Not
Yo, man, what's the matter with you sorry i'll get it next time I promise
Damn come on girl watch the beat
All right, we've got real debt
The important things that you tried yeah
It's plain
Fun colleen girls just want to have fun. Hey, that's a song
We are the queen so i'll shout help
I'm so bad. It's a crime. Not not
Look at his cute little nipple. Oh my god, it won't cover up
You know, I don't have to come and beat the skins for you two beliebers shut up, you know, we love you
I remember when he ripped off his shirt before and we saw his yummy ichabod
I nearly wrote a whole blog about it girl. Hashtag. Icha. God you did I did not not not
No
shit
No
What's that noise?
Oh, no, do you two?
Uncompromising rebel riot girls actually have to go back to work shut up bodily functions. Yeah, excuse me
Condescending riot girls, uh, we'll take two packs of smokes, uh, give me a bag of milk
And once you throw in the best most exciting years of your life stuck behind the counter, eh, you're a dick ichabod
Oh, that's mean I call you dickabod
I can't believe it took you this long to think of dickabod
That was a lot longer than 10 minutes, uh, my best friend was having lady problems in the bathroom. Okay, may I shop sure?
Mr. Pedophile in denial so i'll see you guys friday
I said eh
Hi
I'm true north this week's issue of them and his pocky charms
And um
Oh my god, this is about you two
Yes, ma'am, and we hate it
It says here that you saved a man's life, but it's like dumb because the guy was a walrus not a manatee
There's a big difference. Yeah, a walrus has tusks and manatees. Don't did you know they called the manatee a sea cow?
I'm utterly underwater. Hey
move away
That's her underwater cow. It's hysterical. That is funny
Come on, wayne
Moo moo, i'm a loser. Hey
Okay that kid rules more of that less of everything else ever
100 calories here 100 calories here my god, could you stop being so basic? Oh, I gotta grab the shit out of this
The little colleen coalition the only sassy sexy sophomores in honor's history rocking the smocks
Where's the pepto-bismol
Ew what's over
There sorry about that. He's such a sitcom. Yeah. Well we close in 20 minutes
So if he pukes you're cleaning it up, let me ask you something you ladies like working in the zed
Not at all customers make it suck. Yeah, you know what wouldn't
suck colleen and colleen with me in between
The very definition of suck are the colleen's per chance working tomorrow
Not on friday night. No way
We're off why I would like to invite you both to my party a senior party a ninja nerdy
Now with two very cool sophomores
May I have the honor of your number mademoiselle
Who's there come on come on wherever you are?
A grade 12 party with boys. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no
I am not about to let you go to a grade 12 party with boys. Colleen
It's just a grade 12 party
It's not the nazi party senior boys only invite sophomore girls to parties for one thing
Well me and colleen. Don't do that. And even if we did
We have our periods this week. No, you don't little liar. We're always in sync and I don't get mine for two more weeks
Holy shit, you still get your period miss mackenzie
Please you have to let me go to this party. It's only the most important night of my entire life
No way just the thought of going to a grade 12 party has you lying to me about your menstrual cycle?
And you know a woman's menstrual cycle is sacred colleen i'm talking about the period blood of women
Please just let me go mom. I promise I won't sew all my gender ever again on one condition you bring something stabby
They get cute
They get cut oh shit
I call her the moyle. She's my date knife. Thanks
So we start with pretentious frog pretentious frog I only eat grass-fed flies
The dissatisfied customer
The satisfied customer
I don't like the product. You've given me atlas shrugged
atlas shrugged
We got atlas and then we shrug lasers from the wrists lasers from the wrists
Yoga fat yoga fat awkward conversationalist. We put our foot in the mouth foot in the mouth upward dog
our favorite canine
downward dog
And we go three-legged dog
That's sad three-legged dog. Look at that dog, but you know what sadder?
two-legged dog and he's in his little push cart his little makeshift wheelbarrow, and he's pushing himself along we push
right into lotus position
And we feel positive energy all around us and let's hold on to that positive energy in the room
But you know, I did read on the message boards at
canadiancorpses.com that they've been finding body parts all over winnipeg for the last few months
Body parts. Oh, yeah arms legs heads scalps torsos feet hands nipples dinkies
Dinkies. Oh
I said take my dinky first, but leave me my nipples
It's basically a vestigial dinky at this point, but you take my nipples
And that's my identity
There is some real negativity in the world girls
But remember negative space can still be a design I said as long as you live the yoga way
And you breathe the yoga way and yes
You even have to shit the yoga way seriously sit in lord's position next time you're on the toilet everything just falls out of you
like you
dump in a book bag a book bag full of
Don't post that one though. Okay. Yeah, you look basic
What in the ham and eggs is this all about it looks like a vancouver hockey riot in here, what'd you do rob them all
Hi dad
Hi. Mr. Clay. What are you doing with all these clothes? We're screaming outfits
Oh, yeah, never gets the most likes we wear to the party tomorrow night a grade 12 party
No
a grade 12 party already
Oh, where did my little girl go? No, stop you're gonna make me cry
Hey, hey matt's gonna make me cry. Hey hey
I got a bite
My god, it looks like a vancouver hockey riot in here. No, I know. What is this. What are you two doing?
