Welcome
(buzzer)
Congratulations on your purchase.
You're almost ready to being on your first
epic adventure.
But first, what is a Role Playing Game?
Well, remember when you were kids, and you
used to play games of "let's pretend" like
Cops 'n' Robbers?
A Role-Playing Game is kinda like that.
Remember how some of the kids would pretend
to be cops, while others would take on the
role of robbers?
A Role-Playing Game is kinda like that.
But remember when you used to get into fights?
Someone would get shot and they'd throw a
tantrum,
kicking and screaming about how there was
no possible way
they could have been killed?
Well, a Role-Playing Game is exactly like
that!
But a Role-Playing Game or "RPG" is so much
more; there are so many roles to play.
Do you enjoy the thought of hacking your way
through
your enemies using your mighty sword,
confident that no harm can come to you?
Well, then you should be a Munchkin, someone
so focused on combat
that they end up killing everything, including
plot, story and mood.
Or would you prefer to overcome obstacles
using diving knowledge,
manipulating the world through the use of
scripture?
Well then you are clearly meant to be a Rules
Lawyer,
whose power is so awesome they can bring the
entire world to a halt
while discussing the differences between "Neutral,"
and
"Neutral (Evil tendancies)."
Or, do you enjoy moving in the shadows, protecting
and enriching yourself
at the expense of others?
Then you should be a Loophole Expert, who
uses uncorrected errata and
"creative interpretation" to make his first
level character more powerful
than the Gods on Olympus.
The important thing to remember is that gaming
is a social activity...
(Hiss)
And you're about to be introduced to your
new best friend, dice.
(THACO)
Where the hell is my four-sided
(Off) What?
Where the hell is my four-sided
(Off) Can you give me a hand with this?
Never mind, I got it.
Thanks.
Perhaps I have gone mad.
Perhaps I am but the dream of some butterfly,
who, do to a trauma suffered during caterpillar-dom,
now finds it necessary that I lose my d4.
For a moment ago, a certain amount of the
air in this room was displaced by my die.
I'm pretty sure you're not a butterfly.
That's very kind of you to say, but it's the
only solution
that agrees with strict Empiricism.
If my die is missing, I am a butterfly.
Hey Des-Cartes, your dice are right there.
Not my four-sided.
It's right there.
I'm looking for my purple four-sided.
It's right there.
I'm looking for my purple crystal four-sided
It's right there.
I'm looking for my marble purple crystal four-sided.
It's right there.
I'm looking for my lucky marble purple crystal
four-sided.
My mistake.
You are a butterfly.
Thank you.
May I suggest we simply walk around until
one of us steps on it?
I don't believe this.
Here, I help you the way my mom always helped
me: "Did you look?"
Fuck off, then die, in that order please,
thank you.
What do you need a four-sided for, anyway?
You're a fighter.
I have a dagger.
And a vorpal sword, and a lance of sharpness,
and a +4 footman's mace, and a--
Those are completely inappropriate for close
fighting!
You're using logic now?
What did you do when you were trapped
in a closet with a zombie?
Casting Flame Strike was a flawless plan...
almost.
Look, the Player's Handbook clearly states
that fighters can use
all available weapons, and that includes daggers.
Therefore, I'm going to carry a dagger.
I know my rights!
I know my rights!
Fine, fine.
Look, we can't start until I find it.
We can't start until Aaron and Jon get here.
Aaron?
We can't start until Aaron gets here?
Well that gives me
a couple more hours to look for it.
Ow!
Find your d4?
I found a four-sided.
Ironically, you just took 1d4 damage.
This isn't mine.
You're not hardcore unless you live hardcore.
Shit!
(chuckle)
It's all the same, a guy's living hardcore
until he gets married and then he...
Oh my god!
Okay, doing it three times in a row is just
stupid.
Bill, we've known each other for such a long
time.
Why didn't you tell me?
Tell you what?
Shit.
I'm... wow.
I can explain.
Stay where you are.
This is a misunderstanding.
Keep your hands where I can see them.
When you hear the truth, you're going to laugh.
People know that I'm here.
Sharon!
Sharon left that down here!
Property of Bill Stiteler.
Shit.
Hail Eris.
Shit.
All hail Discordia.
Shit.
And what's this?
Why it's the Chaos sympol superimposed on
the Anarchy symbol.
Edgy!
I am in hell.
And here we have a handwritten list:
Gurps Krull.
Shit.
Gurps Beatsmaster.
Shit.
Gurps Clash of the Titans?
Lord, why have you forsaken me?
Good God, man, why did you hold on to that
thing?
