( BAND PLAYING
 "LATE SHOW" THEME )
>> Alan: FROM THE STORAGE ROOM
OF THE SONIC INN, IT'S THE "LATE
SHOW" WITH DAVID LETTERMAN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
 PLUS PAUL SHAFFER AND THE
 CBS ORCHESTRA.
 I'M ALAN KALTER.
 AND NOW,
 A VISIONARY WITH FLOATERS,
 DAVID LETTERMAN!
 Captioning sponsored by
 WORLDWIDE PANTS and CBS
( BAND PLAYING
 "LATE SHOW" THEME )
>> Dave: HEY!
HEY!
HEY, YOU!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
ALL RIGHT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
VERY NICE.
THANK YOU.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
THAT'S VERY SWEET OF YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
WELL, AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, AND
WE DISCUSSED IT EARLIER, PRETTY
SOON, PAUL AND I -- WELL, ME,
MOSTLY, WILL BE LEAVING THE
SHOW.
>> Paul: YEAH, I WILL AS WELL.
>> Dave: PEOPLE SAY WHY --
(AUDIENCE REACTS)
YEAH, IT'S NO SECRET.
THEY CAUGHT ME DEFLATING
FOOTBALLS...
>> Paul: THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: I HAVE NOT TOLD MY
WIFE THAT I'M OUT OF A JOB.
SO HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.
EVERY MORNING, I'M GOING TO GET
UP AND GET DRESSED AND LEAVE THE
HOUSE WITH MY BRIEFCASE.
>> Paul: OKAY.
>> Dave: SHE WON'T KNOW.
(APPLAUSE)
I TELL YOU, SHOW BUSINESS IS
NOTHING BUT PRESSURE.
PEOPLE -- DOES THIS HAPPEN TO
YOU?
PEOPLE COME UP TO YOU ALL THE
TIME AND THEY SAY, JIMMY...
(DRUM ROLL)
(APPLAUSE)
-- WHAT ARE YOU PLANNING FOR
YOUR FINAL SHOW?
I SAID, OH, MY GOD, AFTER ALL
THIS TIME, REALLY?
WE'RE GOING TO START PLANNING
NOW?
>> Paul: I'LL PLAN IT.
>> Dave: OH, HAPPY MOTHER'S
DAY.
HOPE YOU HAD A GREAT MOTHER'S
DAY.
DID YOU?
(APPLAUSE)
HERE NOW WE HAVE A TELEVISION
NETWORK ROUNDUP OF ALL THE
SALUTES AND TRIBUTES FOR
MOTHER'S DAY.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
♪
>> CBS.
IT'S THE BEST MOTHER'S DAY
GIFT OF ALL!
IT'S A BRAND-NEW CAR!
>> NBC.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU
ALL.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.
>> ABC.
YOU'RE A CRUEL BITCH WHO
DESERVES TO BURN IN HELL!
(APPLAUSE)
UH.
>> Dave: YES!A DAY OF FRESH FLOD
GRIEVANCES.
I LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON AND
I'LL PASS IT ALONG, YOU CAN
DRIVE YOURSELF NUTS, BUT YOU
CAN'T GO WRONG WITH A SWIFFER.
(APPLAUSE)
MOM AND I WENT OUT TO BRUNCH.
OLIVE GARDEN IS GREAT.
(LAUGHTER)
MOM IS SO SWEET.
ON HER WAY OUT, SHE TAKES THE
MANAGER ASIDE AND PUTS IN A GOOD
WORD FOR ME.
(APPLAUSE)
THAT WAS NICE.
HERE'S SOMETHING THAT WHEN I WAS
A KID, THE FIRST PRESIDENT I WAS
AWARE OF WAS DWIGHT EISENHOWER.
>> Paul: YEAH.
>> Dave: AS A KID, THAT'S THE
FIRST NAME I REMEMBER.
AND THEN I REMEMBER HEARING TALK
ABOUT HARRY TRUMAN.
HERE'S AN EXAMPLE OF HOW THINGS
HAVE CHANGED.
YOU KNOW WHAT BARACK OBAMA OUR
CURRENT PRESIDENT DID ON
MOTHER'S DAY?
>> Paul: WHAT?
>> Dave: HE'S IN THE OVAL
OFFICE AND HE CALLS MOTHERS
AROUND THE COUNTRY TO WISH THEM
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY AND TO THANK
THEM FOR THE JOB THAT THEY'VE
DONE.
(APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
I DON'T SEE HARRY TRUMAN HAVING
DONE THAT.
