

Meet George.

She's feisty, good natured and has the knack of walking into trouble.

And at the moment, there's plenty of trouble to go round

Bigg City is alive with rumors, there's a smell of burning coming from the woods.

And Baroness Bertha has just come up with a devious plan to get her hands on the people's money....

DRAGON TAX!

Well...you know what it's like with Dragons. They're so cute at first.

Then they grow up.

And Grow..

And Grow......

The classic legend hits the stage in this new version of an old story with a gallery of eccentric and hilarious characters

"A lot of fun...we liked this very much" Samuel French Ltd

"Great Fun" Children's Author David Wood

GEORGE......THE HERO

by Martin Alcock

Copyright 2013 Martin Alcock

Smashwords Edition.

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

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THEATRICAL PERFORMANCES

Downloading of this play script does not imply consent for theatrical performance. For permission to perform GEORGE THE HERO please contact the author on m_alcock@hotmail.com

ACT ONE

ENTER LESTER (He is a Jester complete with cap and bells)

Lester:

Good evening ladies and gentlemen

You're such a lovely sight

The doors have all been bolted

So you're in here for the night.

We have a tale to tell to you

Shall turn your knees to jelly

It'll only take an hour or two

-and there's nothing on the telly.

So come back to a mythic time

And a land far far away

Of rivers deep and mountains high

And forests dark and grey.

Our hero lives within the woods

She's just like you and me

But special times need special folks

As we shall shortly see.

A cottage by a little stream

Is where we start our story

Where George will take the first small step

On the rocky road to glory.....

(The lights come up on two young men, MAVIS and DOREEN and GEORGE, their sister, gathered around a small bed in which their mother is lying)

George: How is she?

Mavis: I'm not sure.

George: Is she asleep?

Mavis: Dunno...I'll ask. (Bellowing) MUM! (Mum wakes with a start) GEORGE WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'RE ASLEEP!

George: (Angrily) Mavis! It's alright mum, I'm here.

Mum: (Weakly) George...is that you?

George: Yes, mum. How you feeling?

Mum: Not good, love. I don't think it'll be long, now.

Doreen: What won't?

Mum: (Patiently) Until I....leave you.

Doreen: Oh.......(after thinking)......mum?

Mum: Yes, love?

Doreen: D'you really think you ought to be traveling in your condition? I mean, you're really, really ill.

Mum: No, love, What I mean is....oh, never mind. (She looks round at the three of them) I'm just sorry I wasn't a better mother to you.

George: (Gently) You're a great mum. It can't have been easy looking after the three of us when dad died. Mum....

Mum: Yes, love?

George: What was dad like? We never really knew him.

Mavis: Yeah, and why did he give us those stupid names?

Doreen: Yeah, he must have really hated us.

Mum: Well...George...Mavis....Doreen... it's like this.....

George: I think I know, mum. Dad wanted us to know that life is tough. That it's important to show the world what you're like on the inside. He wanted us to be strong. Isn't that it, mum?

Mum: Erm...not really...no.

George: Oh. Well why, then?

Mum: He was barmy.

George: Barmy?

Mum: Completely off his Conkers. Mad as a radish.

George (Uncomfortably): Really...

Mum: Six twigs short of a bundle. Daft as a frog sandwich.

George: Right....

Mum: Towards the end of his life, he thought he was a small squirrel called Jeremy.

George: Oh. Well, I suppose that explains why he fell out of the oak tree.

Mavis: What? Was someone after his nuts? (He laughs uproariously) Geddit? Nuts?

(George glares at him. Doreen scuffs him round the back of the head)

Mum: Oh well, never mind. I just want you to know that I've always been proud of you kids. Particularily you, George. (Whispering) Mavis and Doreen are both good boys but let's face it love, the men in this family have never really had much .....upstairs ...if you know what I mean.

(George and mum cast a glance at Mavis and Doreen who smile back, vacantly, unaware that they are being talked about.)

Mum: That's why I want you to carry out my last wishes.(Slowly, painfully, mum reaches beneath herself, pulls out a small bag of money and hands it to George). That's every penny we've got in the world.

George: Why are you giving it to me?

Mum: I've been lying on it for half an hour, It's killing me back.

George: Yes, but why me?

Mum: This is the last payment on the farm. Our final year's taxes. Once we pay this off, the farm belongs to us and no-one can take it away. Someone's got to take this to Bigg City in time for taxing day next month.

George: But Bigg City's a week's journey away! Through DragonScar Woods! It's dangerous!

Mum: I know it is, but it's important that it's you. You have to go, George, I'm depending on you. And anyway, who else do you think

I could send?

(George and Mum once more cast a glance at Mavis and Doreen, who smile vacantly back.)

George: Right....I get your point.

Mum: You'll be fine, George. (Her voice is growing weaker) I know that you'll make me proud of you. Pay the taxes. Save the farm. And please.....look after the boys. (She coughs gently) Goodbye love....and remember, I'm counting on you

(Gently, her eyes close and she is still.Slowly, sadly, George and Doreen pull the bedsheet over their Mum's face. Almost immediately, her hand appears and pulls it back down)

Mum: (With a bit more strength) I'm not gone yet! Honestly! Can't an old lady get a bit of rest for five minutes....(Suddenly and very finally she dies).

(Mavis, Doreen and George look at each other, then, once more pull the sheet over her head. This time it stays there.)

George: (Softly) I won't let you down, mum.

(Lights fade slowly down on them. Lester enters again)

Lester: And so my friends, with a heavy heart

Young George is on her travels

The quest begins, the journey starts

Our plot slowly unravels

(Lights back up on George, Mavis, Doreen. George now has a staff, a small travelling bundle and carries the little bag of money that mum gave her.)

George: (Giving instructions to the boys) Now, remember, milk the cows twice a day.

Doreen: Yes, George.

George: Don't try and milk the bull - he doesn't like it.

Doreen: No, George

George: Don't forget to lock the chicken coop at night and don't go climbing trees - you don't want to end up like dad.

Doreen: No, George...Yes, George....you know what I mean.

Mavis: George?

George: Yes, Doreen?

Mavis: What about the bogeyman? What if he turns up at night?

George: (Patiently) Look, I've explained this to you before . That bogeyman you saw?

Mavis: Yes?

George: It was you in a mirror.....(Mavis doesn't look convinced) ohh...if you see him again, walk backwards - you'll find that he does the same thing (Mavis smiles in relief) You'll be fine. Both of you. It's only a week's walk to Bigg City and then I'll be back.

(She hugs them both. Takes a deep breath and walks off. Mavis and Doreen wave sadly until she is out of sight)

Mavis: What you going to do now?

Doreen: Well, I thought I might have a go at climbing that big oak tree. What about you?

Mavis: Gonna go and sort out that bogeyman.

Doreen: Oh well, see you at dinner.

Mavis: See ya

(They exit. Enter George - on her travels. She comes to a stop.)

George: (Thinking) Let's see. Stay on the road for a week or take the shortcut through Dragonscar woods and be there in three days. Mmmm. Good job I don't believe in dragons. I mean, I don't. ...do I? (Thinks).....naaaah.

(She shrugs and sets off through the woods. As she walks, a rather fake and unconvincing bush sneaks on behind her. George stops. Shrugs and continues. A second larger bush appears. To be joined by a tree and another bush. George stops centre stage and looks behind her at the small clump of flat, unconvincing forest greenery that has suddenly appeared. )

George: Mmmm... weird. Ever felt like you're being followed?

(A voice with a strange foreign accent calls out from behind the smallest bush)

Voice: You are not being followed - please to continue on your journey!

George: Oh...all right then. (stops) Wait a minute. (Drops her bundle and holds out her staff.) All right, come out or get walloped!

(The bush falls over and a strange figure in a red ninja-like outfit leaps out)

Le Moo: Who eez thees who threatens to wallop the great and terrible Le Moo? (He launches into a fake and corny laugh. He does this a lot) Hahahahahah!

George: Who's Le Moo?

Le Moo: Who eez thees who does not know who is the great and terrible Le Moo - Hahahaha!

George: Well...are you Le Moo?

Le Moo: Who eez thees who dares to ask if the great Le Moo truly is the great Le Moo? Hahahaahah!

George: So, you're Le Moo, then?

Le Moo: Yes.

George: So what do you want with me?

Le Moo: You have trespassed upon the lands of the great Le Moo, you must pay the penalty.

George: Says who?

Le Moo: Says the great and terrible Le Moo and the Red Toadstool Gang!

(The remaining trees and bushes fall down to reveal four or five more weird looking red ninjas. They go through various martial arts manoeuvres, complete with weird little screams and shouts . They're mean to be threatening, they actually just look a bit daft. They end up in a posed group around Le Moo)

George: (not impressed) Very impressive. What do you want?

Le Moo: Who dares to ask the great Le Moo...

George: Oh, just get on with it!

Le Moo: Your money......we would like your money.....please.

George: No way!

Le Moo: (Smirking) Let me explain this to you. We are Robbers. You are a lone traveller in a dark and dangerous wood carrying ready cash. Do I need to draw you a picture of how this is going to go?

(The gang snicker and laugh)

George: (holding up her staff) You want it - come and get it!

Le Moo: (Evilly) You know, I love it when they say that! Okay guys!

Allez vous!

(The gang surrounds George. FIGHT SEQUENCE: They attempt to rush her, but George manages to, one by one, fight them off until it is just her and Le Moo)

Le Moo: ( looking round him at heap of injured and moaning bandits) Er ....right......erm.....let this be a warning to you, foolish traveller! Never again to cross the path of the great Le...

George: The great Le Moo is a big Jessie who doesn't know how to fight fair! Now get lost before I wallop you!

Le Moo: You dare to threaten the Great Le Moo?

George: (Throwing down her staff) Right! I've had enough of you! I'm going to sort you out!(She grabs Le Moo by the scruff of his

shirt) Call yourself a bandit - I've seen chickens scarier than you!

(Behind George's back, one of Le Moo's gang has picked up George's staff and is sneaking up on her.)

Le Moo: (seeing this - keeping George distracted) You will regret talking to the great Le Moo like this!

George: Why? What you going to do? Get another fifteen of your mates to beat me up?

Le Moo: No....just the one.

George: Huh? (The bandit whacks George on the back of the head)

Ow! That's typical - wait till my back's turned then...

(George drops down unconscious)

Le Moo: Quick! Grab her things and let's get out of here!

(The gang grab George's bundle and moneybag. The bandit who knocked George out taps Le Moo on the shoulder)

Bandit: Hey boss! Can I keep the stick ?

Le Moo: No. (Snatches it off him) My gang. My stick.

(The bandits and Le Moo run off, snickering evilly)

(Lester appears)

Lester: It's round one to the bad guys

But who says life is fair?

Good luck often wears disguise

And we've suprises still to spare....

(Lights up on George unconscious in the middle of the wood. Birdsong and forest noises)

(As George lies motionless a little head peeps round one of the trees. LITTLE DAVE is a baby dragon)

(DAVE takes a few timid steps out towards George. She gives a slight moan and moves. Dave immediately scoots back to hide behind the tree. After a bit , he timidly moves out towards her again. Until he is gently nuzzling her.)

George: (Coming to) Ooooh.....me head.......

(slowly, painfully George sits up. Totally unaware of Dave who is quizzically watching her)

What happened? (Remembers) Oh. That. Right, got to get going. Come on legs. Don't let me down when I need you.

(Very shakily, George gets to her feet. Dave comes a bit closer and watches her, head cocked to one side)

Where did I put my stuff?

(She looks around herself, catches a glimpse of Dave, but doesn't pay him any attention)

Got to be here somewh...

(She registers Dave and slowly turns to face him. Dave, a bit like an overexcited puppy comes up close and starts to nuzzle her leg)

Er.....hello. Where'd you come from, then? Are you what I think you are?

(Dave starts to jump up excitedly and do a weird little tail chasing routine.)

Well, you're not exactly what I expected a dragon to look like (amused) but at least someone's pleased to see me. What's your name then, eh?

(Dave stops and looks blankly at her)

Well, you've got to have a name, haven't you?

(Dave cocks his head on one side)

I know! What about Dave? Dave the Dragon? Do you like that?

(Dave nods his head vigorously)

Thought you would...Now, look, it's nice to have met you but I've got to get going. I've got a very important job to do and

I....(sudden realisation)......oh no! The money! The Taxes! (Looks desperately around her) The farm! It's gone! That thieving bunch of weasels! (George slumps down onto the ground) What am I going to do now? I've lost it! I've lost everything......I've.....I've.....I've let mum down. (George sniffles miserably) I just had to do one thing and I couldn't even do that. I'm useless. (Dave comes over and lays his head against her leg)

(Still miserable) Thanks Dave. It doesn't get my money back, but thanks anyway. (murderously)If I could get my hands on that little runt Le Moo, I'd rip his.......

(There's a small rustle in the trees from offstage)

Ssssh! (Whispering to Dave) What have we got here? You wait here, Dave. I'm going to see about getting my cash back.

(George creeps silently over to the tree. She makes a sudden grab behind it and pulls out by the scruff of her shirt, not a bandit, but a small rather ragged and dirty faced child - we'll call her SPUD)

(She struggles furiously as George drags her out)

All right, all right - I'm not going to hurt you.

(She starts swinging her fists furiously, but George is able to hold her at arms length)

Stop doing that!

(Spud stops swinging. George lets her go)

Right. That's better.

(Spud kicks George viciously in the ankle)

Aaaah! (George grabs Spud once more. Speaking slowly, deliberately with a great deal of force) Listen, shorty. I am having a very, very bad day. Do you see my friend over there?

(points to Dave) Well, he is a vicious, firebreathing, killer dragon..

(Dave looks around to see who George is talking about. Realises it's him. He jumps up and does his best to look

scary - it's not a complete success, but it's enough to calm Spud down)

If you don't behave yourself I'm going to get him to barbecue you. All right?

(Spud gives a fast and frightened little nod)

All right, then.

(George goes and sits back down despondently. Her head in her hands. After a bit, Spud sits down next to her. After a bit she puts her head in her hands as well. Dave looks at them. He slumps down, too)

Well, this is good, isn't it? Money down the drain. No food. Stuck in the middle of a forest with a baby dragon and.......(to Spud)...what is your name, any way?

(Spud looks blankly)

Don't say much do you?

(Spud shakes her head)

Do you ever speak?

(Spud shakes her head)

Oh.....sorry.

(Spud shrugs)

George: I'm starving....I suppose it's about lunch time. Except my lunch got nicked.

(Spud has an idea. She nudges George)

What?

(Spud produces a single potato)

What's that?

(Spud gives the potato to George.)

Thanks.....much appreciated...oh look, you've got to have a name,

everyone's got a name. Even Dave's Dave, so you can be....(looking at the potato) Spud! Okay?

(Spud doesn't look too sure)

I've got two brothers at home who'd be grateful to be called Spud...

(Spud nods "okay")

Great! Spud meet Dave. Dave meet Spud. (She holds up the potato) And everybody..... meet lunch.

Enter Lester

Lester:

A journey starts with one small step

And we're well on our way

And George must see her promise kept

Come what dangers may.

