

A MOMENT'S CHOICE

### A Reply 1994 Fanfiction

Copyright © 2014 Dimsumofallthings

All rights reserved.

ISBN: 150243962X

ISBN-13: 9781502439628

For all Ciders in every part of the world...

The ending you want is always but a few keystrokes away.

Never stop believing in a happily ever after.

Thank you for believing in mine.

# Disclaimer

This is a work of fan fiction using characters from the television drama, "Reply 1994", which is trademarked by Writer Lee Woo Jung and PD Shin Won Ho. Kim Jae Joon, Sung Na Jeong, and other original "Reply 1994" characters are created and owned by the writer and PD, and I do not claim any ownership over them or their world. The story I tell here about Joon and Na Jeong is my own invention, and it is not purported or believed to be part of Writer Lee's story canon. This story is solely for non-profit fan activity and in no way intends to infringe on copyrights held by TvN, CJEN and the original "Reply 1994" series.

All other characters are original creations, based only from my imagination. I do not claim to know people who have the same names as some of these characters, nor do I vouch for the personalities they portray in this story or their areas of expertise. Any and all similarities are purely coincidental.

In other words, I have a mortgage and six dogs. Please don't sue me.

# FOREWORD

In the backdrop of the Reply 1994, A Moment's Choice seeks to explore an alternative ending... What if Na Jeong picked Chilbong? What will happen then? As the clock strikes midnight turning 31st December 1999 to 1st January 2000, it changes both Na Jeong's and Chilbong's worlds forever. The choices made by both parties changed everything.

For Na Jeong, this journey for her is all about self-discovery. How she has grown from the girl who hung on to Oppa's word to the lady she becomes by the choices she makes. For Chilbong, it's a healing journey. Despite how perfect portrays himself to be to the rest of the world, he is flawed. He needs to face up to the vulnerabilities and insecurities that have been haunting him since childhood, especially when he loses the one thing that keeps him together. This is their journey as a couple, to show how the choices they make together make their relationship not only work, but thrive and succeed.

What makes A Moment's Choice interesting is that the story is told in the first person from both Na Jeong's and Chilbong's perspectives. Their thought processes vastly differ from one another on a single event or action. The dialogue is natural and flows smoothly and the characteristics and personalities of all characters mentioned remained true to the drama. The journey throughout the book tackles on common enough real world dilemmas and the choices of how they both handle it themselves.

However, readers do have to note that even though they are privy to both characters' perspectives at all times, Na Jeong or Chilbong do not always have that privilege. Please keep this in mind as it is easily forgotten further down in the book.

Overall, A Moment's Choice is a promising read from a writer who knows how to build up the emotions that are relatable to real life. The plots and scenes are wonderfully written with details that will pull you into the world that has been created. Be prepared to cry and laugh with the characters.

Editor

12th Sep 2014

# PREFACE

It had been in the midst or towards the end of the Reply 1994 mania that the shipping wars really began, and continued in earnest to the very last day of the drama. I hadn't been one who watched the drama from the beginning, choosing instead to start watching it just as it hit Episode 6. But even then, even when I considered myself merely a casual watcher, I knew which way my heart swayed when it came to the husband game. The arrow pointed directly, and only, Chilbong/Joon's way.

When canon ended up bursting my bubble (as well as a million others' as well), I had been so heartbroken I spent $300 in one day and ate about my weight in ramyun and chocolate. In all my life, I honestly could not believe that this was how the story had ended. All of us Cider shippers (as Chibong-Na Jeong supporters were called and known as) were left hurt and reeling. To say that we were also angry is an understatement. However, time passed, and soon we all distracted ourselves with the Chilbongie/Yoo Yeon Seok Fan Project instead. That project had been a big undertaking, and the first international fan collaboration for Yoo Yeon Seok, and keep us busy it did. It had been towards the end of the project that I was even told that there was a group chat dedicated to Yoo Yeon Seok.

What is this LINE chat? I thought, and when Junnie invited me to join, I was more than happy to accept. I was amazed to find a whole new world full of Yoo Yeon Seok supporters, where we could just talk not only about the drama and how it made us feel, but about our favourite character as well. I was surprised to learn that the people who supported Chilbong/Joon ranged in ages, in nationalities, and that his reach spanned all over Asia, Europe, Australia and the Americas. It was an eye-opener to be surrounded by knowledgeable and witty women, all of whom are unique all on their own, but who all together made up a pretty incredible whole. And the best part was that the chat line ran 24/7, with all of its members comprising different time zones. We all could drop in at any time and talk about anything and everything, but mainly Yoo Yeon Seok.

I believe it was during one of these late night chats that the idea came to write "A Moment's Choice". Believe it or not, it had started as a dare... To see if a Cider writer could write a mature story for Chilbong and Na Jeong. I took it and that's how AMC was born. Junnie (the same person who invited me to the chat line) offered to be my editor and that's how our partnership began, a partnership that has now transcended into friendship. We began plotting AMC at the end of January 2014, and the First Inning – modified into the Prologue for the book version, was released on February 13, 2014. It was released every Thursday or Friday (depending on the time zone) on the Soompi Fanfix Thread, Tumblr and WordPress, and continued its run until the Epilogue was released on June 19, 2014. To date it has been viewed more than 8,000 times on Soompi and its WordPress views exceed 17,000.

The goal of the AMC journey has always been one thing and one thing alone: to explore the possibility of what could have been had NYE 1999 ended in a different way. I wanted both characters to find themselves and their happy endings, and in a way that was functional and real. I wanted to deliver a story that was rooted in real life issues like identity and choice, as well as growing up and figuring out who you really are and learning to accept it, learning to embrace it, and letting that knowledge push you to become the best possible version of yourself. Romance at its fluffiest doesn't interest me when there is no realism to it. My life and relationship experiences in some ways have desensitized me to what people may call as angsty or saccharinely sweet. Flowers and champagne are all fine and well, but making a promise to love someone not only when the good is better than good, but moreover when the bad is the worst bad it could ever be? To me, in this stage of my life, THAT'S romantic.

We had many discussions on how we were going to approach this story, but we also knew we had to work within the confines of what the readers already know of Joon and Na Jeong's history, as well as the baggage they carried should they embark on a true, honest relationship. Our hope is that by the end of AMC that readers can rest with the knowledge that in this universe, Joon and Na Jeong are living happily and crazily in love, fully devoted to each other and completely cognizant of the choices they've made. We wanted to end up with two characters who were multi-dimensional and layered, who may be flawed but still deserve the best in life and of course, deserve each other. We wanted them to have a functional relationship, solidly founded on love, friendship, mutual respect and trust.

AMC was supposed to be the story of how Na Jeong fell in love with Joon, but ultimately it is Joon's story. That it was written to provide Joon with what he deserved (as opposed to what was portrayed in the drama) is a true testament of how much Chilbong was loved.

The AMC world is dynamic and its story moved quickly, juxtaposing humour and sadness, joy and sorrow in equal measures, just like in real life. None of us live completely happy or sad all the time, and we wanted Na Jeong and Joon's journey to reflect that paradox as well. The focus really was on celebrating and truly experiencing all of life's moments, both grand and mundane, embroiled in conflict or perfectly at peace, and realizing that every decision we make can make or break our fates. We can choose to live passively or take an active role in our destinies, just like Joon and Na Jeong did.

Most of what you read (places, restaurants, and people) were all based on things that exist in our world, and that had been intentional. I did this to lend a measure of credibility and credence in building the world that AMC existed in, and additionally, I wanted to ensure that you viewed our OTP (One True Pairing) as people who are relatable and who could actually exist. I wanted to ensure that their world remained so tangible so as to believe that Joon and Na Jeong are still living their lives even after this story ended, and even if we are no longer privy to it.

I wanted to write a story that would not only be relatable, but also applicable to all its readers at any given point in their lives. Though my core audience really were professional women in their mid-20's to early 30s, women who I considered my peers, I have always known that this story will appeal to anyone, man and woman alike, who had wanted a happy Cider ending. I do hope some of AMC's younger readers will read it again in ten years, because I do believe that experience and where you are in life will allow you to grasp some of the messages I had been trying to convey a little better.

If some of the chapters seem different, please remember that book version has been modified and scenes reformatted. There are also some deleted and extra scenes that were added specifically for the printed version. The AMC timeline is still the same in the book as the original, with past and present existing in the same plane, with flashbacks and memories fleshing out some of the emotionally heavy chapters.

We decided to call the chapters Innings, because really, when your hero is a baseball player, what other option was there? The songs that are in the soundtrack were songs that had inspired me as I wrote out the chapters. I hope you like them too.

Throughout AMC's run, Junnie and I have sacrificed many many hours and had countless sleepless nights plotting, negotiating, writing and editing this story. I think I even lost about ten pounds when I was writing it, so intent was I on writing that I forgot to eat most days. We managed to keep up with the live writing schedule despite the time zone difference, and despite the distance. Thinking back now, I wonder how we managed to live at all. It had seemed, for a while, that I was living, breathing and eating AMC. It had been an intense time, and I am not entirely sure I would ever go through that again. I had not done any creative writing in about fourteen years before writing this story, and once its sister stories are completed, I will again put down my pen. A Moment's Choice will be my first and only fanfic, since A New Beginning and A Leap of Faith are purely original stories.

Now that the story is said and done, I look at that period as such a special time. I met some amazing people, and to finally be in the presence of likeminded individuals, it felt like I finally found home, at least in my Kdrama watching world. I know for sure that I have made friendships that will last a lifetime. I look at AMC and it makes me happy knowing that Joon and Na Jeong had grown up into incredible, loving, well-rounded and self-realized people in this universe. The knowledge that I have helped other Cider hearts cope with the heartbreak of canon is priceless to me as well. It makes me proud to know that even now, every day, AMC still gets new followers. I hope that the story transcends even what it had been based on, because though the foundation is a Korean drama, the message applies to life and love, no matter what culture you belong to.

I would like to thank first and foremost, my editor and partner in crime, Junnie, for her patience and her dedication to this project. I am a pretty strong minded individual and I needed an editor that will keep me in check and argue her points right alongside me. Thank you for letting me rant and complain, and pushing me to meet deadlines and to keep writing, even when I wanted to give up.

I would like to thank Tess, who has been my voice of encouragement and reason throughout AMC's run, and Elena, who always provided unbiased constructive criticism. Without either one of you guys, I could never have written AMC the way I did. Your feedback and opinions always reassured me that I was going the right way, and you never led me astray. What we ended up with was a story that may not be as cookie cutter as some people would like, but one that is true to my belief system and to who the characters ultimately grew into.

I would like to thank Misa, for helping me with my graphic incompetence and providing artwork for the OSTl. I am so proud to have an amazingly talented dongsaeng in my team.

And of course, I would like to thank all the readers who have followed AMC throughout the five months it was released. Your reactions, your laughter, your tears... They all made the hard work worthwhile. Had it not been for your support and encouragement I would not have been able to find the strength to keep on going and see this story through to the end. Thank you for sharing in this journey with us. I will never forget any of you, though most of you are unknown to me. I love you all from the bottom of my Cider heart.

Dimsumofallthings

Raleigh, NC, USA

12th Sep 2014

GLOSSARY

abonim :: Father, formal to appa

ahjumma :: A middle-aged woman. Can be used for a close friend of the family, or a stranger.

ahjussi :: A middle-aged man, the counterpart to ahjumma

appa :: Dad, Daddy, informal to abonim

dongsaeng :: Meaning "younger sibling," can refer to a true blood sibling, or a close friend whom you treat as a younger sibling. While dongsaeng applies to both genders, its opposites are gender-specific (see hyung, oppa, and unni).

hyung :: "Older brother," used between males only. Can be used between blood brothers, or close friends.

hyungnim :: Formal version of hyung, used between men with a slightly formal relationship.

jagiya :: honey, sweetie, love, darling. Used between couples in a relationship to address each other. Normally used by younger couples (old generation does not use this phrase), and can be between unmarried or married couples. It can be addressed to both men and women. In Korea, the word literally means "Self" - so you are literally calling the other person as yourself. So that implies the other person is your self/your other half.

nae hyung :: brother in law

noona :: "Older sister" used by a male to a female. Again, can be used between blood siblings or merely people who are close friends.

omma :: Mom, Mommy, informal to omonim

omonim :: Mother, formal to omma

soju :: Korean liquor known for being strong and cheap. Comes in green bottles. Tastes like vodka. Usually around 40 proof (20% alcohol).

sunbae :: Means "senior" and is often used with the suffix "nim" which makes it polite.

unnie :: "Older sister," used between females only. (In recent years, some men have taken to calling women "unni," which is a slang appropriation of the term.)

yeobo :: The word used between spouses, similar to "honey" except that "yeobo" is only used between spouses.

Credit Source: Dramabeans, Urban Dictionary

A BRIEF NOTE ON KOREAN HONORIFICS AND HOW THEY ADDRESS EACH OTHER:

When you first meet someone in Korea, you add -ssi (씨) after their name. Example, Soo Hyun-ssi. Even if you're older than the person you meet, you should do this in the beginning because it's the polite way. When you get more familiar, you can replace the -ssi ending with ah/ya (아/야). This also works if you're the same age. Example, as Na Jeong and Joon are the same age and are good friends, they address each other by Na Jeong-ah, Joon-ah. The ending "ah" is added when the person's name ends with a consonant and "ya" when it ends with a vowel.

PROLOGUE

##  Sincheon Boarding House, Seoul

## December 31, 1999

## 11:25 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

I wondered if I made the right decision staying home tonight. Coming home from work, I stopped to pick up alcohol and snacks, convinced that Binggrae, Haitai, Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo would remember the plans we made four years before. I watched as they all left the house one by one, and realized that I would be ringing in the New Year by myself.

Looking out the window I saw that it had started to snow. Wrapping my arms around my chest I stepped out onto the deck. I gazed up at the sky and reflected on how much time has passed and how much of my life had changed, how much I have changed. I am not the same person that I used to be. I guess it's true what people say, that change happens so gradually you don't even realize it's happening until one day you wake up different. Having to make difficult decisions and sacrifices did that to me. The past is gone, and another year has passed. Everyone around me has continued along in their lives and it's time for me to do the same. It's a time for new beginnings and I made a silent vow to take care of myself better and listen to my own voice starting today.

After working abroad for two years, I was happy to be home. I've only been back two weeks and just now am settling into a routine. Being with my family and friends felt comforting; like a warm embrace after a long cold walk alone. It's almost as if no matter what changed in my life, Sincheon Boarding House stayed the same. Part of me can't believe that all the borders have coupled up. Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin were still together, Binggrae had Jin Yi, and even Haitai had Ae Jung. Out of all of us, I was the only one alone. Well, maybe not the only one.

Unbidden, I remembered that someone else had been present the night we promised to meet up for New Year's Eve. I need only to close my eyes to see his face and hear his voice again. It's been four years since I last saw him, and after all that has happened, I doubt that he would want to come back. Shaking my head, I snapped myself back to reality. I went back into the house and resigned myself to a night alone.

I sat down on the couch and looked at the snacks and drinks that I had placed on the floor. The clock read 11:45 p.m. I had just poured myself a drink when I heard a car pull up. I wondered briefly if everyone changed their minds and put my shot back down. Making my way out the deck doors, I had just reached the balcony rails when I saw a familiar looking figure walking up the path. Going back inside, I heard the door close softly. Crossing my arms in front of me, I was about to call out a greeting when I heard footsteps approaching. I waited for the tell-tale sound of someone climbing up the stairs, but all I heard was silence. There it was: hesitation. As soon as I registered that pause, I wondered if it could really be him. Waiting, I listened as the footsteps up the stairs resumed.

The last time I saw him was on a night not unlike tonight. It had been snowing then, too. An emotion I could not identify swept over me. Was it sadness? Regret? With a release of breath I acknowledged that maybe it was a combination of both. Sitting across the table from him four years ago, he watched me as I babbled on and on about trivial matters. I listened as he berated and mocked himself for liking me.

We sat in the restaurant for a long time watching the snow. I remember the way he put his cap on my head and how he awkwardly brushed the snow off my shoulders as we walked back to the boarding house in silence. I remember shaking his hand goodbye and what he said next.

"Na Jeong-ah, if at sometime in the future we meet again and you don't have anyone at your side, then let's date."

All the time I have known him, I had convinced myself that I only saw him as my friend. But that time, in the snow, with the warmth of his hand clasping mine, it felt like I was seeing him for the first time. I looked at his face, saw the resignation in his eyes, and wondered if I had made a mistake in giving my heart to someone else.

As he pulled his hand ever so gently, I found myself unwilling to let go. Just a little longer, I thought. Let me hold on, just a little longer. I wasn't sure why, but it felt like he had been saying goodbye.

It turned out that I was right. I haven't seen or spoken to him since that night. Since he left, I've had to listen to Haitai and Samcheonpo reading emails from him. I've had to hear my Appa and Omma worrying for his health and whether he's eating enough. I had watched as Japan and all of Korea fell in love with him. It never ceased to amaze me whenever I saw him on television that he had been someone I once had in my life. I was immensely proud of him, but I could not help feeling a pang in my heart when I heard news of him from the people around me. Still, I dared not speak of him, nor say his name. That being said though, not one day has gone by that I didn't think of him or missed him.

But, I had already made my choice. All my life I have only ever thought of being with one person. And that person loved me back. What other decision could I have made?

"You idiot," he had said, referring to himself. Looking back now I wondered if he was the fool, or if the fool had been me all along.

A creak snapped me out of my reverie. I turned around slowly, and saw his face, once as familiar to me as my own, looking back at me. His eyes focused on mine for a moment before he hesitantly looked away. Of course, he would be here. My lips curved into a smile, and he smiled back in response.

Chilbong was back. He was finally home.

We sat on the sofa together, consciously staying a few inches apart. Outside the snow continued to fall freely, and after staying in silence for a few minutes, Chilbong finally spoke.

"Where did the others go?" He asked, his voice deep and low, just as I remembered.

"Jongno," I replied. "They all went to Jongno since it's the day before the Millennium."

"Ah," he nodded in understanding then appeared as if he was looking for something else to talk about.

"You didn't forget about this," I commented.

"Yeah... I didn't forget. I remembered it for sure," he answered back teasingly, in dialect. For a second I saw a glimpse of the easy going Chilbong that I knew and I grinned.

"You're going to die." I hesitated for a moment and then said, "By the way, aren't you hungry? Shall we make some ramyun?"

He looked surprised for a moment until understanding dawned on his face. He started chuckling as I darted my eyes and nodded my head towards the direction of the kitchen. He took the hint and took off his coat as his long legs climbed back down the steps. I put a smoothing hand to my hair and straightened my sweater and my skirt. By the time he came back a few minutes later with a steaming pot of ramyun, I was already sitting on the floor. He sat down companionably on the floor and started serving the ramyun into bowls. I took an appreciative sniff from the pot and looked over at him to see his eyes studying me. Years melted away and it felt like neither one of us had ever left.

"Wow, what an honour to our family name. Getting to eat ramyun made by a Major Leaguer," I teased.

He laughed and handed me a bowl.

"Chilbong's ramyun is the best!" I said sincerely. "When you can no longer play baseball, go into the ramyun business. You'll earn a lot of money."

"Aigoo, just jinx it, why don't you," he replied back with a smile.

"What time is it now?" I asked with my mouth full, realizing that we may be close. "Isn't it New Year's yet?"

"Ah, it's close. 10 seconds left," he said staring at the clock on the wall. "7...6...5..."

As he counted down, a flash of memory came into my head. New Year's Eve. 1994. Samcheonpo. Chilbong stood in front of me after I had walked him to the bus station. I was sitting down on the bench as I peered up at him. I asked seriously why he would ride the bus from Seoul for six hours when he would only end up spending a few hours here.

"Do you really not know?" He had asked. "I like you. I know you like someone else but I thought I should say it before the year ended. I am not the type to endure a one sided love for two years."

He had rendered me speechless, and I had searched for an appropriate response. I felt my heart beating fast, but I was unable to say one word. His handsome face illuminated by the light, he looked at the clock behind me.

"7...6...5...4..." He started counting down, "3...2...1... Happy New Year."

Before I could respond, he leaned down and gently pressed a kiss on my lips. With his eyes closed, I felt his fingers graze the side of my neck, infusing me with their warmth. His lips felt soft against mine. It had been my first kiss and I had shared it with Chilbong.

As quickly as the memory came, it also went away. For a brief moment I wondered if he also remembered that scene from our past.

"...3...2...1... Happy New Year." He looked at me as he said it and I quickly covered my lips with my hand. His voice rich with bemusement, he laughingly said, "Yah, I wasn't going to do that."

I was embarrassed, in spite of myself, to admit that I had expected him to kiss me. When he did not, I realized that a part of me had wanted him to.

A couple of hours and a few drinks later, we were still talking and reminiscing about the 90's. I have missed speaking to Chilbong and laughing with him. He was a wonderful listener, and had a way of making whoever he's listening to feel important. Unwittingly, I found myself looking at him closely. The years have been good to him. I always found him physically appealing but he has a confidence now that made him even more so. He was definitely a handsome man. His face was the perfect culmination of soft lines and hard angles. His eyes still held the same good humour and mischief that I have always known. His nose sat perfectly in the middle of his face and his lips, always so quick to a smile, had a perfectly bowed top and a plump bottom. Lips made for kissing. A little confused at the turn of my thoughts, I gave myself a mental shake and wondered how much I have had to drink.

He asked me the last time I saw him if he made me uncomfortable. I answered that he did. I felt uncomfortable with the way he looked at me then, just like he was looking at me now. His eyes, which under normal circumstances appeared gentle and sweet, can burn with a focus and intensity that made me nervous. I was uncomfortable with the knowledge that there was something about Chilbong that got under my skin. He was my friend, but not the way Binggrae, Samcheonpo and Haitai were.

There had been a time when I thought he would just be a friend, until the day I persuaded him to massage me because of my herniated disc and our faces were inches apart. The way I reacted to his presence confirmed that would never happen. I saw Chilbong as a friend, but I also saw him as a man. That was the difference. I was always aware of him and I knew that he was someone who can sway my heart if I had allowed him to. The timing however, had not always been right. I had been in love with someone else, but there had always been a part of me that wondered how different things would have been had I chosen to be with Chilbong.

"Four years later and you still look exactly the same," he said with a smile. I did not notice that he was observing my face just as closely as I had been looking at his.

"Was that supposed to be a compliment?" I asked, curious. I picked up a bottle of soju to pour myself more.

"Of course. You have always been the most beautiful girl to me. You know that," he answered quickly.

"That's just the alcohol talking," I jokingly replied.

"I'm not drunk." He said it so softly I barely heard the words.

The soju I had been pouring sloshed to the rim of the glass. Surprised, I quickly glanced at him. Any self-deprecating remark died on my lips when my eyes met his. I could feel my cheeks turn pink and I bit my lips nervously. Apprehensive now, I tucked my hair behind my ears and fiddled with my earring. I must be tipsier than I originally thought because I now feel out of breath and just a little dizzy. I quickly downed my shot of soju and poured another one for him.

His eyes still locked with mine, he cleared his throat and quickly drank the liquor. I watched, entranced as he swallowed it in one go. My heart was pounding so loudly I wondered if he could hear it too. It seemed, however, that I was the only one affected. I should have known better than to drink so much. I thought I was still sober... I felt fine just a few minutes ago, but what is this? I was afraid to even so much as breathe. It was as if every one of my nerve endings were charged and any movement can spark me into a million pieces. If he came any closer I was afraid of what I might do.

Staring at his lips I wondered if he now had someone in his heart. Not for the first time in my life, I was curious as to how it would be to be with Chilbong. The question hovered on the tip of my tongue and I debated as to whether I should ask. I took a deep breath and prepared myself for his answer.

"Chilbong-ah..." "Na Jeong-ah..." We both said in unison. "You go first," he quickly added.

"No it's okay, you tell me first."

"Ahhh..." He hesitated. "I'm a little tired. I think I'll be going to bed first," he said. "Do you need help cleaning up?"

I shook my head no. Tamping down my disappointment, I managed a small smile and bid him good night. I watched in silence as he stood up and made his way down the stairs. As I looked at his retreating back, I felt an urgency wash over me. I have never been a timid woman and I knew that if I didn't ask now, I would never ask. Bolstered by curiosity and no doubt by the alcohol in my system, I quickly stood up and spoke.

"Chilbong-ah. Do you, perhaps, have a girlfriend?"

He stopped on the stairs and turned around. He looked taken aback by my question.

"No," he answered.

"Does your offer still stand then?" Even I was surprised by my own boldness. I took two steps towards him.

"Offer?" He asked, looking momentarily confused.

"Yes. You offered to date me if we met again and I had no one by my side. I didn't give you an answer then, but I want to reply now."

I saw him clench his jaw and harden his gaze. Looking at me directly he said, "What can I do then? I am no longer that same boy. You already made it clear once that it will never be me. I have to..."

I could not allow him to finish his sentence. Fear and insecurity made me a very brave person. Or was it the alcohol fuelling my courage? Either way, he says he's not the same person, but neither am I. I quickly interrupted him with the only thing I can think of.

"Let's date."

## Chilbong

Falling in love with Sung Na Jeong had both been a blessing and a curse. I never planned on falling in love or dating while I was in university. I had a goal: make it to the professional league. Once that goal has been achieved, then I can focus on meeting someone and perhaps having a relationship.

Growing up in a broken home, I was used to being alone. That's how I lived most of my life, even on the baseball field. I was part of a team, but I still stood alone. I didn't think that there had been anything missing in my life until Na Jeong came into it.

Imagine this: You go through your life seeing everything in black and white. But then you see a butterfly, and you don't know what to do because it looks different and acts differently from you. Everything the butterfly touched became colourful. You let it fly around because that's what butterflies do, until one day you realize that your whole world was now covered in greens, blues, reds and colours you have never even imagined. You can't believe you've ever lived not knowing your world could be like that. Na Jeong did that for me.

For the first time in my life, I felt more passionate for something else besides baseball. I found her fascinating, interesting and beautiful. I thought her honesty, outspokenness and intelligence were charming. I saw how dedicated she was to her family and friends and it made me crave to be part of her world. She never treated me with deference. To her, I was just Chilbong. Not the baseball star, but the person. She brought into my life the warmth that it had been missing, but along with that, she also brought something else: my first heartbreak, for she was, and had already been in love with someone else.

I approached my one sided love the way I approached everything in my life. I believed that if I just held on and sincerely tried to show her my heart that I would succeed in winning hers. I was wrong. It had both been a painful and humbling experience. Even as I sent her off and said goodbye that snowy night four years ago, my stubborn heart still clung to some hope that she will change her mind and choose me instead.

I remember the day Haitai called and told me she was engaged. It should not have come as a surprise, but the news still hit me like a ton of bricks all the same. All the hope that had carried me through my pain flew out the window. I went out that night and drowned my sorrows in alcohol, baseball practice be damned. It had seemed the only right thing to do at the time, despite my manager's advice. I ended up paying the price for one night of recklessness. For the first time since I started playing baseball, I did not pitch well at all during the game the next day. I realized then that I had to make a choice. Either I let my broken heart ruin my life or I can use it to finally move on.

I chose the latter. After that I made every effort to go out with my teammates and socialize. I even dated someone for a few months, until she realized I had no plans to stay in Japan permanently.

Falling in love and getting my heart broken for the first time had taught me to not only think of the one I love but to protect my heart as well. I am not perfect, but I am a good man and a good person. Surely I deserved a woman who will treasure my heart as much as I treasured hers.

A year later I thought I was over it. I convinced myself I was fine. Until one day, Haitai told me that Na Jeong and Jung Gook were no longer engaged. I should have felt elated by the news, but all I could think about was Na Jeong and how she must have been feeling. I thought about going to Australia to make sure she was okay, then decided against it. I also thought of calling her but what would I say? Too much time has passed. I made every excuse not to speak to her whenever I called the boarding house for years. I don't even know if she still considered me a friend. I doubted that she would want me around during this difficult time.

I thought for sure that I would be okay living the rest of my life not having her in it. Even as I boarded the plane to Korea earlier I had no plans of going back to Sincheon Boarding House tonight. I had called Dong Joon on my way to my apartment when he mentioned that they had all gone out. Immediately I thought of Na Jeong. I worried that she might be lonely spending tonight alone. I decided quickly to not let that happen and told Jung Jin Hyung to turn around and take me to the boarding house instead.

As I walked up the path to the house, I honestly did not know what to expect. For all I knew, she might not have even been home. Even as I made my way up the stairs I questioned whether I did the right thing coming here tonight.

Then I saw her. My heart felt so full I thought it might burst. How could she still look so beautiful after all this time? When she smiled at me, I felt like I was brought back to life.

The awkwardness that I worried would be present was not there. Instead, we spoke like friends who have not seen each other for a long time. We laughed like we used to and it was as if nothing had changed.

She still spoke to me directly, looking straight into my eyes. But the glances she kept throwing towards my direction were unexpected and confusing. Once I even caught her looking at my lips. I did not know what to make of the situation. I dared not hope that she could possibly be interested in me. We have already been through that, and she had made it clear that she only saw me as a friend. My one sided love had crashed and burned, and I was lucky to have made it out alive.

I made a conscious decision to keep the conversation light and casual. I made sure we didn't veer off topic. Even as we reminisced, I avoided bringing up memories that just involved the two of us. I didn't ask any personal questions, deducing that if she wanted to share that information, she would initiate that conversation instead. Truthfully, I was happy just listening to her voice and all she had to say.

"Four years later, and you still look exactly the same," I said with a smile. And she did. Her hazel eyes still shone with excitement when she spoke, her face as expressive as I remembered.

"Was that supposed to be a compliment?" She asked. She started capping another bottle of soju and I watched, fascinated by her hands. Hands that I once longed to hold with every cell in my body.

"Of course. You have always been the most beautiful girl to me. You know that." The answer rolled off my lips before I could even stop it. Sometimes I embarrass my own self. I did not mean to say that. As I was mentally berating myself I heard her voice.

"That's just the alcohol talking."

"I'm not drunk." I muttered, more to myself than to her.

In an instant, the air became laden with tension. I tried to avoid meeting her eyes, but the silence that followed left me with no choice but to look at her face. My words seemed to have stolen her very breath. I took in the blush that now covered her cheeks and her eyes watching me intently. I cleared my throat and drank the shot she just poured for me. From the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of her, still looking at me as I swallowed. As I put the glass down, she continued to watch me with an unreadable look on her face.

I tried to keep my expression even, but I felt lightheaded. I had to clasp my hands together to keep them from visibly shaking. She looked so pretty sitting across from me, an expectant look on her face. I saw her tongue dart out to wet her upper lip and my thoughts went into overdrive. I remembered how soft her lips are. The two kisses we shared have burned their softness into my memory.

There is something different about tonight and I struggled to pinpoint what it was. Feeling my heart racing I wondered whether I had one drink too many. I still had lucid thoughts and I am pretty sure I can still walk in a straight line, so I doubted that it was the alcohol making me feel this way. Then I silently admitted that trying to deny that Na Jeong still had the same effect on me as she did from years ago is futile.

To my surprise, Na Jeong also seemed affected. I have never before seen her looking at me with such an expression. On another woman I would have concluded that said woman wanted to be kissed. But Na Jeong is not every other woman.

For a moment I wondered if she'd had too much to drink. Then I remembered that Na Jeong had a quirky habit of winking and biting people when she was intoxicated, and I dismissed that thought.

She looked pensive as she held my gaze for a few minutes. My gut instinct is telling me to get closer to her. But I knew that if I did, nothing would stop me from kissing her. Unsure that I was willing to go down that slippery slope, I did the only thing I could. I bolted.

"Na Jeong-ah..." "Chilbong-ah..." we said simultaneously.

"You go first," I said.

"No it's okay, you tell me first," she responded.

"Ahhh... I'm a little tired from today, so I think I'll go to bed first," I answered. Distractedly I asked, "Do you need help cleaning up?"

Was that a flash of disappointment I saw in her eyes? The expression left so quickly I assumed I was only seeing what I wanted to see. She shook her head no and bid me good night. I stood up and started making my way down the stairs.

"Chilbong-ah," I heard her say behind me. "Do you, perhaps, have a girlfriend?"

I turned around and looked at her. The colour deepened on her cheeks, and she looked uncharacteristically shy and vulnerable.

"No," I responded.

"Does your offer still stand then?" She asked. I watched warily as she took two steps towards me.

"Offer?" I was still processing why she needed to know if I had a girlfriend when I heard her speak again.

"Yes. You offered to date me if we met again, and I had no one by my side. I didn't give you an answer then, but I want to reply now."

I clenched my jaw and tried to wipe any expression from my eyes. I had already had my heart broken by her once, and I had learned my lesson. Meeting her gaze, I said, "What can I do then? I am no longer that same boy. You already made it clear once that it will never be me. I have to..."

"Let's date."

Trying to stay as calm as possible I could do nothing else but look at her as she stood only a few feet from me waiting for my answer. Though she confidently spoke, her demeanour implied that she was anything but. Had I been the same person from years ago, I would have rejoiced and jumped at this opportunity. Alas, time has made me older, wiser and more hesitant.

As I struggled to find the words to say, she walked towards me with confident strides and a determined look on her face. She stopped inches away from me and looked into my eyes.

"Na Jeong-ah..."

"I'm drunk and I don't know what I'm doing. So don't use this against me later, okay?"

Before I could ask her what she was doing, she had thrown her arms around me, taken my cap off and pressed her lips to mine. All at once I was surrounded by Na Jeong. I can feel the softness of her lips, their pressure insistent. I could see her eyes shut tight, even as my eyes flitted closed. I can smell her all around me, a scent that no matter where I went I could never forget.

The kiss ended as quickly as it started. She opened her eyes and looked everywhere but at me.

"I'm sorry. I'm drunk and I don't know what came over me. Forget I asked..." She took two steps back away from me. "Uhh, yeah you can have this back," she said handing me my cap back.

"Is that right?" I asked. I took one step up the stairs and another towards her. My eyes never leaving hers, I tossed my cap to the floor and kept walking closer as she retreated at the same time. Soon her back was against Binggrae's door and I stood over her. "You want me to forget what just happened? I don't think I can do that. I'm not the Chilbong that I used to be and you need to think very carefully about what you just asked of me. Unlike you, I'm not drunk and I do know exactly what I'm doing. I'm going to count to three and if you don't leave in that time, I'm going to kiss you again."

We were standing so close to each other I can see the pulse beating on her neck. Adrenaline coursed through my veins, and I struggled to regain my composure. Part of me hoped that she would go as far away from me as possible while another part of me wished she would stay. Looking at her face so close to mine, it felt like I was dreaming. If this is a dream, I thought, let me stay in it for a little while longer.

Keeping my eyes fastened on hers, I placed my hands on either side of her face and braced the wall for support. She stayed looking at me, her chin defiant, a stubborn gleam in her eyes. Sung Na Jeong, you're playing with fire, I thought. After all the years of loving her and the pain I've had to endure, I felt backed into a corner. A man can only be pushed so hard until he pushes right back.

## Na Jeong

When I opened my eyes I saw Chilbong's face over me. Suddenly self-conscious, I avoided his gaze.

Omona, what have I done? What exactly have I done? I've gone crazy, that's what I've done. Why won't my heart stop beating erratically? This is Chilbong. My friend Chilbong. I should have resisted whatever impulse caused me to kiss him. At the time it seemed the right thing to do. But now... Now...

"I'm sorry. I'm drunk and I don't know what came over me. Forget I asked..." I blurted. Drunk? I'm lying now! I'm tipsy but nowhere near drunk. I have always been a good drinker, and it would have taken more than the two bottles of soju we shared to get me to start doing things like kissing people. Why is he still looking at me? Oh God, this is too much. Why am I still holding his cap? "Uhh, yeah you can have this back," I said awkwardly. Feeling the need to flee the situation, I took two steps back.

"Is that right?" He finally said. Is that right? Is that right! That's MY phrase, though I'm not really in any position to be getting mad. I just took advantage of him!

I finally met his gaze. I was still thinking of what to say next when he took a step towards me. I saw him fling his cap to the floor as he kept coming towards me. I kept backing away from him until I felt my shoulders collide against Binggrae's door.

Unable to read his expression, I wondered if I should apologize. I think I definitely need to apologize. Chilbong put both his hands on the door behind me, on either side of my face. My knees felt close to buckling. Standing over me, with his lips inches from mine, I heard him say, "You want me to forget what just happened? I don't think I can do that. I'm not the Chilbong that I used to be and you need to think very carefully about what you just asked of me. Unlike you, I'm not drunk and I do know exactly what I'm doing. I'm going to count to three and if you don't leave in that time, I'm going to kiss you again."

I don't know how he made a threat sound like a promise. I should be scared, but I felt empowered. I looked at him then, chin up, a challenge in my eyes. In all the years I have known Chilbong I have never seen him lose control. There is a small part of me that is curious to see what happens if he does. WHAT is wrong with me? I should run when he starts counting. I'm going to run.

"1..."

Was his voice always this husky? I silently thought. Focus, Na Jeong. Focus.

"2..."

Omo, he smells so good. Eye to eye with his collarbone I can smell him perfectly. It made me want to nuzzle his neck. What number are we at? I still have one second. I WILL run.

"3."

My legs were frozen in place. I can't go. I don't want to go. I'll think about the consequences later.

All thoughts flew out of my head as he leaned down towards me. Unlike the chaste kiss I gave him, this kiss was intense. Glorious. My eyes closed as I felt my whole body come to life. I felt the warmth emanating from his body and I wiggled towards him to get closer. His kiss was insistent and hard. I felt one of his hands on my neck, his touch like the fluttering of a bird's wing. I felt his other hand on the small of my back, strong, pulling me closer and closer still.

When I felt his tongue coax my lips open I almost sighed. This kiss was not of persuasion, but possession. He tasted of soju, winter and pure male. When I hesitantly touched my tongue to his, I felt a shudder go through him. Our breaths mingled together as he kissed me deeper. His hands held me in place, but I couldn't have moved even if I wanted to, which I didn't. I felt him nip on my lower lip gently and I sucked on his tongue in response. I felt his sharp intake of breath as I wrapped my arms around his neck. I savoured the feel of his heart beating against mine, and I wanted to kiss him forever.

When he pulled away, I almost cried in protest. I opened my eyes slowly and saw him looking at me. He looked as out of breath as I felt. It's a good thing he was still supporting me or I would have fallen down. Neither of us spoke, almost afraid to break the spell. His eyes were focused, and his lips still gleamed with moisture from our kiss. Instinctively I placed my fingers to my lips. My lips felt bruised and tender. I still have his taste in my mouth.

"Na Jeong-ah, I..."

Before he can finish his sentence, I took my hand from my lips and signalled him to stop. I looked him in the eyes and shook my head. He smiled at me, leaned down and pressed his forehead to mine.

"You need to stop interrupting me," he said with a chuckle. "I was going to say I'm sorry but I won't be apologizing for kissing you."

"Is that right?" I said in response.

He looked at me blankly for one second then burst out laughing. Next thing I knew, I was laughing too.

## One hour later

##  Chilbong

I've been tossing and turning for the better part of the last hour. I had hoped that I would be calm and content by now. Instead, I feel restless. I am almost hesitant to sleep because I'm afraid that this was just a dream. In the light of day, would Na Jeong still see me differently, or will I go back to being just her friend?

I guess I will just have to wait and see. Knowing that there is no use worrying about things I can't control, I decided to enjoy this moment for as long as I could. I closed my eyes and Sung Na Jeong filled my thoughts. Moments later, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

## Two hours later

## Na Jeong

What other secrets has Chilbong been hiding? I wondered as I lay in bed. I knew he said he'd kiss me, but I didn't think he'd kiss me like that. I suppose that's one more thing he can add to his list of talents.

I turned over in bed, hugged my pillow and leaned my head onto my arm. When the night started, I could never have predicted it would end this way. I was fully prepared to start the New Year alone, like I did last year. In a surprising turn of events, I found myself in Chilbong's arms.

For the first time in a long time, I felt free. I guess maybe it's true that good things come to those who wait. I felt hope bloom in my chest and my face hurt from smiling for hours. I turned over on my back again and saw my puppy toy sitting on my bed facing me. I promise I'm not crazy, but I could swear that he was smiling at me too.

As I drifted off to sleep holding my puppy close, I realized belatedly that Chilbong never gave me an answer.

# FIRST INNING

##  January 1, 2000

##  Sincheon Boarding House, Seoul

## 8:58 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

The sun was shining brightly through my window. Opening my right eye I checked my clock to see what time it was. 8:58 am. I can take my time getting up as today is still a holiday. I stretched languidly on the bed and was just about to fall back asleep when suddenly, a montage of last night's events flashed through my consciousness. I remembered Chilbong coming home, eating ramyun and drinking soju. I remembered laughing and talking to him. My alarm clock buzzed and I was reaching over to turn it off when I saw my stuffed puppy smirking at me.

"Yah, stop looking at me like that," I said to it accusingly.

Closing my eyes, I tried to fall back asleep. It was then that I remembered walking over to Chilbong and giving him a kiss. Mortified, I quickly covered my face in my hands. As I struggled to get my emotions back in control, images of us kissing by Binggrae's door reared itself into my thoughts. My eyes snapped open, and I sat up on the bed. And still the puppy sat smirking. "I said to stop looking at me like THAT!"

I was reaching over to grab the toy to give it a piece of my mind when I landed on the floor with a loud thud. "Aishhhhh..." Muttering a curse under my breath, I heard my door open.

"Na Jeong-ah, are you okay?" Omma stood over me holding a spatula. Just as I was about to reply, Appa, Haitai, Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin and Binggrae all came into my room.

"Why are you all here?" I asked.

"We heard a loud noise from the kitchen. What are you doing on the floor?" Appa said. "It's 9 in the morning and everyone's awake but you. Get up and get some breakfast! Are you going to stay in bed all day?"

"I got it, I'm getting up." I stood up gingerly, rubbing my back. It was then that I spotted someone standing in my doorway taking in all the commotion. Chilbong. He's dressed like he had just come back from outside. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were bright, as if he's been awake for a while.

Omma was making her way towards the door when she saw him. Her mouth opened in shock before she erupted in a cry of joy. "Chilbong-ah!"

At this everyone turned around and Appa walked towards him. "Chilbong? My very own star pitcher? What's a major leaguer doing in our house? But, is your shoulder okay?"

Our eyes met for one brief second and I looked away. I caught Yoon Jin look at Chilbong, then at me, and felt a flush creep up my neck. Everyone had ushered him out the door towards the kitchen before I could hear his response to my father's question. As they left I caught my reflection in the mirror.

Not believing my eyes, I surveyed myself more closely. My hair, impeccably styled last night, formed a frizzy halo around my face. I had a crease on one cheek from my pillow, I'm wearing my oldest pyjamas and... Is that drool on the corner of my mouth? I stepped back from the mirror, horrified. This will not do... I was the image of a cool woman last night and the first time he saw me this morning I looked like this? I opened my closet, rummaged out a clean pair of clothing and made my way to the bathroom.

"Sung Na Jeong, don't make me drag you out of bed!" I heard Appa scream.

"I'm just going to wash up and I'll be right there!" I yelled back as I was closing my door, almost running into Appa who was standing on the other side.

"Gashina, who do you think you're screaming at right now? It's Chilbong's first day back and we're waiting for you to take our breakfast together!" he said in a stern voice.

"Appa, if you stopped screaming at me and let me go to the bathroom I would be done by now!" I ducked behind his arm and entered the bathroom.

"Aishh... Is Chilbong his kid or am I?" I silently seethed. "And it's not his first day back. He came back last night! What's the big deal anyway?"

I quickly washed my face and was drying it when a thought occurred to me. Is he going to remind me what happened last night? Brushing my teeth I wondered if he even remembers that anything happened. Unsure of that answer, I tried to recall whether he too had drunk a lot. What if he says something in front of everyone? I pondered this while changing my clothes. Shaking my head, I am convinced that Chilbong is too much of a nice guy to do that. But then again, what did he say?

"I'm not the guy that I used to be," he had declared.

"What? What does that even mean?" I muttered as memories of him sucking my lips swiftly came back. "Omo, is he a player now?"

Getting increasingly agitated, I imagined Chilbong surrounded by women chanting, "Chilbong-ah, we love you! Date us!"

I felt my fists clench at my side. Was he just playing around with me last night? Chilbong, you're a dead man, I thought. With a shaky hand I patted my hair down. Binggrae's voice interrupted my ramblings.

"Na Jeong-ah are you almost done? I need to use the toilet!" Binggrae said.

"Yes, sorry." I said sheepishly while opening the door. I rushed back to my room and dropped off my dirty clothes before walking in the kitchen.

Omma is known for cooking large meals, but taking in the veritable feast on the table, I concluded that she managed to outdo herself today. There were fresh fried fish, noodles, at least five vegetable sides, cabbage kimchi, radish kimchi, and grilled beef. I sat down on the empty chair beside Omma, picking up my chopsticks as I thought about what to eat first. Chilbong, who brought the dakgalbi to the table, reclaimed his seat to my right. Offering my parents a serving, he put his hand on the table, unknowingly touching the edge of mine.

All of a sudden my whole body felt warm and my throat felt parched. I drank my water until my cup was empty. Feeling Chilbong's gaze directed at me, I avoided his eyes by focusing on his hand instead, the one that was almostkindof touching my hand. How can such strong hands feel so gentle touching me? I was about to daydream when Appa's voice brought me back to reality.

"Wow, Chilbong-ah, I'm so happy you're back!" Appa looked at Chilbong with a disgustingly loving look in his eyes. "We watched you on television getting interviewed in Japan. Yah, that reporter was pretty! Do all Japanese women look like that? I hope you dated a little when you were there!" Omma nudged Appa with a glare and he smiled at her.

"Yes, Coach-nim, there were some beautiful women in Japan, but none that looked as pretty as Omonim," he replied. Turning towards Omma, he added, "Omonim, I hope I didn't trouble you coming home unannounced."

"Well," Omma said, smiling at Chilbong, "We were just going to have some fish and rice, but today's a special occasion! I feel like one of my sons have come home from the army!" Looking at the moony way Appa and Omma were gazing at him I am even more convinced he's become a lothario. He certainly knows how to charm men and women.

Japan? Beautiful women? That's it, I decided. I hate Japan. Not feeling much of an appetite, I pushed my food around on my bowl. I had just taken a big spoonful of rice when I heard Haitai's voice.

"Na Jeong-ah, did something happen?" He asked, and I lifted my eyes to his. "You're not eating, you look flushed and your lips kind of look weird."

I started coughing as I heard his comment, choking on my rice. Covering my mouth, I felt Chilbong patting my back. I waved his hand away and spoke to Haitai.

"What? I'm fine," I answered, my voice sounding defensive, even to my ears. "My face is fine and my lips are fine. What do you mean weird?"

Haitai paused before responding, as if thinking of the right thing to say. "I just meant that your lips look kind of ... Swollen. And with your flushed cheeks, it could be an allergic reaction or something. I knew someone before who got stung by an insect and their lips swelled up so badly they couldn't eat for days. You should get checked out by a doctor if it doesn't get better."

I glared at him and gave him a swift kick under the table. He mouthed "what" at me as I stood up to get some more water. Standing by the sink, I felt someone behind me. The way my body reacted told me it was Chilbong. He casually placed his hand on my shoulder as he reached over me to get a cup for himself. All at once I felt prickles of awareness where his touch had been. Then just as casually, he walked off and went back to his seat without speaking to me. What's with that? He's really become a player.

"But Chilbong-ah, when did you get back? I didn't see you this morning when I got up" I heard Samcheonpo ask.

"Ahh, I came back late last night," Chilbong responded as I sat down. "I ran for two hours this morning. It's off season but can't really slow down with my training."

"So you and Na Jeong were together last night then?" Samcheonpo asked as he took another serving of the noodles. "She didn't go with us to Jongno. What did you guys do?"

At the implication I felt my face flush even more. "If by together you mean that we were in this house then yes, okay, we were together!" I answered vehemently, addressing him and everyone at the same time. "I don't know why you're all so nosy this morning anyways! You don't hear me grilling you about where you were, who you were with and what you were doing!"

Everyone around me looked on with a curious stare. Yoon Jin kept blinking at me, as if wondering if I'd gone insane. I refused to meet her eyes and carried on eating.

"We talked, ate ramyun and went to bed." Chilbong calmly said beside me. Changing the topic, he turned to Omma, "Omonim, how did you know radish kimchi was my favourite?"

"Binggrae mentioned it to me before when I was trying to figure out what to send you in Japan," Omma replied. "He said you love your mother's radish kimchi, so I already made some to send to you. But now you're home so I don't have to. Eat a lot!"

"Oh that reminds me, wait a minute..." Chilbong stood up, went to his room and came back with two boxes. "Omonim, this is a chocolate cake. Please have it. I remembered it was your favourite."

I was about to tell him to stop sucking up but then I saw him smile at Omma. Seeing her reaction to his thoughtfulness, I felt myself soften towards him. Even if he was a player, I can't deny that he makes Omma feel loved.

"Coach-nim, this is yours." He presented my father with a liquor bottle.

"Twenty-one?" He asked, unimpressed.

Chilbong held up three fingers and replied, "Thirty."

Appa broke out into a wide smile and started kissing the bottle as Chilbong went back to his seat and resumed his meal. Omma happily stood up and put her cake in the refrigerator. Chilbong sure knows how to make my parents happy. I suppose that's something to be commended.

"Joon-ah, do your parents know you're back yet?" Binggrae asked as he sat down next to Chilbong's chair.

Ah thank God. Binggrae, the voice of reason, is back. I can finally eat in peace. I shoved some beef into my mouth as Chilbong responded, his voice attractively low this morning. What is wrong with me? Not knowing the answer I was taking a big bite of kimchi when Binggrae turned his attention to Yoon Jin.

"Yah, Yoon Jin-ah, did you drop this last night?" Binggrae said. Uninterested, I helped myself to some fish.

"No, I don't have earrings like that," Yoon Jin said, putting whatever he handed her back on the table.

Spoon halfway to my mouth, I looked over at the object in question. Surely, it can't possibly be... As calmly as possible, I put my spoon back down and resisted the urge to scream. Maybe no one else will know it's mine? There are two other women in this house and maybe Omma won't recognize it.

"No, that's Na Jeong's." Omma said, looking at the earring and then back towards me. "Remember how your aunt sent you that for your birthday? Oh! You're wearing the other one on your ear now."

"Did she? Am I? I must have forgotten." I quickly grabbed it, took off the other earring and put them in my pocket. "I must have dropped it on my way over just now."

"That's not it," Binggrae replied, shaking his head. "I found this right under my doorway before you woke up." He turned to look at Yoon Jin and continued, "That's why I thought it was yours, Yoon Jin-ah, because you and Samcheonpo went into my room before we left." He looked at me and asked, "Na Jeong-ah, did you come to my room for something?"

When I looked up, everyone but Chilbong was waiting for my answer. Before I can say anything, unwanted images again flashed through my mind. Chilbong's hands on the wall... His hand on my neck... His lips devouring mine... Feeling embarrassed and not a little out of control, I finally lost my temper.

"WHAT? DID YOU THINK I WAS DOING SOMETHING BAD AT YOUR DOOR OR SOMETHING? I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHY EVERYONE IS INTERROGATING ME. EXCUSE ME, I AM A GROWN WOMAN AND I LIVE HERE. IF I WANTED TO KI... DROP SOMETHING AT YOUR DOOR, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO!" I stood up and yelled at a stricken Binggrae. Looking all around the table I realized that everyone had gone slack jawed. Next to me Chilbong started coughing violently. Good. Finally a response.

"Na Jeong-ah... Of course you can drop anything anywhere you want. Or don't want. I was just asking," Binggrae said quietly.

I felt sorry immediately. Miserably, I sat back down and wondered if I had really lost my mind. Is it too late to go back to Australia?

"Na Jeong-ah," Chilbong finally spoke to me for the first time. "Is everything okay? You seem a little on edge."

"Maybe you are getting sick or something. You're not acting like yourself," Appa said, eyes narrowed.

"Will everyone please get off my case already?" I said through clenched teeth.

At that, everyone resumed eating. Thankfully, no one else asked any more questions. In fact, no one even dared look at me. Except Yoon Jin. I caught her concerned look but turned my eyes away.

The rest of the meal was eaten in silence.

After breakfast I went back to my room. Feeling a little out of sorts, I tried to calm myself down. When I started the day, I thought I'd gone crazy. Well, at least now I know that I'm not wrong. After this morning's debacle, I'm pretty sure I can find, oh, well, at least seven people who will agree with me.

This is the reason that I very rarely lie. The universe has a way of making you pay. On the upside, it couldn't have gone in any way worse than it did. So from now on, it can only get better, right?

What did I do wrong anyway?

You lied to him, a small voice in my head said.

He's the one who kissed me!

After you kissed him first.

He intimidated and challenged me!

With kisses?

I hated it!

Liar!

"Aren't you on my side?" I burst out.

"Na Jeong-ah, are you in there?" I heard Yoon Jin say from outside my door. When I didn't respond she said, "I just heard your voice. Can I come in?"

I ran to the door and opened it. She quickly grabbed my arm, sat me down on the edge of my bed and looked at me, hands on her hips.

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi, what happened last night?" She asked.

"Nothing," I answered.

"So... You mean to tell me that you were like that this morning because nothing happened."

"What was I like?"

"One word: psycho. And you kept zoning in and out of the conversation. Almost smiling one second and mad the next. When I asked Samcheonpo to check on you just now, he shot it down because he was too scared to come in! Now what IS wrong?"

I am finding it hard to say the words to Yoon Jin. Humiliated, I stuffed my face into my pillow and said, "Chilbong and I kissed."

"I think I can just about make out what you said," she replied, taking the pillow off my face. "You and Chilbong kissed?" I nodded.

Yoon Jin just looked at me. "It's not like you have never been kissed before so what's the problem?" That was not the reaction I was expecting.

"Well... IkindofliedandtoldhimIwasdrunkandkissedhimfirst." Again I covered my face.

"WHAT?" Yoon Jin practically yelled. "Why would you even need to lie to kiss Chilbong? It was New Year's. You could have kissed him without explaining yourself. What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't thinking. It was a spur of the moment thing. I got caught up in the memories!"

"What else?" She asked, narrowing her eyes at me. "You're not telling me everything."

"I may have asked him to date me. I think," I admitted. "But that was only because I saw him walking away from me and I felt like if I didn't I would die!" Well that was a bit dramatic.

"What are you going to do now?" Yoon Jin asked, sitting down next to me.

"Nothing. He didn't answer me. So yeah, we will just forget it. Yes, we WILL forget it." I waved my hand dismissively. "See? Forgotten already. I am perfectly fine with the way things are. Chilbong and I..." I was interrupted by Chilbong's voice.

"Coach-nim, Omonim, I'll be back tomorrow!"

With Yoon Jin still watching, I ran to my balcony and saw Chilbong heading out. Omo, is he leaving? He can't leave! Feeling panicked, I ran out of my room to catch him before he leaves. I was almost out of the house before I realized I had forgotten my coat.

"CHILBONG!!! WAIT A MINUTE!" I screamed as I grabbed my coat from its peg and ran out the door. Once I stepped outside I looked around and he was nowhere to be found. Following the path that led to the street I spotted him not too far from me. Running towards him, I was almost breathless when I finally caught up to him.

"Yah, Chilbong-ah..." I started, grabbing his arm. He turned around and looked at me, surprised. He took his earphones off as he perused me up and down.

"Na Jeong-ah..." I saw him take in my slightly dishevelled appearance. I followed his eyes to my feet and realized that I was still wearing slippers. Grimacing inwardly, I took a deep breath and spoke.

"Chilbong-ah, is there anything I need to apologize for?" I asked. "I was drunk last night and I don't really remember, but if I did anything, I'm sorry."

He looked at me with an unreadable expression and said, "Nothing happened. So there is nothing to apologize for."

"So nothing happened? Really?" I responded, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Yeah. Nothing happened." He took off his gloves and put his hands in his pockets. Giving his gloves to me, he continued. "Go back inside. You're going to freeze out here."

Brows furrowed I turned on my heels and started walking back to the house. However my feet seemed to have a mind of their own and I found myself marching back to where Chilbong stood waiting for the bus. He looked at me questioningly and I felt annoyance overcome me.

"Are you sure nothing happened? Because I'm remembering things and it's freaking me out!" I insisted.

"Na Jeong-ah, tell it to me straight. What exactly do you think happened?"

"Like I said, I don't remember exactly. But I seem to recall... You... Me... Kiss..." My voice went softer as I spoke until I was practically whispering the last word. "You kissed me last night! You don't remember?" The sudden thought that he might have deemed our kiss forgettable made me indignant and I struggled to keep my temper from flaring.

"Hypothetically speaking, IF I kissed you last night, why are YOU apologizing?"

"I think I kissed you first." I met his eyes directly. "I was drunk," I added lamely.

"You were drunk?" He looked at me quizzically. "You weren't winking at me. And you definitely weren't biting. Are you certain you were drunk?" There was a light of amusement behind his eyes. I'm convinced he's laughing at me. The dam finally broke. "Fine I wasn't drunk!" I crossed my arms in front of me. "I panicked! So I pretended to be drunk! So what? Let me tell you something... I remember EVERYTHING and I just realized YOU should be apologizing to ME! Also, were you ever going to bring this up? Or were you just going to let me make a fool of myself?"

Looking around him to make sure no one was watching, he leaned towards me until our faces were almost touching. "Na Jeong-ah, don't get yourself all worked up," he said in a low voice. "If you remember everything, then you probably also remember that you insisted you were not yourself and asked me not to use it against you. I did as you asked. And I will never apologize for anything I'm not sorry for. I'm not sorry for kissing you."

I tried to form some sort of response but my heart latched onto his last line. Dazed, I just nodded in response. Understood. His lips were this close to mine. From this angle I realized that if I just moved my face one inch I can probably kiss him again. Biting his lip, he didn't change his position. I noted the proximity between us and my body started humming. How is it possible that one kiss had changed our whole dynamic? I was still pondering this thought when I heard the bus approaching.

"Do... Do... Do you remember what I asked before you kissed me?" Seeing that he was about to protest, I amended my question, "Ah... I meant... I meant before the kissing started. Do you want to date me?"

The bus came to a stop. Chilbong took one step onto the bus before he turned and gave me a reply.

"We'll see."

I watched as he made his way to his seat and sat down. The bus rolled away before I even had time to process his response. I put Chilbong's gloves on as I walked back to the house. They were still warm from his hands. I couldn't contain the fluttering in my heart thinking that my hands are where his hands were.

When I went back to my room, Yoon Jin was still where I left her. She raised an eyebrow at me but didn't ask any questions. I smiled at her and sat down.

"Yah, chinggu-ya, I'm cool right? Did you see how I ran over to Chilbong and confronted him?" I put my hand over my heart and said smugly, "Wow, Sung Na Jeong-ssi, you're an impressive woman."

"Did you tell him that you weren't drunk?" Yoon Jin asked.

"Of course I did. I also demanded an apology!" When Yoon Jin looked down, I said, "Yah... It's okay. I wasn't too hard on him, so don't think I hurt Chilbong's feelings."

When she lifted her face, I saw that she was shaking her head at me. "Na Jeong-ah..." She clucked her tongue at me a few times. "Did you eat something bad in Australia or something? You just practically admitted to the man that you were making up excuses to kiss him. Aigoo, I thought you were a cool woman!"

"Yoon Jin-ah, I didn't!" Thinking back on the conversation, I am not entirely sure I didn't not admit that, but I would just about say anything to erase the look of abject disappointment on Yoon Jin's face.

"Well at least you didn't ask him to date you again."

I think I might have? At my silence, Yoon Jin inferred that I must have done exactly that. Still shaking her head, she stood up and made her way to the door. Before she left the room she took one more look at me with pity in her eyes.

Cringing at myself, I laid back down on my bed and wondered how it could be that my life has been flipped upside down while Chilbong was still so collected. It used to be that I could read him by just looking at his face. Now it feels like I am dealing with a completely different man. I'm not sure if that makes me happy, but I can't help but wonder what he's thinking. Maybe he doesn't want to date me... But then again he didn't say he didn't. Maybe he doesn't like me anymore? But he didn't say that either. My inner monologue was interrupted by Omma's voice.

"Na Jeong-ah! You have a phone call!"

## January 2, 2000

## 5:30 p.m.

##  Chilbong

Chuckling to myself, I thought of Sung Na Jeong as I drove to Wonju. My high school hyungs are playing a game and I have been invited. Thinking that I probably needed time away from the boarding house, I agreed to watch them play. The two hour drive gave me time to think and reflect on the goings on in the last two days.

I woke up at 6 am yesterday with a smile on my face. With barely three hours of sleep I paced back and forth and waited for the sound of Na Jeong's door opening. During that hour of waiting, I had to stop myself multiple times from knocking at her door. Not wanting to appear over eager I decided to go for a jog instead. I had so much energy that my intended hour jog turned into two.

Arriving back at the boarding house I noticed that no one was around. Tiptoeing my way to her room, I was surprised to see everyone gathered there. I had planned on speaking to her first before anyone saw me, but that possibility went out the window with everyone congregated around her. I didn't even have the chance to say good morning before I was ushered away.

Being back at the boarding house is the closest I have ever felt to being a part of a family. The way Na Jeong's parents treat me makes me feel valuable and loved. Samcheonpo, Haitai and Yoon Jin are like the siblings I never had. And Binggrae is my closest cousin... He and I have always had a special relationship since young. I knew that no matter the circumstances, he will always have my back. I loved all of them, but at that moment I REALLY wanted to speak to Na Jeong alone. I wanted to dispel any feelings of awkwardness between us before they even surfaced.

Before breakfast, Haitai went to my room and gave me my cap. He didn't say anything, just that he found it on the stairs but it was enough to bring back memories of Na Jeong pressed up against me with her lips on mine. Feeling a little shaken, I was unsure of how to proceed with her at breakfast. But when I saw her swagger her way into the kitchen, I felt the need to rattle her a little bit. I can't help it. Na Jeong looks adorable when frazzled and befuddled. And so I kept quiet, directing conversation with everyone but her. When I accidentally touched her hand, I had to place mine firmly on the table to keep it from grabbing hers. When I saw her getting more water, I dropped my then empty cup onto the floor to make an excuse to get a clean one from the kitchen. Finding an excuse to touch her, I reached for the farthest cup on the shelf so I can place my hand on her shoulder for balance.

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that I would be the reason for Sung Na Jeong's mental breakdown. At the breakfast table. With everyone watching. She has always had a bad temper but during that morning, she tore apart anyone who even asked her a question. I almost choked at her reaction to Binggrae asking her about her earring. I thought she was going to grab him and shake him as she was yelling. I made a mental note to buy Binggrae something extra special for his birthday this year.

It's not that I'm sadistic and enjoy seeing her in obvious distress. It's just that in all the years I have known Na Jeong, this was the very first time I have seen her completely unravelled. Not even when she was pursuing Sunbae did I see her this out of control.

Giving myself a mental shake, I remembered walking out the house with my headphones on. It then surprised me when she showed up at the bus stop. Hair mussed from the wind, cheeks pink from the cold, it took everything in me not to grab her and hold her close. I had to put my hands in my pockets just to ward off temptation. It didn't surprise me that she was still insisting she had been drunk. When she knew she wasn't. And I knew she wasn't. And I'm pretty sure she knew that I knew she wasn't. But Sung Na Jeong is nothing if not stubborn and I had a feeling she was going to stick to her story until the end. Looking endearingly flustered, she said the word kiss like we had done something illegal and asked me again if I wanted to date her.

I heard someone say once that 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result every time.' I am far from being insane, so the new me will approach this thing with Na Jeong with a different strategy. Throw her a curveball when she's expecting a fastball.

What am I to her? Am I a spur of the moment decision? Am I her rebound? Not liking the direction of my thoughts, I was relieved to see that I've arrived at my destination.

As I exited the car I saw a familiar face in the parking lot. "Jang Hoon Hyung! Long-time no see!" I called out.

"Joon-ah!" He greeted me warmly with a hug. "I heard you were back from Japan. Did Sang Min call you too?"

"Yeah," I responded, looking around. "Where is he anyway? Are they in the locker room already? "

"No, that's their bus pulling up now."

I followed his gaze to the Daejeon Hyundai Gullivers' bus coming to a stop. I watched as one by one the players started filing out. Sang Min Hyung came into view, and he waved as soon as he saw me.

"Joon-ah, I'll talk to you after the game!" I heard him say.

"Okay, Hyung!" I responded, a smile forming on my face. "Fighting!"

I followed as the other spectators went into the stadium. While waiting for the game to start I noticed a few familiar faces in the crowd from our university days. Being here brings back memories of Na Jeong and her devotion to Lee Sang Min. Sitting on the bleachers, I had to hold back a laugh remembering how I had called the hyungs with the hopes that Na Jeong may speak to Sang Min Hyung and she clammed up and hid. I was still shaking my head when I looked up and saw the players entering the basketball court. Then a familiar voice rang in my ears.

"OPPAAAAAA! NA JEONG IS HERE! GULLIVERS! GULLIVERS! OPPA! SANG MIN OPPA!"

For a moment I wondered if I thought of Na Jeong so much that I am now hallucinating her voice. But when I followed Sang Min Hyung's gaze to where the commotion was coming from, and sure enough there she was: Sung Na Jeong.

This game just became more interesting, I thought to myself.

Throughout the first quarter I alternated between watching the game and watching her. Her ever changing expressions amused me to no end. She was magnificent. She showed so much passion I couldn't help but be captivated. How could that voice come out of someone so little? Her intensity was astounding, and just a little bit scary.

In the middle of the second quarter an overly vocal fan of the opposing team started insulting Lee Sang Min. I watched with concern as Na Jeong stood up and started screaming with more fervour. I worried that she might get herself into an altercation and I might have to intervene. When I heard her voice crack on one of her screaming rants, I decided that enough was enough. I knew what I had to do.

By the time the halftime was done, I had already changed seats. Before she could even begin her relentless cheering I tapped her on the arm and handed her a loudspeaker that I had borrowed. She muttered thanks without even looking at me. I handed her a bottled water while the players were on timeout. Still, she didn't acknowledge me. There had been a time when I would have killed to get her to cheer for me this way. Alas, Na Jeong is very loyal and she only had one idol.

When the game ended she handed me back the loudspeaker and finally looked at me. I feigned a frown and saw her beautiful eyes widen in shock as her mouth formed into a cute little "o". She gave me a sheepish smile as she said, "Bong-ah! What are you doing here?"

##  Na Jeong

Ahhh I've missed this. Being in a basketball court, watching Sang Min Oppa play... It takes me back to some good memories. As soon as I saw him step onto the court it was as if a switch turned on and I was just Na Jeong the fan girl. Free from the repercussions and responsibilities of adulthood.

My throat was hurting by the time the third quarter began. There were some especially loud fans here tonight for the home team. Don't worry Oppa! I will cheer you on! I was so focused on the game that I didn't even bother looking at my Samaritan when they handed me a loudspeaker. I was nudged and a water bottle came my way. My fan girlfriends really are the best. We take good care of each other.

After the game I turned to my right and handed the loudspeaker back to my friend when I saw Chilbong looking at me with a frown. Trying to contain my shock at seeing him here, I closed my mouth and smiled.

"Bong-ah! What are you doing here?"

He took the loudspeaker and said, "I was invited. What are you doing here?"

"Why else would I be here? Lee Sang Min Oppa is here." I put my coat back on and was about to join the crowd departing the stadium when Chilbong took my arm and made a path for me through the throng of people. He held out his arm and pushed people back so I can pass more freely. "Yah... How long have you been here?"

"I was here the whole game. I saw you as soon as I heard your voice." He looked down at my face. "You didn't even look my way once. Did you think a stranger would give you a loudspeaker and water?"

"I thought it was one of my friends who came with me."

"Your friends left on the second quarter. When your screams got even louder."

"Ah, is that right," I said. Embarrassed, I looked up at him as we exited the stadium. I can't believe he's here. "Bong-ah, where did you go yesterday? You didn't come home."

"I stayed at my Appa's apartment. I didn't have his phone number in the country so I went there to get it after visiting my Omma and ended up staying all night. My parents didn't even know I was back yet. I came straight to the boarding house when I came back to Korea." He smiled at me. "Why? Did you miss me?" He asked jokingly.

"Yes." I responded. I had already walked ahead a few steps before I realized he wasn't by my side anymore. Looking back I saw him standing still as if frozen. I walked back to him and took his arm. "Don't look so scared. It was a joke."

Inwardly I felt a pang. Does he not want me to miss him? I was speaking honestly but seeing as he seemed uncomfortable I made it into a joke. But I wasn't joking. Suddenly insecure, I was about to pull away from his arm when he grabbed my hand and placed it securely in his.

We continued walking towards the bus stop in comfortable silence and I found myself wishing it was further. His hand felt so big holding mine. So warm. He loosened his grip and I could feel the callouses on his palm. These hands are amazing, I thought. So much strength, but so gentle as well. So like Chilbong. Yes, I like his hands.

When arrived at the bus stop, I felt myself wanting to spend more time with him. There are so many unanswered questions between us, but I am too nervous to ask. As we stood holding hands, I alternated between rejoicing that he's here with me and worrying as well. Was he coming back home tonight? Was he coming home ever?

"Na Jeong-ah, do you want to..."

"YES!" I answered a little too loudly. People around us turned to look.

"Do you know what I'm even about to ask?" His voice sounded amused, his lips caught in a smile.

"It doesn't matter. Whatever it is, yes."

Linking his fingers back with mine he led me down a different street. We finally stopped in front of a restaurant and I looked up to see its name.

"You like crabs right?" He asked, nudging my side. "They do a great soy sauce crab here. Let's go eat."

We were seated by a window and I couldn't help but sneak glances at him across the table as we waited for our order. Under the table I can feel his knees touching mine and I felt a giddiness sweep over me. Is he having a great time too? I wondered nervously as I tried to read his expression. Are we here as friends or something more?

Looking at his face, I found myself staring at his lips. They look so soft. They felt so soft. I resisted the urge to touch my lips in remembrance, and when I lifted my eyes to his I saw that he's been watching me watching him. The focus was back in his eyes and I felt my mouth go dry. Will I ever get used to seeing Chilbong this way? Will I ever be able to sit with him and not feel my heart race?

I don't know how long we sat looking at each other. There were no words spoken but it was almost as if we were talking. Again I felt the familiar hum start on the bottom of my spine, traveling all the way up my neck and it made me feel lightheaded. The moment was broken when I heard his phone ring. Thank God. Another minute and I was afraid I would have climbed over the table into his arms.

He stepped out to take the call and I pondered how embarrassed I would have been had it been anyone else who caught me at my fangirling best during the game. I was expecting Chilbong to berate me and give me a lecture like everyone else, but he supported me instead. I felt a small smile form on my lips. When he returned, I asked, "How did you get a loudspeaker anyways?"

"Thankfully one of the coaches recognized me and let me borrow it. You should be thankful too... I just saved your voice." Ice broken, the amusement returned to his eyes and I almost breathed a sigh of relief. My ever growing attraction to him makes me feel like a bipolar person. Yoon Jin still shakes her head whenever she sees me.

"I wish I knew how to drive. It would be so much easier to travel to games if I could take myself there," I commented. "I was almost late today! When I received the phone call yesterday about the game I was convinced I wasn't going to make it." I'm pretty sure I've begun babbling. I'm not sure if it's nerves but I am determined to keep this conversation light. Stay cool Na Jeong, I reminded myself. It's not like you're on a date. I felt myself deflate at the thought.

The food arrived and I was about to tuck in when Chilbong pushed my hand away. Taking one of the crabs, he opened it and put it on my plate. I softened as I watched him serve me first before himself. How could I ever have taken this for granted? Memories of a certain time, with someone else, came to mind. Pushing those thoughts away, I cleared my throat.

"Bong-ah, should I take the driving test?" I asked. "The place is two hours away so maybe Yoon Jin can come with me..." Then I remembered something and shook my head. "Ah no... she can't. She has that internship. Maybe Haitai? No, he can't... He's working too... Samcheonpo?" My mind went down the list as I realized that no one will be able to go.

"I'll go with you," he interrupted.

"Really?" Unable to contain my excitement, I smiled at him. "Really?" I repeated and my smile grew when he nodded. "You won't regret it! Just think, we'll both get our licenses!"

He didn't say anything but just smiled back in response, shaking his head. He then looked at me more closely and crooked his finger. I leaned forward over the table and my heart started beating at the sudden proximity. Omo is he going to kiss me right now? I was about to lick my lips in anticipation when I felt his hand brush off a stray piece of crab stuck on my cheek instead. Looking at me like he knew exactly what I was thinking, I sat back down and drank a shot of soju in embarrassment.

The rest of our meal was spent talking about our experiences; his in Japan and mine in Australia. He mentioned that his friend In Sung and his university baseball manager, Mi Soo, stayed in contact with him during his time away. I told him how hard it was to adjust to Australia. While talking about my time abroad, I caught myself about to mention my broken engagement. Not wanting to delve into that topic, I steered the conversation a different direction. Though his eyes narrowed when I almost mentioned Jung Gook Oppa's name, he didn't ask, and I was more than willing to avoid the issue altogether.

We walked out of the restaurant holding hands and waited for the bus back to Seoul. He didn't let my hand go once, not when we were boarding the bus or when we took our seats. Leaning on his shoulder, I thought how of how nice it was to be here with him. Feeling myself relax, I fell asleep on Chilbong's shoulder, his fingers tracing circles across my palm.

## Chilbong

Sometimes the best things happen when you least expect it. In trying to avoid Na Jeong at the boarding house I ended up meeting her anyway, somewhere unforeseen and unplanned. Feeling the weight of her head on my shoulder as we travelled back to Seoul, I felt content. I looked at her hand, tucked into mine, and my heart constricted. She's asleep but there's a small smile on her face, and I fought the urge to run my hands down her hair.

I looked out the window while she slept. Even while seeing towns and cities pass by I felt like time stood still. I thought back on our conversation at the restaurant and felt a coldness seep into my veins. As I listened to Na Jeong speak of her time in Australia, I saw a shadow pass over her eyes. I waited to hear her mention Jung Gook Sunbae's name. I should have felt relieved that she was so unwilling to speak of that time, but instead I felt only dread.

You don't have much time left, a nagging voice inside my head insisted. You have to leave again soon. I quieted the voice down and told myself to just enjoy the moment. There are no guarantees in anything, and we're just having fun. Or so I keep reminding myself.

When we finally arrived home, I gently woke her up. As we walked, she held on to my hand tightly. I couldn't stop myself from stealing glances and taking in how happy she looked. I reluctantly let her hand go and tried to send her into the house ahead of me. "Na Jeong-ah, you go in first."

"Aren't you coming in?" She asked, brows furrowed.

"No, not yet," I said. "I have to do something first." I don't suppose I should mention that I had driven the car that my Appa always left for me to use at his apartment to the game and that I now had to take the bus back so I can drive it home. A man has to do what he has to do. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that. Na Jeong looked at me suspiciously, as if she didn't believe I'd be back. "I'll come home later," I said, wondering if I'm now allowed to smooth the suspicion away from her brows. "I promise."

Afraid she was going to ask me what I had to do and unwilling to lie, I turned away quickly and started to walk away.

"Bong-ah, wait," Na Jeong said.

I turned around just in time to catch her as she flung her arms around my waist. Surprised, I could do nothing but hold her close. I smelled her hair and felt her warm breath on my chest. I tightened my arms around her and savoured the feeling of her body against mine.

"Thank you for today," I heard her muffled voice say as she burrowed into my coat.

As she was pulling away, I looked at her still sleepy eyes and breathtaking smile. For a brief moment I forgot where I was. I had to remind myself to breathe and I could feel my heart pounding. I quickly snapped back to the present and bid her goodnight quietly.

Even after her shadow faded and I saw her bedroom light come on, I stayed standing at the same place. Gazing at her window, it felt like somewhere inside me something shifted. I realized at that moment that despite my best effort to protect myself, I had already headed down the slippery slope. Spending time with Na Jeong and being with her only brought to light the fact that I never really moved on. In fact, those feelings have only gotten stronger with time. With one last look towards the boarding house, I quickly left.

I was preoccupied as I waited for the bus back to Wonju. You worked so hard for so long to forget her but now this? After one day? Whatever happened to keeping it cool? I silently scolded myself. How can you fall in love with the same woman twice? Maybe you really are an idiot.

## January 3, 2000

##  7:30 a.m.

##  Chilbong

By the time I had returned last night Na Jeong's door was already closed and she was asleep, as was everyone else in the house. Silently I went back to my room and stayed staring at the ceiling for a long time, trying to relive the memory of the day I just spent with her, even though it just happened a few hours before. I don't know how long I had lain there thinking about this but the next thing I knew my alarm was going off and it was morning.

Groggily I pulled a sweatshirt on and my tracksuit bottoms, ready to go for a run before breakfast. Getting out of my room I saw that no one except Omma and Coach were up, with the former ensconced in the kitchen getting breakfast ready and the latter reading the newspaper.

"Chilbong-ah, where are you off to so early?" Coach asked as soon as he saw how I was dressed. He smiled at me over his coffee cup and I smiled back in response.

"I'm going for my run, Coach-nim," I replied. "I'll be back by the time breakfast is done."

"Aigoo, Chilbong-ah, you're so dedicated," Omma commented as she measured out rice onto the rice cooker. She gave me a fond smile and then waved me off. "Go run already.... breakfast will be ready in an hour."

I nodded and made my way to the front door, but not before I could stop myself from going to Na Jeong's room. I was thinking of the right words to say, unsure whether yesterday was just an aberrancy, if today she would act distant in front of her friends and family. Will she pretend that nothing is going on between us? Unhappy with the thought I was still thinking about this as I lifted my hand to knock. Before my closed fist could even make contact with the wood, however, the door opened suddenly and there she was. My first and only weakness, in front of me again. Beautiful Na Jeong. Funny, kind, intelligent Na Jeong. My friend Na Jeong.

She was already dressed in work clothes, looking like she has been up for a while. Her hair looked smooth and silky, a far cry from the Na Jeong I first met. She wore a turtleneck and a black skirt, her endless legs covered in tights. She smelled like heaven. Her eyes widened in surprise when she saw me standing at the other side of her door, and then breathlessly, happily, she said one word.

"Joon-ah."

At the use of my name my heart stopped. The way she said it seemed so familiar and yet so alien. As if she's never said it before. As if she's said a million times before. My heart started beating erratically and I recognized the feeling for what it was.

Anticipation. Desire. Love. I looked away from the clear green pools of her eyes lest my own betray me and scare her away. The uninhibited way she was looking at me was confusing and perplexing. She looked at me like I was someone she's not quite familiar with. It was then that I realized that she doesn't know. Seven years later and she still doesn't know how much I had felt for her, how much I still feel for her. "I like you," I had confessed. So casual a phrase. Too casual a phrase... when I really meant I want to get to know you, I want to make you smile, I'm falling in love with you and I'm scared. So many hidden meanings behind one sentence, the one line encompassing everything I wanted to say and couldn't.

My mind was going a million miles a minute and yet I could not speak, for fear that I would betray myself. The silence continued as I looked back at her face, her eyes still studying me slowly and carefully. My arms were hanging limp on my sides, fighting the urge to hold her as she allowed me to do yesterday. Keep it cool, Chilbong, I told myself. Keep it cool.

"You came back," she said, her lips curved into a smile.

"I promised you I would," I replied, keeping my tone casual and unassuming.

"You're dressed already," she continued as her smile disappeared. "Are you going somewhere else again already?"

I chuckled despite my wariness before I spoke. "I'm just going for my run," I told her. "When did you become this nosy?"

Her mouth opened slightly and she pinkened. She pursed her lips and gave me a sheepish smile, my mouth answering with a smile of my own.

"Will you be back for breakfast?" She asked, her voice shy, hesitant. One of her hands found the doorknob and fiddled with it as she awaited my answer.

"Yeah." I said and turned away before I gave in to the urge to straighten the part of her turtleneck that had been folded unevenly, revealing a smooth patch of skin on her neck. I forced my hands into the pockets of my sweatshirt and was walking away when I heard her call out.

"Joon-ah, wait."

I turned around in time to see her looking like she was mustering up the courage to do something. She took a deep breath before she smiled at me and crooked her finger. Slowly I walked back towards her and she urged for me to come closer. I held my breath as her face came nearer and nearer to me still, until we were only a breath away from each other.

I saw slender arms lift up around my neck and at that moment I didn't care whether anyone was around to witness this. I felt her lift the hood of my sweatshirt over my head before I saw her gaze wander over my face.

"It's flurrying outside," she whispered. "You best stay warm."

This has happened before, a lifetime ago, before I left. Back then I had seen her leave Jung Gook Sunbae's room and had felt my heart fall, but then she did this same thing and I had felt happy again. Such a small thing. Such an insignificant moment. It had been all I held onto then. And now she has done it again, except this time her eyes were looking at me, looking through me. Her finger hovered over my forehead, her touch slight and ever so fleeting, but it branded me. I looked at her intently looking at me and kept my expression neutral even though hope bloomed deep inside me.

A lock of her fringe was slightly askewed, I only just noticed now with her face so close. Her fingers still over my face I lift my hand to hers to smoothen it down. Awareness so strong I could almost taste it filled the gap between us and the silence felt heavy. Her moss green eyes darkened and she closed them, as if trying to catch a breath.

"I'll be back soon," I said softly before I withdrew my hand and turned away, making a beeline for the front door.

There were flurries everywhere and the wind was cold, biting. It was enough to bring me back to reality and I took a relieved breath as soon as I stepped outside. My legs started jogging, their rhythm slow but steady, automatic by now. I started running when thoughts of Na Jeong filled my head, and I willed myself to clear my mind. It is what it is, I told myself. Enjoy it for what it is. Though my heart pretended to understand and to be okay with it, I knew that parts of me had changed since I left. I am no longer willing to accept just these small moments. Don't think about that now. Don't think and just feel. That's what she's doing. That's what you should do too.

As I ran I resolved to just enjoy whatever it was between us. I will let her define it for me instead when the time is right, when the newness passes and she realizes that what we have could be something. I will give her time even though I knew damn well that it was a luxury I myself cannot afford. I ran and ran until legs ached and my lungs struggled to breathe. I ran until I couldn't run anymore and I had no choice but to go back to the boarding house, where maybe, just maybe, she was even waiting for me.

## Na Jeong

I woke up earlier than usual unintentionally, only to see flurries outside my windows. I dawdled a bit and watched as they fell, replaying yesterday in my head. The memory of the game and spending time with Chilbong put a smile on my face and I lifted myself off my bed with a burst of energy. The first place I stopped at as soon as I had washed my face had been in front of Chilbong's door. I knocked a few times and received no response and so I had thought he never made it back. Opening it just slightly, I breathed a sigh of relief when his sleeping form came into view, and had Appa not passed by just then I'm pretty sure I would have gone in and looked at him while he slept. Na Jeong, stop it. Stop it right now. This behaviour is crazy and impulsive. You're not 16 years old and he is not Lee Sang Min. You will scare the living daylights out of the man if he woke up and saw you hovering over him. Slow down. This is Chilbong.

I had gone back to my room and sat in front of the mirror. To kill time I applied my makeup carefully, then styled my hair. I put on my work clothes and gathered my purse. By the time I was done it was only just past 7:30 and I'm sure it's not too early now to wake Joon up.

"Good morning, Chilbong-ah," I said to the mirror, rehearsing my smile. Teeth or no teeth? I practiced both and ended up shaking my head at the absurdity of this situation. I stood up and straightened my skirt over my legs and took a deep breath before opening my door to see the object of my musings standing just outside my door. His eyes were still sleepy, but they brightened when they saw me and I smiled. He looked like he was deep in thought and for a second I wondered what serious thing he could possibly be thinking about this early in the morning. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck but I kept them firmly on my sides.

"Joon-ah," I finally said, savouring the way his name rolled off my tongue. I liked his name. He didn't respond and I looked for words to say. "You came back."

"I promised you I would," he said, his voice deep, still husky from sleep. I like his voice too. I like the way it wraps around me, the way it rumbles through me. It was old and new at the same time. And he was right... He did promise he'd come back. He told me he'd come back and he did. Just like he promised to be back for New Year's Eve and he did. It shouldn't surprise me anymore, really. Joon is a man of his word. I like that, too.

I like everything, actually, I realized with a start. I don't have to deny that anymore. I don't have to feel guilty about that. I'm not attached to anyone, I'm not beholden to anyone, not really.

My eyes narrowed when I noticed that Joon was already dressed as if he was going out. Is he not going to stay for breakfast?

"You're dressed already. Are you going somewhere else again already?"

"I'm just going for my run," he responded with a chuckle. "When did you become this nosy?"

I blinked at him even as I felt my cheeks flush. I gave him an awkward smile which lost all its awkwardness when he smiled back at me, revealing a row of perfectly straight teeth. His mouth slightly off kilter, not quite symmetrical on both sides, his eyes had tilted up, his expression like a little boy's. My heart accelerated inside my chest and I swallowed. Yes, I like his smile.

"Will you be back for breakfast?" The question came out before I could stop myself and my hand reached and fidgeted with the doorknob, suddenly the most interesting thing to me, as I waited for his response.

"Yeah," he answered and I saw his eyes travel from my face and down my neck, warmth in his gaze.

He turned away all too soon and started walking towards the front door. I saw as he placed his hands in his pockets and was about to go back into my room when I remembered something.

"Joon-ah, wait."

He turned around and directed questioning eyes my way. Should I do it? Should I not? Quick, think. I wanted to touch him, to make the interaction last longer, and this is the perfect excuse. I took a deep breath and crooked a finger at him. Leisurely he walked back to where I was standing. He stood about three feet away and I waved him closer. Too far, Joon-ah. Come closer.

When he was just close enough, I leaned my face closer to him and raised my around his neck to take hold of the hood of his sweatshirt and placed it over his head. My hand lingered over where his hair was touching his forehead and I couldn't move it. It hovered over his handsome face and I felt frozen, breathless. My pulse was jumping on the side of my neck and I forced the words out.

"It's flurrying outside. You best stay warm." My voice came out in a whisper, my throat feeling like there was something stuck there.

He continued standing there like a living, breathing statue, his pupils dilating, warmth suffusing his cheeks. He watched me intently and I felt self-conscious all of a sudden, wondering if the makeup I've meticulously applied was still on my face. Hesitantly he lifted a hand and I felt fingers smoothing my hair down. The way he was watching me gave me goosebumps and I fought the urge to run my fingers down his face to that strong jaw. I wanted to rest my palm over his heart and see if he was as affected as I. Nervous that my eyes would make those thoughts evident I closed them firmly. I felt his finger over my face and forced myself to stay still.

By the time I opened my eyes again Joon had already put his shoes on and had gone out the door. I lifted a shaky finger to my hair, where his finger just was and then to my chest to calm my racing heart. My hands rested on my cheeks to notice with some embarrassment that they still felt warm and released the breath I didn't know I was holding. This growing attraction leaves me bewildered.

The boarders started coming down the stairs then, one by one, and Yoon Jin gave me a strange look before taking my arm. She waited until Samcheonpo, Haitai and Binggrae were out of earshot when she turned curious eyes my way.

"Why do you look so happy?" She asked.

"No reason," I said automatically, afraid that the flush on my cheeks would give me away.

"Na Jeong-ah..."

"It's nothing, Yoon Jin-ah. Don't worry about it," I said as I led her towards the kitchen. "Let's go have some breakfast."

## 8:30 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

"Aish, gashina," I heard Appa's voice say as he pointed a chopstick at me. "Stop daydreaming and eat your breakfast."

I was still thinking about Joon and what just happened a few minutes ago when his voice broke through my reverie. I sent an uncomfortable smile his way, embarrassed that I haven't made a greater effort to disguise how I felt. In front of me my rice remained untouched, a piece of grilled meat cooling rapidly over it. I turned to look at the front door and was disappointed that Joon has not come back yet.

"Yah, chinggu-ya, are you waiting for someone? You keep looking at the door," Haitai asked from across the table and I glared at him to be quiet. He raised his eyebrows at me in question and I shook my head. He shrugged his shoulders and continued eating.

I picked up the meat with my chopsticks and was about to eat it when I heard the front door open. Within a few minutes Joon appeared in the kitchen, the hood off his head, his dark hair untouched by the snow. His cheeks were pink from the cold and he was rubbing his hands together. Appa smiled at him affectionately as Omma stood up to grab a bowl of rice.

"Chilbong-ah, you're hungry, right?" Omma asked and Joon answered yes before he sat down to my right, where he usually sat. He placed a hand on the back of my chair and I almost choked on my rice.

I could feel Yoon Jin's eyes watching me and I attempted to maintain my composure. Joon thanked Omma as she put the rice in front of him and she resumed her seat. Pretty soon the conversation started at the table, with Binggrae, Haitai, Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo talking about their jobs and Omma and Appa speaking between the two of them as well. Their voices flowed around me, but I couldn't focus on what they were saying. Joon was also silent, nodding occasionally at best, as he ate his meal.

Just his presence alone was distracting me and I knew that I would have to figure out a way around this. Somehow or another I will deal with these... Feelings. I looked over at his face which betrayed no emotion. Is this how it will be with us? Pretending all the time when other people are around? Is he just toying with me?

I fought to contain the frown on my face as I bit my bottom lip. I don't feel like eating all of a sudden. I was about to excuse myself when suddenly I felt something under the table. Curious I looked down to see Joon's left hand making its way to my right. He moved slowly, silently, while continuing to eat as if nothing was happening. I stared at his hand in fascination, his pinky finger now touching the back of my hand. He continued to not look at me, then his hand stopped moving. When I saw he was about to pull back, as if he had made a mistake, I turned my hand over and grabbed his firmly, interlocking my fingers with his, giving him no chance to retreat.

It was only then that he turned and looked at me with a smile. I mirrored his face with a smile of my own and picked up the spoon with my left hand to eat.

## January 4, 2000

##  11:00 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

I opened the deck door quietly, my coat on over my pyjamas and a thick blanket over my shoulders. I've been tossing and turning for the better part of the last two hours, unable to sleep. Even the warm milk I drank didn't help.

Joon wasn't at dinner tonight. I was going to ask Binggrae subtly where he was but then thought against it. We're not at that stage yet, right? We're having fun and taking it slow. That's all.

I leaned my back against the rail and looked up at the sky. It was a clear night and you can even see some stars. I took a deep breath in and savoured the smell of winter in the air. Wrapping my blanket more firmly over my shoulders I thought to myself that there must be something to the whole starting the day right business. Joon holding my hand through breakfast yesterday put a smile on my face so wide that it managed to colour the rest of my day and today, as well. Even at work, doing tasks that I would have previously complained and grumbled over, couldn't erase my smile.

I must have picked up my phone a hundred times at the office yesterday, looking to see if Joon had texted me or called me, at least until I realized that he might not have my handphone number, and then I started looking at my phone for every number that came up. I didn't hear from him at all while working both days but even that didn't change my mood.

When I came home from work yesterday he was already sitting in the living room, where Appa and the rest of the boys were, reading a book to Sook Sook. He raised his eyes to mine and smiled at me as soon as he saw me and my heart started beating so quickly that I got nervous and retreated to my room to compose myself. After changing my clothes and washing my face I applied just some more of my lip gloss before joining Yoon Jin and Omma in the kitchen.

I helped Yoon Jin set up the table while Omma put Sook Sook to bed, and once all the dishes were plated and on the table Yoon Jin called Appa and the boys to dinner, but not before asking me why my lips were so shiny. I didn't answer her and sat down on my seat, wondering if Joon would hold my hand again.

And sure enough ever so casually he sauntered into the room and sat himself down next to me, picking up his spoon as soon as Omma came back. And just as casually his left hand grasped my right and I had to stop myself from laughing out loud before gamely eating with my left hand.

After dinner everyone hung out in the upstairs living room and we didn't get a chance to spend any time alone. He sat in between Haitai and Samcheonpo being peppered by questions about Japan, but I could have sworn he had looked over at me several times.

Of course it was entirely possible that it was a mere figment of my imagination or wishful thinking. I find myself daydreaming about Joon more times than I would care to admit or am willing to examine right now. I keep reminding myself he's only been back for a few days... All I could possibly be feeling is excitement and attraction. This feeling is so different from what I had felt for Op... Don't think about that. Don't think about anything. You're different now.

He showed up to the breakfast table dressed in a pair of trousers and a dress shirt, a bag over his left shoulder, and said that he had to meet up with his manager during the day and then train before meeting up with his Omma. He had been very candid in the past about his parents being divorced and I wondered why I never heard about his Appa, save for the time he told me his father now lived in the country. He left directly after breakfast and didn't show up for dinner. I wonder if he will be coming back tonight. I hope he will.

Though we've known each other for years I realized just now how much of Joon I still had to get to know. How much about him I still had no clue about. And though he looked the same, albeit older, this Joon seemed different from the Joon I had spent my college years with. Oh I still see glimpses of that boy sometimes, but for the most part this... Man was inscrutable.

I heard a crunch on the ground and turned around, my eyes looking for whoever could be coming at this time, hoping it was Joon. I didn't see anyone and I shook my head at myself. Are you that desperate, Na Jeong, that you would imagine sounds now as well? And for what... A glimpse of the man that you used to be able to see whenever?

I shook the questions off as I looked up at the sky. Will making a wish still work if it's not made on a shooting star? No harm in wishing, I thought giddily as I closed my eyes and made a wish for Joon to come home. Remembering that every time Joon counted down it ended in a kiss I resolved to start counting backwards as well. My hand lingered over my lips as I thought about the time he kissed me. Both times he kissed me. Omo.

Some people may say it's silly for a grown woman to do and I'm pretty sure Yoon Jin would shake her head at me if she saw me doing this, but there's no one here with me and besides, I felt so light that I was just about game for anything. I may be an adult now but I am still a girl, really. A girl who likes a boy enough to make a wish for him on stationary stars. The thought made me giggle but I didn't open my eyes.

"10..." I started. "9... 8... 7... 6...."

## Chilbong

Walking into the boarding house the lights were all off. I was about to go straight into my room when I saw a single light on by the second floor landing. I walked up the stairs only to see the upstairs living room empty, but the deck door was partially open. Thinking that someone must have just left it ajar accidentally I was about to close it and lock it when I saw a lone figure standing on the deck.

The person was facing the door, head down, but I could see a blanket draped over slim shoulders. Too tall to be Yoon Jin, too slender to be one of the boys, I had already deduced that it must be Na Jeong before I even stepped foot outside.

Trying not to surprise her, I walked lightly until I was in front of her. She didn't seem to notice and not wanting to alarm her I was about to clear my throat to let her know I was there when she touched her lips and giggled to herself, eyes closed. Her lips started moving and wondering what was so funny I leaned my face in a little closer towards her direction to hear what she could possibly be talking to herself about.

"10... 9... 8..." She said, her voice low, husky. The sound was addictive, delicious. "7... 6... 5... 4..." Her eyes remained steadfastly shut and I fought the urge to cup her flushed cheek and pull her closer to me. It was so cold outside I could see her breaths as she spoke. My heart started beating to the rhythm that she was counting down and I swallowed. "3... 2...1."

She opened her eyes then and I recognized the look of surprise before it transformed into joy upon seeing me. She said nothing but hesitantly put a hand up to my face before she stopped mid-air, as if just realizing what she was about to do. She blinked a couple of times, still silent, and she looked so dazed that I worried that something may be wrong with her.

"Are you okay?" I said gently, and the haze dissipated from her eyes and she smiled. "What are you doing out here so late?"

"I was just thinking about y... Yoon Jin," she said, her face blushing a deeper pink. Thinking that it was from the cold I was about to shrug my coat off to offer it to her when she looked at me questioningly. "You weren't home for dinner. Have you eaten?" She asked. "We still have some banchan left over... You know how Omma cooks. Shall we make some ramyun?"

"I ate," I said before standing next to her, my face lifted up to the sky. "I saw some of the guys I played baseball with in Yonsei after seeing my Omma. We ended up going for dinner and some drinks." I nudged her side then. "So no... You won't get to talk me into making ramyun for you tonight."

She clucked her tongue at me but then said nothing else. I turned my head to look at her only to catch her watching me intently. Our eyes met and she looked away, her hands tightening the blanket around herself.

"You should go in... It's freezing out here," I said. She shook her head at me and pulled my gloves out from the pocket of her coat.

"I came prepared," she said with a grin. "I'm not cold at all."

"It's a beautiful night. I love it when the sky is clear like this" I said, making small talk, stopping myself from saying that she looked beautiful, that I missed her. I bit my tongue from asking if she thought about me, if she missed me too. "How was your day?"

She released a breath before she responded. "My day is the same as always. It was really busy... I didn't even have time to eat lunch. It's the same thing every day but there's something comforting about that... I'm not very good with change," she answered. "But then again you knew that already, right?"

I put a smile on my face and nodded. She's not telling me anything I didn't already know, something I already feared, even though I won't admit it. It's something I've thought about so many times in the past that I've lost count... How Na Jeong liked to hold onto the things and people that she had always known, seemingly unwilling to go forward. It had surprised me when she went to Australia, though she mentioned offhandedly a couple of days ago while we were in Wonju that had the situation not been so dire that she would not have. And then what would have happened?

You know what would have happened, the little voice inside me said. You know exactly what would have happened. Though I vaguely heard Na Jeong's voice as she spoke, Jung Gook Sunbae's face flashed through my thoughts and I felt my heart drop.

I clenched my jaw and banished the image away, trying to ignore the nagging feeling that there was so much I still didn't know about, so many questions that may always remain unanswered. Am I okay with that? I don't know yet. But I do know this: If being with Na Jeong, for as long as I could, in whatever capacity she will allow, meant never asking those questions then that's what I will do.

## Na Jeong

"How was your day?" He asked, his voice curious and interested, as if he really wanted to know.

He's always had this talent of making me feel like everything I said was important, like I was someone he liked to listen to. As I looked at him before I responded I was thankful that I had enough restraint to stop myself from touching Joon's face as soon as I realized that I didn't make him up.

His eyes were still studying me now as he waited for my response. The way he was looking at me left me short winded and I had to take a deep breath before I spoke.

"My day is the same as always. It was really busy... I didn't even have time to eat lunch," I said. "It's the same thing every day but there's something comforting about that... I'm not very good with change. But then again you knew that already, right?" I slipped his gloves on my hands before I continued. "I was homesick in Australia but there was always something new to learn and experience... The language, the food. The work was more challenging but I was grateful. It made the time go faster. My job now is not as challenging but being home feels good though... Nothing ever quite feels like Korea."

"I know what you mean," he said after a few minutes. "I felt the same when I was away. And Japan is significantly closer and more similar to Korea, and I still always distinctly felt alienated there."

"At least you get to do what you love doing and get paid for it," I said. "How many people can say that they do that?"

He turned his pretty brown eyes towards me and nodded, then looked as if he was thinking about something.

"Is this what you always wanted to do?" He asked. At my puzzled expression he added, "Computer science. Has it always interested you?"

Never having been asked this for as long as I can remember I had to think before giving him an answer. "When I was a senior in high school I asked the advisor what career had the best projection in terms of stability and need. She looked it up and this was it," I said, chuckling to myself. "Once the path was set, I just followed it. Thank goodness I had the aptitude for it or I don't know what I would have done. To be perfectly honest I would have done anything to be able to help out Omma and Appa and make sure Sook Sook goes to university."

I turned around and stood side by side with him, our arms barely touching.

"Surely though, when you were younger even, you had dreams?" He insisted. "Fanciful dreams that no one ever thinks you would be able to do? Everyone has them. People thought my dream of being a baseball player was one, until I proved them wrong."

"Nope," I said. "I was practical even as a child. I had no such dreams, except..." Except marrying Oppa. I stopped myself from blurting that out and became nervous about my almost tongue slip. "I had no such dreams."

He searched my eyes then as if he knew I wasn't disclosing everything and I knew that he would ask about my broken engagement if I didn't change the topic.

"Joon-ah... Do you have a handphone?"

He looked puzzled about the abrupt change in subject but didn't ask why.

"No," he said. "I have the phone here in the boarding house if people need to get in touch with me in Korea. I had one in my apartment in Japan, too. I might get one before I leave for America, but I don't have need for one now."

"Oh."

We stood together in silence for a little while then and again I was struck by how strange it is that being here with him seemed so familiar and different at the same time. How can the same man that makes my heart flutter so strongly still feel as comfortable as everything home was to me? How was it that I never realized that it has always been this way with him? I was still thinking about this when he cleared his throat and I looked at him.

"Na Jeong-ah."

"Hmm?" I asked, his eyes still turned away from me.

"Are you doing anything this weekend?" He turned to face me then and my heart started pounding. "A few of the guys and I are getting together for practice on Saturday... Do you want to come with me? I'll take you out for dinner after. Of course if you already have plans you don't have to... Or if you don't want to you don't have to... Or..."

"I have no plans," I said, cutting him off. I may not be interested in baseball but I will go if that meant spending some time with Joon alone. "Are any of our friends coming?"

"No," he said uncertainly. "I could ask them if you want me to..."

I shook my head adamantly. "Nope... I just wanted to know."

"Is that right?" He asked, in my dialect.

"Yah... You want to die, right? That's why you keep making fun of me?"

He smiled at me then and suppressed a sigh as I admired his high cheekbones and his strong jaw. I fought the urge to run my hands just over where his neck met his shoulder and crossed my arms in front of my chest.

He didn't say anything else but I saw the way his eyes took me in. The air between us felt heavy and I calmed the nerves bubbling up inside me even as his face started leaning down towards mine. Is he going to kiss me? Thank God I brushed my teeth. I closed my eyes and attempted to relax my brows even though my body had already started humming in anticipation.

I felt his hands on the cover around my shoulders to wrap it more closely around me.

"I wasn't making fun of you. I like it... The way you say that phrase," he said, turning me towards the direction of the door. "Go in first... I'll lock up."

"Was that it?" I asked, licking my lips, disappointed. "I meant... Was that all?"

He grinned at me but didn't answer, and annoyed, I marched through the door. I had just stepped foot inside the house and was almost out of earshot when I heard his voice.

"Good night, Na Jeong-ah."

His voice was soft, wistful. He had spoken so softly I wasn't even sure if he meant for me to hear it. Was that longing that I heard, or was that another of my fabrications? He said only that one sentence and yet it was enough to make me want to go back to where he stood and touch my lips to his. Not really knowing if he would push me away or hold me to him I closed the deck door and started going down the stairs instead.

My hands on the railings I acknowledged once more that my priorities are skewed. Why waste a wish on him coming home when this is where he stayed? I definitely should have wished for kisses instead. Definitely.

## January 8, 2000

##  4:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

I paced back and forth by the front door, my trainers making an imprint on the snow right as I waited for Na Jeong. Within a few minutes she emerged out of the house wearing jeans and a sweater, furry boots on her legs. She had a floppy red woollen cap on her head and wore my gloves on her hands. A bag was slung over her shoulder and she smiled when she saw me.

"Are we ready?" She asked and I nodded.

"Omma, Appa... Joon and I are leaving," she called back into the house. "Don't expect us for dinner!"

Before her parents could ask questions she quickly took my arm and led me to the path which will lead us to the street. As soon as we were out of the gate, her hand moved from my arm to my hand, and her fingers intertwined with mine. This happened instinctively now, as we hold hands through breakfast and dinner as well as any other times we are alone, which were few and far between. We walked quietly to the bus stop and as we waited she looked me up and down.

"Joon-ah, you look no different right now than you did when I first met you. Especially when you're wearing your sweatpants and your hoodie. And with that cap on your head... It's like I'm looking at the Chilbong I hung out with in university."

That's not a good thing, I thought. You didn't like Chilbong... Not the way he liked you. Any reminder of my old role in her life brought painful memories, memories I didn't want to think about. I didn't want to voice these thoughts out loud so I just stayed quiet instead.

"Will there be many people there?" She asked, distracted by the whizzing of cars speeding past. "Will In Sung be there?"

Grateful for the safe topic I replied. "Nah... In Sung got injured last season so he's still doing physical therapy. He doesn't want to risk his elbow before the season starts up again."

"Your shoulder isn't bothering you, right?" She asked, concern on her features. "Like... You warm up appropriately before your games and stuff, right?"

"Are you worried about me?" I teased and she nodded. "Don't worry... I'm in the best shape of my life. This shoulder is the key to my future. Do you think I'd be so careless?"

She smiled then, reassured. I have to admit though that I have never ever entertained the idea of being injured. The rigorous training that I do, even in the off season, assured me that I keep my body as healthy as it can possibly be to handle the stress I put on it when the season begins. An injury is something that I don't even consider. I can control that. I can.

The bus came just then, turning my attention away from all talks of injuries, and we hopped on. The bus was packed with people and Na Jeong and I could barely find space to stand, let alone sit on. The one advantage is that I get to keep her body close to me for the few minutes it took to go to Yonsei. The bad thing is that everyone else also was pressed up against me, or more importantly, her, for the few minutes it took to go to Yonsei.

I adjusted my position slightly so that she was surrounded by some seated people to her front and another woman to her side, solidly blocking the man who was just standing right behind her. She looked at me curiously but didn't ask any questions.

I tried to maintain a safe distance from her out of respect, but when the bus stopped suddenly it hurtled her body against me and I lowered an arm to keep her steady. Her hands lay flat on my chest, her eyes wide eyed and surprised. I peered down at her face to see her looking at where her hands rested, and though the bus had started moving again, she made no initiative to move them.

When her hands moved down towards my abdomen, beads of sweat started forming on my forehead and I tried to keep my expression calm. She kept her hands that way, one on my chest and one lower, until we arrived at the stop for university. I almost breathed a sigh of relief when she made her way out of the bus, with me not so closely following behind.

Side by side we walked slowly to the baseball stadium. Unsure of how she felt about holding my hand while there were other people around us I stayed just a couple of feet away from her. It wasn't until we were entering the university gates that I noticed that she was closing in on the distance between us, that her pinky finger had somehow latched onto mine. I held her hand then, more firmly now, enjoying the weight of it against my hand. She had a smile on her face as we continued our way together.

"What do you want to eat later?" I asked. "Ddukbokki?

She shook her head before responding. "I'm kind of in the mood for cold noodles."

Cold noodles? I haven't eaten cold noodles since the day of the department store collapse. Even just the thought of it now still coils me up in knots. When I didn't respond, she continued.

"What am I saying?" She said, abashed. Did she notice that I've tensed up? "Its winter and I'm talking about cold noodles. We'll eat omurice instead. I seem to remember you liking that. You do, right?"

"Yeah," I finally said. "We'll eat omurice."

Na Jeong continued talking as we walked past the tree lined path, the trees that will bloom in spring still faintly covered by snow. We continued holding hands past the buildings that used to house our classes and past the parking lot. She held on to my hand the whole time, her grasp soothing my frayed emotions at the recollection of that day. It wasn't until we walked into the stadium that she pulled her hand away and I was taken aback by the disappointment I felt.

I have savoured every moment we've shared, every interaction. I tucked away in my memory every touch she has given me, every smile she has sent my way. There have been plenty, more than I've ever received from her. And still it didn't feel enough. I wanted more. Always more.

Like someone hoarding for a rainy day, I wanted to collect as much as I could, not really knowing how much more will be appropriated to me. I have gotten so used to having my feelings unreciprocated that it seemed almost too much to hope that this time could really be different.

The world I know is a world where Na Jeong was in love with someone else. It was a world where she has always been in love with someone else. This... What we have now seems almost a dream to me, one that I never ever wanted to wake up from.

I've become greedy. The more I received the more I wanted. That I was in this grey area with her now is bringing up parts of myself I didn't like. The idea that to this day she may not have dealt with that break up properly makes me apprehensive.

"Thanks for the kimbap that you put in my bag the day before yesterday, Joon-ah," she said.

"You should eat something when you're working," I answered. "No matter how busy you are."

"It was really thoughtful," she said then cleared her throat. "You're always so thoughtful."

"I try my best." And I do. No matter what, I always try my best, in love or anything else.

Baseball taught me that win or lose, I always need to do my best, to put my strongest effort forward. I have never thrown a game away even when the end seemed certain. That applied even to my pursuit for Na Jeong's heart.

"Omo," Na Jeong said and I looked over at her as her mouth opened in surprise.

Wondering what could have possibly left her speechless I followed her eyes to see a dozen guys approaching us. Before I knew it a genuine smile came over my face at the sight of most of my teammates present here today.

Na Jeong stood aside as they all greeted me with handshakes and warm hugs. Seeing them all here now brought me unexpected pleasure, as I was reminded of the days I had played for Yonsei. These guys shared some of my happiest times in college. I was glad to see them all now.

"Yah," Choi Gil Hong, my former teammate and outfielder said. "Where's In Sung?"

"He's still recuperating from his injury last season. How come I know this and you don't?" I asked him. "What are you doing here anyway?" Turning to Man Ho, who was at dinner the other day, I said, "I thought it was just going to be the eight of us?"

"How are we supposed to play baseball with just eight people?" He responded, nonplussed. "Besides, I only told Gil Hong, who then told Chun Gi, who then told... You know how it is. Everyone came out when they found out that The Kim Jae Joon was back in town." Turning to Na Jeong he narrowed his eyes before he spoke again. "Hey... I know you," he commented as he pointed a finger at her. He turned back to face me. "She's the girl, right? The hamburger girl?" When I didn't respond he continued. "I still don't know why you hit Hyung with your ball that day, or why he beat you up."

I tried to shut him up with a glare but he wasn't paying attention. Not wanting to answer his question I just shrugged my shoulders instead.

"It was a long time ago... I don't remember either," I fibbed.

I just realized now that I haven't even introduced Na Jeong to anyone. Motioning for her to come closer, I said, "Na Jeong-ah, this is... Everyone," I said as I realized that there were just too many people there for me to tell her all their names. "Everyone... This is Na Jeong, my..."

"Chilbong-ah, I didn't realize it was 'bring your girlfriend' to practice day," Lee Man Ho, my former first baseman interrupted. "She's pretty."

I was about to tell him to keep his eyes to himself when I saw Na Jeong shaking her hands to object, as if he misunderstood.

"No... No," she started, cheeks pink in embarrassment. "I'm not his girlfriend. We're only friends."

I knew she was about to say that before I even heard the words come out of her mouth, but that didn't lessen the blow nonetheless. It's only been eight days. There's still time. It's only been eight days.

## Na Jeong

I felt Joon tense up as soon as I mentioned the cold noodles. He used to love cold noodles... I remembered. So I am not entirely sure why the mere suggestion of it brought such a hooded look on his face. It was the same expression that came over briefly when I told him that he looked today just as he looked six years ago.

I had just mustered up enough courage to ask him why all of a sudden he appeared as if he was somewhere else when I remembered that I had brought the shirt I purchased yesterday. I had been on my way home when I passed a sports themed shop and impulsively went in. To my amazement they were selling replica baseball jerseys. They even had one with the Yonsei colours and Joon's last name. Thinking that he would enjoy seeing it, I brought it with me today. I had unlinked my hands from his and was about to pull it out of my bag when, from the corner of my eye, I saw two dozen guys approaching us.

I tried to stay out of the way when his old teammates all came over. I watched as a smile came over his face and it surprised me to realize that just seeing Joon so happy made me happy too. Soon I was smiling behind him as I witnessed their reunion. The whole time I kept my eyes on Joon's face and tried to listen to his responses to their questions. A feeling like pride came over me to see that he was so well liked and accepted by his teammates as well.

Of course he was. You know yourself how wonderful he is.

That's true, I admitted silently and sighed inwardly. He IS wonderful. He's thoughtful and he's kind. And...

My musings were interrupted when I saw Joon waving me into the group. I took hesitant steps towards him but only stopped when I was at his side.

"Na Jeong-ah, this is... Everyone," he said. "Everyone... This is Na Jeong, My..."

"Chilbong-ah, I didn't realize it was 'bring your girlfriend' to practice day," one of his teammates said. "She's pretty."

I blushed at the assumption and the compliment but looking at Joon, it seemed he was not very happy about it, judging from the frown that came over his face. Not wanting to make him any more cross today than he already was, I decided to answer for him. I don't want to hear from his lips that I'm not his girlfriend.

"No... No," I protested. "I'm not his girlfriend. We're only friends." I uttered the last part out even as the pang in my chest intensified.

"Chilbong-ah," another of his teammates called out. "We only have the field for a couple of hours so we best start playing."

Relieved to have the attention off me, I grabbed Joon's arm. "Joon-ah, I'll be over at the bleachers reading my magazines."

"You brought magazines?" He asked, shaking his head. "Yah..."

"Joon-ah... You know I like basketball," I said flatly.

All of the guys around him started laughing as one put his arm around Joon's shoulder. "I can't believe this," he said. "The great Kim Jae Joon finally has a girlfriend and she doesn't even like baseball."

Joon tried to shake his arm off with an irritated look on his face. Thinking that he may still be irked at them labelling me his girlfriend, I said, "I'm not his..."

"Let's go," Joon interjected, his tone abrupt. "We'll split up into teams like we used to do."

They all started walking into the baseball diamond and I too had turned around to make my way to the bleachers when I heard my name called out.

"Na Jeong-ah!"

I turned around to see that Joon had turned back to address me while a couple of his teammates waited behind him. He flashed me a smile so warm I just about melted onto the ground if it hadn't been so cold.

"I'll see you after practice," he added. "Enjoy your magazines!"

The smile stayed on his face even as he turned back around and I only just now nodded in response. I'm always so late when it comes to Joon. Something about the way he smiles at me erases all my coherent thoughts and leaves me in a puddle of unrecognizable matter.

I sat myself down on the last bleacher closest to the field and pulled a magazine out. I was just about to open to the first page when I saw Joon run to the center of the field.

He had taken his coat off and even just dressed casually, he drew eyes to him. I sighed again. Was he always this handsome? He started doing some stretches, rotating his shoulder from the joint. I couldn't help but watch. It took all my concerted effort to peel my eyes off him to read my magazine. Still I couldn't help but steal glances at him as he warmed up. When he looked up and caught me looking at him, I looked away and averted my gaze, mortified that he always catches me watching him nowadays. I opened my magazine then and resolved to read even though just having Joon in any part of my periphery was extremely distracting.

I had just read the first line on the first page for what seemed like the thousandth time when the game started. Out of sheer curiosity I peeked up for a moment to see if Joon was pitching. When I saw that he was, my magazine was forgotten as I held my breath for his throw.

Just one throw, I said to myself. Everyone always watches the first throw, don't they?

He stood in the center of the field, his eyes focused. Gone is my teasing and smiling Joon. The pitcher that stood before me is intense and single minded. Watching him now brought goosebumps to my spine. There's something about the way he is able to block out everything else during a game that was just so... Sexy. At the thought I realized I must be hungry if I am having such thoughts about Joon in public. I fished out a pepero stick out of its box to munch on something when I saw a group of girls sit down not too far from me.

"Is that..." One girl said, pointing, and I followed the direction of her finger to see that she was pointing at Joon. "Kim Jae Joon is here. Omo... KIM JAE JOON IS HERE!" She and her friends shrieked in excitement and I cringed. Was that how I and my friends looked when squealing for Sang Min Oppa? "He's so handsome, omo," she continued. "Oppa... OPPA! JAE JOON OPPAAAAA!"

Is she calling Joon Oppa? Miffed I felt a frown overtake my face. Young girls nowadays... So obvious. Joon is no one's Oppa, much less yours, thank you very much. My temper was quickly firing up and I struggled to keep it at bay, reminding myself that he is a famous baseball player. Joon plays with the big leagues. Of course he has a lot of fans. But does he have to have overly loud and young and pretty female fans?

They quieted down when the players took their positions and I was glad. Saves me from having to shut them up.

Joon positioned his arms up in the air before bringing them back as his left leg lifted off the ground. Tension and power exuded off him and I found myself thinking about the first time I saw him play. Even then I was amazed, and I am not even into baseball, baseball coach father notwithstanding. He transformed on the field then, but even more so now. He carried himself on the baseball field now with only self-assurance and confidence. This was a man who knew that something was expected of him on the field and was prepared to deliver. This was a man who understood that he was someone on the field.

When he finally released the ball straight into the catcher's mitt, I finally let out a breath. I had forgotten how talented he was. Even my Appa would be astounded by the way he threw that ball. Even here, in practice, he threw like it was a real game. I realized then that it was always real for Joon.

He's not one to take things lightly, at least not by instinct. Everything he did, he did seriously and meticulously. He's not one to just do things impulsively and without thought. He's so different from me.

I liked that about him. All my life I had been one to allow others to dictate the path which I took. Talking about dreams with him a few days ago just reinforced that to me. Even my leaving for Australia had been dictated by need and not choice. Whereas Joon... Joon has paved his own way in life. I admired it and envied it as well.

The girls next to me cheered obnoxiously when he struck out the third batter and disturbed by the noise he looked up to the bleachers. He barely paid them any mind and looked directly at me instead, tipping his cap, just like he did at the first game I watched. Self-consciously I felt rather than saw the girls' eyes as they looked me up and down. I lifted my face and looked at them directly, seeing one of them nudging the prettiest of the group.

The team changing sides distracted them for a few minutes, and I was relieved. Still I felt their eyes drift over me every few minutes, before whispering amongst themselves. After the fifth strikeout, I stood up to use the restroom, stuffing my magazine in my purse. When I got back to the bleachers my eyes met Joon's and he ambled over to where I sat.

I watched amazement and surprise register on their faces as Joon sat himself down next to me.

"Enjoying your magazine?" He asked casually.

"As much as you're enjoying your practice," I said, pulling the magazine back out from my bag. "Yah... Don't sit so close to me. Those girls over there are glaring a hole through my head."

He turned towards the group of girls and gave them a friendly wave, leaving them tongue tied and dumbstruck. "Don't worry about them," he said.

"Easy for you to say when you're not the one they keep whispering about," I retorted. "You're playing well."

"I always do when my lucky charm is around," he said. I was about to ask him what he meant by that when he suddenly stood up and re-joined the boys on the field. I watched with not just a little admiration as he walked back down the stairs, his strides long and leisurely. This attraction is very new to me. Joon is just so...

"Unnie," the most vocal of the girls called out with fake sweetness, interrupting my thoughts. "Are you Jae Joon Oppa's girlfriend?"

The world is conspiring against me today. It's mocking me and laughing at me. How many people could possibly ask me today if I am Joon's girlfriend, when I knew and he knew that I was not? This just stopped being funny.

"Maybe," I said. "Maybe not."

"So you're not, then," she said, a satisfied smirk on her face. "You would just say yes if you were..."

Persistent, insistent displeasure nipped at my temper and it wasn't until she reminded me of the fact that despite all the time we have been spending together that we remained undefined that I had to admit, if only to myself, that it was this that was bothering me. The realization surprised me and I blinked at her before I looked away even as she kept on speaking.

"And you're pretty, but really, Jae Joon Oppa is perfect, and you're... You're a normal person."

At this, my temper flared and I stood up, my magazine falling off my lap and onto the floor in front of me. "Yah, gashina, how old are you to be talking to me so disrespectfully?"

"Unnie... I wasn't being disrespectful. If I was I would have called you ahjumma," she said snidely, drawing snickers from her companions. "I mean, look at the way you're dressed."

My hands fisted at my sides at the insult and before I could think about what I was doing, I had stalked over to where they sat, my hands on my waist.

"You need to shut up," I warned her in a low voice. "Or I'll shut you up."

"Unnie," she said, with a mock apology in her voice. "I'm just saying... I always thought when Jae Joon Oppa has a girlfriend that she would be a goddess. I mean he has better taste than..."

The repeated mention of Joon and the word girlfriend, as well as the not so subtle implication that he couldn't possibly see me in that way now finally broke whatever modicum of restraint I still had and in a flash, my eyes saw red. Next thing I knew there were shrieks and loud howls of pain. My hands were on... Someone's head and I grabbed another handful of hair. There was so much commotion I didn't know where whose limbs started and ended. I felt strong hands on my waist, attempting to lift me from the fray, and this just angered me more. Feeling agitated I threw a hard punch and connected with someone's chin. I couldn't tell who it was that I punched and I didn't care. I was out for blood.

## Chilbong

If I wasn't already in love with Na Jeong surely I would fall in love with her right now, as I watched her shove omurice into her mouth, her cap lying on the table, her hair a tangled mess on her head. She had barely any makeup on, and the eyeliner she had been wearing had smudged some in the scuffle, making her look like she hasn't slept in days. Her lips were set in an irritated line and her face was still flushed in anger. Still it didn't detract from the fire leaping out of her eyes as she glared at me over her plate. Passionate, temperamental Na Jeong. The woman is resplendent.

I hissed in pain as I lifted the ice pack that I have got from the sore spot on my chin, the spot her fist hit, and still I could not erase the admiration from my gaze. When she looked up and her frown grew, I adopted a look of disapproval.

"Na Jeong-ah," I said carefully. "Do you know how much I had to grovel so that they didn't call the police?" When she didn't respond I added, "How would I have explained that to Coach-nim and Omma?"

She looked away then but didn't respond. She took a gulp of beer down and continued eating.

"And how is it that you're the one who was in a fight and I'm the one with the bruise on my face?" I fake complained. "Not one scratch on you. Not one." I tried to sound stern but failed. Instead the line from my mouth sounded like a compliment, and I hoped she may be too angry to realize.

"This is entirely your fault," she said then, her mouth full. "Why do you have fans like them?"

"Na Jeong-ah... Fans like what?" I asked, pushing a glass of water closer to her. She was downing the beer like there was no tomorrow. When she didn't answer I added, "Besides, she's a kid."

At this she tensed up and put her chopsticks down. "She's not a kid... She's a grown person. Old enough to know better than to insult a lady to her face and think there won't be any consequences." She pointed an insistent finger at me. "You're dreaming if you think I will let anyone insult me."

"She insulted you?"

To be honest I wasn't even sure how the fight began. One second I was talking to Chun Gi, who was still asking me if I was sure Na Jeong wasn't my girlfriend, when I heard the furor and just looked up in time to see Na Jeong launch herself at the group of girls. By the time I had climbed the stairs along with some of my teammates, she was so into the fight that I couldn't even tell it was her except I saw the puffy balls from her cap bouncing around, like in a cartoon... And the fact that she was spewing out curse after curse, even as she pulled on some hair, even as she grabbed a shirt, even as she slapped some people silly and even as she threw some punches.

By the time I was able to grab her waist firmly and pull her off, she was breathing heavy, her eyes blazing. It had taken everything in me to not kiss her then she was so beautiful. Especially with the emotion spilling from her eyes, her breaths coming in heavy puffs. Before I could even ask her what happened, one of the girls she attacked started yelling from behind one of my teammates and I looked.

"I'm going to call the police," she said, fat tears gathering and falling from her eyes. Her friends stood behind her in various degrees of disbelief and disarray, all nodding and muttering that they will as well. "Someone give me a handphone," she said to one of her friends, "I want to press charges."

Na Jeong was cracking her fists and appeared to be getting ready to throttle her again. Motioning for Chun Gi to come closer, I asked him to negotiate on my behalf since it looked like I would need to stay firmly by Na Jeong's side to make sure she didn't get herself in any more trouble. It seemed apparent soon enough at least that the girls were fans of the baseball team, and after insisting on a number of things, such as autographed jerseys and selcas, and maybe a group date with some of the single guys present, myself excluded, to their dismay, they relented and agreed not to press charges.

Na Jeong sat across me, pushing the food on her plate around and studying it like it was the most interesting thing in the world. At least, though, somehow she looked calmer now, though her cheeks were still pink. Finally it seemed it was safe for me to start eating, and I picked up my chopsticks.

I had just taken a bite of the omelette when I heard her voice.

"Yah... Joon-ah... Do I look like Ahjumma?" She asked, eyes not quite meeting mine.

"Ummm..."

"I thought I was quite fashionable now, considering how I looked back when we were in university," she said. "I looked crazy then..."

"I thought you looked..." I was about to tell her that I always thought she looked lovely, then and now, but she seemed unaware as she continued speaking, more to herself than to me, her voice rising with each sentence.

"I mean, I know I'm not your girlfriend," she continued and the reminder of the way she had insisted to my friends and teammates that she was in no way, definitely not, my girlfriend brought a familiar pang in my chest. "But did she have to imply that I looked like an Ahjumma?"

"Was that what this fight had been about?" I asked then, amusement in my voice. Na Jeong has never been one to care much what people thought, but maybe I had been wrong about that. She is still a woman, after all.

## Na Jeong

"Yah... Joon-ah, do I look like an ahjumma?" I asked Joon and he looked genuinely surprised, as if it's the first time he's hearing of such thing.

"Ummm..." He hesitated and I felt self-conscious, putting my hands under the table. Curious to find out what he thought, I started babbling nervously. "I thought I was quite fashionable now, considering how I looked back when we were in university. I looked crazy then..."

"I thought you looked..."

"I mean, I know I'm not your girlfriend, but did she have to imply that I looked like an Ahjumma?"

I had been more upset at the reminder that my role in his life was undetermined, though I am loathed to admit it first. The old Na Jeong worried about stuff like that, not me. I'm a little more put together. At least I was until a few minutes ago. These new found feelings towards Joon, still unnamed and undifferentiated at this moment, left me decidedly off kilter.

"Was that what this fight had been about?" He asked then, as he took a drink of water.

"Yes," I answered, my voice a little more curt than I intended. "Let's talk about something else."

"Something else like what?" He asked, picking up the last of his egg and eating it.

"Do you like..." Me? I wanted to ask, but was too cowardly to do so. I took a sip of my water before I revised my approach. "Do you like seeing your old teammates?"

He gave me a contemplative smile before he answered. "Yeah," he replied. "You know I like seeing old friends. I don't make friends easily, so I tend to stay in touch with the ones I already have..."

The way he chewed and the way his mouth was moving as he spoke was distracting me. Does he realize, I wonder, how fascinated I am by him? How now, I catch myself most times warding off thoughts about him? I wanted to get to know him, every little thing. What makes him smile, what makes him tick. The dreams he hides from everyone else, the memories only he remembers. This curiosity could be my undoing. I was hungry for everything I could learn about him.

"Why do you think I love going back to the boarding house?" He sent a smile my way as he continued to speak. "All my friends are there..."

Of course.

I tried to stop the disappointment from registering before my heart recognized it. I swear I didn't dare hope that he came back on New Year's Eve for me.

"And I knew that's where you would be," he finished as he wiped his mouth with a napkin. His tone was serious but his eyes still had the same teasing light.

It seems I don't know nowadays how to take Joon. The lines between friendship and beyond friendship were blurring in front of me, and I knew not to endanger this precarious balance. Whatever is on the other side of friendship involves promises and commitments and broken hearts. It's not something I had dealt it well before, and I'm not entirely sure I am ready to embark on another one of those involvements.

My head knew this fact even as my heart protested. The conflicting thoughts were waging a war inside me and I felt myself caving until I thought of something.

Joon is not the type to go halfway. If he liked me he would tell me, just like he did years ago. He's not one to play these games, which leaves me to deduce that he is also still unsure of how he feels.

Which leads me right back to what the hell we were. Wanting to know the answer but too afraid to ask, I made the decision to keep my mouth shut.

I can't recall ever wanting to cross a line so badly, but we are better as we are. I kept on repeating this to myself even as his hand reached for my hand over the table. Even as I yearned to hear the words he told me six years ago. Even as I wondered how he would react if I were to climb over the table and kiss the smile from his face and take it for myself.

Yes, we are better as we are. The anticipation of what could be is always better than what is. I have learned this lesson the hard way. It will never be said that Sung Na Jeong never takes these lessons to heart.

## January 11, 2000

##  4:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

I have religiously kept up with my training routine since I have been home and it's not unusual for me to take a jog for an hour or two. I had just gotten back to the house in time before the downpour started.

I was surprised that the house seemed empty by the time I got back. Usually Omma was in the kitchen, getting dinner ready and Sook Sook was in the living room playing or doing his homework. Coach would arrive at exactly five o'clock, and then the rest of the gang would stagger in one by one, before the clock hits 6 o'clock.

I closed the door behind me before going to my room and grabbing some clean clothes. I took a shower leisurely, reflecting back on the last few days with Na Jeong. I think I am definitely making headway. Finally. It only took seven years and maybe the pretense of not knowing how to drive, but finally.

We just finished our second lesson yesterday, and I can't believe that I pretended to fail the test again. But it's worth it. It's worth it to catch her looking at me sometimes, her eyes curious. It's worth it to see her watching me when she thinks I am asleep on the bus, making me nervous, every single time. It's worth it to see the way she searches for me after class, then to see the joy that jumps in her eyes when our eyes meet.

Remembering all these things brought a warm feeling inside me and I started whistling I was so happy. I was still in a great mood when I exited the bathroom to see Binggrae about to knock at my door.

"I was wondering where you were," he said as I walked over to him.

"Why?" I asked. "What's up?"

"Samcheonpo just called. He and Yoon Jin want to know if we want to meet them for dinner," he said. "Omma and Coach went to Masan with Sook Sook when he got out of school. Looks like we have to fend for ourselves tonight."

He followed me as I opened the door to my room and sat down by the table as I pulled a sweatshirt out of the drawer.

"Haitai is already meeting with them and said that Ae Jung is busy anyway," he continued. "Jin Yi is working at the hospital tonight so I can't meet up with her either." He picked up the charm that was sitting on the table before putting it back down. "Are you in?"

"Is Na Jeong coming too?" I asked, trying to keep my expression flat when I saw the way Binggrae turned his head to look at me.

"You tell me," he said. "You two spend more time together than any of us. I bet you know exactly what time she gets home. I'm surprised you didn't get a handphone just so you can call her without any of us knowing."

"That's stupid," I said, as I lifted a piece of paper over the box of the handphone I bought. "But is she?"

"No," he finally said. "I called her a little while ago and she said she didn't feel well."

I pulled the sweatshirt over me. "I'll stay home, too." Binggrae didn't say anything else, though I felt his eyes grilling me. His silence was so loud, if that was possible, and I looked at him hard. "What?"

"You know I work with Hyung," he started quietly. I knew who he was talking about, even without his specifying. I stopped calling him Hyung, in thought and out loud, years ago. "He asked about Na Jeong. I got the feeling that there are things unresolved between them..." He paused and I looked at him questioningly.

"What's your point, Dong Joon-ah?" I asked. A few minutes passed and still he remained silent. "I know you're dying to say it so I wish you'd just spit it out."

He heaved a sigh before he walked towards me, putting a hand on my arm. "I know that you're going to do what you want to do," he said, pausing to take another deep breath. "But just... Just be careful."

I don't know how long we stood there, unspoken words passing between us. A roar of thunder broke through the quiescence and he pulled away.

"I'll see you later," he said, making his way out my door.

I stood by the window for a long while after he left, thinking back on his words. I know that he worries for me and I understand his concern. But telling me to be careful now seemed superfluous, as it's already too late for that. The rain seemed to intensify right before my eyes, reflecting the tumult that it going on inside me.

Na Jeong and I have spent so much time together in the last two weeks that you would think the novelty would have worn off by now. However, with each passing day I realize that my feelings have just become more and more serious. I frowned as I thought about my impending departure.

I walked back out to the living room to wait for Na Jeong, hell-bent on having the conversation that is long overdue between us, when I saw her umbrella sitting on the table. She must have forgotten it this morning in her haste to leave for work. I looked at my watch and saw that it was already 5:30 p.m. The bus will be arriving in about ten minutes. She will be walking home in the rain, getting wet.

Without another thought I grabbed the umbrella and left the house. Shielding her from the rain may not be a declaration of intention, but no matter. Maybe the walk will work up my courage. Maybe I can tell her, finally, how I feel.

## Na Jeong

My back hurts. I should have known better than to wear these shoes today. I should have checked the weather forecast before wearing the outfit I'm wearing. The tights were stuck on my legs like glue, soaked. There was water inside my boots and it made an unpleasant sloshing sound as I shifted my weight to my other foot. My hair hung limply around my face, my makeup gone now. I'm pretty sure my mascara has run.

It's been a horrendous day at work. We are about to make a bid for a fairly beneficial contract and our boss has been tense and demanding recently. Just today he yelled at me because he said he had given me a deadline on the project he had assigned, when I know for a fact he did not. I know how important this is for our company so I just shrugged it off. I anticipate that it will be this way until the proposal is out of the way and the contract is ours.

I didn't even get to eat breakfast today I had woken up so late. I've eaten nothing but the kimbap that Joon has taken to putting in my bag before work. I've been so busy that I'd almost forgotten what day it was today.

My head pounded incessantly and I rested it on my arm, but that pain didn't compare to the ache in my heart. I held a plastic bag in my other hand, the glasses clinking together as I adjusted my position. Miserable, downtrodden, and cold, I fought a shiver as I held onto the handle above me for balance. Just five more minutes. I'll be at my stop in five more minutes.

I rested for my eyes for what seemed like a second when I felt the bus stop. I secured my hold on both bags as I limped my way down the stairs and onto the puddle just outside the exit. Slowly, I made my way home, uncaring even that I was getting even wetter than I already was.

Hoon Oppa, happy birthday. I almost forgot... I'm sorry for that.

As I walked I wondered how it was possible that pain transcended time, how loss can feel so large that it never stops hurting, as if it just happened. I thought about how missing someone stayed with you no matter how much time has passed, no matter how far you've moved forward in life. I've lived twice as long without my Oppa as I did with him, and yet I missed him more with every passing day. He's never left me.

Are you having fun in heaven, Oppa? Are you making all the other kids laugh, just like you used to make me laugh when we were younger?

I smiled even as the tears started burning the back of my eyes remembering how funny my brother had been. In my memory this was how I remembered him... laughing, joking, playing pranks on me with Jung Gook Oppa.

I can almost imagine my brother shaking his head at me. Not for the first time in the last few years I wondered how he would have looked as an adult, what kind of dreams he would have had, what kind of person he would have been. The fact that he had died so young that I am left to imagine these things was what made the pain so staggering and so acute. How unfair that he never had the chance to grow up, to make mistakes like I have. He's never fallen in love, has never even known the pain of a broken heart. His life was one that had been barely lived, and the possibilities of what could have been... Life really is so fragile. I'm not usually prone to letting my emotions get the better of me nowadays, but today, my guard was down.

I was so lost in my thoughts as I rounded the corner to the house that I didn't notice that I had almost walked into another person. I muttered a soft apology even as I bent down to pick up the umbrella that was dropped. It wasn't until I looked up that I realized it was Chilbong, smiling at me as our eyes met.

I studied his face, his dark brown eyes now looking at me concernedly as he took the umbrella I had picked up and held it over my head. I was going to ask him where he was going and what he was doing here but the words felt stuck in my throat and I could only look at him. His hair was wet, and a droplet of water fell from a lock of hair, kissing his cheek.

The moment felt frozen in time, like a movie on pause. Like puzzle pieces clicking into place, something was shifting inside me. Undefinable, incomprehensible. Seeing his face was like a balm to my heart. It started beating to the sound of the rain hitting the pavement. My eyes devoured the sight of him, like he was the sunshine peeking behind all of the dark clouds. All at once I felt overwhelmed with emotion and I swallowed the tears that threatened to fall.

"Hey," he said.

I continued just looking at him, thinking about how it was that he always showed up when I needed someone. He always knew what to do and what to say, to put my heart at ease. Joon has always been at my side, all those years ago and even now. Even without declarations and promises, I knew he would be by my side. If I knew nothing else I knew that, more so now than I ever have. That I now depended on this, and on him, was disconcerting. Disappointment happens when expectations are set. As long we expected nothing from each other, neither one of us would get hurt.

The hand that was holding the umbrella moved a little closer to me, the rain now pelting at his shoulders. He lifted a hand to my cheek, and I leaned my face into his palm as he brushed a thumb over my wet cheek.

"You're soaked," he whispered, his eyes still searching mine. "Let's go home quickly before you get sick." When I still said nothing, he lightly added, "I'll make you some ramyun."

There were so many things I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to share. But he's not in the same place. He can't possibly be. We are just having fun, taking each day as it comes. He can't want something more serious, not when he's leaving again.

Kim Jae Joon, I thought. The boy who loved me years ago. My personal ramyun maker. My friend.

I have never hated the word now more than ever, but yet I am grateful for this. I am, I insisted, even as I knew I was only trying to convince myself. Afraid my mouth would start saying things before I could think about it I just nodded in response.

But still... Today... Just today, I felt a need to hold onto him, as if I had the right. I needed to feel something real and something true, something that will remind me that life is not as fleeting as it seemed, that there was a reason I was spared and not my brother.

Joon looked as if he was about to say something else when I walked towards him and wrapped my arms around his waist. Push me away, I thought. Surely you will if you knew what I was thinking, what I was feeling right now. I felt him over me, no doubt confused. He stayed silent, and for once I wish he would ask me the question that is hovering between us.

I don't even understand it, never having felt this way before. I rested my head on his chest, solid and strong, and allowed his presence to envelop me. I listened to the sound of his heart beating, even as mine echoed in response.

I would call this love except it doesn't feel like how I felt for Jung Gook Oppa. This may not be love, but here, in this moment, in his arms, I can surely, positively say, that it sure as hell felt like it.

## Chilbong

The rain only got stronger as I walked towards the bus stop. I should have brought a towel too, I thought, as I approached the corner. I have no doubt that Na Jeong would be wet already.

She'll probably be rushing home, moaning and complaining all the way. There might be a few curses in there as well. I held back a chuckle as I thought about her temper. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I went around the street corner not looking at where I'm going and bumped into someone.

I dropped the umbrella from my hand and it wasn't until I had bent down to retrieve it that I saw it was Na Jeong that I bumped into. Her hair was plastered to her head, streaks of mascara down her face. She handed me the umbrella wordlessly, and it wasn't until I was straightening my spine to stand up that I noticed her trembling, from the cold or from what, I wasn't quite sure.

Though I was immediately worried that something had happened I placed a smile on my face as her eyes met mine. I was taken aback by the sorrow and bereftness in her hazel eyes. There was a sheen of moisture behind them, as if she was on the verge of weeping. Her mouth kept opening and closing, as if she had something to say but was unable to do so.

The rain was falling heavily now, the drops hitting the ground violently. The clouds were dark and angry, but they didn't compare to the storm building in her eyes. The air was heavy, like it had a life of its own. It moved over me and through me in waves, and still she said nothing. Unsure of how to proceed, I could barely eke out a greeting.

"Hey."

She looked lost... Lost in thought, lost in memories, just... Lost. She was studying my face as if it was the only thing keeping her grounded to this moment, she was looking at me so deeply I wondered what she could possibly be thinking right now. I have never seen her like this. I have never seen her look at me like this.

Her lower lip was trembling and the rain continued to fall. It was only now that I noticed that she was drenched from head to toe, her clothes hanging off her slender frame. And with each minute that passed, with every minute that we stood here, that she was getting wetter and wetter still.

I moved the umbrella to cover more of her, uncaring that the rain was falling over my back, thinking that it must be the rain that has left her this way. Putting a hand to her cheek to warm her up, she closed her eyes and leaned into my palm as soon as I made contact.

"You're soaked," I said quietly. "Let's go home quickly before you get sick." Her face remained expressionless and I would have said anything then just to see her smile. "I'll make you some ramyun."

When even that didn't work, my concern intensified. It's not like Na Jeong to be so quiet. I quickly started thinking of other things I could say to get her to smile, to see the life jump back in her eyes. Before I could say anything else, though, she strode over closer to me and wrapped her arms around my waist.

The arm that wasn't holding the umbrella automatically wrapped around her waist, and our bodies pressed together now, I could definitely feel her shaking like a leaf. She felt so slight in my arms, so painfully fragile. She rested her head on my chest and I was struck by a feeling akin to tenderness. I wanted to protect her, from whatever she was feeling even.

Her fingers were holding onto me so tightly I could barely breathe, not from the pressure, but because we have never ever been this close. It didn't matter that I was now as wet as she was. What could have possibly happened that she was this way?

I looked down at her face to see her with her eyes shut, an ear pressed close to my chest. She didn't seem to need my words, only my presence and so I stayed where I stood. I would have stayed here forever like this if that's what she needed.

We stood together, arms around each other, not saying anything. I savoured the feel of her against me, her head tucked into the safety of my chest. I ran a hand down her wet hair, down a slim shoulder. At least her trembling has stopped.

I should get her home. I should make her some food. I should buy her some medication, to make sure she doesn't get sick. I should call her parents, in case something is going on. I should ask her what's wrong. My mind ran over the things I should do, my eyes looking out in front of me. The feel of her hand on my jaw brought my attention back to her and I saw that she had lifted her head and that her eyes were now fixed on me.

Her eyes were still unfocused, glazed. They were soft, breathtaking, and incredible. Her lips was only a breath away from mine and my eyes lingered over them.

Her mouth opened slightly and she licked her bottom lip as she touched my face. My heart started beating faster, my hand frozen over her shoulder.

Kiss her. Kissherkissherkissherkissher.

Shaking myself I gently took her arm and started leading her back towards the boarding house, berating myself for thinking about kissing her, when she's obviously not in her right mind, berating myself for not kissing her, when it had seemed she wanted me to.

She leaned her body into me as we walked together, her hand finding my hand, her palm resting trustingly over mine. It's a good thing I didn't kiss her... It will just colour things and make it more confusing.

The next time I kiss her, should there be a next time, I want her in her full faculties. Conscious, willing. I don't want any more excuses of being intoxicated, of not knowing what she was doing. I want to kiss her when she is able to admit that she wants to kiss and she wants to kiss only me.

This surrender has to happen both ways. She deserves that and so do I.

## Na Jeong

By the time I was finished washing up, Joon was making ramyun. He, too, had changed his clothing, his back now covered in a thick sweater, his legs in jeans. It was a rare occasion that he didn't have his cap on, and his thick hair was brushed back from his forehead. I quietly sat down at the table and watched him as he continued preparing food, seemingly unaware that I was watching him.

He moved around our kitchen with ease, pulling small bowls out of the cupboards, dishing up small batches of banchan. He cracked an egg with one hand over the pot, and then another. The way he moved was graceful, comfortable. Much like how he looks on the baseball field. Much like how he moves towards me.

I pressed my fingers to my lips as I recalled the way he looked at me outside. I could have sworn he was about to kiss me. My breath had hitched, as if my body just realized how close he was. But then he turned away, taking my arm instead, leading me back to the house. He silently handed me a towel and guided me to my room, where I grabbed some clean clothes and went to the bathroom to clean up.

I had washed my face quickly and brushed my teeth. I had towel dried my hair and left it to dry. Even now, completely changed, a little more put together, I still felt exposed and vulnerable, my emotions unguarded.

It's just one of those days, I told myself. It's your brother's birthday... Of course you would be like this today.

Just then Joon noticed me sitting at the table and some bowls and utensils. He still hasn't asked what happened, still hasn't enquired as to what was wrong. I was thankful. I don't think I have the strength to talk about Hoon Oppa yet.

He went back to the counter and picked up the small dishes of cabbage kimchi, radish kimchi, and some potato salad. After placing them on the table, he returned to the stove and picked up the ramyun pot with a tea towel. In slow steps he made his way back to the table and carefully placed the pot between us.

"Thank you for the food," I said as he sat down and he gave me a bemused grin.

He lifted the lid off the pot and I leaned closer to take a whiff. He cocked his head to one side as he watched me pick up my chopsticks to serve myself. Hissing when the hot liquid sloshed over my finger in my haste, he clucked his tongue at me then took my bowl.

"Na Jeong-ah," he said, not meeting my eyes, "You must be feeling a bit better."

He handed me the bowl and I took a quick spoonful of the broth before answering. "Yeah."

I anticipated that the questions will come then, but he surprised me yet again by tucking into his food, only occasionally looking at me attentively to make sure I was eating. We continued eating in this way, in silence. It would be an uncomfortable silence had it not been with Joon. With him, however, the reticence was comforting, liberating even. It gave me space to organize my thoughts, to regroup.

I watched him as he ate, his hands automatically giving me more ramyun as my food dwindled, checking that I had enough water. I found myself staring at his hands, his arms, and his face. Awareness bubbled inside me, the same as it was on New Year's Eve, the same as it is every time we are together. And yet... Yet it was also different.

I had felt it earlier, in the rain. I had dismissed the emotion, chalked it up to the fact that I was a little unhinged, a little vulnerable. But now my senses are all intact, and I am put together once more, and still it persisted. What had always been simple awareness seems to have given way to something deeper, something stronger, and something infinitely scarier. It simmered inside me, a painful longing, a deep yearning for something I have never known. That I couldn't pinpoint what it was that I wanted but knew exactly who I wanted it from was a revelation, one I wasn't sure that I welcomed. It terrified the hell out of me.

Words were hovering on the tip of my tongue. I like you. You make me happy. Stay with me. I wanted to say it out loud, wanted to scream it out loud. But I didn't.

Because I had done that before, with someone else, someone whose name still brings an ache to my heart. Never having fully examined if it was because of love or because of our history, it wasn't fair for me to be asking Joon for anything that I myself am not in any position to give. I had given my heart once to someone else, and though that relationship had ended, I'm not entirely sure I got my heart back whole. That ending had hooked itself onto a part of me and there it stayed, waiting for the day that I may be able to find a resolution, whatever that may be.

Leave things as they are, the voice inside me urged. If Joon wanted to know something he would ask. If he wanted you to know something he would tell you. He has said nothing. Leave things as they are.

Bitter disappointment rose inside me so quickly that I had to put on a facade to make sure that Joon doesn't see.

Tae Hoon Oppa, tell me what to do. I wish you were here right now to tell me what to do.

It's during times like this that I feel the loss of my brother so acutely. Even as a child, he was very intuitive. I know with certainty that he would have carried that sense of self knowledge with him through adulthood, just as I know that had he been here right now, he would surely cluck his tongue at the mess I've made of everything.

Today is just not my day. I had anticipated this, of course, and had made a pre-emptive run to the liquor store before coming home, as has become my tradition every year on this day since I was able. What I didn't anticipate however, was that I would be beset not just with grief over my brother, but uncertainty about the future of my heart as well.

I need a drink.

I looked at Joon, his hand poised to pick up another piece of radish kimchi and attempted a smile.

"Joon-ah," I said. "Want to have some soju with me?"

It wasn't until I had taken a glance at the table that I realized we had finished three bottles of soju, and were well on our way through our fourth. I don't know how much I've drunk, but judging from the pleasant buzz that I now felt and an insane need to wink at Joon, I think I've had a lot.

Joon sat in front of me across the table, his mouth in a half smile. My own mouth twitched in response, watching enviously as he ran a hand through his hair. I want to do that.

We didn't speak much as we drank, both seemingly lost in our own thoughts. The phone rang a little while ago, and it had been Omma and Appa, wanting to let me know that they will be staying in Masan tonight, having missed the last bus to Seoul. When I asked Joon where the rest of the gang was he had responded that they were all out to dinner. So it seemed it was just us at home, for a little while at least.

"Joon-ah..."

"Hmm?" He asked, looking up from his drink and into my eyes.

"How come you didn't end up going out with the rest of our friends?" I asked, my words just a little slurred.

"It just happened that way," he said, shrugging his shoulders. His hands were resting on the table, just a few inches away from mine.

I wondered if I could casually touch them, and the direction of my thoughts made my cheeks flush. He brought the shot up to his mouth and swallowed in one go, his lips glistening with the liquid.

If I kissed him now, would he taste of soju too, like he did on New Year's Eve? It seemed so long ago now, and yet not so long ago. I've replayed that night over and over in my head, more times than I would want to admit. It had been a breathtaking, incredible, soul searching kiss. A kiss full of promise and yet, he's made no move to kiss me again since.

His lips are so soft. And his eyes... such a dark brown at first glance but they have flecks of light brown up close. Really really up close.

I want to see them now.

Impulsively I stood up and went towards him in unsteady steps, my head growing lightheaded as soon as I was on my feet. Just when I thought my knees would buckle under me and I would find myself on the floor, Joon had stood up and supported me, a strong arm around my back, and a warm hand on the base of my spine.

"Oops," I whispered, my eyes fixed on his mouth.

Joon was studiously looking everywhere but me. Curiously I ran my fingers through his hair, something I haven't done since New Year's Eve. I almost sighed as I did it, content that it was as smooth as I remembered, happy that my memories didn't betray me. My fingers traced his ears and moved down his neck. I touched him lightly, and wondered if I was doing a subtle enough job. I don't want him knowing that I can't stop myself from touching him.

If I could just, I thought, as I ran the tip of my finger over the pulse on his neck, touch him like this he wouldn't even know that my hands are on him. Just like on the bus. He didn't know then either.

I laughed to myself silently, the soft giggles ending in a hiccup. I glanced at his face to see if he noticed, but his attention was still fully focused on the wall behind me.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah," I said. "I'm good."

I leaned my head towards him, my lower lip caught between my teeth. I wanted to nip his jaw. Just a little nibble. I could feel his hand still on my back, his fingers warm even through the shirt I was wearing. I wish they would pull me closer. My hands moved to his shoulder, my eyes fixed on his collarbones. He'll probably freak out if I kissed that spot. I sneaked a glance at his face, but he wouldn't look at me.

I felt dizzy, but I wasn't sure whether it was from the alcohol or from Joon, but I didn't care. For a little while, I didn't want to think. I just wanted to enjoy and to feel. I didn't want to worry about labels and pasts. I didn't want the pain of remembering ones I lost. This is what Hoon Oppa would want me to do... To live my life to the absolute fullest, to take each day as it comes. To do what I want to do.

And right now, there's nothing else I'd rather do than to touch Joon. I wetted my lips when I saw him peering down at me, and I thought I saw him look away quickly when our eyes met.

"Na Jeong-ah," he croaked.

"Hmm?"

"Let's get you to your room," he said, his voice hoarse. "I think you've had enough to drink."

"I'm not drunk," I protested, even as I felt him guiding me out of the kitchen. "I'm not..."

The motion from the walking hit me strong then, and I felt like the world was spinning. My stomach registered it a little slower than my head, and I broke away just in time to go to the bathroom and throw up into the toilet.

The bathroom floor felt solid under my knees, and it felt good. I felt Joon's hand holding my hair back, then on my back, rubbing up and down in comforting strokes. He didn't berate me for drinking too much, nor lecture me for knowing my limits and ignoring it anyway. He just continued to stand behind me, keeping me sitting up.

When at last I was done, I slid myself onto the floor, which was so blessedly cool. I just wanted to rest my head, which had already begun pounding, there. I was just about to lie down when I heard Joon's voice.

"Oh no, you don't," he said, lifting me up to my feet.

He continued to stand next to me as I swayed, woozy from all the activity. He leaned me by the sink, then uncapped the mouthwash from the cabinet before pouring a small amount into a glass.

"Here," he said, offering it to me.

"You can't drink mouthwash, Joon-ah," I said slowly, giggling. "We still have soju."

"If you go to bed like this, your mouth will feel awful in the morning," he replied. "I don't want you to drink it. Just swish it around."

I took the glass and did as he asked. The mint was strong, and I didn't want to do it, but one look at his face and I did it. He looked so concerned I would have done anything to erase that worry.

"Now spit," he said, and I complied.

He then led me to my room, and sat me down on the side of the bed before laying me down slowly. As soon as my head hit my pillow my eyes fluttered close, exhausted now. I heard the door close and thought that Joon had left, until I heard it open again.

"Na Jeong-ah," he said, urging me to sit up. I almost cried in protest but he wouldn't relent.

"I don't want to," I cried. "I don't want to. I just want to sleep... Is that too much to ask? You're so mean..." I continued my tirade, replete with some choice curses, even as I felt a chuckle go through him. I would have kept on complaining had I not heard his voice, mildly amused, speak again.

"Nae sarang," he said and I stopped. Did I hear him wrong? No one has ever referred to me as their beloved before. Even in my hazy state I'm pretty sure I heard him call me that, didn't he? I was going to ask him to repeat himself but he just carried on speaking. "I have some pills. You have to take it now or you'll have a hangover in the morning. You have work tomorrow."

"I don't want to," I protested feebly, though I know it was no use, since he had already propped me up on a pillow. Did he really say that? I was still thinking to myself. Remember, Sung Na Jeong. I willed myself not to forget so that I can ask him about it when I was a bit more sober.

"Yah, Na Jeong-ah, " he said as he placed two pills in my mouth. The bitterness of them made me pull a face and he smiled. "You'll thank me tomorrow."

I took a sip of water and swallowed them down, thinking how lucky he was that I trusted him, thinking of how lucky I was to have him next to me. He laid me back down and I wished he would lie down next to me but he did not. I heard some movements around the room and though I wondered what he was doing, I couldn't muster enough energy to ask. I felt steady hands tucking covers around me then and I burrowed closer into my bed.

It wasn't until I felt a brush of a hand against the side of my face that I realized he still hasn't left. "Joon-ah," I whispered, my mouth curving up into a smile. My eyes were already closing, surrendering to sleep. He had just pulled his hand away when I reached out and grabbed it and held it close to me. "I was having a bad day because of Oppa..."

## Chilbong

I had watched quietly as Na Jeong had taken another shot of soju, studying the three bottles that had stood empty on the kitchen table, two of which, I'm pretty sure she had finished on her own.

She had been trying so hard to be light-hearted, but I had seen right through it. I am the expert when it came to hiding emotions, after all. She probably thought I wouldn't notice that her smile faded when I wasn't looking directly at her, how she had kept her hands together when she wasn't grabbing a drink. I had allowed her the silence and the peace. There is a time to ask questions, and now was not it.

It wasn't until she had stood up that I knew she had drunk entirely too much. Her movements were slow and measured, and I saw the way she almost walked into the corner of the table on her way to where, I hadn't been sure. Quickly I stood up as well, to catch her before she fell. I had endured her eyes, looking at me like she wanted to get inside my brain. It took all the willpower I had in me not to look her in the face and drown in her gaze. I would have been perfectly fine had she not started touching me. Her fingers were curious in their exploration, and I felt the path they took. I tried to not let myself get distracted, until I felt her leaning into my chest, lips puckered.

I had made a resolve earlier today not to do anything when I wasn't sure where her mind was. And so I led her to her room, only for her to get sick in the bathroom.

I had patted her back, held her hair back from her face. I had her rinse her mouth before taking her to her bed. Once I was sure she was safely there, I had ran back to the bathroom cabinet and grabbed some medication before going back to the kitchen and getting some water for her to drink.

I had known she was going to throw a fit when I disturbed her again, had anticipated her protests. She looked so adorably miffed I had to chuckle. Her hair was still slightly wet, her cheeks pink.

"I don't want to," she insisted as I sat her up. "I don't want to. I just want to sleep... is that too much to ask? You're so mean..." Her lovely face was caught in a frown, her brows narrowed in annoyance. She started cursing then, at me, about me. I would have taken it all to have her take these damn pills.

"Nae sarang," I said quietly before I could stop myself, hoping that she didn't hear me. "I have some pills. You have to take it now or you'll have a hangover in the morning. You have work tomorrow."

"I don't want to."

She can keep insisting that she doesn't want it, but she will still have to take it. I took one of her pillows and placed it behind her, coaxing her to stay sitting up.

"Yah, Na Jeong-ah," I said as she kept her lips fully closed for two seconds before I finally urged her to open her mouth, depositing the pills there. She made a face and I had to hold myself back from placing a kiss on her forehead she was so adorable. "You'll thank me tomorrow."

I watched as she took the water I was offering and downed the pills. It wasn't until I was sure she had taken them that I breathed a sigh of relief. I laid her back down gently on her pillows and made sure that she had taken her slippers off. I turned the lamp off and made sure her windows and curtains were closed. I tucked her covers more closely around her shoulders and allowed a brush of my hand against the side of her face.

"Joon-ah," she whispered, her eyes fluttering shut. I was just pulling my hand away when I felt her fingers grabbing it firmly. "I was having a bad day because of Oppa. Today I really missed Oppa a lot and you made me forget how hard it is to be without him. There are a lot of things you don't know."

She stopped speaking then and I took a deep breath. Finally, at least, she has given me an idea of what was bothering her today, why she had been so quiet since I met her outside. The fact that it had been about Jung Gook Sunbae didn't even bother me... At least not overly much. He was in her life for a long time. It was only natural and expected that she would miss him. I knew even when she didn't speak of it. It's okay, I told myself, even as my heart couldn't help but feel a pang. It's okay.

Her breathing slowed down and I knew she had fallen asleep. Her hands were still holding onto mine, and I pulled it away from her grasp. I was just making my way towards her door when I heard her voice again.

"Joon-ah," she called out, her voice plaintive. "I... I like..."

I stopped walking to listen to her finish her sentence. You like what? I wanted to ask. You like what? When she said no more, I shook my head and released a breath.

Closing the door quietly behind me I tried not to think too hard about what she was about to say. She's drunk, genuinely drunk this time. Who knows what she was about to say? She might have just been about to say how she liked ramyun, how she liked soju. She could like anything. The possibilities are endless. That's okay.

That she would allow me to share in these moments with her now was what mattered. That her eyes would light up when she sees me is enough.

Slow and steady wins the race. I can be both, at least until the right timing presents itself anyway. As long as she turns to me when she needs someone, I can wait.

The hope that something had indeed changed between us continued to burn inside me. And until she says or does anything that would tell me that it was not so, that hope will persevere. The possibility of what Na Jeong and I could be was worth the wait.

## January 16, 2000

##  6:00 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

"Oh! Is this the time now?" I said while glancing at my watch. "I don't think we'll have time to eat. It's almost time for the movie."

Joon and I have managed to spend practically every waking moment away from training (his) and work (mine) together. It became increasingly difficult to find places to go where we had no chance of running into Omma, Appa, Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin, Binggrae or Haitai, so like today, I treated our driving lesson like a date. Whereas I passed all the exams at my first try, unfortunately for him, he failed. Thrice. So we have to keep going back which was a blessing in disguise. The bus seems to be the only place we can hold hands without feeling self-conscious. I liked having these hours just between us. When he mentioned to me that he was leaving for America in three weeks, I knew we had to enjoy the time we have left together.

We were doing everything couples do. Except we aren't a couple. To this day Chilbong hasn't said one word about officially dating. A small part of me feels relieved. With him leaving again soon, I felt no pressure to define what we are. It is what it is, I thought. I am done being the person who worries all time about the future. I've learned that even with the best plans nothing is guaranteed. But the bigger part of me was disappointed. With a heavy heart I realized that I am not as changed as I'd like to believe.

This morning Haitai had informed us about receiving free movie tickets and we all agreed to meet up after our driving lesson. Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin are currently fighting, but Binggrae promised he would be there as well. Hearing my stomach growl, I suggested, "Should we just eat some bread then?"

Chilbong turned to me and shrugged his shoulders. "Sure. There are a lot of bakeries in Jongno." He paused as if thinking. "Ah right. I found a really good bakery when I came back to Korea."

"Really? What's it called?"

"But it has a really unique name, you know. It sounds like some kind of dinosaur too. Tous.... Tous les jaurus." He looked unsure as to its pronunciation and was writing it out on my palm as if to read.

"What was that?" I blinked at him a few times. I have never heard of a bakery that sounded like a dinosaur.

"Well it's something like that. Tous les jaurus," he responded.

"Tous les jaurus?" I echoed back. "It sounds like it's from Europe too."

When we arrived at the bakery I saw its name. Tous les Jours. I almost burst out laughing but controlled my expressions, "Is this it?"

"Yeah... It isn't called that?" He looked so awkward while waiting for my answer.

"No, you're right. That's what it's called. Joon-ah, go buy me some bread there."

"Na Jeong-ah, what do you want?"

Unable to help myself, I responded with a serious expression. "1 tyrannosaurus, 2 kentrosaurus, 4 ammonites... No, never mind. Just get me a Jurassic Park set."

"Oh, okay. A Jurassic Park set." As he walked in I started laughing to myself. Sometimes the old Chilbong I knew still made an appearance. Often in very endearing and amusing ways. A few minutes later he came back out with a bag. "Let's go."

"What did you end up getting?" I knew for a fact Tous les Jours does not sell dinosaur shaped breads.

"The Jurassic Park set like you asked," he said while handing me a piece. I looked at it closely and damn if it didn't look like a dinosaur. I was still thinking about how he managed to get his hands on this when I noticed people turning towards our direction.

"Yah, Joon-ah, put your cap low. People will recognize you."

He did as I asked without question. I would have to be blind not to notice that he commands attention everywhere he goes. He used to be recognized, of course, but now everyone knows him. He takes it all in good stride but I don't want him unable to enjoy his life because people won't stop bothering him. We continued to eat until we saw Haitai approach us with his girlfriend, Ae Jung.

"Na Jeong-ah," I heard Haitai say.

Acknowledging Haitai with a smile, I greeted Ae Jung warmly. Haitai looked at her with a smug smile, pointed at Chilbong and said, "I told you it wasn't a lie, right?" As recognition grew on her face she looked at Chilbong in surprise. "I'm a big fan."

"Ahh. I heard you guys met again before the Millennium," Chilbong said. "Us too." I looked at him suddenly. His voice was so casual so I couldn't decipher if there were any hidden meanings behind it. Did he just compare us to Haitai and Ae Jung like we were a couple? Omo. That has to mean something right?

Before I could ask him what he meant, Haitai and Ae Jung had already gone into the cinema. When I asked about Binggrae, Haitai told me that he and Jin Yi decided on another film. Chilbong and I followed and we soon took our seats. Sitting with Ae Jung to my right and Chilbong to my left, I noted with a slight tinge of envy how openly affectionate Haitai and Ae Jung were. They were able to nuzzle each other and keep their heads close even as other people watched. When will Chilbong and I be able to do that?

I looked over at Chilbong and he was speaking to someone on his left. Huh. I didn't there was anyone here that he knew. Their brief conversation was so low I didn't get to hear any words, and soon the movie started. As soon as the lights dimmed I felt a familiar hand grab mine. I turned to him and smiled.

## Chilbong

As soon as I felt a tap on my shoulder I knew it was no stranger asking for something random. It had been a reporter confirming that it was me. I tried to be respectful but I couldn't help but feel uncomfortable about the situation. I don't mind people nosing about my life. I expect that when I have a well-publicized career. But Na Jeong doesn't need that and I will do everything I need to do to protect her from it.

We still never spoke about what we were to each other. I didn't want to jinx what we had, feeling like we were hanging at a delicate balance, especially after two days ago, so I didn't bring it up and she didn't seem bothered either way. It worried me to realize that I had wanted her to ask. The Na Jeong from years ago would have told me to tell her exactly what I thought of her and where this was heading. But then again the Na Jeong from years ago was in love with someone else. At this thought I felt a heaviness settling around my heart. Again, She still hasn't brought up that topic again. Sometimes even as I held her close, I felt like she was still a million miles away. She used to be the most transparent person I knew, but now there are times when I can't get a read on her emotions. l tried to ignore it when I see her nervously looking at her phone, or how she turns away when Binggrae mentions Jung Gook's name. Unfortunately that was an impossible task. Not when the sadness seeps in so suddenly or she clams up and makes an excuse to spend time alone.

I looked at her as she watched the movie intently. What thoughts are you hiding, Na Jeong-ah? What won't you let me see? Her hand in mine should have reassured me she was here... All of her. But I feared her heart was still caught elsewhere. It scared me to think that the future of my heart was again dependent on hers. I spent the rest of the film lost in my thoughts, unable to concentrate on anything but my fears.

An hour and a half later, we were making our way out of the theatre when I spotted the reporter from the corner of my eye. I made an excuse to get away from our group so I could speak to him directly.

"You're going to write an article about me and her, aren't you?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Please don't."

"She's your girlfriend though, right?" he asked, insistent.

"Not yet, no," I denied, and he looked at me in disbelief. "It's just me liking her. If, at any point we become official, I will tell you first. So I am asking for your discretion today."

He looked like he was going to say no first. But then he looked at me in understanding and agreed.

When I got back Na Jeong asked me where I had been. I merely told her I got lost going to the bathroom. I saw the reporter watching us from across the way and gave him a respectful bow. He bowed back in return. Turning back to the group Haitai kept wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at me as the girls were talking about getting something to eat. Hint received. Since it was also late, I told Na Jeong we have to go home and to leave the couple alone.

Finally alone ourselves, Na Jeong snaked her arm around my waist as we walked. I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer.

"Na Jeong-ah, do you like the colour red or blue?" I asked suddenly.

"I like red." She paused as if thinking.

"Red?" I questioned her. "I thought you liked blue."

"Yeah, I did like blue, but now I like red." she said. "Don't count on that, though, I will change my mind again in a few months."

She was talking about colours, but my heart heard something else. I felt a familiar apprehension at the pit of my stomach, and I had to take a deep breath before continuing.

"How about alcohol? Soju, makgulli or sake?" I asked quietly.

"Yah, Joon-ah, are you trying to get me to spill all my secrets? Ah... In the winter I prefer soju. On an autumn day, makgulli is the best and there's nothing like chilled sake to cool you off on a hot summer day."

"Do you always change your preferences?" My voice was calm. It betrayed no emotion and I was thankful for that, at least.

"I don't always have to make a choice and sometimes I don't want to," she answered teasingly. "What I want can change every day. Joon-ah, people are allowed to change their minds."

Not everyone changes their minds. I didn't. She seems happy now, but will she change her mind about you too? The voice inside my head asked. I had hoped that this time was different, but now I feared that everything was still the same. I became a little boy again, waiting for any sign of acknowledgment from my absent parents. I was transported back to four years ago when falling in love taught me that matter what I did, sometimes it is still not enough. That I am still not enough. I have learned to be happy with whatever was offered to me, no matter how inadequate or small. I was used to being no one's priority. My parents chose themselves over me. Na Jeong chose him over me.

But just once I want to hear that no matter the season, the circumstance or what other options were available, that I am her choice. A long buried insecurity made itself known again. The dread that was firmly lodged in my stomach spread quickly to the rest of my body until I felt almost paralyzed by it.

With Na Jeong unaware of the turmoil inside me we continued to walk side by side on the path to the house when she took my arm and led me towards the back of the stairs, where no one could see us. She took a deep breath and said, "Joon-ah, now that you're done asking questions, I have one that I'd like to ask. We've spent a lot of time together recently... Why haven't you kissed me again?"

She looked at me directly as she waited for my answer. Surprised by her question I quickly masked what I was feeling. I felt a lump form in my throat and my voice sounded hoarse when I finally responded.

"I want to hear you say it."

"Say what? That I wanted you to kiss me? I think I just did by asking you, right? Do I have to say it in so many words?"

"Not that," I replied, then paused before clearing my throat. "I want to hear you say my name."

"When? When do you want me to say your name?" She looked momentarily puzzled and she bit her bottom lip.

Say it when you're happy or when you're sad. Say it when you're feeling lost or when something amazing happens. Say it when you wake up or when you go to sleep. You can even say it when you're angry. None of those things matter. As long as when someone asks you who you love, you will just say my name.

Unable to say what was really in my heart, I responded with just one word. "Now."

"Chilbong," she started playfully. "Bong-ah." She stood in front of me and took my cap off. Her eyes growing more serious she started running her finger down my nose. "Joon-ah." Her finger landed on my lips. "Joon." Her eyes not leaving mine, she finally said, "Kim. Jae. Joon."

My lips descended on hers before she even finished speaking. Kissing her with the desperation of a condemned man, I felt her body stiffen in surprise and then soften in surrender. I kissed her for the lonely little boy inside me, the boy whose heart she broke four years ago and the man who is in love with her now. The world disappeared and all I could feel was Na Jeong. I was lost to the smell of her hair and the feel of her lips. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I held her close to me, so close that I can feel all her curves and angles against my body. When I licked her bottom lip she opened her mouth eagerly. I heard her moan when my tongue met hers and a growl escaped my throat when I felt her run her fingers through my hair. Feeling myself losing control, I tried to slow down, but she put her hands under my jacket and I can feel them on my chest, on my back and on my neck. I felt like I was burning up wherever she touched me and I had to rein myself in when I felt her nails dig into my shoulders. My hands moved restlessly on her back and I felt her shiver when I touched a patch of bare skin on the back of her neck.

I tried to express with my lips all the things that I wouldn't and couldn't say out loud. "Na Jeong-ah," I whispered against her lips. I uttered her name like it was my salvation and my prayer. She tasted sweet, her mouth so giving and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I will never get tired of this. Knowing that I was close to breaking point I forced myself to pull away. When I opened my eyes I saw her looking at me with a shaken look in her eyes. With her hair still mussed from my hands and her lips bruised from my kiss, I could do nothing but look at her. My heartbeat was roaring in my ears and it felt like my eyes were looking through a haze.

All the progress I had made in the last few years dissipated, in one fell swoop. The ground felt unsteady under my feet and I had to lean on the post for support. I felt raw and vulnerable, all my fears pushed up to the surface. I realized that I am standing at another precipice in my life and that in falling in love with Na Jeong again, I just gave her the power to break me.

I retreated a step, trying to get away from her, but Na Jeong just kept coming closer. Looking at her I suddenly wanted to ask what she wanted from me. Am I here for this moment or for her lifetime? Before I could even speak she leaned towards me until her mouth was level with my ear.

"It's after midnight," she whispered softly. "Jae Joon-ah, happy birthday."

This is enough, I thought, trying to convince myself. For now this is enough.

For now this is enough.

##

## Na Jeong

"Na Jeong-ah," he whispered, his lips still on mine. My heart was racing, his fingers pressed firmly on my back.

If I had known this would happen, I thought as sensation after sensation crashed into me, then I would have asked him why he hasn't kissed me again sooner. His lips were soft but insistent, and he tasted of winter and desire. I felt his hands on my hair, and my fingers rested on the back of his neck. His body was warm and I tried to press myself closer to him. When I realized what I was doing, my eyes flew open in alarm, only to see him still with his eyes closed, his handsome face lost in the moment.

And I was lost, too.

I kept watching him as we kissed, his mouth performing magic on me. It felt like I was floating, my senses acutely aware of Joon all around me. I narrowed my brows when it hit me that I don't want to ever stop doing this, I don't ever want to kiss anyone else.

He opened his eyes as he pulled away, and I was surprised at how shaken I felt.

This is bad. This is very bad.

He said nothing but the intensity in his eyes spoke so much. I'm trying to hide it but the expression on his face just reflected everything I'm feeling right now. Fear, hope... they were all simmering inside me, even as I unsuccessfully tried to get my thoughts in order.

I wanted to tell him something, to tell him how I felt, but uncertainty made me a coward and I didn't. Instead I just watched as he took a retreating step away from me, the hardness settling back into his eyes.

Oh no, you don't, I thought. I'm not the only one feeling this way. I'm not the only one falling this way.

I walked towards him even as he continued looking at me warily, though he stayed right where he stood. When I was a foot away, I leaned my body towards him, until my face was by his ear.

"It's after midnight," I greeted him softly. "Jae Joon-ah, happy birthday."

He remained silent, motionless. His hands were clenched at his sides as if he was fighting the urge to hold me again. He wouldn't meet my eyes and confused as to why he now appeared to be a million miles away, I did the only thing I could to try to bring him back to me.

I lifted a hand to his face and urged for him to turn my way. Our faces were only inches apart, and the pained expression in his gaze took me aback. I get it, I wanted to say, I'm just as afraid as you are.

I traced his forehead slowly with my fingers, then over his eyebrows. My fingers wandered down the bridge of his nose, then settled on his lips. I saw his sharp intake of breath and smiled.

We continued this way, standing in the shadow of the stairs that would lead us to the boarding house, unable to speak. The smile on my face disappeared when I realized that what I feel for Joon is nowhere near as simple as I wanted to believe.

I've made a mistake, I thought, trying to alleviate the panic rising in my chest. I've made a mistake not asking him any questions as to how he felt for me. Because this... What I'm feeling, though I am hesitant to label it, is more than just friendship. A lot more, if I was being honest.

Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.

I bit back the words that my heart was begging for me to say. Please, love me.

He was searching my eyes, and I fought to keep my feelings hidden. I will not burden a man who will be leaving again with this, at least, not yet.

The light on the porch turned on and we pulled away from each other, moment broken. Wordlessly he took my hand as we walked up the stairs, only to drop it again as we were walking through the door. This never-ending cycle of advancing and retreating has to stop. I can't do this anymore.

I will sleep on it and tell him tomorrow, I thought. I will definitely tell him tomorrow.

## January 17, 2000

##  2:00 am

##  Chilbong

I was surprised when we came home to see an impromptu party set up in the upstairs sitting room. Haitai was still out, but Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin and Binggrae were all there. Though I was still reeling from earlier, I couldn't well refuse to celebrate my own birthday. So I sat myself down and pasted a smile on my face when they sang me a birthday song and presented me with cake. To wind down, we sat around drinking as we always do.

An hour and a half later, Na Jeong was already winking at me. Yoon Jin sat across from her, her eyes half closed. I was about to ask Samcheonpo to help Yoon Jin to her room when she opened her eyes and started pointing at Na Jeong.

"Yah, you bad girl. I know you're dating. I'm your best friend... How can you not tell me? Don't even try to deny it. I see you giggling to yourself like... Ten... No... A hundred times a day," she said. Na Jeong didn't answer but merely rested her head on the sofa.

Even with my horrible mood, I couldn't help but feel the rush of undiluted pleasure upon hearing that. I was trying to hide my grin when I heard Samcheonpo speak.

"Dating? Ahh... She must be talking to Sseureki Hyung again." Directing his gaze towards me and Binggrae, he added in a conspiratorial whisper, "You know I just found out that they never really broke up? So that means they're technically still engaged. I wonder if they'll actually go through the wedding this time."

Upon hearing that, I felt rather than saw Binggrae's concerned look. Saying nothing, I took a shot of soju. Binggrae quickly changed the topic and pretty soon he and Samcheonpo were talking about something else. I stayed silent while I attempted to digest this bit of information. Wondering if this was why she never talks about Sunbae, I questioned if Na Jeong has seen or spoken to him since she returned from Australia. I have so many questions but all were left unanswered.

Soon thereafter Samcheonpo helped Yoon Jin to her room. I asked Binggrae to help Na Jeong to hers while I cleaned up. Gathering up the empty bottles, I went to the kitchen. On my way back to my room Binggrae grabbed my arm and asked, "Are you okay?" At my silence, he continued. "I'm not sure exactly what is going on with you and Na Jeong but I do know something is going on. You didn't know?" I shook my head no. "I've seen the way she looks at you. This time might be different. Talk to her."

I couldn't say anything in response. "Joon-ah..."

"I'm fine, Dong Joon."

"But..."

"I got this. Let it go," I interrupted him.

Seeing that he was about to say something else, I quickly went into my room. Once in the safety of my four walls I sat on the side of my bed. My thoughts jumbled, I was transported back to four years ago.

Na Jeong and I had made plans when I found out that the cold noodle shop we wanted to eat at was closed. Trying to kill some time, I went to a record shop. I was on my way to meet her when I saw her standing across the street. Her eyes looked panicked, upset. I wasn't sure what was wrong so I stood before her, concerned that something had happened. She burst into tears and wrapped her arms around me. I could do nothing but hold her as she cried. I thought for sure that this marked the deciding shift in our relationship. I felt hopeful once again that she felt more for me than just friendship and that I may have a chance in winning her heart.

Later on while eating, I found out about the department store collapse. Na Jeong was unreasonably anxious, eating too fast then complaining about an upset stomach. I had gone to the pharmacy to get her some medicine but before I can even give it to her she was gone. I saw her happily getting ready for a date with Sunbae and practically skipping her way out to meet him. Her face held an expression that she never had while looking at me. My heart fell as quickly as it rose. The hope that just so recently bloomed inside me floated away so quickly I was convinced I had imagined it.

I know Sunbae. I liked Sunbae. He had lived in the boarding house with Coach-nim, Omma and Na Jeong since they moved from Masan. I thought that he and Na Jeong were siblings until the day I found out they were not. It didn't matter to me, not then anyway. But as my interest in her grew, I started noting signs that all was not was it seemed.

So many times I caught myself watching her while she was watching him. Though aware of her feelings, Sunbae showed no signs of reciprocating them and always behaved like the Oppa that she had grown up with. Out of respect, I had told him about my confession, the one I said the second time I kissed her. I saw the glint enter his eyes and knew for sure that my road had just gotten rockier. He said that he does like Na Jeong and that he would let her know. Resolve unshaken, a challenge between us was issued.

That they would date had been a foregone conclusion. I had hoped that they would date and Na Jeong will recognize that I was the man for her. That didn't happen. If possible I saw her grow more in love with him, but my path was already set and it was too late for me to back off. Not because I saw her as a prize worth winning, even though she was, but because my heart was already lost and taking it back was no longer an option.

I would have been perfectly happy to let it go if I was assured that through being in love and loved by him, Na Jeong would grow. I didn't see that. Na Jeong in love was passive, unlike the version of her I fell in love with. Na Jeong, in love with Sunbae, always sacrificed for reasons way beyond my understanding. Even so I watched and waited, ready to protect her heart, catch it, or do whatever the situation called for.

The last time I saw Sunbae I brought with me a ball. Not just any ball but one that represented my journey as a man. It had been the winning ball from a game against a team I previously lost to. It had been my way of entrusting him with what I treasured most in my life. First baseball and now Na Jeong. I wanted to let him know that whether near or far, I will be watching. Not because she needed a protector but because she deserved to have a champion. I wanted to make my message loud and clear.

Treasure this like I do. Love her like I do. Or else I will take them both. The ball and the girl.

When news of their engagement reached my ears, I fell apart... But by allowing myself the luxury of mourning the end of my first love, I was able to feel liberated once the rubble had cleared. I felt ready to embark on a new future without worrying about my past. Fully prepared to embrace this change, I let Na Jeong go from my heart.

First loves are called "first" for a reason. It's because a second, a third and however many more are expected to follow. When it ends, whether it had been returned or not, it is expected to leave a mark. I welcomed all of these thoughts, comforted by the fact that though the pain had been real, it was not by any means a solitary experience. Everyone has had their heart broken at least once. First loves end every day, in every part of the world. Call it a human rite of passage. A test for one to realize and recognize how much pain a heart can endure if it has never felt that particular brand of pain before.

I was naive to believe that I would just see Na Jeong and feel nothing. I was foolish to think I can get involved and be able to walk away without a second glance. I am realizing more and more that though circumstances change, people essentially stay the same. I was still lost, forever haunted by my childhood, looking to belong somewhere. I was still lonely, surrounded by fame and success but without anyone to love. I was still broken, picking up the pieces of my heart while I travelled a path I had been on before. And Na Jeong...

Na Jeong was still someone who valued family over anything else. She was still someone who preferred ramyun to steak. She was still someone who appreciated consistency over change. Given the choice to revert or advance I already know her answer. All at once a woman and a girl, she was a walking contradiction. I know that she won't intentionally hurt me but she won't be able to help it either. Just like that winter four years ago, she will injure me unknowingly, perhaps making it significantly crueller. The only difference is this time, I will not be caught unaware. I realized that time is running out and made the decision to confront the question head on, whatever the answer may be.

With a heavy heart I looked towards the direction of her door. Am I willing to forge ahead knowing that the odds are still against me? Am I willing to take this chance with my heart? This may very well be the biggest gamble of my life. The characters in the game are still the same but at least now I am fighting fully cognizant of the probabilities. I have to take this last chance because the reward is great. And if I lose, I can walk away knowing that I had given it my all and finally lay to rest any hope for a future with Na Jeong. I can move on for good, without what ifs and regrets littering my way.

I lay down on my bed and closed my eyes. It was another hour before I fell into a dreamless sleep.

## January 18, 2000

##  9:00 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

Dangling the keys to Appa's car in front of Haitai and Binggrae, I saw them walking off and making excuses as to why they can't take a drive with me. I am a great driver, I'll have you know. Or at least I'm sure I will be once I get on the road. I heard the door close behind me and brightened. Joon.

I narrowed my eyes for a moment, taking him in. He was still handsome as always, but there were bags under his eyes. Did he not sleep well? After last night's kiss, all I can remember is being in the sitting room when I woke up this morning. I smiled and asked him if he would come with me, and as I predicted, he agreed without hesitation.

As we walked outside Joon remained unnaturally quiet. I asked him if he was okay, and he just nodded. Not wanting to rock the boat, I accepted his answer at face value. As soon as we settled in the car, Joon turned to me and spoke.

"Have you driven before?"

"Of course! I practiced driving when Appa wasn't home," I responded, confidently tapping the steering wheel.

"Practice? What about in the city?" He asked, a concerned look marring his face.

I smiled at him confidently and told him it was my first time. He should feel lucky I am allowing him to share this with me. Looking in the footwell I had to remind myself which pedal is the accelerator and which one is for brakes. Not realizing that he is now looking at me with something akin to horror on his face, I forged ahead.

I started driving very slowly. Afraid to make a mistake I gripped the steering wheel tightly. To his credit, Joon sat quietly while I tried to get us to our destination. I thought I was doing quite well until he pointed out that I was close to the curb. Quickly I steered left only to have him tell me that I should be signalling when changing lanes. I noted from the corner of my eye how he discreetly placed his hands on the rail by the door. Ha! I'll show you that I can be good at this too! I passed my test the first time! Distracted by my thoughts, I didn't realize that the stoplight was turning from orange to red until I heard his voice practically yelling at me.

"Na Jeong-ah, brake. BRAKE!"

Convinced we were going to crash, I quickly slammed on the brake. The car stopped about two inches from the vehicle ahead. My heart pounding in my chest I was still nervous when we started moving again. Somewhere in the car a handphone started ringing. Reaching into his coat pocket, Joon was about to answer when I yelled at him not to. He complied without much protest. Trying to be helpful, he tried to give me some water to drink and I pushed his hand away. I noticed him about to turn on the radio when I yelled at him to stop. Doesn't he know that I need to concentrate on driving and the radio will distract me? He looked at me and stopped mid-reach. His hands made their way back to the rail, where they stayed for the remainder of the drive.

It was dark by the time we arrived in Gangnam. I didn't realize I wasn't going to take to driving like fish to water. Cautiously Joon suggested that I re-park the car. Embarrassed I finally looked at him. Noting the greenish tinge on his face, I wondered if he was about to get sick. "Joon-ah, I'm sorry."

"Hey... You can't help it! It's your first time driving. You'll get better with practice," he assured me.

"That's right! I did well for my first time. I bet when you start driving it will take you even longer!" I said teasingly. Saying nothing, he merely smiled at me and I took his hand. "Are you staying here tonight then?"

"Yeah, I need to get some stuff from my room before I leave. I'll take the bus back in the morning." At the mention of his fast approaching departure my face fell. I forced a smile on my face and nodded. Afraid of driving home by myself we decided that I take a cab instead. Holding my hand, Joon was attempting to flag a cab down when my handphone rang in my bag.

"Na Jeong-ah... Where are you right now?" Omma's voice sounded funny, like she was trying not to panic.

"Yes hello? Did you arrive safely?"

"Go home, change and go to the hospital."

"Why to the hospital?" I asked. I saw Joon looking at me with a worried look on his face.

"Your father got drunk and fell in a manhole. He got hurt badly. His leg and nose are broken. He needs immediate surgery but he has no guardian, so he can't be operated on. You have to go fast. FAST!"

"Okay, I got it!" I hung up the phone and turned to Joon.

His face concerned he asked, "Why? Did coach-nim get hurt?"

I felt my eyes fill with tears. "He fell in a manhole and got hurt. There's no guardian at the hospital. What can I do?" Looking around I scanned for a taxi, getting more frantic by the second. "Why are there no taxis around now?" Getting more and more upset, I started yelling, "TAXI! TAXI! Aissh... Why is there no taxi around? What will I do about Appa? TAXI!!!!"

After a brief hesitation, Joon grabbed my arm to get my attention. "Na Jeong. Na Jeong-ah... Give me the key." Puzzled I looked at him as he held out his hand. "Hurry."

Annoyed and a little mortified, I watched as Joon expertly navigated the Seoul streets.

With a look of concentration he guided the car in and out of lanes seamlessly. His left hand confident on the steering wheel, he maneuvered the gears like a professional. I couldn't help but be impressed. What is wrong with me? Be mad, Sung Na Jeong. He made me think he didn't have a license! And that he didn't know how to drive! But... But it's so... Sexy. How can he make driving look so attractive? When he stopped at the stoplight he turned to see me looking at him. He grinned at me sheepishly and I pretended to glare at him.

"Well, you know, Na Jeong-ah... I was... Going to tell you..." Not answering him I feigned annoyance. His right hand hesitantly tried to grab mine when I pushed it away.

"You... Let's have a talk later." At his crestfallen expression, I gave his still extended hand a squeeze. I can't help it. I can't stay angry at him.

When we arrived at the hospital he instructed me to go in and check on Appa while he parked the car. At the reception they directed me to the waiting area outside the operating room. When Joon came rushing into the hospital, I grabbed his arm and we went to wait. I paced back and forth impatiently while he stayed standing on one side of the wall. I felt his concern wash over me and I tried to give him a reassuring smile. After what seemed like forever, the surgeon came out. He signalled for me and Joon to come over and waited until we were both in front of him when he finally spoke.

"The surgery ended well. His nose is probably going to be higher than before," he said, giving a little chuckle. "He also needs to get a cast for his leg. Because three of his ribs and his pelvic bones are fractured, it would be a bit hard to walk around for a while."

We thanked the doctor and watched as he disappeared back behind the doors. I finally felt like I could breathe and my knees almost buckled with the relief of hearing Appa was going to be okay. Joon was there before I fell and I felt his strong arms support me.

"Na Jeong-ah... Are you alright? Let's sit down for a bit," he said while guiding me to the nearest seat.

Sitting down, I rested my head on his shoulder. "Aissh... I was scared."

"The doctor said it's okay. It's a good thing he went into surgery immediately," he reassured me.

Realizing something, I lifted my head and directed my gaze at him. "Now, tell me."

"Mmm?"

I know what you're doing, Joon. You're pretending you don't know what I'm talking about. Putting my hand out, I said, "Wallet." Watching him fidget and hesitate, I say more demandingly. "Give me your wallet." When I saw him looking for an excuse, I fastened my glare on him. "Hurry up.... HURRY UP!" Frustrated at his hedging, I started hitting his shoulder repeatedly until he gave in. Finally giving me his wallet, I open it to see his driver's license staring back at me.

"Sorry. I was going to tell you. I really was going to. But since the mood kept being driven in that direction. I missed the timing," he said hesitantly.

"There's no bigger lie than this. Why are you making people look stupid?" I asked.

"Then what am I supposed to do? I have to go to America in less than three weeks. There is no time." He paused, as if he was weighing what he was about to say. "That's right. I did it on purpose. On purpose. I... I just wanted to spend more time with you." Looking flustered for the first time since New Year's Eve, he changed the topic. "Na Jeong-ah, do you want to drink coffee?"

My answer was interrupted by the sound of my handphone ringing.

"Hello? Omma?" Looking at Joon, I mouthed 'coffee'. I watched him walk away, his strides confident, then focused my attention to my call.

"What happened? Did the surgery go well?" I heard her ask.

"Yes. It just ended. He went into the recovery room."

I heard Omma breathe a sigh of relief. "Why in the middle of the night? Where were you though? You got there fast."

"I was in Gangnam today." A little apprehensively I added, "I was with Joon in Gangnam when you called. He drove me here."

"Is that so? Aigoo... How fortunate that Bong-ah was next to you. How were you two together?"

"I know. Ahhh, it just turned out like that."

"Na Jeong-ah, buy something for Bong-ah to eat at least. I am so thankful to him. He's like help from heaven." Omma hung up the call as Joon made his way back to my side. I could do nothing but look at him with gratitude.

Half an hour later Joon and I walked to the elevator. For the longest time I just looked at his face, worry and concern for Appa etched in his beautiful features. Silently I thanked God that he was with me when I heard about the accident. His calming presence soothed me and made me feel like I could handle anything. His eyes held mine for a few minutes, intense and direct, until the ding of the elevator arriving interrupted us.

We turned to enter the elevator when a familiar face greeted us. Leaning against the elevator door, Jung Gook Oppa's eyes met mine and I almost stumbled from the shock of seeing him. I saw him look at Chilbong before he looked at me again. I haven't seen him in two years, not since he drove me to the airport. I haven't spoken to him in a year, since he told me not to come home for his mother's funeral. All of a sudden it felt like I was the Na Jeong from 1994, when I first fell in love with him. The feelings, overwhelming, came back in a rush and I found myself shaking at the encounter. The elevator closed again, but it was too late. My heart had already started breaking all over again.

Sometimes... I really feel like there is a God. Even if there is no God, there should at least be something called fate to explain what's happening now. There are times I feel like that. This miraculous coincidence, a great timing and an exquisite twist. There has to be a reason why Chilbong was the one by my side during some of the most difficult times of my life and why of all times my past decided to catch up with me today. Perhaps my fate is playing a joke on me right now.

I felt Chilbong looking at me and I could not look back at him. Silently I walked towards the stairs, my hand against the wall for support. With trembling fingers I tried to grab the door handle to the stairwell when he grabbed it and opened it for me. I exited without a word and he followed me, not saying anything, until we reached the bottom of the stairs.

"Na Jeong-ah..." He started.

Through my haze of tears I tried to look at him. Though I was looking at Chilbong, it was Oppa who invaded my thoughts. Oppa kissing me outside the hospital. Oppa taking me out on a date. Oppa proposing. The memories came so swiftly I was powerless to stop them.

"Na Jeong-ah," he repeated. "Are you okay?"

"Yes... No... I'm fine." I answered. "I'm fine."

I felt strong arms envelop me in a tight embrace from behind. I tried to pull away but then he just held on tighter.

"Yah, Sung Na Jeong. If you say you're okay then I believe you. But even if you don't want a hug, what made you think that I didn't need one? Just let me hold you like this for a few minutes until I feel better okay? Don't even think for a minute I'm doing this for you. I'm doing this for me," Chilbong whispered in a teasing voice.

Even through my tears I had to smile. I turned around and lifted my eyes to his. I saw worry in his eyes, but his voice was light. Keeping his arms wrapped around me, he gave me a small smile and brought his lips to my forehead. I thought about what to say before I spoke. "Chilbong-ah... I don't really know what to say, but..."

"Na Jeong-ah, you don't have to say anything. You don't have to explain anything to me. I wasn't trying to get you to talk... I just wanted you to know I'm here. That's all," he said.

I nodded gratefully and wrapped my arms around his waist. Resting my head on his shoulder, I put my hand on his chest and closed my eyes. I felt his heart beating under my fingers. Strong and steady, it wasn't long until I regained a semblance of control.

We walked hand in hand to the hospital parking lot in silence.

## January 18, 2000

##  8:30 p.m.

##  Chilbong

The day started out grey. I rose from the bed and looked out the window. The sky was overcast and I felt an uneasiness inside me. Shaking it off, I got dressed and made my way to the kitchen where, surprisingly, Na Jeong already was. I stood in the doorway for a few minutes just watching her. My heart clenched as I saw her sweep a lock of hair off her face. She was still in her pyjamas but she took my breath away. She was doing something I've seen her do so many times; stirring something in the pot, taking banchan from the refrigerator, and still I felt like I was looking at her for the first time. I walked towards her and stopped just a feet shy from where she stood. I cleared my throat to let her know I was there and she turned around, almost dropping a spoon in surprise.

"You're up?" She asked. Closer up I noted the shadows under her eyes. She looked tired, like she didn't get any sleep. "Breakfast is almost ready. Go sit down."

"Have you been awake for a long time?" I asked.

I walked to the table and noticed that the plates have already been set. I was rearranging the side dishes on the table to make room for the stew when I heard her speak.

"Yes. I woke up early anyway so I thought I'd make breakfast. Chilbong-ah, can you call the others to come down please?"

I stopped what I was doing when I heard her answer. Just yesterday I was Joon, and now I am back to Chilbong. Having received that nickname after a particularly successful game, I associated it with only positive things. Except with her. I thought that she just made a mistake last night, but it seems that's not the case. Quickly tamping down the burst of anger that bubbled inside me, I forced myself to remain calm.

Don't pretend you don't know, the voice inside my head said. You were there. You know what happened. I remembered how shocked she was seeing Jung Gook again. I observed quietly when her hands trembled and her eyes filled tears. My heart sank when I acknowledged the possibility that my role has once again been reset in her life. The thing is, I don't think she even realized what she said. Slowly I turned and looked at her. Looking pensive and distracted, she was spooning up rice into bowls.

I walked over to where she stood, took the bowl that she was holding and set in on the counter, then lifted her chin so I could see her eyes. It's now or never... I took a deep breath and proceeded.

"Na Jeong-ah, I know this is horrible timing, but... How do you feel about me?" I asked softly. She looked at everywhere but me. I'm trying to be understanding but I can feel myself losing control.

"Chilbong-ah..." She said again, and I felt a stake go through my heart.

Stop calling me that! I wanted to say. You know my name... Don't call me what strangers call me. When will you see me? Really see me? I'm here, standing right in front of you. How much longer, Na Jeong? How much more do I have to do?

"Breakfast looks good! I thought we'd have to buy breakfast today since Omma is in the hospital." I heard Haitai say as he, Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin and Binggrae piled into the kitchen. She pulled away, turned her back to me and resumed what she was doing without giving me a response. I looked at my hand, which just a few minutes ago was holding her, now just holding air. The pain sliced so sharply that I had to close my eyes. With one more look at her, I quickly pulled my hood up and started walking towards the door.

"Chilbong-ah, you're not eating?" I heard Samcheonpo ask behind me. I paused mid step.

"Na Jeong-ah are we expecting a guest? There are seven plates here," Haitai asked.

I didn't wait for her response before I left.

## Na Jeong

I busied myself making breakfast this morning. After a fitful night of sleep, I needed something to keep my kind occupied. Since last night I haven't felt well. I spent most of the night replaying the scene by the hospital elevator. Tossing and turning in bed, my mind was racked with memories I thought I've long buried. Seeing Oppa again has broken through my self-imposed amnesia.

Memories came flashing back instantly as soon as I closed my eyes. I remembered the moment I realized I saw him as more than just the Oppa I grew up with. I remembered the day he took me to the musical. I remembered the first time he kissed me. I remembered the tears of joy that flowed freely from my eyes as he proposed to me and of sadness when I left. I remembered trying and failing to make our relationship work. I remembered everything and overwhelming sadness poured over me. Fighting the tears, I tried to convince myself that I was okay.

Putting some of the stew into my mouth for a taste, I heard someone clear their throat behind me and turned around in surprise. Chilbong. Dressed in a sweatshirt and sweatpants he looked ready for his run. "You're up?" Lifting my eyes to his, I saw him studying my face. I quickly diverted my eyes, afraid of what he might see. "Breakfast is almost ready. Go sit down."

"Have you been awake for a long time?" He asked. I heard him walking towards the table then some dishes being moved.

"Yes. I woke up early anyway so I thought I'd make breakfast. Chilbong-ah, can you call the others to come down please?" I started spooning rice into seven bowls. I have done this so many times I can do it in my sleep.

I didn't hear anything from him, but next thing I knew he had turned me around, placed the bowl I had been holding down on the counter and lifted my chin up towards his face.

"Na Jeong-ah, I know this is horrible timing," he started, "but... How do you feel about me?" His voice was so soft I struggled to hear what he said. I couldn't read the expression in his eyes. His close proximity handicapped my ability to think. My heart started racing, whether in anxiety or anticipation I am not sure. Unable to meet his eyes I looked everywhere but him. All the times we shared, not once did he ask me how I felt for him. Why now?

"Chilbong-ah..." I started, unsure of how to proceed.

"Breakfast looks good! I thought we'd have to buy breakfast today since Omma is in the hospital," I heard Haitai say. My thoughts jumbled, I saw the rest of the boarders enter the kitchen and almost heaved a sigh of relief. Quickly turning away from Chilbong, I continued what I was doing without responding to what he just asked.

"Chilbong-ah, you're not eating?" Samcheonpo said. I glanced behind me and saw Chilbong making his way to the door. He stopped at the question but didn't turn around. Unsure of what to do, I brought the rice bowls to the table and was getting ready to sit down when Haitai spoke again.

"Na Jeong-ah, are we expecting a guest? There are seven plates here."

Momentarily puzzled I mentally counted how many people were here. Me, Chilbong, Haitai, Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin, and Binggrae. Why would I put out an extra plate? I searched my brain for a minute until the answer came: Oppa. Startled, I looked to see if Chilbong heard Haitai's question. The front door closed and it was only then that I realized that he had left.

Though I am used to taking over housekeeping duties when my parents are not around, the last time I cooked breakfast for the boarders had been a few years ago. My parents had gone to Masan for my brother Hoon's memorial and Oppa was still living with us then. Oppa had helped me cook that morning while I mourned my brother's death alone. Long before I even knew Chilbong existed, I had Oppa. Every memory from my childhood was tied to him. Every memory I had of my youth included him. I thought for sure that every memory I would have thereafter would be made with him. I thought we were a special couple. It turned out that it took no more than distance and time to tear us apart.

I quickly chalked up my mistake to confusion. Chilbong never came back to eat breakfast and the boarders, perhaps noticing my silence, ate quickly and left.

Once alone my thoughts turned to Chilbong. Why would he ask me that now? Why not last week? Why not even a couple of days ago? Why of all times now? I don't want to hurt him, but I'm hurting too and I don't know how to make it better. Feeling helpless, I put my head between my hands and closed my eyes. I was still lost in thought when I heard footsteps approaching. Hoping it was Chilbong, I turned around and tried to paste a bright smile on my face. Yoon Jin stood before me instead. Silently, she looked at me with worried eyes and I promptly burst into tears.

Yoon Jin held my hand as I cried, occasionally patting my shoulder in comfort. She didn't ask for an explanation or clarification, but I suspected she was waiting for me to get all the tears out before asking. A few minutes later we sat with cups of tea before us and I was calm enough to actually speak coherently.

"Yoon Jin-ah, I'm sorry," I said, the last syllable coming out in a hiccup.

"Yah, why are you apologizing? That's what friends do, right? Even though someone would doubt that we're friends right now with all the secrets you're not telling me. I would hit you if you didn't look so miserable already," she said, narrowing her eyes at me. "Are you going to tell me what's going on or am I going to have to beat it out of you? Because you know I can do that.... I'm small but I'm scrappy."

I gave her a reluctant chuckle and took a sip of my tea. "What do you want to know?"

"Chilbong walked out of here earlier like his ass was on fire. You hardly ate and didn't talk at all during breakfast. Plus I know what happened at the hospital last night. "

"How... How do you know about that?" I stammered.

"Binggrae was at the hospital too. He saw what happened. He asked Haitai how you were doing and of course Haitai had to ask why. Binggrae told Haitai, who then told Samcheonpo... You know how fast word travels around here. How do you feel about seeing Jung Gook Oppa again?"

"I feel a lot of things. I feel angry that he and I are supposed to be family and we had to meet that way. I feel guilty that Omma and Appa haven't seen him since we stopped talking. I feel disappointed that we couldn't figure out a way to make it work. Mainly, I just feel sad. I feel sad about the whole thing."

"Are you still in love with him?"

"I... Don't know. I'm still not quite sure as to why we broke up. To be honest I haven't allowed myself to think about that in the past year. I love him... I think part of me always will. Am I in love with him? I don't know. Seeing his face again just brings up all these memories and feelings and I can't think. I keep remembering all the times we spent together. It hurts too much to think about it. But I miss him. I'm not sure if I miss him as my boyfriend or as my Oppa but I do miss him so much." I shrugged my shoulders.

I saw Yoon Jin nodding her head in understanding. "I can see why you're upset, but what about Chilbong?" Perhaps sensing that I was about to protest, she started speaking again before I could open my mouth. "Na Jeong-ah... Don't. I'm not stupid. I know that you two have been sneaking around on dates. I see the way you look at each other. Except for Samcheonpo, all of us know... But we were waiting for you two to tell us."

"What about Chilbong?" I asked. "We're not a couple." At the look she gave me I continued. "We're not a couple, not really. He hasn't asked me and we never talked about it. He's leaving soon and he hasn't said anything about wanting to continue anything after he leaves."

"But how do you feel about him? Do you like him?" She paused, as if hesitant to ask me the next question. "Do you love him?"

"I don't know. I care about him. I want him to do well and I want him to be happy. Do I like him? I think so. Do I love him? I really don't know. It's a totally different feeling as compared to how I felt for Oppa. How would I know if it's love?"

Yoon Jin didn't have an answer and neither did I. We sat in silence for a few minutes until my handphone rang. I stood up to answer it when I felt her grab my hand. She also stood up and spoke.

"Na Jeong-ah, they'll call again," she said. "Just listen to me for a minute. I'll say one thing about this and I won't say anything more okay? You're my best friend and you do know that no matter what, I'm on your side, right?" When I nodded, she continued. "I love you but you're a mess. You're not in any position to be getting involved in any relationship until you figure out how you feel. Or at least not if you don't want anyone to get hurt, yourself included." She stood up and gave my shoulder one last reassuring squeeze before she left.

A few hours later, I found myself walking towards a cafe. Tugging my coat more tightly around my body I couldn't help but feel anxious and nervous. Jung Gook Oppa called earlier while I was speaking with Yoon Jin. Hearing the message he left I was so surprised I almost dropped the phone. He had one request: that we meet up and talk. My first instinct was to ignore it and pretend that it wasn't something I needed to do. However, talking with Yoon Jin just made me realize that there are things I may not want to do but I must do.

Chilbong never came back after his run. When I asked Binggrae where he was, he was unable to meet my eyes but just said that Chilbong had some appointment. I know he and I need to have THAT conversation but even just thinking about it makes me apprehensive. After all the time we spent together I am still not sure what I am to him. I am finding out more and more that there are things about him that I have no clue about.

A bell rang when I opened the door. Scanning the people at the coffee shop I didn't see Oppa. I was directed to sit and as I took off my coat I fought the butterflies present in my stomach. I sat down and prepared to wait, and a few minutes later I saw him appear at the entrance. I watched the man I thought I would share forever with enter the coffee shop. His eyes met mine and he gave me a small smile in acknowledgment.

He sat down across from me without saying a word. I suppose he must feel just as anxious as I do. I find it ironic that he was someone I had grown up with, yet we are now finding it difficult to even say one word. In childhood, he had been my brother Hoon's best friend. When we lost Hoon Oppa, my parents started treating him as the eldest child in the family. He was always a good Oppa to me... The best brother a girl can ask for, until I didn't see him as a brother anymore. It took us some time to start dating but once we did everything happened pretty quickly.

When I was younger, my dream had been to marry him. I was overjoyed to even think that that particular dream was then coming true. Until we both realized that real life doesn't defer to dreams... That real life doesn't make room for hesitations and complacency to still allow a dream to become reality.

Looking like he didn't know how to start the conversation, he continued to look at me while I clasped my hands together to control my nerves from showing. After what seemed like forever, he finally spoke. "Have you been well?"

Unable to meet his eyes, I nodded. "Yeah. What about you, Oppa?"

"Yeah. Me too," he said, looking away. Afraid to meet his gaze directly, I merely nodded in response.

Our conversation continued in the same awkward vein as we spoke about trivial matters, such as my job or how he is doing with his studies. I noticed him sniffling and coughing and concerned, I asked him if he was ill. He dismissed my worry by saying that he's okay. When I asked about his father's surgery, he told me that he was fine and not to worry. As the conversation went on, the little puzzle pieces of why our relationship fell apart started finding its way towards one another.

Has it always been like this for us? Has it always been this way? Me worrying and him diffusing my concerns by underplaying the seriousness of the matter? Trying to tamp down the pain that I am feeling, I sat in silence before he spoke again.

"I'm sorry, you worried a lot right?" He asked softly.

Feeling something inside me break I said, frustrated. "What are you sorry about? Is that your fault? Oppa, to me, do you have no other word to say than sorry? To me, why... Why do you feel sorry?" I could feel tears forming in my eyes. Oppa looked like he was also about to cry. "I'm.. I'm a little sister to you. A little sister to whom you only wanted to give good things. Pretty things and show happy things. That is what a family does. Oppa I... Didn't know the reason why we broke up. I thought that just like other couples, we got tired of each other and had a hard time. I thought that was the reason why we broke up. But I know now... Why we broke up."

We were a special couple, or so I had thought. Because of that specialness we spent twenty years like brother and sister. Oppa always had to be Oppa. I always had to be a little sister. I always felt desperate and grateful because I fell in love with him first, but now he loved me back. We felt insecure about starting a long distance relationship and felt guilty that we had to postpone our wedding. We were always sorry, thankful and cautious, not quite believing that we were together.

Looking into his eyes, flashbacks of a time I would soon rather forget came crashing through my mind. Swiftly the walls I have put up against those memories came down and I recalled how we started out trying our best to stay in contact, and our schedules conspiring that we never do. I remembered failed plans to meet up, always believing that distance was no competition to what we shared. I thought back on what had been the final nail in our coffin. When his mother died I had been the last to know. Thinking that my knowing would have just worried me or made me sad, he decided not to tell me instead. And when I called him to console him, he downplayed his sorrow and ended the call abruptly. It was then that I had to ask myself this question: if we were supposed to share our lives together, why didn't we actually share our lives?

In the end, all we had left was courtesy towards each other, but our hurting hearts didn't get a chance to heal. We were becoming a less than ordinary couple, but were too naive or complacent to do anything about it. We couldn't even say 'I love you', something couples say so freely and without thought. In the end, we broke up like any other ordinary couple, with everything that I thought made us special vanquished and made small. Emails became scarce and phone calls eventually stopped. We ended up breaking up without actually breaking up, our relationship buckling from the pressures of life and the unforeseen consequence of our previous dynamic.

Tears now falling freely from my eyes, I took a deep breath before speaking. "That time... We... We should've just said that we were having a hard time if we were having a hard time. We should've just said that we were hurt, if we were hurt. That's what we should have done." He sat in his chair, also crying, as I stood up, collected my coat and made my way out the door.

It's been over a year since all of it happened but my heart remembered the pain as if it was yesterday. Vision blurred by tears, I let my footsteps guide me home. My steps quickened until I was running, my heart wishing that it was as easy to run away from my past.

When I arrived home, there was no one in sight and for that I was extremely grateful. I went into my room and closed the door. It wasn't until then that I allowed myself to feel the full magnitude of my loss. It had been a relationship I always believed I would always have and in losing Oppa I not only lost the man I loved... It also felt like I lost my brother all over again. Grief unlike any I had ever known since my brother's death came over me. The tears started slowly but gained strength with each minute. Pretty soon I was wailing, unable to breathe. I cried for what we had, what we lost, and what we could have been. I cried for lost dreams and broken promises. I cried for him, but mainly I cried for myself.

## Chilbong

I was up on the deck when I saw Na Jeong arriving home. Unable to see her face, I watched her quick steps as she approached the house. Unsure of how to proceed, I went back into the house and slowly walked downstairs. By the time I was at her door, it was already closed. I was about to knock when I registered the sound coming from her room.

I heard soft sobs at first, then gradually getting louder as time passed. Within a few minutes she became hysterical and unrestrained, her breaths coming in desperate gulps. Every cry felt like a separate stab in my heart, her pain echoing inside me. Torn between opening her door and wanting to leave yet unable to do either, I leaned my forehead against her door, my fingers tracing the pattern of wood as a battle raged between my head and my heart. Closing my eyes, I listened as long as she cried, trying to be present and offer comfort in the only way I could. Until I heard her utter one word. "Oppa."

Taking my hand off her doorknob like it's been burned, I backed away from her room and away from her. With that one word, in that one moment, I realized that a person can break my heart twice. There was nothing subtle about the pain that washed over me. It was all at once relentless, overwhelming and insistent on being felt. It felt like there was a vice around my heart that was squeezing tighter and tighter until I was out of breath.

My steps shaky, I silently walked back to my room. I sat on the edge of the bed and looked out the window. My jaw clenched, I recalled the conversation I walked into earlier when I came back from my run.

"Are you still in love with him?"

"I... Don't know. I'm still not quite sure as to why we broke up. To be honest I haven't allowed myself to think about that in the past year. I love him... I think part of me always will. Am I in love with him? I don't know. Seeing his face again just brings up all these questions that I'm not sure I have the answer to and I can't think. I keep remembering all the times we spent together. It hurts too much to think about it. But I miss him. I'm not sure if I miss him as my boyfriend or as my Oppa but I do miss him so much."

"I can understand why you're upset, but what about Chilbong? Na Jeong-ah don't. I'm not stupid. I know that you two have been sneaking around on dates. I see the way you look at each other. Except for Samcheonpo, all of us know... But we were waiting for you two to tell us."

"What about Chilbong? We're not a couple. We're not a couple, not really. He hasn't asked me and we never talked about it. He's leaving soon and he hasn't said anything about wanting to continue anything after he leaves."

"But how do you feel about him? Do you like him? Do you love him?"

"I don't know. I care about him. I want him to do well and I want him to be happy. Do I like him? I think so. Do I love him? I really don't know. It's a totally different feeling as compared to Oppa. How would I know if it's love?"

There is something to be said about unrequited love. In my head it remained pure and intact, an untouchable memory. Five years ago I only wondered what it felt like to be with her. I never knew the gift of being able to kiss her and touch her freely without the fear of rejection. I was able to walk away with my heart broken but my will intact. After all, I can't possibly miss something I've never known.

I knew when I asked her how she felt about me that I was taking a risk. I thought that if I gave her some space that she will honestly think about it. Hearing her tell Yoon Jin how much she missed Sunbae hurt, but it was expected. But hearing her tell Yoon Jin that she doesn't know what we were to each other or how she felt about me made me realize that even though I was right in front of her she still didn't see my heart. Even so I tried to give her time and tried to understand the situation from her perspective. I came home after Binggrae told me she was meeting up with Sunbae, worried for her sake and knowing she would be hurting. I feared that she would push me away should I go in to comfort her but wanted to make myself available just in case. I didn't want to see her shed tears, especially not for another man, but I unconsciously put her needs above mine.

Hearing her cry out for him couldn't have made it clearer that I will never be the one she looks for. Even though I am standing next to her, her heart is still with someone else.

There was a little place in my heart, where my hope stayed and my deepest dreams resided, that I had managed to shield from my first heartbreak. This time I fear I am unable to do that. One word, one name. It was all it took to shatter that part of me.

Without a father, without a mother, with just baseball I was plenty busy and warm. I always thought loneliness was just an emotion that found people who didn't lead intense lives. But one day at age twenty, the day I began to empty out a space for her, that space felt hollow and began to feel cold. That this was loneliness and that I was a very lonely person - I had only then began to realize. Because I was lonely I missed her and because I missed her I was lonelier. Would I prefer that I be lonely because I wasn't with her or that I be lonely standing beside her while she wants someone else?

I always believed that it isn't over till it's over. The last two weeks made me believe that my 10,000 hours of waiting paid off. She made me so happy, happier than I thought I even had any right to be. However, the last twelve hours so quickly negated all of that. How fragile our tie was, that in just one day I was made invisible. I can see myself still trying and still hoping, but what kind of life would that be for me?

Despite my best efforts it seems I haven't changed at all. Even now. Even after all this time, I tried to do things differently only to do things the same way. It's as if the past three weeks I have been running and running, only to find myself right back where I started. I have unknowingly retraced all my steps with her, seemingly in the same way as the first time around, though maybe not in the same order. I was waiting for her... to know herself, to choose me. I've had to listen to her cry out for the same other man, again. All this time I thought she was still making her choice when really she had already made it years ago. And that choice... wasn't me.

When will I ever learn?

"Insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result." If this is the case, it seems already predetermined that this will end the same way. I was a fool to think that three weeks will accomplish what seven years could not.I know this story. And I know Na Jeong.

All this time I had thought if she just let me go... If she just let me go, I can finally move on, as if she ever claimed me. How can someone let go of something they never held on to?

When something that gives me so much happiness brings me even more pain at the same time, I have to make a decision. Happiness, as I've seen over and over again, is fleeting. It's a state of mind. Pain, however, can spread and fester until my whole being is engulfed in it. It can pulverize everything good in me into bitterness. The only choice left is between cutting the source off or letting it destroy me. At least, I thought, at least this choice is mine.

With my mind made up, I picked up my phone and started dialling. At the third ring I heard an answer. "Hyung, it's Joon. I need you to help me arrange something."

## January 19, 2000

##  2:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

By the time I woke up it was already noon. I said a quick greeting to Omma before I left the house to go for my run. By the time I got home two hours later, Omma was already gone and Haitai, Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin and Dong Joon were making their way out the house.

"Where are you guys going?" I asked.

"I have to meet with Jin Yi," said Dong Joon.

"I'm seeing Ae Jung," Hai Tai responded.

"Date," Samcheonpo said, looking lovingly at Yoon Jin.

"Where's Na Jeong?"

Yoon Jin gave me a sympathetic look before she answered. "She's still asleep." Nodding in understanding, I went into the house and quickly washed up.

By the time I got out of the shower, there was still no activity coming from Na Jeong's room. I knocked on her door and receiving no response, quietly opened it and went in.

She was lying on her side, her arms clutching a stuffed seal. She was still dressed in her clothes from last night, like she had fallen asleep without realizing it. For a few minutes I looked at her beautiful face and a feeling of tenderness came over me. Quietly I laid down beside her. I wondered, as I watched her sleep, if she was dreaming. Shifting my weight to my right side, I put my arms around her. I felt her stiffen in response before she heard my voice. "It's me."

With her eyes still closed, a small smile formed her face and her body relaxed. "Joon-ah." My heart squeezed at hearing her say my name and I fought back a smile in response. "But why are you here? Am I dreaming? What if someone sees?"

"I'm here because it's time to get up. Everyone has gone out. And does this really feel like a dream?" I nuzzled her left shoulder and breathed her in. Without getting up or opening her eyes, she turned over on her other side until her head was directed towards mine on the pillow. She lifted one of her slender arms over my shoulder and my heart quickened at her touch. Gently I kissed her still closed eyes. "Get up." I kissed her right cheek. "Get up." I kissed her left cheek. "Get up." I kissed her nose. "Get up." And then I waited. Her eyes opened and she looked at me in annoyance.

"What about the last place?"

"What last place?" I asked, feigning innocence. She pouted and pointed to her lips. "Ahhh..." I whispered, mouth hovering over hers. "How could I have forgotten that last place?" Leaning down I kept my eyes on her when I planted a soft peck on her lips. "Get up."

Smiling fully now she looked deeply in my eyes. I felt her finger trace my left cheek, her expression becoming more serious.

"Chilbong-ah... About yesterday..."

"Shhh..." I whispered, holding my arms even tighter around her. "Don't worry about it okay? Forget I asked. It's okay." She nodded at me, her eyes wide. "Na Jeong-ah, should we do something today? We're alone." I watched as a blush spread on her cheeks. She was so easy to tease, my Na Jeong. She looked like she was actually considering something when I spoke up. "Yah. Sung Na Jeong, get your mind out of the gutter. I meant, since no one was home, should we go out just like a regular couple?"

"Yeah... But I don't think I'm ready to get up yet." Closing her eyes and puckering her lips, I almost laughed. She was not at all subtle about liking kisses. I was about to kiss her again when I heard her stomach rumble.

Chuckling, I replied to her, "I think you're ready to get up. I'll let you get dressed and we'll get something to eat." Disentangling myself from her, I got up from the bed. "What do you want to eat? Ddukbokki?"

She quickly sat up and nodded vigorously. I smiled at her. "I'll wait for you outside."

After getting ready she came out wearing a sweater and jeans. There were still shadows under her eyes, but she looked a bit more rested. After wrapping her scarf around her neck, I closed her coat while she fixed her hair.

We walked quietly to the nearest ddukbokki stall. The sky was grey and there was still snow on the ground. With the cold wind blowing against us, we huddled closer together to stay warm. I watched her as she ate with relish and I had to consciously stop myself several times from staring. After we ate, we took the longer way back home. Still holding her hand, I looked at her face in profile, noting her distracted expression. Wanting to ease her mind before it went into overdrive, I spoke.

"It's nice, right? Being able to do this?"

"Yeah... But Chilbong-ah, about yesterday..."

"Do you know how often we get this chance to be alone, just the two of us?" I asked, trying to keep my expression neutral. "I know you're still thinking about what I asked. Let's not worry about yesterday or tomorrow okay? Just for today, we can stop trying to figure out all the answers. I'm leaving soon and I just want to be able to enjoy the rest of my time here with you." I turned to her and gave her a small smile. "So... Can we do that?"

"Yes," she answered without hesitation. Looking relieved, she gave me a quick hug. Over her shoulder I realized we had already arrived in front of the house.

I let her walk ahead of me while I gathered some snow in my hands. By the time she noticed I wasn't next to her, I already had an orange sized snowball and hidden.

"Yah, Na Jeong-ah!" I yelled. When she turned I threw the snowball, hitting her on her hip.

"YAAAHHHHHH! KIM JAE JOON! YOU WANT TO DIE? AISSSHHH!" Her eyes blazed in irritation even as she was gathering enough snow to make a watermelon sized snowball.

"You keep building it like that and you won't be able to throw it!" I called from behind my hiding place. When I looked again she was nowhere to be found. I stepped out in the open. "Na Jeong-ah, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you? Where did you go?" I felt something hit my back with a force. I looked behind me and there she stood, her face triumphant. She continued pelting me with snow as I tried to defend myself. I attempted a frown but had to laugh when she stuck out her tongue at me.

I started chasing her, and by the time I had her in my arms we had both slipped so many times that both our clothes were covered in snow. Holding her close, I looked at her face, pink from the cold wind, and her eyes, still bright with joy, and wished I could stay in this moment forever. I leaned down and covered her face in kisses, with her pretending to push me away while at the same time pointing to places I should kiss.

When she put her hands under my coat my heart sped up. Looking into her eyes I wanted to ask her what she thinks she's doing. Before I could say anything I felt fingers tickling my side. I tried to get up and dodge her probing fingers to no avail. Soon I found myself lying under her, her weight pinning me to the ground. Feeling like a kid again, I erupted in loud guffaws and begged her to stop. "Fine, fine... You win."

"What did you say? I didn't hear you!"

Wiggling her fingers towards me threateningly, I said, more loudly, "YOU WIN!!!" Placing my hands on her hips, I enjoyed feeling her body on top of me.

She raised her eyebrows suggestively. "I want my prize!"

"What prize?"

A few minutes later I was parked in front of the television with a mountain of laundry waiting to be folded while she was on the phone with her mother. She sat down a few minutes later, and looked on at me in amusement. "Chilbong-ah, if you don't want to play baseball anymore, you can open a laundromat. You fold pretty well."

"Aissh... Stop saying things like that. I've been doing my own laundry since I was young." Folding a shirt meticulously, I continued. "How is Coach-nim?"

"Omma says he's grumpy. So he must be feeling better." She bit her lip. "Bong-ah... I'm getting hungry again."

"Do you want to go out for dinner?" She shook her head no. "What do you want to eat?"

She looked at me and gave me a bashful smile. "Major leaguer's ramyun. Chilbong's ramyun." My heart thumped inside my chest and I had to turn away to hide my eyes. "But we have nothing here. Do you want me to run to the store?"

Finishing up the clothes, I placed them into separate piles then turned to her. "Let's go together."

After putting everyone's laundry away we walked together, arms interlinked, to the corner store. While she browsed, I picked up the ingredients we needed.

"Chilbong-ah, should we get soju too?" She asked, expression hopeful, and I nodded my assent.

While waiting to pay I kept my eyes on her. I will never get used to how beautiful she is. Angry, happy, or sad, she was the most beautiful woman I have ever known. Her beauty was more than just skin deep, and having had a fraction of what it was like to be with Na Jeong just confirmed that for me. She didn't even realize how exquisite she was. But I know.

By the time we left the store it had already begun to get dark. Carrying a bag on one hand, I linked my fingers through hers and noticing how cold they were, put one of her hands in my pocket. I listened to her voice, at times soft and soothing, then getting irate and passionate, as she spoke about different topics on our way home. Occasionally she would turn to me for a response, to which I would nod or shake my head no, as was applicable. I was perfectly content just listening to her.

When we returned to the boarding house I went to the kitchen with our bag of purchases. Putting some water on the stove to boil I noticed her about to sit down to watch television. "Na Jeong-ah, come here." Looking surprised and pointing to herself, I nodded. "Let's make it together. I'll teach you how to make my ramyun."

She smiled so brightly my heart hurt. Keeping my face expressionless, I set her to task cutting up mushrooms, green onions and peppers to add to the ramyun. I watched her face, furrowed in concentration as she listened to my instructions. Feeling a lump in my throat I made an excuse to go to my room to compose myself. When I came back she was stirring the noodles and adding the seasonings just as I had instructed. Taking over on the stove, I heard her set plates out to bring to the dining table.

"Na Jeong-ah," I called out and she turned to me questioningly. "Let's eat upstairs okay?"

"Okay, I'll bring some things upstairs while you finish up." She took some side dishes out of the refrigerator and started climbing up the stairs.

This is good. This is enough, I thought. At least she'll know how to cook my ramyun. Maybe she'll remember me when she eats it.

"Chilbong-ah, everything's ready!" I heard her yell from upstairs. I heard her turn the radio as she waited.

Taking a deep breath, I tried to keep my face blank before I carried the ramyun to the second floor. She gave an excited clap when I lifted the pot's cover, licking her lips in anticipation. I served some up in a bowl and handed it to her. She blew on the ramyun on her chopsticks before taking a bite. Her eyes closing in pleasure, she sighed.

"Wow, your ramyun is really delicious."

"It's not just my ramyun anymore. You know how to make it too. So now it's our ramyun," I said quietly.

She merely nodded as she continued eating. We ate for a few minutes before she spoke again. "Did you know that the day we drove to Gangnam, Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin were arguing?"

"No... Why were they arguing?"

"Yoon Jin was wondering if they were going to get married and Samcheonpo, that fool, wouldn't ease her mind." She paused, taking a shot of soju. "But that night when we were at the hospital, he proposed!"

"He proposed?"

"Well not in so many ways. You know how Samcheonpo is. He basically brought her all of his bank passbooks and told her what they were all for. One of them is for an apartment, the other is for the future and the last one is for their wedding." I met her eyes and felt my heart squeeze. "So it looks like they might get married soon." At my silence she continued. "I don't know when it will be but I hope you'll be able to come home for it. Maybe you can sing or dance at their reception!"

I scoffed in response. "I don't know how to sing or dance."

"Is that right?" She teased me. "I don't believe you." She pulled me up to my feet. Overwhelmed with emotions, I was about to refuse but seeing her hopeful expression, I found myself agreeing. I put my right arm around her waist and locked the fingers on my left hand with hers.

The opening melody of a song I haven't heard in a while breezed through the radio and soon we were swaying slowly to the music.

"Bong-ah, did you know that in America the newly married couple dances in front of their guests?" She looked at me with laughing eyes. "Can you imagine Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin dancing together in front... " Her voice continued but I couldn't hear her. I tried to imagine what she was saying but in my mind all I could see was a vision of Na Jeong on her wedding day. Walking towards someone else, wearing her white dress, and looking at him in happiness. Promising devotion and love forever. My eyes filling with unshed tears at that thought, I closed them and started to speak. "Na Jeong-ah..."

"Hmm?" She answered as she rested her head on my shoulder.

