- Drift is joining Battle Royale.
That's right, the world famous
Pop Star, Graffiti Artist
is joining the death match
to promote his new album.
He recently bought out the
Lazy Links Country Club,
and it is being reported
that his music label has
paid for an incredible squad.
Some of the best warriors
and intelligent minds money can buy.
(laughter and crashing)
- Perhaps, we should knock?
- Perhaps.
- Wait, what?
Where are we going?
- Battle Bus, get in the cart.
- We're dropping now?
- I'm Huntress, this is Ragnarok.
- I'm a god.
- And that's Noir.
- Drift, what do you know
about inter-dimensional travel?
- What?
- Have you seen this?
(suspenseful music)
- Oh my god, oh my god guys.
- Where are we dropping, boys?
- Oh my god, please just don't let me die.
Oh man, I'm gonna ruin my shoes, too.
Oh, wow.
This is actually kind of nice.
- We gotta swing Drift
down to Paradise Palms
for an event real quick.
- What event are we going to?
- Spring Break, baby.
(upbeat music)
- All right guys, spread
out and find some guns.
- Wait, I thought I was supposed
to have a Spring Break concert.
- Dude, what is up with the douche-y hair?
Are you like a Vine star?
Or a vlogger, or a Paul brother?
- What?
- You're not really having a concert here.
We just dropped here because
it's low-key and open.
We'll be able to see our enemies.
- Freeze (bleep).
- Oh god, they have weapons.
- That one on the far right
appears to be holding a banana.
- Wait, what?
Oh, that's Todd, he's a default skin.
- I builded the wall.
- Hey, uh guys,
how about like we settle this
maybe in a nonviolent fashion?
Like a dance off?
(dance music)
- Wow Drift, served by a default skin.
Tisk, tisk.
- Wait, wait.
How about a race on the golf cart track?
- (sighs) Okay, fine.
(rock music)
- Three, two, one.
(gunshots)
- Jesus.
- I know, right, that was easy, hop on.
- I'm keeping this, this is evidence.
(soft piano music)
That we are total badasses.
- So guys, where are we going?
- What is that blue shimmer ahead?
- Run it over.
Run it over.
- Oh my god, guys,
it's a dimensional rift.
(screaming)
(heavy guitar music)
- [Drift] Oh my god, oh
my god, we're gonna die.
- [Huntress] Ragnarok,
didn't you pick up some wood
from that default skin?
- [Ragnarok] I used it all.
- [Huntress] What, on what?
Well, that's it, we're gonna die I guess.
- Well, that actually wasn't so bad.
Okay, that's it.
I've officially come to the conclusion
that you guys are crazy.
Some mentally deranged detective,
some bald mythological warrior.
- I'm the god of war.
- Kratos is the god of war, idiot.
- And you, well I kinda like you.
- Hey you guys,
I think I've found something.
- What the heck is that?
- [Drift] Wait, I've seen these things
on the History Channel.
- Really, you, watch the History Channel?
- Who the hell cares,
there's a (bleep) ton of chests on it.
(guns shooting)
- Oh, (bleep).
- Over there.
It's LeBron James.
We're getting ambushed.
- I see a red line due west.
Take that!
(disappointing music)
- Um, what the hell was that?
- Stink bomb, get ready to
smell like crap all day.
- You realize you're gonna
smell like crap too right?
- Well, I.
- And aren't those like $2,000 shoes?
(heavy guitar music)
- Ah, my shins, (beep).
- Mister James, have you seen this burger?
- Looks like I'll be
taking my talents to heaven.
- Wow, so much for the
best team money can buy.
Now, there should be
one more squad member.
Excuse me, mister park ranger, sir.
Have you seen any enemies running around?
- Hold on one second.
- God of war, huh?
Defeated by a shopping cart, tisk, tisk.
- All right guys, enough bickering.
Let's go investigate
(gasps) A viking ship.
Finally, I can learn
more about my culture.
- Hey check out that stupid llama face
on your culture (laughs).
- Right, so we're just
gonna ignore the fact
that we found an ancient Moine
that appeared to
inter-dimensionally travel here.
- Shut up, Noir.
- We also just left like
four unopened chests on it.
- [Ragnarok] Enough, Noir.
(sad music)
- I'm so excited to find
out where I come from.
- Hello, who's there?
- Don't move, or I'll put a
Dusty Divot in your chest.
(record scratch)
- My mans, my mans.
Pause the tape.
Now this (beep) right
here, the compact SMG,
c'mere boy.
Bro, this gonna make your whole squad
look like some doo-doo ass default noobs.
Now this (beep) wouldn't
knock even my hat off my head,
just another crazy part
of this trash ass game.
All right, I'm out.
(record scratch)
- Wait, I come in peace.
Me and my entire squad.
We are only here to roam
the island in enjoyment.
Freedom, and eat the gross ass mushrooms
off the ground.
- I knew it!
My culture is one of peace
and love, I am so happy.
- What, you're the most
violent person I know.
- Regardless of one's past,
we're a squad that forgives.
- Yes, Panda here is endangered.
Tricera Ops people have all been murdered.
