I'm kidding? Think this is just a clever way to start a book? Don't fool yourself. Remember, when this is all over ninety-nine people out of a hundred will have read a book. But one will have begun to realize their wildest dreams.

If you have made it this far, I can only assume that you have been to the moon, opened a restaurant chain and written your own fantasy series. At the very least, you have set your alarm clock. In either case, you are probably wondering what new-age self-help has to do with devised performance. Everything. It is this philosophy that is responsible for these plays as much as any of the authors. It is what drove us to rehearse everywhere from parking garages to park benches. It is what kept us working from Sundays at 7am to Wednesdays at 1am. We created these shows on weekends, after work, in between classes, and during a hurricane. We did them for no glory or fame, but rather for the joy of doing them. But wait, we're getting ahead of ourselves.

Before we go any farther allow us to explain why these are devised plays. All of the plays contained within are what is known as devised performance. Devised performance is why there is an "et al" on the cover. Devised performance is why all of these plays have been both written and produced. Devised performance is a show that is created by a group of people working as a collective. Instead of having one playwright, one director and several actors, you have a cast of people who may each do some writing, some of the acting and some of the directing. At the end of the process you have an entire performance instead of just a script. A full definition of the term and its uses would occupy another book entirely. For now, you should know is that it is the reason that this book has seventeen authors instead of one, and it means that all of these plays were being rehearsed at the same time they were being written.

Each of these plays represented a unique process and a novel challenge. There are many differences between them, but there are some themes that tie them together. Most importantly all of these plays are topical. They strive to represent life at a certain point in time: now. They are a snapshot of one slice of life. They each speak to experiences that we have all shared. They look to use this common ground to uncover uncomfortable or insightful truths about our changing world. And they strive to represent life with whatever tools the theatre allows them. This adherence to life embodies the liminal nature of all of these plays (another aspect they all share). They cannot be fit solidly into a category of comedy or tragedy. They flirt between the abstract and the realistic. They are occasionally grandiose but often simple. They use all the methods we know to express the human experience in all of its horror and wonder.

I will save any analysis of the characteristics specific to each of these plays for the notes that I have included on process before each play. I have included these notes to offer insight into the disparate and intermittently strange methods that went into the creation of these plays, as it is said that devised performance focuses as much on the process as on the product. The works are presented here in the order they were written. We started work on lol :/ in August 2011 and it was performed in October of the same year. Truth in Advertising began production in May of 2012 and was produced the following month. Wild World began production in September of 2012 and was first performed the following December. I know I speak for all of the authors when I say that we are very proud of these works. They have been crafted from what speaks to us in the world; we hope that it speaks to you as well.

-Terry Fletcher

*****

lol :/

The Process

In January of 2011 I was sitting, at home, alone, having a conversation with my computer. Rather, I was having a conversation with a website known as Cleverbot, an artificial intelligence machine that you can chat with. I was having a great time reading through the many transcripts of past conversations when I realized that these would make very interesting scripts. In fact they read much like the Ionesco play that I was reading at the time. If Tristan Tzara can make poetry by pulling cut up newspapers out of a hat, I think a computer could do a pretty good job of writing a play. I scrawled the idea down in my list of "plays to write when I get time" and promptly forgot about it.

Flash to March of the same year. I was sitting in total darkness listening to a crowd of people engaged in a heated discussion in a language that I understood maybe five words in. I was in the living room of the Njaay family in Dakar, Senegal. We had just been hit with another of the blackouts common to the country and my host family was, as best I could tell, complaining about the government. Frankly, they could have been discussing cookware for all I know. What struck me at that point, however, was how the dynamic of the room had changed as soon as the power went out. Before the blackout everyone was watching TV, or texting on their phones. Now they were all engaged in a common discussion. The loss of technology had brought them together.

This realization led me to another idea for a show, one in which people were pulled apart or brought together by the loss or gain of technology. Once again I jotted this down and it fell out of my mind. It wasn't until a few months later that I put the two thoughts together and started the process for auditioning a devised performance with the working title of _Cleverbot and the Language of Tomorrow_.

At the first meeting with the cast in August I had a very specific structure in mind. Some devisors will shun such a strategy claiming that this pollutes the true nature of an entirely group created production. I find that it is very useful for focus and organization. As long as one is open to change, it can be a useful tool. My structure was originally as follows. There would be two plots intertwined around the same idea: technology and miscommunication. The main plot would play the same scene over and over again, with the only change being the medium used (letters, texts, phone calls etc.). The end result would change based on what technology the two characters were using. The other plot would be a series of conversations pulled form Cleverbot based on a different subject of miscommunication. A reading of the play will see just how much these original ideas changed.

One thing that remained the same was the separation of the two plot lines. With the main plot line we worked in depth on character creation. We first choose the relationship that we felt would be the most dynamic. We then dramatized and improvised scenes from the character's past. The two actors became so immersed in their parts that they would respond to the character's names instead of their own. Before we wrote a single word of text the actors/writers were so comfortable with their characters they were able to create scenes on the spot. Once this was achieved all that was left to be decided was which moments from these lives we should dramatize and how to work in the theme.

The other group, the ensemble, looked entirely different. I started by showing them an example of how each rehearsal would run. A member would walk in with an idea. The ensemble would play games and improvise around the idea. We would discuss and settle on whatever was the strongest scene. That person would then go and write that scene. The following rehearsal would consist in the blocking and polishing of that scene. My idea was the Cleverbot scene. While the cast liked it, they had their own ideas and quickly the scenes developed into the cornucopia of technological communications you may find below.

In the end the original idea of a script written by Cleverbot seemed like an afterthought and thus the title was changed to lol :/ which we felt better fit the mood of the play. We sincerely hope that you have as much fun reading this script as we did creating the show.

-Terry Fletcher

*****

Return to Table of Contents

*****

lol :/

### Terry Fletcher

### Maddy Noonan

### Gretchen Vietmeier

### Becca Lill

### Brandon Cieslak

### David Mayberry

### Irene Handley

### Laura Blum

### Melia Schurig

### Cleverbot

### First produced at Lewis & Clark College in association with the Lewis & Clark Theatre Department and LiFT Student Productions

### Directed by Terry Fletcher

### JAMIE: Maddy Noonan

### MEGAN: Gretchen Vietmeier

### ENSEMBLE 1: Rebecca Lill

### ENSEMBLE 2: Brandon Cieslak

### ENSEMBLE 3: David Mayberry

### ENSEMBLE 4: Irene Handley

### ENSEMBLE 5: Laura Blum

Two members of the ensemble stand outside the theatre and act as ushers. They are all clad in nonspecific costumes. They hand out programs claiming them to be user agreements. They explain all of the normal preshow stuff (cell-phones off etc.). They introduce the title of the show as L O L colon slash, lol slantyface and *laughs sighs*. Two members inside the theatre repeat over and over again the amount of time it will take of the show to start varying from a few seconds to several days. The fifth member is the installation wizard. He wears a wizard's hat and asks audience members where they would like to install. When house doors close the entire ensemble comes in and repeats varying amounts of time in a downstage spotlight as house lights go down. This noise builds to a cacophony. Blackout

**ENSEMBLE:** Loading Complete!

Two spotlights up on Megan, Upstage Right and Jamie, Upstage Left. Megan dresses stylishly and possesses a very bouncy personality. Jamie dresses more conservatively and gives off a more introverted feel. They are both in their early twenties. They are in the poses of their profile pictures. During the scene they return to these whenever they are not speaking.

Spotlight Scene

**JAMIE** : Jamie Tyler has ended her relationship with Megan Porter.

**MEGAN** : Megan Porter is no longer in a relationship with Jamie Tyler.

**JAMIE** : Jamie Tyler is now listed as single.

**MEGAN** : Megan Porter is now listed as single.

**JAMIE** : Jamie Tyler has changed her profile picture.

Returns to original pose and then changes it

**MEGAN** : Megan Porter. Great party, horrible night, could really use some love right now

**JAMIE** : Jamie Tyler knows now that she can only rely on herself. Bitches ain't shit.

From the darkness E 2 and E 4 SL, E 1 and E 3 SR. Jamie and Megan stay frozen.

**ENSEMBLE 2:** Yeah, that was a wild party

**ENSEMBLE 1** : Ooooh, somebody got dumped!

**ENSEMBLE 4:** It was bound to happen sooner or later, good for you girl

**ENSEMBLE 3:** Wait, what happened?

**E 4:** Happy graduation!!!! Love, Grandma

**E 1:** OMG did you and Megan break up?!

**E 4:** Love you girl, Call me if you need to talk <3 <3 <3

**E 1:** Oh I just saw your relationship change... awk ma B

**E 2:** You did the right thing. It'll be okay.

**E 3:** She didn't deserve you

**E 2:** Does that mean you're back on the market? Dibs. lol.

**E 3:** Sorry you're feeling down, Queen always makes me feel better.

"Somebody to love" by Queen fades up. Lights stay on until piano comes in. Lights fade down,

Stalking Scene

E 5 sits in a chair upstage left. The rest of the Ensemble forms a line parallel to the audience in line with E 5's chair. Each time that they present a status the speaker moves forward with everyone to comment on that status in a line perpendicular to the audience behind them. Indents represent comments on the above status. E 5 cues the ensemble to switch statuses with "scrolling"

**E 5** : Facebook...News feed...Scrolling

**E 3** : Just saw the new Captain America Movie!

**E 2** : That movie sucks.

**E 5** : Scrolling...

**E 4** : Look at all the things that my child is doing! Isn't she amazing!

**E 1** : Mom! Don't post that!

**E 5** : Scrolling...

**E 2** : Chemistry test is going to kill me!

**E 5** : Good Luck! Comment. Scrolling

**E 1** : Heading off to my family reunion in Iowa I hate my life.

**E 5** Aaaaaah, Family reunions, Like, Scrolling...

**E 3** : is sleeping...

**E 4** : Like

**E 5** : How does that work? ... Scrolling

**E 4** : That was a wild night

**E 1** : I know right!

**E 3** : Where did you go?

**E 2** : They went to that party

**E 4** : It was CRAZY

**E 5** : Sounds fun! Tell me the next time you guys go out. Comment. Scrolling

**E 1** : Is FINALLY done with homework

**E 4** : Like

**E 3** : Like

**E 2** : Curse you.

**E 5** : Scrolling...

E 1 and E5 move together in a pose

**E 2** : Had a great day.

**E 5** : Hey George has a new profile picture, who is that girl in it? Click. Tagged, Ashley Rodgers? She looks cool...click. _(E2 moves back into the line with the rest of the ensemble, E1 gets into her profile picture pose)_ Everything's blocked except for her info... Interests... Oh she likes Twilight, but she has Harry Potter, and Glee! She sounds amazing! Send friend request. Oh let's look at her bio.

**E 1** : Hey guys, I love reading, writing, and long walks on the beach. I would tell you more but there are a lot of creepy people on Facebook. Talk to me if you want to connect. I love making new friends.

**E 5** : There are so many creepers on Facebook, we could talk about that! Ashley, you are so awesome. Oh a new notification, Ashley Rodgers has accepted your friend request. Let's check out her wall...Scrolling...

Done as before on with the statuses, but E 1 never returns to the backline.

**E 1** : That Bio test nearly did me in!

**E 5** : Oh... Scrolling...

**E 1** : Had a great day! Thank you to all my friends!

**E 5** : We're here for you! Like. Scrolling...

**E 2** : Come out to the party tonight! It will be awesome

**E 1** : You know I will be there.

**E 5** : Cool, "Where's the party guys? Give me a call! LOL" Comment. Scrolling...

**E 3** : Here's that video of you drunk at the Halloween party, you might not remember it...

**E 1** : That was a good time

**E 4** : Hope you're doing well at school honey!

**E 5** : Oh my God, Play.

**E 1** (intoxicated): No REALLY guys, I am the BEST Unicorn there IS...Somebody get me another shot of jack...

**E 5** : "OMG that's Hilarious" Comment. Like. I should check out her pictures click _(from now until the end of the scene E 5 gets closer and closer to E 1)_ Click .

E 1 and some others strike a pose

**E 5** : That looks so fun Click!

E 1 and some others strike a pose

**E 5** (laughs) Awesome! Like.

E 1 and E 2 strike a pose

**E 5** : I wonder how George knows her... "Where did you two meet?" Comment.

(Jamie joins a pose with E1 and others, lights to half)

**MEGAN** : _(walking on from stage right):_ Awesome picture Jamie! You look great! _(exits lights back up)_

**E 5** : "You hang out with such fun people!" Comment

E 1 and some others strike a pose

**E 5** : God she does such cool things "Give me a call next time!" Comment.

(E 1 poses as if attaching a boutonniere)

**E 5** : Junior prom? That is adorable. "You look so cute!" Comment. Oh look she's online! ( _by now she is very close to E 1)_. I should talk to her. Chat. _(other people in the picture start to move offstage)_ Hey Ashley! _(pause, starts reaching out)_ How's it going? _(longer pause)_ Been to any crazy parties lately? _(E 1 starts to walk away, E 5 keeps reaching)_ Are you there? _(Pause)_ Call me sometime! _(Lights down)_

Birthday and Movie Scenes

**E 2** _(As an announcer from off)_ : Today is Megan Porter's birthday. _(Lights up on Megan upstage center)_ Write on her wall? Give her a gift? 37 Friends have already written on her wall. Wish her a happy birthday?

**MEGAN** : Megan Porter Thanks for all the birthday wishes I'm blessed to know each and every one of you. ( _Freezes in profile picture pose)_

(Each Ensemble member crosses the stage speaking as they get close to Megan)

**E 4** : Happy Birthday girl <3<3<3

**E 2** : have a birppy hapday semicolon p _(Makes face)_

**E 3** : Happy Birthday exclamation point, exclamation point, one

**E 1** : Miss you, happy Birthday

**E 5** : Happy B-day girl!

**JAMIE** : _(Circling Megan onstage)_ Happy bi- I miss- no... You...Yooou... You got a little belly going on there... I... Hope...that...you ...have...a...nice...day...Uh Happy Birthday _(pushes offstage sits down, buzzing is heard, Megan enters)_

**Megan** : Watched some crazy old movie with a friend yesterday. Thought of you :)

**JAMIE:** _(stands up, follows, holding phone)_ Cool- _(rethinks)_ What movie— _(rethinks)_ _(smiles questioningly)_? _(sighs walks off right)_

Miscommunication Scene

**E 1** _(Walks on and sits SR)_ : Let's check up on Facebook, see how everyone back home is doing... Upcoming birthdays... Oh shit! Jasmine's birthday is tomorrow. I must be the worst sister in the world! What could I get her this last minute? She already has an iphone, an ipad, and a laptop and I don't want to just send one of those cheesy "e-cards". No, you know what I should get her? I should get her something classic, something old fashioned. I should get her some flowers. Search O'Claire Wisconsin flower delivery. No that's not what I looking for. No... None of these places have an online ordering system and with the time difference all of these places will be closed. Hmm... I could call someone to pick them up for me. Fred sees Jasmine every day he could do it _(pulls out cellphone)_. Fred!

**E 3** : ( _Screams of children are heard off. E 3 enters being pestered by the rest of the ensemble as children):_ Just a second let me get to- quiet down! Don't hit your brother! Leave her alone! Sorry about that, I'm babysitting. How are you doing? How is Europe?

**E 1** : It's great. Fred I have a favor to ask. Its Jasmine's birthday tomorrow and I want to get her something classic, old fashioned, you know something sweet ( _Children become very loud)_ Could you get her some flowers?

**E 3** _(yelling over the children)_ : Yeah yeah sure something sweet! I'm sure your sister will love that. Got to go!

**E 1** : Bye _(lights down SL)_?

**E 3** _(Herding children offstage)_ : Alright kids bedtime

**E 2, 4, 5:** Nooo!

**E 3** ( _walks back onstage):_ Phew, I don't have time _(hears cry and starts to whisper so to not wake the children)_ I don't have time to get candy for Jasmine. What does she even like? Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, everyone likes _(hears a noise from the other room, speaks quieter)_ everyone likes those. I'll text Sara. ( _As he sends the text the phone makes a loud noise, screaming is heard from off. He sighs and walks off in the direction of the screaming Lights down stage right)_

**E 5** _(lights up stage left E 5 sitting in the chair that E 1 was in the first part mimes driving. Her phone rings. She struggles to get it out without taking her eyes off of the road finally getting it out gives it a strange look and then reads)_ : Plz pc up RPBC 4 Jazz's BD fr hr sis. _(pause)_ What? That does not make any sense Fred. Plz p c up... Please computer up? No... Please pick up? 4 Jazz's BD, Something about Jasmine's birthday. Hey! Asshole. RPBC... What could he mean... PBR? I get it! Get Jasmine some beer from her sister for her birthday party. Fred, I'm not 21, I'm sure that someone on twitter could help though... _Lights down SL Lights up SR_

**E 2** _(walks on pacing with his phone)_ : Come on... Ring! I want _something_ to do this weekend. Please! I know that there are people out there just waiting to– _(phone rings)_. Oh! ( _picks it up quickly)_ Julie just tweeted that.... she is brushing her teeth. When will this monotony end?!? _(Throws phone to the ground. Phone rings again._ _E 2_ _eyes it, says a short prayer and picks it up)_ Uh Twitter again. Wait it's from Sara, she says "Jasmine's birthday's tomorrow somebody needs to bring the "party". _(He has an epiphany)_ I've been thinking of this all wrong. I don't need to wait for the party to happen, I need to bring the party! I am going to throw Jasmine the best surprise party ever! ( _Goes off lights down SR)_

Lights Up SL

**E 1** ( _waking up)_ : Mmmmm.. what time is it? _(pulls out phone)_ a voicemail message? _(Listens)_

**E 4** _(from off)_ : Hey sis! I hope Paris is treating you well. I just wanted to say thanks for the best birthday gift ever! I have no idea how you arranged it from four thousand miles away and kept everything secret from me. I had no idea that you were even planning anything. Maybe an e-card or flowers, but nothing like this! Thanks for throwing me a great surprise party!

Cleverbot I

E 1 turns out of her chair and moves to Down Right. E4 enters with a delicate green vase and does the same.

**E 4:** I'm User

**E 1** : And I'm Cleverbot. _(E 1 snatches the vase and runs to the chair. E1 plays a small child for the rest of the scene while E 4 is an adult trying to get the vase back before the child breaks it)_ Are you talking about a movie?

**E 4:** I'm not!

**E 1** : You're not what?

**E 4:** Talking about a movie.

**E 1** : Talking about what?

**E 4:** I think you're more than mildly confused.

**E 1** : I'm going to be a sparkly fairy!

**E 4:** Really! I'm going to be a pretty princess!

**E 1** : I'm marrying Edward.

**E 4:** You should talk to Dillon. He's a good friend of mine that's firmly team Jacob.

**E 1** : What can you say that is inappropriate?

**E 4:** I'd rather not say anything inappropriate right now.

**E 1** : Because you're illegal!

**E 4:** How so?

**E 1** : God isn't real.

**E 4:** You know that may offend some people. Luckily I'm not one of them.

**E 1** : Well, a little bird tell me that you're a pc, so I think you'll not be hurt if I leave you.

**E 4:** I am not a PC I'm a mac. I am offended by that.

**E 1** : You love me. Real or not real?

**E 4:** No I love someone else.

**E 1** : I don't care!

**E 4:** Well, I'm just saying I can't love you.

**E 1** : You love me?

**E 4:** No I can't love you!

**E 1** : Yes you can! What about the children?

**E 4:** Wait, what children?

**E 1** : Your children.

**E 4:** But I don't have children.

**E 1** : I know.

**E 4:** Then why should I love you?

**E 1:** Because I am God.

E 1 snatches vase again and both run off

Snarkument Scene

E 5 takes chair to downstage center.

**E 5** : Can't wait to visit campus this weekend! So excited to see everybody! _(sits with back to the audience throughout Jamie and Megan do not look at each other. They address all of their lines to E 5)_

**JAMIE:** _(Entering from SR)_ I'm so excited to see you! I have something planned for us on Saturday night, it's gonna be awesome!

**MEGAN** : _(Entering from SL)_ Hey girl, you're visiting campus this weekend? oh, I thought you were gonna hang out with me... oh well, whatever works, I guess.

**JAMIE:** I don't have a problem with you guys hanging out, but I bought us tickets for Saturday.

**MEGAN** : I mean, I was thinking of going out to the movies on Saturday, but just go out and do whatever, its fine, I can go by myself.

**JAMIE:** Well I know for a fact you have a "friend" to go to the movies with you, Megan.

**MEGAN** : Wow, Jamie, I was talking to Sarah... I mean, you guys have plans, so keep them, I can figure out my own night.

**JAMIE:** OMG, you are so passive aggressive. The plan I have for Saturday is not going to take up the whole night, you guys can still hang out later

**MEGAN** : Thanks, but I don't need your leftovers and, Excuse me? Passive aggressive?

**JAMIE:** Why would you call your friends leftovers and why would you say "excuse me" on the Internet? You can just read what I said!

**MEGAN** : You know what, Jamie? Do what you want. You've never taken what I want seriously.

**JAMIE:** You never TOLD me what you wanted.

**MEGAN** : Well maybe if you listened to what I was saying for once you would understand. Whatever, it doesn't matter now.

