 
SELF HELP FOR SELF HARM

SELF HELP FOR SELF HARM

Hopefully this will be of some help for people who self-harm or feel worthless.

Any money I make from this e-book will be donated to 'Childline' (tel: 0800 1111).

I don't care about making money – that's not why I'm writing this.

I saw a news article on BBC Breakfast this morning, saying that 1 in 12 young people now regularly 'Self-Harm', that it's on the increase and mental health charities are very concerned with the rise of it.

I'm 42. I'm just an ordinary man, certainly no different from anyone else you'd walk past in the street. When I was younger I used to self-harm. People who haven't done it haven't got a clue have they? They want you to stop doing it, stop hurting yourself, they think its attention seeking (as if that was such a bad thing), more than anything the people who love you won't know what to do and they'll feel totally helpless.

I watched that News article and the girl who told her story and I wanted to be able to say things to her. Like what I would say to myself all those years ago when I felt utterly worthless and I suppose in a kind of controlled despair.

If you are only gonna read one page of this, I want you to know this...

"YOU ARE NOT ALONE"

I really want to be able to smile at you, hug you, and say from the bottom of my heart

"I understand what you're going through. You're not alone"

You may be expecting me to tell you to "Stop cutting yourself" or "Be Happy". I'm not.

The feelings you have at this moment are very real and you have every right to feel them. But I want to tell you – they're only feelings, very real feelings, but they'll pass.

Someone very wise once said "All things will pass". There's nothing truer ever been said. You'll feel happy one moment, it'll pass, the next moment sad – that too will pass. Everything is so fleeting.

Right now you feel like all you have is this pain which is basically like torture. You feel mentally tortured so you physically 'torture' yourself. I know this is true because that's how I felt.

Back then I probably couldn't have put it into words. I think that was part of the problem – I wasn't very articulate and I didn't think anyone was listening anyway. I felt very alone in my misery.

I was a care worker at the time – about twenty years old, looking after people with learning disabilities. I tell you, those lot have got the life, they've got more freedom than us. Anyways, it was quite a stressful job and I didn't have a girlfriend and I felt very alone and I suppose un-loved. I didn't feel like it would matter if I lived or died.

I can't remember the first time it happened and I don't want anyone reading this to feel like I'm glamorising it. I'm not. It's not some rite of passage or something you have to do, like the way all these celebrities seem to have had an eating disorder that they can talk about when they've got a book coming out. If you are reading this and haven't self-harmed please don't. I'm serious. It doesn't 'solve' anything. It just makes you feel temporarily better but doesn't solve any underlying problem. It doesn't. I know this now because it was something I used to do but now don't. It was like a chapter in my life which has now past.

I don't know if I want to re-visit it or be so open to complete strangers but you are more important than any discomfort I may feel. Jesus, if only one person read this and felt better about themselves I would be happy. It would have meant something. Because you are 'worth' something. You've got no idea how wonderful you are.

You're reading this and maybe right now you feel alright, maybe you feel wretched. I know I used to. I'm going to say it again...

"YOU ARE NOT ALONE"

"THESE FEELINGS WILL PASS."

Something goes wrong. It always does doesn't it? Nothing ever stays right – there's always something comes along to spoil our fun and enjoyment of life. Our 'Peace of Mind' is broken. Feels like everything's turned to shit.

I used to feel like I couldn't calm down, like a spring that's been wound too tight. I needed a 'release'. I can't describe it any other way – I needed a 'release'.

And when it got late at night when everyone else was asleep that's when I would do it.

I never done myself serious damage – my chest hasn't any scars on it that you can easily see. I couldn't do my arms in case anyone at work would see. I would use a swiss army knife or pencil sharpener blades and it started out at first I suppose fairly tentative until at the end I became almost quite creative and would cut the word 'SCUM' into my chest. That was how I felt at the time. Worthless scum.

The feeling after doing it – I can't describe it – seeing the blood made me feel happy. Later on, when it was healing and scabbing over, I would feel it pulling every now and again and I would think – you 'deserve' to feel this, to feel this pain. This is what you are.

I can talk about it now but I can't understand it much. Why I did it. The look of terror on my Mam and Dads' faces, and later, when I finally got a girlfriend – the worry I must have caused them. This is written as much for them people as for you. To see someone you love going through something like this must be hell. Anyway, I was given an ultimatum – stop cutting yourself or we're splitting up, which is a big incentive. I was supposed to go to the doctor and get counselling to stop doing it. There was no way I was talking to a doctor – I didn't want it written down somewhere that I was having these sort of problems. Employers can sometimes check whether you've ever had 'mental health' problems and I think that's why so much of this goes unnoticed until there's a hospital admission. People don't mind talking about arthritis or earache or anything 'physical' but anything 'in the mind' is something we just don't feel we can talk about. There is such a stigma attached to it which is terrible considering the times we live in, when we need to be able to talk more about this stuff.

The world right now has become so impersonal. Even though we've got all these so called friends on 'facebook' we've got no-one we can talk to. Really talk to about the important stuff that matters in our lives.

I'm sorry there. I got side-tracked. I was supposed to go to the doctor, I didn't want to talk to a doctor so I stopped. I made her a promise and I stuck to it. What they don't tell you -being in a relationship is just a stressful as being single – you're always fucking up in some way, but when I did make a mistake I didn't have what I used to have i.e. cutting myself to make me feel 'better'. I actually felt quiet resentment that she had took away my 'thing'. The one thing that would make me feel better when nothing else would. It was such a strange thing because I felt it was like my 'me-time'.

Anyway, life goes on and now here we are 20 years later and I'm still not cutting myself. Life's not without its ups or downs as you'll read later but I've come to know myself better and feel happier than I have in a long time.

Because I stopped all those years ago, do you think I feel like I've been missing out on something for years? Do you miss the stabilisers on a bike once you've learnt how to ride it? They're no longer needed.

So what are you saying instead of just waffling on? Get to the point! Give some advice or something...

This is what I would have told myself back then if I had a time machine and could do that sort of thing.

1. You feel bad. There's nothing wrong with 'feeling' bad, worth-less etc. It's just a feeling. It feels real because it is real. You won't feel like this the rest of your life. I know it feels like that right now but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don't be afraid to feel bad or try to move away from it. See your pain as if you're watching yourself and hearing what you say from inside your head. Don't think 'anything' about your thoughts. Just accept them as your thoughts right now.

2. If you really want to cut yourself I won't stop you. I can't stop you. You know why? Because this is the one thing in your life that you have control of. Nobody else has control of this. BUT know that there is something causing these bad feelings. For me, there was something missing – a person to love. For you it will be different. What is it you're feeling? Write it down on a piece of paper why you feel like you do right now. Be totally honest with yourself. Seal it up and put it in an envelope somewhere safe. You're going to give it to yourself in 5 years' time.

I'm not saying counselling doesn't work. I finally had some anger management counselling a short while ago, which I'll go into later. For some people it's very helpful, but for some people going over and over what's upsetting them keeps them 'stuck' in that time. Write yourself a letter and date it 5 years from now.

You will read it later in your life and I guarantee you'll be amazed at your thoughts and feelings from 'back then'. You'll think "Why was I so hard on myself? Why did I find it so hard to like myself?" Those problems that seemed so huge are now so small and insignificant. You'll laugh at what you were like. How you let them get to you.

By all means keep a diary if you want but don't go over things all the time – your mind will fuck you up. Your thoughts can be very destructive.

3. I would tell myself "Listen to 'Eckhart Tolle' on YouTube giving a lecture called 'Bringing Stillness into Everyday Life'. It's life-changing.

I know you're young and this is heavy but if you can stay awake and hear all of it, it will help you. It changed my life.

The things he says about living in the present moment rather than dwelling on the past or dreaming of the future is the most truthful thing you'll ever hear. The present moment – 'The Now' is the only thing you have. The man's a legend. Look him up.

Whatever life throws at you – and it will. Don't think just 'cos you get older that things get easier or less worries. The only thing that's better about being older is a bit better ability to cope. Yes, life can be shit. I got a parking ticket yesterday after being out in the rain all day working – I wasn't happy, but I didn't come home and cut myself. It didn't matter quite so much as it once would. What I'm saying is "life is life" It is what it is. Accept it with all its wrongs and injustices and sour moments and also all its happy and fun times when they finally come along.

I would really like to say to teenagers and especially to young women...

You are at a very stressful time in your life. I know you'd think having a mortgage and bills would be more stressful but it's not.

Right now there's hormones shooting around, you don't know who you are in the world or what you're gonna be or do with your life. You want acceptance from your peers and to be seen as attractive, witty and smart – it's so bloody confusing.

There's things around now which weren't around when I was your age – the internet (with its constant emails, endless updates, the threat of viruses and online grooming by paedophiles), mobile phones constantly demanding our attention 24-7. Personally, I've stopped instantly responding to texts – I don't need the stress. If I'm with someone, at that present time, they are the most important thing in the world, not every stupid bleeping text message. Have you noticed we've got hardly any quiet time anymore? Time to just relax and do nothing except be ourselves. We need to reclaim our lives and with it our sanity.

The next thing I'm angry about is these women's magazines like "Now" and "Closer" to name a couple. You pay money and they tell you what you should and shouldn't be doing.

In my opinion I think they have 'made' women and especially young girls worry about stuff they shouldn't worry about – there's so much stress on women these days – it's almost impossible to just 'be yourself'. Shaving under your arms, fake tan disasters, turkey neck etc. No-one had heard of 'bingo wings' twenty years ago – now you've got one more thing to worry and feel bad about. I hate them magazines for what they've done to you and yet you still buy them so you're not the one who isn't in the 'know'. Get rid of 'em.

4. Another thing I would tell myself. Don't try to be 'nice' and be liked all the time. You make life very hard on yourself when you want to please other people all the time.

I think a lot of my problems had to do with how I was brought up. I had and still do luckily have the best Mam and Dad in the world. I'm lucky to have a Dad in my life. So many young people don't. They're there for the conception and nothing else. Their loss. They'll never get to celebrate you growing up. They are the ones missing out not you. You don't need pathetic people in your life. Spend time doing what you want to do with the people you want to do it with. You don't 'need' a Dad who can't be bothered to put the time in.

Anyway, like I say, I think some of the problems I had when I was growing up stemmed from being brought up to be 'nice'. In a perfect world that would be good. Not in this shitty world. You show any sign of being 'nice' or just wanting to be liked and they'll have you. You'll get criticised, judged, ridiculed, bullied for it. I know I was. One of my early memories was of being hoisted on the railings at Flint Hill Primary School – I couldn't get down because the spikes were inside my coat, so I was hanging there like a school-kid Jesus. Bullies – Absolute scum the lot of 'em.

BUT, THIS IS IMPORTANT - I don't feel like a victim now. I think we should try not to dwell on thoughts like "I was bullied, I'm a victim". Don't be bitter about whatever happened. Move on. Don't become a self-fulfilling prophesy. It was a chapter in your life. No more.

But going back to 'being nice'. I really do think wanting to be liked was why I started hating myself. Thinking why doesn't such and such like me etc. What can I do or change in order to be liked. These people who are critical and nasty don't give a shit. They're sleeping soundly in their beds while you're lying awake crying your heart out.

I don't know any of your circumstances but I would say to you "Don't let them bring you down". None of them are worth it.

Sometimes people are nasty because they're not happy themselves or they're trying to make themselves look better by making you look bad or foolish. Don't let 'em. Fuck 'em.

Don't be afraid to be yourself. You're going through a stressful time in your life (probably the most stressful) but try to look for happiness as much as you can. Any films or music that can give you a laugh. Laughter is so important in life. Try to do fun things with people you like as much as you can.

I had counselling for Anger Management a little while back. I was going through really bad anxiety and was angry at everything all the time. Nothing was going right for me and despite what I said about counselling earlier, I went to the doctor to ask about anger management techniques I could use to calm me down.

I know what you're probably thinking "Why should I listen to you when you've still got problems? – you sound like you haven't even got yourself in order". If you were thinking that... good for you! Don't just accept what people say without question. Often ask yourself – Why is this person telling me this? What's in it for them? Have they got my best interests at heart?

I've got to tell you about this Anger Management counselling because it's very much to do with what I'm telling you about.

I'm sorry to be focussing so much on myself, but unless you know what's happened to me in my life, there's no way you would listen to what I'm saying and believe me.

