

### Boys with Cars

by Pamela Swyers

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead is entirely coincidental.

Boys with Cars

Copyright 2009 by Pamela Swyers

www.pamelaswyers.com

### All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews.

Published by Swyers Publishing at Smashwords

December 2009

### Smashwords Edition

### This book is available in print.

ISBN (for paperback edition only): 978-0-9843113-0-9

This book is dedicated to an old friend Vicky Sherer Price; May you have peace and freedom from pain.

### This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not bere-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

### What others are saying about Boys with Cars

### It was great. And yes, I did cry. – Jennie Cook

### I started on it yesterday and am half way through!! I am Lovin it!!!!! – Tina Althoff

### ok so I just finished reading this book called "Boys with Cars" by this woman named Pamela Swyers. All I have to say is if you have not read it you should it is really good. Yes it made me cry at the end, but it was a very good book! Love you Pam! – Peggy Karnowski

### Loved the book! It was great seeing your personality and words coming from the pages. – Renee Searcy

### Prologue

### I banged my knee pretty hard when I fell. The pain was nothing compared to what I felt inside. I sat in the puddle of water; water that came from the glass I dropped moments before. I made fists and shoved them into my thighs harder and harder; anything to ease the pain in my chest. A guttural cry came through clenched teeth. It was the cry of a wounded animal. It was the sound of heartache, loss; of ripping metal. Tears flowed freely now. I tried to get my breath but couldn't. I tried to stand, but fell back onto the floor and collapsed again.

### How could this have happened? She'd been like a sister to me for over fifteen years. This just wasn't happening. It couldn't be true. She was gone.

### CHAPTER ONE

It was 1987 and Ronnie and I were thirteen and ditching school. It was rainy out, miserable. Our hair was soaked, our clothes soaked, and I had my arm around my best friend in the world, Veronica Stanford, or Ronnie. Earlier that morning, her mother had left in a beaten up old Volkswagen bug, screaming out the window at Ronnie and her dad, Sam, "I'll never come back, so don't wait up. I have better things to do with my life." Ronnie's mom was addicted to pain killers, every kind of alcohol and sex with other men.

### When I saw Ronnie's face that morning in the cafeteria, I knew there was something horribly wrong. We had a sub in our first-hour class, so we slipped out the back door and started walking. At first, she said nothing. Then I heard the little sounds of breath catching and looked over to find her crying. We sat down on a sidewalk in the rain and she told me the story.

### Ronnie had told me a little about her parents' backgrounds. I'd heard how they'd met. I had known Mrs. Claire Stanford, Ronnie's mom, for a few years and knew her well enough to know the woman had serious life issues. Sam, her dad, was affable and kind if a little aloof, and completely unprepared for the direction his life took.

### I held onto Ronnie as she cried and cried, rubbing her shoulder, promising everything was going to be alright. I really didn't know that to be true, but tried to bring comfort to my friend. Rain continued to fall.

### Sam Stanford had become a wealthy but increasingly absent father: wealthy by Norman, Oklahoma standards. He'd been left a load of family oil money, and after several of his young adult years wasted partying and chasing women, he decided eventually to go to college, where he met the free-spirited Claire Simons. They played their games and chased each other a while, then decided to move in together. Sam had the coolest apartment of all his buddies, well stocked with guitars, love beads, lava lamps and eight-track tapes. Good-looking and with a James Dean attitude, he attracted women pretty easily.

### With Claire it had been different. He had settled down and focused on her and his studies. She became his world. Her drug use began not long after they moved in together. Sam had dabbled in smoking pot at parties, but never got into hard-core drug use, afraid of what it might lead to, even when many of his friends were hitting the scene hard.

### By 1973, Claire was pregnant. Veronica (or Ronnie as she was soon after dubbed) came along in January of 1974. Claire was completely unprepared for motherhood. Even though she had stopped doing drugs during her pregnancy, the demands of a baby were soon too much for her and she began to hire babysitters and go out at night, falling quickly back into the drug scene.

### From what I had heard of Ronnie's childhood, Claire never bonded with her daughter. Ronnie had worshipped her dad and longed for her mom.

### Over the years, the household had become more and more dysfunctional as Claire continued to party, drink, do drugs and disappear for days at a time. Eventually, Sam found himself working longer and longer hours, probably feeling overwhelmed and under-prepared for the demands of single fatherhood. He was highly competent at the office, so it made sense he'd want to stay there. By the time Ronnie was thirteen years old, she prepared her own meals, washed her own laundry and had said goodbye to the latest in a string of nannies.

### It was in Mrs. Zachary's third-grade class that she and I first found each other. I was shy and kept to myself, she was "in your face" with everyone, always saying just what she thought, even when it got her in trouble.

### There was a core of kindness in her that I was drawn to. She was forever taking up for those who were picked on and refused to be a part of any school cliques that would exclude or put down anyone else. On the first day of school that year, she alienated almost everyone, it seemed, but me. We sat next to each other in the classroom and soon found that we really liked each other. She pulled me out of my shell, always encouraging me to stand up for myself.

### One afternoon on the playground a couple of taller, bigger girls started picking on me, pushing me away from the swings. Ronnie came over and shoved one of them face first into the dirt. She was taller then both of them and quite intimidating. The other one ran screaming to the teacher and Ronnie had to stay after school. She did her penance gladly.

### She came to my house often after school, (Sam grew to love the arrangement as he knew my father and knew that Ronnie was probably better off at our house then she was at her own.) My father, Jake, began to treat her as one of his own.

### My mother had passed away when I was only five, succumbing to a long battle with ovarian cancer. I understood what it was like to be a motherless child, which was probably another reason Ronnie and I clicked so well.

### My name's Adison Taylor. Where Ronnie is brunette, long and lean and graceful, I am blonde, short, petite and awkward: a true study in contrasts, standing next to each other. We complimented each other pretty well, being so opposite in our personalities as well as our physical selves. We soon became inseparable. So on the day her mom ran away for good, I held my friend. I let her cry. I reassured her that she was likely better off without that kind of mom in her life, but I understood that she was in pain.

### After a few minutes we walked over toward the park in our families' subdivision, and sat on the swings. The rain had eased a little, but we didn't care about it, we let it come; it fit the mood. My home was on the same block as the school. We went back to my house and I let us in with my key, locked the doors behind us, then called my dad to confess that we had left school and why. He said he'd call the school and explain, and that I should keep the doors locked until he got home.

### In the days following, Ronnie was withdrawn, touchier than normal. She got in trouble again at school; this time being sent to the principal's office. A boy had pulled her hair and she'd punched him in the nose. Eventually the kids did learn not to mess with her. All through elementary school we clung to each other.

### In middle school, we began to attract the attention of boys around the same time. At fifteen, we went on a double date together. By this time Ronnie spent more time at my house than her own, on a pretty regular basis.

My first love was a boy named Jeff Treasdale: tall, good-looking with brown, curly hair, Jeff was on the track team. Perhaps a little overly concerned with what his buddies thought of him, I thought, but cute and nice enough. His friend Nick Johnson came along to be Ronnie's date. (Ronnie had earned herself a reputation for being, shall we say, "prickly" around guys.) She seemed very self-confident and mature for her age, which intimidated young men to no end. Also mostly she rebuffed any guy who looked at her. When Jeff asked Nick if he wanted to go out with us as Ronnie's date, he was reluctant at first, but came around since he wanted a free meal and Jeff had agreed to pay. Plus Ronnie is very pretty. Nick was taller and bulkier then Jeff by about ten pounds, dark blonde and muscular.

### That night, the guys showed up promptly at seven and loaded us into Jeff's car, a slightly used beat-up looking Toyota of some sort. I'm not good with cars. I was just thrilled he had one.

### We went to the local fried chicken joint (big spenders that they were) and ate greasy chicken, flirted, laughed and had a great time. I noticed that by the end of the night, Ronnie had thawed toward Nick a little, even going so far as to answer his questions. Jake, being the vigilant dad, was spotted following us. We didn't let on that we saw him.

### After the movie, juvenile and low budget as it turned out, we decided to walk to the local coffee shop. After feeling like adults by ordering and sharing an entire pot of coffee, we took Nick and Ronnie back to their places, then Jeff drove me home.

"So," Jeff said at the end of the night, walking me to my door. We stood saying nothing for an awkward moment. "I had fun tonight." Jeff grinned.

"Um, I did too," I said, feeling like I wanted to stare into his hazel eyes, but feeling a little shy at the same time.

"Well." Jeff didn't know what to do or where to turn. Finally he reached down (being substantially taller than me- his near six-foot frame dwarfed me at almost five feet) and slowly nudged my nose with his. We both giggled. Nerves.

### Then... he kissed me. It was glorious. My first kiss and the one all other kisses would be compared to, for all time. My knees went weak. My heart beat faster. I could feel my skin breaking out in a sweat even though it couldn't have been more than fifty degrees outside. His lips were soft; his breath was good and warm. It was over so fast. I forgot everything I felt I had known about boys or relationships up to that moment (okay so that wasn't a lot.)

### So this was what all the fuss was about. Many of the other girls at school, especially the older ones, had been making out with their boyfriends in the hallways if they thought no-one was looking, in the parking lot, or whenever they found the chance. Frankly I never understood the attraction... until that kiss.

### As I came inside I realized Jake was waiting up. "Adi," he started up from the sofa.

"Oh, hey, Dad." I know I must've looked different. I sure felt different. I immediately wondered if he could tell how worldly I had just become. I once again pretended I hadn't seen him skulking in the bushes when we came out of the movies.

"You okay, hon?" he asked.

"Sure, Dad. Just uh... gonna go finish some homework." I shuffled past and shot up the stairs, feeling my face turn bright red. Apparently Jake had beaten me back to the house. He had acted nonchalant.

"Okay, g'night," he said.

### The phone rang. "I got it!" I cried as I jumped on the phone, knocking the base off my nightstand. "Hello?"

"Hey, it's me Ronnie..."

"Oh."

"Don't sound so excited!" I could hear the pout in Ronnie's voice.

"Sorry. I just thought maybe it was Jeff." I breathed out a sigh and plopped down on the bed, noting that I still had the comforter I had when I was eight. Pink and purple bubbles... good grief. "Actually it couldn't be Jeff. Even driving the way he does, he couldn't be home yet."

"You love him, I know you looooove him," Ronnie began singing at me.

"I don't love him!" I said, feeling my breath catching, just talking about it. I could feel a huge smile spread across my face. "Well, maybe just a tiny bit." I started laughing and rolling around on the bed. We were so fifteen.

"Hey! What about Nick? You guys seemed to hit it off okay." I sat up and began to change clothes, fishing my nightshirt off the floor, trying unsuccessfully not to tangle the phone up in my clothing.

"He was... okay. A little immature though. Did you hear him talking about his buddies getting toasted the other night?"

"Ronnie, you think all guys are immature. He's cute! That wavy, dark blonde hair. He seemed okay..." I trailed off.

"I can't believe he doesn't have a car yet. I'm fifteen and I have a car," she said in a condescending manner.

"Yeah, but most people don't at your age... our age. Jeff just turned sixteen a month ago. He's only had his car a couple weeks."

### This conversation was making me wonder when or if Jake would ever spring for a car for me. What kind would I want? What kind could Dad afford? My thoughts were racing. Too much coffee, I decided.

"Yeah. Boys," grumbled Ronnie.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go to sleep now. Coming over in the morning?" I asked.

"Sure, I'll be there. I'll come make you and Jake breakfast," Ronnie said, then rang off. Ronnie loved cooking for Jake and me. She never had anyone to cook for at her house.

### I lay there thinking about Jeff and that kiss for the longest time. It was 1990 and the song Free Fallin' by Tom Petty was playing. I had just had my first kiss and I was on top of the world.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER TWO

### Summer finally came that year, and the last day of school was upon us. Jeff Treasdale and I had been dating since that winter, and things were going pretty well. Jeff could seem a little distant at times, but I chalked that up to him being male and me having no experience with the species. Sometimes I did wonder if I felt more for him than he did for me.

### My dad had gotten a promotion at work and came home excited. He was an accountant with a big firm in Oklahoma City, and we lived in Del City, about fifteen miles away. In this part of Oklahoma there wasn't a lot of big industry; we had the Air Force Base nearby and most everyone who wasn't military did the sorts of jobs you'd find in any small town America: doctors, nurses, accountants, mechanics, food service.

### Tinker Air Force Base started out in the early 40's as Douglas Aircraft Plant. The land had been donated to Douglas by the city (Oklahoma City) where the plant that manufactured aircraft, eventually became Tinker Air Force Base. The surrounding town that sprang up (Midwest City) was built by those returning from the war and soldiers on the base that couldn't afford large houses, and this eventually spread into Del City as well. Driving through the area, you still see block after block of cracker-box houses, many no more than 7 or 800 square feet. This was all the men could afford. The economy was limited as were your options. Most of the people in our town were blue collar, with a few who commuted into OKC for jobs like my Dad. I didn't know all that much about what he did, except that he loved numbers and math. Our home was built in 1980 and was a whopping 1100 square feet, (being in a somewhat newer more affluent subdivision); much larger than most in the Mid/Del area.

### Every one of our neighbors was connected to the military in some way. On one side was a retired military couple, on the other side the home was being rented by a young Air Force family. Our neighborhood was friendly and no-one thought most times to lock a door on their car or their house. Such was life in our small town.

### To celebrate Dad's promotion he bought me a new comforter set and himself a new coffee maker. After putting the new sky blue sheets and fluffy, over-sized pillows on my bed and hanging a poster of David Lee Roth on my wall, I felt like a real woman.

### The night I turned sixteen, Jake had come home with a used Chevy Malibu, dark blue with a black top. I knew nothing about cars, but Jeff loved it and said it was the coolest, so I was happy and proud to drive it. The cassette player inside kept eating my cassettes, so I wasn't thrilled about that. Ronnie teased me about that all the time, cracking up every time it spat a wad of tape out at me.

It had only taken me two tries to pass the driving test, and Jake was driving me crazy, critiquing me to death on the way home from the DMV.

"Watch the curb, Adi. You're driving too far to the right.... Watchit!"

### I had run over a paper drinking cup, but you would have thought I'd run over a small child. "Dad! Calm down! I know what I'm doing..." I said as I ran a stop sign.

"ADI!" Dad nearly had a coronary. Fortunately there were no other cars around. Finally we made it back to the house. Dad wiped the sweat from his brow and practically sprinted inside for a beer.

### It was Friday night and Ronnie came over and picked me up in the convertible Mercedes she had been driving since she was fifteen. Dad thought she had her license but she hadn't gotten around to getting one yet. It never stopped her from driving though. (It was our little secret.) She'd been pulled over once and charmed the officer out of a ticket by telling him (while batting her eyelashes) that she'd accidentally left her license in her other purse.

We cruised down to what we called "the strip." This consisted of going through the Burger King Drive Thru, going down the main drag to the Chicken Hut, turning around in that parking lot, then going back to the burger joint again, endlessly looping around, checking to see who was "out." On weekend nights, kids would park their cars along the main drag on 29th Street and cruise. We were young. It was small-town Oklahoma in the 90's. It was the only thing to do.

### I decided to make conversation as we cruised along. "What's going on with Nick? You seen him lately?"

"Nah. I don't think we're gonna see each other anymore." Ronnie seemed genuinely saddened.

### I turned to face her. "What's up? Did he do something stupid?"

"It's not that, I just..." I could see sadness and frustration in her eyes. "I just don't think I know how to be a girlfriend, ya know? I'm always saying the wrong thing. He says I don't care about him. Maybe he's right." Ronnie pouted. "I dunno." She pulled up to the order menu at the only car hop place in town, and turned the engine off. "I don't think I'm meant to ever be in love, Adi. It seems like... like there is something broken inside of me. Like I don't have the capacity to love..." She sneezed.

"I don't think that's true. I know you love Jake, you love me, you love your Dad. You KNOW how to love." I handed her a tissue out of my bag. She blew her nose.

"Thanks, Adi." She grabbed our drinks from the car hop. "Adison Taylor you are the best friend a gal could ever, ever have."

"Yes! Sisters forever?" It was our new mantra.

"Sisters forever!" she said and we hooked pinkies.

### The Cars played on the radio as we slurped our drinks and continued our cruise. Ronnie's spirits seemed to lift.

### The next morning, Sunday, Jake was up early and putting on a shirt and tie.

"What's the deal, Dad? Did you realize it was Sunday? No work?" I stumbled out of my room, still half asleep.

"Yeah, uh. I know, Ad. I meant to tell you last night, but I have sort of a date."

### I rubbed my eyes and wondered if I was still asleep and dreaming. "Okay, pinch me. I thought I just heard you say you had a date!" I half laughed, shaking my head.

"Yes, I do." Jake walked past me and grabbed an old bottle of cologne off his dresser and dabbed some behind his ears. "I'm taking this lady friend of mine from the office to church and then to lunch."

I paused, completely flabbergasted. My dad? On a date? My dad? To my knowledge the man hadn't been out on a date ever since Mom died. "What? Wait, wait, you mean YOU and a female person of the opposite sex, are going out together somewhere?"

### Jake shook his head and stifled a laugh, putting his hands on his hips. "Yeah. Is that really so hard to believe? That someone might want to spend time with your old man?"

I suddenly felt funny. How did I feel about this? He was still very much a good-looking man, but being his daughter, I suppose it never occurred to me... wow. I really could be clueless at times. It made sense he would want some female companionship. I'd only ever seen him chat with Sam occasionally, or go to a ball game with his best buddy Steed. Steed had gotten his moniker, as some sort of bovine reference to his abilities with the ladies in college. But Dad have a lady friend? Interesting development.

"Dad, I think that's great, really. Are you sure you want to take her to church on a first date?"

"Well, actually, we've gone out to dinner a couple times. When you were out with Jeff or Ronnie. I just never really... mentioned it." He seemed uncomfortable, no doubt feeling guilty about not having had this discussion sooner.

"Oh." I shrugged, and gave him a hug and wished him a great date. I had some assignments in art class to finish and went into my room and grabbed my pad and pencil and got to work.

### Jeff picked me up at eleven and took me out to lunch. I felt like things were going well with me and Jeff. We spent a good bit of time together. We continued our kissing thing of course, but we never let it get out of hand. So far, nothing beyond kissing, hand-holding and having our arms around each other had taken place. I was perfectly happy with that arrangement, but had been feeling lately like Jeff was getting a little frustrated, and had taken a lot of cold showers. I was proud of his restraint though, and told him so often.

### We had sandwiches at a little café in Midwest City, then strolled through the shops, just enjoying being together. I really liked him. I still didn't completely understand him, but figured that was normal. I couldn't help thinking that there was no way I'd end up with my first love. That rarely ever really happened, but I kept those thoughts at bay, trying only to think positively.

### Jeff lifted me up onto a bench, then leaned in to hug me. This way I was actually taller than him. He nuzzled my neck, then kissed me lightly, up the collar bone, neck and trailed up to my lips. Familiar chills went all through me, and I started to giggle and pull back a little.

"What?" Jeff raised his head and his eyebrows at me.

"Nothing, I just feel a little uncomfortable with PDA, that's all. Wait 'til we're alone." I playfully shoved at his shoulder. His face fell a little, then he grabbed me and spun me around and put me back on the ground, then started walking away with his hands in his pockets.

### We got back to the house to find Ronnie there, chatting with Nick. Ronnie had a key to our house since she was ten, and often used it.

"Hey, buddy how's it goin'?" Jeff and Nick performed a series of convoluted high, low and medium fives and hand slaps, then sat down on the sofa and started catching up.

### I went to Ronnie and hugged her. She pulled me down onto her lap.

"Ack!" I squealed, and then let myself slip onto the floor in front of her chair. She began to play with my hair. Ronnie had always been the one with the long hair, but this summer I had let mine grow quite long, and it was in desperate need of a cut. When I was born my hair had been really light blonde, but had darkened over the years to a deeper shade, and I had acquired a few natural summer highlights by this time.

"Hey, Adi! Come outside and see Nick's new car!" Ronnie tugged on my makeshift ponytail, and got up and ran for the door, stepping over my head in the process. I jumped up and followed her out. I had noticed a car outside but had not even thought that it might belong to Nick, parked on the side of the street as it was.

### I grabbed her arm as we headed down the driveway and leaned in, whispering. "So, you guys are back together? When did that happen?"

"Right after he bought this bitchin' car of course. You know I love boys with cars." We approached the red 1989 Chevy Camaro (I knew this only because Ronnie explained it to me) with awe in our eyes. Wow.

### I hopped in the passenger side and she sat in the driver's seat.

"I totally understand why you're seeing him again, girlfriend." I grinned wickedly. "I bet this car gets you some competition."

"Nah, Nickie is totally faithful." She cranked on the stereo and I felt my brains begin to ooze out my ears, but we both head-banged to the music for a few seconds: Money for Nothing by the Dire Straits. A couple of the neighbors popped their heads out and glared. We continued.

### Nick suddenly stuck his head out the front door. "Hey! Don't screw around with my stereo..." he started coming closer, and I looked over at Ronnie, who seemed to have acquired the car keys. She held them aloft with a sly grin.

"Ronnie... don't!"

### Next thing I knew my head was slammed back against the headrest and we were squealing down the road, leaving black marks on the pavement. I saw Nick's face in the rearview mirror and he was not happy.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER THREE

### Sophomore year slipped up on us really quickly. We mourned summer like the loss of a good friend, but eventually got into the swing of class schedules, teachers, new and old, and homework out the wazoo. Ronnie finally did get her driver's license.

### I had managed to get the creative writing class I wanted, and had fulfilled all of my PE requirements the year before, so I was pretty pleased with my schedule. If I stayed on track, I'd be able to take classes for only half a day my senior year.

### Dad was still seeing... Jane? Jackie? Whatever her name was. He had yet to bring her home. I was happy for him, if she made him happy.

### Jeff, Nick, Ronnie and I went out together every weekend. I was amazed and so proud of Ronnie that she seemed to truly be opening up to Nick; he had become Ronnie's first love. By Christmas she and Nick seemed to be joined at the hip. Ronnie turned seventeen in January and by spring, they were like an old married couple.

### Ronnie was beginning to shoot up in height and had grown taller than many of the boys we knew. She was getting very close to five feet ten inches, just under Nick's six feet. He seemed to have done all of his growing the previous summer. They were a beautiful couple, like royalty at school. All the girls envied Ronnie's beauty and her seemingly perfect relationship.

### Jeff and I had been having some trouble but were trying to hang on. We had plans to go the junior prom with Nick and Jeff, so preparing and shopping for the big night consumed all our thoughts night and day. Not many of the sophomore girls would get to go, so we felt kind of special.

### The night before Prom, Jeff and I sat out on the front porch in silence, listening to crickets chirp in the distance, each lost in our own thoughts. I couldn't help but feel like something was about to happen. I felt like we had come to a place where we had nothing much to say to each other. It wasn't a nice companionable silence, but more like an emotionally charged calm before the storm.

### Finally I decided to break the silence. "Whatcha thinking about?"

"Huh?" Jeff seemed startled, then turned to face me, not really looking at me, but more looking past me.

"You seem deep in thought, I just wondered..."

"Oh, yeah. It's nothing really." He shuffled his feet a little, looking miserable.

"What is it? I can tell there is something on your mind." I grabbed his hand in mine.

### He turned toward me and took hold of both my hands. "Adison... we've been together for what... over a year now." I nodded. "And well, I was just thinking..."

### My heart skipped a beat. "M-m-m?"

"And I was just thinking that maybe it's time we saw other people. You know, just to see... if we're meant to be together or not. What do you think?"

### I was surprised at the depth of my own response. I tried to find my voice, finally choking out, "You want to... break up? Is there someone else? Someone specific you have in mind?" I hated myself that my voice was cracking and despite my best efforts, tears were forming in my eyes.

"No, no. Not really anyone specific. You know how much I care about you..."

"Nice way to show it," I mumbled.

"But it seems like lately, we don't talk. We don't do anything. It's like we lost that spark or something. I mean six months ago I pictured us getting married, the whole deal..."

"You thought about us getting married?" I whispered, voice full of emotion.

"Yeah, sure. Haven't you?" He looked into my eyes and I felt my heart crack. I couldn't hold back the waves of pain that coursed through my body. "I just... I just need to be sure. That this, you and I... are right. Lately I just don't know." He touched my hair and tried to comfort me, but it felt like a betrayal.

### I pulled back and it was like a ripping of flesh when I was no longer touching him. Somehow I just knew I would never touch him again.

"I'm gonna go inside now," I said and turned to go inside.

"Wait! I didn't mean to do this now... tonight. Prom..."

### I had my hand on the doorknob and turned to face him. "I can't go with you now..."

"Please. Let's just go. We're going with two other couples. I don't wanna ruin everyone's time."

### I swiped my wet face with the back of my hand. "I have to think about that..."

"Adi, I'm so sorry..." I looked into his face. He looked pretty miserable but I refused to feel bad for him under the circumstances.

"Good night, Jeff." I left him standing there and went inside and shut the door. As soon as the door closed, I fell to the floor and cried like a baby.

### By noon the next day I still hadn't heard back from him. Part of me thought I'd cuss him out if he called, and the other part of me yearned for him to call with everything inside me. He'd call and say he didn't mean it. He was just having a bad day. Everything could just go back to normal.

### Or could it? Even if he did tell me those things, would I just take him back? Was the spark gone between us? I wandered the house like a ghost, changing the laundry, wiping the kitchen counter down, thinking, crying, thinking some more. Every love song I'd ever heard suddenly made more sense to me. Love really did stink.

### On impulse I grabbed my notebook that had my sketch pad in it and decided to kill some time. I flipped back through some light sketches I had doodled of Jeff in class. On one I added a huge mustache and pimples.

### Finally at 4:00 the phone rang. My heart jumped into my throat.

"Hello?" My heart rate betrayed me by going up.

"Adison. It's me, Jeff. How are you?" I pictured myself banging the phone against the wall over and over again. How did he think I was? I'm crap. I'm a huge stinking mess. I'm a mountain of tangled up emotion.

"Good," I lied.

"So, about tonight. Will you still go with me?" The sound of his voice. He sounded so sweet and kind and sincere. How could I say no? I had to say no.

"Uhm. Okay sure. I bought the dress and the shoes after all." Did that just come out of my mouth? "Hey uhm, did you tell anyone yet? That we broke up?"

"Uh no. I haven't talked to anyone today." Awkward silence.

"Oh, okay.... I uh, just wondered. Me neither."

"Okay. I'll pick you up at seven. Adi, again, I'm very sorry about thi..."

### I hung up. Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?

### What had I gotten myself into? It was seven-thirty and we were at the Eagles Nest restaurant. The place was jammed, elbow to elbow. We had just been seated at a table with Nick, Ronnie, Susan and Dan. Susan Rich was in homeroom with Ronnie and me and Dan Olin was a track team mate of Jeff's.

### After the first five minutes, it became apparent that something was off. Susan and Ronnie kept shooting me surreptitious looks across the table. I had been trying to act normal but wasn't doing a very good job of it. I had scooted my chair a foot away from Jeff's and every time he tried to touch me or speak to me I gave him the cold shoulder. Once I realized that everyone was staring at us, I looked up and gave the best smile I could muster. It came out as more of a grimace.

"You okay guys?" Ronnie asked, looking at the two of us.

"Sure, great," we mumbled at the same time, but it didn't ring true. No one bought it. Awkward silences filled the meal. I picked at my chicken and vegetables. Susan and Ronnie tried to cover the silences with conversation, but it was stilted and short.

### Finally, Ronnie jumped up and said, "Adi, I have to go to the restroom. Come? Please?" She stood up and grabbed the hem of her floor-length black dress and headed towards the ladies room.

"Sure," I mumbled, and followed after. I had chosen a baby blue satin dress with spaghetti straps. I had worked on getting my hair to feather back nicely, but it was too long and didn't cooperate.

### Ronnie had an up-do and looked like she had stepped off a movie set.

"Oh my God, Adi. What happened?" She spun me around as soon as we were in the restroom. It was cramped in there and we jockeyed for a spot where we could talk. The smell of perfume was overpowering.

### I grabbed her in a hug and, despite my will not to mess up my make up, I could feel my eyes welling up. I looked into Adi's eyes and found I couldn't say a word. My bottom lip quivered.

"I'll kill him," she said.

"No, no. Not now, Ronnie. Let's just get through this night. We'll talk later. After. You'll stay at my house, we'll talk." I patted her arm, reassuring and calming her. I patted my eyes with a tissue, and assessed the damage. Then I gave up and walked toward the door.

"Okay, if you say so. But I really want to kill him." I pulled Ronnie behind me. "Just let me know when I can kill him."

### Later that night I found myself sitting alone while everyone else danced. Prom was held in the school gym but the prom committee had gone all out decorating it in a Saturday Night Fever disco theme. Some of the guys had come dressed like John Travolta; in fact most of them. It was a disco nightmare.

### Jeff seemed to spend all of his time with Dan and his track buddies. I didn't see him around many girls, except once. He had just taken to the floor with some senior blonde, when Ronnie cut in. Uh oh. I couldn't tell for sure what was said but Ronnie got angry and stomped off after a moment. No doubt she had demanded Jeff explain himself. I didn't think she had been satisfied with his story.

### I walked over to where Nick and Ronnie had started dancing again and caught her eye. I pointed to the door, letting her know I was gonna leave. Then I realized I didn't have my car there. Ronnie seemed to realize that at the same time and brought her car keys to me.

"Here, Adi. I'll be there in a few. Make some hot cocoa."

### I took her keys and headed for the door, barely managing to get outside before I found that I was crying again. A couple of kids were standing outside cooling off and smoking and looked me over as I ran by.

### I got into the car, locked the doors and leaned my head over onto the wheel. How stupid was I to come to prom with him? He totally ignored me all night. I had to get over it. I had to figure out a way to get this searing pain to leave my chest. I had to figure out how to breathe again.

### At the house, I ran upstairs and splashed water on my face. I hadn't run into my dad since Jeff and I broke up, and hoped to avoid him a little longer. I could hear snores coming from his room, so I figured I had escaped that conversation again for a while at least. I changed into my favorite pajamas and tried to dry my face and stop crying.

### Going downstairs, I grabbed a pint of Rum Raisin from the freezer and a spoon and plopped down on the couch. I turned on the TV, keeping it low for Jake, and watched some MTV. By the time I was halfway through the pint and half a box of tissues, I heard Ronnie pull up. She and Nick came in quietly, whispering to each other.

### Nick came up and stood in front of me. "Adi, I'm sorry about you and Jeff... really. I don't know what his deal is."

"Thanks," I answered, blowing my nose. He walked over to Ronnie and gave her a quick kiss and a squeeze of the arm and they said good night. Ronnie ran up and changed, then came down and plopped down next to me. I noticed she had detoured by the kitchen and grabbed a spoon for herself.

"No cocoa, huh? Ice cream works!" She said, and dug in.

"You didn't have to come home early for me." I shoved her spoon out of my way.

"Sure I did, Ad. I'd rather spend time with you than an icky boy any night of the week."

### I chuckled. "Liar." The ice cream was starting to hit my over-stressed stomach and make me nauseous. "Why do ya think, Ronnie... why doesn't he love me?" Tears quietly formed and fell.

"Oh, Ad," she said and grabbed me in a bear hug. "You're too good for him."

"You know that doesn't really help me feel better, don't you?"

### She gave a snort. "Yeah." She understood that there were no words that would really help or change anything, so she just held me and let me cry.

### I woke up the next morning to realize I had apparently fallen asleep on the sofa. Ronnie had covered me up with a throw blanket. I sat up and stretched. By the time my yawn was out of my mouth, the pain of the break up hit me again, fresh, new and hard, followed immediately by guilt at being so silly about it. But I had loved him. He was my first love and no matter how hard I tried to set it aside, the heartache was still there... throbbing, pulsing like a living demon. I couldn't seem to shake it. The familiar feeling of unexpected loss kept making me flash back to losing my mom, though those memories had faded a good bit. Nothing was really clear, but just that familiar feeling that, once again life had reached out and slapped me hard.

