There are three questions that enter the mind of every child in this age.
Good parenting and education is that
which protects a child from herd mentality
When we see a problem within our children
so first we must examine ourselves to check whether we have the same problem or not.
 
If we argue that the biggest tragedy of the 21st century which was never inflicted on the scale it is now
What seems to me is,
that we have successfully gotten rid of the values of traditional societies
which were formulated over a period of centuries
were made ambiguous for us.
 
And gave importance to those aspects which were never deemed as worthwhile values in traditional societies.
First premise is this.
Secondly, If we are more specific so I think
that identity crisis
is a very big problem of the 21st century.
What does Identity crisis mean?
Identity crisis is a term
but what does it imply?
It means that a person is unable to understand any meaningful reason for his existence.
He is unable to find any purpose for his life.
He feels that his existence is useless
He is unable to fathom any spiritually satisfying purpose for his existence.
And
When one faces an identity crisis then his commitment to values becomes weak.
When one faces an identity crisis, one feels ashamed of his mother tongue and apologetic of his society's values.
One is unable to be proud of his parents.
You are unable to feel a connection with your homeland and your religion in the way people used to feel in traditional societies.
For you, relationship is not important anymore
Relationships are not important anymore
The factor which governs your relationships is money.
Money determines whether you stay in the neighborhood where your forefathers lived or you shift from there
So you find your future in an  snow-capped valley
And your homeland where you could hear the voice of the azaan without any effort
Where you find an acquaintance in every street, you leave it all behind.
These were some general considerations.
It might have felt philosophical.
Now I'll be more specific and clarify myself in the context of psychology
There are three questions which emerge inside every child of our times.
Every child of our times encounters these three questions
The duration and intensity of these questions solely depends on
the kind of taleem o tarbiyah (upbringing and education) he receives.
If he receives an enlightened upbringing,
then these questions will weaken in his mind. I'll tell you these three questions;
The first question:
which emerges in the first ten years of his life
And this question governs his psychic condition
The question which governs his psychic condition is
Then after ten years, two more questions enter his life.
The question which emerges in the first ten years of his life is;
"Am I being noticed or not?"
Am I receiving attention or not?
He leaves his favourite toy only because you (parents) are not paying attention to him.
He puts his favourite story book aside only because
you are busy elsewhere.
He wants that whenever he reads the book you are there watching him.
He wants to stay noticeable.
And this a problem facing him in the first 10 years.
Sometimes,
A kid who receives adequate attention, is free of this question very early on in his life
That child who is receiving a meaningful taleem o tarbiyah, frees himself from this dilemma
Otherwise,
It is quite possible that even by the age of 45, we remain encapsulated in this question.
So the mother and father are also facing this problem
The Colonel Uncle is still not free from the clutches of this problem.
Everyone carries the same problem with them.
And the problem is, "Am I being noticed or not?"
The other two questions are those which enter his life a few years before adolescence
And encapture him with all might
These three questions have a profound impact on us and our child's psychology.
How one gets rid of this impact?
How one protects oneself from this impact?
This is the fundamental quality of a meaningful taleem o tarbiyah
As a result of a good taleem o tarbiyah, one frees himself of the cluthces of these question.
The second question is; " How am I looking?"
How am I looking?
You can either send your kid to a religious institution or a secular one
Send him to an Islamic school or a secular school.
This question will enter his life just before adolescence
To stand infront of the mirror will become his psychological need.
To see himself again and again will become his psychological need.
And he will be extremely cautious about his looks and presentation
He as entered a phase of heightened self consciousness.
And how will he free himself from the clutches of this question.
When he will be educated. When his upbringing will be good.
The lesser the amount of Tarbiyah and knowledge,
This question will be subdued
But this question will not go away.
That person,
who maintains
a heedless attitude regarding his overall look
But because of his friends' and family's psychological wellbeing, maintains
a respectable dressing. This person is one who has been bred well.
Otherwise he will be after his dad that I want to wear only branded clothes.
He won't be satisfied with anything less.
The father himself will be adamant that he will only wear clothing from a particular brand.
Even the elders are much like kids afterall.
If we see a problem within our children,
Then first we must be worried whether we (the parents) suffer from it too?
The first question was; "Am I being noticed or not?"
Usually this question manifests itself more profoundly during the first 10 years.
 