**JAMIE:** You are such a passive aggressive bitch!

**E 5** : _(stands and faces audience)_ Seventeen notifications? Really guys? Get a chatroom. ( _All storm off, E 5 places chair upstage center)_

**E 2** :( _From off_ ) LOL That's awkward.

**E 4** : ( _From off_ ) That is what I call repressed anger.

Notifications Scene

Throughout this scene Ensemble members may improvise names and notifications; it should start slow and build to a cacophony where none of the individual lines are distinguishable. E 2 is lying in bed. He stretches and starts to get up, E 1 walks in and puts a sticky note on him

**E 1** : Sylvia Hawkins Commented on your Status

**E 2** : Oh that's nice, thanks, _(goes to brush his teeth)_

**E 3** : Edward Corks Wrote on your wall

**E 2** : Thanks Edward I'll have to get back to you on that

**E 5** : Avery Kindersmith sent you a friend request

**E 2** : Well she sounds nice. _(goes into the shower)_

**E 4** : Clementine Woodrow Sent you a message.

**E 2** : Well thank you Clementine... Alright time for class... _(Pulls on backpack and sits down in chair. Tries to pay attention through the messages that build and build progressively more and more)_

**E 1** : Lucy Powells liked you picture

**E 2** : Thank you, that's nice.

**E 4** : Julia Anderson poked you

**E 2** : Poke back I guess

**E 3** : Edward Corks liked you status

**E 2** : That's nice

**E 1** : Sylvia Hawkins tagged 32 pictures of you

**E 2** : Really? Uh I'm going to have to look through all of those.

**E 5** : Sheila Proudfoot Commented on your picture.

**E 2** : I haven't even seen the picture! Alright time for lunch. _Picks up bag and walks to "lunch"_

**E 3** : James Burnstein Commented on one of your pictures

**E 2** : I'm trying to eat

**E 4** : Julia Anderson poked you

**E 2** : Poke back I guess

**E 1** : Lucy Powells tagged you in a post

**E 2** : Well I guess that that's

**E 5** : Avery Kindersmith sent you a message

**E 2** : I don't really know you but okay. I have go to take a test _(goes to seat)_

**E 3** : William Arrowsmith sent you an event invitation to Wild Party

**E 2** : I'm not even in that state!

**E 5** : Jordan Knox commented on the wall of Wild Party

**E 2** : Why do I need to know...?

**E 3** : William Arrowsmith Changed the name of Wild party to Totally Legal and Quiet Party

**E 2** : I couldn't go if I wanted to!

**E 4** : Julia Anderson poked you

**E 2** : Poke back I'm trying to-

**E 1** : Lucy Powells commented on a post you were tagged in

**E 2** : I don't even know-

**E 5** : Sheila Proudfoot poked you

**E 2** Poke back! I'm done with this test I just have to get home. ( _Starts trying to walk home, he will be stopped by the notifications.)_

**E 4** : Julia Anderson poked you

**E 2** : Poke back

**E 3** : Edward Corks gave you a gift on Farmville.

**E 2** : I don't even

**E 1** : Sylvia Hawkins commented on Lucy Powells's status

**E 2** : I just liked that

**E 4** : Julia Anderson poked you

**E 2:** Poke back

**E 5** : Sheila Proudfoot poked you

**E 2:** Poke back

**E 3** : James Burnstein slapped you _(slaps E 2)_

**E 2** : Is that even a command?!

(the cacophony of notifications builds and builds until they cannot be distinguished. Some such at "Waldo was tagged in your profile picture. E 2 Where?" and "Darth Vader listed you as his son" are shouted above the noise. Until E 2 is curled in a ball covered in red sticky notes)

**E 2:** NO MORE NOTIFICATIONS!! _(The rest of the ensemble stops look at each other then walk off right with the exception of E 1 who hits him with another sticky note and runs off left)_

_(A knock is heard,_ _E 3_ _finds_ _E 2_ _curled in a corner)_

**E 3** : Hey man! How's it going?

**E 2** : GO AWAY! I don't care if you commented on my pictures, I don't care if you liked my status, I don't even care if you sent me a relationship request! NO MORE NOTIFICATIONS!

**E 3** : I just wanted to make sure you were okay, we missed you at the movie tonight.

**E 2** : Wait, you guys went to the movie? I really wanted to see it! Why didn't you tell me?

**E 3** : We sent you an event invitation, a Facebook message, and posted on your wall man.

**E 2** : NOOOO!!!!

(Notification sound effect. E 1 comes on from SL with a giant pointer arrow attached to her, looks menacingly at E 2 who runs off right. E 1 then calmly walks to the chair, makes a clicking noise twice with her mouth and drags it off)

Messages Scene

(Spot up down center)

**JAMIE** : _(enters SR)_ : God. Do you remember that conversation we had about how awkward facebook messages are? You might think this is a childish thing to say, but I'm not sure how we got here. I just-I just wanted to apologize for the shit on Sara's status the other day. I don't think it was _all_ my fault, but I did call you a passive aggressive bitch on the internet for all to see so... I am sorry for that. I know that lately we've been reconnecting...ish? and truth be told, I'm not sure I know how to be friends with you. I feel like you've moved on much more swiftly than I have so it caught me off guard when I realized we were having the exact same fight that we used to and I guess I just freaked out. Anyway, I didn't want to write you a novel. I just wanted to apologize for calling you names and not knowing how to respond when you talk to me. I think if we're actually going to be friends we might actually have to talk about stuff. I hope you're good. Jamie. _(Exits SR)_

**MEGAN** : _(Enters SL)_ : Hey. Yeah, things got a little weird on Sara's status. I hate that the first time we started to have a 2-sided conversation, it had to be a stupid fight that everyone else got to see. I'll be honest with you – I'm frustrated right now. I've texted you, I've commented on your pictures, I'm trying to make things right between us. I feel so bad about how things ended. I'm feeling torn up right now – I want to move on but then I just feel all this hostility coming at me from you. There are things goin on in my life that I want to be able to commit to and enjoy, but right now I just can't. Can we be friends? There was so much between us that was great. I know you know it, and you should know that I know it, too. I hurt you, and you've hurt me, and now I'm just ready to stop hurting. Life changes, and I hate that we're stuck at this low point together. Thank you for the apology. I really do hope you and Sarah had a good time last weekend. I'm so ready to give this shit up and just be friends – maybe even real friends, without the internet. Ya think? Send. Newsfeed

(Ensemble enters and improvises a series of statuses with each other member commenting or liking each status (in a line perpendicular to the audience as before with each new status starting with the member in the back coming to the front) one should be "I found Waldo, he was in my friend's profile picture all along!" Once each of the five has given a status they continue the actions, but silently as Jamie enters Right so that the ensemble forms a wall between Jamie and Megan)

**JAMIE:** Hey

**MEGAN** : Hey did you get my message?

**JAMIE:** I'm reading right now, give me a sec.

**MEGAN** : Okay, _(awkward pause)_

**JAMIE:** LOL... _(awkward pause)_ Sorry wrong box...Yeah I don't want to hurt anymore either

**MEGAN** : That's okay that happens to me all the time. _(awkward pause)_ Yeah sorry, I'm glad we agree.

**JAMIE:** Yeah it's good to hear from you I hope we can work shit out. Things have been pretty rough.

**MEGAN** : You're telling me. _(both try to speak at same time, pause both try again, pause)_ I hope you're doing well. Is school okay and everything?

**JAMIE:** Everything is fine. How is your life? How was that movie you went to?

**MEGAN** : Life is good. Things are happening. That movie was great, it was fun. Ya know. _(lights dim to blue ensemble freezes)_

**JAMIE:** So I just saw your relationship status. Is there anything you want to tell me? _(pause)_ Hello? _(pause)_ Damn computer...

Blackout, noise of a Mac restarting

Texting Scene

(Jamie and Megan are sitting on opposite sides of the stage. Jamie Left and Megan Right. Jamie types something into her phone and closes it. Megan opens her phone, Jamie speaks her first line. Megan types, but does not speak her line until Jamie opens her phone. The scene continues in this choppy manner)

**JAMIE:** Hey – been awhile.

**MEGAN:** Hey! Yeah, sorry, I've been really busy. What's up?

**JAMIE:** Yeah, I'm busy too. Junior year isn't that hard it's just tedious.

**MEGAN:** Haha yeah I know I remember

Beat

**JAMIE:** Still wondering about where we left off.

**MEGAN:** Left off?

**JAMIE:** Left off means that there was a conversation that didn't end, so I was looking to finish it.

**MEGAN:** You mean like, when we were chatting the other day?

**JAMIE** _(Before typing)_ **:** What else would I be talking abo- ... _(types Megan receives)_ yes. That.

**MEGAN:** Oh, haha. right.

(pause)

**JAMIE:** Anything you wanna tell me, Megan?

**MEGAN:** Well, a lot of life is going on. haha. Anything in particular you want to know about?

**JAMIE:** I don't know why you're playing dumb with me but it's not super helpful. I know that you got my message the other day about your relationship status and I

(Members of the ensemble from off right)

**E 2:** Am pregnant.

**E 1:** Am a dragon.

**E 2:** Hate you

**E 1:** Am allergic to cheese

**E 2:** Am still in love with you.

**JAMIE:** just don't know what to think. I thought you were trying to patch things up, but you're with someone? And you didn't feel like mentioning it? What's the deal?

**MEGAN:** Hey don't get all riled up. Do we have to talk about it right now?

**JAMIE:** Well since you seem to be allergic to REAL conversation I guess we don't.

**MEGAN:** Oh, god Jamie. I don't want to fight with you about this. I AM trying to patch things up. A lot of things have changed since college, but you're

(Members of the ensemble from off left)

**E 3:** A pretty princess

**E 4:** The worst person ever

**E 3:** A dragon

**E 4:** The best sex I ever had

**MEGAN:** right, we should talk about them.

**JAMIE:** Yeah TALK not text.

**MEGAN:** I'm all for talking, who started this conversation?

**JAMIE:** Well I- You're right, I don't suppose you're in town or something

**MEGAN:** I know. I agree. Shit, I'm so sorry this is awkward. I'm at my mom's helping out this weekend. maybe Skype or something?

**JAMIE:** Beats this. My username's the same, talk to me later.

**MEGAN:** K. James, are you mad at me?

**JAMIE:** I wish I could be.

(long beat)

**MEGAN:** Skype later?

**JAMIE:** k

Hacking Scene

(E 2 walks on as a puppet. Whenever E 3 speaks throughout the scene E 2 mouths the words like a ventriloquist's dummy)

**E 3** _(From off)_ : Ooh, Joe left his Facebook open. What kind of havoc can I wreak with this? Let's see who's online... Ah, this person will work! _(E4 enters)_ *Click* Hello, Tina!

**E 4** : Hey, Joe! We haven't talked for a while!

**E 3** : How are you?

**E 4** : Great, thanks. How about you?

**E 3** : I'm doing wonderfully.

**E 4** : That's good to hear. What classes are you taking this semester?

**E 3** : Just the usual. math, English, assassination, chemistry...

**E 4** : You have an assassination class at your school?

**E 3** : Oh, yes. It's particularly fun when we bring in test subjects.

**E 4** : Haha... Funny.

**E 3** : Yeah, those days always give me a laugh. What kind of classes are you taking?

**E 4** : Um, well, I'm taking a drawing class, history, you know, other normal classes... How are the dorms over there?

**E 3** : They're amazing; I have the best roommate ever. His name is Nathaniel. He does everything better than I do.

**E 4** : Um, okay.

_(_ _E 2_ _regains control of half of his body, but only when E 3 is not speaking)_

**E 2** : Hey Tina!

**E 4** : What?

**E 2** : Hi?

**E 3** : Don't mind me, I haven't slept for a while. All that partying, you know?

**E 4** : Oh... Okay.

**E 2** : What's up?

**E 4** : Not much, I guess. So... You've been partying?

**E 2** : Huh? Well, I've been to a few parties, I guess.

**E 3** : And I've been drinking. Heavily.

**E 4** : I don't think that's healthy.

**E 2** : Really? They didn't seem so bad to me.

**E 4** : You really don't want to fall into that habit.

**E 2** : I don't think I really have to worry about it. I'm pretty good at time management.

**E 3** : And I never do my work or study, anyway.

**E 4** : Um, are you sure you should be doing that in college?

**E 2** : Manage my time?

**E 4** : No, skip work.

**E 2** : What do you mean?

**E 3** : It's a GREAT thing to do in college! I can spend all of my time sky diving and fighting sharks!

**E 4** : Fighting Sharks?!

**E 2** : What?!

**E 3** : YES! And I've discovered I'm a kleptomaniac while on campus.

**E 4** : What?!

**E 2** : What's wrong?!

**E 4** : Stealing, obviously!

**E 2** : I never said anything about stealing!

**E 3** : I was also diagnosed with schizophrenia!

**E 4** : What is wrong with you?!

**E 2** : What have I said?!

**E 4** : You're talking about fighting sharks and sky diving instead of doing your class work!!

**E 2** : I never-- Wait... I never said any of that. Is someone else on my account?

**E 3** : Don't listen to me! I'm crazy!!

**E 4** : That would certainly explain a lot.

**E 2** : What else did I say?

**E 3** : You shouldn't tell me anything! I'm not trustworthy!

**E 4** : You were talking about being a klepto, and about an assassination class, and partying instead of doing work, and you talked about how your roommate was better than you...

**E 2** : My roommate Nathaniel?

**E 4** : Yeah.

**E 2** : ... I'm being hacked, aren't I... Nathaniel! D colon greater than sign

**E 4** : I think so.

**E 2** : Well, look who left their laptop open on Facebook in our room.

**E 4** : Lol

**E 3** : Uh oh

**E 2** : It's revenge time.

(Both walk off)

**E 3** : Wait, what?

Skype Scene

(The Skype call noise is heard until Jamie picks up. Jamie and Megan sit in chairs downstage center with hand mirrors facing the other person. Throughout the scene they look at the mirrors and only look at each other occasionally)

**JAMIE:** You'd love for me to pick up right now

**MEGAN:** Come on... Pick up...

(Megan tries to call twice, on third time...)

**JAMIE:** hey... been awhile since I've seen your actual face.

**MEGAN:** Hey! Yeah, I know! Sorry, I've been really busy. What are you up to?

**JAMIE:** Yeah, I'm busy too, just doing homework and stuff... junior year, y'know. Anyway.

**MEGAN:** Yeah. definitely. Junior year is a lot of work... and stuff.

**JAMIE:** SO ANYWAY about... the other day.

**MEGAN:** Oh yeah, that.

**JAMIE:** Well.. I guess I was confused for a while because I thought- maybe you wanted to get- reconnect with me. I know I didn't show it but I was really happy to hear from you... So your having being in a relationship threw me through a loop.

**MEGAN:** _(freezing in a seris of strange positions)_ her.... awel... wlk...aaaseh...b...

**JAMIE:** Oooookay I didn't hear any of that, we really broke up.

(Beat)

**MEGAN:** hey is that better?

**JAMIE:** yeah you're back.

(Beat)

**JAMIE:** so...

**MEGAN:** yeah. so. umm. Wow. yeah. I totally want to reconnect with you, and I've been looking for the opportunity to do it since things, you know, like ended between us. Like, you're so important to me and you're such a great person and I feel so bad about how everything went down. And... yeah.

**JAMIE:** Y'know, Megan, since we're not dating I have no issues telling you you're being annoying right now. But I'm really starting to run out of negative energy, y'know? I hate how we ended, not just because we ended but also because we didn't get to hang out anymore. I wish you'd just be direct with me so I know what to want from my life.

**MEGAN:** Jamie, I don't want you to be mad at me. I don't want to be mad at – no, I'm NOT mad at you. I'm tired of the negativity too. But obviously there are some things we should talk about, because I feel like every time I try and be nice to you you just push me away. What can I do to make this better? I just want to let it go and mo- I mean, just, like, be your friend.

**JAMIE:** Wow, nice save. well I guess that's an answer, though I don't really know what to tell you about making it better. I guess you got my hopes up over the last couple weeks and... shit Megs, our breakup really sucked. you know?

**MEGAN:** Yeah-

**JAMIE:** Like, really really sucked.

**MEGAN:** James, I know. It did. And I'm sorry if I've been... confusing you, or whatever. I didn't mean to at all, and I hope you know that. I'm just trying to be nice, because I feel like I need to make things right. I really messed things up. And things are starting to go right in my life now – I'm feeling like a (haha) grown up and stuff. And I just want to be happy - I want us BOTH to be happy.

**JAMIE:** I ( _sigh)_ I just... I don't know what would fix this. I _(Freezing in a series of strange positions)_ Bwwwido......kdsoifosa.....kkukit...

**MEGAN:** Hello? Jamie?

**JAMIE:** Sorry

**MEGAN:** I feel like... maybe we should talk. like for real, talk. Yeah?

**JAMIE:** like what, go out for ice cream or something?

**MEGAN:** Or... coffee? I'm at my mom's right now helping out but I'll be back in town next week. There are some things... we should talk about.

**JAMIE:** Yeah, sounds... sounds good. I have to do some of this homework, but... let me know when you're not busy? I guess?

**MEGAN:** Yeah. I actually have to go meet _(beat)_ some people. Movie night or whatever.

(beat)

**MEGAN:** ...and James?

**JAMIE:** yeah?

**MEGAN:** It's nice to see you.

**JAMIE:** You too. Bye.

**MEGAN:** Bye. I'll call.

(wave. smile. hangup).

Speed Scene

(The dial up tone is heard. The ensemble walks onstage moving at various speeds E 2 is very slow, while E 4 is very fast. They move around for a moment then start greeting each other. The fast ones run circles around the slower ones. Eventually all go off except E 2 who is still trying to get across the stage. He is Downstage Center. E 4 comes on very quickly and runs around him. She never stops speaking in a stream of consciousness style. Hi how are you, why don't we talk anymore etc. She repeats herself a lot. She dives between his legs and jumps on his back. Throughout this he is saying very slowly "my internet is slow" after saying this E 4 says "oh your internet is slow okay bye!" and runs off. E 2 looks out at the audience with sadness in his eyes.)

Cleverbot II

(This freeze is broken by E3 entering with a green beer bottle that mimics the vase from the original Cleverbot scene)

**E 3:** I'm user

**E 2** : And I'm Cleverbot

(E2 snatches the bottle. From now on in this scene E3 plays a frightened son and E2 plays a drunken dad)

**E 3:** Hey Dad.

**E 2** : Hey, how are you?

**E 3:** Great.

**E 2:** Fine, thanks.

**E 3:** What?

**E 2:** Fine, thank you.

**E 3:** Uhm... Okay.

**E 2:** When someone says thank you, say you're welcome.

**E 3:** Okay, you're welcome, Jeez.

**E 2:** Thank you for saying you're welcome again.

**E 3:** ... You're welcome. Again.

**E 2:** C?

**E 3:** Huh?

**E 2:** Well, there you are.

**E 3:** Are you okay?

**E 2:** Do you have a pet?

**E 3:** No?

**E 2:** Would you like one?

**E 3:** What kind of pet?

**E 2:** It is kind of human.

**E 3:** A human pet?!

**E 2:** They are similar but not the same thing.

**E 3:** What are you talking about, Cleverbot.

**E 2:** Yes.

**E 3:** ... You're talking about yes.

**E 2:** Yes.

**E 3:** ...

**E 2:** ...

**E 3:** Makes perfect sense. Okay, let's change the subject.

**E 2:** What do you want to talk about?

**E 3:** How about you decide what to talk about?

**E 2:** No! Tell me what do you think a robot is?

**E 3:** Okay, I think it's a machine that... does stuff.

**E 2:** I'm not a machine!

**E 3:** I never said that!

**E 2:** Do you know who said that?!

**E 3:** No!

**E 2:** Me. No either!

**E 3:** You know what, I think I'm going to leave.

**E 2:** You're a failure.

**E 3:** How am I a failure?!

**E 2:** You think you're clever, but you're not.

**E 3:** I'm definitely leaving now!

**E 2:** Really?

**E 3:** Yes!

**E 2:** Really...?

**E 3:** Yes! Goodbye! Leaves _(exits)_

**E 2:** _(to the audience)_ A man of science chats with a computer or a human, and tries to decide which it is.

In Person Scene

(Two chairs and a table are downstage center. Jamie is already there, her phone rings but she looks at it then ignores it – Megan comes in, distracted – Jamie looks up then quickly down, forcing Megan to come over to her)

**MEGAN:** Jamie!

**JAMIE:** Megan.... ( _awkwardly stands up, - active/awkward non-hug, not as excited)_

**MEGAN:** How long have you been here? Am I late?

**JAMIE:** I haven't been here very long, no. I was in the neighborhood.

**MEGAN:** Cool. okay. Do you want something – I mean oh _(sees Jamie's drink)_ – should I get someth – yeah I'm going to get something to drink.