The friends made on a rocky road

Are ones you'll want to keep

Who'll help you lift a heavy load

Or climb a hill that's steep

It's when you're down and out of luck

And when you least expect it

Just when all hope is dead and gone

Good friends'll resurrect it.

Enter George, followed by Spud and Dave. Spud is throwing a stick for Dave. Who is just looking blankly at her

George: Right, you lot, let's get our bearings. Bigg City's just over the next hill. We're nearly there. Journey's end. You know, I'm really going to miss you two....

(Dave and Spud hear this and look suddenly alarmed. George sees this)

Look, I'm sorry, but I've got stuff to do once we get to the city. I've got a tax bill to pay...somehow. So, it looks like we'll have to say ....goodbye.

(Dave and Spud look at each other. Then each tries to out-do the other by looking as wide-eyed and pathetic as possible)

That's not going to work.....it just isn 't......

(They both waddle pathetically over to George)

I'm not even looking....

(Spud and Dave are now gazing wide-eyed and pathetically up at George)

Ohhhh.......all right then.

(Spud hugs George. Dave does his joyful little tail-chasing

thing)

I'm going to regret this...

(Suddenly, from off-stage, a loud, ear-splitting voice is heard)

Gertrude: SOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!

(Spud is alarmed. Dave suddenly trembles)

George: What the heck's that?

Gertrude: SOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEY!!!!PIGPIGPIGPIGPIGGGGGIE!!!!

(Dave shoots offstage. Spud hides behind George)

(There is sound of pigs oinking from offstage. A Lady in a farmer's smock wanders on. She is carrying a staff and a large sack marked "PIGGY TREATS". She is extremely dirty and, as we will discover, spends most of her working life around pigs)

Gertrude: (Calling back offstage) All right, my little darlings you just rest up a bit while mummy goes and gets your breakfast acorns (Sees George and Spud) Mornin'!

George: (Uncertainly) Morning....

Gertrude: You needn't look like that, me old Chucklebutties. 'Tis only an old pig farmer, takin' her little curly tailed darlings to market. Nothin' to be scared of. Except the smell . Nothin' I can do about that, I'm afraid.

George: (Politely) That's all right, we hadn't even noticed the....

(it suddenly hits her) Whoa!! That's strong! (Spud is silently choking)

Gertrude: (Proudly) Got a character all of it's own hasn't it? That's a lifetime working in the Pig biz that is. (holds out her hand) Gertrude's the name. Better known as Crazy Gertrude of Crazy Gertrude's Used Pigs.

George: (Shaking her hand -trying not to get too close)

Crazy?

Gertrude: Don't worry, me darlin'. It's only a sales gimmick - I ain't really crazy (She laughs loudly and crazily). And who might you be?

George: I'm George. I'm on my way to Bigg city for Taxing day. This is Spud (Spud has her nose tightly pinched shut - but waves) And this is.....(looks round for Dave - he's not there) .....where's Dave?

(Spud hunts round, wandering off stage, looking for Dave)

Gertrude: (Wandering round, picking up acorns) Bigg City eh? On me way there meself. You can have a lift in the cart if you want.

George: Oh...thanks, that'd be great

(Spud wanders back on - shaking his head)

George: No sign of him? (George takes Spud to one side) Look, Spud, perhaps it's for the best, I don't think a city'd be the best place for Dave. This is his home.

(Spud looks a bit choked but nods)

Gertrude: (Tying off her sack of Piggy Treats) All right, me old handsomes, time to hit the road. You can sit up front with me or in the back with the pig droppings.

(Another wave of Gertrude's powerful odour wafts over George and Spud)

George: (Trying not to gag) Er.....might be a bit more room in the

back. Thanks.

Gertrude: All righty! Bigg City here we come!

(They freeze in place. Lester appears. He has acquired a guitar from somewhere. He sings)

My City isn't Paris, My City isn't Rome

My City isn't London

But what the heck, it's home

My City may be crummy

To the ultimate degree

But my city's still my city

And that's good enough for me

(As he sings - the people of Bigg city enter and freeze)

Bigg City, Bigg City,

My home town paradise

Bigg City, Bigg City

So Good they named it twice

Where every single springtime

You'll smell blossom on the trees

And every single night a hint

of sewage on the breeze!

The song Stops.

George, Spud and Gertrude are now surrounded by a frozen tableau of a busy street full of Bigg City folk, including market traders, sentries, a town crier, a few beggars, Winifred (trying to give out her leaflets) They are, for the moment, all frozen.

George: So this is Bigg City? I was expecting something a bit livelier.

Gertrude: Oh, you just wait me darlin', it isn't Rush Hour yet.

George: Why, what happens then?

(A Herald - Harold , with a handbell and banner unfreezes)

Harold : (Ringing the bell) Hear ye! Hear Ye!...........

....Congestion charge now in force......it's Rush Hour !!!

(The scene instantly springs loudly and noisily to life, Spud and George are jostled, trampled and pushed around.)

Lester: (Starting up his song again)

Welcome to our city, feel the

Big Bigg city vibe

We like a fresh new face

And how we like a fresh new bribe

We're friendly and we're welcoming

Of that there is no doubt

We're glad you came to town

But there's a charge to let you out!

Gertrude: This busy enough for you, me old darlin'?

George: Yeah, plenty.

Gertrude: Well, I'm going to get off market, now, you take care of yourself, you hear. Bigg City's a bit of a shock, if you're from out of town.

George: See you then, Gertrude. And thanks.

Gertrude wanders off in search of a buyer for her pigs.

Harold: (Ringing his bell and shouting out the latest news) Hear ye! Hear ye! The morning news from the BCBC (Bigg City Broadcasting Company) with me, Harold the Herald. Good morning.

Another farmhouse goes up in flames. Are dragons to blame?

Baroness Bertha Bigg visits the site "She's a warm and wonderful human being" say survivors.

Small squirrel drops out of tree and is slightly hurt. Baroness Bigg visits squirrel. "She's a warm and wonderful human being" says Squirrel.

Fifteen percent increase in taxes announced just in time for Taxing day. Baroness Bertha says "It's because I'm worth it".

Tapestries of these and other stories available in the twelve o'clock bulletin, in the meantime......weather and sport.

(He flips round his banner to show a weather map)

(As Harold's voice fades, a number of market traders come forward to shout out their wares)

Brenda (1st Trader): Potatoes! Mouldy potatoes! All the added goodness of mould and grit! They're loverly!

Nora (2nd Trader): Apple cores! Get your apple cores! Buy three and I'll throw in the pips!

Vera (3rd Trader): Rats! Dead Rats! Ideal for rat soup, rat pie, rat sorbet, ratatouille and ........rat Kebab! (She produces a kebabed rat)

Glenys (4th Trader): Nothing! I've got absolutely nothing! Zip, Zilch, nada! Come and get it while stocks last!

George: This is the worst market I've ever seen. I thought Bigg City was supposed to be really sophisticated.

Glenys: Listen, kid, you try earning a living round here, see how you like it!

Brenda: Yeah, you tell 'er Glend! Flipping tourist! You got any idea how much tax we have to pay to her high and mightiness up in the castle?

Vera: Oh, don't get nasty with the kid! Don't mind them, love. It's taxing day today- everyone's a bit........ratty (points at her tray full of rats) ratty.....geddit? (She laughs half-heartedly)

Nora: You're right, darlin' Bigg City did used to be sophisticated.

Vera: (Sadly) Used to be swinging round here

Glenys: The city that never slept..

Brenda: The Big Apple.....

Nora: Now look at us...

Vera: Skint...

Glenys: Starvin'

Brenda: Little better than beggars...

Nora: And just look at what's happened to the beggars...

A Beggar: Have some pity, kind people! Spare a copper for a poor

destitute beggar. (reveals a sign saying "CLOSING DOWN SALE") Come on now, you've only got till the end of the week....

Nora: See? When even the beggars are going out of business, you know the economy's in trouble

George: So what happened? Why's everyone so poor?

Brenda: Well, I suppose I could sum it all up in one word.....

George: What word?

Everyone: TAX!

(Everyone freezes)

Enter Lester

Lester:Now, I can explain the taxation system of Bigg City in one of two ways. Either in the form of a detailed lecture (He produces a flip chart with a lot of complex facts and figures on it) or a song....

So let's have the lecture. (He puts on a pair of glasses)

All citizens of Bigg City pay a basic rate of 36% of per capita

Income. In which income is calculated as those sums of which may or may not be classed as taxable income...........what?

(Sighs)

All right, I'll get me guitar. (Grumbling as he goes to get it) They never let me do the lecture.....

(He starts the song)

Lester:

Every April there's a special day

A magic moment in the year

You couldn't say it was a holiday

'Cos you end up poorer than you were.

All the people gather in the market place

With every penny that they've got.

Then Mister Tax Collector shows his face

And pockets the perishing lot!

(The scene bursts into life as the people join in the song. Spud and George watch bemusedly)

All:

Taxing day, taxing day

A very, very far from relaxing day

Tax to calculate, tax to pay

When they pinch my pennies on taxing day

Brenda: (explaining to George and Spud)

There's a tax on coffee, there's a tax on tea

Nora:

There's a tax on you

Vera:

there's a tax on me

Glenys:

There's a tax on every little thing you've got

Beggar:

They've even put a tax on you know what!

All:

Taxing day, taxing day

Pick me up and take me far away!

Tell the taxman I'm on holiday

And I won't be back for Taxing day

(The lines are split among the various cast members. As They sing, boogey and explain things to George and Spud)

There's a tax on windows, there's a tax on doors

There's a tax on ceilings and a tax on floors

There's a tax on tables and a tax on chairs,

There's a tax on the size of your derriere!

ALL: (Spud and George joining in)

Taxing day, taxing day

Ban and bin it without delay!

The human race would be A-okay

In a world that didn't have taxing day

Brenda (with a bottle):

There's a tax on whisky there's a tax on beer

Glenys:

There's a tax on the taxes that you paid last year

Nora & Vera (Doing a very dodgy harmony):

They tax you triple when you sing the blues..

Beggar (Doing an Elvis):

They even put a tax on my blue suede shoes!

All: (In full all singing and dancing production number mode. Lester has acquired a pair of maracas from somewhere )

Taxing day, taxing day

Totally terrible taxing day!

All my days I will sing in praise

Of the someone who saves me from taxing day!

Taxing day, taxing day

Pick me up and take me far away!

Tell the taxman I'm on holiday

Group 1:And I won't be back......

Group 2:Won't be back....

Group 3:Won't be back....

ALL: For Taxing day...............

................What a day!

(As the song finishes and the crowd disperses. A young woman, WINIFRED, is seen hanging around, giving out leaflets, nobody takes any, in fact, she gets rather rudely jostled by some of the crowd as they move off.)

Winifred: Save the dragons........take a leaflet?........protect our endangered species.......save the dragon...

George and Spud wander curiously over to her.

Winfred: (offering a leaflet) Save the dragon?

George: What d'you mean, save the dragon?

Winfred: (Getting onto her favourite subject) I mean that the dragon is our most endangered mythical beast. There is a whole tide of Anti-Dragon hysteria sweeping through our land...

George: Is there?

Winifred: Too right! Every time there's a cottage fire or a haystack goes up in flames round here, who d'you think gets the blame?

George: Dragons, right?

Winifred: Right!

George: Has anyone round here actually ever seen a dragon start a fire?

Winifred: No, of course not!

George: Has anyone round here actually ever seen a dragon?

Winifred: Not sure.....don't think so.

George: Let me put this another way.......have you ever seen a dragon.

Winifred: Oh yeah, I've seen....loads ....of.....illustrations of dragons....very, very detailed pictures of them.... in all their dragonness......

George: You've never seen a dragon, have you?

Winifred: (getting fed up) Look, just take a leaflet will you, I'm very busy!

George: Oh....right.....come on then, Spud, looks like this lady doesn't want to hear about the dragon we saw in the wood, let's just leave her alone to look at her illustrations..

(Spud and George start to leave. Winfred hurries after them and stops them)

Winifred: Hang on! What did you say?

George: I'm saying we actually saw one in the woods.

Winifred: Yeah..sure (She looks at them) You're not joking, are you? (Getting excited) Oh crikey! This is amazing! You've got to tell me all about it.

George: Well...what d'you want to know?

Winfred: How big?

(Spud, like a fisherman, mimes "that big")

Winifred: Sounds like a stage one. What colour?

George: Well....red.

Winifred: A stage one Red Flameback. Wow.... It's Thousands of years since the last one was seen!

George: How d'you know so much about it?

Winfred: (Producing an old battered book from under her leaflets) From this....Old Fizzlers Almanac of Dragons......it's the standard work on all things.....dragony.

George: (Taking the book) Where did you get this from? (passes the book to Spud, who starts leafing through it)

Winifred: From my Auntie Grizelda - she was a wise woman.

George: You mean a witch ?

Winfred: (Very definitely) No! I mean a wise woman! Only ignorant layabouts from Bigg City use the word witch!

(Spud tugs George's sleeve and points at a picture in the book)

George: Hey! That's Dave! That's our Dragon!

Winifred: I told you....a Red Flameback in the primary stage.

George: Wow! Look....who are you, anyway?

Winfred: (Mysteriously) They call me Winifred the Wise.

George: Who does?

Winifred: oh, you, know.....they do....people.

George: What people?

Winifred: Me. I do. I'm people.

George: Whatever.....look, Winifred, I'm George and this is Spud. What else can you tell us about.....

(A fanfare sounds. The people start hurrying back on.)

Winifred: Sorry, it'll have to wait. They're starting the Tax-gathering. And I don't pay tax on principle.

George: What principle?

Winifred: Haven't got any money. I'll catch up with you later, okay?

(Winifred scurries quickly off . The people of Bigg City, each

carrying a small moneybag form a long diagonal queue. At the same time, the guards bring on a small table and stool. Next to it is a large wooden chest, used for depositing money. A mild-mannered, bespectacled little figure carrying a large ledger wanders on and Sits at the table. This is Squidley, the Chancellor of Bigg City.)

Guard 1: (Calling out) Citizens of Bigg City, let the Taxing begin!

(The first one is Nora)

Squidley: (Politely) Good morning. Name please?

Nora: Pippin. Nora Pippin.

Squidley: And your trade?

Nora: Apple Cores.

Squidley: Good. And how much did you make this year?

Nora: Six shillings, eight pence two farthings.

Squidley: So that's tax owing of Six shillings, eight pence and one farthing.

Nora: (Breathing a sigh of relief) Oh well...at least I've got a farthing to get me through the winter..

Squidley: Plus one Farthing administrative costs. In the chest please.

(Miserably, Nora dumps her cash into the money chest)

(Next in the Queue is Gertrude)

Squidley: Next please...(He gets a whiff of Gertrude)....oh dear.

Gertrude: Mornin' me old Scrungebucket. The names Fazackerly, Gertrude Fazackerly. Owner and Sole proprietor of Crazy Gertrude's Used Pigs. Or as we calls 'em "Porkers With Personality"! And this year, me old love, I made thirty six shillings, three pence three farthings.

Squiudley: Very good. In the chest, please.

Gertrude: Here's your thirty six shillings and three pence

(Dumps her money in the chest.)

Squidley: And the three farthings?

Gertrude: Well now, darlin' will you accept trade goods in exchange?