"Make sure you eat well, okay? Don't work too hard. Make sure to turn off the fan before you sleep else you'll catch a cold. Always drive carefully and never drive alone." I felt her nod under my chin. Afraid my voice would betray what I'm feeling, I cleared my throat before I continued. "Have one of your friends go with you to Sang Min Hyung's games in case you get in a fight. Drink a lot of water before the game so you don't get a sore throat. Make sure you wear your back brace as soon as you start hurting. Remember to wake up in time for breakfast before heading to work." My words coming in fast, I tried to remind her of as many things as I could remember. She remained silent and I feared that she had fallen asleep. "You're listening, right?" Na Jeong-ah, please listen. Remember everything I'm telling you because I won't be here to remind you anymore. Please remember.

"I'm listening," she answered, voice muffled. "But I don't need to remember all of that. I'm sure you'll nag me about it anyways."

At her certainty, my heart struggled to remain calm. Just when I thought I couldn't handle anymore, she turned to look out the window, then back at me and smiled. "Joon-ah... It's snowing."

I could do nothing but watch her as she ran out to the deck. Separated only by a glass door, it already felt like she was a million miles away from me. Behind me the song we danced to played its remaining melody.

Even long after 1000 days have passed, you would still be like that...

Please don't forget the name of our beautiful love...

In those 1000 days, was it hard for you?

Was there any chance that I hurt you?

Please forgive me...

If that is so, it would be the last time...

After that day, I merely wonder about you

Even in the next life, let's not meet again.

With slow steps, I joined her outside. She had her hands open to catch the snow as it fell. Her eyes were happy and she had a smile on her face. This was how I wanted to remember her. Overcome with tenderness I turned her around so she faced me. Her eyes looked at mine searchingly and I dropped my guard for one second, hoping that she understands what I'm trying to tell her without having to say anything out loud. She lifted her hand to cup my face as she stood on tiptoe to kiss me.

I watched her, her eyes closing, as she pressed her lips more firmly on mine. I kissed her slowly, savouring the feel of her heart beating against my chest. One of my hands held her neck gently, feeling her pulse quicken at my touch. I pulled her closer towards me and flattened my palm against her back. Perhaps feeling my gaze on her, she opened her eyes and looked directly at me. My mouth leaving her lips, I trailed kisses from her face to her neck. She tightened her arms around me in response and sucked in a breath when my tongue touched her collarbone.

Unlike our other kisses, this one was not demanding or insistent. It was slow, gentle, and lingering. I am determined to make this last and to make sure that both of us will remember this moment. There was snow falling all around us, but the heat between us was hot enough to make me feel like I'm on fire. She smelled like sunny days and tasted like heaven. Her eyes still locked onto mine I returned to her lips. I licked her top lip then her bottom lip and she sucked on my tongue, trying to kiss me deeper. My tongue met hers slowly and leisurely. I saw the impatience in her eyes yet I didn't give in. I sucked on her lower lip while my fingers grazed her cheeks. I touched a wisp of her hair, soft as silk, as she continued to look at me while I was kissing her. My tongue entered her mouth again, deeper still as my fingers dug into her hips. I felt her trying to get closer to me and pressed her against the glass door. When I felt her fingers touch my skin under the shirt I was wearing, I pulled away even though I didn't want to. If I had my way I would kiss her into eternity. She looked confused and very much affected. I touched her face and ran my hands down her hair. Soundlessly she took my hand and placed a kiss on my palm. I took her lips for one more kiss before I led us both back into the house.

A short while later we found ourselves sitting downstairs watching television. I had my arm wrapped over her shoulders and her head was resting on my chest. When a baseball commercial came on, she stood up in a rush and went to her room. She came back with her hands behind her.

"Chilbong-ah, you'd never guess what I found the other day!" She exclaimed. Putting her hands in front of her I spotted a baseball. "Ta da!" She presented it to me with a flourish. "It's the baseball you gave me when I went to your game that time!" I could only look at the baseball, disbelieving that she kept it after all these years. "Yah, Mr. Major Leaguer, can you sign it for me?"

I shook my head no. "I want you to sign it for me instead. Write something nice and I'll take it with me when I leave."

"What should I write?" She asked. "Fighting?"

"Anything you want, Na Jeong-ah. Anything you want."

"Okay," she said. Taking a pen out of the table, she started writing, covering the ball with her hands. "Don't look! You can't read it until you're in America okay? That's still two weeks from now. Maybe I should hold onto it until then."

"I promise I won't look," I assured her. "I'll put it in a box. You can give it to me now." Giving her my best trust me look, she hesitated for a moment then gave me the ball. True to my word, I took it straight to my room where I slipped it into a small box before depositing it into my suitcase. Something on my table caught the corner of my eye and I grabbed it before I went back to the living room where Na Jeong was waiting.

"Since I took the ball, I have something to give you for compensation." I held a charm in front of her. "I bought this in Japan, it's a charm for road safety. You can have it. You can hang it on your phone."

I put my palm out for her phone and she handed it over. I attached the charm within minutes and said, "It's to make sure you stay safe while driving."

"Yah! I'm a safe driver! What are you trying to say?"

"I'm not saying anything. Let's hope it works for all the other people you have to drive on the road with." Her face coloured and she hit my shoulder until I pulled her onto my lap. "I'm just kidding."

We sat side by side quietly just holding hands and knees touching when I glanced at the clock. 11p.m. The time went by so fast. I looked to my right and noticed that Na Jeong had fallen asleep. As gently as possible, I lifted her from the couch and carried her to bed.

Once I put her down, I allowed myself to feel everything I've tried to control all day. Looking at her face, I tried to memorize her features: her beautiful eyes, her delicate nose, her high cheekbones, her pretty lips. Running my hand down her cheek, she nuzzled it as if even in dreams she knew it was me. I smoothed her hair onto the pillow and closed her curtains. Then I sat and watched her sleep for a little while, my heart breaking with each minute. I looked at the clock. 12 a.m. Time to go. Standing up, I took one more look at her and tucked her in one last time. When a smile formed on her face as I was tucking her in, I felt my eyes fill with tears. A lump formed in my throat and I knew I had to get out of her room before I wavered. Turning her lamp off, I pulled a letter out of my back pocket, placed it on her table and left the room.

By the time I closed her door, Dong Joon was already home.

"Are you ready?" He asked. At my nod, he spoke again. "Joon-ah, are you sure? There's still two weeks left..."

"I'm all packed up. Let me grab my stuff and we can be on our way." I went into my room, grabbed the suitcase, and made my bed in Sincheon Boarding House one final time. I quickly packed the rest of my belongings in a box and put it in a corner of the room. I made a mental note to send an email to Haitai, Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin when I arrive in America. I reminded myself to call Omma and Coach-nim once I have settled in.

Walking out of the house I finally let the tears fall. Pulling my cap lower to hide my eyes, I quickly placed my suitcase in the trunk of the car. Jung Jin Hyung, my manager, was standing by the car and Dong Joon was already in the back seat waiting for me.

"There's no traffic to Incheon international Airport yet so we should make it with plenty of time," I heard Hyung say as he turned on the ignition and pulled out onto the road.

"Okay," I responded, turning away from Dong Joon, who was worriedly looking at me. When he placed his hand on my shoulder, I tried to push it away. But when his hand stayed and held on even tighter, my silent tears became audible sobs and the tears started falling even harder. I knew it was going to be hard to walk away from her, but I didn't realize it would hurt this much.

With the shadow of Sincheon Boarding House fading away from my periphery, I bid Sung Na Jeong and my innocent youth goodbye.

## January 20, 2000

## 8:00 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

I woke up to the sound of the television blaring. I had hoped Chilbong was going to wake me up again today like he did yesterday but with everyone in the house I supposed that was impossible.

Remembering yesterday I felt even more confused than ever. Getting up out of bed I reassured myself that Chilbong and I had plenty of time to talk things over. Two weeks is plenty of time to figure something out.

Groggily I dragged myself out of bed and walked out my room. Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin and Hai Tai were all in the living room with cups of coffee and bread on the floor.

"What are you all doing here?"

"Breakfast," Samcheonpo replied. "Omma left early to see Coach-nim so we just decided to eat light this morning. I was watching the news earlier and heard them say Chilbong's name so we decided to watch. Where is he anyway?" He asked, looking around. Yoon Jin shrugged her shoulders.

"Why would he want to watch himself on television? Does that even make sense?" Haitai asked Samcheonpo. "Besides, he's probably already out on his daily run."

I looked at Chilbong's door, which was still closed. I walked over and was about to knock when I heard Yoon Jin's voice.

"Shhh... They're showing his picture now. I bet the news will soon follow." I followed her eyes to the screen where a picture of Chilbong was being shown.

"This morning at 5 a.m. Major League baseball player Kim Jae Joon-ssi was spotted in Incheon International Airport checking in for his flight to the United States. Kim Jae Joon-ssi, who recently signed a contract with the San Francisco Giants was supposed to leave Korea two weeks from now but we were informed by his manager that his departure was moved up. The exact amount of this contract is not known, but it has been widely speculated that it is for over 2 million US dollars. Kim Jae Joon-ssi, a graduate of the prestigious Yonsei University, declined any interviews but did however release a statement thanking his fans and asking for their continued support."

I stared at the screen, transfixed. I felt Yoon Jin looking closely at me, no doubt wondering if he had told me anything. Just then Binggrae entered the house.

"Yah! Did you know Chilbong was leaving?" Haitai asked him accusingly.

"Uhm... Yeah, I just took him to the airport." Looking at everyone but me, he added, "He said he'll let you guys know when his plane arrives."

"Why did he leave all of a sudden? That bad guy, not even letting his friends throw him a goodbye party," Samcheonpo bristled.

"I don't know why he had to leave. He didn't tell me," Binggrae replied. "He just said he had to leave." As he spoke, a shot of Chilbong surrounded by reporters flashed onto the screen, then of him disappearing behind the boarding gate.

"It is impossible to determine when Mr. Kim will be coming back but it is safe to say that he might wait until his contract is completed. His manager promised us an exclusive interview when he returns to Korea and we will certainly keep you abreast of any developments.

Next, are we going to have another hot summer? Stay tuned for a weather prediction from our resident meteorologist after the break."

For a few minutes I was frozen in place. I mentally scanned my brain for any clues I might have missed. Yesterday felt like a dream and now I know why. He knew he was leaving when he woke me up, I realized. Panicked I burst into his room and saw the empty shelves. Frantically I opened the drawers and found nothing. Looking around his room I spotted a lone box in the corner. That's it. That's all that is left in the room that proved that he had even been here. I saw a towel on top of the box, and lifting it to my nose, I smelled Chilbong's scent. I took my hands off the box and walked back out to the living room.

There has to be an explanation, I thought. Something must have happened. Feeling everyone's eyes on me, I started retracing all the places we were at in the house last night. When my search proved unsuccessful, I made my way back to my room with rising anxiety. From my doorway I spotted a folded piece of paper with Chilbong's handwriting. My hands trembling and my heart lodged in my throat, I walked over and picked it up. Reading the letter, my tears began to fall. My knees soon gave way underneath me and I crumpled to the ground.

When Yoon Jin entered my room a few minutes later, I was still crying on the floor.

"Na Jeong-ah..." She started, but paused when she saw my face. This is a dream, I thought. Yesterday was real and this is just a dream.

"Yoon Jin-ah, did Chilbong go for his run this morning?" I asked, my voice not sounding like my own.

I touched my cheeks, wet with tears, and marvelled at how real this dream felt. When I looked at her, she was looking back at me sadly. "Na Jeong-ah, no. Chilbong left. He's gone." Even as I was hearing her say it, I was shaking my head in denial. This is just a really bad dream. Yoon Jin came closer and tried to put her arms around me.

"Don't touch me. DON'T TOUCH ME!" I screamed. Please don't touch me. If you touch me then I'll know this is real. It can't be real. Chilbong would never leave me.

I watched Yoon Jin's hand as she pried my fingers away from the towel I was still holding. At the touch of her hand it dawned on me that this was my new reality and I started shaking uncontrollably, sobs coming in full force. The letter fell from my hands onto the floor and she picked it up to read.

Na Jeong-ah,

Do you know why I asked how you feel about me? It's because I sincerely wanted to know if you knew how you felt. I am not the smartest man. There are a lot of things I don't know. But I know you.

You're impetuous, passionate, impulsive and unthinking at times. I love that about you but it scares me too. Because when I'm with you I allow myself to be carried away. It's so easy to get lost with you. But the problem is that you are doing those things without thinking whereas I should and do know better. To you you're just going with the flow, having fun, seeing where things go while I'm thinking about tomorrow and forever.

I know I made you question how I felt for you too, so this is not your fault. Five years ago, I told you I liked you. When you didn't like me back, I convinced myself that maybe I just didn't do enough. So this time I thought I would just show you instead of telling you. But no matter what I do, it seems that it will never be enough.

Because here's the thing. I am just going to say it clearly, so you don't get confused. I am in love with you. Given the chance I can fall even more in love with you every day. I can do the long distance relationship thing with you. I can do the big wedding and the cheesy dance that I scoffed at if you want me to. I can make you my wife and I can have children with you. I can walk with you through all your life's journey, as in love with you now and every version of you that you become. I can lay my future at your feet and promise to still tell you you're beautiful even when we're old and grey. I can do all that. I can really be WITH you. But the problem is when I go in, I go all in. And I can't do that when you're still so unsure about so many things.

If I was still the same person from five years ago, I would have said take your time. I will be right here. Unfortunately I am not that same person anymore. The man I've become is greedy, selfish and impatient. I won't share you. All your smiles, all your tears, your past, your present, your future... I want them all for me.

I've loved you for seven years. Even when I didn't love you, I still loved you. Even if it was just the promise of you, it was still you. I look back on my past and despite all I've had to go through, I only remember you. I loved you from the beginning and I love you still. I can keep telling you I love you as many times as you can stand hearing it but it doesn't change the fact that you're not ready for everything I have to offer, and I'm not willing to wait. Not anymore. This is as far as my heart will allow me to go.

If I hurt you in any way by making this decision, I'm sorry. The pain will soon pass. Just like time and just like our memories.

We won't see each other again but know that I only wish the best for you. Na Jeong-ah, find your way. Make your decisions well. Don't be afraid to take chances. See yourself the way I've always seen you.

Na Jeong-ah, goodbye.

Be happy.

Joon.

#  SECOND INNING

## Sincheon Boarding House

##  January 21, 2000

##  8:30 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

I was woken up by the sound of my door opening. Looking at my clock I saw that it was only 8:30 a.m. When I heard footsteps approaching my bed I went back under my covers and pretended to be asleep.

"Na Jeong-ah, it's time for breakfast," I heard Yoon Jin's voice say.

Closing my eyes more tightly I didn't give her a response. I felt her hand on my back and after a minute she wrapped my cover more securely around me.

"Is she coming out?" I heard Omma say from the door. "Yoon Jin-ah, is she waking up? She didn't eat dinner last night either. Aigoo, the last time I saw her like this was when she hurt her back, and even then she still had an appetite."

"That bad girl... Let me in there," Haitai's voice demanded. "I'm going to drag her out of bed."

"Haitai, no," Omma responded. "Nothing happened, right, Yoon Jin-ah? She's not running a fever? Do I need to stay home? I was going to visit her Appa this morning."

"No, Omma. She might just need more sleep." Yoon Jin said. "I'll check on her again before I leave for work. Don't worry."

The door closed again and I am finally again surrounded by blessed silence. Holding my puppy close to me it took just a few minutes for me to fall back asleep. Back to him.

I dream of him a lot. If memories count as dreams, that is. And sometimes I don't even need to be asleep to dream of him. So if memories that are present even when I'm awake can be considered dreams then yes, I dream of him a lot.

All I needed to do was close my eyes, and there he was. This time we were at his baseball game, almost six years ago. He stood alone in the baseball mound after the game and gazed at me, his head cocked to his right side. I followed his footsteps as he walked, before he turned back at me and cupped his hands. Silently I did as he asked and he tossed me his winning ball. I caught the ball and we shared a smile. Suddenly I felt like the ground has given way under my feet. I registered the sensation of free falling and with panic rising in my throat, I tried to scream to wake myself up. I felt hands shaking me awake and opened my eyes.

"Na Jeong-ah... Wake up. It's okay," Yoon Jin said.

"What happened? Why are you here?" I asked dazedly as I sat up and tried to put a calming hand over my heart.

"I came to check on you when I saw you thrashing in bed. I've brought breakfast." Kneeling on the side of the bed she looked at me with a frown. "I already called your office and told them you wouldn't be in today. You look terrible." She stood up and made her way towards my windows.

"Don't," I said when I saw her about to pull open the curtains. "The sun hurts my eyes."

She stood in front of me with her hands on her hips. "Na Jeong-ah, I have to go to work, but there's some rice and soup on your table. Make sure you eat some okay?" I realized she was waiting for a response and so I nodded wordlessly.

As soon as she left I burrowed back under the covers and back into oblivion. I didn't sleep for long periods of time. I woke up occasionally to drink some water and go to the bathroom. I tried to get up, only to wander aimlessly around my room. In the end I gave in and went back to bed.

I was just about to fall back asleep for the umpteenth time when my door opened. Several footsteps echoed on my floor and then I heard hushed voices.

"You do it," Samcheonpo said. "You're closer to her... She might not kill you."

"You're a big guy and you're scared?" Haitai answered back. Clearing his throat, he continued. "Fine. I'll do it." Silence. "No I can't. Let's just forget it. "

"No... We absolutely must try to wake her up, else Yoon Jin will yell at me. I don't like it when she's mad."

"Okay. We'll do it once and if she doesn't wake up we'll forget it." Haitai walked closer to the bed until I sensed his shadow over me. "Na Jeong-ah... It's time to eat dinner. Won't you get up and eat with us?" When I didn't respond I felt a hand on my shoulder and kept my eyes shut. "Na Jeong-ah?"

After a few minutes, I heard the two of them making their way out of my room and I glanced at the clock. 7:00 pm. Is this day ever going to end? I thought. Unable to muster up enough energy to get out of bed and join everyone in the dining room, I just laid in bed quietly. I closed my eyes and forced myself back to sleep.

## January 22, 2000

##  7:45 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

When I opened my eyes again Yoon Jin was already sitting on a chair on the side of my bed looking at me. I can feel her concern wash over me and not wanting any part of it I tried to turn over to my other side.

"Na Jeong-ah... I know you're awake," she started. "How long are you going to do this?" When I didn't respond she continued. "Listen... I know you're having a hard time but Omma keeps asking me questions that I have no answers for. She's getting very worried about you. You need to snap out of it soon."

"Yoon Jin-ah... What time is it?" My voice sounded hoarse and it was a challenge just to get the words out.

"It's almost 8:00 am. I have to leave for work in an hour but I wanted to see you before I left." Leaving the chair, she sat on the side of my bed instead. "How are you?" she asked, her eyes searching mine.

"I'm fine," I mumbled. Unable to meet her gaze, I sat up.

"Will you eat some breakfast today? You haven't eaten in almost two days." Standing up she went to my table and fetched a tray of food. After carefully setting it down in front of me, she put chopsticks in my hands and lifted the cover off the plates.

"I'm not hungry, Yoon Jin-ah." She looked at me closely and then took the chopsticks off my fingers. Expecting her to take the food away, I was surprised to see her pick up the rice bowl and spoon.

"Open your mouth," she ordered. Sensing that I was about to protest, she silenced me with her hand. "You need to eat. I don't care if I have to feed you myself but you're going to eat today. Coach might be coming home soon and we can't have him see you like this." Putting the spoon to my lips, I took a reluctant bite. The food felt alien in my mouth and I struggled to swallow. Taking a deep breath she looked at me. "Yah... You remember what happened to me when Seo Taiji Oppa retired, right?"

Thankful for the distraction I nodded. "Didn't Samcheonpo bring you his toilet?"

"Yeah... It's still up on the balcony with a plant growing in it." She chuckled softly as she fed me another bite of food. "I'm not talking about that part, though. I'm talking about what happened after." I turned a questioning look her way and she smiled. "You know how long we sat up there talking? I didn't feel like eating either but he brought a bag of sweet potatoes and fed me while I cried." I stayed silent, listening to her speak. "So you're probably wondering what my point is, right?" At my nod, she gave me a small grin before she continued. "He did it for me, so I'm doing it for you. Whenever you're ready to talk I'm here. In the meantime you have to save your strength. And Chilbong..." At the mention of his name, my heart stopped. I felt a lump in my throat and I had to remind myself to breathe. She paused, as if choosing her words carefully. "Chilbong will be back. He will come back," she said more forcefully.

"He hates me," I whispered.

She firmly shook her head no. "He loves you. Before you protest, let me remind you that I read his letter too. That boy's loved you for so long that he wouldn't know how to stop even if he wanted to. Just like your love for Lee Sang Min Oppa is a part of you, loving Sung Na Jeong is a part of him too. I really don't think that he would be happy seeing you like this, do you? Chilbong would be hurt too if he knew you were hurting." She gave me a hug and prepared to leave. She was already by the door when she turned back around. "Don't you want to show him when he comes back how impressive you've become?" Giving me one last reassuring smile she left my room.

I sat on my bed for a few hours even after she had gone to work. My thoughts still jumbled, I tried to clear my mind. All I've done the last two days is sleep but I still feel exhausted. I know Yoon Jin means well. And I do appreciate it, but still. I am too tired for this.

I laid back down on the bed and covered myself up. Sleep, I thought. I just need to sleep.

## January 25, 2000

##  8:30 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

Going to my room after getting washed up I glanced at the calendar on my phone. January 25th. It's been 4 days, 21 hours, 37 minutes and exactly 9 seconds since I found out he was gone.

The days are passing by slowly. I don't wake up feeling anxious anymore, the ache in my chest dulling into an emotion I am familiar with. I started eating again and I've gone back to work. I still don't feel like myself, but at least all these things together has kept me going. That's okay, I thought. Anything to get everyone off my back.

"Na Jeong-ah, breakfast is ready!" I heard Omma call out from the kitchen.

"I'll be right there!" I called back. I put my bag down in the living room as I made my way to the kitchen. All conversation stopped as I sat down to eat. I could feel everyone's eyes on me and so I pasted a smile on my face. Fixing my eyes on my plate I focused on avoiding their eyes. I don't need to look at them to know how they would be looking at me. Though I have started getting back to my routines, I can still feel their worry every time they see me. They shouldn't be. I'm fine.

The initial shock has receded, but my days can be distinctly divided into bad days and worse days. Better seems like a dream right now. Better is something I can only hope for. I just need to get through the day. This is the thought that gets me out of bed in the morning, but they don't need to know that.

As I was trying to chew my food I glanced at the empty seat to my right and decided this will not do. For days I've been feeling as if it's been mocking me. I stood up and marched to my room to rectify the situation, not noticing the eyes following me. Grabbing my puppy, I brought him with me to the dining room table and plopped him down on the empty chair. There, I thought. Much better. Trying to ignore the slack jawed expressions being directed my way, I continued to shove spoonful after spoonful of food into my mouth. Though I can barely taste anything I am determined to eat well, just as Joon had advised me to do.

"Ahh gashina... Don't eat that fast. You're going to make your..." I heard Appa say before Omma elbowed him to stay quiet. Silencing the conversation around me, I put all my undivided attention into finishing the food in front of me.

"... we should do that tonight. Something different. What do you think?" Haitai's voice cut in. Rice, kimchi, meat. Rice, kimchi, meat. Water. "Yah Na Jeong-ah..." Rice, kimchi, meat. Rice, kimchi, meat. Wa... "NA JEONG-AH!!!" Suddenly startled I looked up.

"What?" I asked.

Haitai looked at me with furrowed brows. "Have you been listening at all?" He asked. At my blank expression he shook his head. Taking a deep breath he continued. "We should all go out to eat tonight. Do something different. The last time we went out together was... For a movie?" As if realizing he said something he shouldn't have, he quickly quieted down.

At the memory of that night I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and ran to the bathroom. Turning the faucet on to dull the sound I threw up my breakfast into the toilet. When I couldn't possibly get rid of any more I stood up at the sink. Washing my face and my mouth I looked at the mirror and took in my reflection. What are you looking like that for? I asked my reflection. You're fine. We're just having a bad day, that's all. Knowing that everyone outside was probably wondering what just happened, I quickly dried my face and exited the bathroom. Yoon Jin stood just outside, waiting for me to come out.

"Na Jeong-ah, you don't have to go to work if you don't feel well," she said gently. "Are you okay?"

"Yoon Jin-ah, I'm fine." Looking at my watch for emphasis I said, "Is that the time? I'm going to be late for work. I have to go."

Bypassing the kitchen and the questions that are no doubt waiting for me, I grabbed my purse. "I'm leaving!" I called out, shrugging into my coat. As I was closing the door I heard Samcheonpo. "So are we going out or not?"

Once outside I walked slowly to the bus stop. My hands freezing I dug into my pockets for my gloves. It wasn't until I had pulled them on that I realized they weren't mine but Joon's. Knowing that I only had to lift my hands to my nose to smell him again I quickly took the gloves off and shoved them into my bag. Looking ahead I saw someone in front of me wearing a hooded sweatshirt and tracksuit bottoms. Could it be? Running towards the tall figure I felt my heart beating hard in my chest. I was out of breath by the time I grabbed the person's arm and turned them around. He took off his headphones and looked at me. With a curious expression he asked, "Agassi, do I know you?"

"No... No, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else." Turning away in embarrassment I started walking back towards the bus stop. Thankfully the bus arrived just then and I boarded it quickly. Keeping my head down I tried to compose myself. Na Jeong-ah... Get yourself together, girl. You can't go around grabbing tall men in sweatshirts all over Korea! Keeping my gaze out the window I looked at the places the bus passed on my way to work. I noted the corner store where we bought ramyun and the ddukbokki stall where we ate. There's the path we walked on our way home. The places appear unchanged but there's something different about them. Averting my eyes away I thought to myself that it doesn't matter.

Within minutes I was at work. Not for the first time I was relieved to be surrounded by people who knew me only casually. I know the routine by now. They'll ask me how I'm doing as a greeting, but won't really care what I say back in return. The question will be asked in courtesy, but the answer doesn't really matter. They won't pry about how I'm feeling because they don't really care. We are all there to work after all. For eight hours I can avoid prying eyes and pitiful looks directed towards me. I sat down to a desk piled high with work needing to be done. Thankful for the distraction I took my coat off and immediately started working.

## February 25, 2000

##  7:00 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

"Omma, I'm fine," I lied as I watched her straightening up my room, brushing off dirt that didn't exist from the furniture, tucking the corners on my perfectly made bed. "Omma, stop. It's fine... I'm fine."

I was sitting on the chair by my table, and she sat herself down on my bed for a second before getting up again. We had just finished dinner, a fairly routine affair, or at least it had been until Samcheonpo said Joon's name and I found myself marching into the living room and grabbing a pillow before hitting him squarely on the back of his head with it.

Omma had ended up dragging me off him by the ear and Appa had watched with a shocked face, unable to do much with his legs in casts. She stood in front of me now, her arms crossed over her chest, searching my eyes.

"Is that the story you're sticking with?" She asked dubiously and I looked away. I can never hide anything from my mother.

"Omma..."

"You can't just go around hitting people, Na Jeong-ah," she said. "You might really end up hurting someone."

"I got it, Omma."

She looked at me then, as if she doubted my ready acceptance. It was only a burst of anger... A lapse in judgment. It's been a month since Joon left, and hearing his name brought it all back. It's so much easier to deal with the anger and frustration than it was to deal with everything else.

I haven't cried once, not since the day he left. I haven't allowed myself to. Sometimes I wonder if it's because I haven't quite accepted it yet. I've found comfort in feeling numb and pretending none of it ever happened.

Not just him leaving, but him coming back on New Year's Eve, too. The fact that the three weeks he was here had felt like a dream made it easier to believe that it had been merely that.

Omma's watchful eyes roused me from my thoughts and she lifted a hesitant hand towards me. I knew that if she touched me that the fragile veneer I've built would fall apart, and I cowered in my seat, avoiding her touch. She meant to be comforting, to be reassuring. Her tenderness will break me, and I cannot deal with that. Not in my present state anyway. Her eyes didn't miss this and she looked at me wistfully.

"Na Jeong-ah," she said gently. "You know Omma's here, right?"

I kept my gaze averted, for fear she would see right through me.

"I'm here, whenever you're ready to talk. Don't ever forget that."

She made her way out of my room and I drew a ragged breath. I haven't spoken to anyone, not since Yoon Jin the first few days he was gone. Day by day I find myself hiding deeper and deeper into my shell, not quite comprehending why one person's departure should affect me so.

Psychiatrists would call this denial. I call it a coping mechanism. There's a reason why people choose to forget. It's because remembering is too painful, and like most people I am a coward that way. I know I don't have the emotional strength to deal with what happened head on, or to actually think about what it had meant, or what it means to me. Denial is a place where the truth can't hurt me, a place where the truth can't challenge me. I want to stay here as long as possible.

I raised myself off my seat and climbed into bed. It's only 7 p.m. and I am ready to go to sleep, to cross off another day. I wrapped the covers around me and took a deep breath, hoping that tonight I will be spared.

I dream of Joon almost every night. My traitorous heart had found a way to bypass my will. It is with both joy and pain that I experience these dreams. I pray for my sake that soon they will stop.

The scene was a familiar one, back on the baseball field in Yonsei. I felt a weight on my head and realized I had a cap on. If I were to look down I know what I'd see. The box of pepero sticks were in my hand, just as they were in my memory.

I had arrived just in time to watch him throw his first pitch, had stayed until the game ended and seen his team win. He was Chilbong, the baseball player, the guy whose cousin lived at our house, the boy I considered a friend. I didn't know it yet then, that he would be my first kiss. I didn't know it yet then, that he would leave on a snowy night. There were a lot of things I didn't know then.

I had stayed after the game, waiting until the crowd had dispersed before making my exit. He came back after his teammates have gone to the locker room to look for me.

He had given me a smile, a smile full of secrets. I followed his steps as he walked to the side of the bleachers where the net ended. He looked up at me, meeting my eyes, cupping his hands together, motioning for me to do the same.

What am I catching? I had thought, but I did it anyway.

He tossed me a ball which I caught with ease. I am not a baseball coach's daughter for nothing. As soon as I caught it he cocked his head to one side and delivered another smile. That smile. It brought one to my face as well.

I looked at the ball, my hand feeling its weight. I held a ball like this once, had kept it in my possession for years.

"Write something on it," he had whispered to me.

Oblivious I had written a few simple words, referring to our history, trying to be casual about my hope for a future together. Will he realize what I meant? I wondered now. Will he actually see what my heart wanted to convey? The ball I held in my hand now also had some words, though through my tears I cannot make them out. I tried to focus my eyes and yet I couldn't see. I was blind to this too, as I had been to his presence for as long as I could remember.

I wanted to run to him as he walked away, but I was rooted to the spot. I wanted to scream his name, to have him turn around, but I could not and he did not. I could only watch as his retreating back disappeared, his figure getting smaller as he strode off into the distance.

The bleachers I stood on gave way under my feet and I fought the feeling of losing my balance. Gravity is winning, as It always did and it was taking me down.

I woke up shaking, struggling to breathe. It took me a few minutes to reorient myself to where I am. Once I realized I was home, in the safety of my room, I hugged my knees to my chest as I stared out my windows, the sound of footsteps on the snow covered ground outside rousing me from my half sleep state. My heart beating fast, I put my slippers on and ran out of my room. I climbed up the stairs, taking two steps at a time, and opened the door to the deck, uncaring that all I wore was a pair of pants and a long sleeved shirt.

My eyes scanned through the front yard frantically and saw nothing. Still I fixed a smile on my face and closed my eyes. The whisper of a breeze carried his name and I started counting down, just as he's done twice before. Both times he had been there, both times he had found his way to me. Maybe he'll appear again, I thought. Maybe I can will him back.

"10... 9... 8... 7... 6..."

At the halfway mark I shut my eyes tightly, hoping against all hope that when I opened them again he will be here.

"5... 4..."

"Na Jeong-ah, what are you doing?" I heard a voice ask behind me but I didn't respond, didn't even give the person the courtesy of turning around.

"3... 2... 2..."

"Na Jeong-ah?" the voice said again. When still I didn't respond I heard the sound of the door closing.

"2... 2... 1..."

I opened my eyes just in time to see Ae Jung walk up to the front door, with a friendly wave my way when she met my eyes. My smile felt glued to my face and my lips started trembling at their own accord.

Did you think it was that easy? The little voice asked. You were foolish then and you're even more foolish now.

The voice was angry, derisive. It was full of judgment, a reflection of the anger that I felt, not at the situation but at myself. Worse yet was the knowledge that no matter how much I berated myself, Joon was gone.

He was gone.

"Joon-ah," I said, indignantly at first, as if the sound of my anger would bring him back. I don't even deserve this, I thought, not even the mention of his name from my lips, but I will still take it. This is still here. This is still mine. Only the silence and stillness responded, and I felt my face crumple.

"Joon-ah," I whispered, my voice breaking.

Still only the nothingness surrounded me, and I drew a desperate breath. I felt myself lose what little grasp over my emotions and the dam broke.

Pain struck me then, like a punch to the gut. It was sharp, heavy, and unstoppable. It stole every breath from my body and rendered it useless. Regret came too, in equal measure, and it was also as unforgiving. I am at the mercy of these two emotions and I needed them both to stop.

Joon needs to be here. He needs to come back. He needs to come back now.

"JOON-AH! JOON-AH! JOON-AH! JOON-AH!"

I called out his name for what seemed like a million times, the sound like a prayer in my head. I said it until my voice was hoarse, until the energy has been sapped from my body. I said it as tears continued to fall from my eyes, as my body folded into itself, an arm clutching at my abdomen and another at my heart. I really thought if I spoke loud enough, he would surely hear me. Joon always heard me. Joon always saw me.

My heart felt like it was splintering, shattering. And still I kept on saying his name. It was the only thing I had left, and I held onto it for dear life.

"Jesus," I heard Yoon Jin's voice say, as she draped a thick blanket over me. "You're frozen! What are you doing out here at this time? You're going to get sick!"

The anger in her voice disappeared when she saw that I was trembling, my eyes closed. I could feel the tears flowing down my cheeks, down my neck. They seemed endless. I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. I was suffocating, choking. I tried to take some deep breaths, but the air refused to move into me, refused to give me relief.

She lifted my face then to take a better look at me, and as soon as she saw my face she started crying too.

"I don't understand," I said, my voice caught in a sob. "I don't understand. He was here and then he was gone. He didn't even tell me goodbye. How can this be? I don't understand."

She ran a hand down my hair and I started crying even harder. The sounds coming out of me were indiscernible, hysterical. I struggled against her embrace, trying to fight off the comfort she offered, but she wouldn't let go. She kept her arms firmly wrapped around me, willing me to calm down. I don't know how long we stayed there like that, but somehow, with some effort, she managed to get me to my feet before leading me back into the door, one arm on my back, and a hand on my arm.

"What the hell..." Haitai said and she quieted him down with one look.

She continued walking with me, hiding my face from Binggrae and Samcheonpo, who were both standing outside their doors. She guided me down the stairs, and back into my room. She sat me down on the side of the bed before taking my slippers off, rubbing my arms through the blanket that covered my shoulders. I was silent, exhausted. And my heart... My heart felt as if it has been crushed under the weight of a million different things. It was broken, mangled, and unrecognizable as being mine.

Though she continued to look at me, Yoon Jin didn't criticize, berate or ask any questions. She sat down next to me and held my hand in silence. When Omma and Appa came home, she stood up quickly and went outside my bedroom. I vaguely heard her telling them that I was already asleep.

I laid down on my side, curled myself up and turned towards the windows. I heard the door open again before I felt her lift my covers from the end of the bed over my shoulders. And then she did something I didn't expect. She laid down on the bed next to me, something she hasn't done since our Yonsei days.

I waited for her to speak, but she didn't. She just laid next to me, wrapped up in her own thoughts. My eyes closed even though willed myself to stay awake. Alas my body has given out and given in. It seems that it has also had enough for one day, just like my mind, and just like my heart.

## February 26, 2000

##  11:00 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

When I opened my eyes again, it was morning and Yoon Jin was still in the same position, already awake. Sunlight poured through the curtains in my room and she gave me a smile as soon as our eyes met.

"Do you feel better?" She asked gently.

Though my eyes felt puffy and my throat felt achy, I do feel a little bit better and I nodded. The discomfort I'm feeling right now at having had this meltdown in front of Yoon Jin reminded me of why I had made the conscious choice not to feel and not to show how I'm feeling. It just made me feel vulnerable and others uncomfortable.

"I'm glad. Na Jeong-ah," she said, her voice soft and calm. "You might not think so, but it's a good thing you finally cried. You had me scared for the last month."

I didn't know how to respond so I just stayed quiet instead.

"When you lose something that means that much to you, you have to be able to mourn and grieve. It's a part of the process. You know that, right?"

"Yeah," I said, my voice small.

"It's going to get better, you know," she tried to reassure me. "I promise it will get better."

"When will it get better?" I asked softly. "I can do it if you can give me an exact date."

I heard her chuckle behind me before she responded. "Yah... I'm not a psychic."

At her response I felt a small smile come over my face and I looked away. We were laying side by side by side, both looking up at the ceiling.

"Na Jeong-ah."

"Hmm?"

She didn't say anything right away, but I felt her hesitation and her uncertainty. Just when I believed that this is how we will stay, I heard her speak. "I didn't want to tell you because you've been so sad, but Samcheonpo asked me to marry him a week ago and I accepted."

I turned to my side and looked at my friend, even as she wouldn't look my eyes, perhaps afraid that I would be angry that everything in her life was coming together and everything in mine was falling to pieces.

That my best friend couldn't even share the happiest news for fear of hurting me even more made me realize that I've been blind to the others around me, as if I am the first person that anyone has ever left, as if I am the only one who has ever experienced heartbreak. It also made me realize that I still have so much growing up to do.

"I'm sorry, Yoon Jin-ah," I said, trying to make my voice sound as bright as possible. "I'm really sorry. I'm really selfish, right?"

"I didn't tell you now so you can feel bad," she said softly. She seemed hell-bent on avoiding my gaze that I was surprised when she suddenly faced me. "Na Jeong-ah, you're my best friend. You have to be happy."

"Of course I'm happy for you, Yoon Jin-ah, " I said, my tone softening. "That you would even think I wouldn't..."

"My happiness will not be complete if you're not happy too," she said. "It might be difficult, but somehow you have to be as well, okay? There are far worse things in life than being alone for the right reasons. The first step to getting the love that you really deserve is by finding out who you are. You deserve the best. If you know the Na Jeong that I know, the Na Jeong I grew up with, you'll understand this, too."

"Wow," I teased, trying to keep my tone light, though her words made me pause and think. "You've become so wise, Yoon Jin-ah. I'm impressed."

"There's a reason why I'm the one getting married and you're not," she deadpanned and I gaped at her before pretending to look for something I could throw. She chuckled before raising herself from the bed, then grabbing the covers off me. "Let's eat."

"Yah..."

"Come on," she insisted, pulling my arm.

I took her hand from my arm and gave it a small squeeze "Thank you, Yoon Jin-ah. I don't know what I would do without you."

"What are friends for, right?" She answered with a wink before pulling her hand away and putting her slippers on. "Besides you can pay me back by going wedding dress shopping with me."

"But I hate going shopping."

"Exactly," she said. "it wouldn't be payback if you liked doing it. Consider it your penance for worrying me to death."

At this she walked out of my door and I sat up. My body is awake but my mind feels like it's been through a wringer. I'm tired of it. It's been a month and I'm tired of forcing myself not to feel. Because I feel A LOT! Thinking back on the last two months I can feel a full gamut of emotions taking over.

Feeling a frantic and restless energy and with no avenue to use it on, I started pacing my room back and forth. I went to my windows and pulled the curtains to the side. I am not comfortable with feeling out of control. I cannot think clearly and my heart feels like it's about to jump out of my chest all the time. Trying to calm myself down I attempted to think sensibly. I can't control what already happened, and I certainly can't control the future... So for now I'll just deal with what I still have some control over.

I grabbed a towel and some clean clothes and went to the bathroom. I washed my face and while drying it I studied my reflection on the mirror. A face that looks a little like mine stared back at me. I noted my dull eyes, my sickly colour and my mouth in a scowl. Frustrated I went in the shower and started getting cleaned up. Reflecting back on my conversation with Yoon Jin, I scrubbed my skin until it was raw. Ha! He's got another thing coming if he thinks he can get rid of me that easily. He thought that I was beautiful before, but I'm going to be so much more beautiful when he comes back that he'll die.

Going into my room to get dressed I noted that the last month has taken its toll. My room was a mess. This will not do, I thought. I started picking up dirty clothes from the floor and put them in the washing machine. Yoon Jin and the rest of the boarders were already In the kitchen and I ignored them as I went about completing my tasks. It felt good to be moving again, to have something occupy my mind.

I was opening one of my windows to air out the room when I saw that there was still snow on the ground. For a second, I could see myself and Joon frolicking in the snow like children. My resistance weakened by everything that's happened, my heart ached inside my chest. If I just close my eyes, I can see him in front of me again, his callused hands holding mine, his strong arms wrapped around me. I remember clearly how his heart beat under my fingers.

Don't think about him, I scolded myself. He left you. He's gone.

I sat down on the side of my bed, trying to rub away the persistent pain in my chest. I need to start sorting these emotions one by one, or I might repeat last night's meltdown. I had tackled some of the hurt, but that feeling seems bottomless right now. It's too much for me to handle still, especially after last night.

He loves me? He loves me? Bullshit! If he loves me, how could he leave just like that? The anger bubbled over in an instant, and I was relieved. This emotion I can definitely handle, I thought, and I quickly stood up. Pacing back and forth in the room I continued my mental tirade until the sight of my puppy distracted me. He was sitting on the bed and I pointed a finger at him.

"This is your fault," I said accusingly.

Decidedly getting more and more irate with each minute I felt an uncontrollable urge to throw something. Love? Love? Has he even called to ask how I'm doing? Did he even think about letting me know how he's doing? Fine... Whatever... He doesn't care. I won't care either. That's a lie. I can't not care.

Sitting back down I acknowledged that I care more than I wish I did and more than I am even comfortable with. This got me thinking. If I have a hard time admitting it just to myself, was I supposed to admit it to him so readily? When he asked me how I felt about him I was caught by surprise. If he just gave me more time I would have been able to give him a definite answer.

But would it have been enough? Would my answer have stopped him from leaving? Am I ready for everything he has to offer? Tears threatening to spill from my eyes again, I forced myself to stop thinking of him. The answers to those questions don't matter anymore. If they did, he'd still be here.

My thoughts were interrupted by the noises in the kitchen and with sudden urgency I got up out of my room and walked in on Yoon Jin, Haitai, Samcheonpo and Binggrae eating. Seeing me, Samcheonpo broke out into a smile.

"Na Jeong-ah!" He exclaimed and everyone turned towards my direction. "Omma went to the hospital with Coach, so we bought food instead." Yoon Jin had just stood up to get me a plate when I spoke.

"I'm not eating." Yoon Jin stopped in her tracks and turned to look at me. "Someone just tell me if he arrived safely." They all continued to look at me but no one offered a response. At their silence, my frustration finally took over. "SOMEONE TELL ME IF HE GOT THERE FINE!"

Scanning their faces I saw relief on Yoon Jin's, fear on Samcheonpo's, surprise on Haitai's and avoidance on Binggrae's. My eyes blazing in anger, I noted everyone's discomfort except for Yoon Jin's. "Yah... If no one speaks up I'm going to start hitting people." From the corner of my eye I saw Haitai cower in his seat.

"He?" Samcheonpo asked. "Who's he?" Yoon Jin shook her head at him and he continued to look at Haitai and Binggrae's faces, who were pointedly avoiding my glare.

"Na Jeong-ah... He called when he landed. He sounded tired but he got there okay," Haitai finally said, albeit reluctantly.

Even the relief that coursed through me couldn't dampen my wrath. Turning on my heels I walked towards my room knowing they were all watching my back. Suddenly a thought occurred to me and I changed my mind. Striding back into the dining room I looked directly at Binggrae.

"You... You and I are going to have a talk one of these days," I warned him. When he stood up, I continued. "I'm not saying now. I'm still too mad. But one of these days we will have a serious discussion." Seeing that he still refused to look at me, I seethed. "And stop judging me!"

"Judging you about what? Na Jeong-ah, I don't know what you're talking about," he responded innocently, looking at his plate.

I know what he's doing... he Is trying to pretend that there had been nothing between me and Joon. The thought that he of all people would think this only agitated me more. We had something. We had something special. We had something good, until...

"Your cousin left me! HE'S the one who left ME!" I banged my hand on the table for emphasis. Finally he looked up with an amused expression on his face.

"You.... And Chilbong?" Samcheonpo said, puzzled. "When did this happen?" No one answered him. "Why didn't I know?"

"Jagiya," Yoon Jin called out gently. "Just keep eating."

"Do you want some ddukbokki?" Haitai asked hesitantly. My eyes zoomed in on the container in the middle of the table.

"What do you want to eat? Ddukbokki?" Chilbong's teasing voice echoed in my ears.

Grabbing the half eaten box of ddukbokki, I looked around to see if anyone will challenge me. "No one... I mean NO ONE is allowed ddukbokki in this house starting today. I MEAN IT!"

Across the table I saw Haitai with his lips opening and closing like a goldfish. As I fixed my glare back on him, he instantly closed his mouth. Samcheonpo continued eating like nothing happened and Binggrae was openly chuckling. Suddenly, Yoon Jin was next to me patting my shoulder.

"Welcome back, Na Jeong-ah," she said.

## Pacific Bell Park

##  San Francisco, California

##  February 24, 2000

##  Chilbong

Practice ended a couple of hours ago but I found myself reluctant to leave. Here, on the baseball mound, I felt more like myself than anywhere else. Playing baseball saved me from myself. Who knows what I would be doing if I didn't have it?

Being in a different country, surrounded by strangers, I made myself feel better knowing that I am finally doing something that was just for me. It was the most painful thing I ever had to do, but I know now that if I was able to do that, I can do anything. It feels like Seoul had been an eternity ago. The distance has helped me move past the pain. Maybe soon I'll be able to say that I've moved on. Now more than ever, I am convinced that I definitely did the right thing.

"Hey, Kim! How long are we gonna stay here? It's already 7 pm." My catcher, Scott, asked me. "I have a date," he added with a smile. I grinned back at him before I responded.

"You can leave," I answered. "I'll just throw a little bit longer and I'll go home too."

He nodded and took off his mask. Walking off the field he turned back and said, "Don't strain yourself. We'll be back here again in the morning."

"Thanks. See you tomorrow."

Once he was gone I was left alone again. I thought back on the conversation I had shared with our manager earlier today. I had just put a shirt on when I heard his voice.

"Kim!" At my name being called out I looked up. He motioned for me to into his office and I followed him. "JJ, how do you think you've been doing in practice?"

"Uhm, I think it's good, Coach. I feel like the extra training has paid off "

"I think so too. I just wanted to let you know that you'll be pitching for our first game." Surprised, I met his eyes. "Good job!"

"Thanks, Coach." Standing up, I had shaken his hand and exited his office. Hearing what Coach said just reinforced to me that my 10,000 hour rule really does pay off. I was always the first to arrive in practice and the last to leave. I always iced my shoulder meticulously and pushed myself on weight training days. Physically, I am in the best shape of my life. Surprisingly, mentally too. I'm definitely ready to show the world what I can do.

I now looked at the ball I held, finding comfort in its familiar weight. Adjusting my cap, I focused my eyes on a can sitting on one of the bleachers and threw the ball at it. With speed and precision the ball knocked it straight off. With a satisfied smile on my face I had just picked up another ball when a memory stopped me.

"Your position is pitcher, right?" Na Jeong asked.

"Yeah..."

"Then can you hit the top of that fire hydrant?"

"What are you going to do if I hit it?"

"I'll never ask you to play basketball again."

"You don't know how hard it is to hit that. Is that all you're going to give me?"

"What do you want?" she asked.

"Listen to one request," I said.

"What request?"

"I'll tell you once I hit it."

"Yah... I don't think you're going to make it so don't embarrass yourself and just tell me now."

I'd thrown the rock and knocked the can off before she even finished speaking.

"Come to my game."

The memory ended abruptly. I looked down and saw that I was squeezing the ball so tightly my knuckles had gone white. I shook my head at how naive I was. Did I really think it was that easy? Suddenly not feeling like throwing anymore, I quickly packed my gear and walked out of the stadium.

Unlocking the car, I placed my stuff in the trunk before I got in the driver's seat. Setting the GPS to my apartment, I heard my phone ringing. When I answered I heard my manager's voice on the other end of the line.

"Joon-ah, are you just now going home? Practice ended hours ago. I've called you six times," I heard him say.

"Yeah, Hyung. I stayed a little longer with Scott. I'm about to drive home now."

"Ahh, I remember why I called you. A package came from Korea. I left it on your front door. And don't forget you have English lessons tomorrow after practice."

"I got it. Thanks, Hyung." I hung up the phone and drove off to my apartment.

After I parked the car and locked it, I entered my apartment building. Walking into the elevators I didn't notice the admiring looks being sent my way by the women in it. Keeping my gaze straight ahead, I waited until the elevator stopped on my floor and stepped out quickly.

I picked up the package sitting in front of my apartment and unlocked the door. The lights automatically turned on as soon as I stepped in. Dropping my baseball gear in the entryway I carried the box to the kitchen. I examined the box for a minute, wondering who it could be from. All it said in the return address portion was Seoul, Korea. Omma? I shook my head. My mother would never do this sort of thing. Now curious, I carefully opened it by the seams with a knife. Peeling back the top of the box, I spied a handwritten note on top.

Chilbong-ah,

We thought you'd be missing home so we got you a few things we thought you'd need. We hope you stay healthy and eat well. We will be here when you get home. Fighting!

Omma and Coach

P.S. Don't yell at your cousin for giving us your address. Coach hit him until he gave in.

With the biggest smile on my face, I started taking all the items out of the box. There was a big jar of cabbage kimchi, a smaller one of radish kimchi, a tub of red pepper paste and a tub of bean paste. There were also health drinks and on the bottom, wrapped with a ribbon was a pair of red hand knit gloves. With the gloves came a separate note.

Bong-ah,

I wasn't sure how big your hands are so I used Samcheonpo's for reference. If they're too tight or too loose, Seoul Omma is sorry. I will fix it when you come back. You don't have to wear them, but I made them just for you.

Omma

Trying the gloves on for size, I felt tears come to my eyes. Overwhelmed, I quickly grabbed a fork and started eating the kimchi straight from the jar. Thank God Dong Joon moved into Sincheon Boarding House. I suddenly missed home so much it hurt. It's 8:30 p.m. here, so it must be 1:30 p.m. there. I picked up the phone and briefly hesitated dialling, unsure whether Na Jeong would be home. Nah, I thought, it's Friday and the middle of the day so she should be at work. I had to consciously stop myself from wondering how she's doing. It doesn't matter, dummy.

After the third ring I heard Omma's voice. "Omma, it's Chilbong."

I heard her intake of breath before she spoke enthusiastically over the phone. "Omo, Bong-ah! How are you? Are you eating well? Are you staying warm?" She sounded so happy to hear my voice that it made me smile just listening to her.

"Yeah, Omma, I'm doing well. My coach and teammates are really nice so I've been adjusting easily. I wanted to thank you for the package you sent." Before I could speak any more, I heard Coach's voice take over the phone.

"Chilbong-ah, is that you? Aigoo, they're not working you too hard are they? Tell them you need rest okay?"

"I'll tell them, Coach-nim. Don't worry," I reassured him. I heard some arguing on the other end of the line before Omma spoke again.

"Bong-ah, everyone's at work so it's just us here right now. I'll tell them you called though, if you want me to."

"No, that's okay, Omma. You don't have to tell anyone I called. I called to just speak to you and Coach anyway. I'll email the rest of them."

"Ask him when he's coming home and when he'll call again!" I heard Coach yell in the background.

"I don't think I need to ask him. You're so loud I'm sure he heard you," she tsked before addressing me again. "Ahhh Bong-ah, you heard right?"

"I don't think I'll be able to come home until after the season ends. My schedule is pretty packed until then. But I'll call you guys regularly. This time, every Friday, if that's okay."

"Really?" She asked. "I'm sad that you can't come home anytime soon but I understand. Every Friday afternoon is perfect." Sounding like she's covering the receiver with her hand, I heard her muffled voice yell back at Coach-nim. "Yeobo, Chilbong says he's going to call us every Friday at this time!"

"Omma, I have to go now. Practice starts early tomorrow and I still have a lot to do."

She bid me goodbye and I hung up the phone. I thought about how good it felt to hear their voices. It makes me feel a little closer to home, a little closer to her. At the unbidden image of Na Jeong that popped up in my head I felt my heart clench inside my chest. Don't think about her. She's not thinking about you.

I leaned back on the chair and watched the city lights twinkle from my windows. I got up an hour later and did my laundry while I showered. The television played while I checked my email. Half an hour later I climbed into bed, prepared to spend the day tomorrow like I did today and just like I did yesterday. My life has become all about routines, but at least I felt safe. Living this way, nothing will ever take me by surprise ever again.

## February 28, 2000

##  11:30 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

It was almost lunchtime when I took a break from work. Pulling my phone out of my purse I saw seven missed calls from Omma. I dialled her number quickly, wondering what she could be needing so urgently. She answered after the fourth ring. "Na Jeong-ah, is that you?"

"Omma, I just took a break from work and saw that you called. What happened?"

"I hate to ask you but I'm out of the house and your Appa just told me that he's out of his pain medication. He's in a lot of pain and he can't go to the pharmacy by himself with both of his legs in casts. Is there any way you can pick it up on your lunch break and swing it by at home?"

"Omma, I'll just take a half day from work so I can be home with him. He shouldn't be alone anyway after taking his medication."

"Na Jeong-ah, thank you. I'll try to be home as quickly as possible, but traffic..."

"Omma it's okay," I interrupted. "Don't be rushing home. Take your time. I'll be with Appa."

I quickly finished up the work I was doing and spoke to my manager. Thankfully he didn't give me a hard time about having to leave work early. I grabbed my coat and left the office.

On my way to the pharmacy I stopped to look at a pair of shoes on display when the television screens in the electronics section of the store caught my attention. I stared at the gigantic plasma screen on display showing Joon's picture, my heart in my heart throat. They had used a picture from our university days and seeing Joon the way he was when we first met left my throat constricted. Feeling my heart crack, I took in his handsome face, his little boy smile, his broad shoulders and long legs. I had to consciously stop myself from reaching instinctively to touch the screen.

"We have been informed that Kim Jae Joon-ssi and his team, the San Francisco Giants, will be holding a press conference before training camp begins, scheduled for next week. As you all know, he left Korea a month ago to prepare for his career in the United States. His manager informs us that he has been training hard and we here cannot wait for the season to start."

And just like that his picture was gone. With shaky steps I walked up the stairs to the pharmacy. By the time I was on my way back to our house, I had already composed myself.

Wasn't that a little bit easier?

I nodded to myself in response.

But when will the pain actually stop?

To that question I had no answer and I quickly made my way home.

"Appa... I'm home!" I called out as I was entering the house. Looking around he was nowhere to be found. "Appa?" I went to the kitchen and he wasn't there either. Growing more frantic I opened the master bedroom door. "APPA!" My father was lying on his side, face clenched in pain. Running to where he was, I sat down next to him. "Appa, are you okay? I'm sorry it took me so long. Let's sit you up and take your medicine, okay?" Helping him sit up I pulled his medication out of my bag. I grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and gave him his pill. "It's going to take a few minutes but hopefully it will help with the pain. Why did you wait to call me? What if I didn't check my phone?"

"Ahhhh.. Gashina... who are you scolding right now?" Mustering up a smile he pointed at me. "Daughter." Then at himself. "Appa." Breathing through the pain he paused before speaking again. "I'll be fine once the medication kicks in. Don't worry, Appa is as strong as an ox."

"Are you hungry? Do you want something to eat?" Standing up I was getting ready to go to the kitchen when my father grabbed my hand.

"Na Jeong-ah, sit down." Seeing my reluctance, he patted the space next to him. "When was the last time I got to see my daughter by myself? Humour your Appa and sit down for a few minutes. Once this medication makes its way into my system I might get sleepy so I want to talk to you now." I nodded and sat down. Folding my hands in front of me I waited for him to speak again. "My daughter..." I lifted my eyes to see his face looking at me fondly. "My beautiful daughter, Appa is sorry. "

"Appa, that's not..." I said uneasily.

"Once I'm asleep, I give you permission to talk and even yell if you want. But for now just let me finish okay?" It was a few minutes before he continued. "I know that you've been going through a difficult time. That's why I didn't call you. I thought I'll be fine until your Omma came home."

"But, Appa, this is..." Seeing his hand raised to hit me I quickly shut up.

"Yah, didn't I ask you not to interrupt?" He glared at me then paused, as if thinking of what to say. "You haven't been yourself since you came home from Australia. Before, I wasn't going to say anything because you looked happy. But now, you just look..." Terrible? Miserable? Crazy? I finished in my head. "... Sad. You haven't spoken to me or your Omma about what happened there. I'm not asking you to talk about it now, but I hope you know you can talk to us." Clearing his throat he proceeded. "Jung Gook came to see me at the hospital when I was there. He didn't give me any specifics but I figured out what happened." Surprised I looked up, seeing my father with a sheen of tears in his eyes. "I keep thinking to myself that if I hadn't made those bad investments, we wouldn't have lost our money and you wouldn't have needed to go. Maybe you two could have worked it out. I don't know..." Taking my hand, he looked me straight in the eyes. "I'm sorry... Appa is useless sometimes."

"Appa, you're not..."

"Na Jeong-ah... If you interrupt me one more time I'm really going to hit you," he warned me. "In any case, I got the impression that Jung Gook still loves you. Do you love him still?" When I didn't respond he added, "I know you two have met up and spoken. Are you getting back together?" I remained silent at his question and I could feel him looking at me closely from the corner of my eye. "Yah... You can talk now."

"Appa..." I started, unsure how to proceed. "I don't know how I feel. I really don't. I wish I did. To be honest I haven't even thought about it." And I haven't. The realization that my thoughts have been fully about Joon and not Oppa surprised me as well. "Appa... You've been friends with his father for a long time. I don't want to disappoint you." Because I will. If I didn't marry Oppa my parents will surely be disappointed.

"Na Jeong-ah..." Appa said, putting an arm around my shoulder. "If you still love him and want to try again, that's okay. But if you don't love him anymore, that's okay too. You don't have to do anything because you think that's what we want. It's your life. And your choice. No matter what you decide... Get married, not get married, to Jung Gook or whomever... Your family will always support you. Your Omma and I just want you to be happy." A rush of relief flowed through my veins and I hugged my father gratefully. Surprised, he chuckled then gave me a little squeeze before pulling away. "Yah... Do you even realize that this is the most you've spoken since I've come home? You've been so quiet I wondered where my daughter was. Sook Sook asked me too, if something was wrong with you."

"I'm sorry for worrying you, Appa."

"I'm getting sleepy now so I'm going to rest," he said, lying down on the floor. "Wake me up in two hours, okay?"

"Got it."

I leaned down and gave my father a hug before I covered him with a blanket. I had my hand on the doorknob to leave when I heard him say my name.

"Na Jeong-ah." Turning around, I looked at him questioningly. "Don't tell your Omma how you found me okay? She'll worry and she won't leave me alone. That woman likes to share my pain." With a wink and a wistful smile he laid down and closed his eyes. I stayed looking at him for a few minutes before I walked to my room.

## 7:30 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

The persistent beeping sound in my room woke me up. Not even realizing that I've fallen asleep I rubbed my eyes and stretched as I reached to look at my phone. Confused I read the text message.

It's me, Oppa. Can you come see me right now? I'm a little sick

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Is this how my life is going to be? When I needed one, the other is there, and when I want to talk to one, the other texts. I knew that our meeting at the coffee shop wasn't the end of it but I didn't expect him to be the first to reach out again.

I got dressed quickly and went to the kitchen. Grabbing some items from my table, the refrigerator and the kitchen, I was on my way out when I bumped into Haitai coming home.

"Na Jeong-ah, you're going out?" When I nodded, he asked, "Where are you going?"

I hesitated before I answered. "Oppa is sick. I'm just going to see him for a little while."

"Are you okay going on your own? Do you need me to come with you?" I shook my head no.

"I'll be alright," I reassured him. "I have to do this on my own."

Outside it was snowing again, end of season flurries that didn't stick to the ground. I walked briskly to the street and hailed a cab. On my way to see Oppa, I found myself reflecting back on Yoon Jin's words a few days ago, as well as all my choices the last two years. Though I have grown up a little, I realized that if someone was to ask me at this moment in time who I am or what I wanted, I would have no clue how to answer. I thought about how different my life would have been had I decided to get married two years ago to Oppa. It makes me sad to finally understand that had I been married years ago I never would have the opportunity to find out who I really am.

My whole life I defined myself by the roles expected of me. I was a daughter, a little sister, a friend, a girlfriend and a fiancée. I never felt the need to know more about myself because I never had to. Though I had been engaged in the past, it had been to someone who has known me from childhood. He already knew everything about me so I never felt the need to change, aware that he would always take me back to who I am... Or who he thinks I am. I never wanted to rock the boat, afraid that if I changed too much I would no longer be the Na Jeong that he loved. Rather than change into myself I changed out of myself to become who I thought he wanted me to be. In the end it's ironic that our relationship fell apart because I changed into someone who I thought he could spend his life with and he was unwilling or unable to change into the person I needed him to be. With a start, I realized that hindsight really is a bitch.

Getting out of the cab I shook off my nerves before heading towards Oppa's apartment. While in the elevator, I ran through all possible scenarios in my mind, trying to figure out what to do for each. By the time the elevator stopped on his floor I still wasn't sure what to expect so I just stopped worrying about it altogether.

I hesitated for a minute before knocking on his door. Taking a deep breath, I decided to bite the bullet and just do it. Oppa opened the door after a few minutes. He stood at the doorway, leaning against the wall for support. His face looked pale and he looked sick. Coughing a few times, he allowed me into his apartment without a word. Looking around, his apartment was still a mess, not unlike the last time I came here and cleaned up. Clearing a bit of litter from his couch, I took off my coat and sat down. He sat down across from me and waited for me to make the next move. Reaching into my bag, I picked out some items and offered it to him, along with a plastic container.

"What's all this?"

"I brought you some medication for your cold. The plastic container has Omma's soup and the drink is one of Appa's health drinks." Meeting his eyes I noted that I felt nothing more than concern. No butterflies, no nerves, no excitement. Nothing.

"Thanks." He looked as if he was thinking of what to say before he spoke again. "How is everyone?"

I looked hard at him before releasing a breath. "Oppa... I know you didn't call me out here to make small talk. Just say what's on your mind and tell me why I'm really here."

Looking like he hadn't been expecting my response, he took a deep breath before he spoke again. "Na Jeong-ah... I still love you. I want to know if we can try again."

His words might have swayed me if they had come a year and a half ago, maybe a year ago. Before I learned that I could live without him. Before I understood that I could grow without him. But now... Suddenly I saw our situation as clear as day. I don't know why I didn't see this before but now I know what I need to do... Something I should have done a long long time ago.

"Oppa, thank you for telling me..." I started, my voice hesitant but certain. I know it's the right thing to do, but I don't want to hurt him. I had to take a deep breath before continuing. "...but I don't think I can do that."

"Listen... I know I messed up. Oppa is sorry. I can fix this." His face was beseeching, his hands folded together in front of him as he sat down.

I noted his nervousness and sympathized. As his little sister I never wanted it to end like this. But I never wanted it to the end the way it did, either. Things just... happen. Had we been more vigilant in protecting what we shared this scene would not be playing out now. I don't want to wound him, but there really is no way around it now.

"No, Oppa, we can't." I paused before continuing. "This was not just your fault. Our relationship fell apart because neither of us tried hard enough."

"Is it because of Chilbong?" Surprised, I met his gaze. His eyes were looking at me intensely, his mouth set in an angry line.

"No," I answered, shaking my head. "It's not because of him. It's because of me. Did you know that I don't even have a favourite colour? I don't even know the simplest things about myself."

"Of course you have a favourite colour." He insisted, bristling. "It's blue. And I really don't know what this has to do with anything. "

"Oppa... I liked blue because I knew it was your favourite. If someone asked me why I liked blue I would have answered, 'because Oppa does'. I think I need to figure out who I really am on my own."

"Did Chilbong put all these ideas in your head?"

"Oppa, is it wrong for me to want to become a better woman and a better person? Isn't it time for me to grow up?" I tried to keep my voice neutral before speaking again. "And why do you keep bringing Joon into this?"

"I know Chilbong's back." At my questioning look, he added, a little bitterly, "Appa mentioned that you spent some time with him since he's returned. Chilbong has liked you for a long time."

Feeling my hackles rise, I didn't even try to control my temper before responding to him. "Joon had nothing to do with my decision. He's not even around me anymore. Why do you keep bringing him into this anyway? And you don't get to talk about him that way. You don't get to say his name like that."

"What did I say about him?" He challenged, his eyes angry. "How did I say his name?"

Unable to control my emotions, I started speaking, my voice getting louder with each sentence until I was screaming at him. "You don't get to talk about him like he did something wrong. And you don't get to say his name so casually and in such a horrible way. You have no right."

"Why? Why don't I have the right to do that?"

"Because Joon is a good person... He's not perfect, but he's strong and he's kind and he's honest and he's supportive. He gives so much of himself without expecting anything in return." I paused and took a deep breath. "And we're not talking about him, we're talking about us."

"I think that if Chilbong wasn't in the picture, you would be willing to try."

Suddenly exhausted from this conversation, I stood up and put my coat on. I hardened my expression before addressing him. "Oppa, believe what you want to believe."

"I really think we can make us work again. I can..."

I looked him in the eyes before speaking again. Uncaring of how I may sound, I said exactly what was on my mind. "Can you listen to yourself? Do you realize that since I came, all you've been talking about is what YOU think, how YOU feel, and how YOU'RE sorry even though the fault wasn't even just yours alone? Did you even ask me once what I wanted? THIS is the reason why I can't go back, not because of anything else."

"Just like some things, Oppa, some people never change. You can say you'll try, but you and I both know that you're someone who stays the same. You've been this way for as long as I've known you. That's what makes you a great brother. You're consistent and unchanging, and I always took comfort in that, and in you. But I'm not like you. I didn't realize it until just now... But I've already changed." Grabbing my purse I was already almost at the door when I turned around one more time. "You sit there and tell me you love me, but you don't bother to ask if I still loved you. Has it ever occurred to you that there might come a time when I didn't feel the same?" I reached into my purse and took out the box that held my engagement ring and placed it on the table. "If I haven't given you enough reasons to convince you why we can't start over, maybe this last one will do the job. I'm not in love with you anymore."

I didn't wait for his response before I made my way out the door. Strangely I wasn't emotional at all. I felt calm and in control. For the first time in years I felt like myself again. There are some things that I wished I never had to do but knew I had to do. Settling things with Oppa had been one of them. It was a chapter in my life that I needed to resolve, if I had any chance of giving myself the happy ending I deserved. I gave myself an imaginary pat on the shoulder for taking my first step towards self-discovery and a small smile, the first genuine one since Joon left, formed on my lips.

I may not know who I am yet, but now I have the chance to find out. I may not know what I want yet either, but now at least I've given myself the opportunity to find that out as well. I am no longer restrained by any limitations or any obligations. My only responsibility was the future of my heart, and for the first time in a long time, I looked ahead towards my future. Stripped of my unsettled past, I finally felt free.

## Acquerello Restaurant

## San Francisco, California

## March 10, 2000

##  8:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

I took another sip of the white wine in front of me as I tried to pay attention to my date as she spoke. Though I tried to stay attentive, I couldn't help but look around the restaurant, never having been here before. The cathedral ceiling had exposed beams that made the place appear more spacious than it is, the tables configured around a center table, where an illuminated vase with a large flower arrangement sat. The crisp linens on the table were understated and simple, the silver utensils gleaming in the light. The soft glow lent an intimate air. I stopped myself from being so distracted and forced my gaze back to my dinner companion.

Her name was Amanda, and she wanted to be an actress. She spoke animatedly, her generous mouth breaking out into a warm smile every so often. She is very pretty, with wide set blue eyes, eyes that I know might turn into a deep sapphire or a light blue, like the colour of the sky at its clearest. Her long blonde hair framed her heart shaped face, bright sparkly baubles on her ears. Her face was perfectly and meticulously done, the makeup subtle but effective, the whole palette directed towards drawing attention to her ruby red lips. Her voice was perfectly modulated as she spoke, her conversation polite. The dress she wore complemented her slim shoulders. She smelled of expensive perfume, one that drifted alluringly towards me now.

I was not so unfamiliar with dating that I didn't know what was expected of me. I knew enough to wear a suit, knew enough to bring her a bouquet of flowers. I knew enough to compliment her when we introduced ourselves. I had ordered for both of us when she seemed undecided. I did everything that was expected of me, so that it won't reflect badly on the teammate who set us up.

She was funny and intelligent, very American. And she was a vision in her off white dress, the picture of California cool. I didn't miss the way other people's eyes turned to look at her when we were shown to our tables. She was a beautiful woman, one who should be my ideal, just as I'm sure a lot of men would regard her.

Except she wasn't.

Images of another woman danced around in my brain, her hair unkempt, her face bare. Her unpainted mouth on mine. Her hazel eyes transforming from the greenest green to the lightest brown depending on her mood. Someone whose scent I couldn't erase from my memories, no matter how much I tried. A voice on the verge of a temper tantrum, unrestrained and angry, a huff before an indignant curse. The memory brought a smile to my face and then a frown.

This is not healthy, Kim Jae Joon. Stop thinking about her.

I've been gone from Korea for a couple of months and still, thoughts of her persisted, a recurring memory. I've kept up with my Friday phone dates with her parents, emailed our friends regularly every week. I haven't asked about her, have convinced myself I didn't care. And yet the memory of her was ingrained in my head and in my heart. It has become such a part of me that I sometimes believe it's become an extension of myself.

The glimmer of light on my wine glass brought me back to the present and I looked up at Amanda to see her watching me.

"JJ," she said as she pointed a fork at my bowl. "Are you not hungry?"

"I am," I said, making a show of spearing the grape tomatoes and burratta before putting them in my mouth. "This salad is delicious."

"I agree," she said with a smile. "What made you choose this restaurant?"

And so this is how regular date conversation really begins. The casual exchange of friendly conversation starts now.

"Ah, it came highly recommended," I said, not making mention of the fact that it had the one quality I looked for in a restaurant now that I lived here in America: the prix fixe menu.

I started my English lessons last month, and though I was progressing well, I still understood the language better than I spoke it. The set menu ensured more limited choices, and I was confident at least, that I would be able to pick out an item that I recognized.

"So," she said. "How are you finding San Francisco?"

"It's beautiful," I replied. "The weather is gorgeous all year round. It's perfect for baseball players." Realizing that I probably shouldn't let the lady lead the conversation, I directed a question back at her amiably. "What brings you here?"

"I stay in LA full time but I have a lot of friends here, so I travel here often. You should visit sometime... I think you'll like it there as well. There are great beaches. Is it really different here from Korea?"

"Yes," I said more quickly than I had planned. Thankfully, blessedly so. Here I didn't have to worry about bumping into people, about going to places that reminded me of her. Amanda raised an eyebrow at me and I placed a smile on my face. "Korea is very small. Seoul is very crowded and busy. San Francisco feels a lot more laid back. It's a city that doesn't feel like a city, if you know what I mean."

"I know exactly what you mean," she said brightly. "Did you buy an apartment here or..."

"I'm renting a place in the SoMa district," I said. "The rent is crazy but it's close to the stadium. And the security is top notch."

She nodded at me as the servers came to clear our plates.

"You must miss your family, though, right? And your friends?" She asked as she looked at me over her wine glass. "I think about what I would miss if I were to move abroad, and they're the first things that come to mind."

"Yeah, but my parents stay busy. And my friends..." I cleared my throat. "My friends all keep in touch with me."

The servers came back and deposited a plate of risotto in front of me and a plate of gnocchi for her, along with a basket of bread. I patted myself silently on the back for finally agreeing to be set up. Before the season starts I have more free time than I am comfortable with, and I could think of less pleasant things to be doing than having dinner with a perfectly attractive woman. Even if my mind firmly stayed thinking about another woman.

I took a bite of the risotto in front of me, realizing that I was hungrier than I thought. Either that or I was completely lost as to how to proceed with this date. Amanda picked at her gnocchi, and I wondered for a minute if something was wrong.

"Is something wrong with your dish?" I asked.

"No, no..." She said, a little embarrassed. Colour jumped into her cheeks and she bit her bottom lip. "I'm just trying to pace myself. There are three more courses after this."

My mind made the comparison to another woman I used to know, someone who could probably eat a whole pig, and then still be hungry for more, before I could tell it to stop. That my mind can't help going back to her was something I can't help, but I don't have to like it. It's not fair to my date, or any other woman, to be compared to her.

At this realization, I gave Amanda my most charming smile. As if surprised she smiled back at me even wider. I can feel the way she was openly assessing me, could feel the admiration in her gaze. It was a little uncomfortable, being studied this way. I was mentally picturing the list of questions I had written earlier, safe questions that any man should be asking on a date, but my mind was coming up blank. This is ridiculous, I thought to myself. I'm 26 years old, and it's not like I haven't done this before. Maybe I am a little rustier than I previously thought.

"JJ," Amanda started, as our plates were cleared once more. "This may seem a bit candid, especially for a first date, but I like to know right off the bat what I'm dealing with, so I have to ask. Did you leave someone in Korea? A girlfriend? A wife?"

"No," I said decisively. "I left no one like that behind."

She released a relieved breath then, as if I had just eased her mind. It was the truth. I didn't leave anyone behind, at least no one who would be hurt that I am now going on dates.

"Great!" She said enthusiastically and I couldn't help but grin. It was nice to be in the presence of a woman who looked like she truly enjoyed my company, even though I didn't think that I was doing that well. "Well, now I can get into the nitty gritty."

Nitty gritty? What does that expression mean? I got the feeling that I was about to find out.

"Let's talk first loves."

"What? Why?"

"I like talking about these things on a first date. It gives me a better idea as to why the person I'm on a date with is single." I didn't say anything and she continued to speak. "Unless of course you don't want to talk about it?"

If I refused to talk about it, then she will know that it's complicated. If I did speak about it, I'm afraid my voice would betray that same fact. I could make sure to keep my voice even, God knows I've done so in the past, but not talking about it is basically an admission of guilt.

"It's fine," I said. "It's fine."

"So, tell me about her," she said, her voice dropping low. The servers came back with our third course, a plate of duck with blackberries and hibiscus for her, a plate of steak with radicchio, squash and red peppers for me. I took a bite of my steak before I answered her.

"She was... is," I corrected myself, "very smart. She's warm and funny. Very funny." Thinking about her, talking about her, one would think that I would feel relieved of the burden of carrying it all inside me, but I only felt a heavier weight settle on me instead.

"How long were you two together?"

Forever, it seems like. Never. "We weren't."

"What?" She asked, surprised. "Don't tell me you loved her from a distance! " In a conspiratorial tone, she added, "How long did you wait for her?"

I took a long gulp of wine before I responded. "Five, no, six years."

"That's amazing! That's so romantic! I like that. There's something to be said for a man who has the patience to wait that long."

"Yeah."

She seemed oblivious to the fact that I was not very comfortable talking about this and kept on sending me pleased glances.

"What's her name?" She asked.

"Na... Na Jeong," I said, my voice hoarse. It was the first time I have said her name out loud, at least since I left. The fact that it fell out of my lips under the circumstances was both ironic and sad. It made her real again, as if she was in the room with us.

"Na JUNG?" She repeated, her pronunciation all wrong. "NA Joong?"

"The sound is the "o" sound like when you say orange," I said as I poured more wine into my glass. "And the emphasis is on the first syllable."

"Ahh, I get it, Na Jeong," she said thoughtfully, finally pronouncing the name correctly. "Na Jeong, Na Jeong..."

She kept repeating her name multiple times and I thought I was going crazy. I knew that she meant no harm by it... She was just getting comfortable with the sound, just like my teammates did when they asked what my Korean name was. It didn't diminish the fact that every time she repeated it I felt physical pain and my temper was running thin.

"Please... Just please stop saying her name," I muttered out loud, my voice more curt than I had intended.

Amanda stopped immediately, the smile frozen on her face, and I immediately regretted my tone. All conversation halted as she looked away from me. Well, this is awkward.

It's too soon, I thought to myself. Too soon to be doing this. I'm not ready. I'm going to end up scaring all my dates. But if not now than when? The little voice inside my head asked. You can't be alone forever. The first one is always the worst. Remember Japan?

That's true, I conceded. I looked at Amanda and tried to send her an apologetic smile when our eyes met.

"I'm sorry about that," I said softly. "It's a sore point."

"Yeah, I'll say," she answered. "I get it. First loves are always a sore point."

I nodded and then resolved to be more conversational, to keep my tone light. I asked her about her career and to her credit, she bounced back quickly, not holding what just happened against me. The fourth and fifth course passed by uneventfully, even pleasantly, if I were to be honest.

I paid the bill after the meal, and declined her offer to take me out for a drink nearby, saying that I have training in the morning. She said she understood and went into her car with a smile, telling me that she hoped I'd call her again and to keep in touch. I waited until her car had pulled out of the parking lot before I went into my own and took my handphone out of my pocket.

Pressing #2 on my speed dial, I waited until I heard Jung Jin Hyung's voice before I inserted my key into the ignition.

"Joon-ah," he said. "How was it?"

Disastrous. Ridiculous. Embarrassing. "It was fine. She wants a second date."

"That's great to hear," he said, approval in his voice. "I'm glad you're getting out there. It's not the easi..."

"Where are you?" I interjected before he could tell me again how therapeutic it will be for me to start dating again. Like he did before this date.

"I'm having a drink at Twenty Five Lusk," he said.

"Are you alone? On a date?"

"How the hell am I supposed to date with such a demanding client?" He asked. "Are you on your way home already? You don't have practice until the afternoon."

"Don't move," I ordered. "I'm on my way."

"You're coming here?"

"Yes," I said. "I'll see you soon."

I hung up the phone before he could lecture me about drinking while training. He's only doing his job, and he's incredibly adept at it. Focused, determined, persuasive. Cool as a cucumber. Lee Jung Jin is as professional as they come. He's a great manager, but right now I need a friend, someone who doesn't know Na Jeong, someone who doesn't know my exact history with her.

Yes, right now I could use a friend, I thought as I eased my car out of the restaurant parking lot. Almost as badly as I could use a drink.

## Sacheon, South Korea

## March 18, 2000

## 6:00 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

It had been an unseasonably warm spring day, and the smell of sea is in the air. I stifled a yawn as I sat on the ground, waiting for the food to be served. To my right sat Ae Jung and Haitai, as well as Samcheonpo's father. Across from us was Yoon Jin, and newly engaged Binggrae and Jin Yi.

With the summer starting, we had been invited by Samcheonpo's parents to visit their village. They haven't seen all of us together in years, they said. Having nothing else to do this weekend and looking to get away, we all said yes. Working has kept all of us busy. If we all didn't still live in the same house we would never see each other. With Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo getting married in a couple of months and Binggrae getting married later this year who knows when we will all be able to do this again.

I clapped my hands together when Samcheonpo and his Omma came out holding platters of fresh seafood. Samcheonpo sat himself down next to Yoon Jin before his Omma patted him away to sit next to his father instead. Smiling at Yoon Jin, she carefully picked out pieces from every platter and placed them on her plate.

"Daughter in law," she said. "Eat up! " She affectionately patted Yoon Jin's back before turning to the rest of us. "Please help yourselves. And don't be shy... there's more where that came from. It's not every day that our son's friends make the six hour ride just to come visit."

"Wow," Binggrae said as he opened a crab for Jin Yi. "I'm sad that I missed this the first time around."

"You weren't here?" Haitai asked as he opened a clam. "I don't remember that. Where were you?"

Binggrae thought about it for a while before responding. "You know.... I don't quite remember. All I can remember is watching a movie with Sseureki Hyung."

"He wasn't here either?" Haitai asked, puzzled.

"Nah," Samcheonpo said. "He had to be at the hospital or something. Actually, come to think of it, Chilbong didn't make it either."

Yoon Jin shot him a glare and he looked down at his plate quickly. I don't suppose it would be polite to hit him in front of his parents.

"Chilbong?" Samcheonpo's Omma said thoughtfully. "He was here."

"He was?" Binggrae said. "I thought he had an interview with a scout that day."

"He did," Haitai said. "He told me later that it had been cancelled. He took the bus here as soon as he heard."

"He wasn't at breakfast, though," Samcheonpo's Appa commented. "Or when we came back from the boat."

At this Yoon Jin blushed and shared a smile with Samcheonpo. I continued stuffing my mouth with crab and fish, suddenly ravenous. Just the mere mention of Joon's name makes me want to eat... everything nowadays.

I'm no longer angry, not for the most part. I'm no longer in denial about him being gone too. I know fully well that he's not here. I shoved a piece of fish into my mouth even as Samcheonpo's father watched in amazement.

"He left early," I said, mouth full, and everyone turned my way. "He took the first bus back to Seoul for the interview."

"That boy," Haitai tsked. "Why would anyone take the bus that long only just to stay for a few hours?"

I know why he came, but I'm not sharing. That memory remains too precious to speak of, and it was one that only Joon and I shared. I looked away and busied myself with a crab leg instead.

As I was eating the conversation continued around me, as Samcheonpo's parents were asking him and Yoon Jin about their upcoming wedding and their plans for a honeymoon. Samcheonpo answered a little embarrassed that they might not be able to go on one since he didn't open a bank account for that. Yoon Jin just looked at him fondly and took his hand in hers, saying that as long as they're together it didn't matter where they were. I almost got a cavity from all the sweetness, but I was happy for them. They really do love each other.

The rest of our friends were talking about the demonstration we did in front of the town hall, and I was relieved at the change of topic. Though the mere mention of Joon's name no longer hits me like a brick to the head, there is still an unavoidable, lingering ache whenever I hear it. I still avoid saying it as much as possible, and I get the feeling that our friends do as well.

It's been two months. Two months of no contact. Two months of no word from him, at least not for me. I should have expected it, the words in his letter coming back to me. "We won't see each other again," he had written. He had no intentions of staying friends with me. That had been his final goodbye.

At this I took a beer off the table and took a long swallow. Everyone turned surprised eyes at me and I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand. I carried on eating as if nothing was wrong. Which of course, nothing was. It is what it is. This thought made me look at the table for more beer and unsuccessful I swiped the beer that Yoon Jin was holding and drank it all.

She looked at me, worry in her gaze, and I tried to send her a reassuring smile. It's fine. This will pass. As much as I was glad to get away from Seoul, where there were memories of Joon, memories with Joon wherever I turned, I wish I didn't get away from Seoul to come here, where there were even more memories of him and our complicated past.

I'm making an effort, not to forget him necessarily, but to live the best way I know how. I suppose other people would advise me to expend my energy doing something productive and proactive, to start making steps towards getting over him. But my heart is not in it, and not for lack of opportunities either.

Just last week someone from work had asked me out to dinner. I had been tempted for a second, wanting to get away from my family and friends' worried eyes for one night at least, but I had declined. Pretending was no good to anyone anymore, much less me. I would have been out for a distraction and a free meal, but he would have been in it for God knows what.

I lifted my purse and felt for the charm that hung from my phone. It had been the last thing Joon gave me, and it has become one of my prized possessions. The weight of it on my fingertips comforted me, as if Joon wasn't so far away.

I had been so lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice that the table has now been cleared. Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo's Omma had disappeared into the house and everyone was still distractedly talking amongst themselves.

My eyes met Binggrae's and he awkwardly looked away. Though I'm sure none of our other friends besides Yoon Jin had noticed, there's been a marked distance between us as well, an unexpected effect of what happened between me and Joon. Rarely does he eat dinners at the house now, and he barely speaks to me at breakfast. Oh, he has remained civil and friendly enough, but I felt it. He has taken sides, and he didn't take mine, which is completely understandable. He may be my friend, but he is Joon's cousin.

Yoon Jin came back with a tray full of coffee cups then, followed by Samcheonpo's Omma with a tray of fruit. We all helped ourselves to coffee and as we were drinking, we made plans to walk on the beach after.

I went into one of the back rooms in the house to change my shoes when a sound from my bag alerted me that I had a message. I picked my phone up to see that it had been from Omma.

"Na Jeong-ah, are you coming home tonight? Appa wants to have a date night. Let me know."

Belatedly realizing that I forgot to tell my parents that I would be spending the night here, I was just about to make the phone call home when I heard Samcheonpo's voice.

"Na Jeong-ah," he called out. "Are you ready? We're leaving."

I poked my head out of the window to answer him. "I have to call my Omma back. You guys go on ahead... I'll only be minutes behind you."

He nodded before walking off. I made the quick phone call to Omma, telling her of my plans and teasing her for still wanting to date the same man after almost thirty years. My mother's tinkling laugh rang in my ear as she responded that it's like that when it's true love. I pretended to be disgusted at their lovey doveyness when in all honesty, I was proud. My parents' unending devotion to each other never ceases to amaze me. I told her that we're all coming home tomorrow evening and hung up the call.

I had finally started walking towards the street when I bumped into Samcheonpo's halmoni, on her way back to the house. She looked just as I remembered, her hair in tight grey curls on her head. She wore loose trousers and a brightly flowered shirt.

"Halmoni," I greeted with a slight bow. "I was wondering where you were when we first arrived. It's good to see you."

She looked at me, puzzled, and I wondered if she even remembered me.

"It's me, Sung Na Jeong. I'm one of Sung Kyun's friends from Seoul. We met five years ago."

Recognition came over her face then and she smiled. "Ahh, yes. I remember you now. Na Jeong-ssi... You are Jae Joon's girlfriend, no? You two were walking out together that morning."

That she remembered that small detail confounded me and I was about to half-heartedly deny that I was Joon's girlfriend when she grabbed my arm and led me towards her room before I had the chance to refuse.

"Come have tea with me," she said. "I could use the company."

"But... My friends..."

She turned laser like eyes at me, then pursed her lips. "Young people nowadays... Are you going to deny an old woman a simple request?"

I bit back my retort and followed her silently into her room. She made me sit down in front of the small table in the middle of the room before plugging in a kettle for hot water. I folded my hands in front of me and watched as she deftly mixed the loose tea with the boiling water before sitting down with me.

"Halmoni," I started. "I'm not Joon's..."

She sent a hurt look my way before putting a teacup in front of me. "That boy," she complained. "Where is he? Did he come with all of you and didn't say hello to me?"

"He didn't come with us, halmoni," I said. "He's in America."

"Ah," she said, her face softening. "Did you know I was a gisaeng when I was younger?"

When I shook my head no she launched into a story which I'm sure she's told many times before, a story about liking someone when she was young and then marrying someone else. I was so distracted looking around her room that I barely paid any attention, at least until she reached the end of her story, when she released a wistful breath, and then said, in a regretful voice, "If I was twenty again, I would have just told the person I liked that I liked them, because you never know if you'll have the opportunity again."

What she just said and the way the way she just said it resonated with me, and I felt my heart squeeze. Words full of wisdom. Someone should have told me this months ago. The regret I heard in her voice echoed the feeling that I live with every day.

I sat silently even as she studied me with wizened eyes. "Na Jeong-ssi... Thank you for listening. Jae Joon did the same too, the last time he was here." I said nothing though I'm sure my face fell, as it does every time I hear Joon's name, seeing as she now looked at me more closely, and with narrowed eyes. "Do you think he'll come back to see me again?"

"If Joon promised you he will, then he will," I said with a definitive tone. "Joon always does what he says he will." Even forgetting me. Even never seeing me again. He will do as he said because that's the type of person he is. He doesn't make statements lightly. He's methodical and predictably practical that way.

At the realization of the fact my heart felt even more dejected than it already was, if that was possible. I finished my tea quickly, lost in thought. For her part Halmoni was blissfully unaware of my changed mood, chattering happily about how handsome Joon was, how so very nice and polite he was, how strong and muscular his arms were. Every positive thing she said about him didn't do anything but drive a stake deeper into me, reiterating something I've already known but couldn't acknowledge for months.

I screwed up. Dammit. I screwed up.

It's like this now... I've learned to accustom myself to the feelings until they no longer shake me, but sometimes they still hit me before I could brace myself. I stood up quickly and excused myself from the room before the tears fell. My vision blurred I almost didn't notice that Yoon Jin was sitting down in front of the room Samcheonpo's parents had assigned me. She took one look at me before standing up and putting her arms around me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, trying to discreetly wipe my tears away without her noticing.

"You were taking a long time catching up with us, so I came to check up on you," she responded. "Let's talk."

"But..."

"No one else is here," she said, sitting me down. "They're all already at the beach."

I said nothing, my head down.

"What's going on?" She hesitantly asked. "I knew we shouldn't have come here. I told Samcheonpo you would be like this..."

"Yoon Jin-ah..." I started. "I messed up, right?" I saw her fidgeting, as if reluctant to respond. "Your non-answer confirms that I did."

I lifted my head then and met her eyes. There was no judgment there, only concern and understanding.

"Na Jeong-ah, this thing with you and Chilbong... It's not that black and white. Your history prevents it to be so. Your story started years ago, and I know it seems that the ending is set right now, but it's not."

"He says it is."

"And you're okay with that?" She asked, shocked. I shrugged my shoulders. "Who are you and what have you done to my friend?" When I didn't respond, she stood and then planted herself in front of me before sighing. "I have a question for you."

"What?"

"Are you sure that what you and Chilbong share is real?"

"Yoon Jin-ah..."

"I'm trying to be a supportive friend so I'm trying to figure out which way to advise you," she said. "If you say that you're not sure, I would stray you towards the direction of getting your life back in order, getting back on your feet and getting over Chilbong..." She looked at me then. "But..." She smiled at me and took my hands in her smaller ones. "I get the feeling that's not the case. I think you know what this is." She paused for a second before her face became more serious. "This thing you feel for him, it's the real deal. Genuine, can't-live-without-him, forever-kind-of-thing. That makes it easier."

"How does that make things easier when he's determined to forget me? He said so himself that he was done."

"And you believe him?" She asked, incredulous. "You honestly think that a guy who's been in love with you for years will be able to forget you in a few months?" The incredulous tone in her voice surprised me. "I was able to look past this ridiculous thinking when he first left. You were in shock and you weren't thinking clearly. But if you still think like that now..." She shook her head at me. "Listen... You may not have handled the situation with him and Sseureki Oppa in the best way, but that doesn't change the fact that he left before he gave you a chance to figure it out, which I'm sure you would have had you been given enough time. But in a way it's good because now you have the chance to do it, really really figure it out, without him. Haven't you already started doing that? You're only just begun finding out now what you're made of and are already making your way to becoming a better woman."

"So what, Yoon Jin-ah?" The optimism in her voice made me wary, as if it was infectious, as if it was contagious. I don't want to start hoping and then have those hopes dashed. "So I become a better woman. And then what?"

"And then Chilbong will be back and you two can sort this out, fight this out, give it up, whatever, then." She sighed then stood up in front of me, hands on her waist. "Chilbong made it clear what the problem was. You weren't ready. So you know what the solution is?"

"What?"

"I swear, you're so blind sometimes. It's so simple."

When I still only looked at her, still trying to figure out what she was getting at, she shook her head at me and smiled.

"What else is there to do? You get ready."

## Sincheon Boarding House

## March 19, 2000

## 7:00 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

After getting back to Seoul I took the long way home from the bus stop, telling my friends to go on home without me. I just needed time with my thoughts. Unwittingly, my feet took me to the path where I last walked with Joon and looking around, I realized that I haven't walked this way since he left. Nothing looks now like how it did that day, but being here still makes me feel closer to him somehow.

My mind wandered to what it must have been like for him that day and to everything he must have been thinking. Knowing that he was leaving, feeling like he had no choice, wanting to make the day last as long as possible. It must have hurt a lot, huh? I asked him in my mind. Joon-ah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything.

In my head I replayed our last day, still so vivid in my memories, and wondered how much sorrow he must have felt and how much strength it must have taken him to make the decision to do what was best for himself. Though it had hurt me, I was proud of him for being able to do that. Joon always was stronger than I have ever been. Stronger, more patient. Generous to a fault. Thoughtful, even that last day.

Even though he said he was being selfish, he still managed to give me the most beautiful gift. He gave me memories. The best memories. The warmest memories. He gave me a day when I was able to be myself. I was all at once childlike, silly, passionate and... Happy. In his eyes I saw a vision of the woman I always wanted to be. Through his faith in me I know now what I need to do to become that person. Through his love I now have the strength to move forward. For once I felt not anger or regret, but peace. I know this feeling won't last and I might still have to go through the roller coaster of emotions most days, but for now I will bask in it, and bide my time. It's what Joon would want me to do. I think it's what Joon would have done.

As I walked up the path to our house, it felt like he was still walking next to me. Always true, always faithful, always believing. I think that it's time for me to become a person worthy of all that. The road to self-awareness may be difficult and painful at times, but luckily for me, waiting for me to come home are people who will help me get there. I opened the door and saw my father and friends in the living room.

"Na Jeong-ah! You took a while getting home!" Haitai said, standing up to greet me. He walked towards me and looked at me in concern. "You're okay?"

I smiled and nodded. "What are we doing?"

"Oh there's a new drama on," Binggrae said. "Omma is slicing up some fruit, come sit."

"Let me change first..." Looking at my father, I caught him looking in the direction of the kitchen, watching my mother with a fond expression on his face. Following his gaze, I watched as my mother wiped her brow and smiled to herself. Even after all the pain and losing Hoon Oppa, my mother always stayed true to herself. She always loved me and my father and our makeshift family with all that she has. With a start I realized that she was everything I wanted to be. Suddenly overwhelmed with love and respect for Omma I found myself going to the kitchen. Feeling like I was a child again I snaked my arms around her waist and hugged her, my head resting on one shoulder.

"Omma..."

"Na Jeong-ah! You're back?" She turned her head slightly to look at me. "Are you hungry? Should I get a plate for you?" When I shook my head no and tightened my arms around her even more, she chuckled before continuing. "Yah... How am I supposed to finish up when you're holding on so tightly?"

"No. I'm not hungry," I answered quietly. "Omma, I'm sorry for worrying you these past few months." At this, she turned around in surprise.

"You have nothing to apologize for. I'm just glad you're okay now." She smiled in response but I thought I saw a sheen of tears in her eyes.

"Omma, you're the best." At this she cupped my face in her hands then enveloped me in a tight embrace.

"Go change. The drama is almost on."

##

## Sincheon Boarding House

## March 20, 2000

## 6:45 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

Coming home from work a familiar scene greeted me. Omma and Appa were watching television and bickering again. I am convinced they love doing that because they do it all the time.

"I'm home," I called out. "I'm going to watch a movie so I'm just changing clothes."

"You're going to the movies on your own?" Omma asked, brows drawn.

"Why not?" I asked. "Everyone's busy, and it's not as if I can't." Plus I wasn't even sure what movie I was going to see, or how many, but I didn't say that. For the past few weeks I've been trying to find out all the things that I liked and disliked, and figuring out what genre of movie I preferred had been next on my list.

They had started bickering again and I smiled at them before I turned the corner to go to my room.

"Na Jeong-ah, there's someone..." I heard Appa say just as I opened my bedroom door and found Oppa inside, sitting on a chair. He was holding the stuffed seal that he gave me years ago in his hands. Shocked, I entered my room quietly and was putting my stuff down when he spoke.

"Na Jeong-ah... You probably weren't expecting me right?" He asked from behind me and I turned around to face him.

"Oppa, why are you here?"

"I wanted to see Omma and Appa." He replied, then hesitated before continuing. "And I needed to speak to you."

He silenced for a few minutes and I crossed my arms in front of my chest. The memory of the last time we met was still fresh in my mind and I stayed quiet. I've already said what I needed for say. He looked as if he was still struggling and was about to point out that for someone who claimed to want to speak to me, he wasn't doing a lot of speaking when he cleared his throat.

"Listen, I've been thinking a lot about what you said, and I have a proposal." Seeing my face pale in response, he chuckled. "Not that kind of proposal. I heard you loud and clear when we spoke. I'm sorry if it didn't seem like I was listening to what you were trying to tell me. You know it always takes me a long time to think things over..." He paused before continuing. "We can never go back to that, and the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Honestly, I think I just reacted to the fact that speaking to me the way you did made me question myself, more than you. Hearing you finally say what's on your mind... It felt like I was seeing you for the first time."

"Oppa, that's fine," I said, putting my bag and gloves down on my table. "But you're still not telling me why you're in my room." He looked like he was struggling to find the words to say, and I was getting impatient.

"Cut me some slack, okay? I'm trying, Na Jeong-ah." He ran his fingers through his hair and stood up. "I want to be in your life. In whatever way I can. I was your Oppa first before I was anything else, and I want to know if I can be that again."

Looking out the windows he continued speaking. "I can't promise you that it's not going to feel strange sometimes, or that I'm not going to be sad about it sometimes, but if being in your life means being your brother again... I can do that. Plus... I missed Omma's cooking," he added jokingly. "What do you think?"

At that moment I thought to myself how lucky I was that some of my prayers were unanswered. By not granting me my wish, I got my brother back. I was glad for that. I can't lose both him and Joon at the same time.

"I can do that too," I responded, a hesitant smile on my face. "Thank you, Oppa."

Looking like he didn't quite know what to say, he walked to the table and started rummaging through my stuff. Picking up Joon's gloves, I was about to yell at him to put them down when he looked at me.

"Yah... When you told me that Chilbong was gone, I thought you just meant he left the boarding house. I didn't realize you meant he was really gone. As in out of the country gone."

"Oppa... How can you not know? It's all over the news."

"Yah... I'm studying to be doctor. I don't have time to read the newspapers or watch TV." He was still holding my gloves and it was driving me crazy. I was debating with myself whether to just take them off him when he finally placed them on the table and sat back down. "Does he know how you feel about him?"

Flustered, I wondered for a moment if we were back to this again. "Oppa, I don't even know how I feel about him. So how can I tell him when I'm not even sure myself? I'm sad that he's gone. It hurt me that he left. It made me angry. But is that the extent of it? Is that everything? Is that enough? I don't even know."

"Na Jeong-ah, how long have I known you? You're twenty six now, so twenty years or so?" He asked and I nodded. "In all the years I've known you, I can count on one hand how many times you've disagreed with me and told me so. In all these years I have never seen you so vigilant in defending anyone. And I certainly have never heard you talk about anyone that way. Even about me."

"How? How was I talking about Joon?"

Oppa motioned for me to sit down before answering my question. I sat down on the bed and waited for his response. "His name sounded different coming from your mouth. Even in anger you said his name carefully. Lovingly. Tenderly. I have never heard that in your voice before." When I didn't respond, he continued. "Chilbong has loved you for a long time. Did I ever tell you what happened after you all went to Samcheonpo? Do you remember? It was five years ago, for New Year's Eve."

Of course I remember... That was the night he confessed to me and then kissed me. "Yeah, I remember. And no, you never told me what happened."

"We were outside playing catch when Chilbong told me that he confessed to you despite him knowing that you liked me and I might like you back. I hated him at that moment, because I knew that unlike me, he was someone brave enough to take a chance even when he thinks the odds are against him. But at the same time, I thought, 'Wow, this kid. How can he be so sure of his feelings? This kid can really take Na Jeong from me.' He stopped calling me Hyung from that day on. He really pissed me off." Oppa chuckled at the memory. "You know, I've learned since then that there are really only two things that change people. The first one is loss, and the other one is love. That incident proved it then and I see it in you now. You've grown up a lot."

I have never heard about this before and was still trying to figure out where Oppa was going with this when I heard him say my name. "Na Jeong-ah," he said. "I think we can all learn a little from Chilbongie, right?" At my questioning look, he continued. "Someone like Chilbong wouldn't give you up just because. Don't wait too long to figure out how you feel and as soon as you do, tell him before the opportunity is lost. Take it from your Oppa, you'll end up regretting it if your indecision causes you to lose the person you love." Looking at his watch, he stood up and grabbed his coat. "I have to go. I'm expected at the hospital tonight. Yah, answer my texts and phone calls. Or else I'll beat you up." I nodded in response and he smiled at me. After ruffling my hair, he went out of the room. I vaguely heard him say his goodbyes to Omma and Appa before I heard the front door close.

Hugging my knees to my chest, I thought about what he said. I closed my eyes and memories of Joon... Memories with Joon came crashing into my mind. Like a movie in flash forward, I saw him kissing me for the first time, laughing when I broke the egg on his head, and shaking my hand in the snow. His voice taunting, teasing, laughing echoed in my ears. You've always been the most beautiful woman to me... Na Jeong-ah, I like you.... I'm here.... It's our ramyun now... Let's go together...

I laid down on my bed and stared out the window. I was still thinking of Joon when my mother called me out to eat.

Closing my door behind me, I watched as my mother made her way to Appa. Ever so carefully she sat down next to him and took his hand in hers. He whispered something in her ear and she looked at him with a loving smile. Feeling like I'm intruding on a private moment, I went back to my room quickly.

Aigoo, these two. Wasn't it just a few minutes ago that they were bickering like cats and dogs and now they were all lovey dovey? It's funny because knowing my mother and father one would never think that they'd be compatible.

My mother is an elegant beauty, my father coarse in his looks. My mother is soft spoken and gentle, whereas my father is outspoken and brutish at times. Somehow and someway, though, they managed to make it work. They complemented each other and grew more in love as the years went by. When we lost my brother, my parents held on just a little tighter to our family to make sure we all made it through that difficult time. Whenever my mother was sad, my father never hesitated in doing whatever he can to make it better. And my mother always supported whatever my father wanted to do, doing whatever needs to be done so that he could fulfil his dreams.

I knew when I was growing up that my parents always tried to teach me life's important lessons. To be kind and to be myself. To work hard and to not take anything for granted. It isn't until now that I realized the most important thing they were trying to teach me through themselves and their actions; what love is and how you treat the people you love.

I always thought love was about sacrifice but then thought back on what my father said about my mother, that if she saw him in pain, she would feel that pain as well, and I realized I had it all wrong this whole time. Because love is not about the act of the sacrifice itself, but being able to share all of yourself to someone no matter how weak or bad it makes you look. Truly loving someone means that whatever it is they're feeling that you make yourself available to share that feeling with them, whether it be joy, sadness, or whatever it may be.

Out of nowhere Yoon Jin's voice echoed in my head. Chilbong would be hurt too if he knew you were hurting. I remembered the trip to Samcheonpo, and how he travelled six hours to be there with me. I remembered the Sampoong Department store collapse and how he was more concerned for me than himself afterwards. I remembered him worrying with me when Appa had his accident and him coming home on New Year's Eve just so I didn't have to be alone. No matter the situation or the circumstance, one thing was the same. He was there... Physically and emotionally available to share whatever it was that I'm experiencing or feeling.

I think I finally understand now, what love is. And just like that, it hit me that everything before now has been leading up to this moment. I felt Joon's arms around me, his hand cradling mine, his lips on my lips. I saw him slow dancing with me, playing with me in the snow, and watched him kiss me one last time.

I finally admitted to myself that nothing else made me happier than being with Joon. When I was with him, it didn't matter where we were or what we were doing. As long as we were together, I was happy, just like Yoon Jin described how she felt with Samcheonpo. I worried about him more than I worried for myself, just like my Appa felt for my Omma. When I realized that he'd left, I felt grief so overwhelming it left me paralyzed for weeks. The thought of never seeing him again leaves me feeling out of breath. With trembling fingers I put my hand to my chest, trying to ease the pain. I tried to slow my breathing and still the discomfort persisted.

When nothing I did could make the ache go away, I finally heard what my heart has been trying to tell me this whole time. I thought it had just been anger, and I thought it had just been pain. I was so wrong. Yoon Jin had implied it every time she spoke to me about Joon. Oppa just implied it just a few minutes ago. How it's possible that everyone around me saw it before I did astounded me, but in some ways I knew why. I was okay being angry and being hurt because it meant I didn't have to admit what my heart already knew, what it's known for months, what it's known before Joon even left. And as long as I didn't admit it I didn't have to do anything about it.

I love Joon. How could I not have known? I love Joon.

Somehow I felt like I just passed a test of sorts, except this time there was no reward. How sad it is to realize that the person I love had been right in front of me all along, but I had been too blind to see him.

Two hours later, once everyone had gone to bed, I grabbed Joon's letter from my table and walked into his room. I haven't been here since the day he left. Looking around I noted the empty furniture and the empty shelves. I quietly sat down on the edge of his bed, took a deep breath and read his letter again. I've read this letter so many times I can recite the words from memory. You would think that knowing what the letter said would diminish its effect, but sadly it didn't. By the time I had finished reading it, I was weeping. Silent tears turned to sobs as I laid myself down on his bed, a bed that still smelled like him.

"Joon-ah," I whispered. "Joon-ah." Holding his pillow close to me, exhaustion finally took over and I fell asleep before my tears even dried.

The sensation of butterfly kisses woke me up. I felt gentle lips on my eyes. "Wake up." A kiss on my right cheek. "Wake up." A kiss on my left cheek. "Wake up." A kiss on my nose. My eyes opened and there he was, lying on the same pillow, looking at me with the tenderest of looks in his eyes. He leaned down and pressed a kiss on my lips. "Wake up."

I lifted my hand to caress his cheek and he smiled. "I'm dreaming right? You're not really here?"

His smile disappeared and he looked at me sombrely. "Yes, this is a dream. And no, I'm not really here... But you have to wake up. This dream will end soon."

"Can't you just stay a little longer? I'm not ready to let you go," I said softly. He touched my cheek with his fingers and shook his head no.

"Remember everything I told you, okay?" He said. Pressing a kiss on my forehead, I was about to say something else when the opening of a door shoved me back to reality.

Sitting up suddenly I looked around and saw Binggrae standing by the door looking at me with a surprised expression on his face. "Na Jeong-ah, did you fall asleep here?"

"I must have." I quickly hid Joon's letter in my pocket and tried to leave quickly. "What time is it anyway? What are you doing here?"

"It's only 5.30 in the morning. I have to leave early today to make morning rounds at the hospital." Spotting the box that still sat in the corner he made his way towards it. "I'm seeing my aunt later and Chilbong asked me to give his Omma his stuff to hold until he comes back."

"You've... You've spoken to him?" I asked haltingly. Of course he has.

"Yeah." Though I wanted to ask more questions, I kept my mouth shut and just nodded. I left his room and went straight to mine. I was putting the letter away in the closet when Joon's old baseball cap fell out, the one he put on my head years ago. Turning it over I saw something I never saw before: my picture inside. I knew that he had liked me then, too, but I don't think it ever hit me how long he's loved me until this moment and how hard it must have been for him.

Silently I gathered everything that I have left of Joon. His gloves, his letter, his cap and the phone charm he gave me. Anyone who sees me right now might think that I must have the strangest assortment of random stuff, but I don't care. These are the only pieces of him that I have left, and the only proof that I have that he was here. They will forever remind me that once upon a time, Joon loved me. They gave me hope that maybe he will again.

My puppy sat nearby, seemingly watching me with his observant eyes.

"I love Joon," I said to him. "There... I've admitted it. Are you happy now?"

I put him on my pillow and laid down until it was time to go to work.

## Sun Life Stadium

## Miami, Florida

## April 2, 2000

## 8:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

I rotated my right shoulder one more time before I followed the rest of my teammates out onto the field. One glance at the scoreboard showed 0-0, as is expected since we just started the first inning. It's what I intend to keep it at as I took the pitcher's mound.

The signature colours of the Florida Marlins passed me by, their players dressed in grey, orange, blue and white. The home team fans were overly loud, significantly more than I ever experienced in Korea, maybe even more so than what I heard in Japan. America's favourite sport indeed. This is really the best place to play baseball, and it was the right move for my career to come here.

Stop thinking. Now is not the time for a deep examination of the decisions you've made. Focus.

I watched as my teammates scattered to their positions, my catcher tugging his body vest and mask into place. It's the first game of our season, and it's never been more welcome. It's been five months since the season in Japan ended, and I have missed this... The adrenaline rush, the excitement and anticipation.

This feeling is akin to the feeling you get before a first kiss. The feeling you get when you feel your life is about to change.

If baseball was my metaphor for life, then the field was my home, as it has been since the first time I pitched. Here, I knew who I was. Here, I knew exactly what was expected of me. Here, I knew where I belonged. I might stand alone, but I had the support of the men who played the game with me. I wish life was as simple.

It was a warm day in Miami, the evening sky clear. We're here for four games before we move on to Atlanta. I've seen the calendar and have anticipated this. It was a rigorous schedule and will be this way until the season ends. Good, I thought, my mind will always stay occupied. I won't have time to think of anything else.

I picked up the ball, allowing myself a small smile as I rubbed a thumb over the seams. It's worked to my advantage that I came earlier to start training. It gave me a chance to acclimate myself to American baseball culture, to familiarize myself with the difference in game rules. It was a good thing that I left when I did, or so I kept telling myself.

I throw almost every day, and yet the first game of the season was always special. It always felt like the start of something magical, the promise it held always so tangible. Hello, my old friend, I whispered to the ball as I waited for the umpire's whistle. Let's have a good game, huh?

The stadium was practically full, but I knew that there was no one cheering there for me. It's the one disadvantage to playing in a foreign country that I had to get used to. I have no baseball history in America. They could barely pronounce my name.

That's okay, I thought. Soon... Soon it will be different.

The umpire blew his whistle and I took my position. Kicking the dust under my feet a few times, I tipped my cap three times before squeezing the ball twice. I saw Jung Jin Hyung standing at the side lines, where the reporters were, but as I looked around the stadium, all the faces were unfamiliar and unrecognizable to me. My gaze fixated on an empty seat where the club members were. Unbidden, not wholly unexpected, I imagined one person there.

She smiled at me, a pepero stick in her mouth, before waving. Her short hair was hidden by a baseball cap, her incredible eyes shielded by its rim, a shadow over her lovely face. She saw past the baseball uniform I wore, behind the boy who only knew how to play this game. She didn't come here for baseball, she came here for me.

The memory of her had come quickly, and just as quickly it disappeared, and though I felt the loss acutely, the weight of the ball in my hand reminded me of what was important, what I needed to focus on now. It was a relief, and it was with a grateful breath that I now prepared myself.

This is the big leagues, and I cannot mess up. I don't have the luxury of self-pity, or the time to reflect. Baseball doesn't care that my heart is broken or that my will is shaken. All it cares about is how well and how fast I can throw, how hard I can push my body to be the best pitcher I could possibly be. I wasn't that pitcher yet... I still have a long way to go. But I can do it. I will do it. Time and tenacity were commodities I had in abundance, and baseball demanded them both.

My catcher motioned for a fastball and I nodded. It's time to show the world what happens when you take a lonely boy and you teach him how to dream. The stadium quieted down, or at least it did in my head, and the feel of my heart beating was audible, counting down the seconds that will push my fate along.

I lifted my left leg towards my waist, my right leg solidly on the ground. Both elbows flanked my head, my right shoulder tight with tension. I pulled my right arm back, took a deep breath, and let the ball fly out of my hand.

## Sincheon Boarding House

##  April 8, 2000

## 3:30 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

"Okay, puppy, it's time for you and me to find out which one we like best," I said to my puppy as I sat him across from me on the floor. Between us sat a bottle each of soju, makgulli and sake. "He's coming back home soon and we need to show him that I know what I like, okay?"

I set my notebook next to me and started pouring a shot of each into separate marked glasses. Realizing I forgot the snacks I ran downstairs to the kitchen and went back upstairs.

"There, I'm ready." With a determined nod of my head, I took a shot of soju. "Hmmm, it's quite strong. A little harsh going down my throat." Picking up my notebook and pen, I flipped to the page where I had already written three columns, marked "SOJU", "MAKGULLI" and "SAKE". Under soju, I wrote bitter and good. "This is easy. I'll definitely know what I'll like best after this." Drinking the shot of makgulli, I smiled after. "Delicious. Sweet." Again I wrote down the adjectives on my notebook. Thinking it's probably a bad idea to be drinking without anything in my stomach, I started to munch on the dried squid. I addressed my puppy. "You're probably wondering why I'm doing this on my own right? Well, I don't want people to think I'm crazy. So... I wanted to do this on..."

"Aigoo, aren't you too old to still be playing with stuffed animals?" I heard Oppa say from the stairs and I smiled. Since our talk a few weeks ago, we're slowly but surely going back to the relationship we shared since childhood. He's visiting the house more often, to my parents' happiness and relief, and we've even begun meeting up for lunch weekly.

"Oppa, you came? I thought you said you had a date?" I asked, chewing on a piece of dried fish.

"Only for a few minutes... I think I left one of my textbooks here." Looking at the drinks and my puppy, he asked, "What are you doing here then? This looks like some weird sort of experiment. You even have a notebook and everything." He plopped himself down on the couch.

"Yeah... Oppa, every weekend I've decided I'm going to find something out about myself."

"Oppa, this is nothing. Na Jeong-ah, I see you've moved on to beverages," Yoon Jin said as she closed her door. Shaking her head at me, she moved my puppy and sat down on the floor.

"Yah, don't move him," I protested.

"Who's more important to you? Me or the puppy?" she asked.

Without even thinking, I answered quickly, "My puppy."

She pretended to be hurt before laughing. "Oppa, you should have seen her the week before, demanding to be brought every item in the house that's red or blue, says she needs to figure out which colour she liked better. Or the week before, when we all had to eat fish every night the whole week, said she was on her quest to find her favourite. This is how it's been for the past six weeks," she chuckled, then shook her head at me. "Na Jeong-ah, you forgot right? You forgot that I asked you to go somewhere with me today?"

I looked at her as she looked at me with a shy smile. "Is it that time already? Don't you still have a month left?" At Oppa's confused look, I gave him a smile. "Yoon Jin wants me to go with her to the dress shop and help her pick out her wedding dress."

"Ah that's right... You and Samcheonpo got engaged on Valentine's Day right?" He smiled and motioned for her to come closer. Once she did, he pretend whispered, "Yah, you sure you want to marry him? He looks like a murderer."

"Oppa!" I said, smacking his shoulder. "Don't listen to him, Yoon Jin-ah. Samcheonpo is a good guy. He's just jealous."

Oppa bristled. "Me? Jealous? Why would I be jealous?"

"Because you're still single," I quipped back and Yoon Jin laughed.

"So are you." Oppa made a face at me and I was tempted to hit him.

"Oppa... I am single by choice! By choice!" I insisted.

"By choice my ass. You're single because Chil-"

I shoved a dried fish in his mouth to shut him up before quickly capping all the liquor, grabbed my puppy, and stood up. "Oppa, can you bring these down to the kitchen? Yoon Jin-ah, are you ready?" I asked and she nodded. "I just need five minutes to change."

I went downstairs into my room and set my puppy down on the bed. Deciding on a red floral dress, I put it on and pulled my now shoulder length hair up in a ponytail. I quickly put on some lip gloss then grabbed my gloves and my phone.

"It's warm outside," Haitai said. Next to him, Samcheonpo and Binggrae nodded. "You don't need gloves."

"Na Jeong never leaves this house without those gloves," Samcheonpo said, looking at the television. "Snowing, sunny, rainy, whatever. It doesn't matter. She always has those gloves on her." He looked at Binggrae. "Don't you remember the time she thought she lost them? I thought she was going to tear this house apart yelling and cursing. Good thing she found them before she emptied out all the cabinets."

I cringed and pushed the gloves and the phone in my purse. Wanting to change the topic, I asked if Oppa already left. Binggrae responded that he did after bringing the liquor down. Nodding, I sat down on the couch and waited for Yoon Jin. When she came bounding down the stairs a few minutes later, we got ready to leave.

"Yoon Jin-ah, should I drive? It's not far, right?" I asked her. "I only drive when there's someone with me." Her face paled and she took a moment before responding.

"Na Jeong-ah, I have an appointment. We really can't be late."

"Fine. We'll take a cab."

We bid the boys goodbye and walked out of the house. Once we were in the cab, I was looking in my purse for my wallet when I dropped my phone on the floor with a loud thump.

"Aishhhh..." I muttered. Worried I picked it up quickly.

"What did you drop?" She watched me examine my phone. "What happened? Is it broken?"

"I don't care about the phone. I was just making sure that my charm hasn't been scratched."

"You've really become weird, did you know that?" Yoon Jin was gazing out her window when all of a sudden I saw her fidgeting. I looked at her curiously as she tried to cover her window from my view. I frowned and moved her to one side and saw what she was trying to block. Behind her a bus pulled alongside our cab with Joon's face plastered all over it. It looks like he's now endorsing some type of sports drink.

"Yah... It's fine. I don't even think about him anymore." Well, technically that's true. I don't think about him, but I still dream of him almost every night. "Besides, it's not like I can ever not see him. His name is on television weekly, his face is in the newspapers just as often, and he's getting a lot of endorsements from different companies. It's only going to get worse now that his season has started. Trying to avoid seeing him is like trying to avoid air. It's impossible." Watching the way I clutched my purse protectively, she narrowed her eyes at me.

"Give me your purse," Yoon Jin demanded. When I didn't give it right away, she grabbed it from my lap. Reaching in, she pulled out my gloves. "How long are you going to be carrying these? Look how dirty they are! It's not even the season for them anymore."

I grabbed them from her before speaking. "Yoon Jin-ah, it's my thing. Let it go." She frowned at me for a moment, as if thinking. I sensed her hesitation before she spoke.

"Na Jeong-ah... We wanted to know if it's okay to invite Chilbong to the wedding."

"Of course it is. He's your friend too." My heart started racing in my chest. Trying to keep my expression blank, I looked at her. "That's fine. Has he responded yet?" Joon might be coming home, my heart rejoiced. Joon might be coming home!

"No, not yet," she said. "You'll be okay? I don't want either of you to be uncomfortable."

"Yoon Jin-ah, I am a cool woman. Why would we be uncomfortable? We weren't officially together, so we never broke up. You can't break up with someone you were never with." She didn't say anything else and soon thereafter we were in front of the dress shop.

Once inside, I helped myself to a cup of tea while Yoon Jin was trying on dresses. She came out with each and I gave her my opinion on each. I didn't realize how difficult it would be for someone her size to find a wedding dress that didn't drown her frame. Finally I heard her voice.

"Na Jeong-ah, I think I found it," she said wondrously. "Can you come here and look at me and tell me what you think?" I opened the curtain and saw Yoon Jin, her eyes shining with tears. The dress was lovely... Perfect for Yoon Jin. It was strapless, with a fitted bodice and a short train. With her hair up and her veil, she actually looked like a bride. Feeling so happy for her, I told her what every bride should hear from her best friend.

"You look beautiful, Yoon Jin-ah." I put my arms around her and she hugged me back. "And you're going to need a really good bra," I whispered. She pulled away and hit my shoulder affectionately.

The saleswoman came through and asked if she wanted a picture of her in her dress to show her family and friends. Yoon Jin said yes and handed her phone over to take the picture. A few minutes later, she was back in her regular clothes and had paid for her dress. As we waited for the bus to take us home, she turned me around. "I picked you out a dress in your favourite colour."

"Red?" I asked and she nodded. "Good, I'm glad. Just let me know when I need to try it on." The bus came and we boarded, both of us giddy. She with finding her dream dress for her wedding, and I with the idea of seeing Joon again.

After we finished dinner, Yoon Jin and I found ourselves on the second floor continuing with my experiment. Omma, Appa, Haitai, Samcheonpo and Binggrae all went out to the cinema, so it just left the two of us home.

I had just taken my fourth shot of soju when I realized I've stopped taking notes. I tried to count in my head how much of each I've had to drink but my brain wouldn't cooperate so I just gave up. Across from me, Yoon Jin sat with her eyes half closed, cuddling the bottle of makgulli.

"Na Jeong-ah, I'm so, so lucky. Samcheonpo is suuuuuuch a wonderful man," she slurred at me. "I mean, he gave me Seo Taiji Oppa's toilet... Oppa's toilet! Who does things like that?"

"Joooon would do that..." I nodded absently to myself. Looking at my puppy sitting on the couch, I winked at him. "Joooon would totally do that. Except not with Seo Taiji... But he would definitely steeeal Lee Sang Min Oppa's toilet for me... For me..." I paused, trying to think. "Have you ever tasted his ramyun, Yoooon Jin-ah? It's delicious. JJIANG!" I gave her two thumbs up.

"Samcheonpo is such a goooood singer too..." she cooed. "I hope when we have kids that they'll be able to sing."

I pouted. "Joon says he can't sing, but I know he can dance... Did you know we slow danced right here?" I asked, pointing to the floor. "We did a loooot of things here," I whispered, giggling.

"Samcheonpo gives the best hugs... He doesn't loooook like he would, right? But he's a really... Really talented hugger."

"Joon is the moooost amazing kisser," I declared drunkenly. "He kisses me and... And I loooose my mind. He does this thing with his tongue... Omo... I can't eeeeeven describe it. But he's aaaaamazing." I grabbed my puppy and planted a loud kiss on his lips. "You have to take my word for it though. Cause his lips are aaaaall mine! ALL MINE!"

"I can't believe I'll be married in less than two months! Two moooonths..." she said incredulously. "In less than two months, I'll... I'll be Mrs. Kim Suuuung Kyun! Mrs. Kim Sung Kyun!"

I nodded and said, "I can't believe it's been almost threeeeee months since Joon left. Three months... Dooooogs give birth in less time!" At this injustice I started tearing up and I had to hold back a sniffle.

"I looooove him so much!" Yoon Jin said. She looked like she was going to cry.

"I looooove Joon so much!" I announced. "SHHHHHhhhhh... It's a secret okay?" I put my finger on her lips while hushing her. "I want him to be the first to know."

I'm not entirely sure how long we kept having two different conversations at the same time, but the next thing I knew we were both hugging and crying at the same time.

"Yoon Jin-ah, I love you," I sobbed.

"Na Jeong-ah, I love you too!!!" She sobbed back.

We heard footsteps on the stairs and both turned to see Omma, Appa, Samcheonpo, Haitai and Binggrae staring at both of us dumbfounded. Samcheonpo had to pried Yoon Jin's arms from me and I almost started crying even harder. He brought her to her room while Binggrae helped me stand up.

Using his sleeve to wipe my tears, I looked at his face. So pretty, just like Joon. "Yah, Binggrae... You... You haven't forgotten right?" At his confused look, I dropped my voice into a conspiratorial whisper. "You and me. Our talk. We still need to have a talk... Okay?"

"Na Jeong-ah, let's get you to bed," he answered. He helped me down the stairs and into my room. "Binggrae, turn my fan off! Joon said I shouldn't sleep with my fan on," I muttered as I laid down fully dressed. As soon as my head hit the pillow, it didn't take me long to fall asleep.

## Pacific Bell Park

##  San Francisco, California

##  April 10, 2000

##  Chilbong

I had just gotten back to the locker room after practice when I checked my phone and saw a text message from Dong Joon. It said only three words: Check your email. I chuckled and put my phone away.

I was almost in my car when my teammate stopped me. "JJ, man, why haven't you called Amanda back? My girl is riding me hard about this. Didn't you have a good time at the date?"

Amanda? I searched my head for a minute when I matched a face to the name. Ah, I remember. Blonde, tall, pretty eyes, wide smile. Yeah, I remember. "Yeah I had a good time. I just haven't had the chance. I'm going to call her, for sure." After waving goodbye, I went into my car and drove back to my apartment.

It took me about a month and a half of lessons to even feel comfortable enough speaking in English to people. But the lessons have paid off, along with the practice DVDs that Hyung bought for me. Now I can actually have conversations without a dictionary. As soon as my teammates found out I was comfortable speaking English they haven't stopped trying to set me up on dates. The one with Amanda being the first one I agreed to. It hadn't been bad, but I am not jumping hoops to go out with anyone else again either.

Once I was home I showered quickly before getting on the computer. Eating a salad, I clicked on my email and waited for it to load. Scanning my inbox I didn't see any emails from Dong Joon, but there was one from Samcheonpo. I clicked on it and was greeted by an invitation to their wedding. May 13, 2000. It's right in the middle of the season, so I doubt if I can make it. As if reading my mind, there was a message under the invitation.

Chilbong-ah,

We know the timing is not very good. You just started your season so we completely understand if you can't make it. Even so, here or not, please know that you are always welcome to come and are in our thoughts.

Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo

I was about to close the email when I noticed that there was another attachment, I clicked on it and a picture of Yoon Jin in a wedding dress came into view. Smiling, I noted how happy she looked. I was writing a note to myself to send them a congratulatory card when I noticed the image in the corner of the picture. It was a reflection from the mirror in front of which Yoon Jin was standing. Na Jeong. I studied her more closely, and just looking at her I felt my heart race. It's just a picture. Calm down.

The picture was in profile, and she had a wistful smile on her face. Her hair, cut short since I have known her, was long enough now to put in a ponytail. Her eyes were shining with a mixture of affection and pride. She glowed as brightly as the sun. She looked happy. Hands shaking, I closed the email quickly and shut my computer down.

There are times when I can use a drink. This is definitely one of those times. Opening my refrigerator, I spied a quarter bottle of white wine in the back. Good enough. I grabbed it and took a swig straight from the bottle. I kept chugging until it was empty. Hoping that the little bit of wine was enough to help ward off thoughts of Na Jeong, I turned off the lights and climbed into bed.

As I laid in bed that night, I admitted to myself that she will forever be my weakness, my personal Achilles heel. Luckily I am far enough to not be affected as badly as I would be at home. Enough time has passed that I can almost convince myself that I was over her. Closing my eyes, my last thought before I fell asleep was that I can never allow my weakness to get the better of me again. I will never let her get close enough to me again to even try.

##

##

## Hotel Le Crystal

##  Montreal, Quebec, Canada

##  April 30, 2000

##  Chilbong

I feel awkward wearing a tuxedo at 8 a.m. In a hotel room in Canada. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I laughed sheepishly at myself as Jung Jin Hyung set up a video camera.

"Chilbong-ah, are you sure you don't want to just go back to Korea for the wedding? You're not pitching that night or the night after. If you want to, we can probably fly home for a day and come right back."

"Hyung, it's okay. It's not really a good idea to be flying for long periods of time during the season. It might mess with my immune system. Plus I don't want to be distracted."

"You're not still hung up on the Sung girl are you?" he said offhandedly.

"Hyung..." I said quietly, narrowing my eyes at him. "I appreciate all you do for me and I like you. But if you refer to her as that Sung girl again I'm going to beat you up THEN fire you."

He put both his hands up. "Chilbong-ah, I didn't mean anything by it." He avoided my eyes and pretended to check the lens on the camera. "Are you ready? We only have an hour and a half before the team meeting."

Still a little pissed off, I took a deep breath before sitting myself down on the stool he had set up in front of the camera. As he pressed the record button, I fixed a smile on my face. After clearing my throat, I started to speak.

"Yah... I bet you never expected to see me like this, right? I don't really feel comfortable wearing this either, but since I can't be there in person, I'm trying to be there in spirit instead. So I decided to dress up just for you." I paused, realizing something. "Oh I forgot... I'm not supposed to start a formal wedding speech like that, right? Hyung, can we start over?"

"NO!" He said, then mouthed 'we don't have time'.

"No?" Hyung continued shaking his head behind the camera. "Ahh, okay, I'm just going to start from scratch anyway." Taking a deep breath, I continued. "Hello, my name is Kim Jae Joon. I have known both Samche... Sung Kyun and Yoon Jin since our university days and I am honoured and proud to still call them friends now." Looking for the right words, I stayed silent for a second before continuing. Speeches are not my forte. "Ahh, to be perfectly honest, I was a bit surprised myself when they started dating, just like I'm sure most of you were. But seeing how far they've come, I can confidently say that they will be together forever..."

## Hilton Namhae Golf & Spa Resort

##  Sacheon, Korea

##  May 13, 2000

##  Na Jeong

Sitting in between Haitai and Ae Jung, and Binggrae and Jin Yi, I watched as Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin smiled at each other and giggled at an inside joke. Ever the newlyweds, they looked like they only had eyes for each other and like no one else existed in the world. Drinking a sip of wine, I wondered for a minute if I can talk someone into getting me some soju instead. Next to me, I watched as Binggrae and Jin Yi nuzzled each other while Haitai and Ae Jung pretty much did the same thing. Omma and Appa sat across from me, also giving each other moony eyed looks. I suppose I should feel like the odd one out, but seeing my family and friends so happy banishes any feelings of self-pity I may be wont to indulge in.

Next to me Haitai looked at his watch and stood up. I watched him walk over to Samcheonpo and whisper something in his ear before approaching the podium.

"I like your watch, Binggrae. Where did you get it? I was thinking of getting Ho Jun-ah one for his birthday," Ae Jung said next to me. I had just put a mouthful of crab in my mouth when I heard Binggrae say thank you.

"Dong Joon-ah, didn't Chilbong send you that for your birthday?" At the mention of Joon's name I almost choked. In the back of my mind I knew that they had all kept in touch with him, but they were all so careful about not mentioning his name or talking about him in front of me that I can go and have gone for weeks without hearing his name.

Finding out that he wouldn't be able to come hadn't been a surprise really. The newspaper published his team schedule and I saw that they were supposed to be in Colorado today. When Yoon Jin told me, I had to keep the disappointment from showing on my face, but that was weeks ago and I'm over it now.

The high pitched noise from the mic startled me from my thoughts. Haitai was touching it a few times to make sure it's working before he actually spoke. Next to me Binggrae stood up and picked up the video camera he brought with him. Adjusting the lens he went towards the front of the hall to record what was about to take place.

"HELLO..." Haitai started. "YOU ALL... Ahem, You all saw me earlier at the wedding, but in case we haven't been introduced, my name is Son Ho Jun. I have been Sung Kyun's roommate and best friend for the past five... No, six years. You might want to knock off a few months off that number though because we couldn't stand each other when we first met," at this, he looked at Samcheonpo and gave him the 'V' sign and everyone laughed. "Anyway, I've known Yoon Jin for just as long. I was there when they first fell in love and to see them getting married now just reminds me how old we are getting." He cleared his throat. "We have another close friend from Yonsei University, who unfortunately today couldn't be here due to professional reasons, but he did however send a special message for the groom and his bride. Can someone dim the lights, please?"

Oppa? He didn't tell me anything about sending something special to Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin when we had lunch last week. I thought he already gave them their present since he had to work today.

I was wiping my hands on a napkin when I heard a familiar voice clearing his throat. Surprised, I looked up and saw Joon's face on the projector screen in front of me. He was dressed in a tuxedo and I couldn't help my reaction when I looked at him. My heart felt like it was about to jump out of my chest. My hands felt cold and clammy at the same time and I had to keep them under the table to keep anyone else from noticing how badly they're shaking. I felt like my stomach is lodged in my throat and I am finding it hard to breathe.

He looked just like how he always appeared in my dreams and my memories. His hair was a little longer, but his dreamy poet's eyes still looked the same. His little boy smile still took my breath away. His lips still look as soft as I remember them feeling. His jacket fit his broad chest and wide shoulders perfectly. His confidence exuded from the screen and he looked well rested... Healthy... Happy. I waited with bated breath to hear what he had to say.

"Yah... I bet you never expected to see me like this, right? I don't really feel comfortable wearing this either, but since I can't be there in person, I'm trying to be there in spirit instead. So I decided to dress up just for you." he paused. "Oh I forgot... I'm not supposed to start a formal wedding speech like that, right? Hyung, can we start over?" When a resounding no was heard in the background, everyone laughed. "No? Ahhh... okay..."

As he spoke, I fixed my eyes on his face. Feeling as though I haven't seen him in forever, my eyes devoured his smile and the look in his eyes. I felt my eyes fill with tears and in my hand I saw that I am still clutching the napkin. Putting it down, I looked up and addressed his image, my mind telling him what my voice could not.

Joon-ah... Do you know how long I've waited to see you again? I know that to you it's only been a few months, but to me it feels like a million years. It doesn't even matter that you're not really here, because at least right now I can see your face and know for sure that you're living well.

I still dream about you, and in my dreams you're always looking at me with love in your eyes. I never realized it before, that that was how you always looked at me but now I can finally see it.

Do you think of me? I... I think of you a lot.

I think of you when something good happens, because I know that whether it is trivial or grand, you would see my triumph as yours and you'll celebrate it with me.

I think of you when I'm sad and feeling alone, because whenever I'm with you the world just becomes a little bit less lonely.

I think of you when life has me feeling invisible, like I was just one speck in this big world, because in your eyes, I always felt important.

I think of you when I'm scared, because there's no one else in the world who can make me feel safe like you do.

I think of you even when I'm mad, because I know there is no one else who can handle my temper and calm me down as quickly as you can.

You're the first thing I think about when I wake up. I wonder if you slept well and tell you good morning, wishing I could spend the day with you. And when I fall asleep, I think of you then, too. I imagine how your day was and bid you good night. Every day since you've been gone, this is how I begin and end my day.

"You are both so lucky to have each other. Loving someone in itself is a gift, but having that person loving you back IS a miracle. And to have it happen at the right time... Well, if that doesn't convince people that there is a God or such things like destiny or fate, then I don't know what will."

Joon-ah, it's red. My favourite colour. Because when I see the colour red I think of love and I remember you. And I've found out that I love soju, makgulli and sake equally. Not because I can't make up my mind, but because I have made up my mind that I liked them all.

Yah... You're proud of me, right?

Thank you for your loving me. I never said that before so I'm saying it now. I know there were a lot of things I didn't do or say, but it was never because I didn't want to or because I didn't have anything to say... It was because I didn't really understand my own heart until now.

Your love for me made me strong and brave, and knowing that I was loved by you gave me the courage to find out who I really am. Good or bad, I've learned to embrace all those parts of me, just like you do. You gave me back myself, and for that I will always be grateful.

"You know, hearing the way Sung Kyun talk about his Yoon Jin and seeing first-hand how Yoon Jin always puts Sung Kyun's needs above hers has really shown me that there must be a little magic in love. That two such different people, from two different places, can find each other, fall in love and grow together... That's really special. And to have those two same people promise to devote themselves to the other sincerely through life... It is definitely an honour to witness that. It makes me realize that there is a meaning to this life, and that the answer lies completely in finding that person who will love and accept you no matter what. We should all be so blessed to find that kind of love."

I miss you. I miss you so much sometimes I feel like I will die from it.

I would give anything to just be able to breathe the same air that you do. But then I remember the words you told me and I realize that you're still here.

You're still here... In my heart.

When you left you took a part of me with you and you left a part of yourself with me too. I promise I'll keep it safe until you come back to me.

Please come back.

There's one more thing I want to say. It's taken me a long time and it may be too late, but I'm going to say it anyway.

Are you ready?

Joon-ah, I love you.

"Sung Kyun and Yoon Jin, congratulations. I wish you two happiness and have lots of kids who look like Yoon Jin." He chuckled before continuing. "I'm just joking. Ahh, one last thing. I hope you enjoy your present and I will see you both soon." He waved goodbye and the lights turned back on.

By the time he finished his speech, tears were running down my face. All around me, everyone was applauding and lifting their drinks for a toast. I could barely see anything from the tears in my eyes and I felt like I was going to fall apart. Overcome with emotions, I quickly excused myself from the table and ran out the hall. Once in the main foyer I put my hand up to the wall for support as I struggled to regain my composure. I forced myself to slow my breathing down and calm down. Shakily, I made my way to the bathroom. There were two women re-applying their makeup while talking when I entered, but upon seeing the expression on my face, they quickly left. Leaning against the counter to keep my knees from buckling, I washed my face.

Knowing there will be watching eyes, I tried to erase all traces of my tears before going back to the reception. The rest of the day passed by in a blur. It was almost as if I was watching myself go through the motions but I wasn't really there.

On the bus back to Seoul that night, I rested my head on the window as I attempted to get some rest. My body was exhausted but my mind was running a hundred miles per hour. As I closed my eyes I decided that whoever coined that phrase 'Out of sight, out of mind' clearly has never fallen in love with Kim Jae Joon. They must be stronger than me because not seeing Joon just made my feelings even stronger. I am now convinced more than ever that I will never stop loving him.

## Sincheon Boarding House

## June 10, 2000

## 7 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

"Pitch out... Pitch out," I muttered as I opened the baseball book I had bought a week before, searching for the definition of the term. At this rate it will take me more than an hour to decipher this article about Joon's game. I started reading the article forty five minutes ago and I've already stopped half a dozen times to look some of the terminology up. I'm not even half way through. I would have to allot a set number of hours in my week to read up articles about him and watch his games from now on.

Finally I found the word and read the definition, then placed a tab on the page to mark where this term is. This will save me more time in the future. It plays perfectly into my plans. Yoon Jin said to get ready and I am doing just that. I'm getting ready.

I was sitting on my bed, my laptop perched on a hard tray. Next to it sat my baseball book, along with my notebook and a few pens. Markers, highlighters, pencils were also present. One would think if they saw me right now that I am studying for final exams. With a chuckle I realized that this whole waiting for Joon to come home is kind of like preparing for a final exam. It's the most important test of my life, and I'm determined not just to pass, but to ace it.

Last week I decided to put my money where my mouth is and bought a laptop. I had walked into an electronics store on my own after having done the research beforehand and purchased my first computer. Well, it's a laptop. The sales person had looked at me strangely when I said that the only specification I required was that it could go online and that I could watch baseball games on it. The sales person looked at me like I was an idiot, or a crazy fangirl. I don't need him passing judgment on me. I am perfectly able to decipher and differentiate computer terminology, have spent four years in Yonsei studying this exact science actually, but that hadn't been the point. He asked, so I answered honestly.

I struggled through the rest of the article, needing to stop again before its end another half a dozen times, but I got through it. Just to make sure I understood the article correctly I read it again for safe measure. Once I was done I leaned back against my pillows with a satisfied sigh.

Joon, by all accounts, is doing exceedingly well in America. Judging from the sheer number of articles alone that I've had to catch up on this past week, it seems he has taken their baseball world by storm. I knew it would be this way, his talent has always been too large to contain. It was always meant to be shared with everyone else.

I looked over at my side table, where a framed picture of Joon now sat. It had been the priority for me when I had first gotten online to obtain a picture of Joon. The only suitable one I had been able to find was one from the team roster. That I now had to resort to these underhanded things like a sasaeng fan is just a little embarrassing, but what else am I to do? It's not as if I can just casually call him or email him and ask for a picture. I don't even know his number, or his email address for that matter. I will need to rectify that soon.

For what? The little voice inside me asked. So that you can follow him more closely?

I cringed. No... So... You know...I can tell him things.

Like what?

You know... like hi.

You're lame.

I'm going crazy, I'm convinced of this. It's a sad day when the voice inside my head makes more sense than I do in reality. I closed my laptop in resignation and brought my knees up to my chest. Wrapping my arms around them, I rested the side of my head on my kneecaps and sighed.

Summer has now started, marking the second change in season since Joon has been gone. I wonder how many more would pass before I see him again? He can't stay away from Korea forever, can he? His family is here. Binggrae is here. I'm here. No, scratch that last one. That last reason is probably the reason why the man would stay away.

I felt my heart squeeze at that but I shook my head at the negativity. I don't need negative thoughts right now. Steadily I feel myself getting back to the person I used to be, but the sadness still creeps over me so quickly most days. I'm lonelier than I care to admit, but it wasn't just for companionship or affection, but the presence of one specific person. This is why I need to stay as optimistic as possible until he returns and tells me, very exactly and very definitively, that he no longer loves me. Time is of no essence now. I have time to wait. When the man I love is far far away, it's all I have.

"Noona!" Sook Sook called out happily from my door, and I lifted my head in surprise. He ran to my bed and climbed up before giving me a warm hug. "Noona... We went to the festival and it was so pretty. You should have come with us."

"Is that right?" I asked, brushing a hand down his hair. His enthusiasm was infectious and I found myself smiling back at him.

"Yeah. It was really pretty..." He kept on speaking as he looked around my room, picking up my pens and other writing utensils and scrutinizing them more closely before putting them back down. His voice trailed off as something on my table caught his attention and I followed his eyes to see him staring intently at Joon's picture. "Noona... Why do you have a picture of Joon Hyung on your table?"

I felt a blush colour the apples of my cheeks and I tried to find a sensible answer. How to explain to a kid a situation that I myself don't understand? Think harder, Na Jeong. A few seconds passed and still I was unable to find a reasonable reply. I mean he's five years old... How difficult can this be?

"Ahhh... It's because he's my friend, Sook Sook-ah," I finally said. He looked around the room once more before meeting my eyes suspiciously. "What?"

"But..." He said. "But you only have his picture! You have a lot of friends but you don't have their pictures around! You don't even have our pictures around!"

This kid is too smart for his own good, I thought with mild annoyance. Not really wanting to lie to him, I just decided on the easiest answer, which also happened to be the truth.

"Why would I need to see your pictures?" I asked. "I see you every day! But Joon... Your Joon Hyung is in America, so I don't get to see him anywhere near as much." I don't get to see him at all, I corrected myself in my head. Not unless we can count seeing him on the newspapers and on the computer.

He nodded thoughtfully before picking up my baseball book. He remained pensive as he traced his pointer finger over the cover.

"Noona... Do you like baseball too?" He asked quietly.

"Not really," I responded.

"But you're reading a book about it!" He looked at me slyly. "Do you have it for homework? Why do you have it if you don't like baseball? How come..."

All of his questions were becoming a little too much and I decided to change my strategy. I leaned towards him with fingers outstretched, and began to tickle him even as he squealed in equal parts joy and protest. I let his shrieks of happiness wash over me, making me laugh as well. It reminded me of the last day I had shared with Joon, playing in the snow, and the recollection sobered me right up.

Sook Sook had already pulled away at this point, a safe distance away from me, and he appeared to be catching his breath. His cheeks were flushed and he had a hand on his belly. He looked at me seriously before he spoke again.

"Noona... Joon Hyung is coming back, right?"

His question took me aback and I stayed quiet, not knowing quite the right way to respond, not wanting to fabricate lies and not wanting to disappoint him if it doesn't happen. Sometimes I forget that I wasn't the only one Joon left. That's my question too, I silently commiserated, as I watched his eyes look at me hopefully.

I placed a comforting arm around his small shoulder and pulled him close. "Yah... I'm pretty sure he'll be back. His family is in Korea. He has his parents here, and Binggrae. Just like I have you and Omma and Appa here. And look! I came back from Australia didn't I?"

He continued looking at me with sad eyes until I nudged him on his side and he rewarded me a small smile. It didn't last long, though, as he looked deep in thought once more, his frown becoming more marked and his lower lip trembling. The expression was familiar to me, as I also have the propensity to do the same when I'm about to start crying.

"I really miss him." He said this in such a sad tone that I couldn't help but soften even more and I ruffled his hair.

"Me too," I said as I placed a kiss on his forehead. "Me too."

## Sincheon Boarding House

##  July 7, 2000

## 1:30 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

"Hello?" Hearing nothing from the other end of the line, I thought there was something wrong with the phone. I took it off my ear and looked at it before speaking again. "Hello?" I heard a click in response. Putting the phone down, I mused that prank callers are really getting more persistent. It used to be that they would wait until night time but now they do it in the afternoon, too. And a weekday at that. Shaking my head, I watched as Samcheonpo came downstairs with a box.

"Is Yoon Jin still packing up?" I asked him. He nodded and placed the box by the front door along with the other boxes already there. I went up the stairs and knocked on Yoon Jin's door. I can't believe that tonight will be the last night they will spend here. For one second I felt sad, but then I realized they can't stay here as a married couple forever.

Since the wedding Haitai has been sleeping in Yoon Jin's room to let the newlyweds have some privacy at home. Though Yoon Jin offered him the room, Haitai refused, saying all his stuff was already set up in his and that he planned to move back to his room when they got their apartment in a month. Samcheonpo wasn't allowed any time off from work in May or June, so they were forced to wait until July to take their honeymoon, which means that today they are moving out and in a week they will be flying to America for their delayed vacation.

I heard Yoon Jin say 'come in' and entered her old room. She was sitting down on the floor and looking through her old things with a wistful smile on her face. "Yah, Na Jeong-ah... I was really crazy about Seo Taiji Oppa right? I just found this box." She held up a small white box reverently. "This box holds the corn snacks that he gave me. I can't believe I still have it."

I was about to tease her about it when I realized that I sleep with a letter, a pair of gloves, a cap and my phone next to me every night. I really should be the last one to judge. Plopping myself next to her, I started folding some of her clothes.

"Is this everything, Yoon Jin-ah? You haven't forgotten anything?"

She shook her head no. "We have to leave early to visit my parents this weekend so we won't be here for breakfast. Please let Omma and Aboji know how thankful we are to them for everything..." Her voice drifting off, I looked up to see her tearing up.

"Yah," I said, pushing her playfully. "Are you dying? These are happy times. Omma and Appa knew that there will come a time when you two will move out. What... Were you planning on having your babies here?" I asked jokingly before giving her a quick squeeze. Picking up her box of clothes, I asked, "Anything else you need me to bring down?" When she said no I carefully made my way downstairs. Feeling a pinch on my back, I made a mental note to wear my brace later.

I had just put the box down when Appa came careening through the front door. "Aigoo, what time is it? Yeobo... Why didn't you shop faster?" He said to Omma who was standing behind him.

Omma glared at him before responding. "Yah... You were the one who kept getting lost. If you hadn't, we would have been home two hours ago. "

Looking at them both so frantic, I wondered why it was that they needed to be home so urgently. Drama? Nah, it can't be that. "What's wrong? Did something happen?"

Appa just walked past me without answering before looking at the clock on the wall. "Yeobo... It's already 2.30pm. We just missed him." With a disappointed sigh he sat down on the couch.

"Who did you just miss? Is anyone going to fill me in?"

Omma sat down next to Appa and gave him a reassuring pat. As if noticing me for the first time since they arrived, she turned to me. "Na Jeong-ah, are Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo done packing?" Distracted by her question for a minute, I was about to answer when I remembered neither of them have answered my question.

"Who did you just miss? Nobody came when you were gone."

"Na Jeong-ah, we just missed Chilbong's phone call," Appa said while grabbing the remote control and turning on the television.

"Why would Joon be calling?" In my chest, my heart felt like it's been kick-started back to life. "How did you know he was going to call?"

"He calls every Friday. 1:30pm. That's our phone date," Appa answered dismissively. Not even looking at me, he started flipping channels.

I stayed silent for a few minutes, attempting to digest the information. I felt my temper rising so I tried to keep my voice neutral when I spoke again. "When did he start doing that? Why didn't anyone tell me?"

Appa turned to me for the first time since they arrived. "Why would we need to tell you that? How many times do I have to remind you?" He pointed to himself and Omma. "Parents." He then pointed at me. "Daughter... Aigoo, this girl... Should I tell you whenever the mailman comes too?"

At his remark, I had to consciously hold myself back from stomping my feet in frustration. Omma stood up and stopped in front of me on her way to the kitchen. "It's not a big deal, Na Jeong-ah... He's been calling every Friday since the end of February." Looking at me closely she continued. "We never told you because... Well, because Chilbong told us that he just wanted to talk to us. Don't you all kept in touch with him through emails anyways?"

Since February... He's been calling every Friday since February. He calls in the middle of the day, knowing I would be at work. He doesn't want to talk to me... So that call, an hour ago, was Joon?

Suddenly incensed, I started walking upstairs, where Yoon Jin, Samcheonpo, Haitai and Binggrae were all sitting looking at wedding pictures. On my way up I could hear them laughing and talking.

"But Yoon Jin-ah, why are there some duplicates of some and not of others? Were you planning on making another album?" I heard Binggrae ask.

"Ahh," Yoon Jin said. "I liked some pictures a lot so I just asked for copies."

Arriving at the landing I saw her gather up some pictures before putting them in an envelope. They all looked up when they realized I was there. Trying to stay cool, calm and collected, I finally spoke.

"Yah... Did any of you know that Joon calls here every Friday?" I asked. Scanning their faces, I noticed that no one was looking at me except for Yoon Jin.

"I didn't," Yoon Jin answered. "You know I would have told you if I did."

"I knew." Samcheonpo said, raising his hand. "Omma and Aboji mentioned it a few months ago when I was trying to figure out how much it would cost to call Korea from abroad." Yoon Jin gave him a little smack upside the head.

"We just got married and you're keeping secrets from me already?" She asked him, glaring.

"Why would you need to know when he calls?" Samcheonpo asked her, genuinely puzzled.

I saw Haitai and Binggrae trying to sneak off to their rooms when I looked at them. "What about you two?"

"I..." Haitai hesitated. "... knew. But only because I accidentally picked up the phone once when I came home for lunch. Yeah, I knew he called but I didn't know it was every Friday, I swear!"

My gaze finally landing on Binggrae, he shrugged his shoulders before responding. "Na Jeong-ah, I'm his cousin... He tells me almost everything."

Taking a deep breath, I watched as they all braced themselves against what they probably thought was going to be a horrendous tantrum. To throw them off balance, I pasted a smile on my face. Calmly, I said, "That's good then. Have you guys been keeping in touch with him?"

I pointedly looked at all of them one by one and awaited their answers.

"Yoon Jin and I email him every Monday," Samcheonpo said. Yoon Jin elbowed him hard on his side before giving me a sheepish smile.

"I write to him every Wednesday," Haitai said. "Only because that's when I catch up on the news and it usually involves him."

"Na Jeong-ah, he's my cousin. I email him a lot," Binggrae said resignedly. At my stare, he looked down to the floor.

All this time... Were they my friends or his? All this time... What else have they been hiding? Never mind... It's not like I ever asked them to tell me if they kept in touch with him.

I was about to launch into a speech about how I'm perfectly okay about the situation and not to worry because I don't even really think about him anymore when I spotted Haitai trying to push what looks like a food container behind his back.

"What's that?" I asked, trying to see over his shoulder. All I needed was a glimpse of the tell-tale red rice cakes to realize that they had been eating ddukbokki. After I had implicitly asked them, no told them, that I will not be tolerating them eating ddukbokki in the house.

Suddenly feeling betrayed by them, I looked at all of them in disbelief.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE ALL OF YOU HAVE BEEN EATING DDUKBOKKI BEHIND MY BACK! HOW LONG HAS THIS BEEN GOING ON? YOU ALL MUST KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE DDUKBOKKI!" I yelled. Feeling my breath catch, I had to take pause before continuing. "Do you even know how much I miss hi... Eating ddukbokki? You think you're the only ones who want to have it in your lives? Ddukbokki... Means a lot to me. I think about it all the time! I would be so happy if I could eat it everyday." By the end of my last sentence my voice cracked and I had to look away.

As my eyes filled up with embarrassed tears, I saw Binggrae reach behind Haitai for the box of ddukbokki.

"Na Jeong-ah, no need to get all worked up about it," he said, hesitantly offering it to me. "You can have it. We wanted to tell you about it but there just... It just never seemed like the right time."

"No, it doesn't want me," I said, shaking my head. "It doesn't want any part of me, and I don't blame it. It will never look at me the same way again. I've made so many mistakes!" They all looked at each other in confusion.

"Are we still talking about ddukbokki?" Samcheonpo whispered to Yoon Jin. "Because I think she's talking about Chil..." Yoon Jin clapped a hand over his mouth and awkwardly smiled at me.

I turned around and started making my way down the stairs when I heard Haitai's voice.

"Na Jeong-ah, about Chilbong... It's okay right? We can keep emailing him, right? It's not as if we ever talk about you anyway. If it makes you feel better, he doesn't even ask about you, or mention your name, or..." He seemingly realized what he was saying by the expression on my face and he dialled his voice down to an almost whisper before finishing his sentence. "... anything."

Unwilling to humiliate myself more than I already have, I answered with a dismissive tone. "Why wouldn't that be okay?" I asked. "It's not like we got divorced and you're all children who are forced to take sides. Don't mind me and just keep doing what you're doing."

Wanting to get away, I quickly ran down the stairs and went into my room. Once I sat down on my bed, I thought back on what I've been doing since the wedding. Which is, basically, what I'm doing now. I go over what happened in my head until I'm tired of it. I try to say his name so often to myself with the hope that even I will get sick of hearing it. I imagine and fantasize about what I would say or do if he just happened to come back to Korea and we met in the street or something. I always knew I had a bit of the ridiculous in me, but me in love is really really... Pathetic? Hopeless? ... Unbalanced. I feel like my world has been tipped off its axis and I struggle every day to stay standing.

In light of my new situation, I have come to accept the following facts:

1) I am in love with Joon.

2) He left me.

3) I can't do anything about either.

Before I get labelled as someone who has given up, I would like to say, in my defence, that I don't really know what I can do. It's almost impossible to tell him how I feel or find out how he feels when he's nowhere to be found. For all I knew he can't stand me anymore. Or, even worse, he's indifferent towards me. That renders me like nothing more than a long forgotten memory.

My heart stopped when I considered this possibility. I stood up and started pacing back and forth in my room. What if he has completely moved on? What if... He doesn't see me as the woman he loves anymore and I am just a woman he loved once?

If he could just see me and hear my voice, maybe he would realize that he made a mistake and maybe want to be with me again, or maybe even just consider going out on a date. No, I thought to myself, it's definitely not Joon's way to move on so quickly.

You mean the old Joon? The little voice inside my head asked, coming back full force. Would the old Joon have left you?

No...

What makes you think he's reverted back to the old him?

Joon is not like that. Old, new, he wouldn't just leave and forget that quickly.

Are you sure?

Shut up! You saw the way he kissed me! Even if he forgot everything else, surely... Surely he'll remember the kisses. Right? A man doesn't just kiss any woman the way he kissed me.

Unless he's a player.

Omo. Joon is not a player.

Uhm, do you know what a great catch he is?

Yes, I know. I sighed to myself. I love Joon.

He could totally be a player. He's handsome, successful, charming and has a great personality. Women would pay him to become a player.

You're right. I nodded to myself. I HATE JOON!

Strongly disliking the idea that there might be a chance that I am now just in love on my own, I plopped myself down in bed. I've done this unrequited love before. I know how difficult and painful it can be. But this unrequited love may just be worse. What do you call having unrequited love for someone who once had unrequited love for you who you were actually in a sort of relationship with where you were both in love and didn't know it? Serendipity?

No, serendipity is when it makes you laugh. Maybe the better term is irony. Poetic justice. Or... I know, I know! Karmic payback.

Will you stop? You're crazy and such a smart ass.

I'm you... So if I'm crazy then you're crazy. And who are you pointing fingers at when you're the one who's having a full on conversation with yourself?

Realizing the truth in my thoughts' words, I buried my head in one of my pillows and stifled a scream. How did I become this way? I spotted my puppy looking at me concerned.

Hey, the little voice insisted.

I'm not listening to you anymore.

One last thing before I shut up today. I was going to point this out earlier but you had me distracted with the let's name this situation game we were playing. For something you don't care for... Do you go out of your way to avoid it when it's around? Like... If it's somewhere do you make a beeline for the exit to get away from it?

No because it doesn't matter. Why would I care where it is or how often I see it? It's not even worth the effort. And I don't see where you're going with this.

Yah... Don't be obtuse. You're already in this predicament because you didn't want to acknowledge something you knew in your heart to be true. Why would Joon avoid you if he doesn't care? Why would he make an effort not to speak about you or mention your name? Think about it.

I looked out my windows and attempted to come to a reasonable conclusion. The biggest smile forming on my face, I got out of my room and ran back upstairs. The gang was still where I left them just a few minutes before.

"Yah... Haitai..." I said and looked at me. "I need confirmation. Joon doesn't ever talk about me or ask about me, right?" He nodded. "He never says my name?" He shook his head no.

"Na Jeong-ah, I'm sorry," he started. "I should never have said anything about that. Sometimes I forget..."

I silenced him with a hug. "I'm so happy! He doesn't talk about me AT ALL! This is the best news EVER!"

Haitai peeled my arms off from his neck and looked at me strangely. "Are you... Okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Planting a loud smack on Yoon Jin's cheek, I practically left the landing skipping as I was so giddy. I ran downstairs and hugged Omma and Appa before going back to my room. I was about to close my door when I heard Appa's voice.

"Yeobo... I think that there's something wrong with our daughter."

## July 8, 2000

## 8:00 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

My hand poised to knock on Haitai's door, I thought about the game plan I set for myself yesterday.

After Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin's final dinner at the house last night, I tried to subtly ask my parents if they had Joon's number. Appa glared at me and asked why they would need it when he calls all the time. My first avenue was gone.

An hour later I invited Binggrae and Haitai to have drinks with me upstairs. I hoped that they might reveal Joon's number when they were drunk, but noooo... They both just fell asleep instead. My second avenue was gone.

Reflecting on my lack of success at the moment I sighed and knocked on Haitai's door. Now that Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo have moved out, he wasted no time in reclaiming his room back. He said to enter and I went in only to see him sitting in front of the computer reading an email. From Joon? I thought excitedly. Trying to hold back on my elation, I pretended to look around.

"This room looks so different now that Yoon Jin has been staying in here. You have a bed now, too," I said as I tried to conspicuously look over his shoulder. It's too far, I thought. I can't read anything. I made my way closer to him trying to get a better view. Haitai continued staring at his screen, oblivious. Just as I was about to ask him what he was doing, like a gift from God, his phone rang. Without bothering to close his screen he stood up and took the call.

"Ae Jung-ah?" Haitai said. "Wait a minute... I can't hear you..." I watched as he tried one corner of the room and unsuccessful, went to another part of the room. "Jagiya, hang on. The reception in my room is bad... Let me go outside so I can hear you properly." He left his room quickly and I found myself right by his computer, with his email opened right in front of me.

Not believing my luck, for one second I debated whether I should do this. It's illegal right? But what can I do? I am a woman in love. Joon is worth going to jail for. With this thought in my head, I sat down and scanned his emails, looking for Joon's address. An email in the middle of the screen caught my eye. I got it!

Furtively looking over my shoulder, I quickly searched for a piece of paper and pen. Finding them I wrote his address down and closed the email. I slipped the piece of paper in my pocket and had just placed the pen back where I found it when Haitai returned. Standing up now I tried to mask my guilty look with a smile.

"Na Jeong-ah... Why are you still here? Did you want to tell me something?" he asked, brows drawn.

"Ahhh, no..." I stammered. "No. Omma wanted you down for breakfast."

"Yeah she told me when I took the call. I'll be down in a minute."

"Okay." I ran out of his room with my hand in my pocket. Jackpot! I suddenly felt like laughing. I can't believe how easy that was. I went to my room and placed his address on my table. Walking to breakfast I was filled with hope and happiness. Kim Jae Joon, I thought, you better be ready. Because I'm coming for you.

When I got to the table, Omma and Haitai were already eating. Appa was reading the newspaper and Binggrae was nowhere to be found. Not noticing that I was still smiling like a fool, I bid them all good morning. Omma smiled at me, Appa kept reading the papers and Haitai just gave me a funny look.

"Where's Bing?" I asked, helping myself to some kimchi.

"He said he had to be at the hospital," Omma responded. "He left the same time as Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo."

"Ahhh..." I said. I wanted to have everyone here, but I guess this will have to do. Clearing my throat, I stood up. "Omma, Appa, chinggu-ya... I have an announcement to make. I have made a decision. I'm going to marry Kim Jae Joon."

# THIRD INNING

## Sincheon Boarding House

## July 8, 2000

##  8:00 am

##  Na Jeong

"Omma, Appa, chinggu-ya... I have an announcement to make. I have made a decision. I'm going to marry Kim Jae Joon."

Across the table Haitai started choking on his rice. From the corner of my eye, I saw Appa put his paper down and look at me incredulously. Omma clapped her hands and stood up, wrapping her arms around me in a tight embrace. Haitai was still coughing when I looked over at him.

"Na Jeong-ah, congratulations!" Omma said. "I didn't even know you two were dating. But it's Chilbong... He's practically part of the family already! I'm so happy for you both."

"What the hell is this?" Appa said. His voice was raised, but I detected a current of glee in there as well. Looking at him I thought I saw him trying to hide a smile. "That Chilbong. He never said anything about this when we spoke on the phone. I'm going to have to yell at him when we talk again. He should have spoken to me first, but..." He signed dramatically and said, as if resigned, "if it's already been decided, I guess I can't very well refuse."

"Yeobo, I need to make a list of what we will need for the wedding. We need to meet Chilbong's parents, and figure out a dowry. Oh, there's so much to do!" Omma turned to me with a questioning look on her face. "Na Jeong-ah, when will Chilbong come home? Has he told his parents yet? When will the wedding be?" At these questions I felt everyone's eyes boring into me.

"Ahhh, that's the thing..." I sat back down and looked at my plate. "Hedoesn'tknowityet." Afraid to look at them, I took a mouthful of rice.

"What?" Appa demanded. "Yah... Speak clearly so we understand."

"Uhm," I paused, not knowing how to proceed without making myself look insane. "I made this decision last night, and he doesn't know it yet. But I'll definitely marry him! I swear I will!"

Everyone stared at me for a few minutes, as if trying to think of what to say.

"Are you two dating?" Omma asked gently. I shook my head no.

"Aigoo," Appa said, still shocked. "Our daughter has gone crazy." He folded up his newspaper and for a second I was afraid that he was about to beat me back into sanity with it. Instead he just looked at me with pity in his eyes. "I think you need to take a vacation or something. All the stress has obviously gotten to you." He paused, as if choosing his next words very carefully. "Na Jeong-ah... Chilbong. Is. In. America." He said the last sentence so slowly, like I was a child being told that the sky is blue. I cringed despite of myself and carried on eating. Omma sat back down next to me and kept patting my back, as if trying to make me feel better. I looked over at Haitai and saw that the reason he's been quiet is because his mouth was hidden behind his hands. His shoulders shaking with mirth, there were tears running down his eyes from laughing. I glared at him and finally, he attempted to stop before breaking out into laughter again.

"I don't care if you all think I'm delusional," I said. "I'm definitely marrying him. I have a game plan and everything!"

Omma just kept shaking her head sadly at me. Appa coughed and spoke again. "Na Jeong-ah... It's okay. You'll get over this... Crush? You said the same thing about Lee Sang Min, and you got over that too."

"This is not the same thing at all!" I protested, upset. "It's nowhere near the same thing!" Picking up my plate, I stood up. "And I really don't appreciate how unsupportive you're all being right now. If you'll excuse me, I think I'll finish my breakfast in my room, where no one will judge me." Turning around, I walked to my room and sat down on my bed. Fuming, I finished my food. You'll all see, I said to myself. I will marry him for sure.

## Restaurant Gary Danko

##  San Francisco, California

##  July 24, 2000

##  Chilbong

Shrugging off my jacket, I looked out the window overlooking San Francisco Bay. It was a beautiful evening in the city, and there were a lot of tourists on Fishermen's Wharf milling around. Checking my watch I saw that there's still about five minutes until Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin were expected to arrive. Taking a sip of my drink I made a mental note to rest my shoulder as soon as I get home. The ride back from Los Angeles had been comparatively short but the team has been travelling so much since the season started that my body is starting to feel the stress. The arrival of the hostess interrupted my thoughts and I looked up to see two familiar faces smiling at me.

"Chilbong-ah!" Samcheonpo said. Standing up to greet them, he held out his hand but I grabbed him to me for a tight hug instead.

Turning to Yoon Jin, I greeted her warmly. "Mrs. Kim," I said. She greeted me by putting her arms around me in an affectionate hug.

"Yah... Yah... That's enough." Samcheonpo put himself between me and his wife to break us apart. I laughed and motioned for them to sit down. He took in our surroundings before speaking. "We would have been here earlier but there was traffic from the hotel and we couldn't find a place to park. Did you know that this is a very popular restaurant? There's a line of people outside waiting to go in. How did you get us seats so quickly anyway?"

"Aigoo," I responded in a teasing voice. "Don't you know I'm a Major Leaguer?" I laughed. "No, I had to beg them... Told them it's the only place around that didn't have a menu." At their questioning looks, I added, "I still have a hard time ordering food." At that, Samcheonpo chuckled and Yoon Jin laughed.

"Wow, Chilbong-ah... Look at this view! I can't believe you live here! It's beautiful." Yoon Jin said appreciatively.

I nodded. "Yeah, but it's not home."

"Mr. Kim, are your guests ready to order drinks?" The waitress appeared at our table and I shot an enquiring look at Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin.

"I just want water," he replied.

"Orange juice for me," answered Yoon Jin.

In English I told the waitress what they wanted as Samcheonpo looked on.

"Your English is so much better now," he commented, sounding impressed. I held out my fingers about an inch and responded.

"Just a little. I have a lot to learn still," I paused as the waitress brought their drinks. "So, tell me, how are you enjoying your honeymoon?"

"Chilbong-ah, you didn't have to give us all this for a wedding present. It's really too much," Yoon Jin said.

"Hey, it was the only way I can see you guys..." I said jokingly. "Have you moved out of the boarding house yet?" Yoon Jin nodded.

Looking at the two of them sitting across the table from me, I was struck by how happy I am that they were here. My Omma barely calls, and when I do speak to her, she's made no mention of any plans to come visit. Surprisingly she's still married to Ahjusshi, but unsurprisingly, she was still busy with work. I make it a point to speak to Seoul Omma and Coach every Friday, except for that one when Na Jeong answered unexpectedly and I hung up the call in panic, but I usually get an email from the rest of the gang at least three times a week. Still it wasn't the same as being able to speak face to face.

The food arrived shortly thereafter and I listened as Samcheonpo spoke excitedly about driving in the Nevada desert coming here from Las Vegas. Yoon Jin just looked on lovingly at him while he told funny stories about the problems they've had while travelling because of the language barrier. They both spoke about their jobs and their new apartment. It was good to see them both settled and happy. Samcheonpo appeared to be settling into his new husband role well and Yoon Jin looked radiant.

"Yah... Marriage suits you both. Yoon Jin-ah, I've never seen you look more beautiful." She blushed prettily and Samcheonpo leaned towards her and gave her a quick hug. Clearing my throat, I kept my eyes on my plate. "How... How is everyone?" I asked hesitantly. Looking up, I met Yoon Jin's curious eyes. "Well, I've been really busy on the road so I haven't had a chance to check my emails..." I stammered. She didn't respond and just kept looking at me.

"Really?" Yoon Jin asked. "Because you answer our emails VERY promptly. You even answered the one we sent you from our hotel room coming here." I was thinking of an acceptable believable response when thankfully I heard Samcheonpo speak.

"Erm... Chilbong-ah, where's the toilet?" Samcheonpo asked. I pointed behind me and he nodded. I watched him make his way to the bathroom and when I turned around, Yoon Jin was still watching me with an unreadable expression on her face.

Unsure of how to proceed, I blurted out the first question that came to mind. "So... What time is your flight to New York City tomorrow?" Without waiting for an answer I continued. "I've been there before but only for games so I never had the chance to explore. I heard the views from the top of Empire State Building are great. I want to go see the Statue of Liberty too..." I know that I'm babbling, but she just stayed silent. Suddenly she reached into her bag and pulled out a slim envelope. She put it on the table and slid it to me. "What's this?" I asked, slipping my finger under the flap to open it.

"Wedding pictures." She replied. Looking down, the first picture I see is of Na Jeong fixing Yoon Jin's veil. Her hair in soft curls, a bright smile on her face. Second picture was Na Jeong sandwiched between Ae Jung and Jin Yi, her expression caught mid laugh. I briefly scanned all the pictures and saw that they all featured Na Jeong somehow, in different poses, with different people, and with different facial expressions. Stopping at the last picture I saw that it was a shot of Na Jeong, looking straight at the camera. Her beautiful eyes sparkling, her complexion flawless and her lips tinted with a bit of gloss. She looked like she was thinking of something important. She looked like a woman in love.

Before I could stop myself, my thumb brushed over her image, as if in doing so I might actually feel her again. I was putting the pictures back in the envelope when Yoon Jin spoke.

"Keep them... They're yours." I met her gaze and a lump formed in my throat. Attempting to keep my face expressionless, I gave her a wistful smile.

"I don't want..." I was just about to give them back when Samcheonpo returned and sat back down. Unable to refuse, I put the envelope in my coat pocket just as dessert came. "She's... They're beautiful, Yoon Jin-ah. Thank you."

She nodded back in acknowledgment. We ate our desserts in silence.

After dinner I walked them to their rental car. Feeling suddenly melancholic, I reminded them to text me when they arrive in New York City. Samcheonpo nodded and shook my hand. Yoon Jin gave me one last embrace before getting into the car.

"Chilbong-ah, don't work too hard! I'll talk to you soon," Samcheonpo called out from his window as he was driving off while Yoon Jin's hand waved from the opposite side of the car. I waved back in response and started walking home.

Once I returned to my apartment I quickly took a shower and packed my gear for my game tomorrow. I was just about to get into bed when I remembered the envelope still in my jacket pocket. Taking it out, I placed it in the drawer of my bedside table, where it joined the unopened box holding the baseball with her message. Finally lying down, I resolved not to look at the pictures again. I don't need them to remember her face. Whether I like it or not, Na Jeong haunts me in my dreams every night.

## Sincheon Boarding House

## August 21, 2000

## 2:30 a.m.

## Na Jeong

I'm confused.

There is snow falling outside the windows, and I wasn't in my room, but the upstairs sitting room. The radio was on and its sound tinkled over me mockingly. It was distorted, not quite clear, and I wondered for a minute if I had gone back in time.

Why was it winter again? I thought. Summer is nearing its end, another season gone by. But it feels cold now, I thought, as I rubbed my hands on either side of my arms, trying to shake off the chill as I looked out to a landscape covered in a blanket of snow. Where were my gloves? Where was my phone? I looked around slowly, was still doing so when I heard footsteps up the stairs.

"Na Jeong-ah," I heard a familiar voice call out, and I turned around to see Joon, a pot of ramyun between his hands. He was grinning at me and I had to close my mouth in surprise. "The ramyun's ready."

When I continued standing there shell shocked, he cocked his head to one side and sent me a teasing smile.

"Are you just going to stand there staring at me?" He asked. "I thought you said you were hungry."

I waited until he had put the pot down before I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his back. His back felt strong under my head, and I felt him hesitate before he loosened my arms around him. I feared that he was about to pull away, but he just turned me around and wrapped me more securely in his embrace.

Home. This is what this felt like. Like things have been put back to rights in my world. Gratitude poured over me in waves, and I fought to keep the happy tears from falling. I kept my head tightly tucked onto his chest, holding on desperately even as he chuckled.

"The food is getting cold," he remarked. "Let's eat."

I was so focused on him that I didn't even notice that the pot didn't let off any steam when he lifted its lid, that the scene I was now in were painted in watered down shades of colour. It didn't matter. That what was unfolding before me had happened before didn't bother me. Joon was here. He was in front of me now.

A familiar song started playing on the radio and I recognized it instantly. I still wasn't worried then, though goosebumps travelled up and down my body. Joon stood up quickly and offered me a hand.

"Na Jeong-ah, want to dance with me?"

I nodded gamely as I placed my hand in his, his grasp strong. He pulled me flush against him and I smiled. With his lips on my forehead we swayed together quietly to the melancholy melody until I heard him cough and clear his throat.

"Na Jeong-ah..."

"Hmm?" I answered, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Make sure you eat well, okay? Don't work too hard. Make sure to turn off the fan before you sleep else you'll catch a cold. Always drive carefully and never drive alone." I felt the hair on the back of my neck rise as I heard the familiar words. I wanted to tell him to stop it, to stop playing with me, to stop saying these things but no sound would come out. "Have one of your friends go with you to Sang Min Hyung's games in case you get in a fight. Drink a lot of water before the game so you don't get a sore throat. Make sure you wear your back brace as soon as you start hurting. Remember to wake up in time for breakfast before heading to work." He kept on talking, quickly now, and my heart was panicking in my chest. Why are you telling me this? I wanted to ask. Please stop. Just. Stop. "You're listening, right?"

I was about to lift my head and look at him, to tell him how I felt. To ask him not to give me advice but to just stay with me instead. I wanted to tell him that I loved him, to hear him tell me that he loved me back. That he loved me still. That he never stopped. That he never will. I wanted to tell him how I've waited for this day, how I've wished for it as soon as I realized he was gone. I wanted to tell him I'm sorry, for hurting him, for not realizing, for not being ready.

I opened my mouth to tell him all of these things, ready to lay my heart bare at his feet, just like he claimed he would do for me in his letter. The letter. The memory of that letter shook me, told me that this is not what it seemed. Frantically I tried to grab hold of him, to hold him tighter against me, but when I reached out, I felt only air. Joon was gone. He was not here. My memories and wishes have betrayed me once more.

The heartbreak came then, just as painful as it was the first time around, just as painful as it has been every time it came. It left me breathless, my body folding into itself before I could even stop. The shock left me reeling, tears flowing freely now.

Like a song I've heard a million times before, like a smell I've known since I can remember. Like a muscle can have memory, and how a taste can take you back in time. Pain... The very real feeling of it, palpable, alive and breathing, is what ended up shaking me awake.

I opened my eyes and saw as the moonlight drifted in from the curtains, casting a shadow over my bed. I lifted a shaky hand over my face and wasn't surprised to find it wet with tears. This is not the first time this has happened, and I doubt it would be the last.

I dream so much of Joon that it should have already stopped being so surprising, and yet that's not the case. My dreams are made up of memories of our past, and it chokes me, every single time. No matter how far I think I've come, the memory of Joon reduces me to this, every single time. It's been eight months. Eight months to the day.

Some days are better than others. There are days when missing him was so inherently a part of me that I can't even differentiate it anymore from other emotions.

It just is. I just am.

I am a woman who is in love with a man who no longer loved me. I am a woman who misses that man. I carried the weight of heartbreak and tried to battle it with memory. My only hope deriving from the fact that his ties with me have not been cut yet, at least not completely. I rely on my and others' memories to prove that I didn't fool myself. That his love had been real. That it had been mine.

Some days are better than others. Today is not one of those days. When a not so good day comes I pretend, if only for a little while, that I am fine. I like to think that I convince people too. I've learned to breathe again, to smile again. I've learned to hope and believe again. I've done an acceptable job of moving forward.

But sometimes, and always in the space between sleeping and waking, he finds me again. Not Joon as he is my dreams... Perfect, untouchable. Instead the Joon that I see is Joon as he had been... Real and flawed, but beautiful nonetheless.

I suppose it began yesterday morning, when the first sight that greeted me was his face on a newspaper, his name printed in big bold letters, mocking me and reminding me of what I once had, even just briefly. Fascinated I traced the letters on the paper, the ink staining my fingers.

Sure, I read articles online, but I do that with a lot of mental preparation. Seeing his face and his name on something so tangible was something I had no control over. Just like the emotions it brings with it.

Kim. Jae. Joon. Once just a name to me. Once just a name I said so carelessly, had thrown out so casually. Now I can't even see it without love attached to every character. A name that was just a name once has now become the most precious in my memory. I whisper it in my dreams and call it out in my moments of happiness, my moments of anger, and my moments of grief. I greet him every day pretending that he's there. I talk to him through the day because it's what keeps me sane. The idea that somewhere in the world he exists. I pretend that he may be listening because the thought that he is not steals the air from my body.

I've emailed him since July, and I have yet to receive a response. I feel like I'm talking to myself most days when I write those emails, and yet I keep doing it. Another pretense. Except this time I'm pretending he's reading them all and experiencing my days with me. Even with this I was selfish. Even if he didn't want me in his life I still wanted him in mine.

A name, one which did not hold any special meaning to me once, is now part of my daily vocabulary, of my mental dictionary. A name that has become synonymous with love, sacrifice, generosity, strength and loyalty. It's become my inspiration, my motivation, my dream and my sin. It flows through me like the blood in my veins, as if it had always been there. As if it will always be there.

I live my life fully, if not wholeheartedly. How was I to live a life with my heart full when half of my heart was gone?

Every feeling has lessened, except for the pain. The feeling of missing him is also just as acute. Most times I do an adequate enough job of disguising it, claiming to be tired, blaming a bad day at work. But I know our friends see through it, though no one but Yoon Jin would say it out loud.

I see it in the careful way they still danced around his name, the overly protective way they try to never mention him in front of me. I see it in the way they spoke in whispers when they think I'm not listening and when they change their topic of conversation when I enter a room. They are walking their balance between him and me, and I do not envy their position.

I hang onto the charm Joon gave me as if it was my lifeline, my direct connection to him. I wear his baseball cap when I'm alone, as if it will keep me in his world. My hands don his gloves even when I don't need them, because I always need him.

Just seeing his name again on paper has shaken me. Once in a while I make believe that I am okay. And I am, for the most part. If by okay one means that I am functioning. If by okay one means I am living, working, eating then I am okay. I am trying. Trying to the best of my ability to live a life despite having regrets. Time stood still for me now. Endless, infinite. It's all I have to contend with, to find comfort in. My best friend and my worst enemy.

A million beautiful moments with him taken for granted because I expected that we would have a million more. Every missed opportunity danced around in my head. Every missed chance. The dream of a life with the one who loved me most. I look back on the time he was in my life and though I know consciously that it wasn't perfect, my heart won't see it as less than that. Every touch, every kiss, every word spoken... It was all perfect in my head. Memories are funny that way. And the idea that it may all stay perfect broke my heart even more, knowing that it will forever just be a memory, reminding me that that time had already passed and is no more.

Most of the time I am distracted by work, by family, by friends. I don't allow myself too much time alone because it inevitably brings up memories of him. The one who loved me when I was myself. The one who expected me to be no one else but myself.

I looked at my hands, shaking in earnest now, feeling the chill that didn't exist. My fingertips still carried the smudge of ink on them, reminding me of how I didn't want to wash it off, as if washing it off meant erasing him.

Some days are better than others, I told myself as I laid myself back down on the bed, my face towards the sky. Tomorrow will be better.

When I wake up again I know I'll be back to the Na Jeong who believes firmly that she will marry Joon, to the Na Jeong who formulated a game plan, to the Na Jeong whose resolve cannot be shaken. But for now I'll embrace this part of me too because this is the Na Jeong that remembers how much I had to get through to even get to this point. The journey is just as important as the destination, if not more, right?

Some days are better than others. Tonight is not so good, but that's okay. Tomorrow will be better. I will make sure that it is.

## Omni William Penn Hotel

## Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

## August 28, 2000

## Chilbong

I loosened my tie as I handed the valet attendant the keys to my car. Patting my jacket for my wallet and hotel room key, I thought back on the day as I waited for him to return with my ticket.

My shoulder ached in my suit jacket, a reminder to ice it before going to bed. We had played a game earlier and won. It had been a close game, the first of five that we will play here, and I was glad for the victory. Every win gets us closer to the division championship and I know that I and my teammates have worked hard to get there.

It had been an afternoon game, and I only just had enough time after the game for our post game huddle and interview before I had checked into the hotel and taken a shower, changing into a suit for yet another date a teammate has set up.

I could swear those guys wanted me to couple up with somebody. And though the experience got better the more I went out, it didn't change the fact that I was a passive, but not unwilling participant in these dates. I never refused, partially because I've run out of excuses to tell them and myself, and partially because what red blooded male would refuse the company of beautiful women? It's not as if I am not single.

The one consistent thing in all these dates is that I have made a hard and fast rule to live by, one that I have told my teammates over and over again. I never go out with the same woman twice. It discourages forming attachments, and I knew that was necessary. I may not be averse to dating casually, but the last thing I would want to do is lead somebody on.

It's not that they haven't been beautiful girls, but I just haven't met one yet who took my breath away. That's because you're too picky, the little voice said. You already had one who took your breath away, and you saw how that played out. She took your breath away and leaving her almost killed you! I told myself to shut up. That voice of mine has gotten me in trouble one too many times.

Thinking back now I realized that I haven't even done much in the way of planning the dates. Most of the time I am already given a restaurant name and the time of the reservation. All I needed to do was show up in a suit, spend a couple of hours making pleasant but distant conversation, and pay.

Tonight had been the exception.

Tonight's date was a half Japanese and half Brazilian model named Vanessa. She was the friend of a team mate's cousin and was an avid baseball fan. She was tall, extremely beautiful, almost sinfully so. She lacked any coquettishness, and was a self-proclaimed tomboy. She spoke four languages, and had a master's degree, which she obtained even while pursuing a modelling career. She was paper perfect, as they all had been.

Warm and engaging, she wasted no time before spitting out my season stats and asking me about it. That she did so to break the ice made me laugh. It never fails to surprise me how outspoken American girls are. She spoke candidly about the fact that this was a setup for her too, and that she was, in fact, already in love with someone else. She just hadn't told her friends and her family for fear of disapproval and so she agreed to the date.

I admired her candour, and was relieved that she put it out on the table before the meal even began. It took the pressure off me then, and I was able to enjoy our dinner without cautiously watching my words. We didn't run out of conversation topics to talk about, what with her having lived in Japan for a few years. We shared a laugh over the strange Japanese inclination towards cosplay and their very distinct baseball fandoms. Not having English as a first language either, she understood only too well how hard it was to learn the language, and forgave me my lapses in silence when I can't quite find the correct English phrase to express my thoughts. It was the first time on a date that I felt comfortable, and the first time on a date that I wasn't expected to pay.

It had caught me by surprise when she pulled out her wallet as the server delivered our check. She said it drove her crazy, the way men are always designated to pay. It took five minutes to convince her that it was the least I could do for the trouble and finally she agreed.

Under other circumstances she would be the type of woman who would appeal to me. She was intelligent and well rounded, and we shared common interests. She was well travelled and not averse to change. That she was incredibly beautiful was only icing on the cake. And yet...

Besides a comfortable rapport I felt nothing else. Not even a flicker of interest. That the perfect, albeit attached, woman had sat in front of me and I felt no attraction whatsoever made me wonder if something could be wrong with me. Like really, seriously wrong with me.

The valet attendant handed me my ticket then and I walked into the hotel lobby, shrugging out of my suit jacket as I made my way to the elevators. Pressing the button to the floor where my room was, I got there in no time and was surprised to see Jung Jin Hyung, casually dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt, carrying a plastic bag, waiting for me at my door.

"Why are you here so late?" I asked as I inserted my key into the door and waited for the green light before opening it.

"Why do you think I'm here?" I heard him ask behind me as he followed me into the room.

He walked past me as I emptied my pockets on the coffee table and sat himself down on the couch before opening the bag he brought. I watched as he pulled out a few bottles of soju, a couple of plastic cups and some dried fish.

"Where the hell did you get that?" I asked, a genuine smile on my face as I sat down next to him.

He opened the packet of dried fish before answering. "I found a Koreatown in Pittsburgh," he replied. "Who knew?"

I uncapped one of the bottles and poured us both drinks. After letting the bitter liquid go down my throat, I repeated my question again, seeing as he didn't answer the first time.

"What are you doing here?"

"I thought that this time I'll come to you after your date, instead of you driving like a mad man to find me," he answered. "It's happened every time you've gone out on a date, and I didn't think tonight was going to be different. So I brought reinforcements."

"Wow," I said admiringly. "You know me so well."

"It's my job to know you," he joked. "How will I market you if I have no clue?" He lifted the bottle to pour us another shot before he spoke again. "How did it go?"

"It went really well." When he looked like he didn't believe me, I added, "this time I'm not lying. It was really good. She's perfect." He looked at me, astounded, before clapping a hand on my back. "Too bad she already has a boyfriend."

He clucked his tongue at me then before throwing a dried fish my way. We continued drinking in silence for a few minutes, the sound of the television recapping the sports news playing.

"You know what would be perfect right now, Joon-ah?" Hyung asked. "Some kimchi jigae."

The thought made my mouth water and I nodded. "Sung Omma makes really good kimchi jigae."

"Sung Omma?" He asked. "Ahh... The lady that ran the boarding house you lived at in Yonsei?"

"Yeah. She's a great cook."

"I knew there was a reason you kept going back there," he teased and I chuckled in spite of myself. "Ddukbokki would be really good with this too. Did she cook that as well?"

I thought about his question, my mind searching for any instance when Omma cooked ddukbokki, only to find none. Every time I've eaten ddukbokki in that house we have always bought it, and I always shared it with Na Jeong.

Dammit.

And here I thought I was doing so well. I have only ever allowed myself to think of her to for two minutes before every game, my one reward for staying so resolute. And yet, times like this, the memory of her still comes back so easily, so effortlessly. It's as easy as taking a breath. That it continues to be this way was the cross that I had to bear. When I realized that Hyung was still waiting for a response, I tried to adopt a casual tone.

"You know what... I'm sure she can cook ddukbokki too, but she's never cooked it in the years I lived there," I replied. "I love ddukbokki."

"I'm sure you can make it," Hyung said, completely unaware that I wasn't really talking about ddukbokki. "I've come across some recipes online and it doesn't seem that hard to follow. I think the hardest thing will be finding..."

He carried on speaking but my mind was somewhere else. Back to Seoul. The last time I ate ddukbokki. The last time I saw her. Jesus. I miss her. Most of the time now I forget just how much, but sometimes it still catches me by surprise. I don't even miss the big things. In fact it's the little things that kill me each time. The way she looks when she first wakes up. The way she smiles at me. At this, I took a swig of the soju directly from the bottle and was annoyed when he swiped it off my hand.

"Gentlemen drink from cups, not bottles, Joon-ah," he advised. "Do you ever listen to a word I say? You were gone, just now. What were you thinking about?"

"Nothing," I lied. "Just... I just miss ddukbokki a lot."

"Joon-ah."

I looked at him when he said my name softly. "Hmm?"

"The way you just said that... I think you may miss ddukbokki more than anyone has ever missed ddukbokki in their lives," he said quietly. "You say I know you well, and I admit that I do, but there are times I look at you and I realize I have no clue who you are. So, Kim Jae Joon, who are you?"

"I'm..." I paused as I looked for the answer he wanted to hear. "A baseball player."

"And?"

"And?" I asked. "And that's it. That's what I do. It's who I am."

"Joon-ah," he said as he poured us another round. "One day, you're going to realize that you have so much more to offer besides baseball. I hope it's soon though, because people only take what they think they deserve, and you can't possibly know that unless you were honest about who you are. Take it from Hyung... Finding out who you are is the first step to finding happiness."

"Says the guy whose longest relationships are only with those related to him by blood," I said lightly, trying to change the topic.

"Yah... I know exactly who I am," he retorted back, indignant. "My short personal involvements are precisely because of that. I don't do well with long term relationships... I just choose to be honest about it. Turns out that some women are not interested in it either."

He had taken the bait and I was grateful. Self-exploration can be saved for another day. I'm already exhausted and my resistance to these feelings and memories were low. We finished the second bottle of soju in silence, watching television companionably. Jung Jin Hyung packed up what's left of the snacks and put the remaining soju in the fridge, declaring it enough for one night considering that I had a game tomorrow.

I stopped at the ice machine after walking him out and sat on the bed, my back against the headboard, an ice pack on my shoulder, and fell asleep with the television still blaring in the background.

Soft fingers on my hair woke me up suddenly, and I was surprised to see Na Jeong looking at me lovingly, the tips of her fingers tracing my forehead and my cheekbones before landing on my lips. Her eyes were a soft green, the colour of wet moss. The pillow under my head was soft, the bed unnaturally small. My feet hung from its end, but not uncomfortably so. I was where I wanted to be.

Sunlight was peeking through her curtains, the trees outside covered with a sheen of snow. The house was quiet, with none of the familiar sounds coming from the kitchen or the living room. We were alone, it seemed.

"Joon-ah," she whispered, and I almost cried at the pleasure of hearing her say my name again. "About yesterday..."

"Don't worry about..." I started to say, until she put two fingers on my lips.

"Shhh," she said, her eyes misty. "Don't say any more. It's my turn to talk now."

I stayed quiet, a feeling close to sorrow threatening to overwhelm me. I have to leave. I have to leave tonight. I have to leave her. It's going to kill me but I have to leave her.

"You asked me yesterday how I felt and I didn't answer," she said. "Do you remember?"

I nodded wordlessly before she smiled and leaned even closer to me until our faces were almost touching.

"I'm ready to answer now," she whispered, her voice like music to my ears. "Joon-ah, I love you."

She had said it so softly I thought I only imagined it, but then she said it again. And then again. Petal soft lips were pressed onto mine even as I felt my tears fall. Her fingers were running through my hair, her mouth tasting like heaven. Our breaths mingled together as our hearts beat a synchronized rhythm. Chest to chest, hip to hip, we were as close as two people can possibly be.

There was a loud beeping noise and I turned away for one second, to see where it was coming from, only to find myself back in my hotel room, still sitting up, the ice pack on my shoulder long melted into water. The television was checking its emergency broadcasting system, and I cursed at it for waking me up.

This is not the first time I had this dream, and my visceral reaction to it is the same every time, though I wished for it not to be so. The feeling was made up of grief and joy and hope and fear, all rolled into one. Remembering. Forgetting. At this moment in time, I didn't know which was worse. My subconscious has managed to make real that which I wished for more than anything else, and that was, all at once, a relief and a crime.

Still it didn't change the sad fact that when I have this recurring dream, I don't ever want to wake up. My dreams made me happier than reality ever did. Some people wake up from nightmares wishing to wake up as quickly as possible. This was the opposite of that. This felt like I was waking up into the nightmare when all I wanted was to stay in the dream forever.

I've already made peace with the fact that in this reality Na Jeong will never love me. I made the right decision. I have to try harder to forget her, I thought. I have to try harder. Because if I don't these dreams will never end and I will continue to live only half an existence.

It was with this in mind that I laid back down, my head facing the windows, the sight of yet another city illuminated by lights as my view. It wasn't until two hours later that I fell back asleep, and this time I was given a reprieve. I slept deeply, with no dreams or memories of Na Jeong keeping me company.

I should have felt relieved but I felt lonely instead. It was the loneliest feeling in the world having everything except that which you loved the most. My subconscious admitted this, at least, more willingly than I awake ever did.

## Sincheon Boarding House

##  September 27, 2000

## 7:30 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

I sighed as I closed my laptop. Still no response. It's been 86 days since I started emailing Joon and still no response. I've written him an email every day for the past 3 months, and no word back from him. For a minute I wondered if I had misread the whole situation, but then I shook that thought away. Do NOT waver, I told myself. It's the middle of the season. Of course he doesn't have time to respond. Comforted by that, I opened my laptop again and opened my email.

Pressing the compose button, I started my message to Joon for the day.

DATE: September 27, 2000

TIME: 7:30 p.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

Joon-ah,

I passed some kids playing baseball on my way home earlier. I asked them why they played baseball, and one of the kids told me it was because he wanted to be like you. I told them I knew you and they didn't believe me. Won't you come home to help me prove them wrong?

Yours always,

Na Jeong

Feeling like I have accomplished my daily goal, I marked today's date on the calendar with an X. I put my laptop away and went out of my room.

Everyone was sitting in the living room. Appa was sitting on the couch, with Haitai and Ae Jung in front of them. To the side Binggrae, who avoided meeting my eyes, and Jin Yi. Omma came into the living room with an enormous tray of food. She set it down on in the middle of all of us and sat herself next to Appa.

"Why are we all here anyway?" I asked, looking around.

"Chilbong is going to be on television," Binggrae said, still not looking at me. Feeling my heart race at the mention of Joon's name, I stayed quiet for a moment.

"Yah, how did you know about it, Binggrae?" Haitai asked, popping a grape in his mouth. "Did you see a commercial for it?"

"Joon emailed me earlier in the week and told me." At the mention of his emailing everyone else back but me, I felt my stomach do a somersault. I bit back my tongue from making a remark and helped myself to some of the fruit in front of me. All conversation stopped when the program started.

"Thank you for watching tonight's special. Next week, Kim Jae Joon will be playing in the Western Division Championship in the United States. We will be televising that game live as it's happening next weekend.

Kim Jae Joon-ssi has been quickly making the ranks in Major League Baseball. Tonight we will explore how his career began and see some interviews from his coaches and old teammates."

I watched raptly as they showed a footage of Joon from his Yonsei University days. They then showed a video of him playing in Japan and then finished up with some footage from his games this season. Even through a television screen I can't help but feel the intensity in his gaze as he played baseball. I've seen it first-hand a few times, but I will never stop being thrilled by it.

They followed up with his coaches from when he played as a child to his last Japanese coach. They all lauded his best qualities: his persistence, his strength, his ability to adapt. Well, I thought, those are some of the things that I love about him too. They featured an interview with In Sung, his Yonsei University catcher, who said that Joon was the best pitcher he's ever worked with. He described him as hardworking, dedicated and fearless. Yes, yes... I know this too. Smiling, I congratulated myself silently on my taste in men. Or my taste for this particular man anyway. I pick well...

For the last segment, they showed an interview they did with Joon five years ago. It had been after a game, when he was asked about his philosophy in baseball. Looking straight into the camera, his gaze focused and his expression determined, he spoke.

"It is said that in order to achieve success in one field, ten thousand hours are required. The ten-thousand-hour rule. You have to work hard and try and suffer till the very end. Like Yogi Berra once said, 'It ain't over 'til it's over.' "

Having never heard Joon ever speak this way, I couldn't help the warmth that washed over me as I listened to him say those words. What great timing that I heard it from his mouth that he wouldn't give up either. Even though it was recorded five years ago, it felt like he was encouraging me. More convinced now more than ever that I am on the right path, I am even more adamant about following my course of action.

I still believe in us, and until he comes back and tells me that he doesn't want me, or maybe even if he told me that, I will continue to believe in us. He's lost his faith, but I haven't.

Some people might say it's foolish of me to believe so blindly, but that's the thing. As I got to know myself I have learned that my faith is one thing I really appreciate about me. And I do not believe blindly. If my self-reflection has taught me about myself, it made me realize something else, too: I know Joon.

Not the version that everyone else knows, but the Joon that only I know, the Joon that I love. My Joon is a planner, and his pre-emptive strike in leaving proved just that. He would have sat down and thought about it, as well as weighed its cons and pros. He takes measured and calculated risks, no doubt something that has started with baseball and moved onto everything else in his life. And while in baseball his strategy is to attack, I've realized that in life his tactic is to defend. He is not as simple as he pretends to be. So you see, it's not with blindness that I put my faith in what we shared, but with the opposite. My vision may be clouded by tears sometimes, but I've learned to embrace that too. My sight could never be so blurred that I don't see past the pain.

I see Joon. I see his heart. I see everything now, and I can't wait to discover more.

Joon will fight it, and fight me, and I wouldn't expect any less, but he's committed the biggest sin in any sport, and life as well. He's underestimated his opponent. He didn't take into account the transformative power of time. He may think he knows me, but he has no idea. The Sung Na Jeong from his memory, the one from his youth, is still a part of me, but not all of me anymore. I've shed my old skin for a stronger and more resilient one. And this version of me, doesn't just give up on something that holds so much promise.

That night, as I tossed and turned in bed, I kept thinking about what I needed to do to prove to Joon that I am ready for him now and to convince him to give me another chance. Unable to keep my eyes open, I was just about to fall asleep when the idea came to me. Sitting back up, I smiled to myself. This is going to be interesting.

## October 4, 2000

##  Na Jeong

I woke up to the sight of billowing clouds outside my window. For only the third time in my life, I was on a plane on my way to an unknown destination, both literally and figuratively. With Bing getting married next month and an almost definite meeting at that time, I needed to see Joon before he comes back to Korea. I am not in the mood to have a nervous breakdown at his cousin's wedding.

I hope that even though Joon feels no need to answer my emails that he checks and reads them every day. I sent my last one from the PC room in the airport, asking him for some time after his game so that we could speak, attaching to it the name of a restaurant. I researched the restaurants in San Francisco and made a reservation in one that had a fixed price menu. My English is good, but I don't feel comfortable ordering food when I'm not entirely sure what it is or how it's been cooked. I really really hope he saw the email. Due to the short notice I was only allowed Friday and the following Monday off from work, and with the almost 12 hours flight time to and from Seoul, I barely have a day in San Francisco. I'm not sure if it will give me enough opportunity to change his mind, but at least it will drop me back into his radar again. I really think that he will see me and memories of loving me will come back naturally to him. Or at least, that's what I'm hoping.

I checked my watch and forced myself to relax. I should have taken the offer for wine earlier. It definitely would have helped with these nerves. Having nothing else to do I pulled out a package of kimbap given to me by Omma. Taking a bite I thought back on our conversation before I left.

Two days before...

I saw Omma cooking in the kitchen when I approached her. "Omma, can I talk to you for a minute?"

She turned around and looked at me. "Na Jeong-ah, is everything okay?" I nodded as I led her to the table. Once we were sitting down, I spoke again.

"Omma, I debated whether or not to tell you this, but I thought I should in case something happened. I'm going to San Francisco tomorrow."

"Why so soon? Why San Francisco?"

"Joon has a championship game on Saturday. I need to be there."

"Na Jeong-ah... You know we are always supportive of whatever you want to do. This is just like how you were with Lee Sang Min. I just want to know that you know what you're doing. You're going..."

"Omma," I said, taking her hand. "I love him."

"Of course you do. You were friends for a long time. It's natural to feel..."

"No, Omma. I LOVE him. I'm in love with him."

She looked at me then, understanding dawning on her face. She gave my hand a squeeze and said, "Okay."

"Omma, I know this might be unreasonable to ask, but can you not tell Appa about this? I'm not sure how Joon will react and I'd rather that no one else knows."

She nodded. "Okay, I won't tell Appa."

Smiling at the memory, I felt so lucky to have my parents. The fatigue of travelling getting to me, I fell back asleep against the window.

The ding of the "Fasten Your Seatbelt" sign coming on woke me up. I took a sip from my water bottle and tried to read a magazine. I looked at my watch impatiently as I put my drink away. Shifting myself on the seat, I noted my tense back and wondered how people could ride this all the time. I tried to tamp down my anxiety by looking out the window but I kept checking my watch, nervous that I won't make it on time. I haven't even arrived at my destination yet and I was already dreading the trip back. I was about to get up when I heard an announcement over the PA system.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we've already started our descent procedure into San Francisco International Airport. We expect to land at 1:30 pm. We will be arriving about 12 minutes before our scheduled time.

If you want to adjust your watches, it is 12:45 pm local time in San Francisco now. The weather is sunny but a little windy and the temperature is 17.7 degrees Celsius or 64 degrees Fahrenheit.

On behalf of all our crew, thank you for choosing Korean Air as your airline today. We wish you a pleasant stay in San Francisco and we hope to see you again very soon.

Cabin crew, please prepare for landing."

I listened vaguely to the announcement as I excused myself to go to the ladies room. With the game starting at 4:30 pm I won't have any time at all to freshen up before going. I grabbed my makeup bag and a change of clothes from my carry-on bag and went to the bathroom. Once there, I quickly rinsed my face and changed my clothes. I reapplied my makeup and brushed my teeth. By the time I returned to my seat we were about 15 minutes to landing.

Once the plane had safely descended and parked at the arrival bay, I stood up and gathered my belongings. I prepared myself mentally for my seeing Joon for the first time in nine months as I waited for the people to clear the aisle. Finally cleared, I reached up to the luggage compartment and grabbed my bag. I was walking towards the exit when I heard a voice behind me.

"Hey, you," someone called out in English. Unsure whether he was referring to me, I didn't turn around. "Hey, lady with the Yonsei University shirt on, you dropped something."

I turned around to see a middle aged American man holding up my charm. I looked at my phone, surprised at not having realized that I dropped it. I gratefully took it from him, said my thanks and fastened it back on my phone. I was about to walk away when his voice stopped me again.

"Hey... Your shirt. Is the Kim on the back for Kim Jae Joon? I noticed the number 77," he explained with a smile. "My son is also a big fan of his."

Suddenly self-conscious, I nodded in response. Turning around, I placed Joon's cap on my head and made my way out the plane.

## Pacific Bell Park

##  San Francisco, California

##  October 4, 2000

##  4:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

My phone beeped a message as I was slipping into my long sleeved shirt and black and orange jersey. Checking it with one hand, I saw a message from Binggrae.

Chilbong-ah,

We're all at the boarding house waiting for your game. Omma sends her love and Coach-nim says he is proud of you. Haitai, Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin say hi.

FIGHTING!!!

Dong Joon and Jin Yi

I held back a chuckle but allowed myself a small smile. Ever since he had gotten engaged, Bing had been signing everything with his and his fiancée's name. Though I never met her, I already approved. Since being with her, my cousin was happier and more confident. Plus it never hurts to add another member to our small family. I looked at the clock. Thirty minutes to game time.

Trying to calm my mind, I did my stretches and meditated. Adrenaline pumped in my veins as I waited for the team manager to do his pre-game huddle. Looking around me, I saw all my teammates also involved in their own routines. There was silence in the locker room, all of us caught up in our own thoughts. Some people call this the calm before the storm, with the air so thick with tension I can cut a knife through it. Manager Baker exited his office and called us all for a few words before the game.

Once he had finished speaking to all of us, my heart started a familiar intense rhythm. Every game it's the same feeling, although never more strongly as now. I felt the tension on my shoulders as I silenced my surroundings. As had become my pre-game ritual, I closed my eyes and saw Na Jeong's face as she watched me kiss her in the snow. This is the only time I ever allow myself the luxury of thinking about her. She is always on the fringes of my thoughts, but always unbidden, never welcomed, except these two minutes. Only two minutes on game day. The memory of the woman I love looking at me like she might love me back.

This is what I do before a game. There will be other rituals, too, but I will do those once standing on the mound. But this... this was private. This... was just for me.

I took a deep breath, filed in line with the rest of my team, and waited for my name to be called. It's time for me to do what I was meant to do.

## Pacific Bell Park

##  San Francisco, California

##  October 4, 2000

##  4:30 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

Standing in the bleachers, the crowd began its deafening noise as the players started getting called into the stadium. My heart responded, the pounding echoing the excitement in the air. Around me, people were dressed in various shades of orange, gold, cream and black, the signature colours of the Giants, as well as Sedona red, black and sand, the colours of the Arizona Diamondbacks, their opposing team. Everywhere I looked there were banners for Joon's team and their rivals'. For one moment I was overwhelmed by the sheer size and capacity of this baseball stadium. We are definitely far far away from Yonsei University.

My heart in my throat, I listened to the announcer as he finished calling all the Diamondbacks players to the field. The home crowd knew that it's their players' turn and started screaming their words of encouragement. A cheer erupted after each name and I waited to hear their reaction when Joon's name was called out.

"... And now #9 Scott Servais, #33 Doug Mirabelli..."

I watched as the catchers ran onto the mound, craning my neck to see if I can tell who will be coming next.

"Let's give a round of applause for #61 Livan Hernandez and your opening pitcher, #77 Kim... Jae... Joon!"

Everyone around me stood up, the crowd roaring in excitement. I heard people chanting his name, and as I scanned the crowd I spotted several Koreans who have come to support him. From my seat I can see his face clearly, and I was relieved that I splurged on the ticket to get one as close as I can get to the field. I took out my camera so I can take pictures.

The players scattered and someone sang the American anthem to mark the start of the game. I was distracted by the smells of hotdogs and beer all around me. For a minute I was tempted to buy some beer to help myself relax but thought better of it. I have to be in my right mind tonight. Finally the game was starting, and my breath caught as I watched Joon take his place in the centre of the field. I noted the tension in his body, his face holding only an expression of focus and resolve. I watched as he powdered his hands and grasped the ball. He wiped his feet on the pitcher's mound a couple of times, seemingly unaware that everyone's eyes were on him.

The big screen monitor focused on him, I watched as he tipped his cap three times and tightened his hand on the ball twice. The crowd silenced and waited for his throw. He took his position, and with perfect execution borne out of thousands of hours of practice, threw the ball to the batter.

"STRIKE!"

The screen posted 95mph as his speed and the crowd cheered appreciatively. After that first pitch, he threw ball after ball of perfect pitches, striking out the first hitter. I continued to watch him as he went through the first inning with ease, my heart feeling like it stops every time the ball flew from his arm, his strength and power evident with each throw. By the end of the inning the score was 0-0, and I settled in for the long game ahead.

As we were waiting for the fifth inning, I grabbed a bag of popcorn from the concession stand. When I returned to my seat, I observed the people around me as they chatted and laughed. Wow, I thought, Joon's really in the big leagues now. With nothing to do as I munched on my popcorn, I eavesdropped on the conversation going on in front of me.

"Hey, did JJ call you again?" The voice belonged to a woman who had brown hair, sat directly on the seat in front of mine.

"No... Not yet. I hope he calls though. I thought he was fantastic," her companion, a woman with blonde hair, responded.

Aww, I thought. Women have men problems everywhere. It's good to know I'm not alone. Smiling, I took a sip of my drink before what I heard next snapped me back to attention.

"...You do know my husband can get us access to club seats right? I don't know why you insist on sitting here instead," the brown haired woman continued.

The blonde woman chuckled before responding. "Hey... Why wouldn't I be here? I can see Jae Joon better from this seat. A face and a body like that? It needs to be enjoyed up close." They shared a laugh and I sat dumbfounded.

I can honestly say that I never considered the possibility that he may have started dating again. Hearing about it first-hand felt like a stake through my heart. Though I can't see their faces, the way they were dressed implied sophistication and class. They were both wearing real jewellery and their hair were both elegantly coiffed. I suddenly felt self-conscious about my own, wondering if my long hair, which I had styled in soft waves before I left Korea, was now frizzy. I patted my shirt smooth, and stared at my sneakers. Suddenly feeling insecure, I patted the gloves in my bag and held my charm for a few minutes to make myself feel better. Once my feelings of inadequacy had passed, irritation took over.

Jae Joon? What! That's MY Joon she's talking about... That face and that body? HA! Mine, too. AND I'm his first love! I bet you don't even know anything about him. Like a sullen teenager, I sulked in my seat, not able to believe that he's now got himself a yellow haired girlfriend. Has he kissed her? He better not have... Suddenly picturing his lips pressing against this... Bitch's lips, I had to fight the urge to pull her hair. Is this why you didn't answer my emails? I shook my head in annoyance. Feeling childish, I 'accidentally' dropped my popcorn onto that yellow head. Oopsie. Gasping, she turned around and glared at me.

"What did you just do?" She asked. Her friend stood next to her, also with a look of anger on her face.

"Uhm," I answered. "I no speak English." This is one of those times when I am more than happy to pretend I can't speak or understand English. For a brief minute I wondered if I was going to get in a fight. Looking at her stilettos, I was glad to see I was the one with the appropriate footwear for a physical confrontation. That's alright, I thought. I can take you both.

However, she just fixed me one last irritated look as she started picking popcorn off her hair. Now distracted, I followed her gaze as she watched the players resume their positions. I relaxed back in my seat with a smug smile and continued to watch the game.

Still miffed about the conversation I heard from the yellow haired woman, I tried to put it out of my mind. When the game was at the seventh inning stretch, the crowd began singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame". Though I didn't know all the words the crowd's energy and enthusiasm were infectious and soon I found myself joining in. Joon was playing well, and I am finally, finally in the same vicinity. There is a lot to be excited about.

By the time the final inning started, the Giants were leading 5-2. The gap may seem large but baseball is always so close. You can never tell when the tables will turn. Joon took back the pitching mound after 2 innings off, and he struck out more than half the players. Appa would be glad to know he's gotten significantly better. The strikeout happened quickly and the teams changed sides. One Giants batter hit a homerun and pushed the man on third base home as well. The game ended on a high as Joon's team won 7-2.

The fans rooting for the home team started cheering as the players were hugging in the field. Despite my earlier irritation, I felt a smile on my face as I watched Joon being lifted by his teammates. Just like he did six years ago, he lifted the winning ball in the air and he looked around the stadium and waved to all his fans with a smile on his beautiful face. But unlike six years ago, this time, he didn't look for me. Taken aback by the memory, I felt my heart clench and a lump form in my throat. Don't cry, I told myself. I'm blessed to be here today, blessed to have witnessed this game. Even if he doesn't know, I shared in this moment with him. Hopefully, after tonight, this will just be the first of many things he and I will share together. The thought brought a smile to my face and I sat on my seat, revelling in the feeling of Joon's victory even as the players all disappeared into the dugout.

Soon thereafter, the crowd started dispersing and once free from the group of people swarming the exits, I found myself wandering the stadium in search of the locker rooms. Finally I saw a sign and tried to follow it before a big burly guy wearing a shirt saying Security spotted me. Acknowledging that I must look strange walking around my carry-on luggage, I asked for Kim Jae Joon. He laughed at me in response.

"Lady," he said, "Everyone is looking for Kim. You need to get out of here. Fans aren't allowed in this area."

"I'm not a fan," I insisted. "I'm a friend."

"If I had a dollar every time I heard that, I would be a rich man." Gently he took my arm and led me back towards the exit.

I walked out of the stadium in a daze. It's never been this difficult to see Joon before. In Yonsei, he was just right there. Before a game, after a game... it didn't matter. He was right there, but now... Feeling dejected, I took a cab to the hotel I had booked.

This is not going the way I imagined. Call me naive but I really thought I could just saunter casually to where he is, he'll see my face and fall instantly back in love with me again. Then he and I will walk hand in hand to the restaurant and maybe spend the night exploring the city together. This new development has just ruined the first of my plans.

Arriving in my hotel room I just had enough time to change from the shirt and jeans I was wearing into a simple black sheath dress. Even just changing my clothes I tried to be positive. Putting my feet into black pumps, I left my hair down and put on red lipstick. Chin up, I thought as I checked my face in the mirror one last time. There's still the restaurant. I grabbed my jacket, put on Joon's gloves, took my purse and left my room.

At the hotel entrance, the concierge led me to a cab and I directed him to the restaurant. It's only just hit me now that I am minutes away from possibly seeing Joon up close and I became lightheaded from the anticipation and trepidation. I arrived in front of Chapeau, five minutes ahead of my reservation, giddy with excitement. On a whim, I bought a single red rose from the man selling flowers outside. As I sniffed its petals, I thought that If I'm going to romance Joon, a rose wouldn't be a bad place to start. Not having had a lot of experience dating, I've been reading magazines to get ideas, and one thing is for sure: Roses are supposedly romantic. And anything French too, so what better place for romance than here?

The maître d' welcomed me as soon as I entered the restaurant.

"May I help you?" he courteously asked.

"Yes. I have a reservation for 8:30 pm. My last name is Sung," I replied.

"Ah," he said, looking at the computer. "I see you made a reservation for two. Would you prefer to wait here until the rest of your party arrives or in the dining room?"

"The dining room.... Actually I'm not sure if he'll come since we haven't spoken in almost ten months, but I'm hoping he will because I've missed him a lot..." I stopped speaking as soon as I realized I was babbling, but he merely looked at me with amusement behind his kind brown eyes.

"Ah, for romance then," he replied. "Follow me then, Madam. I will give you a table that's suitable for your purpose." I followed him to a seat in the corner. It was a table set for two, with a candle in the centre of the table. It was private, cosy and perfect. Thanking him I took my jacket off and sat myself down.

When the waitress came for my drink order, I hesitated at first, wanting to wait for Joon, but ended up asking for a glass of wine anyway. My hands were shaking so badly that I spilled a few drops on myself even as I took my first sip. I placed the rose on the table. First on his side. Then on mine. Then between us. As I waited, I started munching the bread they brought me, hoping the food will calm the butterflies in my stomach.

At 8:45 pm the waitress came back and asked if I wanted to order. I shook my head no. Looking at the mirror behind me, I checked my teeth to make sure they were clean. At 9:00 pm she came back and asked again. Again I said no. I wanted to wait until Joon was here. By 9:15 pm I was growing impatient and I had to go to the ladies room to compose myself. After giving myself a little pep talk in the bathroom, I went back to my seat and continued waiting. I looked at my watch and saw that it was now 9:35 pm. With nothing else to do I watched as people came into the restaurant. Friends, couples... It seemed as if they were all here tonight. By 9:45 pm the waitress came back again. I was about to say no again when she spoke.

"Ma'am, the kitchen will stop sending food out in fifteen minutes," she informed me, her tone sympathetic. "You've been waiting a long time, and I would hate to see you leave without eating."

I gave her a small smile and nodded. I opened the menu and picked out the first item on each category. As if understanding that I was only placating her, she took my order down quietly and disappeared back into the kitchen. It's fine, I told myself. There are interviews after games. And he has to get washed up. Plus there's traffic too... Don't forget that. All these thoughts did little to lift up my spirits, but my mind refused to acknowledge the possibility that he might not want to see me and that he might not be coming. I kept my eyes peeled on the door, hoping against all hopes that he would miraculously appear.

When my food arrived, I ate my salad quickly. I was picking on my entree when the door opened. Finally. He's here. My heart in my throat I attempted to put a welcoming smile on my face before I looked up. Excitement turned to disappointment when I realized that it was just two men showing up for their reservation. They were shown to the table next to mine and I couldn't help but overhear their conversation as they sat down and waited for their server.

"What a great game, huh?" One of the men asked. "The Giants are having a great season. I wonder how far they'll make it..."

"I don't know, but with Kim pitching I'm sure they'll do well. They got him for over 2 mil, did you know that?" his companion replied.

"Man... Can you imagine the party they must be having right now? Those players are high rollers."

Like a sharp pin to a balloon, my heart instantly deflated upon hearing that. So that's why he's not here. It's fine. You knew there was a chance he wouldn't be here. Of course he would want to celebrate with his team. That's normal. He's not coming. It's fine. I'm fine. It was too much to expect really. He wouldn't just drop whatever he's doing to meet me. You saw yourself. This is not Yonsei anymore. Joon belongs to another world now. It's fine. Really... It's fine.

Feeling tears burning behind my eyes, I finished my entrée quickly. I called over the server to ask for my check and despite her telling me that I still had dessert to go, I counted out the cash and left a generous tip. Wanting to preserve what little dignity I had left, I stood up and left the restaurant. I hailed a cab and asked to be brought back to the hotel. Feelings of hurt and rejection threatened to overwhelm me but I tamped them down until I can get back to the privacy of my room. I walked through the hotel lobby in shaky steps, straight to the elevator, barely acknowledging the smile that the concierge sent my way.

Closing the door behind me I was slipping out of my shoes when I saw the red light blinking on the phone. Walking over slowly, I hesitated briefly, my hand hovering over the PLAY button. I wondered if it was Joon telling me he can't make it and he's sorry. Not really wanting to hear his voice telling me he didn't want to meet up but unable to quell the curiosity, I pressed it, my heart stopped as I waited for the message to be relayed.

There was silence at first, the tell-tale hesitation that I have come to expect from Joon. But then a few seconds later I heard Omma's voice.

"Na Jeong-ah, it's Omma. Did you arrive safely? Also, do you need someone to pick you up at the airport? Appa may be able to pick you up. Please call me back and let me know."

What was I thinking? I thought as I sat down on the side of the bed. For a second I debated not calling back. I don't really feel like speaking to anyone but I know that Omma will worry. Grudgingly I picked up the phone and dialled home. At the third ring, Omma picked up.

"Omma, it's me."

"Na Jeong-ah, was your flight okay?" She asked, a little breathless, like she ran to the phone.

"Yeah, Omma the flight was fine. What did you tell Appa?"

"I told him you had to go on a business trip." She hesitated before she spoke again. "Na Jeong-ah, did you... Did you see Chilbong?"

"Yes Omma, I saw him... They won their game. He did great." Not wanting to elaborate, I didn't say any more.

"Na Jeong-ah..." Feeling as if she was about to ask more questions I interrupted her.

"Omma, I'm really tired now. I have to sleep some since I'm flying back out tomorrow. I'll call you from the airport and yeah, please tell Appa I need to be picked up Monday morning at the airport. I'll call you with the details in the morning. Bye." I quickly hung up the phone.

Exhausted now, I prepared myself for bed. Changing out of my dress to the shirt I was wearing before and a pair of shorts, I sat down in front of the vanity mirror to remove my makeup. I had dabbed my lipstick off and was rummaging in my bag for my face cleanser when I spotted my reflection. My hair hung limply around my face, and I am wearing a Yonsei University shirt with his name on my back. How stupid. How pathetic. Did I think buying a shirt with his name on it would make him love me again? Tears threatening to spill, I frantically emptied the contents of my bag onto the table. When I still couldn't find what I needed, I felt my emotions finally taking over.

"Where is it? Where the hell is it? I'm sure I had it... Why would I forget to pack it?" With tears flowing freely I started throwing all my things back into my bag. This is ridiculous, I thought, today was supposed to be a magical day, but it's been nothing but a nightmare. All day I've held it in and it took a face cleanser to break me down. If I wasn't so miserable I would laugh at the absurdity of it all.

I looked at myself in the mirror again, my makeup smudged and tears wet on my cheeks.

Are you throwing in the towel at the first sign of difficulty Na Jeong? Is this all you're made of? The little voice inside my head asked. Are you giving him up?

No.

Then wipe your tears. He had to do this for six years.

Finding the strength to stop crying, I quickly dried my tears away. One unfulfilled meeting is a small price to pay if it means I get to be with Joon forever. Standing up, I turned the lamp off. I went under the covers, and watched the city lights from my window. I wondered whether he's looking at them right now too, just like me, and comforted myself with the thought that even though he's not with me, we are both now sleeping under the same sky.

"Good night Joon-ah," I whispered as my eyes succumbed to fatigue and I fell asleep.

## Hyatt Hotel

##  Seoul, Korea

##  November 4, 2000

##  Chilbong

"Yah... Are you sure you want to be singing at the reception?" Misoo asked, tugging on my sleeve. Not wanting to disrupt the ceremony, I leaned my head down to hear her better. "There's a reason you're a professional baseball player, Chilbong."

I gave a low chuckle before addressing her. "Apparently it's Jin Yi noona's favourite song and I'm Binggrae's only cousin, so... I hope I don't mess the song up. Thanks for reminding me. Now I feel nervous." Remembering something, I turned to face her. "In Sung will definitely come, right? Why isn't he here again?"

"He had something to do for Omma. He will definitely be here for the reception," she answered.

"His Omma?"

"No... Mine." I watched as her eyes took on a dreamy expression. "Chilbong-ah, he's such a great guy. I wish I dated him in college now."

"Pshhh... Aren't you getting married next year? Well now you can date him forever." She gave my arm a playful smack and I turned back to the front to watch the proceedings.

I can't believe Dong Joon is getting married today. It seemed just like yesterday that he just moved to Seoul and was so uncertain about his future. And now, he is vowing his life to someone else. It suddenly felt like everyone around me are now married or are about to get married. Time has flown by so fast I didn't know where it went. I was still shaking my head in amazement when I felt someone looking at me.

I scanned the guests around me and they were all focused on the proceedings. I looked at the people across the aisle and there was Na Jeong, her beautiful eyes focused on me. She was in a dress the colour of merlot, her hair, shoulder length the last time I saw her in Yoon Jin's wedding pictures, now long and cascading around her face. She was flanked on one side by Yoon Jin and the other side by Jung Gook. He whispered something in her ear and she gave him an irritated frown. Feeling like the wind has been knocked out of me, I quickly looked away. All of a sudden feeling out of sorts, I swallowed a few times to control my nerves. How does she do it? I thought, frustrated. How is it that with one look she is able to reduce me back to who I was six years ago? Jaw clenched and distracted by my thoughts, I was pulled back into the moment when the wedding officiate spoke.

"Kim Dong Joon and Jin Yi, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss your bride." Dong Joon looked shyly at Jin Yi before placing a gentle peck on her lips. Ever the aggressor, she pulled him in for a deeper kiss as he was pulling away. Everyone started applauding and whistling. Dong Joon took Jin Yi's hand, a little embarrassed, and exited down the aisle with her.

While waiting for our meal to start, I felt like there was a hole being drilled into my head. I didn't need to look up to know who was doing it. I had a feeling she would be mad, but this was ridiculous. Her gaze was direct and intense, like she's trying to get into my mind. With her just staring at me, I felt my hands get clammy in response. I'm embarrassed at how quickly she gets under my skin. This is why I asked to be seated at a different table. If I am like this from a distance, there's no telling how I would be up close. Still though, I couldn't help but sneak discrete peeks at her. If it was possible she looks even more beautiful now than I remembered. Don't remember that, remember the pain instead, the voice in my head said. It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt.

I felt a hand on my back and turned around to see In Sung. Though we have stayed in touch through phone calls and emails, this is the first time I've seen him in almost four years. I stood up and he hugged me tight.

"Chilbong-ah, I missed you, you pretty boy," he said affectionately. "Good to see you're not too good to be hanging out with us." With that he winked at Misoo, who blushed, before sitting himself down on my right side.

"Yah... What is that supposed to mean?" I asked.

He laughed and said, "I'm just playing with you, Major Leaguer. I saw your last game though, is your shoulder okay? You looked a little stiff by the last inning."

"Yeah, I'm good. You know my shoulder still acts up, wife."

Misoo balked at that. "You're going to have to stop calling him that, Chilbong-ah. He'll have another title soon."

I watched as they exchanged googly eyes at each other. This is why I hate weddings sometimes. It just reminds me of how alone I am. I heard Na Jeong's laugh across the way, and not being able to help myself, I found myself looking her way. As if feeling my gaze, her laugh drifted off until she just had a shadow of a smile on her face. A current of electricity passed through me and my heart started racing. Sighing, I was still trying to get a handle on my feelings when Dong Joon appeared at my side.

"Joon-ah, are you ready? It's time for you to sing..." He looked at Misoo and In Sung. "Hey you two... Glad to see you both made it. Thanks for coming." He shook In Sung's hand and touched Misoo's shoulder before walking back to his new wife.

"That's my cue," I said to Misoo and In Sung, and walked to the front of the reception hall, feeling all eyes on my back, but one pair in particular. Why did I agree to do this? I am already regretting my decision to sing. I went to the side and waited for Jin Yi's university friend Choi Yoon to introduce me.

"Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to celebrate this very special day with Dong Joon and Jin Yi. We have a treat for you today, something you might not be expecting. Please welcome the groom's cousin for a very special performance."

I walked over to him and took the microphone as the guests applauded. I took a deep breath and spoke onto the mic, trying not to look at anyone in particular.

"Hello, my name is Kim Jae Joon, and as Choi Yoon mentioned, I'm Dong Joon's cousin. He asked me to sing this song for his new wife, and I had no choice but oblige," I paused and everybody laughed. "Jin Yi noona, Dong Joon loves you a lot, and I wish you two a very happy and prosperous future."

As I stood there, I waited for the opening strain of "To My Bride" to begin. As the song started, I closed my eyes and involuntarily my thoughts turned to Na Jeong. When I opened my eyes I instinctively looked for her. When our eyes met, my voice cracked, and for a minute, I imagined that I was singing this just for her. She was looking at me so intently it felt like my wounds were on the surface for everyone to see. I struggled to finish the rest of the song, but finally it was done and I could breathe again. Jin Yi blew me a kiss and then hugged Dong Joon. Feeling raw and vulnerable, I tried to regain my composure as I walked back to my seat while everyone applauded.

By the time I was seated, I had regained some semblance of control. I kept myself busy by speaking to In Sung and Misoo. The rest of the reception passed by fairly calmly, and I dared not look at Na Jeong again.

After the reception, people started leaving one by one. I was in the middle of sending Misoo and In Sung off when from the corner of my eye, I saw Na Jeong purposefully walking towards me. As she got closer, my heart started hammering in my chest and I looked around for some other place I could be.

"Chilbong-ah, are you even listening?" Misoo asked, looking at me strangely.

"Ahh, yes... I'm good. I heard..." I didn't even get to finish by sentence when I felt a strong grip on my arm.

"Hi, sorry to interrupt, I'm sure you both remember me. I'm Sung Na Jeong... I went to university with you guys too." She smiled warmly at the two of them while keeping a strong vice on me. Turning to me, she glared and whispered, "You and I need to talk." When I didn't respond, she added, "NOW. You can follow me or I can drag you. Your choice." Again, she put a smile back on her face and turned again towards In Sung and Misoo. "So good to see both of you." Narrowing her eyes at me one more time, she lifted her chin and walked off.