They're picking out their outfits for a party tomorrow a grade 12 party
Time big time well seniors now
She's only supposed to go to sophomore mixers. I thought yeah, right. Come on tabs. We all know you can't think
Uh-huh. Okay, okay
When I went to canada registered tonight the back room was a mess. Yeah coley
Okay, they can't be practicing in the back of the store anymore. Bob
Last year why they blew out the power with their amps. Yeah, it's bad enough
The two of them are always with their faces and their phones behind the camera
Play their so-called music in the back room with that pederast loser and you're like god knows what else eh, that's disgusting
So absolutely disgusting and like, who are we you?
Skeezing on losers is your superpower?
This isn't skeezing. Okay?
I fell in love with your father after he made you manage her and as manager, you know what i've noticed
Where'd all the beaver stuff he's going?
Not the beavers. Oh
Yeah, no, that's a big seller
They didn't sell them. I checked their receipts. Yeah, you should check this out
Where'd all my beavers go frankly tabitha, I don't give a damn about your beavers
We're just gonna go in our room and i'm gonna i'm gonna uh, we're just gonna go watch a movie, okay,
Uh, can you do me a favor? Can you just leave the door?
Open go
Love you dad
Close the door bob
All the way bob
She told me not to god. Uh, she's the daughter bob. Not the parent. You're in charge not her
What do you want me to do? Hey
That's my little girl. It's my little girl
I'm your little girl pop
Do you want to ride the ferris wheel bob don't talk about the ferris wheel don't talk
You want to go for a ride on the ferris wheel? I don't want to go
No, you want to jump in the bouncy house. You'll let me jump in the bouncy
Oh my house what you finished already, oh, come on
I'm sorry
Sorry
What is she playing?
Babe i'm leaving I must be on my way
The time is
drawing me
I used to sing this story when she was a baby
My train is going
I
She just remembers it but i'll be lonely without you
So, please believe me my heart is in your hands
I need please
Babe, I love you
Goddamn yoga hosers
You know, it's you babe whenever I can wear
The courage and the strength I need please believe
Babe I love you, babe. I love you
I can't believe they actually have the balls to try to call this yoga. I know
How are you girls
This quick on you photobombed us way hypnos work
What makes you two think that you can sit up with yoga class this morning?
This isn't yoga this is like a parody of yoga and our yoga instructor gave us this note to give to you ms wicklin
We have permission to sit ud anytime you do yoga here in phys ed because it is what his teachings derail by what he calls
the abortion of phys ed yoga
Well far be it me to argue with the strip ma swami
Uh, technically he's a yogi, right?
Technically there's a school honor policy about camera phones and pe there it is
Dude, do any of you ladies want to be photographed by these two while you're all sweating like hags?
I didn't think so
Is she talking about us? No, she's talking about the other two colleen's behind us
I'm talking about your entire generation
Generation why me I call it
You live on your phones you have no idea how to function like normal people in the real world miss wicklund
This isn't the real world. This is canada
Oh is that raining?
Well about you save your kambash and sass for your tweets and your facebookings and try clicking like on this girls
No phones for the rest of the day
What
You can get him back at 2 45 after the last spell miss quickland
Our phones are who we are if you take away my phone like sometimes sort of pygmy and monaco. Who am I supposed to be?
I feel like i'm gonna pass out. I'm not calling them having hot flashes. You had a new phone plan now girls
unlimited minutes
Unlimited looks to the world around you and no roping charges
So go rome
without your phones
Here we go
Are you happy ms wicklund you killed colleen
Greetings spurring scholars. Are you ready to go deep inside the annals of history?
We're still talking about world war ii
Fascism
genocide
the worst thing that has ever happened to
Humankind. Ah
Why do we even gotta learn about this old stuff? Anyway, miss maurice, I mean
It happened like a million miles away like a million years ago
You all think history is so boring
Well, what if I told you during world war ii there were nazis right here in winnipeg
All of them making preparation for the day hitler finally came to conquer canada and the united states
There were nazis here in canada miss marie's let's see
What can I tell you about canadian nazis?