Squidley: Oh....I'm not sure....well...just this once.

Gertrude: All righty then (She plops a small bag on the table)

There you are.

Squidley: What's that?

Gertrude: That's three farthings worth of prime quality pig droppings or " the manure of the gods" as we call it. Do wonders for your rhubarb. Cheerio.

Squidley: Erm......next....please?

(Spud and George have been pushed to the back of the queue)

George: This is hopeless! We're going to be here all day! (Gets an idea) Spud, can you cry?

(Spud looks suspiciously at him.)

George: Well, just try it!

(Spud screws up her face and gives a silent imitation of a child weeping)

George: It'll have to do. Okay then .....here goes!

(George starts pushing her way through to the front of the queue holding a "weeping" Spud by the hand.)

George: 'scuse me! Lost child coming through....now where did you last see mummy?

(Spud points towards the front of the queue.)

George: (Pushing her way through to Squidley's desk) Thank

you...(To Squidley) Hi!

Squidley: Morning. Name?

George: George.

Squidley: Address?

George: Clover Top Farm, Edge of DragonScar Woods.

Squidley: (Looking up George's details in the Ledger) Ah..here we are. Well, according to our records, you only have to make a final payment of Four shillings and sixpence.

George: Yes.....that's right.

Squidley: Well....would you like to make your payment please?

George: Yeah, sure....

Squidley: Now?

George: Well....bit of a problem there.......it's quite an interesting story actually......what happened was this....

(A fanfare sounds. The Guards click to attention. Squidley stands up. PLANK, the personal bodyguard of Baroness Bertha enters. He is a medieval version of a secret service bodyguard. He wears shades. He has his finger in his ear. He gives the whole of the market square a look before nodding offstage)

George: What's happening?

(Baroness Bertha Bigg enters. She is very glamorously dressed and waves regally to the people in the square. They bow and curtsey back)

Bertha: Greetings, greetings my people. Your beloved Baroness greets you one and all on this gloriously sunny taxing day!

Let the coffers be filled with the hard earned pennies of a grateful people.

(She moves down the queue shaking hands, in the manner of a Royal visit)

George: (To Squidley) Who's that?

Squidley: (Amazed) You really don't know? That's Baroness Bertha

Bigg. Ruler of Bigg City.

George: You mean she's in charge?

Squidley: Of course.

George: Right! (George walks across to her) Erm....excuse me.(Plank moves to intercept her)

Bertha: Yes?

George: I was wondering, your Fabulousness, if I could possibly have a quick word.

Bertha: (looking around her at the watching crowd, wanting to make a good impression) Of course, my door is always open to my beloved subjects.....even if they are rather poor and smelly.

George: Well.....ma'am.....it's like this. I've travelled all the way from home to pay the taxes on our family farm.

Bertha: How marvellous!

George: But, you see, before I could get here, my money was stolen.

Bertha: How Awful!

George: Yeah...I got ambushed by bandits and they stole all my things.

Bertha: How Ghastly!

George: Including my tax money. So now I can't pay my taxes!

Bertha: How.......does this affect me? I don't get it, sorry.

George: I can't pay my taxes! You do understand, don't you?

Bertha: (Sympathetically) Of course. It must be a very trying

time for you. Perhaps this will help. Squidley.....

(Squidley hands Bertha a small pamphlet)

Bertha: (Handing the pamphlet to George) I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

(She moves regally away, waving)

George: (looks at the pamphlet) Hang on! What's this? "Coping with Homelessness". I'm not homeless. I've got a home. I just don't have my tax money.

Bertha: (Sighing deeply) Now....look......peasant. I've tried to be supportive. I really don't know what else I could do.

George: You could not make me homeless for a start!

Bertha: (Crossing to Squidley) How much does she owe?

Squidley: Four shillings and sixpence.

Bertha: Is that all? I could easily let you off .

George: (Relieved) Thanks....

Bertha: But I'm not going to.

Squidley: It's not the money you see, it's the principal of the thing.

Bertha: No, Squidley, it's not the principal of the thing, it is the money! Which you don't have - so bye bye to nice warm housey! Hello damp gutter in Bigg City!

George: (Getting angry) You mean to say you'd really take away my home over four shillings

Squidley: ...and sixpence.

Bertha: Yes....and I'd be smiling while I did it.

(Bertha, followed by Plank exits smiling and waving)

George: (Furious) That's NOT FAIR! (Sees the bag on Squidley's table) If the money means so much to you, you can have this lot as well!

(She hurls the bag off stage, after Bertha. There is a distant "YECCH!". A moment later, Bertha enters. Her face smeared with the contents of the bag - three farthings worth of quality pig poo)

Bertha: (Screaming) BODYGUARD!

(Plank is on, sees Bertha, and , in true secret service style, knocks her to the ground and lies flat on top of her, the two guards advance on George. Spud leaps in between them, stamps viciously on one Guards foot, delivers a running head butt to the stomach of the second guard and on the way back, stamps on the other guard's other foot. He grabs George's hand and they exit speedily. In the confusion, the not-so willing taxpayers start to sneak silently off-stage.

Bertha: (struggling to her feet, still smeared with poo, all dignity gone, screaming) AND WHERE DO YOU LOT THINK YOU'RE GOING!?!(They slink miserably back into line. Bertha storms off)

Squidley: (As if nothing had happened) Erm.......next?

SCENE CHANGE : Into Bertha's private apartments. There is a throne and a small side table. There a much smaller stool for Squidley to sit on.

(The two guards are receiving a dressing down from Bertha. Plank is hovering close.)

(A serving lady with a towel is attempting to wipe off Bertha's face, but, as she keeps pacing furiously up and down, it isn't easy.)

Bertha: (Furiously angry) I have never....ever....ever...been so utterly humiliated in my life! Do you realise what this is going to do for my image. My carefully cultivated image..... Glamorous ...gorgeous...caring Bertha. All that's down the drain because you two couldn't guard your Grandmother's big toe! Now would someone please try to explain to me what just happened out there?

Guard 1: Er....poo....ma'am.

Bertha: I'm sorry?

Guard 2: You was hit by a small bag of poo, ma'am, flung in your general direction by a common ne'er do well.

Guard 1: Could have been a rapscallion, we get a lot of those too.

Guard 2: Might have been a scallywag, you know.

Guard 1: How about a scamp? Could have been a scamp....

Guard 2: Naah, too big for a......

Bertha: (Screaming) SHADDAP!!! (Breathing hard to recover her composure) Now listen to me, doughnut brains, you two are going to find that miserable peasant and bring her to me. You're going to do it very, very quickly. And for the one of you who brings her to me first, there's a very special reward

(The guards perk up at the mention of rewards)

Thought that might get your attention. Well, the reward for the one who brings me the peasant is.........you get to keep breathing. Now GET OUT OF HERE!

(Plank shoves the two guards out, the serving lady flaps around Bertha with a towel)

Bertha: (Impatiently) Oh for pity's sake leave me alone! Go and get me some lunch .........now!

(The serving lady runs out quickly)

Bertha: And as for you, Plank, where were you when I was in mortal danger from the mob?

Plank: (Who also talks like a Secret Service man) I was securing the perimeter, Ma'am.

Bertha: No you weren't....I'll tell you what you were doing, Plank, you were wandering around with your finger stuck in your ear. Why do you do that, Plank?

Plank: Small pixie, ma'am.

Bertha: Pixie?

(The Serving woman returns with a plate on which is a chicken drumstick and a jug of wine and a glass.)

Plank: Pixie, ma'am. All members of the Guild of Bodyguards have a small Pixie implanted in their ears. To receive instructions.

Bertha: (Bemused) So you're telling me that my personal safety depends on........I can't believe I'm saying this.... a pixie stuck in your ear.

Plank: Yes ma'am. The pixie apologises for taking his eye off the

Ball today. But he asks me to assure you that he'll be there for that next bag of poo.

Bertha: (Picks up the wine glass, drains it. To the serving woman) Leave the bottle. I think I'm going to need it.

(The serving lady leaves the tray on a side table, bows and exits)

Bertha: Plank, much as I'd like to keep talking to you, I'm getting a headache, so why don't you and your ....pixie friend....just run along and......

Plank: Secure the perimeter, ma'am?

Bertha: Yes (as if talking to a child).....that sounds good. It was looking a bit iffy when I passed it in the hall. Off you go then...

(Plank exits. Squidley enters, carrying his ledger. Bertha flops down on the throne, swigging wine and nibbling at the chicken.)

Bertha: (Miserably) Ah, Squidley, just in time, I could do with some cheering up. How much did we collect today?

Squidley: (Sitting down on the small stool - he just about comes up to Bertha's elbow) Well, we've got the final figure for taxing day just here (points at a page of the book) if you'd care to look.

Bertha: (Takes a sip of wine, looks at the book and instantly chokes)......whaat? ......(recovering) Is that it?

Squidley: I'm afraid so, Ma'am. It is a bit......disappointing.

Bertha: Disappointing? It's pathetic! How am I......(stops and corrects herself) .....how is the city expected to survive on that?

Squidley: Times are hard....Ma'am. The people are struggling to make ends meet.

Bertha: Oh, rubbish. If they can afford to stuff themselves with apple cores and mouldy potatoes, they can afford to pay a bit more tax.

Squidley: I'm not so sure, Ma'am. Look at what happened today in

the square. The people are becoming restless. There is something strange and ominous in the wind...

Bertha: (Sniffs herself) Probably the last of that Pig manure, sorry, I thought I'd got it off.

Squidley: I mean, ma'am, that things are very tense in Bigg City.

The least little thing could set them off - like those mysterious cottage fires....

Bertha: (Her mind revolving) Yes....those fires, someone said it was dragons...ridiculous of course, there haven't been any dragons round here for.....

Squidley: Centuries, at least.....it's all just a rumour spread by some ignorant peasants.

Bertha: (Mind going full speed, a wicked grin slowly spreading across her face) of course it is......but just suppose......just suppose it wasn't?

Squidley: Ma'am - I don't underst...

(Bertha pinches Squidleys nose shut - to his great discomfort)

Bertha: Shush Squidley, there's a good boy, Bertha's trying to think. (She gets up and starts to wander, thinking, oblivious to the fact that she's still got hold of Squidley's nose) Suppose there really was a dragon - a huge, dangerous, firebreathing dragon that threatened to destroy Bigg City and everything in it? What would the people think then, eh? Squidley?

Squidley: (Speaking as best as he can) Ney'd ne nerrified...

Bertha: (Her face lighting up with a manic, slightly insane glow) Exactly, Squidley.......terrified....and their terror they would turn to me, their beloved Baroness to protect them. And if......let's just say.....for the sake of argument.......I was to introduce a special tax to pay for their safety.........a....Dragon Tax....the poor fools would be only too happy to pay it....(She is beginning to laugh diabolically in true "villain hatching an evil scheme" manner) it's perfect! It's foolproof!

Squidley: (Trying to get her attention)....Er....na'am?

Bertha: (Seeing him) Oh, sorry..(Lets go of his nose) you were

saying?

Squidley: This is extremely dangerous ma'am! It's also deeply dishonest and I refuse to have anything to do......

(She pinches his nose shut again)

Bertha: Sorry, Squidley, I though you were saying something important. (Bertha is now in full evil genius mode) Now, in order for Bertha's naughty little scheme to work, I'm going to need to stage a little bit of a drama. Squidley....I think you're about to show the world your previously undiscovered talent as an actor.....

(Bertha looks evilly down at Squidley- Squidley looks terrified. Bertha's diabolical laughter fills the stage as the lights go down.)

SCENE CHANGE: Back in the Square. It's nighttime. The guards are mingling with the people wandering around. Brenda, Nora, Vera and Glenys are scattered around, chatting, counting their few remaining coppers, resting their aching feet. A couple of figures who could be beggars are slumped on the ground with their backs to us. Shrouded in tatty blankets, their heads covered.

Guard 1: (Kicking one of the beggar-type shapes) Hey, you!

(The shape makes a grunting noise) You seen anyone unusual around tonight (another grunt). Like that kid who threw the ....stuff at Baroness Bertha? (a negative-sounding grunt) Well you make sure that you report it if you do.

Guard 2: Ah come on, you're not going to get any sense out of him.

(The guards wander off. The "beggars" slip off their blankets. It's George, Winifred and Spud)

George: Great. Just Great. I'm in Bigg city for two minutes and I'm being hunted by the law. Why do these things happen to me?

Winifred: Bertha doesn't like being made a fool of - it's a dignity thing.

George: Yeah....(to Spud) still, it was a good shot, wasn't it?

(Spud grins and gives a thumbs up)

So go, on, Winifred, you were telling us about Dave. You said he

was a - a what - a "stage one". Does that mean he's only a puppy?

Winifred: No, not at all, he's probably thousands of years old. He's probably been wandering the woods all this time.

George: But he's titchy......how come he hasn't grown at all?

Winifred: He hasn't grown because people don't believe in dragons anymore. When people stop believing in them, dragons die out....or shrink. All that stuff about dragons living on maidens or eating peasants is a load of pig plop. Dragons don't need to eat to live, they live off large amounts of energy.

George: Energy? Where do they get it from?

Winifred: From us, from people. When we believe in dragons. We give off energy. That enables the dragons to survive. Like now,

people don't really believe in Dragons - or they won't admit to it. But at the back of their superstitious little minds there's just enough belief to keep a harmless little stage one mini-dragon like Dave going for centuries.

George: So what would happen if people started properly believing in dragons again? Like suppose everyone in Bigg City started believing in Dragons again?

(Winifred takes out Old Fizzler's almanac and opens it)

Winifred: (Pointing to a picture) That's what would happen.

Stage two.

George: (gulping) I wouldn't like to meet him in a dark alley....

Winifred: It'd have to be a big alley. That's not all, though....

George: (Fearfully) I had a feeling it wasn't....

Winifred: Well, unfortunately, the most powerful form of energy is negative energy. Things like hate and fear. Dragons lap it up. If people suddenly started fearing and hating dragons like in the old days.....

George: What?

(Winifred slowly and hesitantly turns to the next page of the book)

Winifred: (Indicating a picture) That. Stage three.

George: (wide-eyed) He's the size of a mountain! That's not going to happen.......is it? It couldn't. Something like that could destroy Bigg City..the woods... everything....Win, please tell me that's not going to happen.

Winifred: (Shrugs and closes the book) Who knows? All my life, ever since I was younger than her (indicates Spud who has fallen asleep) I've wanted to see a dragon. Never have, though.

My Auntie Grizelda once saw a stage two in the mountains, a great silver Snow Dragon flying round a mountain top, breathing out flames of ice. She said it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.

It's daft, isn't it? I've spent most of my life trying to save creatures I've never seen, which probably don't exist......in fact, I'd almost got to the point of giving up on dragons for good. And then you two come along and tell me you've made friends with one. This has been a very confusing day....

George: You never know Winfred....I might be able to introduce you to Dave, one day.

Winifred: I'd like that.

George: In the meantime....I'm going to try and get some sleep.

(George curls up on the ground)

'Night, Winifred.

Winifred: 'Night, George. (Winifred looks up into the night sky, she pulls her blanket tightly around her. She gives a little shiver.)

Lights slowly down.