>> Paul: NO...
>> Dave: I DON'T SEE DWIGHT
EISENHOWER.
BUT HERE'S BARACK OBAMA WISHING
MOTHERS WELL ON MOTHER'S DAY.
>> PaDAY.
HI, PATTY.
THIS IS BARACK OBAMA.
>> NUH-UH.
YES IT IS
(DIAL TONE
>> THIS IS BARACK OBAMA --
(DIAL TONE)
>> I SI AM SO PROUD OF --
(DIAL TONE)
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: IT'S THE WHITE HOUSE.
IF I SEEM A LITTLE LIKE A STEP
BEHIND TONIGHT, I MEAN, I
WASN'T -- PUT THE CARDS DOWN.
I WASN'T PLANNING ON TALKING
ABOUT THIS.
BUT YOU KNOW KIM KARDASHIAN.
>> Paul: YES.
>> Dave: BIG MEDIA PHENOMENON
KNOWN AROUND THE WORLD.
>> Paul: YES.
>> Dave: SO I GO TO MY
PUBLISHERS TODAY AND I'M TALKING
ABOUT A BOOK.
KIM KARDASHIAN HAS PUBLISHED A
BOOK OF SELFIES.
THROUGH ROOF PRE-SALES.
>> Paul: ARE YOU KIDDING?
>> Dave: HERE'S THE QUESTION.
KIM KARDASHIAN PUBLISHES A BOOK
OF SELFIES.
IT'S COOL, RIGHT?
>> Paul: YES.
>> Dave: I PUBLISH A BOOK OF
SELFIES --
(APPLAUSE)
THIS IS COMING FROM MY
PUBLISHER.
I PUBLISH A BOOK OF SELFIES,
IT'S CREEPY.
>> Paul: CREEPY.
I SEE.
I SEE.
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, THINK ABOUT IT.
THINK ABOUT IT.
>> Dave: I WILL.
I WILL THINK ABOUT IT.
(LAUGHTER)
RAUÚL CASTRO --
>> Paul: OH, YEAH.
>> Dave: -- THE EVIL BROTHER
OF HIS EVIL BROTHER DICTATOR
FIDEL CASTRO MET OVER THE
WEEKEND WITH POPE FRANCIS.
OH, MAN, THIS POPE FRANCIS, HE'S
A PEOPLE GUY.
I THINK IN THAT JOB YOU NEED A
PEOPLE PERSON, AND HE IS.
(LAUGHTER)
AND RAUÚL WAS SO TAKEN BY WHAT
THEY DISCUSSED AT THEIR MEETING
THAT HE SAYS HE'S THINKING ABOUT
JOINING THE CATHOLIC CHURCH.
SAME KIND OF THING HAPPENED TO
ME WITH SCIENTOLOGY.
>> Paul: OH!
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: OH, BOY, HOW ABOUT
THAT TOM BRADY?
I WOULDN'T GIVE HIS TROUBLES TO
A MONKEY ON A ROCK!
(APPLAUSE)
HE'S IN A LOT OF TROUBLE WITH
THIS DEFLATEGATE.
HERE'S THE LATEST REPORT.
>> N.F.L. OFFICIALS ARE DECIDING
IF TOM BRADY SHOULD BE PUBAROUND
FOR HIS ALLEGED KNOWLEDGE OF
FOOTBALL TAMPERING AT THE CENTER
OF DEFLATEGATE.
BRADY PROBABLY FACES SUSPENSION,
FORCED TO STAY HOME, SPEND TIME
WITH THE WIFE AND STARE IN THE
MIRROR CONTEMPLATING WHAT HE'S
DONE.
TOM BRADY, READY TO LEARN HIS
LESSON.
>> Dave: SEE, KIDS, WHAT CAN
HAPPEN?
(APPLAUSE)
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE
PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
WHITE HOUSE 2016.
PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE LIKE I AM,
ALREADY FED UP.
ARE YOU ALREADY FED UP?
(APPLAUSE)
IT'S A BUNCH OF -- AND BY THE
WAY, TINA FEY WAS ON THE SHOW
LAST WEEK AND INVOKED A
PHRASE --
(APPLAUSE)
OH, YEAH.
LIKE, YOU KNOW, I SAW HER IN HER
UNDERWEAR.
>> Paul: YES.
>> Dave: I NEVER HEARD THIS
EXPRESSION BEFORE BUT I THOUGHT
IT WAS APT -- JERK PARADE.
