Baseball--
America's pastime
and the sport Michael Jordan
cheated on basketball with.
The coronavirus pandemic shut
down the major league season
before it could even start.
But now teams are ready
to get underway, Covid-style.
REPORTER: As Major League
 Baseball gets ready
 to resume play,
 it turns out they're gonna
 be using crowd noise
 from a video game.
 The sounds will come from
 the game MLB The Show.
 The league is hoping that
 the crowd noises,
 combined with stadium
 announcers
 and all the walk-up music--
 that'll make it sound like
 the stadiums are actually full.
Yes.
While it's still too dangerous
to fill a baseball stadium
with a real crowd,
the MLB is at least
gonna fill it
with the sounds
of people watching baseball.
And I think we actually have
a clip of what that sounds like.
 (people yawning)
Now, even though fan sounds
will be piped into the stadiums,
the actual fans will still be
watching baseball at home.
So, for fans
who want to re-create
the stadium experience at home,
there's a lot of things
that you can do, you know,
to make you feel like
you're actually at a game.
First of all, make sure to watch
the TV from really far away
so you have no idea
what's happening.
Then grab a beer
from your fridge
and rip up a $20 bill.
And, finally, cover your
bathroom in another man's urine.
Now, that's baseball.
I do like this idea, though.
In fact, I think we should
apply this to other areas
of our new coronavirus lives,
you know?
Like, a lot of us miss
eating out at restaurants.
So why not just pipe in
some restaurant sounds
while you're
eating dinner at home?
-(indistinct conversations)
-MAN: Hi there.
I just wanted to see
you're enjoying the food.
Uh, well, actually,
you just gave me the food.
So, um, I haven't
actually tasted any of it yet.
Yeah, no problem.
I'll come back in ten seconds
and ask you again
while you're chewing.
Um... could you just come back,
like, after I've eaten
a bunch of it?
Okay, that's perfect.
I'll come back at the most
inconvenient moments,
but then,
when you need the check,
I'll totally
disappear forever.
Uh, sounds good.
In other news, we're slowly
learning that coronavirus
has also affected
two things in America
that are even more popular
than baseball:
Disney World
and stuffing your face.
ANCHOR: Forget munching
 on those Mickey pretzels
 while strolling through
 Disney World in Orlando.
 Eating or drinking while
 walking has been banned
 to ensure that
 people are wearing masks
 while moving around the park.
 Now, in order to eat or drink,
 people have to be stationary
 and six feet away
 from other guests.
 The only other time
 that guests are allowed
 to have their masks off is at
 special relaxation stations
 that are set up
 around the parks.
Okay, so basically
what happened here was
Disney World said that,
for safety,
you need to wear a mask
unless you're eating.
And so everyone at the park
was like,
"No problem.
I'm just always eating."
So Disney decided
it had to close that loophole.
And, to me,
that's some bullshit.
I mean, they're taking away
one of the main draws
of Disney World,
which is walking around
eating junk food all day.
I mean, that is as crucial
to the Disney experience
as meeting Mickey
or going on rides
or wishing you never had kids.
Not to mention
if you're walking while eating,
then you're distracted
by everything else going on.
You know? If you have to sit
while you eat,
it gives you all the time
to reflect
on what you're actually eating.
That's a reality
no one should have to face.
Also, how is Disney
gonna tell us
about our food hygiene
when the Little Mermaid
is literally over here
brushing her hair with a fork?
I mean, the woman
collects trash.
Is nobody gonna talk about this?
She's collecting trash.
But still,
this rule is happening,
and we all
have to get used to it.
I just hope that at least
they still let me
 take my smoothie
 on the roller-coasters.
But let's move on.
Because while the United States
is putting restrictions
on people at theme parks
and banning them from stadiums,
Germany is now so far ahead
with the coronavirus
that they're actually
throwing a giant concert
just to see what happens.
REPORTER: In Germany,
 scientists are planning
 a mammoth Covid-19 experiment.
 They're inviting 4,000
 music fans to a free concert.
 Attendees will then be fitted
 with tracking devices
 and equipped with fluorescent
 hand sanitizer
 to help researchers
 better understand
 how to stop the virus spreading
 inside indoor venues.
What a flex.
Now, this is how
you shit on the whole world.
Germany is having a concert
with 4,000 people.
Meanwhile, in America,
you can't even do an open mic
without the entire town
coming down with the 'rona.
And I don't know which band
is gonna perform at this thing,
but I hope they've chosen
the Rolling Stones.
'Cause if a lifetime of drugs
can't kill those dudes,
coronavirus
doesn't stand a chance.
And, you know, I...
I'm not an expert,
but surely there's a safer way
to do this experiment. Right?
Like, before you test it
on 4,000 human beings,
why not try, like,
a concert full of rats?
It's a lot safer and...
 it's adorable.
 (chuckles)
 I mean, look at him--
 he can't play a bass guitar.
Rats don't have rhythm.
We all know that.
 (bass guitar flourish)
Let's move on now
to the United States Congress--
America's marble-covered
nursing home.
Of the 435 members
of the House of Representatives,
one of the most liberal
is New York Democrat
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
And one of the most conservative
is Florida Republican Ted Yoho.
So when those two bump into
each other in the hall,
it might be no surprise
that things get ugly.
New York Democratic
representative
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez
accuses a Florida lawmaker
of accosting her on the steps
of the U.S. Capitol.
Yoho first approached her
and told her, quote, she was,
quote... "she was disgusting
in referring to her positions
over unemployment,
uh, and crime"
and she responded,
calling him rude.
And then, as Yoho walked away
from that conversation,
he called her an "F-ing B,"
uh, actually using those words.
NEWSMAN:
 Moments ago on the House floor,
 Republican Congressman Ted Yoho
 apologized to Congresswoman
 Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.
The offensive name-calling words
attributed to me by the press
were never spoken
to my colleagues.
And if they were construed
that way,
I apologize
for their misunderstanding.
I cannot apologize
for my passion...
...or for loving my god,
my family and my country.
Wow. That had to be
one of the worst apologies
I have heard in my life.
In fact, that's the only apology
I've ever heard
where at the end, I went, "Wait.
Did I just apologize to him?"
Because why is he saying,
"I can't apologize
for loving my god"?
My man, loving God doesn't
make you say those things.
Right? Loving God
doesn't make you profane.
The pope
is never out there like,
"His love surrounds us all,
you sons of bitches."
So, for a guy who talks a lot
about personal responsibility,
Ted Yoho
is having a pretty hard time
taking responsibility
for his actions.
In fact, if I may speak
like a congressman,
I think he's being
a (bleep) bitch
about this whole situation.
Well, that's our show
for tonight, but before we go,
I just wanted to remind you
that America is facing
a nationwide poll worker
shortage.
And because most poll workers
are over 60,
and coronavirus is
still out there,
they are understandably
not showing up.
But fewer poll workers means
fewer polling stations
are open and it means longer
lines that not everybody
can afford to stay and wait in,
especially in poorer communities
and communities of color.
Now the good news is,
most poll working is paid.
And in some states, you can be
as young as 16 to get the job.
So if you're interested
and you have the time,
this is your chance, man--
save your granny,
protect democracy and get paid
at the same time.
Sign up at the link below
to learn more.
