 
### Thought of Suicide? Welcome to the Club!

By Dylan Stevens

Copyright 2011 Dylan Stevens

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you are reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Contents

Preface  
My Conclusion  
Where are we now?  
Family Impact  
Okay, we are serious, but why?  
Career, is that what you call it?  
Marriage  
Failure to Follow the Calling and Heart  
Human Sexuality  
Support Network  
Money  
Counter Arguments  
Where are You?

Blogging History

It's all about Me!  
Hate infects the soul  
Firing a Friend  
Massage for the Brain  
Hope  
Individual Mandate Solution  
Don't Leave the House  
Where's the follow up?  
Social Media Extortion  
To Cut or Not to Cut  
Are You A Foot Washer?  
Confession of Depression  
Linked In and Suicide Prevention  
Gender Health Center  
The Allure of Monastic Life  
My Summer as a Bully  
Rainbow Chamber  
Blind Faith: Marketing Failures  
Family Diversity  
Life is a Jar Full of Balloons  
Seeing Through Solids

Twitter: Clearestory

Preface

This book was written for everyone who has contemplated suicide and didn't think they were mentally ill. There was no editor for this book. All errors, grammatical or otherwise, rest on my shoulders. How do you submit your justification for suicide to someone for editing and get an objective response? This is not a self-help book and I don't offer any insightful tips for handling depression or suicidal thoughts. At its core, it is a document about what led me to become suicidal and the thoughts in my brain. You may or may not identify with it. You may or may not know someone who is exhibiting or expressing similar symptoms. I felt compelled to write this book because it is virtually impossible to convey my history of failure combined with my current situation to anyone.

We can exhibit classic symptoms of depression (lack of focus, poor sleeping, lack of interest in life, lethargic, loss of appetite, etc.) and still function at a fairly high level making decisions, sales calls, or being creative. Like me, you may have talked to a therapist or counselor only to find that it really did not help with the thoughts. You may have taken anti-depressants, which I have avoided, only to find that while you feel better, it has not changed the root cause of the depression and suicidal thoughts.

I am not a doctor, therapist or counselor. All I can do is regurgitate all of my thoughts and feelings of hopelessness and lack of joy in my situations that caused incessant thoughts of suicide as the answer. For better or worse, I have been blessed with a clear mind and intelligence. With luck I can articulate where my feelings of hopelessness came from. I am serious about suicide. I think about it night and day and have actually made plans and moved forward with certain aspects of the plan. On this point, no one can ever dispute my sincerity.

This book may be just a waypoint on the final destination route or it might be the pivot point in life that interrupts my current plans and switches it back to normalcy. There are no answers in this book. My main objective was to write down my thoughts and feelings because other people could not relate to my perspective. Most people think you are sick and mentally ill if you contemplate suicide. I disagree.

If you are contemplating suicide because you are grieving over the loss of a friend, partner, spouse or child, seek counseling. I know that sounds odd. Grief can be profound, and while similar to my situation with depression, you can work through it.

I am writing this book under a pseudonym. The names of people and companies have been changed for the most part. It is not my goal or aim to hurt anyone by their present or past association with me. It has been written from the heart, with an eye for accuracy, with little embellishment. To publicly acknowledge thoughts of suicide, for all except celebrities, is a death sentence for your career. At this point, I don't really care. If you really want to find out my true identity, you should not have too much problem. However, please be respectful.

My Conclusion

Even normal people, when they feel trapped, caged, or locked-in, with few viable alternatives in their lives, determine suicide is an option to escape the despair and depression of their situation. Life is never easy. It is all about keeping equilibrium between the difficult parts and the joy.

One of the lynch pins is the term 'viable alternatives'. 'Viable' is definitely open to debate and varies from person to person. We have all read the stories where someone in slavery or bondage turns to suicide as the only escape. I am convinced that many of us become enslaved or trapped in situations where suicide is the only alternative. You may dispute the conclusion of suicide but you can't refute the path and events in my life or your life that have led to suicidal thoughts.

Most people can't fathom suicide. Why we let those thoughts into our brain I am not sure. Maybe we do have an organic brain dysfunction. Either way, I conclude that normal intelligent people, through a series of live events and situations can rationally contemplate suicide and not be mentally ill. We are just desperate to change or break free from the despair or the feelings of being trapped.

Where are we now?

As I write this, suicide weighs heavy on my mind as it might be for you as well. But I still think I have a clear mind that can make rational decisions, such as writing this book. Let me emphasize that I am not an impulsive person, but someone who appreciates a well-documented plan. A messy desk is the sign of a cluttered mind. I try to keep my desk and mind relatively clean and tidy.

Not only do I not like to be faced with confusion today, I do not want to propagate it tomorrow. Consequently, I have a plan for my end of life scenario. The first order of business is to get all the family paperwork in order. It is important to insure that the survivors don't have to hunt for important papers (life insurance, mortgage, vehicle registration, tax returns, etc.). All the documents must be easily found with clear directions on how to proceed to remove the deceased name, me, from titles and beneficiary.

Second, I will not a leave a physical mess for someone else to clean up. It is just rude to off yourself in your home. I don't care how much you may hate your spouse or partner. Mine shall be at the ocean. I figure that if I am crummy shot with the pistol, the water will finish the job. I have even considered leaving a small cash stipend for the municipal agency that has to collect my remains. After all, their time is worth something too.

Finally, I will choose a location that is not close to home or at least out of the way. There is no need to create disturbing memories for the survivors. There is nothing worse than driving by a spot and always being reminded of some horrible incident. I would like my family to continue living in the community so I would not want my death to create any local discomfort.

Is this the methodology of a mad man? Can someone who is mentally ill put together such a plan? Perhaps, but the point is that I am not mentally ill, and neither are you, good planning is the sign of a rational and logical mind. Suicide can be the result of a mind that feels trapped. I am not advocating you commit suicide. All I am pointing out is that suicide, like any good business plan, needs executable parts to be successful.

Family Impact

With respect to my family, I do admit to a mental deficiency, not illness. I have never been overly concerned or empathetic to events that might affect others. This is not to say that I don't care what they think. I agonize if my actions or words may have caused injury to someone. Similarly, I want people to always think well of me. However, when life hands you a lemon you need to make lemonade, deal with it, move forward. Grief is very real and needs to be addressed. Life is for the living. To perpetually grieve seems like another form of death to me. So I am certain that my family will move forward with or without me.

My great blind spot is that I can't fully comprehend how my family might grieve for me. On the other hand, I am rather weary of always worrying about and changing my actions for other people. How would life be different if I died of cancer or was killed in car crash? The result is the same. I am gone. Suicide is a purposeful action unlike illness or accident. Every option will require the survivors to adapt, change, and deal with the situation. Only the reaction of friends and family may change depending upon my ultimate fate. I am not trying to be cruel, heartless or vengeful. These are just the basic facts of my life.

### Okay, we are serious, but why?

While there are undoubtedly similarities to all our circumstances, some people may have entirely different situations. You may scoff at one or more of my issues. That's perfectly fine. This is not a contest to see who has the worst life. You have already determined your life is the worst from your vantage point.

Here are some of my particular issues that created the solid concrete walls of entrapment in my mind.

1. Career failure  
2. Marriage failure  
3. Failure to follow my calling and heart  
4. Lack of support network  
5. Money

### Career, is that what you call it?

(Lifted from an entry in a journal I keep for my son.)

The foundation of all my hopes and dreams emanated from my college experience. It was there that I finally said, "This is who I am, this is what I will do, this is what I believe in"

I had a passion and intense desire to work in agriculture, either locally by owning a farm, in agri-business, or oversee an international concern devoted to helping impoverished farmers. My greatest joy and happiness comes from helping others and to see their lives' improved. It is important to be a positive force for change in your community, no matter where you live.

With my impending graduation from UCD, in the late '80's, I marched over to the Peace Corp office to offer my services. I figured with my degree in International Agricultural Development and experience in irrigation, the application would be only a formality before I was shipped off to another country to help poor farmers improve their farming or irrigation practices. I was stunned when the Peace Corp turned me down saying that most of the host countries wanted people with advanced degrees.

I had just spent 8 years getting my B.S., working multiple jobs at the same time, and living in poverty. I was not inclined to spend another 2 to 4 years to get a master's degree; I needed to get a job. I rationalized that the Peace Corp was only one option and there would be other opportunities to actualize my hopes and dreams. Later in life I would come to see the lost opportunity of working at the Peace Corp a pivotal turning point in my life path.

Jobs were scarce in 1990, so I took an inside sales job with Steve who was a manufacturer's representative. We had met when I was working for XYZ Supply. After eight years of inside sales I was really ready for more of a challenge. I sought and was offered a job in So. Cal. but my wife was not keen on moving away from family and neither was I, so I passed on the opportunity.

Steve eventually put me in outside sales. Before the move, I had a real bout with depression because I felt stuck and could not get another job. A huge problem for me is my loyalty and commitment. I find it really hard to leave an employer. While the outside sales job was not perfect, it was good. I traveled through Northern California even getting to call on agricultural supply houses. With my dream of living on a farm pretty much gone, I was hoping that I could at least develop a business connection with agriculture and slide into an agricultural job full time.

My wife I were married in 1992 and bought a house in 1993. My dream, that I obviously did not articulate too well, was to live in a rural setting or actually buy and live on a farm. Essentially, I was looking for any way to stay connected with agriculture. I figured owning a small organic farm, even if I could not run it full time, would at least keep me in touch with my passion. But my wife was not enthusiastic about the prospect of either living on a farm or too far away from suburbia. I eventually abandoned my dream of living on a farm by the late 1990's.

Steve's daughter got pregnant while at college. The father was a barely-employed laborer. They eventually got married and Steve decided he had to save his daughter and grand-daughter. So he brought Jerry, his new son-in-law, into the business. After a couple months it was clear that I was on my way out as Steve wanted Jerry to take over my territory. Steve offered to partner up with me to start a company to build a wireless irrigation controller. His money was essentially my severance package. I liked the concept and knew I could manage the production so we started the company.

Before we got going I knew the obstacles: under-capitalized, innovative product without some critical features and just me to promote the product. We did go into production and I did make sales. But we also needed to make upgrades to the product, features southern California agencies wanted. But we did not have the money and Steve was not willing to invest any more. I could see failure written on the wall. But I was still young and figured I could recover. Since the sales did not cover my expenses and I was running out of money I went and found another job.

In 2002, I was so fortunate to pick up a job as a Water Protection Specialist with a non-profit water association. This was finally the job that cobbled together most of what I wanted. I got to travel to rural California communities and help them develop water protection plans. It was a great non-profit, serving people, a connection to agricultural communities and I got to use my skills in writing and management from college. Unfortunately, one of my colleagues that I had to work closely with did not like me. I am not sure if Sue hated me because she did not get to make the final decision of who was hired, she wanted the job, I was a guy, or that the members I worked with really liked me. Regardless, she made my life a nightmare by constantly criticizing my work, not returning phone calls, refusing to work with me, creating a wedge with the communities I was working with and just generally ignoring me at all the staff meetings. Worst of all, because she had seniority, the office manager who was new and the executive director who was part time, deferred to her 'experience'. "Well if Sue says it, it must be true", type of attitude.

After a year of torment I through in the towel on a job I truly loved and had a calling for. To heap on regret, I had been contacted by the national association with the support of, "We like your work, there will be opportunities for you in the future." But I knew if I left the local affiliate, those opportunities would evaporate and they did. I could not handle the harassment Sue dished out and not stay sane.

Since I needed a job quick, I was able to pick up my old job from high school at XYZ Supply in 2003. I had pretty much hit bottom with a failed company, my dream job being destroyed and no agricultural opportunities. All I wanted to do was have desk job and concentrate on home and hobbies. I had little time to slack off when the health of my parents deteriorated. The job at XYZ was pretty mundane and intellectually stunting, not to mention I had to work with a bunch of political Neanderthals and really stupid customers. But I couldn't really focus on that aspect because my mind was consumed with taking care of my parents and my son. Mom died in 2005 and dad was in a skilled nursing facility form 2005 until 2010. Since XYZ was close to the parent's home and the SNF where dad was at, it made it convenient to visit him 2 to 3 times per week after work.

By the end of 2009 I had pretty much had it working for XYZ. Frank, the owner, had plenty of money and really didn't want to grow or do anything that might really use my skills. I had a job for life and I am sure I could have bought the business, but the depression it was causing was sinking into my first bout with suicidal thoughts. With my dad dying in early 2010, I started a discernment process of what I would do, for a job, after he died.

The bottom line of the discernment was two career paths. I could either go to seminary or insurance sales. While those sound divergent, they were the options that most fit the dwindling possibilities of a 46 year old gray haired guy who had been working at a 4 employee small business for the past 7 years and had not been able to develop or maintain skills from college. I obviously chose insurance for the money. Seminary would have been great, but I did not think I could afford it, travel to the bay area several times per week and maintain my son's schedule.

