 
Leave & Cleave

by

Rebekah Prewitt

Copyright 2014 by Billy and Rebekah Prewitt, revised 2018

All rights reserved. The use of short quotations or occasional page copying for personal or group study is permitted and encouraged. Other permissions will likely be granted upon request.

Unless noted, all Scripture references are taken from the Holy Bible, King James Version.

Please discover these other titles by Billy and Rebekah Prewitt:

Premarital Preparation Course by Rebekah Prewitt visit www.LakeCityCounsel.com

The Proper Role of the Wife: An Academic Study by Rebekah Prewitt

Real Life by Rebekah Prewitt

Evidence for Speaking in Tongues: Fanning the Flames of Revival by Billy Prewitt

Eternal Security: What if John Calvin Was Wrong? by Billy Prewitt

The Baptism in the Holy Spirit by Billy Prewitt

Help! I Am a Teacher! by Billy Prewitt

Dedication

To the only wise God our Saviour, be

glory and majesty, dominion and power,

both now and ever. Amen.

Table of Contents

Introduction

PART I: LEAVING

Chapter 1 – The Command

Chapter 2 – Relocation

Chapter 3 – A Matter of the Heart

Chapter 4 – Reaction of Parents

Chapter 5 – What About the 5th Commandment?

Chapter 6 – Relinquishing Friendship Ties

PART II: CLEAVING

Chapter 7 – Love

Chapter 8 – Reverencing

Chapter 9 – Obedient

Chapter 10 – Chaste

Chapter 11 – Adornment

Chapter 12 – Meek and Quiet Spirit

Chapter 13 – Discreet

Chapter 14 – Help Meet

Chapter 15 – Who Is the Head?

Chapter 16 – Submit

Conclusion

Notes

About the Author

Connect With Rebekah

Introduction

Dear Reader,

Thank you for taking the time to read this book. The truths that you are about to read are truths that I wish some woman had shared with me years ago. Had someone done so, and had I received these truths, I might have been spared a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache. Unnecessary pain and heartache is what I am hoping to spare you if you are willing to receive it. While I am not at all claiming to have this role pegged, there are some basic fundamentals that every wife needs to have in place if she is going to have a happy home. I am hoping to unravel these truths in the chapters you are about to read.

As a wife, I must admit, I thought I knew my role. Boy, was I wrong! I only knew what I saw demonstrated around me and assumed that this was how I also must behave. It never occurred to me that some of the fighting and upheaval I was experiencing in my marriage, such as feeling torn between my husband and my family, were simply a direct result of my lack of understanding concerning my role. Needless to say, I began to learn that there was a better way. What I needed was a good foundation. As this foundation began to take shape, I was quite surprised when I noticed how much more peace and happiness I experienced because I started putting into practice the truths that I am about to share with you.

Perhaps you may be reading this book right now thinking, There is just no hope! Marriage is too hard, or I don't want to be a wife anymore. I will not tell you that if you read this book, I will show you how easy marriage is. That would be delusional! There are disappointments, insecurities, in-law issues, flirtatious women, and many other problems, but whether you are a newly-wed or have been married for many years, you can overcome all of these challenges if the right foundational anchors are in place. I only hope to show you how to lower those anchors.

Again, thank you for taking the time to read this book. May the Lord bless you as you set your mind, and spirit, and body to be the wife that God has called you to be.

Learning to obediently follow Him,

S. Rebekah Prewitt

Part I

Leaving

Before I met my husband, one of the things I occasionally did with my family and friends was play cards. Playing cards was not really a problem to me. My husband, however, did not grow up playing cards. One morning he decided to ask me to get rid of them. Needless to say, this threw me for a curve ball. "They're just cards," I reasoned—okay, I hollered. Then, I did what any good Christian wife would do—I went into the guest room, slammed the door shut, and proceeded to have my daily devotion. Boy, was I in for a surprise with what followed next. I grabbed the hymnal to sing a hymn. That's right, I was going to sing. The hymn of that day for me apparently was #42—Oh! To Be Like Thee. The hymn has five verses, but evidently, I needed to be hit with the first one right off the bat—

"O! to be like Thee, blessed Redeemer,

This is my constant longing and prayer;

Gladly I'll forfeit all of earth's treasures. . ."1

Gladly I'll forfeit all of earth's treasures—Oh no! Immediately, I was quickened by the Spirit—I can't even give up a pack of playing cards, but I am ready to sing, "I'll forfeit all of earth's treasures!" It is easy to sing a verse like this when I don't have to give up anything, but when I have to leave something behind. . .

Chapter 1

The Command

"Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh."

-Genesis 2:24

We live in a world that emphasizes spending time with the family so much that it would sound absurd to suggest carving the turkey without them. Slogans like "Home for the Holidays," topped with that warm and fuzzy feeling we sense as we walk through the stores, all push us to cling to our families. The idea of sticking close to the family has been ingrained in our psyche. Just the mention of separating ourselves from them can incite a blow to the person suggesting such a thing. In an effort, however, to keep up with the family and their traditions and obligations, we seem to be left with a vast number of husbands and wives at each other's throats, often inflicting deep wounds that are rapidly tearing them apart. If only it was as easy for us to sort this kind of matter out as it is for the deer.

Deer? That's right, deer. One day as I was reading the Bible, I came across an interesting passage in Job. The Lord says, "Have you watched as deer are born in the wild? Do you know how many months they carry their young? . . . Their young grow up in the open fields, then leave home and never return" (Job 39:1-4 NLT). This verse made a lasting impression on me. Even those in the animal kingdom know how to leave their parents. People, on the other hand, struggle to know what to do.

I don't know how God communicates with the animals. Maybe the deer instinctively know that they are to leave. We, however, should know clearly that we are to leave because the Lord spelled it out for us. He said, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). It is important to notice, also, that this command predates the Law of Moses. In addition, lest some conclude that this was an Old Testament command which needs to be abolished, Jesus also repeats it in the New Testament. He said, "But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife" (Mark 10:6-7). Seems simple enough, right? Yet we wrestle with Him to understand what He really means. Does He mean leave and never come back home like the deer? Does He mean just leave your parent's house? What does leave mean to Him? In the coming chapters, we will answer this question, but before we get there, let's examine this command a little deeper.

Not for Wives?

In observing this command, it is clear that it was given to the man. As soon as the man was married, he had to leave. The verse makes this plain. The groom had to be prepared to leave two very specific people: "father" and "mother." I find this interesting knowing that at the time this original command was given, there was no father or mother around. God always plans ahead. The man was to leave his parents immediately. You will also notice that there were no qualifiers attached to the command saying something like, If your parents treat you badly, leave, but if your parents treat you well, stay. For the man, there was no question, but what about the woman? Did she have to leave her parents once she got married?

As wives, we can sometimes get the idea that because the Bible states that "a man shall leave his father and his mother," that this was a directive only for the husband. While it is true that the man was the one specifically commanded to leave father and mother, the principle taught in the command is quite essential for wives to observe also. Before I attempt to bring out this Biblical principle, let me mention something that will help put this command in its proper perspective for us as wives.

If you were to recall your own wedding ceremony or perhaps someone else's, you might remember that during the ceremony a very critical question was asked. The person presiding over the ceremony normally asks the question, "Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" The answer that the father is often instructed to say, "Her mother and I do." When the father answers this question, instantly, at that moment, the woman is transferred from one man's household into another's. Of course, this is not to say that this question is required for the principle to still exist. The transference happens regardless of the wording of the ceremony. With this understanding in mind, the wife, who is not specifically commanded to leave father and mother, must realize that she was given away by father and mother. Because she is given away, she has left father and mother by virtue of the transference. It is not surprising then to find that this principle of giving away the bride is exemplified throughout the Scripture.

The first time we ever see a bride given away is found at the beginning of time. After God created Eve, He did not send her off to meet Adam. Instead, He brought her to him or gave her away (Genesis 2:22). Another example is that of Rebekah. When Abraham desired a wife for his son, Isaac, he sent his servant on a search to find one. Once the servant found the wife, her father and brother said, "The thing proceedeth from the LORD: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good. Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the LORD hath spoken" (Genesis 24:50-51). Rebekah did not suddenly pick up her stuff and leave her family to go be with Isaac. She was given away.

Another example that comes to mind is that of Rachel and Leah. When Jacob wanted to marry Rachel, her father, Laban said, "It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn. Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years. And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week: and he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also" (Genesis 29:26-28). Eve, Rebekah, Rachel, and Leah are just a few examples of brides given away by their families. While I do realize that the Scriptures give us examples of some wives who were purchased like Ruth, and of others who were just taken to be a wife, the overall principle taught is that daughters are to be given to husbands (Jeremiah 29:6).

As we have seen, the command in Genesis 2:24 does not specifically state what the woman is to do. This, however, does not make her exempt because she is given away. Now that we have this understanding, let's dig a little further into how the Genesis 2:24 command relates to us.

Forgetting Thy People

One day as I was trying to reconcile the command in my mind, I came across an interesting verse of Scripture. Through this verse, the Lord solidified as well personalized that observing the command is not only relevant to wives but essential. The verse is Psalm 45:10. It states, "Hearken, O daughter, and consider, and incline thine ear; forget also thine own people, and thy father's house." Needless to say, I was amazed at how clearly this was spelled out for the woman. A more modern version puts it this way, "Bride of the king, listen carefully to me. Forget your own people and your father's family" (The Contemporary English Version).

In dealing with my own personal resolve to leave and cleave, I must admit that Psalm 45:10 was a real comfort to me. Still, I wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. Just in case there was a chance that I was totally off base, and perhaps reading too much into the Scripture, I decided to turn to theologians of the past to hear their take on the verse. Here is what Matthew Henry, a great scholar and preacher from the 1600s, had to say on this verse:

She must renounce all others. Here is the law of her espousals: _'Forget thy own people and thy father's house,'_ according to the law of marriage. Retain not the affection thou hast had for them, nor covet to return to them again; banish all such remembrance (not only of thy people that were dear to thee, but of thy father's house that were dearer) as may incline thee to look back, as Lot's wife to Sodom."1

To many of us today, these would seem like harsh words. Who would do such a thing? Banish all remembrance of your family? This sounds absurd. Should people really think like this? Let's fast forward a little to a time period that's a little closer to ours. The year was 1810, and missionary Adoniram Judson was about to set out to evangelize Burma. Before his departure, however, he fell in love with Ann Hasseltine. After declaring his love for Ann, he wrote the following letter to her father:

_I have now to ask, whether you can consent to part with your daughter early next spring, to see her no more in this world; whether you can consent to her departure, and her subjection to the hardships and sufferings of missionary life; whether you can consent to her exposure to the dangers of the ocean, to the fatal influence of the southern climate of India; to every kind of want and distress; to degradation, insult, persecution, and perhaps a violent death. Can you consent to all this, for the sake of him who left his heavenly home, and died for her and for you; for the sake of perishing, immortal souls; for the sake of Zion, and the glory of God? Can you consent to all this, in hope of soon meeting your daughter in the world of glory, with the crown of righteous, brightened with the acclamations of praise which shall redound to her Savior from heathens saved, through her means, from eternal woe and despair?_ 2

Whoa! What father do you know who would read a letter like this one and consent to such a thing? Better yet, what girl in her right mind would hear her dad read a letter like this and say, "Yep, this is the kind of life I was dreaming of." Most of us today would have a hard time with this. We have become a people who have grown accustomed to sweet words and pleasantries. We want the dream life. Unlike us, believe it or not, Ann's father told Adoniram that Ann could make up her own mind on the matter, and that she did. They were married on February 5, 1812. Ann left it all for a future full of uncertainties, but one thing was certain. Both Ann and her father had a clear understanding that this was the end of their time together.

After considering all these things, it makes sense to me that the principle taught in the Genesis 2:24 command is relevant for the wife. Even though she is not specifically commanded to leave, she must remember that the idea here is that she is given away. Once given away, she must now forget her past, which in essence is leaving—a kind of leaving that I will discuss in more detail in the coming chapters, but before I move on, let's look at how our role relates to Jesus and the Church.

You Represent the Church

You may have probably heard it said that a bride symbolizes the Church or the Church is the Bride of Christ. In speaking of the Church, Paul writes, "For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ" (2 Corinthians 11:2). Additionally, the Apostle John also makes reference to this when he said, "And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband" (Revelation 21:2). Therefore, if the bride symbolizes the Church, then the Church must have a groom. She does, and John the Baptist helps to explain this to us. He says of Jesus, "He that hath the bride is the bridegroom" (John 3:29).

Based on what I have said earlier, that the bride is normally given away and once given away must forget her past, this principle should ring true in this symbolism as well, should it not? It does. Jesus said, "All things are delivered unto me of my Father" (Matthew 11:27). This includes the Church. If the Heavenly Father is giving Jesus the Church, then she, the Church, must leave all to follow her groom. Jesus says, "If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26).

The most important thing we as people can do here on this earth is to be obedient to the commands of Jesus, and the command to leave and cleave is no different than any other command in the Bible. Following Jesus will require an absolute obedience to this particular command and all the others as well. Knowing this and knowing that Jesus is watching to see to what level we put His commands into practice, wouldn't you want to be found on the highest level of obedience to Him? Following Him requires a costly sacrifice.

My uncle, Maniram, once told me that Jesus was not nailed to the cross with rubber nails. He was saying that you must feel the pain if you are going to make a sacrifice for Jesus. When the Scriptures say that a man shall leave his father and mother, the principle rings true for wives also. We were not exempt. Our very role as a wife is representative of His Church, and if we can't leave father and mother here on this earth, how do we expect the Church to leave the world to follow Christ? Leaving our family to follow our husband is like leaving the world to follow Christ, and this means learning to love Him and him more than mother, father, brother, etc. This is a pure act of obedience regardless of how we feel on the matter.

Chapter 2

Relocation

I'm not sure they're up yet. Their shades are closed. Boy, they sure do sleep in late. Their car is still in the driveway. They probably didn't go to work today. Did you see how they cut their hedges? He doesn't even edge the grass after he mows. Just look at those plants in their front yard. They don't even put fertilizer on them. . .

Even though many couples have heard the Genesis 2:24 command and can even repeat it verbatim, executing such a command can prove to be very difficult. The first step a wife must take to ensure that she is obedient to the principle of the command to "leave and cleave" is to move geographically. That's right, relocate. There are some who teach that you can live next door to your parents and still leave and cleave. My experience has proven otherwise. Living too close to your parents can prove to be a disaster trap. You might think that it can work if everyone gets along. In reality, however, there will be obligations, frictions, divisions, and expectations that will prevent you from being the wife that God has called you to be.

Living Next Door

When I was newly married, I lived on the same block with my parents with only three houses separating us from each other. Living this close was not such a great idea. For instance, my parents would regularly have relatives, church people, or family friends who came to visit, and either my mom or dad would call asking me to come visit with them. While my parents may not have meant any harm, the constant involvement with their lives created tension between me and my husband. I felt obligated to go over and visit with them while he felt no such compulsion. These kinds of situations always created a strain between us.

To give you an illustration, there were times when I felt quite sad that my husband was not with me. In addition, his absence also placed a burden on me to give a reason for why he was not there. What was I supposed to say? Should I say, "Billy just does not want to come." This could potentially hurt their feelings. It might even cause them to think ill of him. Or, should I make up a lie to smooth things over and say that he was busy? If I did that, then I would be accountable to God. I was in a lose-lose situation. Does this give you a picture of the kind of stress involved when living too close?

Living too close also created a strain between my husband and my parents. If my dad, for instance, got himself involved in a project, should he expect my husband to come lend a helping hand? What if my husband was busy and couldn't get involved? What if he was just plain tired or just simply did not want to go? Do you see how these kinds of situations can cause friction? Guess who was always caught in the middle? Was the problem my parents? In some cases they may have been. Was the problem me? Absolutely! I was simply too close.

Living in the Same House

What if you don't live a few houses away, as I did, but actually live right in the same house with your parents? There are couples who move in with either her parents or his in hopes of alleviating financial or even childcare burdens. This decision will open a marriage to unnecessary conflicts. Coming from an Indian background, I know that this kind of living arrangement can be a common practice. For example, in one particular family that I know, the husband works with his dad, and his wife and children all live together in one big house with his parents and even extended family members. Mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, grandchildren, and cousins all live together. Now, this particular family seems like a very affluent family. Why they do not get their own place, I don't know. Nevertheless, they all huddled together.

Living like this family compounds problems. For one thing, it sets up the home to have two masters, and no house can have two masters. How can your husband expect to be the head when dad is standing right there? How does a wife have an opportunity to express herself to her husband when she has to worry about how her mother-in-law is going to react?

Moving out of our parents' home is not only something that we must observe today, it was also a practice that was necessary long before we were ever conceived. Scripture records some of those instances for us. Let us, once again, consider Rebekah as an example. She had to make the choice to leave her parent's home even before she ever saw her groom. Although her family had agreed to give her away (as I mentioned in the previous chapter), they had one slight problem. Rebekah's family did not want her to leave them so quickly. "Her brother and her mother said, Let the damsel abide with us a few days, at the least ten; after that she shall go" (Genesis 24:55). Abraham's servant, however, insisted that he leave with Rebekah immediately. Upon his persistence, Rebekah's family asked her what she wanted. Rebekah said, "I will go" (Genesis 24:58). And that she did.

Another example is that of Rachel and Leah. These two women both lived under their father's tent with their husband, Jacob, and Jacob worked for their dad who treated him poorly. When their husband called them to have a family meeting to talk about moving away from their dad's house, they were both willing to support him in this move. The Scripture records, "And Rachel and Leah answered and said unto him, Is there yet any portion or inheritance for us in our father's house? Are we not counted of him strangers? for he hath sold us, and hath quite devoured also our money. For all the riches which God hath taken from our father, that is ours, and our children's: now then, whatsoever God hath said unto thee, do" (Genesis 31:14-16). These wives left their dad's house and did not try to move back in again.

Don't Wait

We don't have to wait for problems to arise as in Rachel and Leah's case before we leave our parents' home. We can leave like Rebekah did before these kinds of problems even have room to breed. Simple irritants which cause your stress level to rise can be avoided. You won't be required to be there when Uncle Joe visits. Even things like running errands for your parents will not happen so easily if you live far enough away.

You might say, _Moving geographically from your parents sounds nice, but what about if you work for your parents?_ How do you try to leave them then? Sometimes, this can be a very touchy situation. Fortunately, the Lord is a faithful God, if He tells you to leave your father and mother, He also will provide a way for you and your spouse to make it. I remember when we were newly married, my husband was working for his dad's church. Shortly after, he realized that his parents' influence on his life might hurt our marriage. So, he quickly gathered up his belongings and said good-bye to that job. He did not spend weeks deliberating over this decision or asking others what they thought he should do. He made a decision for our family and followed through on it. You might be wondering, _Well how can he quit the ministry?_ Oh, he did not quit the ministry. He just walked in obedience to the Lord.

Geographically moving away from your parents is important because you can prevent unnecessary problems. I believe you don't have to wait for problems to start, as I said earlier. Moving away can help you put up boundaries that will prevent some problems from occurring in the first place. As a result, this will spare you and your husband from unnecessary pain and stress. Don't drag around.

Living under the same roof with your parents or even living too close is a bad idea no matter how you look at it. You will constantly be divided against your husband, and at times, you may not even realize it. In addition, you may even develop bad habits like disrespecting and degrading your husband in front of your family even if you didn't mean to do so. For instance, your husband might say something like, "Let's leave now," but instead of saying, "Okay," you might find yourself saying something like, "I'll leave when I am ready." What does he do now? Should he command you to leave and risk a fight in front of the family? Or, should he shut-up and wait until you are ready? So, move. Leave. Take off. Don't hang too close. Perhaps your husband will get a job offer out of town which might take you far away from your family. Don't resist going. Use this as an opportunity to build a foundation with your husband. The proverb says, "A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished" (Proverbs 22:3).