You want to know what's even more embarrassing?
This couldn't possibly get any more embarrassing.
I bought this with money I got from my teacher.
Neeeeeeeerd!
You know, I think you can get arrested for
that kind of thing nowadays.
All right, let's go.
Go where?
Well, as hush money for this little endevor,
I'm going to let you buy me a new four-sided.
Oh, of course I am.
You know, if we're not here when Jon and Aaron
show up, they're going to be pissed.
Fine.
We can stay.
And I can continue looking for my die.
And then we can see what other things I might
find down here...
Let's go.
ADVENTURES ABOVE GROUND
Okay, let me ask you something: do you think
Good is really stronger than Evil?
That's everything I've ever read or seen has
told me.
That's just the lies, man.
The lies.
Oy!
I thought we were gaming today.
We are gaming today.
Right.
At noon.
Right and it's one, so...
So... you're late.
But I thought I had a good two hours before
Aaron got here.
Right?
(Sigh)
Right?
Right?
(CHI TEST)
Oy!
Are you ready to go?
Dude, doing a Chi Test takes a lot of time.
I'm not waiting for you to do a probability
test on a die you're not going to use.
Look, if we're not there when Aaron shows
up, he's gonna leave and we're not gonna see
him again.
Yeah, right, like Aaron is going to get there
before we do.
I called him twice today!
He'll be there!
Ah, but when?
Will he remember to bring his character?
Will he remember to bring his dice?
Will he remember to bring his hours of complaints
about his girlfriend?
Will he remember to bring his girlfriend?
Will he remember to act out the psycho-sexual
nature of their relationship through their
characters?
Talk to the kobolds?
Debbie, you can't talk to kobolds.
In the first place, you don't speak the kobold
tongue.
You don't even speak their alignment language.
And in the second place, nobody talks to kobolds!
They're not there so you can have discussions
with them.
They're there so that you can into their caverns,
kill them, and take their stuff!
Negotiate?
Fine!
Talk to the kobolds?
Fine!
Maybe you want to give the kobolds
your cell phone number, too!
I saw you talking to Dwayne, you whore!
(Off) I don't understand this stupid world...
(Off) It's not stupid!
Don't you call it stupid!
(Off) You are!
Coffee?
Yes, please.
Look, just because Aaron manages to turn every
gaming session into some dark
carnival of the soul, doesn't mean that's
going to happen this time.
Bill's right.
We shouldn't have a "glass is completely empty"
frame of mind,
we should have a "glass may have been half-full
at one point " frame of mind.
You guys are so cynical.
I choose to believe that Aaron will be there.
Sometime.
Today...
Certainly before dark.
Coffee?
Yes, please.
Hey, hey that's Neil Gaiman.
I wonder if he got that fan letter I sent.
Security.
CHARACTER HISTORY
So we had the first meeting of the role-playing
group at school.
That just bloggles my mind.
Why?
You were the one who helped me put the proposal
together.
I just can't see how this doesn't end with
you in front of the PTA,
and them weilding pitchforks, screaming, "He's
the one,
perverting our children!"
Where did you grow up?
In a very small town.
You don't understand, man,
they passed Chick Tracts around like currency.
There was this girl, her parents didn't let
her go to school on Friday the 13th
one time, because she'd heard that Satanists
were kidnapping blonde virgins.
But your parents let you go to school?
Yeah, they... fuck you.
So how'd you get a group together?
I didn't!
I didn't have a group until I was a junior
in high school,
and I found this group of seniors who'd been
playing in secret for years.
It's hard not to be a freak who skulks about
when you have to skulk about.
Cryptogamers... weird...
You claim to be a Catholic, but we think you
still hold true to the Illusionist class!
I didn't even understand that you could use
two ten-sided die to roll percentiles.
What?
You know?
I got my first set, and I was just pissed
that there was no 100 sided
in there, and then I bought the Expert set
when it came out and I thought
"Finally!" but then I got gypped.
Again.
Twice.
Didn't you read the instructions on how to...
Why would I read instructions on how to roll
dice?
Do I look like I'm stupid?
So, you didn't have a group together... how
did you...
Well, I bought all the adventures and all
the modules and I read 'em straight
through, in case, you know, a game spontaneously
broke out.
So you just accumulated all this information
for no purpose.
No, it was way worse than that.
Sometimes, I would play the adventures
in my head.
You played D&D with yourself?
I prefer to say "by myself" rather than "with
myself."
Because it, you know, sounds better.
That has to be the saddest thing I think I've
ever heard.
What?
Playing D&D by yourself.
Oh, man, that's the best!