And Chomp is on the run
after mauling a lifeguard nearly to death.
- Screw you, shark dude.
I got a gnarly gash in my leg, bro.
- Tell us what happened Tricera Ops.
(people screaming)
- (laughs fiendishly)
Yes, all the dinos must
be wiped off the earth.
(laughs manically)
- Guys, I have a pretty
sketchy feeling about this.
- Shut up, Drift, you're
always scared of everything.
Let's put a smile on that face, huh?
- Now, come inside with me,
and I will tell you the tale
of an ancient place called Tomato Town.
Now.
- Damn it, why am I always dying first?
- I knew it was a trap,
just like that girl who catfished me.
We met up and she slapped
me with a catfish.
(audience laughing)
- Damn, I know I'm a snack,
but this is ridiculous.
(loud explosion)
- Holy (beep).
- You know, Viking culture
has always been kind of lame, anyway.
- Shut up, Drift.
- You shouldn't be mad your
culture ended up being some
B.S. pee strap with
some lame ass dinosaur.
My harvesting tool.
- Look Huntress,
sometimes the place a person comes from
doesn't affect them in any way at all.
And sometimes people go through life
never knowing where they come from.
And sometimes, people do find out
and realize where they come from
completely sucks monkey (beep).
But my point is,
you decide how you let
it affect you, okay?
- What do you think that viking
was going to tell us about?
An ancient Tomato District?
Sounds like it could
be tied to the burger.
- Would you shut up
about that damn burger.
- I wish, I wish I could.
It's haunted me, haunted my
dreams, my consciousness.
I don't know,
sometimes I wish that I
could shut up about it.
You know, you spend your
whole life chasing something,
and when I finally get it,
I have no idea how I'm going to feel.
I could be up to my nipples
in a warm pool of regret.
- This is the strangest
car ride I've ever been on.
Why don't we stop talking
and listen to my new single,
Luv Royale.
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- Oh my god, this is terrible.
- Please turn this off.
- I'd rather listen to Lil Pump.
- Okay, okay, Geez.
Everybody's a critic.
I can't imagine you guys doing any better.
Hey, check it out.
Those are the mushrooms
that crazy viking was talking about.
- Good, eat one, and shut up please.
- Noir, you first.
- Eat it, eat it, eat it.
- Okay.
But y'all some (beep).
Not bad.
- So why don't we head
towards Wailing Woods?
- Oh my god guys.
It's the storm.
(suspenseful music)
- Turn the car around, get in.
- Noir, hurry up.
Noir? (voice echoes)
- All right guys, this is it.
Our chance to win the Battle Royale.
A whole new squad taking over.
- Ha, that was pretty
cool wasn't it, Yeet?
(majestic music)
- Okay we should probably
go check on Noir now.
Noir, Noir wake up.
Wake up Noir, season five is almost over.
Noir, season six just started
and there's some crazy
cube floating island.
Wake up Noir, Season six is over.
We better get him to a hospital.
- Screw that, I'm not carrying his ass.
He's heavy.
- Which direction is the hospital?
- It's that way.
- I know you guys are worried about Noir,
but I have a replacement who
is gonna help us out a lot.
Hey, it's me, Noir.
Has anybody seen that hamburger?
- Guys, I have some bad news.
- Wait, you look familiar.
- Aren't you dead?
- We weren't exactly
able to get Noir back,
but with modern technology,
I was able to upload his consciousness
into this robot llama.
- Hey guys.
- Noir?
- Is it really you?
- Yes it is.
Luckily, now I can resume
my quest for the burger.
I will not stop until I find.
- I like him better already.
(lively music)
- You guys, search the main floor.
I'll go upstairs.
- Wait, what do you think is down there?
(dark suspenseful music)
(quirky music)
- [Ragnarok] This is strange.
- Right?
What kind of sociopathic douche
would film themselves
alone in their basement
with a green screen?
- Well, might as well keep looking around.
Oh my god, it's Ninja.
(suspenseful music)
(phone dialing)
- Hi, Epic Games?
Yeah, yeah it's me.
Yeah so this team just
pretty much beat me.
No, they're not stream sniping,
I don't know if it's
like a bug or something.
- Wow, thank god you had that freeze trap.
- I know, right?
I was using it to keep
Noir's body meat cold,
so we could use it for food.
Kidding, can you imagine?
Yes, yes you can, you're
imagining it right now.
(gunshots)
- Oh (beep).
Our fort's gonna be
destroyed from the bottom up.
- Don't worry guys,
I stole these clown
condoms from the hospital.
- Um, those are balloons.
- You know, you probably just needed
to use one or two of those.
- Not a problem,
maybe from here we can see Greasy Grove.
I think that's where the burger could be.
(Ragnarok shushes)
- I'll show you my Greasy Grove.
(suspenseful music)
- Jesus, I'm freezing my buns off.
- Buns, you say?
- Not those kind of buns.
- God, I hate this game.
(record scratch)
I mean uh, line?
Oh, okay.
Up there.
(suspenseful music)
There's a lot of metal in my skull.
- Stand back.
- Yes, looks like there's a plane here.
- Wait, why did we even come in here
if the plane is outside?