14 months into my insurance career have proved to be a mediocre disaster. Just like my previous startup, I have made some sales, but not nearly enough to make a living. Yes, I should not have chosen health insurance since health insurance companies immediately cut the commissions in half with health care reform in 2011. There has been a steep marketing/learning curve and I have wasted too much money. It all amounts to a stagnant business where I do not have the resources to push forward.

A much unexpected dividend is the reaction and support I get from other people. Because of my networking, chamber involvement, nonprofit activities and referral group, I have met tons of people. I really try to promote their business, support them individually and make them feel positive. Consequently, people are always telling me how much they value me being in a group, being a good listener, connecting them with other businesses, referring clients to them or helping them out with insurance. I am just shocked when someone tells a friend in my presence, "Dylan is wonderful, get to know him, he has helped me so much and he can help you too." Wow, quite the testimony. I have never once heard anything remotely resembling that from my family. And unfortunately, it has not translated into anymore business for me.

As my money dwindles at the end of 2011, I am in quite the quandary. If I go and try to find a 'job', one not working for myself, I will have sealed the Failure on my life. Because of my mental state, I don't think I can work for anyone. I am refusing to go quietly when it comes to subjugating my personal views on life, politics and religion. My personal opinions are all I have left that speaks to who I am as a person. Certainly, being just another insurance agent means nothing and I long ago gave up the identity of ever being a farmer. What do I have left?

At one time I had boundless self confidence that I could do anything within my limits. This gift of my college education has now receded along with my hopes, and hair, to work in agriculture and serving others while also making enough money to survive. I suppose I am at a point where I have to consider taking my life in a different direction. With all my savings and retirement virtually gone, I have no resources with which to make a new path. I was offered an agency with the ABC Insurance company. But I did not have the money to start an office staff and I don't think I could have hit their sales numbers. Remember, after a year selling insurance, I have not hit my own numbers for survival, let alone profit.

This truly is the end of the road; I have no options that work within the framework that I hold fast too:

I refuse to go into debt.  
I will not use someone else's money.  
I need to fulfill my commitments.  
I will not quiet my voice to please others any longer.

With the insurance business I had the concept that if people could get to know me, they would buy from me. Not because I was so great or smart, but because I was not a pushy aggressive asshole. My business is selling me. 'People buy from me', was the concept. With relatively few sales, 'Me' as a brand, has failed. It means people have chosen not to buy me, and that really hurts. I know it is all about marketing, but with the money decreasing and a crummy track record of sales there is little doubt that I was not even able to sell 'Me', the product that I had so much faith in.

To summarize, I have failed to achieve any of my college hopes or dreams. I have failed in business. My self-confidence is shot and I have failed in large measure with my family from my perspective. Please, I don't want to hear any bullshit, "Dylan, you are not a failure, look at your wonderful son, blah, blah, blah...." Perhaps I have succeeded for other people, but not on a personal level for me. If you do not have a yard stick with which to measure results you are stupid. My yard stick is not very long, but even I failed to measure up.

I have the option of going on medication to blunt the depression. I suppose I could go to work for someone once I am on Prozac. But taking medication does not change the facts of your life. People want me to live for what I provide to them. When do I get to live to provide for me? Well, I guess I had my chances and they did not work out. Is that the bitter pill I must swallow? Is this the punishment I must endure for failing; a life of boredom, self-loathing and soul crushing work? Am I officially in hell?

Marriage

Marriage is a two way street and I have worked hard to obey the traffic laws. As my earlier comments on my career may have indicated, my wife was not always in tune with my preferences. To be fair, I didn't always articulate my desires properly or adequately or at all. I picked up hints from our conversations on which lifestyle she was most comfortable with. It was always my goal never to put her in an uncomfortable situation whether it was a social or outdoor activity.

Early on in our marriage, my wife made it clear that she did not want to have to do all the running around for our son. We had been roommates in college and still had kind of the division of labor mentality when it came to family business. I am not opposed to the situation but it limits certain options if one spouse has to carry more of the family load so the other can pursue a career. I would not say our marriage is unconventional, but I do respect my wife's personal space and career choices.

Although, looking back at everything, I would have liked a little more involvement and moral support for my decisions. My wife was never interested in helping out or knowing much about my first business or the latest insurance business. I know she is busy, but it would have been nice if she took a little interest and even offered some advice and support. But perhaps I repelled her away with my unpredictable behavior with respect to advice. I have not been the best or most understanding husband and father. Much of my sour moods and crankiness have been ignited over what I felt was a lack of respect for my opinions and education.

This is not meant to be an indictment of my wife who is truly a wonderful person and worthy of praise. She certainly deserves better than me. I am the one who has made decisions that have led to a failed marriage. It is what it is, as the saying goes. I can no longer ignore the lack of commonality in our lives. It does not mean that her life choices are worse or wrong in respect to mine.

It was my hope that our mutual dreams would blossom and would have grown into a life that both of us could fully embrace and feel content with. Through difficult conversations, she has told me that she will follow my dreams but I can not in good faith take her down that path. Regardless of our differences and any possible irrational emotions on my part toward her culpability with my current situation, I will not place any blame at her feet. I am a big boy and I have made my own decisions.

### Failure to Follow the Calling and Heart

I will completely admit my desires for leadership positions and politics as an unhealthy symptom of megalomania. But that mental quirk can be both resource and distraction to a fulfilling life. For me, that part of my personality is easily dispatched to the trash bin. A greater constant in my life, since high school, has been my interest to work into positions that directly help other people. To that end, I have failed.

There has always been a calling for me to use my resources and talents to help people overcome the obstacles of social injustice, poverty, mental illness, abusive relationships or similar circumstances. Every person has a spark of divinity that should be nurtured. As a community, and individually, we are called to lift up our brothers and sisters who need our help. The goal should always be to support them so they can sustain a lifestyle that supports their family and community. Time and time again, usually for the sake of money or not wanting to put my family in uncomfortable situations, I have eschewed opportunities to help. Has the time run out? Not necessarily, but the money has.

In a similar theme, I have always felt a calling to explore and engage my spiritual faith. While I have had some success, I am far from the full immersion that I wanted. A large obstacle, and a bigger failure, was to find a church home for my family. Suburban churches are awash with feel good sermons with little substance. If we had lived in an urban core, a church program that would have engaged the whole family would have been more accessible. We have explored many local options and found all of them lacking.

The dream of having a family fully engulfed in charitable activities and events has also evaporated for me. If I could not personally have a career directly related to helping people, perhaps on a family or community level I could meet that need. But it was not to be. I harbored visions that our family would take missions to other countries to help people in need, but again I found excuses to squelch the passion: time, money, lack of family interest, need for a normal vacation, etc.

Even though they are not real excuses, time, distance and family reluctance have all contributed to my taking the low road of non-participation with faith organizations that may have filled the need. I fully acknowledge that not everyone in the family, immediate or extended, felt the same depth of calling as me or regarded community involvement as lofty as I do. In addition, I am guilty of submitting to the suburban norms of not being too active for fear of being seen as some sort of zealot. This is truly an irrational fear that has had negative impacts in my life. Ironically, as I contemplate the end of my life, I no longer have that inhibition.

### Human Sexuality

My view is that a person's sexuality is a human condition. You are born with it. It does not have to define you, but it is there. You can embrace it, deny it, ignore it, or suppress it. But whatever you do, deal with it. For my part, long ago I decided to suppress and ignore. Such a strategy is not necessarily unhealthy. Many people take a vow of chastity and are perfectly fine. Your sexuality is just there and it does not need to be the large appetite in your brain that sucks up all your human energy and production.

In my case, working on my career, family, home projects and hobbies were suitable and admirable distractions. However, when your erector-set-of-life falls apart you are forced to stare at the building blocks. You are forced to take an inventory of your brain. The ultimate question is whether I should have taken a different path early on which could have precluded my subsequent spiral into suicidal thoughts. I am a big proponent of dealing with the 'here and now' and do not wish to engage the propositions of 'what if'.

To be sure, a healthy loving relationship with your partner can go a long way to keep depression and suicide at arm's length. But it is also folly to say that by suddenly changing your sexual lifestyle you will necessarily solve all your problems. It might for you, but not for me.

So where am I going with this? I am attracted to men. In my college days I dated men. All I saw were short term relationships with no happy endings. I truly wanted a partner for life to grow old with. I married the woman I thought I might be able to have the best shot of making that happen. It is not her fault. It is me. Another failed decision.

### Support Network

No one just slips into depression and suicidal thought. Like many others, depression has been part of my life from adolescence. Over the years I have learned what triggers the episodes of depression and avoid them as best I could. There were also times when friends and a support network nudged me away from depression, unbeknownst to them.

I have come to the conclusion that the community you live in, and most interact with, plays a dynamic role in your overall mental health. For me, I have found it virtually impossible to connect with any of my neighbors or past church acquaintances. Most of it has to do with the lack of common interest topics in our lives. I am not a big sports guy and I have little interest in engaging in trivial conversations for the sake of politeness. Most of the folks in our community see the world differently with a premium on youth sports, vacations, cars, property, careers and school activities. While these are all great, they do not constitute a foundation, nor do they foster friendships for me.

Believe me, when I am in my element or community of people I relate to, I beam with enthusiasm and engagement. However, most of these folks have lifestyles or interests that don't mesh with my family. Consequently, I am not in regular and predictable contact with folks that I could I could develop close friendships with. Friends and family can be a mirror of our life. Without a good reflection we begin to wonder about whom we are and what we are living for.

I don't think I can emphasize enough the vacuum of friendship that exists in my life. For years I have been searching for the intelligent conversation and camaraderie of friends. I am at a loss to know the basis for real friendship since I have failed to maintain relationships over the years. Of course there is always the possibility that I was not meant to have close friendships. For the record, I have never considered myself an asshole. If you ask around most people have a favorable opinion of me: professional, gregarious, helpful, respectful, a real boy scout.

One of my ulterior motives in joining a local gay friendly chamber of commerce was the possibility to meet people I could connect with. (Get that thought out of your mind, I was not looking for a date.) The members of the chamber were professional people that were intelligent and mostly shared my world view. I had many good conversations at the mixers and actually developed a friendship with one of the members. However, I was not seen as part of the club or attended events outside of the chamber, so my interaction was purely on an acquaintance level. Oddly enough, the one friendship I was able to cultivate centered on similar issues with depression and family circumstances.

Like so many issues in my life, I have learned to say, "OK, that's life, move on, and focus on something else." But at some point when you have to dismiss 80% of your life goals as unattainable, you start to wonder, "Why in the hell am I living?"

### Money

Yuk. How nice the world would be if we could be content with a simpler lifestyle. But my issues go beyond just a simple lifestyle that my family leads. The cars are paid for, albeit aging in place. We have no credit card debt and the mortgage on the house is manageable. So what's the problem? I have an inherent obsession with maintaining my end of the house hold finances. In particular, insuring that my son attend college. When I can no longer maintain my end of the covenant, failure raises its ugly head.

A failure to generate adequate income reinforces my perception that I am a failure. Obviously I am not the first man to feel this way. I also find borrowing money and going into debt anathema. For the past year and a half I have lived off savings and retirement and those funds are quickly running out. My grand plan to be a successful independent insurance agent has crashed with the reality that I am a crummy sales professional. The failure to fulfill my business plan, not the first business plan failure, translates into a failure as a person. I staked my entire self-confidence on the notion that I am a 'brand' that people will purchase. I guess I was wrong on so many levels.

In the final financial analysis, and desperately wanting to avoid debt, cashing in the life insurance policy to make sure my son has the necessary money to go to college seems like a viable plan. My experience of attending college was fraught with a constant battle to work to pay for fees, books, and housing. It sucked. Just because you support yourself through college does not mean you have developed a depth of character that will aid you in the future. It hasn't with me. My son is far too smart not to have a good college education where he can focus on his studies and not worry about the rent. The grades and courses I chose in college were a direct reflection of my financial situation. Is it an unreasonable goal to help your child rise to a better life than you experienced? College tuition is rising faster than the modest savings I had set aside for my son. It is not fair, but it is reality. My motto: deal with it.

### Counter Arguments

If you are reading this in opposition to my plan of suicide, I am sure you have raised plenty of arguments to my assertions. I will attempt to deal with a few of them.

1. Anti-depressants: They have their place for people who can't get through the day. I can get through the day just fine. Just because you take a pill to enhance your mood, doesn't mean you have solved you underlying problems. Please forgive my arrogance, but if I have not been able to fix my fucking problems thus far (which are structural and institutional, not necessarily emotional) how is a pill going to give me any more intelligence or clear vision to do so? Yes, I can take Prozac and admit my life is a failure. I can medicate myself so that I can continue the soul crushing experience of a failed life. Medicine is to ease the pain.