Lights up on The Square. It's morning. Spud, George and Winifred are curled up asleep on the ground. The market traders are setting up for the day. Harold is wandering in ready to give the morning news. George starts to wake up.

George: Ooooooh...me back. Note to self. Don't go to sleep on damp cobblestones ever again. (Gives Spud a nudge. She starts to rouse herself stiffly and unwillingly) Rise and shine. (Feels her stomach rumbling) Don't suppose you've got another potato

for breakfast, have you? (Spud shakes her head). Too bad. Now if I could just stop my head from aching....

Harold: (At the top of his voice)....HEAR YE! HEAR YE!

George: (The noise going through her head like a knife) That's not really helping.....

Harold: It's the Morning news from the BCBC with me, Harold the Herald. Good Morning Bigg City! First, the traffic report....

(He is cut short by Squidley running on, disguised as a peasant. His tatty peasant clothes are singed and blackened. He's taken off his glasses. Which makes him very short sighted)

Squidley: (Yelling) Help! Help me! My home! My family! Murdered! Destroyed! Incinerated! By....by.....by...

Harold: By what?

Squidley: (Taking a big dramatic pause) Dragons!

Harold: (Excitedly slipping into reporter mode) Breaking news here in Bigg City, folks! Dragon-related mayhem reaches a new high!

(A crowd starts to gather around Squidley and Harold)

Squidley: It was awful.....

Harold: In your own words sir, just describe what happened.

Squidley: There were at least fifteen of them. All with three heads.

Squirting out fire and smoke and ........poison.

Harold: Poison?

Squidley: They ate my wife and children.

Harold: A multiple devouring by fifteen three-headed dragons!!!

Folks, BCBC is going to stay with this story all day if we have to!

Winfred: (crossing to Squidley and Harold) Excuse Me! Exactly what colour were these dragons?

Squidley:Er.....green?

Winifred: (Emphatically) Green dragons don't breath fire.

Squidley: Er...silvery Gold?

Winfred: A mountain dragon?

Squidley: Yes..that's it! Definitely a mountain dragon!

Winifred: (Pleasantly) Oh well....you should have said.... (Suddenly sharpl) they only live in the mountains and they don't breathe fire either - they breathe ice - I suppose they could deep freeze your house - but yours was burnt down, right?

Squidley: Erm.....red?

Winifred: A red dragon with three heads?

Squidley: Erm........it could have been three dragons standing very close together.

Winifred: Look, I don't mean to be rude, Mister....

Squidley: (blagging desperately) er.......Spoon. Fred Spoon.

Winfred: (Suddenly turning into a hot-shot prosecuting lawyer) It's just that your story isn't very accurate is it? In fact your story is the biggest load of cobbles since the cobble factory offered double discount cobbles during national cobble week. I would go so far, Mister Spoon, as to suggest that you, Mister Spoon, have never in fact seen a dragon in your entire life? Isn't that the truth, Mister Spoon?

(The crowd is looking quizzically at Squidley. Who looks desperately back at them)

Squidley: Er......er.....(takes a deep breath)....DRAGONS!!!!!

(It's as if Winifred had never spoken. The crowd are shocked back into fearful muttering)

Harold: And that proves it as far as this reporter is concerned, folks!! Multi -coloured, Three headed dragons are on the rampage!!!

(Fanfare. Enter Bertha with Plank)

Bertha: (Innocently) What is all the commotion, My people? What

is it that troubles you? And what can, I your loving Baroness do to ease your pain?

Brenda: Save us from the dragons, Ma'am!

Vera: They'll devour us all!!

Nora: They ate this man's house!

Glenys: They've all got fifteen heads!!!

(The crowd starts running and gibbering in complete panic,

throwing themselves in front of Bertha. Begging her to save them)

Bertha: (holding up her hand for silence) Peace! Never fear, my people, for I, your fearless and incredibly glamorous ruler shall protect you. I shall send out a summons for the greatest warriors in the land to come to Bigg City. We shall hold a great tournament and select the very bravest of all the Knights to go forth and exterminate the Dragons!

(There is wild applause and cheering)

Of course.....(The cheering stops)......knights don't come cheap. It'll mean paying just a teensy weensy little bit more tax, like ....maybe ....double?

(The crowd look uncertainly at each other. They're not sure)

Bertha: (out of the side of her mouth) Squidley........

Squidley: DRAGONS!!!!!!

(They're convinced. More wild applause and cheering. A chant slowly builds up. "Kill-The-Dragons-Kill-them-all Kill-The-Dragons-Kill-them-all" until the whole crowd is chanting. Bertha is basking in their adoration. She puts a protective arm round Squidley's shoulder. He looks uncomfortable. The chant is growing louder and louder - the only ones not chanting are Spud, George and Winfred, who are stood away from the crowd. The crowd freezes. A spot on the three of them)

Winifred: (opening the book-looking at the picture) It's started.....it's started and no-one can stop it!

George: (Fearfully) Stage two? (Winifred nods) Oh...Dave..

(The light goes down on them. From the other side of the stage a spot picks up Dave as he wanders on from the other side. The chant begins again. Very, very quiet at first, but building in volume and menace. As it does, Dave sniffs the air quizzically and then his body begins to shake violently and smoke begins to drift round him. As the shouting reaches it's height.......sudden blackout. End of scene)

(A "Rocky" type fanfare. Lester enters)

Lester: (Like a sporting MC) Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's the match of the millenium! It's the night the knights come out to play.

It's the Bigg City Classic sponsored by Crazy Gertrude's Used Pigs.

-The Porkers you Love to come home to! One of these lucky knights will not only win the title of Champion of Bigg City but also be awarded the privilege of getting mashed up bad by a huge fire-breathing dragon. So without any further ado.....Lllllllets Gettt Reeeadddy to Rrrrrrrrrrrumble!!!!!!

(Massive cheers as the lights go up on the crowd, who now resemble a crowd at sporting event, with scarves and banners bearing big letter Bs. Harold is interviewing two Knights.)

Harold: Thank you, Lester, here at the ringside, I've got two of our competitors, Sir Barry of Chell and Sir Giles of The Westlands. Gentlemen, how do you fancy your chances today? Sir Giles?

Giles: (Rather posh) Well I've been in training for months and I think I can honestly say I'm at the peak of my fitness. Just itching to get out there and have a whack at that bally old dragon.

Harold: Sir Barry?

Barry: (Not so posh ) Yeah, well, I ant been trainin' that much cos training's for big Jessies like him. I just been bangin' me head against a rock for three weeks. Toughen me head up, like.(To Giles) But I'm ready for ya, petal...anytime ya want!

Giles: Why, you ghastly little oik, I've got a good mind to give you a jolly good thrashing....

(They square up to each other - Harold parts them)

Harold: Gentlemen, gentlemen, Save it for the dragon.....But of course, the big story here at Ringside is that the hot favourite for this event, Sir Brad of Pitt has not yet arrived. Sir Brad, nephew of our own beloved Baroness Bertha is, of course, a legend on the tournament Circuit, being voted the Knight of the year for six years running..... (an excited murmur runs through the crowd).....Wait a minute, there's a little bit of excitement here at ringside....is it....could it be.....yes! Ladies and Gentlemen our favourite has arrived. I give you.......Sir Brad of Pitt!

(A brass band march strikes up and a troop of hyper energetic, brightly smiling cheerleaders - the Bradettes- enters complete with pompoms. They do their routine)

B- R - A- D

He's The Guy for You and Me!

P-I-T-T

He'll go down in History

He's Funky!

He's Spunky!

He's Altogether Hunky!

He's Rough!

He's Tough!

He's more than Man Enough!

Serpents, monsters, Dragons too!

Brad will finish all of you!

He won't need to stop and think

When he gets through -you'll be extinct!

B-R-A-D

B-R-A-D

B-R-A-D

B-R-A-D

Brad!!!

(They finish with pompoms in a cluster out of which to screams from the ladies, Sir Brad of Pitt steps. He is tall,confident and handsome)

Brad: (Every inch a star meeting his adoring fans) Hi Bigg

City!You've seen the rest, now meet the best (A dazzling toothpaste commercial smile).

Harold: (Over to him) Sir Brad, it's an honour to speak to you, Sir.

Brad: It sure is.

Harold: How do you think you're going to do in this event?

Brad: Well, I think the competition against me have a very good chance.

Harold: They do?

Brad: Yeah......two chances in fact.......Fat Chance and No chance!!!

(Nora sidles over with an autograph book and pencil)

Brad: (Taking the book and signing it. He looks into her eyes) Hi, Gorgeous.

(Nora faints. Brad and Harold step over her)

Harold: So, Sir Brad, do you have any message for the dragons out there?

Brad: I sure do (He takes out his sword- and turns into Dirty Harry) This here is a Dragonslayer .45, the most powerful broadsword ever manufactured. You see, little scaly punks, what you got to ask yourself is, do you feel lucky? Well do ya feel lucky....punk?

Harold: It looks like it's going to be a humdinger of a tournament here in Bigg City tonight. This is Harold the Herald with Sir Brad of Pitt live from ringside!

(The Crowd suddenly reverses itself. We are now looking at their backs but the tournament is continuing behind them. We hear the occasional "ooh" and "aaah" from the crowd as the first match gets under way)

(Enter George, Winifred and Spud)

George: I can't believe this is happening! Those idiots fell for everything they were told!

Winifred: And now instead of a fake dragon problem. We're going to get a fire breathing, city-burning, peasant toasting, very very real dragon problem.

George: Just so that greedy old bat Bertha can her hands on some more of their money

(A big "ooooh" from the Crowd in response to the action in the match. Spud is jumping up and down trying to see over the heads of the crowd)

George: Isn't there anything we could do?

Winifred: We could try and get Dave as far away from Bigg City as possible - If he hasn't already gone into stage one. Get him up into the mountains. He'd be safe there.

(A big "woooooo!" from the crowd)

George: Spud, what's happening?

(Spud draws a finger across her throat)

Winifred: I think someone just lost on penalties.

(Sir Giles is carried across the stage by Lester and Harold - he's just lost his fight with Brad)

Giles: (Barely conscious) Oooooh...Nanny, I think I need some ointment on my knee - it's come off.......

(Sir Barry Enters in time to see Giles being carried off)

Harold : (To Barry as he exits with Giles) You're on next, Sir Barry. Try and spin it out a bit, Sir Brad clobbered this one senseless in eighteen seconds! (Exits)

(Barry is looking nervous)

George: You all right, mate?

Barry: (Getting decidedly cold feet) Er yeah......yeah.....Do me a favour?

George: Sure.

Barry: (Passing her the sword) Just hold that for a sec, will ya,

I've got to do up me shoelaces.

George: You haven't got any shoelaces.

Barry: (Taking off his helmet and looking down) Oh...right .....tell you what.......just look after this for me as well (he plonks his helmet on George's head) Right.....see ya! (He scampers off)

George: (Holding the sword and wearing the helmet) What's up with him ?

(Harold enters, sees George with his back to him - mistakes him for Barry)

Harold : (Taking George by the arm and leading him off stage) come on, Barry, Lad, let's give 'em what they came for, a bit of blood and guts......

George: (Protesting as she is led off stage) Hang on.... I'm not..

Harold: Save it for the match.....

(They go off stage. Winifred and Spud look frantically at each other, then dodge through the Crowd's legs)

(The crowd now reverses so that we can see the match. Brad, having just won, is basking in the adoration of his fans who, led by the cheerleaders are chanting Brad- Brad-Brad. Bertha and Squidley are sat on rostra )

(Winfred and spud appear through the legs of the crowd. Harold drags an unwilling George into the ring)

Lester: (As MC) And now, tournament fans, we come to our ultimate match for the title Champion of Bigg City. In the Red corner, the undisputed champion, the favourite of fans everywhere...Sir Brad of Pitt!!

(Huge cheers for Brad)

And in the Blue corner - the Challenger - Sir Barry of Chell

(A little scattered applause)

Brad: (Coming forward) I'd just like say that I'm going to dedicate this contest and my inevitable victory to all my loyal Bigg

City fans and, in particular, to one special lady - my beloved Auntie Bertha. Hey, auntie. This one's for you!

(Bertha blows him a kiss)

Lester: Gentlemen to your corners. Let battle commence!

(George is having trouble keeping the sword, which is very heavy, upright. He takes a few faltering steps and the sword collapses to the ground. He tries again. No better. Brad is watching incredulously. He looks at the crowd and mimes a yawn)

Winifred: (from the crowd) George! Get out of there! He'll kill you!

George: (sarcastic) Oh really? You think?

(Brad walks over to George and makes a broad sweep with his sword - George ducks. Brad makes another one from the opposite direction - George ducks and dropping the sword, crawls on all fours behind Brad. Brad swivels round and raises up his sword. George darts between his legs. The sword crashes onto the ground, missing George)

(Brad is now getting frustrated. He swivels again and heads towards George, who is hunched up on the floor. He raises his sword again, only to have George tickle him under the armpit. Brad giggles involuntarily and drops his sword. George scurries away again to the opposite side of the ring.)

Brad: Okay, jerk. You wanna play games?

(Harold passes Brad a large armoured spiked ball on a chain)

Brad: (Smiling wickedly) Let's play some more...

(Brad advances on George, swinging the ball, they manouevre round in a circle. Brad swings the ball at George, it misses and hits Harold instead. He crashes to the ground. Brad forces George round and round, until he finally has George cornered.)

Brad: (swinging the ball) Night, Night, punk!

(Spud quickly breaks out from the crowd and crouches behind Brad. George takes the hint and pushes Brad, who

goes sprawling over Spud)

(The guards and Plank try to catch Spud, but she is too quick and darts out through the crowd. George goes over to her Sword. Brad picks up the armoured ball and starts swinging again, moving over to George)

Harold: (Groggily regaining consciousness) There are people on the pitch....they think it's all over...

(Brad swings again, misses and wallops Harold)

Harold: (Sinking to his knees) It is now........(He collapses)

(George holds up her sword, Brad's chain wraps round it. They are now tangled together and have an undignified push and pull before George drops her sword and rushes over to where Brad dropped his sword. She tries to pick it up - it's even heavier than the first one. Brad sees this and smiles, he pulls off his gauntlets)

Brad: (Advancing on George - ready to throttle her) This...ends...now!

(Just as Brad is on top of her George finally manages to pull the sword up to waist height - her elbow connects with Brad's groin. He doubles over and freezes. His face a mixture of surprise and excruciating pain)

George: Er....sorry!

Bertha: (From her seat...) Somebody! Do something!

Lester bounces into the ring and holds up George's hand.

Lester: And we have a winner! Let's hear it for Sir Barry of Chell!

(The crowd goes wild with delight)

George: Wait a minute (The crowd is quiet . She takes off her helmet)...the name's George.

Bertha: It's her! The urchin! The one who ...assaulted me! Get her you fools...

(The guards and Plank advance on George)

Brenda (from the crowd): Hang on! She won it fair and square!

Nora: Yeah....she's the champion!

Glenys: She's the one who'll save us from the dragons!

George: You don't understand ! There aren't any dragons! Well

there's one - but he's only three feet long and he wouldn't hurt..

Vera: (ignoring her) We want George!