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S PEOPLE WHO SIGN UP AND THEY
WANT TO BE PRESIDENT AND THERE'S
NOT A CHANCE IN HECK THEY'RE
GOING TO BE PRESIDENT BUT BY THE
TIME THEY REALIZE THAT, WE'LL BE
SO SICK AND TIRED OF THEIR
STUPID FACES WE WON'T KNOW WHAT
TO DO.
BUT I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU
KNOW IF YOU'RE GETTING READY TO
VOTE, BETTER HURRY, BECAUSE
THERE'S ONLY 550 DAYS LEFT UNTIL
THE ELECTION.
(APPLAUSE)
I WAS LOOKING IN THE PAPER.
SPEAK OF STUFF LIKE THIS, YOU
KNOW WHAT, UNEMPLOYMENT -- AND
THIS IS GREAT NEWS --
UNEMPLOYMENT IS DOWN, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
NOT AT MY HOUSE.
>> Paul: OH...
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: JEB BUSH IS GOING TO
RUN FOR PRESIDENT BECAUSE YOU
JUST CAN'T HAVE ENOUGH BUSH IN
THE WHITE HOUSE.
(APPLAUSE)
HE SAID, IF I HAD BEEN
PRESIDENT, I WOULD HAVE INVADED
IRAQ, ALSO.
WELL, BY GOD, THAT'S PUTTING
SOME DISTANCE BETWEEN YOURSELF
AND YOUR BROTHER, YOU KNOW?
HE SAID, I WOULD HAVE INVADED
IRAQ IF I HAD HAD THE SAME
INTELLIGENCE AS MY BROTHER.
(LAUGHTER)
OH, MY GOD!
THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO ADMIT
TO!
HE'S NOT AS INTELLIGENT AS HIS
BROTHER!
OH, MY GOD!
HORRIFYING.
OH, AND, YOU KNOW, THINGS LIKE
THIS HAPPENS TWO OR THREE TIMES
A YEAR.
McDONALD'S SAYS, WE'RE
CHANGING OUR IMAGE.
WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO EAT FAT,
GREASY MEAT.
WE'RE CHANGING OUR IMAGE BECAUSE
WE WANT TO BE PART OF THE TREND
TOWARD EATING HEALTHY.
>> Paul: SURE.
>> Dave: AND WE'RE ALL SICK OF
IT BECAUSE WE KNOW THEY'RE NOT
SERIOUS.
HERE'S McDONALD'S ANNOUNCE
HOUGH THEY'RE GOING TO HANDLE
THEIR NEW HEALTHIER MENU.
>> McDONALD'S IS EXCITED TO
ANNOUNCE WE'RE ADDING KALE TO
OUR MENU.
THE POPULAR LEAFY GREEN WILL BE
SERVED ON A SESAME SEED BUN WITH
CHEESE, PICKLES, ONIONS AND OUR
SPECIAL SAUCE.
THE PATTY WILL BE 100% BEEF.
WE'RE NOW SERVING DAYLIGHT
SAVINGS TIMES.
>> Dave: THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
WAS IT REALLY WORTH THE TROUBLE?
(APPLAUSE)
>> Paul: WHY DON'T WE ADD SOME
KALE!
>> Dave: YEAH!
♪
>> Dave: OH, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, ON THE PROGRAM
TONIGHT, HOWARD HOUR AND DON
RICKLES!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪
>> Dave: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
AGAIN, HERE'S TONIGHT'S TOP TEN!
LET'S TRY THEM!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪
>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
PAUL!
CATEGORY TONIGHT, NEW FALL
SHOWS.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU FOLKS ARE
AWARE OF THIS, BUT THIS IS THE
TIME OF THE SPRING WHERE ALL THE
BROADCAST NETWORKS ANNOUNCE
THEIR NEW PROGRAMMING LINEUPS
FOR THE FALL, AND IT'S VERY,
VERY EXCITING, BECAUSE IT'S LIKE
THE N.F.L. GRAFT.
DRAFT.
YOU CAN SIT AND COPY DOWN NEW
FAVORITE SHOWS YOU WILL BE SURE
TO WATCH IN THE FALL.
THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON NOW.
>> Paul: OKAY.
>> Dave: WE HAVE NEW SHOWS,
NBC FOX HELD THEIRS TODAY, ABC
AND CBS TOMORROW.
WE HAVE THE NEW SHOWS AND I
THINK YOU WILL BE DELIGHTED.
>> Paul: ALL RIGHT.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: EXCUSE ME.