However, emotions are an essential element of life. If we never feel joy, love, anger, despair, happiness, what is the point of existence? Our emotions guide our lives. Without the intensity of emotions, we would all be walking around like zombies. I think it is important to feel the intensity of both welcome and unwelcome emotions. It reminds you that you are alive. If your arm is numb and it gets a horrible cut, but you feel no pain, you may never decide to have the wound treated. Emotions are the nerves in our soul. They alert us when something feels good or bad. In that manner, we can make choices and decisions.

2. You can find a job to fulfill your career goals: At this point, with many attempts to find a different position, I am tired of looking. To heap on bad news, I doubt my capabilities to work for someone else. It is not that I can't take direction, and I love being a team player, it is the overall arrogance of my mind that precludes most arrangements. In other words, I have worked for too many people that I thought made bad or foolish decisions. With so much of my diplomatic veneer stripped away I have begun to openly speak my mind in such situations. I am prone to say, "Are you sure that is a good move?" or "Are you fucking nuts, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of."

3. Marriage counseling: Without a doubt, we should have gone through marriage counseling years ago. My aversion is that I don't want to put a patch on a tire that keeps going flat. Again, my vision of happiness and a life path doesn't necessarily gel with my partner's. I have caused her too much pain in the past and I don't want to set her up for more painful experiences on account of my inability to find joy in life. It is strange that I have begun to feel numb to her feelings. That is wrong. Maybe it is just part of depression. What is most important is keeping a stable family for my son.

4. Volunteer your time: I have volunteered with several non-profits and it was good. The operative word here is 'volunteer'. It doesn't pay the bills. There are many good causes that are worthy and may take me away from family to fulfill. So what is the impact of an absentee father who has left to follow his dreams?

5. Think of how this will affect your son. True. No argument. My dad was mostly gone from my life from the age of 13. I went onto graduate college and keep it together for another 20 years. My son is smarter than me. He will do fine.

6. Join a support network. Been there and done that. Unfortunately, most support groups are comprised of folks that have problems of integrating and negotiation within society. I don't necessarily pine for friends or social interaction that I am comfortable with. I can work any room. My issues are structural in nature and can't be fixed by talking ad nausea. Support networks tend to be an artifice for a real network of support. People, who truly connect with you, share your values and can intelligently mirror back your challenges are very hard to find.

### Where are You?

Are there any similarities between my issues and yours? I know what needs to change in my life and so do you. There is no secret that a therapist needs to unlock from the dark recesses of our brain. Can I change enough of the structural deficiencies in my life that cause a feeling of failure to step away from the suicide free throw line? Will the cost of making those changes be greater than the current pain I am experiencing now? To date I have determined that making changes in order to survive will impose greater mental or physical hardships than I can endure. With that prognosis, the cage is fairly secure and I am trapped with only one way out.

Rational as we are, we always keep a spark of hope alive to the very end. We fantasize about unforeseen events or miracles that will shift enough of our lives to relieve the pressure and despair we are feeling. I have those fantasies. But I also know there is a deadline looming. I know the edge is coming up on the horizon. On a good day, the edge gets pushed further out. On a bad day, the edge seems to be increasing in speed towards me. That is just another way of saying that there will come a time when I can't escape, the despair will overwhelm me and I will take my last trip to the coast.

### Blogging History

All of this doom and gloom did not show up overnight. Any good detective can reconstruct and find the clues that reveal the sequence of events. As I look back on some of my blog posts, I can see that I was writing for posterity and cataloguing the failures and frustrations in life. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. Here are some of the blog posts, in relative chronological order, that if not overtly, then subtly, reveal my own emotional state.

It's all about Me!

As a way to personalize my business and develop my 'Brand', I started blogging. In retrospect, I can see the change in my attitude from where I began to where I am today. My first post was my declarative statement of my faith in myself. However, I guess I proved the last sentence to be false.

Posted on March 25, 2011

To be in sales you have to be a little narcissistic. In other words, you need a good level of self-esteem and self-confidence. Most good sales people know their client is not necessarily buying from the company they work for but from the person. We make most major purchases through other human beings, not machines.

When I started out in the insurance field I was with a large company or general agency. It always bothered me that on the literature the company name was bigger than mine. In addition, there was no place to put my photo on my business cards. Why was this important? It was important because I am unique and my clients were buying from me, not some agency that they had never heard about.

It is a slippery slope when you start to brand yourself to be more important than the company you work for. Fortunately, health and life insurance lends itself to being an independent broker. While the folks at the general agency were nice enough, they did not necessarily embrace my philosophy of doing business.

Admittedly, I am either the most atypical sales person or the worst sales person. I do not go for the 'close', I refuse to pester people after 5pm, and I don't ask for referrals, in short, I am failing the successful salesman outline. But I really don't care, because it is all about me. That is not my personality.

It is all about you. Follow your instincts; you will be the success that you want to be.

### Hate infects the soul

_This post is still true, but now I have to deal with self-loathing and failure. I hate myself, not other people. This post germinated from hearing to much pessimism and other business people not understanding that you have to 'give' in order to 'get'._

Posted on March 5, 2011

Hate infects the soul. Practice reciprocity of tolerance.

It is fun to hate and we get encouragement from TV, radio, movies, magazines, our commutes to work and more. When we hate we feel superior to others. However, when we hate, it becomes easier to hate things or people that are really just annoyances.

Hate just seems to breed inside of people, myself included, and begins to cloud the judgment. Life becomes less fun because we are always pumped about hating someone or something.

Life is no picnic, on some days it can really suck. But since I have tried to actively keep hate out of my soul, I feel better; less aches and pains. You may not like me, but don't hate me and I won't hate you: reciprocity.

### Firing a Friend

_The previous post and this one are illuminating the frustration I am feeling towards people that fall short of my standards. Ironically, I will eventually fall short of my expectations and determine that I have to fire myself from life._

Posted on March 12, 2011

It is no fun to explain to someone that their work is sub-par. Recently I had to fire the person that was developing business and post cards for my business. This person is truly a wonderful human being but their lack of business and listening skills became a deal killer. While I try very hard to be accommodating to the folks that either provide services or goods for me, there is a point at which the relationship must be terminated.

I can actually tolerate some errors when it comes to little things that nibble around the edges like spelling, pushed out deadlines, minor errors, etc. As long as there is a good faith effort, I will usually give the person the benefit of the doubt that they are really trying to do their best.

However, I draw the line when folks become cavalier about my position and what I am paying them. Small businesses and start-ups are not bottomless money pits. Folks need to be considerate that we need some value for the money that we are paying you. One of the first things I ask when I have a meeting regarding a prospective service or product, "How much will it be and when do you want the money?" I then follow through and pay them the cash.

Ten years ago I started a business that I had to shut down after five years. To this day, one of the facts that I am proudest of is that everyone I contracted with or purchased product from was completely paid on time. The only person that took a hit and lost money was me.

I know the world will never change, so we will have to live and learn.

### Massage for the Brain

_I believe this post is the start of my self-examination and revelation in writing. Perhaps too much information, but I gravitate towards people that are genuine. I don't know about you, but I don't trust folks that are always 'On' and never have an 'Off' day. Could it be their Prozac prescription?_

Posted on April 28, 2011

Massage therapy is great for an achy body, but what about an achy brain? This week I met with Chip the massage therapist in my business referral group. Ostensibly, these one-on-one meetings are to learn more about each other's business and how to increase referrals to one another. Often times, you also talk about friends, family, successes, challenges and your failures.

To be perfectly honest, I really didn't think Chip and I had that much in common. But a good conversation proved me wrong. How? We are both guys working hard to keep the family strong, tending to friends and busting our butts to grow our businesses. All of us guys put forth a solid veneer of strength, prosperity and invincibility. However, veneers are paper-thin and over time they can develop splits and cracks. Some of my splits are big enough to drive a truck through.

Damaged veneers can be repaired. I have found the best restoration to be good honest conversations with like-minded people. I learned that Chad and I have very similar dreams and challenges for our families and businesses. Like any small business person we face the same struggles of effective marketing, bookkeeping, dealing with 'special' clients, paying bills and let's not even get into extended family matters.

Chip's motto is 'Come in broken, come out fixed.' The day we met, Chip did not lay a hand, elbow or foot on me. But through the art of good conversation he helped me put a very challenging week behind me. Massage therapy for the brain: good conversation with a new friend.

### Hope

_One of the greatest benefits of being self-employed is making time for your passions. My volunteer stint was obviously fulfilling my calling to help people. This post also attempts to describe part of my world view of life. The failure is that I have never been able to find a paying position helping other people. Hey, at least I tried. Also central to my life philosophy is that without hope, life has little meaning. From my perspective, that is what the major religious figures have brought to people: Hope._

Posted on May 8, 2011

I just finished volunteering on my first project for a non-profit focusing on job-readiness skills for people residing in transitional living communities. The 3 day project includes self-esteem build up, resume' writing skills, job interview role play, defining their success stories in life, business attire clothing, hair salon makeover and, on this occasion, an actual interview with personnel from a local retailer.

My main tasks were helping participants write their résumé's and get it up loaded on-line. With this blog post, it is not my goal to either ennoble the participants or myself. We all face challenges to one degree or another. A healthy community calls upon all of us to share our talents, skills and resources with our neighbors. It is the collective 'floating of all the boats' that makes our communities more sound and productive.

However, it was hard not to notice the significant change in the participant's demeanor and attitude by the end of the 3rd day. They were beaming with self-confidence and hope that they had taken one more step towards self-sufficiency for themselves and their families. For me, the operative word is hope. None of the 13+ volunteers can promise any of the 20 participants that they will land a job tomorrow. We cannot guarantee that prosperity is right around the corner.

What we can and did provide was hope. Because the future is unpredictable, even the wealthiest among us must have hope that through their honest hard work they will be rewarded in the future. Without hope, it is hard to get up each morning of each day.

### Individual Mandate Solution

_With this post I am starting to break the rules by talking politics and alienating potential clients. I am starting to wear my politics and belief system on my sleeve. As I have become less tolerant of ignorance I am more prone to speak my view. This has not gone well with others. This exercise of finding my voice means I have an increasingly difficult time working for morons._

Posted on May 13, 2011

One of the most disliked provisions of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act (PPACA), aka Obama Care, is the individual mandate. In 2014 all individuals and families must purchase acceptable health insurance or face a penalty. I did not like it when my mother made me eat my vegetables and I really chafe under government mandates.

From my recollection, it was the insurance companies who lobbied for the individual mandate. In order to offer certain benefits within a specific cost range, the health insurance providers need to be assured of a significantly large enough pool of healthy people to spread the risk and expense.

One of the big drivers of medical expenses, and in turn health insurance premiums, is the tremendous amount of uncollected debt owed to hospitals and doctors for emergency room care. In California alone, hospitals shouldered more than $5 billion for uncompensated care in 2003. In addition, it has been estimated by The American Hospital Association that hospitals lost $36.5 billion in uncompensated care due to underpayments for service by Medicaid in 2009.

But I have a solution. Instead of a mandate; every person who wishes not to purchase health insurance, or get subsidized health insurance, should pledge to America that if they are treated for an accident or illness in a hospital they will faithfully pay off the debt incurred for the treatment and will not declare bankruptcy to have the debt discharged.

Part of the rational for health insurance is to protect your assets from unexpected and potentially catastrophic medical bills. The side benefit is that the hospitals and doctors that provide the treatment are paid. If all of us pledge to pay off our medical bills, regardless of our situation or circumstances, there should be little reason to keep the individual mandate in force.

So, let us all send in our pledge cards to Congress today and I am sure they will listen to the voice of the people and repeal the mandate. And I also pledge to eat my vegetables.

### Don't Leave the House

_This post chronicles why I can't work for other people. Again, I can no longer play the game purely for the money. This position of principle makes it 10 times more difficult for me to succeed._

Posted on June 9, 2011

One afternoon I was with my 'Sales Leader' working with a couple applying for health insurance, when I noticed that we were missing a document. I started to excuse myself to go out to the car and retrieve it. The 'Sales Leader' shot me a look, raised his hand and said in a whispered voice, 'don't ever leave the house'. He was not concerned for my safety; he was concerned about losing a sale. It was at that moment that I knew I had to get away from that agency.

The 'red flag' for consumers is an agent that never wants to leave you alone. They don't ever want to give you a chance to think about the decision before you. If the agent leaves the room, you might actually have a conversation with your partner or spouse about the appropriateness of the insurance plan. You might even have doubts about signing on the dotted line. The insurance agent might loose a sale!

It is all a psychological ploy to pressure you into making the purchase. Inherently, we do not want to say 'no' to anyone, especially if they are sitting across from us. We don't want to seem as if we are letting the person down. When the sales person leaves the room, your brain can focus not on keeping the agent happy, but what is best for you.