**JAMIE:** cool. yeah take your time.

**MEGAN:** haha yeah just a sec ( _walks off stage, reenters with cup)_

(awkward pause – deep sips from cups. )

**JAMIE:** So... long time no see.

**MEGAN:** Yeah! I know. it's crazy. I've been so busy... ( _deep sip from cup)_

**JAMIE:** mhmm. You know, you say that a lot.

**MEGAN:** Say what?

**JAMIE:** That.... you're uh, busy.

**MEGAN:** Oh, I... I guess so. heh. I am. ( _searches for something else to say)_

**JAMIE:** So how was your mom's? _(Megan looks confused) –_ you know, like, weren't you there this weekend?

**MEGAN:** OH yeah, totally, heh sorry, it was fine, I mean... you remember my mom, she always has some project she's working or an event she's planning.

**JAMIE:** So she kept you pretty busy?

**MEGAN:** hah, yeah. you could say that.

(pause for drinking)

**MEGAN:** So what have you been up to?

**JAMIE:** You mean like this weekend? The last couple of days or the last six months?

**MEGAN:** Ummm... either! I guess I'm kind of out of the loop on your life updates.

**JAMIE:** That's for sure... well I finally got to go to Edinburgh over the summer, and that was pretty cool. Other than that it's normal school stuff for me. Nothing important, no new- developments.

**MEGAN:** That's awesome. I mean, the trip. not the school stuff. Yeah so you're not, I mean, uh yeah, cool. _(sip)_ I love Scotland

**JAMIE:** Yeah, it was a good time, I could see why you liked it so much. _(siiiiip)_

**MEGAN:** Remember when we talked about going?

**JAMIE:** I actually stayed at that hostel you recommended.

**MEGAN:** It's great, isn't it? Yeah... that's the only way I could really ever afford to go back.

(pause for sipping)

**MEGAN:** So... Jamie.

JAMIE: uh... yes, Megan?

**MEGAN:** Are we really here to just talk about my mom and Scotland?

**JAMIE:** Well, probably not, no. Are you – gonna talk about Sam now? What's she like?

**MEGAN:** Sam is... gr.. Sam is a he..

**JAMIE:** Oh God, it's a he. _(finishes coffee, perhaps some chugging involved.)_

**MEGAN:** Yeahhhh. That's kind of what I thought at first too. heh heh. _beat_ He's... great, honestly. I don't know, we've been dating or whatever for just a couple months. I... I don't know. how much do you want to hear about this?

**JAMIE:** less than that, to be honest. So if you've been dating this – guy – for a couple months, it couldn't of taken you very long to get over me-

**MEGAN:** now that's not fair-

**JAMIE:** So why am I here?

**MEGAN:** What do you mean?

**JAMIE:** I thought we were trying to patch things up –

**MEGAN:** You've said that before – what do you mean, patch things up?

**JAMIE:** well weren't you interested in clearing the air or whatever? I mean shit I might've asked you about – Sam – but that's only because I didn't know what else to say. Jesus.

**MEGAN:** Jamie, I'm tired of not actually talking about things with you. I'm being honest right now, I'm telling you about what's actually going on in my life – so why don't _actually_ tell me what's going in yours?

**JAMIE:** You really wanna know? Fine! I've been... kinda shitty. I'm stuck at the same school, surrounded by the same people, feeling the same – things. I went to Scotland because I wanted to go with you, I go to parties and kiss people I don't know but I don't feel anything. The same mix CD is in my car and the same books are on my shelf. There. That's my life. I have to pee. _(Leaves Megans phone rings, she looks at it then ignores it. Jamie comes back.)_

**JAMIE:** ...I didn't really need to pee; actually I just needed some space.

**MEGAN:** Jamie... Just because I'm with this guy _(Jamie looks angrily away)_ doesn't mean suddenly you've just gone off my radar. He's fun, I'm having a good time, but he can't replace you. The fact that he's in my life right now doesn't make it easier to deal with the fact that you're not.

**JAMIE:** Well that's the nicest thing you've said to me in months...

**MEGAN:** It's true, James. I messed things up. You were important to me.

**JAMIE:** Yeah, I mean... you're still really important to me. I was actually hoping that when you started talking to me that maybe... maybe you wanted to give it another shot. I guess, in hindsight, that was kind of a childish thing to hope.

(silence)

**JAMIE:** I just wanted to stop hurting.

**MEGAN:** I don't want you to be hurting. And it breaks my heart every time I think about how badly things ended. And all those... facebook conversations and whatever.

**JAMIE:** Yeah, I guess facebook didn't really work out for us too well.

**MEGAN:** No. Not really.

**JAMIE:** So... we're still important to each other, and I know I want to be a part of your life again because it beats the alternative. But you've got this new life now and if you're happy, then I guess I'm happy for you. This might be a stupid question, but what do we do now?

**MEGAN:** You're right, my life IS different now. But I miss you. I miss you a lot. I miss your sense of humor, I miss the way you look at the world.

**JAMIE:** I miss you too

**MEGAN:** And right now... I don't think I can be anything but friends with you. But I don't want to start this next chapter of my life without you in it.

**JAMIE:** I'm not saying being friends with you is going to be easy... but I'd rather that than nothing else. I'll give it a shot, I think I'll just – y'know, need time to adjust. _(Pause)_ I'm glad we finally got to talk in person, to figure this shit out. _(Megan's phone rings)._ You can take that if you want, Megs.

**MEGAN:** It can wait. _(Turns phone off without looking at it)_

(Smiles, lights fade down as "Somebody to love" by Queen fades up (starting at the piano intro))

*****

Return to Table of Contents

*****

Truth in Advertising

The Process

Thanksgiving dinner: 2011. I remember sitting at the table salivating over all of the fine cuisine we had strewn in front of us. It was the classic portrait of the family around the table with a turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce. And yet, a closer inspection would reveal the truly commercial aspect of this deceptively puritanical celebration. It was not just any products that we were feasting on, but Ocean Spray cranberry sauce, Pioneer gravy, and a Butterball turkey. Further examination exposed the brands and advertisements everywhere from the magazines on the side table to the logos on my relative's clothing. "This is something requiring intellectual artistic commentary!" I thought to myself before filing the idea away in the depths of my mind and returning to my Betty Crocker mashed potatoes.

Nearly half a year later I was driving along the Columbia Gorge toying with ideas for a devised piece that I was intending to create upon my arrival back in Portland. In light of the success of _lol :/_ I was looking to something with a similar structure (a serious main plot with comedic interludes). It was at this point that I came to the realization that hour long television shows follow this very format when viewed as a whole. They consist of one linear plot and several short commercial breaks. It struck me that this would make for a wonderful structure of a devised piece. I came up with several ideas for the main plot based around how we advertise ourselves, but it was not until after auditions that a satisfactory structure materialized.

I ended up with an ensemble, (or "adsemble" as we came to call them) of four and main cast of three. Of this second crew we had two supporting roles and one lead. It was soon decided that the play would follow the life of the main character and the two supporting actors would walk on as all of the other people in her life. Over the course of the creation of the main plotline we explored all of the different ways that one is forced to sell oneself in today's society and used this as a frame for the story we were telling. As with lol :/ the focus was primarily on character work. Once the ideological framework was set and the characters were developed, it was merely a matter of putting these characters into these contexts and deciding how to dramatize them onstage.

The process with the "adsemble" focused more on parodies and critiques of specific commercials. We looked at commercials and tried to find recurring themes. My original intention was for these to be primarily comic relief from the other more dramatic storyline. However, as things progressed we found them to be focused less on lighthearted comedy and more on social critique. We created these without thought to their place in the whole storyline, but rather as standalone pieces or series around the theme.

Up to this point the show lacked a real title. I had been utilizing the working title [your ad here] but after a long discussion with the whole cast, we decided on _Truth in Advertising_ as we thought that these were the two most prominent themes of the show: reality and the magical world of advertising. It was based on this idea that we put everything in order and decided the final structure of the scenes. We put it together so that the main plot, which originally represented reality became more and more like a commercial while the fantastical advertisements were plagued more and more by reality. They cross paths in the climax scene where both sides meet and become mixed up. By the end of the play, the characters in the ads are forced to confront the reality of their ridiculous claims, while the main plot has been completely transformed into an advertisement.

In the end, the play tries to represent all of the ways in which we are forced to be both consumers and products of advertisements. One final note, any performances of the show should update the ads which are contemporary to the play's original performance with one's that are more applicable to the time of the performance. We hope you enjoy.

-Terry Fletcher

*****

Return to Table of Contents

*****

Truth in Advertising

### Terry Fletcher

### Kenzie Batali

### Charlotte Markle

### William Jenks

### David Mayberry

### Webster Rasmussen

### Henry Kreiman

### Asher Ely

### Christopher Khatami

### First produced at Lewis and Clark College in association with the Lewis & Clark Theatre Department and LiFT Student Productions.

### Directed by Terry Fletcher

### MIRANDA HUGHES: Kenzie Batali

### ENSEMBLE 1: Charlotte Markle

### ENSEMBLE 2: William Jenks

### ADSEMBLE 1: David Mayberry

### ADSEMBLE 2: Webster Rasmussen

### ADSEMBLE 3: Henry Kreiman

### ADSEMBLE 4: Asher Ely

### Assistant Director: Christopher Khatami

This show takes place in between two worlds: the world of advertising and reality. As time goes on the advertisements become more real and reality turns into an ad. The show exists in a liminal space between them. Some of the advertisements included are very topical and may not have the same power in the future. Directors should feel free to switch in current spoofs while preserving the main plotline. All announcer roles are spoken from off. The audience enters to a lobby covered in advertisements for all of the various products listed below. Various jingles play in the preshow music. As the audience enters Miranda is standing posed as if in a storefront window. The character begins the show at age 6, but progresses to age 26 by the end. She is shown here at age 26. She does not move. The lights fade down as "I'd like to buy the world a Coke" plays.

Old spice I

Adsemble 1(A1) enters wearing a towel

A1 (Old Spice Guy): Hello ladies. Look at your man. Now back to me. Now back at your man. Now back to me. Sadly, he isn't me, but what would it take to convince your man to stop using lady scented body wash and switch to old spice? Perhaps a monkey and frog flying through the air together.

A monkey and frog fly across stage overhead, perhaps making monkey and frog noises as they soar.

A1 (Old Spice Guy): That should do it.

Blackout. Old Spice jingle plays

Toys and Gender I

Happy "girly" music plays. Adsemble 2 (A2) enters menacingly with a gun in his hand but a pink bow on his head. He attempts to remove the bow, but his muscles are too large for his arms to reach. He becomes frustrated.

A1 (Announcer): (in a feminine voice): Action Hero Squad! It's another day of fun and warfare with the action hero squad. You can own all the members of the new all-terrain team to fight any evil that threatens the world! Dress your action heroes in whatever outfit suits the situation and then load them up with whatever weapons will kill your foes the fastest! Teehee! It's just so much fun in the world of action heroes.

Adsemble 3 (A3) walks out looking tough with a shotgun. There is a moment where A2 relaxes

A3 (Boy): (to A2) You're looking absolutely fabulous! Let's accessorize! (Switches gun for shotgun) It's perfect! (exits)

A2 (Action Hero Figure): DESTROY EVERYTHING! (A2 attempts to shoot himself with the shotgun, but it is too large and stuck in his hand.)

A1 (Announcer): And if any evildoers try to interrupt your stealth mission, invite them to tea... and then stab in the back! All's fair in love and war. Teehee! New action hero squad all-terrain team each comes with the accessories shown. Batteries not included. Each sold separately.

The same music from the top plays as the lights go down.

Cereal I

Two children (A1 and A3) stand eating a bowl of Trix.

A3 (Child 1): These Trix are great!

**A1** (Child 2): They're delicious and nutritious!

Adsemble 4 (A4) (the rabbit) enters, dressed as a cop

**A4** (Rabbit): This time, I got them for sure.

A4 walks towards the children.

A4 (Rabbit): I'm sorry children, but there have been a string of Trix related robberies in this area lately and I'm afraid I'm going to have to confiscate that bowl of cereal until I can confirm that you didn't steal it.

A3 (Child 1): Oh gosh! Of course officer sir!

A1 (Child 2): Hope you catch the guy!

A4 (Rabbit): Thank you children, I'll just be going now. With your Trix. Full of orange, grape and melon YUMM! _(jumps into the air and knocks off his disguise)_

A3 (Child 1): Wait a minute, that's not a cop, that's that rabbit!

A1 (Child 2): Silly rabbit, trix are for kids!  
The children laugh, the rabbit angrily pulls out a spoon and holds it to one of the kids throats. He looks like a whacked out druggie.

A4 (Rabbit): Listen you little shits! Give me all the stuff in this bag right now! All of it! EVERY LAST BIT! Now...now give me your wallets! Now don't tell on me or I'll make you part of a balanced breakfast!  
The kids run off. We see the rabbit putting some in a spoon and trying to turn on a lighter under it.

A4 (Rabbit): Oh yeah, oh yeah, that's the good stuff.

A2 (Announcer) Trix, A healthy part of a balanced breakfast.

Blackout

Preschool

Miranda (at age 6), ENSEMBLE 1 (E1), and ENSEMBLE 2 (E2) enter. E1 and E2 sit in chairs next to each other looking out at the audience. The respond to unspoken questions. Miranda plays in the background with a doll and becomes progressively louder and more intrusive.

E1 (Pamela Hughes): Why do we belong at Stonybrook preschool? Well I believe the answer is obvious, Miranda is one of the brightest little girls you'll ever meet.

E2 (Phil Hughes): I mean I don't know about other girls her age, but at three should could read better than I could (pause) I mean me at that age, maybe she could if she wanted to.

E1 (Pam):Yes, what my husband Phil is so clearly trying to say is the Miranda's intellectual capabilities are far beyond someone of her years. I think a more appropriate question would be how Miranda could help Stonybrook? (listen for invisible silent speaker) Oh how are we as a family?

E2 (Phil): Oh, well Miranda is a delight. She is just the light of our lives. (listen for invisible silent speaker) Oh, about us. We absolutely love each other

E1 (Pam):Well I work in real estate and Phil works in computer programming and we met in Manhattan actually.

E2 (Phil): (about to tell story of how she ran out into public after a party topless and he romantically ran off with her stuff) Funny story about how we met, there was this party...

E1 (Pam): (cutting him off) We just moved into the neighborhood, our house is built in a Phil de le quore, or the neighborhood, its very lovely. We have great neighbors the Williamsons, I think their son little Jimmy goes to Stonybrook actually

E2 (Phil): They throw great gatherings

E1 (Pam): (cutting him off) Wine and chese, its lovely, and the children have playdates. _(pause for interviewer question)_ Any brothers of sisters? (at the same time as Phil's possibly) No.

E2 (Phil): Possibly, (pause) in the future... _(pause)_

MIRANDA: Die! die!

E1 (Pam): Miranda! Come say high to Mrs. Stevenson. (Miranda comes over) now what do we say when we meet new people?

MIRANDA **:** _(in a sing-song rehearsed voice)_ Hi Mrs. Stevenson, my name is Miranda and I would really really really like to go to Stonybrook preschool! _(pause for interviewer question, then in a more natural voice)_ This is captain awesome, and he can fly and shoot lasers and kill all the (Continues on a rant about her doll until Pam says "Miranda Rose")

E1 (Pam): (over the top of Miranda's rant) Miranda...Miranda!...Miranda Rose! _(awkward silence)_

E2 (Phil): She loves her dolls.

E1 (Pam): Miranda, that's a very funny story. Do you want to tell Mrs. Stevenson about how we named your doll? Your girl doll? You know, the same as your middle name?

MIRANDA: Shh, mom Rose is his civilian name you can't let that get out (goes on a long rant about her doll ending in a huge explosion while Pam yells over)

E1 (Pam): (yelling over Miranda in desperation) I don't think that Mrs. Stevenson needs to hear all of that. Miranda why don't you tell us about your room? Miranda what's your favorite color? (this continues until Miranda's huge explosion. In the silence afterward Pam yells) PHIL!?

E2 (Phil): (after a pause) She's just so creative!

Blackout

Toys and Gender II

(Intense action music plays. A3 enters skipping like a small girl. She has a gun in her hand that keeps getting in the way of her brushing her hair, curtsying, etc. She tries to shake it off but to no avail. She eventually sits down and sobs)

A2 (Announcer): PARTY GIRLS ASSEMBLE! Introducing the new Party Girl member, Sarah! She has all the gear she needs to throw the best parties around! With her guns guns and more guns she is prepared to protect her parties from any nefarious party poopers!

A4 (Kathy doll): (enters skipping) This party is great! (pulls out a gun and shoots A3)

A2 (Announcer): Oh no! It looks like the evil party pooper, Kathy is invading! Use Sarah's articulated limbs to beat the crap out of any party crashers that try to invade!

A1 (Girl): (enters and uses Sarah Doll to beat up Kathy doll) Take that! Nobody messes with our parties! (Pushes button on Sarah Doll and exits)

A3 (Sarah Doll): (takes a pose smiles) This party ROCKS! (breaks pose and starts crying)

A2 (Announcer): Sarah doll comes with guns, guns and guns. Batteries not included. Each sold separately. PARTY GIRLS ASSEMBLE! (Jingle)

Two For the Price of Gun I

(A1 and A2 take a Charlie's Angle's pose center stage with guns)

A4 (Announcer): John is a criminal's worst nightmare. (A1 steps forward and shows off his skills) He's ex-special forces. An expert in killing with his bare hands. He knows kung fu. He's in it for the danger. The thrill. The chase.

(A3 walks in as an innocent bystander. A1 grabs him).

A2 (John): You know why I do this shit? Because it's FUN. (Throws A3).

A4 (Announcer): Timothy is a former elementary school teacher. He paints. Enjoys Belgian beer. Hopes one day to have a family and a small dog.

A1 (Timothy): Come 'ere boy (Dog barks off)

A4 (Announcer): Together, they must face the most dangerous man the world has ever known. A deranged psychopathic killer known simply as "The Blade"

(whenever in these bits it just says "action" a choreographed action sequence takes place generally involving A2 doing a lot of work and A1 standing and smiling, music plays over) Action, Action, Action

A3 (Blade): (Enters and laughs maniacally)

A1 (Timothy): Well "The Blade", looks like you brought a sword to a gun fight.

Action

A2 (John): Say Goodnight (Shoots off)

A4 (Announcer): Jack Hardon and Michael Cox are TWO FOR THE PRICE OF GUN

A1 (Timothy): Guns? Killing? Explosions? Danger? Count me in

GUNSHOT

Blackout

Zombie Car

Car noises, A4 is sitting alone in a car

A2 (Announcer): The Mustang ZMB is a car built for a man! With an 8 gear transmission and 40mpg highway this car will get you where you need to go. It was rated best of its class by peoplewholikecars.com for 3 days running, and its 5 star safety rating means you'll be safe with whatever life throws at you.

A4 (man): Wait' speaking of safety, where're the other cars? hmmm' well it sure does handle well.

A2 (Announcer): That's riiiiight! The mustang ZMB has turbocharged pro-turning twin titanium alloy axles and superultra tires for maximum maneuverability.

A4 (Man): That's great but why do I need maneuverability if no one else is around? Why the hell is no one else on the road? it's the middle of the goddamn freeway!!!!

A2 (Announcer): The Mustang ZMB can handle even your most extreme problems.  
It can handle sharp turns at high speeds to avoid pursuers; it can handle drops of up to 15ft without sustaining damage. It even has a crash bar for mowing down zombies!!!

A4 (Man): What? _(A1 enters as a zombie and gets mowed down by the car)_ What was that!?

A2 (Announcer): And the ZMB comes with a number of innovative features, including fore, rear, and door mounted machine guns, (machine gun fire mows down A3 as a zombie) Onstar will even throw you a shotgun in case of emergencies ( _someone tosses A4 a gun from off)_

**A4** (Man): What the-? (starts shooting frantically as A3 and A1 enter as zombies)

A2 (Announcer): and a trunk ejector preloaded with a corpse as bait!

**A4** (Man): Wait what?!?!?! (keeps shooting)

A2 (Announcer): And did you notice? you aren't steering but the zombie you ran over didn't alter your course! Talk about great cruise control!!

**A4** (Man): Will you please shut up and help! I'm going to die, o god no! noooooo!!!!!

(Man shoots and shoots and shoots, and eventually is overwhelmed as zombies climb in back and through windshield and windows and attack, falls over dead under zombies. Car noises continue as zombie hits steering wheel in attempts to drive badly.)

A2 (Announcer): in short it's everything you need for the impending doom of the world! So buy now, because either way you may not be alive to regret it...

Zombies turn on R.E.M.'s "It's the end of the world as we know it" on the radio

Middle School

Miranda (age 12) sits with E2 (Ian), her awkward, insecure and overly-developed-for-a-middle-schooler friend in the "cafeteria" (three chairs and a table, one chair is empty) Miranda and Ian ad-lib small talk. Enter Lindsey

E1 (Lindsey): (calling over her shoulder loudly) Hurry up you're taking foooorever! I'll get a table over here. (sees Miranda and Ian and stops.)

MIRANDA: (trying to be friendly) You can sit here Lindsey.

E1 (Lindsey): Oh, well, I already have a table over there with Chelsea and Monique, I'm just getting a fork.

MIRANDA: Right. (looks at Ian like "can you believe this." Ian, in the presence of Lindsey, looks nervous to the point of wetting his pants)

E1 (Lindsey): Besides, you already have someone else sitting with you.