I remember this time, my paladin fought his
way through each of the Nine Hells,
Slayed Asmodeus and then married his daughter.
Uh huh...
Well, it took him until fifth level to do
it.
Ladies and gentlemen, before the internet...
So anyway!
We had the first meeting of the RPG group.
What adventure did you play?
Borderlands.
Nice...
Good, solid grounding in the classics.
Yeah, well, they spent an hour and a half
rolling up characters,
and then they split up within the first ten
minutes.
No way!
Yeah, the thief announced he was sneaking
off to look for "treasures."
Yeah, because they're just going to be out
in the open like that.
That is so cute.
Ah, to be level one again.
Well I hope you taught them a lesson and slayed
them to the last man using wandering monsters.
No, I bloodied them a bit and let them get
back to town.
I thought you said you were trying to teaching
them something.
I am.
Well how do you expect them to learn anything
if you don't execute them
every time they make a mistake?
Ah, so I should force them to keep re-rolling
characters
until they enter every room like a SWAT team,
Checking every ceiling for Lurkers Above and
every floor for Trappers.
"Lurkers Above?"
You're such an English Major.
"Roleplaying the Safire Way" is a fine, fine
tome!
And just when I think we can't get any nerdier...
I'm serious about this.
You can't just let these kids do whatever
the hell they want, all willy-nilly.
(Off) What?
Are you kidding me?
What?
I'm taking survival advice for a man who teleported
to Egypt,
Used a wish to summon Sutek, then proceeded
to call him an "Ass Face."
Well, he has an ass for a face.
The man, who, upon being enthroned as Lord
of the Archmagi
Announces that he's retiring and reclassifying
as a barbarian,
Pulls out a short sword and starts killing
everyone.
It was a +2 short sword that could only be
weilded by barbarians!
What the hell else was I supposed to do with
it?
Are you trying to say that I'm irrational?
Oh, I think we've established that, yes.
Okay.
Fine.
Hey Jon, would you like to borrow my copy
of Fellowship of the Ring?
Uh, no.
I just thought you might like to borrow it,
considering you've never seen it.
You've never watched Lord of the Rings?
I saw the last two.
Dude, Fellowship is like the best of the three!
So you say, and I'll take your word on that.
And I'm sure that Mister Peter Jackson's "version"
of Lord of the Rings:
Fellowship of the Ring is just fine.
Just fine and dandy.
And I'm sure that it's just great for anyone
who doesn't care enough
about the books to notice that Tom Bombadil
isn't fucking in it.
And these movies that they spent a billion
dollars on, they couldn't afford
to go back and shoot the most critical scenes
in the entire series to put on one
of the 17 DVDs they released.
So the most important part of Lord of the
Rings is... meeting Tom Bombadil?
Don't you fuckin' start.
What?
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'll come over to your house tomorrow night
and we'll have a movie night.
We'll watch Fellowship of the Ring, and then
we can watch Saving Private Ryan.
You don't want to watch that one?
How about Big?
Or...
Castaway?
I hear that Bosom Buddies is out on DVD,
We could spin a couple of episodes of that...
Does Bill have some kind of a problem with
Tom Hanks?
No.
I don't.
Shut up.
Dude, Mazes and Monsters was like an Eon ago.
Not to me it wasn't!
Whoa!
Dude, chill!
Have you ever run down the street after a
garbage truck, screaming?
Well I have!
His grandmother was babysitting for a week
and she kind of... overreacted.
How could they give that... man... two Academy
Awards?
It's the smallest cuts that are the hardest
heal.
I managed to get the garbage truck to stop
but my book still smelled like cabbage
and I never got my death squad lieutenant
back!
She really flipped out, huh?
Things were very tense until my parents got
home
and then she gave them this long lecture on
how D&D was the tool of Satan.
You know, I never understood that.
'Cause most of the time, you were good characters
fighting evil, right?
Thank you.
Sure, there were devils and stuff in the manuals,
but
if anything it wasn't evidence of Satanism,
it was evidence of how much pot
the game designers were smoking in the 70s.
You are walking through a dark forest
And suddenly a bear appears.
And...
(inhaling)
Wait, wait... it's got the head of an owl!
It's an owl bear!
Treasure Type: Pizza.
Save vs. Paranoia or spend 1d4 hours in the
corner
giggling uncontrollably.
I wonder what it would be like to play D&D
high.
You probably just sit in a basement, eating
junk food and talking about crap.
WANDERING MONSTERS
Can we do some in-town stuff while we wait?
You haven't made it to town yet.
But we were riding up to the portcullis.
Which slams down, killing you instantly and
wrecking your charisma!