When I looked back at them, Misoo had raised her eyebrows and In Sung was laughing. I could do nothing but shrug my shoulders in response.

"I have to go," I said. I started walking in the direction Na Jeong went.

"It appears that way," Misoo responded. "Call us when you have time, we'll go out."

I waved back at them as I exited the room and almost bumped into Na Jeong, who was waiting by the door. Wordlessly she walked into the bridal suite, where there was no one in sight. I was about to ask her what we're doing here when she turned to me and spoke.

"What the hell was that? You were flirting with Misoo the whole wedding!" I heard the anger in her voice and took a step back.

"Not that it's any of your business, but I don't know how you came to that conclusion." I don't know why I even had to explain this. Shaking my head, I can't believe that she sees me for the first time in ten months and those are the first words she chose to say to me.

"You had your head all close to hers and her head was all close to you and she said something and you laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world..." She kept shooting daggers from her eyes, and I realized that have never seen her this mad before at least, not at me.

"Why are we here?" When she merely pinked in response, I turned around and was about to open the double door out of the suite when she ran and blocked the door. Arms splayed on both sides, she stopped me from even taking another step towards the door. "We have nothing to talk about," I said.

"Oh no, Joon-ah, I think you and I have plenty to talk about. We have so much to talk about we're not leaving this room until everything has been discussed."

My heart skipped at her use of my name. I looked at her directly and said, "Fine... Talk."

"Why... Why did you leave like that?" She asked. Her voice, shaking in anger just a few minutes ago, was now soft, as if she was hesitant to hear the answer. She was still so close I can smell her all around me. I can feel her breath on my neck as she spoke and my heart thumping loudly in my chest, I took two steps away from her in an attempt to calm myself down. She dropped her arms from the door and crossed them in front of her. For the first time I saw the shadows under her eyes. When I didn't answer, she continued. "Because I keep thinking about it over and over and I don't understand. I thought you loved spending time with me. I thought we were happy together. I know... I know I've hurt you before. It was never intentional, and I thought we were past that."

I didn't let her finish before I responded. "You didn't just hurt me... You broke my heart," I said quietly. Her face took on an expression of surprise and she looked like she was thinking before she spoke again.

"You mean, five years ago?" She asked, genuine confusion on her face.

"No, ten months ago AND five years ago. You broke my heart twice." Even to my ears my reasoning sounded lame. I don't know why I'm even having this discussion. Didn't I explain all this in my letter?

"Well, technically, I had nothing to do with the second one. You broke your own heart that time," she responded. I watched her as she took off her shoes and started pacing the room. "Humour me one minute while I try to make sense of this in my head. So I broke your heart once." As if sensing that I was about to protest, she modified her statement. "FINE, twice to you. Although for the record, I object to that tally. Just for arguments' sake... I did something to you that broke your heart once and you did something to me that broke my heart once. So that kind of makes us even." She was silent for a few minutes. Then she nodded her head once and looked at me. "Joon-ah, let's try again."

"Na Jeong-ah... I don't really think it's a good idea... We have too much his... Hold on, what? I broke your heart?" Confused now, I tried to go through in my head when I could have possibly broken her heart. "Wait a minute..."

"Yeah... Okay fine, I broke your heart twice. But you hurt me too! And you don't see me holding that against you."

I'm still stuck on my supposedly breaking her heart, and I really could have used a minute to think when she started speaking again.

"If you're going to be petty, I'm actually rating higher on the heartbreak meter right now. Because even if it was true that I broke your heart twice, you've broken my heart a lot more than the once. You broke my heart every day since you've been gone, which totals to 289 days! So that's got to count for a lot more points."

Unable to wrap my head around this conversation, I just went along with what she was saying as she was saying it. "You broke my heart so badly that I had to leave!"

"That's another thing... You don't get points for that... If anything, that subtracts points from you. You were able to leave!"

"How do you figure that? My leaving should count for a thousand points!" Although unsure of why I am even continuing this argument, I still felt the need to defend myself.

"I disagree. You were going to leave anyway. And once you did... You were surrounded by new things and new people and new places. But I... I had to stay here and see everything that reminded me of you. I couldn't walk the streets without thinking 'oh that's where Joon and I ate ddukbokki'... or 'that's where Joon and I played in the snow'. I couldn't get away from you, even in my own house. I saw you everywhere, in everyone, and in everything I touched! And the worst part? The worst part is that you planned it that way! You wanted me to remember you!" Her voice shaking in anger, it was almost as if she surprised herself with what she said. She took a deep breath and paused before proceeding.

"But you... You left... You CHOSE to leave and move on... You chose to be some other place where you didn't have to deal with the memories that continued to follow me. You did that by choice. YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO REMEMBER ME!" When her voice broke at the last sentence, I looked at her and saw that her eyes shone with unshed tears. My heart clenched somewhere inside my chest, and I had to take a few minutes before I responded.

"Na Jeong-ah... Maybe it's true that I wanted to forget. Maybe you're right about everything. Whatever the case may be, I think you just proved why we can't try again." I focused on the floor, unable to look at her.

"Why? Because we've hurt each other before? It doesn't matter to me how much you've hurt me but obviously it matters to you. I'm not standing here gloating that I'm in pain. To me it's all relative. Pain is pain, no matter how much or how little. But you've forgotten something. Love is also love. Just because you fell in love with me twice and I fell in love with you just once doesn't mean I love you less."

My head snapped back up. She was looking out the window with a thoughtful look on her face. "You're... In love with me?" I croaked. I cleared my throat and attempted to speak but no words would come out. Na Jeong... Loves me? She's in love with me? My brain not quite believing my ears, my heart struggled to comprehend what she just said.

"You know I actually thought that the first time I tell you I love you that it was going to be a romantic moment." She turned to me with a smile on her face. "Joon-ah, we should start over... I haven't given up on you."

The way I'm feeling now just confirmed to me why I should stay the hell away from her. I am normally a calm, logical and sensible human being, but she makes me feel like the rug has been pulled underneath me ALL THE TIME. Around her, I become illogical and confused, running on emotions alone and not thinking anything through. Hardening my resolve I stood up and looked her in the eyes. "But I've given up on you. Feelings change. Mine have."

Na Jeong met my gaze directly but didn't back down. "Funny... Your mouth is saying one thing but your eyes are saying something else. But for now I will accept your answer." She walked towards the door, picking up her shoes along the way, then turned around again. "I'll give you this round, but we're nowhere near done. Wasn't it you who said 'it ain't over 'til it's over'? And this, whatever it is, is not over. I've seen the way you look at me... And we are definitely far from over." She gave me a resolute smile and walked out, closing the door gently behind her.

I ran my hand through my hair and sat back down. I feel like I've just been run over by a train and now I've been left for dead. Na Jeong has always been outspoken, but this... This is crazy. I don't know what happened since I've been gone, but this Na Jeong is a completely different species of woman. My head pounding, I stayed sitting by myself in that room even after everyone has left the wedding reception, still wondering what in the world just took place.

## Sincheon Boarding House

##  November 5, 2000

##  9:30 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

I woke up the next morning with a smile on my face. Good morning, Joon-ah, I said in my mind, just as I have for the last seven months. I stretched on my bed for a minute before I grabbed my laptop and prepared to send Joon my daily email message. Thinking of what to say, I thought back on yesterday.

Joon... Was even more handsome than I remembered. When I first spotted him, he was standing in the reception room speaking to Haitai and Ae Jung. I hid behind one of the flower arrangements just so he didn't see me and I could look at him to my heart's content. Looking like he's gained some muscle, he filled out his tuxedo the way any man should. Wide shoulders led to long arms, broad chest tapering to lean hips and those long long legs. Secretly looking at him made me felt like a sixteen year old girl with my first crush, except I know what those lips feel like on mine, how those arms feel wrapped around me and how his chest feels pressed against mine. I watched with a mixture of pride and envy as he spoke animatedly with them.

When I found out he wasn't sitting at my table but at the one opposite, I felt deflated for one second. But ever the optimist, I felt giddy that I had a chance to stare at him subtly. I was perfectly happy just looking at him... At least until Misoo came.

I remembered her from his university days as the tomboyish manager of his team. This Misoo looked nothing like a tomboy. Her hair up, she wore a dress the colour of the sea. When he hugged her welcomingly I almost choked on my drink.

Yah, I had thought, is someone dying? Why does he have to hug her so tightly?

Whenever I saw his head come close to hers I resisted the instinct to walk over to them and break them apart. I felt myself getting upset every time I saw him laugh at something she said, until I was just flat out angry. Don't smile at her like that, I wanted to yell. That smile is just for me!

I hadn't even realized that I was glaring until Oppa pointed it out. He told me to stop trying to kill Joon and Misoo with my eyes. Thank goodness In Sung came. At least someone else was there and the two of them didn't look quite as cosy.

There were times, though, when I caught him looking at me when he thought I wasn't looking, and I couldn't help but react in awareness. He always knew how to reduce me to a puddle of goo. And whenever our eyes met, my heart started beating so fast I thought I was going to pass out. Especially when he was singing.

Liar, I had thought, I clearly remember that you said you can't sing.

His voice clear and strong, he sang with so much emotion it brought tears to my eyes. And when he opened his eyes and looked at me, and for a brief second I felt like he was singing it to me. But then the song ended, and the moment was gone. He went back to his seat and didn't look at me the rest of the reception.

Seeing him again, just being in the same room as him, made me feel like I was on a high. I was perfectly fine to leave the situation the way it was until I saw the three of them talking in the main foyer and Misoo casually resting her hand on Joon's arm. The whole time. Well, maybe not the whole time but it certainly looked like it. I had to compose myself before even approaching him. My feelings were all in a jumble, and I didn't want to scare him. I wanted to appear cool and confident. The look on his face was absolutely priceless... He looked like a deer caught in the headlights. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but standing there. He looked panicked. That's definitely something I can work with.

I certainly never thought that the next time we would find ourselves alone together it would be under those circumstances. When I asked him to try again and he didn't answer right away, I got my confirmation that this was going to be more difficult than I initially thought. Joon looked the same, but he was harder, more in control of his feelings. The transparency of emotion on his face was gone. I couldn't gauge what he was feeling whenever I looked at him. I would rather that he raised his voice. I would have preferred if he started tearing up. But he did neither.

He had sat there all calm and composed, as if he was bored with the conversation. Even while telling me something serious like my supposedly breaking his heart twice his expression stayed the same, like he was just stating a fact or a statistic. The calmer he stayed, the more agitated I became.

Still, I was convinced that the second I told him I loved him that all his bravado will crumble and we would be able to sit and talk it out. However, seemingly after his initial shock, he just carried on with his conversation like I didn't just tell him the most important thing. I admit that I might have come on a little strong, but can anyone blame me? I felt like I had to overcompensate for his lack of emotion by running full speed with mine. Judging from the way the whole conversation had gone, I already knew he was going to stay adamant about not wanting to try again. It's not over till it's over, indeed.

Not wanting to forget my email, I looked back to my laptop and quickly typed my message.

DATE: November 5, 2000

TIME: 7:30 p.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

Joon-ah,

The weather forecast said it will be cold today. I still have your gloves. Don't you think you need them? I think you should come over and get them.

Yours always,

Na Jeong

I don't really feel like giving up his gloves, but he probably won't respond anyway. I've come to expect this. He never has before. And judging from last night, he might never will. He's made no mention of the emails and I thought it best not to ask. Not yet anyway. He's home now and I have plenty of time. I'm not giving up. He's got another thing coming if he even thought for one minute that I would just agree to whatever he decides and happily move on like he had. If anything he just made me feel more determined to get to the bottom of this and finally win his heart. I'm ready to do whatever it takes, but as I sit here thinking I realized that I might need some help. The good thing is that I knew just where to get it.

I picked up my phone and quickly dialled a number. I heard his voice on the other line, and nervous, I took a deep breath before speaking.

"Hi Binggrae? It's Na Jeong. I didn't wake you, right?" I listened to his response before I proceeded. "Are you busy tomorrow?... Why?... I think it's time for you and I to have our talk."

## Incheon International Airport

##  November 10, 2000

##  2:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

I pulled my cap low on my face as Jung Jin Hyung led me out through the arrivals gate. Thankfully, there were only a handful of reporters there and I was able to get to the car without much trouble.

Finally seated, I stretched my legs in front of me and stifled a yawn. I had stayed busy since I came home after our season had ended. Between press conferences, filming of CFs and invitations for interviews it felt like I haven't had any time for myself. I haven't even had time to think since Bing's wedding.

Bing's wedding... What a disaster. Suddenly I remembered Na Jeong standing in front of me telling me the words that I would have given an arm and leg to hear five years, even ten months ago. She spoke of me breaking her heart and being in love... With me. Even five days later, I still can't wrap my mind around it. I know she believes it, I heard it in her voice. But I have a hard time believing that all this has happened just since I left. My heart pounded hopefully inside my chest and not knowing how to handle that situation right now, I tried to push her out of my head.

I turned my phone back on to see several text messages from my mother. I was out of the country for ten months with barely any word from her... Now I've only been out of Seoul for four days and she goes crazy with the texts. Shaking my head I quickly scanned them but didn't read completely. From what little I did read, I was able to gather that some fans have been harassing her again. I sighed to myself. This has been happening since Japan so I don't even know what the big deal is anymore. No doubt the rest of the messages are to encourage me to find another profession. I'm sure that she is still holding out hope that I will change my mind and decide to become a doctor or a lawyer. It seemed that no matter how successful I became, in my mother's eyes I am still just playing a little boy's game. No matter how hard I work or how good I become, she is the one person that keeps telling me that my glory days are numbered and that my success, along with the other things that came with it, will fade once I can no longer play baseball. I was tempted to turn my phone off again and avoid her messages when it beeped in my hand. Irritated, I hesitated to read the message until I saw Samcheonpo's name as the sender. Pleasantly surprised, I opened the text.

Chilbong-ah, are you busy tonight? Come have dinner at our place. Yoon Jin is cooking. Samcheonpo.

I thought about my empty refrigerator at home and all the takeout meals I've been having recently and with no hesitation, texted back that I will be over around 7 pm. I barely saw either of them at Bing's wedding and I am looking forward to catching up. Thinking about dinner I felt my stomach rumble. The flight from Jeju had been so short they only served us drinks. With nothing to eat at home, I asked my manager to take me somewhere to eat.

"What do you want? Ddukbokki?" he asked, not looking back at me.

"No, Hyung... Anything but that."

"I thought you loved it?" He said, sounding genuinely puzzled. "You talked about it so much when you were in America and now that you're home you don't want it."

"Hyung, it's okay. I'll just pick something up later."

At the mention of ddukbokki, my thoughts automatically turned to Na Jeong. She was right to accuse me of running away from our memories. Unfortunately for me, I may not have wanted to remember her, but my heart rebelled against that on a daily basis. Every day I fought not to remember. Even now I still fight not to.

The car stopping, I looked around and saw that we've stopped in front of my apartment building. Turning to me, Hyung spoke.

"Don't forget... You promised KBS an interview as soon as you settled back home. I asked them to send you their schedule. Let me know what day is good for you," he reminded me.

"Yeah, I got it." Gathering my belongings I said my goodbyes and exited the car. I took the elevator and walked straight to my apartment, where I quickly showered and attempted to watch television. Yawning again, I realized that I've barely gotten any sleep since I saw Na Jeong again. I made my way to the bedroom and laid down to take a nap before dinner.

## November 10, 2000

##  6:30 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

I was helping Yoon Jin with the dishes while Samcheonpo was watching television when she turned to look at me.

"I can't believe you invited yourself to dinner," she said, shaking her head. "Have you made any progress?"

I shook my head sadly. "No... And the problem is.. She won't even see me! Every day for the past four days, I've waited outside her class and she hasn't even spared me a glance."

"But... Na Jeong-ah, how do you even know that it's her?" She asked as she pulled plates and bowls from the cupboard. I picked up a carrot from the cutting board and was about to bite into it when she smacked my hand. "You've never met her or seen a picture, right?"

"No, but Binggrae brought me there the first day." I brought the utensils and place mats to the table before turning around to see Yoon Jin leaning her back against the sink.

"Well, that's something at least." She crossed her arms over her chest. "But how do you know that he brought you to the right place? Things haven't been the same with you two since Chilbong left."

"Yah," I said, walking to her side then bumping my shoulder with hers. "We finally talked about it. Everything's okay."

Six days before...

"Na Jeong-ah, why are you here?" Binggrae asked, looking at me closely.

"Omma wanted me to bring you lunch... And I wanted to talk to you."

"Didn't we decide to meet up after I got back from our trip?"

"Yeah... But I don't have much time. I needed to speak to you as soon as possible. You said earlier you were working today, so...

Sighing, he asked, "About what, Na Jeong-ah?"

"Joon."

"I was afraid of that." He sat down on the bench outside the hospital.

"I need your help... I want him back." I sat down next to him.

"Na Jeong-ah... It's not that simple." He looked as if he didn't know if he should say any more. "You have to understand something. My cousin... Is someone who takes his time thinking things through when making a decision, but once it's been made, it would take nearly a miracle to make him waver. Because he's not just someone who makes a choice in one moment... He's someone who bases all his actions thereafter with the purpose of making the choice he made the right one, even if it's not. I mean, he decided to be a baseball player when he was still young. Even when people kept telling him he'll never make it as a professional, he just pushed and pushed no matter what. He did everything in his power to make it happen. It was annoying as a kid... Having a cousin like that." At the memory he chuckled. "But my point is this. Chilbong may still love you, but the difference is that now, he doesn't want to... And everything he's going to do from this day forward will be for the purpose of making sure that one day, he won't love you anymore."

"I deserve another chance," I answered. "If he would just let me... I can show him how much I love him. But I would need to be close enough to him to do that."

He didn't meet my eyes as he spoke again. "Listen... I have no doubt that you love him. I saw you after he left. I don't have to be a genius to know that if losing something hurts that much that it can't be anything but love. And I know you well enough to know that you'll try really hard. You're not the type to go halfway," he paused, hesitant to say what he's about to next. "Na Jeong-ah, you're my friend and I do care about you. But a big part of me wishes you would just leave him alone."

Shocked, I backed away farther from him on the bench. "Dong Joon-ah..."

"I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. Like I said, I know you've had it hard too. But, I watched him at your door, listening to you as you cried. He doesn't even know this, but I saw his face when you called for Jung Gook Hyung. I was the one who took him to the airport. Chilbong, who never showed any pain no matter how much it hurt, who always cried behind closed doors... I had to watch him cry as we drove away from the house. I listened to him sobbing, unable to do anything to comfort him. As much as I hate to say this, if you two don't work out, I can't be friends with you anymore. You're lucky... You have a great family and great friends who will always be there. I also have a good family and a little brother too. But Chilbong... He only has me."

"Dong Joon-ah... You know I don't make promises lightly. But I promise you... That I will love Joon for the rest of my life. I can't guarantee that I won't hurt him sometimes, but I can assure you that it will never be intentionally and that I will stay and love him through that too. You will never have to be the only one watching his back anymore."

For a few minutes he didn't say a word. When he looked at me, he said, "I think I'll let Chilbong make his own decision, but I won't stand in your way." After clearing his throat, he asked, "Now, what do you need help with?"

The next day, Binggrae and I found ourselves standing in front of a university.

"Na Jeong-ah... Are you sure about this?" When I nodded, he continued. "Well if you're sure about it, good luck then."

"Yah... I know Joon and I don't need luck. I can handle him."

"I wasn't talking about Joon. I was talking about his mother."

The doorbell ringing snapped me out of my reverie. As Joon's face showed up on the monitor, I tried to assume as casual a pose as I can think of on the sofa. Yoon Jin walked to the door to let him in and Samcheonpo looked at me with a frown on his face.

"Na Jeong-ah... It's only Chilbong. Why are you sitting like that?" I was about to get up and smack him when I heard Joon enter the apartment.

After what seemed like forever, Yoon Jin went straight to the kitchen as Joon followed her to the living room. Wearing a white dress shirt and black slacks, his coat slung over his arm, he stopped where he stood as soon as he saw me.

"Oh yeah, Chilbong-ah, we forgot to mention that Na Jeong was coming too." Yoon Jin said from the kitchen.

Fixing a smile on my face, I looked at him and said, "Hello, Kim Jae Joon."

## November 10, 2000

##  7:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

Her eyes looked like dew kissed leaves. This was the first thought in my head as she stood in front of me and met my eyes confidently. She was wearing a green flowy blouse, tucked casually into a pair of jeans that hugged her hips like skin. Her hair was pulled halfway up, exposing the long column of her neck. Unadorned except for a pair of earrings, she has never looked better.

"Oh yeah, Chilbong-ah, we forgot to mention that Na Jeong was coming too." I heard Yoon Jin call out from the kitchen.

"Hello, Kim Jae Joon," Na Jeong finally said. Her mouth broke into a smile and afraid Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin were watching, I gave her an uneasy smile in return.

"Yah, no need for formalities here, we're all friends," Samcheonpo said as he stood up and greeted me. "You both don't need to be standing there like you're about to have a shootout... This is not the Wild West. Sit down, sit down..." He took me by the arm as he led me to one end of the couch and Na Jeong followed and sat herself down at the other end. Even with about two feet between us, I still felt like she was way too close and I moved myself to the absolute end of the sofa. As if seeing what I was doing, she merely watched me with amusement in her eyes.

"Joon-ah..." She said. I looked at her and she looked like she was about to start laughing. "Why are you sitting all the way over there? I won't bite you." She scooted towards me and then put her hand to her mouth as if whispering. "Not unless you want me to."

I felt my face blush. Thankfully Yoon Jin called us to the table before I could respond. Na Jeong makes me nervous. I never know what's going to come out of her mouth. I hate that part of me is still so weak when it came to her. She's always been a mystery to me, but with her newfound confidence she's even more of a puzzle.

I had dreaded the possible awkwardness of dinner, but fortunately, Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin kept the topics neutral enough that there were no uncomfortable silences. Taking a bite of rice I watched with concern as Na Jeong took another shot of soju. Sitting next to her, I couldn't help but react to her presence. I only hope that she doesn't notice that I kept looking over at her all throughout our meal. I felt her eyes on me a few times, listening as I spoke or watching me eat. I felt prickles of awareness when her gaze looked me over and I had to concentrate to keep myself from staring right back.

After dinner we all sat around the living room, talking about their wedding and honeymoon. Suddenly Yoon Jin stood up and grabbed a videotape from the shelf.

"Chilbong-ah, should we watch? Binggrae recorded it for us." I smiled and nodded. I hated that I missed one of the most important moments of my friends' lives. "We haven't seen this yet either. He just dropped it off yesterday."

Sitting back down next to Na Jeong, she pressed the play button on the remote control. The first scene is the same as was in the pictures that she had given me. Yoon Jin stood in the middle of the room, a shy smile on her face, looking at herself in the mirror with tears in her eyes. Na Jeong stood behind her fixing her veil. I heard Bing's voice in the background asking Na Jeong for some words before the wedding. She turned to the camera and gave a big smile.

"Yah Binggrae you can erase this part if I make a mistake right? Anyway, Yoon Jin-ah, you still have time to change your mind. I'll take you away from here if you want... I'm just teasing you. Seriously now, Yoon Jin-ah, I am so happy for you. You didn't get to marry Seo Taiji Oppa, but you're marrying someone even better. You're marrying a man who loves you so much he would do anything for you. Dreams don't always come true the way we imagined right?"

I looked over at Yoon Jin and saw that she was tearing up, and Na Jeong affectionately put her arm around her. I know they have always been close, but now they seemed more like sisters than best friends. I watched as Na Jeong warmly patted Yoon Jin's back and didn't realize that Samcheonpo was looking at me. I turned my gaze self-consciously and continued watching the video.

I watched as Yoon Jin walked down the aisle with the biggest smile on her face and had to chuckle when Samcheonpo started crying as he watched her. I listened as they said their vows and they were finally pronounced as married. Next to me Samcheonpo was looking at his wife lovingly, and I looked up to see Na Jeong staring at me. My heart suddenly racing, I excused myself to go to the restroom just to get away. In the bathroom I told myself to get a grip.

I took my time in getting my composure back. You're not 19 years old anymore and it's not 1994, I reminded myself. You've come a very long way. Sung Na Jeong may still make your heart race, but it doesn't mean you need to freak out every time you're around her. You share the same friends, so you'll have to figure out how to make this work. I took a deep breath and washed my face.

When I came back out, Samcheonpo was gone. "Yoon Jin-ah... Where did Samcheonpo go?" She and Na Jeong were in the kitchen putting dishes away.

"Oh... I just realized that we didn't have any more trash bags so he ran out to the store and get some," she said. "I didn't know if you wanted something else to drink but I put a cup of coffee on the table... Help yourself to some milk and sugar over here if you need it. Feel free to turn off the video if you want. The remote control is also on the table."

I made my way back to the couch and sat down. I was just reaching for the remote control when I heard Haitai speak.

"HELLO..." Haitai said. "YOU ALL... Ahem, You all saw me earlier at the wedding, but in case we haven't been introduced, my name is Son Ho Jun. I have been Sung Kyun's roommate and best friend for the past five... No, six years. You might want to knock off a few months off that number though because we couldn't stand each other when we first met," He looked at Samcheonpo and gave him the 'V' sign. I heard everyone laugh. "Anyway, I've known Yoon Jin for just as long. I was there when they first fell in love and to see them getting married now just reminds me how old we are getting." He cleared his throat. "We have another close friend from Yonsei University, who unfortunately today couldn't be here due to professional reasons, but he did however send a special message to the groom and his bride. Can someone dim the lights, please?"

I remained standing and watched as my image came onto the screen behind Haitai.

"Yah... I bet you never expected to see me like this, right? I don't really feel comfortable wearing this either, but since I can't be there in person, I'm trying to be there in spirit instead. So I decided to dress up just for you. Oh I forgot... I'm not supposed to start a formal wedding speech like that, right? Hyung, can we start over?" Hyung said no and I heard the audience laugh. "No? Ahhh... okay..."

I had to shake my head at my own speech. Thank God that of all of us, only Haitai still needed to get married, and I hope he doesn't ask me to speak or sing at his wedding. I am so uncomfortable doing anything else in front of a crowd besides baseball.

Not really wanting to watch me make a fool of myself even more, I was about to press the stop button when the camera panned over to the table where everyone was sitting. It scanned the faces on the table and I grinned when I saw Ae Jung smile and Jin Yi noona hold her hands to make a heart to the camera. Finally it turned to Na Jeong. She didn't even realize that the camera was on her she was too focused on the screen.

I looked quickly at the two of them in the kitchen and saw that they were both talking quietly while they did the dishes. My eyes brought me back to the television screen and I could hear my voice delivering my speech, but the camera stayed on Na Jeong. She had a small smile on her face, and I was taken aback by the look of tenderness in her eyes. The whole time I spoke, she never took her eyes off me. By the time I was done with my speech and the lights turned back on, the camera still stayed on her. Her beautiful face frozen with grief, she had tears running down her eyes. While the audience applauded and people raised their glasses for a toast, I watched her shakily stand up. Looking like she might fall down, she supported herself with one hand on the table. She looked unfocused and bewildered as she practically ran to the door with her hand over her mouth. The camera panned back to Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo happily sitting together at their table, and soon the footage was over.

I took a step back and had to sit down. Shock is a serious understatement to describe how I'm feeling right now. When I left, I thought only of myself and really didn't believe she would be that affected. I thought for sure that she might be upset for a couple of days, but that she would get over it quickly enough. Seeing her fall apart during the wedding, my heart ached. I looked over to where she stood and watched as she dried the dishes by the table, wishing I was brave enough to sweep away the lock of hair that has fallen over her face. Yoon Jin said something to her and she laughed, her happy expression a far cry from what I just witnessed. Was this what she meant when she said I broke her heart? Wanting nothing more than to put my arms around her and beg for forgiveness, I resolutely kept my arms to my side and tried to keep my emotions in check.

Feeling like I was being suffocated, I stood up and was about to tell Yoon Jin that I had to go when Samcheonpo walked back into the apartment.

"Yeobo, I have the stuff you asked for," he said, handing Yoon Jin a bag. He turned to me and noting my coat in my hands, asked, "Chilbong-ah, are you about to leave?"

"Yeah... I was thinking about it. I still have to train in the morning and it's almost midnight now," I replied.

"Oh," Yoon Jin said, her expression brightening. "Good, Na Jeong can use the ride home." I looked at Na Jeong who was studiously looking at everywhere else but me. "It's really late now, and surely we can't send her home alone on a bus when you have your car?" Yoon Jin pointedly asked me.

"Na Jeong-ah, don't you have your license?" Samcheonpo asked.

"Yeobo, you know she doesn't drive alone." Yoon Jin answered.

I would love nothing more than to bolt from that apartment as quickly as possible, but I know I would never forgive myself if something happened to Na Jeong because I can't handle a twenty minute car ride with her. Knowing that I might live to regret this decision, I looked at Na Jeong.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked her.

She quickly grabbed her coat and walked over to me. "Yoon Jin-ah, I'll call you tomorrow. Samcheonpo, thanks for dinner. We're leaving." She grabbed my arm and pushed me out the door.

Once out of the apartment, we walked more slowly to the parking lot. She stayed quiet, and lost in my own thoughts, I had nothing to say either. I opened the car door for her and she sat inside and said her thanks. I made my way to the driver's seat and pushed my key into the ignition. I was slowly pulling out of the parking space when she spoke.

"Joon-ah... Do you remember the last time you drove me somewhere?" she asked.

Of course I do... That was the night you saw Jung Gook again. "Barely," I answered.

"You did a great job singing at Bing's wedding. The guests couldn't stop talking about it. I was going to tell them you're good at a lot of things, but I didn't think you'd want them to know all those things about you." She paused, her eyes looking out the window. "You were a really good dancer too."

At the mention of that, I was transported back to the night before I left. I've replayed that day so many times in my head it's imprinted into my memory. Waking Na Jeong up with kisses, playing with her in the snow, making ramyun together, slow dancing in the dark, kissing her while the snow drifted all around us... I see those scenes all the time in my head. My still bruised heart beat painfully in my chest, and I had to clear my throat before speaking. "Na Jeong-ah..."

"You know that when I asked you to try again with me, I already knew you didn't love me anymore?" She asked with a sad smile on her face.

"What? What do you mean by that?"

"Joon-ah, I am a fairly level headed person even though at times my emotions get the better of me. I wrote down all the things you've done or in this case, hadn't done since you left, just so I could come to a sensible conclusion about how you felt for me." She paused before proceeding. "You never called."

"I was busy..." I stammered.

"So busy that you were able to call my parents every Friday while I was at work?" I stopped at the stoplight and looked at her. She was still looking out the window.

"Ahhh... About that..."

"You never ask about me from our friends..."

"Saying your name was too..."

"You never visited the house since you've been back."

"I just got home a week ago and I've had a lot of appointments!"

"I understand," she said resignedly. "So yeah, I know you don't love me anymore. But... You fell in love with me twice before, and there's no reason why you can't fall in love with me again." I was just pulling up in front of the boarding house when I heard her words and I stepped my foot onto the brakes in surprise.

"Hold on a minute..." I started, feeling defensive but not knowing why. Turning to her I said, "How can you say I don't love you? I laid everything out for you on my letter. I told you every..."

"Joon-ah, why are you getting so upset?" She interrupted. "I didn't say you never loved me, just that you don't anymore. It's really quite obvious... You haven't done anything that would show me since you came back that you still had any feelings for me. I completely understand. I don't even..."

Pushed by frustration and repressed anger, I leaned over and pressed a hard kiss onto her mouth. I only meant to shut her up and to make her stop listing reasons of how she came to the very reasonable conclusion that I couldn't possibly love her anymore. I meant to teach her a lesson, to not push me, because I've been a mess since I've been home and it's all because of her. Her lips stayed unyielding, even as I felt her heart race against my chest.

## November 11, 2000

##  12:30 am

##  Na Jeong

I felt the anger and frustration practically seeping off Joon. His mouth pressed insistently on mine, I refused to take part in this joke of a kiss. I know he's upset, and I might have goaded him a little too hard, but I am not going to apologize for verbalizing the things that need to be said. God knows he wouldn't do it. I knew he was going to kiss me when I saw the glint in his eyes. He knew that I loved it when he kissed me. Maybe he thought I would lose my head. Na Jeong from ten months ago might have, but not me. He's using my weakness against me and I don't like it. I pushed him away and he refused to look at me. We stayed like that for a few minutes, me looking at him and him not meeting my eyes. I was reaching for the door handle when he finally spoke.

"Don't misunderstand," he said. "I was just trying to shut you up."

"Joon-ah... You're the one who misunderstood. So let me make it clear... I love you, but I'm not going to take your shit." Hearing this, he finally turned to look at me. "You may not love me, but I love you. Don't be pressing anything of yours against me and then ask me not to misunderstand. My brain may comprehend, but my heart won't."

"Stop saying that. You can't love me. I don't love you anymore," he said, as if by saying it he might miraculously make my love for him go away.

I had to stop myself from laughing bitterly and told myself to calm down before speaking again. "You seem to be under the impression that I'm asking for your permission to love you. I hate to tell you this, but I need no one's permission, not even yours. I've known that I loved you months ago... I've been doing it on my own without your knowledge or your consent." I looked out the window. "It's my heart, to do with as I please. I can give it and take it back. I can even break it myself if I so choose, just like you did. Why are you so worried? It's not like you still love me, right?"

When he didn't speak again, I picked up my bag and prepared to exit the car. I took one more look at him, his handsome face expressionless. I would think that he remained unaffected, but the way he gripped the steering wheel in his hands said otherwise. "Joon-ah..." I said, a little more gently this time, "Don't ever use your lips against me in anger again. I love you too much to have that as a memory." I opened the car door and stepped out. Before closing the door I addressed him one more time. "I hope you're not avoiding seeing Omma and Appa because you don't want to see me. You know when I work... I'm sure they would love to see you. They've really missed you. Just like I... We all have."

With that I shut the door close and walked through the gate. I didn't even allow myself to look behind me though I was dying to. Thankfully everyone was already asleep by the time I got home. I went straight to my room and changed my clothes. I cleaned my face and brushed my teeth. Just before I went to bed, I finally permitted myself to look out the window. My heart thumped painfully inside me when I saw that Joon's car was still in front of the house.

## Seoul National University

##  November 13, 2000

##  11:30 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

As I have done all of last week, I walked the halls of Seoul National University on my lunch hour from work. I stopped outside of a classroom and looked at the clock. 11:30 a.m. I got here just in time. For the past six days, I made the mistake of coming here after her class ended. As soon as I mentioned Joon's name she just looked me up and down and walked away. So, after a little reconnaissance, I found out that she stays in the classroom during breaks. In five minutes, her students will disperse and I can definitely catch her then.

I waited patiently behind the door. I haven't seen Joon or heard from him at all since Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo's dinner. Maybe he and I both need time to regroup. I don't know anymore. Sometimes I question the logic of my plan and whether he is worth it, but then I remember the way we were and I realize the answer will always the same. Yes, always, yes.

The doors opened and students started filing out. I waited until they had all walked off until I peeked into the small window to make sure the room was empty but for her. I took a deep breath and walked through the door. I quietly made my way towards her until I was standing right in front of her desk. I waited until she realized I was there, but she didn't so much as look up.

Feeling incredibly nervous, I cleared my throat. "He... Hello Professor Park, my name is Sung Na Jeong and I'm a friend of Jae Joon's. I wondered if I could speak to you for a minute."

She stayed silent for so long that I wondered for a minute if she had heard me. I was about to repeat myself when she lifted her eyes to me. I had to consciously stop my mouth from opening. Joon's mother is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in my life. Her dark brown hair was up in a classy chignon, emphasizing her high cheekbones and smooth skin. She looked like a female version of Joon, except when I looked into her eyes, which were almost identical to his, I detected no warmth at all and her lips were set in a stiff line, with none of his easy humour coming through. She narrowed her gaze at me and I suddenly felt like I was being dissected from the inside out. I nervously smoothed my long hair and straightened my posture. It felt unnerving being studied this way.

"What did you say your name was again?" She finally asked.

"Sung Na Jeong, Professor... I went to Yonsei University with Joo...Jae Joon."

"That's funny," she said, putting her pen down. "Because my son has never mentioned your name." I could swear she was trying to scare me but I won't be intimidated.

"Regardless of whether Jae Joon has mentioned me, I've known him for six years. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have a favour to ask of you."

She raised one of her eyebrows at that. "Is that right? Tell me, Ms. Sung, what can I do for you? Now, before you answer, let me remind you that I am the mother of a son who lives in the public eye. Do you know how many women have come to talk to me to get to my son? I stopped counting at 100. Do you know how many mothers have showed up here trying to get a matchmaking date with Jae Joon? Just as many. So if you're here to ask for his autograph, his phone number or his address, or even his email address, I'm afraid I can't help you." She looked back down to her notes.

At her patronizing tone I felt my temper flaring. Calm down, I told myself silently. Trying to adopt what could possibly have been the most neutral look on my face that I can muster, I had to take a breath before I spoke again. "Actually, no. I know he's come back, in fact I've seen him. But with him just having returned from America, I thought it might be nice for him to have something to eat that he loves. I seem to recall him saying in the past that your radish kimchi was his favourite. So I'm here to see if there was any possibility in you sharing your recipe... With me." I watched as surprise flitted over her face. But just as quickly it was there, it was gone and she again wore the look of bored detachment.

"Well... That's different. I have to give you credit for that. I'm not sure how you found out what my son's favourite food is, but I suppose with the prevalence of the Internet, you can find out anything about anyone. People are so dedicated these days," she paused and looked away, as if hesitant to continue. "To be perfectly honest, Joon being in the limelight feels like an affront to me. I don't know how many times I've asked him to reconsider his profession. I keep telling him to enjoy this now and figure out a plan B because this is not going to last, but he's stubborn to a fault. And really, I don't think that he'll have much luck doing anything else, because though both his parents are intellectuals, he's always been more brawn than brain. His desire to always please people has made him soft, and it will bite him in the end."

Fully angry now, I spoke up before I could even think about what I'm saying. "With all due respect, Jae Joon may not be book smart, but he's smart in life. He understands people. He's funny, and he's hardworking and, he's incredible. He lives his life with integrity and perseveres through all his hardships. His kind heart may well be his greatest asset, not his weakness as you so obviously implied. Joon... Your son... Is the best man I know." My hands balled into fists at my sides and I felt myself almost shaking I was so mad. "I changed my mind, Professor. I don't need your recipe after all. I'll just make my own. Thank you for your time."

I turned and started making my way back to the door. My eyes burned with angry tears, and I was afraid I'd lose my cool and say something else before I could leave. For one brief moment I wondered if she was going to call security on me when I heard her call my name.

"Ms. Sung." I was about to turn the door handle and her voice stopped me. I fixed a calm expression on my face and turned around to see her writing on a piece of paper. Once she was done writing, she offered it to me. "Here's my home address and the ingredients you'll need. I only have a couple of hours tomorrow to spare, so please be prompt and be there by 5 p.m."

Speechless, I nodded and took the piece of paper. "Thank you," I finally said, meeting her eyes, and I could have sworn she looked at me with what looked like amusement. I walked out of the university in a daze and went back to the office to finish my day.

## Sincheon Boarding House

##  November 16, 2000

##  5:30 p.m.

##  Chilbong

I looked at my watch as I walked up the stairs to Sincheon Boarding House. I had planned on being here earlier, but the CF filming took a little longer than I expected.

As I knocked on the door, I thought about how strange it felt when I used to live here before. The last time I was here there was still snow on the ground, and now I can feel the winter chill again. That memory seemed like a lifetime ago... Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin, and Dong Joon have all moved out, and only Haitai and Na Jeong remained.

I lifted my gloved hand to knock again when I saw Omma come to the door. As soon as she saw me, her face broke out into a wide smile and opened the door wide to let me in.

"Omo... Chilbong-ah!" She exclaimed as she embraced me tightly. "You're here! I can't believe you're finally home! Come in, come in..." She ushered me into the house and I followed her to the living room. "Why did you knock? Do you not have your key anymore?"

"Omma, no. I didn't want to lose it so I left it with Binggrae when I left." Looking around the room, I observed that everything still looked exactly the same. The only difference I could spot was that among the frames that littered the shelves, there were now new ones. I bent down to examine them more closely and saw one from Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo's wedding, and another one from Dong Joon and Jin Yi noona's wedding.

"Bong-ah, do you want something to drink?" I heard Omma call out from the kitchen.

"Ah, Omma... Just tea for me, thank you," I answered.

I was about to walk over to the couch to sit down when I saw some pictures lying flat on the shelf. Lifting it, my hands began to tremble.

It was a picture of me, holding a baseball in my hand. Underneath it was another picture of me, holding a baseball up in the air while my teammates were caught celebrating in the background. I have seen pictures like these before, from my university days. I have also seen pictures like these from my days playing in Japan, but I was wearing my San Francisco Giants uniform in both of them. Most of the pictures of me that I've seen circulated were professional shots, usually taken during practice, but the graininess of these implied that they were from a personal camera and I could see the blur of the crowd a distance away from where I stood. For a second I wondered if my manager had sent them these when I heard Omma come up behind me. Before I could put them down, she was looking over my shoulder and smiling at me.

"I still need to buy new frames for your pictures," she explained. "They turned out quite well, don't you think?"

"Yeah... Omma, they did," I answered. Hesitant to ask but knowing it will drive me crazy if I didn't, I turned towards her. "But Omma... How did you get these? When were these from?"

"I think it's been over a month ago?" She paused, as if trying to think. "Ahh, I remember now. They were from your division championship game. Na Jeong..." A noise at the door interrupted her and before I could ask her to elaborate, she whispered to me. "Na Jeong's Appa doesn't know so we'll talk more later."

"Yeobo!" Coach called out. "Did you know there's a car parked up front?" He was speaking as he was walking but as soon as he saw me he froze up and just stared. "Chilbong-ah!!!" Leading me by the arm towards the couch he turned to Omma. "Yeobo, why didn't you call me and tell me Chilbong was here?"

"Coach-nim, I only just got here a few minutes ago." I said. He looked at me with affection and I smiled back absently. I was dying for Omma to finish her sentence. Na Jeong did what?

"How is your shoulder? You said it was bothering you the last time we spoke. You should get it looked at while you're home."

"Yeah, Coach-nim. I already made an appointment with my doctor. It's okay right now, but it gets stiff more often nowadays." I chuckled. "Maybe I'm just getting older."

Omma came back from the kitchen then with a tray holding cups of tea. She served me first, then Coach, then herself before sitting herself down next to him. Coach looked at her and brushed her cheek with his hand. She blushed and patted his hand away and I couldn't help but smile at them.

Being here, being with them, makes me feel like I am part of another world. A better world, where love meant forever, and where the word family actually means something. This boarding house has been the grounding force in my life all these years. Once upon a time I believed that I could really be a part of this world, but lately I've been realizing that I was just a visitor.

"Chilbong-ah, what is America like?" he asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"It's big... Really big. Everyone drives, even in the city. There are a lot of stores and restaurants everywhere, just like here, and people are really into baseball." I always find it hard to describe my experience in America without making it sound so simplistic. The truth is that all I know of it is seen either from my apartment, the window of a plane or a bus, some restaurants, or a hotel room. "I like it... But there's no place like home. Even the food at Korean restaurants don't taste like it does here."

"Bong-ah... Do you think they'll renew your contract? You have a year left, right?" Omma asked, watching me a little too closely.

"My coach asked me about it before I flew back home. I think if I continue playing the way I've been playing there's a big possibility they might."

They both stayed silent at my response. Coach looked like he was about to ask something else when the phone started ringing. Omma stood up and answered the call.

"Hello? Na Jeong-ah... What happened? Calm down and tell me clearly why you're crying..." As if by instinct I stood up. I fought the urge to grab the phone and speak to her myself. "Aigoo, this girl. Are you crying because of that?" Covering the receiver with one hand and said, "Can you go into Na Jeong's room and check if her gloves are on the table?"

I nodded and walked to Na Jeong's room. As soon as I opened the door I was brought back to the last time I was here. Everything looked the same. I could still see her on the bed sleeping peacefully that morning. My heart in my throat I struggled to remember what I was here for. Gloves. Right. I scanned the room saw a pair of gloves on the table. But they weren't her gloves. They were mine. I was about to ask Omma if this was what she had been referring to when I spotted my cap sitting there. It was the cap I put on Na Jeong's head the night before I left for Japan, five years ago. That time feels like so long ago now. Another lifetime.

Under the cap, there was a boarding pass stub, and when I picked it up my heart literally stopped. My eyes tried to focus on finding the date and there it was: October 3, 2000, the day before my championship game. Destination? San Francisco. Passenger name? Sung Na Jeong.

I shakily placed the stub back down. Stunned I walked back to the living room with the gloves. Omma smiled at me when she saw them in my hands, but then she noticed the expression on my face.

"Na Jeong-ah, they're here," she said into the receiver, still sending furtive glances my way. "It's okay... No, I won't take a picture of it for you. You'll be home soon anyway. Appa? No, you can't speak to Appa, he's in the bathroom. I have to go now." Taking my hands in hers, she looked at me with concerned eyes. "Chilbong-ah, are you okay?"

I couldn't focus for a minute. Na Jeong was in San Francisco? Why would she go there? Why didn't anyone tell me? "Omma," I stammered. "Did... Did Na Jeong go to San Francisco?" Looking momentarily puzzled, she thought for a minute before she answered.

"Yes... Don't you remember? She came for your game... Your division championship game. She couldn't take too much time off work because they wouldn't let her, so she flew in for the day and came back on Monday." She paused as if remembering something. "But, shouldn't you know all this? She told me she saw you. And you've seen the pictures... She took them at your game."

"But... But the flight is twelve hours long... How could she have..."

"Bong-ah... I told her that too. But she wouldn't listen, said she had to be there. Aigoo, she was in so much pain from her back from being in a plane for so long."

She turned towards the bathroom as we heard a flush. I sat back on the couch and Coach came back from the bathroom and sat beside me while Omma made her way to the kitchen. He spoke about a few more things, but I was distracted. My mind was still reeling from what I just found out.

It felt like the room was closing itself around me, and I needed to get out. Before I could say anything, though, I heard Omma call my name out from the kitchen.

"Joon-ah, you'll stay for dinner right? There's plenty of food and I've already set a plate out for you."

I didn't really want to be here when Na Jeong came home but I couldn't say no. Coach had just gone to help Omma in the kitchen when I heard the front door open and Haitai and Na Jeong came into view.

It was a conscious effort to keep my expression neutral. Because all I can think about in this moment is that I can't do this... I can't be in this house, with her questions, her declarations and her feelings. I can't do this. For the first time since I left, I felt myself losing what little grasp I had over my emotions.

Na Jeong's magnificent eyes widened as she realized that I was there with her parents. She gave me a hesitant smile as Haitai passed right by her to say hello to me. Not caring that anyone could have been watching, I could do nothing but look at her. She gazed back at me with her guileless eyes, her expression that of a woman who had nothing to hide. I felt my heart beat the slow steady rhythm of her name, and knew for sure I had to finish this situation tonight. She met my stare with one of her own... her brave, expressive eyes not backing down.

Haitai cleared his throat between us. "You guys, dial down on the intensity. You look like you're about to kill each other... Or do something else. Hurry, before Omma and Appa come back." He gave us both pointed looks before making the three of us sit down on the couch. He placed her on his right, and me on his left. Na Jeong pretended to watch television while Haitai kept on talking and I just stayed silent.

When we were called to eat, I was forced to sit in my old seat, right next to her. I wondered for a second if it would have been preferable to be across from her, but then I realized that had I been opposite her I might have stared at her the whole time. I was dying to ask her so many questions, but this is so not the right time, or the right place or the right audience. She remained quiet through the meal, never looking at me, and only answering her parents' questions as minimally as possible. As if sensing that there was a disconnect between myself and Na Jeong, everyone at the table was quiet.

"Na Jeong-ah, did you see the gloves by the phone?" Na Jeong looked up as Omma continued. "Chilbong found them on your table. I can't believe you were crying over a pair of gloves. I don't even remember when you got them... They look a little big for your hands."

"They were given to me," she said quietly. "By someone I love." Na Jeong didn't turn my way, and I couldn't even stop the way my heart jumped to hear her say that.

"Chilbong-ah," I heard Haitai say. "I know there's only a remote possibility that you might not get renewed, but what happens if you don't?"

"Ah..." I started. "I become a free agent until another team makes me an offer."

"How will that work if you're back in Korea after your contract expire? Your name will not be as exposed in America," Coach asked.

"I wasn't planning on coming back to Korea for a while after my contract, whether or not I get renewed," I cleared my throat. "I was thinking of settling there permanently."

Around me everyone stayed silent. Awkwardly Haitai smiled and said, "Wow... That's great."

Slowly, Na Jeong lifted her head and turned her head towards me, looking so hurt and so stricken that I could feel her pain all the way to my bones.

I swallowed a lump in my throat. I hadn't meant to say that. I didn't even know that that option had been at the forefront of my mind. Until now. It was really only one way that I will be okay with living my life without her. Because this... Sharing of friends and family is not going to work. Meeting all the time, sharing the same space, seeing her... None of this will make it easier for me not to love her.

The silence continued through the rest of dinner and by the time the meal was finished, I was exhausted. I was hoping that I could make a quick exit, but Omma and Appa looked at me so hopefully that I ended up staying another hour, pretending to watch television, making small talk. Na Jeong sat on the floor in front of me, not even sparing me a glance. Good, I thought, even as my traitorous heart begged to see her face, it's better this way.

When it was finally time to say goodbye, I stood at the front door, not feeling quite ready to say my farewell. I watched as Na Jeong stood to the side as her parents spoke to me.

"Bong-ah... Omma and Coach are sorry that we weren't supportive about you telling us you might be moving to America. We're happy for you... It's just that we'll miss you a lot." She took me in her arms and hugged me. As I was pulling away, I heard her speak. "Get plenty of rest while you're home, okay? Make sure to eat well." Omma said, looking at me gently. Her warmth washed over me, and I felt tears spring to my eyes.

"I will," I responded, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. "Omma... Thank you for everything." She gave my hand a squeeze before I turned to Coach.

"Chilbong-ah... Try to visit us one more time before you have to leave again... Because it sounds like after that we might not see you for a long time. But even if you don't, that's okay too. Once you're back in America you'll still keep in touch right?"

"Yes, Coach-nim... I'll be sure to visit you again." Even as I answered, the words rang empty in my ears. Coach looked like he knew it too but he said no more and just looked at me fondly. He shook my hand and gave me a smile.

I heard Na Jeong before I saw her appear at my side. Smiling a little too brightly, she told her parents that she'll walk me out. She grabbed her coat and gloves and waited until I was ready before she followed me out. Once outside her smile disappeared and a look of sadness replaced it.

We walked in silence, and my mind brought me back every memory of us walking side by side this way, our hands locked together. My heart clamped painfully inside me, and I was relieved when my car came into view. Just when I thought that I was able to leave, I heard her speak.

"Joon-ah... Do you think for one second we can pretend that you and I don't have the history that we have? Can we pretend that we are back to us being friends?" She paused. "It's just... I just want to have an adult conversation with you without you clamming up and without me going... Well, insane. Do you think we can do that?"

Feeling as if I owed her this much, quietly I said, "Okay." I waited for her to start as we walked, but seeing that she looked like she was still thinking, I decided to begin. "Na Jeong-ah... I'm sorry about the other night. I shouldn't have kissed you."

"Is that all you're sorry for?" She asked, not looking at me. "How about sorry I left without a word? Since we're being honest, I think you need to apologize for that as well... I'm sorry too. I'm sorry I didn't see your heart all those years." I watched as she tried to put a hopeful smile on her face and as she nervously wrung her hands. "Have you thought anymore about what I asked you? About starting over?"

"Na Jeong-ah... I've thought about what you've said. I think I should tell you that I don't think we can start over. "

"Is it that you don't think we can... Or you don't think you can?" When I didn't answer, she turned to look at me. "Is it because you don't love me anymore?"

"That hardly matters when I'm making the choice not to," I said. I kept my hands in my pockets, afraid they would betray me.

"It matters to me." She looked at me calmly. "Is that the only reason?"

"I... I didn't grow up with a family like yours. Until I met all of you I've never known what it was like to have people who actually, really cared." I stopped and took a deep breath. "If things don't work out between us, I won't just be losing you... I'll be losing them too. I can't risk that."

"How kind of you to think about what will happen if you lost me when you won't even take me," she said, her voice flat. "So what's your solution?"

"Get over you. Get over this. I will spend my whole life doing that if I have to. I'll move to America and keep playing baseball."

"And me... What about me?" Her voice was pensive, laced with sadness.

"You'll find someone else. You'll get married and have children. You'll be happy." Even as I said those words out loud, my heart cracked with every mention of a life I will never have with her.

I saw her shoulders tense and she raised an eyebrow. "So...You're okay with the idea of me falling in love with someone else, marrying someone else, having children with someone else."

"Na Jeong-ah..."

"You got to speak, it's my turn now. Thanks for planning my whole life without you out for me... But I'm not okay with that. I don't want anyone else but you... I'm in love with YOU. And you may have convinced yourself that you are perfectly fine living only half a life but I'm not okay with it. Because half a life is exactly what it will be. I should know... I've been living it for months. Feeling safe, but not fulfilled. Content, but not happy. Existing but not living. I don't want that for me and I sure as hell don't want that for you either."

"Na Jeong-ah... It's the only way I know how to live. Don't you understand? I'm not... I'm not like you. I'm not the type of person who goes into anything without weighing pros and cons. Mainly cons. But when I'm with you, I become impulsive, reckless... And I can't keep doing it. It's taken me a long time to know how to protect myself from feeling anything. But with one smile and one kiss... You decimate any progress I've made. The wall I've built is back up now. I'm strong again... I like it that way. Please, don't make me waver." I stopped and thought about whether I should say what I'm about to say next. "Doesn't it hurt you... Doing this?"

"Joon-ah, do you think this is easy for me? You probably think that me doing this makes me weak, but I don't think so. It was my choice to tell you. Trying to get you back, you rejecting me ... Yeah it hurts, but let me tell you something..." Na Jeong looked at me directly, her eyes shining with tears. "I loved you for four months without my knowing it, then six months after that without knowing if I'll even see you again, then another three months after that to even be able to stand here and tell it to your face. That's 298 days. 298 days of waiting, 298 days of wondering, 298 days of wishing you back. I consider none of it wasted because it was 298 days of loving you."

"You can deny it all you want, but I know you still love me. And you're wrong. Turning away from the woman you love... Refusing her heart when she is freely giving it to you... That doesn't make you strong. That makes you stupid." She shook her head then looked at me beseechingly. "Please take a chance on me. Please take a chance with me."

"I... Can't."

"Then I'll wait. I'll wait like I have been, like you did. I'll wait until you can, forever if I have to. You're worth it." Her determined eyes met mine and her mouth in a firm line, she added, "People may change, Joon-ah, but hearts don't. I'd rather wait than live a life without you."

I turned away from her and walked towards my car. Once I was inside I drove off quickly. When I looked at my windscreen mirror, Na Jeong still stood where I left her, her arms wrapped around herself.

## November 17, 2000

##  8.30 am

##  Chilbong

The insistent ringing of the doorbell woke me up. I stood up too fast and felt like my head was about to explode. I slowly walked to the monitor to see who was bothering me at this time of the day and Dong Joon's face appeared. I walked to the door and let him in, aware that he's probably going to give me a lecture.

"Chilbong, you reek of alcohol. Have you been drinking?" He asked as he put a cloth wrapped package on my kitchen counter.

"Yah... Do you have to speak so loudly?" I answered, holding my head in pain. "What's that?"

"I was at the boarding house earlier to pack up the rest of my stuff and Omma wanted me to bring this to you. She said she forgot that she had packed it up." His back turned to me, he started putting the food in the refrigerator. "She sent over some kimchi and some other side dishes. Have you visited them yet?"

"Yes... I was there last night. "

Binggrae walked from the kitchen to the living room and sat down across from me. He looked me up and down and shook his head. "You look like death."

"I feel like it too," I said.

"How much did you drink last night?" he asked.

"Enough to make me forget," I muttered under my breath. Suddenly I remembered driving around for a few hours after I left the boarding house.

"I know you've seen Na Jeong," he said. "Has she told you about Jung Gook Hyung?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "What about him? I saw them sitting at your wedding. That's all I know."

"Since you don't care, then they've gotten back together..."

"WHAT!!!!!!"

"Yeah... I thought so. They haven't... I was just testing you. They didn't try again, even after you left, just in case you were curious. Na Jeong even returned her ring." He paused for a moment, as if waiting for a reaction. When he didn't get one, he continued. "Are you okay? What am I asking... Of course you're not okay. I mean look at you."

"Dong Joon-ah, now is not the time to talk about this. I'm not in the mood."

"Now is as good a time as any," he answered cheerfully and I frowned. "And you're never in the mood, so let's talk about it. You can't hold everything in forever."

I looked at him as his expression sobered and saw the concern in his eyes. My cousin... The only one who ever worried about me all my life. He's not going to let this go so I might as well cooperate.

"Yeah... I've seen Na Jeong," I said with resignation. "She said she loves me... She said that she's in love with me.

"And?" He prodded, looking at me questioningly.

"And nothing. It doesn't make a difference." I felt so tired all of a sudden and leaned back on the couch.

"I find that hard to believe. You've loved her for so long, waited for so long, and now that she loves you too it doesn't make a difference?" He asked, shaking in his head. "This coming from the guy who cried all the way to the airport... What happened to you?"

I met his eyes and said, "I grew up, that's what happened. Dong Joon-ah, I grew up. I realized that love may feel good at times, but it hurts like a bitch almost all other times. My heart is not built for it, and I'd prefer not to feel it. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm okay with it."

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself? Wouldn't it make more sense to try and see if this time it might be different? While you were growing up, Na Jeong was, too."

"What Na Jeong is feeling can't be real," I said resolutely. "I don't know if it's infatuation, or maybe it's a crush. Maybe I hurt her pride when I left. She was the same with Lee Sang Min Hyung... The same with Jung Gook sunbae."

"I never saw Na Jeong react to losing anyone the way she reacted when she lost you. Do you know how many times I caught her asleep in your bed? She should just have moved into your own room she was there so often. You have no idea what that girl's gone through to try to get to you. You're doing her and yourself a disservice by not even considering that she may really love you." He paused for a few minutes before continuing. "I should probably tell you that Na Jeong asked for my help... To get you back. I know you don't need my advice, but I'm giving it anyway. I think you should give her another chance."

"What's the point, Dong Joon-ah?" I asked, sitting back up. "Let's say she and I try this out, who's to say it's going to last? Even if it did, for how long? In my world, people don't stay together forever. In my world, people just stay together long enough until they discover that they're with an imperfect person and then get the hell out before the ink is even dry... Or stay together to torture each other by withholding happiness from the other person. That's the world I know."

"Maybe not the words you should be saying to a man who just got married," Dong Joon said jokingly.

Looking straight into his eyes, I spoke again. "Na Jeong said it herself... People change their minds. Am I expected to put everything I have in someone who changes their mind all the time? In her head, I am still the Chilbong from six years ago, but I'm not him anymore. Right now she sees me as the one that got away, but reality will rear its ugly head at some point. What will happen when she realizes that I'm not perfect? She'll be disappointed and then she'll leave. Because everybody does." I closed my eyes and wished the pounding in my head would disappear.

"Joon-ah... Na Jeong is not your mother." He said it so softly I barely heard him. He turned to me and looked me in the eyes. "She's not. And you're nothing like your father. History doesn't have to repeat itself. You can control that."

"I can't. I can't control it. I love her too much," I paused, forced myself to take a deep breath. "My whole life I always kept a smile on my face but a wall around my heart. But she, somehow, found a hole in my wall and wiggled her way into my affections without my knowing it. My heart finally started to open, but when she didn't choose me, she didn't just break my heart. She broke me." I could feel tears building up behind my eyes and shook my head. "I barely survived walking away from her. I can't risk my heart again. I have to protect myself, the way I've always done. And she... She will find a better man. They'll get married and have a simple happy life." Looking away from him, I continued. "I have three months before I have to go back to America. I'll stay here as long as possible and then leave. That's what I'm going to do." The room was spinning and I had to close my eyes.

"It's not your place to make that choice for her.. But you'll find that out soon enough," he said. "Joon-ah, I know you've had to work hard for everything. I know you've spent so much of your life trying to prove people wrong about you. You always take the most difficult and perilous way, thinking that if you didn't do it that way, you don't deserve what you have." Not seeing why he's pointing things about myself that I already knew, I opened my eyes again and looked at him. "Joon-ah... Sometimes the hardest way is not always the best way, or the way that will lead to happiness. Sometimes, life gives you a gift, and it can be that easy."

"It's not. That. Simple."

"Why? Why can't it be that simple? Even if you don't like it, you love her, and she loves you. Sounds like the simplest thing to me." He looked me straight in the eyes. "You're my cousin and I will always look out for you. Don't push away happiness because you're afraid of what might or might not happen. You CAN have it all. Everything you want... It's right in front of you now. Joon-ah... You're one word away from the life that you dream of and the love that you deserve. Three letters. One word. All you have to do is say yes." He looked at his watch and stood up. "I have to go. I have to be at the hospital early today because we're leaving for our honeymoon tomorrow." He gave my shoulder one last reassuring squeeze before he made his way out the door.

Exhausted and worn out. I put myself back to bed and fell asleep still thinking about what he said.

## November 17, 2000

##  8:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

When I woke up, it was already dark. Looking at the clock, I realized that I had slept for more than ten hours. For a minute I was tempted to go back to sleep, but my body unwilling, I dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. As I was getting dressed I heard my stomach rumble. Realizing that I haven't eaten anything since last night, I padded to the kitchen to see what Omma sent for me.

I berated myself as thoughts of last night came crashing back to me. No matter how much I try, I can't erase the memory of Na Jeong's face, looking at me with so much pain, her voice resonating with her belief in us. Impossible, I thought. This cannot be love.

Trying to banish the memory away, I scanned the contents of my refrigerator. There was so much food that I didn't know what to eat. A large container in the bottom shelf caught my attention. I knew what it was before I even tasted it. Radish kimchi. Omma has sent me this when I was in Japan and America, but she's never sent me such a big portion. Despite my headache, I smiled at the thought that she may have made this in preparation for my visit.

I helped myself to a bowl of rice and grabbed the container on my way to the table. I was just about to eat when I spotted the light blinking on my answering machine. I placed some kimchi over my rice and walked over to the table where my phone sat. Pressing the play button I walked back to the couch and sat down as the machine came on and I heard my manager's voice..

"Friday, November 17, 9:30 a.m. Chilbong-ah... Did you get the schedule from KBS? We need to give them an answer soon. Call me."

Schedule? I didn't get a schedule from them... Wondering if I had missed it on my email, I powered up my laptop and signed in.

"Friday, November 17, 1:30 p.m. Chilbong-ah... How many times do I have to tell you to keep your handphone turned on? Why aren't you answering? Did you go on a trip and didn't tell me? CALL ME."

I shook my head. Go on a trip? Where exactly was I supposed to go?

"Friday, November 17, 4:30 p.m. Chilbong-ah... It's Hyung again... Aaah... Are you checking your messages? I spoke to KBS and they sent the schedule to the wrong email. They sent it to your old email address, the one you used when you were in Japan. You still have that password, right? Call me."

Deciding that I'll call him after I ate and checked my e-mail, I clicked on my old email icon and typed "NAJEONG." While waiting for my inbox to load, I took a spoonful of rice and kimchi. My tongue registering the taste, I looked at the kimchi curiously. This doesn't taste like Omma's kimchi... This tastes like my Omma's, except a little different. Wondering if Dong Joon brought it over along with the rest of the food, I walked over to the refrigerator. Though the containers were of different sizes, they all looked like they all came from the same set. But how? My Omma is so protective of this recipe she once told me that she'll only share it with my future wife, then joked that she only said that because she didn't think I would ever get married. I took another bite, thinking I may have been mistaken.

No, I thought, this is definitely my mother's kimchi. Confused, I stood up and dialled her number. Hoping she was home, I breathed a sigh of relief when I heard her answer after the fourth ring. "Omma?"

"Ahh... So my only child decides to finally call his mother. To what do I owe this honour?" She asked. "Jae Joon-ah, have you been getting my messages? You never responded. What if it had been an emergency or something?"

"Omma, yeah, I got your messages. I'm going to apologize for my fans, like I have every other time this happened. And if there had been an emergency, I know that you know how to reach me other ways... But I need to ask you a question."

"Ahh, those messages. No, I was wrong about that. Turned out that the person who came to see me wasn't a fan. It was..."

"Omma, I know. It was probably a reporter or something. But I need to ask you a question," I said, my voice rising in frustration.

"No need to get upset, Joon-ah." She paused, as if waiting. "Well... Are you going to ask me the question?"

"Omma... Did you make me some radish kimchi recently? Like a big container of it? Dong Joon was just here and he brought some over. I thought at first it was from the boarding house but it definitely tastes like your kimchi. Except maybe, a little bit better. Did you change the recipe?"

"Aigoo, that girl... I told her she didn't need ginger. That must be why it tastes different." I heard her sigh from the other end of the line. "Well if that's all you wanted to know, I'm going to hang up."

"Oh okay... It must be the ginger," I said, nodding. It took me another minute to register what she just said. "Omma, wait a minute. Just... Wait. What girl?"

"You're a liar, Kim Jae Joon... You said you read your messages. If you really did, then you should know that I met Ms. Sung." When I stayed quiet, she chuckled. "Sung Na Jeong... You didn't know she came to see me? I was surprised at first, I must admit... That she was everything like you said. She went to my class and asked me if I could give her my recipe. I guess she did follow my suggestions if it tastes anything like mine."

"You... You met Na Jeong-ie?" I asked, feeling my throat go dry.

"Yes. I met your Na Jeong-ie. She's very beautiful, just like you said. But she's a little... Passionate, no? She's very..." She stopped abruptly, as if thinking of the right word. "... Interesting."

"Omma..."

"I can hear that you're about to bite my head off just like she did when she thought I was criticizing you, so I'm going to hang up." I heard her take a deep breath before speaking again. "Oh, and Joon-ah... This may not matter, but I don't... Disapprove of her. She's ballsy, that girl." She hung up the call before I could say any more.

Reeling, I shakily sat down. Putting my bowl on the table, I sat back. Na Jeong met my mother? Was this what Dong Joon was talking about? Suddenly, I heard Na Jeong's Omma's voice in my head. "Don't you remember? She came for your game. Your division championship game." In my mind, I saw my gloves and my cap on her table. Unable to process what is going on, I glanced at my laptop. Expecting one new message, I was surprised to see that there were 134 messages. I spotted the one from KBS eighth on the list. The rest were from an email address I didn't recognize. Hands shaking, I scrolled down to the first of the messages, dated July 27, 2000.

DATE: July 8, 2000

TIME: 11:30 a.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

Hi.

Not really sure if a fan had gotten hold of my email address, I still didn't know who the sender was and clicked on the second.

DATE: July 9, 2000

TIME: 07:30 a.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

Aish... I just realized I didn't put who the sender was yesterday. It's me, Na Jeong. I have the right email, right? You never responded so...

Frantic now, I continued to open all the emails, as it dawned on me that she had been sending me one a day since July.

DATE: August 10, 2000

TIME: 10:00 am

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

Yah... It's rude not to respond to emails. It's been almost three weeks. Don't tell me you're still mad at me?

DATE: August 15, 2000

TIME: 7:30 p.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

I just saw the news on you and they played one of your practice videos. You look tired. Are you sleeping well? Please take care of your health. I'm really worried. Please respond.

Yours always,

Na Jeong

DATE: August 21, 2000

TIME: 7:00 a.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

I dreamt about you again last night. I dreamt of us slow dancing upstairs. Do you remember? I miss you so much right now I feel like I'm going to die.

Yours always,

Na Jeong

DATE: September 4, 2000

TIME: 5:30 p.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

Joon-ah,

I had a bad day at work. Things are not going well. I wish you were here to cheer me up.

I miss your hugs. They made me feel so safe and protected.

Yours always,

Na Jeong

DATE: September 18, 2000

TIME: 12:30 p.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

Joon-ah,

Stupid Olympics! All the sports news are all related to it! There is so little news about you on TV! I can only rely on English articles online, but the pictures are not updated! I cannot wait for it to be over... Then I can see you on TV again...

It was mentioned in the article that you will pitching for the next few games. Will your shoulder be fine? Please don't overtax yourself.

Yours always,

Na Jeong

DATE: October 3, 2000

TIME: 1:00 p.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

Joon-ah,

I'm waiting at the airport for my flight to San Francisco, so I really hope you're reading your email. I'm landing at 12:30 p.m tomorrow in the U.S. I'm not asking you to pick me up... I know you'll be getting ready for your game. But please, if you have time, can you meet me after?

I've made a reservation for 8pm at Chapeau. Do you know of it? If you need directions, you can probably call them for it. I'll be staying at The Westin St. Francis, but I only have the weekend off from work so I won't be there long.

Please come. I'll be waiting.

Yours always,

Na Jeong

DATE: October 6, 2000

TIME: 6:00 a.m..

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

I'm sad that I didn't get to speak to you, but it's okay. I know you probably need time. You probably won't be able to handle how pretty I am now anyway. ;p

You were amazing at the game. I took some pictures. Remind me to show them to you when you come home. You will be coming home right?

Yours always,

Na Jeong

Still disbelieving that she's been doing this for months and didn't tell me, I reached the date of Dong Joon's wedding.

DATE: November 4, 2000

TIME: 11:47 p.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

Yah, is Misoo better than me? Scratch that... It doesn't matter. But is she? Once we're together you can't be friends with her anymore. I'm just kidding... But not really.

It's great to see you again.

I miss you.

Yours always,

Na Jeong

It seemed like me going home didn't slow her down, judging from the number of emails remaining totalling the number of days I've been home. Clicking on one just a week ago, I read. Which day is this? Oh, yeah, I remember... It's the night we were at Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo's for dinner.

DATE: November 10, 2000

TIME: 11:14 p.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

YAH! KIM JAE JOON!

You really made me mad tonight. I don't like you very much right now.

I clicked on the one from last night, after I left the boarding house.

DATE: November 16, 2000

TIME: 10:23 p.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

I LOVE KIM JAE JOON.

My heart in my throat, I clicked on the last one, dated today, sent three hours ago.

DATE: November 17, 2000

TIME: 5:00 p.m.

SENDER: 77biggestfan@daum.co.kr

Joon-ah,

I know you won't be expecting this, but you won. I'm giving up...

Not even bothering to read the rest of the email, I sprung to my feet and ran out the door. Waiting for the elevators, I dialled the boarding house number and heard Haitai answer the phone.

"Haitai, where's Na Jeong?" I asked.

"Chilbong-ah?" He asked. "Na Jeong is working late. She's not home yet."

"Where does she work?" I asked, pressing the elevator button a few more times.

"She works in... Ahh, the LG Tower. Not far from you actually. She called...."

"Thanks, Haitai. I have to go," I interrupted.

I hung up the call and realizing the elevators were taking too long, ran down the stairs as fast as I could. Uncaring that it was pouring with rain outside, I ran out of my apartment building.

## LG Tower

##  November 17, 2000

##  9:00 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

"Have a good night," I called out, getting up from my desk and gathering my coat and purse. "I'll see you guys on Monday." I gave the rest of my co-workers a wave before making my way to the elevators.

What a day, I thought. I've been at the office since this morning and there's still so much to do. I finally had to leave when the words on my monitor started blurring.

I found myself dozing off in the elevator and was startled when the voice announced I was on the ground floor. Even this far from the front door, I could see that the rain which was drizzling a few hours ago was now pouring out of the sky. After flipping up the collar of my waterproof coat, I pulled out my umbrella and was about to open it when I saw Joon outside my office building.

He stood on the opposite side of the path, staring at the entrance. He was drenched from head to toe, and I noted with concern that he was shivering. He looked dazed, unfocused and so, so alone. Wanting nothing more than to run to him and hold him close, I stopped myself, remembering our last conversation. I opened my umbrella and walked out without acknowledging him.

"SUNG NA JEONG!" I heard him yell out. I took a deep breath before turning around.

"What now?" I asked turning to face him, exhausted.

"Did you go to San Francisco?" When I didn't answer, he repeated his question. "Did you go to San Francisco?"

"So what if I did? Am I not allowed to go to San Francisco now?" I felt so tired I could just cry. I had to calm myself down before continuing. "I can't go to San Francisco... I can't love you... Tell me, Joon-ah, what the hell can I do? Oh yeah, I CAN get lost, right? And I CAN meet someone else, get married and have their babies." I paused and took a deep breath. "You know what... I've had a shitty day. I'm way too tired to argue now." I started walking away from him.

"Na Jeong-ah..." I heard him say from behind me, his voice strained. The desperation in his voice made me turn around to look at him. "I've loved you for seven years. Why couldn't you just stay away? I was doing fine without you." Unsure of how to respond, I stayed quiet. "You're killing me, Na Jeong-ah... You're killing me."

I took two steps towards him when I heard him speak again. "You need to know that I'm not perfect. Before you give me your heart, you need to know that. There are going to be days when you might hate me. I can't have you changing your mind about me. This time I won't survive it." His voice broke and my heart cried for him. Closer now, I can see that he was crying. For the first time since I've known him, Joon looked lost. Seeing him so vulnerable, seeing him so scared, I almost regretted not listening to his requests to leave him alone.

Feeling hope flare in my heart, I took another step closer and said, "I'm not perfect... So why would I expect you to be? Perfection is overrated, and it's not as if you've been acting like Prince Charming since you came back. I know what your flaws are... And I can list them for you if you'd like. But I love you more with your imperfections. That's what makes you MY Joon." He was looking at me so deeply I thought I was drowning in his eyes. "I can't guarantee anything, but I can tell you this. If anyone's mind will change, it's going to be yours. I've already made my choice in this lifetime, and it's you. And just to be safe... I made the choice for my next one too, so that even if we don't end up together now, I can find you and love you all over again in my next life. I really hope you want me though... Because if you don't..." I tried to smile even as tears started falling from my eyes. "If you don't, I'm pretty much screwed."

We were only separated now by about four feet. I hesitantly tried to take a step forward when I heard his voice. "Na Jeong-ah... If you take another step, everything will change. We can never go back."

I smiled at him before I closed our distance and threw my arms around his neck. My umbrella forgotten, I didn't even notice that I was now getting wet right along with him. I looked into his eyes, and though still a little guarded, he looked at me with a new light. My Joon is back. Just like he did for me so many months ago, I kissed his beautiful eyes as they flitted closed. I kissed the tip of his nose. I kissed his right cheek and then his left cheek.

I felt his thumb my brush my face before he kissed me. His lips felt soft, his kiss as gentle as a feather. I felt his cheeks, wet with rain and tears, brush against mine. Heart pounding, I ran my fingers through his hair and felt him shudder in my arms. His arms tightened around me and before I could deepen the kiss, he tore his mouth away.

"Yah..." I whispered. "You haven't kissed me in forever. Was that it?"

"No," he said, a small smile on his lips. "I have something to ask, though." When I continued pouting at him, he said, "What's with your email from today? What happened to 'I'll wait'?"

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Aigoo... You didn't even read the full email did you? I said I'm giving up... Today. Just TODAY! I can't believe you didn't..."

His mouth was on mine before I could say anything else. When I felt his tongue on my lips, I opened mine willingly. I have never felt anything so right than being here, like this, with him. I felt one of his hands on my neck and one on my back supporting me. His touch was strong and secure. His tongue met mine and all I could think of was, finally. He tasted of me, of rain, and of love. I closed my eyes and savoured the feel of his racing heart against my chest, my heart echoing the same beat. I felt his hand on my back pulling me closer and closer until I could feel the full length of his body against mine. He sucked on my lower lip as he pulled away. I pulled him in for another kiss, sucking on his tongue as I urged him to continue. I almost cried when he pulled away again. When I opened my eyes, he was looking at me with the tenderest of gazes, one that I have not seen in his eyes since he came back. It felt like I was looking into a window to his soul. Overwhelmed with emotions, I brushed the pad of my thumbs across his cheek.

"I love you," I blurted out. "I know you've heard it already and I probably should have waited for you to actually say it, but I felt it so I had to say it. I love you so much." Embarrassed, I looked down at our feet, both soaked with rain. He lifted my chin up so he could look into my eyes. "I can stop saying it if it makes..."

"I love you more." Simply said, with no need for elaboration. He said it as a tear fell from his eye, and the expression on his face took my breath away.

"Joon-ah..." I brushed away at his tear. "That's not possible. Because I love you a whole lot more than more."

"Yah..." He said, a frown on his face. "Why are you so competitive?"

I smiled in response and put my lips on his one more time. I could feel both of us smiling as we kissed. Still holding me close, he tucked his head into the crook of my neck, and it was then that I noticed that he was shaking. Realizing that he's not wearing a coat and it's the middle of November, I playfully slapped his arm and asked, "Joon-ah... Do you think we're in a drama or something? What were you doing out here, in the rain with no coat on! You're shivering and your lips are turning blue! You're going to get sick!"

He brought his mouth back to hover mine and whispered, "I had to find you."

I gave him one last peck before locking my hands with his. Picking up my fallen umbrella on the sidewalk, I ineffectively held it up over both us until he pointed out that we were both already wet, albeit him more than me. I nodded my head but still held it up anyway.

"Joon-ah..." I shyly started. "Let's go home."

He looked confused for a minute before he proceeded. "The boarding house?" When I didn't respond he continued. "Okay, I think I can borrow a change of clothes from..."

"Not my home," I responded, shaking my head at him before I smiled. "Your home."

# FOURTH INNING

## November 17, 2000

##  9:30 p.m.

##  Chilbong

"Joon-ah..." Na Jeong said shyly, her lovely eyes looking into mine. "Let's go home."

"The boarding house?" Glancing at my wet clothes, I grimaced. "Okay, I think I can borrow a change of clothes from..."

"Not my home," she said. She dropped her gaze but I saw her bite her lower lip before continuing. "Your home."

At her response, my heart sped up. My home? I have never had a woman in my apartment, not even my Omma. The thought that Na Jeong and I will be by ourselves made me nervous. She was looking at me expectantly, waiting for my answer. She licked her lips and my throat turned dry. I could only nod as her face broke into a beautiful smile. Looking at her, the noise of the rain and the traffic around us faded and if someone were to ask me who I am or where I am, I wouldn't be able to respond. Holding her umbrella with one hand, she loosened her hold on mine for a second before tightly intertwining our fingers together. We walked a few steps until then she stopped suddenly.

"Joon-ah..." She said. "Where is your apartment?"

"Ahh... Just four blocks from here." I looked at her and wondered if she was as nervous as I was. Taking the umbrella from her, I led her down the turn to the road that would take us straight to my apartment building.

We walked in silence, but I couldn't help but sneak glances at her. When she met my gaze I realized that I didn't have to do that anymore. Now I can look at her all I want. My heart felt full to bursting, and I wondered whether it was possible to even be this happy. I marvelled at how life can change in an instant. Just twenty four hours ago I was wallowing in misery, trying to convince myself of all the reasons why Na Jeong and I can't possibly be together... And now here we were, side by side. Though I still felt a little fearful, her belief in me and in us has provided me with renewed hope that we can make it together. The feelings I have now are just as intense as they were ten months ago, but the difference is that I think we are starting again from a more honest place.

After two blocks, we stopped on the sidewalk as the pedestrian light turned red. I felt her eyes on me and I gave her an enquiring look.

"Everything okay?" I asked.

"Yeah... Yeah," she said absently. "Uhmm..." I heard the hesitation in her voice before she coughed and cleared her throat. "Joon-ah... I don't want to be a girl right now but I am a girl."

Bemused, I tried to figure out what she was talking about. Of course she's a girl. Why wouldn't she want to be one?

"So... Just to be clear... We're like, a couple right?" She looked down after this question, her cheeks reddening. "Like we're not just going on dates to see where this is going, right?" When I continued to listen she started speaking more quickly. "Not that I wouldn't be okay with that because that tells me you're at least willing to consider us having a future together, but..."

"Na Jeong-ah," I interrupted before she got herself all worked up and got me confused. "We are a couple. We'll go on dates, not because we're trying this out but because we want to spend time together now and in the future too." I lifted her chin so I could see her eyes. "I am your boyfriend and you are my girlfriend. Was that clear enough for you?"

She nodded back, her eyes on my lips. The light has turned green again, but we stayed where we stood and just continued looking at each other. The hum of awareness intensified and I felt my heart leap to my throat. Butterflies in my stomach, I felt her hand pull away from mine. She placed it on my chest, as if feeling my heart. If it was possible to perspire in winter and in the rain, I would be sweating bullets now. With my free hand I ran my fingers down the side of her face. She closed her eyes as I touched her, and when she opened her eyes I took in the expectant look in them. I was leaning down to kiss her when I suddenly sneezed.

Moment broken, she frowned at me. We resumed walking, her arm wrapped around my waist and my one of my arms over her shoulder.

"Joon-ah, you should have at least worn a coat," she scolded. "Why did you have to rush out of the house?"

"I didn't want to miss you," I replied. "Yah... Before you get all mad again, can I just remind you that had I not done that we wouldn't be standing here right now?"

"That's true..." She conceded, her expression softening. She narrowed her eyes at me. "Why now, though? Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Ahh..." I started, just realizing with all the intensity of the moment earlier, I didn't really give her an explanation for my erratic behaviour. "I finally read your emails."

Arriving right in front of my building we stopped. I was about to tell her that we were here when I turned and saw her studying me with a frown on her face.

"What do you mean you finally read them?" She asked, pulling her arm from my waist and stepping back from me. "You mean to tell me you've been ignoring them? Here I thought you've just not been answering. I don't know which one I prefer."

Sensing a misunderstanding brewing, I decided to nip it in the bud. I took a step closer to her and placed her hand in mine. "Jagiya... I meant I just found them all. You've been sending them all this time to the wrong email address."

"What... What did you just call me?" she asked, eyes wide.

"Jagiya..." I stammered, all of a sudden worried that I might have moved too fast.

"Say it again." Not quite knowing if I was saying the right thing, I remained silent just in case I wasn't. "Please," she added, waiting with a hopeful look. I realized that she wanted me to call her that and I smiled back.

"Ahh... Jagiya," I responded back, feeling myself grinning like a fool when it hit me that I have never called anyone that, ever. She grinned back at me and unable to resist, I enfolded her in my arms. At first keeping her arms to her side, she took only a second to wrap her arms around me as well. When we finally pulled apart, she appeared a little embarrassed. She cleared her throat again before she spoke.

"So wait... You found your emails just now? How is that possible that I had the wrong email address? Aish... Haitai, that sneaky punk... He must have known I was trying to get it so he hid it from me."

"Oh... Haitai gave it to you?"

"Well... Not exactly..."

"You didn't, by any chance, steal it, did you?" When she didn't respond I tried to adopt a stern voice. "Na Jeong-ah, you know that's illegal right?" Seeing her trying to avoid looking at me, I decided to stop teasing her before she was convinced I was serious. "Jagiya... Look at me." She finally lifted her eyes to mine. "It's okay. I won't report you." She kept a serious expression on her face until I nudged her side to get her to smile again.

We went into the elevator, and as we waited to arrive on my floor, I noted her wringing her hands in front of her. Here I was worrying that I was the only one anxious. The adrenaline that had me running to where she worked was now wearing off and I felt tired all of a sudden.

The elevator door finally opened and I stepped out. I turned and offered her my hand as she walked out. Hands locked together, we walked towards my apartment. I entered my code and held the door open as she hesitantly walked in. Thanking the heavens that I am not normally an untidy person, I watched as she looked around my apartment.

"Wow, Joon-ah... It's so clean and tidy!" She exclaimed. "This looks better than some hotel rooms."

I watched her as she trailed her fingers over the furniture. I smiled as she took in the floor to ceiling windows that provided me a view of the city.

"Is this expensive to rent?" She asked.

"No... Uhmm... I bought this with my contract money," I answered, a little embarrassed. "I really wanted to have something of my own."

"This is beautiful. Really." She looked deep in thought before she spoke again. "Joon-ah, I know this might be too soon to ask, but are you still planning on leaving permanently? You mentioned that when you were over at dinner." She continued looking out the windows.

"Na Jeong-ah, I have to leave by early February tops. I have to go back and finish my contract. But it's different now. I'll come back. I won't stay there. No matter what happens, I'll come back."

She turned around then, a smile on her face. I still can't believe that she's here. With even more wonder, I can't believe she's mine. She took off her coat and rested it on a chair. I saw her rub her hands on her arms and I realized that she must be cold too. I noted her wet hair and feet and scolded myself for being so thoughtless.

I excused myself for a minute and she nodded. Glancing at her on my way to the kitchen, I saw that she had resumed looking around the apartment and was now examining a framed picture of me on the wall. I turned the kettle on and walked to the bathroom to get towels. I went to my bedroom and grabbed a change of clothing. Walking back out to the living room I vaguely thought that I must be more tired than I had previously thought. All those sleepless nights and stress must have caught up to me because I feel sleepy now, of all times.

"Na Jeong-ah, here," I said, offering her a couple of towels. "My bedroom is just right there," pointing behind me. At her startled expression I chuckled. "I only meant that you can change in my bedroom. I didn't know what you wanted to change into, but help yourself to anything in the closet. When you're done just give me your wet clothes so I can start drying them for you."

She walked towards me and took the towels. As our fingers touched I felt a jolt of electricity go through me and I was reminded again that we were behind closed doors, by ourselves. I pulled my hand away self-consciously and watched as a smug smile formed on her face, almost as if she was just realizing that she had an almost instantaneous effect on me.

As she was walking towards the bedroom, I busied myself in the kitchen. "Na Jeong-ah, do you want some coffee or tea?" I called out to her.

"Tea's good," I heard her respond as she closed my bedroom door. All of a sudden it hit me that Sung Na Jeong is in my bedroom. Getting undressed. I felt my body respond at the thought and to keep my mind off any more thoughts of Na Jeong and the state of her clothing, I did what I always did when I'm nervous to calm myself down. I started singing the Korean national anthem in my head.

Within a few minutes the tea was made and I was in control again. I grabbed the remaining towels and the clothes I had put out and made my way to my bathroom. I took off my shirt and dried my hair. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw that my face was flushed. Thinking it must just be from the excitement of the night, I rinsed my face with cool water and had just started drying it when I heard Na Jeong's voice distantly asking where the laundry room was.

"Na Jeong-ah, I'll be right there. I'm..." I stopped abruptly when the bathroom door opened and I saw Na Jeong standing there.

Holding her clothing in her hands, her hair was wrapped in a towel, she was barefoot and her face was devoid of any makeup. She was wearing one of my white shirts, entirely too big on her slender frame, and a pair of my sweatpants, rolled up to her knees. She should have looked ridiculous but I thought she looked perfect. I opened my lips a few times to speak but no words would come out. I watched as a blush spread from her face to her neck and realized that I was still standing by the sink without a shirt. Her mouth opened slightly at her surprise. When our eyes met, I swallowed a curse.

Here we go again, I thought. "Until the day when the East Sea's waters and Mt. Baekdu are dry and worn away, God protect and preserve us. Long live our nation! Three thousand Li of splendid rivers and mountains, filled with Roses of Sharon; Great Korean People, stay true to the Great Korean way."

## November 17, 2000

##  10:45 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

Once I closed Joon's bedroom door, I leaned myself back against it. My hand went to my chest, where my heart was beating ridiculously fast. I should be cold in my current state but my body felt so warm. I had to rub the goose bumps away earlier when I saw Joon looking at me. It felt like my nerve endings were all alive. I remembered the way he watched me and had to stop myself from giggling like a school girl.

Na Jeong-ah... Stay cool, I reminded myself. How? How can I stay cool when my man is incredibly, insanely hot? My man... Sighing, I acknowledged that though I just started, I will never get tired of calling him that. And now I'll never have to stop. See? I told myself. Persistence does pay off. I love Joon so much I would have been perfectly fine waiting for him longer, but I can't deny how pleased I am that I didn't have to. After everything that's happened the last eleven months, I can't believe that it's all changed so quickly.

I walked towards the middle of the bedroom and observed with pleasure that Joon is so neat. The bed was made perfectly and when I opened his closet, I was astounded to see everything folded neatly and colour coordinated. Lovingly I ran my fingers over his clothes, and over the jerseys that hung in his closet. It looked like he's kept all of the jerseys from all the teams he had ever played for. Who knew he was so sentimental?

I may have known him for years already, but there was still so much I had to learn about Joon. That's okay, though, because I can spend my whole lifetime getting to know him completely.

Settling on a simple white shirt and a pair of his sweatpants, I quickly changed my damp clothes and put them in a neat pile on the table. I rolled up the cuffs of his sweatpants to my knees lest I trip on them and humiliate myself. Worrying about my makeup running all over my face, I tried to look for a mirror but I didn't find one in Joon's room, which I thought was crazy. Well, it's a good sign I guess... At least my man's not vain.

Drying my hair with the towel he'd given me, I exited his room with my clothes and looked in my purse for my makeup wipes and cleaned my face. Taking a sip of the tea he'd so thoughtfully made for me, I decided to look for the dryer myself while I waited for him to finish dressing.

"Joon-ah, where's your laundry room?" I called out, opening one of the linen closets. Unsuccessful I started looking for where it could possibly be when I vaguely heard a response from him coming from somewhere. I opened the next door and saw Joon standing over the sink shirtless.

His skin looked like the lightest, most lickable shade of caramel I have ever seen, no doubt from playing and training under the sun all these months. I watched, entranced, as a rivulet of water started making its way from his face down his neck. That lucky water droplet moved ever so swiftly down his neck to his broad chest, also gleaming with moisture. His chest was bare and looked so smooth I had to hold myself back from touching to confirm my theory. I continued to follow the water droplet as it lingered over the muscles on his stomach and then down further until it disappeared into his waistband. I felt a flush creep over my neck and I'm embarrassed to admit I seriously felt like fanning myself right now. My eyes met his and the intense way he was studying me with took my breath away. I opened my mouth slightly to get some air and realized that I was panting. I was so taken off guard that my hands started shaking and I dropped what I was carrying on his feet.

I bent down to pick them up and mumbling an apology as I stood back up, I was mortified to see that my face was now just inches away from the front of his pants. Instinctively I looked more closely. Of course. How can I not? I don't know how long I stayed the way I was but... I could swear that there was a shift in his pants when Joon brought his hand down and blocked my view before I could examine him further. I stood up quickly to see Joon unable to look at me. He was looking at the wall behind me instead, and appeared to be muttering something to himself under his breath about mountains. Mountains? Why mountains of all things at this time? Feeling a bit confused still, our eyes met and I decided that surely it can't be safe for both of us to be in such a cramped space. I turned to leave the bathroom and in my haste bumped into the wall instead.

"Na Jeong-ah," he said, worry in his voice. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I said absently, not looking back at him. Heart pounding in anticipation and face reddening in humiliation, I sprinted to the living room and put my clothes down on the coffee table. I sat down on the couch and started brushing my hair. I pretended to be unaffected as Joon made his way out of the bathroom, now dressed in a long sleeved shirt and a new set of sweatpants. He stopped at the kitchen to grab the tray with the tea and brought it to the living room. He picked up my clothes from the table and brought them to the farthest door to the right. Within a few seconds, I heard the tumble dryer start and he came into view again. Sitting down a couple of feet from me, I heard him clear his throat.

"Ahh, Na Jeong-ah," he said. I could swear I heard some nervousness in his voice but I'm too aware of him right now to even turn my face to his. "Should we watch television?"

"Okay," I answered, my voice strained.

He turned the television on and started flipping the channels until we were watching the news. The silence in the room deafening, I thought about topics that we can talk about. The weather? I thought. No... Talk of the weather will lead to talking about rain where we kissed. Sports? I shook my head... That might lead to us talking about his game and I might blurt out how sexy I think he is playing baseball. Our friends? Absolutely not! Talk of Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin might lead to talks about Samcheonpo, the place, and it might lead to talking about our first kiss, and we can't talk about Binggrae because he's at his honeymoon, and we know what happens during a honeymoon, so no... I must be really nervous. Even my thoughts are babbling. I need to calm down. I was still thinking about this when his voice interrupted me.

"Na Jeong-ah..." My hands clammy, I refused to meet his eyes. "... Are you okay?"

"Yeah... Why?" I asked.

"Jagiya, please look at me." Reluctantly I turned my eyes to his. He leaned over towards my face and expecting to be kissed, I closed my eyes. "Na Jeong-ah..." He paused and I continued waiting. Just kiss me already! "You have a small bump on your forehead. I think I'll need to get you some ice." I opened my eyes swiftly to see his face an inch from mine, his eyes examining my forehead, and his eyebrows drawn in concern. His lips were so close, and impulsively I closed the gap between our lips and pressed a soft kiss on him. I saw his eyes widen in shock before they closed.

I teased his lips with my teeth and my tongue until I gained entry into his mouth. With a swift intake of breath he opened his mouth and his tongue met mine. I moaned and continued to kiss him as his hands pulled me closer. Our positions on the couch prevented me from getting as close as I wanted and frustrated, I shifted my position over him until I was straddling his lap. So much better, I thought to myself as I weaved my arms around his neck. His chest against mine, I couldn't help but feel pleased that his heart was beating just as fast as mine, if not faster. Even as his mouth continued to move over mine, I noticed that he felt warm as well. No, not warm, he felt unusually hot. Unwillingly, I tore my lips away from his and put my hand on his forehead. I put my ear on his chest and I counted his heart rate silently. I met his gaze, still cloudy with passion, and spoke.

"Jagiya... You feel hot and your heart is beating really, really fast," I said.

"Na Jeong-ah, of course I feel hot and my heart is beating fast. You're on top of me and we were just kissing."

I blinked at him. "No, Jagiya, that's not what I meant. I meant that I think you have a fever." Looking down I saw that my thighs were still splayed over his hips and for a second, I was tempted to resume what we were doing. However, my guilty conscience wouldn't let me. How can I think of myself even in this situation? Reluctantly, I disentangled my legs from him and sat down on my side of the couch. Three feet? No... Four feet was a safe distance. "Do you have a thermometer in the house?" I looked over at him and saw that his eyes were closed. "Jagiya?" I asked, and he didn't respond. Figuring that he had fallen asleep, I stood up and grabbed my phone from my purse.

I hoped as I dialled the boarding house number that Omma would still be up and that she'd be the one to answer the phone. After the fifth ring, I finally heard someone answer.

"Hello?" I heard Omma's asked.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I spoke. "Omma, it's me."

"Na Jeong-ah, where are you? We were expecting you home hours ago."

"Well... I was at work till late. I had called earlier, didn't Haitai tell you? Anyway I worked until about an hour and a half ago, but then Joon was there. To make a long story short, I'm with Joon right now and he's sick so I'm going to stay and take care of him."

"Na Jeong-ah..." Omma's voice sounded weird all of a sudden, like she was watching her words carefully. "He does know you're there right? You didn't sneak in there while he was asleep, right?"

"OMMA!" I exclaimed, outraged that she would think I was capable of such behaviour, even though I was. "Of course he knows I'm here! I'll be back in the morning to get a change of clothes. Good night."

I hung up the phone before she could warn me of the dangers of staying with a healthy virile young man on my own. Joon is hardly in any condition to be taking advantage of anyone, and even if he wasn't, he would never do that. Not that I would need that much persuading anyway, I conceded to myself. That man makes my knees weak.

Walking back to the couch, I sat down next to him and looked at him in concern. Rifling through my purse, I found a bottle of tablets and took them out. I tried to wake him up and sleepily he opened his eyes.

"Na Jeong-ah, you're still here?" He asked. I nodded and smiled at him. "I'm sorry I can't walk you home but I don't feel good now." He started dozing off again, and I shook him to keep him awake long enough to try to get him to the bedroom.

"Joon-ah, let's get you to bed, okay?" I said gently. "I need you to stand up, and I'll be right here. Just put your arm around me and I'll help you okay?"

He didn't give me a response but stood up. I placed his arm around my shoulder and led him to his bedroom. Grabbing a glass of water from the kitchen, I had him sit up and take some medicine before he laid down. After wrapping the covers more tightly around him, I padded to the bathroom in search of a washcloth. Finding one, I soaked it in cold water and went back to the bedroom to wipe his face down. I placed it on his forehead and settled myself down next to him. Now exhausted from this very long day, I, too, fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

## November 18, 2000

##  10:45 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

I woke up to Joon trembling on the bed, his teeth chattering. Putting my hand to his forehead, I noted that he still felt hot, although not as hot as last night. Reminding myself to go to the pharmacy to get stronger medication, I quickly took his shirt off, now soaked in sweat and took a fresh shirt from his closet. It was a struggle to get his arms into the holes but I managed to get him dressed without disturbing him overly much.

After I got out of bed, I went to the kitchen and surveyed his cabinets. Aigoo, I thought, what grown man doesn't have anything in his cupboards but a small bag of rice? Shaking my head I mused that this must be why he's sick. Well, this and standing in the rain for hours. I opened the refrigerator and was relieved to see a stack of food in it. Recognizing my mother's containers, I happily pulled out the bag of rice and the large container of cabbage kimchi.

I searched under his counter for a pot, and finding one I placed it on the stovetop. I quickly made some kimchi jigae, in case he woke up and wanted something to eat. While waiting for the stew to be ready, I measured out the rice and water and turned the rice cooker on. I boiled the kettle and fixed him a cup of tea. I went to the laundry room and fished out my clothes from last night and quickly changed in the bathroom. On my way back to the bedroom to check on Joon, I started looking for a piece of paper and pen to write him a note in case he worried about where I was when he woke up. Unable to find them in any of the kitchen drawers, I opened his bedside table drawer. I spotted a notepad and a pen and was pulling them out when I saw the photo underneath.

It was a picture of me, taken at Yoon Jin's wedding. I remember it distinctly because Yoon Jin requested the photographer to take a picture of just me. Not really wanting to cooperate, I pouted for a few minutes then smiled awkwardly until the photographer told me to think of the person I loved. And so I thought of Joon, and the photographer captured my expression perfectly. My eyes looked soft, and my lips were turned up slightly, like I was caught daydreaming. I looked at Joon tenderly, lost in sleep. My heart felt so full with love I wanted to just curl up next to him again and wait for him to wake up.

However, I have things to do before coming back, so I quickly wrote him a note after putting the remaining pills along with a glass of water and a cup of tea at his bedside.

Jagiya,

There's cooked rice and kimchi jigae in the kitchen if you're hungry. Make sure you take the pills when you wake up, okay? Drink the tea too so you have something else in your stomach.

I'll be back in a little bit. I love you.

Your Na Jeong

Exiting his building, I took a cab home, figuring that it would get me home quicker so I can get back to Joon faster. Once I arrived at home, I quietly opened the door only to find everyone in the living room.

"Na Jeong-ah, you're home," Haitai greeted.

"It's almost noon and you missed breakfast," Appa said. "Is Chilbong okay?"

At the mention of Joon's name, I couldn't help the rush of pleasure inside my chest. "Yeah, Appa, he'll be okay. I have to go back after I go to the pharmacy. He still has a fever."

I went to my room before they could ask any more questions. I really would rather reveal to all of them that we were now together, well, together. After grabbing a bag from my closet, I went to the bathroom and got washed up. I pulled my hair into a bun and went back to my room to pack another day's worth of clothes. I was looking in the cabinets for some health drinks when I heard my father speak.

"Na Jeong-ah, Chilbong knows you're there, right?" Appa said. Feeling myself balk at what he's implied, I walked back to the living room.

"AISH... WHY DOES EVERYONE ASK ME IF HE KNOWS I'M THERE? I'M NOT A STALKER!" I shoved the drinks into my bag and took a deep calming breath before continuing. "I wasn't going to tell you this yet, but Joon and I are together." When I received no response, I added, "Officially."

My father burst out laughing and for one second I thought that he was laughing at the television until I looked over and saw that it has been turned off.

"What?" He said, in disbelief. "Chilbong just said two days ago that he was moving to America. And you two barely spoke to each other. And you expect me to believe that you're his girlfriend?"

Appa was laughing so hard he was holding his stomach. Omma, carrying a sleeping Sook Sook, kept elbowing him to stop. Haitai just kept looking at me with his mouth open.

I lifted my chin as I prepared to leave. "You guys think whatever you want. I have to go back to my sick boyfriend now."

"Don't forget your brother's party tomorrow!" I heard Omma call out as I put my shoes back on and quickly left. I walked a few blocks to the pharmacy before hailing a cab back to Joon's place. On my way up in the elevator, I thanked God that I was paying attention to him when he was typing in his door code. Once I got to his door, I looked around to make sure no one was watching before typing in "1231". The lock clicked off and I entered his apartment.

It looked just as I left it. Putting the health drinks in the cabinet, I saw that the food remained untouched. I silently walked into Joon's room, not wanting to disturb him. He looked like he was still asleep, but his colour looked better. I sat down on the side of the bed and looked at his bedside table. The pills were gone, the glass of water empty and the cup of tea has been drank as well. Well that's something at least. I was getting up to go back to the living room when I saw that he had written something underneath what I wrote on my note.

I love you more.

Shaking my head that his competitive nature was just about as strong as mine, I laid myself down on the bed next to him. I watched him as he slept, tracing his eyebrows with my finger. I smoothed his hair over his forehead and cupped his cheek in my palm. Not able to resist I placed a chaste kiss on his soft lips. I can lay right here with him for the rest of my life and I would be perfectly happy. As I was pulling away his eyes opened slowly, and as soon as he saw my face he smiled.

"I thought I was dreaming," he whispered. "You came back."

"Yeah, I came back," I responded. "Where else would I be? Being right here, with you, is where I belong."

"I'm sorry I got sick," he said. "I don't know what happened. One minute I was in heaven kissing you and then I passed out."

"It's okay." I scooted closer to him until the length of him under the blanket was touching the length of my body on top of the blanket. "Are you hungry? I made food. Will you eat something? It would make me feel better."

Joon coughed in his hand before he responded. "Okay... Let me get up."

"No, jagiya... Stay here. I'll bring it to you. Don't move," I ordered him. I got up and quickly fixed a tray with a big bowl of the stew and two smaller bowls of rice, along with two glasses of water. Balancing the tray on my hands, I returned to Joon's room. He was sitting up in bed and I carefully put down the tray in front of him. I sat myself down next to him and picked up my bowl. He looked like he didn't have much of an appetite but I watched with relief as he tried to eat some of rice. I was about to eat a spoonful of stew when Joon spoke.

"Na Jeong-ah... Uhmm, who writes an email that just says 'Hi'?" He asked.

I gave him an embarrassed smile. "I didn't know how you were going to respond! You left in January and that was in July... I wasn't going to just say 'I love you' when you haven't heard from me in months. I thought you would freak out!"

"I liked all of them though... Especially the ones that say you love me and miss me." As if feeling like he may have revealed too much, he quickly looked away. Aigoo, like a kid, I thought. He's so cute when he's embarrassed. "Jagiya, exactly how many days did you visit my mother before she spoke to you?"

I mentally counted the days in my head before I responded. "Hm... Not too many... Maybe five days? No, six. She finally gave in on the sixth day."

"You know my mother told me she would never share that recipe with anyone, except my future wife."

I almost choked on my rice. Unable to hide my pleasure at this piece of news, I smiled at him. "Really?" I'm trying not to sound too eager, but it's not working. I looked at Joon with what probably looked like a goofy grin on my face, and I don't even care. At first he gazed back shyly at me before he broke out with the same goofy grin.

"Jagiya... Ppo ppo!," I asked as I leaned over towards him with my lips puckered.

"I'm not kissing you while I'm sick."

"But I kissed you before!" I protested.

"I was asleep. Kissing me while I'm asleep and kissing me while I'm awake are... Two... Completely... Different... Things," he quipped back, looking at my lips. "If I kiss you I won't be able to stop, sick or not, so yeah... We can't kiss until I have my energy back."

Speechless I could only nod at him. His handsome face looked tired, but he still looked amazing. Even as he sat next to me I was reminded of every kiss we ever shared. I blushed at the memory and he seemed to know exactly what was on my mind. I looked away, trying to hide my thoughts.

Not wanting to push temptation I asked him if he was done eating and I took the tray back to the kitchen to clean up. By the time I got back to the bedroom he was almost asleep again and I kept him up long enough to take more medication before I let him rest.

I spent the rest of the day reading one of my magazines and tidying up the kitchen. I went to the grocery store and picked up more supplies. I washed the shirt he had been wearing and watched television as I waited for it to dry. I woke him every few hours to have him take more medication. I was engrossed in mundane tasks, but I've never been happier.

Later on that day, I made my way back to the bedroom after changing back into his shirt. I took my hair down and seeing him still asleep, I went under the covers and put my arms around him. I listened to the slow steady rhythm of his heart and fell asleep with a smile on my face.

## November 19, 2000

##  9:00 a.m.

##  Chilbong

When I woke up, Na Jeong was all over me. I meant, literally all over me. Her hair was all over my face, her arm draped all over my chest and her long legs entwined with mine. For a few minutes I wondered if I had dreamt the last two days when the memory of Na Jeong straddling me on the couch came back full force.

I am definitely feeling better.

I glanced at her face, so peaceful in her sleep and felt my heart soften. Trying to decide whether I should get up or stay here like this, I stared at the ceiling to keep me distracted. Her arm shifted down my chest until her hand rested on my lower stomach. Instinctively my abdominal muscles tightened in response and I tried to keep my feelings in check. I closed my eyes and took a few calming breaths. She smelled delicious. Everywhere I've been, I have never ever smelled anything that replicated how Na Jeong does.

Watching her sleep, like this, reminded me of the last time I got to do this. I don't know how it could seem both just like yesterday and a lifetime ago, but it does. In my mind I could see Na Jeong clearly throughout all the years that I've loved her. Her every expression was imprinted into my memory. I know what she looked like happy and sad. I know what she looked like angry. I even know what she looked like in love but I never thought the day would come when I would get to see the expression on her face when she was in love with me.

I shifted my position in bed so that I was facing her. Her arm stayed wrapped around me but the change in position made her adjust her leg in her sleep. Na Jeong's right leg was now over my hip, putting certain body parts in very precariously close proximity. Nervous, I decided that I would just get up and let her sleep, but when I touched her cheek with my hand, she whispered, "Joon-ah," and my heart squeezed inside me... Not in pain this time, but in pleasure. I will never tire of her saying my name.

Not entirely sure if she was awake or still asleep, I pressed a kiss on her forehead before I tried to get up. As I was about to rise from the bed, I felt her grab my arm. I looked back at her and her eyes, though still sleepy, were open. She gave me a lopsided smile and I just couldn't resist getting back into the covers with her and hold her for just a few more minutes. I laid on my back and pulled her close so that her head was on my chest. It was then that I heard her voice.

"Jagiya..." She started, a little hesitant. "Are you... All better now?" She sounded so hopeful I couldn't help but chuckle.

"Yeah."

She scooted on the bed until she was laying directly on top of me. Knowing that there were now literally just pieces of clothing between us, I began to hum the national anthem again. I get the feeling I'll be doing this a lot. When I looked at her, she had her brows drawn in concentration as she started moving on top of me, as if trying to get comfortable. I gritted my teeth as I felt her breasts on my chest, her legs all around me and her core against mine. All the friction she was creating was driving me crazy and I hardened in response. She seemed unaware of what she was doing until I firmly grasped both her arms.

"Na Jeong-ah... Just lay still. Please."

"Am I hurting you? Am I too heavy?" She asked, looking at me now with concern. "What's the matter?"

"Jagiya, I'm only a man. All this wiggling you're doing is messing with my anatomy." I gave her a pointed look and watched as realization dawned on her. She bit her lip and adjusted herself so that she could feel me more firmly pressed against her stomach. Her mouth opened and then closed again.

"Oh..." She replied, getting pink in the cheeks. "Oh." She looked so adorably befuddled and I pressed a kiss on her mouth. Her lips were rose petal soft and she leaned her elbows on either side of my head for support. "More. Please." I was still thinking about how dangerous this situation was when she leaned down. "You owe me," she whispered, lips hovering over mine. "I saved your life."

"Yeah, I know." I said with a smile.

"Who else would have nursed you back to health? The world owes me," she said in an amused tone.

"I was referring to you saving me from a life of misery, but yeah, that too." I brushed my fingers over her cheek and saw her eyes fill with emotion.

"Joon-ah..."

My mouth went back on hers and she pressed herself against me. Her eyes stayed open, watching me as I kissed her. Heart pounding I felt her mouth open in surrender and our tongues met gently and tenderly. She closed her eyes and sighed in my mouth. I could have kissed her, I would have kissed her forever like this, but when I felt her nipples harden against my chest, some self-control broke and I found myself rolling on top of her as my arms wrapped around her. Her legs instinctively wrapped around my waist, putting her heat directly in contact where I needed it most. Feeling like I was almost to the point of no return, I dragged my lips away from hers. She pouted but opened her eyes anyway.

"Jagiya... If I do something you don't like or if you feel like we're going too fast you'll tell me, right?"

She nodded then grabbed the collar of my shirt closer. Her fingers running through my hair, she kept nipping on my lower lip until I gave in. The intensity of our kiss grew as our tongues mated and our hands wandered. I felt her shallow breathing and her heart beating on my chest. I sucked on her lips and I heard her moan. My hands on her hair, I pressed kisses on her face, until her mouth beckoned me back and I was lost. I scattered kisses on her neck, her head moving to one side to allow me greater access. Instead of bolting off the bed when my hand touched the underside of her breast, she only tightened her hold on me. I could feel her trembling, her eyes watching as I nipped on her shoulder. I felt her hand reach between us and then felt the warmth of her fingers making its way up to my chest. I felt her tugging on my hem of my shirt when I heard my phone ring. I tried to ignore it when I felt Na Jeong licking my earlobe but then I realized that I never called my manager back. Shit!

"Jagiya..." I said as I looked at her face. "I have to get that. I'm sorry," I watched as her eyes opened and her brows furrowed in confusion. I smoothed her brows before giving her a quick peck and got up out of bed. "I'll be right back."

I had just pressed the call button when I heard Dong Joon's voice.

"Joon-ah, you didn't forget, right? Jin Yi and I are still away and I promised Omma and Coach that you would come to Sook Sook's birthday party."

"No... Yeah... I forgot," I answered, running frustrated fingers through my hair. I shouldn't have forgotten... His sister is in my bed. Na Jeong is in my bed!

"You can't miss it. He's been asking about you since we watched your game."

"Okay, okay. I'll definitely be there."

"You better hurry up then. The party starts in two hours and I'll bet you don't have a gift either."

"Dong Joon-ah, I got it. I'm going." I hung up the phone and stopped in the kitchen to get a glass of water before going back to the bedroom. As I walked in I saw Na Jeong sitting up, her long hair mussed around her face, her eyes still soft. Her lips looked tender and when she met my eyes, I was really tempted to just join her in bed and lock ourselves in my room all day. Sighing to myself, I walked over to the bed and sat myself down carefully on the side of it.

"Why are you sitting all the way over there?" She asked, "When I'm right here?" She moved behind me and put her arms around my neck.

"Na Jeong-ah, we have to get up." I said, as she moved her lips to my neck. "Jagiya." I was having trouble remembering what I was saying with all her kissing. "We have to go to your house." I turned around and looked at her. "Your brother's birthday party, remember? I can't miss it."

"We can come a little late. They won't care," she whispered as she started tugging on my shirt again.

The temptation too much, I stood up and faced her. "I can't be late."

"What are you talking about? My brother is turning 6, Joon-ah. I don't really think he'll be judgmental," she teased. "Besides he's missed you so much he'll just be happy to see you."

"I'm not talking about Sook Sook. I was referring to your parents."

"My parents love you. You've lived in the house!" She exclaimed. "They talk about you more than they talk about me."

"It's different now," I said, shaking my head at her.

"Why? Why is it different? What happened?"

"Jagiya, we happened."

"Yeah but..." I knew what she was going to say.

"I'm not going to be sneaking around on dates with you. I respect you and your family too much for that. So, I want to do this right." Her expression softened before she broke out into a smile. "We'll sit your parents down tonight and tell them. I want to make sure that they know that I have honourable intentions towards you."

"Fine."

She got up out of bed and it was only then that I noticed that she was only wearing my shirt. Her long legs were bare and as she stretched, the hem of the shirt rose dangerously high. My mouth was suddenly parched, and I wasn't sure whether I wanted her to stop or to keep going. She pulled her hair up in a ponytail before looking back at me over her shoulder. She gave me a dazzling smile and I turned away before I changed my mind.

"I'm... I'm going to take a shower," I mumbled. Yeah, a cold shower. I grinned in spite of myself shook my head at the strangeness of this whole situation.

An hour and a half later, we were on our way to the boarding house. I kept my left hand on the steering wheel while Na Jeong held my right hand securely in hers. She hasn't let go of my hand since we left the apartment, not even as we shopped for a present for her little brother. I ended up buying him a model airplane, as Na Jeong mentioned that he really liked planes. I looked over at her as she kept her eyes out the window and I couldn't help the grin on my face. I tried to keep my mind off kissing her by concentrating on the road.

"Joon-ah... I never told you, right?" She asked. "I have a favourite colour now." Surprised, I glanced back at her. "It's red. Know why?"

I shook my head no. She waited until I had parked the car before she answered.

"It's because every time I see it I think of love, and it reminded me of you when you were away." Her eyes met mine and she beckoned me closer. I leaned over as she said, "And you look really, really, really good in red." She winked at me before giving me a small kiss. "Let's go." She gave my hand one last squeeze before opening the car door.

## A few hours later...

##  Chilbong

"WHAT?!?!" Coach looked at me in astonishment. "Are you crazy?"

We were all sitting together eating dinner after the party and after Sook Sook has been put to bed. The party had been a success and I was happy that I made it. As soon as Sook Sook saw me, he ran over, arms outstretched, screaming "Hyung!!!" Sook Sook then told me that Omma and Coach talked to him about me all the time and they all watched my games together on television when I was gone. Then he whispered conspiratorially, "Noona showed me your pictures. She said you are my mae hyung."

All I could say in response was, "Is that right?" Being an only child, I have never had the joy of having a little brother. Talking to him reminded me of the time when I used to sing him to sleep when he was a baby and the little amount of time I got to spend with him in January, before I left for America. I can't wait to spend more time with him.

I had looked at Na Jeong, sitting between her parents and Yoon Jin, laughing at something someone said. When our eyes met I felt so humbled and so happy.

I coughed at the shock in Coach's voice and beside me Na Jeong was bristling with indignation. I held her hand comfortingly as I scanned the faces around us. Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo were smiling, while Haitai and Ae Jung kept volleying back and forth between me and Coach.

"No, Coach-nim. I'm not crazy, but Na Jeong and I are together."

"You're dating?" Omma asked, concern in her voice. I'm pretty sure she was trying to figure out whether we were in a causal relationship or if it was pretty serious already. Had it been with anyone else but Na Jeong I would have been hesitant to respond. However... I shook my head no before I responded.

"No, Omma. We're not just dating. We're together."

Again everybody fell silent. Suddenly Haitai stood up and said, "Congratulations!" before Ae Jung tugged his sleeves and motioned for him to sit back down.

"But Chilbong-ah..." Coach said, throwing glances over to Na Jeong but not meeting her eyes. "Why would you want her?"

"APPA!" Na Jeong yelled beside me. "HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT ABOUT YOUR OWN DAUGHTER? AISH..." She looked like she was about to start slinging food at her father. "You're supposed to interrogate him! You're supposed to say, 'Are you worthy of my daughter?' Not the other way around!"

She was about to say something else when I turned to her and asked her to calm down. She gave me a sheepish smile before glaring at Coach. I had to shake my head, thinking how strange this whole situation was and how nice it was that some things never seems to change here.

"Chilbong-ah... You can still change your mind. Just look at the way she's sitting! And look at the way she talks to her own father! That girl has no manners. How are you, a global baseball star, going to show her off? You should date a model or something," Coach continued.

Fully expecting another outburst from Na Jeong, I was taken by surprise when I looked over at her and she was just frowning into her bowl of rice. She looked lost in thought, and I made a mental note to ask about it later.

"No, Coach. Na Jeong is perfect just the way she is." I felt some approving glances directed my way and saw Yoon Jin and Omma smiling at me happily.

"Don't say I didn't warn you, Chilbong-ah. It's a good thing you're rich because Na Jeong eats a lot."

"APPA!" Na Jeong said, thoroughly exasperated. "If you say anything else I won't be your daughter anymore."

"Aishhh... Who are you threatening now, gashina? Is it my fault you eat like a man?" He continued his meal but still kept looking at me and shaking his head.

Thankfully Samcheonpo chose that time to stand up and clear his throat. "We also have news," he said, dragging Yoon Jin to her feet. "You guys should be the first to know that we're pregnant."

Omma and Na Jeong stood up simultaneously and ran over to Yoon Jin to hug her. I heard Coach say his congratulations as I shook Samcheonpo's hand and Haitai patted him on the back. All table talk after that centred on Yoon Jin and the baby, and I only had to listen, since I know nothing of babies.

Lost in my thoughts, I was relieved that Omma and Coach didn't voice any disapproval to mine and Na Jeong's new status, but I wondered if they had any reservations about my leaving again in three months. We'll all cross that bridge when we get there, I suppose. I'm still a bit nervous about how Na Jeong and I will handle the distance, but I remembered Bing's advice to not worry about what might or might not happen. I glanced at Na Jeong, also deep in thought, and wondered whether she was thinking about the same thing.

After dinner, we all watched television for a few minutes before I prepared to leave. I have to continue training again in the morning, and it was getting late. I said my goodbyes to Omma and Coach, who now insisted that I call him Appa as well. Unable to help it, I grinned at him as he hugged me.

"Don't forget, you can still change your mind," he whispered in my ear.

I felt Na Jeong pull me away from her father and lead me out the front door after grabbing her coat. Once we got outside, we walked hand in hand towards the car. Na Jeong was still unnaturally quiet, but I had a feeling she was thinking so I didn't press her to talk.

"Joon-ah, about San Francisco," she said.

"Yeah?" I felt strangely relieved that she's willing to talk about what will happen in three months now. Best that we have a serious discussion early on as opposed to later.

"Did you have a yellow haired girlfriend?" She pulled her hand away and continued walking ahead of me. What? Where did that come from? I was so surprised that I stopped in my tracks, but I quickly caught up with her quickly before speaking again.

"Was that why you've been quiet?" I teasingly asked.

She turned around with a fake smile on her face. "You never answered my question. Did you or did you not have a yellow haired girlfriend in San Francisco?"

I had to think about it for a minute before responding when Amanda came to mind. "Ah... I didn't have a girlfriend but I went out on a date with a blonde woman once." She was so serious I didn't want to make light of it but I couldn't help but be pleased. But... "Jagiya, are you... Jealous right now? How did you know about that?"

"Why would I be jealous?" She asked. Her voice was calm but her eyes weren't. "Who wears high heels to a baseball game anyway? 'Oohhh JJ, your face and your body are soooo hot. Ooohh JJ... You're so fantastic.' Why would I be jealous?" She met my gaze as I stood there taken aback. "I sat behind her during your game... I heard everything she said about you. When Appa brought up the whole 'you should date a model' thing, she came to mind. Someone like her is probably who people would expect you to be with. Not me." Her smile faltered and her lip started trembling. "I really really hate that I'm so sensitive about this," she said in a small voice. "I'm so stupid sometimes."

"Jagiya, come here," I opened my arms and she went into them. It's probably not the right time to tell her about Vanessa, too. I tucked her head under my chin and nuzzled her hair. "Yah... No one's allowed to talk like that about you, not even you." I gave a small chuckle. "Don't ever be ashamed of telling me how you feel. Whatever it is. And don't ever be afraid of asking me anything... I will always tell you what it is you want to know. I dated in San Francisco, but I didn't have a girlfriend. Honest." She looked up at my face. "Want to know why?" She nodded and I smiled at her. "Because no matter how much I denied it then, I still love Sung Na Jeong. Not because she's beautiful, even though she is. Not because she's kind, even though she's that too. Not just because of all those great things, but because of the not so good things too. You are the sum of your parts, and I love them all. No one's got anything on you. Understand?"

Finally, I felt her relax against me as she wrapped her arms more tightly around my waist.

"I wish you still lived here with us," she said, her voice plaintive.

"Seeing as I'm your boyfriend now, I don't even think that would be allowed and that might be a good thing. I'll never get anything done." I looked over at the house and thought I saw two heads disappear back behind the curtains. "Jagiya, I have to go."

"Ok. Let me know you got home safely." I looked at her upturned face, her eyes closed, and I knew that she wanted a kiss.

I leaned down until my mouth is right by her ear and whispered, "I want nothing more than to kiss you right now like I did this morning, but I think your parents may be watching us. So for now I'll just hug you goodbye."

She tightened her hold on me even as I heard her laughing. I kissed the top of her head and pulled away. Getting in my car, I gave her a wave and drove back to my apartment.

As soon as I got home I pulled out my phone and sent her a text.

Jagiya,

I'm home. I'll call you tomorrow. Have a good night.

I love you.

I brushed my teeth and changed my clothes. As I laid back down on my pillows I smelled a whiff of Na Jeong on my bed. Suddenly barraged by the memory of Na Jeong on top of me this morning I turned onto my stomach and buried my head on my pillow. All the changes that have happened the last few days happened so quickly that it still felt surreal.

I marvelled at how a moment's choice can really transform a life. If I hadn't come back to the boarding house New Year's Eve, none of this would have happened. And then where would I be? I was still pondering this question when I heard my phone vibrate on my table. I lifted it up and read Na Jeong's message.

I love you more.

I smiled and rested my head on my arms. I looked out my windows and admired the view. It's good to be home, I thought. It's good to be home.

## November 22, 2000

##  5:30 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

It's been two days since I saw Joon. I know I was with him all weekend, but he has to leave again in less than three months. I've become greedy. At least I can acknowledge this about myself. Having been deprived of his company for almost a year, I just wanted to spend as much time with him as possible. He calls every day and texts a lot too but it's not the same. I can't hold a text and it can't hold me back. I can't kiss a phone call and neither can it kiss me back. Though, embarrassingly, I have kissed my phone before. But only because Joon asked me to!

I sat down on the side of my bed and thought back on the last few days. After the past weekend, I went into work on Monday and saw a plant on my desk. Reading the card, I realized it was from Joon. He sent me a red orchid, said to represent extraordinary wishes for love.

Uri Na Jeong,

I made a wish once and you made it came true.

Now, together we can make wishes together.

I love you.

Joon

I swear I think I spent the whole day floating on cloud nine. How can I go from a seemingly hopeless situation to being amazingly happy in such a small amount of time? I always heard from people that you know when you've found the person you're supposed to be with, and I know now that it could be true. With Joon, there was a certainty in my life that I never had before. I feel more like myself with him than I ever have with anyone else. Despite my petty jealousies, I could never doubt his love. Is it possible to feel so sure after five days?

It hasn't been five days... It's been six years. Six years have led up to this.

The reminder of how long ago this started made me pause. Six years... he really should have made me wait a little bit longer... How did I get so lucky all of a sudden?

When I came home after work, Haitai was just leaving to go on a date. Omma and Appa left me a note saying they'll be gone for a few hours. That leaves me home alone, with no one to keep me company.

I laid down on my bed and wondered what Joon was doing. He was out on a CF promotion yesterday and when I spoke to him when he arrived home, he sounded exhausted. With his training having resumed, he spends the first three hours of the day either running or at the gym. That might account for all the new muscles I spotted when I caught him shirtless.

Unable to control the direction of my thoughts, I touched my lips as I thought of Sunday morning. I've always been a very affectionate person and I've always liked kisses. But Joon's kisses... I felt heat spread from my head down to my toes. I closed my eyes and my fingers travelled the path his lips took... I touched my neck and my collarbone. If that phone didn't ring, what else could we have done? Omo.

I sat back up. Thinking about how quickly I succumbed to his kisses, I worried briefly if my weakness for his touch made me look over-eager. What if he thinks I'm easy?

You are easy. But only with Joon. It's not like you go around kissing everyone and climbing onto bed with them. You two are in love. That's okay, right? Besides, hasn't it been six years already just to get to this point?

Right? That's what I'm saying. I nodded at my train of thought. That's true, I conceded. I should take it slow in case he wasn't ready. I'll definitely give him some time. But we can still hang out and kiss, right?

Of course you can. Neither of you are teenagers. Surely you can control yourselves.

Even as I was nodding my head, I was pulling my phone out and dialling Joon's number. I can't believe I've been so caught up in... everything that I didn't even ask for his hand phone number. If he didn't send me that first text after Sook Sook's party, I still wouldn't have it. I waited, impatiently tapping my finger on the table, until he answered.

"Na Jeong-ah, I thought you were working until 6," I heard him say.

"I finished work early. What are you doing?" I asked. "I'm home by myself."

"Yeah? You want to go out to eat?"

NO! That's not what I want. "Ah... Jagiya... I would but my back is hurting. You need to come help me! " I cringed as the little white lie slipped out of my mouth so easily.

"Do you need to borrow my brace? I'll bring it over and you can keep it," he said helpfully.

"Yeah, that's good," I responded. "Joon-ah, that's good, but what I really need is a massage. Remember? The massage you did years ago. It... It really helped."

"Really? Do you need something from the pharmacy too?" When I said no, he continued. "Okay... Give me a few minutes so I can shower and I'll be over."

Mmm, Joon. Shower. I mentally slapped myself for thinking about that now. We're just going to hang out. I decided to confess my little white lie as soon as he got here. This is ridiculous. Why would I lie?

Uhmm, you wanted to get close to him without looking like you did?

I tsked at myself while looking in my closet for something to wear. I pulled out a dress with a neckline that's a little lower than what I'm used to. Then I realized that I can't wear it... I'm supposed to be in pain.

Sighing to myself I realized that now I have to pretend like I'm hurt. This is why lying is bad. In the end I settled on a pair of black yoga pants and my Yonsei University shirt. I wondered if I should put any makeup on, but decided on just lip-gloss. I spritzed on some perfume and waited for Joon to come.

## November 22, 2000

##  5:45 p.m.

##  Chilbong

I stopped by the store to get Na Jeong the newest and best back brace I could find. Stopping at the ddukbokki stall, I picked some up for her too. That girl would never say no to ddukbokki. I'll take care of her the way she took care of me. I haven't seen her in 67 hours, 45 minutes and, looking at my watch, 27 seconds. Not that I'm counting.

I've tried to make the transition for myself and Na Jeong from being just friends to girlfriend/boyfriend as smooth as possible. I didn't want to crowd her, so I tried to move along the last couple of days very gently. I called every day, but didn't insist on meeting up. I answered her texts, but didn't pressure to see her. I've never been anyone's boyfriend before and I'm afraid of messing it up. If I asked to see her every time I've thought of her, I would be having her move into my apartment. And it's way too soon for that, isn't it?

I was so happy when I saw her calling this evening. I had just gotten home, and I was contemplating of visiting the boarding house anyway. When she mentioned that she was home by herself, I thought she would be uncomfortable that we would be there by ourselves so I offered to take her out, but I didn't realize that her back had been bothering her again. Omma mentioned it when I visited them, but I've seen no sign that it was an issue since. I wondered if I can convince her to go see a specialist.

Parking the car in front of the boarding house, I vowed to myself that today will not be another repeat of Sunday. As enjoyable as it was, I don't want to move too fast and scare her. For me, it may have been six years already, but this is fairly new to her. Or at least, new with me. That weekend had been an exception... We were both coming down from the highest of highs, but now we need to figure out how we will work in real life. Or so I keep reminding myself.

Locking the car I walked up to the boarding house and knocked on the door. I saw her walk over very quickly, then she slowed down and put her hand on her back when she spotted me. Hmm, that's strange. Na Jeong isn't usually able to stand up straight when she's in pain but her posture is perfect. Maybe the pain is not too bad today.

When I entered the house, I could smell a whiff of her perfume as she walked by me. She was wearing a blue shirt with Yonsei University on the centre. When she turned around I saw that the back had "Kim" and my number. I felt the urge to kiss her so badly I had to remind myself that we were in her parents' house. Instead I called her name and awkwardly handed what I brought her instead.

"What's this?" She asked, looking at what I handed her more closely.

"I bought you the newest back brace available. This one heats up and everything. They said it's really effective," I answered, a little curious as to why she was avoiding my eyes. "I got you some ddukbokki too." She looked up at me then, and I was taken aback by how pretty her eyes were today. They seemed even more sparkling than usual. When she bit her lips, she drew attention to her mouth, all shiny and pink and I had to clear my throat. She kept on holding my gaze so I walked over to the shelves to distract myself before I forget all my good intentions.

"That's so thoughtful. Jagiya," I heard her say from behind me. "Can you... Can you massage my back? It's been hurting since earlier today."

"Ahh, okay."

"Should we do it in my room?" She said. She walked to the kitchen and dropped the ddukbokki off on the counter.

Do what in your room? Oh yeah, massage, Joon, MASSAGE. I followed her into her room and tried not to admire the way her black pants hugged her hips. I can't believe I'm thinking about other things when she was in pain. I am a terrible person. I berated myself silently when she laid herself down on the floor.

As I kneeled on the floor next to her, I was reminded of the only time I did this. I can't believe it's already been six years. I started stretching her legs first, trying not to notice how long they were. I felt her watching me as I tried to concentrate on what I was doing. I tried to keep myself from pulling her to me by making small talk.

"Na Jeong-ah, what did you do today?" I asked, lifting her right leg over her left. I was surprised when I didn't hear her groan in pain like she did the last time.

"I thought of you." I looked at her and saw that she was blushing.

"And what did you do yesterday?" I moved to her other side and stretched her other leg over her right.

"I thought of you then, too."

"Yeah, me too," I said, going through a couple more stretches. She didn't say any more, and I was grateful for the silence. As I prepared to do the final stretch, I took her sock covered feet and pushed forward as her knees went towards her chest. I straightened her legs out and prepared to do an even longer stretch. "One more time, Jagiya," I told her.

"Okay," she replied. "Joon-ah, aren't you going to ask me what I've been thinking about?" I had just pushed her knees up towards her chest when I realized that I was now directly on top of her, with only her knees separating us. "Aren't you curious to know what I've been thinking about?" She repeated.

This was the same exact position that got me in trouble years ago. It was in this same position when I realized I liked her. Now here we were, back here again, and my heart started racing. After this weekend I realized that the national anthem doesn't work on calming me down when she's this close. I really need to figure out another way. I couldn't meet her eyes and took some deep breaths in an attempt to relax. I could feel her eyes on my face. I knew if I looked down we would be in trouble. She would lure me with her eyes and her mouth, and I wouldn't be able to resist. I was still contemplating this situation when she answered her own question.

"I thought about kissing you. I really really like kissing you," Na Jeong said, her voice husky. She cleared her throat and continued looking at me. "Joon-ah," she said as I realized I still had her legs up. I thought I was hurting her when I saw her smile to herself.

A light bulb almost comically lit up in my head. "Na Jeong-ah... You're not in pain are you?" I asked. When she didn't respond, I should have felt played but I didn't. Instead, I realized that she needed the physical contact just as much as I did.

I had only planned on giving her a little peck... Just because she was so adorable and I felt so lucky. But as soon as our mouths met, I knew I was done.

## November 22, 2000

##  6:30 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

"Na Jeong-ah... You're not in pain are you?" I heard Joon say. My knees were still bent towards my chest and I looked away, unable to respond. Quick, what do I say? I couldn't possibly admit that I lured him here under false pretences. He bought me a state of the art back brace for goodness' sake. And ddukbokki. I don't want to lie to him. Or at least, lie to him any more than I already have.

I looked at his face hesitantly, expecting him to be annoyed. Instead he was trying to hide a grin. Omo, why is he so handsome? My heart beating fast, I took in his beautiful eyes, his high cheekbones and his pretty lips. I sighed inwardly. This is too much.

Then, without letting my legs down he kissed me. It was a soft kiss, a gentle kiss... A kiss that was over way too soon. I opened my eyes and saw him looking at me with an unreadable expression in his eyes, like he was trying to make a decision. Then the intensity was back, and he lowered my legs, trailing his fingers down both of them and I felt my heart stop. He was on top of me again, his weight pressed against me. He cupped my head off the hard floor with one hand while leaning his other arm down beside my head. As he leaned back down to take my mouth, his eyes stayed focused on me. When his lips finally touched mine, I couldn't help but moan. How can this feel this good? Every single time?

I felt him all around me, all my nerve endings aware of him. I felt his left hand grasping the back of my head, his fingers just exerting enough pressure to make it feel good. We were connected chest to hip and I could feel his heart racing just as fast as mine was. As I felt his tongue on my lips I ran my fingers through his hair. When I met his tongue with mine, I felt him harden against my stomach and I had to stop myself from giving out a self-satisfied sigh. I flexed my hips involuntarily to get closer and I felt his hand move from the floor to my back, pulling me flush against his length. As he sucked on my tongue, I desperately pulled on the zip of his sweatshirt. Without lifting his lips off mine he pulled the zipper down and took it off, leaving his chest in a shirt.

I wrapped my legs around him and I sighed his name when I felt him between my legs. I felt his mouth on my neck, his tongue marking whatever it touched. His teeth nipped at my neck, causing a brief frisson of pain before his tongue came back and the pleasure intensified. Oh, I thought, forget baseball. This is what Joon was born to do. He pressed his hips more tightly against the apex of my thighs and I wanted to beg him to keep doing it. The friction felt so good, but I wanted more.

Skin, I need to feel his skin.

I felt his fingers on the side of my breast and almost cried when he didn't touch it. He rubbed through my shirt and in frustration I grabbed the hem of his shirt. He lifted his mouth off my neck and I watched as he took his shirt off, his muscles flexed as he came down onto my body again and my hands went to his chest. Smooth, warm skin under my fingers, his hardness pressed against me. I felt him cup my breast hesitantly and I moaned my assent into his mouth, which was back on mine. I sucked on his bottom lip as I felt his thumb leisurely rub my nipple over my shirt. As his hand lowered to the gap between my shirt and my pants, I lifted myself up to kiss his chest. When I felt his fingers on my ribcage, I felt a dampness between my thighs. I was just about to take his nipple in my mouth when he stopped touching me.

Confused I looked up and saw him looking at Sook Sook standing in the doorway with the box of ddukbokki. SHIT! Joon lifted himself off me so fast before I even realized what he was doing. He turned his back to us and grabbed his shirt. He was still putting it back on when I finally realized what was going on. I stood up and approached my brother, who said nothing and just continued to watch us. Just as I was about to explain, Sook Sook spoke.

"Noona," he said as he look at me innocently "I found dukbokki! Noona, look! I found it on the counter. You said that we cannot eat ddukbokki... That's what you said, right, Noona?"

"Yeah..." I turned to Joon and saw him zipping up his sweatshirt. "Sook Sook-ah... What do you want most in the world? If you don't tell Omma and Appa what you saw, Joon Hyung and I will give it to you." I glared at Joon for him to agree.

"Yeah, Sook Sook-ah, whatever you want," he finally said. He gave me an awkward smile and I had to stopped myself from throwing myself back in his arms.

I looked down at Sook Sook and saw that he was thinking. "Uhm, I want Joon hyung to come to one of my sleepovers. To show to my friends."

"Sook-ah... Joon hyung is not an object. You can't just go..."

"It's fine," I heard Joon say. "What else?" He put his arms in front of his chest and waited for my brother's next request.

"I want ice cream every month!" Sook Sook exclaimed.

"Fine..." I said. "Anything else?"

"Hmm, I think that's all." Sook Sook looked at us again. "Is it my birthday gift again? I just had my birthday party."

Joon walked over to him and bent down to speak to him eye to eye. "Yeah, because you're a good little boy, you get more presents." He smiled at Sook Sook and I felt a wave of tenderness inside me as my brother wrapped his small arms around Joon's neck. He picked him up off the floor and kissed my forehead on his way out the door. He took my hand and walked out to the living room.

He was just putting Sook Sook back down on the floor when Omma came from the kitchen and Appa came from the bathroom.

"Chilbong-ah, I thought I saw your car parked outside!" Appa said as he sat down on the couch. He patted the seat next to him and Joon obediently sat. I had to hold back a snicker... My father was just as attached to him as he was to me.

"Chilbong-ah, help me with setting the plates out for dinner. You will be staying right? We're having it a little early because Sook Sook hasn't eaten yet either, and he has to go to sleep for school soon." I watched in amusement as Joon stood up just minutes after he sat down to follow my mother into the kitchen. Sook Sook sat in the seat that Joon vacated and watched television with my father and I went to the kitchen. I sat down and observed as Joon and my mother spoke quietly. He said something and my mother blushed and laughed. I swear, every day I fall more and more in love with him. How can I not love him when he loves the people I love so well?

Omma called Appa and Sook Sook to the table for dinner and we all sat down. Joon took my hand under the table and I smiled at him. He smiled back at me and I turned to see Omma looking at us happily.

"Noona, can we eat ddukbokki now? It's okay?" Sook Sook asked.

"Uhmm..."

"Why weren't you allowed ddukbokki?" Joon asked. He turned to me. "I thought you loved ddukbokki." Puzzled, he shook his head. "Did you change your mind?"

"Ahh..." I wasn't quite sure how to answer without embarrassing myself so I just ate some kimchi instead.

"Noona saw ddukbokki one time and got mad," Sook Sook explained. He turned to me before speaking again. "Haitai hyung said it. And then hyung said you cried." He decisively put his chopsticks down. "I love ddukbokki. I'm glad we can have it again."

"Chilbong-ah, when did you get here?" Appa said while eating some rice.

Joon looked at his watch before responding. "Uhm, about 45 minutes ago?"

"Noona and Joon Hyung were wrestling," Sook Sook said. "Joon Hyung didn't have..." I clamped a hand over his mouth before he could continue.

"Were you two fighting? Is that why you were wrestling?" Omma asked.

"NO!" "Yes," Joon and I said simultaneously.

"Yes!" "No."

"Aigoo... You two. Make your minds up," Appa said, shaking his head at us.

"Ah, Co... Appa... Na Jeong-ie's back was hurting so I was doing some stretches with her," Joon said smoothly.

"Na Jeong-ah... You should get your back looked at. That's going to cause problems when you get married," Appa said calmly. Joon started coughing and I almost threw a chopstick at him.

I sat quietly for the rest of the meal, my mind still on what just happened on my floor. I felt a blush spread over my cheeks but I don't feel embarrassed. I felt aroused. I felt Joon looking at me and when our eyes met, his darkened and I knew he was thinking about the same exact thing. He cleared his throat and resumed eating. He squeezed my hand under the table once before he started writing characters out on my palm. I stopped eating and tried to figure out what characters he was tracing.

I love you.

Once I figured it out, I smiled at him. Our eyes stayed locked for a few minutes as around me everything disappeared. There was only Joon, his hand on my hand, and it's all that mattered. Everything I needed was right here, in this hand. My world, my heart, my future. He held them all in his hand, and now more than ever, I knew I made the right choice.

I vaguely heard Appa clear his throat pointedly and with the moment broken, we ate the rest of the meal in silence, not needing to say anything else.

Later on as I walked him to his car, I wondered how long it will be until I see him again. I was about to ask when he spoke.

"Jagiya... Want to go on a date with me?" I turned around in surprise.

"An actual... Official date?" When he nodded, I added, "As a couple?"

"Yeah, Bing and Jin Yi noona are coming back this weekend and they want us to go out with them sometime next week. Maybe Friday. I have some CF promotions to attend this weekend."

I nodded and smiled as I linked my arm through his.

"Why didn't you let people eat ddukbokki while I was gone?" He asked quietly.

"I saw ddukbokki and thought of you. Not that I didn't already. Constantly. I thought I was going crazy. I only ate our ramyun every night for one week." I saw that he was about to apologize so I put my fingers on his mouth. "Yah... I only told you because you asked."

"You must have hurt a lot," he said. "And I had no clue."

"I didn't hurt any more than you did. And... I would do it all over again to have what we have now."

We walked the rest of the way in silence and as he took me in his arms to say goodbye, he whispered, "I think you should start locking your door." We both started laughing.

"Or, next time, we can just go to your apartment."

"I think that's a good idea," he said. He looked like he wanted to kiss me, but I knew he wouldn't so I kissed his cheek instead.

"I'll text when I get home," he said.

"Okay." I watched as he sauntered to his car and drove off.

When I returned to the house, Omma and Appa were sitting on the floor, still watching television. Appa waved me over when I sat down on the couch.

"Yah, Na Jeong-ah, do you think Chilbong can get me Jeon Ji Hyun's autograph?" He asked eagerly.

"Why would he do that? He doesn't even know her," I said.

"He's your boyfriend and you didn't even know?" Appa looked at me. "Aigoo, we just saw a CF of him with her in Jeju Island."

"She's really pretty," Omma said, chewing a piece of fruit.

"Pretty? Pshhh, our daughter's pretty... Jeon Ji Hyun is a goddess," Appa said. He looked at me again. "So, can you ask him?"

I stood up and said, "Appa... If you want it so badly, ask him yourself. Besides, it won't be worth anything one day. She's only done one movie... She's not going to get more famous. I bet in ten years, she'll be forgotten."

I went to my room and closed the door. Was that the CF that's been keeping him so busy? Jealousy flared up before I quickly extinguished it. Jeon Ji Hyun being beautiful doesn't matter. He loves me. This was just a professional arrangement, right? They probably didn't even speak that much to each other.

I was still pondering this issue when my phone vibrated with Joon's message telling me that he's home. It's embarrassing to admit how nuts I am about that man. Just thinking about him makes me feel all sorts of giddy.

Yes, I thought, next time should definitely be in his apartment.

## December 1, 2000

##  7:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

The last week had gone by in a blur. After spending the whole weekend in Busan to promote the CF that I filmed in Jeju Island, I finally came home on Monday. I made sure to call Na Jeong every day since that Wednesday and I didn't just do it for her... I did it for me too. I want nothing more than to spend every minute I have with her, but she has to go to work and so do I. Time and obligations don't stop for love, unfortunately, and I no longer just worried about my future but hers too.

I've been at the boarding house for dinner every night since my return from Busan. It feels like I still lived there sometimes... Except I don't get to see Na Jeong in the morning. We haven't spent any time alone together since that time I was there last week, but I am just as happy holding her hand. I try my best not to think about that day, or I wouldn't be able to function otherwise. All I have to do is close my eyes and I can imagine her mouth on my chest. I've taken so many cold showers this past week I'm surprised I still had skin to wash.

Are we moving too fast? I wonder this myself a lot. I've never had this sort of relationship before, with anyone. Na Jeong and I never talked about it, but I hoped she knew to tell me if she was uncomfortable. Looking around my bedroom, I hoped that she was ready. I bought some flowers earlier on my run, there's a bottle of champagne in the fridge and I even went to the store to get some candles.

Nervous now, my hands shook as I buttoned up my shirt. I looped my belt through my slacks and gave myself a once over in the bathroom mirror. Both Na Jeong and I are meeting Dong Joon and Jin Yi noona for dinner tonight then I'll ask her if she wanted to come home with me. I hope she'll say yes. It's okay too if she doesn't, but I hope she says yes. Even if it's to cuddle and talk. The weekend she spent here when I was sick had spoiled me, and now I felt her absence so keenly whenever I'm home.

When I came to pick her up, she ran out the door before I could even knock. She threw herself into my arms and it wasn't until she pulled away that I was able to take a good look at her. Na Jeong has always been lovely, but Na Jeong in love with me could quite possibly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in all my life.

She left her long hair loose on her shoulders. Her cheeks were flushed with happiness. She put some kind of shadow on her eyes which made them look even bigger. That pair of eyes is just too mesmerizing. There was a twinkle in her eye as she looked at me that I've never seen before, not in all the years that I've known her. She kept her mouth unpainted except for a sheer layer of that shiny lip gloss that tasted like strawberry whenever I kiss her. That's become my most favourite taste in the world and I couldn't wait to kiss her again.

She smiled at me so brightly my heart skipped inside my chest. When she took my hands in both of hers, she was wearing my gloves and she pressed her lips to my palms. This woman is incredible, and even now I already knew that I was going to spend my whole life loving her.

Even without saying a word, I knew how much she loved me. It showed in everything she did. It showed in the way she looked at me, the way she said my name. I felt it when she touched me and when she kissed me. Not for the first time I was overwhelmed by how much love I could possibly feel for one person.

She chatted about everything on our way to dinner and held my hand. While her head rested on my shoulder, her fragrance was all around me. I love that now I can't get away from any room in my apartment without being reminded of her. My pillows still smelled like her.

When we got to the restaurant that Dong Joon and Jin Yi Noona selected, they weren't there yet. Na Jeong and I sat down side by side. I didn't know if she would be okay with holding hands in public, so I just held her hand under the table. But as soon as my fingers touched hers, she brought her hand on the top of the table and offered me her palm. I placed a kiss on it before interlocking our fingers together. She motioned for me to come closer and when I did, she whispered something in my ear.

"Yah, Kim Jae Joon-ssi... Have I told you today how much I love you?" She smiled at me when I shook my head no. "Well, I do." She brushed a lock of hair off from my forehead, tenderly traced my cheeks with her hands.

"I know. Do you know how much I love you?" I kept my eyes locked on her while I mimicked her movements. I smoothed her hair down, and cupped her face with my free hand. I brushed my thumb over her soft lips just as she was about to lick them, inadvertently licking my thumb too. At the contact, I felt my pulse accelerate and my throat dry up. Our gazes held for I don't know how many charged minutes until I heard someone clear their throat behind me.

"Ahem... Good to see you two have made up," I heard Dong Joon's voice say teasingly.

"Dong Joon-ah!" I stood up and hugged him. Looking at him, I know I wouldn't be here now if he hadn't talked some sense into me. Na Jeong stood up and gave Bing and Jin Yi noona affectionate hugs before sitting back down.

We listened as Dong Joon and his new wife talked about their honeymoon, and I'm reminded of when I had to do this on my own with Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin. Jin Yi noona said something that made my cousin laugh, and when he looked at her fondly, I looked at Na Jeong too and I think I finally understood what that was like. I felt even more blessed than I ever have in my whole life.

I was wrapping some barbecued pork in a lettuce leaf when I heard Na Jeong's voice. "Joon-ah..." I turned around to see what she wanted. She opened her mouth and said, "Say AHH..." I opened my mouth and she gently fed me a roll that she had wrapped.

My phone buzzed and I quickly took it out to see who has texted me. It was Jeon Ji Hyun-ssi, we had filmed the CF together in Jeju island and did a few of the promotions together, including the last one held in Busan. She was asking what time will I be reaching the next promotion but before I could reply, Jin Yi Noona started to ask me some questions.

"How long have you two been together?" Jin Yi Noona had just asked when I felt Na Jeong place her hand on my knee under the table. I put my phone on the table and tried to concentrate in answering the question.

"Ahh... Not long ago, Noona," I stammered out. Why is her hand there now? She's getting way too close! "Maybe a couple of weeks?"

Jin Yi Noona smiled before answering. "Ah," she said. "You look like you've been together for a really long time... It's good to see you both so happy. Especially you, Chilbong-ah. Dong Joon told me how different you've been since you came home."

"Yeobo," Dong Joon said uncomfortably next to her. He turned back to me with an apologetic look.

I would have been bothered about Dong Joon telling his wife all this stuff had Na Jeong not started caressing my inner thigh. I shook my head as she looked so innocent sitting there, but really she's a devil in disguise. I tried to think of the most unsexy thing I could think of, but that still didn't work... I hardened involuntarily. Male anatomy makes it very difficult to hide anything. Meanwhile she just kept on with her conversation as if nothing was happening.

As for me it felt like I had gone into auto pilot. The rest of dinner went by in a blur. After dinner, she and I were walking to the car when I felt an absolute, desperate need to kiss her. I took her hand and though she appeared confused for one second, she followed me, her eyes trusting. I led her down a dark alley and as soon as I was sure that there was no one around, I kissed her.

As though she had been expecting it, her arms automatically went around my waist to pull me closer. I held her face in my hands and her lips softened under mine. Her hands went straight under my shirt and I felt her pulse racing as I kissed her neck.

"You're driving me crazy," I whispered as I went back to her mouth. "We can't do this here." I nipped on her lip and she moaned, her eyes looking intensely into mine. "Go home with me. Please." I would have begged her if she wanted me to. I would have dropped down on my knees if she asked.

"Yes," she sighed into my ear as she held my face. "Yes, I'll go home with you."

I don't think I've ever driven faster before in all my life. I'm pretty sure I broke some traffic laws. It didn't help that every time we stopped at a red traffic light Na Jeong would pull me to her and kiss me like her life depended on it. Her hand, which had been stuck to my thigh all dinner, kept creeping closer and closer to my groin as I drove.

She's trying to kill me, I was convinced of it. She's trying to kill me with her eyes, and her mouth and her hands. Ah... But what an exquisite death it would be. Even now as we exited the parking lot, I had to take my coat off and put it in front of me to hide my arousal.

Na Jeong walked ahead of me and I watched as her hips swayed gracefully from side to side. Her long legs were encased in black tights tucked into heeled boots. She wore a black skirt and a red sweater. She gathered her hair on one side, showing off her graceful neck. I know exactly where I could kiss her on her neck that would make her moan in pleasure. She stood in front of the elevators and impatiently pressed the button multiple times... As if she couldn't wait to get upstairs too. When I reached her, I looped my arms around her waist and she leaned back into me. She started touching my arms, and with even just that, I thought I would die from the pleasure. Think about something else, I told myself even as our eyes met on the shiny surface of the elevator door. Her eyes were bright, distracted by desire, and mine were focused entirely on her. I was afraid this would be over before we even begin.

As soon as the elevator door opened, we both entered without a word. She stood on one corner of the enclosed space, and knowing that I wouldn't be able to control myself even with cameras recording our every move, I stood on the opposite side. We both stayed so quiet that I looked at Na Jeong to make sure she was okay. She was looking intensely at the numbers on the elevator as if she was willing for it to go faster. When she realized I was looking at her, she gave me one of her sheepish smiles, like she couldn't believe I caught her looking as anxious as I was. She looked at me shyly before she spoke.

"Jagiya..." She said. "Appa's at a training camp this weekend. Omma and Sook Sook are in Masan, too." She licked her lips nervously. "That means that I can stay here all night, if you want."

The elevator finally stopped... It felt like we have been in it for hours when it has only but been a few minutes. I grabbed her hand as I stepped off the elevator and we practically ran to my door. Once there, my hands were shaking so badly that I entered my code wrong twice that Na Jeong pushed me to the side and entered it herself.

Once the doors closed and we were away from any possible prying eyes, our mouths met impatiently. Her hands grabbed my head and my hand was on her neck as we tried to take off our shoes without slipping. I tugged my mouth off hers and kneeled down to unzip her boots, and as I took it off, I felt her trembling as my fingers lingered on her feet, on her ankles, on her calves and the back of her knees. She started tugging on my shirt as soon as my lips were back on hers, her nimble fingers unbuttoning it quickly until she was able to feel the skin underneath.

I'm not sure how we found ourselves in the bedroom, but the next time I looked around that's where we were. I led her to the bed, where she reached for me as soon as she laid down.

She tempted me with soft mouth, her tongue meeting mine passionately. Her hands were everywhere on my chest, as if she was branding everywhere she touched. Hesitantly, I put my hands on her hips, and the skin between her sweater and her skirt beckoned for my touch when she wrapped her arms around my neck. My fingers went to that bare patch of skin and she moaned into my mouth. Her skin was so soft, like the smoothest silk I've ever felt and I wondered if it would be just as soft on my tongue. Na Jeong's mouth was traveling down my neck, licking and sucking all the way to my chest, where she proceeded to continue her sweet torture. When she tentatively touched her tongue to my nipple, I had to put a stop to it. I will never make it through this alive. I rubbed my hardness against the apex of her thighs and her eyes widened in surprise.

"Joon-ah... Do it again... You feel so good." Driven wild by the sound of my name coming from her lips and listening to her voice laced with desire, I lifted her hips towards mine and thrust again. As I slipped her sweater over her head, our lips broke apart but our gazes did not. I kept my eyes on her bruised lips, her magnificent eyes devouring me. When I finally looked down at what I've uncovered, I had to remind myself to breathe. Na Jeong was laying on my bed, her skirt bunched around her waist, her hair like a halo on my pillows. Her top was gone and she was wearing the flimsiest bra that I have ever seen. I could see her hardened nipples through her bra and as I continued to look, Na Jeong started rubbing her thighs restlessly and then she sat up, looking like she wanted to ask me something but couldn't.

"Jagiya... Tell me what you need." I said.

## Na Jeong

"Joon-ah... Do it again... You feel so good." This has got to be illegal, I thought crazily as he thrusted his hips against me. I felt his length, hard and insistent, press against the juncture between my thighs. I heard him moan, and hearing him so aroused by me heightened my own enjoyment. He took off my sweater, eyes watching raptly. I trembled as I laid in front of him, almost topless but for a piece of lace. I wanted him to show me how much he wanted me. As if he was reading my mind, he suddenly spoke, his voice low and husky with hunger.

"Jagiya... Tell me what you need."

"Uhm... Do I have to tell you?" I asked, my cheeks turning red. How should I tell him I want his mouth on my breasts? That I wanted his hands between my thighs to ease this restless feeling that was building up inside me? "Joon-ah... How about I just show you instead?"

When he swallowed and nodded, I proceeded to trail my lips all over his chest, hoping that he will get the message. I licked circles around his nipple before taking it in my mouth, sucking gently. I thought I heard him groan my name before I felt his hands on my shoulder, kneading gently.

He laid me down ever so carefully, like I was something precious, before he traced my collarbone with his tongue. He cupped my breast over my bra and blew a warm breath over my nipple before he reached behind me and took my bra off. I felt the cold air for a minute before Joon's weight was pressed down on me again, covering me with his warmth. He rubbed the pad of his thumb over one nipple and then the other, and I thought I was going to die if he didn't put his mouth on me now. When his warm tongue touched my nipple, it felt so good I wanted to cry, He circled his tongue around it as his other hand cupped my other breast. How amazing, I thought, bells are ringing. My hands on his belt, I bolted up when I realized what the ringing meant. Shit, shit, shit... Bells are ringing. That's my ringtone for my boss, which meant work was calling me.

"Jagiya, don't answer that..." I heard Joon say even as I lifted myself off the bed. Giving him an apologetic look, I went to the living room and grabbed my phone from my purse before returning to the bedroom. Joon was sitting up in bed, still looking delicious without his shirt on, and I was so upset I wanted to cry.

I picked up my sweater and my bra and dialled the office. I sat on the side of the bed and felt Joon approach my back. I smiled as I felt his lips on the back of my neck. I turned to him, ran my fingers through his hair and cupped his cheek in my hand before mouthing "I'm sorry." I quickly put my clothes back on. My boss answered the phone on the second ring.

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi, I need you to come back to the office right now."

"I wasn't told that I would be needed to work late today," I responded. "Do I absolutely have to go back?"

"Do you remember about the database migration that we are doing today? There's been some system issue and part of the data has been corrupted and I need a handful of you to come back." I heard him take a minute before continuing. I looked at Joon, who was looking at me questioningly. "The good thing is, that you get to have one additional day of paid leave if you come in for the next couple of hours. Sung Na Jeong-ssi, I wouldn't have called if I didn't need you. The American branch needs the data for the customer's visit at their afternoon, which is in a few hours' time, so..."

"I'm coming... I'll be there in a few minutes. I'm already in Gangnam." I hung up the phone and stood up. Expecting Joon to be angry, I took a deep breath and looked at him.

"Jagiya..." I started.

"Everything okay?" He asked, patting the seat next to him.

"Yeah, everything's good, except that I have to go back to work. There are some issues with our system, and they need the data for our American branch tonight, so I have to go." I braced myself for him to get upset or frustrated. Instead, he just looked at me before getting up pulling a shirt out of his closet. Putting it on, he asked, "Do you need me to drive you there?"

"You're... You're not upset?" I asked. Had he already forgotten what we were doing? How can he not be upset?

"No... It's work, right? I can't be mad about that... Besides, we have plenty of time to do whatever we want to do. You also have a life other than just being my girlfriend, Na Jeong-ah," he said, giving me a little grin. "It's really okay. Come back when you're done, if you want. Are you sure you don't need me to drive you there?"

I narrowed my eyes and shook my head no. I tried not to stomp my feet in frustration as I left his apartment. How is it possible that I'm upset and he's not? Within a few minutes I was out of his building and hailing a cab. I couldn't help the disappointment I felt inside me when I realized that he was perfectly fine with me just leaving in the middle of what I had planned to be our first time. I wore my very special lingerie, I left my hair down just like he liked... I practically seduced him all throughout dinner, but now he just acted like it wasn't really a big deal.

He said we had time... How does he even know that? I could die tomorrow and he could die tomorrow. And we could both die without ever having consummated our relationship! WHAT KIND OF TRAGEDY WOULD THAT BE? A really REALLY big one judging on what almost happened. I don't know how he manages to make me into someone bold and shameless, but I feel that way whenever he touches me. And he... He always acts so cool and calm. I love that about him, but it also drives me crazy. How he stay so collected when I was practically asking him to take me to bed? Those magazines were lying. They said all I needed to do was this and my man would come begging for me. Joon did not come begging for me! THOSE LIARS!

I was still shaking my head as I was walking back to the office. I will have to remedy this situation. I plan on making sure that I make Joon's knees weak too, just like he does mine. I will do it all night if I had to. I smiled at myself at the thought that he doesn't know what's coming.

Unfortunately for me, my work had other plans. Two hours turned to three then to three and a half, and by the time I got out of office it was the wee hours of the morning. And Joon... He was asleep when I came back to his apartment. I saw that he had lit up some candles. There was a vase of flowers in the bedroom that I didn't notice before, no doubt from an overeager fan. Not that I noticed anything much before. Going to the kitchen to grab a glass of water before going to bed, I noticed that there was a bottle of champagne chilling in the refrigerator.

Is he having a party or something? Does this have anything to do with that Jeon Ji Hyun's text? I saw it when he put his phone on the table during dinner. THAT Jeon Ji Hyun call MY Joon Oppa! OPPA! Was there something going on?

Nah, it can't be that. Joon knows me well. Surely he must know that I am not a woman who shares her man with other women. And if he doesn't, I'm going to make sure that he does.

## December 2, 2000

##  9:00 am

##  Chilbong

I woke up to Na Jeong lying next to me again. This is an amazing feeling, because this time she's here not because I'm sick but because she wants to be. I fell asleep last night while waiting for her to come back. I guess she must have returned late since she didn't wake me up like I thought she would. I watched her sleep for a few minutes before deciding that staying here in this bed while she was in such close proximity was a very bad idea. So, I got up and decided to go for my morning run instead. Work my physical energy out some other way.

After leaving her a quick note telling her where I was, I put on my hooded sweatshirt and sweatpants and left the apartment. While running, I started thinking back on last night. After what we were doing, I would have expected some hesitation at least... But no, she just left from the apartment like we were just sitting around and watching television or something. I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE JUST LEFT! SHE DIDN'T EVEN KISS ME GOODBYE!

I didn't want to look like an inconsiderate jerk, so I just pretended that I was totally fine with her leaving. While we were right in the middle of something. While we were right in the middle of something amazingly mind blowing! I stayed hard for an hour after she left. That's painful. I don't even think she realizes what an effect she has on me. I don't know what would happen if she found out that every time she kisses me, I lose my head.

There was no way I wouldn't have looked like a sex maniac if I asked her to stay instead. What was I supposed to say? 'I'll support you, so forget your job?' That's not me. Being a professional gives Na Jeong a sense of purpose, a sense of identity... How can I even put myself in between her and that? That's the same concept as someone asking me to choose between them and baseball. I could never be with anyone that did that, and I know I'm extremely lucky that Na Jeong is not that type of woman.

I can wait... Of course I can wait. A few weeks or months is nothing compared to the time I've already waited. Surely I can be a good boyfriend and wait. I chuckled to myself. She certainly makes it very difficult to stick to my plans. If I didn't know better I'd think she was trying to seduce me. That's not Na Jeong's style though.

After my run, I quietly walked back into the apartment just in case she was still sleeping. After a quick peek in the bedroom, though, I didn't see her. Perplexed, I was still looking for her when I heard her voice coming from the kitchen. It sounded like she was talking on the phone with someone, and I was just about to walk away when something she said caught my attention.

"Joon? Yeah he's great," she said. I smiled at the fond way she always said my name, like it was her most favourite word in the world. She stayed quiet for a few minutes, like she was allowing the person on the other line to speak. "NO, not yet, absolutely not. We have NOT." Hmm. she must be talking to Yoon Jin. She's doesn't usually speak that familiarly with just anyone. "I'm just not ready yet, Yoon Jin. You don't understand. It's too soon." I heard her sigh. "We have time. Of course we do."

After overhearing her conversation, it all made sense. The casual way she left, why she didn't wake me up when she got back. Of course... Joon, you're such an idiot. What have we not done? What else could she not be ready for? What else might be considered too soon? What else do we have time for? What else does she want me to understand? Everything she said just pointed to the fact that she's not ready to consummate our relationship.

I swear, sometimes being a man is such hard work. Why can't women just tell you what they want? Is that so difficult? Of course she wouldn't tell you, silly. You're in love, she's supposed to be ready, right? That's what people would expect. Maybe she's embarrassed. I nodded to myself.

Well I can't have her feeling uncomfortable with me. From this day forward, I will keep my distance. I will always see her when we are around other people. I will refrain from inviting her over here unless there's someone else here with us. I will be content with holding hands and maybe, cuddling. I won't kiss her because that's what gets me in trouble. It's time to use my 10,000 hour rule philosophy again. It worked on finally winning her heart, and it will get me through this too.

Na Jeong is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I am not going to endanger our relationship just because of my needs. With my decision made in my head, I pasted a smile on my face and greeted her good morning. She smiled her gorgeous smile at me and then closed her eyes, as if expecting a kiss. Oh no... We are not doing this again. Not while we're alone. Not when there's a flat surface around. Instead of giving her a kiss I settled for something else. I shook her hand. Her eyes flew open and she stared at me.

I know, jagiya, I can be understanding, I thought to myself with a smug smile. You're going to think I'm the best boyfriend in the world, just you wait.

## December 7, 2000

##  7:00 pm

##  Na Jeong

Joon is quite possibly the worst boyfriend in the world. Hold on, let me edit that. He's the stingiest boyfriend in the world. Not with time or affection, not with love and devotion. My main complaint with him is that he's TOO stingy with kisses. In fact, today marks the 6th day of non-kissing. I don't know what to make of this... Some kind of self-imposed celibacy or what not.

It would be totally understandable if we haven't been seeing each other at all. That's not even the case. I've seen him almost every day. He usually picks me up in the morning and drops me off at work before he does and goes whatever he needed to do for the day, whether it's training or meeting with his manager, but he's also insisted on taking Sook Sook to school too, to help out Omma and Appa. More than often he calls me during the day to ask me to meet up for lunch or brings me coffee at work. He is almost always with me at dinner time... Whether we be at my house, Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo's or Binggrae and Jin Yi's new apartment. Notice the pattern? We always have chaperones. I never ever spend any more time alone with him. Now tell me, how am I supposed to seduce him if we were never together by ourselves?

He's been acting strange too. Is he hiding something from me? Every time I ask him indirectly or directly for a kiss, he shakes my hand instead. Seriously. He! Shakes! My! Hand! Really?! Since when has shaking of hands replaced kissing! What in the world is that? Does he have bad breath? Do I have bad breath?

I've always been one to persevere, but I took Yoon Jin's suggestion into account too. So I have respected his space. I'm trying to be patient. I really really am. I'm trying to be an understanding girlfriend but is it too much to want kisses from the man that I love? Well, maybe not just kisses, but maybe other things too? A woman has needs as well. How is it possible that I am with the man of my dreams, and yet I spend all of my time still fantasizing about him? This is totally not right at all. Shouldn't I have at least seen him naked by now? This is so sad that I have a boyfriend, and yet here I am on the internet searching for pictures of my boyfriend! I was just curious to see if there were any that he didn't have a shirt on. That's all. No one is allowed to judge me.

Even as I powered off my laptop, I sighed to myself. Maybe Joon has become religious, and he wants to abstain until we get married? I shook my head, seeing that he had never even been the religious type. My head started hurting thinking about it, and when I saw Joon's car parking up front, I decided to change my game plan.

A few minutes later, I went out of my bedroom wearing my very revealing red dress, the one that emphasized all my assets. I even put heels on. In the house. I put my makeup on carefully, making sure to put on my red lipstick. My magazines said men love it, and I could use all the help I can get. I was trying to saunter into the living room very casually, but as soon as I noticed that Joon wasn't even in the house yet, I ran to the door, uncaring that Appa and Omma were watching me. I put my arm up against the doorway and tried to very casually rest my other arm on my hip when Joon finally came into view.

"Jagiya... Are you going out?" He asked, looking at me closely. He perused my dress up and down before coming in. Without even as much as a second glance, he patted my shoulder and greeted Omma and Appa.

"Na Jeong-ah... Why are you dressed like a lounge singer in the middle of winter?" Appa said from behind me. "Aren't you finding it hard to breathe? Your clothes are so tight and we're about to have dinner."

"Na Jeong-ah, I think you look nice," Omma piped in. I turned around from the doorway to give her a grateful smile and saw that Appa and Joon were already talking about baseball.

I tried to sit down on the couch next to him, but the dress pulled too tight and I was afraid my seams would burst. After awkwardly standing around for a few minutes I was grateful when Omma said dinner was ready. My high heels pinching my toes, I hobbled to the kitchen. I felt a warm hand on my back to keep me steady and almost stumbled I was so surprised. Things have gotten bad when I am so deprived of his touch that a mere hand to my back is getting my engines revved up. I closed my eyes and savoured that hand on my back like it was oxygen. This is why I must persevere. I want those hands all over me again and soon. If he doesn't offer them up I might have to force him. I cringed at my own train of thoughts... Cheeks reddened I head down to the table and was about to sit down when I heard his voice.

"Na Jeong-ah, turn around," he whispered. My body warmed up instantly and I swear if I could bottle that husky sexy voice I would. I immediately turned around and faced him and my hands itched to grab him and kiss him right here. In front of everyone. Dinner be damned. But he helped me into a jacket and zipped it up all the way to my neck instead! I had to fight the urge to pout. Doesn't he like the dress I am in?

I felt his fingers brush my hair briefly before he sat down. Haitai came bounding into the kitchen minutes later and he did a double take at me before getting in his seat.

"Chinggu-ya... I think you look weird today," Haitai commented. "What's with all the heavy makeup for dinner?"

I glared at him in response. "Joon thinks I look pretty. Right, jagiya?" I turned to him and flashed him my best come hither smile. He looked like he was about to smile back when I caught him staring at my lips. Ha! There must be something with the red lipstick theory then... Because now he can't keep his eyes off my face.

"Jagiya," he whispered. That voice again... Lord help me. He pointed to his lips. My heart rejoiced... Finally he couldn't wait either, and I was about to oblige when he said, "You have lipstick on your teeth."

"WHAT?" I got up out of my seat and ran to the bathroom. Sure enough, there was a red stain on my teeth. Wiping my lipstick off, I suddenly felt like crying. What if... What if he just doesn't want me anymore? What if he'd sampled the goods and he just didn't like it and now he doesn't want more? I looked down on my average sized breasts and wished they were bigger. Suddenly I didn't feel like eating dinner anymore.

Feeling disheartened, I went back to my room and changed back into a t-shirt and sweatpants. I put my hair back in a ponytail. What's the point in getting dressed up when he doesn't even care that I've made an effort? It's not like I'm that yellow haired woman... Who probably walks around in heels all the time or Jeon Ji Hyun who would still look perfect in a sack.

This is a horrible feeling, being able to compare myself to other women he's been around or dated. How did he do this for so long? It hasn't even been that long for me, and I'm convinced that I'm going insane. I sat on my bed and couldn't help but recall my conversation with Yoon Jin last week.

A week before...

"Are you up? Did I wake you?" I rattled to Yoon Jin after she picked up the phone.

"Yeah, I'm up... Morning sickness again," she replied. "This is so unfair... Why do women have to go through this?" She paused and then spoke again. "What's the matter though? You don't usually call at this time of the day. Did something happen between you and Chilbong?"

"That's why I'm calling. NOTHING's happening." I took a deep breath. "Well, actually, SOME things are happening. But not enough."

"Na Jeong-ah, you're confusing me. Please start from the beginning," she requested.

And so I told her about how I wanted last night to be our first time and how I had prepared for it. I told her about buying a brand new outfit and my sexy knee high boots and how I spent two hours styling my hair. Then I told him about almost sealing the deal when work called and how Joon reacted, which was really a non-reaction. Yoon Jin listened so quietly I had to ask her if she was still on the other line.

"Na Jeong-ah... What's the rush anyway? You know you love him and you know he loves you, so what does it matter when you guys actually do it? You guys are planning on being together for a long time, right?" I heard her sigh on the other end of the line. "Don't be so over-eager... Have you ever heard the expression, ah, which one is it... Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? You don't want to be the cow that gives all the milk for free, right? Make him work for it."

If only he would take the damn milk, I thought to myself. "Yoon Jin-ah, it's not even like that. I just want him. It's all I can think about and I feel like I want him so badly I'm going crazy. I can't function and I think it's a good idea to get all this sexual tension out so we can move forward." That sounded convincing enough.

Yoon Jin laughed before she spoke. "I don't believe you, but... Speaking of moving forward... Have you two talked about how you will do this when he goes back to San Francisco?"

"NO, not yet, absolutely not. We have NOT," I said a bit forcefully.

"Why not? You will have to talk about it sooner or later."

"I'm just not ready yet, Yoon Jin-ah. You don't understand. It's way too soon." I sighed into the phone.

"You guys have three months... You have time."

"We have time. Of course we do." I thought I heard Joon come into the apartment so I decided to hang up. "I have to go. I'll call you later."

Yoon Jin is right, though, I just need to stop worrying about it. It will happen when it's the right time. And I should make him work for it, not offer myself up on a platter. I'm so worth it. I am a prize among women! I was still trying to comfort myself with this thought when I went out of my bedroom to see Joon and Appa on their way out.

"Are... Are you leaving?" I said.

"Jagiya, no," he said, "We're just going to go play catch. It's been a long time since we've done that." He smiled at me. "You okay?" I nodded and smiled back. See? He loves me. "Na Jeong-ah, I'm leaving my phone here, okay? I don't want to miss if Hyung calls. We're expecting a confirmation from KBS about the interview. If he calls or messages, will you let me know?"

"Yeah, sure," I responded. "Have a good time with Appa."

I had only just sat down on the couch when Omma pointed out that Joon's CF with Jeon Ji Hyun was always on television. I sulkily watched as she got more action on television with my man than I do in real life. His phone vibrating on the table interrupted my reverie. Thinking it was his manager, I picked it up to see a new message.

Should I click it? Why not? He told me to let him know if it was his manager, so I need to know who the sender is, right? My thumb hovered over the button for about a nanosecond before I pressed it. The message was from Misoo, his team manager in Yonsei... Misoo, who is still such good friends with him that she gets invited to his cousin's wedding... Misoo, the woman he was sitting with while ignoring me. I read the message quickly.

Chilbong-ah, are you busy tomorrow night? Come over for dinner. I will cook your favourite dish. We have some really important things to talk about. You know where you can find me.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? I furiously thought. It's not enough that I had to work so hard for him to even give me a chance, but now I have all this competition too?

Calm down, I tried to tell myself. It was just an invitation. It doesn't mean he'll go, right? It's not like she asked him for a date, right? Calm down. You're acting like a sex starved person.

That I had now been reduced to this infuriated me even more and I briskly walked outside just as he was throwing the ball to my father. I walked up to him and handed him his phone. He raised his eyebrow at me, and I told him, "You have a new message."

I was about to turn away when he touched my shoulder and I saw the concern in his eyes. "Jagiya... Are you sure you're okay? You look kind of upset..." He looked so worried that I felt myself softening.

"Yeah, I'm okay." I looked at him hopefully. "Joon-ah, you'll be here again tomorrow right?"

He thought for a minute before he answered. "Yeah, I should be." I felt my heart cheer up at his response, until it hit me that he hasn't even read the text message yet.

"I'm going to bed... I'm tired," I said, unable to meet his eyes. "Will you send me a text to tell me you're home? You know I worry." When he nodded I tried to put a bright smile on my face and held out my hand. He took it hesitantly, but then shook it anyway.

"Jagiya..." He started.

"Good night." I turned around and walked back to the house knowing he was looking at me walking away.

Hours later, even after I've received his text that he was home, I laid in bed awake, wondering why he hasn't shown as much interest. Maybe he realized the reality of me wasn't as good as he thought? Maybe our chemistry wasn't the same for him?

I tried to ask my puppy but he doesn't speak. I guess we'll just see what happens tomorrow.

## December 8, 2000

##  9:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

"Chilbong-ah, make sure you think about what I asked, okay?" Misoo asked as she stood in the doorway with In Sung. "I know you've already said you don't want to sing at any more weddings, but you did really well at Dong Joon's."

"Who knew you were so talented?" In Sung asked sarcastically. "And here I thought the only thing you knew how to do was baseball."

"Yah... If you ask uri Na-Jeongie, she'll tell you I can do a whole lot of stuff," I responded with a smile. Yeah she'll say that I can open a ramyun restaurant or a dry cleaning business. I can be a basketball player, a dancer and even a singer. I had to stop myself from chuckling when I looked up at In Sung staring at me and shaking his head.

"Aigoo, look at you. I knew it, even six years ago, that you were done. Yah... Stop smiling like that, man. You're going to make me look bad," In Sung said. I couldn't even help it, my smile got even bigger, if that was possible. "It's good to see you. We'll have dinner again before you have to go back." He patted my back affectionately and Misoo offered a hug.

"Bring Na Jeong-ssi next time," Misoo added. "I'm assuming you will be bringing her as your date for our wedding next year, right?"

"Yeah," I answered. "Of course, who else would I bring? For me, it's Na Jeong, no matter what."

After leaving their apartment, I was driving home when I started thinking about Na Jeong. After not seeing her for one night, I already missed her. I've been at the house or with her one way or another the last week... I thought it would be like exposure therapy, as in the more I see her, the less her effect would be on me. Instead it's gotten worse. Now all she had to do was turn her eyes on me and I'm ready to go.

When I walked up to the door last night and she was standing there with a tight little red dress on, and her lips covered in red, I really thought I was going to pass out. The blood rushed straight from my head to my groin and I literally rushed to get away from her. Even as Appa was speaking to me, I saw her shimmying herself down on the space next to me from the corner of my eye, and watching her hips move drove me insane! I was relieved when she finally just stayed standing up, but then got worried when I remembered that Haitai was also home. I didn't want him to see her like that. I was afraid that I would became so jealous and punch him if he saw her like that. But I am a gentleman. So I did what gentlemen do. I covered my lady's assets up so I don't have to get into a fight over it.

I didn't really want to miss tonight's dinner either, since last night Na Jeong looked tired and worried about something. But then again, I thought, maybe we needed some time apart... So we can miss each other, right? Maybe she's having a hard time adjusting to having a boyfriend again. So I took up Misoo's invitation for dinner at her and In Sung's apartment. I know Na Jeong saw the text message... But she said nothing about wanting to go with me, so I didn't even ask.

As I made the turn into a parking space in front of my apartment building, I hoped that Na Jeong understands that I am doing everything for her. It doesn't even matter how much this... Waiting is hurting me, as long as she's happy. Yes, I thought, I will endure anything as long as Na Jeong is happy.

Once I've parked, I entered the apartment building and went up the elevator to my floor. I started typing a message to Na Jeong as I walked to my apartment, stopping only to enter my door code. Stepping into my doorway, I pressed the send button on my text message informing her that I had just gotten home and wishing her a good night.

So, imagine my surprise when I heard the ring of Na Jeong's phone somewhere in the apartment after I sent it. Is she here? Alone? How do I resist her now?

Taking off my coat, I looked around the apartment for her, seeing her purse and coat sitting on my kitchen counter but not seeing her in the living room. I walked to the bedroom and I thought I saw her sitting on the side of the bed. I turned the overhead lights on and was about to walk over when I heard her speak.

"Don't come near me, " she said, sniffling. She hiccupped twice, like she's been crying. "If you come near me, I'm going to get even more emotional."

"Jagiya... What's the matter? Why are you sad? Did something happen?" Something major must have happened if she's sitting in the dark in my apartment. I stayed where I was, waiting for her to answer my questions, and when she didn't, I decided to get to the heart of the matter.

"Na Jeong-ah..."

"Joon-ah..." She interrupted. "Do you think I'm a free cow?"

"What?" I wasn't sure if she was speaking in metaphorical terms. Why are we talking about cows now?

"People say you won't buy a cow if you're getting milk for free. But... But.... YOU'VE NEVER EVEN TASTED THE MILK!" She wailed, sounding utterly forlorn. "Don't you want to sample it first before deciding whether you want the cow?" Okay... I have never once discussed ever buying any cows or the sampling of dairy products with this woman.

Unable to follow her train of thought, I ignored her request and walked to where she sat. Needing to see her face, I knelt down in front of her. Taking both of her hands in mine, I was still racking my mind for the right words to say when I heard her speak again.

"Kim Jae Joon... I swear to God if you shake my hands this time, I will punch you," she said, her voice low. She pulled her hands out of mine and stood up. I watched, brows drawn, as she stared out the windows, as if thinking.

I need to do something. With the most reassuring voice I can muster, "Jagiya... I'm not interested in any cows or milk, or even cheese." Apparently that was not the right thing to say, judging from the way she tensed up even more.

"This is the problem," she said, starting to pace back and forth. I waited for her to elaborate but she didn't. "You've lost your taste for milk."

I really don't know what we are talking about. I know people have said that sometimes men and women speak completely different languages, but still. I wish someone would give me a little help here. Treading carefully, I thought about what to say next that might not incite even more wrath.

"Na Jeong-ah... Have you been drinking?" I asked.

"Why would you ask that?" Not slowing down on her pacing, I watched as the dress she was wearing moulded itself to her curves whenever she took a step. Jesus... Even in her anger, she was glorious. Her long hair hung behind her back but for a lock of hair that stubbornly clung to the smooth skin exposed by the v on her dress. I don't blame it, I thought. I would stay there too.

She needs to get out of here. I need her to get out of here before I forget all of my good intentions. I feel like I have tunnel vision and all I could focus on was her. This conversation had thrown me off kilter, and I wondered briefly if she was the crazy one or I was.

When she realized that I hadn't answered her question, she stopped and looked at me. Hands on hips, her defiant eyes met mine and I was struck by a sense of deja vu. Tension was rolling off her in waves and damned if I am not turned on by it.

I am a very strange person.

She cocked her head to one side, her neck illuminated by the city lights behind her, before she repeated herself. "Why would you think that I've been drinking?"

"Jagiya," I gently started. "You're talking crazy." When I saw her eyebrows narrow at me, I held both my hands up in surrender. "Don't get mad. I didn't say you were crazy, just that you're talking crazy."

"Yeah... So what? I'm talking crazy because you're making me crazy!" She looked away from me. "Yah... Kim Jae Joon-ssi... How many women have you got competing for your affections right now?"

"WHAT?" I said, now feeling a spark of annoyance. "What other women?"

"Does that yellow haired bitch still call you?" She asked. "Ooooohhhh JJ you're so FANTASTIC... I wish you would call me again so we can hang out in my club seats and I can stare at your hot body up close..."

"Amanda? Why are you talking about her?"

"Is that her name?" She stopped and thought about it before continuing. "I'm not just talking about her. I saw the text." When she registered my confusion, she proceeded. "From the nation's goddess. You don't remember?"

Jeon Ji Hyun-ssi? When did she text me? Oh yeah, last Friday, right before we came back here after dinner. Memories from that night flashed through my head and I had to shift my position to hide my reaction to even just thinking about what we had been doing before she got called in by her job.

"Was that why you were so turned on that night? Because you were thinking of her?" Her eyes blazed in anger and for a second I thought she was going to throw something at me.

"That text was just a courteous message. A professional message."

Na Jeong walked towards me and I backed away. "Give me your phone," she demanded, her arm outstretched and her palm up.

"I don't have it on me. It's in the kitchen." Without saying a word, she marched to the kitchen and I had no choice but to follow her.

When she spotted it on the counter, she picked it up and scrolled to the message she was looking for.

"'Opppaaaa... What time are you coming next time?'" Na Jeong said in a baby voice. I would laugh except that she looked so serious and there were knives around. Seeing my amused expression, she glared at me. "You think this is funny, right? Well, I think you're a player. An asshole player."

Now I'm mad too. A player? A player? I've loved one woman my whole life and I'm a player? "Now wait just a minute..."

"Where were you tonight? Discussing very important things with Misoo, I guess." She resumed her pacing before meeting my eyes. "Well? Did she cook you your favourite dish?" Shaking her head, she continued. "I made your favourite dish. I did," she muttered more to herself than to me.

"Yes. I went to eat dinner with Misoo and..." I was just about to clarify when she interrupted me.

"I knew it! I KNEW IT!!! I KNEW she was always interested in you. Even six years ago, I saw her watching you. And not just in a professional way."

"She was our team manager, Na Jeong-ah. It's her job to watch us. Why would you even say that? What the hell would even make you think she was interested in me?" My voice started to rise just as loud as hers, I couldn't control my impatience.

"Why wouldn't she be?" She stopped her pacing and motioned her hand up and down my body frantically. "I mean, LOOK AT YOU!"

"She's engaged to In Sung! Remember him? He was at the wedding too! And... And you knew me for six years and you weren't interested," I muttered beneath my breath.

"Are we back to this again?" She yelled. "Is this what this is about? And for your information, I was always interested. But... This is still part of my test, right? You're still testing me to see if I really love you?" She crossed her arms in front of her chest and shook her head. "I can't believe I was perfectly fine waiting forever for you to love me again and I completely fail because I refuse to wait to sleep with you!"

Wait... What? This conversation was moving so fast I don't quite know what's going to come out of her mouth. "Jagiya... What test?" She wants to sleep with me? Trying to wrap my head around what she's alluding to, I continued to watch her with some trepidation, and yes, even growing arousal.

"You're still punishing me! For taking six years to make up my mind about you. You should've just told me you were still undecided! You should have..."

All her assumptions were so off the mark, and thinking now about how much I've held back over the past week has made me angry too. Stalking over to where she stood, I didn't stop until I was looming over her. "I was trying to be a gentleman. I heard you talking to Yoon Jin," I said quietly. She looked up at me with her eyes, made even greener by the dress she was wearing, and I hardened so quickly I thought my knees were going to buckle. Holding my hand against the wall behind her for support, I tried to get my message across again, this time louder. "I. Was. Trying. Not. To. Pressure. You."

"Pressure me?" She sounded genuinely confused. "Why would you need to pressure me? I'm the one who's been trying to seduce you all this time! You're all calm and composed... And I'm running around wearing uncomfortable underwear and high heels! And you? No reaction. NO FUCKING REACTION! I want it so badly I'm practically begging you for it. But you don't give a shit. You don't even want me!"

With only a few inches now separating us, my mind went blank before I closed the distance between us. I pressed my hips against hers until I knew that she felt how hard I was. "Na Jeong-ah... Does this feel like I don't want you? Tell me if this feels like I don't want you." Eyes wide, she looked at me as understanding dawned on her. "Na Jeong-ah... Make no mistake... Just because I hide it better, it doesn't mean that I don't want you every single minute of every single fucking day. You know how my favourite past time is now? I think about all the ways I could make love to you... I obsess about what you're wearing underneath your clothes... And I wonder about what noises you'll make when I'm finally inside you."

She swallowed, her cheeks blushing. Clearing her throat, she finally spoke again. "Show me. Show me what you were thinking about."

##

## Na Jeong

I know what he's trying to do. I won't be fooled. He's trying to distract me. He thought that standing over me will detract me from speaking up. It's really not working. Although, licking my lips, he does smell delicious. Edible almost. I looked up at the pulse jumping on his neck and I had the urge to lick him there. I took a deep breath and allowed myself to savour just having him this close to me again. Even as I fought the desire to throw myself at him, I couldn't help but sigh internally at how his white shirt hugged his chest so well. I've really lost the plot now. Looking at him, I noted the tension on his face, while he kept himself a small distance from me still.

"I was trying to be a gentleman. I heard you talking to Yoon Jin," he said. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah... Him not wanting me. What about my conversation with Yoon Jin? That had nothing to do with this. I was about to point that out when he spoke again, more forcefully this time. "I. Was. Trying. Not. To. Pressure. You."

Feeling the urge to hit him, I almost laughed. Not pressure me? When has he ever shown me that he was even bothered? Realizing that I should be vocalizing this than thinking it, I said exactly what was on my mind. "Pressure me? Why would you need to pressure me? I'm the one who's been trying to seduce you all this time! You're all calm and composed... And I'm running around wearing uncomfortable underwear and high heels! And you? No reaction. NO FUCKING REACTION! I want it so badly I'm practically begging you for it. But you don't give a shit. You don't even want me!"

He took one step towards me as my back hit the wall and his hips were flush against mine. "Na Jeong-ah... Does this feel like I don't want you? Tell me if this feels like I don't want you." I felt his arousal against my stomach and felt the butterflies go berserk in my stomach. Would it be wrong for me to touch it? I was pondering this question when I heard his voice again. Low and husky, I had to concentrate to even understand what he was saying. "Na Jeong-ah... Make no mistake... Just because I hide it better, it doesn't mean that I don't want you every single minute of every single fucking day. You know how my favourite past time is now? I think about all the ways I could make love to you... I obsess about what you're wearing underneath your clothes... And I wonder about what noises you'll make when I'm finally inside you."

Lord help me, but this man makes my knees weak. My heartbeat accelerated in my chest as I digested what he was saying. He thought about those things? All the time? All this damn time he could have let me in on it. Because I think about that too! This is it... He's made his final move. It's time for me to volley back.

I swallowed, feeling my cheeks redden. I cleared my throat, and said, "Show me. Show me what you were thinking about."

His mouth were on mine before I could formulate a plan in my head. His soft lips coupled with the taste of soju registered in my senses. My fingers found the collar of his shirt and unable to open his buttons fast enough, I tugged and vaguely heard the sound of fabric ripping and buttons popping. His hands were on the wall behind me and I struggled to get closer to him. His tongue was in my mouth, and I met his surely, confidently. I moaned from the sensations threatening to overwhelm me even as he continued to suck on my tongue. I arched my back to rub my breasts against his chest, feeling my nipples harden from the contact. My hands wandered from his thick hair to his broad shoulders.

When I felt his hand hesitantly cupping one of my breasts, I grasped it more firmly, showing him that I wanted this as much as he did. I swallowed a moan when his thumb circled my nipple as his lips travelled down to my neck. He turned me over and I held my hands to the wall as his mouth continued to lick and suck on my neck. I can't see him but I felt him all around me. His one hand never lifting my breast he had his other hand low on my stomach that for one minute I wondered if he was going to touch me there. I closed my eyes as I felt his lips kiss the back of my neck and travel down my spine. Even through my dress his lips burned me. Needing to feel him too I turned around as he stood up. I met his eyes with mine and saw that he was breathing hard. His arousal was so evident even with his pants on and I itched to touch and feel him.

Seeing what I was looking at, he took my mouth again passionately and I had to tug mine away so I could taste him. I need to taste him. I stood on tiptoes to kiss his neck, my tongue traveling the path to his chest. I licked and kissed, not stopping until I reached his nipple. I teased and rubbed, my thumb brushing it like he did with mine. I gave his nipple a little nip and smiled when I heard him groan in pleasure. My hands kneaded his back, fingernails digging as I went to cup his taut buttocks. When my tongue landed on his stomach he grasped my arm to pull me up to my feet and then carried me to the bedroom. I kept my arms around his neck as he continued to kiss me.

When he lowered me to the bed, I opened my eyes to see him over me, passion clouding his eyes. Are we ever going to take our clothes off? I thought to myself. I was about to tug the tie that held my dress closed when I felt his hand stop me. Looking into my eyes, he said, voice low and strained, "Let me do it. I want to undress you."

I could only nod wordlessly as he pulled the tie open and saw him swallow at the sight that met him. I was wearing my splurge buy, a demi cup red bra and matching underwear that rode low on my hips. His eyes travelled the length of me and though he didn't touch me, I felt him nonetheless. Before I could ask him to please come back to me, I felt him press his weight on my body. His chest crushing mine, his mouth plundered mine until I was moving my hips restlessly against the hard length of him. I felt him nip my shoulder and then lift himself off of me for a second before he unsnapped the front closure of my bra. Then his hands were on my breasts again, squeezing gently before he took a hardened nipple in his mouth. I felt his tongue licking and sucking even as his other hand continued to cup my other breast. He moved his head to the other side, kissing all the skin in between before taking my other nipple in his mouth. Between my legs, I felt the dampness worsen and embarrassed I hesitated putting my legs around his waist. As if realizing this, he lifted them both to wrap around his waist before he went back to my mouth.

"Does this feel good?" He asked, licking my earlobe gently.

I nodded and he smiled at me. His chest had a sheen of sweat and I wanted to lick it off. But first things first, I unbuckled his belt and threw it down the side of the bed. Unbuttoning his pants, I felt him watching me as I lowered it off his waist. Just wearing his boxers now, I could see his arousal more clearly. I was about to touch it when he chuckled before laying me back down.

"Jagiya... Not yet. I won't last long if you touched me there."

Expecting him to get back on top of me I laid back and closed my eyes. I waited a few minutes to feel him back on me until I felt his hands taking off my panties. My eyes bolted open and I saw him sitting on his knees between my legs, looking as if he was devouring me. Now almost naked on his bed, I felt myself trembling, both with embarrassment and excitement when I realized that my thighs were open and he could see everything. Feeling self-conscious, I tried to close them together, but his hands stopped me.

"Jagiya... Don't close them. You're beautiful. Let me just look at you for a minute." I followed his eyes as they worshipped my body. Feeling a sense of womanly power, I touched my own breasts and saw his arousal twitch in response. I had just closed my eyes again when I felt his lips on my inner thighs while his fingers rolled off my stockings. Fully undressed now, I wondered how I couldn't feel cold at all. My body felt like it was burning up. When I felt his hand on my core, I nearly lifted myself off the bed.

"What... What are you doing?" I stammered. Not taking his eyes off of my center, I saw him lick his lips and my heart pounded uncomfortably. "Joon-ah..."

"Shhh..." He whispered as he lowered his head. "I want to taste you."

"But... But no one's ever done this before."

"I've never done it before either. So we're even." He grinned at me and though uncertain that this was even allowed, I couldn't say no. He knew it too. He knew I could deny him nothing when he smiles at me like that. I felt his callused hand on my stomach, guiding me back down and I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the fact that I'm shaking and that Joon is between my legs about to do something I know nothing about.

When I felt a long finger exploring me, I shut my eyes tightly, unprepared for the barrage of sensation. He touched me gently, tenderly, like I was a prize to be savoured. This is not bad, I thought to myself. This is... All thoughts flew out of my head the moment I felt his tongue touch the sensitive bud between my legs. He was hesitant at first then more sure as he continued to lap at it and touch it with his fingers. Sparks of pleasure shot up my whole body and I grabbed the sheets for support, needing to hold onto something solid. He pried one of my hands off the sheet and placed it on his head.

"Stay with me, Na Jeong-ah..." He asked. I nodded back at him. "Does it feel good?" I could only nod again in response.

He broke out another of his devastating smiles and I would have fallen down had I not already been, well, lying down. I watched as his dark head went back between my legs and more confidently this time, resumed what he was doing. He licked the swollen bud and continued his torture as sensation after sensation washed over me. Just when I thought he could do no more, I felt him slip a finger inside me. He knows how wet I am, I thought, panicking. OHMYGOD. I squeezed my eyes shut even as my hips rebelled and started moving to the rhythm of his fingers and his tongue. He slipped another finger in and I thought I was going to shatter. I felt myself getting lost, unable to fight, unwilling to resist the sensation. I felt the pleasure building up, higher and tighter, even as my hands continued to hold onto his head for dear life. Stop... I thought. Don't stop. I don't know what I want. My head moved restlessly from side to side, but when I felt him suck, I yelled out his name as release took over. Even as I was still trembling I felt his fingers caressing my legs lovingly and when he rose up above me with a smug smile he kissed the tip of my nose.

"Do you know how sexy it was to hear you call out my name?" He said, looking deep into my eyes.

"Really?" I asked. My voice sounded breathy, even to my ears. I felt like a transformed woman.

"I love you so much," he said, hand brushing the side of my face. Just looking at him, I could already feel the desire building inside me again.

"I love you more," I said back with a smile. Your turn, I thought. I slipped my hand between us and pulled off what's left of his clothing. At last, I thought, as my hand circled his smooth hard length. His mouth descended back to mine as I touched him. I could taste myself on his lips and it drove me crazy. I lapped on his tongue as I felt a drop of moisture from the head of his erection. I moved my hand up and down, enjoying his response. His body felt taut with need, his eyes were shut closed as he moved his hips into my hand.

"Jagiya," I said. He opened his eyes and looked at me questioningly. "Please tell me you have protection." When he nodded, I breathed a sigh of relief. "Can you put it on? I want to feel you inside me now. Actually no, I need to feel you inside me now."

He opened his eyes and nodded. He lifted himself off of me and opened his bedside table and pulled out a small foil covered packet. I watched as his hands shakily rolled the condom onto his erection and realized that he was nervous. I looked my fill as his broad shoulders flexed and his abdominal muscles tightened. Even just doing this, he looked so unbelievably sexy. When finally he was positioned on top of me again, I kissed his face tenderly as he watched me.

I felt him lift his hips slightly off of me before he gently slipped his hard length inside me. I tightened around him, my body adjusting to his size slowly. His eyes locked on mine, he thrusted his hips ever so slowly, letting me feel him inch by glorious inch. When he was finally at the hilt, I sighed with pleasure. This felt so right. He's part of me now. Our bodies joined as one, as it was always meant to be. I caressed his cheek with my hand and he kissed the center of my palm.

Then he started moving. I felt his length sliding in and then pulling back, almost until he was completely out. Then he pushed himself in again, deeper and deeper still. His hand went behind my back and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he continued to thrust. He held my waist as he sped up, keeping me grounded, making sure that I met his every move. I felt the sensation build up inside me again every time our hips met. He kissed my lips, eyes wide open, watching every one of my reactions, swallowing every sound I make. I grabbed his buttocks closer, enjoying the flexing of the muscles on his back from the exertion. His skin had a sheen of perspiration, his eyes focused on mine. He lowered his mouth to my nipple even as he slid deeper and deeper inside me, and pleasure took over my whole body. I started shaking, my release building up. He continued to move at the same pace, until I dug my fingernails onto his back to urge him faster. He got my point and tucked his head into the crook of my neck as he sped up. My fingers on his hair, I felt the tension in my body build up and I knew that I was close. He slipped a hand between our bodies, and his finger found the nub between my legs. As he stroked that, he continued to fill me and soon as I was crying his name and grabbing him close to me. He put his mouth back on mine as I felt him tense up. I was still contracting around him as he thrust deeply one more time and groaned my name on his lips before he relaxed, finally in my arms.

Even a few minutes later, neither of us spoke. I was tracing circles on his back and he rested his head on my chest.

"Jagiya... I don't want to... But the condom," he said. Finally looking at me. He blushed bright red and considering what we were just doing, that struck me as funny and I started laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"It's not funny..." I said, planting kisses on his face. "But you're just so cute and I'm so happy right now." He gave me a lopsided smile and lifted his body off of me. I felt the loss as soon as he pulled out and I fought the urge to pout and demand that he come back.

Instead I just watched appreciatively as he walked towards the bathroom. That was... Amazing... Breath-taking... Life changing. Joon was such a generous lover and I can't believe he's all mine. I get to have him forever. I felt giddy but then thought about how many girls he practiced with to be this good. Not liking the direction of my thoughts, I chided myself for being this petty. He wasn't my first, so how can I get mad that I wasn't his? The thought of him being this intimate with someone else made me angry and as I laid back down I wrapped the covers more tightly around me.

I felt him slip under the covers and position himself behind me. Slipping his arms around my waist, I felt his bare legs touching mine, his front still uncovered by any piece of clothing. He pressed a kiss on my neck and spoke.

"You tired?" He asked. When I shook my head no, he continued. "Do you need to call Omma? She might worry that you're not home yet."

I shook my head and answered without looking at him. "Omma, Appa and Sook Sook went to Masan for my cousin's wedding. They won't be home until Monday."

He was still kissing my shoulder when I spoke again. "Joon-ah... How many women have you slept with?" I turned around until I was facing him. "You know how many I've been with... And I've just done it once. But what about you?" When he looked like he was hesitating to tell me, I reassured him. "I won't get mad. And I won't judge you. Just tell me please."

"Does it really matter?" He asked, brows drawn. "Did I make a mistake? Did I do something you didn't like?"

"That's the thing. You were so good. That's why I'm curious." I watched as his eyes avoided mine. When I saw that he really didn't want to tell me, I relented. "Fine... Since you're obviously not going to..."

"Just you," he said. Surprised, I met his eyes as he cleared his throat. "Just you. Only you. Always you."

I wrapped my arms around him even as my mouth opened against his. I was ridiculously pleased to hear that. "But how?" I asked, our mouths only a whisper away from each other. "You were amazing... I mean you knew what to touch..."

"Na Jeong-ah..." He cleared his throat. "I read a lot. Books and magazines. I've studied this extensively. You know... Just in case."

"Videos?"

"Yeah, them too."

"For how long?" I asked. "How long have you been studying this particular subject?"

"Uhm... Since I met you. You know... Just in case." Finally he met my gaze. "Can we stop talking about this? I'm embarrassed."

"Jagiya..." I said, pressing a soft kiss on his lips. "We're done talking about this." I pushed him until he was laying on his back and then I climbed over him. I felt him harden instantly. I grabbed a condom from his table and put it on him. I positioned him at my entrance, then met his eyes. "But I didn't say we were done." I slowly lowered myself on him while resting my hands on his chest and rode both of us into oblivion.

An hour later, he laid on his side with a satisfied smile on his face and opened his arms. I went into them and rested my head on his chest, noting with pleasure that I can smell my perfume on him. I kept my hand over his heart, its slow and steady rhythm lulling me to sleep.

## The next morning

##  Chilbong

I pressed a kiss on Na Jeong's shoulder. Our limbs still tangled together, I watched her sleep for a few minutes. I brushed a stray piece of hair from her face and my heart squeezed inside my chest. She smiled in her sleep and I had to smile back. I've only had two hours of sleep from last night's activities, but I've never felt better. I felt like I could conquer the world.

Mind set on making breakfast by the time she woke up, I carefully disentangled myself from her before quietly making my way to the kitchen. I wrapped a towel around my hips and put the kettle to boil. I started the rice and then padded to the bathroom.

Turning the shower on, I waited for a few minutes for the water to warm up. Finally ready, I took the towel off and stepped into the water. While washing my hair, my thoughts strayed back to last night.

Just when I thought things couldn't possibly get better, they seem to find a way to. How could I have ended up with her? Passionate, earthy, and sensual, she threw her heart and soul into everything she did. I didn't have any expectations... Hell I didn't even know it was going to happen last night, but surely if I did, she far exceeded all of them.

Just remembering all the things we did brought the need back full force. I cannot allow myself to think about it... She's exhausted and so am I. Aren't I? But my erection said otherwise. Chuckling to myself, I tried to will it to calm down, to little success. I started humming the national anthem again and was just about successful when I heard the bathroom door close.

"Jagiya," I called out. "I'm in the shower." Thinking she may need to use the toilet, I said, "I'll be done in a minute so if you want to wait..."

My words stopped when she opened the shower door. She stood there watching me, dressed in my white shirt. She looked me up and down then smiled when she saw my arousal jutting against my stomach. She entered the shower clothed and kissed me on my lips.

"Good morning," she said, a sleepy smile gracing her face.

"Good morning," I responded back. She picked up the soap and started lathering her hands. "Jagiya... Do you want me to wash your hair?" I asked.

She seemed to not hear me, so focused was she on the soap, so I was about to ask her again when she looked at my face. "Yeah. You can wash my hair after."

Momentarily confused, I looked at her with a frown. "After what? I didn't realize we had plans this morning."

"Yah... Kim Jae Joon... You may not have plans but I do. We barely made a dent in your life philosophy last night." She grinned as she started rubbing the soap on my chest. "Don't you think we should remedy that?"

"My life philosophy?" Her soapy hands travelled lovingly over my shoulders and arms. I watched as she licked her lips when she reached my stomach.

"Turn around," she ordered and I complied. "You know... Your 10,000 hours rule. We just broke hmmm... Maybe four hours of it last night?" She rubbed the soap over my back and down to my buttocks. As soon as she touched me there, my stomach tightened and I felt the familiar stirring of arousal coming on. She bent down and started washing my legs, her soft hands traveling up and down. Expecting her to get up, I was surprised when I heard her voice again. "Turn around."

I did as she asked and found her still bent down with her face directly over my groin. Thinking her back may have given out I offered her a hand to help her up, but she ignored it and stayed in the same position. I felt her eyes on me down there, and my erection seemed to get harder the longer she looked at it. She put the soap down and after a few more minutes she put her hands on me and spoke.

"Joon-ah," she said, her tone wondrous. "It's so smooth. It's so smooth so you'd think it would be soft, but it's hard and smooth. Like velvet."

"Na Jeong-ah... Uhmm, yeah." I wasn't really sure what she was talking about, but I do know that she's distracting me. I looked down to her face looking at me with a mesmerized look in her eyes and I told myself to calm down. She's just exploring, I thought. Just like I did last night. I closed my eyes and put my hands against either side of the shower to keep myself steady. I was already thinking about what a bad idea this was when I felt her put my arousal in her mouth.

Shocked, my eyes opened and I looked down. Her mouth warm and wet, I forgot to breathe as I watched her lips travel my length. I saw her tongue peek out as she licked the head.

"Jagiya... What are you doing?" I asked. Her hand at its base, I watched her stroke me before she answered.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" She responded. "I'm returning the favour."

I grabbed her arms and tried to pull her up when she focused her green eyes on me. "You don't have to do that..."

"Yah... Joon-ah... I never do anything I don't want to do. And I know I don't have to do this. But I want to." She took a deep breath and looked at what she was holding again. "I love you. I want to please you. But I'm not just doing this for you, but for me too. I want to taste you, too."

I have never been a religious person, but I so dearly wanted to drop down on my knees right now and thank God or whoever is up there that blessed me with such a woman. She's my dream and fantasy come to life.

I felt her watching me with her impossible eyes and I looked down just in time to see her put me back into her mouth. My knees threatening to buckle, I had to put my palms back against the wall.

The sensation of the water and Na Jeong's mouth doing magic on me made me feel like I am in a dream. I felt her lips close tightly around me and her tongue swirling across my length as her hands stroked me up and down. When I felt her tongue hesitantly touch my sac, I knew I was done.

I pulled her to her feet and touched my lips to hers. She opened her mouth and licked my lips. Our tongues met and mated, even as I pulled her closer to me. Remembering that sex in the shower is not a comfortable thing for women, I lifted her legs onto my hips and carried her out of the shower. When I set her gently on the counter, I finally allowed myself to look at her fully.

The water pretty much made whatever clothing Na Jeong wore moot. I can see everything with the wet white fabric clinging to her like skin. Her breasts were fully visible, her nipples hard under my shirt. My eyes travelled lower and her legs spread, I saw that her core glistened with arousal.

I lowered my hand to stroke her between her legs and her back arched even as she chanted my name. My mouth kissed her neck and down her collarbone to her chest. My lips found her nipple and I sucked on it through the wet fabric of my shirt. Needing to see her, I undid three of the buttons. My mouth still on her breast, one hand cupped her other breast while my other hand caressed her ribcage. Shivering now, she moaned when my mouth travelled to her other nipple. Who knew? Her left nipple was more sensitive than her right. I was about to move her to the bed when she pulled a familiar foil packet from the pocket of my shirt. I kissed her abdomen while rolling the condom on.

Finally ready, I watched her face as I joined our bodies together. Her eyes focused on my lips, I held her head tenderly as I started slipping in and out of her. Her breath came in little gasps, and her mouth met mine in a frenzy. Trying to make it last is impossible when she's digging her nails from one hand down my back and her other hand was on my buttock urging me to go faster, harder and deeper.

When she sobbed my name out, I met her eyes, so full of love for me and felt my body tighten. Still with our eyes locked together, I felt her core contract all around my hardness and I let go and emptied myself in her. Sparks of pleasure shot up from my spine and I could feel the tingling all the way down to my toes. My eyes burned from sweat and I felt myself collapse on top of her.

I stayed on top of her, our bodies still joined, until I felt her heart beat slow down. She was still running her fingers through my hair when I heard her stomach rumble. She rubbed herself consciously but looked at me hopefully. I chuckled and lifted myself off of her.

"Are you hungry?" I asked.

She blushed a pretty pink colour before answering. "All the extra activities have made me want to eat more. A woman cannot live on love alone."

I kissed her forehead. "Neither can a man," I said with a grin. "What do you want to eat?"

She raised her eyebrows at me suggestively and I knew what she was going to say before she even said it. "Major Leaguer's ramyun... Kim Jae Joon's ramyun... My man's ramyun."

"Is that right?" I answered in dialect and she pushed me. "Let me clean up and put some clothes on and I'll make it for you."

"No," she said, shaking her head. "You're done doing everything on your own." She took my hand as she climbed down from the counter. "I'll get dressed too. We'll make it together."

# FIFTH INNING

## December 9, 2000

## 9:30 a.m.

##  Chilbong

Na Jeong in the shower. What a memory. Barely an hour has passed since we were there and my mind couldn't help but wander back again. We sat at the kitchen table, facing each other with our legs intertwined. There was a small pot of ramyun between us, just like we've shared so many times before.

Her hair was wrapped in a towel and she's wearing one of my old jerseys. Her toes were bare and she lifted her feet, her toes brushing my calves all the way up, to rest on my lap under the table. Her eyes were joyful and her cheeks were glowing. She looked like a well-loved woman.

I couldn't even stop myself from feeling giddy I was so happy. I served some ramyun in the bowl and put it in front of her. She took a deep appreciative whiff before taking a bite. When she closed her eyes I was captivated again. She had that same look of undiluted pleasure as she did when I was inside her. "Good?" I asked.

"Delicious," she said, eyes fixed on mine. Her gaze travelled to my lips and she licked her own. "I want it every single day."

I cleared my throat. "Ramyun's not healthy for you. It's high in sodium and..."

"I wasn't talking about ramyun." She cheekily grinned at me and I couldn't help but smile back. I watched her get up and reach for some glasses and I watched transfixed as my jersey lifted up over her buttocks. She was still naked underneath. Those calves were just around my waist an hour ago.

I get up slowly so I can be around her. My body responding to her every move, I placed a kiss on the back of her neck.

"Joon-ah," she whispered. Glasses in her hands, she turned around to face me. I lowered my lips to hers just as she was about to speak.

She smelled like a combination of myself and her own unique scent. Possessiveness ran through my veins so quickly even I was startled by it. All mine, I thought as I kissed her mouth. Her hands ran through my hair and my hands went straight to her hips. She was trembling by the time I was finished kissing her.

I walked back to the table as she stayed standing, one hand on her lips and the other holding onto the counter behind her. Within a few minutes she was sitting back at the table with a frown on her face.

"You're a tease," she complained. "You can't just kiss me like that and then stop."

"Yah... I know my Na Jeong-ie." I calmly looked at her. "You need to eat first before doing anything else. I promised your parents I'd take good care of you."

The corner of her mouth turned up for a reluctant smile. "I love you," she said, eyes looking into mine.

"I love you more," I responded, eating some ramyun.

"Why can't I win, just once?" Her tone was of annoyance but her eyes were teasing. I grinned at her.

"You win all the time," I answered. "You won four times last night and once this morning. Is that not enough?"

"You're right." I felt her foot curling against mine under the table. She took another bite of ramyun before she spoke again. "Jagiya, about my crazy talk last night..."

"Hmm?" I set down the glass of water I was drinking to look at her.

"I didn't mean to call Amanda a bitch... Well, I kind of did. And I wasn't being horrible to Jeon Ji Hyun-ssi either, even though I was. I'm sure she's a perfectly nice girl." Her cheeks coloured and she looked away.

"Don't forget about Misoo," I reminded her. I shook my head as I continued eating. "Why were you so fixated on her anyway?"

"I don't know..." She said, thinking. "I saw her text and when you weren't at dinner I freaked out."

"You could have just asked me," I said gently. I looked at her as she bit her lower lip. The texture of those lips is imprinted in my memory, and I wanted to bite them too. "You could have come with me. They like you."

"Really?" She asked smiling. "How can they like me when they don't know me?"

"Well... Your name kept popping up when I was on my date with Amanda. So I told her about you. Ji Hyun-ssi saw your picture in my bag. So I told her about you too." I looked at my ramyun bowl, a little embarrassed. "And Misoo already knew of you..."

"How?" I heard her ask.

"Your picture was in my baseball cap in Yonsei... You know that." I explained, finally meeting her eyes. "You were my lucky charm since then... You still are."

"Joon-ah..." She said, touched.

"Don't go all soft on me," I teased. "I like it when you curse."

"Aish..." Na Jeong finished her bowl and put her chopsticks down. I finished mine quickly and set my bowl down on the table as well. "Joon-ah," she started. "That cow and milk conversation..."

"I must say... I've never seen anyone get so emotional about cows and dairy products." I started chuckling at the memory.

"But... But I'm not the cow that gives the milk for free, right?" She asked, her tone worried, insistent. "Like the cow is not less valuable now that you've sampled the milk, right?"

"I love the milk," I responded. Oh yeah, I love the milk. "But the cow... I love the cow no matter what. Milk or not, that would never change."

"Never is a long time," she said suspiciously. "What if you get tired of the cow?"

"Jagiya... Forever is a long time too, but that's what I'm planning to do." I thought about her next question. "And the cow," this cracked me up so much I started laughing. "We have to stop talking in cow and milk terms. Please stop talking in code," I requested. I finally stopped laughing long enough to take a breath. "People might think we're into strange things."

At this she started laughing too, and the sound of her laughter made me start again until I was holding my stomach I was laughing so hard. I look over at her and when she met my gaze, all amusement went out of her eyes and it was now replaced by a quiet intensity. I leaned back on the chair as she fiddled with the utensils on the table. Awareness sparked in my stomach and I clenched my jaw. My heart racing in my chest, I took her face in quietly. "Do you feel better now?" She nodded at me and smiled.

"What about you?" She asked as she was getting up to put the pot in the sink.

"Not quite." I walked to where she stood and put my arms around her as I tucked my head into her neck. I took the towel off her hair and watched it fall halfway down her back. Placing a kiss on her shoulder, I turned her to face me. Her eyes were watching me for my next move, all too aware of my desire for her. She ran her fingers down my face gently and I leaned into her touch.

When I kissed her lips, she was already in the process of taking my shirt off. She threw it onto the floor as I savoured her taste in my mouth. Her lips still connected with mine I lead her to the nearest surface I can find. Table... This will do. When her back hit the table she grimaced but didn't take her lips from mine. I lifted her onto the table until she was flat on her back.

"Ouch," she said, her head hitting a bowl. I cleared the table with my arm and she started giggling when table items hit the floor with a thud. "Jagiya..."

"Hmm?" My mouth was already on her neck, kissing the sensitive spot. I could see her breasts from the opened collar of my jersey and was about to touch them when she spoke.

"There's something digging into my shoulder." I felt the table under her and fished a chopstick out. She sighed my name when my mouth was finally on her breasts again. I unbutton the jersey as I kissed my way down her stomach. Legs trembling, she continued to watch but didn't stop me.

My fingers found her core before my mouth did. I kissed her inner thighs even as my hands grabbed her waist. I gave her a little lick and I heard her moan. Her hands were on my shoulders, holding on even as I sucked on her. I will never get tired of this, I thought, savouring the taste of her desire. All mine, I thought greedily as I lapped at her and flexed my fingers inside her. She moved restlessly on the table, her hips dancing a primal rhythm. If she moaned any louder, the neighbours would hear us and I would be finished before I was even inside her.

I stood up and was about to go the bedroom when I heard her speak.

"The chair, Joon-ah... There's a condom on the chair." Her voice was breathy, husky from passion. I looked at her seat and sure enough, there was one sitting there.

"Who brings a condom to eat breakfast?" I laughingly asked even as my hand was rolling it on.

Her face serious, she responded, "I wanted to be prepared, just in case."

"Such a thoughtful woman, uri Na Jeong-ie," I whispered. Detecting that she was about to ascertain whether I was being sarcastic or not, I brought my weight back down onto hers and watched as her eyes closed as I slid into her.

"Jagiya... You feel so good," she said. She moved her hips even as I stayed still, enjoying how tight she felt around me. When I finally started moving, her pretty lips opened and I watched as she writhed to get even more of me.

Pleasure spread all over my body as I watched her. She looked like a siren and I was powerless to deny her anything. Though a little roughly, I picked her up from the table and wrapped her legs around my hips. I was determined to make it to the bed, but as soon as she started kissing my neck, I knew that the bedroom was too far away.

I pressed her back against the fridge, and unsure if this was hurting her, stopped kissing her long enough to ask. She didn't reply but kissed my mouth instead, her lips and tongue insistent. I flexed my hips against her wetness and was gifted with an answering moan. I continued to thrust in an even pace, until her moans got louder and her nails dug into me. Feeling that her release was near, I sped up faster and felt the tightening on my stomach.

"Shhh jagiya..." I said as I continued to support her weight with one arm and put my other hand to gently cover her mouth. "I have to live here and it's the weekend. The neighbours might report us to the police."

She blushed so prettily but nodded anyway. She pulled my hand off her mouth and started sucking on my fingers instead, bringing up memories of her doing the same to another part of my anatomy earlier today. As she continued to suck and lick, I slid deeper and deeper into her, lost in sensation. She said my name as she came, her eyes opening to look into mine. As I felt her tighten around me, the tension on my spine exploded and I felt like I was going to pass out as I reached my climax. We took a few minutes looking at each other after and catching our breaths. Suddenly, my arms felt like jelly and I watched as a blissful smile broke out on her face. She bonelessly slid her feet down to the floor, and I put my a steadying hand on her hips lest she fell. I understand the feeling all too well... My knees felt close to buckling too.

Looking like she was steady, I watched as she carefully walked in the kitchen, picking up the fallen items on the table and putting them in the sink. She turned to me with her hands on her hips and eyes twinkling. "We're going to have to sanitize everything," she mock complained.

"Yeah," I said with a grin. "I'm just going to the bathroom to clean up." I walked towards the direction of the bathroom, shaking my head at how such a thing just happened in my kitchen.

"Okay," she said.

When I walked back out, the dishes have been washed and are now drying on the rack. She was dressed and was sitting on the living room couch and rifling through her purse, her brows drawn.

"Did you lose something?" I asked, looking around the living room.

"I thought I put it in here." She continued searching and then sighed as she started disentangling her hair with her fingers. "Jagiya... If I'm going to be staying over here a lot, you're going to need to install a full length mirror in the bedroom. I have to look decent going to work."

"Ah, that reminds me," I walked back to the bedroom and pulled out a medium box. Setting it carefully on the coffee table, she looked up at me.

"What's that?" She asked, pointing at the box.

"Uhmm," I began, not quite knowing where to start. I hope this will not freak her out. "I bought the mirror for you, when I went to the store to get candles the night we went out with Dong Joon and Jin Yi noona... It's in my closet. I just have to install it. And I got these too," I said as I opened the box.

"Joon-ah..." She whispered as she started pulling out all the items until the box was empty. There was lotion, face cream, makeup remover sheets, a hairbrush, a bottle of shampoo and conditioner, and a toothbrush. There was also a tube of her lip gloss on the table.

"Are you freaked out? I still have the receipts if you don't want them," I babbled on. I was getting up to put them all back in the box when she took my hand and kissed it.

"Thank you," she said, her eyes filling up with tears. "This was so thoughtful. I love them. But, how did you know? These are the brands that I use."

"I called Yoon Jin and asked," I responded. "I already have a hair dryer, but it's not fancy. We can get another one if you want. And Yoon Jin couldn't remember the brand of lip gloss you used, so I just guessed." Well, not guessed per se... I had to sample all the lip glosses on the makeup counter to find one that replicated hers in colour and taste, much to the amusement of the sales people, and to my chagrin.

"So that night of the dinner, you really were planning on having our first night together?"

"Yeah..." I said, feeling a little embarrassed. She pulled me back down to sit next to her and pressed a gentle kiss on my lips.

"I love you," she whispered. "You didn't have to do this. I was just going to bring some of my stuff over and keep them here once I got your approval. "

"I'm just putting the pieces in place." She sent me a questioning glance. "I want you to remember this if I make you mad one day."

She smiled at me and then picked up the hairbrush. "Should I cut my hair?" She asked. "It's so long now and sometimes I'm just too tired from work to brush it out."

"I like your hair long," I said, prying her hand loose on the brush. "But I liked it short too. You're beautiful either way." I started brushing her hair as she turned around to look out the windows. I leaned myself back on one arm of the couch sideways and pulled her to the space between my legs. I marvelled at her long hair, enjoying the feel of it in my hands. Delicate, yet strong, her hair was just like her. One day, when we have a daughter... Wait. Where did that thought just come from? I shook my head at my fast forward thinking and I was still pondering this question when I heard her speak.

"Joon-ah... Have you ever gone to an amusement park?" she asked.

"No," I said. "My parents were always busy when I was young. And when I was old enough to go on my own, baseball took up all of my time."

"We should go, one day. I think you'll really like it."

"Okay."

"What's your favourite colour?" She asked.

"It's blue," I responded. "My first jersey was blue and I associated it with good things. Although recently I've been more partial to red."

She sat quietly as I finished up brushing her hair. After I put the hairbrush down, she took my hand and intertwined her fingers into it. "I feel like there's so much I still need to find out about you, but I can't think of anything right now."

"That's okay," I said, pulling her into my arms. "We have time."

I felt her nod under my chin. "Yeah," she said, her voice gentle and contented. "We have time."

## January 1, 2001

## 7:00 a.m.

##  Na Jeong

I woke up to Joon's arms around my waist, his eyes deep in slumber. Enjoying the feel of his arm on me, I snuggled more tightly under the sheets and smiled as he whispered my name. He placed a kiss on my shoulder and promptly fell back asleep.

As I watched him sleeping, I thought back on the past month. It feels like we are caught up in a dream and sometimes I still find myself pinching my cheeks to make sure that it's real. I have never been so happy in my life, and it scared me.

Joon is the best boyfriend ever. Considerate, thoughtful, passionate and loving... I am amazed by him every day. He is so focused on everything without neglecting any other part of his life. He's devoted to spending as much time with me as possible while keeping up with his training and managing all of his other professional obligations. His ability to multi task never ceases to amaze me. He really was something else.

I've started riding the bike during the weekends so I can accompany him as he ran. Though we didn't speak much, it felt good just to be around him. We get to enjoy the beautiful days together and sometimes the not so beautiful days. I remembered one weekend as he got ready to run even as it was raining, I put my raincoat on too and he tried to stop me.

"You need to stay here," he said. "You're going to get sick."

"No," I insisted. "If you're in the rain, I'll be in the rain too."

Seeing as he was about to insist on me staying at home, I just kissed him until he gave in. We ended up going out an hour and a half later and by then the rain had already stopped. Needless to say he has since then tried to say no to me purposefully several times, and I'm convinced that he just did it so I can 'persuade' him. Not that I minded anyways...

Joon was also an amazing lover. Curious, generous and unabashedly in love, he was unafraid to try anything and everything. He delighted in every sensation and reciprocated every movement. Even now I feel flushed thinking of all the positions we've tried, some unsuccessfully. His good humour made it so easy to be shameless with him. I have never laughed so much. And I've lost count of how many times we've had to clean parts of the apartment. I think we've just about conquered every flat surface here.

We played outside when the first snow came, bringing back memories of us doing the same not even a year before. We spent Christmas at home with my family, and spent last night with the gang. It was nice to see everyone gathered together with their partners. And with Yoon Jin pregnant with her first child, it felt like we've all finally grown up. When the clock struck midnight, I did a countdown for Joon, whispered the numbers as they went down, and pressed my lips to his for all to see. We shared our New Year's wishes between kisses, and planned to make all of them come true.

Looking out at the snow falling outside, I thought about how curious it was that time went by so slowly when he was gone, but now it seems to be speeding up too quickly. His impending departure next month weighed heavily on me, but I tried not to show it. Joon seemed unconcerned about it, but I was. He's never been in a long distance relationship before, but I have. I know how easily it can break even what appeared to be a strong relationship.

I looked over at Joon and brushed a stray of hair from his handsome face. How can I be so in love with this man? Little by little, I am getting to know him better, storing each piece I discover in my heart and in my mind. My Joon file... One that I planned on filling up with everything I learn about him as we share our lives together.

Speaking of which, Joon's birthday is coming up soon. I looked over at the calendar and was disappointed to see that his birthday is on a Wednesday. Though he said it wasn't a big deal, to me it is a very big deal. How can I not celebrate the day this beautiful man was born?

I thought about what we can do to make that day memorable for him, and a bright idea came to my head. I chuckled to myself at his impending reaction before I curled back up against him in bed. I watched the snow even as my eyes succumbed to sleep.

## January 17, 2001

## 8:00 a.m.

##  Chilbong

I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I waited for Na Jeong to come out of the house. She had insisted that I sleep in for my birthday, but I found that I don't sleep as well at the apartment when she's not there with me.

I don't know what the big deal is about birthdays anyway. To me it was just another day. Growing up I was lucky if my parents managed to be home in time to have dinner with me. And luckier if they made it through the meal without barbed words and accusations. Eventually I stopped wishing for all of us to be together. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders when they finally divorced. At last I had some semblance of peace in my life.

I've never known true happiness. I've never even known that such a thing existed. To me that was like a mythical idea... Lovely to think about, but too unrealistic to materialize. And I was okay with it. Until now. For someone like me who is unused to extremes of emotion outside baseball, it's not always a comfortable feeling. Worrying about someone else, taking care of someone else, trying to understand how someone else's mind works... Those were all alien concepts for me. But Na Jeong changed all that.

She asks me every day how my day went and listens intently even though all the days were much the same as the ones before. She worries about what I eat and how much I sleep. She sends me cute messages throughout the day to tell me she's thinking about me, while she's at work and even if she was just in the next room. I had to laugh last night when she called me at exactly 12:01 am to sing happy birthday to me. She sounded half asleep, like she set her alarm clock just to be the first person to greet me. I listened, wanting to laugh in joy but as I listened to her sweet voice, my eyes filled up with tears of happiness instead. Even after we hung up and I was trying to get a handle on my emotions, my phone vibrated with a message.

It may be your birthday but it's a special day for me too. It's the day the world brought you to me. I can't wait to celebrate it with you. I love you more than more.