### I managed to dress. I saw that Ronnie had gone, probably off to see Nick. I peeked in Jake's room and saw him putting on his robe. I turned to go downstairs, and he caught sight of me.

"Good morning, sweetie. How was prom?" Just then he looked at me and noted my red and swollen eyes, puffy face and general miserable demeanor. "Hey," he ran over to me and put a hand on my cheek. "What's all this? Have you been crying?"

"Yeah, I guess." Oh God I couldn't do this. I couldn't get through explaining this one to Dad.

### He hugged me and I totally lost it. I cried and cried as he shushed and comforted me the best he could. I cried and snotted all over his plaid robe.

### Finally, I got hold of myself and pulled back, trying to wipe the moisture off his lapel, but he brushed my hand away. "Stop fussing. Now tell me all about it, huh?"

### We plopped down on the edge of his bed and he listened as I told him what had happened, what Jeff had said, and how I'd stupidly agreed to go to prom anyway. He looked grim and got very quiet. I saw his teeth clench.

"I'm sorry, Adi," he eventually said. "I am so sorry. I know you can't really hear or understand this right now, but you will get over this. I promise. First cuts are always the deepest." I thought of the song. I never knew what the words to that song had meant before. I liked the song better now.

"When does it stop hurting, Dad?" I asked.

### He sighed heavily. "Unfortunately, time has to pass. In a week you'll feel a little better. In a month even better. It's different for everyone, but you will heal." He squeezed my hand. "Ya want me to pound on him?" he asked with a grin.

"Nah, I don't want you in jail," I said.

### I couldn't really picture it. I couldn't fathom how I would ever stop hurting or even begin to try and love someone else.

"Thanks, Dad." I had to get to my room so I could fall apart again. I could see that my pain was causing him pain. I thought I might have seen the beginning of tears in his eyes. I knew it had to remind him of losing Mom.

### He kissed the top of my head, and I assured him I was fine and was just going to go clean my room. Then I cleaned my room and cried some more.

### Before we knew what happened school was out, and I was contemplating getting a summer job. I applied at three dress shops, a sandwich shop and a shoe store at the mall. No one seemed overly interested in hiring me, but I hoped someone would call. Ronnie thought I was crazy. She had no concept of needing to work for money and didn't quite grasp why I would want to demean myself in such a way. I tried to explain how I'd like to have money to buy things and that I didn't have a whopping bank account of my own like some people. She had replied "Oh!" Like the light had finally come on and she realized I was working class. She went right out and bought me a couple hundred dollars worth of clothes and a new cassette player for my car.

### The next day, Dad asked me to come out to the car; he was going to install the new cassette player for me. "Ads, show me what it is yours does wrong?"

"Well, I'm not sure I can make it happen, it kinda has a mind of its own," I said, and popped in a cassette of Pat Benatar. It made a noise not unlike if you'd dropped a stapler into a garbage disposal, then spat an ungodly wad of tangled up tape out. It landed right on Dad's lap. I gave him a look.

"That's good, you can go in now," he said, looking at the tape player like it was possessed. I had my suspicions.

### Things went along and I did indeed begin to get over Jeff. Summer made it easier, because I didn't have to pass him in the hallway or run into him in the parking lot. I did finally get a job at a local sandwich place, and worked about twenty-five hours a week, spending little and saving a lot.

### Dad sat me down and told me that things hadn't worked out between him and Jackie. I couldn't help but wonder if my pain had stirred a feeling in him, that he was taking too big a chance on getting hurt again himself. He seemed to throw himself back into his job with renewed fervor, bringing work home with him some nights, working late others.

### Ronnie took a trip to Lake Thunderbird with Nick that summer. I felt a little funny about it. She had told Sam that she was going with a group – complete with chaperones, but I knew that wasn't true. They slipped off alone for a long weekend. I worried that Ronnie was in too deep. I worried that she and Nick would have sex. I fretted about whether or not they'd use protection and what could happen to her. She brushed off my concerns, and said she was a big girl and could handle herself. Neither of us had a clue how her life was about to change.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER FOUR

### I turned seventeen in August 1991 and school started and Ronnie and I were lucky enough to get three of our classes together. I had begun to feel a little distance between us, as I had assumed would happen, since she and Nick were still together and I was alone. I soon tired of being the third wheel, always tagging along with them on outings. Eventually Ronnie knew not to ask me to come along when they went out. I sketched, I read and read, devouring books, losing myself in the lives of others, fictional though they were.

### Then in November, Ronnie came in one night, using her key. I was thrilled to see her and gave her a hug. I could tell she was troubled about something, so I fixed us a pot of coffee and we sat down for a chat.

### At first Ronnie was very quiet. Then she suddenly smiled and blinked back tears. She reached across the table and grabbed my hand. "I'm pregnant."

### I just knew I had misheard her. "What? You're... what?!"

### She shook her head up and down, hair flying, curls bouncing. Tears dripped down her cheeks softly. "Yeah. I'm... gonna be a mom."

### I caught myself gaping and closed my mouth then stood up and ran around to hug her. "Oh my God, Ron. What... when did... I mean how...?"

"I am so sorry I haven't been around as much lately, Adi. I've ignored you, and it's just... it's not right..."

"No, no, stop. I understand. You guys are in love, all that." I sat down and held onto her hand.

"Anyway, I um took a pregnancy test at the house the other day. It came back positive, so I went to the doctor this afternoon. I'm due in April."

"Oh God, Ronnie, I don't know what to say. Have you told Nick? Does he know?"

"No, I haven't told him. And Adi, it's... the baby is not Nick's."

### Later that night as I lay there trying to sleep, I kept thinking about Ronnie and wondered if I could have done or said anything that might have made a difference. I was so blown away. I had always known Ronnie to be a bit of a free spirit, but I just never thought of her as someone who would fool around on Nick. They'd been together for so long and seemed so perfect and so right together. I had kind of guessed she and Nick had been sleeping together.

### I had asked her to tell me the whole story. She told me that they had started sleeping together when they went on the lake trip. They had talked about it for so long, and decided they were truly in love and planned to be together forever, so they took the plunge. Within a couple of weeks, they had started to have trouble. Nick had begun to be grouchy and needy and seemed to want to do nothing more than have sex. One night after a party, Nick had started groping her in the car, and she lost it; started screaming at him and jumped out of the car and went inside her house and slammed the door. The next day she ran into Dan Olin from school in the city and they had got to talking, and ended up spending the entire day together. She said he made her feel special again. He made her feel pretty and desired and many feelings she hadn't had in a long time had surfaced, and before she knew it, they had started flirting, then kissing, and by nightfall she had slept with him.

### I couldn't understand losing control that much. But then I remembered how vulnerable I was just after Jeff broke up with me, and thought that just maybe I may have, under a certain set of circumstances, allowed myself to get into trouble. I tried not to judge her, but just be there for her. She had a long hard road ahead, and I wanted to be there for her, no matter what. I resolved myself to make sure she knew that, and after reading a few pages of a paperback, I rolled over and went to sleep.

The following week, Ronnie was staying over and Dad was out of town on business. Ronnie had called Nick and asked him to come over and talk. I so did NOT want to be there for this discussion, but Ronnie wanted me there so I agreed to stay.

### Nick showed up and kissed me on the cheek and Ronnie on the lips and we sat around the living room, not saying anything at first.

"So, you said you wanted to tell me something and Adi needed to be here... I gotta say I'm a little nervous. What's this about?" Nick fidgeted in his chair and swiped the hair out of his eyes.

### I exchanged a look with Ronnie, then she stood up and went to him and grabbed both of his hands. "I have something to tell you and you're not going to like it."

Boy, talk about understatements I thought.

"Things haven't been... that great between us, Nickie. I've been feeling like you don't want to be around me unless we're having sex. Then we started fighting a lot. That day, I stormed out of your car, the next day, I... I need to tell you that I... I've been with someone else."

### Nick jerked his hands from Ronnie and stepped back a little. "What? What do you mean you've been with someone else? You mean sex? You slept with someone?!" His face was red and his voice was getting louder and louder.

### Ronnie tried to go to him but he kept turning away and rubbing his forehead, like he could make it all go away.

"I'm so sorry. No matter our issues, I shouldn't have done that..."

"Ya think? How could you do that? How? Who was it? Tell me who it was." He began to pace back and forth like a caged animal.

"It's not important who it was..." Ronnie said.

"Damn it Ron, tell me now!" He pounded his fist into the wall. This was getting out of hand.

"Maybe we should all sit down and take a deep breath..." I interjected.

### Nick turned on me. "You stay outta this. It doesn't concern you."

"Don't you talk to Adi that way!" Ronnie yelled. Nick paced some more, grief and pain clear on his face.

"I can't even believe this. I gotta get outta here." He went for the door.

"Wait, there's more," Ronnie said in a low voice.

### Slowly Nick turned in exasperation, not looking as if he could take any more. "What?" he mumbled with emotion.

"I'm pregnant... and with the timing of everything... I'm pretty sure the baby isn't yours."

### After Nick left, I held Ronnie and let her cry it out for a long while. I said inane, trite things and tried my best to offer comfort. She told me that she would not tell Dan Olin that he had gotten her pregnant. She didn't want to disrupt his life, and didn't see a future for the two of them. We talked a little longer. Finally I tucked her into bed and sat by her until she was finally able to fall asleep.

### By the second week after that, it was obvious to Ronnie that Nick wasn't coming back to her. He continued to avoid her and ignored all of her phone calls. I didn't know what it was like to be seventeen and pregnant but I knew what it was like to lose someone you love. We spent every spare moment together for several weeks, as I held her hand, literally and figuratively through losing Nick.

### Christmas time came and Ronnie was with us through most of the holiday break. Sam had gone out of town (he had been dating a lady in Dallas, and frequently traveled out of town to see her). Christmas morning we woke up and ran down to the tree where Ronnie opened the maternity pajamas I got for her, and I opened way too many presents from her: everything from jewelry to clothes to high-end electronics. She went overboard as usual. Jake's face broke out in a wide smile as he opened a huge box containing a new television set that was almost bigger than the living room. He tried to tell her it was too much, but gave up arguing after a bit.

### The little bump that had appeared on Ronnie's long, lean body was a source of constant amusement and wonder for us. We both began to talk to her tummy frequently, as if the little guy or gal inside could easily understand everything we said.

### Sam, Ronnie later told me, upon finding out she was pregnant had stared at her for several seconds, then walked out the door to go to work. They'd barely spoken since. She began to rely more and more on Jake as a father figure. Jake was beginning to get excited at the thought of being an honorary grandpa.

### In early January of 1992, we were awakened by Ronnie's screams. Jake and I rushed into Ronnie's bedroom and found her doubled over in pain, screaming and crying. I yanked the sheets back to help her up and noticed blood all over her and the sheets. Dad freaked and called 911. I sat with her until the ambulance arrived, reassuring her that it was going to be okay.

### We followed the ambulance to the hospital and waited in the surgical

### waiting room for what seemed like hours, but was only about an hour and a half, before a doctor came out and told us that she had lost the baby. The fetus had not been viable and didn't make it. The doctors said it was for the best.

### The next few weeks were hard. Jake and I alternated taking care of Ronnie, making sure she rested. Her eighteenth birthday came and went without fanfare. I brought her a card and a cupcake; she cried.

### Sam came once but didn't stay long. He seemed awkward and unsure around his daughter, not knowing what to do or say to offer comfort as well as feeling guilty about not being more supportive.

### Spring came and Ronnie had fallen into deep depression. She had missed a week of school and when she came back, people treated her differently, whispering behind her back, avoiding her, refusing to look her in the eye. She tried to push through, but the strain of Nick leaving her and losing the baby was becoming more than she could bear.

Jake shared with me that he had talked to Sam about the possibility of seeking professional help, but Sam refused to believe Ronnie needed it, said she'd snap out of it. Jake and I talked to her as much as she would allow, but she seemed to be disappearing before our eyes. Her weight was dangerously low and she never seemed to eat, only picking at even her favorite foods. I couldn't wait for the school year to end, hoping that maybe being away from cruel staring eyes and gossip might help Ronnie heal.

### Meanwhile, it seemed as Ronnie's popularity decreased, mine had increased, at least with the opposite sex. I hadn't really dated anyone since Jeff, but apparently (according to Ronnie and other friends) I was blossoming and coming into my own. Finally, to my immense satisfaction my bra size increased that year, and somehow my facial features matured, and I began to look less like a child, and more like a young lady. What had happened early on to Ronnie was only just happening to me.

### My phone rang almost nightly with one guy or another trying to chat me up or ask me out. I had been so wrapped up in Ronnie's troubles, I hadn't even seriously considered going out with anyone. There was a small spark of something inside of me that said it was time to really let go of Jeff and move on. It was time to try dating again, to open myself up to a relationship. I was scared to death.

### Neither of us went to our junior prom. Then summer break came and it began to sink in to me that I was about to be a senior in high school. I started looking into colleges and thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up. I had no idea.

### Ronnie and I were sitting in the local café and having sandwiches one day, when I saw the first sign that she was coming back to her old self. She ate a whole sandwich.

"Wow, cool," I commented, gesturing towards her empty plate.

"Whut?" she asked, wiping crumbs from her face. She looked so drawn and pale, but her beauty was still evident. This day she had even taken the time to style her hair.

"You're eating, girl. That's great. You look... very pretty and very together today."

"I have to say I kind of feel like I'm waking up from a nightmare. I woke up this morning and just decided I wanted to live again." She offered up a small tentative grin.

"I'm so glad to hear that. We've all been so incredibly freaked out and worried about you." I patted her hand.

"I will survive," she said and giggled. We went back to my car and climbed in, heading back to the house. We went home and threw on our swimsuits and walked down to the pool at our subdivision, looking to catch a few rays.

### Later that evening, we sat and chatted about what we may want to do over the weekend.

"We can always cruise the city." I gave her a wink and got up to load the dishwasher.

"Good grief. That gets old after a while. We could go bowling."

"That might be fun," I said, popping a chip in my mouth. So we made our plans, got fixed up in jeans and cute shoes and tees, and headed out to the bowling alley.

### In a small town in the Midwest, a bowling alley can be a real hub of activity. It was packed full of others like us, desperate for something to do; to get out around other people and socialize. There were obviously some bowling leagues happening on one end, and several small groups of people filled the other lanes.

### We got checked in, rented our shoes and went to sit down. I bent down to tie my shoes and saw another set of feet standing right in front of me; a very familiar set of feet. I'd know those running shoes anywhere. I stopped for a second, then let my eyes travel slowly up the jean-clad legs, to the long, tall runner's body. And eventually to the face of Jeff Treasdale. My breath caught.

### He smiled. I smiled.

"So, Adison! How have you been?" he asked as though we were long-lost friends.

### I looked around and saw Ronnie come back from the restrooms and stop suddenly when she realized who I was talking to.

"Ronnie! Look who it is..." I said with false enthusiasm.

"Oh, goodie," she said and plopped down to change her shoes.

### Jeff looked at Ronnie and made a face, then turned back to me.

"Whatcha been up to? You're looking good." He smiled wide and I saw the cute little way his eyes crinkled at the corners, and how his mouth tilted slightly more upward on the right side. I remembered what it was like to be so easy and comfortable around him and how we always touched each other when we were around each other; holding hands, arms around each other... It seemed un-natural to not be touching him. It felt awkward.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "You look good, too." A huge lump was forming in my throat and I could feel my heart rate picking up.

### Jeff stood there awkwardly for a few beats, then started to turn away. "I'll see ya, Ads." He blushed and turned to head back to his group of friends. I couldn't help but notice there were males and females in the group. I found myself watching closely to see if he touched anyone, or anyone touched him.

### Ronnie caught me staring over at him, and gave me a nudge.

"Hey! Adi! Earth to Adi! Dude who creamed your heart, remember?" She held her pink bowling ball aloft and studied it, as if contemplating hurling it at the back of Jeff's head.

"Yeah... I remember. Do I ever remember." I sat down and watched Ronnie throw her first ball. (She threw it down the alley, not at Jeff after all.) It went straight into the gutter, but she did a little dance anyway, obviously enjoying herself.

### All evening I noticed that Jeff and his gang kept looking over at us. I felt like I was on stage, and that he was telling everyone about me or something. Paranoia, most likely.

Ronnie and I actually had a really great time and laughed together more than we had in a long time, and I had to admit, I'd been acting exceptionally goofy, since I felt Jeff watching me. I suppose I put on a little bit of a show. As I sat down to remove my shoes, I turned slightly to see if I could spot Jeff, flicking my hair a little, and was mad at myself when I felt the lurch in my heart once I realized they had left. Stupid, stupid, stupid, I thought. Why am I letting him get to me?

### Ronnie threw her arm around me on the way out the door, sensing I was feeling a little down about Jeff. "Why are we like we are? I was so mad at you that you were paying attention to him and all... then I realized I'd be a basket case if it was Nick."

"Completely and utterly hopeless, that's me," I said as I got in the car and slammed the door. I vowed then and there to date someone else... and soon.

### The following Saturday morning I began going over the choices in my head. I had my pick of things to do that night: I could go out with Ronnie, stay home with Ronnie, go out with John Hall from art class, go out with Stephen Lambert from math class, or chuck it all and stay home alone with a good movie rental and a bag of corn chips.

### I was also contemplating turning eighteen soon and how that would change my life. I had decided to go to Rose State Community College and take some basic classes until I figured out what else I wanted to do. I was still totally clueless in that arena.

### Jake had set me up a makeshift desk in my room and had gotten a hold of a PC that one of his co-workers was getting rid of, and fashioned for me a great place to do homework. The monitor was huge, but we knew we were the first in our neighborhood to have a computer in our house, so we felt extremely cool and high tech. Jake, Ronnie and I took turns at the computer, on nights and weekends, but managed to get everything done we needed to do.

### The phone rang and I grabbed it. (The new cordless phones Dad had picked up had several channels and I often couldn't hear anyone on the other line until I switched the channel a couple of times.)

"Hello?" I asked hopefully.

### Someone was actually there. "Um, hello, is this Adison?"

"Yes, hi John. It's me. What are you doin'?" I cricked my neck all up holding the phone with my head as I held up different and random items of clothing in front of me in the full-length mirror.

### John was the football-player type, wide, broad shoulders, pure muscle. He had played football in years past, but wasn't on the team this year.

"Hey, I was just... thinking about you. What are you doin'? Did you decide what you wanted to do tonight?" he sounded playful and happy. It was nice.

### I made a spur of the moment decision to go out with him. "I guess I'm going out with you." I smiled in the mirror, then frowned when I realized my favorite blue tee was way too small."Do you have a car?" I realized I didn't even know. I chuckled to myself, thinking of Ronnie's theory that a boy without a car just isn't worth talking to.

"Yeah, sure. I have a '88 Mustang. Black. Can I pick you up at say... six?" he said.

"Sure, that'd be great. Do you know where I live?"

"Yeah, I looked you up in the phone book."

### I felt special that he had taken the time. "'Kay. See ya at six then. Bye."

"Bye. Hey! Adi..."

"Yeah?"

"I can't wait."

"Me neither." I realized it was true. The feeling of anticipation was new and wonderful. I did laundry all day, making sure I maximized my options.

### Finally I decided on dressy jeans and heels and a pretty black blouse, and accented it with hoop earrings and a silver cross that had been my mom's. I had styled my hair kind of long and flowing with a little curl at the ends. I dug my best black purse out of the back of my closet, and was ready to go fifteen minutes early. I came downstairs and found Jake microwaving something.

"Going out, Adi?" he asked.

"Yes. His name is John Hall and he'll be here in a few minutes. I... was just gonna run out."

"No, I really want to meet him. He can come to the door. Any decent guy can come to the door, at least on a first date."

"Sheesh. Okay, but only cuz you're so cute." I reached up and tousled dad's graying curls. Thanks to my heels I barely reached.

### He smiled, and leaned down for a hug.

### The door bell rang. "Early... I like it," I mumbled. I opened the door and John was standing there looking like a Greek god. How had I not realized before how good-looking this guy was? Seriously, was I blind before? Blinded by Jeff, I supposed.

"Uh, hey!" I finally found my voice, and opened the door wider to let him in.

"Adison, you look gorgeous." John spotted Jake and stuck out his hand. "Mr. Taylor. Nice to meet you." He shook hands with Dad. "I'm John Hall."

"Call me Jake," Dad answered. John was looking right into Dad's eyes when he spoke, not looking nervous or squirrely at all. Dad was eating it up.

"Come sit down, young man. So how do you know Adi?"

Whew boy. Third degree time. I guess Dad was feeling like he hadn't screened well enough with Jeff. He was going to make up for it. I didn't want to sit and chat; I wanted to go out and get to know John.

### We all sat at the kitchen table.

"Adison and I have art and lunch together, sir."

Sir. His stock was rising fast.

"Dad, can we just..." I gestured toward the front door. John chuckled.

"It's okay, Adi. I have sisters. I understand how Jake feels."

### Dad stood up and leaned in for another hand shake, big smile on his face. He was so easy. John could be a serial killer for all he knew... but he was polite and well-mannered. "You kids have fun. Be careful." Dad went upstairs.

### I looked over at John, embarrassed. "Sorry. I don't know what gets into him sometimes."

"No problem, Adi. Ready to go?" His smile was so adorable!

"Yup." I stood and followed him out the door then turned and took my keys out of my bag and locked the front door. He helped me into the car and shut the door for me, then went around to the driver's side and climbed in. It was incredibly hot out this summer, and this day was no exception. John immediately rolled down the windows and turned on the air.

"You okay? It'll just take a minute to cool off." He reached across and helped me buckle in.

"Thanks," I mumbled. "I'm good. It's making my skin glisten so I'll have a lovely glow," I joked.

### John smiled and blushed a little. He was too precious. He seemed both young and naïve and mature and strong, all at the same time. He had short dark brown hair, almost black, brown eyes and near perfect features. When I didn't think he noticed, I stared at him while he drove. I couldn't find a flaw in the strong cut of his jaw, flawless skin and perfectly shaped lips and nose.

### He caught me staring. "What? Do I have something in my teeth?" He ran his tongue over his teeth, and for some reason the gesture sent a thrill through me.

"No, no... everything's... perfect."

"I yust got my baces ought uh unth ago" he said with his lips pulled back, showing off his perfect teeth.

### I giggled. I could just sit and look at him all night.

### And I sort of did. We sat and talked, classical piano music wafting in the background of the upscale Italian restaurant. I don't remember what we ate, or even really what we talked about but we didn't take our eyes off each other all night. We must've sat there for hours, joking, laughing, getting to know each other. He told me all about growing up out in the country on a horse ranch and joked about his one older sister and one younger sister. He called his parents Ozzie and Harriet and told many stories of growing up in a home where there were two parents who loved and cherished each other. I told him about my mom and a lot about Ronnie as she was the closest thing to a sibling I had.

I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He said he was interested in becoming a phlebotomist. I almost spit out my bread when he said that, not knowing what it really meant. Was that plants? He explained that it involved drawing blood from people and testing it in a lab. I felt like a dumb blonde but was glad he took the time to explain it to me.

### He asked a little about Ronnie's pregnancy and miscarriage but didn't seem critical, just concerned. He was glad to hear she was getting better.

### The waitress had been dropping subtle hints for almost an hour that she wished we'd hit the road. Finally, we pushed back our chairs, John coming around and helping me with mine. As we walked along the sidewalk, gazing in shop windows, he reached over tentatively and grabbed my hand, then chuckled.

"Is that okay? I really wanted to hold your hand."

"Yes, fine." We walked and talked and finally got in the car.

"It's still pretty early. What do you want to do now?" John asked with a grin. I shrugged. "Wanna go see my house?"

"Out in the country? How far away is it?"

"No, sorry. We moved closer into the city a couple years ago. It's only about twenty minutes from here, only about five minutes from your house. We sold the ranch."

"Oh. Sure, okay." I was a sponge, soaking in everything John. There was a little voice in my head that told me to take it slow and easy and not be too willing to give my heart away. It was still a wounded and fragile heart. But I felt really safe so far.

### We pulled into one of our little town's higher-priced subdivisions and then into the driveway. Once again John came around and got the door for me. He opened the front door and we walked into a living room that was spacious and well decorated and occupied by four people. His mom and dad were waltzing around the living room to some popular country tune, Randy Travis, I thought. His younger sister was parked a foot in front of the TV, and the older one was folding a load of laundry on the couch. Introductions were made all around. Everyone was so kind and friendly and immediately treated me like family. We sat around their kitchen table and drank coffee, and finally I looked at John and stifled a yawn. John's sister Janie, the little one, had passed out on the sofa and it was getting pretty late. We got up and I went to shake Mr. and Mrs. Hall's hands, and they embraced me with a hug, telling me to come over anytime.

### On the ride back, we both got quiet, each lost in our own thoughts.

### John walked me to the door and I turned and looked up at him. Now that I had grown to a whopping five feet two inches tall, he was only about six inches taller than me. He had turned eighteen a few weeks back, and I was looking forward to turning eighteen in about a month's time. We were almost adults. I didn't feel very adult. I felt scared and happy and anxious and all sorts of things all at once.

"Adison, I had no idea... how awesome you are. I knew you were beautiful, that you had your own mind; that all the guys at school admire you from afar, but I just thought that maybe you'd be snobby if I tried to get to know you. Silly, huh? I judged you. I was wrong." His face turned serious.

### I reached up and brushed the tips of my fingers along his jaw. He smiled and grabbed hold of my hand, holding onto it, then kissing the palm, slowly. It took my breath away more than if he'd kissed me on the mouth.

"John, I... I really like you; almost too much and too fast. I had a really nasty break up last year..."

"Treasdale, right?" I nodded."He's an idiot. Sorry, I just mean... he seems a little immature. I think he misses you. He talks about you a lot. He's been seeing Kathy Iverson this summer."

### Kathy was a cheerleader and seemed a little shallow to me, but I hadn't gotten to know her very well. I was surprised that I wasn't more hurt by that information.

"I'm glad he's moving on," I said, and truly meant it. The pain from before seemed more like a shadow or a distant memory. Was that because I truly didn't love him anymore, or because I was standing here with this wonderful young man?

"Anyway. I only bring it up, because I keep telling myself I need to take things slow. I just wanted you to know, if I seem at all... I dunno, strange. It's not you. I think you're wonderful."

"I think you may be the best decision I ever made," he said, and leaned down and kissed me. I had been wrong before; the kiss on the palm couldn't compare. I found myself getting lost in that kiss. It started as a tiny peck but grew more and more intense, until I finally pulled back and ended it, breathless.

"Wow," I said, barely able to speak. My first, well, grown up kiss.

"Good night. I'll call you in the morning." He kissed me one last time on the forehead, then left.

### I went inside, half expecting to see Jake on the couch, but he wasn't there. He really must like John. As I walked slowly up the stairs, lightly touching my lips, I heard a soft snore from Dad's room, and knew he was out. Then I went in my room and there was Ronnie, passed out on my bed.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER FIVE

### I plopped down next to Ronnie roughly and sighed loudly.

"You up?" I asked and poked her ribs.

"No," she answered, then pulled the pillow over her head.

"C'mon! I need to talk. I just had a fantastic, hot date... I'll tell you all the details!" That got her attention.

"Humnh? Hot date? Wait a sec." She sat up and propped herself up against the headboard. "Go."

"John Hall."

"John Hall? He's yummy. He is... a senior, was in football last year, and hangs out with some of the cowboys."

"Yep. Just got his braces off... looking good. He is so sweet and polite and well mannered and Jake loves him!"

"No freakin' way...Jake likes a guy you're dating? Get out!" She hit me with the pillow.

"Yeah, weird, huh? But that kiss, now that's, something else again."

"What kiss? He kissed you? Tell me all about it!" she was wide awake at this point.

### So I told her all about the date, beginning to end. My heart pounded when I told her about his kiss. By the time I got to the part about coming upstairs and poking her in the ribs, she was out again.

### Next morning I woke up to the smells of bacon, eggs, toast and coffee. I threw on some shorts and flew down the stairs. Dad and Ronnie were chatting at the breakfast table. Dad had the paper open, half reading, half carrying on a conversation.

"M-m-m-m coffee!" I mumbled and went straight to the pot and filled a huge mug, adding cream and sugar. I sat down at the table and wondered which one of them would bring John up first this morning. I said nothing, just sipped my coffee.

### Dad put his paper down and looked at Ronnie, then me. Ronnie looked at me. Why was everyone looking at me?

"What?!" I yelled.

"Come ON Adi. John...what's the deal? Are you two together-together?" Dad asked. Ronnie grinned.

"Guys. No pressure here okay. I like him."

"Oh I think you should take it slow for sure. Seems nice though," Jake added. "I don't want to see you get hurt, so go easy."

"I know, Dad. I will. But it feels really good to feel good again, and to like someone."

### Dad tuned to Ronnie. "How are you doing? Seeing anyone?" he asked tentatively, not wanting to step on any toes.

"Nah, but I think I need to follow Adi's lead and get back out there."

"You take it slow too, ya hear?" He winked at Ronnie and she smiled back.

"Will do, DAD," she joked.

### Jake left to go over to his buddy Steed's house to watch a ball game. I was supposed to go out again with John that night. Ronnie was helping me clean my room and round up laundry.

"Hey, Ronnie... can I ask you something?"

"Of course, you can ask me anything, you know that."

"When you were with... Nick," I watched to see if she flinched at the subject matter, "You guys, when you, ya know, did it..."

### Ronnie cracked up and sat down on the bed. "Are you asking me about sex?"

"Well, yeah. Jake sure doesn't want to talk to me about it, and I don't want to talk to him about it either. I mean I took health classes in fifth grade, you know that. I know how it's supposed to work and all; I just wondered... what made you decide that Nick was the one? He was your first, right?"

### She sighed. "Yes, Nick was my first. I really loved him... I thought we'd be married. I just thought it was time."

"Do you regret, you know, going down that road... then it didn't work out between you?"

"I guess, having already slept with Nick, several times, it made it easier for me to sleep with Dan when all that happened. That's what I really regret."

"You've just turned eighteen, and I'm about to...do you think it's bad that I'm, you know, still a virgin?" I felt silly, but really wanted to know her thoughts.

"No, Adi, not at all. Wait, as long as you can. It's not something you can really take back. Once the genie is out of that bottle, it's out."

"What's it like?" I asked, curious and a little shy.

"Exciting, fun... messy." We laughed.

"Thanks." I threw a pillow at her so she could put it in its place on the bed.

### Just when things were going really well, Jeff calls. Night after night, week after week I cried and prayed for him to call, and he calls now. To add insult to injury, it was my birthday.

### Jake and Ronnie had co-conspired and planned my party and John had been there at my side, being as sweet and good as ever. Ronnie had invited several other friends from school. She had decorated the house to the nines while I'd been at work. She knew my favorite color was blue and there were blue paper streamers, I mean everywhere. Blue plates, blue glasses (we're talking the real deal, not paper), blue tablecloths, blue confetti.

### When I walked in the room she had everyone jump out and yell "Surprise!" and I about jumped out of my skin. My hair was greasy and I smelled like meatball subs, but no-one seemed to notice. Ronnie placed a somewhat tacky-looking tiara on my head and tooted a horn. Really, it was almost too much to take in.

### But it was a blast. Jake bought me a new TV for my bedroom. Ronnie baked me a cake all by herself (with blue icing of course). It was a bit of a disaster, but we all smiled our way through two pieces, not to hurt her feelings. Of course she also got me a gift certificate to a hair salon I'd been wanting to visit that cost nearly a hundred dollars. John had actually hand-made me a card that included a coupon for a night on the town, and he also bought me the most beautiful bracelet with my birthstone in it. It was a near perfect day.

### John had left around nine to go over and spend some time with his sisters before bed and I had just finished picking up trash and decided to go check out my new TV up in my room when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Adi. It's Jeff."

