 
# The Apostate

Théa Gathas

Copyright © 2015 by Théa Gathas

ISBN: 9781310950926

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

## Chapter One

People are quickly passing her by. The train is soon leaving, they're in a hurry. An elderly woman notices her. She takes a look at the magazines that Sofi is holding up, smiles gently at her and moves along. It's four o'clock, the train leaves the station in five minutes.

Sofi sits down a bench to rest. Before putting the magazines back into her purse she looks once again at the picture on the cover of this month's issue of Awake! A man and a woman are standing in a kitchen, looking tenderly at each other while doing the dishes. Their clothes are neat, their smiles pearly and bright. In big white letters the title reads: How to have a happy marriage. Sofi thinks it's an interesting topic and wonders why not more people wanted to have the magazine.

Then she remembers with a bit of guilt that she hasn't read it either. Numerous times, she has sat down and tried to make herself open it, but each time the picture and the title made her so low that she simply couldn't.

She shakes her head, disappointed at herself, and pulls out her little planner from her jacket. Her notes from yesterday read in small black letters: 48 hours, 18 magazines. And underneath, in large red letters: 24 days. Under today's date, November 26th, she writes: 50 hours, 19 magazines.

There are four days left of this month and she has already spent fifty hours in the preaching work. Content, she sits back on the bench and thinks about what she wants to do until tonight's get-together starts. If she even decides to attend, that is. Albin will most certainly be there. He would never miss a chance to be near her. Ever since he moved here from the Dalarna province five month ago, he has been having his eyes on her. Sofi has tried to ignore it, hoping that he would get that the interest was not mutual.

Unfortunately, he doesn't really seem to get the message and she dreads the day when he will ask her if she wants to court. If he ever asked the question, it might looks suspicious if she said no. Because what spiritually strong sister would not want him? He is a good example in the congregation: a ministerial servant who holds great speeches and spend a lot of time in the preaching work. On top of that he is quite handsome, if you are to believe Charlotte who probably have a much better understanding of what is attractive in a man than Sofi ever had. If it gets known in the congregation that she is not interested in him, maybe people will start to suspect that she suffers from the tendencies that are actually plaguing her.

Sofi shivers. If it is because she finds the thought to be so appalling or if it is because of the cold, she does not know. But she decides to avoid Albin as much as she can until she finds a solution to this whole situation. Tonight she will stay at home. There will always be more get-togethers.

Sofi starts to walk towards the busses, finding her way and disappearing among the people in the train station. She looks at their faces and knows that she should feel some kind of sorrow for them. They have no idea what is coming. They do not notice. But it is their choice. She has done what she should and warned them. At home, a warm bath and a nice cup of tea will be her rewards for today.

### ***

She sometimes wonders if this little neighbourhood really is a part of the real world. On streets all over this earth you can hear the sounds of dogs barking and children playing, loud TVs and arguing couples. But here, not a sound. Except sometimes that of a singing bird in the spring who dares to rebel against the silence.

The only thing she hears now is the sound of her own steps on the staircase. She arrives to the door of her apartment and puts the key in the lock. Stops. Sofi remembers suddenly that in there is the dreaded silence. She turns the key, mostly so that it will make a sound, and tries not to panic. Turns the key once more and takes a deep breath. A familiar feeling of exhaustion comes over her so she rests her forehead on the wooden door.

She doesn't want to attend the get-together, can't stand the thought of the happy music and the happy people and most of all she can't stand Albin. Not tonight. But right behind the door, the silence awaits her. It's cold and dark and is waiting to surround her once more. Besides, she has already told Nadja that she would come. Let your yes mean yes. This was the topic for last Sunday's Watchtower study. As it said, the devil is the father of lies and therefore all lies are from him.

It is evident that she might as well give up and go to the get-together. Her conscience will not let her have it any other way. She tightens her scarf around her neck and walks out into the cold once more.

### ***

Mikael is a little round boy with little round eyes behind equally round glasses. He got baptized recently, at the annual summer assembly of Jehovah's witnesses. There was a lot of talking amongst the members of the congregation that it wasn't a good idea to let a six year old take that step. But this was before the circuit overseer came to visit. Then he had a speech, that many found truly beautiful, about encouraging one's children to have a personal relationship with Jehovah. He told them about a four year old boy in the United States who wanted to get baptized. His parents were against it at first but an elder sat them down and made them see the error of their ways. The boy was baptized that same year at the local convention, which turned out to be to his blessing and protection throughout his childhood since it reminded him every single day that he had a responsibility towards the Creator of the universe. Now that he is an adult, he is an elder in his congregation in Michigan and has a wife and two children, all pioneers.

After that speech most of the congregation changed their attitude and are now very proud of Mikael. But tonight he is definitely not happy.

While his mother Nadja in putting snacks and sodas on the coffee table, he sits on an armchair and grouches.

"Mum took away his game because there were demons in it", explains his older brother Nathan.

The twelve year old is, unlike Mikael, quite skinny but his glasses are as round as his brother's.

"Yes", Nadja says and sighs, "you buy a video game for kids and it turns out there is a level that takes place in a haunted house. But that stuff is really everywhere now. You're almost too afraid to even let them watch cartoons on their own."

Sofi takes a sip from her glass of lukewarm water and tries to make herself focus on the conversation. She nods understandingly, but her worries about tonight are distracting her.

"Who is coming?"

Nadja ponders the answer while she gathers small cushions from the sofas.

"Well, the regular people. Charlotte, Patrik and all the others."

She pauses, suddenly remembering something.

"Oh, right. Albin's little sister is coming too. You probably haven't met her yet. She moved here this past Wednesday from the Dalarna province. Mia is her name. According to Albin she isn't irregular but not very strong in the truth either. Most of her friends are worldly people and she used to work in a library in some university. So she was always surrounded by these intellectuals, you know the type, who believe you should question everything all the time."

Sofi understand. The organization has time and time again warned about the risks of socializing with the wrong kind of people. She makes a mental note to try to go out in the preaching work with this Mia. Hopefully she can help her get back on the right track again.

They hear the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. Nadja goes to open the door and with once the house is filled with the sound of female voices greeting each other with long hellos.

"Heeello, Mia! I thought you were coming with Albin."

"My brother is home sick with the cold, unfortunately. Patrik is not coming either. I think he would have felt out a place as the only man here."

Relieved over the fact that her unwanted admirer will not be here tonight and slightly curious about this to her until now unknown sister, Sofi goes out into the hall to greet the newcomers. In the middle of the group she sees a young woman who she presumes is Mia since she is the only person she has never seen before. She looks nothing like Albin.

While his skin is pale and freckly, hers is dark. His hair is strawberry blonde, hers a dark shade of black. And while is body is large and round, hers is slim and tall. She is beautiful, so Sofi tries to not look at her to much but when Mia comes to shake her hand she has no time to turn her eyes away.

"Hi, I'm Mia."

Sofi knows that she should say something but her nervosity is stopping any words from coming out of her mouth.

"You're Sofi."

When Mia sees the other woman's surprise, she explains.

"I've heard a lot about you."

She takes out a scrunchie from the pocket of her jeans and puts her long hair in a bun, so that she bares her slim neck.

"It's nice to finally meet you."

### ***

Mia has long fingers. They are curious and move slowly across the colourful spines of the books. Her index finger stops on a bright green book and she smiles.

"'The old man and the sea.'" A true classic.

She whispers it quietly, almost as if it was a secret nobody else really needed to know. Nadja throws a bored look at the bookshelf.

"Tim likes these old books. Personally, I find detective stories to be far more interesting."

Since she doesn't really care for the topic, Nadja starts to talk about something else.

"So, how is the job search going?"

Mia's slim fingers continue their travel and she answers without looking away from the books.

"It's going well, actually. I've got a job interview on Monday at a place called Boye's Bookshop."

"Is that the one near the Haga cinema?"

Sofi jumps into the conversation after a long silence. Mia finally loses interest in the content of the bookshelf and smiles at her.

"Exactly. Next to the sushi place."

"Wait a second", Nadja says, "isn't that the place where this apostate works? You know, brother Karlsson's cousin?"

"No, he works in another bookstore nearby. But not this one."

Both Mia and Nadja let out a sigh of relief. Charlotte shows up to inform everyone that the Berger sisters are finally here.

Everyone gathers now around the coffee table and waits for the fun to begin. Sister Gina Berger and her two adult, unmarried daughters sit down on the green velvet couch and speak to each other with serious faces. Nadja greets the elderly woman, whom some brothers in the congregation have jokingly given the nickname "Sister Law", and stands in the middle of the room.

All the attention is turned to her as everyone is eagerly looking forward to eat the cookies and snacks gathered on the table but are waiting, as they should, for someone to pray before the meal. But Nadja is testing their patience some more as she starts of by thanking everybody for coming and by making some light jokes.

Sofi is trying to listen to what she says but finds herself distracted by Mia who is standing right next to her in the crowded room. She is wearing perfume, some cheap kind that smells like fruit. The scent seems to carry the warmth of her skin into Sofi's nostrils. Because of the sultry air in the room, Mia has opened up the three top buttons of her blouse and her bare collar bone is showing. She doesn't have much in terms of cleavage as her small breasts are almost not visible under the blue fabric. Sofi forces herself to not look at her and focuses instead on Nadja who is bowing down her head to pray.

"Wait!"

It is little Mikael who is protesting. The whole room looks at him and each other, trying to figure out what caused this sudden outburst. But he loses patience and explains himself:

"There is a baptized brother here!"

Annoyed and proud, he stands next to his mother in the centre of the room. The women let out an embarrassed laughter and Nadja's face has turned bright red.

"Do you want to pray? She asks her youngest son in a motherly voice."

Mikael looks around the room, at the people looking at him. The boy suddenly realizes the situation he has put himself into and his shyness takes over. He shakes his head and sits down on the armchair he just jumped out of.

The women look at each other again, unsure about what should be done next. Somebody goes out into the hallway, comes back with a pink beret and gives it to Nadja who uses it to cover her head, as a woman should when praying in the presence of a baptized brother. She seems uncertain as to whether or not she is doing the right thing.

"Are you sure you don't want to pray? She asks Mikael."

He shakes his head again and hides his face inside of his polo shirt. Nadja sighs in resignation and bows down her head to thank for the meal.

### ***

A temporary dance floor has been created by moving the sofa and coffee table and putting them against the wall. As the evening has progressed more and more people have found the courage to step into it. Especially Mia, who has been on it most of the night to shake her small, curvy hips and long black hair.

Now it is Nadja and the otherwise so introverted Sister Law, who are the centre of attention. An old rock and roll song from the fifties is coming out of the stereo. Seventy-three years old Gina has grabbed Nadja's hands and is dancing with little steps. They both have kicked off their shoes and are swaying around to everyone's amusement. Charlotte, who seems to enjoy the spectacle more than anybody else, start to clap her hands to the rhythm of the music. Some follow enthusiastically her example, others get on the dance floor themselves. Music is echoing throughout the house and no one is still.

But on the balcony a lonely figure has escaped from the noise and is standing in the cold. She shakes the wine glass softly in her hand and watches the bright red liquid swirl around. Two, three snowflakes fall down into it and disappear. Tonight, the first snow of winter is falling.

Another person is stepping unto the balcony. It is Mia and she almost walks right into Sofi. She looks up from her smartphone where she is busy typing a text message.

"Sorry, I didn't see you."

She leans against the balustrade and continues to focus on her phone. Then she says something that makes Sofi want to flee back into the house.

"I always thought Albin was exaggerating when he was talking about you. But now I can see that I was wrong."

With a smile, she puts her phone back into her pocket and looks at her.

"He always talks about this very spiritual pioneer sister who is the most beautiful woman in the whole congregation."

When she sees that Sofi is embarrassed she looks away, ashamed.

"Anyway... I think that you should let him know that you're not interested. Like I know him, it's going to take a while before he founds the courage to ask you about courting. So it would be nice of you to not let him agonize in vain."

Sofi can feel her cheeks turning red.

"How can you know if I like him or not?"

"Well", Mia says and shrugs her shoulders, "according to the sisters in the congregation it's obvious to everybody that he's into you but that it doesn't seem to make you especially happy."

So everyone knows. Sofi can feel the anxiety pressing down on her chest. What else do they understand? She doesn't want to know. To end this painful discussion she promises Mia that she will tell Albin how she feels when the right moment comes. Mia nods approvingly and changes the subject.

"So you're an auxiliary pioneer. How is that working for you?"

Sofi is slightly surprised over her question. The literature given to them by the society is very clear that doing all you can in service for Jehovah is the absolute best way to live. Why would one even need to ask how it's working for her?

"Good. There just aren't that many pioneers in the congregation so it can be hard to find people to collaborate with in service."

Mia smiles. A little, shy smile.

"Maybe we can go in service together some day. I need to get to know the districts here, anyway."

A large snowflake lands on Mia's eyebrow and before she has time to think it through, Sofi removes it with her thumb. When she realizes what she has done, she backs away and dries her thumb on her skirt.

"Sorry. It was... There was a snowflake."

The young woman looks at her with pensive eyes. Then she smiles her own characteristic smile again.

"You can have my number in case you ever want to go out."

She scratches herself behind the ear and specifies:

"Go out in service."

From her breast pocket she pulls out a little notebook and writes down something. Her hands are shaking and Sofi would want to grab hold of them and warm Mia's fingers in her hand. But she curbs her impulse by emptying her wine glass instead. Mia gives her the little piece of paper where she as written down her phone number along with her name, with a little heart instead of a dot on top of the i.

"I'm probably should leave now so I don't miss the last bus home."

She leans forward and gives Sofi a hug. It's a short embrace but lasts long enough for the scent of her perfume and the warmth of her body to linger with the other woman a couple of seconds more.

"See you soon, Sofi."

"See you soon. It was nice to meet you."

The last part is a little bit true, but mostly a lie. And when Sofi is finally left alone on the balcony, she lets out a sigh of relieve. She looks up at the night sky which is this evening filled with billions of snowflakes dancing and sparkling in the moon light, and reminds herself that the Kingdom will be here soon and her temptation over.

## Chapter Two

The sound of a radio is echoing in the stairwell. It sounds like some sort of cultural program, a review of a new play. As Sofi is approaching her floor, she hears also running and the laughter of children. Then she notices that the door of her apartment is wide open. But she does not get scared, even though she clearly remembers locking it this morning. Curious, she follows the noise into the apartment. She then enters the living room where a little girl is chasing an even smaller boy.

"Tag! You're it!" She says as she grabs him.

The boy giggles and starts to chase the girl around. They run in circles a couple of times but stop in their tracks when they see Sofi. First they seem surprise to see her and look at her with their big, round eyes. Then they smile and run to her to hug her as hard as they can.

"Mummy!"

She takes them both into her arms and then picks up two lollipops from her handbag and gives them to the children.

"Thank you, mummy!"

They give her both a kiss on the cheek and the girl tells Sofi, without further explanation:

"She's in the bedroom."

Sofi goes to her bedroom and finds a woman lying on the king size bed. She is only wearing a white tank top and a pair of red panties. Her long, brown hair is resting on the pillow and on her breasts, whose dark nipples are visible under the white fabric. She is sleeping soundly so Sofi takes of her shoes and lies down next to her. The woman moans a bit and opens her eyes.

"Hi, honey. How was work?" She asks with a hoarse voice.

"It went well. I'm just a bit tired, that's all."

She looks compassionately at her with her deep blue eyes and takes one of Sofi's strands of hair between her fingers and puts it behind her ear. Sofi leans forward and kisses her lightly on her freckly nose. Then she lets her mouth land on the woman's lips. They are soft and a little wet. Sofi closes her eyes.

When she opens them again, the woman is gone. The dream is over and the ceiling is white and empty above her. Nothing is heard, not a sound. The digital clock on the bedside table shows in big red numbers that it is four in the morning. She sits up in her bed and tries to figure out how she feels. But she finds no emotions. No sorrow or disappointment, only a little bit of tiredness.

Since there is only one hour left before she leaves for work and she will probably not find any more sleep this morning, she gets up and leans against the window. She lifts the curtain a bit, without caring about the fact that she is naked, and looks out. As expected, the street is empty and the night still pitch-black. Sofi goes into the bathroom and turns the faucet on to clean herself up. But also to chase away the silence.

She wonders what Mia is doing right now and comes to the conclusion that she is probably sound asleep. Maybe she is dreaming. Black and white dreams about words and book pages.

Sofi shakes her head and tries to make herself think about something else. She washes her face in cold water and goes back to the bedroom. From the bedside table she picks up her planner and a red pen. Under today's date, Friday 10th December, she writes: Three days.

Disgusted and disappointed in herself, she rests her face in her hands and sighs. Her eyes get wet and she quickly wipes away the tears that are running down her cheeks. It had been over a month since she had committed the terrible sin, but three days ago she fell again. She knows that the right thing would be to tell the elders. Especially since this has been going on for so long. The organisation is very clear on the fact that one must confess to a sin to be forgiven by Jehovah. But to tell a group of grown men about this... She feels sick to her stomach just thinking about it.

On the floor, by her feet, lie her dusty work clothes. On the pants the words Lind's Super Cleaning Service can be read. While she picks them up and puts them on, she makes the decision to wait until the end of the month. If she falls again sometimes before New Year, she will go to the elders. After all, her very life depends on it.

### ***

The sun has set and the cold and darkness have taken hold of the city until the next day. The big outdoor thermometer next to the cathedral shows that the temperature is minus twenty degrees Celsius. But here and there some people are still moving through the falling snow.

Sofi is standing alone at the bus stop and looks impatiently at her cell phone. It is already ten past five in the afternoon. She looks around and finally sees Charlotte in her big down jacket, which is the same rusty red colour as her wavy hair.

"Hello, there! I'm sorry I'm late. They've cancelled lots of busses because of the weather."

She gives Sofi a quick hug, takes of her wool cloves and picks up a little notebook from her purse.

"Was there any specific district you wanted to go to? Because, you see, I was thinking, like, I was just talking to Mia..."

Sofi can't help but hold her breath when she hears the name, but it is nothing Charlotte notices as she continues to talk fast in her high-pitched voice and nonchalantly read through her notes.

"Hum, yeah. Like I was saying, I was just talking to Mia on Facebook and she said that she was home now and if we wanted we could go to her place and do some letter witnessing."

For Charlotte's sake, so that she won't have to go preaching in this weather, Sofi agrees to the arrangement. But she really doesn't want to see Mia and has until now made a pretty good job at avoiding her. Which has turned out to be quite easy considering that Mia has been missing so many meetings. Not at all surprising since Albin had warned them that his little sister was spiritually weak.

Charlotte and Sofi take the bus over to Guldheden, the neighbourhood where Mia's apartment is located. When they arrive at her door she welcomes them inside as a friendly orange cat rubs up against their legs. In the kitchen, everything has been prepared. The writing materials is on the table and the pleasant smells of hot coffee and cinnamon buns fill the air.

Before starting service, Charlotte goes to the bathroom while Sofi sits down at the kitchen table, on a chair near the window. Immediately she notices a pack of cigarettes on the window-sill. She picks it up, along with a lighter which has the picture of a pin-up girl on it. Mia sees it and takes the things from her hands.

"Those... "

She hides them in a kitchen drawer near the floor.

"Those aren't mine", she says embarrassed, "they're a friend of mines. He must have forgotten them here."

"He?"

Sofi finds herself surprised over how angry her voice sounds. More angry than she actually is. Mia sits down in front of her on the opposite side of the table.

"It's not what you think, she says whispering, this guy is like in his seventies and well..."

She hesitates before telling the rest.

"... not really into women."

Sofi nods, understanding and relieved.

"Yes, at his age that's probably not a concern anymore."

"No, I mean he's gay."

She is in complete shock. Especially over how Mia says it. Like it is the most natural thing in the world that this man is gay. Sofi can feel herself getting nervous and starts to flip through the pages of the magazine that are lying in front of her.

"Is it really appropriate to let this kind of people into your home?"

Mia gives her an irritated look as she takes a sip from her coffee cup. She wipes her mouth and gazes out the window.

"Hm. Then maybe you should leave?"

Like a kick in the stomach. Sofi can't breathe. She wants to gasp for air but is too scared to even make a sound. To calm herself down she concentrates on the front cover of this month's Watchtower magazine which is lying in front of her. In the picture, a man is sited in front of a desk and is focused on reading a large bible. She manages to finally gather her thoughts and tries to figure out how to refute Mia's accusation. But Charlotte is already back and sits down at the table with them.

"Good. Let's begin", Mia says and bows her head down to pray.

"Aren't you going to changes clothes?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well", Charlotte continues, "it is service."

Mia gives them both a surprised look.

"Is it really necessary? The people who are going to get the letters won't be able to see that I was wearing pants when I wrote them."

"No, that's true."

Charlotte seems uncertain. She pours herself some coffee and ads:

"But it's the principle. And I'm pretty sure it's how the directives are.

Mia thrums lightly on the edge of the table.

"Okay. I'm going to go put on a skirt. I'll be right back."

She leaves the room and the two women left on their own in the kitchen exchange a nervous smile and a concerned look.

### ***

The coffee is making Sofi nauseous. It tastes like coffee always tastes when it has gone cold. But she drinks it up, mostly out of politeness. On the table in front of her is a pile of letters, the result of the three women's two hour long writing session. She wonders how many people are going to write back. By experience she knows that it's probably going to be none. Maybe one if they're lucky. But she feels content anyway. They have done service for Jehovah and nothing is more important than that.