I'll miss her so much when I go back to San Francisco. She doesn't talk about it, but I know she's worried about my leaving in a month. I see the uneasiness in her eyes whenever it gets mentioned. To be perfectly honest, I'm not worried at all. My commitment to her and our relationship exceeds borders and national lines. It exceeds time and space. I am in this for life. We really need to talk about it... I know that, but we always seem to find, ahem, other interesting things to do together instead.

My thoughts were interrupted when I saw her walking awkwardly down the path. Her face broke out in a smile when she spotted my car. I got out of the car and she came running into my arms. Bundled in her coat and my gloves, she wrapped her arms around me. She stood on tiptoes and gave me a kiss. I held her close for a few minutes before walking to her side of the car to open her door. She placed her purse and a shopping bag on the foot well as I made sure she was safely in the car before I closed the door.

We held hands as I drove her to work. I watched as she turned the radio on and sang along with the song playing. She rested her head on my shoulder as I thought about what I had to do today. I parked in front of her building and waited for her to open the door as she usually does. Instead she stayed sitting and with a shy smile, handed me the shopping bag. I looked at it curiously. It looked like it was from a clothing store but I didn't recognize the name. Agent Provocateur? What's that? She knows I'm horrible with French names. I still laugh remembering the time when she finally told me how to say Tous Les Jours properly.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Your birthday gift," she said. "Well... Only one of them. The other you can't have until tonight." She leaned over and kissed me, then got out of the car. "Jagiya, don't forget about dinner, okay?" She winked at me from the window and I watched as she walked slower than usual into her building. I wondered briefly if her back was bothering her again but then I realized that her back hasn't stopped her from performing extracurricular activities.

I looked at the pink shopping bag and for a moment I was going to opt to opening it when I got home. Curious, though, I decided to see what it was now. Pulling out crumpled sheets of black tissue from the top, I reached in and lifted a wisp of fabric in blue so dark it was almost black. The material was as soft as silk in my hands, with delicate lace as straps and the same lace covering the top half of the bodice. Is it a dress? I was briefly puzzled and thought that maybe she had given me the wrong bag.

I lifted it up to take a closer look. The neckline is a little too low... What is she going to cover up with that? The material is too thin... She's going to freeze her butt off. This slit... This slit is too high! Is she showing the world her hips or what? This is way too short to be a dress and I think they forgot to finish it or they ran out of material, because the back is... Totally non-existent. It's not that I am a controlling boyfriend but I really don't think Na Jeong would wear this out. It's just not practical at all. I then spotted a contraption on the bottom of the bag and pulled out a weird looking belt with straps and buckles hanging from it. Wait... I've seen this before... In some of the videos for research. Did Na Jeong get me lingerie for my birthday? I spied a small card that I had accidentally discarded with the tissue. Reading her handwriting, I grinned from ear to ear.

Jagiya... Surely you didn't think I'd expect you to wear it? Imagine me in this tonight... Can't wait to see your face. Love you.

Putting it back carefully in the bag, I reached for my hand phone and sent her a text.

You tease. Now I'll be thinking about you in and out of it the entire day. I love you more.

Within seconds I received my response and it made me laugh.

I knew you would open it in the parking lot. Remember that patience is a virtue. ;p

XOXOXO Love you way beyond more.

Feeling like the luckiest man on earth, I drove to the gym. I think I finally understand a little why people love birthdays. With Na Jeong by my side, I think I'll start loving them too.

## January 17, 2001

## 5:00 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

I shut my computer monitor off and prepared to leave work for the day. I had planned on taking the day off but decided to take a long weekend instead. As I waited for the elevator, I spotted some people coming out of the gym in the building and had to hide the smile that came on my face thinking of Joon's message from earlier.

Thanks to your little present, I had to work out another extra hour just to keep my mind preoccupied. Best be prepared, Na Jeong-ah. I might not be so gentle tonight.

When am I ever not prepared? HE best be prepared. My heart started hammering in my chest... Not from nerves but excitement. This is the first birthday where we both knew where we stood. Being in love together was wonderful.

I've been in love before, but not like this. The world is in vivid colours again and I have hope for our future. If only he didn't have to go back. Don't think about it that now, I scolded myself. Today's a day for celebrating, not worrying.

By the time the elevator arrived on the ground floor, all thoughts of Joon leaving have been replaced by our plans for tonight. Joon said he liked Japanese food, so I made reservations for all of us at Asosan nearby, then we'll all go to a noraebang. We were all just together for New Year's Eve, but we all don't spend as much time together anymore. I even invited Oppa and his new girlfriend along, but seeing that he and Joon haven't spoken in almost six years, he declined, saying that it might be awkward. Joon still gets a little funny when I mention Oppa. I could understand where they're both coming from but this situation will need to be rectified at some point. I don't like having to walk on eggshells around this issue, with either one of them.

As I exited my office building, I spotted Joon's car parked right along the curb. As soon as he saw me, he got out of the car, as he usually does. When I saw him, I had to hold myself back from whistling. I looked him up and down appreciatively. His hair was slicked back, and he wore a white dress shirt with the top unbuttoned and slacks that sat low on his hips. His shoulders appeared even broader than usual, his chest wider than usual. His pants fit him perfectly, emphasizing his lean hips and taut buttocks. And those long long legs. He wore no other accessory but his watch, which he now tapped jokingly when I finally met his eyes. I love Joon's body, but his face... His face is my most favourite part of him. Laughing, frowning, lost in confusion, lost in me, I devoured all of his expressions. Like a little boy sometimes, but always a man. My Joon is a study in contradictions, and I've enjoyed peeling back layer upon layer of what made him, well, him.

I sped up towards him and he met me halfway, taking my purse from my arm and taking my hand in his. Aware that there were people around us and that he might be recognized, I tried to pull away. Instead he just held on even tighter and intertwined our fingers together.

"It's my birthday," he said. "And I want to hold Sung Na Jeong's hand." He led me towards his car, his strides confident. "How was work?"

"It was busy, but good," I responded as I looked at his face. "How was your day?"

"It's been good. I went to the gym and worked out," he answered as he opened my door. I sat down on the passenger seat and watched as he walked around the car to his door. Once seated, he leaned over and gave me a thorough kiss. "Do we have time before dinner? It's been days since we've... You know... And it's all I can think about all day."

I was still recovering from his kiss when his words registered in my brain. Opening my eyes, I said, "Aigoo... Wasn't it just a week ago that you said we might be doing it too much? Make up your mind, won't you?"

He brushed his thumb over my cheek and fixed his eyes on my lips before responding. "And didn't you say just that same day that we were only just doing it enough?" He smiled at me. "Can't we move the reservation to a couple of hours later?"

I playfully pushed him away and answered. "No... We already told everybody what time they needed to be there. Also, everyone has work in the morning and Yoon Jin is pregnant."

He sighed and turned the key in the ignition. As we made our way to Cheongdamdong, I wondered how he would react to his other birthday present. I giggled silently to myself but straightened my face when he looked over at me.

"Jagiya... Did Omonim and Abonim call you today?" I asked.

He shook his head no. When I frowned at him, he said, "Yah... Didn't I tell you birthdays aren't a big deal? How many times do I have to tell you my family is not like yours? Omma texted, but Appa is busy." He stayed silent again as he guided the car into the parking space. Once safely parked, he turned to see me still with my eyebrows drawn. Smoothing the line with his finger, he said, "Jagiya, it's fine. I'm okay... You worry too much."

He does this every single time the topic of his parents come up. We can talk and discuss everything under the sun, but whenever talk his family comes up, he just puts a wall up. He can't seriously expect me to believe that this doesn't bother him. I know him well enough now that I know avoiding talking about it is just his way of self-defence. I was about to point this out when he spoke.

"I see Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin waiting outside the restaurant. Let's go... We can't starve a pregnant woman."

I opened the car door and stepped out. I waited for him to lock the car then took his hand in mine. We walked together towards the couple and broke apart when Samcheonpo greeted Joon with a hug.

"Chilbong-ah, happy birthday!" He said. Grabbing Joon's arm into the restaurant, I heard him speak again. "Everyone's here already."

Yoon Jin and I followed them both inside. Her arms interlocked with mine, I whispered, "Did you tell the restaurant it's his birthday?"

"Yeah," she whispered back. "And I already gave them the cake for dessert."

"Thanks.... You feeling any better?"

She nodded then looked at me more closely. "Did, you know, really hurt?"

I cupped my hands to her ear before responding. "They said it would hurt just a little. But it hurt A LOT... Didn't you notice that I'm still walking funny?"

"Yeah, I thought that you looked a little strange."

We started giggling together and Samcheonpo and Joon looked at both of us curiously. I spotted everyone at the table and was glad to see that they all made it. Binggrae and Jin Yi Unnie, Haitai and Ae Jung... Everyone's made an effort to be here and looking at Joon's expression I know that he appreciated it. I watched as Haitai and Binggrae got up to greet Joon and as their partners hugged him as well. Joon held out his hand to me and I walked over to him as he pulled a chair out for me.

Once we were all seated, everyone ordered drinks except for Yoon Jin, who just ordered orange juice. I heard the flow of conversation around me as I perused the menu. Thinking about what I wanted to eat, I heard Joon whisper in my ear.

"Do you think it would be rude if I asked everyone to just order one item?"

I elbowed him before I said yes. I shook my head at him but I still felt like laughing. I've never seen him so light-hearted and I enjoyed seeing him so content. I brushed his hair with my fingers. "What did I tell you earlier? Patience is..."

"... A virtue. Yeah... But it's a virtue I could do without tonight." Our eyes met and he kept his gaze on my lips. I don't know how long we sat staring at each other, but I heard a couple of people clear their throats before I heard Haitai's voice.

"These two... Yah... We're all right here," he bristled. I heard the women laugh and he continued. "There's a young lady here waiting for us to order while you two are making googly eyes at each other." I tore my eyes away from Joon to see Haitai turn to our server. "You have to excuse them... They haven't been together long," he explained apologetically.

We placed our orders and thankfully Joon didn't protest much when people ordered multiple items. I spent the time waiting for food catching up with the women while Joon spoke to the men. It wasn't long until the food came and I was getting ready to tuck in when I heard Binggrae speak.

"Joon-ah... You have to leave again next month, right? Let me know the date so I can drive you to the airport," he said as his wife fed him a piece of sushi.

My stomach dropped at this reminder and I pushed my spoon around in my bowl. I felt Joon's eyes on me and felt his hand squeeze mine.

"Yeah... I'll let you know what the exact date is. Hyung is still waiting for the schedule from management," he answered. "You might not need to drive me though. I'm hoping for Na Jeong to see me off." He turned to look at me. "You will see me off, right?"

I tried to put a smile on my face as I nodded. I forced myself to eat the noodles I ordered and tried to calm the nerves in my stomach. Joon kept his arm around my chair as everyone ate. I was just finishing up my food when I saw a group of servers approach the table with a lit birthday cake. I heard them singing and put my chopsticks down to look at Joon. Though he looked a little embarrassed, he was smiling widely as the gang joined in.

Once the cake was placed in front of him, I reminded him to make a wish before blowing the candles out. He smiled at me and whispered that he already had his wish but closed his eyes anyway before blowing them out. Everyone clapped and I handed him a knife so he can start cutting the cake for everyone to have a piece. Once he was done, I had the server pack up the rest of the cake for us to take home. Joon took out his wallet when the bill came only for Haitai to stop him.

"It's our treat," he said. "All of us have already pooled money together for your birthday." He turned to everyone and asked, "Are we all ready? The noraebang is near here so we can all just walk over."

"I didn't know there was a plan for that too," Joon whispered in my ear as he helped me into my coat.

"Jagiya... It's your birthday. And we don't have to stay long," I whispered back as I wrapped a scarf around his neck. "Don't be such a cry baby."

"What?" He said. "We are short on time. We only have a couple of hours before you have to go home. Plus you have work in the morning too."

I shook my head. "No... Actually I took two days off work." Pressing a soft kiss on his lips, I whispered, "You have me all night... And tomorrow. And Friday too."

"Really?" He asked incredulously before breaking into a big smile and I nodded.

"So put on your big boy pants and suck it up, huh?"

I watched as the others exited the restaurant hand in hand and we followed along. I was putting my gloves on when I noticed Joon putting a familiar pair on as well.

"Jagiya... Where did you get those gloves?" I asked after Joon put the cake box in the car. We were walking right behind Binggrae and Jin Yi Unnie and I moved closer to Joon to stay warm.

"Omma sent it to me when they sent me a package in San Francisco," he replied. "You really didn't know? That they kept in touch with me?"

"No..." I said. "Or I would have just shown up at your door." I chuckled. "Maybe it's a good thing I didn't know. I wasn't ready for you then."

"What happened when I was gone?" He asked. "You never did tell me."

"Not much... I just found myself, that's all." Looking up I found that we've arrived at the noraebang and soon we were all filing into a room. Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin were looking at the book for a song to sing when I looked at Joon taking his coat back off. I admired the way his back muscles flexed under his shirt and he caught me looking at him licking my lips.

"Yah..." He said. "You need to stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?" I asked innocently. "I was just enjoying the view. You're an extremely good looking man."

We sat down together and I couldn't help but notice that he's already hiding his groin. I was going to tease him about it but he was staring intently at Haitai who was now singing, as if willing him to sing faster. I shook my head at his impatience, and as the song closed, was surprised when he grabbed our coats and scarves.

"We have to go," he said. "I just realized that Na Jeong and I have to be somewhere else."

"We do?" I asked. He put my coat around me and wrapped my silk scarf around my neck.

"Yes, we do. You don't remember?" He answered and looked at me pointedly. I blinked at him as it dawned on me that he can't wait any longer. Excitement ran through my veins and I started putting my gloves on quickly.

Everyone was still looking at us even as we made our way out the door. Both silent, we practically ran to where we parked the car. Once inside the car, Joon smoothly pulled out of the space and drove to the apartment. He looked focused and I didn't want to distract him, but he just looked so delicious that I couldn't help but press a kiss on his neck as he drove. My hand automatically went to the button on his shirt and I started undoing it even as he shifted gears. His skin was so warm, I thought. I debated about touching his arousal for about ten seconds before I decided why not.

## Chilbong

When I felt Na Jeong's fingers on my groin, I was convinced we were going to get into an accident. My foot slipped off the brakes and I really thought we were going to collide into the vehicle in front of us. That would certainly have made the evening news.

"Jagiya... What are you doing?" I asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" She asked, not looking at me, her eyes focused on where her hands were. "I'm staking my claim."

"Weren't you the one that kept insisting that patience is a virtue?" I really should stop her, but whatever she's doing with her hand feels too good.

"That was for you, not me," she replied.

My heart started jackhammering inside my chest when I saw her adjusting the way she sat. Nervous now about what she's about to do, and even more nervous that I wouldn't be able to focus on anything, I breathed a sigh of relief when the apartment entrance came into view. I parked the car before she got any more ideas in her head.

She and I got out of the car and went into the elevator. She stayed standing in front of me and I was thankful for it. When her behind pressed against my arousal, I thought I was going to go crazy and take her right here.

We exited the elevator and walked briskly to the apartment hand in hand. I entered the code and as soon as we stepped into the door, I turned to Na Jeong and kissed her. Her response was instantaneous and she opened her mouth as soon as my lips touched hers. With her tongue in my mouth, I struggled to unbutton her coat. She slipped her arms off and resumed sucking on my tongue. Her hand was already unbuttoning my pants but she pushed my hand away when I lifted her skirt.

"Not yet," she whispered, her mouth moving on to my neck. She unbuttoned my shirt with her fingers and blew on my nipple before taking it in her mouth. I felt her mouth on my stomach as she continued to caress my arousal through my pants. "Jagiya... Sit down on the couch."

I would have done anything she asked at this moment in time. She led me to the couch as she grabbed her scarf from the floor. I was about to ask why she would need her scarf when she spoke again.

"Where did you put the present I handed you earlier?" She asked.

"Bedroom. Closet." I'm unable to form a coherent sentence right now.

She sat me down on the couch and asked me to close my eyes. I felt her straddle my lap before feeling her place something silky over my eyes.

"Na Jeong-ah, what... What are you doing?" I asked, nervous but excited too.

"It's a surprise," she whispered and I felt her nibble on my lower lip. I don't really like surprises but I trust Na Jeong. "Wait just a minute. No peeking!"

I slipped off my shirt in the meantime and stayed seated just wearing my pants. I really really hope that there aren't a group of people hiding in the bedroom or something for a surprise party. I am in no condition at all to be around people at this time. I heard some shuffling going on in somewhere and I wondered if I should be laying down. That would be too obvious. I heard the fridge door open and figured that she must be putting the cake in. Finally I heard a whisper of footsteps in front of me.

"Can I take the blindfold off now?" I asked.

"Not yet," she whispered. "I kind of like you helpless, like this." I felt her nip on my earlobe before she giggled.

"Why?"

"Because... Don't you know? This how I feel the moment you touch me. I stop thinking and seeing and I just feel you." I heard her voice but also felt her mouth on my neck and on my bare chest. I hardened even more when I felt her drag a nail over my abdomen.

"Na Jeong-ah..."

"Shhh," I felt her hands back on the waistband of my pants. "Lift your hips," she ordered as I complied.

I felt her slip them down to my ankles. I don't know what Na Jeong was planning but this is crazy. My heart was beating so fast in anticipation. When her mouth landed on my stomach I felt blindly for her. I need to feel her skin.

"Uh uh uh," she said. "No touching yet. This one's just for you."

What does that mean? What does she mean this is just for me? My mind was still full of questions when I felt her mouth on me. Insistent, and so warm I felt her tongue lick up and down my length before I felt her lips wrap around the top. Her hands wrapped around the base as she moved her lips up and down, licking and sucking with the motion.

Not being able to touch anything or see anything is driving me crazy. I am usually the one calling the shots, but now I feel absolutely out of control. My senses are all heightened and I felt her fingers on my inner thighs even as her mouth continued to kiss the most sensitive part of me. She grazed my arousal with her teeth and I gritted my own in response. I felt her hands take over as she caressed my sac and kissed my stomach. When I thought I couldn't take more, I tried to lift her up, but she resisted. My hands clenched to my sides and clutching the couch, I couldn't help my hips rising with each movement of her mouth. I felt my release building up, and when she flicked her tongue and wrapped her mouth around me one more time, I couldn't help my release. My shoulders started shaking from the effort of not touching, and I'm pretty sure the couch will have two imprints of where I was holding on. Pleasure exploded and she continued to suck... I felt like she was draining me of every drop.

"Na Jeong-ah... Can I take this off now?" Not waiting for her response I took off the blindfold to see her with her head bowed down. "Jagiya... I'm sorry... I tried to warn you. It'll never happen again." For a minute I thought she was upset with me, but when she lifted her head, her eyes were twinkling and she was licking her lips.

"I was just making sure we didn't make a mess," she said with a smirk. "And what do you mean it won't happen again? It better. I loved tasting you." She pushed at my arm playfully. "Well... Do you like your birthday gift?"

"I love it. You're amazing," I responded. Seeing that she was wearing the stuff from the bag from earlier, I thought she looked breath-taking. The dress didn't even go down to her mid-thigh, exposing her long slim legs. It hugged all of her curves. The neckline went all the way down from her breastbone to about mid stomach and when she turned around her whole back was exposed. The lace on the straps and over her chest allowed creamy skin to peek through and the straps that held her stockings up made me itch to travel the length of her legs all the way to her thighs with my fingers.

"You didn't even see everything yet," she complained. There's more? I thought. I'm not really sure I can handle any more. She lifted her dress slowly, as if offering me a peek. What I saw next made me ready again, even after just finishing minutes ago. Na Jeong was bare. Like, completely hairless. Mmmm...

I was on my feet so quickly I even surprised myself. She started laughing even as I leaned down to kiss her mouth. Her arms wrapped around my neck and she pushed her body against mine until I felt all her curves pressed up against me. In my haste to get to her breasts I grabbed what she was wearing and heard a loud rip. I tore my mouth away from hers and surveyed the damage I've done. She looked down too, then at me, then down again.

"Joon-ah..." I started laughing. She frowned at me but then she started laughing too. "Aish... All this effort is wasted on you. Do you know how expensive this was?"

"Jagiya... I'm sorry," I said as I pulled her to me. "Come on, let's lie down for a minute and I can still enjoy it even if it's ripped." She narrowed her eyes at me but allowed me to lead her to the couch anyway. Lying naked on my side, she laid down facing me. Her ripped nightie allowed her breasts to show through, and I kissed them through the silky fabric. I put my mouth on her nipple and she ran her fingers through my hair.

"You're not getting away with destroying this," she warned me even as she moaned in pleasure. I took my lips off her breast long enough to respond.

"I'll buy you ten more," I reassured her. "Maybe the whole store... But I can't guarantee they'll all remain intact, though." I cupped her breasts and my hands travelled down her body through the fabric. The feel of the material was no match for her skin. I lifted her dress up to feel the smoothness and softness underneath and though she still seemed annoyed, she opened her legs slightly to allow me greater access. So wet, my Na Jeong-ie... So ready for me.

"What's the use of having ten more if you're going to rip them all?" She asked. She put her lips to mine even as my fingers found her core and my fingers rubbed between her legs.

"Yah... Should I remind you that you ripped off one of my shirts too?" I teased. "Now we're even." I kissed my way down to her stomach. My lips were inching lower on her body but she turned onto her stomach in indignation.

"Yah... Kim Jae Joon-ssi... What did I tell you about letting me win once in a while?" She said, her voice muffled by the couch.

"I'll make it up to you. I promise," I whispered as I shifted my weight on top of her. "What do you want? Massage?" I placed my hands on her shoulders and started kneading gently. I lifted her hair and placed a kiss on her neck, then both of her shoulders. My fingers continued kneading her back even as my mouth placed kisses down her spine and I felt her tremble underneath me. "You still mad?" I asked.

"A little less," she responded. I slipped my hand under her and stroked her between her thighs.

"How about now?"

"Just a tiny bit..." She pressed her buttocks against my arousal and I groaned from the contact. "Joon-ah..." I heard the plea in her voice and I know what my woman wanted.

"It's okay, jagiya, I'll make it better," I whispered as I rolled the condom on and slipped myself inside her. "Better?"

"Joon-ah," she moaned. The sound of my name on her lips, along with her tightness around me had me feeling like I've conquered the world. I flexed my hips and slid deeper into her. I pulled myself halfway out before slipping myself in again. I watched as her back bowed to get more and helped her until she was on all fours in front of me. I sucked on her shoulder and she turned her face around so she can kiss me while I'm stoking the fire inside her.

"I love you," I whispered. "So damn much." My hips flexed as I thrusted deeper and deeper still. This position gave me greater access and I rubbed the swollen bud between her legs. She whispered my name, once, twice and as I felt her release near, I grasped both of her shoulders for leverage.

When I felt her convulse around me, I allowed myself to let go inside her. My knees gave way underneath me, and I collapsed on top of her.

"Jagiya..." I started, needing to look at her face. "That wasn't too rough, right?" When she didn't answer I got worried. "Na Jeong-ah?" I messed up... I'm convinced I did. I should have asked her first if she was comfortable in that position.

Na Jeong turned around to face me and I saw a pleased smile on her face. "You must really love your presents, huh?" She laughed against my mouth. "I've never seen this side of you... And I must say I love it." She put her arms around me and I laid my head on her chest. "You don't need to worry about me. I'm stronger than I look... And I can handle everything you can give me. I love you, Kim Jae Joon."

I could do nothing but look at the beautiful, passionate, and generous woman by my side. I wasn't sure if it was the phone call from last night or my thinking back on the past month and a half all day today that made my heart crack just a little bit at this moment. But all of a sudden I felt vulnerable, like a little boy again. I closed my eyes and felt her heart beating under my head. I know the truth in her words. I am loved. For the first time in twenty six years, I finally knew what it meant to be loved.

## Na Jeong

Joon can't possibly be comfortable lying down like this. I almost giggled when I saw his legs almost half off the opposite end of the couch. He was still laying on my chest quietly. Has he fallen asleep? I run my fingers through his hair and held him close with my free arm.

"Jagiya... You still awake?" I ask softly, in case he was already asleep.

"Hmm?" I heard him say back. I could have sworn he was sniffling but it passed so quickly I was convinced it was in my head.

"Joon-ah... I think we need a new couch," I said. "I don't think I'll ever be able to entertain anyone here without thinking of what we just did."

Joon looked up at me. "We can't go buying new furniture all the time because of that or we'll have to replace everything here." His expression was so serious I couldn't help but laugh.

"Well... How about the fact that you don't even fit your own couch?" I insisted. "Are you comfortable?"

"Yeah, I'm comfortable. But are you? Want to move to the bed?" He asked.

"No, I want to see the city lights from here..." I tapped his shoulder. "Don't you have to go clean up anyway? Bring some pillows and blankets back and we'll have a sleepover."

"Okay," I watched as he lifted his body off of me. My eyes were definitely pleased by the sight. That broad chest tapering down to his hips, where the v of his pelvis shows. That flat stomach and tight buttocks. And my man was genetically blessed in the male anatomy department. A perfect specimen of male beauty.

I had closed my eyes for one second when I heard Joon come back, still naked, carrying a bundle of blankets and pillows. First he put a cover down over the hardwood floor then put two pillows then beckoned for me to get up. When I stood up, he unsnapped the garter belt I was wearing and took my stockings off. He laid down on his back on one of the pillows and opened his arms for me. I laid down next to him before he enfolded me in his arms and pulled the other cover tightly over us.

I looked at his face as he looked outside the windows. The sky was clear tonight, but the city lights rivalled the stars. I wondered for a minute what he was thinking about, and decided to share my thoughts instead.

"I did the same thing, when I was in San Francisco," I said. "I could see the sky from the hotel and thought to myself that at least, maybe, you were looking at the same sky. Even if I wasn't with you... That made me feel closer to you."

"Did you like San Francisco?"

"To be honest, the only place I saw of it was the stadium, the hotel and restaurant. To me it was just another city... I would have gone wherever you were."

"If it makes you feel better, I don't know much more of it than you do. Maybe we can explore it together one day." I nodded under his chin.

"Did you enjoy your birthday, jagiya?"

"Yeah," he replied, thinking. "I can't remember enjoying a birthday more since I was a kid. And even then, I was never this happy. And not just because of the presents. You make me happy."

I propped my elbows on his chest so I could look at him as he spoke. "You make me happy, too," I said. "But why weren't you happy when you were younger?" He looked like he didn't want to share too much, so I thought about telling him it's okay if he didn't want to talk about it when he cleared his throat and spoke.

"My parents... Were very competitive. Not only with each other, but with me too. I always had to be smarter... But when they realized I had no real academic aptitude, then at least I had to be faster, stronger and just, better. I dreaded every time we were all together. Including my birthdays. Because even then, it wasn't about me but about them." I could do nothing but look at him as he spoke, his experience with his parents so different from mine. He met my eyes and chuckled. "You'd think a kid would love getting two sets of gifts, right? I didn't... Not when the gifts weren't even what I wanted... Just the two of them one upping each other again. I... Hated it. And I hated them both for a long time too."

"And now?"

"I've learned to accept that it is what it is. They don't like what I do for a living, but they don't refuse the recognition that comes with it. I'm okay with that. Baseball did that for me."

"You never told me why you loved baseball so much."

Joon smiled at me. "I don't know if it's so much that I love baseball but more like it loved me. Like a father, it disciplines me, telling me to work harder and strive higher. Like a mother, it took me into its arms and allowed me to grow. Being good at baseball... Made me into someone acceptable, someone respectable. It gave me a place to belong." He took a deep breath. "When it came into my life, it allowed me to dream farther than the four walls of my room and think of a brighter future." When I stayed quiet, he nudged me. "All of this must be strange to you, huh? You're very lucky, Sung Na Jeong-ssi... To have been born into your family."

"Yeah I know," I conceded. "Omma didn't even blink at me twice when I told her I was in love with you, before I left for the U.S. It was almost as if she knew all along, and was just waiting for me to tell her." Thinking about what a childhood Joon must have had made me think about my own. There had been someone else that knew me better than I knew myself. "My brother... My late brother Hoon had been like that too."

Saying Hoon Oppa's name out loud for the first time in years brought unexpected tears to my eyes and I hid my face on Joon's chest to stop them from falling. Joon had his fingers on my hair and I closed my eyes at the tender way he was touching me.

"Are you okay talking about him?" He asked quietly. "Omma and Appa don't speak of him much and I would like to know him a little."

Without lifting my head, I continued to speak. "Hoon Oppa was very funny, quick to a laugh. He was so bossy too, bossier than me if you can imagine it, like a little general. He always knew what he wanted. He hated when I would tag along with him and his friends, but then he would felt so bad about it that he'd endure playing with me and my dolls for hours after. He even let me put Omma's make up on him once." I laughed softly at the memory. "And every time he saw me sad, he would sing the butterfly song. Do you know it?" I looked at Joon and he nodded. I swallowed before speaking again, afraid my emotions would get the better of me. "I loved my Oppa... I idolized him. He was... A beautiful little boy. I knew it even then that he was too good for this world."

I took a long silence before proceeding. Joon stayed quiet, as if waiting for me to continue. He intertwined his fingers with mine until our hands were clasped together. "One day Oppa woke up crying, and he told Omma his head hurt. Appa yelled at him, and thought he was must trying to get out of going to school. Even in pain, Hoon Oppa said all seriously, 'Appa it's a Saturday.' Appa got so mad I thought his neck vein would pop. But Omma knew that Oppa wasn't a big crier, and insisted that we all go to the hospital. I remember it clearly because Omma let me sit in the passenger seat, when she always said before that that was her special seat. I was still in my pyjamas and I brought my seal doll with me. Omma held my brother in the back, and I could still hear him crying. It scared me, hearing him like that. Then all of a sudden, there was silence. Even as young as I was, I knew, that my brother was gone. He had just been there one minute, but now he's gone. Two words... That's all it took to erase him from my life... Arteriovenous malformation. I suppose I should be relieved that it had an official sounding name." Tears now falling fully from my eyes, I felt the same familiar grief wash over me. "Jung Gook Oppa was his best friend," I paused and waited for a reaction. Joon tensed up but didn't stop me from speaking. "He grew up with us in Masan. I think that's part of why I leaned towards him. It hurts to talk about my brother and I didn't have to, with him. He shared every memory I had of Hoon Oppa. He was my last remaining link to my brother."

I looked at Joon, his eyes fixed on me. I cupped his face with my hand and gave him a soft kiss. He tenderly brushed my tears from my eyes and tucked me more closely towards him. "My brother liked baseball too," I said. "He would have loved you."

"Not if he knew I was dating you," Joon said easily. "He might want to kill me then... Now I'm even more determined to make Sook Sook love me." I laughed at his words even as I shook my head at him.

"Sook Sook already loves you. When are you going to stop with the monthly ice cream dates?"

"When he has his own job and can buy his own. And no, I meant love me more," he insisted. He looked me in the eyes. "Thank you for telling me about Hoon Hyung... And for my birthday."

I playfully punch his shoulder. "Thank you for telling me about baseball... And your parents." I smiled at him and he smiled back at me. "I'm still kind of mad at you, though..."

"Why?" He asked, confused.

"I made plans at a noraebang deliberately so that I could hear you sing again, but we left before you can sing... " I looked at him and frowned. "I love your voice."

"Is that right?" He said, in dialect. "Should I sing for you now, then?" I nodded and he pulled my body closer until every part of me was touching every part of him, then held my head gently, tucking it into the space between his shoulder and his neck. Soon he started singing and my heart clenched at the song he decided to sing for me. I heard the familiar lyrics and wondered how I could be so fortunate to be loved so much by Kim Jae Joon.

Butterfly~ butterfly~,

Come fly here,

Yellow butterfly, white butterfly,

Come to me dancing.

Even the petals in the spring wind,

Smile happily.

Even the sparrows chirp chirp chirp

And sing while dancing.

I closed my eyes and with the blanket of city lights and stars around me, I fell asleep to the sound of the man I love singing to me, his arms wrapped around me, making me feel safer than I can remember feeling in a very long time. I'd like to think that somewhere in the universe, my brother was smiling down on us, even if he did want to beat Joon up.

## January 18, 2001

## 11:30 a.m.

##  Chilbong

When we woke up, the sun was already shining high outside. Well the second time we woke up. Na Jeong woke me up in the middle of the night by going on top of me. I thought it was the perfect way to wake up except it wasn't even morning yet. She fell back asleep after and so did I, cocooned on the floor, just the two of us.

I listened to her steady breathing and knew exactly when she came into consciousness. I know she likes to pretend to be asleep sometimes just so she can sneak peeks at me while I gazed at her sleeping. I know that she observes me while I'm getting up. I can feel those beautiful eyes on me, watching my every move. I laid with her a few more minutes, thinking of what to say to get her out of bed. Or in this case, off the floor.

"Jagiya... Do you want breakfast?" I counted to three in my head and started chuckling as her eyes snapped open when I almost got to three.

"Breakfast?" She asked, grinning at me. I smoothed her hair down and placed a kiss on her forehead before responding.

"Yeah... But I have nothing here. We finished the last of what Omma sent over last week. I have some rice, but that's about it. Tell me what you want and I'll go get it from the store." I watched as she furrowed her brows as if thinking. "Ramyun?" She shook her head no. "Ddukbokki?" She repeated the motion again.

"We have something," she said with a smile. "Perfect breakfast food."

A few minutes later we stood in front of the counter with a half-eaten cake in front of us. Na Jeong was dressed in a fluffy robe and her puppy slippers, her hair in a loose braid over one shoulder. I wore my sweatpants which rode low on my hips.

"Yah, Sung Na Jeong-ssi... I thought you said we had the perfect breakfast food."

"Jagiya," she turned to me, her eyes wide as saucers. "This IS perfect breakfast food. We have carbohydrates, sugar, dairy and eggs... The perfect way to start a morning, no?" She stuck her fork into the cake and took a big bite. "You should try it.. it's delicious," she said with her mouth full of cake. I looked at her while shaking my head and was surprised when she took an icing covered finger to my nose. "Oops," she laughingly said. "I was just giving you a taste but you lifted your head too fast."

"Na Jeong-ah," I said, a warning in my voice. "You better start running... I'll even give you a ten second head start." I took a fistful of cake and looked at her. "Eight... Seven... Six... Five..." I saw her eyes widen as she realized I really was counting down and started darting her eyes around the apartment, as if wondering where she should go. By the time I got to one, she'd already fled the kitchen and had gone into the laundry room.

I chased after her, laughing as she tried to evade me time and time again. Through the living room we went, then back to the kitchen and the guest bedroom. She weaved her way around the couch and I finally caught her in the bedroom. Holding her by her waist, I pressed the cake gently on her face.

"Yah, KIM JAE JOON!!! I only put a little bit of icing on your nose," she sputtered indignantly. "This sugar can't be good on my skin," she complained. I thought she was pulling it off so she can get washed up when she turned back around to me and put some cake on my face too.

"Na Jeong-ah..."

"I'm sorry but it was a lot of cake," she said, her hands up in surrender. "But Joon-ah... Don't get too upset... You look even more delicious with cake on." She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and I pulled her close to me. She kissed my mouth, and she's right. The cake was indeed delicious. The icing wasn't too sweet and the cake itself was light. I gave her cheek a little lick. Maybe there is something to this cake business after all. I wonder how she'll respond if I did this... I pulled a bit of icing from her face and untied her robe. I saw her eyes darken before she slipped off her robe altogether.

## Na Jeong

I am a bad, bad woman. Who makes an athlete eat cake for breakfast? I pondered this as I watched Joon's eyes travel up and down my body. It's very difficult to look sexy with cake on my face. I tried to wipe some of it off, but where to put it? My robe is on the floor and he's not wearing a shirt. How can he look so sexy even with cake on? With my very best come hither look, I tried to blink away the piece that was hanging over my left eye. This is not working, I thought to myself, and was about to make my way into the bathroom for a quick clean-up when Joon started traveling his finger down my neck, to my collarbone, and then to both of my nipples, smearing icing the whole way down.

It was kind of uncomfortable and sticky, but I'm game. I can't possibly say no... Not when I saw the hunger in his eyes. But wait... Is it hunger hunger, or hunger for me? It didn't really matter when I felt his lips on mine, his hands tenderly brushing the cake off my face.

His mouth followed the path that his finger had just taken. I felt him nibble on my neck, then lick his way down to my collarbone. He sucked on one nipple and then the other, and I watched as his eyes closed in bliss. I was struggling staying upright when the visual of him is so tempting. I had grabbed his hand to lead him to the bed when I heard the phone in his apartment ring. I was determined to ignore it until I realized that he'd been waiting for his manager to call about the KBS interview. I'm a supportive girlfriend. My needs don't trump his obligations... I kept reminding myself as I reluctantly tapped his shoulder to make him aware.

"Jagiya..." I said softly. When he didn't lift his mouth from my stomach, I called him a little louder, "JAGIYA!" He opened his eyes and looked at me enquiringly. "The phone is ringing. It might be your manager. "

Joon looked over his shoulder, and then back at me. It looked as if he was conflicted for a moment before he placed a kiss on my abdomen as he got up to take the call. Putting my robe back on, I followed him to the living room after grabbing a towel from the bathroom.

He was standing by the answering machine and I wrapped my arms around him from behind. When he didn't say anything, I peeked my head around to look at his face. He looked a little surprised and dazed. I worried that it may have been a phone call from his parents... Or my parents... Or one of our friends. Everyone pretty much knew that I practically lived in his apartment on my days off.

"Jagiya," I heard him say.

"What's wrong?" I asked. He didn't need to tell me that something was wrong for me to know it. With him unable to meet my eyes, I pressed the PLAY button on his machine. I heard his manager clear his voice before speaking.

Hello? Hello Jae Joon-ah... Its Hyung. How many times do I have to tell you to keep your phone on you at all times? I've left you five messages, no, six messages on your handphone yesterday since you said you were going to be busy all day. Good news and bad news. Good news first... You've been selected for People's Most Beautiful list in the States. Bad news is that Giants management wants you back to the training camp next weekend. We have to leave on Thursday. As in, in seven days. Because of you leaving so soon, I already called KBS and rescheduled your interview today at 3 p.m. As in three hours. Please wear something that a sponsor has given you.

I've already booked the flights, and will let you know once the boarding passes have been issued. Oh yeah, happy birthday... You would have gotten that message yesterday too... If you had just picked up your phone. Call me when you're on your way to the studio.

I looked at Joon as my heart beat anxiously in my chest. Unsure of the appropriate thing to say, I looked away even as I saw his eyes watching me in concern. I needed to think, and didn't even realize that I was pulling away from him as he was reaching for me until I caught the stricken look in his eyes.

"Na Jeong-ah..." He said.

"I have to get washed up," I interrupted and made a beeline for the bathroom. Once there, I locked the door and washed my face as panicked tears fell unwittingly. I thought we had another month... Not another week! We haven't even discussed this yet. I don't even think I'm ready to talk about it yet. I can't believe I have to do this again.

This is my fault. Joon was right... I don't think anything through. I just went along my merry way ignoring the reality that I've known all along. He's tried to prepare me, but I had chosen to ignore it. I turned the shower so that he wouldn't hear me cry.

What will he want to do? Will he want to break up? Take a break? Sustaining a long distance relationship is difficult even for the most devoted and the most faithful. I should know... I already have one failed long distance relationship under my belt.

Not really knowing how to handle my feelings right now, or even what my feelings are, not about Joon, but about this situation, I showered quickly and got dressed. When I went out of the bathroom, Joon was right outside the door, as if waiting for me the whole time.

"Are you going somewhere?" He asked, as I went to the living room to grab my purse and phone. "Jagiya..."

"Yeah. I forgot I was supposed to go somewhere with Yoon Jin today."

"Yoon Jin didn't know you took today off work."

"Yes, she did."

"No, she didn't. They were already outside when you said that." He narrowed his eyes at me. "Na Jeong-ah, why are you lying right now?"

"I'm sorry for lying. But I need to think about this, and I can't think when you're near me. So I just need a little bit of space so I can actually figure out how I feel about you leaving so soon." I said my words hurriedly, afraid that I wouldn't be able to say them at all unless I said it all in one go. "Just... Give me some space. Please." I put my shoes on and made my way out the door. I looked behind me to see Joon just staring at me, cake still on his face. Not able to resist, I kissed him one more time. "I love you. Don't forget."

"I love you more," I heard him call out as I closed the door behind me.

## January 20, 2001

## 8:30 a.m.

##  Chilbong

She hasn't come around in two days. I thought for sure that when I came back to the apartment from my interview that she would be here. With me leaving in less than five days, I can't believe she actually stayed away that long. I stared at my phone in annoyance and the picture of us taken on New Year's Eve greeted me as my wallpaper. I was looking at the camera, thinking that's what she was doing too, but when the picture came out, she was staring at my face the whole time, a loving look in her eyes. I sighed to myself. I should be thankful that she was at least answering my text messages. Even if she won't talk on the phone.

I miss her voice. I miss her laughter. I just... Miss her so much. I don't want to spend my last five days here without her. I know where she's coming from. I understand what her fears are. If she would just speak to me about them, we can address all of those things together, one by one until her fears have all subsided. I don't know a lot of things, and I know I have no experience with this, but if we managed to stay faithful even to just each other's memory, how much harder could it possibly be to stay faithful to each other?

I got out of bed and started pacing in the bedroom. Na Jeong's nervous habits are starting to rub off on me. I thought and thought about what I could possibly do to convince her of my dedication and commitment to making us work. Without even thinking it through, I sent her a short message.

Don't freeze me out. Please have dinner with me tonight. I'm cooking. I miss you. And I love you always. Be here at 7. Or I'll come find you and carry you here myself.

There, that was assertive enough. Or was it too assertive? I put my phone down on the bedside table farthest from the door and walked out to the living room to stop myself from sending her another text message. But just in case, I put my notification on the highest sound setting. Just in case. I don't want to miss her reply.

I never know how to handle Na Jeong. She might come out with another of her crazy metaphors. And then I'll be in big trouble because I'm not very good with those. I heard my phone buzz from the bedroom and ran in. I dove over my bed to grab it and smiled when I saw her response.

Yah, Kim Jae Joon... Have you forgotten who your girlfriend is? Don't be threatening me. I'll be there. I have to talk to you. I love and miss you more.

Feeling a whole lot better about the situation, I grabbed a pen and notepad from my bedside table drawer. I saw Na Jeong's picture underneath and impulsively placed a loud kiss on it. I started making a list of everything I'd need for tonight.

Heading out the door, I whistled happily to myself. Na Jeong and I will be just fine. We will be just fine.

## January 20, 2001

## 6:00 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

I looked around my room and grabbed the silk scarf that was sitting on the back of my chair. I picked up my notebook and consulted my notes. I really really hope that Joon is receptive to my approach. I didn't want to be the crazy girlfriend again that talks in riddles. This is a real life problem and we are grown people. Surely we can have a logical, sensible and honest discussion about this.

I've spent the last two days doing nothing but pretending that Joon is not here anymore. For practice. To see if I could handle it, which I could. I didn't say I could handle it very well. I just said I could handle it. I've only cried nine times. Maybe ten. Maybe eleven... But that was just a quick five minute cry.

I read an article in a magazine once that said I should allow myself five minutes a day to cry if I needed to. Or was that about babies? Whichever... It sounded reasonable to me. So if I absolutely must cry, I will just do it for five minutes. And I will only allow myself to think about him fifteen, maybe thirty minutes in one day. Continuously. If he pops out in my mind, that doesn't count if he doesn't stay more than thirty seconds. See? I'm dealing with this possible problem in a practical way. I'm not 19 years old and this is not my first relationship. I am almost 26... And it's only nine months right?

I'll stay busy anyways... Sook Sook has school and as his noona, I must make sure he is ready for it. Yoon Jin will have a baby, and I'm sure I'll shop with her a lot, and maybe even babysit sometimes. I have my job, and Lee Sang Min Oppa's games to attend. Yes. I'll be really busy. Joon will be happy to hear that I'll be really really pressed for time.

I will not be a clingy girlfriend. I will not be one of those girls that depend completely on the presence of their boyfriends for validation. I will be independent and self-assured. Joon will never need to worry about me.

I put on my power suit. Underwear that made me feel beautiful. A long white blouse made of luxurious fabric with a high collar and buttoned cuffs. A pair of pinstriped trousers that sat low on my hips. Rather than my usual girl next door makeup, I opted for power make-up as well. I quickly put my primer on, then my foundation. I put on my seriously smoky eye shadow and mascara. And just to be taken seriously, I kept my lips nude but for a thin sheen of lip gloss. I don't want him fixated on my lips. I pulled my hair back tight against my scalp and put it in a long ponytail, with no hair accessories but for a simple black elastic.

I got up and fished the pièce de résistance from my closet. I lifted the box from the bottom of the closet and unwrapped a new pair of blood red pumps. I grabbed my purse from my table and shrugged into my pinstriped blazer. Picking up my shoes to wear at the front door, I made my way out of my room to see Haitai, Ae Jung, Omma, Appa and Sook Sook sitting in front of the television eating fruit.

They all turned to look at me and I nodded at all of them. Haitai and Ae Jung looked at me slack jawed while Omma just glanced at me for one minute before turning her attention back on the television. Appa did a double take and then frowned.

"Na Jeong-ah, I thought you were seeing Chilbong tonight?" Omma asked.

"I am. Yes, I will be seeing Joon."

"Why are you dressed like that then?" Appa said. "You look like you're about to go for a business meeting."

"Appa... He needs to take me seriously! And I feel confident wearing this," I replied.

I saw him look at Omma and mouth, 'She's your daughter,' before shaking his head.

"Noona... Are those your shoes?" Sook Sook said, approaching my hands hesitantly. "They look scary." I was still thinking of the right response for him when I heard Ae Jung's voice.

"You look nice, Na Jeong-ah," Ae Jung said. "You look powerful... Strong."

"Thank you Ae Jung-ah," I responded, smiling at her. "It's so nice to have another woman's opinion in this house." Next to her, Haitai was just shaking his head.

"What?" I yelled at Haitai. "Why are you shaking your head?"

"Chinggu-ya..." He responded chuckling. "Are you going on a date with Chilbong or scaring him into submission?"

"Both," I responded as I put my shoes on and walked out the door. "Don't wait up."

Even as I walked down the path leading to the street the shoes already began pinching my toes. I was tempted to change into something more comfortable but it wouldn't go with my outfit. I can endure this. I will endure this!

Hobbling to the road, I quickly hailed a cab. I checked my watch and saw that it was only 6:30. Perfect. I'll arrive promptly. I checked that I had everything in my purse. Scarf? Check. Box? Check. I looked at what sat next to me and noted with satisfaction that I had my binder and my notebook.

As the cab pulled into the front of Joon's apartment building, I checked a small mirror to make sure my makeup was still intact and that not a hair was out of place. Seeing that I still looked appropriate, I paid my fare and exited the cab.

I noted with satisfaction the way my heels echoed on the marble foyer in the front entryway of the building. My body thrummed from nerves and anxiety as I practiced what I was going to say when I arrive, tucking my binder and notebook closer to me.

Walking towards his door, I took a deep breath for composure. I was about to enter his code when I realized that I should ring the bell instead. Lifting my finger to the small button, I pressed and waited for Joon to answer the door.

## January 20, 2001

## 7:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

I was straightening the candles on the table when the ding of the doorbell jolted me. I looked at my watch and saw that it was exactly 7 p.m. I'm only expecting Na Jeong and she knows my house code, so who else could it be? I looked at the monitor and I was struck by how different she looked. Walking towards the door slowly, I gave myself a little pep talk, expecting her anger. Stay calm, I reminded myself. You have to stay calm for the both of you.

I opened the door and had to consciously keep my mouth closed when I saw her. Na Jeong was in a suit. Her hair was pulled back from her face to a sleek ponytail down her back. She wore a white blouse with a collar that covered her neck, and a blazer and pant set that hugged her figure perfectly. Her eyes were smoky, a bit more hazel today than green and her lips were shiny, like she knew I liked them. I looked down at her feet and swallowed. She was wearing high HIGH heels... With heels so thin I wondered how she could possibly walk in them. She looked like a woman who means business.

She merely raised her eyebrow at me as I continued to study her. "Well, can I come in?" she asked.

I frowned at her before opening the door. I followed her to the entryway and expecting her to change into her puppy slippers, was surprised when she kept her shoes on in the apartment. I pulled her to me to greet her with a kiss, but she turned her head away.

"No. None of that yet. We have business to discuss."

Business? What business? I thought we were just going to have a nice dinner and then I get to calm her down long enough to listen to my plan.

Obviously realizing that this was not how this was going to go, I merely nodded my head.

I pulled the chair out for her at the table and watched as she primly put a binder down. Still unsure about what's going on, I sat myself down and leaned back on the chair with my arms crossed in front of me.

"So," I said. "You said we had business to discuss. Ladies first."

She cleared her throat before speaking. "I've come to negotiate the terms of our long distance relationship." She opened her binder and pulled out a sheet of paper. "I have some conditions that we need to discuss."

"Well... Since you mentioned it, I have terms and conditions too." I stood up from the table and went to the bedroom to grab a poster board. Like one that some old Coaches have used pre-game. I put it on the counter on an easel that I especially bought for this occasion. I watched as her eyes widened for one second before she put her neutral expression on her face again. "But Na Jeong-ah... Can we eat while talking business? I've been cooking." I walked over to the stove and started dishing out the food. I placed a plate in front of her and had to hide my smile when she looked at it hungrily before resuming her proper pose. "It's crab linguine. I remembered you loved crab... I made a salad too, since I know you like your food groups balanced and everything." I brought the salad and a bottle of dressing to the table and set it down carefully.

I watched as her expression softened for one minute before it disappeared again. She looked at the food in front of her one more time but she held her ground.

"We'll eat after the negotiations. Do not use food as a tactic. We have some things to settle." She looked down at her paper before she spoke. "Number 1. We are not in an open relationship. Neither parties will be seeing other people while apart. Neither..."

"Agreed. Next," I interrupted her. She frowned at me then looked at her notebook. "Na Jeong-ah... Did you by chance prepare an agenda?"

She blinked those beautiful eyes at me before responding. "Yes. Is that a problem?"

"No. I was just curious."

"Number 2. On the topic of phone calls. Either party must call the other once a day." She turned her eyes to meet my gaze. "Thoughts?"

"Yes. I object," I shook my head. "Once a day... That's it?" I stood up to my poster board. "If you look at the calendar I've made, you will see that I put twice a day. AT LEAST twice a day. Once in the morning and one at night. AT LEAST."

She was shaking her head at me before I even finished speaking. "Joon-ah... I have to work. How can I call in the middle of the night? I have to sleep too, you know."

"We will be in different time zones. Twice a day, Na Jeong-ah... I'm not budging on this." This is insane, I thought. How can she be so calm?

"Fine. Twice a day," she made a notation on her sheet.

"AT LEAST... I want that notated."

"Fine. I got it," she looked at me and smirked. "AT LEAST twice a day." She tapped her pen on the table and her eyes went down the list. "Number 3. On the subject of emails. Either party must email the other once a week."

"I don't like that one either," I said. My voice was rising and I couldn't even stop myself. I pointed behind me and said, "My terms say you email me whenever you want. You did it every day before! You can do it again! It doesn't have to be long. It doesn't even have to be important, because whatever you say is important to me!" I narrowed my eyes at her. "Change that one, Sung Na Jeong! I will never agree to that."

Unsure of how long she was planning on discussing this and how many terms we had left, I sat myself back down. "We should eat. I have a feeling that we'll need to have some sustenance for the rest of this negotiation." This is harder than both my baseball contracts and we are only at number 3, I thought. Na Jeong is just so stingy with her terms.

I started shovelling food in my mouth and watched as she pushed food around in her plate. Trying to remain calm, I decided to make some small talk. "Na Jeong-ah... What have you been doing in the two days I haven't seen you?"

She didn't look at me. "I've been practicing."

Practicing? What is there to practice? I thought. "Practicing what?"

Na Jeong finally met my gaze. "I've been practicing being without you."

At this I found myself on my feet again. I started pacing back and forth in a combination of nerves and anxiety.

"Joon-ah, please stop with the pacing. You're giving me a headache." I looked at her face but her eyes stayed looking at her plate. Angry now, I couldn't even help myself from yelling at her in frustration.

"Why would you need to practice being without me? I don't want you to get used to being without me... I want you to miss me every second of the day! Because I will miss you just as much! Even just the last two days... Even just that little amount of time, I thought I was going crazy! "

"WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?" She stayed sitting down even as her voice escalated. "Why are you making this so difficult for me?" She finally lifted her eyes to me and I saw that her lower lip was trembling and her impossibly long lashes were wet with unshed tears. "Am I supposed to order you not to leave? Am I supposed to beg and plead for you to remember me? You have to leave. I have to stay. Those things haven't changed."

"How can you just say that so calmly? How can you just sit there and be okay with this?" I bent down and took both of her hands in mine.

"Joon-ah... Do you know what happened the last time you left?" She asked, looking at me. "I couldn't leave my bed for two days... I couldn't keep any food down in my stomach for a week," she paused and gave me a sad smile, even as tears fell from her eyes. "I missed you so much that it felt like I couldn't breathe."

"I'm sorry, Jagiya." What else am I supposed to say?

"I'm not telling you this so you can be sorry. The reason why you and I are together now is because of the journey that we've both had to go through, together and alone. I'm just telling you this so that you understand why I'm trying to be strong. Because I don't want you to worry that I'm going to fall apart when you're gone."

"Na Jeong-ah... I'm going to worry anyways, whether you want me to or not. Not because I don't think you're perfectly capable of taking care of yourself, but because I love you." I lifted her off the chair as she continued to cry silently. I tucked her head onto my chest and she started sobbing more forcefully.

She lifted her head up to look at me for one second. She looked so upset I didn't want to laugh but she looked so adorable that I just rested my chin on her head. "Jagiya... Doesn't this feel a little better?" I was referring to us finally talking about the issue.

"No," she said. I was going to ask her why when she spoke again. "My feet are killing me. My hair is up too tight and my head hurts too," she complained.

"Really?" Finally glad to have something I can do something about, I sat her back on her seat and bent down to take her shoes off. It's no wonder she was in so much pain. Her feet are blistered. I went to the bathroom and grabbed a couple of plasters from the cupboard. I lifted her feet to my lap and applied them carefully. "Good?"

She nodded her head. Putting her feet back down, I went behind her and slowly pulled off the elastic that was holding her hair up, letting her hair fall down her back. I pulled her up off the chair and put her on my lap, running my fingers down her back comfortingly.

"Have you eaten anything today?" I asked her. Na Jeong shook her head at me. "Yah... What did I tell you about missing meals? That's probably why you have a headache. You really need..."

"Joon-ah, do I look like a panda?" I blinked at her, not knowing if this was a rhetorical question. I suddenly broke out into a nervous sweat, not really knowing if we are about to launch into another argument about animals.

"Jagiya... A panda?"

"Yeah, with my smudged black eye shadow from the tears... I must look like a panda... And I ruined another one of your shirts!" At this she started crying again. I shook my head above her, unsure whether to feel relief that the tears have come or concern that the anger has not.

"It's okay... I have a lot of white shirts." I lifted her face to look at her. "And I like pandas... It's fine." Seeing her like this made my heart clench uncomfortably inside my chest. But for once, I didn't shy away from the emotion. This is what love does to people. I held her a little closer and she finally, finally, put her arms around my neck as she sat on my lap. Wanting to see a smile on her face, I said, "Yah... Sung Na Jeong... You may look like a panda but you look like a really hot panda."

I breathed a sigh of relief when she looked up at me with a small smile on her face as she playfully nudged me on my chest. "That's not funny..."

"But it is... And true."

"Joon-ah... Did you make that calendar thing?" She asked, pointing to the poster board.

"Yeah... I thought you would respond better to visual cues."

"But you like drew arrows and you coloured and everything!" She turned to me, eyes in wonder. "When did you do this?"

"Earlier today, when I went shopping for food, I started wondering what I should do to show you that I am fully prepared to do this with you. And this was the only thing that came to my mind." Well this and other things as well. "Why are you so worried anyway? You've been through a long distance relationship before."

"That's why I'm so worried. I've failed at this before."

"Na Jeong-ah... You're not the same girl that you were years ago." I took a deep breath. "And I'm not him." Holding her more tightly, I said, "We are going to make it through this. After all we've been through to get here... I won't let us fail." I pressed my lips on her forehead.

"What if our feelings change?" She asked, hesitantly. I focused my gaze on her before responding.

## Na Jeong

I was sitting on Joon's lap, savouring the feel of his arms holding me protectively. I felt drained. I haven't cried like that in months. I have a headache and I was hungry. I eyed the food in front of me and debated whether it is worth getting off Joon's lap for. Lost in my thoughts, Joon's voice brought me back to reality.

"Na Jeong-ah... You're not the same girl that you were years ago." He took a deep breath before proceeding. "And I'm not him." He held me tighter and said, "We are going to make it through this. After all we've been through to get here... I won't let us fail." He pressed a tender kiss on my forehead.

"What if our feelings change?" I asked, hesitantly. What I really meant was... What if YOUR feelings change? He focused his gaze on me before responding.

"It won't happen," he said, a decisive tone in his voice. "If you forget how much I love you, I'll remind you. And if you forget how much you love me, I'll remind you of that, too."

I was about to say something else when my stomach rumbled. This seems to be my trademark now. He laughed as I blushed and got up from his lap. I placed a soft kiss on his lips then sat myself down on the chair opposite his. I started scarfing down the food before he even had the chance to offer to heat it up. He looked at me with his beautiful worried eyes but then started eating too. I was wondering when is the most appropriate time to bring up the rest of my terms when Joon cleared his throat.

"Yah... Why are you so stingy with your terms?" He asked, brows drawn. "You should be generous with me. I'm your Joon!"

"I didn't want to set the bar too high... I thought if the number was lower, then it's more realistic to meet, and neither of us won't be disappointed if we don't exceed it." I said, taking a sip of water.

"Sung Na Jeong... I want that bar raised as high as possible. I want to be disappointed if we don't speak AT LEAST twice a day." He was so passionate about this that I couldn't help but soften. I was about to tell him I understood when Joon proceeded. "But, since you are being very official about this, I have to tell you that I have some things to help facilitate our mutual goals."

I watched as he put his fork down and went into the bedroom. When he came back, he had two boxes with him. He put them both down between us. I looked on curiously as he opened one and stood up next to my seat.

He pulled out a brand new handphone and he powered it on.

"Do you know what this is?" He asked.

I nodded and waited. Of course I know what it is. "Uhmm, a handphone?"

He shook his head at me and smiled. "Ahh, but it's not just an ordinary handphone. This is a very special handphone. This is the handphone that will bring you to me every single time." I was about to laugh at his cheesiness when he opened the phone and a picture of us was already on the wallpaper of the phone. It was us taken on New Year's Eve, from Joon's phone. He was playing around with his camera and I remembered the one taken before this, the one that is in his phone now, the one where he thought where I was looking straight at the camera but overwhelmed with love and happiness, I looked at him instead. I didn't realize he had kept this one... My face was caught mid laugh at something he said, and he was nuzzling my neck, his expression that of pure joy.

He tapped on the buttons to the 'Contacts' screen. "I already pre-programmed it for you," he explained. "Speed dial '1' is my handphone in San Francisco, speed dial '2' is my apartment phone number. Speed dial '3' is my manager's handphone number. If I don't answer the phone, it's because I am training or at my games, so..." He gave me a grin. "You can bother Hyung as much as you want. Under my name is my new e-mail address and my mailing address too. So you have no excuse for sending to the wrong email."

"Jagiya, you didn't have to do this," I said. "I can pay my own phone bills... You don't have to pay for me to be able to call you."

"Hey... This is not for you but for me. I want to be able to talk to you as often and as long as I want." He opened the larger box and pulled out a Polaroid camera. As if embarrassed, he looked away before telling me what it's for. "I just realized that we had no pictures of us. I really want one, at least of us, that I can put in my cap when I play." He cleared his throat again and I thought he might have been nervous. "So... Can we spend some time in the next few days just taking pictures of places and things that mean something to us?"

"Okay," I said. "Can we discuss the rest of the terms now?" He looked like he was going to say no so I added, "Please." I cleared my throat and looked at my notebook. "Number 4. Visits are acceptable but not expected. Neither party should obligate..."

"YAH! SUNG NA JEONG! Are you telling me right now you won't visit me?" Joon glared at me over his glass.

"It took me six months to save up for that trip. Even if I was to start saving up now, it will take me another six months to get money for the fare alone, much less the hotel." I don't even know why I have to explain this to him. He knows that I don't earn as much as I probably should.

"Just tell me when you have time off and I'll buy your ticket. And why would you need a hotel if I have an apartment?"

"But Joon-ah..."

"No. That matter is settled. You change that on your paper. You will visit as soon as work grants you leave. Didn't we say we'll explore San Francisco together?"

"Yes, but..."

"No buts. In fact," he got up and went to the living room and picked up two books. "I got us these. I'm giving you some homework..." He placed a small book in my hands and I read the title: Lonely Planet San Francisco. "Read and mark everything you want to do or see on there, and I'll do the same. When you come to visit, we'll try to do everything and see everything. Together."

I placed the book down beside my binder and read the last term written on my sheet. With shaky hands I reached into my purse to retrieve a small box. "Joon-ah... I have one more term to discuss. You don't have to do it but I will. Feel free to disagree with it, okay?" Nervous now, I placed the box on his side of the table. I cleared my throat, a little embarrassed that I'm so nervous and he waited for me to speak.

"Number 5. On the subject of couple rings. Either party should wear their rings at all times, save for circumstances that will force them not to. And during those times, the said couple ring may be worn on a chain." I darted my eyes to his and saw that he was already opening the box. I know what he would see. Matching simple white gold bands, with his a little wider than mine. I bit my lip as he took out the smaller band, plain but for a single row of blue stones. The matching one had one red stone on the inside, fairly embedded so it doesn't dig into his hand. When he continued to say nothing I got nervous. This was way too soon. I was suddenly afraid that he'll think I'm trying to tie him down so I got up and grabbed the box and tried to pry his fingers away from the ring he was holding.

"Unless you're taking the ring off me to put it on my finger, you can't have it back," he said. "I was just thinking to myself about why I didn't come up with this instead." He held out his hand for mine and when I didn't give it right away, he grabbed my hand and placed the ring on my right ring finger. He placed the bigger band on my palm and held his hand out for me to place it on. Sliding the ring onto his ring finger, I wondered if he read what I had engraved on the inner part of the band. As if reading my mind, he slipped it off again to look at it more closely.

## Chilbong

I listened as Na Jeong spoke about her last condition.

"Number five. On the subject of couple rings. Either party should wear their rings at all times, save for circumstances that will force them not to." Couple rings? Damn, why didn't I think of that? I opened the box and saw a pair of rings, one bigger and one smaller. The smaller band has a row of light blue stones. Na Jeong stayed sitting in front of me, biting her lips. When I lifted the other ring out and looked at it, she got up and tried to take it away from me.

"Unless you're taking the ring off me to put it on my finger, you can't have it back," I said. "I was just thinking to myself about why I didn't come up with this instead." I should have known that jewellery was important to women. I have so much to learn about this relationship business. Picking up the smaller ring I held out my hand for hers. With her taking her sweet time, I got very impatient and grabbed her hand. As I slipped the ring onto her finger, I had to swallow due to my nervousness. I hope she doesn't notice the shaking of my hands. I feel like I'm getting married. The thought surprisingly doesn't make me panic. Once the ring was on, my hand grazed hers for a second longer before I gave her the ring that was meant for me. As she slipped it on, I thought I saw an engraving on the inside of the ring. Taking it off again to take a closer look, I saw that not only were some words engraved on it but there was also a singular red stone on the inside of the band. Reading the words, my heart stopped.

Yours. Always.

I looked at her and saw her watching me for my reaction. I took her face in my hands and pressed a kiss on her lips. I felt her face, still wet with tears, and I brushed them off with my fingers. I tasted her sorrow and her fear, and I wished I could make them vanish with my touch.

"Na Jeong-ah..." I whispered. "This is not the end."

She opened her eyes and met my gaze. "Just tell me you'll come back."

I nodded and pulled her close to me. I would have her stay in my arms forever if I could. Putting my lips on her forehead, I whispered, "Jagiya... You have my word... Where, when and how... Those things don't matter. I will always find you. I will always come back to you."

She nodded even as her tears fell. Watching her lovely eyes, so full of fear, I led her to the couch where I continued to hold her. I don't know how long we laid there just holding each other, trying to make the moments slow down and willing for time to pause. Her arms were wrapped around me tightly, and I willed myself to remember this, the feel of her weight on me.

She is my home. She is my gravity. She will always guide me back. The beat of her heart is like the call that my heart will always answer. Everything I am... Everything I want to be. I see it in her eyes, a vision of the man that she loves. It made me want to become an even better person, to become the man that she sees in me.

I took her hands in mine and watched as our rings touched. She traced my fingers with hers, as if memorizing each detail. She moved up to look at my face, her fingers going through my hair, then down the side of my face.

"There are so many things that we haven't done yet," she said softly. "I hate that we pushed all those things aside, thinking we had all the time in the world."

"Time is relative, Na Jeong-ah. Any moment can change, and any moment can last as long as we want it to. It took us six years to be together... We can wait another nine months." I put my hand to her face. "And all those things we haven't done... We can always do them now. We'll do as much as we can in the next few days. We'll appreciate each moment we have together. And then we will do this, and get through it, and then we have the rest of our lives to do everything else." I gave her a little smile. "I bet you have a list of things you want us to do too, right? Go get it, and I will do my best to make it happen."

She gave me an embarrassed smile before getting up. She shrugged out of her blazer on her way to the kitchen and I watched as she pushed her hair to one side as she picked up her notebook. She came back with it in her hands and laid back down with it. She flipped it to a page and handed me the notebook.

I looked at her handwriting, and noted that she had written everything so neatly. Some items have been checked off and some have not. Wondering how long she's had this list, I asked, "Na Jeong-ah, when did you make this list?"

"I... I think I started when you left last year? When I realized I was in love with you, I thought I should write a list of everything I want us to do when you come back. If you come back to me." She tried to pry the notebook away from me, and I swatted her hand away. Curious to see how many pages she's written, I flipped the page to see how long the list was. The list spanned two full pages, but I continued to turn the pages and came across several more lists, with very interesting information. One said, red vs blue, then another page contained a graph with three columns with soju, makgulli and sake on it, and descriptive words underneath. I saw the list that said 'Does Joon still love me?' and reasons underneath that support or negate the question. When I flipped to the last page, I saw that she had doodled Kim Jae Joon all over the whole back cover. Shaking my head, I looked at her teasingly.

"Na Jeong-ah, you love me a lot, right?" She glared at me but I just smiled. "I have the evidence right here... You can't even deny it now."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," she replied. "You were only supposed to read the list."

"I love you that much too, you know," I nudged her side. Looking back at her list, I spotted the first one on the list and I almost laughed. "You want to make out and talk all night with me?"

"Yes."

Closing the notebook, I nodded and said, "Okay. I can do that."

"Really?" She asked.

"Yes, really," I said easily. "If that's what uri Na Jeong-ie wants, then it's what I will do."

I switched positions so she could be on her back and I leaned my weight on one elbow before I bent down to kiss her lips.

I kissed her softly, like the first time I ever kissed her, on a night she probably doesn't even remember. I felt her lips, gentle in her surrender, and her hands pull my face closer. I breathed her in and savoured the steady beating of her heart against my chest. She kept her eyes closed, and I closed mine as well.

We spent the night kissing, and laughing, and talking until the wee hours of the morning. She asked me random questions, and asked some of my own. In the end I realized that there was still so much of this beautiful woman that I have yet to discover... That I just cracked the first layer on what makes her who she is. I vowed to myself that I will uncover her piece by piece, like a gift sent from heaven, just for me. We fell asleep on the couch, both fully dressed, yet feeling like we have never been closer.

## January 24, 2001

## 5:00 p.m.

##  Chilbong

We spent the last four days ticking more things off her to do list. On Sunday, we went to the amusement park, where we played like children and laughed until our stomachs hurt. We ate cotton candy and all the junk food we wanted. I have never laughed so hard in my life seeing Na Jeong's face as we rode the roller coaster. She made me win her another stuffed animal, saying her puppy needed a friend. I personally think she is using my pitching arm to get her way, but I was more than happy to comply.

On Monday we visited Tous les Jours, and she sent me in to get her a dinosaur set. Again. I'm guessing that she hasn't realized that the dinosaur set I got last time was especially made just for her and that they now offer the set for purchase because I promised to do a CF with them. She smiled at me when I handed it to her and said that it was her favourite. We went to watch a film, the plot to which I can't remember as Na Jeong insisted on kissing for most part of it.

On Tuesday we watched Sang Min Hyung play. I had to endure her fangirling while she screamed and cheered for him, after which I took her to dinner at another crab restaurant. We took a walk in the path we took the last time to her house and held hands on the swing.

I had to shake my head at the simplicity of her requests. This woman, who could have asked me for anything, only wanted to spend time with me... Doing things that people do every day with their loved ones and had taken it for granted.

Tonight is my last night here for a while. I straightened my apartment up and packed my suitcase. I made sure all the pictures we had taken were safely in my carry on. Na Jeong had her own set, already up in her room at the boarding house. I told her that she was more than welcome to stay here on nights when she is too tired to go home, but she declined and said it will be too difficult to be here without me.

I took out one of my jerseys for her to take home... Something that she can remember me by. I made sure all the cupboards were empty and that the fridge was empty too, save for the stuff that Na Jeong asked me to get for tonight. For the first time in years it bothered me that I lived like a nomad.

I want to settle down somewhere. I want a home and a family I could love and protect. I want to build a life with Na Jeong.

I looked at the clock and saw that she would just be getting out of work now. In exactly 23 minutes she will walk through my door. She will hide the shadows under her eyes and smile so brightly at me till my heart clenches. This apartment will be filled with her. And without her, it will again transform into just another space where I lay my head down.

I sat down and ran my fingers through my hair. Stay strong, I reminded myself. You have to stay strong. I leaned back on the couch and closed my eyes. It will only be nine months, and yet it already feels like it will be forever.

## January 25, 2001

## 5:23 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

I took a deep breath as I entered the code to Joon's apartment. I fixed a smile on my face and tried to look as happy as I can be under the circumstances. He's worried about me. I know he is. He doesn't need to be. I'll make sure of it.

"Jagiya, I'm here," I called out as I entered the apartment. Wondering if he stepped out, I looked around the living room to see him laying down on the couch with his eyes closed. I debated waking him up... He has a long day ahead tomorrow... But I pressed a kiss to his cheek anyways. I waited to see if he would wake up, but when he didn't, I made my way to the kitchen to start preparing dinner.

He's cleaned the whole apartment, I noted. All of the pots and pans and plates were all away. Carefully I took out all I needed from the cupboard and fridge so as not to wake him up. I measured and prepared what was left of the rice and set out to make doenjang jigae.

I was just rinsing the vegetables under the tap when I felt a pair of strong arms wrapped around me. I felt Joon's mouth on my neck before I heard him speak.

"Why didn't you wake me up when you came in?" He said gently. "You need help?" Before waiting for my answer he was already taking the drained vegetables from the sink and putting them on a cutting board. He looked at them and asked, "Hmmm, doenjang jigae for dinner then?"

I nodded and turned around to him. "I could do this by myself. You should go rest some more."

He grinned at me but shook his head. "I like cooking with you. Plus I'll get to rest on the plane." At the mention of this, I just nodded. "Samcheonpo texted... He said everyone will be at the boarding house in the morning to see me off, including Dong Joon, so we should get up early to have breakfast there."

"Yeah, Omma said she has a ton of stuff for you to take with you. You know she worries that you don't eat enough." I measured out the doenjang paste into the pot of water. "I don't really want to be around everyone when you leave... Can't we just stay here by ourselves?"

Joon looked at me and lifted my chin so he can see my eyes. "I don't want you to be alone when I leave. Will you do this for me?"

"Okay," I said. I added the vegetables into the pot and was surprised when he leaned down and took my lips for a slow and gentle kiss.

In some ways, farewells are funny. You would think that with his departure looming so close that everything we shared would be urgent and impatient. But his leaving actually had the opposite effect. We found ourselves slowing everything down and savouring every interaction. Every touch lingered and passion gave way to tenderness, as if knowing what we needed at what time.

As his lips moved over mine, I looked into his eyes, and saw that he was looking at me too. Even as his tongue met mine, our eyes never wavered from each other's. I took in the focus in his eyes, and the determination. Afraid my eyes would expose the fear that I feel inside, I closed them tightly, afraid he would see. When I felt his teeth on my lower lip, I couldn't help but moan. My fragile heart started beating erratically in my chest, and so suddenly, I was desperate to hold on to him. I clutched onto his shoulder tightly, wanting him, willing him to become a part of me. He lifted me up and carried me to bed, his mouth never lifting from mine.

I breathed his scent in and ran my fingers through his thick hair. He smelled like every beautiful day I've ever had, and tasted like the best memories I can remember. His mouth left mine to kiss the sensitive spot on my neck and I grabbed at his shirt, desperate for contact, desperate for him. I watched as he slipped his shirt off his head, my mouth wanting to kiss every inch of skin that is exposed. He unbuttoned my blouse, and set it gently off the bed. His mouth traveling down my neck, he kissed a trail down my collarbone, and took off the bra that was still in his way.

Gently he took a nipple in his mouth, his tongue rolling over around it before he sucked. His dark head bent to my chest, I started trembling as I watched his mouth and his tongue over me again and again. My fingers traced his skin, so warm and so smooth under my hands. I felt his heart beating under my palm as his mouth travelled down to my stomach. My fingers found the button on his jeans and slowly pulled them down from his hips. His hands were still cupping my breasts, his mouth on the skin just over my slacks. Lifting my hips I allowed him to take everything off, until the only thing covering me was him.

His fingers and mouth were everywhere, tasting, savouring, exploring. It felt like he was everywhere... My body was so aware of him. He kissed my elbows, the back of my knees, all these places on my body that I never even knew could be pleasurable. He took so much time teasing me that by the time he entered me I was sobbing his name. He kissed my lips, his tongue entering my mouth as he slipped himself inside me. His hands on my head, my breasts against his chest, his length sliding deeper and deeper in me... I almost didn't know where he started and I began. He flexed his hips in slow measured thrusts even as I sucked on his tongue and dug my nails down his back. When I felt my climax approaching, I opened my eyes and looked at him, only to see him watching me in return, so much love coming from his eyes I felt my eyes fill with tears. My release was intense, with Joon still deep inside me, and I felt myself shaking even as he continued to move.

Even after I had peaked, we continued to touch one another. Our fingers tracing paths all over each other, paths that will lead us back together... As if trying to immortalize what it meant to be here... What it meant to be together and what it meant to be us. He changed his position so that he could be sitting up but with me on top, directing the pace. I put my hands on his shoulders as I moved slowly. I could feel his lips on my neck and his mouth on my breasts as I moved against him. His hand rubbed between my legs as I climbed towards another release, and he took my mouth again before I heard him whisper my name over and over again. He stiffened in my arms and his hips were moved to be more firmly inside me as he climaxed. Our eyes were locked together even as I felt tears running down my eyes. He kissed my tears away and tucked my head into his chest.

There had been a shift in our relationship and in this aftermath, I knew that what we had just shared transcended even love. It felt like my soul had connected with his even for one brief moment, and I will never be the same again.

Then he laid down on his back, and held me close quietly, as if afraid to break the moment that we had just shared, as if understanding for the very first time what it meant to be in love together. There is a difference between knowing you're in love with someone, and making the choice to truly love someone, without hiding or shying away from the possible pain. Joon seemed to be reflecting too, what it meant now to choose each other. He stayed quiet for a few minutes, one hand on my back and the other on the back of my neck, but then he finally spoke.

"Jagiya... Are you hungry?" I looked at him in surprise, and I couldn't help the smile that came onto my face. I shook my head no. He frowned at me then said, "Yeah, me neither."

I looked at the clock on the table. 9:00 p.m. "What do you want to do now?"

"It doesn't matter. As long as I'm with you." I followed his eyes to the table next to his bed, and thinking that he forgot his jersey, pointed it out to him. He kissed my forehead and said, "It's for you. I'm leaving that for you. "

"I love that. Thank you."

"Do you want to go out?" He asked.

I shook my head. "I just want to look at you... Just let me look at you for as long as possible. It will be a while before I see my Joon this close. Can I just do that?"

"Yeah, Na Jeong-ah," Joon responded. "You know I'll let you do whatever you want."

## January 26, 2001

## 7:30 a.m.

## Chilbong

My eyes opened as soon the alarm clock rang. Checking to see if Na Jeong was still asleep, I leaned over and kissed the top of her head. Her eyes stayed closed, and I quietly rose from the bed. I took a quick shower and as I was getting dressed, I checked that to make sure that I had my passport and my itinerary. Settling on a simple pair of black slacks and a sweater, I finished getting ready before waking her up.

"Jagiya..." I whispered. "It's time for us to go to the boarding house."

Her eyes opened so quickly it was almost as if she hadn't been sleeping at all. She nodded and got up out of bed. I heard the shower running and minutes later, she was dressed in my jersey and jeans. Though her hair was still damp, it was already on top of her head in a bun and she had no make-up on. She watched me do all my last minute packing wordlessly. When it was time to go, I took her hand with my right and my suitcase in the other. We went into the elevator and made our way out of the building.

"Are we taking a cab to the boarding house?" She asked, voice strained.

"Yeah... We have to. Hyung will pick me up in an hour and a half." I hailed a cab and opened the door for her. Once she was seated, I put my suitcase in the trunk and sat next to her. In mine, her hands felt cold, and I was going to scold her for not wearing her gloves when I saw her staring blankly out of the window. My heart tightened inside me, and I stayed silent.

When we got to the boarding house, everyone was already there. Dong Joon and Jin Yi Noona, Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin, Haitai and Ae Jung. Omma and Appa had outdone themselves with the food... One would think there two dozen of us here instead of just twelve. Though everyone was trying really hard to be cheerful, the atmosphere was strained. Na Jeong stayed silent as conversation continued to flow around me. Appa looked worriedly at her, then at me, and I tried to send him a reassuring smile. I don't think I have ever seen Na Jeong so quiet. Not in all the years I've known her.

My phone buzzed with a text message as I was finishing up breakfast. It was my manager, telling me that he was outside waiting for me. I got up and looked out the window and sure enough, there he was. "Jagiya, it's time," I whispered to Na Jeong and she closed her eyes, but rose anyway.

Before walking outside, Omma gave me a box full of food to take back with me, while Appa was giving me advice on taking care of my shoulder. The two of them embraced me, just like real parents would, and told me to take care of myself. I asked them to watch Na Jeong for me, and told them that I will definitely return. They passed me a card that Sook Sook drew for me, as he was in school and could not be here. Below his drawing of me and him eating ice cream, Sook Sook wrote,

Joon Hyung! Come home soon! And bring ice cream back! I will take care of Noona!

Dong Joon and Jin Yi Noona gave me reminders to stay in touch, as did Haitai. Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin reminded me that by the time I return that they will already have their first child. I chuckled before joking that I'll bring the baby an American citizenship. Na Jeong stood on the side, still silent.

When at last I turned to her, she avoided my eyes. I saw her bite her lower lip before wrapping her arms around my waist.

"Yah... Kim Jae Joon..." She started, "Make sure you eat well, okay? Make sure you have enough rest and drink a lot of water. Don't get drunk while you're over there." Her voice broke as her shoulders shook. I felt her tears before I saw her face. "Drive carefully and... And..." Her voice was muffled, as if she was trying to tell me everything.

"Yeah." Her arms were still wrapped around me, her fingers clutching at my back. "Na Jeong-ah... Listen to me. Try not to quarrel too much with Omma or give Appa too much of a hard time okay?" I felt her nod on my chest. "It will be fast. We'll talk every day, and soon you'll come over for a visit. And then I'll be back and it'll seem like I was never gone."

Though she made no sound, I felt her crying on my chest as her family and our friends walked away to give us some space alone. "Remember to do your homework, okay? When you come to San Francisco, I want a list of everything you want to do. This parting is only temporary... Think of it like a test. We will pass with flying colours, right?" I lifted her chin and met her eyes, still weeping, and she didn't answer. The beautiful eyes that once looked at me merely in concern, now looking at me like I was the center of her world. My heart thumped painfully inside me, and I struggled to get my words out. "Of course we will. Because you're Sung Na Jeong, and I'm Kim Jae Joon."

She placed her lips over mine, and then whispered, "I'm sorry I'm crying, but I can't help it. I'm sorry... I was trying not to worry you..."

"Na Jeong-ah... Don't ever apologize for feeling anything at all. I want to know how you feel. If you're sad, then tell me you're sad. If you're angry, then that's okay too. If something happy happens, I want to know about that too." I tucked her head onto the crook of my neck. "You don't have to hide anything from me. Don't pretend to be strong. You don't have to pretend to be anything. Know why?" I felt her shake her head no. "Because I love my Na Jeong-ie just the way she is."

I saw my manager gesturing to his watch from the corner of my eye, and reluctantly, I started pulling away from her. She took a deep breath and turned away from me. "I can't watch you leave so I'm not going to look. By the time I count to ten, I hope you're gone. One... Two... Three...."

I wrapped my arms around her waist one more time before I whispered, "I love you, Sung Na Jeong. I'm coming back for you." Smoothing her hair one more time, I picked up the box that Omma gave me and my suitcase. I was nearly at the car when I heard her voice.

"Yah! KIM JAE JOON!" I had just put the suitcase and box down in the trunk when she launched herself into my arms as I turned around. "I love you so much. I love you so much... more than I could have ever thought I would love anyone."

"Joon-ah, we have to go..." I heard my manager say from behind me.

"Yeah, okay..." I responded before turning back to Na Jeong. "Jagiya..."

"Joon-ah," my manager said again.

"I HEARD YOU," I yelled at him. "JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE. JUST ONE DAMN MINUTE." I took Na Jeong's lips for one more kiss, and as she pulled away, she smoothed my brows.

"Always mine?" She asked. I brought her hand to my lips and kissed her ring.

"Always yours." I intertwined our fingers together. "Always mine?" I asked back. She did the same to my hand.

"Always yours."

"I have to go. Or I won't be able to at all. Ever." She nodded and loosened her hold on me. I turned away and got in the car before I changed my mind. This is for our future, I reminded myself. Our future.

Hyung closed the trunk of the car and got into the driver's seat. I looked back at Na Jeong as she stood alone, watching the car that would take me away from her. He turned on the ignition and looked like he was about to ask me something else when I spoke.

"Go," I said. "Go."

As we pulled off, I continued to look at her reflection on the mirror. She stayed where I left her, clutching her ring, and it wasn't until I saw Yoon Jin approach her and take her in her arms that I breathed a sigh of relief.

I didn't let my tears fall until I was certain that the car was out of sight. I realized now that that's the most difficult thing about finding the love of your life... You want to get started on your life together as soon as possible, and letting go, even for a second, becomes an almost impossible option.

## January 31, 2001

## 8:00 p.m.

##  Na Jeong

I sat on the living room floor in between Haitai and Ae Jung and Binggrae and Jin Yi. Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin sat on chairs around Omma and Appa. Sook Sook was even allowed to stay up late for tonight.

Putting my brave face on, I wondered as everyone looked at me whether they're all expecting me to have a breakdown. I won't. I can't. It's only been a few days since he left, and we have a lot more left to go.

Thinking back on the last two months I realized something. Joon and I were happy. We were so happy... Convinced that we could stay in our little world for a little longer, just the two of us. We were so happy we never saw reality coming... Until we've crashed back to the ground. And I'm left holding the pieces on my own.

He was gone and I was here. The same way we were before. I thought for sure it couldn't possibly get even harder than when I wasn't sure that he loved me, but it turned out I was wrong. Being apart while being in love was even worse. There is not one day that I wake up not thinking of him or worrying about him. I worry about the stupidest things, like what if he was sick, or if he got into an accident... Who will be there with him? I touched the ring on my finger as Sook Sook exclaimed. "Noona, it's starting! We can see Joon Hyung again!"

"Tonight we will have a special feature on Major League Baseball San Francisco Giants player Kim Jae Joon. Kim Jae Joon-ssi recently came back from the United States after ten months away, and granted us an exclusive interview. Due to extenuating circumstances, by the time this interview airs tonight, he will already be back in America."

I waited for the interview reel to play, and when I saw his handsome face on screen, my breath caught in my throat. The reporter shook his hand and he sat down across from him.

"Good afternoon, Kim Jae Joon-ssi," the reporter said.

"Good afternoon." Joon bowed and gave one of his devastating smiles to the reporter and towards the audience as they clapped.

"We know you're pressed on time as we just found out that you're leaving again next week, so we will try to keep short and sweet. First of all thank you for making the time to come to our studio."

"Thanks for having me."

"Now, you're making quite a name for yourself in America playing for the San Francisco Giants. We watched the live broadcast of your Western Division Championship game back in October, and all the commentators who have followed you for years kept saying that you have never looked better. What are the chances of your contract being renewed?"

"It's pretty good," he replied. "But I have to know all my options before making a decision."

"You know you have fans who have followed you since your Yonsei days, and when we asked your fans for some questions they would like to ask you, the response was overwhelming. Would you mind answering some of your fans' questions?"

"No, not at all. Please go ahead."

"If you could be doing something else, what would you do?"

"Ahh... To be honest, I never really thought about it. I always knew I was going to play baseball for the rest of my life. Or at least, until I am too old to play competitively. I haven't had to think about it because until recently, nothing else has interested me quite like baseball has."

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi, are you blushing? You said until recently... I guess that leads me to the next question that your fans want answered... Do you have someone special in your life? Do you have someone you like?"

"No, I don't have someone I like," Joon said, "I have someone I love." He cleared his throat and chuckled. "In fact, is there any way that I can tell her a message now?" The reporter laughed but said yes. Joon looked straight at the camera and smiled. "Jagiya... You're watching right? I love you. A lot. I'm saying it to the world. That makes you happy, right? I'm really proud to be your man."

Around me everyone laughed as I glared at all of them. I had just gotten up to text Joon and ask him what in the world got into him when Omma came into the room with the house phone. I gave her a questioning glance and she smiled as she handed me the phone.

"It's Joon," she responded. "Kim Jae Joon."

I picked up the phone and looked at the clock. It's 9 p.m. Time for our second phone call of the day.

We weren't completely happy yet... But we were biding our time until our dreams together will stop being dreams and becomes reality. Even though he left, we are still together and closer than ever. Even though it is hard to pick up the pieces, Joon is always there supporting me. Even though I am alone, I am not really alone. Joon is and will always be with me.

# SIXTH INNING

## February 7, 2001

## 9:00 p.m.

## Na Jeong

I sat down on my bed and waited for Joon to call. It's been almost two weeks since he left. The first few days were miserable... It felt like I was walking in a daze.

He called as soon as he landed, sounding tired from the long travel but okay. He emailed me a copy of his schedule and I have it marked in my own calendar. We spoke on the phone until he fell asleep. I spent the whole day cleaning up my room and putting our pictures up. I put his jersey in my closet and helped Omma with chores. I helped Sook Sook, who kept talking about Joon Hyung this, Joon Hyung that, with his homework.

Yoon Jin is approaching her sixth month and is finally showing. I went shopping with her for some baby stuff and discussed redecorating one of their spare rooms as a nursery.

I had gone out to lunch with Oppa and his girlfriend. They looked like they were getting serious and I was happy for him. He asked about Joon and I told him that he'd left. Oppa then asked what our plans were and I shrugged my shoulders. I know what I want to happen but I don't want to jinx it.

I hadn't realized how much of the last two months revolved around Joon until he was gone and saw how many people and things I've neglected while he was here. It was an eye opening realization, but it felt like I was transitioning back into life. Life with Joon to life without Joon.

How long will we have to do this? I ask myself that a lot. Though we have never spoken about our long term plans, I am pretty positive about where we are heading. It doesn't even matter if it's marriage or whatever, as long as I'm with him.

My phone buzzed next to me, and picking it up, I still felt giddy seeing My Love pop up on the screen as the caller. I'm a goner.

"Hi jagiya," I answered.

"Hey," he responded. "How was your day?"

"It was okay... Work was busy and my boss made me mad again. Did you sleep well?" I asked as I laid down in bed.

"It was okay. The apartment here feels lonely. What's up with your boss?"

"I told him that if I have more responsibilities, I need to be paid more or at least have extra vacation time. He said he'll think about it... And that someone is starting next week to help out. But I swear... Anyway, I don't want to stress out over it." I sighed into the phone. "How's training going?"

He took a deep breath and I heard the bubbling of a coffee machine running. "It's good. Tiring, but good. It keeps my mind off how much I miss you."

"I miss you a lot, too. Sook Sook keeps asking about you. And Appa said you're dreaming if by having me as a girlfriend you get to not call him every Friday," I paused as I heard him chuckle. "Yah... Don't take him seriously. If you're busy you don't have to."

"I like talking to your parents. It's preferable to talking to mine." I heard him take a sip of something.

"Coffee?" He answered with a 'mmm' and I asked, "Have you told Omonim and Abonim that you've gone back?"

"Not yet."

"Joon-ah," I said carefully. "You said you would do that last week."

"Jagiya... I'll do it. Just because you get yourself all worked up over it," he conceded. "What was up with all the emails about news articles?"

"Thanks to your little declaration on TV, all the papers are trying to figure out who your girlfriend is. I don't know what's gotten into you." I tried to sound stern on the phone, but I know my voice sounded pleased. Ugh... I am ridiculous. Even at sounding mad at him. "Do you know they even mentioned it on television? How Kim Jae Joon is off the market?"

I heard him laughing and I couldn't help but smile. "Don't worry about it. It'll be old news soon... They'll find other things to talk about the longer I'm here." At the mention of this, my smile disappeared.

"Can't you do something else? Something that doesn't require you to be out of the country?" I asked hopefully. Joon laughed before responding.

"Yah... How can you even say that? This is for us. For us. One day..." He paused before proceeding. "One day you'll be thankful that this is what I do. One day..." It sounded like he was about to say something else when I heard his manager's voice calling for him. "Jagiya, I have to go. I'll call after practice, okay?"

"Okay... Tell your hyung to take it easy on you. Oh... And you need new socks. The ones you had when you were here were getting worn out."

"I'll get some new ones soon. You worry too much. Hyung's giving me dirty looks so I have to go," he whispered. "Do it."

Though I knew what he was talking about, I pretended not to. "Yah... Kim Jae Joon... Are we teenagers or something? Why do you insist I do this every single time?"

"Na Jeong-ah... I kiss your scarf every night. You think that doesn't make me feel silly?" I smiled when I remembered him discovering my scarf that I had surreptitiously hidden in his suitcase.

"Fine fine..." I placed a kiss on my phone. "Happy now?"

"Yeah. Sung Na Jeong... You make me happy. I love you jagiya... Sleep well okay? I'll call in the morning before you go to work."

"About that... I'm leaving early tomorrow so can you call at 7:30 a.m. instead of 8 a.m.?"

"Yes. I'll call half an hour early." I heard him telling his manager he is going. "Jagiya..."

"Go," I said. "I love you."

"I love you more," he said before I heard him kiss the phone. "You hang up first." I stayed quiet to pretend I've hung up. "Jagiya I can hear you breathing," he said, laughing.

"Fine. I'm really going." I took the phone off my ear and pushed the end button before I could continue with this nonsense. I put the phone down and looked at the framed picture of us on my table. Taken by a random stranger that we asked, it was me and Joon before we actually posed for the shot. I was wearing a dress with boots and he was wearing jeans and a plaid shirt. We were facing each other, his hand on my hair, my hand over his heart, staring at each other with goofy grins on our faces. I picked the frame up and kissed his side of the frame, then sighed at myself. This is going to get easier, I told myself. This has to get easier right?

I hope that work approves my vacation request for May. I really would like to spend my birthday with Joon. I laid down on my bed after marking today's date with an 'X' just like I did before he came back. I pulled out the book he gave me, now marked with pen marks and pages folded and continued to read through and plan my trip to San Francisco.

## LG Tower

## Seoul, Korea

## February 14, 2001

## Na Jeong

After lunch, I opened my email at work and saw one from Joon. Clicking on it, I almost had a heart attack when an e-card opened and music started playing. I should have definitely lowered the sound on my computer, looking around self-consciously. Reading the card, a smile came over my face.

Jagiya,

Happy Valentine's Day! I know I'm not supposed to send you anything until White Day next month, but it's different here and I didn't want you to feel left out. I am still sad we didn't get to spend our 100 day anniversary together.

By the way, I got your chocolates yesterday. Thanks for the socks too. How did you know I would forget to buy them?

I'll call you later when I wake up. I love you.

Your Joon

I was just about to type a response when I saw my boss leaving his office with a young woman in tow. I quickly closed the email and placed a polite smile on my face as they approached my desk.

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi," he said as I stood up. "This is Park Soo Hyun-ssi. She's just starting today. Please show her around."

I extended my hand for a handshake and she took it shyly. Our boss bowed to us then went back to his office.

"Welcome to the team," I said warmly. I showed her the break room, and the copy room. I also showed her where the restrooms were before walking to her assigned desk. On the way, I asked, "I hope this isn't rude, but how old are you? That way I know how to address you."

She turned around and smiled at me before answering. "I'll be turning 26 in a few months."

"Here's your desk and your computer. The login information for the system should be in your mailbox." I waited until she sat down on her chair before I spoke again. "Park Soo Hyun-ssi... I am also turning 26 this year. That means we're dong gap." I smiled at her before I walked towards the direction of my desk before turning back around. "Please feel free to ask me any questions if you need help... I know how hard it is to start new somewhere." She gave me an acknowledging smile and I walked back to my desk to finish my work.

Opening my email back up, I penned a quick email to Joon.

Jagiya,

Thank you for the card. You really ought to warn me before opening one of these at work though. The new person just started and I think we'll be friends as we're the same age. Park Soo Hyun.

I have a lot to do before the end of the day, so I hope you're sleeping well. Will talk to you when you get up.

I love you always.

Your Na Jeong

P.S. Are you still wearing your ring?

After hitting send, I closed my email and went back to work. At the end of the day, I straightened up my desk and put Joon's picture back in my drawer. I gathered my things and went home.

Today was much the same as yesterday, and I'm pretty sure it will be tomorrow too. The days I spend without Joon are still long, but I hardly go to sleep in tears anymore. Safe and secure in his love for me, I worry about him, but not about us. I trust him and he trusts me. Even just almost three weeks later, my faith in him is strengthened by our daily efforts. This time will be different. Because Joon is Joon and I am me. Physically together or apart, we are connected.

## March 14, 2001

## 6:30 p.m.

## Na Jeong

As I passed the streets littered with lovers I had to avert my eyes. Everywhere I looked, there were couples holding hands and kissing. Today is White Day in Korea, a day for lovers. It has to be my luck that I finally have the love of my life but he just happened to be a few thousand miles away. 5607 miles to be exact, give or take. I would know... I looked it up online.

It's been almost seven weeks since he left. We talk twice a day, and that doesn't include the emails almost daily. He texts occasionally with a picture of something he'd seen that reminded him of me and I do the same.

Loving Joon from this far away was difficult, especially because it's preseason training and there are no news of him yet on television. That's the hardest part... Not being able to see his smile or feel his touch. I think maybe that's the hardest part of all... I can't be around him. When I want to be. Or when I need to be.

Today I walked into work to a desk full of gifts. There were flowers, chocolates and another silk scarf, meant to replace the one I sent with him. He also pre-recorded a video, which I was too scared to watch at work though I was dying to. What if he'd been naked? Surprisingly, this thought was something that I found appealing.

I made my way home after work, passing by a couple passionately kissing behind an alley. I know I shouldn't be watching, but I couldn't help myself. For a minute I wondered if that's how we looked when we were doing the same thing. I stood there watching them but not watching them because I was really imagining me and Joon together, our bodies so close together there had been no space to breathe between us as he nipped on my earlobe and I tried to get my hands on his skin.

The woman being kissed suddenly realized I was watching and embarrassed, I practically ran home. I ate dinner quietly and watched television, where for some reason no matter what channel I watched there were people in love or people kissing. Deciding I've had enough and unable to quell the restlessness inside me, I took a long bath hoping it would help.

I watched his video when I went back to my room, and I am almost embarrassed to admit that just seeing him on screen affected me so much. I watched his face as he spoke about missing me and wanting to kiss me for hours. He said he would give anything to sleep next to me again, to which I giggled because I don't recall sleeping that much. Apparently he realized this as well because he blushed almost instantly after he said it. He licked his lips and I felt an almost overwhelming urge to jump into the screen and do the same to his. He was wearing a sweater that hugged his shoulders perfectly and a pair of jeans but he looked so good, almost edible in fact. I placed a calming hand to my chest, feeling my heart racing. I've become spoiled.

By the time I finished the video it was only 8 p.m., which is only 4 a.m. where Joon is. Way too early to be waking him up, so I decided to read a book instead. Even when reading, I was unable to concentrate. I found myself stuck on the same page, going over and over the same words and in the end I just gave up and put the book down.

Laying back on my bed I closed my eyes and thought of Joon. His fingers touching my face. His lips on my neck and tracing the length of my spine. His strong hands following the curves and valleys of my body. Heart pounding and body feeling flushed, I tried to figure out what I can do to make this feeling go away. Joon has only been gone for a little over a month. It hasn't been that long. We have, I stopped and counted in my head, less than eight months of sporadic contact left. I am still waiting to hear about my vacation request in May. How will I survive that long?

I remembered suddenly Yoon Jin telling me that to keep a relationship exciting we need to keep the sparks alive. A light bulb turned on in my head. As soon as the idea registered, I quickly shot it down. Joon wouldn't be into that sort of thing... Would he? Even if he was, surely he didn't expect me to start? Joon was a gentleman in every aspect of his life and every aspect of our relationship... Well, except for that. Recalling the way he covered my mouth with his hand to muffle my noises and the way he took me on his birthday, I am very happy to say that my man knows when being a gentleman is overrated. At the memories my heart jumped wildly in my chest and my cheeks reddened in response.

You are an independent woman, Na Jeong-ah. You don't need Joon to start anything. Why do you... When you can start it yourself. Suddenly fixated on the idea, I stood up and grabbed a dictionary from the shelf. I opened my laptop and searched for anything that other people might deem sexy. I took out a pen and paper to write down words that I think may be appropriate and made a list. I went to my mirror and applied a bit of gloss, knowing that my Joon liked my lips looking shiny and inviting. Why does it matter that he can't see me? This is for my own self confidence.

Once I was convinced I was ready, I picked up my handphone and pressed '1' on my speed dial. After the third ring, he answered, his voice groggy with sleep.

"Na Jeong-ah?" He asked. "What's wrong? Why are you calling at this time? Did something happen?"

Remembering the tone of voice women used on television when they're trying to be seductive, I cleared my throat and lowered my voice two octaves before answering. "Joon-ah... No, I'm okay... It's just that I was thinking about the last time you..." I looked down at my list "... Ravished me. Do you remember? You took me in your..." I looked down again "... Impressive arms and took me to... Salvation." I paused for effect and spoke again. "I was really, uhmm, my stocks rose exponentially. Do you miss our... Intermezzo too? Your... Amenities were just so perfect for me." Hold on, is that right? That doesn't sound sexy to me, but someone had said that it was so I went along with it. When he didn't respond, I panicked. "Hello? Hello? Joon-ah?"

"Na Jeong-ah, I'm still here." There was a break in the conversation. "But, are you okay? Are you practicing a speech or something? Or doing some weird crossword game? You're using words I've never heard you say before. Something about financial terms... Are you learning to invest money? And we've never been to a concert so I'm not sure about the inter... Mezzo? And what did you say about amenities?"

"Ahh... I was just trying to expand my vocabulary... And it's never too late to start investing!" I said, cringing. "And now that you mention it, we really should expand our dates to musical events and hotels, too, for their amenities."

"Jagiya, are you sure you're okay? Your voice sounds weird... You didn't catch a cold?" His concern should have touched me, but instead I felt mortified.

"YAH... I'M FINE!" Except that I've dug myself into a hole and I can't seem to get myself back out.

"Why are you getting upset? What happened?"

"Joon-ah... Nothing happened. I was trying to be sexy... Obviously I was doing it wrong." I heard a low chuckle from his end. "You know what, this is your fault. Why do you have to be such a great kisser? Why are you so good at... EVERYTHING? Now I'm here and you're there and I need you and you can't be here." Getting more and more upset by the second I said, "Forget it. I'm no good at this. I'll talk to you later."

"I lo..." I hung up on him before he can even finish speaking.

Trying to tamp down on my embarrassment, I had just laid back down when I heard my phone ring. Looking at the caller ID, I saw that it was Joon. For a minute I considered not answering, but unable to help myself, I picked up the call.

"Jagiya... Why are you hanging up the phone on me?"

"I don't feel like talking to you now. You hurt my feelings. I was trying to be proactive!"

"Ahh I did? I'm sorry if your feelings were hurt." He paused, as if thinking. "How about I make it up to you now?"

"What... What do you mean?" I stammered, suddenly nervous.

"Na Jeong-ah... What are you wearing?"

"WHAT?" Realizing I've raised my voice, I lowered it again before responding. "Joon-ah, what are you doing right now?"

"I'm just continuing what you started." He chuckled again, his voice getting huskier. "Jagiya, lock your door and turn off the light. Unless, of course you want the lights on."

Omo... Omo... Omo... How do I respond? "Okay," I said hesitantly. I quickly locked my door, turned my lamp off and went under the covers.

"Na Jeong-ah, just so you know. I've never ever made a phone call like this so don't use it against me later, ok?"

"Fine," I answered. I was about to bring up the weather when he proceeded.

"Do you remember the first time I really kissed you? It was New Year's Eve 2000. The first time I went back to the boarding house from Japan."

"Yeah..." I blushed at the memory.

"Do you know how crazy I was that night over you? You looked so beautiful, with your defiant eyes and those pretty lips. You tasted like heaven."

I cleared my throat before responding. "I thought you looked deli... Good too," I responded nervously.

"You never answered my question though," he said in a low voice. "What ARE you wearing?"

I looked down under the covers and noted his jersey and my white socks. Not very sexy. "I'm wearing your jersey and a pair of socks," I responded, embarrassed.

"Do you know that I find you sexy wearing my stuff? You look irresistible," Joon said with a low laugh. "In fact, I'm imagining you in them right now."

"Really?"

"Yes, really... Na Jeong-ah... Do you want to take them off?" I heard a rustle of the sheets like he was changing positions in bed.

"What? Joon-ah," I said uneasily. "I might get cold."

"Stay under the covers..." He paused. "And if it helps any, I took all my clothes off too."

My throat went dry imagining Joon naked. I closed my eyes and visualized his handsome face and his strong hands. I imagined the texture of his skin under my fingers and feeling his lips on mine. I remembered his broad shoulders and his long legs. I saw in my mind all of Joon, from top to bottom and everything in between. Should I take my clothes off? I've never done this before.

"Jagiya... Are you still there?" I heard him ask from the phone. "You got quiet on me."

"Yeah I'm still here..." I replied.

"I know it's awkward right?" He asked, amused. "But just imagine that I'm there and I'm the one slipping it off you. You don't have to if you don't want to."

"NO! I WANT TO!" I said. "I'm taking my clothes off... Right now! Hold on..."

Quickly I lifted the jersey off my head and took my socks off. I trembled as a cold breeze washed over my body before I could get back under the covers. I debated whether I should take my underwear off too then remembered that Joon was already naked. Why not? I lifted my hips and took my last remaining piece of clothing off. I swallowed before I picked up the phone again.

"Joon-ah... Everything's off."

"So now we're both naked. I like it." He was silent for a minute and I was about to comment on how anti-climactic this is when I heard him clear his throat. "It helps to relax if you close your eyes. I'm closing my eyes, too." Per his suggestion I closed my eyes and imagined us back at his apartment. "What are you thinking about?" He asked.

"Uhmm... You, me... All those times we made love... I can't think of any time in particular since we did it so much, but I liked all of it!" I said quickly.

I heard a low chuckle before he continued. "Yeah, me too... Na Jeong-ah... Run your fingers through your hair, just like I used to do." Silently I complied. Funny I never noticed how silky my hair was. "Now run your fingers down your beautiful face and touch your lips." I did as he asked and stopped when my fingers touched my lips. "I remember how soft your lips are. I can kiss you forever."

"Me too. I love your lips," I responded. Even to my own ears my breathy voice didn't sound like my own. "And your shoulders too. I love everything. You're beautiful, Joon-ah."

"You're beautiful," he said quietly. "You get even more so with your heart and your mind. The whole package of you... Pleases me." I heard him take a deep breath. "Na Jeong-ah, where are your fingers?"

I was taken aback by his question and even more surprised when I felt my fingers already on my chest, grazing lightly over my left breast. I could feel myself flushing in embarrassment but I soldiered on. If Joon can do this, I can do this too. We may have just been intimate for a couple of months, but surely after all those times I can be a more sexually confident person. Bravely now, I said, "I'm touching myself," even as I'm sure I reddened. I heard a whoosh of breath and emboldened by his reaction, I continued speaking. "My fingers are on my breast... Well, of one hand. The other hand is holding the phone."

"Want to know where my hand is?" He asked.

"No," I answered. I do want to know where his hand is. "Yes," I amended. What's the point in lying?

"I'm touching myself too," he said slowly. "Na Jeong-ah... I'm really turned on. So, I'm going to hang up because I have something to take care of and I don't know how comfortable you are with this."

"Okay," I said even as I got more comfortable and was now touching my abdomen. Then his words sunk in and I sat up in bed. "Hold on... Wait! What? You're going? Kim Jae Joon... What kind of bullshit is this?"

"Na Jeong-ah..."

"Joon-ah," I said warningly. "I'm lying on my bed naked as the day I was born and touching myself. And you're just going to leave me hanging? I'm turned on too and you need to do something!"

"Is that right?" He asked. "Alright jagiya. I'm sorry... If we're going to continue though I'm going to get a lot more graphic than this and I want you to stop me if you get uncomfortable." When I didn't respond right away, he asked, "You heard me right?"

"Yeah, yeah... I heard you. Promises, promises... I'm going to lie back down and you better give me my money's worth. All this fuss when my clothes are already off..." Lying back down I was about to ask him to continue when I heard his voice.

"Jagiya, touch your breasts for me. The right one first." I closed my eyes and my hand travelled to my right breast. "Cup it for me... Just like my hand would. Rub your nipple... Just like my fingers would... Are you doing it?"

"Yes..." I sighed. His voice was hypnotizing and I was prepared to do whatever Joon asked.

"Now imagine my tongue on your nipple, licking it... And my mouth wrapping over it and sucking on you," he said. "Can you imagine it?"

"Yes... I can see you doing that. I watched you do it enough times," I teased. I pictured Joon on top of me doing what he just described. Desire bloomed inside me and my heart started racing.

"Now touch your left breast the same way," he whispered. My hand travelled to my left breast and did the same. Still imagining that it was Joon doing it, I moaned as pleasure lanced over me.

"Joon-ah... What are you doing?"

"I'm touching myself, just like you," he responded.

"Are you hard?" I asked. Picturing him aroused made me even more excited and I had to remind myself to breathe.

"I've been hard since I figured out what you wanted."

"Good... Good... Continue. Please."

"I want your hand to touch your abdomen and then travel down to your calves. Take the path that my lips always took," he said, his voice husky.

I lifted my hand from my breast and trailed my fingers lightly down my abdomen and then down to my calves, imagining Joon's rough hands and soft lips doing the same thing. I bit my lower lip even as a moan escaped. Restless now, I waited for his next request.

"Now... Touch your inner thighs. Lightly. The way I would touch you there... The way I would kiss you there." He paused and I heard his breathing got heavier. "Your skin there is so soft, jagiya. I always have to force myself to slow down and take my time. I want to lick you there."

My thighs were trembling just from his words when I finally touched them. Keeping my eyes closed, it was so easy to picture Joon doing what he's saying. Except it's not a fantasy. It's a memory. Even better.

"Put your fingers where you want me," he asked. "And tell me how it feels."

At first I hesitated, not sure about what I was about to do. But I know where I wanted him. And he knows that I know where that was. I felt the dampness between my legs even before I touched myself. Curious now I placed delicate finger on myself and was surprised to see how aroused I was.

"Joon-ah... I'm wet. And warm," I said softly. "I'm ready for you, if you were here."

I heard him groan even as I explored myself. The sensation was foreign, but not unpleasant. I thought of Joon as I continued touching. Imagined his hands on me... His weight on me. I imagined his lips where my fingers are, and moaned when I thought of his length sliding into me.

"Na Jeong-ah, tell me what you're doing."

"I'm imagining you inside me... What else would I be doing? My fingers are right where I know you want to be."

## Chilbong

The minute I heard her say that she was touching herself, I hardened despite my best intentions. Her voice was husky, like she was thinking of things that I would give an arm to know about. This is a dangerous game, considering how new we both are at this. I wasn't sure how to proceed, not knowing whether Na Jeong is comfortable enough to do this, even if I knew it was what she wanted. After she gave her consent, I knew I was going to follow through until the end. Even if it killed me. I wanted to hear her say my name... In passion, just like she did whenever we were together.

"Joon-ah... I'm wet. And warm," she said, her voice just barely above a whisper. "I'm ready for you, if you were here."

I couldn't suppress a groan when I heard her say that. I imagined her delicate hands exactly where I wanted to be. Imagined my tongue and my hands where she's touching. I stroked my hard length slowly, unable to control where my thoughts were going.

"Na Jeong-ah, tell me what you're doing," I asked hoarsely.

"I'm imagining you inside me... What else would I be doing? My fingers are right where I know you want to be." My eyes closed it was so easy to picture her with her legs open, so beautiful and so tempting, only for me. My throat dry, I trailed my hand up and down my length, the sensation nothing like any part of Na Jeong, but it will do. I want her wetness, her warmth and her tightness around me. My thoughts went out of control, I couldn't even think of anything to say when Na Jeong continued. "I wish I could see you do this. I think you'll be really sexy... With your arms, and your stomach and your chest... Your face so focused on pleasing me."

"Jagiya..." I said, my breath catching. "Will you put your fingers inside you? For me?" Afraid I asked for too much, I almost berated myself for my greed. I was about to apologize for asking her such a thing when I heard an appreciative moan. I know that moan. "Does it feel good?"

"Yes," she sighed. "I want you inside me so badly. I want to feel you deep inside me. Do you remember how good it felt?"

"Yeah... How can I forget? It's where I need to be right now," I answered. Imagining us moving together... My mind was blurred from images of us on the bed, against the fridge, in the bathroom, on the couch. I was on top of her, with her on top, with me behind, with her eyes always looking at me in love, in passion, in surrender.

Her moans became louder and I knew she was moving her fingers inside her. My hand sped up to match her moans and my breathing became shallow. She moaned my name... Once, twice as she reached her peak and when I heard her release, I remembered the way she felt contracting around me and the pleasure that overtook me was intense. I said her name and I let myself go, spurting heat all over my abdomen. My eyes were closed tight from my climax even as I heard Na Jeong's breathing slow down.

"Joon-ah..." She said, her voice shy all of a sudden. "I liked that."

I started chuckling at her words. "Yeah, me too... That was incredible. Not a substitute, but amazing nevertheless." I closed my eyes and listened to her soft laugh. A smile came over my face and I shook my head in sudden embarrassment. The things we do for the people we love.

"Jagiya... It's so cold here tonight. I really really miss you on days like today."

"Just today?" I asked.

"Everyday... But more today. Do you know how many couples I passed on my way home from work? I swear... I thought the world was conspiring against me."

"It's hard, right... Being apart?" I picked up our framed picture from my side table and looked at her face, brushing my thumb against the glass tenderly. Looking at the picture of us, so happy, made my heart ache. I feel like I'm missing a part of me. I talk to her every day but I really miss her talking animatedly in front of me. And just when I was just beginning to understand her metaphors...

"Yeah... It's really hard. But I love being able to talk to you every day. It makes me feel like I am still with you daily. I love hearing about your day, however mundane it might have been." I listened to her voice as she spoke, and it almost felt like she was right here. I wondered if I was with her right now if she would be biting her lip while looking up at me.

"I love hearing your voice every day too," I took a deep breath. "To be honest, I kind of like that we're forced to just be a regular couple. I get to know you without being confused all the time because when you're around me, I can't focus... This is like falling in love with you all over again." I looked to my left over the sun that just started rising over San Francisco. "I do like the thought that though there are times when we share the same night and the same day. It doesn't feel like you're so far away then. Jagiya, did they approve your vacation time yet?"

She sighed in exasperation. "No... But no matter what, I'm coming in May. I don't care. Yah... You'll be in season though, right?"

"Yeah, but I am free once the game is done. And I usually have a day off between all the games and the traveling. We'll have time to do everything... Explore San Francisco, go places to eat... We'll do it at night if we have to. As soon as you know the dates let me know so I can book your tickets. You don't have to come to my games though. I know you're more of a basketball fan." My heart paused for a minute, torn between begging her to come and forcing myself to be okay if she chose not to.

"Yah! Kim Jae Joon! You better make sure I have tickets to those games. As close to you as possible. I don't want seats a hundred miles away. Or, are you scared I will run into another one of your exes? Are you?" I had to grin when I heard the suspicious tone in her voice.

"Na Jeong-ah... How many times do I have to tell you? I didn't have girlfriends. I just went on dates! Dates!" I said defensively. This woman... She's so fixated on other women when I only thought about her on those dates! Still, I can't help the pleasure I felt in knowing that she gets jealous still. Of the women I never loved, of the women I never even saw... Because all my memories were just of her. "Yah... Sung Na Jeong... Are you mad?"

"No," she said, still sounding a bit irritated. "You're mine. Always mine. You said so yourself... And you're no liar."

"That's true," I conceded teasingly. "But you know... I'm kind of flattered that you think women just fall at my feet."

"Kim Jae Joon... Do you want to die?" She whispered a little too crossly. My heart felt so light I wanted to laugh out loud. I wanted to run out to my balcony and scream how happy I am. I just adore this woman so damn much.

"Na Jeong-ah, I'm just playing with you... You're so cute when you're mad." I can imagine her shooting daggers with her lovely eyes, her hands clenched in fists. She is definitely my match. She will never take my bullshit. "My beautiful, brave Na Jeong-ie, how lucky I am to be loved by you."

"Joon-ah... I'm the lucky one," she said, her voice soft.

"No, I am..." I insisted, knowing what she would say next.

"Yah... Joon-ah..."

"Fine, fine... We're both lucky. We're both extremely lucky to have found each other. Some people spend their whole lives looking for their other half... And it only took us six years." As painful as it had been, I would have done it all over again for this.

"I needed six years to grow up," she said. "Six years to get ready for your love. I'm sorry it took so long."

"Na Jeong-ah... The wait was worth it. You are so worth it," I was about to say something else when my alarm clock buzzed. "Jagiya... I have to get up and get ready. Uhm... I got to clean up too," I cringed as I said the words, even as I heard her giggling. "Do you think this is funny? I made a mess because of you."

"Yeah, I think it's funny," she answered. She started laughing in earnest and I couldn't help but laugh too. Shaking my head, I pictured her mouth turned up, her slim shoulders shaking in mirth, just like that time we made out and talked all night.

"It kind of is funny," I said. Looking at the clock, I realized that I only had thirty minutes to get ready. "Jagiya, I have to go... Call me when you get up."

"Okay," she replied. She took a long pause and I was about to ask her if she had something else to say when she cleared her throat. "Joon-ah... Do you think that sometimes we can talk at this time? So that we can... Uhmm... You know..."

"Have an encore? Yeah I can do that. Jagiya, I know you're organized, but please don't give me a schedule. Let me surprise you sometimes."

"I don't like surprises," she declared.

"You'll like mine." I rose from the bed and started making my way to the bathroom. "Na Jeong-ah... I love you. Sleep well tonight. We'll speak in the morning."

"I love you more," she answered. "Have a good day, okay? I can't wait to hear about it when we speak tomorrow."

"Hang up first."

"Okay... I love you," she said again and I smiled. Hearing her say those words will never stop pleasing me. I heard her press a soft kiss on the phone and I did the same before she ended the call.

Feeling full of energy, I turned the shower on as I gathered my gear for training. I put out the socks that Na Jeong got me before taking off my ring and putting it on its chain. I slipped it over my head and stepped in the shower.

I can never shower anymore without thinking of Na Jeong. Whistling the whole time, I realized that I must look like the biggest fool right now. I felt the goofy grin on my face and my mouth widened into a full blown smile. Oh well. I could do worse than being a fool in love.

## Pacific Bell Park

## April 19, 2001

## 8:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

Walking out of the stadium, I felt my phone buzz. Opening it, I saw a message from Na Jeong.

Jagiya, I have some good news! Will tell you about it tonight when I get home! I love you!

It should be 1:30 p.m. in Seoul, so she would have finished lunch. Hmm... What good news does she have? I wondered as I carefully put my phone back in my pocket. I had just opened my trunk to put my training gear in when I heard some voices behind me.

"JJ!" I turned around to see my teammates surround me. "We're going out for drinks tonight! You want to come?"

"Ahh... No thanks," I started, shutting the trunk closed.

"Yo... You guys know he doesn't go out like that. He's always waiting to talk to his missus..." My catcher, Scott, said.

"What missus?" Another teammate asked. "I didn't know you were married, Kim."

"I'm not," I responded, a smile on my face. "Not yet anyway."

My teammates catcalled, whistled and patted my back. Self-conscious but not embarrassed, I watched them as they walked away towards the bar around the corner from the stadium. I went into the driver's seat and drove home.

John, my building doorman, greeted me as I came in. I smiled at him as he asked me how my day was.

"It was good," I responded. "How's your day been?"

"Yeah... Yeah... Same old same old," he said with a shrug. But then he brightened. "My son... Patrick, remember I got your autograph for him?" I nodded. "His wife gave birth two days ago, so I'm a proud grandfather to a baby girl now."

"Congratulations," I said, offering my hand for a shake. He smiled and shook my hand warmly. He reached into his inner pocket and opened it to show me a small picture of a baby, wrapped in a pink blanket. The baby had her eyes closed and her little lips puckered. Somewhere inside me, my heart clamped. I hope that one day I could create such a life with Na Jeong. "She's perfect."

John beamed at the compliment. "She looks a little like me, right? Her nose is like mine, right?" He asked hopefully. I nodded and handed him back his wallet. "How's it going with your girl?"

I blushed before I responded. "It's good. Really good. Her name is Na Jeong... and she's amazing." I pulled my phone out and showed him our picture. I softened every time I saw the way she looked at me.

"She's gorgeous," he said before looking at me. "Remember this, my friend. The love of a woman is a gift. But the love of a good woman is priceless. I've been married for fifty four years and marrying my wife is still easily the best decision I've ever made. Seeing this, it looks like she thinks you're amazing too." He patted my back as he walked off to greet another guest and I thought back on his words as I walked to the elevator.

I know that I've found the one I wanted to spend my life with. But marriage? The only functional marriage I knew of was Na Jeong's parents'. One day, when I know I can provide for her and for us, when I know for sure that I can give her the life she deserves... I will think about it and talk about it with her.

I walked into my apartment and closed the door quietly. I looked around and though my eyes appreciated the sheer beauty of it, from its gleaming hardwood floors and the expansive floor to ceiling windows, I felt no warmth coming from it. This is a beautiful place, but it is not mine. It is not home.

Whenever I come back here, I'm reminded of how alone I really am. I have nothing here. Nothing but baseball, reliant on the kindness of strangers. Accepting of any goodwill shown my way. I have some fans, but they don't know me. They admire what I can do and celebrate my triumphs, but once I stop playing, I will soon be forgotten. Just another name.

I can remember a time that the coldness from my apartment and this city was comforting and familiar, having had that same feeling my whole life everywhere I was. But since Na Jeong came into my life, the coldness has become bitter, biting even. Loneliness knocks on my door quite often and it's a struggle to not let it in, just for the company.

I thought back on my apartment in Seoul and my heart warmed up. Na Jeong has taken to bringing flowers home with her every week, and the aroma of home cooked food is always in the air. I could smell her shampoo in the shower, coupled with mine, and can visualize her toothbrush standing in the cup alongside mine. My doorway held our slippers, my closet had some of her clothes on one side and mine on the other. She was as much as a part of me now as I am myself.

I passed the corkboard in the living room and stopped to look at the pictures I've posted on there. All the places that means something to us. Maybe to some people too, but these places together are ours alone. I looked at the picture of her asleep that I took when she didn't know and touched her face tenderly. I closed my eyes as the feeling of missing her took over me for one minute. I allow myself this once in a while. I allow myself to feel the full extent of what it meant to be apart from the person you love the most.

I put my gear down, and went to the kitchen, where I opened the fridge. Na Jeong just sent me some more radish kimchi and not even bothering with the rice or showering first, I started eating it standing up. This taste has become my most favourite in the world. The kimchi that uri Na Jeong-ie makes for me. She says that I am the only one she makes it for. And I believe her.

Exhausted, I took a quick shower and then went straight to bed. After setting my alarm clock to 6 a.m. for the first of our daily calls, I touched her silk scarf, now in my drawer, to feel like I am close to her again. I looked outside my windows, to the city that is still so alien to me, with its pretty twinkling lights and foggy skies. I imagined her in my arms, her breathing soft and steady as she fell asleep, and my eyes soon followed.

## April 21, 2001

## 5:00 a.m.

## Chilbong

My phone went off and like clockwork, I reached to take it, knowing who it would be. Confused, I opened one eye and saw that it was only 5 in the morning. Concerned that something was wrong, I opened my phone to look at the message.

Jagiya, I'm going out to celebrate Park Soo Hyun-ssi's birthday. Can we delay our talk by two hours? I have good news and I want to be able to speak to you properly about it. I love you. Sorry if I woke you.

I reset my alarm clock to 8 a.m. and laid back down. Park Soo Hyun? Who is that? The name sounded familiar, and I realized that she's mentioned this person several times since they started working at her office. In my head I pictured a well-dressed, educated man. Someone who earns his living by using his brain. Prickles of jealousy came over me, and I had to tamp the feeling down. Of course I would be jealous, I told myself. Na Jeong is a beautiful woman, and he gets to see her every day. Except the weekends. Until today. It's already Friday night in Korea and now she's going out with him in the weekend too? Isn't an eight hour workday enough?

I hid my face in my pillow in frustration. I really should go back to sleep as I have another two hours before I can call her. Instead, I drove myself crazy thinking of her sharing that tinkling laugh with this faceless person and smiling at him like she smiles at me. Frankly I'm surprised that Na Jeong doesn't get kissed everywhere she goes, because she is just that damn adorable. Will she bring her long hair to the side, exposing her graceful neck? Will he notice how long her lashes are when she closes her eyes, or stare at her soft lips while she spoke? Will he get intoxicated like me by her smell?

This is stupid. This is crazy. I know I'm doing this to myself. I trust Na Jeong. She loves me. I know this, but sometimes I still can't help but wish that she wasn't so pretty. I shook my head at my own pettiness... I resent that I am so immature about this. I was still wondering how I can convince her not to laugh so loud or not to smile so widely when I fell asleep again.

When my alarm sounded again two hours later, I grabbed my phone and pressed speed dial 1. I heard some voices in the background before I heard her voice.

"Jagiya... I'm still out and about," she said slowly. I narrowed my eyes at the phone and wondered if she was drunk. "The birthday celebrations are running a little long. I might not be home until a little later."

A little later? It's 1 a.m. now... How much later will she be out?

"Joon-ah..." She said.

"Hmm?"

"Joon-ah..." She repeated, her voice dropping to a whisper. "I really really love youuu...You know that, right? I really REALLY really REALLY love you. You're the best. JJANG!" I heard her giggling and I smiled despite of myself. "I wanted to tell you... I wanted to tell you... YAH, PARK SOO HYUN-SSI, I WANT TO SIT NEXT TO YOU!" I held my phone away from my ear as she screamed, then glared at it when her words registered.

"Na Jeong-ah, how much have you had to drink?" I asked softly. When she didn't respond right away I was tempted to ask again, but then I heard her place a loud kiss on the phone.

"Jagiya... I'm coming in May! Next month! I'm coming to see you, my most favoritest person in the world! Hehe... You're happy right? Right? RIGHT!" She asked. Before I could ask any more questions, she continued speaking. "Yah, Kim Jae Joon... I'm so happy that we'll see each other soon. But now I have to go... Park Soo Hyun-ssi is about to sing... I promised I'd dance with the song."

"Jagiya, make sure you take a cab home and..." I started to say.

"Joon-ah, I have to go. Iloveyoubye."

"I love..." I heard the phone click before I could even finish my sentence. Aissh... This girl. "Yah, Sung Na Jeong," I said while looking at my phone. "You better take a cab home before you start winking at people and biting them. I would be really mad except you're finally going to be here soon."

Jealousy forgotten momentarily, I got up out of bed with spring in my step. Na Jeong is coming!

She's coming! It's going to be a wonderful day. And a wonderful week. I picked up my travel book and put it in my bag. Now I have some planning to do to make sure she enjoys her vacation. Some people may say it's dorky, but I want us to enjoy our time together, however brief it may be. Making a mental note to ask the exact dates of her vacation so I can book her flight, I e-mailed her my game schedule again before I showered and ate breakfast. Feeling happier than I can remember feeling in months, I didn't even care that my teammates looked at me like I was crazy when I walked into the locker room and greeted everyone by name. If it wasn't so weird I would have hugged them too. I think they'll really believe I'd gone insane then.

## Pacific Bell Park

## San Francisco, California

## May 24, 2001

## 9:00 a.m.

## Chilbong

Prepping myself for the game, I felt my hands getting unnaturally sweaty. I felt the familiar thrum of excitement and anxiety... But these nerves aren't from that. After four months apart, Na Jeong is arriving from Seoul today. She will be in San Francisco in a few hours' time! As soon as I thought of her face, my heart started racing in anticipation. Adrenaline rushed through me, and I had to remind myself to slow down. I still need to pace myself for this game.

I might not even see her until after the game. I had given Hyung her ticket for the game but she's been traveling for 12 hours, so I wouldn't be surprised if I came back to the apartment to find her asleep on the couch. She's a basketball girl, not a baseball girl. I'm okay with that. I knew that when I met her and it was part of the reason why I fell in love with her. She keeps me grounded, with my ego held in check.

I've spent whatever spare moment I've had in the last month researching places we could go and where I could take her out to eat. I have a list of restaurants that serves any type of cuisine she could possibly want and made reservations to most of them. I carried my travel book with me wherever I go. I swear I don't think I've ever studied so hard for anything in my life. I hope that everything goes to plan, else I would never plan anything again. Na Jeong is the organizer between us. I would happily allow her to plan out my life.

My thoughts were interrupted when Coach came out of his office. Seeing that he was about to go into our pre-game huddle, I sent a quick message to my manager.

Hyung, Na Jeong's plane is landing at 11:15 a.m. Make sure you carry her luggage. And ask about her back.

I pressed the send button and was surprised to get a quick response.

I got it. Focus on your game.

Realizing I've forgotten to tell him something else, I typed a quick response.

Hyung, ask her if she's hungry. Don't forget to stop at the apartment and pick up what I left on the counter. My Na Jeong-ie loves it and airplane food is terrible.

Almost instantaneously I received another response.

Yah! Kim Jae Joon! Calm yourself down. You're embarrassing yourself. Focus on your game. Remember that? Your game. I'll make sure YOUR JEONG-IE comes to you back pain free, not hungry and in one piece.

I wanted to send another message but coach called us over before we were due to file out onto the field. I closed my eyes and saw her face, asleep next to me. I took a few calming breaths and emptied my mind. Too much anxiety and excitement can affect my pitching, and like a switch I've learned to turn those emotions off. I will forever be Na Jeong's. But for the next few hours, baseball will own me.

## San Francisco International Airport

## San Francisco, California

## May 24, 2001

## 11:30 a.m.

## Na Jeong

I scanned the arrivals hall for Joon's manager. Tucking my neck and back pillow under my arm, I shifted the weight of my luggage on my other arm and carried the box Omma sent with me awkwardly. Aish... I told her that he didn't need all this food. Omma insisted it's to make sure Joon still had some left after I'd gone. I'm pretty sure she's implying that I eat a lot, but no matter. I'm here now!

Joon is minutes away from me. My fingers itched to touch him and I can't wait to kiss him. He and I indulge in our very special phone calls at least twice a week but it didn't feel the same. Not to say they weren't exciting... Just different. I want to see his face as he speaks and hear him laugh. I want to watch him as he sleeps. I want to be the one he comes home to after his training or his games. I can't wait to cook with him and finally share a meal again. We're almost halfway there... After this four and a half more months, and we are in the clear.

I was surprised when his manager waved at me from the gate. Wearing a suit with the top button undone on his white shirt, I watched in amusement as appreciative looks were sent his way by women around him and as curious glares went sent my way. I hope they don't think I'm his girlfriend. Lee Jung Jin-ssi was a very handsome man, but he's not my Joon. No one cuts a suit quite like my man. I watched as he approached me, his strides confident and a warm smile on his face.

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi!" He greeted. "Welcome to San Francisco." He took my luggage and the box I was carrying as I said a quick thank you. I followed him as he expertly made his way out of the airport and towards the parking deck. "How was your flight?"

"It was good... But the seats are way too small," I said, suppressing a yawn. I straightened my T-shirt and tried to smooth out the creases on my jeans. My hair was in a long braid down my back, covered by Joon's baseball cap.

"Joon should have warned you the flight was long," he commented.

"I already knew. I was here last year," I responded and he turned a surprised gaze on me. "I went to Joon's Western Division Championship game. He didn't know..." I smiled at him. "That's how I knew to bring my own pillows on the plane. I have herniated discs on my back."

"Ahh... Well at least you knew what to expect."

"Lee Jung Jin-ssi... Joon is already at his game, right?"

"Please, Na Jeong-ssi... I am the closest thing to a family that Joon has here, so call me Oppa," he said with a wink. I couldn't help but smile back, grateful that Joon had him here. "And yeah, he's already at his game."

"Is that right?" I asked and he started laughing. "What? What did I say that's so funny?"

"Na Jeong-ssi, you know I never believed it until now, but people in relationships do become quite alike, no?" He stopped laughing enough to take a deep breath. "Do you know that Joon says 'is that right' now too? I've managed him for four years and he's said it before, but not as often as he does now. He's a Seoul boy and speaking in that dialect... I thought it was just one of his things, but I just realized why."

He opened the trunk on the car and placed my luggage in. He then opened the passenger door and I sat down. As I waited for him to pull out of the garage, I couldn't help the excitement that flowed through me. I am very happy to be here. I am very happy to be seeing the man I love. Jin-ie Oppa drove quietly for a few minutes before he spoke.

"Na Jeong-ssi, your back is not hurting, right?" He inquired politely.

"No... I'm good. I was better prepared this time and please call me Na Jeong," I responded, taking in the views outside the window.

"Are you hungry?" He asked. I looked at him, surprised by his thoughtfulness.

"A little, but I can wait."

"If you're hungry, there's a container in the back with ddukbokki. There's a fork in the bag, too."

Wow, this man is a genius. How did he know I love ddukbokki? Handsome and perceptive? Who said all the good men were taken? "But... But Joon said there were no places here that sell it like it tastes in Korea. How did you get it?"

"Yah... Do you know how many times I went with Joon to the store? He's been learning to make it, for you. He started trying out recipes as soon as he booked your flight. He really drove me mad, calling in the middle of the night asking crazy questions. I would have yelled at him except he's so pathetic..." he chuckled. "But Hyung... Na Jeong loves ddukbokki... He would say."

I shook my head as I laughed with him. Seeing the signs to Pacific Bell Park, I was puzzled when he turned a different way. I thought at first he was just taking a different route to the stadium but as the signs disappeared, I became concerned.

"Jin-ie Oppa... I thought you said that Joon was at his game?" He turned to me once and nodded. "Then why are we going the opposite way?"

"Joon thought you'd be tired so he wanted me to take you straight to his apartment, so you can rest before dinner."

"That boy... No I'm fine. Please go to the stadium," I asked. "I want to see him play." He gave me an approving smile before getting into the U-Turn lane. I looked in my wallet and realized that in my haste to get out of the airport I had forgotten to get my currency exchanged. "Jin-ie Oppa... This is a little embarrassing, but do you have any cash on you? I don't have any dollars on me and I'll need to buy a ticket to get in, right?"

He didn't respond until we had already parked at the stadium parking. "Na Jeong, did you think that Joon would have let you pay for your own ticket?" He fished out two tickets from his suit pocket. "We have special club seats... The best view in the stadium." I breathed a sigh of relief as I exited the car. Feeling energized again, I stretched before following him into the stadium, where the game was already underway.

THIS... Is such a different experience than the last time I was here. With his VIP passes, we were ushered into a different part of the stadium, where there were no crowds. Someone showed us to our seats and I was disappointed to see that the opposing team was pitching. I sat back on my seat, which was so much bigger than the last one I had when I was last here.

I wondered if Joon was icing his shoulder or if he was just watching the game. The memory of icing brought back to mind the first time I ever saw him in a baseball field. I had worked a part time job at a burger place when I was in university and Joon ordered burgers and drinks for his team. When I arrived, there he was, shirtless, icing his shoulder. I can't help the blush that came over my face now as I thought back on how I unashamedly studied him. Yah, Sung Na Jeong... Why so bashful? You've seen that chest a million times now. In fact, you've seen everything. Even as I nodded to myself, my cheeks just kept getting redder.

Finally there was a strikeout, and the team changed sides. I craned my neck to see if Joon was pitching. The outfielders came out first and then the catcher, with his mask and his body vest on. Finally, I saw him. My breath hitched in my throat and my heart pounded inside me. A small smile formed in my face as I watched him tip his hat three times, then powdered his hand and grasped the ball twice. He reached into his jersey and pulled something out.

I recognize it... I gave it to him. He grasped the ring hanging from the chain and brought it to his lips as his eyes closed. Tucking it tenderly back inside his jersey, he looked up, his expression focused only on what he's about to do. My eyes unexpectedly filled with tears and I had to wipe them off before they fell. I had grasped my ring instinctively... The ring I haven't taken off my hand since he placed it there and was surprised when some tissue was offered to me by Jung Jin Oppa.

"He does that every game," he whispered. "He may have left Korea, but his heart was always with you. I'm glad to see the feeling's mutual."

He leaned back and I did too. I watched with bated breath as he flexed his neck and took his position. Bringing his long leg up to prepare for his pitch, I watched as the ball zoomed from his hand and straight into his catcher's mitt. I clapped in spite of myself, so proud of him. His pitches were consistent, and he allowed only one hit. By the end of the seventh inning, the score was still at 0-0.

When the teams changed sides again, I was just leaning down to grab my ddukbokki and start eating when I heard conversation behind me.

"Hampton's gonna kick Kim's ass," someone said with a chuckle. "The Giants will regret paying over 2 million for him." I heard a group of voices join him in laughing and indignant, I turned around and fixed a glare on them. Admiring glances were sent my way and I straightened my shoulders before I spoke to them in English.

"Actually..." I started. "Kim is going to kick Hampton's ass." When they gave me disbelieving stares, I know what they saw. They probably just saw a girl and thought I was just pretending to know about baseball. "I've seen Mike Hampton's stats from last season and it's nowhere near Kim Jae Joon's. His win to loss figures are 14 to 13 with only a winning percentage of 0.519. His ERA was also only 5.41. Kim Jae Joon, on the other hand, has a win to loss figure of 16 to 11, with a winning percentage of 0.593. His ERA is also only 4.17. They got him at a bargain at two million... He's easily worth five times as much." I narrowed my gaze at them as they stared slack jawed at me. I was about to turn back around to watch the game when one of them decided to be a smart ass.

"What are you? His fan club president or something?" Asked a pimply faced man with glasses.

"So what if I am?" I asked. Finally noting that they were wearing the same jersey as the opposing team, I decided to be petty too. "And oh yeah... One more thing to add... Kim Jae Joon is much better looking too. He is in People's Most Beautiful list. Beat that."

I turned back on my seat before they can say anything else. Though I heard them whispering behind my back, no one else dared vocalize any criticism. I felt someone's eyes on me and looked to my left to see Jung Jin Oppa giving me an impressed smile.

"Na Jeong, I thought Joon said that basketball was your favourite. I didn't realize that you knew so much about baseball."

"My father is a baseball coach and though I love basketball as a sport, Joon is my favourite subject to study and no one gets to criticize my Joon," I said, my eyes fixed on the game. "Except for me."

The game started its eighth inning and I watched as Joon kept his pitching steady. Though the game was tight, a last minute two person run enabled his team to win the game 2-1. I looked at my watch and saw that it was only a little past 2 p.m. Jung Jin Oppa led me back to the VIP lounge to use the restroom before leading me out the stadium. Once seated in the car, he turned to speak to me.

"Na Jeong-ah, Joon has to give some interviews and go through an after game meeting with his team before he can go. So the plan is that I take you to the apartment so you can rest a little before dinner. He made reservations already. He'll pick you up at around 5:30 p.m."

I nodded at him and continued to watch outside the car window as he drove to the apartment. We stopped at a luxurious apartment building and he parked the car effortlessly.

"We're here," he said. I got out of the car and watched as he took my luggage out of the trunk and the box that I had brought as well. I tried to take the box at least, but he declined. At the door, the doorman greeted Jung Jin Oppa.

"Mr. Lee, good to see you again. I saw Mr. Kim's game on television and he played great," he said. He turned his eyes on me and I saw recognition light through them. He took a closer look and a wide welcoming smile came over his kind face. "Ms. Sung... You finally made it!" He exclaimed.

Surprised at the familiarity in his greeting, I put a polite smile on my face before responding. "I'm sorry... But I didn't realize I knew you," I said in a friendly tone.

He shook his head no before responding. "No, no... We've never met. But Mr. Kim... JJ... He talks about you all the time. I've seen your pictures too. That's why I recognized your face. He's right though... The pictures don't do you justice."

A shy smile overcame my face and I offered my hand for a shake. He took my hand in both of his, before enclosing it in his warm grasp.

"My name is John and I'm the afternoon to night doorman here. So we'll be seeing each other a lot. It's nice to finally meet you."

"You too." I said, as Jung Jin Oppa patted his back and led me to the elevators. Even the elevator looked fancy, I thought. This whole place looked fancy. From the high ceilings to the marble foyer, it screamed luxury from each of its corners.

"Joon actually didn't want to live somewhere like this," Jung Jin Oppa explained as we walked out of the elevator, as if reading my mind. "But I insisted. Not necessarily because of the size or the exclusivity. More for security. Baseball is a lot more popular here, and athletes are an easy target." He stopped by a door and inserted a key before opening it for me.

I hesitantly walked in and had to consciously keep my mouth closed when I entered the apartment. The entryway was covered in whiskey coloured hardwood floors. The walls were all in cream had a patterned texture. I walked slowly and my eyes ate up everything it saw. I walked straight to the living room and I was speechless. The whole exterior wall facing outwards the apartment was covered in glass, floor to ceiling windows. The city can be seen just outside his balcony.

"Can I step out?" I asked Jung Jin Oppa.

"Why are you asking me?" He asked with a smile. He put my luggage by the living room and set my box on the kitchen. He unlocked the balcony door and opened it for me. I stepped outside the moon shaped balcony and couldn't believe my eyes. This view was breath-taking. I can't believe that Joon lives here. After I got my fill of the views and breathed in the San Francisco air, I went back into the apartment just in time to watch Jung Jin Oppa make his way towards the door.

"Are you leaving?" I asked.

"Yes," he replied. "There are two bathrooms but Joon said he's having some work done in the master bedroom so make sure you don't go in there. It might be paint fumes or something. There's another bathroom just here," he said, pointing to his right. "There's another bedroom here as well if you want to rest. I think I spotted a note for you on the kitchen counter. Remember... Joon is picking you up around 5:30 p.m."

"I got it. Thank you, Jin-ie Oppa." He smiled at me and left the apartment.

Running my fingers down the marble counters in the kitchen, I whistled admiringly at the furnishings and state of the art appliances. I set the kettle to boil after making sure that Joon had the supplies needed to make coffee. While waiting for the water to boil, I started unpacking the box I brought with me. Carefully unwrapping the big jars of kimchi and the side dishes Omma made, I placed them all in the fridge in organized rows. Joon barely had any food here, and I shook my head when I opened his cupboards and discovered just another small bag of rice and packets of ramyun and instant curry. I saw the note on the counter and took it with my cup of coffee to the living room. Slipping my sneakers off, I curled my feet underneath me and sat down. Taking a sip from the cup, I carefully placed it down on a coaster on the table and opened my note. Joon's masculine handwriting greeted me and I read the note slowly.

Jagiya,

I hope your flight wasn't terrible. I didn't have enough time to go food shopping before you came. I'm sorry. We can shop together while you're here. I made a reservation at an upscale restaurant tonight. I hope you remembered to bring a formal dress. No casual wear! I brought my suit with me so I'll get you at 5:30 p.m. after I'm done at the stadium. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU!

I love you.

Your Joon

I brought his note to my chest and held it close. I looked up and looked for a clock, and when I couldn't find one, I stood up and looked around. I spotted a corkboard in the living room and softened at the sight. Joon had pinned every single one of the pictures that we had taken his last days in Korea on it. I smiled while touching the pictures and saw a framed one of me at his entryway. Above it was the clock and I was alarmed when I saw that it was already 4 p.m. I quickly went back to my luggage and unpacked the dress I brought with me and my toiletries. I set out a pair of pointy pumps and put my makeup kit on the table.

Shower first. I walked in the direction of the bathroom and opened the door. Even the guest bathroom was spacious, the size of a bedroom in Korea. The floor was marbled and there was a full sized tub at the end, with a glass enclosed shower next to it. Deciding between a shower and a bath, I opted for the shower since I'm pressed for time. Turning the water on, I was surprised to see it was already at the right temperature in minutes. I opened the cabinet under the sink and found that Joon already put a hair dryer under it. The closet had a few sets of fluffy towels and I picked one out to use for my hair and one to wrap around me.

I stepped into the shower after undoing my braid and washed quickly. I laughed at myself when I nicked myself shaving my legs I was rushing so much. My nerves were a wreck, which is crazy. This is not our first date! I've seen everything! Multiple times! No amount of this reasoning is slowing my heartbeat down though. I feel anxious, excited... It's the first time I'm seeing Joon in four months! I quickly washed my hair and conditioned it. I patted my back for having the foresight to get my hair deep conditioned and trimmed before leaving. Finally done, I stepped out of the shower, my hair and my body wrapped in a towel.

It's 4:45 p.m... I have forty five minutes left to get ready. I went to the living room and slapped some lotion on my skin. I brushed my hair out and dried it with the hairdryer. By the time I had it styled in soft waves down my back, I only had fifteen minutes left to do my makeup and get dressed. I applied my makeup efficiently, going for a softer shadow to bring out my eyes and a nude lipstick. I carefully lifted my dress from its wrapping and lay it flat on the sofa. Finally ready I lifted it over my head and sighed as it moulded to my body. Joon better like this, I thought. This dress cost a fortune. Zipping myself up was tricky but I got it done. I slipped my feet into the shoes, thankful that I've been practicing walking in them for weeks.

I unpacked my clutch from my suitcase and threw in a tube of lip gloss and some money. I know they don't use Korean money here, but it never hurts to have it, right?

I made my way out of his apartment at 5:25 p.m., trying to walk steadily to the elevator. I'm so nervous I feel like I'm going to pass out. When I exited the elevators, some people turned to look at me. I wondered for a moment if I had something on my face. Oh well. Too late now. John, the doorman, opened the door for me and I took a deep breath as I stepped out.

And then I saw him, leaning on his car, looking at his watch. My heart stopped as he stood up and looked at me. He was wearing a perfectly tailored suit, the white shirt undone at the top two buttons. His hair was still wet and slicked back. His feet were covered in loafers. My throat dried up as I drank in the sight of him. His handsome face brightening, his lips turned up into a sexy grin and I had to stop myself from melting onto the pavement. Breathe, Na Jeong. Breathe. I felt a smile form on my face in response and I delicately shrugged my shoulders, as if to say, you got me here... Now what?

##

## May 24, 2001

## 5:28 p.m.

## Chilbong

The traffic in this city is horrible sometimes. After all the post-game stuff I had to do, I quickly showered and changed into the suit that hyung had brought for me. What should have been a fifteen minute drive turned into almost a half hour and I made it just in time.

I took off my sunglasses and placed them in a case in the glove compartment. I got out of the car and leaned against it. Wondering why Na Jeong wasn't outside yet, I debated whether to go upstairs and pick her up from my apartment then stopped myself. Don't be so eager, Jae Joon. Keep it cool.

The thought of seeing her again makes me dizzy. Distance hasn't cooled any of my flames down... Has it hers? Sure, she sounded as affectionate as ever whenever we spoke... But what if she doesn't find me attractive anymore? It doesn't matter. She loves you.

I was just looking at my watch again when from the corner of my eye I saw the entrance open. A vision in black and gold caught my attention and I turned around. Seeing her for the first time, here with me, here for me, almost brought me to my knees. It didn't help that she looked amazing. My breath caught in my throat and the butterflies in my stomach went into a frenzy.

Na Jeong was wearing a long black gown, threads of gold woven into the fabric of the dress in an intricate pattern. The dress was strapless, exposing creamy shoulders and just a hint of her chest. Tightly bodiced with a tailored fit, it shouldn't have looked sensual but it did. The dress wrapped her small waist perfectly before flaring out into a full length skirt. But the side had a slit halfway up her thigh, showing a line of long leg. Her shoes were encased in simple black high stiletto heels. She left her even longer hair parted in the middle, loose behind her, in soft waves down her back. She looked like a goddess. Save for a pair of earrings, the only jewellery she wore was her ring on her right hand, the match to the one I now wore back on my hand.

Her eyes met mine and my mouth watered. The gold in her dress brought out the gold flecks in her eyes. Her lids were muted except for a precise line, highlighting those lovely almond shaped eyes. Her face held no blemish and her lips held a sheer gloss. Not knowing what to do and with my heart frantically beating out of my chest, I gave her a hesitant grin. She gave me a small smile in response before shrugging her shoulders. She took a step forward and I met her strides with my own.

It took only a nanosecond and my arms went around her waist as she wrapped her arms around my neck. She's real. She's here. I breathed her in, her smell that purely of herself, but a hint of me too. I tucked my head on her neck before allowing myself to look at her.

She had a sweet smile on her face as she looked at me. She ran her fingers through my hair and I closed my eyes to the sheer pleasure of feeling her hands on me again. I pressed my forehead to hers and looked into her eyes.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi back." She pressed a soft kiss on my lips before taking my hand. She intertwined our ringed hands together and looked at them in wonder. "Can you believe we've been apart for four months?" As soon as her lips had touched mine, my body reacted instinctively. This is going to be a problem.

No... Yes... I don't know how to answer her question. I'm a little distracted. "Has it been that long already?" I asked. "It went by so quickly I didn't notice." Autumn sky is void and vast, high and cloudless, the bright moon is our heart, undivided and true. Three thousand Li of splendid rivers and mountains, filled with Roses of Sharon; Great Korean People, stay true to the Great Korean way.

"Liar." She nudged me on my side as she pulled away. I am so hopeless I savoured even that. "This better be good. I got dolled up for you, and for this." She started walking away as I watched her.

"Na Jeong-ah," I called out. She turned around and looked at me questioningly. "You look beautiful..." Embarrassed, I looked down. "Ahh, I just wanted to let you know that." This is not your first date. You've been together for more than half a year.

"Joon-ah, you look beautiful too. A sight for my very sore eyes." She walked back to me and took my hand as we walked to the car together. I opened the passenger door and waited until she was safely in until I closed the door. Still feeling surreal, I went to the driver's side quickly and turned the ignition on.

As soon as we pulled out of the lot and onto traffic, she took my hand in hers.

"Jagiya," she said. "How have you been?"

"Good," I said curtly. Her skin looked amazing and her neck. So lickable. I can see her long leg peeking out of that slit and I swallowed. If I reach over, how far does the slit go? Control yourself, Kim Jae Joon, I told myself silently.

I can feel her studying me and I started sweating. Na Jeong's presence permeated the car and I can smell her perfume. Why does she smell so delicious? And her eyes... They look so big today. Those eyes are staring at me. Don't look. Don't look. You planned tonight. You have to wait.

"Joon-ah," she said, my name coming out of her mouth so beautifully. "Do you not like my dress?"

I cleared my throat and forced myself to keep my gaze directed on the road. "I like it." At my response, I can feel her eyes narrow at me. Don't look at her. She'll tempt you with her lips and her eyes and her neck... HER EVERYTHING. You must control yourself. You have to. Women like romance. You are not an animal... You can handle this.

"Then why won't you look at me?" She asked plaintively, biting her lower lip. Those lips... I want those lips on mine. I want to kiss her so badly my hands are shaking. I want to kiss her like it's the first time I'm kissing her.

"Jagiya, I can't look at you because if I did, I'd be turning back around to the apartment and your dress will be ripped off of you."

"Oh," she said, a pleased smile in her voice. "But we can't do that, right? You're all dressed up and I'm all dressed up." I nodded in response.

That makes sense. We're not teenagers. I breathed a sigh of relief when we arrived at the restaurant. Thank God, we're here. I was just pulling into the restaurant driveway towards the valet parking when I heard her voice. "But then again, on second thought, maybe we should go back?"

The hope in her voice startled me and I pressed my foot on the brakes a little too hard. We lurched to a stop and I looked at her. I was actually thinking of turning right back to the apartment when the valet opened her door. She was still looking at me, her eyes lit by desire and her mouth partially opened, with her tongue peeking out to lick her lips. Her gaze dropped to my lips and my stomach dropped.

You need to eat. She needs to eat. But... But we can eat after. NO... The reservation has been made. The valet cleared his throat and said a hesitant greeting. His voice broke through my reverie and Na Jeong blushed before gathering her skirt to one side and carefully stepping out of the car. I took a few minutes to try to control my erection. Humming the Korean anthem, again, I stepped out of the car and straightened my jacket, taking Na Jeong's hand before handing him my key.

We walked into the restaurant together and Na Jeong stayed close to me. I can feel the warmth of her fingers through my jacket and I had to keep a straight face as I approached the maître d' to let him know that we've arrived for our reservation.

"Mr. Kim, Ms. Sung," he said with a warm smile. "Welcome to Benu. Your seats are ready for you. Please follow me."

He started walking off into the direction of the main dining room and stopped at a corner table for two. I watched as her hips swayed temptingly from side to side as she followed him. And I... I would have followed wherever those hips were going.

Our table was set up against a banquette with an additional chair opposite, but as Na Jeong sat down on the bench, I sat down next to her. I've been without her for too long, and we only have six days. And six nights. She suddenly looked at me like she knew what was on my mind, and we stayed looking at each other before the server came. After placing our drink orders, I noticed how close she was sitting next to me, and the way she crossed her legs, her thigh was close enough for me to touch. My fingers itched to see if her skin was as soft as it looked and to control myself, I decided to speak instead. Our faces only a few inches apart, I whispered, "You hungry?"

Her eyes never leaving mine, she responded. "Ravenous." I know she wasn't talking about food. Her breathing was shallow and I can see her pulse beating on her neck. Just one taste, I told myself. Just one. My head leaned down towards hers and met her lips even as my hand wrapped tenderly on one side of her neck.

When I felt her lips against mine, desire pounded through my veins and I forced myself to take my time. Rose petal soft lips, a hint of the strawberry that I know and love... And I was lost. My thumb grazed her cheek, so silky soft, and goosebumps spread over my arm as her hair brushed over it.

"Joon-ah," she whispered, and as her lips opened with the second syllable my mouth claimed hers again. Our tongues met surely, instinctively, and I can taste her anticipation and excitement. I sucked on her tongue as her fingers grasped my shoulders. Licking her lips, I heard her sigh. Her heart pounding against my chest, I struggled to keep my wits about me. Her teeth grazed my lower lip as I pulled my mouth away, seeing the server coming with our drinks from the corner of my eye.

She picked up her drink to take a sip and I could've sworn that her hands were trembling. The colour was on her cheeks and her hand came over her chest, as if willing it to slow down. A surge of male satisfaction went through me, seeing that she is as affected as I was and emboldened, my hand rested on the skin peeking out of her dress. Though she stiffened in surprise, she didn't push my hand away. She relaxed within minutes and we sat in silence looking at each other while we waited for our food.

"Jagiya... How come they didn't give us a menu?" She asked softly.

"They only serve a tasting menu here. They will bring whatever the chef had prepared for tonight." I ran a finger down her nose and kissed her forehead, my hand still resting on her thigh.

"How many courses are there?"

"I know you can eat," I answered teasingly, and chuckled softly. "There are ten courses. You won't be hungry after," I reassured her.

"Ten courses?" She asked worriedly. "That's a lot of courses... How long will it take to finish that?" I heard the impatience in her voice and had to suppress a laugh.

"Yah... I'm trying to romance you. I didn't get to, last time. We ran out of time."

"Well... Can't you romance me... At your place?" I shook my head at her and smoothed the frown on her brow.

"I can romance you everywhere... But I wanted to see you all dressed up," I whispered as I kissed her lips. "That way I can enjoy undressing you."

She glared at me in response. "You're not allowed to talk to me like that while we're out in public. It's not fair."

"I'm sorry. What am I allowed to do?" I asked in her ear before I gave her earlobe a little nip. I heard her moan her satisfaction softly. "Am I allowed to do this?" I asked, moving to her neck. She nodded and put a hand on my neck. I gave her neck a little lick and her hold on me tightened. "Am I allowed to do this?" My hand on her thigh started traveling upwards between her legs. Her skin felt so soft I was tempted to keep going to see how far up she would let me go.

But the servers came out with our first course, a dish with oyster, pork belly and kimchi, and I watched as she took her first bite and her eyes closed in pleasure. I haven't seen that on her face in too long. I ate my dish and was impressed. My teammates weren't lying when they said that the food here was amazing.

After the plates were cleared to prepare for the second course, I felt Na Jeong's hand on my thigh. I didn't object as I thought she was just going to keep it there, but her fingers started exploring and I started getting nervous. My arousal pressed painfully against my trousers and I gritted my teeth as her hand grasped me more firmly. She stroked through the fabric, and I took her mouth for another kiss. Not so gentle, not so tender, I kissed her thoroughly until I felt her hands restlessly on my chest. This is torture. She's torturing me.

I tugged my mouth away from hers and motioned for the server. Within seconds, our server was back at our table and I asked him hoarsely for our check. He looked confused, but nodded anyway. As I was waiting to pay the bill, Na Jeong started kissing my neck, her head tucked in my shoulder.

"Jagiya... Ask them to pack up the food," she requested. "You'll need it later."

I pulled her away from me, unable to think, when I saw the restaurant manager approaching our table.

"Mr. Kim... Is there a problem with your meal?" He asked politely. "You've only had the first course and you're asking for your check."

I tried to put a neutral expression on my face, though I'm sure it looked more like I was angry or in pain. "No, just get me the check. We need to leave."

Next to me, Na Jeong flushed and I thought about how funny it was that she's so daring but gets embarrassed so easily. She motioned for the General Manager to come closer and asked sweetly. "Is there any way that you can ask the chef to pack up the rest of the courses? We'll tell everyone what an incredible experience we had here."

He nodded in understanding and I watched as he briskly made his way behind the double doors that led to the kitchen. Na Jeong's fingers didn't leave my thigh, and I started sweating. She's relentless. Persistent. I don't know how we're going to make it back to my place alive. Thankfully, within minutes, some carryout containers in a white paper bag appeared on our table, along with our check. I placed my card in the guest check holder and waited for the receipt. Once it came, I signed it quickly and dragged Na Jeong out of the restaurant.

As we were waiting for the valet to come back with the car, she stayed standing in front of me and I took that time to admire her neck and the smooth expanse of skin on her upper back. I traced my fingers on her shoulders and she turned back to gift me with a smile. I don't even think she knows how beautiful she is. That's part of her allure. I still can't believe she's here. I don't know when it will hit me that she is, but I hope it's soon. Because I'm looking like a fool right now just staring at her and smelling her hair.

Finally our car arrived and we were on our way back to the apartment. She tapped her hand on the door handle impatiently and I tried to concentrate on driving, aware that if I should just turn around and look at her I'll be pulling over and we will never make it out of the car.

Na Jeong, however, had no such reservations. She stared at me the whole time. It felt like she was undressing me with her eyes. When we stopped at the stoplight, she took my hand and unable to stop myself, I looked at her.

"Joon-ah..." I raised my eyebrows enquiringly. "Hurry."

That was all the encouragement I needed to put my foot down on the accelerator and speed all the way home. I wasn't even sure how many almost red lights I ran through. Na Jeong didn't say anything and just stayed focused on the road, her hand still holding mine. When we got back to the apartment building, I parked the car quickly and she exited just as quickly as I did. We practically sprinted into the apartment when John looked at both of us curiously.

"Mr. Kim, Ms. Sung, you're back early!" he greeted jovially.

Na Jeong smiled at him and said, "Yes. I don't feel so well... I think I may still have jet lag or something. I need to lie down." I almost choked on her blunt lie. John looked like he didn't believe us but I ushered her towards the elevators before she could get herself in any more trouble.

While waiting for the elevator, I whispered, "Yah... Why do you lie so easily?'

"What was I supposed to tell him? That we abandoned our meal so we can come back here because we have no self-control?" She asked.

"You're right."

We entered the elevator hand in hand, but seeing the tempting situation we were in, I went to one corner of the elevator and she went on another. I knew that the elevators had cameras... That's part of the reason why I moved here. There were eyes everywhere. Dammit.

I looked at her as she stared at the buttons on the elevator. My abdomen tightened, and I felt my arousal get even harder, if that was possible. We stood in silence for a few minutes until music came on in the elevator. I don't usually notice this, but I suppose in the absence of other ambient noises and the fact that there was so much tension in this one elevator, it seemed to be even more obvious. The strains of 'Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head' cut through the silence and I started laughing... Who picks these songs? Na Jeong looked at me too with a frown first but started laughing as well. This is so weird. But it felt good to be able to laugh with her again. I've missed the sound of her laughter.

When we got to my floor, I took her hand and we walked to my apartment. Opening the door, she turned to me and asked, "Jagiya... Did you forget the food in the car?"

Damn. In my haste to get back to the apartment, I completely forgot. "Yes, I did." I was tempted to tell her not to worry about the food, but she loves food and hates wasting money, so I was afraid that she might actually smack me. "Just wait a minute. I'll be right back."

She gave me a quick peck on the lips before entering the apartment. I took the elevator back downstairs and thankfully John was speaking to another resident. Grabbing the food container from the back, I remembered that it's a good thing that I forgot it, actually. I opened the glove compartment and grabbed the box of condoms I had Hyung purchase earlier. I really hated to do that, but my face is pretty well known around my neighbourhood, and I haven't needed it since I left Korea, so that would have been a problem. Safety first.

I went back to the apartment as quickly as possible and opened the door. Stopping at the kitchen to put the food in the fridge, I saw Na Jeong standing by my window and I found myself staring again. Her face was in profile, looking out at the city. Even just her presence here has changed the way my apartment looked in my eyes. All of a sudden it was home.

That dress on her really does look incredible. It hugged her slim waist and gently flaring hips and accentuated her chest. It made her skin glow and her eyes twinkle. It...Needs to come off. With my heart in my throat, I walked over to where she stood and gently shifted the weight of her long hair over one shoulder and I placed my mouth at the skin I exposed. She extended her neck back and grabbed my head closer to her neck. She turned around and looked at me.

"Did you grab the food?"

"Yes, I did," I was about to lean down and kiss her fully when she looked at my hand.

"I see you grabbed something else as well," she said, smiling. "A whole box, Joon? Seriously?"

"Ahh... It's just in case," I stammered. "We don't have to use it all."

"Joon-ah... One box may not be enough," she responded, her tone teasing. "It doesn't matter anyways..." She motioned for me to come closer so she can whisper something in my ear. I felt her warm breath over me as I got closer to her. "We don't have to use it anymore. I'm on the pill."

## Na Jeong

I don't know what's taking Joon so long to come back, I thought, as I waited for him to grab the food container from the car. I traced a finger over the glass, as if I can catch any of the twinkling lights in the city like a butterfly. That would have been a great dinner... But this is even better.

I knew as soon as I saw Joon that I didn't feel like going out anymore. I would have been perfectly happy to just stay home and get undressed again. But he looked so dashing and was being such a gentleman. He looked really proud to have planned something as well, so I didn't want to disappoint him. But we only have six days. And not even six whole days. With his season in full swing, I have to wait until he gets back before we can do anything. Small sacrifices for a lifetime with Joon.

I heard the door open but still distracted by my thoughts, I didn't turn around. I heard some vague activity in the kitchen but I wanted to see if Joon would come to me. I counted to ten in my head and waited. I didn't even get to three when I felt his callused hand on my neck, sweeping my hair to one side. I know my Joon.

I felt his lips follow where his fingers were and I closed my eyes. Running my fingers through his hair, I felt him breathe me in. I turned around and looked at his face. His eyes were focused entirely on me. I saw everything all at once... Desire, passion and love. Feelings of tenderness came over me quickly so to keep them in check, I spoke instead.

"Did you grab the food?" I asked.

"Yes, I did," he responded. He was leaning down towards me when I noticed the box of condoms in his hand.

"I see you grabbed something else as well," I said, a smile on my face. "A whole box, Joon? Seriously?"

"Ahh... It's just in case." He looked nervous now, and I almost feel bad for teasing him. "We don't have to use it all."

"Joon-ah... One box may not be enough," I said, my voice amused. "It doesn't matter anyways..." I motioned for him to come closer and when he did I cupped a hand over his ear. "We don't have to use it anymore. I'm on the pill," I whispered.

He backed away, a shocked expression on his face. I was still trying to decipher the look on his face, unsure whether I had moved too fast, when he was everywhere all of a sudden. His mouth was on mine... Urgent, insistent, desperate. I felt his tongue met mine in a frenzy. His hands were in my hair and on my neck. Even as his tongue mated with mine, I felt his fingers on the back of my thighs, lifting one up to wrap around his waist, to bring his hardness closer to my core, as he pressed me up against the cold glass, I nipped on his lip and heard an answering moan. So sexy... I love the sounds that Joon makes. My fingers scrambled to get him out of his clothes. I pushed his jacket off his shoulders as his mouth travelled down my neck, licking and sucking. He gave the side of my neck a little nibble and I couldn't help the sigh that escaped my lips. One hand on his head, I tugged on his shirt, trying to get it open. His mouth took mine again, and then I heard his voice, husky with wanting.

"Jagiya... Are you going to tear off another one of my shirts?" He asked, his lips less than an inch away from mine. I impatiently sucked on his lower lip even as he was pulling away. His eyes never leaving mine, I watched as he slowly unbuttoned his shirt. Ohmygod. Is this what he does when we have our late night/early morning conversations? I watched with my throat dry as he casually shrugged off his shirt, revealing his broad chest, that tight abdomen... Those strong shoulders. I think I might actually be panting while watching him. Now just covered with his pants on, his arousal was evident, I walked towards him and put my mouth on his neck, then travelled down to his chest. My hands went straight to his pants and he pulled them away. He chuckled in my ear.

"Na Jeong-ah... Patience. Let me enjoy you first." He brought his chest to mine and I almost cried because I couldn't get close enough to feel his skin.

"Joon-ah... Please," I whispered as he planted kisses on my shoulders and down my arms.

"Please, what?" He asked, his mouth kissing my body over my dress.

"Please undress me. I need to feel you..." I met his eyes as he was kissing down my leg. "I want to feel you."

He rose to his feet and kissed me. My lips felt tingly, all too aware of how long it's been since I've been with him this way. His mouth was on mine, nipping, licking, sucking... Like a man who's never been kissed. Like a man who will never kiss again. He devoured my mouth, and I met his tongue with mine, knowing how much he loves kissing me. Even as Joon was in front of me, I can hear his voice, hoarse with passion, whispering all those words to me over the phone all these months. "I love kissing you. I could kiss you forever." The memory, coupled with Joon's mouth on me, leaves me breathless, overwhelmed.

You've gone crazy Na Jeong... You're fantasizing about your man while you're with your man.

When his lips left mine, my lips felt bruised and tender. I felt strong hands on my back, before I felt sure fingers tugging on the zipper of my dress. Finally... Finally... Finally... I felt his mouth connect with every inch of skin he's exposing, and I almost cried gratefully when the dress loosened and the corseted bodice fell open over my breasts. Joon's hands cupped them reverently before his mouth took over. He licked my right nipple, his tongue moving leisurely, like he's a man who had all the time in the world. His other hand squeezed my breast gently, before he rolled my nipple between his fingers. My back arched to get closer, as he tended to my other breast in the same exacting, measured way. This feels too good, I thought. Too good.

He continued with his exploration with his mouth when I felt his hand reach into the slit of the dress to the warmth between my legs. I felt him pull my underwear down and I lifted my legs to let him. Even as his lips were placing kisses on my abdomen, his hands were caressing my core tenderly. Unable to reach far enough with his hands, I heard a loud rip as he widened the slit of the dress. Uncaring, I had my hands on his hair as his mouth found me. I felt him licking at me, his fingers entering me in one swift stroke. I would have been uncomfortable with the intrusion if not for the fact that all his teasing had me ready. I knew I was ready.

His fingers were confident, sure inside me as his lips sucked on the most sensitive part of me. I moved my hips to the rhythm of his fingers as he licked and sucked. I can feel my climax building up and I wanted him inside me. But Joon... Joon was relentless. With confidence he continued to stroke and caress, until I couldn't control it anymore. My peak came in a crashing wave, leaving my legs weakened and my breath coming in short gasps. Even as I was still riding the crest of my release, he pulled his fingers out and stood up. He unbuttoned his pants and let it and his underwear drop to the floor. I watched as he stepped out of his clothes confidently, and following his lead, our eyes locked together, I shimmied out of my dress. With anyone else, I would have been self-conscious, embarrassed. But the way Joon looks at me makes me feel beautiful and adored. As soon as my dress was off and I finally slipped my heels off, he stalked to me and took me in his arms.

His hands on my waist, he lifted me and entered me in one smooth thrust and I moaned from the sensation. Nothing separated us now, and the feel of him, raw inside me, drove my need higher. My back was pressed against the glass behind me, but I didn't care. He supported my weight with his as I wrapped my legs around his waist. He held my arms over my head, our fingers interlocked. His hips moved in an even pace, his beautiful eyes watching my face for my reaction. I closed my eyes and imagined how we must look right now... Our bodies connected, his length sliding deeper and deeper inside me. The image in my head, coupled with the reality of Joon here, with me, pushed me over the edge and as if knowing this, he sped up and the focus in his eyes intensified. When I reached my climax, I opened my eyes and looked into his. His name passed through my lips and he kissed me as I came. I wrapped my arms around his neck and held on as he stiffened for a moment and groaned out my name. I could feel the pounding of his heart against my chest and my calves stayed locked around his hips even as he trembled in my arms. Even as our breathing evened and he's pulled himself out of me, I held him in my arms and he kept his head on my shoulder. I feel so giddy right now I was lightheaded. When he lifted his head, I pressed a kiss on his forehead.

"Joon-ah... If this is what happens after we've been apart, then I don't mind it so much," I whispered, chuckling. "And you owe me another dress." When I didn't hear the chuckle expected, I looked at him only to see him studying me.

"I love you," he said slowly. "I really love you... Do you know that?"

"Yeah, I know," I responded quietly. So serious, my Joon. I smoothed his hair, now mussed from my fingers, down. "I love you. You know that, right?" His face broke into a smile and I sighed. "Joon-ah... I've missed you."

"I miss you more." He took my hand and kissed it. "It's not the same anywhere without you."

"Home, too." I looked at his face before I brushed the back of my hand against his cheek. "Nothing is the same without you." Realizing that I was still by the windows naked, I cringed and pulled away from his hand. I walked to my suitcase and grabbed his jersey and slipped it on as he watched me.

"Yah... Sung Na Jeong... Why bother when that's coming off again?" He asked and I grinned at him. I looked him up and down and had to stop myself from staring. He really was a beautiful man. He reluctantly picked up his boxers and put them on. It was only then that I realized he still had his socks on. Before I could even stop myself, I started giggling. He grinned at me without asking what I found so amusing. I walked over to the fridge and took out the box that we brought home from the restaurant and carefully placed it on the counter.

"Joon-ah... Where are your utensils and plates?" I asked. When I didn't hear a response, I started opening cupboards but then felt his presence behind me as he reached over above my head to grab a plate. He opened the drawer next to the stove and pulled out two sets of chopsticks. He put the box in the microwave and set it for a small amount of time. When it was done, we placed the food on one plate then walked over to the couch.

He turned the television on and I was surprised to see that he had it on something called The Discovery Channel. I would have expected him to watch the sports channel or something, but it seems that he's not that interested in watching sports at home. It makes sense, I suppose. I wouldn't watch anything about my job at home either. When we opened the box, I was pleasantly surprised to see that the restaurant had labelled everything so we knew what we were eating. I watched television cuddled next to him as we picked food from the plate.

"You have to try this," he said, turning to me. "Say ahh..."

I opened my mouth and he placed a piece of food in my mouth. Flavours exploded in my mouth as I tried to figure out what I just ate. I recognized abalone, but that's about it. I took a second piece and placed it in my mouth. My eyes closed as I savoured the bite. Now, that is delicious. Beggar's purse of treasure from the oak? I read the name of the dish, and I'll be damned if I knew what that was. I was still trying to figure out if it was a riddle of sorts when I looked up to see Joon's eyes focused on me. "What?" I asked self-consciously, wondering if I had something on my teeth.

"Nothing... Nothing... You're just so cute." He leaned over and gave me a soft kiss.

My feet felt cold and I got up to get a pair of socks from my suitcase, but when I searched for a clean pair I couldn't find one. How could I forget to pack socks? Rummaging through what I had, I shook my head. I knew I had forgotten something,

"Joon-ah... Can I borrow a pair of your socks? I only have one pair with me, and I have to wash it," I asked.

Distracted by the television, he didn't even look at me as he answered. "Yeah... Just look in the drawer of the master bedroom."

The master bedroom? Which one is that? Oh yeah, it's the door Jin-ie Oppa told me not to open because of paint fumes or something. Well it's been a few hours now, so it should be okay. I padded my way to the bedroom and was then surprised when I heard Joon running from behind me to block the door.

"Jagiya... Don't go in here."

"It's okay... I think it's safe now. A little paint fume won't kill me," I said, as I tried to push him out of the way. When he didn't budge, I narrowed my eyes at him to see him looking nervous. Like he had something to hide. "Yah, Kim Jae Joon... What's wrong? Why are you just standing there?" I tried to push him away and he leaned down to kiss me. I turned my face away and took the time that he's distracted to push my way through the door. I swear to God, I will kill him if I find something in this room that belongs to another woman. He wouldn't do that, would he?

That was my first condition! I can't believe he's hiding shit from me now! I'll make you regret it... I was still stewing in annoyance when I finally made my way into the door. I looked for any sign of work done and when I didn't, I spoke up.

"There was no painting being done here. Joon-ah, why would you lie? I can't belie..." My voice trailed off as I noticed that his master bedroom was covered in rows and rows and vases and vases of roses. Covering every surface I looked, there were roses in every colour. My mouth opened in shock even as the thought occurred to me that all this could be from his fans. The explosion of roses took me by surprise and as hard as I tried to get words out of my mouth, it just opened and closed ineffectively.

"Na Jeong-ah," I heard his voice say from behind me. "Do you like it?"

Why would I like it? My boyfriend sleeps with flowers that he received from his fans. He could have spread it out more all over the apartment. Who does things like this? And why would he hide it from me?

He walked into the bedroom until he was standing in front of me. Looking at the floor, he took a deep breath before speaking. "Uhm, I know this looks weird, but... But I bought one for every time I thought of you, and this was the only way I could think of to show you how much I missed you."

Overwhelmed with love, I was about to ask him if he was crazy and yell at him for even thinking I needed anything like this but softened as I looked at him still unable to look at me. Normally so confident, he looked vulnerable as he stood there waiting for my reaction. He looked so nervous I was curious for one minute if he was about to propose. Nah... It's too soon for that. Wanting to make him feel more at ease and to show him how much I appreciated it, I did the only thing I could. I slipped his jersey off my head and dragged him to bed.

##

## Chilbong

By the time I caught up to Na Jeong, she already had her hand on the doorknob of the master bedroom. I only belatedly remembered what I had prepared after I already told her where to get socks. Berating myself, I looked at everywhere but her as she fixed those hazel eyes on me. I saw her gaze narrow and I started sweating bullets.

I don't know why I even thought this was a good idea. Roses are romantic, that magazine said. I need to stop reading those magazines, but since Na Jeong loved them I bought one to put in the apartment for her, and out of boredom I read it a couple of nights before she arrived. I thought I could use some tips. This relationship is so new, and I don't always know what to do. Sometimes I still feel like we moved so fast that I didn't get a chance to woo her. Six years ago, I was a college student, and was unable to. Now I can, so I want to.

I woke up early this morning and passed by a flower stall on my run. I only thought to buy her one rose, but next thing I knew, I had gone back to the apartment and looked at my notebook to count how many times I've thought of her in the last four months. I drove around for hours before my game, and I'm pretty convinced that I've bought out all the roses in San Francisco. That's what it took to obtain 279 roses.

Looking at the way she was glaring at me, I can only imagine what's going in her head. She probably thinks that I'm hiding a woman in here, or any evidence of sexual escapades. What woman? There's only one woman for me. Else she'll probably think that they were all from fans and blow it out of proportion. I didn't want to argue about a non-existent issue, so I thought to soften her up a little bit. I leaned down to kiss her and maybe carry her to the bedroom so she can adjust slowly, but she turned her cheek before I could even make contact. By the time I realized what happened, she had already opened the door and was standing by the door in the bedroom.

"There was no painting being done here. Joon-ah, why would you lie? I can't belie..." her voice stopped mid-sentence and I hesitated following her.

"Na Jeong-ah," I asked her hesitantly. "Do you like it?" When she didn't respond, I told myself to man up. I walked to the middle of the room and turned around to see her face in shock. Her mouth kept opening and closing, but no words were coming out. Looking at the floor, I cleared my throat. "Uhm, I know this looks weird, but... But I bought one for every time I thought of you, and this was the only way I could think of to show you how much I missed you."

Great, she'll probably yell at me and ask me if I'm crazy. Or say that she doesn't need it. But isn't that the point? Just because she doesn't need it doesn't mean she doesn't deserve it. I will not apologize for this. It's my relationship too and I should be able to romance her if that's what I want to do. I was about to tell her as much when I looked up just in time for her pulling my jersey off her body. She smiled at me and took my hand as she pulled me towards the bed.

She laid down on the bed, her eyes watching my next move. I sat between her legs and enjoyed the view. I wondered if she even knows how beautiful she is. Like a temptress... Her hair a mass of ink on my pillows, her breasts proud, her nipples erect and her core so perfect. She looked at me with mixture of tenderness and desire. She appeared to be thinking of something and I was about to ask her, but then she spoke.

"Joon-ah... Will you show me? Will you show me what you do when we're apart, when you're on the phone with me..." She said the words courageously, but then looked away and I swear I saw a blush cover her from head to toe.

I know which phone calls she's talking about. Grinning, I told her, "I'll show you if you show me."

Her eyes widened, and I can almost see the wheels turning in her head. She took a deep breath, as if having made her mind up. I saw her tentatively bring her hands to her neck, then down her chest. She cupped her breasts with both of her hands and rubbed her thumbs over her nipples. Her back arched as a low moan escaped her throat. My hand went to my chest, trying to calm my racing heart. This was not a good idea... I'm going to lose this game, but I don't care. Who cares about winning when my prize was already before me?

My arousal twitched and I fought the urge to just climb over her and savour her smell and her taste. I put my hand down to touch myself and stroked as she opened her eyes to watch me. When she saw what I was doing, her gaze darkened and her hands became braver. Her fingers swiftly moved to go between her legs and I felt myself trembling as I watched her fingers go where I wanted to be. I stroked myself up and down, slowly, even as I pulled a rose out of the vase next to the bed.

Drifting it over her nipples, I watched with satisfaction as her eyes closed slowly and a sigh came from her lips. She whispered my name as she continued with her fingers. I watched my hand as it trailed the rose over her chest and her neck and down her abdomen. When it reached her core, some petals fell and I stared at it, drinking in the sight of this beautiful woman, her beauty covered in rose petals. My hand moved on my erection slowly, the feeling so familiar, having done this so many times before, and so strange, never having done it with anyone watching me. Her lovely eyes watched what I was doing, but kept going back to my face, meeting my eyes. When I saw her insert a finger inside her, all control slipped and I was done.

I took her nipple in my mouth and sucked as my fingers guided hers into herself. She was so wet, and I couldn't wait to get inside her. But I have to pace myself... I have to make sure she enjoys this as much as I do. She lifted herself off the bed and kissed my abdomen. Her fingers wrapped around my length as she took me in her mouth. I could feel her tongue, insistent on my erection and I heard myself growl. Like I did seemingly long ago, she lifted one of my hands long enough to place it on her head. With her hands and her lips on me, I laid myself down and she followed, never breaking contact. I felt her fingers caressing my inner thighs and I lifted her off of me to kiss her.

Her body firmly on mine, I kissed her mouth as I stroked her core, then lifted my hips to enter her. No barrier in between us, I felt our skin connect, the pleasure immeasurable. My hands on her waist, I watched as her hair fell over in front of her, staying alluringly over her breasts. She had both her hands on my chest as I guided her pace. At first it was a slow rhythm, and I closed my eyes to the sensation. Her tightness around me, I was tempted to let go it felt so good. Then as her climax neared she sped up, her hips rotating as she continued to ride me. She cried my name out over and over as she peaked. When I felt her shaking in my arms, I shifted positions so that I was on top with her long legs over my shoulders. I placed a tender kiss on her calf and continued to thrust inside her. Her eyes stayed open on mine, and I couldn't stop myself from watching as every sensation flitted over her face. When I felt her tighten against me a second time, I lowered her legs and kissed her mouth as she chanted my name. Pulling my lips just enough so I can say her name as I came, I felt my release take over. Her eyes on mine, I felt the intensity all the way to my toes. She kept her arms firmly around me, her nails digging into my shoulders. She held me close as I recovered, her heart beating the same beat as mine.

I ran my hands down her hair and looked at her as she smiled. She planted kisses all over my face. Without realizing it, I was smiling back at her. We stayed connected like that for a few minutes, enjoying the silence. There's silence that's uncomfortable and tense. This wasn't one of them. I felt like the stars aligned at this moment in time and my world was complete again.

"I love you," I said hoarsely.

"I know," she said, satisfied. "Joon-ah... You have a really big tub. Should we have a bath? I always wanted to do that... I've seen people do it in movies and stuff... But the bathrooms in Korea are really small, and... "

"Yes. Let's take a bath.."

Minutes later, we found ourselves in the huge master tub, surrounded by foam. Na Jeong sat at the opposite end, her feet flinging bubbles to my face. She'd put her hair up in a loose bun on the top of her head and she looked happy as we took a bath. I closed my eyes to avoid the soapy water but laughed when her foot drifted to my waist to tickle me. Just when I thought I couldn't be any happier, I manage to get surprised every time. By the time her foot stopped and I was done laughing, I looked at her only to see her watching me, a look of contentment on her face.

"What?" I asked. "What's with the smile?"

"Nothing. " She shook her head. "Nothing... Just that it feels like we've never been apart. I wish you didn't have to be so far all the time. I love spending every day with you, or at least seeing you every day... Yah... You sure you want to be a Major League Baseball player?"

"Don't jinx me," I warned her and flung some bubbles her way.

She wiped it off her pretty face, but didn't say anything. Still looking like she's thinking, she said, "Joon-ah... I wish you could have been there to calm Samcheonpo down when Yoon Jin had the baby. You should have seen him, crying and carrying him." She laughed at the memory. "You saw the pictures? He's cute, right?" I nodded and she continued talking. "Have they said anything about your contract yet?"

"Nah... They usually wait till mid to end season to decide. I think my chances are good if I continue playing the way I am." I looked at her for a reaction. I thought I saw disappointment in her eyes, but then the expression was gone. "We're doing alright, though, aren't we?"

"Yeah..." A small smile came over her face. "It's so different from my last long distance relationship." She paused, as if hesitant to tell me something. "Jagiya... Oppa... Jung Gook Oppa asked about you." At the mention of his name, I looked at her. I didn't know what I expected to see, but still I was surprised when she didn't appear to be emotional about it.

"I didn't realize that you two still saw each other," I said.

"He's a part of my life. Not like you are, but he's a part of my life. He's my brother." I narrowed my eyes at her use of the word, and wondered briefly if she's told him about me. As if she read my mind, she said, "He knows we're together. He has a new girlfriend now, too."

Though she said the words, I still find it so unbelievable that only three years ago, they were supposed to marry and now they're back to being siblings. Unable to control the direction of my thoughts, I questioned in my head whether Jung Gook was hanging around to wait for me to mess up. Blissfully unaware of what I was thinking, Na Jeong kept speaking.

"He's almost done with his residency and will be a full-fledged doctor soon."

"Is that right?' I asked. I couldn't help the wave of insecurity that washed over me. Na Jeong could have been a doctor's wife. Had my mother had her way, I would have been a doctor too. I looked at my hands, callused from playing baseball for so many years, and wondered if she preferred softer hands.

"What's wrong?" She asked, looking at me closely. I was still trying to figure out what to say when she repeated herself. "Joon-ah, what's wrong?"

"I don't know..." I responded. "It's dumb. My hands are too rough." I looked up at her and saw her shaking her head at me.

"Come here," she said. She motioned for me to come closer and when I did, she turned me around so I was leaning back on her. She flung her arms over my shoulder as she had me relax against her. She took my hands in both of hers and touched them gently. "I love your hands," she whispered in my ear and I closed my eyes. "They're a little rough around the edges, not perfectly smooth, but they're beautiful hands. They have character. They have history. They're strong and steady... Just like you. Yours are the hands that I want to hold when I'm happy, or when I'm sad. Your hands are the ones that I want to hold through all my life. I would change nothing about them, or about you."

My heart squeezed in my chest at her words. I don't really know what I did to deserve such faith, but I'll take it. We stayed silent in the bath together for an hour. The silence was comfortable and comforting. It felt natural, and made me feel as if we weren't going to part again in a few days... Like we had all the time in our hands to just enjoy each other. The water now tepid, I was about to ask Na Jeong if she was ready to get out when I heard a soft snore by my ear. I looked at her and saw that she's fallen asleep with her neck drifting back and forth. I put a hand behind her neck to support it as I tried to shake her awake. She opened one eye and gave me a lopsided smile when she saw it was me.

"Joon-ah... Not a dream right?" She asked, her voice sleepy.

"Nope, not a dream."

I got out of the tub and went to get towels from the cupboard. I placed her arms around my neck and lifted her off the tub. Setting her feet down carefully on the marbled floor, I asked her to stay awake long enough so I can dry her off. I took the towel and patted her dry before wrapping her in it and carrying her to bed. Once she was tucked in, I went back to the bathroom and dried myself off before draining the tub. I went back to the bedroom and set my alarm for 7 a.m. Then I realized that I can sleep a little later because she's here with me now. Resetting the clock for 8 a.m., I was about to turn the lamp off when I looked at her face. She looked at peace, and I couldn't help but brush my fingers on her cheeks.

"Joon-ah," she whispered, and I smiled. I laid down on the bed and her arms automatically went around my waist, her head landing on my chest. I took off the rubber band that held her hair up, knowing that she'll end up with a headache in the morning if she forgot to, and closed my eyes. I can't remember ever falling asleep so quickly.

## May 25, 2001

## 8:30 a.m.

## Na Jeong

When I woke up, Joon was already out of bed. I felt his side of the bed, still warm, and figured that he had gotten up not too long before and was tempted to go back to sleep when I heard conversation in the living room.

Rising slowly from the bed, I looked at the view outside the windows appreciatively. The bedroom had the same floor to ceiling windows as the living room. The living room... I was reminded of what Joon and I had done against those particular set of windows, and I felt my face flush. I walked carefully around the room and smiled looking at all my roses. Their sweet smell permeated the air and just smelling them reminded me of Joon in bed with that rose. I need to stop thinking about this... We have company. Shit... All my clothes are in the living room. I was about to open Joon's closet to find something suitable to wear when I saw that he had already placed my jeans and a T-shirt on the side of the bed. I put my clothes on quickly and walked out to the kitchen, where Joon was sitting with his manager.

Joon turned to me as soon as I was within sight, as if he knew the exact moment I woke up. Our eyes met and he smiled at me. I felt a wide smile come on to my face and walked slowly towards him. He stayed sitting, and I pressed a kiss on the top of his head.

"Good morning," I said.

"Morning jagiya," he said, his face blushing. "Did you sleep well?"

I nodded my head in response and turned to Jung Jin Oppa. "Jin-ie Oppa, you're here early." Waiting for his response, I went to the pot of coffee already brewed and helped myself to a cup. I was looking in the fridge for some milk when I heard Joon's voice.

"What... What did you just call him?" he asked.

"Jin-ie Oppa," I responded. Joon's eyes narrowed at his manager then at me. "Joon-ah... He's older than me and he's practically family. What else was I supposed to call him?"

"AHJUSSI!!!!" Joon yelled and my mouth opened in surprise. Jung Jin Oppa looked like he was about to start laughing. I blinked at Joon and wondered what the hell got under his skin.

"But Joon-ah, he's your Hyung. I should call him Oppa," I said gently.

"Then call me Oppa too." He crossed his arms over his chest.

## Chilbong

"Jin-ie Oppa," I heard Na Jeong answer as she was looking for something in the fridge. She turned around with the milk in her hands and she put it down on the counter. "Joon-ah... He's older than me, and he's practically family. What else was I supposed to call him?"

"AHJUSSI!!!!" Unable to control my temper, my answer came out a little more loudly than I intended. I glared at Hyung, who only looked at me with amused detachment.

"But Joon-ah, he's your Hyung. I should call him Oppa," Na Jeong said softly. I know she's trying to diffuse the situation, but it's not working. All I can hear is her sweet voice saying 'Jin-ie Oppa' and my gaze darkened. I found myself looking at my manager and examining him. Is he better than me? He IS handsome, I had to give him that. And he's a good dresser too... He helps me pick out my suits. What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I looking at him qualitatively now? Na Jeong can't call him Oppa.

I crossed my arms over my chest. I felt like a child, but it couldn't be helped. "Then call me Oppa too."

Na Jeong opened her mouth in shock. "We're the same age!"

"I'm older by a few months," I declared. "Try it... You might like it. Jae Joon Oppa or Joon-ie Oppa." She started laughing at me in disbelief and I only got more annoyed. "Why would you want to call him Oppa anyway?" I asked, pointing at my manager. "He talks with his mouth full... And he forgot his Omma's birthday!" Hyung shook his head at me and looked like he was trying to hold back a laugh. "You did!" I said to him. "Are you going to deny it?"

"Yah, Joon-ah... Why are you using that against me? I don't even know what the point of this argument is. I told her to call me Oppa... Because it's polite." He blinked at me innocently, and I got the feeling that he knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as I heard Na Jeong call him that.

Speaking of Na Jeong, she had finished fixing her coffee and was now sitting at the table with us. She was still frowning at me over her cup of coffee.

"Joon-ah... Why are you being so rude? Don't talk to Jin-ie Oppa like that!"

Hearing her defending him, I stood up. "He has a belly!" I know I'm being petty now, but I don't care. Hyung looked like he was about to say something so I added, "You do! I've seen you with your shirt off!"

"Is that right?" He asked, mocking me. He shrugged out of his jacket and had his fingers on his shirt and said, "Should I take my shirt off then? So Na Jeong can compare?"

"HYUNG, NOOOOO!!!"

His shoulders started shaking as he started laughing, revealing a row of perfect straight teeth. He can't be smiling like that... That's usually when women start flirting with him. I looked over to Na Jeong, who raised her head from the magazine she was reading to look at me.

"Yah, Kim Jae Joon... Are you done now?" She asked, shaking her head at me. I saw her watch Hyung as he put his jacket back on with a neutral look on her face.

"Joon-ah... I'll see you at the game," he said, picking up his sunglasses from the table. He turned to Na Jeong and smiled at her, "Na Jeong-ah... Have a good day." He confidently made his way out of the apartment and closed the door quietly. As soon as the door was shut, I sat back down at the table.

Na Jeong continued to watch me silently. "Joon-ah..." She said. "Are you... Jealous?"

"No... Maybe," I admitted. "Am I not allowed?"

"You can be whatever you want, jagiya," she responded. "What time is your game and all your post game stuff done?"

"Ahh, I only have the game today. Huddle won't be for a few more days. I should be back by 3:30 p.m. at the latest."

"Should we go out when you get home?" She asked, and pulled out her copy of the travel book. "I did my homework." I nodded at her and she smiled. "Jagiya... When are you leaving for the game?"

I looked at my watch before responding. "I have to leave in 45 minutes." She stood up and walked towards me.

"Do you know how sexy you look when you're jealous?" She asked, lifting my shirt up and I took it off over my head. "We have 45 minutes... Does sex before a game hurt you?"

I coughed and then cleared my throat. "Nope... In fact, studies have shown that sex before a game actually helps clear the mind and relax the body." I swallowed as she traced her fingers down my chest.

"Well... I AM a supportive girlfriend. So I should do my bit." She pressed her lips on my stomach and I lifted her as she giggled.

"You're right," I whispered. I lifted her over my shoulder as she shrieked and laughed and went to the bedroom, where we definitely used the 45 minutes to get me sufficiently ready for the game.

## May 29, 2001

## 8:00 a.m.

## Na Jeong

I can't believe that I have to leave today. I folded my clothes, just a few minutes ago in Joon's drawers, back into my suitcase. I don't want him to see me packing, so I'm doing it while he's out on his run. He doesn't admit to it, but I know he's stressed about me going back home. All the time we were apart, I thought he was over here living it up, but now that I've been here with him, I've realized that it must be lonely here for him. I would know... Having lived in Australia those two years without my friends and family, it was difficult for me, too. Joon doesn't show it, but I know it has to be hard.

I opened the bag that held the souvenirs for the gang and started wrapping them up in clothes to make sure the fragile ones don't break. I counted them to make sure that everyone's was there. Once that was verified, I sat back and laughed at how Joon reacted when I was insistent on buying a present for my friend Soo Hyun. Who knew Joon was so jealous? Even of a girl friend? If I wasn't so jealous myself I would be mad. Alas, both of us are at least equally ridiculous.

I looked over all the pictures we took while I was here. We had gone on a ferry to see Alcatraz when he came home the afternoon on the 25th after his game. It had been a beautiful day, though Joon wondered why I wanted to visit a prison. The book said it offered a fantastic view of San Francisco and it was right. Afterwards we went to eat dinner at McDonald's. We didn't have anything to cook and I really wanted a burger.

We got up early the next day to go to see a restored carousel then went to a farmer's market. We bought vegetables so I can cook dinner that night while Joon played at his game. I insisted on coming but he said it will just distract him so I just 'helped' to get him ready. I swear, if his body could be more 'relaxed', he could probably pass for a limp noodle. He came home about 1 a.m. and we ate a late dinner and went straight to bed.

He woke me up the next morning singing happy birthday. He served me seaweed soup, claimed he learned to make it years ago. We went to a couple of museums not far from the apartment and he took me on a private tour of San Francisco on one of the trolley cars. We held hands and enjoyed the city together. We went to a food fair of sorts afterwards not far from the apartment and ate from about twelve food trucks. I would have eaten from more but I was already full or I would have sampled them all. Every cuisine from every part of the world was there and it amazed me how different all the flavours were. America really was such a diverse place. I asked Joon what his favourite was and he still said my radish kimchi. He knows just the right words to make me happy.

Yesterday he finally had a day off and we took a two hour drive in a chauffeured car to Napa Valley. We took some tours of the vineyards and I felt like I was in a different country altogether... Separate from America. The day was lovely... Warm and just slightly breezy. We held hands the whole time and were given privacy by all the vineyard staff and visitors. We ate dinner at Bistro Don Giovanni and filled our bellies full of carpaccio and a salad of beets and haricot verts. He had steak frites and I had saltimbocca. To be honest, I felt like we were on our honeymoon. Despite his protests I got to drink as much as I wanted. I don't know why he complains anyway. The only person I winked at and bit was him. He didn't mind it so much when I was biting him in the car. He was doing his own share of biting, to be fair.

He always makes fun of me for wanting to do the simplest things. Dating someone like him was new for me too. I respect that he's a public figure, but to me, he was always just Joon. The man I love. He took so much care in planning everything and I love him for that... But he really cracks me up when things don't go to plan and he's left scrambling and stewing about it. How can I tell him that I would have gone anywhere with him? Does he not realize how much I loved us just being a regular couple? I want to have a semblance of normalcy in our lives. Even if we both have to wear baseball caps wherever we go. We made love every morning and every night. Sometimes teasing, sometimes playful... Until we remember that we will be separating again soon, and then it becomes poignant and tender. Joon knew how to touch me in a way that I felt... Cherished. His fingers wandered over me like I was something delicate, someone fragile. The tenderness in his touch puts tears to my eyes.

It's been an amazing trip, and I was loathed to leave. I know I have to go back... My life is in Korea, but I wish my life with Joon and my life in Korea would finally meld. I feel like I'm starting from scratch every time we reunite. It's not a bad thing, but it is unsettling.

I quickly placed the last of my stuff in my suitcase when I heard him open the door. Walking out to greet him, I was surprised when he walked right past me and straight to the bedroom. I followed him, trying to figure out if anything was wrong, but when I got to the bedroom, he was just closing a drawer.

"Joon-ah... Are you okay?" He nodded and smiled. "How was your run?"

"It was good," he replied. "Really good."

I saw his eyes dart to my suitcase in the corner and his jaw clenched. My heart thumped painfully inside me and I struggled to find the words to say. Silent, he walked over to me and took me in his arms. I felt his heartbeat, strong and sure, and rested my head on his chest.

"You ready to go back?" He asked, his voice thick with some unnamed emotion.

"No... But I have to." I buried my face closer to his chest, inhaling the scent of him. He smelled of happiness, if happiness had a smell. I wanted to fold him up and take him with me if I could.

"Hyung has to take you to the airport, since I have to leave in half an hour," he said. He walked to his closet and retrieved a small box. Sitting me down on the bed, he crouched on the floor and gave it to me.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Your birthday gift," he said. "Don't open it until you get home. I'll be embarrassed." He put his fingers on my hair, and I wrapped my arms around his neck after setting it down next to me. He pressed his forehead to mine and spoke. "Four and a half months, jagiya... We just have to make it through that time. Then we can figure out what we'll do from there." He sat down next to me on the bed and held my hand. "I'm proud of you, Sung Na Jeong-ssi, for taking this on."

"I love you." Tears burned my eyes, and I fought to rein them in. Keeping our fingers interlocked, I looked into his eyes.

"I love you."

"I don't want to leave you..."

"You're not leaving me... You're leaving San Francisco. There's a difference. I am only as far as your heart will allow me to be. You know that now, right?" I turned and looked at him, his expression resolute. I traced my fingers over his face and he met my gaze. He gave me a grin, then said, "You want to make out for half an hour?"

I laughed and nodded. We laid down in bed, our bodies touching, facing each other, both fully clothed. I looped my legs with his and looked at his face as he looked at me. I ran my fingers through his hair and then smoothed his brows. I felt his hand on my face, doing the same thing, then down to my neck. I felt overcome with love and I closed my eyes. When I felt his lips touch mine, I looked at him, still looking at me. Our hands intertwined, I kept my eyes open the whole time... To drink the sight of him in, and to show him myself, to show him my heart. He kept his eyes on me also, his gaze never wavering.

We kissed and talked, our tones quiet, for the rest of the time we had. When he left the apartment, I sat on the living room couch and looked at the sight he sees every day. I left him notes everywhere, reminding him to eat, reminding him to rest, reminding him to take care. I closed my eyes and sent all my good wishes his way. It's all I can do at this moment in time, and I hope it's enough.

Walking through the airport an hour later on my own, I realized some things. Goodbyes are always hard, and that there was just no way to prepare for it. Even if you think you're ready, you never really are. You can get yourself ready, and brace yourself for it, but the moment of separation will never stop hurting. But then love is also a bit that way. You can never prepare yourself so much that the sensation of falling becomes not so scary. But I do it and Joon does it, because our future is just around the corner. Willing us closer, cheering us on. If we can just make it through this, we can make it through anything.

## May 29, 2001

## 8:00 p.m.

## Chilbong

I spent an extra two hours at the gym after the game running. Still not wanting to go back to an empty apartment, I drove around for another hour to kill some time. Na Jeong won't be waiting for me when I get home. There will be no smell of food cooking, no sound from the television. I won't see her with her feet curled up under her as she spoke on the phone, or see her brows drawn as she read a magazine. The place will be empty, just like how I feel. When I finally gathered up the courage to go back, it was already dark and I was exhausted.

I walked into my apartment building slowly and was surprised when John approached me.

"Mr. Kim!" He greeted. "You're home. Welcome back."

"Hi John, yeah, I'm back," I responded. "How many times do I have to tell you to call me JJ?" I forced a smile on my face.

"Ahh, you must be tired... I hope you have a good rest. Good night." I nodded and was walking towards the elevator when his voice speak again. "Mr. K... JJ, please thank Ms. Sung for me... I came into work today and I was given this by the day doorman." I watched as he took a small package from his pocket. "She gave me a pair of little socks for my granddaughter, along with a note congratulating us. My wife's gonna love it." I nodded and gave him a small smile. "She also thanked me for watching out for you and asked that I continue to do so." When I didn't say anything, he gave me a knowing look. I bid him good night quietly and went into the elevator.

When I reached my floor, I walked to my door with heavy steps. I went into my apartment and heard the sound of the television playing. I don't remember keeping it on. Walking towards it, I saw a note posted on it.

I used to keep the television on when I was in Australia... So that it didn't feel like I was going home to an empty place. It helps.

Shaking my head, I looked around the apartment and saw that she's placed all the roses that were in the bedroom all over the rooms. I went to the kitchen to grab a beer when I saw the note she left on the fridge.

There's a plate in the microwave and food in the fridge for you. There's plenty of rice for breakfast. Make sure you eat well and keep your strength up! I plan on living a long long life with you. P.S. Drink water after your game, not beer.

I opened the fridge door and saw that it's full of readymade food, all labelled neatly and organized as to which side dishes go with what. Instead of reaching for a beer, I grabbed a water bottle instead. Realizing that I had forgotten to take my shoes off when I came in, I went back to the entryway and had my hand on the entry table to see another note peeking under the bowl where I leave my keys.

Jagiya, welcome home!

A small smile came over my face. I walked back to the kitchen and heated up the food that she'd already plated and placed in the microwave. I ate on the couch, the smell of roses in the air, and enjoyed the food that my Na Jeong made for me. Afterwards I walked to the bathroom to see another note taped to the mirror.

One day, we'll have a bathroom like this right? I really love taking baths with you. And the shower... You know I love showers just as much as you do.

I took a quick shower and went to bed. I laid on my side of the bed for a long time, staring at her side of the bed, the pillow still in the shape of her head. I imagined her face like it was this morning, looking at me, her eyes shining with tears that she won't allow to fall. I was about to close my eyes, my heart in my throat, when I spotted another note on the pillow.

This is the hardest part, I know. I do the same. Not long now. Good night, Joon-ah. I love you.

The tears fell as I clutched the note in my fist, I laid my head on her pillow and racking sobs came over me when I smelled her scent, still so fresh on it. The mask I've worn all day melted off and all I was left was the overwhelming feeling of her absence.

## Pacific Bell Park

## San Francisco, California

## July 20, 2001

## Chilbong

It was the beginning of the tenth inning. My team was leading 1-0 and I only needed to make it through one more round of pitching then I can be done. I'm not scheduled to pitch for a couple of days so I have time to relax my shoulder. The schedule in the Major Leagues was tough and relentless. We're all either training or traveling or playing all the time. Sometimes I think it's a miracle that a lot of baseball players are married. But in some ways it also makes sense. Home becomes more important when you never feel like you have one. The roar of the crowd was deafening and I had to concentrate. I closed my eyes and forced the world to quiet down. I thought of Na Jeong, her lips pressed against mine.

My shoulder has been feeling stiffer lately. Rotating it a few times before my actual throw, I thought it felt no more sore and stiff that it usually does. I went into my throwing position, my leg lifted towards my chest to maximize my velocity and speed. The batter ready, I released the ball in my hand. It landed in my catcher's mitt. Two more throws. Almost done. Finish this, Kim Jae Joon.

It was on my second throw that I felt it. A sharp pain radiating from the ball of my shoulder down my arm. I kept my expression neutral even as I felt the pain persisting. Second batter. Do it. Keep your eye on the mitt waiting to receive the ball. The bat standing in between you and that mitt doesn't matter. The batter is inconsequential. Nodding my head once, I threw the second pitch. Strike. One more. Just one more. You can do this.

My shoulder protested even the preparation of my throw. Forcing my eyes to stay focused, I finally threw the last ball, holding my breath until my catcher caught it. This game is over. Finally.

My teammates crowded around me as we all congratulated one another. I managed to make it through our handshakes with our opposing team. I know some of those guys now, and though in this arena we were competitors, we all respected one another and the lifestyle we lead. I pasted a smile on my face and then searched for Hyung's face in the crowd. When his eyes met mine, his narrowed in concern.

While my teammates continued celebrating our win on the field with our fans, as we usually did, I made my way to the locker rooms on my own. Clutching my shoulder, I walked quickly, needing to figure out what's going on. I've had aches and pains over the last few months but nothing so significant. The team trainer suggested non-steroidal anti-inflammatory pills and injections and they've been doing the job. But this, I thought as I sat down on the bench, this is different.

Something's wrong. My shoulder feels dead. It felt like if I let go, my arm will fall off. I gritted my teeth as the pain worsened, bringing tears to my eyes. I vaguely realized that the doors opened and that Hyung is now crouched down in front of me. My vision blurred from the pain as I struggled to focus on what he was saying.

"Joon-ah, are you okay?"

"Hyung... My shoulder. Something's wrong... Something's wrong." I felt tears fall from my eyes unconsciously.

"We'll figure it out." He was calm but I saw the worry in his eyes. "Let's get you to the doctor's office. It'll be okay. "

I felt him help me up even as I held back a scream. My knees felt weak, and the world was spinning.

"Joon-ah, hold on just a little bit longer. We're almost there."

I tried to focus on his voice. Calm and soothing, it should have comforted me. But it was a deathly calm and even in pain I was uneasy. Na Jeong's face flashed in front of me and that stilled the panic inside me for a few brief moments. Until the pain sharpened even more and I bit my lip to keep from crying out loud.

And then the world turned black.

## UCSF Medical Center

## San Francisco, USA

## July 21, 2011

## Chilbong

When I opened my eyes, Hyung was standing by the window speaking quietly on the phone. As if he felt me watching him, he quietly said, "He's awake. I have to go. Yeah I'll call you later." He walked over to my bed and sat down.

"Joon-ah, how are you feeling?"

"I feel a little loopy and I'm nauseous." My mind felt spaced out, and I can't remember a lot. Instinctively my hands went to my neck and I breathed a sigh of relief to feel the chain still on my neck, Na Jeong's ring still on it. "What happened?"

"You blacked out and they gave you Morphine." He was speaking to me but wasn't meeting my eyes.

"What's going on with my shoulder?" I asked. When he didn't respond right away, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and had to keep my voice calm as I repeated myself. "What's going on with my shoulder?"

"Joon-ah... Maybe I should have the doctor explain it to you," Hyung said. He pressed the nurse call light button and stayed silent. I continued to watch his face as he avoided my eyes.

A pretty nurse walked into my room with a warm smile. "Your call light was on. Did you need some help?"

Hyung flashed her his megawatt smile and answered smoothly in English. "He's awake. Is it possible to speak to his physician? "

"I'll page him and let him know," she replied before turning to me. "Are you in pain?" I shook my head no. "Are you nauseous?" I nodded my head. "Are you hungry or thirsty?" Again I shook my head yes. "Let me go page him. I'll come back with some medication for the nausea and some crackers and soup. You have nothing in your belly and you probably shouldn't eat too fast." She grabbed the water pitcher from my side table before making her way out of my room.

Hyung and I waited in silence, not really knowing what to say. He looked like he was deep in thought and I didn't know what to think. After a few minutes, my nurse came back with a medication cart. She put my pitcher down on my bed side table along with crackers and a bowl of soup. Then she drew up some medication into a syringe and approached me.

"I'm giving you some Zofran for your nausea. It should help within a few minutes. I'd wait until then to start eating... You're still getting fluids through the vein so hopefully you won't be dehydrated." She gently took the plastic line that connected me to a machine with a bag of what looked like water and pushed the contents of the syringe into the port closest to me. When she was done, she straightened her back and was getting ready to leave when I spoke, my voice hoarse.

"Thank you," I said in English.

"You're welcome," she responded, a smile on her face. "The doctor is outside... He's just reviewing your chart and the radiology reports, and he'll be right in." She addressed both me and Hyung, who was staring at her. She gave him a curious look before she turned her attention back to me. "Please call if you need anything. It's the red button on that thing right there," she said, pointing to a remote control looking thing on the bed. She left the room and Hyung was still looking at her. I shook my head and leaned back on the bed and waited.

It felt like the longest five minutes of my life. When the door finally opened, I looked up to see a doctor that didn't look like a doctor approach me. He's American, with warm blue eyes and a football player's build. I looked at Hyung, and wondered if he was a student. He looked too young to be a doctor.

"Mr. Kim... We haven't met yet. My name is Dr. Marc Stevens, I'm head of Orthopaedic Surgery in this hospital," he said, offering his hand to me.

I shook his hand then pointed to Hyung. "This is Mr. Jung Jin Lee. He's my manager." He shook hyung's hand and then pulled a chair next to my bed.

"How's your shoulder feeling?" He asked.

"I was told I was given medication so it feels okay right now... When can I go back to the field? My team is away now and I have to pitch in the next two games."

"I'm afraid that's not possible, Mr. Kim. You have a pretty significant superior labrum anterior and posterior tear. Let me show you what I'm talking about so you understand." He brought out a picture of shoulder anatomy. "The head of your upper arm bone fits into a rounded socket in your shoulder blade. This socket is called the glenoid," he said, pointing to a round looking object in the picture. "Surrounding the outside edge of the glenoid is a rim of fibrous tissue called the labrum. It deepens the socket and stabilizes the shoulder joint. It also attaches many of the ligaments of the shoulder, as well as one of the tendons from the biceps muscle in your arm. Are you two still with me?" I nodded as Hyung did as well. "The tear that you have is on the labrum. On the top part," he said pointing at the picture, "both in the front and back."

"What does that mean for me?"

"This tear is usually not serious enough to require surgery, but you also have a rotator cuff tear. Basically you have a tear in both the socket that's holding your arm to your shoulder and the muscles that stabilize your arm and shoulder."

"What... What are his options?" Hyung said and I was grateful. I was still trying to process the information that was just given to me.

"You can try non-surgical therapies, but that would mean taking medications and injections regularly and you may not be able to play like you did before," he answered. He paused for a few minutes, as if not wanting to tell me anymore, "The other option is surgery. You can get total repair for both."

"Will the surgery bring his pitching arm back?" Hyung asked.

"The chance of his playing again at his pre-injury level is higher than if he chooses not to have the surgery, but there are no guarantees. It depends on intensive physical therapy and his postoperative period. Surgery also means cutting him open, which means longer recovery time, risk for infection, risks from anaesthesia, etc., and he can also have a re-tear."

"But if I have surgery, I'll be able to play again?" I asked.

"More than likely, yes. But... Not for between 8 months to a year from when surgery is done. Again..."

When I heard the figure, my stomach dropped. Even as he continued to speak, all I could focus on were the numbers he gave me. 8 months to one year? A season is only 7 months. If I don't have the surgery, I'll never be able to play again like I did. If I have the surgery, it will take me at least a year and a half to even get on a professional team again.

"... all I'm saying is that this is a big decision and you should probably take some time thinking about it. You should probably speak to your family or..."

"His family is in Korea," Hyung said as I sat in stunned silence.

"Well, speak to whoever is in your life. With either option, there will be changes and it will affect all of you. So I recommend talking it over with someone before making a choice." Dr. Stevens stood up and shook my hand. "You'll be discharged tomorrow with some oral pain medications. I can provide you with the name of another specialist if you would like a second opinion. And let your nurse know before discharge if you want a copy of your MRI reports... It'll save you some time as opposed to getting them from Medical Records. I'll be going as I have surgery in half an hour. If you have any more questions please have your nurse page me and I'll send one of my residents to speak to you if I'm still in surgery." He walked out of my room.

"Hyung," I said softly. He looked at me with a determined look on his face.

"We'll get a second opinion," he said decisively. "We'll get a second opinion. I'll figure out what the top Orthopaedic hospital is and we'll speak to the surgeon there." I stayed quiet, looking at the untouched crackers and soup. My heart was beating erratically in my chest and I tried to slow it down.

This is the life that athletes choose, I reminded myself. This is a danger when your chosen profession is completely dependent on your body being healthy and intact. I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat and told myself to calm down. We'll get a second opinion. This is not the end.

"You should probably call Na Jeong," Hyung said gently. He was looking at me with his eyebrows narrowed in concern.

"I'll do it when I know more," I said.

"She knows you're in the hospital," he said, and I looked up to glare at him. "What? You're the one who gave her my number, and told her to bother me if she can't get a hold of you. She knows what's going on... But I still think you should tell her yourself."

"I'll do it when I know more," I repeated.

Hyung looked like he was about to say something else when my nurse knocked, then walked back into the room with another bag of water. She gave me a small smile and proceeded to do her job efficiently. Spotting the soup and crackers still, she gave me a look of understanding.

"Hospital food sucks. I know. The crackers are okay, though. It'll help if you eat something. It'll lessen the dizziness you're feeling."

I nodded and attempted to eat something. She finished up what she was doing and left the room. Hyung stood up and made his way out of the door.

"I'll be right back. I have to call the Giants and let them know what's going on. I'll also ask the nurse for your medical records for tomorrow."

Hyung left the room and I stared out the windows. I thought of Na Jeong and felt a twinge in my shoulder and my heart. I know I should call her, but she will worry. I need to gather all the facts before discussing it with her.

We've gone on in the last two months wonderfully. We've stuck to our two phone calls per day and e-mail almost four times a week. I thought for sure we were in the clear. I was certain that after this test I can finally move our relationship forward. Life, however, seemed to have other plans for me.

May 26, 2001

11:30 p.m.

"Good Morning, Mr. Kim." The manager of the store greeted me with a handshake. I smiled and walked into the office.

"Thank you for letting me come in after business hours. I pass here a lot during my runs, but I've never been here. It's a beautiful store," I said.

"Thank you... We take pride in that. Mr. Lee called yesterday and said you had something specific in mind."

"Yes... Uhmm, yes. I am looking for an engagement ring," I said hesitantly. "I'm thinking of proposing to my girlfriend."

"Did you have a setting in mind?"

"Not really," I responded then cleared my throat. I am so nervous. "I'm not really good at picking out jewellery."

"And your budget?"

"That is no issue."

"Can you tell me about your girlfriend?" the manager asked, his eyes kind. "You're not the first man to come here not really knowing what they want. If you describe her to me I might be able to give you some recommendations."

"She's beautiful, but very unique. She's not really very flashy. She's funny and kind. She's the best woman I know," I answered, feeling a lump form in my throat, I pulled out my phone and showed him a picture.

He nodded at me and pulled out a book. He flipped to a page and described it to me. "This is design is called The Legacy. It's modern enough for a woman nowadays, but different enough that it won't look like everyone else's. I think this would be perfect for her elegant hands. Have you thought about carat weight?"

"Probably nothing too big. She works with computers. But... Is there a way that some stones can be added on either side of the main stone?"

"Yes, Mr. Kim... We can certainly do that," he said, nodding. "We will stick to a 1.5 carat, colour F, cushion set diamond. The modification you requested will take three days to complete, so... Would you happen to have her ring size?"

" Ahh, no... This was kind of an unexpected thing, but we can always get it resized, right?" When he nodded, I added, "That's fine. I'll come back and pick it up then." We walked over to the counter where I paid the bill and he handed me a business card with a date.

"Here's your appointment card, Mr. Kim. I have you down to pick up the ring on May 29 at 7:30 a.m. If no one is at the door when you come, just ring the bell as the weekend manager will be here."

"Thank you for your help," I said and shook his hand.

"Thank you for coming to Tiffany and Co, Mr. Kim. We really appreciate your business."

I already picked up her ring before she even left but got so nervous going home that as soon as I saw her moving around in the apartment, I ran straight to the bedroom to hide the ring away. Maybe it's a good thing that I didn't ask. Because I know she would accept, and this problem that I have now will be hers as well.

I will call her when I know more.

## The Hotel Lucerne

## New York City, USA

## July 24, 2001

## 6:00 a.m.

## Chilbong

I held my breath as I called Na Jeong. I'm not even sure if she has returned back from work yet. Since my injury, our phone calls have not been as regular... Instead of speaking twice a day, we speak every other day. The pain medications I have been prescribed makes me groggy all the time, and I can't seem to keep straight what time of the day it is.

One night I woke up, and must have thought I was in Korea or something... I wasn't sure because all my blinds were drawn in the apartment and I called her at 10:30 a.m... Not realizing that it was only 2:30 a.m. where she was. To her credit, she sounded up, her voice cheerful and happy to speak to me. As she always does. When I told her I can't call as often as I used to, she said okay. When I told her I can't e-mail as much as I used to, she also said okay. Whereas I used to get her freaking out or getting angry, since I have been injured she's been more understanding and more sympathetic.

She answered after the first ring. Her voice was breathless, as if she rushed to take my call.

"Jagiya, how are you?" She asked. "I was just thinking about you. How come you're calling so early?"

"Na Jeong-ah, I'm... Okay." I answered. "Hyung and I have to see the specialist in two hours. I'm in New York City."

"How was your flight there? Did your shoulder hurt a lot?" She asked, concerned. She didn't say it out loud, but I can feel her worries permeating through the phone line and I felt choked, suffocated by it.

"Yeah, I'm fine, like I said."

"Did you and Jin-ie Oppa speak to the management team... About your contract?" She asked gently, as if I was a fragile piece of glass.

"WE didn't have to speak to them. They spoke to us." I said, choking on my voice. "The Coach said that they have to wait for a second opinion to decide what they will do," my voice broke and I took a deep breath. "Na Jeong-ah, those were the words on the paper they faxed Hyung. I can do nothing but get a second opinion, so that is what I'm doing."

"Joon-ah... You should have let me come back," she said.

"Why? This second opinion could be totally different and then you would have wasted your money for nothing. Let us handle this. I'll let you know what they say." She didn't say anything else, and before she could, I haltingly said, "I have to go now Na Jeong-ah. I have to take a shower."

"Okay," she said. My new hated word. "I love you."

"I love you too. I'll call later."

I hung up the call before she could mention anything else. Na Jeong liked definite. She offered to come back to America to be here at my consultations with me, but I know how she is. She'll ask a lot of questions, and I'm not even sure if I have any answers to any of them. I know as much as she does.

I took a shower and quickly got dressed. I was already waiting for Hyung at the lobby when he came down. We took a cab to the Hospital for Special Surgery and was quickly ushered through to a private waiting room. I looked around me and realized that it is in this small beige hospital room that my fate could be decided. I took a few slow breaths to calm myself down, and told my heart to be prepared for whatever news I receive.

## July 26, 2001

## 9:30 a.m.

## Chilbong

"Joon-ah," I heard Hyung's voice waking me up. "We're about half an hour from landing."

"Okay."

"You've been asleep for most of the flight. Are the painkillers still making you sleepy?" When I nodded, he looked at me closely. "Maybe you should stop taking them."

"Hyung, what's my alternative? If I don't take them I wouldn't be able to do anything. I wouldn't even be able to dress myself. Tell it to me straight. It's over, right? My baseball career?" I took a swallow from my water bottle and kept my head down.

"Joon-ah... The Giants will not be renewing your contract. They said you have been an asset but an unstable investment right now. The second opinion confirmed that those are our options. "

"I figured as much."

"You know even if this was the end of your life with baseball, it's not the end of your life. You can do other things. You can be other things."

"What?" I asked. "My whole life has been spent preparing for baseball and baseball alone. I didn't even have any favourite subjects at school. I thought my path was set. I was going to play baseball for the rest of my life. That was the plan. And now... I see it disappearing every day."

"When we get to Korea, you'll have Na Jeong and it might change your perspective. It'll get a little easier with her by your side," he reassured me.

"Na Jeong isn't my wife. She's not legally obligated to do anything."

"You'll be surprised what people are capable of doing for the ones they love," he said.

"It's not fair for me to ask anything of her. She has a life of her own."

"I don't really see how you can make that choice for her. If she wants to help you, then let her."

"Until when? Until she gets tired of it? Until whatever she feels for me turns to resentment? Until she looks at her life, then at me and starts hating it and me?" I looked at him for an answer and he couldn't give me one. "People don't stick around when things get tough. They're weak like that. I've accepted that."

"Joon-ah..." Hyung said.

"It's the story of my life, " I interrupted.

I looked out of the windows, lost in my thoughts. I'm not bitter but I know who I am. I grew up knowing how to make my own food... Learning to make ramyun from the packet, from the convenience store, from wherever. I learned to make my own rice and wash and fold my own laundry. I learned to set my clothes for school by myself and to not depend on anyone else to take me there. I tried to make myself as small as possible. To make my presence easier. To make myself unnoticeable. I learned to cry behind closed doors and to carry the pain on my little shoulders on my own. Because no one will comfort me. Because even if I had asked, no one would have comforted me.

Some children grow up knowing they were wanted and loved. Every single day of their lives. I wasn't one of them. In the absence of my parents, in the absence of family, I turned to baseball. It was the only place where my existence had any meaning. Other people grow up having the freedom to choose to be anything they want, safe in the knowledge that whatever they choose they will still be accepted. Not me. Baseball chose me. When my parents rejected me, baseball chose me. And just like a nightmare, I was losing it.

Will I be losing Na Jeong too? Once I have nothing to my name and my future, will I lose her next? Will it happen quickly, like a hurricane that just passes through, destroying everything in its wake, but still leaving pieces of the past that you can identify? Or will it happen slowly, like a dying fire, leaving only ashes behind? I closed my eyes at the possibility and tried to tamp down on the panic inside my chest.

The plane landed and I was back on Korean soil. Hyung ushered me out of the airport quietly. For the first time in years, there were no reporters greeting me, no pictures being taken, no fanfare. It was the first time since I became a professional that I felt like an unknown. This was no hero's welcome.

I put my cap lower on my face and kept walking until I saw a familiar face, frantically searching the crowds. Her face was worried, concern and love etched into her features. She started walking towards me with hesitant steps, then she started running. I dropped my bag on the floor and ran until I felt her arms around me. I breathed her in, and felt the tremble in her body as she clutched me close to her. She clasped my face as if I was someone precious. Someone worthy. Someone loved. Afraid of tears falling, I closed my eyes.

I may lose her one day, and it may be soon, but it's not today. Not today.

# SEVENTH INNING

## July 20, 2001

## Na Jeong

My phone rang as I was taking a shower. Stepping out as quickly as I could, I grabbed a towel and put it around me as I hit the button to answer the call without even looking to see who might be calling. I've been on pins and needles all day. I haven't spoken to Joon in two days, his phone either going unanswered or straight to voicemail.

I scoured the news articles online but found nothing... Only that their team won their game a few days ago. He hasn't pitched in a few days, but that's nothing abnormal. He's mentioned before that they do that when his shoulder starts getting stiff to give him time for physical therapy.

What if he got in an accident? What if something had happened? He only has Jin-ie Oppa there... Who will sign for all his papers?

My heart in my stomach, I gingerly placed the phone to my ear. I heard a male voice speak from the other line.

"Na Jeong-ah," I heard the voice say. "It's Jung Jin Oppa."

"Jin-ie Oppa. Thank God," I answered, breathing a sigh of relief. "I'm sorry I left you some voice mails..."

"Na Jeong-ah... You left me fifteen voicemails," he said. "But it's okay. Joon warned me how persistent you are."

"Is he sick?" I asked. When I didn't hear a response right away, I concluded that it was, indeed, that. "The last time he was like this it only took a couple of days to recover. He's really..."

"Na Jeong-ah, Joon was injured," Jin-ie Oppa interrupted, his voice sombre.

Injured. At the mention of the word, I closed my eyes and leaned my back against the sink. "How bad is it?" I asked, my voice hesitant.

I heard silence for a few beats before I heard a breath released. As if he didn't know whether to tell me but has resigned himself to the fact that he needed to.

"It's bad. He doesn't know it yet. He passed out after the game and hasn't been lucid enough to speak to the surgeon."

"Hold on... Surgeon? What happened to the team doctor?" I questioned, my voice shaky. "Why is he being managed by a surgeon now?" I forced myself to stay calm. Now is not the time for hysterics, I reminded myself.

"He's in the hospital. I had to call the ambulance when he lost consciousness."

"Is he in pain still?" My voice sounded strong even though I was panicking inside. Hospitals and ambulances come with very bad memories. I heard him say a soft no before I continued. "I can grab a flight tomorrow. I'll be there on..."

"You should speak to Joon first, then decide what to do," he advised gently. "You know he doesn't like being crowded." He was silent for a few seconds before he spoke, his voice even lower this time. "He's awake. I have to go."

"Jin-ie Oppa, call me later... Or have him call me later. Please."

"Yeah. Okay. I'll call you later." I heard the line end and knew he had hung up the phone.

I stayed in the bathroom, my fingers lingering over my ring listlessly. I wondered how Joon was doing, what he was thinking. I wish I could just hear his voice and talk to him. I wish that I could hold him close and reassure him it will be okay. But we don't have any answers yet... We have to wait. Like our lives have been the last few months, we have to wait.

## Incheon International Airport

## July 26, 2001

## 10:30 a.m.

## Na Jeong

I exited the cab and walked through the entrance of the airport. Looking up at the board in front of me, I checked to make sure Joon's flight landed half an hour ago as was scheduled. After confirming, I started walking towards the arrival gate in quick steps. I was barely aware of the people passing aware all around me I was so focused on just seeing him with my own eyes, of reassuring myself that he's doing okay.

My heart was nervous, apprehensive. It's only been less than a week since Joon's injury, but everything already felt so different. Words from a long time ago... Words that Joon said, came back to me. I don't know if it's so much that I love baseball or that it loves me. Like a father, it disciplines me, telling me to work harder and strive higher. Like a mother, it took me into its arms and allowed me to grow. Being good at baseball made me into someone acceptable, someone respectable. It gave me a place to belong. I put my hand to my forehead and tried to rub my worry away. Joon has based so much of how he perceives himself on being a baseball player. All of his plans... All of his dreams... They were all contingent on that one part of his life.