"Oh. Hey. What's up?" I wondered if he'd had a death in the family or something. I couldn't fathom why he'd just call out of the blue.

"I... just wanted to hear your voice. I wanted to say happy birthday, too."

"Oh. Thanks."

### Silence.

"Well, I guess I'll let ya go... did you have a good birthday?"

"Yes, I did thanks. It was great. I'm an official adult now."

"Cool. Hey, before you hang up... I just have to ask you something." He sounded determined. Uh oh. "Do you ever think about us? I mean, do you miss us being together... ever?"

### I sighed heavily, not believing the conversation. "Jeff, I do. I cried myself to sleep every night for three weeks, but I have to say, it's been, gosh, over a year now, and I'm really trying to move on here. I'm dating someone else."

"I know. I... heard. John. He's a nice guy." He sounded incredibly sad.

"I'm sorry. I heard you were dating Kathy Iverson. How's that going?"

"It's going. Hey you know, I shouldn't have called," he began to speak more quickly and his voice sounded funny.

"It's okay I just..."

"Bye Adi. I loved you. I'm sorry. Bye." He hung up.

I couldn't even believe that just happened. That did not just happen. My thoughts were stuck, I was brain dead. Even a couple of months earlier, I probably would have jumped all over that phone call and gotten my hopes up about possibly reconciling. It was just too late.

"Ronnie!" I yelled, and ran downstairs to find her.

### School started right on schedule in the fall. Ronnie had applied to Oklahoma University and was accepted, so she'd started making plans. She said she wanted to major in business so she could start a small shop of her own one day and sell clothing and gifts. I was so happy for her and told her to go for it. I still had no idea what classes I would take at Community College. Part of me couldn't wait for high school to be over, and another part of me was scared to death of what the world would hold in store for me. We were finally seniors. We'd made it to the final year.

### As I had planned, I had only four credit hours to take that year, so my last class of the day ended at eleven-fifty in the morning. I still worked occasionally at the sub shop I had worked at in the summer, but kept a light and easy schedule, wanting to make sure I could enjoy the year.

### Life moved on as it does, and before we knew it, the leaves were falling off the trees and the cooler weather had returned. Sam actually showed up to have Thanksgiving dinner, just out of the blue. Ronnie was thrilled. Since she lost the baby, she had stayed almost exclusively at our house, and her relationship with her dad had been more strained than ever. He showed up with a tray of chocolate brownies and a small repentant smile, and we welcomed him in. John had arranged things where he could enjoy our big evening meal with us, having eaten a huge lunch at his house with his family. The five of us had a ball, setting the table with fancy linens. We'd gotten a turkey from the local deli, all of us too afraid to mess it up, to do it ourselves. Dad got caught up in the spirit and broke out an old dusty bottle of wine he'd been saving and the older folks had a glass, the young ones had sips, then switched to soda and iced tea. We'd had a rough couple years, but knew we had much to be thankful for.

### We were all a little teary-eyed by the end of the night as Ronnie hugged her dad for the first time in years, and went back home with him to have a nice long talk.

### Dad said he was actually in the mood to clean up for a change, and chased John and I into the living room. We sat down next to each other and turned on the TV, not really watching several game and parade highlights.

### I could feel John's eyes on me, staring a hole through the side of my head. I turned and looked into his eyes. We were still at the stage where we could sit and stare into each other's eyes for hours on end, never getting enough of each other. I gave him a small chaste kiss, knowing Dad was just in the next room. He snuggled closer. Jeff hadn't been as much of a snuggler as John. He'd do it, but looking back, I think Jeff was looking at it – as a means to an end. John loved to touch as much as I did. We had to be touching each other every moment and could scarcely keep our eyes or hands off each other.

### His personality was goofy, funny and quirky. He was very outgoing, opposite of me, of course. He'd be the one in the center of the group at a party, telling jokes, dancing around being a goofball.

### I hadn't given Jeff's call another thought after telling Ronnie and Jake about it that night. I was moving on.

### Ronnie had finally started dating again. She met the son of one of her dad's friends. He was in his first year at Oklahoma University and came home every weekend to see her.

### She explained to me that she had never been able to date any of the guys at our own school again after everything happened; the gossip, back-biting and meanness that had been shown toward her had basically made her show up and do her work and leave, never really socializing with anyone but me and occasionally one of my other friends.

### When Sam introduced her to David Grace, she thought he was someone she could kind of start fresh with. They hit it off right away, and though I could tell she was taking things slow, she seemed happy for the first time in quite a while; not just healed and whole again, but happy. David was also seeking a business degree and had big dreams of being a tycoon one day - a good match for Ronnie. I couldn't picture her being with anyone that didn't have good financial prospects. He was a freshman at OU, about a year older than Ronnie.

### David Grace was only slightly taller than Ronnie, had a swimmer's body, slim at the hips, thin and broad-shouldered. He'd been on the swim team all through high school. He had a hair color that was slightly lighter than Ronnie's, a light ash-brown. It came down to just below the ears and had tons of natural wave. There was one lock of hair that seemed to continually fall over one eye, and he was forever brushing it back. He was extremely nice-looking, with a slightly crooked nose, longish face and boyish grin.

### Christmas came and went with little fanfare. We had our normal small family gathering and gift exchange, with the addition of John, David and Sam this year. Winter break was still on and everyone seemed to congregate at my house.

We planned a small New Year's Eve party for family and close friends. Dad's friend Steed was coming with his latest fling, and a "set-up" for Dad (oh brother... how would that go?) then Ronnie and David, John of course, his older sister Kelly and her boyfriend, Sam was coming with his latest girlfriend, or at least they promised to stop by, but had a full evening of parties to hit. Ronnie and I went to the local party supply store and browsed silly hats and party favors, finally settling on a pastel confetti themed set of goodies. Then we went grocery shopping and picked out all sorts of appetizers, finger foods, soft drinks, etc. Ronnie insisted on paying for everything. I agreed but told her Jake would pay her back for half of it later. She shrugged it off. Money was never an object with Ronnie. It seemed that was one thing Sam continued to lavish on her: If not his love and his time, then always his money.

### Once we got everything home and inside, we began to clean the house and get everything ready. People were due to show up around nine so we had a few hours to prepare. Soon every surface sparkled, the wood floors were so shiny we could see ourselves in them and every dish was clean. Ronnie picked out a selection of all our favorite tunes to play in the background.

### Finally we took our showers and got ready for the evening. Jake was downstairs tying not to burn the appetizers and waiting for the doorbell to start ringing. I hadn't seen him so nervous in... well, ever. He was completely freaked out over his blind date, and had kept trying to back out of it all day. I helped him pick out an outfit I felt made him look clean and sharp yet casual and laid back. Decent pressed jeans, boat shoes and a striped long-sleeve shirt, with a navy blue sweater thrown over the top. If she didn't think he was the best-looking forty-something in the city, then it would be her loss.

### As Ronnie and I were coming down the stairs, we heard the bell ring and the sound of something dropping on the kitchen floor immediately after.

"I'll clean up the mess... you take care of that mess," Ronnie said, gesturing her head towards Jake.

### I went to see if Jake was actually managing to open the door. He was. It was only John. Jake shook his hand and breathed a sigh of relief.

"You seem happy to see me, sir," John joked.

"You have no idea," said Jake. He trotted off back to the kitchen.

### John was dressed Oklahoma cowboy for the occasion. He wore it well; Levi's, brown alligator cowboy boots, a bright white tee with some sort of logo on the front, covered by a blue flannel shirt, sleeves cuffed at the wrist. It wasn't fancy, but looked new and pressed. His ensemble was completed with a well-worn but authentic cowboy hat. He had removed it when he came in the house, and was constantly messing with his hair, fearing hat-head I guessed. I thought his hair was fine and told him so, as I reached up for a quick kiss. He smelled wonderful! Some kind of soap and a hint of a musky cologne. I suddenly wished we were having a night alone, instead of having to socialize with others. There was always later...

### The others finally arrived, even Steed with two "forty-something" ladies in tow. He introduced them as Janice and Kyla (Kyla was obviously Steed's girl, and Janice smiled shyly up at Jake). I actually heard Jake's gulp.

Janice was buxom and blonde and very, very... what's the word: poofy. She was attractive enough, well-preserved for her age, with hair that sort of shot out in all directions, teased and sprayed to the hilt. Farrah Fawcett with spray gel and a teasing comb. Her skin was tanned but not leathery and she had beautiful light-blue eyes.

### I hugged her in welcome as Jake made all the introductions. She came over to where I was filling glasses with soda and looked me over a little more thoroughly.

"So... Adison," she began.

"Call me Adi," I shot her a smile.

"Adi. I've heard so much about your father... and you. Steed and Kyla were right. Your dad is a fox."

### I gulped. "Steed called my dad a fox?"

"Oh! Sorry, no, Kyla did." She grabbed a chip out of a nearby bowl. "Wish me luck!" she said as she wandered over toward Jake, who looked a little like a deer in headlights. I wasn't sure what I was wishing for – for whom, at this point.

### Ronnie and David were slow-dancing in the living room, along with Steed and Kyla. Janice was on a mission to get Jake out there, but he was ambivalent at best, stubborn at worst, when it came to dancing. She finally settled down on the sofa next to him to talk. I decided to stop watching over Dad as if he was the child and went to find John. He was piling snacks and finger foods onto his paper plate and still managed to look like a king. I didn't know how he did that... he wore the same clothes other people wore, he was just... standing there, but he looked like royalty. He had a way about him; charisma, charm, I wasn't sure what, but it was damned attractive.

### I slipped up behind him and wrapped my arms around him, holding on tight. I felt, rather than heard, him chuckle.

"That'd better be you, Adison," he said as he sat down his plate and spun around. He leaned down for a sweet kiss. "Nice party, beautiful."

"Nice... you, gorgeous," I replied. He forgot his plate of food temporarily as he began to dance me around. Wow, I was distracting him from food. How awesome was that?

### I told him what I was thinking. He smiled and his eyes sparkled. "You... are my food, my drink...all I need to survive."

"Have you been into Dad's wine?" I asked. He laughed. John really knew how to shoot Cupid's arrow straight through my heart. What a charmer.

"I'll never tell," he answered, and gave me a spin.

### I noticed Ronnie and David slip out into the formal living room and sit down on a loveseat together. They seemed happy and like they wanted to spend as much time alone together as possible. I understood the feeling. I was enjoying the party a lot, but couldn't wait until midnight came so John and I could slip off and be alone. (I assumed Dad wouldn't stay up very much later than that, he wasn't much of a night owl.)

Finally the music was turned down and someone turned up the volume on the TV as we watched the ball drop in Times Square and the countdown climbed down... five... four... three... two... "Happy New Year!" The sound was deafening, everyone screaming, tooting the little horns we'd bought for the occasion, people throwing confetti, utter madness.

### John grabbed me and started kissing me. Everyone was kissing everyone else.

"Happy New Year, Love." John shouted in my ear so I could hear.

"You, too, John," I said as I trailed my hand down the side of his face, staring into those gorgeous brown eyes.

### Steed, Kyla, Janice and Jake all slipped out the door, about fifteen minutes later, saying they were going down to the corner bar for a couple of beers. I reminded them to take cabs home or someone needed to be a designated driver. They waved their arms at me as they went out the door.

### Sam and his date had long since come and gone, and the few others who had come were leaving. Ronnie came into the room dragging David behind and said they were going to go and stop in at another party or two and not to wait up.

"You guys wanna come?" she asked.

"No, I think we'll stay here and just... hang out," I gave Ronnie a look and she said she understood, and off they went.

### Alone at last, I grabbed John and spun him around and kissed him. He dropped his paper cup on the kitchen floor and put his hands on the sides of my face, getting more into the kiss. Things were getting hot and heavy, and I didn't want to stop. He didn't either.

### I grabbed his arm and pulled him up the stairs, not thinking, only feeling. We grabbed and tugged at each other's clothing, falling onto the bed, breathing hard, lips all over each other's faces. I didn't want to stop. God help me, I didn't want to. It felt too good and right to be in his arms.

"Wait." I finally began to realize what was happening. "Wait."

### John pulled away and sat up on the edge of the bed. His breath was still hard and fast. "I'm... I'm sorry, Adi. I just... got a little carried away."

### I went and sat next to him, straightening my clothes. "It's okay. It wasn't just you who got carried away." I grabbed his hand in mine.

### He turned toward me and touched my lips with his fingers. "You... do things to me. When you started kissing me back, I mean really kissing me back, I just lost it. I'm sorry. I never want to push or pressure you."

We leaned our foreheads together. Our breathing normalized a little. "Thanks. I think I'm more worried about my self-control than yours at this point." We giggled.

### John stroked my hair. "How... how many guys have you ever...?" he asked awkwardly.

"Me?" Here's the moment of truth. "I've never slept with anyone before."

"No? Sorry, I don't mean to sound surprised, but these days, so many people do... and you looking like...you do. I'm sure it's not for lack of opportunity."

"I really only ever seriously dated one other guy... Jeff. We never... He wanted to but I just wasn't ready. We were only fifteen when we first started dating... I just never-got there, ya know: where I felt right about it." I played with my hair and looked away a little.

### John turned my face to him, "I'm glad you waited. I want to be your first. Your only," he leaned in and kissed me softly.

"What about you? I mean, how many...?"

"Not so much as you might guess. The rumors that go around at school are highly exaggerated. If you want to know the truth, strictly speaking, I never have either. I've done other stuff, a lot of foolin' around, rounded a lot of bases, but never..."

"Really?" I was shocked.

"You look shocked." John chuckled.

"I am I guess. I hope that doesn't offend you. Like you said, these days..."

"My parents have always been - shall we say very involved in our lives; mine and my sisters. They're old-fashioned church-going people, and well... have many opinions about many things. To some degree, I would always end up thinking about my sisters and that I wouldn't want some random guy pouncing on them, ya know? I try and be respectful."

### I think that was the moment I knew I loved John. I mean really and truly knew. Something turned over in my heart, and I knew that I was risking excruciating pain again in my life, but what was done, was done.

### We talked until four in the morning, holding hands, talking, kissing occasionally but not losing control again. I was getting so sleepy but didn't want to be separated from him for a minute, even for sleep.

### Finally John insisted on leaving, telling me I needed to rest. He tucked me in and let himself out, and I passed out quickly once he was gone.

### Next morning, or should I say afternoon, I crawled out of bed and heard voices downstairs: Jake and Ronnie. They were putting together some sandwiches. I threw on some clothes and went downstairs to join them.

"Hey! Sorry I slept so late! I was exhausted I guess," I said.

"Hey, sweetheart. Want something to eat?" Jake seemed upbeat... he was nearly glowing.

"Sure. I'll get it." I grabbed a plate and threw a couple sandwiches and some chips on there and grabbed a soda out of the fridge.

"How was your night?" Dad asked.

"My night was great. How was yours?" I looked over at Ronnie and we exchanged a grin.

"Fine," Jake answered and returned to the newspaper.

"You're a fount of information, Dad. Come on! Tell me everything!"

"Janice is very nice," he said and turned the page. Ronnie giggled.

### I threw my sandwich crust at Dad, whacking him in the newspaper. And that was all I ever heard about Dad's first date with Janice. I guess it went well because in the following weeks, they continued to see each other.

### Jake was a new man. He ran around the house whistling and cleaning and doing laundry; I scarcely recognized him.

### It occurred to me that all of us; myself, Ronnie and Jake, were all happy at the same time and in relationships. It was nice.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER SIX

### We were deliriously happy. Ronnie turned nineteen in January. Valentine's Day we all went out to dinner together: Jake and Janice, Ronnie and David, me and John.

### On February 28, 1993 the news broke that the United States Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms (ATF) attempted to serve a search warrant at the Branch Davidian ranch at Mount Carmel, about nine miles east-northeast of Waco, Texas. An exchange of gunfire ended in the deaths of four agents and six followers of David Koresh. A siege began on the property. All the channels carried the coverage. We were all glued to our TV sets as we watched the drama unfold.

### The reports came daily. The siege ended after fifty-one days, on April 19 when fire destroyed the compound. Seventy-six people died in the fire, including more than twenty children and two pregnant women, along with Davidian cult leader Vernon Wayne Howell, better known as David Koresh. We were all so blown away watching the coverage non-stop. I wondered at the minds of those who allowed themselves to be so taken in. It was a scary thing.

### In the weeks to follow many things would come out as to why and how this happened. There had been an undercover agent involved whose warnings had not been heeded. The fires had been started by the Davidians themselves. The airwaves continued to be bombarded with the controversy; some continuing to blame the FBI.

### A couple weeks later our world was rocked again; especially Ronnie's.

### It was a regular spring day and I didn't have to work at the sub shop, so John was going to come over around five and take me to dinner. Around four, the doorbell rang. I was home alone (Jake was at work and Ronnie had gone to the mall to enjoy a little retail therapy, claiming a need for more shoes). I wondered why John came so early to pick me up. I ran down the stairs and opened the door, still in the ratty jean shorts I had put on for housework.

"John, you're early!" I was saying as I opened the door. Only it wasn't John.

There was a woman standing there. I immediately thought make-up sales lady.

"Yes?" I stepped outside, always leery of inviting strangers in.

"Ronnie? Is Ronnie here? I'm... I'm Ronnie's mother."

### I was completely dumbfounded. I had been thinking she looked familiar but my brain had not connected the dots. It was so unexpected to find her at my door. There were not many times in my life when I was speechless, this was one. I had no idea what to do or say. No one to my knowledge had heard from Claire Stanford in five years. Ronnie and I had talked many a night about her screwy, drug-addicted mother who had run out on her so long ago, seemingly never looking back. Now here she stood, on my front porch. I pictured myself punching her right in the nose. It was nice, felt good. In reality, I stammered around and tried to find something to say.

"Oh! You may not remember me. I'm Adison Taylor, Ronnie's friend."

"You're little Adi? Omigosh! How you've grown! You're so beautiful!"

"Yeah, thanks, um..." How was I going to explain to this woman that I didn't want her in my house? What if Ronnie came home and she was just... here? "Look, Claire, I really think you should leave me a number where you can be reached. Ronnie pretty much lives here with us these days, and honestly... I don't want her to come here and just find you here like this."

"Oh, oh yes of course. That might be strange, huh?" She giggled. She looked a lot like I remembered her, only about twenty pounds heavier with gray roots. I knew her to be in her forties, but her hard life had made her look much older. Drugs tended to do that to you.

"Claire, are you... clean? Because Ronnie is just getting her life together, and I don't want..."

### Claire seemed embarrassed and horrified. "Well, um yes, mostly. I do real good these days. I only have a small drink now and again... but NO hard stuff." She seemed real proud there at the end.

### I looked at my watch. "Would you mind? I have a date coming to pick me up soon. I'm sorry to be so rude, but I think you should go."

"Oh. Sure." She looked hurt but rifled in her purse for a pen and paper and jotted a phone number down and placed it in my hand. She then leaned in and grabbed me and gave me a quick squeeze. I could see she was a little teary-eyed as she turned to go. "Just tell her to please call me!" she shouted back over her shoulder. She got into a little Toyota and scooted off down the road.

### I stood there for a full minute, just taking it all in. "That did NOT just happen!" I said out loud, though no one heard me but the birds.

### I went inside and tried to get ready to go to dinner and bowling with John, while at the same time trying to process Claire Stanford showing up on my doorstep. I knew I needed to stay home and talk to Ronnie before I went anywhere else tonight, so I sat on the sofa, talking to myself, practicing what I would say to Ronnie.

"So. How was your day? How did you do on your biology final? Oh by the way, your runaway mother came by..."

### The doorbell rang and I got up to answer it. John came in all hugs and smiles, smelling like sunshine and looking like a supermodel, wearing jeans and a T-shirt; gray-blue.

"Hey sweetie," I greeted him with a kiss.

### He picked up on my odd mood. "What's up?

"You won't believe this. Remember I told you Ronnie's mom left when she was thirteen? She was kind of a druggie and all that?"

"Yeah?"

"She showed up here today." We both sat at the kitchen counter.

"Wow, Adi. How's Ronnie?"

"She's not here. She doesn't know yet. She's at the mall... should be home any moment."

"Oh, man. I'm so sorry. We should stay here then, huh?" He grabbed my hands.

"Yes, at least until she comes home and I can talk with her... find out what she wants to do."

"Sure, baby. Whatever you need."

### Ronnie came home about fifteen minutes later. As soon as she came in and saw the looks on our faces, she knew something was up.

"Oh my God, what is it? Is Jake okay? Dad? Is it Dad?" She ran over and we stood to meet her.

"No, but something is up. Maybe you should sit."

### Ronnie put her hand over her mouth and inhaled sharply. "That can't be good!" She slowly sat down and we sat with her. John sat there just trying to look supportive, saying nothing.

### I grabbed her hand between mine, "Your mother, Ronnie. She... stopped by today."

"What?" she laughed. "Is that supposed to be funny?" She looked around, thinking. "My God, you're not joking are you?" She stood up and started pacing the kitchen floor. "She showed up here? Today?"

"Yeah. I have a phone number for you," I handed her the slip of paper.

### She crumpled it and threw it across the room. "I don't want it! I don't care! If she shows up here ever again, I want you to call the police or something."

### I rubbed my forehead and looked at John who shrugged his shoulders.

### We sat and talked with Ronnie for a while, calming her down. I asked her if she wanted us to stay home with her. She said we should go ahead and go and that David was coming over later and she wanted time to think. I secretly found the crumpled slip of paper and smoothed it out, took it up and stuck it in the bottom of my sock drawer, just in case.

### Graduation plans were under way in earnest; only a few weeks until Ronnie and I would graduate high school. We both felt very ready to leave that part of our lives behind and look ahead to bigger and better things.

### John came by one evening, and I saw him coming up the walk just as the phone rang. I opened the door for John, and then grabbed the phone. It was Claire. She'd called on two other occasions and Ronnie would always leave the room, refusing her call. I looked over at Ronnie and mouthed the word "Mom" and she rolled her eyes and ran upstairs.

"I'm sorry, Claire. She still won't talk to you."

"Oh God. What am I gonna do, Adi? I'm really trying here. I just wish she'd hear me out."

"Claire, what is it you want from her? Are you living in town again? Do you expect to just step back into her life? Or step into it in the first place?" I felt my face getting hot and red. Just then I looked over and saw that Ronnie was standing on the stairs listening. She saw me and ran up the stairs to the bedroom and closed the door with a thud.

"Adison," Claire sighed heavily. "I just want to know her, that's all. That's all." I could hear that she had started crying. She hung up the phone.

### Ronnie and David were sitting in the living room talking a couple of weeks later. I was sitting off to the side, kind of watching the TV and kind of dozing.

### Ronnie's hair had grown almost to the middle of her back, and she wore it long and straight, with natural looking blonde highlights toward the front that popped out of her honey-colored locks. She'd always seemed completely unaware of how pretty she was, but she had become actor/model kind of pretty. I had always considered myself to be more of the "girl next-door" type. Ronnie was the kind of gal that turned each and every head when she walked in the room.

### David Grace had personality in spades. I could see where Ronnie would be attracted to him. He wasn't as overtly outgoing as John or even Ronnie, but when you got to know him, he really came out of his shell.

"I think I'm falling in crazy with you," David said as Ronnie sat a soft drink in front of him and sat back down. "I mean... you know what I mean."

### Ronnie laughed and snuggled up next to him. They watched TV for a few minutes.

"Hey, I have something to tell you," David said, holding her face in his hands.

"Oh, God," she replied.

"Now, now. No panicking. But it will be an obstacle of sorts. I've been offered an internship. I can work at this great company and be getting some on-the-job training while still keeping up with my schoolwork, then, once I graduate, they say they're pretty sure they'll want to hire me full time. Your Dad got me the hook up, he knows people in the world of business and high finance."

"Well, then wow, that's great, right? What's the obstacle part... less time for us?"

### Ronnie lay her head over on David's shoulder. He brushed back her hair as he searched for the right way to say the next part.

"The company... it's in New York City. I'd transfer out there..."

Ronnie sat up and looked at David, searching his eyes. "David! No, this can't be happening. Every time I think my life is getting good, crap happens. First my crazy mother shows up, then I think I've met the man who could well be, you know, the One, and he's leaving?!" She jumped up from the couch.

"Wait," he replied, standing up and grabbing Ronnie's arms. "You think I might be the One? Really?" He was smiling like an idiot.

### Ronnie was still mad. "Pay attention... the point of what I just said is that... I can't, I won't lose you!"

"Then come with me," he said.

"Whoa, wait a minute, bucko. Wait just a minute..."

"Bucko? Really?" David laughed at her.

"What do you mean go with you? No, no I can't do that. I've enrolled at OU. Dad, Jake, Adison... they're my family, I can't just up and leave..."

### I started to interject, and decided to feign sleep instead.

"I would never ask you to, I almost didn't, except that – well this opportunity is truly once-in-a-lifetime for me. It could be my foot in the door to all my dreams. I'm only nineteen, almost twenty. They never offer these deals to college sophomores. It's a Fortune 500 Company. It may be my shot... my one shot at my dreams."

"Then you should go... you have to go. Oh my God, you have to go," as she said this, her face fell and she sat down hard, shock and pain on her face.

### David got down on his knees in front of her and laid his head on her lap and mumbled, "I just found you. I'm not going, not without you."

Graduation day finally arrived. The ceremony flew by in a blur and we all threw our caps in the air with gusto. And there's another chapter of my life over with, I thought. I wondered where I'd be five years from now... ten years.

### That night Ronnie, David, John and I went to three different parties, not wanting to say no to any of the invitations we received. We ended up hitting Kathy Iverson's last. Jeff Treasdale was there: he gave me a nod from across the room. He looked good, more mature; physically anyway. John went over and shook his hand, but I kept my distance.

### Kathy had told everyone that her parents knew about the party, but they were away for the weekend. They had taken the position that they would rather the young people went to their home and drank and didn't get out and drink and drive. There had to be over a hundred people in that house, out on the lawn, by the pool, in the pool, in the driveway, huddling in every nook and cranny of the house. The music was loud and kegs were spotted throughout the place. People danced, drank, joked, and carried on in celebration of the end of an era for us all.

### I spotted Annie Washington over near the kitchen and went and said hello. She was in my homeroom class. She was quiet but seemed nice. She introduced me to the two friends next to her: Kevin Morris and Jackson Fowler. Kevin had a bit of a rep for being a trouble maker and I really didn't know him or Jackson very well. They were the kind of guys you always seemed to find hovering in corners at parties, often with a joint or cigarette in their mouth. I said hello and Jackson reached out and took my hand, shaking it slowly. He had intense eyes.

### David and John brought us each a beer and we took it, figuring we should celebrate. I'd only had beer once or twice at a party, but had never been drunk in my life. Ronnie had been known to tie one on, but most of that had taken place before Nick, before the failed pregnancy, and all that had taken place last year.

### We danced and had a great time. After my third beer, I felt the room spinning and saw John out by the pool talking to a group of guys. He was dancing around looking cute and silly. I was headed his way and was suddenly grabbed by the arm. I turned. Jeff.

"Hey, Adi. Great party, huh?" He smiled his cute, crooked smile.

"Jeff, hello there... you," Oh boy. I should really get away from him fast. He was looking a lot like trouble to me.

"You look good, girl. How have you been?"

"Um, good. You?" I asked. The room spun a little and I felt my body tilting over slightly. He grabbed my arm to steady me.

"Whoa, gotcha. You wanna go sit down somewhere?"

"Um, I should..." he was steering me over to a recently vacated sofa. We plopped down.

"Can I get you another drink?" he asked.

"Um, no I think I'd better not. At least for a bit," I hiccupped.

"So, graduation. Wild, huh?" He slyly slipped his arm around me.

### I knocked it off. "NOT a good idea," I said to him. He frowned.

"I was just being friendly, no big deal." Then he leaned over like he was going to kiss me. Suddenly his face and his whole body disappeared. He just wasn't there anymore.

### I tried to focus in. There stood John, holding Jeff up by the collar, rage plastered on his face.

### Uh oh.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, dude?" John asked, angry.

"Man, back off, it's cool." Jeff brushed John's hand away and I saw John's self-control almost snap.

### His voice was quiet but deadly. He leaned in close to Jeff's ear. "Go, now." Annie and Jackson had come closer and looked on, wondering whether they should get involved.

### Jeff looked up into John's eyes and decided not to press the point. He shrugged and wandered off towards the door, tripping a little on the way.

### John looked over at me, then came and sat next to me, throwing his arm along my shoulders. "You okay, Babe?" he asked.

"Yeah, I didn't... want..." I tried to articulate but couldn't put words together to form a sentence.

"I know, I saw the whole thing. C'mon, we're leaving." He helped me stand and walk outside. I waved goodbye to Annie and Jackson; Keith had wandered off. I didn't see Kathy anywhere. John let go of me for a second, digging for his keys. I wasn't prepared and found myself ass first on the ground.

"Omigod," John mumbled and bent down to pick me up. He threw me over his shoulder with little effort.

### I saw the party from a new vantage point. It looked fun, and I wasn't sure I wanted to go yet. "Whoot!" I hooted, getting into the spirit. Through my hair I saw Jackson Fowler giving John a dirty look.

### John laughed and huddled me off to the car."Are you toasted?" he asked me, laughing slightly.

"No, I'm only roasted. It'd take at least one more beers to get me toasted, Jack." I noticed my words were slightly slurred, and thinking about that made my brow furrow in concentration.

"I'm taking you home, missy." John poured me into the car.

"Are you sure I'm okay to drive?" I asked.

"I'm driving, silliness. Buckle up." He reached over and made sure my belt was buckled.

"I meant you--you drive, I'll just sit right here and look at your pretty face."

"Okay. It's a deal," John said. He seemed perfectly sober, but I had no idea how much he'd had to drink.

Come to think of it, I never saw him get anything after the first beer, and that had been a while ago, and oh look at that tree, oh wow, those street lights are going by really fast, I thought.

"You're so pre-e-e-t-ty," I said, staring at John.

"Stop, you're making me blush," he joked. "Besides, everyone knows YOU'RE the pretty one here." He grabbed my hand and gave it a kiss. "You're drunk, babe."

"Me? Drunk? I only had... how many did I have? I don't remember. Three, I think. But a person like me NEVER gets drunk. I'm the most grown-updest person I know."

### John laughed and shook his head, and drove home. He walked me inside, and as I headed up the stairs, I noticed that somehow my feet had headed up the stairs a little faster than the rest of me. John had hold of my upper body and pushed me up, finally managing to get me up the stairs. John peeked his head around and confirmed that Jake wasn't home. Relieved, he took me into my room and lay me down in the bed, removing my shoes. He leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. Suddenly I sat straight up.

"It's the end of the world as we know it...!" I was singing and playing air guitar. That's the last thing I remember.

### Morning came and went. I slept right through. I heard the phone ring a couple times. Once I heard it slam back down and assumed it was Ronnie's mom, Claire again. I was going to have to talk to her about all that. I was beginning to feel like maybe Ronnie needed to at least sit and talk with her mother, let her say her piece, then go from there. Maybe Claire would back off a little if Ronnie let her talk it out.

### I groaned as I sat up. My mouth felt like Styrofoam and my head was pounding like a bass drum. I somehow made my way into the shower and let the water wash over me. I kind of remembered being a little tipsy, but yikes... this was a full blown hangover.

### I remembered Jeff had been at the party. I didn't think I remembered actually talking to him though. He had looked good and mostly happy. He and Kathy made a cute couple. I remembered seeing Annie there and her two friends.

### Oh, wait. I remember a small chat with Jeff, then John jerking him up by his collar... yikes. What happened? I'd have to ask John.

### John... John was great. How in the world did I ever find such an amazing man? What did he see in me? I poured shampoo into my hand and began to wash my hair as I contemplated my good fortune.