Wives, I am trying to help you so that you won't experience that punishment. Even if things are good with your family and you never ever have any stress with them, it is important for you to know that you are still commanded to leave. You are not just leaving to avoid problems, but you are leaving to be obedient to Christ. Leaving geographically will help to ensure that you are executing the command well.

Once I performed this step of physically moving away, (which, I must add, was not a decision I made of my own accord but one the Lord arranged for us), the physical separation brought immediate relief and peace. I hope that as you take this initial step, you also will experience the difference it makes not only in your life but in your husband's life as well.

Chapter 3

A Matter of the Heart

Some years ago, I met a woman who encouraged me to "trust my heart." Maybe you have heard someone say something similar—perhaps something like, "You've got to follow your heart." Well, just about that time, I think my devotions must have been in the book of Jeremiah because my response to her was, "Oh no! My heart is desperately wicked. I can't trust my heart." I don't think she knew what to do with a statement like that.

Another time, I was talking to a different lady who told me that she has to have her feelings in order for her to have faith in God. Right then and there, the Holy Spirit quickened to me Romans 10:17. I told her that the Bible teaches, "Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God," rather than by feelings.

So many times our feelings can throw us off onto the wrong path. They are up and down. One minute you can feel sad, and the next you can feel happy. One minute you can feel like you hate a person, and the next you can feel like you like that person. One day as I was praying, the thought came to my mind to pray for a specific lady who was flirtatious with my husband. Everything in me did not feel inclined to pray for her, yet in obedience to what I believed was the Lord's leading, I prayed for her anyway. Immediately, I found myself saying these words, "Lord, my feelings will change, but Your Word will stand forever." If we train ourselves to operate solely on how we feel, we will become unstable like Jello. Our emotions will overrun us, and we will make poor and disastrous decisions. For this reason, we must be aware and guard against our feelings when we are in the process of leaving our family. You see, even though leaving geographically is quite necessary, it is not sufficient by itself to help get this job of leaving accomplished well. Let me show you what I mean.

Several years ago, I knew a couple who relocated several hundred miles from her parents. After moving, the wife telephoned her mother several times every day. Needless to say, this behavior frustrated her husband, and they had many arguments over the matter. In spite of the troubles, this wife was not willing to concede. Shortly after, this couple ended up getting a divorce. While there may have been other problems in their marriage, the issue highlighted was the wife's attachment to her mother.

It is apparent from the above example that leaving geographically, even though important, is not effective if it is not accompanied with an emotional leaving as well. Leaving your family geographically is the first step. Leaving geographically is not even that hard. Leaving emotionally, however, is much harder. People will normally understand you moving out of town, but they may not so easily understand when you don't show up for the holidays. This, my friend, is where the rubber really meets the road. Leaving requires an emotional severance as well as a geographical one. But, how does one leave emotionally?

No Contact?

"When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5).

Have you ever taken a year off from your job because of maternity leave or perhaps for some health reason? What happened when you returned to work after a year? Were there any changes? Was it the same old faces, or did your company hire some new employees? Perhaps they changed the entire decor or relocated to a whole different building. A lot can change in a year.

You see, I believe our Lord is wise enough to recognize that taking a year off from everything causes some automatic boundaries to be established—boundaries that would not normally be established if you continued business as normal. Not seeing your family or friends for a whole year would really put up an immediate barrier, would it not? You wouldn't know who got married, who had a baby, who died, or whatever detail you would normally hear being in contact with your family.

The Patriarchs' wives—Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, and Leah—serve as good examples of no contact. There is no indication in Scripture that any of these women remained in contact with their parents after they got married. Rebekah, for instance, was so absent in communication with her family that when her son Jacob went down to her brother's house, they were pleasantly surprised to hear that she even had a son (Genesis 29). In this day and age, this would seem hard to pull off. Almost everyone today knows whether or not their brother or sister has had any children. Nonetheless, these women lived a separated life from their families. It seemed that once they left, they really left.

What would happen if every time you get into a disagreement with your husband you decide to make contact with your parents by running back to their home to feel comforted? Well, you eventually will develop a bad habit that will cause you to have further problems with your spouse. Sure, it's easy to run back home to mom and dad. After all, they see your good side. They may not have known how rottenly you have just treated your husband. This was exactly the case with a wife mentioned in the book of Judges.

In Judges chapter 19, we learn of a wife who apparently got herself involved with another man and had an extramarital affair. Instead of working out her problems with her husband, she decided to run back to her daddy's house, and guess what? She was happily received. Isn't it funny how, when certain difficulties come into our lives, we know exactly where to run for cover?

Commenting on this passage, theologian, Matthew Henry, says,

This Levite's concubine played the whore and eloped from her husband, v. 2. The Chaldee reads it only that she carried herself insolently to him, or despised him, and, he being displeased at it, she went away from him, and (which was not fair) was received and entertained at her father's house. Had her husband turned her out of doors unjustly, her father ought to have pitied her affliction; but, when she treacherously departed from her husband to embrace the bosom of a stranger, her father ought not to have countenanced her sin. Perhaps she would not have violated her duty to her husband if she had not known too well where she should be kindly received. Children's ruin is often owing very much to parents' indulgence.1

Instead, what would happen if you and your spouse got into a quarrel, and you had nowhere else to go? No friend to run to. No sister, or brother, or parent to tell how bad your husband is treating you? I will tell you what will happen. You might just eventually run back into the arms of your husband and try to learn how to fix your problems with him and him alone. You may even be so isolated that you actually have to learn to just talk to the Lord, alone in your parked car...hmm... Perhaps this was exactly what you needed to learn to do after all. Giving yourself over to others during your times of discomfort (or even happy times) will rob you of the pleasures you get from sharing those critical moments with the one that you promised to love for better or worse.

You might say, _Well, all this sounds nice, but I did leave!_ Did you? Do you still find that you call your parents for advice? Perhaps you still enjoy when they give you stuff or let you borrow their vehicle. What about Sundays? Do you frequently find yourself having lunch with them after church?

Well, if you have answered "yes" to any of these questions, I am afraid to say that you have not fully left your family. You see, no contact means, no contact. It means you are not going to depend on your parents or even his for any kind of support, whether that be financial, emotional, or even social. The term "leave" means to relinquish or to forsake entirely.

Now, let me draw your mind back to the verse referenced above. "When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken" (Deuteronomy 24:5). One significant thing that can be observed in this verse is that the man had to cheer up his wife. May I ask, why do you think a man would have to cheer up his wife after they get married? Isn't this "happy time?" After all, they just got married. Perhaps there was a reason the man had to stay at home to cheer up his new wife. It may have been because there was some very serious grieving taking place. Who or what do you think she was grieving over?

Becoming Dead

It was a bright and sunny Saturday afternoon, and Sue Lin was a wreck. Her face was marred with tear stains, and her hair was in disarray. She walked around the house all day in her pajamas and was totally heart broken. Sue Lin's dad had just passed away, and today, she attended his funeral. Sue Lin loved her dad but knew the time would come when they would have to part, but somehow, she did not realize that it had to end this way. She was speechless. Words could not describe her agony. She silently sat on the couch clenching a soaked tissue. All her husband could do was embrace her and wipe away the tears that so gently streamed down her face. You see, Sue Lin's dad died today, but not physically. Oh no! He is very much alive, but today, Sue Lin died to her dad and said her final goodbyes emotionally.

As we endeavor to relinquish emotional ties, we will experience grief. Why? We are becoming dead to our family. This is particularly hard if you are very close to them. Today, when a person gets married, they do not often think of grieving over their family members. The reason being, they do not see the finality of their old relationships; therefore, grieving is not even entertained. In times past, however, this was not the case. In times past, when a woman was taken to be a wife, she was often given a time of mourning over her parents. Deuteronomy 21:10-13 teaches us that,

When thou goest forth to war against thine enemies, and the LORD thy God hath delivered them into thine hands, and thou hast taken them captive, And seest among the captives a beautiful woman, and hast a desire unto her, that thou wouldest have her to thy wife; Then thou shalt bring her home to thine house; and she shall shave her head, and pare her nails; And she shall put the raiment of her captivity from off her, and shall remain in thine house, and bewail her father and her mother a full month: and after that thou shalt go in unto her, and be her husband, and she shall be thy wife.

The reality of the matter is that even though your family members are not physically dead, you must come to the place where you become dead to them. Let me explain by way of illustration.

The Scriptures teach us that we are no longer under the law because we are under grace. Paul says, "For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace" (Romans 6:14). "Wherefore, my brethren, ye also are become dead to the law by the body of Christ; that ye should be married to another" (Romans 7:4). Let's just say for a moment that your parents or family members represent the law (Old Testament). Just as Christians have to become dead to the law, we have to become dead to our parents. Note carefully that the law is not dead, but we rather have to become dead to it. Why? Because of Christ. We can't live under the law and live under grace at the same time. That would be a mongrel Christianity. In the same way, we can't live under our parents and try to live with our husbands at the same time. That would be a mongrel marriage.

You might say, _I still don't understand._ Let me explain further. Our parents were there to help teach us as we grew older (i.e. "Don't play on the road!" "Wash behind your ears." "Look both ways before you cross the street"). They played an instrumental part in our rearing, but in essence, what they were doing was preparing us to come to that place where we would know how to make it on our own without their help (I hope). They, in this sense, would be likened to the law. Paul states, "Wherefore the law was our schoolmaster to bring us unto Christ, that we might be justified by faith. But after that faith is come, we are no longer under a schoolmaster" (Galatians 3:24-25). You see, just as the law brings us to Christ, our parents bring us (make us ready) to be with our husbands. They no longer have any hold over us just like the law no longer has any hold over us. Why? We have become dead to them. You must become dead to them if you want to have a successful marriage.

The next question you might be thinking is, _How exactly do I become dead to them?_ Let's say, you have been married now for twelve years and still did not leave your parents, how do you fix that now? Well, one thing you can do is to formally say goodbye. You can do this verbally or in writing. I, for example, was already seven years into my marriage before I said my formal goodbyes. If I had started the process earlier, I could have avoided a lot of pain for myself, my husband, and even my parents throughout the beginning years of our marriage. Nevertheless, seven years into my marriage this is what I did. I wrote my parents a thank you card. In it, I told them how grateful I was for all that they had done for me over the course of my life with them. I also told them that I loved them. Then, I told them that I had decided, in obedience to the Bible, to leave them and submit to my husband. I also listed for them a few verses that supported this decision. Then, I withdrew myself by limiting my contact with them.

This is something you can do as well. It will help to give you a point of reference because every time you remember yourself saying that formal goodbye you will be less inclined to overstep your words. In addition, taking such an action will help solidify the commitment you made to your husband at the altar. This is something you can do whether you are at the marriage ceremony, a newlywed, or even if you have been married for several years.

Guarding Against Reattachment

Once you have taken action to sever the emotional ties, guard against the feelings of reattachment. Trust me, they will try to resurface. These emotions can be easily stirred up during holidays such as Thanksgiving and Christmas or special occasions such as birthdays and family reunions. Please keep in mind (and I mean in mind not heart) to be alert to those tempting times when you feel like your heartstrings are being pulled to join your family.

I remember when my parents decided that they were going to relocate from the United States back to South America. Their move was difficult for me. I thought, "Well, I might not ever see them again, so I better go and say goodbye." Little did I know that this was going to be a heartbreaking decision in more ways than one. If you recall, I had already sent my parents a goodbye card thanking them for all they had done for me. Therefore, to step back into their lives was a bad idea, even if it was to say goodbye. You might think this is a cruel thing to say, but just a day or so before they left, I was reading Luke 9:62, "No man, having put his hand to the plough, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God." I thought to myself, "Wow, this is a good passage for my husband," and I moved on with my day. When the time came closer for my parents to leave, however, my husband and I took a two hour car ride to go and bid them farewell. Without getting into much detail, it was not a pleasant experience.

The following day, when my parents were about to make their final departure, there was all kinds of turmoil in the family, and I was left totally overwhelmed. It was around that time that the Lord brought back to my remembrance Luke 9:62. I can't tell you how much I felt like a failure before the Lord. I felt like I looked back, and it grieved me intensely that I would hurt my Lord.

My fellow wives, guard against those feelings that pull your heartstrings toward your family. There may be times when you will even be tempted to feel like your husband is the one who is responsible for tearing you away from your family. But, believe me, those tearing moments in your heart are actually the strings trying to break as they were intended to—just like an umbilical cord severing from a mother and her baby. Don't resist that breaking. Embrace it. You are being cleansed, or purged—washed off from those things you don't need to hang on to.

Do you remember what Jesus said? "I am the true vine, and my Father is the husbandman. Every branch in me that beareth not fruit he taketh away: and every branch that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit" (John 15:1-2). Don't try to reattach yourself to that branch that is being cut off. What you are experiencing is a bleeding of the heart because the old is being cut off. Just the realization of that fact will help to cut your battle in half as you move forward to cleave to your husband. You are becoming dead so that you can become alive. Just like a seed that has to be buried into the ground so that it can spring up and bring forth fruit. Only when you become dead to your past, will you be able to spring forth and form new emotional ties with your husband—your new family, on those special holidays that you once shared with your old family.

Right now, for some of you, you might feel like it is never going to get better in your heart. Let me encourage you by saying that if you leave well, it will. If you physically move away and emotionally become dead to your family, there will eventually come a day when your heart will not be so overcome. Your parents may call or visit, but hearing their voices or seeing their faces will not have the same grip on you as before. This will be a good indicator that you have left well.

Not What God Meant

For those of you who feel like this is not what God meant when He told us to leave, let me remind you of something that we as Christians tend to forget. The way of Jesus is hard. His teachings are hard. His words are sharp, and they often cause many to turn away from Him. Do you remember John 6? The text tells us, "Many therefore of his disciples, when they had heard this, said, This is an hard saying; who can hear it? . . . From that time many of his disciples went back, and walked no more with him" (John 6:60, 66). They were offended by Jesus' teachings. Will we also be offended and turn away? Should we receive His teachings only when they are palatable?

Keep in mind that Jesus will bless us when we are obedient to His Word. He says, "And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life" (Matthew 19:29). When God told us to leave father and mother, He meant it. He was not confused over the matter. When He told us to come out from the world and be separate, He meant that also. Remember, our role as a wife is reflective to that of the Church, and as the Church of Jesus, we can't let our heart strings pull us back toward the world anymore. Neither can we let it pull us back toward our parents any longer—not when He tells us to leave them. We can't choose to walk with Jesus and still desire in our hearts to look back. Remember Lot's wife. If we choose to compromise ourselves, our allegiance to the Lord will be hindered.

Chapter 4

Reaction of Parents

He is controlling you! Don't you have the freedom to do whatever you want?

Do you have to tell him everything?

Don't tell him this . . .

For most of us, when we were children, trusting our parents just came naturally. It probably never occurred to us that our parents would ever harm us. Our image of them was heavily skewed in one direction. As we grow older, however, we are sometimes shocked and amazed to learn that our parents are really not who we thought they were. To see them in a negative light jolts us, especially if someone else points out their faults to us. Disbelief quickly sets in, and we are ready to defend them to the teeth. We may say things like, _No, I can't believe my mom would say that!_ Or, _My dad would NEVER do that!_ The pedestal on which we have lifted them up starts to shake. The very foundation that we have known and respected can then seem to crumble right out from under us. This is especially true when they react negatively to us leaving them. Nevertheless, it sometimes takes this kind of shaking for us as children to really come to grips with the reality that we must leave and cleave.

This kind of leaving comes with a price. One thing to prepare for is that your parents will not likely support you in your commitment to leave. You may even be looked down upon by the whole family. Some of your family members may even be quite hostile towards you and your husband. Depending on the kind of family in which you were reared, this could be an incredibly difficult transition.

Blood Thicker Than Water

I remember when I was in the process of leaving my parents, one of my family members told me that "blood is thicker than water." Have you ever heard that saying? This person used this saying to leverage me in a conversation we were having. It made me wonder. Was this person meaning that my blood relations with my family were thicker than my covenant relationship with my husband? Was this person regarding my relationship with my husband as water? The Bible does not support this kind of thinking. This statement simply cannot be true as it relates to relationships.

Take David and Johnathan, two men in the Bible, for instance. One was from the tribe of Benjamin and the other from the tribe of Judah. They were from two different households. One was the son of a king and the other a shepherd boy. These two boys who were not biological brothers cultivated such a rich friendship that the Scriptures record, "The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. . . And Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was upon him, and gave it to David, and his garments, even to his sword, and to his bow, and to his girdle" (1 Samuel 18:1,4). Jonathan is even noted for laying his life on the line for his friend when his dad wanted to kill him. Wouldn't you consider that a pretty thick relationship? After all, was it not Jesus who said, "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends" (John 15:13). Even though Jonathan was Saul's biological son, Jonathan had a closer relationship with David, his friend, than he did with his own blood related father.

Wives, you can indeed have thicker relationships with your husband, who is not a blood relative, than with those you are related to by blood. Do you know that when you and your husband came together you became one? With what other relationship does this happen? The command says, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Nowhere in the Scriptures are we admonished to become one flesh with our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, etc. That would be incest. If coming together physically with your husband makes you become one flesh, then what could be thicker than this?

Divisive Tactics

Wives, your family may try to use all kinds of divisive tactics to skew your thinking and pull you away from your husband. For instance, they may divide you against your husband by telling you some story which may involve him and then tell you, "Don't tell him this." On another occasion, they may come to you and tell you something that they don't like about your husband hoping that you would take the information right back to him. And of course, there are the slurs like the ones mentioned earlier. "He is controlling you. Don't you have the freedom to do whatever you want? Do you have to tell him everything?"

Some parents may even drop by their child's home with bags of goodies or offer them tickets to their favorite concert. They may even pay for their groceries or give them gas money. While from every outward appearance, there may be nothing wrong with giving these things, sometimes the motive behind the giving can be wrong. This is why it is so critical that you have a moment either before, during, or after the wedding to make sure you leave your parents well. Otherwise, they may not understand the boundaries.

While there are some parents who have good understanding in this matter and won't hold grudges against their child for taking this kind of action, others, unfortunately, will feel like their child is doing them wrong. Most likely these are parents who themselves have not practiced leaving their own parents, so to them, your behavior will seem strange and outlandish. Your parents may even be Christians who know full well what the Bible says on the matter, yet their heartstrings will pull them to feel offended. Nonetheless, this kind of "all or nothing" leaving is what our Lord commanded us to do.

Your family may disown you, call you the black sheep, make rude and insensitive remarks, or just completely misread your intentions, but remember what Jesus said:

Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me (Matthew 10:34-40).

I want you to look at the last verse: "He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me." If your family does not receive you because you choose to follow Christ's commands, then they are not receiving Him. Sometimes there is nothing that you can do to fix your family if they are bent on going in the opposite direction of Christ. You must move forward and follow Christ at all costs.

Attitude of Your Heart

One very important thing to keep in mind is the attitude of your heart in dealing with matters of this nature. When you are dealing with parental issues in your marriage, you can quickly become angry and bitter against them. This is especially true if they have treated you or your spouse badly. For this reason, I can't stress enough how critical it is for you to leave them well so as to not have these haunting feelings. Jesus teaches us to "bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you" (Matthew 5:44). If your family treats you badly, don't fight evil with evil. Instead, try to follow these principles taught in Scripture:

1. Tell them their faults. Tell them how they have hurt you. They may refuse to hear, so be prepared for that (Matthew 18:15).

2. Repent of holding any kind of grudge or bitterness towards them and release them from your bitterness unto the Lord (Leviticus 19:17-18; Ephesians 4:31; Hebrews 12:15).

3. Pray that the Lord will heal them and lay not this sin to their charge as Stephen prayed in the book of Acts for his persecutors (Acts 7:60; Luke 6:28).

