So, before I go ahead
I just wanna tell you I do
My jokes in English
and Hindi both
I hope you’re okay with that
Because some people are not!
This guy met me after a show
And said “YOU ARE INDIAN”
I said
 “Erm, yeahh”
“Who the hell are YOU?”
“PROUD Indian”
"Oh"
“So what do you want from me?”
“I want that you should do your
jokes only in Hindi”
“Yeah
but why’re you saying
it in English?”
“Don’t try to act smart, okay?”
“And don’t forget your roots!”
“Roots are fine, but now I have branches”
“What do I do about that?”
Unrealistic expectations people have!
Sardars are at another level
They want me to perform
only in Punjabi
And they don’t even wait
Till the end of the show
To tell me that.
In the middle of the show he said
“No subtitles, you traitor?”
“We’ll pay more if you want”
And the entire crowd looked at him
“Wow, this one’s funnier”
“We paid for the wrong guy”
Everyone’s judging everyone
That’s the problem.
It’s not even like you’re
Judging me
You’re judging yourselves!
If a guy sitting next to you
Is having fun
he is laughing like crazy
And you think “How uncultured!”
“Who laughs like that!”
Two minutes later
When it’s your turn to laugh
YOU’RE slapping his thigh
Which is why I like doing this
Which is why I like  Stand-Up comedy.
Live stand-up comedy.
Think about it!
It’s a bunch of strangers
Sitting with other strangers
Listening to a stranger
Otherwise we don’t have that in India
We’re not a country where
We’re nice to strangers
Other countries have this thing
Where they cross someone
And there’s eye-contact
They just smile
Or nod
When we have eye-contact
We’re just like
“What’re you staring at?”
“I’ll rip your eyes out”
“Don’t talk to him”
“Looks like a drug dealer”
I was with a friend of mine
in his car
He was also in it
It’s HIS car.
And he’s one of those people
“Nobody drives my car”
“What if they bang it…”
“It’s fine. I don’t wanna drive”
So we’re in the car
We stop at a red-light
And this guy crosses the road
 Random guy.
Common man.
Crosses the road
He looks at him and goes
“JERK”
And it’s amazing how sure he is!
I said “Do you know him?”
“No. I just know”
What do I tell him?
It’s not his fault
It’s in our upbringing
When I was a kid
And I was one
Before I went out to play
My mom would stop me
And she woule be like
“Listen…”
“If anyone gives you
anything to eat”
“Don’t eat”
I was 8 years old
And to this day
I’m waiting.
Nobody gives anything!
Why’re you showing a kid
Dreams that are never
Coming true!
It has never happened
That I’m out on the street
And someone comes and says
“Would you like some curry and rice?”
“It’s in my van. Come with me”
But I miss being a kid
Been a long time since then
What I miss the most is
How easy it was
to make friends
Remember that?
You would just
go out to play
You’d see another kid
And you’d say
“I have a bat!”
He’s say,“I have a ball”
“LET’S PLAY!”
And then you play
And become friends
You have a nice ritual
So cute!
So innocent!
I can’t do that at this age
I can’t walk into a room
Look at this guy
and go
“Wanna play?”
“I have a ball”
He's like
“I don’t play anymore”
“I only invest in mutual funds”
Nobody likes meeting new people!
But you need to
Because you need new friends
Because your old friends suck!
You know this, right?
You’re a group of old friends
Five of you on a whatsapp group
It’s called “Five Stars”
or something.
But…
But…
Four of you
Are on another whatsapp group
Because one day all four of you
Met up and realized
The fifth one is a mistake
“Rakesh has changed a lot”
“He was nice when we met him”
“But didn’t turn out nice”
But if you have a friend like Rakesh
I’m just telling you
Take care of him
Because you don’t know this
But you’re also somebody’s Rakesh
Right now
plans are being made
To which you’re not invited
That’s why you have to come
To comedy shows!
Yeah!
Here’s the thing
Just because you have bad friends
We have careers
No, at best…
The best people in your life
Are the ones you’re here with
And even them
You're like
“Glad we don’t have to talk for an hour!”
“We’ve paid this comedian”
“Let him talk”
I don’t know why
People are so proud of
Not meeting people
They’re like “People?”
“Noooo”
“PUPPY”
“Mwaah”
“He never breaks my heart”
I’m not like them
I meet people.
I do this thing
a lot
It’s a process I have
I work out of a café or a bar
or a coffee shop
I open my laptop
And I put headphones on
And I don’t listen to music
Yeah
Because the conversation
On the next table
Is always more interesting
You like it
But you see their plate
“That looks better!”