Here are a few strategies for breaking the sales routine and get some breathing room:

1. Suggest you move to a different room to get more comfortable.

2. Offer to make some tea or coffee and have some snacks.

3. Start chatting up the salesperson about his or her family, hobbies or interests.

4. Ask the sales person if he or she would like to look at your pocket watch collection.

Health and Life insurance decisions are rarely made in one quick meeting. If you ever feel the least bit of pressure from a sales person, call a time out and request some space to study the plans and options. It's alright if the sales person has to leave the house, the worse thing that can happen is that you make the right decision.

### Where's the follow up?

_This is an echo of any earlier post about people not living up to my standards. I am busting my butt trying to help other people and I would like a little reciprocity. The final analysis is that cynicism is starting to washing over my mood and optimism is ebbing away. I am trying to help out other people with referrals and contacts, why can't they do the same?_

Posted on June 14, 2011

Weekly, I meet many fellow business people at mixers, fundraisers, and networking events that have products and services I could potentially purchase. Of these hundreds of people I have met, do you know how many have actually followed up with me? Statistically speaking, Zero! Consequently, I was somewhat shocked and surprised when I received not one, but two, follow up notes in the mail today.

Sales people and small business owners, 'Where is your follow up?'

When I meet someone and we exchange business cards, I follow up with at least a video e-mail and if there is a mailing address, a post card. My follow up correspondence is not a 'hard sell' but rather a 'nice to meet you, thanks for the conversation.' While I know that most people are not in the market for health or life insurance at that moment, they might be in the future or they may know of someone who does need insurance. My follow up is to remind them that I am a decent fellow, who remembered our conversation and by-the-way, I sell insurance.

In the age where everyone is glued to their smart phone, face book, twitter, e-mail, Four Square, Hoot Suite, LinkedIn (name your app), no one, it seems, has time to send a simple follow up e-mail or better yet, snail mail note. Am I supposed to take you seriously if you don't at least try to connect with me? Guess what folks; I do buy from people I have met. Items purchased from mere acquaintances or recommendations include: website services, business cards, collateral printing, banners, home and auto insurance, books, software, and much more.

So I was stunned when I received a note from two people saying how much they enjoyed talking to me. Admittedly, both of these folks are in the business of helping folks like me hone my skills to create more sales. I guess I should expect no less from two professionals. Regardless, their notes left an impression on me. I now have two folks to recommend for life and sales coaching services.

Now, I wonder if Les and Michele would have sent me their notes if I had not contacted them first....hmmm?

### Social Media Extortion

_This post is not necessarily representative of my frame of mind, but I get more hits for it on my website than anything I have ever posted. Maybe social commentary is my calling._

Posted on July 1, 2011

Social media muscle: bluff, equalizer, extortion

Is it ethical to leverage your social media following for gain?

At a recent networking event I met a gentleman who proudly boasted of having leveraged his social media following to fix a problem he encountered while traveling. Upon arriving at his overnight lodging he was welcomed with poor service and a room that was not what he had asked for or expected. After arguing with the staff for several minutes, to no avail, he determined his only option was the threat of going 'viral'. He quickly pulled out his iPad and shot an e-mail to upper management threatening that if he did not get the room he wanted with the appropriate deference from the front desk staff, he was going to tweet to his thousands of followers and thousands of Facebook friends how horribly he had been treated at their establishment.

Within minutes, he said, phones were ringing, people were scurrying and upper management came out to greet him. The management was so happy that he was staying at their fine lodge and 'of course' his new room with extra fluffy bed was waiting for his arrival.

I calmly looked at my recent acquaintance and asked, "Wasn't your threat a form of extortion?"

"Oh no" he replied, "I got the room and service I deserved. That's what you get when you have thousand of Facebook friends and thousands of Twitter followers." Surely, this was a man with lots of social media muscle that could make large corporations bow down to him. Chalk one up for common man or B list celebrity.

Comparatively speaking, I am a weakling with only a few hundred FB friends and Twitter followers. I could never extort my way to a better: room, dinner, theater tickets, airplane seat, etc. Of course, no one knows how many friends and followers I have. I might be able to bluff my way into that suite at the Ritz Carlton.

But is that ethical? It is one situation to Yelp about poor service or crummy food at a restaurant, but it seems an entirely different scenario to use the threat of social media limited nuclear war for gain or to resolve an issue or dispute. While it is not illegal to tweet the facts, as you perceive them, I believe you cross an ethical line when you tweet for vengeance and the spoils of war.

Finally, I asked my acquaintance, "Where were you staying that had such poor service?" With a completely straight face he answered, "A Hostel up in Seattle."

Well, I thought, I might have enough social media muscle at a Hostel, with my type of friends and followers, to get an upper bunk bed.

Your comments are welcomed and encouraged. However, don't even threaten me with twitter extortion if I don't approve your comments.

### To Cut or Not to Cut

_A peek into my deliberative decision making process. I am not impulsive, but decisive. At this point I have started to share about who I am in order that people might connect with me._

Posted on July 16, 2011

At least vasectomies are reversible, circumcision is not.

If you want to leave your mark on your boy, cut his hair and not his foreskin.

Before our son was born 14 years ago I struggled with whether to have him circumcised or not. All of my past consternation on the topic bubbled to the surface when I heard that the City of San Francisco had approved a November ballot referendum to ban all circumcisions in the city. If nothing else, the proposed San Francisco ban vindicated that I was not the only person that gave circumcision such considerable thought.

Through all the obstetric visits and birthing classes the topic of circumcision was never really touched on as far as I can remember. But I was certain someone was going to ask, if the baby was a boy, whether we wanted him to be circumcised. Consequently, I wanted to be prepared with an answer. But what was the answer, yes or no! So began a short but intense philosophical debate and research for information that could lead us to the correct decision that fit within our world view of life.

At the time, I was not a particularly religious person, and to be honest, I did not really know the history of circumcision and its meaning. All I knew was that it somehow started as a Jewish tradition but I did not understand why the Christian religions embraced it. If the Jewish tradition of circumcision was so important, why didn't we Christians also celebrate Hanukah? It was all very confusing.

From an evolutionary standpoint, the foreskin had to have some purpose. How many body parts do we have that are extraneous and don't serve some sort of purpose. OK, nipples on men don't make much sense. Conversely, we are designed to lose some parts, like male pattern balding, so why wouldn't the foreskin just drop off when not needed. "Nature is way smarter than me", I thought. Who was I to question which body parts were necessary now or in the future.

For the first time in my life I turned to the bible for answers. After much reading, there was one passage that really struck me, Galatians 5:6 (NRSV), "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision counts for anything; the only thing that counts is faith working through love". That resonated with me. However, could I embrace a Christian doctrine when I wasn't really sure I was a Christian?

I looked up. I looked down. I had to fall back on experience. My parents made many decisions for me that I did not agree with. Most of those decisions were reversible, but not circumcision. A part of me was taken without my consent. My foreskin wasn't endangering my life, it was just there. I have had a couple of operations in that area, one to fix a diverticulum in my urethra. It was not pleasant, but I survived. Had I wanted or needed a circumcision, I would have survived.

I finally decided that I was not going to mess around with my son. If he wants a circumcision, let him make the decision. I guarantee he will survive if he wants one as an adult. For me, it had nothing to do with religion or potential disease. The bottom line is you do not F__k around with someone else's body for your own personal satisfaction or God's. I have gotten to the point that I am uncomfortable seeing little babies with their ears pierced. Parents should not permanently disfigure their children to satisfy some quirky identity issues for themselves. If you want to leave your mark on your kids; get their haircut. Hair always grows back, foreskins don't regenerate.

My son took a photo when he was on his 8th grade trip to Washington D.C. of folks protesting circumcision in front of Congress and before I even wrote this post. I think he understands at age 14.

### Are You A Foot Washer?

_There are some good people out there and I wanted to acknowledge them, but I also wanted other folks to do some self-examination about their own motives. In hind sight this post looks more like a sermon. I knew I should have gone to seminary. Another missed opportunity and bad decision._

Posted on August 4, 2011

Can you kneel and wash the feet of your neighbor?

In my business I have the pleasure to speak to many different people from a variety of backgrounds and occupations. As one might expect, good conversations will naturally turn to personal philosophy and world views.

A recent conversation with a fellow Rainbow Chamber member veered into the area of our activities in the community and our work with non-profits. Richard summarized his role as, "I am a foot washer, that's what I was called to do". I had never heard or thought of that analogy for someone who actively seeks to help, heal and cleanse the soul of another.

If you are not familiar with the foot washing metaphor it is recounted in the Gospel of John about how Jesus washed the feet of his disciples before the festival of Passover.

_"_ _Then he (Jesus) poured water into a basin and began to wash the disciples' feet and to wipe them with the towel that was tied around him." "For I have set for you an example that you also should do as I have done to you. Very truly, I tell you, servants are not greater than their master, nor are messengers greater than the one who sent them." John 13: 5, 15 – 16 NRSV_

The foot washing experience is replicated during Holy Week in many churches where the parishioners will have their feet washed by the Priest or other Lay members. It is quite a humbling experience to have your feet washed by someone else, much less a person of position. If someone can kneel and wash my feet, perhaps I can do the same.

I would like to consider myself a foot washer: someone who serves everyone, regardless status or position. From my perspective, no religion or culture has an exclusive on becoming a 'foot washer'.

Shortly after my first conversation, I was talking to Michael, a busy attorney in the community and member of my referral group, who was pumped up about his work and outreach to the homeless in the community. Michael's mission is not a typical corporate gesture of contributing money to a high profile problem. Michael likes to get in the trenches, get dirty and wash the feet of others. You can tell by the passion in his voice that he is looking beyond the physical into the very soul and spark of humanity that all of us have.

The downside to talking with erudite and compassionate people is you have to ask the question, "Do I measure up? Am I doing all that I can to help my neighbor? Or am I too consumed with my own financial plight that I miss the bigger picture?"

There are many women who are foot washers, but it comes naturally and easier for them. Sorry guys, most of us are too self-absorbed to take time and review our lives. Some day they will make a pill for our condition. Until then, guys must necessarily struggle to stay focused on washing the feet of others whether it is being the coach of our children's team sport, in our relationships, working with clients or dealing with strangers.

All I know is that I am fortunate to have good friends like Richard and Michael who gently challenge me in thought and action. Are you a foot washer? I am pretty sure most of you are, and 'Thank You' for being wonderful examples in our community.

### Confession of Depression

_Yikes! Did I really write this? I am sure I broke some business marketing rules of being too honest and revealing too much about myself. Not many people read it so I guess it is of no consequence._

Posted on August 16, 2011

Real depression is beyond the blues.

While working on my continuing education units for my health insurance license I ran across a term I had never heard or seen before: presenteeism. As you might conclude, presenteeism is somewhat the opposite of absenteeism. With presenteeism, the employee shows up for work but because of illness, chronic condition, family issues, or depression the person is not very effective or efficient. The lack of production or presenteeism costs the company money.

From the Kaiser Permanente module "Linking Presenteeism to Productivity"

_Presenteeism is the loss of productivity that occurs when employees come to work while ill or distracted (e.g., suffering from depression) and therefore cannot perform well._

_For every dollar spent in direct medical costs, presenteeism is an indirect medical expense that costs a business an additional $2 to $3. With the national average of combined direct medical costs hovering around $7,000 a year per employee, presenteeism-driven productivity losses could cost employers more than $14,000 a year per worker._

It is such a bummer when you read something and it is like having a spot light beamed directly at you. For years I was the poster boy for presenteeism and I never knew it. My affliction: depression.

To be clear, we are not talking about the depression of "I am blue because my team lost the World Series". We are talking about the type of depression that seeps into your very soul and paralyzes you from normal engagement with friends, family, co-workers, and work. Depression for me in high school and college was more episodic. I would have a bad bout then snap out of it as situations morphed in my favor. It was not until I got jobs that were more 'routine' in nature that the depression would manifest itself for weeks at a time with no end in sight.

From my vantage point, I didn't think I had much of a problem. But when you have friends come up to you and say, "Dylan, I scored some Prozac from my neighbor, you want a pop a few?" That's a pretty good indicator that the fungus of depression has taken over your entire being and you are making everyone else completely miserable.

I never lost a job to depression but I have lost plenty of sleep, friends, family and opportunities for advancement. If you have never experienced a real ongoing hurricane of depression my best analogy is an utter loss of hope. Hope that life will get better (even if it is pretty good). Hope that you have some sort of value or worth to friends, family or your job. Hope that you are making a difference to the world and to the ones around you. When there is no hope you question your very existence.

Much of my depression stemmed from a feeling of being powerless or a failure at my attempts to move forward. Part of the frustration of depression is that the issues that trigger depression are a matter of perspective. The depression inducing dead-end-job of today is a joy when that same job allows you tremendous amounts of time with family and friends. My failure to achieve my financial goals depends on whether I see the glass as half empty or half full.

But I don't want to make depression out to be so simplistic that a little bit of advice from self-help columnist will make the problem go away. There are real organic brain imbalances happening with depression.