The Dungeon Master wins, give me your dice!
Thank you for being 14 years old again.
Now, now, it is the Dungeon Master's job to
take on the role
of every other character in the universe.
I must therefore
try to kill you.
No, it's the Dungeon Master's job to create
a magical world
of fantasy and adventure where we can all
spend an
enjoyable evening together, taking part in
an epic fantasy.
Nerd!
What a douche!
Shut up!
Shut up!
You guys are all jerks!
You done?
Yes.
To answer your question, yes, you can do in-town
stuff while you're waiting.
I'm getting drunk!
Yeah, you know what, that's your default posititon.
You can tell me when the first thing you do
in town is NOT get drunk.
Can I get my lute repaired?
Oh, right.
Let's see, normally we would have said that
the sword destroyed it...
but we'll just say the bridge was hewn.
So you can get that repaired.
Okay, but I'm saving the wood.
Right.
Why would you want to save the wood.
You're not even here!
You don't even see any of this!
Do I see that his lute has new wood on it?
No, you do not see that the bridge has new
wood on it.
Did you remember to add in my perception bonus?
Look, if I saw the old wood that would make
me suspicious, right?
I suppose.
I catch you going through my stuff, and you're
a dwarf on a stick.
I've done some crazy shit in my time, I know.
But I would never go through another character's
shit.
Mm hmm.
I left my pop in the car.
Oh, can you grab me something?
I would also like something out of the fridge
if it's not too much trouble.
Sure.
A nice, refreshing cola beverage.
Okay.
Cherry.
Okay.
Diet cherry.
Okay.
In a glass.
Okay.
With ice.
(feet walking up stairs.
door slams)
So you're going to try to break into the room.
Of course.
For what reason?
What?
For what reason?
I don't understand the question.
Let me put it this way: the only reason you
want to break into the room
is because you, Duck, the player believes
that there's something that
he, Jon, the player has in there that he doesn't
want you to see.
Right.
So have no in-character reason for doing this.
I suppose not.
So how are you justifying your character taking
this action?
Huh?
Touché.
Okay, I'll tell you what, I'll allow this,
but only if you can do it in the style of
a text adventure.
All right.
Look.
You are in a hallway, there are exits to the
east and west
down the hallway.
There is a closet to the northwest
and a door to the room to the south.
Your room is to the north.
There is a bucket, next to the closet.
Open door.
Which door do you want to open?
The room door, or the closet door?
Open room door.
How do you want to open the room door?
Open room door with handle.
Which handle do you want to use to open the
room door,
the room door handle or the handle on the
bucket?
Open room door with room door handle.
It is locked.
Unlock room door.
How do you want to unlock the room door?
Unlock room door with key.
Which key do you want to use to unlock the
room door,
the room door key or the dungeon key?
Unlock room door with room door key,
Which room door do you want to unlock with
the room door key,
the north room door or the door to the room
to the south?
Unlock north room door with north room door
key!
I'm sorry that sentence is too long for me
to understand.
You've been eaten by a Grue, Pendejo!
Obfuscate!
Dammit, where did he go!
Left his stuff behind wherever he went!
Now we can go through it!
Hurray!
Hey be careful, there's some very valuable
stuff in there.
What, your soul?
Your virginity?
Even better.
Gasp.
Stunning work, Dr. Jones, I only have three
copies of that, myself.
'Tis not the packaging you should be concerned
with, but what it contains:
The character sheet of one Steve White, the
original owner of this tome in 1984.
Slightly yellow, college-ruled paper?
Yes.
Three hole punched, with the punches torn
out?
Yes.
And the characters name is...
Hold on, I want to put some money down on
this.
Okay, I got a dollar.
Oooh, big spender.
You get one question each.
Class?
Thief.
Single class?
Single class.
Alignment?
Neutral evil.
Oh that is my second least favorite alignment.
Let's see.
Neutral evil thief..
Shadow... von Nightwalker..
Grey Darkdagger.
I'm sorry but the answer we were looking for
is Ashe Raventhorne.
Ashe Raventhrone.
You should have stuck with the classics.
Half elf?
Half elf?
That would've been my first choice.
But don't worry, we have some lovely parting
gifts for you.
Ah, first edition rules.
Indeed it does.
No, I mean the actual rules.
All the nonsensical bullshit they threw in
here
that we never questioned.
How females have a strength penalty
and in the case of fighters, cannot attain
strength higher than 18/50.
Right, and in addtion, upon attaining 7th
level (Champion).
Females have
to retire, settle down and have children.