He still hasn't told me what the second surgeon said, which in itself is quite telling. I hadn't expected a miracle, having looked up his injury and treatment options online, but I also thought for sure that whatever the outcome had been that he would have let me know. I had been tempted to yell at him about this, but I hadn't been able to get in touch with him. And when we finally spoke right before he left America, he sounded so... Emotionless. His voice had been flat. It was then that I realized that I had to be extremely careful and watch how I approached him. There's a time for aggression and there's a time for understanding, and never having gone through anything like this with anyone ever, I had to walk a fine line between both. I know myself, and I know how I would react, but I am not Joon.

I frantically searched for the presence of reporters, usually the biggest clue as to where he was. When I didn't find any, I thought I had missed them. I scanned the faces of the crowd coming towards me and my heart stopped when I saw him walking towards the exit, his head down and his cap covering his face. Anger burst inside me when I realized that those same reporters who invaded his life and lauded his abilities when he was on top were not here to welcome him home. My hands fisted around the handle of my bag and I forced myself to take some deep breaths. I was still calming myself down when our eyes met. His eyes looked empty and lost. A lump formed in my throat... This was not how I thought he would be coming home. I started walking towards him slowly, then my feet sped up to their own accord until I was running. I saw as he dropped his bag and started running too, his strides towards me confident and sure. I didn't stop until at last, I held him in my arms.

Wrapping my arms around his waist, I held on adamantly even as I felt him resisting and trying to pull away. As if he realized I wasn't letting go, I felt his body relax and loosen against me. My body trembled and he took a deep breath, as if he's been holding it in and clutched at me so tightly I could feel his heart beating against my chest. He placed a kiss on the top of my head and when I lifted my head to look over his shoulder, Jung Jin Oppa gave me a small smile. I intertwined my fingers with Joon's even as we pulled apart. We walked out of the airport together, Jin-ie Oppa following right behind us.

As we waited for him to bring the car around, I finally allowed myself to take a long look at Joon, his face in profile as he stared out at nothing in particular, his mouth set in a firm line. His gaze appeared unfocused. My heart squeezed inside me at what he may be feeling, at what he won't allow himself to tell me.

I keep telling myself he'll open up. I keep telling myself to give him time. At least... at least he is here. He is home, and I am with him in this. Everything will work out fine.

## July 31, 2001

## 10:00 a.m.

## Chilbong

Na Jeong was sitting next to me on the couch, talking on the phone with Yoon Jin. She had her feet on my lap and I leaned back and tried to ignore the pain in my shoulder. I have been trying to decrease my intake of pain medications. I don't like how they make me feel. I feel out of touch and constantly drugged up. Days are passing by without notice, each blending into the next without my realizing it. I haven't taken any medication today and I already feel better. My shoulder hurts but at least my mind was sharp.

I sat down with a blank sheet of paper in front of me. I need to figure out a plan and investigate the possibilities for my life before I make a decision about surgery. Lists always worked for Na Jeong and I started doing it too. Ignoring the twinge of pain even as I lifted the pen, I began writing down things that I could do instead of baseball.

1. Become a pitching coach - Call Hyung and ask for contact numbers.

2. Open a baseball academy - Go to bank and ask for loan

3. Find a regular job

I looked at my list. Surely one of these will work out for me. Na Jeong finished her call and leaned over my shoulder to see what I was doing.

"What's that?" She asked, popping a grape into my mouth.

"Contingency plans," I responded, chewing. When she sniffled I narrowed my eyes at her. "You okay?"

"Yeah... I'm just getting over a bug. I finish the last of my antibiotics today." She ran her fingers through my hair and looked at me closely. "Does this mean you won't be getting surgery?"

"I don't know yet. The rehab will take a lot of time. I don't have that. I'll lose my momentum and it'll be years until I might get scouted by an international team again." The more I read about surgery, the more concerned I became. The surgery is not fool proof and there's no assurance that I will be able to go back to playing. She nodded and picked up a strawberry to eat.

"I like your list," she commented. "But why so short? The sky's the limit, no?"

"Na Jeong-ah... We'll start with this list and then go from there." Putting her feet down on the floor, I stood up and put the list on the fridge, securing it with a magnet. It wasn't long until I felt her arms hugging me from behind, her head resting on my back.

"It'll be okay. You know that, right?" She whispered.

"Yeah, I know." I turned around and tucked her head onto my chest, cringing as the ache in my shoulder sharpened. She lifted her head and looked at me, her eyes searching, her gaze full of concern. Love flooded me as I looked at her face, her bottom lip caught on her teeth, her worry etched into her features. "I love you."

"I love you more," she said, a grin forming on her pretty mouth. "Have you taken your medication?" She asked, eyes narrowed as she noticed the way I was guarding my right shoulder.

"Not yet... You know I don't like taking it," I said lightly. "I don't feel like myself when I'm on them. I can't think and nothing makes sense."

"But you also don't get to be in pain." She walked over to the drawer and pulled out the bottle of pills. "You don't have to take two," she said, reading the instructions. "You can just take one." She took one pill out of the bottle and went back to where I stood. "If you take this, I'll let you kiss me," she said, eyes smiling.

"I can already kiss you," I responded.

She looked like she was thinking about something. "Hmm, you're right... Fine... If you take this, I'll kiss you," she started, then stood on tiptoes to whisper in my ear. "Anywhere you want me to."

I grabbed the pill from her hand and swallowed it without any water. Her eyes widened then she reached behind me to the fridge door to open it and grab a bottle of juice. She handed it to me after opening it and I took a big gulp. She took my lips in a kiss before the liquid could even dry on my lips. Her mouth teased mine and I felt her lips suck on my tongue before she pulled away.

"Yah... I didn't specify my prize yet," I complained. "That's not fair... Shouldn't..."

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi... That was for me, not you," she replied. "You want to claim your reward, you'll have to catch me first." Na Jeong ran towards the bedroom, laughing.

With my list on the fridge and Na Jeong's laugh echoing in the apartment, it was the first time since I've been injured that I felt good, normal even. Well... As normal as I could feel without my usual daily regimen.

Maybe there can be more to my life beyond baseball. This was the thought in my head as I followed her to the bedroom. By the time I reached the door, Na Jeong was already sitting on the side of the bed waiting for me. I walked over to her until I was standing right in front of her. She lifted her hands and played with the hem of my shirt.

"Joon-ah... You're injured," she said, as she stood up. One of her hands lifted my shirt up over my head while I felt the other linger over my abdomen. "You just take it easy... I'll do everything." I closed my eyes as her lips travelled to my injured shoulder, then onto my neck and then down my chest. As her fingers followed the path her lips took, I thought to myself that this injured thing isn't that bad.

Na Jeong is still here and she doesn't treat me any differently than she did before the injury. For the first time since I got injured, I allowed myself to hope that I could be more than just a baseball player. I never thought the day would ever come that I would need to be anything else, but looking at Na Jeong looking at me so lovingly, I never thought I'd become her man either. As long as she and I stayed just as we are now, everything will be fine.

## August 3, 2001

## 4:45 p.m.

## Chilbong

I was debating whether to take a walk or wait for Na Jeong to come over from work when I heard my phone ring. After meandering about for a few days, I had finally made some calls on Friday and left messages to all the professional Korean baseball teams to enquire whether any of them were looking for a pitching coach. No one has called me back yet.

Jung Jin Hyung said that the opportunities were slim, but I still held out hope that they can give me a chance. I know I have no coaching experience, but I've been playing baseball for sixteen years. Surely there's no greater experience on my resume than that.

Pushing the CALL button, I forced myself to sound casual and not over eager before I spoke.

"Hello," I said.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi? This is Sun Dong Yol-ssi, from the KIA Tigers. I received your message this morning. "

"Ah yes," I said. "How are you?"

"Fine... Fine. It's not every day I get a phone call from a Major League Baseball Player though," he said. "How may I help you?"

"I was hoping that you had an opening in your team for a pitching coach or an assistant coach even," I responded evenly, hoping my words didn't come out in a stammer. "I'm ready to learn, and I am willing to start from any level." I hoped he couldn't detect the nervousness in my voice.

"We don't have any openings right now," he said, as my heart dropped. "But I'll keep you in mind. Thank you for calling."

He hung up the phone before I could ask him any questions. I closed my phone and told myself that it's okay. I have seven more teams to hear from. It's only been one day. I've contacted all the professional baseball teams but one, and I am putting a lot of my hope on this.

To keep myself from going insane, I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and decided to take a walk. I shrugged into my sweatshirt and zipped myself up, putting my hood up over my head. Jung Jin Hyung has done an exemplary job deflecting questions so far, but he won't be able to before long. The whole country will know of my injury soon enough. Right now, I don't want to be recognized. I don't want any questions. I just want to clear my head.

Ignoring the pain throbbing on my right shoulder, I walked out the door as I heard my apartment phone ring. They'll leave a message, I thought. I'm not going to be someone that sits and waits by the phone.

Taking the stairs down, I relished the feeling of moving again. Staying still, not anchored by a routine, a routine I've done for sixteen years, is more unsettling to me than anything else. I am a man who flourishes with a schedule. When I finally stepped out, I saw that the sun was shining brightly and instantly I felt better. The birds were chirping and the cars were moving at a constant pace. I've missed Seoul... its noises and its smell. I felt a kinship with this city... I have since I was young.

Passing by the neighbourhood park, I spotted some children in uniforms playing baseball. Unable to help myself, I walked over to the field and sat down on the bleachers. The baseball field has always been my first home. Always the first. Until Sincheon Boarding House, it was my only home. There was no other place that made me feel like myself. Not knowing when I will step onto the pitcher's mound again, I felt unrooted and displaced. When I saw the pitcher, a boy of about thirteen years old, stand at the pitching rubber, it brought me back to the first time I was allowed to pitch for a game.

I was twelve when I finally started as a pitcher. I can see it in my mind now, how that day was. It was a spring day, the grass was green as I walked to the field. Once I got there I looked around and saw that my teammates were all already there. They barely spared me a glance as I got ready, but I didn't care. I was one of only two twelve year olds in the team and I was a pitcher. That was all that mattered.

I remembered the way they had all looked at me when I first joined two years before. The coach had ushered me into the locker room after seeing me throw in the park. He invited me to practice with the team, said I had potential and I accepted, bolstered by the pleasure of being acknowledged by someone, but not really knowing what he meant. Still, I had nothing to do and I would rather be outside playing than go back to Appa's house. I'm not very good at studying, either, so the choice had been clear.

The other players had looked at me with narrowed eyes, suspicion pouring out of their gazes. I knew what they saw and I could practically hear their minds turning. Little rich boy... I bet your father bought your way into this too... Must be nice to have all that money. Part of me had wanted to disappear into the ground, to hold my hands up and say that I just wanted to be part of something. Whatever it was, just... Something... anything. Yet there had also been another part of me... Defiant and angry, who wanted to be different, who wanted to be special. I befriended the only other ten year old there, and chose to ignore the way the others looked at me.

I trained for two years and pushed my body harder as it grew into itself, long arms and long legs, strong shoulders and back. I trained with the team, and spent every free time I had practicing on my own. Rain or shine, I was on a field... Somewhere. Alone, always alone, but it didn't matter. It took me two years to get to that mound, to even be allowed to pitch first. I've worked hard. I deserved this chance.

I remember the way the sun beat at my back, the dust that blew from the ground underneath my feet. I remember tipping my hat once, then twice, and then three times for luck before powdering my hands and grasping the baseball twice. My catcher, In Sung, motioned for a fastball and I prepared my throw... The way I was taught to, the way I always did even now. The ball had zoomed out of my hand and straight to the catcher's mitt, the bat not even having the chance to make contact. As soon as I heard the umpire say 'Strike', I recognized the thrill of satisfaction, the pleasure in having accomplished a goal for the first time in my life.

I had played the game consistently, my body taking over by instinct, to do what it had been trained to do for two years. I threw for the boy that my Omma left behind. I threw for the boy that my Appa ignored. I threw for the boy whose name came stamped with "divorced parents" and "outcast". At least, that time, even if it was just for a few hours, I changed from that poor rich boy to the boy who pitched well.

When at last the game was won by our team, I was enfolded in a sea of arms and cheers. It was the first time that my team had included me in anything. I savoured the feeling of acceptance for the minutes I was given, and then it was over all too soon. I watched as my teammates dispersed to their loved ones on the bleachers, who were waving banners and cheering for them. I had been so caught up in the game that I didn't even notice that everyone had someone. Except for me. As I packed up my gear and started made my way out of the field, I felt eyes following me and I almost felt myself transform again, back to that pathetic little boy whose parents couldn't even be bothered to show up to practice or a game.

I had walked home slowly, replaying the game in my mind and allowing myself to enjoy the feeling of victory. I walked into Appa's empty house and went to the kitchen without bothering to even change out of my baseball uniform. I looked in the cupboard to see nothing but a bag of rice and some snacks. I dug into the back and saw that there was still one ramyun packet left. Pulling it out, I took some green onions, mushrooms and peppers from the fridge, as well as two eggs. It's been a good day, and I needed to celebrate it some way. I'll claim this too, I thought to myself, smiling. This will become Kim Jae Joon's trademark ramyun.

I had cooked it on the stovetop expertly, the smile never leaving my face. And when it was done, I brought the little pot to the table and ate it straight from the pot, blowing on the noodles to cool it down.

"You did well, Kim Jae Joon... You did well..." I had whispered to myself. Pride and joy had stayed with me as I ate, at least until the thought of my parents besieged me.

I had wondered briefly if this was how it was always going to be, whether my father might actually care one day that I found something I am good at doing, whether he will ever want to share this with me, whether I can make Omma come back once she sees how good I am. Why would they, I had asked myself. I've seen pictures of them before I was born. They looked in love, happy. But no pictures of them together existed since I'd been alive. At least none that I had been allowed to see. I had remembered the fights before they separated, each of them volleying me back, unwilling and undesirous to take accountability and responsibility for the child neither of them wanted but existed anyway. Appa lost by default of the fact that he didn't get to leave first. Once Omma left, Appa worked all the time. He worked hard. Of course he wasn't there. It was okay that hadn't been interested. And Omma... What Omma? She had left me four years before. I haven't seen her since. You're a big boy, Kim Jae Joon, I had myself sternly. You can handle this on your own.

I remember myself getting sad as I ate my ramyun and to cheer myself back up, I had closed my eyes and remembered how it felt to be outside, under the sun, being exalted for my talent. I wanted to have that feeling for the rest of my life. Everyone else can have their families. I will be happy with baseball.

I may have only been twelve, but I understood even then that baseball gave me my chance. For emancipation. For redemption. Baseball will be my way out. I will never need validation from my parents or anyone again. I honestly thought that if I just put all of myself into baseball, that it will pay off. And it did. Whatever God given talent I had been born with, the rest I honed on my own with my ten thousand hours... Actually, more than that now. Ever since I had been ten years old, all my time had been invested in myself and my future with baseball. I thought the rest of my life was going to be dedicated to playing the sport.

A baseball landing by my feet snapped me out of my reverie. I picked it up and allowed my fingers to wrap around it before throwing it back to the boys who were calling out for it. My shoulder defied me and the ball landed ineffectively not even four feet from me. Cruelly jolted back to the reality of my situation, I tried to reassure myself that it will be okay. My life was built on baseball. All the people I have in my life are here because I met them through baseball. I would never have met Na Jeong had I not gone to Yonsei to play ball. Baseball will come through for me... It had to.

I walked out of the field quickly and checked my watch. Realizing that Na Jeong should be coming home now, I briskly made my way back to the apartment. Once I got there, the light from the answering machine blinked at me even as I prepared rice for dinner. I wanted some time to steady my nerves before listening to the message. I carefully measured the rice and water and turned the rice cooker on. I leisurely took a shower and dressed myself slowly. Unable to even lift my arm through the shirt hole, I stayed shirtless, dressed only in sweatpants when I finally sat down with a notebook and pressed the PLAY button on the machine.

I looked at the list on my notebook, and quickly crossed off the third on my list, remembering the phone call earlier. The Kia Tigers are out. There are still seven more... Seven more.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi, this is Kim Si Jin with the Lotte Giants. I got your message, and I'm sorry to say we're not looking for a pitching coach at this time," the message said. "But if you're pitching again, let me know. Thanks."

I stared at the paper in front of me and crossed off another name, even as another message started playing already.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi, this is Lee Man Soo, the manager of the SK Wyverns. Sorry to tell you this, but we don't have any openings right now. Do you want to come meet the team though? Some of them remember you from Yonsei. Let me know."

"Mr. Kim... This is Kim Eung Ryeong from the Hanhwa Eagles. We are looking at your resume, and though we have an opening for a coach, it is for head coach and not pitching. The only experience you have is pitching, so I'm afraid we cannot use you. Thanks for calling."

I crossed off two more teams from the list on my notebook, my ears barely registering the other messages playing. Each message was like a betrayal, as if my baseball family was abandoning me one by one. By the time I got to the last message, six names have been crossed off.

All those same teams wanted me to play baseball for them back when I was on top. Back when I was wanted. By the time I got to the last message, I had drawn so many lines on my notebook that the page had started to tear. I was about to press the PAUSE button when I saw Na Jeong enter the apartment. Smiling, she stood next to me before I could erase the last message.

"Have they started calling, Jagiya?" She asked brightly, putting a palm on my back. I looked at her blankly but didn't respond.

"Who?" I asked, feigning innocence.

"The baseball teams," she replied, nudging me on my side.

"No, not yet," I said, the lie rolling easily off my tongue.

"They'll call," she reassured me. "After all, you're Kim Jae Joon." She pressed a kiss onto my mouth before she turned her attention back to the answering machine. "Look there's a message now," she said, pressing the PLAY button.

"Ahh... Kim Jae Joon-ssi, this is Ryu Joong-Il from the Samsung Lions," he released his breath even as I held mine in. Last chance... I thought. One last chance. "I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but I had just gotten back to the office. Are you available for an interview on the 9th? I'll be making a trip to Seoul that day from Daegu and I can meet you at The Ritz Carlton at Bongeunsa-ro in Gangnam-gu. Let's say 7 p.m. I've made reservations at the Hanazono restaurant. Please let me know if this is convenient for you. I'm looking forward to your call."

"See?" Na Jeong said as she wrapped her arms around my waist. "I told you it would work out!" I wanted to breathe a sigh of relief even as I started writing all the details down.

"Jagiya, should we go out tonight? To celebrate?" I asked her. Her face brightened for a second before her smile disappeared.

"Aigoo... let's not jump the gun. Let's celebrate when you get the job, hmm? We need to start saving up money until then." Of course she would say that. Na Jeong is nothing if not practical. I nodded and she lifted two bags of groceries by her feet. "Besides, I already went to the store and got us something to cook tonight... It's samgyetang! You like it, right?" She walked towards the direction of the kitchen even as she continued to speak. 'Wait till you taste mine..."

I picked up the phone and dialled the number I had written down. I left a message with Ryu Joong Il-ssi's secretary about the appointment and tried to contain the anticipation inside me.

This is going to work out, I told myself as I listened to Na Jeong talk about her day. We ate dinner companionably, Na Jeong chattering about work and the gang. Her voice filled the silence and I was grateful for the distraction even though worries about my future continued to plague me. After we ate, we cleaned up together and watched television, deliberately avoiding any news about baseball. That night when she fell asleep with her arms securely wrapped around me, I finally allowed myself some measure of peace. I forced the voice in my head to quiet down even as it chanted a prayer over and over again.

Please work out. Please, work out.

## August 7, 2001

## 7:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

I sat on the couch listening to the television absently as Na Jeong took a shower. I got up and hid the paperwork that I got earlier when I had gone to my appointment at the bank. I hope she doesn't remember that I was supposed to be there today.

Sitting back down, I watched whatever program was on TV, but my mind was restless... I was still trying to wrap my head around what I was told when I enquired about the possibility of obtaining a loan for a baseball academy. The loan officer had looked at me with sympathetic eyes as he studied the papers and financial reports that I've brought with me.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi," he had said. "Your past income and records were great. But unfortunately we have to base your creditworthiness on not only your past history but your present and future income as well. Looking at all your documents, most of your properties cannot be converted to cash quickly. And though you have investments, they are in long term bonds. They haven't matured yet and you cannot withdraw them for at least five more years, at least for you to even get any profit. You have less than 1 billion won in available cash. The only collateral you have that we can accept is your apartment in Gangnam. I'm assuming that is your primary residence?" When I nodded, he continued. "Baseball is a seasonal business and setting up an academy based on that would be risky for both the bank and you. Honestly, if that fails, you will lose your home. You have no present income, but what about projections?"

"I'm not sure yet," I had responded uneasily. I thought about my CFs, which are still generating some income at the moment, but realized that those will be up for renewal soon and it's very likely I will lose them too. My phone doesn't ring as often with offers as it used to.

"... Your image is an invaluable asset. But you, on paper, is what we call an 'unstable investment'. You have no real credit history or known success with a business. This could very well change if you had a co-applicant, one with a proven track record. You wouldn't by any chance have anyone you can apply with, would you?" When I shook my head no, he perused me with searching eyes. "Mr. Kim... Your father has been a loyal customer of this bank for many years. He has a well-established portfolio. The loan process will be more favourable to you if you were to apply with him."

"No," I vehemently responded. My father didn't even pay for my college education. I earned that Yonsei University scholarship on my own. I had thought about how my father would shake his head at me and say I told you so before holding this over my head for the rest of my life. I shook my head again before I responded. "No... I am doing this on my own."

"I know you haven't drafted an official business plan. I have, however, seen other baseball based business proposals and most of them have failed. Baseball, unfortunately, does not have quite the same following here as it does in the United States or even Japan. I'm not entirely sure how profitable it will be in this country, but I am sure that your start-up costs will eat up most, if not all of your available cash. The rental cost in Seoul for a facility is expensive and the key money alone will be more than what you currently have in your account at the moment. Not factoring in equipment costs, utilities, staff salary if you were to hire people... The list goes on and on. In essence, if you were to apply now, I'm afraid your application would not even pass through the next step. Your name is well known, but as of present, it cannot pay a loan back. I'm sorry."

My right shoulder throbbed angrily, making my eyes water in pain. I looked up to see Na Jeong watching me from the hallway, her eyes worried. Her hair was still wet, and she wore one of my shirts with a pair of leggings. Grabbing my pills from the cabinet and a water bottle from the fridge, she then walked over to me, her phone in her hand. Sitting herself on the coffee table in front of me, she placed her phone, the bottle of pills and water down before she took my hands in hers.

"Jagiya... Your hands are so cold," she said, meeting my eyes. She opened the bottle of pills and handed me one to take. I took it and a drink of the water she brought. She smiled at me and placed a kiss on my forehead. Lifting my left arm, she climbed onto the couch and put it around her. "Joon-ah...How... How did it go at the bank?"

I swallowed more water before I answered her. "It was..." A disaster. "It was fine." She didn't say anything else but just nodded. I enjoyed the feel of her against me and the smell of her hair before she stood up.

"Should I start dinner?" She asked and I looked at her and not really having an appetite, I wanted to tell her not to bother. But she brought her face close to mine before saying, "The kkakdugi we made should be ready."

She placed a peck on my lips before sauntering away. I smiled as I watched her walk off and wondered what I would do without her. The thought of possibly having to be without her made my heart accelerate in alarm. Don't think about that.

Her phone buzzed on the table and I picked it up in time to see the preview of the incoming message. I put it back down after I read it.

Na Jeong-ah... Same time, same place Wednesday? Oppa.

I watched her getting the table ready in the kitchen and debated asking her about it. It's not that I don't trust her. I don't trust him. I have no doubt in my mind that he would try to get her back if he saw that we were struggling in any way. Does she still love him? This question haunts me more frequently than I'd like to admit, and the fact that I have begun to doubt what the answer was is something I dislike.

To this day, she still hasn't told me exactly what happened between them. Did he break up with her? Or did she break up with him? I don't know why but this matters to me. If she broke up with him, then it was her choice. If he broke up with her, then it's very possible that she didn't want to break up and she may have unsettled feelings still. I bet he's just waiting for me to mess up... Just waiting for me to show that I can't be the person that Na Jeong needs me to be before he swoops in and takes her back.

"Jagiya, dinner's ready..." She called out, her back to me as she washed her hands at the sink.

I stood up and walked to the kitchen, taking her phone with me. I put it on the table and waited until she sat down before I spoke.

"You have a message," I said. "From Jung Gook." She smiled and picked up her phone. Reading the message swiftly, she put it back down on the table. "Same time? Same place?"

"Yeah, we meet every Wednesday for lunch," she responded.

"Since when?" I asked. Every Wednesday? While she's working?

"Since you left for America."

"The first time or the second time?"

"Joon-ah... Does it matter?" She said, putting her spoon down. "I told you when I visited that he asked about you."

"Why do you meet so often?" I asked.

I tried to keep the irritation out of my voice, but it wasn't working. Insecurity reared its ugly head and I tried to tamp it down unsuccessfully. The lines between what had been years ago and what was now blurred and I realized that to this day, I wasn't quite convinced that Na Jeong really chose me. That she really loved me. My heart clamped painfully inside my chest and unable to handle that, I focused on just this conversation instead.

"Because we're friends. We grew up together... We were..."

"You were together for a few years." I said. Her eyes became cold as she looked at me.

"Joon-ah, what is your problem?" She asked. "I understand that it's uncomfortable knowing that I have a friendship with Oppa still, but how do you think he feels?"

Are we playing this game again? Is this where we are again? Anger ran through me so quickly I was staggered by it. I felt myself wanting to get up and walk off, but I fought to keep myself sitting down.

We continued our meal in silence, with me not wanting to continue discussing Jung Gook, and her, apparently, not having anything more to say. Her eyes stayed fixed on her plate, her hand protectively over her phone. The silence widened and I put my chopsticks down. Na Jeong and I have never ran out of things to say to each other. Never. We never found it difficult to talk about anything. But this...

This injury has made me paranoid and oversensitive. I acknowledge that. The pain medication makes me feel unbalanced and off guard. How do I erase everything that I remember from the past sixteen years? From my parents to Na Jeong... All those memories were very real in my head.

After dinner, I excused myself and went to bed. She didn't ask why and I didn't offer an reason. I went under the covers and prayed for a dreamless night. I just want to fall asleep without nightmares about my childhood, nightmares that have started since I've been home. I asked Jung Jin Hyung about it, but he said it might just be from stress. I don't want to talk to Dong Joon about it... He will worry overly much and I would have to pretend that it doesn't bother me. I always have to pretend. No one can know how dark my thoughts really go. They'll look at me funny, look at me with pity.

I watched the lights flickering outside my window, unsure whether Na Jeong will be joining me in bed. I expected her to yell at me and draw me out, but she didn't.

When I woke up again, I was in Sincheon Boarding House and it was snowing. It was snowing... I was standing on the balcony, watching Na Jeong walk up to the porch crying. I wanted to call out to her, to make her notice that I was there, but she kept on walking all the way into the house. I walked into the upstairs sitting room then down the stairs to her room. I peeked into her room and saw her clutching a picture close. His picture. Always his picture. I watched as she smiled at it now. "Oppa-ya, I love you. I have always loved only you."

The window cleared up and it was daytime. Na Jeong is in a dress... Her legs stretching for miles. Her pink cardigan complimented the happy flush on her cheeks. Her hair was short again, pulled halfway up with a clip. She was smiling to herself in the mirror. Was she going on a date with me? I almost smiled until I remembered. No... She's going to a musical with him. Her steps light, she skipped to the front entrance... By the gate, before she took his outstretched hand and they walked off together.

The season changed again and now it's raining. I held an umbrella over her head as we walked together. Should I hold her hand? I thought to myself. Does she know how much I love her? Her mouth was smiling but her eyes were somewhere else. He approached us and she went under the rain to stand under his umbrella, their arms linked together just as they always were. Just how everyone thought they always would be. She never looked back. Not even once.

I've disappeared.

I closed my eyes as somewhere inside me my heart cracked. When I opened my eyes again we were laying on the floor. There was a radio program on and it was dark. I laid on my side and watched her smile. Is she happy to be here with me? Hope awakened inside me until I saw her look over to her left with a secret smile. The smile is not for me. It's for him, always him. Bitterness rose inside me and I'm unable to stop it. I wanted to scream at her, to beg of her to see me. But she wouldn't turn. She doesn't want to turn.

I'm no one.

I blinked and she was sitting in front of me, pointing to my glass. Pour it up to here, she said. She's mouthing words about heaters and floor mats. I listen to her speak because it's the only thing she will allow me to do. This is enough, I think. I'll be happy with this. The snow fell heavily now...and we were outside. I put my cap on her head. She doesn't refuse. We walk home in silence and I ask her to consider dating me... In the future if she's alone. I realize in an instant that she will never be alone. She will always have him. Always. In my mind I ask her to say no. She doesn't. Instead she tells me to take care. She holds my hand and her fingers linger over mine. I want to ask her to let me go, but my traitorous heart grasped her hand and told me to hold on just a little bit longer. How long is longer? Maybe forever...

It will never be you, I heard her whisper. Never. At least not by choice. She smiles at him... Not the way she smiles at me. She was marrying him. Until he broke her heart. I would never have broken her heart. Not then. "I love you, Joon-ah," her laughing eyes said. Why now? WHY NOW? WHY NOW?

I woke up, feeling like my shoulder is being stabbed. I hold it close to me, my body being the only thing that's ever been my own. My breath came in gasps, and I had to force myself to breathe deeply into my lungs.

I glanced to my left and saw her face, asleep now, next to me. She's here. She's still here. She chose me, dammit. She chose me. In one instant, desperation clawed at me as I take her mouth in mine, my tongue meeting hers even as I knew she slept. Her eyes opened, confused, but her mouth softened against mine in surrender. I buried my head into her neck, my mouth devouring her taste and I felt her pulse jump wildly against my tongue. I'm lost and I'm drowning, my body tense with anger, tense with bitterness. I needed to prove that she's mine. I lifted her shirt up over her head, my mouth seeking her breasts. She ran her fingers through my hair even though she trembled, a moan escaping her mouth.

I closed my eyes and let my body speak, unwilling to let her in even as I touched her. Don't look at her. Don't look at her. She can never know what you're afraid of. Even as I pushed her underwear off and she opened her legs to allow me into her body, I closed my eyes. I could feel her watching me. Her worried eyes bore through me. Her fingers grasped my shoulders nervously, as if she was unsure that she was doing the right thing, before she tightened her hold and dug her fingers into my skin. The pain was comforting. I would have had her draw blood if she could. Even with our bodies joined, I felt like I was outside of myself, watching as she took me into her body, yet feeling like I was a million miles away. I kept my pace fast, wanting to finish this as quickly as possible. This was not an act of love, but possession. Even as I felt her contract around me and as I emptied myself in her, I felt no satisfaction. I felt nothing, nothing but guilt.

Aware that she would put her arms around me and ask me questions, I pulled away before she had the chance. I lifted myself off the bed and went to the bathroom without looking at her. Once I was there, I put both hands on my head and washed my face. I looked at myself in the mirror, and dull eyes stared back at me. Who are you? A little voice asked. What have you done? How can you do that? She loves you. I'll make it up to her, I swear it. I'll make it up to her.

I went back to the bedroom with heavy steps, not knowing what to say, but knowing that I had to say something. I climbed back on the bed only to see that she'd gone. I ran out of the apartment dressed only in sweatpants and down the elevator, panic eating me up. I saw her standing by the entrance, her face in profile. She was touching her ring. My mind chanted with the words I longed to say.

By the time I walked over to her, she had already gotten in the cab.

Forgive me, Na Jeong-ah. Forgive me.

## August 8, 2001

## 1:45 a.m.

## Na Jeong

By the time I realized what was happening, Joon was already on top of me, his mouth devouring mine in a way that I've never experienced before. There was no tenderness in his kiss, his tongue plundering mine. This is wrong, I thought. I feel no love coming from him. But even now my body betrayed me. Hungry for his touch, I responded instinctively, all of me begging for him to claim what's his.

As he lifted my shirt over my head, his touch moved over my skin roughly, branding and marking everything he touched. I felt his mouth on my breasts, sucking in gulps, as if he needed me for his sanity. As if he needed me for life. It occurred to me then that I was powerless, even to this side of Joon. Even with this darkness my body trembled for him. Only for him.

As he joined his body to mine, I opened my eyes and looked at him. Expecting to see him watching me, like he always has, like he always did. I needed the connection... The unspoken words. A reminder of every promise he and I have ever made to each other and to us.

But as I looked up, my heart dropped. His eyes were closed. He's already put the walls up against me. He was inside me but I was already losing him. And the worst part? I'm not losing him to another woman... Or anything else. What can you do when you're losing the man you love to some inner demon he won't even let you see?

Fuelled by need, I did the only thing I could. I clutched at his shoulders and grabbed at his skin and held onto him like he was the only thing anchoring me at bay. Willing him to stay. Willing him to be here with me. Right now. As if this moment was all I had. Unthinking of the future, for the first time since I loved Joon I was willing to settle for whatever he could give me.

When we were done, he turned away and lifted himself off the bed. I watched, shame filling me, as he went straight to the bathroom without saying a word.

The next thing I knew, I had curled up in a ball... Wondering if this will be how I will lose him. In pieces. Over time. Silent tears came out and I muffled my sobs with the pillow, not knowing if I wanted or didn't want for him to hear my cry. I felt humiliated... That my desire for him was so great that I willingly opened my body and my heart to an act that was not done out of love but of anger. Because that's what it was. Though unsure of what he was angry at, I felt the rage simmering inside him. Even as he was inside me.

I cannot do this, I thought, as I lifted my body off the bed and gathered my clothes to get dressed. I threw what I could into my bag and made my way out of the door, my shoes in my hands. I was gone by the time he came back from the bathroom. I was already in the cab when I allowed myself to look at my phone. It was then that I realized that he never called me to come back.

## August 9, 2001

## 6:45 p.m.

## Chilbong

I sat myself down on the floor mat at Hanazono. I straightened the papers out in front of me and looked at my watch. Wanting to make a good first impression, I got here fifteen minutes early and waited for Ryu Joong Il.

While waiting, I thought about the last few weeks. It has felt like I was losing my grasp on reality. Plagued by nightmares at night, I barely slept. Na Jeong doesn't stay over with me anymore either. She barely speaks to me. After what happened the night before, I am lucky if she even meets my eyes. I can't bear to look at her and see the disappointment on her face. I've tried to say I'm sorry but she wouldn't even look at me long enough for me to be able to say the words.

The pain medication I take makes my stomach queasy still and I cannot eat. But given the choice between not eating or being in pain, I'd rather not eat. The pain, once intermittent, is so bad now that I can barely lift my right arm over shoulder height. I know, as the days go by, that the chances of being able to live like this without having surgery are disappearing. Pretty soon, I will have no choice but to have it.

Maybe, if I can get this job, I can take Na Jeong somewhere for the weekend, just the two of us. Maybe we can reconnect and I can show her that I am just as committed now as I was when we started. It's just... It's just that somewhere along the way, my ghosts found me and I got waylaid. I had managed to get away from them before... I can do it again.

I stood up as I saw a portly man enter the tatami room. Extending a hand, he took mine warmly before taking off his jacket. I waited until he was seated until I sat myself down. I was waiting for him to start the interview when the server, dressed in a kimono, came and took our drink orders. Wanting to be as professional as possible, I only ordered a glass of water while he ordered some sake. I looked on curiously but didn't ask, but I did wonder if it was standard practice for baseball managers to hold interviews so casually.

When our drinks came, he took an appreciative sip of his sake and finally spoke. "I heard about your career with the Giants," he started. "You had a pretty good run with them?"

"Yes," I answered. "I would have liked to have continued playing for them had I not had my injury."

"How bad is your shoulder?"

"I have a couple of tears that will require surgery at some point. I don't think it will affect my ability to coach," I responded. I hid my hands under the table, feeling them become clammy with nerves. I reminded myself that my career playing baseball abroad is nothing to be sniffed at. "Ryu Joong Il-ssi, I have been pitching for sixteen years, and I have been successful for most of them. I believe that I am an asset to any team."

"I believe you," he said. "I think so, too." I felt a wide smile form on my face until I realized that he hasn't even asked to see my resume or asked for any references. Maybe he did his research and he already knew everything he needed to know. The internet tells people everything nowadays. Uneasiness crept inside me when I realized that this seemed a tad too easy. I saw him looking at me before he smiled. "I didn't realize it when I first came in, Jae Joon-ah," I narrowed my gaze at the use of my name informally, "but you don't look like your father at all."

"My... My father?" I stammered. "How do you know my father?"

"His company was a sponsor for many of our team's charities over the years. He's never shown up to a baseball game, however, or even asked for any autographs from the team," he said. "I was curious to meet his son."

"My father is not interested in baseball," I said quietly.

"I gathered as much. He couldn't even remember what team you played for when he called asking for a favour."

"My father called you?" My heart started hammering in my chest with anger and anxiety while I waited for his answer.

"Yes, he called... Maybe a week ago? He said you were in trouble, and if I can find a spot for you in the team, that he would continue his very generous contributions."

"And if you didn't? What would have happened then?"

"I didn't ask. Your father is not a man to cross, Kim Jae Joon-ssi."

"Can I ask you something?" I ask quietly. He looked at me, a question in his eyes. "Was there even any part of my resume that you saw worth considering? Was there anything that I've done that would allow me to be something without my father's name?"

"Mr. Kim... You had a very prestigious career. It was like a dream, right?" He asked. "You are very talented... Were very talented. But you are a pitcher. Not a coach. If I were to tell you what credentials you would need to become one, you would have already started preparing even before you graduated university... Ever heard the saying, those who can, do? You were one of the doers. You can't possibly teach anyone how to hold lightning in their hand. You can't teach anyone how to perform a miracle."

I stayed quiet and let his words register in my mind. I've just been told something that I already knew. I can never be anything else but a baseball player, and I've failed at that, too. I grabbed his shot of sake and looked at him challengingly. I down it in one swallow before I got up from the table, got my stuff together and gave a stiff bow.

"Thank you for your time," I said.

"Are you walking out now? We haven't even discussed the terms of your contract. Aren't you interested to hear what we will be offering you, or when and where you have to show up for your first day?"

"I don't want the job. I have never relied on my father for anything, sir, not since I was young. And I am not about to start now." I gathered what was left of my dignity and walked out of the room.

Once I was in the car, I looked at my phone to see if there were any missed calls or messages from Na Jeong. There were none. After last night, I don't blame her.

I drove around for a couple of hours, knowing that when I went home she will not be there waiting for me. She may never come again. As I drove, memories came crashing back of one of the few times my father actually taught me anything.

"Jae Joon has no Omma!" One of my classmates called out.

"You're so ugly! Your Omma ran away so she didn't have to look at you," another one screamed.

They all surrounded me by the exit at the school. The teachers are nowhere to be found, they're all in the classrooms cleaning up. I tried to walk past them and close my ears to what they were saying, but someone pushed me in the back. I walked faster, trying to get home as quickly as possible to get back to the safety of my room, but they kept following me with their taunts and their insults.

"Your Omma ran off with another man... Because she's a..."

I lifted a fist and connected against a face before I could even help myself. I felt several pairs of hands pushing me and shoving me to the ground. I felt small and helpless and tears formed in my eyes as I registered the scrape on my knees and hands as I fell to the concrete.

Lifting myself up, I ran and ran and ran until I couldn't breathe anymore, until I reached Appa's house. I say Appa's house because this is no home. I've been to other kids' houses and they lived in homes. There was always food smells from their houses, the sweetness of their Omma's perfumes in the air. There were flowers at their houses. And noise. People talked and laughed. Not here. There was no one to talk to here. No one laughed here.

Opening the door as quietly as I could, I held back a cry when I saw that I was bleeding. I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my shirt, praying that Appa is not home. I heard his voice before I saw him.

"Jae Joon... I see you. Come here," he boomed.

I walk slowly towards him. When he saw me I knew he wouldn't notice my bleeding knees and hands. I knew he would notice my tears first.

"What did I tell you about crying?" He asked. "Real men don't cry. You're so soft, Joon-ah... What happened?"

I stood quietly, trying to make myself smaller. Trying to disappear into the ground. I held back a sniffle. But I'm only eight years old... I'm only eight. Not a man. I want Omma. I want my Omma back.

"Some... Some..." I couldn't continue, choking on my tears, on my words. "Some classmates said Omma left because of me. They said she's a ..."

"You shouldn't care what people think Joon-ah. Their approval doesn't matter."

I don't know what he's saying. He's not the one who has to go to school with them.

"... Success... That's your real revenge. You won't need love if you have success. Love will just come to you then. Become successful and you'll be loved," he said bitterly, taking a drink of dark liquid from his glass.

My vision blurred and I swerved to avoid the oncoming traffic. I swallowed the bile that rose up to my throat even as I pulled over to the shoulder on the road. I tried to take a few calming breaths to find my bearings, but as I breathed deeply, the panic that had been building up inside me boiled over and I put my head down on the steering wheel before I had a full on breakdown in the car. When finally I looked at where I was, I realized that I had driven myself to Yonsei University...I had driven myself back to the baseball field where the happiest of my memories took place.

I got out of the car slowly, my feet taking me back to the field. The gate was unlocked and the lights were off, and I entered the stadium in measured steps. Once inside I sat down on a bleacher and closed my eyes. I can almost hear the crowd cheering as a breeze touched my cheek. I can almost feel the tension... In me and around me in the silence. The thought that never again will I hear the crowd yell out my name broke something inside me.

Na Jeong, too, would never see me the same way again. When I look at her, she looks like a wounded animal anticipating my next blow. Tears fell down my face as I realized I know this and yet I am powerless to stop. Driven by something bigger than me, I keep throwing stones, wanting her to be the first one who gives up.

It was there... In the shadows of the place I once loved, that I cried for the weakness in me. The weakness I tried to hide but am unable to anymore. My father was right.

Without success, I will not have love.

Without success, I will never permit myself love.

## August 11, 2001

## 9:30 a.m.

## Chilbong

"Appa, how can I force him to come over for dinner if he doesn't want to? Joon is his own person... You can't order him around like he was a kid," I heard Na Jeong furiously whisper on her phone. She was in the kitchen making breakfast and I had just come out of the shower. "Appa... How many times do I have to tell you not to just show up here?" There was silence for a few minutes before I heard her voice again. I stayed standing just behind the wall.

"Omma, I have to stay here. How can I leave him like this? He's in pain most of the time, or his head is somewhere else from the medication. You can't possibly expect that I will just leave. No, he doesn't know that I have changed jobs now... Why should I tell him? He has enough going on." She paused, as if listening. "Omma, the shower's off, I have to go."

I strolled casually around the corner and went to the kitchen. She looked at my face and put a too bright smile on hers. "Morning, jagiya," she said. I nodded and sat myself down at the kitchen table. She placed a bowl of rice in front of me before bringing the stew onto the table. I waited until she sat down before I spoke.

"Na Jeong-ah, who were you talking to?" I asked.

"It was just Omma and Appa... You know they're worried about you. They want to see you," she said, looking at her plate.

"Are they worried about me or worried about someone like me being with you?"

"What is that supposed to mean?" She asked, defensively. "You had a relationship with my parents before you even had a relationship with me. Of course they're concerned."

"Okay," I said.

I don't feel like arguing. It seems like all we do nowadays is argue or play nice. I'm always pushing for a reaction and she's always walking on eggshells. For the week that I've been home, I've waited for her to ask me what's going on, to insist on my honesty. But she's said nothing.

We ate breakfast in silence and she walked over to the living room to turn the television on, just so we didn't have to deal with the silence. As soon as she sat down, I was about to eat a spoonful of rice when I heard the newscaster's voice.

"It has been confirmed that Kim Jae Joon-ssi has been dropped by the Giants for next year's roster due to his midseason injury. We have yet to receive word officially from his management team, but will definitely let you know as soon as we have information."

Having lost my appetite, I put my spoon down slowly and lean back on the chair. Na Jeong turned the television off and sat back at the table, pretending not to just have heard the news. She looked at me and she stayed silent. I see her eyes, prying, trying figure me out, and I put the detached mask on my face.

"Joon-ah, why didn't you tell me?"

"Why didn't you tell me you changed your job?" I spat back. She got a new job for what, exactly? Didn't she like her old one?

She comes over here every night, not staying every night, to make me dinner or to clean up. Like she was my fucking maid. Or my mother. Increasingly I get the feeling that Na Jeong is here to be one of those women. One of the good women that stuck by their men through the hard times, all the while resenting them so that when they do leave, they can forever pat themselves on the back that they did right by their men. I would know, I was born by one such woman. She hasn't let me touch her in days. And I didn't want to kiss her for fear that she will reject me. It's like we've gone back to our friendship of old, the one that didn't really exist.

"Joon-ah," she said resignedly. "I changed my job so I can save up some more money. I put my application in long before you even came back, right after I visited you. I thought it would keep me distracted, and I can save up quicker so you don't have to pay all the time."

"Why can't I do that?"

She stayed quiet and I knew why. Because she didn't want to say what I know she was going to say. You have no prospects. You have no job. You have no options. Your money is going to run out, just like your fame, just like your baseball ability. And I can't count on you anymore.

I watched her as she avoided my eyes, and I felt like something was eating me up from the inside out. I felt like I was going to implode, so I pushed my chair back to leave the kitchen.

"Joon-ah... Are you coming to the baby's 100 day celebration later?" She said quietly. "Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin are expecting you."

"I can't go. Apologize to them for me." I said curtly.

"They're your friends too."

"Given the choice between me and you, they will always choose you over me. I would never have become a part of your gang had I not insisted on living at the boarding house."

She kept her head down, tracing her chopstick over her bowl. She met my eyes over the table and said that one word, "Okay."

As I walked off to the bedroom, I realized that she had no fight left in her. She didn't think this was worth fighting for anymore. She has already given up on me.

Closing that door behind me, I walked to the bed and sat down. I looked at the picture of me and Na Jeong on the table, noting that she hardly looks at me that way anymore. The expression on her face nowadays makes my heart drop. I know that expression... I remember it from a long time ago. It had been another face, just as beautiful to me, but the resignation is the same. My mother had the same look for months before she left my father. I didn't know it then, but I did after she left. Lying down on the bed, I closed my eyes and though I didn't want to, my thoughts automatically went back to that day when I discovered she was gone.

I had known as soon as I walked in the door that Omma had left. The house was quiet... Really really quiet. I didn't hear her voice talking on the phone when I entered. She's usually on the phone with Eemo, complaining about Appa.

Appa wasn't home yet... I was by myself. I had sneaked into the room that Omma used now. She and Appa don't sleep in the same room anymore.

I looked her table for her jewellery and her tubes of beauty products and it was devoid of anything that used to be here. I searched in the drawers only to find them empty, nothing was to be found. I opened her closet, expecting to see rows and rows of her dresses and bags, but nothing there as well. No pictures of her on the tables. Nothing. It was as if she was wiped out from this house. Panicked, I had gone to the bathroom to see if she could be there, my young mind unable to comprehend how a person can just disappear. When I opened the door and she hadn't been there, I started calling for her, my voice increasing with each Omma that I uttered.

With my heart heavy, my lip trembling and tears slowly falling from my eyes, I had walked over to the refrigerator and saw that there was still a big container of radish kimchi. I didn't like it that much, but Omma always asked me to help her make it so I did it, just to be able to spend a little time with her.

I used to sit next to her on a little stool in front of two big buckets as she threw ingredients into them. Then she'd take my little hands in hers, and guide me into the buckets so that we can mix it together. Even though I had known to do it myself by heart, it still felt good to have her hands on me, so I pretended not to know.

Omma's hands had been soft and smooth. She always smelled nice. She didn't yell at me when we made radish kimchi. She smiled a lot. At least when we made kkakdugi. Sometimes she'd even feed me a little bit and I kept my face pleasant lest she thought I didn't like it.

In a haze now, I walked out into the kitchen of Appa's house and was surprised to see a little boy dragging a stool so that he could grab a bowl from the cupboards. Careful, I wanted to say, as he balanced precariously on the stool, but he managed just fine, as if he'd done this a million times before. Understanding then dawned on me. Of course he had... That little boy was me.

I watched as he spooned rice onto the bowl then went into the fridge and lifted the container of radish kimchi from the fridge. His face crumpled as he held it close to his chest, as if in doing so he could have his Omma again. My heart beat painfully inside my own chest, remembering the feeling all too well. He reverently set it on the counter before putting just a few pieces of it on the rice then placed it carefully back in the fridge.

Only the kitchen light was on in this quiet and empty house, a stark contrast to the luxuriousness it exuded. The house was made even lonelier by Omma's absence. He crouched down on the floor with the fridge behind his back and brought the spoon to his mouth. As soon as the taste hit my tongue, I realized that the little boy was no more and he was now me. The tears started falling, constantly now and my abdomen did a somersault inside me. Still I kept eating. Even as the tears fell silently, I kept chewing and swallowing. Even as the tears were trying to choke me, I kept eating. This was all I had left of her. She's gone. She left.

I looked up to see that I was no longer in Appa's house but my own apartment. It was not Omma's kimchi I was eating but Na Jeong's. The bowl dropped from my hands as I ran through the rooms, looking for her. Her toothbrush on the sink, still, always next to mine. Her slippers, which were usually by the door, were gone... Her makeup wasn't on the side table... Her clothes were gone... I stared at the empty drawers that I pulled out. She was gone. She's disappeared. Only remnants of her was in this house.

Na Jeong-ah, I wanted to cry out but no sound would come out. Na Jeong-ah, please... Don't leave me... DON'T LEAVE ME.

My eyes shot open and I sat up on the bed, my shoulders shaking, racked by silent sobs. Sweat poured over me while my shoulder screamed in pain. I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep until the nightmare inserted itself into my memory.

Still unnerved I laid back down. I had eaten Omma's kimchi then, thinking it was the least I could do. Thinking it was enough. It had been my penance for her eight year sacrifice to have me and raise me. Fear lodged itself on my throat as I wondered whether just like Omma, Na Jeong would rather be free of me too. I looked over next to me to realize that she was sleeping next to me. She came back. She's still here.

I turned to my side and watched as she slept peacefully, unaware of the demons that were threatening to destroy me. I wondered if the time came... If I would be able to protect her from this darkness... If I would be able to protect her even from me. Hesitantly I put my arms around her and at least in sleep she still accepted my touch. I breathed her in even as tears fell from my eyes. "I love you, Na Jeong. Please don't leave me. Please..." She shifted to her other side facing away from me and I released my hold on her. It's done, I thought. I've already lost her.

Like a dead man walking, now all I can do is wait.

## August 12, 2001

## 2:45 a.m.

## Na Jeong

I had gone to Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo's earlier for their baby's 100th day party. I hated lying to our friends, but how do I explain whatever Joon was going through when I didn't know myself? He won't talk to me. He just shuts down whenever I ask what his plans are and I noticed when his list had disappeared from the fridge. Day after day, even though he is physically beside me, he seemed to be getting farther and farther away from me. I tried to be encouraging, but afraid that he would take what I say the wrong way and too exhausted to fight, I kept my mouth shut. I stopped staying over at the apartment as much, afraid that my temper will get the better of me. He'll get over this soon, I keep telling myself. He has to. There had been no apologies or mention of any of our tense conversations, or even that night. I don't need his apologies. I love him just as he is. He needed to realize this sooner than later.

I came home from the party to find Joon asleep on the bed. Not wanting to wake him up but unable to stay away, I laid down next to him and watched him sleep. We've done this so many times before... Fallen asleep together. Always together. My eyes narrowed as I gazed at the shadows under his eyes, his impossibly long lashes resting innocently on his face. My fingers reached out to smooth the frown between his brows, but I stopped myself before I made contact. I didn't want to disturb him, as he doesn't sleep well nowadays, so I scooted as close to him as I could and continued to watch him until I fell asleep.

Something warm on my neck woke me up. For a moment I was disoriented, unaware of where I was. I felt Joon's arms around me even as my eyes stayed closed. He hasn't touched me like this, not since that night. Afraid to break the moment, I kept my eyes closed. It took me a minute to realize that Joon wasn't just holding me... He was clutching me tightly. As if he was drowning and needed something to hold on to. His body, always so strong, always so steady, was shaking uncontrollably. I was about to open my eyes and ask him what was wrong when I heard him choke on a sob. "I love you, Na Jeong. Please don't leave me. Please..."

I know what will happen if I opened my eyes now. He will put his mask on and turn away from me. As he had every other time I've tried to reach out to him. Feeling the tears burn the back of my eyes, I did the only thing I could. I turned to my other side.

My heart begged for him to continue holding me, even for just a few more minutes, needing his presence... Needing a reminder of what we are fighting for. I felt his arms break away from me as my own tears fell. Again I was surrounded only by the coldness and the silence of the bed. My heart fell inside my chest even as I willed the tears to stop. We can't continue living like this. I cannot love him like this. Something will have to give... And it will have to be soon.

## August 16, 2001

## 6:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

"Jae Joon-ah... It's Appa. The Lions' manager just called and left a message mentioning that you refused the job? What were you thinking? Do you know how much I had to donate to even secure that spot for you? I even made them let go of the current pitching coach..." His voice grew louder with the last words. He let out a deep sigh before continuing in a softer tone, "I was only trying to help. What are you going to do now? I called one of my business contacts and they said they'd give you a job if you needed it. Call me back. Oh... And you..."

I pressed stop on the answering machine before he could say more. My father knew just what to say to make a shitty day feel even worse. I've spent all day looking through the jobs section of the classified ads in the paper as well as online only to be told repeatedly that I have no experience, that I'm not qualified or that my shoulder being out of commission will prevent me from doing a job properly. I hid the newspapers away as I perused my list, all items now crossed off. Angry now, I crumpled the list in my hand and walk over to the garbage to throw it out.

It was just as well... I threw it out just in time for Na Jeong to come into the apartment and go to the kitchen without so much as acknowledging me. I watched from the living room as she unpacked the food she brought and set the table. When she was done, she called my name and sat down before I was even in the kitchen. How many times have we shared a meal like this? In my mind the number was enormous, memories of eating while holding hands and our legs intertwined flashing back all too quickly. And now...

You can cut the silence on this dinner table with a knife. Na Jeong sat stonily in front of me, putting the food in her mouth in automated motions. She chewed mechanically, her eyes betraying no emotion. She bit her lip even as her eyes stayed focused on her plate. She looked like she was waiting to say something and I wished she would just come right out and say it.

"I found your list," she said, her voice strained. She reached behind her and pulled out a piece of paper, trying to straighten it as she placed it on the table. The last time I saw that list was when I had crumpled it in my fist. I could have sworn I threw it in the garbage. Is she going through the trash now?

"What are you doing?" I asked. Trying to remind me of my failures? Trying to show me my inadequacies? Looking for a reason to leave?

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I met her eyes and wondered what exactly she was getting at. "Why was this in the garbage?"

"Na Jeong-ah... You've seen it. You don't see that all of it has been crossed off? It's official. I've run out of options. There is no life for me outside of baseball," I said, putting my chopsticks down.

"I thought you said the interview went well?"

"It did. I didn't say I took the job."

"Joon-ah." I heard it in her voice then, the tone of resignation. "What will you do?" Not what will We do... But what will You do. My stomach in my throat, I searched for a response even though I don't have one. "Will you have the surgery?"

"I'm still thinking about it. I can't just go under the knife... There are too many variables. There's no guarantee it will work either. I don't know what I'll do."

She stayed quiet, her mouth set in a firm line. Her silence is killing me. I started tapping a finger on the table to calm myself down. When she still said nothing, I pushed my chair back. I got up to put my plate in the sink when she spoke.

"Joon-ah..." She hesitated briefly before continuing. "Do you want me to ask Appa if they have any openings on his team?"

My hands shook in anger and I tried to tamp down my annoyance before I allowed myself to turn around and look at her. "Why would you do that?"

"Joon-ah..."

"When have I ever asked you for help? When did I ever say I needed you to fix this for me?" She stayed sitting on her chair, not meeting my eyes.

"Maybe you should ask for help, Joon-ah. You don't have to..."

"I don't have to what?" I interrupted. "I don't have to live like this? Are you tired of this? Tired of me?" My voice was raised as I asked the questions, the answers to which I may not be prepared for. "If you're giving up, Na Jeong, just say so."

"Stop putting words into my mouth," she said, a warning in her voice. For a second I felt the hope bloom inside me that my Na Jeong was back, and I braced myself for the outpouring of words from her mouth. But just as soon as I heard the fire in her tone, it disappeared. "I was just trying to help." She sounded meek... Defeated.

"I don't need anyone's help, or anyone's pity. I can handle all of this on my own. I have handled everything else, every other time. How did you think I lived before you? I managed just fine."

"Joon-ah..." she said, lifting her eyes to mine, looking hurt.

"Na Jeong-ah, I don't want to hear it... Do you want me to look even more pathetic to your family?"

"Joon-ah... You know they won't think like that. Appa and Omma love you. They only want what's best for us."

"You mean what's best for you..." I responded. "I bet they're wishing now that you married Jung Gook."

"Why... Why would you say that?" Her voice shook. In anger? Good, finally. I get something more than pity.

"Did you see him today?" I asked her. "When I was calling you earlier... Were you with him?"

Steely hazel eyes met mine over the table. "So what if I did? Are you going to tell me who I can and cannot eat a meal with nowadays?" Her tone was steady. She closed her eyes as if trying to calm herself down and when she opened them again, she had a smile pasted on her mouth. "Oppa was with his girlfriend, Joon-ah." Of course he was. He wouldn't want to be so obvious. I stood up and was almost at the door when I heard her speak again. "Where are you going?"

"I'm taking a walk," I answered, putting my shoes on.

"Do you want me to come with you?" She asked, now standing and leaning against the wall.

"Do whatever the hell you want," I responded, not looking at her.

Even as I know I have become intolerable and that I was pushing her away on my own accord, I waited for some sort of reaction... In fact, any sort of reaction from her will be good... Something that tells me that Na Jeong is still somewhere inside the woman that I shared a meal and a bed with. That there was more beneath the polite smile she gives me.

I waited by the door for half an hour.

But she never came out.

##

## August 17, 2001

## 4:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

I heard the insistent beeping of the doorbell, and I struggled to get out of bed. Blinds drawn in the apartment, I almost stumbled over an unknown something before I could even get to the monitor. When I saw that it was Jung Jin Hyung, I opened the door and let him in. Entering the apartment, he took one look at me and shook his head. I sensed the disappointment coming from him, but that's nothing unfamiliar to me in the recent days. I hear it in my parents' voice when they give me a friendly reminder that I need to figure out my life. I see it in my cousin's eyes whenever he looks at me. I feel it every time Na Jeong touches me. You're a disappointment, the voices kept whispering.

I looked at him closely and though he looked tired, he still looked fine. Still wearing a suit. Still able to laugh and function like a regular human being. I bet he's not thinking about not being able to get married or not having a future. His future is stable, secure. Whatever happens to my career, Hyung will land on his feet and recover. I am glad for that, at the very least.

"Joon... About your CF contracts," he started, a hesitant tone in his voice. "A few of the sports companies will not be renewing them." His gaze met mine directly and I nodded. "I told them that this is a tricky time and that there's a big possibility that you'll recover, but you know that for those companies it's all about what's hot now and what the bottom line is." I didn't say anything.

"I get it," I said, my voice hoarse. "That's understandable, Hyung."

"Have you made a decision on what you're going to do yet?" He asked, his eyes fixed on my face.

"About what?"

"About everything. Your shoulder. Your apartment in San Francisco."

"No," I said. "I don't know what I am going to do. Either way, I'm screwed. Let's call it like it is. Like the surgeon said... If I don't have surgery I will never play again... Not the way that I've played since university. If I get the surgery, maybe I can play that well again, someday. There still aren't any guarantees are there?"

"There aren't any guarantees in anything, Joon-ah," he said carefully. "What do your parents say? And Na Jeong?"

"My parents are probably happy to be right and are just waiting for the perfect opportunity to throw it in my face. And Na Jeong... Na Jeong's future shouldn't be dependent on me."

"Joon-ah... It's okay to depend on other people sometimes."

"Not when you've never had anyone to depend on. Then you learn to do it on your own," I responded stubbornly.

"You can't always do everything on your own." He stood up and made his way to the door. "Let me know what you want me to tell your landlord in San Francisco... We can't keep shelling out $10,500 a month on renting a place you're not living in or are not going back to."

Even after he left, I sat on the couch by myself, plagued by my thoughts, haunted by memories. I closed my eyes just for one minute, hoping that for once, the nightmare of remembering will stop. I keep hoping, but it never does. Seemingly knowing when it can prey on my already broken and doubting mind, it started again as soon as I fell into unconsciousness. They start out as memories, my nightmares, tempting me with thinking that I could have changed anything.

I heard a voice from the closet as I was playing by myself. It was Omma's voice. My Omma. The most beautiful woman in my world. She had an angel's face. Her voice was angry, disappointed. I scooted farther inside the closet I was hiding in.

"What kind of man gets married and has a kid and can't provide? You promised me when we got married that we'll have a wonderful life... You promised me this. But I'm working two jobs for what? To support your dreams? What about my dreams?"

"Just give me some time. Just a little bit of time. I'll definitely make it and become successful. I still love you. You're the mother of my child."

"What the hell is the purpose of love if you can't give me anything I need? I'm tired of this life. I'm tired of being a mother. I never wanted this. I'm done."

"What happens to Joon?"

"You take him. You're the one who wanted a kid. You're the one who thought that having a kid would solve everything. And stupid me actually believed you! It solved nothing! Having a kid just chained me to this sham of a marriage. So you take Joon."

"I didn't want a kid either. But you got pregnant, so what was I supposed to do? You're so selfish... "

"You made me into this. I wanted a life. I wanted a career. I wanted to travel. If I hadn't married you... If I wasn't a mother, I could have become a good woman. Hell I could have been a great woman. Now I'm nothing. NOTHING! You chained me that child. You think I wouldn't leave? Watch me."

## Na Jeong

I stopped at the store to get something to make for dinner for tonight. I also stopped at the pharmacy... My period is late. I didn't even realize that until I looked at my pills and discovered that I had already started on a new pack even when I haven't had my cycle. I've been running on autopilot mode since Joon has been home. I'm exhausted... I haven't slept well in a month and it's catching up to me.

I took a deep breath when I got to Joon's door. I wasn't sure which Joon was going to greet me when I came in. Sometimes he seemed okay, but more often than not, he was sullen and in pain. He'll snap out of it, I keep reminding myself. I know I should be more concerned about the probability of being pregnant but I wasn't. The timing is not right, but we've discussed this before. Joon and I are just going through a rough patch, but we'll make it through this. I punched the code to Joon's door and fixed a smile on my face.

I walked into the apartment, and the place was as I left it last night. The blinds were still drawn and I had to watch my step to make sure I don't trip on anything. I put my bag down on the counter and put the groceries away. I was walking towards the bedroom when I heard activity on the living room. I approached the sofa and saw Joon asleep on the couch. His head was thrashing from side to side, his brows drawn into a frown. My heart squeezed inside me as I watched another of his nightmares take over him. Not wanting to alarm him, I knelt on the side of the sofa and took his hand. Tears fell from my eyes, feeling helpless and unable to do anything to make his pain feel better or make his demons disappear. I quickly dried my eyes. Stay strong, I told myself. Once I was sure I was composed, I shook him gently and said his name. When he didn't wake, I started shaking him harder and yelled. I would have done anything to break him out of his nightmare.

"JAGIYA, WAKE UP! Wake up!"

His eyes shot open and he looked around before his eyes landed on me. "I'm okay... It's nothing..." He mumbled, and I took his hands in mine.

## Chilbong

The world was closing in on me and I felt the sensation of panic in my throat. I woke up to Na Jeong yelling at me. "JAGIYA, WAKE UP! Wake up!"

"I'm okay... It's nothing..." I mumbled my reply to Na Jeong when she placed her hands on mine and asked me about my nightmare. She didn't push for an answer but hugged me tightly before heading to the kitchen to prepare our dinner.

## Na Jeong

"Bad dream?" I asked and he nodded. Seeing that his expression had already become hooded, I didn't push for an answer. Don't crowd him, I told myself. Give him some space. Nevertheless, I put my arms around him in a tight embrace, something I do so rarely now, then went to the kitchen to prepare our dinner.

## Chilbong

I stared at her retreating back. I was dreaming while I was awake. Is this dreaming now or remembering again? I don't really know, my nightmares were reality from a distant past. But Na Jeong walking away from me, always walking away from me, is also a familiar picture.

I leaned back on the couch, attempting to understand why this dream appears more than any others. My mind is too muddled to even try to make sense of it now. Because it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore. Not to me. Not now.

Eventually my father's dreams came true. And so did my mother's. But it came with a price. That price was me.

The price was my childhood and my worth. To them, it hadn't been a price worth paying, so I paid it. For the love that couldn't be repaired. For the sacrifices they made. For the dreams they lost. For the sin of being born... And for the sin of existing. I paid it.

The ringing coming from Na Jeong's purse roused me back to the present. I waited for her to answer it only to realize that she'd gone to the bathroom. I dragged myself off the couch and walked to the counter where her bag sat.

"Joon-ah, answer that for me, will you?" I heard her call out from the bathroom.

## Na Jeong

I felt his eyes on me as I walked away. I took out what I needed from the fridge and started preparing dinner. I decided on sundubu-jigae earlier today, because I knew it would be quick. If I didn't cook, I'm sure Joon would just not eat. He'll sit here in this dark apartment and stay in bed all day.

A wave of nausea passed through me and I went to the bathroom to empty my stomach. Dizziness came over me and I held onto the wall to keep myself steady. Sitting on the floor after, I put a steadying hand on my forehead. I stood up and washed my hands in the sink, then splashed some cold water on my face. The reflection on the mirror surprised me. I looked gaunt, like I've lost weight. There were shadows under my eyes. I was pale, and my hair was pulled from my face in a tight ponytail. I heard my phone ring from the kitchen.

"Joon-ah, answer that for me, will you?" I called out. It's probably my parents, or one of our friends. I suddenly remembered that I had taken the pregnancy test out of the grocery bag and placed it in my purse, and I rushed out of the bathroom. "Forget it, Joon-ah... I will answer..." My voice trailed off when I saw him standing up by the counter holding the box in his fingers.

## Chilbong

I went to her purse and saw her phone on the top. I had just picked it up when I saw what it had been lying on. I picked the box up and read what it is. I was still staring at it when Na Jeong came rushing out of the bathroom.

"Forget it, Joon-ah... I will answer..." Her voice trailed off as she saw what I was holding.

"What is this?" I asked, my voice soft. She looked stricken, panicked, but she didn't say another word. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

## Na Jeong

"What is this?" He asked softly. All colour faded from my face and I tried to keep myself from panicking. Unsure of what to say, I stayed silent. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

"Jagiya," I said, trying my best to stay calm. "You've looked at it. What do you think it is?"

"Answer my fucking question, Na Jeong." His voice was tense and strained. His eyes spoke with an unnamed emotion and for another minute I thought I was going to throw up again.

"I'm late," I replied, lifting my chain. If I didn't I was afraid my lips would tremble and I would start crying. "Three weeks late."

"Are you joking?" He looked dazed, anger lacing his words. "You've got to be kidding."

"Does it look like I'm joking?" What part of this does he think is a joke?

"I thought you were on the pill." His voice was accusing, suspicious even. I had to back up against the counter to keep myself up.

"I am on the pill. But I've been sick... Not that you've even noticed. You've been stuck in your own world for the past month. Antibiotics mess up birth control pills all the time. Nothing is 100% Joon-ah." My voice was small, hesitant. "Would it really be so bad if you and I have a child together? We talked about this before you left... You don't remember?"

## Chilbong

"...Would it really be so bad if you and I have a child together?" She asked, her voice shaky. "We talked about this before you left... You don't remember?"

January 24, 2001

"Ahjussi, can you take our picture?" Na Jeong asked, approaching a man taking a walk in the park. He smiled at her and she handed him her camera. "You just have to press this button, but let us know first okay? Count to three then take it please."

She walked towards me, a vision in a red dress and knee high boots. Her hair in a braid down her back. She stopped when she reached me and smiled.

"Na Jeong-ah, how many children should we have?" I whispered.

She looked surprised for a minute before actually thinking it through. "Hmm, maybe five? Enough for a starting basketball team."

"Yah... I'm a baseball player. Why basketball?" I pinched her nose. "We need nine at least. For a starting baseball team."

"How are you going to support all those kids?"

"Have you forgotten who I am? I'm a Major League Player. We will never have any problems supporting our family." I kissed her forehead. "Let's settle for seven then. My magic number."

She nodded and smiled as she put her hand over my heart and I ran my fingers down her hair. I heard the faint click of the camera before Na Jeong spoke.

"Ahjussi... You didn't warn us!!!"

## Na Jeong

I saw his eyes, lost, as if thinking of a memory. His gaze softened as he looked away, and I hoped that he would be roused from whatever darkness he was in. Instead when he looked back at me, all I saw was rage. For the first time since he's been home, I was genuinely afraid that he's reached the point of no return.

"Times have changed. I no longer have a profession or a career. Don't pretend you don't know. What the hell kind of a father do you think I'd make? How can I have a child when my own life is falling apart? Na Jeong, wake up! Love alone will not feed you. It won't buy you a house or provide anything else for you... I know the outcome of this story. I am the living example. I AM the outcome of this story."

I know what he's talking about... I know about his childhood. I know about his contract not getting renewed. I know that it's been tough... But he's a good man. I think he would make a great father. "That's not true," I said. "Love makes up for a lot. If this is about baseball..."

"That's easy for you to say..." He said with a sneer. "You grew up surrounded with love. You grew up in a family where everyone loved you and you knew it." I saw him clench his jaw before he spoke again. "Sung Na Jeong... The pearl on her Appa's palms, the apple of her Hoon Oppa's and Jung Gook Oppa's eyes, and now I am twirled around your little finger..."

Feeling the colour drain from my face, I braced myself for the unleashing of cruel words. I knew that he had been at his breaking point. I am the only one here. Of course he would lash out at me. I took a step back, hoping that some distance would clear his head.

"And don't you even dare to mention baseball to me... Aren't you the one who always said I should be doing something else? Didn't you always say you wish I never left? You wanted THIS and now you have it." Even though I expected it, his words still wounded deeply. My hands started shaking and I felt my eyes fill with tears. "Do you even know what it's like to not get everything you want? To wait for so long, to work so hard... To be willing to practically do anything to get it?"

"Joon-ah... Why are you doing this? Why are you saying this stuff?" I walked towards him, wishing he would just tell me what he really means and tried to grab his hands, but he pushed them away and backed farther away from me, still stabbing me with his words.

"I suppose not. You wanted Jung Gook and you got him. You wanted me and you got me too. I wonder though, if I would have been half as attractive to you, had I still been that pathetic Chilbong from years ago. Probably not..."

## Chilbong

Her hand met my cheek before I could even finish speaking. I felt the stinging pain where her hand landed but I continued on.

"I touched on the truth, right? That's why you slapped me. Because it hurts to hear the truth. Believe me, that's how I felt. Every. Single. Fucking. Time. When. YOU. Rejected. Me."

She was shaking her head at me, tears falling freely from her eyes. "You don't mean what you say. You're just angry and hurt. You don't mean it," her voice broke at the last syllable and still, even in anger, my heart clenched. "WHO ARE YOU? WHERE'S MY JOON? I WANT MY JOON BACK!" She brought her fists to my chest, and I had to stop myself from reaching out and holding her.

I swallowed the weakness that I felt. "Didn't you know? This was the person inside me the whole time." I watched as she straightened her shoulders and picked up her purse. "Where are you going?"

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi... You're a hypocrite and a coward. You ask me to be myself with you when the whole time you hide yourself from me. Are you scared that I won't love you if I found out who you really are, or that I would? You keep hiding and you keep running from who? From me? I'll save you the trouble. I'll leave before you say anything else that you won't be able to take back."

Even as my heart wanted to beg her to stay, I hardened my resolve. No one understands. Not even her. "Of course you would be the first to leave."

## Na Jeong

"Of course you would be the first to leave." He said this with relief, as if he was glad to be right about me. As if he'd always thought this about me.

"I may be leaving now, but you abandoned me long before this," I said, my voice calm and my eyes dry. "Remember that. Make no mistake Kim Jae Joon-ssi. I love you, but I love me too. How long did you think I was going to let you talk to me like shit? You obviously don't want me here, so I will give you what you want. And if I am pregnant, don't worry... I won't need any Major Leaguer money to support my child."

I turned away before I broke down in front of him. I had to get out of here. I had to leave before we hurt each other any more than we already have. There are words that though they are not said out loud that you know to be true. And then there are words that though they are said out loud, you can't help but feel like the words are just used to hide what's really going on inside.

Putting my shoes on, I walked out of his apartment without looking back.

## Chilbong

I watched her walk away from me as quickly as she came into my life. She walked out without a second glance and I felt like I was punched in the stomach, except I knew it was because of me. There is something inherently wrong with me. I've become unglued and I wasn't sure if I can be put together back again. I feel scared and tired... My body is in so much pain and I struggled to hold back the tears that threatened to fall.

"Real men don't cry," I heard my father say. "It's a sign of weakness... That's your problem Jae Joon-ah. You've always been too soft."

The pain of the memory lashed into me as I closed my eyes. Bile rose in my throat and I ran to the bathroom to empty my stomach. I collapsed on the cold bathroom floor, the light flashing so bright into my eyes I thought they would blind me.

I was a fool, I thought. A fool to believe that I can have it all. A fool to believe that I deserved it all. I destroy everything I touch.

Somehow I managed to stagger back to the bedroom, where memories of Na Jeong were still so alive I could see her smiling and whispering words of love in my ear. I could still see us moving, in perfect harmony, our bodies connecting, in passion, in sorrow and in love. I shut my eyes closed to the memory. Those days are over, a little voice inside my head said. You will never be the man that Sung Na Jeong loves. It can never be you. It will never be you. You've just proven why.

I lifted the vase on my table and threw it to the wall. My arm was protesting and I didn't listen or care. I picked up a framed photo of us and threw it to the ground. I went to the kitchen and broke all the plates all the glasses and everything I could get my hands on. Even with my shoulder killing me, it didn't compare to the pain threatening to annihilate me from within. I want proof. I want the place to reflect how I felt. On and on I continued, getting sick pleasure from the destruction all around me. When I was finally done, my eyes looked blankly around the apartment, the place where so many of my memories were made with Na Jeong. So this is it, I thought... How a life looks when it's destroyed. I stood in the midst of it all, uncaring about the broken glass now cutting my feet. The rubble that remained is what seems only fitting for a broken man like me.

## Na Jeong

After I closed the door behind me, I closed my eyes and thought of what he would be doing. Would he go back to bed, defeated? Would he be putting his shoes on running after me, like my Joon would? I turned around and leaned my forehead against his door, my hand on the handle. I stayed standing there, separated from him by merely a door, but feeling like the chasm between us is so much further.

The sounds coming from the apartment startled me. I heard something like glass smash against the wall, closely followed by something else. Within a few minutes I heard the never-ending cacophony of things being broken, things being shattered. Wanting to do something but knowing that Joon has to go through this on his own, I stayed outside his door, wanting to be there for him in the only way I knew how to. People, like things, have to break sometimes so they can be put together again. I should know... I was broken too.

"Joon-ah..." I whispered. "You can't hear me or see me right now, but I'm still here. I love you. Come back... Please come back to me."

When finally I heard silence, I released the breath that I didn't knew I holding. I gathered my composure and made my way home. It's just another bad day. Bad days have to happen for good days to seem even better, right? This is what I tell myself even as I took the elevator down, my heart heavy.

Waiting for the bus to come, I couldn't help but think back on his words. Slivers of pain bore through me, his words raw and biting in my ears. I tried to keep my composure intact, but I couldn't help but wonder if that's really how he saw me.

Does he really think that I've had it easy all my life? I could never claim to have worked as hard as he's had to, but I certainly didn't get my life handed to me either. I know I'm lucky. I know that. But can I be with someone who thinks so lowly of me?

As I sat down on the bus, I thought that he was over what happened six years ago, but I guess a part of him still hasn't forgotten. At least he's talking now. At least he's finally speaking up. I can handle his anger. Even his rage. It's preferable to the uncomfortable silence that we've been living in for weeks. Taking one step forward, but always two steps back.

Can I do this? Can I really do this? I thought about whether he was intentionally trying to hackle me. Whether he was knowingly pushing me away. Is this still part of the test? Was this what his mother meant, months and months ago?

November 17, 2000

I stood at the door that led to Joon's mother's house, unsure of what to expect. I shifted the weight of the two shopping bags on my hands, silently wishing I had triple checked her list. I would hate to have to go back out... she said she only had a couple of hours to spare.

I slowly push the doorbell to inform her of my arrival. Wearing just a plain shirt and jeans, I hope that maybe she will look at me a little friendlier than the first time we met.

She answered the bell within five minutes. Greeting her politely, I stepped into her home in hesitant steps. She pointedly looked down to the floor when I got to her entryway. I spotted a pair of new slippers and realized she must want me to wear them while I'm here. Getting the hint, I quickly untied my laces and slipped my feet into them.

She led me to the living room and asked me to take a seat after dropping off the groceries on the kitchen counter. I sat down and pulled out my notebook.

"I'm about to make an important call, but I won't be long. Please make yourself comfortable," she said as she walked to another room with her phone.

I sat still for about two minutes before I started looking around from where I was sitting. Her apartment was very clean, very nicely decorated. It could be in a magazine... But then thinking about Joon's mother, dressed in a shirtdress and looking beautiful, could be featured in one too. There was something off though.

I haven't seen Joon in days, not since the dinner at Samcheonpo's. He hasn't shown up at the house or answered any of my emails still. If I was someone else I probably would have taken the hint, but I'm Sung Na Jeong... Which is why rather than listening when he says we have no future together, I am here at his mother's house trying to feed my way back to his heart. Great plan, right? Hey... I never said I was brilliant... Just persistent.

Restless now, I stood up and walked around the apartment. I looked at all the books in their neat little rows. I studied some nature landscape pictures on the wall. And then it hit me. What was off with this house. As beautiful as it is, it felt... Clinical. Cold.

Everything was in place to make it appear like a home. But it didn't feel like anyone actually LIVED here. Once again I was struck by how different this was from my own home. My parents have kept all the drawings both I and Hoon Oppa made in school. They kept pictures of us in frames, displayed all over the house. There were no pictures of Joon here. Nothing from his childhood... And nothing from recently either. He's told me before that his family is not like mine... But it never really hit me how different they really were. Until now. A lump formed in my throat unexpectedly.

I sat back down on the sofa and waited for Joon's mother to come back. I was still trying to get a handle on my emotions when I heard her voice coming from the kitchen.

"Na Jeong-ssi, are you ready?" She called out.

I stood up and joined her in the kitchen. I opened the bags I brought with me. I felt her eyes on me as I lifted the ingredients from the bag.

"Na Jeong-ssi... I only have one son," she said drily. "Are we feeding a dozen people?"

"No, Professor Park. I was afraid I would mess up so I brought two of everything. Just in case," I responded sheepishly.

She looked over all the stuff I brought and then said, "I don't remember asking you to bring ginger. You don't need it."

"My Omma always uses ginger in all her kimchi. So I thought I will try it too." I took my pen out and started crossing off the list that she gave me as I perused the items on the table. Once satisfied that I had everything, I turned to a blank page. I am so nervous with Joon's Omma studying me. I cleared my throat and waited for her to begin. She handed me an apron and she put one on as well.

"The first thing we have to do is wash the daikon and then slice them," she instructed, pulling a colander out of her bottom cupboard. "You need to scrub..."

"Yes, Professor Park. I know how to do that part." I gave her a small smile as I walked to the sink with the radishes. Thankful for the sound of water to cut through the silence, I focused all my energy in making sure they were fully scrubbed and cleaned before transferring them to the colander.

Seeing that she already had a cutting board ready, I lift the knife and started slicing them into little discs, then into small cubes.

"Don't cut them so small, Na Jeong-ssi," I heard her say. "Joon likes his radish kimchi in big chunks."

I nodded and continued my task. Professor Park watched me quietly and I kept my eyes on my knife. I don't want to slice myself accidentally and mess up her spotless home. Feeling self-conscious, I carefully placed the cubes on the two bowls she had put out and waited for her next instruction. She handed me the salt.

"Sprinkle a bit of salt on it and then toss and coat all the radish in it. We have to wait half an hour to drain them."

"Okay." Half an hour? What will we talk about for half an hour? I was thinking about safe topics to talk about when she spoke again.

"We can mix the rest of the ingredients while waiting."

Grateful to be doing something, I mixed the rice powder and water and put it on the stove to low heat. While waiting for that to be ready, I quickly minced the salted shrimp, fresh shrimp and garlic. I grated the ginger and put it aside. Seeing that the paste was done, I set it to cool on the side. I was looking for anything else to do when Joon's mother spoke.

"You seem to know your way around a kitchen, Na Jeong-ssi," she commented.

"My Omma runs a boarding house," I responded. "I usually help her make meals for the boarders."

"And your father?"

"He's a baseball coach," I answered, checking to make sure the rice powder paste had adequately cooled by putting a little bit on my hand. Satisfied that it was, I started mixing the other ingredients into it, leaving out the fish sauce and gochujaru, wanting to adjust those to her specifications. I was about to ask her how much to add of each when I turned and saw her looking at me. Joon's eyes, I thought nervously. Those are Joon's eyes. It suddenly hit me, the lengths I'm prepared to go through for him, and my heart squeezed inside my chest. "How... How much do I add of these?" I stammered.

She lifted the gochujaru and handed it to me. "You'll need at least 2/3 cup of this. Don't be shy. Joon likes his kimchi spicy," she said briskly. "But you only need two tablespoons of the fish sauce. That's the clincher. I'm glad you bought the brand I specified. That's what makes the difference." I nodded and followed her instructions.

"How did you meet my son?" She asked, her tone curious but polite.

"Binggr... Ahhh, Dong Joon moved into our boarding house when he started at Yonsei. Jae Joon helped him move in," I said, draining the radish cubes on the colander again. "That's when I met him."

"You must have known who he was, surely," she said. "He made big news when he was recruited by Yonsei University Baseball."

"No, Professor Park. We moved from Masan right before I started going to university. And I didn't follow baseball." I had to bite my tongue from admitting that I follow baseball now, but only because of Joon. So basically I follow Joon. Like a stalker. I cringed at myself even as I donned the gloves from the side of the cutting board, ready to mix the daikon and paste together. I shifted my attention to the bowls of radish and added the paste and the scallions. She watched as I meticulously spread the paste onto all the cubes. "I didn't even know how popular he was until he ordered burgers one night for the team."

"And how did you know that radish kimchi was his favourite?" She asked. I didn't meet her eyes as I answered.

"We were..." I started then cleared my throat. "We are friends." I think. I wasn't lying... I am his friend... Yeah, a friend who's in love with him that he once loved. And we were friends. Friends who have kissed. Friends who kiss. I blushed and kept my eyes down. I began placing the radish into the big jar I brought with me.

"Does he know your feelings for him run deeper than just friendship?" Surprised by her question, I lifted my hands from the jar and looked at her questioningly. "I am a woman Na Jeong-ssi, and I know my son. He's not one to open up and share information about himself easily. And I certainly have never had anyone just come up to me and ask to learn how to make his favourite dish before." I closed the jar tightly. "So, does he know?"

"Yes. I'm not one to hide my feelings," I admitted. She raised one eyebrow at me. "He's been in my life for so long I didn't realize it six years ago, but I have fallen in love with him."

She looked away, removing the gloves from her hands before heading towards the sink. "Convenient then, that he is now a success," she said, her back to me. "I suppose that success does make a man more attractive." It took me only a few minutes to process what she said and I felt myself tense up at what she's implying. Trying to control my temper, I was searching for the right response when I heard her proceed. "I don't blame you, Na Jeong-ssi. Uri Jae Joon is a catch indeed."

"I don't care what Joon does or how much he makes," I said, my voice low. She still had her hands under the sink and I fought to keep my voice from rising.

"You appear to be a fairly intelligent woman," she said, turning the water off before drying her hand on a towel. She turned to me and met my gaze. "You must know that he won't be playing baseball forever."

"So what does that mean?" I asked, feeling my face flush in anger. I know what she's getting at, but I want to hear it from her mouth.

"Don't get angry. Na Jeong-ssi. I'm only trying to determine if you understand that his glory days won't last forever. He's naive, really, to bank his whole life on a profession like that. But foresight has never been one of Joon's strengths. His baseball days will end and he will be back to square one," she said. "If he ever loses that shoulder, he will just be another has been, thinking about his almost success."

I felt my hands ball into fists on my sides. "Why are you telling me this?" Indignation tore through me and my gaze darkened. I cannot believe his own mother would talk about him this way. Does she talk about him like this to other people too?

"All I'm saying is this. Woman to woman. If you were looking for a life of comfort, Joon is not a sure bet. You'd be better off pursuing a doctor, or a lawyer."

"I already said I wasn't interested in Joon's money. I have a degree and a career of my own. Your son is worth so much more than baseball. His worth is not determined by that. Those things aren't important. Not to me."

"Jae Joon is not an easy person to get to know. He was a very quiet child, very introspective. He's used to being alone and on his own. As an adult, he seems a bit like a sleeping lion. He has a horrid temper when it comes out," she said.

"So do I." I sighed and looked at her. Joon may be used to being alone, but it doesn't mean that he liked it, thinking back on how he used to enjoy his time at the boarding house, surrounded by all of us. "There really is no reason for you to point out Joon's shortcomings to me. I love him, whatever those are. I already know a few and if I find out the rest, I'm positive I can handle those too." I turned around and took my gloves off. Noticing my shaky hands, I tried to steady them as I lifted the jar onto the bag I brought. I was about to thank her for her time and leave when she said my name.

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi... Have you ever seen a man defeated?" Turning back to her, I saw that she was watching me very closely. "Have you ever seen a grown man break down and question everything in his life?" When I didn't respond, she continued on. "Ever since he was young, Jae Joon has done a fine job of hiding everything and carrying everything on his own, but I fear that one day everything will fall apart and he will crumble from the weight of it all. Are you prepared to handle that?"

I took a deep breath before responding. "If he wants me, I will be by his side through whatever he goes through. If he accepts my heart, I will never let him go." I paused before proceeding. "If he feels weak, I will hold him up. And if he falls, I will catch him and support him until he can stand again."

"And if he won't get back up?" She met my eyes directly, her gaze unyielding. "Men are not like..."

"THEN I'LL CARRY HIM IF I HAVE TO!" I responded, a bit louder than I had expected. "You're wrong about him... He is stronger than you give him credit for. No matter what happens now or in the future, I will never let him go. I knew what I was getting myself into. I am my Appa's daughter. I am very well aware that his profession comes with conditions. My love for him does not."

I thought I saw a look of approval on her face but then it was gone. Her gaze finally relented and she gave me a small smile. "I will hold you to that, Na Jeong-ah." At her use of my name familiarly, I looked down, not knowing how to respond.

"That doesn't matter anyway. He doesn't love me."

"Really? And still you came here and did this?" She asked, gesturing over the kimchi jar.

"I didn't do this for myself. I'm not even planning on telling him I made this for him."

"I'm afraid I don't follow your reasoning. What's the use of doing all this work if you don't get credit for it?" She asked, genuinely puzzled.

"People do things out of love all the time just because. He loves your radish kimchi, so I made it for him. To me, it's just that simple. It doesn't matter if he knows it was me or not."

"He'll know," she said, the smile still on her face. "And it may not matter to you, but it will to him."

Confused by her certainty, I washed my hands and dried them before speaking again. "Either way... I did this for him and not myself." Looking at the clock behind her, I realized that I've been here half an hour longer than she had intended me to be. "I'm sorry Professor Park... It seems that I've imposed on you longer than I realized." I picked up the bag from the counter and said, "Thank you for your time and the recipe. I'll be going."

I walked towards the door and was changing back into my shoes when I saw her in front of me. I stood up and she held her hand to me.

"Na Jeong-ah, let's meet again sometime." I took her hand and shook it gently.

"Professor Park, I don't really see how we'll ever have the opportunity to meet again. But thank you anyway," I said.

"Oh, I get the feeling we'll meet again," she answered. She gave my shoulder a squeeze before opening the front door. "Good luck."

The miracle had happened. Joon never stopped loving me. Can I make it happen again? Can I love him in a way that he can understand? I rested my head against the bus window as I made my way home. My heart continued to search for an answer. When it found none, I wrapped my arms around myself. I rode around on the bus a few times around before I finally allowed myself home.

## August 20, 2001

## Na Jeong

I stared at the pregnancy test and wondered If I should laugh or cry. It was negative. Not pregnant with Joon's baby. I should have felt grateful, thankful that I wasn't pregnant. The timing is not right and with the way things were right now between me and him, I should have felt overjoyed that I had escaped the possible clutches of a child joining my life with his for as long as it lived. Not that it mattered. My life is already connected with his with or without a child. Nevertheless, I should be happy. I am happy. I'm relieved.

Then why is my face wet? I feel tears running down my eyes and I closed my eyes. Silent sobs overtaking me, I am unable to hold back as I cried for what could have been. A little boy, with Joon's face, with his smile. That's what I would have wanted. A little life with his eyes and his laugh. A chance to undo the sins of the past.

I knew what I was getting into. Joon's Omma had told me. What I didn't know was how big an impact his childhood had on him. I have underestimated its impact. My heart felt heavy in my chest as I thought of three nights ago. I've stayed away from him, hoping that some distance would draw him out. Instead he seemed to pull further back into his shell.

Hugging my knees to my chest, I felt helpless and powerless, unable to banish the demons that are haunting him. He may think he's going through this alone, but does he not know that my life is now intertwined with his? Whatever pain he's feeling, I feel it too. Every cut and every tear. Every single time. My hands are tied together... I can do nothing unless he reaches out to hold them in his.

His words echoed in my ears loudly, angry and bitter, accusing and untrusting. They broke through my consciousness... But there were others too... Other memories, fighting and begging to be remembered. Visions of Joon since I've met him, before I loved him. The night at Samcheonpo, the first night he kissed me. The day I thought I lost him, the day of the Sampoong Department Store collapse. The night before he left for Japan, his hands so warm holding mine, his face hopeful but accepting. New Year's Eve... The night that changed everything. The words on his letter blurred my tears...

I am in love with you. Be happy. See yourself the way I've always seen you.

The way his heart always beat under my palm, the way his eyes always looked at me... Wary, vulnerable, in love. The way he said my name almost reverently as we kissed in the rain. All the times we made love... The way his hands strummed my body into a melody only he and I knew. The look in his eyes as he said goodbye. "I will always find you. I will always come back to you. I am always yours." The way he kissed his ring tenderly at the game as he stood alone. The way he pressed his forehead on mine, the day I left San Francisco, before everything shattered and broke. I lift the frame up and held it close to my chest as I curled into myself, sobs overtaking me, the sounds escaping from somewhere inside me. Past and present collided in my head, my heart overwhelmed by pain and love, both in almost the same quantity.

Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't even realize that I was no longer alone. I opened my eyes to see my mother standing hesitantly by the door, watching me in sympathy. She walked slowly towards me and I felt my shoulders shake, unable to control the cries, unable to stop. Wordlessly she sat on the side of my bed, as if looking for the right words to say and unable to find them, climbed onto the bed and took me in her arms, like she did when I was little and would cry out for Hoon Oppa. I clutched at her, wanting to feel something tangible and real, and her hands tenderly brushed my hair and rubbed my back, even as she stayed silent. My tears intensified when it hit me that Joon never had this. He's never known this. I cried for the little boy who's always stood alone. And for the broken man who still couldn't accept love because he's never known what it really meant.

"Omma," I said brokenly, not knowing where to start.

"Shhh," she said, softly. "Cry it out. Let it all out. Omma's here."

"I... I don't know what to do... Joon... He's hurting and I can't do anything," I said. "I feel like I am doing nothing but make his life more difficult... Nothing I'm doing is working. What do I do? What can I do? This hurts. I don't know if I can handle it."

"If it hurts that much, then let him go," I heard her say sharply and I lifted my head up to look at her face. Her eyes were veiled and she was watching my face closely. "If you can't handle it, then give it up. Life only gets harder once you found the one you love."

"I'm scared to do anything, afraid to hurt him, afraid to say something that might wound him in some way. I'm a coward."

"Love makes cowards of us all. Having things to lose, having precious things, having things that matter, makes us all afraid. Even the most courageous and most valiant... In the face of losing that which he loves most, will fall to his knees. The key... The key is to not let fear take over," she said, looking at me directly. "Do you love him?"

"Omma, you know I do," I said.

"I know you think you do. And I know you feel it. But do you love him enough to go through this with him? Because that's what he needs from you. Not your pity. Let me tell you something... A man will take pity from everyone... Except the woman he loves." She paused and took a deep breath, her hand on the side of my face, before continuing. "You need to love him enough to fight for the two of you, even if it means fighting him. Are you ready to do that? Because if you're not, the battle has already been lost and you'd do well to let this go before you two hurt each other even more."

I thought on her words even as the tears continued to fall. "I will never let him go. If I let Joon go, I will regret it for the rest of my life. For me... For me, it's Joon. No matter what."

"That's my girl." Omma looked at me and smiled, then brushed my tears away with her fingers. "My beautiful daughter... You've grown up a lot. We were worried, for a while..."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You've always been kind and loving, but for a long time you had your head up in the clouds... Growing up after losing your Hoon Oppa. You were once so afraid of changing that you stayed firmly in the past. So afraid to take chances... So intent on staying the same. Looking at you now, I know that you've really grown. Loving Joon made you into the woman I always knew you would be and I couldn't be more proud... And I know Appa is too."

"Omma," I said. "I can love him... But I can't do it if he won't let me."

"He loves you. Perhaps even more than he loves himself. I knew it years ago, but I know it even more so now. I've seen the way he looks at you when he thinks no one's looking... I've seen the way he smiles at you. There will be no one else for him. And I could never have asked for a better man for you. He brings out the best in you. He encourages you to be better. He makes you question yourself and challenges you to look at the world differently. What more could I possibly want?"

"I'm not sure if he and I will make it through this. I don't know if we're strong enough."

"This is but another trial that you two need to get through. You'll look back on this one day and realize that this is the moment that decided your fate. Saying I love you is very different from actually making the decision to love each other, no matter how much it hurts. You're doing it consciously, making that choice. That's what makes the difference." She held me close for a few more minutes before she spoke again. "Now that you've cried, you need to dry your tears. He needs you now more than ever and you cannot... You must not waver. Remember this, my daughter, only love will make a man show both the best and worst of himself to a woman. Sometimes at the same time. Everyone can accept the best, but if you can't accept his worst, then what's the point?" She gave me one last reassuring hug before getting up. She was almost at the door when she turned back around to address me one more time. "Joon forgot something though..."

"What did he forget?" I asked quietly, looking at her.

"He forgot who he fell in love with. Uri Sung Na Jeong... You're made of the good stuff. The strong stuff." She paused and smiled before proceeding. "Joon is, too. He will realize it soon enough."

She walked out of my room and closed the door quietly behind her. Once alone, I stayed sitting up with my legs close to my chest. I looked out the windows and hugged my puppy close to me. I stayed like that, in silence, thinking about what Omma just told me.

I wish Joon would just talk to me. If he just talked to me, really talked to me, I can at least try to understand where he's coming from and what he's going through. But he's blocked me out completely.

I need to develop another game plan. It's always worked in the past, and I'm positive I can make it work now. I stood up and walked to my table to get my notebook and do what I always did when I was unsure and confused. When I didn't find it there I searched my mind for a moment, feeling a bit more positive now that I had something else to do, something I, at least, had some control over. I opened all the dresser drawers and still was unsuccessful. I was about to just grab a piece of paper when I remembered where I'd put it. Opening my closet, I breathed a sigh of relief when I spotted it on top of my carryon bag, the bag I used when I visited Joon in San Francisco.

I was about to pull it out when a brightly wrapped box caught my attention. It was the birthday present Joon gave me before I left. I kept it wrapped, waiting for him to come home so that we can open it together. I lifted it up and tried to figure out what it could be. Too heavy for jewellery, too light to be a book, curious now, I put a sweater on before walking back to the bed with it.

Carefully peeling off the red wrapper, I tried to remember what he told me about it, if he had told me about it. The only thing I remember is him giving me instructions not to open it until I got home. I lifted the lid slowly to discover two identical slim notebooks, both leather bound, both more elegant than the one I have. I smiled when I realized that Joon, knowing my penchance for writing and planning, had bought this for me.

I traced a finger over the binding, over the luxurious sheath of papers within. I pulled out my pen to start filling it up when I was greeted by Joon's masculine handwriting on the inside cover of the first book and the second book as well. The first one was dated 2000 the second 2001.

Confused I flipped the page to the first entry, dated January 21, 2000, the day he left me. Joon had written on it when he was in the airport, I realized with a start. He wrote why he had to leave, wrote how he had felt. I knew it hadn't been easy, for either one of us, but I don't think I ever understood really how much it took out of him to make that decision, or how hurt he had been as well.

My tears blurring the words I flipped page after page of journal entries, at least one every other day when he was gone, detailing how lonely he was, how much he missed me. How he hated himself for thinking about me, how he can't seem to stop. How he worried for me, how he wondered if I remembered him, if I still loved ddukbokki. He wrote that he thought of me for two minutes every game, wishing I was there, wishing he was here, wishing things were different.

I saw bits and pieces of his life when he was gone... a picture he took of the gloves my parents sent him, a reminder in red to call them every Friday, a note to himself to send Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo a congratulatory card when they got engaged. There was an entry on May 22, and it only said one thing: Happy Birthday, Na Jeong-ah.

Tears were falling from my eyes, smudging the words on the book that I held. I tried to wipe them away but they didn't seem to be stopping. The journal entries continued even when he came home... detailing every interaction he had with me since, how scared he was that he wanted so badly to believe me when I told him I loved him, his fears in admitting how much he still loved me.

The second book... the second book had been started too, but his journal entries were replaced with memories of us. A picture on New Year's Eve, a picture on his birthday. A picture at the park, a picture in San Francisco, a picture of all the roses he'd impulsively bought. There was the list of the plans he'd made when I visit him, a recipe for ddukbokki. A line here and there, saying how he loved me more than I can even imagine, how he missed me more than I will ever know.

Every single memory, contained in two notebooks. Our whole relationship, chronicled from the beginning until all of this happened. Joon's heart, wide open, only for me to see.

I choked on a sob when I realized that this was his gift, for me to see through his eyes, to see what he never permitted me, or anyone else, to see before. He gave me himself, not the person that everyone else knows, but the person he is behind all that. The person who loves me. His thoughts, his feelings, the moments I didn't get to share with him. He was giving them all to me.

I realized now that the whole time he had been saying that he will always find me that what he really wanted was for me to find him. He had given me all the clues, all the pieces that will lead me to him. It was as if he left a trail, marked only by love.

I thought I had reached the last page of his memories, when I turned one more page and discovered a letter for me, dated the day that I left San Francisco, timed when he was supposed to be on his run.

Na Jeong-ah,

There is this house... the home that I always dreamt of. It's founded on trust, nailed together by faith. It's decorated in muted shades of respect and compromise. It's topped off with hope and it's reinforced by love. In the middle of this home is you.

There are sparkles all over the house that we live in, glittering and beautiful. It's the hopes and dreams that you and I have, for ourselves and for each other. It's the memories we share, the spoils from the battles we've fought and won.

I wasn't always sure if you and I were meant to be, but I know that however it had happened, whether it was through fate or free will, that you are meant for me. I had made that decision a long time ago, and it was the easiest I have ever made. Remember this if you remember nothing else... I would have made that choice over and over again.

In any universe. In any lifetime.

I will always choose you.

One day... when I have more courage and I am more worthy I will ask you to be my wife. Until then I will prepare to make sure I can provide for you the life that you deserve.

One day... when I am the man you believe me to be, we will have our children. Children who I wish will look only like you, who will have your spirit and your kind heart. I would happily spend my life with reminders of why I fell in love with you in the first place and how lucky I am that you chose me.

One day... when we're old and grey, I will sit with you on our porch and laugh about these days, I will ask you to dance and you will say yes. We will speak of the life we had shared and the love that we have. I will continue to hold your hand, carefully and lovingly, the same way I always strived to hold your heart.

We will part again soon, and it will feel like I am losing you once more, but I would willingly go through that if it means that I get to find you again, that I get to love you again, that I get to discover you again, the next time we meet, as it had happened every other time before. Even when my mind is too weak and frail to even remember my name, my heart will always remember you.

My memories are the only things I really own, and I am giving them to you. The good and the bad, hoping that even after knowing them all that you will still see me, that you will still love me. Please take care of them the way you've taken care of my heart, the way that only you can.

I love you, Sung Na Jeong. Happy birthday.

Yours, Then, Now and Always,

Joon

I closed the books and held them both to my chest as the tears continued to fall. My heart clamped inside me, aching to hold him, wishing that I could take all the pain that he was feeling away. The reminders of our past and our recent present just brought home to me what was at stake, and now more than ever I knew that I could never, that I would never, give up on him, that I would never give up on us.

I placed the notebooks in my bedside drawer and pulled out my handphone. I left him a message when he didn't pick up, hoping that he would find comfort in my voice, hoping that he would be reminded, too, of how much I love him.

I cannot waver, I told myself.

I laid down on my side and looked at the picture of us at the park in front me. I looked at the way he was gazing at me, the way his hand rested lovingly on my hair. His mouth upturned into a smile, his face the picture of happiness.

Joon promised me he'll always come back to me. I will fight for him, just like he fought for me all those years ago. This is my choice. The future... the future is ours, and it doesn't have to be dictated by his past, or mine.

## August 22, 2001

## 8:00 a.m.

## Na Jeong

I heard the ring-tone coming from my purse as I was just getting up. Exhausted, I was tempted to let it go straight to voicemail, but in the unlikely event that it was Joon, I found myself getting up from the bed only to see an unidentified number as the caller. I picked up the call and placed the hand phone to my ear before saying a quiet hello.

There was hesitation on the other end of the line before I heard a hesitant voice come on. "Hello, Sung Na Jeong-ssi. Na Jeong-ah... This is, uhmm, this is Joon's Omma. Jae Joon's Omma."

Surprised I was quiet for a moment before I found my voice. "Ahh... Yes, Omonim," I said, trying to make sure my voice sounded pleasant and welcoming. "Is everything okay?"

"That's what I was going to ask, Na Jeong-ah. I called Dong Joon's Omma this morning and was informed that Jae Joon was back. How is it that my son has been back for a few weeks and I am the last person to know?"

"Omonim... I'm sure Joon would have called you... But this return home was a bit unexpected," I explained. Unsure of whether it was my place to fill her in, I decided to wait for her questions instead. The last time I saw his mother wasn't exactly the most cordial of meetings.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on or am I going to have to guess?" She asked, concerned. "I've called Joon's phone several times today to no avail. And he is not replying to the messages I left on his voicemail."

"Omonim," I started, before taking a deep breath. I have to tell her. The country will know soon enough and even as little as I knew of her, she would feel hurt if she was the last one to find out. "Omonim... Joon was injured. In San Francisco. The Giants won't be renewing his contract and he's still weighing his options."

"Is it his shoulder?" She continued. "If it is, then he'll have surgery. That's fixable."

"It is his shoulder. But Omonim, he doesn't want surgery. It's his body. He should decide what's best, right?" I tried to keep my voice neutral even as a part of me wanted to ask her not to make any decisions for him. Joon is his own man. "If he doesn't want surgery, then he should be entitled not to."

"You can make him have it, Na Jeong-ah..."

"I can't make Joon do anything."

"On the contrary. You are, perhaps, the only one who can. Joon will hide and run, trying to avoid the issue for as long as possible."

"That's already happened, Omonim," I said resignedly. "I am probably the last person Joon wants to talk to at the moment. I'm not going to keep trying to push my way onto him..."

"Why not? You do it with everyone else." I felt my hackles rise at the implication when I heard her chuckle. "Na Jeong-ah... My son is very difficult to handle when he's like this. I understand that."

"Omonim. Even at his worst, he's still the best man I know. I haven't changed my mind about him."

"I was just making sure you remembered," she responded. She stayed silent for a few minutes before speaking again. "So, that means you're not giving up on him, right?"

"I'M NOT!" I said indignantly. It felt good to feel the spark come back inside my chest. It fuelled my courage to say whatever was on my mind. "I told you I am never going to give up on him! I'm marrying him! Don't forget!"

She laughed outright then and I felt myself warm up to her. She reacts to me the way Joon always does, the way Joon always did... Before any of this happened. "Point taken. Na Jeong-ah... I think I understand now, why my son fell in love with you. When he first mentioned you to me six years ago, I thought that you couldn't possibly be as brave and lovely as he described."

I thought back on what she said before it registered. "Omonim... I... I thought you said Joon never mentioned me."

"Did I?" She asked, amusement in her voice.

"Yes... Yes you did. When I went to your class the first time."

"Well, you said that uri Joon didn't love you either. So we're even." I held the phone away from my ear to mutter how is it possible that this family was so competitive when I heard her laugh again. "Na Jeong-ah, I can still hear you," she said as I put the receiver back to my ear. "I'm glad he has you, you know." Her voice was quiet now, thoughtful. "I made a lot of mistakes when I was younger and I was afraid Joon was going to pay for them for the rest of his life."

"Omonim..."

"I followed your suggestion and started watching his games and reading news articles online. And despite my errors, it appears that you're right... Uri Jae Joon has grown up to be a remarkable man. Thank you for loving him." I was still searching for an appropriate response when she proceeded. "I have to go, Na Jeong-ah... I have a class to teach and it seems I have to track my son down. I think it's about due time he and I spoke, don't you think so?"

"Yes." Afraid I was going to start bossing her around, I left it at that. Whatever I think they should speak of, I already mentioned the last time I saw her.

"I'll call again, Na Jeong-ah... Since we're going to be in laws and everything." She chuckled again and hung up the call before I could respond.

Not entirely sure how to react I sat back down on the bed. I think a talk between Joon and his mother would be nothing if not beneficial. Reminding myself to call him later, I looked at my watch I saw that I was running late and quickly readied myself for work. I must stay focused.

## August 22, 2001

## 4:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

I was slipping a sweatshirt over my head when I heard the pounding on my door, accompanied by the endless ringing of the doorbell. Seeing that it was Dong Joon, I walked over and opened the door silently.

He walked in, trying not to step on anything that was still on the floor. I saw him shake his head at me before stopping in the middle of the living room. I reclaimed my position on the couch and sat down. I stopped taking the pain medication days ago. My shoulder ached and I'm confused. The last few days have been miserable but it finally feels like the haze is lifting.

The apartment feels even more exceptionally empty without Na Jeong. I haven't seen her in five days, haven't heard from her in just as long.

I closed my eyes as my mind automatically went back to the last time she was here, hurt and anger was written on her face. The last five days without her made me realize that I needed to have a plan before approaching her again. This issue wasn't just about us... I recognize this now and I need to resolve some things first. I owed her that much.

"Yah Chilbong-ah... When are you going to clean this mess up?" I opened one eye to see Binggrae motioning around the apartment. "How long has it been like this?"

"Calm down, Dong Joon-ah... It hasn't been that long. And I thought something was wrong. Were you trying to knock or ring my door down?"

"This is dangerous! There's glass on the floor!"

"Why are you here?" I asked. "Is it to lecture me?"

"Your mother has been blowing up my phone. She said she can't get a hold of you," he responded, picking up a wrapper of some sort from the couch before sitting himself down. "Where's Na Jeong? I'm surprised this place is a pigsty. She's obsessed with cleanliness."

"Na Jeong left me," I said with a strained voice. "I don't blame her... I'm an asshole."

Dong Joon looked at me for a few minutes before speaking again. "What did you do?"

Accused her of loving me for my money and success. Brought up every mistake she's ever made with me. Held the fact that she grew up loved by her family against her. Rejected the possibility of a child together. At this last thought, my heart throbbed painfully inside me. "What didn't I do?" I ran a frustrated hand through my hair. "I fucked up."

"Well at least you acknowledge this. I'm surprised that I didn't hear about you guys fighting. She usually tells Yoon Jin everything, who tells Samcheonpo, who tells Haitai, who tells me..." His voice trailed off and he smiled. I was about to ask him what was so funny when he spoke again. "That's good. That's a good thing."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing. Don't worry about it. So what's going on with your shoulder?" He asked casually and I surmised Na Jeong must have told him. As if reading my mind, he said, "Your season's not over and you're home. You've been guarding your right side since I came in. I am a medical resident. All the years of studying is not wasted, you know."

"I have a couple of tears on my shoulder. It's going to derail my career and my life."

"That's a bit dramatic, Joon-ah, even for you," he answered.

"I was thinking of proposing to Na Jeong before this happened. And now... How can I? I've tried to look for other options, only to be told I'm an 'unstable investment'. How would you feel after being told by everyone that you have no value beyond what you do?" I looked at him directly. "It's thrown me off... And I've been having nightmares, too."

"About your parents?" He asked. When I nodded, he looked contemplative before proceeding. "That's understandable. You have pretty much avoided dealing with that since we were young. I should have made you talk about it then. But you're stubborn as hell and now it's come back to bite you in the ass. You know what you're having?"

"What?"

"An existential crisis. Everyone will go through it at one point in their lives. Questioning who they are... Questioning what they're worth... Questioning where they belong... It's normal, under the circumstances."

"So what do I do?"

"Deal with all the things that are bothering you. Address your issues one by one. This whole defeated thing... It's just not you. You're the guy who doesn't give up. Despite the odds. Despite what others say. You don't give up."

"Baseball did that. It was always my motivation."

"Baseball didn't do that. You did. You need to stop putting so much of what you're worth on baseball. Baseball may have helped you along but growing up the way you did... Becoming the person you are... That was all you," he said, his eyes never leaving mine. "Give yourself some of the credit at least. Especially when it comes to Na Jeong. It was due to your persistence and hard work that won her eventually. So get your shit together before..."

I know what he's telling me. I understand what he's getting at. "I know, I know... Get my shit together before I lose her for good."

"No," he said, shaking his head and chuckling. "Before she takes matters into her own hands and beats you senseless. Yah... Do you still not know your woman? Na Jeong will never give up on you... But she is not above in making everyone suffer to get what she wants... And that includes you. But more importantly, that also includes us!" I looked at him questioningly as he continued to laugh. "Aissh... Do you know what happened the last time you made her mad? After you left for San Francisco without a word? We couldn't eat ddukbokki for months! We got yelled at for not telling her that your flight landed safely and we could never mention your name for fear she would blow up! We always changed the TV channels when your CFs was playing and hide all the papers or magazines articles related to you. Samcheonpo made the mistake once and mentioned your name... Once! And she beat him up with a pillow! A pillow! And Yoon Jin even took her side! Don't even get me started on the silent treatment she gave us when she found out that we knew about your weekly phone calls to her parents. She didn't talk to any of us for a week! You have no idea how scary that woman can be."

I smiled for the first time in what felt like forever in spite of myself. Uri Na Jeong-ie is really something else. "That was before this though. She doesn't speak much nowadays. I can barely get a reaction out of her."

"You should feel flattered. You're not the easiest person to deal with when you're like this. She's probably trying to be understanding... Giving you some time. Do you know how unnatural it is for her to leave things be and stay quiet? It's even scarier than her blowing up..." He shuddered as he spoke.

"When did you get so perceptive about women?" I asked.

"I have a wife now. And she reads those magazines. I bet Na Jeong reads them too, right?" He gave me a knowing look. "How to deal with a depressed partner: Give him space. Let him think about it. That's what those magazines always say. They don't take into account that you're not just any other man. And Na Jeong... Well, she's obviously not just any other woman. To be honest, you're a brave man. For taking her on."

"What do you mean?" I don't care if he's my cousin... If he's talking shit about Na Jeong...

He put his hands up in surrender before responding. "Don't get angry with me. All I'm saying is that she is a little hard to handle. Most men would not be able to handle her temper. They'll either try to suppress it or let her get away with everything. But she listens to you. You're probably the only one who can calm her down just by being around. We risked our lives and limbs just to stay in contact with you... That's how angry she was. Now YOU have to suck it up and do the same for us. We all have wives and Haitai has a girlfriend. If you and Na Jeong don't make up, the women will take her side and us men will be living in tyranny for the rest of our lives. She has this crazy influence with them..." He paused then looked at me. "Do you really want all of us to die?" When I didn't respond right away, he said, "Don't be an idiot. Make up with her. If you care for any of us at all. And I don't think it would be that much of a sacrifice for you anyway."

"It's not that simple. She... She might be pregnant."

Dong Joon looked surprised for a minute but not alarmed. "So what if she is? You're going to marry her anyways... You said so yourself that that's the direction you'll be heading at some point. Besides, you two will make great parents."

"How can you say that with certainty? Knowing what you know of my childhood? And how can I support her and a baby without a job?"

"Joon-ah... I know your childhood. But I also know her. And most of all I know you. YOU. ARE. NOT. YOUR. PARENTS. As for the job thing... You two will find a way to make it work. You of all people should know that money doesn't fix everything. Money can always be earned. But love? Happiness? You can't buy either of those. Well, maybe some people can but you don't want those bought anyway. Not when it's already rightfully yours." I watched as he stood up and started making his way towards the door. He turned around when he was almost there and spoke again. "I almost forgot the reason I came for. Your mother wants you over at dinner at 7 p.m. sharp... Which is in two hours. She said to let you know that this was not a request and if you don't show up... It's MY ass on the line. I guess you should probably get cleaned up because you're looking rough."

He opened the door and walked out muttering under his breath, "Aissh... Why are the women in your life so bossy and so hard to deal with? Aissh... Why in the world do they take it out on me? Do I look like an easy target? Aissh..." His muttering ended when the door closed behind him.

I'll think about what he said when I get home later. Right now I have to meet my Omma. I think it may be time to actually deal with some of my issues head on. That's what uri Na Jeong-ie would do.

## August 22, 2001

## 7:00 p.m.

## Chilbong

I stood at the door to my mother's place and waited for someone to answer. I wondered for a moment if Ahjusshi was going to be here. It's not that I didn't like him... It's just that I barely see my mother as it is and I really need some time alone with her if she and I were going to have a talk.

When she finally answered the door, I saw my mother dressed in a short sleeved blouse and skirt. She must have just gotten home from work since her hair was still tied up. She never ages, my mother... She always looked the same whenever I see her. She still looked like the mother I had in my memories, before she left me and Appa. Something was different about her tonight though and I was taken aback when I realized that she had her arms around me in a warm embrace.

"Omma," I said uneasily. "Is everything okay?"

She pulled away before looking me up and down. "Can't I hug my only son?" She asked with a fond smile. I narrowed my eyes in suspicion and she chuckled. "Come in... Dinner is almost ready."

I changed into slippers before following her into the apartment. She detoured towards the kitchen and I made my way into the living room. Sitting myself down on the sofa, I looked around absently, noting that she still kept her place the same as always when I heard her call out from the kitchen. "Joon-ah, do you want something to drink?"

"Omma... You don't have to do that. I'll make it myself." I stood up and was about to walk towards the kitchen when I saw the framed picture hanging on the wall. I've never seen this picture before. This wasn't here the last time I visited. It was a picture of me in my Giants uniform, holding a baseball in my hand, looking at what I am assuming was the batter, getting ready for my throw. My heart beat uncomfortably in my chest as I pondered how and when she got this, as well as why it would be hanging here now. My mother has never shown any interest in baseball.

I was still thinking about it when she walked into the living room balancing a tray on her hands with a teapot and some cups. "You didn't answer me so I thought I'd just make us some tea," she said then motioned for me to sit back down on the couch.

I wanted to ask her about the picture but I didn't know where to start. To this day, I still find it hard to speak to my Omma. I always feel like a little boy around her. I watched as she poured the tea, measuring just the right amount of sugar into my cup without me telling her.

"How are you?" She asked, her eyes not meeting mine.

"I'm okay," I automatically answered. I'm always okay... Or at least that's what I always say to Omma and Appa. It's easier. For them and myself. Saves me from having to talk about it and them from listening to something they had no interest in. I rifled through the magazines on her coffee table for something to read, trying to alleviate the uncomfortable silence that preludes these rare meals we share. I had just lifted a couple of the magazines when I saw a big book. Too big to be a novel... It looked more like a photo album of sorts. I opened to the first page to see a printout of an article written about me when I had agreed to go to Yonsei. I flipped to the next page to see an article about the first game I pitched at university. I rifled through the pages quickly, noting that they were all articles about my career... All the way to the San Francisco Giants.

"There would have been more..." She said, her voice sounded nervous and I looked up to see my mother wringing her hands together. Her eyes met mine and she spoke again. "... But the internet only archived your baseball career from Yonsei University onwards." She lifted the teacup to her lips and I noted that her hands were shaking.

"Omma, I don't understand," I said. And I don't. She's never followed what I do. Or at least I didn't think she did. I'm confused. I have no clue what's going on or who this woman in front of me is.

"Joon-ah... I know I haven't been the most supportive mother but I'm trying to fix that," she responded. "You have every reason to be angry with both me and your Appa."

I shook my head before I answered. "I'm not angry. I know that you both did what you could. I always had a roof over my head and food to eat." I swallowed the lump that formed in my throat. "I know that neither of you wanted a child... It's okay." I looked away from her and hoped that my eyes didn't betray that it really wasn't okay. Though every cell in my body told me to bolt, I forced myself to remain seated, because that's what Na Jeong would do.

"How in the world did you come to that conclusion?" She asked and I looked up. She was gazing at me with an unreadable expression on her face.

"Omma... I may have been a child but I wasn't blind or deaf. I heard you and Appa arguing for months, before you left. I heard both of you say it. It's okay... I'm okay."

"Joon-ah... Those were not easy times for me and your Appa. I'm sure we said a lot of things we didn't mean."

"It wasn't just that. I saw pictures of the two of you." When she looked at me questioningly, I continued. "Before I was born. You looked happy. But after I was born there were no more pictures. I always knew that neither of you had been happy I was born." Though saying the words pained me, I forced myself to, swallowing the bitterness that made itself known. All of this had to be said at some point, and what better time than now? It's not as if I can feel shittier than I already do.

"I was working two jobs and your Appa was working and going to school. We barely had any time to see each other, much less have time together as a family to have opportunity for pictures. And you're mistaken," she said and I looked at her. "We were very happy once... Never more so than when you were born."

"But..."

"Joon-ah, you have to remember something. We both had you when we were young. We had no clue what we were doing. Too young to be married and certainly too young to be parents. We made so many mistakes with you. Omma is sorry for that."

"But... You said you wanted your freedom. You left."

"That was the hardest decision I ever had to make... Leaving you. But the reality of the situation was that I had nothing when I walked away from your Appa. I was penniless. His house at least belonged to his family. I knew he would have provided everything you needed, much better than I could have." She put the cup down and took my hands in hers. "I'm not looking for absolution. Just a little understanding. Parents are people too... We're not perfect, and we make mistakes. Though I believe that we made more with you than most. Whatever the case may be, you may not have been planned but you were always wanted. And always loved. Why do you think I only had one child? You were always enough for me." She gave my hands a squeeze and smiled at me. "But still, look at you. You've really grown up well... Even without me. In spite of me leaving."

I felt tears burn at the back of my eyes and I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I didn't grow up that well. Look at me now. Baseball was the only thing I had for a long time and when I was faced with losing that, I fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me."

"What do you mean?" She asked, her voice concerned.

"Na Jeong... She's gone... I don't think she wants to be with me anymore. I don't blame her." She stayed silent and I questioned myself for even sharing this with her. She didn't even know we were together. The last time I spoke of Na Jeong was six years ago and she's only met her once. Needing to actually talk about it with someone though, who better than someone who can be objective? "I just shut down... I couldn't find a way to talk to her. I love her too much. It scared me... The idea that she may not love me as much. I just pushed her away. I think... I think I don't know how to be happy."

"I think you and I may be more alike than either of us realized. Everything I ever thought was good about myself I see in you. The persistence... Your focus... Your determination. Even your intensity. You got all of that from me. But I see the bad too." She was quiet for a few minutes before she continued. "Myself and your Appa, communication was never our strong point. We didn't quite know how to speak to each other... And much less to you. That's why we didn't work." When she saw the surprised look on my face, she chuckled. "I know it's hard to believe considering I left and we aren't friends now but your Appa and I, we were crazy in love once too. Love is never a problem in abundance, only when it's lacking."

"Omma... Why are you telling me all this stuff?" She has never spoken so much about anything ever. At least nothing of any substance.

"Joon-ah... I don't want to see you making the same mistakes your Appa and I made. Not when you don't have to. Learn from our mistakes. But don't get so caught up in your past and how you think your present should be that you don't see the beauty in what you have now. Only you can decide your future.... No one else, unless you allow them to, gets to have a say." I was still wrapping my head around the fact that I'm actually having this conversation with my Omma when I heard her voice. "As for Na Jeong, I get the feeling you two will be just fine. Once you figure it out." I was about to ask her how she knew that when she stood up and grabbed the tray. "Dinner's done. All this talk about feelings has made me hungry. Let's go eat, hmm?"

I nodded and stood up. My glance landing on the framed picture again, I asked, "Omma... Did you get this picture from the Internet too? You should have told me you wanted one... I could have gotten a professional one for you."

"That picture wasn't from the Internet," she said, her back to me. "Na Jeong gave me that."

"What? When? When you two made kimchi together?"

"No..." I walked to the kitchen to see my Omma pulling plates out of the cupboard. She turned around and looked at me. "She came to see me again in January, after your birthday... I think after you went back? She said that she noticed that I didn't have any pictures of you in the house so she brought me one." She lifted her eyebrows at me, possibly taking in the shock on my face. "You've picked yourself quite a woman." She shook her head and chuckled, as if thinking of something else. "She also gave me a copy of your schedule too, including a list of the websites where I can watch recaps of your games. 'Just in case you were interested,' she said. She didn't say it out loud, but judging from the look she gave me, I know she really meant, 'Even if you're not interested, BE interested.' She's not very subtle, that girl."

"Did she say anything else?" Curious now, I looked at my Omma while she searched her mind, as if trying to remember.

"Well... She also said, 'I don't know exactly what happened with you and Abonim, but I hope that you find a way to fix your relationship with Joon. He's told me just a little bit and he pretends that it doesn't bother him but I know him and I know it does...'"

I couldn't help but feel the pride inside me at how perceptive and courageous uri Na Jeong-ie is. Omma was still speaking but I had zoned out for a minute...

"Oh... And she said she was marrying you and if I wanted to see my grandchildren I would do well to fix things with you first. I got mad but she stood her ground. 'Our children will not be allowed to go to your house unless they can look around and see how much you love Joon, which I know you do.' Then she glared at me and left. I mean I know you said she's temperamental but really..." Omma sat down and motioned for me to join her at the table. "I cannot believe she threatened me, can you?"

"Yes," I answered easily. Then I started laughing. My mother frowned at me at first but then began to laugh as well. It's funny because I don't even think that my Omma and I ever laughed this much together. It felt good, to finally be able to share this with her. I had just put spooned out some of the stew onto my rice when she cleared her throat.

"Joon-ah... What are you going to do about your shoulder?" She asked. "I'm not going to tell you what to do, if that's what's stopping you from telling me."

"Omma... I don't know yet. I don't really have a lot of options. I'm still thinking about it." I didn't want to say more, thinking that I already knew that she'd tell me to do something else. Just like she had every other time.

"Whatever you decide, I'm here. Your Appa will be too. We are always proud of you."

That was unexpected. I ate quietly and saw her watching me as I took a bit of the radish kimchi. I was taken back to my childhood, when I allowed myself to just eat a little bit of the batch she left for me every time I missed her, trying to make it last because I was unsure when I'd eat it again. It made me sad then, but it still made me feel closer to her. Even years later, it still made me sad eating it, but it was a comfortable sad. It was a sadness I was familiar with. The kkakdugi I ate now tasted the same, but it no longer held the emotional meaning it did before. I thought about why and I realized it was because I've developed a taste for someone else's kimchi. Na Jeong's kimchi.

"Well?" Omma asked. "Does it still taste as good as you remember?'

"Omma, of course," I answered. "It's still the best."

"You're a liar..." She said teasingly. "You clearly said when we spoke on the phone that Na Jeong's tasted better, before you even knew it was hers."

"Na Jeong's tastes different. It's not just the ginger, either. Her kimchi..." Her kimchi tastes of hope. Whereas my Omma's kimchi always held a hint of sadness, Na Jeong's always reminded me of what love would taste like, if it had a taste. God, I miss her. Knowing that I can't very well say these things out loud without possibly hurting my Omma's feelings, I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "It just tastes different."

She smiled at me and we finished our meal in comfortable silence, one that I never shared with my mother before. I savoured the meal as if I was seeing her for the first time, forgiveness coming easily now that we've spoken. When at last we were finished, she walked me to the door before she opened her arms and hugged me again.

"Omma," I said. "Are we going to be touchy feely now?"

She gave me an affectionate nudge before she responded. "Yah... There's a first time for everything. I have 19 years to make up. One dinner and a couple of hugs won't fix everything but it's a start, right? Plus... I really really want to be able to see my grandchildren." She winked at me before pushing me out the door. "We should do this more often," she suggested. "Next time bring Na Jeong along, hmm?"

"Sure, Omma," I shoved my hands in my pockets. "Thanks for dinner."

I waited until her door was closed before I made my way down the elevator. Putting my key into the car door, I spotted a store selling baby stuff and unable to help myself, I found myself walking towards it. I stood in front of the display for a few minutes, marvelling at how little everything was and before I knew it I had pushed the door open and I was walking down the aisles of baby stuff.

I stopped by a pair of impossibly small shoes and wondered if babies really needed it if they don't even walk yet. I lift a pair up and saw that it didn't even cover the size of my palm. My heart in my throat, a vision of a little girl with Na Jeong's eyes came to me. I'll just buy this one, I thought. I already touched it. I was already making my way to the register when I realized that I should get one for a little boy, too. You know, just in case. Maybe some socks too... They can't wear shoes without socks. So I get some with hearts and flowers for a little girl, and some with balls and cartoon characters for a little boy. By the time I got to the register, my arms were filled with baby things, for every unexpected occurrence. I even found a book on pregnancy. The sales person looked at me curiously, and for a minute I was nervous that she recognized me with my cap on but then I realized that I was the only man in the store and they were about five minutes away from closing. After I paid, I grabbed the two bags bursting with purchases and quickly made my way back to my car.

I drove home slowly, passing by the boarding house even though it was out of my way, hoping to even just see a glimpse of her. I sat in front of the boarding house and contemplated going in, but unable to find the courage to, I just drove off after half an hour.

Once I arrived home, I took the two bags and put them on the side of the bed. I climbed into bed that night with the book about pregnancy, my mind a little more at peace. I'll speak to Na Jeong tomorrow, after her work. I might have to grovel, but I can do that. After a few minutes I put the book away in the drawer of my bedside table, under Na Jeong's picture and thought about whether she will give me another chance. The worst she can do is say no. And then what? And then she'll just have to fall in love with me all over again. I did with her, so she can certainly do the same with me.

## August 23, 2001

## 4:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

I kept my hands in my pockets as I followed In Sung. We walked in silence... Just like we've done a million times before... When we were kids. When we were in university.

He had shown up at my apartment not even fifteen minutes ago. Opening the door, I was surprised to see him eyeing me up and down before exclaiming, "Chilbong-ah... You look like shit."

"Yeah... I've been hearing that a lot lately," I had responded.

"Why didn't you call me and tell me about the injury and the contract?" He asked me accusingly. "Are you going to let me find out via the news? And here I thought that we were friends."

"It's been a little crazy around here. Do you want to come in?" I looked behind me and saw the mess and hoped for a minute he would refuse.

"Put some clothes on. I think you can use some fresh air. Take a walk with me." He walked off before I could say no. He was probably right. It felt like the walls of the apartment were closing in on me. "I'll meet you downstairs," he called out as I was about to close the door.

Minutes later I was downstairs and we were walking out of the building. Unsure of where we were going, I just followed him. I put my hood over my head and kept my head down as we walked.

"What time is Na Jeong coming?" He asked quietly before looking at me for an answer.

"She's not." I responded.

"Yeah... Looking at you like this, I expected so. You don't look good, Chilbong-ah."

I stayed silent as we walked. When we finally stopped, I realized that we were at the neighbourhood park, the same one I went to a few weeks ago. I watched as In Sung climbed the bleachers and sat down, then patted the seat next to him. I went up the bleachers and sat down beside him, noticing that the same kids that were playing baseball that day were back to practice today.

"Yah... How many of those kids do you think will make it to play college baseball?" He asked, keeping his eyes firmly on the field.

"I don't know... Maybe a quarter?" I don't know why we're here. In Sung and I haven't been on the bleachers together as spectators in a baseball field... Not since we were twelve years old and we would sneak into one just to watch the adults play.

"Of that quarter... How many do you think will make it to play professional baseball in Korea?"

"A handful, at most," I responded.

"And abroad?"

"Maybe one, if any." I watched as the kids made their way into their positions on the field and I could almost see In Sung and I, him with his body vest on at twelve and me with the ball, walking out to play with them. I heard him clear his throat and I turned to look at him.

"Do you remember when we were finally allowed to play together? I've watched you throw before and practiced with you before, but I was still surprised at how good you were when I played with you. You almost knocked me down, you pretty boy," he chuckled then turned his eyes to me. "Though you're not looking so pretty now."

"Yah..."

"Chilbong-ah... No matter what happens now, you've already achieved something most people can only dream of. You're already someone who's achieved a lot. Be proud of that, and yourself. All the things that made you successful... All the things that made you so good... You still have it. With or without your shoulder, it's still in you."

"Things are different now. I'm not as young and as idealistic as I used to be."

"It wasn't youth or idealism that pushed you. It was something else."

"What makes you think you know me so well?" I asked defensively.

"You can bullshit your way with everyone else, but not me. You and I... We've played together for almost ten years. You don't think I know that you had something to do with me getting accepted into Yonsei, you punk? My grades weren't that good. And they already told me before you accepted your scholarship that I wasn't accepted. You think I thought it was purely coincidental that you gave them an answer and all of a sudden they have a place for me AFTER I told you I'd have to go to Korea University? You're always doing things on your own. I could have killed you... My crush at that time was going to Korea University. After my parents heard that Yonsei accepted me, I had no choice but to go there."

"Ahh... But you wouldn't have met Misoo and you wouldn't be getting married now." I chuckled to myself.

"Yeah," he said. "And I wouldn't have been one of the very few people that can say that I saw Kim Jae Joon grow up from this puny kid who ate nothing but ramyun and kimchi into the Major League Baseball Player that he is now."

"Major League Baseball Player that he was," I corrected him. "In Sung-ah... I may never play baseball again. My right shoulder is gone."

"So?" He asked. "The Chilbong I know would say fine... I'll play with my left arm instead. If you're going to quit playing, do it because you want to and not because of this injury."

"I don't have another sixteen years to train my left arm well enough to play for a professional team again."

"You only said you wouldn't play baseball again, not that you wanted to be paid for it. When we were kids, we didn't think of how baseball was going to get us paid. I played because I liked it. And you... You played because I don't think you had anything else." When he saw the surprised expression on my face he smiled. "You think I'm stupid or something? You didn't think I would notice that you never allowed yourself to look up to the bleachers until the game was over? I've played with you for all those years and you don't think I knew that your parents never came to any of the games or that you always rushed home when we were kids as soon as the team parents would start talking about going out after?" He took a deep breath before continuing. "You always played baseball with so much intensity... It was amazing to see and be a part of. Every time I saw you on the field, getting ready to throw, I always thought to myself... Wow... This punk. You drew people's eyes to you. You were a pitcher with a story to tell." He nudged my good shoulder then. "Yah... You remember, right? How it felt when you played? How it seemed like the world would quiet down just to wait for your throw? It was amazing, Chilbong-ah. Sometimes, it felt so unfair that rather than just watching you play I had to play too."

I stayed silent, unsure of what to say. Not knowing if I had anything to say. He seemed to consider his words carefully before he proceeded. "But it was sometimes a little scary too, because with that intensity came a little desperation. As if this was all that you had. You were so quiet and soft spoken, but when you played baseball you became someone else. I remember one of our coaches saying it before... How you had so much talent... But you were also always a live wire. Even they felt that there was more going on than just baseball." He looked away then, as did I, to see the kids huddle together in a pre-game pep talk. "... And he was right. Baseball wasn't just a game to you. It was your life."

"It is my life," I said. "That hasn't changed. My life is built on baseball and my ability to play it."

He shook his head at me. "No... Things are different now. You WERE the boy who only had baseball. That's not true any longer. You don't just have baseball anymore. You have love and your family."

"What family? I barely speak to my Omma and Appa. She's busy with work and her own life... And he's moved to the country to be a farmer. I wish it was as easy for me to change the direction of my life."

"It's not that complicated," In Sung replied. "And I wasn't talking about that family. I'm talking about the family you've picked for yourself. Didn't you move out of the player dorms when we were in university, saying you would rather live in the boarding house, even though it actually made more work for you?" When I nodded, he continued. "You thrived on the loneliness... I was a little nervous when you were happy suddenly. I thought it was going to throw you off your game. But then something unexpected happened."

"What?"

"You became even better. That's it, I thought. There's no stopping him now. I thought for sure you found your confidence, that I wouldn't have to worry about you anymore. Falling in love, having people around you... You became an even better baseball player. And a better person, too. It was an honour... being the one on the other side, waiting to catch your ball. But an even bigger privilege... to be able to call you friend." He paused and clapped when an outfielder caught the ball. "But then this injury happened... And I feel like I'm looking at you from sixteen years ago. You look miserable," he said, his tone concerned. "Misoo saw Na Jeong the other day... She said she was looking tired, like she hasn't slept for days. I didn't see her but looking at you I think I have an idea how she must look." He whistled when the pitcher threw a strike. "You loved her for so long and now you have her. Don't blow it."

"I already did."

"Really? Because she didn't say anything to Misoo about her breaking up with you. Or did you break up with her?" When I didn't respond, he looked at me closely. "Did the reality of being with her not meet the illusion of it?"

"No... It's nothing like that. She's incredible. She's funny and kind. She's perfect. She has these crazy metaphors, they crack me up so much... About cows and pandas... " I started chuckling, but then a lump formed in my throat as the memory of Na Jeong in the rain came back to me. 'I love you way beyond more', she had whispered, her mouth smiling on mine.

"So what's the problem?"

"She didn't sign up for this. She doesn't even like baseball. She wouldn't understand. " He wouldn't get it. Misoo knows baseball and how much work is put into it.

"What?" He asked. "She wouldn't understand about hard work and losing yourself? You don't have to be a baseball player to understand that. You just have to be a person." Well, when he puts it like that... "And she may not like baseball but she loves you. Don't be too hard on her. She's not expected to be everything all the time... She's not always supposed to be able to read your mind. Just like you're not being able to read hers. You are okay with that, so be okay with her not always knowing what you're thinking. If she tries... That's all that matters. For years, you held the illusion of her in your mind... You probably believed that once you two were together, it was going to be smooth sailing. I should have warned you that was just the start. She's only human, Chilbong-ah. No one can possibly live up to whatever illusion you had in your head. No one should have to. It's too much pressure and it's not fair for either her or you."

"She held on as long as she could, under what could have possibly been the most difficult of circumstances. In the end I just gave her the opportunity to leave before this got real. She took it, and I can't blame her for it. She shouldn't have to deal with this."

"I don't know Na Jeong personally, but shouldn't you let her decide what she should and shouldn't have to deal with herself?"

"In Sung-ah... I did what I could."

"I get the feeling that you're running under the assumption that you've just proven that you love her more by making a decision that she never asked you to make. Chilbong-ah... There are things in life that don't always require proof for it to be real. Saying it out loud doesn't make it truer and not saying it out loud doesn't make it less real. A dream that never materializes is still a dream. Love that's not returned is still love. Sometimes you can ask someone to leave, when you're really begging for them to stay." He continued to watch the game, his gaze focused on the field. "People are funny that way. We keep testing one another... Always wanting to be proven wrong... Or maybe the more important thing is that we do it so we can say I'm right... What I believed in was always true. It's comfortable... Thinking that you had it right all along. But it's also sad, don't you think?" He finally turned to me then, a thoughtful look on his face. "A little bit of faith goes a long way. Disappointment is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Unlike love. That's a little more complicated. It's so much easier to have faith in something that's fixed. Like baseball. It seemed like a sure bet, right? Because how can it disappoint you? But you forgot... Our bodies are not infallible. Chilbong-ah... Even if it wasn't your shoulder... It might be other things. An injury may or may not happen, but we will all get old. If it's not one thing it's another. But you already won half the battle. You already found the person who will love you no matter what. The rest you can figure out along the way."

I was still digesting what he said that I didn't notice the practice was over and that In Sung was standing up. He held out a hand to help me up and I took it. We walked towards the apartment, no words passing between us. When we reached the intersection, he spoke.

"I'll stop here. I promised Misoo I'd pick her up from work." I nodded at him and was about to thank him when he enfolded me into a hug. "Chilbong-ah... You're not an idiot right? Don't push your woman away because you're afraid. You might be surprised at how much she can handle. And remember... All the best success stories start in failure and loss. Otherwise they wouldn't be called success stories. This can be the end. Or you can make it the beginning." He released his hold on me before he turned away whistling.

I walked back to the apartment on my own and thought about what he said. 'You're done doing everything on your own', Na Jeong had said, taking my hand in hers during our first real morning together. Inside me, I felt a whisper of hope bloom.

Maybe Na Jeong wasn't the one who gave up.

Maybe it was me.

If so, maybe it's not too late.

## August 24, 2001

## 3:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

I was trying to lie down on the couch when something kept digging into my back. It was only when I reached down that I found my phone under some of the cushions on the sofa. I hadn't needed it, so I didn't even realize that I didn't know where it was until it hit me this morning that I haven't heard from Jung Jin Hyung in a few days, which was very strange for him. Hooking it up to the charger and powering it on, I noticed that the voicemail icon popped up. Must just be Hyung or Omma, since Dong Joon said she couldn't get in touch with me. I almost didn't listen to the messages, but I thought about how much Hyung will yell at me if I didn't, so I sat down and listened.

I was surprised to hear Na Jeong's voice on the message line. Her tone angry, she said, "Yah, Kim Jae Joon... Are you going to say all those things to me and now not answer your phone? Just wait until I talk to you again... Do you think you can get rid of me that fast?"

Confused and wondering whether she left this message before we fought, I pressed the button for envelope information and discovered the message was left only 5 days ago. So she's mad? I expected that. I breathed a sigh of relief and pressed save on her message.

"Joon-ah... It's Jung Jin Hyung. Remember me? I closed the lease on the apartment in San Francisco. I emailed you the paperwork. Uhm... I packed up the apartment too. Let me know when you'll be home so I can bring your stuff to you. Oh yeah... I forgot to tell you, but as of last month I am no longer your manager. Frankly you can't afford me... I returned my salary from this month to your account. Everything I'm doing now, I do because... Well because you're kind of my little brother and my friend. Call me. Make it soon though since I have to go back to San Francisco next week. I may have news when I get back."

I permitted myself a small smile as I listened to Hyung's message. I'm glad that San Francisco has been dealt with. Hang on... Did he get Na Jeong's ring? And if San Francisco was over and done with, why would he need to go back? Reminding myself to message him later, I skipped to the next message.

"Chilbong-ah... It's Samcheonpo... I know you are back in Korea. Why you don't call us? You have yet to see our baby... Is anything the matter? You didn't come to the baby's 100 day celebration. You wouldn't believe this but he picked up a ball! Yah... It's unlike you to cut off all communications... Call us when you hear this message."

Damn... I really should show my face to Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin. I'm going to need a list. I picked up a piece of paper and a pen and started writing down who I need to call back when I heard Na Jeong again, her voice softer this time.

"Yah... You miss me right? I knew you'll miss me! I read your present that you gave me for my birthday. Do you remember? The one you gave me before I left San Francisco. You miss me all the time! You love me too! Remember? Do you remember that? Well, did you know this? I always miss you more... I always love you more... Are you going to let me win this round?"

I shook my head and stared at the paper, drawing a heart next to Na Jeong's name, which was first on my list. Wondering what happened that she now talks like uri Na Jeong-ie, I continued listening to the messages.

"Chilbong-ah!!! Why are you not replying to my emails? I saw the news about the contract... Why didn't you say anything? Are you ok? Let's go for drinks... I know a place that serves good soju... My treat... Call me!"

Shit... I knew Haitai watched the US sports news. I should go out with him. He always cracks me up. I am in need of some cheering up right now. I heard Bing's voice next.

"Joon-ah... Why are you not responding to your messages? I didn't even know that you were back in town until Haitai told me... Yah... Your omma is ringing my phone down... You better call me back or else I will go down to your apartment tomorrow. She's calling me while I'm in bed with my wife! CALL ME!"

Well that's one less person to call. I heard the television in the background on the next message, followed by Sook Sook's voice. I softened when I heard him speak.

"Joon Hyung!!! Noona said you're back! When will you come over to play with me? Have you forgotten about my sleepover? It's more fun to eat ice cream with you than with Noona. She always tells me to stop and follows me around with a paper towel... Come over okay? Joon Hyung, I miss you a lot!"

I hope that Hyung also packed up the miniature jersey I bought for Sook Sook. I can't wait to see his face when I give it to him. Looking at my phone and wondering how many messages are left, I was about to put listening to the rest of it off when I heard Yoon Jin's voice, with a crying baby in the background.

"Chilbong-ah... Is anything wrong? You're not communicating with any of the guys... Did my husband piss you off about something? You'll get over it, just like I do all the time. I asked Na Jeong about you and she didn't say a word. Did you guys fight or something? She makes me nervous when she's like this. But if something is wrong, you do know that we are here for you, right? Don't make us worry too much... Call us..."

There was silence before the next message came on.

"Chilbong-ah... It's In Sung. Your wife... Ouch! Jagiya, why did you pinch me? Ahh... Misoo is here too. Yah... Are you still thinking of what I said the other day? Stop staying at home too... It's depressing to keep staying at home. Call us and we'll take you and Na Jeong out. Oh yeah... You guys getting married yet? Misoo says don't pick May because that's when we get married. Okay, I'm hanging up. Call me."

Listening to all the messages, I was struck by the concern and care interwoven in each. It seems I was wrong. People cared. Unsure of the direction my thoughts were going, I was still contemplating this when I heard Na Jeong's Omma's voice, her tone gentle and sweet, just the way she always sounded with me, interspersed with Coach's voice, which was demanding and insistent, the way he always was with... Everyone. Thank God for consistency.

"Chilbong-ah... When are you coming over for dinner? Tell Omma... So Omma can cook oxtail soup for you," she said before I heard a tussle over the phone and heard Appa's voice. "Yah! Chilbong! You get your ass here soon! Don't make Omma and me worry!" There was silence and I wondered if they were fighting over the phone again. "Chilbong-ah... I also cooked your favourite side dishes. Na Jeong will be bringing them over for you... Even if you don't come over, you must eat well." Omma said before I heard Appa screaming in the background. "Yeobo, don't give him a choice of not coming! Tell him to come! Stop sending food so he will come here to eat... IF HE WANTS FOOD TELL HIM TO COME OVER HERE AND GET IT HIMSELF! Aishhh... You're so soft." Omma cleared her throat again before she spoke. "Chilbong-ah... Ignore Appa. I will keep sending food, but as soon as you feel like it, come over. Uhm... We miss you. Take care, okay? You're not alone in this... You know that, right? Okay... Omma will go now before I start crying."

Unexpected tears sprang to my eyes as realization dawned on me that all this time, I thought I was alone... When really I wasn't. The people in my life now... The people I considered family... I realized while listening to their sometimes angry and sometimes hilarious messages, that the focus was never on baseball, but on me. I felt humbled all of a sudden, uncomfortable with the newness of this emotion.

Had I been the one stuck in my past? Believing what I wanted to believe in out of fear? Did I expect people to prove me wrong or was I constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop... Not only with Na Jeong but with everyone in my life? Not for the first time in the last week, I felt unsettled and ashamed of myself. I don't like this feeling at all.

Somehow and some way, I had surrounded myself with people who genuinely cared for me, who wished the best for my well-being. They spoke to me as someone separate of Na Jeong but still inclusive of her in my life, as if it was a foregone conclusion that she and I can weather this storm. At the thought of her, I sat down. We might be having a baby. Our child will grow up surrounded by these same people. Our child will always be loved and accepted. The legacy of fear and abandonment ends with me.

Just as soon as hope warmed my chest and I've accepted the idea of us having a baby, I heard Na Jeong's voice on the last message, her tone haunting and upset.

"Joon-ah... You should know that I took the test... I'm not pregnant," a breath whooshed on the phone, as if she'd been holding it. "It's good, right? It's good news. But I don't know why I'm crying," she said now, her voice coming out in sobs. "I don't know why I'm so sad. We're not ready, right? You're not even talking to me so how can we have a baby? Still though I feel really sad and alone... I wish you would just pick up the phone. I wish you can hug me and sing me the butterfly song again... Are you sad too? Since you can't sing it for me, I'll sing it for you instead. Maybe we'll both feel better." I started to cry as I listened to her shaky voice singing, her selflessness and love pouring over me in waves. When she was done, she said, "Joon-ah... I'm scared. We'll make it through this, right? You promised me. You promised me that no matter what happens you'll find me. I don't know what you've been living with in the past month, but please find it in yourself to come back. Please come back to me. Please come back for me. I need you. I can't do this without you and I'm not sure you can do this without me. I don't want you to do this without me. I love you so much."

The voicemail cut her message short and I stayed sitting, unable to do anything. I was taken aback by the feeling of loss, over something that never even existed yet. Tears ran down my face and I wiped them off in frustration. This is crazy. Just when I thought the roller coaster of emotions were going to end, life manages to surprise me. Even as every part of me wanted to reject having to think about this, I know that I need to stop avoiding all my issues now. I'm angry with myself for losing perspective. For having believed in that one thing my whole life... That people will always leave.

I know how that came about but I can change. I've already changed. I hear Na Jeong's voice in my head. Telling me that she's already made her choice. Telling me that with me is where she belonged.

I got up off the couch and started pacing back and forth. I looked around my apartment and it finally registered to me what I've done. The shame and the guilt came so quickly I closed my eyes. What am I doing? How long will I let my past dictate what I do? What am I so afraid of? It's time for me to take the steps I need to take to finally become the man Na Jeong believes me to be. I need to start taking responsibility for my actions and to own my future. Even if she didn't choose me first, she chose me now. That's what matters, right?

I don't have a job? So what? I'll find one. I can't play baseball? I'll try to do something else, even if it meant asking my Appa or Na Jeong's Appa for help. I am a proud man, but given the choice between my pride and being able to provide for Na Jeong and our family in the future, I will sacrifice that, even if she doesn't ask me to. I would rather have that than go through my life holding onto the bitterness and trying to pretend that I can't feel. Forcing myself to feel numb all the time will only work if I don't want to actually feel anything. But I do want to feel. I want to be happy. I want to love and be loved.

I grabbed my jacket and keys, ready to go to Na Jeong when I heard the bell ring. Looking at the monitor, I saw a face that I never expected to see again. I opened the door slowly to see Jung Gook Sunbae leaning against the doorway. Not really sure what he's doing here, I just stood silently and waited for him to speak.

"Chilbong-ah... You look like shit." He smirked at me and I felt all the anger I have been trying to keep at bay rise to the surface. This is your fault. You were supposed to love her. You were supposed to take care of her. I'm not built to do it. I don't deserve her. My keys dropped to the ground and with the direction of my thoughts dictating my actions, my fist connected with his face before I could think about it.

The bag he had in his hand fell to the ground and I vaguely heard glass bottles clinking. He lifted his head after a moment, rubbing his jaw. "Yah..." He started. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

I didn't respond right away and just continued to stare him down. "That was for me, six years ago. You should have recognized what you had when you had her. You're not taking her back."

"Yeah okay... Maybe I did deserve that. But shouldn't you be thanking me instead? If I had been perfect, you wouldn't be with her now." He was gloating, the bastard. Like the only way she could have chosen me was if he had fucked up, basically verbalizing all the fears that I had. Saying that Na Jeong didn't know herself. Oh hell no. She still could have chosen me. "Yeah," he continued with a pleased tone. "You actually owe me..."

I was on him on the hallway floor with my fists clenched, anger running through me. For his part, he had also started fighting me back. I felt my bad shoulder hit the floor with a thump and I cringed but my fist hit his gut before I pushed him off me. I rolled in time to avoid him launching himself on me and landed on his stomach. We tussled for a few more minutes before I realized I was actually enjoying this. We broke apart when my neighbours arrived at their door, watching us curiously.

As soon as they were in their apartment, he turned to me with a self-satisfied grin. I was about to hit him again when he spoke, his hand rubbing his open lip.

"Yah... You feel better now, right? I don't know how I'm going to explain this to Yoo Mi..."

"WHAT? Who the hell is Yoo Mi?"

"My girlfriend, punk," he responded. "I thought my showing up here was going to be enough to rouse you out of whatever funk you were in. Na Jeong said no, but I knew I was right. I have this effect on people."

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? "

"Na Jeong told me you're living like a zombie. I said I might know what it would take to remind you what's important. She said no... Refused to give me your address," he continued, picking up the bag that fell when I punched him the first time. "So I hounded Binggrae until he gave it up. Na Jeong said to talk to you somewhere public... But I bet you feel better now, right? Women know nothing. They don't understand that men need an avenue for all these feelings. Violence... Violence is usually the answer. Nothing makes us feel more alive than hitting someone."

"That logic is messed up," I said, rubbing my shoulder. But true. Not that I would ever admit that. Not to anyone. Especially not to him. "Why are you here?"

"Can I come in now?" He asked warily.

Wordlessly, I opened the door then let him in. I followed him into my apartment. I took a deep breath and waited for him to say something as he perused the mess that is my living room and kitchen. When he said nothing, I tried to clear some of the mess on the dining table before motioning for him to have a seat. Rather than sitting down, he handed me a bag with at least five bottles of soju. I raised my eyebrows at him, then asked, "Is this for me? Should I put in the fridge?" When he didn't respond right away, I realized I should probably be more polite. "Thank you?"

"It's a peace offering... And don't put it away. Grab some glasses. Now that we got that out of the way, we need to talk," he responded. I put the bag down on the dining table before heading to the kitchen to grab a couple of shot glasses, grabbing a paper towel too for his bleeding lip. As I was about to sit down, I spied him sitting down at the table and putting the folder that he pulled out of the bag before he gave it to me down. The last time anyone came to this table with a folder, Na Jeong basically slapped a negotiation on me. Is he trying to intimidate me? Still not really sure what the point of this is, I sat down and watched as he unscrewed a bottle and poured two shots. "Let's drink."

"Before we start, let me just get it out of the way that you're dreaming if you think I'm going to apologize. I'm not sorry for hitting you. " He frowned at me while dabbing his lip. I took a shot and he stayed quiet for a few minutes before he responded.

"I know," he finally said before downing his own shot, hissing when the alcohol touched on the cut on his lips. I would feel bad but he deserved it. You just don't show up to a man's house and tell him he looks like shit.

This is going to be a long conversation, I thought to myself, if we will be talking one sentence at a time. I poured us two more shots of soju.

"Why are you here?" Thinking I probably needed a little bit more liquor to hear his answer, I took another shot. "And, what's that?" I asked, pointing at the folder he brought along with him.

"Will you hit me again if I tell you?" He asked. He looked at the shot of soju in front of him and downed it. Pouring the next round, he said, "Chilbong-ah, we were worried."

I bristled at the use of my nickname. I didn't think he and I were that familiar that we can call each other by nicknames. "Don't call me Chilbong. Kim Jae Joon. That's my name. That's what you're allowed to call me," I said, taking the shot. "We? Who's we?"

"Our family!" He said, drinking his shot. "Appa, Omma, Sook Sook, Jeong-ah and me! Everyone! We're all worried!" He met my eyes as if challenging me.

"I know everyone's worried but you have no reason to be. If anything, I would think YOU would be happy that I'm miserable." I took the shot of soju and tried to remember how much I'd already had. Thank God I haven't taken any pain medication in days.

"Kim Jae Joon... Just shut up and listen for a minute." He said as he drank more soju. He poured more liquor into the glasses and I shot one down before responding.

"Kim Jung Gook-ssi, who are you to come to my house and tell me to shut up? Are you begging for another fight?"

He drank his glass and I poured more out. Not having enough from the first bottle, I unscrewed the next. "You need to watch your words... I'm about to save your life, you punk."

I glared at him from across the table, except it looked like there were two of him looking back at me. Great, I thought, because the world needs more of him. "I don't want it if you're just trying to win Na Jeong back by showing her how selfless you are." I met his gaze and drank my shot.

He drank his and poured more out. "I am her Oppa... Her Oppa and nothing else. You know," he said, pointing his finger at me, "I can't believe that you're talking to her Oppa like this."

"You're also her ex-boyfriend, asshole," I retorted, drinking the shot. This soju is warming me up and I feel better than I have this whole month. Bolstered by the alcohol, I said what I always wanted to say. "Don't you think it's fucked up that you almost married your sister?"

He looked really serious as he contemplated my question before he chuckled and drank his shot of soju. "Yeah... It kind of is fucked up, right?" His hands shaking a little, his gaze narrowed as he poured more soju for us. I watched, concerned as he started swaying from side to side. The alcohol he was pouring missed the glasses altogether, and I wondered if it was okay for me to lick it off the table instead. Nah... I thought. Na Jeong and I made love on this table. Na Jeong...

At the thought of her name, I looked back again at him. He was unscrewing the bottles of soju like they were beer and put one in front of me before smiling. "I hated you for a long time, you know," he said, his face growing more sober. He seemed to be staring at his bottle a little too intensely.

"Yeah... The feeling's mutual," I said, taking a hard swig of the soju "You were Na Jeong's first love. You knew all her secrets. All her dreams. You were always her first choice... If you hadn't fucked up while she was in Australia, you'd probably be married now." My heart tightened inside me as I acknowledged this long held belief of mine. Fuck it. I'm just going to say what I want to say.

He gave me a sad smile before he answered me. "Yah... Do you really believe that? Do you really believe that the Na Jeong now would have chosen me over you? I'm not talking about now, obviously... It's been over for far too long. But a year ago, do you think she would have chosen me?"

I swallowed the lump on the back of my throat as I took a swig of the liquor and watched him do the same. "I don't know what to think," I confessed. "I think maybe, if you had asked her for another chance, maybe, she would have agreed. She... She really loved you."

He looked at me closely with his eyebrows furrowed. "I did ask her for another chance." My eyes lifted to his in surprise. "I practically begged her for one, in fact." He took another long swallow before looking at me. "She wasn't in love with me anymore... I thought it was because of you, but I was wrong." I looked at him questioningly, wanting to ask him to elaborate, but he continued speaking before I could ask. "The choice was never about us. She didn't choose between me or you... She chose herself. By doing that, she realized that she was already in love with you... She wasn't even going to consider trying one more time with me. She was done."

I swirled the liquid remaining in my bottle before I took another swallow. "Sunbae... Why are you telling me this?" I asked him. My mind is fuzzy and I am not sure I am hearing his words right.

"Yah... Chilbong-ah... I'm telling you this because you need to know that you were never her second choice. If you considered thinking that way, which I think you did. By the time you left again for America, you were her only choice... You need to understand that. While you were gone, she could have easily gone back to me or tried dating other people... But she didn't, because she already knew she wanted you. For Na Jeong, it was either you or no one. So no matter how hard it gets, don't ever forget that and take her for granted. And for fuck's sake... Don't push her away. She's making all our lives miserable." He stared at his glass for a few minutes before he met my eyes and gave me a smile. "Whenever I see her, I still see a glimpse of the Na Jeong I was in love with sometimes. But mainly I see the Na Jeong who is in love with you..." He took a deep breath before proceeding. "As her ex-boyfriend, I have to admit I hate it sometimes... But that's just me being stupid... But as her Oppa, I couldn't be happier for her." He cleared his throat. "I could never have given her up to anyone else, Kim Jae Joon... No one else could love her more and that includes me... I knew that even six years ago, punk."

"Sunbae..."

"Yah... After this heart to heart conversation, you're still going to call me Sunbae? I pour my heart out to you and give you free advice and everything... And you're still not calling me anything else but Sunbae? Call me... Call me Hyung!"

To be honest, I am getting dizzy all of a sudden. It kind of feels like the world is spinning and when I looked at my bottle, I realized I've already finished it. How many drinks have I had, exactly? I look at Jung Gook Sunbae, except now he's looking closely at something on the table.

"I'm going to need... A hell of a lot more liquor... To be able to call you that..." He met my eyes and unscrewed the remaining bottle.

"We best get to it, then..." He said, chuckling. It suddenly hit me how bizarre this situation was, and I started laughing.

An hour later, I lift my head up from the table to see him tipping an empty bottle over to get the remaining drops of soju. Following his lead, I do the same to the bottles that were on the table. When I could barely get a drop, I became so sad I wanted to cry... It's all gone... All gone...

"HYUNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!" I wailed, wondering if it's rude to send a guest out for more liquor.

"Joooooooon-ie... Why... Why aaaaare you screeeeeaming? Are you trying toooo blow... Bloooow my eeeeeardrums out or what?" He asked, annoyed. "I want tooooo cry right now.... The sooooooju... Sooooooju is goooooone..."

"Hyuuuung, I'm... I'm goooooing to teeell you something reeeeally... REEEEALLY... impoooortant," I declared. "Uuuuuuuuuriiiiii Na... Na Jeoooongie will be... Will be my wifeeeee!!! I want to hhhhhhave... Have maaaany maaany kids with her... Seeeven... Yes... Seeeven kids... Dooooo you think... Think I caaaan make them aaaaaall loooook like her? You're a dooctoooor... Tell meeeee! TEEEELL ME..."

"Thaaat... That won't haaaaappen," he said, blinking at me like he had forgotten what he was going to say for a minute. "Ahhh... Thaaaaat won't happen.... Unlessssss... Unlessssss she taaaaakes you back... Pu... Pu... Puuunk! If I waaaasssss a girl... Hehehehe... I wouldn't taaaake you baaaaaack..."

"But Hyuuuung... You would loooook ugly... Reeeeeally uuuuugly as a girl..." I pouted at him and when I tried to imagine him as a girl, I snorted in laughter.

"I would beeeee a pretty girl... A phheeetty girl," he said, smoothing his hair down. "That's nooooot the point... You're as baaaad as... As baaaaad as Jeeeeoooong... My poooooint is... I aaaaam... I am gooooooing to kill yooooouu... Uuuuuri Jeooongie cries beeeeecause of yoooou! You're an idiiiiiiooooot! IDIIIIIOOOT!"

"Yoooou're right... Riiiiiight," I said, putting my head down on the table. "Thaaanks a... Aaaa lot. Now I feeeeel... I feeeeeel shiiiitty again!"

"You knoooow what... Whaaaat would maaaaake you feeeeel better, Joooooon-ie? More sooo... Sooooooju! And snaaaaacks!" He tried to get up only to steady himself with his hand on the table. "Hyung... Hyuuuung will get sooooome... Hyung will maaaaake us feeeeeeel better."

I put my head back down, prepared to wait as long as possible for more alcohol. I love having a Hyung. I mean... Jung Jin Hyung is the best. This is why Na Jeong and I need to have a lot of babies. So there are unnies... And hyungs... And noonas... And oppas. Our kids will never be lonely... Never... I opened one eye and spotted Hyung bump into the wall as he walked towards... Somewhere. Feeling so tired all of a sudden I laid my head down on my forearm. I'll just close my eyes until Hyung comes back.

##

## August 24, 2001

## 7:30 p.m.

## Na Jeong

"Yah, Kim Jae Joon... Get your act together!!! Do you know how amazing I am? You will really regret losing me!" I practiced saying as I stood in front of the refrigerator looking for food to bring to Joon's apartment. I don't think it's strong enough yet... I cleared my throat and said a little more loudly... "YAH KIM JAE JOON! GET YOURSELF TOGETHER OR YOU'LL LOSE ME FOREVER!" I can't say that knowing I won't be able to carry through with my ultimatum. My credibility is on the line. I started stacking some banchan containers together in a bag, still trying to figure out how to convince Joon that he needs to snap out of it.

"Na Jeong-ah, are you on the phone with Joon?" Omma asked, peeking her head around the doorway.

"Ah, Omma... No, not yet... I was just rehearsing." She looked confused for a minute but nodded anyway. I saw Appa go into the kitchen with a newspaper, still in his Coach's uniform. He sat down at the table and turning to face the counter again, I continued packing. Hmm, maybe I should take a different approach. Maybe I should? NO... I shouldn't. But... But... Magazines always say it works. I coughed to clear my throat and tried saying it, even as it made me cringe. "Joon Oppaaa...." No, my voice needs to be higher for this. Try one more time. "Joon-ie Oppaaaaaa... No, no, no.... I can't do that. What am I? Fifteen?" I placed the last of the containers down in the second bag before putting it down on the floor. When I raised my head up, I felt Appa's eyes watching me. He blinked at me a few times before he spoke.

"Yeobo," he called out to Omma. "Your daughter is talking to herself again... But this time she's using aegyo? Something is wrong with her."

"Appa..." I said warningly.

"I'm not judging you," he said innocently. "I just thought your mother would want to know that you've gone crazy again."

I picked the two bags from the floor and started making my way towards the front door when Omma came into the kitchen, Sook Sook in tow. "Sook Sook-ah... Why are you still awake?"

"Noona, I have no school tomorrow. I want to see Joon Hyung with you!" He said, wrapping his arms around my legs. I bent down and looked him in the eyes before I spoke.

"Sook Sook-ah... Joon Hyung doesn't feel good yet... But I'll make sure that when he does he visits you first, okay?"

"Noona... Does he have a booboo?" he asked, worried. "You and Omma always kiss my booboos to make it feel better. You should kiss his booboo too."

Appa stood up with his arms crossed over his chest. "NO KISSING OF ANY SORTS... If you want to make him feel better, just pat him. Gently. But pat him."

"Appa... Is Joon a dog?" I blinked at him and then turned my attention back to Sook Sook. I nodded at him as he wrapped his arms around my neck. Omma smiled at us as I stood back up. "Na Jeong-ah... I thought you were bringing the food to Joon?"

"Omma, I am." Noting her confused expression, I asked, "Why?"

"You have enough food there to feed two dozen people..."

"Well... I don't plan on leaving his place until he and I have argued and sorted our way out of whatever mess this is together. The key word being together." I noted the approval in her eyes and picked up the bags.

"Na Jeong-ah... If you're going to be eating there too... Maybe you should bring more food," she suggested, walking to the cupboards and pulling out packets of ramyun.

"Omma," I started, but she didn't seem to be paying attention to me. "OMMA... I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE HANDS TO CARRY ANYTHING ELSE!" Omma turned around and nodded. "I'm leaving now." I was already almost out the door when I heard Appa screaming.

"No kissing! You hear me? NO KISSING!"

I was still shaking my head at my family when I flagged a cab down to make my way to Joon's apartment. Once settled in the cab, I thought about what approach will work best with him. I need to be at my most persuasive. The magazines always tell me one thing but none of them have worked in the past. Deciding I needed some help from someone who would have no reason to lie, I called out, "Ahjussi..." to the cab driver.

"Yes, Agasshi... Did you have a question?" Our eyes met on the rear view mirror and he looked politely curious.

"Ahjussi... If your wife wanted you to do something and you didn't want to do it... What would she have to say to convince you that you should?"

"Agasshi..." He said. "She calls me Oppa."

"Aishh..." I muttered under my breath. "Okay Ahjussi, thanks!" Yeah... I won't be following that advice. Only under the direst of direst circumstances will I ever call him Oppa. He'll either take me as I am or he doesn't have to take me at all.

Within minutes, I found myself looking up at the familiar view of Joon's building. I haven't been here in a week. Somehow it feels even longer than that. I was so busy looking up and balancing what I was carrying that I didn't realize there was a step up until the bags had come flying out of my hands and onto the pavement.

"Shit!" I exclaimed when I saw that my once pristine skirt is now covered in dirt and I had skinned both my knees as well as my palms due to the fall. And my right knee decided that it will start bleeding as soon as I stood up. Shaking my head, I hoped that this was not a sign of things to come. I bent back down to make sure that all the containers remained intact and no food was spilled before putting them all back in the bags. I avoided prying eyes as I stood in the elevator, waiting to get to Joon's floor.

When at last, I finally arrived there, I walked slowly to his door, unsure of how he would react to seeing me again. Did he even get my messages? Knowing Joon, he probably didn't even have his phone plugged in or something. I lifted my finger to enter his door code and was irritated when it didn't work. I then realized that he's changed it. What the hell? I'm gone for only a week and he's going around changing his locks? I tried it again, thinking that it was just a mistake but it still rejected me. Strangely I saw his car keys right outside his door. What happened? My mind ran through every possible scenario and I rang the bell once, getting worried now, and when the answer didn't come as quickly as I wanted, I kept pressing the bell until finally I heard the buzz that would allow me entry.

I walked into Joon's apartment and saw that all the lights are off but for the one by the entryway and the one by the kitchen. The first person I saw was not Joon, but Oppa, with his forehead leaning against the wall, looking like he was about to pass out.

"Naaaaa... Na Jeoooong-ah... You caaaaame?" He asked drunkenly, his lip swollen.

I frowned at him before I looked around for Joon, when I spotted him sitting at the kitchen table with his face flat on the surface. I was trying to figure out what happened here when I saw the three empty bottles of soju on the table and an additional two empty bottles on the kitchen counter. Walking carefully around the debris on the floor, I placed the food on the small space left on the counter before turning my attention to the two very inebriated men in this apartment. Marching over to Oppa, I got there just in time to see him sliding onto the floor.

"OPPA!!!" I screamed in his ear before taking him by the ear to stand back up.

"Owwww!!! Oww!!! Yaaah... Sung Naaa Jeong... What is wroooong with you?"

"Oppa," I said, a threat in my voice. "I asked you to talk to him, not get him drunk! Aigoo... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

I hit his shoulder repeatedly and he ran to hide behind Joon. "What were you thinking? Oppa, he's been taking pain medication!!!! You're a doctor... You know that stuff shouldn't be mixed with alcohol!"

"Jeoooong-ah..."

"Don't Jeong-ah me!" I walked over to where he was and pointed my finger at him. "Were you trying to kill him?"

"He's fiiii... Fine," he said, as we both looked at Joon unmoving on the table. "Besides eveeeen if he wasn't. I'm a... I'm a doctor. I could saaaave him."

"Oppa... How can you think of yourself right now? Look at him! I swear to God and Hoon Oppa... If Joon dies I'm killing you too!"

"Na Jeoooong-ah... You keep screeeaming like that and you'll wake him up! Can't yoooou see he's sleeping soooo peacefully? Like a baaaaaby," he said, looking at Joon fondly? I smacked him at the back of his head and he glared at me before walking towards the living room. Looking like he was about to lay himself down on the couch, I walked towards him.

"Oh no you don't..." Grabbing his sleeve and pulling him to the exit. "Out... Out!" I said, shoving him out the door.

"I'm gooooing," he said. "You're so ruuuuude sometimes. Hooow... Hoooow are you goooooing to throw a druuuunk man out in the miiiiddle of the night?"

"Oppa... It's not even 9 o clock." I said and pushed him out.

I then walked over to Joon and pulled a chair next to his. He looked like he was breathing... Running my fingers through his hair, I said, "Jagiya... Are you okay? Joon-ah?" He started pushing my hand away, and I got confused. "Jagiya?"

"You beeetter stop calling meee that befoooore my girlfrieeeend... My giiiiiirlfriend hears yooooou! Uri Na Jeoongieee will kill yooooou," he muttered. Seriously, how can I be mad at him when he says things like this so earnestly? "And stooooop touching meeeee... I won't be respooooonsible if she cuts yoooour fingers ooooff!" His face broke out into a smile then. "She's so viooolent with everyone else but... Buuuut so gentle with meeee. I loooove her. So don't toooouch me!" He sniffled, still with his eyes closed. "I misssss her. She has these eeeeyes... She loooooks at me with those eeeeyes aaand I forget... Eeeeverything." I tried to touch his face then and he swatted my hand away. "The funny thing issss," he lifted his face then, his eyes still closed forming two lines on his face, and put his pointer finger up. "The fuuunniest thing is... I'm okaaay with it. I'm okaaay with not knowing aaaanything else as looong as she looks at meeee. Joooon-ah... She'll saaay and I tuuurn to goo in here..." Pointing to his chest, a small smile on his face. "I hated my naaaame for a long time... But she says it so sweeeetly... Even wheeen she's angry. You shooould see her when she's mad... Aaall fire and sparks flying out of that pretty moooouth." He opened one eye. "Aga... Agasshi... You looook a little like uri Na Jeoooong-ieeee. Am I dreaming noooow?" He asked himself. "Don't waaaake me up, okay? I don't want tooooo wake up and she's noooot here."

"Okay Kim Jae Joon-ssi, I get it. You love your girlfriend," I said, shaking my head. "She might get angry if she sees you like this, hmm? Let's get you to bed and have a little rest." I raised his left arm over my shoulder and tried to lift him to no avail. "Jagiya... You have to help me. You're too heavy. We need to get up, okay?"

"I wissssh she'd just geeeet angry at meeee," he said, finally getting up from the table. "I wish she'd yeeeeell and throw thingssss. Befoooore... Befoooore she and I were together she neeeeever yelled at me. That's how I kneeeeew she didn't like meeee. She was always sooooo polite. So fuuuuucking courteoooous. But then she fell in loooove with me and aaaaall of a sudden she would screeeeeam and yell and teeeeell me I'm wrooooong about things... Why did she stoooop calling me out on my shit?" He asked, his voice breaking.

I started to lead him towards the bedroom, our steps slow. "Maybe she was trying to give you some space," I said. "Maybe she didn't want to suffocate you so she gave you time alone... To figure things out on your own. "

"Agasssssshi... I've been aloooone my whole life. I've figured things oooout on my own... My whoooole life. Why wooooould I want that?" He asked, as I sat him down on the edge of the bed.

I bent down to take his slippers and socks off when I saw the two bags on the floor. I looked more closely and found them both full of baby items. My heart softened inside me when I realized that despite his protests and his denials, he would have stepped up had I been pregnant. This man... I thought, releasing my breath.

I proceeded to take his shoes and socks off and just stepped away long enough to avoid being kicked by him as he laid himself down in bed. I climbed onto the bed and tried to lift his shirt up only to have him shove my hand away. "Agassssssshi... Diiiiid you not hear me? I am Sung Na Jeoooooong's!!! Don't tooooouch meeeeee!"

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi, I know your Na Jeong. I think she'll be okay with me doing this," I reassured him. "Just this once, hmm?"

"Fineeee," he said. "But I woooon't be..."

"... Responsible. I know. I'll take responsibility. It'll be okay." Finally I got his shirt off and I noticed that there was already a bruise forming on his right shoulder. "Did Oppa do this?" I asked Joon but he was already asleep. I'm going to kill Oppa when I see him again. I laid Joon down gently and his head automatically went to my side of the bed and his hand wrapped around my pillow, as if he'd done this a million times before. Tears came to my eyes as I realized that he must have been doing this the whole time I was gone. I placed a kiss on his forehead, letting him sleep.

I got out of bed and stood in the middle of the bedroom, the room just as I left it almost a week ago. There was still the remnants of a vase and a frame on the floor, reminders of the last night I was here. Carefully picking up the shards, I noted that the picture that was in it was back on the bedside table, in a new frame.

I went to the living room and the kitchen, and there it was the same. It was as if time had frozen the night I left. Everything was still on the floor, his couch almost covered by the amount of rubbish that's piled up over it. I put the food in the fridge and started cleaning up, gathering all the mess in big trash bags. I reconnected his home phone to the wall. I plugged his computer back up. I gathered the bottles from the table and the counter and put them in a bag for recycling. When the alcohol accidentally touched the cut on my hands from my fall earlier, I hissed at the burn and almost dropped the bottle back on the table and spotted a folder. Figuring that it must be one of Joon's financial things, I placed it on the coffee table in the living room. I wiped everything down and cleaned everything up, and afterwards I looked around and satisfied that it now appeared more like the apartment that Joon would live in, I cooked some rice from the remainder in the small bag from the cupboards and turned the lights off before going back to the bedroom.

Joon lay on his side, the same position he was in before I started cleaning up. I kicked my slippers off, knowing that it's now safe to be in this apartment barefoot, and laid down next to him. I traced his face with my fingers, noting the dark circles under his eyes. I bit my lower lip as my palm hovered over his face. I know this face. I've missed this face.

"I'm sorry, Joon-ah," I whispered. "I should never have left but you just made me so angry. I know you didn't mean the stuff you were saying. I know that. But my temper. I was scared to tell you to get yourself together." I put my hand to his chest, his breathing slow and steady, his heart beating strong against my palm. I closed my eyes and kept my hands on him, unwilling to break contact even in sleep. Never again. I will never allow him to pull away again. This was my last thought before I fell asleep to the rhythm of his heart.

## August 24, 2001

## 11:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

My mouth felt like cotton. I tried to swallow but my mouth was so dry it was painful even to do that. My head throbbed painfully and I shut my eyes more tightly as it pounded mercilessly. I was supposed to go see Na Jeong, to apologize and beg for another chance. But then... Then what? I tried to remember what happened only to recall sitting at the table with Jung Gook Sunbae. Suddenly I recalled myself saying "Hyunnggg..." And I cringed at the memory.

When was the last time I've ever gotten this drunk? Never... I was always training. I always knew I couldn't drink that much. I shook my head as it dawned on me that I was lying in bed. How did I get here? Did he... Did he put me to bed? I'll never live this down, I thought.

I felt a warm breath over my face and suddenly got nervous. Did he... Did he go to bed with me? Gingerly I opened one eye, not knowing what to expect. Imagine my surprise when Na Jeong's beautiful face greeted me, her eyes closed, her face bathed in moonlight, the only light in this dark room. Am I dreaming? Am I imagining her here?

Hesitantly I lifted a finger to touch her, to make sure she was really here, with me. I realized then that her hand was on my chest, her fingers directly over my heart. I lifted her hand and placed a kiss on her palm before putting it down. It was only then that I noticed that her palm was covered in cuts. I lift her other hand and saw that it was as cut as the other. My gaze travelled down her length and I noticed with concern that both her knees were scraped, blood drying on the skin. I looked at her face then, noticing the dark shadows under her eyes. She's lost weight, I thought, as my heart squeezed tightly inside me. I did this... Guilt gnawed at me, and I had to swallow to keep it at bay. I brushed my hand over the side of her face.

"Joon-ah," she whispered, a small smile forming on her face and I felt a lump form in the back of my throat. Always. She always calls my name out when I do this. I laid on my back and stared at the ceiling, allowing the way she says my name to wrap me up like a warm blanket. I've never heard my name uttered that way by anyone else. Ever.

What's in a name? To other people, it's the first sign of love... The first sign of knowing with whom you belong. Isn't that the first gift given to a child when he's born? Isn't that what happens when a new member of a family is introduced? A name is given or a name is changed.

It's said in many emotions, called out in many tones. But for the lucky some, no matter the emotion or tone, there is the underlying presence of love no matter what. I have no such recollections of such things.

"Kim Jae Joon... Stop crying."

"Kim Jae Joon... Be a man."

My name was always said with a hint of resentment. I knew even when I was young that even my name came weighed by broken promises and broken dreams. Until baseball. To me who once wished to be nameless to avoid the bitter weight of loneliness... To me who once was functionless... Baseball finally gave me a place where my name was said in exaltation and in triumph. I became Chilbong... The baseball player. That had been enough, then. My brain registered it as acceptance. My heart gratefully took it as love.

Those things are not love... I knew that consciously. But it was the closest thing to love that I have ever known. Until her. I look over at Na Jeong, her face lost in sleep. Until her. My name on her mouth sounds a lot like hope and forever. I always hear the tender way it rolls off her tongue, amazed that it's accompanied by a smile. Always with a smile. It sounds like a melody, unyielding and unafraid, laden with promises, threaded with forgiveness. I don't deserve it. The melody of my name on her tongue. She deserves better. But I can't let her go. I won't let her go.

I realize now that it didn't matter whether I actually deserved her or not. For the first time in my life, I am consciously making the choice to be selfish. Not because life owes me anything, but because this is my choice. I am choosing to be happy. I am choosing love.

I carefully lift myself off the bed and made my way towards the bathroom. Once there, I open the cabinets to grab some plasters and some antibiotic cream. It was only on my way back out that I saw myself on the mirror. I looked the same, but my face was more angular and I only notice now how I've also lost weight. There were the same shadows under my eyes as there were Na Jeong's. All this time... All this time I thought it was just me hurting. All this time I thought it was just me affected. How could I not see that she was hurting, right along with me?

I go back to the bedroom and climbed back into bed. I carefully wash the cuts on her hands and her knees before applying some cream and covering them with plasters. Just as I was putting the last of the bandages on, she moved next to me and I look at her face only to see her eyes watching me. Her gaze met mine directly, unafraid and open, as if waiting for me to say something.

I scooted up the bed so that my face was directly opposite hers. I feel like I have so much to say, but all the words were stuck in my throat and I didn't know where to begin. As if understanding, she took my hand in hers and interwove her fingers with mine.

"Hey," she said.

"Hey back." My voice sounded gravelly, even to my ears.

"How have you been?" She asked, her eyes boring into mine.

Miserable. Lonely. Intolerable. "Fine," I answered.

"Liar," she said, a small smile forming on her face. "But if you're going to stick to that story..."

"How are you?" I asked hesitantly.

"Miserable. Lonely. Intolerable," she responded. "I was lost without you."

"I didn't hear your messages until today... Just in case you thought I was ignoring it. I wasn't."

"I should have come here instead and demanded that you talk to me," she replied, shrugging her shoulders. "I thought I was doing the right thing giving you some space."

"Yeah. I know. I thought you didn't care. I thought you gave up on me. I'm sorry for everything." An apology seemed inadequate for what I've put her through, but I'll take it one step at a time.

"I'm sorry too. We're both still new at this. We forgot who we were. It's just... You were so angry all the time. I didn't know what else I could do besides just be here. I thought about what would happen if I got angry too. I was scared you would hide even more." She paused for a few minutes before proceeding. "You blocked me out and turned away, hiding yourself from me." She smiled at me then, love shining in her eyes. "But I found you again. That's when I realized you weren't hiding. You were protecting me from you. Joon-ah, I don't need to be protected. Especially not from you."

"I was angry. Not at you. But myself. All those things I said... I didn't mean any of it. I was just trying to get a reaction out of you. I was trying to prove I was right."

"About what?" She asked.

"About people. About everything. I wanted to be right in thinking that I could only depend on myself. That you didn't really know me... So you couldn't possibly really love me," I said. "I didn't want you to see me weak. I didn't want anyone to use it against me. You could really hurt me." I took a deep breath before allowing myself to look at her again. "Do you want me to beg and grovel? I could do that. I could do... I would do anything for you."

She chuckled and ran her fingers through my hair. "Just you saying you would do that if I asked is enough. Why waste time doing that when the ending is the same?" I looked at her questioningly before she continued. "You and me. Us. This is the ending. No matter what."

I closed my eyes and let her words sink in. Us. I'm part of an us. I felt her lips then, over my face. I felt her plant kisses over my eyes and my cheeks and my nose. I opened my eyes as she wrapped her arms over my neck. "I love you," I said.

"I know... I love you too. You know that, right? Like you really understand, right?"

I nodded as I tucked her closer to me. "About the baby thing," I started.

"Yeah... Joon-ah... About the baby thing." She chuckled then. "I saw the two bags on the floor. What are you doing buying baby things anyway? Aren't you supposed to be saving money?" She got up before I could stop her and brought the two bags and spilling their contents on the bed. "What is all this? Why would you buy outfits when we didn't even know if I was pregnant for sure?" She rifled through the things and held something up. I wasn't even sure what it was, I was so intent on buying everything that I thought our baby would need. "Jagiya... A wipes warmer? Why would a baby need that?"

"It warms it up so that it's cosy and not cold," I replied, embarrassed.

"Joon-ah... Why would a baby care? Even if he did, does it matter? We don't want our baby getting used to getting his butt wiped with something that's perfectly heated!" She glared at me then and I had to hide a smile.

"Why not?" I asked. "Our baby deserves the best."

"Jagiya... First of all... We're not having a baby. Secondly, having the best is one thing but being spoiled is another. Why would we want that? What? So that when he grows up and realizes that he won't always have heated wipes he can throw a tantrum? No, thank you!" She lifted up the two pairs of shoes and looked at them closely.

"They're cute, right?" I asked, expecting her to agree.

"Joon-ah... Babies don't walk," she answered sternly. Putting the items back into the bags, she said, "I hope you still have the receipt for this because we're returning all of these. Well," she paused then set aside the little boy shoes. "Maybe except for this. We'll keep this for our son one day."

I reached over and picked up the little girl shoes, the ones I noticed first. "I like these," I said, setting them aside.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi, they don't fit you," she said, trying to pry my hands loose.

"NO! I want a daughter!" I protested, taking them back.

"Aigoo... Just a week ago you didn't even want a kid," she said, side eyeing me.

"Correction... I didn't think we were ready for a baby. Not that I didn't want one."

"What's changed?" She asked, her eyes looking at me closely.

"Nothing. Everything. The past week just opened my eyes to a lot. I'm still jobless though... And my shoulder is still messed up. But it's okay. Even if it's not. It will be okay. Eventually. I might not be a Major League Baseball Player anymore though." She stayed quiet, only looking at me through her lashes. "Na Jeong-ah, I'm going to lose a lot of things."

"Not me," she said with conviction. "You'll never lose me."

"It might get worse for me before it gets better. I'm going to apologize in advance. We're going to have to live like regular people... No more fancy restaurants and no jet setting to foreign places."

"Joon-ah, when have I ever cared about that? You're the one that is so obsessed with romancing me when you don't even need to. And... There's nothing wrong with just being regular people."

"Is it wrong of me?" I asked and she rested her elbow on the bed before meeting my eyes. "I wanted to be different. I wanted to be special. As selfish as it sounds, I wanted that. I didn't just want to be like everyone else."

"You're already special. You're already different," she said, tracing my face with her fingertips. "But it's not just because of baseball. You're not the same as everyone else. Something about you stands out. I can feel it with every part of me. And you've already met your goal."

"What goal? I've changed nothing. Not even myself. I wasn't capable, of even doing that."

"Joon-ah... You have those little voices in your head too, right? Telling you what's right and wrong? Questioning everything you do?" I nodded. "Well.. You need to tell that voice telling you what you are and are not capable of doing to shut the hell up. Replace it with my voice instead." She ran her fingers over my hair. "Because unlike that voice, I know you. I know who you are. Not the you who changes masks for the world, depending on your audience. I know the you behind all that. Beyond that silly voice in your head. Beyond the compromises you make. And I think you're pretty awesome."

"Jagiya... You're so biased," I teased, chuckling.

"So what? I should be biased. You're my man. And... You might not change the world but you've already changed my world."

"I get so scared whenever I think of not having baseball in my life anymore. It's the only thing I've ever been good at."

She shook her head at me. "Incorrect, Kim Jae Joon-sshi. Baseball isn't the only thing you're good at. You're really really good at loving me, too... When you're not being a crazy person. Seriously, Joon-ah, who knew? You're even more emotional and dramatic than me."

"I can change," I said defensively. "I can become..."

"Shhh," she said, putting her lips over mine. "Who asked you to change? You don't have to do that. If you want to, that's fine. But do it for you and not for me. I love you just as you are." She looked deep in thought. "And this whole not having a job thing... That's okay," she said easily. "We'll just have to figure out another..."

"Plan," I finished for her. "I'm already on it. I looked up some business courses at the University. Omma thinks I can get in next month if I really wanted to do it." I laid down and watched as she put the bags back down on the floor then climbed back on the bed and into my arms.

"So Omonim did find you and you spoke?" I nodded in response. "Joon-ah, I'm proud of you. I know that must have been hard. See? Things can change quickly. Just because you two weren't good for a long time doesn't mean you won't be good forever," she said quietly. "And just because you can't play professional ball anymore doesn't mean you have to stop playing it. I know it's a big part of your life."

"Yeah, I know that too."

"Did Oppa talk to you? He said something about another possible option if you didn't want surgery when I asked him about it."

"We talked... But we didn't talk about that."

"You two fought, didn't you? Did you fight each other or together?" When I didn't answer she just pursed her lips. "You know what? I don't want to know. Either way, you have to stop doing that."

"It's okay... We're fine. Hyung's not so bad," I replied. "Yah... You threw him out? He was drunk though... Was that safe?"

"What's this?" She said, irritated. "Less than one day and a few drinks later, he becomes hyung and you're taking his side? Yeah, I threw him out."

"Jagiya... That's so rude," I chastised. "You're lucky I love you so much."

She gave me a smile before tucking her head between my neck and my shoulder. "Joon-ah," she whispered against my skin. "What's the new passcode on your door?"

"Ahhh," I hesitated, not wanting to look like a fool.

"Yah... Are you not going to give it to me?" she asked, a frown on her face. "Fine... I won't visit..."

"It's 1994."

"You're so soft!" She teased. "If I didn't love you so much I would totally tease you with it! You're so lucky."

"Yeah. You speak the truth." She laid quietly on top of me and I savoured this feeling of having her this close to me again. Her stomach rumbled and I laughed. Some things never change. I realized I haven't eaten anything all day either. "You hungry?" I asked.

"Yeah, a little. Omma sent over some food and I already made rice, " she responded before getting up. "I think I'll go make you some hangover soup, though. Your head is probably killing you, judging from the amount you and Oppa drank."

She walked towards the direction of the kitchen and I stared at the ceiling, feeling like I haven't quite done enough, like I haven't said enough.

I followed her a few minutes later after putting a shirt on and watched as she pulled out ingredients from the fridge and put some beef bones in water to boil. She expertly diced and sliced some ginger and radish and measured out some doenjang. I've watched her do this so many times, but only now do I realize that this was always her way of showing her affection. I thought back on all the meals we've shared, even from six years ago... All the food she's prepared for me and all the packages she's sent. It was so simple and straightforward really. Just like her. I think, for the first time, that I finally understood her... The essence of who she is. There was an urgency to the situation that I can't put my finger on and overwhelmed by love, I cleared my throat and spoke.

"Na Jeong-ah..." I saw her about to turn around and knowing I'd lose my nerve if she did, I quickly added, "Don't turn around. I have something to say."

##

##

## August 25, 2001

## 12:30 a.m.

## Na Jeong

I heard Joon's footsteps behind me. I knew he liked watching me cook so I said nothing and just went about my business getting the hangover soup ready. I loved cooking for him. He's always so appreciative and it made me feel like I was giving him a gift every time he closed his eyes and enjoyed what I made. It's amazing how food can bring people back to a place in time. From now on I vow to make as many good memories with him. Starting with today. I heard him clear his throat.

"Na Jeong-ah..." I heard him say and I was about to turn around when he proceeded. "Don't turn around. I have something to say." I put the knife down on the cutting board and prepared to listen.

"You asked me who I was that day and I couldn't even answer you. That's because I didn't even know who I am. You have to understand that all my life I just became whoever people needed me to be. Afraid to be different, afraid of being rejected, I suppressed all the ugly sides of me to make myself more acceptable. I always thought I had to prove that my existence wasn't a mistake and I should just be happy with whatever was given to me. But now I know that I meant to be here. In this life. With you. Once homeless, I finally found my place in the world. Never in front of you and not behind you. But always next to you," he paused and I wondered if I should turn around now. This sounds like too momentous a conversation to be having while not facing each other. I was about to ask him if I should turn around when he continued. "You are the only person who I could have ever shown myself to. Because I always knew it... That your love for me knew no bounds. I never thanked you for that... So I'm thanking you now." My eyes filled with tears as I heard him speak haltingly, his words coming fast. It was as if he was afraid to slow down for fear of not being able to say everything.

"Who am I?" He continued. "I am a man in love with you. It doesn't define me, but it is the biggest part of me. Not because I need you, even though I do. Not because I want you, even though that's true too. But because I choose you. Not because I'm nothing without you, but because I'm everything with you. I am myself. I own myself. My life. My choices. My destiny."

"So who am I? I am Kim Jae Joon... The man who loves Sung Na Jeong... But that means nothing. I've been that man for six years. Maybe the more important part is that I am the man loved by Sung Na Jeong. I could do worse in life than being that person. But I can't do better. That I know for sure." I heard the hesitation in his voice even as my heart responded to his words.

"Will you take another chance on me? I'm selfish and I'm broken. I might hurt you sometimes. I might even make you cry. But I'll always admit when I'm wrong and I can spend my life making it up to you. And I can love you. For the rest of my life."

I turned around slowly to see him standing barefoot five feet away from me. I looked at his face, expectant and nervous and I had to hold a laugh. My man certainly has a flair for the dramatic.

"Joon-ah... Are you proposing to me right now?"

# EIGHTH INNING

## August 25, 2001

## 12:40 a.m.

## Chilbong

"Joon-ah... Are you proposing to me right now?" Wait, what? Her eyes twinkled at me as I looked for a response.

"No..." I said. How can I propose? I don't even have her ring with me. I suddenly felt embarrassed for letting my feelings get ahead of me.

"Really? It sounded like a proposal," she said disbelievingly.

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi... If I was proposing, you'd know!"

"Joon-ah... Don't get upset! I was just saying. It would have been a nice proposal speech had you been proposing but since you say you're not, thanks for telling me." She turned around to stir the hangover soup that was in the pot before turning to face me again. "Aren't you interested in my answer though... Had you been proposing?"

"NO! Because I wasn't proposing."

"Really? Because it sounded like a proposal to me, too." I watched as Na Jeong's eyes went to the living room, where Jung Gook Hyung now stood by the couch, scratching his head. "Na Jeong-ah... You're cooking? Joon-ah," he said, patting my arm as he walked by me. "That was beautiful. I would have said yes." He walked over to the fridge and grabbed a water bottle as I watched, incredulous.

"Oppa, what are you doing here?" Na Jeong asked as he turned on the television. Thank God I put a shirt on. I could have sworn Na Jeong said she threw him out.

"Ahh... I was tired. I just needed to sleep. And you didn't close the door fully. When will the food be ready?"

"Oppa... You need to leave."

"Jagiya, it's fine," I told her. "Let the man eat first." She narrowed her eyes at me but I just shook my head. "Do you need help?"

"No... It's almost done," she answered, annoyed.

I'm sure she's not happy about being overruled but I should be able to have some say too. I put a kiss on her forehead before pulling some bowls out from the cupboards. I set them down on the table before joining Hyung on the couch as he watched the news. I shook my head at the strangeness of this situation. Twenty four hours ago, I could never have foreseen this coming. I am convinced now more than ever that as long as Na Jeong is in my life, I would always stay on my toes. I looked over at her as she set the table and looked away just in time to see Hyung watching me, a small smile on his face. We watched television for a few minutes before we heard Na Jeong call out that the food was ready.

Hyung rushed to the table and sat down, and though she glared at him, she continued serving up the rice into bowls. She put the first bowl in front of me and though I appreciated the gesture, I slid it on the table to Hyung.

"Yah..." Na Jeong said.

"He's the oldest. You know better than to serve me first," I said. Hyung and I shared a smile and she volleyed back and forth at us with a displeased look on her face. I picked up my chopsticks and waited for her to bring the pot down on the table. Finally ready, she sat down next to me to my right and took my hand in hers, just as she's always done. I looked at her and gave her a smile and she smiled back at me.

I need to kiss her, I thought. Shouldn't we kiss if we made up? I was actually considering this when Hyung cleared his throat.

"Yah... I'm still here. I have to eat..." He complained, helping himself to some soup. Na Jeong looked like she was about to throw a chopstick at him so I just squeezed her hand and shook my head no. She smiled at me sheepishly before taking a spoonful of rice.

"Oppa... You're leaving after you eat, right?" When he diligently ignored her, I felt a motion under the table and heard a kick.

"Oww! Sung Na Jeong! What the hell?" He asked, glaring at her.

"You're going to leave after the food, right?" She asked again, raising her eyebrows.

"Na Jeong-ah... Are you the owner of this house? You don't get to throw me out! I'm having a good time with my dongseng," he said, winking at me. I grinned back at him, feeling like we've been reset back to 1994. I can't help it. I always liked Hyung, I thought, when I saw Na Jeong glaring at me. I turned my attention back on the food and started eating.

"Oppa... Did you do this?" She asked irritated, pulling her hand from mine and pointing at the bruise on my right shoulder.

"Na Jeong-ah," I interrupted, trying to stop her.

"What?" She looked at me and then turned back to Hyung. "Oppa... What did I tell you I'd do to you if you touched Joon? Aissh..."

"JAGIYA!" I said putting both my hands between them as it seemed like she was about to climb over the table to throttle Hyung. "I fell on the floor. He didn't do it." She looked at me disbelievingly before she relaxed back in her seat. She took my hand back in hers and we all resumed eating.

When the television turned to baseball news, I saw Na Jeong's eyes dart to the screen, as if trying to determine if she should get up and turn the television off. Just as she was about to get up from the chair, I put my hand on her arm to stop her.

"Jagiya... It's okay. We can keep it on. I can't avoid it forever, right?" She nodded and I gave her a kiss on her forehead. "From now on, I'm going to be like you. I'm done avoiding things. It is what it is." I saw Hyung watching our exchange from the corner of my eye, a look of approval on his face.

We finished our food and when Hyung got up, and Na Jeong's face relaxed. Is he leaving? I turned my eyes to hers and her gaze met mine before it landed on my lips. With that one look I felt like an engine that's been kick started back to life and not caring if anyone was around, I lifted my hand to brush over her face. She closed her eyes to my touch and her tongue peeked out to lick her bottom lip. Watching it glisten, I wondered if it's always been this plump.

I dragged my eyes away from her when I noticed that Hyung had not gone towards the door but towards the living room. Na Jeong still had her eyes closed and looked like she was puckering her lips when I heard Hyung speak.

"You two, come join me in the living room. I think I'm sober enough to actually talk to both of you about why I was here to begin with."

Na Jeong's eyes opened and she mouthed, 'Why is he still here?' to me. I shrugged my shoulders and stood up. I pulled her chair out and was rewarded with a smile.

"Jagiya, go ahead," she said as she pushed me towards the living room. "Oppa, I'll be right there. Let me clear the table first." She had just picked up a plate when I stopped her.

"Go sit. I'll do this." I picked up all the plates and was about to gather up the bowls when I saw her looking at me. "What?"

"Let's do it together," she said as she picked up the bowls and utensils.

We both went to the sink where I proceeded to wash the dirty dishes while she waited on my other side waiting to dry them.

"We still have a lot to talk about," she reminded me gently.

"Yeah, I know."

"Don't think you're going to get away with not talking about it," she warned. "You've been an..."

"An asshole," I finished for her. "I got it. We'll talk."

"I was going say an idiot, but okay." She nudged my side and smiled at me, making me chuckle.

When we were done she dried my hands and hers before holding out a palm. I took it and we walked hand in hand to the living room where Hyung was already sitting, folder in his lap. We sat down and I put my left arm around her and she kept her hand on my thigh.

Hyung narrowed his gaze at us. "Yah... Do you have to sit so close?"

He stood and sat himself down on the coffee table in front of us. "Na Jeong said that you don't want surgery?" I nodded but didn't say anything else. "We might have another option." I met my gaze questioningly and he nodded before opening the folder he brought. I felt Na Jeong take my hand and squeeze it reassuringly.

I searched her eyes and she looked at me, hope in her eyes. Hyung cleared his throat before putting himself to sit down between us.

"Oppa!" Na Jeong complained.

"I'm about to talk about something important and I can't do that with you two looking googly eyed at each other." He lifted a sheath of papers before turning to me. "There's a therapy that they've been using in America for a while. You've probably never heard of it. I know I wouldn't have known until I looked it up. It's called proliferation therapy."

"What?" I asked. "Why didn't any of the surgeons mention it?"

"Joon-ah, number one, they're surgeons. Their job is to cut you open and then fix you up. And secondly," he took a deep breath before he continued. "It's a little controversial. There's no real quantitative success associated with it. But since you're so against getting surgery, this is a little less invasive."

"What does it actually involve?" Na Jeong asked and I was relieved. My mind still feels a bit foggy and I'm processing things a little more slowly than usual.

"It's a month to three months of weekly injections," he said. "...Along with intensive physical therapy. They will inject Joon with a solution of sugar water on the affected areas, which in his case is back here," he pointed to the back of my right shoulder, "... And here," pointing to the ball of my shoulder. "That's where his injuries are."

"Injuries?" Na Jeong stammered. "I thought he only had one." Her face paled and she looked at me. "I thought you said it was only one."

"Ahh, about that..."

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi, you need to stop hiding shit from me," she muttered. She glared at me before Hyung spoke.

"Yah... You can argue later. You need to pay attention." He looked at Na Jeong pointedly and she looked like she was about to turn her wrath on him when I met her eyes. After a few minutes she finally relented and asked Hyung to continue.

"How did you know what my injuries are? The news didn't even know specifics," I said.

"Binggrae and I requested your medical records and films."

"But don't you need my signature for that?"

"We forged your signature," he answered easily. He met my eyes challengingly. "What... You have something to say? We wouldn't have had to do that if you actually returned anyone's call. People have been trying to talk to you for a couple of weeks. You have people watching out for you everywhere, even if you don't always know they're there. You have two doctors in the family and you're moping around like an idiot not talking to either of us, making us do these illegal things." He clucked his tongue at me and I mumbled an apology. "Should I record that? I thought I heard you apologize."

"Yah..." I said warningly. He shook his head at me in exasperation before looking at the papers he was holding.

"Anyway, it's just sugar water but the idea behind it is that it's supposed to strengthen connective tissue, stimulate development of new tissue and help with the pain. There have been studies done in America that support that with a lot of physical therapy it might work. Some athletes swear by it, too."

"Is he going to have to go back to America to get it?" I heard Na Jeong ask. Her voice was calm. Reasonable. So different from how she was the last time I left.

"Well... I asked the Chief of Medicine and he told me only one doctor is trained in Korea to do it. Lucky for you he's in Seoul. He doesn't even have a practice yet." He handed me a piece of paper with a name, address and phone number. "I already called him. He didn't want to, at first, but when I told him who his patient will be, he agreed to meet with you. It seems he's a fan and he's heard the news. I made an appointment for Monday at 2:30 p.m."

"Hyung..."

"Meet with him and find out at least if it's something you'll be willing to go through. And you," he added, turning to Na Jeong. "I made the appointment in the afternoon so you can go to work for half a day. I printed out some information about it... It's all in this folder. I suggest that you both read over it and write down any questions you may have so you can ask him when you meet with him." He stood up before I could say anything else.

"Oppa, you leaving?" Na Jeong asked.

"Yes. I have work in the morning," he responded before patting his back pocket for his wallet. I stood up, as did Na Jeong, and we all walked towards the door. "I'm going."

"Oppa, I'll call you," she said. He smiled at her before giving me an acknowledging nod and turning towards the direction of the elevator.

"Hyung," I called out before I walked towards him. He turned to face me and I held my hand out. "Thank you."

He looked at my outstretched hand suspiciously then my face before he took it. He shook it before saying, "Joon-ah, it will be okay. We'll all help you through this."

A lump in my throat, I could only nod. I waited until he was in the elevator before I walked back to the apartment, where Na Jeong was leaning against the doorway.

I followed her into the apartment and closed the door securely behind me. We sat back down on the couch, knowing that we still have some things to talk about but not quite knowing where to start.

"Joon-ah... How do you feel about what Oppa just talked about?"

I thought about it for a minute before I responded. "I think it's worth investigating. It's not as if I don't have time nowadays. I won't regret spending three months exploring this option if it means no surgery."

She turned to me with a serious look on her face. "Why didn't you tell me about how bad the injury was? You've been walking around with no expression on your face when you must have been in so much pain!" Her eyes glistened with tears and I put my arm around her and held her close.

"I'm okay. It wasn't so bad. I didn't tell you because it was neither here nor there. An injury is an injury."

"Joon-ah... I'm the one who's been practically living with you this whole month and you weren't okay. It was that bad. Stop downplaying everything because you're not fooling me. Let me in. If you're in pain, I want to know. If you're angry, I want to know that too. I can't help if you shut down and block me out 'for my own good'."

"Jagiya..."

"Don't 'jagiya' me," she said, now turning to me with her eyes blazing. "You can't shut down when things like this happen. Life isn't always easy or fair. I'm here. I love you. Let me share some of the burden. You don't have to carry it all on your shoulders. Especially now that you only have one. I have two perfectly good shoulders. I'm stronger than I look. Let me carry some of the weight too. I can handle it. I won't break."

"I know. It just seemed so unfair to burden you with this. It wasn't just the baseball thing. I didn't always have you. For a long time all I had was baseball. It freed me... From my childhood and all my memories of being left behind. So when I felt it slipping away I panicked. And then the nightmares came."

"The nightmares?" She said. "I know about your nightmares."

"I kept hoping they were going to stop, but they never do. Every night since I've been home, it was always the same. The worst part," I paused and took a deep breath. "The worst part is they're not just nightmares. They're memories."

"No wonder you were going insane. Next time, will you wake me up and tell me about it? Talking helps... It might not get rid of them but maybe they won't have such a powerful effect on you." She took my hand in hers. "Are they about Omonim and Abonim?"

"A lot of them are, but sometimes I dream about losing you too," I admitted.

"Well you know that's not a memory... I've never abandoned you."

"It wasn't a memory," I said, hesitant to put it into words, but I pushed the fear away and told her anyway. "They were memories... Of you, before you loved me. The six years I waited. I thought that I'd forgotten, but I guess I haven't. I'm sorry..."

"Joon-ah," she said and I prepared myself for the hurt in her voice. "First of all, it was five years, if you want to be accurate. I've loved you since you left, in January of last year. But since we're going there, you can hardly penalize me for thinking that I knew what I wanted. You know me enough now... You've seen see me and Oppa... The person I've become and Oppa... We wouldn't have been together. Could we have made it work? Probably. Would we have been happy? Maybe. But those things don't matter. The woman I grew into wanted more. The woman I became wanted you. It doesn't erase what happened and I can keep apologizing for it if I knew it was going to banish that thought away. But I know that's only one part. The other part I can't do anything about. That other part has to come from you... You have to forgive me. For whatever wrong you think I did. You can't hold that against me forever." She looked away from me before continuing. "You have to forgive me."

"You asked me a long time ago what happened while you were gone. What changed? I didn't think it mattered but I think maybe you'll feel better if I told you what I had to go through. Before you left, we bumped into Oppa... Do you remember that?" I nodded. "I met with him and we talked about what went wrong. I had been distraught, caught up in the past. And then you left. And I fell apart. I couldn't find the strength to even get up out of bed. Yoon Jin had to force feed me a couple of times. I alternated between being angry and being sad. I didn't think I was going get through it. I didn't know what I wanted and I certainly didn't know who I was. But then I thought about something..." She looked at me then, a small smile on her face.

"I asked myself, 'what would Joon do?' He wouldn't give up, that's for sure. He wouldn't want me to give up because he loves me so muuucchh. He loved me so much he walked away from me, just so I can have some time to get myself together and figure out what I want on my own. Without his influence and without confusing me. I shouldn't make that sacrifice be worth nothing. I owed it to you and myself to make it matter. I spent a few months getting to know myself and learning to love myself, safe in the knowledge that you loved me and hoping that no matter what, you will love me. You didn't even have to be here physically... Just knowing that was enough. Your love is what ultimately made me do what I needed to do to become someone worthy of that. At that time I knew I wasn't there yet, but I'll get there. And that was because of you."

"I didn't do it just for you," I said, even though her words touched me. I didn't even think of that. "I did it for me, too. It wasn't all selfless. That's what I do when things get rough... I leave."

"You could have just spoken to me." She responded. "But... You did what you felt you had to do. That's part of who you are and that's your prerogative. But... Are you okay with it? Running away from everything? Avoiding the issue altogether? I'm not okay with it, but I'll find a way to be if you are. But I don't think you are. Or we wouldn't be talking right now."

"I didn't realize how much I hurt you then, but I know I hurt you now. The past month I mean. And that night." When she looked at me questioningly, I continued. "You know which night I'm talking about. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of it. I would do anything to take it back."

"How many times do I have to tell you it's okay? Yeah, it hurt but you didn't do it intentionally. You were hurting and it was projected towards me. You may have said hurtful things, but I'm pretty sure that my silence hurt you just as much as your words hurt me. It doesn't make it okay and God help you if you do it again, but it's the first time since I've known you that you messed up. Life is too short. Especially since I already knew that I'll forgive you. I know that we'll be together no matter how much time it will take. I just chose to free myself from the anger. Not even for you but for me."

"It feels like that was too easy. I don't deserve it. I..." Na Jeong put a finger to my lips before I could say anything else.

"Okay... Let's look at it like this. Let's say I stay mad and decide I'm going to make you pay for it not even a month... Let's say two weeks. What if in those two weeks something happened and I or you died. I know it's morbid but just go with it... You will spend the rest of your life miserable because I never forgave you. And I will spend the rest of my life miserable because the last thing you'll remember is my anger and not my love. And the love was... Is so much bigger than the anger. Do you need to see it visually? Should I draw us a pie graph?"

I shook my head no and thought about how lucky I am. This was the most humbling thing I have ever heard in my life. Tears fell from my eyes and I kept my head down.

"See? I can be sensible too. I know you. You don't think that I know that you will punish yourself more than I can? My mind may not consciously remember every memory I have of you from the past six years, but my heart does." She lifted my chin up so she could look at me in the eyes before she brushed my tears away with her fingers. "So whenever I say I love you, I mean I really really love you. Flaws and all. No conditions."

"I really really love you." I brushed her cheek with the back of my hand and though she gave me a shaky smile, tears also fell from her eyes. "Thank you. For being you. You're amazing."

"At least you recognize this now. Maybe you're not so stupid after all," she said and I smiled. "And that night..."

"I know I was rough," I shook my head at myself. That has to be one of the lowest points of my life. Thinking about it still shames me now. "I'm sorry... That'll never happen again. You have my word"

"You think I left because you were rough?" She smacked my good shoulder. "You're such a man, you know that? You may be a Seoul man but you're still a man. I don't mind rough. We can do rough. What I did mind was the lack of emotion part. You didn't even look at me! I could have been anyone! And during that time, I needed to feel connected to you. So you not even looking at me felt like you were pulling away even more. And you're right. If you ever do that again, I'll kill you."

"I'll kill myself."

"Deal." Her eyes dropped to my lips again and my heart started hammering in my chest. "Should we seal it with a kiss?" She asked.

"You don't think it's too soon?" I asked, my mind still on the last time I kissed her and the pregnancy scare.

"No," she said.

She launched herself at me before I could even ask her if she was sure. Her arms wrapped around my neck as her lips landed on mine. The smell of strawberry hit my nose as my lips met her soft mouth. I gave her a soft kiss, my lips savouring the feeling against hers after so long. I felt like we were kissing for the very first time again. Her eyes remained clear, so green today, and stayed fixed on mine. I nibbled on her lower lip, just the way I knew she liked it, and heard her moan. I brought my hand up to her hair and pulled the rubber band off, running my fingers through the tresses. She sighed into my mouth when my tongue met hers. Our tongues met leisurely and slowly, like we had all the time in the world. Her fingers were on my neck, just like I always did with hers and travelled down to my chest. I used my left arm to pull her closer and she tugged at the hem of my shirt to lift it up over my head. The sharp pain from trying to lift my arm out of the right sleeve made me wince and I tore my mouth off of hers.

"Jagiya?" She asked hesitantly.

I bit my lip as I slipped the shirt off. "I'm okay," I said, putting my mouth back on hers. She pushed my back against the back of the couch and I looked down to see long legs about to straddle me. I hardened instantaneously. This woman, I thought, will be the death of me. She slipped out of her shirt and I was met with a vision of Na Jeong with her hair down her shoulders, her breasts covered only by a lacy red bra. She took that off too, revealing inviting nipples. My tongue instinctively touched one even as my hand went to cup her other breast. I watched her beautiful face as my lips wrapped around her nipple and her eyes stayed on mine. She said my name breathlessly before she lowered herself on my lap.

"Oww," she said when her knees met the sofa. I remembered that both her knees were all scraped up. I noted her discomfort as her hands landed on both my shoulders for balance and I was reminded that both her hands held scrapes as well. She gingerly put just her fingers on my shoulders and I felt the sharp pain again when I lifted my right arm to support her back.

"Ouch," I said. She lifted her knees off the couch and took her hand off my right shoulder and was awkwardly trying to figure out a way to do this without hurting either one of us. I shook my head and started chuckling. "Jagiya," I said as annoyed eyes met mine. "This isn't going to work."

"What?" She asked. "We can make it work! We're not quitters!"

"It's okay," I responded, my hand on her waist. "It's not urgent... I'm good with waiting."

"Speak for yourself," she huffed before lifting herself off me. I watched as she grabbed her blouse from the floor and put it back on. She gave a frustrated sigh as she sat back down next to me. "Jagiya," she said. "How long do you think we'll have to wait? Until your shoulder is better?"

"Maybe," I said and looked at her just in time to see her frown. "Or maybe just until your cuts have healed up." Her face brightened and I had to smile. "Na Jeong-ah... You know," I whispered against her lips, "My shoulder is out commission but my mouth isn't. My fingers are still good, so are my hands. Everything still works."

She smiled at me so brightly my heart almost stopped. "Good... How long do you think it'll take for my skin to heal?"

"Jagiya... You're so obvious," I laughed. "It takes as long as it takes. We'll be okay. I promise." She nodded before a yawn came over her. "Are you tired?"

"Yeah. I haven't been sleeping well either."

We both got up from the couch and walked to the bedroom. I took my sweatpants off and laid down under the covers and watched as she helped herself to another of my shirts from the closet. I watched as she shimmied out of her skirt and took her blouse off, taking in the delicious view. This waiting is going to be hell. What was I thinking?

She walked to the bathroom and I heard the sink running. Minutes later she walked back in, her face cleaned, drying her hands on a towel. She climbed into bed and turned the lamp off before laying her head down on my chest.

"Do you have work in the morning? You still have some work clothes here," I asked quietly as I smoothed her hair down.

"No," she answered, lifting her head so she could look at me. "I took tomorrow off in case our negotiations ran longer than all night."

"Negotiations?" I asked. The last time I bargained with this woman she gave me such a hard time.

"Yes, negotiations. Yah... Did you think I was going show up here without a game plan? I was NOT expecting to come here to see you and Oppa drunk out of your minds. You and I... We were going have a serious discussion."

She laid her head back down. I was about to ask her if we needed to talk some more when I saw that her eyes had already drifted closed. I closed my own eyes as it hit me that all was right in my world again.

## August 25, 2001

## 4:45 a.m.

## Na Jeong

I woke up to Joon sitting up, clutching his shoulder, his body trembling as he was trying to catch his breath. I thought of asking him what happened when I realized he must just have had another nightmare. Silently I wrapped my arms around him and he resisted for one minute before his body relaxed in my arms.

"Shhh," I said, running my fingers through his hair. "It's okay. I'm here." He tucked his head on my neck and then released a long breath. We laid back down and he kept his head on my chest while my hand started rubbing his back. "Joon-ah... Do you want to talk about it?" When he hesitated, I decided to let him know that I already knew more than he thought I did. I took a deep breath before I spoke. "I know Omonim left Abonim when you were very young. I also know you couldn't wait to leave Abonim's house. I know Omonim got married a second time in 1994... And I know you two don't see each other that much."

Without lifting his head, I felt his arm tighten around me. "Omma left when I was 8. Even though I was young, I knew something was wrong... They fought every day. Appa wasn't wealthy then yet... He came from a pretty well off family but his business had failed, and he and Omma were fighting a lot about money. It was the same fight all the time. But one night, it was different. They started out fighting about money, then they started talking about separating and then they started fighting over me."

"About who you were going to live with?"

I felt him shake his head before he continued. "I wished they cared that much... No... They were fighting about who was going to be stuck with me. Omma said she didn't want me, then Appa said he didn't, either," his voice broke and my heart broke along with it. "The next day I came home and Omma was gone. I looked for a note or anything that I thought she might have left for me. Anything that told me she thought about me even just a little bit before she left. But I couldn't find anything. Nothing... Except some radish kimchi. I would only eat a few pieces only when I missed her terribly. Just a little bit, I always told myself. I made that kimchi last for four months... I don't know how long I held out for the last few bites." My heart squeezed as I thought of Joon as a little boy, finding the container of radish kimchi and eating it little by little. "Appa... Appa completely broke down after she left. 'Don't ever love anyone too much, son', he used to tell me. 'You'll become like me.' He drank every night when he thought I'd gone to bed."

"Jagiya, I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Why are you sorry? You didn't do it."

"I'm sorry because no child should have to go through that." It's started to make sense now... How much worth he put on having money, how bitter his words were about my family loving me and how much he feared being left behind.

"He tried his best. I always had food to eat and clean clothes to wear. Not long after Omma left, he started another business. He worked all the time... I barely saw him, but I thought it was okay because he was going to be successful, which was his dream. In front of others, he always looked put together, but behind closed doors, he was broken. Damaged. I don't think he ever got over Omma leaving. The house was always so quiet. The silence suffocated me. I couldn't wait to get out of that house. And then baseball came." He paused for a few minutes and I stayed quiet, just letting him know that I'm still with him.

"To other people it's just a game. But it saved my life. It gave me friends, it gave me something to do and it got me out of that house. I always knew that if I became good at baseball I had a chance to stop relying on my Appa. Mainly I just wanted out. Then I got good at it and they gave me the nickname. Chilbong was confident, outgoing, friendly... A far cry from Kim Jae Joon. Chilbong was who I wanted to be. Not poor insecure Joon. I didn't see Omma again until I was almost done in high school. I had already accepted the scholarship to Yonsei and she was at Appa's door when I came home from practice. She said she saw an article about me on the paper. She smiled at me and I got so angry. I wanted to yell at her, to ask her if now I was good enough to be her son. But no, I didn't... I'm Chilbong. I sat with her and talked politely about school and the weather. It felt like I was talking to a stranger. She brought me another batch of radish kimchi. When she left I wanted to throw it out, but I couldn't. Even after all those years without her, my heart still remembered that my Omma was the first woman I ever loved. I wanted to hate her. But I couldn't. I was grateful she came back. Even if she's been gone almost as long as she lived with us. I hated myself for that."

It wasn't until he was done speaking that I noticed that he was crying. I put my lips to the top of his head and we sat in silence before I spoke.

"Joon-ah... How is your relationship with Abonim now?"

"He and I don't see each other often. The only time I spoke to him when I was away was when I called him for his birthday. I think seeing me hurts him, because I look so much like Omma. He used to look at me when I was a kid and I could practically see his heart breaking on his face. Even though I tried to do everything on my own when Omma left, I was a kid. I couldn't pay for things. I needed a place to live. I would have left, I swear to God I wanted to leave. I think he was relieved when I left to go to university. Me too. I was relieved. Finally, I thought, all his responsibility was done. Without baseball, I couldn't have left."

"I can't speak for your father, but I know for sure Omonim really loves you. And is really proud of you. She didn't say it in so many words when I saw her, but I know it's true."

"I know. She had my picture up on the wall when I came over for dinner. She said you gave it to her after I left." He finally lifted his head and though his eyes were still shadowed but he managed a small smile. "She also said you threatened to keep our kids away if she didn't start showing that she loved me. Na Jeong-ah..."

"I know. I may have overstepped my bounds, but she's a practical woman. I needed her to understand that I mean it. I can be practical too."

"I was about to thank you," he said. "I spoke to Omma."

"I know. You said," I reminded him. "You told me earlier."

"It was the weirdest thing. Surreal even. She sat me down and she had this scrapbook of all the articles she found online about me. It was the first time I ever felt really loved by Omma. It made me feel a little better."

"Jagiya, it's not going to happen all at once. One step at a time, right? Now at least you're one step closer than you were before."

He pulled away from me then, then laid on his side with his head on my pillow. Our bodies touched chest to knees and he lifted a hand to touch my face, a look of tenderness in his gaze.

"Thanks for telling me," I said. "I know it's not the easiest thing."

"Thanks for listening," he replied softly.

When his eyes started closing I could see him struggling to keep them open. Wondering if he's afraid to fall back asleep, I kissed both of his eyes.

"Sleep..." I whispered.

"I don't want another nightmare to come. I'll just stay awake. It's almost daylight now."

"There's nothing to be afraid of. I'm here. I'll protect you."

He leaned over and gave me the sweetest kiss. "I love you, Sung Na Jeong," he mumbled sleepily.

"I love you more, Kim Jae Joon."

He was already asleep by the time I finished my sentence. I waited until his breathing was steady and I was sure he was asleep until I allowed my own eyes to close.

## August 28, 2001

## 8:00 a.m.

## Chilbong

I was struggling with my shirt when Na Jeong walked into the bedroom with a cup of coffee. She stood on tiptoes and kissed me before stepping back and looking at me.

"You look a little too formal to be going for a walk," she commented as she noted my black trousers.

"I was thinking of seeing Jung Jin Hyung this morning," I replied. "He's leaving for San Francisco on Wednesday and I wanted to see him before he left." I cringed when I tried to slip into the right sleeve and Na Jeong easily helped me into it.

"Why is he going back to San Francisco?" She asked as she buttoned my shirt up. Though she was getting it done I noticed that her hands kept on touching the skin on my abdomen, her eyes fixed on my chest. My breath hitched and I could feel my body respond. I noticed that her hands were still bandaged and I told myself to slow down. We have time. She finished with my shirt and looked at me before grabbing me for a deeper kiss.

My tongue licked her lips before she allowed me entry. She tasted like coffee. The most delicious coffee in the world. Our tongues met urgently and I felt her heart racing against my chest. As I pulled her hips against mine I kept seeing her eyes dart behind me, and I realized that she was watching us on the mirror. Uri Na Jeong-ie surprises me every day. One day... When I'm back on my game, I will investigate further what she'll do in front of a mirror. I sucked on her tongue as she moaned and pulled me closer. I closed my eyes and savoured the feel of her lips on mine. I let my hand linger on the curve of one breast and the other on her hips. When I pulled away from her, her eyes were glazed and her lips swollen. She took a step back and I was about to pull her back into my arms before she started talking.

"No... I need to stay this far away from you or I won't care that you're injured and I'm all cut." I grinned at her and she frowned at me. "Don't smile at me like that."

She walked over to the bedside table and grabbed my coffee cup. She handed it to me and I followed her out to the kitchen. I was still drinking my coffee when I noticed that she was moving the newspaper away from me... As if there was something there she didn't want me to see.

"Jagiya... Give it," I demanded.

"Joon-ah... There's... There's nothing interesting in it. Really! Trust me," she said while looking at me, trying not to look suspicious but failing terribly.

"Na Jeong-ah..." I held my hand out to see it folded to the sports section, where I was expecting to see baseball news. I know she's trying to protect me and I appreciate it. I was still thinking of what article could they have possibly written about me now that I'm not playing, when I looked at what she'd been reading and started laughing. She had the paper on an article about Lee Sang Min Hyung and had drawn a heart around his face. I looked up to see her turning red. She tried to take it back but I held onto it.

"Yah... Do you love him or me more?" I asked teasingly.

"I love you both equally. It's a different type of love so it's okay... My love for Sang Min Oppa is like a fangirl love," she said. "But you're the love of my life. I'm nuts about you." I expected her to blush even more or turn away and be embarrassed for revealing so much, but her eyes met mine directly instead. And this is why I love this woman. She smiled at me and I took her in my arms.

"You can have your paper back," I said, putting it on the table. "Jagiya... You want to talk to him? I can call him right now."

"NO!!!!" She screamed. "I will fangirl love him from afar!"

"You sure? I mean, it's my job to make all your dreams come true... So if you want to talk to him, I can make that happen... Where is my phone anyway?" I looked around and tried to remember where I last saw my phone. I saw it sitting on the coffee table. "Ahh, there it is..."

I felt Na Jeong grab my arm before I could take one more step. "Joon-ah, you have to meet Jin-ie Oppa and I'm... Uhmm... I have to go to work." She grabbed her purse then gave me a quick peck on the lips and before I could even ask her if she needed a lift to work, she was already out the door. I was still chuckling and shaking my head when the door opened again and she ran over to me and gave me another kiss on the lips. Before I even had the opportunity to deepen the kiss she walked off again, saying, "Pick me up at 1:30 p.m. in case there's traffic. Love you. Bye."

##

## PAUL Bakery, Seoul

## August 28, 2001

## 9:00 a.m.

## Chilbong

I took the quick fifteen minute drive to where I was meeting Jung Jin Hyung and parked the car quickly. By the time I walked into Paul's I already spied him sitting at a table by the glass walls, drinking a cup of coffee, and glaring at his phone. I know he's not waiting for a text from me since I messaged him before I left the apartment and I wondered what could possibly make him frown so early in the day.

I placed a hand in his back and he turned around and stood up, a smile on his face as he looked me up and down. We shook hands and then sat down. A few minutes later, a server came by and dropped off our menus. After perusing the menu, I settled on an egg and cheese crepe and he ordered a mushroom omelette. Hyung waited until the server had gone to bring our orders to the kitchen before he spoke.

"Joon-ah, you're looking better," he said, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I feel better."

"You still have the nightmares?" He asked quietly.

"Yeah... But it's not so bad now. Na Jeong usually is with me and I don't panic as much when she's there." I looked out the window as I responded.

He lifted his eyes from his phone and smiled at me. "And Na Jeong? How is she dealing with all this? "

"Hyung... I'm not going to lie. It was bad for a little bit, but it's good now. Who knew talking could solve a lot of stuff?" I asked and he chuckled.

"I always knew that she was a tough cookie. I was worried the last time I saw you but I knew you guys were going to be okay. Na Jeong wouldn't let you go at it alone... That's just the type of woman she is."

I looked up as the server delivered our meals, along with a basket of bread. We ate in silence for a few minutes then I cleared my throat.

"Hyung," I started and he met my gaze. "I have an appointment this afternoon with an anaesthesiologist."

"Have you decided on getting surgery then?" I watched as he took a bite of his omelette then wiped his mouth with the napkin.

"It's not for surgery. It's another type of treatment. It can be done while I'm awake and I'll need a lot of physical therapy, but we'll see."

"Keep me abreast, hmm?" I nodded and I saw him looking at his phone again.

"Hyung... Are you expecting an important call or something? You haven't stopped looking at your phone since I got here." A blush spread over his cheeks as his face broke into a wide smile.

"Joon-ah... I met someone."

"What? I'm injured and you find time to date? You didn't have opportunities to meet women. Didn't you complain about this before? You said my schedule was too full and you don't get to go out on your own."

"Ahh... When I went back to San Francisco, I stopped at the hospital and saw your nurse. You know, to thank her for taking care of you." At my incredulous expression he looked down on his plate. "It's the polite thing to do. I am polite."

"Polite, my ass. Don't think I did not notice it. You were checking her out even as I sat in the hospital about to lose my future," I said, trying to sound annoyed.

"Yah... You punk," he said and it looked like he was about to throw a roll at me. "Have I not devoted the last four years taking care of you? Korea, Japan, America... Wherever you went... Didn't I move my life wherever you were?"

"Hyung, I was just teasing... I'm happy for you, she seemed nice." I have to take Na Jeong here one day, I thought as I bit into the fluffy crepe. She'd love this.