My depression was and can be acute. Even though I was counseled to seek drug therapy from more than one person, I always resisted that path. The only glimmer of hope I had was that I knew what triggered my depression. Others are not so fortunate. I can almost pinpoint the situations, conversations or series of events that push me into the hole. Once I am in the hole of depression I will either float to the top with the rising water or continue to sink like a rock. The only way for me to avoid the perils of depression is to be as independent as possible, be genuine, pursue my belief system and surround myself with supportive and intelligent people. To all my friends, family and acquaintances; you are of more value to me than you will ever know, you are my walking Prozac. I am one of the lucky ones in that I can control and, to a certain extent, ameliorate the effects of depression. Others are not so lucky. Should I be on medication? Probably, but I feel like I am making progress.

The turning point in my battle with depression came when my father died in March of 2010. I was not depressed over his death, but the freedom and opportunity I now had because I was no longer absorbed with his end of life care. There was no longer a distraction from my soul crushing job and stalled life. After a period of discernment, my first career choice was to become a monk in monastery high on a hill. Since the monastic life did not necessarily mesh with my family, I chose insurance. Am I happy and not depressed? Yes, most of the time. I would be lying if I said I never had an 'off' day. Financially, I am moving forward little by little. But I would rather lose money than go back to the hell of depression I suffered in so many jobs.

For those of you who know me as Mr. Happy Networking Guy, that is a big part of my personality. It is genuine and I enjoy it. I know many of you face the same challenges as I do and are battling issues and demons far greater than mine. Yet, in public, we remain positive and happy. Is there any other alternative? How I wish that optimism and motivation spilled over into other parts of my life.

For all the folks who read this and have never suffered from depression, feel as though you are blessed. As a word of advice, if you know someone who is suffering from depression, don't offer advice. Please don't offer up well-intentioned but trite phrases like, "It will be better tomorrow", "Look on the bright side of things.", "Think happy thoughts", or "Don't fret over the small stuff". Such comforting words are like jabbing a dirty stick in a sucking chest wound; you are doing little to stop the bleeding and you are infecting the patient. Instead, sit with us, smile and acknowledge our existence. Often times it is the smallest act of friendship that offers the greatest therapeutic results.

### Linked In and Suicide Prevention

_Ironically, I have never called a suicide hot line. Typical; I never take my own advice. Forensically, you can connect the dots of the previous couple of posts to this one and say, "Aha, he was suicidal the whole time." Thank goodness no one reads my blog._

Posted on  September 5, 2011

Trevor Project Suicide Prevention

A great feature of Linked In is the ability to join groups and participate in conversations about business related topics. Recently I responded to a comment thread that was a little off topic but permissible. I was fairly ruthlessly attacked in writing by one of the other group members. While this did not necessarily bother me, there were a few issues that saddened me and touched a sensitive spot in my soul.

The sum total of the attack upon me, and others, was that we were mentally ill for the beliefs we held. Allegedly, this is a group centered on health insurance topics so I guess this was the writer's way of sliding a health related issue into his diatribe. This gentlemen was so 'off base' in his comments that some us of started to refer to him as Crazy Bill.

However, the most disturbing development was the number of people who supported and believed in what Crazy Bill was advocating. How could intelligent people dehumanize others solely based on their beliefs? That's when I realized that Linked In wasn't just for smart people, anyone can join.

My general reply to Crazy Bill and the others was that despite what they thought of me, I was still willing to take a bullet to preserve American freedoms including their right to free speech. Of course, if America does fall into civil war, I can only hope that the bullet does not come from Crazy Bill. Think of the irony!

On a more serious note, September 4th – 10th, 2011, is National Suicide Prevention week. It occurred to me reading the comments left by Crazy Bill and his supporters that their words and labels can have a significant impact on the mental health of others. At the very least, their words can put people into depression, and at the worst, they can be the tipping point that pushes someone over the edge. I know you may scoff at my theory, but I believe it.

A deadly combination is the lack of self-worth and lack of hope. It is absolutely impossible to know what the fuel gage for self-esteem shows or the hope meter indicates for any specific person. When you run out of both, at the same time, you have a proverbial broken down car in the middle of Death Valley in August.

Health Insurance companies take your mental health seriously. So seriously, in fact, they will deny you health insurance if you have attempted suicide. If you have discussed suicide with a professional and have taken medications for suicidal tendencies; the best you can hope for is a rate increase, the worst is out right denial of coverage for individual and family plans.

Most of us are not counselors. But all of us are human beings. I may not agree with Crazy Bill, but if he needs a person to talk to, I will listen. I will not judge. I will not offer homespun advice beyond directing him to seek professional help or to call a suicide prevention hotline. 1-800-273-TALK National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

Another great resource is the Trevor Project 866-4-U-TREVOR. The mission of the Trevor Project is to end suicide among LGBTQ youth by providing life-saving and life-affirming resources including their nationwide, 24/7 crisis intervention lifeline, digital community and advocacy/educational programs that create a safe, supportive and positive environment for everyone.

How can you support National Suicide Prevention Week? Smile at people, have a pleasant conversation and most importantly listen to what the other person says. You are not looking for suicidal tendencies; you are merely filling up the gas tank of self-esteem and protecting the flickering flame of hope for most people.

### Gender Health Center

_Here I am at my best. I enjoy writing and generating publicity for good causes. The Gender Health Center has a great mission of helping people. To be honest, I felt a kinship of being disenfranchised from the community I wanted to identify with, LGBT. My secondary hope was that I would at least be recognized as an honorary member and be included. But unless you carry the LGBT card, you can't be included in the club._

Posted on October 1, 2011

With the participation of Chaz Bono on 'Dancing With The Stars', the awareness of transgender people in our communities has been raised. Contrary to what many people may think, transgender people don't just live in Hollywood or San Francisco. The surrounding areas are home to many transgender people.

An obvious challenge for most transgender men and women is wrestling between their physical and mental identities. The high level of mental energy necessary to balance all the aspects of life for transgender people can result in depression, withdrawal, destructive behavior and other mental health challenges.

Fortunately for the transgender population the Gender Health Center (GHC) is a great resource for counseling and support. GHC is a relatively new counseling center opened just 15 months ago and is centered on the counseling needs of the LGBTQ community; focusing on the "T" or transgender.

Their services embrace the psychological well-being and self-fulfillment of individuals coming out or in the transition process with a safe, supportive and welcoming environment. While their core services are directed at gender identity transitions, their counseling staff can also support family members and friends of transgender men and women. Gender Health Center is a not for profit agency and their fees are based on a sliding scale.

### The Allure of Monastic Life

_This post is for real and from my core. It may be surprising to some that an individual can harbor so many different identities and passions. We are very complex. Let's be real. Just becoming a monk would not solve my structural problems. The issue is that the dream, freedom and hope of a monastic lifestyle are largely beyond me at this time and perhaps forever._

Posted on October 6, 2011

Happy are they who dedicate their lives with focus.

Occasionally, in conversations, people will ask what I did before my incarnation as a health and life insurance agent. For some odd reason I feel compelled to share that I felt my first calling was to become a monk and live in a monastery high on hill. But when I found out religious orders usually don't take people over 40 years old, selling insurance was plan B.

The variety of responses I get to my monastic confession should be cataloged. Some people are very empathetic and say, "That sounds wonderful", or "I have dreamt of that as well". Other folks react with shock as if I contemplated joining a cult. They spill out responses such as, "Living in a monastery is like running away from life." or "That sounds creepy."

It is then necessary to explain that I have been attempting to live by a Benedictine rule of life for several years. I developed my rule when I became an associate of the Order of Holy Cross which is an Episcopal monastic order. Within my rule is daily Bible reading, prayer, church attendance, partaking of the Eucharist, education, retreats and support for the order. Did you notice I wrote 'attempting' to live by a rule? Some weeks and months are more difficult than others to maintain my rule of life.

My rule is pretty easy when you think about it. I am simply trying to structure my daily life to include certain routines to engage my faith. As we get older, most of us crave more routine and daily expectations. This could be the morning coffee and paper, the lunch time walk, the afternoon snack or the evening reading. Routines make us feel comfortable and enable us to focus more easily.

If you have ever spent time at an abbey or monastery you can appreciate the emphasis on routine. Daily prayers can begin at 4 o'clock in the morning. The monks are called to prayer 5 or 6 more times during the day. Who of us does not take a 5 or 10 minute break every couple of hours? These small prayer breaks, often times accompanied by song or chants, are a period of refreshment. Yet, the clock work routine of daily prayers serves as the companion to support the monks to stay focused on the spiritual as opposed to becoming hopelessly entangled in our transient physical world.

But the big lure of monastic life for me is focus. When you can focus and meditate, even for a short period, you get a whiff of real relaxation and clear vision. Layer on top of that in depth study of religion, faith, God and the cosmos coupled with physical work at the monastery and I think you have created a fairly perfect life. Or another way to put it; when you are able to excise all the anxiety caused by our consumptive lifestyle (clothes, food, cars, homes, strained relationships, etc.), there is the possibility for true happiness.

The order that I had been affiliated with moved their Berkeley chapter house to Santa Barbara. Consequently, for several years I really had no physical connection to the order. I have stumble upon the GR's that has Eucharistic gatherings twice a month in area. This 'monastery without walls', as they like to call it, includes both men and women, some of whom have taken solemn vows. Their services are of a contemplative nature and in a simple setting. Austerity is a virtue.

I am not a proponent of doing anything half-way. Either do the work, build the project or run the race the whole way; no short cuts. Unfortunately, this is one area of my life that I have to make a compromise. I have made commitments and I do have obligations. But there will always be the allure of living that simple unfettered life where you can truly focus on filling your soul with joy. Perhaps, someday, when the second career of insurance ends, I can become fully engaged in the monastic lifestyle.

### My Summer as a Bully

_This was originally written as an entry in my son's journal. I wanted him to know something of my childhood, issues and challenges as an adult. What is glaring to me is how the guilt over hurting other people can really be a driver for me. You would think that guilt would negate any thoughts of suicide, but there is some sort of firewall in my brain._

Posted on October 10, 2011

Is this the face of a bully? No, I was a wimp.

I was never bully material. I was the youngest in my family so I never had any one to practice bullying on. Plus, I always carried around a lot of guilt so it was hard for me to be cruel to someone for my own personal satisfaction. Like so many stupid things I have said, I have kept a vivid memory of my hurtful words and actions and have been tormented with a fantasy that someday I could actually apologize to those who I intentionally hurt.

Yet, as twelve year old, there was one summer when I got to pick on someone weaker than me and feel somewhat superior. In a rare event of family unity, it was decided that my two nephews and I would get to go to Junior Life Guard Camp at the lake. We did daily runs, long swims, learned how to sail and perform CPR over a 4 week period. Some how a car pool was organized in the neighborhood, so my nephews and I got to take a long hot ride out to the lake with other kids we did not know.

Junior Lifeguard badge of a bully.

One of kids was Chris. Just the name screamed geek, nerd, dufus, and weakling. Chris' body did not disappoint in living up to the imagery. He was tall and skinny with egg shell white skin and large brown freckles. In retrospect, we could have been brothers by our similar appearance, but that irony did not occur to me at the time.

The movie Jaws had just come out the year before so we had a great time either swimming or running away from Chris as we feigned panic that the 'great white geek' was going to get us. We only included Chris in any conversation as a means to torment him and to give us a cheap laugh. Chris was an easy target, yet he never got mean or cried. It was like he was used to other kids bullying him, just like I was used to kids making fun of me. With the last name of Stevens (sic), I got a lot of nose, nostril, and snot type jokes. I really knew how Chris felt because I had to have been the clumsiest kid in my class.

The ultimate humiliation to Chris came after a particularly long swim. We had all gotten back up to the top of the beach sitting underneath the big oak trees. Even though it must have been 100 degrees outside, you still felt the need to dry off with your towel. Since Chris was usually last out of the water, we all started using his towel so ours would not be wet for the ride back to town. As Chris asked for the towel back, someone got the big idea to blow their nose into the towel. We all took turns blowing our noses and then stuffed it into the nearest garbage can, laughing all the way back to the shade.

Chris never said a word. He just got his towel out of the garbage can and went and sat down. It was at that moment that I felt the initial pang of guilt. No one ever said anything about our stupid behavior; no one yelled at us or told us to stop. We never had to apologize for anything we did to Chris.

Of course, no one ever apologized to me for throwing 3 eggs into my locker when I was in 7th grade. I am sure I did or said something to deserve it but I was clueless and totally humiliated. While I can dismiss the bullying that was done to me and carry no ill will towards others, I have carried the burden of guilt around of what I have done to others. I am not sure what triggers the pains of remorse, perhaps it was because I now had a son and I needed to do better. Somehow I needed to make amends for my past sins so that my son would have a 'good' father without a lot of secrets in the past. Or maybe it is just my personality to want to make restitution.

