>> announcer: And now a message
from senator bernie sanders.
>> hello, america, it's me,
bernie sanders
always a bridesmaid, never the
democratic nominee
because of the stress of the
campaign and the coronavirus, I
lost a lot of hair on top, which
I don't think is coming back any
time soon, unfortunately
as you know, I have suspended my
presidential campaign.
People have been very nice,
asking how I'm doing, if I have
enough toilet paper.
Please, I'm a 78-year-old man
living in vermont, I have a
whole room full of toilet paper
and by the way, not the good
stuff, single ply.
I'm talking prison t.P
but I digress.
I know a lot of you have
questions, and because I can't
download zoom on my dell
computer, I thought I'd answer
them all right here.
Question number one, what the
hell happened?
First of all, math happened.
Yo, bernie -- and it didn't help
that the media lined up behind
joe biden like he lines up
behind a set of lady's
shoulders.
Which brings me to our next
question, will I endorse
joe biden?
It's not about if I endorse, I'm
going to endorse
it's about how I'm going to
endorse.
A full throated I endorse this
man?
Or more the soft endorsement
a heavy.
A political chump, for the time
being -- it's just a chump
let's move on to the real
crisis, the coronavirus.
Our health care workers don't
even have the proper protective
equipment.
They don't have purell
they don't even have the little
key chain that has the bottle of
purell that goes on your purse
the gloves have holes in the
fingers like oliver twist.
And I should know, I went to
high school with oliver twist.
Oh, boy, what a schmuck.
Please, sir, may I have some
more
some more!
Greedy little bastard.
To tackle this pandemic, here's
what we have to do, no more
handshakes
no more high fives
and don't even mention the euro
kiss
the only greeting we need is the
half waive
it's 50% "hello," and 50% "go
away, go away.
It's worked for me for years
so what's next
look, don't worry about me
it's spring in vermont, so soon
it will be up to 40 degrees.
And I finally have the time to
relax and finish that heart
attack from October.
But my immediate plan is to do
anything I can to beat
donald trump
that's why I'm voting for
joe biden as enthusiastically as
joe voted for the iraq war
in closing, I just want to say a
sincere thank you to everyone
who voted for me
the young people, the queer
people, the brendan's, the
kyle's, and, of course, the hot
girls who love weed.
And to the little bird who
landed on my podium during the
last election.
Where the hell were you this
time
so stay safe, stay healthy
and please, whatever you do,
stay the hell away from me
okay, somebody show me how to
turn this stupid thing off
>> announcer: This has been a
message from senator
bernie sanders