4. Leave. Remember, the Lord may be using this circumstance to teach you to leave and cleave to your husband (Mark 10:7; Colossians 3:18).

By so doing all of these things, you will help to ensure that you are walking perfectly before the Lord.

Sacrifice and Persecution

Remember, every time you attempt to make a sacrifice for doing what Jesus told you to do, you will experience religious persecution. Religious persecution is not just what you hear about taking place in some Middle Eastern country. It isn't only when someone gets shot or put into prison for preaching the gospel. No, it is also in the form of a coworker snubbing you for reading your Bible at lunch or someone picking on you because you go to church three times a week. Believe it or not, persecution even comes in the form of your own family mistreating you for obeying the command to leave and cleave. So, don't be like those on stony ground, who, when affliction and persecution come because of the Word, immediately become offended (Mark 4:16-17).

Jesus says, "Remember the word that I said unto you, The servant is not greater than his lord. If they have persecuted me, they will also persecute you" (John 15:20). He also says, "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you" (Matthew 5:10-12). Be encouraged my fellow wives and wives-to-be. Leave behind what He says to leave behind, and take on what He says to take on. Don't be afraid to give Him all that you have. Give Him, and see what He will do with it.

Chapter 5

What About the 5th Commandment?

His face was fierce as he shouted, "She is suppose to listen to me! I'm her father!"

Immediately his daughter jumped in and said, "Dad, the Bible says, 'Children obey your parents in the Lord for this is right.'"

He said, "That's right!"

"But," she continued, "Dad, I am not a child anymore."

At some point in your reading thus far, you may have thought to yourself, _What about the commandment that says, "Honour thy father and mother. . .?"_ Good question, but let me ask, how are you dishonoring them if you are following the same Bible that teaches you to leave them?

Let me share a brief story with you. I know of a young man, whom some would probably call a fanatic. Ever since he was a little boy, he wanted to do everything he knew how to do to please God. He got baptized, spent lots of time praying, and dedicated his entire life to teaching people about God. One day, while this man was teaching a class, someone came to him with the message that his mother was waiting outside and that she wanted to talk with him. Instead of stopping the class to go outside to see her, this man continued to teach the people.

Let me ask you, do you think that this man was honoring his mother when he did this? If you answered, "No," then let me say that you have just accused Jesus of not honoring his mother (Mark 3:31-35). You see, our minds can become very confused as it relates to what honoring our parents needs to look like. One command tells us to leave father and mother and the other tells us to honor them. How do we reconcile the two? We don't. The command to leave father and mother and the command to honor father and mother are two separate commands. Each has its own place. Performing one does not nullify the other. They each need to be performed. In a little while, we will examine the fifth commandment under the light of the New Testament, mainly using the book of Ephesians, but for now, let's talk about how our emotions are affected.

Emotional Confusion

One major reason we can become confused over the fifth commandment is because of our heavily involved emotions. Our emotions want us to say things like, That's my daddy, and that's my mommy. How can I leave them? For this reason, it is important that we be pensive over the matter.

When we leave father and mother to cleave to our spouse, we are not disrespecting our parents. We are simply being obedient to the command to leave. We must not become confused and think that because we leave them that we are cursing them. We are not in the category with those people who curse their father and mother as Moses and Jesus talked about (Exodus 21:17, Matthew 15:4). That's an entirely different group of people. Are you cursing your father and mother? Do you despise them? If, "yes," then that is a different subject for a different book, but for right now, let's assume that you don't hate your parents. You see, the only reason this can become confusing is because we often associate honoring with emotion. Honoring our parents has nothing to do with how we feel about them. Likewise, leaving them has nothing to do with how we feel. They are both acts of obedience toward God. Our feelings are a moot point on the matter.

Often, we can become tripped up with emotional events that have nothing to do with obedience to God. Because we have celebrated those events all of our lives with our parents, we feel like they are practices we must continue forever. Let's take Christmas for an illustration. Christmas? That's right, Christmas. Christmas is a wonderful time of the year because we, as Christians, hopefully take the time to reflect upon the birth of Jesus Christ, but nowhere in Scripture are we commanded to memorialize the birth of Jesus Christ. We are, however, commanded to remember his death till He comes (Luke 22:19, 1 Corinthians 11:26). To put this in perspective, a holiday as big as Christmas, one over which we become so emotional, one we want to celebrate with our family, is not even an event we are Biblically commanded to perform. It is a tradition of men. Therefore, if we don't show up to spend Christmas with our parents, it is not a sin. Do you see the connection of how our emotions can become easily confused? Once our emotions are confused, we can often equate these emotions with honoring.

Based on my experience, the reason the question of honoring your parents is normally raised as it relates to leaving and cleaving has nothing to do with the keeping of the command but rather a faulty understanding on the part of the person raising the question. Sometimes, this person knows just enough Bible to be dangerous. Let's say you have a brother, for example, and you decide that you are going to leave and cleave. Your brother hears of this and the next time he sees you, he says, "Isn't there a command in the Bible that says you are supposed to honor your parents?" Now, all of a sudden he has introduced doubts into your mind about the action you have just taken to obey God. This is not a new tactic but one quite similar to what took place in the Garden of Eden with Eve (Genesis 3:1). The devil brings confusion to the mind when there was no need for you to be confused over the matter. This is why it is so important that you know what the Bible teaches and refuse to trust your emotions to guide you.

What Honoring Your Parents Really Means

Now, let's study this fifth commandment under the light of the New Testament. If you examine Ephesians, particularly chapter five and the beginning of chapter six, you will observe something very interesting. In these two chapters, the Apostle Paul starts off by addressing the believers in Ephesus as a whole. Then in verse twenty-two of chapter five, a shift takes place, and he starts to narrow his address down to wives and husbands and then to children and then to fathers and then to employees and then to bosses. You are probably wondering what is my point. My point is that the Apostle seems to be making a distinction by identifying the various duties that are required of us at these particular places in our lives. For instance, if you are an employee, you need to do your work even if your boss is not looking, instead of looking like you are working really hard only when he or she is around. For the purpose of what we are talking about, which is to honor your father and mother, this commandment falls under the category of children.

In chapter five of Ephesians, the Apostle has already addressed husbands and wives, therefore, he does not need to address them again. Instead, he now moves on to children, and it is under the heading of children that he brings up this commandment. In chapter six of Ephesians Paul writes, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:1-5). Now, in the context of this passage, we glean that these are to be little children, not married children. How can a father bring up his grown married child in the nurture and admonition of the Lord if his son or daughter is out of his house? If we were supposed to obey our parents after we get married, Paul probably would not have ended chapter five of Ephesians with wives reverencing their husbands (in Titus 2:5 wives are told to obey their husbands). We can't be obedient to our husbands and be obedient to our dads and moms all at the same time. We are going to have to pick. It's either our husbands or our parents. If we are married, we had better pick our husbands.

To broaden our study, we will turn to the book of Colossians. Once again the Apostle Paul is addressing the Church. This time, however, I want you to picture a family (mom, dad, son, daughter) all sitting together on the front row of the Church. Now, picture Paul addressing this family. He starts off by walking over to the mother and tells her, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord" (Colossians 3:18). Then he takes two steps over and addresses the dad: "Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them" (3:19). He moves yet a little further and looks the son and daughter straight in the eyes and says to them, "Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord" (3:20). Do you see where I am going with this? The context, in yet another book of the Bible, is that of little children rather than married children.

Do you recall when Jesus was twelve years old? After the feast of passover, He stayed behind in the temple teaching the doctors and lawyers instead of going home with the caravan of people to Nazareth. When His mother and father found Him, the Bible records that "he went down with them, and came to Nazareth, and was subject unto them" (Luke 2:51). One thing to observe, however, is that when the time came for Jesus to go into the ministry—i.e. marrying Himself to the Church—He was no longer taking commands from His mother. In fact, the Bible teaches that He did not commit himself unto men (John 2:24). At one point, He had to be subject to His parents, but when He went into the ministry, He submitted Himself unto God.

Married

Now let's talk about what honoring our parents really means when we are married adults. First of all, once we get married our honoring of our parents does not cease. Obedience to them ceases but not honoring. With that said, we must realize that the way in which we honor them does shift. Let me explain. When you make the decision to leave and cleave, you are not absolving yourself of all responsibility towards your parents. No, you still have a responsibility to care for them when the time comes as 1 Timothy 5:1-17 teaches us to do. If you hear that they have a need, help them. You would do this for anyone else, right. If you happen to see them, treat them well. Just don't put yourself in situations with them that will compromise your stance and cause you to become torn between them and your Lord and them and your husband. Remember, the Lord said, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder" (Matthew 19:6). And yes, this means even your parents.

You might ask, _How am I going to know if my parents need my help if I don't keep in contact with them?_ If you have good, understanding parents, this shouldn't be hard because your parents will contact you if they really have a need. One thing my husband did was tell my parents that if there was anything they needed, they should let us know. Remember, you are not cursing mother and father. You are simply leaving them.

At some point in your life, you have to make a decision to choose Christ and go with Him all the way. Have you ever wondered why Jesus had nowhere to lay His head? Was it perhaps because His mother and brethren were opposing Him? It seems like when Jesus left home, He really left home to marry Himself to the work of God. From indications in the Scripture, Jesus' mother, brothers, and sisters were not on board with Him when He was on the earth (John 7:5). It was only after His death and resurrection that we learn of James' conversion (1 Corinthians 15:7). So, when His mother and brethren came to see Him while He was teaching, and He continued to teach the people, He setting His face like flint (Isaiah 50:7), as it would appear, to do the works of God. He did not let anyone hinder Him from performing God's will—even his own mother. We must think similarly.

Remember, what I am talking about really relates to parents or family members who give you a hard time when you choose to do what the Bible says. If your parents choose not to contact you because you chose to leave, then perhaps they are holding a grudge against you. On the other hand, parents and siblings who are actually looking to live holy will understand what you are doing; however, this seems rare. Therefore, realize that it is not your fault if they choose not to contact you. Don't get worked up about hypothetical scenarios. The Lord will help you work out all the details as you obediently put your trust in Him and follow His commandments.

When you leave and cleave, you are honoring the Lord as well as your parents. It all goes together. If your parents have a problem with this, their problem is not really with you even though you might get the backlash of it. Rather, their problem is with the Lord. It is His command with which they have a problem. This reminds me of a pastor who was counseling a woman in an abusive situation. He said that when a husband is acting in anger towards his wife by acts of violence, sometimes that anger is a misdirected anger. He explained what he meant by that. The husband may have had a problem with either his mom or dad, but because he could not strike them, he would take his frustration out on his wife. Similarly, if your parents treat you badly over obeying the command to leave them, remember the command isn't yours but God's. You just happen to be one obeying the command. Their anger is misdirected.

As far as I know, the only time that married children are to really enter back into their parents lives is when the parents are not well or when they are widows. Paul writes, "But if any widow have children or nephews, let them learn first to shew piety at home, and to requite their parents: for that is good and acceptable before God. . . If any man or woman that believeth have widows, let them relieve them, and let not the church be charged; that it may relieve them that are widows indeed" (1 Timothy 5:4,16).

We see this kind of piety Paul speaks of demonstrated clearly in the life of Jesus. The fact that the Scriptures never make any other reference to Joseph, Mary's husband, after he attended the feast of the passover seems to indicate that Joseph may have died leaving Mary a widow. This being the case, when Jesus was on the cross, He placed His mother Mary into the custody of the Apostle John (John 19:26,27). It is interesting to note that even though Mary had other children, Jesus was careful to place her in proper care. He was not just physically concerned for her but spiritually as well. Sure, He could have left her in the care of one of her other children, but based on Scripture (John 7:5), his brothers were not believers at that time. So, when the time comes that your parents need to be cared for, try to ensure that they are not just physically cared for but spiritually cared for as well.

Let me try to sum this all up. There is no conflict between the fifth commandment and the commandment to leave and cleave. Each has to be performed in our lives. We obey our parents when we are little, and we are there for them when they are widowed. Being there for them when they are widowed does not necessarily mean you have to move them in. Just make sure you do your best to supply the funds and care necessary.

My fellow wives, the world teaches us that honor has everything to do with feelings. Just like our opening story of Jesus not stopping His teaching to hear what His mother had to say, don't go with your feelings on this issue. Look to what the Scriptures teach and think soberly about it. Otherwise, your heart strings will pull you toward your family and cause you to jeopardize your walk with the Lord and your husband. Don't become confused. There is no reason for confusion. If you perform the commandments in the way they were set up to be performed, you should not have a problem with confusion over this issue. Remember, the same Jesus who teaches us to honor father and mother also tells us, "There is no man that hath left house, or parents, or brethren, or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God's sake, Who shall not receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting" (Luke 18:29-30). It is okay to leave your parents.

Chapter 6

Relinquishing Friendship Ties

Carlene had only been married four months when her best friend asked her to go to a concert. Carlene, really liking the group, agreed to go with her. One thing Carlene failed to consider, however, was how her new husband, Mark, was going to feel about her plans. Even though he agreed to let her go, Mark missed her while she was gone. Nevertheless, he tried to entertain himself that evening and then finally went to bed. Mark soon, however, found that he was having difficulty sleeping. You see, it was his first night apart from Carlene since they got married. So, instead of sleeping, he decided to just patiently wait up for Carlene. When Carlene arrived at 3:00 a.m., Mark was happy that she was home safe, but he was a little hurt. He wondered to himself, "Is she going to continue going out like this with her best friend?"

Are you having a hard time letting go of your friends? You might be thinking, _I didn't even know that I had to let go of my friends._ I am not surprised. The world teaches us to build friends all around us; however, once we get married, we must realize that our old friends might not be able to hold the same place in our lives as before. Most of these friends are single, and quite frankly, single people don't think the same way married people do. Not every husband will be happy to know that his wife's best friend likes to take her out where she might be drawn back into the single days. Therefore, relinquishing these friendship ties is critical.

Relinquishing ties with friends is not an area that is discussed in most marriage counseling books, and it can be easily overlooked. Nevertheless, it is quite important. In an effort to be in submission to your husband, letting go of friends from the past will be quite necessary. You might say, _Wait a minute! I'm not sure that's in the Bible?_ Let me explain. The issue here is not so much about friends as it is your level of submission to your husband in regard to your friends. Friends can sometimes be a hindrance to you having a successful marriage.

Losing Your Identity

Unfortunately, breaking off these kinds of ties is not a popular thought. In fact, many people will advise you to hang on to your old friends after you are married. Let's stop and consider this for a moment. Why would a person tell a woman to hold on to her old friends? After all, did she not marry her husband so that they could be together? Couldn't she learn to do fun things with her husband just the same. If the advice comes from a married woman, could it be that she has not really surrendered herself to her husband? Sometimes this advice comes out of a fear that a woman will lose her own identity. Some psychologists argue that people are afraid of just that. This psychology, however, contradicts greatly with the Bible. Ephesians 5:31 states that a man and his wife "shall become one flesh." It does not say that the two should try to maintain their own separate individual identity, but rather that their two identities are now swallowed up into one.

I believe we are sometimes so concerned about losing our identity in marriage that we miss the point—which I think will make it difficult for us to learn servant-hood well. If we as wives are symbolic of the Church, then according to the Bible, we as Christians have to learn to lose our lives. Jesus says, "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it" (Matthew 10:39). This is beautiful! Are you busy trying to hang on to your old life—your own identity? Allow your identity to be found in what Christ wants for you, and right now, that is to make you one with your husband. Only the Lord can take two separate and entirely different human beings and transform them into one.

Traps We Fall Into

If you choose to hang on to your friends after you are married, there are some traps that you will potentially fall into. We can sometimes fall into these traps without ever giving it much thought. One of those traps is the dependence trap. Have you ever found yourself running to your best friend's home or grabbing the phone to give her a call when you and your husband get into a quarrel? If so, you just might be training yourself to become dependent upon that friend—perhaps for comfort or to side with you. A friend may be a temporary anesthesia for that pain you might be experiencing. Whatever it is that might lure you to go to your friend instead of God or your husband in those times is making you dependent. This dependence trap can be a hindrance to you.

Another trap we can fall into with friends is the conversation trap. Read the next story and see if you can find what is wrong in this conversation.

It was 12:24 p.m., and Deborah still had not arrived. "When is she going to get here?" Monique wondered. "My lunch hour is almost over." Finally, Deborah arrived, and Monique was relieved. "What happened to you?" Monique asked.

"Well, my husband called right before I left the office and wanted to talk about a disagreement we had last night."

"What happened?" asked Monique.

"Girl, you know how men are! They can be so annoying sometimes. He yelled at Jeffery last night for staying out late, and when Jeffery came to me to talk about it, he told me I was taking Jeffery's side. Men! They have no understanding."

Was it obvious enough? We as wives can sometimes so easily belittle our husbands in the eyes of our friends with just common phrases we hear every day.

Over the years, I have heard wives talk about their "best friend." They talk about how they share everything with their "best friend." Is this a wise behavior? Have you ever wondered how your husband feels when you tell your "best friend" everything he does? Would you like for him to run and share with his coworker everything you do to him? My guess is, probably not. None of us wants others to think badly of us or know all of our intimate business, so why then should your husband's business be shared so freely? Even if it isn't a best friend, we need to be careful in how we represent our husband to others. I remember at a job I held, one of my coworkers was caught in this very trap. She proceeded to talk to us about her husband and very vividly described a part of his body in such a way that I think everyone had a mental picture. Wives, be careful to respect your husbands. The Bible is very clear in telling us that we must be discreet as I will discuss a little later on in the book (see Titus 2:5). In other words, be sensible in how you share information.

Other dangerous conversations we can have with our friends are secret or confidential conversations. Secret conversations are conversations that involve talking about things like our past boyfriends and/or wicked things we did in the past. Things that we won't necessarily feel comfortable sharing with our husbands. For instance, you might find yourself talking to a friend at work about some cute guy, thinking it is a safe place to share these thoughts. Remember, your goal now that you are married is to go forward not backward. You are trying to set your mind on things that will strengthen you in your commitment to your husband, not tear them down. These are just a couple of traps that we as wives can fall into with our friends. Therefore, we must take the precautions necessary to safe guard against falling into any traps that might threaten our relationships with our husbands, even hanging on to old friends.

Old Loves

What about those old friends that happen to be of the male gender? You might say, _Everyone knows that you are not supposed to hang around with your old boyfriends or ex-husband after you get married._ You might be surprised to know how many people don't actually know this. We as people sometimes need to be taught what would seem like the simplest of things. Take for instance, Joanna and her husband, Mike.

Several years ago, while Joanna was going through some of her old boxes in the garage, she came across some old love letters, earrings a boy gave her in the seventh grade, art work that other guys had drawn for her in high school, and several other sentimental items including photographs of old boyfriends. Looking through these items made Joanna feel quite special, so she was eager to show them to her husband. Her husband, on the other hand, was not so easily inclined to share in those items with her.

When we join ourselves to one man in marriage, we must seek to get rid of things that might set us up to have competing emotions in our marriage. If you are still talking over and over about your ex-husband to your new husband or are holding on to things like old love letters, stuffed animals, perfumes, jewelry, pictures of old boyfriends, or items that have sentimental value to you, you might need to rethink and let these things go. May I remind you that it was the Apostle Paul who told us, "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before" (Philippians 3:13). We need to keep our eyes on the husband that is before us instead of relishing in those things from the past that might hurt our relationship with our spouse.

Forsake All?

The question might be asked, _Does this mean I have to give up all my friends once I get married?_ The answer can be put this way. If the husband represents Christ and the wife represents the Church, then the Church has some very specific responsibilities. Jesus said,

If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple. For which of you, intending to build a tower, sitteth not down first, and counteth the cost, whether he have sufficient to finish it? Lest haply, after he hath laid the foundation, and is not able to finish it, all that behold it begin to mock him, Saying, This man began to build, and was not able to finish. Or what king, going to make war against another king, sitteth not down first, and consulteth whether he be able with ten thousand to meet him that cometh against him with twenty thousand? Or else, while the other is yet a great way off, he sendeth an ambassage, and desireth conditions of peace. So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple (Luke 14:26-33).

