Good morning John,
today I'm going to tell you the story
my shirt's inside out.
Good morning John,
today I'm going to tell you
the story of my ridiculous dog.
My dog is named Lemon.
She is a bit of a...I'll put this delicately
a derp, for example
if she were a Pulitzer Prize winning novel she would be
"The Colour Derple."
If she were a sexually transmitted disease
she would be a herp-a-derpes simplex.
If she were a 19th century law man
she'd be Wyatt Derp.
If she were a large species of Sub-Saharan African mammal
she would be a herp-a-derp-a-pottamus.
Lemon loves to get into cars
but hates to be inside of cars.
She loves the little children's section of the playground.
She hates dog toys, if she ever hears a toy squeak
she will never go within five feet of it ever again.
Greyhound's in general have oddly shaped bodies,
which makes it hard for them to sit down
like normal dogs.
It also means it's har-, it's not comfortable to lay on their bellies,
so often times they lay on their backs.
We call this "The Roach."
She often sleeps with her eyes partially open
and, uh, twitches while she's doing this,
which, uh, makes her look like a freaky zombie dog.
The vocalizations of the Lemon
are somewhat varied.
She does bark, but only very rarely,
she much prefers to howl.
And her noises of patheticness are so
varied and nuanced
that she's earned the nickname "Lemonous Patheticus."
She's also afraid of the cat.
Lemon's second favourite thing is to run
because it, of course, is what she was bred to do.
Though she's getting a little older so she's not at her top speed anymore.
On the track, her top speed was about 34 miles per hour,
0.3 miles in less than thirty seconds.
In addition to "Lemonous Patheticus"
we also call her
Lemoncino, Lemoncello, Lemonpie
Liz Lemon.
That is, in fact, the reason why she is called Lemon.
Her track name was Tina Fey.
Interesting thing about Greyhounds,
unlike every other kind of dog
you can actually go onto a website, search for their name
and find out everything about them.
What their litter mates were named,
39 generations of previous sires,
brothers and sisters and half-brothers and half-sisters,
and every race they ever ran
and how they did.
It also shows you their ear tag numbers
which is totally strange to like see a number
on a website
and also tattooed on the inside of your dog's ear.
This one, on this ear
actually the five is the month she was born
and the four is the year she was born
so we know that she was born
in May, 2004.
Through this website we learned all kinds of fascinating things
like that all of Lemon's litter
was named after 2004 cast of Saturday Night Live
and that Will Ferrell, her brother
was the best, uh, racer of the litter
winning 20 of his 63 races
and that Lemon's dad
Craigy Whistler
sired over 5,000 racing dogs.
WHAT?
Of course, poor guy,
he wasn't actually there
for any of the conceptions.
Virgin births, every one a virgin birth.
Lemon is weary, or even afraid of
things that she hasn't experienced before
and when we first got her
pretty much everything was something that she hadn't experienced before.
Bicycles, rivers, breeds of dog that weren't greyhounds.
Her introduction to the Green household
was a very confusing time for her
but the one thing
that she took to immeadiately
was her third favourite thing, after food and running
and that's cuddling.
And she is just a cuddle bear
and we love her very much.
And if you are at all interested in getting a dog
you should check your local area
for, uh, greyhound adoption agencies.
There are lots that need homes.
My foot's asleep, my foot's asleep.
Agh
People who are asking about Project for Awesome
yes it's happening December 17th and 18th.
We should have the website up very soon.
But before then, you should be thinking of working on your videos for charitable causes.
This was a good example of one that might be a Project for Awesome video but in fact isn't.
John, I'll see you on Friday.