(The chant is taken up by the whole of the crowd - We Want George! We want George! The crowd comes forward, George is picked up onto their shoulders, still protesting...)

George: I'm not a champion! I don't want to do this! Put me down!

(Bertha holds up her hand for silence)

Bertha: (coming down from her seat) Very well, my people. You have spoken. George, you are our champion, you shall defeat the dragons for us. Have you anything to say?

George: (Sadly) What's the point? You wouldn't listen, anyway.

Bertha: Correct. And now you must prepare for your mighty task.

You have many dangers to face and many perils to overcome. (Smiling) and who can tell whether you will live to tell the tale?

(slowly, the lighting begins to change, becoming red, ominous and fearful)

The dragons are out there, waiting and watching. If we show weakness they will be upon us they will destroy us and turn this land to smoking cinders. You, George, you are our last hope. You must not fail. You may not fail. You are our champion, George. You are - our hero!

(As the lights on the crowd go down, a shadow, an outline appears, projected onto the castle walls. It is Dave's head. But it is a bigger version and it is accompanied by a terrible deep animal noise. A spot remains fixed on George's terrified face as the noise gets louder. Blackout)

END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO:

(A dark and particularily gloomy part of the forest)

Le Moo and a Red Toadstool are sat on the ground. LeMoo's (George's) staff is lying on the ground . They are dividing up the contents of George's money bag.

Le Moo (counting out coins): That's one for me, one for you....er wait a moment, what's that over there?

Red T: (looking round) What? Where?

(Le Moo quickly gives himself another two coins)

Le Moo: It was probably nothing.....where were we?

Red T: Er...one for me.

Le Moo: Of course...one for me and one for you...are you sure there's nothing out there?

Red T: (Turning round to point) I just looked, there's nothing....

(Le Moo counts himself another two coins. Red T turns back to see her own rather pathetic little pile of coins and Le Moo's much bigger one)

Le Moo: Sorry.....I got distracted. Where were we again?

Red T: (suspiciously) One for me.....no, wait....I mean one for you!

Le Moo: Okay...one for me, then. And one for you...

(There is a distant dragon like roar. They both look up)

Red T: How did you do that?

Le Moo: I didn't!

Red T: Then what did?

Le Moo: I don't know.

Red T: Quick, let's count the loot and get out of here...

Le Moo: Okay, one for me and ......oh dear, that's all the money....

Red T: (Jumping up) You.....you are a dirty thief!

Le Moo: Your point being?

Red T: I'm having the stick! (Snatches the staff)

Le Moo: No way! My Gang, my stick!

Red T: Get your own stick , you big bully!

Le Moo: (Grabbing the stick) I am the great Le Moo, and I order you to....

(The dragon's roar sounds again..louder and much closer)

Red T: What is that?

Le Moo: I don't know, but it's getting closer....

Red T: I changed my mind, boss, you can have the stick!

(The Red Toadstool drops the stick , scoops up her few coins and runs off)

Le Moo: (Triumphantly) Aha! Once again the great Le Moo triumphs!

I get the cash AND the stick! Truly I am the great and terrible....

(The dragons roar sounds deafeningly. Le Moo whirls round to look out front... a wash of red light and plumes of smoke envelop the stage)

Le Moo: (In terror) Oh no! ....Keep back! .......I have a stick.......you cannot harm me....I am the great and terrible Le Mooooooo.......

(His last words are drowned out by the sound of flames. Blackout)

Spotlight picks up Lester.

LESTER:

Don't mess with a dragon

Don't put them to the test

'cos if it ever comes to that

You're always second best!

Don't aggravate a dragon

'Cos dragons are no joke

And You'll end up a pile of cinders

And a little plume of smoke

So please don't vex that dragon

Don't go playing silly games

Or you'll feel a warm sensation

As your bum goes up in flames

So don't ever...

Never ever......

Absolutely....

Positively.....

Never

Mess

With

A Dragon....

(Lights back up. Smoke still swirls round the stage....)

(Enter George in a Suit of armour that's a bit too big for her and carrying a sword)

George: (Hesitantly looking around) Dave.....? Dave.............?

(George sees something at the front of the stage. She moves down to it, picks up her staff. She sees something else. She kneels down and picks up the charred, singed remains of Le Moo's hat)

George: (To herself)...So much for the great and terrible Le Moo....

(Sudden sound from offstage attracts her attention, She draws her sword and sneaks over to the sound. She darts offstage and drags back on.....Spud)

George: You! Spud, what are you doing here?

Winifred: (Appearing as well) We thought you might need a little help.

George: What?

Winifred: I thought we'd make quite a good team. After all, I've got the book (Holds up Old Fizzlers) and Spud certainly knows how to handle herself in a crisis.

(Spud nods enthusiastically)

And you did say you'd introduce me to Dave.

George: (Handing Winifred the charred remains of Le Moo's hat) Dave did that.

Winifred: What?

George: That's all that's left of the Great Le Moo

Winifred: Dave?

George: I don't think it was the Squirrels.

Winifred: Wow...you really do need our help.

George: (After a while, as if making a difficult decision) No.

Winifred: Sorry?

George: You're both going back to the city....

(Winfred and Spud look puzzled at each other. Spud shakes her head.)

George: Spud...you're going back to the city and that's that.

(Suddenly very hard and cold) Winifred, get her and yourself out of here. Now!

Winifred: But we want to help....

George: Don't you get it? you can't help! I got into this and I'm going to have to get out of it.

Winifred: Well.....we're not going, so there!

(She and Spud look at each other and nod determinedly)

George: This isn't a game anymore...it's going to be dangerous!

(Taking a deep breath) Look......Spud.....or whatever your name is.....you're an orphan.......you want to know why you're an orphan.....it's because nobody wants you.....well, I don't want you either, so why don't you just get lost!

(Spud looks open mouthed at George)

You heard! I said get lost!

(Spud stands frozen for a second then turns and runs)

Winifred: Why did you....

George: (Furious) You're the "Wise Woman" aren't you? Have a guess!

Winifred: I don't understand...

George: Look, Winifred. Dave's out there and he's already turned One person to ashes. We knew this might happen. Well, it has. And I've got to end it. I'm the big hero, remember? When I find Dave, I'm going to have to kill him before he kills me. That'll be tough enough. I don't want you and Spud on my conscience as well. Understand now?

Winifred: I suppose so.

George: Right...well just make sure Spud gets back to the city.....please? (Winifred nods) Just go, okay?.

(Winifred turns and leaves.George, left alone, sags and drops her head. She walks over to where Le Moo left her staff. She puts down her sword and picks up the staff. The distant dragon's roar is heard again. George looks up)

George: (Calling out) Dave? (She tightens her grip on the staff, takes a deep breath and , a ferocious yell at the top of her voice) DAVE!!!

The Scene changes to Bertha's private apartments. Bertha is sat on her throne with her feet up on Squidley, who is attempting to write in his ledger. A serving woman is feeding her grapes. One of the guards is giving her a manicure. A chest full of money is by the side of the throne.

Bertha: (With a contented sigh) Ah me....I wonder what the poor people are doing this evening? (she dips her hand into the money chest and brings out a handful of coins) Oh, Bertha, Bertha, Bertha, you naughty girl. I can't imagine why I didn't think of this years ago. Dragon tax...they're falling over themselves to give me their money..

(Enter Glenys and Brenda clutching their moneybags)

Speaking of which.....good evening peasants!

Glenys: (Curtseying) Evening Ma'am! We've come to ask a favour of your high and mightiness.

Bertha: A favour ?

Brenda: yes ma'am. We was wondering if you'd be so gracious as to allow us to pay double dragon tax...

Glenys: Seeing as how it's all to get rid of them 'orrible dragons.

Bertha: That is so sweet of you.....in the chest please!

Brenda: Our pleasure ma'am!

Glenys: Same time next week, Ma'am?

Bertha: Oh don't bother coming into the castle next time, just push the cash through the letterbox.

(The ladies exit, curtseying)

Squidley: Er...ma'am?

Bertha: Yes, Squidley...

Squidley: May I get up please ma'am? I've finished the books!

Bertha: Oh...I was just getting comfy.

(Takes her feet off Squidley's back)

Well, how are we doing?

Squidley: (Shows her the figures) That's the latest figure from the Dragon Tax.

Bertha: Excellent! We're rolling in cash! Squidley....

Squidley: Yes, ma'am?

Bertha: Order me that solid Gold footbath would you - I think I've earned it!

(Brad enters. He is in a mood)

Bertha: Oh dear, still in a sulk?

Brad: (Sulking) I am NOT sulking!

(Bertha rises from the Throne and dismisses the servants)

Bertha: Now, look, Brad, darling, That dirty little scruff beat you fair and square. There's nothing for it except to look sporting and accept it.

Brad: She cheated! She used unprofessional tactics! She hit me when my back was turned! She .......was a she!

Bertha: Yes, all ghastly darling, but don't worry. Auntie has a plan for you to get your own back.

Brad: Really?

Bertha: Oh yes....You see, that dirty little guttersnipe George is probably the only person who's got the faintest inkling that this whole Dragon Tax business is a big fat fraud.

Brad: She is?

Bertha: Oh, yes. Well, we can't have someone like that running around loose, can we?

Brad: But she's off looking for the dragon....

Bertha: yes, I know. In the big dark scary woods. Where there would be no witnesses if a certain jumped-up little farm girl were to have herself a nasty accident......a nasty terminal accident.

Brad: (Smiling broadly) Way to go, Auntie B! I'm on the case!

Bertha: Just don't leave any witnesses, Bradley darling.

Brad: (starting to leave) You got it!

Bertha: And Brad....

Brad: Huh?

Bertha: (Stifling a laugh) Watch out for the dragons....

(He gives an evil grin and exits)

Squidley: Ma'am, this is all dangerously unethical, I really must protest! (He puts a protective hand over his nose, Bertha grabs his ear instead).

Bertha: (Dangerously) You really are starting to bore me, Squidley. Don't think that you're indispensable. Chancellors can be replaced very, very quickly, you know.

Squidley: (Panicking) But what's going to happen when the people discover the truth?

Bertha: Weren't you listening, Squidley? They're not going to discover

the truth ! My bone head nephew may not be good for much, but when it comes to making inconvenient people disappear, he's generally very reliable.

Squidley: But there aren't any dragons!

Bertha: Well, there you have a point.....( calling offstage)....Plank!

Now you know there aren't any dragons, Squidley, and I know there aren't any dragons, but the people don't know there aren't any dragons, so we're going to have to convince them that there are!

Squidley: I don't understand...

Bertha: You soon will.....

(Plank enters. He is wearing a strange contraption of tubes and tanks - not unlike a flamethrower)

Plank: (Clicking to attention) Reporting for special duties ma'am!

Squidley: What?

Bertha: This, Squidley, is Operation Barbeque. All ready, Plank?

Plank: Ma'am! Yes Ma'am!

Bertha: By Tomorrow night, the whole of Bigg City will be in a frenzy of fear.

Squidley: What do you mean?

Plank: Selected zones in the Green Sector will be covertly incinerated with extreme prejudice!

Squidley: What?

Bertha: We're going to start a few ickle fires.

Squidley: FIRES?

Plank: Affirmative, Sir, Fires.

Squidley: This is wrong! This is so, so, wrong!

Bertha: Oh relax, Squidley. No-one's going to get hurt (menacingly) if they know what's good for them and keep their mouths shut....

Plank: (finger in ear) Ma'am?

Bertha: Plank?

Plank: The pixie informs me that we are at the chronologically optimum initiation vector!

Bertha: Huh?

Plank: It's time to get going.

Bertha: Absolutely. Run along now, Plank. Make Bertha proud of you.

Plank: (Saluting) Ma'am! Yes Ma'am! (He exits)

Squidley: Ma'am, I urge you! Please reconsider this!

Bertha: Still here, Squidley? Don't you have some papers to shuffle or some pencils to sharpen?

Squidley: I resign!

Bertha: (Suddenly seizing his nose) I'm sorry Squidley, I must have misheard...I thought just for an instant the YOU were making a decision without MY permission. That can't be right now, can it (Menacingly) ....CAN IT?

Squidley : (Crumbling) .....no.

Bertha: No......what?

Squidley: No....ma'am.

Bertha: (Releasing his nose) You may leave. Chancellor.

(Squidley just stands there)

56.

Bertha: Unless you have anything else to say ...and you don't, do you?

Squidley: No, ma'am (He turns and starts to leave)

Bertha: And close the door on the way out, Squidley. I don't like the smell of smoke.

(Squidley looks at her for a moment, then leaves)

Bertha: (Sitting on the throne. Sighs) You know, there are times when I wonder if all this wickedness is really worth it....( she runs her hand through the money in the chest) but you know.....it is.....it really really really is......(she lets the coins trickle through her fingers and smiles contentedly to herself)

(Blackout. Change of scene. The Woods)

(Spud is sat hunched up on her own.)

Winifred: (Calling from offstage) Spud? ......... Spud?

(she enters. Looks around. Sees Spud. Crosses to her)

Winifred: There you are! .....I thought we'd lost you....are you okay?

(Spud turns her back on Winifred)

Winifred: What's the matter? ......Oh......I understand (Sits down next to Spud) You don't mind, do you?

(Spud doesn't respond)

Winifred: (Gently)...Look, George didn't mean to hurt you. It's probably hard to understand this, but she's scared. Those idiots in Bigg City want her to be a hero, to sort everything out for them. Well, you and me know that George isn't a hero...she's just George, and right now, she's really scared of whatever it is that's out there. She doesn't want us in danger. You understand that, don't you?

(Spud slowly turns and looks at Winifred. She nods)

Winifred: (Smiling) Good. Now, I need you to help me .There's something George doesn't know. I found it out from the book.

It might just help her. If we can find her and tell her.

(Spud shrugs gives a "what is it?" gesture)

Winifred: Oh...right...(opens up the book) Now that's Dave in stage

one, right? Notice anything about the eyes?

(Spud looks closely at the picture. Shakes her head)

Winifred: Look, do this with your hands (She puts up her hands around her eyes like blinkers) Now look at me (Spud does. Winifred gets up and walks backward) Still looking? (Spud nods) What about now?(She jumps to one side) And....Now?

(Spud shakes her head. Winifred jumps back. Spud nods. She jumps to the other side) Now? (Spud shakes her head. Drops her hands and looks at Winifred in complete confusion)

Winifred: Don't you see? Dragons can only see in front. They can't see at the sides! If you stand to one side, you're as good as invisible to a dragon.

(Spud looks open mouthed)

Winifred: (Pleased with herself) Pretty sneaky, huh? (Spud nods) Now we've got to find George....

(Spud looks up suddenly)

Winifred: What is it?

(Without a word, Spud grabs Winifred's hand and pulls her to one side. They are crouched behind a tree when Brad enters. He pauses centre stage, tapping his sword against his hand. He holds up the sword and briefly admires himself in the reflection on the blade.)

Brad: Lookin' good, Brad Baby. Lookin' good!

(Brad exits)

Winifred: What the heck's he doing here?

(Spud Shrugs.)

Winifred: I don't like this. Come on, let's go.