I DON'T KNOW, I GOTTA GET A
THING WHEN WE'RE DONE BUT I'LL
BE ALL RIGHT.
>> Paul: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
HAVE DONE?
>> Dave: I HAVE TO SEE
DR. GRANDSTEIN.
>> Paul: I SE SEE.
>> Dave: NEW FALL SHOWS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: I THINK YOU CAN
IMAGINE WHERE THOSE SHOWS WILL
BE.
>> Paul: WELL, OF COURSE YOU
CAN!
>> Dave: I WANT TO TELL YA,
I'M SO EXCITED.
THIS IS THE SECOND TIME, NOW, I
HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS.
OVER THE WEEKEND AT THE
INDIANAPOLIS MOTOR SPEEDWAY WAS
THE SECOND RUNNING OF THE
INDIANAPOLIS GRAND PRIX AND TEAM
RAHAL LETTERMAN HANNIGAN --
THAT'S ME, I'M IN THE MIDDLE --
FINISHED SECOND.
SECOND PODIUM FINISH, TWO WEEKS,
BACK-TO-BACK, GRAHAM RAHAL!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
RACING, YOU KNOW GRAHAM DRIVES
THE NUMBER 15 CAR, WHICH IS THE
STEAK AND SHAKE CAR AND WE HERE
IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER ARE
LUCKY ENOUGH TO BE NEXT DOOR
NEIGHBORS WITH THE SIGNIFICANT
STEAK AND SHAKE OUTLET.
THERE IT IS RIGHT THERE.
(APPLAUSE)
AND WHENEVER NUMBER 15 THE STEAK
AND SHAKE CAR PUTS IT ON THE
PODIUM, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN?
BY GOD, THAT'S RIGHT, FREE MILK
SHAKES!
♪
>> Dave: OH, MY GOD!
CONGRATULATIONS!
GRAHAM RAHAL AND THE STEAK AND
SHAKE CAR!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH HOWARD
STERN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: STRANGE THINGS ARE
GOING ON.
WE'RE HERE IN THE ED SULLIVAN
THEATER AND AS WE'RE PASSING OUT
THE CELEBRATORY SHAKES,
SOMETHING EXPLODED ABOVE PAUL
AND SHOURD HIM IN SPARKS.
I THINK WE HAVE IT ON VIDEOTAPE.
FIRST OF ALL, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
PAUL?
>> Paul: YEAH, THAT WAS A --
>> Dave: LOOK AT THIS.
>> Paul: THAT'S ME OVER THERE.
>> Dave: YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
IS, PAUL?
>> Paul: YEAH.
>> Dave: THAT'S THE GHOST OF
ED SULLIVAN SAYING "DON'T GO."
(APPLAUSE)
DON'T GO!
OR...
WHAT ARE YOU WAITIN' ON?
(LAUGHTER)
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, OUR FIRST
GUEST IS RADIO LEGEND, A
CULTURAL ICON AND A GOOD FRIEND
OF OURS, THE HOST OF THE -- HAD
HIS OWN SHOW ON SIRIUS XM RADIO
AND ALSO A JUDGE ON "AMERICA'S
GOT TALENT" WHICH RETURNS
MAY 26, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE KING OF ALL MEDIA, HOWARD
STERN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪
>> HELLO, HOW ARE YA?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪
>> Dave: HOY ARE YOU DOING,
HOWARD?
>> THIS IS IT.
>> Dave: WELCOME BACK TO THE
PROGRAM.
>> THIS IS IT.
I BROUGHT THIS OUT --
>> Dave: YOU LOOK GREAT, BY
THE WAY.
>> THANK YOU.
YOU LOOK GREAT, TOO.
LOOK, I'M NOT GOING TO GET ALL
SENTIMENTAL.
THANK GOD YOU'RE LEAVING.
THESE APPEARANCES CAUSE A LOT OF
ANGST.
I'M HERE TO ANNOUNCE MY
RETIREMENT FROM THIS SHOW, WHICH
IS GREAT.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE
YOU BEEN ON THIS SHOW?
>> I HAVE NO IDEA.
>> Dave: 24, 25?
I'M SURE IT COULD HAVE BEEN A
LOT MORE BUT I STOPPED DOING IT
A LOT.
I DIDN'T WANT TO TURN INTO REGIS
WHERE IT WAS SOMETHING
RIDICULOUS LIKE 175 APPEARANCES.
THE POOR GUY.
>> Dave: ALWAYS VERY
ENTERTAINING.