"Don't be too happy for me yet. She won't go out with me. I had to bribe one of the people that worked with her with one of your autographed press release pictures to get her number and she's responded a few times but out rightly said no when I asked her out. 'You look like a player', she said, 'and I don't go out with players.'" He shook his head even as I started laughing. "What?"

"Hyung... You are a player," I said, taking a sip of water. "You were always a love 'em and leave 'em kind of guy."

"That was true years ago but I'm getting older," he said defensively.

When I saw the serious look on his face, I forced myself to stop laughing. I should be more sympathetic. I know what it's like to have people use who they think I am against me. "Cheer up, Hyung. It's only been a few months. She can't possibly be tougher than Na Jeong. It took me six years to win her over."

"I'll persist... I'm going to wear her down."

"Hence the trip back to San Francisco?" I asked.

He nodded as he finished his meal. I quickly polished off the rest of my meal and sat back and looked at him. Gratitude came through me when I thought about how much he'd had to sacrifice for my career as well. He always went above and beyond what other managers did... I would know because more than once I was asked what I paid him by other players, and I know he's had better paying job offers. But he chose to stick with me. When I got injured he kept me moving and sane until I could get myself together. I could only imagine how hard it must have been for him, too. All at once I didn't just have a manager, but also a brother and a friend.

"Hyung," I said as he typed a message on his phone then put it down and looked at me. "Thank you... For everything. I could never have done everything I was able to do without you. In the off chance that I'm able to play baseball again, I would like if you would consider managing me again."

"I thought that went without saying but Joon-ah... Seriously, seeing you grow up not only as a baseball player, but as a person too, was a joy to watch. No matter what happens with baseball, you will be successful. I mean that." He reached under the table for a bag and he put it on the table. "I almost forgot... The rest of your stuff is at my place. But I thought you would want these."

I open the bag to see the jersey I got Sook Sook and I lifted that to see the signature baby blue box on the bottom.

"When are you proposing?" He asked. "You could have warned me. What if I had movers pack up your stuff? I saw the price tag on that ring and USD 26,000 is nothing to sniff at."

"I don't know yet, but I have plenty of time to think about it." I shrugged a shoulder. "What's next for you?"

"I'll wait and see what happens with your shoulder. Until then I'll devote myself to winning my woman over." I chuckled at his response.

"Hyung... I returned the money you sent back to your account this morning. I appreciate the gesture but you earned that. Don't even try to resend it... Because I will just return it back to you," I said as I put some cash in the check holder, not even giving him time to argue. I stood up and took the bag he brought. "I have to go. Call me when you get back from San Francisco and we'll hang out. I think it'll be nice spending time with you without you bossing me around, don't you think? We'll both be men of leisure after all."

"Yeah, I'd like that," he responded, standing up. "You didn't have to pay for breakfast."

"Hyung, I know. It's the least I can do." I offered him a hand to shake and he took it before wrapping his arms around me.

"Take care of yourself, Joon-ah. And your Na Jeong-ie, too."

"I will."

I stepped outside where the sun was shining brightly and wondered if I had enough time to stop somewhere else before the appointment. Looking at my list, I think I need to visit one more person.

## Seoul University National Hospital

## August 28, 2001

## 11:40 a.m.

## Chilbong

"What's up?" Dong Joon asked as we walked out of the hospital. "What are you doing here?"

"Yah... Can't I bring my only cousin some lunch?" I said as we sat down on the bench by the front entrance.

"You've never done it before, so I thought something was wrong. Everything okay?" I watched him as he took out the sandwich that I bought for him and took a bite.

"Yeah..." I cleared my throat before I continued. "Jung Gook Hyung told me that you guys requested my records from America."

"Ahh, about that... You're not going to get us arrested right? Because that will look really bad and Jin Yi will probably beat me."

I smiled at him. "Nah... You're fine. I actually," I coughed, "I owe you an apology."

"For what?" He asked, unscrewing the top off the drink in the bag.

"Just... For everything. I get so self-absorbed that I forget sometimes that I have you watching my back."

"Did Na Jeong put you up to this?" I shook my head no. "It's what family is here for, right? You probably don't know that... Actually, of course you wouldn't know how a family is supposed to work. You were an only child. And you grew up in a broken home. For you everything is a first time. It makes complete sense that your first instinct is to try to handle stuff on your own."

"I don't want to stay like this, Dong Joon-ah... I need to become better. Not just for Na Jeong and the family I want to build with her but for me too. It's exhausting, being that person." He looked at me in understanding and smiled.

"Just you saying that tell me that you're already changing. You wouldn't even talk about it before. I know if you want to change, whatever the reason may be, you will. You've never set a goal for yourself that you haven't met, yet. That's one of your strengths." He turned his gaze away before speaking again. "Na Jeong called me, you know."

"When?" She never mentioned this to me.

"The day after I saw you. I was going to call her anyway to check up on her, and you know... To gauge how close she was to breaking up with you. Since you told me the day before how badly you messed up. I thought I needed to smooth things over... Help her understand you a little better, so she can consider forgiving you. I called her and she started yelling at me. Asked me how I could abandon you. When I told her I've called you and seen you, she breathed a sigh of relief... Turns out I didn't have to explain anything. She understands." He stood up and I was afraid he was done talking when he turned to me. "Then SHE reassured ME that you were going to be fine. She said that she'll make sure of it even if she had to drag you out of whatever hell you're in. You don't know how relieved I felt hearing that, knowing that you finally have someone by your side that will always fight for you."

"I always had someone fighting for me," I said, standing up. "I just never realized he was there the whole time. Thank you, Dong Joon-ah."

"Yah..." He said uncomfortably. "We're not, like, going to start hugging and crying, right?

"No. I've just become more self-aware, not become a completely different person." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Don't you have to get back to work?"

He looked at his watch and nodded. "Yeah... Lunch time is done. Where are you off to?"

"I have an appointment with the doctor... The one you and Hyung found for me."

"Do you need me to come with you? Its short notice but I could probably tell them it's a family emergency..."

"Na Jeong is coming with me," I interjected. "I'll let you know how it goes."

"Okay." He started walking back towards the hospital and as he was about to open the door, I called out to him.

"Do you and Noona have plans this weekend? Come over to the apartment Saturday night for dinner. I'm going to try to get everyone together."

"Call me with the details when you know. You better let Na Jeong know, if you haven't discussed this with her yet. She doesn't like surprises."

"Yeah, yeah..." I said, giving him a wave. I walked quickly towards the parking lot and got into the car. Feeling a little lighter than I have in a month, I hummed along with the song playing on the radio as I went to pick Na Jeong up.

## LG Tower

## August 28, 2000

## 1:25 p.m.

## Na Jeong

I got out of work at exactly 1:25 p.m. I should have eaten breakfast, I thought to myself as my stomach rumbled and I dug into my bag for the kimbap I picked up on my way to work. Unwrapping and eating it as I walked out of my office building, I checked my purse for the folder containing all the information regarding this prolotherapy, along with a list of questions we had written down for the doctor. Looking at my watch, I noted that Joon was supposed to be here soon and wondered if I should call him to make sure he remembered. I had just pulled my phone out of my purse when I saw Joon sitting on the hood of his car, his face basked in the sunlight.

He still looks a little gaunt for my liking but he's eating three meals a day now and taking a walk every day since this weekend. "My legs still work", he said, "and I need to keep moving." I know why he does it. He needs a new routine to replace his old one. I offered to go with him, but he said not yet. He said he needed to get his mind right and that he needed to be able to do some things on his own. I accept and respect it. I know he's not doing it to pull away from me but to properly learn what it's like to be able to handle something on his own. I see it in his eyes now, what's been missing for the past month, the determination. He's a proud man, and I'm assured that he'll let me know when he needs me. I told him it's okay if he doesn't tell me everything... Just as long as he tells me about the things that matter.

I called Omma yesterday to let her know that Joon was okay and to ask how I should approach this. Do I need to ask Joon to tell me everything? The magazines all said yes, but Omma told me that she and Appa still keep secrets from each other... That a relationship needs that. She said that we are not one person, and we still have our own selves, but we need to remember always that we're fighting for the same team. Omma has always given me good advice and she's never steered me down the wrong path before. I really need to stop reading those magazines.

My breath hitched as I watched him lift his face slowly to the sun. The light caressed his cheek and he closed his eyes for a brief minute, as if savouring it before he lowered his face again. It's just like Joon to never allow himself to enjoy anything too much. We will have to rectify that.

I walked towards the car and finally he saw me. Our gazes met and a slow smile lit up his face. The past month has taken its toll, I thought, he is still thinner than I'd like. The angles on his face were more prominent. He's lost some muscle mass even though he still filled a white shirt better than anyone else I know. All fixable.

My mouth curved into a smile when he started walking towards me. He may walk with his head down anywhere else nowadays, but not towards me. Joon always knew his way to me, his strides confident and sure. When at last he was in front of me I wrapped my arms around his waist and he planted a kiss on the top of my head.

"How was work?" He asked as he took my hand in his as we walked towards the car.

"It was busy. Mondays are tough," I answered easily.

"Did they give you a hard time about taking half a day off?"

"No, it's okay." I looked at him. "How is Jin-ie Oppa?"

"He's good... He's in love," he replied with a smile on his face.

"Really? He doesn't seem like someone who's into the love thing," I said. I noticed Joon paling and wondered if he was in pain. "Are you okay?" I asked as he let go of my hand and sped up to the car, where he opened the passenger seat and tossed something to the back seat. I thought it was a little strange but wasn't going to push. If it was important he would tell me. He held the car door open and I sat down before looking behind me and seeing a shopping bag. He must have been shopping. Not a big deal. Speaking of which...

"Jagiya, we need to return those baby things this weekend," I said as I placed a kiss on his lips when he sat down in the driver's seat.

"Okay... Omma messaged me yesterday and asked if we wanted to have dinner on Sunday. Actually she told me to come over for dinner and told me to bring you," he said. "Is that okay?"

"Yeah, it's good," I answered with an easy smile. I pulled my phone out of my purse. "Let me text her back."

Joon pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road before he spoke again. "Jagiya... You know I meant my Omma right?" He asked uneasily.

"Yes. I know you meant Omonim," I replied as I looked into my contacts for her number and started typing a response.

"You and Omma text now? When did that start?"

"I gave her my number when I threat... Uhmm... Spoke to her months ago. She called me last week too... Is that a problem?"

He shook his head no. "No... It's good. Na Jeong-ah... Do you have the address for the doctor?"

Do I? I fished in my purse for the piece of paper and read it out loud. "Dr. Lee Sang Ryul... Seokchon-dong 296-10, Songpa-gu, Opus building 2F Seoul... Joon-ah, does that sound familiar to you?"

"I think so," he answered.

"Are you sure? Because it's 1:45 p.m. now and our appointment is at..."

"Na Jeong-ah, I got it," he said vehemently. Okay... I got it. I kept quiet and looked out the window.

Joon drove like he knew where he was going, but after about 20 minutes and we passed the same restaurant thrice, I decided that he might not know after all.

"Jagiya... Do you think we should stop and ask someone?" I asked helpfully. "You don't even have to get out of the car or anything... I'll ask."

"Sung Na Jeong... I know where..."

"Yah, Kim Jae Joon... We've been going around in circles for the past ten minutes." He turned to me as he brake at the stoplight. "You're just like Appa, you know that? What's up with men and directions?"

"Really?" He asked, pleased. He chuckled as if remembering something before his expression became more serious. He signalled and then parked the car at the space on the street. I looked at where we were and turned back to him, trying not to huff.

"Jagiya, we're here."

He looked at me surprised when I pointed to the name on the building. He had been driving so quickly before I didn't even get to read anything. He gave me a sheepish smile before taking the car keys out of the ignition. He stepped out and I watched as he made his way to my side, wondering how anyone injured can still look this good. He was wearing his black slacks and white shirt... Something every office worker wears every day, but on Joon it looked effortless and expensive. My hands are healed now... By this weekend I should be all patched up. And then...By the time he opened my car door, I was already flushed from my thoughts.

"You okay?" He asked, looking at me closely.

"YES!" I exclaimed a little louder than I expected.

Although he looked at me like he didn't believe me, he nodded and pressed the car lock from his keys. I took the hand he offered and we walked into the building together. We passed several marked doors but we didn't see the doctor's name when I remembered Oppa mentioning that his practice hasn't been established yet. I was about to call the number on the paper when a man exited an unmarked door and paused when he saw Joon.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi," he said, extending a hand to Joon. "I'm Dr. Lee Sang Ryul. I believe Dr. Kim Jung Gook set up your appointment with me? I was just about to check on you since I don't have any signs yet." He looked at me then and gave me a smile and I warmed to him instantly. I gave him a smile in response and felt Joon stiffen next to me.

"Ah, yes," he said, shaking his hand. "This is Sung Na Jeong, my girlfriend."

Dr. Lee nodded at me in acknowledgment before opening the door to his office. I was taking a step to follow him in when I heard Joon whisper in my ear. "Yah... Do you have to smile like that? Do you know how irresistible you are when you smile?"

"Joon-ah... You're cute. Corny but cute." He blushed and I kissed his hand. "That's okay though. You can be corny with me anytime."

He grinned at me and I relaxed. I want to try to get him as comfortable as possible for this appointment. We both need clear heads for this. I looked around as he led us past what looks like what would be the reception are and to an interior room.

"Forgive the mess," Dr. Lee said apologetically in front of us before turning into an office with a great view of the city. He motioned for us to sit down on leather seats before he sat himself down. "We have another few months before we actually open officially, so we're still trying to get the office together."

"It looks like it's going to be a big practice," Joon said.

"Yes, we will be specializing in pain management, nerve blocks, acupuncture and as you know, prolotherapy... Things like that. Treatment without surgery. I'll have two other doctors here when we start, but I'm currently the only one in the country to do prolotherapy. Dr. Kim, your friend..."

"He's my brother, well kind of... " Joon interrupted before I could say anything and Dr. Lee nodded.

"Well, Dr. Kim already brought over your records for me to look at before he even made the appointment. I told him that though it's not guaranteed, I think I can help. I've gone over some things with him, but I'm sure you have questions before deciding on whether or not you would want the treatment." He looked down at a chart in front of him before he directed his attention to us again. "Before we start, would either one of you like any coffee or tea? We have water too."

"A cup of coffee would be great, thank you. Jagiya?" He asked, turning to me.

"Coffee also, please."

"I'll just be a few minutes. Please, make yourselves comfortable."

He left the office and we were left on our own. I brushed a hand on the side of his face and asked him if he was nervous.

"A little," he said. "But I'm good."

"I'm proud of you, " I said quietly. "Oh... Oppa's your brother now? Aigoo... Amazing what soju does..." My words trailed off when I saw the physician enter the room with a tray holding three cups of coffee. He placed the two cups in front of us, along with a little jar of sugar and some milk before sitting down with his own.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi," Dr. Lee said, addressing Joon as he was about to fix his coffee. He stopped what he was doing at the sound of his name and looked up. "Have you ever seen your radiology films?"

Coffee forgotten, Joon shook his head no. Dr. Lee stood up and put some films on a window looking thing on the wall before darkening the room and turning its switch on. Joon stood next to him as they perused the films together. I finished fixing Joon's coffee before fixing my own then turned my attention to the conversation they were having. Unable to hear anything from my seat, I walked over next to Joon and he handed him his cup. He mouthed his thanks before giving the doctor his full attention.

"If you look here," Dr. Lee said, pointing to a spot on the first X-ray, "This spot... It's not supposed to be there... That's the first injury. The Superior Labrum Anterior and Posterior tear. And here," he continued, pointing at the second film, "is your second injury, the rotator cuff tear. You're lucky it's only a partial tear and not a full one. Your options for non-surgical treatment greatly diminish had that been the case. Most people live with a rotator cuff tear for years but with you being a pitcher and the fact that you have another injury, that's not really an option, is it?"

"No. I would like to see if I can keep playing baseball."

Dr. Lee said nothing but turned on the lights before directing us back to our seats. "Like I've mentioned Mr. Kim... There are no guarantees but it's worth a shot. And if all else fails, you can get surgery. That option is always there. Before I go over the specifics, do you have any questions for me?"

I cleared my throat before pulling my list out of my purse. I looked at him as I read the first question. "Are there any contraindications to this treatment?"

"This treatment is very safe, though like with any others, it comes with risks. I've reviewed your chart," he said, directing his gaze at Joon, "and there is nothing there that will raise red flags. There are only certain instances where a person would be told that he cannot get it, such as having a bleeding disorder, septic arthritis, cellulitis or if you had been taking blood thinning medications. Seeing that you were in perfect health before this injury, you would be the perfect candidate."

Joon looked at my list as I was wrapping my head around the information. "What kind of side effects could happen?"

As the doctor went into the details I tried to focus but all this stuff I can ask Joon about later, since medical terms go over my head. Instead I paid attention to Joon and his reactions instead. I watched as his expression stayed focused and resolute. I know that expression. He's already made his mind up, of this I'm pretty certain.

After Joon had gone over everything on the list, he turned to me and asked if there was anything else I wanted to ask. I shook my head no in response.

Dr. Lee handed Joon a sheet of paper. "I've taken the initiative and printed out some FAQs for you. What to wear whenever you go, what you're allowed to do and what you're not allowed to do, food to help with the therapy, things like that. All that information is on this. Whenever you make up your mind, please call me. I'm going to a medical conference this week but I should be back before the weekend and we can start next week if you so choose. If you have any more questions, please don't hesitate to call and ask." He stood up from his chair and walked towards the door. Joon took my hand and we followed him out. "It was a pleasure to meet you both," he said graciously.

"Thank you for taking this time to meet with us," Joon said, as he let go of my hand to shake Dr. Lee's hand. "We'll discuss it and I will let you know either way."

Dr. Lee nodded and gave me another smile before he closed the door. We walked wordlessly to the elevator and I got the feeling we were both still digesting all the information we'd just received. I squeezed his hand reassuringly and he turned to give me a small smile.

"Joon-ah... Do you want to talk about it yet?" I asked as we walked out to the car.

"Jagiya, not yet," he said. "But I will. Soon as I'm ready I'll let you know."

I believed him. There is no doubt in my mind that when he feels like he can talk about it, that he would. And that I would be the first person he would speak to.

"I love you," I said as I got into the car.

"I love you too," he replied back before putting a kiss on my forehead then getting into the driver's seat. We drove back to the apartment in silence, but it was not uncomfortable. We don't have to talk about it now... As long as I know we will. Joon will decide what he thinks is best, but I am safe in the knowledge that whatever it is, he will discuss it with me first. After all his future is my future, just like mine is his. We finally understand this now and I'm glad we figured it out just in time.

## August 30, 2001

## 10:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

I was lying on Na Jeong's lap as we watched television. She was alternately feeding me and herself some oranges as we watched a drama on SBS. I don't know why she likes these really dramatic shows... I would have preferred a comedy, myself, but she wanted to watch Kim Min Jong.

"Jagiya, do you think I'm prettier than Song Hye Gyo?" She asked, looking at the screen closely.

"Ahh..." I said, not really knowing how to answer. Well, I know how to answer... I know what will happen no matter what answer I give. If I say yes, she'll accuse me of being biased, probably fish for more compliments. I'll end up kissing her to convince her that I'm being truthful and then things will get too heated up. If I say no, she'll get angry that I don't think she's prettier. Then I'll end up kissing her to convince her that I do think she's beautiful, and then things will get too heated up. This is a quandary. Her knees are almost healed up, but she has shown no signs of wanting to engage in those activities yet and with what happened the last time we were in bed, I was all too happy to wait.

"She has great skin," Na Jeong continued. "I really liked her in Autumn in My Heart. But I think she had better chemistry with Won Bin Oppa than Song Seung Hoon Oppa... Don't you think?" She asked. I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized she didn't necessarily want an answer from me, just that she wanted to do a commentary of sorts.

"Na Jeong-ah... How come it's so easy for you to call everyone Oppa except for me?" I pouted. I looked up at her face and she just blinked at me in response. She stuffed an orange wedge in my mouth and I almost choked on it trying not to laugh.

"Joon-ah... Why do you think the nice guy never gets the girl in dramas? I mean... Do you remember Lee Jung Jae Oppa in Sandglass? That broke my heart. It's always the not so good guys. I don't understand..." She smiled at me then. "It's a good thing that's not what happens in real life, right?"

She was so serious about this topic and so earnest that I couldn't help but chuckle. Seeing her frown at me, I put on a serious expression and looked at her. "Yeah, Jagiya, it's a very good thing that's not what happens in real life. They would have written me off then given me a last minute loveline. And I would have loved you from afar forever."

"Yeah... That's stupid." She bent down to kiss me and I met her lips surely. She tasted like oranges and strawberries, and her hair smelled of jasmine. I was about to pull her down to lay with me when she said, "But Joon-ah, you COULD be in a drama... Your actions are very dramatic."

"Yah... I thought women liked grand gestures?" I asked.

"I just like your kisses... Wherever I can get them. In the rain, snow, sun... Whatever. I'm not picky," she answered. "But Joon-ah, not everything has to be done ceremoniously," she paused for a few minutes, waited for the CF's to start, and said, "Like your non-proposal proposal. That was really dramatic."

"I wasn't proposing... How many times do I have to say that I wasn't?"

"Fine, fine... I would have..."

"I don't want to know your answer!" Well, I do, but I don't... I have to get some things together first before asking her. Like getting a job. Or going back to school.

"Jeez, so touchy," she said, leaning over me to put her plate down on the coffee table, putting her chest in direct line with my face. She leaned back far too soon and then said, "I was saying that if I were you, I would have said that first. Like a disclaimer... Na Jeong-ah, this is not a proposal, but..."

Her voice trailed off and I realized that the program had started again. I had planned to prepare a nice dinner before this weekend to tell her about the decision I've made about the treatment, but since she said that not everything has to be done in ceremony, I decide to just blurt it out. Why not? Now's as good a time as any.

"Jagiya..." I started.

"Hmm?" She asked absently, her gaze fixed on the television.

"I've decided to go ahead with the treatment."

"Okay," she said. That was easy, I thought, too easy. I counted to three in my head and I had only just gotten to one when she looked at me intently, turned the TV off, and then looked at me again. "You did?" She narrowed her eyes at me then. "Why did you tell me in the middle of a drama? I would hit you if you weren't already injured."

"Didn't you just say to not make a big deal of everything? I was going to tell you over a nice dinner, maybe some candles, but you said that it's okay, so I just said it. Did I do wrong?" I asked.

"No... It's fine," she said as she watched me sit myself up. I bit my lip in pain but faced her while we talked. "Are... Are you sure it's what you want to do?"

"Jagiya," I said, taking her hands in mine. "I've spent nothing but the last two days reading up all the material that Dr. Lee has given me, as well as what Jung Gook Hyung provided for us. I've looked it up online and studied until my eyes crossed. But the fact is this... I don't want surgery... I have a bad feeling about it. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. And while I don't particularly like the idea of having to be stuck with a needle every week for a few weeks, at least I'll be awake and conscious the whole time. Na Jeong-ah... I needed to make a decision. I'm tired of waiting for God knows what and tired of being afraid of the unknown. If this doesn't work, then maybe it's time for me to give up baseball and figure something else out. But if it works, maybe I can see how far I can go as someone who was promising, who was injured, who is now back. I may never be as good as I was, but I want to take the chance to see." I looked into her eyes then and saw nothing but understanding and love. She nodded at me. "You're not mad that I made the decision without you, right?"

"Joon-ah... Why would I get mad about that? You know yourself. I trust your judgment. That's never been the issue. I just wanted to make sure that you're going into this fully cognizant that it might not fix everything. I don't want you to be disappointed. I am very very proud of you," she said, giving my lips a tender kiss. "What made you decide to finally go for it?"

"I realized that I owed it to myself and to you, to man up and do something. Everything I have ever done up till now has been based on fears. I played baseball because I was afraid of being a nobody... I liked winning because I was afraid of failing. I have nightmares about losing you because that's the thing that scares me most. I've become someone who's running on fear. I don't like it." I took a deep breath and looked down at our hands, our fingers interlocked. "It has nothing to do with you, though. I love you for loving this side of me, too... But... I don't even like him. Jung Jin Hyung told me something a long time ago, when he first started working with me. He asked me the same question you did... He asked me who I was. When I couldn't answer, he said, 'We better find out then because people will only accept whatever they think they deserve.' I did get to know myself, but I knew myself as Chilbong, not Kim Jae Joon. In my head I thought Chilbong deserved everything, but not Kim Jae Joon. Kim Jae Joon only wanted one thing: Love. So why is it now that he has it, things still aren't perfect? It's because of me. I have to change. I'm ready to fix it. I think it's time."

"I agree," she said, "but give yourself time, okay? Don't be so hard on yourself if there are days when it doesn't feel good." She looked like she was thinking for a minute before she looked into my eyes. "Joon-ah, how are the nightmares now?"

"I still have them every night. They're not as bad when you're here though." But they still haven't slowed down.

"Do you... Do you want me to stay tonight?" She bit her lower lip while looking at me and I was tempted to say yes.

"No. Na Jeong-ah, we're not married yet. You can't stay here all the time, even if I wanted you to. People might look at us funny and I won't be responsible for my actions if neighbours start criticizing you. Plus, if I keep having you stay here, your parents may kill me. Besides, this is one of those things that I have to fight on my own, right? You're amazing but my demons aren't exactly afraid of you," I tried to say teasingly only to have her frown at me. I smoothed her brows with my finger and kissed the tip of her nose. "If it's really bad, I will call you. I promise."

Though she didn't look like she believed me, she allowed me to wrap my arms around her and she leaned back behind me as I rested my back on one arm of the couch. We stayed in silence for a few minutes watching the lights just outside the windows. "Jagiya, do you need me to call Dr. Lee? I can make the appointment for you..."

"I did it already, before you came home from work. I got this."

She nodded under my chin and allowed herself to relax against me. When I drove her home half an hour later, she stayed quiet, and I hoped that she was not overly worrying. Parking the car in front of the boarding house, I tried to ease her mind by attempting to look as relaxed as possible. I leaned down to kiss her and her hands automatically through my hair. I felt her tremble as my hand wrapped over her neck. We kissed gently and languidly, savouring each and every sensation. When at last we pulled away from each other, she looked at me with lips slightly bruised, more beautiful than anything else I have ever seen in my life.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I said. "I love you."

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi... I love you more." She gave me a lopsided smile before stepping out of the car. "Call me if you need me, okay?"

I had to stop myself from blurting out that I always need her, so I just nodded instead. As I drove back to the apartment, I remembered what John the doorman in San Francisco told me seemingly forever ago. The love of a woman is a gift, but the love of a good woman, is indeed priceless. And Na Jeong... Is the best woman of all. I am a lucky man.

## September 1, 2001

## 7:00 p.m.

## Na Jeong

When I arrived at Joon's apartment, it was empty. Wondering if he had gone for a walk, I felt relieved to have the place to myself. Perfect, I thought, as I pulled out the packages of votive candles from the bag. I ran the shower and stepped underneath it, trying not to get myself too excited about tonight. Joon thinks I am so pragmatic... But I can do romance too. I will seduce him tonight and we will have the most memorable night. It's time to erase all those bad memories and replace them with new ones. "I sincerely hope this man appreciates this", I mumbled to myself as I slathered lotion on before slipping into another delicious concoction I picked up at Agent Provocateur.

I was just spritzing perfume on when I saw the bedroom door open and in walked Joon, wearing jeans and a shirt. I started brushing my hair and tried to give him my best come hither smile, but he just stood there slack jawed. I was about to ask him what was going on when he put a finger to his mouth.

"What?" I asked, annoyed. I am standing here wearing a slip of a thing and he wants to whisper?

"Ahh..." He said hesitantly. "Jagiya, keep your voice down."

"What? Why do I have to keep my voice down?" I whispered furiously.

"Na Jeong-ah... I forgot to tell you," he said, not meeting my eyes.

"Forget to tell me what?" My eyes blazed with irritation. What exactly did he forget to tell me?

"Everyone is here," he answered, finally looking at me. "Bing and Jin Yi Noona, Haitai and Ae Jung, Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin and the baby. I invited them for dinner. And they're here. Right outside that door." I watched as his eyes took in the candles and the chilling champagne. His eyes darkened as he perused me up and down. "Jagiya... What are you wearing?"

## September 1, 2001

## 7:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

I was taking the groceries unsuccessfully out of the trunk when I heard voices behind me. I turned around to see the gang and their respective partners standing just outside the apartment building. Samcheonpo patted me on the back and Yoon Jin glared at him.

"Yeobo... He's injured! What are you thinking?" She asked, pushing the baby stroller towards him. Turning to me, she smiled. "Bong-ah, sorry about that... You know my husband."

"It's alright, Yoon Jin-ah... It's the other side," I explained. I glanced at the baby that was sleeping in the stroller. With dinner having been such notice, I knew that they weren't going to find a babysitter so quickly, so I okayed them bringing the baby. I mean, how much can a little baby do? I leaned in to look only to see a tiny face asleep.

I stood up and picked up a bag with my left arm and tried to heft the big bag of rice as well, only to drop it back unceremoniously on the ground. Haitai picked it up and Ae Jung greeted me with a shy smile. Binggrae and Jin Yi Noona said their hellos to everyone and we all walked into the building and piled onto the elevator.

Walking towards the apartment I hope that Na Jeong got the message I sent while I was at the checkout line at the store. She had told me yesterday that there was a chance she would have to go to work today and to not expect her until about 8 p.m. That gives me plenty of time to get dinner started.

We will have to eat in the living room. Our kitchen table only seats four and there are eight... Well eight and a half? A quarter? How do you count a baby? Whatever the answer is, there are too many of us to use the kitchen table. Thankful at least that I had the foresight to clean the apartment before going out to get the groceries, I opened the door to a dark apartment. Hmm... That's strange. I could have sworn that I left the lights turned on. Flipping all the lights on, I ushered our guests to the living room as I put the groceries away. Binggrae went straight to the fridge and grabbed a few beers and handed them out to the men. Lifting the juice from the bag, the cap fell off and spilled a bit of juice on me.

"Yoon Jin-ah, Ae Jung-ah, Noona, help yourselves to whatever we have in the fridge. There's wine, water and... Whatever's left of this juice," I said as I made my way to the bedroom to grab another shirt. I was still looking behind me to the living room when the sight in the bedroom surprised me. There were votive candles lit on every surface and right in the middle was Na Jeong standing up, brushing her hair.

She looked at me and gave me a smile, her eyes soft and lovely, and my heart started racing inside me. What's going on here? Could it be that... Nah... She wouldn't do that. Na Jeong looked like she was about to say something and knowing that everyone was outside I put a finger on my lips to keep her quiet.

"What?" Her voice was annoyed, furious. She's so sexy, I thought as I saw the irritation shooting out of her eyes.

"Ahh..." She's going to kill me. "Jagiya, keep your voice down."

"What? Why do I have to keep my voice down?"

"Na Jeong-ah... I forgot to tell you." I turned my eyes away, both for my safety and my sanity. I was afraid if I looked at her that she would throttle me or that I would throw the guests out and jump her.

"Forget to tell me what?" She asked, fully angry now.

"Everyone is here... Bing and Jin Yi Noona, Haitai and Ae Jung, Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin and the baby. I invited them for dinner. And they're here. Right outside that door." I looked at her then noticed the champagne chilling in a new ice bucket by the side of the bed. It's looking more and more that she had planned a special night for us... In the bedroom. Dammit. The last time she seduced me was my birthday and she wore a flimsy wisp of a thing then. I finally allow myself to look down to confirm. If she is wearing regular clothes, then maybe she just wanted some alone time. If she's wearing nothing else... Then I well and truly messed up. My eyes travelled over her and I swallowed. "Jagiya... What are you wearing?" A whole lot of nothing... From what it looks like.

Creamy skin alternated with fringing pieces of fabric over shoulders down to cups which barely covered her breasts, some kind of elastic gathering under the bust and emphasizing her tiny waist. The skirt was non-existent, made up only of short fringes not even skimming the top of her thighs. My mouth watered as soft skin peeked out from the fringes... She wasn't wearing any underwear. Blood rushed to my groin and I closed my eyes. I messed up, dammit. Is it rude to send people expecting to eat out the door before they eat? I seriously pondered this as I opened my eyes to see Na Jeong leaning down to blow out the candles, her back covered only by a single strap and her bottom covered by those same fringes.

"Na Jeong-ah... Hang on... Just hold that thought." She stood up and looked at me expectantly. I'm going to throw them out. Opening the door, I saw the men comfortably sitting at the kitchen table while the women were talking in the living room. Yoon Jin had a bottle to the baby. I can't throw them out. "Just give me a few minutes," I called out to them and they all nodded in acknowledgment. I looked back at Na Jeong who continued to stare at me with her mouth partially open. Yes I can throw them out. Base desires warred with common decency in my head and to keep myself from having to make a choice, I walked over to where Na Jeong stood and took her mouth in a hard kiss as my hand made contact with silky skin. "Later, jagiya. Later, hmm?" Her eyes drowsy with passion, she nodded. "I'll see you outside."

I made my way out of the bedroom before I changed my mind. I walked to the kitchen and tried to avoid the curious looks being sent my way. I wondered what Na Jeong was doing right now... Was she changing? Was she naked?

"Joon-ah," Jin Yi Noona said, her gaze fixed on my clothes. Can she tell I'm hard? I tried to put a hand over my groin self-consciously. This was a bad idea. She's going to call me out on it. Noona doesn't care. If anyone will call me out on it, it'll be her. "Joon-ah..." she repeated. Don't say it, I pleaded in my head. "I thought you were changing your shirt. Isn't that why you went to the bedroom? You were there for a long time."

"Maybe he was hiding a girl in there," Haitai joked and Ae Jung smacked his arm on her way to the fridge.

"Don't let Na Jeong hear you say that," she reprimanded. "She'll beat you."

"Don't let me hear what?" Na Jeong asked, walking out of the bedroom. Dressed casually in my jersey and jeans, she looked poised and in control. She had blown dried her hair, and it was now in a long braid over one shoulder.

"NOTHING! I didn't say anything!" Haitai said, cowering back in his seat as Na Jeong exchanged hugs with the women and coming to stand by me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and I allowed myself a sniff on her hair. She eyed the bags on the counter and smiled.

"I was afraid we would have to order out since we didn't have food. I'm glad to see you got that covered," she said then whispered, "too bad you didn't tell me."

"I know. I'm sorry," I said.

Pulling away from me, she opened the fridge and studied its contents. Turning to me she asked, "Japchae?" I nodded. "Joon-ah, you got samgyeopsal too. But we don't have a table grill," she commented, starting to pull the ingredients out.

"I got one of them, too," I said, looking at the box on the floor. I tried to pick it up with my right side and cringed when my shoulder resisted. Binggrae lifted it up without question and brought it to the living room. He had already opened it and was reading the instructions when I looked at him again.

"Yoon Jin-ah, is the baby awake?" Na Jeong asked, taking the cutting board and a knife out to start prepping the vegetables and put a big pot of water to boil.

"He was awake, but asleep now, after the milk," Yoon Jin responded, walking to hand Samcheonpo the baby to burp. I watched as he expertly put a cloth over one shoulder and balanced the baby on one arm as he patted the baby firmly on the back. I watched in concern... But ended up watching in admiration as he successfully got the baby to burp.

Wow, I thought, they're really parents. We've all really grown up.

Yoon Jin and Ae Jung have now pushed me out of the way to stand by Na Jeong while she sliced the ingredients. Yoon Jin had a colander out and was washing the lettuce leaves and Ae Jung was mixing some type of sauce in a little bowl. The kitchen overrun with women, I sat down at the kitchen table with Haitai and Samcheonpo, and listened while they shot the breeze about their work. Samcheonpo automatically started rolling the stroller forwards and backwards in an effort to put the baby to sleep.

When Na Jeong took a wok out from the cabinet, I stood up to help, to the amazement of the boys. "Jagiya, let me do that," I offered. Na Jeong shook her head at me, then took the pork belly out of the fridge, along with the tray of sliced vegetables. When I took the pork with my left hand she glared at Haitai.

"Yah... Are you not going to help?" She demanded. Haitai got up quickly and took it before she could say more. Samcheonpo rolled the stroller to the living room, where Binggrae and Noona were already sitting watching television and sat down. Haitai and I followed close behind.

Within a few minutes Na Jeong yelled out for the grill to be turned on as Ae Jung brought bottles of soju and makgulli to the table. Yoon Jin came with plates and chopsticks, as well as the kimchi that was in the fridge. Na Jeong walked into the living room balancing a plate holding a mountain of japchae in her arms. How many people are we feeding? I thought. She really is Omma's daughter.

While everyone helped themselves to the food and Binggrae started putting the pork on the grill, Na Jeong sat on my lap and ran her fingers through my hair.

"Thanks for cooking... You didn't have to do that. You worked all day and I was going to cook," I whispered.

"You're welcome... I like cooking so it's no big deal," she responded, a pleased smile on her face.

"Just as long as you know it's not expected of you and it is always appreciated," I said, dropping a kiss on one shoulder.

"As if I could ever be obligated to do anything," she teased. "I only do what I want to do."

Jin Yi Noona handed her a plate and she got up from my lap and sat on the floor next to me. Binggrae handed me one too and I said my thanks.

As I ate, I looked around me at the people I spent so much time with in university and was hit by a feeling of deep appreciation and gratitude. These are the people who have been by my side through my successes and who are by my side still. They all kept in touch even when I was away, even when I didn't have Na Jeong by my side. I listened to their voices and remembered every conversation we have ever shared, over at the boarding house, over the phone, over the miles and over the years. As Haitai started pouring out shots, he handed me one with a smile, just like he has done so many times. No one asked about my shoulder and I knew why. It wasn't because they didn't care, but because the shoulder was of no consequence to their relationship with me. I was never just the baseball player to them... I was a friend. I forget so often... Too often really, how blessed I am. A small smile graced my lips and as if she knew what I was thinking, Na Jeong nudged me on my side.

"You okay?" She asked and everyone stopped and listened for my response.

"Yeah I'm good," I said. "Please everyone keep eating... I just need to take it easy with the soju tonight." I eyed the drink suspiciously, remembering the last time I drank.

"Aigoo," Na Jeong complained. "You and Oppa are not allowed to drink together anymore. You guys should have seen it... Oppa against the wall looking like he was going to kiss it and Joon at the table passed out." She shook her head and everyone laughed.

"Joon-ah... You got Jung Gook Hyung's text?" Binggrae asked, giving a pork belly wrapped lettuce roll to Noona.

"Yeah I got it," I answered.

"You and Oppa text now?" Na Jeong asked. I nodded. "About the appointment?"

"Not just that," I said, putting my plate down and wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "I invited him to dinner tonight, too. He said he had to work so he'll take a rain check... and he'll bring Yoo Mi-ssi when he comes."

She gave me an appreciative smile and my heart melted. From this day forward that will be my goal. To keep a smile on her face. She had just taken my hand in hers when the baby started crying.

Seeing that everyone was still eating but me, I stood up and tried to replicate what I saw Samcheonpo was doing with the stroller. The baby however was not cooperating. His wails got louder and my hands started to sweat. How can a little person make so much noise?

"Joon-ah," Yoon Jin said helpfully. "Just pick him up and rock him in your arms. Just like how you did for Sook Sook."

"What? Omma always placed Sook Sook in my arms. I didn't pick him up before." I started panicking. "What if I drop him?"

"Chilbong... He's only 13 pounds," Samcheonpo said. Is he judging me?

Reluctantly I unwrapped the baby's blanket only just to have him grab a finger. Such small hands. He gurgled at me and I felt my heart drop to my knees. Carefully lifting him up from the stroller, I held him out in front of me and waited for someone... Anyone to tell me what to do next.

"Jagiya," Na Jeong said laughingly. "Why are you holding him like that? He's not contagious." She walked over to me and took the baby and I breathed a sigh of relief. Babies are scary. That little person looked at me like he knew me. It was disconcerting. I thought I was out in the clear when she motioned for me to sit back down. I did as she wanted and as soon as I was sitting down, gently placed the baby in my arms.

"Remember how you held Sook Sook? Just... Keep your arms in that position... Make sure you support his head," she said. Okay... I can do that. Just like how I held Sook Sook. The baby looked at me curiously and I wondered if he can tell what I'm thinking about. I swung my arm gently to rock him and was rewarded with a smile. "See? He likes you."

Na Jeong resumed eating and I continued to rock and study the baby as he continued to study me. He was like a miniature Yoon Jin. I wonder if our kids will look like Na Jeong, as my gaze strayed to her face. I hope so.

Slow down, Kim Jae Joon. Get a job first, then marriage. Then you can think about having babies. I think I might be turning into a woman. Isn't it supposed to be women who soften at the touch and smell of a baby? Why am I the one thinking about them suddenly? Hmm... I thought as I looked at the little person in my arms, you are performing some sort of magic on me. It's the only explanation. He gurgled at me happily one more time even as his eyes closed. I felt a sense of accomplishment at having successfully completed such a small task. Not unlike how I feel when I pitch a ball. Life is indeed surprising. I had just put him back down onto the stroller when I saw that everyone had cleared the table and it now only held the alcohol.

"Ah, I've missed this," Haitai said, taking a shot of soju. "All of us together again. When was the last time we were all together?"

"It's been a couple of years," Samcheonpo said. "Before Chilbong left for Japan. We were all supposed to come back for New Year's Eve but I don't think anyone remembered."

"Joon remembered," Binggrae interjected with a smile. "So did Na Jeong." He gave us a knowing smile and I could have sworn Na Jeong was going to throw her glass at him. "What? You didn't think we would figure out that's when everything changed between you two? We're smarter than we look... Well... Except for Samcheonpo who only realized after Chilbong left for America. We've talked about this and it was obvious, really. And when Yoon Jin wouldn't confirm or negate, both Haitai and I knew we hit the bulleye." He chuckled along with the rest of the gang. "Plus you were acting all crazy the next morning," he continued, looking at Na Jeong.

"I wasn't," she said.

"You were too," Haitai said. He blinked at her a few times. "And you haven't stopped since. Chilbong-ah... You're brave." I took Na Jeong's hand in mine before she could think about tossing anything at anyone.

"I think she's awesome," Ae Jung said, drinking some makgulli. Na Jeong smiled at her appreciatively.

"That makes two of us," I said before I cleared my throat. "You're all probably wondering why I called everyone here." They all turned around to look at me. "I know you've all heard about my shoulder and first, I wanted to apologize for ignoring all your phone calls. I was really messed up, for a while." No one spoke but they all continued listening. "I'm going to start treatment on Monday."

"I can take the day off," Samcheonpo said.

"So can I," Haitai added.

"Me too," Binggrae said.

"No... I don't need anyone there with me. I just wanted you guys to know that I may have to apologize again at some point. I hate feeling useless. You saw... How I can barely pick anything up with my right arm. The treatment might help, but I may have to stop playing baseball professionally."

"That's okay," Yoon Jin said reassuringly. "You can go back to school or model... You're pretty handsome and your body proportion is great."

"Yah..." Samcheonpo said. "What do you mean he's handsome?"

"He is," she responded matter of factly as all the women nodded in agreement and the men exchanged incredulous looks with one another.

Haitai turned to Ae Jung and asked, "More than me?" She smiled before nodding her head in response.

"I think so, too," Jin Yi Noona piped up.

"Yeobo..." Binggrae said uneasily. She shrugged her shoulders and I had to smile.

"Anyway... This is me apologizing in advance. And to thank all of you for being here, always." I looked down as Na Jeong squeezed my hand.

"Chilbong-ah," Haitai started, "that's what friends are for, right? You don't need to thank or apologize, not unless this whole time you didn't see us as friends."

"Yeah... Whatever you need, we're here," Samcheonpo said quietly.

Binggrae gave me a small grin and I released my breath. He cleared his throat before pouring out eight shots. "Shall we make a toast?" He asked. "To the success of Chilbong's treatment?"

"Nah," I responded, taking two shot glasses full of soju and handing one to Na Jeong. "Let's toast to friendship instead... That's something to celebrate." We all raised our glasses then took our drinks.

An hour later, Na Jeong and I sent everyone off in cabs and walked back up to the apartment together. When she went straight to the kitchen to wash the dishes, I gently guided her to the bedroom.

"I'll do this," I said. "You just relax. And... Put that thing back on that you were wearing earlier..."

She gave a husky chuckle before a frown formed on her forehead. "Joon-ah... You're not allowed to rip it."

"I promise I won't. I might slip it off with my mouth though."

"Fine... That's acceptable," she conceded before giving me a kiss, her mouth holding the promise of pleasure and I had to stop myself from taking her in the kitchen. After everything that's happened, I feel like it's going to be our first time again and I want to make it special.

I did however relish the feel of her body, flush against mine and the taste of her mouth. So delicious. I will never ever get tired of kissing her. When I finally pulled away, her hands were clutching at my shirt and her eyes were dazed.

"Joon-ah... Wash the dishes fast, okay?" She said before she walked to the bedroom. I set the dishes to soak and while I was waiting, took a quick shower. I finished the dishes after washing up and tried to formulate a seduction plan as I dried my hands. Wearing nothing but a towel wrapped around my hips, I entered the bedroom quietly and saw that the candle by the bed has been relit. Na Jeong lay on her side of the bed, not looking at me, the curve of her hip silhouetted by the... Thing she was wearing. I pressed a kiss on her neck only to realize that she was already asleep.

I could have continued and I'm sure she would have woken up but the memory of the last time I did that still leave a bitter taste in my mouth. The next time Na Jeong and I make love, I want it consciously, from both sides. That's not how you treat the person you love. Never again will I use her love for me against her. I made that promise and vow almost immediately after it happened. That lesson has been learned and I will never make that mistake again.

## September 2, 2001

## 6:00 p.m.

## Na Jeong

"How many times are you going to change your outfit?" Joon asked from the doorway. He looked me up and down. "You look beautiful already, like you always do."

"You're biased. And we're not just going anywhere... We're going to Omonim's." I held another dress up against me in front of the mirror and shook my head.

"Why does it matter?" He asked. "It's not as if you've never met her. You've been to her house once, went to her job twice and you text occasionally."

"Well, that's the thing..." I said, trying to be patient with him. Men don't understand. "The first time I met her, I told her I didn't need her kimchi. The second time I met her I yelled at her. And the third time... I threatened her." I stopped myself from cringing. "She probably thinks I'm unstable... You know... Mentally."

Joon started laughing. "She's not that bad. And she likes you."

"Did she say those words?" I asked insistently.

"Na Jeong-ah," he said, wrapping his arms from behind me. I closed my eyes and savoured the smell of Joon. How did I fall asleep last night? "She said, 'You got yourself quite a woman.' That is the highest compliment coming from Omma."

Settling on the blouse and the pants that I'm already wearing, I turned around and rested my head on his chest. "It doesn't still hurt you, right? Seeing Omonim?" I asked, worried that things may be changing too fast for him.

"No," he said. "I'm good. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It's just so much easier to be content with things happening the way they're supposed to."

I felt a flood of relief hearing that. Slowly Joon's coming back and growing up. I see the way his eyes take everything now, the way he watches and listens. The way he appreciates every moment. He's a lot kinder... Not just to me, but also to himself.

"Are we ready?" He asked and I nodded. He walked over to the closet and pulled out the bag of baby things he bought. "We can return these too. The store is right by Omma's house."

We made our way down to the car and drove the fifteen minute drive to his Omma's. I have to admit... I still get nervous thinking about his mother. I tried to tamp down on my nerves as he parked the car.

"Wait here," he said, looking over at me. "I'll go return these quickly and then we can go up." When he saw that I was about to protest he shook his head and gave me a serious look. "Na Jeong-ah, NO. You're not coming with me. People might get the wrong idea and I won't be having any of that. So just stay here. I'll be right back." Before I could say anything else he had already given me a quick peck and was out the car.

I stared ahead of me and tried to figure out if I needed to apologize to Joon's Omma for all our previous meetings. If Joon and I get married... Which we will... She'll be my mother-in-law and I can't have her using that against me... Like in those dramas. That's not fair! Maybe I should apologize. No, I told myself, I meant every word I've said. A woman is only as good as her word. I was still thinking about it when I heard a tap on my window and seeing that it was Joon, I unlocked the door. He opened it and waited for me to come out, blocking me from any oncoming traffic. Once safely out of the way, he locked the car and took my hand as we walked to Omonim.

Joon rang the bell and moments later, Omonim answered the door. I had to close my mouth seeing Omonim with her hair down. No matter how many times I see her, her beauty never ceases to amaze me. I looked at Joon's equally beautiful face and realized that good looking genes must run in this family. I've never seen Abonim or any pictures but I bet he's good looking as well. I was looking for the right greeting when she enfolded me in an embrace. Turning to Joon she hugged him as well and said, "I'm glad to see you looking better than the last time you were here. Thanks for bringing Na Jeong. Come in, you two." She ushered us both in and disappeared into the kitchen as we changed out of our shoes into slippers. I followed Joon as he went into the living room and sat down on the couch.

"Hang on," he told me. "I'm going to help Omma with the tea." He winked at me and I sat back and tried to relax. I noted with approval that the picture I had given her was now hanging up framed on the wall. By the time Joon and his Omma came back I was already looking at the scrapbook on the table, the one he mentioned to me. I watched as they sat down and his Omma handed me a cup before fixing Joon's.

"Na Jeong-ah, it's good to see you again," she said pleasantly.

I almost choked on my tea. Who is this woman? I noticed the way she kept her hands together and wondered if it was possible that she was nervous too. Instantly I softened. Of course she would be. She wouldn't want to jeopardize this newly mended relationship with Joon. He, on the other hand, was nonchalantly looking through a magazine. So rude. I took the magazine from him and darted my eyes to his mother when he frowned at me. I saw understanding dawn on his eyes and he smiled.

"Omma, how are you?" He asked. "Where's Ahjussi? I thought he'd be here on a Sunday."

As if relieved by the conversation, she responded. "I'm well. And he... Left for a business trip on Friday."

I felt Joon stiffen next to me. "Omma... Who goes on a business..." I nudged him before he could say something else. This newly confident version of Joon just blurts out everything on his mind. My Joon may be incredibly perceptive at times, but still such a man in his way of handling things. Surely he must realize that pointing something out to his mother is not the way to go about things.

"Omonim, I like this scrapbook," I said, quickly changing the topic. "You did a great job. I especially like the pictures of Joon when he was younger in the back."

"What pictures?" Joon asked. "There were no pictures in there. Just articles." Surprised I turned the scrapbook to the last section, where I saw pictures of Joon playing baseball as a kid and showed him.

"Your Appa sent them to me over the years," Omonim explained. "I found them while going through some things a few days ago. They weren't there yet the last time you were here." She stood up then and went to the kitchen. "Dinner will be ready in five minutes, so come to the table whenever you're ready."

I watched her retreating back before I turned back to Joon, his eyes disbelieving as he stared at the pictures in the book. "What's the matter?" I asked.

"I think Appa and I will have to talk. I don't understand how he had so many pictures of me playing baseball when he never attended a game."

"Things are not always as clear cut as they seem, huh? I'm sure there's an explanation," I folded the book closed and took his hands. "Which you won't find out until you speak to him. So for now, let's enjoy this meal with Omonim."

We stood up and walked to the table then sat down next to each other. As Omonim started serving up the food, I stood up and walked over to her.

"Omonim, please let me help you," I asked as she tried to take two big bowls to the table.

"Na Jeong-ah, here," she said, handing me one to take. "I made some of the radish kimchi, except this time I used ginger like you did. Joon said he prefers yours to mine."

"Omonim... I'm sure he only said that because he didn't realize." The last thing I would want is to offend Joon's mother by modifying a recipe she gave me.

She gave a chuckle before she responded. "Na Jeong-ah... I know my son. If he said it, he meant it. And I told you he'd know, didn't I? And I told you it would matter to him, right?"

I know what response she's trying to get from me. I suppose I owed her this. And for giving birth to Joon. Right. "Yes, Omonim. You were right."

"What was that, Na Jeong-ah? I didn't quite hear you."

"Omonim..."

"What are you two whispering about?" Joon asked from behind us. Omonim walked over to the table, which already had all the banchan and set the bowl down. She was sitting down by the time I came with the other bowl. I reclaimed my seat and waited for Omonim to start eating before I did. Joon was already digging into the food and I watched as he ate with gusto. Every day, his appetite seemed to be improving and I was relieved.

He'll need to stay strong for the treatment. Speaking of which, I wondered if he had let his mother know that he has made a decision.

"Omma, I like this kimchi," he said, mouth full. Omonim smiled at me before glaring at him.

"Jae Joon-ah... That's twice now. That you've preferred Na Jeong's kimchi recipe to mine. I will disown you next time."

"Omma... You did that once already," he responded. My mind raced for the appropriate thing to say, anticipating the tension. Just when I was about to talk about the weather, Omonim spoke.

"That's true, actually." She and Joon shared a chuckle and I almost passed out from relief. It's very strange but not unpleasant to be in the company of Joon with his mother. They have a dynamic that's so so different from the one I have with my parents. Or is it that different, really? I wondered as I thought about all the times Appa would criticize me. Everyone shows love differently. And everyone perceives love differently too. I have to keep reminding myself of this as I spooned some rice in my mouth

"Na Jeong-ah, when are you two getting married? I want grandchildren right away," Omonim said, her face straight while taking some banchan and I started choking. Joon patted my back as I coughed and sputtered then handed me a glass of water.

"Joon has to ask me first," I responded. I should have expected this, really. Omonim is a straight shooter. She never minced her words with me before, and part of me felt relieved that the woman I had met a couple of times before finally made her appearance. "He kind of proposed before."

"And what happened?" She asked me conspiratorially.

"He denied that he was proposing. He had this long speech and it was really touching. All he needed was to drop down on one..."

"Yah... I'm right here! And I did not propose. If I did, you would know it!" Joon interrupted. Omonim and I just gave him an irritated glance before we resumed talking.

"Yeah... So all he had to do was drop down on one knee and ask that one question," I continued as I ate. "But then he recanted."

"I wouldn't dawdle, Joon-ah," Omonim commented. "Take life by the horns."

"Omma... I'm going to decide when I ask," he responded.

"Fine... Fine. I was just saying," his mother replied. Looking like she hasn't let the matter rest, I anticipated her to say something else when Joon spoke again.

"Omma... I start treatment tomorrow." Omonim's surprised eyes lifted to look at Joon's face and I stayed quiet.

"I can take the day off," she offered and I had to suppress a smile.

"It's okay, Omma. It's not surgery..." He said.

"You don't get to throw a fit about this later," she warned him. "You can't get mad and say that I didn't offer." She was so succinct that I smiled.

"Omma... When would I do that? That's not even like me," he huffed quietly.

"You may look like me but your dramatic outbursts are very much like your father's," she said. Turning to me she whispered, "He really is emotional isn't he?" I nodded in response while Joon bristled next to me.

"It's okay," I said back. "I can handle it."

"I knew you would, Na Jeong-ah. I never worried about that."

From the corner of my eye I saw Joon watching me and his mother with a smile on his face. We finished the meal fairly quickly and Joon stopped in the restroom before we were on we our way. Standing by the doorway and changing my shoes, Omonim handed me a basket filled with fruits and a bag.

"Omonim you didn't have to..." I said when she shook her head sharply at me.

"The fruit is not for you but your parents. There's some health drinks in that bag that I picked up for Joon too when I went to the herbalist shop. Please make sure he drinks it once a day." I smiled as I took the package from he then felt uneasy when I realized that I didn't bring anything for her when we came.

"Omonim... I forgot my manners. I'm sorry I didn't bring you anything. I'll make it..."

"Na Jeong-ah, you've already given me the best gift. I don't need trivial things that I won't use or would just stay unopened in the house. And the stuff I do want, I can get myself. But you brought me back my son. Surely that counts more than any other thing?"

Joon came out of the bathroom and looked at the stuff I'm holding questioningly. I shrugged my shoulders as he changed back into his shoes.

"Omma, I'll text you later and let you know how the treatment went," he said, taking the basket from me with his left arm. She nodded at him then blushed as he leaned down to give her a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks for dinner."

Wondering whether I should shake her hand, I stood there thinking about it for one minute before I felt her arms wrap around me in an affectionate hug. "You weren't really going to break up with him, were you?" She whispered. I shook my head no. "I'm glad." She pulled away and I could only smile at her. She walked us to the door and waved as we made our way to the elevator.

"Jagiya, what's with the fruit basket?" Joon asked.

"Omonim wants Omma and Appa to have it," I answered.

We got in the car and drove home. Traffic was light and by the time I realized that tonight still will not be the night, Joon was already parked in front of the boarding house. I typically spend Sunday nights at home, since I usually walk Sook Sook to school on Mondays. It's kind of become our thing. Speaking of which... "Joon-ah, Sook Sook wants to see you and I kind of promised him that as soon as you felt more like yourself you would."

"I know," he said with a sombre expression on his face.

"Do you want to come in and see if he's still up?" I asked.

"Tomorrow... I'll come tomorrow, after the treatment." His eyes looked distracted, but I wasn't going to push. He needs all the rest he can get tonight. I leaned over and gave him a kiss before stepping out of the car.

"The plastic bag is for you. Omonim picked you up some health tonics." He nodded at me. "I love you. Text when you get home."

"I got it," he responded and I closed the door. I watched as he pulled off before walking into the house.

"Na Jeong-ah, how did it go?" Omma asked before her eyes widened at the sight of the basket I was carrying.

"It was good. Omonim sent this over for you guys," I said, putting the basket on the table. Omma sat down and looked at it and even Appa did as well. "Joon said he'll come tomorrow after the treatment."

Omma clapped her hands and started making a list of what to cook tomorrow, but no reaction from Appa. Weird, I thought. Before I could ask him what the matter was, Omma had called me into the kitchen to help put the fruit away. I'll ask Appa tomorrow, I thought, because I could have sworn a frown came on his face when I mentioned Joon's name.

## September 3, 2001

## 3:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

I sat on an examination table with my shirt off waiting for Dr. Lee to come back and begin the procedure when the door opened suddenly and I was met with furious green eyes. Uh-oh. I am in trouble.

Minutes before, Dr. Lee took a full history and did a physical examination, reviewing the films one more time. He explained the risks and benefits from the procedure and had me sign a consent form. I did all of it mechanically. My decision was made and now it was time to follow through. I turned my phone off... I was already nervous as I was. The last thing I needed was that thing going off as he put a needle into me. I had texted Na Jeong when I left the house, but I knew she wouldn't respond right away. It's the middle of a workday and a Monday at that. I knew she must be swamped with work on Mondays. She mentioned that to me many times before. Of course I wanted her here but I couldn't expect her to drop everything because I couldn't do it alone. I love that Na Jeong loves her job.

When I met her eyes again, she put her purse down on the chair and glared at me.

"Why didn't you tell me what time this appointment was?" She asked, hands on her hips. "Why do you think it's okay to just send a text saying 'I'm leaving the house now. I'll call you later'?"

"That's not all I wrote," I mumbled.

"Yeah... You wrote," she started, digging her phone out and scrolling through her messages, "Jagiya, I'm leaving the house now. I'll call you later. I love you'... How is that any better?"

"I put 'I love you'. You didn't mention that the first time, " I said defensively.

She blinked at me. "Adding 'I love you' is not your get out of jail free card. Kim Jae Joon... Do you want to die?"

"It's a Monday. Didn't you always say that Mondays are especially busy? Na Jeong-ah... It's not as if this is a one shot deal. There will be other times too."

"And that is why I told work I will need to take Mondays as half days for the next few weeks," she said.

"I can't ask you to change your schedule. Your job is important. You've worked too hard to sacrifice that."

"You're important too," she said. "And being here for you is no sacrifice. I want to be here. You don't even know how it's going to go. What if you're in too much pain after to drive? What if you had a bad reaction?"

"Na Jeong-ah, I would have figured it out then."

"Yah... You're lucky you're injured already. Or I would have beaten you up."

I grinned at her then and she sat down. "I love you, Na Jeong-ah."

"I'm still mad."

"And yet you're still here," I teased. "Which tells me you must love me too."

Whatever she was about to say was cut off when the door opened and Dr. Lee entered the room carrying a tray. He looked at Na Jeong and smiled. "Glad to see you made it, Sung Na Jeong-ssi."

"I did. Thanks for waiting until I got here, Dr. Lee." Waiting? Here I thought he was taking his own sweet time. Did Na Jeong call and ask him to delay?

"Before we begin I wanted to make sure you both read the information I gave you?" He asked and we both nodded. "Kim Jae Joon-ssi... I am applying a tennant biomodulator on you to distract your nerve endings, to help with the pain. I'm not going to lie. It's going to hurt. Do you need anything for anxiety?" I shook my head in response. "I will have to do a few injections today, to cover both your injuries. I will go over with both of you again what you can and cannot do after the procedure. In the meantime do you have any questions?"

"No, I'm okay." He nodded once and went to the sink to wash his hands.

I saw Na Jeong pale when she saw the size of the syringes and needles, but she went in front of me anyway and took my hands in hers.

"Okay," Dr. Lee said, donning sterile gloves and I felt something cool rubbed on my right scapula. I took a few deep breaths to try to control my anxiety but it wasn't working. So much rests on this. Too much. "Big stick in 1, 2, 3..." I felt the stab of the needle and closed my eyes. The pain was intense, and I almost wish I took the doctor up on his offer to give me pain medication before the procedure even began.

I felt Na Jeong's hand lift my chin up. "Jagiya... Open your eyes," I heard her voice coaxing me and though my eyes blurred with the pain, I looked into hers. Clear calm green eyes flecked with gold stared back at me, shining with love and pride. I felt the strength of her hands as she held mine and tried to draw from her the courage that I didn't have at this moment in time. She gave me a little smile before she began to speak.

"Do you know why I love you?" She whispered, her eyes still fixed on my face. I managed to shake my head no. And I meant it. Some days I wasn't quite sure. "It's because you're funny and dorky... But other than me, no one else knows that. To everyone you're cool and calm, but with me you're so soft. Uri Jae Joon is strong and steady too. You're my rock... But I forget sometimes that even rocks are made of teeny tiny particles and you can still break. Is it bad that I feel better knowing that you're not always completely in control? Nope. It makes you real and it makes you better." She leaned in to my ear. "And it also helps that you're a really really good kisser." When she pulled back she brushed a hand over my cheek and I gave her a smile.

"There's my Joon," she said fondly. I felt a second stick and kept my eyes focused on hers. "There's the smile that I love. Do you know that to this day I still can't quite pinpoint the exact moment I fell in love with you? I like it that way though. It happened so gradually, just like growing up... Until one day I just realized that I can never be without you. You've become essential to my life. Like the air that I breathe. Or the food that I eat. You've become part of what sustains me."

I kept my focus on her voice and let it guide me through the pain. Soft and gentle, her words eased my nerves and warmed my heart. She kept on talking about different things, trying to keep my mind distracted. I'm so glad that she's here. The pain wasn't so bad now but she still kept speaking. Her eyes stayed on mine through the whole procedure, throughout what felt like a million pricks.

When Dr. Lee moved in front of me, she adjusted her position to behind me but kept a hand on my left shoulder. Her lips a breath away by my ears she started describing what she had for lunch and I almost started laughing. I can always count on uri Na Jeong-ie to talk about food. The woman knows what she likes. Before long the treatment was done and Dr. Lee was unhooking me from the contraption I was connected to and was back at the sink washing his hands again.

"Your first treatment is done. You might feel sore for the next three days, that's normal. This process will only work with inflammation and healing, so do not use ice." He walked towards us with a list of instructions. "This is what we recommend for all patients receiving this therapy. Motion, exercise, analgesics and treatment. Keep moving as it increases the circulation to the treated area. You can exercise but if you're going to lift weights, cut the weight in half and increase the repetition instead. I will prescribe some pain medications for you to pick up from the pharmacy but if you want to use milder ones, stay away from non-steroidal anti-inflammatory medications. They will negate the treatment you just received. Lastly, you will come back next week at this time and for the next five weeks. We'll make the appointment the same time every week, as you requested, Sung Na Jeong-ssi."

"Dr. Lee, thank you," I said as Na Jeong slipped my shirt over my head. Once properly dressed I shook his hand.

"Did you have that list for me, doctor?" She asked Dr. Lee. "The recommended food list? I need a few copies... My Omma would like a copy and so would his Omma."

"Yes, Ms. Sung. I'll have it ready in a few minutes," he responded then turned to me. "You're very fortunate, Kim Jae Joon-ssi, to have all these women catering to you."

"I know," I answered easily. Never let it be said that I don't know how lucky I am. He left the room and Na Jeong walked back to the chair and picked up her purse. "Jagiya... I'm sorry for not giving you advance notice. And thank you, for being here."

"Now, was that so hard?" She teased. I stood up from the examination table and took her hand. Dr. Lee was already at the doorway when we walked out and he handed her some papers.

"Thank you," she said as she smiled at him. "We'll see you next week."

## Sincheon Boarding House

## September 3, 2001

## 5:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

Na Jeong and I walked into the boarding house together and as soon as I entered, Sook Sook saw me and ran to me.

"Joon Hyung!" He said, wrapping short arms around one leg. I just remembered that I left his jersey at the apartment. Damn. "I'm so happy to see you!"

"Sook Sook-ah... Look how much you've grown. You're going to be as tall as your Noona soon," I commented as I bent down and ruffled his hair. He puffed out his chest adorably and I felt a smile come over my face.

"Joon Hyung, Noona said you didn't feel good," he said, brows frowning in displeasure. "Do you have a booboo?"

"Yeah, I do," I answered, then pointed to my right shoulder. "It's right here."

"Really?" He asked then leaned towards me. "I know just what to do to make it feel better. Do you know what it is?" I shook my head no. Before I could ask what it was, he had already put his arms around my neck in a hug, then placed a soft kiss on my shoulder. "Noona and Omma do this when I have a boo boo. Doesn't it help?"

Looking into his eyes, so full of innocence, I felt a lump form in my throat. "Yes, it helps. I feel 100 times better already," I didn't say anything else for fear that my emotions would get the better of me. I straightened myself up as he moved on to tell Na Jeong about his day in school. Omma walked into the living room from the kitchen and walked towards me when she saw me.

"Joon-ah, you're here! When Na Jeong told us you were coming, I made sure to get the ingredients for seollongtang. You like it, right?" She asked as she put her arms around me. I nodded and smiled at her.

"Omma, here," Na Jeong said from the couch, where she was sitting with Sook Sook, handing Omma a sheet of paper. "That's the list the doctor gave us. It's foods recommended to help in conjunction with the therapy."

"Joon-ah, sit, sit," she said and I complied. "Appa is not home yet but he should be getting home from work soon."

Though I loved seeing Na Jeong's parents equally, I have been a little apprehensive about seeing her Appa again. I've avoided coming here since I returned from San Francisco because I knew he would be disappointed. Disappointed in my injury. Disappointed in me. Baseball was what always seemed to tie us together. With his profession and mine in the same field, it seemed only natural that we felt an affinity towards one another... But now... With my future in baseball so uncertain, will he still view me in the same light? Would he still entrust me with Na Jeong? I honestly don't know the answers to those questions and it's making me uneasy. I kept a distracted eye on the television as Omma and Na Jeong spoke. Sook Sook sat by the coffee table doing his homework.

"Omma, did Sook Sook eat already?" Na Jeong asked Omma as she looked over her brother's shoulder at what he was drawing. "What are you doing?" She asked him.

"Noona, my teacher said to draw a picture of my family," he answered, brows furrowed in concentration. I noticed a few stick figures on the paper, but having no artistic ability myself, I just stayed sitting back.

To be honest I'm a bit nervous about being here when Na Jeong's Appa came home. I wouldn't know what to say and where to begin. I had hoped that by the time he arrived home I will already be gone. As usual, though, time is not on my side when I heard a booming voice from the entrance, accompanied by the door being shut.

"Aigoo, the traffic is horrible," he said from the door as he changed his shoes. Wiping the sweat off my hands on my pants, I stood up to greet him even as Na Jeong sent me a puzzled glance. "Kim Jae Joon-ssi," he said, nodding at me and disappearing into his bedroom.

As I suspected, he was disappointed. Coach has never used my full name when speaking to me before. And certainly not in that tone either. I swallowed another lump of nervousness.

I saw Coach come out of their bedroom and watched as he sat himself on the couch without looking at me. Na Jeong and Omma has since moved to the kitchen to prepare dinner or so I assumed. Coach and I sat in silence while Sook Sook didn't seem to notice as he alternated between drawing and sharing random facts about his various classmates. Through all of it Coach watched television and chuckled at something Sook Sook said, but still didn't direct any of his responses towards me. Feeling uncomfortable, I realized that this situation was worse than I thought. I debated staying here, having been one to always leave a tense situation, but I plan on being with Na Jeong, and I'm done running away. I'm going to have to rectify this. Tonight. Now.

When Omma came back to the living room and took Sook Sook's hand to get him ready for bed, I looked at Na Jeong.

"Na Jeong-ah, can you get Sook Sook ready for bed?" I asked and she and Omma looked at me questioningly. "I need to speak to Omma and Appa alone. Just a for a few minutes," I explained and though she still looked confused, she nodded and tried to pry Sook Sook's hand loose from her mother's.

"Joon Hyung, Omma always gets me ready," he protested. "And I want to see you some more."

"Sook Sook-ah, your Noona will get you ready and I'll come in to read you a story later, ok?"

"You promise?" He asked suspiciously. "You left the last time and you didn't come back here as soon as you came home." My heart sank as his lips trembled and all at once I felt ashamed for having broken the trust of this child.

"I promise. I will definitely go to your room later, okay?" He nodded at me and took Na Jeong's hand as they walked towards his room.

Omma and Coach sat next to each other on the couch without asking me any questions and even as I searched my mind for what to say, I was already dropping down on my knees onto the floor in apology and contrition. I bowed my head down and waited for either one to speak before I would allow myself to even look at them.

"Joon-ah," Omma said, confused. "Why are you on the floor? What happened?"

"Omma, Appa... I'm sorry," I started, my voice hoarse. "I know I've disappointed you. I know that. Please forgive me. Coach-nim always told me not to ignore any pain from my shoulder and I didn't pay any attention."

"Joon-ah... You couldn't help that," Omma said gently. "Things like this happen. You're a baseball player."

"Aigoo, this punk," Appa said, his voice rising. "You think that's why I'm disappointed? I don't know if I should hit you."

"Yeobo," Omma said to him, nudging his side. Appa took a deep breath before addressing me again. I kept my head down as I waited for him speak.

"Joon-ah... I'm insulted that you would even think that that's why we would be disappointed," he paused. "When Na Jeong told us you were injured and were coming home, do you know that I even learned to get on the Internet just so Omma and I can read up on what happened? We knew it wasn't going to be good and that you would be in bad shape but we didn't think you were going to shut us out, too." Not knowing what to say, I stayed silent, trying to understand what he was saying.

"We thought you would come back here, so we can at least tell you that everything was going to be fine. I even tried to see you a few times but you never answered the door. You hurt Omma and my feelings." He said with a softer but hurt tone. "And I haven't even started on how it felt seeing Na Jeong struggle on her own. You two are supposed to be a team but you let her cry alone."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, feeling the weight of their disappointment and struggling to get the words out. "I wasn't thinking. It will never happen again." And it won't. I will make sure of that. "I was afraid you were going to be disappointed that I might not be a baseball player anymore... I didn't know whether you were going to approve of me being with Na Jeong."

"Damn right you weren't thinking. All these years, we've always supported you and the decisions you've made. Have we ever just treated you like a baseball player?" I shook my head no. "Omma and I, we..." He cleared his throat before continuing. "We always saw you as another son. Even before you were with Na Jeong, so why would that change? Because you're no longer a Major League Baseball Player? When we met you, you were just Chilbong. When we look at you, that's still who we see. Nothing will ever change that. As for Na Jeong... Your profession has nothing to do with why we approve of the two of you together."

I lifted my head in surprise and looked at them both. "We entrusted you with her because we saw how you loved her, even all those years ago. To see her so happy with you is every parent's dream come true. To see her grow into the person she was always meant to be, that's something every parent asks for. Things like this will happen, but you cannot fall apart. Even if you did, you cannot block the people who love you away. Life is too long and hard to walk alone... And you don't have to do it. You always have a choice. That's never a bad thing. It only gets scary when you don't get to have one." I felt the emotions overwhelm me and dropped my head down to prevent them from seeing my tears. Omma stood up and I felt her next to me even as she wrapped one arm around me. "Binggrae mentioned to us about your family and how hard it was for you growing up... You'll have to find a way to reconcile that, but aren't we your family too? No matter what happens... Family. Must. Always. Stay. Together."

I felt the tears fall onto my cheeks as I tried to brush them off with the backs of my hands. Omma started rubbing my back in soft and gentle strokes. My breath tightened and I felt some greater emotion than relief take over. My gratitude and their love made me feel vulnerable, and I acknowledged that while I was falling in love with Na Jeong, I was loving her family too. Piece by piece my wall was crumbling, as every happy memory I had in this house came back full force, as well as the lonely nights alone in San Francisco, even before I knew that Na Jeong loved me back, relieved only by my weekly conversations with them.

"Don't ever drop your head down with anyone, even us. I will only allow it this time... But you have a lot to be proud of, and we are always proud of you. Don't worry so much about what you'll do beyond baseball... You and Na Jeong will figure it out. Look at me and Omma... We don't have a lot of money and we're not rich, but we're happy. That's the most important thing." Appa stressed it out to me as I stopped tearing.

"Uri Na Jeong-ie... My daughter... She eats a lot and she's a little hot tempered. She's mouthy and she has a bad attitude sometimes..." I was about to speak up on her behalf and point out her good points when he kept talking. "... But she's strong. And she's smart. She's got a good head on her shoulders and her heart is always in the right place. She'll hold you down, just like you will always lift her up. That is what's important as you both walk through your lives together." He stood up then and put a hand on my head for a few beats before he lent me a hand to stand up.

I looked at the arm outstretched towards me and like a lifeline I took it. I opened my eyes and met his, humbled by the kindness and understanding reflected in a single look. Omma smiled at both of us as Appa walked off sniffling. I was going to follow him to the kitchen when Omma pushed me towards Sook Sook's room.

"He'll be okay. Just give us a few minutes. He tried not to show it but all this has been very difficult for him too. He alternated between cursing you and worrying about you. You should know that... Appa and I care about you very much."

I watched as she walked towards the kitchen, no doubt to comfort her husband, which is what Na Jeong would have done for me had it been the other way around. I walked to Sook Sook's door slowly and hesitated at the door before entering his room. I heard his voice talking to Na Jeong, and her voice soft and tender as she spoke to him. I entered the room and though he looked sleepy, his face brightened when he saw me.

"Joon Hyung," he said drowsily. "You came, like you promised." He sent a smile my way and I picked up the book on his bedside table before sitting myself down on his other side.

"Are you ready for your story?" I asked him. Na Jeong mouthed 'Everything okay?' over his head and I nodded. She gave me an answering smile before she tucked her brother tighter under the sheets. He rested his head on my left arm as I opened the book and began to read. Not long after I began, he was fast asleep. Na Jeong and I lifted ourselves slowly and quietly off his bed and walked out of his room and into the kitchen hand in hand, where Appa, and Haitai were already sitting and arguing about... Something. Haitai smiled when he saw me, and said, "Right, Chilbong?"

"Joon-ah, say no," Appa added decisively.

"No," I said. I'm not stupid. I know which side to take in whatever argument this is.

"Suck-up," Haitai said, glaring at me even as Appa sent him a self-satisfied smile.

I sat down just in time to see Omma putting a gigantic bowl of seullongtang in front of me. I saw Haitai's eyes dart to my bowl then his.

"Omma, how come Chilbong gets a bigger bowl?" He asked with a scowl.

"Yah," Appa said, throwing a chopstick at him. "Did you get needles stuck in you today, you punk?" He turned his attention to Na Jeong, who was rubbing some lint off my arm. "Gashina, will you leave the man alone so he can eat in peace? Stop touching that arm... That should be insured."

"APPA!" She said, frowning. I had to hold back a smile.

"Joon-ah, eat a lot," Omma said as she brought her own bowl to the table and finally sat down.

We all started eating even as I ignored the pain on my shoulder where I received my injections. This is normal. The doctor said so. Even so, it was difficult even to lift my arm even to eat some soup. I saw Appa watching me closely before he cleared his throat.

"Chilbong-ah... How long are you going to be getting the treatment?" He asked.

"Uhm... Appa, Dr. Lee said six weeks. So I should be done by mid-October, but I'll still have to do physical therapy after," I said, using my left hand to spoon up some rice. Na Jeong motioned for me to open my mouth and fed me some soup when I did.

"That's going to be difficult," Haitai said thoughtfully as he chewed. "How are you going to manage on your own? Na Jeong can help but she has to work. It's too bad you don't live here anymore. At least someone is always around here."

Na Jeong sent a look his way and he mouthed 'What?' as Omma and Appa exchanged a look before he turned to me.

"That's an idea, Chilbong-ah," Appa said brightly. "Why don't you move back in here temporarily? Just while you're getting your treatments? That way we can keep an eye on you and help you too."

"Ahh," I said, wondering why Na Jeong's foot keeps bumping into mine under the table. "I suppose I can do that. I'll pack some stuff tomorrow and move back into my room. Owww!" Okay, that last bump was definitely a kick. I looked at her to ask what's wrong when I saw her blinking at me, a frown on her pretty face. Her lips were thinned into an irritated line and I really wondered what I did now to make her mad.

"Really? Joon-ah, that's so great to hear!" Omma exclaimed. "I will make sure to buy all the stuff on the list the doctor gave tomorrow!"

I smiled at her even as Na Jeong continued to glare at me. I will never understand women. Wasn't it just months ago that she said she wished I still lived here? Now I am going to be living here and she wasn't happy.

It wasn't until later, as she walked me out of the house and to the car that I found out why.

"Yah... Kim Jae Joon-ssi... I know I told you that I trusted your judgment but you still need to discuss some stuff with me! What made you agree to Appa's suggestion?"

"It sounded like a good idea. You do have to work and if this pain is any indication of how it's going to be for the next six weeks, I will need some help. Didn't you tell me that I should accept help when it's offered? And you get to see me more often," I tried to reassure her.

"Yes... But will I ever get to see you naked again? Don't you want to see me in That Outfit?" She stopped walking when she realized that I was no longer walking with her and turned around to look at me.

"I... I didn't think about that." And I didn't. Dammit. I can't take it back. Not since Appa and I just reached a truce. I still am walking on thin ice with him and at one point I will have to ask him for Na Jeong's hand in marriage. I can't mess this up.

"Omonim was right. Foresight is not your strong suit." She clucked her tongue at me and I cringed. "Oh well," she continued, "I guess we're just going to have to wait."

"We have to wait anyway," I said, trying to diffuse her annoyance. "My shoulder is not good... I'm not exactly at the top of my game."

"Yeah, but Joon-ah," she said, walking towards me and standing on tiptoes to whisper in my ear, "I can always be on top. That won't hurt your shoulder." Desire pounded through me as the memories of Na Jeong riding me tore through my head. She's right. I am an idiot. Now my idiocy will mock me in my face every time I look at her. "You'll be alright though, right?"

I could barely nod as I tried to convince myself of this. We made it four months without physical intimacy when I was in San Francisco. We will last another six weeks. Of course we can. I kissed her lips quickly and made a hasty exit.

I was still trying to convince myself of my ability to control myself as I drove back to the apartment and as I was packing some clothes. And still as I put myself to bed. There's always phone sex, I thought... That's true. There's always phone sex. But who has phone sex while living in the same house? Dammit. My eyes drifting close, I just realized that as always, Na Jeong just being herself managed to keep my mind off this pain all day and all night. I love her.

For the first time in months I fell asleep with a smile on my face. Whatever happens now, life is looking up for me.

## September 8, 2001

## 8:00 a.m.

## Chilbong

I woke up to voices in the living room as well as the sound of the television blaring. Though I've been back at the boarding house for five days, sometimes I still feel disoriented waking up. Having lived by myself for the most part of the last six years, waking up to a full household is a nice surprise. I wondered for a minute how noisy our household would be, if Na Jeong and I do end up having seven kids.

The thought brought a smile to my face even as I heard a faint knock on the door. The door opened and in came Haitai and Samcheonpo, both wearing shorts and T-shirts. Haitai was doing some stretching exercises and Samcheonpo was jogging on the spot.

"Get up," Samcheonpo said. "We're going to train with you today."

"Yeah," Haitai said as he bent down to touch his toes. "Get your ass up, you lazy bum."

"What?" I said, getting out of bed and pulling shorts out of the drawer. "Really?" Na Jeong and I usually take a walk together when she gets home from work but my body is restless. I am not used to being idle.

I walked out of my room with the two of them closely following behind me. I went to the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my teeth before changing into shorts and a t-shirt. I stopped at Na Jeong's door to check to see if she was awake and slowly entered.

Long lashes resting on the very top of her cheekbones, she was still absolutely beautiful even in sleep. I brushed a hand over her cheek and smiled when she whispered my name. Pressing a soft kiss on her forehead, I watched as her eyes opened and hazel eyes met mine. My chest tightened and I marvelled at how even now... Even after all these years, after all we've been through, I still felt this way.

"I'm going for a run with Haitai and Samcheonpo," I said quietly. "I'll be back in a little bit."

"Haitai and Samcheonpo? Are you kidding?" She asked, looking at me sleepily. "Those two don't run."

"Well they're outside waiting for me. They woke me up."

"Really?" She said. Seeing her like this always gets me, when sleep still softens her normally extremely expressive face and gentles her eyes. "Can I have a kiss?" She asked, giving me a lopsided smile. She could have asked me for the world and had I been able I would have given it to her.

I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers even as she sighed my name. Slim arms automatically went around my neck as my tongue met hers. Holding my weight up with my left elbow, we were connected chest to hip, with clothes and her blanket separating us. My hand tenderly brushed her hair down even as her fingers moved under my shirt. I tasted her with my tongue and her teeth nipped on my lips. My mouth moved to her neck and she moaned, the sound like music to my ears. She ran fingers through my hair and pleasure shot through me, making me harden in arousal. When I felt her nails on my abdomen, I knew I had to stop before I couldn't. I could feel her nipples on my chest, even with our clothing separating us, and her heart raced, making the pulse on her neck jump. She looked affected, her breaths coming in short gasps, her cheeks flushed with colour.

This is a very dangerous situation. I have no resistance to this woman. And we are in her parents' house. And they might be right outside her door. Just the thought cooled me right down and I lifted myself off of her so quickly she looked at me in surprise.

"I'm going. I'll be back. I love you." I made my way to her door before she could even give me a response and ordered my body to calm down. I opened the door and walked out to see Samcheonpo and Haitai sitting on the couch. The baby stroller was in the living room and they looked like they were napping. Shaking my head, I woke them both up and we all left the house to go to the nearby park.

Once there I warmed up even as Samcheonpo did his stretching using the baby stroller.

"Samcheonpo... How are you going to run with a baby stroller?" I asked.

"Who said I was going to run?" He answered. "Uri Dong Min and I... We're powerwalking."

I laughed and started jogging, enjoying the feel of my body moving again. I haven't felt any difference on my shoulder yet but it hasn't even been a week yet and I feel hopeful. Haitai managed to keep my pace for a lap and a half as Samcheonpo power walked with the baby. By the end of the second lap Haitai was panting and holding his abdomen and Samcheonpo had slowed down even more.

By the third lap Samcheonpo just stayed at our starting point and Haitai had slowed down so much I was able to run a fourth lap around him. When we were, or I was done, the both of them looked like they were about to start crying. The baby however looked happy and was gurgling cheerfully in his pram. I thought for sure they wouldn't make it back to the house but they managed. It didn't hurt that I told them Omma would probably be cooking breakfast. Apparently Yoon Jin makes Samcheonpo cook breakfast over the week and he could use the break.

When we all finally walked through the door, Na Jeong and Yoon Jin were both already sitting at the table drinking coffee. After saying good morning to Omma, I grabbed a cup and sat down when Na Jeong took the cup away and replaced it with something else.

"Nuh-uh... Chamomile tea for you until treatment is over," she said, lessening the caffeine blow with a smile. "But before that, water first though." She grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen and placed it next to the teacup. Yoon Jin chuckled into her coffee and got up to help Omma set the table.

"How was your run?" She asked. "You got out of here super-fast earlier. Do you feel better?"

"Not quite," I responded.

Her gaze dropped to my lips and she said, "Good."

Haitai and Samcheonpo walked into the kitchen with the stroller and the way they reacted when Omma put the food out you would think they're the ones who ran for miles. We were all eating by the time Binggrae dropped by to check up on me. Sitting himself down at the table, he tried to refuse breakfast only to be served some. He ate reluctantly but didn't finish his food.

"Omma, where's Sook Sook?" I asked as I chewed on some fish.

"Appa walked him to the park earlier. He just joined a baseball league and they practice on Saturday mornings. He said he wanted to be a pitcher, just like you," she responded. "Oh, I forgot my water." She got up from the table and I stopped her before she can even push her chair back.

"Omma, I'll get it," I said, going to the kitchen and grabbing a glass before taking the pitcher of water out of the fridge and pouring some out.

It wasn't until I had returned the pitcher in the fridge that I noticed the drawing that Sook Sook had completed for school. I smiled at his drawing of Appa with a frown with Omma with a smile. He drew Na Jeong with long hair and himself wearing a cap and holding a baseball. Next to Na Jeong was another figure, and I looked closely to see who it was supposed to be, expecting to see Jung Gook Hyung's name. Instead I saw my name and I smiled. He drew two more figures, one in the background with wings, labelled Hoon Hyung and one next to Appa with a stethoscope, labelled Jung Gook Hyung. I love that kid, I thought, reminding myself to buy him ice cream later.

"Joon-ah," Binggrae said, his mouth full of rice. "Let me check you out after breakfast."

"Check me out?" I asked, putting Omma's water to her side and sitting back down.

"Yes, I want to check your vital signs and the site on your shoulder." I was about to say no when he continued. "Humour me. People can get infections from injection sites and I'll feel better once I've seen that it's okay."

"Fine."

The rest of breakfast passed pretty uneventfully and afterwards I allowed Binggrae to look at me. Everything checked out fine and he made me promise to let him check me every weekend and to call him if any of the sites looked funny or I spike a temperature. I must admit though... Having a doctor in the family can be quite convenient.

Later as I watched the women clean up and the men congregated back in the living room, it finally hit me that I was part of a family, just like what In Sung had said. The family I picked for myself. However, I felt even more blessed, as I am mending my relationship with my Omma now. There's just one more relationship that needs to be settled, though I'm not sure if that will ever be fixed.

## September 15, 2001

## 8:30 a.m.

## Na Jeong

Joon's second treatment went by without a hitch. Now that he knew what to expect, he hadn't been as anxious as he was the first time. He tried to appear like he wasn't apprehensive, but I saw the way his eyes became guarded, the way they always did when he's about to hide behind his mask, so I made sure that was stopped before he even had a chance to revert to old behaviour.

He doesn't talk about them much anymore, but I know the nightmares still come sometimes. He doesn't seem as affected by them, as if he's become more accepting of their presence in his life. "I can't help that they come," he said to me once when I asked, "but I can help the way I react to them." For the most part he has been doing well on his own.

However, this past week, I've seen the doubt in his eyes after the third treatment. He hasn't seen any results yet and I feel his restlessness and his worry. He has started talking about going back to school and trying to find an alternate plan. I keep telling him to slow down and allow the treatment to do its job. His body will heal the way it's meant to, in the speed that it needs to.

He woke me up last night when he came into my room in the middle of the night. He almost scared me half to death until I realized it was him. It seemed he had a dream again, of losing baseball and of me leaving. I know he told me of his dream not because he wanted to but because I asked. I also know he's uncomfortable allowing me into his mind, as if I was going to judge him. Though I've reassured him many times that I wasn't going anywhere, sometimes the brain doesn't understand what the heart does. So instead of just comforting his mind, I gave him an assignment instead: One of my fool proof methods to clear my mind and make sense of things. "Let's both make a list," I had suggested. "You make a list of why I would leave and I'll make one of why I wouldn't. In the morning we'll compare notes."

Standing by his door with my hand poised to knock, I looked at the piece of paper in my hand and hoped that he didn't stay up all night writing his list. Dr. Lee said it... Plenty of rest and good nutrition makes a difference on how effective the treatment will be. I knocked once and opened his door only to find him asleep on top of the covers with a notepad and a pen still in his hands.

As quietly as possible I sat myself down on the bed and looked at his list. Lifting up the notepad I saw that he had listed completely inane reasons as to why I would leave. "Because I'm useless" is not a reason because he's not useless. Neither is "I'm an ass sometime," even though that may be true. I saw that he was only able to write 8 reasons why I would leave, and none of them would stand up under scrutiny. This man can never be a lawyer, I thought, shaking my head. But he tried though.

I looked at my piece of paper with my forty three reasons of why I would never leave and placed it between his fingers. Maybe he'll read it and he'll realize that all of the bad things he thought about himself are still a part of why I love him. Joon's a logical man... Sometimes. So I'm giving him the proof... Something he can visualize. Sometimes you need to see it to believe it.

I brushed a finger over his brow before I made my way out of the room. Thank goodness I called Samcheonpo and told him that Joon and I will be working out together today. I ran into Haitai just outside his room and told him the same thing. It's time for me and Joon to spend some quality time together, hopefully bathed in sweat. It's time for my man to step up and remember who he was, before all this happened.

He may not have liked just being known as Chilbong, but being Chilbong is part of who he is. A good part. I fell in love with Chilbong before I fell crazy in love with Kim Jae Joon. The sooner he reconciles these two halves together, the better.

The next time I woke up, it was past 11 a.m. The sun greeted me brightly from my windows as I stood up and stretched. Putting on a pair of yoga pants and a shirt, I was putting socks on when I heard a faint knock on my door.

"Come in," I called out, walking to my desk and grabbing a hair tie. I had just put my hair up in a ponytail when I felt soft lips on my neck. Joon. I turned around and smiled at him. "Good morning."

"Good morning," he said, a broad smile on his face. "I saw your list."

"Oh yeah?" I asked. "What do you think?"

"I think you gave a compelling and convincing argument. You win. Except, I guess, in this case I win too. But Na Jeong-ah... 43? You actually came up with 43 reasons why you wouldn't leave me?"

"Yah... I would have put more but I thought it would be overkill." I looked him up and down, dressed in a T-shirt and tracksuit bottoms. Perfect. "Joon-ah... Want to go on a date with me?"

He smiled even wider and nodded. "Let me just change real quick..."

"Nope... Where we're going it doesn't matter how you're dressed." He looked at me as if he didn't believe me. "I promise." I took his hand and said, "let's go."

Passing by Omma and Appa on our way out, I told them we'll be going out for a little while. Engrossed with a program on television, they barely acknowledged us as Joon grabbed his car keys. Once in the car, he turned to me and asked me where to drive to.

"Where else? Your apartment building " I said as his eyes darkened and dropped to my lips. "It's time to see what you're capable of."

## September 15, 2001

## 12:00 p.m.

## Chilbong

I was tricked, I thought as Na Jeong stood before me with her arms crossed over her chest, counting my repetitions out loud. When we walked into the building I was surprised when she told me to close my eyes. Blindly I followed, thinking I was about to seduced again. I was ready to be seduced. And I wanted to be seduced.

When she led me down a hallway rather than up the elevator, I thought she was being adventurous. I don't know. I never know what to expect with Na Jeong. I saw the glint in her eyes this before we left the boarding house. I recognized that twinkle. She had told me to open my eyes and I looked around and realized she brought me to the weight room of the apartment building. Is this some kind of weird fantasy of hers? I mean I don't care. I'll perform wherever at the rate we're going, but looking around isn't it a bit unhygienic? She motioned for me to get on the leg press machine and I went. Whatever Na Jeong wants, Na Jeong gets... To a certain extent. But this... This is okay.

I get the machine and my breath caught when she walked towards me but expecting her to climb over me I was puzzled when she went behind me instead and heard her adjusting the weights. With an encouraging voice, she said six words. "Ten reps, two sets. Let's go."

Still a little confused I did what she said, feeling my muscles warm up to the activity. Maybe it's foreplay. It has been a long time.

"Front leg lunges, Joon," she said next, "10 reps, three sets." When I looked at her puzzled, she explained. "Pitchers with leg strength are able to deliver better throws. I read this when I read up on baseball."

Is she... Is she trying to seduce me with baseball? This woman knows my language, I thought as I smiled to myself. I've heard what she's saying before and it can't hurt. So I did it.

However, after the fourth leg exercise, she moved on to stomach exercises and I got even more confused. I've never heard of this kind of foreplay.

"Joon-ah, it's a known fact that a baseball pitcher with a strong core has higher arm speed and more hip rotation. You can increase your pitching velocity."

Wondering when she had time to look all of this up, I didn't say anything when she insisted that I do three sets each of sit ups and crunches. But I had to draw the line when she wanted me to do ab exercises that involved my arms and shoulders. I haven't done any kind of lifting with my right shoulder since the injury, even though Dr. Lee said it was okay. I don't want to mess it up before it even heals.

"Na Jeong-ah... No!" I protested.

"Why not?" She asked. "The doctor said to keep your shoulder moving, Joon-ah. We've been in treatment for three weeks and you haven't even tried to lift weights yet. Are you afraid?"

"No. I just don't want to."

"I've read about this too... How about an incentive?" She winked at me then smiled. "If you do this cable pull exercise for 3 sets with 10 reps each I will kiss you for an hour whenever you want."

Is she bribing me now? With kisses? Thinking on how long it's been since we made out, I walked over to the machine and with reluctance, started doing the exercise. Though my shoulder ached at first, it was an ache borne from lack of use as opposed to real pain. I continued to count as I did the exercise and she watched. I added another set in the end for good measure. You know, to prove my good intentions.

She led me through two more ab exercises, both performed under duress. By the time I was done with them I was already owed three hours of kissing and maybe a view of a body part. I can't believe this woman is actually using this to make me do things. I bet she would try to...

"Oh hell no, Sung Na Jeong-ssi. It's too early for actual lifting."

"Dr. Lee didn't say anything about that," she said, blinking at me. "You can't avoid it forever. If you do this push press for 3 sets of 8 reps, I'll call you Oppa."

"What?" I looked at her and wondered for a minute if she had gone insane, only to see her face with an expression that tells me is very very serious. She raised one eyebrow challengingly.

Dammit. She knows what to do to get to me. She knows I would have given an arm and leg to hear her call me that. Now she's asking me to do just that. I sat on the machine and she adjusted the weights. It's time to negotiate.

"Can you do it with aegyo?" I asked.

"Only if you do the seated row machine after. Same number of reps. Same number of sets." She lifted her chin up stubbornly.

"Call." What is it about hearing the word Oppa and the men of Korea? This is, frankly, ridiculous! Even as I frowned at her and she looked at me, I imagined her calling me Joon Oppa and I felt a blush cover my cheeks. My shoulder felt like a grumpy bear that's been forced to wake up and I breathed through the burn.

Wordlessly I moved on to the seated row machine and waited until she was done setting the weight up before starting the exercise. By the time I was done with that, my eyes travelled around the room only to realize that I have already done most of the exercises.

Wow... Na Jeong is good. I didn't think I was that weak but apparently I am. I tallied in my head the hours of kissing and the cute aegyo Oppa. She doesn't have much else to barter with. Surely we're done. I rubbed my right shoulder as I watched her make a note on her notebook, the one she pulled out as soon as we arrived. I looked at the clock and saw that we have already been here a couple of hours.

"One more exercise," she said.

"I'm done. I'm not going to overwork my shoulder."

"Just the bench press. I'll spot you," she insisted.

"How will you spot me?" I asked. "The last time I bench pressed I almost dropped the weighted bar."

"Just try it," she said. "Joon Oppa."

Unbelievable, I thought, as I laid down on the bench. I never thought in my wildest dreams that Na Jeong would pull the Oppa card to get me working out. She stood behind the bar and I looked up to see a pair of breasts not far above me. Well... Maybe this one isn't so bad. I lift the bar and my shoulder resisted. As soon as the pain hit, I put the bar back on the stand.

"I can't do it," I said. I sat back up and looked at her.

"Why not?"

"It hurts. What if my shoulder gets even more messed up?"

"Joon-ah, you are not doing heavy duty lifting." Hazel eyes met mine defiantly but I wasn't going to back down on this. We were at an impasse. I was about to stand up and start my cooling down exercises when I heard her voice behind me. "Chilbong would have done it."

"What did you say?" I asked as I turned back to look at her.

"You heard me." She started wiping the machines down with the sanitizer spray and a towel. "Chilbong wouldn't have given up. He wouldn't want you to, either."

"Chilbong is gone," I said firmly. "Kim Jae Joon is not as strong and definitely not as naive."

"Joon-ah... You don't need to say the name Chilbong so resentfully. He's not your enemy, and he's not your competition." She put the towel down before walking towards me. "You are Kim Jae Joon... But you're Chilbong too. He is you. He's still you."

"Chilbong was loved by everyone but you," I said. "He was your friend but you didn't love him."

"That's where you're mistaken. Without Chilbong I might not be as in love with Kim Jae Joon. Chilbong did the grunt work for you. He waited the six years and planted the seeds. I fell in love with him before I even knew Kim Jae Joon. He made sure you made it through your worst times. And he will get you through this too. I know it. I feel it. I believe in you so much I am betting my future on this."

Her words broke through whatever wall I had up. Adamant and unshaken, her words were spoken with conviction.

"Joon-ah," she said as she crouched down to look me in the eyes. "Don't make this more difficult than it has to be. I love every part of you." I felt warm fingers brush my cheek as she pressed her soft lips on mine. Our lips only a whisper of a breath from each other, she whispered, "I love YOU. Whatever name you're called, whatever name you go by or however you see yourself as. To me, it's all just you."

She pulled away from me and I laid down on the bench. To try again. I took a deep breath and lifted the bar, telling my shoulder it's okay. I felt myself relax and though still a bit difficult I was able to complete the exercise without much struggle. Maybe I was getting better, I thought. Maybe I just didn't give myself the opportunity to find out how much.

When I was done with the exercises I cleaned up along with Na Jeong and then took my hand in hers.

"Jagiya, thanks for believing in me."

"You just needed a little bit of motivation and the right incentive," she responded playfully. When she asked, "When do you want your reward?" I merely smiled at her in response.

Minutes later we were at a ddukbokki stand and she looked at me stonily.

"I'm not saying it here," she said.

"You said you would do it. Tsk... Tsk... Sung Na Jeong-ssi, I thought you of all people would follow through. I thought..."

"Joon-ie Oppa," she whispered with her eyelashes fluttering with a small pout on her lips. My heart dropped to my stomach as I watched her. "Please buy me some ddukbokki, Joon-ie Oppaaaa..."

I ended up buying five orders of ddukbokki. She laughed about it all the way home.

## Sushi Hyo

## October 8, 2001

## 8:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

In Sung and Misoo sat across the table from me and Na Jeong and I was telling the story of how Misoo walked into the locker room one day when we were in university as I was changing and I told her to knock. She asked me who knocks to enter a locker room and asked if she was a guy. I started cracking up when I was telling them that she had given me the finger. In Sung burst into laughter and Misoo did too. Na Jeong blinked at me before she motioned for me to come closer.

"Does that mean she saw you with your shirt off?" She asked.

"She saw me many times with my shirt off."

"That'smorethanI'veseenrecently," she mumbled.

"What, jagiya?"

"Nothing." She gave me a reluctant smile and stuffed her mouth with a piece of sushi.

"Yah," Misoo said. "At least I don't go around kissing drunk people and lying to my coach."

In Sung started laughing even more and I looked over nervously at Na Jeong. I don't think she knows. Good. We'll keep it that way. I don't want her thinking that I go around doing things without permission. Even though I did. Once. Only once.

I know Na Jeong is frustrated about not having any physical alone time but I can't help but feel relieved. The memory of that night still haunts me and I'm afraid to lose control like that again. The more time passes the more I think about it. It's better that we wait. I'm thankful now of all those missed opportunities. I know she will never forgive me if it happened again. And I will never forgive myself.

It's a blessing that we are currently living under the same roof, with her parents and other people. We kiss and that's about it. I'm perfectly happy with it. Okay, maybe I'm just okay with it. But... There are other more important things to worry about.

I went in for my fifth appointment today. Haitai and Samcheonpo continue to run with me on the weekends and Appa sometimes accompanies me when I lift. Na Jeong had designed a lifting and workout schedule for me, which she has up on the fridge at the boarding house as well as my room. I feel my body getting stronger but my shoulder still hurts like a bitch after treatment.

Omma includes at least one of the recommended foods in each meal, but I will be perfectly happy never seeing chamomile tea ever again. I haven't allowed myself to hold a baseball again yet, afraid that the temptation to throw would be too great. And it is a temptation. I feel like I've lost a limb.

In Sung's voice brought me back to the present.

"How's treatment going?" He asked hesitantly.

"It's good," I responded. "I'm able to lift now."

"That's good news," Misoo said.

"Let me know when you go and I'll spot you," In Sung offered.

"That would be great," I started when I felt Na Jeong's hand on my thigh. Oh no... I know this trick. I took her hand and held it in mine instead. I saw annoyance flash in her light eyes and I just kept eating.

When we finished our meal, I had just placed my card in the check holder when Na Jeong spilled soy sauce all over her shirt. I thought I spied a smile before she started panicking. I don't really understand what the big deal is since it was a dark shirt but she was so distraught I felt bad. We paid for our meal and bid Misoo and In Sung good night, with a promise from In Sung that he will meet up with me to work out sometime this week.

As we got in the car, I looked over at Na Jeong to see her staring at the spot where the soy sauce spilled.

"Joon-ah... I need to get this washed before it stains," she said. "I think we should go to your apartment. It's only five minutes away from here."

"Sure... We can wash it there," I said nervously as I eased out of the parking space and onto the highway.

"I'm going to need to shower too," she added.

"Okay... I think I have some clothes you can change into," I responded.

"I still have some clothes at your place, don't I?" She asked. "I'll just wear one of those."

I nodded and tried to stay focused on the road and not think about Na Jeong in the shower. Is she doing this deliberately? Planting seeds in my head? I parked the car into a space in front of the apartment building and opened her car door. When she stepped out she took a hard look at me and spoke.

"Joon-ah... I forgot to tell you. If you don't claim even part of your reward tonight, the three hours of kissing, the whole thing is forfeited," she whispered as she walked away from me, hips swaying gracefully and I walked faster to catch up to her.

"You didn't tell me it had an expiration date," I complained.

"You didn't ask. Things change, Joon-ah. If you don't use it, you lose it." She stepped in the elevator and looked at me determinedly. I followed her without saying a word. She is in a mood tonight. I can practically feel her temper simmering to boil.

When we got to the apartment, she took her shoes off and lifted her shirt in the entryway before opening the bathroom door.

"Are you going to take a shower with me?" She asked me directly. I felt myself harden instantly and I turned away before I shake my head to her question. I love Na Jeong. My hormones aren't worth risking losing her for. "Joon-ah... We're going to have a talk tonight." She handed me her shirt and I brought it in the laundry room to wash.

While there I thought about what we probably would have to talk about. We're not fighting. In fact we are better than ever. We feel strong as a couple.

When Na Jeong came out of the shower she was wrapped in a towel, as was her hair. I was sitting in the living room trying not to look. I felt her glare at me before she disappeared into the bedroom, I'm assuming to put clothes on.

I was flipping the channels when I saw her walk out. Or not put clothes on, I observed as she walked out wearing, or not wearing, what she had on the night I invited the gang over for dinner. I watched silently as the fringes swooshed over the tops of her thighs as she walked towards me and tried not to gape at the smooth expanse of her back. First she sat down on the couch, and unable to get a reaction out of me, planted herself on the coffee table directly across from where I sat.

"Joon-ah, we have a problem."

"What problem?"

"I think you're scared to get back on the horse." Horses now? Have we moved onto to pasture animals? I have no clue what she's talking about.

"What about horses?" I asked, confused.

"I think it might be saddle. But whatever, you're afraid to get back on something," she said with an intent look on her face. "Joon-ah... Are we ever going to make love ever again?"

"Of course we are."

"Okay, that's a start," she said encouragingly. "Do you know when, exactly?" When I didn't respond, she looked concerned. "Does your shoulder hurt a lot still?" I shook my head no. "Is anything wrong with... Your equipment?"

"NO! Sung Na Jeong! Everything works fine!"

"No need to get upset. I was just making sure so that there's no confusion," she responded. "So if everything is in tip top shape... Then what is the matter?"

"I... I used it against you before and it hurt you," I said. "I don't want to do it again. I lose control around you. It scares me sometimes. I don't want to lose my head. And I don't want to lose you."

"Where am I going? I'm still right here. Were you not paying attention the first time we spoke? It wasn't what we did that hurt me, but how we did it," she explained. "Joon-ah... I love you. I want to feel close to you. I want to be physically connected to you. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

When I didn't say anything she whispered something in my ear.

"You understand right? You can't let fear take over your life. Or take over our life together," she paused before she continued. "Let's try something. How about we try and you don't do anything unless I give you explicit approval? I'll take control and you only do what I want you to do. Will that work?"

Even just her words were having an effect on me already.

"I'm going to climb on your lap and straddle you, okay?" She asked, her eyes fixed on my lips. "I don't want to hurt your shoulder and it's more comfortable for me."

I nodded and watched as she did just as she would do. Slender thighs splayed over mine and I licked my lips. "Can I put my hands on your hips?"

"That's a start... You don't have to ask Joon-ah. I know how to say no and deliver a punch. Also I know where to hit you where it will hurt." I smiled at her response. It is so Na Jeong. My woman is awesome.

"Na Jeong-ah... I'm cashing in on one of my rewards," I told her.

"Finally, " she said as she wrapped her arms around my neck. "I love the way you kiss me."

I only had to lean forward to take her lips in mine. Soft and sweet, her mouth moved slowly over mine and I realized consciously how much I've missed this. Nimble fingers ran through my hair before landing on my shoulders.

"Joon-ah... Am I hurting you?" She whispered.

I shook my head no before her mouth landed back on mine. I tasted the sake we had with dinner on her tongue. Good, I thought, I love sake. Her tongue moved against mine tenderly and I heard her moan as I continued to kiss her.

She grabbed one of my hands from her waist and placed it on her breast, urging me to squeeze and cup. When my thumb brushed over a nipple she trembled and slipped the straps off her shoulders.

"Joon-ah... I want your mouth on me," she said against my lips.

"My mouth is on you already," I whispered back.

"You know what I meant." I met her beautiful eyes as she wiggled her eyebrows at me. My mouth travelled the length of her neck to her chest and I nuzzled a breast.

"You mean here?" I asked.

Her answering sigh was the confirmation I needed and I took the hardened peak of one breast tenderly into my mouth. My tongue moved over it slowly, savouring her taste, savouring her enjoyment as she started moving over my hips. When I've properly cared for one breast, I moved on to the other and gave it as much care.

She lifted my shirt over my head and kissed my shoulders then down my chest. I watched as her mouth travelled down my abdomen and her hands tugged my pants down, along with my boxers. My arousal free, she grasped it with her hands and her fingers caressed its length before I felt her mouth, warm and wet, descend upon me.

Though my hips begged to move, I kept a tight rein on myself and just let her call the shots. I could only watch as her fingers moved with her mouth and sensation over sensation threatened to push me over the edge. When I didn't think I was going to last another second, she slipped out of whatever she was wearing altogether and went back to my lap. I closed my eyes and enjoyed the feel of her body on mine. She took my mouth again for a kiss, her lips sucking on my tongue. She broke the kiss long enough to tell me what she wanted then returned back. "Joon-ah... I want you... I want you inside me," she said.

Still a little nervous about losing a grasp on my control, I lifted her hips off of me and slipped inside her. She is as tight as I had remembered. She gasped and moaned and she sat herself down on me and I saw the sheen of sweat over her shoulder. I gave her shoulder a lick as she started moving against me. Slow at first, my hands stayed on her hips as she pulled me in deeper and deeper inside her. When she sped up, I continued to watch as her face became flushed with passion and her moans became louder. She called my name and I knew she was close. I wrap my lips around her nipple and gave a long suck even as my fingers caressed the tight bud between her legs. She screamed my name out and I continued to guide her over me as I felt her contract around my arousal. My breaths shorten as I drank the sight of her in and how I felt in her. Her eyes fixed on mine and her body still shaking, her climax pushed me over the edge and I allowed myself to let go, sparks of pleasure shooting up from my abdomen to my spine as I moaned her name.

After a few minutes she spoke softly. "That wasn't so bad, was it?" She gazed at my face. "Now you understand the difference? I knew the whole time that we were making love because I felt love. If I didn't want you to do something I know I could have stopped you at any point. I trust you, Joon-ah. Without trust, love is just an empty word. Trust ME when I say that I can handle you." Looking at her eyes, unshaken and true, I could only nod.

She stayed connected to me as she rested her head on my left shoulder and her hand strayed to my chest. I saw her eyes land on my shoulder as she studied it closely.

"Joon-ah... The treatment is going to scar a little," she said.

"I hate scars," I said hoarsely. "It's like showing the world a weakness... It's like exposing a wound."

Her hands kept my head steady so she could look into my eyes.

"Well I like scars," she declared softly, placing a soft kiss on my right shoulder. "It's like a badge of honour. There's nothing wrong with having weaknesses... Or making mistakes. And we all have them. Except for some of us, they're not on the surface but really really deep inside."

She continued to speak as she licked an earlobe and I took her words to heart. Na Jeong's voice will echo through me all my life. She will be my voice of reason, my voice of sanity and my conscience.

"Well I know one thing for sure, though," she said thoughtfully.

"What?" I asked, brushing a stray hair off her shoulder.

"Everything does, indeed, work." We started laughing and she looked at me with her eyes sparkling and a glow on her cheeks.

"Na Jeong-ah, I love you."

"I love you more," she said back with a wink.

"Not again," I said before rolling her over on her back as she shrieked in surprise. "Jagiya..."

"Hmm?" She said as my mouth kissed her shoulder.

"Does that count towards my reward?"

She looked thoughtful for a minute before she responded. "I'll tell you after round 2."

## November 17, 2001

## 2:00 p.m.

## Na Jeong

"Omma, I don't know what Joon has planned for tonight. I didn't ask and he didn't say. You know it doesn't matter anyway... What's one anniversary when we will be together forever?" I asked on the phone as I walked out of my office building. Omma is even more excited about our anniversary than either me or Joon are... It's so funny. We don't need an anniversary to celebrate... We reconnect on a daily basis. We make the commitment every day. I was just about to tell her so when I spotted a familiar car in front of the entrance. "Omma, I have to go. It seems my hot date is here."

I hung up the phone and watched as Joon got out of the car with a big bouquet of roses. Dressed casually in a long sleeved shirt and jeans, his feet were in boots. He looked like a walking advertisement for casual, rugged male. Maybe Yoon Jin was right... Joon could model, if he wanted to. He strolled towards me in long strides, more comfortable than I've seen him in the last two months. His face broke out into a smile when he reached my side and I had no choice but to smile back.

"Hey, handsome," I said.

"Jagiya," he responded as his arms wrapped around me and he pressed a kiss to my forehead. "Happy anniversary."

"You didn't have to do this," I said as he handed me the roses.

"You think I'd skip out on the opportunity to celebrate a year with you?" He teased. "I have something else planned. Just wait."

He took my hand as we walked to the car and as I sat down, I wondered what else he could possibly have arranged. Joon and his plans. I thought I was the organizer between us. More and more I'm starting to realize that he's actually the one who needs definites in life. When he didn't tell me where we were going, I just settled on watching outside the window as he held my hand while driving, a small smile on my face.

My face dropped as he stopped and parked right by the Han River. I looked at his calm face and wondered what the hell this was. What are we doing here? Is he breaking up with me on our anniversary?

"Joon-ah... Tell me this is not what it looks like," I said.

"What does it look like?"

"Why are we at the Han River? Have you forgotten all the dramas we've seen? Are you breaking up with me? Nothing good ever happens here."

"Na Jeong-ah, calm down. First of all, we're not in a drama. Secondly... Hmm... There's no second item. But no, I'm not breaking up with you," he said calmly. "I had planned a picnic... I just thought this would be a great place." He looked around me and gestured. It wasn't until I digested his reasoning that it struck me that before he would have just done whatever I wanted, with no questions asked, but now he thinks about it logically and says what is on his mind. He's getting better, I thought to myself. For one second I wondered if I should just stay here, but remembering all those dramas, I chose to hold my ground.

"Let's go to Namsan Tower instead... We can just be like a regular couple," I suggested.

"How about Namsan Park. If you want, we can go up after. The tower will be really crowded as it's a Saturday," he reasoned with me. "Plus I brought a picnic." I don't know if I like this not getting my way business. I'm not used to Joon saying no. I thought about his words, though, and they made sense. The park is a much better place for a picnic.

"The park sounds good," I relented and watched him smile in response. He put the car back into drive and drove the short distance to the park.

When we got there he opened the passenger door and grabbed a basket from the back of the car, then locked it and took my hand.

As we looked for a spot to eat at, I couldn't help but keep looking at him. His treatment has been done for four weeks, and he's getting better everyday. He's stuck through the training schedule I set up for him. He's gained all the weight back in muscle mass training at least three hours a day and his confidence has grown leaps and bounds. He hasn't told me about any nightmares in weeks. Watching him now, no one would ever guess that two months ago, he was falling apart.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked as he put the basket down on a grassy spot overlooking the flower garden. His eyes searched mine as I thought of my response.

"Not a lot," I said, "just how quickly everything changes sometimes. Just like every year on New Year, we always get opportunities to start anew and transform ourselves. It happened to me, and I see it happening to you."

I sat down and opened the basket he had and started laughing. He just about had every type of food in there. Ddukbokki, sushi, jajangmyun, some fried chicken. I'm surprised he didn't try to bring a grill and make bulgogi, too. It's good to know that no matter how much he changes, Joon is still essentially the same.

"I wasn't sure what you wanted to eat, so I thought I'd cover the bases. But the chicken is for me. Protein is good for people working out," he said and I smiled.

"Joon-ah," I started as I started eating some jajangmyun. "Are you still having nightmares? We've been so busy recently we haven't even spoken about it. Plus it's not exactly breakfast or dinner conversation material."

"I don't have a lot of them, anymore. None that includes you. Besides I don't call them nightmares nowadays... I've recognized them for what they actually are. They're memories," he said. "And need only to be considered as such. I won't let them have that kind power over my present or our future. I already had my almost nervous breakdown and I didn't like it. They're unwanted visitors but that's about it."

I listened to his voice as I ate and marvelled at how in control he is. Gone is the insecure Joon of old. This man knows exactly what he's doing.

"I'm proud of you," I said and I meant it.

Now the next step... The next step will happen when we get back to the house. I studied his face as he looked around the park appreciatively. Though he looked at peace, and I do believe he is most times, I feel the listlessness coming from him too. I see it whenever he avoids baseball talk and how he veils his eyes whenever Appa tells us about a game. He loves baseball and because he can't have it, he's just choosing to cut it off entirely from his life. I understand that. He tried to do that with me, too. But I know him too well. Living without it will be miserable for him. Yes, he may never play baseball again professionally. And yes, I'm sure that will break his heart, but it won't hurt any more than depriving himself of it for the rest of his life. He needs another chance at playing baseball and seeing if his dream can stay alive. I believe that if he doesn't have that, he will question it forever. I'm the one who will be by his side, and I can't allow that to happen.

I looked in my purse to see the speedometer I bought on my way in to work, as well as the baseball I picked up. I think it's time that he picked one up and threw again. I cleared it with Dr. Lee, who said that as long as Joon warms up his shoulder extensively, he should be okay.

I was eating some cake when I saw him watching me. The way he was looking at me took my breath away. There is no one who makes me feel more alive than Joon does. In his eyes I feel special and very very much loved. I know he knows now how much I love him and how grateful I am that he loves me. Wanting to hear him laugh, I decided to re-enact one of our lighter moments, from months and months ago.

"Jagiya," I said, scooting closer to him. "Do you want some cake?"

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi. The last time you offered me some cake, I ended up sticky and dirty," he said drily. "And needing a shower."

"What are you talking about?" I asked innocently, offering a big bite on a fork. "I just wanted you to have a taste." He looked at me warily but closed his eyes and opened his mouth anyway. Sucker. Quietly I picked up some cake and smooshed it delicately on his chin. I watched as his eyes opened and he narrowed his eyes on me. "Oops."

"Na Jeong-ah," he said warningly.

"Let me just... I'm just going to..." I said as I put the plate down and got to my feet. He was wiping his face with a napkin, but when I saw that he was getting up too, I started running, knowing that he would chase after me. I darted across the grass and around some trees, Joon yelling at me to stop. He almost caught me a few times but I managed to evade his grasp. When I ran out of breath, I stood underneath a tree and watched as he came towards me, his face laughing and happy, his chin smeared with chocolate. The lightness of his expression warmed my heart. When I finally allowed him to catch me, I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave him a thorough kiss.

"Joon-ah, I love you. Happy anniversary. I'll give you your gift later," I said.

He bumped his nose with mine. "I love you more. You are my gift."

"You can't receive a gift that's already yours," I said. "That's cheating."

He shrugged his shoulders then. "What to do then? I already have what I wanted."

Not everything you wanted, I thought as we stood under the tree, looking into each other's eyes. Not quite everything, but you will again one day soon. I'll make sure of it.

## Sincheon Boarding House

## 5:00 p.m.

## Na Jeong

We were all sitting watching television when I thought of a way to get Joon pitching again. I looked at Sook Sook sitting on Joon's lap and I wondered if he would cooperate. Why wouldn't he? He plays baseball too. And he wants to be a pitcher. Who better to teach him than Joon? And what better way to get Joon to throw than to have it under the guise of mentorship and brotherhood?

"Sook Sook-ah," I said and motioning to him. "Come help Noona find something in her room."

"Should I come, too?" Joon said.

"No... I need Sook Sook. His hands are small. Your hands are too big. You just stay here with Omma and Appa and watch television," I responded, walking to my room with Sook Sook.

"Noona," he said once we got to my room. "What am I looking for?"

"Ahhh... I don't think you need to find it anymore, Sook Sook-ah. I think I see it on my table," I responded, holding up a pen. "But Sook Sook-ah... Didn't you say you wanted to learn how to pitch from Joon Hyung? I think it will make him really happy if you asked him to teach you."

"But Appa said he has a booboo," he said. "And he gets mean faced when I talk about baseball."

"His booboo is all better. And his mean face is just his missing baseball face. It's still daylight outside... You can ask him."

"Hmm... Okay," Sook Sook said. "But if he gets mad, it'll be your fault."

I nodded and smiled and handed him the baseball from my purse. As he came out of my room, I followed behind him and listened to his voice from the doorway.

"Joon Hyung!!! Come throw this ball with me. I want to be a pitcher, just like you!"

I didn't hear his response, but I did hear the front door closing. I knew it. I knew he wouldn't be able to say no to Sook Sook. Those two have a mutually adoring relationship. Convinced that I had already accomplished my goal for the day, I walked back out to the living room to see Omma and Appa looking at me.

"What?" I asked as I sat down on the floor.

"Did you do that?" Omma asked. "You just used Sook Sook to get Joon to hold a baseball again." Her tone remained neutral and I struggled to figure out whether I should apologize or not. "Smart," she finally commented. "Your brother is irresistibly cute."

Appa nodded next to her. "He's avoided it too long. He has to start somewhere."

Relieved that my parents also noticed what I've been seeing all along, I walked to the window and watched as Joon held the ball in his hand for the first time in months to show my brother the proper pitching position. It's not much but it's a start, I thought to myself. It's a start.

## December 22, 2001

## 4:30 p.m.

## Chilbong

After waking up later than I had hoped, I checked my phone to see a message from Na Jeong asking if I wanted her to drive with me to the game. Yes. Of course. But I knew I needed silence before a game. I always need a moment to listen to my thoughts and get my mind into the game. I love her but she's not a quiet girl.

I sent her a message telling her I'll see her after the game, as we made plans to meet up with the gang along with Misoo and In Sung for a meal and drinks later. I might need a drink after this game. When Na Jeong told me about the invitation to play a month ago, my first instinct had been to say no. But all it took was one look into her eyes, eyes that always believed in me, and I found myself saying yes. Now I question the rationality of that thought. I haven't played baseball in months, and I felt the pressure to perform well. It's the first time I'm playing in public after my injury.

I took a quick shower and as I was drying off I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked more like myself from a few months ago. In fact, I am in better shape than I was before the injury. The weeks of lifting had done its job. I looked strong.

I looked closely at the mirror and saw that some of the sites where I received my injections have scarred. Not badly and no one would probably even notice unless they looked closely, but they're there. Pinpoint dots of healed skin, proof of what I had to get through to even get to this point. An unbidden memory of Na Jeong's lips on the same spot came to me.

"Everyone's got scars, Joon-ah. Some are seen and some are not. They're all beautiful and they're all a part of us. Scars mean you're healing, scars mean you've gone through something painful enough to leave a mark. Wear it with pride. It means you survived."

And I did. I have survived. Not alone and not by myself, remembering all the people in my life who ensured that I did and that I made it through with my dignity intact. To have been blessed with such people was an honour I never even thought I would have and I owe it to them to try my best, no matter the outcome.

I quickly got dressed in tracksuit bottoms and a long sleeved shirt before slipping the chain with my ring over my head. I drove to Yonsei University and entered the locker rooms to see In Sung and the other guys already there, getting ready. He smiled and approached me as soon as he saw me and engulfed me in a bear hug.

"Yah... Chilbong-ah, can you believe we're back here again? How long has it been since we played together? Five, six years?" He exclaimed.

"I think it's been about that long," I replied, thinking. We haven't played together since I left for Japan.

"It'll be great!"

His enthusiasm was contagious and I felt the familiar thrum of adrenaline and excitement course through me. I saw the Yonsei All Stars jersey hanging in the cubby with my last name and number and felt a lump form in my throat as I touched it. Our old coach called us for our pre-game huddle just as I was buttoning the uniform on.

I rotated my shoulder a few times as I walked over and noted that I felt no pain. I feel good. Better than I've felt for months. The coach talked about playing for pride and for Yonsei, to respect the tradition that has been in this institution for decades. I felt as I did years ago, in this same place, when my future hung at a precipice towards the unknown.

As we were filing out to go on the field, I let my mind wander to all the people who have watched me grow up on the field. I will play for them tonight. I'll play for all the people who believed in me, for the people who never lost faith. I'll play for myself and for Yonsei too. But above all that, I'll play for the one person who never gave up on me even when it felt like the world had. I'll play for Na Jeong.

## Yonsei University Baseball Stadium

## December 22, 2001

## 6:00 p.m.

## Na Jeong

I found myself seated in between everyone. I mentioned the game to our family and friends but didn't think they were all actually going to be here. To my right sat Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo, holding hands and acting like teenagers as his Omma came from Samcheonpo to babysit Dong Min for the weekend. In front of me sat Haitai, Ae Jung, Binggrae and Jin Yi Unnie. Behind me sat Appa, Omma, Oppa and Yoo Mi Unnie. And to my left sat Jin-ie Oppa. I looked around and spotted Misoo a couple of bleachers down, surrounded by some old Yonsei baseball alumni who were not playing in the game. She met my eyes and waved happily and I smiled back and returned her wave.

"Who's that?" Jin-ie Oppa asked, nodding his head at Misoo.

"The wife's wife," I answered. I chuckled at the puzzled expression on his face. "Joon's catcher's fiancée."

"Oh? The one you were jealous of at his cousin's wedding?" At my surprised expression he smiled. "Na Jeong-ah... Don't look so surprised. I've worked with Joon a long time. He tells me practically everything. I'm the only person he had whenever he was abroad. I've heard your name even from six years ago. I was the one who drove him back to the boarding house on New Year's Eve almost two years ago, remember?"

I nodded and looked at the field as the crowd erupted in a cheer. Korea University baseball players came out to some applauses and cheers and I heard the announcer speaking in the background.

"Tonight, we will uphold a long held rivalry between Yonsei University and Korea University. We have so many of their best and brightest on the field tonight, all of whom have played and some still play for the Major Leagues, here and abroad. Some of the names include Hee Seop Choi, Cho In Sung, Park Hae Jong, and of course, Kim Jae Joon. All baseball giants in their own right, back to where their futures were decided. Who will be the victor tonight? We all have to wait and see, but I do know one thing... It's a great night to watch baseball."

Butterflies fluttering inside me, I kept my hands together to keep them from shaking. I waited until I saw Joon make his way out onto the field before I allowed myself to breathe. I felt Omma's hand on my shoulder and I looked back to smile at her when I saw Appa, his gaze intent and focused on the field. It's funny because I never see this serious side of my father. I guess baseball knows that side better too. In Sung took his position on the home mound, adjusting his mask and body vest. I glanced at Misoo only to see her watching with pride.

I watched as Joon slowly walked to the pitcher's mound, his body practically strumming with tension and power. My breath caught as I saw him tip his hat three times, as he powdered his hand and grasped the ball twice. He grabbed his chain and kissed his ring. I know this routine. I've watched him do it many times before.

Something was different now, though, as I saw him scan the crowd. The only other time I saw him do this was before his game, in this field, in 1994. The first time I saw him play. Joon doesn't usually look around before it starts, he looks around after it has been won. Afraid of who he sees but maybe moreover afraid of who he won't see. Tonight, he looked around leisurely, acknowledging the crowd before the game even began. When he spotted everyone here for him, he looked surprised. But when his eyes met mine, there was no surprise there. Only certainty. Only love.

I heard the umpire blow his whistle to start the game and waited to see the intensity come into Joon's eyes. It happens now... The focus and determination will be all I see on Joon from now until the end of the game. Chilbong will take over. As I studied him more closely, I saw his eyes close, as if listening to something no one else can hear. When he opened them again, I saw the laser like focus and felt the intensity but no real tension, unlike every other time before.

I was still thinking about how different this was when the most amazing thing happened. Joon smiled.

## Yonsei University Baseball Stadium

## December 22, 2001

## 6:15 p.m.

## Jae Joon

I heard the faint sound of the announcer over the loudspeaker as I made my way onto the pitcher's mound.

"Let's do this!" I heard In Sung say from behind me before he patted my back. I looked at him to see him grinning broadly behind his mask and I nodded in response.

As I stood at the center of the field, I allowed myself to look at the sky, just beginning to darken and face the glare of the lights surrounding the stadium. I felt the slight breeze of wind on my face and the tickle of my hair underneath my cap on my neck. Prickles of tension were building up just underneath the surface of my skin and my heart pounded in anticipation even as I tried to coerce it to slow down.

I tipped my hat three times, in honour of the three coaches who guided me through my baseball career. I powdered my hands and grasped the ball twice, in honour of my Appa and Omma, who gave me life. And I lifted my chain to kiss my ring, for the woman who gave meaning to my existence.

I lifted my head and the noise of the crowd was deafening. For only the second time in my life I looked out at the audience slowly and saw that every space on the bleachers were filled. My eyes travelled the spectators, seeing some familiar faces. Na Jeong is here somewhere, I thought, as I searched for her face. The first faces I found were my cousin's and his wife's, next to Haitai and Ae Jung. Just a couple of bleachers up were Appa and Omma, along with Jung Gook Hyung and his girlfriend. I saw Samcheonpo, Yoon Jin and Jung Jin Hyung. I was surprised... None of them mentioned coming to my game when I spoke to them all during the week. My eyes drank them all in... It was the first time in my life that I had people who knew me and loved me present to see me play. But there... There in their midst, was my heart and my world. Na Jeong. Her eyes met mine and time stopped.

When the umpire blew his whistle, I looked away and closed my eyes. The world quieted down and I forced myself to focus on the steady beat of my heart. That was the only noise I heard, the only one I focused on, save for Na Jeong's voice in my memory.

"If you're going to do something, then do it... But do it out of love. You want to play baseball? Then play baseball... But not because you're afraid of being a nobody without it, but because you love it. You want to be with me? Do it because you love me, not because you're afraid of losing me. If you let love motivate and guide you, you will never lose, because you're already the victor in the only game that matters: Life. Joon-ah... Remember this, love is stronger than fear. It will always win."

Recalling her words in my mind, I let my shoulders relax and memories of sunny days outside playing baseball came back to me. Faces of people I've met and fans who have shaken my hand and chanted my name ran through my head. I remembered the feeling of being alive on the field and the acceptance it had shown me. I remembered the feel of victory and my accomplishments over the years. Baseball has given me a lot. Now is my time to honour that gift. For the first time in my life I did something I never did before a game started. I smiled.

Feeling the ground under the weight of my legs, I felt grounded and ready. I rotated through my hip to prepare for the throw, my arms bent at the elbow over my head. Steady, now. Controlled power is what I need. I saw the figure of the batter ahead of me but focused on In Sung's eyes and his mitt. I took a deep breath before I let the ball go and as soon as it flew out of my hand I knew the batter would not make contact. I watched as In Sung's mitt caught it, then as he fell back onto the ground. STRIKE! I heard from the umpire as if in slow motion, as the screen posted a speed of 102 mph. In Sung stood up and took his mask off with an incredulous look on his face, giving me a smile before he slipped it back on.

## Na Jeong

I watched with bated breath as Joon readied for his pitch. His body will hold up, I made sure of that since I designed his workout schedule based on the research I did online. His legs will support his throw, as will his back and his core. His arms will ensure that his pitch is controlled and accurate. With the rest of his body so strong his shoulders wouldn't have to work so hard.

My breath caught when the ball zoomed out of his hand and onto In Sung's mitt. The bat didn't even get to touch the ball as it was so fast. The crowd roared into cheers and whistles, even as In Sung got up from the ground and took his mask off. Appa and Jin-ie Oppa stood up to look at the speed he posted and Appa let out a breath as he sat back down. When he said 102 mph, everyone around him stood up to confirm. While everyone applauded and marvelled at the number on the board, I stayed sitting down, my eyes focused on the happiness and relief on Joon's face. My heart felt full and the tears fell from my eyes before I could even try to hold them back. He threw a second ball with the same precision as the first and struck out the second batter. When he threw the third, his pitch appeared consistent and showed no signs of slowing down. The announcer said 'Strike Out' over the loudspeakers and we watched as the teams changed sides.

"Na Jeong-ah... I think I need to watch this from down there," Jin-ie Oppa said next to me, darting his eyes to the group of reporters and spectators just outside the baseball pitch.

I nodded and smiled. He gave me a reassuring grin before walking off. It wasn't long after he vacated his seat that someone else came.

"Sorry I'm late. I couldn't find a seat," Omonim said as she sat down.

"Hello Omonim. You just missed the first round," I told her and she shook her head.

"I saw it," she responded. "I was here looking for somewhere to sit when it happened."

"He's amazing, right?" I said and she nodded, smiling.

"Eemo, you came?" Binggrae said from the bleachers in front of me.

Hearing that, I realized that Omonim hasn't met anyone else in Joon's life yet. I quickly introduced the gang and their partners, as well as Jung Gook Oppa and his girlfriend. I was about to introduce Omma and Appa when I noticed him staring at her with his mouth open and I had to stop myself from telling him to cut it out. I mean I can't blame him... I understand the feeling... I wanted to do the same when I first met her. Omma, to her credit, just kept on nudging Appa until he closed his mouth. Omma took the hand Omonim offered with both her hands and Appa did the same.

"I heard we're going to be in-laws," Omonim said drily and my parents laughed. I cowered back in my seat in embarrassment.

"It's looking like it," Omma said, smiling at me. "She told us she was marrying him over a year ago." She and Appa laughed at the memory and I wanted the ground to swallow me whole.

Omonim raised an eyebrow at me then said, "I suppose I should be glad you waited to tell me the same thing when you two were actually together?"

I gave her a sheepish smile and turned my attention back to the game. Fully cognizant of Joon's recent injury and wanting to give all the invited athletes equal opportunity to showcase why they were invited to play, he was pitching four of the ten innings, alternating with two other pitchers.

I volleyed between watching the game and watching Jin-ie Oppa as he navigated the public relations aspect of Joon's career. By the end of the seventh inning, it seemed that it was well and truly established that Kim Jae Joon was back on his game and that he was poised to make a big comeback into the Major Leagues. I watched as Jin-ie Oppa started out speaking to just one reporter to being flanked on all sides by people wanting to speak to him. When I looked at him and he gave me a thumb up, Omonim's eyes followed the direction of my gaze before speaking.

"That's Joon's manager, right?" She asked, staring at my face a little too closely.

"Yes."

"I recognize the journalists with their cameras, but who are the other men in suits down there?" She continued looking at me as I searched for an answer.

I'm not lying. I don't exactly know who those people are either. So I shrugged my shoulders even as I recalled the conversation I had with Jin-ie Oppa two weeks before.

December 7, 2001

"Jin-ie Oppa," I said as I stood up and embraced him. "Thanks for meeting with me."

"Sure thing," he said as he sat down and motioned for a cup of coffee. He leaned back into his seat and I was struck by how good-looking he was. He looked happy, too.

"Things going well with your lady?" I asked him and watched a smile spread on his face. I have to hand it to him... He tried to stop it but he was unsuccessful. I was glad. He deserved to be happy too.

"Yeah, it's good. Really good. She's amazing," he finally said before looking at me closely. "What's up?"

He looked up to thank the server who brought his coffee as I pulled my notebook out of my purse and laid it on the table before sliding it over to him. "What's this?"

"I bought a speedometer. That's the log I've been keeping of Joon's pitching speeds starting from a few weeks ago."

"Yeah, Joon mentioned that he's pitching again," he said casually as he perused the numbers. His eyes narrowed when he saw the latter part of the list.

I cleared my throat before I spoke again. "Yonsei and Korea University are having a friendly charity game on the 22nd. Joon's going to be pitching. I... Uhmm... I wondered if you can make a few phone calls. I know you're not his manager anymore and I would do it myself, but..."

"I'll do it. I know there are scouts still wanting to find out if he's received any kind of treatment," he said, still looking at the notebook. "Does Joon know you're here?"

I shook my head no. "I don't want him feeling pressured. I would rather he not know they're there when he plays either." I fiddled with the phone charm that Joon gave me, now hanging over the buckle on my purse.

"Na Jeong-ah..." Jin-ie Oppa said and I raised my eyes to his questioningly. "It probably doesn't need to be said but I will say it anyway. You realize that if Joon gets scouted abroad, he will more than likely go back, right? You know him. His pride won't let him make the kind of exit he made with the injury. He'll feel like he has something to prove."

I nodded my head. "Yes," I said, looking directly into his. "I know that."

"But... You could have just kept this to yourself and had it all finally. Without as many options he would stay and you two can get your lives started. I thought you wanted him in Korea?"

"I want Joon happy. That's what I want. If it means that he has to go back there and settle some unfinished business, whether it be for pride or redemption or whatever else, then so be it," I answered. "The last few months have taught me that Joon and I... We can get through anything. Regardless of wherever he is, we will be together. Whether now or later, we will have our future. So if that's what he has to do, then I am behind him 100 percent."

Jin-ie Oppa looked at me silently for a few minutes over his cup. "I will do as you asked."

I smiled at him and he smiled back. "Thank you."

The umpire's whistle brought me back to the present. "Omonim, I don't know who they are," I finally responded, my voice strained. She narrowed her eyes at me but didn't press to elaborate. I kept my eyes on the field as the game went on, fully aware that those people down there could very well be the ones who will take Joon away from me again. But if he's happy then I'm happy, I reminded myself. Forever can wait.

## Jae Joon

By the time the last inning started the score was 3-2, with Yonsei leading. With one more round to go, it looked like we were going to win. Even if the opposing pitcher threw a perfect round, we would still be leading by one homerun. My job is done.

From the dugout, I stood up and looked out to where Na Jeong sat and spotted her laughing at something someone said. I looked at who she was speaking to and was surprised to see my Omma talking animatedly as Omma and Appa listened as well. My Omma had her hand affectionately on Na Jeong's arm and I smiled and wondered what they could be possibly laughing about. Me, probably, but I didn't mind. They can all make fun of me if that meant keeping a smile on Na Jeong's face.

In Sung joined me where I stood, as he watched the leadoff batter take his position before letting his eyes wander to where I was looking. With him batting eighth it's unlikely that he will even be hitting tonight. I saw as Misoo waved at us and he gave a wave back.

"Na Jeong's here, right? Is she here alone?" He asked.

"Na Jeong's here. But not alone," I responded. "All of our friends are here and her parents."

"Who is that beautiful woman sitting next to her?" In Sung asked, awe in his voice.

"Yah... Close your mouth. That's my Omma."

"Your Omma doesn't go to your baseball games Joon," he reminded me. "Isn't that your claim to fame?"

I blinked at him. "She did today." He laughed and patted my back.

"You did well. Better than I thought you would," he said, looking at me closely. "There are a lot of reporters here... You'll get the exposure you need to gain some momentum with the American teams, if that's what you want to do."

"Yeah I know." My thoughts strayed to how Na Jeong will react should I have to go back to America. I have no doubt that she will take it like she has everything else. She might actually do better than I will. "We'll cross that bridge if we get there."

"Well, looking at your manager working the ropes, I think that you'll have to cross that bridge sooner than you're ready. We're still going out after, right?" I nodded and he smiled at me before taking his seat back next to the other players.

I watched as the game came to a close and we all ran out into the field to celebrate. I shook hands with the opposing players as the Yonsei players all took bows in front of the crowd. Before I could even celebrate properly, I was surrounded by reporters asking me questions. I tried to look for Jin-ie Oppa to try to divert them, but I saw him speaking to a couple of men in suits. I don't really want to be answering questions without my manager there. It then hit me that he was no longer my manager... Yeah I will have to rectify that soon. Even as I was barraged with questions, my eyes continued to drift to the bleachers, where I knew Na Jeong stood.

## Na Jeong

As soon as the game ended, I stood up, ready to find Joon and tell him how proud I am of him. I saw him being surrounded by reporters and waited for a few minutes, wanting to give him some time to get these interviews done. Waiting for him to savour his time in the spotlight. He deserved this. He's paid his dues.

"Na Jeong-ah, we're going to hail a cab to the restaurant. Song Jook Heon, right? Across the street from Changdeok Palace?" Yoon Jin asked as Samcheonpo, Haitai and Ae Jung stood behind her. I nodded. "Do you want to come with us? Is Chilbong going to take a long time?"

"Uhmm, I'm not sure yet. I'm sure he'll be done soon. If not, I can catch a cab myself later," I responded as I saw Appa, Omma and Omonim talking. Turning back to Yoon Jin, I reassured her I will be fine before I sent her off. Walking towards our parents, I got there just in time to hear Omma say that they had to go home because the neighbour is watching Sook Sook.

"Omonim, do you want to come with us?" I asked her. "I'm sure Joon would love to see you."

"I can't," she said. "My husband is expecting me home. Tell Joon to call me, though, okay?"

"Sure," I said. I bid Omma and Appa good night and though Appa grumbled about me staying the night at Joon's apartment, he quieted when Omma nudged him.

When I walked back to the bleachers, Joon still stood in the center of the crowd, his eyes looking out to where I stood. I knew he would be looking for me. When our eyes met, he excused himself and walked towards me, his strides sure and purposeful. I started walking down the bleachers and met him halfway.

As soon as I reached the last bleacher, he ran towards me and wrapped his arms around my waist, lifting me up in the air. My arms snaked around his neck and he buried his head on my shoulder. When he lifted his head, his eyes looked into my eyes and he pressed his forehead to mine.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey back," I responded and he pressed a soft kiss on my lips as I breathed him in. His arms supported my back even he smiled against my lips. "Joon-ah, you did it. You really did it."

"We did it. I couldn't have done this without you."

"Jagiya... There are a bunch of people staring at you right now," I said. "Do you think they can see my face?"

He chuckled and said, "I don't care." He put me down on the ground before he continued. "But I should. At least until you're my wife." Blocking their view he led me by the hand to the back of the bleachers just outside the stadium. "I have to change out of my uniform, but I'll only be a few minutes. You'll wait for me?"

Forever. I'll wait forever if I have to. "Of course." His mouth descended on mine again, his thumb brushing my cheek and I wondered how long we will have to be apart again. My tongue sought his out and as I opened my eyes I saw him watching me. Our lips clashed and our tongues danced together, in the shadow of the stadium. His teeth nipped my bottom lip even as I pulled away. "Come back soon."

I looked at him through a thin haze of desire and he nodded at me. I watched him walk towards the locker room. While I waited I walked back into the stadium and sat myself down on a bleacher. Misoo spotted me and walked towards me. She sat herself down next to me before she spoke.

"I never thought the day would come when I will see Chilbong and In Sung play again," she said.

"Yeah... Me neither. It's been a long time," I responded. "But they play like they've never been apart. I forget sometimes, how well they play together... I mean even now I have only ever seen them play at a game twice."

"Once, Na Jeong-ah," she said. "I saw you when you came to Chilbong's game. He was so giddy after."

"Nope... He told me I was his lucky charm and talked me into seeing another game. I don't think he knows, though." I blew a breath out and put his gloves on. Winter is here again already. When I looked at her she appeared surprised. "What?" She merely smiled at me.

"Did you know that the first night Chilbong kissed you, he was punished for so long afterwards?" Misoo said, chuckling. "Coach was so upset that he actually lied and missed practice... Said his Omma was getting married, when she had just gotten married."

Huh? Joon first kissed me on New Year's Eve... In Samcheonpo's hometown. I frowned and looked at her but before I could ask her what she's talking about, she kept talking. "Don't get mad at him, okay? And don't tell him that you know. He told In Sung, who then told me. He said you were playing some sort of drinking game and the bottle landed on you. He's such a girl sometimes. "

I searched my mind for the memory and tried to find it but I couldn't.

"It's kind of crazy looking at him now, to believe he was Chilbong years ago. He's so confident and poised these days. Even when he's falling apart," she commented then looked at me again. "I know how hard it must have been for you, when he got injured... I went through the same thing with In Sung years ago."

"Yeah... It was hard."

"But you made it through stronger, just like we did." She paused and took a deep breath. "Na Jeong-ssi, In Sung mentioned that Joon might go back abroad if he got any international offers?"

"Yes. It's very likely. " A lump formed in my throat as I nodded. "I think... I think it's what will make him happy."

"You make him happy, too, Na Jeong-ssi. In Sung may think that way but if you ask Chilbong, I think he'll stay."

I stayed silent, not knowing how to respond. Joon and make each other happy but I won't ask him to sacrifice his dream for me. Not when the battle to reclaim it was fought so hard and was so painful. Joon will make whatever decision he thinks is best. And I will trust him because that's what it means to love someone. To allow them to stay themselves. To allow them to fly.

Misoo sat with me as we waited for Joon and In Sung. When they finally came back out, Joon took my hand in his and we walked behind them to the parking lot. I listened as Misoo and In Sung talked about their wedding and looking for a house. I wondered what it must be like to have your future so close. I envied that. Feeling the weight of Joon's grasp I turned to him and looked at his face in profile, looking ahead, his chin up. I know the heart and mind that lies behind that handsome face.

Time is relative. He's worth it. He will always be worth it.

## Song Jook Heon

## 9:15 p.m.

## Jae Joon

I looked around and smiled as I watched all of our friends laughed and joked around the table. Taking a bite of the abalone with ginkgo berries, I listened vaguely as Misoo and Yoon Jin spoke about weddings. To my left, In Sung and Haitai were talking about sports. Na Jeong was eating some steamed pork and chatting with Jin Yi Noona and Ae Jung. Jung Gook Hyung, Yoo Mi Noona and Binggrae were talking about medicine.

The table was set with about 30 traditional Korean dishes, and we were all sitting on the floor. I took a shot of soju and felt Na Jeong's eyes on me.

"You okay?" She asked.

"Yes," I responded. "I'm happy."

To my surprise, I realized that I am, indeed, happy. And have been for a while. Tonight was just the icing on the cake. The happiness I felt from the victory doesn't even equate to the happiness from being able to prove to myself that I can do it, or the happiness I feel now being surrounded by Na Jeong and our friends.

My phone rang and keeping my right arm around Na Jeong's shoulder, picked it up when I saw that it was Jung Jin Hyung.

"Hyung?" I asked. "Why aren't you here? I thought you told Na Jeong you'd be coming out for dinner." He responded, but due to the noise and conversation around me, I couldn't hear him so I got up to take the call outside. "Hyung, hang on... I can't hear you."

I stepped out of the dining room and out of the entrance before I spoke again. I looked up at the traditional arch that marked the restaurant's location and reminded myself to come here again when Hyung's voice came through the line.

"Joon-ah, are you listening to me?" He demanded.

"Hyung, I couldn't hear you before, but I'm outside now. Why aren't you here?"

"I've just spent the last two hours talking to the scouts who flew all the way from America to watch you play and trying to divert some attention from the little demonstration you and Na Jeong did at the stadium. Shouldn't you be more careful? You know once they have a picture of her face they'll never leave her alone."

"Yeah I know. I wasn't thinking," I answered before his words actually registered in my brain. "Hyung... American scouts? How did they know that I was playing?"

"I called them, but listen..."

"Hyung, you didn't even know that I was playing. I didn't tell you."

"I read about it in the paper but Joon-ah..."

"It wasn't written in the paper. The reporters that were there were by invitation only..." He's hedging the question and I wasn't quite sure why.

"That doesn't matter. The important thing is that I've already received some emails of interest from three American teams. We'll need to move quickly if you want to play in the upcoming season."

"I'm not really sure..." I started before he interrupted me.

"Dammit Joon-ah... This was all you wanted. Now is not the time for dawdling around. Especially after Na Jeong asked that I make some phone calls..."

"What do you mean Na Jeong asked you to make some calls?" I asked. When did she even have time to do that?

"Your Na Jeong-ie has been taking notes on how well your physical therapy was progressing and showed me her log. Don't you think you owe it to her and yourself to see where this will take you? This was your dream... And now it's back. People don't get many opportunities like this, Joon-ah."

"What do I need to do?" I asked quietly.

"We can get away with communicating with the other teams via phone and online. But the Giants... We probably need to meet with them in person. So that means flying back to San Francisco. I'll email them tonight and find out when they can meet with you. Do you want me to call you before I book the flights?"

"Hyung... Just book it and let me know when we're flying out," I answered. It's only a meeting. The season doesn't start for a few more months.

"I'll call you tomorrow."

He hung up the phone and I stood there for a few minutes staring at my phone... Wondering how it was possible that things can change so quickly. Na Jeong asked him to make some phone calls. Why the hell would she do that without telling me?

As I walked back into the dining room I allowed myself to watch her as she spoke to our friends, her face expressive and her hands moving in front of her and I had to smile. Her hair was piled high on top of her head in a bun, exposing the graceful curve of her neck. As if she felt my eyes on her, she turned her head over her shoulder slowly to where I stood and met my gaze, her mouth caught in a smile.

My eyes fastened on hers, I recognized the racing of my heart as love coursed through me. I looked at her intently and when I didn't return her smile, she raised an eyebrow in question. Emotion flooded my veins as I looked at her and I stalked over to the table and handed Binggrae my card.

"Na Jeong and I are leaving," I said as she looked at me in confusion. "You can use this to pay."

"What happened?" Samcheonpo asked. "Is there an emergency?"

"No," I responded. "We just need to leave."

"Joon-ah... What's wrong?" Na Jeong asked.

"We need to talk," I said, my tone sounding curt and abrupt. When I saw her about to protest I said, "Jung Jin Hyung just called me."

Her face paled and she got up from the table and quickly collected her purse and her coat. Jung Gook Hyung looked at us in concern and Yoon Jin stood up.

"Na Jeong-ah, call me later, okay?" She said and Na Jeong nodded her head.

We walked to the car in silence and I drove us to my apartment where we can talk in private.

## Na Jeong

Am I in trouble? I dart my eyes towards Joon as he gripped the steering wheel, eyes firmly fixed on the road. He hasn't said a word since dinner. Not entirely sure how to read him, I didn't know whether to be nervous or to get angry. How do I prepare a rebuttal when I don't know what the offensive approach is?

He parked the car and opened the passenger car door. He held his hand out, palm up and puzzled, I took it. He didn't say anything as we walked up to his apartment and as soon as we entered the apartment I sat myself down at the kitchen table to prepare myself for the talk.

"Do you want something to drink?" He asked. "Coffee, tea, wine? I think we still have half a bottle in here somewhere..."

"Joon-ah... Are you going to tell me what this is about?"

I watched as he stood against the counter facing me. His expression neutral, he looked like he was thinking before he spoke.

"Did you ask Jung Jin Hyung to get in contact with the scouts from the American teams?"

"Yes." Just because I didn't tell him doesn't mean I lied. So I have nothing to feel guilty about.

"Why would you do that?" Not why would you do that without telling me, but why would you do that.

"Because I love you. And you love playing baseball," I said.

"You didn't think I would call Hyung myself?"

"No. If you wanted to do that you would have done it. You're a proud man, Joon. I know that... There really was no other..."

"You're right," he said quietly.

"... Way around... What?"

I frowned at him when I saw a smile spread on his face. So he's not angry? I'm confused and a little thrown off.

"You're right. Thank you."

He walked over to the table and pulled a chair out before placing it perpendicular from me. He sat down next to me and intertwined his legs with mine. His right hand landed on the top of my thigh even as his left started drawing circles on my back of my hand.

"How is it... That you understand me better than I understand myself?" He asked, his eyes intent on my face. He brushed a stray piece of hair from my face, his fingers lingering over my brow and I swallowed. His thumb brushed over my cheek before moving down to my mouth.

The way he was watching me was direct, no awkwardness or avoidance. It was disconcerting, having those eyes looking at me that way. Joon oozed confidence, as if he was just confirming something he's known all along.

"Jagiya," I said nervously as he rubbed his thumb on my lips. "We've known each other for almost eight years..." The hand that was on my thigh started traveling up towards my waist and settled right on the underside of my breast. His eyes were watching my lips as I spoke and finding it hard to breathe, I felt my tongue dart out to wet them. "... And we've been together for a year. If I don't know you, who does? If I don't try to understand you, then who would?"

"Let's go." He took a deep breath and stood up. My knees feeling a bit like jelly, I lifted myself off the chair and he wrapped a steadying arm around my waist.

"Where... Where are we going?" Is it possible to meet another version of a man you've been in love with for years? Because that's what I'm feeling right about now.

"I want to show you how thankful I am. That you're you. That you love me." He said this with his face an inch away from mine. Not really knowing where we are going with this, my heart racing in my chest.

"Can't you do that right here?" I asked, my throat parched dry.

"I could... But it won't be anywhere near as comfortable. Let me show you, Sung Na Jeong... How much I love you." He said my name so tenderly, the husky timbre on his voice shooting sparks right through me. I felt lightheaded and out of breath, as if I had been running in place.

Feeling shaky, I could only nod and he bent down to kiss me, his mouth insistent and persuasive. Power and control vibrated off of him... Such a contrast to how he's ever been in the past. This version of Joon knew exactly who he was and where his place was in the world. It was thrilling and nerve-racking at the same time.

Strong hands pressed into my waist and he pulled me close to him, and his arousal pressed into my stomach. I felt his deft fingers unbuttoning my coat and dropping it onto the ground. A warm hand lifted the hem of my shirt and I trembled when I felt contact on my abdomen. He pressed himself closer to me and I moaned into his mouth. His tongue met mine possessively as his hand caressed my collarbone before he placed it on my neck. I felt a nip on my lower lip before his lips moved lower. I felt his mouth suck and lick at my neck and I grabbed the hem of his shirt to... Take. It. Off. He pulled away long enough and I watched him slip it off, his broad chest coming into view. I ran my exploring hands over his chest, my eyes gobbling up the view. He watched me as I looked at him and I saw his abdomen tighten.

Before I could even say anything, his mouth was on mine again, one hand on the back of my head. I grab his cap and throw it on the floor, just like he did on the night everything changed and heard him groan against my mouth when I ran my fingers through his thick hair. I felt his hands move to my buttocks and he lifted me up, my legs instinctively wrapped around his waist. His mouth continued to move on mine, lips sucking on my tongue. Heady with passion I didn't even notice when he took a hand off my bottom to turn a room handle and used a foot to kick it open.

I opened my eyes in confusion when he tugged his mouth off of mine and let me down, my whole front rubbing against his body as I tried to land on my feet. He went behind me then, his hands on either side of my shoulders, as his lips went onto the curve of my neck. I was about to close my eyes again, lost in sensation, when I heard his voice.

"Open your eyes, Na Jeong-ah," he whispered in my ear and I opened them slowly. "Look in front of you." I followed his command and saw that the mirror that was previously standing to the side in the room has now been fastened on the front of the closet. The glow from the lamp brought a subtle glow to the room, bathing it in soft light. I felt like I was in a haze and everything felt surreal with nothing but Joon's touch keeping me grounded. Though I felt like I should look away, I didn't and my eyes fixed on his hands as they wrapped on my waist.

"Do you see, jagiya, what I see when I look at you?" I heard him whisper into my ear. "Do you see how beautiful you are?" I felt his fingers on my head, loosening the rubber band that held my bun in place. I felt my hair tumble down on my shoulders, even as he worked to shake the strands loose. I felt prickles of sensation everywhere and I trembled as I stood there watching us on the mirror.

"Do you know why I love you?" He continued before standing in front of me. His pulse jumping on his neck, he brought my hand to his lips. "My beautiful Na Jeong-ie... I would willingly give my last breath for one taste of you." He kissed my collarbone, his lips lingering at the exposed skin. His mouth travelled down to kiss my abdomen and I watched the image of his dark head on the mirror as he went lower and lower still. His hands grabbed the hem of my shirt and I watched as he lifted it off me, exposing me in a lacy black bra. I looked different in the mirror, my skin glowing and my face flushed in passion.

"I love you," he said against my abdomen, "because you make me feel alive. You make my life worth living." I looked down to see his eyes gazing intently at my face. Desire and love mingled in my body and I could taste the anticipation and excitement in my mouth. His fingers unclasped my bra, and I instinctively tried to cover myself up when it fell. I felt him chuckling against me before he spoke again.

"Don't cover yourself up, Na Jeong-ah..." I heard his voice whisper. "Every inch of you is beautiful. Every single damn inch. So beautiful. All the places I've been and all the people I have met, and still I have never seen anyone or anything lovelier." He took my hands off my breasts and embarrassed, I tried to close my eyes when I realized that my nipples were hard. As if knowing where my eyes were, he brought his calloused hand up to cup one of my breasts as his head moved to the other. I looked down and watched his tongue move over my hardened nipple and his lips wrapped around it. I closed my eyes as I felt him suck even as his other hand squeezed the other. My legs felt so shaky I thought they were going to give out on me. After he's had his fill of one he leisurely moved to the other, taking his sweet time and driving me crazy. When I felt his mouth on my abdomen his hands went to my hips and his fingers moved down to take off my socks before unbuttoning my jeans.

Working it down my hips, I watched as his fingers touched every inch of skin he exposed. I stood there in front of the mirror with just my underwear on and wondered how it was that I didn't feel more self-conscious. Then it hit me that I knew why. Because with Joon I always felt powerful and beautiful. I saw myself through his eyes and the woman I saw there was incredible and perfect. Feeling emboldened, I took my panties off and continued to stand, fully naked in front of him. The back of my legs hit the bed and I sat down. Joon reached under me to pull me more towards the edge and before I could ask him what he was doing, he had already dropped to his knees between my legs and was staring intently at what was before him like a starving man. I felt hands grab the back of my knees as he lifted them to his shoulders and his mouth moved to kiss and lick my core. I watched our reflection on the mirror as I felt his fingers spread me and his tongue darted out to lick the swollen bud. At the contact I clutched at his head, my eyes taking in the image even as his mouth continued to move against me. His teeth nipped at it before licking it gently. I felt a warm breath over it before he inserted a finger inside me even as he continued to lap and nibble. My hips moved to their own accord and I heard him say, "You taste delicious. I just could never get enough of this taste." His words, delivered in that husky voice, turned me on even more and I whispered his name huskily as I felt him guide a second finger into me. He moved them slowly, watching me as I looked at him, his eyes never breaking our gaze and that, coupled with the view from the mirror, made me feel desperate and wanton. The pleasure building up, I could only watch as he coaxed my body into release, my shoulders shaking as I cried out his name over and over again.

He continued kiss my core gently, even as my climax subsided. When at last he lifted himself off me, I looked into his eyes and the intensity still burned. Our gazes never breaking I watched as he took off the rest of his clothes and pressed himself over me.

He slid me higher on the bed, so that my whole back was safely supported. Our bodies touched from chest to legs, and he brushed my hair from one shoulder to the side as he leaned his weight over one elbow. His eyes travelled over my face before staying fixed on my eyes. I didn't know why but I felt tears gather as I took in the way he looked at me.

"Joon-ah," I said, my voice choking. "I love you so much."

He started kissing my face then, my forehead and my eyes. My nose and my cheeks... My ears and my chin. He was whispering something so softly but it wasn't until he was back on my mouth that I heard what it was. 'I love you.' After every kiss on my face he had been whispering 'I love you". Overcome with emotions, I watched as his lips landed on mine and I wrapped my arms around his neck, feeling the weight of his body on me. His heart raced against my chest as I tasted myself on his tongue and his hands went under me to try to narrow the gap between us. I felt his arousal pressing on me, and I wanted him closer... Closer... From under him I lifted both legs and raised my pelvis to wrap them around his waist. Impatient and no longer willing to wait I gave his lip a nip before putting a hand between us and stroking his arousal. I watched as his eyes closed and he moaned my name, his hips moving against my hand. I slipped him inside me and his eyes opened when he realized what I had done.

"Mine," I said, as I pushed my hips towards his. "You're mine. Mine."

He nodded and lifted himself slightly off of me and he started thrusting his hips. He pulled out halfway before sliding himself back in, until I felt like we were no longer two people but one. He rotated his hips and I felt him all around, even as his mouth continued to kiss my neck. He thrust in an even pace, as if we had forever. My hands caressed his strong back and lingered on his taut buttocks, willing him to speed up, but he wouldn't give in. When his mouth took my nipple and sucked I had to close my eyes the sensation was so intense. And still he kept moving between my legs slowly. I could feel the tension, my peak building up low in my abdomen. I need him. Deeper. Closer. Faster.

"Joon-ah..." I pleaded. He lifted his face from my breast and kissed my mouth. His eyes looked at me questioningly. "Please..."

"Jagiya," he whispered against my mouth. "Please what?" The whole time his hips never stopped moving and I felt like I was about to shatter.

"I want to see... I want to see you as you're inside me," I said hurriedly.

"Na Jeong-ah... Are you sure?" He asked, his breath warm.

I nodded and he lifted me from the bed before laying me down on my stomach on the other end. If I lift my head up I can see my face. How are we going to do this? I thought. I watched on the mirror as Joon joined me, our legs touching, his mouth planting little kisses down my spine. His fingers travelled the path his lips took and just when I was about to complain about him teasing me, he brought a hand to my abdomen, lifted my hips upwards and slid inside me. Oh... Oh... I wanted deeper and this was definitely deeper.

I looked in the mirror and saw that he was on his knees behind me, and I lifted myself higher up to get some leverage. His hands stayed around my waist as he continued to thrust and I felt my climax building up once more. More intensely. He brought a hand up to move the hair that has slipped forward back and felt him reach in front of me to caress my breasts even as he sped up. I moaned low in my throat as I felt him everywhere. Sensations of coiling and uncoiling, rising and rising. My body no longer feeling like my own, his name was on my lips as the knot inside me burst... My climax tore through me and I met his eyes on the mirror. Even with my body trembling in surrender, I watched him as he groaned out my name before he was overtaken by his own release.

Our eyes stayed connected in our reflection. Even as our bodies stayed connected. And it was a beautiful sight. Wow. This mirror. I will never look at a mirror the same way again. I wondered if something was wrong with me that I didn't feel embarrassed and was still pondering this issue when Joon pulled out of me and laid down next to me instead. Lifting myself on one elbow I looked at his face and saw that he was smiling.

"Jagiya," he said. "You are going to kill me one of these days."

"Nope... YOU are going to kill me one of these days. That was amazing."

He gave me a lopsided grin and I laid my head down on his chest. He pulled the cover from underneath us and covered us both up in our own cocoon. We stayed in silence for a few minutes, our hearts slowing down together. I kept my hand on his chest while his fingers were on my back. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to rest a little... It's been a long day. Just as I felt myself nodding off I heard his voice, quiet and strong.

"Na Jeong-ah..."

"Hmmm?" I responded, my eyes already filling with tears, already knowing what he's about to say. I willed them to stay shut even as I waited for him to continue.

"I'll have to go back... To America."

At that, my eyes shot open and I let the tears fall. Dammit. This is the problem when you love someone so much. All selfishness flies out the window. I wasn't sure what to say and I debated whether I should just pretend that I didn't hear him say it. But pretending it wasn't said doesn't make it less real. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I uttered the two words that I realized would bring us both peace.

"I know."

## San Francisco, California

## December 24, 2001

## 3:00 a.m.

## Jae Joon

After tossing and turning for a few hours, I just contented myself with lying down on the bed. The last few days have been hectic, with me and Jung Jin Hyung leaving first thing yesterday morning, barely giving me a chance to properly say goodbye to Na Jeong. I remembered the resignation in her voice when she acknowledged the certainty that I might have to go back... But I heard the love too. She knew that I would have regretted it had I not been given that chance. She knew even without my telling her that this was the opportunity I was waiting for. Her selflessness overwhelms me. Seeing how she takes everything in stride inspires me to be stronger. Hyung's right... I owe it to myself and her to see how far this can take me.

It's just a meeting, I reminded myself, I will be back in Korea in a few days and Na Jeong and I can decide our future together.

The alarm in my phone rang and surprised I looked to see what it was alerting me to. It's the 24th in Korea. Appa's birthday. I wondered briefly if I should even make the phone call. He probably wouldn't even notice if I didn't. Filial duty won over pride and reluctantly I picked up the phone to make my dreaded once a year call to my father.

I hoped that the call would go unanswered until I remembered that Appa still to this day refused to have a voicemail set up. I'll give it until the fourth ring and then I'm hanging up, I told myself. The phone rang for the third time and I was getting ready to hang up when I heard my Appa's voice on the other end of the line.

"Hello?"

"Appa... It's Joon. I don't want to take too much of your time, but I know you go to bed early to get up for the farm... So I wanted to wish you a happy birthday."

"Thank you, Joon-ah..."

"Appa I still have to sleep so..."

"Your Omma called me a few days ago... She said that she saw you play and that you did well." I heard him pause before he clear his throat. "I'm proud of you."

"Appa are you okay?" He's never told me he was proud of me before.

"Did you know your Omma hasn't called me since the day she left?" He asked. "I couldn't believe she would call me after almost twenty years just to tell me that..." Not knowing if that was a rhetorical question, I just chose to stay silent. "Ahh... Are you still there? I wish I could have seen you play... But no one told me you've even recovered... I haven't seen you play since you were in high school..."

What? "Appa, you never saw me play." Even as I spoke I remembered the pictures in my mother's scrapbook and her voice telling me that Appa has sent her those over the years.

"I used to go to your games, in the beginning... I was always late... It's impossible to get out of work on time. The business was just starting. But you never seemed to notice, so I stopped staying for the whole game... You always did your own thing... You didn't need me anymore..."

"Appa," I said, my voice strained. "Is something wrong?"

"Don't mind me... Appa is just getting old. The older I get, the more I seem to think back on the past. Joon-ah... You're happy though, right? Your Omma said you have a nice girl... Make sure you treat her well, which I know you will... You were always a good boy growing up..."

Tears filled my eyes as confusion took over. Why is he saying this stuff? Why now? Is something wrong?

"Learn from Appa, okay? Don't waste any minute to show her how much you love her... Every moment is an opportunity to tell her. Not with money and not with stuff, but your heart... A good woman will understand that. I wish someone told me that when I was younger." He paused and took a deep breath before continuing. "I wasn't thinking when I made those calls... To my old company friends and to that baseball team... Do you ever just do or say anything that you don't actually think about first?" Yes, I do. I guess it runs in the family. "I had a feeling it would make you angry... Appa's sorry... I... I was just trying to help. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, Appa, I know..." Is he lonely? I suddenly pictured my father in his house alone, in the country somewhere and despite not wanting it, my heart clamped inside my chest. I haven't even seen him in a few years. Not since he moved. Has he... Has he aged now? Will his face be wrinkled when I see him? The thought brought a lump to my throat and I fought to tamp down my emotions. "Appa... You should find yourself a good woman, too. You should re-marry... Just like Omma has."

"That's the curse of the men in our family. We seemed to only ever love one woman all our lives... Your Omma... Your Omma was the only one for me. There will be no other... That's why it was so hard when she left... But I forgot that she didn't just leave me... She left you too... And I wasn't as good a father as I should have been, but I worked hard... I had my boy to think about. But then my boy left too... And it felt like I was alone all over again..."

"Appa... I was just going to university... I wasn't leaving you."

"With your talent, I knew that once you left home, you were gone for good. It was okay... And I was right. First Japan... And now America... I wish though that one day you will be in Korea long enough so that I can actually see you again... I really want to see my boy again and tell him how much I've missed his face."

The tears fell from my eyes then as I struggled to find the words to say. "As soon as I'm able to take time off here, Appa, I'll come see you."

"That's good," I heard him say. "That's good... And bring your girlfriend along. I want to meet the girl that your Omma mentioned."

"Appa... Her name is Na Jeong... Sung Na Jeong. You'd like her. She's a bit like Omma."

"Oh... You're in trouble then... Those kinds of women are a lot of work."

I managed to chuckle along with my father even as the tears fell. By the time I hung up the phone I wished I could teleport back to Korea and see Appa's face. I always thought it was just Na Jeong I was leaving behind in Korea but it seems that I was wrong. I was leaving them, too. And right now I wasn't quite sure if that was a good or bad thing.

## December 24, 2001

## 9:00 a.m.

## Joon

The team manager, Dusty Baker, was already sitting at the conference table, along with the team lawyer when Jung Jin Hyung and I entered. They were both wearing suits and thankfully I listened to Hyung and wore one too. I had complained that it all seemed so formal but he said that we needed to be taken seriously if we were negotiating. That brought to mind the night that Na Jeong came to my apartment before I left the last time, her in her white suit looking so determined as she sat and negotiated, relaxed me instantly. It worked for her, so I'm hoping it works for me too. The door opened and the Giants' coach entered the conference room. A smile came upon his face when he saw me.

"JJ, it's good to see you again," Dave Righetti, the pitching coach, said as he held out a hand. I shook it before he turned his attention to Jung Jin Hyung. "Mr. Lee, you too." They exchanged a handshake and we sat down. Before long, one of the secretaries came in and brought coffee for each of us.

I looked behind them to see Pacific Bell Park through the windows. It's another beautiful day in San Francisco and I wondered what Na Jeong was doing. I'm sure she'd be going out tomorrow with the gang. Either that or staying in with the family. Maybe she and Sook Sook will...

"JJ... Let's cut to the chase. It's Christmas Eve here and we would like to spend some time with our families too. We heard about the game you just played a few days ago. We would like to renegotiate your contract."

"There is no contract," Jung Jin Hyung said smoothly, putting his coffee cup down. "As of September, Jae Joon became a free agent."

"That's what we wanted to talk about," the manager said. "We've come up with a contract that we think would make the Giants the most attractive option for JJ." His lawyer placed a folder on the table and he slid it over for us to look at.

Jung Jin Hyung opened the folder and looked at what the contract said before handing it to me. After scanning the paperwork, we exchanged glances. USD 5 million for 2 years.

"We know that it's a good contract and of course it will be contingent on JJ staying here until the season starts so we can take over his physical therapy and do some conditioning. We also need him examined by the team physician to make sure everything is okay."

"You do realize that he's received several offers from other teams as well," Hyung said. "Their offers are not as generous as yours... But the Oakland As are paying for his housing and the Mets told him they can get him a permanent visa."

I watched as the manager and the lawyer spoke quietly before he turned around back to us. "That can also be arranged."

"Can you give us a minute to discuss this?" I asked with a smile. The men nodded and left the room. Once the door was safely closed, I turned to Hyung to see him studying me. "Hyung... What do you think?"

"It doesn't matter what I think but what you think. I just wanted to make sure the options that you had were the best possible ones... That's my job. To make sure you're taken care of. If you take their offer, you're pretty much set for life. You'll come back to Korea having made the best comeback. And you know I will have no problem staying in San Francisco. But at the end of the day, it's your choice."

I sat back and looked out the windows as I thought about everything... The years I spent working to get here, the past few months, the last few days, the phone call from this morning and Na Jeong.

This will ensure our future. This will be our future. Jung Jin Hyung watched me for a few minutes before he spoke.

"Joon-ah, have you made a decision?" He asked.

"Yes."

My mind made up, I sat back on the chair as I flip through the contract waiting for the men to return. It's time to take control of my destiny. I just hope Na Jeong understands.

## December 31, 2001

## 6:45 p.m.

## Na Jeong

I rubbed my gloved hands together as I waited for the gang to show up. With Joon away we all made plans to meet up after talking them into abandoning their New Year's Eve plans to help me win some Lee Sang Min season tickets. They all tried to get out of it, but I reminded all of them of their broken promise from two years ago, as well as the "my-boyfriend-is-in-America-you-can't-possibly-leave-me-by-myself-on-New-Year's-Eve-what-kind-of-friends-are-you" card and they gave in.

I looked at the printout of the email from Lee Sang Min's official fan club and hoped that not a lot of people will show up. Maybe they wouldn't even have read it. I received the email invitation three days ago, so I'm sure that people already had plans. Except for me. Besides, even if I did I would have given it up for this opportunity. I know my priorities.

WIN LEE SANG MIN SEASON TICKETS!

When: New Year's Eve

Where: Seocho-gu Bus Stop

SPOT THE BANNER!

I looked at the banner hanging behind me and noted that it seemed to be a big promotion. There was a long table for registration and the people in charge were milling about getting things organized.

As I waited I chewed on some pepero sticks that I picked up at the convenience store and looked around only to realize that there was still a space where Sampoong Department Store stood six years ago. It looked like they were about to start construction of some luxury apartment buildings, though, seeing the billboard signs around it.

I was looking for my phone in my purse when at the corner of my eye, I saw the pedestrian light turn to green and realized that this was the exact spot I stood at that day. The day I thought we lost Chilbong.

I remembered the buzzing of all the pagers as the news broke on the bus and pounding on the door to be let out. I remembered people all around me, standing in shock as we all watched the building collapse on the jumbotron. I remembered running and running all the way to this corner.

Like a montage it seemed like I could see myself with my hand against the tree, my body trembling, as I hoped against all hope that Chilbong was alive. Then, like a miracle, he was there. Waving across the street and smiling at me. And then, a few beats later, he was here, right in front of me, looking at me in concern as I dissolved into hysterical tears. I had wrapped my arms around his neck then as he comforted me when I should have been comforting him. But all that I could think of was, thank God. Thank God that miracles exist. Thank God Chilbong is still alive.

In my arms he felt real and solid and steady. Even then I knew my world was a better place because he was in it. Even then my heart understood the magnitude of loss had he not existed in this world. Tears started forming in my eyes at the poignant memory and I didn't notice that the gang had arrived until I heard Binggrae's voice.

"Na Jeong-ah..."I heard him say. "It's almost 7 p.m... Do we need to sign up?"

Brushing the tears away with the back of my hands I nodded and tried to smile.

"Are you okay?" Jin Yi Unnie asked.

"Yes. I'm good. Just... Some memories," I responded. I motioned for the gang to circle me before I spoke determinedly. "Okay... Listen. We all have to sign up separately so we have seven chances of winning rather than just one. Let's get the first clue then decide on a strategy." I saw Samcheonpo chuckling on the side and I fixed a glare at him. "Yah... This is important to me. Should I tell Joon you weren't being supportive? " He blinked at me a few times, as if trying to gauge how serious I am, but then his face straightened.

"Sorry, Na Jeong-ah," he mumbled even as Yoon Jin gave him a squeeze.

"Let's go! FIGHTING!" I tried to be encouraging. I really really want these tickets. I was going to ask Joon this morning to call Lee Sang Min to ask for hints, getting up especially early to call him at least when it's a decent time in San Francisco but he didn't pick up the phone. That's weird. I could have sworn that he's usually done with training by that time.

We filed in a line and when I was at the front I filled out a piece of paper with my name and other pertinent information. They handed me an index card with three lines and immediately I thought, Is that it? I can definitely do this.

I waited at the side as our friends all signed up and got their clues and as we all gathered together, we all read the first clue.

Head to the next point!

LOCATION: Gangnam, 38 storey building.

HINT: Red umbrella

"Hmmm, Gangnam is a big place," Haitai commented. "How do we know which building has 38 floor?"

"I know," Ae Jung agreed. "And there are a ton of people here... It's a bit vague but it has to be big enough to handle the crowd, right?" Everyone nodded and a light bulb flashed in my head.

"Guys... I've worked at the LG Tower... It has 38 stories. It's big, and well known. I bet that's what it is."

"Should we walk or take a cab there?" Samcheonpo asked. "It's only a couple of miles away."

"Time is money! I don't want people getting there before me!"

"Okay... Taxi it is then!" Yoon Jin said and we quickly hailed two taxis and agreed to meet in front of LG Tower. Haitai and Ae Jung were looking at each other all lovey dovey and before I became bitter about Joon not being here, I reminded myself that they're spending New Year's Eve running around Seoul to win me something. They can be lovey dovey all they want. I bet Joon and I would be the same way if he was here. Thank goodness the taxis stopped and we arrived before I could think about how much I missed him.

"Which red umbrella are we talking about?" Jin Yi Unnie asked. I looked around and cringed as it seemed like the place was overrun with people holding red umbrellas. These organizers are good.

"Should we split up into two teams? That way we can cover more space and we're not all spending time hitting up non helpful clues," Binggrae suggested.

"Good idea, Bing," I said. "Plus surely they didn't just give one person in this whole place a clue, so if anyone gets it first, just continue with the hunt and we'll keep in touch via phone."

Yoon Jin, Samcheonpo, Binggrae and Jin Yi Unnie teamed up, leaving myself, Haitai and Ae Jung by ourselves. I watched as they walked off in the opposite direction to tackle the other half of the umbrellas. I thought about where to go first even as Haitai and Ae Jung already started talking to some people on our half. I looked across the street and my eyes softened. I could almost see Joon there, over a year ago, standing in the rain, his face sombre and tortured as he willed himself not to love me anymore. Foolish man. I shook my head at the memory when I saw someone walk to the spot I was just looking at, carrying a red umbrella. Worth a shot.

"Ahjussi!" I said as I ran to him. A bespectacled man in a business suit turned around to look at me in surprise. "Ahjussi... Do you... Do you have a clue for me?"

He nodded and smiled before reaching into his suit jacket for another index card. I was so happy I almost kissed his cheek but thought about the conniption Joon would have if I told him I kissed a random stranger and decided against it. He would grumble and complain and tell me to keep my lips to myself. 'Your lips are private property, Sung Na Jeong-ssi', he'll say, 'and I don't share.'

"Haitai! Ae Jung! I got it!" I called out and watched them walk hand in hand towards me. I pulled out my phone and dialled Yoon Jin's number. "Yoon Jin-ah... I got the next clue! Have you got a pen?" When she said no, I blew a breath out in frustration. "Use your phone then... Or someone's phone. Are you ready? Location: Most popular cinema for college students. Hint: Exit."

"Na Jeong-ah... There are a number of universities in Seoul... How do we even know which one it is?" I heard her say.

"Are there movie theatres near each one?" I asked. "I think there might be. You and Samcheonpo go to... Hmm, I think there is a Lotte Cinema near Seoul National University. Bing and Jin Yi Unnie can go to Korea University campus. I don't think there are a lot of cinemas around there so it shouldn't be hard."

"Where are you guys going?" She asked.

"Where else? Piccadilly Cinema by Yonsei... That's where we always went when we were in school. That's where Lee Sang Min would have gone too when he was in Yonsei. Call me if you find it first!"

"I got it. I'll call you, Na Jeong-ah. I'll see you later."

She hung up the phone and I stared at the index card. How convenient that he went to the same university as us. Surely we get an advantage knowing these places. I will definitely win.

"Na Jeong-ah... Where are we going next? Did you say Piccadilly Cinema? That's where you and Chilbong had your double date with us! Remember?"

Remember? Remember? How could I forget? We were still sneaking around then... It seems so long ago now but I remember it clearly. He looked at me then just like he does now. We also came here for a movie before he left for San Francisco. I shook my head at the memory. I have to stay focused. I can't do that thinking about Joon. I MUST WIN LEE SANG MIN OPPA SEASON TICKETS!!! Reminding myself to call him later and tell him how this contest made me recall all of our times together, I hailed a cab.

As we rode the six miles to the cinema I remembered the way he held my hands then and the way he kissed me that night. "Say my name", he said. Heat coursed through me and I berated myself. We've done this long distance thing before but when he said his contract was contingent on his staying in San Francisco for the next three months before the season started, my heart still fell. I actually considered trying to find a job in San Francisco... I still might be able to get one depending on the opportunities that arise. Half an hour later we finally arrived. We would have been here sooner had it not been for traffic. Seoul is a nightmare sometimes.

"Na Jeong-ah... What was the hint again?" Haitai asked as we walked into the cinema.

"Exit," I said, looking around. "You guys take the left side and the back. I'll take the right side and the front."

They nodded and went on their way, whispering, no doubt sweet nothings to each other. Spending New Year's Eve with all these couples is not good for my mental health. Now, where to start? The exit sign by the front of the cinema caught my eye and I pictured myself and Joon standing there, our arms around each other's waists. I saw myself laughing at something he said and his lips landing on my forehead for a tender kiss. Sighing, I'm coming to accept that I will spend all day today thinking about him. And why not? Two years ago today my life changed. It's okay. It's definitely okay.

I spotted an usher cleaning by the exit and tapping him with my pointer finger for attention, he stood up and looked at me.

"Excuse me.... Would you happen to have a clue for me? For the Lee Sang Min contest?" He nodded and grabbed the card from his cleaning cart. Running back to right in front of the concession stand, I called Haitai and Ae Jung on the phone to meet me. I quickly sent a text to Binggrae with the location and hint, knowing he and Jin Yi Unnie had already separated from Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo. I called Yoon Jin and waited for her to answer.

"Yoon Jin-ah... I got the next clue!"

"You got the clue already? You're so fast... You will definitely win this for sure. Season tickets are expensive!" Yoon Jin screamed over the phone.

"Yeah yeah... Two more to go... I won't celebrate until I have those babies in my hands. Are you ready? Location: T blank L blank J blank. Three words beginning with T L and J. Hint: best item on the menu... Hmmm..." This one is a little more difficult.

"It's got to be a restaurant," Yoon Jin said, "if it has a menu."

"I know!" Ae Jung said. "Tous Les Jours! There's a few around here."

"That fits!" Going back on the phone, I spoke to Yoon Jin. "Yah... You heard that, right? Tous Les Jours! Go to every one of them around you and ask Bing to do the same. Ask the people around for what's the best product on the menu."

"I got it," she replied.

"Call me!" Even as I was hanging up the phone I was already walking towards the Tous Les Jours nearby, the one Joon and I went to after our driving lesson. That HE didn't need. Thinking about all those days in the bus made me smile and as I stood at the entrance with Haitai and Ae Jung, I can clearly see Joon wearing his baseball cap and bundled in his coat as he looked at me self-consciously.

"Taus les jaurus? Isn't that what it's called?" He asked, cheeks blushing. I started chuckling at the memory and had to tell myself to stop. That man can put a smile on my face anytime.

"I think that the cream puffs or green tea macarons are the best items," Haitai commented.

Really? I don't agree with that. But... Divide and conquer... "You order the cream puffs and Ae Jung-ah, you order the macarons." They went in line before me and my heart dropped when they both came back holding bags of pastries but no card. I stomped to the counter and placed my order for what I thought was the best item.

"Please give me a Jurassic Park set," I asked the cashier. She went behind the counter and packed some pastries in a bag, then handed it to me with a big smile. I was disheartened when I saw no card inside but a smile spread on my face to see the card fastened to the bottom of the bag. Grabbing one to munch on, I read the last card as I walked back to where Ae Jung and Haitai stood.

"Got it!" I said and they continued to munch on their purchases. "The clue said it's the last one... Location: School. Hint: No.8..."

"Which school?" Haitai asked as he fed Ae Jung a cream puff. "Grade school, middle school, high school? Or Yonsei?"

"I'm guessing it's the schools he attended. Thank God there are seven of us and we've already dispersed. And I'm really glad that he has always lived in Seoul, else this would have been a logistical nightmare." I searched my mind for all of his schools and drafted a text to both Yoon Jin and Bing, asking Bing to go to his grade school and for Yoon Jin to go to his middle school and to look for anything marked 8. Within seconds I got a response that they got it and that they'll call me back when they found something.

"You guys will probably need to go to his high school, so we can separate here." I wrote the name and address of his high school on a piece of paper and handed it to Ae Jung. She and Haitai exchanged glances before she spoke up.

"Na Jeong-ah... Let me come with you instead!" She said. "Uhmmm... I have to... I have to go to the bathroom and Yonsei is only a few minutes away from here but the high school is in the other end of town."

"Well... You can go to the bathroom now... There is one in Tous Les Jours." I suggested.

"No! I meant I just went to the bathroom when we got to the cinema. In another half hour I will have to go again. The cold weather makes.... Uhmmm... Makes my bladder sensitive and I will have to go every hour."

"Really? That's terrible!" I said sympathetically. Haitai, that bad boyfriend, was laughing behind his hand which was over his mouth. Ae Jung nodded and I watched as she gave the piece of paper to Haitai. "Yah... Let me know if you find it."

He wasn't even paying attention to me he was so focused on Ae Jung. "I got it," he said distractedly before giving her a quick hug and walking out of the bakery. Ae Jung and I walked out together towards Yonsei.

"What does no. 8 mean?" She asked.

"Probably building no. 8... I can't remember which one that is, though. We can look at the map when we get there," I told her. "Thanks for doing this for me, Ae Jung-ah... You guys are the best friends ever."

"It's nothing. It must be hard being without Chilbong. I can't even imagine."

"Yeah, it's hard," I said softly. "It never gets easier either. But I really believe that if you love each other enough, distance and time don't really matter. Besides, he may be there, but his heart is with me." I looked at the ring that graced my right ring finger.

We talked quietly and walked for a few minutes. I asked her when she and Haitai were getting married and she said not yet, saying Haitai wanted to wait. I was about to ask her what he was waiting for when I looked up and saw that we were already at the entrance for Yonsei University. We looked at the map together and she pointed out the indoor basketball court, clearly marked with number 8. Of course. Where else?

With the end in sight, I breathed a sigh of relief as I did not see anyone else around. We made it in good time and I doubt that people would have gotten the clues as quickly as we did. Victory is mine! I will be getting Oppa's season tickets soon! We walked the campus that we used to walk every day, towards the direction of the indoor basketball court when I saw the baseball stadium looming over the horizon.

Involuntarily, an image of Joon came back, the day of the friendly match. The look of happiness on his face. He's mine... But not just. I shared him with the people who supported him over the years, the people who have shaped who he is and the children who watch him play. A small smile formed on my face as I thought of the way he held me after the game. As if he played the game for me. As if I was his home. He'll come back to me. Yes, he will. Maybe not when I want him to but he'll always come back to me. He promised. And Joon doesn't break his promises.

Feeling an urgent need to be somewhere Joon was, I turned to Ae Jung. "You go on ahead to the indoor basketball court. I'm just going to the baseball stadium real quick."

"Na Jeong-ah... Are you sure? You know you'll have the tickets whether or not I get there first. But you really wanted to win this..." She said hesitantly.

"It's fine. You go ahead. I'll just be minutes behind you." She looked like she was about to protest so I added, "You can wait for me outside if you want."

She nodded and started walking slowly towards the indoor basketball court. I walked in the opposite direction, following the path that would lead me to the baseball stadium. Closer to Joon.

I looked up at the night sky and noted what a beautiful night it was. The sky was clear and there was no wind. Joon loves nights like this. I wondered what he was doing tonight. I have a feeling he's thinking of me just like I am thinking of him. It has taken a long time and it hadn't always been easy, but finally... Finally, I know Joon.

## 6 days before...

## Jae Joon

"Hyung, it's Joon... I need a favour. Do you think you can meet up at," I looked at the paper in front of me, "... 1 p.m. in 2 days? I need to talk to you. It's really important."

I listened to his soft reply and smiled.

"Okay... I'll text you my address... I'll see you then."

## 5 days before...

## Jae Joon

"Are you sure you're okay about going back on your own?" Jung Jin Hyung asked as we made our way to the departures gate. I checked my itinerary and nodded.

"I don't always need you with me, Hyung... And I know you wanted to spend New Year's Eve with your lady," I said with a smile. "You'll be coming back on the 3rd?"

"Yeah... We have meetings all the week after so you better have your game face on. And you better keep up with your training while you're in Korea. I don't want to hear anything from anyone when I get back."

"I will." I embraced him as I prepared to show my passport and my boarding pass to the TSA personnel. "Hyung, thanks for everything."

"It was nothing, Joon-ah. Go."

I waved at him one more time and walked towards the line.

## 4 days before...

## Jae Joon

I pulled my phone out and powered it on as soon as I landed back in Korea. I debated whether or not to change the clock on the phone back to Korea time but needing to remember that Na Jeong thinks I'm in San Francisco I left it as is. She'll probably call at strange hours and I reminded myself to set my alarm clock to those times. I don't want to miss her phone calls.

Pressing the Messages tab, I wrote a mass text to Haitai, Yoon Jin, Samcheonpo and Binggrae.

I need your help. Meet me at my apartment at 7 p.m. DO NOT TELL NA JEONG ABOUT THIS MEETING OR THAT I AM BACK IN KOREA. I'll take responsibility if she threatens to beat you.

Joon.

Satisfied that it was concise enough, I go straight to the taxi line and get in. I gave the driver my apartment address in Gangnam and watched as the familiar sight of Korea greeted me home.

##

##

## 1 p.m.

I opened the door to see Lee Sang Min Hyung standing on the other side. After welcoming him into the apartment, I served him some coffee and we sat down at the kitchen table.

"Chilbong-ah, what's going on? It's been a long time," Sang Min Hyung said, lifting his cup for a sip. "Want to tell me why I'm sitting in your apartment drinking coffee when we could have met up outside?"

"Ahh, that... I can't take chances that people might spot me and know that I'm back in Korea," I responded. I took a deep breath before speaking. "Hyung... I need your help."

"With what? I'm assuming that it's not professional help, since we play different sports," he said. "I've also seen the news on your comeback. Congratulations, Jae Joon-ah. It's quite a feat to be scouted again after an injury."

"Thanks... And no, it's not for professional help. It's... Uhmm... It's personal. My girlfriend, Na Jeong, she's your biggest fan."

"Okay... Are you going to ask for an autograph?" I looked at him to see one eyebrow raised at me.

"It's not that simple. I need a little more help than that. Do you, by any chance, have season tickets I can buy off of you? I just need two."

"Two?" He asked.

"Yeah... I can't let her go to your game and get into a fight because someone's bad mouthing you." He started chuckling. "Oh, and is it possible for you to speak to your fan club?"

"Why?"

"I'm not just giving her the tickets as a gift. I'm kind of proposing to her."

"You either are or you aren't. What the hell does 'kind of' mean?"

"I am proposing. I want it to be a surprise."

"I'm not quite understanding. Maybe you need to tell me exactly what your strategy is and what I need to do."

## 7 p.m.

Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo sat holding hands on one end of the couch, while I sat on the other end and Binggrae and Haitai sat on the floor.

"What did you tell Na Jeong?" I asked Yoon Jin and she smiled before responding.

"Nothing... I just asked her to babysit for a couple of hours," she said calmly. "What is this about?" She gestured over the map I've drawn on a piece of paper, along with a list of places.

"I'm proposing. She should be getting an email from Lee Sang Min's fan club today about a contest on New Year's Eve," I started.

"She already got it. She told me a couple of hours ago, said she would tell you how badly we treat her if we didn't cancel our plans and go with her."

"I knew she'll want to join... That girl is crazy for Lee Sang Min," I said. "It's a scavenger hunt, and these," I pointed to the places on the paper marked in red, "... Are the places she needs to go for every clue."

"But Chilbong-ah," Samcheonpo said. "You're going to need a lot of people to make it convincing... We can't just be the only ones running around the city without her noticing."

"Sang Min Hyung's fan club will take care of that. They sent an email out to their members about the same thing... Except they will be playing for autographed posters."

"Wow, Chilbong-ah, Na Jeong will probably want the poster too," Haitai commented.

"Yah..."

"I'm just saying." He thought about it for a minute before he looked up. "We'll need more people though... So we can have someone watching her and making sure that she goes to the right place. You know Na Jeong... She's very competitive and organized. She'll probably want to split up at some point to cover everything."

"Yeah," I responded. "I was hoping you guys could ask Jin Yi Noona and Ae Jung to come, too."

Binggrae and Haitai nodded as they pulled out their phones and sent text messages to their better halves. Within a few minutes both their phones went off with responses and they both gave me a thumbs up.

"Chilbong-ah... You'll need to speak to the places on here, too," Yoon Jin said. "You can't just walk in and ask them to help you propose."

"Yes, he can," Samcheonpo said, munching on an apple. "He's a major league baseball player."

"Yoon Jin-ah... It's okay. I already called ahead to meet with them the day after tomorrow."

"Omma and Coach will kill you if you don't tell them ahead of time," Binggrae said.

I pointed to the big basket on the table before addressing his concern. "I'm going to the boarding house in the morning, after Na Jeong leaves for work and before Appa leaves. Baseball's off season now so he wouldn't leave the house till late anyway."

"Well... It looks like you have everything covered," Yoon Jin observed. "Where will the proposal actually happen?"

"That's where I will need you guys to coordinate with me. Here's what I'm thinking..."

## 2 days before...

## Jae Joon

I was just walking up the path to the boarding house when I heard Na Jeong's voice. She is loud.

"Omma, Appa... I have to go! You can ask me about Joon when I get home... I'm already running late for work," I heard her yell as she muttered to herself walking towards the street. "Aishhhh... How am I supposed to know when EXACTLY he'll be back? He doesn't even know..." I ducked behind the stairs and crouched down quickly in case she saw me.

As if realizing someone was there, she stopped walking and I held my breath. Just when I was convinced she was going to find me and the huge basket I carried, which I now lifted closer to me, I noticed she was rummaging through her purse for her phone. The charm I gave her now hung from it and it glinted in the sunlight. Taking a glove off with her teeth, I watched as she furiously typed on her phone.

Is she... Is she sending me a text? Shit! I didn't turn my phone off. Quickly I reached into my pocket and took the battery out before she closed her phone. After she was done, she put her glove back on.

Is she going to spot the car where it's parked? Dammit. I should have parked farther out. I craned my neck and saw her hail a cab and finally I could release my breath. I stared at my watch for ten minutes even after the cab had gone to make sure it didn't turn back around in case she forgot something.

When I was finally in the clear, I stood up and grabbed the basket and proceeded to go up the stairs to the boarding house.

I knocked on the door and straightened up my suit as I waited for someone to answer. Omma came after a few minutes and stared at me in shock.

"Joon-ah! We were just talking about you! Na Jeong didn't tell us you were coming home!" She said as she opened the door to let me in. "You're so dressed up, too! Come in, come in..."

I followed her into the house as she called out to Appa. "Yeobo, you wouldn't guess who's here!"

By the time Appa walked to the living room from the kitchen, wearing a tatty old pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt, and Omma turned back around, no doubt to offer me something to drink, I had already dropped to my knees, with my basket to my side.

"Chilbong!" Appa said. "What the hell have you done now?"

"Nothing... Abonim. Please sit down... Omonim, you too."

They exchanged glances and looked at me suspiciously but sat down anyway. I placed the basket on the table and took a deep breath.

"I would like to..." I felt a scratch in my throat and coughed to clear it. "Uhmm... I would like permission to ask your daughter for her hand in marriage." I kept my eyes down to the floor, not knowing whether they will say it's too soon. A few minutes of silence passed and I thought for sure I will be chased out of the house with a knife. Violence runs deep in this family. I allowed myself to look up to see Omma crying happy tears and Appa glaring at me.

"Joon-ah, I'm so happy," she cried, standing up and embracing me. "Yeobo... Aren't you happy too?"

"Yes. I'm happy. But couldn't you have warned me? I must be the only father in existence to receive a formal proposal from my son-in-law wearing clothes that are at least five years old. I have holes in my shirt!" I started chuckling even as he shook my hand. "Chilbong-ah... I will change my shirt and you can ask again. Wait!" Incredulous, I could only nod.

He came out of his room a few minutes later decked out in a suit and tie, his hair slicked back and Omma stared at him in shock. He sat down regally before motioning for me to kneel back down. I was trying to remember the words when as soon as I was kneeling he said, "I accept... I accept. But Chilbong-ah... It's too early to drink."

"We'll drink once she says yes," I reassured him as I stood up. "Which will be in two days, hopefully. But you two think it's okay, right?"

They both nodded at me and I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

"I brought you this basket to show my..." My voice trailed off when I saw that they had already opened it and were perusing its contents.

"Joon-ah," Omma said with wonder in her voice. "You brought us some more supermarket melons!"

It wasn't until they had the melons peeled and sliced that I realized they were more surprised about the fruit than they were about my proposal. I love this family.

## 1 day before...

## Jae Joon

I sat on the bench outside the hospital and waited for Jung Gook Hyung to get off his night shift. I had texted him earlier asking to talk, and he agreed to meet me before making his way home.

I stood up when I saw him walk out of the hospital holding a coffee cup. I held out a hand and he shook it before we sat down.

"I saw you play at the game," he said, looking me up and down. "Your shoulder held up. You did a good job."

"Hyung, thank you," I said sincerely. "It seems you were right. You did save my career."

We shared a chuckle for a few minutes and I cleared my throat. His face sobered as he studied me.

"You didn't come all the way out here just to tell me something that you could have told me over the phone."

"No... Hyung... I'm going to ask Na Jeong to marry me tomorrow," I said softly. "I would like to get your blessing. Or if not that, your permission. I would be grateful with either."

He looked out onto the grass for a few minutes before he sighed and gave me a smile. "Of course. I wish you and Na Jeong a very happy life."

"Hyung... You'll be a part of that life, right?" I asked. I watched as his eyes softened and he nodded.

"I'll always be Na Jeong's Oppa... And your Hyung. I'll be around as long as you two want me around."

"Hyung, thank you. Again."

We sat in comfortable silence before I spoke again.

"I have one more thing to ask. Would you happen to know where Hoon Hyung is buried?" He turned to me in surprise. "I have all day today, and I would like to get his permission, too." When he didn't respond right away, I said, "If you can just write it down for me, I can drive there today and be back by tonight. I know I'm asking for a lot..."

"I'll do you one better, Joon-ah," he interrupted. "It's my day off and hey, why not, right? I'll go with you. It's been a long time since I've seen my old friend."

We drove the four hours to Masan, where Jung Gook Hyung alternated between sleeping and talking my ear off. It felt good to have company on the long drive though and I was grateful that it was him. Once we arrived in Masan, I picked up a bouquet of flowers and some ddukbokki, after Hyung said he liked that, too. We bought a bottle of soju and some paper cups, and proceeded to look for Hoon Hyung's grave.

Once I poured the liquor on the paper cup and laid the flowers and the food in front of the mound. I brought my hands to my forehead and bowed to the ground twice, to honour his place as Na Jeong's elder brother. Feeling like it wasn't enough, I began to speak.

"Hi... Uhmm Hoon Hyungnim... My name is Kim Jae Joon. I've come today to ask for your blessing to marry Na Jeong-ie. She would have come too, but I wanted it to be a surprise... So yeah... It's just me and Jung Gook Hyung." I look over my shoulder to see Hyung with his head bowed. "I know we never had a chance to meet, but I wanted to let you know that I will always love and take care of Na Jeong. I will always honour and respect her. My words are all I have to give you, but rest assured that I am a man of my word. I will spend the rest of my life making her happy. Please know that I mean that." I paused and thought about what to say before speaking again. "I'll also take care of Omonim and Abonim... I'll make sure that they will have everything they need as they get older. And Sook Sook too. I'll always treat him like he is my blood brother and not one by marriage. I... I wish I could have met you, Hyung. Uri Na Jeong-ie... She misses you a lot."

I heard Hyung take a step towards me before putting a hand on my shoulder. "Hoon-ah... He doesn't look like much but I can vouch for him. He's the one Na Jeong loves. Be happy for them, chingguya. And don't worry."

I turned a grateful glance to Hyung and he gave me a grin. We spent the next hour cleaning up Hoon's burial mound. When it was time to leave, I touched the mound one more time.

"I'll come see you again, Hoon Hyung. Next time I'll bring Na Jeong. You might not believe how incredible of a woman she is now. She taught me the song you used to sing to her. I bet you miss her too. You'll see her again soon. I promise."

## December 31, 2001

## 3:30 p.m.

## Jae Joon

"Joon-ah... Did you get permission from Yonsei University already?" Binggrae asked as we drove.

"Yes... They gave me from 7 p.m. till midnight," I reassured him.

"And the cinema?"

"I gave them a copy of her picture and the clue two days ago," I responded as I parked the car.

"How about the people with the umbrellas?" He asked. "How do you even know they'll show up?"

"Yah... I told them you won't give them the jerseys until she's left. You got all of it from Jung Jin Hyung right? He told me he sent it. I'll come in after I drop you off and autograph them all for you. Do you have a place where you can keep them by the LG Tower?"

"Yeah... The receptionist said she could keep it for me until I get there. Hopefully we will split up."

"And the red umbrellas?"

"That's at the apartment, too. Don't worry Joon-ah... I'll take care of my part if you take care of yours, hmm?"

I chuckled and nodded. "Thanks for doing this with me, Dong Joon-ah..."

"Enough of the gooey stuff. Save it for Na Jeong. Let's go."

Minutes later I was sat in front of a paper bag full of dinosaur shaped pastries and a stapler.

"But... Joon-ah... Their best selling items are the green tea macarons and the cream puffs. Wouldn't it be safer to just put clues in three bags? That way whatever Na Jeong orders she'll get a clue?" He insisted. "How do you even know she'll order this?"

"She will," I said confidently. "Na Jeong will see this on the menu and think of me. She won't order anything else, trust me."

I finished stapling the clue to the bottom of the bag and handed it back to the person behind the register with Na Jeong's picture.

"Good luck," she said with a smile.

"Thank you," I called out as Binggrae and I walked out of the bakery. Once in the car I pulled out my list and crossed that one off. Two more things. Just two more. Almost there.

## 5:00 p.m.

## Jae Joon

"Joon Hyung!" Sook Sook screamed when he spotted me at the edge of the baseball field near the boarding house waiting for him to get done with his little league practice. I bent down caught him easily in my arms as he wrapped his arms around my neck. "Have you come to pick me up?"

"Yes. I asked Omma and Appa if I can and they said yes. Are you all finished?"

"Yeah... But Hyung... Can I show you to my friends?" Before I could even respond he had already taken my hand and introduced me to the kids that he played baseball with. There were so many names I could barely remember, coupled with the fact that their parents started walking over when they recognized me, that I just kept smiling and nodding. What's important to Sook Sook is important to me. I promised Hoon Hyung.

When he gathered his stuff and was certain he was done, he took my hand in his and we walked the long way home. He chatted about his day at practice amiably and I had to smile. This kid... I love this kid. I bought a couple of ice cream cones and he looked at me like I was some kind of a god.

"When I asked Noona for ice cream last time she said I shouldn't because it's winter," he informed me. "Can you keep this a secret? I don't want Noona to yell."

"Sook Sook-ah, yes I will keep this just between us. But... I have a secret too..." I said, bending myself to a sitting position so that I could meet his eyes. "I want to know if it's okay that I marry your Noona."

"Na Jeong Noona?" He asked, his eyes as wide as saucers. "I guess it will be okay. You'll still be my Hyung, right?"

I nodded and ruffled his hair. "I'm already your hyung."

"That's true... So it's okay. But..." He looked at me then, his expression serious. "You made Noona cry before. Like big tears. I put my ear up to her door and heard her."

"Yeah... I said I'm sorry to your Noona... And Omma and Appa too. I guess I should say sorry to you too, huh? Your noona's very lucky to have you protecting her. How about this then? How about I promise that I'll try to not make her cry again? Because you know sometimes grownups cry when they're happy too."

"Really?" He asked me disbelievingly. "Because I only cry when I have booboos. But... Joon Hyung... What if Noona wants to eat ddukbokki every day?" His brows were frowning and I realized that this was a very important topic.

"She can eat ddukbokki every day, Sook Sook-ah. I'll even get it for her. I learned how to make it, too."

"Okay. That's good. Because she really likes ddukbokki." I stood up and he took my hand in his as we walked back to the boarding house. I felt honoured that he has entrusted me with his precious Noona. She's precious to me, too.

## 7:45 p.m.

## Jae Joon

"Na Jeong just got in the cab to go to the cinema. Haitai just texted me," Yoon Jin said as Samcheonpo followed her. "It will take at least 30 minutes with traffic to get to Piccadilly... But once she figures out the clue, it will just take another 30 minutes to cover Tous Les Jours and then come here."

"Okay, " I said as I unpacked some candles. "We'll probably have to start lighting these as soon as she gets to the bakery. It's only walking distance from here."

"Joon-ah... How many candles are here?" Jin Yi Noona asked.

"About 500," I responded, flushing. "It was cheaper to buy wholesale!"

"How come I didn't get a proposal like this?" She asked Dong Joon and he took her arm and carried a box of candles to the opposite end of the venue.

"Chilbong-ah... Are you sure you want to set up here? Don't you think Na Jeong might go somewhere else?" Samcheonpo asked. "What if you do all this and she doesn't even show up here?"

"She'll come. Just wait and see. I know uri Na Jeong-ie. This is the first place she will go."

## 8:30 p.m.

## Jae Joon

I love nights like this. Clear sky and no wind. It was cold but not so cold that I needed my puffy coat. The perfect night. I was just putting down the last of the candles on the bleacher after lighting it when Yoon Jin came running down from the top tier to tell me that Na Jeong just got to Yonsei. I smiled and nodded before I allowed myself to look around.

All around me the bleachers were covered in candles, the only light that will guide Na Jeong here until the spotlight comes on. I felt the ring in my pocket and bent down to retrieve the box that I got from San Francisco. Lifting it up, I smiled as I read the writing on it, as well as my response... Written many many months ago. Before I even left for America again. I put it back in its box and stood up.

Now I wait. I wait for the woman I love. Just like she waited for me. Just like I waited for her all those years ago. I felt like all the events in my life have culminated to this day and this moment. I looked at my ring, back on my hand and allowed myself to remember all the years that I've loved Na Jeong. Saying that until recently I couldn't quite believe that she could love me back is an understatement. But that's all changed. I now believe I am a person capable of love and capable of being loved. It took me a while to get here but I've finally bid my demons goodbye.

As I stood and waited, I thought about the last week and how they led me here... How I woke up one morning believing my future to be going in one direction and yet still I am standing right here. Life is funny sometimes... You don't always end up where you thought you would, but somehow and someway you still end up exactly where you were meant to be.

December 24, 2001

9:30 a.m.

"Joon-ah, have you made a decision?" He asked.

"Yes."

My mind made up, I sat back on the chair as I flip through the contract waiting for the men to return. It's time to take control of my destiny. I just hope Na Jeong understands...

They all came back in... With smiles on their faces. They knew they were offering me something I wouldn't be able to refuse. I stood up and waited for them to sit down before I sat down myself. Hyung followed my lead.

I take the pen out of my pocket and when I clicked the pen, I remembered my mother's words. I'm proud of you. Click. My father's voice. I really want to hold my boy again and tell him how much I've missed his face. Click. Abonim's voice. You have a lot to be proud of. Click. In Sung's voice. You can make it the beginning. Click. Binggrae's voice. It was all you. Click. Na Jeong's voice. I'll wait. Forever if I have to.

"Joon-ah," I heard Hyung say in Korean. "They're waiting for you to sign."

My brain says yes but my heart says no. I've always gone with what my brain said, and it's never led me down the wrong path. But it never made me happy either. No matter how much money I had. Maybe it's time to do something different. Maybe it's time to listen to what my heart is telling me to do.

Before I realized what I was doing, I had already slid the folder back to them without my signature. They exchanged puzzled glances and even Hyung looked at me with an eyebrow raised.

"Are you trying to play hardball, JJ? I didn't think you were the type," the manager said and I shook my head no. "Did you want more money? Was that it?"

"No... I'm sorry but I changed my mind. I thank you for the opportunity, but I have to beg your pardon. I just realized that I have too much to leave behind in Korea. My apologies."

"I thought you weren't close to your family?" I wasn't, yet. "And that you were unmarried?" I'm not... Not yet.

"Things have changed since I've been injured. My priorities have changed. I'm not the same man that I was when I first came here two years ago. I am grateful for all that you have taught me," I said as I met the eyes of my manager and my pitching coach. "But no amount of money will convince me to stay."

I stood up and held out my hand. Though reluctant they all took it as I beckoned Hyung to follow me out. He stayed quiet until we were out of the building.

"Joon-ah... Are you sure about this? I'll manage you in Korea too... But..."

"Hyung... Do you know what went through my head the whole time I was in there?" I asked.

"Na Jeong," he answered. "She's already said she'd wait for you."

"Yeah, I thought about Na Jeong, but I also thought of the other people in my life, too. I've never been more sure of anything in my life. And yeah, Na Jeong will wait. But I am no longer willing to wait. I'm not just a baseball player anymore. I'm a partner, a son, a brother, a cousin and a friend. Those are the things that I choose to define me now."

"Joon-ah," I heard him say softly.

"I'm not changing my mind, Hyung. And I won't regret it either." I looked over to him before we got in the car.

"I was just going to say... I asked you who you were last year and you couldn't give me an answer then. I think you finally figured it out. Congratulations."

I do know who I am now. I know what I want. I know what I need. I know what I deserve. I've made my choice a long time ago. It's just taken me this long to really understand what it meant. I'm ready now, for whatever life brings my way. I already have the one who will walk through my life with me. I just hope she's ready to make it official.

## 8:45 p.m.

## Na Jeong

Am I walking into a dream? Was there a candlelight vigil of some sort? Omo... I hope there's nothing sombre going on here tonight... And I've just walked into it because I wanted to think about my boyfriend.

The stadium was dark... Only illuminated by what looked like hundreds and hundreds of votive candles on the bleachers. So pretty. I hesitantly climbed up the bleachers to enjoy the view.

I sat down on the third row, where there was a little bit of space and thought about Joon and what he would be doing now. I pretended the candles were all stars and wished he was here. He would love this, I thought, this is just the sort of thing he would be into. He may not be so good with words, but he's better at romance than he ever gave himself credit for.

I stood up and rummaged through my purse for my phone to tell him about it when a single spotlight turned on. Surprised, I shielded my eyes from the glare. When I was able to look down on the field, a familiar looking silhouette greeted me.

It can't be him. Joon is in San Francisco. I talk to him every day. He is in San Francisco. No... This has to be a dream. It's the only thing that makes sense. I dream about him a lot when he's away. And this was always one of my favourites.

I was still telling myself this when I realized that maybe I was hungry or low on sugar. I pulled out the pepero sticks from my purse and a sense of deja vu filled me. I realized that I should probably go to the basketball stadium, where my Lee Sang Min Oppa tickets were waiting for me, but I remained rooted to the spot. Wanting to spend some more time with this person who looked a bit like Joon. From the back. I've really gone insane. Am I sleeping dreaming? I rubbed my eyes and wondered if I should have taken that nap. I'm hallucinating now.

I started walking down the bleachers when the person turned around. I held my breath until his face came into view. Imaginary Joon was just as handsome as my Joon. Imaginary Joon was wearing a tuxedo and I was reminded that my Joon always did wear a tuxedo well. My breath caught as he cocked his head to one side, just like he did seven years ago, when I first saw him play. Imaginary Joon walked towards the bleachers and motioned for me cup my hands together, just like my Joon did, a lifetime ago.

If this is a dream, why not? Imaginary Joon raised his eyebrows at me and I pushed my pepero sticks back in my purse and did as he asked. He had a ball in his hand and he wanted me to catch it. Of course he would. Imaginary Joon will do as Joon did. I suspect, however, that I will wake up as soon as the ball lands on my hands, just like I usually did when I had dreams like this.

Bidding imaginary Joon goodbye, I prepared to catch the ball and wake up. The ball landed on my hands and I stared at it in confusion. I'm still in the dream. Or the hallucination. I don't understand. Unless... Unless... It's real.

I felt the weight of the ball in my hands and looked at it more closely. It looked real. It felt real. I was turning it over in my fingers when my handwriting greeted me. Just like that I was transported back to the night before Joon left, almost two years ago. Images flashed of us cooking ramyun and dancing together in the dark. Kissing as the snow fell, falling asleep watching television. Writing on a baseball. I don't have to read my handwriting to know what I wrote. I still remember it to this day...

New Year's Eve will always be ours.

I smiled at the memory because it was still true. New Year's Eve IS still ours. The ball had another sentence now, though, written in Joon's handwriting, across the seam from where I wrote.

Shall we make forever ours too?

I lifted my face to see him watching me, the smile that I love lighting up his face. The same smile, from so many years ago, the one I never realized was only for me. It's real. He's here. He came back.

Tears filled my eyes unexpectedly and I closed them. Afraid he wouldn't be in front of me anymore when I opened them, I counted down from ten before I allowed myself to look again. When he still stayed where he was, his gaze fixed on my face, I finally realized that this was the moment. The moment I dreamed of all my life. With the man I dreamt of too but didn't always realize... That he's always been there. That he's been there all along.

I climbed down the bleachers quickly as I watched him walk towards me. When at last only a couple of feet separated us, he lifted a hand to cup my face.

"Joon-ah," I whispered, tears finally running down my face. He watched me with those beautiful eyes, shining with unshed tears.

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi... Will you marry me?" He pulled out a ring from his pocket and offered it to me.

Dazzling, twinkling lights danced in my eyes and I let out a breath and nodded before launching myself in his arms. Thank God he's real... Or I would have fallen flat on my face. I looked at his face as his tears fell too and all at once we were laughing and crying. If anyone had seen us they probably would have thought we were lunatics but I didn't care. As his lips met mine for a kiss, my last coherent thought was that forever was here. Forever was ours. At last.

"Na Jeong-ah... Just to make sure... You did say yes, right?" I looked over at him to see him studying me quizzically as we walked down the path that led us out of the baseball stadium.

"Joon-ah... I already told people I was marrying you long before we were even together. What do you think?" I watched as a smile came over his face and I smiled too.

I lifted my hand to the light and admired the way my ring sparkled. The building that housed the basketball court came into view and I remembered something.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi... Was this whole thing tonight a plot so you can propose?" His hand holding mine, he turned to me.

"Yes."

"But... What would you have done if I had gone to the basketball court? That was clearly the answer to the last hint."

He shook his head before replying. "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist coming here first. I know you."

"But... Why didn't you do it somewhere with a roof? What if it had been snowing, or even windy? This wouldn't work." I insisted. I swear, Joon really doesn't think things through.

"Yah... I'm only proposing once in my life. Don't I get to have a say on where it happens? Why would I propose in a basketball court? I play baseball, not basketball."

"And whose fault is that? I told you years and years ago to switch."

"YAAHHH..."

"Joon-ah... I just need to know one thing."

"Yes, I love you very much," he said gently.

"I already knew that. I love you too. But... What I really want to know is," I took a deep breath, "Does this mean I didn't win Lee Sang Min Oppa's season tickets?"

# NINTH INNING

## Chungju, South Korea

## December 28, 2001

## 3:30 p.m.

## Jae Joon

After driving almost two hours, I knocked on the door to Appa's house and was surprised to find it unlocked. I entered slowly, worried that something might have happened and put my overnight bag down. I looked around and saw that this house was a far cry from the house in Seoul. I haven't been here before, so I didn't know what to expect, but it hadn't been this. It was decorated sparsely, with only the most basic of necessities around... It feels like I went back in time. It certainly looked like a man's house, without any feminine touches, the way my apartment looked before Na Jeong started staying over more often.

Na Jeong... In four days I will be proposing. I have to get all the kinks worked out but hopefully it will happen without a hitch. Trying to remember everything on my list, I made a mental note to make a reservation at a restaurant for New Year's Eve.

Seeing that my father didn't appear to be home, I allowed myself to look around his living room. I walked to the windows that looked over where his apple orchards are. It's winter now... All the trees are bare and without any leaves or fruit, waiting for another chance to bloom again and bear their fruits.

It's currently not apple season so I don't see where else he could be. The glint of something caught my eye on the window and I turned around to look at where it came from. I faced a wall that was painted in a soft cream, just like the rest of the house, except this one was littered with frames. Curious, I stepped closer to look at what they were.

I was surprised to see that all of them were old and yellowed newspaper clippings of me, framed and hung up on the wall. Articles when I was in Yonsei, when I was in Japan and when I was in America. When did he start doing this? Why didn't he tell me? I feel like everything I ever thought I knew about my parents was so inaccurate and I wondered if I even knew them at all. So many secrets in this family. Unsure of what to think, I was making my way to a chair to sit down when the door opened and my father walked in.

Dressed casually in a long sleeved shirt and loose trousers, the Kim Kang Ho that walked into this humble home was millions of miles off from the suited and stiff Kim Kang Ho who raised me with an iron hand. Just a few inches shorter than me, one would never guess looking at him that he had a full grown son. Appa always carried himself with dignity and that showed no matter what he was wearing. His face, always unlined in my memories, now held a few frown lines at the corner of his eyes. The skin around his mouth bore no laugh lines, the only evidence of how his life had been since Omma left. He was darker, coarser, his face and arms showing the effects of constant exposure to the sun, yet amusingly he looked like a gentleman still playing at being a farmer. Appa had only one vice that I knew of and it wasn't food. He still looked strong and lean, with nary an inch of fat on his frame. But his face, I thought as my heart squeezed somewhere inside my chest, his face was older, more tired.

As I quietly perused him, his dark brown eyes, eyes that were always intense and angry in my head, met mine. I swallowed the nerves in my throat and searched for the right words to say, wondering if I should have given him advance notice that I would be visiting. Berating myself for always just pushing ahead without any thought, I was silent but I kept his gaze. His expression was that of surprise and for a brief few seconds, joy. Some things never change. Appa always hid his emotions better than I ever did.

"Appa." I stood up and walked towards him, unsure whether to hold my hand out for a shake or to embrace him. Deciding to be safe, I held out my hand.

"Joon-ah," he replied, taking my hand in his strong grasp. His hand was rough, a farmer's hand. "What are you doing here?"

It was only when he released my hand that I noticed that he was holding a small sturgeon on his left hand. Had he been to the market or had he gone fishing? Market, definitely. Fishing is a patient man's sport and my Appa is not a patient man. Never has been.

"Ahh... Appa... I came back yesterday. I have something I need to take care of. And I did promise I would come see you as soon as I came back."

He nodded and I watched as he walked to the kitchen and deposited the fish into a plastic bucket in the sink. He pulled a large knife out of the drawer and began to clean the fish without speaking to me. I continued to stand, waiting for instruction. I never felt at home in my father's house in Seoul and I still don't feel comfortable here.

"Are you going to keep standing there or are you going to help?" He asked, turning to me with the knife in his hand.

I quickly shrugged my coat off then put the apron hanging on a hook on. He handed me some vegetables to slice and peel and I busied myself doing just as he asked. We stood by the sink in silence as he descaled the fish. Watching my father work, I marvelled at how expertly he prepared it... One would never think that just ten years ago he was making his living going to the office every day. It's amazing to remember that this is the same man who sold his business for over 100 billion won, that he used to be on the cover of every business magazine in the nation. I peeled some carrots and potatoes, sliced some lemon and onions, just as I've done since I was young. Looking at my father next to me, I wondered if he'd shrunk or I had gotten taller. Somehow in my memories, my father always seemed broader and taller. When the fish was properly cleaned, he pulled a rack to put over the stove to grill the fish. The phone rang but he didn't seem to notice.

I looked at his face and up close I saw that he had more wrinkles than I had previously noticed. How long has it been since I have seen my father? At least five years... At least. The thought made my hands shake and he coughed and cleared his throat as he shifted his position and went to my other side to get to the stove.

"Are you hungry?" He asked gruffly as he threw the potatoes and carrots in a separate pan. "I went fishing earlier."

"Yeah, Appa, I'm hungry," I answered. Has the atmosphere between us always been this awkward? Yes, yes it has... I remembered. Even when we lived together, we seldom shared a meal and we certainly never cooked together. The handful of times we did, the silence had been so thick I always felt suffocated by it.

"Wash your hands and sit at the table," he said. "Rice is already made and there's banchan in the fridge. There's beer in the fridge too, if you want that."

I washed my hands before taking the apron off. Opening the fridge, I noticed that it was bare except for a couple of bottles of beer and a few of containers of banchan with the one marked radish kimchi being the largest. Maybe my father and I were more alike than I originally thought... All these side dishes were my favourites from childhood. I pulled out the spinach salad, the pickled pink radish, cabbage kimchi and radish kimchi. I pulled out four small bowls and started spooning a little of each in each one before putting them all on the table. I sat down and waited for the food to be ready, wondering if I should have kept my bag in the car, in case I needed to leave later.

I was still thinking about this when Appa placed the fish on the table, then the rice. He rubbed his left shoulder as he sat down, and feelings of guilt ate me up. For not knowing how my Appa has been. For not caring. As a son it was my duty to worry about my parents but my selfishness at times made it so that I wished to cut that part away. Just like I tried to push Na Jeong away... Just like I tried to push everyone away. I felt my father watching me as I took a bite of fish and a lump forming in my throat, I continued to eat in silence.

"How are you?" He asked. Was that concern in his voice? I lifted my head to see his eyes looking at me closely.

"Yes, Appa. The treatment worked. I still do physical therapy daily and it takes a bit of warming up, but yeah... It's good." I cleared my throat again. My father is perhaps the only person that still makes me nervous every single time. "Is your shoulder okay?"

"Yeah, yeah... It's fine," he answered dismissively. "It just hurts sometimes. I think the farming is what does it, and I'm certainly not getting any younger." He paused before continuing. "What brings you back to Korea? Did you get some time off?"

I hesitated to tell him what decision I've made. Though I don't need his approval or permission, I didn't want to deal with his disappointment still. Appa's opinion of me matters, no matter how much I wish it didn't.

"Appa... I decided to stay in Korea," I said. "I just realized that I already have a lot. My life is full... And I belong here."

"Because of your Na Jeong?" He asked. "What did I tell you about..."

"Not just because of her," I interrupted.

I knew where he was going with this conversation... I knew what he was going to say. And I knew how I would have responded had we been speaking like this years ago. It probably would have gone much like the last time I saw him, the night before he left Seoul to move to the country. He told me to forget baseball and find something else to do. I said nothing and walked out.

They say you can tell how much you love someone by the scars left on your tongue from holding angry words back. I must love my father a lot... Because I have two lifetimes' supply of scars on mine. My father is someone whom I loved and at times hated in the same amount and with the same intensity, at different points in my life. But looking at him now... I realized that there had never been any hate really. I mistook it, like I mistook a lot of things. Had he changed? Is that what it was? No. You've changed, I heard a voice whisper inside me. I realized that it was so much easier to judge and hold on to the anger when I was myself without fault. But no longer. I've been guilty of what he's done. I've done things to those I love without thinking and spewed angry words I didn't mean. I understand, now, what it meant to have fear overtake me... But I also know now what it meant to be loved for everything I am. I've been given the gift of forgiveness by the one person who had borne the brunt of my bitterness. Na Jeong gave me that. Na Jeong taught me that.

Appa needs to know what that's like too. I looked at his hands, the only thing I've inherited from him, strong and steady. Hands that never held mine as a child but toiled in work instead. I saw that they were brown and calloused now, just like mine, and I felt a sudden kinship with my father. Na Jeong was right. Scars exist everywhere and the deepest ones cannot be seen. How many more scars does he have that no one knew about? Who will tell him it's okay to let go of the past?

"Appa..." I began, and watched as he took a sip of water. "I didn't stay just because of Na Jeong. I couldn't leave because... Well... Omma's here..." His eyes met mine in understanding and he nodded. "... And you're here." Surprise flitted over his features before he hid back behind his mask. Trying to keep my tone light, I continued, "You said yourself you're not getting any younger. Your shoulder is acting up now... Pretty soon it will be your back. Who's going to piggyback you to the doctor's? Who will take over your apple farm? I can't be a proper son from a few thousand miles away. Aigoo... You might get angry and haunt me from your grave." When he didn't respond, I feared that I said the wrong thing, anticipating a chiding for being so candid. I looked up at him and saw a small smile on his face.

"So you see? I had no choice but to stay. The money they offered was good, and I know that you would have taken it, but Appa, in a few years I will have more money than I can do with and I'll be secure in life, just as I know you've always wanted me to be... So you don't have to worry about that. I can afford passing up on that. What I can't afford is losing a couple more years away from the people I love and the people who love me. I don't want to regret not being here with all of you. I've missed too much already. I don't want to miss any more."

My father remained silent for a few minutes before he spoke again. "You're all grown up," he commented offhandedly. "Next thing you'll be telling me you're about to get married..." he joked.

"Appa... About that. I will be getting married. I'm going to ask Na Jeong to marry me in a few days and hopefully she'll say yes," I said quietly. "You're probably going to tell me I'm too young and my career still too unstable to be doing that, but I'm ready... And I think she is, too." At the thought of Na Jeong I felt my face break out into a smile.

"What have you got planned?" He asked curiously. "Women like big gestures."

"Appa... I don't have anything big planned. Maybe just a dinner at a restaurant and give her Lee Sang Min tickets with the promise that I will forever support her fangirling. And maybe give her the baseball she wrote on years ago... She's very laidback and very practical..."

"Yah... Isn't this your proposal too? It will be your memory too. Go big or go home. I remember that time when I proposed to Omma..." He stopped talking and started reminiscing a moment before continuing. "The Kim men are not known for subtlety. She'll have to get used to that. Like in business, you have to show your best hand and ensure that she wouldn't say no," he responded. What? Who is this person now sitting in front of me talking about proposals like it's a business merger of sorts?

"Well... I kind of thought that if I were to propose, I would do it like this..." I continued to speak and share what my dream proposal was and I watched, amused, as Appa fully immersed himself in my plans, offering advice and nodding in agreement. This situation felt surreal and I sat back on my chair, as if seeing my father for the first time. Who knew my father was such a romantic? This must be the side that Omma fell in love with, I realized. It's only now that it hit me how it must have been for the two of them before the stress of life overwhelmed them both.

When I was done speaking, he sat back and said, "That's better. You have to give it your best. She has to know how much you love her."

"I think she already knows, but yeah... It's my memory too," I said and we shared a chuckle. Appa resumed eating and I did as well, picking up the last bit of radish kimchi. Realizing that my father barely has had any, I held the bowl in both hands and offered it to him. "Appa... You can have this."

"I don't like radish kimchi," he said, declining the food and picking up some fish. "Never have."

"You have a big container of it in your fridge. Did someone give it to you?" I asked, putting it over my rice and tasting it. "It's pretty good." Not like Na Jeong's or my Omma's, but pretty close. "They even put it in big chunks just as I like."

