We live in a porny-ass world,
don't we?
Just gets pornier by the day.
Hey, by the way,
if you work in porn,
I don't know if you
and your coworkers know this,
but we have enough porn.
You don't have
to keep making it.
You did a great job,
we appreciate your service,
but you can shut it down.
If you make porn
or if you make those Croc shoes,
we're good.
Porn used to amaze me.
I'd be like, "How'd they get
that man and that lady
to have sex at that bakery?"
But now, the older I get,
the more I realize,
men and women having sex is
the easy part of relationships.
You know what's like
a fantasy to me now?
You know what would be porn
to me today?
Just video of a man and a woman
getting along.
Like, wait, he has to work late
and she's not going
to take it personally?
Oh, that's hot.
Wait, they went
to a party together
and they want to leave
at the same exact time?
Oh, my God, where do they find
these people?
Wait, she wants to talk
about the new duvet cover,
he doesn't give a crap,
and she doesn't give a crap
that he doesn't give a crap?
Oh, that's going
to make me finish.
(crowd groans)
(Brennan laughs)
So we, we, we want you, ladies,
and we want you and
we don't know how to get you.
We used to just be able
to chase you down and grab you,
but they made that illegal,
like, 10,000 years ago.
Yeah, so now we got
to be romantic.
We don't know anything
about that.
That's like... and there's
no end to the amount of romance
we're supposed
to give you ladies.
'Cause, like, we'll take you
out to dinner, right?
We're going to pay,
which, for a guy,
is, like, insanely romantic,
but it's not enough.
You know how I know
it's not enough?
'Cause they always let that lady
into the restaurant.
What lady?
Creepiest lady on Earth--
goddamn flower lady.
Is there anyone worse
than that woman?
Whenever I see her, I'm like,
"Who let her in here?"
"Roses for the lady?"
(groaning)
(belches)
(groaning)
Do women even want the roses
at the restaurant?
(overlapping chatter)
No-- a lot of noes.
You know why, fellas?
'Cause the roses
are too convenient.
Yeah, women only like presents
if they're super-inconvenient
to get.
CROWD:
Yeah!
Yeah.
(applause)
Yeah. Women wants us to wait
in line for six hours.
They're, like,
"Drive to the next state."
They just want a story they can
tell their girlfriends at brunch
about how much
we suffered for them.
Like, "You don't know
about these earrings?
"These are the earrings
that when Mike got 'em for me,
he fell on the escalator
and lost part of his hand."
(laughter)
"I don't even like the earrings,
but I like
that Mike was legally dead for
two minutes when it happened."
(laughter)
Still, it's such
a one-way street.
That's the thing.
So, I'm, like, real sensitive
to guys' issues.
Uh, the... like, one part
of the year is just
about giving presents to women.
Between Thanksgiving
and Valentine's Day,
every commercial on TV is about
giving presents to women.
"Give her a December
to remember."
(laughter)
"A diamond is forever.
♪ Every kiss beings with Kay. ♪"
(laughter)
You know why all the commercials
are for women?
'Cause you can't advertise
what guys want.
(laughter)
Yeah.
(cheering, applause,
and whooping)
Yes.
Like, legally,
you're not allowed.
(laughter)
You'll never see
a commercial, like,
"Ladies, this holiday season
give him the gift
"he's been waiting for all year.
"A day of silence
followed by a three-way with you
and your hottest friend."
(laughter, applause,
and whooping)
"Followed by more silence."
(laughter)
"Only from J.C. Penney."
(laughter)
