♫ Where in the world is Superwoman today ♫
New York City.
(horse galloping and neighing)
What up everyone?
It's your girl Superwoman, real name.
And first let me just start out by saying,
everything's going wrong right now.
There's construction happening
outside my hotel room,
literally transformers are humping
each other outside my hotel room.
I have a pimple on my lip.
It's huge, I popped it.
I know they say you shouldn't pop it,
I popped it anyways and now it's there
and just, there it is.
Comment below, comment below right now.
"Oh my God, your pimple is so ugly."
Just comment, get it out of the way.
Comment below, "Pimples
are ugly," just do it.
There, is it out of your system?
Because now I need to talk
about a really important matter,
and that is that it is super
Thursday and I asked you,
"What do you want to see?"
One of you lovely's
said, "Types of poops."
You know what? I really
like that level of maturity.
Because as an adult I am completely
qualified to make this video.
I been pooping for twenty seven years.
Except for that one year
that I was constipated
because I would only eat potato chips.
Twenty six years!
I did get sick that one time in India.
Thirty three years!
Taking a poop is like swimming in a pool.
You feel lighter, you're
in there for way longer
than you should be,
and you always pee.
Wait, what?
Okay, enjoy.
Number one, the weight loss.
Now, this is a poop where
you just feel like you
released half of your body,
because legit after you're done
you feel like you lost weight.
This type of poop usually
happens when you had
to hold in your poo for some reason.
Maybe you were on the bus,
maybe you were watching a movie,
maybe you were at a friends house,
and you don't know them like that
and you don't want to
ruin the relationship.
But then you finally ...
Ya'll done out there?
Dang, Optimus Prime, I didn't
know you was a one minute man.
Then that glorious moment
came where you finally went to
the bathroom and unleashed the wrath,
and the wrath did not hesitate.
You take a dump, you stand up,
you're feeling like a different person.
When I walked into the washroom,
straight up, I was a size five.
When I walked out, size three,
and you can kind of see my abs.
This the type of poop
that impacts your day.
It's like a Tumblr quote,
it leaves you feeling good.
You just strutting your
stuff like, "What's up?"
These the type of poops that
you just don't forget about.
No, I had one of them this morning,
I walked out of the washroom
I was feeling myself.
I winged my liner, flossed,
I even organized my computer desktop.
Because I'm like, yo I
need to step up my game
if I'm be pooping like a
pro from now on. (laughs)
All throughout today I was
just zoning out from everything
I was doing because I was just like,
"Yo, remember that poop you
had this morning? Damn."
Oh my God, really? Then what happened?
Yo, remember the poo you had this morning?
Dear God, please protect those in need,
and thank you so much
for watching over me.
Oh, and thank you so much
for that amazing poop
at 10:39 AM, (snaps) you the real MVP.
Number two, the boom box poop.
Round two already?
Ya'll trying to get your
own reality TV show?
Sixteen robots and counting. Yeah.
Now in my opinion the fact that it's 2016
and I don't have the
ability to poop on demand,
or better yet flick a
switch and hold my poop in,
it just really means that we're failures
in technological advances.
The number of times
I'm at a friends house,
or a friend is at my house,
or someone's in my hotel room,
and I had to hold in my
poop is simply unacceptable.
Because here's the situation,
you know if you walk into
the washroom to drop a deuce,
the person is like four
feet from the door,
and they're going to hear
everything going on in there.
So what do you do?
You sit down and you do
everything in your power
to poop as silently as possible.
You're giving a motivational
speech to your booty right now.
You're giving TED talk, you're just like,
"Yo, you can do this. I believe in you."
You're trying to lean
your weight to one where,
you're trying to position your booty
in a way that your poop might be silent.
You're fixing to karma sutra
up silent pooping positions.
Then you're like, "Okay,
let me just flex this
mother right here, let my
booty as close to the water
as possible."
You know what I'm saying?
Whatever you need to do so your poop
doesn't sound like a dub-step anthem.
You release and you hope for the best,
you hope for the best, now it happens.
Betrayal by the booty.
This itch is louder than dial up internet.
This itch be sounding like
Skrillix's next album.
You're just like, "Damn it,
everyone is hearing my biology."
Then at this point you try making yourself
feel better by telling yourself,
"This is so stupid. You're
human, this is okay.
Everyone poops. Everyone
else makes poop noises.
It's fine. I'm a mature
adult, I'm beyond this."
With your new found confidence
you walk out the washroom,
you see your friend, nothing's wrong.
Everything's fine.
You're like, "See, we're all adults here."
Until next week, you
barrow your friends phone,
and you see your name
is saved as Poopatonix.
Yo, why we got to sign up for Apple music?
Ya'll we got this booty.
Number three, the prankster poo--
Did I press record? (sighs) I did.
Number three, the prankster poop.
I'm sitting on my sofa watching TV, right?
I have the urge to poo,
but I got my priorities right,
I don't want to miss any of my show.
What do I do? I hold it in.
Because my poop organs are
strong, they can handle it.
My large intestine came to this country
with seven dollars in it's pocket.
It had to work two jobs,
it knows the struggle.
Then as time passes
the urge to poop grows,
and I'm just like, "Fine.
"Let me stop watching the show,
"ruin the whole atmosphere and vibe,
"and go deal with biology."
Honestly, biology is so needy sometimes.
My biology just stays texting me like,
"I'm hungry, I need
sleep, I need to poop."
I'm sitting over here like,
"New phone, who this?" (snorts)
I walk into the washroom, sit down,
and get right to drop bombs.