>> AND YOU GUYS WERE ALWAYS NICE
ENOUGH TO CALL ME AND ASK ME TO
BE ON THE SHOW.
>> Dave: YOU'RE BUSINESSY.
WELL, YEAH, I'VE GOT MY OWN
LIFE.
BY THE WAY, I'M WAITING FOR THE
TOP TEN, AND I'M, LIKE, OH, MY
GOD, EVEN THE WRITERS HAVE
CHECKED OFF THIS SHOW, ALREADY.
I SAW WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH THE
MONOLOGUE.
IT'S OUTRAGEOUS.
WELL, THIS IS EXCITING.
YOU'RE FINALLY LEAVING AND --
(LAUGHTER)
YOU KNOW, I'M WORRIED ABOUT
PAUL.
PAUL, HOW ARE YOU, MAN?
>> Paul: I'M ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT ME?
>> I THINK IT'S ABOUT TRUTH.
THE NETWORK WON'T DO ANYTHING
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT OUR IMAGE
ANYMORE.
TELL THEM WHY YOU WEAR THE DARK
GLASSES.
DAVE, THE MAN HAS BEEN BAKED!
>> Paul: WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WHY DO YOU WEAR THE SUNGLASSES?
>> Dave:.
TO HIDE MY HIDEOUS FACE.
>> Paul: IT'S THE SAME WITH
ME, HIDEOUS.
>> BUT WITH PAUL THE GLASSES GOT
BIGGER AND BIGGER AS THE YEARS
WENT BY.
AT SOME POINT HE'LL BE WEARING
AN IRON MAN MASK.
>> Paul: WELL, THE LAST
SHOW --
>> TAKE OFF THE DARK GLASSES AND
SHOW PEOPLE.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
COME ON.
AND YOU, MY FRIEND...
YOU KNOW, I READ THIS ARTICLE,
THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT IT OUT.
I MEAN, NOW YOU'VE DECIDED TO
START DOING ALL KINDS OF
INTERVIEWS.
WHY NOW?
YOU DID THE "NEW YORK TIMES,"
THE ROLLING STONE, WHY DIDN'T
YOU DO IT A FEW YEARS AGO?
YOU'RE TALKING NOW?
YOU'RE RETIRING!
>> Dave: NOBODY WOULD ASK ME
BEFORE.
I DON'T FEEL LIKE I HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY.
>> YOU HAVE PLENTY TO SAY BUT
YOU WON'T SAY IT.
FIRST OF ALL, YOU READ THIS
THING.
IT SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST
RETIREMENT EVER.
YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT IT THROUGH.
YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE IN MONTANA.
>> Dave: I NEVER SAID I WAS
GOING TO --
>> YES, YOU SAID IT.
DID YOU READ THIS?
(LAUGHTER)
YOU SAID YOU'RE GOING TO MONTANA
FOR THE SUMMER.
>> Dave: THAT SOUNDS GREAT!
YEAH, THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
>> Dave: THAT SOUNDS
TREMENDOUS!
>> YOU'RE A MAN WHO'S A RECLUSE.
>> Dave: I'M NOT A RECLUSE.
YOU DON'T LIKE TO GO
ANYWHERE.
>> Dave: YOU MAKE ME SOUND
LIKE I'M ON THE LAM.
(LAUGHTER)
>> BUT IN THE ARTICLE YOU SAY,
I'M GOING OFF.
I WANT TO BE ALONE.
I FOUND THIS PLACE JACK HANNAH
TOLD ME ABOUT, I'M GOING TO BE
ALONE.
>> Dave: THE COLUMBUS ZOO!
(LAUGHTER)
>> YOU'RE GOING OUT THERE.
WANT TO SIT AROUND, FISH WITH
HAY.
THAT WILL GO ABOUT THREE DAYS.
>> Dave: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN
FISHING?
YOU AND YOUR BUDDY JIMMY KIMBLE
GO FISHING.
>> THAT LASTS 15 MINUTES.
BUT YOU'VE NOT THOUGHT THROUGH
THE RETIREMENT THING AT ALL.
>> Dave: WHAT'S TO THINK
ABOUT?
>> WHEN YOU TAKE OFF TO MONTANA
FOR THE SUMMER, THINK ABOUT YOUR
POOR WIFE.
BY THE WAY, PEOPLE ARE BRINGING
YOU GIFTS.
I BROUGHT A GIFT FOR YOUR WIFE.
>> Dave: THAT'S VERY
THOUGHTFUL, HOWARD.
>> THIS IS FOR YOUR WIFE.
