Everyone out there in the world
is trying their hardest.
But sometimes people (bleep) up.
And when they do, we've got
to call them out,
because how else
are they gonna learn?
So that brings us
to our brand-new segment,
You Done (bleep) Up.
♪ ♪
First up, cruise ships.
Usually, they're a fun, easy way
to take a vacation,
and maybe have a threesome
with an elderly couple
who want to spice up
their marriage.
I'll never... I'll never
forget you, Helen and Howard.
(laughter)
But, unfortunately,
for some vacationers last week,
their cruise ended in disaster,
because Viking Cruises,
you done (bleep) up.
TV REPORTER: Norway's
 investigating why
 a cruise ship carrying
 more than 1,300 people
 set sail despite
 storm warnings.
 The Viking Sky encountered
 engine trouble,
 lost power and issued
 a may day call on Saturday.
 It anchored off
 of the Norwegian coast
 in heavy winds and high waves
 to avoid drifting on
 to the rocks.
 Hundreds of passengers,
 including many Americans,
 were rescued by helicopter.
(metal clanging)
Okay, that is insane.
And not-not the ship part.
The fact that the person
holding the camera is steady
while everything else
is flying around.
How are you doing that?
Everything else is shaking.
And, you know,
this is something I've noticed
you see all the time
in disasters, right?
Everything else
will be in chaos,
but the person holding
the camera
is always perfectly still.
It's almost like
filming a disaster on your phone
gives you superpowers.
Like, the wind will be
blowing things and shaking.
You're like, "Must go viral!"
(laughter)
But on a serious note,
though, that-that...
just being on that boat
must have been terrifying.
I bet even the Somali pirates
were like,
"Look at me.
You are the captain now.
"You are the captain.
I'm out. I'm out.
I can't do this, huh?"
And, like, seriously,
that video makes me never want
to go on a boat ever again.
But, I-I mean, I'm from Africa,
so I've been skeptical
about boats from the beginning.
Like, they said that cruise
was all-inclusive, too.
But enough of the high seas.
Let's go now to outer space.
NASA.
In the past, they took
a giant leap for mankind,
but this week,
when it comes to women,
NASA, you done (bleep) up.
Apparently gender inequality
knows no bounds,
not even in space.
NASA's first all-female
space walk had to be canceled
because there weren't
enough space suits that fit.
The crew only has
one medium-sized space suit
available at
the International Space Station,
this despite the fact
that the women's
2013 astronaut class
was 50% female.
Seriously?
NASA had to cancel
the first all-female space walk
because they didn't pack
enough space suits?
How do you screw that up?
You know how many astronauts
are on the shuttle.
It's not like you can have
a surprise extra astronaut.
Like, "Oh, shit! We only planned
for four astronauts,
but then Susan wanted to come."
(laughter)
Though-though it would be great
if she opened her suitcase
on the ship
and found
her husband's business suit,
and she was like, "Wait.
"If I've got his suit,
then that means...
No!"
(laughter and applause)
So, that was the U.S.
But America doesn't have a
monopoly on screwing things up.
Just look at the British
health care system.
Yes, you guys
might have universal coverage
for all your citizens,
but for one patient,
you done (bleep) up.
A man has been
mistakenly circumcised
while under the care
of Leicester's Hospitals
according to a new report.
The patient was meant
to be having a procedure
to look inside his bladder
using a thin camera.
The error was revealed by
the Clinical Commissioning Group
in compiling
so-called "never events"
because they should
never happen.
Oh, my word.
A patient
was accidentally circumcised?
That is messed up.
Have you ever gone
to the barber,
and then they took
a little too much off your hair?
Remember how
you freaked out? Yeah?
Now imagine if that happened
to your dick, huh? Imagine.
Because you can't wear a hat
on your dick to cover it up.
Yeah. You can't be like, "Sorry,
it's just so bright out today.
The sun gets
in my dick's eyes. Yeah."
Accidentally circumcised?
Now I'm worried
that they switched other charts,
like, so someone else
in the hospital
went home
with an extra foreskin.
A friend was like, "I thought
you were just getting Botox."
It's like,
"That's what I thought, too."
(laughter)
And it's not just Britain's
health service having issues.
It's also one
of their airline companies
because, British Airways--
you guys can say it with me--
you done (bleep) up.
A British Airways flight
headed for Germany
mistakenly ended up in Scotland.
BA3271 supposed to fly
from London
straight over
the English Channel
and on to Germany.
Instead the plane took off
to the north,
flew over most of England
before crossing into Scotland
and landing in Edinburgh.
The problem? A ground staffer
typed the wrong airport code
into the flight plan,
and no one noticed.
The pilots assumed
that they were supposed to go
to Edinburgh.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
British Airways
was trying to fly to Germany
and flew to Scotland instead?
Man, Brexit is screwed.
I don't know how Britain
is gonna leave Europe
if they can't even find their
way out of their own country.
Brexit will probably end up
like, "We did it!
"We're out of the EU!
We're indepen...
"No, no. No, wait. Wait.
We're still in the EU.
And now somehow
we've also joined the WNBA."
(laughter and applause)
You know what the crazy part is?
The crazy part is that
Scottish accents are so thick,
I bet some passengers
thought they were in Germany.
Yeah.
Because if you think about it,
Scottish is the German
of English, right?
It's just as rough.
They probably got off the plane
like, "I'm in Germany!"
And they're like, "Oh, yeah,
you're not in Germany."
(speaking
in heavy Scottish accent)
"I-I'm sorry, sir.
No sprechende deutsch. No..."
"Ah, don't lecture me,
you pig, you.
I train your dragon in 3-D."
(speaking
in heavy Scottish accent)
Seriously, like,
I can't believe...
(cheering and applause)
I can't believe
British Airways landed
in the wrong country.
And the worst part
is that everyone on board
got accidentally circumcised.
That's all the time we've got.
Join us next week to find out
who done (bleep) up.