After getting all washed up I stepped out and caught my reflection in the mirror as I reached for a towel. I wrapped it around me and really looked at myself. I grimaced, looking at my teeth: mostly straight, still pretty white despite my recent coffee addiction. I had used the gift certificate Ronnie had gotten me, way back on my birthday and had my hair cut into multiple long layers, and had begun to straighten it every day, being so over the feathered and poofy look that was so popular in the eighties. I was sort of needing a trim and definitely wanted highlights.

I vainly turned in the mirror, checking myself out, which I normally avoided doing; I'd always thought I was too short, too flat-chested, too small all around. I didn't look that bad, at least I had some chest now. I decided I was attractive enough and was probably way too hard on myself. Obviously John saw something in me. He could get anyone though... it still boggled my mind.

### I dried and styled my hair, threw on some clothes and went downstairs.

### It was Sunday and Dad was already gone; whether to church, off somewhere with Janice or watching a game with Steed, I didn't know.

### I found Ronnie eating a bowl of cereal in her pajamas.

"Morning," I mumbled as I thought about whether or not I could eat anything yet.

"M-m-m-m," Ronnie answered.

### I sat across from her. "How are ya? How's David?"

"He's good. He got this internship deal." She told me about David's opportunity in New York.

"Um, yeah. I sorta heard. What are you gonna do?"

"I have no idea. I keep telling him he needs to take it whether I go with him or not, and he keeps saying he won't go without me, but he really, really wants to go. I know he does."

"God, I can't imagine. What would I do if you moved away?" The thought made me very sad, and at the same time, we had just graduated high school, so I knew that our lives would change... I just hadn't anticipated such a drastic change, so soon.

"I know, Ad. It's hard for me to think about and yet... I can't stop thinking about it."

"Sure. Well, why wouldn't you go? Besides me, Sam and Jake, that is."

"I'd have to transfer schools, then like, where would we live? Would I live with him or would I have to get my own place? Would I live in the college dorms? There's so much to think about, it's freaking me out some. Plus I know absolutely nobody out there, except my dad's friend, and I barely know him. I think I met him once at an office party of Dad's when I was six."

"Yeah, that's a lot to think about," I switched gears. "How about one more thing to think about?"

"What?" Ronnie tossed her bowl in the sink and ran water over it.

"This thing... with your Mom..."

"Don't call her that. She may be my mother but she was never a mom to me."

"Okay so she isn't a mom, but she is your mother and she continues to pester all of us about seeing you. I think you need to talk to her, at least once. Hear what she has to say." I laid a hand on Ronnie's arm, trying to bring some comfort to a difficult discussion.

### She said nothing for a moment, then, "I know Adi, you're right. Of course you're right. Too bad I threw her number away."

"I can take care of that," I said and dashed upstairs to get the scrap of paper from my sock drawer. I came back down and placed it in her hands.

"Wow, you kept it. Thanks. Now go away and give me some privacy for a few minutes. I'm gonna call her right now before I lose my nerve or change my mind."

### I went back to the laundry room and did some laundry, figuring I may as well try to be productive.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER SEVEN

### Ronnie talked with her mother for over two hours that day. I mostly stayed out of her way. I occasionally heard her voice raise or get emotional; once I heard her say loudly. "How does a mother just get up one day and leave her daughter?!" I wanted to know the answer to that one myself. My mother hadn't had a choice, she hadn't wanted to leave me and yet Claire chose to leave--not just her husband – but her beautiful daughter as well. It boggled the mind.

### At five John picked me up, and I passed David coming up the walk as I ran out to John's car. I gave him a quick hug as I passed by. Ronnie had said she was going to cook dinner tonight for David, Sam and Jake so I got out of her way and let her do her thing. John said we were going somewhere special tonight.

### I got in the car with John and he reached over to help with my seatbelt.

"I think I got it today, thanks." I gave him a wink, remembering how he had buckled me in the night before.

### He gave me a wicked grin and winked back. "Just makin' sure, cutie. Just makin' sure."

"Where to tonight?" I asked.

"I think I'll drive us out to the city. There's a place there called, interestingly enough Jake's that I've been wanting to try. I hear it has great atmosphere. I hoped we could talk tonight."

"Talk? Should I be scared?" My heart leaped into my throat.

"No, no way. I just thought we could talk about, you know, the future." He grinned. "Unless that scares you."

### I gulped. I hoped and prayed we had a future together. I really didn't care what the future held, so long as John was in it with me. As much as I had tried to keep my heart from being completely lost, I knew that it was. This had even become so much more than what I had felt for Jeff. Looking back, with Jeff, we were kids and relationships were so new... first kisses and all that. I remembered how exciting it was, but when I compared what I thought I felt then, to what I felt now for John, there was no comparison. It was apples and oranges.

### Sometimes I almost had anxiety attacks just imagining what it would be like for John to break up with me, to leave me. It was something I had nightmares about from time to time. I really didn't know if I would survive.

### Man was I gone.

"About last night," I said. "Would you mind telling me what exactly happened? The details are a little fuzzy for me."

### He frowned a little. "Jeff Treasdale made a move on you, that's what happened, the jerk," he said, angry all over again.

"He did? I don't really remember."

"Yeah, at Kathy's party, in Kathy's house. She was in the other room but I'm sure she was told what happened. I could've killed him." We kept our thoughts to ourselves the rest of the trip.

### Finally we got to the restaurant, and John came around and opened the car door for me. We walked hand in hand into the building, a high rise that was relatively new in the downtown Oklahoma City area. We had to take an elevator to the top floor. It was all very high class and exciting. I was glad I had decided to wear a dress and heels.

### We were shown to a table by a twenty-something young lady with a blonde ponytail who was quite taken with John; at least she couldn't seem to stop smiling at him.

### We perused our menus and decided on Shirley Temples to drink (loving the feel of the fancy glass.) We felt very grown up.

### I ordered the spinach salad and a grilled chicken breast, and John ordered Bruschetta, rolls, steak and baked potato, and was thinking about dessert already, but decided he'd better wait a bit on that. The man loved his food.

### Once the waiter left, John leaned over for a quick kiss on the cheek. "You look so beautiful tonight, Adi... really" (heavy sigh) "gorgeous."

"Thanks," I blushed. "You, too." He had on a sky blue dress shirt and black slacks. Perfection.

### He grinned. "So anyway... our future. Yeah." He chuckled.

"Yes? Just exactly what did you want to talk about?" The rolls and Bruschetta had arrived, along with my salad. I tucked in.

### John grabbed a roll and played with it while he talked. "I just kind of wanted to tell you, ya know, just how much you mean to me. And that I really love you, Adison. And that I spend a lot of time thinking about you, and about us."

"Yeah?" I smiled wide. "And just what do you think about--when you think about me or us?" I was going to make him suffer a second for the return I love you. He said he loved me, omigosh. He loves me.

"I think about white picket fences, horses, houses... and kids."

I gulped, nearly choking on a bite of bread. Wow. Holy crap. "You think about that?"

"Sure. Do you? Ever?" He looked a little insecure for a second.

### I sat my fork down and leaned over and kissed him. We were seated in a very out-of-the-way spot, very secluded and romantic, so I didn't feel bad about it. I looked into his eyes and said, "I love you, John Hall. More than I've ever loved anyone, or thought I could love anyone. And of course I think about that stuff too."

### His glorious face broke into a wide smile. He'd never looked more handsome than that very moment.

### We talked a little more and finished our meals. Everything was perfect. Afterwards, we went dancing at a couple of over-eighteen clubs, then John drove me home.

### When we walked in the door, Ronnie and David were huddled up together on the sofa watching a movie. It was pretty late, and they both looked like they were half asleep.

"Jake's upstairs asleep. Just so you know, he says he never sees you anymore." Ronnie yawned.

### I chuckled. John walked me up to my room where we kissed for a few minutes, snuggled and chatted. Finally he said goodnight, leaving the room and closing the door behind him. He let himself out.

### The next morning I had planned to map out some things, get my self together and ready for the fall college semester. I had signed up for pre-requisite classes that I knew I'd need, no matter which direction I decided to take with my future, plus one art appreciation class for fun.

### I put on a pot of coffee and realized that Jake and Ronnie had long since left and I was alone, which was just as well. No distractions.

### I looked at the pen and pad of paper I'd sat in front of me. Why was it so many young people seemed to know what they wanted to be? Some of my classmates had known they wanted to be doctors, vets, teachers, scientist--since middle school. I still had no clue of what I was even good at. I had done better in English classes than say math or science.

### I thought and thought and thought some more. I got up and went to the fridge and scavenged around, grabbed the orange juice and poured myself a glass, drank it. Had a second cup of coffee. I thought about how Jeff Treasdale no longer held any appeal for me. He was a closed door in my life.

### Still no inspiration. I suppose I was waiting for a bolt of lightning or a sign from God.

### If I really thought about what made my heart pound, what excited me, (besides John that is) I had an interest in raising babies and being a homemaker, reading and sketching or drawing when the urge hit. I'd never wanted to be a butcher, a baker or a candlestick maker. A huge part of me wanted to be a mom, a mom like my mom. I wanted to have the nuclear family, the white picket fence John had mentioned. I couldn't imagine wanting anything more than that. I supposed that made me pretty old-fashioned.

### I thought some more. I doodled. I drew a picture of John, a heart with an arrow through it, a cat, a dog and a bunny. This was ridiculous.

### Finally I gave up and threw down the pen and watched a little TV.

### I worked at the sub shop from noon until three, then my boss cut me early and sent me home. Ronnie was there when I got there.

"Hey," I said

"Hey back," she said. "How's your search for a career path going?" I dropped my bag on the floor and sat down at the table with her.

"Two words: Not good."

"I'm sorry," she said. "What's this?" she picked up the pad of paper and looked at my drawings and doodles.

"Nothing, I was just doodling."

"This is good. I mean the drawing of John. Was he here when you did this?"

"No, just from memory. Believe me his face is etched into my mind pretty clearly," I grinned.

"It's really, really good, Adi. Maybe you should sketch people."

"Yeah, right. Be for real," I said.

"I am! This is truly good and I suspect you weren't even trying really hard. O-o-oh! Do me! Sketch me!" she said all excited.

### Just to shut her up I went upstairs and grabbed my sketch pad and charcoal pencils from art class. I did a quick-n-dirty rendering.

"You've played around at this your whole life. You have talent. Why not go for it?" she asked. I showed her the finished product and she gasped, "Oh, Adi, this is... beautiful. This is being framed and going on my wall. Is this how you see me?"

"It's how you are," I said.

### The time was growing close to David having to make a final decision on what to do with his life. He came to the house and had dinner with Jake, Ronnie and me, then we all played a hand of gin rummy.

### John came to the door, and we put the cards away and gravitated to the living room, all sitting around chatting.

"Now that the gang's all here," David began, "I have an announcement to make." We all looked over at him. "After much deliberating, I've decided that unless Ronnie agrees to – eventually marry me, and transfer to NYU immediately, I'm staying here in OKC."

### Jake coughed. I dropped my water glass. Ronnie gasped and jumped up. "What? What do you mean? Eventually marry you?"

### David fell down on one knee and pulled a ring box out of his pocket. "Veronica Lynn Stanford, will you please be my wife?" He opened the box, presenting the ring to Ronnie.

### We all gasped, and waited, holding our breath to see what Ronnie's reaction would be.

### Her hands started shaking as she put them over her mouth. "Oh my God! David!" She took the ring box and pulled the beautiful platinum ring out of the box. The design was gorgeous, with a nice-sized round cut diamond as the center stone, surrounded by smaller diamonds. "It's beautiful!" She handed it to him with shaking fingers and he stood and took it from her and placed it on the third finger of her left hand.

"Does this mean yes? You will eventually marry me?" David said.

"Of course, silly! Oh, I love you!" She jumped up into his arms, tears flowing down her cheeks, nearly knocking him over.

### We all breathed a sigh of relief and joy. Shouts went up all around. Jake broke out a bottle of champagne. Ronnie called Sam and we all heard him congratulate her over the phone. She was so pleased that he was pleased.

### Things were coming together finally for Ronnie. I knew how much she loved David and they were so, so good together. I think we all thought she would never be getting married so young, if circumstances were different, but none of us wanted her to lose what she had with David or have to be apart from him, so we were all very happy for them.

### Turned out, once David gave them a yes for the internship, he needed to be in New York in a matter of weeks, so he and Ronnie were headed out this weekend to NYC to find an apartment. David had suggested they both live in separate dorm rooms at first, but they'd waited so long there was nothing available. They had a New York Post that David's boss-to-be had sent them and were checking the ads thoroughly so they'd have some places lined out to see immediately upon their arrival in town, and Ronnie'd made contact with a realtor.

### David was shocked and amazed at the cost of living there, easily three times what it would cost them to keep an apartment in OKC. Ronnie reassured him by saying she would "keep him" if necessary until he started making better money. He hadn't like the terminology, but knew Ronnie was teasing and that it was her heart that money (or the lack thereof) not stand in the way of their dreams, so he eventually agreed that she could help out, at least temporarily.

### Jake and Janice were going strong in the meantime and I had to wonder if there'd be another engagement announced soon.

### What would that mean for me? I didn't want to keep living in the house with newlyweds, particularly when one was my dad! E-e-e-ew.

### Life was just changing too damned fast for my liking.

### Two weeks later and I found myself at the airport saying goodbye to Ronnie and David. She was planning to throw together quick wedding plans as soon as they found an apartment and got settled in. She promised to fly Jake, John and me out for the wedding and a little New York shopping and dining. Jake was not loving the idea of flying to New York for any reason. He was an Oklahoma boy, born and raised and had never traveled East of the Mississippi, and had no desires in that area. Actually, we were thinking we may have to sedate him.

### I couldn't believe the moment had come when Ronnie and I would have to say goodbye for any amount of time; she'd been my lifelong friend to this point, more like a sister than a friend. We'd lived together (for all intents and purposes) for the last five years. I found my throat closing up.

### We had gotten coffee and browsed all the duty-free shops at the airport, and the time finally came that they were giving the last call for Ronnie's flight. David gave me a hug and tousled my hair. He leaned in and whispered, "I'll take good care of her... I promise. You'll see her soon," and pecked me on the cheek. That's when I could feel myself losing it a little. My lower lip quivered and I told myself to hold on for a few minutes more.

### Ronnie leaned in and hugged me long and hard. We shook pinkies. "Sisters forever," we said at the same time. As she turned and waved at the gate, I saw tears in her eyes as well. She mouthed, "I love you," then was gone.

### I walked over to the window closest to the gate and peered out. I let my head fall against the glass. She was gone, and I had to get in the car and drive back to the house without falling completely apart. After all, I had heard that driving while upset was almost as dangerous as driving drunk, so I maintained my control for the drive home. I wished John could've come with me, or even Jake but they were both otherwise occupied.

### I finally made it back to the house, went inside, climbed the stairs and plopped onto the bed. The tears came. A part of me felt abandoned again, even though I knew full well this was totally different; different than losing my mom, different than losing Jeff. I tried to be an adult and get over myself, but knew it would take some time.

### My birthday in August came and went without fanfare. I'd turned nineteen quietly, having had dinner with Dad and Janice. Soon enough the fall college semester started. I loved that I only lived ten minutes from my school, so there was no pressure there to move out, but I began to feel more and more that I should get out of Dad's way as Janice began spending more and more time at the house. I decided to broach the subject with him.

### That night after dinner while Janice did dishes, I told him how I was feeling.

"Dad."

"Yeah, hun," Jake answered while filling his coffee mug with decaf. He lifted the pot towards me, and I shook my head no.

"I was thinking. About possibly moving out."

"Why would you want to do that? Could you afford to? On your part-time job?" He seemed to have tensed up a little. Poor Dad. We'd been everything to each other for so long. He wasn't wearing any apron strings, yet I felt the tug of a line between us as surely as if he'd been wearing one.

"I haven't quite worked all that out yet... possibly a roommate or two. I could post something at the school."

### He sat down and really looked at me. "I had kind of hoped you'd stay at home through college, Ad." He sipped his coffee. "Any rush?"

"Not really, I just thought maybe... it was time. You and Janice have been getting more serious, or so it seems to me..."

"And...?" he said.

"And, I just thought you might like a little more privacy. Never knowing when I'm popping in and out of the house, all that." I blushed a little.

### Dad chuckled and stared over at me for a few beats. "We can have all the privacy we want at her place, she lives alone. No worries. Adi, I don't want you to feel like you have to move out just because you're an adult now. We can work it out. Besides, it's already pretty quiet around here since Ronnie left." He looked sad. "No need to change our lives even more. Just think about it for a while, okay? I'd love it if you stayed at least another year or so," he added.

"Okay, Dad. I'll think about it." As I walked upstairs to start on my homework, it occurred to me that it had not occurred to Jake, that I may be wanting more privacy, too.

### Growing pains.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER EIGHT

### As Christmas approached, and wedding plans for Ronnie and David were solidified, the Oklahoma wind blew cold once again. They had set the date for February fourteenth for their wedding. I spent so much time on the phone that I knew Ronnie's bill was outrageous, but she never thought twice about it, always insisting that I call collect when I called her.

### Thanksgiving was celebrated at Janice's house this year; that was interesting. Okay so I was being a little "put out" that we hadn't had it at our house, but they let me bring dessert, so I got over myself by Christmas (which I insisted be at our house). Call me an old-fashioned traditionalist.

### Ronnie and David (no big surprise) sent us a huge box of gifts which arrived just in the nick of time. I had sent them what I could afford as gifts, which wasn't much: home-made brownies, wrapped very carefully, some of my latest sketches, a handbag I thought Ronnie would love and some OU paraphernalia David had requested. Dad had thrown in a card for his part, not having had time to shop. His thoughtful sentiments would mean the most anyway.

### After the Christmas meal, coffee and dessert, we all lay around and moaned about how full we were, but we were happy; blessed and we knew it.

### Before long, winter break was over and my schoolwork was coming easier than I had been afraid it might. I especially loved the one art class I had signed up for, feeling like I was learning and growing by leaps and bounds in that area. I found it was something I truly loved. I had even had a couple friends from my class ask for sketches, and John's mom commissioned a sketch of their old horse farm.

### John drove me out and showed me around (they knew the new owners well, so they had allowed us to come on the property and look around). We tossed a blanket on the ground, ate our picnic lunch, then John stretched out on the grass while I sketched. We spent a lot of time there over the weekend until I thought I had what I needed. Even I was surprised at how well the finished product turned out.

### The day arrived when we all climbed on the airplane and headed to New York, even Jake. He was the most reluctant traveler in the world, but also child-like; fascinated about the airport, the planes, how they managed to stay in the air, how crowded and crazy JFK was and indeed the entire city.

### As soon as we got to baggage claim, I spotted Ronnie. She looked great! I could tell she had taken advantage of some of the New York salons and shops already. She'd cut her hair to shoulder length and had layers and highlights put in, dressed to the hilt... she seemed in her element. I'd missed her twentieth birthday, but was glad to get to come for the wedding.

### We hugged and kissed and hugged some more, then she helped us get a porter to load our luggage onto a cart and get it to the waiting taxi. Jake (and I, admittedly) were fascinated with all the taxi cabs. They were like ants running around an ant hill.

### We piled in, Jake sat up front and tried to talk the driver's head off, but the driver didn't have the greatest handle on the English language, so their conversation was strange.

"Do you LIVE around HERE?" Jake screamed, somehow believing that getting louder meant the man could understand him better. The driver nodded and smiled a lot and when Jake wasn't looking, rolled his eyes. This amused Ronnie to no end.

### John was on one side of me, Ronnie on the other, pointing out bridges and landmarks. Statue of Liberty, Brooklyn Bridge; we took it all in like the wide-eyed Okie tourists we were. Ronnie talked non-stop, telling us about every place she'd been in the city, the quirky people she'd met, how much David loved college and his internship... I didn't hear her pause to take a breath, at all.

### Before terribly long we finally came to a stop and I was just thrilled to get out alive and stretch my legs.

### We entered the lobby of an apartment building with a real-live doorman and all. Every time I turned around, a new experience, sight or smell. (Sure they had a few buildings with doormen in downtown Oklahoma City, but I'd never experienced one up close before.) It didn't take much to impress any of us.

### We took the elevator up and finally made it to the apartment. Ronnie had insisted she had room for all of us so she wouldn't hear of hotels. A kind gentleman helped us get all of our luggage inside and I saw Ronnie slip him a bill.

Wow. This place was out of a magazine. Now this was where Veronica Stanford should live. It was spacious and airy, and though I pestered her to death, I could never get her to tell me how much rent she paid. She'd apparently furnished it with all new things, lots of white and clean lines. White lilies were in vases scattered throughout. I walked over to the huge picture window and looked out. "Is that Central Park?"

"Yup. Cool, huh? Me and my college buds go jogging there sometimes."

"Hey, Ronnie. Is Claire coming to the wedding?"

"Actually, I talked to her for a while about it. She kept trying to talk me out of getting married so young and moving so far away, when she just found me again, as she put it. No, she won't be coming."

"Sam's coming though, right?"

"He had a huge business trip, out of the country for the whole month, and he couldn't get out of it. So he says. Sometimes I just think he doesn't get it. He could be here if he wanted to."

"I'm so sorry, hon." I hugged her.

"Hey, my real family is here. That's all I care about," she said.

### I knew it hurt though.

The next day, (the day before the wedding) Ronnie ran us ragged, dragging us all over town. We saw the Museum of Modern Art on West 53rd, then Carnegie Hall and Madison Square Garden. There were coffee shops everywhere and we hit a few of them. She pointed out the Empire State Building, but we didn't go up. We took a breeze through Times Square and had to pop in to Macy's. I bought a pair of socks, just to say I bought something from there.

### In the afternoon came a small rehearsal. We got to lay eyes on David and his parents at the rehearsal and dinner, but the man seemed busier than a one-armed paper hanger.

### Ronnie and David were new in town and anxious to get married without a lot of fuss at a local chapel, and didn't know hardly anyone yet, so we all prepared for the small intimate ceremony that would follow the next morning. Just us family would attend.

### Ronnie's wedding day was a blur of frantic activity, making sure we all had the shoes we needed, the right jewelry for Ronnie, pressing clothes last minute.

### By three the entire ceremony was over (it had only lasted minutes but was quaint, intimate and beautiful). Ronnie wore a beautiful ivory gown, the cost of which would likely feed Jake and I for a couple years. It was tea length, showing off her gorgeous shoes.

### We were scheduled to fly back out the next morning, having various commitments that had to be seen to, so we had a light supper at the apartment and then just rested. Ronnie and David had jetted off to the Hamptons for the weekend, the only honeymoon they'd get.

### I felt like I hadn't gotten to visit with her very much, but such was the nature of the whirlwind visit. At least I got to see her and know that she was doing well and happy and married to the man of her dreams. Twenty and already married; who would have thought?

### By six p.m. the next day we had finally made it home, exhausted. John ran home for a bit to visit his family and I unpacked and sorted laundry. Overall the trip had been wonderful and I had some candid pictures to print and add to my photo albums. I had to admit feeling a little melancholy. Ronnie was living her dreams out and I felt anxious to start on my own. Let's face it, part of me was jealous that Ronnie was married. How sick was that? What was wrong with me?

### Feeling like an old maid and I wasn't even twenty... that was just plain wrong. I chuckled at myself and tossed a load of dirty clothes into the washer.

### The following weekend, John came over as usual on Friday afternoon. He had snagged a pizza on the way and we sat eating it, pondering what homework we each had to do and if we could find time for anything fun over the weekend.

### John and I were always together on the weekends. His last class on Fridays at OU in Norman (about an hour away) got out around three in the afternoon, so he'd drive straight to my house every Friday evening, and spend all but his sleeping moments with me, then go back to his parents house to sleep. (He lived in the dorms through the week.) His parents were probably feeling a bit of the apron-string tug as well as Jake. They saw him for minutes each weekend for the most part.

### We did homework together mostly, helping each other out, laughing talking, sometimes falling asleep at the dining table when deadlines were due.

### Spring sprang quickly and the end of the semester was around the bend. The weather warmed slightly, trees began to bloom, flowers to bud.

### I took John out to dinner for his birthday in April; he beat me to age twenty by a few months.

### By my birthday that summer, I just knew there was a big announcement coming from Jake. He and Janice asked if John and I would join them for supper at Janice's house. She was preparing a special meal for me to celebrate my day.

### We got there that night, and Janice's tiny house was immaculate. She had one cat curled up in the corner in a basket, but the place didn't smell of pets, it smelled of fresh baked bread. She had set her dining table with china and candles, linen napkins and all. A pitcher of flowers sat in the middle of the table. It was truly beautiful.

### As we gathered around and took our seats, I noticed she and Dad exchanging furtive looks.

### We ate without much hullabaloo. The meatloaf and mashed potatoes were perfect. Obviously Dad had let Janice know it was a favorite of mine.

### Janice slipped out and brought a cake into the room, candles afire, and everyone sang to me. I was thrilled, if a little embarrassed. I missed Ronnie a lot on my birthday; it was hard to celebrate without my best friend at my side, but having everyone else around helped. I was thankful Janice had thought to go to so much trouble.

### After cake and coffee had been served and consumed, Dad cleared his throat. "Adi, Janice and I have something to talk to you about."

"Okay, sure. What is it?"

"Well, as you know Janice and I," he reached over and grabbed her hand and held it, "we've been seeing each other for quite some time. Adi, we're gonna do it. We're gonna get hitched."

### I shouldn't have been surprised at all, but I still was. "Wow, guys, that's... that's fantastic!" I got up and everyone stood and hugged and congratulations ensued.

### We sat back down. I looked at Jake, looking at Janice, and I knew he was happy and in love. I couldn't muster up an ounce of resentment. I vowed to get to know Janice better.

### As we were getting ready to leave, Dad pulled me aside into the kitchen. "So, Ads. Whattaya think? Really?" I could tell by his face, he really needed me to be on board.

"I love it, Dad, really. It's about time. I'm completely okay with it." I hugged him and John and I left.

### In the car on the way back to the house I was quiet, remembering the discussion we'd had the year before about when and if I'd move out. Jake hadn't mentioned a thing about where they planned on living. Our home was much larger, so I kind of assumed Janice would move in with us.

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" John asked with his usual good humor.

"Just Dad and Janice. Big news, right?" I looked over at him and smiled.

"Yes, yes I suppose it is. You okay with it?"

"Yeah, oh, totally okay. I just think maybe... I should be thinking about moving out, maybe getting a roommate."

### John looked shocked. "Yeah? Well, don't make any rash decisions, okay? Think on it for a bit."

"You sound like Jake," I smiled. We were each quiet and lost in thought for the rest of the trip.

### Back at the house I thought of a million questions for Dad. When were they getting married? Where? How big and fancy would it be?

### I called Ronnie and was about to tell her the news, when she informed me that Jake and Janice had just called her, so she already knew.

"You okay with it, Ads?" Ronnie asked, concern in her voice.

"Yeah, it's great. I guess I'm feeling a little... at loose ends. I don't really want to keep living here after they're married. I think they need time alone."

"Oh, yes I can see that might be an issue. What are you going to do then?"

"I don't know yet," I sighed. "Something, though." I said goodbye to Ronnie and hung up the phone. I went and crawled onto John's lap on the sofa. He put his arms around me. He played with my hair softly and kissed the top of my head.

### This house had been home for as long as I could remember. We'd moved here when I was only three. I'd just turned twenty: seventeen years. Before that we were in a tiny apartment in Oklahoma City, but I had no real memories of that place. Mom had lived here.

### I reached into the drawer under the coffee table and pulled out an old photo album, and browsed through, looking at photos of Jake, Mom and me when I was little, pointing out things to John. I loved showing him old pictures of my mom. Tons of photos, all the way up to when I was five. There were only a handful since then. We'd been horrible at taking pictures for the most part over the last several years.

### The fall semester was in full force and I felt buried in a haze of homework. I had geared my courses towards an Associates in Arts in Liberal Studies and had been contemplating whether I'd do more than the two years. It seemed like the holidays had just come and gone and here it was October already again. Our Art class had decided to get together at a nearby coffee shop, (a bunch of us having decided we were just too old for trick-or-treat) so we met up the Friday before Halloween. I spotted Annie and her friend Jackson and a few others from class and waved, then grabbed a cup of coffee and headed over to their table. They made a spot for me between them and I plopped down exhausted. I let my head fall over and rest on the table top.

"Wow, Adi," Annie said.

"Yeah. I'm pooped," I whined. Jackson patted me on the back. He was part Cherokee Indian and had long black shiny hair.

"Sorry, Ads," he said.

### I tried to smile at him, but it came out a grimace. "I'm ready for the holidays already."

"Me, too," he said.

### Annie put an arm around me. "Hang in there, kiddo. A little over six months and you'll have two whole years behind you."

### We high-fived.

### The holidays finally did come again. Christmas of Ninety-four we had a light sprinkling of snow, but it didn't stick. I felt like I hadn't seen John much. This being an adult thing was already starting to stink: nothing but work and school. I vowed to spend a lot of time with John over the break, and he did the same. We needed down time and time together.

### We spent most of the winter break just hanging out at my house (our house now... I'd begun to think of it as Dad and Janice's house actually and felt more and more like a guest who'd overstayed her welcome).

### John and I relished the time together. I didn't hear much out of Ronnie and was kind of concerned about her. It wasn't like her to go so long between visits, or at least phone calls. It was especially odd not to hear from her around the holidays. I left a couple messages for her but hadn't heard back.

### On New Year's Eve she called me at midnight sounding drunk. She told me she loved me and she'd try to come see me around her birthday. She wanted to be with me for her twenty-first. I hoped she could.

### By Valentines Day I hadn't heard from her. I'd gotten David on the phone once and he'd sounded exasperated, saying she was out with friends. I was really worried about her.

### On April 19, 1995 a bomb exploded downtown at the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building, killing one-hundred sixty-eight people and injuring around eight hundred. Among other federal employees to die was Janice's friend Kyla. John had an uncle who had been injured in the blast, but thankfully, it looked as though he'd pull through.

### In the hours immediately following, there were bomb threats called in all over, even sickeningly at hospitals. John worked night and day helping evacuate patients, people who desperately needed to be hooked up to oxygen and other life-supporting equipment. It was a nightmare. The news carried nothing but story after story of the horrific terror attacks that had been perpetrated on our state and our people. The young men--members of a fanatic militia group--were arrested soon after. They claimed they had been retaliating against the way the government had handled the '93 incident in Waco, Texas. Rumors flew everywhere, conspiracy theories abounded. Nothing could ever justify the carnage, the innocent lives lost and destroyed. People were confused, hurt, angry, scared and exhausted.

### Rescue workers from all over the US pitched in and dug through rubble, saving whom they could. We watched the reports tearfully.

### On the last day of school before summer, Annie ran up to me as I was walking to my car.

"Hey, Adi, wait up!"

"Yeah, Annie. What's up?" Annie Washington had become a bright spot in my school days. She sat with me in art appreciation and had a great sense of humor. She was pencil thin with short dark hair and big blue eyes. We'd gotten to be better friends this year.

"Did you see the way Jackson Fowler was checking you out?"

"Who? Jackson? No way," I said.

"Don't tell me you've never noticed?" she nudged me with her elbow.

"Annie, I try not to notice other men... too much. He was staring at me?"

"Ohhh yeaahh. Big time. He does that a lot. I wish he'd look at me that way." She waved and walked over to her car.

### Yikes. I didn't know how I felt about that. I turned and looked around and didn't see him... paranoid all of the sudden.

### I got in my car and headed home, expecting to see John there when I arrived. His car wasn't there yet. I went inside and grabbed a soda, dropping my bags on the floor in the corner.

### A loud bang came at the door and I jumped. I went over, wondering why John wasn't torturing the doorbell in his usual manner.

### It wasn't John, It was Jackson. Omigod. "Hello? Can I help you?" I stepped onto the porch.

"Hey, Adison. It's me, Jackson... from art class." He looked up at me and jerked his head a little, getting the hair out of his eyes. He had huge hazel eyes and wasn't bad-looking. In fact he had the body of someone who worked out a lot. I mentally pinched myself for even noticing.

