-Hi, everybody.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you so much
for watching.
It is Thursday, which basically
means it's Friday, really.
Right? So we made it through
another week.
I'm so happy to anyone that's
home and staying safe
and wearing the masks,
and to anyone who is suffering
with this awful pandemic,
I wish you a speedy,
speedy recovery.
I'm going to try to make you
laugh right now.
Here are some jokes.
Let's get to some news, guys.
As the coronavirus continues
to spread across the country,
a new poll finds that
if cases keep spiking,
65% of Americans support
returning to lockdown.
First off, what do you mean
returning to lockdown?
I haven't left.
My hair looks like a wig.
What...
You know your country's
doing well
when shutting everything down
is polling higher
than both
presidential candidates.
Yep, people support another
lockdown, especially after
they got 35 "save the dates"
for all the weddings
that got moved.
They're like...
"Ah, this lockdown,
I don't...
I'm happy for you guys."
76% of Americans over 55
support returning to lockdown.
They said they finally
figured out how to use Netflix
and they're not
stopping now.
Said, "Don't make me leave.
Really?"
By the way, my dad's watched
everything.
I think he thinks the one screen
is everything on Netflix.
So, I'm like, great.
So he does that.
He's done TVs, movies.
I haven't even told him
what search does.
-Don't.
-No, it's great.
He's happy.
That's right. The coronavirus
is affecting everyone,
even those close to
the president.
-Dozens of Secret Service agents
are being told to quarantine
after working at
President Trump's rally
in Tulsa, Oklahoma,
where a huge swath of people
did not wear masks.
-Seriously, you know
we're in crazy times
when the Secret Service
needs protection
from the president.
If you are worried about
Trump's safety, don't.
He's fine.
While the agents are
quarantined,
Trump will be guarded
by Eric and Don Jr.
using a pair of
SpongeBob walkie-talkies.
[ Imitates static ]
"Can you hear me?"
[ Imitates static ]
"Yeah. I'm right next to you."
[ Imitates static ]
"Okay."
Well, a lot of people are
blaming the Trump administration
for mishandling the virus.
But not everything has gone
wrong, right?
-A startling new report
out today
that more than 1 million
dead Americans got
those pandemic stimulus checks
totaling $1.4 billion.
-I pay dead people.
Even dead people were like,
Only 1,200 bucks
for three months?
Thanks, I guess."
That's a tough gaffe for Trump
in what otherwise has been
a flawless year.
Wouldn't you agree?
Yep, 1 million dead people
received checks.
Even people investing in Quibi
think that's a waste of money.
Trump was like,
"It will all be worth it
when they head to the polls
in November."
Actually, Trump was furious
about the mistake
and asked that all
the dead people immediately
send their checks back.
As if things weren't bad enough,
I read that
a bunch of hand sanitizers
were just recalled
for containing lethal toxins.
That's insane.
I've been using so much hand
sanitizer these days.
Anyways, one of these companies
just put out a new ad.
Check it out.
-For years, Cleansior
Hand Sanitizer has been
one of the most trusted names
in clean.
And now with the coronavirus
pandemic,
hand sanitizer is more
important than ever.
But maybe you heard that our
product contains toxic methanol.
Whoops.
Yeah, that's on us.
Luckily, you can continue to use
our hand sanitizer worry free,
with our new Cleansior
Hand Sanitizer Sanitizer.
Our Hand Sanitizer Sanitizer
is the first hand sanitizer
that sanitizes your
hand sanitized hands
to keep them
hand sanitizer free.
Simply use our hand sanitizer
as normal, keeping in mind
that exposure to methanol
can lead to nausea, vomiting,
blurred vision or death, then
wash away the hand sanitizer
with our sanitizer sanitizer
before your nervous system
totally shuts down.
Ha-ha! So easy.
It will almost be like
we didn't try to kill you
with something that's supposed
to keep you safe.
When you're done, just throw
both bottles
into a hazardous waste
container, burn it,
and then throw the ashes
in the ocean -- ta-da!
Cleansior Hand Sanitizer
Sanitizer.
Keep sanitizing until
all the sanitizer is sanitized!
-Just ordered it on Amazon.
[ Clears throat ]
Well, this is going viral down
in Palm Beach, Florida.
They held a town hall to talk
about a new mask mandate.
A lot of people showed up
to speak against it,
and what they said was pretty --
well, just watch.
-You literally cannot
mandate somebody
to wear a mask knowing that
that mask is killing people.
Every single one of you that are
obeying the devil's laws
are going to be arrested.
-Keep taking the road
of least resistance.
Keep listening to the TV
brainwashing you from birth.
-And they want
to throw God's
wonderful breathing system
out the door.
You are all turning your backs
on it.
-Doctor, I really have
many question marks
about your degrees and
what you really know.
And I would ask suggestively
that you go back to school
and get educated.
-Ma'am --
-If you think that's upsetting,
Trump just put them in charge
of the coronavirus
task force, so...
That's right. Not only
is the clip viral,
but so are the people.
That was like a dramatic reading
of your uncle's Facebook posts.
[ Laughing ]
This one I like.
This is the one.
Um...
[ Clears throat ]
Finally, city officials
were like,
"Are you here for
Bath Salts Anonymous?
Because that's down the hall.
[ Laughing ]
Bath Salts Anonymous,
come on.
That's not a real thing.
If you want to meet these people
in person, I should add
they'll be signing autographs
at a recently pulled down
5G tower.
[ Laughs ]
Afterward, Florida officials
were like,
"That was actually one of
our better meetings,
don't you think?"
Well, it's been a few days
since New York started
Phase 2 of reopening,
and people are excited
that outdoor dining
is allowed.
Yeah. Streets and sidewalks
are filled
with tables and chairs,
and people are already leaving
Yelp reviews
about their experiences.
Take a look.
This one says,
"The baked chicken was
very juicy.
Probably because someone's
window air conditioner
was dripping on it."
This next one says,
"Great service,
but it was hard to hear
the specials
over all the illegal fireworks."
This one says,
"It's always been my dream
to dine al fresco at
the Penn Station Hooters."
[ Laughs ]
Al fresco.
[ Laughing ]
[ Ding ]
This next one says,
"There was a hair in my food,
but it was mine
because I haven't gotten
a haircut since February!"
This next one says,
"A very short wait,
but the only thing on the menu
was leftover banana bread."
I get that.
Lastly, this one says,
"Risking my life was so worth
two Coors Lights
and a plate
of jalapeño poppers."
And finally, guys, there's a lot
of uncertainty about sports,
but there is one event
that is coming back.
-The 146th Kentucky Derby
will be held on September 5th,
and spectators will be allowed,
according to
the Churchill Downs Racetrack.
-For fans, it will be
the most exciting two minutes
in sports, followed by
the most boring two weeks
in quarantine.
In the midst of this
challenging year though,
I think it will be kind of fun
to watch a man
in a seersucker suit
throw up a mint julep,
don't you think?
Organizers say, though,
that they'll take
every safety precaution
before strapping
an 80-pound man
to a horse running
40 miles per hour.
Okay?
[ Chuckles ]
Wait, that doesn't sound --
I know.
It's not you, is it?
Let 'em do it.
Oh, here's the last one.
The good news is
the hats are big enough
that they automatically
make you social distance.
Ha-ha! There you go.
All right, everybody,
that is my monologue.