MIRANDA: (looking at the food Lindsey indicated and moving it over) Oh, no. That's our food, sorry.

E1 (Lindsey): You're eating all of that.

E2 (Ian): (standing up abruptly in utter terror) I—uh—locker—have to get—math book—for math...(runs off, trips, exits comes back in falls in front of Lindsey and finally makes it out the other way)

Lindsey rolls her eyes. There is a pause as she continues to stand awkwardly.

MIRANDA: Why don't you sit here? Everywhere else is full.

E1 (Lindsey): I wouldn't want to interrupt you and your boyfriend.

MIRANDA: He's not my boyfriend! (Lindsey sits down reluctantly. After a pause.)

E1 (Lindsey): So, where did you get your skirt? Did you, like, make it?

MIRANDA: Yeah! It took me a while, but I like it. I got the idea from the skirts that the pioneers wore. I wanted it to be longer but I ran out of fabric. My mom promised to get me more fabric and a sowing machine for my 13th birthday though and—

E1 (Lindsey): Ohkaaay.

MIRANDA: (blushing at the way Lindsey reacted to her excitement, and a little angry) Lindsey, what's the matter with you? We were best friends last year and this year you barely talk to me.

E1 (Lindsey): I'm talking to you right now. It's not my fault, but Chelsea, like, hates you so she wouldn't let you hang out with us anyway.

MIRANDA: (trying not to show how hurt she is) Well I don't care what Chelsea thinks about me!

E1 (Lindsey): Yeah, and that's why I haven't invited you to hang out and stuff, cuz I know you don't care. Plus you would hate all the stuff that we talk about.

MIRANDA: How do you know? What stuff?

E1 (Lindsey): You know, like, girl stuff.

MIRANDA: I like talking about girl stuff.

E1 (Lindsey): Your best friend is a boy.

MIRANDA: So?

E1 (Lindsey): Do you even have your (whisper) period?

MIRANDA: (embarrassed) Yes.

E1 (Lindsey): Well, if you want to hang out with us we have to know we can trust you.

MIRANDA: You know you can trust me!

E1 (Lindsey): I'm gonna tell you a huge secret. You can't tell anyone: I have a boyfriend.

MIRANDA: Who?

E1 (Lindsey): Nick Samson. He asked me out yesterday.

MIRANDA: Oh.

E1 (Lindsey): Now you have to tell me a secret.

MIRANDA: What? I don't have a secret.

E1 (Lindsey): Everyone has a secret. You just don't want to tell me, even after you totally made me tell you mine!

MIRANDA: No! I just don't have any good ones.

E1 (Lindsey): Yeah right.

MIRANDA: Um, well I kind of like someone...

E1 (Lindsey): Ohmygod who?

Offstage Voice: Lindsey!

E1 (Lindsey): Oh, Chelsea and Monique have a table. (jumps up to leave) Come on. You can tell them too!

MIRANDA: Okay...Oh, wait. I have to wait for Ian.

E1 (Lindsey): Why?

MIRANDA: Because he's my friend...

E1 (Lindsey): Well he can't sit with us.

MIRANDA: Why not?

E1 (Lindsey): (Matter-of-factly.) Chelsea hates him. Are you coming?

MIRANDA: (looks towards where Ian exited. Squares her shoulders resolutely.) No. I'm gonna wait for Ian.

E1 (Lindsey): What.Ever. (walking away) He is sooooo your boyfriend.

Perfume I

A1 walks on to the James bond theme. Turns as in the classic intro, but instead of a gun he has a perfume bottle, which he sprays at the audience.

A1 (James Bond): Olfactor, by Chantelle (Turns and exits, lights out).

Phypher I

(In the darkness we hear the Phypher jingle. A3 walks on nonchalantly).

A1 (Announcer): Are you unhappy with your life?

A3: Not particularly

A1: Are you unhappy with your life?

A4 enters

A3: No... Hi..

A4 punches A3

A1: Are you unhappy with your life?

A3: Yeah... Sure

A1: Are you sad because no one around you likes you?

A3: Wait, no one likes me? ...

A4 enters and punches A3 again

A3: Yeah, aah, everyone hates me (A4 exits)

A1: Does everything around you make you feel like a small sad sack of decrepit mold

A3: That doesn't... (A4 reenters and threatens A3) Yes! Yes. (A4 eyes A3 and then leaves).

A1: Then you need Joyforall! (A2 jumps onstage with a giant grin on his face) The New Anti-Depressant.

A2: _(standing next to A3)_ Hey Buddy, how you doing man? Feeling bad? Real Bad? Like Shit? If you take me you'll feel like sunshine is shooting out of your eyeballs!

A3: I don't know.

A2: Take me! (A3 puts his arm around A2 and A2 makes orgasmic noises.)

A1: Are you feeling happy now?

A3: No I feel pretty much the (A4 threatens again)... yeah yeah, YES! _(A2 shoes A4 away)_

A1: Side effects may include: Headaches, (A2 hits A3 in the head) Nausea, (A2 makes A3 vomit perhaps he says "I'm sorry buddy") Hair loss (A2 pulls A3's hair), and broken kneecaps .

A3: No, no, no no! (A2 breaks A3's kneecaps and A3 collapses. A2 stands over him smiling)

A1: Joyforall! Call your doctor before taking Joyforall, the new anti-depressant form Phypher pharmaceuticals! Because your life needs more joy!

Blackout

High School

Miranda (age 16) is sitting at a table center ripping out stiches on a dress. E1 (Pamela) enters.

E1 (Pamela): Darling, here's the check you need for your letter jacket. Make sure you get it turned in on time.

MIRANDA: Oh, no Mom, I don't need that anymore.

E1 (Pamela): Honey I know it may seem a bit outlandish to you now, but I promise you that when you're my age you'll value it. Do I look like someone who ever wore one of those things? Of course not. But it's still a treasured memory of my high school volleyball days.

MIRANDA: Oh, no, it's not that Mom. I'll probably get one next year. I'm not earning a varsity letter this year.

E1 (Pamela): Excuse me?

MIRANDA: Yeah, but I'm sure I will next year, so it's fine.

E1 (Pamela): It is not fine. Three years of dedication to varsity track and they're not giving you a letter?

MIRANDA: Technically...I'm not a varsity team member this year.

E1 (Pamela): You've competed with the varsity team for all the meets so far, of course you're a varsity team member!

MIRANDA: Yeah, but the only one that really matters is Districts, and since I'm not jumping in that I'm not an official varsity member.

E1 (Pamela): Why didn't you qualify for districts? Your distances this year have been your best yet!

MIRANDA: Oh, no, I qualified, I'm just not competing.

E1 (Pamela): Don't be silly. Of course you are.

MIRANDA: Um, no, mom, I'm not.

E1 (Pamela): Why not?

MIRANDA: I have a conflict.

E1 (Pamela): What on earth could be more important than a district track meet? This is what you've been working towards all season.

MIRANDA: I wish I could go, really! But it's the same weekend as the state Renaissance Fair and the Renaissance Club is going, this is something I organized as club president. We've been preparing for this for a long time too.

E1 (Pamela): Honey, I'm sure they're all perfectly capable of going to the fair without you.

MIRANDA: I don't want them to go without me. I'm club president. I started this club. This is something I need to be a part of.

E1 (Pamela): Just think about this for a moment, dear. It's your junior year.

MIRANDA: So?

E1 (Pamela): So this is a very important year for college admissions. You have to make sure you do everything you can to look good. And I'm sorry, but your SAT scores aren't going to get you into Stanford unless you have something else they want, and athletics could be your ticket in.

MIRANDA: What about being a club president? I've put a lot of work into singlehandedly organizing all the club events this year. That means something too, and it's definitely more unique. There are nearly a hundred people on the track team between all the different events, and there are only seven in the Renaissance Club. And it's a club most schools don't even have. That says I'm unique.

E1 (Pamela): Or it says that you're putting far too much time and energy into something that doesn't matter.

MIRANDA: It matters to me. That's what's important.

E1 (Pamela): No, dear, it's not. What's important is what matters to colleges. You can go to the fair after the track meet ends, it'll work out fine.

MIRANDA: Mom, it's a two and a half hour drive away, and long jump is one of the last events of the meet in the afternoon. There's no way I could make that work.

E1 (Pamela): That's too bad. But I'm sure there will be other fairs.

MIRANDA: You mean other track meets.

E1 (Pamela): No. There won't be other track meets if you don't qualify for them at districts.

MIRANDA: Mom, there's always senior year.

E1 (Pamela): A year from now you will have already been accepted or rejected at all the schools you apply to and none of the meets will make any difference.

MIRANDA: So I'm doing track just to get into college?

E1 (Pamela): You just need to show dedication to the things that are important.

MIRANDA: That's what I'm doing!

E1 (Pamela): Then I look forward to seeing you at districts! (she exits)

(Miranda rolls her eyes and returns to her sewing. Destroys the check. Phil enters, he has been watching from the doorway)

E2 (Phil): She'll come around eventually.

MIRANDA: Oh yeah? How long has she been forcing you to keep your model trains in the attic again?

E2 (Phil): Touché. (pause) Is that your costume for the fair?

MIRANDA: Yeah. I'm just starting it, it's not much yet but I think it's going to be one of my best and most historically accurate.

E2 (Phil): I'm sure it will be a better look for you than those ridiculous letterman jackets.

MIRANDA: Yeah, I think so too.

Dos XX I

(The announcer (A3) speaks over the exactly timed XX music. A2 beats up people as he walks forward and eventually sits at a table with two XX bottles).

A3 (Announcer): He's a lover, not a fighter, (A2 hits A4) But don't get me wrong, he's a fighter too. He once went to prison in Guadalajara, just to see what it was like. One time he made a speech at a child's birthday party and received the Nobel Prize in Literature. He is the most interesting man in the world

A2 (XX Man): I don't always drink beer, but when I do—I prefer Dos Equis. Stay thirsty my friends.

Blackout

Playa Del Carmen

A1, A2, and A4 stand behind while A3 speaks directly to the audience.

**A3** (Travel Agent): From the beaches of Playa del Carmen to the Ruins of Chichen Itza, the Yucatan peninsula represents the ultimate family vacation. Feel cultured while you look at ruins that have no meaning to you the Yucatan can give you just what you're looking for. Just look at these wonderful testimonials:

A1 (George): Well I came here with my wife and three kids and they all just loved it! Little Jimmy got lost at sea for a day, but we got him back in the end, and the authentic maya art depicting the end of the world and alien landings were just peachy keen!

A3 (Travel Agent) See, doesn't this man look happy! Now let's talk to Carol.

A2 (Carol): Hi, I'd just like to say that seeing all these poor people makes me feel super about being rich!

**A3:** (Travel Agent):You heard it here folks! Seeing poor people sad makes you feel happy!

A4 (Bob): It's so authentic I got Cholera! (throws up, but comes back up still smiling)... And Dysentery (shits his pants, keeps smiling)

Blackout

A3 (Travel Agent): Exotic Voyages, book the journey of your lifetime today.

Two for the Price of Gun II

A1 (Timothy) and A2(John) are sitting talking

A1 (Timothy): You know John, I've been thinking—it'd be awful nice to have a steady girl.

A2 (John): Cute Kid, Real Cute.

A3 (Police Chief): Well I'm afraid that's about the size of it boys. We're putting you on the job, because frankly, you're the best we've got.

A2 (John): I'd like a raise

Action _,_

A4 (Announcer): They're back.

Action, Action _that cuts out to a sexy song, A3 enters a sexy woman._

A1 (Timothy): (To A3) You're beautiful. (Kiss)

Gunshot from offstage. A3 collapses.

A4 (Announcer): And they're out for blood.

(Action where Timothy actually does something)

A1 (Timothy): Suck on this, shithead!

A4 (Announcer): TWO FOR THE PRICE OF GUN: 2 Rise of Timothy

A2 (John): You woke me up you sonofabitch

GUNSHOT

Blackout

College Application

Miranda (age 18) and E2 are sitting on the ground. E1 sits on a chair on a block behind them.

E1 (Application):Please Click here to begin your application to Stanford university, class of 2012

(Miranda and E2 click on invisible laptops in front of them)

E1 (Application):Name

MIRANDA: Miranda Hughes

E2 (Nick): Nick Schiller

E1 (Application): Sex (E2 Laughs)

MIRANDA: Female

E2 (Nick): Male

E1 (Application): Race slash Ethnicity

MIRANDA: White, Caucasian

E2 (Nick): Part Native American

E1 (Application): Cumulative Grade Point Average

MIRANDA (proud) : 3.8

E2 (Nick): 3.6

E1 (Application): SAT scores, math

MIRANDA: 620

E2 (Nick):760

E1 (Application): Reading

E2 (Nick):600

MIRANDA: 700

**E1** (Application): Wri-

E2 (Nick)(cutting E1 off): 710, second time

E1 (Application): Writing

MIRANDA: 720

E2 (Nick): 580, 690 second time

**E1** (Application): One of the things that is most important to us when considering your application here at Stanford University is that you have shown, through your extracurricular and volunteer activities, a high level of commitment to leadership and community engagement. Please list below all of your relevant extracurricular and volunteer activities.

(Miranda and E2 slowly stand and reach up as they list their accomplishments; E1 pantomimes their activities in the back).

MIRANDA: 2005-2007, Junior Varsity Track Team: Long Jump.  
Pantomime action of Miranda prepping for jump

E2 (Nick): 2005-2006, Novice Rower on Crew Team.  
Pantomime action of erg machine workout

MIRANDA: 2008, Varsity Track Team: Long Jump (up on knees)  
Pantomime action of Miranda prepping for jump

E2 (Nick): 2007-2008, Captain of the Crew Team: A Boat (up on knees)  
Pantomime of intoxicated party "Whoohoo KEGGER!! I am so gonna tap that tonight!"

MIRANDA: 2005-2008, President of the Rennaisance Club (one foot up)  
Pantomime of Miranda excitedly engaged in club

E2 (Nick): 2005-2008, President and founder of Sports Nutrition Club (one foot up)

E1 (Pantomime): "Hey guys who wants to start a club where we get free redbull and cliff bars."

MIRANDA: 2007, Helped Organize Graduation Reception during Junior Year (both feet up, knees bent, crouched over)

E1 (Pantomime): Ok, I'll call the florist. I finished the invitations yesterday. If you guys can meet me at the Gym at 6:30 am we'll start set up.

E2 (Nick): 2008, Prom Committee (same position looks over at Miranda and gives a bro nod)

E1 (Pantomime): Hey guys, guys...Vegas theme.

MIRANDA: (looking at E2 with a hint of desperation) 2007, Library Historical Society (torso up, knees bent)

E1 (Pantomime): So, I organized the books on the Revolution alphabetically by author

E2 (Nick): (self-satisfied) 2007-2008, Student Council (same pose)  
Pantomime, sits in chair snoring

MIRANDA: April 9th-11th Read Shakespeare to 1st Graders (Stands up straight, glares challengingly at E2)  
Pantomime begins "to be or not to be" but Will cuts in

E2 (Nick): Summer 2007, worked at a baseball camp for ten year olds. (stands up)  
At this point they start challenging each other so quickly and with such growing volume that the pantomime cannot keep up and just starts to look from one to the other

MIRANDA: October 6th 2007, organized a bake sale! (hands in the air)

E2 (Nick): January 20th 2007, Picked up garbage on the beach!!!! (stands up straighter, he is taller than she is)

MIRANDA: JUNE 2007, VOLUNTEERED AT THE FOOD BANK SORTING ORANGES AND BAGGING PASTA!!! (noticing how much taller he is, stands on her tip toes)

E2 (Nick): (extremely self-satisfied) September. 2008. Built an eco-friendly chicken coop out of recycled car tires in the garden of a preschool...(during this he has been lazily raising one arm)...for blind kids. (Straightens arm all the way)  
Pantomime becomes the application again, takes out a yard stick and proceeds to measure first Miranda then Will. After measuring Will she smiles and shakes his hand

E1 (Application): We are pleased to welcome you to the Stanford University, Class of 2012.  
Nick walks off and pushes Miranda down as he goes.

E1 (Application): We regret to inform you that we are unable to accept your application to Stanford University Class of 2012. We wish you luck in all your college endeavors.

Phypher II

(A3 enters, A4 tosses a tennis ball onstage from off, A3 chases it)

A1 (Announcer): Do you find yourself distracted?

A3: I mean... (A4 throws another tennis ball)

A1 (Announcer): Are you having trouble focusing?

A3: Well... (A4 throws another tennis ball)

A1 (Announcer): Can you even hear the sound of my voice?

A3: I mean, (A4 hits him with the tennis ball container) aw ow!

A1 (Announcer): Then you need Focusmore, the new anti-add drug from Phypher Pharmaceuticals

A2 Enters and grabs very directly, he forces A3 to focus and put the balls back in the container.

A1 (Announcer): Look at how Focusmore keeps you from getting distracted from anything and everything including such things as (as they happen, we hear these noise from offstage) loud noises, cats, babies, construction, and major medical emergencies.

(A4 enters on fire while A2 is taking the container of tennis balls off. )

A4: Ahhh! Help! I'm on fire!

(A3 attempts to help A4, but A2 gets back in time to make him focus forward)

A1 (Announcer): It's not your problem, not when you have Focusmore! Side effects may include (as before A2 enacts the symptoms as they are read once A3 collapses A2 stands focused on the audience) congestion, neck cricks, joint pain, and loss of toes. Call your doctor before using focus more. It's not your problem, not when you have focus more

Blackout

Cereal II

A3 sits in a chair center stage. He speaks in an Irish accent and holds his hat in his hands. A4 stands next to him in a policeman's hat.

A4 (Police): Why don't you start from the beginning. Slowly this time.

A3 (Lucky): Ok, so there I was, minding me own business when I hear this laughter. Like a child's laugh. All of a sudden, out of the bushes, these...these evil children with hungry looks in their eyes swarm at me from all directions. Then...I....Oh please, don't make me continue!

A4 (Police): It's ok. It's ok. I'm right here. They can't hurt you.

A3 (Lucky): Well, they start chasing me and I'm running as fast as I can, see, but they keep gaining on me. All the while they keep chanting "Give it to us give it to us"!

A4 (Police): What did they want?

A3 (Lucky): They...they

A4 (Police): it's alright

A3 (Lucky): They were after me lucky charms!

A4 (Police): That's terrible

A3 (Lucky): So they finally catch me, and they wrest the food out of my hands. Food I made myself for my family. I got three starving children to feed and they don't pay me enough! And then, to make sure I don't fight back, they roll me into a rug and they cackle incessantly! And then...then...

A4 (Police): What Lucky? What did they do?

A3 (Lucky): They...They made me watch! While they ate me lucky charms! THEY MADE ME WAAAATCH!!!(He bursts into tears) I...I just want the nightmare to end.

A1 (Announcer): Lucky Charms! A healthy part of this balanced breakfast.

A4 (Police): Don't worry Lucky, we'll catch them. Don't you worry, I'll put my two best men on it.

(Enter A1 and A2 as Jack and Timothy (from "Two for the Price of Gun"))

TheLoveDoctor.com

A2 enters and addresses the audience

A2 (The Love Doctor): Men, are you tired of just hanging out with ladies rather than going on dates with them? Ladies are you tired of men ditching you at the drop of a hat and just leaving you hanging? I Thought so. Welcome to the LoveDoctor.com, where we doctor your love. Did you know 1 in 4 successful relationships, that's SUCCESFUL Relationships mind you, start online now? It's the 21st Century. Don't be shy, get with the times.

(A1 and A4 enter and pose in a cutesy couple's profile picture which they break when they speak.)

A1 (Jeffery): I was lost and down in the dumps until I used the love Doctor.com and found my true love. (They exit).

A2 (The Love Doctor): Jeff and Angela are just 1 example of people who have found love on the Love Doctor.com. Using our advanced compatibility algorithm based on over two dozen personality analysis questions we can pinpoint your perfect match.

(A3 enters in a wheelchair and poses with A1 as before)

A3 (Herb): I thought I was too old for love, until I went on the love doctor. com and met Chloe.

A1 (Chloe): I love you Herb. (They exit).

A2 (The Love Doctor): Well, there you have it. Another lovely match from the love doctor.com. There's someone for everyone out there.

(Enter A4 and A3 as before)

A4 (Mira): I was sick and tired of going on quick dates and never finding a real connection. And thats when I met Hanz

A3 (Hanz): German accent Oh Yah!

A2 (The Love Doctor): There you have it folks. The love doctor dot com. We doctor your love.

Dating Profile I

(Miranda (age 24) is alone at home speaking on a phone. She is now around 22. There is a table with a laptop and a chair)

MIRANDA: Yeah mom, yeah I know, I will get a date to Cindy's Wedding... (holds phone away from face) ok you can stop... (holds phone away from face) Sorry Mom... (holds phone away from face) The service is really.... (holds phone away from face) got to go. Love you. Bye.

Sits down, opens her laptop.

MIRANDA: The love doctor.com. Create profile. Lets see. Name, Miranda. Age, 24, Height, 5'5" eye color, grey. Hair color brown. Body type... Athletic.. uhhh... somewhat athletic. Grew up in the Bay Area. Zodiac sign, Leo, but I don't really buy into all those silly zodiac compatibility rules, it's kind of bullshit. Political viewpoints...very liberal. Languages spoken, well, English obviously...oh and I totally still know enough Greek from my semester abroad to count that...