They can henceforth wear no
armor other than studded leather, perhaps
with a garter belt, and must
perform oral sex on their husbands upon request.
Plus, elves can't be rangers.
Could you get a better look into the psyche
of a 12 year old nerd?
What, a giant, red, golden-thong-wearing demon,
holding a naked woman
in one hand a giant sword in the other?
What could possibly
be wrong with that?
I would like to point out that the girdle
of masculinity/femininity was a cursed item,
but the Eye of Vecna was not.
Hey, gouging out my own eyeball to replace
with the eldritch organ
of some undying lich is one thing, but I don't
want a vagina.
Ew.
I wouldn't worry about it.
Strange that that was the only sex-related
cursed item.
What do you want, the ring, cursed, -1, small
weiner?
Would that be the cock ring, cursed, -1?
No, that would be the cock ring of invisibility.
It only works until you attempt to backstab!
Cock ring of delusion: makes you think its
bigger than it really is.
Cock ring of human control!
Cock ring of regeneration.
Cock ring of wizardry!
Cock ring of free action!
Cock ring of warmth.
Cock ring of magic missles!
Cock ring of rulership!
Cock ring of smiting!
Cock ring +5, Holy Avenger!
Cock ring of alignment change!
Cock ring of Orcus!
Okay, we gotta stop.
I can't breathe.
The One True Cock Ring.
One Cock Ring To Rule Them All,
One Cock Ring to Find Them.
One Cock Ring to Brin Them All,
And In the Darkness Bind Them!
Ow!
Hey, I found it!
BELIEF SYSTEMS
Convert!
No!
Convert!
I say thee nay!
Man if you would spare your life, convert
now!
Never!
Aw, c'mon!
Convert already!
No, I don't wanna!
(mubmles) Turn on the damn light...
You've got to convert to third edition?
Why?
Why!?
Why?
Why?
What the hell kind of question is that?
It's the new edition!
So?
It's the new edition!
It's one number higher!
You've got to use the new edition!
No, I refuse.
Are you insane?
I've spent untold hours putting this character
together.
I've carefully weighed out the plusses and
minuses of each and every skill.
Before taking Blind Fighting and Iajutsu.
Like everybody else.
I've made a detailed character history that
outlines all the major events
that have every happened to him, since his
dad forgot his third birthday.
And furthermore, I've spent over 400 goddamned
dollars on Kit Books.
So I ain't switchin'!
I can't have one person be second...
Hold on, I got this.
Duck, in 3rd edition, they get rid of racial
restrictions on classes.
So?
So, any race can be any class.
You can have a half-orc ranger.
You can have a gnome barbarian.
You can have a drow monk.
Drow monks?
This game has drow monks?
As player characters.
This has got to be some kind of trick.
With no level restrictions.
Give me the book.
(laughter)
This is the one with that open license thing,
right?
Yep.
So they combined RPGs and Linux.
What the hell is this, some kind of geek heroin?
Well, it's supposed to inspire people to create
their own wonderfully
diverse gaming systems.
That all play like D&D.
All right, well, while we're waiting for Aaron,
I will walk you through character creation.
What?
I'll walk you through character creation.
Bitch, I've created more characters than you've
had hot meals.
I've made characters for games you've never
heard of, and I've never played.
I've made histories for characters that make
The Silmarillion look like Cliff's
notes.
If I was stuck on a desert island with nothing
but a sheet of graph paper
and a DM made of coconuts, I could roll up
a character using
a random-number generator in my head that
would pass the chi test.
I have made a character for Price of Freedom
in less than an hour.
When I have Alzheimer's from all the aluminum
foil I've chewed
in my life, and I can't remember the names
of my loved ones,
I will still remember the Armor Class of my
first fighter/magic-
user/thief
from the front, back, surprised, with or without
his Sword +4, Defender.
All I need to know is what my THAC0 is...
Oh, they don't do THAC0 any more.
What?
They don't do THAC0 anymore.
See, they've unified the system so that bigger
numbers are always better.
I'm sorry, we were talking about "to hit rolls"
and then you suddenly
started talking like Charlie Brown's teacher.
Look, it's really simple, you start with an
Armor Class of 10,
and then the numbers get bigger.
Bigger?
Yeah, so Armor Class 11 is one level better.
Armor Class 11!?
There is no Armor Class 11!
I'm sorry, but there is.
They changed THAC0?
They changed THAC0?
You don't change THAC0!
But it's better this way!
Sure.
And it would be better yet if instead ofa
lich's touch draining levels,
instead it gave us an enhanced sense of self-esteem!
How about instead of making saving throws,
we close our eyes and wish really, really
hard not to get hurt!