Charlotte, who has somehow managed to stay away from her phone for a whole two hours, is uploading a picture of the letters on Instagram while Mia is looking up the bus schedules on her iPad. Sofi is feeling somewhat out of place. Not only because she doesn't really understand all of this new technology but also because it reminds her of the age difference between her and the other women.

Only five years left and she will be fifty years old. Most sisters her age are married since long ago and socialize mostly with other married sisters. She feels a little bit sad when she thinks about the fact that most of the young women who are her friends also soon will marry. Like Charlotte who is only nineteen but already courting with Patrik.

Sofi looks at Mia and tries to figure out how old she might be. Her skin looks smooth, without any wrinkles. But in her eyes and in the way she carries herself there seems to be a certain maturity. Her cheekbones are high and round. Sofi feels an urge to kiss them and feel the heat of the skin under her lips. She gets angry at herself and her impure thoughts. To punish herself she pinches her own thigh. Under the table, where the others cannot see.

Mia looks suddenly worried.

"Girls... It seems that there are no buses to take you home tonight."

She points out the window. Outside the heavily falling snow is creating the illusion of a gigantic white and sparkly wall.

"They've all been cancelled because of the weather. You're going to have to sleep over tonight."

Sofi feels strangely relieved over the whole situation. She will probably miss service tomorrow morning but to escape another lonely night in her quiet apartment feels quite alright.

When they are done cleaning up the table, she and Mia start to make the sofa bed while Charlotte stays in the kitchen to call her parents and inform them that she won't be coming home tonight.

"Is she a pioneer too, Charlotte?" Mia asks.

"No, she's still in school."

"Hm. Yes, it would be hard to get up to ninety hours will all the school work and all."

Sofi ads humbly:

"By the way, I'm just an auxiliary pioneer."

Mia smiles and shakes her head.

"Just? Come on, fifty hours of service in a month is not that bad either."

She looks at Sofi with an amused expression, which quickly turns into an ashamed one, and sits down on the now made sofa bed.

"I just want to apologize for what I said earlier. I didn't mean it."

Sofi accepts her apology with a smile. But an uneasy feeling that her previous comment wasn't just to be mean, that she actually knows, stays with her.

### ***

Sofi is lying right at the edge of the sofa bed. She is trying to not lie to close to Mia, who she assumes must feel uncomfortable already if she really does know what kind of person Sofi is.

Earlier that evening they decided that Charlotte, who is suffering from a very ill-timed case of neck pain, would sleep in the bedroom while the other two women would share the hard mattress of the sofa bed.

And now they are lying here, staring at the ceiling above them and trying to find the sleep that eludes them. Nothing is heard. Even their breathing makes no sound. But it is a pleasant silence. Not a lonely one, which is the kind Sofi is more used to. It is more a silence filled with the presence of the young woman lying next to her, whose silhouette can barely be seen in the half darkness. Even though she knows that she shouldn't, Sofi can't helped but feeling good.

"You never called."

Sofi feels a little bit bad and confesses.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I wanted to set things straight with Albin before going out in service with you."

"You know what? He's a grown man. Let him figure it out on his own."

She sits up in the bed and fluffs her pillow.

"And between you and I... I don't think you're missing out on anything with Albin. Believe me, he's brilliant in his own quirky way but he doesn't really have the maturity you would expect from a forty-seven-year-old man."

"There are quite a lot of years between you two?"

"Yes. What are you doing all the way over there? You're going to fall out of bed."

With a warm hand on Sofi's arm, she pulls her closer.

"Twenty-two years to be precise", she continues. "After Albin had moved away from home, our parents were missionaries in Sri Lanka for a while. They studied with a woman there who worked at an orphanage in Colombo. That's how they met me. I was one year old at the time. It didn't make Albin very happy when they brought me home with them to Sweden. He thought, many in the congregation did, that it was very unspiritual to give up the privilege of being missionaries to raise another child. Especially since they were both almost in their fifties and Armageddon was right around the corner."

She laughs, then sighs.

"Mum always said that I would never grow up to be an adult in this system. Paradise would have come before that. My dad even had plans that we would all travel back to Sri Lanka when the new world was here and live by the sea on a farm full of elephants. We had already decided names for them and everything. He always has kind of weird ideas, my dad."

Sofi can't see Mia's facial expression in the dark but she senses the sadness in her voice. She knows the feeling all too well. Like her, she was told as a child that she would not grow up in this wicked world. But the Kingdom will be coming at a later date than they expected. For lack of more encouraging words, she repeats what she has been told for so many years.

"But it can't be that long left now. Not with how things are in the world."

Mia is lying silent and still. Sofi is looking at her profile in the darkness and waits for a movement from her lips. But it looks like she has already fallen asleep. Finally, Mia whispers in a tired voice:

"It's getting late. We should try to get some sleep."

Sofi prays a silent evening prayer, like she does every night. She prays that Jehovah will bless the worldwide preaching work and help the witnesses find everyone deserving of eternal life before it is too late. Tonight she also asks Jehovah to help Mia be strong in her faith and to give her a certainty that his Kingdom will soon be here.

With a feeling of being safe in God's hands and with a sentiment of contentment over today's work, she falls asleep.

### ***

Mia is lying right next to her when she wakes up again. They are in the middle of the bed. It seems that they have been moving towards each other in their sleep. Sofi can now see her better since it has become brighter outside. It will soon be morning.

Mia's eyes are half open and a tear is running down her cheek and unto the pillow. She is crying silently, without groaning or sobbing. Sofi does not say a word but puts her hand on Mia's arm. When she sees that Sofi is awake, she looks embarrassed and dries her tears away.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Sofi caresses softly her arm and hopes that she will not misunderstand the gesture.

"It's okay. We don't have to talk about it. Only if you want to."

The young woman comes closer and rests her head on Sofi's chest. First, she is a little bit shocked but then Sofi carefully puts her arms around her. She softly strokes Mia's hair and lets her wet the borrowed nightgown with tears. She finds herself wishing that all Mia's sadness could somehow disappear into her own body, so that she could carry it instead. Whatever this sorrow might be.

## Chapter Three

The young man is standing in the doorway and smirking at her. Sofi chooses to not let that bother her and calmly continues her presentation.

"The reason we visit people in their home this way is because we want to encourage them to learn more about the bible. We firmly believe that it contains wonderful promises about the future that everyone should hear. This magazine explains some of those promises and why you can trust them."

The man looks at her with a perplexed expression on his face but with the same annoying smirk as before. The TV is on loud inside of the house and the rerun of yesterday's hockey game can be heard all the way down the street.

"Sure, whatever."

He takes the Watchtower from her hand and quickly shuts the door. Sofi knows what he is thinking. He probably just took it to make her go away and he most likely believes that she isn't coming back. She writes down his address as a return visit anyway and decides to come back the very next week. Time in service is something she always needs more of.

And who knows, maybe he will actually read the magazine and be touched in his heart. Best case scenario, he might want to start studying the bible and could even become a witness one day. Sofi feels all warm and fuzzy inside at the thought of saving another life from the judgement that is coming.

When she meets up with the group again at the end of the street, she can see that everyone is here. The men and the women with the children and the strollers. Tim Lind, Nadja's husband who is leading service today announces that they are done for this morning and informs that there will be a coffee break at their house for those who are interested. Sofi knows that Mia will be there and this gives her a joy that chases away some of the tiredness she has been feeling since waking up.

Tim and Nadja offer her a ride to their home and she accepts. While she is sitting in the back of their car, Tim suddenly looks at her in the rear-view mirror and says that he is very impressed by her.

"Me? Why?"

"Well, you see, when the Larsson girl first came here we were all worried about her. She missed a lot of meetings and rarely went out in service. But she has really bettered herself since you two became friends. It seems you have been a great influence on her."

The Larsson girl. Sofi finds it to be a strange way to refer to Mia. At twenty-five, the word woman might be more appropriate.

"Yes", Nadja says, "you can really see an improvement compared to how she was before. The way things are going you could maybe even encourage her to get into pioneering."

Sofi tries to imagine it. How they go from door to door every day. Talking, laughing and supporting each other in this life saving work. Partners in crime. She likes the thought.

At the house of the Lind family, brothers and sisters are standing in the driveway and patiently waiting. Their cars are parked down the whole street and the neighbours are peeking from behind their curtains to see what is going on.

Mia is talking to some other sisters. She is smiling. Mia is always smiling. Not to make a good impression or even to appear friendly. But because of a genuine and almost provoking youthful happiness that is simply a part of her.

Sofi gives her a hug and they start to share their experience of today's service. They tell each other what kind of people they met and how many magazines they gave away.

"Sofi, I'm only staying a little while. I've got to get to work soon. There's going to be a book signing tonight and we need to clean the whole bookshop."

"A book signing? How fun! What author? Is it somebody famous?"

"Jonas Gardell."

The sisters standing around them gasp in shock.

"No, not him!" Someone exclaims.

"Do you really have to go?" Another asks.

"I'm just going to help clean up the store. I'm not staying for the book signing."

"Good", Nadja says, "this Gardell guy really hates the witnesses you know."

The discussion continues around the kitchen table. Out in the living room the children are laughing and playing with the family's little Chihuahua, ironically named Goliath.

"But that Mark Levengood he's with seems nice", Sister Law says, "even though he's still one of them homos. But still much better than Gardell who's always writing mean critical things about the witnesses in his books."

Mia is picking little piece of pearl sugar from her cinnamon roll and no longer follows the conversation.

"Hey, she whispers to Sofi, do you have any plans for this evening?"

"No, why?"

"Some friends of mine have set up this play at a local alternative theatre. I was just wondering if you wanted to come. I think you'd like it."

"Are they worldly friends?"

"They're okay. I promise."

Sofi wants to say no but changes her mind when she looks into Mia's smiling eyes.

"Okay. If you assure me that they're good people."

"They are. And they're going to love you."

### ***

A strong odour of burning incense greets her as she enters the store. At the counter, a young man with long dark hair and dressed in all black clothes is sucking on an e-cigarette while flipping through the pages of a magazine. Since he doesn't seem to notice her, she clears her throat to call on his attention and asks if Mia is here. The man gives her a quick, interested look and goes back to his reading.

"She's in the back, cleaning."

Sofi goes further into the store, finding her way through high bookshelves of thick wood. The old floor boards squeak under her feet and the smell of incense is slowly fading to be replaced with that of books and paper. She finds Mia reading a book in front of a shelf marked Science Fiction. A dirty rag is hanging from the pocket of her jeans. Sofi stands close to her and asks her what she's reading. The young woman jumps up in surprise.

"Don't sneak up on me like that!"

Despite the annoyed tone of her voice, she is smiling and gives her friends a hug. Sofi takes a look at the book Mia just put back on the shelf. On the spine she can read the title: Frankenstein.

"There's nothing demonic in it", Mia assures her, "many believe that but it's not true. It's science fiction. Science getting out of hand of things like that."

Sofi chooses to take her word for it and they decide to take a walk to the theatre. On their way out, Mia gives the dirty rag to the man behind the counter. He looks over at Sofi and asks:

"Are you one of these Jehovah's too?"

Sofi always feels annoyed whenever someone uses that expression. Jehovah's. But she smiles her nicest smile and answers him.

"Yes. Yes, I am."

"Pelle. Be cool", Mia says in an amused tone.

"I am cool", he says with a crooked smirk quite like those Mia often has, "but your friend here should probably be informed that she is part of an organisation founded by a Freemason."

"Oh", Mia answers him sarcastically, "you forgot the Illuminati and the ancient aliens too. They're all part of it!"

The two women can't help but giggles at the hurt expression on his face. So much that Pelle himself starts to laugh.

"I'm not crazy. Google it! Where do you think that symbol with a watchtower comes from?"

Mia puts her arm under Sofi's and they head out of the store.

"Whatever", Mia says and waves goodbye to him, "see you on Monday!"

Finally outside, she apologizes to Sofi for Pelle.

"I'm so sorry about that. He's actually a good guy. He just has weird ideas sometimes."

They start walking through small streets Sofi do not know but Mia has no problem finding her way in. The concrete is wet under their feet. A light rain fell this morning over Gothenburg.

"Mia, I need to ask you something. Are you okay?"

Mia stops. She seems surprised over the question.

"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I was just thinking about that first night I slept over at your place. You didn't seem well then. I've been kind of worrying about you since then."

"You're still thinking about that? It was like months ago."

Sofi tries to put a comforting hand on her friends shoulder but she avoids it and continues walking.

"You really don't need to worry about me. I'm fine. I was just going through some stuff back then. But I'm feeling much better know. There's nothing to worry about."

She stops again and looks down at her shoes. The red leather is stained with spots of mud. Sofi puts her hand on Mia's arm.

"You know you can tell me everything, right?"

Mia gazes up at her and into her eyes with an anxious look. As if she wanted to say something but wasn't sure if she should. She turns away and starts going down wooden stairs leading down to a basement.

"We're arrived."

Sofi looks up at the building. It is a regular red brick house with no sign of any kind informing passers-by that a theatre can be found here. She follows Mia inside and immediately notices a strong smell of moisture.

Bright orange plastic chairs have been placed in front of a small and poorly lit scene. There seems to be around a hundred seats.

An elderly man is sitting alone in the front row. He is clothed very elegantly in a striped suit and a worn out fedora hat.

"Darling", he says without taking his eyes of the stage, "you have seen this play a couple of times. Haven't you?"

"I have", Mia answers and sits down beside him, "why are you asking?"

He sighs dramatically.

"Anders can't come tonight. His girlfriend called. Apparently he has a terrible case of the flu."

Mia tries her best to look serious, not hiding very well how enthusiastic she actually feels.

"Oh, no! Is there no one who can take his place?"

"No, unfortunately. We might have to cancel the whole thing."

"Oh. Well, if there really isn't anyone else maybe I could do it. This story I know by heart."

The elderly man stands up with a smile and dusts off his jacket.

"Wonderful! Now, my dear, go get ready. The show must go on!"

Full of excitement Mia takes Sofi by the hand and takes her to a door behind the stage. They arrive to a corridor of dull grey concrete. Sofi's throat starts to itch from the heavy dust in the air.

"This is going to be so much fun! Now you get to see how everything is done here backstage", Mia says and leads her through another door.

Behind it they meet someone who makes Sofi jump up in shock. The person has white make-up covering their face and piercings all over it. In the lips, the nose, the eyebrows and even the cheeks. Their hair is dark and curly and Sofi can't tell whether they are a woman or a man.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

They give her a friendly smile and shake her hand. Their voice is like a deep woman's voice or a high-pitched man's voice.

"This is Horse", Mia explains, "who does all the make-up and costumes and so on."

She sits down on a chair in front of a dressing table at the far end of the room. Sofi looks around and realizes that they are inside of a dressing room. Bright neon lamps are spreading their light from the ceiling and the small room is full of all sorts of clothes and costumes hanging on cloth racks. A large trunk next to the dressing room chair is so full of glittery and colourful accessories that it can't be fully closed.

Sofi is feeling anxious. This whole theatre place is weird and the people here are very, for lack of a better word, worldly. And what if the elderly man they talked to earlier is the gay man who had forgotten his cigarettes at Mia's place? She feels sick to her stomach just by the thought of it and at the same time worried about Mia for surrounding herself with people of this sort.

"Horse..."

Sofi says the name out loud and to her it does not sound right at all.

"Like... a horse?"

"Yep!"

She can't tell if the person is being serious or ironic and comes to the conclusion that she doesn't really care. This whole situation is way too strange for her taste anyway.

"But", she remembers suddenly, "wasn't it a guy who was supposed to play the role?"

"It was", Horse says, "but we can make a new one here. No problems."

They go and get from one of the cloth racks an old worn-out suit. It's brown and dark green and chequered. So not very stylish.

Mia takes of all of her clothes except for her black silk panties. Her breasts are small but round and the nipples cover most of them. Sofi forces herself to look away and focuses instead her attention on an old film poster hanging on the wall. In it an angry black cat is starring at her from behind the words El gato negro written in big red colours. Big and red, as if to remind her of her worst sin. The cats yellow eyes suddenly seems accusatory as well as mad. She looks away and turns to the others again.

Mia puts on the suit and sits down on the chair again. Horse immediately starts their work. With great focus and skill, they create an illusion of dark circles under the eyes and of sunken in cheeks. It makes Mia look sick and starved out. Despite knowing that it is all fake, Sofi can't help but wanting to hold and comfort Mia. And feed her, most of all.

But Horse is less than satisfied with the results.

"I can't make it look realistic on you. Your skin is too dark."

"Your make-up is too light", Mia retorts and starts putting her hair up in a bun.

Horse takes out a bowler hat from the large trunk and puts it on her head.

"Voilà! There is our Joseph Q!"

"All right", she says proudly and turns to Sofi, "what do you think?"

Sofi first and foremost thinks that it really isn't appropriate for a Christian woman to dress up like a man. But instead of voicing that opinion she jokingly takes the hat from Mia's head and puts it on her own.

"Very handsome!"

Since there is a half hour left until the show starts, they decide to go out into the theatre and say hello to some of Mia's friends. A little group of strange characters gather around them: Tomas the street singer, Sabina the feminist writer, Anna who is a socialist activist, Riccardo the spoken word poet and a few more.

They all look sort of peculiar. With tattoos, piercings, hair dyed in funny colours and out of style clothes, as from some second hand store. It also turns out that Horse has a split tongue and can put each half in a nostril. A not very hygienic trick. But they all seem quite nice and Sofi thinks that there is always the possibility of someone here deserving eternal life. Only Jehovah can read the hearts of human beings and she shouldn't judge anyone by appearances. She makes a mental note to offer someone an Awake! magazine if ever the opportunity presents itself.

At six p.m. the show starts. Sofi's seat is on the front row beside the elderly man she now has learned is named Kurt and is also the director of the play. She would have preferred to sit somewhere else. Not only because of the kind of person she suspects he is, but also because he smells funny of musky men's perfume and disturbs her with his annoying laughter strangely similar to the sound of an owl.

But the play does not offer many laughs. It tells the story of a family man named Joseph Q who one morning, as he is having breakfast with his wife and children, gets arrested by a police force storming his house. He is taken to the police station where he is interrogated for hours and pressured to confess. The only problem is that no one will tell him exactly what crime he is accused of committing.

When he is finally released and comes home is family has no warm welcome for him. Despite being as ignorant as he is as to what the accusations against him are, his wife and children have already judged him guilty. They refuse to talk to him or even say hello. His wife kicks him out of their shared bed and he has to spend every night on the couch. He is also banned for the family dinners and has to eat his food out in the garage. Devastated, he looks for comfort and support in his friends but also they believe in his guilt and choose to shun him.

A week goes by. The police comes back to get him and take him in front of a court. The judge declares him guilty and sentences him to life in prison. Joseph Q desperately begs for an explanation of what he has supposedly done to deserve such a punishment. But to no end.

Somehow he manages to escape from the court building and runs away to a bridge leading out of the city. The police quickly catches up with him and he has nowhere to escape. So, in a moment of great sorrow and desperation, Joseph Q jumps of the bridge and into the ice cold river below. But not without first having cried out his despair in these last words: "Once I was a man, but see, to everyone I am now nothing but a dog!"

After two long hours the show is over. Big pearls of sweat are running down Mia's face and onto the floor boards of the stage. With tired eyes she looks over at the audience. They are ecstatic and every one of them gets up from their chairs to give her a standing ovation. The sound of the applauds and the bravos and the whistling is so deafening that the building itself seems to shake. The spot lights focus on Mia and blind her. She bows down humbly to the spectators and escapes quickly to the silence of the dressing room.

Sofi meets her there and Mia proceeds to wipe the make-up from her own face with a wet cloth.

"You were amazing tonight", Sofi says, "you have an amazing talent. I'm speechless."

"Thank you."

Mia gives her a tired smile and let's out her long, silky hair. Their eyes meet in the mirror and they look at each other with warmth for a while.

"Since we're going out in service together tomorrow morning, maybe you can stay over at my place this evening."

They both smile in a quiet understanding and the plans for tonight are set.

### ***

It's not something that has been officially decided between them or even discussed. But they share a bed every night Sofi sleeps over. Maybe Mia hasn't been feeling like making the sofa bed or maybe it just became a routine the first time Sofi slept over. Either way they are both content with the arrangement and prefer it to the misery of a lonely sleep.

They lay exhausted down in Mia's bed as soon as they arrive home after the show.

"I should probably go take a shower. I'm really sweaty", Mia says but rests her head on the other woman's shoulder instead.

Sofi can smell the strong odour of sweat coming from Mia. But she finds it more arousing than repulsive. Mia takes her hand and studies it.

"That's a beautiful nail polish. Where did you find it?"

"I got it from Nadja. But I can ask her where she bought it. You can borrow some of it if you want."

Without taking her eyes from Sofi's hand, Mia puts her finger around hers. She comes closer and rests her cheek against Sofi's neck. The ceiling above them is a warm, dark blue.

"You..."

Mia holds Sofi's face with one of her hands and pulls it closer to her own. She puts her forehead against hers. Caresses her lips with her thumb and then kisses her with her soft lips.

Panic is starting to spread itself in pulsating waves throughout Sofi's body. From her heart and all the way down between her legs. She tries to turn her head away but Mia is now holding it with both of her hands. To make herself free from her, Sofi has to gently push her away. Their faces are still so close that they are almost touching.

"What are you doing?"