Now, let's talk about forsaking all that a person hath. When you stood at the altar, you may have said something along these lines: "I promise to love, honor, and cherish you . . . forsaking all others, as long as we both shall live." Sound familiar? Whom, may I ask, do you think the "forsaking all others" refers to? I will tell you whom this phrase refers to. It is referring to all others. Simple enough? Many times we get so excited about planning the wedding and getting the dress that we neglect to focus much attention on what we are actually going to say at the altar. Nonetheless, when we stand there saying words like these, we have just officially promised in the sight of all the people and of course our Lord and Savior, Jesus, that we are going to forsake all others to be with this man. So, if you said something like this at the altar, why then are you wrestling with giving up your past friendships? Did you mean what you said? I will tell you, even if you never meant it, you said it, and if you said it, you have to live by it. Breaking this part of your marriage vow is just as critical as if your husband broke his and didn't cherish you.

The next question you might ask is, _How in the world do I tell my best friend of seventeen years, "See you later"?_ Well, first of all, you don't have to be rude. Neither should you hide from your friend. Simply talk to your friend honestly about your desire to please your husband. If your friend is a friend indeed, your friend will have no problem understanding. Sure, it may not be easy, but they will understand. Friends, however, that put you in a position to make you feel like you are choosing your husband over them might take some work, but assure them that you don't have ill against them. You just want to set yourself up in your marriage to have no competing emotions. If your friend refuses to understand your position, then your decision should be obvious. You must say good-bye.

Some years ago, I got a semi-new car, and I was excited when we brought it home that night. I almost felt nervous driving it home because I was not sure of all its features. I drove it home very cautiously, but I was excited at the same time. I did, however, have one slight problem—my old car. I did not want to see my old car go. Even though it was not as nice as the new car, I wanted to hold on to it. I remember waking up the next day, going out to the garage, and looking at my new car. I knew it was there, but somehow I was drawn back to the old one that was still sitting in the driveway. So, I spent a few minutes with the new car and then spent the rest of my time with the old one. You might think I'm crazy—it's just a car, but as long as my old car was in the driveway, I couldn't enjoy the new car in the garage. In a similar way, when we get married, we have now entered into a new world, and it's not necessary to keep the old. The old has served its purpose in our lives for that time, and even though you were grateful for it, you no longer need it in spite of what you might think. So, even though it might be hard, don't keep your old friends in the driveway while you have a new husband waiting for you inside.

Part II

CLEAVING

"What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder."

-Matthew 19:6

I believe Jesus defined the term cleaving for us well when He said, "What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder" Matthew 19:6. Cleaving means joining or to glue upon. When we get married, God is gluing us to our husbands and just as glue needs to have the right materials to make it adhere, similarly we as wives must have the right materials in place to make us stick to our husbands. In part II of this book, we will examine what those specific materials are, as taught by Scripture, and see if we can help you to be good wife material.

Chapter 7

Love

"That they may teach the young women to love their husbands"

-Titus 2:4

Some have taught that being loving comes naturally for women. Have you ever heard that statement or something similar? I disagree. This is simply not true. We all have to be taught to love, and, yes, that means even Christians. The Bible teaches us in Titus 2:4 that the older women must teach the younger women to love their husbands. If this was a natural behavior, there would be no need to learn it.

So, you ask, _How do I love my husband?_ Well, love is demonstrative, and 1 Corinthians 13, which is also known as the "Love Chapter," gives us an excellent idea of how that love has to manifest itself in our lives. It tells us,

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.

Seems unattainable, does it not? We must remember that love is a fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22), and just as natural fruit takes time to bear, so is it with spiritual fruit. Learning to love our husbands will take time and practice. We must cultivate it in our lives. It will not happen overnight or come naturally. Sure, we might feel warm and fuzzy feelings for them, but this is not love.

Choice and Not a Feeling

Love is not a feeling. Many people say things like, "I am falling in love." They are not falling in love, they are falling in lust. We don't fall in love. We choose to love. I choose to love my husband. It is a choice not a feeling. Your feelings will change, but your love shouldn't. There may be things about your husband that disappoint you, but choose to love him anyway. He is your husband to love. Don't let your feelings dictate your actions toward him.

You may have heard about some people who have had arranged marriages. Do you know that these people make a deliberate choice that they are going to love their spouse regardless of what he or she looks like? For some of us, that might be difficult, but when I think back on the love story between Isaac and Rebekah, he and she lived a happy life-long marriage together even though neither of them had ever seen each other before they got married. The Scriptures record,

And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide: and he lifted up his eyes, and saw, and, behold, the camels were coming. And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel. For she had said unto the servant, What man is this that walketh in the field to meet us? And the servant had said, It is my master: therefore she took a vail, and covered herself. And the servant told Isaac all things that he had done. And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her (Genesis 24:63-67).

Not seeing each other beforehand, once Rebekah and Isaac got married, they chose to enjoy each other and have fun together. Another part of Genesis records, "And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife" (Genesis 26:8). You see, just as others have made a choice to love, we must also learn that being loving is a choice. Remember, Jesus did not feel like going to the cross for us, but He set his face like a flint and did it anyway. We know this because of what He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane. He chose to love us.

Being Truthful

My maternal grandfather had a saying that apparently made a lasting impression on my mother's mind. He would say, "Speak the truth, and speak it ever. Let it come what may." Truthfulness seems to be so rare in our day even in the simplest of things. I know a man who told my husband that he did not like his wife's spaghetti sauce, but instead of telling her, he basically acted as if he liked it.

Lack of truth is not just present among husbands and wives but with many Christians as a whole. For instance, if a sister goes to her Christian neighbor and says, "I noticed that you seem a little bothered by me," her neighbor might respond, "Oh no. I don't have a problem with you." In reality, however, deep down, her neighbor is terribly bothered.

How often have we seen something like this? It happens all the time among brethren, and it is something God hates. He says, "These are the things that ye shall do; Speak ye every man the truth to his neighbour; execute the judgment of truth and peace in your gates: And let none of you imagine evil in your hearts against his neighbour; and love no false oath: for all these are things that I hate, saith the LORD" (Zechariah 8:16-17).

What does this have to do with love? You see, your love for your husband will be best demonstrated in the ways you treat him and talk to him. That's right, talk to him. I am not talking about rudeness or being loud with him, although we should not be like this either. I am talking about something in addition to that. You see, in the list of 1 Corinthians 13 above, there is a phrase that says love "rejoices in the truth." I am talking about speaking truthfully with our husbands. How are you talking to your husband? Are you open and candid with him?

Somehow, we, as wives, get the idea in our minds, perhaps it is something we have heard said or maybe we've read it somewhere, that being a good wife requires us to sit quietly and shut our mouths. While there may be times and places for that, sitting quietly and shutting our mouths can lead us into a lot of unnecessary pain. There are times we must speak up. Learning to be truthful with our husbands is one of those times. By doing so, you will demonstrate love toward your husband.

I know of a wife who seems quite discontent with her husband and the way he chooses to live his life. Instead of telling him what makes her uncomfortable, he is left to guess. This attitude can be quite destructive to any marriage. For one thing, it sets up the relationship to have a strain. In this case, it also causes the wife to be weighed down with all kinds of unnecessary cares. I also know of a man who told me, regretfully, that he never really knew what his wife was truly thinking.

Remember, the Scriptures admonish us to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). It also tells us in Ephesians 4:25, "Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another." Speaking truthfully to our husbands is critical. This is one of the many things that I had to learn. We are people given to lies. We are told that as soon as we come out of the womb, we speak lies (Psalm 58:3). Isn't that so true. Have you ever noticed that you don't have to teach a child how to tell a lie? They already know how to lie. You do, however, have to teach them to tell the truth.

Why am I stressing this? Sometimes, we can become angry and bitter when we fail to communicate openly and truthfully with our husbands, even in the simplest of things. I wonder if that is why verse 26 of Ephesians 4 follows verse 25. Let me explain. Verse 25 states, "Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another." Verse 26 states, "Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath." Why do you think this verse might follow verse 25? Could it be that we are prone to feel upset if we don't speak the truth? I would reckon so. Think about it, how many times have you been upset with your husband, feeling churned inside by something he did, but you didn't tell him? Instead, you pretended everything was fine. Attempting to give him this impression, however, will lead you to become angry and have bottled-up bitterness toward him.

You see, the Lord has created us with a release valve. It is called speaking the truth. This means that when the pressure gets intense, we don't have to explode. Instead, we can release the pressure through that valve. It is up to us to use it, or lose it. I am choosing to use it. What about you? I know being truthful is not easy because it exposes our frailties and makes us vulnerable, but being truthful is an act of love.

Let's say, for instance, your husband likes to go to the beach because he likes fishing. You, on the other hand, are a little uncomfortable with that because you don't like how the people dress on the beach. Why not tell him the truth? Remember, Jesus said, "the truth shall make you free" (John 8:32). You might be surprised at how liberating and beneficial that little piece of information can be in bringing you closer to your husband and him to you.

You might say, _I feel terribly afraid to speak truthfully to my husband because I will look weak and even be embarrassed._ Know this: the devil loves to erect barriers of fear when we have to tell each other the truth. I encourage you, break through those barriers and speak the truth to your husband. "Let it come what may." You will have a happier God and a happier home.

Simple Demonstrations of Love

Before I move on to the next section, let me share with you a few simple and practical ways you can demonstrate love toward your husband.

1. Prepare his breakfast. If you are a stay-at-home wife, for example, perhaps you can wake up early to prepare your husband's breakfast. This is an act of love—seeking not your own (sleep).

2. Write him love notes. Jotting your husband little love notes is a task that is not so laborious. Maybe, you can place these love notes throughout the house or in his lunch bin or on his steering wheel.

3. Greet him. Greet your husband well when you wake up, and when he comes home from work. I once heard a lady say that her dog greeted her husband better than she did when he got home from work. She said, when she realized that her husband was giving the dog all of his attention, she decided to do something about that. The next time her husband was about to come home, she rushed over to front door and pushed that dog out of the way so that she could be the first one to greet him. Sounds humorous, but this dog provoked this lady to love her husband.

4. Tell him you love him. I know a woman who does an excellent job of caring for her home, yet, I don't recall ever hearing her tell her husband that she loves him. Some of you might say, Well, he knows I love him! While that might be true, everyone likes to hear it mentioned. God not only demonstrated that He loved us, but He also told us, "As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you" (John 15:9).

Chapter 8

Reverencing

"And the wife see that she reverence her husband."

-Ephesians 5:33

In the culture in which we live, more and more, we are seeing men treated as second-class citizens. Women, on the other hand, are advancing, getting preferential treatment, and having the upper-hand, all because they are of the female gender. This happens at work, at church, at home, at school, or wherever women are. Even among children.

As an example, as a teacher, my husband says that quite often he has seen girls hit boys and get away with it; whereas, if the boys hit the girls they are punished quite severely. We hear phrases like, "She's a lady," "There is a woman present," and "Respect the lady," but almost never do you hear anything about how to treat the man. Why? A gross lack of respect for the male gender has entered into our society. They have been demeaned by television sitcoms, overpowered by loud and brawling women, manipulated, bossed around, and reduced to not having a brain.

The Scriptures, however, do not place this kind of backward approach onto men. Instead, they have been elevated and glorified in God's sight. (It is no wonder the devil wants to tear them down.) We are taught that they are the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 11:7-10 tells us that "he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. For the man is not of the woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man."

At this point, you might be thinking, _What about me?_ May I say that this is exactly what the feminist agenda hopes we will think! The devil uses this kind of thinking to make us gloss over what the will of God is for our lives. We are not to entertain thoughts like these. This world wants to indoctrinate and condition us to focus in on ourselves, but we must choose to think differently because we have a different instruction manual. The only way we will overcome the feminists agendas of this world, which we know is a ploy of the enemy to counteract the order of God, is to start believing what the Bible tells us to do.

Don't become confused, however, and think you were not also created in the image of God. Genesis 1:27 states, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." We were both created in the image of God, but we are not both the glory of God. It is the man who is the glory of God, and we are the glory of the man. Can you imagine what an honor it is to be a man? To know that you are the glory of God. If God places such an emphasis on the man, making him the splendor and brightness of His attention, why then should we try to tear men down. Let's give them the reverence that they are due.

Fearing Your Husband

You might hear the term "reverence" and think it's a term designated for God alone, but the term "reverence" is what the Scripture uses to describe how we ought to treat our husbands. It is a command from God through the Apostle Paul to us. Ephesians 5:33b states, "and the wife see that she reverence her husband." What does reverencing our husbands mean? Well, if we are going to cleave to our husbands properly, we must have a reverential fear for them.

At this point you might be thinking that I have lost my mind, but let me assure you, it is all here. Some have tried to soften down what this word really means, but the idea here is fear. That's right. Fear your husband. There is nothing wrong with being afraid of your husband if you have a godly fear for him. This kind of attitude will help us stay in line, and believe it or not, will help us have peace. I know it sounds like an oxymoron, but it is true.

Think about your relationship with God. The Scriptures admonish us on numerous occasions to fear God. Psalms 89:7 records, "God is greatly to be feared in the assembly of the saints, and to be had in reverence of all them that are about him." Do you think this kind of fear for God is a plaything? It is not only a respect for our Creator, but it is a genuine fear of Him. He is the King of Glory. Who should not be afraid of Him? Ultimately, the way people treat God is similar to how they treat others. If women don't fear their God, how can they fear their husbands. If, however, you have a genuine fear for God, then reverencing your husband is not difficult.

A woman who might not quickly come to mind as one who showed reverence for her husband is Bathsheba. Quite often, when we think of Bathsheba, the first thought that comes to mind is David's sin with her, but Bathsheba is noted for reverencing her husband. One would think, after all this woman had gone through with this man, David—he killed her husband, took her to be his wife, had other wives besides her, etc..., that she would show him great contempt. Bathsheba, as far as we know, never demonstrated any kind of hatred towards David. Rather, when she came before Him, she showed him great respect. The Scriptures record of her, "And Bathsheba bowed, and did obeisance unto the king. . . Then Bathsheba bowed with her face to the earth, and did reverence to the king, and said, Let my lord king David live for ever" (1 King 1:16,31). Isn't that way better than for her to say, "I wish you were dead."

Irreverent

Unlike Bathsheba, sometimes we, as wives, can fall into habits that clearly show that we don't reverence our husbands. For instance, one of those habits is scolding them. Have you ever scolded your husband? If you are alive, then there is probably a good chance that you have done so. Scolding our husbands is a habit we can easily form especially if we witnessed it as a child. It's one thing to be upset with our husbands, but it is another thing when we start reprimanding them. Do you remember what happened to Michal, another one of King David's wives, when she reprimanded her husband? One day, Michal was so upset with David because of the way he unashamedly danced before the Lord that she went out to meet him and said, "How glorious was the king of Israel to day, who uncovered himself to day in the eyes of the handmaids of his servants, as one of the vain fellows shamelessly uncovereth himself!" (2 Samuel 6:20). For this bold statement, Michal suffered for the rest of her life. David's response to her was, "And I will yet be more vile than thus, and will be base in mine own sight: and of the maidservants which thou hast spoken of, of them shall I be had in honour" (2 Samuel 6:22). The Bible then lets us know that, "Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death" (2 Samuel 6:23). Michal was punished for scolding her husband. Thank God we live in a time of great grace—a time in which we can quickly repent asking God to forgive us if we mess up. As wives, we must learn to submit ourselves to our husbands "as unto the Lord" (Ephesians 5:22). Would we talk to the Lord this way? Would we scold Him?

One time when my husband and I visited a church, I heard him make a statement about a lady that made me stop and think. At this particular church, my husband deliberately extended his right hand to greet this lady. Instead of following his lead and shaking his hand, she decided to by-pass his hand and throw a hug his way. She wanted to greet him her own way, not his. Well, when he had a convenient time, he told me, "This woman does not have respect for men." Ladies, we might be surprised to know what men are really thinking about us, so be careful to respect them. Don't get in the habit of treating them poorly. As far as I know, there are only two people the Bible (KJV) specifically tells us to reverence. One is God; the other is our husband. For this reason, it is critical that we don't take this admonition lightly.

Chapter 9

Obedient

"That they may teach the young women to be . . . obedient to their own husbands."

-Titus 2:4–5

The Labor Day sale had finally arrived, and Shirley and Ram were excited. Since the beginning of the year, they had wanted to buy a new bookshelf for their office. So, they headed out the door and jumped into their pick-up truck. When they arrived at the store, they patiently inspected the bookshelves and finally picked out one that they liked. As Ram started to load the bookshelf onto the bed of the truck, however, Shirley quickly jumped in and said, "I would like for you to stand it up."

Ram responded, "I don't think we should do that. It could fall over while we drive."

Shirley insisted that he should stand it up, but Ram still resisted. They went on like this for some time until Ram finally stood the bookshelf up at Shirley's persistence. During their drive home, the brand new bookshelf toppled over into the back of the truck.

"I told you so!"

"Well . . ."

Obeying our husbands is not a subject most wives want to hear. Just hearing the word might make us want to cringe. Nonetheless, if we as Christian wives want to be found right in the sight of our Lord, we must learn to be obedient to our husbands. The Apostle Paul says that the older women need to teach the younger women to be "obedient to their own husbands" (Titus 2:5). It is not something we get automatically. We must be taught it, and the Lord will put us in situations where we will have to learn it.

I recall when my husband asked me to refrain from giving homeless people food on the streets. Concerned for my safety, he did not want me to do so. While it had seemed quite easy to listen to him, the next time I was at the grocery store a homeless man asked me for help, and my heart strings were definitely pulled. I quickly remembered what my husband asked of me, and I moved on my way. You see, practicing obedience is much harder than giving a homeless guy some food. You might be thinking, How can you not give a hungry man something to eat?

May I remind you, even Jesus, when He was on the earth, had to learn obedience. "Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered" (Hebrews 5:8). If Jesus had to learn obedience, why shouldn't we? It is part of our maturing in the Lord. The Apostle Peter says we will be like the daughters of Sarah if we are obedient. He writes, "Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement" (1 Peter 3:6). In spite of the Scripture's admonitions, many objections have been raised to a wife's obedience to her husband. We will look at two obvious objections then examine what obeying our husbands really means. We will also consider how our obedience to them will be of benefit to us.

Objection #1 – I Can't Obey Him. He Is Terrible at Making Decisions.

There may be times in our marriages where we simply cannot afford to be obedient to our husbands. For instance, your spouse might ask you to tell a lie by fudging on the taxes (I hope, if you are married to a Christian, this is not the case). Nevertheless, for the sake of illustration, you simply cannot jeopardize your stance with the Lord. While we do have to be obedient to our husbands, we must realize that we must live holy before the Lord. Therefore, if our husbands ask us to commit a sin (like lying), then we must take our stance for Christ and refuse to lie. Do you recall the sobering story of Ananias and his wife, Sapphira? They sold a piece of land and lied about how much money they received. Instead of refusing to tell a lie with her husband, Sapphira, when questioned separately from her husband by the Apostle Peter, joined with her husband and agreed to tell the lie. "Then Peter said unto her, How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the Spirit of the Lord? behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out. Then fell she down straightway at his feet, and yielded up the ghost: and the young men came in, and found her dead, and, carrying her forth, buried her by her husband" (Acts 5:1-11). We must guard against listening to our husbands in this way.

However, when such is not the case, and it is not an issue of morality but just basic decisions, then we must give heed to our husbands. Sometimes, saying this scares women because we are afraid of the outcome of our husbands' decisions. This is especially true if our husbands have made poor decisions in the past. Nevertheless, we must learn to care less about the outcome of our husbands' decisions than we do our obedience. Even though the outcome of their decisions might frighten us and put us in awkward positions, we must learn to trust God to take care of us regardless of what our husbands do.

