Are we straight?
No, absolutely not.
Oh hey.
So today Kingsley is here.
Yes I am.
And we’re gonna tell you some stories.
One word at a time.
About someone you may or may not know.
Mamrie
had
a
big
titty
that
walked
off
her
patio
and
danced
with
the wolves
True story.
I’m just imagining like a giant breast just
I’m just imagining these written as sentences.
And what's wrong—you can’t imagine a giant breast
yeah
jumpin off a patio
dancing with wolves
Just one, not even a set.
Sickening.
It happens.
Miles
is
so
great
and
one
day
he
went
to
the
mall
and
took
a
dip
in
the
back
room
with
his
dick
out
If you didn’t know that about Miles
Miles I’m sorry we told your story like
you know in front of people but
It had to be told
You can’t keep your secrets with the plastics
No
Hart
got
taken
to
prison
for
gyrating
on
Barack
Yeah
Yeah that was the cliff notes
So you know do with that what you will
Our next victim is
Tyler
rode
a
giant
that’s what I wanted you to say
penis
that
gave
spectacular
joy
to
him
anus
to him anus
There’s a second part to that
In
Cambodia
Tyler
continued
to
take
his
gaping
nipple
which
Mamrie
sucked
politely
because
she
had
laryngitis
There—there’s like healing powers
in Tyler’s nipple
Can we go to the next one?
Yes
Grace
got
promoted
to
head
architect
at
the
brothel
palace
behind
a
Popeye’s
in
Beverly Hills
California
These are all researchable like you can look
that up
Yeah it’s on the Wikipedia
Right
Colleen
tracked
17
unlabeled
bears
from
the
village
That’s it, The Village in New York City,
that’s the end of that sentence
So
Miranda
showed
up
and
fucked
shit
up
Can you do your best Miranda impression?
STOP IT
WHY
BECAUSE IT’S PORN
IT’S FULL OF SIN
STOP I GOTTA GET MY LISTICK
WHAT
Okay
Okay we got a little too excited
Jenna
Marbles
took
a
massive
shit
with
her
dog
Marbles
who
is
ridiculous
and
has
a
big
ass
Kingsley
hit
the corner
of the ottoman
That’s an actual true story
Are you okay?
I’m totally fine thank you so much for checking
I appreciate it
Can someone call an ambulance?
sure
So that’s it, I hope you enjoyed those stories,
those 100% true stories
I don’t think they believe us that they’re
true but
They should believe us, I mean it’s gonna
be on the History Channel
Right
In like 20 years
right
cited us
That’s it
I enjoyed telling stories with you
That was fun
Yeah we should be like kindergarten teachers
I know
We should
We should actually write a children’s book
with all of those stories
Hell yeah
They’re totally suitable for children
Mother Goose
on that ass
I trapezoid you cuz hearts got too mainstream
and
I’ll see you in a couple days
Bye!
Peaces!
Being hydrated is so important
So sexy
You know you’re right?
Even sometimes when you’re dehydrated
Oh actually
OH that’s never sexy because then you have
diarrhea-r
RIght
most times
Thats true
diarrhea is never sexy
