Interviewer: Hello, and welcome to this weeks special Interviewing A Cyclops. I would like to start today by thanking the gods for shrinking Mr.Polyphemus so that we could have this interview, and thank you for agreeing to meet with me today Mr.Polyphemus.
Polyphemus: Oh it’s a pleasure to be here and see you, I mean hear you.
Interviewer: Okay let’s go ahead and get started, we had some fans send us questions that they would like to know.
Polyphemus: Okay then go ahead, I’m all ears.
Interviewer: Alright some people were wondering, how did you feel after losing your sheep?
Polyphemus: Umm (sniffling) it was really hard without my sheep, I was so alone.
Interviewer: Tissue? (holds out tissue)
Polyphemus: Thank you. (Blows nose)
Interviewer: Okay next question, who do you blame for Odysseus being alive?
Polyphemus: I only blame myself for not tearing that little ×bleep× to shreds. (Polyphemus actually said sheep not a bad word.)
Interviewer: I guess that answers our next question. Do you wish to eat Odysseus?
Polyphemus: Why of course, I would like to eat him along with anyone he loves. Although I am grateful that he had to spend over 8 years away from his family after his encounter with me.
Interviewer: Alright question four, do all Cyclopes raise sheep or just you?
Polyphemus: No, a few others besides me do, but for the most part cyclopes raise cows for meat and milk.
Interviewer: Do you still raise sheep, or do you raise cows now?
Polyphemus: No in fact, I raise goats instead of sheep, I just couldn’t get over my sheep dying.
Interviewer: I see, what about Poseidon, was he a good father?
Polyphemus: Good? I guess... I mean he did make Odysseus’ journey very long, fulfilling my prayer, but he was never around much.
Interviewer: Well now that we are on the subject of Poseidon, how about we bring him out. What do you say crowd? (Cheering)
Polyphemus: What!!
Poseidon: Hello Polyphemus.
Polyphemus: Father, I’m surprised you even remember my name
Poseidon: (under breath) Oh my gosh, I’m a god Polyphemus I know everyone’s name
Interviewer: Anyways we brought Poseidon here to ask what everyone has been wondering... who is the mother???
Polyphemus: Now that is a question I would love to hear the answer to.
Poseidon: But you do not wish to see the answer.
Interviewer: Alright guys let’s stay calm. Poseidon, do you wish to answer?
Poseidon: Fine, I guess you have the right to know. Your mother was named Thoosa.
Interviewer: We have brought Thoosa and Amphitrite here today, Poseidon’s baby mama and wife please come on out.
(Thoosa and Amphitrite enter from opposite sides yelling and begin to fight.)
Amphitrite: You stupid nymph what the heck are you doing here? You can’t just come around whenever you want.
Thoosa: I think I have every right to see my son.
Amphitrite: The son you ABANDONED!
Thoosa: Just like you to throw that in my face.
Amphitrite: You don’t even know who I am. (Amphitrite & Thoosa begin fighting again)
Interviewer: Okay let’s calm down ladies. (security seats them) Poseidon is there something you want to say?
Poseidon: Amphitrite it doesn’t matter what Thoosa and I had, because I married you. (crowd has fangirl moment)
Interviewer: So, Polyphemus did not knowing your mother play a role in any childhood issues?
Polyphemus: Yes. I feel as though without a mother to guide me and teach me, I ended up with little respect towards women as well as anti-social behaviors.
Interviewer: As a licensed psychiatrist I must ask, do you feel as though you loved your former sheep so much because you felt they were the one thing that could never leave you?
Polyphemus: (now in tears) Why yes, now hearing it aloud I think you are right.
Thoosa: Polyphemus I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you like that.
(long pause)
Interviewer: Okay, not to change the subject, but let’s finish up these questions.
Polyphemus: (wipes face)Yes let’s.
Interviewer: Now how tall were you and how much did you weigh when you were born?
Polyphemus: I was 130 inches and I weighed 565 pounds and 3 ounces at birth.
Interviewer: Wow, any human would say that’s crazy, but seeing as you are a Cyclops I don’t know if that’s normal or not.
Polyphemus: Hahaha well I was the biggest of all my brothers.
Poseidon: Yup, you were one fat baby.
Interviewer: Okay question 10, is there a Cyclope basketball league, and if so what is it called and do you play in it?
Polyphemus: No, sadly there isn’t, but every month we get together and have mock tournaments with wrestling, soccer, and chili cook offs.
Interviewer: HAHAHA and people call you guys uncivilized. Anyways, I completely understand if you say no to this next question, but some of our viewers were wondering… Can we see your eye?
Polyphemus: Sure. (Lifts eyepatch and camera’s block it for young audiences.)
Interviewer: So that leads us to our next question, which I already know. Do you have to use a cane or a seeing eye dog to get around?
Polyphemus: (holds up cane from behind the couch) Yes, I use a cane.
Interviewer: Now give us the gossip, is there going to be a Mrs. Polyphemus in your future?
Polyphemus: Umm… I don’t see that happening anytime soon, though I did sign up on ecyclops earlier this month. (crowd ooos)
Interviewer: Alright, last question. Do you have any advice to give our viewers?
Polyphemus: Never trust a man from Troy. Hahahahaha.
Interviewer: Hahahahahahaha! Well thank you for joining us and answering all our questions.
Polyphemus: No problem.
Interviewer: Now make sure you check out Polyphemus’ new book “Life of a Cyclops”. It includes how to raise goats, dealing with anger, and the Cyclopes famous chili recipe. And join us next week when we find out just how many mistresses Zeus has.