"Yes? Yes, how are you?" I was getting nervous not knowing what he wanted. I guess it became obvious I wasn't going to just ask him in.

"I hope you don't mind. I've been wanting to talk to you, and I just happened to be behind you in the car, so I kind of... followed you home. Don't be freaked out or anything," he added quickly, flashing a quick bright smile.

### I had no idea how to respond to that."Anyway, I just wanted to say hello. I thought maybe we could hang out sometime."

"Jackson, I uh don't think that's a great idea. It's not personal, but John and I..." I began.

"John Hall, huh?" he asked. I nodded. His face tensed up. He looked very unhappy. "I just thought we could maybe... never mind, I'll go now." He could tell I wasn't exactly falling all over myself to chat with him. I got the feeling that was unusual in his experience.

"Okay, um thanks," I said awkwardly. "See ya around!" I went inside and shut the door.

### That was weird.

### Just a few minutes after shutting the door, the bell rang several times and I knew it had to be my John. I let him in and we kissed for a few minutes.

"Wow, nice welcome, sweetie. Who was that pulling out of the drive? Nice car." Guys always noticed such things. I'd only noticed it was red and sporty.

"Just a guy, from class."

"What?" John frowned and turned back towards me suddenly. He dropped the backpack he had in his hand.

"Just this guy. I don't know him that well. He's in my art class. He just stopped by. I didn't let him in or anything. Said he just wanted to say Hi. He was in the neighborhood or something." I really didn't want to tell John this random guy had followed me home.

"Oh. That's strange. He just kind of... showed up?" John was not happy, I could tell.

"Yeah, it was nothing. He knows my friend Annie, I'm sure it's nothing. Let's talk about something else. Like you," I kissed him, my favorite tactic for distraction. It seemed to work. He seemed to relax.

### He sat down and I grabbed him a soda from the fridge. I joined him on the sofa. He took the can, opened it and took a long swig. He was bouncing one leg up and down and seemed agitated.

"What? What is it with you, you seem nervous."

"Oh, it's nothing." He was still mad, I could tell.

"John, you're not still thinking... I didn't invite him over."

"Yeah, okay," he said and got up and paced a little. I went to him and grabbed his face in my hands, making him look at me.

"Babe. I love you. What's going on?"

### He grabbed my hands in his. "Adi, I just... I love you so much, just thinking about that guy being over here, buzzing around you like a bee on a rosebud. I don't like it."

### I looked and felt exasperated. Despite my efforts, my voice rose a little. "What do you want me to do? I can't control the world and everyone in it. So what if he does like me? Who cares?" I had my hands in the air. I found it hard to really get into a deep discussion without using my hands.

"Adi, I never really talk about it, but my last girlfriend, she fooled around on me. I came to her house one day to find another guy there. It's getting to me a little... flashbacks I suppose." He rubbed his face in frustration. "I can't do that again. Not with you. I love you too much."

"I don't know what else I can tell you. I'm sorry she broke your heart. I have not and will never be unfaithful to you, hon. I won't. It just isn't in me. If I thought it was over, I'd just come out and tell you." I tried to touch him and he turned away.

### Now I was getting pissed off. "Damn it, John, look at me!"

### He turned and looked at me. I'd never seen him so hurt or angry. He was always so happy. He was leering at me.

"Babe!" I put my arms up in frustration, with a questioning look on my face, totally at a loss for what to do.

### Damn Jackson Fowler anyway.

"I'm going out for a bit, I just need to drive. I'll be back," he said and headed for the door. He turned as he was leaving and said "Be here when I get back." Then he was gone.

I fell onto the sofa. What the hell just happened? I hadn't done anything wrong and now John and I were at odds with each other. I'd kill Jackson if I ever saw him again.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER NINE

### Jake and Janice's wedding day was fast approaching; only a week away. I knew I needed to talk to Jake so I sat down with him after supper.

"Dad, I wanted to talk to you about where you guys are gonna be living. Is Janice moving in here?"

"Oh gosh, I meant to tell you. Yeah, she has her house on the market and plans to move in here after the wedding. Is that weird for you?"

### I suddenly pictured Janice coming in with all her stuff and completely changing the look and feel of the place. "No," I lied, "not at all. I'm thinking of moving out though. We talked about you needing privacy and now that it's all about to happen..." I trailed off.

"Adison, you know you always have a home here. This is your home. I don't want you to feel like you have to..."

"I know Dad, I know. I just think maybe it's time."

### The bell rang. Probably it was John. He'd come back that night after our argument, contrite and apologetic, but things still seemed a little strained.

### I opened the door. He had flowers and a box of chocolates and a huge smile on his face. He really knew how to make up with a gal.

### I let him in and took my goodies out of his hands. He leaned down and caught a quick kiss. Jake came over and they shook hands. Jake looked at John, then at me. It occurred to me that maybe he was thinking I was moving in with John or something. I'd reassure him later on that point. Where would we live... the dorms?

I took the flowers into the kitchen and put them into a vase. Tulips--my favorite. I tore into the box of candy like I hadn't eaten in a week. I offered some around.

### Later, Janice came over and we talked wedding plans some more. Janice didn't have any family around, just a few close friends that would come, and they had talked about it being a very small church wedding, probably around fifty or sixty guests. Neither of them were motivated to make a big deal out of it, both having been married before. Janice was once divorced, having married in her twenties. Her first husband had left her after a year together; just went out one day and never came back. She was a nurse at Midwest City Hospital.

### Janice had been spending more time around the house, I suspected because Jake wanted us to get to know each other, hoping we'd become new best friends. I thought she was nice enough, even if she did try a little too hard at times.

### June weddings were always nice, if they were indoors. The heat was brutal and we all thanked God the a/c worked really well in the church.

Janice had asked if John would walk her down the aisle as her father had passed away several years before of heart failure, and John had gladly agreed. She had also asked me to stand up with her. I was almost twenty-one and already feeling "always a bridesmaid, never a bride."

### The dress was, let's face it--hideous, as they usually are. I was an explosion of bubble-gum pink: poofy, off-the-shoulder sleeves, the whole deal, but at least I wasn't alone in Pinkville. Janice's other bridesmaid Sheila joined me there.

### At Ronnie's wedding, my dress had been a simple sleeveless sheath, but this monstrosity had to go. I couldn't wait to get out of it, and tried to maintain a smile on my face.

### It was "go" time, the music started and John came walking down the aisle with Janice. My heart nearly stopped. He was so gorgeous in his tux, and I couldn't help but picture him all dressed up for me one day. My heart skipped a beat.

### Dad stood nervously at the front and I noticed how his eyes sparkled as he looked at Janice. I should've encouraged him to look for love before. He'd been so alone, and I had never given a thought to his wants or needs when I was younger, it was all about me. He must've seen it that way, too.

### They said their vows and the minister finally announced them man and wife, and he kissed her. I felt the tears come down my cheeks, no doubt destroying my make-up. My little man was all grown up.

### It was two days after the wedding and Dad and Janice were gone to Turner Falls for a few days. I had the paper out, looking for apartments to rent, rooms for rent, a closet somewhere I could afford and fit into, just anything. There was a "roommates" section but the thought of living with a stranger kind of weirded me out.

### I looked over at Janice's cardboard boxes that were jammed into every corner of the house. They were multiplying and taking over.

### Tapper (Janice's calico cat) was wandering around exploring. He had an attitude about him, one that kind of said "I am the king and you are my subjects." We'd been trying to establish a truce between us, but he still gave me wide berth. (Just because the first day in his new kingdom I stomped on his tail – accidentally--and cussed at him--intentionally.)

### On impulse I called my friend Annie to ask if she had an apartment or was she still living with a parent. I couldn't recall her telling me. Seemed like her Dad had recently moved away... maybe she had her own place. She didn't answer so I left a message.

### I knew John was on his way and would be getting here at four-ish so I left the front door unlocked for him as I went through the paper, figuring he could let himself in.

### The phone rang. "Hello?"

"Hey, Adison. It's me, Jackson. How you doin'?"

### The nerve. "I'm looking for an apartment, actually," I said without thinking.

"Really? You need a place to stay? I got room at my place." The bell rang then John tried the knob and found it unlocked and came in. He was dressed a little more fancy than usual for a summer evening.

### I about jumped out of my skin. "No, really," I said.

"I mean, a whole separate room and everything. You think about it. No pressure and I'll give you a great deal. Strictly roommates."

"I gotta go, Jackson." I hung up the phone.

### John was right next to me in a heartbeat. "Jackson?"

### Oh brother. "Yes, it was nothing, he just called me."

"What's his number," John grabbed the phone. He was so angry.

"I don't have his number!" I was getting frustrated with him about this. And how did Jackson manage to have such impeccable timing?

### John looked at me for a few beats, then put the phone back in the cradle. "Adi, I know what you're telling me; that you're completely faithful and there's nothing going on, and I believe you, I really do." He ran his hands through his hair.

"But," I said.

"But, I can't help the way I feel. I can't help that the thought of you and anyone else makes me crazy. The thought that there is someone else out there, pursuing you... I can't accept it. And I mean obviously other men are gonna be attracted to you..." he was so frustrated, but I was happy that at least he was talking to me about it. "I need to know that you're mine. I want you to have a ring on your finger, Ads. I want everyone to know you're not available anymore."

### Gulp.

"Are you telling me you want to get engaged because you want people to know I belong to you?" For some reason that was coming across more annoying than romantic.

"I am handling this all wrong." He pulled me over to the sofa and sat me down. "Adi, remember the day about a year ago, you first told me you wanted to move out because Jake and Janice were getting more serious?" I nodded. "I asked you to take your time and think about it, right?" I nodded again. "Well, that day I started planning this day." John kissed me, then pulled a ring out of his pocket.

"Right now at Pelican's Restaurant, Jake, Janice, Sam, Ronnie, and David, Annie and my whole family are waiting for us..." I gasped, totally blown away. I covered my mouth as the tears came. "Adison Taylor, will you please become Mrs. Adison Hall?"

"Oh! John! Omigod... Jake and Janice are in town? Ronnie and David are in town?? I'm absolutely speechless."

"Don't leave me hanging' here, Ads," John said, holding the ring in his hands. "You've got to put this ring on your finger then get your ass upstairs and change. We have a party to go to."

### I did both.

### The ring was gorgeous. There was one large princess-cut diamond in the middle, surrounded by what looked like hundreds of tiny diamond chips. It was a very unusual and beautiful setting. I fell in love with it.

### After dressing in the first decent dress I could find and running a brush through my hair I ran downstairs, nearly falling, and stopped for a quick kiss before being shuffled out the door by John. I had my make-up bag in my purse and would fix my face on the way.

### I decided I'd think on what do about Jackson Fowler later.

### At the restaurant I hugged everyone profusely and could not believe that Ronnie and David had flown in from New York for my surprise engagement party. I was overwhelmed, but in a good way.

### All through the meal I kept catching sight of the ring on my finger and couldn't stop staring at it. Occasionally just for fun I'd shove it in someone's face and scream.

### As dessert and coffee were served, Dad stood up and clinked on his glass with his spoon, getting our attention. "Everyone, here's to my Adi and her John. May they live long, love always and laugh often, together," he raised his glass and we all clinked one another's glasses, toasting the moment. Dad could really wax poetic when properly motivated.

### It was one of those evenings I'd always dreamed of, surrounded by everyone I loved, engaged to the man of my dreams. Maybe my life was truly about to begin at last.

### I ran into Dad on my way back from the restrooms and he grabbed me. "Adi," he pulled me off the side. "Is this, marrying John, is it what you want?"

"Yes, Dad," I looked him in the eye. "It is. All I've ever wanted was to find the right guy, fall in love and have a family," I said.

"A real family you mean? With a mom and a dad?" He looked full of regret.

"Well, yes I do think about that. I do want to create the whole nuclear family deal, have the complete package, but Dad," I grabbed his hand in mine, "you are and have always been my family. You've been a great father and sometimes mother, too, to me. I love you, ya know."

"I love you , too sweetheart. I hope you get everything you want out of life. John seems like a great young man. I hope you'll always be happy." I hugged him. On my way back to the table, I spotted Jackson Fowler over at the bar. What was it with him? How was he suddenly everywhere? He waved and I gave him a little nod. What was he doing here? Had he followed me?

### Something about the way he looked at me made me shiver on the way back to the table. I didn't call John's attention to the fact that Fowler was there... some things were better left alone.

### Ronnie and David came back to the house with John and me and everyone else scattered to the four winds. I gave Annie a hug as she left, Jake and Janice were going back to her house to sort through stuff and pack some more, John's family went back home to make sure his little sister Janie got to bed at a decent hour.

### The four of us sat around the dining table catching up on our lives.

"So when's the date, guys?" Ronnie asked.

### I looked at John and he looked at me. "Um, soon?" He said.

"All I know is I need a place to stay ASAP," I said.

"Well, I would say you could stay with us for a while, we have room, but..." Ronnie grinned.

"Yeah, that'd be quite a commute to college and work for me, Ron."

"Well, the offer is always there. Come visit anytime, stay, whatever." I gave her hand a pat.

"I guess I'd better check with the church for availability," I said. "As far as I'm concerned, the sooner the better." I grinned at John and he grinned back.

"Babe, how do you feel about having the huge church wedding versus smaller ones like Ronnie and Jake had? You've never said," John asked, looking over at me, eyebrows raised.

"I've only been engaged," I looked at my watch, "almost five hours, so we haven't had the chance to discuss any of this, but I think I'm cool with small. Ronnie, David, Dad and Janice," I began to tick off on my fingers, "we don't really have extended family that would be interested in coming, I don't think. "

### The phone rang. John answered, said hello twice, then hung up. "Wrong number, I guess."

"What about your side of the family, babe?" I asked John.

"My family is pretty huge, Ads. My folks, my sisters, Kelly's boyfriend will come with Kelly...O-o-oh! Janie could be flower girl!" I loved that idea. "Also I have a butt-load of relatives who will get ticked off if they're not invited."

"Define butt load," I replied. David laughed.

"Um-m-m-m, well, counting mom and dad's sides both, about six aunts and uncles, a few cousins, my grandma from Tampa..." John began.

"Crap," I said and reached for a pen and paper.

### We sat there for another three hours, planning a makeshift guest list. John and I stayed up long after Ronnie and David turned in (they stayed in what had been Ronnie's room) but John and I were so excited we couldn't stop talking about plans. Annie called and said she'd not had a chance to answer my question about the apartment. She did live on her own, but assumed since I was getting married, I'd no longer be looking for a roommate. I told her that I'd be living at home with Jake and Janice until the wedding. She was happy for me. I asked if she knew anything about Jackson having been at the restaurant; I knew they were friends.

"He called and I told him we could hang out after I left the dinner party so he met me there. He's right here. Wait, I'll put him on..." Before I could stop her, he was on the phone, saying hello.

### Crap.

"Oh hey, Jackson," I said feeling awkward. "Um, so did you hear I got engaged? I saw you at the restaurant."

"Yeah Annie said that was what the dinner was for... I thought you were looking for a place to stay?"

"I was, then John, he proposed to me," I said. "Just this afternoon. He had the dinner all planned..."

"Oh. Great. Congratulations. I'd hoped..."

"What?"

"I had kind of hoped you'd give me a chance, Adi. Are you sure about this guy?"

### Sheesh, I barely knew Jackson. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Thanks, though," I said. I hung up. Why did I always have to be so damned polite? I should've told him he gave me the creeps and to leave me alone.

Tapper began to use his paw on the kitchen cabinet, scraping it open a little, so that it kept making a tapping noise. So that's how he got his name. I scrambled through the cabinets until I found his food and poured some in his bowl, wondering if this was his first feeding of the day? Third? Fifth? Oh well, it got him to be quiet.

### Finally at midnight, I told John I was going upstairs and he could do as he liked. I offered him Dad's bedroom, knowing Jake wouldn't be back until morning at the earliest, but he said he'd crash on the couch.

### I kissed him for a few minutes... a taste of what was to come. "No sneaking into my bed, mister. We've waited this long," I turned to go up the stairs.

### Heavy sigh from John. "Okay dear, I guess you're right. Oh, um--can we get married tomorrow?" I laughed as I went up to bed.

### My twenty-first birthday was coming in August, so I decided I wanted to wait at least until then. John was already there – having turned twenty-one in April and I thought it'd be cool if I'd reached that milestone myself as well. I felt so much older than twenty. Life experience maybe.

### I was really wanting to have the wedding outdoors, maybe September when the weather was a bit cooler, so we began to plan in that direction. The church Dad (and rarely--but on occasion--I) attended had a beautiful arch in the gardens behind the main building that was often used in wedding ceremonies. We finally set the date for Friday evening, September twenty-ninth.

### John and I started looking at apartments, deciding to hold off until John had graduated college and went to work full time, to try and buy a house. We found a few places with rent in a price range we could afford (just barely). John was working part-time as part of his phlebotomy program and had arranged to pick up more hours in the lab at the hospital. I agreed to work more hours as well to make ends meet. Jake, Janice, Ronnie and David all told us they'd help out any way they could and hinted at large cash gifts for our wedding presents, to help us get started. It was nerve-wracking and incredibly exciting at the same time.

### We continued to "date" through the summer, John often sleeping on our sofa since he spent so much time at our house, waking up many mornings with cat on his face. Wedding plans were solidified, and we had put down a deposit to hold an apartment for the middle of September.

### I thought occasionally about Jackson Fowler. I had decided not to mention that phone conversation to John... Fowler was a sore subject with us. I really hoped he was moving on with his life.

### On the Fourth of July, Jake and Janice wanted to grill out, so they bought some burgers and chicken breasts and fired up the grill.

### I was still trying to get used to living with another woman in the house. Janice and I had talked several times and I was really beginning to know and love her, but it still felt awkward, going down to make a meal for Dad only to find she had already started cooking. Seeing her doing Dad's laundry, my laundry; it was taking some getting used to, but she made it easier than it could have been, I assumed. She bent over backwards not to offend me or step on my toes, and I tried to do the same for her.

### After some yummy chicken, I was clearing the patio table, tossing scraps into Tapper's dish, when I heard the phone ring. It was Ronnie. She was crying.

"Adi, I need you."

### I dropped what I was doing and went into the kitchen for a chat. "I'm here, sweetie. What's wrong?"

"Claire is here, in New York, and we just had this huge fight. She and David got into it and I stepped in to defend David and she went off on me. Right now I'm using a payphone and my phone card at a gas station. I'm real close to a bar, and I'm contemplating a night of drinking."

"Oh, Ronnie, I'm so sorry. When did Claire come? Did she let you know she was coming out?"

"She called me two days ago from the airport, JFK that is. Wanted directions to the apartment, so I gave them to her. She's been staying here. At first it was nice, we chatted a little. Then she sort of seemed to be moving in and taking over. I'm ready to choke her, Ads."

"Where's David?" I hoped Claire wasn't in the process of trying to cause marital problems between the two of them.

"He had a meeting to go to. When I left Claire was there alone, but I didn't know what else to do. David didn't want to leave me there alone with her for his meeting but he couldn't get out of it. What should I do? I found myself just standing there screaming at her and I was shaking... I had to get out of there."

"Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I wish I was there and could try and do something to help. Do you have a school friend or anyone you can call up and go see, for an hour or two, until you calm down? I'd rather you do that, than step foot one into that bar. Genes, you know. I worry about that with you."

### I heard a heavy sigh from the other end of the phone. "You're right, Adi, of course you're right. I'll call Tina from my accounting class." Silence for a beat or two. "I love you, Ads. I miss you so much."

"I know, me too," I tried not to tear up. "And hey, don't give Claire money, hon."

"I'll call you later tonight, okay?" Ronnie said.

"Yes, please do, or I'll worry myself to death. Also, please have David call me. I'd like to talk with him as well, if that's okay."

"Sure, will do. Talk soon." We hung up.

### John was standing there looking concerned. "What is it, babe?"

"Ronnie. Claire popped in for a visit. She's causing chaos...par for the course with her, I suppose." He grabbed me into his arms. "I bet she wants money, and I bet Ronnie gives her some."

"I'm sorry, hon. It's tough not being able to be there for her, huh?"

"Yes, incredibly," I said.

### At ten that evening the phone rang again. I'd been pacing the floor, wondering if I should call their apartment or just be patient.

"Hello!" I said as I snatched the phone up. I had filled Jake and Janice in on the situation. They had gone up to bed around nine-thirty, exhausted. I told them I'd fill them both in the next morning.

"Adi, it's David," David said, sounding exhausted and frustrated.

"Hey, what's going on?"

"Well, Ronnie said she talked to you earlier. I guess she went on over to her friend Tina's house. She's just gonna stay the night over there. She is totally overwhelmed by Claire. I'm getting ready to have a nice talk with our Claire... as soon as she shows up again. When I got home from my meeting there was a note from her saying she went out." I ummed in response, letting him know I was still listening. "Ronnie'd left a message on the machine telling me to call you and that she was staying with Tina. She and Tina cracked open a bottle of wine, and were gonna have a nice chat."

### I was happier about her drinking a glass or two of wine at a friend's house, than being out drinking at a bar by herself.

"David, what can I do?" I felt so helpless.

### Heavy sigh from David, "I don't know that there is anything you can do, but maybe say a prayer for her. And for me, that I don't kill Claire."

### We said our goodbyes, and I told him I'd try and reach Ronnie the next day. I said a little prayer.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER TEN

### Ronnie called me while I was at work. I got the message when I got home. She sounded upset still, saying Claire had apparently stumbled in drunk as a skunk around four a.m. waking David up, ringing the bell, smelling of smoke.

### I took a quick shower to get the food smell off and the ick out of my hair, then put some shorts and a T-shirt on and called her back. I hoped she was home from class.

"Hello?" It was Ronnie.

"It's me, sweetie. How's it going? Claire still there? David in jail?" I asked half-jokingly.

"Oh, my God. You wouldn't believe it. David totally booted her out. He took all her things and threw them out and told the doorman not to let her in again. She was so toasted, Ads. I can't believe I fell for her crap about being off drugs. I don't know what she was on, but David felt like it wasn't just booze." I heard her sniffle, beginning to cry. "I'd given her fifty bucks earlier. She said she was going to the store."

"Ronnie..."

"I thought maybe I was gonna get my mother back in my life. A small part of me actually believed she was for real this time. What is wrong with me?!" she cried.

"There is nothing wrong with you. You know that, don't you? Her life is a mess because of her own bad choices, not because of you. It's never been about you..." I'd been trying to tell Ronnie this--her whole life in one way or another.

"If it's not about me, why can't she just love me? Why can't she just be a mom?" We'd had this discussion before and likely would again. I hated seeing her in pain. How Claire could've treated her the way she did her whole life, then abandoned her altogether would always be a mystery to me. The devastation of that abandonment had become more and more obvious over the years. I felt totally unequipped to help her.

### I told her I loved her and I'd call her again soon. These talks always left me emotionally drained and feeling helpless and useless. I wanted so bad to fix everything for her, but there were things even I couldn't fix.

### August came and with it my birthday. I had told everyone around me that I didn't even care about celebrating really this year, since the wedding was so close, and there was so much to do and so much expense to consider.

### We had a quiet dinner at the house with Jake and Janice. They presented me with a huge chocolate cake with a "21" candle in it and Dad said he had another present coming soon. Mysterious. Janice had made me a pair of candle sticks by hand out of all recycled materials. They were gorgeous; if she hadn't told me I never would've guessed. The outside was a mass of pieces of broken-up colored glass. She had so many talents, I was learning. Making things by hand, cooking; she really blew me away.

### After dinner John's parents had asked us to stop by, so we went over and spent some time with them. I loved being in that home: the smells of home cooking, the kids laughing together, it was so... magnetic. I wanted that for myself so much. Hopefully I was well on the way.

### Mr. and Mrs. Hall (John Sr. and Julia) had seemingly taken a real shine to me. Every time I came over they fussed over me and treated me like one of their own, hugging on me, sending me home with leftovers and home-baked goodies.

### The fall college term started for John, and we were both so incredibly busy. Between John's classes, homework and our jobs, we didn't see a lot of each other. I had decided after getting my Associates in Arts in Liberal Studies last May that I wouldn't go back this semester. I wanted to plan the wedding and take a little time off classes, at least for now.

### The wedding was only a couple weeks away, and my stress level was high, which may explain how John and I got into such a huge fight. It was a Friday and I had worked all day, and got home at ten. John was at the house.

"Hey," I said as I came in the door. He came over for a kiss, and I bristled when he hugged me, feeling tired and dirty. I wanted a shower.

"Sorry. Bad day?" he asked. He seemed in a bit of a mood himself. We were both just so exhausted.

"Not really bad, just long. I worked a double today."

"Sorry, babe. Can I get you something?"

"Actually, I'd love just a small glass of wine and a shower." I plopped down on the sofa.

### He poured a glass of wine and brought it to me and had one for himself. I accepted mine gratefully. We sat next to each other, near comatose.

"How are we gonna do this?" I asked him, feeling overwhelmed.

"What?" he asked and turned toward me.

"This. We're both killing ourselves and saving every penny. I don't know about you, but I haven't slept much lately." I rubbed my forehead.

"The wedding is in a couple of weeks and we have a few days scheduled off. We can decompress then," he said, sipping his wine.

"I was going over our budget in my head in the car on the way home. I hope we get lots of cash wedding gifts, or it's gonna be extremely tight for a while. At least I know we can always come here for meals, or your parents for a while, if we need to."

### John jumped up, agitated, "I'm doing all I can. Next year I'll take more hours at work and less classes. It'll just mean graduating a little later..."

"No, I'm not saying that," I interrupted.

"Well I'm saying that. I'll do what it takes to provide for you." His traditionalism was showing.

"John, I'm not trying to complain or say that you can't provide, I'm just freaking out a little, okay? Can I freak out please?" My voice was getting louder.

"Well your freaking out is freaking me out! So just stop!" Now he was yelling.

"Stop screaming at me!" I ran into the kitchen and started opening and slamming kitchen cabinets. I don't know if I was suddenly hungry, trying to distract myself, or just wanted to hear that satisfying thud it made. I disturbed Tapper from resting in his basket. He looked annoyed.

### John came into the kitchen. "You don't think we should be doing this right now, do you?" he said, angry.

### I was totally exasperated. "What?!" I yelled, shaking my head. "Are you crazy?"

"Now you're calling me crazy. I'm going home." He stomped over and grabbed his backpack and ran out the door.

### I paced around for a few minutes, then thought I'd go after him. I grabbed my bag and keys and went out to the car. It wouldn't start. "Damn it!" I banged my head on the steering wheel. "Oh, OW!"

### Saturday morning I told Dad about my car over our morning coffee. I kept staring at the door and the phone, waiting for John.

"You okay sweetie?" Dad asked. Janice was upstairs getting dressed.

"Yeah, it's just--things are a little rough right now. John and I were fighting about money last night." I took a sip of coffee.

"Wow, I'm sorry. If it helps, whatever I have leftover in my wedding fund, I'm gonna give you guys in cash. Most all of the expenses have been covered already. There's gonna be a good bit left..."

"Wedding fund? I assumed you'd stuck a little something back. Maybe I can use it to fix or replace the car. Could you help me in that area? I'm totally clueless about cars, as you well know. I have no idea where to take it. John has some knowledge but we're never off at the same time these days."

"Don't worry about the car. Take mine today and I'll figure it out."

"Dad, I'm an adult now, I can't keep letting you pay..."

"Shush now, I don't want to hear it." He winked at me. "I'll have a check for you, the remainder of the wedding fund – tonight." I went to him and hugged him tight, nearly spilling his coffee.

"You're the best, Dad. The best."

"I know, I know," he said – lightly brushing me off.

### I still hadn't heard from John by the time I went to work and assumed he was sleeping in. Five minutes before my shift was over, John came into the shop, looking chagrined.

### My boss looked at me, then at him, then waved me off telling me to go ahead and go. I waved my thanks and punched out and grabbed my things. I got us each a Coke and we sat in a booth in the back.

"Hey," John reached across and grabbed my hand. "I'm so sorry, Ads. I was a total jerk."

"I was a bigger jerk. I'm sorry, too."

"I called the house and Jake told me you were here and that your car was in the shop." He rubbed his thumb across my hand.

"Yeah, I was wondering how to break that news to you, but Dad says he's gonna take care of it." I looked at him, hoping that would ease the news a little.

"Adi, we have our savings..."

"I know but he wouldn't take no for an answer. We could use the help right now."

"I just get frustrated, Adi. I love you, and I want to be the one to provide for you. That should my job now, not Jake's," he said, rubbing a finger over my engagement ring.

"I love that you're so mature and responsible, believe me, and Jake notices it, too. But we may have to accept a little help, just to get started. After all, look at it this way, we're not married yet." I gave him a smile. We went back to the house. Jake called as I came in the door.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Janice and I are up here at the car lot. I have an old college buddy who works here, and he's schmoozing me into a great deal I think. The Malibu just needed a new battery, but I decided to go in another direction. My buddy says he'll give me a little cash for it, and I'll just use that for a down payment. He loves the car, Ads, and well, to be honest, remember that gift I mentioned on your birthday?"

"Yeah?" I said.

"Well you're getting it today. I have one question... sporty or compact and great on gas and insurance?"

"Compact and great on gas and insurance. Smaller is better for me," I replied.

"That's all I needed to know," and he'd hung up before I could say car payment. What was he up to? Surely the man was not buying me a new car. Probably picking out another good used one. Cool with me. I'd had the Malibu – what seemed like forever.

### John and I foraged for food. We ended up pan frying some hot dogs.

### After that we sat on the sofa relaxing.

### Dad walked in with a huge grin on his face. "Come outside, guys," he said to both of us. We complied.

### I inhaled sharply, and I could hear John do the same. There sat a new, red 1994 Toyota Celica with a sunroof. It was red and pretty and I fell in love with it immediately.

### We jumped in and looked at it and Dad handed me the keys and the three of us took a spin around the block. It was just a few months old, had only been used for test drives and had just a few hundred miles on it. It was just like new.

"Dad," I said as we were walking back up the drive. "I don't know what to say... what... how much? We can't really afford much of a car payment..."

### He looked at John and me (John still hadn't found the power of speech, outside of whistles and groans). "Guys, I wanted to give you a great gift to help you start your lives together, so here it is. There's a check in the glove box. Happy twenty-first birthday and wedding," he said, handing me the keys back. I ran out and looked in the glove box. I saw the amount on the check and burst into tears. This would pay our rent for at least nine months.

### It's the night before the wedding and I'm panicked. John is staying at his parent's house tonight and the next time I see him will be when I walk down the flower- petal aisle that is set up outside the church, leading to that arch.

### My dress is hanging outside the closet door and fits beautifully. It's sleeveless white satin, tight at the waist, then flowing out to the floor with a small train; not fussy, just right. Janice has handled all of the last minute details and refuses to let me worry about anything. So why am I as nervous as a cat on a hot tin roof?

### Ronnie's flight is late getting in. I'm pacing around, listening for the bell. Some of my school friends had asked if I wanted a party, but I told them Ronnie was coming in tonight and I just wanted to stay home and wait for her. She'd insisted on taking a cab from the airport. David wasn't coming, couldn't clear his schedule. He sent his regrets.

### Ronnie gets in about thirty minutes later and I come unglued as soon as I see her, jumping up into her arms, nearly knocking her on her butt. We cried and hold each other, then get it together and take her luggage inside. I feel like we have so much to talk about now that we don't have to rely on long-distance.

### We settle in with some snacks: chips and pretzels, some block cheese and a couple of wine coolers. We talk, and talk for hours, catching up on every detail of our lives. Tapper plants himself on Ronnie's lap and purrs like a jet engine as she strokes his ears. Ronnie shares how hard it has been for her in New York without us, but she has begun to try and make some new friends.