I can't just tell you – "Do this, do that", all I can say is "This is my truth. I'm telling it to you because I sincerely hope it can help you to make sense of what's happening in your life right now."

My problems basically were just lying under the surface – I would get angry all the time – ready to explode at any minute and I believe that it was my thoughts that were doing this. (I took on too much trying to fix a friends computer which had crashed and other stuff. That's the problem people don't tell you. Once you show anyone you can do something, there's a tendency to get 'put upon' by others or even to volunteer to do things which are just too difficult, because you're so eager to be 'liked'. You want to appear calm but in reality you're like a Swan on the water – you look graceful but you're paddling like crazy).

The counsellor I had I didn't think was great or maybe he secretly was. I thought "Give me some advice that I can follow". He would give me a questionnaire or ask me to stop and think about what was worrying me when I got anxious. He made me frustrated. To be honest I think even he got bored of hearing me going on about things. I actually sickened myself with my whining about how nothing went right etc. I don't know what caused me to feel much better inside – whether it was his subconscious techniques or later watching Eckhart Tolle on YouTube that did it. But I did.

He told me to be conscious of my breathing, take deep breaths – use your breathing to calm you down. Can you feel that? – You're breathing. It's always there but you forget about it. It carries on regardless. Also, he told me about "The Worry Tree". Being a gardener I thought it must have been something I'd planted by accident, but it wasn't!

Basically, you're feeling anxious or stressed. Become aware of it as it happens and ask yourself –

What's making me anxious?

Is there anything I can do about it right now?

Is there anything I can do about it later?

If there's nothing can be done at all, don't worry about it 'cos there's nothing can be done about it.

It's on the internet – "The Worry Tree". Check it out.

Truth be told, it's not bad for getting control of yourself. Most of the time it's multiple things one on top of the other (like weighing you down) and individually they're not that important at all. It's not that I'm just here telling you – "you're feeling bad, don't cut yourself though". What I want to say more than anything is – Really focus your attention on what's causing these feelings. If there's nothing can be done about them – accept them for what they are – feelings which will pass. If there's something can be done about them – that's what I want you to do more than anything. Take action against whatever is making you upset. What I want more than anything is for you to find out what's making you upset and deal with it so you can move on. There's so much to enjoy of life. Honestly. It is a beautiful world, nature especially. People – not so much. Well maybe some!

Incidentally, if you find there isn't anything can be done to change your life can I give some tips which I have found helpful? By the way, I can't believe you're still reading this – I'll be handing out the medals at the end!

A. If you are ever given the choice of indoors or outdoors – choose outdoors. The world is so much better outside.

B. I can't tell you how important exercise is. It boosts you up, helps you sleep better, tones your body and gives you feelings of well-being.

It can be, in the case of walking or jogging a little bit of me-time that we all need away from all the noise and bustle.

Running in particular is very good for thinking over the day you've just had and how you'll do things differently tomorrow. Also you'll get to experience nature or just be 'at one' with yourself. Find somewhere you like to go to like a park or something – somewhere special.

C. This is something I read about in the paper which I thought was rubbish until I started doing it... SMILE MORE.

"What? I'm feeling miserable and you're telling me to go around smiling!" – I can almost hear you swearing at me. Try it for 2 weeks. I'm not saying "smile like a Cheshire cat" all day. Just every time you remember – half smile to yourself. It works. It really works. Yes, outside its still raining, you're still waiting in the queue etc. etc. but that little smile – it changes things. It fools the brain into feeling happy. I know it sounds like you're

'brain-washing' yourself, because you are. You're making yourself 'feel happy' for your own benefit. Not for anyone else but you.

I still remember once in Newcastle many years ago, I wasn't depressed or anything. I'm sure when I think back it was one of those days where you kind of feel 'grey' – do you know what I mean? Not sad but not particularly happy, I was just walking around in a world of my own and a teenage girl was walking towards me and gave me the most beautiful smile I have ever seen. I was just minding my own business and it was like... What was that for? Where did that come from? It was wonderful! Maybe I should have caught up with her and asked her, but I didn't. Some things should be left a mystery.

You know what? Her smile was so radiant and genuine it made me smile for ages after that. How wonderful. Why am I telling you this?

There is no one who needs a smile more than someone who hasn't one to give.

When you smile at someone you multiply happiness.

Look, when you're young you feel almost an enjoyment in being 'sad'. I know I did and sometimes still do. I'll stick on Cathedral 'Forest of Equilibrium' album or Striborg or something like that and I get a certain pleasure from melancholy. But only for so long. I enjoy periods of listening to doom metal and it sorta cheers me up – does that make sense? I don't think we should be happy all day every day. There's no way we could be. We need a balance. When I was younger the balance wasn't right. What about you? Do you 'want' to be happier? Try this smile technique for 2 weeks. The odd half smile to yourself or to someone else is a joy, and it costs nowt.

More than anything I would say to younger people – be nicer to each other. Stop criticising and judging each other so much. Stop with labelling everything. If you see someone else who looks like they need a smile or a hug – give them one.

We're on earth such a short space of time and you know, we are so insignificant – go out on a clear night and look up at the stars and you'll know what I mean. The world will always have its ups and downs, good days and bad days. Bad things happen to everyone – good can come out of that. Believe me.

It's autumn now as I'm writing this. I start getting a bit down usually this time of year. The shorter daylight hours more than anything. It's the feeling that the summer's all over for another year for me. It's sad. (And there's that thing called S.A.D. – Seasonal Affected Disorder. If you find you're getting depressed this time of year more than any other, look into getting one of them 'light boxes' it could help you. They get prescribed by doctors – it's that important. In Finland they have so much darkness in the winter that people kill themselves. They've got one of the highest suicide rates in the world).

Why did I want to talk about autumn? Just remembered. With everything there's a

'Flip-Side'. I read a very insightful book called just that, by Adam J. Jackson.

All those leaves – those lovely autumn colours. They're full of toxins, did you know that?

Trees can't move around like an animal, so when they come to something they don't like – maybe in the ground or in the air there's nothing they can do about it. It just gets absorbed. They've got to keep this toxin to themselves until autumn comes. Finally the badness in them can be released, and it comes out with all the beautiful colours. The leaves are shed and then they break down and form compost which nourishes the tree.

Can you see how similar we are to those trees? All the shit we have to put up with in our lives, it's like poison. I'm asking you to get rid of it – shed it like those trees. Don't let it fester inside and spoil everything.

Because I'm a gardener you're getting plenty of tree similes. Because I really love trees. Birds too. They go together very well. There's something very 'true' about trees and birds – there's nothing fake about them.

I've felled my fair share of trees and unsafe branches. The thing is the trees that fall down in storms are always the rigid ones like 'Ash'. Huge branches break off because they've got no flexibility. The most flexible trees like 'Willow' and 'Aspen' hardly ever blow down – they just bend with the wind. Nothing gets to them. Don't be so hard on yourself or rigid – bend in the wind like them trees. Don't let stuff break you. See it as something that makes you stronger. Refuse to feel bitter about what's happening or happened in the past.

Think about this.

I remember when I was young and lonely, it was such a strange thing. All I wanted was someone to love but the more you search for it the further away it seems – it eludes you. It's like a butterfly that you chase after and can't catch and then when you stop running or looking, it comes to you when you're least expecting it. It sounds crazy but it's true.

I'll give you a little tip. Don't try too hard. If you meet someone you like – keep a bit of mystery to yourself. Don't give too much of yourself away too soon or appear too 'needy'.

Enjoy yourself and know that you'll always remember this moment. It's a very special time in your life. Don't be like those idiots who give themselves away after a few drinks. You're worth more than that. Don't ever let someone pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. I mean it. If someone was worthy of your love they wouldn't put you in that situation. It would feel natural.

If you're looking for love or some meaning in your life, you could do a lot worse than doing a course or night class at college or some class of something you want to do. You'll meet similar like-minded people to yourself. Learning and doing new stuff can be very enjoyable.

Do something – get out there. Do your own thing – whether it's taking pictures of trees or making the perfect omelette. Enjoy yourself. Do it for you.

There's something else I need to tell you.

When I was younger I got into Animal Rights and looking back I think it was an obsession.

I somehow thought (like that song "My Friend of Misery" by Metallica) that the weight of the world should be on my shoulders. Why wasn't everyone else up in arms about the injustice in the world? I wonder if I would have listened then if someone had said "Don't try to solve everything – you can't. Do what you can do with your life – make informed choices. Later on there may be things you can do to make the world a better place, but right now be happy to do a little".

Would I have listened? Maybe I would have been red in the face shouting "But this... and this... it's not right!" The truth is the world has a lot of problems. We can only do our own little bit to help. Please don't let the weight of the world be on your shoulders. It's too heavy for anyone to carry.

The only other thing I'd like to say is that music can be an incredible thing for lifting our spirits. My lovely girlfriend Wendy taught me that. Keep a file on your mp3 player or phone for music that makes you feel happy. 'Pencil full of lead' by Paolo Nutini, 'I got Life' by Nina Simone, stuff like that. Make up your own soundtrack – it's just for you.

We spend so much of our time worrying about things. Things which in 10 years' time won't matter one jot. Think of the people in your life whose opinion of you you think matters. In 5 years they probably won't be in your life any more so who cares what they think. The people who'll remain around you are the ones who really matter.

Live in the present moment as much as possible – stop worrying about the past or the future so much – it's either gone or not yet happened. The only thing that is real is right now – the 'present' moment.

I hope more than anything that you can move on to a better place and see that the world and your life especially has so much going for it. You create it with your actions.

I hope that one day you too will be able to say "Yes, when I was younger I did self-harm.

I needed it at the time to cope with my life situation. But I found out what was making me miserable and I took steps to 'fix' things. I did it for me. It's a chapter in my life that's now over".

Thank you so much for reading this.

You are worth so much more than you think you are right now.

I hope you can see that one day soon.

Steve

Before we begin again I'd just like to remind you about 'Childline' (0800 1111) which is a free and confidential helpline for children and young people. You can ring them any time day or night. If you need advice or just need someone to talk to, there will always be someone there for you. If you're living anywhere else in the world have a look in the front of a phone book or go on the internet - there will be a free phone number you can ring for a similar helpline. Please, don't ever feel that you're alone in the world - no matter what problem you have or how bad you feel - there is always someone there to listen.

MORE SELF HELP FOR SELF HARM

After I wrote my first book I began 'advertising' it on 'Youtube' by going on self harm, bullying, depression videos and leaving messages to say it was "free to download and it might help" in the hope that young people would read it and stop self harming.

What can I say? Firstly, I don't think it did help. It didn't have distraction techniques in and also no techniques for calming yourself when agitated, which is one of the most important things you can learn. Secondly, I noticed on Youtube young people - very young people almost glamorising their scars and showing them off as if they were museum exhibits.

I started questioning whether it was a 'serious' problem anymore or whether people, especially young kids were hearing about it and jumping on the 'self harm bandwagon' for attention. The last thing I would have wanted all those years ago is to have anyone see what I had done to myself... but here was kids almost trying to out-do each other with who could cut deepest, who had the most scars etc.

It left me feeling quite disturbed and I even wondered about removing my book from Amazon in case I was somehow a part of the problem by high-lighting it.

If you haven't been on Youtube and looked at Self harm videos I would probably recommend avoiding it. Yes, there are a lot of people like 'idranktheseawater', 'laura lejeune', 'selfharmadvice' who I would say are on Youtube to help others, but there's a lot of people glorifying in it all which I never expected to find. The problem is that people who are too young haven't got a 'filter' in them that makes them question things or look beyond the surface, so they're watching these videos and thinking it's normal. But really the problem is the internet itself - 'power without responsibility' I've heard it called. With my book being offered free to download (where anyone could read it) could I be encouraging people to cut themselves? The other problem was that if someone was only going to read one self help book and mine was the first one they read, would it be any help to them? I found it all deeply troubling and didn't know what to do.

Well, a short while later I discovered a couple of reviews on Amazon from people who said it had really helped them and then I happened upon a video called 'Real Cutters Vs "Fake" Cutters" by Mafiascreation in which she made the very valid point that you have to have something 'wrong' with you in order to self harm. It's not something a happy well balanced person would do - it's a sign of discontent, unhappiness, agitation, self hate - she said this more or less and I completely agree with her. Even if it was an attention seeking device or you were doing it to fit in with friends at school, it's still an un-natural thing to do and goes against everything your brain is telling your body.