Mia gives her nothing but a hurt look for an answer. Sofi's whole body has in an instant become filled with desire. She wants to feel Mia's full lips against her own again. She wants to put her hand under the grey sweater and touch the breasts that are mostly nipple. And give Mia's body all of her attention and love tonight.

But she can't. She isn't allowed. No, it's Satan who is tempting her. He knows her weakness and has set in his mind to make her fall. There are probably demons in this room right now. Yes, that's how it must be.

Sofi escapes to the hallway and takes her handbag and jacket before rushing out of the apartment.

"Sofi! Wait!"

Halfway down the stairs, Sofi turns around and looks at Mia who is standing in the doorway. The young woman's hands are shaking and her eyes tearing up. She looks like she wants to say something but can't seem to find the words. Sofi can't wait for her, she must run away. It is the only right thing to do. It is what must be done to not lose Jehovah's approval.

"See you tomorrow."

"What?"

Mia gives her a puzzled look and dries a tear running down her cheek.

"See you tomorrow. In service. Good-bye."

Sofi runs out into the rain and doesn't look back.

## Chapter Four

As soon as she wakes up, Sofi feels that she misses her. She looks around and sees that Mia isn't there. Immediately, she remembers last night's events. Sofi wonders how she is feeling. If she managed to get any sleep after what happened and whether she worries about what will happen to her now.

Sofi gets up and goes to the kitchen to prepare herself some breakfast while she thinks about what she should do next. Her first thought is to call Tim, since he's an elder and tell him what Mia did. On the other hand she also remembers what Jesus said in the bible: first speak to the sinner privately and only if he does not regret his sin, then tell the congregation. But does this really apply to sins as serious as the one Mia committed last night?

The little book Examining the Scriptures Daily is lying on the kitchen table, like it always does. Sofi picks it up and reads today's bible text. It is taken from 1 Corinthians 6:18 and reads: "Flee from sexual immorality".

She quickly closes the book again without reading the text commenting it. Right now she can't stand any more guilt. There are important things to figure out. Like why Mia did what she did yesterday. Was she confused, tired after the intensive play? Was she so exhausted that she lost contact with reality for a second and no longer knew what she was doing?

The thought also crosses Sofi's mind that maybe she simply did it because she felt attracted to her. But she rapidly chases that thought away. Could Mia really be like her? With the same impure feelings and shameful desires? No, she can not believe that. Sofi thinks far too highly of Mia to harbour such mean suspicions towards her. There has to be some other explanation and she is intent on finding it.

The porridge cooking on the stove is done so she pours it into a bowl with some milk and honey and sits down in front of the television. For the first time in years, she skips the prayer and goes straight to eating. She is far too ashamed right now after what happened yesterday to talk to Jehovah. Sure, she reacted like she should have and ran away. But when Mia's lips landed on hers, she could feel nothing but desire. Yes, even arousal.

When she then came home, the feeling stayed and made it hard for her to fall asleep. She remembered a documentary she saw once about the human body. In it a scientist had explained that every time someone touches something, they leave microscopic skin cells on it. Certainly, Mia had left cells from her lips on her mouth. A piece of her was still with Sofi. Without really knowing why, she found the thought to be comforting. She managed eventually to fall asleep without even having cleaned the sinful cells from off her lips.

They are reporting on the news about the war in Syria. Sixty civilians have lost their lives after bombings in Aleppo. Sofi does not find it to be the least bit surprising. The bible predicted long ago that the last days would be filled with wars and fighting. It is what must happen before the Kingdom comes.

She turns off the television and stirs the now cold porridge with her spoon. In vain, she tries to gather enough optimism to take even one bite. But she fails. She hasn't stopped missing Mia ever since she woke up and it feels like a constant pain in her stomach. Trying to get any food down would probably result in her throwing everything up. Right on the coffee table.

### ***

Sofi hasn't done what she should this week. Today is Sunday and not until now, on the bus to the Kingdom Hall, has she started preparing her Watchtower study. On top of that she has only been in service for seven hours, which is far from the twelve and a half she needs per week to fulfil her duty as an auxiliary pioneer.

She really should start working less hours at the cleaning company but she has not yet been able to let go of the worry of not being able to pay her rent. Obviously, she lacks trust in Jehovah. He would most certainly take care of her and see that she had everything she needed if only she completely trusted him. She prays a short prayer to Jehovah that he will forgive her weak faith and help her find an opportunity to be more zealous in the preaching work.

As she arrives to the Kingdom Hall, she receives an email from Mia on her phone.

Hi. I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what happened yesterday. I don't know what got into me. I know you must tell the elders but could you just give me a heads up before you do. I need to prepare myself mentally before I meet them.

You probably understand why, but I can't face the congregation tonight so I'm not coming to service or to the meeting tonight. Once more I want to say that I'm sorry. You probably don't want to socialize with me anymore and I completely understand that. I just want you to know that I really care about you and that I never meant to hurt you in any way.

Bye for now. Take care.

Mia L.

It probably would be best to call her now. To tell her everything is already forgiven and that she wishes things could just go back to the way they were. Sofi can't stand the thought of things not going back to the way they were.

But it is not time for this now. The meeting before service is starting in just a minute and she must do what comes before everything else: Jehovah's will.

### ***

"You're not at the meeting", Mia says surprised when she opens her front door.

It is Sunday evening and this week's study of the Watchtower is about to start. Sofi's conscience is bothering her when she thinks about it. She has no real excuse to not be there.

"Can we talk?"

Mia let's her in and they sit down in the living room. Not saying a word for many minutes. Mia is mostly looking down at her hands with an ashamed look on her face and Sofi does not know where to start. The orange cat Tigress lies down on her feet and purrs away the silence.

"I was thinking about making tea. Do you want some?"

"Sure. Thanks."

Mia goes into the kitchen to start the kettle and comes back with two empty tea cups.

"How was service?"

"It went well. We did a return visit to the elderly Japanese man, you know the man at the food store, and he was very moved that we had made the effort to find literature in his language. Now he's actually thinking about visiting the Kingdom Hall some time."

The cat turns around on top of Sofi's feet and lies with it's stomach in the air. Not another word is spoken as they wait for the water to be boiled in the kettle. Only after Mia has poured them each a cup of hot tea does Sofi find the courage to bring up what she actually came here for.

"I haven't talked to the elders."

Mia swallows nervously.

"When are you planning to do it?"

"I'm not going to do it at all."

She looks up from her hands with a surprised look on her face.

"The important thing", Sofi continues, "is that you're sorry for what you did and never do it again. Since you're remorseful, there is no need for the elders to be called it. They're busy enough as it is."

Mia sits back in her arm chair and closes her eyes, lets out a sigh of relief and opens them again.

"Thank you so much. This is so kind of you. I thought you would be so angry with me."

"I could never be angry with you."

She regrets the words as soon as they come out of her mouth. As she dares not see the other woman's reaction, she drinks some tea and looks away. The hot beverage is burning her tongue. Serves her right.

Tigress has grown bored with Sofi's feet and walks away to the kitchen to chew loudly on some dry cat food.

"But you're not going to have to see me anymore, anyway. I'm moving away."

"Moving away? You don't have to do that because of me. I've already forgiven you. I don't mind seeing you."

Sofi's heart is beating hard and desperately in her chest. As if it wanted to jump out of her body itself and make Mia stay.

"No, that's not why. My contract is ending soon and the guy I'm renting from doesn't want to prolong it."

"But why? What happened?"

"Well, he had moved to Stockholm to be with his girlfriend but now they've broken up and he wants the apartment back. I've tried to look for another place to rent but I haven't found anything yet."

It feels as if the ceiling was falling down. Right on top of Sofi's head. In her mind she can almost hear the crash.

"But where will you live?"

"Until I find a new apartment it's going to have to be my old room in my parents' house."

"But do you really want to go back to Dalarna?"

"Not really. I really like it here and I love my job at the book store. But it's not really like I have a choice."

Sofi puts her feet up on the couch. In her mind it feels as a deep darkness has opened beneath them and is waiting to swallow her whole.

"I have two weeks left on my contract. But I'm leaving this week already. I'm waiting until after the visit from the governing body and after that I leave on Thursday."

"What? No! Already?"

The darkness beneath is getting nearer, so she holds on to her feet and tries to hold back the tears. When they look at each other there is something tender and compassionate in Mia's eyes. As if she was looking at a crying child.

"You know it's for the best that we stay away from each other."

Sofi's heart start beating slower, as if from disappointment. There is no denying anymore that Mia has the same wrongful desires as she does. The devil has obviously defiled her beautiful mind with his worldly propaganda. Worst of all, he is probably using Sofi has bait to make her sin.

"I have to leave."

"Already? Aren't going to finish your tea first?"

"It was delicious but I really need to go."

To avoid tempting her any further, Sofi leaves without giving her even a hug. And in the same moment realizes that she loves Mia to much to risk leading her to destruction.

### ***

They look like ordinary people. It is not possible to tell just by looking at them that they are evil. But there exists no humans more evil than those: apostates. Individuals who have abandoned the only true faith to follow the devil and who try to lure others out into the world.

Today there are five, three men and two women, standing outside the stadium and trying to give pamphlets to the faithful Jehovah's witnesses going into the building.

Sofi walks by the little group quickly but sees, against her will, the brochure one of the women is holding up. The governing body has forbidden you to read this. What are they hiding? Big red letters on a black background. Red like blood and evil.

Sofi's heart starts to race and she hurries away to the toilets. She puts the lid down and sits. Breathes slowly as she tries to calm herself down.

They looked so ordinary. That's what scares her the most. If she would have met them under other circumstances, she would have never known that they were apostate. Maybe she would even have talked to them. That very thought sends chills down her spine.

To make herself think about something else, she picks up her phone and starts playing a boring game about a snake who eats fruits. When the silly animal has bitten itself in the tail for the third time and she feels calm again, Sofi ventures out into the crowd.

Ten thousand witnesses from Sweden and Denmark are gathered at the stadium today to listen to a public speech from one of the members of the governing body. Through the internet the speech is also broadcasted to all congregations in northern Europe, from Island to Finland. Thousands and thousands have come together for this fine spiritual meal. Sofi can't help but tear up when she thinks about it. Jehovah really does take care of his people.

She meets up with Charlotte and Patrik who have reserved a sit for her near the stage. With them is a young man named Henrik from a congregation in the south of the country. His hazel eyes are sad but kind and when he smiles it ends up looking more like an unhappy grimace than a smile. There is something melancholic about him that Sofi recognizes in herself.

The speech starts shortly after they've seated themselves down. The speaker is an older white man who is in his seventies or possibly eighties. He has a tall, slim body with slim arms and legs. Sofi is surprised that he doesn't look very charismatic and that his voice sounds so fragile and weak.

He starts off with thanking everybody who have come today to listen. Both those at the stadium and those watching in their home congregations.

Sofi is trying to follow the speech as well as she can but she feels exhausted after eight hours of work and two hours of service. She feels disappointed in herself that she has a hard time making an effort to concentrate when a member of the governing body, guided by the holy spirit, has come to visit her home town. As often, she reminds herself that she is not as spiritually strong as she would like to think.

The topic of today's speech is "Stay close to Jehovah's organisation." The speaker explains different things that are important for keeping close to the organisation and untainted by the world. As often, the listeners are reminded how important it is to attend the meetings at the Kingdom Hall and to study the literature distributed through God's channel on earth: The Watchtower Bible and Tract Society,

And then, of course, there is the preaching work. Which is crucial and will save both those who perform it and those who listen to it. This work is actually so important that one is blood guilty if choosing not to participate in it.

"Because how can people be saved from the judgment that is coming if no one warns them? How can they have faith in what they have never heard of?"

Ten thousand serious faces are looking at him. Many nod in agreement. Everyone understands the seriousness of what is being said.

The mood gets a little bit lighter when he starts to tell them about positive things that have happened in the worldwide preaching work in the last year. About how people in many different countries have chosen the right path and come to the truth. And about how this truth is spreading to new territories so that "the desirable things of all the nations" will be gathered before the end comes.

Yes, Jehovah is truly blessing the hard work of the true Christians in these evil last days.

His expression suddenly becomes serious again.

"But the ruler of this world knows that his days are numbered, that he only as a very short time left to try to lure as many as he can away from God's pure organisation. To do this he uses many different methods that we need to be on our guard against. One of these is one that many have witnessed right outside this building today. I'm talking about apostates."

Sofi can see how Charlotte, who is sitting beside her, is biting her fingernails while anxiously listening to his words.

"Apostates! Mentally perverted human beings who not only abandon true worship but who also try to lure others out into this evil system of things! Be careful that they will not tempt you also to leave the truth! Because they will try to contact you. Maybe give you the impression that they simply want a discussion. Brothers, do not let them fool you! Avoid them! Do not read their blogs, watch their videos on YouTube or try to reason with them on Facebook. They have only one goal: to destroy your relationship with Jehovah!"

His expression goes from serious to upset.

"But do not be fooled into believing that these apostates are only out in the world. Even within the congregations there are people who have fallen for the temptation of having an individualistic and independent spirit and who spread teaching that go against the truths that have been revealed through God's representatives on earth."

He pushes back the thick eyeglasses that are about to fall from his nose.

"Friends..."

His voice has become friendlier, more soothing.

"We in the governing body love you. We truly care about your spiritual well-being. This is way we are deeply concerned about a trend that has started to grow in many congregations. We have been informed that it has become increasingly common that bible study groups are created outside the supervision of the organisation. Groups where people gather to, among other things, learn ancient Greek and Hebrew to double-check that what the organisation is teaching really is biblical."

He shakes his head and lets out an annoyed sigh.

"Friends, brothers... Do we really need to remind you that Jesus promised that he in the last days would appoint a faithful and discreet slave to rule over all of his human possessions? Is it then really wise to doubt and rebel against the ones Jesus himself uses to give to his people "food at the proper time"? In this last and evil days there is no work more urgent than the preaching work. So, we should trust Jehovah's organisation and focus on this life saving work instead of waste time with difficult, intellectual debates which have no other purposes than to fuel our own egos."

Charlotte's face has turned pale. Her eyes are filled with panic.

"Are you okay?" Sofi asks with a concerned whisper.

"Yes, I'm fine. I'm just a bit tired", Charlotte quickly assures her.

Sofi is not convinced but goes back to listening to the speech. Jehovah deserves her full attention.

### ***

The red numbers 02:17 are shining in the darkness. Sofi has taken a sleeping pill, counted sheep and even done push-ups in an attempt to make herself sleepy. But nothing is working tonight.

She keeps seeing Mia every time she closes her eyes. Mia with the big smile and the sparkle in her eyes so full of life and joy. Mia with her happiness and her laughter and her sorrow also sometimes. A sorrow with no name that she refuses to share and keeps away even from Sofi. The same one she will take with her back to her hometown tomorrow.

It's upsetting but Sofi knows that it's for the best. They are obviously a great danger to each other's spiritual health and in the long run, each other's eternal life.

Sofi makes a final attempt to make herself tired enough to fall asleep. She goes up from her bed and walks through the apartment's different rooms. From the bedroom to the kitchen to the living room and back again. Stepping to the rhythm of the pop song that is stuck in her brain.

Her body feels exhausted and it has for most of the day. It's most probable that it is Mia who is keeping her awake and not any lack of need to sleep.

So she concludes that what she should do is make herself think about something else. From the nightstand she takes the March issues of the Awake! and Watchtower magazines and starts reading. February is ending in just a couple of days, which means that it is time for her to study the literature for next months. The fact that Mia is moving away should be an excellent opportunity to focus more on the preaching more and work on her own spirituality.

Sofi starts to read an article about why the teaching of the trinity is wrong but her thoughts keep wandering away. The fact the she did not have the opportunity to properly say good-bye is what pains her the most. With all the thousands and thousands of people in the stadium, all of the smiling and laughing witness faces, they never found each other.

But it is probably for the best. Sofi concentrates on the article again and memorizes all the bible texts which are quoted so that she can show them to the people she will visit in the preaching work. Yes, she thinks, it's probably easier to part that way.

Other thoughts start to plague her. Thoughts that have nothing to do with Mia.

How can they have faith in what they have never heard of? These words have been hunting her all evening. She starts to worry more and more. Has she really done all she could to reach as many as she could with the good news of the Kingdom? Is anyone going to be destroyed because she could have tried harder?

It is a thought too heavy to bear so she starts to think about what she could do to have more time for service. The best thing would be to start working less, but she can't afford that. She could also move to a cheaper apartment but it will probably take a while before she finds a new, more affordable place.

With trust towards Jehovah, she closes her eyes and prays that he will help her find a solution. And then suddenly, before she has even said "in Jesus Christ's name", it comes to her. This whole time it was right in front of her eyes.

### ***

"Live with me."

"Sofi, it's four in the morning!"

"You're not listening to me. Live..."

"Don't stay in the stairway and shiver. Come in."

Mia let's her inside of the apartment and stares at her with eyes red from sleepiness and anger.

"I rode my bike here", Sofi explains and tries to get her breathing back to normal.

Mia becomes suddenly worried instead of angry.

"But why are you riding your bike here in the middle of the night? Did something happen?"

"No, there were just no busses at this hour."

"Uh-hum."

"I've found a solution. Hear me out: You don't want to go back to your hometown and I need more money each month to be able to afford becoming a full-time pioneer. But if you live with me, we can share the rent and it solves both our problems at once. What do you..."

Sofi's heart sinks like a rock when Mia shakes her head and sighs.

"It's not a good idea."

"Why?"

"You know why."

It's an excellent idea and a perfect solution. Sofi is convinced of that. Otherwise Jehovah would have never given her this answer while she was praying. But she can't explain that to Mia. She wouldn't get it. Sofi can tell by her sceptical expression that she wouldn't get it.

"Please, don't go."

Her voice is shaking and everything becomes blurry from the tears in her eyes. Then, suddenly, someone holds her tight in the midst of all the blurriness.

"You know it's better that way", Mia whispers in her ear. "You know we're not allowed..."

"Then we won't. We won't do anything we're not allowed."

The young woman holds her tighter in her arms and lets her rest her head on her slim but strong shoulder. Holds her until their bodies relax in a silent understanding.

## Chapter Five

They are only three and barely visible amidst all the blond curls. But here they are: Sofi's first grey hairs. And they bring back a memory of a day in July about thirty-two years ago. A day on which the sky was as blue as the eyes staring back at her in the bathroom mirror.

Her little brother Janne, who was six years old at the time, was playing soccer in the yard with his classmate Tobias while she was watching them. Suddenly, they all heard her mother's horrified voice coming out of the kitchen window.

"No! No! Are you kidding me?"

Curious and worried, they hurried there and looked in. Standing by the stove, her mother was running her fingers through her light brown hair and looking at herself in a pocket mirror.

"I'm starting to get grey hairs," she explained when she saw their worried faces. "You guys are so lucky you'll never have to go through this."

Relieved that nothing serious had happened, the boys went back to their game.

"We're never going to get grey hairs, that's what mum says. Because we're never going to grow old."

"What?" Tobias asked sceptically. "You mean like Peter Pan, or something?"

"Yeah, kinda. Because the new world will be here soon and then we'll be young forever. But first Jehovah is going to kill all the bad guys."

"Jehovah? Who's that? Some sort of superhero?"

Janne was so shocked by his friend's question that he completely missed the boll that was getting passed back at him.

"You don't know who Jehovah is?!"

Without waiting for an answer, he ran up to his room and came back with the children's book the organisation was giving out at the time.

They spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on the grass, looking through the pages while Janne explained how Jehovah would soon remove all the evil people in a big war so that the earth would become a paradise where all the children would get to pet all kinds of animals, even tigers since all the creatures would be peaceful in the new order.

Sofi smiles when she thinks about it. This was a time when Janne still loved the truth. That day he even gave the book to Tobias. Which did not make his parents especially happy. His father showed up at their home the very same night to return it. Sofi still has the unpleasant memory of Tobias' dad pointing at the drawings of Armageddon and yelling at her parents that they were sick in the brain and that someone should call child protective services.

"You're getting lost in your thoughts?"

Mia is standing next to her in the bathroom, brushing her long hair with violent strokes. Sofi forces herself back to the present.

While she continues to put on her mascara it hits her that it's the first time in years that she has thought about Janne. Talked to him, she hasn't done since he left the truth. That was seven years ago.

### ***

The sun is setting over the sea and colouring the sky red, pink and purple. The brothers are gathered around the grill while the sisters are moving between the kitchen and the terrace where the tables are set. A soft sea breeze is spreading a pleasant marine smell over the garden where Albin's barbeque party is taking place.

"It's so beautiful here," Sofi says.

"Yes, isn't it amazing? And there is an even more beautiful view from the living room. Come, I'll show you."

She follows Mia into the house and to the large living room windows with a view over the port. And through them the sky seems even more colourful and wide with the vast sea dancing under it.

There is an armchair near the window, along with a small table with a pile of books on top of it. Against the eastern wall of the room, there is a massive wooden bookshelf with even more books.

Sofi looks again at the little table and notices this time two framed photos. One of them is an old black and white wedding picture of a young couple she assumes are Albin's and Mia's parents.

The other one is of a little girl who looks to be about three years old and who's holding a doll in her arms while staring furiously at whoever is holding the camera. Sofi can't hold back her laughter when she realizes that the child is none other than Mia.

"Yeah, she had quite the temperament even at that age."

A deep man's voice behind them. It's Albin who is standing there with a bowl of popcorn and looks jokingly at his sister. Mia just rolls her eyes and ignores his comment.

He stands close to Sofi and casts a large shadow over her with his massive body which lives in this grey area between chubby and muscular.