>> Dave: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(APPLAUSE)
>> I STARTED PAINTING.
I PAINT.
I'LL JUST GIVE YOU A HINT.
THERE'S A NOTE TO HER ON THE
BACK WHICH I DON'T WANT TO SHARE
ON W THE AUDIENCE.
IT'S ACTUALLY A NOTE OF APOLOGY.
BUT I MADE HER THIS LITTLE
PAINTING.
I THOUGHT SHE WOULD LIKE IT.
LOOK AT IT, SHOW IT TO THE
PEOPLE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOOK
AT IT
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: WHAT IS IT?
WATER COLORS.
>> Dave: WHAT IS IT.
A DAFFODIL.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NICE FOR
HER.
>> Dave: HOWARD, YOU DID THIS?
YES, I DID.
>> Dave: YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE
THE NUMBERS.
>> I THOUGHT SHE WOULD LIKE IT.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: THAT IS BEAUTIFUL,
HOWARD!
HOLY CRAP!
>> WOULD YOU LISTEN TO ME?
>> Dave: NO!
AM I THE ONLY ONE STUNNED HERE
THAT HE CAN DO THIS?
>> I'VE NEVER GIVEN A PAINTING
TO ANYBODY, REALLY.
BUT YOUR WIFE, I FEEL SO BAD FOR
HER.
THE POOR WOMAN'S GOING OFF TO
MONTANA WITH YOU AND YOU'RE
GOING TO STAND THERE --
>> Dave: FIRST OF ALL, WE'RE
NOT GOING TO MONTANA.
>> YES, YOU ARE.
>> Dave: SECONDLY, JACK HANNAH
HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.
>> CAN I JUST SAY SOMETHING?
>> Dave: JACK HANNAH HAS
NOTHING TO DO WITH ME AND
MONTANA.
>> IT SAID IN THE ARTICLE YOU
DECIDED YOU WANTED TO FIND A
PLACE TO BE AWAY FROM PEOPLE.
IT SAYS IN THE ARTICLE YOU GO
THERE, YOU GET LONELY AND YOU
INVITE PEOPLE TO MONTANA.
(LAUGHTER)
BUT REALLY THE PERSON I FELT
WORSE FOR WAS YOUR WIFE BECAUSE
YOU'RE SO SELFISH --
>> Dave: HOLD ON!
LET ME REFUTE SOME OF THE IN,
ACIES.
>> BUT LET ME FINISH!
>> Dave: JACK HANNAH, A DEAR
FRIEND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME
GOING TO MONTANA FOR A WEEKEND,
A MONTH OR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
>> BUT YOU SAID JACK HANNAH.
>> Dave: NO, I DIDN'T!
IT WAS JACK HANNAH.
>. YOU WERE MISQUOTED IN YOUR
OWN ARTICLE?
>> Dave: DO YOU WANT TO HEAR
THE REAL STORY?
>> YEAH.
BY THE WAY, I AM NEVER GOING TO
SEE DAVID LETTERMAN AGAIN.
YOU KNOW THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO SAY.
YOU AND I WERE SUPPOSED TO HAVE
DINNER A FEW WEEKS AGO.
MR. STEVE MARTIN THE GREAT
COMEDIAN PUT THIS TOGETHER.
WE HAD IT ON THE BOOKS FOR
WEEKS.
THAT DAY DAVE CANCELS THE DINNER
AND SAYS, OH, I FORGOT, I'M
GOING TO BE ON VACATION.
SO THIS IS IT, WE'LL NEVER SEE
EACH OTHER AGAIN.
>> Dave: WHAT WAS THE POINT OF
THAT STORY IN I WAS IN FOR
DINNER AND I REALIZED I'M NOT
EVEN GOING TO BE IN TOWN.
>> HOW DO YOU REALIZE THAT THE
DAY OF THE DINNER?
YOU HAVE WEEKS.
>> Dave: BECAUSE I'M NOT
PAYING ATTENTION.
IT'S NOT EXACTLY CHRISTMAS EVE.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE A SCHEDULE.
>> Dave: I HAVE A SCHEDULE.
THE BALL IS DROPPING.
HAVING DINNER WITH HOWARD.
I HAVE TO BE IN TOWN.
>> I CANCELED THE TRIP TO
FLORIDA BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU
WERE IN BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT
WOULD BE NICE.
>> Dave: IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
GREAT!
>> FOR GET IT!
YOU WANT THE HEAR SOMETHING
ABOUT THIS GUY?
LISTEN TO THIS...
