You know what drives me
crazy about the economy
is when they talk
about it on the news.
They act like everybody's rich.
You notice that?
Where they'll be like,
"Global economic meltdown.
Is your money safe?"
What, do you mean the $43
I have in my checking account?
It should be okay.
Thank you.
Then you turn the channel
and they're like,
"Has the value
of your property gone down?"
Huh.
I don't know.
Let me ask my goddamn landlord.
You know what the worst part
of having a landlord is?
People think it's the money;
it's so not the money.
Worst part of having a landlord
is having to call the landlord
"landlord."
It's a bit of an exaggerated
title, isn't it,
for a guy who rents out rooms
to strangers for money?
Landlord?
Like there's something medieval
about the whole thing?
Whenever I see my landlord now,
just to mess with him,
I'm always like, "Milord.
"Milord, I come to thee
"from the kingdom
of Apartment 4J.
"Milord, if you wouldn't mind
"taking off your cape,
I need you to unclog m' toilet."
Yeah.
I watch the news a lot--
too much.
Uh, yeah, the news is (bleep).
Um, CNN is my network
'cause, 'cause CNN,
even when it's bad news,
it's kind of good on CNN.
But you know who's got
the saddest news on Earth?
You ever accidentally watch
that British news?
Know what I'm talking about--
that BBC News,
those sad-ass British accents
on there?
Just the way they pronounce
countries on there
bums me out, like...
(in British accent):
Afghani-stan.
Ugh.
Like, they could make
any news story sound sad
on the BBC, like...
"Today packs of wood nymphs
traveled
"the hillsides of New Jersey
handing out chocolate chip
cookies and (bleep) jobs."
We got to stay
out of New Jersey.
Jesus.
Lot of time on the Internet
as well.
I heard about this Web site
recently called,
called It Gets Better.
You guys know what this is?
All right, if you don't know
what it is, it's a Web site,
uh, where gay teenagers
that are getting bullied
by Tracy Morgan-- kidding.
"I'm gonna stab you."
I'm kidding.
No, gay teenagers that are
getting bullied at school--
they can go online
and adult gay celebrities
have little videos for 'em
going, like, "Hey,
"I know you're getting bullied
now, but just so you know,
it gets better."
Which sounds nice,
but it's actually
just some empty Hollywood stuff
'cause if I was one
of the gay kids, I'd be like,
"So, celebrity,
you can't help me today?"
Celebrities are like, "Today?
"No, we're afraid
of the bullies as well,
but best of luck to you."
You know what Web site would be
way more effective
than It Gets Better?
Web site called It Gets Worse
where all the people that were
super-popular in high school
had to leave videos
about what losers they became
later on in life.
Wouldn't that be great?
Yeah.
Actually, wait, they have that.
It's called Facebook.
Bang!
Bang!
So the, uh, there was some
music award show recently--
the Songies or something, uh...
I'm so-- are you not sick
of these music shows,
these award shows?
It's like there's,
like, no good songs,
then they're just
giving them awards.
Like, let's give Ne-Yo a prize.
Let's not, um...
So, so, uh, you know what else
drives me crazy about that?
Remember when people used
to just do their songs
on these shows and get offstage?
That's not enough
for these egomaniacs.
They have to show us
how hard they worked,
so, like,
Usher will finish his song
and everyone's applauding,
and instead of getting offstage,
Usher stands there
and does this.
(breathing heavily)
It's like, "Usher,
you lip-synched a song.
"You didn't witness a murder.
Get offstage."
Yeah.
Fellas, nobody-- no--
fellas, no woman on Earth
wants to look at her phone
and see a picture of your dick.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, ever.
Our bodies are disgusting.
They're not made
to be photographed.
That's what women's bodies
are for.
Women's bodies are beautiful.
They've got curves and padding
and their own cafeteria.
They have a lot happening.
Our bodies are not made
to attract women.
Our bodies are made
to see attractive women,
chase them down
with our superior speed...
subdue them
with our superior strength,
try to make a baby.
There we go.
(grunting)
This is the face I make.
(grunting)
I love you.
So, uh, so I'm single.
(crowd laughs)
(Brennan laughs)
No, I'm single,
so girls will send me pictures
of their boobs sometimes,
and it's the best.
It's the best.
That never happens
to my married guy friends.
I shouldn't say
it never happens.
My married guy friends--
their wives will send them
pictures of their boobs,
but it's always with a note
that says, like,
"I think my rash is back."
So girls will send me
pictures of their boobs,
and then I got
to send something back,
and this is
about all we have to send,
so-- but, fellas,
women don't want that.
They-- so put something
in the frame,
if you're going to take
a picture of it,
that women actually like.
Put, like, a scented candle
down there...
or, like, a gift certificate
for Sephora.
(women cheering)
Yeah, or like a bigger dick.
Something.
(laughs)
Women are sensual creatures,
you understand me?
So, so they...
they don't want the organ.
They want a hint
of sexuality, fellas,
so if you got abs,
take a picture of your abs.
You know what else women like?
Women like this thing,
whatever this is, the ramp.
(women cheering)
Yeah, the on-ramp to Dick City.
For the black girls,
the D'Angelo muscle, huh?
(women cheering)
Yeah.
Yeah, this is romantic.
This is like The Notebook.
This is A Walk to Remember.
This is Alien 3.