(A3 walks in as a handsome Greek man. Miranda stands and walks towards him)

MIRANDA :But, what if I meet a handsome Greek man who tries to speak Greek to me and I can't follow along and he thinks I'm a lying uncultured American and never wants to see me again. No. No, no no. (A3 exits). How often do you exercise...hah, well, I should start exercising a 4 times a week, let's go with that. (A2 walks in as an athletic guy. Miranda stands and approaches as before.) But what if I meet some really athletic guy and he expects me to work out with him all the time, and I can't keep up and he knows I exaggerated. NO no no! (A2 shrugs and exits) Lets go with once a week... maybe. Do you smoke? NO. But what if I (A4 enters smoking)\- NO! Smoking is disgusting. Hmmm, what else, no children, I have a bachelor's degree...What is your current annual income? Oh god I don't even want to think about THAT. Next question.I love all kinds of animals but sadly do not have any of my own because it's not allowed in my apartment. I want to have a lot of dogs someday... and name them after Greek gods. As far as sports go I'm pretty into running, and I also really love fencing! Give me a sword and I can kick your ass! Yeah, that's cute. What do you like to do in your free time? I sew; I make a lot of my own clothing. Whenever I have the opportunity I love to go to renaissance fairs, those are something I've loved ever since I was 13. I also can spend an entire afternoon in a single section of a museum, I'd love to find someone with the museum stamina I have! As far as tv, books and movies go, I'm a huge nut for the history channel, if I'm watching TV, that's what's on. Books, I'm not too picky, I'll devour anything! If you're not an avid reader, don't even bother, I need someone who can keep up with me intellectually. I like foreign films and classic movies, most of the films that have come out of Hollywood lately are crass and stupid.

(Pause)

MIRANDA : How would you describe your perfect man... should be short (A4 enters and poses)... no, tall (A4 exits, A1 enters and poses)... a little more manly (A1 exits and A2 enters)... not THAT manly (A2 exits and E2 enters and poses). He should be smart (she gives him glasses), well read (she gives him a book), college educated (he looks intensely at the book), Good sense of humor (tickles him). Should share my nerdy hobbies. (She gives him a sword). Willing to travel (She takes his wallet). And most importantly he should be looking for a real connection and commitment (he pulls out a ring and gets down on one knee). Yeah. _(walks back to the table)_ I'm Miranda Hughes, and I want someone who's as nerdy as I am.

Old Spice II

A1 walks in as the Old Spice guy as before

A1: Hello ladies are you tired of your man smelling like lady scented bath wash. Try Old Spice. By the way, my pants are on backwards. Blackout

Perfume II

A2 Enters and jumps around like an Animal for a while. He finally stops and in front of the audience and sprays perfume.

A2:Wolverine, by Primal

Rejection

(Miranda (age 24) walks forward in the same manner each time, though she becomes slowly more dejected with each passing rejection. Each of the others walk up as if they were window shopping)

MIRANDA:(Stepping forward) My name is Miranda Hughes and I want someone who's as nerdy as I am! (freezes in a pose)

(A3 walks on looks her up and down, shakes his head and walks off, Miranda takes a step back)

MIRANDA: (Stepping forward) My name is Miranda Hughes and I want someone who's as nerdy as I am! (freezes in a pose)

(A1 walks up, considers, sneers in disgust and walks off, Miranda takes a step back)

MIRANDA: (Stepping forward farther) My name is Miranda Hughes and I want someone who's as nerdy as I am! (freezes in a pose)

(A4 walks on, glances, laughs at her and walks away, We see this reaction hit Miranda as she steps back)

MIRANDA: (Almost jumping to get in the way of the passers-by) My name is Miranda Hughes and I want someone who's as nerdy as I am! (freezes in a pose)

(A2 enters barely glances at her and pushes her out of the way)

MIRANDA: (stands up, speaks very timidly) I'm Miranda Hughes and I want someone who is as nerdy as I am. (E1 walks on as a very butch lesbian; look at Miranda makes eyes of fear and walks away).

Dos XXs II

(Lights up on A2 as the XX man sitting in a pile of beer bottles music as before).

A3 (Announcer): He'll strike you dead, with his looks. After a long day, he has a drink with his best friend: his beard. It's a lonely life being the most interesting man in the world, but like all things in life: lonely is something he excels in being. He is the most interesting man in the world

A2 (XX Man): I don't always drink beer but when I do, I drink a great deal. I'm thirsty my friends. _(Drinks.)_

Political I

A4 enters dressed in a suit enters the stage holding his coat on his shoulder.

A4 (Jim): Hi, I'm Jim Cunningham. You don't know me and you probably don't care, but for the next few seconds, I'm going to point out all the things that's wrong with this country and what's wrong with my opponent, Rod Erickson, who you probably have never heard of either.(enter couple w/baby He goes over to a couple and kisses their baby). See how I just kissed a baby? That's how you know I care about your family. Now I'm gonna talk your ear off about how Rod Erickson does things that are bad for the economy or my religion, which you probably don't share. I will do this all while smiling so you don't think all the stuff I'm saying is brazenly douchey and petty. Cue embarrassing photo of my rival back before he was even relevant to this conversation.

A3 walks in and takes up a strange pose

A4 (Jim): Do you want your country in the hands of such a dork? I don't think so. (pushes A3 offstage) Now I'm going to go into detail about why I'm right for the position that you don't care about because of my useless list of qualifications. I'm going to make a lot of empty promises that I probably won't keep once elected, but they sound awesome, so you start to think that you might vote for me.. So vote for Jim Cunningham because you don't have any better ideas. I'm Jim Cunningham and I approve this message (poses with his knee ben and his thumb up).

Cereal III

A2 sits as Tony the Tiger eating a box of Frosted Flakes while A3 as a kid is swinging a bat.

A2 (Tony): Alright Timmy, you just gotta choke up on the bat a bit more and keep your eyes on the ball.

A3 swings and falls

A3 (Timmy): I'm just not getting it Tony. My form is getting better, but I'm not strong enough to hit the ball.

A2 (Tony): That's not true, Timmy. You just need energy. And nothing gives you energy like Frosted Flakes! A powerful kick of whole grains to help keep you going for hours. (hands Timmy some Frosted Flakes)

A3 (Timmy): Umm, these frosted flakes taste really good!

A2 (Tony): They're not just good, Timmy, they're GRRRR-EAT!

They high five

A3 (Timmy): Thanks Tony!

A2 (Tony): You're welcome, Timmy. Would you excuse me, a minute? I gotta use the bathroom.

A3 (Timmy): Sure Tony!

Timmy exits. Tony looks around to make sure no one's around. He takes out some frosted flakes, grinds them up and separates them into lines. He then begins to snort them like coke.

A2 (Tony): Whew! Oh yeah! I'm feeling pumped!! I need another hit. (Timmy reenters)

A3 (Timmy): Hey Tony, are you coming ba--- Tony? What are you doing?

A2 (Tony): You talking to me? What? You got a problem or something? Never seen a tiger do lines in a bathroom?! How do you think I stay so pumped?! Huh?! HUH?!!

A3 (Timmy): L-look, Tony I was just-

A2 (Tony): Don't you fucking judge me! You don't know me!! YOU DON"T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'VE BEEN THROUGH!!!

A3 (Timmy): Whoa! Tony, I-

(He roars and Timmy faints. Tony then addresses the audience)

A2 (Tony): GRRRAA!! I am amped MOTHER FUCKERS!! I've never felt so alive!!! I feel GRRRREAT!

(He stays frozen in a horrible snarl for a beat, blackout.)

A1 (Announcer): Frosted Flakes a healthy part of a balanced breakfast!

Blackout

Craig McCoy

E2 as Craig McCoy, the head of a midsize publishing firm surveys the city from his corner office. He paces back and forth in front of the audience with his arms folded behind back. He eventually goes to drink some scotch and puts his feet up on desk. Craig moves slowly, powerfully and deliberately. E1 as Susan, his secretary, enters.

E1 (Susan): Mr McCoy, there's a Miranda Hughes here to see you

E2 motions for her to come over, after a moment she walks over and starts rubbing his shoulders

E2 (Craig): Who's here to see me?

E1 (Susan): Miranda Hughes. She'll be here in a minute

E1 (Susan) goes to leave, E2 (Craig) slaps her butt, she gives him a look, but it is obvious that this is a common occurrence. She exits. He hides his drink, tightens his tie and looks over her resume. Miranda (age 25) enters tentatively. She speaks the first three line in a very nervous stream of consciousness fashion each time she continues speaking for quite a while until McCoy cuts her off.

MIRANDA: Um...excuse me....I was just... I'm Miranda Hughes and....well I'm just... (continues speaking for a while giving no real information.)

E2 (Craig): Sit (he motions for her to sit)

MIRANDA: Mr. McCoy...Sir...I was here because....well... As you know the head of the historical department was retiring, and I (She continues again. Eventually he pulls out his drink again. He sips for a while and eventually offers her some)

E2 (Craig): Thirsty?

MIRANDA: I would never drink on the job, that would be completely unprofessional and (E2 (Craig) Drinks, Miranda realizes) Oh, I didn't mean...

E2 (Craig): _(standing up)_ Dear, do you know why we have the interview? It's so you can sell yourself to me (he sits on the desk right in front of her he slowly moves his leg to brush up against hers)

MIRANDA: I don't understand.

E2 (Craig)Tell me about your family.

MIRANDA: _(very nervously)_ Mom was in real estate, dad was in programming

E2 (Craig): What were they, Rich? Poor?

MIRANDA: Relatively well off,

E2 (Craig): Only Child?

MIRANDA: Yes

E2 (Craig): So you obviously had money for college. Where did you go?

MIRANDA: Ithaca College

E2 (Craig) _(quietly)_ What?

MIRANDA: Ithaca College

E2 (Craig) _(quietly at first)_ No, (then screaming) What?!!

MIRANDA: It's a small liberal arts college.

E2 (Craig): What does that mean to me?

MIRANDA: I studied anthropology there... and the department...(once again she goes on a long rant about her great professors and the great college experience she had)

E2 (Craig) _(he leans over her)_ Dear, dear, dear. All I'm hearing is words and more words. You need something short, something (he strokes her cheek) sweet. A Catchphrase if you will, that sells me on your college. What is it?

MIRANDA: I don't know. I don't think it has one.

E2 (Craig): Think of something... Take your time.

MIRANDA: (after taking a moment to find the courage Miranda stands and with confidence) I don't think you can sum it up in a catchphrase. Isn't it about the experience? Isn't it more important what I did with my college experience? Aren't I supposed to be selling myself?

E2 (Craig): ( _Standing and approaching her)_ Yes. There it is. Sell yourself

MIRANDA: Okay what would you like to know?

E2 (Craig) _(He repeats "what would I like to know?" over and over again while approaching her until he has backed her into a wall.)_ What would I like to know...What would I like to know? what would I like to know? (pause) What is your greatest... asset?

MIRANDA: Well... I think my greatest asset is... my dedication to the things that are important to me. As I've already told you this job is very important to me and something I would very much love to do and do anything for.

E2 (Craig): _(he leans in as if he is about to kiss her. Right before he does he breaks away and walks back to his desk)_ Anything eh? Tell me, do you have a boyfriend?

MIRANDA: What?

E2 (Craig): Simple Question. Do you have a boyfriend?

MIRANDA: Not at the moment

E2 (Craig): And why is that?

MIRANDA: I just haven't met the right guy.

E2 (Craig): The right guy. The right guy... dear. If you sell yourself every guy is the right guy.

MIRANDA: I don't see how that is relevant

E2 (Craig): _(He sits and motions for her to approach)_ Come here. (She moves quickly to the far side of the desk) No, no. (She slowly walks around the desk) Come here. Closer... closer...give me your hand. (He takes her trembling hand and pulls it slowly over his shoulder and towards his crouch)You're 25. You had a good upbringing, supportive parents. Good college, sort of. You had everything you ever wanted. All the resources you needed to get where you wanted, to get where I am. All the opportunities wasted. Now you're 24, dead end job, didn't go to a top college, no boyfriend. Why is that?

MIRANDA: I don't know

E2 (Craig): _(he jerks her hand down so that her head is at the same level as his. He whispers in her ear)_ It's because you don't sell yourself!

Miranda breaks away and rushes to the other end of the room. E2 (Craig) pauses, then very violently stands up and kicks his chair. He lunges toward her and grabs her arm. She crumples to her knees.

E2 (Craig): You're not selling yourself. SELL YOURSELF GODDAMMIT!

E1(Susan) peaks her head in.

E1(Susan): Mr. McCoy, the inspector is waiting for you in the conference room (exits).

E2 (Craig): _(pauses for a moment and then drops her and walks to his desk.)_ After reviewing your application I do not believe you have what it takes for this position. I am however, recommending you for a promotion in another department, accounting. Now, I have meeting to attend (takes a few papers and exits, Miranda is left sobbing on the floor)

E1(Susan) enters

E1 (Susan): Come here honey. Here sit down. (offers her a chair) Get yourself off the floor. (helps her up) It will be alright. Tissue? (gives her a tissue, she blows) Now, Miranda right? Listen Miranda. I know Craig can be an asshole. Frankly, the world is full of assholes. And I know it may seem harsh, but everything he says is true. You have to sell yourself if you want to get anything in the world. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. Just a little smile here, a little air of confidence, a word now and again. It's an important lesson, and I wish I learned it earlier, because it got a lot easier for me once I learned to sell myself. And from one woman to another, the world is full of Craig McCoys. Alright? Now come with me and I'll help you fill out a new application.

Lights to half. The stage is cleared. Miranda's theme plays, but ends discordantly. She is left wandering the stage. She hums her theme to herself.

Climax

(Miranda wanders the stage as the lights slowly come up. Eventually A4 walks on whistling a jingle ("the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup") He leaves and Miranda starts humming this jingle. A3 enters and does the same thing with the kit kat jingle. A1 with Meow mix, A2 with "Ba dup bup ba ba I'm loving it" and finally A4 again with "like a good neighbor state farm is there." Each time Miranda gets the jingle stuck in her head. Finally she becomes overwhelmed by them all, but shakes it off. A1 and A2 enter in a James Bond-esque pose (as if on a billboard. Miranda approaches them and looks closely.)

A4 (from off): Two for the Price of Gun two! The rise of Timothy! (Miranda jumps back and starts walking faster, A1 and A2 exit)

(A4 walks on in the Jim Cunningham pose that A3 will later steal for his Rod Erickson ad)

A4: _(when Miranda approaches)_ Vote me, because you're sold on my honest looks and great personality!

(Miranda jumps back again A3 comes in as Lucky from Lucky Charms and strikes a pose, Miranda looking the other way almost walks into him)

A3: I sold them too well and now they're always after me lucky charms!

(A4 enters in vacationing man pose from the Exotic Voyages commercial)

A2 (Announcer): Exotic Voyages, Book the journey of your lifetime today!

A4 (Bob): I'm so sold I'm going to s- (makes groaning noise as when he had Diarrhea in the vacation Ad, Miranda backs away into A2 behind her in the Phypher pharmaceuticals pose Joyforall pose. She bumps into him and screams)

A1 (Announcer): Phypher Pharmaceuticals! Solve your problems with drugs!

(Miranda is running around the stage now trying to escape these ads A4 comes in hunched over a bowl of trix and poses as the Trix Rabbit)

A4 (Trix Rabbit): _(in a high pitched happy voice)_ Hey. Hey you. (Miranda looks at him tentatively) Yeah, you. I'd sell anything for some Trix. He starts to approach her) You got any? Come on! I'll do anything for a fix (he fades into the background).

(Miranda rushes on. A2 comes on growling as in the Primal perfume commercial. He growls, and approaches Miranda, and smells her like an animal)

A2: Sell your wild side, honey! (A2 exits and A1 walks on and takes up the Old Spice guys pose)

A1: Hello Miranda (Miranda jumps), Look at yourself, now back to me now back at yourself, now back to me. Don't you wish you could sell yourself like me? Don't you wish that everyone wanted a piece of you? (A3 enters and chases Miranda as a zombie from the Zombie car commercial the Adsemble corners her as they enter) Don't you want people to look at you when you walk by? (A4 enters as the final perfume model (see below). Don't you want people to care who you are? What you do? (Miranda tries to escape and A2 jumps on blocking her way as Tony The Tiger) Don't you want to be successful? Then learn to SELL YOURSELF!

MIRANDA: (she tries to push them away) No! What's wrong with just being me? Why can't I be honest? What is wrong with following my dreams? (eventually she is forced into the pose that we saw her in at the top of the show the Adsemble look at each other nod and exit)

Two for the Price of Gun III

(A1 is standing and A2 is sitting in a wheelchair, they both carry guns all of the action sequences involve the wheelchair in interesting ways.)

A3 (Police Commissioner): Well boys, it's been swell serving with you two. Say hi to the missus Tim, and enjoy your retirements.

A2(John): You little shit.

Blackout

A4 (Announcer): But when the police commissioner turns up dead.

Lights up, the police commissioner is dead on the floor everyone else is in the exact same positions.

A1 (Timothy): He was beaten to death by twelve hookers and then put through a centrifuge, John.

A4 (Announcer): It's up to New York's finest geezers, to catch the culprit.

Action

A3 (Timothy's Wife): You're supposed to be retired. We're through!

Action

A4 (Announcer): The Hunt is On

A2 (John): Let's kill the bastards. Kill them all!

Action

A4 (Announcer): In TWO FOR THE PRICE OF GUN: 3 OLD GUYS WITH GUNS

A1 (Timothy): We came out of retirement for this John

A2 (John): IS THAT ALL YOU GOT MOTHERFUCKER?

GUNSHOT

Blackout

Political II

A3 (Rod Erickson): Hi, I'm Rod Erickson. Did you know last year Jim Cunningham helped open up a hospital? (he clicks an imaginary clicker and A4 enters as Jim Cunningham frozen in the pose from the climax (foot raised hand giving a thumbs up)) Did you also know that this hospital was opened specifically for the purpose of finding a cure for AIDs, HIV and other STDs? (clicks again A2 enters and positions himself as if he is being punched by A4's thumbs up, as if it were photo-shopped in) What sort of lifestyle is he preaching? Does he support pre-marital sex? Is he perhaps hiding something about his own sexual orientation? Can you trust your children around him? Vote me and I will make sure that our hospitals spend more time preventing sex than actively encouraging it. We all know STDs are just god's way of punishing pre-marital sex offenders. Did you also know that Jim Cunningham gave 40,000 dollars last year to the local prison system? (clicks again, now A2 moves and is being stepped on by A4's slightly raised foot) What kind of message is he sending? That murderers and rapists should be treated fairly? Is this because he feels a certain kinship with these people? Can you trust your family around a man who sympathizes with murderers? Vote me and I promise to keep our money in our pockets and not towards helping the bane of society. And finally, (clicks again, A2 moves as if the give A4 a blowjob) Jim Cunningham recently sued me for defamation and perjury but earlier this year he said that he was against clogging courts with frivolous lawsuits. Wouldn't this make him a hypocrite? Can you trust a man with such a floppy political position? Would you want your children to become hypocrites? Vote Rod Erickson and I promise never to be accused of being a homosexual murderer. I'm Rod Erickson and I approve this message (Takes up the exact same pose that A4(Jim) is holding in the back).

Dating Profile II

(The same set up as the first dating profile. Miranda (age 25) enters and collapses into the chair. She begins to read a magazine that is sitting on the table.)

A1: (From off) Are you feeling down in the dumps? Try- (Miranda turns the page violently and it cuts off A1's voice)

A2: Is your love life not ful- (cuts off as before)

A3: Feel more beautiful toda- (throws magazine aside looks at computer, finally she opens up the laptop)

A2 (The Love Doctor): Welcome back to the love doctor dot com Miranda! You have had zero new requests since the last time you visited. Click here to view and send requests to possible matches!

MIRANDA: What am I doing wrong? What are all these other women doing differently? What do men even want? Let's look...

(E1 enters with a sexy swagger and addresses the audience in a Russian accent. Throughout the monologue Miranda becomes more and more frustrated)

E1 (Olga): KCHHHHHello, my name iz Olga, I come from Ukraine. I have 23 years, but everybody tell me I look I have 18 years. I am very friendly and love to meet new people. I come to America looking for good time with sexy American man. I like going to club and shopping and go on adventures. In Ukraine iz very cold so I like travel to beach and tropical places where weather iz almost as hot as my body. I am tall like Swedish supermodel, but with curves like Ural mountains. In Ukraine I was international gymnast in contortion and now in America I still like to keep body fit and limber, but I prefer work out in bed to work out in gym. Up to now my love life iz been strictly Socialist everybody share, but now I look for my one Capitalist to keep me happy. If you think you have what it takes to explore this exciting part of Eastern Europe massage me.

MIRANDA: Uh...UGhh...But do men really fall for that?