Hey, how about if instead of hoarding gold,
a dragon's cave was full of tasty cookies?
Oh, I know I'd like that.
How about instead of recreating epic fantasy,
we learn the value of sharing?
Shall we trade magic spells for affirmations
and
hit points with hugs?
The next thing you're going to tell me
is that Magic-users can use swords.
Uh...
Oh my God!
Says the man who wanted to create a Drow Monk.
A Drow Monk would be cool!
Look, it goes against the whole universe of
Dungeons and Dragons for Magic-users to use
swords.
Yeah, if they try to pick on up, it scoots
across the floor.
What if you had four Magic-users, on in each
corner of the room,
walking towards the sword in the middle?
Then the universe folds in upon itself.
And you become your own grandpa.
Gandalf used a sword.
Bitch, I know you're not going to make me
embarrass you by sayinh out
that Gandalf was a Maia.
Just checking.
They can wear armor now too.
I am seriously freaking out here.
Night is day and right is wrong.
Oh, c'mon.
They're just trying to eliminate those bizarre
game balance rules that didn't make any sense.
Oh, great; so now it's GURPS?
Whoa.
Hey.
You take that back.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push it that far.
I didn't mean it.
Look, just roll up your Drow monk and everything
will be okay.
What has happened to the world, the world
of Greyhawk?
I suppose I can't subdue dragons anymore,
either.
No.
You can no longer beat a thousand year-old,
super intelligent magic-wielding reptile
into submission by hitting it with the flat
of your sword.
Why would you want to subdue a dragon, anyway?
To ride him!
Oh, right.
That's why in your first home-made adventure,
your characters
always find an unattended dragon's nest just
as the eggs are hatching.
Aaaah… repressed memories surfacing…
Second level fighter…
stealing Thor's hammer…
You know, I thought it was bad enough when
the good TSR was killed
by its evil twin and they got rid of all the
demons and gods,
but this?
This is heresy.
Well, I was this close to worshipping Garl
Glittergold but
they changed the Deities and Demigods to Legends
and Lore.
The soulless corporate bastards.
Were they more afraid that we were going to
worship devils,
or that we'd beat off to that topless picture
of Bast?
So!
Drow monk then...
No, it's all tainted now.
I can't believe they changed THACO.
The artwork's better, though.
Compared to the van art they used to have?
Yes, yes it is better.
Here, let me draw you a turkey using only
my hand and a piece of paper.
That's better, too.
How 'bout we play anything besides Dungeons
and Dragons next time?
Like what?
Between us we have every game ever made,
and every module for every game ever made
since 1978.
Hey!
Cthulu!
Ugh.
What?
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I'll play Call of Cthulu with you next week
if the adventure we play isn't the following:
You are summoned by an old friend to a decrepit
mansion
in a remote location, near a village, where
the townsfolk are constantly
looking at the house, but never speak of it.
Strange things are happening, and he wants
you to investigate.
Ooooooooooooh!
Soon, you discover there is a monster in the
house which you cannot fight,
and then you have to spend the rest of the
adventure pretending
to be afraid of empty hallways while looking
for what door the
secret library is behind, and what page from
Nyarlathotep's Bedtime Stories
For Great Old Ones you have to read to make
the house burn down, The End.
Next.
That is not the description of every
Call of Cthulu game you've ever played.
It's the description of every Call of Cthulu
adventure that I've ever played.
Next.
Shadowrun!
Uh, we could just play Quake and get the same
effect.
We could play GURPS...
(laughter)
Hey, Marvel!
Who owns that?
I do.
Oh, you're the one.
I suppose you have the Ultimate Powers book,
too.
Uh... no?
Skyrealms of Jorune!
Is that actually a game, I thought it was
just a series of ads in Dragon.
"No Elves!"
That was Talislanta, jackoff.
Uh, Vampire!
Or we could cut out the middle man
and go straight to having gay buttsex with
each other.
Zing.
Oh, I am so tormented, and I have nothing
but my French lace cuffs, and
velvet ascot to comfort me.
Dude, that is really narrow minded.
It wasn't just gay vampires...
There were gay werewolves, too.
Gay werewolves?
Children of Gaia.
Yeah, okay.
Hey, how 'bout we play Kult?
Uh, let me see; I'm not 16 years old anymore,
I'm not listening to Danzig as far as I can
recall...
Rolemaster!
(Exasperated sigh)
Do you have a problem with Rolemaster?
Let me put it this way: you begin marching
across the desert.
Consult table 136 to determine which foot
you begin marching on.
Consult table 143 to see if you have tied
your laces correctly.