Do you recall Sarah's story? On two separate occasions, Sarah was placed in a position by her husband to tell lies. According to Genesis, while traveling into foreign territory, Abraham was so afraid for his safety because of Sarah's beauty that he told her to tell the people that she was his sister instead of his wife. Not only did Sarah's husband put her in a compromising position to lie, but he also put her in situations where she could be taken as someone else's wife. And that she was, on two different occasions. In spite of Abraham's decisions, however, God, faithfully intervened on Sarah's behalf and rescued her on both occasions from the men who took her as their wife (Genesis 12:10-20; 20:1-3). I love how God talked to one of the men that took Sarah to be his wife. He told the man, "Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man's wife." Wouldn't you like God to step in like this in your life, with such might and power to protect you? Guess what? He will, if you trust Him.

There is no question that there are times when our husbands may make poor choices. Sometimes their decisions can be so poor that they will put us in a pickle, as in the case with Sarah, but Sarah obeyed her husband. You might be thinking, Wait a minute, Sarah lied? We must keep in mind that things were a little different in Old Testament times. For one thing, sin was not imputed until the law came. Paul states, "For until the law sin was in the world: but sin is not imputed when there is no law" (Romans 5:13). Nevertheless, even though their plan was poor, God provided a way out of both of those disastrous decisions Abraham made. We must not become worried over the outcomes of the poor decisions our husbands make. We need to simply trust God in those situations to help us be obedient to our husbands.

Objection #2 - I Can't Obey Him. I Don't Know Where He Is Headed.

For some of us women, we think having all the information before we make a decision to obey our husbands is essential; however, obeying our husbands also means that we will not need to have all of the information or knowledge about something before going along with their plan. Requiring knowledge beforehand can actually be counterproductive to our obedience. Let me illustrate something that my husband taught me related to the danger of seeking knowledge first. Picture the Garden of Eden in your mind. Everything was beautiful and right—a wonderful world to live in. But, Eve had a choice to make. On one hand, she had the tree of life. On the other hand, she had the tree of knowledge. By choosing knowledge, she forfeited life. For some people, the only way they want to come to God is through knowledge, but Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me" (John 14:6). These people want to search out all the facts, read all the manuscripts, and learn everything about God before they will come to Him. The Bible teaches us, however, that it is through faith we are saved—not knowledge. When people look to knowledge for answers, they will abandon obedience to God. By choosing knowledge, man couldn't have life and are, therefore, became dead: "But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die" (Genesis 2:17). Does this give you a sobering view of what happens when you want to know everything?

You see, when we come to Christ, accept Him into our hearts, and obey Him, we don't have to know everything about Him first. You may be asking, _How does this relate to me cleaving to my husband?_ When you want to know everything, you bypass obedience. When you choose to ignore his suggestions because you think your way is better, you bypass obedience. Our thirst for knowledge can separate us from being obedient to our husbands. Just like Eve's thirst for knowledge separated her from God.

Choosing to Listen

In learning to be obedient to our husbands, we must practice being attentive listeners. This is what the word obey actually means: to "listen attentively." In other words, we don't just hear what our husbands say, but we hear it and put weight into it. This is not always easy. Sometimes, we, as wives, can hear our husbands, but we hear so lightly that we can quickly dismiss their advice or comments to us. We might be surprised at how many times our husbands are actually leading us in the right way.

As example, not so long ago, some friends of ours wanted to make a decision about a certain matter relating to their pastor. The wife was grieving over this intense situation and wanted some more clarification on how to handle the matter. Her husband told her, "Why not give so-and-so a call." The wife, however, decided to call someone else instead of the person her husband recommended. After the wife did not get through with the person she wanted to contact, she decided to call the person that her husband had originally suggested. When she did, she got the answer she was looking for. Her husband then told her, "I told you to call her the first time."

You see, our husbands will tell us their opinions on things, and we must be careful to tune in our ears to attentively hear them when they speak if we want to practice obedience. It may be that the Lord Himself is placing us in these situations with our husbands so as to test our level of obedience to them and to Him.

I am reminded of a man in the Old Testament who faced a similar challenge of obeying God. In 1 Kings 13, God sent a prophet to talk to a king who was not doing the right thing. The Lord told the prophet when you get there don't to eat anything; just give the message and leave. The prophet did exactly what the Lord asked him and then headed back home. On his way home, however, a false prophet tried to persuade him to come back to the town and eat and drink with him. The prophet refused, but after hearing the false prophet say that the Lord told him to tell him this, the prophet went back with him and ate and drank. After the prophet finished eating and drinking, the Lord said to him,

Forasmuch as thou hast disobeyed the mouth of the LORD, and hast not kept the commandment which the LORD thy God commanded thee, But camest back, and hast eaten bread and drunk water in the place, of the which the LORD did say to thee, Eat no bread, and drink no water; thy carcase shall not come unto the sepulchre of thy fathers. And it came to pass, after he had eaten bread, and after he had drunk, that he saddled for him the ass, to wit, for the prophet whom he had brought back. And when he was gone, a lion met him by the way, and slew him: and his carcase was cast in the way, and the ass stood by it, the lion also stood by the carcase" (21-24).

I want to choose to go the route of learning obedience even if it goes against my grain. What about you?

Benefits of Obedience

When my husband was enrolled in school, he asked me to handle all of his financial aid transactions. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, it wasn't. In attempting to help him, I came across a lady at his school who did not seem so nice. In an effort to help me, my husband suggested that he call his school and have them switch him to another representative. Guess what I said? "No, I can handle it." Sure, I could. I eventually realized that I should have listened to him. In doing so, I would have spared myself some additional stress. He later called his school and switched representatives, and I was happier in spirit.

There are several benefits to being obedient to your husband. I will briefly outline three of these.

• **Peace** – You see, when we choose to obey our husbands, we will experience peace because we will be in compliance with the Scriptures. Anytime we obey the Scriptures, no matter how hard that thing may seem that is asked of us, we will have peace because we will be pleasing unto God. This is a glorious benefit.

• **Happy Husbands** – When we obey, we will benefit by having happier husbands. When our husbands see that we are deliberately taking care to listen to them, they will be happy. My husband tells me that sometimes he has to be very careful when he speaks because now when he says something, I regard it so quickly. But, it also makes him feel encouraged that I would listen to him. If our husbands are encouraged, guess who gets to reap the rewards?

• **Guidance** – Another wonderful benefit of obeying our husbands is that we have someone to guide us. Often, I will get some idea in my mind that I think is right but after consulting with my husband, I find I am able to make a better decision. Have you noticed that in your own marriage?

In short, we must learn to obey our husbands whether in small or big decisions. Ephesians 5:24 states that we should subject ourselves to our own husbands in "every thing." Notice "every thing" not "some things." This is critical if we are going to cleave to them well. Now, I am not saying that we shouldn't share our ideas or opinions with them. No, we need to help them, but we must not force our way upon them. At times, they may make decisions that go against our desires and do poorly, at other times, they will do things that work out great. The outcome of their behavior, however, is not the determining factor in learning to obey them.

If we get in the habit of doing things our own way and ignoring our husbands' suggestions, even if we get it right, we will get it wrong. Why? We are asserting ourselves instead of asserting our husbands. When we assert ourselves, we strengthen their dependence on us instead of asserting them in the role God has called them to play. By doing so, you will ultimately make your husband into a feeble being, and thus, the whole men don't have a brain mentality. I challenge you to start doing what your husband say. Obey him today.

Chapter 10

Chaste

"That they may teach the young women to be . . . chaste."

-Titus 2:4, 5

When you think of the word "chaste," what comes to mind? For me, when I learned that wives needed to be chaste, one of my thoughts was, Why would the Apostles tell married women to be chaste? To me, this was a strange thing to say to women who had husbands. After all, it would only seem fitting to apply this directive to unmarried women who must learn to live pure, but married women? It didn't seem to make sense. As time went on, however, I started to realize that married women do indeed need to learn to be chaste.

With so much of the emphasis being placed on what a husband should look at, or think on (his thought life), etc..., wives can be easily overlooked in this area. Many assume that being chaste is not such a big problem for women. This is a faulty perception. If it was not such a big problem for women, the Apostles would not have made it a point to teach that women need to be taught to be chaste. (I am always amazed at how, when a man falls into sin with a woman, so much of the emphasis is placed on the guy falling that we sometimes fail to realize that he didn't fall by himself. A woman was involved.) Many wives can indeed struggle with their purity just like their husbands can.

One can think chastity will come naturally once a person gets married. Unfortunately, it is not always that simple. No matter how good looking, smart, or wealthy a woman's husband is, she can still be tempted with sexual sins. An obvious example that comes to mind is Potiphar's wife. Even though, her husband was a wealthy man, Mrs. Potiphar had longing eyes for her husband's employee, Joseph. The Scriptures record, "Joseph was well-built and handsome, and Potiphar's wife soon noticed him. She asked him to make love to her, but he refused" (Genesis 39:6-8 CEV). The New Living Translation puts it this way, "She kept putting pressure on him day after day, but he refused to sleep with her, and he kept out of her way as much as possible." Isn't it a shame that the only notable thing recorded in history about Mrs. Potiphar was that she was an unchaste wife? She, unfortunately, is not the only example.

Many married women today are also wrestling with similar feelings of lust and adulterous thoughts. One day, a married woman, who was interested in my husband, actually called our cell phone thinking that she was calling my husband. When I picked up the phone, she was shocked. Not knowing what to say, she quickly rambled on. When the apostles, Paul and Peter, wrote that wives should be chaste in Titus 2:5 and 1 Peter 3:2, respectively, it was an obviously necessary directive that they were giving. Chastity must be taught and learned. If we fail to teach chastity, others will teach us how not to be chaste.

I remember several years ago browsing through the women's section of the library when I came across an interesting book. I don't remember the exact title, but it was similar to, _How to Flirt With Men_. I was shocked. I couldn't believe someone would actually try to teach women such unchaste behaviors. Nevertheless, they are being taught. Wives who fail to adhere to the principles taught in Scripture will inevitably be deceived into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side and flirt with their sexuality in a manner that will cause them to be impure.

Actions of an Unchaste Woman

My husband often shares with me the various actions women will do to get his attention. The actions of these women can be bold and brazen or quite subtle. In the list below, I have identified some actions that we have observed. This list may help you recognize unchaste behaviors that might be present even in your own life.

• Playing with her hair. A woman might be tempted to flip her hair from one side to the next, or just twirl part of it with her fingers if she is trying to get a man's attention.

• Making noise. To get a man's attention, a woman might make loud or distracting noises. Isaiah records, "They wear anklets that jingle and call attention to the way they walk" (3:16, CEV). My husband presently works with a woman who does all kinds of silly things to get him to look at her. She talks loud, taps her fingers, slaps her thighs, etc.

• Wearing bold perfumes. I realize some women like bold scents, and I don't know that there is anything wrong with this, but when a woman wears her perfume with the intention of getting a man's attention, then this is a problem.

• Laughing and giggling. Some women will purposefully laugh at a man's jokes, even if his jokes are not funny. Some will laugh even if there is no joke at all. As an example, one of my husband's co-workers just said, "Good morning," to one of the women at the workplace, instead of responding in kind, the woman turned it into a time to laugh with him.

• Winking or rolling her eyes. Believe it or not, there are actually some women who will deliberately wink or roll their eyes at a man—maybe to communicate her interest in him. "The Lord says: The women of Jerusalem are proud and strut around, winking shamelessly" (Isaiah 3:16, CEV).

• Standing or leaning close. Some women will make it a point to invade a man's space by standing very close to him. Others will bend, stretch, or lean themselves over in front of a man. One time, my husband went for a job interview. The lady interviewer chose to dance and twirl herself in front of him while he filled out the application.

• Touching him. To flirt with a man, many women will stretch out their hands to give him that friendly touch—like a pat on the back, or on the forearm. They may even rest their hand on his shoulder.

• Shunning away from talking about their own spouse. If there is a man present for whom they have eyes, some women will deliberately avoid talking about their own spouse or significant other. Once, my husband and I attended a church where this happened. We saw the pastor's daughter sitting closely to a man during services and assumed that they were married based on how intimate they appeared. We had met the man, and he had been nice to us. One Sunday, however, when we walked through the front door, we were greeted by the pastor's daughter. My husband told her that we had met her husband. She quickly responded, "Oh, that's just a guy I sit with." I doubt she would have said this if he had been present.

• Emailing or writing smiley faces and lots of exclamation marks. You might think this is crazy, but some women will flirt with a man using subtle actions like a friendly email with extra smiley faces or exclamation marks.

• Flattering. Some women can speak very smoothly to a man. Actually, that is what the term flattery means when used in this context—smooth. You've heard the term smooth-talking, right? I was standing in line one day at the grocery store and the cashier looked at a handsome man behind me and said something like, "How can I help you, sweetheart." While that might be a common phrase, it seemed like there was more behind her words. I thought to myself, If this man was going through a problem with his wife right now, with this lady talking so nicely to him, why he might just come back for some more. The Bible says that a man should stay away from a woman like this. "To keep thee from the evil woman, from the flattery of the tongue of a strange woman" (Proverbs 6:24).

• Dressing provocatively. A woman may wear things that are see-through, low-cut, short, or very tight to get a man's attention. Do we really need an example?

After reading a list like this, you might be thinking, _You are so off-base._ Some of the things you are talking about are so trivial. None of these things demonstrate that a wife is unchaste. The term chastity means to be pure and is normally applied to a person's sexuality. It is not just physical relations, but it involves imaginations, desires, and, yes, actions. Remember, it was Jesus who said, "But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart" (Matthew 5:28). These actions, as well as other similar ones, might seem like small and innocent actions, like stretching for instance, but the spirit behind these actions can be quite alarming. Wives don't suddenly fall into bed with another man. Certain actions prompt this behavior.

The Battle for Chastity

The reasons wives struggle to be chaste may vary. They may include lust, flirtatious men, dissatisfaction at home, and any number of other temptations. When it comes to the battle for chastity, fortunately, I do have good news. We can walk victoriously in this area! Here are several things you can employ immediately.

First of all, we must start by repenting. I know this sounds simple, but repentance is an amazing gift the Lord has given us. It really is a gift. It is an easy way to start fixing the problems in our lives. If you truly want to walk with the Lord and be serious about living pure before Him, start by bringing your words of repentance to Him. Start by saying something like this: Lord Jesus, I am sorry for behaving like an unchaste woman. I repent to You and ask that You will forgive me and make me clean.

Once you have repented before the Lord—which I told you was easy—there is another part that is not so easy. If you want to have complete victory, the second thing you must do is learn to mortify (Colossians 3:5). Mortify means to put to death. When it comes to dealing with the battle over the flesh, you can't go to a rehab center or go through some nine-step program to fix your problem. You must mortify the things that cause you to stumble. Jesus says, "And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire" (Mark 9:47). What does this mean? How many times do we hear of some person falling into the sin of pornography? If the internet or the television screen or the reading materials you are choosing are a hindrance to your purity, cut them off.

Wives who view television shows or movies that depict women sleeping around (especially soap operas and shows with similar content) will start to become desensitized to what holiness looks like. If a wife is constantly watching adultery and fornication on the screen, she will struggle with her thought life and perhaps fantasize about being with other men instead of her husband.

Reading worldly magazines and books can also strengthen a wife's struggle. For instance, magazines that share all the gossip on celebrities and show nudity should not be read by Christian women. Neither should Christian women read romance novels or other books that involve love-making scenes. Listening to worldly radio stations or to talk shows that promote the things I mentioned above will also defile a wife. If you currently hang out with people who are always making adulterous or lustful statements, stop hanging around those people. Don't let those things influence your thought life and actions. Whatever the source, cut it off. How can you think on these things and still be pure?

In addition to cutting off sources of input, it will be necessary to mortify ungodly behaviors that may have become habits. For instance, if you are tempted to twirl your hair when a man is around, practice not touching your hair at all. If you like to giggle with men, lean over, wink, or any other type of attention seeking gesture, then you need to mortify these habits. If you don't, you will never be chaste.

The third thing I suggest (this does not necessarily have to be done in this order) is to practice James 5:16. Sometimes, we can have a struggle with something like chastity and keep it a secret. We may want to overcome that problem and think, Well, if I stop watching certain shows or stop hanging around certain people everything is going to get better. While these things are important and necessary to do, practicing James 5:16 will help us to strengthen our commitment to overcome this struggle. Now, before I continue, you might be wondering, What in the world is James 5:16 talking about? Here it is: "Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed." This is not very easy to do because it exposes our frailties; nevertheless, we should do it. I would suggest starting with your spouse. Go to him and tell him that you are having a struggle with being chaste. Now, you might be thinking, Well, I didn't commit physical adultery with anyone. While that might be so, if you have ever lusted over another man and you have not properly repented to your husband for doing so, start by telling him sorry and asking him to forgive you. Going back to James 5:16, once you have cleared the air with the Lord and your husband and are practicing cutting out stumbling blocks, ask your husband to pray for you concerning your chastity. Remember, the last five words of James 5:16 say, "that ye may be healed." This is the whole bottom line. I want you to be healed, so that you can be an overcomer in this struggle.

The fourth thing I suggest is pray. Pray when unclean or impure thoughts come to your mind. You can't always control what comes into your mind, or sight, or even ears, but when you know that you have taken deliberate steps to remain chaste and the devil is still bombarding your mind, pray. We must constantly be on guard so that our minds don't wonder off into areas they shouldn't. If we allow impure thoughts in our lives, even if we don't physically engage in outward and blatant adultery, we have committed adultery in our hearts. Pray that the Lord will rebuke those demonic spirits that would like to take your thoughts captive. Use Scripture verses like Isaiah 59:19, 2 Corinthians 10:4-5, and John 8:36 as prayers. Be on guard ladies. Sexual sins are not just rampant among young people but married people as well. Perhaps that is why Jesus would say, "A wicked and adulterous generation" (Matthew 16:4). We must constantly be on guard through the help of the Holy Spirit to overcome these kinds of thoughts. Taking authority over demonic spirits that want to cause us to sin before God will help us live victoriously in our minds as well as in our actions.

Wives must remember that we represent the Church, as I have stated earlier in part I, and with that being the case, just as the Church is called to live a life of chastity, so are we called to live a life of chastity. Paul says of the Church, "For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present you as a chaste virgin to Christ" (2 Corinthians 11:2). Paul was very concerned that the Church would become defiled by false doctrine and other gods when he presented her to Christ. When wives are led astray by their own lusts to follow after other men, then they can be likened unto a church that embraces other gods. Therefore, as wives, we must be careful to ensure that we are faithful to the men that we have married. Failure in this area will result in corruption not just of the home, but of the Church.

I hope this section has helped you. The principles taught here about overcoming your struggle with chastity can be used in other areas of struggle as well. They are not limited to just this section. I hope you will exercise yourself in these principles, so that you can move on from glory to glory with our Lord.

Chapter 11

Adornment

"In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel."

-1 Timothy 2:9

Not "What"

The battle over what a woman should wear seems to have been going on for ages in churches. Questions have been raised like, Is it okay for women to wear pants, or should they wear skirts and dresses? If so, how long should their skirts and dresses be? These types of questions have caused many brethren to be at odds. Some contend that if a woman wears pants then she is acting like a man because pants are for men. Others might argue that pants are okay because they are more covering. What's your stance on the issue? Do you even have a stance?