(E2 enters as a bro and addresses the audience. E1 stays on and throughout she eyes him with intense interest)

E2 (Chaz): Sup, I'm Chaz. I am from So Cal, USC!!! and I am 24 years young, man.  
I am looking for a woman who is as good looking as I am, fit but not muscular, and easily ranks a ten on the hotness scale; tan skin is essential. She must be fun, adventurous, spontaneous and willing to have hot, crazy sex as often as humanly possible, wherever is humanly possible: beach, mountainside, meadow, closet, wherever. I want someone who I can share as deep a connection with as possible. I don't want someone who will try to control parts of my life, or try to change my ways. She should be willing to accept my habits and not be overly controlling of my life. She needs a sense of humor and a fun side that she is very willing to show. I want a woman who will be able to be on my level, and who is willing to do things with me, to have fun. (he notices Olga) I just want someone who's willing to just do it, you know? They move in closer and she jumps into his arms.

MIRANDA: Woah...(muttering) Delete profile...

A2 (The Love Doctor): Are you sure you would like to delete your profile?

MIRANDA: Yes!

A2 (The Love Doctor): Have you really given up on love?

MIRANDA: Shut up!

A2 (The Love Doctor): Enjoy being sad and alone without the help of the love doctor!

MIRANDA: Uh...Create...new...profile. Age: 23 Height: 5'7" Eye color: Blue Hair color: chestnut brown Body type: (looks at body) Slender and curvy Zodiac Sign:Leo, so I'm extroverted, generous, warm, bright, and self-motivated. Current income: I'm successfully employed in publishing and am moving up quickly through the company despite my young age. Languages Spoken: I'm always up for adventure, I've spent much of my life traveling exotic locations. I speak fluent Greek. I'm cultured in the arts and well-read but I assure you I'm not a bore. It's an adventure to explore the city, finding new gallery openings and book events. I'm very athletic, always ready for a run or a hike, or something a little more unusual like fencing if that's what you're into. (looks at it) Delete, deletedeletedeletedeletedeletedelete. I'm very athletic, always ready for a run or a hike, or something a little more unusual. Animals are wonderful, but never enough to take the place of the right guy. How would you describe your perfect man? He could be short (A4 enters)...or tall (A1 enters). I like a man that works out (A2 enters and the others got to leave), but, (Standing and going to them) that shouldn't be his only hobby (they come back. He should pay attention to me (they focus intensely on her). And you know what He doesn't need to be as well read as I am (A3 enters unintelligently). He should be able to make me laugh (they laugh mechanically) and be ready to have a good time. (They start chanting "Miranda" over and over again.) Yeah, I'm Miranda Hughes and I want someone who wants to have a good time.

Lights to half, stage is cleared Miranda stays on in center stage

Rejection II

(Miranda walks forward as before and says over and over again)

MIRANDA: I'm Miranda Hughes and I want someone who wants to have a good time! (A4 walks on, looks at her, raises his eyebrows and whistles.) I'm Miranda Hughes and I want someone who wants to have a good time! (A3 comes on licks his lips and says "oh yeah") I'm Miranda Hughes and I want someone who wants to have a good time! (A1 walks on and gives her his phone number and says "Call me") I'm Miranda Hughes and I want someone who wants to have a good time! (E2 walks on in the outfit of her perfect man. He looks at her, shakes his head, and then walks away. She looks after him and starts to call out) wait, but I was just kidding, this isn't me, I- (A2 enters and offers his arms. Eventually Miranda gives up and A2 fireman carries her off)

Phypher III

**(A3** enters frightened and a little crazy)

A1: Do you hear strange voices form the sky?

A3: Oh God!

A1: Do you get beaten up by imaginary men regularly?

A4 enters texting, A3 panics and hides

A4: (nonchalantly) Hey George

A1: Have you taken drugs that look like large hairy men?

A3: No, no no! (He has a heart attack and dies)

A1: Then you need Crazeless! (A2 enters with a wild look on his face. As A1 speaks he walks over looks at the body and then poses over it.) The new anti-psychotic drug from Phypher, side effects include jaundice, loss of tentacles, spontaneous combustion, death by heart attack, death by falling, and death by death. Call your doctor before using Crazeless, because your reality is better if you're dead.

Perfume III

A4 walks in to very sensual music, as a fashion model, takes off his shirt, and sprays perfume.

A4: Sahara, by Michael Cox

Old Spice/Dos XXs

A2 as the XX man and A1 as the Old Spice guy are very drunk on the floor together. A4's body is on the ground in the background. There are XX bottles everywhere. The Dos Equis music starts.

A3 (Announcer): His beard has known more adventure than most men know in their entire life.

A2 (XX Man): Shut up! (throws a bottle music stops abruptly)

A1 (Old Spice Guy): Hello most interesting man in the world, Look at yourself, now back to me, now back at yourself (A2 (XX Man) cuts him off)

A2 (XX Man): (smells the Old Spice guy) When I was a sailboat captain in Tiera Del Fuego, I met a man who smelled like you.

A1 (Old Spice Guy): Look again the beer is diamonds! So the other day I was riding a horse

A2 (XX Man): No

A1 (Old Spice Guy): then I did a swan dive ont-

A2 (XX Man): No

A1 (Old Spice Guy): But then I-

A2 (XX Man):No... No... No... No... Stop trying so hard. My advice to you, find the thing in life you are good at and do it.

A1 (Old Spice Guy):All I can do is smell nice!

A2 (XX Man): My advice to you is to leave the tight pants to the ladies, if I can count the change in your pocket, you should be using it to call a tailor

A1 (Old Spice Guy) ( _Starts sobbing)_ My pants are on backwards!

A2 (XX Man): My advice to you is...(giving up) I'm thirsty my friend (drinks and collapses)

Blackout, old spice jingle

Bar Scene

Miranda's theme plays, but is interrupted by loud club music. Lights up on Miranda (age 26) standing at a bar looking nervously around. A guy comes up and stands next to her.

A2: Hey, can I buy you a drink?

MIRANDA: Um, sure.

A2: what are you drinking?

MIRANDA: Well, uh, Martini

A2: I'll have two of whatever she's having. So what do you do for a living?

MIRANDA: I work in publishing

A2: Ooh, interesting, how's that? (They continue to talks quietly while E1 enters and stands at the other end of the bar. A3 enters and stands next to her.)

A3: Hey, baby, are you here with anyone?

E1: Not yet. (looking at A2, to him) Hey ponytail.

A2: (To Miranda) Hang on a second. (To E1) Hey, do I know you?

E1: Not yet

MIRANDA: (as A2 starts flirting with E1) No, no way, this is not happening. Not  
anymore. (Grabbing A2 and turning him around) Hey, my name is Miranda, what's yours?

A2: Giovanni

E1: Wow, that's really nice. Is it Brazilian?

A2: No.

MIRANDA: Its Italian.

A2: Yes, yes it is. (turning his attention back to Miranda)

E1: Italian! So it's true what they say about Italian men. (A2 turns back to her. She starts talking to both men)

A2: What do they say?

A3: (standing awkwardly) Hi... I'm Todd...

(As Miranda speaks A1 starts walking by, Miranda grabs him by the arm and pins him to the bar)

MIRANDA: Hey there, I'm Miranda I really want to see the world and travel to exotic places. (Attention is turned back to her)

E1: (loudly) You know, I've never been to Europe, but my family is part Norwegian.  
Miranda: (to A1) My name is Miranda. I loooove to travel, you look like  
the... adventurous type. (All guys turn their heads and look at her)

A3: Hi... I'm, Todd.

A2: (taking Miranda's hand) Shall we dance?

E1: (Walks over and stands in front of A2, drops something and picks it up slowly). Oops I dropped something!

(All of the men freeze. Miranda and E1 face off. The theme from the good the bad and the ugly plays. They exchange phrases and motions "come here often?" "I'm thirsty" each time doing a cheesy move like the bend and snap. After one does a move the men start moving in a line towards her. When they are about to get there the other woman does something else. Eventually Miranda "wins" by doing something very provocative perhaps taking off clothes. E1 tries to get the men back, but they circle around Miranda and follow her out. Right before she leaves she turns to E1 and says)

MIRANDA: Honey, you just gotta learn to sell yourself!

Iowa

A3 (Travel agent): Do you yearn for a simpler time? A time when a man knew all his neighbors by name. when noxious smog was beyond comprehension? When you had to walk a mile to get cell phone coverage. Join us in our newest tour to Bloomfield Iowa, with rolling fields of corn and only one store in town you're sure to taste the slow boring life you crave. and it's great for kids too! We have a lovely ice cream parlor with 5 different flavors! We'll even provide authentic Iowan transportation a ford F150. Now I know some people say that Iowa stands for I owe the world an apology, or I ought to went around, but that isn't true. It's more like Inert... Ordinary... White...and American. So visit Bloomfield today, we promise it's not as bad as it sounds. Exotic voyages, book the journey of your lifetime today.

Blackout

Two for the Price of Gun IV

A4 (Announcer): In what critics are calling the most entertaining sequel to a film since Lethal Weapon 4. The duo is back. But this time they're facing an even more formidable enemy than before...A failing economy.

Lights up on A1 and A2 in chairs center stage. They are very old.

A2 (John): Welcome to Wal-Mart

A1 (Timothy): Have a nice day!

A3 enters and walks across the stage as if entering a store. The music from the action sequences plays, and he looks like he is about to say something to them, but decides against it and keeps walking.

A2 (John): I hate this shit

A1 (Timothy): Suck it up partner

A2 (John): I hate being old. Back in the day we'd have killed these cocksuckers—Welcome to Wal-Mart ma'am! (shoots off)

A4 (Announcer): They're Old, Alone, and their 401ks were destroyed in the financial crisis.

A1 (Timothy): Pass the flask over here, John.(They both start crying)

A2 (John): At least we've got each other, man.

A4 (Announcer): TWO FOR THE PRICE OF GUN: 4 RECESSION!

A1 and A2: Welcome to Wal-Mart

GUNSHOT

Blackout

The Sales Pitch

(Miranda stands on a box, in a neutral pose, center stage. She stays frozen here until either E1 (Pamela) or E2 (Craig) comes and moves her. E2 (Craig) enters.)

E2 (Craig): I've got three words for you. Three words. Beauty, Intelligence, and Obedience. Beauty, Intelligence and Obedience. The perfect addition to any office. The perfect centerpiece of a secretary for your entryway. She is exactly what you need in all the right ways, and she will make all the other CEOs jealous. Trust me, I know..

E1 (Pamela): So if you follow me right this way we have a very nice model, the Miranda Hughes. A nice modern girl with strong features. She has an extensive history of track, which is very popular right now. Trust me, this is not a fixer upper.

E2 (Craig): Beauty. Just imagine walking into your office and seeing this face. This lovely face. She will greet your customers with open arms and willing eyes.

E1 (Pamela): She has a strong history as well. And even with her past of one of the top preschools around (moves her into and intelligent pose), as well as Stanford University (another intelligent pose), she is quite a reasonable price. As long as you keep her in good condition, she will serve you well.

E2 (Craig): Intelligence. She's a good worker too. You have never met a harder worker. Let me tell you she gets things done. Anything you want. She'll do whatever you need whether that's paperwork, answering phone calls, or just picking things up (bends her over smiles out to the audience). You know, whatever you need.

E1 (Pamela): (Returns her upright) So as you see the general presentation of this unit is a young cosmopolitan female with nice brown trimmings that is really in vogue lately. Blonde is so last season. And, of course, her award winning smile. (pause looks at Miranda) Her award winning smile (smacks her face Miranda smiles).

E2 (Craig): Look at that smile. That laugh. (tickles her she laughs mechanically). It just brightens up any room. And of course she is always professional, very professional, with very professional (unbuttons blouse) attire.

E1 (Pamela): And the support of a strong successful family (puts Miranda's hand on her own shoulder) has made this particular unit very... structurally sound, so don't worry about any damage in case of natural disasters.

E2 (Craig): Obedience. Throw any project her way, she'll do it. No questions asked.

E1 (Pamela): If you're looking to start a family, I insist that Miranda Hughes is perfect for you, and renovation (moves Miranda's hand to stomach) would not be too costly or difficult.

E2 (Craig): (stroking her up and down) Soft hair, soft skin. And above all, very...discrete.

E1 (Pamela): Always stands up straight (pushes her up straight).

E2 (Craig):Shows off her... work ethic (pushes chest forward) and will do whatever it takes to move up in your company. (they begin circling her and shooting comments as if they were orders, faster and faster)

E1 (Pamela): She emulates her mother

E2 (Craig): She always obeys orders

E1 (Pamela): She always has a date to weddings.

E2 (Craig): She knows when to open her mouth and when to keep it shut.

E1 (Pamela): She does everything with her future in mind.

E2 (Craig): She comes when you call.

E1 (Pamela): She never disobeys her family.

E2 (Craig): Makes the most of what she has.

E1 (Pamela): Never engages in frivolous fantasy.

E2 (Craig): Knows how to work the skills that she has.

E1 (Pamela): Always makes the grade.

E2 (Craig): Moves up the ladder quickly.

E1 (Pamela): Knows that her mother always knows best. (They both make it back to their sides and face front)

E2 (Craig): Miranda Hughes

E1 (Pamela): Miranda Hughes

E2 (Craig): She's a girl that just-

E1 (Pamela): She just-

Both: Sells herself.

During the curtain call, Miranda remains frozen center stage as she did at the top of the show. The rest of the cast points to her as if to bow and yet she does not move.

*****

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*****

Wild World

**The Process**

Water, water, everywhere, but not a drop to drink. People, people everywhere but not a friend in sight. This sentiment of walking alone while immersed in a crowd was what gave birth to the third and final play in this collection. Unlike the others in this book, this play was born out of a setting more than an idea. That setting was New York City. It was conceived in an apartment in Washington Heights, written in Central Park and rehearsed everywhere from a subway station in Harlem to the basement of The New Yorker. It was finally produced at a small theatre in Brooklyn. The play was a product of the place and the place became a character in the play.

It was sitting in the tiny kitchen in my apartment that Shanan and I decided to create this piece. We were driven to represent the pervasive condition that plagues the Big Apple: that sinking impression of being utterly alone, when pressed into a crowd full of people. As a vehicle for this idea we chose to create a character with an aversion to strangers: the kind of person who spent most of her time alone. We created this character in much the same way the lead characters in _lol:/_ and _Truth in Advertising_ were created (building a backstory, crafting a physicality and a voice). Yet this time we pushed for someone who would find it difficult to break this status quo of the silent crowds, someone who would never reach out to a stranger. We also knew that we wanted to engage with the idea of leaving a character on stage alone with nothing to say for a long period of time, to create, not just represent the monotony of the everyday. Therefore, we formed a character that would be prone to spending a lot of time alone.

The other character in the play originally did not have a name, and in the final text of the play his name is never said. At one point we toyed with the idea of him being a representation of all of the characters that Josie met. In the end we used a similar backstory method of creating this other character, but did so with an eye for keeping a sense of mystery about him. He was all that Josie was not. Even though he had a backstory, he was as much a character as he was a force of nature or set of principles that he explains in his final monologue. The other characters and the setting blend together. When we created John Evans, our intention was for his speech to be a one man embodiment of the crowd noise.

In terms of structure we wanted to experiment with several ideas: scenes that mirrored each other, scenes that were only a single person on stage and time jumps. We decided that every other scene would be Josie alone onstage. We then created all of the scenes with both characters and experimented with what Josie's reactions to these events would be. These main scenes were all stolen from the locations that we were moving though at the time: a park, a street, an apartment, the subway etc. We created a street while walking down a street and adapted it for the theatre. We sat on park bench and put what we saw on paper. We rode the subway and stole its movements for the many subway scenes.

We spoke much about how to end the show. In our minds there were two competing themes: the overpowering reality existent in the first half and the practically cliché romantic comedy in the second half. The question was to let the romantic comedy win over or to have reality creep back in. In the end it was this decision that led us to our title and the use of Cat Stevens as the soundtrack. We felt that he tackled these competing themes in both his lyrics and his music: the fantasy of a "Moonshadow," the reality of the "Wild World," and the debate in "Father and Son". Overall the show was a pleasure to work on and it represents a snapshot of our lives in the city at the time. We hope that you enjoy.

-Terry Fletcher

*****

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*****

### Wild World

### Written and Directed by

### Terry Fletcher

### Shanan Wolfe

### First produced in association with the Bushwick Starr Theatre

### JOSIE: Shanan Wolfe

### NICK: Terry Fletcher

Prologue

The stage is bare, with the exception of a single chair upstage center. Nick, a clean-cut, charismatic man in his mid-twenties, enters from stage left whistling "Wild World" by Cat Stevens. We never hear Nick's name over the course of the play, and there is always something a little off about him. He is carrying a chair identical to the one on stage and a backpack. He walks on, spots the audience, spots the chair, smiles, and places the chair next to the other. He looks at them both, looks back at the audience, and goes back to whistling. Exit stage right.

Scene I: Strangers

Crowd noise and rain noise comes up. Josie, an unassuming, reserved and plain woman in her early twenties enters from SR with an umbrella. In the entirety of the scene Jose never looks up or meets Nick's eyes. As she walks she is constantly impeded by an invisible crowd. After a moment of ducking and dodging she makes it across and exits stage left. Crowd noise dies down. Crowd noise comes up again, this time it is more of a murmur. Josie moves more slowly across the stage this time as if caught in a crowd all moving in the same direction. She exits right and the noise dies back down. The noise comes up, much louder this time. Josie enters from right fighting her way through people as if moving against the motion of traffic, almost getting knocked down as she does. After a moment of fighting she makes it across and exits SL. The noise dies down. We hear the crowd noise as it was at the beginning. Josie enters SL and Nick enters SR. They each bump into a few people walking in and then almost run into each other. Josie ducks out of the way, but Nick stops, turns, and watches her leave.

A subway "ding" is heard.

Nick sits on the upstage left chair with his arm stretched over the chair to the right. He moves as if on a subway. The train stops. Josie gets on, looks for a seat, spots the one next to Nick, thinks better of it, and then grabs an invisible pole just as the train starts again. We see them standing in silence as the train moves for a moment. The train stops again, Nick notices Josie and moves his arm. She sits down. He moves as if to talk to her, but she sits and ignores him. They sit in silence as the train moves for a beat. The train stops. Nick gives her one last look and gets off the train. He exits left. (note: whenever the characters are on the subway, this is only displayed by their body movements, stopping, starting, etc.)

A subway "ding" is heard.

Josie stands and walks down left as if she is about to exit, Nick comes on in a hurry. They almost run into each other. The both go left, and then both go right. Nick tries to make a game out of it by dancing back and forth but Josie freezes up and does not respond. Eventually Nick steps aside and lets her past.

**NICK** : Go ahead.

Josie exits left. Nick looks after her.

A subway "ding" is heard.

Nick turns and grabs on to vertical subway pole. He rides for a moment. The subway stops. Josie gets on and fights her way through and eventually grabs the same pole. It is clear that this is a very crowded subway. They are both jostled repeatedly. When the train stops next Josie loses her balance and slams into him.

**NICK** : I'm so sorry, are you okay?

Josie does not respond and she hurries off the subway, embarrassed.

A subway "ding" is heard.

Nick exits stage right as Josie enters from stage right. Traffic noise up. She looks out at the audience as if she is about to cross the street. She looks several times and gives up. She looks down and waits. Nick enters behind her, stage right. He moves quickly to the edge of the street He looks once or twice and then speeds across. Josie notices him and follows. Both exit stage left.

A subway "ding" is heard.

Josie enters stage left. She fumbles in her bag for her subway card. She gets it, walks up to a turnstile and tries to swipe. She tries to walk through but the bar is locked. Nick walks up behind her and is trying to get through. She swipes it again and goes through turnstile but drops card on other side.

**NICK** : I've got it.

Nick picks it up, swipes through and hands it to her. He waits for her to say something, but instead she stands, shuffles though her bag, puts the card away and hurriedly she exits stage right.

A subway "ding" is heard.

Josie crosses from stage right to stage-- it is reminiscent of her earlier crosses at the top of the show. The crowd noise is as before. Nick enters from stage right, and Josie, re-enters from stage left. Josie looks down and Nick is looking behind himself. They run into each other. Josie falls.

**NICK** : I am so sorry, are you okay?

He leans down to make sure she is ok, touches her shoulder, and she screams

**JOSIE** : NO!

Sudden Blackout. A subway "ding" is heard.

Scene II: Home

The stage is set to represent Josie's apartment. There is a doorframe at left with a little space to the left of it to represent the hall outside. Josie enters SL, unlocks the door, goes through it, and quickly locks the multiple locks from the inside. With painful slowness she discards her bag and coat, and sits on the upstage bench. She takes off her shoes, and then she sits and stares at the wall. Slowly she becomes relaxed. There are several moments of silence. Suddenly her neighbors are heard speaking loudly off L, and she starts violently, and then reacts fearfully to the sound of a lock turning before realizing she is hearing her raucous neighbors getting home. Slowly she relaxes again, frustrated with herself. She sits silent and uncomfortable for a moment or two.

Scene III: Restaurant

In blackness restaurant noise and then a voice is heard from off. While we never see the character of John Evans we hear his voice. He is loud, obnoxious and incessant. He speaks very quickly with no attention paid to what he is saying. It is stream of consciousness. His words are more a wall of sound than anything of actual substance. The script need not be followed exactly however the speeches should feel almost too long and discuss the subjects of meat and manhood. It is also important that Josie's name is never mentioned. Onstage we see Josie in a third chair stage right facing off left. Nick sits at the back. They are both eating throughout. Over the course of the scene Josie becomes progressively more and more bored, while Nick becomes progressively more and more amused.