Then what happens?
Nothing. Nothing happens.
Because apparently the United
Nations went up my bum hole,
and removed all the bombs.
Now there's peace in the south.
Hi, hello, poop? Where did you go?
Called my poop like an Uber just like,
"Hey, sorry, what's your ETA?
"No, you're going the wrong way.
"No, where I dropped the pin."
Because when I was sitting
on the sofa enjoying my show
my poop was all like Diana Ross just like
♫ I'm coming out ♫
Now that we here, I'm
feeling like Justin Beiber
because I'm just like
♫ Where are you now that I need you ♫
Because bro, I already got
the toilet paper in my hand.
What you want me to do with
these seven squares right now?
You got me out here wasting trees, okay?
You got me out here Google-ing
how to make origami swans.
I wait, and wait, and nothing happens.
You know why? Because
this poop is a prankster.
This poop is Fouseytube.
This poop put GoPros
all up in my washroom,
and now all of it's
friends are laughing at me.
Finally, I give up, I go back to the sofa,
back to watching TV.
Then what happens? Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Poo.
I'm just like, F you poo.
You need to go find Piglet and hang out,
because I'm done with your nonsense.
Poo?
I had the best poo this morning.
Man, it was good.
Number four, the perfect poo.
You ever go to take a crap
and everything just
works out super smoothly?
Literally.
You don't need to put in too much effort,
just kind of sit down and
it just kind of happens.
It's comfortable, it's
relaxing, it's satisfying,
it's on point.
Straight up bowl movements on fleek.
Bowl movement goals.
Then you start feeling
really proud of yourself,
"Yo, did you see that poop?
"I must be really healthy.
"You know, it's probably that salad.
"I had a salad yesterday,
it's probably because of that.
"You know what?
"I also went to the
gym earlier this month,
"all these actions are just
equaling a healthy lifestyle.
"I been drinking more water,
"that's probably what it is as well.
"I'm like a fitness guru."
Just like, "Yo, my system has better
"Call of Duty than Xbox."
I just imagine my insides looking like
a very organized data base.
Here we got tomorrows
nine AM poo right there,
in a little file folder over there.
Tomorrows ten PM poo, right there.
I imagine a little amoeba
wearing a tie at a desk
in my bum hole just like,
"Everything looks in order here."
Oh my God, oh my God.
Then when I'm constipated it's probably
because they went on strike.
Am I a genius?
Number five, the two flusher.
Let's say you somehow
master the karma sutra
of silent pooping,
and you had a flawless quiet poop,
and your friends outside they
have no idea what took place.
Feeling good about yourself, you know.
You wash your hands, look in
the mirror, and you're like,
(snaps) "Good job."
You're about to walk out, what do you see?
It seems like your poop
is wearing a life jacket,
because that itch didn't flush.
Your poop is effing Rose from Titanic.
Your poop is blowing a whistle
on a door panel right now.
The poop remains. The
toilet paper remains.
Something remains.
Then you're like damn, I
need to flush this again.
Wait, I can't flush twice,
my friends are going
to hear that I flushed twice.
I already flushed once, my one
flush has been accounted for.
What do you do?
You do what any mature adult does,
you make up a series of excuses.
You walk out of the wash room like,
man, that toilet's so weird
it like flushed on it's own.
You know what, I didn't
properly press the button.
It was hard to press, I feel
like I'm getting weaker.
You know what, I'm probably lacking B12.
Then I was in there, I had
this idea for a sick beat,
so I was producing a beat in there,
and then I used two
flushes for the chorus.
Stop lying, Lily.
You flushed twice because
your crap was so big
that the toilet couldn't handle it.
What?
Your crap was so big that
your large intestine looks
like a before and after
picture in an infomercial.
Your crap was so big that it
looks like the poop emoji took steroids.
Your crap was so big that it has to shop
at the Big and Tall store.
Your crap was so big that it sounded
like a Donald Trump speech.
You took a crap so big that
the toilet's on crutches,
the toilet has to go to therapy.
The toilet can never walk again,
the toilet's up in the special Olympics
because of your crap.
The toilet's trying to flush
and you just dealt it a king high.
You dropped so many bricks in that toilet
it looks like a game of
Tetris, and you're losing.
You ate so many beans that
if you put a bag over your
head you would look like a bean bag chair.
If they made a movie about you,
it would be called James
and the Giant Poop.
You would be James, last name Brown,
not because you sing,
but because you poop.
Dude, I'm joking obviously.
I want to hear that sick beat man.
(tapping)
Yo, I hope you enjoyed that video.
If you did give it a big thumbs up,
comment below letting me know
are you weird talking about poop,
or are you cool talking about poop.
Let me know, were you weirded out?
Were you cringing watching this video?
Were you like, (claps) "Yee-haw, poop!"
You can check out my last
video right over there,
it is called types of sports fans.
My second vlogging channel
is right over there,
and yo, today we hit
nine million subscribers.
Team Super thank you so much
for your love and support,
this is crazy and insane.
Nine million? That's basically
the population of the planet,
and possibly Mars.
Thank you so much,
congratulations to you as well
because we're in this together.
Also, for those of you that
are in the New York City
area I will be at Sephora
in Times Square tomorrow.
All the information is in the description.
If you want to meet me
there's a few things you could
do to do that, then we can ... (squeaks)
Other than that make sure
you subscribe because
I make new videos every
Monday and Thursday,
and I would love for you to
join our nine milly family.
One love, super woman,
that is a wrap, and zoop!