Well many years back in the 1930s there was a great depression in the true north
canadians were hungry
Some turn their hunger into anger and they look for someone else to blame for the country's financial walls
And as a result in toronto the first swastika club opens
A pub full of drunks offering up anti-semitic gravel a boot deporting canadian juice to the hudson bay
Wait, they want to send them shopping
Not to the hudson bay department store miss colette i'm talking about the actual hudson bay
Like put them all in the water. That's just so wrong
The canadian union of fascists was founded right here in winnipeg by a manny tobin and over in quebec
You had the big kahuna of crazy himself the naughtiest of all not bars
The self-proclaimed canadian fuhrer so this archon guy was like canadian hitler
Is that as bad as like canadian idol? Nothing's as bad as canadian idol, right?
Let me take you back to a time in canadian history. This nation has tried so very hard to forget
It is trying time
was an anti-semitic journalist in montreal who spare-headed a series of fascist political movement in quebec before the start of world war ii
Why are you hungry?
Why are you unemployed?
Is it?
As our ally in germany adolf hitler tells us
the fault
Of the canadian. Jew. Yes, it is
Now henry hamilton bemis suggests that to save canada from ethnic ruin
We must send all canadian jews to madagascar
Instead we at the party national have a better plan
First
We will round up all canadian jews and ship them off to the onsen bay
then
We will fire cannons at their boats
And sink them. Oh
Why are you not applauding naturally these atrocious ideas were met with derisions from the good and mighty people of quebec
This planet is shit, but not everybody in attendance. That day was from quebec
Andronicus arcane was a brilliant scientist from berlin who was teaching at the university of la chute in quebec
When he first heard the clarion call of the nazi party so aries
Took andronicus arcane under his wing
And soon there were more
These jack-booted thugs would torment immigrants and minorities throughout montreal
They call themselves the national unity party of canada
Which was a very polite way of saying
canadian nazis
So whatever happened to these guys miss maurice
They ever get caught in 1940 the stuttering quebec arrested at riacon
And under the war measures act arco was locked up as a security threat to a home in native land he died in
1967 still believing hitler would rise again. But what about the man from berlin? Oh, yeah. What about him?
Andronicus arcane
He was never found
He just
disappeared proof
Perfect timing last dismissed
Oh
How basic straight from the a to z. It's the mounty mcbeaver doll
I know my beaver stuff. He's going well. Frankly. Tabitha. I don't give a damn about your beavers
Are you doing me?
That's hysterical I don't
Come on isn't anybody on duty who's dropping a duty in my office?
What a nice
Surprise, it's lulu and lemon good afternoon. Principal invincible. Good afternoon colleen squared
We're here for our phones. We haven't had them since p.e
Miss wicklund unjustly confiscated them and colleen here fainted my past dude. Oh, we're not pressing charges or anything
We're not going crazy
We just want our phones back now
please oh, of course girls and I am so so sorry that that happened to you the sad tale of
Heart-wrenching. Whoa. I mean, it could win an oscar really you could write it up sell it and win an oscar
Seriously, you could call it
Um 12 years a private school student. You see what I did there I compared your privileged lives to slaves
And that's weird
Because i'm black
That's not funny sorry principal invincible
Here
And keep your faces out of your phones
I don't care if they do have a cool gummy rubber cover that you can personalize
We have the same case. I know very trendy my friendy. Oh ladies. I am an educator
It is my job to shape the minds of the young and the stupid so I need to be able to think like the young
And the stupid which means i'm not gonna let my students be cooler than me. I do my research. I read this rag weekly
Oh my god
We read that every week. Oh, I know famous
People are just like you paige is the best, you know
When they like show celebrities doing normal things like just like that is the best part of them weekly one time
They showed harry styles buying bacon
It was so hot so hot, okay. All right. I need to run the school
Be good colleen's and be nice. All right, there's enough haters in the world already
yes, principal invincible
Oh my
God, my phone's dead. My phone's dead. Oh my god. My phone's dead children should not play with dead things
My name is geelar point
Right here so the good news is your skull library does indeed have a copy of my book
What
and the quite the clear case of the
manitoba manatee
The bad news is regrettably
Some naughty student has decided to deface it by
changing the word ghee and adding an a
So that it says again
And also
They added a set of testicles right under my nose you see that you see that
With the kind of you know, awful pokey hair that I don't know why sticking out of them
I think you can put it down now. Oh, okay
Haters have got to hate like the douches have to douche
That's the life right there in a nutshell. I'm not referring to that