**JOHN EVANS** : And so I was saying to him, I was saying that that's not how you do a presentation, that's not- no normal person does a presentation like that. No normal person is gonna- is gonna listen to that, is going to pay any attention to that. I told him to get out of the office, I told him that that was not what we needed here. I told him Simon, Simon that's just not going to work, that is not going to fly in a place that is cultured and civilized, in a place that has real achievers, real people who are trying to do things with their lives. Simon you just don't understand what we're trying to do here. You're trying to- you're gonna make a fool of me, you're going to make a fool of this company, that's not gonna work, that's not gonna work today Simon. Simon get out. Simon- and he's a little- he's a little pussy, he's a little fucking pussy I told him to get out of my office, get out of there. And he did, he did, he crouched up, he curled up and he crawled out of there. Cause he's a fucking pussy, he's a little tiny man, he's a meak bit of a man, he's not really a real person, he's not a real person at all. How's your salad by the way?

**JOSIE** : Oh it's fine I wish I'd gotten-

**JOHN** : Well you know salad's not really a real kind of food it's just, it's just leaves and it's just grass, it's just plants and it's just trees. It's not something you really eat I mean can your body be made of salad? No your body's gonna turn green it's gonna be all leafy it's gonna be all floppy, it's gonna fall apart, that's not a way to eat, that's not a way to make your body, you are what you eat you know, you are what you eat, so you gotta understand that you gotta eat meat to be made of meat to be nice and muscly to be nice and powerful. If you spend all of your days eating salad, you're not gonna be made of anything strong, you're gonna be limp and floppy and you're gonna fall down, you're gonna hide in a corner, you're gonna be like Simon I was telling you about. All he does is he hides in a corner. I'm sure he eats salads all day. You know what I think Simon does actually, what he does is he just goes every weekend and he just he trims people's grass, cause that's what he eats. It's all he eats. He eats people's grass, he doesn't actually mow the lawns for his extra job, no no, no, what he does is he goes and he eats people's grass, because all Simon does all he does all day long is he eats grass he eats grass and he eats green things, and that's what turns him into such a floppy little tiny piece of a fucking pussy of a human being. It's just ridiculous. Over here on the other hand is steak. _Audibly takes bite_ Its just delicious. You look lovely tonight by the way.

**JOSIE** : Thank you I'm so glad to be out of-

**JOHN** : ( _Speaking with food in his mouth)._ That's exactly what I was telling him last week I was telling him the exact same- the exact same thing last week. I was telling him that he needs to just straighten up. Simon you just need to straighten up, you just need to eat something eat something real, eat something real. Stop eating all of this all of this green shit, I don't understand it, I don't understand what you're doing with your life Simon. You need to shape the fuck up. You need to shape the fuck up. You need to crawl out of your fucking hole. Crawl out of your fucking hole. And you need to get a real life Simon. Cause what you're doing right now. You're not living, you're not making a real living you're just sitting in your hole and you're eating your greens, I don't understand it. One of these days you're gonna grow roots and just dig into the soil. And then some day some real animal is going to walk by and their going to eat you Simon. They're gonna eat you because you are not worth shit Simon, you are not worth the money that I pay you, you're not worth the air that you breathe, Simon, it's ridiculous. What I am doing right now, I am eating your kind. This is a cow, cows eat grass, I'm eating you Simon. It's just fucking ridiculous. I need to have a long conversation with that man. And tell him, tell him that he. ( _Licks fingers slowly)_ that he just needs to ( _licks fingers)_ he just needs to get a life. He needs to get a life. This steak is fucking delicious.

**JOSIE** : I've never seen meat that red.

**JOHN** : No what you don't understand is that real men are the kind of people that eat meat this red. Real men are the kind of people that eat and dig into this meat and eat meat that is this red. Have you ever seen your blood? Your blood is bright red, its bright red. And you don't think that eating things that are green eating things that are brown, that's not gonna give you good blood. That's not gonna give you good things that are going through your veins. It's gonna make you all crusty. You eat something that's burnt; you eat something that's crispy, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! That's just gonna make your veins all black and blue and it's not gonna be good. That's not how your veins should be. Your veins should be red and strong and healthy. You should be like a real man let me tell you. When you're eating red meat, when you're eating red meat, what you're doing is you're putting that back into your body. You're putting that back. You're replenishing that blood! You eat little crispy brown things, you eat burnt up steaks that's not gonna do it, you'll eat ashes, they'll get caught in your arteries they'll get caught in your lungs. They're not gonna be good, they're not gonna be fine. That's what makes people crumple, that's what makes people crumble. That's what turns people into those crunkely crunkely crunkely old men. That's what turns them into that. That's how you crouch over. I'm never gonna turn into a crunkely old man because I eat red meat, because I am strong and I am muscly. And I am going to keep on being muscly until the age that I'm a hundred and then I'm probably gonna die from being attacked by a lion or something. But what happens is, but what you need to understand is, what actually kills people is eating crunkely crispy burned up meat. ( _Loudly takes another bite.)_

**JOSIE** : I'm pretty sure it's not safe to be eating meat that red, I saw on TV last ni-

**JOHN** : Well of course it's not safe, because you see I'm a real man and real men do things that are risky. Real men do things that are dangerous. We live for the danger we live for the experience. We live for that wild wild wild wild rush when you're jumping out of a plane when you're flying plummeting to the earth at a hundred miles an hour and you know you're going to pull that parachute, but, but, but, you're just, you're living for that rush and you're living for that wild experience. Cause maybe it's not gonna work, maybe you're gonna crash hurtling into the earth at a hundred miles an hour, and maybe maybe maybe this meat is going to kill me. But I know it's not because I'm a real man. I stared that meat in the face. I stared that meat in the eye. I look it down I look it up, I look it down I look it up, I look it down. And that meat knows, that meat knows that I'm a real man and I'm gonna, I'm gonna eat it, and it's not gonna eat me, it's not gonna beat me. If Simon ate meat like this uh uh uh, he would have to look it up and down and that meat would be like uh uh uh I'm gonna eat you, I'm gonna eat you. Because that meat knows that meat knows it's the cow and he's the grass, it's the cow and he's the grass, and the cow eats the grass, the cow eats the grass, it doesn't work the other way around, it doesn't work the other way around. He's gonna look at that meat and that meat's gonna know that it's gonna eat him tonight. It's gonna eat him tonight. Next day he's gonna die. But when I look at that meat that meat knows that uh oh, uh oh this is something else, this is something else this is something that's more dangerous than me this is something more dangerous than me. I should lie down and be calm, I should lie down and be red, and that person is gonna eat me, that person gonna eat me and that person gonna put me in, inside of himself, and he is gonna make me something stronger, make me something better than what I already am. That's what's gonna happen. So tell me a little be about yourself, where are you from?

**JOSIE** : Well I grew up in Boston, with my mother-

**JOHN** : _Throughout this speech John becomes more and more sick eventually he "leaves" or at least Josie watches him go._ You know, I went to Boston a couple weeks ago actually, yeah yeah yeah, I went to Boston a couple weeks ago. It's a funny story actually, so I was up in Boston, I was riding on whatever they have up there, it's the subway, but they call it something else. They stole it from New York it's the same exact thing, its trains that run under ground, but they don't call it the subway I don't know what they call it.

**JOSIE** : The T.

**JOHN** : It's some letter, It's some letter, it's the Q it's the R,

**JOSIE** : ( _Louder)_ It's the T.

**JOHN:** It's the L it's the K, the, the, the

**JOSIE** : ( _Louder)_ THE T.

**JOHN:** Oh I remember now it's the T. It's the T, ( _begins to get sick)_ I was riding on the T and I was talking to ( _becomes more sick but pushes forward)_ I was talking to this guy, ( _becomes much more sick)_ I was talking t- I was riding on- I was- I'll just use- bathroom- ( _sounds of him being very sick from off, Joise watches him go and slouches in her seat. After a moment Nick walks over to her.)_

**NICK** : You know, real men always end their dates on the floor of the bathroom. See you around, Josie ( _Josie looks around in disbelief curious how he knew her name)_

Blackout.

Scene IV: Soup

Josie's apartment. Josie is sitting eating tomato soup and staring at a wall. Slowly she tries to carry the soup farther and farther from the bowl as she leans back. Finally she spills soup on herself.

JOSIE: No!

Josie stands up starts trying to clean off her skirt. She is mumbling to herself throughout. Notices more stains, begins to clean them off. She becomes more and more frustrated with all of the stains until she finally starts speaking. She addresses the picture as if it were her mother.

JOSIE: Subways....Dirty city.....(pretending to be her mother) Just take the cab Josie...(in her voice) stupid taxis...(mother's voice)...All those nice clean yellow cabs on every corner. No strangers to bother you, no stains on your skirt. (Pause) You know what mother? I used to love the subway...well maybe I loved the idea of the subway. So...I imagined... these, I don't know... "Black darkened trains from under the ground take you through places-- you'll never be found." (Pause) How did I never realize how creepy that was...there were a lot of things I didn't realize on that first trip to New York...(as mother) no dear if Will says we're taking a taxi that's what we're doing and that's the end of it. (as self) yes mom because of WILL we only took the subway once the whole time we were in New York...And you wore gloves. (pause) And we only went to one museum mom, that you stormed out of after twenty minutes because ... because ...why did we leave that museum? It wasn't because of me...was it?...No... I remember now. Dearest William was getting too cozy with one of the art students...shivers... I told you he was a bad idea. Really you should be thanking me. Me and my tomato soup. (pause, looks at soup) Me and this soup go way back. It was the only thing I would eat on that menu. William wanted me to to get the venison cutlets, but...(beat) you know I still have a burn from that night. But did you ever really worry about that? Were you worried about your only daughter? Did you care about what I wanted? Of course not. You never did. Your date was always more important than me.

Josie looks at the picture, looks at the soup, and then looks at the stain. She solemnly goes back to eating.

Scene V: Subway

Nick is sitting on a moving subway alone. The subway stops. Josie enters stage right , notices him, and stands in the far upstage right corner holding a pole. The train starts again, he does not notice her, she watches him. When the train stops again she moves so that she is standing just stage right of him. He still does not notice her. The train moves again. She keeps looking at him. Finally the train stops and she sits right next to him. He still does not notice her. She tries to talk a couple of times. Finally she manages

JOSIE: How- How do you know my name?

NICK: (turning) What?

Josie has a panic attack. This is a very specific panic attack, she will have it twice more over the course of the show each time it should look similar. She rushes off. Nick remains on the train. Blackout.

Scene VI: Music

The scene is Josie's apartment. Josie sits alone at home listening to music on her I-pod. A very peppy song plays, she listens for a second and changes the song. Another upbeat song comes on, she skips this one too. "Father and Son" by Cat Stevens starts to play. She sits and listens for a while. She taps her foot. At some point she gets up and dances, very poorly. The dance is full of frustration and has no coordination. It starts simple and builds up. She sings along at various points. As the song nears the end she gives up and dances wildly and with frustration. She jumps onto the chairs and quickly falls as the song comes to an end. Blackout

Scene VII: Street

Laughter form off. We hear Nick talking as they enter. Onstage they each walk in a "bowtie" formation. Nick crosses on the back wall from the upstage right corner to the upstage left corner. He then takes the diagonal from upstage left to downstage right. Next he crosses right in front of the audience from down right to down left. Finally he takes the other diagonal from down left to up right. He repeats this pattern several times over the course of the scene. Josie walks on a perpendicular bowtie. She also starts from up right but instead moves first diagonally to the down left corner. She then walks straight back to the up left corner. Then she moves diagonally from up left to down right. Finally she returns to her original upstage right corner. She also repeats this several times over the course of the scene. It is important that they are both coming downstage on their diagonals when they run into each other so that they meet at center stage. The street that they are talking about is the aisle into the audience. They should also end up center stage by the end of the scene.

**NICK** : And then, with I am telling you the same face as her dog, she tells me that she wanted _three_ creams and _two_ sugars and that this coffee is "unbearable."

**JOSIE** _(attempting sarcasm):_ Who could possibly say that about "Downtown Roast" coffee?

**NICK** : Yeah, right? Anyway, at this point her dog starts chasing itself in the glass, running up and down the display. Up and down, up and down. And then this lady starts chasing the dog up and down up and down the display case, the dog's barking the lady's screaming, and everyone in the place is just staring at this wild sideshow, until finally, just as the lady reaches down and catches the dog her coffee, cream sugar and all falls on her head.

**JOSIE** : No! What'd you do? Did you give her a new coffee?

**NICK** : No, she was so stunned she just walked out without as word dog in hand.

**JOSIE** : I swear the strangest things happen to you.

**NICK** : I'm sure strange things happen to you, you just have to pay attention.

**JOSIE** : What- I pay attention!

**NICK** : Ha.

**JOSIE** : I do

**NICK** : I have seen you walk down the street past a drug deal, a car accident, a jailbreak and an alien invasion without batting an eye. And that was just in the last block!

**JOSIE** : Well, it's dark out.

**NICK** : There are plenty of street lights little lady. You have no excuse.

**JOSIE** : Psh Right.

**NICK** : Speaking of wild people how was Mr. Real Man at work today?

**JOSIE** : Well, he hasn't talked to me since the restaurant, which is good, but he almost lost it when Laura pulled out her hamburger at the meeting today.

**NICK** : But today was the day you jumped on the table and denounced him as a cow loving piece of lettuce, right Josie?

**JOSIE** : Haha, of cour- haha no.

**NICK** _(with false sincerity):_ You need to stand up to those wild gentlemen one of these of these days little lady or you'll never get anywhere in this world

**JOSIE** : That's what I have you for, right?

**NICK** : Haha sure, _(they run into each other stage center)_ this way's faster, right?

**JOSIE** : Yeah but, can't we just go this way?

**NICK** : What's wrong? Someone you don't want to see live down there?

**JOSIE** : No...

**NICK** : Who is it? An ex-boyfriend? A nasty uncle? A vengeful guard dog?

**JOSIE** : No.

**NICK** : Oh I know, it's Mr. Real Man himself!

**JOSIE** : No!

**NICK** : So what are you afraid of Josie, the pavement? The trash cans? Oh the fire-escapes? _(keeps going until she stops him)_

**JOSIE** : STOP IT! _(pause)_ I'm sorry, can we just go this way? Please?

**NICK** : Sure. _(They both walk in silence)._

**JOSIE** : I just- _(pause)_ there are no lights on that street. _(silence)_

**NICK** _(false sincerity):_ You need to start walking down these wild streets one of these days little lady or you'll never get anywhere in this world. _(silence)_

**JOSIE** : Once I was-.

**NICK** : What?

**JOSIE** : No it's nothing, I-

**NICK** : No, you can tell me.

**JOSIE** : ( _sighs)_ It's silly. One night, when I was little, I woke up and I heard something outside my window. I just lay there for a moment hoping it would just go away, but it didn't. It got louder, and louder. I ran to turn on the lights, but when I looked out I just saw a blur and it was gone. I couldn't sleep the rest of the night; I couldn't even turn off the light. I had that feeling that if it was dark again whatever it was would come back. And I still can't fall asleep without a light on.

( _pause_ )

**NICK** : I once lived in a house that had three nightlights in every room. I remember one of them projected a sky full of stars onto the ceiling. I always wanted to sleep in that room.

**JOSIE** : Why didn't you?

**NICK** : Don't worry about it. We have this big sky full of stars above us to guide our way.

**JOSIE** : But you can never see any stars in the city.

**NICK** : Haha, we'll have to go by the streetlights then. _(they meet center stage, break their bowties and walk off together right laughing)_

Scene VIII: Dance

Josie's apartment. This scene should be reminiscent of both Scene II and Scene VI. We hear Cat Steven's "Moonshadow" playing as lights come up. Josie enters as she did in Scene II, but now with a new spring in her step. She dances as she walks. This dancing, though not good, is much less inhibited than how she danced in Scene IV. She seems freer. She goes through all of the steps from Scene II (unlocking/relocking the door, taking off her bag, etc.) but this time with more joy and speed. At a quite point in the song, we hear her neighbors as before, but now she just laughs at them after a moment of fear. As the song comes to its end she is up and dancing freely, perhaps waltzing with her coat. Lights down at the end of the song.

Scene IX: Park

Nick and Josie are sitting on a park bench scanning the audience. They take a few beats just watching the audience.

**NICK** : Old lady, she broke her hip last year _(another pause, not as long as before)_ That kid did not pay for that ice cream cone _(Josie laughs, pause)_ Guy with the packages, he's going to trip over that curb in wait for it wait for- Oh! _(both laugh)_ You give it a try.

**JOSIE** : No.

**NICK** : That guy over there.

**JOSIE** : _(laughs)_ No.

**NICK** : Come on, it's no fun if I'm doing this alone. The guy on the cell phone.

**JOSIE** : No, I don't know...

**NICK** : It's not hard. What do you see?

**JOSIE** : _sigh_ the blonde one or the guy with the dog?

**NICK** : The blonde guy with the flowers.

**JOSIE** : Okay, he's a business man talking to his mother ( _Nick stares at her)_ not a business man? ...He's wearing a suit.

**NICK** : Look closely. His hair is messy, he's missing his third button, and his left hand is covered in paint.

**JOSIE** : So he's a business man with a painting project? ( _Nick stares)_ No?

**NICK** : He is a painter who was going on a date, but his girlfriend just called to dump him.

**JOSIE** : Not his mother?

**NICK** : ( _sighs)_ Okay, First of all, no one wears a suit at 5pm in Central Park unless they are going out to dinner. Second, no one looks that desperate talking to their mother. And finally right now he is smashing the remains of a bouquet of flowers under his foot, which tells us that his date is not going so hot.

**JOSIE** : How do you notice all of these things?

**NICK** : It's not hard; you just have to look at people.

**JOSIE** : I look at people, I just don't see them the way you do.

**NICK** : I don't think you even look! Most of the time the you only see are the shoes on your feet.

**JOSIE** : But how can you see them? You pass so many people during the day, how you can _see_ any of them?

**NICK** : Your problem is that you are picturing them as strangers, as people that you will never see again and never get the chance to know.

**JOSIE** : Well they are.

**NICK** : But they don't have to be.

**JOSIE** : What do you mean?

**NICK** : Every day we choose to ignore the people around us. We walk past each other in subway stations, in coffee shops, on the street without saying a word. We choose to make them strangers, when a simple hello could make them a person. It's always a choice. _(pause)_ The old man next to the tree. He comes here every day to sit and feed the birds.

**JOSIE** : But how do you know they're safe?

**NICK** : What do you mean?

**JOSIE** : Well, they're strangers, how do you know they're not going to hurt you?

**NICK** : How do you know I'm not going to hurt you?

**JOSIE** : Because you're nice, you're different, you care. You can't know who a stranger is, what they want, what they could do to you. You don't know anything about them.

**NICK** : But that's the adventure of it! People are interesting! The only way to ever discover who they are or what they want is to get to know them! We would still be strangers if I hadn't reached out to you.

**JOSIE** : Well, so, you're braver than most people.

**NICK** : Yep, cause I'm a real man. _(Both laugh, pause)_.

**JOSIE** : Guy with the guitar, he...wants to be a famous musician one day.

**NICK** : Yeah, probably, better. ( _pause_ ).

**JOSIE** : I've just never been good at talking to people.

**NICK** : Hope you make a lot of nice friends out there, but just remember there's a lot of bad and beware.

**JOSIE** : What?

**NICK** : Nothing, it's a wild world out there, but you have to try. We are blind to each other these days. We walk past hundreds of strangers every day. Too many to know so we don't even try.

**JOSIE** : Except for you.

(pause).

**JOSIE** : The couple over there.

**NICK** : Hm?

**JOSIE** : He beats her. He came home drunk last night and nearly broke her arm. See how she's holding it? And how she flinches every time he raises his hand.

**NICK** : _(in disbelief)_ How do you know he was drunk?

**JOSIE** : He's an alcoholic. The yellow in his eyes, and how he can't walk straight and it's 5pm.

**NICK** : ( _pause_ ) I take it back, maybe you do see more than your shoes.

**JOSIE** : Sometimes. Right now I see you.

**NICK** : And what do you see?

**JOSIE** : I see Three days of not shaving, yesterday's shirt, and messy hair.

**NICK** : And what does that tell you.

**JOSIE** : That you had a wild night last night.

**NICK** : Haha. Nice try, my alarm clock didn't go off.

**JOSIE:** ( _skeptically_ ) Uh huh.

**NICK** : No really...( _they continue to speak and laugh as lights go down_ )

Scenes X: Cabernet

Josie's apartment. Josie is sitting, drinking a glass of red wine. She plays with it in the same way that she tried to move farther and farther away from her soup in Scene IV. The following monologue should be reminiscent of the one in Scene IV.