For the first time I felt a responsibility to put 'out there' something which would really help someone going through a low point in their lives, with real distractions and ways to calm yourself when you get agitated.

My sincerest wish is that by the end of reading it you will decide not just to put all self harm behind you, but will also take positive steps to become a happier person as well. You deserve to be happy.

Are you 'READY' for change?

It's funny how when we're young we get loads of encouragement and support, then when we get a bit older and it all stops. All the fun seems to get sucked out of life and we get criticised, judged and put down all the time... and then the worst bully of all starts up - the voice inside your head.

If someone else said or did the things we do to ourselves we would call it abuse, and yet we do it to ourselves and we think we somehow 'deserve' it.

Would you believe me if I told you that it is your own thoughts which are the cause of all your misery? I can hear you saying "No, no, that's not true - it was what he did... what she said... 'they' are the cause of my suffering, not me!". "If only this or that hadn't happened, I would have been happy..." - do you really believe that?

Why we need pain and suffering in our lives...

When I had my anger management counselling a while ago, I got taught something called 'Cognitive Behaviour Therapy', or CBT for short. It might not mean anything to you but it should - it's the 'key' you need to free yourself from your self-defeating thoughts and behaviour.

See, something is always going to go 'wrong' in our lives - you know that don't you? It's a part of life, but it's also the 'making' of us.

If I could wave a magic wand and take away whatever pain or sadness is in your life at this moment I wouldn't.

I know that sounds harsh, and probably if you were sitting here with me telling me what's happening in your life, what's causing you to self harm I wouldn't want you to suffer.

But I think without a certain amount of pain or bad experiences we wouldn't develop as a person. Do I think that you should cause additional pain to yourself on top of what you're already feeling? No, I don't. Life's hard enough without complicating things further.

Yes, it's true - 'Self Harm' is exactly that - no one else is being harmed but yourself, but doing it to yourself is useless. It solves nothing. Yes, you'll get temporary relief but that's all.

Look, I guarantee if you stopped cutting yourself (or whatever else you're doing) today, in a years' time you wouldn't say to me "Hey, I've missed out on a full years' pleasure because of you". You wouldn't feel like you've missed out because you wouldn't miss it. You didn't 'need' it in your life before and you don't 'need' it now.

You might want to have a notebook and pen handy whilst you read this book to make notes - ideas that come to you, distraction techniques and what-not. I must apologise if I keep repeating myself - if it's important I'll keep banging on about it!

Why should I stop Self Harming?

Go get a pen and paper and write down two lists -

WHY I WANT TO STOP HARMING MYSELF.

and

WHY I WANT TO CONTINUE.

Go on, do it now. I don't want you to just read this book and not take part.

Be honest with yourself - no-one else needs to see it except you.

This won't work if you don't work!

Right, let's get back to your lists - 'Why I want to stop harming myself' and 'Why I want to Continue' - have you written them out? Good.

I'm guessing you've got a lot written down in the first list and not much written in the second.

What reason did you give for continuing to self harm?

Maybe - "It gives me temporary pleasure and relief".

It's not got a lot going for it, has it?

But similar to most addictions once you start it is very hard to stop.

Saying "It gives temporary pleasure and relief" may not sound a big deal, but it's hard sometimes to think of anything else to do except self harm isn't it?

It's worked before - you're anxious or tormented, you cut yourself - you feel calm.

You're unhappy, you cut yourself - you feel calm.

You don't even have a reason, you cut yourself - you feel calm.

What's happening to make us feel like this?

I have been on many forums and spoke to people on YouTube and something I have heard a lot is "I've tried to stop self harming, I was doing well for months, then I went and cut myself..."

Maybe I'm being critical, but I believe that we are in control of our actions more than we think we are.

I don't think anyone can truly say that "I somehow ended up cutting myself" like it was some action we just slipped into by accident. I think it takes a lot of willpower to deliberately harm yourself. Of course, it gets easier the more you do it, and you need more to achieve the same outcome, but it's not something you do 'by chance' \- during the day whatever has happened, or you 'perceive' has happened to you, has begun to fester in your brain, and the odd bad thought has gone from a trickling stream, to a river, to unstoppable waves - and you feel like you can't stop the painful thoughts from coming.

Can you see that it's your thoughts that lead you to self harm?

It isn't really what happens to you at all - it's how you 'view' what's happened to you that makes all the difference.

It's as if your life is a silent film and you're putting your own narration in to describe what's happening, and you know what? - we can be wrong in our thinking. When you repeatedly have negative thoughts it's like you're digging a shallow trench each time, and over time it gets deeper and deeper and then sometimes even the tiniest thing can cause us to 'slip' into the trench and you can't pull yourself out or see any hope. I think this is what happens with depression - you fall down a slippery slope and find it really hard to dig yourself out when you realise how far you've sunk.

I went through a long time of feeling like 'here's the world - everyone knows what it's all about and are sorted, and here's me looking in from the outside almost like I felt 'alien' to my own species. Sounds crazy but that's how I felt. I wish I'd known 'then' what I 'know' now. You don't have to go through years of feeling miserable before you can be happy - before you 'deserve' to be happy. What's stopping you is your own mind.

Put your list somewhere safe, you may need to refer to it at a later date when you feel like harming yourself and it's a good thing to have written down (in a calm, logical way) your reasons for wanting to stop self harming.

Monitoring your Thoughts & Feelings in a Notebook

As soon as you feel yourself getting 'down' make notes to yourself -

1. Where am I? Who's with me?

2. What was I thinking about?

3. How did I feel at the time?

4. Why do I think I felt that way?

5. Could I be wrong? - how could someone else see it?

This is a very important habit to get into and forms the basis of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy.

Basically, the thoughts in your head cause the emotions which happen in your body. Emotions and feelings are basically where your mind 'meets' your body.

But, then your emotions can also influence your thoughts and vice versa.

So, say you feel sad, you have sad thoughts, which then make you feel even sadder.

SOMETHING HAPPENS = LEADS TO THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS = FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS = MORE THOUGHTS = MORE EMOTIONS.

This is one of the most important things you will ever learn -

"It doesn't matter 'What' happens to you in your life - it's how you 'See' it or 'Think' about it that matters - your interpretation of events that make it Good or Bad"

So much that happens to us in our lives happens to us just in our heads. Our view of things - and sometimes we can be wrong, especially if we're already in a 'negative' mood, where your emotions will influence your thoughts.

Do you have days where you find yourself feeling low, anxious, depressed?

Do you ever question what caused those feelings?

Start making notes (a mood/emotion diary) about how you feel, not just when you feel sad. When you're happy, silly, joyful, curious - whatever mood or emotion you are feeling, start jotting them down when you remember. You will start to see patterns emerging - things leading up to feeling depressed, but also good patterns - things to try to do more of to cheer yourself up. Here's an example...

BREAK THE CYCLE OF SELF PITY!

Freds' best friend hasn't rung....

"They said they'd ring... I don't think they like me anymore!"

"I'll never have any friends... I must be a freak!"

How to Break the cycle of Self Pity

1. Question your thoughts - What reason could there be for them not ringing?

2. Stop 'over generalising or using absolutes' - 'NOBODY' likes me, I'll 'NEVER' have any friends, I 'MUST' be a freak! Nip this in the bud - it's stupid and not true.

3. Think things through - "Well, they normally ring me - so they must enjoy

talking to me....", "I've got a friend in 'History' class - so I do 'have' friends" "So what if I haven't got LOADS of friends!" "Why don't I give them a ring? - they always ring me"

4. Don't just start feeling sorry for yourself... start really 'tuning' in to your

moods - it's up to you to notice you're going down the road to self pity and THINK yourself out of it!

(By the way - you know the 'road to Self Pity' don't you? - you take a left off 'Depression Highway'... if you get to 'Anxiety falls' you've gone too far! Haha!!)

NEGATIVE THOUGHTS + SMILING = NOT SO BAD

Every time you find yourself starting to have negative thoughts I want you to smile. This will be hard to do and might feel 'false' to you, but keep at it.

No matter what negative emotion you're having, a smile takes the edge off it.

It is a very powerful tool.

Catching negative thoughts before they take off is almost like becoming aware of an intruder in your house.

In the past you would have been scared of the unknown but your awareness, and not taking things too seriously, is the equivalent of shouting down the stairs "I know you're there and I'm not frightened of you. You can hang about for a bit but eventually you'll have to leave. I'm the boss in here - not you".

Can you see? It's not even a problem if negative thoughts come along. Once you become aware of them and see them for what they are - 'just negative thoughts' they can't do you any harm. Have a smile to yourself... you're having negative thoughts - Big Deal!

You might be saying "But I feel worthless, I've got nothing to look forward to, nobody likes me..." If you've been talking like that to yourself for a while you're going to have to distract yourself more than you can possibly imagine.

What I want you to do is get into the habit of having a smile to yourself whenever you remember. Honestly, this is still something I do regularly, especially when I feel stressed or anxious. I've been smiling a lot recently as I've just started a new job (I finally gave up gardening, after 8 up and down years self employed, to become a print assistant. Like they say on all those programmes - I'm out of my comfort zone! - having to learn a whole load of stuff, finding my way around, meeting new people etc and you know what helps the most? - Smiling. When you smile you feel more friendly, people respond to you better and you feel more confident.

It's one of the simplest things in the world which costs nothing and changes everything. If you do nothing else (from this book) in your life other than smile more and focus on your breathing during different times of the day you will change your life for the better. I guarantee it. But only if you do it!

I've got some ideas to distract you which I'll tell you about later or you'll think of some of your own I'm sure.

"Shit in = Shit out"

Have a look at your diet and everything that is going into your body on a day to day basis? Is it good for me? Don't just think of your diet - think of music, tv, friends gossiping, other stupid bullshit. You can change things in your life. Even simple things like refusing to be a slave to 'facebook' - make the decision to only go on it every few days.

Just start off small - I noticed I had hardly any fruit in my diet so I bought a big bag of them 'Braeburn' apples and started having a couple for my dinner every day. Then I added a handful of mixed unsalted nuts (walnuts, brazil, almonds, hazlenuts) and raisins as well, and continued like that for a bit. Honestly, if you don't eat much fruit and nuts try doing this for one week - you'll be hooked!

It's easier to 'make' something into a habit than to 'break' a habit you've already got. So if you can start a good habit in the place where the old bad habit is you should be able to slowly force it out, leaving only the habit you want in your life.

Take small steps - only try to change one thing at a time, and write it down in detail - so instead of saying "I'm going to exercise every day" change it to "I'll go swimming on a Monday and Thursday at 5 o' clock". The more you do it the more of a habit it will become. Read the article "Is it True that if you do anything for 3 weeks it becomes a Habit?" on 'HowStuffWorks.com' for more details.

Say you have a lack of motivation but you need to tidy your room.

Don't wait to feel motivated. Split it into smaller parts and just do it.

Action leads to motivation.

One of the biggest things which has helped me has been doing 'Mindfulness Meditation' - really practicing it. Basically, being aware of my breathing at different times of the day, and also putting some time aside to practice at certain times.

I know this might sound stupid but I want you to 'send' loving feelings to your body. No matter what you have done to it, it sets to work rebuilding itself, healing itself. It never gives up on trying to heal you

.

I know it sounds all 'new-age' sending loving thoughts to yourself, but learning to like myself and being glad to be alive changed me in a way that couldn't be seen.

I used to always 'need' something to feel happy - my next smoke, my next drink, my next new gadget that I was going to buy that would transform my life...

Something profound happened to me just from doing these few things -

* Drinking more water.

* Being aware of my breathing at different times of the day.

* Eating Apples, nuts and raisins for my dinner.

What I want to say to you is - "All these things we think we 'need' in our lives... we don't need 'em. It's little simple things which we need in our lives - we need to simplify our lives. I know some of you might be thinking "Water? Why drink water when they've invented 'Coke'? Water tastes like shit!" Believe me, if you were really really thirsty and I gave you the choice of water or 'coca-cola' you'd want water - your body wants what it needs, not what we've been brain-washed to want. If it needs to be 'advertised' you probably don't 'need' it, you just 'want' it - give this some thought.