In researching the Scriptures, I have found that the Bible does not specifically tell women what to wear on the outside. Those who argue against pants, however, may cite Deuteronomy 22:5 which states, "The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God." Notwithstanding, in examining this verse, a woman is not specifically commanded against wearing pants. In addition, this verse is not reiterated in the New Testament. I believe the idea presented in Scripture, as it relates to the woman's attire, is that women need to shop in the women's department and men need to shop in the men's. Concerning the issue of whether to wear pants or skirts and dresses, neither seems to be wrong, nor is one better than the other. Furthermore, at one time, and still in some countries today, men wear skirts and long robes. Do we tell them not to wear that because it looks too girly? Should we restyle their clothing to fit our taste? At what point do we draw the line? Every culture has its own style of dressing, but you see, that's what's so great about the Bible—its standards for us transcend cultures. It doesn't matter who you are or where you're from, the same rule applies to everyone.

But "How"

With that said, even though the Bible does not specifically identify what specific outer garments a woman should wear, it does tell her how she should wear her garments. Simply put, it does not tell her "what" but "how." Sometimes we can get so caught up with the "what" (pants or dresses) a woman should wear, that we miss the point of "how" the Lord wants her to wear the what she has. He tells us this "how" in one word—modest. 1 Timothy 2:9 states, "In like manner also, that women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety; not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array." The term "modest," as it relates to clothing, is defined as "not revealing or emphasizing a person's figure." So, regardless of culture, a woman must dress in such a way that she does not attempt to show off her body.

Have you ever looked back through some of your old pictures and thought to yourself, I can't believe I wore that! I have. When I think back on some of the things I have worn, I must admit, I feel quite ashamed. I wish I had exercised better sense in the clothing I chose. As time passed, however, and I started to learn the importance of submission and being faithful to my husband. I began to realize that part of that was dressing in a way that would not incite other men to lust after me. So now, if it is too tight, too short, or too revealing, I try to stay away from it. Perhaps, it was this kind of shame that the Lord wanted to spare us from when He told us through Paul to wear our "modest apparel, with shamefacedness and sobriety." Terms that respectively mean bashfulness and soundness of mind.

With that said, this idea of shamefacedness leads me to think back to about six thousand years ago in the Garden of Eden when Eve and Adam ate that fruit. The Scripture tells us,

And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden. And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou? And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself. And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat? (Genesis 3:7-11)

When Adam and Eve had eaten the fruit and received the knowledge of good and evil, only then did they realize that they were naked and became ashamed. _How does that apply to us,_ you wonder? Now that we also have received the knowledge that nakedness is a shame, should we not also try to cover ourselves up as they did?

Name Tags and Imprints

With all that said, let me point out something that you may have never thought of in purchasing your outward garments. Several years before I wrote this book, I started to recognize that some of the clothing I purchased had some awful names attached to them. For instance, one day I was in the mall with my husband and picked up a piece of clothing that I thought was quite cute. When we saw the name tag attached, "Jezebel," we quickly decided this was not for me. Another time, I happened to be in a shoe store and picked up a sandal I thought I might want to buy. After realizing that the name engraved on it was "Brash," once again, it remained at the store. What's my point? Things that carry messages like these are items I don't want to have in my possession.

For years I had a shirt with the word "Jade" written across it, and I never really paid any attention to it. You might be thinking, _What's wrong with the word "Jade," is it not just a green stone?_ Yes, but you are only partially right. "Jade" also means a bad-tempered or disreputable woman. Again, is this the message I want to send? There should be no confusion over the message we are sending.

The "What Not"

I have said earlier that the Bible does not specifically tell us what to wear on the outside; nonetheless, it does tell us, "what not" to wear. When I was growing up, one of the things I saw emphasized in churches by some women was their attire. I mean, it had to be fancy. I believe for some of these women, the idea behind their dressing was to wear their best for Jesus—which I believe is an excellent attitude to have for our Lord. What I find, as it relates to this, is that dressing with costly clothing and accessories can incite a need among the women to compete to see who has the nicer outfits or the fanciest jewelry. This detracts them from their original purpose. Perhaps that is why we have been specifically given "what not" to wear.

The Lord says through Paul, "not with broided hair, or gold, or pearls, or costly array" (1 Timothy 2:9). He also says through Peter, "Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel" (1 Peter 3:3). Now, if you are like me, you may have noticed the last four words, "putting on of apparel" and think to yourself, What, he doesn't want me to wear clothes? After some research, I have found that the idea here is the investment with clothing. In other words, the Lord does not want us to put all our money, time, effort, attention, etc., into these things. I believe the reason for this is because the Lord seems more concerned with what we wear on the inside. He knows that if we focus on developing the inside apparel, the outside apparel will be fixed.

Screaming for Attention

If you have ever seen someone that has done something really strange to themselves, you may have said something like, _Wow! He is screaming for attention._ And you are probably right. Often, a bold demonstration on the outside indicates a deeper problem on the inside. Sometimes, a woman can struggle with the way she dresses and not even know why. One thing I have learned over the years is that if a woman has gone through some kind of trauma, it can have an affect on her wardrobe. For instance, I know of a lady who really enjoyed wearing very long and covering clothing. However, once her husband cheated on her, her wardrobe drastically changed. Instead of her modest dresses, she now wore short skirts and short shorts. The blows of that experience jolted her. Obviously, this is not the only kind of trauma a woman can experience that can incite this kind of change, but if you have gone through some type of turmoil in your life, examine yourself. It might have an affect on the way you are dressing.

Even if you have never gone through any kind of trauma, I encourage you to consider how you dress. Maybe you just have not been taught how to dress. Perhaps, you are just willfully stubborn or incredibly vain in this area. Regardless of your reason, I want to encourage you first to repent before the Lord for not dressing modestly. Next, throw away clothes that you are tempted to wear that are inappropriate. Don't try to pass them down to someone else in your family or drop them off at the thrift store. Don't encourage other women to have the same struggle. Throw away those embarrassing clothes. It doesn't matter how much you spent on them. Toss them! Lastly, dress modestly because you want to be pleasing to the Lord.

Before we move on, let me conclude this adornment chapter with a fitting and sobering example from Charles G. Finney's Memoirs. This is an example that has made a lasting impression on my mind, and I hope it will make a lasting impression on your mind as well.

Presently a young woman came in, who had two or three tall plumes in her bonnet, and was rather gaily dressed. She was slender, tall, dignified, and decidedly handsome. I observed as soon as she came in, that she waved her head and gave a very graceful motion to her plumes. She came as it were sailing around, and up the broad aisle toward where I sat, mincing as she came, at every step, waving her great plumes most gracefully, looking around just enough to see the impression she was making. For such a place the whole thing was so peculiar that it struck me very much. She entered a slip directly behind me, in which, at the time, nobody was sitting. Thus we were near together but each occupying a separate slip. I turned partly around, and looked at her from head to foot. She saw that I was observing her critically, and looked a little abashed. In a low voice I said to her, very earnestly, "Did you come in here to divide the worship of God's house, to make people worship you, to get their attention away from God and His worship?" This made her writhe; and I followed her up, in a voice so low that nobody else heard me, but I made her hear me distinctly. She quailed under the rebuke, and could not hold up her head. She began to tremble, and when I had said enough to fasten the thought of her insufferable vanity on her mind, I arose and went into the pulpit. As soon as she saw me go into the pulpit, and that I was the minister that was about to preach, her agitation began to increase so much so as to attract the attention of those around her. The house was soon full, and I took a text and went on to preach.

The Spirit of the Lord was evidently poured out on the congregation; and at the close of the sermon, I did what I do not know I had ever done before, called upon any who would give their hearts to God, to come forward and take the front seat. The moment I made the call, this young woman was the first to arise. She burst out into the aisle, and came forward, like a person in a state of desperation. She seemed to have lost all sense of the presence of anybody but God. She came rushing forward to the front seats, until she finally fell in the aisle, and shrieked with agony. A large number arose in different parts of the house and came forward; and a goodly number appeared to give their hearts to God upon the spot, and among them this young woman. On inquiry I found that she was rather the belle of the place; that she was an agreeable girl, but was regarded by everybody as very vain and dressy.

Many years afterwards, I saw a man who called my attention to that meeting. I inquired after this young woman. He informed me that he knew her well; that she still resided there, was married, and was a very useful woman; and had always, from that time, been a very earnest Christian.1

Chapter 12

Meek and Quiet Spirit

"But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."

-1 Peter 3:4

Even though a woman has a responsibility to dress appropriate outwardly, her emphasis must be to dress the inward parts that are still exposed. She must learn to place so much of her emphasis on her inside apparel—making it become expensive—that the outside apparel will have no opening for controversy. Proverbs 31:25 says of the virtuous woman, "Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come." This verse indicates that what this woman is putting on is not something external but eternal—something that will have lasting value. We just talked about adorning our bodies on the outside with apparel that is not so expensive as it relates to eternal value. Now, let's talk about an adornment on the inside that is greatly expensive. What exactly is a meek and quiet spirit?

On the radio, I have heard Christian women talk about having a meek and quiet spirit, but I was never really able to come away understanding what that means. Since then, I have come to learn that it is a quite difficult subject to teach on. It is not enough just to simply give a definition and move on. The reason being, it is really a lifestyle. It is the inner attitude of the heart before God. It accepts the circumstances it has been given by God and does not seek to please its own self. It is temperate. When faced with unfair treatment it responds in a manner that gives God a chance to work.

Remember the man Moses? When his own brother and sister chided with him, he did not behave badly. Rather, the Scriptures record of him, "Now the man Moses was very meek, above all the men which were upon the face of the earth" (Numbers 12:3). In other words, Moses did not lose his cool and start fighting against his brother and sister. Rather, he allowed God to do what seemed best to Him, and later on, prayed for his sister that she would be healed.

Now, it has been said that a good way to teach what something is, is to first show what it is not. To help you get a picture of what a woman looks like when she does not possess a meek and quiet spirit, let me take you to a few verses in the book of Proverbs. First, "She is loud and stubborn; her feet abide not in her house" (Proverbs 7:11). Second, she "is clamorous: she is simple, and knoweth nothing" (Proverbs 9:13). Third, "It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a brawling woman in a wide house" (Proverbs 21:9). In other words, she is loud, rebellious, argumentative, and silly, to say the least.

We see women like this all the time. They are bold and prideful. If you try to teach them, they instantly resist. There is a verse in the book of Zephaniah that seems to illustrate this well. Using the woman as imagery, the verse states, "She obeyed not the voice; she received not correction; she trusted not in the LORD; she drew not near to her God" (Zephaniah 3:2). These women will say things like, This is who I am. You are trying to change me. My response is, "Well, actually, yes." The whole purpose of this book and of course the Bible is to change us. We are creatures who don't like change, and we often try to settle into the this-is-who-we-are mentality. We rarely look for anything better or to develop ourselves in the attitudes of our heart before God. Sometimes, we are more concerned about how we look on the outside than we are on the inside.

Peter says, "But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves" (1 Peter 3:4-5). Did you catch the last two words, "adorned themselves." The women, the holy women, that were before us adorned themselves with a meek and quiet spirit. In other words, they wore it like a garment. What about us? If the holy women before us could have lived like this, why can't we?

I find it interesting that God would attribute having a meek and quiet spirit, something that seems so intangible and easily overlooked, as having a great price before Him. After all, doing things like feeding the poor or evangelizing the lost—that should be worth a lot, don't you think? But the Lord said, "Man looketh on the outward appearance, but the LORD looketh on the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). How then do we cultivate this meek and quiet spirit if it is of such a great price?

First, I would like to suggest getting in the habit of having a daily devotion—if you are not already doing so. Now, there are several components you might want to have in place before you attempt to have a daily devotion.

▪ **Choose a time**. Set aside a specific time in the morning, preferably before you get involved in your day, dedicated to spending concentrated time with God.

▪ **Have an aim in sight**. Your aim is to read the Bible straight through (not in one setting, but on a daily basis). That is, you are going to start reading the Bible beginning at Genesis 1 through Revelation 22 for the next year or so. You may say, Well, I like my devotional like the Daily Bread. While I am not opposed to devotionals, they will have you jumping around in the Bible and you will not get to see the overall view of the Word. Neither will you be able to really hear the heartbeat of God. If you read the Bible like I am suggesting from Genesis to Revelation, you will begin to see the big picture and hear God's heartbeat, page after page. Plus, by reading the Bible by itself, you will not need to have any commentary by man on what you are reading. You don't want to have that commentary by man during your devotion time. You want to hear from God directly.

▪ **Acquire supplies**. Get a dictionary, a concordance (I recommend Cruden's), pencils or pens, highlighters, a ruler, a notebook, and a hymnal or song book.

▪ **Select a place**. Find a place where you can be alone and try to make this your altar place everyday.

▪ **Sing and Pray**. Open with a song of praise and then a word of prayer. You can pray something like this: "Father, thank You for Your Word. Please, open it to me today. Show me what it is You want me to see and hear. I ask in Jesus name. Amen."

▪ **Read a chapter or a portion of the Word**. Take notes of things that you learn, things that might help others, etc . . .

▪ **Pray**. Close with prayer and more songs of praise.

Second, in cultivating this meek and quiet spirit, I would like to suggest that you start memorizing Scripture verses. You can pick a verse a week. This, along with your daily devotions, will help you feed your mind and spirit with the things of God. Eventually, you will find that you are actually practicing those verses in the everyday circumstances you face.

Third, I would also like to suggest praying everyday. When your mind is troubled over an issue, bring it immediately before the Lord and pour out your heart to Him. The Lord says, "Arise, cry out in the night: in the beginning of the watches pour out thine heart like water before the face of the Lord" (Lamentations 2:19). When you are happy, still pray. Thank Him for your happiness. Pray for other Christians. Pray for your husband. Pray for your children. Pray, pray, pray.

Fourth, attend church regularly. Find a Spirit-filled church. One that believes the entire Bible and preaches it. One that does not deny any portion of the Word of God. This can be a church that meets in a home, or one that meets in a building. Make sure you investigate the church before you attend. Not all churches are true churches. Some are cults, and others, which may not be cults, deny the power of God. Finding a body of genuine believers, with whom you can regularly worship, will help foster your spiritual growth.

If you get into a habit of having systematic devotions, memorizing God's Word, praying, going to church regularly, and doing the things you are learning in this book, you will start to cultivate this meek and quiet spirit that is of such a great price before our Lord. Seeking Him continually will build a rich and personal relationship between you and Him—one that will make you very valuable to Him. The Proverbs says, "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies" (Proverbs 31:10). Is your price far above rubies?

Don't be like the women who are rebellious and proud, who refuse to change, and think they know it all. Be like the woman who accepts the circumstances and disciplines God brings her way. Be like the woman who says, Lord, there is nothing that can come into my life that You can't help me with!

Chapter 13

Discreet

"That they may teach the young women . . . to be discreet."

-Titus 2:4–5

Today is a special day, but Mary is hiding in her closet from everyone. She had just celebrated her twelfth birthday last month, and now she has to celebrate another event—an event that she is embarrassed to attend. You see, Mary was adopted. Her adoptive parents are of a different culture from her, and they celebrate everything! Even a girl's 1st menstruation. "Mary, everyone is waiting for you to cut the cake," her adoptive mom, shouts. Horrified to come and face all her uncles, aunts, cousins and whomever else her parents have invited, Mary buries her head into her clothes and refuses to come out of her closet.

I don't know about you, but I think I can identify with Mary. I don't want to share this kind of news either—not with my brothers, cousins, uncles or even neighbors. My culture so rarely talks openly about a woman's menstruation that I never even knew it existed until it came. What's my point?

One would think that a person does not have to be taught on a subject like discretion, but apparently, it has to be taught. In Titus 2:5, Paul tells Titus that the older women must teach the younger women to be discreet. What does that mean? Discreet means to be of a sound mind, self-controlled, sober. It means we should act like we have good sense. We should evaluate whether the things we are doing or saying are of good sense and in the proper place.

Certain things don't have to be shared for the whole world to know. They are private for a reason. For instance, even when it comes to a subject like a woman's menstruation, the Bible makes it a point to be discreet in the way it talks about her. It refers to it as "sick of her flowers" (Leviticus 15:33) and the "custom of women" (Genesis 31:35). So, if the Lord takes such care in how He talks about something of such a delicate nature, why shouldn't we also take the same care by practicing discretion?

A funny story that comes to mind is that of one unfortunate husband who attended Lamaze class with his wife. During the class, the instructor, boldly said, "It is okay for you to breast feed your baby in public!"

Immediately, this husband blurted out, "No it isn't!"

He is right! What our world teaches us as being okay is not always okay. We have a different manual than theirs. The Bible says, "As a jewel of gold in a swine's snout, so is a fair woman which is without discretion" (Proverbs 11:22). Do we really want to look like this? If not, then we must learn how to live discreet lives. Some of that learning can come from mere observation. I remember as a kid, one day my mom and I were walking on a sidewalk where there was a group of men congregating, and they were in our path. Instead of walking straight through the men, my mom walked off to the side so as to not walk between them. Her action made a lasting impression on my mind, so much so, that I mimic it even to this day.

Another area in which we can learn discretion is with the intimate things we purchase. For instance, if you buy an undergarment, don't lay the tag with the woman's picture on it in a place that might make your husband or sons uncomfortable. Some women carelessly leave these kinds of items laying around, and then if their husbands or sons complain about it, they scold them for it. My husband is very careful with the things I put in front of him. If he tells me it makes him uncomfortable, instead of thinking he has a problem, I have to realize that I need to practice discretion.

What about the content of your conversations? Are you discreet in what you talk about? Do you loosely share all your laundry to any and everyone? Proverbs 29:11 says, " A fool uttereth all his mind." Maybe you find yourself talking about things like tampons at the eating table. Recently, my husband shared an uncomfortable experience he had one time when he went out to eat. He said that while he was sitting at the restaurant, there was a lady near him that was talking big and loud about her Depends. He asked, "How can you enjoy a meal when you have to hear about that?" Hearing his story reminds me of how necessary it is that women learn to be discreet. The Apostle Paul was right. The older women must teach the younger women how to be discreet.

What about how you talk to your husband in public? There is probably a good chance that your husband will do or say something in public that might embarrass you or even himself. You should still be careful to be discreet in how you talk to him. You may have to exercise sound judgment and wait until you get home to talk to him about whatever bothered you. Hold your tongue. Proverbs says, "Even a fool, when he holdeth his peace, is counted wise: and he that shutteth his lips is esteemed a man of understanding" (17:28).

What about your husband's past mistakes? Have you ever been tempted to bring up things like this—over and over again? I think most of us have. Do you remember how uncomfortable you felt when someone reminded you of something that embarrassed you? If so, why do you try to make the person you love the most, your husband, feel that embarrassment over and over again? If you and your husband have dealt with those things in the past, try to be discreet about them now.

One last area of discretion I would like to talk about is that of hiding yourself. You might be wondering, _What do you mean by that?_ Let me ask, do you hide yourself from other men? Let me have Heather demonstrate this for us.

Heather discerns that her neighbor John, even though he is an active member in his church and seems to be a nice family man, struggles with a stronghold of lust. She noticed that when he passes by her house that she suddenly feels an intense desire to go outside to be seen by him. At first she thought that there was something wrong with her, but she realized that when other men come in her path she does not feel the same way. The stronghold of lust is so strong on John that Heather now refuses to act on that immediate impulse and instead hides herself when John passes by.

Can you identify with this story at all? As wives, we must learn that instead of wanting to be seen by other men, we must instead be discreet and hide ourselves. We may need to wait until that certain man passes by before we do what we need to. Remember the Proverb says, "A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: but the simple pass on, and are punished" (22:3).

As you can see, the range of things in which we need to learn to be discreet can be wide. They can include the way we talk, the way we walk, the way we handle the things we purchase, and even the things we celebrate. As wives, we need to be on the alert not disgrace ourselves, our husbands, and our Lord, lest we look like that jewel of gold in the swine's snout. Proverbs 2:11 teaches us that "discretion shall preserve thee." Therefore, let's practice exercising discretion in our lives by exercising sound mindedness, evaluating how we behave, and determining whether or not we are acting with good sense and appropriateness.