(Spud suddenly hears something else. She pulls Winifred down again. Plank enters complete with flame thrower. He looks cautiously around himself. Sticks his finger in his ear)

Plank: Okay Pixie, which way, right or left? (He listens to the reply)

Left? I concur.

(Plank exits)

Winifred: (Emerging from her hiding place with Spud) It's suddenly got very busy round here. Now what would those two be doing in the wood. And what's he doing with that thing? Come on Spud, I think we're running out of time to help George.....

(Spud and Winifred exit quickly)

(The forest darkens. A faint Red glow. George enters, carrying the sword and staff)

(She stops centre stage and sniffs the air)

George: Something burning.....at least it's not me.....yet.

(The dragon growl is heard gently again. George backs away to the side of the stage and backs down by a tree stump

Big Dave enters.

NOTE: Big Dave is played by a group of dancers. The lead one of whom carries Dave's head. Dave enters cautiously. He is much bigger, scarier and more of a predator. He moves round the space, marking out his territory.

George crouches terrified behind the tree. Dave seems to be about to leave when, suddenly, he pauses and turns, sensing George's presence. He faces the place where George is hiding and moves cautiously towards it.

He is almost on top of the hidden and terrified George, who is trying to make herself as small as possible.Winfred and Spud appear in the corner of the stage behind Dave. They pause

horrified. Winifred motions to Spud, who nods. They move up

cautiously behind Dave on either side. The next series of actions all happen in a very quick and choreographed sequence:

A) Spud stamps on Dave's foot

B) Winifred stamps on the other foot

C) Dave whirls round in pain and anger.

D) Winifred ducks and avoids Dave's tail.

E) Spud does a swift "roll" under Dave's belly

F) Dave, facing away from George, threshes around in fury.

G) Winifred and Spud grab George and pull her out of her hiding place

H) Dave freezes. Winifred, Spud and George freeze with him.

I) Dave turns his whole body cautiously, Spud, George and Winifred try to keep behind his tail in his 'blind spot'.

J) Dave freezes again, just his head turns round to look over his downstage shoulder.

K) Spud creeps down Dave's upstage side on her hands and knees. Once she is level with Dave's upstage shoulder, she reaches up and gently taps it.

L) Dave's head swivels round to look over his upstage shoulder

Spud rolls underneath to end up on the downstage side.

M) Winifred and George sneak along the downstage side, join up with Spud and quickly run off.

Dave, sensing that he's been tricked, whirls quickly round and threshes furiously around the space, stamping and snarling. Gradually, he calms down and slinks menacingly off the opposite side to George and co.

Lights fade to a spot on Lester

Lester: Don't dance with a dragon,

'Cos dragons don't play fair

One false step, the flames go woosh

And you're no longer there

Don't disrespect a dragon

Don't be clever, crass or rude

'Cos if you do, it won't be long

Before you're barbecued

So just avoid that dragon

And his wicked sense of fun

If you don't, you've got two choices

Medium or Well Done.

So Never

Never

Absolutely ever

Dance

With

A Dragon

(George, Spud and Winifred run on, exhausted. They flop down)

Winifred: (Getting her breath back. Between gulps) Would you .....still like us to... leave you to....get on with this on your own?

George: Well...in the circumstances......probably not.

Winifred: oh.......(not convinced) Great.

George: Some hero, I am. I can't go five minutes without someone having to rescue me.

Winifred: Don't let it worry you. Even heroes need friends, George. (She gives a sharp head nudge towards Spud - "talk to her").

George: Oh....yeah...(George gets awkwardly up and walks over to Spud. Embarassedly) Hi Spud....how's it going?

(Spud looks up but doesn't respond)

George: Erm....look. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to speak to me again.

(Spud gives her a "Are you trying to be funny?" look)

George: .....er, not that you do, but even if you did, I wouldn't expect that you would to me, even if you could. Which you can't.

(Spud shakes her head disgustedly and turns away from George)

George: Look, you know why I said what I did. If you can understand, that's great, if you can't, I'm really sorry.....I've never had that many friends. In fact, the only two real friends I've got are both here. The ones who just saved me from becoming toast. So how about it? Are

we friends again?

(George holds out her hand. Spud looks at it long and hard. Then, without warning, she stamps on George's foot).

George: (Hopping in pain) Aaah!

(Spud's face breaks into a smile)

George: Ohh...I get it. We're even now?

(Spud nods. Then hugs George tightly)

Winifred: Told you we were a good team, didn't I?

George: All right, don't rub it in.

Winifred: What now, then?

George: Beats me. You got any more bright ideas, wise woman?

Winifred: (taking out the book) We could always ask Old Fizzler. He's never steered us wrong, yet.

George: Sounds good to me....but let's keep walking......I want to put as much distance between me and Dave as possible....(turns and points offstage) that way looks pretty safe.

(George starts offstage, Spud and Winifred following. She hasn't gone more than a few steps offstage when she is walked backwards onto stage by Sir Brad, who has grabbed her by the scruff of her shirt)

Brad: (Smiling ) Long time, no see, Georgie girl! (He pushes her violently back onstage. George collides with Spud and Winifred. They edge back away from him) Now, just what are you ladies doing wandering around the woods on your own? Don't you know that's dangerous?

George: We're fine, honestly! In fact, we were just leaving.

Brad: Oh no.....

George & Winifred: No?

Brad: (With growing menace) No. I wouldn't dream of leaving you ladies. In fact, I wouldn't be a gentleman if I didn't take special care of the three of you.

George: Let them go, Brad, this is just between you and me...

Brad: And break up the party? No way....besides, I want to discuss that championship fight with you. How's about a little re-match?

And this time, we fight Brad's way, according to Brad's rules.

George: And what are Brad's rules?

Brad: Brad Wins.

(Spud darts towards Brad and tries her footstamping move, Brad is too quick and kicks her flying into a corner. Winifred rushes towards him, the book held high, ready to clobber him)

Winifred: Leave her alone, you big thug!

(Winfred tries to hit him, he dodges it easily and pushes her over. Brad raises his sword and moves menacingly towards George)

Brad: Just you and me, now, Georgie.....

(With a sudden movement he punches George in the stomach with the hilt of the sword. George doubles up and collapses.

She scrambles desperately over towards Spud and Winifred)

Brad: No fancy moves this time, huh? You're out of training, Georgie.

Still, there's no shame in being beaten by the best. And I AM the Best!! You're going to remember that, Georgie!

(As Brad stands surveying his three victims. Slowly, Stealthily, Dave appears behind Brad. Inching carefully towards him a step at a time. George and Co freeze, watching in amazement

as the dragon moves in. Brad is blissfully unaware and continues to taunt them)

Brad: So who's the best? Let Me hear it! Who?

George: (Innocently) You are, Brad!

Winifred: Absolutely, definitely the best!!

George: Er....Brad?

Brad: What?

George: Question.

Brad: (Suspiciously) What question?

George: What's Seven feet tall, fifteen feet long and bright red?

Brad: Huh?

George: Well, here's a clue ......turn round and have a look.

Brad: (In contempt) Sure....oh come on.....you can do better than that.

(The dragon is now literally breathing down the back of Brad's neck)

Winifred: (Conversationally) Actually, George, I think it's probably more like nine feet tall.

George: You think?

Winifred: Definitely....eight and a half minimum.

Brad: (Annoyed) Cut it out! I am not going to turn.....

(Brad suddenly senses the Dragon's hot breath on his neck. He puts his hand on his neck. He slowly turns round to find himself at chest height with Dave. He looks up..... and up.......and up into Dave's face)

George: Told you.....

Brad: (In shock) Wha?...How? ....it's a...........but there ...... can't........ not.......no ...........dra.......

(He keels over in a dead faint. Dave looks down at Brad, then looks up at George and co and seems to give a disgusted little "what a wimp" shake of the head)

(Spud and Winifred are starting to sidle sideways out of Dave's line of sight)

Winifred: (Whispering) George....come on.......get out of the way....What are you doing?

George: (Standing motionless) No.

Winifred : Have you gone crazy ? Get over here...

George: No. (Looking up at Dave) Dave.......?

(Dave looks down at her motionlessly.)

George: Dave.....it's me.......George. I know you've changed .....but you must remember me.....George? It was me who called you Dave....remember? You liked it.........at least I thought you did.

(Dave's head leans down closer to George)

George: You're not going to hurt me, are you, Dave? I thought we were friends........we are friends, aren't we?

(Dave cocks his head to one side - a bit like Little Dave used to do)

George: You do remember......I can tell.

(Hesitantly, Spud steps away from Winifred towards George)

Winifred: What? Spud! What are you doing? Get back here!........

(Spud stands next to George)

George: This is Spud. You must remember Spud. We met her in the woods.

(Spud nods)

Winifred: They've gone mad.....everyone's gone completely mad.....

George: Winifred......come over here.....show yourself.....

Winifred: No way!

(George gives a jerk of her head.."get over here"....Winifred, with great reluctance walks over to join them)

Winifred: (Standing next to George) Er......Hi! The names Winifred....I'm really.....really.....pleased to meet you......er...Dave.

George: (To Winifred) Well, I did say I'd introduce you, didn't I? What d'you think?

Winifred: (smiling in spite of herself) He's great.......a stage two red flameback......just like old Fizzler's book said......just like the one Auntie Grizelda saw.......er, please ask him not to kill us......

George: You won't hurt us, will you, Dave?

(Dave slowly dips his head down towards George. George reaches up and pats him gently on the snout. Spud reaches up and does the same, so, hesitantly, does Winifred.

Suddenly, Dave's head jerks upward. He takes a few slow steps backwards, looking around him and sniffing.)

Winifred: What's wrong?

George: I don't know...I think he can smell something....or sense it...

(The lights are slowly changing to an angry red. Wisps of smoke are starting to drift onto the stage. Dave is backing away from them, confused and increasingly angry, his head waving from side to side)

Winifred: It's a fire, the forest's on fire!

George: That's not Dave! Someone else is starting fires!

Winifred and George: (Suddenly look at each other ) BERTHA!

(Dave is moving offstage ....starting to leave)

George: Dave! Come back! They want to kill you! Dave!

(But Dave has gone)

Winifred: What do we do now?

George: We get back to the city....we've got to stop that evil old bat Bertha before she destroys the woods! She's going to have them all thiking that this is Dave's fault!

Winifred: You're right! Let's go!

(They start to leave)

(Spud makes a sudden stamping noise. They stop and look at her. She points down at the still-unconscious Brad)

George: You're right! Smart thinking, Spud!

Winifred: What?

George: We need to take him with us!

(Spud gives Brad a prod with sword which she has picked up.

Brad gives a "yow!" and sudden start. He begins to come around)

George: We need some rope...quick! (Winifred roots through her shoulder bag, she come up with a coloured scarf)

Winifred: This do?

George: It'll have to ....quick, help me tie his hands.

(They do. When they're finished they step back. Spud is still holding the sword)

Brad: (Starting to regain consciousness) Wha?......What happened?....Where was the....What happened to the.......

Winifred: You mean the Dragon?

Brad: (still groggy)Yeah....that was it......the dragon ( Sudden awful

memory) THE DRAGON! .....(going into full chicken mode) got to get away from here.....got to get out of the woods......got to get away from the dragon....got to.....OWWWW!!

(Spud has given him a sharp jab in the backside with the sword)

George: (Sweetly) It's okay Brad.....nasty dragon all gone.

Winifred: Nothing to be scared of....

Brad: (Pathetically trying to recover his cool) Scared? I wasn't scared! Ow! (another jab from a smiling Spud- who is beginning to enjoy this)

George: Of course you weren't (George sniffs Brad suspiciously) Winifred? Can you smell something?

Winifred: (Sniffs) Oh dear.....(to Brad) I think someone needs to change his armour, doesn't he?

Brad: Okay....what are you going to do?

George: You're coming back to Bigg city with us. You're going to tell everyone that your beloved auntie Bertha is a lying, thieving old ratbag and that she's trying to frame Dave for the forest fires!

Brad: No...Way!...OWWW!

(Spud administers another sharp Jab - a big one)

George: Is that your final answer?

Brad: (Miserably) Okay....just get me out of here!

George: Right! It's getting a bit warm round here anyway. (to Brad) Come on then.....mister stinky!

(With a final sharp jab from Spud they are off .As they leave, Plank, in Another part of the Forest, is caught in angry red light of his own, wielding his flamethrower)

Plank: (his face smeared with soot and ash - going slightly crazy with destruction) Yeeeeeeeehah! Burn baby, burn! Plank to Pixie - how'm I doing? Pixie to Plank, you are one beautiful doomsday machine!! Watch those suckers burn.... yeeeeeehah! Pixie to Plank - mission status report? Plank to Pixie - by tomorrow, the whole dang forest's gonna be one humungous ash tray! Over and out!

(Chuckling insanely to himself, Plank exits with flamethrower smoking. Having just seen this from behind a tree, George, Winifred, Spud and a reluctant Brad enter cautiously)

George: (Looking off after Plank) This is starting to make sense....

Winifred: (to Brad) So you and your auntie were going to destroy the whole forest.....

Brad: (like a bad Scooby Doo villain) Yes....and we'd have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you meddling kids....

George: Too bad. Let's keep going. Bigg City's just round the next bend...

(As they move off, there is wail from offstage and the figure of Gertrude suddenly appears, face streaked and dirty with ashes and soot. She is in tears)

Gertrude: Me pigs! Me poor little curly tailed darlings! All gone! What's going to happen to Gertrude?!!!

(They rush over to her)

George: Gertrude! What's happened?

Gertrude: (Between sobs) Is that you, George? We all thought you was going to fight the dragon....

George: I was.....what happened?

Gertrude: I was trying to escape from Bigg City with me pigs...we got caught in the forest fire.... there was no escape.....

George: What happened to your pigs?

Gertrude: (Sobbing) It was horrible.....there ain't nothin' left but three hundred rashers of extra crispy bacon (she collapses into tears) me pigs..... all gone to the big compost heap in the sky.....me poor little porkers who never did nobody any harm!!!!

Winifred: (To Brad) I hope you're proud of yourself!

Brad: (Uncomfortably) What can I say? Stuff happens...OWWW!

(Spud jabs him again)

George: Come on Gertrude....you've got to come back to the city with us...

Gertrude: What....what about the dragon?

George: There isn't any....well there is....but it's.....it'd take too long to explain.....let's go

Gertrude: (miserably) What's the point?

George: You've got to come with us, Gertrude.....you 've got to help us stop all of this......if you won't do it for me, you've got to do it.....for the pigs!

(Gertrude stops sobbing, looks at George. A steely determination has come into her eyes)

Gertrude: You're right, George (She stands up. Schwarzenegger was never scarier)....whoever it was who burnt me pigs....dragon or human....they just went too far.......because for this old pig farmer.....now......it's....personal!

George: You said it, Gertrude! Let's go!

(Gertrude, Winifred and George exit. Spud prepares to jab Brad again)

Brad: Look, you don't have to keep jabbing me with that thing...you want me to walk, I'll walk......look, I'm walking (he walks a few steps) we're both civilised human beings.....we can get along without

all this brutality....can't we?

(Spud appears to consider this for a few seconds. Then she jabs him again)

Brad: Ow! ......I hate you.....I want you to know that.