Have things going into your body and mind which are healthy, thought provoking, calming, refreshing and good.

Make a conscious effort to replace the 'junk' with the 'wholesome' and notice the difference in your life.

Self Sabotage

You cannot do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome.

You're gonna start noticing patterns emerging - maybe different times or events that lead up to feeling that you want to self harm.

You have to change things. I can't tell you what you have to do, you have to work it out yourself.

How many people try to help us and we just don't listen or push them away.

Maybe stop here for a moment and think about your life? Do you sabotage yourself or deliberately do things which push people away or cause yourself misery? Make a few notes if you think of anything.

This is very important - you may be thinking "I'll just have one area where I cut myself - I'll just do it there" and nowhere else. Almost like a smoker who thinks he can just have 'one in the morning' and won't get hooked... You can't. It's all or nothing. You've gotta put any ideas like that out your head.

This isn't just about stopping you from causing yourself harm - because to be honest, there's any number of things you can do to do that. It's about completely changing your mind-set.

This will feel strange at first as you've probably put yourself down for a long time, but I want you to change from thinking "I hate my life, I hate myself" to "There's stuff happening in my life I'm not happy about and here I am in the middle of it all... things around me might not be okay, but I am 'okay' - I'm not a bad person, I'm trying my best - I don't NEED to punish myself when things go wrong".

That's alot to say to yourself! Right, what did you think when you read that? Were you saying things like "It's alright saying that but what about when this happens... or this... everything's a mess!! I hate it!! I hate my fucking life!!"

Don't think just because you're young and I'm like a 'dinosaur' in your eyes that I haven't felt the same way you feel. In some ways it's almost something we have to go through - the 'Sick of it All' phase I'd call it.

They reckon the things you learn in the schoolyard teach you everything you'll ever need to know about life. Have you heard that? Things will always happen in life that you feel you can't handle, or where you feel unable to cope. That's just the way it is.

Here's some advice (but in reality you don't need it) -

Somethings happened - I don't know what to do...will self harm give me the answer?

First off, is there anyone you can ask for help or advice like a friend, parent or a teacher? This has to be someone you can really trust, not some gobshite who'll tell everyone all your problems and have you a laughing stock. If you can't think of anyone what about trying that new website 'mindfull.org' that's just started - they might be able to help.

What would (a person who you admire or respect) say/think/do in this situation? This could be anyone from 'Bruce Dickinson'( Iron Maiden) to David Dickinson (Antiques dealer) - whoever you respect - imagine them in the same situation you're in and work out what they would do.

What was the first thing you felt like doing? - often your 'gut' instinct is the best.

Are you still unsure? Go off and do something completely different or 'sleep on it' - your subconscious mind will start working out what to do for you and the 'right thing' will come to you as if by magic!

There's something else I'd like to run through with you, which you need to do, which will hopefully prevent you from harming...

Curiosity Vs. Depression

What would win?

When were you last curious about something? - maybe some film based on actual events, going on the internet to find out... the new Quentin Tarantino film, the first country to have bank notes, do whales sleep, could crop circles be made by aliens, what are cricket balls made from...?

Have you noticed when you're curious about something you forget about everything except the thing you're wondering about.

I read somewhere (definitely a recent book) that you can't be 'depressed' AND 'curious' at the same time. See? You want to know more... and curiosity is always way more interesting than depression, which to be honest, hasn't got much going for it.

So, if you ever find yourself getting 'down' have a notebook stuffed full of notes of what you're curious about... save them for times when you really need them to pull you out of depression.

READ THIS WHEN YOU'RE IN A HIGHLY AGITATED STATE

Something's happened. Yet again someone has said something or done something that's pissed you off. Here's what you've gotta do....

I guess right now you're in a highly agitated state, which is exactly how I am as I'm writing this. Someone's said something... this is how I find it usually starts. Somebody says something, not so much doing things, it's always what somebody says that sparks me off. It's like lighting a touchpaper.... and then "BANG!"

What makes people think they can say the things they say? The way people talk to each other... just like complete and utter bastards. People don't realise how much their words hurt. So, something's been said to you and it's upset you and sparked off loads of different thoughts - "they think this", "this is what they think of me", "I shouldn't have said that", "I've been disrespected"....

You have all these thoughts in your head and you'll start getting more and more agitated - this is what happens to me, but I know how to handle it now, whereas in the past I didn't.

Firstly, everyone's got a right to there own opinion. What they've said they might have been 'wrong' to say it, but they've still got a 'right' to say it. If they wanna say them things they're perfectly entitled to. You've probably said things in your life which you shouldn't, which have hurt people - I know I have. We all do. We all say things that hurt or are nasty - and we can't even stop ourselves, can we?

So, first off - Don't take it too bad somebody saying what they've said.

Are they saying whatever they're saying to be 'constructive' or trying (in their own way) to help you?

Sometimes people who love us or care for us, try to help us out by giving us advice or suggestions - which never 'sounds' loving or caring to our ears.

If they're not being constructive - are they drunk, tired or irritable and maybe not personally 'meaning' it, but it's just slipped out? Are they a person who often drops a clanger like this, but who the vast majority of the time are really nice people?

I want you to ask yourselves these questions - go through them one by one...

Are they being constructive? Can you see any reason why they would say that to you?

Are they saying it and they're not themselves?

Next up, Is the person saying it just to be nasty? They can see that you're alright, maybe happy at the moment and they're not - this happens so much - someone is really not happy about their situation and they see someone who is happy or doing alright in their lives and it upsets them, it bugs them and they think - "Right you, I'll wipe the smile off your face!" and they do... they actually get away with it. We allow them to bring us down.

Now, once you've asked yourself all them questions you might be starting to feel a little more calm. Next thing I want you to do is start breathing.

Now I know you already 'are' breathing, or else you'd be dead! But make yourself aware of it. Feel the breath going into your lungs - starting through your nose, into your lungs and then exhaling out through your mouth. Don't try and slow it down or anything - just become completely aware of it. In - Inhale, Out - Exhale.

Feel your chest rising and falling... can you feel that? Do that about ten times before reading anymore.

Now, I'm hoping you're starting to feel a bit better. I feel for you, for whatever's been said or done to you. The things that get said and done in this world... why are we so nasty to each other? I really do think most people if they could only have a limit of say 50 words a day, the words that they would say would be so much nicer - they wouldn't be so horrible.

Yeah - limit everyone to 50 words a day - after that they have to pay 20p per word or something like that. That would shut them up!

Do you not think it's a strange thing that words 'cut you'... do you ever think that? That words physically feel like they're cutting into you and then you don't know how to cope with it or handle it, and then later on in your room you cut yourself, can you see how that happens?

Has what they've said made me feel 'defensive' because it's kinda true?

That I am a bit of a waste of space and lazy, well if not lazy, maybe unfocussed in what I'm doing? Maybe the timing of what's been said might be 'wrong' but what they've said was 'right'.

Do I respect the person who said it?

If the person that's said it - if you didn't respect, like or love that person there's no way it could harm you. If a stranger came along the street and said to you whatever's been said you'd probably say "So what", "What's it to you?" But because it's someone who's opinion matters, well, yeah it hurts doesn't it?

If you think there's some truth in what they've said - what you gonna do about it?

Try to see the 'bigger picture'. Imagine events had been filmed from different viewpoints and give the other people who are 'taking part in your life story' a voice, so to speak.

How would the audience view things? Would they see your side but agree with other people, that your reaction is out of context with what's happened?

Here's a bit of an example from my own life...

There was a young lady who I worked with at a restaurant a long long time ago - she was a waitress and I was a kitchen porter (basically I washed pans, plates, cutlery and cleaned up). I used to give her a lift home most nights and sometimes also the chef who lived on the way.

Well, whenever I spent time with her I loved it. Strike that - I loved 'her'. She was one of those women who to know her was to love her, do you know what I mean? I was absolutely smitten. I used to plan every single song that would 'accidentally' be on the tape that got popped in the player on the journey home. Funny how you remember things like that...

I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date and she said she couldn't because she already had a boyfriend.

I took this on the chin fairly well, until about a week or two later she started going out with the chef who had been flirting with her loads. All of a sudden this 'boyfriend' she had, or maybe who didn't even exist had been ditched and she's going out with him.

Now, it's not really what happens to you, but how you see it has happened to you that sends your thoughts and emotions spinning.

I thought "She never really liked me - she was only being friendly because I was giving her a lift home. She wouldn't leave her boyfriend for me but she did for him. I'm a joke. They're rubbing my nose in it - showing off how happy they are together..." and so it went on and on.

I was turned down and I felt rejected, and because I had had no luck on dates I suppose I started to think that I was unlovable - a freak, a creep - whatever you want to call it. My thoughts causing insecurity.

I was so desperate to find 'love' you've got no idea - I'd chat up women in record shops etc give them my phone number and wait for them to call, and of course, they didn't. Then I'd see them the next week and I'd say "Did you lose my number - you didn't ring?" and they'd say "I'm sorry I can't go out with you - my boyfriend wouldn't be happy".... boyfriend... what boyfriend? First I've heard of it.

(This is basically called letting you down gently - you're just not the one they're looking for). SATC. had an episode called "he's just not that into you" - that's basically what it is.

Anyway, back to the story...

So, it's New Year Eve - I finish a particularly busy shift and the boss very kindly gives me a bottle of wine for all my hard work. I come around the corner to see if 'they' need a lift - there they are together in this 'Snug' part of the bar all cuddling and happy and telling me they're going to just stay here and 'sleep over' (the restaurant has rooms available).

Can you guess what happened next? (Thinking back you know, they were both lovely people - they never wanted to hurt anyone, especially me - and their relationship didn't even last).

Anyway, I drove home with a lot of thoughts going on in my head.

I started drinking as soon as I got home (that bottle of wine) and I sat alone thinking about what a failure I was, what a joke, how no-one loved me (is any of this familiar to you? Your thoughts coming in a constant stream)

And I drank myself drunk (which became a regular habit) and my Mam's shouting up the stairs "Your Aunty Syl's wanting to wish you a Happy New Year Steven"... "Fuck off! "I feel myself getting more and more angry and I'm stumbling around, shouting, swearing, crying - I can't remember. But I slammed my fist into the wall and afterwards there was nothing but a sense of calm and dull throbbing pain and numbness coming from my fist.

I had finally calmed down.

I don't know how any of this starts. I'm not a psychiatrist who can predict who'll self harm or be an anxious person or a depressive type. Something happens in our lives which causes unhappiness, insecurity develops and a feeling of isolation sets in. I don't know how any of us come to the conclusion that self harm is the answer to the problems in our lives.

You've probably had loads of instances the same as this story, or, I should say "You will". There's always things going to happen which will upset you or cause you distress. Occasions where you know you're being stupid but you can't seem to help yourself from feeling a certain way.

There is gonna be a whole load of painful things happening in your life - just thought I'd let you know, BUT, there's gonna be some wonderful things also \- really happy, joyful times to look forward to. There's nothing you can do about painful things which are going to happen to you except deal with them as best you can. But dealing with them using self harm won't solve any of your problems - it just 'deadens the pain' and then later reminds you (when you see what you've done) of how much of a fuck-up you are.

I wouldn't want any of you to become like robots who can't experience pain or normal emotions. Later on I'm going to be suggesting meditation and distraction techniques to you because I believe we need these things in our lives - at stressful times but also as a way of 'normalising' ourselves. It isn't to avoid painful emotions but to break bad habits which have developed in our lives.

I would like you to imagine a life without harming.

Are you worried when you think about it? Do you think you'll be a happier person without it? Maybe it's something you've wanted to do for years.

Maybe, like smokers who are trying to give up, you might be saying "I can't give up just now - I'm under too much stress". Have you heard that?

But do smokers have more 'stressful' lives than other people? No.

Is it a natural thing to breathe in smoke? No.

Why doesn't everyone smoke to help them cope with the stress in their lives?

Because, in exactly the same was as self harm, you don't need it to cope with stress. It actually causes more stress. Have a good think about what I'm saying here - see the similarities between smoking, drinking, drugs and self harm. There is no better time than now to give up. Because there'll always be some stress in your life. Now's as good a time as any. I wish I was more capable with words to get across what I mean, because I can see it all clearly but I can't describe it to you... we don't need it in our lives we only think we do. We're so much more stronger and self disciplined than we think we are, and we think we're alone in our problems when in reality we're not.