### Claire has taken the hint and left town after David had thrown her out. As far as we all know, she is back in OKC somewhere. Ronnie seems to be feeling a little better about the whole thing, probably just trying to put Claire out of her mind.

### The morning alarm came early and we all scrambled around, trying to get out the door on time.

### We got there just five minutes before the ceremony was scheduled to start, but we were ready to go except last minute make-up touches. I was so nervous; I kept having to go pee, which was a major ordeal involving Janice and Ronnie holding my dress up while I went.

Dad tapped on the ladies room door. "Ready, princess?" He hadn't called me that since I was six years old. Oh, God. He's gonna make me cry before I even get down the aisle, I thought.

### I walked out and saw that he already had moist eyes. I tried not to lose it. With a choked voice he said, "Adison, you are so beautiful. I wish your mom could see you now. I am so happy for you and proud of you. I love you. Now, let's go get you hitched."

Janie had done her flower girl thing. She was so adorable with her little white dress and patent-leather shoes. The wedding march started, Ronnie and Annie went ahead. Dad and I were on. We stepped out and I found myself praying I wouldn't trip or something. Then I saw him, the love of my life. He was without a doubt the most beautiful, wonderful man alive, and I was marrying him. I caught his eyes, and saw his face glow with excitement. He looked like he was about to cry, and suddenly I was laughing and crying at the same time. He grinned. How did I ever get here?

### We got to the part where we exchanged vows. I didn't know if I was going to make it through, tears were welling up and streaming down, totally out of my control and I was shaking. We had each came up with something to say instead of the traditional vows.

### John went first. "Adison Taylor, I vow to cherish you as the greatest gift I've ever been given. I promise to love you, as the one most worthy of my love. I will always be faithful to you; you are my heart, my life and my reason for being." He slipped the ring on my finger.

### It was my turn. "John," I began, holding onto his hands. "You are everything I've looked for my whole life. Your kindness, generosity and goodness radiates out of you and touches everyone around you. I will spend the rest of my life trying my best to make you happy. You are my prince and I will love you, respect you and support you in all things, forever." I put his ring on him. We both busted out laughing. Tears of joy flowed freely from our eyes.

### The minister pronounced us man and wife and we kissed. The crowd hooted and cheered. I looked out and caught Dad, trying to hide the fact he was wiping at his eyes; Janice was openly boo-hooing, not caring who saw her. John's mom was bawling, too. I couldn't find a dry eye in the place.

### I turned and saw Ronnie looking over at me with pride and love on her face and ran into her arms.

### The picture taking began in earnest, as John and I posed, and posed, and kissed, and posed. Soon we joined everyone else in the fellowship hall. Janice had done an amazing job. Everything was white and clean and gorgeous. Flowers on every table, white lights everywhere. It was a dream.

### I had done it. I'd found the man of my dreams and gotten married. It was almost too much to take in. We were on our honeymoon in Corpus Christi, unpacked and settled into our hotel room. The trip had been John Sr. and Julia's gift to us. We'd only arranged a few days off, but planned to take full advantage of the time we had.

### I was incredibly nervous about making love to John, afraid I'd somehow disappoint him. We had room service steaks for dinner, then sat out on the balcony of our hotel room sipping coffee. I had reluctantly changed out of my wedding gown for the plane trip and had on a white pant suit Janice and Annie had picked out for the occasion. The jacket was strewn across a chair and I'd kicked off my high heels. The air on the balcony was a little chilly coming off the water. I rubbed my arms, and looked over catching John's eye. I had the feeling he was nervous, too. We stood and went to each other and kissed. He seemed to totally relax as soon as we were in each other's arms and I was surprised to find myself relaxing as well. He kissed me gently at first, then more passionately. I reached up and pulled the clip out of my hair, letting it fall around my shoulders. I felt like I would explode with anticipation, knowing there was nothing stopping us tonight, from letting our desire for each other reach its full expression.

### We went inside, not even bothering to close the door, and felt our way to the bed. We fell over and I landed on top of John, never breaking the kiss. "I love you," I whispered.

"I love you, more," he said, and then we showed each other just how much.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER ELEVEN

### The honeymoon ended much too quickly. It seemed we'd just arrived and gotten relaxed and we were packing to leave.

### We hadn't left the bed except for an occasional shower or bite to eat. Today we had to put our clothes on and be presentable again.

### John had been wonderful: passionate and somehow gentle at the same time, as I had known he would be. Our bodies fit together like two pieces of a puzzle; we seemed to be a perfect match in every way now.

### We headed out and caught our flight home with a feeling of hope and anticipation to start our lives together. Jake and Janice had promised to have all of our stuff moved over to our new apartment by the time we returned, so it would be good to get there and unpack and begin to make the place our own. Life was good.

### John's school was in full force, and he was feeling pulled under by a rip tide of homework. I felt a little pressure to work full time and help out with the bills.

### I'd made our little apartment very homey, gathering pieces of furniture here and there from John's family, Jake and Janice and the local used furniture store. I hung some artwork on the walls, including a couple of my sketches, and added some candles and a couple of knick-knacks that had meaning to us. I had framed a couple of pictures from when we were dating, and of course, some wedding photos completed the look and made the place look lived in.

### I loved having my own place – our own place. I didn't have to share decorating ideas with Janice anymore and John gave me free reign, not really caring where anything was, so long as he had a glass in the cupboard when he needed one and a comfy chair to sit in to watch TV or do homework. It was home.

### The cash gifts we had gotten for wedding presents really had come in handy and taken some of the financial pressure off, but we knew we had to plan for longer-term solutions, so we talked a lot about the future. John had insisted that after this year, the hospital would pay him a good full-time wage, and he was going to take it, and go to school part time in the evenings. He thought it'd be better all the way around, and I didn't argue the point. He was doing quite well at work and they loved and trusted him. He was happy with what he was doing for a living and that counted for a lot.

### We'd just called Jake and Janice to talk them into Thanksgiving at our apartment this year and hung up the phone when it rang. I picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Adi, it's me, David. Got a minute?"

"Yeah, sure David. What's up?" He sounded upset.

"Ronnie... she didn't come home last night. I'm beside myself."

"Oh my gosh, David... where did she go last night? When was the last time you heard from her?"

"When I got home from work, she had left a note saying she was going out with friends and not to wait up. I passed out around midnight, and when I woke up, I could tell she hadn't been home. I called her friend Tina. She hadn't seen her."

"Oh, man. I'm so sorry. Is there anyone else you can think of to call?"

"Adi, I have no idea. Truth is she's been a little distant. I feel kind of... disconnected. Ever since Claire was here..."

"Oh no. Well I guess there's not much I can do from here but pray and pace and worry but I'm glad you called, David. She is pretty independent, street smart... I'm sure she's fine. Please call me when you hear from her, okay? And if she calls me I'll call you," I said, getting more worried by the minute.

"Sure thing," David said, and we hung up. I told John about the phone call. We talked for a few minutes, then the next I knew I looked over and he was fast asleep on the sofa. I covered him up and turned off the light and let him sleep. We both had taken a few vacation days this week, so I figured he needed to start his vacation off right by resting up.

### I did laundry, and loaded the dishwasher, trying not to worry. Finally I got into bed and eventually fell into a restless sleep.

### The next morning, Wednesday, I woke up tired and disoriented. Having the day off was so unusual it threw off my groove a little.

### Strangely, I found myself looking for Tapper. I'd gotten used to having the little booger around at Dad and Janice's.

### I went downstairs for coffee and found a note from John saying he'd run to the store for bread, milk and eggs. I had coffee and cream and I was happy with that, so I poured a cup and sat at the kitchen table, thinking about Ronnie. I wanted to call New York, but I knew David would call me as soon as he heard something.

### John came in and gave me a kiss and started making scrambled eggs and toast for us. What a guy.

### Finally as we were finishing our eggs, the phone rang. It was David.

"Hello?"

"Adi, I'm glad I caught you. Ronnie's home. Two nights gone without a word... I wanted to choke her. I'd actually just spoken with the police about filing a missing person's report when she came in the door, looking like hell and acting as if nothing was wrong... that was at seven this morning."

"Can I talk to her please?" I was so mad at her.

"She's sleeping. I told her you were worried and that I'd call you and let you know she was alive. She looked like she hadn't slept the whole time... call her in six or eight hours, okay?"

### I sighed heavily. "Yes, I will. Thanks, David. Did she say anything at all about where she'd been?"

"No, she said she couldn't talk until she slept and nothing I could do or say would change her mind. I'm worried. You know her best. Should I be?"

"I haven't seen her act like this since, well, middle school. Claire must've set her off. I wonder if I should come out?"

"I don't know, Adi. I just, I love her so much... I don't know what to do for her."

"I know," I said. We said our goodbyes, and I reassured him that I would contact Ronnie later that evening. I went to John for a much needed hug.

### Later that evening, I called and got in touch with Ronnie. "Hey, sweetie... What's going on?"

"Ads, I'm sorry David got you worried. He got a little carried away. I was just out with friends from school." Ronnie sounded funny, not quite herself.

"Ronnie, it's not like you to stay gone so long and not tell anyone where you are. I don't blame him for being angry or worried, and you shouldn't either. Why didn't you at least call him?"

"I tried once, but he wasn't home..."

"So you didn't leave a message?! God, you are so selfish sometimes," I said, really aggravated.

"Adison, you are not my mother. Stop yelling at me, I can't take it!" I heard her start to cry.

"I'm sorry, Ronnie, but seriously. Where were you? What were you doing?"

"I went out with some friends, we went clubbing, then to a party. I ended up sleeping over at this party... me and most everyone that was there."

"And the next night?" I asked, completely flustered.

"Adi, I just needed some time alone to think," she started.

"Ronnie, were you drinking the whole time? You know you have to watch that..."

"Stop it, okay? I do what I have to do to get by, so just lay off. You and David can just lay off me, okay?" I heard her sob and then the line went dead.

### At Thanksgiving dinner, Jake said a little prayer for Ronnie and David. I'd contemplated going out there, but convinced myself that she didn't want my help and that maybe she had gotten over herself and would get back on track. I'd call her in a day or two if I hadn't heard from her or David by then.

### Ronnie had always struggled with feeling abandoned by her mother, and worse, feeling like it was somehow deserved. She had fought her whole childhood to prove to herself that she would be different than her mom, and I was so afraid she'd take a similar course. Up until now, she'd done pretty well, all things considered. To my knowledge, she'd never tried drugs of any kind. When she was with Jake and me, she seemed to settle down and find her way, but now... maybe being so far away from us on top of Claire showing up, was just too much for her.

### By Friday morning I couldn't take it anymore, and I picked up the phone and called. David answered the phone.

"Hey, Adi," David said.

"How'd you know it was me? Lucky guess?"

"Yep. Glad I was right. How are you guys? Have a nice Thanksgiving?"

"Yes, but we missed you both. How's she been doing?"

"So far, so good, but you should know. She's not in school anymore."

"No?" I asked. "When did that happen?"

"We had a nice long talk last night, and she's been very stressed. Claire had kind of rocked her world, and all the old feelings have resurfaced. I told her that maybe she should just take some time off and get her stress level down. She'd also fallen behind this last semester."

"Hm-m. Wow, I hope she's okay. How about you?"

"I'm good. Ronnie said she's been missing me a lot... truth is I haven't been home much. I think she's been very lonely. I'm gonna cut my schedule back some."

"That's good, David. I miss you both, too. I was thinking of coming out..."

"Actually, I was gonna say I told Ronnie last night that we'd come see you guys over Christmas break. Sound good?"

"Absolutely!" I said. My spirits picked up immediately. I just knew that once I could spend some time with her, we could fix anything, together.

### John and I caught up on our sleep over the next few days, and before I could get bored, it was time for David and Ronnie to arrive. I was so excited I could hardly stand it. My boss at the sub shop had given me Thanksgiving through New Year's off, and I took it, even while mourning the loss of the extra income. I wanted to be off for a bit and enjoy the season and spend time with my friends and family.

### They got in around five in the afternoon the week before Christmas and took a limo service straight to our apartment. I had my Ronnie back, for a week or so anyway. They had to go back home a couple days after Christmas, but I'd take what I could get.

### When I opened the door, I screamed in delight and hugged Ronnie enthusiastically. We immediately took off for the kitchen in search of coffee and totally left the guys to handle the luggage. I had warned them that our apartment was pretty small, especially compared to theirs, but that we had a small extra bedroom. They were thrilled to be our first house-guests.

### The men folk dragged the luggage in (Ronnie always grossly over-packed) and hauled it into the spare room. They settled into a ball game on TV.

"So when do we see Jake and Janice?" Ronnie asked.

"They'll be over tomorrow for lunch," I told her.

"That's good. I miss everyone so much. I can't wait to see Jake. I never realized what a staple he was in my life... I totally took him for granted. You have a great dad, Adi."

"Yes, I do. How's Sam? Have you heard from him lately?"

"He called a couple of weeks ago. He stays real busy." She didn't elaborate. Sam Stanford – the workaholic – was doing his thing, I guessed.

### Time to zero in. "Ronnie, how are you, really? I've been so worried."

### Ronnie ran a hand through her hair. "I'm okay I guess. I just get so lonely sometimes, and my mind wanders. Did David tell you I'd quit school?"

"Yeah, he did."

"I may go back one day, but at least it's not like I need the money." She shrugged. "David is working thirty hours a week and taking classes part time. Even at part-time status, he is one of CompTak's most valuable employees. He's a mover and shaker... like Sam, in that way. I'm so proud of him," she said with a grin.

"That's great, Ron. How are you feeling about the whole Claire visit? I was so concerned," I said.

"I still cannot believe she did that. Honestly, I hope I never see her or hear from her again," she said, the bitterness obvious in her tone. "And then I go and disappoint David... and you by doing something stupid. I'm so sorry. Does Jake know about that?"

"Yeah, but he's okay. He's just concerned that you're okay."

"I'm an idiot," she said, and put her head in her hands.

"No, sweetie. You're not an idiot," I said and brushed her hair back. "You're just a great gal, doing her best to deal with what life has handed you. You're wonderful," I said and squeezed her hand.

"Well, I have you, Adi. And David and Jake. That's not so bad." She smiled.

### It was Christmas Eve and Ronnie, John and I had left Dad's house to go buy a few last-minute gifts. David stayed behind, keeping Jake company in front of the TV while Janice ran around baking and wrapping gifts.

### I'd just purchased the last item I had been looking for, for Ronnie, and walked out into the mall to find Ronnie standing there waiting. I didn't see John. Ronnie said, "John went to get the car."

"This way?" I asked and Ronnie pointed me toward the mall exit. We walked outside but didn't see John, so we stepped back inside the wind was bitter cold. After a few minutes, Ronnie said she'd pop outside and look around. I saw her running frantically back up to me. Something was wrong. I dashed outside.

"What?" I looked around, afraid someone was chasing her. I didn't see anything out of place. Then I saw a small crowd of people forming over in the parking lot.

### She was dialing on her cell phone, getting frustrated. It wasn't going through. "Where's the nearest phone?!" Ronnie was frantic. I pointed behind me to a hallway that advertised phones and restrooms. "I'll be right back." I followed her. Then realized I still hadn't seen John.

Oh no, where was John?

### As Ronnie reported to the police that she'd just witnessed a beating and needed an ambulance, my heart leaped into my throat. I ran outside toward the crowd, pushing my way through. I could hear sirens in the distance.

### It was John, flat on the ground. His mustang was gone. He was unconscious and bleeding. "Oh, God, no!" I screamed and dropped down beside him. "John! John, talk to me." Tears were flowing now. I felt Ronnie come up behind me and put a hand on my shoulder.

"Don't move him, sweetie. Help is on the way... help is on the way." She held me while I cried.

### The police came and took statements from four or five people who had seen what happened from different vantage points, although no one had been terribly close by.

### John had unlocked the car door and was getting in when a man with a bat approached him from behind and beat him on the back of the head. Some witnesses saw the guy kicking John after he was down. Then the hooded man jumped into the car and sped away, leaving John in a bloody heap. One man had his hunting rifle on the back of his truck, and as soon as he saw what was happening, stopped in the middle of the lot, grabbed his gun and ran over, but the man had gotten away in the car by that time.

### The description was medium height, muscular build, black hair, long. A couple people had noticed his hair coming out of the hood.

It couldn't be. It just couldn't be.

### At the hospital I stayed by John's side. The doctors told me he was lucky to be alive, based on where the initial blow had landed and how hard he'd been hit. His skull was cracked, and there was swelling on the brain. He had a couple of bruised ribs.

### Soon his family was all in the waiting room, along with Ronnie, David, Jake and Janice. I was told that visiting hours were almost over. I told the nurse that I would be staying with him all night unless she planned to physically remove me. I also told her that each family member would get to come in and see him briefly. She reluctantly caved in to my demands, but told me he needed as much rest and quiet as possible.

### I stepped out and nodded to John Sr. and Julia and they ran over.

"Come in. Just you two for now, okay?" They said okay and went to their son's side. Julia grabbed my hand and sobbed when she saw John. He looked horrible, bandages all over, bruises under his eyes. He was almost unrecognizable. His dad was beside him holding his hand, and I saw his shoulders shake and knew he was weeping. I held Julia and we cried together.

### After about fifteen minutes, I asked Ronnie and David if they would take the Halls down to the cafeteria to get coffee and maybe a bite to eat, and to bring some coffee back to me when they returned. They went off, silent and teary-eyed. John's cousin had come up and taken his sister Janie home with him, as it was getting late and she was so tired and upset. Kelly sat in the waiting room, not wanting to go to the cafeteria.

### Kelly went in and spent a few minutes with her brother, and hugged me tightly when she came out. Worry and fear etched her features. I knew how she felt.

### A police detective had questioned me extensively when I told him I had some thoughts on who may have done this. I was so reluctant to say anything, not believing myself that it could be true. He was the only person we could think of, outside of a totally random incident: Jackson Fowler.

### The police and doctors agreed that such a brutal beating was rarely random. The officer took his name and anything else I could remember about him and said they'd look into it.

It was all a matter of time and healing now. He could come out of it and be fine, they said, or he could not. We had to wait.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER TWELVE

### We had spent Christmas Day through New Year's Day in the hospital. David went back home to New York as scheduled but Ronnie stayed. At eleven a.m. on January first, 1996, John opened his eyes.

### I was half asleep in the chair when I noticed a slight movement of his hand. I jumped up and went to him and saw him open his eyes. It was the most spectacular thing I'd ever seen.

"Sweetie. It's me, Adi. Hello," I said and couldn't stop a tear from escaping. At this point I was surprised I had any left. I grabbed his hand tightly with both of mine. Suddenly I thought to use the nurse's call button, so I grabbed it and punched it hard.

"John... can you hear me, honey? Can you understand me? Squeeze my hand if you can." I got very still and felt a small movement in his hand. I started laughing. "Great, babe, that's great." Then the nurse came in and summoned his doctor.

### While the doctor looked him over, I called Ronnie who was home sleeping, then found John Sr. in the waiting room asleep on the sofa and woke him up. I gathered the troops.

### I turned back to the doctor, anxious for his report.

"This is great news, Mrs. Hall," Not many people had called me that yet, and it still didn't sound like me. "He is coming around, seems to know his name and what year it is, or close enough anyway. He said 1995, and it was when he was attacked. He doesn't understand a lot about why he's here and what happened, so I thought I'd let you and the family fill him in on the specifics."

"Thank you, that's wonderful. Do you see any sign of long-term damage?"

"Not yet, but we're going to keep a really close eye on him for another week at least. His bruised ribs are healing nicely. I'll keep you updated. I don't think you'll be hard to find. You haven't left his side. Have the police found out anything?"

"I don't know, nobody has contacted me, but I'm going to see what I can find out. Thanks again," I said, shaking the doctors hand and shuffling back to John's side. His parents and both sisters were in the room.

"Here she is," Julia said, and moved aside so I could be closer to John.

"Hey, handsome. The doctor says you're gonna be up and riding horses, and jogging, aggravating everyone in sight – before you know it."

### His voice was soft and a little ragged, "Adi. They said I was attacked at the mall? I don't remember anything after walking outside to get the car."

"Yes, it was... pretty awful. But you're gonna be fine." I bent down and kissed his forehead.

"Why?" he said, eyes curiously seeking mine.

### I sat on the edge of his bed. "That I don't know yet. I'm going to call the police here in a minute and see if they have any new information. Maybe he just wanted that car. Don't worry about it. Your job is to rest and get well, understand?"

"Yeah. Are you okay? Did you find me?"

"Actually Ronnie walked out and saw a crowd gathering around where your car had been, so she spotted you first, then she came in and called an ambulance, then I saw you. I was so scared, John... so scared." Then I lost all of my bravado and cried with my head on his chest. He was comforting me.

### I spoke with the officer in charge of the investigation, Matt Caldwell. He was thrilled to know John was awake and said he'd be up later today to talk with him. He had questioned Jackson Fowler the day after the incident and one other time, feeling like there might be something there. Jackson claimed to be with friends but couldn't really give any names of anyone who could back him up. He acted horribly offended that they asked him about it. They'd talked to some people who knew him, ex-girlfriends and such and found that he had a history of stalking behavior in the past, and that made Matt Caldwell very suspicious.

### Currently there was just no proof that he had done it, no sign of the Mustang or of the bat that had been used, no bloody shoes or clothing were found.

### I told John what he'd said and that he was coming up to talk to him on the off chance John would remember anything at all, a sound, a shadow, a smell or anything.

### He thought about that. "I just remembered... the sound of footsteps coming up behind me. That's the last thing, I didn't have time to turn around."

"Just tell Officer Caldwell that when he gets here. I let the insurance company know about the car. They're gonna cover it, so don't worry about that."

### He rubbed his hands across mine. "I'm sorry," he said.

"You're sorry?" I gave him a funny look. "Why should you be sorry?"

"I'm sorry you've had to go through this... the whole family. Some holiday season, huh?" he grinned.

"You being okay is the only present I need, the only cause for celebration. I thought I might have lost you there at first, babe. I don't know what I would've done." Despite his injuries I made him shove over and he put his arm around me as I crawled onto the bed with him.

"No funny business, you," he joked and kissed the top of my head.

### We slept.

### I awoke with a start when a nurse began to check John's bandages. She took off the mummy-like ones and this time, replaced them with a smaller one, just over the area of the wound. The first step in him looking like himself again.

### Finally that night I went home for a few hours. I fell into bed and slept like the dead for nine hours.

### When I woke up I smelled fresh coffee and heard Ronnie puttering around in the kitchen. I was so thankful she had stayed. She single-handedly kept me functioning over the last few days. She brought me clothes to change into, took the old ones home and washed them. Found me showers to use in the hospital. She and Jake took turns force feeding me on occasion. I didn't know how I'd ever be able to thank her enough.

### I heard a noise that I couldn't quite figure out. I ran down and started looking all over. A squeak? What...? Wait, that sounds like a cat. No, a kitten.

### I walked into the kitchen to see Ronnie at the table holding what I thought at first was a gray ball of yarn... with ears.

### I went over and she stood up and smiled and held the ball out to me.

"Whu?" I said, not understanding what I was seeing. The little devil looked up at me and mewed. A kitten. Omigosh. "Um, what the hell?" I asked, confused and greatly in need of coffee.

"It's a long story," Ronnie said. Something about a Christmas present from Janice.

"Janice gave us this fuzz ball for Christmas?" I said, taking the kitten and hating how much I loved the feel of its fur. I didn't want a pet. Pets were trouble.

"Yes, his name is TJ, for Tapper Junior. Janice says that Tapper has him trained to bang the kitchen cabinet door already. She bought him before John... you know."

"Wow. You've been taking care of him, too?" I said, feeling more sorry for Ronnie then ever. I scratched the little guy behind the ears and his engine started. "How old is he?"

"About seven weeks, according to Janice," Ronnie said.

"So, like... I'm a cat owner now. I'm speechless. I need coffee."

### Ronnie put a mug in my hand and after a sip I knew I could face the day.

### Today, John was coming home, if he passed a few tests the doctor gave him. I hoped and prayed he would as I inhaled my first cup and poured another.

"Ron, I... I don't know what to say. You're the best," I said and hugged her tight.

"You'd do it for me. This is who we are for each other, always... right?"

"Right," I said.

### We grabbed a quick piece of toast then set about making the apartment as comfortable and clean as possible for John's homecoming. Ronnie had already seen to the kitten's needs with a litter box in the laundry room and a little place mat with two tiny dishes in the kitchen. She'd bought food and everything. She scrubbed and cleaned and did laundry with me for a bit. Once we thought the place was as ready as it was going to be, we plopped on the sofa for a bit.

"When do you have to go back home?" I asked.

"Day after tomorrow. Will you be okay by then?"

"I'm sure we will. John Sr. and Julia and Kelly, Jake and Janice... they're all on call," I said. "So you won't be here for your birthday, huh?"

"Sorry but I need to get back. David misses me. That's a good thing, right?"

"Of course. Beats the alternative!" I said with a grin.

### We headed back to the hospital.

### John was up out of bed and taking small tentative steps with a nurse when I came in. I was so happy I nearly fell over.

"Babe! Look at you go!" I shouted from the hallway. John and the nurse laughed. I went up and pecked his cheek. "How you feeling today?"

### He sat back on the edge of the bed. "Like my head's been hit with a bat. When I stand up, the throbbing is unbelievable," he said and grinned for my benefit.

"I'm so incredibly proud of you, John. You rock." I kissed him on the mouth.

### He touched my cheek with his hand. "No, you rock. Look how you take care of me: hospitals, nurses, doctors, insurance companies... you're a good wife. The best wife ever."

"This is who we are to each other." I said, remembering what Ronnie had said earlier. I kissed him slowly, comfortingly until we heard voices clearing in the hallway.

"H-mm, h-mm. Sorry to interrupt the newlyweds," Officer Caldwell said.

### I stood and went to shake his hand. "Any news?"

"No, I'm sorry to say." He looked over at John. "Didn't happen to remember anything else, except the footsteps from behind, did you?"

"No, sorry."

"Officer, John's being released today. Isn't that great news?"

"That's incredible news. Congratulations. That explains what I just saw outside." We looked at him with curious expressions. "Hospital security is dealing with a small pack of reporters out front. You're news around here."

### Oh, brother.

### The front page of the paper ran an article about crime increasing and plastered John's photo on the front. Although a handful of reporters had pestered us for a small interview, with Ronnie and the family blocking we had made it to the car without speaking to them.

### Once we settled into the apartment (John insisted on the sofa instead of the bed, so he could be around me and Ronnie) I made a few phone calls. I called John's boss at work and filled him in. I called OU and talked to them about John missing a few classes. They were very helpful and understanding.

### John got up and around a little that day, careful not to squash the fur-ball. Ronnie and I helped him get to bed around nine. (I wanted him in bed next to me, no matter what.) Ronnie turned in for the night, so I got John all settled in and crawled in next to him. It was the most wonderful thing to have him back beside me. I said a quick prayer of thanks, and fell asleep quickly.

### It was time for Ronnie to leave. She insisted on taking a cab so I didn't have to leave John long enough to go to the airport. We said goodbye tearfully and she promised she was going back home and behaving herself. I told her that was good because I had enough to worry about.

### I came back in and made breakfast. John had gotten up, showered and come downstairs all by himself today, seeming almost back to normal, but he seemed to tire easily. He sat on the sofa and caught up with some homework. TJ was right in the middle of things, slapping at his pencil, batting around wadded up pieces of paper.

### I couldn't stop hovering over John like a mother hen, so pleased to have him with me.

### The next day I went back to work, and the next day John said he thought he was ready to go back to work. He was going to ease himself back slowly, only working a few hours a day until he was sure his stamina was back up to normal.

### By the following week, our schedules had returned to normal, both of us back to school and work.

### A couple of weeks later, I got a call from Officer Caldwell. John was sitting next to me.

"Yes, hello?"

"Mrs. Hall, Officer Caldwell here. How's your husband?"

"He's doing much better, thanks. Any word?"

"Not really, I just wanted to check in on you and make sure you hadn't had any more incidents. No one prowling around, nothing like that?"

"No, nothing unusual has happened..."

"Keep an eye out for Fowler. I don't trust him," Caldwell warned.

"Will do. I'll let you know if we see or hear from him." I hung up.

"Who was that?" John asked.

"Officer Caldwell. There's something I hadn't quite told you, John." I didn't want to do this, but knew I had to tell him. "The day you were attacked, I talked to the police about Jackson Fowler. The truth is, I have a little bit of a suspicion that he may have been the one to attack you." I waited for a storm I new would come.

"What? Who? That dude that came to the house and called you?"

"Yeah. Caldwell has talked to him a couple of times. They got a warrant and searched his house. There's no evidence it was him."

"Fowler. Fowler banged me on the head with a ball bat? But you said you barely knew him, why...?" He was completely exasperated. I preferred that to anger.

"I don't know. Caldwell said he has a history of stalking women." I waited, afraid of how he would react.

### He put his arm around me and gave me a kiss. "Wow. And you didn't tell me before now because...?"

"I was afraid of how'd you react, and I didn't want you to go after him or anything. There's no proof, remember, and we barely knew each other. Are you... okay?" I asked.

"I'm okay. What'd you think, I was gonna go over to his place with a bigger bat or something?" He grinned and hugged me.

"Well, kinda, yeah," I admitted.

"If I knew for sure it was him, I admit, it'd be tempting... very. But I won't go after him if he might be innocent."

### I sighed. "You're a good man, John Hall."

### Later in the bedroom, I was getting ready for bed and worrying about John. It'd become my favorite past time. Our nocturnal habits had been challenged lately. I was afraid to hurt or over-exert John, so we'd been taking things pretty slow and easy.

### I got in bed and shut off the light and snuggled close. He leaned over and kissed me. I kissed back. Things heated up quickly.

"John, are you sure? I don't want to hurt..."

### He responded by increasing the passion level. It quickly became clear he was feeling fine, and soon... so was I.

### For the next few months, not much happened. Once in a while, I got the creepy feeling someone was watching me, but figured I was just being paranoid. I looked for Jackson everywhere I went, but never spotted him. Apparently he wasn't attending Rose State any longer. The police could find no record of him going to school or having a job currently. They interviewed Annie who swore she hadn't seen him or talked to him since the attack.

### My art teacher from Rose State had given my name to the director of the Oklahoma City Art Museum, and suggested we meet to see about the possibility of an entry level job. I was considering that but had also been thinking about taking some time off and visiting Ronnie and David. I hadn't planned to look for a new job until the fall. I still hadn't made my mind up about what I wanted to do.

### John turned twenty-two and we went out for a night on the town. It had been a while since we'd done any real celebrating, so it was good to get out.

### We were coming out of Feather's night club off Sunnylane Road when I spotted him standing by a lamp post in the parking lot several yards away. He had on a hooded shirt again, but I just knew it was Jackson. I didn't know whether I should say something to John or just go to a phone and call the police. But he wasn't doing anything, just standing there, smoking a cigarette. I was a little afraid of a possible confrontation, but finally decided to point him out to John.

"Hon, look..." I pointed toward Jackson.

### John tensed up immediately and I grabbed his arm. "Is that him?" he asked.

"That's Jackson. We still don't know if he did it though. Please don't go over there. Let's just go inside and I'll call Caldwell. I have his number in my purse."

### The longer John stood there, the more he fumed. "I'm just gonna go say hello," he said, and started toward him.

"John, no! Please! Stay here with me... please!" He took a few steps toward Jackson. Apparently Fowler spotted him, and started walking toward his car in the other direction.

### John clenched his fists and turned and came back, taking my hand. "Go inside and call Caldwell, just tell him we spotted him watching us. Go, now," he told me.

### I went inside and found the pay phone, dug Caldwell's number out of my purse and dialed. When I got back outside, John was walking towards me from the lot.

"Babe, what happened, did you catch him? Talk to him?" I asked, frantic.

"I tried to catch him but he sped away. Same car he drove to your place that day. He saw me coming though. What did Caldwell say?"

