I have been doing stand up since the last 3 years
And the problem is that our shows start late & they end late & we reach home late.
And there is a biometric attendance system installed in our building.
Its called - Rustom Kaka(uncle)
Rustom Kaka is convinced I am an alcoholic.
He has told everyone in the building about it.
It was ok till that point
These days, he has been sliding - "De-addiction centre" pamphlets through the door, every morning at 11:15 AM.
every morning
And I have a lot of free time.
The other day, I was ready at 11.
I opened the door, put soap solution outside & waited.
Rustom Kaka came at his usual time, tried to be sneaky, slipped & fell.
Now mind you, Rustom Kaka is 110 KGs.
The boom was heard till 10 kilometres away.
And I was ready. I opened the door. Asked him - "What just happened uncle?"
He said - "Son. Water".
I gave him a glass, he gulped it down.
IT WASN'T WATER(wink)
By now, the other neighbours came out - "Asked me what was that noise?"
I said - "Look at this. Rustom Kaka got drunk & fell, this early in the morning"
But don't judge him. He is trying to quit. I can see a "de-addiction centre" pamphlet in his hands.
Have you read the book - "Vyakti aani Valli" by Pu.La. Deshpande?
any one?
The charcters that he brought to life through his writing,
like Babdu ,Gampu. Haritatya, Pestan Kaka.
Now, even if Pestan Kaka & Rustom Kaka both belong to the Parsi Community, there is not even an iota of similarity between them
Rustom Kaka was a unique character.
He hated it when kids played.
Everytime he saw kids playing, he would yell at them.
"Go study. Your dad is not an industrialist. If you don't study, you will not get a job"
The kid said - "It was written in my book - ALL DAY WORK & NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY"
To which Rustom Kaka said - "Jack becomes a dull boy. You are Janardan. Go study"
Rustom Kaka was extremely quick witted.
And playing cricket was just not acceptable to Rustom Kaka.
If someone hit a ball & it went inside his house, he would cut the ball on a 'Vili'(a traditional Maharashtrian chopping board with an attached blade used for cutting food & scraping coconut),
and 2 pieces of the ball would come out
He was very committed to this.
. if someone threw 2 semicircles into the house, he would throw out 2 quarters.
And his wife, Shireen Aunty, could not bend & sit on the floor, due to arthritis.
So I think, they had the vili only to chop cricket balls.
Now if you guys are wondering, what is a vili doing at a Parsi couple's house
Rustom Kaka's grandfather was a money lender when the British ruled India
He had a lot of flats in Mumbai
Once, a tenant had failed to pay his rent
So along with his Pomeranian dog, Lily, Rustom Kaka also confiscated the rusted Vili.
A few years later, Lily met with the Vili & now, only the Vili was left.
Another of his peculiarities what that everytime he called us lovingly, it meant he had some work.
Otherwise he had the reputation of being a grumpy old man.
Son, go & get 6 eggs & a bread for me.
But uncle, what about the money?
Tell the shopkeeper, I will give money. Rustom Kaka is not dead yet.
Shopkeeper has put up a board - No credit will be given to those whose life is running on credit
Everyone had stopped lending money to Rustom Kaka. Hard times had fallen upon him.
But one day, Rustom Kaka struck Gold
Me & my friends, had pooled in money & were drinking Old Monk Rum on the terrace
Rustom Kaka, for no apparent reason, walked into the terrace
And it was a full moon night, so it was difficult to hide
Shantanu Kulkarni blended nicely with the Sintex Water Tank
For perhaps the only time in my life, I felt that I should have inherited my skin color from my father.
Now, out of fear that Rustom Kaka should not tell our parents about this, me & my friends, took turns to buy provisions for Rustom Kaka for the next many years.
A lot of years passed. Some went away for studies, some for work.
Maharashtrians left their houses & settled elsewhere.
Shireen Aunty passed away. I got married. My wife was expecting.
But Rustom Kaka did not go from my life.
And Rustom Kaka loved the society elevator more than he loved Shireen Aunty
Everytime someone new came to live in the building - He would warn them - "Heavy stuff will not be allowed to be taken up in the lift"
He once yelled at my wife - "Please don't take the fridge in the elevator"
My wife said - "Kaka, he is my husband"
Vision was failing him
Now I have a son. On a Sunday, he was playing cricket in the building, I was reading the newspaper in my balcony.
And suddenly, I heard a windowpane break.
Now, most people in the building, had earned enough money to replace window panes with sliding shutters.
Only Rustom Kaka had a window pane still left.
And me & my friends, came out on the balcony, for nostalgia
But there was no response
Minutes kept passing by. Now excitement had turned to worry.
In the next 1 minute, all of us gathered outside Rustom Kaka's house.
We rang the bell, there was still no response.
So our friend, Narya Pawar, who was the unanimous choice to play both Ganesha & Santa Claus
broke open the door that had thinned with age quite easily.
Rustom Kaka wasn't there in the living room.
He wasn't there in the kitchen
The bedroom door was slightly ajar
Fearing the worst, I pushed the door open.
There was Rustom Kaka, tying the lace of his pyjama.
"I go to the toilet for 5 minutes & you break open my door?Idiots! Non-sense"