No matter what is happening in your life, somewhere in the world pretty much exactly the same thing is happening to someone else. Take comfort in that, talk to someone - please don't bottle things up inside.

Here are some of the Techniques I'd like you to do.

Damage Limitation.

Don't have any of the implements you normally use to self harm in your room or other areas (toilet etc) - you may be tempted and I don't want that to happen.

Prevention.

Do things in your life which are positive or make you feel happier - see later...

General Low Mood.

Distract yourself when negative thoughts pop up - have a list of things to do to distract yourself - don't dwell on these thoughts or give them the time of day.

Extreme Urges.

When severe depressive thoughts appear and distraction isn't working, start following your breathing and feeling where your sadness is showing itself in your body e.g. the pit of your stomach. Don't move away from it, just tune into the physical emotion in your body and breath through it. Accept that this is how you feel right now - a dark cloud has passed over but the sky will soon clear. Feel your pain slowly dissolving. Keep practicing this - it becomes easier with practice.

The Jenga Tower of Wellbeing!

You may find you're not enjoying your life as much as you used to... what's going on?

Things used to be so much more fun! Well, you've probably still got the usual responsibilities you need to do in your life but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy yourself anymore...

I'd like you to think of your life and personal wellbeing as being made up of several parts - like a 'Jenga' tower. Things like having fun things to do, friends to socialise with, support from loved ones, all make up the blocks of your 'wellbeing' tower.

A couple of parts getting skipped in your life won't be noticed too much, but when too many pieces are missing the tower starts to wobble and can come crashing down.

(SWIMMING ON TUESDAY)

(CINEMA WITH FRIENDS) (HEALTHY FOOD)

(MY BOOKS) (GOING DOWN THE PARK)

(SLEEP)

You might not notice straight away, but missing out on your sleep, not exercising and eating junk food will eventually start to affect your life also - making you feel lethargic and not bothered to do anything. You'll spend your free time slouched on the settee watching crap tv and wondering why you've got no energy to do anything anymore.

But it doesn't have to be this way...

I would like you to write down all the things that make your life 'worth living'.

Things you may have done in the past that you've let slide - friends you used to see but have lost touch with, who you used to have a laugh with, hobbies that gave you pleasure. Make a list of favourite albums that cheer you up, things like fish and chips down the coast, little treats which you might enjoy. All the things that make you smile.

I hope you thought of lots of things. Now that you have your list start working out how you can incorporate them into your life. Can you get rid of something which no longer gives you pleasure and put something from your new list in it's place? Say, instead of watching TV in the morning, listening to some music instead?

It's your life... and you can choose how you fill it.

Make some notes now!

"Because you're worth it!" - Cheryl Cole

(Smart girl wor Cheryl!)

P.S.

If you can't think of much to do can I make a suggestion?

Buy a digital camera - it doesn't have to be expensive - you can get a fairly good one fairly cheap these days. Go out and take pictures. This is so good for you - getting out and about, seeing things and just 'being' in the moment. Maybe get a metro day ticket, knock up some sandwiches and go see as many different places as you can through the day.

Take pictures and videos and maybe do a slideshow using a program like 'Windows Live Movie Maker' or something similar off CNET downloads, which you can download for free.

Put your own soundtrack to it and make your first film!

Depression/Bipolar/Highs and Lows - Meditation before Medication

Everyone wants to be happy eh? Course we do!

Most of the time you may feel alright - almost on a 'high' but then... oh God - the 'comedown'. Wendy used to say to me \- "You're laughing now, but I don't wanna be there when you come crashing down" and it's true - when I'm happy - I'm ecstatically happy, but then it always seems to be followed by a low.

I used to think it was some sort of chemical imbalance or nutritional deficiency leading to 'see-saw' mood swings. I'm not so sure anymore since I discovered Meditation.

Many people may go to the Doctor and be given mood altering drugs. Maybe I shouldn't say this but I'm entitled to my opinion... I don't think those drugs are good at all. I would say explore every other avenue before going down the medication route. Because once you're on drugs for this, then you'll be given drugs for that, then this one to counter-act that one - it's never ending.

I know you're probably thinking "It's alright saying analyse your thoughts, sort out your diet, start exercising... what about when you feel so down and flat that you can barely lift your head off the pillow or even think of a reason to get up out of bed?"

I know medication may seem the only solution to your problems, but PLEASE read this book called 'Mindfulness: FINDING PEACE IN A FRANTIC WORLD' by Mark Williams and Danny Penman or the book that inspired it - 'FULL CATASTROPHE LIVING' by Jon Kabat Zinn and practice the meditation techniques. It has been proved that an 8 week course in 'Mindfulness meditation is at least, if not more, effective as the drugs prescribed by Doctors for depression. Don't just take my word for it - look it up on the internet. It's been thoroughly researched with brain scans, heart monitors etc and of course, asking people if they feel calmer and less anxious.

I got the book after Christmas and started practicing it at least once daily. Believe me - it says on the cover that it's 'life changing' - and it is. These are two of the most important books you will EVER read.

Honestly, if I was a millionaire I would give copies of these books away to people for free.

They should be read by anyone who feels depressed, anxious, angry or just wants a calmer life. I think teenagers especially should read them and practice mindfulness meditation.

In fact, meditation has been incorporated into the syllabus in many schools around exam time - it's that good for calming people who are stressed.

I have uploaded the meditation tracks from the 'Mindfulness' book onto YouTube. Just type in 'Mindfulness Tracks' (my username is 'stevieboytheMt1') - all eight of them are there. Work your way through them each week - you have to practice... without practice they're useless!

If you have problems type in my username, click 'Uploads' and you'll find them all there as well as some of my film making attempts (pictures and videos off my camera set to music) - they're not to everyone's taste but I do them mainly for my own pleasure.

Someone has uploaded the audio for 'Full Catastrophe Living' (which was the basis of the 'Mindfulness' book) but I find reading the book regularly to be the most beneficial. Ask at your local library for either of them, or save up to buy them. There is nothing, NOTHING as important as your mental health. THESE ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT BOOKS YOU WILL EVER READ. Completely life-changing.

'Perfect' is the enemy of the 'Good'

As you may have noticed, this book is all over the place - an editor could spend at least a few hours sorting it out... sadly - no editor, just me!

But I hope you'll keep reading and maybe turn to certain chapters when you need them possibly later in your life.

The only reason I'm writing this book is hopefully to spark something off in you - a change in your behaviour or to show you a technique that might help you when you get agitated or anxious. I'm not some fancy author and I'm sure some of the chapters at the end should be at the beginning \- have you noticed that?

But this is an important thing as well.

It's more important for me to just type it out and put it 'out there' than to worry about it not being perfect and not getting around to publish it at all.

I've spent alot of time trying to do things 'perfect' and it takes every bit of enjoyment out of it. Like when I started watercolour painting and I got good enough for people to start saying my pictures looked good. Then something happened in my head - instead of just painting and enjoying it, it became something to worry about - is it 'good enough'? People might not like it... it was no longer enjoyable.

I would really like to say to you - "Do things as good as you can - then just let them go". "Just do YOUR best - things don't have to be THE best" no matter what they say on x-factor and them 'talent' programs.

To be able to just do something you enjoy without the fear of failure hanging over you, or having to have things perfect all the time is a joy. It liberates you. This is the goal to strive for.

You may have already had this happen in your life - you do something quickly without thinking too much about it and it turns out perfect, then you try the same thing again, this time a bit more carefully, and you can't recreate it - something's been lost.

When it turned out 'perfect' maybe you were just 'in the moment' - not thinking of the past or the future or worrying about anything, or wanting things to be a certain way - and it turned out great.

Even when things go wrong sometimes it's good - like inventions like 'Penicillin' and 'Post-it notes' - they were both 'mistakes' when they happened. When something goes wrong in your life think about this -

"Two men looked out from prison bars. One saw the mud, the other saw stars" - Dale Carnegie

The Moment's Gone

You may have seen Harry Enfield doing his sketch 'Kevin the Teenager' a while back - it's hilarious! Just about everyone can relate to him. He spends all his time slouching around and shouting "So Unfair!" at his parents, teachers etc. If you've never seen him, go on YouTube and look it up. If you are a teenager, you've probably moaned "So Unfair..." yourself. Not being funny but when you get older you realise it still is! The problem isn't just the hormones shooting around. It's how much is expected of you all. I see young people around now and I think back to my childhood and I wonder if you're happy with what you've got in your lives.

When I was young I had a fair bit bullying at school which I didn't enjoy, but there was alot of happy times - going down the coast with my Mam and Dad, climbing on garage roofs, biffing around on my bike, I used to lie on the grass sometimes looking up at the clouds and I 'felt' something. The same 'thing' would happen if I was looking in rock pools by the sea. I never really knew what it was... what it was basically, were moments of complete 'mindfulness' - totally absorbed in what was happening around me. Like 'absorbing' it in. I never realised how truly wonderful it was, and I wonder how many young people get the chance to feel that way right now with all these distractions.

The biggest problem I believe young people face in today's society is being able to just sit or stand somewhere quietly with nothing going on (stuff like the internet, mp3 players, kindles, phones etc), it's gotten ridiculous, and it's happened gradually so you don't realise how much it's invaded our lives.

I did a months' work at the Royal Mail over Christmas sorting parcels and everyone had to hand in their phones during work hours - you've never seen anything like it, people were almost crying! Then when they got them back at break time it was none stop texting/ringing/bleeping... how did we ever 'sign up' to this? No matter where you are in the world you can be reached and disturbed. I know we need mobile phones occasionally but the way they intrude on everything - Bloody hell!! At the beach - bleep bleep, at the theatre - bleep bleep, in the country - bleep bleep bleep!!

I think that's why I like going to the cinema so much - so I can turn it off.

Can you imagine an inventer being on the cusp of an idea that will change the world and then... bleep bleep! What was I thinking again? Doh! Or what about Romeo and Juliet - "Romeo, Romeo, wherefor art thou Romeo?" bleep bleep!! Romeo's tweeting - 'OMG! Juliet's lookin hot 2nite! lol!' It doesn't seem to matter what we're doing - out comes them damn phones... first they were getting smaller, now they're getting bigger! Couples sitting opposite each other in restaurants with phones in front of their faces!! Okay, rant over. But do you see what I'm getting at? What we need now more than anything is to be able to stop and just 'be' where we are - totally

enjoy the moment. The lovely people we're with, the birds singing in the trees - it's a truly wonderful world and we're totally missing it all with these stupid gadgets.

Young people especially - be completely 'present' where you are... honestly, this is what you NEED in your life. You don't think you do but you do.

There's basically too much flowing into your brain and no time to think or interpret it. In a few years' time you might know what I mean.

Everything's reactionary these days, have you noticed? This happens - you comment, that happens - you comment. Instantly giving an opinion on 'twitter', 'YouTube', 'facebook' etc

We need things to drop into our minds (like a pebble in a lake)... letting it settle for a while before deciding what we make of it - whether we like it, hate it, not as good as it used to be... - do you know what I mean?

We need time to absorb what happens in our lives without all the interruptions.

The Multi-Coloured Swap Shop

When I was a young 'un there was a great program on the telly called 'The Multi-Coloured Swap Shop' with Noel Edmunds (that 'Deal or No Deal fella).

People would ring in with stuff they wanted rid of and they'd swap with someone else for something they wanted.

So you'd maybe have a fishing rod and you'd ring in and say I'll swap for a metal detector or a microscope... you get the idea!

I would like you to do the same kind of thing with things in your life.

SICK OF...

Sitting in the house, moping around listening to Radiohead (we've all done it!) feeling sorry for yourself.

SWAP WITH...

Get moving! Walk or run it off. Get outdoors if you can.

Don't allow yourself to sit feeling sorry for yourself. I'm not saying you can't have feelings or emotions - I don't want you to become emotionless and unable to feel 'bad' about life, but you cannot allow yourself to sit feeling sorry for yourself.

If it's late at night stick your music on (with headphones) - have a playlist that cheers you up. I've put some of my recommendations at the end of the book. Well, they're more for taking your mind off your problems than all being happy songs, but make your own list. You know what stuff makes you happy because as soon as you hear it you feel happy.

Always finish with a favourite uplifting song.

SICK OF...