DON RICKLES IS COMING ON LATER,
RIGHT?
(APPLAUSE)
MY HERO.
DAVID INVITED DON TO GO TO
DINNER WITH HIM AFTER THE SHOW.
DO YOU THINK I WAS INVITED?
I WASN'T INVITED.
TERRIBLE.
BUT I DIDN'T WANT TO GO ANYWAY.
>> Dave: HOWARD?
YES.
>> Dave: I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS
CARNEGIE STREET NIGHT.
>> WAIT A MINUTE, I DRESSED
UP -- WAIT A SECOND.
COME OVER HERE.
>> Dave: WHAT ARE WE DOING,
HOWARD?
>> IS THIS OUR FINAL TIME
TOGETHER?
COME HERE.
>> Dave: WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO
DO?
>> COME HERE!
COME HERE!
COME HERE AND HUG ME!
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: NO!
KISS ME!
>> Dave: NO!
KISS ME!
>> Dave: NO!
KISS ME NOW!
>> Dave: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪
♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: HOWARD STERN, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> OH, I LOOK HORRIBLE.
>> Dave: NO, NO, NO.
THE THING ABOUT DINNER, I HAD
NOTHING TO DO WITH DINNER
TONIGHT.
DON RICKLES AND HIS FRIENDS ARE
HAVING DINNER.
PAUL AND I, IF WE HAVE TIME
LATER, MIGHT STOP BY, BUT I
DIDN'T ARRANGE THE DINNER.
YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL AFFRONTED,
YOU SHOULDN'T FEEL LEFT OUT.
GO TO DINNER WITH DON RICKLES.
>> LISTEN, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO
DINNER WITH DON RICKLES.
I'VE HEARD THE FRANK SONATA
STORIES ENOUGH.
COME ON, THE TRUTH IS -- THE
TRUTH IS, YOU AND I, WE'VE KNOWN
EACH OTHER MANY YEARS.
I WANT TO TELL A STORY.
NOW'S THE TIME FOR ME TO TELL A
LITTLE STORY DURING THE SHOW.
>> Dave: NOW --
BE QUIET.
(LAUGHTER)
IN THE '80s, I WAS A DISC
JOCKEY AT NBC AND DAVE CALLED ME
UP TO DO HIS SHOW.
>> Dave: TAKE A LOOK AT THE
PICTURE.
THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW.
>> OH, IT'S -- OH!
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
>> I HAD A HORRIBLE IDEA WHEN I
DID THAT.
>> Dave: LOOK, EVERYBODY!
IT'S THE PRESIDENT OF THE MATH
CLUB!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> I WASN'T THE COOLEST GUY.
NO, LET ME SAY THIS, THOUGH.
I DO WANT TO SAY THIS.
DAVE GIVES ME A CALL TO COME ON
THE SHOW.
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU, I'VE HEARD
ALL THE STORIES.
I KNEW LATE DAVID BRENNER.
HE WENT ON JOHNNY CARSON'S SHOW.
THE NEXT DAY HE TOLD ME -- HE
WAS A MILLIONAIRE, BOOKED IN
EVERY MAJOR CLUB, IN EVERY PLACE
IN VEGAS.
SO I WAS PREPARED.
DAVE CALLED ME.
TAPPED ME TO BE ON THE SHOW.
THERE I WAS -- AND THIS IS SO
SENTIMENTAL -- HE SAYS, COME ON
THE SHOW.
NOW I'M THINKING I'M GOING TO BE
A MILLIONAIRE FOR BEING ON THIS
SHOW.
>> Dave: OVERNIGHT.
YEAH.
WELL, I GO ON, NOTHING HAPPENS.
ZERO.
I MEAN, MY PARENTS DIDN'T SEE
IT.
MY LISTENERS DIDN'T SEE IT.
>> Dave: NO ONE SAW IT?
THE POWER OF THIS SHOW, THANK
GOD IT'S OVER!
IT'S BEEN A HUGE DISAPPOINTMENT!
IT REALLY HAS.
IT'S ENOUGH.
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE
ALWAYS --
>> AND BY THE WAY, DAVE...
(LAUGHTER)
ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT HAVING
JAY LENO ON NEXT WEEK FOR YOUR
LAST GUEST?
(APPLAUSE)
>> DON'T APPLAUD THAT!
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?
>> Dave: I DON'T KNOW, IS THAT
HAPPENING?
>> IT IS NOT.
IT IS TRUE YOU PUT OUT THE OFFER
TO DO THE SHOW?