Chapter 14

Help Meet

"And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." -Genesis 2:18

Keisha loves her husband Jerome. They have been married for almost ten years, and it is getting sweeter everyday. Keisha spends most of her time caring for the home and taking care of Jerome. She makes sure his clothes are always clean, the bills are paid on time, does the grocery shopping and performs a host of other little things to help make Jerome's life a little more comfortable. Not everyone, however, likes Keisha's behavior. Veronica, her next-door neighbor, thinks that Keisha spends way too much time focusing on Jerome. Instead, she would much rather see Keisha go out and get a full-time job like everyone else, build a career like she has, and spend more time with her girlfriends like she does. She even says to Keisha, "Girl, you have to assert yourself." Keisha, on the other hand, doesn't pay much attention to her neighbor's concerns. She's just overjoyed to have a happy home.

Our world spends a lot of time telling us as wives and women how we ought to live. It teaches us to work jobs that men work, build careers to advance ourselves, partner with our husbands in household tasks, and so much more. We have been conditioned to think that being a help meet is not as important as taking care of ourselves. While in some proportion these things can be necessary, the overall role of the wife is to be her husband's helper. It was the Lord who gave us this job title. Genesis 2:18 records, "And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him." Here, one can deduce that before the wife was ever physically formed, she was already designed in the mind of God to be a helper to her husband.

Keepers at Home

There once was a man who became so sick that his wife rushed him to the hospital. After the doctor thoroughly examined the man, the doctor stepped out into the waiting area and told his wife his prognosis. He said, "If your husband does not have a stress-free home, where he can get three home-cooked meals every day, all his clothes washed on time, the dishes always cleaned, and the house kept immaculate, he is going to die."

"Well, what did the doctor say?" asked the anxious husband.

She responded, "He says that you are going to die!"

What exactly does the wife have to help her husband do? Before I attempt to answer this question, I must set the backdrop. The Bible does not specifically say, "Wives, do the dishes, clean the clothes, vacuum the house, etc." However, the Lord does tell us to be "keepers at home" (Titus 2:5). What does that mean? Does it mean that a wife has to quit her job and stay at home?

I once heard a sister talk about this very thing. She struggled over this issue and was in a great dilemma. She thought in order to be a good Christian wife, she needed to quit her job and stay at home. She was wrestling so heavily with the matter that one day she called her husband on his job and told him that she thought she needed to quit her job. After hearing her frustrations, her husband decided to stop what he was doing and focus in on her.

He thought about what she said for a moment, and then he asked her two questions. "Have I asked you to quit your job?"

She replied, "No."

He then asked, "Who do you need to submit to?"

She said, "You and God."

This sister said that it was as if the Lord gave her husband special wisdom that day. She realized that she did not need to please those around her. She only needed to please her husband and God. You see, being keepers at home does not necessarily mean that we have to quit our jobs, but being keepers at home does help to get all our chores accomplished. According to Strong's Dictionary of Hebrew and Greek Words, "keeper at home" means a stayer at home, i.e. domestically inclined (a "good housekeeper"). It means that we need to take care of the household affairs. This means washing the dishes, cleaning the clothes, doing the grocery shopping, or if you are wealthy, overseeing that your maids are doing these jobs.

Whether we do these tasks ourselves or pay someone else to do them, we have a responsibility to care for the house. We were given that charge. Paul writes, "I will therefore that the younger women marry, bear children, guide the house, give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully" (1 Timothy 5:14). The word "guide" means to manage the household affairs. With that said, in order to perform the myriad of tasks related to the home, a wife might become overwhelmed if she is working a full-time job and still trying to meet the demands of the home. Sometimes, we as women, no matter how successful we are in the business world, can feel quite responsible over the simplest of thing that is undone in the home. The reason for this is because we were created to play a special role in the home, and we will find great fulfillment in that role if we know how to walk in it.

You see, there is something so rewarding when your husband praises you because the home is tidy or the supplies are handy. Proverbs 31:28 says, "Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her." My husband finds it so wonderful that if he runs out of toothpaste, sandwich bags, or whatever he may need, that he can find a replacement. He can count on me to take care of the necessary items of the home. Obviously, that is not to say I have everything when he needs it, but I do make sure our home is well stocked. If, however, I gave myself to work a full-time job, these needs would suffer. On top of that, I might feel like I was not being a good wife.

House to House

There is an unsaved wife who passes about two or three times a day in front of my home headed to another neighbor's house. I mean she visits with this family whether her husband is home, while he is at work, on the weekends—it doesn't seem to matter to her. I realize that there may be different reasons for her visit, but this lady does not seem to have any peace. Could it be that she has not learned to be a keeper at home?

As wives, we must guard against looking like this lady. Women who are not taught how they should behave will make themselves look bad, and the Lord does not want us to pattern ourselves after the women of the world. He says, "And withal they learn to be idle, wandering about from house to house; and not only idle, but tattlers also and busybodies, speaking things which they ought not" (1 Timothy 5:13). If you are a Christian wife, and you are in the habit of going from house to house, I want to encourage you with this verse: "Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbour's house; lest he be weary of thee, and so hate thee" (Proverbs 25:17).

The Proverbs 31 Wife

Most of us have heard about the Proverbs 31 wife. It is a passage frequently cited by women who teach wives their roles. Take a few minutes and read Proverbs 31:10-31.

Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies. The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands. She is like the merchants' ships; she bringeth her food from afar. She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens. She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard. She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms. She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night. She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff. She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy. She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple. Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land. She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant. Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come. She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness. Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all. Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the LORD, she shall be praised. Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.

This passage can seem quite exhaustive, can it not? Look at the wide range of duties and responsibilities in which this woman has an opportunity to participate. She is involved in real estate, grocery shopping, sales, preparing meals, planting a vineyard, making clothing, giving alms, etc. This is a busy woman. She certainly does not have time to be idle.

Many of you might feel like you cannot measure up to this ideal image of the Proverbs 31 wife, but let me say that the image presented in these verses was not intended to make the wife feel overwhelmed. The wife was never intended to carry the burden all alone or do all of these things at the same time, but she was created to be a "help meet." She cannot be a help meet if there is no one to help. Instead, the passage seems to illustrate the idea that wives are not bound to the home as so many in the feminist movement have tried to convey. Rather, the passage gives us a good summary of how helpful a wife can be to her husband. It does not put her in a box. As you can see, the list of opportunities can be quite broad.

We are not bound just to household chores. Our help can extend far beyond these kinds of tasks and still allow for us to achieve the end goal of caring for the home. Being a "help meet" encompasses a wide range of miscellaneous helps which can be done at various times and seasons in life. Take for example Priscilla and Sapphira. These women assisted their husbands outside of the traditional housewife roles. Priscilla assisted her husband, Aquila, in making tents and working with him in the ministry (Acts 18:3,26). Sapphira assisted her husband, Ananias, with sales (Acts 5:1). Our help can vary.

If your husband works a full-time job and you are a stay-at-home wife, then you will be a help to him by preparing dinner, doing the laundry, paying the bills, etc. If your husband, however, is a pastor, he might need you to go with him to visit the sick, visit the first time visitors, or help him with counseling. We are to do whatever our husbands need help with. Think about your own life. Are you doing the same things you did five years ago, or have some of your duties changed over time? When my husband was teaching private lessons, I was putting signs out on street corners advertising his business. Today, I no longer do that because he has a different occupation. What are you doing?

Please don't become discouraged or confused or think that you are insignificant because you are performing menial tasks. This is not a good way to think. Elisabeth Elliot shared a letter from one of her listeners. The listener writes, "I have learned that it's better for me to do menial tasks inside of the will of God than to do godly things outside of the will of God."1 Isn't that awesome statement? Ladies, the Lord does not look at the things we do the same way the world does. In the world's eyes, the things we do may seem foolish, but in the Lord's eyes, they are honorable.

Indispensable Needs

What are indispensable needs? There are certain needs that are basic, and we will get to those in a moment. First, however, let's talk about indispensable needs. By indispensable needs, I mean needs that are not always verbalized or viewed as tangible needs but are vital to the foundational success and happiness of your husband. These are needs that every husband has. Two of those needs are prayer and encouragement.

Prayer

Praying for our husbands is a life-saving need. Their mere existence depends on being built up and being fortified everyday by diligent prayers, and who can possibly be closer to them than us, their wives—women who can intercede on their behalves?

Even though some days might be lighter than others, our husbands face trying circumstances everyday. Sometimes, they are dealing with hard bosses, at other times they may be dealing with flirtatious women, and at other times pressured to compromise their standards in order to fit in. For this reason, it is critical that we as wives pray for them. One of the things I have learned to do is to form a daily habit of praying for my husband. My husband works in a prison, and I never know what he will face as he is daily surrounded by criminals. So, before I begin the chores for the day, I spend a few minutes every morning interceding on his behalf. Maybe your husband does not work in a hostile environment, but he still desperately needs your prayers everyday. Perhaps you can pray that:

1. The Lord will help him to perform His will today

2. He will be protected from accidents and temptations

3. He will be alert and vigilant throughout the day

4. He will have peace

5. God will grant him wisdom in his conversations and decision-making

We may not always see the fruit of our prayers, but think of all the disasters or injuries your husband may have been spared because of your intercession. I believe prayer is a wonderful tool for us to use. Remember, we are admonished to pray for each other as saints. Ephesians 6:18 records, "Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints." I urge you to practice spending time every day praying for your husband. He may not always tell you to pray for him, but he is desperately in need of it.

Encouragement

A Christian man once told me that his ex-wife used to encourage him to watch movies that involved nudity. He said he told her that he didn't think as Christians they should watch films like these, but she basically told him that he needed to grow up. Are you encouraging your husband in a heaven-bound way or in a hell-bound way? Proverbs says, "A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands" (14:1, NLT).

The second indispensable need that a husband has is encouragement. As wives, we play an instrumental part in that encouragement. We must be careful to take them seriously. They have to be nourished, and while we are not to play their mothers, we must take the time to encourage them. For instance, sit and talk with them when they come home from work. One of the things my husband has asked me to do is to stop whatever I am doing and spend a few minutes with him every day when he comes home. Perhaps, your husband may want to share the events of his day with you or even ask you about your day. Encourage him with your presence, care, and undivided attention.

Also, a good way to encourage your husband is to refrain from bringing unholy things into the home. Don't be the one who is guilty of bringing things into the home like worldly magazines, women's store catalogs, wicked movies, things that would encourage the flesh, or even worldly music to corrupt his spirit. I find that some women can be very careless in this area. Pay attention to the things you allow in your home. Don't be a channel for these items. These items can lead your husband astray.

Remember King Solomon's wives? They turned his heart away from God. How disastrous! Some of you might be thinking one of two things. Either, I trust my husband, or we will be fine. When it comes to the flesh, we can't reason with it. We have to crucify it. The Lord says, "And they that are Christ's have crucified the flesh with the affections and lusts" (Galatians 5:24). "But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof" (Romans 13:14). So, remove things that might discourage your husband's growth in the Lord.

You can also encourage your husband with good words. We, as women, must realize that our words are incredibly valuable to our husbands. We can either build them up or tear them down with our words. If your husband does a good job at something, tell him so. Speak kind words to him. Don't be condescending with your words. For instance, you might see him do something that is a flop (like assemble a shoe rack) and you might say something like, "You big dodo head," or "You are such an idiot." If you want to have a happy home, speak good words to your husband like, "That didn't go so well," or "It is okay if the shoe rack falls apart, at least you tried."

We can also encourage our husbands' gifts. For example, one time a husband bought a rolling pin for his wife to use in the kitchen. Instead of being thankful for the gift, his wife insulted his gift. Another time, another husband bought a beautiful dress for his wife. Instead of being grateful for the dress, the wife refused to wear it because she thought it looked like a bag. If we want happy husbands, we must learn to appreciate their efforts or else we will stop getting gifts. Worse yet, we will discourage them.

These are just some examples of ways you can encourage your husband. Remember it is an indispensable need. Encourage him. By doing so, you will help to foster a deep bond between you and your husband.

Basic Needs

Every husband has various needs, and those needs can change with time. Some of those needs are very basic and specific. These are needs which the wife, and only the wife, was created to help meet. One of those is procreation and another is intimacy. Because procreation is such an obvious and globally understood need, I will not elaborate on this need. Instead, I will focus our attention on our husband's need for intimacy.

Let's look at Genesis. As soon as God finished creating woman, He brought her to the man He had created. The next thing the Lord said was, "And they shall be one flesh" (2:24). Immediately after this the Bible says, And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed" (Genesis 2:25). Notice that they shared this intimacy before they had children.

The reason I say this is because some have propagated the idea that women have very little function in a marriage other than for the purpose of procreation; however, this is not true. It seems abundantly obvious that the woman was crafted quite skillfully by the Creator to help meet the man's intimate need right from the beginning. Otherwise, why would the Bible so quickly mention nakedness? Why not wait until they were both ready for children?

Others have stressed that women were created for mere recreation. If this was so, why didn't God say, "And they shall be one flesh," and then the next verse say, "And they both went out together to play golf." Even though spending recreational time with our husbands is important, having companionship with them in the intimate sense is an absolute. We were created to help meet our husband's need for physical intimacy.

Before you get upset with me, let me say that the wife also shares in this same need for intimacy. We know this because as soon as God had finished giving the Ten Commandments to Moses in Exodus 20, He immediately gave chapter 21:10 which says, "If he take him another wife; her food, her raiment, and her duty of marriage, shall he not diminish." Also, 1 Corinthians 7:2-4 states, "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife." The idea here is clear. The need for intimacy is not just limited to the man.

When?

Now that we have established that this physical intimacy is a need for both husband and wife, let's talk about "when." When? When do you become intimate? Do you do it when you are ready? When he is ready? When you are both mutually ready? When?

Often times meeting this need for each other can become frustrating especially since we have become so busy and tired, but let me challenge you with this: Learn to practice meeting your husband's need or desire for intimacy when he approaches you. Don't brush him off. Don't get yourself involve in countless projects either to avoid physical intimacy. Or, worse yet, don't keep your husband busy with projects, so as to avoid intimate time with him. Let me remind you, there is a grave danger for both of you in shirking this kind of intimacy. Turn with me to 1 Corinthians 7 again. This time, let's look at verse 5. It says, "Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." When is the only time you stay apart from each other intimately? That's right—fasting and prayer. Why do you come intimately back together again? So that Satan will not tempt you.

I Don't Feel Like It

If I had a cure for a terminal disease, and I told you, "Unless you take this medicine, you will surely die," wouldn't you take the medicine? Of course you would. Any sane person would not think twice about doing so. Why then do we take it so lightly when the Scriptures tell us to be intimate together to avoid falling into sin? Do you have to feel like it? No.

Think of the many times your husband did not feel like cleaning out the garage with you, putting up Christmas lights with you, moving furniture around for you, or cleaning out a room or closet with you. Did he do it? Probably. Did he feel like it? Probably not. If your husband is like mine, it's not the first thing on his mind. He does not jump up and down with me when I suggest rearranging furniture or shuffling around plant stands. If anything, he groans. Does your's groan? You know, the "Do we have to?" speech? But, in spite of how he feels, many times my husband does those things with me because he loves me. The point is that feeling like being intimate is not that important. Having a good attitude, however, is. The right mood does not have to be created in order for you to feel like it. When you have a good and willing attitude, the feelings will likely follow.

He's Been Good Today

Most of us have heard about the system of rewards and punishments. If your child does well at something, give him or her a reward. If your pet is obedient, give it a treat. We are accustomed to this kind of system. There is nothing wrong with rewarding someone or our pets for something good they have done. It is purely an expression of our appreciation for them. If we use intimate time as a tool to reward our husbands for being good, however, we have missed the mark.

In your lifetime, you have probably come across some women who use their boyfriends to buy them all kind of things: jewelry, fancy clothes, cars, or even pay their rent. In exchange for these things, these women are normally physically intimate with these men. Just talking about this might make some of you feel unsettled. Yet, if hearts were revealed, many might be guilty of bringing this same kind of practice into their marriages. They want the man to do things for them and then be intimate as a reward, but sharing ourselves physically with our husbands is not that kind of tool. Neither are we giving them a gift. We were created for them for this purpose. They were not created for us (see 2 Corinthians 11:9).

Stop! Think with me for a moment about our relationship to God. We were created by God. Agreed? He created us to worship and serve Him and Him alone. Right? Luke records,

But which of you, having a servant plowing or feeding cattle, will say unto him by and by, when he is come from the field, Go and sit down to meat? And will not rather say unto him, Make ready wherewith I may sup, and gird thyself, and serve me, till I have eaten and drunken; and afterward thou shalt eat and drink? Doth he thank that servant because he did the things that were commanded him? I trow not. So likewise ye, when ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable servants: we have done that which was our duty to do (17:7-10).

We are not giving God a gift when we obey His commands. We are doing our duty (I hope cheerfully). Paul states, "Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband" (1 Corinthians 7:3). He is saying we have a responsibility, an obligation to our husbands in this way. He is saying our intimate time with our husbands is a duty, not a gift. Just like it may be your duty to pick up your child from school or send out a report for your boss on time. These things fall under the category of your responsibilities. Do you complain when you have to pick up your children? No. You love them and, therefore, want to see their cute little faces, but you are not giving them a gift when you pick them up. Neither are you giving a gift to your boss by sending out your report on time. These are both duties.

If you have a faulty understanding of this subject, I am not surprised. I did too. The reason being, we live in a culture that promotes this faulty kind of thinking. For instance, one of the things that men are often taught is that if they treat their wives good in the day, then they will likely have a rewarding time in the night. While I am not advocating that husbands treat their wives badly, some men bend over backwards to care for their wives, hoping for wonderful physical time. Sometimes this works, and the wife rewards her husband with the gift of being intimate with her. This kind of system, however, has some problems. We shouldn't do something good for someone just because they treat us well. Many times, however, this is the way we operate. We are people who tend to give to those who give to us. We send Christmas cards to those who have sent to us. We buy lunches for those who bought for us, and so on. So, we have this circle of paybacks going around and around. Jesus, however, said, "And if ye do good to them which do good to you, what thank have ye? for sinners also do even the same" (Luke 6:33).

Learn to receive your husband when he comes to you for intimacy. When you do, you will be happier because your husband will be happy. If you have been guilty of rewarding your husband or requiring him to wait till you are ready, I suggest taking the time to talk to your husband honestly. You might begin by saying, "Honey, I am sorry if I have made you feel as if you have to do tricks to be with me physically. I want to do this with you because I love you." You will be amazed at how happy you and your husband will be when he feels like he does not have to beg and do tricks in order to share physical intimacy with you.

In summary, God has created us to be helpers to our husbands and He did so with the intention that our husbands will have companionship. If we run off to do our own things instead of being helpers to our husbands, we will lose the stickiness we need to join ourselves to them.

Chapter 15

Who Is the Head?

I once worked for a lady who told me that she and her husband often "butt heads." Sounds like an awful phrase, does it not? Nevertheless, this butting of heads takes place all over the globe between husbands and wives. Each wants his or her own way to prevail, so the battle rages on. This can lead to great frustration and stress in any home; however, this stress can be avoided. The Lord has put a wonderful principle into place that protects us from this kind of frustration.

Hierarchy

Let's look at Ephesians 5:22-24. "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing."

Almost all Christian wives have heard about this principle in some kind of fashion, and for many, it has stirred up quite a bit of resentment. Possibly one reason for this is the fact that it has been so greatly misunderstood. Some take it to mean that wives are inferior. Some take it to mean that men are superior, and some simply become terrified. Some have even said that it is not meant for our Western culture today. With all these ideas floating around as to what the meaning of this passage is, let us look at it together.