"I made it," he responded, not looking at me.

"Why would you make something you don't like?" I asked. "Isn't that wasteful? Is there someone around here who likes it? You should just..."

"My son loves radish kimchi," he interjected quietly.

He smiled at me when he met my eyes. I was touched and rendered speechless. I haven't visited my father in five years... So the whole five years... He made this kimchi waiting for the day I visited? But of course... I never did. Regret coursed through my veins painfully but I allowed myself to feel it. Because now I know it will only be brief and temporary. I have this chance now to change the direction of our future.

"Appa... It's really really delicious," I said hoarsely. "I'm sorry I never visited until today."

"It's okay. This is your home. You're always welcome here. Appa is not very good at talking..." He finished his meal and stood up to take his plate to the sink. He reached into a cabinet for a giant bottle of rice liquor before turning to me. "Should we have a drink to celebrate your proposal?"

"Yes," I said. I want to celebrate that, and this, too.

I watched with a smile as my Appa poured us our drinks and sat back down. It wasn't until we were on our third round that I realized I never shared a drink with my father before, that I barely had spent any time with him to even allow myself to know him. All fixable, I heard Na Jeong's voice say in my head and I looked at my father only to see him looking back at me. He smiled and I mirrored him. Happiness is a choice and I'm choosing it now.

## December 31, 2001

## 9:15 p.m.

## Jae Joon

I am the luckiest man alive. The luckiest. It's been a few minutes since my proposal, and I still quite couldn't believe Na Jeong said yes. Hold on... She did say yes, right?

I look over at her and she looked giddy and happy. She had a wondrous smile on her beautiful face and her cheeks were flushed.

"Na Jeong-ah... Just to make sure... You did say yes, right?" I asked her, studying her face for any sign of hesitation or misgiving. She met my eyes directly before she responded.

"Joon-ah... I already told people I was marrying you long before we were even together. What do you think?" She replied.

That's true, I thought, grinning. I love this woman. I watched as an even bigger smile came over her face. She lifted her left hand to the light and I patted myself for picking a ring that was as unique as her. We continued walking hand in hand on the dimly lit path when I saw her gazing at the building that housed the indoor basketball court. Looking like she's remembering something, she bit her lip before turning curious eyes at me.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi..." She said with a stern voice. "Was this whole thing tonight a plot so you can propose?"

"Yes," I replied, turning around to face her.

"But... What would you have done if I had gone to the basketball court? That was clearly the answer to the last hint."

"I knew you wouldn't be able to resist coming here first. I know you." And I do. I knew she would take one look at the baseball stadium and decide to go there instead. And she still claims to love Sang Min Hyung as much as she loves me. HA!

"But... Why didn't you do it somewhere with a roof? What if it had been snowing, or even windy? This wouldn't work."

I had to hold myself back from laughing in amusement. Trust Na Jeong to critique my proposal. Of course she would think of all the possibilities. Not me, though. I just forge ahead. If it was snowing... Well I would have been screwed. If it was windy then it would have been dark. Why didn't I think about this? But still... I frowned at her.

"Yah... I'm only proposing once in my life. Don't I get to have a say on where it happens? Why would I propose in a basketball court? I play baseball, not basketball."

"And whose fault is that?" She asked cheekily. "I told you years and years ago to switch."

"YAAHHH..." This woman... I shook my head at her. This is what I'm going to have to live with for the rest of my life. Thank God.

We continued walking until she cleared her throat and spoke.

"Joon-ah... I just need to know one thing."

I paused and stared at her, realizing only now that the speech I had written was still in my pocket. I'm not really good with flowery words, so I had to stay up all night to write a few things down. Too bad I got tongue tied when I saw her standing on the bleachers. She had looked a little dazed, a little confused. Bewilderment showed in her features and I had wondered for one minute if she thought she was dreaming when she rubbed her eyes. Afraid she would convince herself that she was just imagining me, I sped ahead with my proposal.

Did she... Did she need the words? I didn't even say the three words I swore I would say at the very least. I can fix that now, if that's what she needs to hear. I would do anything for her.

"Yes, I love you very much," I said gently as I looked at her upturned face.

"I already knew that. I love you too. But... What I really want to know is," she paused and took a deep breath, "Does this mean I didn't win Lee Sang Min Oppa's season tickets?"

I looked at her incredulously before breaking out into a wide grin. My woman knows her priorities.

"I got them... Did you think I was going to come empty-handed?" I answered as I pulled the tickets out of my pocket. "Do you think I want to die?"

Holding them up for her to see, she took them quickly and slipped it into her purse without a thank you even. I was about to grumble when she grabbed the lapels of my tuxedo and pulled me closer. Our faces inches from each other she placed a soft kiss on my eyes and my nose. I watched as her gaze dropped to my lips and she leaned in to place her lips on mine even as my arms tightened around her. I closed my eyes as every memory of Na Jeong drifted through my consciousness, from the moment I met her until now. Her heart beating against my chest I relished the feel of her hands, now cupping my face close. My mouth moulded with hers as her scent wrapped around me.

"Aigoo... Look at these two," I heard someone's voice say behind us. Samcheonpo. There were other voices, too, which registered as I opened my eyes. Na Jeong opened hers too to see our friends standing not far from us, watching. They were all smiling as they walked over, and I watched as Yoon Jin pulled Na Jeong into a tight hug.

She was ushered to the side by the women as the men gathered around me to congratulate us. Jin Yi Noona and Ae Jung were admiring her ring when she met my eyes across the way and gave me a smile. As always when I see those magnificent eyes on me, it felt like time stood still as the noise around us dissipated and all that existed was Na Jeong.

"... And this bad guy of course had to propose in such a way that we have to clean up after," Haitai complained as I zoned back onto the conversation around me. "Why can't you just propose like regular people? Like in a restaurant or something? Or better yet, like Samcheonpo did, at the boarding house?" He shook his head as he grabbed Ae Jung to walk back to the baseball field, mumbling to himself.

"Yah... Chilbong-ah, don't worry about him. He's just mad because now Ae Jung is going to expect a proposal like this," Samcheonpo said.

I watched as Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo, as well as Binggrae and Jin Yi Noona walked behind Haitai and Ae Jung, with Na Jeong closely following. She turned around and looked at me before holding her hand out. Warmth suffused me as I realized that I would be holding her hand for the rest of my life. Interlocking our fingers together, we walked closely behind our friends back towards the baseball stadium. 500 candles, I thought, what the hell was I thinking? Shaking my head, we walked back towards the stadium in silence.

Glancing at her, Na Jeong's face appeared lost in thought. I was about to ask her what she was pondering so deeply when she spoke.

"Joon-ah... When did you come home?"

"I came back five days ago. I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I wanted it to be a surprise," I answered. "I had some things I needed to take care of."

"We'll need to tell Omma and Appa... And Omonim too. Maybe even Abonim?" She asked carefully. I love that she worried for my feelings but didn't push. I turned her to me carefully before pulling her close.

"I spoke to everyone. I asked your parents for permission." When she looked at me disbelievingly, I continued. "Yah... Did you not think I was going to do this properly? Don't worry about my parents... I spoke to them too. Omma wants to see us for dinner sometime this week."

"And Abonim?"

"I went to see him a few days ago. We'll drive up next weekend so you can meet him." When her eyes clouded over in concern, I smoothed her brows and kissed her forehead. "Don't worry. It went fine."

"But..."

"We'll talk about it later, hmm? We have another New Year to celebrate and I want to enjoy it with our friends and the woman who just agreed to become my wife." She smiled at me and I pressed a soft kiss on her lips. Rubbing my thumb on her lower lip as I pulled away, I looked at her face as she looked at me, her eyes appearing like they are drinking in the sight of me. I felt them travel over my face, each glance like a warm embrace. "Jagiya... Should we all just go back to the apartment after this? They helped me so much, and I want to thank them," I said.

"All of us?" She asked. "Not just the two of us?" She bit her lip and I had to smile.

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi... You will have me all to yourself every day after we're married. You'll be begging for some time away from me then."

"Not every day. Joon-ah.. About San Francisco. .."

"Are you guys just going to stand there while we blow out these candles and pack them up?" Samcheonpo yelled out. "Aigoo..."

"You sure you want to ring in the New Year with these people?" Na Jeong asked. I chuckled and nodded. "WE'RE COMING! Aishhh... This punk..."

A few more expletives came out of her lips and I started laughing. I would have been taken aback but for the fact that I adore hearing all those sparks flying out of her mouth, and she looks so pretty with her face flushed with anger.

"Jagiya... Calm down, hmm? Let's get this done so we can start the year right. I called Jung Gook Hyung as well... He and Yoo Mi-ssi are meeting us at the apartment in..." I looked at my watch, "... 45 minutes."

"You are really something else, you know that?" She commented, trying to sound annoyed. "Did you think about whether or not I want to be around all these people for New Year's? You're going to be leaving again soon, and I want to spend as much time with you as possible."

"Na Jeong-ah, we'll talk about it later. I promise." I pressed a hard kiss on her mouth. "Let's go."

## December 31, 2001

## 10:45 p.m.

## Na Jeong

I rummaged the kitchen drawer looking for some takeout menus. In the living room, the gang sat around drinking as they watched television. Where are all those menus? I opened drawer after drawer and proceeded to find a menu here and a menu there. Joon needs to organize this stuff. On second thought he might not need to... It's not as if he will be staying here longer than a couple of months anyway before he has to go back to train. Speaking of which... I should probably start saving up money now so I can visit him again for my birthday. Maybe while in San Francisco I can start looking for jobs. The thought of being away from my family and friends makes me sad, but it really is time for Joon and I to start our future together. Maybe I should start...

"What's taking so long, Na Jeong-ah?" I heard him ask from behind me before I felt strong arms wrap around my waist. I closed my eyes and relished the sensation before responding.

"Joon-ah... Why are all the menus in a million different places? When we're married I'm going to organize this mess," I complained. "Should I get a binder?"

"You can do anything you want... With the apartment... With me... I'll let you do everything," he whispered behind me. He brushed my hair to one side before placing a kiss on the curve of my neck. My heart started racing in response as I leaned back against him. "In my mind I already married you. So you can do anything to your heart's desire. Whatever makes uri Na Jeong-ie happy."

"There are people here... People you invited. You can't speak to me like this. It's not fair." He continued to run his fingers up and down my arms and sparks of pleasure travelled the length of my spine.

"Sorry, Na Jeong-ah... I can't help it. You make me really really happy," he said, allowing his arms to fall away. I turned around to see those beautiful eyes on me. "Did you find what you were looking for?"

I nodded and held out the menus. Looking at his handsome face, I added. "It was right in front of me this whole time, right under my nose. But I found it just in time. Lucky me."

I got the feeling he knew I wasn't talking about the menus anymore when his eyes darkened and the fingers on my waist tightened momentarily. This is really a horrible time to have people around. I've missed his face and his hands. I don't feel quite right when he's not here. I can't believe he's been home for almost a week and didn't tell me.

"Yah, Kim Jae Joon... I'll let you off this time, but the next time you lie to me, you're dead."

"I didn't lie," Joon replied defensively. "I just didn't tell you."

"Are we arguing semantics now?" I asked, frowning at him. "You know what I meant." He looked like he was searching for the right thing to say.

"Yah... " I heard Oppa call out, and I could have sworn that Joon breathed a sigh of relief. "Will you two hurry up? We're getting hungry over here."

I watched as he walked to join the others in the living room, long strides still encased in fitted tuxedo pants. As if knowing I was watching him, he loosened the bow on his shirt slowly before undoing the top button on his shirt. He looked over his shoulder as he shrugged out of his jacket and met my eyes. Jesus. Please help me. This confident Joon never fails to surprise me. He's going to be my husband. My husband! I shook my head at myself as I walked to the living room. Avoiding his eyes, I sat on the floor next to Yoon Jin and placed the menus on the table. My cheeks felt flushed and I felt an absurd need to fan myself.

"What should we have?" Haitai asked, unaware of the fact that I desired nothing more than to throw everyone out. He picked up a menu. "Hmm... This should be good. They serve a lot, too. And they're not too far from here." Yoon Jin plucked the menu from his hand and started reading through it.

"I want some bossam," she said decisively. Everyone nodded their assent, except for me.

"No... I don't eat bossam."

"Jokbal then?" Binggrae asked. "I haven't had that in a while, and it would go perfectly with the beer and liquor we have. Plus..."

He motioned to the bottles of alcohol we bought before coming home. Home... When did I start thinking of this apartment as home? I suppose I should get used to it... Since this will be mine and Joon's first home as a married couple. Even if we lived abroad, we would still come back here.

"...Na Jeong-ah... Is that okay? We're going to order jokbal."

"I don't eat that either, but it's okay... We may still have some ramyun here."

"Who's going to order?" Samcheonpo asked, pulling his phone out.

"I'll do it. I have their number saved on my phone," Joon offered, grabbing the menu and pressing some buttons on his phone. "Yes, hello... Is this Song Goon Restaurant? Yes I would like to place an order..." He walked to the kitchen and I listened to him as he gave the restaurant the apartment address. "What would I like? Hmm, one large serving of jokbal, please. Yes." He met my eyes over the counter and winked at me. "Some ddukbokki too. Yes. 15 minutes? Oh... Can you make sure we get extra shredded radish please? Yes, thank you. My name? Ahh... It's Kim Jae Joon. Really? Thank you very much. We'll see you soon."

"Joon-ah... You didn't have to order ddukbokki. I would have been perfectly eating ramyun," I said as he made his way next to me. He eased himself down to the floor and nudged my shoulder.

"Yah... You can't celebrate with that. How will that make me look if I don't take care of my Na Jeong-ie?" He asked teasingly. "You love ddukbokki anyway. As if you would ever say no."

"You're right," I conceded.

"What was that?" He asked. "I hear that so rarely I should probably mark this day in my memory."

"It's not my fault you're wrong a lot," I said to him as he chuckled before turning my attention to Yoo Mi Unnie. "How's work going, Unnie? I haven't seen you in a while. I thought you wise up and broke up with Oppa..."

"Yah..." Oppa said, throwing a dried fish at me. "Why are you saying things like that? I'm a good guy."

Next to me Joon was talking to Samcheonpo and Haitai about something, but his hand continued to hold mine. I smiled at Oppa before Yoo Mi Unnie spoke.

"But Na Jeong-ah... Has he always been this messy? I went to his apartment last week and I thought he'd been robbed." She shook her head vigorously as if remembering the image and I had to stop myself from laughing out loud. Yeah... I had that same reaction too. "He said it's because he's been working a lot."

Before I could even respond, Binggrae answered the question for me. Sitting on the couch with his eyes firmly on the television, he said, "We don't call him Sseureki for nothing Yoo Mi-ssi.."

Everyone burst out laughing and Oppa looked like he was about to tackle Binggrae. Did Oppa know? That Joon asked me to marry him? I don't want to make anything awkward now that he and Joon are back in each other's good graces, but I probably need to say something. A little nervous, I coughed and cleared my throat.

"Oppa," I started to say as his eyes met mine over the coffee table. "Joon..."

"Na Jeong-ah..." Oppa interrupted. "Joon asked me if it was okay if he asked you to marry him. Judging from the rock that almost blinded me when I came in, it's safe to assume you said yes." He smiled at us both. "Congratulations, you two. Be happy." He proceeded to pour shots for all of us before he lifted it up in the air. "Should we have a drink to their engagement?"

Everyone picked up their shots and relieved, I turned to Joon. "You asked for permission to marry me from Oppa?"

"I told you... I was going to do this right. He's your Oppa, and I needed to give him his respect as such," he answered.

I listened vaguely as the conversation flowed around me, distracted by Joon's fingers on my palm. He brought my hand to his lips and I remembered everything... Surrounded by all our friends, I almost forgot why we were all here to begin with. Every memory of Joon came crashing back to me... and I felt tears come to my eyes. What a journey it has been and it was just beginning. I will become Kim Jae Joon's wife. There is no one else I wanted to spend my life loving and looking in his eyes it felt like I just had a taste of forever and always. His palm up holding mine, I traced I love you onto it, just like he's done for me, and met his surprised eyes. His face broke out into a slow smile.

We were there again... On the floor of my parent's house the first time he gave me a massage... At the bus stop in Samcheonpo, the first time he kissed me... In the living room upstairs, kissing against Bing's door... Outside, having a snowball fight.... By LG Tower, holding each other close in the rain... In San Francisco, making love against his windows... In the park, having a picnic... And just a little while ago, at the baseball stadium, giddy with love and happiness.

What to do? I fall deeper in love with Joon the more I know him... For everything he was, everything he is and for all that he could become. What else is there to do? The little voice inside my head replied. You marry him. Was there really ever a choice? I smiled to myself and then at Joon, who was still looking at me tenderly.

"I'm marrying you," he said with a husky voice as my hand cupped his face.

"There's no escaping me now," I declared. "You sure you can handle it?"

"You sure you can handle me?"

"Yah... Of course I can... I'm Sung Na Jeong..."

The doorbell rang and Joon stood up before grabbing his wallet from the coffee table. I watched as he walked to door and asked myself again if it would be rude to throw guests out just before New Year's. I shook my head at my thoughts. No need for impatience now, Na Jeong. You have the rest of your lives together. That's true, I said to myself. That we do.

## December 31, 2001

## 11:40 p.m.

## Jae Joon

I watched from the kitchen as Na Jeong downed another shot. Aishhh... That girl. Why is she drinking so much? I heard her laughing as I deposited some trash into the bin and I couldn't help but smile. It's so rare that we all get to be here together... Of course she will want to enjoy herself. I can hardly penalize her for it because if we hadn't drank two years ago, we wouldn't be where we are now. Granted, she wasn't really drunk and neither was I, but fuelled by liquid courage, that moment changed our lives forever.

One moment. One chance. One kiss. It had been all we needed... And I wonder sometimes still what would have happened had I not come back to the boarding house, as I had originally planned on doing. I was still thinking about this when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see Jung Gook Hyung behind me.

"Joon-ah... Sit down with me for a minute," he said. "Just two minutes."

I did as he asked and sat down. He pulled out two beers from the fridge and opened one before placing it in front of me. Na Jeong had warned me about sharing a drink with Hyung but I feel perfectly fine and this is only beer, so I should be safe. Taking a sip of the beer, I watched as he placed a small box in front of me.

"What's this?" I asked, looking at it suspiciously. He took a sip of his own beer before he responded.

"Late Christmas gift? Ahh, maybe early birthday gift," he responded. "Open it."

I nodded and picked it up hesitantly. I could feel his eyes on me as I opened the box and lifted the tissue on top, only to find my baseball nestled in some more tissue paper.... The baseball I gave him for safekeeping almost seven years ago, before I even left for Japan.

"Hyung..." I said.

I searched my mind for the right thing to say and unable to come up with anything, I just remained quiet, staring at the ball. I lifted it up from the box and touched it for the first time in years... The ball that always reminded me to work hard and persevere. The ball that always encouraged me when I was down to get up and try again, as many times as I had to.

"How does it feel to have it back?" He asked.

"This baseball?" I asked, meeting his eyes. He nodded and raised his eyebrows at me and taken aback by his question, I had to honestly think it through before responding.

"It feels... Good," I said and he started chuckling. "Hyung... I'm not good with describing emotions... What was I supposed to say? It doesn't feel bad, and it makes me happy to see it again. This ball meant a lot to me... It still does."

"Does it feel like victory? This was one of those things that marked when we stopped being friends and became competition to each other. Does it feel like you won?" He asked this with no judgment in his voice... as if he was truly curious as to what my response will be.

"You would think that's how I would feel, but surprisingly, I don't. Baseball was all I had a long time ago, but I don't think that's the case anymore. I have everything I want, even without baseball. Na Jeong, my parents, Appa and Omma, Sook Sook... Binggrae and all our friends, you and Jun Jin Hyung. It took me a little while to see it, but it feels like my eyes have opened up in the last few months, and I can finally see everything clearly. Baseball is what I do... It's a part of who I am but it's not everything I am. And I'm okay with that." I took another sip of beer. "I'm sorry for making you feel like I was challenging you years ago. I should have just told you straight out to love and take care of Na Jeong. She was just as precious to me then as this ball."

"And now?"

"Now she is priceless... Incomparable. But I won't be needing to entrust her to anyone else. I will always recognize her for what and who she is... Hyung..." I continued as I watched him finish off his beer. "... She was nervous about telling you about our engagement... I felt her hands clam up. Thank you for making it easier for her. And for me, too." I placed the ball back in the box and slid it to him. "You can keep this if you want... It always encouraged me whenever I was having a hard time... Maybe it will do the same for you. Besides, it's not as if it hasn't been yours the last few years anyway."

He smiled before he stood up. "It was never mine. You handed it to me years ago to take care of, but I think it's time that it be returned to where it belongs, to the person it always belonged to," he responded.

He winked at me before going back to the living room and I watched as he sat back down next to Yoo Mi Unnie. She whispered something in his ear, and he smiled at her before placing a kiss on her forehead.

"I'll be right back," I called out as I picked the box up from the kitchen table. "I just have to put my ball away." Distracted by the television, no one even acknowledged me. I glanced at the clock and saw that we were five minutes to New Year. I was making my way to the bedroom when I felt a hand on my arm dragging me into the laundry room.

"Do you know what time it is, Kim Jae Joon?" She asked tipsily, her tongue peeking out to lick her lips and her hazel eyes soft. "It's almost midnight." She walked towards me and started running a finger over my jaw. "You're so so SO so SO so pretty..."

"Jagiya... I was just going to put this away before I joined everyone in the living room. Are you okay?" I asked. "You look flushed... I think you've had enough to drink. We don't want you biting people now, do we?" I rubbed my thumb on her cheek and she gave me a lopsided smile.

"I'm tipsy... I feel really really good. Yah... Why didn't you tell me you kissed me before Samcheonpo?" I looked at her in surprise to see her eyes looking back at me owlishly. "You know what you are, Kim Jae Joon-ssi? You're a thief! You stole my first kiss... Then you stole my heart! And you didn't even tell me about it!" She clucked her tongue at me before grabbing the collar of my shirt. "It's time to pay me back. I'm taking back your stolen kiss!"

"Is that right?" I asked, in dialect, like I always do, and smiled when her brows furrowed into a frown on her forehead. "Our friends are right outside though..."

"Is that right? He says with a straight face, as if he doesn't know how sexy he sounds saying it... Your voice gets all husky and it drops another octave whenever you say that... It makes me feel like I'm cold and hot all at once. Did you know that?" She asked and I shook my head no. "It makes me feel like my heart is going to explode in my chest because it's racing so fast... And... Oh! What's the time now? How close are we to midnight?"

I looked at my watch and had to chuckle. This is just like deja vu. "Not long now... We have ten seconds. Should we count down? 10...9....8..."

"I'm not drunk and I do know what I'm doing... Joon-ah, do you remember saying that? That's me now. I am NOT drunk and I also know what I'm doing. When the clock strikes midnight I will kiss you like I plan on doing every day of my life. I'm not as considerate as you though... You don't get to run away. Not just tonight but forever. Sorry." I felt her hands grasp my collar more tightly as she allowed herself a look at my watch. "....3... 2...1..."

"Happy New..." I started to say but she fused her mouth with mine before I could even complete the sentence.

Her mouth persuasive and teasing, she let her tongue drift over my lips before meeting mine. Baseball forgotten, I heard a thump on the floor when I dropped the box. One of my hands went straight to her hair, and I ran my fingers leisurely through the tresses as she moaned into my mouth. My other hand settled on the side of her neck, feeling her pulse jump wildly under my fingers. Her arms wrapped around over my shoulders as I savoured the taste of her mouth. The taste of strawberry and soju registered on my tongue as I sucked on hers and her fingers, restless now, began to score my back. I kept my eyes on her face, relishing the way she looked with her eyes closed in surrender.

When my hand travelled just under her breast and settled over her ribcage she sighed and I felt a pulse of satisfaction roll through my veins. I pressed our bodies closer together even as desire pounded through me. My hands firmly on her waist, I lift her onto the washing machine and her long, long legs wrapped around my waist. She opened her eyes, and hazel eyes darkened with passion met mine. She ran one of her hands tenderly over my face and the other through my hair. She smiled and my heart stopped. Her lips looked tender and soft, her eyes focused intently on me. Her eyes never breaking our gaze, she let her hands roam over my chest, her fingers hovering over my abdomen. I tightened involuntarily and she gave a self-satisfied chuckle.

"I wonder, Kim Jae Joon-ssi... What else you will allow me to do..." She whispered. I felt her hand travel dangerously close to the front of my pants and I debated whether to let her or not. Yes, definitely yes. I leaned over her and allowed myself to place a kiss on her neck. She moved her head to one side to give me greater access and I breathed her scent in. Her wandering hand cupped my arousal confidently and I closed my eyes. Dangerous, dangerous game. "Joon-ah..." She said.

"Hmm?" I asked as my mouth hovered over a breast. What colour bra would she be wearing today?

"Joon-ah," she whispered huskily again before I lifted my eyes to look at her. Her eyes darted to the door and I wondered if she felt shy all of a sudden. I followed her gaze and saw what she was looking at. There were shadows of feet visible in the gap between the floor and the door. "I think we may have an audience."

She smiled at me before she shakily jumped off the washing machine and straightened her skirt. Putting a finger to her lips, she crept to the door before opening it. Haitai jumped in surprise and Samcheonpo walked quickly to the kitchen. I turned away to try to get my arousal calmed down, and I heard Na Jeong yelling at Haitai.

"What were you doing outside the door?" I heard her say demandingly. "This is an invasion of privacy!"

"Oww, oww, Na Jeong-ah," he screeched and myself fully back in control, I turned around just in time to see her drag him off by the ear. "We were just making sure you're okay..."

"Checking, my ass... Is that why your ear was pressed against the door?"

"Na Jeong-ah... You're going to be someone's wife! Calm down!" Haitai said before hiding behind Ae Jung.

By the time I walked back to the living room, I felt eyes watching me in amusement before conversation awkwardly began again. Sheepish, I sat down a few feet away from where Na Jeong now sat and tried to watch whatever was on the television. Binggrae put a shot in front of me and I downed it gratefully. I need something cold to drink... Or thrown over me.

"Joon-ah," Jin Yi Noona said drily. "I didn't realize it took that long... Or that it took two people to put one measly ball away."

All around me, everyone laughed and I felt myself flush in embarrassment. Na Jeong, however, stayed expressionless on the floor. "Unnie, sometimes the ball is not so measly... And it might require a bit of help," she responded cheekily. She smirked at me and I started laughing.

Looking around at the people I considered family and friends, I realized that my life, really, has just begun. I took another swig of the liquor poured in front of me by Samcheonpo and said a silent, grateful prayer to the powers that be for great friends and New Year's Eves.

## January 1, 2002

## 2:15 a.m.

## Na Jeong

"Omma?" I answered, double checking the time. "Why are you still up and calling at this time?"

"Appa and I watched the New Year's Eve program on TV and we started drinking... Since Sook Sook is asleep and it's just the two of us now, why not?" She answered. "How did it go?"

"How did what go?" I teased. I can't believe that my parents managed to hide the fact that Joon asked them for permission to marry me for this long. No wonder they kept asking me where I was going yesterday morning. "The contest went well. I won my tickets."

As I waited for her response, I heard my father in the background whispering furiously. "What's she saying? What did she say?" I heard Omma telling him to shut up before coming back on the line. "Really? Ahh... I'm so happy it worked out well for you... Are you coming ho..."

"Oh, I also agreed to marry Joon." I said nothing else and waited for a reaction. There was a moment of silence before Omma gave a shriek of joy.

"What happened? What happened?" I heard Appa say in the background. "She said yes!" Omma told him. "I knew our daughter was smart!" Appa responded back to her. I think Omma may have passed him the phone because the next thing I knew, I heard him clearing his throat before he spoke. "Na Jeong-ah. You've done Appa proud."

"Aigoo... You're just happy Joon is going to become your son-in-law officially. You would marry him yourself if you could."

"YAH! SUNG NA JEONG!" He replied curtly then his voice softened. "Congratulations! Omma is grabbing the phone away but tell... Uhmm... Tell my son to come see Appa again soon, hmm? Tell him to come visit at my job so I can introduce..." His voice dripped with saccharine sweetness and I had to shake my head.

"Na Jeong-ah... Don't listen to Appa. Tell Joon to come to the house! And invite his Omma too! We have to start planning..." Omma started rattling on about lists and guests and I felt myself zoning out. I'm still just recovering from his proposal. I want to try to enjoy this moment as long as possible.

"Omma, we have plenty of time," I interrupted. "I have to go... It's time to start sending everyone home. I won't be home till tomorrow, okay?"

"Have a good night. Kiss Joon on the cheek for me!"

"No kissing!" I heard Appa call out.

"Good night," I said, smiling. I looked at our picture, still on Joon's bedside table. After that kiss in the laundry room, I was ready to close this deal. Soon as we send the gang home. I picked up my perfume bottle and spritzed some on before walking out the bedroom to see the women congregated in the kitchen.

They all turned annoyed eyes at me and I followed the direction of their gazes to the living room, where the men are in various states of unconsciousness. Surely they're all not drunk. Surely even if they were all drunk, Joon isn't...

I walked over to the living room and tapped on his shoulder. No response. I can't believe this happened again. I thought he could handle it... I could have sworn he was still sober a few minutes ago... Talking all calmly with the boys, who at that time only seemed mildly inebriated. Yes, they were all talking about five different topics all at once but they all seemed coherent and lucid. I was shaking my head and trying my best to tamp down an insane need to throttle Joon when I felt Yoon Jin join me in the living room, hands on her hips.

"How is this even possible?" I asked. "We only bought two bottles of soju precisely to avoid this. I thought we were all drinking beer." I looked around the table and spotted more bottles of soju.

She shrugged her shoulders in response before Yoo Mi Unnie spoke.

"Jung Gook brought seven bottles with us... Said his dongsaengs are getting married and we needed to celebrate," she explained.

"THIS is why Oppa and Joon are not allowed to drink together anymore," I said, irritated. "The last time they drank together the same thing happened."

"They get all competitive and try to outdo each other," Ae Jung said, next to Jin Yi Unnie. "What are we going to do?"

"Should we let them sleep it off? None of us are strong enough to help them all downstairs and into cabs then out of the cabs into our apartments," Jin Yi Unnie said.

"Na Jeong-ah... Sorry," Yoo Mi Unnie said and I brushed it off.

"Unnie... It's not your fault that they're idiots. Haitai can't go home like that... Appa will kill him." I started picking up the bottles littering the floor and bringing them into the kitchen, with the women following suit. "Should we all have some tea? Or coffee? We'll give them an hour and decide what to do, hmm? I could use the female company anyway. It's been a while since we all got to hang out together... And this is the first time Yoo Mi Unnie is joining us."

They all nodded and sat themselves down at the table while I put the kettle to boil. I heard Jin Yi Unnie asking Yoon Jin about Dong Min while Ae Jung and Yoo Mi Unnie talking about a drama they were both watching.

In front of the counter, I stood waiting for the water to boil. I cannot believe Joon got drunk. On the night of our engagement. After he hasn't seen me in nine days. I stirred the cups of tea in front of me a little more vigorously than I had intended and the clang from the spoon hitting the side of the cup startled even me. I had just put the spoon down when I felt someone join me the counter.

"Yah... I don't really think the tea needs that much stirring. Are you mad?" Yoon Jin asked. "Give the man a break... He just got back, just got engaged... You need to start getting used to their antics sometimes."

"You make it sound like he's the only one who could use a drink, Yoon Jin-ah. It hasn't exactly been unicorns and rainbows for me either. And it's the night we got engaged, shouldn't he celebrate with me?"

"Don't be selfish, Na Jeong-ah. Those guys... They've missed him too..." She responded. "You know that anyway. Did you guys get to talk about when you'll have the wedding?"

"No, not yet... I'm only assuming that it will be after this season. He didn't even get to tell me yet when he'll have to go back to San Francisco."

"So it's safe to say that you haven't broached the subject of where you'll live after the wedding?" She asked quietly.

"No, not yet... I can probably do the long distance thing for another year..."

"Your place will be with him, just like it's always been. You'll only make all of us miserable when he's gone and he won't be happy either. So... you should probably go wherever he is. Besides, it probably won't be the only time you'll have to move anyway. He's a baseball player after all."

I thought about it for a minute before I responded. "Yeah... Home is where Joon is. Appa and Omma did well without me when I was in Australia. They can come visit us." Even as I said it, I felt tears burn the back of my eyes. I looked over to her and she smiled at me before patting my hand reassuringly.

"We all have to grow up, right? It will be okay... You know that. Appa... Omma... Sook Sook... They will all understand. So will we." I saw her eyes glistening with tears and she cleared her throat before picking up two of the cups. "Let's drink these before they're cold."

I watched, overwhelmed with gratitude and love, as my best friend walked over to the table and carefully set the cups in front of Ae Jung and Yoo Mi Unnie. I picked up the two on the counter and gave them to Jin Yi Unnie and then lastly, to Yoon Jin, squeezing her hand as mine touched hers. Taking my own to the table with me, I sat down and listened to the voices all around me.

I realized with each passing day that I have been blessed, but never more so than now. Just like Joon's love gave me strength and courage, so did my bonds with the people I called friends. They've all seen me grow... They've all let me grow, always supportive, always encouraging. Friendship... Love... they're not different at all. I dare not think of how different my life would have been had they not been there through the happiest and saddest moments that I've had to go through.

And Yoon Jin... She is the sister of my heart. My brother Hoon may have been gone for a little while now, but he was still watching over me. Did he send all these people into my life to ensure that I was surrounded by love? Of that I am not so sure... But someone did. Someone definitely did.

## January 1, 2002

## 10:00 a.m.

## Jae Joon

I don't usually dream. At least not until recently. The nightmares and my memories... Those were all aberrancies. Proof that whatever was going on in my life was seeping into my subconscious. It hadn't always been so... When I was in San Francisco the first time around, I dreamt of Na Jeong, too. Not of her leaving, but always of her loving me back. I had dismissed those dreams as worthless follies of a foolish man, never actually thinking that she would ever reciprocate those emotions. I see her now, in my sleep, back in the baseball field. The moment I knew... What I had to do and who I was doing it for.

Unbelievably, it wasn't my proposal that I dreamt of. Instead it was the moment right before my pitch, before I the ball zoomed out of my hand... Before I knew that my fate has been linked back to baseball once more. My eyes had met hers and I knew that nothing else mattered. My destiny was looking at me in the face, replete with pride and love, with the promise of walking through sunny days, kissing in the rain and playing together in the snow. I saw visions of our children, with her eyes and my smile. I knew then, with certainty, that a beautiful life awaited me, if I was brave enough to take that chance and to make the change... To do what my heart was begging me to do.

My future had sat on the baseball bleachers, wearing my baseball cap, cheering for me. Just as she'd done for so long. Always on the side-lines, allowing me my glory... Never obstructing the sun from my eyes, but letting me soak in it for as long as I needed to. Loving me through my weakness, finding me through the darkness... Permitting me to fly higher, brighter... And even away if that's what I needed. Through her eyes I saw myself and for the first time, I liked who I saw, and was proud of who I was and who I had become. Even before the game started, I knew that no matter the outcome, I had already won.

I opened one of my eyes and smiled sleepily at Na Jeong, who was looking at me. Thinking I was still in the dream, I closed it again and tried to ignore the incessant pounding in my head. I tried to remember where I was and what had happened. The events of the last few days broke through my consciousness and I smiled. I had proposed, and she had accepted. Our friends and I coming back to the apartment and ordered food. Jung Gook Hyung giving me my ball back. Na Jeong's legs around me in the laundry room. Then... Nothing. The pounding intensified and I opened my eyes gingerly, thinking that I was alone in the bed.

Stormy hazel eyes met mine. Her lips were thinned into an irritated line and she was glaring at me. If eyes could kill... I would be a dead man. What time is it? I tried to roll over onto my back to reach for my phone to check the time when I heard her speak.

"Yah... Kim Jae Joon," she began. "What are you doing?"

I covered my eyes and willed my head to stop throbbing before I responded. Na Jeong has never been a quiet woman, but her voice sounded like it has increased in volume. "Jagiya..." I said, my voice hoarse. "What time is it?"

"Does it matter? You have somewhere else you need to be?"

"No..." I met her eyes and tried to figure out what the emotion was that I saw in them. I studied her face as I waited for her to answer, then allowed my eyes to travel down her graceful neck and to the creamy shoulder peeking out from under the covers. As if seeing what I was doing, she alluringly ran her fingers over her collarbone and brushed the hair that was covering her skin over one shoulder. Hang on... I thought she was angry... But maybe not that angry. She bit her bottom lip and my mouth watered.

"Joon-ah," she whispered. "Do you like what you see?"

I could only nod in response, wondering if that strap holding her nightgown together was as fragile as it looked.

"Well, then..." She said, shyly looking at me from under her lashes. "THAT'S TOO BAD!!!" Her gaze hardened while she screamed and she sat up on the bed, the frown back on her face.

Okay... Maybe she was that angry. "Na Jeong-ah... Jagiya... Please... Lower your voice. I feel like my head is going to explode."

"REALLY?!? GOOD!" She crossed her arms over her chest, exposing some more skin.

"Na Jeong-ah... What's the matter? Did I do something else last night?" She blinked at me without responding. "I apologize, whatever it is. Just don't be mad, hmm? I love you, jagiya... Don't be mad."

"What did I tell you about using that phrase all willy nilly whenever you think you're in trouble?"

"Well," I said, sitting up slowly. "It might help if you actually told me what I did. Then I'll know how much I have to apologize for."

She released a breath before replying. "You don't remember getting drunk with everyone?" When I shook my head no, she continued. "How about me having to drag you to bed?" Again, no. "I wanted to have a romantic night together. We just got engaged... And I wanted to..." She paused then pinkened adorably, "I wanted to... No matter. It doesn't matter. You were useless last night!"

"Na Jeong-ah... I'm sure if you let me know that, I would have sobered right up," I responded, chuckling.

"I did."

"Well... You should have just started then. You know I don't need that much persuading. Look... You even managed to take my clothes off and get me to bed. It wouldn't have taken much more to get me going. You know I'm crazy for you."

"I did."

"And what happened?"

"Nothing happened. You just kept yelling 'I love you, Sung Na Jeong'. I couldn't get any other response from you. And... More concerningly, I couldn't get a response from him," she said, looking pointedly at my groin. "You're not allowed to drink with Oppa ever again. I mean it."

"I'll make it up to you. You know I will." I wrapped an arm around her shoulder and though she resisted at first, she eventually softened and burrowed closer into my arms. "Just say when and I'll do it."

"When."

## January 1, 2002

## 10:15 a.m.

## Na Jeong

"Nothing happened. You just kept yelling 'I love you, Sung Na Jeong'. I couldn't get any other response from you. And... More concerningly, I couldn't get a response from him," I said, pointing delicately at his groin. I tried to look not so pleased at seeing that there seemed to be more activity down there now. "You're not allowed to drink with Oppa ever again. I mean it." He looked at me incredulously before his gaze relented.

"I'll make it up to you," he said soothingly. The man knows how to handle my ruffled feathers, and I tried to hide my smile. "You know I will." He wrapped a strong arm around my shoulder and just to make sure he treats me seriously, I resisted at first, then after a little while burrowed closer into his arms. "Just say when and I'll do it."

YES! I think I'm getting the hang of seducing Joon... Which is really, just by making him think he's seducing me instead. It's laughable how easy he is.

"When."

Before I could even say anything else, he had shifted his position quickly and laid on top of me, holding his weight up only by an elbow on the bed, by one side of my head. His broad shoulders and bare chest appeared silky smooth from the sunlight seeping into the bedroom and my fingers reached out to touch. His gaze focused on my face, I felt his arousal pressed against me insistently. Oh yes. Everything is definitely back in working order. I felt his free hand roam the side of my calf and up over my thigh, lifting my nightgown in the process. I felt teeth nipping on the side of my neck and I smiled. Hands lingered over the curve of my waist and I shrieked out loud.

"Joon-ah, that tickles!" I cried, trying to escape his fingers. He immediately stopped and attempted to look contrite.

"Is that right?" He asked in dialect, before wiggling his fingers towards me. "I still sound sexy, right?" I didn't respond and tried to push him off but was unsuccessful. "You told me last night it was sexy." His hands went back to my waist and continued tickling me as I laughed and tried to dodge him under his weight. When he finally stopped, I looked at him to see him watching me with a smile. He was leaning down to give me a kiss when I caught a whiff of alcohol and I turned my face away.

"Jagiya... You reek of alcohol. You're not kissing me with that mouth," I said. Seeing that he was about to complain, I added, a little more gently. "Go brush your teeth. Quick. Please. I want to kiss you. I love kissing you. Kissing you makes me happy."

He nodded and jumped off me before I could say anything else. I watched as he walked towards the bathroom then jumped up to put some lip gloss on. Just because the man will be my husband doesn't mean I should stop trying, right? I shook my hair loose to give myself softly tousled bed hair, even though I've been up for a little over an hour before he woke up. I rushed back to the bed and tried to assume a provocative pose, only to realize that half the time I try to be sexy I end up looking awkward that I just positioned myself on the bed sitting up. That being said, though, I still permitted myself to slide one strap down my shoulder. For effect. I needed to look effortlessly sexy. Like I just woke up looking like this.

Within a few minutes he walked back in the bedroom, eyes looking more awake, and no doubt with fresher breath. He climbed into bed and straight under the covers, then back on top of me again. Holding my hips, he slid me down the bed so that I was flat on my back. I love it when Joon takes control, I thought as I watched his eyes taking my face in and his hands cupped my bottom. So handsome.

"Comfortable?" He asked as he slid a pillow more firmly behind my neck.

"Perfect," I answered, my hands traveling down the expanse of his chest, his pectoral muscles smooth and strong under my fingers. "Utterly. Ridiculously. Perfect."

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and I closed my eyes as he bent down to kiss me. The scent and taste of mint hit my senses as soon as his lips touched mine. My lips softened in surrender as he teased them to open. Our tongues and breaths mingled and mated slowly, deliciously, sending little sparks of pleasure all over me.

I've missed him so much. I've missed this so much. With me not knowing whether he'll have to go back again soon, I felt an urgency but tamped it down, knowing that I need to enjoy our every moment like it's the last time.

His mouth on my neck brought me back to the present and I felt his hands lifting my nightgown up so he could get closer. As soon as the nightgown reached my waist I decided to take things into my own hands and slipped it over my head. I watched as his eyes darkened even more and feeling impatient, I slid his boxers down with my hands. I brought my lips to his chest even as I caressed his arousal and smiled when I heard him moan. So sexy.

Keeping my eyes closed, I allowed myself to get lost in the sensations that Joon was coaxing out of me. His hands and lips were everywhere, all at once... So much so that I felt like my whole being was thrumming with tension. He worshipped my body with his mouth and his fingers, and I have never felt more beautiful or loved. When he slipped the last remaining piece of my clothing off my hips, I whispered his name.

"Na Jeong-ah... Jagiya..." He said softly. "Open your eyes. I want to see your eyes."

I lifted my lids slowly and met his focused gaze. The love and warmth pouring out of his eyes touched something deep inside me and I started to tear up. I felt his calloused hand brush over my cheek as a tear fell.

"I love you, Kim Jae Joon. Uri Chilbong-ie. My Joon-ah." I smiled through the haze of tears and he bent down to take my lips tenderly as he slowly slipped inside me.

I wasn't quite sure myself if it was the certainty of the life I am about to start with him or the feeling of finally finding what I haven't even realized I've been missing most of my life... But feeling his body with mine, I felt pleasure, more intense than I've ever felt before. Our eyes stayed connected as he moved slowly at first, as if savouring the sensation.

The morning light hit his hair and made it appear more brown than black and caressed his cheekbones. I watched as he rose over me, strength and control in his every move, in every thrust. His dark head bent down to take my nipple's peak into his mouth and his hands roamed down my abdomen between us to touch the bud between my legs even as he continued to move inside me.

When I felt the pleasure building up, my fingers restlessly moved over his back and he slid back up to brace his arms on the bed as his hand cradled my head, his eyes interlocked with mine. His name like a prayer on my lips, I felt myself tighten around him as my body shattered into a million pieces. He was still moving, faster now, when I heard my name escape his tongue and felt him stiffen on top of me and another climax rolled through me.

Even after the storm had passed, he stayed on top of me, his weight pressed reassuringly over me. I ran my fingers through his hair and smiled when he gave a contented sigh. Like a cat who ate too much cream, his eyes closed into two lines as he rested his head on my chest. I allowed both of us some time to recover and closed my eyes as well. I felt him press a kiss on my collarbone before he sleepily opened one eye.

"Am I too heavy?" He asked. "Should I get off you? I don't want to cru..."

"Nope. You move an inch and I won't let you seduce me again. You stay right where you are."

"You sure?" When I nodded, a corner of his mouth lifted up. "You still have time to change your mind," he continued, in a more serious tone, and I knew he wasn't just talking about being on top of me anymore. My heart softened, knowing that Joon will always give me the choice. Which is sweet but unnecessary, since I will keep choosing him over and over again, if I had to.

"Never. I will never change my mind. I told you this over a year ago." I yawned sleepily and closed my eyes. "Joon-ah... Let's rest a little, okay? Just a few more minutes and we'll get up..."

"Okay," he responded, putting his arms more firmly around me. I felt his legs intertwined with mine and relished the feel of his heart echoing the same beat in my chest. This is so nice, I thought, as sleep overtook me once more.

## Four hours later

## Na Jeong

The next time I opened my eyes, Joon was no longer on top of me but lying on his side of the bed, still sleeping peacefully. Propping myself up on an elbow, I turned to him and perused his face. I traced his long lashes with a finger and watched him breathing slowly. I'll get to have mornings every day like this soon. The thought brought a smile to my face and I lifted myself off the bed with renewed vigour and energy.

I walked over to his closet as I pulled my hair up into a loose bun at the top of my head. Slipping one of his white shirts over me, I padded to the kitchen in my slippers and started put the kettle to boil. Gathering all the ingredients I needed, I began making hangover soup. Again.

I grabbed some pills from my purse and placed two on Joon's side of the table, along with a glass of water and a bowl of rice.

By the time the vegetables were added and the soup was happily simmering on the stove, I had already showered and cleaned up what rubbish was left from last night's festivities. I had just lifted the cover off the pot and was ladling the soup into a tureen when I heard Joon walk up behind me. Strong arms wrapped around my waist and I felt him breathe me in.

"You changed your shampoo," he commented, taking an appreciative sniff. "You smell like the rain. I like it."

"Yeah... I knew you would," I replied. "You feeling better?"

"I do. Jagiya..." he said as he turned me around to face him. "You didn't have to cook and you didn't have to clean up. You know that, right? I was going to help."

A lock of hair has fallen onto his forehead and I lift a hand up to brush it back. "I love to cook. And the cleaning... There wasn't much left. The girls helped me with most of it last night. I know I don't have to do all this stuff, but I wanted to." I stood on tiptoes to kiss him gently on the mouth. "Go sit down."

He shook his head no before he responded. "YOU go sit down. I'll do this. All I have to do is put it in this thing, right?" I nodded. "I'll do the dishes too. You've done enough work for today."

I smiled at him before I sat down and opened the newspaper to read. It was only then that I realized that I forgot my coffee on the counter when Joon walked over to the table with my cup in hand.

"Jagiya... I'm going to need the milk and su..."

"I got it," he said with a wink. "I already added it. I know how uri Na Jeong-ie likes her coffee."

I narrowed my eyes at him. I already said yes, so what is this? Is he still trying to win me over? I continued to watch as his bare back flexed while spooning the soup into the big bowl. Shirtless and only wearing sweatpants, I let my eyes travel admiringly over his defined chest and taut abdomen as he walked to the table. Sighing inwardly, I brought my coffee cup to my mouth as he finally set the tureen down and sat down across from me. Picking up his spoon, he grinned at me across the table and met my eyes.

"Thank you for the food," we both said simultaneously and shared a chuckle. I watched as he took an appreciative sniff of the stew before diving in.

"Careful, Joon-ah..." I started to say when I watched him cringe as he burned his mouth. "... It's hot."

He gave me a sheepish smile before blowing on his next spoonful. "Ahh... I miss this every time I leave. You make the best food. Is this kkakdugi too? I didn't realize you made a fresh batch."

"Of course I did. It's your favourite. It's part of my wedding dowry. You'll have a lifetime supply of kkakdugi. Aren't you lucky?" I teased. "Jagiya... Take those pills as you're eating. I know your head must still be hurting. You know better than to drink that much."

"Yeah... Na Jeong-ah... Sorry about that. We were all just having a good time."

"It's fine," I said. "I was a little irritated but it had less to do with you drinking and more to do with not being able to... Never mind." I felt a flush creep up my neck and I took a spoonful of rice. "Anyway, that situation has been thoroughly rectified."

He held my gaze for a few minutes before he resumed eating. We ate quietly for a few minutes, knees touching and our legs lightly pressed against each other. I passed the sports column of the paper to him and kept the rest for myself, just as we've always done. I was reading a news story regarding the increasing tensions between North Korea and the rest of the world when I heard Joon clear his throat.

"Na Jeong-ah... When do you want to get married?" He asked when I lifted my eyes to him enquiringly.

"I would like spring or early summer but you'll be in season, so we can probably wait until the season's over. Or even next year. It takes some time to plan a wedding," I said, putting the paper down.

"Okay," he said, his eyes back on the paper. "Should we go see Sook Sook play later? They're having a special game indoors this evening. It's important to him, and I would like to be there."

"We can do that. We don't have any other plans," I said. "But how did you know about that game? Sook Sook only just told us yesterday morning about it." He grinned at me but didn't respond. "Don't tell me that you saw him asked for his permission too..." When he didn't answer, I realized that he must have done just that. "Did you ask everyone's permission to marry me?"

"I told you I was going to do this right," he said. "Sook Sook is your brother. You love him and I love him. I needed him on my side. And I knew I had to see him last because well... He's only a kid. I didn't want to risk revealing my plans before I actually had a chance to do it."

"Wow... Kim Jae Joon-ssi... It appears that you got all of Korea involved in this proposal. You've worked hard," I said. "But you know the answer would have been the same had it just been us two, right?"

"Yeah... I know that. But I wanted something memorable that you can tell our children about and go back to whenever I make you mad. I'm being proactive," he replied. "Plus... Appa said women like grand gestures. You may be Sung Na Jeong but you're still a woman first. I was going to show you my best effort in this... So you know I will always give my best effort as your husband, too. I'm not perfect but I'll always try to do my best for you."

My heart melted inside me and as much as I hate to admit it, I loved his proposal. It was as if I walked down our memories together as I found all the clues and I remembered how we got here.

"Speaking of Appa," he continued. "I promised him we'll come down this weekend and visit."

"Sure. I'd love to meet Abonim," I responded. "It would have to be done at some point or another, right? To be honest, I'm curious to meet the man who was able to pin Omonim down, even just for a little while." I played with the rice that remained in my bowl before I asked the question that was hanging on the tip of my tongue. "Joon-ah... When do the Giants expect you back? Last year you had to leave at the end of January to begin training. They'll probably expect you back even earlier, right? So that you can continue to have your physical therapy and conditioning under their watchful eyes?"

Joon didn't answer but continued to watch me intently instead. "Will that be a problem? If I have to leave soon again?" He asked quietly. His tone remained even and neutral, and I'm unable to read the mood behind it.

"Of course it won't be a problem. You're a baseball player. Have I not been dealing with this beautifully since a year ago?" At his continued silence I kept talking. "Well... Maybe not always beautifully but I think I've dealt with it relatively well. I would be better with advanced notice. That's why I'm asking. I like preambles and disclaimers. You know me..." When I realized I was babbling, I decided to shut up. I kept my eyes on a spot on the table and waited for a response. Any response.

"You've done better than anyone else could have," he replied, finally. "I don't have to go back."

"Until when?" I asked. "Until next month? I know you must want to see Omonim and In Sung and Misoo, too. The extra month ensures that you'll get to do all that. That's good. That's really good..."

"I didn't mean until next month, nae sarang." He's never called me 'My Beloved' before and the sound of it from his mouth brought a flush of pleasure inside me, and I met his eyes. "I don't have to go back, ever. I've decided to stay and play baseball in Korea."

Unsure of what to say, and trying to contain the joy that bloomed in my chest, I tried to keep the smile forming on my face in check. "You didn't have to do that, Joon-ah. That's your dream. I would have waited."

## Jae Joon

I looked at Na Jeong's beautiful face and saw happiness flit over her features before she hid it again. So selfless, my love is. She bit her lip to keep the smile that I'm certain is fighting to form and I had to hold my own back. Before she even spoke, I already knew what she was going to say. Something along the lines of playing in America being my dream, how I was not obligated to do that, how she would have waited.

"You didn't have to do that, Joon-ah," she said quietly. "That's your dream. I would have waited." Sure enough, I was right. I felt contentment pulse through me in the knowledge that I think I finally get who Na Jeong is and what she's about.

"I know you would have, just like you gave me the freedom to decide for myself, because that's who you are and that's how you love. I don't want to wait anymore. And my dream was always baseball. Not necessarily America. What's the point of earning all that money and having all that fame if I'm not where I want to be? I knew I had a choice to make. One that I gave myself. I could spend years of my life pretending to be happy, sure that I should be happy, because I have everything I want, but on everyone else's terms." I took a deep breath before I continued. "Or, I could be happy, not pretending, having everything I wanted and on my terms. My life is here, with you. I want to be able to enjoy our life together. I want to be the person you wake up to and the person you fall asleep with. I want every day with you, for the rest of our lives. Don't get me wrong... There will still be days and nights that I may have no choice but to be away for some games. But six hours of driving in Korea is doable. Over twelve hours on a plane is not always so. Life moves so fast and I need to know, for my sanity, that should something happen, good or bad, that I am only a drive away from coming back home."

"Home?" She asked, finally giving me a shaky smile. I thought I glimpsed tears in her eyes but emotional Na Jeong is something I can understand. She feels things so deeply for someone so practical. "Of course you'll already be home if you're in Korea, Joon-ah."

"No... I meant home as in you. You are my home. Wherever you are. That's where I want to be."

"I could have moved for you, lest you hold it over my head that you gave this up for me," she said. "I won't tolerate that." She lifted her chin up stubbornly and I chuckled.

"What would I have done about my parents, then? Or your parents? And Sook Sook?" Surprise came over her features and she put her spoon down. "And our friends? Should I take In Sung too? That's what would have made me happy. I need all of you in my life to be happy, and it would have been exponentially less expensive to just move myself than move all of you to America."

She sat back, as if digesting my words. "It seems that your decision has been made," she finally conceded. "Who am I stop you?"

Her face broke out into a smile so bright she almost overshadowed the sunlight seeping into the apartment through the half opened blinds. I've made her so happy, with something so little, and I knew then without a shadow of a doubt that I made the right decision. I had followed her voice as I contemplated which direction to go. I have finally done something out of love, not fear. I know I've done her never ending faith and unwavering love for me justice. Besides, whatever puts that dazzling smile on my Na Jeong's face could only be the right choice.

I watched as she resumed eating with gusto and once done, she stood up and grabbed her plate, as well as mine.

"Yah... I wasn't done yet," I resisted.

"You weren't even eating anymore. Besides... Don't you want to take a shower?" She asked. She fluttered her eyelashes at me then pulled her hair out of the bun that was holding it together. "We only have less than three hours before we have to go to Sook Sook's game. And then I will have to go home tonight unless you want Appa coming over here and sleeping over too. So... Don't you want to take a shower, Joon... Oppa?" She blinked at me a couple more times and I started laughing.

"Will you take it with me?" I asked as she walked towards the bedroom. She stopped walking, as if thinking, then slipped my shirt up over her head, revealing her smooth back and long legs and everything in between. She turned her head and looked over her shoulder, hair tumbling seductively. My mouth dried up at the alluring picture she made and I said hoarsely, "I might need some help washing my back."

She smiled at me before responding. "I thought you'd never ask. I can take another shower, if that's what you want." She turned around and gave me a full frontal view and I felt all the blood rush to my groin. I stood up and started walking towards her. "But Joon-ah... I was hoping to wash your front, too."

She darted to the bathroom and then peeked her head out and stuck her tongue at me. She was still laughing by the time I joined her.

## January 5, 2002

## 1:30 p.m.

## Na Jeong

"Even though already a year has gone by, even after a year or a year after that I wait for you," I sang along as Joon drove. "I love this song, but it's so sad."

"Yeah. It is. I like this song, too," he commented as he kept one hand firmly on the steering wheel and the other holding my hand.

I looked over at him and though he didn't sing along with me, he was mouthing the lyrics to the song as well. I only just realized at this moment that he and I haven't driven long distance together since almost two years ago. So much has already changed since that time. Back then I wasn't sure where we stood, having only just started something together and now look at us. I'm so happy my face hurt from smiling.

Omma and Appa have insisted that Joon come over for dinner almost every night since Sook Sook's game. I know that training kept him busy during the day and I had to go back to work the day after New Year's. He mentioned that Jung Jin Oppa came back two days ago, and I know he will have to go back to the business of choosing where he'll play next week. But for this week, at least, we were granted a reprieve, and I had the opportunity to enjoy how light-hearted and carefree Joon seemed nowadays. Like a man who finally had it all. I feel that way, too.

I pressed a kiss to the top of his hand before leaning my head to his shoulder. I kept my eyes to the view outside the windows, marvelling as the scenery changed from the urban jungle that is Seoul to the greenness of trees as we headed towards the mountains to Chungju.

Having made a severe impression on Omonim when we first met, I am determined to win Joon's Appa at first sight. I will remember everything my Appa criticized me for, and try to do my best in being the lovely daughter in law that he would want for his son. I glanced behind me at the big fruit basket Omma and Appa helped me put together last night, along with an invitation for dinner at the boarding house the next time he finds himself in Seoul.

"Did you know that Chungju is the main producer of apples in Korea?" I asked Joon, having read up on it before our trip. "Abonim runs an apple farm, right? It must be so nice for him to have such a life, considering how hard he's worked in the past."

"Yeah... But Na Jeong-ah, it might not be what you're expecting," he said, as we passed the sign welcoming us into the city.

In my head having a farm sounded quaint. Images of people working on a medium sized patch of land filled my head, and I looked forward to meeting the man who put his business behind him in pursuit of a simpler life.

Joon turned to a smaller road and I watched absently as dried apple trees started filling my line of sight, as far as my eyes could see. Everywhere I looked there were only apple trees. We might be getting near now.

"Jagiya... How much farther is Abonim's farm?" I asked. "I need to go to the bathroom." I knew I shouldn't have had that big cup of coffee on the way. "If it's still far, can we stop somewhere so I could..."

"We're here," he said.

"Here where?" I looked around, puzzled, for any sign of a house only to be met by even more rows and rows of trees.

"This is Appa's farm. He owns, ah, a few acres of land. We should be there in... About half an hour."

"Half an hour? Exactly how many acres of land does Abonim own?"

"Ahh... Maybe... 500 acres?" Joon said, embarrassed. "I told you it's not what you were expecting. This is not a hobby and it's not small scale either. Appa takes everything seriously."

"Wow... You Kim men definitely operate on a different level. I get now, all your grandiose tendencies." Of course he would have a whole orchard. Joon gave me a sheepish smile and I looked at the land with new eyes, realizing only now that all this belongs to Joon's Appa.

We drove in silence for twenty minutes and I braced myself for how Abonim's house will be. Maybe a mini mansion of sorts, I thought, styled just like how Omonim's house in Seoul was.

So imagine my surprise when Joon parked at the top of the hill, in front of a traditional looking house. Built on one floor, it was made up of three distinct structures, all with a big door opening to the front of the house. I got out of the car and stretched my legs, grateful that I am wearing my heaviest coat. Omma said that it tends to get colder up in the mountains and she was right. Joon had popped the trunk open and grabbed our overnight bags. I was about to grab mine when he shooed my hand away.

"Na Jeong-ah... I'll get these. You just get your purse and the basket."

I nodded and started walking up the house when I saw a man walking out of the house. Figuring that he must be Joon's father, I walked up towards him and offered the basket, which he took hesitantly. Oh no... Has Omonim already warned him about me? I allowed myself to take in his plain looking face and his heavy build, dressed in simple garb with a heavy coat, before dropping my eyes in respect.

"Abonim," I started to say politely. "It's nice to finally meet you. My name is Sung Na Jeong."

"Na Jeong-ah... What are you doing?" Joon asked, finally joining me, easily holding both our bags.

"I'm introducing myself to Abonim... What does it look like I'm doing?" When he just continued to look at me, I nudged his side before I turned his way and gave him an irritated glare. "Joon-ah... don't be rude. Greet your father."

"I'll do it once..." He started to say. What is wrong with this man? Has he forgotten his manners? I know they've had problems in the past, but really...

"Baek Il Hyun-ssi, you forgot your baseball cap," I heard from the front of the house and I looked to see a handsome man emerge from the front door holding a cap in one hand.

Dressed casually in loose trousers and a sweater, he was a couple of inches shorter than Joon but still looked surprisingly lean and strong. Dark hair, with no visible grey, covered his head. His face was the stuff of women's dreams, all hard angles and strong features, lacking the delicacy present on Joon's face. The only thing on his face that was even remotely like Joon's was his cupid shaped mouth, the bottom lip plumper than the top. I felt my mouth open in surprise and realized I was studying his father shamelessly. Curious eyes met mine and I looked down quickly. So much for good first impressions.

"I think this was meant to be for you," his companion said, chuckling, as he handed the basket to Abonim. He offered a hand to Joon before he spoke. "You must be Jae Joon... Your Appa speaks of you often. It's nice to see you finally made it up here. Kim Kang Ho-ssi, I'll see you on Monday." Turning to me, he said, "it's nice to meet you too, Sung Na Jeong-ssi." He took the cap from Abonim before walking off.

"Appa, who was that?" I heard Joon ask his father.

"He's one of the guys I play Go-Stop with every Monday," he said, his voice deep. "Are you going to introduce us or will we have to introduce ourselves?"

Hearing the sarcasm in his voice, I tried to figure out how he and Omonim had been together as a couple. She was sarcastic too. It must have been interesting.

"Ahh... Of course," Joon said as he put our bags down on the ground. "Appa, this is Na Jeong. Sung Na Jeong. Jagiya, this is Appa, Kim Kang Ho."

"Na Jeong-ssi, it's nice to finally meet you. I've heard about you from both Joon's Omma and Joon, too. Thank you for the basket, and for coming," he directed at me. I met kind brown eyes, assessing me, not unlike how Omonim was when we first met, and I felt nervous all over again. "Come in, come in... I had just put the kettle to boil. Let's have some tea."

I followed him and Joon into the house and was surprised at the simplicity I found there. Abonim led us to the living room and Joon plopped himself down on a wooden hard backed bench, devoid of any decorative pillows, and I sat down and primly folded my hands in front of me.

Abonim walked over with a tray and I debated whether to serve the tea. Might as well, I thought, as I added a couple of teaspoons of sugar into one of the cups before offering it to Joon's father.

"Appa, Na Jeong prefers coff..." Joon started to say and I glared at him to shut up.

"Abonim, I wasn't sure how you took your tea, so I just made it like how Joon takes his," I said, and breathed a sigh of relief when he took it.

"How was the journey?" He asked politely. "Two hours is quite a long way to drive just to visit your future In-law, right? I appreciate you taking the time in making the travel, Na Jeong-ssi. Joon says work keeps you busy. I'm sure he keeps you busy as well."

"Ahh, Abonim, it was good. My family comes from Masan and we go back there at least once a year, so the travel is something I am used to."

"Speaking of travel, didn't you say you needed to go to the bathroom? It's just over..." I heard Joon say next to me and I cringed.

"I'm fine," I interrupted and fixed him an irritated glare. Does he not realize how much I'm trying to make a great first impression? Before he could say anything else I shoved a cup towards him to shut him up. "Drink your tea."

He looked at me curiously, but complied anyway. He and Abonim started talking about his proposal and though I wanted to chime in, I held myself back, knowing that I should be more courteous. So I sat and listened and only answered questions that were directed towards me. I don't want him to think Joon is marrying someone rude and mouthy, just like Appa often accuses me of. I can be proper. I can be polite. I'm determined to make Joon proud of me.

## Jae Joon

Not for the first time since we got to Appa's house I wondered if something was wrong with Na Jeong. I looked at the way she was sitting on the bench and wondered if she was hurting again. Her back was so stiff and straight, her hands folded in front of her, her eyes fixed on the tea tray.

"How did the proposal go?" Appa asked, his tone friendly.

I smiled at him because I knew he was trying. My father was a man's man... Always has been. He tends to speak roughly and bluntly, as one would expect from someone who hasn't lived with a woman in almost twenty years.

"It was good, Appa... She said yes. Everything went as planned."

I half expected Na Jeong to interject, since I know she has a lot to say about the proposal... God knows she gave me a review of it as soon as it's done with and many many days thereafter. Though her Omma swooned at the story, Na Jeong remained sensible, examining everything that could have possibly gone wrong.

Appa darted his eyes at her in concern and again, I just shrugged my shoulders. I don't know why she's acting like this. Maybe the travel has made her more tired than usual.

"Ahh... Joon-ah, Abonim... I think I will go to the bathroom," she said nervously and she suddenly stood up and walked off before I could even tell her where to go. I watched as she went the direction of the kitchen and worried when she opened the pantry door.

"The bathroom is this way, jagiya," I said gently, concerned that she'll end up opening all the doors in that end of the house.

She nodded and walked briskly towards the direction I pointed her to and I had to hold back a smile when I saw her blush in embarrassment. I was relieved when she finally opened the right door and started chuckling as soon as she was safely in it. She's so adorable... I can't help it... Seeing Na Jeong so flustered and nervous was a rare thing, and it touched me to know the lengths she would go through to win my parents' approval. I turned to see my father watching me closely, a smile on his face.

"Jae Joon-ah... Is she okay?" He asked.

"Yeah Appa... She just needs to get a little comfortable. I think she may be nervous. It is the first time she's meeting you. Uri Na Jeong-ie worries about Great First Impressions. Uhmm... She and Omma bumped heads the first time they met, so I'm sure she's still thinking about that."

"I'm not really surprised... Your Omma must have been hard on Na Jeong," he commented.

"Actually, from what Omma said, Na Jeong actually stood her ground. I think Omma was surprised but they're great pals now. Na Jeong even texted her after I proposed."

"I can't imagine that, seeing how quiet she is today. She's so well-mannered."

"Appa... This is weird. She's not usually like this."

"I hope she's not putting up an act just for me. I would like to know the woman that you're marrying and will be part of this family." Appa appeared to be thinking deeply before he spoke again. "How do you think we can get her to open up and be more comfortable?"

"I don't know really," I said. "There's really only one way to get Na Jeong to speak up when she's in one of her well-intentioned moods, and it always works for me, but I'm not sure that's the route we want to go."

Appa brightened and leaned towards me. "What is it?" He asked, looking behind me to make sure that Na Jeong wasn't coming yet. "Quick, before she comes back."

I took a deep breath before I responded. I don't think this is a good idea.

"We can make her mad."

## Na Jeong

By the time I came out of the bathroom, I was a bit more composed and put together. I had splashed some water over my face and given myself a little pep talk as I have been wont to do under circumstances like this. Of course he will like me, I kept telling myself. Omonim likes me and she's a tough nut to crack. I just have to bite my tongue and agree with everything he says, just as any good future daughters-in-law would do. He is their only son after all. I need to make sure that he entrusts Joon to me, just like Appa does, and no one else loves Joon outside his family more than Appa.

I slowly walked over to the living room to see that the tea tray has been cleared and looked over to see Joon and his father sitting at the kitchen table. I approached the table cautiously, in case they were having a serious discussion, but my mouth watered when I saw the feast laid out on the table.

Joon's face lit up with a smile when he spotted me and he motioned for me to sit next to him. I gave him a smile and sat down. I browsed the offerings on the table and said a silent prayer for my tummy not to rumble before I could eat. There were separate platters of galbi and beoseot gi, jjeobokjjim and dubuseon, along with at least eight banchan dishes. Abonim looked at me expectantly as I tried to determine if it would be rude to start eating before the rice has even been served.

"Abonim, everything looks great," I said warmly.

"Appa... I'm glad there's a lot of food. Na Jeong likes to eat," Joon said casually and I wondered if it would be appropriate to kick him while his father was around. My big appetite is a long running joke amongst my friends and family, but I don't want Abonim to think that I am gluttonous.

"Let me get the rice and we can start eating," Abonim said, standing up.

"Abonim, please, sit down and let me do that. You've already worked so hard preparing all this food. I would like to help," I offered.

I stood up, grateful for something to do and was relieved when I saw that three bowls have already been placed to the side of the rice cooker. I busied myself spooning up the rice and placed one in front of Abonim, and then Joon, before picking up my own bowl. I hope Joon will not comment on the fact that I served myself less rice than usual.

I waited until they started eating before I allowed myself to eat and I was so hungry, I almost cried when I took a bite of the galbi, it was so delicious. To be honest I wanted to stuff the whole thing in my mouth but I forced myself to slow down.

"Appa... I'm jealous. When I was here last we only had one main dish and four side dishes," Joon complained. "You haven't seen me in five years... And you couldn't be bothered to make more for me."

I fought the urge to roll my eyes at him and tell him to suck it up. His voice was plaintive, as if he was really hurt. He hasn't acted like this in years, but maybe being around his parents brought out the immature side of him. He didn't act like this around Omonim, though... So maybe it's just around his father that he's like this. I have to talk about this with him later, even though every cell in my body told me to call him out on it now.

I took a small bite of the mushroom dish and felt both Joon and Abonim's eyes watching me eat.

"Yah... Jae Joon-ah, I'm starting to think Na Jeong is too good for you," Abonim said to Joon. "Look at how nicely she's eating. Like a lady should. She seems far too beautiful for you, too."

"Thank you, Abonim," I said, even as I felt myself blush at the compliment. Beside me I heard Joon start coughing and I slid my glass of water to him.

"Joon says you have a degree in computer science as well?" Abonim asked pleasantly. When I nodded, he continued speaking. "Well at least she has a degree that people can actually use. How many times did I actually tell you that physical education was a useless degree?" He asked Joon and I felt myself bristling. Control yourself, Sung Na Jeong. He's just making casual conversation. Do not lose your temper. "Well, you're not very smart anyway, so I suppose your Omma and I should be happy that you have a degree at all."

I bit my tongue from jumping to Joon's defence, but I started wondering what happened to the polite man I met when I first came. This came from so out of the ballpark that I was shocked at the direction this conversation was going. Half expecting Joon to get up and walk out, I was surprised to look over at him and see him studying his food a little too closely. Mending this relationship must be really important to him, I realized. Joon has been a little more forthright since recovering from his injury, and he even stands up to Omonim now, so the fact that he's letting his father talk to him this way must mean that he is trying also. I took his hand under the table and gave him a reassuring squeeze.

Seemingly discounting all that Joon had to go through in his childhood to become the man that he is now, Abonim just kept on talking.

"I cannot believe that you turned down the opportunity to play abroad again. Five million, you said, right? That was really reckless of you, Joon-ah. What did I tell you about letting your heart rule your head?" I felt my hands ball into fists and my vision went red. I can't help it. This is crazy. Why would he talk to him like that? Appa criticizes me too, but Appa always talks jokingly. "You're not going to be playing baseball forever and you wouldn't have to if you just took the contract. I think you're too young to be getting married anyway. That was really dumb."

This cannot carry on like this. I have to say something. Before I could even formulate a civil response, I had already stood up and slammed my hands on the table. "For your information, Joon is very very smart. He studied what interested him and there is no shame in that..."

"Na Jeong-ah..." I heard Joon say next to me. But I wasn't done. Oh no... I was nowhere near done.

"...Secondly, him deciding to stay here wasn't reckless. He thought about it, and it's what will make him happy, which is the most important thing. The fact that he followed his heart speaks of his integrity and his strength. Money is not everything, and he understands that now...."

"Jagiya..." I heard Joon say again and I shot him an irritated glare.

"...And lastly, he's not just staying here so we can get married, if that is what you're implying. He's staying here not just for me, but for you, too and Omonim. I won't say any more about this matter since Joon loves you and values your opinion. In fact he respects you so much he won't answer back... I, however, have no such qualms. It is my duty and my right, as the woman who loves him, to never allow anyone to besmirch Joon's name or criticize his character, even his parents. You don't believe me? Ask Omonim. He may permit you to do so, and as your child I can understand why, but I will not stand for it." I paused and took a deep breath.

"Na Jeong-ah..."

"... WHAT?" I asked Joon, and when he didn't respond right away, I kept on speaking, fuelled by indignation and anger. "I do hope that you will refrain from making insulting comments about him. Your son is kind and wonderful. He's amazing. And I know he won't play baseball forever, and he knows that as well. But it will always be in his life. Speaking of which... now that he will be playing in Korea, you should see him play. He'll make you cry he's so good..."

"Jagiya," Joon said as he put a hand on my arm.

There... I've finally said everything I needed to say, and I felt better. I sat down before I turned to him and cupped his face. "Jagiya... I'm sorry, but I cannot stand by idly if anyone says or does anything that could possibly hurt you." I composed myself before I allowed myself to address Abonim without looking in his eyes. "My parents taught me to always stand up for what I believe in, and there's nothing and no one I believe in more than Joon. Now, I know how important this is to him so I will apologize for the way I just spoke, but not for what I said. "

I put my hands under the table to keep them from shaking. I'll probably get thrown out of the house now. As usual, my mouth ran away from me. It's a good thing Joon drove... We won't be stuck sleeping at the bus station should his father decide that he detests me.

"Well... That's certainly one way to break the ice. Appa..." Joon said next to me. "... I knew this was a bad idea." What?

"Na Jeong-ssi," Abonim said gently, and I drank a full glass of water before I lifted my eyes and met his amused gaze. "I didn't quite believe Joon and his Omma when they said you were quite scary when you're angry, but it appears that they're right. The passion you have in defending my son is reassuring. I know I'll never have to worry about him being alone. It's nice to finally meet you." Turning to Joon with a conspiratorial smile, he said, "She is very much like your Omma. She'll keep you on your toes."

What just happened? I thought to myself as Joon and his father shared a chuckle. Did they trick me? And what did he mean by finally meeting me? Confused, and just a little relieved, I carried on eating. Joon is going to have to explain this to me later.

## Jae Joon

I was sitting on a wooden pallet outside the house when Appa came out with a bottle of soju. Na Jeong had just gone to bed in one of the adjacent structures flanking the house, and unable to sleep, I bundled myself in a blanket and my coat and sat outside. It seemed that Appa can't sleep either, and I turned to face him as he approached.

"I didn't think I'd find you here. Why are you still up?" He asked as he sat down next to me.

"I just couldn't sleep," I responded. He poured us a couple of shots and we sat together drinking in silence for a few minutes before I spoke.

"Appa... Thank you for dinner. And for everything. Na Jeong... She gets a little too passionate with everything regarding me. I've never seen it first-hand myself, so I was just as surprised as you..."

"You're not apologizing for her, surely?" He asked me as he poured us another round.

"Nah... I only apologize for things I feel sorry for and I'm not sorry that she's outspoken and hot-tempered. I love that. It's one of the reasons why I fell in love with her. She has a sharp mind and a smart mouth. She can run circles around me with her arguments and metaphors..."

"I hope you know I just said those things to make her upset," Appa said softly. "I... I didn't hurt your feelings, right?"

"No, you didn't, Appa. I can't believe it either... But it seems I've toughened up, after all."

He nodded at me in response before he spoke. "Your Na Jeong... She's a little intense," he commented as he swirled the soju in his glass. "But she's strong. It takes courage to stand up to even your parents to defend you. You'll need that in your life. That makes me happy."

"Yeah... She does. She's magnificent, right? I swear, Appa... Sometimes I look at her and I can't believe she's real. It sounds ridiculous, I know... But..."

"If it makes you feel better, she looks at you like that too. I watched the way she talks to you, the way she studies you for any reaction. She loves you." I watched as he drank the soju in his glass in one swallow. "Omma... Your Omma used to look at me like that."

"Appa..." I hesitated before asking the question that's been weighing heavily on me. "Do you still love Omma?"

He looked at me in surprise and I saw his mask fall off for a minute before he looked away. He didn't answer my question but from that one glimpse, it seems that he does. My heart clamped painfully inside me. I know the pain of loving someone who doesn't love me back all too well.

"Appa..."

"It's getting late, Joon-ah. Your old man shouldn't be staying up this late..." He stood up and pulled his coat closer around him. "There's a heater in your room, as well as Na Jeong's. Don't even think about sneaking into her room, either. You may be getting married but you're not married yet. I'm not that progressive. I'm off to bed. Don't stay up too late."

He walked back towards the house and as I watched his retreating back, I felt an urgent need to spend more time with him, to get to know the man who I called Appa.

"Appa... You want to go fishing in the morning?" I asked impulsively and saw him stop in his tracks. He turned around slowly but once he had, I spied a smile on his face.

"Sure... I'll wake you up... There's a frozen lake not too far from here. Make sure to dress warmly. Come to think of it, I don't think we've ever gone fishing together, have we?"

I shook my head no and he nodded before opening the door and allowing himself back in the house. I poured another shot of the soju he had left, the alcohol warming me up nicely. I laid down on the wooden pallet with the blanket around me and looked up at the sky. It finally felt like all the pieces in my life are coming together. For the first time in a long time, I felt at peace.

## Na Jeong

After tossing and turning for an hour, I had just grabbed my phone to send Omma and Appa a text message when I heard voices coming from the outside. Peeking out the window I saw Joon and Abonim sitting on a wooden platform, sharing a bottle of soju. Seeing them spending time together, not tense or angry, makes me happy... I know how important this is to Joon. Even if they were having fun at my expense.

It seemed that my reputation preceded me and Abonim already knew what to expect. Concerned that I was making myself uncomfortable holding my tongue, he followed Joon's suggestion and made me mad. And what better way than to insult Joon in front of me? That method is, indeed, very effective.

I glanced at my phone to see that there was no reception and walked around the room to see where I could get some type of connection. Finally, two bars appeared right by the door. Not wanting to eavesdrop on their conversation, I was just typing a message out to Omma when I heard my name being mentioned. Unable to help myself, I press my ear to the gap to listen more closely.

"Your Na Jeong... She's a little intense, but she's strong. It takes courage to stand up to even your parents to defend you. You'll need that in your life. That makes me happy," I heard Abonim's voice say.

"Yeah... She does," Joon replied. "She's magnificent, right? I swear, Appa... Sometimes I look at her and I can't believe she's real. It sounds ridiculous, I know... But..." I smiled at his voice, filled with wonder and wished I could hug him. No one makes me feel like Joon does.

"If it makes you feel better, she looks at you like that, too. I watched the way she talks to you, the way she studies you for any reaction. She loves you. Omma... Your Omma used to look at me like that." Even from this distance I heard the sadness in Abonim's voice and I hoped that Joon would ask him about it. It's time that this family started talking.

"Appa... Do you still love Omma?" That's my man. Good job, Kim Jae Joon. I didn't hear Abonim respond and realized he still must love her. I felt myself soften in sympathy for him. It's hard loving someone who doesn't love you. I know what that feels like as well. "Appa..."

"It's getting late, Joon-ah. Your old man shouldn't be staying up this late... There's a heater in your room, as well as Na Jeong's. Don't even think about sneaking into her room, either. You may be getting married, but you're not married yet. I'm not that progressive. I'm off to bed. Don't stay up too late."

I was still debating whether to open the door and join them when I heard Joon speak again. "Appa... You want to go fishing in the morning?"

"Sure... I'll wake you up... There's a frozen lake not too far from here. Make sure to dress warmly. Come to think of it, I don't think we've ever gone fishing together, have we?"

A small smile came over my face to hear Joon and his father making small steps back towards each other. Isn't that what relationships are about, though? Isn't that what love's about? Finding it within yourself to forgive and find each other again? Bonds of family is near impossible to sever and I doubted that Joon even wanted that anyway. There was love there, buried under all the remorse and resentment over a past that cannot be changed.

Once I heard Abonim close his door, I opened mine and watched Joon as he laid down on the wooden platform, a thick blanket wrapped around him. My heart squeezed inside me as he lifted his handsome face to look at the sky and I wondered how it was possible to love anyone this much.

I walked slowly towards him after a few minutes and stopped when I reached his side. He had his eyes closed and looked so peaceful I hesitated to even speak. I'll let him rest, I decided. I was about to walk back to the house when I felt a hand grab my wrist gently. I looked at his face to see both of his eyes open.

"Where are you going?" He asked. That deep timbre in his voice when he's just a little sleepy never fails to get me.

"I thought you were asleep," I responded.

"How can I sleep?" He asked as he opened his blanket. I climbed in and laid down next to him, resting my head on his chest, before he wrapped us up again. "You know I have a hard time sleeping without you."

"Me too." I snuggled in closer and wrapped my arm around his waist.

"Na Jeong-ah... Sorry about earlier. Appa just wanted to know you better," he said softly.

"It's fine... I have a sense of humour. It was no big deal." I tried to sound composed though inside I was mortified to have all of Joon's family aware of my weakness. Ah well... It can't be helped.

"Na Jeong-ah... How much time do you think we'll need to plan a wedding?" I heard him ask.

"I don't know, Joon-ah... Usually it takes time to get a house and furnishings, but you already have the apartment. Unless you think we should move?" I felt him shake his head over me. "Since that's taken care of, maybe just a few months?"

"Want to get married in June? That gives us six months. Would that be enough time?"

"June's good. But Joon-ah... The World Cup is coming to Korea around that time," I said.

"So? I play baseball, not soccer... Why should I care?" I chuckled at his response. I knew he was going to say that.

"I wasn't concerned about that, but won't the guests be upset?"

"I don't care," he said stubbornly and I looked up at him. He met my eyes and smiled. "It could be a roomful of people or just you and I. You know those things don't matter to me."

"June it is, then... But won't that be a problem with your season?" I asked. "Maybe it will be better to wait..."

"I'll negotiate that with my contract. I can do that. Because I'm a..."

"Major Leaguer, I know. Just so you know... Major Leaguers are not excused from doing household chores," I reminded him. "So if you think..."

"I got it. I'll do chores too. Anything else?" He asked, amused.

"I would like to invite some of your teammates in San Francisco and John, too," I responded quietly.

"You'd do that?"

"Of course. They were a part of your life too. I know most of them won't be able to come since it's their baseball season as well, but it wouldn't hurt to try... But John, he might not be able to afford the fare. I have a little money saved up..."

"Don't worry about that. I'll send tickets for him and his wife along with the invitation."

"Okay." I rested my head back on his chest, my hand over his heart, and savoured the slow steady beat under my fingers. It was so quiet here... The smell of winter is thick in the air. "It's beautiful here, Joon-ah. I like it."

"I'm glad. I'd like to be able to visit Appa more often and bring you too."

"I like him, too. It's very easy to imagine him with Omonim," I said hesitantly. "Will it be a problem, them seeing each other again? I don't want them to be uncomfortable."

"My parents don't buckle under pressure. Plus it's been so long now... What could possibly happen? Besides, Omma's husband will probably go as well." I felt a strong hand on my hair and I sighed. "You're not cold?"

"Not at all. You keep me nice and warm. Yah... Do you remember that night at Samcheonpo?" I heard him mouth a quiet 'mmm' before I continued. "I was so surprised when I woke up and saw you huddled next to me, shaking like a leaf. Why were you sick anyway? I never asked and you never said."

"Ahh... Some guy jumped in the water, crying for his wife and I jumped in after him," he replied.

"Joon-ah..."

"He would have drowned. I can swim. I would never have been able to live with myself had I not done anything."

"You always do that. Do things without expecting credit for it. I remember the way you spoke to Samcheonpo's Halmoni. And... I didn't even know you spoke to Oppa about me before you left for Japan until he told me. Kim Jae Joon-ssi... You're my hero."

"I'm no hero. I just want to be a good man."

"That's precisely why you're my hero. You don't have to do big things, but you try to do the right things. Even if sometimes you don't always succeed and it beats you so low that it looks like you'll bow down, you always pick yourself up and dust it off and then you try again. And you try to do it without hurting anyone else. Being strong is one thing, but being kind while you're at it is another. It's one of the reasons why I love you."

"Do you love me enough to possibly move to the country one day? Appa's getting older and I think maybe, not soon, but in ten to fifteen years, I'll have to come help him. He doesn't have anyone else and..."

"Shhh..." I said, putting a finger up to his lips. "Of course you'd have to help. You don't have to explain anything to me. I'm okay being a baseball player's wife. I can be a farmer's wife, too. As long as I get to be your wife, I'm good with that. I'll be quite at home in the country, really. It's where I'm from, after all."

"Na Jeong-ah... I love you. So much." My heart fluttered at his words and I brush a finger over his jaw.

"Is that right?" I asked and Joon started laughing as I gave him a playful nudge. "Why are you laughing? I bet I sounded so provincial, huh? What's wrong with being countrified, Seoul boy?"

"Nothing, jagiya..." He said as he leaned down and gave me a soft kiss. "Nothing at all. I think you'll look beautiful in ahjumma pants."

## January 8, 2002

## 7:30 p.m.

## Joon

"Jagiya... I'm back," I heard Na Jeong call out from the door as I measured out some rice and water into the rice cooker. I dried my hands on a towel before glancing at the clock. 7:30 p.m. I saw her walk into the kitchen with a big bag. She placed the bag on the counter and assessed me up and down.

"What's that?" I asked, pointing to the bag.

"Just stuff from Omma... I knew we weren't going to have much time today so I marinated the bulgogi as well. I'm making bibimbap. But... Joon-ah... What are you wearing?"

"Ahh, this?" I asked, blushing, as I tried to slip the apron off.

"Don't," she whispered, wrapping her arms around me. "You look sexy with it on."

"Oh yeah?" I glanced at the clock again. We have thirty minutes... Enough time. I leaned down to take her lips for a kiss when I heard an amused voice at the doorway.

"Joon-ah... Domesticated already?" I heard Jung Jin Hyung say and Na Jeong slowly peeled her arms away from me.

"I walked in with him. He was parking the car when I was walking up," she explained. "Jin-ie Oppa, sit down, please."

At the mention of the word oppa I balked. To this day I don't like it. Can't she call him formally? Jung Jin-ssi. That has a nice ring to it. Now... How to get Na Jeong to actually say it. That is the question.

"Jin-ie Oppa... Do you want something to drink?" I watched as she opened the fridge and scanned its contents. "We have coffee and tea, of course, but we also have... Uhmm... Water, juice, wine, and beer."

"Na Jeong-ah... Coffee will be good," he responded as he sat down at the kitchen table.

Na Jeong pulled out some cups from the cabinet and filled the kettle with water before putting it on the stove. She kept a hand on my back the whole time, her eyes smiling at me.

"Joon-ah," Hyung said and I turned around to look at him. Dressed casually in a sweater and jeans, he was a picture of effortlessly cool. Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me because I can't help but admire Hyung's style. "I brought all the paperwork..."

"Jin-ie Oppa, nope. We're not talking shop until we've eaten. Those are our house rules. Food before business. My Joon needs to eat," Na Jeong said.

She pulled out a pan from the cupboard and grabbed some vegetables from the fridge. The kettle boiled and I fixed three cups of coffee, one the way I knew Hyung took his and mine and Na Jeong's the same way. I brought Hyung his to see that he was, again, distractedly looking at his phone. I shook my head and walked back to the counter, where Na Jeong stood mixing some gochujang with some sesame oil in a bowls.

"What do you need me to do?" I asked. "Should I slice up the carrots, or cook the spinach? I'm at your service... And I'm already wearing the apron."

"That's true... But the carrots will take only two minutes so I'll do that when the beef is almost cooked. But you can put a pot of water on the stove to boil, jagiya. I'll need it to blanch the spinach."

I nodded and set a pot out and filled it with water. After putting it on the stove, I turned around and leaned back against the counter and looked at Hyung.

"Is Noona still giving you a hard time?" I asked him. "I read your email. Were you drunk when you wrote it?" At his questioning look, I shrugged my shoulders. "You were cursing a lot."

He looked at me before answering. "Rule number one, Kim Jae Joon-ssi, gentlemen don't get drunk. They get tipsy, but they never lose their heads in drink. You cannot be so inebriated you don't have any control of your situation or your surroundings. Why do you think I never let you drink while you're in season? Although there was that one time... In Japan... Ah, when was it?" I saw him furrow his brows in concentration. "Ah... It was right after you found out that Na..."

I clapped a hand to his mouth and darted my eyes to Na Jeong, who didn't seem to be paying us any attention. I shook my head at him quickly and hoped he understood that I needed him to be quiet about this. I don't want her to know about how I lost my mind when I found out she was getting married.

"You were saying? About Noona?" I said, raising my eyebrows at him.

"Have you tried romancing her? It doesn't work for me personally but I know most women are into that," Na Jeong interjected, bringing two side dishes to the table. "Jagiya, can you grab the remaining side dishes, please? The beef's almost done. I just have to fry the eggs." She sat down across the table from him and continued to sip on her coffee.

"Na Jeong-ah... I am a great romancer. I am very very good at romance," he said with a charming smile directed at her and I wanted to wipe it off his face. "I sent her flowers at work, only to be informed later on that she gave it to a patient. I sent chocolates, too, only to be told that she shared it with all the nurses and didn't eat any herself. She's so stubborn. I mean... She's nice enough in texts, when she can be bothered to answer it. I'm busy, she says. Well I'm busy too!" I almost laughed at Hyung's predicament but he looked so distraught I almost pitied him. He's so calm most of the time, about everything, and it's a bit disconcerting to see him this way.

Na Jeong stood up and patted him sympathetically on the shoulder. Why is she touching him now? "Oppa... I know how it feels to deal with someone so stubborn. Do you know I wrote Joon 134 emails? And no response. None. At all. I'm still waiting for responses to those emails."

"Yah... I didn't know about them!" I said defensively.

"I even went to San Francisco and waited at a restaurant for two hours!" She said and I cringed.

"I didn't know about that either!"

Na Jeong shot me a hurt look and Hyung did, as well. Have they forgotten that I'm the one who had to deal with an unrequited love for six years?

"Na Jeong-ah... Haven't I made it up to you already?" I asked her. "Besides, we're not talking about us. We're engaged to be married. We were talking about him." I sat down once I've brought the banchan to the table and addressed him. "Hyung... Noona will come around. She did," I said pointing to Na Jeong, who was busy assembling our plates with the bibimbap. "I did."

"Oppa..." Na Jeong said as she placed a plate in front of him. "Maybe San Francisco is just not good for romance. I mean I didn't have much luck there until Joon and I were already together. She needs to come to Korea."

"Maybe... But how do I convince her to come to Korea? She won't even go on a date with me."

"Hmm... I'll think about that and let you know," Na Jeong said as she placed my plate in front of me, along with her plate, and she finally sat down.

I surreptitiously moved the kkakdugi dish over to my side of the table, until Na Jeong caught me doing it and glared at me until I gave it up. We all sat in silence for a few minutes and I waited for Hyung's reaction to the food when he took his first bite.

"Wow... Jeong-ah... You are a cooking goddess," Hyung exclaimed. "Forget this guy and run away with me. Please."

"Yahhh..." I watched Na Jeong blush a pretty pink and I blinked at her. Don't I tell her this all the time? I am the one MOST appreciative of Na Jeong's cooking skills.

"Should I?" She asked him, looking like she was thinking, as she wiggled her eyebrows.

"SUNG NA JEONG! You agreed to marry me! Look at that rock on your finger! We are as good as married."

"Is that right?" She asked and looked at me innocently. "I can still change my mind. But... What to do then? Because I'm crazy in love with this guy." She pressed a kiss on my cheek and I felt a little calmer. Until I saw him take a bite of my radish kimchi.

"Hyung... That's mine," I began to say as his eyes closed in appreciation.

"Na Jeong-ah, this is delicious. Do you know what I missed the most when we were in America? Good Korean kimchi. All the varieties. You just can't find that there. Do you think you can pack some of this up for me? This is probably the best radish kimchi I've tasted in a while. Almost as good as my Omma's."

"Of course." "NO!" Na Jeong and I said simultaneously.

"Fine," she said, shooting me a dirty look. "I'll make you some, Oppa."

"No," I said adamantly. "Na Jeong makes this just for me. I eat it every day. You can't have any at all."

Hyung clucked his tongue at me. "Kim Jae Joon. You're so petty." He continued to eat it while looking straight at me, knowing fully well that I won't stop him with Na Jeong sitting right here. "Na Jeong-ah... Maybe just give me the recipe?"

"You can't have that either! It's a family secret," I said, even as Na Jeong already pulled her phone out and started typing him a message. "Don't tell him about the ginger," I whispered to her. She shook her head at me but did as I asked anyway.

"Sent," she informed Hyung then looked at me in frustration. "You're lucky I love you."

"I know it." And I do.

We all finished our meal in comfortable silence until Hyung's phone beeped. He quickly took it out and typed something so fast even I was impressed. When he put it away again, he had a smile on his face. I hope Noona does come around and give him a chance, before he gets any more ideas about luring Na Jeong away. And, it would be nice to finally meet the woman who seems to have tamed Lee Jung Jin.

"Oh, Hyung... You never did tell us what Noona's name is," I said. "I can't refer to her as Noona forever."

"It's Gia," he said with a grin, and I wondered if that's how I looked whenever Na Jeong's name passes through my lips.

After we finished dinner and put the plates away, we found ourselves in the living room, ready to deal with the matter at hand.

Hyung had laid out nine proposals on the table and quietly waited for me and Na Jeong to read over them. I quickly scanned over the first five before my eyes became blurry. Na Jeong, on the other hand, was taking notes. This is her domain. She's amazing with numbers.

"What are you thinking?" Hyung asked me as I rubbed my forehead.

"I don't know, my mind can't absorb all these numbers," I said slowly.

"How about we start with this? How do you both feel about moving to Daejeon, Daegu, Gwangju, Masan or Busan?" He asked.

"I'm okay with it," Na Jeong said quickly.

"I'm not okay with it," I responded.

"You're not?" She asked me, surprised.

"No... Training takes quite a bit of time and so will games. What if you get pregnant? I don't want you to be far from Omma and Appa... Especially when I am away for a game. It's going to drive me crazy." I pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You don't know anyone in those cities, except for Masan. And even then, it would be hard."

"Well... The Seoul teams are offering the best salaries, too. Maybe because the cost of living here is higher," she said softly.

"Okay," Hyung said, as he took away the proposals from the teams that were nowhere near Seoul. "So that leaves us with three teams. Seoul Twins, Doosan Bears and SK Wyverns. How do their numbers look, Na Jeong-ah?"

"The Twins are offering 989 million won, the Wyverns have put down 975 million, and the Bears are offering 1.1 billion won." She looked up from her list and turned to me expectantly. "They're not bad offers."

"I can't play for the Twins," I said. I saw Na Jeong frown and I smoothed her brow with a finger. "Jagiya... I can't, not yet anyway. Even if your Appa wouldn't mean to, he'll treat me differently by nature of the fact that I am his son in law. I've never played professional baseball in Korea, and I need to make my mark, without anyone saying anything about me or Appa."

"Okay, then. I guess that leaves us with the Bears and the Wyverns," Hyung said, smoothly picking up the proposal from the Twins and adding it to the reject pile. "Joon-ah?"

"The Bears offer the best salary... And it's in Seoul. So I guess the Bears it is."

"Are you sure?" Hyung asked.

"Yes."

"Great. I'll call them in the morning." He stood up and gathered the remaining proposals. "I have to go... things are about to pick up again soon. Next decision will be about CFs but we'll deal with that later."

Na Jeong stood up and gave him a hug before I walked him to the door. Standing at the hallway he changed back into his shoes before he spoke. "Oh yeah... I forgot to tell you... I've been getting phone calls from several broadcasting stations and magazines about an exclusive interview. Do you want me to forward you the list?"

I searched my mind for a name and smiled when I remembered. "No need... I will go with the Weekly Sports. But only if Yoon Hyeong Shik will interview me."

"Why so specific? What if he no longer works there?"

"Then we have to find where he works and go with them. I kind of promised him an exclusive," I explained.

"When? Why didn't you tell me about this?" He ran an annoyed hand through his hair.

"Sorry, hyung, I didn't think that this day would ever come. I promised him the exclusive believing that Na Jeong and I will never be together."

"Ah, okay. I'll make that call tomorrow, too. I would plan as much of the wedding as soon as possible, Joon-ah. You'll be busy once the season starts."

"Hyung... That's another thing. Before you reject the Wyverns, can you make sure the Bears are okay with me taking off for a week from June 20th?"

"Why would you need to take off for that?" He asked.

"I'm getting married."

Hyung nodded and smiled before he shook my hand. "I'll ask and let you know."

"Drive safely... I'll talk to you tomorrow."

I watched as he walked away and didn't close the door until he was in the elevator. I walked back to the apartment to see Na Jeong studying the proposal for the Bears. "This contract is only for a year, right?" She asked when I sat back down next to her. "Even if you played for them for two years, you'd still be making considerably less than you would have in America. Are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Yes," I said without hesitation. "Are you?"

"Of course I am... I will support whatever decision you make. But... you know Appa doesn't have any love lost for the Bears. I understand why you don't want to play for his team. He might not, though." She said, looking at me in concern. "I'll pad him out for you, but he'll take it personally. Appa's Twins and the Bears are like mortal enemies. You know that... Don't say I didn't warn you."

"Appa will understand. He knows that baseball is as much about politics as it is about the game. He wouldn't want to be accused of nepotism, either," I reassured her. "He'll be okay."

## January 14, 2002

## 7:00 a.m.

## Na Jeong

"He's not okay," I whispered furiously into the phone. "You said he'll be okay and he's not. You should have seen him, Jagiya... I thought he was going to pop a blood vessel. I TOLD you not to text it to him. But did you listen?"

"Na Jeong-ah... I said he will be okay. I didn't say he would be immediately. I meant he'll be okay eventually. He just needs to digest it and think about it. Then I promise you he'll accept it," Joon said and I heard traffic from the other line.

"Where are you going?" I asked. "It's only 7 in the morning."

"I have an interview to go to," he said. "I promised I'll be there before 9. You know how busy Seoul is in the morning. I don't want to be stuck in rush hour traffic."

"Joon-ah... If you have time later, you need to get your very nice ass over here and deal with Appa. He keeps shooting me dirty looks like it's my fault you went to his hated team."

"Okay... I will do my best. In the meantime just tell him to blame me."

"How will I do that? Appa's as in love with you as I am," I said. "Watch... He'll stay mad at me but be all My Joon this... My Joon that..."

He chuckled over the phone and I felt myself smile too. Even his laugh is sexy. It's not fair.

"Do you have to go to work today?" He asked softly. "I can bring you some lunch after the interview."

"No... I called out. I feel a migraine coming on," I replied. "I can't even open the curtains without feeling like smashing my head against the wall."

"Please don't do that. You have a really pretty head."

"You're so corny," I said, but I Iaughed anyway, making my head hurt even more. "Ow... Don't make me laugh. Even my hair hurts."

"Have you been to the doctor about this?"

"Yes. She said it might be the birth control pills," I said hesitantly.

"Can't you switch to another brand?" He asked.

"I've tried the other brands. One gave me severe abdominal pain. The next one made me so nauseous I couldn't eat anything for days. The last one made my vision blurry. How am I supposed to work like that? I work with computers. This was the one that gave me the least side effects, so I'm sticking with it." He was so quiet that I worried the line had been cut off. "Hello? Jagiya?"

"Jagiya... How do you feel about stopping the pills altogether?"

"What? That's absurd," I replied.

"Why is it absurd? It's hurting you and we're getting married soon."

"But..." I paused and took a deep breath. "What if we get pregnant? "

"Then we get pregnant." I lifted the phone off my ear and stared at it for a few minutes, wondering what happened to Joon. "Jagiya, I just got here. I have to go."

"We're not done talking though," I said.

"I know... Think about it and we'll talk when I get out of here. Text me what you want to eat and I'll swing by the boarding house on my way to the gym. Take something for that headache and I'll call you soon as I'm out. I love you."

"I love you more, Joon-ah."

I smiled when he pressed a kiss to the phone and I kissed the phone too before the call disconnected. Snuggling back under the covers, I almost forgot to take medication before I fell back asleep. Padding to the kitchen to grab something for my headache, I studiously ignored Appa's glare. I took the pills with a little water before I went back to my bedroom. Within a few minutes I was back in bed and back asleep.

## 8:00 a.m.

## Jae Joon

"Mr. Kim," Yoon Hyeong Shik said, greeting me with a handshake. "You're early, but that's not a problem. I must say I never thought this day would ever come. Please, sit down." He motioned me towards an upholstered chair and I sat down as he requested.

"Yeah, I didn't think this day would ever come, as well," I answered unabashedly. "But I always honour my promises, so here I am."

"Do you mind if I record the interview?" He asked.

"No, not at all," I responded. "Before we begin, can I ask what kind of interview this would be? Is it more sports related or a personal profile? I just need to tell my manager... He's a bit particular about how he does PR on my work."

"To answer your question, I would like for this to be a more personal profile... to give people a window on who you are as a man. And about your manager... that's totally understandable. That's his job. I'm actually surprised that he's not here today," he commented. "Unless, of course, he's coming? Do we need to wait?"

"No, that's not necessary. He trusts my judgment." I tried to assume a professional pose and smiled at him encouragingly, just like I've seen Jung Jin Hyung do a million times before. "Should we begin?"

"First question... Have you decided who to play for? You caused quite a stir coming back to Korea after what could have possibly been one of the best post injury comebacks in Korean baseball history. Everyone wants to know... What's next for Kim Jae Joon?"

"I have. I will be playing for the Doosan Bears. Seoul will remain my home city and Jamsil Baseball Stadium will be the home venue."

"Why the Bears? Any particular reason? I know your old catcher Jo In Sung plays for the Twins... why not go there?"

"Ahh... I would like to keep challenging myself first and foremost. But more importantly, there would have been a conflict of interest... but rest assured, it wasn't because I didn't have the utmost respect for the Twins, as an organization. It just wasn't the right time."

"Will you still play with #77?"

"Yes. Of course. That will always be my number."

"Who would you say have been your most influential role models?"

"I have a few of course... All my coaches have impacted me in some way or another. But I really have to credit my father, who taught me about working hard and persevering against all odds. He's made an honest living all his life and his work ethic was amazing. And also, Sung Dong Il."

"Sung Dong Il? Isn't that the coach for your new team's biggest rival?" He looked at me with a surprised look on his face. "How do you know him? Did he coach you at some point?"

"No... No, nothing like that. My cousin... He moved into the boarding house ran by Sung Dong Il-ssi and his wife when we were all at Yonsei. I got to know him at that time... Not just as a coach but also as a person. I admire the way that he is. He was the one who really taught me what it meant to be present for your family. Between him and my Appa I not only learned how to be a good ballplayer but how to be a good person in general. I am deeply honoured that I have them both in my life. "

"Now... Onto the difficult topics... You know I have to ask about your injury," he said with a little hesitation.

"Yes. I had a feeling that was going to come up."

"How bad was the injury? None of us were told the specifics and your people have kept mum about it that even to this day none of us are really quite sure what happened."

"To make a long story short, I had a couple of tears on my pitching shoulder. The options initially presented to me was only surgery and physical therapy. However, with the help of Dr. Kim Jung Gook, I was able to pursue another less known alternative and thankfully it worked. I would disclose the name of the specialist who did the treatment, but I didn't get a chance to speak to him first, and I am unsure about whether he would want me to mention him yet."

"That must have been a very challenging period... During the injury, with you not knowing if any of those options were viable, and after the injury as well... With it being so uncertain that the treatment was going to work."

"Yes.. It was a very, very dark time. I was in a lot of pain, and the thought of losing my shoulder... It made me question everything. Not just my career but my life too. I was always so sure of my path. To have that taken away from me... Saying it was rough is putting it mildly. But in a lot of ways, it had been a blessing in disguise."

"How do you mean?"

"Going through something like that... Hitting that low point, it really humbled me and taught me a lot about not just about myself but about life as well. It taught me that life isn't always fair, and it will disappoint me sometimes, and sometimes it might even break my heart. But life also gives me beautiful moments, moments that are worth waiting for. All I needed to do was open my eyes to see that there are things that take my breath away everywhere I turn. Life gave me another chance."

"To keep playing baseball?" He continued to watch me, riveted.

"Not just that... It gave me a chance for redemption. Absolution. It gave me an opportunity to grow and showed me the things and people that really mattered. It had been an eye-opening experience to see that I had people who truly cared. Having a great support system made all the difference. I knew then, that with or without baseball, I will be okay. It changed my perspective and my outlook. It changed me."

"It's been discussed in many forums, as you probably know, but people are still shaking their heads and wondering what reason you could possibly have to stay here and play. We don't know exact numbers, of course, but surely your projected salary in America would have been exponentially larger than your salary here."

He looked at me quizzically and I smiled. I know there's been full sections of news reports dedicated to this topic. Jung Jin Hyung made me aware, of course, but I never bothered to watch or read. Let them speculate... That's always been my philosophy, but I did agree to this interview.

"I love baseball. I would have played it anywhere. I have in the past. Rain or shine, in a country field or a university field, with no one watching or with everyone watching. It didn't matter to me. It still doesn't. Money is fluid. If I want it, I'll earn it. If someone needs it, I give it. I stood to gain more by staying and playing in Korea than I had to lose by not playing in America. The equation was clear cut and making this particular decision had been that simple."

"Things like what?" He examined me closely, as if looking for any signs of duplicity, but I am a man who nothing to hide.

"Family... Relationships... But most of all, something no one can ever replace or buy... Time. To me, those things are priceless. Baseball had taken center stage in my life for so long that I missed so much of what was going on around me... And don't get me wrong, it's given me a lot in return too but after playing it for almost fifteen years, I'm ready to see and experience everything else. I want to spend more time with my family and friends. I want to get married and I hope... Have children one day. And I would like to be able to do my best, not just in baseball but in life as well. I may not succeed all the time, but I would like the opportunity to be able to keep trying. And I can't do that from 5,000 miles away. At this point in my life, that's no longer a sacrifice I'm willing to make."

"Which brings us to the next question, and the very reason how I got this exclusive interview to begin with... I spot the ring on your right hand and you said you would do the interview if your relationship became official. Is it safe to assume that it has become quite serious?"

"Yes. We are engaged to be married in a few months."

He smiled at me then nodded in understanding. "Congratulations. I will ask another question, and feel free not to answer if you're uncomfortable with it, but by nature of my profession, I have to ask. Most well-known public figures wait until they're in their late 30s and 40s before they even think about settling down. You are only 26 years old. Why the rush?"

I looked at him straight in the eyes before I responded. "To be frank... Mainly because I'm feeling sentimental since you actually were present at one of my very first dates with my fiancée. Whether it be a year, or five years, ten years, a hundred years from now, it will still be the same woman for me. So I could marry her now, or I could marry her in ten years. Either way, I'm marrying her. I'm just choosing to start our life together as soon as possible. Na Jeong's done a lot for me. She believed in me when I didn't even believe in myself and accepted all of me, both the good and bad sides, when no one else could have. She loved me through all that." I took a deep breath and smiled at him. Talking about her, even thinking about her makes me happy. "She saved my life. I will give her my future for compensation."

"She sounds like a remarkable woman. What does she do for a living? I bet she's a big baseball fan," he commented and I started laughing.

"She is incredible. The best. She's an extremely private person so I won't share too much, but I can tell you this... You will lose in that bet... She's not into baseball. In fact she never even watched a baseball game until the first time she saw me play. She's not impressed by my baseball career at all. I like that. She doesn't allow my ego to become over-inflated."

"Would it be too much to ask for a picture on your wedding day?" He asked.

"I'll do you one better... I'll send you an invitation to the wedding. Is it okay to send it here?"

"Yes... That's fine. But Kim Jae Joon-ssi, how about another exclusive with you and your new wife after?" He asked hopefully.

"Well," I said, standing up. "I'm afraid I can't help you with that. I don't think my Manager will let me keep granting exclusives for free, though. Let's see how it is when the time comes..."

## January 17, 2002

## 5:30 p.m.

## Na Jeong

I pulled my phone out of my purse as I walked out of my office building only to read a message from Joon telling me he's outside waiting for me. It's about time he showed up. After dropping off some juk for me two days ago, he went straight to the gym, and though I've spoken to him after he got back to the apartment and yesterday too, he didn't speak to Appa, and Appa, in turn, hasn't spoken to me. Still. Ever since Joon texted him the news. Which was almost five days ago.

I quickened my steps and saw him leaning against his car, dressed in jeans and a long sleeved shirt, topped with a thick coat. He had a baseball cap on and for one second I was transported back to 1994, when our journey began, and it felt like I was looking at Chilbong from years and years ago. Do not soften, I told myself, even if it is his birthday. He needs to fix this thing with Appa.

"Jagiya," he called out as he walked towards me.

I allowed myself to admire his long legs as he got closer, his strides graceful. My eyes travelled to his lean hips and his broad shoulders, thinking it unfair that he can look so good wearing things that normal people look, well, normal in. Things have been so hectic that we haven't been able to spend too much alone time together, and afraid to incite any more of Appa's wrath, I've stayed home every night this week. Joon went back to his Appa's last weekend and didn't get back until late on Sunday. We haven't spent quality time together since last Friday and I'm becoming antsy.

Thoughts from his birthday last year drifted through my head and even now, I can still feel myself blush. Maybe we can... NO. I already texted the gang to forget whatever plan Joon texted them with and come to the boarding house for dinner instead. However I asked them to show up an hour and a half after the time I knew we'd be getting home. Omma already sent me a message confirming that Appa arrived home from work. We will deal with this tonight.

"Happy birthday, Joon-ah," I whispered when he finally reached my side and wrapped his arms around my waist. I don't know if it was for his sake or mine, but I pressed a small kiss on his mouth. Soft, soft lips met mine and my hands automatically tightened as I closed my eyes. Uncaring about who could have been watching, I felt liberated from all those worries. We are getting married after all. If Appa doesn't kill him first. At this, I abruptly broke away from him and narrowed my eyes.

"Yah... Sung Na Jeong... It's my birthday," he complained, taking my hand as he started leading me to the car.

"Joon-ah... I know it's your birthday," I said carefully. "And I have your gift."

"You do?" He asked brightly as he opened the car door for me. I sat in the passenger seat and watched him make his way to the driver's side. One in the car, he turned to me with a smile and held his hand out. "Where is it?"

"You don't get to have it until you talk to Appa," I said and met his eyes, challenging him to say no. "I'm tired of being in the middle... He's treating me like I was this temptress who lured you to the Bears. I mean it, Joon. You don't get to have any until Appa forgives you."

He blinked at me, incredulous, before inserting the key into the ignition and starting the car. He smoothly pulled out into the traffic silently but I felt his eyes on me when we reached the stoplight.

"Wow... Na Jeong-ah... You're really tough," he stated. "I'll speak to him when I take you home tonight. We already have plans with our friends."

"You'll speak to him now," I responded curtly. "As for those said plans, I cancelled the reservation, and told everyone to come to the boarding house instead. You have an hour and a half before they come. Let's hope they won't need to pull Appa off you." I looked away from him and looked straight out the windows. "He'll be okay, he says," I muttered to myself, shaking my head.

"Fine. I'll speak to him now. But not because of your threat," he answered quietly. "You've forgotten... I know exactly what makes your knees go weak, Na Jeong. If I really wanted to, I could 'persuade' you right now and we would find ourselves at the apartment and no one would get to see us..." I turned my gaze to his face, still focused on the road, with his hands lightly on the steering wheel. He stopped at the red light and met my eyes. "... For days."

Omo. He's right. I broke the stare first and fought the urge undo one of the buttons on my shirt. I felt so warm.

"Good," I said, trying to make my voice sound as tough as possible. "Then we've agreed." I won this round, right? He's doing what I want but somehow I feel like I didn't win. That's important, right? I don't know why I'm competitive, but...

My thoughts were interrupted when I noticed that we had arrived at the house. Grabbing my purse from the floor, it was only now that I noticed the medium box that was on the corner of the footwell.

"Joon-ah... What's that?" I asked him, pointing to the box.

"That's actually for you. Appa sent it with me when I saw him this past weekend. He said it's your engagement gift."

I picked it up and held it securely as I pushed the passenger door close and waited for Joon on the sidewalk.

"Jagiya... What is in this thing?" I asked. It wasn't light, but it wasn't heavy, either. Afraid it was fragile, I didn't want to shake it around. Joon was zipping up his coat when he responded. He grabbed a small plastic bag from the back of the car then joined me.

"I don't know, either. He forbade me to open it."

I looked at the box one more time before Joon took my hand and we walked the path to the house. When we reached the door, I took a deep breath even as he squeezed my hand reassuringly. Surely he's the one that needed to be worried, yet I'm the one freaking out. I don't want to be a widow before I'm even married.

We walked into the house and Omma was on the phone, writing something down furiously. Appa was sitting on the couch, so engrossed in his conversation on his handphone he barely spared us a glance. I shrugged my shoulders at Joon even as Sook Sook launched himself on him. I heard his voice telling Joon about his day and between that, Omma's conversation, and Appa's conversation, I can't understand what anyone was talking about.

I put my purse down and sat down on the floor and motioned for Joon to join Appa on the couch. Appa, as if finally noticing that Joon had joined him on the couch, tried to scoot away from him. I quickly glanced at Joon's face, expecting to see him hurt, but he just grinned and moved closer.

Finally, Omma finished her call and joined us.

"Joon-ah, happy birthday!" She said, embracing him as he stayed sitting. "Why are you sitting so close to Appa?"

"I love Appa," Joon answered.

Appa fixed him a dirty look as he hung up his call before he spoke. "Yeobo... I smell a rat... You..." he said, pointing to Joon accusingly. "You love Appa, my ass. Didn't I tell you? Didn't I tell you years ago that you are allowed to play for anyone but the Bears?" Appa was yelling so loudly he was red in the face. "How could you? I changed my mind. GO BACK TO AMERICA! I CAN'T HANDLE THIS! I ONLY REQUESTED THAT YOU DON'T JOIN THAT... THAT AWFUL TEAM!!"

I watched, fascinated, at the drama that unfolded in front of me. Appa looked like he was about to spontaneously combust any minute. I glanced over at Omma, who just gave me a sheepish look, and Sook Sook, who was watching Appa with his mouth slightly open. Joon, to his credit, looked properly apologetic as Appa stood up and started pacing in front of the television, as I have been known to do in times of extreme stress. Omma, trying to lighten the mood, spoke up a tad too brightly.

"Na Jeong-ah... It's been a strange day. I've had about twenty seven calls since this morning from people wanting to know if we were still renting out rooms for college students. I've had to tell them that we no longer do that, of course, but I am not entirely sure how they even knew about that. We haven't accepted any new boarders since you guys graduated and we never advertised, really," she said, shaking her head. "And Appa said his phone hasn't stopped ringing either... Just a little while ago, some newspaper called asking him for an interview. It's so out of the blue... Appa's been asked for interviews before but never when not in season."

"I wonder what's going on with that? I've had a strange day, too..."

"Noona," Sook Sook said, tugging on my sleeve. "Want to know my friends were asking me? Uhmmm... They asked if Appa was my Appa... And if Omma..."

"Sook Sook-ah... You can tell both Noona and Joon Hyung later, okay?" I told him before directing my attention back to Omma. "Omma... When I got to work this morning, there was this huuugggeeee flower arrangement on my desk from the Weekly Sports."

"Ahh..." Joon began to say and I smiled at him. Seriously he is so predictable.

"I KNEW it was from you! Aaaannnndddd...."

"HOW WILL I EVER SHOW MY FACE TO ANYONE AGAIN??" Appa interrupted and we all looked over to him to see that he still continued his pacing. "IMAGINE THAT! I FINALLY HAVE YOU AS A SON-IN-LAW AND I CAN'T EVEN SHOW YOU OFF BECAUSE YOU PLAY FOR THE BEARS! THE BEARS!" He started pounding on his heart vigorously and Omma sighed before turning her attention back to me.

"What were you saying?" She asked, urging me to continue.

"My email account was bombarded with emails from people I haven't spoken to since college... There was that guy who I worked with at the burger joint... What was his name?" I searched my mind for a name and came up with a blank. "I can never remember it..."

"Na Jeong-ah..." I heard Joon say before Omma spoke.

"Maybe you just haven't checked your email in years. Maybe they were old?" Omma asked.

"I thought that too, at first... But all the emails were dated from today. And they were all giving me their address. I hope I didn't get volunteered for a social committee at Yonsei or something..."

"I'M DISOWNING YOU!" Appa yelled at Joon, suddenly stopping mid stride. "YOU CAN'T MARRY NA JEONG! MY DAUGHTER WILL NOT MARRY YOU!"

Joon, who just a few minutes ago looked mildly amused and not a little confused, now stood up, his palms up in surrender, his face resolute. "You can't renege on an engagement, Appa..." he said.

"DON'T CALL ME APPA! CALL ME COACH-NIM! BETTER YET, CALL ME SUNG DONG IL-SSI! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW YOU! HOW CAN SOMEONE WHO PLAYS FOR THE BEARS BE MY SON?"

"Appa," Joon said gently. "I wasn't just thinking about me... I was thinking of you too. And Na Jeong."

"DON'T YOU SAY HER NAME TO ME! YOU AND I... WE COULD HAVE HAD A BRIGHT FUTURE TOGETHER... BUT YOU HAD TO GO AND FALL IN LOVE WITH HER!!!"

"APPA!" I said, shocked. I knew he loved Joon, but really...

"Appa, Na Jeong had nothing to do with this," he tried to say, even though we both know I did. "I made this decision on my own." Even though he didn't. Liar, I thought as I frowned at him. "Please don't make it sound like I just fell in love with her. I've loved her for eight years. Wait... Just wait a minute..."

I was about to ask him what he wants Appa to wait for when he reached into the bag he brought and pulled out a pile of magazines. How was this going to help anything? Appa looked like he was preparing to tackle Joon onto the ground and I prepared to shield myself over Joon, if that was necessary. He handed one to Omma, then to me, before putting one on the coffee table for Appa, as if giving him a peace offering.

Omma had looked at the magazine cover in surprise before quickly turning the pages to a specific location. Curious now, I looked at the magazine in my hands to see a picture of Joon on the front.

"Is this the interview from a couple of days ago?" I asked him. He nodded in response. "They published it so quickly."

"Ah, jagiya..."

"DON'T CALL HER THAT!" Appa yelled.

Joon looked at him before speaking back to me. "Sung Na Jeong-ssi... They wanted to release the interview on my birthday. They sent a courier to the apartment with a dozen copies this morning."

"This looks like a pretty extensive article Joon-ah... It's a few pages chronicling your career, with clips from interviews they've done with your coaches. Ah... Here's the interview they did with you," she said. She read for a few minutes before she continued. "Joon-ah... You sound so grown-up in your answers... Omma's really proud of you. Yeobo, listen to this..."

Omma started reading part of the article out loud and I listened absentmindedly as I read the article on my own. When I reached Appa's name, I sent him a smile. Ah... So this was the plan. Joon knows just the way to Appa's heart. Omma continued to read, and even though Appa tried not to look interested, I can tell he was listening too.

"Well this is interesting. I don't think I've ever read a more personal article on you before... 'Who would you say have been your most influential role models?' I don't think they've ever delved into that before, right, Joon?" Omma read his response quietly before she gasped.

"What?" Appa said. "What did he say?"

Omma looked at Appa with a smile before she proceeded to read Joon's response out loud. "Well... He said, 'I have a few of course... All my coaches have impacted me in some way or another. But I really have to credit my father, who taught me about working hard and persevering against all odds. He's made an honest living all his life and his work ethic was amazing. And also..." Omma took a deep breath. " ... Sung Dong Il."

My father's lips twitched into a smile before he quickly covered it up. "I don't believe you. That boy didn't say that."

"Yeobo, he did... Look. It's right here. He explains why he said your name..." She motioned for my father to come closer and read the article himself. Though Appa hesitated for a minute, he soon relented and grabbed the magazine that Joon had placed on the coffee table and leafed through its pages to read the interview.

I waited as he finished reading Joon's answer and by the time he put the magazine down, there were no traces of anger on his face. His features softened and he mumbled, "At least this time he mentioned me in this interview... Of course I am his role model... I taught him so many things..."

Joon's face broke out into a happy smile when he heard Appa's words and gave him a bear hug. "Appa, you'll forgive your future son-in-law, right?" Joon asked.

"For now... And dream on if you think you can invite your new coach to the wedding," he whispered to Joon in warning, though he didn't pull his arms away. Omma and I watched quietly even though she looked like she was about to burst out laughing.

"Yes Appa! The entire coaching team will not be invited," Joon replied to Appa in seriousness.

"Noona," Sook Sook said, "why does Appa look like he's about to start kissing Hyung?"

"Because he probably is," I responded. "Aigoo... All this drama and for what? All he needed to do was to say his name in the article and all was resolved. Appa... I haven't forgotten how you didn't speak to me for days! DAYS! I'M YOUR DAUGHTER!"

Appa didn't even respond to me as he now sat next to Joon, holding the magazine almost reverently rereading that particular passage. I shot him a glare before I resumed reading the rest of the article. Omma was right... Joon did sound articulate and mature. And this interview was indeed very personal. My heart warmed with pride as I continued reading and the smile that had been forming on my face stayed there as I reached the end of the interview until...

"YAH!!! KIM JAE JOON!!! You said my name?!?!?!" I cried in horror. I stood up and walked towards him, but Appa stood in front of Joon with one of his hands on my forehead, keeping me an arm's length away from the-soon-to-be-strangled-by-his-future-wife Joon. What is this? Just a few minutes ago he looked like he was about to kill him and now he's protecting him from me. My, how the tables have turned. "DO YOU WANT TO DIE???"

"Na Jeong-ah... Jagiya... I didn't say your full name!" He replied.

"Yeah... He didn't say your full name," Appa echoed, and I wondered if I can hit them both at the same time. "Sung Na Jeong! Don't threaten my future son-in-law!"

"You don't think people who even know of either of us will put it together?" At his enquiring glance, I rattled on. "You said there would be a conflict of interest if you played with the Twins... You said Appa's name... And about the boarding house. People already know you went to Yonsei, and now you're engaged to a woman named Na Jeong. It wouldn't take a genius to connect all the dots!"

"Noona... Some of my friends asked if I had a sister named Na Jeong! You're famous, Noona! That's what I was trying to tell you earlier!" Sook Sook said happily.

"Where was Jung Jin Hyung during this interview?" I asked Joon. "Because you are a public relations nightmare."

"He let me handle this interview myself. And I disagree with you about me being a PR nightmare. In fact I think I am a PR dream! The magazine sold out within hours..." Joon answered. "In the whole country."

"That's because you just say whatever! Yah..." I said warningly, "You can forget about your present."

He clucked his tongue at me but stopped when he saw my eyes, and I'm sure that he saw how serious I was. His gaze softened as he gave me a chagrined smile. "I love you, Na Jeong-ah."

"I hate you..." I said back to him. "... right now."

Omma broke out in peals of laughter and Sook Sook followed suit. Appa just continued to watch us with a smile and Joon... Joon just continued staring at me like I was the only one who existed. In the haze of my anger it just registered now what he had said about me.

'She saved my life. I will give her my future for compensation.'

My heart filled with happiness inside me. And though I wanted to stay angry, I can't. Because I wasn't the only one doing the saving. He saved me too. So I guess I will have to return the favour, for compensation, just like him.

## March 14, 2002

## 8 p.m.

## Jae Joon

"Joon Hyung, you like baseball, right?" Sook Sook asked as I folded the book I was reading to him closed. I looked at his little face watching me expectantly.

In the dark, I glanced around the living room floor, littered with little boys sleeping, and I smiled. Finally... I managed to fulfil a promise I made more than a year ago. Sook Sook wanted me to come for his sleepover, and here I am. Better late than never, right?

Omma and Appa came in hours ago but left me alone with the kids, no doubt grateful for some time alone. Na Jeong went out shopping with Yoo Jin and is not due to come back for another half hour. I'm hoping that by that time Sook Sook will be asleep and she and I can celebrate White Day properly, since I was already in San Francisco at this time last year. I had sent her some flowers at work earlier, along with a box of chocolates and an invitation to dinner. It was only then that she reminded me that I had already promised to be here tonight for Sook Sook's sleepover.

Seeing how happy it made him to have me here made being wrestled and tackled by a half dozen of his playmates worthwhile. I forget sometimes, how it felt to that young. Being here with them reminded me of being a kid, except this time I'm surrounded by laughter and joy. This period goes by so fast... Even in just the two years since I've been back in his life, he'd already shot up about two inches in height and put on some weight.

His expectant face stayed upturned towards me and I realized I never answered his question. "Yeah... I like baseball," I responded. "Why are you asking me that?"

"I like baseball, too. I want to be a pitcher like you. Do you think I can do that?" His eyes were hopeful and full of dreams, and I smiled.

"Sook Sook-ah... you can be anything you want to be. If you want to play baseball you can do it," I answered slowly. "But... If you want to be other things, you can do that, too. Your Omma and Appa... They tell me all the time about how smart you are, and your Noona says you like to draw. Right now you can do whatever makes you happiest. And you don't just have to be one thing. You can do anything you set your mind to."

"I like to draw the best, but I'm not very good at it. Appa is a coach, and you're a pitcher, so I should play baseball." His little voice sounded so adamant I almost laughed until I realized that this while he was still only a child in my eyes, this was very serious for him. I wasn't much older than he was when I started playing baseball. Of course this was important.

"If you like to draw the most, you can keep working on it until you're good. I wasn't very good at baseball at first. But I worked hard, and I got better. You can do that also."

"And now you're the best!" He exclaimed. "That's what Noona says. And Noona is always right."

"There's always room for improvement, but yes, I'm pretty good," I agreed with a chuckle.

He stayed quiet for a few minutes and I thought he had fallen asleep until I heard him speak quietly again.

"Joon Hyung..." he said, and I heard the worry in his voice. What could he possibly be worried about?

"Hmm?" I closed my eyes as I waited for him to continue.

"Once you and Noona are married, you'll still visit, right? I... I really love Noona." I opened my eyes and noted his trembling lip and ruffled his hair.

"Yah... We'll be here so much you'd think we still lived here. Nothing's going to change, except your Noona will sleep over at our house at night. But she'll be here to help you with homework, and we'll watch your games, and attend all your parties. Maybe, sometimes, you can stay over at our house when you don't have school," I reassured him.

"What about you? You won't get mad if I ask Noona to come over a lot, right? Because Noona makes me laugh and Haitai Hyung said he wants to get married after you get married and then I'll be alone."

I know how he felt... I was there once. I understood his fears, and sympathized greatly. I may be his Hyung, but in his young mind, I may also appear as the person who will take his Noona away. I took a few minutes to choose my words carefully, knowing that he will take whatever I say to heart.

"Sook Sook-ah... Your Noona loves you very much. And I love you very much, too. We want you to be happy. We're not leaving you... don't think of it like that, okay? Instead... you get to have two houses. One here, where you stay with Omma and Appa, and one with us. You can stay in either, whenever you want. As long as it's okay with everybody, it's fine with me. I like having a little brother," I lifted his chin so I could look him in the eyes. "Did you know I was an only child?" He shook his head no.

"Well, I was. I wished for a long time I had a brother or sister to play with. So having you is like a gift. It's like my prayer has been answered and now I get to be your Hyung. And your Noona... I'm sure she sees you like that as well. I promise ... That I will never keep her away from you. You have my word on that, and I'm telling you this man to man." I reached a hand out to him. "Should we shake on it? That's what gentlemen do, when they make a deal."

He looked at me suspiciously, brows furrowed, and for a minute his expression looked so much like the one I see so often on Na Jeong's face I almost laughed. But then he finally reached his hand out and shook mine. He looked so earnest doing it, biting his lower lip, and I knew he believed me.

"Hyung... I love you too. Noona smiles a lot now... You make Noona happy," he said as he burrowed closer to my chest, his voice sleepy.

"Is that right?" I asked him and I heard a soft giggle. "What's so funny?"

"Noona says that a lot!" He crowed and I started chuckling as well. In fact I was still chuckling when I noticed that he'd gone quiet, his breathing slowing down to a steady rhythm. I gathered the cover closer to him before I allowed myself to relax. I had just closed my eyes when I felt someone hovering over me and I heard her voice.

"Oh no you don't, " she said quietly. "You're not allowed to fall asleep, yet. You promised me a special night."

"Jagiya... When did you get back?" I asked. "Has it been half an hour already?"

"I got back a few minutes ago... But you were so focused on your conversation with Sook Sook you didn't even notice," she smiled at me. Sook Sook's right... Na Jeong does have a pretty smile. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah... It was good." I peeled Sook Sook's arms off from me before lifting myself up slowly off the floor. I put an arm around her as we walked to the kitchen. "How did shopping go?"

"It was productive. I bought a couple of things that you might like."

"You bought stuff for me?" I asked, surprised.

"Sort of," she answered cryptically and I smiled. God bless Na Jeong and her love of lingerie. "You want to see?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively and I pressed a kiss to her lips.

"We should probably go back to the apartment, huh?"

"Yes," she said definitively. "Let me just tell Omma and Appa we're leaving."

I watched as she walked to her parents' room slowly and heard her voice quietly call out to them. Within a couple of minutes she was back by my side and we made our way out the front door. With one last look at Sook Sook to make sure he was asleep, I quietly closed the door behind me and followed Na Jeong onto the path. She wrapped an arm around my waist as we walked towards the car.

"I heard what you said to Sook Sook," she said. "About his dreams and me... And you... I heard all of it." She looked at me then, her eyes soft. "Jagiya... You're very good with him. Thank you for that. He's been looking at me funny since we started planning the wedding, and he wouldn't talk to any of us about it. I'm glad he felt like he could talk to you, at least."

"It's very easy to be good with him. He's a great kid. And I meant every word I said."

"I know... And that's what's so great. You talked to him like he was someone whose opinion mattered. Not like he was just a little kid. You didn't undermine what he was feeling or discount his worries because he was young," she continued. "It made me realize something."

"What?" I asked as we reached the car. She wrapped both her arms around my waist and looked up at me.

"You're going to make a great Appa." She smiled at me then, her face lighting up completely. "I have something to run by you."

I opened the car door for her and waited until she was sitting down before I walked over to the other side and got into the car. She stayed quiet as I pulled out of the parking space and onto the road towards the apartment. I didn't hear a peep out of her even as we reached the halfway point in our route.

"Are you hungry?" I asked, and she shook her head no. "I guess it's a little late for dinner. Sorry about that."

"It's okay... Yoon Jin and I had ddukbokki earlier," she responded. "Joon-ah... Aren't you going to ask what I wanted to talk to you about?"

"I knew you would talk about it when you're ready," I answered easily. "You know I'm not fussy."

"Well... You know I've come off the birth control pills..." She started. "And we've been making do under the circumstances..."

If by making do she meant reverting back to condoms and the rhythm method, then yes, I am very aware of what we've had to do. With the pregnancy scare still fresh in her mind, I had absolutely no problems letting her call all the shots in that department. But why are we talking about this now?

"... However, after seeing you with Sook Sook, I've decided that I'm okay with your initial proposal. I think we can stop using birth control altogether."

It took me a few minutes to digest what she just said, and I parked the car slowly onto a space in my apartment building's lot. I put the gear to P before I allowed myself to look at her.

"Hold on..." I said. "Are you saying you want to have a baby?"

"Not necessarily have one, like, right now. I'm just saying I'm open to practice making one." At my incredulous expression, she grinned. "Well... Do we have deal?"

She lifted her hand for a shake, and as I looked at it I realized that she must have seen me shake hands with Sook Sook. I leaned over and took her hand and placed it on my shoulder before I responded. When surprised hazel eyes met mine, I smiled.

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi, a handshake is done between business transactions and gentlemen," I whispered as my mouth hovered over hers. "This..." I said as I gave her lips a little lick. I watched as her eyes darkened before I proceeded. "This is how you and I seal our deals." Her mouth opened for a breath and I pressed my lips more firmly onto hers.

## Na Jeong

By the time we reached the apartment, my body was thrumming in anticipation. Joon entered the door code and allowed me in, but as soon as the door closed behind him, he had me pressed up against the wall, his fingers unbuttoning my blouse as his lips took mine. I unzipped his hoodie while he kissed me, throwing his cap to the floor. I kicked my heels off as my fingers found the hem of his shirt and lifted it off of him. We stared at each other intently, silently as he rubbed a thumb over the corner of my mouth as his mouth continued to taste and devoured. My heart raced inside my chest and my fingers itched to feel his skin and I reached my hand out to meet smooth warm skin.

Insistent, persistent, I could feel his hunger for me as he lifted me up to wrap my legs around his waist. I felt strong arms around me and sure hands cupping my bottom under my skirt. He nipped at my lips before his tongue met mine. When he broke our kiss, I opened my eyes to see him smiling down at me.

"Why are you smiling?" I asked, my voice husky.

"It never feels like I've ever done this before. Every time I kiss you, it's like the first time I had you pressed against Bing's door. It's very strange, don't you think?" He whispered as his mouth pressed a kiss on my collarbone and my neck. He let his tongue travel over a shoulder and I trembled in his arms. Sparks of pleasure exploded inside me when his teeth nipped the delicate skin between my neck and my shoulder. I felt him walking ever so slowly towards the bedroom, where he gently put me down on the bed.

My breath hitched as I watched him undress completely, and his hooded eyes watched me watching him and I felt like my body turned to molten liquid. I raised myself up on my knees as my mouth travelled his chest and his abdomen as my hand wrapped around his arousal. I felt his whole body tighten when I touched him slow strokes, savouring his every reaction. When at last I took him in my mouth I heard him moan and felt satisfaction pulse through me. I licked and I laved, and the feel of tightly reined control that vibrated through his body heightened my senses. I felt a large hand on my hair, touching tenderly and my eyes met his, his expression open with passion. He cupped my cheek for a moment before he laid me down on the bed, his fingers continuing to undo all the buttons on my shirt then continued to unzip my skirt. When I was only left in my bra and my panties he sat back, and let his gaze travel over me, taking in my hair spread over his pillows, my body flushed with warmth and my lips tender from his kisses. He grinned at me then and my heart stopped. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I took my bra off and threw it down the side of the bed.

He continued to watch me silently, his eyes raking over each inch of skin I revealed. My fingers hooked over my panties and I slowly lowered them off my hips, and Joon bit his bottom lip as his eyes blazed with desire. Just as I was convinced he was just going to look at me all night long, he covered my body with his weight, his arousal pressed against my core. He flexed his hips once as he took a nipple in his mouth. I watched as his pretty lips sucked and kissed both of my breasts, my core getting wetter with each passing minute. His mouth travelled down my abdomen, his fingers finding my wetness surely and confidently.

When his mouth travelled to the softest part of me I sighed his name. I felt his tongue explore and adore, a long finger slipping inside me to stroke and arouse. I watched as he loved me with his mouth with single minded focus, the pleasure building up inside me from his ministrations. My hips started moving with the rhythm of his fingers and my climax came swiftly, deliciously, and I rode its waves even as he continued to kiss my core, crying out his name, my whole body alive and completely in the present. He lifted himself up as I descended from my peak and slowly slipped himself inside me.

He watched my face as he joined his body with mine, my body fully ready to receive him. Inch by inch, I felt him stretch me as he filled me. My legs wrapped around his waist and he started moving. Languid, deliberate, unhurried, he flexed and he thrust as if this was the only place he wanted to be. Watching him as he moved over me, my heart filled with so much emotion I felt overwhelmed. Pleasure and love mingled through my whole being as he coaxed my body into surrender. Eyes locked together, he took my lips in his as I sobbed his name out again, my core contracting tightly around him, my back arched.

Before I could recover, he rolled onto his back, our bodies still joined together. I placed my hands on his solid chest as I lifted myself up off him before sliding myself back down. My fingers know this body, I thought, perhaps as well as I knew my own. I know his angles and his scars... I know his taste and his every sound. It wasn't long until my body found its rhythm and I felt the thrill of being the one controlling his reaction and his moans. I scored my nail against one nipple and he groaned and grabbed my waist as his hips lifted off the bed to meet my every undulation. I rode him harder and faster, my body doing what it knows Joon loves, my fingers through his hair. Just as pleasure unfurled itself inside me for a third time, he stiffened in my arms and he chanted my name. His tightly shut eyes opened and met mine as he continued to move his hips, my center contracting against him as he emptied himself inside me. We stayed bound together, our arms tightly wound around each other, as if unwilling to let go. He pressed a kiss to my mouth and nibbled on my lips delicately.

"I love you, Na Jeong. Forever. Always," he whispered against my mouth.

"I love you more. To infinity," I responded and he started chuckling. "What?"

"I knew you were going to say that," he responded. "So competitive."

"You love that about me," I said.

"You're right. But I love all of you. Don't ever forget that."

"You can still remind me sometimes," I suggested.

"Call."

When at last our heartbeats have slowed down, I laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes.

"Jagiya," I hear Joon say quietly. "I called the Ritz and confirmed our wedding date."

"You did? I thought they said the venue we wanted wasn't available?"

"I told them how much you loved the space and how happy it made you to be in it, and how happy it made me to see you happy, and magically the date and time became available. We might have to do the ceremony in one space and the reception in the bigger one that you like, though," he said. "I couldn't change that."

"Joon-ah, that's amazing," I said. "I guess having a Major Leaguer husband-to-be does have its perks."

"Yah..." He replied, indignant. "I come with a lot of perks."

I chuckled against his chest as I felt his fingers on my hair. "Yeah... I can think of a few. We'll need to schedule the menu and cake tasting before the end of the month, " I informed him. "You start training in April, and it will be busy for you then. I'm sure the last thing you want to worry about is planning a wedding."

"I want to be part of everything. It's my wedding too."

"I got it," I teased. "You realize most men would be more than happy to let their women decide and plan everything, right?"

"I'm not most men," he answered and I smiled.

"No, you're not. And I'm grateful for that."

His fingers have stilled and I knew he must have fallen asleep. It was only then that I allowed myself some sleep as well.

## April 24, 2002

## 6:00 p.m.

## Jae Joon

I was just finishing up icing my shoulder when my phone buzzed. I stood up from the bench in the locker room to pick it up when I spotted a message from Na Jeong.

Joon-ah... Can you swing by the supermarket and grab a melon after you get out of work? I just realized I haven't had any in a while and I really REALLY want some. You know which melons I'm talking about, right? Like the one you brought to the boarding house eight years ago. I love you. Make sure it's sweet!

Shaking my head, I wondered how I could possibly ascertain a melon's sweetness without opening it. I started taking off the bandage holding the ice in place and thought about her message. Why melons? For as long as I've known her, Na Jeong has never been a picky eater. I thought she ate everything under the sun. I quickly put a t-shirt back on and zipped my hoodie up. After putting my baseball cap on my head, I walked out of Jamsil Baseball Stadium and headed to the parking lot.

Na Jeong's been acting weird lately. I brought ddukbokki home last weekend and she wouldn't even let me open it. She said that even the smell made her nauseous. When we were watching television she started crying suddenly... Over a long distance phone card commercial. She's constantly complaining about how tired she is, and a few times when I called the boarding house after I got done late from work, Omma told me she'd already gone to bed directly after dinner... At 7:30 p.m. She mentioned that she's had a stomach virus for the last few days, throwing up almost every night, but I suspect the vomiting has been going on longer than that and she just hasn't told me.

As I started the car, I debated going to the apartment first and reading the pregnancy book that I still kept on my bedside drawer before going to the supermarket, but I don't want her to be asleep by the time I got to the boarding house. Not wanting to call either one of our Ommas, I opened my phone and dialled Yoon Jin's number. I waited for her to pick up the call and breathed a sigh of relief when I heard the call connect.

"Yoon Jin-ah?" I asked.

"Chilbong-ah!" I heard Samcheonpo say. "Why are you calling at this time? And Yoon Jin's number at that?"

"Ah... I just had to ask her something about Na Jeong. Is she around?"

"Yeah, she's just in the bathroom, throwing up," he said gleefully. He sounded way too happy for someone whose wife was ill. I was about to call him out on it when I heard his voice again. "We're pregnant. We were going to tell you when you come over for dinner next week, but since you called, why not now?"

"Congratulations!" I said sincerely. "When is she due?"

"Not until November... She always gets sick with anything and everything right now... But that should pass in a few weeks..."

While he was talking about Yoon Jin, it suddenly hit me that I might soon be having this conversation with other people for real. I should be nervous, but I'm not. Na Jeong and I have spoken about this in length, and I knew we were ready. It would just be nice to know for sure.

"... Oh here she is now. Yeobo, it's Chilbong. He said he had a question about Na Jeong," I heard him say. "I'm passing you over... I'll text you in a couple of days."

"Hello?" Yoon Jin said. "What's up?"

"Yoon Jin-ah... Has Na Jeong mentioned anything to you recently about not feeling well, or feeling strange?"

"Ahh... She said she's been a bit more tired than normal. And her stomach's been playing up," she replied. She didn't say any more yet I felt like she was holding something back.

"Was that all? She didn't say anything else?"

"Chilbong-ah... Why don't you ask her yourself? Women talk about certain things that I don't really think I should be talking to you about."

"Yoon Jin-ah... She's been having some weird cravings and ddukbokki makes her sick. And you know she loves ddukbokki. She has no energy at all and she cries at the drop of a hat. Na Jeong has never been a soft girl... You know that. I think..." I paused and took a deep breath. "I think she may be pregnant."

"WHAT?" She exclaimed and I shushed her. "I thought she was just having PMS or something... But she never told me about the cravings. That girl... I'm going to call her."

"Yoon Jin-ah... Let me talk to her first. Please don't say anything to anyone about this yet, and please don't mention anything about me calling you to her. I'll talk to her tonight. I have to go... I have to buy some melons."

"Melons?" She asked. "Why plural?"

"Well, she wants A melon so I have to bring it to her, but she said to make sure it's sweet. Would you happen to know how I can tell if it's ripe?" I asked, a little embarrassed.

"No... I don't know how to tell that without opening it. Sorry, Chilbong-ah."

"It's fine. Thanks, Yoon Jin-ah. We'll see you next week."

"Good night, Bong-ah," she said. "And congratulations, if she is."

I said a quick thank you and hung up the call. Driving straight to the supermarket, I went straight to the produce aisle once there. I stood in front of the pile of melons, watching the women that prodded and touched them as they picked one. I tried to replicate and imitate what I had observed them doing, but I had no clue what I was doing.

Knowing that I might be recognized, I just grabbed a few to take with me. I mean one of them have got to be sweet, right? I took my cart to the checkout lane and quickly paid. As I walked to the car, I wondered how in the world I will explain this to Omma and Appa. It's not as if I can just stroll into the house with a box full of melons and be conspicuous.

I put the box of melons down on the ground as I knocked at the door to the boarding house. Omma let me in with a smile but looked at me confused when she noted the box of melons I was balancing with my arms.

"Joon-ah... What in the world?" She asked.

"Ah, Omma... Na Jeong said she wanted a sweet melon and I wasn't sure how to tell if it was ripe, so I just bought a few," I explained as I changed into slippers. I watched as she walked into the living room and followed behind her.

"Na Jeong-ah! Joon's here!" She called out.

Appa was sitting on the couch, watching television. He took one look at me and started shaking his head.

"Aigoo... Are you going to let her boss you around? Who needs that many melons?" He asked and only now did I start getting nervous. I can't very well tell him that if our baby wants a sweet melon, then that's what I will provide. He's only just forgiven me for choosing the Bears, and now this... He'll definitely kill me. "Na Jeong-ah," he yelled out. "Chilbong's here!" When she didn't respond, he stood up. "That girl... I'll go get her."

"Appa... It's okay. I'll go see her, " I said as I went to the kitchen and carefully placed the box on the table, along with my car keys. I walked to her door and knocked.

"Jagiya? It's me..." I said gently. "Can I come in?"

When I received no answer, I placed my hand on the doorknob to open her door when all of a sudden the door opened and Na Jeong came into view. Eyes smeared with mascara and face wet with tears, she was bawling as she launched herself into my arms.

## Na Jeong

I was pulling pyjamas out of my closet after I texted Joon about the melons when a picture fell out of my closet. It had been the picture of me from eight years ago, when I had crazy hair, in front of a white background. The one I found in Joon's cap when he left for America. Astounded that I had kept it and that it had been in my closet all this time, I slowly sat back on the bed with it, pyjamas forgotten.

It seems so long ago now... When this all started. I forget, sometimes, how much we've had to go through to get to where we are. And yet... Yet I only need to think for one second to unlock all my memories of Joon. Like a movie playing in reverse, every memory I had of him came crashing back. From the time when he loved me from a distance, all the way to now. Most were of happy times, moments I want to cherish forever. But some... Some were of sad times too. I remembered what was perhaps the loneliest time of my life, the first time Joon left for America.

Directionless and in love with a man who had made a conscious choice to not love me back, I had drifted from day to day, holding on to the barest of hopes that I would even be in the same room as him again. I remembered my bravado, my insistence in wishing him good morning and good night, even though the mere thought of him killed me inside. I knew, even then, that I was changing, with the memory of his love for me forcing me to look at myself and my future in a different way. Sometimes the sadness in me felt so thick I was choked by it, and the weight of regret suffocated me. There had been many sleepless nights, worrying about him and his well-being and wondering what could have been. Though I thought about him endlessly, I had to stay strong. For me.

Because it was in that period of loneliness that I found myself. Because I saw, finally, what kind of love I deserved. And I knew that there was only one person whose love I wanted again. I wanted it so badly I could taste it. The love that was once given so freely to me, the love that had sheltered me and cushioned my falls, was gone and I felt like with its loss came a small death. Do you know what it's like to be haunted by ghosts of memories past? Taunting you and mocking you for the choices you've made? I do.

Throughout my youth I believed only in one dream, and never even considered why. I kept my eyes closed to the even better reality that had been waiting to be realized. I kept myself shielded from the love that had been waiting for me selflessly and faithfully.

When this awakening came, I knew. I knew that if Joon were to come back to me, I will love him in the same exact way, whether or not he still loved me. I will love him with no condition and no expectation, just as he had done for me. I will offer my heart as a gift, just like he did. It hadn't been a matter of ego, or pride, because the most empowering thing I have ever done in my life was take control of my heart. I got to know its every scar, its every crevice and every beat, and I accepted for whom it beats the strongest. No matter what happened, I owed him the knowledge that his love is returned and that he is loved deeply and wholly. He needed to know that the six years he had spent loving me had not been for nothing.

I knew when he finally returned that it was still a long shot that he would give me another chance. But I've then adopted his faith and his perseverance, and there was no turning back. I had already made my choice. I knew it wasn't going to be an easy road, but I was prepared to fight every battle for Joon's heart. Because he did it for me. And because he was worth it. Even with his flaws and imperfections, even with his demons and his mistakes, I will love him. I wanted to be the one whose love he thinks of as his shelter, as his blanket and his home. I wasn't sure of many things in my life. I like to deal in absolutes, but Joon was the chance that I would have taken over and over again. For us. For this.

And I had been wrong about a lot of things, but not about Joon. Never about Joon. Because look at us now... I have never in my life, ever felt more loved or more understood. He takes my anger and turns it into a smile, takes my sadness and transforms it to joy. I wasn't lying when I said he was my hero. He's flawed and so human, but he holds magic in his hands and his heart. And now I get to spend my life with him.

Emotions coiled and unfolded through me, and I felt tears fall unwittingly down my face. I don't know what's wrong with me... I cry so easily nowadays. I look around my room and saw pieces of Joon everywhere, tangible things that I held onto and continue to treasure as proof of what we have. As reminders to never take what I've been given for granted.

"Na Jeong-ah, it's me," I heard the most beautiful voice say from outside my door, and I stood up without saying a word. "Can I come in?"

I opened the door quickly and there he was. My dream came true, looking at me in concern as he studied the hysterical picture I'm sure I made. Love unfurled inside my chest and before I could even stop myself, I threw myself into his shocked arms. I let the smell of him wrap over me, and felt his strength cover me up tenderly. I smiled through my tears as I unwrapped my arms from his neck.

"Jagiya... What's the matter?" He asked, his eyes intently on my face, a callused finger brushing my tears away.

I shrugged my shoulders before I responded. "Nothing. Nothing's the matter. Everything is just... Perfect. I'm so scared." At this another wave of tears came and I started crying even harder. "How can it be so perfect? It can't possibly this good..."

"Jagiya... Slow down. Let's talk about it, okay?" He said as he led me back into my room. He sat me down on the bed and sat next to me, holding my hand quietly. "What's going on? Are you okay?"

"I'm just... It's just... I don't know what's wrong with me. I always want to sleep or I'm crying. I saw this picture of me from your cap and I started thinking about us. And about everything. And then I was happy then I was sad then I was happy again. I guess what I'm trying to say... Is thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for waiting for me. Just... Thank you."

I hiccupped and he just kept looking at me in concern. "You waited all those years, and I know how that feels, because I had to wait too, and I didn't even have to wait that long. And I know that it wasn't easy and you could have easily given up on me, and you didn't and you gave me another chance. I'm sorry I have verbal diarrhoea, and you probably think I'm crazy, but I swear it all makes sense in my head."

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and chuckled. "Na Jeong-ah... You don't have to explain it to me. I know how you feel because I felt the same way for so long. You were always worth it, though, and I would do it all over again for you." He took a deep breath before pressing his lips on my forehead. "And I don't think you're going crazy... I think you may be pregnant."

"What? Why would you think that?" I asked.

"Jagiya... When was the last time you had a period?"

"I had it last month... But it didn't even last a day. But my periods get like that with stress sometimes so I didn't think anything of it."

"Your food cravings are crazy... I caught you last week eating pepero sticks with a side of kkakdugi. I know they're both delicious individually, but they don't really go together. Also... How long have you been throwing up?"

"Maybe... Maybe the past few weeks? Maybe it's just acid reflux..."

"You have morning sickness, I think. I remember it from the pregnancy book."

"What pregnancy book? Also I only throw up in the evening, Joon-ah."

"I never returned the pregnancy book from the baby store. To be honest I had placed it inside the bedside drawer and forgot all about it. But... It said that morning sickness is just a term that they call it by. It can happen any time of the day."

"So you think... Do you think I'm pregnant?" I asked him and he nodded. "How do you feel about that?"

"I'm happy, but a little scared too. It's not as if we've been parents before. But we'll be fine. All of us. All three of us. I'm actually more worried for Appa."

"We'll cross that bridge when we get there," I said as I patted my face dry. "I guess it makes sense. My chest hurts a lot and my hormones are out of control. Should I buy a pregnancy test?"

"Nah..." He responded with a smile. "I'll look it up tomorrow and I can make an appointment at a doctor's to confirm. I'd rather be safe than sorry. The sooner we know if we're pregnant, the sooner you can start prenatal care."

"Listen to you... You sound like an expert," I commented, nudging him on the side.

"I very well should be... Since I read that book from cover to cover the last time. And you know I hate studying. But I will study for this. I want to be as good a father as I know you're going to be a mother," he teased. "We can't have the baby wondering why you married me."

"Our baby will adore you, just like I do."

"You think?" He asked giddily and I started laughing.

"Yeah," I responded. "Joon-ah... Did you get me a melon?"

He sighed before answering. "I got you seven melons. One of them should be sweet. I want uri Na Jeong happy."

"I'm already happy," I said, as I pressed my lips to his.

## March 30, 2002

## 7:30 p.m.

## Jae Joon

I rang Jung Jin Hyung's doorbell a second time and wondered why he wasn't answering. He told me to meet with him tonight, right? Something about settling CFs before the season even started. I recalled him mentioning the Park Hyatt but I assumed that's where he'd be later and came here an hour early instead. I'm meeting the guys in about an hour and a half for drinks and thought about inviting Jung Jin Hyung along.

Na Jeong is staying at the boarding house this weekend as Sook Sook had baseball practice earlier and a game tomorrow and her parents are in Masan for the weekend as Hoon's memorial day is on Monday. I offered to have him stay at the apartment with us but she declined, saying she was tired and that packing all of Sook Sook's regular clothes, his game uniform, his toys, as well as his homework would be too much.

I had pulled my phone out of my pocket when I heard the blare from the music coming out of the apartment and a woman's voice singing obnoxiously and fairly out of tune. I double checked that I was at the right door and confirmed that indeed, I was.

Does Hyung have a woman in his apartment? I shook my head at the thought. Even if he did, Hyung's music tastes ran towards classical and indie, not the disco music playing in the background. And Hyung is a little too refined and straight laced to be playing music that loudly.

Has someone broken in? I started knocking on the door more incessantly even as my other hand continued to press the doorbell. I heard the music stop and prepared to call the police instead. Imagine my surprise when the door opened and a familiar face from so long ago greeted me.

"Mr. Kim!" She exclaimed in English as her mouth formed an "o". "What are you doing here?"

"Please, Gia-ssi... Call me JJ... That's what they used to call me in America." I watched as she looked at me directly and I observed her as well. She was hardly recognizable with her hair down and wearing regular clothes. Barefoot and dressed in jeans and a loose shirt with a sleeve off one shoulder, she looked younger and more carefree. Very different from the efficient nurse who made my acquaintance almost a year ago. "You don't look like yourself..."

She raised an eyebrow at me before responding. "Please, JJ, if we're going to drop formalities, just call me Gia. And what do you mean I don't look like myself?"

"Just... You just look different, Gia Noona," I replied. "Noona means elder sister... We say that as a sign of respect. Hyung... Ahh... Jung Jin Hyung would never forgive me if I spoke to you so casually." I poked my head inside the apartment for one minute before I spoke again. "Is... Is Hyung here?"

"No... Why would he be here? I thought he was staying with you," she said. "I've been staying here since the beginning of the month and he said it was fine." She paled and I wondered if I stepped my foot in it and got Hyung in trouble.

"Ahh, I remember now," I said even though I don't remember any such thing, but I felt the need to quickly backtrack. "It was just miscommunication. Don't worry about it."

She looked at me, looking like she didn't believe me, but said nothing else.

"Noona... How long will you be staying here?" I asked curiously. "I'm getting married in a few months' time and I would like for you to come."

"Ahh JJ... I am not really sure yet how long I'll be here, but if I'm still here I will definitely come."

She flashed me a smile then and I glimpsed somewhat how Hyung became so fixated on her. Pretty girls and smiles, I thought as I shook my head. No man is immune. I think of how my heart races when Na Jeong sends a smile my way and I realized how accurate that statement is. It's good to know that the rule applies everyone, including Hyung apparently.

"Do you... Do you want me to tell him you came by?" She asked. "He's supposed to come by tomorrow to collect rent."

"He's charging you?" I asked incredulously.

"I'm no charity case, JJ. I offered to pay." She noted my look of amazement and lifted her chin.

"And he let you."

"No man lets me do anything," she said challengingly and I almost laughed in glee. Hyung will have his hands full with this woman.

"Noona... It's okay. I'll text him." She nodded and I smiled. "I hope to see you again soon."

"Me too, JJ. And congratulations to you and your fiancée," she said warmly. She closed the door after giving me another smile and I made my way back to the elevator even as I was writing Hyung a text message with nothing more than the name of the restaurant we were all meeting at. He better show up. He's got some explaining to do.

## March 30, 2002

## 8:00 p.m.

## Na Jeong

"Yoon Jin-ah... Dong Min has gotten so big!" I said as I peered over the sleeping baby in the stroller. "Who knew they grew up so fast?"

I studied the smooth skin and the tiny rosebud of a mouth and felt myself soften. I leaned in closer and sniffed his baby scent when I heard Yoo Mi Unnie's voice.

"Careful, Na Jeong-ah... Baby fever can be strong," she warned. "You and Joon may be next."

"Aigoo, Unnie, don't jinx us," I answered teasingly though the idea wasn't so unattractive to me. In fact, it wasn't unattractive at all. Joon and I have talked about this, and I know should we get pregnant, it was going to be okay.

"How's the wedding planning going, Na Jeong-ah?" Jin Yi Unnie asked as she took a sip of coffee.

"It's good, Unnie. We just settled on The Ritz Carlton as the venue," I said as I chewed on some ddukbokki.

"The one in Gangnam?" Ae Jung asked and I nodded. "They have a great catering menu."

"I attended a wedding there a couple of years ago and the food there is fabulous," Misoo added.

"We have our tasting set up in a few weeks' time. Free food!" I said enthusiastically and everyone laughed.

"Do you need an officiant, Na Jeong-ah? I can call the one who did our wedding if you'd like," Yoon Jin asked as she took a sip of water.

"Nah... I think Joon said that Oppa knows someone who can do it. Plus your person will have to come from Samcheonpo, and that's a long ways to go," I said decisively. "Enough wedding talk... Who has gossip?"

When no one spoke, I sighed. That's the problem when all of our partners are all friends with one another. There are hardly any juicy secrets to spill and with the baby around we can't even get inebriated enough to get our lips loosened up.

"Girls, what do you think the guys are doing right now?" Yoo Mi Unnie asked. "Do you think they will be like us and talk about anything and everything? Do you think they gossip like women?"

"Knowing my husband they're probably out drinking," Yoon Jin said. "I will confirm when he staggers home drunk tonight."

"Uh-oh," Jin Yi Unnie commented. "I thought that Joon wasn't allowed to drink with Jung Gook anymore?"

"As long as I don't have to clean up after either of them it's fine," I said. "Besides, Joon said they're not going too far from the apartment so he didn't have to drive. And no one else took their cars, right?" Everyone shook their heads no. "So worse comes to worse, they can all pass out at Joon's place."

"Na Jeong-ah... You don't even know how disgustingly happy In Sung was to be going out tonight," Misoo said contemplatively. "It's all he could talk about all week."

"Joon, too," I said.

"And Samcheonpo," Yoon Jin said.

"Haitai took forever trying to figure out what to wear," Ae Jung commented. "The whole time he was on the phone with me he kept describing outfits."

"Dong Joon, as well," Jin Yi Unnie said. "You'd think they were going on a first date or something."

"Yeah... The way they're reacting to a night out together, it is as if we keep them jailed and handcuffed," Yoon Jin said.

"Yoon Jin-ah... I don't think any of them would be opposed to being handcuffed," I commented and all the women laughed.

"Jung Gook was also very excited. He said that since all these young guys are going out, surely they needed an adult?" Yoo Mi Unnie said, chuckling.

"What did you say, Unnie?" I asked her.

"I said... Well... Why are you going then?" she responded drily, making everyone laugh.

"They'll be fine..." I said to everyone and no one in particular. "They are not like us. I mean... They're hardly going to sit around and bitch and moan and cry, are they?"

They all looked thoughtful but agreed anyway. Of course they wouldn't. They'll probably talk about sports or something. But definitely no tears. At least not from Joon.

## 8:15 p.m.

## Jae Joon

"So you decided to come out," I said to Jung Jin Hyung as he pulled out a seat next to me and motioned for a server.

When the server came, he placed an order for whiskey on the rocks and I sat back on my chair and observed him. Well... At least nothing looked untoward. He still looked as smooth and suave as ever. He said nothing as she came back with his drink and took a swallow as soon as it was put down on the table.

"Are you going to tell me why Gia Noona is staying at your apartment?" I finally asked when it appeared like he wouldn't be offering me any information whatsoever.

He looked at me once and ran a hand through his hair. "Do I have to?" He asked as he took another swig of his drink. When I nodded, he sighed. "She needed to get away. I had a place to stay, so I offered it up."

"And where are you living?"

"The Park Hyatt... Where I told you to meet me," he said resignedly. "I don't really feel like talking about this right now."

He took another drink and finished the glass. I looked in concern as he motioned for a second drink. I don't think I have ever seen Hyung drink anything this quickly. His eyes were hooded, veiled. I can feel the tension rolling off him and wondered what the hell was going on.

"Hyung, what's the matter?" I asked. I've never seen him like this. I expected bashfulness and amusement as I asked him about Noona but not this. He looked thoughtful and pensive, not unlike how I was before I came home before Binggrae's wedding.

"She wants to be my friend," he replied with a sigh. Okay... I don't see anything wrong with that. "I have enough friends. And she wants to be my friend. We've kissed..." At this my mouth gaped open in surprise. "... And she wants to be Friends... Friends..."

He looked to me for some sort of explanation and I could do nothing but stare at him. The last time someone wanted to be my friend I ended up falling in love with her. Maybe this is why I don't have a lot of friends. I am the last person he should be asking for advice. Though looking at him, it seems that he was way past that stage.

"There's something there, Joon-ah. I feel it. That woman," he said almost resentfully. "That woman... She's gotten under my skin and I need her out."

"Well you're not going to do that with her living at your apartment. What were you thinking?" I asked. "And... Why can't you two just stay there together? You're adults. Surely if she feels nothing for you that wouldn't be a problem. I mean you're like a live in translator slash tour guide. She'll only have to pay half of what she's paying you and you won't have to live in a hotel." Hyung looked at me as if considering it when I pulled out the final card. "Plus, if she saw how awesome you are... She might be persuaded to give you a shot."

I don't have a clue what I'm talking about as I already started drinking even before he got here, but I'm pretty sure that Na Jeong would roll her eyes at what I just suggested. Hyung, however, looked at me so hopefully that I know I'd be in trouble if it didn't work.

"Hey... Have you already started the party without us?" In Sung said as he walked in with Jung Gook Hyung, Samcheonpo, Haitai and Binggrae. I greeted them all by lifting my glass up and Jung Jin Hyung flashed them all his trademark smile.

"What are you two talking so seriously about?" Binggrae asked as he picked up some peanuts from the dish on the table.

"Oh... Not much, just how to win a woman's heart," I responded. "Hyung here is having a problem," I said even as he fixed a glare my way. "Does anyone have any suggestions?"

"I'm no good with romance," Samcheonpo said. "Yoon Jin and I had our first kiss on a fishing boat."

"I just called Ae Jung on the phone," Haitai said.

"Jin Yi approached me," Binggrae said as he motioned for the server.

"So did Yoo Mi," Jung Gook Hyung declared proudly.

"Misoo and I met in college, so... There wasn't that much wooing to do, really," In Sung said.

"Wow... You guys... Show off why don't you?" Jung Jin Hyung said derisively. "Joon here had to wait six years and all of you hardly had to work at all." He shook his head at all the men in our table as the server delivered the bottles of beer and soju.

Jung Jin Hyung's predicament was forgotten and I reminded myself to ask him what he will do before he leaves. Talk turned to sports between Jung Jin Hyung, In Sung, Haitai and I while at the other end of the table I spotted Jung Gook Hyung speaking animatedly to Samcheonpo and Binggrae about something.

"Can we also have some spicy stir fried squid and some pa jun, please," Haitai requested with a smile when the server was about to walk away. She nodded and walked off and Haitai proceeded to pour beer for all of us.

It felt good for all of us to be together, like this. It felt so good in fact that I didn't mind when they even teased me good-naturedly about Na Jeong wearing the pants in our relationship. Little do they realize that she wears the pants because I want her to.

Our relationship is dynamic, with the power changing hands on a day to day, sometimes hour to hour basis. Sometimes she leads, and sometimes I lead. Na Jeong is neither stupid nor trivial, so I know that her judgment is sound and therefore can be trusted. I mean... If the person who loves me most is pointing something out, then it must be true since she would never just say or do anything that would intentionally hurt my feelings. I understand this now. I understand her very well.

"Joon-ah... How do you feel about being a married man in a few months?" Samcheonpo asked. "I know you already gave the answer to that interview but I'm curious to find out whether that was just for public relations' sake, or..."

"For the record, I had nothing to do with that interview," Jung Jin Hyung offered. "He wasn't coached or he wouldn't have practically spilled his heart out to a reporter."

"Hyung... What's the use in lying?" I said. "It was much easier to just tell the truth."

"Tell that to YOUR Na Jeong. She called me and practically cursed me out when she found out that I didn't give you clear instructions to not. Say. Her. Name." Jung Jin Hyung laughed along with the memory.

"Yeah... She's a gangster," Jung Gook Hyung commented. "Scary woman. Just be glad she didn't speak to you in person. You might have ended up with a black eye."

Everyone nodded at the table except for In Sung. Of course. He doesn't know Na Jeong as well as everyone at this table.

"She looks so gentle, though..." In Sung said and Samcheonpo snorted his drink.

"Yah... Don't let that face fool you. She can throw it down better than most men. Joon-ah," he said, lifting his glass for a toast. "Here's to you and your brave soul."

Everyone lifted up their glasses and clinked it together as I smiled at all my friends. We all continued drinking well into the night as we shot the breeze talking about anything and everything under the sun. A dozen bottles of beers later and almost as many bottles of soju, we all staggered out of the restaurant with Haitai singing and all of us joining in.

"Yaaaahhh.... Let's goooo... Let's goooo tooo a noraebannggggg," Binggrae said, opening one eye as he put an arm around me.

In my state this sounded like the best idea ever to exist and I nodded. Everyone else murmured their assent and we all agreed that this was, indeed, a brilliant idea. Except for Jung Jin Hyung. He started hailing a cab while swaying and for a minute I was afraid he would fall down. Both of him, since I already started seeing double.

"Hyuuuuung!!!! Wherrreeee arrree yooouuu goooiinggg?" I asked, my voice slurring.

"I goott toooo gooo tooo mmyyyy appparrrtmeeent and puuuutt my foooot down," he replied, nodding at me resolutely.

"Hyung... Are yooooou druuuunk?" I asked.

"Joon-ah... How many timessssss did I have to tell yooooou that gentlemen don't get druuuuunk?" He asked. "I'm tipsy. Thaaaatss... That'ssss aaaaall."

This struck me as the funniest thing I've heard in a while and I started laughing. I don't suppose now is the right time to point out that Gia Noona might not appreciate him coming to the apartment in the state that he's in and he'll get no closer to her heart this way. I should tell him but no words would come out. I don't even know how to compose a full sentence right now that was made up of more than five words. So I just watched dumbly as he managed to flag a cab down and entered without so much as hurting a single hair on his head. He'll be fine... He'll be fine.

We all continued walking to the nearest noraebang and after what seemed like the longest five minute walk that I've ever had to do, we all entered the room that we were directed to. Samcheonpo grabbed the microphone as soon as we were inside and pointed a song in the book that Haitai was trying to read. With one eye open.

"I waaaaant to sssssing that song Fateeeee..." Samcheonpo whined.

"That's so ooooold!" Haitai exclaimed. "That's eight years old. Sing sooooomething by GOD. Moooove with the timessss..."

"Yaaaah..." Samcheonpo responded. "That's mineeeee and Yooooon Jin's soooong. I don't caaaaare. Give me thaaaat boooook. I'm singing thaaaat... Thaaaat sooong."

"Fineeee... Fineeee..." Haitai pressed the number and Samcheonpo started swaying along before belting the song out.

I opened my eye to see Jung Gook Hyung passed out on the couch and I huddled closer to him. In Sung curled up next to Haitai and I thought Binggrae was also asleep until I saw him waving his arms back and forth in the air as Samcheonpo started singing. He finished the song tearfully, screaming "I love you Yoon Jin-ah!" And we all managed a round of applause.

Next Haitai launched into another sad song as Samcheonpo drank from the glass I had been drinking in and sidled close to me.

"Yaaaahhh, Saaaam... Saaaamcheonpo... Did you knooooow that in Ameeee... Ameeeerica, they have groomsmen? I wish yooooou could AAAAALLLL be my groooooomsmen."

"Jooooon-ah... How luuuucky am I to have Yoooooon Jin, huh?" He asked me and I nodded. "She's very preeeeetty..."

"Very preeeetty..." I echoed.

"Very smaaaart..."

"Very smaaaart..." I repeated. "Na Jeoooong's very pre... Preeetty too... She doesn't eeeeven know hooooow pretty she isssss. And she's veeeery ssssssmart, too. Muuuuch... Muuuuch smaaaarter than me. You should seeeeee how... Hoooow she is with nuuuumbersssss. She'ssss the beeeest. I'm gooooing toooo give her aaaall my mooooney... Annnnnnd have her maaaaanage it AAAALLLL."

"That's smaaaaart, Chilbooooong-aaaaaah... You're nooooot... Not an idiooooot." Samcheonpo continued. "Yooooon Jin is soooo nice..."

"Na Jeooooong is increeeeeedible," I said, and I teared up myself when saw Samcheonpo dabbing on his eyes with his shirt. Binggrae had now fallen asleep next to Jung Gook Hyung and so has In Sung. "I'm sooooo lucky. I looooove her sooooo... Soooo much! I waaaant to maaaaarry her!"

"Chil... Chilboooong-ah..." Samcheonpo said wisely. "You're alreeeeady maaaaarrying her."

I nodded and closed my eyes, feeling emotional. The last thought in my head was how in the world I will ever explain this to Na Jeong. Hee... I won't have to... I won't see her until the afternoon and I would be recovered by then, wouldn't I? God help me if I hadn't. Everyone's right. Na Jeong is a gangster.

## BON Women's Clinic

## Seoul, Korea

## May 1, 2002

## 5:10 p.m.

## Jae Joon

"Sorry, I'm late," I said as I entered the examination room the nurse led me to. Inside, Na Jeong calmly sat on the table, getting her blood drawn. She smiled at me as they finished collecting her blood. Once the band-aid has been applied, the nurse noticed me standing, still dressed casually in sweatpants and a shirt. I suddenly felt self-conscious and wished I had worn a suit instead.

"Your husband?" She asked Na Jeong.

"My fiancé," Na Jeong answered. "We're getting married next month."

The nurse nodded before gathering the paperwork. "We do the blood test in house so we should have the results by tomorrow afternoon the latest. We'll give you a call," she informed us both. "Dr. Noh should be here in a few minutes." She exited the room and closed the door quietly behind her.

"Jagiya... Sorry... Traffic was crazy coming over here. I had to cut an interview short after the game," I explained.

"It's okay," she said. "You haven't missed anything. They just weighed me and had me pee in a cup. Exciting stuff, I know. How did the game go?"

"We won," I responded as I walked over to her to take her hand. "You feeling okay today?"

"Yes. The nausea is not so bad now, but I'm still so tired. This pregnancy business is no joke. What time are Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo expecting us?"

"Not until 7. We have plenty of time."

When the door opened again, a middle aged female doctor entered, holding a folder. She smiled at both me and Na Jeong before extending a hand.

"Hello and welcome. My name is Dr. Noh Jeong Sook and I am the primary obstetrician in this clinic. And you are," she looked down at the folder before looking at Na Jeong, "Sung Na Jeong-ssi?"

"Yes," Na Jeong said with a smile before she took the doctor's hand then motioned towards me. "This is Kim Jae Joon, my fiancé."

She took my hand for a firm handshake before I saw the recognition light up her features. "Kim Jae Joon? The baseball player?" I nodded and she gave me a small smile. "My son... He watches you play. It's nice to meet you both. Please, sit down."

She sat down by the table and I sat down on the chair closest to the examination table. I waited as I held Na Jeong's hand and felt my palms getting sweaty. Na Jeong, on the other hand, remained as calm as ever, as she looked around the room.

"Ms. Sung," Dr. Noh said as she put her glasses on. "I looked over the intake form that you filled out when you came in. And I see that you have no past medical history except for a herniated disc on your back?" Na Jeong nodded and she continued. "Any surgeries?" Na Jeong shook her head no. "Any medications that you take?" Again, Na Jeong shook her head no.

"Reading through your symptoms, it does sound very much like you may be pregnant. You said your last period had been in April?"

"Yes," Na Jeong responded. "But it was very very light."

"When was the first day of the last time you had a full period?" She asked. Na Jeong responded with a date in early March and the doctor made a note on her chart before speaking again. "What you had in April may have just been spotting, and you may continue to have that throughout the pregnancy."

"So we are pregnant?" I asked, my voice hoarse.

"We will know in a few minutes. The blood test won't be back until tomorrow, but we can do a sonogram now and listen for a heartbeat. Ms. Sung, please lie down and lift up your shirt just a little."

I watched as Na Jeong did as she instructed and she turned on the machine next to the examination table. I pulled out a small notepad from my pocket and a pen, prepared to take notes. She then turned the light off and I watched as she placed a small amount of gel on Na Jeong's still flat abdomen and I wondered how she could possibly be pregnant. The doctor then grabbed a wand if some sort and pressed it lightly against Na Jeong's belly. It wasn't long before the small room was filled with the sound of a fast thumping and I wondered if that was normal.

"Mr. Kim and Ms.Sung, congratulations," she said with a smile. "You are pregnant, and looking at the size of the embryo, you have been for a few weeks, at least six."

"Really?" Na Jeong said happily. "Really? So that sound is the baby's heartbeat?" She turned towards me, her eyes glistening with tears. "Jagiya... We're going to have a baby!" I could do nothing but nod, I was so dazed by the sound I'm hearing.

"Is... Is everything okay?" I asked. "The heartbeat is very fast."

"Mr. Kim, your baby's heart rate is about 108 beats per minute, which is well in the range of normal. Everything is okay." She started moving the wand around. "Hang on one second... I may be able to get a clearer picture. Ah.. There we go." I look at the screen and tried to see what she saw but was unsuccessful. "I know it doesn't look like much yet, but you see this right here? That's your baby." She looked at me and Na Jeong as we stared transfixed at the monitor. "Right now your baby probably just appears like a little bean but at six weeks, the baby's nose, ears, and mouth are all starting to take shape. His intestines are developing and so are the tissues for his lungs."

"That's... Amazing," I whispered as Na Jeong turned to look at me. I met her eyes and kissed her hand. A baby! We're having a baby!

"It is amazing. They don't call babies miracles for no reason," Dr. Noh said. "Would you like a picture to take with you?" Na Jeong and I silently nodded.

"Can you print a few out, please?" I asked. "Our parents will probably want a copy and I need one for my locker and at home, too." She nodded before pressing a button on the machine.

"I will give you the pictures before you leave," she said before turning the ultrasound machine off. "Now that we've confirmed your pregnancy, I suppose you want to know when your little one is coming... My best guess is mid to late December, give or take a couple of weeks. So it looks like you'll have a late Christmas present."

Though I have about a million questions running through my mind, I stayed quiet as she perused something on the computer.

"Your urine test looks fine. You just had a gynaecological appointment a few months ago so I don't need to so another pelvic exam. We will send you out today with some prenatal vitamins and Omega B3, and you can start them today." She looked at both of us expectantly. "With this being your first pregnancy, I'm sure you have some questions."

"When will my next appointment be?" Na Jeong asked.

"We'll schedule one on your second trimester, at 28 weeks, unless something arises, then you can just call the clinic and get checked out."

"Doctor... She has a herniated disc on her back... Will the pregnancy make that worse? Are there any activities she shouldn't be doing?" I had my pen in hand, ready to write down her answer and she looked at me amusedly.

"The herniated disc shouldn't be affected by the pregnancy but with her back, she shouldn't be doing anything high impact anyway, like kickboxing or running, even jogging. The same theory applies to being pregnant with a herniated disc. Walking is fine, swimming is also good. Yoga, as well."

"Is there anything she can't eat? What about the nausea? She's had a hard time with that recently. And the lethargy?"

"When she goes into her second trimester in six weeks, the nausea and fatigue should get better. As for food she shouldn't be eating, we will give you some pamphlets when you check out. Our number is also on the paperwork so feel free to call if you have any questions or concerns. Do you have any other immediate questions?"

I'm pretty sure I have a million more questions but my mind has gone blank, overwhelmed by the news still. In the space of less than one year, I'm about to become not only a husband but a father, too.

"Well then... I will leave you both. Take your time and we'll give you everything you need, including your baby pictures at the front desk. It's nice to meet you both and I'll see you again soon." She gave us a nod before she left the room.

Na Jeong cleared her throat and I looked at her. "Are you okay?" She asked.

"Yeah," I answered, standing up to help her off the table. "I'm great. I'm really happy."

"You sure?" She picked up her purse from the counter and I took it off her.

"Yes. I'm sure." I tried to keep a straight face, but in fact I wanted to run out of that doctor's office and tell everyone we pass that we're having a baby, but Na Jeong may have something to say about that.

A baby. Mine and Na Jeong's baby. Incredible. Has anyone ever been this happy? Probably. But this journey had been ours and ours alone, therefore so is this happiness. I felt Na Jeong's hand, so small in mine, and joy filled me up so quickly that tears sprang to my eyes.

## 7:30 p.m.

## Na Jeong

"Well... We have news," I slowly said, reaching behind me to the back of the chair where my purse was hanging and pulled out the ultrasound pictures. I looked over at Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo, who were waiting for me to speak, and Joon, who was sitting next to me with a small smile on his face, before I put the picture down on the table. "Joon and I... We're going to have a baby."

"You are?" Yoon Jin asked and I nodded. "YOU ARE? REALLY?"

"Yes." I tried to be calm but my heart was fluttering inside my chest in excitement. I just want to get up and jump for joy.

"OMO OMO OMO!" Yoon Jin exclaimed, standing up. "Me too! We're pregnant too! OHMYGOD!"

"Really?" I asked, standing up and grabbing her hands in mine. "Don't mess around with me. That would be unbelievable if you are." She gave me a teary nod, and we hugged each other tightly. "Why didn't you tell me? I didn't even know..."

"We wanted to be sure first," Yoon Jin said. "We just had our first appointment last week. Besides, I think my husband told Joon the night he called me."

"You called Yoon Jin? When?" I asked Joon, who was calmly eating a piece of fish.

"Last Thursday... The night of the melons. I needed a woman's input and besides our Ommas, Yoon Jin is the only other woman I know who's ever been pregnant before. I just wanted to confirm a hunch."

"When's the baby due?" Yoon Jin asked.

"The baby is due in December," Joon calmly said, taking a sip from his cup.

"Congratulations, Appa-to-be," Samcheonpo said, breaking into a smile as he stood up to shake Joon's hand. "Our baby will be a month older, Na Jeong-ah. We're due in November."

Yoon Jin and I shared an incredulous look before we sat back down again to resume dinner.

"Na Jeong-ah," Yoon Jin said as she was eating a bite of rice. "You already bought your wedding dress though. You still won't show by then, right? It will be a nightmare and incredibly expensive to have to keep taking it out."

Oops. I didn't think of that. "I'll only be 12 weeks by then... You didn't start showing until you were at 20 weeks, so I'm hoping that it won't be too obvious."

I drank a sip of water and Joon took my hand under the table and smiled at me. Samcheonpo coughed and cleared his throat.

"But Na Jeong-ah," Samcheonpo started to say, "your Appa is going to have a conniption."

"Well, that's true... He might be upset at first," I said.

"Upset?" He said. "He's going to kill Joon."

"Oh no... His precious Joon can't possibly have done this. I bet he'll blame me instead but I don't care. He'll get over it. He'll have no choice," I said stubbornly. "Besides, what does it matter if we got pregnant now or in a month and a half? We're getting married in 7 weeks. I'm more concerned about being able to keep food down at my own wedding banquet."

"Chilbong-ah... Better you than me, that's all I'm saying," Samcheonpo continued as Yoon Jin nudged him to shut up.

Joon stayed quiet through the conversation and when I looked over at him, he was staring at his plate with a frown on his face. I squeezed his hands and concerned eyes met mine. I was about to ask him what the matter was when Yoon Jin spoke.

"Speaking of wedding banquets, did you do your menu and cake tasting already?" She asked as she helped herself to some spinach.

"Yes, we did that last month. Omo... I hope my palette wasn't weird then, yet."

"Jagiya, it was fine," Joon said, looking like his mood has lifted. I thought he was happy about the baby... maybe he's having second thoughts? It IS a big commitment.

"Joon-ah, I think Yoon Jin and I are going to have more kids than you two," Samcheonpo said happily. "I'll actually have something more than the great Kim Jae Joon! Who would have thought it?"

I can practically see Joon's shoulders tense up at the thought. I would know, because I felt my competitive spirit making itself known too. Blissfully unaware of what he just unleashed, Samcheonpo continued eating.

"How did you figure that out?" Joon asked in a low voice, looking at Samcheonpo with narrowed eyes.

"You're only on your first, and we're already on our second. We had a year's head start on you," Samcheonpo replied. "We'll definitely have more."

"Not if I can help it," I said hotly. "Just wait and see... We'll definitely have more kids than you!"

"Na Jeong-ah..." Yoon Jin tried to interject. "This is crazy..."

"Your husband started it," I said to her.

"Fine... Fine..." She answered, chuckling. "But if you're all going to get into a pissing match about this, there should be something worth winning, no?"

"How about this?" Joon said, thinking. "Whoever ends up the loser, will have to babysit ALL the kids for a week so that the winners can go on a second honeymoon. And the end date is 12 years from today! End of 2014!" He looked at Samcheonpo determinedly. "Does that work for YOU?"

Samcheonpo, as if sure of their victory, decided to sweeten the pot. "Only if you add pocket money to the prize. Not too much now... We're not all Major Leaguers like you. But just enough, to cover one meal. Call?"

Joon nodded. "Call."

"Call," I chimed in and Yoon Jin laughed before she agreed as well.

There had been no alcohol involved and we are a few years older. We're no longer betting on trivial matters, but on the number of our children instead. But I realized as I sat there with my future husband and my best friend and her husband, that some things never really change. We're still the same people from eight years ago, the bonds we've formed unchanged and unaffected by the constant ebb and flow of life. It was reassuring, that knowledge. With change being so constant, some things need to stay the same. I'm glad friendship is one of them.

##

## May 19, 2002

## 10:30 a.m.

## Jae Joon

"Jagiya... We'll have to tell your parents," I said gently. "We'll have to tell my parents too, but we have to tell your parents first, and soon. And by soon, I mean later, when I drop you off."

We were sitting at the table having a late breakfast when I brought the subject up. I tried to talk to her about it at In Sung and Misoo's wedding last night only to have her wave it off dismissively. I'm getting stressed out and I know why. I have never been the type to hide something this big. I'm not about to start now.

Na Jeong frowned at me over her bowl of ramyun. "Why?" She asked, blowing on the noodles on her chopsticks. "Why do we have to tell them?"

"Jagiya... Even if you're not showing by the time we get married, you will be soon after that. When the baby comes out in December, they're going to know that we hid this from them," I replied, trying to sound as reasonable as possible.

"Babies sometimes get born prematurely, Joon-ah." She said this in a condescending tone, as if she's teaching me something new. She carried on eating nonchalantly, as if we were just discussing the weather.

"Pre-term babies don't come out full grown, Na Jeong-ah," I responded with the same tone she used with me. "It's not as if your parents have no experience. They'll know," I reasoned with her. "We should do it sooner than later, so they can have time to get comfortable with the idea, and maybe... Maybe by the time the baby comes, they'll have forgotten all about how we got pregnant before we were married."

"They don't even suspect anything, Jagiya," she said, eyes stubborn. "Why do we have to incite..."

"Yes, they might be unhappy, and yes, they might even be angry, but at some point, they will be happy. How can they not be? It's their first grandchild. Na Jeong-ah, this is something to celebrate. I want to be as giddy as I want to be and even though I know I can't tell everyone, I want to at least be able to show my feelings about it in front of our family and friends." When she looked like she was about to interrupt, I silenced her with my take-me-seriously look. "I can't even look your parents in the eyes. I feel like I've done something wrong and I don't want to feel that way. Not about our baby."

"I still think..."

"I wasn't asking for permission, Jagiya. I love you and you know I value your opinion. But this will happen, whether or not you like it. I hoped you'd understand, but even if you didn't, I will tell them. I'll take responsibility. It's the right thing to do. That's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to do right by you and our baby, trying to do right by our parents... Didn't you say that's one of the reasons why you love me?" I paused and took a deep breath, my eyes scanning her lovely face as she bit her lip. "Yah... You're on my side, right?"

Her eyes which were just minutes ago blazing at me in annoyance softened. "I'm always on your side."

"Our baby was conceived in love, and I know the doctor said it doesn't even have ears or anything, but still, I don't ever want there to be a moment that he doesn't feel wanted. The book said that babies feel what the mothers feel. I just want you to focus on being healthy and being happy. I'll handle this."

"Okay," she finally relented, getting up from her chair and sitting on my lap. She ran a hand through my hair and I closed my eyes in pleasure. "Have you been studying that book again? You've read it a million times."

"I used to dream about being a baseball player," I whispered, opening my eyes and looking into her eyes, a calm, clear green today. "Now I dream about being a good husband and Appa."

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi, when did you grow up?"

"Around the same time you did," I replied cheekily. "Jagiya... Promise me that if Appa kills me, you'll raise our child well."

She glared at me even as she fondly put an arm around my shoulder. "That's not funny. You shouldn't joke about things like that."

"Who said I was joking?"

## 6:00 p.m.

## Na Jeong

"You sit down on the couch," Joon whispered to me as we walked up to the boarding house. "I'll kneel."

"Joon-ah... Really... I don't really think that's necessary," I whispered back. "Why do you even think you need to do that?"

We had just started climbing up the stairs when he stopped and looked at me, releasing a breath. "Well. I kept thinking... What if we have a daughter? And in twenty something years she comes home and tells me that she's pregnant. I keep thinking about what I would do, and I think I would probably react violently. And I like to think I'm a bit calmer than Appa."

"You may be calmer but you're just as dramatic," I chided him. "Trust you to think about stuff that may or may not happen in twenty odd years."

I felt my abdomen roll with nausea. Uh-oh... Though it's getting a little better, every day around this time I still feel queasy. I can't wait until next month when this passes. I can't wait for the day I can eat ddukbokki again.

I studied his face, his expression resolute. I know where he's coming from and why this is so important. I heard the vulnerability in his voice when he spoke about needing to make sure the baby knew that he was wanted the whole time. He'll get this done because his honour and his word depend on it. And once Joon has made his mind up, there is no changing it, just as Binggrae told me months and months ago.

I opened the door to see the living room empty. "Omma?" I called out as Joon and I changed into slippers. "Omma?"

Omma walked out of the kitchen, surprise lighting her features. "Na Jeong-ah! I thought you said you won't be home until tomorrow after work? Chilbong-ah, you're here too. I was cooking dinner. Appa took Sook Sook to his friend's house to play."

Joon and I looked at each other before we followed Omma to the kitchen. I'm glad Sook Sook won't be home for this. We sat at the table and watched as Omma moved around the kitchen. It always fascinated me, watching my Omma move. Since I learned I was having a baby, I study my Omma a lot more. I hope I can be half the mother she is. I hope one day our child will see me the way I see my mother. She's an incredibly strong and incredibly kind woman. If I could choose my parents, I would choose mine all over again. Tears sprung to my eyes and before I knew it I was crying and Joon was patting my back. He's used to this by now... It doesn't take much to make me weepy these days.

Omma, however, turned around in concern before she rushed over and down at the head of the table, where Appa usually sits for meals. She took my hand in hers before she spoke.

"Na Jeong-ah... What's the matter?"

"Omma..." I sniffled and swallowed. "Omma... Joon and I have something to tell you. It might be sudden and you might get upset, but we've talked about it."

"Don't tell me you're cancelling the wedding? I thought it was too good to be true..." She said, looking at is thoughtfully. "We already sent out all the invitations, but we can fix that. Are you two not ready?"

"No... Omma, that's not it. Joon and I... We're going to have a baby."

She looked at me, then at Joon, then at me again, her lips slightly open in surprise. I waited as a few beats passed in silence.

"I... I don't really know what to say," she finally said, a hand over her chest.

"I know you're disappointed, Omma, but Joon and I are ready to have a baby. We love each other and though we didn't really do this on purpose, it's how it worked out. I do hope that you can be supportive, though, because I won't be able to stand it if you're not."

"Na Jeong-ah... I'm not disappointed. I admit it's a bit of a surprise, but you're getting married." She stood up and motioned for me and Joon to follow. We did, and she enfolded us in a warm embrace. "Congratulations! You two will make wonderful parents."

I felt myself sag with relief as Joon sat back down on the chair.

"How do you know?" She asked, sitting back down herself.

"We went to the doctor's a little over a week ago. It's very early in the pregnancy, I'm only about 7 and a half weeks along."

"I should have known, really. You haven't been acting like yourself. Were you able to hear the baby's heartbeat?" I nodded and so did Joon. "It's a magical moment, isn't it? The moment you realize that there's a living breathing human being inside you? You never get over that wonder, either. No matter how many children you have."

Even as Omma and I started speaking about the things we will need for the baby and about the appointment I just had, I looked over at Joon to see him sitting quietly, brows furrowed. He's nervous. I can feel the worry coming off him in waves. Omma followed my eyes and gave me a reassuring smile. I rubbed my belly protectively and then took Joon's hand.

"Omma," I started. "Please tell me there's liquor in the house."

"Na Jeong-ah... You know better than to drink," she replied.

"It's not for me. It's for Appa."

"So that's what you're worried about," Omma said to Joon with a knowing smile. "You know Appa... He'll probably yell and throw a fit but he loves you both. He'll need some time but he will soon accept it."

"You think so?" Joon said hopefully. "I've made him mad so often in the last few months..."

"He wouldn't be so angry if he didn't care so much. That's what families do. We upset each other and we get angry, but it doesn't change the fact that we're family..."

"Yeobo," we heard Appa's voice call out from the front door and we all stood up, startled. "Are Na Jeong and Chilbong here?"

He walked into the kitchen as Omma rushed to the cabinet to grab a bottle of liquor, along with a glass. When he saw me, he smiled but when he saw Joon, he enthusiastically clapped a hand on his back. I saw Joon tense up and I tried to send positive thoughts his way.

"Yeobo, let's go to the living room," Omma said, her voice gentle. She took Appa's arm as she led him out the kitchen and motioned for us to follow. She sat Appa down on the couch as I sat down on the opposite end. She uncapped the bottle and poured a sizable amount of the liquor in the glass, then offered it to Appa. He smiled at her lovingly as he took the glass and swallowed.

"What's this?" He asked. "It's not my birthday and yet I'm being treated like a king. It must be a special..." His voice stopped mid-sentence when he noticed that Joon had dropped down on his knees in front of him, at which point he narrowed his eyes at him and the smile that had been on his face disappeared. "What's going on? What did you do?"

"Yeobo..." Omma began to say.

"Someone tell me what's going on right now! It has to be serious if Chilbong is kneeling on the ground, looking like he's about to pass out."

Joon took a deep breath and swallowed. I shot my father a dirty look for making him worry like this, only to be glared at.

"Appa," Joon said quietly. "Na Jeong and I... We're going to have a baby. We're pregnant."

Appa laughed heartily and took another swig of the liquor. "That's funny. That's really funny. You guys are playing a joke on me right now, right? Well it worked! For one second I almost believed you."

"Appa, we're not kidding," I said softly. I pulled out the ultrasound picture from my bag and shakily offered it to him.

His expression sobered up and he tried to wave my hand away. Seeing that he wasn't going to take it, I set it on the table. I saw his eyes dart towards the picture before he stood up and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. I braced myself for the loud words and the curses, perhaps even the crazy pacing. Joon still had his head bowed down, no doubt expecting Appa to hit him somewhere.

Appa, however, just kept looking at us wordlessly, as if rendered speechless. He opened his mouth as if to say something, and I almost sighed in relief but he seemed to think better of it and closed his mouth again. He walked towards the television, where I thought he would grab something and throw it, but then kept walking towards the front door. Omma and I followed him with our eyes, but Joon rose to his feet.

"Yeobo..." Omma said, the uneasiness thick in her voice. "Where are you going?"

Appa looked like he wasn't going to answer but seeing Omma's expression, he replied to her. "Out. I need some fresh air."

"Appa..." I said, for the first time apprehensive. I have never seen my father like this. Not since Hoon Oppa died.

"You two," he said, not looking at either me or Joon. He put his shoes on and already had his hand on the doorknob when he finished his sentence "Don't be here by the time I come home."

The door slammed behind him and I watched Joon as he closed his eyes. I turned to Omma and she addressed us both.

"I would do as he says for now. Men have a harder time with change than women do. And Appa... Well you know how stubborn he is. There's so many things changing and he tries to put a brave face on, but I know it's scary for him, too," she said pensively. "Let him stew about it and properly digest it, and he'll come around."

"Omma... You don't know that," I said to her.

"You're right. I don't know that for sure. But I know your Appa. There's a reason I stayed married to him for almost thirty years. He'll accept it." She gave us a kind smile. "Now, I didn't say he will make it easy on you, but he'll get there."

Omma placed a hand on my abdomen, and said softly, "Uri agi, this is your Oe Halmoni. Don't worry, Oe Haraboji will be fine. We'll all love you. Just you wait and see... In the meantime, grow healthy and strong in your Omma's belly, okay? We can't wait to meet you."

"Omma..." I said, getting teary eyed again.

"Go... I'll handle Appa." She stood up and put an arm around Joon. "Take care of our daughter and your little one. We'll see you in a few days."

He nodded and offered his hand to me as I stood up. Kissing my Omma on the cheek, we were leaving the house when we saw Haitai walking up.

"Chilbong-ah, Na Jeong-ah... I heard the news. Congrats!" He said cheerfully. "I saw Appa walking home from the bus stop and he looked like death."

At this, I felt my nausea overtake me and I ran towards the grass to empty my stomach. I heard Joon's voice, upset and tense, as he told Haitai what happened. By the time I walked back to Joon's side, Haitai had already gone back into the house.

"You ready?" Joon asked, as he took my hand. "Should we go back to the apartment?" When I didn't respond, he looked at me. "What do you think?"

I looked at his handsome face, still etched with tension and worry, and my heart hurt. I know how much he takes pride in the fact that Appa seemed to love and accept him no matter what. I know how hard this must be for him. It's hard for me too but at the end of the day, I am Appa's daughter and he won't turn his back on me. Joon, however, doesn't have such a luxury. Or in his head, he doesn't think he does. It will take a while for him to realize that he already is family and that no mistake will change that. And our baby... Our baby is no mistake. The pregnancy timing might have not been totally planned, but we knew when we stopped birth control that this was a possibility and were ready for it. We were both guilty of not even considering for one second that Appa will be okay with it... And I wish he'd stop burdening the responsibility on his own.

"Joon-ah... Do you remember the crab we ate a few years ago, after we went to Sang Min Oppa's game?" I asked and glanced at his face, wondering if he'll see through my attempt to distract him.

"The soy sauce crab in Keongiwajip in Jeonju? Yeah, I remember."

Of course he'd remember... That was our very first date. Well, sort of.

"I think... I think I want some of it." I turned to him and tried to put the most pathetic look on my face.

"Jagiya... It's already 6 p.m. By the time we get there it will almost be 8 and you have wo..."

"It will make me feel better. You know I have a hard time keeping a lot of things down, but the baby wants crab," I pouted.

He studied my face for a minute before he relented and grinned at me. I gave myself a silent pat on the back. It worked... I knew just what to say to make him smile again. "So can we go there and eat some?"

He wrapped an arm around my shoulder and for the first time today, I felt him relax.

"Of course. If baby wants crab, baby gets crab," he said with a chuckle. "This baby is surprisingly particular about food... It's weird since you're not."

"I guess he already takes after you," I teased.

"You think so?" He asked, his voice soft with tenderness and wonder. I felt him wrap his arms behind my waist to place a cradling hand on my belly. Oh yeah... Joon was already in love with this child. He stroked the side of my hip before he pulled his arms away and we continued walking, hands interlocked, back to the car.

## May 28,, 2002

## 8:00 p.m.

## Jae Joon

"Joon-ah... Why are you sitting all the way over there looking like you're afraid of me?" Omma said, her eyes narrowing at me.

"Ah..." I answered, thinking of the right thing to say. My palms grew sweaty and I fought the urge to wipe them on my jeans.

Na Jeong and I sat side by side on the couch in my mother's pristine living room. Since we were invited for dinner, I thought now would be as good a time as any to tell her about the pregnancy. Now... How to actually tell her?

Omma's not a violent woman usually... She's usually more a verbal attack kind of person, but seeing how Na Jeong's Appa uncharacteristically responded to the news made me a bit wary. The wedding is in a little more than three weeks, and I still have to try to fix the fractured relationship with Appa. He hasn't answered any of my calls, nor responded to any of my texts.

"Omonim... He's probably scared," Na Jeong said casually as she drank some tea. She turned her beautiful eyes at me and gave me a look full of pity before she shook her head. "Aigoo... How is it that you're so nervous with our parents?"

"What does he have to be scared of?" Omma said, puzzled.

"Not much," Na Jeong said casually. "Probably just how you'll react to the news that we're pregnant."

"Is that it?" Omma said thoughtfully before the words actually registered. "What? Did I just hear you right?"

I looked back and forth between my mother and my wife to be and wondered why I was even invited to come to dinner. The two of them were perfectly happy having this conversation on their own. Na Jeong leaned towards my Omma more closely as Omma sat expectantly for her answer.

"Omonim... Didn't you say you wanted grandchildren right away? Well... Congratulations! Joon and I did as you asked and in about..." She pulled out copy of the ultrasound picture. "... Six months, you will be a grandmother."

My mother's eyes widened in surprise before she jumped up and took Na Jeong into her arms. I watched as the two most valuable women in my life started hugging each other and crying tears of joy. I don't remember ever seeing this much emotion from my mother. Ever.

She and Na Jeong started speaking quickly about the pregnancy and her symptoms, and I really felt like I was an unnecessary accessory here. I watched, a small smile on my face, as my Omma fussed over Na Jeong, brushing her hair with her hands.

"Joon-ah... GOOD JOB!" She said to me with a thumbs up.

I shook my head, realizing that of all the things I have ever done that I have little doubt my parents could be proud of, she chooses to be proud of this instead.

"Omma... Seriously? Thank you, I think?" I replied. "It's not like I did this for you..." The last part I muttered more to myself than to anyone else. "You and Appa... Rushing around, happy to become grandparents so soon..."

"You told your Appa?" Omma asked, surprised.

"Omonim... We were at Chungju this weekend," Na Jeong said as she pulled a packet of pepero sticks out of her purse and started munching on it. "Abonim threw a party. You should have seen it... I think everyone in his village came." She looked at the pepero sticks and pursed her lips. "Omonim... Do you have some kkakdugi? These chocolate biscuits don't taste anywhere near as good as they do with radish kimchi."

"Na Jeong-ah... I just made some last week. It's in a container in the fridge. Hang on, I'll get it for you..." Omma started getting up from the chair when Na Jeong stopped her.

"Omonim, please sit down. I'll get it myself," she said cheerfully. She quickly stood up before she put a calming hand on her abdomen. Her breath caught and I looked over at her to see her face pale. I stood up just in time to catch her before her knees gave out.

"Jagiya... You okay?" She closed her eyes and her mouth opened slightly. I helped her back down to the couch as Omma rushed to the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

"Joon-ah... I'm good." Her eyes opened and clear hazel eyes looked into mine before she cupped my face with a delicate hand. The colour seemed to come back to her skin and she smiled. "I just felt lightheaded for a minute."

"We're going to the hospital RIGHT NOW," I said as I collected her bag and prepared to lift her off the couch. "We have to go."

"Joon-ah... Jagiya... Not again," Na Jeong said as I put her arms around my shoulder. "I'm fine. Don't be ridiculous. I'm fine."

"Let's get checked out just in case. Better safe than sorry, right?"

"Joon-ah... PUT ME DOWN!" Na Jeong said as I made my way towards the door, carrying her in my arms. "I'm fine."

I stalked over to the door determinedly. That is, until I felt her twist an earlobe with her deft fingers.

"Oww, oww, Sung Na Jeong, stop that right now!"

"No! PUT ME DOWN! I mean it, Joon-ah," she said as she continued to glare at me.

Reluctantly I put her back down on the floor and she stayed standing, looking at me with her hands on her hips. Omma continued to keep quiet, just watching us looking like she was about to start laughing.

"Jagiya, I love you, but you need to calm down," Na Jeong said as she walked over to the kitchen to grab something from the fridge. I followed closely behind her in case she had another of the spells.

After helping herself to a full size bowl of radish kimchi she walked back over to the living room to reclaim her pepero sticks, left on the coffee table when she almost fainted.

I watched as she took a bite of kimchi with a chocolate stick and tried not to make a face. Her eyes closed in pleasure and Omma and I exchanged a look. Omma raised an eyebrow at me and I shrugged my shoulders. I don't know why the baby wants some strange food. When Na Jeong opened her eyes, she looked directly at me.

"Joon-ah, I'm probably just dehydrated or something. Pregnancy is hard on a woman's body," Na Jeong said.

"That's why I want you to get checked out."

"We can't go running to the doctor every time I feel not completely okay. There is a person growing inside my body... I think it's normal for me to feel funny sometimes, don't you?" Even as Na Jeong was saying this, my Omma was already laughing. "Jagiya... Millions of women get pregnant every day. If we all went to the doctor every time another symptom comes up, the doctors will never get any rest. I'm okay. The baby's okay."

"Na Jeong-ah... That's all fine and well," Omma said. "But is he okay?" She nodded her head towards me. "Joon-ah, sit down." When I made no move to do as she said. "Kim Jae Joon... Sit down. Now."

## Na Jeong

I looked on as Joon stubbornly stood with his arms over his chest, refusing to sit down. I should have known as this pregnancy wore on that he was going to get more and more protective. That's his way and I love him for it, but really. I was going to aegyo him into sitting back down when I heard Omonim's voice.

"Joon-ah, sit down." Joon didn't make a move and Omonim narrowed her eyes at him. "Kim Jae Joon... Sit down. Now."

At last, Joon sat down after just standing dumbly for a few more seconds. I guess a stern tone from his Omma works just as well as my aegyo. I contemplated this as I took another pepero stick and crumbled it over my kimchi. Something about the sweet and the spicy when I take a mouthful of both combined makes me happy nowadays. Heavenly, I thought. This baby knows what's good.

"What were you going to do anyway?" I asked Joon amusedly, trying not to laugh at the fact that he still looked pale as a ghost. "Burst into the emergency room carrying me in your arms, yelling out for a doctor? And what will you say when they ask what the emergency is? Help, my fiancée is pregnant? This is not a drama, Joon-ah."

"I knew he'd be like this," Omma said, clucking her tongue at him. "Overprotective. He's just like his Appa was when I got pregnant. Na Jeong-ah... You think this is bad..." She shook her head at the memory.

"Omonim... It wouldn't be so bad except he just about blew up the doctor's phone the first few days after we found out. Bless her... She was as patient as ever, but he was studying that pregnancy book like someone's about to quiz him on it... And writing questions down. Like we didn't have nine months to get ready. And you don't know how many times I've had to stop him from taking me to the emergency room in the last week." I looked at him and shook my head. "I'm not the first woman to ever get pregnant, Jagiya."

"Well... At least he finally found something he actually wants to study," Omma responded. "He's never been into..."

"YAH... I'M STILL HERE," Joon said, looking at both me and his mother. "I'm standing right here. I can hear everything you're saying."

"Jagiya... You're so touchy these days. Is it because Appa is still not answering your calls?" I looked at the shadow that fell over Joon's eyes and realized that it must be just that. "He'll be fine... What's he going to do, really? Spend the rest of his life never speaking to either of us again? The wedding is in three weeks. I'm pretty sure he won't pass up the opportunity to walk me down the aisle."

"What's the big deal? You're about to get married anyway," Omonim asked and I nodded in agreement.

"That's what I'm saying," I said. "I'm not worried. He is," I added, looking pointedly at Joon.

"Why?" Omonim asked. "You're the oldest child, and the only one who will have children any time soon since your brother is still little, right?" I nodded. "He's our only child. That means all the grandbabies will just come from you two, for now. Of course he'll have to accept it. That's one of the reasons why people have children."

"Why?" Joon asked.

"To have grandchildren, of course!" Omonim said matter of factly. "Your worry seems a bit too much, Joon. You've never been the type to care too much about what anyone thought before."

"Ahh... Omonim..." I said thoughtfully. "Joon and my Appa have a special relationship."

"What special relationship?" Joon asked.

"Joon-ah... It's so special it defies definition. I would worry if he was female," I replied with a wink.

"I suppose it makes sense. They're both in baseball, after all," Omonim commented.

"But Omonim... It goes far beyond baseball. Sometimes I wonder if Joon is his kid or I am. He's so protective of him."

"You two need to stop talking about me like I'm not here," Joon interjected grumpily.

Omonim shot him an irritated glance for interrupting and I patted his hand in sympathy. I was one of only three women in the boarding house when everyone lived there. I know how it must feel to be outnumbered.

Omonim looked like she was thinking for one more minute before she spoke again. "You need to speak to your Appa, Joon-ah. He's really good with getting people to do what he wants them to do, even if they weren't willing. He's very persuasive that way."

Joon tensed up next to me and appeared to be debating in his head what to say next. He coughed and cleared his throat before he spoke. "Ahh... Omma... Speaking of Appa, he sends his regards."

I watched as Joon's Omma blushed and had to hold back my tongue from asking what that's about. Best leave it. Apparently there are still some things left unsettled between the two of them, too. Joon continued to watch his mother closely.

"Omma... Where's Ahjussi?" He suddenly asked.

Omonim waved her hand dismissively and tried to look nonchalant. "He's on a business trip. He'll be back next week."

"Omma... He seems to be going on a hell of..." I heard the irritation in his voice and knew I had to step in. Now is not the time to be talking about this, I realized as I saw a frown overtake Omonim's beautiful face.

"Joon-ah... Go set the table, hmm?" I said gently. He turned to me questioningly, but nodded anyway and stood up and walked towards the kitchen.

I half expected Omonim to tell me to stop ordering her son around when I glanced over at her and saw that she was staring at the table, a distant look on her face. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that Joon was busying himself with setting the table for dinner. I'll ask Omonim to lunch sometime this week, I thought. She looks like she needs someone to talk to and what better friend to have than your own future daughter in law?

## Jamsil Baseball Stadium

## June 10, 2002

## 4:00 p.m.

## Jae Joon

"How's work going?" I asked Na Jeong as I walked into Jamsil Baseball Stadium.

"A lot better now that I don't feel queasy half the time but I think I'll be here until 5:30 at least. There's a lot of work left over from last week." I heard her sigh at the other end of the line. "Where are you?"

"I'm at the stadium."

"Joon-ah... Your game ended hours ago. I thought you said you were going to see Omonim after the game?"

"I did. I brought her lunch at the university," I responded. "I just got back here a few minutes ago."

"Jagiya... Not again..." She said. "How long are you going to do this for?"

"As long as it takes," I said. "He's going to cave soon, I can feel it."

"You said that two weeks ago, when you called him every day. And last week, when you showed up to their training every day. Jagiya... He ignored you. Every single time," she said, frustrated. "Even Omonim and Abonim reacted better. Appa's just being ridiculous and unreasonable and... "

"Na Jeong-ah... It's totally understandable. You're his only daughter. And he did tell us no kissing."

"Yah..."

"All I'm saying is to try to understand where he's coming from. Besides, I brought the big guns today. Don't worry," I reassured her. "I'll tell you about it at dinner tonight. What does ae agi want to eat today? Appa will buy it for you."

Na Jeong released a throaty giggle. "You're so silly sometimes," she said. "The baby doesn't talk yet so you'll just have to make do with what his Omma wants, and his Omma wants gamjatang."

"Jagiya... It's already June. Isn't it a little too warm for gamjatang?"

"I want gamjatang," she complained. "The one from Eungam-dong Alley... What's the name of the restaurant?" I heard silence as she thought about it. "Ah! Daerim Gamjaguk! That's the one!"

"Jagiya... That's at the other end of town. There are a lot of restaurants that serve that around me."

"But... That's the one the baby wants," she said in a little voice. "The baby is very specific. How should I explain to him that his Appa didn't want to get what he wanted, even though he had a car right there, and it only took a few more minutes to get it? How do I explain that his Appa couldn't be bothered?"

"Fine... Fine..." I replied, shaking my head. She is really going to milk this for what it's worth. Luckily for all of us, I am a sucker. Anything for my woman and my child. "I'll go there after I get out of here. Should I even ask of you what size of gamjatang you want?"

"You know what I want," she said triumphantly.

"I got it. Jagiya... I have to go. In Sung just spotted me. I love you. I'll call you on my way home."

"I love you, too. Drive safely, ok?" She said plaintively.

I hung up the phone and walked over to the locked entrance, peering in to see the Twins still in training. I looked at my watch, figuring that they must just only have a few more minutes before they have to take a break. I've learned a lot in the last week that I've been showing up here. In Sung's eyes met mine and his face lit up into a smile.

"Chilbong-ah... I got your text. I can't believe you're here again?" He asked as he unlocked the door. "Coach-nim is still not cooperating with you?" I shook my head no in response. "I should have known that you weren't giving up."

I entered the stadium after him, tucking the package I brought with me closer. Though our teams share the venue, we had just had an away game earlier in the day and I had just gotten back into Seoul.

"How can I? I'm about to marry his daughter in a few weeks' time and we'll be having a baby before the year is out. I can't give up."

"He's in a mood today, so you best watch it. I'll see you during the break." In Sung responded as he went to join his team.

I stood on the side-lines, watching the Twins practice and saw curious eyes directed my way. I know a few of them recognize me, even though I'm dressed in a hoodie and tracksuit bottoms. I saw Appa follow their gazes to me and straightened my spine. He glanced at me but didn't acknowledge my presence. Not even a nod. I have come to expect this. This has been his M.O. for the last two weeks, which is why I changed my plan of attack.

Within a few minutes the team dispersed for their break as my phone buzzed. Just in time. I watched as the caterers showed up to the stadium with their bags and bags of food, as well as coolers full of drinks. The manager of the snack shop approached Appa and spoke to him in hushed tones, then pointed to me. He looked at me, frowning, but signed for the delivery anyway.

"Change in strategy?" In Sung asked as he joined me. "You're using the team to get your way... I like it. Free food usually does the trick."

"Fish cakes, blood sausage, ddukbokki... all high in carbs and proteins, all good for athletes," I said. "Appa likes food as much as anyone. Don't people say that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach? My Appa said to think outside the box and I took his advice."

"My, my, how things have changed. You're actually listening to your father now?" In Sung asked. "Amazing how quickly it all happened once you finally opened your mind up."

"Yah..." I said defensively. "I wasn't closed minded before."

"Yes, you were," he insisted. "That stubbornness of yours is remarkable... Especially since you've been this stubborn since we were kids. It made you an amazing baseball player. But not so flexible a person. Love softened you up."

"Buttered me up, you mean," I said without any irritation. "Na Jeong gets her way most days... And now with the baby... I can't say no. If I wasn't so damn happy I would be disturbed."

"Yah... Wipe that shit eating grin off your face, man. Your future father-in-law is heading towards us. I have to go." He quickly walked off and re-joined his team by the tables, where I saw him grab some fish sticks and soondae.

I stayed in place, unmoving, as he made his way towards me. When he was about two feet away, another of his players, Kim Sang Hyeon, approached him. I recognized him because as one of the youngest players in the league, it's my job to keep track of my opponents or possible teammates.

"Coach Sung... Why is Kim Jae Joon here?" He asked. "You trying to recruit him?"

Before I can answer, Appa fixed him a glare. "No. I don't know this person."

"You don't?" He continued to ask with a smile. "He knows you. You're one of his role models. He said so, in that interview."

I stepped forward and offered the young player my hand. "Hello, I'm Kim Jae Joon. Coach Sung is my father-in-law. It's nice to meet you."

Though Appa continued to look at him sternly, he loped over to where I am and shook my hand. "It's an honour to meet you, Kim Jae Joon-ssi." Turning back to Appa, he said, "Coach-nim... Why didn't you tell us your daughter getting married to THE Kim Jae Joon?"

"He's not my son-in-law! How can someone who plays for the Bears be my family?" He turned to Sang Hyeon. "If you don't get out of here right now, you won't get to eat any food."

"Coach-nim... What are you talking about? The food's not going to run out. There's enough to feed..."

"I meant YOU won't get to eat. I'll forbid you to eat."

Sang Hyeon is no idiot. After giving us both a chagrined look he practically ran to the food table without looking back.

"Appa..." I started and he turned to walk away. "Appa..."

"Walk with me," he ordered.

I walked behind him to the bleachers and watched for what he was doing before I followed suit. He sat down, and I sat down as well, on the same bleachers. A safe distance away from him. In case he decided to beat me.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi... Why are you here?" He asked softly.

"Appa... You know why I'm here," I answered. "Na Jeong and I are getting married in less than two weeks, and you're still not talking to me. It's really upsetting her." Even though it's not. "And me, too." That's a little more accurate. "I've come to ask for your forgiveness and understanding. Not just for me, but for your daughter... And your grandchild too." I took a deep breath. "We all need you in our lives. And we can never celebrate our wedding properly if you're not happy."

Appa stayed silent for a few minutes, his eyes distant. Just when I thought we were going to sit in silence for the duration of the time that I'm here, he spoke quietly. "Na Jeong... My daughter. She's like the light in my life. No one pisses me off more... Or makes me happier. You need to remember that." His voice thickened and I looked at him. "You don't know about my oldest son, Hoon. We don't talk about him much, but.."

"I know about Hoon, Appa. Na Jeong told me," I said.

He turned to me in surprise. "She did? She doesn't say much about him anymore... I think like the rest of us, we just always think about him, because talking about him hurts too much. But..." I watched as he swallowed. "But when Hoon died, I don't know what Omma and I would have done if we didn't have Na Jeong. There were days when neither one of us wanted to get out of bed... But then we thought of Na Jeong and it gave us the strength to get up and to keep going. Having her kept us living and she kept our family together."

"I know you love her and have loved her for a long time. She loves you too, and she's happier than I can ever remember her being her whole life. I'm happy for both of you, make no mistake about that, but I look at her sometimes and I still just see my little girl. And you... You're the man who is stealing her from me. As selfish as that sounds, there it is. And she's not just about to become your wife, but a mother, too. It's happening so fast, and this old man is having a hard time. You are a really ugly person."

"Appa..." My voice trailed off, not quite knowing how to respond.

"You've thought of me as Appa for a long time... But now we have to make a transition. I won't just be Appa anymore, I'll be your father-in-law too. I will always watch out for my daughter's well-being, and I can tell you in no uncertain terms that if you break her heart, I will kill you. No matter how much I care for you."

"Understood."

I looked at his face, slightly older now than when I first walked into the boarding house and smiled. "Appa... When I decided I wanted to marry Na Jeong, I realized it wasn't just her I was marrying. I knew I was marrying into your family, and the thought of being in it permanently made me happy. Because the truth is... The truth is when I fell in love with her, I fell in love with you, too."

His eyes widened. "You fell in love with ME?"

"Yes," I started chuckling before I replied. "You and Omma. And then Sook Sook too, when he was born. I fell in love with all of you. That's why it was so important to me to ask you all first if it was okay before I asked her. I even went to Masan to visit Hoon Hyung. I wanted to know if you would accept me into your family, not just as Chilbong, but as Na Jeong's husband." I unwrapped the bundle I brought with me and offered the box to him.

"What's this?" He asked. "You're not bribing me? I'm still going to call you ugly."

"Appa... That's fine. You can call me whatever you want. But that," I said pointing to the box. "... That is not a bribe. Consider it part of my wedding gift. Omma should be getting a few bottles of perfume as well."

Through this whole conversation, he became emotional but didn't tear up. Until now. Appa looked at the box in wonder, then back at me, then back to the box.

"Chilbong-ah..." The familiar use of my name made me smile and I felt relieved when I realized that all was going to be fine. "... Thirty?"

I almost started laughing at this same conversation that we've had twice over before. I shook my head no slowly. "Fifty."

"Fifty?" He asked disbelievingly. I nodded. "Fifty? I didn't even know this existed."

"Appa... You should enjoy it. That cost almost as much as Na Jeong's ring."

He frowned at me. "Almost?"

"More. It cost more than Na Jeong's ring." His face broke out into a happy smile before his expression sobered. "So how about it? Sung Dong Il-ssi, will you take me as your son-in-law and the father of your grandchildren?"

"I will," he answered before standing up. "I do... But I am still annoyed." He put his hand out to help me up and I took it.

We walked side by side towards where the rest of his team was, and I looked at my watch. If I left now, I might be able to pick Na Jeong up from work.

"Go eat something," Appa ordered as we walked. "You bought all this food, and you haven't even touched any of it."

"Appa, I'd love to," I started. "But I have to go. Na Jeong's about to get out of the office and I promised her gamjatang."

"Gamjatang?" He said. "It's June though."

"That's what I said," I responded, shrugging my shoulders. "But she said that's what the baby wants. We have to get to Eungam-dong in this traffic."

"Why there? There are plenty of restaurants that serve that around her office," he said.

"Appa... She said the baby wants it from there."

"And you bought that?" He tsked at me but I spied the look of approval in his eyes. "That bad girl... Abusing uri Joon so much. At least let me introduce you to everyone."

I was about to ask him to do it after the wedding when Appa's loud voice startled me.

"YAH! YOU SEE THIS GUY? I KNOW YOU ALL KNOW HIM," the whole team turned to listen to him. "KIM JAE JOON. HE'S MY SON IN LAW!" He put an arm around me again and I bowed to the team.

"Wow," another player said. "Coach-nim, that's amazing! Congratulations!"

Everyone else yelled out congratulations and let out celebratory whistles. They had all surrounded Appa and were still congratulating him when I walked off the field and out of the stadium, my heart finally at ease.

##

## June 22, 2002

## 3:30 p.m.

## Jae Joon

"Did you know that Na Jeong invited Park Soo Hyun?" I asked Samcheonpo as I waited in the hallway for the ceremony to begin.

"Of course she did," he replied easily. "They're friends. Plus everyone's here anyway... Including all of Aboji's team. I can't believe he didn't let you invite any of your teammates or coaches. You'll have to make it up to them. Oh, look there's Park Soo Hyun now."

He pointed to the direction of a very good-looking man and I swallowed. I knew he'd be well-dressed but she never mentioned he'd look like a model. Best get this over with, I thought to myself as I excused myself to approach the man Na Jeong worked with for months. I approached him confidently and extended a hand even as I noticed his pretty date watching on curiously.

"Hello... We've never met. I'm Kim Jae Joon, Na Jeong's fiancée. It's nice to finally meet you."

He smiled detachedly and just looked at my face. Hmm... No response. I should try to engage him... Talk about something he knows. So I started rattling off everything I knew about computers, grateful that I prepared myself for this moment. Just because I'm an athlete doesn't mean I'm dumb. I may not be the smartest guy but I can carry on a conversation. His date spoke up as I was about to move onto the topic of business.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi," she started softly, but I detected the gleam of merriment in her eyes. Is she... Laughing at me? I was about to ask her what was so funny when I felt a hand on my arm and turned to see my cousin.

"Joon-ah... They're ready to start," Binggrae said as he handed me my gloves.

I hastily said my goodbye to Soo Hyun as Binggrae led me to the bridal suite. He wiggled his eyebrows and smiled at me before making his way back to the wedding hall. I placed my fingers into the gloves and took a deep breath before I knocked and opened the door.

The sight that greeted me took my breath away. Na Jeong was sitting down, her skirt flared out over her, looking regal. She looked beautiful, her hair in a loose knot at the back of her head, and she wore a tiara. Yards of tulle surrounded her incredible face, and I had to force myself to breathe.

I vaguely heard Yoon Jin's voice as she directed the camera at me and I think she might have asked me to say something but even now, I struggled to form a coherent thought in my head. Finally her words started to register and I zoned in just in time to hear her ask me a question.

"Ah... What's wrong with this? Look what you did with your hair." She asked me. "Why is it all puffed up like that?"

"Yah... I think he looks handsome," Na Jeong said as she studied me from head to toe. I don't care if I looked ridiculous if she kept looking at me like that. "But is that lipstick on your mouth?"

I nodded, wondering why the photographer insisted I put colour on my lips, but no matter. The way Na Jeong looked at me made me feel like I was the only person here. And I drank in the sight of her like it was the air that I breathed. It's time. It's time to make her my wife.

"Are you ready, Sung Na Jeong-ssi?" I asked, my voice thick with emotion as I held out my hand.

She stood up quickly and walked towards me. Her skirt made her look like she's gliding on the floor and when she turned I saw the row of buttons covering the back of the dress, with only a hint of her upper back visible. I wanted so badly to place a kiss there, where her graceful neck met her spine. Magnificent hazel eyes met mine as she interlinked our fingers, and I could feel the warmth of her hands through my gloves.

"I've been ready for years, Kim Jae Joon-ssi. Let's go get married."

## June 22, 2002

## 3:30 p.m.

## Na Jeong

I raised both my arms in the air as Ae Jung and Yoon Jin lowered the dress over me. Should I hold my breath in? I thought. Well that's fine, except what's in your belly is not exactly something you can hold in. Right.

I felt the texture of the silky fabric as it brushed over my skin, and I hoped that it wouldn't mess up my hair. I had styled my hair simply for this occasion, merely putting it into a bun. With my headpiece so elaborate, I opted to go understated with the rest of my wedding wear.

I felt Yoon Jin's nimble fingers behind me as she did the row of buttons on my back, extending from the top of the dress between my scapula down to the small of my back, where the dress' skirt flared out into a simple A line silhouette, emphasizing my small waist and my slender hips. It wasn't until Yoon Jin indicated she was done that I allowed myself to turn around and look at myself in the mirror.

My breath caught as I looked at myself in the mirror, my already frazzled emotions threatening to overwhelm me. The dress I chose was unadorned, the neckline modestly covering my chest and softly sitting just off my shoulders, and with my hair up, my neck and my collarbone were exposed.

Omma walked up to me, her eyes tearing up as she handed me a box.

"Your mother-in-law handed this to me when I was talking to her just a few minutes ago. She said she forgot to give it to you last week," she said, watching me as I opened the box to reveal a pair of chandelier earrings. "Joon's Appa is already here too. Isn't he so handsome?"

"Yes, Omma. Abonim is astonishingly handsome. Good looking genes run in that family."

The earrings caught the light and I watched the way they twinkled in front of me. I shakily picked one up from the box as my mother took the other one. Putting it on, I watched myself in the mirror as my mother placed it on my other ear. Perfect. Omonim knew just what would go with the dress. Thank goodness I showed a picture of it to her when we met up for lunch a few weeks ago.

"Yoon Jin-ah... Can you grab the box on the table, please?" I called out as I sat myself down carefully. She brought me the box and I opened it slowly, not unlike the way I did the first time I got it. I lifted the tiara from the tissue cradling it and wondered if my neck was strong enough to hold this up. I'll manage, I thought determinedly. I have to.

I lifted it to the top of my head and tried to secure it, but the off the shoulder sleeves on my dress limited my movement and I struggled. After the third time, Yoon Jin and Omma took the pins from me and directed me to stay still.

"Na Jeong-ah... This is very pretty... But it's a bit large," she commented. "When did you get this?"

"Omma... It's a long story. But I definitely have to wear this," I said. "Is it going on okay?"

"Yes," she said as she stepped back and perused her handiwork. "Now, where is your veil?"

Yoon Jin picked up the video camera and turned it on. She told me to smile as she started filming. Meanwhile Ae Jung and Jin Yi Noona took their cameras out of their bags and started taking pictures as well. Omma fasten the veil on top of my head and I fought the urge to blow the tulle off my face. Really... All this just for a couple of hours. Joon wanted to have a party, so we'll have a party.

Speaking of Joon, I've spent the last week before the wedding at home, packing up my room and my life into boxes that we'll be moving to the apartment tomorrow morning. We don't go to Japan for our honeymoon until Monday, with Joon getting the time off from work, and we'll spend our first day as a married couple getting myself settled into the apartment.