nutshell either
I don't know if you guys remember this but you know we did meet once before do you? Oh, we remember you you do
Yeah, you came to aida zed with that. American girl in that podcaster. Yeah, you're the legendary manhunter from quebec. Yes
I am that man the man who saved the winnipeg. Walrus
Wow, you know something that's that's a very good title ghee la plant
and the winnipeg walrus
God, damn it. I should have chose that title. But you know still we did. Okay without it. I mean it was uh,
One critic even described my book as like a you know, um, like a uh, john grisham is thriller
It was said in the canada
That review I showed to my mother. Oh, um
You know that was like the good one and the rest of them were not so kind you see
I read one from the toronto paper that said this is what happens when you publish
a poop
People can be goddamn mean you know
Sorry, that was that was very rude. Sorry right onto my questions then do either of you
Recognize this very proud. And uh
Quite hairy canadian. That was that giant fart that called us yoga hosers. Oh toilet paper man. Yeah
Why toilet paper man because he bought toilet paper toilet paper
And for this reason one you call this man the toilet paper man. Well, yeah
I don't mean to be a critic
maybe I do maybe you need to be hurt i'm telling you now that is one of the
Stupidest names I ever heard in my life, very unimaginative
It's pretty rude
Yeah, this man's name is the francoise
He's from gatineau quebec
and he was a fugitive from the law and he was hiding out right here hiding from what he was hiding from the
Investigating prowess of the sovereignty of quebec which is kind of a joke because like they couldn't find their own bottles
Even with like a bottle application on their telephone to find their plateau
Okay
I probably shouldn't say buckle to two 14 year old girls. I'm, so sorry. We're 15 and a half. Well, whatever
You sold a roll of eight is that the discount brand bathroom tissue
Uh to the toilet paper man at what time?
Right about closing. Yeah
He was all mad because we had the store closed for like five minutes because we were going to the bathroom
You went to the bathroom together
Well, yeah
I had to poop and I don't like to go alone there the toilet's weird
so
while she's pooping
You're sitting there with her. Yeah, we're best friends. Yeah. Why would we not that's quite disgusting
Uh the best of luck on your academic journey
Um, I don't know what you plan to do in life, but I can promise you that you won't need algebra
I knew it good day
Well, wait what toilet paper man do
So toilet paper man was uh
Oh my god
It was cut into like a hundred pieces
Oh, no way. Well, anyway you two girls with the same name
I thank you so much for your time and i'll give you the artwork that I should have given you before good. I thank you
Okay
Ew why did your dad text me like 37 times? Oh my god, he's making us work tonight
You're going tonight
Like a couple of californians, how about right now? Yeah, you can't leave
Ah, it's niagara falls colleen. We're setting sail on the maid of the mist when did this happen?
Oh tabitha surprised me with us an early birthday present this morning. Tabitha
Okay, you listen to me. I left you ten messages and a bushel of texts
I'm, sorry, but you gotta work at the store tonight
We can't actually yes
You can go lean in because I clean it with your mom and you're gonna be staying with the mckenzies until sunday morning. Mr
Club, we got invited to a grade 12 party tonight. Do you not remember?
All I remember is tabitha telling me something about flying in niagara falls. And after that it is a blur bliss
You're gonna be working from 6 pm until closing and don't forget to set the alarm before you lock up
Okay, you did this on purpose didn't you?
You could have taken him any day, but you picked today just so we couldn't go to the party
I have no idea what you're talking about. Colleen
Oh goddamn's yoga. Oh, I love you so much cauliflower. I love you so much. Listen. No, boys. No, boys. No bull. No boys
No, boys. Okay, I gotta go dad
dad
Dad you can't leave yeah
God no, no, no, no. No. Oh you are killing me. You understand me killing me
Bark all you want lawyer pants usa, I am not ceasing or desisting
Oh, is that so? Well, I think you're being rather obtuse and super fruity. So let's just say namaste and leave it at that. Eh
namaste
Piece of beaver shit p for shit
Sorry girls
I am so sorry. You girls had to hear that
Parasite stealing my energy with this legal entitlement. Why does that lawyer from warner brothers even keep calling you yogi bear?
Oh, who knows he says there's some cartoon character that i'm violating
I mean, how can you violate a cartoon? How do you own a cartoon? Right? Yeah. It's like a thing. That doesn't
Exist, it's like owning a leprechaun
rude, rude
So rude, okay. Let's get back into it enough saskatoon
Let's get back into our warrior one
Top two
Come and get me now you serenity steelers
All you need to handle any situation in life are the warrior one and warrior two positions girls
Okay, master those and you will master anyone who gives you shit
Now, let's go lotus for our closing meditation
Yoga teaches us to take what the universe gives
And what?