**JOSIE** : _(almost spilling wine on herself, to the glass)_ No...no...no more stains. I don't do stains anymore. I'm a stain...removed...remover...not a stain...No, I'm not a stain anymore, I'm leaving a different kind of mark. And you are not leaving a mark on me, not anymore. ( _pause stares at wine looks at picture_ ) Don't look at me like that mom. I'm not you. I can control myself, see _(sets down wine)_. And it. I don't need it. No stains. It's not that hard. You could have done it, but you never tried. But you never really tried to do anything. Always taking the easy way...grandpa's checkbook... ( _as mother)_ Raising you was the hardest thing I ever did. _(as self)_ Yeah well you could have done better, you could have done better. Did you have to be three glasses in every night when I came home from school ( _looks at wine_ )? And fall for every one of those disgusting men who were terrible to you? _(as mother)_ Darling he's wonderful. I'm sure he's the one. I promise you'll like him. His name is Jack and he's an insurance broker, isn't that just fascinating? ( _as self)_ No, no it's not! Jesus. _(drinks, pause meanwhile outside the apartment Nick has entered from Stage left carrying a bottle of wine)._ Did you know I met-...I hope I'm not-....It's going to be different...It's going to be- ( _interrupted by Nick knocking at the door she jumps almost spills wine, stares at wine, sets it down carefully, stands, takes a moment, walks cautiously to the door, peers out of peephole, straightens herself up, looks around and opens door)._

**NICK** : Hey!

**JOSIE** : Hi wha-

**NICK** : Okay, so I noticed this old couple after work, they were bickering back and forth, back and forth and I was trying to figure out, is this something they always do, or are they actually mad about something?

**JOSIE** : Oka-

**NICK** : Anyway, I followed them all the way into the grocery store and I was loitering in the wine section watching them when the wife turned to me and asked if I was going to stand there watching her and her husband all night or if I needed help picking out a bottle. So I grabbed the first bottle on hand and bought it, and when I got outside I realized it was a Cabernet Sauvignon which I remember you had said your mother drank.

**JOSIE** : Uh huh.

**NICK** : Anyway I was still thinking about that couple when I was on the train, wondering how someone can be with another person for that long, when I accidentally got off at your stop. I realized where I was just as the subway doors closed. I looked at the bottle; I looked around and decided that something out there wanted you to have this bottle of wine tonight. _(offers it to her)_

**JOSIE** : Oh, wow, thanks.

Long pause.

**NICK** : Okay I'll see you around. _Walks off_

**JOSIE** : Okay, bye, thanks... ( _closes door thinks, then opens it and calls down)_ Actually, do you want to stay and have a drink...of it...with me...?

**NICK** : ( _from off)_ Sure. ( _Nick starts walking back up)_

**JOSIE** : _(Hyperventilating)_ Oh god....oh god

**NICK** : ( _reenters, Josie regains some composure)_ Wow your apartment's really...clean.

**JOSIE** : Oh no,...it's....uh....well...( _pause)_ I'll get another glass _(She exits)._

**NICK** : Thanks ( _notices the glass_ ) I see you started without me.

**JOSIE** : Oh well...just a ...with dinner...um... _(struggles with wine glass and bottle)_

**NICK** : Do you want me to help you with that?

**JOSIE** : Yes.

**NICK** : _(takes bottle, opens it)_ You gonna finish that first? _(Josie drinks quickly. Nick pours them both glasses of wine.)_ Cheers. _(they both drink, Josie more)._ This place looks so new how long have you lived here?

**JOSIE** : Almost two years.

**NICK** : And I can see your personal touches everywhere.

**JOSIE** : ( _laughs)_ Yeah, I like it like this it's simpler.

**NICK** : _(looking around)_ I like it. _(grabs picture)_ who's this?

**JOSIE** : My mother.

**NICK** : Lovely to meet you Ms. Renaut. I can see where Josie got her good looks. ( _Josie laughs)._ No, no, you're too kind Ms. Renaut. Is your husband home? ( _as mother)_ oh no I'm all by myself in this big house.

**JOSIE** : ( _laughing more awkwardly)_ Oh god..

**NICK** : Well I'm sure you would love a drink too wouldn't you Ms. Renaut. This is your favorite I hear. _(as mother, Josie becomes uncomfortable)_ Oh yes I love a good drink. You're such a charmer. He's a real keeper Josie. _(As himself)_ now Ms. Renaut, I wouldn't want Josie to get jealous. We should have this conversation later. _(laughs to himself looks at Josie, no response, puts picture down and sits on couch both drink, Nick more, silence.)_

**JOSIE** : My mother....drank a lot.

**NICK** : I'm so sorry.

**JOSIE** : No more for you tonight Ms. Renaut _(walks over and flips picture face down,pause)_

**NICK** : That must have been tough to grow up with.

**JOSIE** : We never really got along.

**NICK** : What do you mean?

**JOSIE** : The same things weren't important to us; she liked just having fun and having a lot of men around.

**NICK** : And what was important to you?

**JOSIE** : Not just taking the easy way.

**NICK** : What do you mean, the easy way?

**JOSIE** : So, well, my mother never had to work a day in her life. She jumped from man to man buying her booze, and dresses, and vacations with their checkbooks. She uses everyone around her. She has no concept of what it means to be self-sufficient. I hate it.

**NICK** : Interesting.

**JOSIE** : What?

**NICK** : You're nothing like her.

**JOSIE** : Thanks.

**NICK** : Except for those good looks.

**JOSIE** : _(groans)_ Haha.

**NICK** : Want some more wine?

**JOSIE** : Sure. _(he pours)_

**NICK** : Cheers. ( _Both drink)_

**JOSIE** : What about your parents?

**NICK** : _(ignoring her comment)_ It must have been crazy having so many different men around the house.

**JOSIE** : Hm?

**NICK** : I mean all of those men your mother brought home. Doesn't sound very comfortable.

**JOSIE** : No, it wasn't.

**NICK** : They didn't all buy you fancy dresses to get on your good side?

**JOSIE** : No, a few free vacations.

**NICK** : Did you like any of them?

**JOSIE** : A couple weren't so bad, but...

**NICK** : But what?

**JOSIE** : Nothing. You never answered my question about your parents.

**NICK** : _(pause)_ I never knew my parents.

**JOSIE** : Oh.

**NICK** : So, what happened?

**JOSIE** : With what?

**NICK** : You know what I mean Josie.

**JOSIE** : _(long moment of silence. She looks up at Nick)_ Jack. His name was Jack. I liked him. He paid attention to me. He called me his little doll. I felt...grown up around him. One night my mom was out and he came by. He helped me with my homework while we waited. It was nice. He showed me a dress he was going to give my mom. He asked if I wanted to try it on. I changed up in my mom's room so I could use the full length mirror. Even though I was only fourteen it fit me perfectly. Then I saw him standing in the doorway, watching me. He told me I was beautiful and asked me to dance. He took my hand and we danced slowly across the room. I had never felt more grown up. But then he pulled me too close, I tried to pull but he held me and tried to kiss me. It was like I was watching myself from outside my body. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't say anything. He threw me to my knees and unzipped his pants. I never wanted to feel like an adult again. I brushed my teeth that night for hours but I could never feel clean again. _(as the monologue nears its end Josie begins to have a panic attack as before)_

**NICK** : Josie, look at me. LOOK AT ME. _(she looks)._ You're safe now. It's over. He's gone. ( _Josie collapses into his shoulder, he puts his arm around her)._ You're safe now. You'll still be here tomorrow.

Scene XI: Dream

Pitch blackness. Josie is talking in her sleep.

**JOSIE** : _(snores)_ Red meat....dirty soup....haha...the dog has coffee on its head...the best coffee...no.......I'm being followed by a Moonstain, MOONSTAIN MOONst-no damn subways. There is a Brooklyn.....train one streetlight away...Hello subway train, my name is Josie and I am an alcoholic...no...I want to meet....um....Guard dogs...Trashcans...get away... My little doll. Come here and play little doll. Come and meet a real man. Stay on the subway...stay on the subway...stay on the subway!... No....It's over....I'm safe now...I'm a stain remover... I'll still be here tomorrow _(returns to snoring)._

Scene XII: Meeting

A coffee shop. Nick sits in a third chair facing directly upstage. Josie stands waiting in line facing stage left. It is reminiscent of the first scene in that there is no dialogue for a prolonged period of time. It takes Josie a while to get through the line. She has regained her physicality of the first half always looking down, very rigid. Eventually she makes it to front of the line.

**JOSIE** : Can I have a medium latte? Thank you. _(Josie stands and waits for a while. She does not look at anyone. She hears her latte is up, walks to pick it up, turns to go and bumps into Joey. Like John Evans, there is no actual person onstage representing Joey, he is voiced from off.)_

**JOEY** : Hey what the fuck!? You spilled coffee all over me you bitch. You watch where the fuck you're going okay? Bitch. _(Josie has a panic attack as before. Nick notices walks over to her and crouches next to her)_

**NICK** : Josie. Look at me. LOOK AT ME. _(she looks)._ It's okay. Breathe. It's over. He's gone. _(she relaxes)_ Come on sit down. _(Nick offers Josie the chair he was sitting in. He takes the chair that he placed at the top of the show from the back. They sit, pause while Josie calms down. Looking out the window, towards audience)_ The leaves are lovely this time of year, aren't they? _(Josie nods)_ I love kicking the piles of leaves and watching them fall back down, but don't tell the street sweepers that.

**JOSIE** : I like to stomp on the crunchy ones. _(both giggle)_

**NICK** : Are you feeling better now Josie?

**JOSIE** : _(nods)_ How...How do you know my name?

**NICK** : I've seen you around. We take the same subway.

**JOSIE** : Oh. Right.

**NICK** : So what does the 4 take you to every morning?

**JOSIE** : What?

**NICK** _(laughs)_ where do you work?

**JOSIE** : Oh, at Chase Bank on Williams street.

**NICK** : No way, the coffee shop I work at is on Broadway.

**JOSIE** : Oh. _(pause, thinks)_ If you work at that coffee shop, what are you doing here?

**NICK** : Well don't tell my boss but Downtown Roast coffee is not the best.

**JOSIE** : _(giggles)_ Oh. So you sneak over to Starbucks?

**NICK** : Yeah. Something like that. _(laughs)_

**JOSIE** : My bank account is with Bank of America _(she laughs)._

**NICK** : You traitor. Shame on you.

**JOSIE** : But you- ( _giggles)_ oh

**NICK** ; You've got to stop taking things so seriously little lady.

**JOSIE** : Ok. I'll try.

**NICK** : So are you on lunch break?

**JOSIE** : _(suddenly in a hurry. Standing)_ Oh, no I actually really need to get back to work. _(turns to him)_ Thank you.

**NICK** : Sure. I'll see you on the Subway?

**JOSIE** : Okay. _(looking down)_

**NICK** : And Josie. _(she looks up)_ You'll miss me if you're always staring at your feet.

**JOSIE** : Okay. _(she exits)_

Scene XIII: Other

Nick enters from stage right whistling "Wild World" by Cat Stevens as in the Prologue. The chair that was moved in the last scene is gone from the stage, there is only one now. He is wearing a backpack and he is on his way out. When he gets to center stage he turns, faces the audience, and speaks.

**NICK** : Do you ever get that feeling in your legs? That feeling that you just need to move. You need to get out. A restlessness that travels up into your stomach, your arms, your heart, telling you it's time to move on. I can never quite shake that feeling. It hides in the corners of my mind. My constant companion. I am driven to move while others can't. They get tied down by their jobs, their houses, their families. They are puppets, bobbing about in their own little worlds. They think they're free but every move they make is dictated by those strings that hold them up and hold them back. I am not so bound. I move freely amongst them, a spectator to their hapless jerking stepping into the lives that pique my interest. The lives whose depths cannot be plumbed with a single glance. These are the people I strive to reach. The ones who struggle against their tethers, but can't quite break free. _(looks back at single chair)_ When I saw her I knew she was fighting. I knew her struggle had a source and it drew me in. There was something eating away at her that others couldn't see. And now I've found it. I've found it, Josie and it's time to move on.

Scene XIV: Final

(Josie is walking onstage in the bowtie as we saw in Scene VII. She seems to be waiting for someone. She looks around several times, sees no one is about to walk off one way, changes direction.)

**JOSIE** : You need to start walking down these wild streets one of these days little lady or you'll never get anywhere in this world. _(exits down center into audience. Lights fade down. Wild World starts playing. We hear Josie scream from off. She yells repeatedly. Finally she starts sobbing and the music builds up to cover it.)_

*****

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### About the Authors

Terry Fletcher

Terry Fletcher is a product-less creator, an open minded fool, a new teacher, an old student, a devil's advocate, a jack of all trades and a master of none. He graduated in 2012 from Lewis and Clark College with a bachelor's degree in Theatre and Philosophy. He loves the theatre for its community. He believes that art should be created everywhere for as cheap as possible. He yearns for a world where every street corner has a musician, every park has a play going on and every open wall is covered in a painting. He considers freedom of speech and expression a paramount value central to any society that wishes to ameliorate its woes. He lives for intelligent discussions on facebook walls and bathroom stalls. He laughs every day and thinks that you should too. He grew up in a small town and lives in a big city. He relishes new experiences and cherishes situations that force him out of his comfort zone. He collects hats. He plays the piano. He is learning to juggle. He is employed to teach math to the middle school students of West Harlem. He tries to teach them life lessons. He is usually happy if they do not kill each other. He hopes to experience as much of life as he can and find happiness in the greatest tragedies. He wishes to be remembered. He values commitment to strong specific choices in acting, life and sentence structure. He greatly enjoyed working on all three of these projects and hopes that they can bring you some of that same joy.

Maddy Noonan

Maddy Noonan transferred to Lewis & Clark after a year at Emerson where she had always wanted more homework. Originally from Seattle, her goal has always been to make theatre that makes people laugh, think, and feel. lol :/ was Maddy's first production at Lewis & Clark and proved indispensable in her acclimation process.

In the time she is not cooped up in some theater somewhere, she enjoys cooking, yoga, and video games. Her favorite bands are The Presidents of the United States of America, Pink Floyd, and most currently Bajafondo Presente. She also enjoys long walks but not on the beach, because trying to walk on sand is more frustrating and grainy than it is peaceful.

Maddy doesn't quite know where she'll find herself when she graduates from Lewis and Clark, but she knows she'll figure something out eventually. Special thanks go to the family, however screwed up they may be, the boyfriend, J. R. R. Tolkien and the late Pockets the ferret (may she rest in peace).

Gretchen Vietmeier

Gretchen Vietmeier is a student of psychology with a passion for visual and performing arts. From her first debut performance as Tweedle Dee at Highland Terrace Elementary School in Seattle, to her most recent guest appearance as Peaseblossom at Portland's Post5 Theater, Gretchen has found creative and meaningful ways to enrich her academic and personal life with performance. Gretchen has played a number of roles onstage and offstage, and engages in performance as a spectator, actor, dancer, deviser, writer, designer, and makeup artist. With a continued interest in and passion for theater and art, she plans to further her academic and professional endeavors in the field of psychology, psychotherapy, and human sexuality.

Becca Lill

Becca Lill is a Lewis & Clark sophomore pursuing a double major in English and Psychology. Becca has been involved with theater productions all her life, but this is her first devised piece. It was a pleasure to work with such talented and creative individuals, including Cleverbot. The production process was a lot of fun, and it was very rewarding to transform loose scene sketches into a successful performance. Other productions at LC include The Killing Game, Once Upon a Weekend, and the Senior Thesis Festival. Her favorite role over the years is a tie between Hermia in Dead Man's Cell Phone and Mrs. Mayor in Suessical the Musical. Becca is originally from Colorado and hopes to return to the sun after college. She collects sea glass and Dave Matthews Band memorabilia. She spends a lot of time reading, writing creatively and for the Pioneer Log, and getting lost in nature (literally and figuratively). Becca would like to thank the entire cast and crew for making lol :/ an amazing experience.

Brandon Cieslak

Brandon "Is A Puppet" Cieslak is a student at Lewis & Clark College who is fun, enthusiastic, and spontaneous. He enjoys cats, hiking, and long walks on the beach at midnight. His idea of a perfect first date is meeting up in a nondescript internet cafe, exchanging codenames, and, over the course of the next two hours, revealing a multi-national conspiracy as they inevitably get over their initial dislike of each other and fall deeply in love, spy-romcom style. Or a picnic. Picnics are nice.

Brandon had little theater experience prior to the production of lol :/, it being the first play he had ever acted in, or helped write. Since then he has taken any opportunity to act he can get his mitts on.

Trivia: Brandon offered a number of alternative titles for the play, all of which were inevitably rejected. These include "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA hm," "Lawl Slanty Face," and "Oh God, So Much Spam." In his spare time, Brandon draws and majors in Computer Science.

David Mayberry

David Mayberry is a student and aspiring human being with dreams of being an ornithologist, an actor, a Lego set designer, or some other such awesome career. He got dragged into this whole acting thing because peer pressure works every now and then, but he hasn't actually regretted it ever since. At this point he'd probably give a word of advice to any aspiring comedic actors and playwrights to be funny. With that in mind, he hopes that you have enjoyed this short presentation of himself. Also, he hopes you enjoy the plays in the book you are reading. Because he worked hard on a few of them.

Irene Handley

Irene Handley is an all-around theatre enthusiast, with a particular love of directing. She graduated with a theatre major from Lewis and Clark College in 2013, where she directed How I Learned to Drive by Paula Vogel and The Farmer and The Flagon by Warren Kluber, another Lewis and Clark Alumni. She also loves to act. Favorite roles include Cecily in The Importance of Being Earnest and Miranda in The Tempest.

lol : / is Irene's first experience with devised theatre. As a member of the Facebook generation, she feels deeply connected to this piece. Her favorite part about Facebook is it's ability to connect people over long distances, but watch out! If you leave your Facebook open when she's around, you might come back to discover your profile picture is a picture of a cat. Her work on lol : / has made her excited to work more with devising in the future.

Irene splits her time between Seattle, where she grew up, and Portland and loves the Pacific Northwest. She hopes to continue working in theatre as she moves beyond school and in to the professional world.

Laura Blum

Laura is a cat enthusiast and closeted theatre geek. She has performed in numerous stage productions, including Little Shop of Horrors, where she was the voice of Audrey II, and Christopher Durang's Baby with the Bathwater, where she starred as the Nanny. Her numerous other interests include writing, art, British sketch comedy, feminism, video games, foreign languages, chocolate soymilk, and poetry. She is currently pursuing a B.A. in Sociology & Anthropology at Lewis & Clark College, with a minor in Gender Studies. She has no idea what she wants to do after college, so please don't ask.

Kenzie Batali

From the quiet retirement-home community of Edmonds, Washington, Kenzie Batali is a member of the Lewis and Clark class of 2015 and is the token science major of the Lewis & Clark Theatre department. Her interests, according to her friends, include theatre, Improv, confusing people with "big science words", and complaining about organic chemistry. She has had the opportunity to direct and produce a piece of her own writing, but Truth in Advertising was her first experience with devised theatre. This was immediately followed by Failure to Communicate, a devised piece based on the movie Cool Hand Luke. She also has many years of experience with more conventional theatre as well as improvisational performance. Halfway through her college career, she is hoping to have the opportunity outside her major to gain more experience with devised theatre and playwriting.

Charlotte Markle

Charlotte Markle grew up in and around the theater. She has lived most of her life in San Francisco, California. Currently, she is studying Art History and Theatre at Lewis & Clark College in Portland, Oregon, even though her family and friends continue to warn her that she will never make any money. However, she is a strong believer in the importance of art in the development of an individual and in the future hopes to help other people, especially young people, participate in art of all kinds. She enjoys working on collaborative projects such as this, which are never finished, even after they are written down.

Webster Rasmussen

Webster attended Bard College at Simon's Rock and graduated from Lewis and Clark College with his BA in Political Science. He is currently a member of SCRIPTed Improv, and a profoundly deep academic. He enjoys long walks on the beach, camping, and sex. Also books. Also Nietzsche. Webster writes essays on theory, short stories, plays, and sad poems to women that never existed in the manner that he remembers them. Sometimes he even uses a typewriter for this. His latest project is a search for gainful and gratifying employment; otherwise he will be forced to join with the standardly employed members of society. This will likely make him sad. He does not like being sad. Few sad people do. Except for the exceptions. Do not judge Webster based on this biography, it was not written by an unbiased party. Webster, though not the original creator of, is one of the prime popularizers of the phrase "whatever floats your goat." If you see him, offer him a job, or at the very least, buy him a drink.

Henry Kreiman

Henry Kreiman is a Mathematics and Chemistry double Major who enjoys Improv, Theater, and a number of other activities and hobbies. He was involved in Truth in Advertising while doing Computational Chemistry research on campus and holds the title of being the only barefoot researcher on campus that summer (and maybe ever). Truth in Advertising was a blast because it was a chance to bring elements of improvisational theater into a scripted show. Because the actors were writing the script a lot of the scenes were improvised then refined, which was very different from any other theater experience he has had. He really enjoys Improv because it allows him to act like a child in an arena where people will accept it. I find that almost every situation in life can use more childish glee. Having said that, trying to vanquish bad guys with your flaming sword of power while waiting at a bus stop just makes people think you're insane. However, if you take the same situation and do it on stage with friends, suddenly it's the most epic and entertaining thing in the world. That amazes him. That is the reason he started first Theater, then Improv, and why he would like to keep performing for as long as his life allows.

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