Doing the same shit day in day out?

Always going to the same places, never doing anything exciting...

SWAP WITH...

Go to see a live band/concert/theatre/show - it doesn't matter exactly what it is - just do it! Seeing anything live is always an experience - amateur productions especially. These people put their heart and soul into their work and it really shows. Get permission off your parents if you're young. Maybe ask a friend (who you don't know too well) if they fancy it.

You might enjoy yourself and gain a special friend.

What Parents should tell you but don't

I have no idea who you are, where you're from or what's going on in your life. You may be really young, I keep trying to remind myself of this when I'm talking to you and realise I'm swearing. I'm hoping the problems you have are the usual 'growing pains' we all get. I don't mean this to belittle your problems - the problems you're facing in your life are very real and personal to you. Someone saying you shouldn't worry doesn't help at all. But what I mean is, there are things which happen to some people, sometimes young people, which are horrific.

I don't want to talk too much about things which you may find upsetting - gangs, child abuse/sex trafficking but I know that it happens in the world, and the people these abusers target are young. I pray you are not having to go through something like this in your life. If you're getting bullied or abused you're gonna feel like you are completely alone in the world. You may be in such a bad place that you feel that self harm is the only way you can cope with your situation.

Most people, even children, know deep down if something that is happening to them is 'wrong'. I've just watched a horrendous program about child sex trafficking gangs and the problems the police and victims face trying to put these gangs behind bars. Some of these kids were only 11 or 12 years old when they were targeted by gangs. When you're that age you're not going to know that these men who are showering you with compliments, gifts and buying you drinks haven't got your best interests at heart. If you take nothing else away from reading this book, PLEASE REMEMBER THIS...

IF SOMEONE IS OLDER THAN YOU AND IS OFFERING TO BUY YOU ALCOHOL, DOPE, SKUNK, KEBABS, CHIPS, GIVING YOU COMPLIMENTS WHEN YOU ARE SO MUCH YOUNGER THAN THEY ARE, OFFERING TO TAKE YOU OUT IN THEIR CAR - DO NOT TRUST THEM.

YOU MIGHT THINK THEY'RE BEING 'KIND' OR 'NICE' - THEY'RE NOT.

YOU MIGHT GET GIVEN THINGS BUT YOU WILL BE EXPECTED TO 'PAY' THEM BACK IN OTHER WAYS. I'M SAYING THIS ESPECIALLY TO YOUNG GIRLS/WOMEN - DO NOT FALL FOR THIS - THEY'RE USING YOU, AND WILL DESTROY YOUR LIFE.

THESE ARE VILE, DANGEROUS MEN (EVEN IF THEY SEEM CHARMING). PLEASE DON'T FALL VICTIM TO THESE GANGS.

I'm sorry I had to resort to 'Caps Lock' there but it needed saying. Parents aren't warning their kids of stuff like this, like if they don't mention it, it can't happen. Guess what? It can. Don't trust anyone. The full documentary was on 'Dispatches' on Channel 4. I wouldn't recommend watching it - it's just too abhorrent for words. Just trust me - things like this do happen, be safe out there and watch out for each other. Although the Justice system has many flaws the police still do an excellent job. You are not alone. Report abuse to the police. Ask yourself these questions if you find yourself in a situation that feels 'wrong'...

Does this 'feel' wrong to me? - listen to your gut feelings.

Why would someone tell me 'not to tell anyone'? - Fear, they know if you told someone they would be in trouble because they're doing wrong.

Why would someone threaten you? - To keep you in line.

Why is someone I hardly know, who is a few years older than me, wanting to be around me all the time? - They want something off you, probably sex, I'm sorry to say.

You know, when I was younger we had a policeman came to our school and showed us a video about being wary of strangers. Do they still do that in schools?

The reason I'm asking - I was a gardener and I used to often be in customers' gardens planting up borders and the amount of times young kids (6 years old upwards) would start talking to me \- you've got no idea. Even after them Soham murders... here's a one coming along now -

"What ya doing?" Ignore him and keep my head down, "What ya doing with them flowers?" Still ignoring him - firstly because I don't think it's good to encourage children to think of strangers as being 'nice' or 'okay' to talk to. Secondly, why would I want to be chatting away to an 8 year old kid. The thing that's the most scary is, if I said "Do you want to see an extra special flower... it's in my van (I don't have a van but you get the idea) I think some of these kids would go. After all those kids getting abducted or murdered - parents still don't drill it into them how dangerous it is to talk to strangers.

So, the persistant little bugger's still there - "What...what... why... why..."

I've had enough of this now -

"Look, you shouldn't talk to strangers unless your mam says it's okay, yeah?"

Kid runs off and I'm left wondering - has he ran off scared or upset by what I've said, will his Mam or Dad come around the corner any minute wanting to know who's upset little Tommy? You can't do right for doing wrong these days, and I wouldn't care, but I'm the one who looks nasty for not talking to him when in reality I'm doing the job his parents should be - warning him of strangers to keep him safe. They'd be the first to complain if their kid went missing! Y'know, I hate the fact the world's changed so much - I would love to just be friendly to kids but you can't - you can't rewind the clock back.

Anyway, sorry about that... what was I telling you that for?

Tips for Staying Safe when out and about in the World

Yeah, I don't want you feeling like the whole world's a dangerous place full of people out to do you harm. In reality it's a tiny percentage. But there's no harm in keeping your wits about you. Be wary of people you don't know too well. If you're out and about always keep some money on you - say, for getting home in a taxi. Before you get in the taxi check for the small plate on the back with the number on (which means it's a registered taxi). Keep your phone charged up with some credit on. Phone home to let your Mam know you're on your way, as you're doing this in the taxi, ask the driver how long it will take to get you there, then pass the message down the phone. This will stop your parents from worrying and shows you're responsible, but also it lets the driver know that someone's expecting you. It may seem a lot of hassle but you've gotta be in charge of your own safety.

Also, anything that seems dangerous, where someone could or is being hurt - ring the police. You can phone 999 for police, ambulance, fire brigade even if you have no credit on your phone - they're free to call for emergencies.

Here's an interesting little map of emergency numbers for different countries. You might be a bit older and clubbing it in 'Beefa' or 'Ayia Napa' and need to know this stuff if you have an emergency like falling off a moped and breaking your leg... you crazy kids!

Acceptance and Surrender

In this book and also my previous one I have focussed a lot on doing things - distraction techniques, the worry tree, questioning your thoughts - basically, do something about your situation if you're unhappy with it.

But what if there's nothing you can do?

Are we just supposed to accept that things are that way and put up with them?

Well, in the past I would have said "No, do something about your problems - action is required". But since I've been meditating and reading books by Jon Kabat Zinn and Eckhart Tolle I've realised that sometimes 'Acceptance' and 'surrendering' to your situation right now is a very powerful thing to do.

Right now you might feel 'sick of your life'.

Is that really such a bad thing?

You'll feel like no-one understands you - you can't make sense out of life. We've all been there - believe me! And it's not all bad - I don't know if I could have appreciated alot of the music I've listened to (and still listen to) if I hadn't felt so cheesed off and sick of life - I could never have felt so in-tune with a song like say 'Sterile Vision' by Neurosis if I hadn't felt so sick of my life and worthless. So what am I saying? Funnily enough - not all 'teenage angst' is bad - imagine it just like dark clouds that pass over - some days you'll have clear blue sky, sometimes small clouds, big clouds, fluffy clouds or dark ones. It's normal.

The one thing which is the worst I have found is, when I have felt 'down' in the past I've shut myself away from people - I don't want to bother people, almost like my sour mood could pass onto them like some virus.

I hadn't been in touch with my best friend for a few weeks because of feeling depressed (and didn't feel like socialising). Anyway, he rang me up and you know what he said? - "I didn't get in touch sooner 'cos I felt like shit". Everything had gone wrong in his life. I hadn't been there for him and vice-versa. We'd both shut ourselves off.

We both met up, neither of our situations had changed but we talked, had a laugh, and felt so much better for it.

I know you'll often feel like going in your 'cave of misery' but don't. Ring someone and share your problems. If a friend's not there for you during the bad times they're not much of a friend at all.

READ THIS IF YOU'RE ABOUT TO CUT YOURSELF

Alright, so distractions failed yeah?

I can almost hear you...

"I don't know why I'm bothering reading this - nobody knows how bad I feel right now. No matter what this idiot says I'm gonna harm myself anyway - nothing else will calm me down..."

I hear you, but just wait a minute.

I've been where you are right now - you're alone, maybe late at night in your room. My heart used to pound - too fast, I felt like I was hyper-ventilating, sometimes my hands would shake - nothing would calm me down.

Our problems are different and personal to each of us but the solution was the same - self harm.

You might be expecting me to try and calm you down - I can't do that - only you can do that, and only if you think you should. Do you think in the back of your mind that you're over reacting to whatever has happened to you recently?

START TAKING DEEP BREATHS

Your thoughts are the problem - they move over the landscape of your mind like dark clouds and all you can see is darkness and shadows - no light. It feels like right now a storm is coming...

But it's just thoughts. Everyone has negative thoughts. The problem is you're repeating them so much to yourself that they've become ingrained in your mind... an insecurity has developed.

CONTINUE BREATHING AND 'FEEL' THE PAIN INSIDE YOUR BODY

These insecurities are like the worst thing in the world 'cos the more you 'focus' on them the more you 'feel' them. What are the thoughts you're thinking right now? Lay them out on the table and let's have a look at them.

How do you think a child would feel if you said them things to them over and over - "You're a loser" "You're ugly" "You're worthless"

What would that child become?

Look at those stupid words and what they're doing to you - how they're making you feel. Do you think you somehow deserve to treat yourself badly because other people have done that to you? Have a think about this - it's important.

So, anyway, you might feel like someone's said something or done something and you've been hurt and you just wanna get drunk, cut yourself, or be nasty to someone else (who hasn't done anything wrong). PLEASE DON'T!

CAN YOU FEEL THAT PAIN IN YOUR BODY - MAYBE IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH?

Negative energy like this in your body is toxic - you can feel it doing you harm. None of them things are the solution - you know that.

ALL YOU MIGHT WANT TO DO IS HARM YOURSELF RIGHT NOW BUT KEEP BREATHING...

Imagine all this badness is like a block of ice inside you. Smile at it - it can't hurt you anymore. As you're breathing feel it melting. All the hate you were going to turn on yourself is dissolving, just like that ice - can you feel it trickling away?

THEM THOUGHTS WERE JUST DARK CLOUDS WHICH HAVE PASSED OVER TO REVEAL A CLEAR SKY

Keep practicing this until you have control over it.

CHECKLIST

1. Breathing.

2. Bring the thoughts out in the open. See them for what they are - 'Just

thoughts'.

3. Continue focussing on your breathing.

4. Imagine the badness you're feeling being like a cold hard block of ice.

5. Smile to yourself. Smile at your thoughts.

6. Continue breathing.

7. Feel your pain dissolving, melting away like a block of ice.

8. You're gonna be okay.

Curious George

To break yourself out of negative train of thought, have a think about things and get your mind working. Write down in a few sentences what you think at first, then do some research and make some more notes. Give a short conclusion at the end.

General Ponderings to get your mind working...

* Can Plants See, Hear or Feel?

* Are you more likely to gain employment if you've done voluntary work?

* Has cheap alcohol caused more crime and anti- social behaviour? (and if so what could be done about it)

* My previous book was downloaded in Italy, France, Germany, Japan, U.K

and U.S.A. No one downloaded it in South America/Brazil or Spain - Why?

How do those countries differ from the rest of the world, are they happier people or could it just be a coincidence? (Anyone who answered "Cos it's rubbish!" - Go sit at the back of the class!)

* Has the Governments 'Five a Day' Fruit & Veg campaign worked?

Has making it that we 'should' eat more fruit and vegetables feel more like an obligation, so we eat it just to be healthy rather than to enjoy it?

* If we were given an apple or a bunch of grapes as a treat when we were young rather than a bar of chocolate or sweets would fruit be something we ate more of and enjoyed more because we would see it as a treat. Is what we eat and enjoy just a form of conditioning? How come we have thousands of foods we can eat yet we limit ourselves to such a small amount which we eat day in day out?