- Who the hell wrote this piece of shit?
(dramatic orchestral music)
- Here we are at the Squad Season Finale.
All the stars are just now arriving.
- [Paparazzi] Todd,
Todd, can we get a photo?
- Yeah, I'm super excited
about this finale.
But what I'm even more excited
to share with you guys,
is the climate change documentary
I'm executive producing.
- My dress, it's an Alexander Wang.
- Yeah, what?
My mouth is small, is
it that big of a deal?
- A season three?
Dude, I don't (beep) know.
I'm holding out, I need
at least seven figures.
- [Cameraman] Right, and aren't you
supposed to be a robot llama?
- Come here.
(suspenseful music)
- All right, one, two, three.
(guns firing)
Just give me one second.
- Well, (beep).
- Let's head northeast.
There's cover there and I
think the storm is clear
in that direction.
- No, you've got no say
in this, little boy.
Huntress and I will decide.
- No.
For years I've heard a voice in my head
saying, "Follow d-rift."
I kept thinking I should be
looking for a dimensional rift,
and maybe the voice just had some sort
of Jamaican accent or something.
But now, with my new
biotechnology, I realize
d-rift is Drift.
- Ha, follow me, (beep).
(majestical music)
- This, this is it.
- What do you mean, it?
Also, whatever happened to Yeet?
- He got vaulted,
just like everything else
I've ever loved in this game.
- Oh my gosh, so much history!
Now where are they?
- Who are they?
- Guys, I haven't been
entirely truthful with you.
I'm not a robo-llama,
I'm not really even Noir.
- You're the Hamburglar?
- That's right,
that's how I was getting
all those McFlurries.
And now, for my ancestors,
I must destroy this Tomato Temple,
and I need to defeat.
- Not so fast.
- Ninja?
We knocked him, he should've died.
- Unless.
- He had a squad with him in the game.
- Well, well, well.
- [Hamburglar] There they are.
- That's right, Hamburglar,
why don't you put your
ancestors' spirits to rest now?
And defeat us.
- This is crazy.
- No, it's history.
During the Food Fight Wars,
my people were destroyed.
Tomatoes thrown all over them, ridiculed.
So I became the Hamburglar
to find the Burger
and defeat him.
But he grew strong and with
his other edible allies.
- That's right.
And nobody is gonna.
(gunshot)
- Not so fast, beef boy.
(suspenseful music)
- It's Tfue.
- No, it's Tanner.
- Who the (beep) is Tanner?
- Wait, how did you get out of prison?
- Oh, you know, paid
sponsorships, video promotions.
I've seen some stuff, man.
A lot of stuff.
And if you wanna see some
stuff, head over Vid Watch,
the new content streaming app,
and use the code roach to save
on your subscription today.
- But she was our doctor
in the last episode.
- Yeah, that was my doctor skin.
- There's no doctor skin.
- Okay, does anyone really
pay attention to the lore?
- I think the lore of this game
is part of why it's not going anywhere.
- What an idiot.
- I know, right?
This game is definitely dying, like bad.
- No it's not, what are you talking about?
They update the maps every season.
There's tons of new vehicles.
- Oh, yeah, because I can't
ride on a shopping cart
at Walmart.
(group laughing)
- Well, people are still
buying battle passes, so.
- Yeah, because it's pay to win.
- That's it.
- Well, there we go again, folks.
Our heroes collide like
a drunken semi-driver
and a baby stroller.
Oh, what?
You wanna see the battle?
Okay, roll it, Jim.
- The storm is closing in.
- All right, I'm not
gonna get knocked first.
(laughs) yes, in your face.
(suspenseful music)
- I'm so happy to be killing again.
- No, Ragnarok.
- Well, we're screwed.
Game over, the fat lady is singing.
- Wait, that's it, singing.
Noir, put your DJ Yonder skin back on.
Play this.
- ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
- Oh my god,
what is that terrible noise?
- I can't take it.
(screaming)
- Just drown it out, Caroline.
Nothing a little calming music can't fix.
- Tanner, what are we gonna do?
- I don't know, the music is so bad.
- Maybe we should shoot
each other at the same time
and put one another out of this misery.
- Oh, that won't be necessary.
- Look, do you want v-bucks?
I've got my mom's credit card.
I can teach you how to
build, I can edit stairs.
- Ha, Jonesy, I don't
care about any of that.
I am sick of you and your
default friends making us
who buy the battle passes look bad.
It's the most embarrassing thing
in the world to lose to a default.
And letting a default win
Battle Royale is even worse.
Now just in case anybody is watching.
(Tanner screaming)
- Good work, Noir.
Looks like this season five parody is over
just in time for season eight.
(happy music)
- So that was it, for reals this time.
Turns out, Noir was
secretly the Hamburgler.
And the original squad of defaults
had been sent by Epic
Games to defeat Ninja,
who had become too much
of a dominant force
in the game.
I don't know, is that what happened?
I was kind of in and out.
Doesn't help that the
writing is complete ass.
Anyways, I'm glad I could provide
some closure and clear that up for you.
Bye, bye, now.
(happy orchestral music)