Regardless of the cause, I still have 'like yesterday' memories that I wish I could atone for. When I was in High School we had a close group of kids that were in many of the same classes; Student Government, Advanced English and Science, Year Book, etc. There was one girl that kind of irritated me and we always sort of argued. One day I walked into one of our classes and saw the gang but no Barbara. I was kind of relieved and made a joke out loud, "Hey, where is Barbara the Bitch today?" From behind a desk blocked from my view she replied, "I'm right here Dylan."

I don't think in the immediate aftermath of the verbal train wreck known as my mouth, could any apology ever heal the wound that I created with my tongue. The glow of humiliation was too bright for Chris, Barbara or me to ever see any sincerity in an apology.

So years go by and I still replay my stupid acts in my head and harbor fantasies of making grand apologies to the offended with the highest possible contrition. Actually, about 20 years go by when the apology fantasy arises. No longer a skinny, geeky kid, I am now an entrepreneur. I have had a great idea for a new irrigation controller that is going to revolutionize the world. Truly, my modifications and use of wireless technology will take the world by storm, I will become rich and I will have created a legend like the guys that made the first computer in a garage. Of course, I was under capitalized, overly debt burden, short on engineering skills and was a small fish in a really big pond. Consequently, I found myself building many of the components myself, which was fun. Occasionally I would have to go to the local big box electronics stores to get software or printed circuit board parts and that is when I saw Chris, the cashier, at the check out counter.

How could I not see Chris? He was still pasty white, tall, balding and a little lumpy around the middle. He was a middle aged white man working as a cashier with 5 or 10 other folks that were half his age and all from either India or Pakistan. Where as I could envision the young kids holding down a part time cashier job while they attended college for either computer or electrical engineering degrees, Chris looked liked he was somewhat resigned to the his career path as a cashier.

The light next to his cash register flashed and I was directed by the customer line gate keeper to see Chris to pay for my parts. As I approached I verified that indeed it was Chris Edgy on the name tag. I blurted out, "Hi Chris, remember me, Dylan Stevens, we attended Junior Lifeguards together?" "Oh, yeah." He commented with a slight smile. "How are you, what have you been up to?" These were questions for which I did not really want a reply. I could see how he was doing; he was a cashier in a dead end job. What possibly could have totally destroyed his self-esteem that at the age of 38 he became a cashier?

While Chris responded to my question about his life, which I did not listen to, my mind was racing about how I could take this one gift from God to redeem my soul. How could I squeeze in recognition of my past sins and apology?

"Gosh, kids can be so cruel, we were real idiots back then, I hope there are no hard feelings?" I strung together at the first opportunity. A little rambling I thought, but certainly he knew what I was talking about, the dreaded snotty towel episode. "Oh well, kids will be kids." He muttered. "No", I thought, "you missed the point of the conversation Chris". I wanted to talk about the past more in depth but I felt that if I talked too much I might get him fired for goofing off on the job.

Of course, he did acknowledge that 12 year olds say and do things that are equivalent to nuclear bombs on a persons psyche at that age. But I wanted more. I wanted to feel as when Jesus tells the woman who he saves from being stoned to death for adultery that, "...you are forgiven, now go and sin no more." Instead, I felt like I had somehow contributed to his plateau as a human being. Not only was it my bullying words that destroyed him, it was my lack of intervention. I could have told my nephews not to pick on Chris, you know, 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you.' But the rush of finally being a bully was more intoxicating than reality.

I left the store with a partial victory. When I recounted all that happen to my wife, she could not connect with my angst, either past or present. My next fantasy was to have a long chat with Chris, perhaps over coffee someday, to really explore the actions of 12 year olds and to more properly ask for his forgiveness. But I never saw Chris again at the store. When my therapy session possibility faded I began to concoct alternate scenarios for Chris' life. In reality, I thought, Chris was not in a mind numbing job of checking out hundreds of pompous idiots like me every day, he was actually the store manager just filling in for a sick team member. That's why I never saw him again.

Of course the other fantasy was my new business. While I could call myself President and CEO of my own company for about 3 years, it eventually ended with a whimper. Regardless of the outcome, I was very proud that all my vendors got paid, all the customers were serviced through any warranty period and the only real loser was my family's balance sheet with a non-performing second mortgage. So I went from entrepreneur flying around the state to meet with engineers and make sales calls to another un-employed 40 something. Now I had to go back and get a real job.

When I think back on my apologetic encounter with Chris, I am reminded of the rabbinical argument against gossiping. I paraphrase: Gossip is like a pillow filled with goose down, torn open atop a windy hill. No matter how hard you try you will never be able to track down all the feathers and put them back into the pillow. So perhaps my time as entrepreneur and goose down chaser had come to an end.

Eventually, I went to work for a small company that I had worked for in High School. While I have slightly greater responsibilities than when I used to ride my bike from school to work 25 years earlier, my main responsibility is to be a clerk and cashier at the counter. At 45, I have stopped trying to self-actualize, and started to try and enjoy life. There has been no event or series of events that destroyed my self-esteem. I am relatively happy with a nice family. Maybe it has taken me eight years to learn what Chris already knew, kids will be kids and life will be life. And Barbara if you are listening...I'm sorry.

**Ironically, after I wrote this piece sometime ago, I moved closer to the lake. Now, virtually every weekend I ride my mountain bike past the park, site of junior lifeguard training, at the lake and see lots of young families and kids not acting like bullies.

### Rainbow Chamber

_This was a post sent out for wide distribution. By promoting the Rainbow Chamber I was also trying to identify with the community without being a part of the community. I really connected with so many of the members and truly enjoyed their company._

Posted on June 1, 2011

As I walked into the Lighting show room I was not sure what to expect. This was my first Rainbow Chamber mixer. You may be as surprised as I was to learn that (Your City) has a chamber of commerce focused on businesses and supporters of the Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual and Transgender (LGBT) community. I stumbled upon them at a small business – government networking event at the Community Center where they had a table.

Because I was getting my insurance business started, I routinely attended any mixer, chamber or networking event I could find. Any apprehensions I had about the Chamber melted away within minutes as I was surrounded by professional men and women from a variety of industries. Before the evening was over I had talked to lawyers, consultants' writers, bankers, real estate agents, insurance agents, landscapers, and the list goes on.

On its face, the chamber membership mirrors virtually any other chamber in the area with a variety of industries represented. You have the large institutions such as banks, real estate, and mortgage companies. Then you have the small to medium businesses like chiropractors, optometrists, travel agencies, promotional companies, florists and many more. Many of the other local chambers are also members such as Black and Hispanic chambers.

Just as you don't have to be Asian or Pacific Islander to join the Asian Pacific Chamber of Commerce, you don't have to identify yourself as a member of the LGBT community to join a Rainbow Chamber. Similar to the other chambers, they raise funds to provide scholarships and grants to non-profit organization that are important to their membership.

However, one of the best parts of the chamber is the great venues for the mixers, all with incredible catering and adult beverages. The mixers are way too fun. The second best part of this small chamber of commerce is the people you will meet. They are very friendly, welcoming, knowledgeable, loyal and a wealth of information. Truly, I have learned more from this chamber and their variety of events to help my business grow than any other organization I have belonged to. Icing on the cake are the invaluable friendships I have made with the other members. I encourage anyone who wants to know more about the Rainbow Chamber or the community it focuses on to attend a mixer as my guest. You will be rewarded with more than just business contacts.

### Blind Faith: Marketing Failures

_After a year at the Rainbow Chamber it was evident that my attempt to fit into the crowd had not worked. The lack of referrals, leads or actual business was less of any issue than not being accepted into the club, at least from my perspective. Perhaps more than anything I wanted friendships and a role in the gay community that my current circumstances would not allow. It was, in hindsight, too much to ask. I decided not to renew my membership as gesture that part of my strategy to keep my life afloat had failed. While I don't say it directly, many folks picked up that this post was about the Rainbow Chamber. It was certainly a tipping point for me as my carefully engineered world started to crumble. The folks that I so wanted to be accepted by looked pass me. I tend to revel in kicking myself when I am down. Either way, the acknowledgment that I was not part of the club was a real trigger into my current slide into depression. The following post was not a reflection of the Chamber, but of me._

Posted on  November 11, 2011

My marketing balloon was popped by reality.

If you can?...learn from my mistakes.

At what point do you call a marketing effort a mistake and move on? What measurements do you use? My lesson is to be aware of becoming too emotionally attached to a marketing effort to the point you are blinded to the reality of poor results.

In my case, I joined an organization that I really felt a connection with. The people and mission of supporting and growing business were great. I attended 95% of the monthly events including special educational sessions. Since I have no problem networking, I was able to meet virtually every member, staff, and all the directors. It is safe to say that within the membership, if people did not know me by sight, they knew my name. In addition to regular meetings, I volunteered for committees and helped out at any event when asked.

From my point of view, it is not enough to just show up; you have to be active and support the other businesses. Whenever possible I would purchase goods and services from my fellow members. These purchases totaled over $3500 in the last year. Even when I was not totally satisfied with the quality or product purchased, I just moved on and continued to support the organization.

My marketing goal, with respect to my involvement, was not to necessarily sell my insurance products to fellow members. My goal was to be known as a trustworthy fellow that the members would be comfortable referring their friends and business associates to. While I believe I met the trust factor, no leads or referrals were forth coming. From start to finish, not one of the members purchased anything from me or offered any referrals.

For better or worse, I am not a 'hard sell' type of guy. I always wear a name badge that gives my profession as a Health and Life Insurance agent. People can read what I do and if they want to ask questions or engage in the insurance topic, great. But I never lead an introduction with an elevator speech. Folks recoil from the phrase 'insurance salesman' and I don't want to add to their angst while having a pleasant evening networking.

When my membership renewal came due I had to give serious pause to my involvement. I had developed a deep connection to the organization and had made many good friends. It was really tearing me apart that I had to leave the organization so I could invest my marketing money and time where I found the return to be more favorable. At its core, the organization is about supporting and growing businesses in the region. I certainly had contributed to some of the businesses with my purchases and helped bring new members and volunteers into the group. Perhaps I could just renew my membership and become one of the many passive members. Unfortunately, that is not my style.

When I looked at the return on investment for my time and money, the marketing effort just did not make sense. You have to move your limited marketing resources into the 'highest and best use' category to realize a return. Since I track where my leads come from and the cost of those leads from the specific marketing effort, how could I have gone so long dumping time and money into a marketing dead-end?

My only explanation is that I was blinded by faith and passion for the organization. I insisted that eventually my efforts would pay off. When you are struggling for survival in your small business, you can't become emotionally attached to a particular marketing program or path. That was my failure.

I don't regret my involvement in the organization. There are no sour grapes and I would never disparage the group or its mission. You, just like I did, have to face reality that just because you love something, it does not necessarily make good business sense.

### Family Diversity

_Caution: bright spot ahead. I was fortunate to work with a same sex couple raising a child. I can't tell you how much I want to 'violently' advocate on their behalf when religious leaders and politicians talk derisively about same sex marriage. I have a wonderful son that would be just as unique and brilliant raised by Mom and Dad as by two Moms or Dads. Marketing people talk about staying away from the controversial, but I tend to embrace it. This post is just another attempt to define myself and what I believe in, if not secretly want, to anyone who will listen. I am not sure I can get much more open about my feelings than this. I even created a LGBT insurance page on my website. All of this was an attempt to remain relevant and to keep dream alive that I can connect and make a difference._

Posted on November 5, 2011

Two dads and a son.

I have been lucky enough to meet some amazing people and families in this last year. The diversity of people and their particular situations has only reinforced my belief that America fosters a specific spirit to blaze a unique lifestyle to achieve a person's highest potential. Central to a person achieving or moving toward their dreams and goals are supportive communities and families.

It has been truly inspiring to hear the stories of people who attribute their success directly to their church, community, non-profit association, family or a combination of all. Of course, when you read those words, you will immediately have your particular vision of what those support groups look like. I am no different.

The beauty of America is that there can be so many different groups supporting the needs of a population that embraces and celebrates diversity. All you have to do is go to Meetup.com, type in your area, and see a flood of groups meeting that support everything from Tai Chi for moms to small business networking.

As I am inclined to do, I often ruminated over our diversity and the social institutions created to support mainstream America. Government and private enterprise have realized that not all programs and products apply to non-traditional families. With the advent of some states approving gay marriage, the drop down box for the gender of the spouse does not automatically default to the opposite sex previously selected. I can now select the same sex for the spouse.

Two moms walking their son in the Marin Headlands.

Slowly but surely the recognition of same sex marriage is spreading through the minutiae in documents, applications and benefits. After all, marriage, as institutionalized by local and state governments, is a collection of legal contracts condensed into a signature and an "I do". Marriage is sort of like buying a happy meal at a fast food restaurant; a cheap price for a collection of individual items with a toy thrown in. To codify all the benefits that marriage confers into one or separate contracts would cost thousands of dollars, lots more signatures and no toy. Similarly, divorce, is a relatively easy, although often times painful, way of unwinding all the contracts bestowed by marriage.

