(dramatic whoosh)
- Yeah, dude!
Let's be really clear that
cocaine is not good for you,
and it does not make people act cool.
You can ask any of my "Jackass" buddies
what I was like on cocaine,
and none of 'em are gonna say nice things.
- Imagine getting hit in
the head with a ball bat,
but that ball bat is Steve-O's tongue.
(groaning)
He just, right here.
Right up in your grill.
- He was just a total kook.
- He was out of control.
- If I wanted to get into
what a mess I was on drugs,
there's plenty of footage.
Trust me.
But, what we're talkin'
about in this video
is the celebrities that
I did cocaine with.
There were a bunch,
and I'm gonna throw a few of
'em under the bus right now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
get ready to be happy.
It's time for Celebrity
Cocaine Stories, with Steve-O.
(applause and cheering)
(audience member whistling)
Paris Hilton was always very sweet to me.
(laughing)
She really was.
She would invite me to her parties,
and I'm pretty sure it was because
I never failed to do
some seriously dumb shit.
For example,
one time I showed up with my backpack,
pulled my laptop out of it,
and I showed her every
pornographic sex video I had ever made.
(laughing)
And, I had made quite a few.
Of course, none of them were very long.
(laughing)
I'm more of a Vine guy.
(laughing)
I know that's an old joke, but...
(laughing)
Now, when I was showing my
sex videos to Paris Hilton,
it was amazing.
I felt like I was showing my
skateboarding videos to Tony Hawk.
(laughing)
And, I loved going to her parties,
because it was always snowing.
(laughing and scoffing)
You could bet your ass
somewhere in that party
there was a blizzard going on.
(laughing)
And, I was like a weather man.
(laughing)
Tracking the storm.
(laughing)
One time, Paris had a big party
at a fancy hotel in Miami.
It's where I met Kid Rock.
- Woo!
- Coolest dude, ever.
So...
Me and Kid Rock,
we went into this big, empty room,
in the hotel, with a couple chicks.
I'll never forget,
it had a huge piano.
Kid Rock walked up to that piano,
and he dumped out onto it,
more fucking cocaine
than I have ever seen dumped
out for personal usage.
(laughing)
You picture somebody chopping a line with
a razor blade or a credit card.
Mother fucker used his whole arm.
(laughing)
Right across the whole piano.
(laughing)
I jumped back.
I said, what the fuck is that?
His exact words were,
we'll just chip away at it.
(laughing)
And, we were still chipping away at it
at 2:00 p.m. the next day.
(laughing)
I've never heard about Kid Rock
having a problem with that stuff.
I think he might be super-human.
Somehow able to handle it, unlike me.
(laughing)
And, Lindsay Lohan.
(laughing)
Who I always used to affectionately call,
Lindsay Blowhan.
(laughing)
And, I did coke with her a bunch of times.
But, one was way crazier than the rest.
She was all fucked up.
(laughing)
Acting real weird.
And, at one point,
she asked me to hold up my baggie.
I thought nothing of it.
I held up my baggie,
and she snatched it outta my hand.
I said...
Give that back!
(laughing)
And she said, uh-uh.
(laughing)
I said, you stole my coke!
And she said, uh-huh.
(laughing)
And now, it's time for you to leave.
- [Audience] Oh.
- Such a mean girl.
(laughing)
(clapping)
Of course, I did leave.
I had to go tell everybody.
(laughing)
I mean, it's easy to
get another bag of coke.
But, how often can you
go tell all your bro's
that you just got mugged by Lindsay Lohan?
(laughing)
I used to think that bit
was so wild and crazy.
But now, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm on The Bucket List tour.
It's a show about the most
fucked up "Jackass" ideas
that I never thought I would
actually go through with.
And then, I went through with them,
and I filmed it.
And, after each bit in this show,
I screen this footage for you.
I'm telling you, it's heavy.
We have dudes fainting.
You just passed out?
(oafish music)
Here's my tour dates.
(mimics explosion)
There's a free meet and greet for
everybody in attendance after each show.
I can't wait.
I'll see you on the road.
And, the only crazier
cocaine story that I have,
which I'm allowed to tell,
you can find in the video description.
It's me and Mike Tyson.
That shit is off the charts.
Say what's up, Bam.
- Yeah, mon!
(laughing)
- And, Andy Roy.
(screams)
Woo!