"He said he wasn't surprised and made note of it. He said he'd send someone by here to check it out, I told him he was likely long gone, so they'll drive through the area," I sighed heavily. "Take me home, sweetie. Enough excitement for me."

### John kissed me and walked me out to the car. We got in.

"Babe, I need to ask you to please promise me that you won't approach him. You scared me half to death," I said.

"You expect me not to take advantage of a little interview opportunity? I was just going to talk to him, I.."

### I tried to steady my voice, but was getting emotional. "John, please hear me," I interrupted. "I can't handle it. Do you understand? I saw you on the ground, unconscious, bleeding. You could've been killed," my voice cracked.

"Adison. I'm not dead. He didn't kill me, I'm fine."

"I know but I need you to stay away from him, okay? Please?" A tear escaped and ran down my face. "I can't take the thought that something else may happen to you. You're my world, and I almost lost you."

### John turned toward me, seeming to finally get how upset I was. "Hey, hey, Adi, if it'll make you feel better, I promise. You're my world, too, baby. I'm not going anywhere." He kissed me then started the car and headed home.

### John was excelling at his job as a phlebotomy tech, while continuing his classes to be a phlebotomist. He was already a shift supervisor and had gotten a couple of raises along the way, which helped with our strained financial status. We were careful and didn't do a lot of extraneous shopping and spending, so we were making it. Having no car payments helped.

### I'd been a shift supervisor at the sub shop for nearly a year, and the owner continued to ask if I wanted to go into management with the company. I kindly told him it wasn't my field of choice, and that I really wasn't sure what I'd end up doing.

### My twenty-second birthday came and since John and I had gone out the previous Friday night to celebrate early (better for his schedule), I called up Annie and asked if she wanted to go do something. We decided on dinner and a little mall crawling, Annie insisting on paying for dinner and letting me pick out a birthday present at the mall.

### We ate at the Olive Garden in Oklahoma City then wound our way back towards the mall. As we drove into the parking lot, I had a feeling of unease, remembering the attack on John that had taken place nearby.

### I shrugged it off, feeling silly.

### We went in and talked and laughed, and browsed through several shops. I came across a blouse I liked that was on sale, and Annie insisted it should be my gift, so we had the sales lady ring it up. When we walked back out into the mall area, I felt uneasy again, telling myself I was being paranoid and having flashbacks. We went down to the food court for a cup of coffee.

### I looked up and across the seating area and saw Jackson Fowler. My heart jumped. The thing that most concerned me was that he was with a young lady. Suddenly I was more afraid for her than for myself. Maybe he'd moved on, transferring his obsession onto another hapless victim. Annie's back was to him, so I didn't say anything to her. I told her I was going to the restroom and called Matt Caldwell. I voiced my concerns to him and described to him where Fowler was, and also described the young lady with him. He told me that they had been trying to watch him and had known he'd gone into the mall. Caldwell often tailed Fowler on his own time. He thanked me and told me I should leave the area immediately and that he'd take over.

### I went back to Annie and made up a story about being tired, and asked if she'd take me home. I kept my Jackson sighting to myself, vowing not to upset Annie (who'd never been convinced of his guilt) or John, who I was still afraid would go after him on his own.

### It was only nine thirty when we arrived back at the apartment, and I thanked Annie with a hug for the nice time, the dinner and the gift. I got out of the car and went inside and found John dozing in front of the TV.

### He jerked awake when he heard me come in and close the door. "Babe, how was your girls night out?" he asked, petting TJ.

### I went over and kissed him. "It was fun. Great Italian food, scintillating conversation, and Annie bought me a blouse," I said, pulling it out of the bag and showing it to him. TJ batted at the price tag.

"Nice," he said. "Anything interesting happen?"

"Nope, just a good time," I lied. I hated lying to John but didn't want to stir him up. "I'm gonna take a bubble bath and read for a bit," I said.

"'Kay, sweetie. Hey happy birthday, again," he grinned.

"Thanks. Funny but I don't feel any older this week then I did last week." I went and ran my bath. As I was slipping in the tub, John came in.

"Thought I might catch ya in the buff," he said with a wicked grin, and removed his clothes and jumped in with me. It was a tight fit, but we made it work.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER THIRTEEN

### I sat in front of my mirror in the bedroom, brushing my hair, and thinking about how strange it was that Ronnie and I were both finished with our schooling and married. When had all this happened? What was that saying: "Life is what happens when you're busy living and aren't paying attention," or something to that effect.

### I hadn't heard from Ronnie since my birthday and was wondering how she was doing. Either things were going well, or she'd decided she wasn't going to tell me otherwise. I trusted David to tell me if things got too bad.

### Still working at the sub shop I'd worked at since I was sixteen was too depressing. I decided to try and find something else. I despised the thought of job hunting, which accounted for why I'd stayed where I was for so long. I called the lady at the art museum, mustering up all of my courage. She said they didn't have any openings currently but if I wanted to fax or mail over my resume', she'd keep it on file.

My resume': Sub shop for five years. Pathetic. Oh well, at least I could list my associates degree, and they would know I had a little "stick-to-it-iveness" about me.

### John had made the momentous decision to switch all of his classes to be geared toward pre-med. He was about to become a phlebotomist, and had been thinking it wasn't where he wanted to stay forever. We both knew it may take several more years of school, going part-time especially, but I encouraged him to follow his dreams.

### I went into work that evening and sat down with my boss and explained that I was tendering my resignation. I handed him a typed up official version, but explained my decision to move on the best I could. He was very understanding, saying he'd known the day was coming.

### The next morning, the phone rang, waking me up. "Hello?"

"Mrs. Hall? It's Matt Caldwell."

### I sat up straighter, wide awake. "Yes, what's up?"

"I just wanted to let you and your husband know that we have Fowler in the jail right now. We arrested him after he got physically violent with a young lady."

### I gasped and pictured the young lady I'd seen him with that night at the mall. "Oh no, I should've done something, said something..."

"No, you did right by not approaching them. He is not someone you want to confront."

"How is she?" I felt horrible.

"She's in intensive care. He really wailed on her. Name's Annie Washington," he began.

### I dropped the phone then grabbed it up again. Omigod. "Say that again, did you say Annie Washington?" My heart was racing.

"Yes, you know her?"

"God, yes. She's a close friend of mine. She's the girl I was with the other night at the mall, not the girl Fowler was with. Oh my God. What hospital is she in? I've got to go see her," I said, frantically searching for a pen and paper.

### That afternoon I was at the hospital in the waiting room when John came around the corner in his lab coat. I'd called him at the lab and asked him to come up to where I was, briefly describing what had happened. He dropped everything and came up. He ran over to me and hugged me.

"What the hell, Adi? You saw him that night and you didn't tell me?" He was angry, but controlling it well.

"I didn't want to worry or upset you; I'm so sorry." I grabbed him tighter, needing his support, needing him not to be mad at this moment.

### He hugged me back, seeming to get it. He stroked my hair, and kissed the top of my head. "It's okay, we'll talk about that later. Fill me in. Tell me everything, Adi," he said and we walked over to the sofa and sat down.

### I told him what I knew. Apparently according to Caldwell, Annie had been seeing Jackson off and on for over a year and had never told me. That explained why she had jumped to his defense when I had told her the police had questioned him about John's attack. For all we knew, the gal in the mall that night was someone he had just met then. He was probably there watching me and Annie to begin with.

### The doctor stepped out and told us we could go in, that she was awake. Officer Caldwell was just coming out of the room as well. Her condition had been upgraded to serious but stable.

### I couldn't believe my eyes and had a flashback to when I'd seen John after his attack. She looked horrible, face swollen, black and blue, one eye completely closed. One of her front teeth was missing. I ran to her side. As soon as she saw me she started crying. John picked up her chart and looked it over, feeling horrible.

"Sweetie, don't cry, don't cry. It'll be okay. We have him now. He's in jail." She turned her face to the side, away from me, the shame she felt obvious.

### She squeaked out the words, "I'm so sorry," but I told her not to try and talk anymore right now.

### I looked up and saw someone who must be Annie's mom running into the room. I left them alone, promising Annie I'd be back later.

### I went out into the hall and found John finishing up a conversation with the doctor.

"Ads, I just talked to Annie's doctor. I can't believe this. If he's the one who attacked Annie, then he's probably the one who attacked me. He's lucky he's in jail or I'd kill him," John said, eyes dark with anger.

"He is though, John, he's in jail so let the police handle it." I sighed.

Something new occurred to John. "That could be you in there. Adi, he could've just as easily come after you. They better fry him..." His fists clenched at his sides. "Did Caldwell say if Annie knew anything about the attack on me? What made him go off on her?"

"I don't know that yet, but I'll talk with her more once she's feeling a little better."

### We got back to the house, one right after the other that evening. John was slamming doors and banging things around, sending TJ running for cover. He nearly slammed the door on my face, then realized I was just behind him and caught it at the last second. I followed him in and closed the door.

"John, I wish you'd calm down. Let me make you a hot cup of tea," I said, setting my bag down.

"I don't want any damned tea, Adi," he said whamming his fist on top of the counter.

"What do you want then, John? What?" I said, emotions churning.

"I want five minutes alone with Fowler. I want his head on a pike... I want revenge," he seethed.

"Babe, please calm down. He's in custody. It's going to be okay." I tried my best to calm him.

### He grabbed me in a fierce embrace. "I love you so much. I don't know what I'd do if that was you in that hospital bed, Ads." He was shaking.

### I looked up into his face. "Welcome to my world."

### That night I called Ronnie and filled her in on everything. She sounded a little stressed herself, but kept saying everything was fine. David had cut back his hours for a while, then they seemed to get worse again. He had been contemplating quitting school and working full time, she said. His bosses loved him and seemed satisfied with his two-year degree, and he'd more than proven himself to them. They were discussing it. It meant David would be home more and making more money to boot.

### We hung up and I crawled into bed, utterly exhausted.

### Sunday came and John set aside his schoolwork to spend some time with me. I had decided I wasn't letting him out of my sight for the entire day.

### We had eggs and toast while reading the paper. We did laundry together, dishes together, it was nice. He seemed to want to be physically attached to me as much as I wanted to be – to him.

### In the afternoon, I ran to the bathroom and was violently ill. It had come on without warning. I asked John if he felt okay, wondering if we'd eaten something bad. He looked at me with concern, and said he was feeling fine.

### My next thought was, of course whether or not I could be pregnant, but I brushed it aside, chalking it up to a virus. John and I had always used protection, so it seemed unlikely. John fussed over me the rest of the day. We both went to bed around ten, and lay quietly in each other's arms, lost in our own thoughts. Soon I heard John's soft snores.

### At three a.m. I got up to throw up again. John woke up and rushed in to hold my hair back for me. He insisted I go over to the hospital with him in the morning and get checked out. He'd become friends with a couple of the doctors, so he called and they said to bring me in.

### By eleven a.m., it was official. I was pregnant. I was sitting on the exam table with a backless gown on when the doctor came in and told me. John stepped into the room, and the doctor said, "Your wife has something to tell you, John." He left the room smiling.

### I grabbed his hands in mine. "We're pregnant, babe," I said, teary eyed and emotional. I wasn't sure how he'd handle the news. He was already working so hard, the timing probably wasn't going to make him happy.

### I saw his eyes searching around, trying to get a handle on what I'd just said. "What? What? Adi, did you just say... pregnant? How? What?"

### I'd never seen him at such a loss for words. I couldn't help but giggle. He looked so utterly unprepared and lost. "Yeah, pregnant. How do you feel about that, hon?"

"Woo-hoo!" He shouted and jumped straight up in the air, shouting and raising his fists. A nurse or two poked their head in to see what all the commotion was about. "Yes!" John was dancing around, then grabbed me and spun me around, and then realized my bottom was exposed and sat me back down. "Oh, God--did I just make you nauseous? Sorry!" he grabbed my face in his hands and kissed it all over, ending on my lips.

### I took it he was happy about it. I relaxed a little.

### As soon as I got home I called Jake and Janice. They were over the moon and said they were coming over in a bit. They said they'd put Tapper in his little carrier and bring him, so he could visit his little protégé. I called Ronnie and she cried, screamed, laughed and cried some more. I knew it was a little bittersweet for her, after having had a miscarriage, but she was so thrilled and talked about how she'd be the world's coolest aunt.

### I got off the phone and laid there, waiting for John to get home (he had to stay and finish his shift at work) and thought about being a mom. Wow. I knew it's what I wanted but hadn't quite planned for it so soon. I placed my hand on my tummy and felt. No bulges or movement yet. I was only eight weeks along, so that would come later.

### I had just dozed off when I heard the front door opening. It was John, followed by Jake and Janice. They were chatting excitedly, grins on their faces. John ran right over to the sofa and apologized for disturbing my nap. I kissed him and told him I'd just been killing time until everyone got there.

### Janice released Tapper from his cage and he and TJ went nose to nose, then figured out they already knew each other. Tapper sauntered off, trying to play hard to get and above all that playing stuff, while TJ chased after his tail. We all sat around laughing and talking. Then I told Dad and Janice what was happening with the Jackson Fowler case. They were horrified at what had happened to Annie (they didn't know her well, but had met her at the engagement dinner and the wedding). I conveniently brushed over anything that would hint at any danger to myself, wanting to spare Dad any anguish.

### I was immediately sorry to have brought a damper on the evening, so I looked at Dad and said, "So, Grandpa. Whattaya think, a boy or a girl?"

He got the oddest look on his face. Until that moment I don't think he'd actually thought about being Grandpa. Janice cracked up laughing.

### John fussed over me all evening. I was beginning to see that he was going to mother-hen me to death throughout the pregnancy. He wouldn't let me get up to get anything, but waited on me hand and foot.

By the time Dad and Janice left, they were calling each other Grams and Gramps.

### A week or so later, we met Officer Caldwell at the hospital as he was talking with Annie. I hadn't been up to see her much but had called to check on her, and John checked in on her every day during his shift at the hospital. I'd been feeling so tired, it was all I could to walk from the refrigerator to the sofa and try to stay on top of dishes, groceries, meal prep and laundry.

### I went to Annie and held her hand. She still couldn't seem to look me directly in the eyes, but her swelling was going down and she seemed to be – at least physically--beginning to heal.

"So Jackson Fowler told you he attacked Mr. Hall here?" Caldwell asked, gesturing towards John.

"No, he only said that he taught him a lesson," she said quietly. "I asked why he talked so much about Adi and John... I was upset that every time we were together, he'd ask about them: were they still together, what kind of things did they do, where did they hang out. I finally got tired of it that night...the night he..." she choked up.

"Take your time, Ms. Washington," Caldwell said patiently. He was good with her: kind, walking Annie through it step by step. "Tell me again exactly what you told me earlier... What happened the night he attacked you?" He was not only looking for something he may have missed, but I knew he wanted us to hear her story as well.

"He picked me up and we went to that country and western club out on Reno Boulevard. He drank a lot, I had a beer. He danced with me and a couple other gals. I got jealous of that I guess I started to pout a little. He came over and sat down and asked me what my problem was. We started arguing. He said he had somewhere else to be and that it was time to go," she paused and took a sip of water, "he grabbed my hand and pulled me out to the car. Once I got in the car, I started thinking about John, and that terrible attack. Jackson's anger issues were getting more apparent every minute I spent with him. I asked him if... if he was spying on you, Adi," she said, choking up.

### I patted her hand reassuringly.

"I was so stupid, I can't believe I went out with him, I just thought I liked him so much. He could be very... charming." I nodded. She continued, "Anyway, when I mentioned your name, he pulled the car off the road, and started yelling at me, calling me names. He said... he said I wasn't fit to talk about you and that I didn't know anything about it. He said he already had taken steps to make sure you were free, Adi , that he'd taught John a lesson," she looked at Caldwell then, "and that it was only a matter of time before he and Adi would be together. That's when I got really scared, cuz I realized he... he did attack John." She stopped and wiped her nose with a tissue. "He said John was harder-headed than he'd thought. That's when I got out of the car and ran. I thought I'd rather walk home in the dark by myself than be with him another minute. He came after me. He grabbed my arm and then started... hitting me, punching me... he lost all control." She was openly crying now.

### I felt horrible that she had to re-live all this, and I couldn't help but feel somehow responsible. I stroked her head and made shushing noises, wishing and praying there was something I could do for her.

### Caldwell walked out into the hall and motioned for us to follow. "I was a little afraid Fowler would get out on bond, but we got a good judge and he set the bail impossibly high. He'll sit tight until trial. I don't want you good folks to worry," he said. "We got 'im now." He smiled and walked away.

### By the fourth month of my pregnancy, my fatigue was getting a little better and the nausea had been replaced by ravenous hunger. I ate six or eight times a day, most anything I could get my hands on. I had horrible cravings for watermelon or coffee ice cream (but not together at least). John had been sent out many a night to satisfy my cravings. Finding watermelon in the winter was not the easiest thing to do, but he had pretty good luck.

### I was to find out at my next appointment if I would be having a boy or a girl. I couldn't wait, wanting to buy the appropriate colored things: pink, yellow and green, flowery and frou-frou for a girl, lots of red, white and blue, if it was a boy. (I'd obviously had lots of time to think this through.) Having two different themes going through my head was really bothering me, so I was anxious to find out.

### By the beginning of the fifth month, I began to see a bulge on my tummy, a definite, obvious bulge. When I first spotted it, John came in the bathroom and caught me staring at my belly, shirt lifted up and all. He came up behind me and wrapped his arms around me, placing his hands over mine on my abdomen.

"This is really happening, isn't it?" I asked him.

"Yes, I think it is," he answered, then giggled. He kissed me on the head.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER FOURTEEN

### Ah-h-h-h maternity clothes shopping; what fun. Janice was with me and we were at one of the specialty shops in the city where they had the cutest things at the most ridiculous prices. Didn't they realize I wouldn't be wearing these things for long? They should be cheap... disposable even.

### My jeans had all started getting too tight in the tummy area, so I knew I needed to at least get some maternity jeans and maybe very stretchy sweats. Comfort was the word for the day.

### John and I had talked and decided that with the money we had in the bank, if we were very careful, I'd be able to stay home and not work, and be home for at least the first few months with the baby. That was very important to both of us, so I didn't mind tightening the belt to make it happen.

### From the looks of things, we'd want for nothing anyway. Ronnie kept sending care packages monthly, Dad and Janice brought groceries over weekly and every time I saw them, they had another baby gift in their hands (not to mention a new cat toy).

### My ob/gyn appointment day finally came. I met John at his lab and let him know I was there and he went up to my appointment with me. My doctor had an office right there at the hospital and was a friend of John's, so it made it nice and convenient.

### I lay back, legs up in the stirrups, feeling awkward. Was there any way NOT to feel awkward at such times? John always left during the pelvic, finding it a little too strange for him, but he came back in as soon as that part of the exam was done.

### There was a tech spreading cold gel-like goo on my tummy when John popped back in. They turned on the Ultrasound machine and began to search around.

### John grabbed my hand and squeezed as we watched the blurry, surreal image on the screen. I finally was able to make out the shape of a blob or something. It didn't look much like a baby to me; more like an alien.

### When all was said and done, the tech assured me she thought it was a girl. I was thrilled. So was John. Pink, green and yellow it would be.

### John had taken to asking about "his girls" every day when he came home from work. I'd assure him we were fine. I thought it was too cute and just knew he'd be a great doting father.

### The days began to blur together; John working his tail off and me "nesting" and getting larger by the moment. The holidays were a blur. I got slippers and maternity clothes for Christmas and felt fat. By February of 1997 I was at the six-month point and really looking pregnant. Ronnie had turned twenty-three quietly. She was back to not calling me much.

### There was no hiding the pregnancy any longer, an extra-large blouse wouldn't cut it. So far I'd gained seventeen pounds, mostly right in the belly. I really tried to control my hunger, but usually caved and raided the fridge. Mostly I chose healthier options, but once in a while, nothing would satisfy me but ice cream, a donut or a cookie.

### John just laughed at me and often joined me in snacking; he'd gained five pounds himself. He vowed to start running again after the baby came.

### Ronnie finally called one night in March and insisted she needed to come visit while I was "fat" (her words, not mine). She was coming out for a week (David would have to stay due to work commitments again this trip). I felt like I hadn't seen him in forever. It had been quite a while.

### When Ronnie got in, I had known she was coming, so I left the door open and sat on the sofa with my feet up. She came breezing in around five in the evening, pulling a suitcase behind her. I felt horrible that I hadn't prepared dinner or anything, but it was hard to get motivated when you grazed all day. I tried to get up and Ronnie came over and pulled on my arms and got me vertical enough for a hug.

### She couldn't stop staring at my belly and laughing with joy, talking to it, touching it every few minutes... she would make a great aunt.

### She hauled her suitcase into her room, then came down played with TJ for a minute or two, fussing over how big he was now, then washed up and rustled up some supper.

### By the time John came in, dinner was on the table. He hugged Ronnie and scratched TJ behind the ears then ran up for a five-minute shower.

### We laughed and caught up over dinner. John and Ronnie had a glass of wine with theirs, I stuck with apple juice. She'd made fettuccine Alfredo and garlic toast... wonderful. These days I ate as much as John at meal times. He loved teasing me about it a little too much.

### We were all pretty tired so by ten we had all turned in.

### The next morning I came down to John and Ronnie laughing and talking while making breakfast. It was Saturday so John was taking it slow, planning to do a little homework and a lot of resting.

### I hadn't been able to completely stay off caffeine but had asked John to start making half-caf coffee once I found out I was pregnant. I loved the smell of coffee so much--that rich, unique aroma had me going for the pot first thing. I had on my bunny slippers, which also happened to be TJ's favorite toy. I had to be careful with every step so that I didn't trip or step on him as he attached himself to the ears or crouched and pounced.

### I eventually made it safely over to a kitchen chair.

"Come here, you," Ronnie said and reached down and detached TJ from my slipper. He immediately went for Ronnie's hair; easily distracted.

### Breakfast was wonderful, especially since I didn't have to cook it or clean up after it. I was getting used to being waited on hand and foot, figuring I may as well take advantage of it while it lasted. I felt like a queen; a very fat queen.

"I'm going to try and get some homework done," John said and went over to our little desk by the window. TJ followed and parked up on the desk, fascinated with John's schoolbooks.

### Ronnie and I settled in for a nice long chat at the kitchen table.

"So. Tell me every little thing," I said, "and leave nothing out. I have to live vicariously through you."

### She laughed. "I'm doing pretty good. I took a part-time job at a dress shop near the apartment. I just had way too much free time on my hands," she said, sipping her coffee.

"Cool, that sounds right up your alley," I said.

"Yeah, it's been great to have something I enjoy to focus on. David's gone so much..." suddenly she was crying.

### I hauled myself up put of the chair and went to her. "What? What's wrong?" I grabbed her hand.

"He's gone, Adi. David left me. I was gonna try and keep that news to myself, at least for now, but I can't..." She grabbed a paper towel off the counter and blew her nose.

"What? I cannot believe he'd leave you. What happened?"

"We've been seeing so little of each other, he's always working. I couldn't handle it, and got all weird and clingy and argued with him every time he came in the apartment. I chased him away, Ads." The tears kept coming.

"Oh honey," I said and grabbed her head to my chest and tried to comfort her. "How long has he been gone?"

"He only packed a bag and left last week. He said he couldn't take the stress anymore so he was going to bunk with his boss for a while. I love him so much, Adi. Why do I mess up every good thing?"

"No, you don't. Life is hard; stuff happens. I'm sure he'll come around. Now that you're working, maybe it'd be better..."

"I did realize I needed something of my own. I sat in that big apartment all day getting madder and madder that he was gone so long, never seeing it from his perspective. He works so hard, trying to make a life for us, wanting to provide for me so I won't have to spend my money on anything, then I just bite his head off when he comes home. I don't blame him." She blew again.

"I'm sure he'll come around. I know how much you guys love each other. You'll make it work. Talk to him." I rubbed her tense shoulders.

"I asked him if we could go to dinner the night I get back and talk things through. He said he'd like that. I'll just die if I lose him Ads." She tried to dry her eyes.

"I know, sweetie," I said, praying that wouldn't happen.

### The next day I filled Ronnie in on the latest with Jackson Fowler. He was still in jail awaiting trial, so we had been able to sleep a little better at night.

### Annie had gotten out of the hospital. Her face would hold permanent scars, but for the most part, she was healing. She had enrolled in some counseling to help her deal with--not only the abuse--but the fact that she allowed herself to stay with him so long, even after she knew there was something wrong with him. She'd been blinded by her desperate need for love and attention, but we all hoped she was beginning to understand that now.

### Ronnie had brought her new camera with her and was determined to snap pictures of everything. Every time I turned around there was a flashbulb going off; I didn't see anything but spots anymore.

### She helped me plan and decorate the baby's room and went with me to pick out the crib and stroller. I was so happy that she'd been able to come out and share in some of these memories with me. At the baby store, I hugged her and asked her, "So...do you want to have kids one day?"

"Yes, I do, but I also know I'm not ready. You were born ready to be a mom, Ads, but me? I think I need to get myself figured out first."

"You are wise to be able to recognize that you aren't ready, I guess. That's a good thing. But I know that if it happened... when it happens, you'll be terrific." I looked at the thousandth cute little pink dress. I really had to stop.

"Thanks, Adi. I'm not sure you're right, but thanks for saying so," she said.

### The third day of Ronnie's visit, we went over and had dinner with Jake and Janice again, toting TJ along so he could visit his feline friend. Ronnie told them what was going on with her and David, and they told her how sorry they were.

### Janice had baked a fantastic lasagna and we were all completely stuffed. During dessert and coffee, we heard the sound of cattle running though the front room and realized it was just Tapper and TJ having a romp. It was good that they had each other; everyone needs a friend.

### We said goodnight finally, Ronnie and Dad getting teary-eyed as they said their goodbyes. She would go back to NYC in the morning.

### When we got home, there was a message on the machine from Annie. She said she wanted to talk to me about something, so I returned her call.

"Annie? It's me, Adi. You called? Everything okay?" I asked.

"Hey, thanks for calling me back. I have a couple things to tell you. First of all, I just have to say I'm sorry to you and John. I was such an idiot and not a very good friend," she started.

"Don't be sorry," I tried to interrupt.

"No, really. I'm going through this counseling and... it was wrong of me not to tell you that I was seeing Jackson. If I had done that, you would've warned me and if I'd listened, this wouldn't have happened."

"Annie, please, don't. This is Jackson's fault, not yours," I said, feeling bad for her.

"I need to say this. I need for you to forgive me, okay? Just say you do," she said.

"Of course, Annie--if there is anything to forgive."

"Jackson had told me stories of how his father beat him on a regular basis until he finally left home at fifteen. Instead of feeling sorry for him, I should've seen the red flag.," she sniffed.

"It does at least explain his rage, I suppose," I added. "Still--NOT your fault. He is very charming and good-looking. He lured you in. I don't blame you, Annie."

"Thanks, Adi. I hope we can continue to be friends," she said. "And please tell John the same."

"Absolutely," I told her and we said our goodbyes. I told John and Ronnie what she'd said.

"Sounds like she's gonna be okay," Ronnie said.

I hope so, I thought. I wasn't as sure. She had a long way to go.

Ronnie had gone back home and life was getting back into its routine. I was passing the seventh-month point and began to get a little anxious. I had made the mistake of watching a film made on child birth. It scared the bejeesus out of me. The gal on the film cried and screamed for hours; in between contractions, she and her husband talked about how wonderful natural child birth was. I hadn't found anything wonderful or natural about it. I talked to John and told him I'd try my best to make it through, but that he should have the anesthesiologist on call and at the ready.

### On the day I got to the eighth month, Ronnie called and said she and David were living in the same apartment again and seemed to be making it work. I was so thrilled for them.

### John talked to my stomach every night, even sang songs to it; both silly and beautiful. I knew the baby wouldn't have any trouble recognizing his voice, but might suggest vocal lessons. I couldn't wait for the day to come when I could see our little Madison face to face.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER FIFTEEN

### Madison Veronica Taylor Hall arrived on June 1, 1997 kicking and screaming. Pink faced, with a full head of honey-brown hair, she had all her fingers and all her toes and seemed in perfect health at seven pounds exactly. My labor had been twenty-five hours, and I went for the epidural. My little body seemed to be having a hard time, but I didn't have to have a C-section, and for that I was grateful.

### I had gone into labor while eating pizza. The contractions got worse and worse, and I finally called Dad and Janice, (John was at the hospital working) and they picked me up, all in a flutter. Janice, who'd never had kids of her own, was beside herself. Somehow they managed to get me into the ER and into a wheel chair and then Dad went off in search of John to let him know I was there. Soon I was in the labor room watching soap operas between contractions.

### John had everyone in the hospital so wound up; apparently he knew every doctor, nurse or staff member of any kind, and they all had to come in and say hi and tell me how much they loved my husband. I didn't mind so much unless I happened to be screaming and wanting to rip John's head off at the time.

### He was great, holding my hand, even though I was sure I was crushing each and every bone in it. He fed me ice chips and rubbed my back and breathed with me through the tough spots.

### When Madison was born, we cried like babies ourselves. Dad and Janice took some video tape of her when she was just moments old, in my arms, John behind me, beaming down on our little angel. I didn't think I'd ever seen John actually cry like that... the closest had been at our wedding.

### I knew early on that we'd have a spoiled little girl. She rarely got to actually sleep in her crib or bassinet; there were too many eager arms around that wanted to hold her and snuggle her and watch her sleep.

### TJ was fascinated by the new arrival. He never got real close and when Madison cried he ran as far away as he could get. I think he was very confused by the whole ordeal. The baby swing intrigued him though; he'd sit and watch it swinging back and forth over and over, as though he were watching a tennis match.

### I had spoken to Ronnie on the phone just a half hour after giving birth and she congratulated me and insisted I put the phone up to Madison's ear so she could say hi.

### I finally had to call Ronnie when Madison turned three weeks old and ask her to hold off on mailing gifts for a while, as I was running out of room for everything she sent. One day a stuffed bear bigger than me was delivered by a full-grown man in a diaper, singing, "Congratulations Adi, congratulations John! Welcome little Madi, hope you're having fon!" I thought I'd die laughing, but it was getting to be a little much.

### Just around the two-month mark for Madison, we got a phone call that John and I were to testify at the trial of Jackson Fowler. Janice said she'd take some time off she had coming and keep the baby for us while we were at the courthouse.

### The first day, we entered and saw Annie and her mom right away and went over for a chat. John's doctor was there as well as Annie's. Officer Caldwell showed up just as they called our case.

### The prosecution presented an airtight case, both John's and Annie's injuries being well-documented. Things seemed to be going well.

### The third day, there was talk from the prosecutor that Fowler's attorney was seeking to make a deal. The prosecutor seemed reluctant but offered to see what they had to say.

### The afternoon was winding down. Fowler and his attorney stood at a table, talking with the prosecutor, when all at once Fowler grabbed at a guard who happened to be walking by, getting a hold of his gun. He put it to the guard's temple and demanded to be escorted out of the building. As they backed out of the room, Fowler looked straight at me, then John, then me again.

"Sleep well tonight, love," he said, then they were gone.

### Chaos broke out as the judge and guards busted out the door, screaming, "Call 911!" People were shouting and running around everywhere. John grabbed me and dragged me into the hallway. We saw Annie huddled in a corner crying and went to her, helping her up and dragging her along with us. We had no idea where Fowler was, or how far he'd gotten. Was he still in the building? No one seemed to know.

### I looked over my shoulder and saw the ladies room. "In here!" I said, and pulled Annie in behind me. Then I noticed John wasn't with us. I was shaking, worrying about the guard with Fowler, now stunned into inaction by the knowledge that John was out there likely looking for them. I peeked my head out and John was nowhere. I was torn between staying with Annie, who was falling to pieces, and going to find John.