Embrace it. No
Fight against it we fight against it yoga demands that we grab the universe
By the throat and we just choke it until it bends to our will
We inflict yoga on our enemies until they join us in. Peace
Always be peaceful change girls
But if you have to you destroy everything that threatens anyone or anything that you love by hooker by crook that's the yoga way
Wow
Please join me in a final prayer
Yoga fat yoga fat yoga fat yoga
Big fan and uh first time caller pack of uh, true north menthol
Those are lights, sorry boo that
You know girls that's just not very canadian
Come on robin, let's get out of here
Technically lost like you know, what is the process when you're going through the second process?
Hello
Please don't hate us but we got called into work tonight. That sucks. Yeah, it really sucks because there's like nobody here tonight either
Holy shit, what we could have a party right here
Hunter hello, this is colleen c. Uh, we unfortunately cannot make it to your party tonight, but we want to invite you to another party
Hold on this shit's loud. Let me go to the bedroom so I can hear
You want me to bring the party to you guys
Won't your dad flip if we're drinking beers in the zed. Oh, don't you worry about that?
My dad's long gone in niagara falls with the store manager
And bring beers. We don't have any booze here
Did you say he moves?
Up
What time should we head to the zedd
Nine o'clock perfect. We'll be there
And I can't wait to see you. Colleen m
Show you what i'm really all about
What what the hell was that
Here we go going to the zed again is so stupid
Sorry
Now follow me on this gordon
These girls just gift wrapped themselves for us
We were gonna have to dig shallow graves after we cut them up now. We're going to their store
We kill them in the store shit
We can take our time
Do it, right
We can leave their bodies right between the pucky charms and the chuggalogs
And all we got to do is take the money from the register break some shit on the way out
And make it look like a failed robbery gone bad. Eh
These stupid sophomore bitches want to have a party at the zet
We'll give them a party at the set
Their farewell party. Yo
Lips only I mean in the store
Keep it tasteful mackenzie. Don't whore him on the first date casual not contrived. I'll give the best advice
You're my best friend in the whole world
You're mine
Hear that that's our destiny knocking at the back door
Hi ladies, we are here to cordially accept your invitation to party hardy
What's he doing here and where's everybody else
Where's everybody else
Well when I made the other seniors the same very generous offer. You made me to move the party here
Yeah, they all laughed at you
Talia simmons said and I quote a party at the scummy aunt who's in with those two little girls from honors history. No way
I'd rather kiss gordon greenlee i'd rather kiss
She didn't say that ma'am. She was thinking it
anyways
I've never been much of a follower. So
I left all those losers behind and came here to hang with you, too
You left your own party parties are basic this is better this is what they call in the states a kickback stays eh
And I brought gordon so colleen c would have someone to talk to what little miss colleen m gives me
a private tour
Looks like it's just us eh
Maybe we should form the just us league a little kickback hook up. Yeah
So this is the eight and said back room again
Epic clean it I call it the highway to hell because it is right through that door and it is that's pretty much our hell
highway to hell
Wow devil talk always gives me goosebumps see
See yeah
You believe in satan I I used to believe in santa does that count
Me and gordon are
way into satan
Kind of like how you and colleen are way into yoga
Or your band. Yeah
now
The good news is that we're canadian satanists
So we don't go in for any of that touchy stuff
your virtue stays intact
It's gotta you know, why why
you see
Satan seeks his souls pure
And there are no virgins in grade 12
All the virgins are in grade 10
Well, i've just been waiting for the right person
In the right place, you are so adorable mackenzie. You think I want your body?
I don't want your body
I just want your untouched
virgin soul
Okay
but
Well the shit sandwich of it all
I kind of gotta cut you open to get to it
Oh, you know i'll be right back just one day
I thank you for your sacrifice. Colleen m every pure soul. I give to satan brings me one step closer to meeting the beast
And that's gonna be so metal
What the hell's that that's my mom's dating knife pointed at your balls
Oh, okay. Is that enough metal for you? Or do you want more? No, no, no. No. No
Can we talk about this talk to the loyal? Okay. Okay, put the knife down pretty boy
Oh
Okay
Knife's down
I guess I got a little carried away there. Sorry boot that and I was gonna let you get to second base
There's something inside of me are you okay help me
Colleen here we go. Colleen colleen
Mackenzie
Gordon please stop begging. Okay, you are not getting any my ass. Gordon. I swear to god if you puke you're cleaning it up
Stop just
Is this what happens when you smoke weed
Uh colleen
Hey, what the hell was that?