There have been numerous studies, and certainly anecdotal evidence, that shows that when people are married they often live longer and are more productive. Marriage is an institution of support for two adults. It is one of our social institutions that help people to achieve all that they can be, contribute to society and develop a network to support children.

The goal of any community is to have as little dysfunction amongst its population as possible. When people can pursue their lives within the context of their 'self', there is lower poverty, unemployment, drug abuse, crime and domestic violence. It is imperative that we support institutions and organizations that support people and not marginalize them.

I am encouraged that Federal, state and local governments along with private enterprise are recognizing the diversity of our population and making changes to accommodate the diversity. For some people it is not fast enough and for others they want to turn back the clock. But you can't deny the love that two men or two women shower on their children. That love will make our communities stronger.

### Life is a Jar Full of Balloons

_The hardest part about therapy is trying to bring the therapist up to speed on your life and how you have come to thoughts of suicide. How do you do it in a 1 hour session once a week? This post was an attempt to condense what is going on in my brain. Chronologically, I have moved past defining myself into the area of justifying my potential actions. By the time I write this post I am in full blown suicidal mode. It is a feeble attempt to stealthily explain why some of our jars start to crush under the conditions of a vacuum or negative input._

Posted on  November 21, 2011

Different balloons pushing around, getting bigger or smaller, all filling the jar of life.

Over the last couple of weeks, through the twists and turns of business and family, I have been trying to visualize and express what equates to contentment in my life. Yes, it is a pretty big subject for a small brain like mine. But it has been really difficult to explain to people where my fears and happiness come from. After weeks of torture, I have come up with some metaphors for life contentment from the right and left side of the brain.

Popular culture has created a mythology around right and left brain people; lefties are more logical and righties more creative. Whether this is wholly true or not, I am not sure. But I know certain explanations have a greater resonance for me depending on my perspective. So here goes-

For right brain creative people I offer life as a jar full of balloons. The first law of the balloon jar theory is there can be no empty space, no vacuum. There will always be a balloon in the jar that expands or contracts to fill the space. The second law is that all the balloons can expand and contract. Finally, you can add or delete balloons as your life grows.

Each balloon represents a different part of your psyche and the jar represents the possibility of a full life. The biggest balloons are our need for food, shelter, and safety (ripped right out of Maslow's triangle). But there are other balloons in the jar as well such as the need to love, be loved, self-esteem, self-confidence, etc. There are also balloons that we want to keep deflated like fear, loathing, insecurity and hate.

When the balloons that keeps me happy start to deflate, by law, other balloons must inflate so there is no empty space in the jar. For instance, when I am not feeling very successful in my job the balloon of insecurity starts to inflate. Week in and week out, we all have balloons that are in motion, part of our emotions. If there is a vacuum in the jar because no balloons are inflating, we have serious problem, real depression sets it. The jar starts to collapse in on itself. Consequently, we are always looking for ways to keep the happy balloons inflated, which in turn keeps pressure on our 'un-happy' balloons to stay small or deflated.

The left brain logical approach entails a less creative mathematical function;

Life = ½(3x + 5y – 2z.......) Where the letters x, y, z,n represent different inputs (food, security, loathing, love, hate, etc.) in our life, similar to the balloons (ok, I made it look overly algebraic and complicated for fun).

The bottom line is that the result, Life, must be a positive number. Just like the balloons, the inputs can change day to day. It is imperative to keep the z from getting too big (remember we are subtracting it in the equation). If z gets too large, or any combination of negative variables, it overwhelms all the other inputs and you have a negative output, less than zero Life. Have you ever been there?

So where does this all go. I am not sure. It is a starting point to get your arms wrapped around your particular life situation. A couple times in the last several weeks I have had a vacuum in the jar or negative Life output. It is not fun. So I suppose the next time you see me, you can ask me how full are my balloons or if my Life function in yielding a positive result.

May you always have big happy balloons and a tiny little z's.

### Seeing Through Solids

_This was a last minute addition. My observation of seeing light, not through solids, was so brilliant, I had to include it. Additionally, there is always a private message to my public posts. In this post I want people to change their perception of me. See my problems from my perspective. Is that too much to ask? Perhaps if you see my life from my point of view, you won't try and shove Prozac down my throat and maybe you can just let me go._

Posted on December 24, 2011

As I drove my son to school he asked me, "If ice and glass are solids, why can we see through them?" That was a question that I had often pondered through several chemistry and science courses. However, the way my son either phrased the question or the way I heard it shifted my whole perspective. He made me look at the problem in a different way and develop an answer that had eluded me for years.

"We don't see through the ice or the glass." I said, "Their molecular structures allow white light waves to pass through them. We see the light that has passed through the solids. Similarly, white light does not pass through the human body. But X-rays do pass through our solid bodies and we can see the image on special film."

Okay, I have to admit I was pretty astonished at my own erudite answer. I have not picked up science book in 20 years, but there it was, a description that made sense to both my son and me. I know that answer had been residing in my brain for years. It took a question from a different angle to shift my perspective on how I addressed the problem. Intrinsically I knew we did not see through anything. So my answer had to clear up that misconception created by lazy phraseology.

I should not be too surprised at finally having the 'Aha!' moment derived from a change in perspective. Over the years I have actively tried to look at problems from different perspectives to find solutions. Often times I will put myself in someone else's shoes (another poor analogy) to see how they view the problem or issues. The largest benefit to this is the empathy you develop for someone else's fears.

The best example I might give is Medicare. Medicare beneficiaries are very nervous and frightened about changes to their benefits or the Medicare structure. From a person not on Medicare, purely looking at the economics of the huge Medicare program, changes have to be made to save the entitlement program from overwhelming the Federal government with expenses. There are a whole host of suggestions to reduce Medicare costs from decreasing Doctor and hospital reimbursement, reducing services, increasing age, and limiting benefits.

This past Annual Enrollment Period I had the opportunity to talk to scores of beneficiaries from a variety of backgrounds. The bottom line is that they are scared about significant changes to Medicare. Their vantage point is created from being on a fixed income, limited resources, no opportunity to go get a part time job, the very real possibility of the need for increased medical services as they get older and limited mobility to change doctors or clinics. I had never considered the challenges that Medicare beneficiaries faced until I talked to numerous people all expressing the same concerns.

While I still believe we need to create a more efficient Medicare system, I am much more cognizant of supporting change that does not threaten the beneficiaries. This might be a novel approach, instead of having doctors, hospitals and insurance companies tell us how to save Medicare, how about asking the beneficiaries?

Another area where I changed my perspective was on the marketing of my business. After trying to break through the solid wall of traditional insurance marketing (repetitive phone calls post cards, print advertising, search engine advertising) I have changed my perspective. Instead of trying to sell a product, I decided to sell me. The shift in my perspective was not initiated by me but the people I knew and helped. It was apparent that they enjoyed working with me, the product that they needed was secondary. Consequently, I have moved more into social media as way to connect with people and introduce myself.

Perception is reality. I can't change reality but I might be able to change my perspective that will in turn create a new perception. Once I have a new perception of the problem, more strategies and tools become available to create a solution. No longer do I need to see through the solid, I only have to see the light.

### Twitter: Clearestory

Finally, I submit a twitter feed. I created @Clearestory so I could document all the little things that went through my head during the day when I was thinking of suicide. The order is from most recent to oldest. The collection of tweets is over a six week period. Some days I would make multiple tweets.

Some of the tweets are replies to other people so part of the context may be missing. I changed the twitter handle of the folks I care about to @xyz, it represents several people, not just one.

Regardless of what you are facing, I would recommend starting an anonymous twitter account. Not to interact with people, but a way to review your thoughts and, of course, for posterity. It is my hope people will read this and have a better understanding of what could or might go through the brain of someone who is suicidal.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

There are times when I just want it all to fade away. But the only way to make disappear is for me to go away. #suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I so want to keep everyone happy. I never want to hurt anyone. #suicide is irrational yet strangely comforting.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz not to be argumentative, if I take the pill I will only be a happy failure, I have not fixed my poor decisions. Will consider

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Outside, I am Mr. Personality. I fear antidepressant would mute my effusive persona. No one wants to meet a zombie.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

If your solutions, other than suicide, don't fit into your family's realm of possibilities, they won't accept the solution, you're crazy.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Therapy has only intensified the feeling of depression. People think they are helping, but they are only tightening the knot. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

People want to solve my problems in the context of their world. Walk in my shoes and get a real perspective. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I love how everyone discounts your feelings and thinks they have the quick solution for you. Sorry idiots, this is not a TV sitcom #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

How do you sum up 20yrs of failure only to hear the therapist say, "Well, there are other jobs." Do I look that stupid? I've tried. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I wish I could tell these ppl what I really want to avoid suicide, but they don't want to hear it because it upsets their world. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

The depression is over having run out of rope or options. The suicide is the option. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I am so nice, I always want to make people happy to the point that I have made myself miserable. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

After therapy I am more depressed because ppl want to solve my problems. I know my problems and they're ppl who want to fix them. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

People don't realize that often times they are they cause of my depression. Please just go away. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

People assume because you are depressed or suicidal you are an idiot. Sorry, I am the smart one, get over yourself. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Well I fucked that up. Sent a bunch of tweets on the wrong handle, hope no one reads them.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz interesting post, I can function with depression, but am consumed with #Suicidal thoughts. The reverse of you. How queer.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

There are all these ppl and sites making money from suicide grief counseling, seems a little like cannibalism to me. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

In US corporations are treated as people, if it fails to make money, it closed down. Why can't I be seen as a corp? Put me out of my misery.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Had appt. w/therapist, he truly doesn't understand, you can't fix your life with a pill, you only prolong the misery. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I am a condemned man, I must die for my sins of failure in life. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

It started happening 2 years ago: crying as I realized my son was growing up and he did not know me. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Always depressed and cranky around relatives. I knew they would never accept me if they really knew me. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I keep trying to visualize hope and a new path, only to have reality get in the way. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz You're brave demeanor helped me tell my wife the truth about being attracted to men. I promise to lay down my life to protect LGBT.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz You have given me at least a couple more days. I am sorry for all the pain men bring into this world. I wish we were better.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I told my wife last night that I was attached to men and I wanted to shoot myself. She wants counseling for the suicidal thoughts. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Just because you change your life and are 'Happy', it still does not mean your life is worth living. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I have been shown why I should live, I am just not sure how to make it happen. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz you may have solved 'parts' of my problem. Are you on instagram or foursquare?

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz You are so sweet, I will follow the links. As you know a happy life is comprised of many happy parts. I just need a couple.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz 'My somedays are running out on me' But I would like to help ppl that can not help themselves or promote civil rights.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz 48, the right nonprofit could save my life, but I am not holding my breath.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz I volunteer my time, no business wants an old guy, just dreams of what might have been.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz nice profile pic/design. You have talent.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Hope, Life, Future. Job training, support, small business planning, my labor, anything to help ppl with sustainability.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Better to be outed a gay man than a #failure. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Complete honesty, yes, I am going broke, failure, and I would like to come out of the closet, more failure for family.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Specifically, the overall failure of my life. My dream was to be helping people, not asking for help. I luv ppl.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I can cope with today, but I can't cope with the ultimate failure known as my life. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz I sell, of all things, health and life insurance. There is a play in this absurdity. Please write it. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz my regret in life, never being able to visit UK. Tell everyone I send my regrets, hugs and kisses.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Society sucs. Most of the ppl are stupid. But my God and my gut tell me to love them. We are invisible to them, like angels.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Yes to lyric. No one knows I want to die unless I tell them. I am all radiant and smiles during business hours, ppl love me.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Thank you. "Your sweet talk made me love you, but Prozac helped make me stay."