"So, are you having fun?"

"I am. And the view here is amazing."

"Yes. Yes, it is."

He gazes pensively into the sunset which is slowly disappearing into darker colours.

"Sofi, while you're here... There is something I would like to ask you."

She holds her breath. Here comes the question she has been fearing for so long.

"Would you like to, sometimes, maybe, I don't now... What I'm trying to say is that I like you a lot as a person and wished that maybe, if you want, we could slowly get to know each other better."

"You mean courting."

She says the word he is afraid to but who hangs over her head like a threatening guillotine...

"Yes, exactly."

... which is now falling down. For a second it really does feel like she has stopped breathing. She looks discreetly at Mia, who is trying to seem uninterested but Sofi knows that she hates this whole situation.

"Okay."

Albin looks so moved that Sofi thinks he's going to cry.

"Wonderful! Truly wonderful! So, are you free tomorrow night?"

### ***

"I'm going to bed."

Mia doesn't say another word and shuts the bedroom door behind her. These are the first words she has said since they left Albin's house.

Sofi would like to follow her into the room and explain everything. But she can't really understand herself why she agreed to court with him. Besides, it would break their unspoken rules of never going into each other's room. One of many such rules they have silently agreed upon since moving in together.

From the hallway floor, she picks up today's mail: bills, advertisement and a clothing catalogue. Since the summer and the annual district convention are getting nearer, she figures she could use some new skirts and shoes. But it is neither skirts nor shoes she sees when she opens the catalogue at a random page. It is the picture of a beautiful female model in a crimson bikini which awakens another memory.

It was about a year after what happened with Tobias' dad, in the summertime. Her mother was stressed out like crazy, double-checking over and over again that they had everything they needed for the camping trip they were going out on before the district convention.

On a day when Sofi was in her room studying for the last math test before the summer, her mother suddenly opened the door and threw something on the bed.

"Pick a new swimsuit. The one from last year is probably too small now."

She then violently shut the door again and stressed on. What she had thrown turned out to be a glossy clothing catalogue. Sofi opened it to find new swimwear but found something else entirely.

With every new picture, her fascination grew. Not with what the women were wearing but with their bodies. Their breast. Their butts. Their curves and their glowing skin. And then: the legs.

She kept flipping through the pages and found a picture that stood out amongst all the others. It was of a female model in a red bikini that showed her stomach and navel. This little bellybutton Sofi felt was the most beautiful one she had ever seen. She touched it with her fingertips and moved them slowly further down over the voluptuous butt and the long legs.

The woman's hair was red, her eyes a deep green. They looked at her with such warmth that she wished that they always would. So, she cut out the page from the catalogue and hid it under her mattress. Every night, under several days, she took the picture from under it and looked at her.

At first she didn't understand what it was the woman was making her feel. But as the feeling grew, it became more and more obvious. When, eventually, this desire manifested in her very body, in between her legs, she knew.

She tore up the page in little pieces that she flushed down the toilet and promised Jehovah that she would never look at another woman this way. A promise she has never been able to keep.

The very same night that the green-eyed beauty disappeared down the sewer, the picture of her came back. It was permanently engraved in Sofi's mind and would never go away.

With shaking hands and in a half-awake dream about the bikini model's wet body in the hot sand, Sofi committed for the first time the degrading sin that would be her shameful secret for over thirty years.

Her sin isn't contagious through the air, like some airborne virus. She knows that. And Jehovah would never punish Mia for Sofi's transgression. She knows that too. But to do something so disgusting, so utterly perverted, as masturbating when Mia is in the same apartment, she simply cannot. How could she live with herself if she committed such a serious sin with the woman she loves so close-by? The very thought of that is enough to kill her shameful desires.

Sofi puts today's mail on the kitchen table, along with the clothing catalogue that brought back all those memories. Then she cautiously opens the door to Mia's room. It's a little cold in the room so she turns up the temperature on the radiator. Pulls up the blanket that's falling of Mia, who has already fallen asleep.

The sound of her breathing fills the room. Fills it with peace. Not too long ago, Sofi was convinced that Satan had sent Mia here to make them both fall. But she realizes now that it is her presence that eventually saved her from her very worst sin.

### ***

Mia has been avoiding her all day. She went on her daily jog right after breakfast but was away a whole hour longer than usual and she hasn't left her room ever since she came back. From times to times, the barely audibly sound of a book page being flipped is heard through the door.

The fact that she is, very understandably, upset doesn't make it easier for Sofi to ask what she now must ask. She knocks lightly three times on the door.

"It's open. Come in."

Mia is in her bed, lying on her stomach while reading a pocket book, and doesn't look at Sofi when she comes in.

"Albin and I are going out tonight."

"I know."

Sofi swallows nervously and continues:

"We haven't found anyone to be our chaperone. I told Albin that maybe we should cancel since it's Saturday night and everyone's busy. But he wanted me to ask you first."

Mia turns around and tries to look like she doesn't care. But Sofi can see the resentment in her expression.

"Sure. I can go with you."

"Thank you."

Sofi goes to her room to get prepared and tries to ignore her feelings of guilt while she puts on her most beautiful dress and prettiest earrings. She would like nothing more than to speak to Mia from the heart. But to do so she would have to bring up subjects that they have in a silent agreement decided to never bring up. As always, the best thing seems to be to let things be unsaid.

A half-hour later, Albin shows up at their doorstep with a bouquet of flowers for Sofi and an irritated look for Mia, who has not made much of an effort to dress up and just quickly put on a hoodie and a pair of skinny jeans.

They go all three to Avenyn, a large boulevard in the middle of the city, where they are going to spend the night at a fancy French restaurant. As always in the beginning of the month of May, there are rainbow flags flying all along the street and all over the city. West Pride, Gothenburg's annual Pride festival, will start in a week. This sinful festival that infuriates Sofi every single year.

She can't stand all this talk about so-called human rights. Humans have no rights as everyone is a sinner and deserves to die. So says the bible. And it is never right to live in a way Jehovah has forbidden, no matter how much pleasure and happiness it gives you.

But in the end all these parading sinners will be punished. She will survive into the new world but they will be exterminated by God. His wrath will be poured unto those who dared to be happy when he forbad them to. She finds it to be a comforting thought. Especially on a day like this when she is reminded of everything she has had to give up for the sake of the kingdom.

When they arrive the restaurant is full of music and life. Round tables with red silk tablecloth are arranged in a circle surrounding a dancefloor. On one side of it is a small five person music ensemble playing an upbeat waltz.

Mia orders fried frog legs and Sofi follows her example. She always feels a little bit extra courageous when they are together.

The evening moves along more easily than she thought it would. The mood is relaxed and they talk about regular things: the weather, how things are at work and of course Jehovah's witnesses' big summer convention.

Surprisingly, the frog legs are delicious with the tender meat and the Provençal herbs melting together perfectly in her mouth.

After the food has been eaten the night is still young. Albin wants to dance with Sofi so she fakes a flattered smile and follows him unto the dancefloor. He takes her hand in his big sweaty one and leads her into the waltz.

Although she makes sure to keep a distance between them, he still feels too close. His strong body odour finds its way into her nostrils. The man smell. As usual, she finds it quite unpleasant. Many times, she has wondered if regular women really like how men smell how if they just learn to live with it. This is one of these things she will probably never understand until Jehovah cures her from her problem in the new order.

Albin is exhausted after only one dance and he orders his sister to replace him while he rests for a while. Mia's sneakers make squeaky noises when she walks on the polished floor and she looks out of place among all the men in suits and the women wearing dresses.

She takes Sofi's hand in hers and gently leads her in the dance. They share a smile when they can't help but look deep in each other's eyes. Sofi looks back at their table to see if Albin noticed but finds to her relief that he's heading for the men's room.

The music ensemble starts playing a faster song and Sofi tries to keep up but it turns out to be harder than she thought in the high-heeled shoes she's wearing for the night. She stumbles and falls towards Mia who catches her and holds her in her arms while they share a laugh.

"Wow, Sofi! This French wine might have been stronger than you thought! Maybe we should sit down for a moment."

They sit by the table again and drink another glass of wine while they look at all the happy dancing people. They say nothing but share a warm smile from time to time.

Fifteen minutes go by but Albin is still not coming back.

"I hope he's not taking a dump. Then it's probably going to be a whole half-hour before we see him again."

Mia empties her glass and continues:

"Also, he hates mashed potatoes. He wants all his shirts ironed once a week and his clothes need to be cleaned with a special washing powder because he's allergic to all the other kinds. I figure it's this kind of stuff you need to know if you're going to be his wife."

She tries to seem nonchalant but Sofi can hear the sarcasm in her voice.

"I'm not going to marry Albin."

"Then what are you doing?" Mia asks exasperated.

"I don't know. I just... There has been several brothers over the years who have asked me if I wanted to court and I've always said no. But when you're almost fifty years old people think it's weird if you're not in a bigger hurry to get married. If I don't show the slightest interest people are going to be suspicious. And since we're two women living together all sorts of rumours could start going around."

Mia seems first relieved, then disappointed in her.

"Okay. It get it, I really do. But it's not fair to use Albin just so that you can pretend to be like everybody else. He really does love you, you know. I think it runs in the family, or something."

She stares down into her empty glass when she says the last sentence and doesn't look up. Sofi holds her breath. She doesn't know what to say and she probably shouldn't say anything. Not now. Not here, where someone could hear her.

Albin is coming out of the men's room to join them again. So she fakes a smile and welcomes him back.

### ***

The magazines, the bible, her cell phone, wallet and lipstick. Sofi is going through her purse to make sure that she has everything she needs before going out into service. Tigress comes to rub herself against her leg and meow. When she checks the cat's food bowl, she sees that it is empty.

Sofi didn't see Mia this morning but just assumed that she was out on her morning jog. But now it worries her when she sees that Tigress has not yet been fed. She slightly opens the door to Mia's room and peeks in. The curtains are closed and next to the bed is the bucket that is usually under the kitchen sink.

"I've got a migraine," a hoarse voice says in the dark.

Sofi sits down on the bed and puts her hand on Mia's cold forehead.

"You want some painkillers?"

"No, they don't help with this. But can you stay for a little while, please?"

She shouldn't. There is a reason why they avoid being in each other's rooms. It's the same reason why they make sure to not hug each other for too long and why they always put a pillow between themselves when they're sitting on the couch watching TV. But although she knows that she shouldn't, she does it anyway. Sofi gets under the warm blankets and lies down next to Mia. So close that she can feel her breath on her own cheek. For a while, she lies there quietly. She fights the impulse to hold her in her arms and instead watches Mia close her eyes and slowly fall asleep.

"I love you too."

Sofi whispers the words so low that she barely hear them herself. She regrets them as soon as Mia opens her eyes.

"But you're ashamed."

She smiles sadly and caresses Sofi's cheek.

"I wish that you could see that there is nothing to be ashamed of."

Sofi closes her eyes and focuses on the feeling of Mia's soft fingers against her skin. She feels tired. So horribly tired.

"Aren't you ashamed?"

Mia shakes her head.

"No. Never for loving you. How could it be wrong to love someone?"

Sofi has asked herself the same question for over thirty years. She has never been able to wrap her head around the fact that God doesn't like certain people's love. But he's not someone you can demand an explanation from.

"Maybe I'm not ashamed because I love you, but because of what I would like to do to you sometimes."

She can feel her cheeks turn bright red and she feels thankful that Mia probably can't see it in the dark.

"But why should people not be able to express their love?" Mia asks and sighs. "Doesn't the bible say that god is love?"

"'Whoever practices sexual immorality is sinning against his own body,'" Sofi quotes the apostle Paul, "and I don't want you to ever do anything that would hurt yourself."

Mia stops with her caresses and lays her forehead against Sofi's.

"I know. Do nothing that you think would hurt me. But if you ever feel like it's too hard to not do what you want with me, if it ever gets too frustrating... Just tell me and I'll go. I'll move out again. The last thing I want is to make your life difficult."

Sofi smiles at the thought that Mia would make her life harder. How could she possibly think that?

"Difficult? No, you help me breath. And live and feel. Before I met you I felt so empty. I don't know how I managed to live all these years without you."

Mia comes closer so Sofi lies down on her back and lets Mia rest her head against her chest. Lets her fall asleep, safely in her arms.

At the same moment, the bus that would have taken Sofi to the Kingdom Hall is driving away from the bus stop outside her building. She won't get any hours of service today. But she wouldn't want to miss this moment. Not for the entire world.

## Chapter Six

Sofi would never admit it but she feels relieved that the convention is finally over. After three days of sitting down in a crowded stadium and listening to speeches from nine in the morning to five in the afternoon with only one and a half hour lunch break in the middle of the day she is starting to feel very tired. Even Mia, who rarely lacks energy, seems to be exhausted. She struggles to keep her eyes open while she reads through the pizzeria's menu.

"So what do you guys think about this new understanding that the organisation has given us?" Nadja asks the little group which is gathered around the table.

"Very interesting," Sofi answers. "But I thought that this was already how the prophecy of the goats and the sheep was interpreted?"

"You did?" Tim asks and laughs. "Then you understood something must of us didn't get yet."

"No, no." Nadja says. "This understanding is completely new. But it will probably be explained more thoroughly in the new book we got."

Everyone around the table nods in agreement. There seemed to have been quite a lot of people at the assembly who didn't really get what the new understanding was but the organisation will most certainly, through the society's literature, help them to grasp the new meaning of the prophecy. And even if they did not understand it they can still completely trust the only organisation that Jehovah is using here on earth.

The mood suddenly becomes awkward. Sofi looks around to figure out what happened and sees Albin and Patrik at the counter. Patrik waves at them to say hi but Albin pretends he didn't see them. He orders two capricciosas and says that they will be back in fifteen minutes. Then the two men leave the restaurant without a word.

"He still doesn't speak to you?" Tim asks concerned.

Sofi shakes her head and sighs.

"No..."

"Then I'm going to have a little chat with him. Things can't go on this way. This is no way for a Christian brother to act."

"Thank you."

She goes back to reading through the menu and she has just decided to order a calzone when Nadja suddenly can't hold herself back from asking Sofi a question:

"But why did you break things up so early on? You guys had been courting for barely a month. It makes more time than that to get to know someone."

Nadja and her two sons look at her with curiosity. Mia acts like she hasn't heard and doesn't look up from the table.

"Maybe we don't need to have this discussion right now," Tim says when he sees Sofi's discomfort.

"No, it's okay. I can explain."

Now even Mia is looking at her, waiting for her answer.

"Well, Albin is very nice and above all very spiritual. That's the most important thing. But when I really thought about it I realized that if I married him I would probably have to give up being a pioneer. He really wants to start a family and I'm not sure that it would give me the time I need to do my very best in service. And with the end of this system of things getting nearer and nearer I really want to focus on what's most important. All the rest, marriage and family life, there will be plenty of time for that in the new order."

Nadja gives her a sceptical look and doesn't seem to really accept her explanation.

"Okay. I was just wondering. A month seems far too little time to decide whether or not you want to marry someone."

"But even if you had ended it for some other reason, that would be fine," Tim says. "Personally, I think that sisters should have the right to be a little bit choosy when it comes to finding a husband. After all, once they're married they have to submit to him. Possibly for the rest of their lives. But it's nice to see that you've got your priorities straight."

His wife looks like she disagrees and is about to say something when she is interrupted by little Mikael who is growing impatient and wondering when they're going to order. She lifts up her arm to call on the attention on the waiter and gives Mia a cold, scrutinizing look.

"Yes," she says. "As long as you've got your priorities straight."

### ***

"The weather outside is so beautiful today. It's feel weird that it's almost September."

Mia's is newly awake and her voice is hoarse. Sofi can't barely see her in the blinding light of the morning sun.

"Yes, it's still very warm for the season."

Sofi sits up in the bed and wipes the sweat from her neck. She looks at Mia who is sitting next to her in just a bra and bathing shorts. A little line of sweat is running down her naked stomach.

"Maybe we can go to the beach after you've been out in service. We should probably enjoy the summer while it's still here."

"I wasn't planning on going out in service today. I already got all my hours."

Mia laughs and caresses Sofi's hair.

"Really? You've done all ninety hours already?"

Sofi teasingly pushes her hand away.

"Eh, come on. Do you really have to bully me just because I'm trying to do all I can in service?" She answers and is talking about the fact that she persist in doing ninety hours per month when the organisation has decided that pioneers now only are obligated to do seventy.

Which Mia would not even know about if it wasn't for Sister Law, who has been a pioneer since the amount of hours required was one hundred and fifty and still does this exact amount every month.

"I'm not bullying you. I just don't get you always have to push yourself so hard. You're allowed to take it easy once in a while."

"Now is not the time to take it easy. The end of this system will be here soon. We have to do our best to find all those who can be saved. People's lives are at stake."

Mia kisses her shoulder and whispers softly:

"Sofi, honey... You're always so worried."

The feeling of Mia's lips on her skin gives her great pleasure. Which is precisely why she gets away from her and gets out of the bed.

"Please stop calling me that. If it becomes a habit you're probably going to end up saying it by accident when somebody can hear."

First Mia looks hurt. But then she also gets out of the bed and puts on a t-shirt and a baseball cap.

"Okay, I'm not going say it again. I promise. Now, let's go swimming."

### ***

The wet sand under her is cooling her body down. Also the cold sea waves which are flowing back and forth over her legs. Above her the sky is blue without even one cloud in sight.

Beyond the sound of the waves and of the sea breeze, she can hear the voice of a woman calling for her.

"Are you coming?"

Sofi stands up and watches Mia who is standing with the sea up to her hips. She then starts walking through the chilling waves and joins her friend who she jokingly splashes some water on. Which she immediately gets back for when Mia does the same to her and starts chasing her around. Sofi tries to get away but doesn't get very far before Mia catches up to her and hugs her from behind.

She holds hard onto Sofi, almost as she was about to wrestle her down but they stand completely still. Mia's naked breasts again Sofi's back. Neither of them is wearing a bikini top. So they enjoy each other's warmth in the middle of the cold water. They play with fire out in the sea.

"Do you want to swim to the island?"

Mia whispering in her ear. A warm breath in the breeze. Sofi looks back at the deserted beach where there are no other signs of human life than their footprints in the sand.

"Yes! Let's go!"

She gets away from Mia and runs a couple of meters before diving beneath the surface. When she comes up again, Mia is beside her. Swimming on her back, staring up at the sky. Her breasts are sticking up from the water like two small islands surrounded by her long black hair floating in the current.

They arrive at the island and let the sun dry their bodies before they try to climb the slippery rocks.

"Maybe I'm weird but I can't wait for fall. I can't stand this heat much longer," Mia sighs.

"Yes, it's been an insane heat wave this year. But you must have experienced much worst when you were in your home country."

"Home country..." She repeats the two words as if she didn't really believe in them. "Yeah, it was hot. And humid too."

"Do you even think about going back?"

"No," she answers with certainty and squints as she looks into the afternoon sun. "There isn't anything for me there. My whole life is here in Sweden: my family, my friends, my job... You know, I never even told my parents that I went back to Sri Lanka."

She squeezes water out of her hair and leans back against the rock.

"They wouldn't have understood," she continues. "Their attitude has always been that I should be so grateful that they brought me here. That I got to grow up in a nice family in a rich country and not in an orphanage. And above all because I most likely would not have gotten the truth otherwise. That's what my mum always says: 'If we had left you there, you would be a hinduist by now and worship fifty thousand gods!' But I didn't find what I was looking for in Sri Lanka so it doesn't really matter."

Sofi looks at Mia and tries to imagine what she would look like if she was twenty or thirty years older. Is this how she looks, the mother who gave her up for adoption over two decades ago? They most likely will never know.

Their skin is now dry so their start the walk upwards with their naked feet on the hot rock. After a couple of minutes they arrive at a little rectangle of grass hidden amongst the boulders. Here is the place which has been their secret haven most of this summer.

"You know what we should do someday?" Mia says. "We should borrow Albin's skiff, bring some drinks and food and have a picnic out here."

"That sounds like a great idea. But Albin can't come."

"Of course he can't, this island is our little secret."

Mia laughs and rests her cheek against Sofi's shoulder. Like she has done many time before. But this time something breaks inside of Sofi when their warm skin touch each other. She doesn't know how she know but realizes that now is the moment when the line will be crossed.

Before she has the time to think it through she has pressed her lips against Mia's. Their tongues dance around each other and with a trembling hand Sofi puts her hand against Mia's breast. It seems bigger in her palm than by sight and it teases her fingertips with soft skin.

Mia lies down and with a hand behind Sofi's neck, she pulls her down with her. The soft, green grass beneath them gently tickles their barely clothed bodies.

Their tongues continue their dance until Sofi stops to kiss Mia's neck instead. Then her ear and the earlobe that she sucks into her mouth. She kisses the collarbone. The breasts. Locks her lips around one nipple and sucks it before moving her mouth to the other one and sucking it until it becomes hard. She licks the sweaty skin and sticks her tongue in Mia's mouth again while the salty taste is still on it.

With a sure hand she pulls Mia's legs apart and lays her sex against hers. She thrusts it back and forth and feels how both their bikini bottoms, which had been dried by the sun, once more become soaking wet.

A thought crosses Sofi's mind that she should stop now before things go too far, that Jehovah is watching and becoming angry. But she chases it away like an annoying fly.

Beneath her, Mia is starting to shake. Her breath becomes shorter and Sofi starts thrusting against her harder and faster. Right until she hears her cry out in pleasure and feels her shake even more under her own body. Suddenly, she is surprised when she comes herself with a supressed cry against Mia's neck.