Nine nine nine nine nine six seven. Oh hell no
Shut up
Did you know hunter galloway was religious
Oh
My cup
Security lights
9-1-1. Eh hello. We're being attacked by a little sausage man with concentrated terracotta blood that looks like adolf
Oh hitler
Well, he sure is a nasty camper worse than dr. Doom and darth vader combined
Yeah, boy, shut up old man. Send a bunch of cops out on portage and wayne and bring somebody back
hurry
Hello
Hello
Goddamn yoga hosers
Seriously
Sausage party, I don't want to die in canada. I'm not going to die in. Canada. There's no other way. Oh, there's always another way
The yoga way yogurt the yoga way
Okay warrior one hold it mackenzie. Hold it one or two back to back
Now on warrior three will you get the shit out of these bratwurst bitches? Okay. Okay warrior three
Again i'm not even supposed to be here today
Oh
Then let's drop that
Is
This is so basic, this is beyond basic
So basis
Stop it, itchy. Stop it
All right, come on come on
All right, you got a boot 10 minutes before the rcmp come back
I'll try to stall them as long as I can, you know
Thank you very much for doing this. I cannot know how to repay you. No. No, thank you. Look this book
Is my bible?
And you're like a goddamn canadian? Batman? Eh
Oh, that is so touching. I cannot believe
So
Um, I thought that maybe you might need a stiff drink
You saw my mom, where is she she's out there, I think that she's trying to post bail, you know
You're a father whose name I think is bob collette. They are having a heck of a time getting in touch with that man
He's in niagara falls
the
Rcmp will not let your mommy
Bail you out of here because the rcmp
Don't ever let uh serial killers out on bail
and they're saying that you are both the
serial killers because you killed those
Those uh, two boys, you know, you killed the absolute shit out of them, but we didn't kill the boys. We didn't kill anybody
They were gonna kill us. They were devil worshipers
I don't really know much about the devil, but
There we go
Somebody sure put their poopholes through hell, you know, we didn't do this
Who did then it was the broadseas
Ratchees
I want to know what this bratz is. What is a bratz say?
It's like a foot tall canadian nazi, and it's made of bratwurst
They have concentrated sauerkraut for blood and they're dressed like mountain and beaver stuffies
Are you guys tripping on the pot?
That mean do you even hear how crazy that sounds?
Oh, yes
So when I go down to the old days I said and I have a look around myself, you know
Gila point style and you want to know what I believe now?
What?
I believe
If I believe you
You saw them? No, I saw only this, you know, it was buried in the world of cheese at the back of the microwave
I found this
What's this this is a land purchasing game and it designed in 1939
By the self-proclaimed canadian fuhrer
adrian, arkham
For 100 acres in the winnipegs
on this
Now sits a little store that could be very near and dear to your hearts. I think so
Lululemon he's talking about this
Canadian nazis with the original landowners of that
piece of land where that store is now
And it is my theory
That these horrific monsters never left
That's why I need both of you to help me solve this quite queer case of the
untold tale
buried beneath the canadian
convenience store
Which is probably what I should call the book, I think
okay, so
When do we get out of here?
We don't get out of here I do
You don't because you're in the jail
Right i'm going to speak to this fool in french for a second
Excuse me
You should put the valentine's day
As you see I can get myself inside the ituzad quite easily little kitty cat woman smarty pantsies
She's saying that I need her for the secret passageway what secret passageway
That colleen who doesn't speak the french has never heard of the passageway
To lead
That means the shit
Good
Oh, it's hunter's chalk line, ew
Maybe we should instagram it. Ooh, right. Uh, mr. Point. Uh, can we have our phones back now?
You want your phones
No, dude, I I did not steal your phones you didn't get our phones
Do you mean that when I was illegally breaking you out of the jail?
That I forgot to steal your precious telephones. Is that what you're trying to say? Well, i'm sorry. I'm so selfish
Right, how can I ever make it up to you? Well, you can start by letting us change out of these prison rags
Yeah, they make us look fat
You listen to me. You lady gagas?
You know that this is not a photograph shoot for the canadian the vlog
And I did not bring viewer wardrobe stylist with all that freely business out. What would you like it to do?
Well, we have our yoga clothes and backup smocks in the bathroom. Can we at least go change into that?