After that, the second question enters his life.
Sometimes,
the second question enters his life in the age of ten years, sometimes it can also emerge before
Sometimes, it also emerges in the age of 8 or 7
Then comes the third question;
"What does my Club think about me?"
(What do my friends think of me?)
Those people whom I count in my Club.
What is a Club?
Club is
A child will not associate with every person in this society
He will only associate with "some" people
He thinks of himself from amongst "them"
They are we and we are they
 
They are special people
the "cool" crowd
That's his age group.
He relates with this age group and calls it his "club".
For him, they are his friends
they can be his class fellows as well
this particular group
And with this club, his emotional attachment is much similar to the attachment a girl feels with her parents
You (husband) can try and badmouth about his wife's parents...
Then you can judge the reaction.
A child's friends are much like a married woman's parents.
When you tell your child that from tomorrow you mustn't roam around with so and so child. He is not nice.
He won't stop roaming around with this person. that doesn't happen.
He only learns not to mention that friend's name infront of you (parents).
And if you try to be firm then as a result, his relationship with you might become poor but not that friend.
Get it? This needs to be understood.
His psychic condition is entirely encapsulated by these three questions
The 21st century has succesfully alienated us with those questions which joins a man to his purpose
And baffled us with those questions which are trivial and superficial.
We need to get out of this.
To impart taleem o tarbiyah (enlightened upbringing) on our kids is a form of knowledge and art.
For that, we'll need to work on ourselves first and then understand our child's psychology
And also work on our family values and structure, since its pivotal as Dr. just mentioned.
Unite our selves with the Rabb
And try to understand what is the desired state of mankind by God.
Who is successful in God's eyes.
4 trillion people, or 7 trillion or 2 trillion people present a certain worldview, but I won't be influenced by it.
But the desired human condition of God must be the goal I should be vying to achieve. Since that is a part of my faith.
This is my most important need which I need to understand first and foremost.
I should spend more time with myself and reflect.
One thing that I often think about is;
Enlightened Upbringing (Tarbiyah) won't happen as a result of imparting maximum knowledge to a child
Tarbiyah happens when you are successfully able to make a child realize that
That the most important thing in life is Deen (Religion).
What is most important is what my Rabb wants me to do.
That child which probably has less knowledge
But Deen is extremely important for him
He is much better than the kid who has lots of  knowledge,
never lost any quiz competition,
Has an answer to every question,
is  a high achiever in school, but Deen is not important for him
or Allah's (SWT) will and Prophet (SAW)'s sunnah is not the most important aspect of his life
How does one achieve this?
Make it the most important aspect of your (parents) lifestyle.
Establish a close bond with your child
In order to make one do what you desire, you need to be his/her favourite person first.
A huge dilemma that our child faces today is
that the person who is most concerned about their child's life after death
He is not the child's favourite person.
Without becoming a child's favourite person;
Atleast I cannot possibly bring my child closer to the Rabb and the Deen.
So now, the things that must be done (3,4) are as follows:
1. Most important point raised by Dr. sb that
To have a connection with the Rabb, and a reasonable religious understanding. And to work on ourselves in this regard.
2. To have close bond with the child
You must have a very good understanding with your child
You must be your child's favourite person
That person who is not the child's favourite
And follows the commandments of the Deen
I am afraid that this person might alienate the child with his Deen.
If I am not my child's favourite person
Yet I invite my child to the Deen,
It is quite probable that he gets detached to the Deen
I must become my child's favourite person in order to enact this obligation (of involving my child with the Deen)
3. We must understand the child's psychic condition.
In our lifestyle, children don't require things as much as they require attention, affection, relationship
A lot of people feel that for good parenting one must earn a lot
The biggest assets to great parenting are ethics, wisdom,
strength of faith
not a person's financial condition
Financial strength can be more troublesome for good parenting instead of comfort (in parenting)
More wisdom, better understanding of ethics and morals along with a strong faith in God, these are the traits required for great parenting
These were some general considerations on the topic
One more thing which needs to be shed some light upon that
Good parenting is that which shields a child from herd mentality
We must be concerned about protecting our children from herd mentality
Something which everyone is doing
but we (parents) are unable to find and worthwhile justification for it
we must ourselves stay away from it and then protect our children from it as well.
How will this quality emerge in me?
These are some points which we must ponder over.