* When I was a gardener I had to dig out plants like 'dandelions' every day which are classed as a 'weed'. No matter how much you try to remove them they still come back. Most of them have uses in herbal medicine - how many people in the world rely on herbal medicine rather than orthodox medicine? Give advantages for and against. Why would drug companies prefer you to take tablets instead of picking a plant, chopping it up and making an infusion with it (like making a cup of tea) to heal yourself?

* Are Humans more similar to herbivores or carnivores?

What do your findings mean?

* Give examples of creatures which are still around today which resemble dinosaurs. Why have they survived when the dinosaurs became extinct?

* How do Cranberries grow and what can they be used for?

* It has been said that the human body renews itself every seven years. Every atom and molecule in your body will have been replaced in that time with a new one. How do our memories stay stored in our brain or our habits (like riding a bike) remain within us, when everything has changed, broken down and been replaced?

Give this some thought.

* Imagine you have a shop that could only stock 50 items. What 50 things would you sell?

* Get a dictionary - pick a word and try to think of similar words to describe the same thing. Then look it up in a Thesaurus... like 'Joey' from 'Friends' when he used a Thesaurus on every word - "Full sized aortic pump...!" Hilarious!

Letting things grow and flourish

I can't let you go without a little mention of plants.

Firstly, if at all possible I would encourage you to have a plant on your window-sill where you can see it regularly - a geranium would be perfect. Here's why...

Having something to look after in your life, that you are responsible for, is a good thing for your wellbeing. People in hospital recover faster after operations if they have a plant in their room they can see and later take care of. Our connection with nature in some ways has been lost. Homes, offices, schools etc are totally devoid of anything natural. It may seem like such a small thing but I believe it makes a big difference. Buy yourself a Geranium and put it in a nice pot - they don't need much looking after, mainly just watering every few days and some light from the window. After a while maybe a bit of 'baby bio' if the leaves don't look as green as usual.

Plants are very good for drawing and painting - firstly they're beautiful and secondly they don't move around much! For anyone who gets anxious or can't settle it's a great distraction. You don't ever really 'see' something until you attempt to draw or paint it. You could sketch it with pencils, pastels, ink, watercolours - change the position of it for different angles. If you're mind's really churning around, going over things non-stop - FORCE YOURSELF to sit down, focus on your breathing as it enters and leaves your lungs... and start to draw. If you've got a problem with pencil sharpeners buy a nice mechanical pencil like the 'Rotring Tikky' - very cheap but excellent quality, as are the Rotring Art Pens. But it doesn't matter what you use or even how your drawing turns out - you don't want to be seeking perfection. The purpose is to be calmed and relaxed and 'snapped out' of depressive thoughts.

Completely focus on drawing and any other thoughts will quieten down. You need this little bit of time to work things out. Concentrate on the leaves, it's stems and leave your unconscious mind to work things out.

You don't have to dwell on negative thoughts. Pretty much the same as when you have a problem and when you stop thinking about it, the solution pops up. Put all these negative thoughts to one side, focus on the plant, later, solutions might come to you, or you'll realise you were worrying over nothing, or you'll decide just to accept the situation as it is... in the meantime you'll have a lovely picture!

Incidentally if you find you really enjoy doodling order this book from the library - 'One Zentangle a Day: A 6 week course in creative drawing for relaxation, inspiration and fun' by Beckah Krahula. I would also recommend trying out 'Mandalas' which can be printed out for free off the internet.

There is a wonderful Korean website which has been translated into English called 'Amind' which is fascinating. Here's the link - www.amind.co.kr/en

Well worth visiting. Lovely Mandalas to print, very interesting 'Colour Therapy' section and something called 'A Mind Tube' which has excellent videos.

Back to your Geranium...

After a while you may find it starting to grow too big. I want you to do something which is simple to do but a miracle - propogate cuttings.

Plants have an amazing ability to be able to clone themselves from a small section - a bit like you chopping off your finger and growing a whole new body from it (don't try this by the way - it doesn't work on humans!)

I know it sounds like a gimmick but it's not. The first time I did this it opened my mind to the wonders of life and nature - this is the only cutting I want you to be doing in your life!

You haven't lived till you've done some propogating!

What you'll need...

A Geranium with side branches coming from it.

A small plastic pot and a saucer.

Small bag of compost (or John Innes No.1 compost or similar). Small pots.

Here's how to do it...

Place the cutting in a pot of compost, water it, and put it on a window sill. Water every few days. When you start to see new growth the roots should have developed and it's growing. Every time your plant gets too big do again and give them to friends and family.

Do the technique with the clear jar for very delicate plants (it acts as a mini greenhouse). Geraniums won't need this stage and also don't need 'rooting powder' - the ripped off stem contains enough growth hormone.

There is always Hope

I have done a lot of self analysis on myself and I'm still left shaking my head. So much doesn't make sense.

But I do know some things.

Firstly, no matter how bad things are there is always hope.

When 'Pandora's box' was opened and everything flew out and was gone, the only thing that remained was 'hope'. Don't feel like because you've tried before to stop self harming that you'll fail again. There is always hope.

You don't have to go through months or years of misery before you can change your life. Do it now. Make the decision right now.

There are so many things in our lives that we think we just can't live without.... smokes, drink, over-eating, self harm. Guess what? We don't need 'em. We never did need them in order to be happy.

In fact, so much of life - the external stuff that happens to us only makes us feel 'happy' because we 'think' it does and we accept it in our lives right now.

In 10 years time it may not still make us happy - it was right for us at that time in our lives but not anymore.

I want you to feel that way about self harm. You needed it in your life at the time but you don't need it now. It doesn't change your situation in any way, if anything, self harm is a barrier to moving forward. You'll have trying times like I did, but you simply cannot give in. In time it gets easier and easier, trust me.

I don't know how else to say it - "You just don't need that shit in your life anymore."

Be clear about your Goal

Okay, so you've decided you want to change your life. You may have the fear of failure hanging over you... DON'T!

You've made a commitment to change and I'm so proud of you for making that decision.

You simply cannot have self harm in your life anymore. Seriously, put any ideas of "I'll give it a try... but I may go back to it" out of your mind.

You are more likely to change if you have the following in place:-

1. Dissatisfaction with your current situation.

2. Some ideas of what you can do to distract yourself when you get urges.

3. A vision of how you want your goal to be - what you want to achieve.

The clearer this vision the more chance you will have of achieving it.

So, here's all you really need to do to stop self harming...

DECIDE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY THAT YOU WANT TO STOP HARMING YOURSELF. FIND OUT WHAT DISTRACTION TECHNIQUES WORK FOR YOU. TAKE STEPS TO IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIFE. HAVE A CLEAR VISION OF HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THE FUTURE - THE PERSON 'YOU' WANT TO BE.

It sounds too simple. Because in some ways it is.

But it takes practice. You won't always feel like meditating or distracting yourself - you may actually have self pitying thoughts pop up and choose to follow them - because it's the easy route to take.

But it's only the 'easy way' at the moment because you've got into the habit. Once you've got into the habit of doing other things there'll be no room for self harm.

Some Very Important Books I would thoroughly recommend

'Mindfulness: a practical guide to FINDING PEACE IN A FRANTIC WORLD' by Mark Williams and Danny Penman

'Full Catastrophe Living' by Jon Kabat Zinn

Anyways, back to these two books... I can't recommend them highly enough. For anyone who has depression, anxiety or self harms they are absolutely essential. Get them out the library (or buy them) and work your way through them - they are very much 'workbooks' which require practice.

I would also like to recommend Eckhart Tolle's excellent book 'The Power of Now'. Every time I pick this book up something new seems to jump out at me. Although Eckhart is basically telling us to live mindfully in the present moment, his message is very honest and true and has helped me a great deal.

For people who love food and want to cook...

'The Use It All Cookbook' by Bish Muir (everyone should read this book)

Vegan Cookery by Eva Batt (really good simple cookbook)

'Vegetarian nosh for Students' by Joy May

Although I am recommending these books please don't feel like I'm wanting you to become vegan/vegetarian - I would say you're better off doing what you're already doing - eating meat, fish etc and just eating more vegetarian meals for health reasons. Honestly, don't give anything up in your life, just do more of something else. No labels = No Judgements. Simples.

Personal Development

'Skills for Success' by Stella Cottrell

'How to Get Things Done' by Ann Jackman

'The Way Things Work' by David Macauley

Good Websites

www.mindfull.org

bbc.co.uk/skillswise

www.guardian.co.uk

www.amind.co.kr/en

www.instructables.com

www.nationalgeographic.com

www.bbc.co.uk/schools/gcsebitesize

www.goodreads.com

www.rspb.org.uk

If you haven't got any hobbies I would thoroughly recommend 'Birdwatching'. It's cheap - you can do it anywhere in the world - city, country, farmland, coast... wherever you are there will be some birds there, and studying their habits and characteristics is incredibly fascinating.

Beautiful creatures to watch.

Drawing/Doodling/Painting/Creative

The Usborne book of Drawing, Doodling and Colouring

One Zentangle a Day - Beckah Krahula

The Chinese Brush Painting Sourcebook - Jane Dwight

The Creative Colouring Book - Joanna Webster (Buster Books)

101 Great Things to do with your Digital Camera - Simon Joinson

The Usborne BIG Colour by Numbers Book - Erica Harrison

I'd recommend using colouring pens like the Staedtler 'triplus' fineliner - excellent quality for hour after hour of colouring fun.

For quitting Smoking or Drinking

Easyway to Stop Smoking Both by Allen Carr

Easyway to Control Alcohol

I found these books gave me a better understanding of addictions and why we find cravings and urges so strong.

Conclusions and Final Words

Firstly my sincere thanks to you for reading this book. I wrote it for you. Even if you think the ideas it contains are stupid please persevere with them and at least give them a fair trial. Don't be like the impatient gardener constantly pulling out plants to check the roots are growing. Give things time to develop.

I don't know if you know that one of the ways to get a plant to grow is to give it loads of water then nothing for days, then more water, then deprive it more. The roots go in search of water when there is none and as a result become stronger with a more solid foundation and better able to withstand hard times when water is in short supply.

In much the same way, you could imagine our life experiences - some of them are pleasurable and enjoyable and we feel fulfilled but then sometimes we have painful experiences and we feel deeply unhappy.

But we need the bad experiences to make us stronger and to develop as a person.

I'm still not drinking alcohol and my life is better without it. I was at a party yesterday and I noticed how happy everyone was when they had had a couple of drinks, but then once they had more everything went downhill. I don't know if I'll ever be able to drink again like I used to. Maybe it's best if I don't.

The book wasn't just written for you. I suppose in some ways I have wrote it for myself. I have had a skin problem - eczema for years, which has been a kind of self harm for me which I've done for years. I've scratched myself till I'm sore and bleeding for years and I've enjoyed doing it. But I want to stop. Writing this book is me putting it in writing that I too want to change - I'm aware of it and I want to resist doing it the same way I packed in cutting all those years ago. I'm sorry to end the book like this, but my original book 'MORE SELF HELP FOR SELF HARM' wasn't truthful anymore. Yes, I packed in drinking and haven't looked back - my life is way better without alcohol, but my eczema never truly went away - I still have it on my feet and hands. I wish I could say I have myself all sorted and now all you have to do is the same, but life ain't like that. I'm still working on it!

I now have a different job which is going very well. I made some major changes to my life to become a happier person and I hope you too will make changes to your life - my heart goes out to you.

I'd also like to say - every now and again I feel like 'I know what life's all about' and then something happens and I realise - I don't know shit.

This book is just ideas and advice - take what you need from it and make up your own rules - you're the boss of YOU, no-one else.

I'm hoping you'll decide to change too. The pressures you have on you in your life right now will still be there, but you know deep down that they won't be solved by self harm. It's up to you to find ways to cope and distract yourself, and if things get too much, talk to someone. You will feel so much better for it.

I'd recommend not spending too much time indoors, alone, feeling sorry for yourself - that's the one thing I regret (although I haven't really got any regrets) - when there's just yourself for company you go 'internal' and spend way too much time thinking and analysing things - no good can come of it.

The scars you'll carry with you are very much who were at this time in your life. Bad things happened and this was your way of coping. But the sooner you stop the sooner you can move on with your life. You don't have to 'punish' yourself any longer.

Final Words

No matter what problem you have, please take comfort from the fact that someone else in the world has had a similar problem to yourself and has got through it.