Yeah, and i'll take that over this orange is the new black bullshit any day
You have a one manitoba minute
And then you will show me the secret the passageway and so you must hurry up
Hey, oh
No, poopy stuffy
Okay colleen
Seriously, why didn't you tell me about the secret passageway? That's so cool. Seriously, there is no secret passageway
I'm, pretty sure there is a secret passageway. You said there was i'm pretty sure I only said that to ghost out of jail
Colleen god if we don't prove that bronzies exist, we're going away for murder. But what do we do kill a point?
I don't know colleen. I guess it's time to tell him there is no secret passageway
Oh
Again
Um
Um
Oh
I would like to welcome you to my canadian subterranean stronghold
Located 37 feet below the surface of winnipeg
And I am andronicus arcane
To the goddess maurice told us a boot in honor's history the man from berlin
Poof. She disappeared
Oh, yeah frontlines. I am from berlin. This is why I have an accent. That sounds both scary and creepy
In an effort to make our future communications
Less spooky and more friendly. I will now be speaking only in the voice of american movie star al pacino
Oh, I bet all you need are the dulcet tones of one of hollywood's greatest living actors
Do you know what that's not a half bad al pacino there
Thank you
Who al pacino?
al pacino
He was an american president
Oh, geez, you see
The third reich imprisoned me here inside this canadian subterranean
stronghold
To build a clone army that would conquer canada
And the united states of america
I used my own dna and made the clone bodies from the finest bratwurst and sauerkraut direct from deutschland
So in 1945
I initiated the 100 year long incubation process
And I put myself on ice
in a cryogenic chamber
Time to wake up when my little wiener babies were full-grown clothes
The little colleen's will change everything simply by singing a song
God damn it ichabod how much did you plug into that socket? He told me to plug everything into that circuit
We're 14 years old ichabod. Yeah, what are we supposed to know about physics ichabod?
Guys wouldn't talk to me this way if I was covered in tattoos
The power outage in the a to z that night shorted out my ancient canadian subterranean generator
So I woke up prematurely from my cryogenic slumber
But the incubation process had also been interrupted
Forever stunting the growth of my wiener babies
My life's work
Was a failure
That's so sad, yeah, maybe it would be less sad coming from american tough guy sylvester stallone
So, you know
Even though making clones was my life's work
It wasn't my passion, you know
this guy sounds like groot but now he was being
a sylvester stallone
Who so anyway?
Before I got into science and before the war
And before I met adrian arcane, I was like yo adrian. Adrian is the wife at the movie of the rocky rambo
He's very good and before the nazi no good knicks took over my life
I was an artist, you know
And my art was sculpting, you know, I chip away at the marble until it's beautiful to me, you know
But I loved being an artist
except for one thing
I'm talking about the goddamn critics, you know, they told me I had no talent. They told me I stink on ice
They're so negative and hurtful. They cut me mick
They drove me away from doing the thing. I really love to do, you know?
Being who I am. That's when I found adrian arcane and the canadian nazis
And you know hitler
Oh
right
You know that this man is not a puppy on the internet
Maybe my stallone is too aggressive. I will switch to a hollywood impression that is less threatening
So I didn't want to be a nazi for the rest of my life
The exit tunnel of my canadian subterranean stronghold
Brought me to the back room of the ada zed and one night after closing
I took my first steps into a brave new world
So every night after the store closed I would make myself at home in the 8-z back room
Where I learned to speak english and do voices by watching every single thing on netflix
I i'll be
I'll be back and I discover that this modern world worships popular arts and entertainment to be back
So for the past six months i've been sculpting again don't you know sculpting up a storm
With the help of my wicked little wiener, baby
May I present the debut of my first new work in decade it's a sculpture
Celebrating my beloved adopted home of canada. I call it the golly golem
So, what does everybody think
Well
I will tell you that the this giant canada man is very bold and it's a real state to maintain that
It captures perfectly that kind of essence of the true norm
Oh, thank you. But it also captures the actual people that you killed in in the sculpture as well regrettably
hmm
So, uh i'm thinking that we should all be very afraid right now, but mr. Lapointe
You and the colleen's were never in any jeopardy
You see I brought the colleen's here to help me. I have a need for the very specialized skills
Um, I don't mean to be mean but like I don't know who this is either
What?
Do you want to try doing someone you might recognize?
hmm
Do you know the actor who plays the batman I can do him too?
You see girls
Each night as I slaved away over my masterpiece
One dream fueled me. Uh, that does not sound like batman. Yeah batman sounds like
Where's the trigger?
Where's the trigger? Uh?
Where's the trigger?
Trigger
Now you don't understand he's doing the
Original the bat the real batman from the televisions adam west's batman, wasn't it? Yes
It's supposed to sound like oh, where's the trigger joker?