(They exit. A few seconds then we hear a distant "OW!" from Brad)

Scene Change: We are now back in Bigg City again. In front of the Castle. Crowds are running around in panic, smoke and angry red lighting. In the middle of the Stage, Squidley's desk and a large sign saying DON'T FORGET TO PAY YOUR DRAGON TAX. Squidley is sat behind it as in Act 1)

Squidley: (To a passing peasant fleeing with a bundle) Er......dragon tax? Pay your Dragon Tax?.........(The peasant runs right past him. Another one runs on from the opposite side) Dragon tax? Don't forget to pay your dragon tax! (They ignore him and run off in terror. A third peasant runs on) Dragon Tax! Dragon Tax due today! (Peasant doesn't even stop but runs straight past him)

(The two guards enter. Both giggling like naughty school kids)

Guard 1: (to the other guard) Go on, bet you daren't!

Guard 2: How much?

Guard 1: Bet you a farthing. Go on....

Guard 2: You're on....

(They both sidle towards Squidley. Still giggling)

Guard 2: Er.....Mr Squidley sir?

Squidley: What?

Guard 2: (Nearly cracking up with laughter) I'm ready to pay my tax now, sir.

Squidley: (relief) Well, Thank goodness for that! At least someone's prepared to pay their taxes.....(The guard has slipped on a tatty blond wig)......what's that?

Guard 1: (Cracking up with laughter) It's what he's got to pay tax on!

Squidley: What? Dragon Tax?

Guard 2: (Mock surprise) What? Dragon Tax ? I must have made a mistake, sir.....'cause I thought it was a.......

BOTH GUARDS: TAX ON DRAG! ( They collapse in hysterical laughter)

(Squidley simmers and then suddenly, unexpectedly explodes)

Squidley: OH FOR PITY'S SAKE! ISN'T ANYONE IN THIS ENTIRE CITY GOING TO PAY THEIR ROTTEN ROTTEN ROTTEN TAXES!!!!!

(Everyone on stage freezes. The guards back slowly away. Squidley slumps back in his chair. Peasants tiptoe gently round his desk)

(Bertha enters)

Bertha: (Panicking slightly) Squidley, what's happening?

Squidley: (Furious but just about controlling it) Oh nothing really, ma'am, just the entire economy of Bigg city breaking down!

Bertha: What?

Squidley: Everyone's leaving!

Bertha: What! Where are they going?

Squidley: I don't know....THEY don't know! They just want to get OUT!

Bertha: I don't understand.....

Squidley: I'm afraid your plan worked just a little bit too well, Ma'am. You wanted to scare the people into paying the tax....well, you managed the first bit.....they're scared all right.....they're terrified.....they're so scared they just want to get away from Bigg City, Dragons, Dragon Tax and, If may say so, Ma'am....

Bertha: What?

Squidley: You, ma'am, they want to get away from you!

Bertha: You're lying Squidley! How dare you!

(Harold the Herald enters.)

Harold: Hear Ye! Hear Ye! Forest fire crisis Special!

City gates clogged with panicking peasants!

Forest going up in flames on all sides!

Still no sign of that Elusive Dragon!

Opinon polls show Baroness Bertha to be the

most unpopular ruler of Bigg City since Baron Adolph the Obnoxious!

Squidley: See what I mean?

Bertha: (Starting to panic and hyperventilate) Can't be happening....... Not to me...... not to Bertha.... got to keep in control....... mustn't panic...... mustn't panic.....

Squidley: (concerned, in spite of himself) .... Er... are you all right, Ma'am?

Bertha: (Hysterical) OF COURSE I'M ALL RIGHT YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE TOAD!......(Calming down but with a mad glint in her eye)...Got to get out of this.... Got to have a plan..... got to make them all love me again.... Got to find a...... got to find a......

Squidley: A what?

Bertha: (A broad smile breaking out across her face....) A....scapegoat.

Squidley: Sorry?

Bertha: A scapegoat....a patsy... a fall guy ....a stooge.... Someone to take the blame (she looks meaningfully at Squidley)... Squidley.... In recognition of all of your years of loyal service, I hereby promote you to Scapegoat – in – Chief, promotion effective immediately!

Squidley: I'm extremely honoured, ma'am, but may I make one brief observation?

Bertha: Yes...?

Squidley: NO!

Bertha: (Bitterly) I can remember when people in this town knew how to grovel...........

(There is a commotion off stage. Enter George, Spud, Brad, Winfred and Gertrude, followed by a crowd of scared and excited townspeople)

Bertha: (Seeing George) You!

George: That's right, Bertha! Surprised to see me still alive?

Bertha: Er....no......yes......possibly......Never mind all that, what about the dragon?

George: The only dragon out there is the one that you lot created!

(A puzzled huh? From the crowd)

George: When you started believing all the lies that she (points at Bertha ) started telling you.....just to get her hands on your cash.

(The crowd are muttering amongst themselves)

Bertha: (worried) How dare you....you appalling little peasant! Do you have even a scrap of proof to back up these wild accusations?

George: Don't you worry, Bertha...we've got proof!

Bertha: Such as?

George: Well.....How about that maniac wandering around the woods with a flamethrower?

Bertha: (Shrugs) Nothing to do with me...IF he really exists.

Winifred: But we saw him! (Indicates herself and Spud)

Bertha: Ah.....of course........a hippy weirdo dragon hugger and a hoody wearing juvenile delinquent......nice witnesses.

George: well......you sent him to kill me! (Indicates Brad) Go on....tell them....

(By way of encouragement, Spud gives Brad another

sharp jab )

Brad: Yow!

Bertha: Well......Bradley?

Brad: I.......er........er........ I was just about to kill the dragon, when they jumped me from behind!

George and Winifred: WHAT?

Bertha: I see......the whole sordid picture is starting to fall into place.... You were working with dragon all the time!

(A shocked gasp from the crowd)

Harold: (Stepping forward) Shocking revelations in the Dragongate scandal!

Bertha: You were protecting him! Helping him!

Harold: Are there traitors amongst us?

Bertha: We thought you were our hero......

Harold: George! Hero or Zero?

Bertha: And all the time you were a.........Firestarter!

Crowd: No!

Bertha: Yes! A twisted Firestarter!!!

(The crowd has now turned ugly towards George, Spud and Winifred. They closing round them)

George: She's doing it again! Can't you see? She's whipping you up. This is how it all started in the first place!

(The crowd is shouting her down, calling out "Dragon lover!", "Traitor", "Firestarter" and "Kill the dragons!")

Winifred: (Suddenly shouting) WILL YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!

(The crowd, shocked, is silent)

Winifred: (Furiously angry) You fools! You silly, ignorant fools!

When you shout and scream like that, you just make it worse!

Dragons live on fear and ignorance, it makes them huge, bloated and angry! You all made Dave into a killer and If you keep on acting like this, that dragon is going to be attracted here, to you. Do you want that? Well, do you?

(The crowd is silent and uncomfortable)

Bertha: You seem to know a lot about dragons.....

Winifred: (Taking out Old Fizzlers Almanac) This is all the knowledge anyone needs.

Bertha: (Holding out her hand) May I ?

(Hesitantly, Winifred hands Bertha the book. She looks through a few pages then slowly and deliberately begins to tear them out)

Winifred: (Horrified) Stop it!

George: What are you doing!

(Winifred makes a dash towards Bertha but the crowd and the guards hold her back)

Bertha: (Ripping out a last handful of pages and dropping the book to the ground) There... that's what I think of anyone who stands up for dragons. Guards! Take these three away.

(The guards seize George, Winifred and a struggling Spud)

George: What are you going to do with us?

Bertha: Oh, don't worry, you'll have a quick trial. And a very slow execution. Burning at the stake I think.....beheading is so last year!

Take them away!

(They are dragged out. The crowd turns to Bertha.)

Brenda: (Scared and hesitant) Er ....ma'am...what about the dragon?

Glenys: Is it coming here.....like she said?

Bertha: (In a strange distant voice) Who knows? Who knows anything anymore? Dragons exist......dragons don't exist....it's all so confusing.....

Brad: (Quietly) Hey, stop joking, Auntie! They do exist.... I saw one!

And it was big!

Bertha: (She is starting to crack up. Patting him on the cheek) Silly boy... I told you.....there's no such things as dragons .......I made it up.......wasn't that clever of me?

Squidley: (Gently putting a hand on her shoulder) Ma'am...are you all right?

Bertha: (Going gently insane) Of course I'm all right! I'm Bertha! Everybody loves Bertha! Squidley?....what are you doing here? Go inside and keep counting the money. That's what it all about isn't it?

Squidley: (Humouring her) Yes ma'am.....the money.....what are we going to do about the dragon?

Bertha: Oh yes......the dragon. (pulls herself together) Lock all the gates to the city! So nobody can get out and.....more importantly.... HE can't get in! And if he does....we'll all go up in flames together!!!

(Bertha starts to laugh. It gets louder and crazier....laughing wildly.....she wanders off, still laughing, the crowd are silent and terrified. Squidley walks over to the pile of pages from old Fizzler. After a pause he starts to quickly gather them together)

(Change of Scene: A Dungeon in the Castle. George, Winifred and Spud are chained to the wall. Spud is standing on a box. All three are very dejected)

Winifred: (After a while. Singing rather weakly) We shall not...we shall not be moved.....we shall not......we shall not be moved.....just like a tree, standing by the.....

(She becomes aware that George and Spud are glaring at her and shuts up)

Winifred: Sorry.....just trying to lift the mood..

George: I think it'll take more than a song to do that, Winifred. It looks like this is the end of the road.....

Winifred: It's just a matter of who gets us first......Dave or Bertha and those idiots out there.

George: I'm not even comfortable.....

Winifred: Oh, crikey......

George: What?

Winifred: Itchy nose......

George: Sorry, Win, I can't help you......

Winifred: Ohhhh crikey..........it's really itching...

(Spud, who is next to Winifred, slips her wrist out of the manacle and leans over to scratch Winifred's nose)

Winifred: Oh wow! What a relief! Thanks Spud!

(Spud slips her wrist back into the manacle – which is too big for her- as if nothing had happened. A beat. Winifred and George slowly turn to look at Spud)

George: (To Spud) Did you just do what I thought you did?

(Spud looks at them both with a "what's the big deal"? expression. Then slips out of the manacles and steps off the box)

George: I think I might just have a plan...

Winifred: A cunning plan?

George: Of course...

Winifred: Oh good...they're my favourite kind.

George: We make a row. Spud hides behind the door . When the guards come to see what the noise is, Spud clobbers them, we grab the keys and escape.

Winifred: That's my favourite plan so far....

George: It's our only plan!

Winifred: It's a very short list..

George: Now all we need is something to clobber the guards with....

Spud: We could use that big jug over there......

George: Nice one spud, now all we have to do is make a loud enough row and wait for the.....

(Again..George and Winifred slowly turn to look at Spud)

Spud: What have I done now?

Winifred: You......

George: Yes, you.....

Spud: What?

George: You spoke...

Spud: So?

Winifred: We thought you didn't....

Spud: I don't....

George: We thought you couldn't....

Spud: I can. I just don't....except in emergencies. This IS an emergency isn't it?

Winifred: Oh definitely......very, very definitely.

Spud: Well there you go then! You start making a row and I'll stand here and wait for the guards....

(Spud stands with the jug raised next to the door. Winifred and George are still too stunned to say anything)

Spud: Problem?

(Winifred and George immediately begin shouting and screaming. "Help!" "Fire!" "open the Door!" etc)

80.

Spud: (Bracing herself) Someone's coming......

(The cell door opens, Spud raises the jug and....in comes Squidley..he jumps when sees Spud about to clobber him)

George and Winifred: Squidley!

Squidley: Stop! You don't understand! I want to help you!

Winifred: You want to help us?

(Squidley nods frantically)

George: Right! You can start by releasing us!

(Squidley takes out a key – Spud snatches it and starts unlocking George and Winifred's manacles)

Squidley: (As this is happening) It's all gone terribly wrong! Bertha's losing her mind, she's going insane!

George: How's anyone going to tell the difference? As far as I can tell, everyone in this city needs their head examining!

Squidley: She's going to destroy the city....You're the only ones who can stop it!

George: And how are we supposed to do that?

Winifred: She tore up Old Fizzler! That was our last hope!

(Squidley holds out the torn remains of Old Fizzler's Almanac)

Squidley: I saved as much as I could.....

George: What d'you think, Winifred?

Winifred: (taking the pages) I dunno.....(Searching through the pages)......if I can just find the right page.....

Squidley: Quickly, please! Before it's too late!

(There is a sudden almighty roar from offstage accompanied by the screaming of the townspeople)

Winifred/George/Spud: (Together) Too late!

(They all run out of the cell. Blackout)

Enter Lester. Spotlight.

LESTER: The Dragon has landed!

He came to town today!

He landed on the castle

He isn't here to play!

The Dragon came quickly

With one beat of his wings

He tumbled down the city walls

Like little toytown things

The Dragon was massive

With wings the size of sails

You'd walk for twenty minutes

From snout to tip of tail

The Dragon has landed

He's coiled around the tower

Our city is his city now

And we are in his power....

(As the lights go up we are outside the castle. The people are cowering behind a makeshift wall of baskets, crates and boxes.

George, Spud, Squidley and Winfred sneak on to behind them.)

George: What's happened?

Brenda: It's here! The dragon! It just landed on top of the castle!

George:I can't see anything!

Glenys: It's quiet now, but you can tell it's out there just waiting to devour us all.....

Brenda: I ask you, is this what we pay our taxes for?

(The Dragon gives a low growl in the darkness)

(The people react with scared moans)

George: (Starting to get scared herself) You found that page yet, Winifred?

Winifred: (Leafing frantically through the pages) Nooo.....

(finds a page and looks at it intently)

George: Is that it?

Winifred: (looking at the page) no.....but apparently marsh dragons can survive under mud for two hundred years at a time......fancy that..

George: (Impatiently) Winifred!

Winifred: Sorry! Sorry.....(goes back to leafing through the pages)

(George edges along the barrier and bumps into a figure in the darkness)

George: Sorry, mate (he turns – it's Brad, hunched up next to a few bedraggled Bradettes) What are you doing here?

Brad: (Quaking with fright) What does it look like I'm doing? I'm cowering in terror. You think if I just lie here cowering, not getting in the way, the dragon might ignore me and let me....go home?

George: I don't know but it's worth a...(She sniffs Brad)....I thought you were going to change your armour.

Brad: (Ashamedly) I did.......it's just that when the dragon landed...

I......you know......again.

George: I see.....good luck with the cowering...

Brad: Thanks.

(George edges further along the barrier. Gertrude is hunched up. Rocking backwards and forwards in terror)

George: Hi Gertrude. You Ok?

Gertrude: (To herself) Gotta do it for the pigs.....gotta do it for the

pigs.....gotta do it for the pigs.....

George: I'll take that as a yes...

Winifred: (Calling out) Found it!

(The rest of them "Shush" her angrily)

(George creeps back over to her)

George: What's it Say?

Winifred: (Reading to herself) No.... that can't be right.....

George: What can't?

Winifred: Well, according to Old Fizzler, the only way to defeat a stage 3 dragon is by.....(She points at something in the book).....by doing that!