Then they lie there, with their bodies pressed tightly against each other. As if they couldn't stand even one moment of not feeling the other's skin against her own. Mia looks up at the sky and giggles.

"It sure took you a long time to kiss me back."

They share a laugh and kiss each other on the mouth one last time before they get up again to swim back to the beach.

When they arrive and get out of the water, they both at the same time notice something shining in the sand. Mia picks up the object, which turns out to be a half heart necklace.

"Isn't it one of those you by in two halves, keep one and give the other to the one you love?" Sofi asks.

"Yes," Mia says and looks over the bay. "Maybe somebody got their heart broken and came here to throw it in the sea."

### ***

Everyone in the Kingdom Hall can feel their hope sink when brother Meltzer gets up on the stage. The meeting has already been going on for ten minutes more than usual and now the man with the prayers legendary for being excessively long is going to end the meeting. Sofi forces herself to listen to all of it, even though the prayer goes on for a whole five minutes. She doesn't want to disappoint Jehovah by not paying attention.

"... and this prayer, heavenly father, we bring to you in Jesus Christ's name. Amen."

"Amen." The audience says in relief.

Sofi looks up at the clock on the wall and sees that it is ten at night. Many of the younger children have already fallen asleep on their mother's laps and everyone is looking forward to go home to sleep.

She goes to the ladies room and drinks a cup of water before leaving. But when she comes out again she can't seem to find Mia, who isn't waiting for her by the door or speaking to any of the brothers and sisters.

After looking around for a while she finally finds her by the entrance to the library. Tim and two other elders are talking to her with serious faces. One of them sees Sofi and comes up to her.

"You should probably go out and eat something. We want to speak to Mia for a little while. Come back in an hour or so."

His voice is friendly and warm, which she finds reassuring at first. But the fear in Mia's eyes haunts her all the way outside the Kingdom Hall.

She starts looking for a place to eat but she is far too worried to feel any hunger. So she keeps walking down the street for a half hour and then turns back again. The chilly wind that is blowing and the silent evening with its moon hiding behind dark clouds are giving her a feeling that something bad is about to happen.

She reminds herself that the elders can't possibly know what they did on the island. And did they even do anything, really? The reason Mia has been called to the elders must be something else entirely. But what?

When she is back at the Kingdom Hall over an hour has passed but they still aren't done talking. The same elder as before comes out of the library and tells her to come back in yet an hour. This time he doesn't sound friendly but more like annoyed and stressed. Sofi tries to look into the room but he holds the door handle with a firm grip.

Sofi goes to a café nearby and orders a cup of tea along with a pastry with some French sounding name. At this late hour no one is there except for her and the barista. She eats half of the pastry but leaves the rest. The worry is making her feel sick to her stomach and she can't get any more of it down.

After an hour she walks back to the Kingdom Hall and sits down by the doorstep. She plays the snake-that-eats-fruits game on her phone to pass the time. Sofi has just broken her record for the third time when the door finally opens.

"What happened?" She asks as soon as she sees that it is Mia coming out.

"I don't know..."

Her voice is barely a whisper. Her eyes, red from exhaustion and tears.

"Can we go home now?" She asks. "I just want to sleep."

The last bus that would have taken them home has left over an hour ago. The September wind blowing around them is cold and damp. They walk without saying a word and stare at the wet concrete that shines in the night.

"I'm going to be disfellowshipped."

It is Mia who breaks the silence. At first Sofi thinks that she has heard wrong. But then the words sink in.

"What? What do you mean?"

Mia stops and looks at her with a disheartened look on her face.

"Sofi, I can read Greek. Ancient Greek. I can read the new testament in its original language."

She sits down on a park bench and Sofi sits beside her.

"I started to learn it more as a hobby", she continues. "You know I like language and learning new things so I thought it would be fun..."

Despite the serious nature of the situation, Sofi can't help but smile. Mia is the only person she knows who would learn an ancient language because "it would be fun." She's brilliant that way.

"... and pretty soon I discovered that something was wrong with the New World Translation. Several words were translated wrong."

"But the organisation is led by imperfect men," Sofi interrupts her. "Sometimes even they make mistake."

"I know. But it's more complicated than that. They were translated wrong in a way that seem obviously deliberate. It was always in scriptures were the original text seemed to contradict the teachings of the organisation. When I realized something was wrong I called Albin. This was shortly before I moved here. He can ancient Greek too so I was wondering if he had discovered the same things I did. He had. So, when I moved here we started to study together the Greek scriptures more in-depth . The more we researched, the more obvious it become to us that the organisation not only do not have the truth but that they are deliberately trying to mislead people."

Sofi feels a salty taste in her mouth were tears have run down. Demons must have taken over Mia to make her speak like an apostate. There can be no other explanation.

"And then Albin told Patrik what we were doing. He knew this would interest him. You know that Patrik has been counselled by the elders several times for asking such sceptical questions. So he began to study the scriptures with us and even started learning ancient Greek. Then he told Charlotte what we were doing."

Sofi dries from her eyes the tears than are making the evening look hazy and turning the streetlamps into blurry balls of light.

"Is she the one who told the elders?"

"I think so. She didn't think we were doing anything wrong at first. We were just studying the bible. But then there was that speech from the governing body member. After that she started acting weird. She ended it with Patrik and started avoiding us. We thought that she would go to the elders then but nothing happened. The months passed and we thought we didn't need to worry anymore."

A little further away an elderly woman is looking through a garbage bin in searched of old bottles and cans. Her skin is heavily tanned by the sun and wrinkled. Her unkempt hair is surrounding her face like a fuzzy white veil.

"But why are you guys going to be disfellowshipped? For studying the scriptures?"

The old woman is walking towards them and looks with uncertainty at the bin next to their bench. She looks at them, deep in their eyes. Then at the bin again before she walks past them. The bottles and cans, in her big plastic bag, rattling in the night.

"Sofi, do you trust me?"

"Yes. Yes, I do."

A thought crosses her mind that she probably shouldn't, that Satan often uses people you love to trick you and make you fall. But she chases it away like it was just some annoying bug. She's getting good at doing that.

"You want to know the truth? The real truth?"

"Yes, of course."

Mia nervously clutches the shoulder strap of her purse and looks down at the wet park grass beneath their feet. Her whispering voice can barely be heard over the sound of the wind blowing in the tree branches above their head.

"We're not getting disfellowshipped because we studied the bible. We're getting disfellowshipped because we know too much."

## Chapter Seven

After having read the information about the need for donations for the Kingdom Hall renovation, Tim takes a deep breath and reads the news:

"Patrik Gonzales is no longer one of Jehovah's witnesses. Albin Larsson is no longer one of Jehovah's witnesses. Mia Larsson is no longer one of Jehovah's witnesses."

Just like that, speaking every word into the audience's hearts like small electric shocks. Sofi looks around to see the other's reactions. Some look sad, others enraged at the new apostates. But most show no emotions at all.

She accidentally meets Nadja's eyes, which are looking at her with suspicion and a hint of disgust. Sofi turns her head towards the stage again. There is forty-five minutes left before the meeting ends.

### ***

There are five of them. Five thick books which have been lying on her bedside table ever since Mia left them there three days ago. Sofi has yet found the courage to open them or even touch them. Three of them are written by apostates. The other two are about the bible but are not published by the organisation. All of them are tools that Satan uses.

Or so does the Governing Body say. Sofi allows a though into her mind: maybe they're wrong. She repeats to herself what Mia has told her many times before:

"If something is true it cannot be proven wrong."

Quickly, before she has the time to change her mind, she takes the book on the top of the pile, opens it at a random page and starts to read.

### ***

Sofi feels like some silly hooligan with the hood over her head. She hides her face deeper into her jacket and looks around. The street is empty and no one sees her, so she hastily opens the door to the apartment complex and runs up to the third floor. From the pocket of her jeans she takes out a key and opens the apartment door with the name Mia Larsson written on it. Although she is alone, she doesn't takes town the hood of her jacket before she has closed the door behind her. She knows very well what would happen if the wrong person saw her here.

It's the late afternoon and Mia will be home from work soon. Sofi decides to cook some diner while she waits for her. She opens the door to the kitchen balcony to let some fresh air in and looks unhappily up at the grey sky.

It feels like a sad and gloomy day and she wishes that they could go to one of their favourite restaurants in town. But she knows it not worth the risk. Someone could see them.

As far as anyone in the congregation knows, she and Mia haven't see each other since she was disfellowshipped and moved out. And this is how it must remain so that the elders will not find out about their continued relationship.

Sofi starts to pick out some vegetables from the fridge and hears the front door open. Mia takes of her jacket and purse and hangs them on a chair in the kitchen.

"Have you heard anything about Patrik?" She asks.

"No. Not since he went in two days ago."

"What do they say about him in the congregation?"

"Nothing. They don't talk about him."

Sofi wonders if anyone except for her, Mia and Albin are going to visit Patrik at the psych ward and if his parents know what happened. If they even care.

Like every day after work, Mia picks up her cell phone and goes into the bedroom. Sofi knows who she's calling. She also knows that they aren't going to answer.

Mia has tears in her eyes when she comes out of the bedroom again. She always has them after making that call but tonight she lets them run down her cheeks.

"They've changed number."

If there were any comforting words, Sofi would say them now but they know both very well that in this case there simply aren't any.

"It's okay, Sofi. I knew this would happen when I got disfellowshipped. How's your day been?"

Although it doesn't feel natural to talk about herself when Mia is going through so much, Sofi tells the news.

"I'm going to quit being a pioneer."

"Really?" Mia says surprised. "Any particular reason?"

The heavy dark clouds outside finally let their rain fall over the neighbourhood. Sofi sits down on a chair and tries to formulate an answer but all the words get mixed up in her head and she can't make sense of anything.

"Did you read the books I gave you?"

Sofi only leans back sadly in her chair as an answer. She feels so tired and empty. Like one probably does after many years of fighting yourself.

Mia sits down beside her and caresses her hair to comfort her. The simple touch is all that is needed. Sofi sinks down from the chair, unto the floor where Mia follows her and doesn't let her go. Uncontrollably, Sofi starts to sob and weep. Her whole body is shaking.

"It's okay." Mia says. "Just let it out. I know what you're going through. But it will get better, I promise."

"I've wasted my whole life."

"No, no. Don't say that." She whispers softy. "You did what you believed was right. That's what most people try to do. You've got so much time left, so many amazing things to experience."

Sofi can feel the panic rising. How the angst is tightening around her chest like a belt. For the first time in her life she must come to terms with the fact that her days will end. That darkness and emptiness will follow. Her whole existence will disappear, like a little dot into a universe of time and nothingness.

She breathes deeply, gasps desperately for air.

"No... No."

"Everything's going to be okay. I'm here. Just breathe."

So Sofi closes her eyes and focuses on breathing calmly. She loses herself in the smell of Mia's skin, which smells like only she does. Sofi closes her eyes to shut out this world which seems to have lost all meaning.

### ***

"Yes, hello?"

Sofi can hear by the voice answering that she has called the right number. It's Janne.

"Hi. It's Sofi. Your sister."

The cell phone is burning hot against her ear and slippery in her sweaty palm. She waits for an answer by doesn't get any.

"Hello? Are you still here?"

"Hi! Yes, sorry. I was just in shock. It was such a long time since we talked."

"Yes", she says and tries to hold back her tears. "I'm sorry that I... How are you?"

"Good. I still live in Halmstad and still work at the bakery. What's happening in your life? Are you still working for Tim's company?"

Sofi is just about to answer when someone knocks on the front door.

"Janne, I think someone's coming. Can I call you up again in a while?"

"Wait! I just want to say something."

She prepares herself for him to tell her what a bad sister she has been who hasn't called him in years. But he says something else entirely.

"Sofi, I just want to say that if you are in the same situation I was in seven years ago I know that you are probably asking yourself if it's going to be worth it. To leave this life that's the only one you've ever know. And I can assure you that it is. I had no idea that someone could feel as happy and free as I do now. I'm not going to lie, it's going to be tough. But I promise that's it's going to be worth it."

The knocking on the door get louder and more frequent. Whoever is behind the door is growing impatient.

"Thank you." She says for lack of a better answer. "I'll call you later. Bye for now."

An elderly couple, who look to be in their seventies, is waiting behind the door. As she is observing them through the peephole she wonders if they are some of Mia's worldly friends. But because of the man's appearance, his bulky shape and his thick red eyebrows, she suddenly realizes who they are. She hurries to Mia who is sleeping in the bedroom and wakes her up.

"Your parents are here."

Mia rapidly puts a pair of short and a tank top on her naked body and runs out into the hall. Without hesitating even one second she opens the door.

"Hello. Can we come in?"

The man's dark, commanding voice makes the question sound more like an order. Mia lets them in and shows them into the kitchen.

"I think I should probably go home now, I..." Sofi says.

"No, it's okay." Mia replies and pulls out a chair for her at the kitchen table. "Anybody wants coffee?"

She looks scared, like she did on the night she was questioned by the elders. The expression in her eyes when she looks at Sofi seems to beg for her to stay.

"No, thank you. We won't be here long. You probably know why we're here."

It's the man who is speaking for them. Sofi still feels a little bit shocked over how much he looks like his son. If it wasn't for the fact that he lacked the same kind eyes and soft spoken ways, he would look like a thirty years older version of Albin.

"Yes, I think I know."

Mia's parents have not gone further into the kitchen than to the door opening. They look with faked indifferent faces at the two women sitting at the table. This is probably what they call poker face.

The man clears his throat and nods.

"We just came here to say goodbye and to ask you to stop trying to contact us. You've made your choices and you knew the consequences."

"My choices? What choices? What did I do that was so wrong?"

"We didn't come here to discuss that", he sighs.

"So you're not going to let me explain?"

"No. There is nothing to explain. We already know what the truth is. We trust the faithful and discreet slave even if you have your own personal reasons not to."

Mia shakes her head and gives them a confused look.

"What? What do you mean personal reasons?"

A disdainful snort is heard. It's Mia's mother finally ending her silence.

"Yes, we get what this is all about. We're not stupid, you know. We understood a long time ago that you had certain... tendencies."

Her eyes are wide open. She starts breathing more and more intensively.

"And you need to get one thing straight: that you chose to leave the truth to live an immoral lifestyle, that's one thing. But that you also choose to lure others into the world, that's another thing entirely! It's the same thing Satan did when he made other angels follow him in rebellion. It's exactly the same thing!"

She has come up to the table. Her little frail body is shaking with rage. Suddenly, she turns toward Sofi.

"Is this your girlfriend? Is she the one you do disgusting things with? Is she?"

Her face is just a couple of inches from Sofi's. She is so close that Sofi can see the drool in the corner of her mouth.

"Disgusting! Disgusting! Disgusting!"

She slams her fist on the table every time she repeats the word so that the glass of water standing on it jumps up and down, splashing water all over the tablecloth. Mia's father tries to calm down his wife and escorts her out of the kitchen.

"Wait here for a bit, honey. Just take it easy, okay?"

He closes the door behind him and looks at Mia who is sitting and staring emptily down at the table. She swallows nervously and tries to hold still her shaking hands.

"Don't listen to her, Mia. It's just been too much for her lately. When both you and Albin... It was hard on her."

He seems uncertain for a second but then sits down at the table and hides his face in his hands.

"Why did you have to think so much? Why couldn't you just accept the guidance that was given to you?"

"We didn't mean to go against the organization", Mia says. "We just wanted to learn. Don't you always say that knowledge is something one can never have too much of?"

He looks up and out the window. A light rain is falling against the glass.

"This is all my fault. I taught you to trust your own minds instead of God. This is why things turned out this way."

Mia opens her mouth to say something but is too shocked to get a word out. Her father starts going towards the door, but suddenly turns around and goes back to hug his daughter. He holds her for several minutes and when he lets her go both have tears in their eyes.

To hide his own, he turns his head away and starts going towards the door again. Before leaving, he looks at his daughter one last time.

"You knew what would happened when you left Jehovah. You chose this, Mia."

### ***

###

They haven't done anything with each other since that day on the island. Afterwards, Sofi had tried to convince herself that what they had done wasn't sex. They had just rubbed their bodies against each other and things had happened.

Today, she doesn't know anymore. She finds it hard nowadays to feel like she knows anything at all.

Mia is lying next to her and turning and twisting restlessly. It's one in the morning and she hasn't slept well in several days. She doesn't have much of an appetite either and Sofi hasn't been able to convince her to eat more than a sandwich a day.

But on this particular day she seems to start feeling a little bit better. She has slowly started smiling again and even laughed at Sofi's silly jokes.

So they lie here now and look at each other with tired eyes. Sofi kisses her lightly on the lips and Mia responds by pushing her down on the bed and sitting on top of her.

Tigress, who has been lying down by their feet, gives them a superior look like cats usually do and jumps of the bed. Leaving them alone together to fully explore each other bodies for the first time.

Sofi lies still and lets Mia take off her nightgown. She closes her eyes and focuses on the pleasure of feeling Mia's lips moving all over her body. Her tongue travels everywhere without fear. Her fingers caresses the inside of Sofi's thighs and move slowly upwards until they are deep inside of her.

Mia starts to move them in and out. Sofi can feel herself on the verge of orgasm so she tries to calm her body down but the pleasure she has longed for so long is simply too much to resist and she comes, soaking Mia's beautiful hand.

Sofi catches her breath for a second, swallows her disappointment over coming so soon and turns her attention to the other woman's body. To her soft skin which she kisses everywhere and which smells like only she does. She moves slowly downwards, leaving wet kisses all the way down her stomach.

Before going any further, she looks up at Mia who nods in approval. So, Sofi puts her mouth against her already moist sex. She starts to lick it and enjoys its taste. Her taste. Sweet and slightly sour on her tongue.

She repeats the motion over and over again, sometimes sticking her tongue inside of Mia, while listening attentively to her breathing. When it becomes shorter and faster, she locks her lips tighter around her and starts to suck. First gently. Then harder, until she feels Mia's fingers violently pulling her hair and her voice moaning in pleasure.

And so they lie there, their bodies relaxed and their eyes looking lovingly at each other. Mia caresses embarrassed Sofi's hair.

"Sorry, I hope that didn't hurt too bad."

Sofi responds with a smile and a kiss and by pressing her naked body against hers again. The night is not yet over and neither is their lust.

### ***

Sofi feels a slight pain, like a pinch, on her upper arm. She scratches the spot and realizes that it is Tigress who is nibbling on her skin. The cat purrs and bites some more before letting go. Sofi rolls over unto Mia's side of the bed which is empty and where the sheets are now cold. She gets up and opens the window to let the sun in. It is unusually warm outside for an October day.

While closing her eyes and enjoying the feeling of the sun on her skin, she smiles. Through the open bedroom door she then looks into the hallway and notices that Mia's running shoes are gone.

So she lies down on the bed again, pulls the blanket over her head and falls asleep in the sheets still smelling of her lover.

## Chapter Eight

Sofi takes an old bill which is lying on the table, turns it over and leaves a message to Mia who hasn't yet come back from her morning jog:

I'm going home to wash my work clothes. See you again tonight. I love you. Sofi.

She makes sure that the stove is turned down and that the cat's bowl is full before running down to the bus stop. It has been a couple of days since she has been home and she looks forward to relaxing in her own apartment for a couple of hours.

But on arrival she runs into Tim and Nadja who are waiting for her at the entrance to the apartment complex. She says hi and gives them a smile. They smile back but something feels fake about the way they do it. Especially Nadja.

"Hello, Sofi. Can we speak with you a bit?"

Tim puts his hand on her shoulder and squeezes it lightly. The question is not a question.

So she lets them inside the apartment, turns on the kettle and runs down to the laundry room to put her dirty work clothes in the washing machine.

She has just pressed the start button when she suddenly remembers what is in her living room. Panicked, she runs up the stairs as fast as she can and hurries into her apartment where she takes the apostate book of the coffee table and hides it in a drawer before Tim and Nadja even notice that she is back.

They are sitting in the kitchen and have put a bible and an old issue of the Watchtower magazine in front of them. Sofi's suspicions as to why they are here seem to be correct.

"Sofi, you do know that we love and care about you?" Tim says while she pours hot water into their tea cups.

She nods, unsure as to what she is supposed to respond. With a bit of a guilty conscience she thinks about the kind of literature she has been reading in the last couple of weeks. It would breaks their hearts if they knew about it.

"We have been worried about you lately." Nadja explains. "You've been missing more and more meetings and even service, which you love so much."

When she hears Nadja say it, Sofi realizes that she has actually never loved doing service. Or even liked it. To her it was always something you do out of duty, like cleaning your house or paying taxes. She actually feels relieved that she's never going to have to do it again.

"You and Mia where close friends and when someone you care about chooses to abandon Jehovah..."

Tim seems to disappear into his own thoughts for a second. Maybe he is thinking about his own disfellowshipped mother that he hasn't seen in almost twenty years.

"Anyway... We've been thinking about you a lot and we've even found a Watchtower article from last year that we think might help you. What do you say we read through it together?"

Even if she knows that they are trying to guilt trip her for being less active in the truth, she also knows that they are doing it because they care about her. In their mind they are trying to save her life. For their sake she agrees to study the article, which has the title: "Stay close to Jehovah, the one who hears prayers."