"Don't leave me!" Annie shouted. I went to her and put my arm around her. John would tell me to stay here if he could, damn him. I was so angry I could've choked him.

### Suddenly John peeked his head in. "Fowler has left the building... he's gotten away. The guard is dead," he said, a look of horror on his face.

### There were police stationed outside of Dad and Janice's house as well as inside and outside of our apartment. We felt like Madison may be safer if she stayed with Dad where there was an alarm system, and also felt that if he was coming, he'd come here.

### I'd been on the phone all evening with Ronnie and other friends and family who'd seen the news reports. I finally stopped answering and let the machine take the calls.

### I'd just made a fresh pot of coffee when the phone rang and the machine answered. I heard Jackson Fowler's voice and dropped the mug I had in my hand, gasping. John and Caldwell ran over to the phone. He'd kept it short and to the point. "I didn't love her, Adi. Please forgive me. See you soon," and he hung up.

### They had tapped the phone and were able to trace it back as far as Del City, but couldn't narrow it down any further due to the brevity of the call.

### Caldwell's radio kept squawking, and he'd say a few words into it.

"John, I need to be with Madison. I can't stand this." I went to him and he held me tight, worry etched on his face.

"She's safer with Jake and Janice for now. I've made sure she is extremely well looked after. That place is a fortress tonight," he reassured me.

"I can't believe this is happening. I thought it was all behind us."

"I know, babe, I know," he said, kissing the top of my head.

### Not much else happened until about three a.m., we were all dozing, wondering if we'd get a wink of sleep. Caldwell was dozing in a chair parked right in front of the door, John and I were on the sofa, huddled together, TJ on John's lap, purring as though all was as it should be.

### Some small noise or movement made Caldwell and TJ sit up at attention at the same moment.

### John jerked up, looking over at Caldwell, who was on his radio trying to get the men outside to answer.

### No answer.

### Caldwell stood up and drew his gun and ordered us to stay inside and stay down. TJ fled for safer quarters under the sink, having figured out how to completely open the kitchen cabinets.

### Caldwell opened the door carefully while calling the station on his radio for back up. "It's possible we have officers down here, I can't raise anyone on the radio," he was telling dispatch.

### Suddenly we saw his gun go flying out of his hand as a body flung into Caldwell, knocking him backwards. I instantly recognized the athletic build and the long hair of Fowler's. They were wrestling around, throwing punches; Fowler was trying to reach the gun that had landed several feet away.

### John grabbed me and hurled me over the sofa. I landed with a thud.

### I heard him running toward the gun and began praying with all my might. I crawled to the end of the sofa and peeked around just as John reached the gun. Fowler was pounding Caldwell's face, blow after blow; he was like a man possessed.

### John grabbed the gun, pointed at Jackson's head, then moved it down to his shoulder and pulled the trigger.

### Once the ambulances had taken Jackson, Caldwell and the two others who'd been parked outside of the house away, I stood staring at the blood-stain on the carpet. I couldn't help but wonder if that meant we'd never get our deposit back. One thing was for sure... we were moving.

### The police had thanked John profusely for saving Matt Caldwell's life. Fowler had somehow managed to knock both of the officers out front unconscious. They would live to testify against Fowler if it came to that, but his lawyer was anxious to plead him out and avoid a trial.

### Ronnie racked up more frequent flyer miles and flew out the next morning, saying she'd help us find a new place and stay until we were moved in. She fussed over Madison as if she were her own, and scarcely let me feed or hold her. Ronnie was in town for my twenty-third birthday, busy as it was.

### We'd finally found a house to rent in Oklahoma City. It was about 2,000 square feet, larger than any other place we'd had; about the same size of Dad's, but a little older. The owner offered us a lease-purchase agreement and we jumped on it. The location was perfectly situated where we could get to anything we needed, the school districts were great and we'd still be relatively close to my family and John's. There were three bedrooms, so we could have the spare (for Ronnie and David when they came) and Madison could have her own room.

### Madison (or Madi as we all began to call her) was getting cuter by the day and was a joy to be around. Her smile could lighten my mood, no matter what else was going on.

### That same month (August) John got another raise and promotion and was second in command in the lab. I had begun to think about having to leave Madi in day care, and it killed me. John told me there was no rush, we were fine.

### Once again I said goodbye to Ronnie, promising that one day we'd all load up and go to her house, but she said she didn't mind coming here; it was coming home, and she knew it was way easier for her to travel than for all of us to.

### Fall came. The leaves changed and we began to establish a routine again. Jackson Fowler had recovered enough to be moved out of the hospital and into the prison that would be his new home for many years to come. The officers that had been attacked, it seemed, had been drugged; Valium was found in their coffee cups. They'd been sound asleep when Fowler hit them with the same bat he'd used on John. Fowler was continuing to tell anyone who'd listen that he had only been going to claim his love and take her (me) away with him. I shuddered every time I thought of it, so grateful that his plans had been thwarted.

### John was my hero. He had been even before that night, but I was so proud of how he saved the day. He had shared with me that he really wanted to blow Fowler's brains out, but at the last second remembered I was in the room and just couldn't intentionally kill someone with me there to witness it.

### John had taken some vacation time and was rested up and ready to get back to his grueling schedule. TJ seemed to have fully recovered from the episode, back to his playful self. He was a tough cat and was enjoying exploring his new surroundings, figuring out all the new cabinet doors.

### Officer Caldwell and his two fellow officers had healed up and were back to work protecting and serving with fervor.

### Time went along, blissfully peaceful; no new tragedies occurred as Madi grew bigger every week. The holidays came and went, 1998 was ushered in and Ronnie had her twenty-fourth birthday. In April John turned twenty-four. Before we knew it, Madi was crawling and pulling up on things, then taking her first tentative steps. I had moved some items out of her grasp, but spent a lot of time following her around, teaching her which things were okay to touch, and which were not. Petting TJ gently was perfectly acceptable, yanking his tail was not. Smelling Mommy's flowers was okay, pulling all of Daddy's cassettes, albums and CD's off the shelf was not.

### She continued to be showered with love and attention from Aunt Ronnie and Uncle David and Grams and Grandpa. The child lacked for nothing.

### I was doing dishes during Madi's nap time one afternoon, just before Madi's first birthday, when the phone rang. It was David.

"David, how are you?" I hadn't spoken to him in quite a while.

"I'm... hanging on, Adi. Got a minute to talk?"

"Sure," I said, and settled at the kitchen table. "What's up?"

"Ronnie said she'd talked to you about the trouble we'd had... before," he said tentatively. I "uh-huhed" a response. "She's having a hard time again. I really think she has a chemical imbalance or something. She's fine one week, and the next she's irritable, unhappy. She's started going out at night with friends a lot. She's been drinking, Ads."

"Oh, no," I said, rubbing my forehead. Would Ronnie ever be happy, I thought. "Is she there now?" I asked.

"No, she did call and say she stayed at Tina's last night. I'm on my lunch break, sitting in a café. Then I found a phone and just had to call you. I hate to bother you, but knew you'd want to know," he said, sadness evident in his voice.

"I'm glad you called," I said. "I wonder if you could get her to go see a doctor? Just to check and see if there is anything physical going on?"

"I have asked her to; so far she hasn't wanted to. I think she doesn't want to admit that she may need help."

### I sighed. "See if you can get her to call me or come see me, anything. I don't know if I can help but maybe she'd talk to me at least."

"She's not really talking to me, that's for sure. Short one-word answers. I think she may be depressed. Actually she probably has been for a while. Sometimes I wonder if we should've ever moved out here." David sounded so hopeless. I wondered if he was depressed, too. How did this happen to such wonderful people, couples who were so much in love, so bright and alive?

"Anyway, I guess I just wanted to talk to someone who knows her and loves her like I do. I'm at the end of my rope here, Ads. I don't wanna live like this forever," he said. "I'll call again soon, or get her to call you. Love you guys," he said, and hung up.

### My heart went out to David. I didn't know what to do for him or for Ronnie. If she could just find peace with herself, I knew she'd be okay. As long as I'd known her, she'd had such a melancholy side; a tendency toward depression and self-doubt. I'd always wanted to "fix" her, but in reality, could only love her and encourage her. When I thought about it, I blamed Claire. I just couldn't help but want to hunt her down and choke some sense into her. How different might Ronnie be today of she'd had the love of her mother?

### Sure, my mother had died, but Dad had done such a great job of filling a lot of the gaps. He sort of became both mom and dad to me. I felt a hole there, I knew I had missed out on something wonderful and special, but it hadn't destroyed me. With Ronnie, I wasn't so sure. At least what memories I had of my mother were memories of comfort, laughter and love. Who would I be without the loving foundation I'd gotten? I shuddered to think.

### Next morning, the phone rang and it was Ronnie. It was only six a.m. so I was surprised when I picked up the phone.

"Ads! My mom is here! Claire is here!" She sounded –oddly enough--happy about it And a little drunk.

"Ronnie are you drunk? It's six in the morning for crying out loud." I heard Madi stir and whine. The phone had likely woken her up. John was in the shower. I sat up and tried to wake myself up enough to deal with all of this.

"Aw, don't be like that. I wanted you to share in this moment. Mom and I have partied together all night. She's a real animal," Ronnie said, then laughed and snorted.

### I couldn't believe this. "Ronnie, your mom is there and you've just partied together all night? Did she take anything, smoke anything? Did you?" I was furious with her.

"Yeah. She's my new best pal, my bosom buddy. We're going to breakfast then back to Mom's apartment... bye!" There was rustling and banging then, "Oh, call David and tell him I love him and I'll be home... whenever I get there." She laughed and hung up before I could respond. What a way to start my day. Sheesh.

### Madi cried and I went to her. Then I called and left a message for David.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER SIXTEEN

### I was so outraged at Ronnie's behavior. I was totally stressed out. Madi had caught a stomach bug somehow and was not keeping anything down. Janice came over to help out and told me I should go and try to catch a few winks while she rocked and soothed Madi. I'd been up all night, so I took her up on it.

### I lay there thinking about Ronnie and what was to become of her. I had John and Madi to worry about; I couldn't just drop everything and run out and rescue her and wasn't even sure if it was the right thing to do. Was I being an enabler? I fell off into a fitful sleep and dreamed of Ronnie's face... laughing one moment, crying the next.

### John woke me up with a kiss. He pushed the hair off of my face and snuggled up to me, nuzzling my neck. I breathed him in. I loved the smell of him; musk, sweat, deodorant, John. I pulled him down onto the bed next to me and we snuggled up and spooned for a few minutes, saying nothing. Before I even realized it myself, I'd started crying. John noticed.

"Hey," he raised up on an elbow, "what's all this? Bad day?"

### I hiccupped around and tried to stop myself so I could answer him, wiping my face with the sheet. "I'm tired, and I'm worried about Ronnie. Madi is sick..." John rubbed my arm. "Plus I just had some disturbing dreams. So much has happened this year... good and bad," I said.

"Yeah, it's been crazy. Why don't you go take a bubble bath while I check on Janice and Madi, and throw together some dinner."

"I love you," I said, then began to bawl in earnest while he held me.

### I did feel a little better after a bath. I'd taken time to really soak, to meditate, to think about life and even to question God. I knew that pain was a part of life; I knew that death was part of life; I knew that we all did the best we could with what we had. I believed that every created thing had a Creator but I hadn't spent a lot of time on spiritual things. I'd always believed that each of us is on a journey, a spiritual journey as well as a physical one. I wondered why innocent children died in senseless bombings, why evil seemed to be allowed to run rampant in our world. I thought about those like Jackson and Annie, about hurting people who hurt people... what a cycle. I said a special prayer for Ronnie to find her way.

### When I got out I smelled some wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. I dressed quickly. M-m-m, Janice's meatloaf. Sometimes these little things could bring tremendous comfort.

### I came into the kitchen and found Madi smiling and happy in her high chair, banging a stuffed dog up and down, with TJ watching at her feet. I think he wanted her to drop it so he could bat it around and maybe eat it.

### John was setting the table.

"Hey, sweetie," Janice said. "Did you have a good bath?"

"Yes, thanks." I hugged her. "Everything smells wonderful. You're a peach," I told her. John walked by and winked at me on his way get silverware for the table.

"Jake's coming; I hope that's okay. I told him I was making meatloaf and he insisted." She smiled.

"Absolutely, but what are you guys having?" I joked, eyeballing the meatloaf as it passed by under my nose. I'd really been trying to watch my eating these days, remembering I was no longer eating for two, but meatloaf was below the belt. I'd lost all of my baby weight except for three pounds, but I could fit into most of my pre-pregnancy clothes.

### Over dinner we discussed Ronnie and the bad road she seemed to be heading down.

"I just wish she was here where we could all hang out with her and keep an eye on her," Dad said.

"Exactly," I agreed, sopping up gravy with a roll, feeling guilty all the while.

"How about pie?" Janice asked, and I wanted to smack her.

### After Dad and Janice left and John was reading a story to Madi, I went into the bedroom to call Ronnie, or David or whomever I could reach.

### David answered, "Hello?"

"It's me, David," I said. "How is she?"

### He sighed heavily. "Hanging in. Claire breezed through, I guess you heard about that. Her visits are always whirlwind, and always end badly," he said.

"What happened?" I asked, plopping down on the bed.

"Claire showed up, acting all motherly and needy and Ronnie went right to her, hugging and crying... it was pitiful to watch. I knew what was coming later," he blew out a breath.

"And?"

"And, they went out drinking together – all night. Ronnie found out Claire was staying in a little apartment here in town, so they crashed there after. A rat hole. All she could afford. Ronnie came home the next day all hung over. Since then she's tried to reach Claire with no luck. She's gone again."

"I'm so sorry, David. I know this is hard on you, on your marriage," I said, trying to sound sympathetic.

"If I didn't love her so much, I'd have left long ago. I just can't be another person in her life that leaves her. I'm not there yet, anyway."

"What does she say? Is she okay now?"

"Right now she's asleep. She sleeps a lot when she's depressed. She seems better on the days she works... keeps her mind focused I guess."

"What can we do? Should you get her counseling... something?" I asked.

"She won't go, Ads. I've tried. I even did a lot of research to find someone I thought she'd like, and she won't go. I suggested AA meetings and she went through the roof."

"Sounds like you're doing everything you can. If you need to, send her out here. Maybe she'd get a little better. She seems to do well when she's here with us..." I started.

"Great, more guilt for tearing her away from you guys," David mumbled.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

"I know, I'm sorry. Sensitive subject."

### We said our goodbyes after I asked David to have Ronnie call me soon.

I went into Madi's room and stopped and watched my hubby with our daughter. My heart was so full. This... this was what I always wanted. We still didn't have a lot of money, but we got by fine. No amount of money could make up for this, could replace this. I wished the same for Ronnie, while at the same time understanding that her path was very different than mine.

### The next week she showed up on my doorstep, bags, steamer trunks and all; totally out of the blue, no call, nothing. Impetuous Ronnie. I opened the door and there she was. I screamed in delight and threw my arms around her. I helped her drag her stuff in. TJ inspected all the baggage then crawled up inside Ronnie's over-sized travel bag and parked on top of a paperback book.

### Madi squealed in delight as Ronnie blew raspberries on her tummy and her neck. Soon it was nap time, so we put her down and backed out of her room, leaving the door opened just a crack.

### We sat at the table and had coffee. She was truly a beautiful woman, her looks having fully matured. I couldn't help but look at her and feel my heart ache though, knowing that her beauty could easily mask what was going on inside.

"I heard about Claire... do you even remember calling me that morning?" I asked, peering over the top of my mug.

"Um, yeah. About that. Sorry. I was a little wasted. I had no idea what time it was, I just thought about you so I called you."

"Are you okay now? You um, brought a LOT of luggage with you."

"Yeah, I wasn't sure how long I would be staying. David... he's so good and patient. He's too good for me, Ads."

"Stop saying stuff like that. He loves you, that's all. He loves you," I said, trying to read her mind and thoughts.

"Adi, I never really had anyone – outside of you and Jake that is – who ever cared where I was, when I came home, what I did. I've felt independent to a degree my whole life. Being married is a huge adjustment for me." She grabbed the pot and poured herself more coffee. "I don't like someone hovering over me, expecting me home at a certain time, whatever. It tends to push me in the opposite direction. I know it's not right, but I can't seem to help it."

### I grabbed her hand and smiled, trying to be understanding. We'd always been so different personality-wise. I loved being home, preferred it to anywhere else on the planet. I didn't understand the desire to be out all night and carousing around. She had a wonderful husband who loved her, and she just could not be happy.

"Have you thought anymore about opening your own dress shop?" I asked, changing the subject.

"That means I have to be all grown up and responsible. In case you haven't noticed, I'm not real good at that." She grinned.

"So... how long will you be staying?" I asked quietly.

### She got a hurt look on her face, went on the defensive. "Why? I'm not welcome anymore?"

"Of course you are, you know that. My house is always your house, but... I guess I worry about David... your marriage." I felt like our discussion was on shaky ground.

"Sometimes I think," she sipped her coffee, "that you worry more about him then me." She pouted.

"I worry about both of you! You're a couple, and I guess I kind of see you that way. It'd be different if he fooled around on you or even if you just didn't love him. You're not treating him very well, Ron," I said as gently as I could. "I'm just sayin'," I said, shrugging a little.

"Like I said," she said, slamming her mug into the kitchen sink. "He's too good for me." She stormed out of the room.

I blew out a big breath. That went well, I thought.

### Later that night, Ronnie sat in the floor with Madi and TJ, playing with them both and acting as referee when things got rowdy.

### John and I sat on the sofa, sipping glasses of wine and watching, amused.

### Ronnie had little stuffed animals in each hand and had given them names, voices and back stories. She was talking to TJ and Madi with them. It was quite hilarious. They both kind of looked up at us as if to ask if the crazy lady had taken her meds today.

### Soon it was time for Madi to turn in, so John took her into her room for her nightly bedtime story and snuggle with Daddy.

### Ronnie sat up next to me on the sofa and laid her head on my shoulder. "You sure have the life, dontcha?" she asked.

"Well, when my husband and friends aren't being stalked by crazy people, I have a pretty darned good life, actually." I put an arm around her.

"Why are you and I so different? Why have you been able to find happiness and I haven't?" she asked wistfully.

"You're a tortured, restless soul, my friend," I joked, or at least partially. We both knew there was some truth there.

### She laughed, then got up and went to do up the few dishes that were in the sink.

### I realized I still hadn't gotten a straight answer from her about how long she planned to stay.

### The next morning I heard Ronnie's cell ring. She answered. It was apparently David, checking in on her. As much as I was tempted, I didn't stand outside the door and listen. I went on in to Madi's room and found her standing up smiling in the crib. I changed her and hauled her laughing into the kitchen for a nibble.

### TJ thumped the cabinet door.

"You can get in there yourself, booger. Why don't you just figure out how to pour it out of the bag and save me the trouble?" I asked him. He shot me a look. I always got the feeling he understood everything I said.

### Ronnie walked in, a scowl on her face, and went straight to the coffee pot, found it empty and starting making some.

"Good morning, sunshine. Thanks for doing that, I hadn't gotten the chance yet," I said.

"Um." She mumbled.

### Okay then.

### We sat saying nothing, Madi cooing in the background, babbling, something about Dada. The pot finished gurgling and we both pounced on it at once. I let her go first; she seemed to need it the most.

### After a couple sips I said, "You okay?"

"Yeah. David says he wants me to come home... within the week."

### I waited a few beats for her to elaborate. She didn't. "And?" I finally said.

"You are always on his side," she said accusingly.

"Ronnie, I have only ever been on YOUR side! I want what is best for YOU. I don't understand... are you saying you don't want David?" I was losing my temper quickly.

### She clenched her teeth, trying to remain calm. "I'm saying, I'm not sure WHAT I want, unlike little Miss Plan My Whole Life Out!"

### Ouch. "What is the matter with you? Just tell me, tell me right now. Do you want to be married or not?" I slammed my mug down a little too hard and coffee sloshed out. I was trying not to upset the baby. She'd already started looking at me funny. Tears would be next.

### Ronnie was obviously trying to keep things calm and G-rated too, but it was costing her. Her jaw tightened. "If I have to answer right now? No, I don't."

### I put my mug on the counter and grabbed Ronnie, pulling her from the kitchen to the dining area. I whispered loudly, "You don't want to be married. That's it, isn't it? Why not? Don't you love David anymore?"

### She jerked her arm away from me. "Of course I love him, that's beside the point."

### My face must've registered my shock. My mouth hung open. "H-How is that beside the point?? It's exactly the point!"

"I'm not you, Ads. I need more from life than just a husband to make me happy. I need... I need..." she looked around.

"That's it, in a nutshell. You NEED!" I shouted at her. I was immediately sorry. She stormed off into her room and slammed the door. Madi started screaming. I went and grabbed her, trying to calm her and myself down at the same time.

### I bathed and dressed Madi and sat her in her portable play-pen and went in search of Ronnie. Maybe she'd cooled off. I couldn't find her anywhere. Obviously she'd slipped out when I was elbow deep in bath suds and baby. That was hardly playing fair.

### I called her cell about five times, then gave up. She obviously was still mad and wasn't going to talk to me. That woman had me at my wit's end.

### I played with Madi for a while, then fed her lunch. That was followed by naptime. Once she was down for the count, I went and grabbed my sketch pad and pencils and flopped onto the sofa. I drew Ronnie, and David and John and Madi, then even TJ. He seemed to be standing on the windowsill posing. He'd grown into a beautiful short-haired gray cat. He had amazing blue eyes. As pets go, he had grown on me. Fiercely independent, didn't like to be told what to do. I should have named him Ronnie Junior instead of TJ.

### Soon Madi woke up. Time for the afternoon routine. A little toddler aerobics (meaning I chase Madi all over the house), try and get a few loads of laundry done and at least start thinking about supper.

### Still no word from Ronnie.

### John came home around five and gave me a smooch. Madi cried out "Dada-dada-dada," until John took her in his arms. "Where's Ronnie?" he asked, looking around.

"No idea," I answered and gave him a knowing look.

"Mind if I go for a quick run before my shower?" he asked.

"Nope, go ahead. Let me distract the little one." I took Madi and sat her next to TJ and looked at him expectantly. He really wasn't good at entertaining on demand. John slipped out quietly.

### He got back, showered and followed his nose to the dinner table where I'd thrown together a salad with some leftover chicken chopped up in it. He had smelled the wheat rolls I'd just pulled out of the oven.

### Supper and dishes over, still no Ronnie. I tried not to think about it. She didn't want anyone keeping tabs on her. I was sure she was fine.

By bed time I was nauseous, picturing her out there drinking, getting into God knew what. Why did I care? If this is what she insisted on doing with her life, why did it matter so much to me? I guess because I knew she was miserable. I fell asleep thinking Just love her, Ads.

### I didn't hear from her the next day or the next. I tried her cell several times. I called David and told him. He hung up the phone completely exasperated. He assumed she was just doing her thing; probably ran into Claire and went drinking. Finally I called my old pal Matt Caldwell at the police station and asked about filing a missing person's report.

### I went into the station, meeting Caldwell there. He walked me through the process. I left a couple of photos with him. He said he'd issue a BOLO (be on the look out) for her, but seemed to think what everyone else thought. She was just out there somewhere, partying with God knew who, and she'd come back when she was ready. Part of me believed it too, but after this long, I would've thought she'd have at least called.

### I went into her room, looking for any clue as to where she may have gone. Her purse was gone, but I found her cell on the night stand on silent.

### Two days later I was watching the news. It was July 25. I had just put Madi down for a nap and grabbed myself a glass of water. The police had found the body of a woman in Draper Lake. At the same moment I saw the news, my phone rang. It was Caldwell. My heart fell into my feet. He'd just met John at the morgue where he'd had John make the official identification of Ronnie. John flew home to me.

### He stood in the kitchen, I saw him there, his mouth was moving... I couldn't hear what he was saying. Scratch that, I couldn't understand what he was saying. I wouldn't understand. Blood alcohol level off the charts... seen at a club... I couldn't, I wouldn't hear this.

"No, John, don't," I finally choked out. I put my arm out in front of me as if to ward off the blow.

### He grabbed both my arms and looked me in the face. I searched his face. What was he telling me? Why?

"Ads listen to me," he said. He let go, he went to get me a chair.

### I banged my knee pretty hard when I fell. The pain was nothing compared to what I felt inside. I sat in the puddle of water; water that came from the glass I dropped moments before. I made fists and shoved them into my thighs harder and harder; anything to ease the pain in my chest. A guttural cry came through clenched teeth. It was the cry of a wounded animal. It was the sound of heartache, loss, of ripping metal. Tears flowed freely now. I tried to get my breath but couldn't. I tried to stand, but fell back onto the floor and collapsed again.

### How could this have happened? She'd been like a sister to me for over fifteen years. This just wasn't happening. It couldn't be true. My Ronnie, she couldn't be gone.

### John lifted me like a child and laid me down on the sofa then called Jake and Janice. They were on their way. Madi was crying in her room.

### It was her, he told me. It was her. He held me while I cried and screamed.

### After a few minutes, Jake and Janice were ringing the bell. He let them in. They rushed over to me.

"Janice, the baby..." John said, and Janice ran to her.

### Dad came to me and took me in his arms. I wailed again and cried until I couldn't cry anymore.

### I was in bed for three days. David came. I couldn't handle his grief, I couldn't handle my own.

### John, Dad, Janice and John's family practically lived at our house that week. They handled everything, and that was good because I couldn't handle anything. I couldn't hold the baby, I couldn't eat, barely slept.

### No one seemed to be able to find a good phone number for Claire, so I couldn't help but think that she'd pop up on my doorstep again one day, demanding to see Ronnie. That's how she'd find out.

Everyone else planned the memorial service. They tried to consult me and I just stared blankly and wouldn't talk. I couldn't talk.

### The day of the service, John got a Valium from my doctor for me, and made me take it. He dressed me with Janice's help. They practically carried me to the car. John's sister Kelly stayed at the house with Madi.

### I really didn't want to go, but John insisted, saying I'd regret it later if I didn't. I wanted to keep her alive in my memory. I didn't want to be faced with her death, I didn't want to be around others who were facing her death. I didn't want to wear black. She would've hated that. Janice was a wise woman; she picked out a blue dress that Ronnie had bought me.

### I leaned on John during the entire service, more than half out of it; he kept his arm around me so I wouldn't fall out of the pew. David sat on the other side of me, tears streaming down his face. His parents sat on the other side of him.

### Afterwards we ate cold chicken and casseroles back at Jake and Janice's and person after person came by and hugged me and patted me and voiced their sympathies. It was all a blur. Finally I tugged on John's arm until he got me out of there.

### Back at the house I heard Caldwell, Dad and John discussing what had happened. The official cause of death was drowning. Someone had come forward to say they had seen her at a country and western club that night, the first night she was gone, dancing and drinking heavily. One witness, a bartender, said she remembered Ronnie having left that night with two men of general description: Medium height, medium weight, mid-twenties. So far no-one knew who these men were. Caldwell was still investigating. Because of our history together, he'd wanted to be involved when he heard.

### No leads. No suspects. And my Ronnie was just... gone.

### ~~~~

### CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

### Time had a way of healing all sorts of wounds. A month later, I began to eat more regularly and carry on actual conversations with other humans. I'd begun taking care of Madi again – weeks before, but more out of necessity than anything... Now I began to enjoy her again. If she'd noticed me behaving badly, she didn't hold it against me.

### TJ had instinctively known I was hurting and curled up in my lap every day and slept by me every night. He was a great source of comfort to me.

### John had begun to worry less about me; he'd taken a couple weeks off of vacation time when Ronnie died, then had gone back half time, worried to death to leave me alone for very long. Now things were getting back to normal.

### I started making time to sketch more, remembering how Ronnie had encouraged me to; doing several sketches of her from memory. They were some of my best work. John had taken a few of my sketches to a shop at Bricktown. The Bricktown Canal was one of Oklahoma City's most popular tourist destinations, having been loosely modeled after San Antonio's River Walk. There was a beautiful manmade canal that ran through the historic Bricktown district in the city. A souvenir shop took them on consignment and seemed interested in more.

### I went weekly to Ronnie's grave site and talked with her, just like we used to, as if she heard every word. I took Madi with me. I wondered if Madi would remember Ronnie as she got older, and vowed to show her pictures often and remind her about her crazy, loving, wild Aunt Ronnie. Every time I got ready to leave the cemetery, I'd touch her gravestone and whisper the words, "Sisters Forever," hoping upon hope, that she could and would hear me.

### I knew David would continue to be a part of Madi's life; of our lives. He'd looked so devastated when he left for the airport. I hoped he'd be able to heal and remember the best parts of Ronnie, as I always tried to do.

### I often pictured her up in heaven, giving St. Peter a hard time, arm-wrestling with the angels, discoursing with Jesus himself perhaps, asking him a thousand questions. The image made me smile.

### Ronnie had sorted out a will at least. David's influence in her life, no doubt. She'd left her estate in three equal parts: to David, to me and to Madi. It was close to a million total. When she'd turned twenty-one she had come into a family trust in her name, and had never mentioned it to me. Of course, up until that time, Sam had set her up an account that always had funds in it anyway, so she never thought about money. At twenty-one she'd certainly had more than she knew what to do with.

### She had asked in her will, that Sam considered leaving his money to me, too, if he never re-married and she was deceased at the time of his passing. She stated in plain language that Jake, Janice, John, Madi and I were her true family. When I found this all out, I cried again at her generosity.

### ~~~~

### Epilogue

### It was the year 2000, the new millennium. John, Madi and I had just come home from a day at Bricktown. We'd bowled, rode the boats and had dinner at a Mexican place facing the canal.

### Madi was three and had long curly hair the same color as her daddy's. I told John I had some news for him as we plopped onto the sofa.

"What's up, babe?" He kissed me gently, the spark as powerful as it had always been. He was in med-school full time now, thanks to Ronnie.

"Well," I said, grinning. "Madi asked me today if she could have a little brother or sister for her birthday next year. I told her Yes."

"So you're saying you want to try..." suddenly he turned and looked at me and saw the sparkle in my eye. "Adi... are you? Are we?" I nodded.

### He jumped up and shouted, "Yes!"

### The next week, I was on the cell with Annie, checking in on her when the doorbell rang. I went to answer it and my mouth dropped open.

"Annie I'll call ya back," I said. I calmly sat my cell phone down, then turned and very serenely hauled back and punched Claire Stanford in the mouth. It felt good.

### ~~~~

### Acknowledgements

I would be remiss if I didn't thank a few people in my life profusely here. Bill my husband, webmaster and assistant extraordinaire is first on that list. He is the man. Next comes Laura Marshall. Laura is an extraordinary editor and writer in her own right. She edits for me and does a phenomenal job of it. Any mistakes included herein are my own and not hers. She tries and often I listen. Probably if I choose to go against her advice—I shoot myself in the foot. Laura inspires and encourages me almost daily. Another great friend and cold-reader/editor is Jamie. (Laura, Jamie and I used to have our own book club together!) Jamie is great at making suggestions that make my books make more sense to the reader. She also pumps me up when I am down and keeps me going. She too can write like a house afire. These gals are the cream of the crop in my book... in all of my books. My grown children inspire me daily (not only because their lives are sometimes mini-soap-operas) but also because of their humor and the love and grace with which they live their lives. They are: Shaun Chauta, Matt Chauta and Megan Swyers. Yes I am biased but they are the greatest young people in the world. They give me hope for the next generation. My father Fred Buck's sense of humor and my mother Rose Buck's cold reading and edits and advice are invaluable. I grew up with Ozzie and Harriet and I love them so. My niece Tina Althoff is also subjected to my rough drafts... happy reading Tina! I love you, girl! Tina does some occasional on-line research for me. Jamie's husband, Phil, gave me some valuable insight into the Waco, Texas incident and the relationship between this incident and the Oklahoma bombing mentioned in this book. He gave me way more than I ended up using. He is a fount of information. Thank you, Phil!

Gratus ut Deus