There is a definite order that God has established for our lives, and that order is that the husband is the head of the wife. A supportive verse puts it this way, "But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God" (1 Corinthians 11:3). Can I say it any plainer than this? People try to go around it, redefine it, or totally ignore these verses. It does not change the fact. God has established a hierarchy—plain and simple.

Does this mean that men are superior to women? Think logically with me about this for a minute. Do you have a boss? Well, if you work, then you probably do. Are you and your boss on the same level? Probably not. He or she is the one that gives the orders, signs your paychecks, fixes your schedule, etc. You and your boss may both be of the same age, of the same gender, and even of the same race, but being equal to him or her in all of these areas does not make you equal to him or her in authority. Some of you may even be older than your boss. This is seen quite often in the workforce, but does your age satisfy your having authority over your boss? The answer is, no. That person is still higher in authority even though you are older.

What does this mean as it relates to you and your husband? Simple. It means that God has established an order by which things work. Perhaps, some of our homes are falling apart because the order by which things work is not in place; therefore, the collapse is imminent. His order for man to be the head of the wife is clear. We see this kind of hierarchy in the workplace, and even in the Godhead. Paul writes, "But I would have you know, that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God" (1 Corinthians 11:3).

Just as we have to accept the fact that our boss is our boss—whether we like it or not—we must accept the fact that our husbands are over us and, therefore, have the authority to tell us what to do. Even though we are equal to them as fellow human beings and may share many commonalities, they are still given the authority to rule us.

When Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, the Lord said to her, "I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee" (Genesis 3:16). Some have interpreted this latter part of the verse "rule over thee" in such a way as to make our God into a mean chauvinistic God who does not care for women, but our God is not as they perceive Him to be. If you read the Bible, you will see a very loving God who, even though He chastises like any loving parent, also has our best in mind. He says, "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil" (Jeremiah 29:11).

What if there is a different way to look at the verdict given to Eve? What if God was doing something good for her by saying that her husband would rule her? Even though Eve's disobedience brought consequences, what if even in God's judgment against her He was being merciful? What if God cared enough about her—and you and me—to put us under our husband's care? This is exactly what I think God intended. He wanted us to be protected and cared for under our husbands' headship. You would be amazed at how many disastrous situations we avoid all because God cared enough to give us a head.

I believe one reason God puts us under our husbands is so that we will not be deceived. Paul states, "And Adam was not deceived, but the woman being deceived was in the transgression" (1 Timothy 2:14). Adam ate willingly. Eve was deceived by that wicked serpent. The devil is still trying to deceive us as he did Eve. He causes so many to refuse the teachings of the Bible because of his hatred for God. This is why it is so critical that we, as wives, refuse to allow that wicked serpent to speak lies into our ears. We need to abide under our husbands' headship. It was God who placed them over us to rule us. If we resist our husbands' rule over us, then we are, in essence, resisting God. The apostle Paul teaches us, "Let every soul be subject unto the higher powers. For there is no power but of God: the powers that be are ordained of God. Whosoever therefore resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God: and they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation" (Romans 13:1-2).

Authority

Have you ever named anyone? Perhaps, you have given names to your children or your pets. We are accustomed to naming things. Throughout the Bible, we find people naming others. You have probably heard of Daniel and the famous story of Daniel in the lion's den. Did you know that Daniel had another name? It was Belteshazzar. When the children of Israel were taken captive by King Nebuchadnezzar, he had Daniel and his three friends renamed.

God also renames people. Abraham was not always Abraham. Sarah was not always Sarah. God renamed both of them. Abraham was Abram, and Sarah was Sarai. You are probably also familiar with the passage in the New Testament where Jesus called Simon, Peter.

Changing a person's a name establishes authority over the person being named. At one time, Abraham and Sarah were both under the authority of their earthly father, who in all likelihood named them. Once God renamed them, however, we see that they had been brought under the authority of another Father, and that is Our Heavenly Father. Likewise, King Nebuchadnezzar was making a statement when he renamed Daniel and his friends. He was saying, "They belong to me now."

Why is all this important? Let me ask you a question. Who named Eve? If you said "Adam," then you are right. God did not take the liberty to name her. Instead, God brought her to Adam. Adam was given the right to name her. Where does that place Adam in relation to Eve? Does it not put him in charge? Notice that Adam named her both before the Fall and after the Fall. First, in Genesis 2:23 he called her, "Woman," and then, in Genesis 3:20 he called her "Eve."

The reason I point this out is because some people teach that today husbands and wives have been redeemed back to their original place in the Garden of Eden before they fell into sin, and therefore, husbands and wives are equal in authority. They do this to prove that wives do not owe their husbands any special submission. This is not true because Adam named Eve before the fall ever took place. They were never equal in authority from the beginning as some propose. For a moment, however, let's say they were. If they were equal in authority, why did God only command Adam not to eat of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil? Why did He not tell Eve also or at least wait until they were both present? There appear to be some significant questions that remain unanswered in this equal authority view. It seems to me that God intended all along for wives to be under their husbands' care.

There is another problem with the equal authority view. If wives do not have to live under the rule of their husbands because they have been redeemed from the power, penalty, presence, and consequences of sin, then why does Paul, who came on the scene after Christ was resurrected and ascended, teach Timothy that bishops and deacons need to rule their houses well (1 Timothy 3:5, 12)? If wives were to be of equal authority, Paul would have had no reason to say this. Paul is not alone. If redemption took away the husband's authority over the wife, why would Peter tell wives to "be in subjection to your own husbands" (1 Peter 3:1).

We, as wives, must take heart not to become discouraged by forceful opposition to male headship or allow this way of thinking to skew our view of the subjection to which God has called us. When God said to the woman, "And thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee" (Genesis 3:16), He was clearly letting her know who was in charge. This did not mean that she was to dread the headship of the husband, but rather fall under it so that she could enjoy all of the benefits associated with this covering.

When a woman is born, she is under the headship of her father and carries his name. Her father provides care, protection, necessities, etc. Once she chooses to marry, she comes out from under her father's headship and his name and comes under the headship of her husband. At that time, her husband gives her a new name. Just like Eve when Adam named her, the bride is now under a new headship. Her husband then becomes responsible to provide for her care, protection, and necessities, etc. It seems obvious that God clearly designed for women to be protected under these headships rather than be oppressed or suppressed as some would like to propose. This is the order that He has put in place both in the Old and New Testaments.

Keeping Your Name

Lateshia decided not to give it up. She reasoned, "That's how every one knows me. People are not going to be able to locate me easily. Besides this, my dad has no sons. I am going to carry on his name." Lateshia Jones-Walker, a popular writer and speaker, is married to Isaiah Walker, but could not bear the thought of giving up her maiden name. Her family means everything to her and the idea of dropping their name made her feel like part of her was going to go away.

Some of us have a hard time parting with things. This I can understand. Our garages and attics evidence this fact. Nevertheless, there are some things we must learn to part with—like our former names. More and more today, I see wives use hyphenated names or simply keep their maiden names. I am not sure why they do this. As simple as it may seem, this is not an issue to be taken lightly. Hyphenated names, like Lateshia Jones-Walker, seem to immediately convey an unwillingness to surrender the past and an unwillingness to fully cleave to the present.

You might contend, _Well, my husband is fine with my hyphenated name._ While that may be true, imagine how much more complete he will feel knowing that you are all his. Here's a thought—one day, Jesus is going to give you a name that is brand new. Are you going to hyphenate the one He gives? Revelation 2:17 records, "To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it." Learning to part with our former name is a demonstrative act of submissiveness. If you find that you are more concerned about how many documents you will have to update or how sad it will be if you don't carry on your family name, you have just lost the focus of what is really important—and that is your complete surrender.

Chapter 16

Submit

When I was a child, one of the games we used to play was called war-break. War-break was a fun game. My brothers and I had water guns. We would hide behind trees or whatever posed as a good barrier and try to zap each other from wherever we were hiding. When one of us ran out of water, we would come out from hiding and cry out, "I surrender." As wives, we must also come out of our hiding places and learn to surrender to our husbands. This behavior does not come naturally.

Often times, wives can find themselves submitting to their friends, an employer, a minister, parents, or even an older sibling without throwing up much of a quarrel. When it comes to submitting to the headship of their husbands, however, they frequently repudiate the idea. I believe the reason for this is that some women have a strong desire to be in charge. They want to control everything, and that includes the man. This is evident just by the way you hear some women talk.

Perhaps you have heard this famous saying, "Well, if he is the head, then I am the neck that turns him." Is that what we are suppose to do—be our husbands' helm? Do not the Scriptures clearly tell us the opposite? In other words, shouldn't he be the head that turns our necks? I realize that this is not the kind of popular teaching that everyone will accept, but let me remind you that following the ways of Jesus runs in great contrast to the teachings of this world. The mindset of this world twists every good thing that God outlines for us and tries to force us to adhere to its standards instead of His. It tells us that its way is better for us, but I caution you with this: we can't have two masters. Someone must submit, and it can't be the husband to the wife. It must be the wife to the husband. You might be thinking, _What about mutual submission?_

Mutual Submission

There are many who argue for mutual submission or the egalitarian view. This view states that both the husband and the wife should equally submit to each other and have equal authority. The people who hold this view believe that the hierarchy design should be abolished. They would much rather a bi-lateral design where the husband and wife are both in equal authority and God is their head.

To support their view, they often refer to two verses. The first is found in Galatians 3:28 which says, "There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus." The second is Ephesians 5:21, "Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God." Even well-meaning Christians seem to be grappling with the issue of who should submit to whom, drawing conclusions upon the statement of Ephesians 5:21 for their basis of mutual submission. Let me say, however, that if you take the time to examine these passages in their context, you will see that these verses are dealing with the saints at large and not husbands and wives per say.

The gist of these passages seems to indicate that the Apostle Paul is speaking to the crowd at large, saying that whether a person is Irish, Mexican, Indian, Black, White, male, or female, we are all saved by faith, and therefore, we must learn to submit to each other as believers preferring one above the other. Ephesians 5:21 was addressed to the saints, which included both men and women, who were to submit one to another. Perhaps, to avoid confusion, the Apostle quickly inserted verse 22 which says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord." So, we see two areas of submission that are addressed here. There is general submission among the saints and specific submission from wives to their respective husbands. These two must not be confused or else we may think wrong. The order of submission must be an important thing for us to know because at least seven times in the New Testament we are told to be in subjection to our "own husbands" (1 Corinthians 7:2; Ephesians 5:22, 24; Colossians 3:18; Titus 2:5; and 1 Peter 3:1, 5).

The term "own" is a very important term in the verses listed above because if the wife gets into the habit of submitting to everyone else, she might forfeit submission to her own husband. As an example, if Brother Frank asks Sister Judith to accompany other women in the church on Thursday evenings to visit the elderly widows, and her husband tells her he does not want her to go because Thursday is the only evening they have to spend time together, then Sister Judith needs to tell brother Frank, no. You see, if a wife submits to everyone, that will exclude her or hinder her submission to her husband who is her head.

Some people argue that the Apostle Paul was a male chauvinist and didn't know what he was talking about because he wasn't even married. Anyone who thinks this way would need to also contend with the Apostle Peter because Peter was married and said the same thing. He says, "Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands" (1 Peter 3:1). It seems clear that both of the apostles wanted to get the message across that the wife owes her "own" husband her submission.

Some may think that submitting to their husbands is unfair. For those who think so, let me say that what they are actually doing is calling the Maker unfair. Calling the Maker unfair because they don't like the order He has put into place is to put themselves above Him. He made the rule. Are you willing to obey it even if you don't understand it?

Those who argue for mutual submission seem to fail to realize that Jesus Himself had to learn submission. God the Father did not have to submit to Jesus while Jesus was on the earth, rather Jesus had to submit to His Father. There was no mutual submission taking place. Even in the Garden of Gethsemane before Jesus went to the cross, He wrestled with His will and the will of the Father. He and the Father did not sit and talk about the situation to see if they could come to a mutual understanding on the matter. Jesus did everything His Father told Him to do.

You might contend, _If the role of the husband is symbolic to the role of Jesus to His Church, and Jesus submitted Himself, then our husbands need to submit to us?_ Good observation! Yes, Jesus submitted Himself—in that, you are correct; however, one thing to notice is to whom Jesus was submitting. Jesus was submitting Himself to a higher authority when He was on the earth. In other words, even though Jesus was God when He was on the earth, He was also in perfect subjection to His Father, who was above Him. You and I are not above our husbands. They are above us in rank. Our husbands do not owe us submission.

One might argue that when Christ says, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it" (Ephesians 5:25), that He is telling the husbands to also submit to the wife. Nowhere in Scripture, however, is it specifically recorded that husbands owe any kind of special submission to the wife as does the wife to the husband. Sure, we as Christians have a responsibility to serve one another and be subject one to another in Christ, but that does not mean we should observe this apart from the other verses in the Bible that specifically tell wives to submit to their husbands. Verses like Ephesians 5:22 tell us specifically that we need to perform that subjection.

Ladies, I realize that the prevailing idea is that women will become door mats if they submit to their husbands, but look at Ephesians 5:25 which says, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." Who is the one doing the laying down? The answer is Jesus, and the husband was told to be like Jesus. They have a great responsibility to care for us, even as their own flesh. Our husbands' responsibility to us as wives seems to be on an even higher level than ours, but their responsibility to us must not be confused with their submission to us. There is a difference between ministering to someone and submitting to them. Jesus never submitted Himself to man. The Scripture records, "But Jesus did not commit himself unto them, because he knew all men" (John 2:24). Even though Jesus never submitted Himself to man, He did serve us with His life and will serve us again: "Blessed are those servants, whom the lord when he cometh shall find watching: verily I say unto you, that he shall gird himself, and make them to sit down to meat, and will come forth and serve them" (Luke 12:37). The posture which Jesus takes is one of great humility, but He does not take orders from us. It is out of His heart of love that He expresses Himself to us.

What if My Husband Is Not a Christian, Do I Have to Submit to Him?

Apparently, the Lord realized that some wives would face this very problem, so to provide a solution for them, He made sure Peter wrote the following words: "If any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear" (1 Peter 3:1-2). The Apostle Peter was not simply talking about our speech when he used the word "conversation" but rather the manner in which a wife carries herself before her husband. Let me show you what I mean.

At a church I visited, I heard the pastor tell the sobering story of his conversion experience. He said that he had been a very wicked man. He talked about watching wicked movies, drinking liquor, etc. His wife also had been a very heavy drinker until she started to go to church. In the process of time, he noticed that her lifestyle had begun to change. She no longer scolded him for watching wicked movies. He also noticed that she was not drinking anymore. Instead, he found her doing things like praying, and he became bothered that she was not like him anymore. He finally decided to go to the church to find out what they were doing. Too shy to enter the building, however, he peeked through the key hole of the church door and listened to the service.

In this example, this pastor's wife lived a quiet and submissive life before her husband which eventually played an instrumental part in winning him for the Lord. What a wonderful testimony! What about you? Do you live a life before your husband that demonstrates that you are a Christian, or do you participate in the same unholy things that he does? Are you watching the same shows he watches or talking the same talk he talks? If so, how do you expect to win him for the Lord?

A lady once told me and my husband that if she had it to do all over again, she would never marry an unsaved man. Time and time again, we meet Christian women who have married non-Christian husbands. Often, these wives are torn. They want to serve the Lord, but it is difficult because of the constant strain of living with an unsaved man. If this is you, you are not alone, and there is hope! If you are married to a non-Christian man, instead of spending years living in regret and mourning over your decision, stop.

Repent before the Lord for becoming unequally yoked to an unbeliever and ask Him to forgive you. He is still in the business of forgiving sins, and He will forgive you of this sin if you sincerely repent.

Accept the reality of your decision, and don't run from it. If you run away from the bad decision in hopes of rectifying things with God or to have a better life somewhere else, you will just add to your troubles. Your last sin will now be greater than your first. Instead, ask the Lord to give you the grace to face your situation.

Practice the things you are learning in this book with your husband. If, for instance, this is your second marriage, leave all the old things behind. Don't bring up your ex-husband over and over again. Practice treating your unsaved husband the same way you would treat a Christian husband.

Be patient with your husband, and trust God for his salvation. Your husband may hurl religious slurs at you or make fun of Christianity, but be patient with him. Commit him to God, and pray for his salvation as you continue to treat him well.

I realize that even if a wife does all the right things, her husband still may not change. This is why I stress being obedient to the commands of God regardless of how you feel and regardless of your results.

Take Abigail as an example. Her husband, Nabal, was a stubborn and drunken man. The Scriptures say of him, "The man was churlish and evil in his doings" (1 Samuel 25:3). Yet, in spite of Nabal's wickedness, Abigail treated him well. One day, when David was coming after Nabal to kill him, instead of rejoicing over his potential demise, Abigail quickly entreated David to spare her husband. She said, "Upon me, my lord, upon me let this iniquity be: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid. Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, even Nabal: for as his name is, so is he; Nabal is his name, and folly is with him" (1 Samuel 25:24,25). Abigail could have said, "My husband is a horrible man, and I need to find someone else who will love me." Instead, Abigail stayed with Nabal until the Lord killed him (1 Samuel 25:38). Abigail stuck with her husband literally—"until death do us part." Read the story for yourself. It is a fascinating one.

To refresh your memory, the question posed was, What if my husband is not a Christian, do I have to submit to him? This is how one woman answered this question: "I would rather stand under the umbrella, even if it had holes, than to be outside of the will of God." Astounding!

Conclusion

Dear reader, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this book. I hope it has presented both a blessing and a challenge to you. As wives, we don't really realize how good we have it. Many times we are so ambitious to scale to the height of the universe, to accomplish great and mighty feats, that we fail to realize our greatest achievements will come in simple obedience and practice of our Lord's words.

The things I have written in this book are truths that the Lord needed me to learn and put into practice in order to move forward with Him and my husband. I am certain they are needful for you as well. Not knowing these basic truths is a great barrier to the joy and contentment you can experience here on earth.

I once thought that I could never be truly happy here on earth. I thought I could only be happy when I go to heaven. I was wrong! I have realized that my concept of happiness and the Lord's concept of happiness are two different kinds of happiness. Happiness doesn't come by wishing for it. The kind of happiness I was looking for required no real obedience on my part to the ways of Christ. Once I learned His definition of true happiness, my life has never been the same, and it is my hope that yours will not be the same either. Obediently following the disciplines of Christ is the only way—You Can Be a Happy Wife!

"These things have I spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full" (John 15:11).

NOTES
Part I

. Chisholm, T. O. (1866 – 1960). "Oh! To Be Like Thee."

Chapter 1

The Command

. Matthew Henry (1997). _Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Bible._ [electronic ed.] Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers.

. Anderson, Courtney. (1956). _To the Golden Shore._ Grand Rapids: Zondervan. In J. Piper (2012), _Adoniram Judson: How Few There Are Who Die So Hard!_ Minneapolis, MN: Desiring God.

Chapter 3

A Matter of the Heart

. Matthew Henry (1997). Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Bible. [electronic ed.] Peabody, MA: Hendrickson Publishers.

Chapter 11

Adornment

. Finney, C. G. (1876). Memoirs of Rev. Charles G. Finney. New York: A.S. Barnes & Company.

Chapter 14

Help Meet

. "Born to be mothers" by Elisabeth Elliot. Heard on BBN. Printed with permission.

About the Author

Rebekah Prewitt holds an MA in Christian Counseling and has spent the last several years of her life researching and studying the role of the wife. While exploring the various aspects of marriage and wrestling with the popular views of modern counselors on the subject, she carefully documented the disparity between the teachings of the Bible and the accepted practices of modern women as well as the various conflicting views presented by counselors. These discoveries led her to specifically dedicate the climax of her research to the role of the wife in the Scriptures which ultimately led to the creation of this book.

Connect with Rebekah Prewitt

To contact Rebekah Prewitt, email her at rp@lakecitycounsel.com