The topic is how praying can help someone when they are going through hard times. Several examples from the bible are discussed. Among others that of the righteous man Job, who had to suffer so much despite not having done any wrong. It reminds Sofi of Mia, who is now treated by the congregation like a servant of the devil despite never hurting anyone.

But it is when Tim reads aloud from Psalms 56:8...

"You keep track of my wandering. Do keep my tears in your skin bottle. Are they not recorded in your book?"

... that she no longer can hold back her tears. She hasn't yet allowed herself to mourn him, Jehovah. She doesn't know if she believes in a god anymore but she cannot believe in him. On one hand it makes her feel relieved and so much freer. But on the other hand she feels like she just lost her best friend.

He was always there when she needed him. He listened to her prayers and comforted her through his written word. Sure, he was cruel and oppressing but for many years he was the only one who knew about her struggle. And now he's gone.

Tim puts a comforting hand over hers and Nadja gives her a napkin to dry her tears. They really do care about her but she could never talk about this with them. It would break their hearts.

When she thinks that she can't possibly feel any worse, she notices the book that is lying next to Nadja's tea cup. She hadn't noticed it before because an old magazine is lying on top of it and the spine of the book is turned towards the window. But there it is, the apostate book with a big A, the worst of the worst: Crisis of Conscience by former governing body member Raymond Franz.

If they see it, it's over. There is no way that she could explain this away.

"I think I need some fresh air. Do you guys mind if we go outside for a while?" She asks in hope of making them leave her apartment.

Luckily, they agree and they go all three to sit down on a bench by the playground right outside the building.

Two small children with runny noses are playing in the sandbox and decorating castles of sands with twigs and leafs. Just like Sofi and Janne used to do when they were little. She realizes now how much so has missed him this last seven years.

"Are you coming to the meeting tonight?" Nadja asks.

"I don't think I have the energy to go anywhere today."

"But, Sofi! You can't be missing meetings. It's not going to help you feel better."

"I know. I'm just really exhausted today. But I'll be there on Tuesday."

"Okay." Nadja says and sighs, obviously disappointed. "Do you promise?"

"I promise."

Tim looks at his watch and tells his wife that they should go home now if they want to have time to eat lunch and get ready for today's meeting.

Nadja and Tim give her a long, affectionate hug and then finally leave. But not before making her promise one more time that she will be at the next meeting.

Alone at last, Sofi leans back on the bench and sighs in relief. It's yet another day when she has managed to not get caught. She wonders how long it's going to last before she does.

### ***

###

For the second time today Sofi runs as fast as she can up a flight of stairs. She has been longing for Mia all day. To hold her close and feel her soft lips against her own. And tell her how much she loves her.

But when she pulls down the door handle she realizes to her surprise that the door is still locked. She knocks and waits but no one opens.

Mia has probably just gone down to the store, she thinks to herself, and unlocks the door. Inside the apartment, all the lamps are turned off.

Suddenly, she feels something touching her leg in the dark. She jumps up in surprise but realizes as she turns on the light that it is just Tigress welcoming her back.

In the kitchen, the note that she left this morning is still exactly where she left it. Everything else in the apartment, from today's newspaper on the coffee table to the cell phone charging in the bedroom, is right where she left it.

And in the hallway, Mia's running shoes are still missing.

"She probably ran into a friend when out jogging. She's probably going to be here any minute. There is no need to worry." Sofi tells herself.

But she knows that if this was the case, Mia would have at least texted her. This is just not like her.

She calls Mia on her cell and lets it ring for about a minute but no one answers so she sends her a text.

Where are you? I'm starting to get worried. Please call me.

Sofi is tormented by images from the night when Mia's parents were here. Like her mother's face distorted by rage and disgust. The tears in the father's and his daughter's eyes. And how she herself just sat there, lost for words, without ever taking the woman she loves in defence.

If anything has happened to Mia, there is no way she will ever forgive herself.

Ten minutes pass without her phone ringing so she decides to call Albin.

"Hi, it's Sofi. It was just wondering if..."

He hangs up as soon as he hears her name. She could call him again but she is fairly sure that he will still refuse to talk to her. Instead she starts writing a text telling him to stop being childish and that she just wants to ask if he knows where Mia is. But right before she is about to hit send, her phone rings. Mia's number blinking on the screen next to a photo of her by the sea.

"Hi, where are you? I was starting to get really worried."

"Hi, sorry. I was going to call you earlier but I fell asleep."

"Fell asleep?"

"Yes, I'm on a train. I..."

She stops talking for a second. Sofi can hear her breathing and the sound of people chatting and laughing around her.

"I need to be by myself for a while. Just a couple of days. It's been too much for me lately and I need some alone time to think things through."

"But where are you going?"

Sofi tries to not sound angry but she can't help feeling annoyed that Mia is suddenly acting so strange.

"Dalarna. A friend of mine has a cabin up in the hills that I get to use when I want. Sorry that I took off like that. I just really need to go there for a while and recharge my batteries."

There is sadness in her voice even if she tries to sound calm and content.

"Okay. Take all the time you need. But please stay in touch. You know you can talk to me about anything, so don't hesitate to call me if you want to talk. And don't worry about the cat, I'll take of her."

"Thank you. Yes, I know. I just really need to be myself right now. But just so you know, there isn't any electricity in the cabin. So I won't be able to charge my phone before Thursday when I'll go down in the valley to visit a friend. I'll call you then."

Sofi feels sad that she won't hear her lover's voice until four days from now. She shakes her head, annoyed with herself. Why does she have to be so childishly is love all the time?

"Okay. Talk to you on Thursday then."

"Absolutely. I love you."

"I love you too, honey."

They hang up and Sofi notices now that Mia's backpack and everyday shoes are also gone from the hallway. Did she leave her during the night? Did she leave her there, naked and still wet?

Sofi takes off her sweaty clothes, steps in the shower and turns on the spray. Cold water.

### ***

Two days go by. Monday. Tuesday. Sofi cleans at work, cleans at home. Reads a lot to pass the time and even go out in service in an effort to chase away suspicions. In the evening, she goes to bed early. Fantasises about Mia and masturbates in the dirty sheets that still smell of her.

On Tuesday evening she goes like she promised Tim and Nadja to the meeting at the Kingdom Hall. The brothers and sisters there have suspicion in the eyes, suspicion in their voices. She pretends like she doesn't notice and daydreams through the meeting. Fantasizing about the island, their island, and hot summer days.

The voices of the speakers are barely audible to her and are more like some slightly annoying background sound. From time to time, she smiles at their strange opinions and weird logic. She wonders how she could ever believe this nonsense. Sofi from some weeks ago feels like a stranger. The Sofi of today is like one who has woken up from a dream.

Early Wednesday morning, while it is still night, she wakes up coughing and realizes that she is sick. And maybe it's the fever or maybe she's just come to the point where she's got enough. She takes a pen, two sheets of paper and two envelopes and starts writing two letters.

One is for her parents, the other one will be sent to the Kingdom Hall.

She rewrites the letter to her parents several times and tries as well as she can to explain why she can no longer believe in what the organisation is teaching. But she can't find the right words. No ones are can spare them the pain of losing their only daughter to "the world".

She knows that she should feel bad about it. But right now all she can feel is relief.

For now, she puts this letter aside. It's going to be at least two weeks anyway before the news will be official after the elders get the other letter. In it she simply writes:

I, Sofi Maria Järvinen, wishes to no longer be a Jehovah's Witness.

### ***

Thursday afternoon. Sofi wakes up suddenly from anxious dreams. Immediately, she looks at her cell phone to check if Mia has called but sees to her disappointment that she hasn't.

She puts a hand on her forehead and realizes that her fever is gone. To celebrate her new-found health and to do something with her restlessness, she decides to takes a walk in town.

Before leaving, she puts the letter to the elders in her purse. It's uncertain if she will find the courage to post it today. Or ever.

There is a light rain outside but the sun is shining. It reminds Sofi of wet summer days and refreshing sea breezes on the island.

She realizes that she has forgotten to pull the hood of her jacket over her head but comes to the conclusion that she no longer cares. If someone from the congregation was to find out that she still sees Mia it would make her exit from the congregation so much faster.

As she arrives at the city centre she suddenly feels in the mood for a cappuccino. She starts looking around for a place that might sell some and finds a little café, barely noticeable amongst all the large clothing stores.

The name Colors Café & Bar is written on the front door and a rainbow flag hangs over it. With a pounding heart, she opens the door and walks in only to find that the place in almost empty except for the bartender and two people sitting at the bar.

Sofi sits down next to the person who looks the least threatening: a young woman who is sitting and drinking tea while writing in a notebook. She is not very beautiful but there is warmth in the big green eyes who are looking at her when she smiles at Sofi.

An elderly man with a short grey beard and thick glasses is sitting next to the woman. Sometimes he looks around, sometimes he peeks over her shoulder to see what she is writing. His eyes are bloodshot and his nose bright red. He's drunk.

"What's your name, sweaty?" He asks suddenly and half lays down on the counter in front of her.

The woman, who is wearing a kaki green tank top, points at the shoulder that Sofi from where she sits cannot see and says in an annoyed voice:

"You don't know what this means, do you?"

The man shakes his head in confusion and sulking like a child, goes to sit at a table further away.

Now free from her irritating admirer, the woman goes back to her writing. She adds a couple of line to the lined paper before turning to Sofi and shaking her hand.

"Hi. My name's Amanda. I don't think we've met."

"Hi, I'm Sofi. No, it's the first time I'm here."

Now that she if facing her Sofi can see what Amanda what pointing at earlier: a large black tattoo of a double headed axe. Just like the man with the grey beard, Sofi has no idea what it means.

"Awesome! Since it's your first time here, I'm buying. What are you in the mood for? Tea, coffee, beer?"

"Thank you. A cappuccino would be great."

Amanda smiles in approval and orders from the handsome, muscly bartender who is standing behind the counter.

"So, what are you writing?" Sofi asks Amanda in an effort to start a conversation.

"A book. Or at least that's the plan."

"Wow, how cool! What is it about?"

"Love. The forbidden kind."

She smiles sadly and looks away. The later she seems to do a lot. If it's from shyness or restlessness or maybe even a mix of the two, Sofi is not sure.

So, love. Of the forbidden kind, too. Sofi looks at the young woman. At her spiky black hair, her baggy clothes and ink stained fingers. The two of them have probably next to nothing in common but she can't help but wonder about her life. What is the story of this sad love she is writing about? Is someone loving her now, waiting and longing for her in warm sheets at home? Who is she when she isn't sitting and writing in an almost empty bar on an ordinary week day?

"Life without love is like a tree without blossoms or fruit." Amanda says, ending her melancholic silence. "It's a quote from the poet Kahlil Gibran. I think about it a lot."

She takes a sip from her tea and continues:

"People aren't always as open-minded as you would hope. Even in Sweden, believe it or not. Some people think they have the right to look down on other people's love and make our lives hard. Sometimes you might even think about giving up on your love because of it. But it's not worth it. A life without love is not a life. When you stop loving, you stop living."

### ***

The rain is pouring down over Gothenburg, hitting the pavement with a quick rhythm. People are hurrying into the buildings nearby or opening their umbrellas to protect themselves from the downpour.

Only Sofi is standing still, with her arms wide open and her face turned towards the sky. Passers-by probably think that she has lost her mind but she doesn't care. She closes her eyes and focuses on the feeling of the cold raindrops falling on her. Breathes in the moist, fresh air and opens her eyes again.

Thunder is heard in the distance so she decides to walk back to the bus station. But she does not hurry or try to protect herself from the rain which is wetting her hair and clothes and making them stick to her skin.

She looks at the empty streets, at nothing in particular, and suddenly notices a mailbox. Since yesterday she has been wondering how and when to make her exit from the organisation. The best thing would be to move to another city first and also quit her job at Tim's company and find a new one.

But standing here now, shaking in the pouring rain, she makes a decision: not another day. She pick up the letter from her purse and quickly, before she has the time to change her mind, puts it in the mailbox.

"A life without love is not a life." She whispers to herself.

As the letter falls down into the box, she is overwhelmed by a sudden desire to run. She starts running towards the station, her footsteps echoing in the now empty streets. A wonderful restlessness seems to have taken over her body and is pushing her forward. Her feet step in big puddles. With water filled shoes she continues to hop away. If she didn't know any better she would be certain that her feet carried her like wings. Never in her life has she ever felt so light. Today, she is finally free.

## Chapter Nine

It is a shocking sight Sofi sees in the bathroom mirror. Her hair is greasy and sticks to her forehead which is just as greasy. Two dark circles are under her tired eyes.

It's Sunday morning and she has not showered or slept properly since Thursday evening. She should probably wash up now but she worries that Mia will try to contact her while she is in the shower.

And just when she thinks this thought, her phone starts to ring. But it is not Mia calling. It's Albin.

"So, I just finished calling all her friends in Dalarna," he tells her, "and they haven't seen her."

Sofi can hear the anxiety in his voice. By now, he is a just as worried as she is that something has happened to Mia.

"I also called her friend that has that cabin and she says Mia hasn't been there. She said that they haven't talked to each other in weeks."

Sofi feels suddenly weak and needs to sit down on the toilet seat.

"I don't get this. I don't understand why she would lie to me like that. Did you see if she posted anything new on Facebook?"

"No, nothing. But I posted a message on her timeline."

"Her what?"

"Her ti... It's a message all of her friends can see. So now they know that we're looking for her. Are you sure it was on Thursday that she was supposed to call you?"

"Yes, I clearly remember that she said Thursday. This is really bad. Something must have happened. We should call the police right now. We should have called them on Friday already."

She turns on the faucet to drink some water. Her head is spinning and she feels dizzy.

"Yes, yes we should. I'll do it right away and in the meantime you can try to get some sleep. Take a sleeping pill if you have to but you can't keep making yourself sick like that. Please rest a little and don't worry. We are going to find her."

A memory from their first date comes to her mind. He really does love you, you know. That's what Mia said and when she hears the concern and tenderness in his voice it becomes obvious to her that it is true. And all she did was use him. No wonder he has been refusing to talk to her.

After they hang up, she takes a quick shower and a sleeping pill and follows Albin's advice to try to rest. She tosses and turns for a bit but eventually the pills start to work.

Despite all her worry she manages to get a couple of hours of sleep before suddenly being awoken by someone knocking on the front door. When she opens it she discovers to her surprise that it is Horse who is standing there. Without make-up and with half of their piercings gone they almost look ordinary. Below the temples they have what looks like some light stubble. Which seems to answer the question that Sofi has been asking herself about them. But then again maybe not.

"I saw what Mia's brother wrote on her timeline. We need to talk."

They both sit down in the living room and Sofi wonders if maybe she should offer them a cup of tea but concludes that they are both probably too worried right now to think about refreshments.

"First of all, I want to say that I don't know where Mia is. It's not why I'm here. If I knew I would not hesitate to tell you."

Tigress has lied down on Horse's lap. They gently but nervously pet her soft fur, almost as to calm themselves down.

"Like I said: I don't know where she is. But I think I know who might."

The effect from the sleeping pill has not completely worn off and Sofi has been feeling a bit groggy. But now she suddenly feels wide awake. This is the first sign of hope that she's had since Thursday evening.

"Really? Who?"

"Leila. Her ex."

Horse doesn't realise at first what a revelation they have made but quickly understands it from the shocked look on Sofi's face.

"You thought... "

"That I was her first love? Yes."

"Sorry, I didn't mean to..."

They look deeply embarrassed as their cheeks turn red.

"Well now that you know... Leila. They dated back when Mia lived in Stockholm some years ago. They loved each other a lot but they broke up when Leila got enough of hiding their relationship. She wanted to live openly but Mia wasn't ready yet to leave the religion, her family... You know, everything."

Sofi is still worried sick for Mia but at the same time can't help but be irritated at her. She lies and disappears. Doesn't tell her about former lovers. What more is she hiding?

"They still kept in touch and were still a part of each other's lives. I've never met the girl myself but Mia very often talked about her."

Except with me, Sofi thinks to herself and bites her tongue not say it out loud.

"If anyone knows where Mia is or why she would suddenly disappear this way, it's that girl."

Horse picks out a post-it note from the pocket of their jeans and give it to Sofi. On it is an address in Stockholm.

"Some weeks ago, Mia asked me to send Leila a package with some make-up samples she wanted to try. She gave me this address. I tried googling it but I can't find a phone number or a last name. So I thought maybe we could drive there. I've got a car and if we leave now we could be there before tonight."

Sofi looks at the little yellow paper. The handwriting is Mia's and on top of the address is the name Leila, with a little heart instead of a dot on top of the i.

"You should report this to the police," she says. "We reported her missing this morning."

"I will. But I thought I should tell you first. I have more faith in you than the cops when it comes to finding her."

"Me? Why?"

Horse shrug their shoulders and smile.

"Because love never gives up."

### ***

Sofi's heart starts to beat faster as soon as she knocks on the door. She knows that Leila could be their biggest chance to find Mia. But at the same time she feels anxious about meeting the person that could very well be her biggest love rival. Not that she ever thought she would have one of those.

Though the person who opens the door doesn't look very threatening. She is a young woman in her early twenties with big blue eyes and long blond hair in a braid.

"Hi. Are you Leila?" Sofi asks to make sure that they've come to the right place.

"Yes, that me. Who are you?"

"We're friends of Mia."

Sofi isn't sure how she should tell her the news so she decides to just say it.

"She's gone missing."

Leila looks like someone just knocked the air out of her. She rests her hand against the wall and takes a deep breath.

"Come in."

Sofi recognises the smell that greets them in the hallway. Pumpkin ginger soup. It's one of Mia's favourite dishes and one she often cooks. Maybe she learned the recipe from Leila. For some reason she barely understands herself, it makes Sofi feel jealous.

"How long has she been missing?"

"Since last Sunday. She went to Dalarna then and she was supposed to call me on Thursday but she never did."

"It's not like her to just disappear like that. She's just not the kind of person who does this kind of things," Leila says and dries a tear from her cheek with the sleeve of her pullover.

She knows as well as they do that someone must have happened to Mia. The question is what.

"You and Mia were very close," Horse says. "We thought that if you didn't know where she was, you would maybe have an idea as to why she would suddenly disappear like that."

Leila dries her sleeve on her blue jeans and looks like she suddenly remembers something.

"Stay here."

She goes into the next room and they can hear her search in drawers and boxes. After a couple of minutes she comes back with a photo that she gives to Sofi. It is of Mia and a girl she has never seen before eating ice cream cones in a sunny garden. They both look to be around fifteen years of age.

"Who is this?"

"Veronica. I don't know her last name but Mia talked about her all the time. They were best friends throughout their childhood and teenage years."

Having lost all appetite, Leila turns off the stove and pours the soup into the sink.

"But then, five years ago, Veronica got disfellowshipped from the Jehovah's witnesses. I think it was because she had slept with some guy or something like that, I don't remember exactly. Anyway, it was very hard on Mia. Now she wasn't supposed to have any contact with her or even say hi if ever they saw each other on the street. It was also difficult for Mia because back then she still believed in that damn religion. Eventually, Veronica moved to another city and they lost all contact."

She puts away the cooking pot and releases her long hair from its braid. Restlessly she runs her fingers through it while looking down at her naked feet.

"Mia didn't hear anything about her for four years. But then, about a year ago, she found out that Veronica had died. I don't know from what. Mia didn't want to talk about it so I didn't ask. She..."

Leila's tears keep running down her face and she dries the snot from under her nose with her sleeve.

"She was devastated. I had never seen her seen her like that before. It became too difficult for her to stay in Dalarna, with all the memories there. I told her she could move back in with me and that we could start over. But she didn't want to. She said that I deserved better than to live a lie."

"So that's why she moved to Gothenburg. But why do you think this is related to her disappearance?"

Leila lets go of her hair and looks into Sofi's eyes.

"Just a gut feeling. But a strong one. If Mia didn't want to talk even with me about what happened to Veronica then it must have been something really serious. If we figure out what happened to her there is a chance it might help us understand what happened to Mia."

### ***

For the fifth time today, Sofi calls the same phone number but still no one answers. They have been trying all morning to reach the Kingdom Hall in Mia's hometown but failed every time.

"When do they have meetings?" Leila asks. "Maybe we could go to one and try to get more information from people there."

She let them sleep over last night. Being a good host, she even offered to sleep on the couch while Sofi spent the night in her room. But to lie down on a bed that Mia and Leila probably have shared was nothing she felt like doing so she politely turned down the offer. Her back still hurts from sleeping on the hard, uncomfortable sofa.

"Good idea. I'll look it up."

Through Jehovah's witnesses official webpage she quickly finds the meeting schedule for this particular congregation.

"There is going to be one tonight, actually. At seven o'clock.

"Good," Leila says and puts on her vest that is lying on the back of an armchair. "How long does it take to get to Dalarna from here?"

Horse stand up from the couch and look at Sofi when they answer.

"About four hours by car. We can be there in time for the meeting if we leave now."

Which they do. Driving for four long hours of mostly awkward silence. Horse is as silent and mysterious as they usually are. And between Leila and Sofi is an uncomfortable tension. Sofi wonders if maybe she is just imagining it. But in either case she is still curious as to how much Leila understands about her relation to Mia.

They arrive around forty-five minutes before the meeting starts. In the meantime they decide to sit down at a fast food restaurant and talk about how they should act at the meeting.

"You can't mention that you know someone who has been disfellowshipped and you can't tell them that I've dissociated from the organisation because if you do they will not tell you anything and they will most definitely not talk to me," Sofi explains while they nibble on their fries.