If you have not tied your laces correctly,
consult table 143(b) to see what kind of knot
you have tied your laces into.
If table 143(b) indicates you have tied your
laces into multiple knots,
consult table 143(c) to see how many knots
you have tied your laces into--
Oh my god, make it stop!
Next!
How about next time we play a superhero game.
Marvel!
No, I mean like a good superhero game.
Do you remember what happened the last time
we played a superhero game?
It was awesome!
New York City was dragged into Hell!
But it was awesome
"Nuke York!"
Criminey, that was sweet.
I'm not running it.
Well fuck you, then, I'll run it.
It'll be all Alan Moore and shit.
Our characters will dick each other over.
They do that already.
Yeah, but this time it'll be intentional.
The best superhero game ever played.
Man, I don't know if I'm up for Champions.
Oh, Champions is all right.
The last time we played Champions, we played
for
10 hours and didn't get out of the first round
of combat.
That's why I came up with house rules for
Champions.
That's why everyone comes up with house rules
for Champions.
I'm not talking about Champions.
I'm talking about Villains and Vigilantes.
Ooooooooh.
Thirty-five year old experiencing nostalgia...
Stand back!
There may be a VH-1 series crashing down on
me any second!
I don't know man, I mean, you can't go home
again.
Fuck that, yes you can.
No, you don't understand, I've read too many
Vertigo comics.
I'm out of ideas.
It's easy, man, it's easy...
Look, I wrote my thesis on the deconstruction
of superheroes in a
Post-Modern world.
I can't go back to that well any more.
Yes you can!
Just think of any catch phrase... any buzzword...
Uh... broadband?
Now, think, what superhero powers does he
have?
Electric bolts...
Super-knowledge from any website he can access...
And it's Villains and Vigilantes; he has to
have something completely random.
Claw feet!
Now ask yourself this question...
How would Jeff Dee illustrate this!?
Jeff Dee...
Shit, I can see it.
Jeff Dee, man...
I'm in.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION
I don't believe you guys!
(door slams)
I'm sorry, Bill.
That was supposed to be a surprise?
Where the hell do you think we're from?
I thought you were being ironical.
Does Aaron know?
Of course Aaron knows.
But he kept talking about trying to figure
out who the traitor was.
That's just because it was so obvious that
it was the Burgermeister--
Viscount!
Whatever.
He thought you were trying to pull some kind
of a double-cross on us or something.
I could still be doing that!
Well, no, you can't, see, 'cause the Burgermeister
gave us the wand
that he said was sure to defeat the dragon
that was actually leading the orcs...
Bill?
Bill?
And if somebody gives you a one-shot magic
item that's guaranteed
to defeat the monster, it means they're double
crossing you.
I know what it means!
I didn't think you knew what it meant.
What, do you think we just fell off the turnip
truck from Saltmarsh or something?
Shut up, Duck.
Hey, if it's any consolation, it's been a
really good adventure.
I've had a good time playing it.
Yeah, yeah.
No, seriously, some of those puzzles on the
third level were--
Lifted from other adventures.
Yes, I know, but... the traps, some of the
traps!
The way you arranged them was real nice.
Yeah... uhm...
Like...
When you put that bottomless pit at the end
of the room with the frictionless floor?
That was pretty good.
I never saw anybody do that before.
Look, can we just play?
We were having a good time.
Fine, you are in a 10 x 10 room.
There is an orc standing next to a lever.
That's original.
Blow me!
Save vs. Wands!
(sigh) All right, I suppose it was a little
obvious.
Especially when you named him Goodman.
Shut up!
I'm just sayin'...
So are we okay?
I suppose.
And you're not going to suddenly decide that
the burger king or whatever is
Asmodeus or Tiamat and suddenly going to kill
us?
No, I'll keep it the same.
He's the Tarasque.
Riding a tank.
A tank made of poisonous acid.
As long as you're not mad.
All right, let's gets started.
As the sun dies and ochre death, in the gloming
twilight of the day...
(phone rings)
Hello?
Yes.
Yes, honey, I'm "winning."
Yeah, in a little while.
Okay.
Bye.
Sorry.
As the sun dies an ochre death in the gloming
twi--
(phone rings)
Hello?
No, I can't talk about that right now, I'm
about to kill somebody.
Sorry.
As the sun
(phone rings)
God!
Damn it!
Oh!
Hi, mom.
No, I just hit my knee.
-Hello.
No, we already sold that.
-I'm with some friends.
I'll call you right back.
Hey man, what's up?
-No, I don't want to see that...
It's really overrated.