Then you call the waiter and ask
“What’s that?”
“Get one of that please”
“Get us everything in their life”
I told you
I’m very unsatisfied
Even when I’m dating someone
I’ll look at another couple
With very good chemistry and say
“You know…”
“We should have what they have”
She says
“If you say that again”
“You won’t even have what you have”
So anyway
One day I’m sitting there
“Working”
And there’s a couple next to me
Arguing
At one point
I get very annoyed
And say
“Excuse me”
“Can you please be louder?”
He’s like
“W..what?”
“I’m sorry but…”
“We’re having a private conversation”
“Yeah so I won’t tell anyone”
“I’m sorry. We’d
 really like it”
“If you left us alone”
“Would appreciate your co-operation”
HOW
RUDE!
Am I right?
People reveal their upbringing
with such bad behaviour
My upbringing isn’t like that
I’ve been taught to give love
“Son, give love”
“What if they don’t want it?”
“Still give!”
So I do that
When I’m leaving
I pack up my things
Walk up to them properly
and I'm like
“Hey friend!”
“Kunal, right?”
“I remember”
“Nice meeting you, man!”
“Let’s meet over the weekend”
“Lemme know whenever you’re free”
Then he gets up and says
“What’s the matter with you?”
“We’re not talking to you”
I said “Oh trust me”
“You were”
By the way
Even I think it’s too early
For you to have a baby
You should focus on
your marriage first
And then she got up and said
“Yeah
that’s exactly what I’m telling him”
She’s become a good friend of mine
And now we’re having a baby
You never know!
Anything can happen
But I like girls
Because they’re good to talk to
I’m not gonna go
To a table full of men
Because I’ve been a part of that table
And I know what’s happening there
It’s a boring table!
They’re not even each other’s first choice
And there’s stupid conversation
“So, how you?”
“Good. You?”
“Good”
“Good then”
“Yeah I just said that!”
I don’t wanna do this!
It’s fun when girls are meeting up
When there’s a gang of girls getting together
They actually look forward to
Seeing each other
They actually wanna talk
Guys don’t meet like that
They’re just like
“Dude, where?”
“Here”
“Stay there”
“Coming”
Even they don’t wanna
talk to each other
Why should I?
It sounds like I’m generalizing
So I’ll just talk to someone
What’s your name?
From the audience: “Kudrat”
Kudrat, tell me
wherever I’m wrong
Because this is based on hard research
At the cost of my self-respect
Kudrat, who’s the girl you’re closest to?
“My best friend, Deepa”
Your best friend Deepa. Right.
So when Kudrat and Deepa meet
On a Saturday evening
That meeting hasn’t just happened
It has taken build-up
It has happened
Because last Saturday
At midnight
Kudrat messaged Deepa
“Hey”
“I have so much to tell you”
And Deepa wanted to listen!
You think this guy will ever text
This guy and say
“Bro, I have so much to tell you”
“Why??”
“I don’t wanna listen to your shit”
“Actually, I wanted to share feelings”
“So get a bloody dog”
She uploads a picture online
Deepa is the first one to comment
“Hottie”
He puts up a picture his friend will be like
“You’ve put on weight. Do something.”
I love how women show love to each other
(Sometimes it’s fake)
But I like how much love they show each other
“Baby take care of yourself.”
“It’s a long journey but you’ll be okay”
“I’ll see you in office tomorrow”
But we don’t.
I wish we did that
I love my guy friends!
The best thing and the worst thing about them
Is that beyond a point
We don’t care about each other
But sometimes it’d be nice no?
But we don’t coz we’re like
“I’ve built this big chest”
“Can’t show emotion now”
I was in Bombay the last time I came
I was staying with a friend
He was a great host
He treated me very well
And while leaving
I felt the need to do
Something cute for him
So I left him a thank you note
Under his pillow
And I went back to Delhi
When you do something cute
You expect something back
But for three days
There was no call
No message
Nothing!
In fact a third friend called me
“Dude, what have you done to Saurabh?”
“What do you mean?”
“He said you wrote him a poem”
Poem?
This is how badly we communicate
When a thank you note
Feels like a poem!
All I had written was
“Hey Saurabh. Thank you so much”
“For being a great host”
“If you ever come to Delhi”
“Please let me know.”
“See you soon”
That’s it
He lost it!
I hadn’t written anything like
“Under your pillow…”
“…are all the things we never said”