I wonder what he's doing right now. I hope he's not nervous. We've planned this for what seems like a long time and he's always been very comfortable in a crowd full of people, so this should be a picnic for him.

Whereas I... I'm not nervous, but the thought of taking center stage still makes me apprehensive. Even at my own wedding. I thought about taking a swallow of water but decided against it. No one wants to see the bride lose her lunch while walking down the aisle. From the corner of my eye, I saw as Yoon Jin panned the video camera over all the women in the bridal suite before turning it onto me. I fixed a smile on my face automatically though I wanted to cringe instead.

"Yah... Sung Na Jeong," Yoon Jin said behind the camera, "Don't you think you put too much in there? Your chest is pushed up too much. I think I will be able to see your breasts soon!"

I carried on smiling even as I responded through gritted teeth. "I want to die right now."

"Still," she quipped back. "You're the bride. Relax your face."

"You take 50,000 pictures like this and see if you are any different from me." My face felt frozen in a smile, but I can't be frowning at any of the photos or the video for that matter.

"Na Jeong-ah. This is your last chance. Run away quickly. If you just walk out these doors, you are once again free," she said seriously.

"Should you say that to a bride who's about to get married? You are happily married and you're telling me to grow old by myself?" I said this lightly, because I knew full well that even without this wedding I will never grow old by myself. Joon will never permit that. We will grow old together, just as we were always meant to do.

"If you get married now, you can no longer go see Lee Sang Min Oppa at Jeon Joo," she said. How dare she dangle Sang Min Oppa's name to me? I thought crossly.

"I got permission from the groom. He said holiday games are okay." Now is not the time to mention that he actually agreed to me going to holiday games alone but said yes to more than that, provided that I go to the other games with him, when he's not playing. I don't want Joon to look like a wuss.

"What won't they promise before the wedding?" She scoffed. "And you believe him, you dummy?"

"Yeah," I said, as the door opened and Joon stepped in. Tender dark brown eyes met mine and I smiled. "Or just ask the groom behind you."

"Really?" Yoon Jin responded. "Then the groom should be saying something too. Oh wait a minute... Wait a minute... Ah, why is it doing this?" She started fiddling with the video camera even as she continued speaking. "But you look awesome today. You're so different after you've been styled. Ah... What's wrong with this? Look what you did with your hair." She said laughingly. "Why is it all puffed up like that?"

"Yah... I think he looks handsome," I said as his mouth curved up into a smile. "But is that lipstick on your mouth?"

He nodded, blushing as I unabashedly studied him from head to toe and felt a warmth suffuse me. Dressed in a tuxedo, he looked beautiful. If a man can be considered beautiful, that is. The jacket fit his broad shoulders perfectly, the white shirt underneath crisp. The bowtie was fastened at his neck and the tuxedo lapels lent a formality to his jacket. Perfectly tailored pants covered his long lean legs leading to handmade leather shoes. I directed my eyes back to his face and he raised an eyebrow at me.

"Are you ready, Sung Na Jeong-ssi?" He asked huskily and put out a gloved hand.

Before I knew it I had already stood up and taken his hand in mine. I didn't even notice the women behind me as they straightened my veil and smoothed out my skirt onto the floor, so focused was I on Joon.

"I've been ready for years, Kim Jae Joon-ssi," I responded, a lump in my throat. "Let's go get married."

I stood at the doorway to the wedding hall, one arm looped into my father's and my free hand carrying a bouquet of cream and white roses. I looked at my Appa, his face proud but nervous, as he waited for the signal to enter. Joon had already disappeared behind the double doors, having made his entrance just a few minutes before.

"You look beautiful, Na Jeong-ah," Appa said quietly and I suddenly felt tears in my eyes.

"Appa..." I said, my voice thick. "Thank you. You look great in your suit. Who knew Sung Dong Il cleaned up so well?"

"This old thing?" He asked bashfully. "I had to get dressed up. The whole team is here. And maybe, some very special guests."

"What special guests?" I asked.

"You'll find out soon enough," he answered with a wink. He cleared his throat and looked away before he spoke again. "Na Jeong-ah...Omma and I... We are very proud of you. Not just because you're getting married, but because of the woman you grew into. You are already a wonderful person, and Joon is very lucky to be loved by you."

"We're both lucky, Appa," I said sincerely. "Joon is a good man. Don't worry."

"We are very happy for you both. And your Joon is not just a good man, but a great one. I knew from the moment I met him that I could trust him with you. Even now, under these circumstances..." He added as he looked at my belly, "I still believe that."

"He's wonderful, Appa. But he's not the best. Not yet, anyway," I said softly.

He narrowed his eyes at me and I almost laughed. "Don't you be comparing your groom to that Lee Sang Min on your wedding day," he said. "I know you thought he was the best, but still..."

"I'm looking at the very best man I know, right now," I interrupted. "You are the best, Appa. How lucky I was when I was born that I had you."

He lifted my gloved hand to his lips and kissed it before placing a kiss on my forehead. "Be happy, my daughter. And you and Joon, take care of each other. Don't ever forget what brought you two together. It's the only way you'll weather all of life's storms. Be kind to each other. Just like me and Omma."

I nodded tearfully even as I heard Samcheonpo's voice on the mic as the double doors opened.

"Now, next is today's main star, the bride Sung Na Jeong will enter. Bride enter!"

My father looked at me and nodded before taking a step forward. With no hesitation I followed with a slow step. I heard the music playing softly in the background, and admired how the chandelier sparkled. All the details that I had so carefully chosen and obsessed over the past few months were neglected by me, though, as my eyes strayed to the guests who have come to witness our wedding. I glanced over at my side, where all our friends and family sat. I nodded at Yoon Jin, Haitai, Ae Jung, and Yoo Mi Unnie. Omma met my eyes and dabbed at her own, while Sook Sook stood, dressed in a tuxedo that he picked out with Joon, watching us with bored detachment. But then my eyes met Jung Gook Oppa's and he nodded encouragingly, eliciting a small smile from me. How strange this must all be, for him and Joon both, to be sharing this moment all together.

My eyes travelled to Joon's side of the hall, where his parents sat apart, both smiling as they watched me walk down the aisle. Jin Yi Unnie stood with the camera in her hand and took pictures, while Binggrae gestured a thumbs up to me. Jung Jin Oppa was also here, looking devastatingly handsome in his suit. In Sung and Misoo stood together, holding hands, gazing at me fondly and at each other, no doubt remembering their own wedding, from not so long ago. There were others, too, other faces I didn't know on Joon's side, but I recognized John, his doorman from San Francisco, sitting with a kind looking woman who I assume is his wife. I beamed at him and he smiled back before I saw another face. One I had not been expecting. Lee Sang Min Oppa. OMO OMO... Joon invited Sang Min Oppa!?! He wasn't kidding when he said he'll make all my dreams come true. Although just by him loving me, most of them had already come to fruition.

It suddenly hit me as I walked towards Joon, his handsome face illuminated by the soft glow of the lights, that I am in a room, flanked by the men I've ever loved in my life on all sides. Appa, who guided me surely to my future, the one who taught me what love meant even as a child, through words and by example. To my left was the love from my adolescence, the one who I worshipped from afar. To my right was my first love, the person I loved in my youth, someone I had loved with the idealism of someone too young to have any idea what love actually meant. But in front of me, in front of me, is the man I love and will love until my last breath. I loved him not with the naiveté of youth, but with the gravity of a woman, fully understanding, and fully accepting of what it entailed to truly share yourself and your life with someone else. I love him not because he's perfect, not because I have no choice but to love him even though at times it may have seemed that way, but because he is my choice.

As I walked down the long aisle in the arms of Appa, I allowed my mind to wander to what could have happened had Joon and I not been given another chance. I imagined Joon loving someone else, and though I've considered it before, even the thought of it now, punches me straight in the gut and brings tears to my eyes instantaneously. I thought about what my future might have looked like if I had ended up with Oppa, not having allowed myself to know who I really am, before I learned to love myself, and I felt a fraction of the grief from what might have been the bigger sin overwhelm me. I imagined a different life, where Joon and I both ended up with other people and I felt a loss so great the magnitude of it almost brought me to my knees. Never have I been more grateful for second chances than now, as I saw my future standing not too far from me now, waiting patiently, as he always did, and as he had always done.

I love Joon not only because he loves me, but because in his eyes, even all those years ago, I saw a vision of myself, perhaps the truest version of myself that I had ever known. Because of his love and his belief in me, I wanted to be stronger, kinder, more loving and better. To this day I continue to live with that in mind, brave enough to take chances, safe in the knowledge that I am loved no matter how many times I fail.

I looked at his face as my steps quickened, our eyes locked together. I would have sprinted to him if I could. Love shone through his eyes like a beacon in the dark, and I knew that he was calling me home.

Joon-ah, I thought. I take you as my husband. To have and to hold. For richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. All the days of my life. No truer words have been said, Joon-ah... And in no moment truer than this. The world could end and I will love you still. For now and for always.

When at last only a foot separated us, he reached his hand out to me and Appa brought my hand to his. I thought we were scot free, that is, until Appa refused to let go.

## Jae Joon

Appa sent me a reassuring smile as I stood at the front of the wedding hall waiting for Na Jeong to enter with her father. Omma, sat two spaces away from him, watched me with knowing eyes. She must know how nervous I am. Being in front of a crowd was nothing but I have never gotten married before. The double doors opened and when I saw Na Jeong, all the nerves went out of my body, replaced with the thrum of anticipation.

I took deep breaths and forced my heart to slow down some. My palms felt sweaty under the gloves I was wearing and the glare from the light was distracting. I realized as I stood that I felt the same emotions that I do before my first pitch in every game. The same tension... The same excitement... After all these years... After all the things we've gone through, we were finally here. Our future right in front of us. Our future growing inside Na Jeong.

I have only ever loved her in my life and yet I felt no loss. Although I've never known anyone else, I felt no regret for what I may have missed. Just because I have only loved one woman doesn't mean that I have lost out on feeling all the kinds of love out there. I have loved Na Jeong with the idealism of youth, and have tasted the bitterness of an unreciprocated first love. And now I love her with a deeper love, fully grounded in reality, built on a solid foundation that we ourselves established and that we continue to strengthen every single day.

A lump formed in my throat as I remembered all those times that I had gazed at her always from afar, all the instances where I had seen her walking away from me. I had always stood behind her, wondering if she will ever see me. But now as her lovely eyes locked with mine, our past, present and future in her eyes, though I remembered the sadness and the loneliness, I knew that it had all been worth it to have this moment. To see her walking towards me, her feet quickening as she rushed to my side.

I smiled at her when at last we stood face to face, and when her father offered me her hand, I had taken it unhesitatingly, only to have her Appa hesitate to let go. I smiled at him, fully understanding his plight, and he soon relented.

"Hi," she said softly, her eyes shining with unshed tears.

"Hi back," I responded, trying to hold back my own tears. I will not be like Samcheonpo, bawling like a baby on my wedding day. "I love you," I blurted out before I could even stop myself.

"I love you more."

Even before the ceremony started, I had already begun reciting my vows in my head as I felt the weight of her hand in mine.

Na Jeong-ah, I thought, I take you as my wife. To have and to hold. For richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. As long as we both shall live. I will love you through life... And even in death. Though with you by my side I plan on living for a very very long time.

Na Jeong smiled as she looked me in the eyes, a tear falling. I brought a hand to her face to wipe them away. She brought my palm to her lips and placed a kiss there, just as she had so many times before. It felt like the world had dissipated and it was just us again, all the many times we have stood face to face like this. We stared at each other for a few long beats until I heard the officiant cough and clear his throat. Some of the guests giggled and the men were overtly laughing.

Feeling self-conscious, I led her by the hand to the front of the wedding hall, in front of the officiant. We stood side by side, and the officiant started the ceremony with a greeting and a few words.

"In many people's blessings, two of you that blossomed as one flower, are the most beautiful and happy people in this world. And this happiness will last forever but... "

Next to me I looked at Na Jeong, her expression impatient, and had to hold back a smile. The officiant continued to speak and I sensed a disturbance behind me to see Na Jeong's Appa standing up and taking Sook Sook by the hand to leave the hall.

"...You will get wealth from your children and grandchildren..." the officiant continued and I felt even myself spacing out. I wondered if I had made a grave mistake letting Hyung recommend this officiant, as I spied Samcheonpo holding back a yawn.

"First, let's trust one another. Trust, even though it seems easy, it can be really difficult. However, if you think it's hard and choose to not trust, then you won't be able to accomplish anything," he continued.

Na Jeong still looked bored and appeared to be holding back a yawn as well. We should have eloped, really. The pregnancy wore her out so quickly and I wouldn't be surprised if she fell asleep right now.

Am I allowed to be bored at my own wedding? I looked over at Na Jeong and she looked back at me with laughing eyes. I know she knows what I'm thinking and I felt a grin form on my face. I saw Na Jeong's Appa and Sook Sook come back to the wedding hall and reclaim their seats and smiled when Sook Sook gave me a thumbs up and a wave.

"The husband trusts his wife and depend on her, and the wife trust the husband and depends on him. Trusting means not doubting, but with your heart, giving reliance and accepting. I wish for both of you to be a couple who trusts and believes in each other. Now the bride and groom will light a candle together to symbolize their unity and togetherness."

Samcheonpo motioned for me and Na Jeong to come to the front of the hall and light the candles that were on the table. We weren't quite sure about this tradition in Korea but I had seen it at one of my teammates' wedding in America, and I thought it was sweet. Na Jeong walked to the opposite side of the table as she picked up her candle just as I walked over to my side and picked up my own. We lit them both at the same time as we looked at each other and I could have sworn we have done this before. Of course we have... The night of the blackout at the boarding house. We both walked to the center of the table and our hands clasped together, lit the middle candle aflame.

As we walked back to our places in front of the officiant, Binggrae walked up to me and handed me a small box, as Yoon Jin handed Na Jeong one as well.

"The bride and groom will now exchange rings, as a symbol of their never-ending love and devotion," the officiant said, and gestured for us to begin.

"Kim Jae Joon," Na Jeong started shakily as she lifted my left hand and placed a plain ring onto my finger. "Take this ring as a symbol of my love and devotion. I marry you with this ring, and all that I have, and all that I am, is yours, will always be yours."

Though her hands were trembling she was able to slip it on without much trouble. I looked at the ring over my glove and remembered that I now wore the first ring she gave me around my neck. We shared a smile even as I took her left hand and placed a more elaborate ring on her finger.

"Sung Na Jeong," I repeated, my voice a little more nervous than hers. I cleared my throat and began again. Don't embarrass yourself, Kim Jae Joon. "Sung Na Jeong," I said, a little more strongly this time. "Take this ring as a symbol of my love and devotion. I marry you with this ring, and all that I have, and all that I am, is yours, will always be yours."

I thought she would at least look at the ring I had carefully picked out for her, but she didn't take her eyes off my face, not for one minute. Are we husband and wife, yet? I thought about this for a couple of minutes as I would really like to kiss my bride. I got my answer when the officiant began speaking again.

"Lastly and second, let's love each other. Try thinking of the word love for a moment. how sweet and profound.... And lastly," my heart rejoiced when I heard that word, "my wish is for you to be happy and joyous. Thank you."

"Thank you for your valuable words. Now, you've waited for long time. Next, to congratulate today's wedding ceremony, there will be a wedding song performance," Samcheonpo said, his tone at least growing more awake now that the officiator had finished speaking.

"We had a wedding song performance?" Na Jeong asked me and I shrugged my shoulders. We didn't hire a wedding song performer, so I have no clue who would be singing or who arranged it.

"For the groom, Kim Jae Joon, and the bride Sung Na Jeong's wedding, as a special performance I will sing the wedding song," Samcheonpo declared and I could have sworn I heard Yoon Jin mutter a curse. "I would appreciate it if the groom and the bride can turn towards me. The song I'm going to sing is The Blue's "I Only Feel You". I will sing Song Ji Chang's part and for Kim Min Jong's part, someone else will sing it. Then, please play the music."

"It's you, it's you, right?" Na Jeong asked when she turned to face Yoon Jin.

"No!" Yoon Jin answered vehemently.

Na Jeong turned to me with questioning eyes. "Who is it? Who is it?" She asked before asking Yoon Jin again if she knew and she swore that she did not.

"Applause! Applause! Na Jeong, live happily ever after. And stop tormenting your pitiful groom," Samcheonpo said happily before the beginning strains of the song came on and he began to sing. He was doing quite well actually, with his sunglasses on when he stopped singing and started calling out, "Kim Min Jong!"

I watched in surprise as Kim Min Jong did indeed turn up and started singing along. He and Samcheonpo continued to sing their alternate verses before breaking out into a duet. I watched as Na Jeong started swaying to the music and stopped myself from laughing. I noted the incredulous expression on my parents' faces and completely understand how they feel. The song ended and we all broke out in applause. Kim Min Jong took the mic and everyone quieted to hear him speak.

"Hello, I am Kim Min Jong. I sincerely congratulate the groom and the bride on their wedding today."

"Thank you. It's Kim Min Jong. Once more, applause please," Samcheonpo said.

"Have a great time. Thank you everyone. Let's give congratulations to our groom and bride, once more. Thank you. I'm Kim Min Jong. Once more, applause please," Kim Min Jong continued. "I love you. I am forever your fan! Thank you! Thank you!"

"Applause! Applause!" Samcheonpo encouraged as Kim Min Jong made his exit.

Once everyone had settled down, Samcheonpo once again took the microphone and continued with the proceedings.

"Would all the friends of the bride and groom come up on stage to take a photo," he said as he gestured for all of our friends joined Na Jeong and I as we stood facing the guests.

Both he and Yoon Jin went automatically to Na Jeong's side, as did Haitai and Ae Jung. Jin Yi Noona was already standing on my side and Binggrae looked like he was about to join the rest of the gang when he bypassed Na Jeong, who frowned at him.

"Kim Dong Joon, where are you going?" She asked.

"Dong Joon should be standing at the groom side," Samcheonpo answered for him.

"Jagiya... Of course he would be on my side. He was my cousin before he was your friend," I told her even as she frowned at me.

Yoon Jin said something to Na Jeong and she looked at her left side in surprise. Binggrae had just joined me on my side of the group when I heard the photographer speak.

"The groom is too tight, give us a smile," he instructed. Though my face hurt from all the smiling, I complied and gave a small smile. "A bigger one... Yes, like that... The one standing beside the bride..." he continued, looking directly at Haitai. "From the expression to dress up. The style is awesome! Awesome! Let's take the pic... One... Two... Three..."

Finally when all the pictures had been taken, we all relaxed. The hard part is over. Now we get to enjoy our meal. I waited impatiently as Samcheonpo delivered the closing words to the ceremony.

"Now, for the wedding finale, we will have the wedding procession. We would be grateful if the guests would bless the newly married couple's first steps together with a big round of applause. Now... Groom and Bride, proceed!" He finished gleefully and I tucked Na Jeong's arm into mine as we walked out of the reception hall.

I can feel her happiness... Whether it's from the fact that we're now married or from the ceremony being finished I wasn't quite sure. No matter. We are now husband and wife. We stood outside the hall, along with our parents to greet the guests as they came out when Omma's phone rang and I followed Appa's eyes as he watched her walk a fair distance away.

It must be Ahjussi, I thought, as I studied the frown that came over her face. Though I still feel uncomfortable speaking to her about him, I would be happy to listen if she needed someone to speak to. Thankfully for her and me, it seems she has found a confidante in Na Jeong. I looked at Appa to catch him still looking at Omma and wondered if I needed to talk to him about it later.

"Yah, smile, yeobo," Na Jeong said next to me with a nudge to my side, breaking me out of my reverie. Seeing as we've now progressed to Yeobo made me smile and I cupped her face with my hand before giving her a light kiss.

She pulled away as Soo Hyun came out of the wedding hall and I waited for her reaction to him. She untangled her fingers from mine and approached him with her arms outstretched.

"SOO HYUN-AH!" Na Jeong squealed joyfully and I tamped down my jealousy. Yeah... He's a good looking guy. FINE... He's a ridiculously handsome man, but Na Jeong resisted his charms before. And he did come with a beautiful date, as I studied the woman standing next to him. She had shoulder length black hair and smart almond shaped eyes. Her lovely face was looking around observantly but lit up when she saw Na Jeong approaching them. Maybe she's someone else Na Jeong knows... But either way, I hope she doesn't hug him. I watched with narrowed eyes as she ran towards him and I almost stopped her lest she trips and falls.

"Soo Hyun-ah," she finally said when she stood in front of them, and then launched herself in Soo Hyun's date's arms.

Hold on... Soo Hyun is a woman? That woman? Then what the hell was I doing speaking to the man earlier? And why didn't anyone stop me?

"Soo Hyun-ah... Let me introduce you to my husband," Na Jeong said as she dragged her friend to where I stood. "Joon-ah... This is Park Soo Hyun, my friend from my old company. You remember, right? I went out with her on her birthday."

Soo Hyun smiled at me knowingly and I cringed. I bowed formally and shook her hand when she spoke.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi, it's nice to finally meet you. Na Jeong spoke of you constantly when we worked together," Soo Hyun said when her date whispered something to her. "Let me introduce you to my date, though it seems you already made his acquaintance earlier. This is Daniel Henney. He just came from America." She turned to her date and said in perfect English, "Daniel, you say chukhamnida in Korean for congratulations."

Daniel flashed me a smile before repeating the words.

"Thank you," I said in English. Had I known... I shook my head ruefully. "Sorry about earlier. I didn't realize you didn't speak Korean."

"I didn't realize you spoke any English," he responded. "I saw you play in the MLB when you were in America. You're very talented. I was just telling Tess, here, how she should have told me it was your wedding we were going to."

"Tess?" Na Jeong asked Soo Hyun and she grinned in response.

"It's my English name," she replied. "We'll talk later," she said to Na Jeong as she pulled Daniel away. "And Kim Jae Joon-ssi... Don't worry. I think the only thing you said that Daniel understood was computer." She gave us one last smile before they walked away.

"Joon-ah... I didn't realize you already met Soo Hyun," she chided.

"I didn't," I responded. "I thought Daniel was Soo Hyun."

"What? Joon, really..." She said. "Mmmm... It makes sense now, all that jealousy. Why would you think Soo Hyun was a man?"

"I don't know..." I responded uneasily. And there I was trying to impress Daniel about my knowledge of computer science and business. I flushed self-consciously and Na Jeong kissed me.

"You're adorable, Kim Jae Joon-ssi," she said. Her eyes were bright with amusement and her lips pink as she bit her bottom lip. "I love you."

"I love you more. And I'm nowhere near as adorable as you," I said, as I wrapped my arms around her waist.

"Stop that, you two," Na Jeong's Appa whispered. "You're already pregnant."

"YEOBO!" Na Jeong's Omma exclaimed as everyone burst out laughing.

## September 18, 2002

## 6:15 p.m.

## Jae Joon

"Yeobo, I'm home," I called out as I closed the apartment door behind me.

Putting my car keys on the table that now graced the apartment's entrance I wondered if Na Jeong had already left for her evening walk. Damn. I didn't get home in time. With her approaching her sixth month I am getting increasingly nervous about leaving her alone for long periods of time but thankfully the season's almost over and I get to be at home at her beck and call until the baby comes.

Training ran later than I thought it would and the traffic had been horrible. I placed the bbyudagui hae-jang-guk that my Omma sent over for Na Jeong and a Jurassic Park set that I picked up from Tous les Jours before coming home. Grabbing a bottle of water, I was perusing the fridge for banchan to eat with the pork back soup when I noticed that the living room was dark. I closed the fridge and turned on the light and was surprised to see my wife sitting on the couch with her head down. Nervous that something had happened I walked slowly towards her and sat down. It wasn't until I was about to take my hand in mine that I noticed she was sniffling and tearing up.

"Na Jeong-ah... What's wrong?" I asked hesitantly.

Did she have a doctor's appointment today that I forgot about? I could have sworn I marked my calendar correctly, but I am a bit forgetful sometimes. Between games and training I wonder sometimes how I can keep up with the schedule, but it's so much easier than it would have been had we decided to move away from Korea. At any given time, I know she can call her Omma and Appa if she needed help. When she didn't respond right away, I wondered what had occurred that made her like this. I spoke to her earlier and she sounded fine.

"Yeobo..." I repeated. "Are you in pain? Are you angry?" I lifted her chin so I can look into those beautiful eyes, still glistening with tears. As soon as her gaze met mine my heart thumped in my chest, love coursing freely for this woman I now call my wife. "Na Jeong-ah..."

"I'm fat," she finally cried out, her voice breaking. "I'm ugly and I'm fat and I can't see my feet! My ankles are swollen and so are my boobs! My center of gravity ..."

Is this what she's upset about? Seeing that she was so obviously distraught about this, I struggled to keep my face neutral even as I wanted to chuckle and let her continue on with her ramblings.

"... Is so warped that I feel like I'm always tipping forward. I cannot even smell ddukbokki without puking! My back hurts and it takes me forever to even find a comfortable sleeping position!" She sniffled earnestly before delivering her last complaint. "I can't... I can't even tie my own shoelaces!"

I thought for one moment on how I should respond. After all I have no idea what kind of physical and hormonal changes a woman goes through during pregnancy. Reading the pregnancy book helps, but I am not experiencing any of what she's feeling, so I can't disqualify any of her statements.

For one second I thought about just following Samcheonpo's advice. He told me that the nine months will go by fairly peacefully if I just agreed to whatever it is she wants and says. "Don't waste your energy and your breath trying to argue or make sense of any request or anything... Because no matter what she will win the argument," he advised. "And you'll do well to let her win, since you know... You're not the one carrying another person in your body." He had patted me on the shoulder before we shared a sigh. "A happy wife means a happy life. How do you think I survived Yoon Jin when she had been pregnant with Dong Min? How do you think I'm surviving now? 'Yes, yeobo' has become my new best friend and has saved my life plenty of times."

Keeping this in mind, I thought about what to say. It was in these long moments of silence that I remembered something. Uri Na Jeong is nothing if not sensible and should I say something just to try to calm her down, she will see right through it and accuse me of being condescending and patronizing. Should I agree with all that she's saying I will be called insensitive and thoughtless. Samcheonpo is so wrong. His tactics may work on Yoon Jin, who admittedly is probably right all the time, but it will not work for Na Jeong. I took a deep breath before turning back to look at her face.

"What shall we do then?" I asked with a smile. "We're about to have a quarrel."

Na Jeong looked at me, confused. I stood up and dropped down on my knees in front of her. I held her hands before I spoke.

"It's true you can't see your feet and you can't tie your shoelaces. I bet it's really hard to keep yourself balanced what with the baby weighing you down and your back hurting from the effort of standing upright. Those things all matter and they're true," I continued. "But you're so wrong. You're neither ugly or fat. You're glowing and you're pregnant... There's a difference."

"Yah... Kim Jae Joon..." She said. I heard the warning in her voice and smiled. I knew she'd hear 'you're wrong' and automatically feel irritated that I disagreed with her, even if I was saying sweet things that every woman would want to hear. My woman is at the very least consistent.

"Na Jeong-ah, You can't win every argument. Not when you're insulting the woman I love."

I looked into her eyes and watched them soften. These fluctuating moods and her hormones should probably scare me, but it's lovely to see her like this. Cool and confident Sung Na Jeong has become one composed woman these days. We've definitely come a long way from Yonsei. But seeing her expressive face always reminds me of why and how I fell in love with her in the first place. I stood up after tying her laces and sat myself back down on the couch next to her. I pulled her to my lap and though her motions were slowed down by her stomach, we got there in the end. I rested my head on her shoulder as my arms wrapped around her.

"Do you know what I thought when I first saw you?" I asked. "Eight years ago... When I walked into breakfast at the boarding house?" I felt her shake her head over me. "You had your crazy short hair back then, and you were wearing just regular clothes. Pretty, I thought, but that was nothing. Looks never bothered me before. I've seen a lot of pretty women in my time."

She kept quiet but I could feel her bristling with indignation and I had to hold back to keep myself from grinning. "But then I got to know you and what once was just pretty became the most beautiful person in my eyes. Your mind... Your heart... Your humour... All those things combined together and I realized that you would forever be the most beautiful girl to me. As the years of loving you went by, you stayed the loveliest girl in my memory and then a miracle happened." I raised my eyes to hers and she looked at me questioningly.

"You fell in love with me. You became luminous. Happy, crying, angry... You were always magnificent. I've watched you from afar for so long and I've now seen you up close a million times and every time you never fail to make my heart race. I often think this. How can she still do that? How can she get even prettier every time I look at her? But I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Yes, you've gained some weight and your face is a little fuller. You waddle sometimes from your back and your swollen ankles... But you're still beautiful. In fact you have never been more beautiful to me than now, carrying our child. I look at you and I'm amazed and humbled by the thought that you carry within you a life we've made together. I must have saved a country in another life because you are best gift I ever received. Even when we're old and grey I WILL still think that way. So whose opinion matters more? You only get to look at yourself in the mirror a few times a day but I'm the one who gets to look at you all the time."

I placed my hand on her abdomen, and smiled when I felt a kick under my palm.

"Uri Young Seon-ah... You think Omma is beautiful too, right?" I asked, speaking to our child. "Just wait until you see her. Even you will be surprised at how pretty she is. You'll say, 'Wow, Appa... How is it possible that Omma is like that?' And I won't be able to answer because I don't know either." I leaned down and pressed a soft kiss at the spot where I felt him kick.

"Joon-ah," I heard Na Jeong say and I looked up to see her eyes soft with tears. I brushed my fingers to wipe them away before a small smile lit up her face. She leaned down and pressed a kiss to my lips before speaking. "I love you."

"I love you more."

We sat quietly and watched as the sky darkened outside our windows. She said nothing and I took comfort in the silence... we've finally hit a point in our lives where words are sometimes unnecessary. I can read her like the back of my hand... She's become my favourite song and my favourite book, all in one. I used to think my favourite colour was blue until I realized that my favourite colour changes now along with the colour of her eyes. To this day I'm convinced she still doesn't quite fully grasp how beautiful she is to me but that's okay.

"Na Jeong-ah... What brought this around?" I asked quietly.

"I wanted to take a walk after work... And when I tried to tie my shoelaces I almost fell."

"I'm sorry about that," I said, even though I started chuckling. "But that's so cute. You're like the cutest pregnant woman in the world."

"You're biased," she teased.

"Be that as it may, I think that every time I look at you," I said.

"But... But I'm not very sexy nowadays," she said softly. "I feel like another person has taken over my body."

"Only for a few more months," I reassured her. I started rubbing her lower back and she sighed in pleasure as she relaxed against me. "And you, my love, are very, very sexy. You're like a goddess and earth mother all in one."

"Joon-ah... I swear you're so dorky sometimes," she said laughingly. "But we haven't... You know..." Her voice trailed off and I had to hold back a smile.

"It's only been two weeks, Sung Na Jeong-ssi," I responded. "You're tired most days from work and you know I'm tired after my games and training. Two weeks without it and you're questioning how desirable you are to me? That's..."

"Crazy. Insane. Ridiculous. I know," she said quietly. "... But my hormones are all over the place and I think about how everything is changing all at once."

"Change doesn't have to be a bad thing. Everything changes even as they stay the same. The things that matter... Like how much I love you and how much you love me... Those things will never change. We may transform into other versions of ourselves but essentially we are already who we are meant to be."

"I know that," she responded. "Do you think it's selfish of me that I should be all peaceful and happy about being pregnant and all I worry about sometimes are my swollen ankles and my sore back?"

"No. I think it would be abnormal if you don't have those thoughts. You will be a mother... and a great one at that, but you are still a woman first," I reassured her. "There is nothing wrong with that. Us being parents... It will change our perspective for sure and our priorities too but I hope that we still see ourselves not just as parents but people first. I think our children will be better for it, as well."

"Aigoo... This one is not even out and you're already talking in plural." She shook her head at me and I smoothed her brow with a finger. "I'm relieved we're having a boy first. I feel like I already have some experience, having been so involved with Sook Sook growing up.... Oh yeah... Speaking of Sook Sook, he wants to stay here this weekend."

"I'll pick him up Friday after training. But... Na Jeong-ah, I wanted a girl," I whispered to her. "But Young Seon-ah... Appa's glad you're a boy too. My Appa, your Haraboji..."

"I know that he's crazy excited. 'We needed someone to carry on the family name.'" Na Jeong shook her head. "I kind of hope the baby looks like you. But not really."

"Why not?" What's wrong with looking like me?

"He'll be a heartbreaker if he resembled you," she responded. "You're a very handsome man."

"Is that right?" I joked. "How handsome?"

"Stop fishing for compliments, Joon-ah. Do you want to die?"

I stood up and leaned back down to wrap one of her arms around my neck. Her eyes widened in surprise but she did it anyway. I lifted her tenderly off the couch and started making my way to the bedroom. I kicked the door closed and gently put her down on the bed before I started unbuttoning my shirt slowly, just the way I know she likes, my eyes locked with hers.

"What are you doing?" She asked, her tongue peeking out to lick her lips.

"Well... What does it look like I'm doing? I think if I let another week pass by without making love to you, you'll start coming up with more crazy conclusions in your head," I said as I lowered myself next to her and kissed her lips. "You're a practical woman. You deal with facts and figures. So... I'll let you show me how handsome you think I am instead," I grinned when she frowned at me, "... And in return I will show you how very sexy I still think you are."

"Joon-ah..." She whispered.

"Keep saying it like that..." I whispered back. "You'll be saying it much louder soon."

"You're so cocky sometimes," she said even as she kissed me. Her soft lips met mine tenderly and my hand landed on the side of her neck. "I like it."

I looked at her face, just inches away from mine and my heart tightened inside my chest. I took in the eyes that looked at me with so much love and felt touched. I have never been a religious man, but so often now I find myself wanting to send a prayer to the powers that be for my life, this woman and our child.

"I love you, Na Jeong-ah."

"I love you more."

All words stopped as I proceeded to show my wife how much I loved her. I worshipped her with my body until she was trembling and shaking with need. When at last she cried my name out, I looked into her eyes and watched as she became undone. I let my release take over, her name on my lips, its strength and intensity leaving me breathless.

We rested for a few minutes before I loved her all over again. She looked at me incredulously at first, but willingly and enthusiastically cooperated anyway. I was glad and happy for that. After all, I have two weeks to make up.

## December 30, 2002

## 8:30 p.m.

## Na Jeong

I tried to discreetly straighten out the apartment as soon as I had persuaded Joon to go out and grab us some food. He's so paranoid that as soon as he leaves the house, I will go into labour. With the baby's birth looming so near, I decided to take the whole of December off, much to Joon's relief. In all honesty I would have preferred to use all my maternity leave after the baby was born, but Joon was so stressed out about me working such long hours and barely left me alone that I decided to give the man a break. For both our sanities.

It seems that that had been the right thing to do as I have moved on to the nesting phase of our pregnancy. Whenever I have any energy I devote it all to cleaning the house and getting the nursery ready. That's all I seem to want to do these days.

Joon still has to train every weekday at the stadium and continues to run every weekend while I walked. I see the way he looks around the house whenever he comes home and know that he worries about me working too hard, even at home. He almost had a heart attack when he came home from practice one day and found me trying to assemble the nursery furniture. His face got all red and he looked like he was about to explode. Really... Men are so strange. He continues to act like this pregnancy was a miracle of epic proportions.

He worries too much but I let him. After all, no matter how many children we end up with this will always be our first. By the time the next one comes, we will be experts, so there is a sweetness to how strange and new this experience is. Omma and Appa are very excited as well, albeit nervous. They both call me at different times of the day, always when Joon is not home and I know that he had put them up to it. Our friends do the same... And Yoon Jin and I get together a lot since she had just given birth to their daughter last month and she was still on maternity leave. I am so happy that we both got to be pregnant at the same time. It made the experience easier when I had someone who knew some answers only a phone call away. We laughed at our swollen bellies and swollen ankles while drinking apple juice and pretending it was soju.

Omonim comes over for dinner quite often and I am glad for it. It seems that her relationship with Joon is growing leaps and bounds, and I see how relaxed he is now around her and it makes me happy. But perhaps, the biggest transformation I have seen is between Joon and his Appa. With me being heavily pregnant now, we are unable to drive to Chungju, but Abonim tries to come down every other weekend to see us. He stays at his apartment in Seoul, still unoccupied since the last renter's lease had expired, whenever he's here. I love Joon's parents. The more I get to know them, the more I can see where he gets his strength and drive from. Their dynamic as a family is completely different from the dynamic in mine, but the love is the same. Though splintered and broken, there is a lot of respect and affection there still. This baby will be very lucky to be born to such grandparents. Between Joon and mine's parents, I truly feel like they represent all of our very best qualities, which I hope Joon and I will pass on to our child.

I walked to the nursery and turned the light on slowly. I noted the hospital bag on the changing table, already packed up and ready to go. The changing table had piles and piles of diapers underneath it, as well as wipes. I humoured Joon and let him buy a diaper genie, although I insisted that it was completely unnecessary. However I stayed adamant about the wipes warmer. I will not budge on that. The nursery chest of drawers were full of clothes for the baby... With so many friends, Joon's whole team, Appa's whole team and our families, we have been overwhelmed by the gifts that have come our way. Someone had even bought us a custom made baseball jersey onesie, fully embroidered with Kim on the back and Joon's number.

I traced my fingers over the bassinet, which will be moved to our bedroom when the baby is born, as well as the crib, which Joon ended up putting together in significantly less time than it would have taken me. We had painted the room in muted greens, creams and browns, and soft curtains graced the window. We had debated about the colour of the walls for a long time, with Joon wanting blue and me wanting red, but agreed that we should paint it at least something that could be used again, for our second child, which I have no doubt we will have. Joon has already prematurely childproofed the house, and I had to laugh at how detail oriented he was when it came to this.

I should have known, really, that he would take this role as seriously as he took baseball. I don't know how many times I have gotten up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night only to find him in the nursery, tightening a bolt on the rocking chair or checking the stability of all the furniture. He will be an incredible father, and I can't wait until Young Seon grows up and realizes just how lucky he is to have an Appa like Joon. I might even tell him how his father made it a point to attend all the birthing, breastfeeding and new-born care classes with me, always changing his schedule and making us his first priority. I've lost count of how many CF filmings have been rescheduled and how many interviews were refused by him because of a class.

I thought it was funny the first time he strolled in and saw that he was the only man in the class. I thought for sure he would turn back around and wait for me in the car, or offer to pick me up when I was done, but Joon being Joon just took a deep breath and sat down on the floor next to me. He endured watching birthing videos, practiced pre-natal massage on me, did breathing exercises along with the rest of the class, and encouraged all the other women there, as well. I think he quite enjoyed being the lone man in the company of all these pregnant women. I watched with affection and pride as he always greeted all the women there with kind and flattering words. It seemed that having Kim Jae Joon had an effect on all the men as well, as the next time we had class everyone's husbands and/or boyfriends were there. Now whether they were there to meet Joon or to actually learn, I wasn't entirely sure, but I know the women were grateful and happier for it. By the time we attended our last session last week, I know with certainty that Joon knows how to burp a baby properly and how to change a diaper like an expert.

I noted the pamphlets and guides that Joon had meticulously placed on a bookshelf, along with the baby book we started together. Lifting it up, I placed a hand on my lower back as I walked to the rocking chair. My back has been sore all day today. I opened the baby book to see the Polaroid pictures of me and Joon from the time we were dating to our wedding. I fingered the pictures as I allowed my mind to travel through time, sifting through our memories. There was us in the park, joking about how many children we'll have, us in San Francisco, posing in front of the Golden Gate Bridge, happy smiles lighting our faces. A picture of me at the baseball stadium in Yonsei, standing up, with Joon in the field, cupping his hands, taken by Ae Jung, who didn't walk off to the basketball court as I thought she had. A picture of us on our wedding day, both of us laughing with cake and icing on our faces.

There were many pictures of Young Seon too, from our first ultrasound pictures all through to the one we had from our appointment just a week ago. It was amazing to see how our little bean transformed into this baby, who was sucking on his thumb even in my womb. I traced a finger over his little face, his little hands and feet, and felt my throat tighten with emotion. I placed a hand tenderly on my tight belly before I spoke to our son.

"Young Seon-ah... You know that tomorrow is an auspicious day for Omma and Appa, right? Three years ago tomorrow, Appa came back and Omma fell in love with him. Two years ago, we spent New Year's Eve together for the first time as a couple. A year ago, Appa asked Omma to marry him. Are you going to follow tradition and make this year's New Year's Eve a memorable one too?" I asked him. I closed my eyes and tried to imagine our child listening to my voice and I smiled. "Come out soon, ae agi. There are a lot of people waiting for you. Especially your Appa. He says he can't wait until he meets you for the first time. You'll know him. He'll be the one looking at you like you're the only thing in this world that matters, because that's how he always looks at Omma. You'll recognize his voice, too, seeing as he talks to you all the time. So... Come out soon, hmm? Come out happily into this beautiful world and beautiful life that's waiting for you." I felt a gentle, yet persistent tightening and I knew that he was listening.

I put the baby book on the window sill, still full of empty pages to be filled in when the baby is born. I must have overworked myself today, seeing as my back is hurting more than usual. I lifted myself carefully off the chair and turned the lights back off, the light from the windows casting shadows on the baby mobile hanging over the crib. What could be taking Joon so long? I could have sworn he was just going to the snack shop a few minutes away. I wasn't really hungry though, but I am tired. I went to our bedroom in slow, measured steps and positioned the maternity pillow that Joon had bought when I started feeling the aches and pains from carrying another person inside me. I kicked off my slippers and laid on my side and closed my eyes. Just a nap, I thought, just a nap until Joon comes home.

## 11:30 p.m.

## Na Jeong

The cramping in my stomach woke me up. I looked over behind me and saw that Joon was asleep, his arms wrapped around me, his hand resting protectively over my bump. I slowly disentangled myself from his arms and toddled to the bathroom, wondering if I've eaten something bad today. After I was unsuccessful, I rubbed my belly as I drank a glass of water in the kitchen. It wasn't until I looked down that I realized that my water had broken. I ran through the list of things that needed to happen now and sat down on one of the chairs at the kitchen table, being careful not to slip and fall.

I should wake Joon up, I thought. Maybe in a little while. Let me just time my contractions first. The second contraction came a little more than fifteen minutes after the first one, and I knew that we had time. I continued to walk and pace the kitchen, debating when to wake Joon up. He'll kill me if he misses any of this. Finally I decided to just bite the bullet and let him know. I walked back to the bedroom and gave him a gentle nudge.

"Yeobo," I said gently as I kissed his nose. "Yeobo..."

"Hmm?" He murmured sleepily.

"Yeobo... I think the baby's coming," I said and Joon shot up, to a full sitting position in bed. I had only just stood up from the bed when he got up as well and spoke.

"Na Jeong-ah... It's going to be fine," he said and I raised my eyebrows as I watched him pull a pair of sweatpants on and a shirt. He was walking quickly around the room, talking to himself, and occasionally turning to me to tell me again that it was all indeed, going to be fine. After the third time, I slowly walked to the bathroom with a towel in my hand.

"Where are you going?" He asked when he saw me waddling off.

"I'm going to take a shower," I said to him.

"But... But the baby's coming!" I heard the panic in his voice and smiled.

"Joon-ah... The baby's coming, but not at this exact minute." When he looked like he was about to protest, I added, "I have to shave my legs."

"WHAT? Yeobo, no one will care about your legs," he said.

"I care about my legs. I'm the one who's going to have them open to have this baby and if I want smooth legs, I should have it. I don't want to be judged."

"Who's going to judge you?"

"ME," I responded. "Just because I'll be someone's mother doesn't mean I can stop taking care of myself. Besides, the contractions aren't even coming that frequently yet. We have plenty of time. First babies take a notoriously long time to be born."

I walked in the direction of the bathroom before he can even protest. I had just stepped into the stream when he joined me.

"Joon-ah... No monkey business," I warned as I perused his naked body. "That's how we got here to begin with."

"You're the one always thinking about that," he whispered. "I'm just here to help you shave your legs. Na Jeong-ah... How will you shave your legs if you can't even see your feet?"

"Very, very carefully," I answered with a laugh.

We took a shower together, with him shaving my legs, as he promised. I washed his back in return. By the time we were done, I dressed myself in loose fitting pants and a blouse, knowing that I will be asked to change into a hospital gown as soon as we got there. Joon also got dressed in some casual clothes before placing a baseball cap over his head. I sipped on some water, careful not to drink anything with too much sugar in it, as I continued to pace the length of the apartment. I watched as my husband ran around like a chicken with his head cut off, gathering the hospital bag and various baby books. Thankfully after a few minutes, he relaxed some and managed to mop up the kitchen floor and even sat down on the couch with the television on low as he waited for my instructions.

When the contractions increased and I was able to feel them every ten minutes, I told Joon that it was time for us to go to the hospital. Suddenly that frantic look was back in his eyes again and I shook my head. Is he the one about to give birth or am I? I was still wondering this when he turned the television off and walked out of the apartment, hospital bag in his arm and closed the door behind him without saying a word to me. I stared at the door incredulously for a few minutes as I sat myself back down at the kitchen table. All of our family and friends will never believe me if I told them that Joon had forgotten me, the mother of his unborn child, at home, so panicked he was about getting to the hospital in time for ME to give birth... Aigoo...

I calmly flipped the magazine open even as I pulled out my phone from my bag. I looked up at the clock and noted the time. 12:57 a.m. I wonder how many minutes it will take Joon to figure out that the most important component of this whole situation is still at home. I don't think that he would start driving before he realizes this, would he? But then again, I never thought he would forget me, either.

I dialled Omma's number and released a breath when she answered.

"Omma?" I said softly.

"Na Jeong-ah! Why are you calling at this time of the night? Don't tell me..." I heard Appa's booming voice in the background as he yelled out, "Is it time? Is it time?" even as Omma tried to calm him down.

"Omma, the baby's coming," I said. "I'm having contractions every ten minutes."

"We'll meet you guys at the hospital. I should leave Sook Sook at the neighbours', right? It might take you a long time since it's your first baby."

"Nah... If Sook Sook wants to come, let him," I said. "He shouldn't be left out at a time like this. Besides, I'm sure there will be plenty of people who will watch him there."

"Where's Joon?" Appa asked. "Is he okay?"

"APPA!!! I'm the one who's about to go into labour, why are you asking about him? He's fine," I responded. "Or I'm assuming he is, seeing as he just walked out the door and left me here without even turning back."

"WHAT??? Aishhhh... He dared to forget my daughter... Let me go call him," Appa said.

"Appa, don't," I responded. "I'm sure he'll realize it soon enough. After all you can't have the baby without the mother."

"What are you going to do?" he asked.

"Oh... I'm just going to sit here and wait patiently for my husband." I continued to read the article in front of me. "We'll see you guys soon."

## December 31, 2002

## 1:05 a.m.

## Jae Joon

I'm forgetting something.

I emptied the hospital bag in the trunk of the car and checked all the items off. Na Jeong's robe, check. A nightgown and a pair of slippers, check. A pillow, check. Shampoo, conditioner, toothbrush, toothpaste, and body wash, check. Nursing bras and underwear, check check. A book on new-born care, check. A going home outfit for the baby, check. A receiving blanket, check. I should know the content of this bag by heart since I was there when Na Jeong was packing it, and I have since then checked it many many times over.

My eyes wandered to the car seat I installed a week ago and crossed that off my list, too.

Maybe something in my overnight bag? I pulled it out of the footwell of the backseat and perused everything I packed. This bag has been a permanent fixture in my car for a few weeks. I think I packed this even before Na Jeong packed her bag. A change of clothes and toiletries, an extra cell phone charger, a pair of slippers. All there. I had even surreptitiously dropped a camera in the bag, with clear instructions from Na Jeong that if I dared take any pictures of her during labour, I can forget sleeping with her ever again.

I pulled my phone out to send a mass text to all our friends, asking them to meet us in the hospital if they're able, but not to worry if they're not. I dialled Omma's phone without hesitation and left a message on her voicemail. Next I dialled Appa's number and breathed a sigh of relief when he answered, his voice thick with sleep.

"Appa, it's Joon," I said. "The baby's coming."

"Joon-ah, congratulations in advance on becoming an Appa." He emphasized the word with a smile in his voice and I grinned even as I teared up. "I'll drive up this weekend to see you two and the newest member of our family. Joon-ah, pass the phone to Na Jeong, will you? I want to speak to my daughter-in-law."

"Sure, Appa, hang on... SHIT!" I exclaimed as I realized that I forgot my wife in the apartment. I ran back to the building even as my father kept asking me what was wrong. "Appa... Shit... I forgot Na Jeong."

"WHAT?" He asked and started laughing. "Calm down, Joon-ah."

"I'm trying, Appa, hang on..." I was just about to get into the elevator when I realized that I left the car doors all opened and unlocked. Shaking my head at myself, I ran back to the car as quickly as possible before going back to the apartment. "Appa... I have to go. Na Jeong will be pissed."

"Joon-ah... It will be okay," Appa reassured me. "Just get your wife to the hospital safely, okay? Have Na Jeong call me whenever she can."

"Okay, Appa, I'm going." I hung up the phone quickly as I walked towards the apartment.

I entered the code quickly and opened the door to see my wife at the kitchen table, calmly reading a magazine and munching on some ice chips. She looked at me with one eyebrow raised and a smirk on her beautiful face.

"So you remembered?" She asked, her eyes sparkling with mirth.

"Sorry, yeobo... Sorry," I said. "I lost my head for a minute."

"It's okay, Joon-ah... It only took you eight..." Her eyes closed as another contraction descended upon her, and she tried to breathe through the pain. "It only... Took... You... Eight... Minutes... To... Come... Back..."

I watched in concern and wondered if this was normal. As if reading my mind, she said, "Joon-ah, you look like you're the one in labour. Don't worry... Of course I'll be in pain. There's a person trying to... OWWWW," she said as she doubled in pain. The knuckles on her delicate hands were so white from gripping the table so tightly. "There's a person trying to come out of me... Of course it's going to hurt, right?" She gave me a brave smile as the contraction eased up. She reached a hand out to me and I rushed to her side. "Help me up, yeobo, please. The contractions are coming faster, now. I don't think this baby wants to wait much longer."

I helped her up off the chair and wondered if I should carry her to the car.

"Do you need me to carry you to the car?" I asked Na Jeong.

"I'm in labour, not an invalid," she retorted back. "I still have full use of my legs."

I followed her as she walked slowly out of the apartment, one hand against the length of the wall, her mouth blowing slow breaths, just as we were taught to do in class. I don't know if I will survive this... I'm already exhausted and we haven't even left the house yet. She continued her breathing as she got into the car, and still as I drove more slowly than I have ever driven in my life. I felt her eyes studying me and turned to look at her.

"Joon-ah... Is there a reason why you're driving like it's your first time driving?" she asked.

"I have precious cargo in the car," I said. I tried to focus on the road even as she continued to glare.

"We have to get to the hospital for your precious cargo to be born, Joon-ah. I'm not giving birth in the car," she said.

"I meant you, but okay."

Now that I have her approval, I stepped my foot on the accelerator and didn't let up on my speed until we were at the hospital entrance, where Binggrae was already waiting with a wheelchair.

"Thank God you're working tonight," I said to him as I opened my door. I opened Na Jeong's door and helped her onto the wheelchair. "Bing... You can go ahead and bring her in. I'll grab the car and park our stuff... I mean... Park the car and grab our stuff."

"Here's her room number," he said as he shook his head in amusement and handed me a piece of paper. "She's already pre-registered and it's a birthing room, so you won't have to change rooms for the labour. Hurry back, Appa."

"Joon-ah," Na Jeong said, and for the first time today I heard the nervousness in her voice.

I bent down to place a kiss on her lips. "Yeobo... I'll just be a minute. I'll be right back. Bing will take you to your room, and you can get settled in, okay?" She nodded at me with wide eyes. "I love you... It's going to be okay."

I nodded at Bing, and he turned the wheelchair around to bring Na Jeong to her room. She turned back to me one more time and I swallowed the lump in my throat as I got back into the car to park it. Once done, I quickly grabbed our bags and walked quickly through the lobby of the hospital and into the elevators to go to Na Jeong's room.

By the time I entered her room, she was already in a hospital gown, sitting serenely on the bed, still deep breathing. Her face lit up as soon as she saw my face and I pulled a chair over so that I can sit next to her.

"You okay?" I asked, noting the paleness in her cheeks.

"Yeah... I'm okay. A little nervous, but I'm okay. I'm glad I wasn't giving birth while you were away."

"Yeah, me too..."

Our conversation was interrupted when Dr. Noh entered the room, wearing scrubs and a scrub cap.

"Sung Na Jeong-ssi, Kim Jae Joon-ssi, it seems that your baby is on his way," she said. "Your parents just got here, as well as some of your friends. I told them to stay in the waiting room as I examined you, and I'll let you all know how much time we have before the littlest Kim will enter this world." She winked at Na Jeong as she took her hand in hers. "Omma... I'm going to have you lie down flat and put your feet up in these stirrups, okay? Not unlike how we did at the office a week ago."

Na Jeong nodded and laid down, even as I continued to hold her hand. She lifted her legs up onto the support that the doctor pulled out from underneath the bed. I continued to watch her face as the doctor examined her.

"Na Jeong-ssi, how long ago did the contractions start?"

"Maybe... Uhmm... Maybe a couple of hours ago?" Na Jeong responded. "I had fallen asleep and it woke me up."

"I think... I think you've been in labour for most of the day... Have you had more back pain today than normal?" she asked.

"Yes, but it was hard to tell with my herniated back and everything," Na Jeong said slowly. "I thought it was normal."

"Well... You're completely dilated and the baby's crowning," Dr. Noh said from between Na Jeong's legs. "How far apart are her contractions?"

The nurse at Na Jeong's bedside examined the strips coming from the machine attached to Na Jeong and said, "Every 4 to 5 minutes, Doctor."

"It seems you two got here just in time. If you waited any longer, this baby would have been born at home or in the car," Dr. Noh said with a smile. "Na Jeong-ssi, when the next contraction comes, I'm going to need you to start pushing. Unfortunately I can't even offer you an epidural. I'm afraid it's a bit late for that."

Na Jeong nodded as she gripped my hand. Her breathing accelerated and even I knew that a contraction was coming. She tried to breathe through it, her face sweating from the effort of not screaming out loud.

"Yeobo... It's okay," I said softly. "You can grip my hand as tightly as you need to, okay? You can scream too, if you want."

She nodded and looked into my eyes. When the contraction started again, she gripped my hand so tightly I thought my wedding ring was going to dig a crater onto my finger, as I tried not to show how painful it was.

"I hate you, Kim Jae Joon," she muttered darkly as she glared at me through the contraction. I withered from her gaze and felt like apologizing a million times over. "This hurts. I HATE YOU!"

I cringed even as the nurses exchanged knowing smiles. It seems they have heard all this before.

"I love you. But that's okay. You can hate me... You can hate me forever. I'm sorry, yeobo. It won't happen again," I said.

The contraction eased up and she loosened her grip on me. She pressed a kiss on my lips and said, "I'm sorry, Joon-ah. I didn't mean it. I love you a lot. You know that, right?"

I nodded and waited for the next contraction. I placed my hands under the bed and placed my wedding ring onto my right hand, just in case she continues to grasp my hand like it was a lifeline. The next contraction started again soon thereafter and Na Jeong continued to declare that I was the worst man in the world and how much she hated me and how she'll never ever let me touch her again, only to be told when the contraction stopped that she didn't mean any of it and that she does indeed love me still.

After the fifth go round, the doctor told us that she can see the baby's shoulder, and Na Jeong's next contraction eased the baby's shoulders out. The next few minutes were frantic as Na Jeong continued to push and yell expletives that would make any man blush. I was even afraid at one point that she would punch me.

To be honest, I never thought when we found out that we were pregnant what birthing actually entailed and how intense it all was. I watched my wife in wonder, and marvelled at her strength. I could never do this. No man could. Women are amazing creatures. As I stayed by her side as she gave birth to our son, I felt myself falling more and more in love with her as she battled the pain in characteristic Na Jeong fashion. My wife is magnificent.

I was still thinking about this when the doctor proclaimed that the baby was out, and I looked down to see her place our son onto Na Jeong's chest. Even as Na Jeong held the baby, I could do nothing but stare at them both in shock. Emotions uncurled in my chest and I felt tears spring to my eyes as I saw our baby for the first time.

"Appa," Dr. Noh said as she smiled at me and offered a pair of surgical scissors. "Would you like to cut your son's cord?"

I shakily took the pair of scissors as she guided my gloved hands to where I should cut. Even though they were still shaking, I managed to perform this simple task and I looked to see Na Jeong hand the baby to the nurses.

"Where... Where are you taking him?" I asked hoarsely.

"We're just going to get him cleaned up," the nurse holding our son said.

I watched as they carried him to a nursery cot and proceeded to wipe him down and clean him up. Within a few minutes, I heard the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life, rivalling only Na Jeong's voice as she told me she loved me for the first time.

I heard our baby cry.

Within a few minutes, Na Jeong had been cleaned up and dressed in a fresh nightgown, her hair combed down and looking more peaceful than I have ever seen her. She held Young Seon in her arms and smiled at me as I kissed both their foreheads.

"Na Jeong-ah... You were... Amazing," I said. And I meant it. She was. "I love you."

"I love you, too. You didn't do too badly either, Appa," she responded. "Would you like to meet your son?"

I nodded silently and held my arms out as I have learned to do from the classes we took, and Na Jeong placed him gently in my arms.

He's so light, I thought. So, so little and so light. I sat down on the chair as I gazed at our child, quietly counting his fingers and toes. I started getting choked up as I perused his perfect nose and his perfect mouth, laying still in slumber. I breathed him in and lifted my eyes to see Na Jeong watching me, tears openly running down her face. I felt tears fall down from my own eyes, but didn't bother hiding them or wiping them away.

"Welcome to the world, Kim Young Seon," I whispered. "I don't even know you yet, but I already love you. I know your Omma loves you so much, too. Do you know who I am? I'm your Appa." It's New Year's Eve... Uri Young Seon is born on New Year's Eve... "Uri Young Seon really lives up to his name even at birth. Thanks for being born on this special day. You are our gift... Our special gift... New Year's Eve will always be the best day for us."

I lowered a finger towards his little hand and fell even deeper in love when his tiny fingers all wrapped around one of mine. I've had this feeling before... The first time I held a baseball in my hand... The first time Na Jeong placed her hand in mine. My life has come full circle. Appa. Another title to add to the roles that made up my life and who I am.

I owe Na Jeong for a lot but this takes the cake. She had carried our child with grace and strength, and without her this relationship would not have been possible.

I was still holding our son when the door opened and everyone came piling in, armed with vases and baskets of flowers and balloons. Jung Gook Hyung was even holding a giant stuffed dog. Omma gave me an embrace as Na Jeong's parents rushed to her side. Her Appa met my eyes over her head as he nodded at me with a smile. Sook Sook peered into my arms curiously, and started cooing when he saw the baby's face.

Our friends surrounded me and the baby, and pretty soon I was handing the baby over to Na Jeong's Omma. It's safe to say that this baby will be held by more people than any baby has ever been in the first few minutes of his life. Everyone was here. Everyone showed up, to be present for our baby's birth, just as they had been for our wedding, just as they had been all the steps of Na Jeong and my journey, together and apart. My heart filled with so much happiness I felt overwhelmed.

I met my wife's eyes over all the people and as it always did, the world disappeared and returned, transformed again into a more beautiful place. A place where we would raise our child.

She mouthed the words 'I love you' to me and I mouthed it right back. It's been a long and sometimes, painful journey, but it's how we got here. Would I do it all over again? The same exact way? That answer remained the same, as it has been for the last few years.

For this moment? Of course.

For this love? Absolutely.

"Joon-ah," I heard the loveliest voice call out to me. "I'm hungry."

I chuckled in response. I should have predicted it would be so.

"What do you want to eat?" I played along. "Ddukbokki?"

She nodded and a dazzling smile came over her face, the same smile that captured my heart eight years ago, and still holds it captive more tightly now than it ever did.

"Of course. There is nothing else I would want," she replied with a wink and I knew she wasn't just talking about ddukbokki anymore.

Me neither, my love. Me neither.

# EPILOGUE

## September 12, 2007

## 6:40 p.m.

## Na Jeong

"Young Seon-ah... How did school go today?" I heard Joon ask.

I looked behind me as I dished up the stew that had been simmering on the stove. Smiling to myself, I watched as Young Seon furrowed his eyebrows as he thought of how he will answer his Appa's question. I walked over to the table with the bowl to see him nibbling on a chopstick.

"Seon-ie... Don't do that. You've just lost a tooth, do you want to lose another?" I asked him as I pulled a chair out and sat down.

"You've lost a tooth?" Joon asked as he placed a spoon in his mouth. "When did that happen?"

"I woke up this morning to find your son standing at the side of the bed saying, 'Omma, look!' and holding a tooth up," I answered as I tasted the stew. Closing my eyes in pleasure, perfect, I thought. "It's the first one," I said softly before ruffling our son's hair. "Uri Seon-ie is growing up too fast."

"Appa... Do you want to see it?" Young Seon asked, getting up from his chair. "I have it under my pillow..."

"Ahh... Seon-ie... I don't really think Appa wants to see that while he's eating," I said, trying not to cringe.

Joon was chuckling before he responded. "Yeah, Seon-ah... You can show me tomorrow huh?"

Young Seon nodded as he bit into some kimchi. "Appa..." He started as he chewed slowly. "We started learning the alphabet today."

He tried to manoeuvre his chopsticks to eat some rice and I had to stop myself from awwing he looked so cute with his brows drawn in concentration. After a few minutes devoted to focusing on using his chopsticks and seemingly out of nowhere, he started singing the alphabet song he learned in school and I listened at first, nodding my head to the song that we all learned when we were young before I started singing as well. After sitting quietly for a few minutes Joon soon joined in and we were all singing. As the song winded down, I thought to myself how I would have scoffed if someone had told me in 1994 that in thirteen years I would be sitting in the kitchen of our apartment, married to Joon and singing nursery rhymes with our son. Our first son.

A clanging noise to my left distracted me and saw our second son banging his plastic spoon on his high chair.

"Young Min-ah... Are you trying to join in?" Joon asked. "Wow," he continued with a smile, "Our sons are so clever." He made some cooing noises and Min gurgled happily at the faces Joon made.

Pushing the laptop a little further from Min's reach and before he spills the content of his sippycup onto the keyboard, I watched as my husband lifted a Styrofoam cup to his mouth on the monitor.

"Do you not have real plates and bowls? Why are professional baseball players eating from takeout containers?" I asked irritated.

"You know this is the life we lead when we are on the road, yeobo. Easier clean-up this way... No washing up and just chuck everything in the trash can when we're done." Joon grinned at the web camera before pushing it down so we can see what he's eating. I shook my head as he showed what looked like some kimchi jigae and some rice, along with some soju.

"AISH! Men left to their own devices and they revert back to teenagers," I exclaimed and Joon's handsome face broke into a smile before he realized what he was doing and adopted a more stern expression.

"AISH!" Min said and Seon's eyes, my eyes, looked quickly at me in alarm. Min, as if liking the sound of the word, kept repeating himself as he banged on his high chair with conviction. "Aish! Aish!"

"Omma... I thought you said we're not allowed to say that word," Seon said thoughtfully as he drank some water. "Omma... Isn't that a bad word?"

"Yes, Young Seon-ah," Joon responded smoothly, giving me a wink. "It's a bad word."

"Uh-oh," Seon said. "Min said something bad."

"Seon-ie... Omma was just teaching you both that you can't REALLY say that," I muttered. Kids are so smart. They just follow anything and everything you say.

"But Omma... You said it first," he countered as he ate some soup. "Omma, I like this."

"Young Seon-ah... Omma was just demonstrating words that you shouldn't say."

"What does demonstrate mean?" He asked.

"Ahh... Demonstrate means to... Demonstrate. You know what, just keep eating," I said as Joon continued to eat while trying not to laugh. I saw someone walk past behind him for the third time and narrowed my eyes.

"Joon-ah... I know you said you're not pitching tomorrow, but don't be spending all night drinking with Appa," I warned him.

Before Joon can respond, Appa had pushed him out of the way and was glaring into the camera. He was still wearing his coaching uniform, his Twins jacket and his baseball cap.

"Oe Haraboji!" Seon said happily when he saw my Appa.

"'Boji!!!" Min echoed and Appa smiled at them both before frowning at me again.

"Sung Na Jeong... Don't boss uri Joon around, huh?" He said in a low voice. "Haven't I been looking after him for the last four years? When have we ever been that drunk that you had to come and help us?"

"Oh, Appa, I don't know, how about when I found you two passed out at a noraebang in Incheon, or I walked into the two of you sleeping at the reception of the hotel in Busan, or..."

"Fine, fine," Appa said reluctantly as he stood back up and swung the camera back Joon's way. "But when have we ever gotten in trouble BEFORE a game?"

I had to give that to him. Appa keeps Joon focused on all the weeks that they are on the road. Those nights are not the nights I worry about... It's the last night before coming home that Appa seems to get out of control. I saw Appa pat Joon's back before he walked away.

"Joon-ah, don't stay up too late, huh?" I heard Appa say.

"Coach-nim... I'll be off in a couple of hours," Joon responded with a smile. "Don't frown at me like that. This is how we've been doing it for years, Coach. I have to help Seon with his homework and then I have to read him his story and then I get to speak to uri Na Jeong-ie. This is what we do at home, so this is what we do when I'm away. Are you going to make fun..."

Joon's voice trailed off as I listened to him speak and I couldn't help but smile. We just celebrated our five year wedding anniversary a month ago, but it seems just like yesterday that we got married. It's been almost eight years since he came back to the boarding house from Japan. It's been six years since San Francisco. How is it that so much has happened since then, and yet it still feels like time hasn't passed at all?

Our second child was making a commotion again, in protest of the fact that he's just finished his food and I was reminded quite abruptly that things have, indeed, changed. Tearing up some more chicken to place on Min's plate, it took me a few minutes before I could resume eating as well. We all carried on with our meal, with Seon filling the silence with all sorts of conversation topics, from what he wore today and what he ate at lunch. To his credit Joon listened closely even though he looked exhausted and asked questions, seeing that I was distracted making sure Min didn't choke on anything.

When at last dinner was done, I cleared up the table and had Young Seon sit in the living room, still chatting animatedly with his Appa while I bathed Min, only 18 months old. I am not really sure how it happened, but we had been able to time our children's births to when Joon happened to be off season. Perfect timing. I won't examine more closely why we seem to conceive very quickly on his off season as well.

Leaving the bathroom door open so I can listen to Seon laughing at something along with Joon, I finished washing the baby quickly and carried him to our bedroom, where I liked to keep his crib when Joon is away. He was still wide awake, though he was sucking on his pacifier contentedly. As soon as I put him down on his cot, however, his lips started trembling and I counted to three in my head. 3... 2... The loudest wail emerged from Min's mouth and I cringed.

He always does this when Joon is not here. The crying is not anywhere as loud and the drama nowhere as long when his Appa is the one putting him in bed. Joon has never admitted to anything, but I have a feeling there is a bit of bribing involved. I tried to stay tough, but my heart clenched as he continued to look at me like I was breaking his heart, and I weakened. I picked the baby back up and he quieted almost immediately and gave me a toothy grin. He only had a total of six teeth, and he looked like a tiny, baby version of Joon. Though both the boys favoured their father strongly, Seon inherited my eyes, and Min had his Appa's brown eyes.

"Aigoo, Min-ie, what's the matter?' I asked softly as I sat down on the rocking chair that we used when Seon had been a baby and now positioned by the bedroom windows.

With only the light from one lamp, I relaxed against the back of the chair and started rocking back and forth, back and forth. He rested his head on my chest and started playing with a lock of hair that has fallen out of my braid. I savoured his baby smells and sighed. It didn't seem like five years ago that Seon was this small, and now he's begun losing his baby teeth already. I gazed at our youngest son and saw how he had his eyes fixed on my face. My heart was filled with so much love I felt my eyes tearing up. The pacifier in his mouth fell out but he didn't cry.

"Omma," he said sleepily and I kissed his nose.

"Yes, our clever boy... Omma is right here," I said, wrapping my arms more tightly around him. His eyes closed for one minute before he opened them again, albeit reluctantly. I brushed a hand over feather soft hair and I saw how he was struggling to keep his eyes open. "Sleep, Min-ah... Do you want Omma to sing to you?" I asked him softly.

He looked at me owlishly, as if thinking about something important.

"Omma..." He repeated and I was about to ask what the matter was when he frowned. "Appa? Appa?'

"Ahhh... Is that what this is about?" I asked as I held him more closely. "You're waiting for Appa to come home?" He nodded slowly. "Appa is not coming home tonight. He'll be home in two nights."

His eyes filled with tears and I watched helplessly as he rubbed his eyes with his fists. I know it's not just Joon being gone that's upsetting him. He is thoroughly exhausted from fighting sleep all this time. But still, I should have known, really. Seon went through this stage as well. I knew when I was marrying Joon that we will have to make sacrifices as a couple, but I didn't think that the kids would be this affected also.

I'm sure that Min will get over it, in time, just like his older brother did. It still hurts though, to see him cry like this every night that Joon is not home. We can't really do anything about that at the moment, so I did what I could in the meantime. I started singing the Butterfly Song to him softly, and I hoped that he understood what I had told him. I continued to rock slowly and kept him in my arms until he fell asleep.

## Jae Joon

"One day the man had no choice but to cross over the hill. The day was fine and the sun was shining as he started to head up Three Years Hill. His journey went smoothly until he had nearly reached the top. He was enjoying the birdsong from the trees nearby and the gentle breeze in the air, when suddenly a fluffy brown rabbit jumped across in his path."

I looked up from the book to see that Young Seon had already fallen asleep with his own copy of the book still open on his lap. I studied his dark hair, his face exactly like mine had been at his age, with Na Jeong's eyes. Curious and personable, he already had the social skills of a politician, with the negotiating talents of a lawyer. Awake he's unabashedly intelligent, asking question after question, talking about every subject under the sun. But in sleep, he looked just like every other little boy in his innocence. His face was peaceful in slumber, and it brought a smile to my own. I continued to read, just in case he realized that I stopped and woke himself up.

"Caught off-guard by the hopping hare, the old man stumbled and fell, tumbling head over foot and foot overhead all the way down to the bottom of the hill."

As I reached the end of this part of the story, I glimpsed a shadow fall over his sleeping figure and knew that Na Jeong had entered the room. I wondered if the baby gave her a hard time again today. She's usually in Seon's bedroom before I even start the story at night. I watched as my wife picked up the book on our son's lap and closed it shut before putting it on the table. She pressed a kiss to his forehead and tucked his covers around him more tightly with a gentle smile.

"Na Jeong-ah... Is everything..." I began before she silenced me with a finger to her lips.

"Shhh... Wait one second, yeobo..." She said and the image on the computer changed as she picked up the laptop to bring it to our bedroom, where she plugged it back up and set it down on the table next to our bed. I leaned back against the headboard of the bed and watched quietly as she began her night-time ritual of putting her face cream on and brushing out her hair, now just past her shoulders.

My wife does this every night, whether we are together or apart, and I quite enjoy watching her perform this mundane task. When she was done, she laid herself down on the bed on her side, her lovely face illuminated only by the soft light from the lamp on our bedside table, and smiled at me. I noted her fatigue but that did nothing to disguise the twinkle her eyes.

My beautiful Na Jeong, I thought, as a familiar throb started in my heart. With us just having celebrated our fifth year wedding anniversary you would think that the feelings would have abated, or at the very least dulled by now. But they hadn't. Instead they have only intensified year after year, and still continue to strengthen with each day. I traced her face on the monitor with my fingers and saw that she was looking at my image on her end just as intently.

"How was your day?" I asked, my fingers lingering on the monitor screen over her cheek. My hands hold the memory of the softness of her skin and not for the first time in the last two weeks that our team has been on the road, I yearned to be home. With her and our boys.

"It was okay, " she answered softly as she placed her forearm under her pillow to support her neck better. "I had to stay a little later for work and Omma had something to do this afternoon. Omonim offered to keep Seon and Min until I got out of work so I just had to swing by over there after to pick them up." She blew a breath before continuing. "Joon-ah... We're going to need new tires by the winter. The tread is getting a bit worn out. Oh... And I think we'll need a new car seat for Min soon. He's outgrowing the one in the car now."

"I got it." I smiled at her as she lifted a cover over one shoulder. "Should we do that this weekend?"

"We can. We're still driving to Masan on Saturday?" She asked and I nodded. "We don't have to if you're exhausted. You've been on the road..."

"Yah, we never miss our monthly visit to Hoon Hyung," I said gently. "Plus the boys love visiting the family in Masan. But... if you're tired..."

"I'm good," she responded. "Seon's class is having this recital thing on Friday so I'm only working half day."

My heart squeezed at the thought of another missed parent function and Na Jeong, as if knowing what would be going through my mind, lifted a hand towards the screen, as if to touch my face.

"Yeobo... I'll take lots of pictures. Maybe even record them. Don't worry. It'll be as if you're there," she told me reassuringly. "Seon knows you would be there if you could."

"Does he, though?" I asked, genuinely concerned. "It didn't seem so long ago that we were just bringing him home from the hospital and now he's in school. I still remember when he was teething and now his baby teeth are coming off. Time is moving too fast, yeobo." I ran a hand through my hair. "Too fast for me."

"You'll be okay. Min is still young. There's lots of years before he'll start going to school, Appa," she teased. "I swear, sometimes you're worse than me."

Her eyes closed for a minute before she opened them again and looked at me. There was so much love in her gaze that my heart ached so tightly inside my chest and my throat tightened. Thirteen years later and she still takes my breath away.

"I miss you," she said. "I miss you a lot. It's silly, right? We've been doing this for years. But I still miss you every time. You spoil me too much. It makes you not being home harder than it should be."

"I miss you too. I miss your cooking. Nothing tastes right anymore," I said. "And I miss being woken up by Seon or Min. I miss all those things. Every day. Every second. I wish we didn't have to play this past weekend, then I could have come home."

"I know," she said with a gentle shrug. "My husband's a baseball player. We all live by the season calendar." Na Jeong paused before continuing. "Min was asking for you again."

I closed my eyes and imagined our second son, with his dark brown eyes, my eyes, looking happily at me. He's a good baby, with gut busting giggles that never fail to make me laugh. Whereas Seon is sociable and extroverted, Min, even at this age, seems a little shyer.

"How long did it take this time?" I asked. I know that he doesn't settle down as well when I'm not home.

"An hour. A full hour," Na Jeong said with a laugh. "Who knew a baby can hold out that long? Oh yeah... I was bathing him earlier and he saw himself in the mirror and pointed to the image and said, clear as day, 'Min' then pointed to my reflection and said, 'Omma.'"

"Keep talking, yeobo. I just have to get my stuff ready for tomorrow. He's already doing that?" I said as I got up from the bed to take my uniform for tomorrow's game out of my suitcase. I had just lifted the last clean set when I saw what was underneath. It was a drawing, much like the one Sook Sook drew years ago, of our family. Except now it didn't say Hyung under my name but Appa. He drew my parents and Na Jeong's parents and Hoon Hyung as well. I brought the drawing back to the bed and lifted it up to the camera. "Did you sneak this in my suitcase when you packed it last week?"

"You just found it, then. I quite liked it. Your son did a great job, right?"

"He's a great kid," I said. "We make good babies."

Na Jeong chuckled before fixing her eyes back at me. "Joon-ah... I went to the doctor earlier today. That's why I had to stay later for work... Because I took an extended lunch break." I saw her take a deep breath before she spoke. "I'm eight weeks pregnant. Dr. Noh says the third Kim will be arriving in April."

Happiness unfurled inside me as she broke out into a wide smile. We stayed silently looking at each other goofily as we both digested the news.

"I already kind of knew," I finally said and watched her eyes widen in surprise. "I know my wife. And you haven't eaten ddukbokki in weeks. But the morning sickness is not so bad this time around, though."

"Dr. Noh said every pregnancy is different... Or I'm just getting the hang of it. She asked me jokingly if we're trying to repopulate Korea," she chuckled as she shook her head. "You know her son, the one she introduced you to? He's about to go to Yonsei on a baseball scholarship. She says he still idolizes you. He hasn't forgotten the day that you saw him play and gave him tips on pitching. You're a great man, Kim Jae Joon-ssi, and I'm very very happy and very proud to be your wife."

"That's great to know. I'll have to call him when I get back in Seoul." I watched as she nodded thoughtfully. "We're having another baby. I can't believe it. Every time, it hits me right here." I pointed to my heart and Na Jeong smiled at me tenderly. "I feel so blessed."

"Let's hear you say that when three kids all under the age of ten wake you up in the middle of the night for this and that," she said laughingly. "We'll have to sit down and figure out a strategy before the baby comes. Since this one will be born right in your season, and Seon will be in school too. I might have to start working part time once my maternity leave is finished."

"About that," I said slowly and I saw the way her eyes guarded. We have discussed her stopping working altogether, but I knew she liked her job and it gave her a sense of accomplishment. I worried now that she may think I'm going to try to talk her into becoming a full time mom. "I have something to tell you..."

I watched her listen with concern etched in her features and my heart warmed. Like I said, I know my wife. I can predict what words will come out of that pretty mouth before she even says it.

As I told her about what I was thinking about, her eyes opened quickly in astonishment and I saw the way they instantly glazed over with tears. She bit her bottom lip and looked like she was struggling to find words to say. I listened as she spoke calmly and gently, such a far cry from the Na Jeong that I met thirteen years ago, but strangely still the same exact woman. She only grows more graceful and beautiful over the years, and every day I am still surprised that she chose to spend her life with me. Her voice slowed and I knew she was trying to keep her eyes open. I looked at the clock and saw that it was already 10 o clock. Quite late for a household, now that we have two young children.

"Yeobo... I'll call you tomorrow when we get back to the hotel. Go to sleep."

"You go to sleep too. Have a good game tomorrow. I would wish you luck but I know you don't need it," she said lightly. "You and that arm of yours don't need luck."

"That's true... I already have my lucky charm and she's sleeping in our bed. I'll call tomorrow night," I answered. "Good night, Na Jeong-ah. I love you."

She opened her eyes long enough to reply. "I love you more, Kim Jae Joon. Good night."

She puckered her lips and blew me a kiss and I did the same. After debating some more about who will close the screen first I finally won and she finally conceded, albeit reluctantly.

I turned the lamp off and laid flat on my back and looked at the ceiling. Just another hotel room in another city. My heart knew where it wanted to be. The last time I followed it led me to more joy than I have ever imagined. I will trust it again as it leads me to the next part of my life. It wasn't long until I fell asleep with a smile on my face, and to thoughts of my wife and our children. Like I do almost every night.

## November 17, 2007

## 8:30 a.m.

## Na Jeong

The day started out like it usually did. When I woke up at 8 a.m. Min was already standing in his crib, waiting patiently for one of us to wake up. Seon was already up as well, watching cartoons in the living room quietly. Joon was still asleep, and the boys and I tried to be quiet as I got breakfast ready. Let him sleep, I thought. It's going to be a big day today.

I had just placed some dry cereal on Min's plate and a bowl of rice in front of Seon and had just sat down with my coffee cup when Joon walked out of our bedroom. He went straight to the bathroom without a word and I heard the shower running. Seon looked at me curiously but stayed quiet and started eating breakfast. Min, too young to know what was going on, happily nibbled on his cereal.

"Omma," Seon finally said. "Appa has his game today, right?"

I ruffled his hair before responding. "Yes. We have to go pick up Oe Halmoni before we go there later. Don't you remember? All your Eemo and Samchon are going to be there.  
They're all meeting us in front of the stadium."

"Omma... Are Haraboji and Halmoni coming too?" He asked, chewing on a piece carefully.

"Seon-ie, you know they are. You spoke to Haraboji last night, didn't you? He's already in Seoul," I told him. I had just opened up the paper to read when I heard Seon clear his throat and I looked over at him. I am not entirely sure when he picked up this habit from Joon, but I have been noticing that he's more and more like his father in his mannerisms every day. I narrowed my eyes when he put his chopsticks down and asked, "What's the matter?"

"Omma... I can't say," Seon said hesitantly, although looking at his expression it looked like he was dying to tell me. I know my son well... It won't take much to prod it out of him.

"We don't keep secrets in this house, Kim Young Seon. You know that. If you don't want to tell Omma, I'll just have your Appa talk to you, then," I said slowly. "You can tell him instead."

"Omma, no!" He protested. He heaved a sigh of resignation and motioned for me to come closer. When I did, he whispered, "Omma, promise you won't tell anyone. Promise," he beseeched as he lifted his pinky finger towards me. I hesitated for a second before I joined my finger with his. He nodded and took a deep breath before speaking. "Omma... Haraboji and Halmoni like each other."

"What?" I asked, shocked. Surely he must just have misunderstood. "Why would you think that, Seon-ah?"

"Last Saturday, uhmm, I was with Halmoni to sleep over and Min was with Haraboji. Halmoni and I were eating and Haraboji came into the house with Min, because Min wouldn't stop crying. He didn't even ring the doorbell! Min's face was all red and his nose was all runny and he was covered in a blanket and..." I listened as Seon digressed and fought the urge to refocus his conversation to the matter at hand. "But when I went to Halmoni's room in the morning to wake her up because we were getting hungry and everything, Haraboji was there too!"

My eyes widened in surprise and he nodded at me. I know kids get fantastical ideas but Seon has never been one of those children. He doesn't lie either. Omonim finalized her divorce two years ago, and as far as I knew she hadn't started dating yet. Was it possible? Of course it was. Anything was possible. Could it be that she never stopped loving Abonim like he never stopped loving her? I shook my head. I was still digesting this piece of news when I heard the shower stop.

"Seon-ah... Thank you for telling Omma," I said to him. "I'll handle your Appa. Don't say anything to him yet. We can't have him get distracted today. Today's a very big day. Appa's playing in his championship. We'll tell him after, ok?"

Seon nodded his head in all seriousness. I sat back on the chair and thought to myself that I only had a good six hours, between Joon's game and the fact that our son is only five years old and really couldn't be expected to keep a secret, to try to make sense of this newfound information before I have to fess up. I can never keep anything from Joon.

When he came out of the shower a few minutes later, he dropped a quick kiss on my lips before sitting himself down next to Min's high chair. I studied his handsome face closely to see where he was at this morning, but he looked calm and in control. There were no shadows under his eyes and he looked relaxed. He grinned at me from across the table as he drank a cup of coffee and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Yeobo, you know I have to leave early for the pre-game interviews and everything," Joon said as he helped himself to some rice.

"Yeah I know... I have to go pick up Omma from the house anyway, plus with the kids, it's probably a good thing that you drive on your own or you'll be distracted."

"You sure you're going to be able to handle the boys?" He asked, pointedly looking at my swollen belly. "You're getting bigger every day."

"Yah... And whose fault is that?" I asked him teasingly. "Didn't I have to do the same thing when I was pregnant with Min? I am an expert in this... An expert! Plus Omma will be with me on the drive to the stadium, and then everyone will be there, too. I'll have plenty of help around."

"Appa... I want to play baseball too, okay?" Seon said suddenly, and it's only now that I saw him watching Joon.

Joon's face lit up in pleasure and surprise. "Really? Our first son wants to play baseball?" He asked.

Seon nodded thoughtfully. "Appa plays baseball and Oe Haraboji is a coach. Joon Samchon likes it, too. He says girls like boys who play baseball. So I am going to play baseball."

"Aigoo... Aren't you too young to be thinking about girls?" I asked Seon. "Seon-ie... That's not entirely true. I didn't like your Appa..." I started before Joon silenced me with a glare.

"YAHH... Do you have to talk about that now?" He asked, pretending to be irritated. "Besides, did you or did you not end up marrying a baseball player?"

"That's true, Joon-ah," I agreed as Seon and Min watched us quietly. "But I would have married you whether you were or you weren't. But I do like how you look in your uniform..." I stopped when I realized that I have gone off topic and in front of our children, no less.

"How much do you like it?" He asked with a wink. His gaze deepened as he openly studied my face and I cleared my throat when his eyes fixed on my lips. My eyes strayed to our sons, who are both still watching us closely and frowned at him.

"Ask me again later," I whispered as I got up to take my cup to the sink. "Horrible man. Two kids under the age of six and another one on the way. I singlehandedly will solve all of Korea's birth problems at this rate. I swear if I wasn't already pregnant, I would be again with the way this man looks at me," I muttered to myself.

Joon burst out laughing, and seeing their Appa holding his abdomen in mirth, the boys started laughing too, though neither of them knew what their Appa was laughing about, or at least I hoped not. It seems that now that revenge has been meted out, as I am outnumbered three to one, uhmm, four to one, if you can count the baby still growing inside me, in this household. My boys love me, but they idolize Joon.

Still I am the proud mother of all these boys, who, as I watched them joke and laugh with their Appa, made me realize that we seem to be growing little Joons in this house. Oh well, I thought, as I looked at the man I married, putting more food on Seon's plate and sneaking a bite of rice to Min, certainly there is nothing wrong with more Joons in the world.

## November 17, 2007

## 6:15 p.m.

## Na Jeong

"I don't know what or how to tell him, " I confided in Yoon Jin. Samcheonpo had just walked the boys to the bathroom and Min was sitting on my lap. Her daughter sat on her side reading a book. "How do you tell your husband that his parents, who have been divorced for almost as long as he's been alive, are dating again?"

"WHAT?" Omma said. "What are you talking about?"

I turned to Omma before speaking. "Omma... Seon told me this morning."

"Na Jeong-ah... He's only five years old. What would he know of such things," Omma said and Yoon Jin nodded in agreement.

"Maybe he misunderstood," Yoon Jin said. "You can't really be bringing stuff like that up lightly. I mean, how long did it take Chilbong to get over his childhood issues?"

I shook my head and thought more deeply, trying to ignore the fact that the toddler sitting on my lap was nibbling on my necklace.

"Yah... My son is a pretty perceptive kid," I said.

I looked over her to make sure that Haitai and Ae Jung were still fully engrossed in their conversation with Oppa and Yoo Mi Unnie. I looked at the bleachers in front of me to see Binggrae on the phone with Jin Yi Unnie, who had to stay home since their baby was just born a few weeks ago.

"Besides it wasn't as if it was on baseless observation. He saw them in bed," I tried to say as the crowd roared in excitement when they started seeing some of the baseball players run out to the field. I can barely hear myself think, much less speak, so we need to finish up this conversation before the game begins.

"WHAT?" Yoon Jin and Omma asked simultaneously. They were both shaking their heads at me, motioning that they didn't hear what I just said.

"They were..." Yoon Jin was still shaking her head no. "THEY WERE IN BED TOGETHER!" I yelled just as the noise calmed down some. And I found not one, but five pairs of eyes on me in surprise.

"Bed!" Min echoed seriously and Omma patted his head affectionately.

"Chingu-ya... Who was in bed together?" Haitai asked over Yoon Jin's shoulder and I glared at him.

"No one. It's none of your business, " I said, grimacing. So much for keeping my son's secret.

"If it's none of HIS business then it must be someone's business," Oppa said. "You should just come out with it, Na Jeong-ah. You're horrible at keeping secrets anyway."

"Oppa, that's not true," I protested. "I'm great at keeping secrets."

"Na Jeong-ah... You know Joon's got you beat in that department. That boy can keep secrets like no one else," Binggrae said as he was hanging up his call. "Now what are we trying to hide?"

I clucked my tongue at him. He definitely won't be privy to any information, especially since it pertains to his aunt. Also because he and Joon are like a pair of old ladies. As the years have gone on, they've gotten even closer and I know there is no one who Joon confides in more than he does his cousin. Well, besides Jin-ie Oppa and In Sung, anyway.

"Yah... Who are you calling a boy?" I asked him. "Joon is thirty four years old and is a father to three children! And what do you mean he's better at keeping secrets than me? I'm definitely better."

"What secrets?" I heard a familiar voice asked behind me and I turned around to see Omonim and Abonim standing there, having just arrived at the stadium.

I looked them both up and down to see if I can discern anything different but they stayed a foot away from each other surreptitiously and I narrowed my eyes. I won't be fooled. I will be watching them like a hawk from now on. Omonim was dressed casually, or at least as casually as she goes, in tailored pants and a sweater. She kept her hair down, making her look younger than she already does. Abonim was dressed in trousers and a thick cable knit sweater and looked as handsome as ever. They certainly made a striking pair, and it's easy to see how Joon turned out looking like he does, just looking at them.

Omma leaned into my shoulder to snap me out of my reverie before she greeted Omonim with an embrace and Abonim with a warm handshake. Everyone greeted them as well, having met the pair of them at our wedding and having seen them at every family function at the house. As if trying to make up for all the things they missed with Joon's childhood, those two are extremely attentive and involved grandparents, claiming the kids at least once a month for a weekend sleepover, giving me and Joon much needed or maybe not so much needed alone time.

They sat down on either side of Binggrae on the bleachers and I wondered if maybe Seon, who now bounded up the stairs on a race with Dong Min, misread the situation. I shook my head at our oldest son as I watched him. He certainly inherited our competitive nature, even now at this age. His face lit up when he saw his grandparents and ran towards them in glee and I had to hold back from issuing a "be careful". He hugged Omonim tightly around the neck and planted a loud smack on her cheek.

"Halmoni, you look pretty," he said and I watched Joon's mother's face blush in pleasure.

"Thank you, Seon-ah," she responded before lifting his cheek to take a closer look at him. "And you... Have you grown taller since last weekend? Every time I see you you look more and more like your Appa, except with your Omma's unbelievable eyes. So handsome, uri Seon-ie."

"Really?" Seon asked, his chest puffing up with pride to be compared to Joon.

Min, as if noticing the attention that his brother was getting for the first time, started getting restless on my lap. He reached out for his Haraboji and ended up plonking his bottle on his head instead. I looked at him apologetically when he turned around but he just grinned when he saw Min. He held out his arms and Min went cooperatively, without so much as a glance back my way. These boys get away with practically everything with both sets of grandparents so doting. No wonder they act like I am a dictator when they are home. I would be upset except for the fact that the boys are as in love with their grandparents almost as much as their grandparents are in love with them.

I watched Omonim and Abonim for a few more minutes and I was almost convinced that nothing was indeed going on, until I saw Abonim sneak a glance at Omonim when she wasn't looking. Aigoo, like father, like son, indeed. It seems that I wasn't the only one watching as I caught Yoon Jin and Omma seeing what I just saw. They both nodded in my direction and I gave them a smug smile. I knew our boy couldn't have been wrong.

The blare from the announcer's speaker made us all look to the field to see if the game was about to start, only to see the players still warming up.

"Na Jeong-ah... Is Jung Jin-ssi here, too?" Omonim suddenly asked, as she peeled a banana for Seon.

"Omonim, he's here," I replied. "He's standing near the dugout with Appa, where all the reporters are." I pointed to the spot where many people stood with mics and cameras, as well as a few men in suits. "He let my little brother stay there as well. Sook Sook is still playing as a pitcher for their Little League."

"Did Unnie... Gia Unnie come back from America yet?" Yoon Jin asked and I nodded.

"She's supposed to be coming later. She has to come from the airport to pick her friend up," I said.

"Which friend?" Yoon Jin asked and I shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't know... I haven't met her yet," I responded slowly. I suspect we will all meet her at some point in this visit.

Min started baby babbling about something and everyone turned their attention to him as they cooed and gushed about how cute he is. Our second son, being the ham that he is, ate up all the attention, and safely assured that both kids are well taken care of, I thought back on the conversation Joon and I shared months ago, on just another night we spoke over video call.

2 months before...

"About that," Joon said slowly and I turned my gaze away, a little nervous about what he has to say. "I have something to tell you..."

Joon and I have spoken often about me quitting work altogether to stay with the kids, but even if we were financially stable, I don't want to do that. I worked hard on my degree, and have worked even harder since in my profession to get to where I am. I also know we're going to have our third child soon, and that some people may think I am being selfish by putting my needs over my children's. But... it's hard enough being married to someone so famous without losing who I am. I know Joon understands this, but I still cannot help but worry. I have seen and heard too many of my co-workers quit because of such demands from husbands who initially insisted they were perfectly okay with a woman's independence. All under the guise of "what's best for the family." I stayed quiet and waited, biting my bottom lip.

"I'm retiring the end of the season," my husband finally said and I lifted my eyes up to look at his face.

Worry nagged at the pit of my stomach as I wondered if his right shoulder had gotten re-injured. I was about to ask him when he continued speaking, his eyes serious.

"I've actually been thinking about this for the few months. I think it hit me when I missed the first time Min crawled, just like I missed Seon, that it was time to put my jersey up. I don't want to miss any more things. Baseball always made me happy in the absence of everything else, but now, I find myself homesick on the road all the time, wondering about what Seon did every day and wanting to hear about which new friend he made... or thinking about what new word Min learned." he said wistfully before releasing a breath. "Yah... You're not mad I didn't tell you earlier, right?"

"No," I answered calmly. "You know I trust your judgment, and will support whatever decision you make. We have a lot of savings so we'll be okay if you want to take some time and think about the next step. But Appa... Appa may not be so pleased. You've only been with the Twins for four years."

Any decision regarding Joon and baseball is taken very seriously by Appa, and I wondered at times if he had appointed himself not just Joon's personal coach but secondary manager as well. I still cringe when I remember the drama from when Joon chose the Bears to play for when we first got married.

"I told Appa before the season started," Joon replied.. "He wasn't too happy but he understood."

Irritation flashed through me and I knew it showed on my face when I looked at my husband and saw that he was holding back a smile.

"Yah... Why do you tell Appa first before me? This is too much," I complained. "I marry you, I bear your children, I..."

"Na Jeong-ah," he said gently. "I knew you would support me no matter what. I know that. But Appa... He's a little more difficult. Especially about this. I needed to prepare him mentally for what was to come."

"You didn't kneel again, did you? What did you tell him? Because I didn't get yelled at or blamed this time."

"I said...'Coach. It's been an honour to play with you. I always dreamed that I would retire wearing the same jersey as you, and it's going to come true. I think it's time I go back to just being your son. I want to go out while I'm on top, with plenty of time left in my life to enjoy it. My family is my first priority now. This will be my last season.' He walked off but came back not even five minutes later. He put an arm around me and I knew it was going to be okay. He gets it. He knows that for me to even say something that might incite his wrath it would have to be pretty set in stone." I smiled at him through the web camera. Kim Jae Joon has truly become the man he was always meant to be. Even with my Appa, he stands his ground nowadays.

"Well that's the biggest worry gone then," I said, relieved.. "At least you'll be able to think about what you want to do next in peace."

"I know what I want to do next, yeobo. I want to open a baseball academy."

"Really?" I asked, surprised. "I think it's a great idea. Won't you have to go back to school for business though?"

"No... The academy will be in my name and I'll teach and coach, but I was thinking of Jung Jin Hyung for the COO. He has his MBA from NYU and I think he'll be a great fit."

I sat up on the bed and opened the bedside drawer to grab a pad of paper and a pen.

"What are you doing?" I heard Joon ask.

"We need to make a list. Of the things you'll need to make this happen." I started thinking about where we even need to start when Joon's voice startled me back to the present.

"Yeobo, lie down with me. Please," he requested as he took his shirt off and climbed into bed. I frowned at him but put the notepad and the pen down anyway and complied. I had just laid back down on my side when he spoke again. "We have plenty of time to do that. Besides, it will take about a year to get this project completed and I already know what I want to do before the academy opens."

"Wow... Kim Jae Joon... You're so well prepared." I adopted the most impressed voice that I can muster. "Tell me, then, what you plan on doing." I closed my eyes unwittingly and realized that I must be more tired than I thought. I rubbed my abdomen automatically, knowing that I will have to get used to this fatigue again as I go through our third pregnancy.

"I'm going to stay home and take care of the kids while my wife works. That's what I will do."

My eyes opened in surprise and I felt them embarrassingly fill with tears. They fell without warning and I brought my hand up to wipe them up quickly before Joon even noticed, but when I looked back at his face, it seemed he had never taken his eyes off me this whole time.

"Listen..." He started. "I know how much you do and how much you give up for me and for our family. I probably don't thank you as often as I should, but it's not because I'm clueless about it. You've nurtured my dreams for years. It's time now for me to do the same for you. So... I'll stay home with the kids while the academy is being built and you can do whatever you want. Or don't want. Go to your Oppa's games. Take cooking classes like you kept on saying since a couple of years ago, but just never had the time. Now I want to make time... To give you the opportunity to do those things." He paused and took a deep breath. "You are an incredible mother and wife. But you're still Sung Na Jeong. You'll never lose that... Not if I can help it." He stayed silent for a few minutes with a smile as I blew my nose on a tissue. "Yeobo... What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking how is it possible to love one person this much. And to have been blessed with that two, I meant three fold..." as my hand strayed to my abdomen tenderly, "and I can't believe it, either. Joon-ah, thank you. For working so hard to provide for us. You're an amazing husband. And a wonderful father. You know that, right? You beat yourself up so much for the things you're not able to do that you forget how much you do. I don't forget it. Neither should you."

"Na Jeong-ah... You don't..." He hesitated and cleared his throat. "You don't think our kids will think less of me for quitting baseball, right?"

I shook her head. "No. I think they'll just be so happy that you'll be home every night. We're all in this together, and we'll be together after it, too."

"I know. I just don't want our kids thinking I'm a quitter. I don't care what everyone else thinks, but what you think matters. What our boys think matters."

Of course it does. That's why I love my husband. No matter what happens, he always puts his family first.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi..." I began. "To the rest of the world you may be this Major League Baseball Player, but to them you're their Appa. They'll be proud of you, no matter what, just like I am."

I vaguely heard the static from the speaker again and I was brought back to my present surroundings. I listened as the crowd quieted when the announcer started calling out the players' names and waited in anticipation in my throat for Joon's name. Seon had now sat himself down next to Omonim and Min was napping on Abonim's lap, despite the noise all around him.

"Na Jeong-ah," Samcheonpo said as he opened a water bottle for Dong Min. "Why were we all invited to this game anyway? Joon usually doesn't insist on all of us coming out for a game, even when it's a championship one..."

I guess he hadn't told our friends. Everyone turned to listen to my response, except for Omonim and Abonim, who I am sure already knew. It's just so like Joon to make a big deal of the smallest things and to try to underplay the things that mattered. Omma and I shared a look before I responded.

"It's Joon's last game," I said.

"It's the last game of the season?" Haitai asked. "What's the big deal? The season will start again in five months and we'll all be here again for the first game, like we always are."

I looked at all their faces and smiled. "It's the last game of his career. Or at least his career as a professional baseball player."

## 8:45 p.m.

## Jae Joon

The clouds finally parted and the sky had darkened into a clear evening. I allowed myself to savour the crisp night air and the smell of winter just creeping in as I stood on the mound. The stadium lights glowed brightly, illuminating the field and making the grass look greener and the colours more vivid. I tapped the pitcher's mound with my shoe and watched as the dust blew around slowly.

I heard the whisper of a breeze blow languidly past my right ear, the prickle of tension spread slowly from the bottom of my spine and up my shoulder and down my right arm. I felt the weight of my legs, solid on the pitching rubber, and the way the sleeve of my jersey rubbed against my arm, even through the long undershirt I was wearing.

Around me the noise was deafening, the crowd's excitement palpable. It was a special game. A special championship, and they were happy to be there. To watch Kim Jae Joon's final game. To see me play professionally one last time. Jung Jin Hyung told me earlier that the tickets sold out as soon as it was confirmed that we had made it to the Finals. I am humbled by the devotion that my fans had showed all throughout my career.

I heard them chant my name and closed my eyes. In the noise I didn't just hear encouragement and love, but acknowledgment as well, for all the work I've done and gratitude to have been a part of it. I felt their joy and their dreams projected my way. I opened my eyes and lifted my eyes to the crowd, old and young alike, all gazes directed towards me. There were smiles, and some people were openly weeping. I spotted banners, small and large, bearing my name and words of support. "Good Luck Kim Jae Joon. Thank you. We will miss you."

No, thank YOU, I thought as I felt emotion roll through me. I will miss you all too. Thank you for watching me grow. Thank you for letting me grow and letting me go. Thank you for this life.

I looked at the baseball on my left hand and felt it's comforting weight. I studied the seams and traced a calloused finger over it. Never again, in this same capacity, will I hold a ball this way, and though I have prepared myself mentally for this moment for months, it doesn't diminish the fact that it is all still happening now, and my heart wasn't quite as prepared as I thought.

The umpire's whistle blew and the sound of it was like a lover's call. Here we go. It's the final inning of our final game... let's make these few moments something worth remembering, Chilbong. I permitted myself a little smile as I called myself the name that had given me some of the happiest and saddest times in my life.

I tipped my cap four times, with each stroke accompanied by a silent prayer of gratitude for the men who have taught me everything I've known about baseball... the men who gave me confidence when I needed it the most. I remembered all the players I have battled with and against, each of them remembered in my memory. I grasped the ball twice, each squeeze with a message of love for my parents, without whose union I would not be here. I know that they're here, somewhere in the crowd, along with Na Jeong and our friends. Na Jeong, I thought, as I lifted the chain from my neck with my right hand and saw the way my couple ring and my wedding ring glinted in the light, along with it a pendant, engraved with our children's names and brought it to my lips. Three kisses. One for my Seon, one for my Min and one for our unborn child. I pressed one last kiss, a longer, lingering one for my wife, who continues to love me and ground me every day and without whose strength and sacrifice I would not have been able to do what I love for as long as I could.

I closed my eyes tightly as the metal hit my lips, and the pounding of my heart echoed what I've been hearing it say for months. Look at yourself, Kim Jae Joon. Look at your life. Are you happy? I smiled as I opened my eyes. Yes. I'm happy. My life has been fought for, as has my success.

I looked to the scoreboard and saw that our team was leading by several points. This game had already been won. The opposing team had one batter left and no one on the bases. Even their players who were currently not on the field were standing up just outside their dugout, watching respectfully, no doubt thinking about the day when they will play their last game. I nodded at them in gratitude... We all recognized this moment for what it was.

My eyes strayed to the dugout to see Appa, with his arms crossed, watching me with an unreadable expression on his face. I took my position and my eyes met In Sung's to see him grinning at me broadly from behind his catcher's mask. I knew what he was going to signal for before he even did it. When his hand moved to position, I was given my confirmation. A fastball. Of course. My signature pitch. The first one I ever threw his way, and it seemed only fitting that the last one be that as well.

I nodded and turned to my side, planting my feet firmly on the pitcher's mound, and lifted my left leg towards my waist, rotating my hips ever so slightly to my right as my arms raised over my head. My body knew my routine and the movements flowed automatically. Like a dancer, my body reacted instinctively, with nary a thought getting in the way. I felt the breeze kiss my arms before I took a deep breath and released the ball, my right leg lifting up off the ground with the velocity of my pitch.

The ball zoomed out of my hand, and I watched as the batter took a step back to avoid getting hit. It landed squarely in In Sung's mitt and I saw the umpire motion a strike before the announcer confirmed it overhead. I released my breath as In Sung ran to me with the baseball in his hand, throwing his face mask to the side in the process. His arms enfolded me in a tight embrace as the team gathered all around us and enveloped us both in a group hug. I felt emotions well up in my throat as I heard the cheers and the applause. We all broke apart long enough to receive congratulatory handshakes from the opposing team and I accepted their well wishes graciously.

I looked over several shoulders and looked for Appa, who was getting some water thrown on him by the other baseball staff as he shouted in mock irritation. My eyes wandered past the dugout and met Jung Jin Hyung's eyes as he gave me a nod and a smile. I smiled back at him before my eyes went to the part of the stadium where I knew my family and friends would be sitting. Afraid of the magnitude of the moment along with the sight of the people I love most together overwhelming and distracting me, it was only now that I allowed myself to look up at them.

In Sung tapped me on the shoulder and I looked back at him to see him hand me the winning ball before he ran to the bleachers to hug Misoo and his kids. I stepped back from the crowd around me and my eyes looked around for Na Jeong and our children. It was only then that it hit me that every person on the bleachers, men and women, children and adults, were standing up and applauding. I felt overcome with emotions as I looked back to see all my coaches, past and present, even those from Japan and America, along with Song Jae Park, the Doosan Bears Coach, and Appa, still wet with a towel wrapped around his shoulders, all walking into the field and standing in line. Yang Sang Moon, the manager of the Seoul Twins, came out bearing a microphone and a bouquet of flowers, and greeted the crowd enthusiastically.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen... the Seoul Twins would like to thank all of you for your support and encouragement over the past season," he began as the audience quieted down to hear what he had to say. "As you all know, today is a momentous day, a day that will forever be remembered not only in Seoul Twins history, but Korean baseball history as well. We are honoured and privileged to be the last team that the great Kim Jae Joon plays for, and we now not only celebrate this championship, but his career as well. Please join us for a few more minutes as professional baseball says goodbye to one of its brightest stars in our own little way." He looked at me and smiled. "Jae Joon-ssi, please look behind you as we have prepared a video just for this occasion."

He handed me the flowers and I turned my attention to the big screen monitor behind them and saw myself from 1994, back when I played for Yonsei University, on one of the interviews I had given after a game.

"It is said that in order to achieve success in one field, ten thousand hours are required. The ten-thousand-hour rule. You have to work hard and try and suffer till the end. Like Yogi Berra once said, 'It ain't over till it's over.'"

I knew even back then that I hadn't just been talking about baseball, but about Na Jeong as well, and my life. I watched with a smile as pictures of me flashed through the screen, from the time I was young, all throughout my baseball career in university and some footages from my professional career in Japan, America and finally, Korea. They had the clip of my first throw on that night I played the friendly game against Korea University, my first game post injury, and I saw myself the way everyone had always seen me, standing alone, but with a confidence that I have never noticed or seen before.

They interviewed several of my old teammates from all the teams I played for, all wishing me good health and luck for what's ahead in life, and congratulating me on my wife and children. It felt like a trip down memory lane as I watched faces I have known and shared this part of my life with, appear on the screen.

When the video ended, the crowd continued their applause, and I kissed the ball I was holding and held it up in the air and heard the cheers, trying to control the tears that had formed in my eyes. Trying to tamp down on the emotion, I walked over to my coaches and greeted them one by one.

"Chukhamnida, Joon-ah," my Yonsei University coach said warmly, and I said my thanks as I shook his hand.

"Omedetogozaimasu, Kim Jae Joon-san," Tatsunori Hara, the coach from the Yomiuri Giants said, as he handed me a Giants All Star Jersey.

"Domo arigatogoizamashita," I responded, the familiar Japanese expression coming to me easily and he smiled at me.

Dusty Baker, the Giants manager, handed me a San Francisco Giants All-Star Jersey as well as he held out his hand, and said, "Congratulations, JJ. It was a pleasure being part of your career."

"Thank you. Thanks for coming," I responded. "Please express my gratitude to all my teammates as well."

"Will do," he replied.

I walked over to Appa, who stayed standing, but unable to meet my eyes. He held the pitching rubber, now dug up from the from the baseball diamond, in his hands and he handed it to me wordlessly. A lump formed in my throat as I took it and I followed his eyes to see one of my jerseys being raised to join the other jerseys from retired players in the stadium.

"Congratulations, Chilbong-ah," he said quietly. "We're retiring your number. #77 will always belong to you." He coughed and cleared his throat before meeting my eyes. "It's been an honour playing with you." I nodded as he hugged me tightly. As if recognizing the gravity of the occasion, his embrace lasted a few more minutes, allowing me to get my emotions back in order, before he whispered, "You've done well, Joon-ah. Your parents, me, Omma, Sook Sook, all your friends... Na Jeong, your children... We're all very very proud of you."

I pulled away and tried to find Na Jeong and the kids one more time, but was unsuccessful. I greeted the crowd one last time, and I watched as my coaches walked off the field with another wave my way. Appa walked back towards the dugout, where I saw him unnecessarily cleaning up the space. For one minute I wondered if I should follow him, but then I realized that Appa needed his own private moment as well. I reluctantly followed my teammates back to the locker room, a little upset that I didn't see my wife and children. I planted a smile on my face as my teammates popped a champagne bottle and I drank just half a glass. I went to take a shower and it wasn't until a few minutes later when I came out that I noticed that everyone, including In Sung, had already left the locker room, no doubt to join their friends and family who came to watch the game. Since it's the last game of the season, I'm positive that everyone was ready to go home for a few months before they started all over again.

I went to pack up my locker to see that Jung Jin Hyung had taped a note in front of it.

"Joon-ah... We'll meet in a week and figure out the game plan. You did surprisingly well for someone who looked like you were about to cry the whole time..." I tsked and grinned before I read the next sentence. "I was just kidding... You looked calm and in control the whole time, like you always do, you bastard. Thanks for letting me share your career with you. The kids send kisses and my wife sends a handshake in congratulations... actually she sent a kiss too but you're not having that. I'll call you soon, boss."

I smiled as I placed his note in the outside pocket of my bag before I proceeded to empty out my locker. I quickly folded up my jersey and my training clothes, as well as the spare shoes that Na Jeong insisted I bring with me when she noticed that my game sneakers were getting worn out. I untaped the pictures that Seon had drawn for me and placed them in another pocket so as not to get creased. I lovingly fingered the pictures that were on the back of my locker, the one of Na Jeong at Yoon Jin's wedding, a picture of us on our wedding day, one of me holding Seon when he was born and the last one of all of us, taken almost a year ago, wearing birthday hats on our heads, celebrating Min's first birthday, all with cakes on our faces. Seon and Min were laughing at something as Na Jeong and I shared a messy cakey kiss. I quickly put them in the pocket of my jacket, and as I lifted my bag I kissed my hand and placed it on my now empty locker.

I went straight to the exit and saw our friends, as well as my parents and Na Jeong's Omma, all waiting there for me. Our parents stood to one side while Samcheonpo, Binggrae, Haitai and Jung Gook Hyung all greeted me with handshakes and congratulations before chiding me for not telling them that this was my last game. The women all greeted me with hugs before they made me promise that we'll all get together soon to celebrate properly. I nodded and waved them off as they all made their way to the parking lot.

"Joon-ah," Omma said as she stepped forward. "Congratulations. You always wanted to go out while you were on top, and it seems that you fulfilled your own wish." I looked over at Appa, who was just quietly standing next to her, before he put an arm around my shoulder.

"That must have been hard," he commented. "But you did well. Just like you always do. Just like we knew you would."

"Thanks, Omma, Appa, where's Na..."

"Bong-ah," Na Jeong's Omma said hurriedly as she kissed my cheek and Sook Sook, now almost eleven years old, gave me a hug. "Appa's waiting for me in the car, but I wanted to greet you first. Congratulations, uri Joon. Appa already transferred Min's car seat to your car while you were getting cleaned up." She walked away holding Sook Sook's hand after smiling at me one more time and called out, "Remember! You guys are coming over for dinner this weekend!"

I turned back to my parents to ask them where Na Jeong was to see them looking at each other shyly and I narrowed my eyes. Before I could ask them what was going on, Appa spoke.

"The kids were getting restless, no doubt fuelled by all the excitement so Na Jeong is still in there with them," he informed me, as he looked at the stadium. "Your Omma and I will be going first... We get the kids next weekend, okay?"

He and Omma walked away before I could ask them what he meant by "we" and within a few minutes, it was just me left there standing with my bag slung over one shoulder and the pitching rubber in one hand. I walked to the parking lot and deposited them in the trunk of the car before checking to make sure that the car seat had been applied properly. I placed one of Min's stuffed animals in his car seat and got a bottle ready from the supplies that were in the car, and it was only after I had done all those things that I walked back to the field.

I walked in slowly, finally allowing myself to feel what I've been trying to hold back all day. I looked at the dark field, unable to find my wife and children, and stood in one place. The bleachers were empty now, and all that remained was the litter all around and the banners still hanging. I looked up to where my jersey now hung and felt the tears form once more, and this time I didn't stop them. I sat down on the lowest bleacher and closed my eyes, permitting the silence to enfold me. My glory days are over... Finally. Along with the freedom came a grief, swift and unyielding, as I bid farewell to what had been the most constant part of my life. Even before Na Jeong.

The silence was thick, as was the lump in my throat. Just as I was beginning to feel choked by it, the most beautiful sound snapped me back to reality, and the reason why I made my choice.

"Appa!" I heard Seon call out and I stood up to see him running towards me with his arms outstretched.

Na Jeong was walking a few steps behind him, her hand firmly holding Min's hand, as he walked with unsteady steps towards me. Na Jeong lifted her eyes from looking at Min and met mine and my heartbeat slowed down as I saw her study me with a concerned look on her beautiful face. I caught Seon in my arms and he held me close as I breathed him. Still brimming with energy, he pulled away and took Min's hand from his Omma's as they played in the field. I watched with worry as Min fell back on his bottom, but being the good big brother he is, Seon easily helped him up again and they resumed their play.

Na Jeong watched them for a few minutes before turning back to me. She walked towards me in sure steps and when we stood only a foot apart, took my face in her hands and kissed me tenderly on the lips. My tears fell and I felt her soft hands brush them away before she wrapped her arms around my waist. She placed a hand over my heart and I rested my chin on the top of her head. I choked back a sob and felt her hands on my back.

"It's okay, Joon-ah. Let it out," she whispered. "It's just me and you. You don't have to hide what you're feeling. It's okay."

My shoulders shook as I cried quietly. She stayed quiet as she continued rubbing my back in comforting strokes. She pulled away slightly and took my baseball cap off my head before running fingers over my hair and smiling at me.

"You were incredible, Kim Jae Joon," she declared. "I have never been more proud of you. Your children, too. Even Min stayed awake through the whole video, pointing to you on the field and on the screen, screaming 'Appa!' Seon was very happy to be wearing your jersey." Her smile disappeared as she looked deeply at me, emotion flashing from her expressive eyes. "Are you okay?"

I nodded quietly as I brushed a stray hair off her face. "I love you," I said softly and watched her eyes soften.

"You better," she teased. "And I love you more."

I was about to complain that she was still so competitive after all these years when I felt little arms wrap around my legs to see Seon holding on tightly. Min was sitting on the grass behind him, playing with a blade of grass. I lifted Seon into my arms and engulfed him in a tight embrace. He wrapped his arms tightly around my neck as I placed an arm around Na Jeong's shoulder. Min, feeling left out, raised his arms to be picked up and Na Jeong bent down to help him to his feet. I leaned down and hugged my wife and my children, finally able to enjoy the time I have with them without worrying about when I will have to leave again.

"Let me down! Appa, let me down!" Seon said and I hesitantly put him back on the ground.

"Aigoo... Are you too grown up to be carried by Appa now?" I asked teasingly and he looked at me seriously.

"Appa, Omma says I'm a big boy now. I'm her little man when you're away. Don't I do a good job taking care of her and Min like you ask me to?" He asked.

"You do. You are our little man," I said as he confidently took Na Jeong's hand as we walked towards the stadium's exit.

"Appa... Appa will carry Min, okay? Omma is having a baby and shouldn't be carrying heavy things and Min is heavy," he ordered and I smiled.

"I got it, Kim Young Seon-ssi," I responded as I picked Min up from the ground and took Na Jeong's hand with my free hand.

We all walked slowly out of the stadium, until I heard Seon speak again.

"Appa... Since you're not going to play baseball anymore, you want to be my coach?" He asked.

"I don't know... Do you want me to be your coach?" I asked, chuckling.

"Yes, I do, " he said definitively. "Will I have to call you coach, cos you call Oe Haraboji coach..."

"Seon-ie, I only do that because we work together," I said. "I didn't want your Haraboji accused of favouritism."

"Appa... What's favouritism?" he asked and Na Jeong laughed, as she walked along.

"Ahh... Favouritism is when you..." I searched my mind for an understandable definition and came up with none. "Don't worry about it. You're only allowed to call me Appa."

"Appa..." he continued thoughtfully as we were walking to the car.

"What?" I asked him when he stopped walking and looked at me earnestly.

"If you're going to be my coach..."

"Come out with it already, Seon-ah," I said, wondering if he's worried about being teased for being coached by his father.

"If you're going to be my coach," he started and paused again before he heaved a dramatic breath. "Will you have a whistle?"

"A whistle?" I asked. This is what he was most concerned about?

"Yeah, Appa... All the coaches I see on TV have whistles, and it makes them look like real coaches. Oe Haraboji have a dozen whistles! ALL in different colours. You should have one too, okay?"

"Okay..." I said, as I looked over at Na Jeong, trying to control her laughter. "I'll get a few whistles too."

"Okay. You can be my coach.' He ran towards the car when he spotted it and stood at the passenger door and waited for us to catch up.

"It'll be my honour to coach you, Kim Young Seon," I said as I placed Min in his car seat and ruffled Seon's hair before dropping a kiss on his forehead.

## December 1, 2007

## 1:30 p.m.

## Na Jeong

It's been two weeks since Joon's last game and I pored over his plans as I sat down at the kitchen table. I had woken up a couple of hours ago to see a note from Joon saying he was going to the gym and Omma and Appa just left with Seon and Min. I pulled out the binder from the bookshelf and started looking through the financial statements, the estimates and the plans submitted by the architect that Joon and Jung Jin Oppa were working with and noted that not only was there a full baseball field and locker rooms, but a library, to provide help for the kids who needed academic guidance as well.

Two days after the championship game, Joon had held a press conference, but made no mention of the baseball academy yet. Although it didn't appear like he regretted retiring, I also got the impression that there was something still holding him back from fully committing. With all the chaos and adjustment of having Joon twenty four hours a day at home and various doctor's appointments for Min, Seon and myself, we've barely had any time to ourselves to have a conversation and I can't get a grasp on where he's at mentally with this. I worried that he may be second guessing his decision and I wanted to nip those concerns in the bud before it ate him up. Joon was so tight lipped about the whole project and I was unsure why. I even had to talk to Jin-ie Oppa to get a hold of these plans, he was so hesitant to speak of it.

Our children are wonderful, but we can hardly get a serious conversation in when Seon is at an age when he wants to talk about anything and everything he's seen and Min required constant observation at all times. So when Omma offered to keep them for the afternoon, I readily agreed.

Pulling the picnic basket out of the cupboard, I quickly packed the fried chicken I picked up earlier, as well as some ddukbokki we made, the mandoo that Omma had sent over and a couple of containers of banchan, making sure that I pack the radish kimchi I made this past week. I grabbed a couple of bottles of juice and carried the picnic basket down and waited for Joon to come back, which should be in about in five minutes.

I wrapped my coat and my scarf more tightly around me and checked to make sure that I had placed the architectural plans in there and double checked the address again. Within a few minutes Joon's car pulled into the parking lot and he stuck his head out of his window as he pulled into the space next to my car.

"You going somewhere?" He asked and I shook my head no.

"WE are going somewhere," I responded, taking in the still damp hair brushed back on his head and the sweatpants and sweatshirt he was wearing under his puffy coat. 34 years old and not looking a day older than 25. "I'm taking my husband out on a date. But you'll have to drive because..." I pointed to my belly.

"Where are the kids?" He asked and I smiled.

"Omma and Appa took them to see Sook Sook play," I replied. "We have all afternoon to ourselves." He raised his eyebrows suggestively and I shook my head. "Uh uh... I have something even more special planned."

"More special than making love to my wife? This I'll have to see," he said. "Come on, hop in."

"Joon-ah, pop the trunk open, please. I need to put the picnic basket I packed in there, " I asked and he got out of the car after the trunk was opened.

"Yah," he said as he lifted the picnic basket. "Don't tell me you carried this all the way down from the apartment." When I didn't respond, he glared at me. "Sung Na Jeong-ssi, you are five months pregnant."

"Yeah yeah yeah, I know... You don't have to remind me," I said dismissively. "It won't happen again."

"You said that last time," he said as he shook his head at me.

He went to the passenger side of the car and opened the door. He waited until I was safely seated and buckled up before he closed the door and sat back down in the driver's seat. He had his hands on the steering wheel and turned his face to me leaning down quickly to steal a kiss. Aigoo... Like he hasn't kissed me a million times already.

"You sure you don't want to just stay home?" He asked, looking at my lips and I was almost tempted to say forget the date and let's just stay in bed all day. Knowing that if I even stayed silent for another minute my husband would take it as a sign that I'm wavering and will continue to seduce me and will most definitely succeed, I merely blinked at him and pretended I had no clue what he was talking about.

"Drive," I barked and he started laughing.

"Where am I driving to?" He asked and I pulled out the piece of paper with the address and handed it to him.

He glanced at it then looked at me. "Na Jeong-ah..."

"I don't want to hear any excuses Joon-ah... I want to see where my husband and children will be spending most of their time," I said before he could say any more. "Now drive."

He pulled out of the parking lot and drove towards the outskirts of the city in silence. With Joon not being very talkative I dialled the radio onto full blast and sang along when 'White Snow' came on. I looked over at Joon subtly and noticed that he still looked a bit tense so I sang even louder and more out of tune until he turned to look at me and smiled. The ice broken, I gave him a lopsided smile as I felt a kick on one side of my abdomen.

"Oww... I think the baby likes this song," I said.

"The baby has good taste," Joon said as he pulled onto a gravel road. He put the car on park and I exited the car, only to see an empty field, devoid of any structures. The grass stretched for miles and there was still a 'for sale' sign up. I waited until Joon had taken the picnic basket out of the trunk until I took his hand and we walked together towards the middle of the empty field.

He started taking his coat off for me to have something to sit on when I stopped him with a hand. I pulled a picnic blanket from my bag and spread it on the ground before patting the spot where I wanted Joon to put the picnic basket down.

"It's a good amount of land," I said lightly when he finally sat down next to me. He started pulling out the contents of the picnic basket and put them in between us.

"Why would you bring ddukbokki when you can't eat it when you're pregnant?" He asked when he saw the container.

"You've been boycotting ddukbokki as well in solidarity and this is to show my appreciation," I answered with a laugh. "Just today you're allowed ddukbokki. But touch the chicken and you're dead."

"I got it. This baby loves fried chicken, " he said.

"This baby loves food, just like all our other babies," I said as I put a supporting hand on my back as I leaned back. I took a chicken leg and took a bite before speaking again. "Joon-ah..."

"Hmm?" He asked as he dipped a mandoo in the ddukbokki sauce.

"Jin-ie Oppa said you're dragging your feet with signing the contract to buy the land," I said quietly. "What's the matter? You've had your eye on this land for a couple of months. We'll have to move quickly if you want this place to be open by the summer next year. Otherwise we'll have to wait until the year after."

When he said nothing I put my chicken leg down on my plate and looked at him. I leaned over and lifted his chin so I could look into his eyes and I was surprised at the uncertainty I saw there.

"What's the problem, Joon-ah? Do you not have the funding that you need?"

"It's not that. Hyung invested the money well from years ago and there's plenty of it to get this project up and running," he said. "Plus we have a couple of investors just waiting for the go ahead to send the check."

"Okay," I said as I waited for him to continue. "Are you worried about not having enough staff?"

"It's not that... You know I've stayed in touch with a lot of the guys I've played with and more than half of them have said they'd be interested in teaching and mentoring. In Sung is planning to retire next year with Appa and he wants to get involved as well. Even Appa has said that he wants to get on board once he retires."

"Your name alone will bring in the students but you already know that," I said, thinking. "So I'm not really sure where your hesitation us coming from. And neither does Jin-ie Oppa, apparently, since he asked me to speak to you. Everyone is just waiting for you to make a decision..."

He stopped eating and popped a juice bottle open and handed me one before opening the other and taking a long drink.

"That's the problem, yeobo," he finally said. "This is not just a project... Before it even begins, so much already rides on this. The land is not cheap and success is not guaranteed. If the business never takes off, I will be responsible for the loss. Jung Jin Hyung's livelihood depends on this succeeding, not to mention our investors' money. Plus the kids that will be attending... I don't know if I'm ready to be responsible for all these people."

"Is that it?" I asked as I picked up a mandoo and placed the whole thing in my mouth.

"Is that it?" He repeated. "We're talking tens of billions of won, yeobo. More than enough to ensure that our family will live a privileged life our whole lifetime and our kids' too. It's not a small decision..."

"I'm not trying to make light of your concern, Joon-ah, but whether you know it or not you've already been responsible for the happiness and well-being of three, I mean four human beings for years. And you're doing a wonderful job, I must say."

"That's family, though, but this is business," he replied. "Who the hell am I to open a business? I barely passed those classes in university."

"Don't make this more complicated than it has to be, Joon-ah..." I continued as I took a sip of my drink. "Look at it like a family too if that makes things easier. And your children and I... we don't need a privileged life. We are comfortable and as long as we don't have to scrape every month just to pay bills, we'll be fine. I work and you work, we'll be okay."

"But..." He hesitated and I think I know what he was about to say. "What if it fails?"

Failure. It's a thought that strikes fear in every man and it seems my husband is no exception. I chose my words carefully before I spoke again. I wiped my hands on a paper towel before I looked at him again.

"Then it fails..." I said, shrugging my shoulders and Joon actually looked alarmed. "And then you dust yourself off and you try again. Know why?"

"Why?" He asked.

"Because you're Kim Jae Joon and that's what you do. Let's face it... You do much better the second time around anyway, with a lot of things."

"Yah..."

"Yeobo... I love you and I support you. But I also know you. And I only said with a lot of things, so don't you be getting all huffy with me," I interrupted. I tried to get up on my own and was unsuccessful. "Joon-ah, help me up, please."

He got up from the blanket and lifted me up under my shoulders gently and as soon as I was on my feet I planted myself in front of him and wrapped his arms around my waist as I looked out at the field in front of us.

"I seem to remember you saying, a few years ago, when we went to Abonim's farm for the first time, that you just wanted to be a good man," I began. When he stayed quiet I continued. "Do you know how many people in this world are able to do what they love to do and get paid handsomely for it? Not many. As one of those few, I love that you know that it's your responsibility to try to give some of it back, in whatever way you can. That's what already makes you a good man. Joon-ah... When you look out here, what do you see?"

"A empty land," he said. "It's going to take a lot of work and time to make it something usable."

"Pshhh, yeobo... You've never been afraid to work hard and you'll have plenty of time now. And you're looking with your eyes and not your heart. I look out in this land and I see dreams and hopes and joy. I see future Major Leaguers and I see our kids playing baseball with their father. I see my husband making difference."

"Making a difference? I just want to teach baseball."

"Or so you claim. The baseball that Kim Jae Joon will teach will be different from all the other baseball that's being taught out there... because you'll be teaching them not only baseball as you know it but about life too. Baseball saved you, you've told me this many times, and I know that you hope it might save another kid, too. Even if it's just one. That's why you're scared of it failing. Because you don't want to miss out on that one kid on whose life you could have made a difference."

When he stayed quiet, I received my confirmation that my hunch had been correct, and I relaxed against him.

"So many people in the world, going around without really knowing that they're leaving a mark. No matter what happens, you've already left yours. I've been the witness to your life, and I can testify that up to this moment you've lived it with strength and integrity. But here... You have a chance to really build the legacy you would be proud to leave behind... Maybe even more than your baseball career."

"When you first told me of your plans, even then I had no doubt that it will work. Because it will come from your heart. And nothing beats that. If you lose all this, that will still remain. You'll teach the kids at a local park, heck you'll teach them anywhere. This is just another place, Joon-ah. Just a place. And money is just money. A kid who never thought he could be anything in life now thinking he can play baseball and be successful, just like Kim Jae Joon. Someone who only had an empty house to go home to, now feeling like he has something to belong with and somewhere to go. Being able to see that with hard work and perseverance, there's hope for a better life. Giving each and every child a chance to dream. Those things... Those things are priceless and you have a chance to make it happen. It may not seem like much to you but it can change someone's life, like it did yours."

He turned me around and cupped my face, and finally I see the lightness back in his eyes. "How do you know just what to say to ease my fears?" He asked softly.

"I've loved you for a long time and I'm damn good at it," I said with a smile. "No fear, Joon-ah. Just like with me. Your heart will never lead you astray, and even if it did, I can always bring you back, because I'm awesome that way."

He chuckled before he placed a soft kiss on my lips. "I agree... You are awesome that way."

"Joon-ah... Don't worry so much. Enjoy it, hmm? Sign the papers. Let's do this." He nodded and I brushed an invisible lint off his coat. "About that offer to stay in bed all day..."

"Yeah?"

"Does it still stand?" I asked. "We still have three hours."

"We best make our way home then," he said as he quickly shoved everything back in the basket. "Besides this is still private property and we might get arrested if someone saw us here."

"Well... There's our free publicity anyway," I joked, making him laugh out loud.

## Sangam-dong, Mapo-gu

## Seoul

## October 2013

## Na Jeong

"Did you really move in today? There is no dust! Not a single speck," Yoon Jin asked as she looked at the bookcases in front of her. "By the way, what are you looking for?"

I continued through the box to no avail. Kneeling on the floor, I was surrounded by boxes.

"If it's not here, it's gone," I said in frustration.

Yoon Jin continued perusing the bookshelf when she spotted something and released a surprised breath.

"Oh my, what is this? You still have this? Oh my God. Such young flower boys," she said incredulously. "Yah. Moon Gyeong Eun was super skinny."

Figuring that she found the Akaraka book on the shelf, I was still looking in the box when I responded.

"Yah yah yah... Don't drool and look at it carefully. That is my household's most treasured possession." I spied a black videotape on the bottom and lifted it up with a smile. "I found it!"

I examined the tape in my hands with a smile on my face for a few seconds. In front of me I saw Yoon Jin's eyes dart to some activity behind me and followed her gaze to see Sook Sook grab the iPad from the table and walked towards the apartment door.

"YAH YAH YAH... Where are you going?" I asked my not-so-little brother and he came back to peek his head behind a pillar.

"Hello!" He greeted Yoon Jin. "I'm going out for a while."

I watched as he quickly left the apartment still wearing his uniform and turned to Yoon Jin who was still looking at his back.

"Wow, Sook Sook has gotten so much bigger. It feels like yesterday when he surprised me. Does he study well?"

I stood up and walked over to the television and plopped myself down in front of it before responding.

"Do you think he would do well?" I asked as I turned the power on the VHS player on. "He says he's all grown up, he doesn't listen... Growing hair on his lips and chin. It's so gross."

"It's been awhile seeing that video," Yoon Jin said as I continued to dust the front of the VHS player. "What's with the video all of a sudden? That's not, by any chance, the wedding video?"

"Yeah," I responded with a smile. "Sung Na Jeong's wedding tape." I raised my brows in triumph and Yoon Jin huffed.

"Like seriously!" She exclaimed, the yearbook still open in her hands. "Are you a newlywed that you are still watching it?"

I carried on flicking some dust off as I replied. "Not at all. I thought I lost it. I only found it the other day while packing for the move. I couldn't possibly see it then because it gives me goosebumps and makes me want to puke. Today is my first time."

"Do you have to see it at a housewarming party?" She asked as she continued browsing through the yearbook.

"Why not? It's nice... I can see my old self." I popped the tape into the player and waited for the tell-tale click.

"You probably look the worst. You wore this tiara because you wanted to wear Park Joo Mi's wedding dress or something."

My fingers grazed over the buttons on the player and was about to hit the Play button when I hesitated. "Should I not watch?" I asked Yoon Jin with a grimace. "It will be quite traumatic."

Yoon Jin said nothing but nodded in response instead. The phone rang and I quickly lifted myself off the floor to answer it. I looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Oppa calling and hit the receive call button and answered casually.

"What are you doing that you're not here yet? Did you get on the subway?"

"Yeah Na Jeong-ah... I just got on the subway."

"That's good. The traffic on Gangnam Northern Road is always heavy during rush hour. Since traffic starts from Han-nam Bridge, if you don't take Itaewon-ro in the middle, you are just stuck."

"It's a good thing I'm taking the train then. Transfer to Line 6 right?" He asked.

"Right," I replied. "Then transfer to Line 6 at Yaksu station. Thats the fastest way. Its DMC station. Also, buy me some coffee."

"Coffee? Okay I think there's a coffee place right by your place."

"Yoon Jin-ah, you don't drink coffee right? What do you want to drink?"

"Juice for me!" She responded as she sat on our leather couch and directed the remote control towards the screen.

"Get one orange juice and they have blueberry yogurt there." I softened my voice and sweetened my tone as I continued. "Have them take out the almonds and put 2 spoons of espresso..."

"Yah... I'm not doing all that. Am I Joon or something?"

"I got it... I got it... Just buy whatever you want. I understand. Sorry," I continued as Yoon Jin turned to look at me with a small smile under her cap. "Hurry!" I hung up the call and muttered, "I hate almonds..."

"Wow... Sung Na Jeong, you have completely turned into a Seoul person. You know Seoul like the back of your hand and order coffee like it's a piece of cake. You did pretty well for a Masan country girl."

"Chingu-ya..." I said as I braced my hands against the kitchen table, the only piece of furniture we kept from our first apartment. "This year I will have live in Seoul for 19 years. I have lived half my life in Seoul. Doesn't this make me a Seoul person?"

She continued to watch me, looking impressed, before turning back to the television and pointing.

"Thats true," she said readily. "Compared to that, you are a true Seoul person."

I followed her eyes and looked, aghast at what I saw. "Yah... What... What am I wearing on my head?"

"That's what I'm saying. Your Omma and I tried to talk you out of wearing that, but you said you absolutely must wear it. I don't remember where you got it from, though."

"Ahh... I know why I had to wear it," I said, suddenly remembering. "Joon's Appa gave me that as an engagement present. How could I not wear it?"

She nodded in thought before speaking. "Who called?"

"Oppa," I answered. "You know everyone from the boarding house was invited."

"I thought it was Joon."

"Yah... Why would I need to tell my husband how to get home and how I like my yogurt? Joon knows all that. Does that even make sense?"

"You're right. How did you two get the night without the kids anyway?" She asked me quizzically.

"Ahh... Joon's parents are watching them this weekend," I answered easily. "Yah... Press the pause button. I have to go to the bathroom. Joon should be back from the academy anytime now. He had a late meeting or something. "

## Jae Joon

I had just pulled into the parking space of our new apartment building when I heard a knock on the window. I turned to my left and saw four faces smiling at me, and I grinned back.

"You're just getting home now?" Haitai asked as I was opening the driver's side door.

Samcheonpo clapped a hand on my back and Binggrae and Jung Gook Hyung stood to one side talking about medicine, no doubt. Everyone had a drink in their hand and I wondered if they stopped at the coffee shop around the corner before coming over.

"Yeah," I answered as I leaned back in to grab my coffee and a brown paper bag. "I had a late meeting. You guys are just getting here?"

"Yoon Jin's already up there helping Na Jeong unpack," Samcheonpo said.

"Na Jeong is so stubborn." I shook my head. "I told her to wait until I got home. That woman... you'd think she didn't have a bad back or something."

"You knew that when you married her," Binggrae retorted. Everyone around him nodded and I chuckled. That's true.

It wasn't until we have reached the top of the stairs leading up the building that I realized I didn't have my house keys with me. With it being our first day at the apartment, I haven't even had a chance to put it in my keychain and I know exactly where it's at. In my jacket at work.

"Hyung, ring the bell please. I forgot my house key at work."

He nodded and pressed the buzzer. When someone had pressed the button, we all smiled and were let in. I led everyone to our door and into the apartment, where after sharing some greetings the men retreated to the living room with Yoon Jin.

Na Jeong had followed me to the kitchen and I dropped a kiss on her head before sticking the brown bag in the fridge.

"I think Oppa forgot my coffee," she complained as she eyed my now empty cup. "What did you just put in the fridge?"

"Blueberry yogurt. Just the way you like it. No almonds."

"Really?" She asked as she motioned for me to come closer. She dropped a peck on my lips and I grinned at her. "This is why I married you."

"Was that the only reason?" I teased.

"That and because I really really love you." She looked back at the men all sitting in our living room before she turned back to me. "Yah... How did you guys all arrive together?" She asked softly.

"They were just getting here as I was getting out of the car," I replied, wrapping my arms around her and nuzzling her neck. "What did I tell you about unpacking without me?"

"Yoon Jin was helping," she said. "Kim Jae Joon-ssi... You haven't even greeted your wife properly and you're already interrogating her?"

"Is that right?" I smiled as I leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss on her soft lips. "I'll greet you properly later. For now that would have to do."

She frowned at me for one second and I brushed her now short hair away from her face, letting my fingers graze her soft skin. The voices from the living room made me turn around to see Haitai and Samcheonpo seated on the floor, Binggrae and Jung Gook Hyung on the couch behind them and Yoon Jin on the love seat opposite them.

"Were the kids okay when you dropped them off earlier?" I asked and she nodded.

"Shin threw a bit of a tantrum when I was about to leave but Abonim distracted him with a camera or something," she reassured me. "Are terrible twos supposed to extend to five years old? He's lucky he has Hoon Oppa's face." She shrugged her shoulders. Our youngest has such a different personality from his two older brothers. "But Seon and Min... They were fine. You know those two..."

"Yeah... Have I told you today how much I love you?" I whispered.

"You have," she answered with a smile. "But not nearly enough."

"Well... I do. I love you."

"Me too. I really love you."

"Yah..." Hyung called out from the living room and Na Jeong and I both turned to look at him. "You subject us to your wedding video but neither of you are watching? The least you can do is come join us."

I reluctantly pulled my arms away from Na Jeong and walked in the direction of the living room. Seeing that she didn't immediately follow, I looked back to see her going to the bathroom. When she came back from the bathroom she gave me a sheepish smile.

"I forgot my phone," she explained and I shook my head.

Na Jeong nowadays can't live without her phone. We walked hand in hand to the living room where I sat myself down on the couch between Hyung sat and she sat down on the couch behind Yoon Jin. In front of us, Binggrae, Haitai and Samcheonpo sat on the floor.

I directed my attention between the conversation flowing around me and the video of our wedding. I don't believe we've ever seen this before. Na Jeong, on the other hand, couldn't be any more distracted as she opened the cover of her phone and started pressing on the screen furiously. I pulled my phone and wallet out of my pocket and laid them on the coffee table. When Yoon Jin saw my phone she started laughing and I looked at her questioningly.

"Couple phones, Chilbong-ah?" She asked incredulously and I smiled. "Are you guys sixteen or what?"

"What's wrong with that?" I asked. "We're a couple so we have couple phones." I looked over at Na Jeong and said, "Right, yeobo?"

She didn't even acknowledge me she was so distracted. Her eyes glued to whatever was going on her screen, she was muttering to herself. She was sitting on the couch with her legs up.

"Send me some hearts. Send me some hearts," she directed to no one in particular.

Samcheonpo, sitting on the floor between took his eyes off the screen to pull his phone from the pocket in his jacket and looked at her incredulously.

"Wow, she's a hip middle-age woman, who is persistent at giving love," he said, sounding a bit impressed. "Yah.. I told you not to send me hearts after sunset!"

Na Jeong just continued with her phone without responding to him. I was resting my head on my hand while my arm was propped up on the back of the couch and I listened in amusement.

"Ok. Start," she declared.

"I can't believe there are people who still play Anipang," Haitai said, taking a sip of his iced coffee.

"She gets a score of over 3,000,000," Yoon Jin retorted without looking away from the screen. "Na Jeong stays up all night every night to win first place at this."

"If she gets first place, what do they give her?" Hyung asked.

"Satisfaction of challenge and accomplishment?" Yoon Jin answered, looking directly at Hyung. "Pride?"

"Sung Na Jeong, she'll never be able to fix that habit. She's such a sore loser," Binggrae observed.

"Mmm...She can't fix it. She can't fix it," I agreed. "Yah... Because of that addiction, on the games, Everyone Marble, Candy Crush, Cookie Run and Magu Magu. She's first place in everything."

"I'm not first place in those games," Na Jeong said defensively, eyes fixed determinedly on her phone screen.

"She says she can't sleep because she lost to Sook Sook," Yoon Jin continued and Na Jeong frowned.

"AHH!! AIISSSH!!!" Na Jeong screamed in frustration, almost dropping her phone on her lap, and everyone turned to look at her. "I almost broke the record! I think I'll have to confiscate his cell phone. He can't study because everyday he's playing games. Playing games!"

"Can you show that kind of competitive spirit for something more productive?" Hyung asked, motioning his hands and tapped Binggrae on the shoulder.

"Where are the two of you going?" Na Jeong asked as Hyung and Binggrae stood up and started making their way to the door.

"Where do you think we go?" Hyung said.

"Among doctors, I'm sure there is no one who smokes as much as you!" Haitai commented.

"Yah yah yah... " Yoon Jin said. "There is the worst heavy smoker from our major." She sat up and looked more closely at the screen. I watched as Na Jeong watched as well.

"Congrats! Wow... The country bumpkin from Masan is getting married in Seoul. I give you my earnest congrats. Live well ok?"

Na Jeong looked at the person in disbelief. "She came, too? I don't remember inviting her."

"I invited her," Yoon Jin reminded her. "She and I are close because we are both from Yeosu. That kid, she's ok if you talk to her. It's just that she smokes too much."

"Yah... Do you think Superintendent Kwak Young Pyo will win the next election?" Haitai asked everyone and I looked at them blankly, not entirely knowing who they're talking about.

"If his son comes and make an appearance, I am sure he'll be elected," Yoon Jin responded.

"Thats what I mean. I heard he didn't come last time though." Haitai continued.

"Gosh... They hung up so many banners in Yeosu hoping that his son would visit."

"Yah... Who's Kwak Young Pyo?" I asked them, leaning my elbows on the pillow on my lap.

"The superintendent candidate for Jeonnam Education Department," Yoon Jin replied.

"How do you know even the Education Department candidate?" I questioned her.

"Why would I not know? Who's that guy... Oh, that actor Ji Sung. It's his dad."

"Ahhh...." I said. Finally a name I recognize.

"That Jong Mal, Baek Il Sub are also from Yeosu," Yoon Jin said with a little pride.

"Isn't Kim Kyeong Ho from Yeosu as well?" Na Jeong asked.

"Kim Kyeong Ho is from Sun Cheon," Yoon Jin and Haitai said simultaneously.

"I heard Yunho is also from Jeollado," Na Jeong said thoughtfully.

"Yunho is from Gwang Joo!" Yoon Jin and Haitai responded at the same time. Again.

"Yah... From back then on, this is the most fascinating to me," I said. "How do kids from the countryside memorize all that?"

This time four sets of eyes turned to me with a glare.

"It's not the countryside!" Samcheonpo, Na Jeong, Yoon Jin and Haitai all said together indignantly and I was taken aback.

I gave them all a sheepish smile and tried to ignore the dirty looks directed my way as I rubbed my right shoulder. Thank God Binggrae wasn't here or he probably would be glaring at me right now too.

## Na Jeong

I watched in silence as my husband of eleven years capitalized on his being the only one on the couch and laid himself down, stretching his long legs in front of him. I watched as his eyes closed and his long lashes flared onto high cheekbones. So pretty. Still, after all these years. He looks like he's barely aged any. So unfair.

Within a few minutes Oppa and Binggrae came back, and Oppa sat down on the end of the couch where Joon was lying and Binggrae found himself back on the floor. My attention was still on Joon, and I was still studying his face when I heard Haitai's voice. I directed my gaze to the television screen and brought one of my knees up towards my chest.

"What's his name?"

"Who?" Samcheonpo asked.

"Him, over there," Haitai said, referring to the guy in the video. "Him... Him..."

I looked at the screen and bit my nails as I tried to remember who the guy is. I should know who he is, but I don't. But I should. Somehow I get the feeling that I can never seem to remember his name.

"Oh.. Sung Na Jeong. Congratulations! Gosh... You've tried to weed out and pick the best one but finally you're going. Yah... There is no one who'll accept your foul temper except for your groom. Be good to your groom! Anyways... Congrats!"

I bristled in indignation at what he said. "That bastard... What did he say?"

"Yah, yah, yah... Talk nicely. You're about to turn 40 soon," Oppa said with a sigh.

"Yes... But what was that asshole's name?"

"What's that? Ah... I can't come up with his name right now. He was the representative for our major during our freshman year," Samcheonpo said.

"Yoon Jin-ah, what's his name?" I asked Yoon Jin when I saw her come out of the bathroom.

"Who?" Yoon Jin asked as she walked towards Joon, who had his eyes closed on the couch.

"Gosh... I guess he's really tired." She tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey... If you are going to sleep, go sleep in the room."

"Ah... Ah... I need to close my eyes for a bit," Joon responded as he got up, pushing his way between Samcheonpo and Haitai.

I watched as he sauntered over to our bedroom, slipping his sweater off. I admired the way his back moved under his white shirt and wondered if this was my cue to follow. I was still thinking about this when Haitai interrupted my thoughts.

"I used to tease him because he had the same name as some baseball player," he said, still talking about the still unnamed acquaintance.

"Exactly. It was some batter," Samcheonpo replied, thinking.

"Batter? That it could be Ryu Joong Il, Lee Kang Dong..." Oppa suggested.

"Wasn't it someone from the Ssangbangwool Raiders?" Samcheonpo interjected. "The guy who was good at hitting home runs."

The sound of the intercom ringing blared through the living room and I stood up to answer it.

"Who is it?"

"This is the security office. Please come and take your package," the ahjussi from the security office said.

"How many are there, ahjusshi?"

"You are in apartment 3303 right? One came from Sung Na Jeong and the other one..."

Behind me the conversation continued, and I vaguely heard Haitai, Samcheonpo and Oppa still arguing and trying to figure out who the person on the video was.

"Yes, they are for my house. That's my husband name," I replied to the security ahjussi with a smile. "I will be down shortly."

"Wow... I was really friendly with him. When he went to the army, I saw him off. He and I went to Rock Cafe so many times. There was a time when I was crazy about Rock Cafes," Haitai continued.

"So what's his name?" Samcheonpo insisted.

"Yah... If it was the Ssangbangwool Raiders' home run hitter then there is only one player," Oppa said smugly.

"I think I know too," Bing said with a smile.

"Why am I the only one who doesn't know?" Samcheonpo complained. "Aish, who is it?"

"His name is Kim Gi Tae," Haitai finally said and they all breathed a sigh of relief.

I walked out of our apartment and took the elevator down to the security office where there was a package sitting on the counter. The security man greeted me with a smile before motioning over the box.

"This is for Sung Na Jeong-ssi and this one is for... The Ahjussi's name is Kim..." he said, as he placed another package on the counter.

"Thats right, it's my husband's name. Thank you. Take care," I said.

I took the boxes and left the office before the Ahjussi had a chance to figure out that my husband was THAT Kim Jae Joon. Though I always welcomed any and all discussion about my husband and his former baseball career, the conversation always seems to take on a life of its own and I end up spending more than a half hour talking about Joon.

I opened the door carefully, trying to balance the boxes on my arms.

"How many did he buy seriously?" I said as I put the parcels down on the kitchen table. Joon had just came out of the room and sat himself back down on the couch next to Oppa.

"Did you get some sleep?" Oppa asked Joon.

"Yeah," he said and Oppa laughed. "What's so funny?"

"Yeobo, the mail came...." I said to Joon but didn't get a reply. "Yeobo..." I repeated, and still he didn't reply he was so focused on his conversation with the boys. "Yeobo..." This isn't working. "Yah! Kim Jae Joon!" I finally said loudly and the five men in the living room turned to look at me. Joon raised his eyebrows in question and I released a frustrated breath.

"Yeobo... Some stuff came for you. Why is it so heavy?" I asked. "What did you order?"

"Jerseys for the kids at the academy." He stood up from the couch and walked over to the kitchen. "You should have woken me up. I would have grabbed them for us," he said.

"You were exhausted," I answered with a hand on his face. "It wasn't that heavy."

He looked over his shoulder at our guests before dropping his voice. "I thought you were going to follow me to our bedroom," he said, his voice husky. "I took off my sweater hoping you'd get the hint."

"Joon-ah... We have guests," I chided him even as warmth suffused me.

"That never stopped you before," he responded back. At my incredulous look he added, "New Year's Eve 2001. Laundry room. At our old apartment."

He didn't have to remind me. I know what happened that night, or didn't happen more like. "Oh you mean the night we got engaged and you got so drunk with the men you were all passed out in the living room? That night?" I replied cheekily.

"Ahh, yes, I remember that too," he said, grabbing the package that came and walking quickly to our bedroom. I bit my lip to stop myself from laughing. Joon hates being reminded of that night.

## Jae Joon

I watched as Na Jeong walked to the coffeemaker that we had in the house to get herself a cup of coffee before she sat down at the kitchen table with it and her copy of her Lonely Planet Vietnam book. We are planning a trip to Vietnam next year, and my own copy remained a fixture on our bedside table in the bedroom. I'll trust Na Jeong to mark hers like she did our San Francisco book. I sat down and took the cup before she could even take a sip. This was an everyday thing with us, and she didn't even blink when she realized what I had done.

"You are not watching the wedding video?" I asked her.

"Don't you hear them making fun of it?" she said as she flipped a page.

"What did the groom put on his lips?" I heard Yoon Jin ask as Na Jeong sent a dirty look her way and stood up to get herself another cup of coffee.

"Who doesn't look like a bumpkin at their wedding?" Haitai asked as I turned Na Jeong's book towards me and started reading through what she's marked.

"Na Jeong, that wench... Should have added some breast pads. It's completely empty... Totally empty," Yoon Jin commented and Na Jeong glared at her again as she sat back down.

"Hasn't Sook Sook come back yet?" I asked my wife absently, while still reading the book.

"He told me that he will be back soon but he still hasn't come back," Na Jeong said slowly. "Ahh... This son of a bitch. Does he have a girlfriend or something? His college entrance exam is around the corner."

I raised my eyes to look at her directly. "What do you mean by son of a bitch? You have three kids," I chastised. "You should watch your language."

"Why? You told me that you like it in the past," she said with a frown.

"Even if I did, it's so annoying to hear it for 20 years," I said lightly. "I was too innocent back then because the only thing I did was playing baseball."

I felt Na Jeong's beautiful green eyes shooting daggers at me, much like she did at Binggrae's wedding so many years ago, and I looked up and felt myself squirm when my eyes met hers. I broke eye contact before I dared speak again. "Where would he possibly go at this hour? He has been coming home late these days."

"Who knows? He might be giving this and that to some girl right now, like a freak," Na Jeong responded with a pointed look at me.

"What?" I asked innocently. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"I should have known you would set a bad example to Sook Sook," she said. "Please don't tell me you told him your 'Women like Grand Gestures' theory." When I looked away again and didn't respond, she gasped. "Aha! I knew it! What did I tell you about that?"

"WHAT?" I asked again. "You married me didn't you?"

She gave me a sheepish smile before she nodded. "That's true."

"Na Jeong-ah..." I started and she responded with a hmm. "You'll stop cursing in front of people, right?" I asked gently. "Or at least tone it down some."

"Why? Why should I do that?" she asked stubbornly.

"Yeobo... Think about it," I asked. "I'm tired of having to explain to people why all our kids knew how to say 'son of a bitch' before the age of four."

She looked like she was about to protest again when the front door opened and Sook Sook walked in, talking to someone on the phone.

"I am already here, Omma," I heard him say. There was silence as I assumed Omma was speaking back to him. "Who said I saw a girlfriend? Did noona tell you that?" he asked indignantly. "I don't know...' he said before he saw everyone in the living room. "Hello..."

"Oh you came? You are a senior, how can you be playing around?" Binggrae asked.

"Yah... Sung Joon, you should come home early," Samcheonpo advised.

"I guess you are ready for your college entrance exam?" I asked him.

Haitai waved him off as I watched Hyung come out of the bathroom, saying, "Oh... Sook Sook is here? Eat your food quickly," he urged as he patted Sook Sook's butt affectionately. "Quickly."

"Nae Hyung, Omma wants to talk to you," he said as we all turned to look at him. He held out the phone and I stood up again to take the call. I raised my eyebrows at Sook Sook questioningly, wondering if I was about to be lectured, but he did nothing but shrug his shoulders. I placed the phone to my ear and took a deep breath.

"Yes, Omma?"

## Na Jeong

"Yah... I don't think 1 squid is going to be enough. You should cook 3 or 4 more," Yoon Jin suggested.

"Did they come to a housewarming party to eat?" I asked irritatedly.

"They should just nicely pour beer into their throat!" I watched as Oppa walked over to the fridge and took out a bottle of mayonnaise. "Oppa, pass me the mayonnaise from there."

"Mayonnaise," he said, as he handed me the bottle. "There isn't much left."

"Aissh, that's annoying. Go to the store for me."

"Give it to me. Let me try," he said and squeezed the bottle until I felt something cold over my left eye.

"Are the squids going to take longer? Hurry up and bring them over," Yoon Jin called out from the living room.

"Na Jeong, don't blow out of your nose," Oppa said to me as he took a condiment bowl and scooped the mayonnaise from my eye. I closed my eyes tightly. "Ok... done. Oppa is sorry..." he said as he put the bowl down and walked off with it.

Joon, who was calmly watching us from the living room, stood up and intercepted the bowl from Oppa's hand with a frown before bringing it back to the kitchen and straight into the sink. He leaned down and brushed a hand over where the mayonnaise was with a frown.

"Do you need me to cook the squid, yeobo?" he asked me, his eyes grazing over my face and I felt myself blush. Every single time he looks at me like this I still feel self-conscious, as I haven't been married to the man for years.

I shook my head no and he sauntered back to the living room to join the boys on the floor for a card game.

I finished grilling the squid quickly and walked to the living area from the kitchen with the plate of grilled squid. I placed it on the coffee table and noticed that only Yoon Jin remained sitting and watching the video, now with the couple that Oppa and I helped fix up so many years ago, wishing me luck and thanking me for the matchmaking I made. Wow... I was really awesome then.

"All of you are not focusing on my sacred wedding scene?" I asked them as I sat down on the floor.

"Yah... It's not a sacred but a freaking funny video. I think I have to borrow this tape when I feel depressed," Yoon Jin responded as I started lifting all the beer cans from the coffee table.

"What? All the beers are gone?" I asked in disbelief.

"They drank a lot," Yoon Jin responded. "Oh my... How many cans have they already finished?"

"Aissh... I haven't even started yet. Yeobo, go buy some more beer." Here we go again. The guys didn't pay me any attention and kept playing their game. Oppa turned around slightly but my husband didn't even flinch. "Yah... Kim Jae Joon, I said to go get some more beer before I turn that game table upside down!" At the threat Joon finally looked up.

"Ayeee... If that lady say she would turn it upside down, she will really do it right?" Haitai asked. "Yah... Why don't you learn from Yoon Jin? She was going so nuts in the past but now, after meeting a nice husband, she is now such a gentle woman."

"Bullshit," Yoon Jin said as she chewed on a piece of dried fish.

"Give me money," I heard Oppa say. "36 million 500 thousand won."

"What are you doing," Haitai laughed as he started getting up off the floor. "Let's go get some beer and fresh air."

"Give me money before leaving," Oppa insisted to Haitai.

"Ah... What are you talking about?" Haitai answered as he helped Oppa up. "It was so close."

"Yeobo," I said as I noticed Joon's wallet on the table. "Aren't you taking your wallet?"

I threw the wallet to see Joon catch it with one hand, and I smiled at him. It seems the pitcher can do more than throw.

"Nice catch!" Oppa said.

It was the last thing I heard before the men left the apartment, and I kept on watching the video with Yoon Jin.

"Wow... I was so pretty right?" I asked her as I leaned into her shoulder.

## Jae Joon

We were all sitting in the living room watching the video, except for Samcheonpo, who was walking to the refrigerator, seemingly in search of something specific. Yoon Jin called out to him, but he didn't respond right away, so focused he was on finding what he was looking for.

"Na Jeong ah..." I finally heard him call from the refrigerator. "Is this all you have?"

"Why?" I asked. "What are you looking for?"

"Choco Milk," he responded with a smile.

"Yah!" Haitai exclaimed. "What choco milk... When you are how old? Act your age!"

"Yah... He is young," Yoon Jin said defensively. "You know he is 2 years younger than us. My husband doesn't drink plain milk. He only drinks choco, banana or strawberry milk." She turned to Samcheonpo. "How old is my honey?"

"I am 37 years old!" Samcheonpo said with aegyo, before Joon threw a can towards his head successfully and I almost shouted out in glee. My husband's been out of baseball for five years and he still has it.

"Hey..." Binggrae pointed the knife that he was using to peel the apple out to Joon. "You did not see this?"

"Yah... I did not see it," Joon responded. "If I had, I would have thrown that..."

Yoon Jin started teasing all of us of being jealous since she has a younger husband and I commented that it must be nice. We all looked at Oppa and told him that he looked much younger now, too, when before, he looked much older than his years. Oppa was still talking about how his patients all think he's thirty years old when Joon snaps his fingers and brought all of our attention back to the video that we just started replaying.

"Here," he said. "The groom is entering."

"Oh right! We'll be able to see on the video," Yoon Jin said. "All the guys are in the video. So, let's see who looked the youngest!"

"Yah... It's not your husband," Haitai said.

"Yah Yoon Jin, there is your young husband over there," Binggrae pointed out.

"He is world class at looking older than his age," Joon teased.

"How on earth... " Haitai mused. "What kind of medicine did he eat wrongly?"

"Didn't people think he was Yoon Jin's uncle or something?" I finally said.

"Be quiet, you jerks," Samcheonpo commanded. "The present is the most important. The past has no use what-so-ever."

"Wow, the groom takes such wide steps..." Yoon Jin said, sending a smile Joon's way. "Full of energy! Of course, this was a long anticipated day." She continued to watch for a few minutes before turning her attention back to Joon. "Yah... Groom! How did you endure it for so long when you like her so much?"

"Yah! I was pretty!" I said unabashedly. " Even in my eyes, I look pretty. How must have the groom felt?"

"Truthfully, what woman doesn't look pretty at that age?" Yoon Jin asked.

"I know," I conceded. "Look how nice my complexion was in my 20s."

"Yah... Isn't that player Kim Jae Hyeon?" Haitai asked.

"Oh... You are right," Joon said. He turned to me and asked, "He came to the wedding?"

"I don't know," I said. "I wasn't thinking clearly then." And I wasn't. I was three months pregnant, in a big white dress with a tiara on, and Lee Sang Min was at my wedding.

"Wow... He was really good looking," Oppa said. "Player Kim Jae Hyeon was a total superstar while we were in college."

"Geez... I don't think much of him. My husband is way more handsome," I said truthfully and all the guys sheeshed. "Jagiya..." I said with aegyo and all the men turned around.

I winked at them and I didn't even notice everyone else's reactions as they all took turns sending me some aegyo back. I did, however, notice my husband's response, since he not only winked at me, but clawed his hands in like he was about to bite me. Is this what we are playing tonight?

## Jae Joon

"Yah.. Yah... Yah... Stop drinking," my wife urged Yoon Jin. "You are going to babble after drinking like this, aren't you?"

"Yah. I did that when I was younger," Yoon Jin protested. "I don't do that these days. By the way, Na Jeong-ah, can we drink that?" I followed Na Jeong's eyes to the ginseng liquor on the shelf.

"We can't," she said. "That is not just any liquor. My dad waited for 20 years to drink that. Waiting for Seoul Twins to win again."

"But at least his team made it to the offseason playoffs," Haitai said.

"Yeah... Ranking 2nd place overall. Should be worth drinking that," Binggrae added and I watched as Na Jeong shook her head at all of them.

"Hey, how long are we going to wait for his team to win again?" Hyung asked.

"Seoul Twins fan were truly happy this year," Samcheonpo continued pitifully.

"Tsk... Since when were you fans of Seoul Twins, you country bumpkins?" Na Jeong asked.

"Yah, that's right," I said to Na Jeong. "Let's just have it. He wouldn't know if we pour soju in after drinking it." I motioned my head quickly towards the bottle and my wife smiled.

"Right?" she asked me and I grinned back at her as Yoon Jin started pouring shots.

"Besides, they won the championship five years ago, when Chilbong retired," Haitai said. "But Appa forbade us to touch it then too. Saying that Chilbong retiring is nothing to celebrate."

I shook my head at the memory and downed my shot. We all were drinking happily until Yoon Jin answered a phone call from her mother in law regarding Halmoni's wedding. When I told them what I remembered of Halmoni, they all started laughing at the story that I was told. Apparently only part of what she told me was true, and I started shaking my head at my youthful naiveté back in 1994.

We watched as Kim Min Jong and Samcheonpo performed the wedding performance and I look over at my wife, who watched with a small smile on her face. Truly, one of the happiest days of my life passed by in such a blur I don't even remember half the things that happened. But I do remember how beautiful my bride looked, and how lovingly she looked at me then, and now.

I listened absently as Yoon Jin talked about the galbi that Na Jeong's Appa sent to Kim Min Jong for years in preparation for her wedding. I remembered the look on her face as she sang and clapped along to the wedding performance. I am still as in love with her now as I was with her then, maybe even more so, every time I see her in our children's eyes.

Yoon Jin complaining about her team leader snapped me back to reality and I tuned in just in time to hear Samcheonpo's voice.

"That bitch! She is a total bitch!" Samcheonpo cursed out loud and we all turned to look at him.

"Hey, if she is working by herself and needs help finding files, sending messages..." Haitai tried to say and Samcheonpo glared at him.

"She still shouldn't do that, though!" Samcheonpo responded hotly. "She should take care of her own work by herself! She really is a bitch! Give it to me," he told Yoon Jin. "Give me your cell phone! I really won't hold back today!"

"Fine. Try it. Give her a call," Na Jeong said.

"Seriously! Does she know what time it is right now?" Samcheonpo continued. "Really! She is doing this because she is jealous of my Yoon Jin's prettiness!"

"Hey, hey! Do it in moderation! Moderation!" I teased, but Samchonpo wouldn't listen.

"Just because Yoon Jin is dealing with it and not saying anything, she is belittling her! You know how she is. My Yoon Jin can be a really scary person! You know..."

"Stop it! Stop it!" Na Jeong insisted.

"She is someone who would pour out cyanide. She is someone who would make Jukgal with intestines," Samcheonpo insisted. "I have to tell her off! I can't take it anymore! Hold on! This is her. This is her, right? Bald Dog Meat, right? I'm going to kill her!"

We all held our breaths as he made the phone call and the call was answered. In typical Samcheonpo fashion, as soon as the team leader got on the phone his voice turned soft and we all shook our heads.

"Oh. Excuse me, Team Leader? Have you been well?" He paused. "Oh, yes. Yoon Jin is currently sleeping so I read the Kakao Talk message. If it's something urgent, should I wake her up? Yes... You're okay, right?"

We all waited as Samcheonpo spoke to Yoon Jin's Team Leader and listened for the moment when he tells her off. Which never happened. He merely hung up the phone respectfully after and we continued to tease his soft nature as we continued drinking.

## Na Jeong

"Hey, hey, your couple's membership dues for this month haven't gone through yet.  
The two of you, 300,000 won. Hurry up and pay," I told Yoon Jin and Samcheonpo, who were still sitting on the floor.

"We paid," he responded. "It really didn't go through?" He turned to Yoon Jin. "Honey. You didn't pay the membership? I told you to do it yesterday."

"I forgot," Yoon Jin replied. "It was so hectic preparing for today's house warming party. Honey, 300,000 won. Let's give it to her while we see her."

"I don't have enough cash. I'll send it through the Internet later when I get home," Samcheonpo said.

"Hey. Are you still managing the household expenses?" Joon asked. "Just give it to Yoon Jin. Have the woman manage it."

I smiled at my husband. Because of my awesome number skills he hasn't had to balance our household budget in years.

"I can't," Samcheonpo replied. "If I leave it to her, we'll be in big trouble. We'll all end up living in the street.

"Geez, is there even something to manage?" Yoon Jin asked incredulously. "With your tiny wages... There's nothing to even manage or not."

I listened in amusement as they continued to bicker with each other before they got Haitai involved. Haitai defended himself at least by saying he has job security working for the government.

"Ah, I'm a bit hungry," Haitai said, and looked at Binggrae. "Yah! Why don't you buy this time?"

"Why should I?" Binggrae asked.

"What do you mean, "Why should I"?" Haitai huffed. "Are you going to continue to pretend ignorance?"

"Hyung-nims are here, why should I buy?" Binggrae insisted.

"Wow, do you take after Sung Gyun now?" Haitai continued to prod. "Cheap bastard. If so, then today will be Chilbong's treat. No complaints, right?" He asked everyone. "No complaints?"

"Hey, hey... I have a complaint. Why, all of sudden, do I have to buy?" Joon protested.

"Hey, hey. It's fine," Oppa said. "Forget it. I'll buy it. You guys are always mooching off me."

"Wow. Since it's getting late, I'm craving some jokbal," Haitai said. "Isn't that right?"

"I want bossam," Samcheonpo said.

"Me, too!" Yoon Jin added.

"You guys are nuts! You're really trippin'. Aigoo... Aigoo..." I said as I stood up to get our takeout binder from the drawer. "Joon. Here." I handed the binder to my husband and sat back down.

"Okay, what shall we order?" He said before looking at me. "You don't eat jokbal or bossam."

"Ddukbokki!" I said.

He nodded his head once. "Ddukbokki..." He pulled his phone out and pressed a number on his speed dial setting. "Yes, it's the snack store, right? I'm in Sangam-dong. You know the World's Cup apartment complex, right? Yes... Past that Nurikum Square..." I heard him say as he walked off to place the order in peace. "Yes. Yes. One large serving of jokbal and ddeokbokki as well."

"Yah, we don't have any booze... order 2 bottles of soju, too," Oppa called after him.

"Oppa! Stop drinking alcohol. Haaa. Just goes crazy over alcohol," I complained. I still remember the last few times they all drank soju together, and this time, none of the women were here to help me. "YAH!" I screamed to my husband. "Don't order any alcohol!"

*****

Jae Joon

Once I placed the order we continued to watch the video as Yoon Jin complained to about their financial situation and berated Bing for not treating. Binggrae defended himself by saying that he didn't open the practice on his own but with a group and that their expenses are high.

"Even so, you will make more money than us. Do you think anyone can be a white-collar worker's wife? It's tough, really tough," Yoon Jin said despairingly.

"Hey, but it's a major company," I said. "You also get the bonus at the end of the year."

"Aigoo, bonus, my ass," she replied. "As soon as the bonus comes out, I don't know how the bank knows, but like a ghost, the bank takes it all. If we want to repay the loan on the lease, from now on, we have to tighten our belts for about ten more years."

Na Jeong and I patted Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin at the same time. Talks continued about the book Samcheonpo published, with Hyung saying that he's seen a few copies at the hospital and Yoon Jin balked and criticized her husband for his choice in title.

"We have it at our house too," Na Jeong said, pointing to the bookshelf. "Over there! So, have you guys earned 100,000,000 won?"

"Sure, we made 100,000,000 won. But we have 300,000,000 won in debt," Yoon Jin sighed. "Looking again then, our Haitai is the best. Civil servants are steel rice cookers. For us, we worry about what to eat after paying debts after we invested here and there. Looking again then, Haitai, you have it so good. Isn't it a lifetime employment? Lifetime employment?"

"I got 1,700,000 won as my monthly wage," Haitai bemoaned.

"Oh, is that so?" Yoon Jin asked curiously.

"Yah, so why did you chuck that good job?" Samcheonpo asked Haitai.

"Tell me about it," Haitai answered.

"By the way, Na Jeong," he said. "On the shelf... What is that on my book?"

Na Jeong looked at the bookshelf before responding. "What? Which one?"

"That..." Samcheonpo pointed. "That baseball."

"That's got quite a story," Yoon Jin said.

"YAH!!" Binggrae, Na Jeong, Haitai and Hyung exclaimed simultaneously when I realized I should probably say something too.

"Yah," I added belatedly.

"Ah, this girl," Hyung muttered looking at Yoon Jin.

"Ah ha ha," I said, trying to change the subject. "Where did my cell phone go?"

Samcheonpo continued asking what the deal was with the baseball before Yoon Jin whispered something in his ear. I thought I heard Hyung threatening Samcheonpo with a metal pipe and Yoon Jin trying to intervene.

"Oppa!" I heard Na Jeong yell. "Ah, seriously..."

While all this was going on, I walked over to our book shelf and picked up my baseball. Memories of how it has passed hands came back to me and I gave a small smile. I could vaguely hear them still behind me arguing and talking about calling the police, but I was lost in my thoughts and didn't pay them any mind. I held it in my hand for a few more minutes before I turned back to Hyung, who was now back sitting on the couch.

"Hyungnim," I said respectfully, as was befitting to call someone my wife considered an older brother.

"What?" He asked and I threw the ball gently. He looked at the baseball and I knew that he was thinking about our history as well. He smiled at me, and I smiled back.

*****

Na Jeong

The food finally came and we put all of it on the coffee table. Samcheonpo was feeding Yoon Jin and Haitai was teasing them about still liking each other this much after twenty years and Joon and I just shared a smile. We only had eleven, but we were still crazy about each other too. Yoon Jin was telling Haitai off when I heard the intercom ring.

"Who is it?" I asked as I walked over to the intercom. "What's going on at this hour?"

"Who is it at this late hour?" I heard my husband ask from behind me.

"Omma and Appa," I said over my shoulder.

"For what occasion at this hour?" Oppa asked.

"Did something happen?" Yoon Jin added in concern.

"As if there'd be any problem!" I responded. "They live the next town over and probably came to nag us."

I pressed the button to let them in and within minutes, my parents entered. I looked at Appa and narrowed my eyes when I saw that he was wearing his Twins jacket.

"Aigoo, Appa! Take off your jacket! How long has it been since baseball's been over?" I asked, knowing that he retired a year after Joon did, which means it's been four years for him.

"Gashina..." Appa answered. "Do you know what kind of historic meaning this has for me? Gashina. Even if I die, I'll be wearing this!"

Appa and Omma turned to greet the rest of our guests. "Hello!"

"Hello!" The gang responded as they all stood up to greet my parents.

Omma gave Yoon Jin an affectionate hug before directing her attention back to the gang. "Hey, guys. As your father got this jacket from the club, he likes it so much that he even sleeps in it too. He must be really proud of this," she said before looking at all of us. "Aigoo. These guys really got together!"

Within a few minutes Appa had just ordered all of us to sit back down when we all heard a noise coming from the apartment upstairs.

"What is that noise?" Omma asked. "Don't you hear that noise?"

"Aigoo, the upstairs family has started again," I responded. "It's like this every weekend, or so the former tenants said. They should educate the kids."

"Is your apartment like a soccer field or something?" Appa yelled. "What the hell kind of household is that? Then our upstairs neighbour is as serene as a Buddhist temple compared to those people. A temple!"

"But, Appa, what brings you here at this hour?" Joon asked.

"There's something I completely forgot," Appa answered with a sheepish grin.

"What is it, Appa?" Oppa asked.

"I'd also completely forgotten about it," Omma added.

"I know. Remembering now what happened 20 years ago," Appa said fondly " ...Is pretty good, huh? It isn't anything really, just the ginseng liquor."

All of us looked at one another in alarm and I sent Joon an I'm-going-to-kill-you look.

"My ginseng liquor," Appa continued. "You see. In 1994, when the Seoul Twins won the Championship, I made it to remember the occasion. Remember I made a huge bottle of ginseng liquor? But while we were moving, That..." He looked at me. "We left it in her care and completely forgot about it." When I didn't move, Appa glared at me. "What are you doing? Go get the ginseng liquor, so I can go home quickly." I looked at Oppa and Joon in alarm. Appa will kill all of us. "What are you doing? Quickly get it, so I can have a drink and go to sleep!"

"Aboji, but... But these days... What is that? With the training... Year-end training and with trade and things, I know you must be busier than during the season. Is it really time for you to be drinking alcohol?" Oppa said smoothly and Joon adopted his most complacent look and nodded as well.

"Geez! You punk! Then is it a time for me to be dancing like this?" Appa yelled and looked at me again. "What are you doing? Go get the liquor! I want to have a drink and watch the sports news."

"Ah, aish! That family is being too much, really!" I complained as I tried to divert his attention. "Aigoo!"

The gang repeated the expression behind me and Appa looked at me in annoyance.

"Ah, you wench, you're really being too much! Hurry up and get it!"

"AHHH. I can't take it anymore," I answered instead, pretending I didn't hear him. "Appa, let's go at them this once. They must really be crazy, the upstairs people. Appa come with me!"

I grabbed Appa's arm only to have him resist. "No, why should I get involved in your family's fight?" He asked. "I'm not going!"

"Don't you know about fights caused by noise by neighbours? Appa, what if I go alone as a woman and get assaulted?" I pleaded with him.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked.

"Just go with me this once," I begged.

"Ohh, I don't know about this, gashina," Appa said uncertainly and I continued to drag him to the door while signalling at Joon to take care of the liquor. Finally, Appa relented and I was able to convince him to come with me.

"I'll be back! I'll be back after a good fight!" I called out as we were exiting our apartment.

*****

Jae Joon

I was finally able to breathe a sigh of relief when I saw Na Jeong exit the apartment with Appa. Omma turned to me with a frown on her face before speaking.

"You're only living here until the house is built, right?" She asked and turned towards Bing when his phone rang. "They're really noisy and your kids are still young."

I nodded in response as I was still thinking about how to sneak the liquor bottle back to the kitchen to top it up. Binggrae walked off to answer his call and Omma watched him.

"It's a good thing we remembered the liquor as well, and since we were coming here to pick up Sook Sook for the weekend anyway," Omma said absently. "But can't I get a cup of coffee in this house?"

"Yes, Omma. Just a moment," I answered and while she was distracted brought the liquor bottle back to the kitchen before I grabbed a cup of coffee for her.

She said her thanks before Binggrae asked if she will still be here when he came back, to which Omma responded that they'll be leaving once they collect the liquor and Sook Sook. Binggrae made his way out the door quickly after telling all of us that he'll be back and closed the door quietly behind him. After Bing left, Haitai continued eating.

"Today, this place tastes good. I think this restaurant's cooking comes and goes," he commented. "Hey, who did Binggrae go to meet?"

"Who would you go to meet at this hour? You think he would go to meet his parents or his homeroom teacher?" Yoon Jin asked back. "If you think about it, doesn't an answer come to mind?"

"Ahhh... It must be Jin Yi Unnie," Haitai finally said.

"Yah," Samcheonpo replied. "Who else would he be meeting at this hour but his wife?"

## Na Jeong

"They were too noisy, Appa," I said, trying to keep my father's mind away from the liquor. I hope Joon got my hint.

"Okay, gashina."

"Ah, seriously," I muttered as I heard more noise coming from the apartment. I rang the bell and waited for a response.

"Who is it?" A voice called out from inside the apartment.

"Oh, we're from downstairs," I answered.

"They'll think we're husband and wife," Appa said.

Before I can think of a response the door was opened by a young looking woman, holding a spatula in her hand.

"Aigoo. Hello," she said. "It's my first time giving my greetings. What is it about?"

"Well," I started hesitantly. "It's so loud, so it's hard for us to live normally."

Our upstairs neighbour expressed her apologies and explained that since she and her husband are a long distance couple their child was excited to see her father. I softened a bit when I remembered all of the days that Joon came home after a long week on the road. I softened even more when I noticed her accent.

"No, it's okay," I said. "That's expected from children. You're a weekend couple, I see. But, you seem to be from Gyeongsang Province."

"Yes, I'm from Busan..." she replied.

"I'm from Masan," I informed her with a smile.

"Masan!" She exclaimed as she opened the door wider to let us in. "Aigoo, I thought your dialect... Come in for a bit and have some coffee."

"Then, should we?" I asked as I entered the apartment.

"The person next to you is your father, right?"

"Let's go," I told Appa as I led him into the apartment, only to see our neighbour studying him closely.

"You seem really familiar," she said to him.

Appa agreed that she also looked familiar and I was just asking him if that was so when our neighbour yelled loudly for her husband.

"Honey, our neighbours are here. Say hello," she yelled pleasantly.

"It's okay," I said when she received no response. "It's fine."

"But, still it'll be better to know our faces and say our greetings. Yeobo! Yeobo!" Still no response and I fully empathized. I've lost count of how many times I have to call for Joon when he's distracted. "Yah, Yoon Yoon Jae, what are you doing, not getting your butt out here right now? I ought to just break every bone in..."

"Her temper is really dirty," Appa observed. "She is similar to you..."

Our neighbour asked Appa to clarify and Appa merely said "nothing" in response. I heard a voice coming from the hallway before a handsome young man came into view, holding a baby.

"I'm coming," he said. "Don't yell, you're embarrassing me."

"Why aren't you coming out fast?" She asked. "Give your greetings they're our neighbours from the lower floor."

"Oh, hello. Nice to meet you," he said to me before directing his attention to Appa. "Are you perhaps Coach Sung Dong Il?"

His wife repeated my Appa's name before Appa asked her husband how he knew of him.

"I heard about it a lot from my father-in-law," he said. "That you have the same name as my father-in-law. Oh," he said as if just now remembering something. "He's inside right now. Aboji!" He called out. "Come over here, Aboji!"

"Appa, hurry and come out," his wife called out and I was taken aback when I saw that her father did not only share a name with my Appa, but a face as well.

"Ah. It's so frustrating," my neighbours Appa complained. "What are you calling about? Why do you keep calling?! What will you do if the neighbours complain about the noise? Damn it..."

"Appa, you're the one who's loud," his daughter told him and it was only then that he noticed us in the entryway.

"Oh my. Who is this?" He said happily. "Isn't it Dong Il Hyung!"

"Wow," Appa said. "Hey, Dong Il... You... How are we meeting at a place like this?"

"Is it someone you know?" I asked, turning to my Appa.

"Ah, not just someone I know. We played together, and our family name's root is the same. He is a distant cousin, he's a younger brother," Appa told me before looking back at his cousin. "Ah, you punk. By the way, I heard a rumour, that your daughter married really well. His occupation is a jud... Judge, I think they said."

"Ayi... Me too," my uncle said. "I also heard some rumours. I heard your daughter married an awesome guy too. Very famous... He is. Oh, right. Since it's been so long let's go in and have some drink, and talk a bit," he said as he wrapped an arm affectionately around Appa's shoulder. "Come this way, come."

I watched in disbelief as my Appa walked off into the apartment as if he'd been there before. I could hear their voices reminiscing about how long it's been when my neighbour turned to her husband and told him to make coffee.

"Come in and have some coffee," she said with a smile. "My husband makes great coffee."

"Okay. My husband was going to come right now..." I said, hoping that Joon will, indeed, come up since I'm not back yet.

"Ah, is that so?" She asked.

"Yes," I answered with a nod.

## Jae Joon

After I fixed the liquor, thanks to the distraction provided by Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin, I sat down and realized that my wife has been gone for more than fifteen minutes. I hope that there wasn't much trouble upstairs. I knew Na Jeong's temper can explode in an instant.

I excused myself from our guests and quickly took the elevator up. I saw no one at the doorway and worried that the altercation has been continued inside the apartment. I straightened out my shirt and my pants and lifted my hand to ring the bell.

I heard a few voices from the other side of the door before it opened. A pretty woman in her 30's stood in the entryway with my wife, who gave me a grateful smile.

"Hello. Oh. Are you?" She asked and I put my most cordial smile on and held out my hand.

"Yes," I responded. "I'm her husband. I'm Kim Jae Joon."

"Ki... Kim... Jae Joon?" She asked as her mouth dropped open. "#77?" I nodded. "Appa! Yeobo!" She screamed out suddenly and Na Jeong took a step back in surprise. "KIM JAE JOON IS HERE! KIM JAE JOON THE BASEBALL PLAYER! COME HERE RIGHT NOW!"

## Na Jeong

We finished a cup of coffee at our neighbours' before we finally left. Appa was still catching up with his old teammate with the command to tell Omma to take a cab home with Sook Sook and that he'll be home later. It seems that all the fuss about the ginseng liquor has been forgotten and all this trouble has been for nothing.

"Joon-ah," I said. "I will never let any of you talk me into touching that liquor again. It will just be our luck that the next time we try to drink it Appa will remember that we still have it."

He took my hand securely in his before he nodded. We continued walking hand in hand towards the elevator when I noticed he was still in his office clothes.

"Yah... What was that late meeting you texted me about earlier? And what meeting at the academy would require you to dress up?"

"Ahh... An entertainment management company set up a meeting for one of their actors after hours," I responded. "I thought I should probably dress up a little since it sounded so formal."

"Who was it with? Is it someone I know?" Na Jeong asked.

"Ahh... His name is Yoo Yeon Seok. I don't think he's done a lot of dramas but I looked up his work, and he was in that film with Song Joong Ki... 'A Werewolf Boy' I think."

"That name sounds familiar now," she said as we waited for the elevator. "I remember now! He's the bad guy that you always wanted to beat up whenever he was on screen."

"Ahh... Yes," I responded as I stepped into the elevator. "But you know... He looks okay in real life." I turned to look at my wife as we waited to arrive on our floor. "Yah... Do you think he's handsome?"

"Yes," she said without hesitation as she stepped out of the elevator before she turned around back to face me. "But not as handsome as you." I smiled before I slung an arm over her shoulder. "But Joon-ah... Why would he need to meet with you?"

"He's going to be in a drama based on 1994 and he'll be playing a pitcher," I said. "He wants to take lessons from me before they start filming next month."

"Very smart choice," Na Jeong said. "Are you going to do it?"

"Probably," I said. "He looks like a good kid."

"Joon-ah," Na Jeong said as we reached our door. "You still haven't greeted me properly."

"I know. We have to wait until everyone's gone," I told her teasingly.

"I think you need to get rid of them now," she said, referring to our guests. "Seeing that baby upstairs made me miss having a baby in my arms." She turned her pretty green eyes at me and fluttered her lashes. "It made me miss having one of YOUR babies in my arms. Plus we're running out of time to win our bet. You don't want to lose to Samcheonpo, do you.... Joon-ie Oppa?"

This woman knows too many things about me, I thought as I quickly thought of excuses to send everyone home RIGHT NOW. I was still thinking when the door opened and everyone started piling their way out the door, all dressed up with their coats and belongings.

"Are you guys going?" I asked.

"Hey, it's already 11 PM," Haitai answered. "Hey, let's go. We've been here too long," he said to Samcheonpo.

"Yeah, it's very late," Samcheonpo said and Yoon Jin agreed.

"Hey, isn't it physically and emotionally tiring to be a newly wedded couple at your old age?" She asked us.

"That's why you should have just gotten married earlier," Binggrae said drily.

"Aigoo, be quiet," Haitai added hurriedly. "Let's hurry and leave. Ae Jung is waiting."

Na Jeong and I bid them safe travels home when Hyung came out of the apartment with Omma and Sook Sook.

"Hyung are you leaving too?" I asked.

"Yeah... I'm sharing a cab with Omma and Sook Sook," he responded. "I have Appa's car keys. Omma will take it with her. Make sure you don't let him drive, Joon-ah." I nodded at him.

"I'll be back tomorrow night, Noona," Sook Sook said as he kissed his sister on the cheek. "Hyung," he said to me. "I'll see you tomorrow for ice cream."

Omma waved to us as the three of them walked towards the elevator. Na Jeong and I stood in the doorway until they disappeared from view. Once they were gone we entered the apartment quietly but as soon as the doors were closed, she fastened her mouth on my lips and I felt her soft lips and her tongue, warm and insistent, against mine. She started unbuttoning my shirt and unzipping my trousers even as my hands automatically went to her hips. I lifted her against the door and she wrapped her legs around my waist.

"Joon-ah," she moaned. "How long has it been since we've been able to do this with no kids around?"

"Too long," I said huskily as my teeth nipped at her neck.

"You best make it count," she said, chuckling.

"Don't I always?" I asked as I carried her to our bedroom.

We didn't know it yet, but we will win our bet. Nine months after that night, we had our fourth child, and a few minutes later, our fifth.

## Busan, South Korea

## June 23, 2018

## 8:00 p.m.

## Na Jeong

"Wow, Omma, look at this place," I heard Seon say as I was bending down to fix the bow on Young Ae's dress.

I re-tied the bow efficiently and straightened myself out to full height. I looked at Seon, already as tall as his father at almost 16 years old, and was taken aback by how much he looked like him. Especially right now, dressed smartly in a suit, smoothing out his slim tie. His thick hair was brushed back from his forehead and his face is exactly like Joon's, except for his eyes, which were distinctly like mine. He also inherited his Appa's lean and lanky frame, with legs that went on for miles. He was still personable at his age, never quite losing the effervescence of his childhood, and he drew eyes wherever he went. He played baseball, too, and as a pitcher, just like Joon. We've already started noticing the presence of scouts at his games and he just entered his last year of high school. We were lucky with him... He is the perfect oldest son, taking his role and responsibility very seriously. He always took care of his siblings, even without asking.

Min was also dressed nicely in black trousers and a buttoned down shirt, a red tie around his neck but no jacket. He was as tall as me, a little bulkier than Seon, with Abonim's darker complexion. He also resembled Joon, except his face was still a little softer and rounder at thirteen. Min was not as extroverted as Seon, and he was less open to talking to strangers. He likes to observe people, and is the peacemaker in the family. He's so smart, his head always buried in his books and Joon even exclaims more than once that Min studies as if he likes it.

The Kim blood ran strong with our brood, with the first two boys looking very much like Joon, except with a feature here and there from me and my parents. One would never doubt who these children's father is. Both as handsome as sin, and they knew it too, seeing as they've grown up being fawned over by women and little girls alike.

But the twins, I thought as I looked at our two youngest, the twins looked like me. Young Soo was dressed in a suit that he had picked out for himself, replete with a bowtie at the neck. He looked like an angel, with his perfectly white skin and his light brown eyes. He even inherited Omma's wavy hair. You add to that Joon's lips and what you end up with is a cherubic looking child. He's had asthma since he was a toddler and it's made him appear even more delicate than he already was. He was the dreamer amongst our children, his head always up in the clouds, no doubt conjuring scenarios that only Seon is privy to. Seon is very protective of all his siblings, but even more so of Soo who always has been seen as the most fragile and sickly of the bunch.

I watched in amusement as Young Ae tried to scratch her head through the braid that I had done on her hair. Wearing in a red dress that she picked out after I told her she can't wear her tracksuit to the event, she was clearly uncomfortable as she scratched at where the taffeta skirt rubbed on her legs covered in tights. I looked at our lone daughter and wondered if this was how I looked as a child. Omma looks at her sometimes and is always taken aback, saying it's as if she was looking at me 35 years ago. Her hair was a lighter shade of brown, like mine, pin straight when undone. Her eyes were an even more vivid hazel than mine, her expression undulled by restraint, and she was always bossing her brothers around. It's just my luck that she inherited my temper as well. All the expertise in parenting I had thought I acquired with four boys decimated in one year by one little girl. I can't even complain to my parents as Appa just laughs and says that I deserve it. And Joon, I thought as I saw him walk out of the bathroom holding Shin's hand, is no help with her.

He's always celebrated our children's births with much aplomb, but when Young Ae was born and he was informed that we finally had a girl, he actually broke down into tears. We didn't even ask for the baby's genders when we had our last ultrasound, just assuming that we would have boys again. "It's always been a dream of mine to live my life surrounded by beautiful women," he'd said. "But my wife and my daughter are more than enough for me." Needless to say Ae probably spent the majority of her first two weeks dressed in all things blue, with us having been so unprepared.

I saw Seon observing Shin and I felt a smile creep up my face as I looked at our third son. Already moody and intense at eleven years old, with a temper that can blow the roof off the house, he was certainly not forgettable once you know him. He looked so much like Hoon Oppa and gets away with so much because of it. Omma and Appa can't bear to yell at him, and Omonim adores him as well. But he has a special relationship with Joon's Appa. Many a times when we vacation in Chungju and we can't find Shin he's usually at Abonim's side, trying to help at the farm, or gone fishing with him without telling us, or even just speaking quietly while looking at the stars.

He doesn't like to stick to what's expected of him, turning his back away from playing baseball or any sport altogether, and he didn't gravitate towards school either. Instead he spent his time drawing or listening to music, usually by himself in his room. His tastes ran towards the unconventional, as I perused the mohawk on his head. Joon and I have always been very supportive of letting our children express themselves but I was still shocked when he walked out of his room this morning with his hair like that. I know he couldn't have gone to the barber's on his own and when I asked Joon, he had shrugged his broad shoulders. I had asked Shin neutrally who cut his hair and he pointed to Sook Sook, home with us from university, as my brother tried to creep back to his room.

"Omma..." I heard Seon say, his voice sounding very much like an adult, "I can't believe you didn't blow a gasket when Shin came out this morning."

"Blow a gasket?" I asked then pointed at myself delicately. "Me? When do I do that?"

Seon blinked at me and so did Min, before sharing a look with their father and breaking out into peals of laughter. I narrowed my eyes at my husband, so handsome in his tuxedo, before I sighed inwardly. He still looked like he did in 1994, but with a few laugh lines around his eyes and mouth. He still kept a training regime, stating that he needs to be able to keep up with the kids at the academy, and still ran every day. He's aged very very well, growing even more distinguished looking over the years.

My heart still races inside my chest whenever I look at him and he smiles back at me with that same smile from almost twenty five years ago. He was standing between Seon and Min, still laughing when he was interrupted as a retired baseball player passed in front of him. He pointed and started saying, "Isn't that..." when another person walked in front of him and he pointed at them too. "And that's..."

He took my arm gently pulled me aside. "Yeobo, all the great baseball players are here," he whispered excitedly. "Baseball players I grew up watching."

"You mean those people that just passed by?" I asked as he smoothed the loose chignon on my head. He nodded and shook his head at me. "Don't look at me like that. You know I only followed baseball when you played."

"I wouldn't say that so loudly while you're in the Baseball Hall of Fame," he said as he wrapped a long arm around my waist. "You look beautiful tonight."

I blushed before I turned back to him with a smile. "You don't look too bad yourself," I said.

He cupped my neck softly and leaned down to give me a kiss and Seon coughed.

"Appa... Do you two have to do that in public?" He asked. "There are people here. Reporters too."

"So what?" Joon asked. "What will they report? Kim Jae Joon is still in love with his wife after 16 years? What the hell is wrong with that?"

"Yeah... What's wrong with that?" Shin echoed with his hands on his waist.

"No one was talking..." Seon started to say and I silenced him with one look.

I looked over at Shin, who now had his arms crossed over his chest with a smug smile on his face and I shut him up with one look as well.

"No arguing tonight," Joon said. "We are here together as a family for something good. No arguing, okay?" When neither of his sons responded, he asked again. "Okay?"

Seon and Shin gave reluctant nods and we all proceeded to walk into the conference room.

"Joon-ah, what table are we seated at?" I asked and he looked down at the place card he picked up when we came in.

"Ahh... We're at table 10. They seated us along with..."

"Na Jeong-ah!" I heard Omma's voice call out and I turned to see her standing behind Appa's chair.

"... Appa and Omma..." Joon finished with a grin.

We herded our children towards the table and made sure to sit Shin between Soo and Ae, leaving Min to sit between Seon and Shin. Joon sat himself down next to Appa and left a chair next to him for me to sit next to Young Ae. Having five children can be a logistical nightmare when some get along better than others. There were two more empty seats next to Seon and Omma looked at them questioningly.

"Are we expecting anyone else?" She asked as she helped herself to some bread on the table.

"Omma... I think In Sung and Misoo are coming as well," Joon answered as he motioned for a server to pour us some wine. He winked at me, knowing I was more of a soju girl, but had them pour anyway. "Appa, how's your back?"

"What's wrong with your back?" I asked, taking a sip of wine.

"He hurt himself at the academy last week," Omma answered.

"I'm fine... I'm fine..." Appa said with a glare.

"Appa... What did I tell you about working too hard? I hope you're not letting Joon boss you around too much," I said as I glanced over at my children who were all munching on some bread. I asked the server for some juice for all of them before I turned my attention back to Appa.

"Yah gashina!" Appa said. "I wasn't even doing anything. I was just bending down to get something. I'm not as young as I used to be, believe it or not."

"Yeobo, are In Sung and Misoo not bringing their kids?" I asked and he shook his head no. "He said they're going straight to Jeju Island when they check out in the morning. He took the week off from the academy too. The kids are at her Omma's."

I broke off a piece of bread and was buttering it when In Sung walked in, all suited up as well, with Misoo, who looked beautiful in a green dress. Her hair was cut short around her face and I wondered for a minute if I should cut my hair again.

In Sung greeted Omma and Appa with a handshake and a bow, before he gave me a hug and patted Joon on the back. Joon greeted Misoo warmly and shook In Sung's hand. He gave the kids a casual wave before sitting himself down next to Seon and Misoo sat down next to Omma.

Before we can all even catch up, the lights dimmed and Goo Bon Neung, the chairman of the Korea Baseball Organization, walked onto the stage and took the podium. We all directed our attention to him and the audience laughed when he tapped the microphone twice to make sure that it's working. Assured that it was, he cleared his throat before he placed a sheet of paper in front of him and spoke.

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you for coming to our annual Korea Baseball Hall of Fame Induction," he started. "Every year we welcome another member into this prestigious group and this year will do so once again."

"As you all know, we have been established since 1982, but have only opened the Hall of Fame two years ago. As you came into the building I'm sure you all noticed that there were life sized canvas portraits of the current Hall of Famers and the photos which chronicle the history of Korean baseball in our nation. Tonight, another esteemed baseball player will join our ranks."

"Heralded as the best pitcher to come out of Yonsei University even to this day, Kim Jae Joon led a career that had both ups and downs. He said so himself in interviews that he wasn't very good in baseball when he started. He claimed that he had none of the God given talents pervasive in most ball players growing up. And yet, he has behind him a very successful career, all on the back of his determination and resilience. Always mentioning Yogi Berra's quote "it's not over till it's over' in interviews, watching Kim Jae Joon play is like seeing that very quote come to life."

He smiled and a screen projector descended from the ceiling. I looked over to see our children watching intently. I'm sure seeing this will surprise them, seeing as by the time Shin was born, Joon had already put his professional career behind him. I looked at his face, and though expressionless, I can tell that it touched him to be honoured in such a way. A photograph of Joon in his Little League uniform filled the screen.

"Kim Jae Joon was discovered playing in the park by his first coach, who convinced him to spend his time with the team instead, when he was only ten years old. For a sport that required so much training, he was actually quite late joining the game, but when he committed, he did indeed, commit. By the age of twelve, he threw the first pitch at his first Little League Game, and helped his team win the Regional Championship that year. Fast forward to five years later, when he made news being the only high school senior courted by three biggest universities in Seoul. And why wouldn't he be? It was in this year that he struck out seven batters. In one single game," he paused for effect. "...in one single game. Kim Jae Joon earned the name Chilbong, and the baseball community finally saw him. But once they did, they never took their eyes off of him."

The screen moved forward through the years that Joon played as a child to his stock picture from Yonsei University.

"At Yonsei, Chilbong perfected his skill. Pitching at an average speed of 92 miles per hour, his greatest talent was not perhaps the speed with which he threw, but his consistency. All of his former coaches agree that when you put Chilbong on the mound, you can trust that he will deliver. He was reliable, focused and dedicated. These characteristics propelled him into a career abroad, playing Major League Baseball not just in Japan, but in the United States as well, possibly opening the eyes of the international baseball scene to the talented players here in Korea."

They showed clips of his baseball games from Japan and America, and I took his big hand in mine before giving him a squeeze. Omma, Appa, In Sung and Misoo were all riveted to the screen and I myself brought my attention back.

"And just when we thought his star couldn't get any brighter, he had to come home because of an injury. An injury that has ended many baseball careers. The baseball community waited with bated breath to see if Kim Jae Joon will rise again, whether the strength and persistence that carried him through most of his baseball career will get him through what was perhaps the most difficult challenge of his life. Then on December 22, 2001, Kim Jae Joon pitched a perfect game. With what is still recorded as the fastest ball thrown in Korean baseball history, Chilbong made his comeback. And he made it with a definitive statement. We prepared to lose him again to the Major Leagues, but Kim Jae Joon is nothing if not his own man, and he surprised us yet again, by choosing to play in Korea."

"For the next six years he played for two of Seoul's most famous baseball clubs, spending a year with the Bears and his final years with the Twins. Fans and members of the baseball community were shocked when he announced his retirement in 2007. He didn't even make it public until the last game of the season, not wanting to distract the audience's attention from enjoying the game. It was in November 2007 that we said goodbye to Chilbong and his professional career. He made his exit the way he made his entrance, on top, in command, and fully on his terms."

The slide moved to pictures of his last game, as well as the short ceremony after. Joon was on the screen holding the winning ball up in the air, and waving at the crowd. He was there again, surrounded by his teammates, and shaking hands with his former coaches holding a bouquet of flowers. The photos transitioned into a picture of the Kim Jae Joon Baseball Academy and the chairman smiled.

"But Kim Jae Joon's story does not end there. In 2008, he founded a baseball academy in Seoul and part of the financial success of the academy was used towards the Sung Tae Hoon Foundation, which has been providing uniforms and equipment, as well as training grounds for children, boys and girls alike, who are interested in baseball. The foundation also gives scholarships annually to kids who showed promise but are unable to pursue baseball in a secondary and collegiate setting due to financial hardship. Ten years later, some of the academy's graduates have moved on to play for Seoul University, Korea National University and of course, Yonsei University. They can boast of their graduates playing in Major and Minor Leagues all over Korea and in Japan. They just sent one of their boys to the United States to play this past season. Throughout his career, Kim Jae Joon has taught all of us that hard work does pay off, but even when his career was thought to be over, he still continues to teach us that there is still so much that we can do, and that with enough perseverance, we can all get there."

The chairman paused and looked up from the paper in front of him. He nodded and smiled before he spoke again. "It is with the deepest pleasure and honour that I introduce all of you to tonight's honouree into the Hall of Fame. Please give a warm welcome to this year's inductee, Kim Jae Joon."

The audience burst into applause and I turned to see Appa and In Sung looking at Joon proudly. I saw the way that our children watched Joon get up, and my heart filled with emotion. It seems like they're just seeing their father for the first time. Seeing for the first time a part of their Appa that they never really knew. I don't suppose they will ever realize that he made his choices later in life for them, and for us. Joon kissed me on the cheek and whispered "I'll be right back," before he walked off, buttoning his jacket on the way, and climbed the few steps onto the stage.

He was greeted with a handshake and a smile, both of which he accepted graciously. The crowd continued their applause even as he stood at the podium, continuing even a few minutes later. He bowed to the crowd and still they continued clapping. After five minutes, the chairman finally put his hands up to motion for silence and the crowd finally quieted down. I saw the emotion pass through Joon's face, and I myself had to hold back the tears that came to my eyes.

When it seemed like he was stunned speechless by the moment or the honour, I prepared myself to stand up and be by his side, at least until he got speech started. As I was getting up, however, I heard him clear his throat, and I sat myself back down.

## Jae Joon

The last time I stood at a podium was to perform for Haitai's wedding and this feeling wasn't very different. I have said it before and I will say it again, that I am extremely uncomfortable being in front of a crowd. The baseball uniforms I had always worn served as my armour, and without it, I felt vulnerable and naked.

I tried to calm my nerves down by focusing on the table where I knew my family sat. I kept my hands together in front of me at first before pulling out the speech I've prepared for this occasion from my tuxedo pocket. I took a deep breath and still the words will not come out. My eyes scanned the audience and it felt like I was frozen. But then my eyes met Na Jeong's and she gave me a little smile. It's the smile that brings me back every time, the love in her eyes pulling me back to this time and place, reminding me always of what I have to do and why I do it.

I saw her begin to stand up, no doubt to come to my side and I took a deep breath. Whether or not she's physically next to me, I knew she was there, cheering me on and supporting me every step of the way. I took a deep breath and took the microphone.

"Thank you... thank you so much for this honour," I started, my voice shaky. "Even now, even as I stand here, I still can't believe that I was chosen to receive the privilege of being able to stand beside the great baseball players of our nation. The continued support that I have received from the baseball community has been tremendous, and no words would ever be able to express the extent of gratitude that I'm feeling to still remain a part of this family. Because that's what we are, right? A family." I paused and listened as the audience murmured their assent. A few beats passed before I spoke again, this time with a stronger clearer voice.

"If someone had told me thirty four years ago when I picked up a baseball and threw it for the first time that I would be here now, I would never have believed them. When I started playing baseball at ten years old I never imagined that it would become such a big part of my life. As a kid that age, I only wanted something to do, to be honest." I heard the crowd laugh. " And baseball gave me that, at first, then eventually, so much more. I'm not entirely sure exactly when it happened that it stopped just being a hobby, but I continue to live by the lessons that baseball taught me about myself and about life every single day."

"Baseball not only taught me to never give up, but to also push through whatever trial and tribulation stood in the way. It taught me to always work hard for what I wanted, to stay focused, and to always acknowledge the people who stayed by my side throughout my journey. But most of all, it taught me that just like in life, a baseball game can change with one move. This is the biggest lesson that I try to pass on to all the students that pass through the academy's doors. It's something that I wished someone had taught me along the way. And maybe they did, except I wasn't quite paying attention. I'm notoriously bad with lessons. Ask my wife, she'll tell you." Again the audience laughed.

"The more I learned about baseball, the more I realized that it is really the perfect metaphor for life. It showed me time and time again, that there is no better weapon to have as a baseball player than preparation. Just like life. A baseball game is dynamic, and one can never call who will win and who will lose, not until the very last inning. Just like life. Life is also constantly moving and evolving, and just like baseball, we are all given plenty of opportunities to make a change in plan, a change in strategy or a change in perspective. That's the beauty of both things, and one that took me a long time to realize. Growing up I failed to recognize the moments that changed my life, that changed me, but now a lot older, and a little wiser, I am proud to be able to say that I no longer take those for granted. Deciding to play baseball changed the course of my fate, and the choices that I make every day continue to open more doors for me and for the people around me. I find it reassuring to know that at any given time, I can change, into a better baseball player, a better husband, a better father, and a better person. A moment's choice can change everything, as long as you do it out of love. It was love for the game, love for its players, love for its coaches and love for its devoted spectators that kept me playing baseball for so long, and it was also love, this time for my wife, our parents and our children that took me out. It is with that same love that I founded the academy and continue to teach."

"When I became a father, it became it even more important to me to nurture children and their goals in life. There were people who did it for me, so I am giving it back. That has always been part of the mission statement for the academy. That every child be allowed the luxury of a dream. That he or she leaves the academy not just as a stronger baseball player, but a person better prepared for life as well. That every child has the opportunity to become someone they never thought they could be, or maybe, just maybe, to become the person they were always meant to be, had they just been given the chance. It's those same hopes that I have for my children and I feel deeply privileged that other parents entrust me to take part in their children's futures as well."

I felt a lump form in my throat and I swallowed to try to keep my voice calm as I finished my speech. "I would like to take this opportunity to thank my parents, who couldn't be here tonight, for having given so much of themselves to make my dream possible, especially my Appa, who taught me that hard work will pay off in the long run. I'd like to thank my in laws, who really are more like second parents, for teaching me what it means to be a part of a family. I'd like to thank my children, for to opening my eyes to life's never ending possibilities every single minute." I took a deep breath before I spoke again. "And my wife, for sharing this life with me. Na Jeong-ah... You always challenge me to be better and for that I am grateful." My eyes met hers in the crowd and I saw her wipe some tears from her eyes.

"Lastly, I would like to thank the Korea Baseball Organization and its members, all my old teammates and old coaches, and the whole baseball family, for embracing me into their fold, and for loving my family as well. I will never forget this moment, and I hope I do all of your belief in me justice."

I nodded one more time and the crowd once again burst into applause. By the time I stepped off the stage, everyone was on their feet, and so many hands reached out to shake mine that I couldn't even remember the faces that were attached to them. But I knew where I needed to be, and my footsteps led me there. Back with my children. Back to Na Jeong. Back where I belong.

## Commodore Hotel

## Busan, Korea

## June 23, 2018

## 12:45 a.m.

## Na Jeong

I kicked off my heels and rolled my stockings off my legs before I sat myself down on the floor. It's been a great night, but my forty four year old body cannot handle more than three hours in heels anymore. I did, however, enjoy getting dressed up, and seeing Joon and our children dressed up for the occasion. I smoothed out my skirt onto the floor and thanked God I asked Omonim to go shopping with me. This dress was the perfect choice. Black and strapless, with a bone lined bodice and a full ball gown skirt that hit just below my knees, it was classic and elegant, and I felt beautiful in it. Even more so when I saw Joon's eyes light up when he saw me, like they did in San Francisco and like they did on the day we got married.

There had been so many people trying to speak to Joon, Appa and In Sung that the rest of the dinner went by in a blur. I didn't even get to eat much we were talking to so many people and trying to make sure the children ate enough. No doubt we will be back here again next year, when Appa hits his ten year post retirement to celebrate his induction to the hall of fame. Or at least that's what I'm surmising from what Chairman Goo told Appa.

Joon came from the direction of the kitchen with a pot of ramyun, holding onto the handles with a tea towel. I quickly placed one of the towels from the bathroom on the floor so that he could put it down. I applauded myself silently for having the foresight to pack some ramyun and snacks. Or I would have had to beg Joon to stop at a store to get some after the ceremony.

Joon had already taken his shoes off as well, and went back to the kitchenette of the suite for some bowls and chopsticks. I waited until he sat himself down on the floor next to me before I lifted the lid off the pot and we both put our faces close to the steam as we savoured the familiar and always loved smell.

"Aigoo, it smells delicious," I said as Joon started serving up the ramyum into bowls. "Hurry... Hurry..."

He smiled at me before handing me the bowl. I quickly took the chopsticks and wrapped some noodles around it before bringing it to my mouth to cool it down.

"Careful... it's hot," he warned and I gave him a sheepish grin.

He lifted his own bowl up and started blowing on the noodles and I was distracted for a moment at the way his pretty lips puckered up. However my tummy had other ideas and rumbled in protest. Joon, so used to this by now, merely chuckled and exchanged our bowls once he realized his noodles were cooler than mine.

"Yah, Kim Jae Joon-ssi..." I said as I sighed in pleasure once I had my first bite in. "... that speech of yours was pretty good."

"Pretty good?" He teased back. "I seem to recall you crying it was so good."

"I was overwhelmed. I was so proud of you," I replied. I leaned over to the entertainment unit and turned the radio on. "Ahh just in time..." I said as 'In A Starry Night' came on.

"This is still going on?" Joon asked as he ate his ramyun. "The first time I really heard this was at the boarding house, the night of the blackout, when we all slept on the living room floor."

"I woke up the next day and your face was this," I motioned with my pointer finger and thumb, "close to mine."

"How is it?" Joon asked, looking pointedly at the ramyun.

"Good," I answered. "Not as good as yours, though. But it will have to do. Hungry people shouldn't complain."

"It would have been better with your kkakdugi," he said. "I wish we brought some now. And maybe some eggs."

"You and that radish kimchi," I laughingly said. "You're obsessed."

"I love it. Almost as much as I love you," he quipped back.

"I got it, I got it," I relented. "We'll never go on another trip again without taking some with us."

"Were the kids asleep already when you checked up on them?" He asked as he stretched his legs in front of him and put his bowl down.

"The light was off in Seon and Min's room. Ae's too. Shin had his earphones on, still dressed and refusing to put his pyjamas on, and Soo was in bed reading," I responded before I put my bowl down and sidled closer to him so I can loosen his tuxedo bow and unbutton the top of his dress shirt. His jacket lay on the couch behind us, as did my shawl. I laid my head on his shoulder and placed a hand over his heart. "They were so proud of you. Don't tell Seon, but I saw him tearing up."

"Really?" Joon asked. "I'm glad they saw a little bit of that part of my life."

We stayed sitting on the floor quietly before an old familiar song came on the radio.

"I know this song," Joon suddenly said. "Kim Dong Ryul, right? It came out in 1999."

"Yeah," I answered quietly. I listened to the familiar lyrics and sang along.

As if we'd met yesterday

Not really needing to ask how you have been

Perhaps I was needlessly concerned

Not being at ease

Maybe I made it more awkward between us

Telling me that you look terrible because you couldn't sleep at all

After my phone call last night

Your face is smiling shyly

How could it be that you're still the same like this...

Joon stayed quiet for a few minutes, holding my hand in his, over his chest, before he sang the chorus along with me.

Should I say that I love her again

That I've come around a little too late

But that I've been waiting

That waiting for you was the easiest thing for me

So I didn't realize how time has passed

Should I say I love her again

That I'm still not good enough

But would you accept me

That loving you is all of my life

So I can't help it

I felt a smile form on my face as I listened to his clear voice and closed my eyes.

"Yeobo," I heard Joon say.

"Hmm?"

"Want to dance with me?"

## Jae Joon

Na Jeong lifted her head from my chest and looked into my eyes.

"Right now?" She asked softly.

"Why not?" I responded as I stood up and held a hand out. "The kids are asleep and I'd like to dance with my wife."

She looked at me for a few seconds before she took my hand and allowed me to lead her to the balcony of our suite. I slid the glass door open and led her out carefully, not bothering to turn the light on.

Once outside, I wrapped my arms around her waist as she enfolded her arms around my neck. We swayed from side to side silently, our bodies coming together gracefully and automatically, the way we've always done.

"Joon-ah..." She said quietly. "Why did you wait for me? All those years ago... And for so long?"

I thought about my answer before I responded. "I thought you were worth it. I thought I could love you and make you happy, if I was given the chance. I knew you were the one for me."

"You were right," she said with a chuckle.

"Na Jeong-ah..." I asked hesitantly. "Hmm?"

"Why did you stay with me? During that time... You could have just left and everyone would have understood... It probably would have been easier."

"I have never been one to take the easy road," she said. "And I KNEW you were worth it."

She stopped moving and pulled away enough so she could look me in the eyes. "You know when the weather is bad, and it's raining or snowing so hard that you can barely see in front of you?" I nodded. "No matter how bad it gets, you never forget your way home. Your love for me was like that. Just because I couldn't see it right away, it didn't mean it wasn't there. We just needed to get to the other side. I realized that when you left me that letter."

"What letter?" I asked. We've written each other so much over the last eighteen years I don't even remember.

"Even when I didn't love you, I still loved you. Even when it was just the promise of you, it was still you. I loved you then and I love you still," Na Jeong recited from memory. "That's why I stayed. Because you loved me through all that. Never wavering in your belief that one day I would become the woman you thought I could be. I looked at my present and imagined my future, and it was always you by my side. I couldn't let that go. Not when there was so much at stake." She gave me a dazzling smile. "And look at us now."

I kissed her lips tenderly as I cupped the back of her neck. I pressed my forehead against hers and smiled. "Yeah, look at us now."

"Joon-ah... How come Abonim and Omonim didn't make it tonight?" Na Jeong asked suddenly.

"God only knows," I said before heaving a loud sigh. "The last time I talked to Appa he said they were going on a cruise."

"A cruise?" She asked. "How lovely."

"How lovely? How lovely?" I asked in irritation.

"You don't have to sound so unhappy about it, yeobo," she chided. "Are you still mad they're refusing to get married?"

"Yeobo, they've been living together for over ten years! Is it so wrong that I want them to make it official? Is it?" I heard my voice getting louder with this same discussion and I had to make a conscious effort so as not to wake the kids up. "Do you know how weird it is to explain to our kids that their grandparents are 'dating'?" I continued in a harsh whisper.

"They've done the whole marriage thing and they didn't like it," she said calmly. "Can't you just let them be and be happy for them? I think it's sweet."

"Yah..."

"Joon-ah... Should we stay here another night?" Na Jeong asked softly and I saw her lick her lips. "We haven't had any alone time recently..."

"We can't," I said and watched her face fall. "Omma and Appa are taking the kids back to Seoul tomorrow and WE, as in only You and I, are flying to Japan."

"Wait, what?" She asked in puzzlement. "But who's going to watch..."

"Samcheonpo and Yoon Jin still owe us for the bet," I responded smoothly. "And I still owe you a honeymoon."

"Joon-ah..."

"I already had Omma pack your bag with enough clothes for a week. Everything else has been arranged." I leaned down and put an arm under her legs and lifted her in my arms. "Should we get the honeymoon started tonight?"

She gasped but wrapped her arms around my neck anyway. "Why not? The kids are asleep and now's as good a time as any."

I carried her back into the suite and leaned down to kiss her soft lips. "You have to stay quiet, though. Unless you want the kids to know we're trying for our sixth."

"Sixth?" She asked. "I'm 44 years old."

I laughed and kissed her nose. "Stranger things have happened," I whispered as I took her to our room and kicked the door close behind me.

This is our story. And the best part? Our story, our love and our happiness... they're all real. All tangible. We lived it, we fought for it and we chose it. No one handed us this life on a platter. We've earned our happy ending.

## 1:15 a.m.

## Young Ae

I looked around the hallway barefoot to make sure everyone was in bed before stepping out of my room. The door to Omma and Appa's room is closed so I think they're asleep already. So is the door to Seon and Min Oppa's room and the room that Shin Oppa and Soo are staying in. Trying to be as quiet as possible I tiptoed my way out of the room and walked slowly on the carpet to go to the kitchen.

I'm hungry and there was a lot of food in the fridge. Omma might get mad because I took stuff from the "mini-bar" whatever that is, but Appa will just smile at her and she'll forget all about why she was mad anyway. Omma's so soft. Only with Appa though. All someone has to say is Appa's name and she gets all funny in the face.

Yoon Jin Eemo says my mother is a gangster. I didn't really believe her until I saw her hit Sung Gyun Samchon once for making fun of Appa about something from 1994. That must be an important year since our parents and their friends talk about it a lot. I've seen a picture of Omma from that time and she looked funny! It looked like she didn't comb her hair!

That is a long time ago. I tried to count in my head and got to twenty and then I had to give up. I'm not good with math, but Soo, my twin brother is. Omma and Appa are really old now but you'd never guess. Omma is so beautiful... Everyone in my class always says so. And Appa is so handsome. All the teachers say so.

Omma got so mad when I told her but Appa just nudged her on the side and said "I still love milk." Omma turned bright red and was hushing Appa when Soo said, "I love milk too, Appa... And cheese too." Omma got even redder but didn't say anything. Me? I only like cheese. Milk makes my tummy ache. Shin Oppa hates milk so much that Appa always has to yell at him to finish his milk before he leaves the table. Milk must be good for us. But then Appa confused me when he told Seon and Min Oppa that milk will get them in trouble. Maybe they're al-ler-gic to milk... I learned that word in class this week. Seon Oppa told Appa it would only get him in trouble if it's spoiled, then Min Oppa said he's worried because he likes milk so much and we might have a ge-ne-tic problem with milk and Appa burst out laughing like crazy. I love it when Appa laughs. His eyes become two slits on his face and he makes me happy. Omma, too, I think, because she kissed him on the lips and made my brothers go 'eww' before the two of them disappeared into the bedroom to watch television. They watch television a lot.

I was already almost at the kitchen part of the hotel room when I noticed a soft light on where the big television is. I was about to turn back around and go to my room when I heard Omma's laugh coming from the balcony of the hotel room and I quickly crouched down behind the couch. I peeked around the sofa to see my parents outlined in the dark.

Appa didn't have shoes on and had his arms around Omma's waist and Omma also had taken her shoes off and had her arms around Appa's shoulders. There was some old music playing on the radio and they were slowly swaying from side to side. Omma looked like a princess with her long hair up and the skirt of her dress falling just below her knees. And Appa looked like a slightly messy Prince Charming, like I always see in my books, with the bow of his tuxedo to one side and the top button on his shirt unbuttoned. Omma's pretty rings caught the light and I was transfixed for a minute before I felt my brothers join me behind the couch.

"What are you doing up?" Min Oppa asked. "And why are you hiding behind here?"

"I was hungry," I said when my gaze strayed to the empty ramyun pot on the floor and I gasped. "Omma and Appa made ramyun and didn't tell us. I'm so hungry..." I licked my lips and sighed in disappointment.

"Omma and Appa are still awake?" Shin Oppa asked irritatedly. "How are we going to watch our movie?"

"Where did they get the eggs?" Soo asked next to me, rubbing his belly.

"You were going to watch a movie without me?" I asked, offended.

"Ahh.. Ae-ya... It's for older kids," Seon Oppa said, not meeting my eyes. Liar liar pants on fire. He is so bad at lying and I can always tell.

"But Soo is here too!" I said, hurt. "I'm going to tell Haraboji and Oe Haraboji you're treating me different just cos I'm a girl." When they didn't budge I continued. "And Jung Gook Samchon and Joon Samchon..." Still, no response, so I dangled the heaviest threat. "I'll tell Appa! I'll tell Appa for sure. Maybe I'll tell Appa now..." I opened my mouth wide to scream Appa's name when Seon Oppa covered my mouth with his hand.

"You can watch the movie with us," Min Oppa finally relented after sharing a look with the boys, though I get the feeling he's just saying it so I wouldn't tell.

"If Omma and Appa are still up, no one will get to watch the movie," Shin Oppa said and they all nodded.

"Shhh..." Seon Oppa said suddenly, bringing a finger up to his lips. "They're doing that thing again. There's still hope."

"What thing?" I asked and tried to listen, only to hear our parents bickering even as they kept their arms tight around each other. I hope they're still not talking about the thing that happened last week, when Omma opened my school pictures and saw how Appa did my hair.

"Kim Jae Joon-ssi," Omma said in her I'm-a-little-annoyed voice. "How could you let your daughter go to school with lopsided pigtails? And on picture day no less?"

"How am I supposed to know how to fix her hair?" Appa said innocently. "We only have boys! I asked Young Ae and she said it was perfect."

"Yeobo... She's five," Omma had barked, but Appa just looked at her while sending me secret smiles. Appa is awesome.

"Yahh. She's pretty still though," he said with a wink my way. "Just like you."

When he said that Omma relaxed and let Appa hold her. Then they watched television. Again.

"You know... When they fake argue just so they can make up," Min Oppa said with a smile and I looked at him in puzzlement.

"Fake argue?" Soo said, his perfect angel face confused. We're only five years old. Neither of us knew what they meant.

The thing is, though, is that our parents argue differently than other parents. When they fight they're still holding hands or hugging, and some people I've seen yelling or even throwing things! Omma and Appa never do that. And it always ends in a kiss.

Our parents are always kissing. My brothers cringe and make faces when they do but Appa doesn't care. And neither does Omma. Appa just says, in his serious voice, "You'll all understand one day." Understand what I'm not really sure but I don't feel disgusted when I see them kiss. Or when I see them holding hands or whispering to each other. A lot of my friends' parents barely talk to each other or look at each other but Omma and Appa are always talking to each other and they are always looking at each other. They say I love you all the time, to each other and to us. I don't really know what this love business is yet, but I know it makes me feel good when I hear our parents say it. Whatever this love is, it must be the good stuff, because Appa always says we wouldn't have our family if not for that. And Omma agrees. I'm glad we have our family. Though I act like my brothers are a pain most of the time, and they are, most of the time, I can't imagine life without them or all our grandparents and our parents' friends.

Omma has said before that people can get through just about anything if they had family, friendship and love. I don't know exactly what she means yet, but I'll just believe it to be true. Because Omma is always right. Which Appa says on an almost daily basis. I love Omma and Appa. They're the best.

# Restaurants featured on A Moment's Choice

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# Na Jeong's Kkakdugi Recipe

## Ingredients:

  * Korean radish (or daikon)

  * Salt

  * Sugar

  * Fish sauce (Omonim forbade me to share the brand)

  * Hot pepper flakes

  * Green onions

  * Garlic

  * Ginger

## Directions:

  1. Peel 4 pounds of Korean radish or daikon.

  2. Rinse in cold water and pat dry.

  3. Cut it into ¾ to 1 inch cubes (Joon likes his radish kimchi diced very large). Put into a large bowl.

  4. Add 2 tbsp salt, 2 tbsp sugar, and mix well.

    * For sweeter kkakdugi, add 1-2 more tbsp of sugar.

  5. Set aside for 30 minutes.

  6. Drain the juice from the radish into a small bowl.

  7. Add 2 tbsp 5-6 cloves of garlic, 1 tsp minced ginger, 4 stalks of chopped green onions, ¼ cup fish sauce, 2/3 cup hot pepper flakes, and ⅓ cup of the juice from the radish.

    * Adjust amount of pepper flakes to your taste. Use 1/4 cup pepper flakes for the mild version. For vegetarian kkakdugi, you may replace fish sauce with soy sauce.

  8. Mix it up well until the seasonings coat the radish cubes evenly.

  9. Put the kkakdugi into a glass jar and press down on the top to remove any air from between the radish cubes.

You can:

  * Eat it immediately, and then store it in the refrigerator.

OR

  * Let it ferment by not refrigerating it for a few days. Little bubbles may appear on top of the kkakdugi when it starts fermenting and it will smell sour. You may then put it in the refrigerator.

# Joon's Ddukbokki Recipe

## Ingredients:

  * 1 pound of cylinder shaped rice cake, bought or homemade. (Use a little more if you're not adding hard boiled eggs and fish cakes)

  * 4 cups of water7 large size dried anchovies, with heads and intestines removed6

  * 8 inch dried kelp

  * 1/3 cup hot pepper paste

  * 1 tablespoon hot pepper flakes

  * 1 tablespoon sugar

  * 3 green onions, cut into 3 inch long pieces

  * 2 hard boiled eggs, shelled (optional)

  * ½ pound fish cakes (optional)

## Directions:

  1. Add the water, dried anchovies, and dried kelp to a shallow pot or pan.

  2. Boil for 15 minutes over medium high heat without the lid.

  3. Combine hot pepper paste, hot pepper flakes, and sugar in a small bowl.

  4. Remove the anchovies and kelp from the pot and add the rice cakes, the mixture in the bowl, the green onion, and the optional fish cakes and hard boiled eggs. The stock will be about 2 ½ cups.

  5. Stir gently with a wooden spoon when it starts to boil. Keep stirring until the rice cake turns soft and the sauce thickens and looks shiny, which should take about 10 -15 minutes. If the rice cake is not soft enough, add more water and continue stirring until soften. When you use freshly made rice cake, it takes shorter time. If you use frozen rice cake, thaw it out and soak in cold water to soften it before cooking.

  6. Remove from the heat and serve hot.

# The Road to Joon's Proposal

#

Author's Bio

Retired city girl transplanted to the heart of the American South, dimsumofallthings went from being one of a handful Asian girls in town to being the only Asian girl in town (or, at least, within the immediate twenty mile radius). A registered nurse by day, part time fangirl, and sometimes writer.

She is a passionate baker and a non-instrument playing musician. Lover of all things furry, all things beautiful, and all things indulgent (none of them have anything to do with the other, but she thinks that makes her well-rounded!).

Her K- drama watching pedigree is short, having just started watching Korean dramas six or seven years ago. She considers Jung Woo Sung the perfect mature man (all men should be so lucky to age like fine wine), Sohn Ye Jin a goddess amongst women (absolutely ultimate girl crush), and Lee Jung Jin the best thing ever since sliced bread (maybe more like best ever since buttery flaky croissants or moist delicious cake, but you get her point). She thinks Lee Jung Jin is glorious, but that's a story for another day.

A Moment's Choice, along with its sister stories, A New Beginning and A Leap of Faith, makes up her limited fan fiction body of work. A proud founding and current member of YeoNiverse, she considers herself part of a circle of very intelligent and beautiful women who share a love for all things Yoo Yeon Seok. You can find her nowadays chatting and squeeing with her international and domestic friends, when she's not beleaguered by "real life."

For the Web original version of AMC, please visit:

http://dimsumofallthings.wordpress.com/a-moments-choice/

For news, releases, and contact information, or if you would like to join the fan club, please visit us at:

http://yeoniverse.wordpress.com