George: Hang on! We don't know for certain that George is a Stage 3

(There is an almighty, terrifying volcanic, roar a swirl of smoke and the head of Dave, now massive, appears over the battlements - See PRODUCTION NOTES. Everybody cowers and moans in terror)

George and Winifred: (Together) STAGE 3!

George: Quick, Win! What have we got to do?

Winifred: (Pointing to the book again) That!

George: (Quickly reading) .....That's it? You're telling me if I do that, it'll get rid of (points towards Dave) that?

Winifred: That's what it says......

George: Well, anything's worth a try!

Spud: Hang on a minute! Look at that!

(They all turn to see, Bertha, crown tipped on one side, make up, dress and hair bedraggled, weaving her way through the

audience, carrying a bucket. She has finally completely flipped under the strain.)

Bertha: (Shaking the bucket at the audience) Dragon Tax! Dragon Tax! Don't forget your lovely Dragon Tax! Help to get rid of the naughty dragons!

George: Bertha! Get down! The Dragon'll see you!

Bertha: (Weaving her way unsteadily towards George and the others) Oh, it's you.....the peasant! Well I want you to know that I've forgiven you for the pig poo incident, but you still owe me tax of one million, four hundred and sixty three thousand pence. I'll take a cheque.

(Spud leaps on top of Bertha and pulls her down)

Bertha: Help! Help! I'm being assaulted! Guard! Guard!

George: Calm down! He's not here!

Bertha: (Giggling) Don't be so sure......

(With a wild "yeeeehah!" Plank, face smeared with soot and dirt, wielding his flamethrower, struts through the audience! He's pretty much gone crazy, too)

Plank: It's barbecue time! Let's go kick some scaly dragon butt!

George: What is happening to people?

Bertha: He's got a pixie in his ear, you know...

George: Get down, you fool! You can't fight it!

Plank: You want a piece of me, Sweetheart? (Slips his goggles over his eyes) Okay, let's do this!

George: Don't do it!

Plank: Plank to pixie- we're going in! Yeeeeeeeeehah!

(He charges towards Dave, the lights dim. Another mighty roar and a swirl of smoke. Everyone cowers and averts their eyes

from the spectacle - which we can't see - of Plank's incineration)

(The lights fade back up. George looks timidly out over the barricade.)

George: What.....happened?

(Spud darts quickly round the side of the barricade and returns a few seconds later with a melted, smoking pair of goggles)

George: Is that all that's left?

Spud: I think there was a boot as well.

Winifred: It'll be us next......are we going to do this?

George: Doesn't look like we've got much choice!

(George quickly creeps to the middle of the barricade and turns to address the whole terrified crowd of townspeople)

George: Right, you lot, listen to me...there's only one way to defeat that dragon. It's up to us. All of us. But it won't happen unless we all work together. Are you with me?

(There are a few timid nods)

George: (Takes a deep breath and screws up her courage) Okay then, this is it! (George stands up and calmly walks out in front of the barricade until she is facing Dave. The rest of the crowd are struck dumb ). Okay, Dave, sorry to have to do this........(She suddenly turns her back on Dave and clamps a hand over her eyes) You don't exist!

(There's a moment of silence as the rest of them wonder just what the heck she's doing. George opens a crack between her fingers and looks at them.)

George: Er......little help here?

Winfred: (Standing up as well) Don't you see - it only works if we all do it! (Winifred walks over next to George and copies her every move)

You don't exist! (Turns her back on Dave)

(Spud runs over and does the same)

Spud: You don't exist! (Turns her back)

86

Gertrude:(Stands up with fierce determination) This one's for the pigs! (She joins George and the others) You don't exist! (Turns her back)

Brad: (Getting up) That's it? That's all I have to do? (Leaps heroically over the barricade, adopts a heroic pose) You don't exist! (Quickly turns his back)

Harold: (Getting up and going over) In this reporter's unbiased opinion.....you don't exist!! (Turns his back)

(One by one, the whole crowd, the market ladies, Lester, the Guards, the bradettes all walk out from behind the barricade and do the same. Finally, just Bertha is left, in her own little world, oblivious to what's going on.)

George: Bertha!

Bertha: Mmmmm?

George: Come on, you have to do this! It won't work unless we all do it!

Bertha: (Like a sulky schoolkid) Ohhhh...all right. (Gets and skips over towards Dave) You're a very naughty dragon and I hope you're thoroughly ashamed of yourself! (Sticks her tongue out at Dave)

George: Just tell him he doesn't exist!

Bertha: Oh....and you don't exist!

George: Now keep saying it!

(Slowly and hesitantly at first, but building up in energy and volume, the crowd begin to chant "you don't exist - you don't exist - you don't exist". The Bradettes even manage to turn theirs into a little cheerleading routine complete with pompoms. As they do, smoke starts to swirl round Dave, the lights turn red and angry and a low, ominous roaring is heard. As the roaring and the smoke build. George turns to the crowd)

George: Now run for it!

(The crowd quickly scramble back over the barricade. Only

Bertha is left doing a weird little dance to her chant.)

George: Bertha! Come on!

(She doesn't hear, George and Spud grab her and hustle her roughly back to the barricade. Everbody is cowering, terrified. The roar subsides. George pokes her head timidly over the barricade)

George: Er ......hello? Dave?

(There is the sound of an almighty explosion. Everyone is hurled flat to the ground. Blackout)

(In the darkness, the noise of the explosion gradually subsides.The lights slowly come up to a spot on George, who is alone on stage lying unconscious on the ground )

(Bathed in an unearthly light, Mum wanders on)

Mum: George? George? Can you hear me, love?

George: (Coming round) Mum? Is that you?

Mum: Yes love. How are you?

George: (Confused) Well....since you're here I thought I might be...

Mum: Dead? Oh no....don't worry about that, love...I'm just visiting. They're very nice like that over here....on the ...other...side.

George: I'm glad to hear it (tries to get up) oooooh. That hurts!

Mum: Just lie still, George. It's probably best.

George: All right (Lies back down) .....I let you down mum. I lost the rent.

Mum: No you didn't.....you were robbed. And there's someone on this side who's got a message for you...(suddenly very stern) Oi! You! Get over here....

(Le Moo sidles sheepishly into view)

Mum: (Very hard) I think you've got something to say to my George...haven't you?

Le Moo: (reluctantly, like a naughty schoolkid) I'm...sorry.

Mum: A little bit louder please....

Le Moo: I am very, very sorry that I stole your money......and your stick.

George: That's okay....I don't think it did you much good, did it?

Le Moo: You're telling me!

Mum: We've had a very serious conversation, this young man and me and I think I can safely say that he won't be doing it again!

Le Moo: Well...obviously....I am ...how you say....kaput!

(Plank wanders into view)

Plank: Plank to Pixie......plank to pixie.....anyone out there?

Mum: Oh dear, looks like a new arrival.....

Plank: It's all......kinda fluffy.......yeah.......fluffy......

Mum: Sorry, George, love, I think I'm going to have to look after this young man.....he seems a bit confused.

George: No change there, then.

Mum: There's also a lot of.....pigs up here. I don't suppose you know anything about that, do you, George?

George: Yeah...sort of.

Mum: Well, I don't suppose it's too important now.....I just want you to know...... I'm very proud, George. You're a good girl. A mother couldn't ask for better.

George: (A bit choked) Thanks mum.

Mum: I'd better get going then......(to Plank) Come along then, Sonny, let's get you sorted (Le Moo is starting to sidle away) Oi! Don't wander off - I don't want you out of my sight!

(The three of them drift off. The lights come up. The barricade has gone. A small group has formed round George. Consisting of Winifred, Glenys, Nora, The remaining Bradettes, Harold and Squidley)

George: (regaining consciousness again) Bye mum....bye (Waking up with a start) Whoa! What happened! I'm still......still here....

Winifred: (Dabbing George's forehead) It's all right George. You just took a bit of a bump. You've been out cold for nearly a day.

George: What happened? To Dave?

Winifred: That Dave's gone. All those people telling him he didn't exist. He....exploded.

George: (Sadly.) Sorry Dave.

Winifred: Well.....actually you can tell him yourself.

George: What?

Winifred: Look behind you...

(Little Dave noses his way through the crowd, which gives a quick gasp and scatters at the sight of him)

Winifred: (To the crowd) It's okay.....it's okay....

George: I thought you said he'd exploded.

Winifred: He did......and this is what was left after the explosion. ...just enough belief in dragons for a harmless little stage one..

Glenys: Erm excuse me.... You did say harmless, didn't you?

George: Completely....provided you lot stop believing Berth's lies and scare mongering.

Squidley: Oh...don't worry about Bertha.

Nora: Yeah...she's out of a job.

Harold: We had a referendum. There was a very big 'No' to Bertha vote.

Nora: Well, actually, it wasn't really a referendum. We just chucked stuff at her till she went away.

Glenys: Yeah, and we voted you to be the new boss of Bigg City!

George: (In a panic) Wait a minute! I don't want that! I didn't want to be a hero in the first place! I only ever came here to just pay my taxes! You don't want me ...you need someone who's honest ...and smart.... And wise and......(Quickly grabs Winifred and pushes her towards them) meet your new Boss of Bigg City!

Winifred: Hang on! Don't I get a say in this?

George: Not really, no! Look, If people had listened to Winifred in the first place, none of this would have happened. She's smarter than any of us!

Squidley: Oh well......all in favour of Winifred?

Winifred: That's Winifred.....the wise.

Squidley: All those in favour of Winifred the Wise, vote now!

(Everyone votes for Winifred)

Squidley: And if I may suggest your first policy decision, Ma'am?

(He whispers in Winifred's ear)

Winifred: Oh well...makes sense, I suppose. (She clears her throat) People of Bigg City from this day forward, taxing day is.....abolished!

(Cheers from the crowd)

Winifred: Oh wow! I could get used to this! Okay everyone....up to the castle to get your cash back..... Winifred's in charge ....come on

Then, Squidders!

(Winifred leads the crowd off leaving George alone with Dave. Spud enters quietly at the back)

George: So what are we going to do with you?

Spud: You could take him up to the mountains like you said...

George: I was wondering where you got to!

Spud: So are we going up to the mountains or what?

George: Hang on! Who said anything about you coming?

Spud: Well you can't do it on your own....you'd just get into trouble...you usually do.

George: Wait a minute.....

Spud: It's a bit late for that....Dave and I have discussed this, right, Dave?

(Dave nods)

Spud: He wants to go to the mountains. I want to go to the mountains. It's up to you.

George: (Giving up) I'm not going to get rid of you, am I?

(Spud smiles and shakes her head. She hands George her stick and bundle)

Spud: I did your packing..

George: Well that's that then....

Spud: We'd better get going...it'll be getting dark in a bit, and you never know who you're going to meet on the road!

(Just then, a rather dejected looking Brad wanders on, he is holding up a tatty placard with the word PITT scrawled on it and has his thumb out like a hitchiker. He is followed on by the Bradettes who hold up a series of equally tatty placards which together form the sentence ANYWHERE AWAY FROM HIM and an arrow pointing to Brad. They shuffle off wearily in search of a lift. As they exit Gertrude wanders on)

George: Hey Gertrude - how's it going!

Gertrude: All right me darlings! I'm putting the business back together. I'll be back in the pig biz in no time.

George: Well, if anyone can do it, you can, Gertrude!

Gertrude: Not just me, Georgie. I've taken on a partner. Well, she's just shovelling pig poo at the moment - I'm teaching her the business from the bottom up!

(Bertha wanders on looking distinctly scruffy and dishevelled. She is carrying a sack and looking for acorns. She is still rather barmy but seems pretty happy with her new job)

Bertha: Sooooeeee! Piggy piggy piggy! Come and get your lovely acorns! Bertha's got your piggy treats.

Gertrude: I've even got a new slogan....Crazy Gertrude and Barmy Bertha's......

Bertha: (Finishing the slogan) Practically Perfect Prime Porkers!

...I thought that bit up!

Gertrude: I'm paying her in acorns. See you on the road, me darlin's!

(Gertrude and Bertha exit)

George: Shall we get going?

Spud: Why not?

(the three of them turn and start to exit. Lester enters)

Lester: And so our tale is done for now

Of dirty deeds and dragons....

George: ( Cutting him off): It's okay Lester, we'll do this bit.

(Lester shrugs and walks off, sheepishly - he could even try and wheedle a few "aaaahs" out of the audience)

George: But there's a message to this tale

So don't forget to listen.

Spud: Dragons aren't all monsters, they can be sweet

Like this 'un (points to Dave. Dave nods)

George: The dragons that we've got inside

Are Nastier and bigger

Spud: And the hero isn't just the guy

With the big and handsome figure

George: There's a hero and a dragon

inside every one of us.

Spud: And it's not the way you look that counts,

It's what you says and does!

George: And so we hope you liked our tale

We did the best we could.

We're glad you came, so thanks a lot.

Goodnight from George....

Spud:........and Spud

(Dave nudges George)

George: Oh, sorry, and Dave.

Spud: That doesn't rhyme.....

George: Shush...it's the end of the show.....

(Bickering with each other...as usual, Spud and George exit. Dave looks at the audience and gives a gentle shake of his head. Then scampers off after them....still arguing.

The lights fade down as they leave...)

THE END!

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Martin Alcock was born in Stoke on Trent, England,1961 and escaped from school unnoticed at the age of 16 in 1978 with two unimpressive O levels in English Language and Literature. Shortly after that, his mother frog-marched him into the offices of the local weekly newspaper, where he was taken on as a cub reporter. He remained there for 5 years, reporting on magistrates courts, cattle markets, lost cats, local amateur dramatic productions and taking names at funerals. He learnt to type on a cast iron Imperial typewriter from the 1940's. He then moved into industry, writing press releases about industrial air conditioners. He lasted six months before being dismissed. For which he was very grateful.

After university and drama school and a brief career as an actor, Martin was finally persuaded to GROW UP AND GET A PROPER BLOODY JOB teaching Performing Arts at Stoke on Trent College. The 19 years he has spent doing this are easily the most satisfying, exciting, stimulating, frustrating, depressing and soul-destroying (sometimes all before 10am on the same day) years he has spent to date. Martin is currently looking to leave the British Education System while there still is one.

Martin has been writing for some years, mainly plays for his students to perform (of which he has written about 12). He has had some success in the grown up world too. In the prestigious Bruntwood/Manchester Royal Exchange competition in 2008, his play HERE I SIT ALL ALONE, I THINK I'LL PLAY MY XYLOPHONE made it through to the last 60 of 1600 submitted plays. His short play THE SMOKE FROM FAR SHUTT was selected as one of seven out of 170 submitted to be performed at the Arundel Festival Theatre Trail this August alongside a new play by Simon Brett. This last effort earned him a writers fee of £150 – his first paid work as a writer.

In 2009, as part of Anthony Gormley's "One And Other" Project Martin was one of 1000 people chosen to spend an hour on the Fourth Plinth of Trafalgar Square. He chose to spend his hour as his comedy idol Tony Hancock (complete with homemade blue plaque).

This summer he can be seen in the Co-Operative British Youth Film Academy Feature Film "Olivia Twist", an updated version of the Dickens Classic, as Bob Fagin (He has since got rid of the beard).