Where's the trigger? Do you know he never once said that lying to the joker? So just stop it
The only thing i've dreamed of for the past six months is looking at a photograph of me
Standing proudly next to my sculpture on the famous
People are just like you paige of them weekly magazine
Oh my god, he reads it too. Isn't that page? Like the best one time they showed harry styles buying bacon
It was so hard it was so hot and this is my harry styles buying bacon moment
Now you're pleased to photograph me for them weekly magazine
You're
Kidding, you are never going to believe this. Mr. Old man, but we don't have our phones. What?
nine
Nine, nine nine nine
So much nine. It's almost ten
How can this be yours to have with mr. Phones the cops took our phones?
Surely you must have a phone here my friend has no camera what the fudge
No, nobody has a camera I guess we have to go directly to stage two of mine master plan
Fly my pretties fly come on, that's right
And okay for you, mr. Straggler now you're inside there
Now my feet are babies bring my heart to life
Yeah, that's what i'm talking about baby
And that's the same thing that then weekly magazines gonna feel when they see this, baby
For tonight he is going to start his bloody rampage across the true north
carolina every art critic in canada
What?
Go my golly golem go kill the clinics
And all the haters, I gotta hate. Oh, I hate those haters
He's not talking about killing real people he's just talking about killing critics mr. Lapointe
We can do this, yeah, we don't need his help we do tons of stupid stuff without adults all the time all the time
It's just a bunch of brothers in a giant suit and we made a bunch of bronzies before
Yeah, okay, but what are we going to do about gila pointless over here?
this epic fail
Okay, all we have to do is do every yoga pose you bear ever taught us that's your plan
What in the heck did your yogurt instructor teach you?
He taught us to destroy everything that threatens anything and anyone you love by hooker by crook and that's the yolk away. Frenchie
Hey bratzy party, we want to have a weenie roast
Lies
It's the critics
This is all bad this is all wrong
I give you two sons down das
proline
As your maker I command you to crush all the critics and the negative peoples and the haters forgot to hate hate hate
My hiney, what are you waiting for?
I command you to kill a negative critic right now
They just killed their
All dad let's see we got his attention boss stage biatch
Warrior one
now warrior two back to back
Okay and warrior three and crush king koopa and save princess peach
Okay
I don't like the food. You've given me
On somewhere here on the side
Don't come to me
Like a dog in a pushcart
Right
I'm so sorry lady, but I seem to have dropped my book onto your wiener
No, no, no, no no, i'm sorry. I'm sorry, but this is getting ridiculous. Now, you're telling me that you own booboo bears, too
Well, how can warner brothers own something that I just made up last week? No, I did
Yes out of my own brain
Smarter than what average bear. No, no. No. I'm sorry. Sorry. May I speak is it my turn to speak?
Well, I think you need to find some inner peace. Mr. Yelling lawyer, man
So why don't you shove your head up your anus and look for it namaste
ah piece of shit
Young ladies young ladies
Might I just tell you I am a huge huge huge fan out. Get out take
Off your van. No, no, no you go
Get going no go but I won't see that. You're smudging my glass with your perverted energy go
Sorry about that girls. We're very good. I'm, very satisfied by those dissatisfied customers. No, we don't want it, right
and release
It no, no, no do not be sorry that it's not the yoga way in yoga. You're right and they're wrong
You know I am so proud of you girls
You really legitimized this place brought honor to the sacred strip mall yoga dojo and a 60 increase in walking traffic to boot
my two best pupils
Both face the ultimate evil the yoga way and you kicked its little nazi. Asana
You girls are my kind of superheroes, and when I grow up I want to be as colossal as the colleen's. Thanks, yogi
I'll stop it. You can make me cry
Horns, you're on speakerphone dad hi, mr. Colette. You've got work tonight
You
You ready
I already have a sign. Oh my god. Colleen. What add another heart. Jesus
Better better ready ready
True hatred
God
Oh
Oh
He is
Yeah, oh
Free
So
So
So
Welcome to this podcast i'm kevin. Smith scott moser. Hey scott. So uh from edmondson good old
Yeah, good team police officers open up yoga hoser
Yoga hoser genius. Do you guys want some twig tea?
You look like you could use some you look like a poutine eater
I do enjoy a good potato. Yeah, who doesn't. Hey, you don't
Don't go down the road with them. We got a database of yoga hosers
You're the termites of canada goddamn, you know i'm away at the foundation of this great country
With your smoky incense and your patchouli
That smells like a chinese brothel in here
It's really hard out here for a yoga hoser man, I want to start a podcast
That's modcast for this week man i'm kevin smith scott mosher week