-No, I don't know where Aaron is, I've been
waiting for him here.
-Hello?
-Yeah.
(talking over each other)
Dude, Cybertron!
Everybody fucking knows that!
As the sun dies an ochre death
(beeping)
Pizza's done!
ENCUMBRANCE PENALTIES
Hey, can I borrow your limited-edition authentic
Highaland Katana?
Conner, not Duncan.
Duncan sucks.
No, you can't.
Why snot?
I'll tell you why snot.
Because I don't have it any more, that's why
snot.
You lose it?
No.
It get stolen?
No.
You enlodge it in the lighting fixture of
some underground parking garage or something?
No.
Sold it.
Whoa!
That was like the geekiest thing you owned.
Yeah, that and your copy of Metamorphosis
Alpha.
Sold that, too.
Star Wars promotional mints, mint in box?
Sold.
Whoa!
Never opened Battlestar Galactica Colonial
Viper that has missles that
actually fire, and present an extreme choking
hazard?
Sold.
Official shooting script from The Matrix that
shows they actually
added in the line, "Whoa?"
Sold.
Whoa.
Why?
I got tired of looking at it.
Your collection?
The greatest geek collection known to nerd?
It was junk.
I woke up in the middle of the night in a
cold sweat last week
from this deam that I'd had.
I couldn't quite remember it, all I knew
was that it scared the living shit out of
me.
I couldn't get back to sleep, so I got up,
and checked on some auctions
that I was watching.
And then I remembered my nightmare.
I was this tired, old, fat little man, like
a bag lady with a cart.
Only I wasn't on the street, I was in Hell,
or after the apocolypse or whatever.
And my hair was oily, and my teeth were falling
out
And I was so happy: all my collectables were
strapped to my back.
Boxes and boxes of toys that I'd never played
with, junk that I'd paid
hundreds of dollars for, because somebody
told me it was rare.
And I could see my face, this smile there,
this thin, sad little smile
and it made me sick.
I realized I was either going to be this guy
or I was this guy.
The guy who only wanted things because other
people couldn't have them.
So I started selling things.
I sold everything.
Just sold the last of the Empire Strikes Back
bubblegum cards this morning.
Some museum doing a pop culture exhibit.
Good riddance.
You got rid of all of your geek stuff?
I still have most of my books, I still have
the stuff for the games that I play.
I just didn't want the crap any more.
I'm not a slave to my possesions!
Labyrinth?
What?
You sold everything you own because of Labyrinth?
What?
That scene, where Sarah is surrounded by the
old ladies
with all their junk on their back, and she
screams "This is all junk!"
And then she runs off to fight David Bowie's
codpiece.
That's from Labyrinth, man!
(Duck laughs.)
Oh my God!
I changed my life because of Labyrinth!
Regrets?
Not at all!
I'm just glad to get those dust collectors
out of my house!
Still, man, Laybrinth?
Now, now, Buddha sat in front of the wall
and was Enlightened.
Just... be careful about who you tell that
story to in the future.
Are you comparing David Bowie's codpiece to
the Buddha?
No, only to the wall.
Does David Bowie's codpiece have a Buddha-nature?
I'm not having this discussion with you again.
Well, I've suddenly realized that it's been
my lifelong ambition
to journey halfway across the world to put
a shard into
a dark crystal, bringing an ending that is
not only hard to hear
but completely unintelligible to my 10 year
old brain.
So, without further adieu, I bid you adieu.
Yeah, I got an early day tomorrow.
Yeah, all right, well, just leave this stuff
like it is for right now
I'll clean it up later.
Hey guys.
Any Mountain Dew?
Where the fuck have you been?
I was thinking about games while I was washing
my cloak, and I lost track of time.
So are we playing, or are you bitches a bunch
of Flumphs?
Wrap your lips around my Rod of Wondrous Power.
All right, well, as you ride into town, you
notice that the sky
has not only turned dark, but that there is
a hint of ichorous green in the setting sun.
I attempt to disbelieve!
I have an arrow knocked!
I ready a potion!
Shut!
Up!
The captain of the guard hails you as the
portcullis closes for the night behind you.
So what were you thinking about?
Oh, I was trying to figure out...
What I get from playing RPGs.
Really, what do I get from these games?
Mm.
Well, two things, really.
The first is that I have concentrate really,
really hard
if I want to properly pronounce the word "melee."
And the second is, you know, no matter how
weird it sounds
You guys are some of the best friends that
I 
have ever made.
I try to backstab Aaron.
Roll to hit.
Ooooooh!
(laughter)
Ah, the lucky roll of the evening.