Last night she told Leila everything that had happened. Mia and Albin's secret bible study group and their subsequent disfellowshipping. Her first reaction was to wonder why Mia had not told her anything.

"Okay", Leila says. "So what do we do?"

Sofi takes a sip from her soda can while she thinks about it.

"Well... You and Veronica would have been the same age if she was still alive. So, we could do this: we pretend that we came because we got a pamphlet and got interested in the religion. Then, when you talk to people there you mention that you went to school with a girl who was a Jehovah's Witness and whose name was Veronica. You're also fairly sure that she was part of this particular congregation. Hopefully they'll tell you something that can help us. Patriksson was her last name. Mention that too."

"Did Albin tell you anything else about her when you called?" Horse asks.

"That her parents left the country when their daughter was disfellowshipped. To the United Kingdom, if I remember correctly. He was quite shocked when I told him that she was dead. Mia hadn't said a word about it and he had no idea. I've tried to google her name to try to find out something, anything, but I've come away empty handed."

"Then she probably didn't get murdered," Leila says. "There would have been at least some news article about it if it was the case."

"Exactly," Horse says and nods pensively. "So what do I do?"

Sofi feels slightly embarrassed and doesn't really know how tell them.

"Well... Maybe it's best if you don't come."

"Why not? Are they going to think I'm some sort of demon?" They ask and smile ironically.

"Something like that."

Horse raises one eyebrow and put their car keys on the table.

"Okay. You guys take the car and I'll wait for you here."

Leila and Sofi leave the restaurant and drive towards the Kingdom Hall. They take the wrong road at first but after driving on the small countryside road for a while they finally find it.

When they arrive, the meeting has already started. They sit down on the row in the back and it suddenly hits Sofi that she is wearing pants. Her heart starts to raise and she can feel the hair on the back of her neck rising. She has never, not even once, worn pants in a Kingdom Hall.

What if she is wrong? What is this is the one true religion and she has turned away from it? Then Jehovah must be deeply hurt and furious as he is watching her right now.

To calm herself down she goes into the ladies room and drinks a glass of water. She tries as well as she can to ignore the anxious thoughts in her heard. Deep down she knows that they are not true. One day she will be free from them. It just takes time. That's what Janne said anyway.

After having come back and sat herself down next to Leila again she tries to ignore the man on the podium and tries to pass the time by daydreaming. From time to time she looks discreetly at Leila and tries to figure out what she thinks about the meeting. Is she amused or scared? Bored or fascinated? But Sofi cannot read any particular emotions from her.

The meeting ends and while the last song is sung Sofi looks around for someone who looks like an elder. They are the ones who always know best what's going on in a congregation.

As expected, Mia's parents are nowhere to be seen. They probably chose to stay at home after having learned of their daughter's disappearance. It's a cruel thought but Sofi hopes that they are ashamed.

It is a middle-aged man in his fifties who says the last prayer. He is tall with broad shoulders. His brown hair has gone white at the temples and he looks like what Sofi understands most women would consider handsome. She decides to talk to him afterwards. Something in the confident way he moves makes her suspect that he might have privileges in the congregation.

When the last amen has been said she starts following him from afar while Leila starts a conversation with a group of sisters. He starts walking towards her but stops to talk to a young man who is holding a stack of A4-papers. It looks like the older man is giving some sort of directive to him so she concludes that he might be a ministerial servant.

Sofi waits until they have finished talking and goes up to the man she suspects is an elder.

"Hi, I'm Sofi."

"Jon," he introduces himself and smiles at her with pearly white teeth.

"This was a very interesting meeting. It's actually the first time I'm here."

"Oh, wonderful! What interested you to come here?"

"My friend wanted to come and see what it's about," she says and points at Leila with her thumb. "She has been curious about this church ever since she went to school with two girls who were Jehovah's witnesses."

He nods and seems preoccupied with his own thoughts. Sofi suspects that he is trying to figure out a way to get her interested in the so-called truth. Before he says anything else she ads:

"I think I worked with the mother of one of them. Veronica, I think the girl's name was. I don't recall her last name."

"You must be talking about Veronica Patriksson."

"Yes! Patriksson was the name."

Jon seems suddenly nervous. He excuse himself and turns around to talk with a brother who is walking past them.

Disappointed, Sofi goes back to the ladies room to drink another glass of water. She picks up her cell phone and sees on the screen that Nadja and Tim have tried to reach her again for the seventh time today. Maybe her letter has finally come to the Kingdom Hall, maybe they are unto her after she suddenly quit her job and didn't came back to work. Either way she has no desire to talk to them.

She logs onto Google and does a search for Veronica Patriksson, like she has done several times before. All she finds is yet again a couple of Facebook-profiles and the blog of a very much alive twelve year old girl in Stockholm.

Sofi sits down on the toilet lid and tries to hold back her tears. Their chances of finding Mia are getting smaller and smaller for every hour that goes by. And what if what happened to Veronica has nothing to do with Mia's disappearance? Then they have done nothing but waste precious time by coming here.

In the midst of her hopelessness Sofi can't help but think about their island and how cold the water must be this time of year. She also wonders how long it takes for the heart to stop beating when one is drowning.

She chases her dark thoughts away, washes her face in cold water and starts looking for Leila.

"How is it going?" She asks when she finally finds her.

"Not at all," Leila whispers. "As soon as I bring up Veronica they start acting weird and change the subject.'

Around them the sisters are gathered in small groups, talking and laughing, while the brothers are speaking with each other with austere voices about serious matters. Small children with tired eyes are playing quiet games while waiting to be taken home to their cosy beds.

Sofi and Leila decide to drive back to the restaurant. It seems unlikely by now that they would find what they are looking for here.

Just as Sofi is unlocking the car door, she suddenly hears a voice behind her.

"Wait..."

It's a man's voice, whispering almost as if he was afraid that they would actually hear him. She turns around a sees that he is the same young man who was talking to Jon earlier. He gives her the latest issue of Awake!

"Look at page four," he says and smiles kindly at her before hurrying back into the Kingdom Hall.

In the windows she can see people smiling and waving at her. She opens the magazine at the fourth page and reads what someone has written in a margin.

"What does it say?" Leila asks.

"Meet me here again in an hour."

## Chapter Ten

"It's almost been an hour. I don't think he's coming," Leila says and sighs.

"Maybe he got cold feet," Horse says and turns on the windshield wipers. "He must be taking a pretty big risk if he feels like he needs to sneak like that to meet us."

Their voices are barely audible over the sound of the rain pouring over the town and unto the car. The night is dark and the parking lot empty.

Just as Horse is about to put the key back in the ignition, Sofi notices the silhouette of someone holding something close to their chest and running towards them.

"Wait, he's here!"

The young man knocks shyly on the window. He is soaking wet and shaking. In his arm he is holding what Sofi now sees is a small plastic bag.

"Sorry I'm late," he says when Sofi lets him in. "Something showed up and I couldn't leave without being noticed."

"It's cool," Horse says. "We're going to a hotel where we are renting a room for the night. There we can talk in peace and you can borrow some dry clothes."

The hotel is just outside of town and they arrive after about fifteen minutes. Horse lets him borrow a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Both of them black, of course.

The first thing he asks is whether they are journalists.

"No," Leila assures him. "We haven't come here to find a scoop. You don't need to worry."

He nods, apparently disappointed.

"Okay. I just happened to overhear how you were asking questions about Veronica."

"We're old friends of hers."

"Really?" He asks sceptically and turns to Sofi. "Because I heard when you were talking to Jon. You said that you used to work with Veronica's mother. But she has never worked. She has been a pioneer and a housewife but she has never had a job."

Sofi can feel her cheeks turning red and she bites her lip, ashamed as she is over her embarrassing mistake. Leila takes a deep breath.

"Okay," she says. "We didn't know Veronica. We don't even know how she died. The reason we're here is because our friend has disappeared and we think that it might have something to do with what happened to Veronica. Her name is Mia Larsson. You probably know who she is."

Sofi is worried that he will leave now that he knows they are friends with a disfellowshipped person. But he just smiles sadly.

"Mia... Yes I know her. We grew up together. It was her, Veronica and med plus a couple of others. We were a little group of kids from the congregation who used to hang out together. How long as she been missing?"

"About a week. She said that she was going to Dalarna just for a couple of days. But we haven't heard anything from her since and she isn't answering her phone."

He runs his fingers pensively through his strawberry blond hair and sits down on a chair which is in the middle of the room. Sofi thinks that he is going to ask what Mia's disappearance has to do with Veronica but instead he keeps talking about their upbringing.

"We were the same age. Mia, Veronica and I. We played together since we were very little and grew up to be more like siblings than friends."

His voice is calm, almost soothing, but he keeps nervously picking at his cuticle while he speaks.

"The only time of the year we weren't together were the summers," he continues. "My family used to travel further up the country to visit my grandparents. Mia's family most often went on vacation abroad. But Veronica's family always stayed right here, in Dalarna."

His leg is shaking and he seems anxiously restless.

"There is a brother in our congregation that owns a farm where he every summer invites families who have children. It's located in the countryside, right by a beautiful lake. There is a playground and even ponies to ride. You could easily think that it was a summer paradise but it isn't."

He pauses to put a hand on his shaking leg to keep it still. When he starts speaking again a clear indignation can be heard in his voice.

"I've tried for many years to not think about that farm. But about a year ago I found out what had happened to Veronica. After having been disfellowshipped she became depressed and started hanging out with the wrong kind of people. I kept hearing rumours in the congregation that she was doing drugs and had developed an addiction. I didn't believe them at first. None of us were supposed to have any contact with her so how would they know? Besides I couldn't imagine Veronica doing this kind of stuff. Until I found out that she had died of an overdose. Heroin. Since then, not a day goes by that I don't think about the farm."

The plastic bag he brought with him has been lying by his feet the whole time that he has been talking. He now picks it up and takes out its content: a book. Sofi has never seen it before but it looks like a book that the Watchtower Society would publish. On it is the title Shepherd the flock of God and the picture of a herder standing amongst his sheep while dark clouds are gathering at the horizon.

The young man looks at it for a while, touching its cover with the tip of his fingers before finally opening it.

"This book," he explains, "I'm not supposed to have or even know it exists. It is a secret manual for elders only. It had no idea it existed until I read about it on a website for so called apostates, or people who have left the Jehovah's witnesses. It took a while before I managed to get my hands on one by after many months of searching I finally found one on sale on eBay."

He looks up a specific page and gives the book to Leila.

"It explains how a congregation is supposed to be run and how to deal with different situations that might arise. When it comes to what should be done if one member of the congregation accuses another of something then the two witness rule applies. This rule says that if the person accused does not confess then there should be at least two witnesses to the event before any action can be taken. Otherwise the elders leave it, like it says, in Jehovah's hands."

Leila reads through the page quickly and with a serious expression on her face before giving it to Horse.

"Okay," she says. "But what does this have to do with Veronica?"

The man continues to speak with a low voice and keeps looking at his hands. They are shaking.

"These summers at the farm... They weren't ideal vacations. Far from it. Many of the children who spend their summers there showed signs of not being well. Many became depressed and had problems with anxiety. And the more time went by the more worse it got. There was this one boy who had panic attacks on a daily basis, often during the meetings at the Kingdom Hall. Then, the year she turned thirteen, Veronica told Mia and me something she had never told anyone."

Horse gives Sofi the book and she tries to read the words but she can't focus and they turn into a black and white alphabet soup in her head. She sits down on the hotel bed and continues to listen to the man, although she has a feeling that she might prefer not to know what he is about to tell them.

"This guy who lets families spend their vacation on his farm during the summer... He lives there all year round and even when they are there. The parents frequently let him watch their kids. Since he's not worldly they assume that he is a good person. But it's not true. What Veronica told us was that this guy had acted inappropriately towards her and the other children. She didn't get into any details about what he did but it was sexual things. Then, with our support, Veronica told her father. The first thing he did was telling the elders."

Sofi only now notices that he has a golden ring on his left ring finger. A wedding ring.

"What did they do?" Horse asks.

"They interrogated both Veronica and the man who had molested her. Then, they arranged for her to meet with them again but this time he was present and they interrogated her while he was watching her. She told us later that she was terrified in his presence but she told them the same things she had told them before. The guy kept denying everything. So there was only Veronica's testimony and since there was no second witness..."

"But there were more than two witnesses," Leila says. "She told both her father and you and Mia."

"The rule is that it has to be eyewitnesses or else it doesn't count. When it comes to this kinds of crimes, eyewitnesses are rare. And since the guy himself never admitted to what he did, the elders believed that there wasn't enough evidence. So they told Veronica and her parents to forget everything. If they talked about it in the congregation they risked being disfellowshipped for slander. The parents accepted it. The orders came from the organisation so they believed that it was God's will."

His closed fist is shaking. He begins to tear up but he shakes his head and holds them back.

"Why have you come forward now to tell us this?" Sofi asks.

"Five months ago I became a dad for the first time, to a little girl. Since I've been thinking about this all the time and how I would react if this happened to my own child. I understood the truth about this religion a long time ago but all my life is in it. My family and all my closest friends. I've never had the courage to openly criticise the organisation before but I just can't let this go. And then you guys came to the meeting and started to ask questions about Veronica. I hope that you were journalists or police and I decided that the time had come to tell what I knew."

He looks at the blue plastic watch around his wrist and gets up from his chair.

"You can keep the book. It's safer with you than with me. When it comes to Mia," he says and turns to Sofi. "I know that what she wanted most of all was to get justice for Veronica. If that's why she came to Dalarna then she probably went to see Jon. He was the presiding overseer at the time everything happened. Maybe she also talked to the guy with the farm. His name is Karl Thomas Gustavsson."

The young man picks up his still wet clothes from the chair where they are hanging and goes into the bathroom to change. When he comes out again he writes down Jon's phone number and address along with directions to Karl Thomas' farm. Before he leaves, he turns to Sofi one last time.

### "I don't know what happened to Mia but what I know is that she is stronger than most and never gives up. Say hi to her from Willy when you see her again. I know you will."

### ***

The wind blowing around them sounds like a ghostly scream. Leila and Sofi are in the farm's playground, sitting in swings made from old tires. It is still slightly dim outside and the sun has not yet completely risen.

"Did she ever tell you?" Leila asks.

Sofi shakes her head and continues to follow Horse with her eyes. They are looking through all the windows, searching for a sign that someone is home.

"Did she ever tell you?" She asks back.

Leila also shakes her head and gets up from the swing.

"No. There is a little cabin by the lake. We should go look there."

They walk down to the water where they find the cabin. Sofi looks through the broken window but sees nothing but a dirt floor, a plastic canoe and a large trunk.

"There is no one here either. There were fresh tire tracks in the mud leading up to the house so he's probably not here", she says and follows Leila unto the wooden dock over the water.

The young woman is braiding the hair that she had previously let loose. Her blonde strands of hair almost escaping her fingers in the cold wind.

"I wonder if she felt she couldn't talk to me about it or if she just wanted to forget."

Sofi has lied awake most of the night and asked herself the same question. She looks over the water and the heavy dark clouds above and feels the hair stand in the back of her neck when she thinks about how, on this very farm, happened things that never should have been. Her wish is that she could somehow go back in time, to all these summers, and stop all of it from happening. But time is jealous. What it has once captured, it never lets go.

Since there is nothing to see by the lake and since no one is home, they decide to go back to the car. They walk by a paddock where two chubby ponies are passing the time with eating grass and scratching each other with their teeth. They look curiously with their big round eyes at the two humans going by before going back to enjoying their quiet pasture.

Not a sound is heard in the farm except that of the soft blowing wind. If Sofi didn't know better she would almost think this to be a peaceful place.

### ***

He takes a sip from his coffee cup and laughs at a comic strip in the newspaper. Then he takes a bite from his croissant and shakes his head at something he reads. As she is watching him through the window, Sofi can feel the anger boil inside of her. How dare he sit there and enjoy his morning while people are suffering because of choices he made? But she swallows her anger, calms down and rings the door bell.

He flinches at the sight of Horse when he opens the door. Not because of their unusual appearance, but because of the book they are holding up.

"Hello, Jon. We need to talk," Horse says and and hides behind their back the copy of Shepherd the flock of God that a furious Jon is trying to take away from them.

"Where did you get this book? It is not allowed for you to read it!"

"Is it so?" Leila says sarcastically. "I don't think it's illegal. To help paedophiles escaped justice, on the other hand..."

His face, just an instant ago red with rage, is now turning pale with fright.

"Who are you people? Why are you here?"

"We aren't journalist or cops or anything like that", Sofi says. "Although both of this groups would be very interested to hear about how you and the other elders helped protect a man who sexually abused children. One of whom you drove to drug abuse and an early death by making her a pariah to everyone she loved."

He tries to close the door but she puts her foot in-between and pushes him inside.

"No, you don't! Not today!"

"What are you doing?!" Horse says, appalled, and tries to grab her arm.

But she gets away from them and pushes Jon again as she walks into the house.

Both of her friends follow her inside. Leila closes the door behind them as Horse mumbles something as inaudible as it is anxious.

Sofi looks into Jon's eyes and she can see that he is afraid. Good, she thinks and pushes him again, making him fall unto a sofa behind him.

"Are you afraid, Jon?" She asks.

There is something cruel in her voice, something which scares her.

"Are you terrified? Maybe that's how the children in your congregation felt when that pig you protected hurt them. Think about that."

He looks at her as shocked as before and doesn't say a word. What she just said doesn't seem to affect him. In pure frustration, she picks up a vase from the coffee table and wants to throw it at his face. But she calms herself down and puts it back.

"Okay. I know that there is no point in trying to make you understand what you and the other elders did. You were just obeying the organisation. To you that's the same thing as obeying God. To disobey the orders you got would have been to you like sinning against him. How people feel, whether or not they are suffering, can never be as important as following the organisation. If anyone else, or even yourself, are hurt by orders that comes from them is simply not relevant. I know how you think, Jon, because I used to think the exact same way. So, I'm not going to waste my time trying to make you feel bad about the decisions you've made. Instead I'm going to ask you a simple question. If you tell us what we want to know we will leave you alone and never come back. Do you understand?"

Jon nods but there is something defiant in his eyes. Sofi can only hope something she said made him think. But knowing the Jehovah's Witness mindset, she doubts that it did.

"Good," she says. "So do you or don't you know where Mia Larsson is? And if you don't, do you have any idea where she might be?"

"Maybe," he answers with a shaking voice. "She came by about a week ago. Last Tuesday."

He says nothing more.

"And what did she want?" Leila asks impatiently.

She is as annoyed as Sofi is with his lack of engagement.

"Talk about her friend Veronica. She thought we made a mistake when we disfellowshipped her and when she came with certain accusations towards another member of the congregation. Accusations we never found any grounds for, I would like to add."

His voice is still shaking, but now more from anger than nervousness. He stands up again and brushes his shirt.

"I explained to Mia that we had all the evidence we needed when we made the decision to disfellowship Veronica. She had told several people in the congregation about her relationship with a worldly man. And it is our duty as elders to keep the congregation clean. It's like when you clean your house: if you don't remove the dust it keeps pilling on and then the whole house is dirty."

"So Veronica was dirt," Sofi says. " I don't think I share your cynical views of people. What did Mia say?"

"That if it was proof we wanted then she would find proof. She left after that and I haven't seen her si..."

Their conversation is interrupted by a little girl coming into the room, running around and waving a tablet.

"Grandpa! Grandpa! Look at the horsie!"

She stops abruptly and gives a curious look at the visitors.

"Hi, hi!" She tells Sofi. "What's your name?"

"My name is Sofi? What is yours?"

"Maria!"

The girl jumps merrily up and down and shakes her red braids with her tiny hands.

"Can we go ride horsies?" She asks Jon with a glad smile which reveals several missing teeth.

"Not today, sweetie."

"But Ida and Emil are going to ride the horsies later. Why can't I ever ride on brother Karl's horsies? All the other children in the congregation get to go."

Jon turns his eyes way from both his grand-daughter and from his unwelcomed guests. He stands there for a moment, looking like an ashamed child, before finally turning to Maria again.

"What was that horse you wanted to show me?"

He sits down on the sofa and little Maria in his lap. Eagerly and proud she points at the tablet's screen.

"It's a fjord horse!"

Sofi looks at Leila and Horse. She can tell that they are all thinking the same thing.

"Thank you for the information, Jon. But we must go now. Take care of yourselves," she says and waves to the child sitting on his knees.

"Good bye, Maria. It was nice meeting you."

Before leaving she looks one last time at Jon as he turns away his face in shame.

### ***

"But what are we going to tell him," wonders Leila out loud as she walks nervously back and forth in front of the house. "It's not like he's going to just come out and confess everything to us."

Sofi agrees but says nothing. Mia said that she would find evidence and were could they be if not here on this farm?

"Yes," says Horse. "I have a feeling that this is a bad idea. We should just tell the police what we know and go back home. We've done everything we could."

"Maybe we did."

In her fingers Sofi is holding a small wire hair clip, which she nervously has been picking under her nails with. A though hits her. It is probably a bad idea and she waits for the little voice in the back of her head to tell her not to. But it doesn't come.

"Move over a bit," she tells Horse who is leaning against the front door.

They obey her wishes and Sofi puts the hair clip in the keyhole. She has previously only seen this in movies and she is trying to figure out how to work up the lock when she realises that the door is already open. Karl doesn't seem to be a very careful man considering all his dark secrets.