Please don't ever feel like you're alone in the world because you're not.

There is always someone who can help you - The first step is realising you have a problem and need help with it. The second step is picking up the phone and ringing someone.

It will take a lot of courage, especially if you're fearful of what might happen.

If things won't get better by themselves, or after practicing these techniques, please seek advice from one of the organisations listed below. Anything you tell them is in the strictest confidence. Sometimes we cannot deal with things on our own and need skilled help.

ChildLine 0800 1111 www.childline.org

ChildLine is a confidential helpline for children and young people. Trained volunteers are on hand to provide advice and support, 24 hours a day.

Crimestoppers \- UK-wide 0800 555 111 www.crimestoppers-uk.org

Crimestoppers is a community service which helps prevent and solve crime across the UK.

National Debtline 0808 808 4000

Help for anyone in debt or concerned they may fall into debt.

National Domestic Violence Helpline 0808 2000 247

Run in partnership by Refuge and Women's Aid, providing safe accommodation for women experiencing domestic violence.

Message Home 0800 700 740 24 hours a day

Helpline for people who have left home or run away, enabling callers to send messages to their families or carers, to let them know you're alright.

Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 www.samaritans.org.uk

Confidential emotional support helpline for anyone in a crisis. 24 hours a day

POLICE, AMBULANCE, FIRE BRIGADE 999 24 hours a day

Free to call for any emergency even if you don't have credit on your mobile phone. If you feel yourself or someone else could get hurt - this is the number to ring!

Love and best wishes to you all,

Steve.

Recommended Reading to Keep you distracted!

'A house without books is like a room without windows'

\- George Smith (Alpha Papa)

Kara's Game - Gordon Stevens

Dawn of Empire - Sam Barone

The Lock Artist - Steve Hamilton

Primal Fear - William Diehl

Last Light - Alex Scarrow

Sole Survivor - Dean Koontz

The DaVinci Code - Dan Brown

The Treatment - Mo Hayder

The Hard Way - Lee Child

Genghis: Birth of an Empire - Conn Iggulden

The Silence of the Lambs - Thomas Harris

Fade - Kyle Mills

White Tiger - Aravind Adiga

Green River Rising - Tim Willocks

Live Fire \- Stephen Leather (or any in Dan 'Spider' Shepherd Series

The Brethren - John Grisham

Different Seasons - Stephen King

The Jester - James Patterson

Evening Class - Maeve Binchy

The Illustrated Man - Ray Bradbury

The Bronze Bow - Elizabeth George

Gowie Corby Plays Chicken - Gene Kemp

George Orwell - Nineteen Eighty Four

The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood - Howard Pyle

Jump into any of these that you can get a hold of at the library. Get a library card and ask the librarian if they'd recommend any good books to you. If you get anxious a lot the more people you talk to the better.

Being engrossed in a good book is the ultimate distraction!

Recommended Films to keep you Distracted

'Drive' (Ryan Gosling)

'Precious'

'District 9'

'American History X'

'Yojimbo'

'Enchanted'

Gladiator (Russell Crowe)

Despicable Me

Changing Lanes

As Good as it Gets

Pulp Fiction

Crash (Sandra Bullock)

Aliens in the Attic

Cabin in the Woods (2012 version)

Bowfinger

Children of Men

Diva

Austin Powers - International Man of Mystery

Jurassic Park

Pan's Labrynthe

Scarface

The Graduate

The Wicker Man (1970's version)

Die Hard 3

Hello Dolly

The Ruins (2008) (Some of this film could be seen as 'triggering' - only watch it if you feel okay to)

Jungle Book

Dirty Dancing

What Women Want

Django Unchained

Les Miserable (2012)

Schindler's List

Close encounters of the third kind

The Illusionist (Edward Norton)

Airplane (1980)

Saturday Night Fever

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The Family Man (Nicolas Cage)

The Jerk (1979)

Source Code (2011)

The Producers (1967 version)

Seven brides for seven brothers

Saw

Anchorman

Coming to America (Eddie Murphy)

Bad Taste (1987)

Stakeout

Wall-E

Arlington Road

The Thing (1982 version)

Shawshank Redemption

Casino Royale (Daniel Craig version)

Mr Vampire

Naked Gun

Dances with Wolves

The Impossible

This is Spinal Tap (Rockumentary)

All of me (Steve Martin)

Cats and Dogs

Frankie and Johnny (1991)

Blade Runner

Music to listen to 'Mindfully'

You can hear most of these songs on YouTube. I would recommend having a look at the lyrics first if you can and imagine how the song will sound before you hear it. What instruments do you think will be used? Will it be gentle or heavy, sung or screamed? How would you dance to it? (if you had to). The purpose of this isn't even to 'enjoy' the song but to 'experience' it - approach each of them with no baggage, be completely 'open' to what you are going to hear and to distract your mind from whatever is happening.

I'd recommend listening with headphones, with your eyes closed and no distractions. Enjoy...

John Miles - Music (was my first love)

Evanescence - Bring me to life

Olive - You're Not Alone

Black Box \- Ride on Time (Whoa! Whoa!! Whoa!!!) 1989 version

Oasis - The Masterplan

College (feat. Electric Youth) - Real Hero

Van Halen \- Why can't this be love?

Pink - Glitter in the Air

The Jam - Going Underground

Iron Maiden - Stranger in a Strange Land

Hello Dolly - Put on your Sunday Clothes!

Billy Joel - For the Longest Time

Let Loose \- Crazy for you!

Sinead o Connor - Scorn not his simplicity

Neurosis \- Lost

Bon Jovi \- Living on a Prayer

Arethra Franklin - I say a little prayer for you (original version)

DJ Rui da Silva - Touch me

Queens of the Stone Age - The Sky is Falling

Avril Lavigne - Happy Ending

Bjork - Bachlorette

Heart - All I wanna do is make love with you

Neurosis \- Stones from the Sky

Billy Preston & Syreeta - With you I'm born again

Scissor Sisters - I don't feel like dancing...

Queen - I want it all, Someone to love, One Vision, It's a hard life - get stuck in - great band, very uplifting!

Bellamy Brothers - Let your love flow

Metallica \- For Whom the Bell Tolls

Anne Murray - You needed me

Behemoth \- Kriegsphilosophie

The Seekers - Georgy Girl (excellent film too)

Bee Gees \- Music from Saturday Night Fever

Kelly Clarkson - Stronger

Neurosis \- Reasons to hide, Self taught infection (from humble beginnings the mighty Neurosis didst Arise!)

Ultravox \- Vienna

Zounds - Did he jump or was he pushed/The Unfree Child (these are very interesting thought provoking lyrics which are well worth studying and explore how social conditioning and upbringing shapes us. I don't relate to the parent parts - my parents have been more than any kid could ask for.

David Guetta feat. Sia - Titanium (PLAY LOUD!)

Peste Noire - Ballade Cuntre les Anemis de la France

Don McLean - Vincent

Suicidal Tendencies - Monopoly of Sorrow

Erasure - Respect

The Cranberries - Zombie

Dinosaur Jnr - Seemed like the thing to do, Get out of this...

Manuel and the music of the mountains - Rodrigo's Guitar Concerto de Aranjuez (1971)

Elton John & Kiki Dee - Don't go breaking my heart

Mudhoney \- If I think

Don Williams - Wicheta Lineman

Electric Wizard - Solarian 13, Son of Nothing

Andreas Johnson - Glorious

Ultra Nate - Free

(If there's any music you like on YouTube check out 'related artists' with high view counts for similar stuff... you know the score!

Dire Straits - Brothers in Arms

Nat King Cole - Nature Boy

Grandaddy \- He's simple, he's dumb, he's the pilot

The Hollies - Bus Stop

Shrinebuilder - Pyramid of the Moon

Sophie Ellis Bexter - If this ain't love? (why does it feel so good!)

The Wanted - I'm glad you came

Neurosis \- A Sun that never Sets (have a think about these lyrics)

Papa Roach - Between Angels and Insects

PPK - Resurrection (full 8.06 version)

Sepultura \- Lookaway

Cockney Rebel - Sebastian

Big Country - Father to a Son

The Stranglers - Golden Brown

College - TWA Flight 450

Cathedral \- Commiserating the Celebration

James Arthur - Impossible

Neurosis \- I can see you

Phantom of the Opera - That's all I ask of you

Barbara Streisand - Evergreen, The Love inside

Pink - Perfect (clean version on YouTube - there's no need for swearing that's what I say!) This song is so true. Listen to it anytime you feel down.

Pink is incredibly talented.

Sick of it All - Alone

Massive Attack - Unfinished Sympathy

Cat Stevens - The Boy with the moon and star on his head

Poison Idea - Alan's on Fire (read lyrics to this and why they got written)

The Righteous Brothers - Unchained Melody

Airport - The Motors

Metallica \- Mama said

Pet Shop Boys - Rent (An 80's revival is coming!)

Anaal Nathrakh - The Supreme Necrotic Audnance

Dexys Midnight Runners - C'mon Eileen!

JLS - One Shot

Everything but the Girl - Missing (Todd Terry mix)

ELO - Mr Blue Sky

Candlemass - At the Gallows End

Bobby Goldsboro - Summer the First time

Godflesh \- Bittersweet

Dusty Springfield - I only want to be with you

Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds (whole album)

Rhianna and Mikky Ekko - Stay

Striborg \- Looming black apparition

Minnie Riperton - Loving you

Barry Manilow - Could it be magic, All the time

Crass - Big A Little A

Testament \- First Strike is Deadly (The Legacy)

All4One - I Swear

Sash - Stay (old skool dance... crank it up!)

Justin Timberlake - Like I love you

Dinosaur \- Severed Lips

Tom Jones \- It's not unusual

The Mob - I wish

Visage - Fade to Grey

Youth of Today - Break down the walls

Guns 'n'Roses - November Rain

Eurythmics -There must be an Angel

The Source feat. Candi Station - You've got the love (original version)

Band Aid \- Feed the World

Kill the Thrill - 203 Barriers

Enya - Evening Falls

Abba - S.O.S.

Anthrax - Indians

Suzanne Vega - The queen and the soldier (the lyrics of this song are more than they at first seem...)

Debarge - Rhythm of the night

Foo Fighters - Best of you

Gladys Night and the Pips - The Way We Were

Debussy - Clare de Lune

Snow Patrol - Run

Whitesnake - Children of the night

Genesis - Entangled

Soft Cell \- Chips on my shoulder, Bedsitter

Bad Manners - Special Brew

Napalm Death - Unchallenged Hate

Eric Prydz - Call on Me (Maximum volume yields Maximum Results!)

Greg Lake \- I believe in Father Christmas (absolute magic!)

Damien Rice - The Blower's Daughter

Kiss - Crazy crazy nights

Nelly Furtado - Why do all good things come to an end?

Active Minds - Will They Ever Learn? (I've uploaded the full version on YouTube with lyrics)

Bryan Adams/Melanie C - When you're gone

Linkin Park - A Place for my Head

Alanis Morrisette - Ironic

Coldplay \- When I ruled the world

Queen/David Bowie - Under Pressure

Reel 2 Reel feat. The Mad Stuntman - I like to move it move it!!

Mono - Com (?)

John Denver - You fill up my senses

Kansas - Carry on my wayward son

Gala - Freed from Desire

Stereophonics - Handbags and Gladrags

Iron Maiden - whole of 'Live After Death' l.p

Frankie Goes to Hollywood - The Power of Love

Dr & the Crippens - Peel Sessions

Puddle of Mudd - Blurry

Lionel Ritchie and Diana Ross - Endless Love

Richard Harris - MacArthur Park

Journey - Don't stop believing

The Waterboys - Whole of the Moon

Neurosis \- Through Silver in Blood (work out these lyrics!)

Dido - Thank you

The Carpenters - We've only just begun

Robbie Williams - Feel

Whitney Houston - The Greatest Love of All

Carl Orff \- Ave formosissima & O Fortuna

Riz Ortolani - Oh my Love...

Frank Sinatra - My Way!

NOW MAKE YOUR LIST!

WARNING! \- THIS IS INCREDIBLY ADDICTIVE!!

PUT THEM ON YOUR MP3 IN A PLAYLIST

WHEN YOU NEED IT PUT IT ON 'SHUFFLE', CLOSE YOUR EYES, ENJOY...

