
English: 
Assassin's Creed Odyssey is big. Real big.
See the distance between this statue's gentleman region and that town over there? That distance only covers from here to here on a map
that's larger than your mom after a Gregg's lock-in.
Walking it would take days, which is probably why all the boats seem to travel about 100 miles per hour despite being made of balsa wood...
...and...horse.
The game is set 400 years before the birth of that barn baby everybody loves so much,
and this time around, there's a full-on RPG!
Your character, Kassandra, unless you're boring enough to pick
whatever the fuck the bloke was called,
is a bisexual, mercenary...goat proctologist...who spends all her free time spartan kicking anything that moves off of anything that doesn't.
...I love her...she'd probably eat me.
Combat has been seriously improved from the counter-fest of previous games. It is now heavily
level driven with a nice mix of piddly weak enemies, folks on equal footing to you, and relentless murder bastard
Terminators that have been half inched (pinched/stolen) from Shadow Of Mordor's Nemesis system.
Clearing out

English: 
Assassin's Creed Odyssey is
Big!
Real Big!
See in the distance between
this statue's gentleman's region
and that town over there.
That distance only covers from here
to here
on a map that's larger than your mum
after a Greggs lock-in.
Walking it would take days,
which is probably why all the boats
seem to travel at about 100 miles per hour
despite being made of balsa wood
and...
horse.
The game is set 400 years before
the birth of that barn baby everybody loves so much
and this time around is a
full on RPG.
Your character,
Kassandra
(unless you were boring enough to pick
whatever the fuck the bloke was called)
is a bisexual, mercenary
goat proctologist.
Who spends all her free time
Spartan kicking anything that moves
off of anything that doesn't
I love her.
She'd probably eat me.
*ahem*
Combat has been seriously improved
from the counter-fest of previous games,
it is now heavily level driven
with a nice mix of
piddly weak enemies,
folks on equal footing to you
and relentless murder bastard terminators
that have been half-inched from Shadow of Mordor's
Nemesis system.
Clearing out a fort is genuinely

English: 
a fort is genuinely tricky this time around, but that...
...might just be because I'm about to stealthy as a shopping trolley falling down a lift shaft.
Over on the big blue wet thing, Black Flag style boat naughtiness returns, this time wildly enhanced,
thanks to the ability to leap off your boat and stab a shark in the mush!
There's treasure to dive for, storms to battle against, friendly trade vessels to literally rip in half for a few dented coins.
Sure, it's murder but I really do need to buy this item that turns my Horse into a unicorn.
They'll understand when they're older, if they weren't dead.
Downside time.
This game is to
microtransactions what your mum is to a hot sausage roll.
If you're looking to blow hundreds of hours completing every single side quest, then you'll likely never see them,
but if you have any form of a life..
...then they'll uncomfortably rub up against you at some point like you were trying to squeeze past them on a bus.
It's a shame because Assassin's Creed Odyssey is
genuinely excellent, utterly gorgeous and about as fun as climbing up a massive stone penis for no reason other than to giggle!
Goodbye.

English: 
tricky this time around.
But, that might just be
because I'm about as stealthy
as a shopping trolley falling down a lift shaft.
Over on the big blue wet thing,
Black Flag style, boat naughtiness returns
this time wildly enhanced thanks to the
ability to leap off your boat
and stab a shark in the mush.
There's treasure to dive for,
storms to battle against,
friendly trade vessels to literally rip in half
for a few dented coins.
Sure, it's murder but I really do
need to buy this item
that turns my horse into a unicorn.
They'll...
understand when they're older.
If they weren't dead.
Downside time,
this game is to microtransactions
what your mum is to a hot sausage roll.
If you're looking to blow hundreds of hours
completing every single side quest
then you'll likely never see them.
But, if you have...
any
form of a life
then they'll uncomfortably rub up against you
at some point like
you were trying to squeeze past them on a bus.
It's a shame because Assassin's Creed Odyssey is
genuinely excellent,
utterly gorgeous,
and about as fun as climbing up a
massive stone penis for no reason
other than to giggle.
Goodbye.