She steps inside the house. Leila follows her closely and Horse tries, half enthusiastically to tell them that this is probably a bad idea but still follows them in. Then they stay all three for a moment in the hallway and listen after any sounds to make sure that no one is home.

"What do we do now?" Leila whispers.

"What we do now?" Sofi says. "We look for his secrets. Wherever they are."

On their left is a kitchen with a sink full of dirty dishes and a table covered by a pile of old newspapers. On their right is a living room with nothing but an armchair and an old television. And further away, a hallway with more rooms.

Sofi thinks about her own secrets, about the lightly dressed clothing catalogue models that she as a teenager hid under her mattress and between secret diary pages.

"Secrets," she concludes, "are hidden were no one else goes but you."

Horse looks anxiously around the room. When Sofi watches their long and small fingers she can see that they are shaking.

"Okay," they say, "I'm staying here to be on the lookout. But hurry, for God's sake!"

In the little hallway next to the living room Sofi and Leila find first a bathroom, then a broom closet. They then open the door to the room furthest away and find a stairway leading down to a basement.

Sofi starts to walk down the steps. They creak as she steps on them. Leila is staying close to her, holding her arm, and in the moment Sofi finds the touch to be calming.

Beneath the stairs they find a bedroom that fills the entire basement but only a corner of it has any furniture. A wooden closet, a bedside table and a bed with dirty blankets. Above it is a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling.

Sofi looks under the bed's covers and under the bed itself but finds nothing except dark stains of unknown origin. In the drawer of the bedside table are only a tub of hand lotion and some pieces of candy.

She opens the wardrobe to search through it when suddenly the sound of a car driving unto the farm is heard. And right after, the voice of Horse calling to them:

"Hide! Someone is coming!"

The two women stare at each other, terrified and unsure as what to do next. Sofi looks around the room for an exit but there is none except for the same way they came.

"Hide under there," Sofi says and points at the small bed under which only one person can fit.

"But what do we do if he finds us?" Leila asks in a desperate whisper.

"I don't know, I..."

She is interrupted by distant voices. It is Horse and an unknown man who are speaking. From where she is all she can hear are indistinct mumblings.

Leila quickly crawls under the bed while Sofi steps into the closet. To try to keep up with what is happening upstairs she leaves the door slightly open. She still can't hear what they are saying but she notices that the man's voice has become angrier. The heated conversation goes on for a couple of seconds but is interrupted suddenly by a loud thump.

Footsteps are heard, someone is moving towards the basement. The creaky door opens and Sofi can hear someone walking down the stair.

She closes the closet door and picks up something she had noticed was lying by her feet. It is something thick and heavy: a bible.

The steps are getting closer. First down the old wooden stairs and then on the hard concrete floor. Someone sits down on the bed and for several minutes not a sound is heard.

Sofi has started to hope that the person is lying down, resting on the bed and perhaps even sleeping when a woman's scream abruptly ends the silence. Without thinking first, Sofi throws herself out of the closet and violently hits her knee on the cold floor.

By the bed is a man she has never seen before. He isn't very tall but he has a muscular build. His arm and shoulders are big and with one hand he is choking Leila. With his other hand, aggressively pulling her braid.

"Who are you people?" He asks and stares furiously at Sofi.

She looks at the bible which is in her hands. Feels its weight in them.

"Have you ever wondered why there is so much evil in the world?" She asks.

Without waiting for the end of his confused laughter she swings the thick book against his face so that he falls backwards and loses his grip on Leila. Sofi takes her hand and they run as fast as they can up the stairs and out of the house. Horse is not to be seen anywhere but there is fresh stains of blood on the living room floor and on the front door.

Outside the farm is covered in darkness. It is late afternoon and the sun has already gone down.

"What do we do now?" Leila says. "Horse is the one who's got the key to the car."

Angry groanings are heard from inside the house along with heavy steps which are getting closer. The door is suddenly kicked open from the inside and the stocky man comes towards them with a look of determination on his face. Next to one of his eyes is a large wound from which blood is running down his face and unto the dark mud by his feet.

"The cabin," Sofi says and throws the bible that is still in her hand at him.

She takes Leila's hand in her again and they start to run towards the lake as he ducks down, avoiding the thrown book, and laughs. In the corner of her eye Sofi can see that instead of following them he calmly goes back into the house.

"What is he doing?" Leila wonders out loud when they arrive at the cabin. "What if he is calling the cops? We did break into his home."

"We probably don't need to worry about that," Sofi says and closes the door behind them. "Men like him most likely don't want to have anything to do with the police. Help me move this thing."

She points at the large trunk standing by a wall and together they move it and put hit against the door. Sofi sits on it and tries to figure out what they should do next.

"Maybe we can try to run away while he's still inside the house," suggests Leila.

"No. There's several kilometres to the next house and he's got a car. He would catch up to us in no time."

Leila draws circles in the dirt floor with her index finger. She looks like she's thinking while she stares at the green plastic canoe in the middle of the room.

"But does he have a boat?"

"Except for this one? Let's hope not."

Sofi jumps down from the trunk and opens it. As expected, it contains lifejackets and paddles. She then moves the trunk away from the door again and discreetly peeks out.

"There's no one here. Let's hurry."

They both take a paddle with one hand and with the other carry the canoe down to the water. As the cabin is right next to the beach, they are there in just a couple of steps.

But just as Sofi is about to step into the boat, she sees something glimmering by her feet. The little jewellery is almost entirely covered by the sand but when she picks it up she sees what it is: a necklace in the shape of half a heart.

"She's here," she hears herself whisper. "This is hers. We must find her."

In all the buildings on the farm, the lights are turned off. Mia is somewhere in this surrounding darkness. Sofi is so certain of it she can almost feel it in her bones.

"He's coming!" Screams Leila and points at the house.

Sofi sees how he is coming out of the house again with something long and shiny in his hands. But she doesn't move. Mia is somewhere on this farm and she is intent on finding her.

"Sofi! What are you doing? We must go! Now!"

She hears Leila's plea but stands still. Karl picks up the long object and Sofi realises what it is in the same moment she hears Leila's desperate scream.

"It's a gun! He's got a gun! Get in the boat! Now!"

Sofi throws herself in the canoe so fast it almost turns over. The two women start to paddle as fast as they can while the first bullet hits a nearby tree. A second one flies over their head and down into the water.

Behind them: the sound of quick steps on the wooden floor of the dock. Sofi looks back towards the beach and sees him reloading his shotgun. He lifts it and aims.

"Down!" She yells.

The both bend forwards as a shot hits one side of the water around the boat, then another shot the other side. Then nothing. Sofi figures that he must be loading his weapon again. They hold still. He must be waiting for them to sit up again before he shoots. Several minutes pass but nothing happens. In front of her Leila his shaking so violently that the boat almost shakes with her.

When the wait becomes too unbearable, Sofi peeks back at the shore, discreetly and without lifting her head high enough for him to be able to aim. Karl is still standing on the dock. He breathes heavily and his face is bright red in the moonlight.

To her surprise she sees that he isn't aiming his gun but holding it still with one hand by his side. He holds up his other hand in an angry, shaking fist. The corners of his mouth are running over with saliva. He is drooling out of pure rage.

Without meaning to she makes eye contact with him. She thinks that he will try to shoot again but instead he runs back to the house.

"He's out of ammo," she whispers to Leila. "We need to get paddling again."

The other woman picks up her paddle again but her hands are shaking so much that she can barely hold it up. Further away, in the middle of the lake where a light fog is dancing above the water, Sofi can see the contours of a small island with high trees.

"Leila, do you see the island over there? Let's go there. It won't take more than ten minutes. Come on!"

The words seem to give Leila new courage. She puts the paddle to the water again and start paddling again. The wind is still but short, restless waves are constantly hitting the boat and seem to want to drive them towards the beach again. But the women persist in their effort and soon they are dragging the canoe up on the shore of the island.

"I thought Jehovah's witnesses were not allowed to own guns," Leila says surprised.

"Witnesses aren't supposed to molest children either. Or try to kill people. I think this guy doesn't really care what the rules are."

Sofi sits down on the wet grass and looks up at the tree tops above them. And the mist moving slowly and ghostlike around them.

"If we paddle to the other shore there still won't be any house for several kilometres," she thinks out loud, "and he will still catch up to us before we can reach anyone. Maybe he thinks we are heading there right now."

"I wonder what happened to Horse."

Sofi had almost forgotten about them and she hopes that they somehow managed to get away. But she thinks above all about Mia. She looks at the half-heart shape necklace in the palm of her hand.

"I should have never let her leave. I should have stopped her."

"You could not have known. Besides, Mia is an adult who can make her own choices. And we both know her well enough to know that when she sets her mind to doing something there is no stopping her. She is so very stubborn, our Mia."

Leila gives Sofi a smile of shared sadness and understanding. She knows.

Behind them is an old wooden cabin, barely visible among the trees.

"We should go in there in case it starts raining again," Leila says.

Sofi follows her without words and with heavy steps. Her jeans are wet and weighed down with water from the lake. She remembers the last night she saw Mia. They had laughed and watched Dancing With The Stars. Mia had started to feel better by then and even improvised some dance steps in front of the television. She had been smiling and trying to convince Sofi that they should go out dancing soon.

Sofi is becoming more and more certain that Mia will never dance or laugh again. She feels like she knows this rationally but her emotions have not caught up with this truth. Her heart is not yet ready to accept it and to be so utterly broken. The feelings will soon find her and hit her with all their strength. Hope seems to leave her body with every new steps she takes.

Leila opens the door to the cabin and they step in. In the moonlight coming through a window on the other side of the room they can see two long objects lying on the ground. As they get closer they can see that they are a person's legs. Then they see a torso and arms. A head with long, straight hair and a woman's face. It is bruised and swollen but they both immediately recognise her.

"Mia!"

They rush to her but she doesn't react. Leila takes her in her arms and puts her ear against Mia's mouth.

"Is she breathing?"

Through the window they can suddenly see how blue and red lights are reflected in the fog above. Police sirens are heard echoing around the lake. Sofi repeats her question to Leila who is still not answering.

"Is she breathing?"

## Chapter Eleven

Sofi had never really thought about it until today, but she owns very few black clothes. She picks a blouse along with a matching skirt in this colour and refills Tigress' food bowl before leaving.

She takes the bus down to the train station and goes into a flower shop to buy a dozen yellow roses. Sofi doesn't know if these are the kind of flowers you bring on days like these but she knows that they always were Mia's favourites.

An announcement that her train is leaving in five minutes echoes through the station as she pays the shop keeper. She hurries there and finds an unoccupied seat in the back of the train. To pass the time while waiting for the ticket controller Sofi tries to enjoy some sandwiches she made for the trip.

But as so often lately so has no appetite. Images from the night they found Mia are hunting her and tormenting her day and night.

They learned from the police that the examination of Mia's body showed that she had not been subjected to any kind sexual abuse. But her last hours before she ended up on the island must still have been filled with pain and fear.

The train starts to move but Sofi is no longer in her seat. She has locked herself in the bathroom to cry in peace. Dizzy from not having eaten or slept enough in many days she sits down and lets out her sorrow, hiding her face in her hands while she weeps.

Time passes, one hour maybe two. The tears do not stop. She lets them fall until she is utterly exhausted and falls asleep.

When she wakes up again she can feel that the train is no longer moving. She hurries out, worried that she missed her stop, but runs into a ticket controller waiting for her right outside the door.

"Well, well," he says and gives her a haughty look. "Thought you could ride the train for free, did you? I've been waiting for you."

The man is tall, probably two meters. He has a thick red beard and his muscular arms are almost twice has big as his head. An unsettling laugh comes out of his mouth as he picks from his belt a little device that looks like an oversized school calculator.

"Sorry. I fell asleep," Sofi explains and gives him her ticket.

"You fell asleep? On the toilet?"

"Yes."

He looks at her ticket and sighs, apparently disappointed.

"Alright then. It's a good thing you woke up now, anyway. Your stop is next."

The train starts rolling again and fifteen minutes later she finally arrives at her destination. The weather has changed since she was here last. The grey sky has turned blue and the rain puddles on the ground have been replaced with fluffy snow that crunches under her feet as she walks on it with her thick winter boots.

She takes the bus to the city centre where she meets up with Horse who is also dressed in all black today. Although for them it is more of an old habit.

"Are Mia's parents coming?" Sofi asks after they hug each other good-day.

"No. We finally managed to reach them this morning and they let us know that they intend on keeping on the same way. Like Mia had never existed."

Sofi is disappointed but not surprised. She knows very well how things work in the cult.

After a short walk they arrive at the building where a middle aged woman shows them to the room where Mia is lying.

Leila is sitting by her hospital bed, holding her hand. They look into each other's eyes and in Mia's eyes Sofi can see something she has seen before but never as bright: love.

"Shall we go get more coffee?" Horse asks Leila.

She nods and follows them out. On her way out she looks away, embarrassed, and doesn't meet Sofi's eyes.

Mia moves over in her bed and leaves a spot for Sofi to lie down next to her.

"Come," she says and pats gently on the mattress.

Sofi obeys her willingly and with a smile and kisses her gently on the forehead.

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you too, Sof'. So, is it official now?"

Sofi nods and smiles so wide that the sides of her mouth starts to ache.

"It is. They read the news at the meeting yesterday. I wasn't there but the elders had told me in advance. I'm am no longer one of those.... Jehovah's.

"But Sofi," Mia says and chuckles, "you used to hate it when people called us that."

"I know! But it's just so funny to say... Jehovahzzzzzz."

Mia laughs until she starts to cry in pain.

"Ah! Don't make me laugh. My ribs hurt so bad."

"I'm sorry," Sofi says and gives her a kiss on the cheek.

The other woman closes her eyes and rests her head against Sofi's chest.

"What was it that happened, on the night you found me?"

"Well," Sofi says and runs her finger gently through Mia's hair, "we had talked to Willy and Jon and found out about everything. What happened to Veronica and the other children and how the elders had helped covering it up. Me, Leila and Horse went to the farm to confront Karl and maybe found a clue to where you might be. We discovered that he wasn't home so we went inside and started to search through his house. But then he suddenly came home. Horse was on the lookout and warned us but got beat down by him. But then also managed to escape and hide in the stables and called the police. At the same time, me and Leila managed to get away from Karl and took the canoe to paddle across the lake to the island. We had no idea that you were there. We were just trying to escape. But we found you and since you were still unconscious we carried you to the canoe and paddled back to the shore because we had heard the police sirens and seen the police lights coming from the farm. Do you have any memories of how you ended up on the island?"

"No. I came to Karl's house to confront him about what he had done. I told him that if he didn't confess I would not stop until I found evidence of his crimes. With all the children he had hurt it was just a matter of time until I found someone willing to tell their story and expose him and what he was. It's when I said this that he got something really vicious in his eyes. The last thing I remember is him picking up a chair and throwing it at me. I woke up later on the island and discovered that both my legs were broken. I crawled outside, all the way out to the beach and realised that I was stuck out there. Nobody knew where I was and with my broken legs I couldn't swim away from the island. I don't know if his plan was to come back and finish me off or if he wanted me to starve to death. But considering that he left me there a whole week my guess is the later. It's so dark in here. Can you just open the curtains a bit?"

Sofi does as Mia wishes and lets in the longed-for afternoon sun in the small and dark hospital room.

"I'm sorry that I dressed so gloomy today. I would have dressed in something more colourful but I haven't had time to do the laundry and those where the only clean clothes I had left."

"Don't say that. You don't look gloomy, you're gorgeous," Mia says and lets her get under the blankets with her again.

They lie down for a while in silence, looking tenderly at each other. Mia has dark circles under her eyes and her face is still bruised and swollen in many places.

"The doctors say that I will maybe feel strong enough to leave the hospital in a couple of days. I'm not going to be able to walk for a while but I'll get to borrow a wheelchair until my legs are healed."

"Maybe you can stay at Albin's house during that time. At mine or your place it would be difficult with the stairs and no elevator."

"Actually," she says and avoids Sofi's eyes, "Leila's parents have offered to let me stay at their house in Stockholm until I get better. They know me since before and they've always liked me for some reason. I didn't want you to have to worry about taking care of me during this time so I said yes."

Sofi understands very well where things are going and under other circumstances she would have felt sorrow. She probably will later, perhaps cry in the shower tonight already. But right now she can only feel relief that Mia is alive and lying here, right next to her. She closes her eyes and listens to her calm breathing before opening them again and asking the question she has been dreading the answer to.

"What happens then, when you are healed?"

"What do you mean?" Mia asks.

"Do you want to be with her?"

Mia says nothing at first and only stares at her with a surprised look on her face. She had not realised that Sofi understood everything.

"I'm with you," Mia says and swallows nervously.

"I know."

"And I love you."

"I know."

Sofi takes a strand of hair that is falling over Mia's eyes and puts it behind her ear. With a certain melancholy she thinks that it might be the last time she will get to feel Mia's soft hair between her fingers.

"But not like you love her. Don't try to deny it. You've been here two weeks now and I've seen this whole time how you look at her."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't say that. The heart wants what the heart wants. It's nothing you can choose."

She dries a tear that is falling down Mia's cheek and makes an effort to smile. Mostly to hide her own sadness over losing her love.

"I'm so sorry," Mia says again, "I never wanted to hurt you."

"You have never hurt me. On the contrary, you are the one who gave me something no one ever had before."

"Really?" Mia asks surprised. "What?"

Sofi's voice is shaking as she answers. She had never known before that one's voice could shake from pure joy.

"You came into my life, turned everything upside down and made me question everything I ever thought was true. What you did for me... was that you made me free."

## Epilogue

People are quickly passing her by. The first speech of the afternoon is starting soon, they're in a hurry. Some notice her but pretend like they didn't or mumble angry words as they walk by. From time to time, someone gives a curious look at the pamphlet Sofi is holding up but as soon as they understand what it is about and that she is what they call an apostate, they turn their eyes away.

"Does anyone ever take one?" She asks a man named Jakob who is working with her today outside of the building where Jehovah's witnesses annual summer convention is taking place.

"Not now. Maybe later. Sometimes it happens that someone sneaks out during the program to take one when no one is seeing."

Sofi looks at all the people going by and feels a deep sorrow for them. Their lives are so filled with anxiety and fear and they have no clue how much more enjoyable life could be. She looks at the children, at their innocent faces, and wonders how many of them will find their way out of this cult. Her eyes begin to tear up when she thinks about the fact that far too many of them never will.

"It's almost one o'clock. Weren't you leaving soon?"

"Oh, right!" She says and throws her handbag over her shoulder. "See you tomorrow!"

She runs down to the tram stop and jumps into a tram right before the doors close. Five minute later she goes out again on Avenyn, the main boulevard of Gothenburg. She runs up the street the last bit to the public square called Götaplatsen, where thousands of people are gathered around the gigantic statue of the Greek god Poseidon. It is not because she is in the hurry that she runs, but because she is so joyful that she simply cannot stop herself.

She meets up with Amanda, who she met at Colors Café & Bar. With her is a small group of women who all greet Sofi with a hug. Amanda puts her arm around her shoulder and introduces her.

"Girls, this is Sofi. This is her first pride so let's show her how fun we make it!"

They cheer, raising their hands up in the air and dancing to the disco music coming out of speakers nearby. All around them, thousands and thousands of people are gathering to walk in the parade. Many kinds of groups and associations, from sports clubs to political parties and church groups, have come to celebrate the day and the sidewalks are full of people eagerly waiting for the parade to start.

"We're marching with Bee Bar," Amanda informs her. "They're the ones who have the best music."

They stand behind two convertibles were drag queens with big extravagant wigs and glittery dresses are sitting and already waving to the crowd. A muscular, shirtless man dancing and blowing a whistle comes up to distribute small rainbow flags to whoever wants them.

When Sofi takes one she is almost afraid that it will burn in her hand, as much as she has hated this colourful flag in the past. But nothing of the sort happens and she smiles at her own silly fear.

One of the women who came with Amanda takes a few dance steps towards her.

"Hi, I'm Stella. We've met before, haven't me? You look familiar."

Sofi looks at the woman, at her wild brown locks and her deep green eyes and thinks to herself that she definitely would have remembered someone so beautiful.

"I'm Sofi. No, not that I can remember."

Stella nods, still not convinced. Then, suddenly, she remembers.

"Oh, I know. Didn't you use to stand at the train station and offer those magazines?"

Sofi's cheeks feel hot and she can feel them turning bright red. She hadn't even thought about the possibility that someone would recognise her from there.

"Never mind," Stella adds when she sees her embarrassment. "Are you coming to the big dyke party tonight? The entrance is free."

"Yes, definitely. I wouldn't want to miss that!"

Sofi had actually no plans for tonight and she will probably have to ask Amanda to find out what the big dyke party even is. But she knows that today she wants to be close to this Stella even when the parade is over.

The cars in front of them are starting to drive forward and the march down Avenyn begins. On the sidewalks, people are cheering and clapping their hands to the rhythm of the music. Above them, and on flagpoles all over the city, rainbow flags are flying.

Sofi smiles as she looks at them. For so many years she felt so much shame and guilt because of who she was. But know all these feelings are gone and today is a day of pure joy.

"Pride!" Amanda shouts and takes Sofi by the arm.

"Pride!" Sofi shouts and waves the little rainbow flag in her hand.

Amanda chuckles and whispers in her ear.

"This sure beats doing that Jehovah's Witness stuff, doesn't it?"

Sofi looks behind them, at all the many thousands of people who have come together today to celebrate their love and who they are. And above them, the bright blue sky.

"Yes," she says. "This, this is happiness."