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Telemarketer>How's your day? Me>Fine, should I point the pistol at my temple or my chin? No response. Thanks. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Why do I pin my hopes on people that I know can't really help me? Why? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

When I no longer want to sing my favorite songs in the car any more, like today, I know I am covered with depression. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I don't want to do anything helpful for thanksgiving like feeding the homeless. I've already given enough. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

How did I make such a mess out of my life? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Oh boy, someone sent me a link on coming out. Thanks, that's not the problem. Problem: I want to put a bullet in my head, get it? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I can't become homeless. I can't put my family in financial jeopardy. No options #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I just want to go to the ocean one last time. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

To those who offer to help, follow through. Suicidal people have sucking chest wounds that need real aid, not band aids. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I asked him to walk through my desert with me? I think he just wants to save people online. Another disappointment. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I don't want to hear or read how other people are so successful when my own results really suck. #failure #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

How long can you pine for the life you wanted for decades before the hope is completely crushed? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Every one has a spark of humanity and divinity in them. We are called to nurture our neighbors flame. Seems I #failed #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

My mission in life was to help people. Wish I could do that and make a living. #failure #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Shout out to Cat Stevens and Bobby Jo Valentine. Great music, too bad I identified with the despair more than the hope. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I sing out songs of sadness and despair in the car. Odd, my only little space of joy in a bleak existence. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I hope my son never believes my #failed decisions are hereditary. He is smarter than I ever will be. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Discernment: a choice between Seminary and Insurance, I chose insurance. Bad choice, another #failed decision. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Not sure if it is the repetition, but the guilt I have over leaving my family seems to be getting smaller, which makes it easier, #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I used to feel such joy at the new morning. Where has it gone? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

To clarify earlier tweet. My wife's letter said she could not live with out me. And I don't think I can live with me.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

What did I think about before #Suicide? It's like an endless loop of Muzak on suicide running through my brain. #stupid

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Sometimes I just say fuck it. Nothing is going to change and I will continue to be taunted by happy people enjoying life. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Rob, your presence is as helpful as painful. U have what I can't have: a loving relationship with another man. Do you understand? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Rob, I am sorry I spilled my mess on your door step. You did say you wanted to help. What are my options? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Rob, if you read this, you are great and I love you. You just don't understand what I am facing. Total financial collapse. #suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

There are lots of good people that want to talk me down off the ledge. But how does that stop the wrecking ball. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I was talked into turning the fire down on my mental state. OK, now that I have dialed it back, how does that change anything. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I missed my weekly referral group meeting. Received a message that I was missed. Can I explain I was having a mental meltdown. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I always felt I was a measurable quantity that people would buy. I am honest to a fault. Being honest now: #loser #failure #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

My heart has always told me which path to take and I have always ignored it. Now the roads are overgrown with brush. New road #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I want someone that will sing with me. Literally and figuratively. So much disappointment in life. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

If you have no hopes or dreams are you a person or a drone? No hope, no joy, no reason. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

If I make no changes, let the train wreck, I will be better off, right? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

If I stuff all my feelings way down low in my gut, I don't have to deal with them and all is OK, right? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

After talking with a friend, I might just try to shove all the issues back in the closet. #tickingtimebomb #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Recently had to leave Rainbow Chamber. Loved the people, but they never supported my business. Another great loss in my life. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I am considering publishing these tweets so people can understand the perspective of #suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I have been confronting people for their poor behavior in public. Not the best strategy for getting new clients. Nothing to lose. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Some people say I am on edge. I have no fear of telling people in public that there actions are wrong. Nothing to loose, #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I have seen death up close with my parents. Life always goes on for the living. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

My ability to advocate for pursuits of happiness: family, music, art, hiking, friendship, faith, has vanished. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I bought some teeth whitening strips, too much coffee. What in the hell am I thinking about: white teeth will bring me joy? #stupid #suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Not many people think that #Suicide is an economic decision. Our whole society revolves around money. You earn, therefore you are.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I have tried everything to avert my mind from crisis; hobbies, exercise, reading, writing. You can't hide from reality. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

The only peace I get is attending services at a tiny monastic community. Pretty sad when that is my only source of joy. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

A conversation gives me a glimmer of hope, but I realize it is only wishful thinking. Some realities you can't change. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

A friend reached out to me, but it only intensified to pain by showing me what I can't have. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I felt when I started my business that it would work if people could just know me and who I am. It has #failed I have failed #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I am pretty good at screwing things up, I can't even accept help from a friend. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Whenever I think of another life that would allow me to continue living, my gut is crushed with guilt. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

The letter from my wife said she could live without me. I am not sure I can live with me. #failure #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Ran into an old friend at Starbucks. 'How ya doin?' oh I am thinking of offing myself, how 'bout you? Conversation killer. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Guilt by association. I support the #trevorproject. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

To those I reached out to, I am sorry for the intrusion and burden, I know you have your own lives, may they be happy. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Odd, I am working with more ppl this past week then all of the summer months. The burst of activity is not lifting my spirits. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@tactical_me Did you read my tweets before you started following me moron? Let's use our guns to blow our brains out together.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I can't do drugs to keep the depression away. Not interested in being a functional Zombie. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz nice site, good blogs with video.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I want to read the Bible this morning, but I just don't have the energy, I can't make it through another round of deep depression. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Wow, someone noticed I did not attend the last chamber event. No shit, you never bought anything from me. F U chamber. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz in Harold and Maude, Harold sends a car flying off a cliff to beach below, like my motorcycle, maybe.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz It's about a young man faking suicide for attention, he falls in love with an older women who does commit suicide.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Smiles. Did you see the movie Harold and Maude?

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Yes, all I need is a hug, long and meaningful. But there is no one around that understands. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

My somedays are running out on me. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I studied international agricultural development. I am neither in ag, development or international. What a waste of life. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

On the freeway or in a room for of people, I am still alone. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz I do have a motorcycle and was wondering how it would be to fly. If you catch my drift.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Part limited income, part 'I don't care', part 'lusting over material goods sucks the life out of your soul'

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz I drive a 10 yo Honda.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Benz, Beamer, RR, Maserati, the shallow cars and people in my community I will not miss. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Just got my Brooks Brother bill. I think I will go out in one of their suits. I always want to look good, even in death. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

How do you explain to people that the pain you are feeling is greater than theirs. Stop wanting me to live to keep you happy. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Thank you

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Ppl don't like to hang out with me either. I have no friends. No pity, just truth.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz I have an autistic neighbor, beautiful boy. I have the same gay issue as you. I am not sure when the tears will end?

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz I am 48 with no options left. The looks are fading fast and the skills diminishing. No time left to start over, just easier to stop.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz it's harder because the opportunities and fun shrink. Those should be offset with stability. But we experience something different.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz with age you can see life more clearly, you know the outcome before the events are over. I don't like getting pulled or pushed around

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz I have made promises and there are expectations. To be homeless would be glorious. But the guilt would and has consumed me.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz I am reaching out one last time. But it is all very complicated on so many levels. I just don't have energy to keep it going.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz I respect your thoughts and feelings. I can not lend hollow words of support, 'It will be alright'. Ppl don't get it.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I will commit #Suicide or die trying. Could not resist the gallows humor. Finally I made myself smile today.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz My family is fragile. They are good ppl. The family would fall apart. I can't take the guilt of destroying the suburban dream.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Every decision I have made has turned to shit. I have no faith that the next decision will turn out better. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

If I tell my family my secret, the family is over with. I don't have money to live or support them. God I hate being a failure. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I am scared to death to run out of money, but I have no options left #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz I am still here.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@webmemorial Read my tweets you fucking dumbass company. Sure I'll pass your link on to my family before I blow my brains out. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I shouldn't need to read 'how to' websites to finish myself off. Right? I mean how hard is it to put a bullet in your head? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Crazy, just rcv'd invite to Jewish celebration called spirit and soul. maybe if I was Jewish I wouldn't think about offing myself. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

If Jesus sacrificed himself for his cause, is mine no less valiant? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@BobbieHillock70 Go to hell, spammer.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I hold no animus towards people or society. I tried. I failed, repeatedly. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I lost my fear of dying a long time ago. Does that mean my religious faith worked? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I wish I could make a living helping people, but the time clock has run out. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I used to have highs where I felt hopeful and positive. Now when I get a prospective client call, seems like more of a hassle. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

For better or worse, if anyone stumbles upon this twitter stream, they will know what goes through the mind of a suicidal failure. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Creating a stream of consciousness of thought re: #Suicide Some day the stream will end.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

25 years ago a boss gave me a pistol as a year end bonus. Bet he never thought I would use it like this. Thanks #NRA #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

So many good people have never been taught how to reach out, only go out to dinner and buy stuff. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I dislike, intensely, the heart ache I have and will bring to people. But they can't comprehend the pain I am in now. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Massive failure: I tried to find a spiritual home for my family and struck out. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Looked for so long for a community that values soul and spirit more than money, no luck. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

How do you handle that the monetary value of your life is nil, except for life insurance? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Fairly certain the sun will rise tomorrow, whether I am here or not. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I keep listening to the Cat Stevens song Trouble. "I have seen your eyes, and I am dressed in deaths disguise." #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I have always known the triggers of depression and how to avoid them. Now I have run out room, can't escape. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Why can't I get some sort of deadly disease that kills quickly. I am not afraid of pain anymore. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz if that is your pic. You are a beautiful woman that is deeply hurting in your soul. It's tough to be judged by your looks. Sorry.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I know my mental state is serious. I have lost interest in food and the thought of sex. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I have to be careful responding on Facebook. My comments are getting to negative and gloomy. Can't let ppl know I am depressed. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Our soul is not a manifestation of our appearance. Ppl will never know unless you tell them. But no one wants to hear my issues.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I used to be passionate about building my business. Now I look forward to making it go away. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Where has the hope gone? Why have I been abandoned? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

It can be hard to parse if a person is interested in who you are or only for what you can offer. So many disappointments. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Just sent a message asking if there was anyone I could talk to. Not sure if I will hear back from the person. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I am just not interested in the basics of life anymore. While I can laugh, and cry too much, the joy has gone. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I thought with a college degree I was always supposed to have a job, be happy and successful. What went wrong? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

It is odd to see your life melt into nothing in slow motion before your eyes. I never thought this would happen. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

The only thing that stops me from offing myself today is my son. But when I run completely out of money, that will change. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Every weekend I was working in the yard. Now I have no time or energy and no one cares. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I used to love my house. Now the meaning and symbolism are lost. I can go away now. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

When is this nightmare going to end? I am getting tired of pretending to be happy. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

It is tough to reach out to people you know really don't want to be bothered with your problems after 5pm. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

My inspiration used to come from my family. Now it is how long can I avoid putting a bullet in my head. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I am so tired of these fucking idiots posting inspirational quotes to FB or Twitter. How about, "get to work lard ass", #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

We all talk about standing up to hatred, but who ever does it? No one. Maybe me. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I have become defiant, militant to ignorant people. Perhaps death wish. Either way I have nothing to lose. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Will I be missed? For about a New York minute. I didn't represent money to other people, therefore I am useless. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I will volunteer my time again. No one will think of me. Why do I bother? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

When do I get to tell my story? Oh right, I forgot, no one gives a shit. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

It will bother my wife, but only because of the things I do around the house. She needs to find someone functional. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I think my son will be ok. He really only talks to me to boast. He'll do all right, really smart. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I want it the way my family wants it, no fuss/hassle. They really wouldn't want to have to clean any mess I made offing myself. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I have decided I will not off myself at the lake. Instead I will go to the ocean. Lake is too close to home. Disassociation #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

It's 5:52 am and I use to read the bible in the mornings. Don't see much reason anymore, it brings me no joy. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I am feeling pretty lonely. No family, no friends, no church, no clubs, there is really no one to talk to. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I just got in an argument with some asshole parked in the red zone. I don't need this shit #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@unsuicide Very nice web page, I can see that it may help many people, especially younger people. Bless you for maintaining the site.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@GayRightsTalk I fully support gay rights, marriage, equality, etc. But why are you following me?

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I am working at 7 pm, not sure why, there is no money in it or the people don't buy from. Spinning wheel and burning gas. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

It is no fun watching people check in at places on FB you would like to be, but can't go because you are not part of the club. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I can't go back working for someone and I am too broke to start another business. I am out of options. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@pinkoo03 who in the fuck are you. Don't you read my tweets, you dip shit.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

If I see one more soccer mom driving an Escalade SUV with Gucci glasses I am going to puke. Why did we move here? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

My son is way too smart not to go to college. I can't make enough money to help him pay for it alive. But in death I can. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Some would ask why now? Because my life insurance is getting close to term and I want to provide something for the family? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Plan for success: If I am a crappy shot, the ocean should finish the job. With no mess to clean up. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I have tried so many times to succeed. Always failure. And I thought I was the smartest son of bitch around. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Yuk, I dislike paperwork, but I have got to get it in order. Nothing worse then searching for documents. #consideration #suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

How can I tell a FB friend not to contact me because he only creates false hope? Been there, done that, it never works. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I bought the rounds today. Need to get to the range to make sure the 'gift' pistol still works. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I get called by a guy who barely knows me. But family and friends can't or won't take the time. Who really loves us? #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

If you are not the club, fill in the blank, you really can't get the time of day no matter how hard you try. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Standing at my appointed spot for 4 hours reminds me of how worthless I am. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I believe in the free market where consumers decide which services are deemed best. The market place has decided against me. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Where is the support from family and friends? I am always there, why not you. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Lots of people want to talk to me, but no one wants to help. #Suicide

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

I took care of my mom and dad in their dying days. My work is done.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

One failure I can take, multiple in different areas validates that I have little purpose for existence.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

@xyz Hi follower, may all be well with you.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Why do I feel a little bit lifted up, just because I have a purpose to prepare for the end? Odd, a final project to complete.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Preparing to write the final chapters. What would your last chapter look like?

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

It is my hope that I will leave everything in order with good directions.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

Too many failures for time and money to amend.

Clearestory Dylan Stevens

To my son, I am sorry.

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Is this your story? If so, you joined the club. Good luck getting out, but if you do, let me know how you did it.