IT IS.
AND JAY SAID, NO, THAT CREEP.
DID HE SAY NO?
GOOD.
I DON'T WANT HIM ON MY SHOW.
WHO NEEDS HIM!
>> Dave: I'M NOT A PRODUCER.
YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH THAT?
>> Dave: NO.
JAY ASKED ME TO BE ON WHEN HE
WAS FINISHING HIS SHOW.
I SAID THAT'S A LOVELY OFFER.
BUT I SAID I THINK IT SHOULD BE
MORE ABOUT JAY ON HIS FINAL WEEK
OF SHOWS.
SO I DECLINED.
>> GOOD FOR YOU.
>> Dave: I THINK HE MAY FEEL
THE SAME WAY WITH THIS
SITUATION.
>> GOOD.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH
YOURSELF?
>> Dave: SO THAT'S WHEN WE
CALLED YOU.
>> AH...
(APPLAUSE)
>> HEY -- HEY -- I WAS THINKING
ABOUT IT, WHO IS THE BEST GUEST
OUT OF ALL THE YEARS.
>> Dave: GOOD QUESTION.
WHO IS THE BEST GUEST?
I THOUGHT ABOUT IT.
>> Dave: WHO DO YOU THINK?
YOU TELL ME YOUR BEST GUEST ON
YOUR SHOW, I'LL TELL YOU MINE.
>> WHY ARE YOU CHANGING THIS?
>> Dave: YOU TELL ME AND THEN
I'LL TELL YOU AND THEN WE'LL
SWITCH.
>> THE BEST GUEST ON THE SHOW
THAT COMES TO MIND -- YOU WERE
VERY GOOD BUT COULD HAVE BEEN
BETTER, YOU WEREN'T VERY
FORTHCOMING.
JERRY SEINFELD AND THEN BILLY
JOEL.
>> Dave: BILLY JOEL!
ID THREE OURS WITH HIM.
PHENOMENAL.
>> Dave: IMPRESSIVE.
THE BEST GUEST WAS EITHER
ANDY KAUFMAN OR ME.
DOWN TO TWO PEOPLE.
>> Dave: ANDY -- OH, MY GOD.
THAT SLIPS YOUR MIND.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE
WOULD HAVE BEEN WATCHING IN THE
LAST TEN OR 15 YEARS REMEMBER
WHEN ANDY WOULD COME ON THE OLD
SHOW.
>> I REMEMBER
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: I'M NOT GOING TO KISS
YOU.
>> KISS ME.
>> Dave: NO.
I HAVE A THING --
>> OH, YOU HAVE A THING.
>> Dave: I HAVE A THING HERE I
HAVE TO HAVE DR. GRANDSTEIN LOOK
AT TOMORROW.
>> WHAT IS REGINA GOING TO DO IN
MONTANA, YOUR LIFE.
>> Dave: WE'RE NOT GOING!
REGINA, LISTEN TO ME --
>> Dave: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO
MONTANA?
>> OF COURSE NOT.
>> Dave: AND I'M GOING TO
MONTANA...
(APPLAUSE)
I GIVE UP.
WE'RE GOING TO BRING OUT DON.
>> YEAH.
>> Dave: AND YOU AND DON WILL
GO TO DINNER.
WILL BE FANTASTIC.
WE'LL BE BACK WITH DON RICKLES,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: OUR NEXT GUEST IS
ALSO A GOOD FRIEND OF OURS, A
LEGEND OF COMEDY.
>> HURRY UP!
>> Dave: I'M GOING!
(LAUGHTER)
HE STARRED IN THE CLASSIC SHARKY
WHICH IS NOW AVAILABLE ON D.V.D.
HERE HE IS, MR. DON RICKLES!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪
WELCOME BACK, DON!
GOOD TO SEE YOU!
I THINK SINCE THE LAST TIME WE
SAW YOU, YOU HAD ANOTHER
BIRTHDAY.
CONGRATULATIONS ON THAT.
>> THANK YOU.
50 YEARS OLD IS NOT BAD.
>> Dave: NO.
NO, GOD HAS BEEN GOOD.
WHERE IS THE TIME GOING?
I'M TALKING TO YOU LIKE WE KNOW
EACH OTHER.
>> Dave: WE DO KNOW EACH
OTHER.
>> I WAS JUST GOING TO SAY, THIS
MAN, I REMEMBER YOU HAD, LIKE, A
RADIO CONVENTION.
A BUNCH OF RADIO SHOWS.
>> Dave: YES.
AND I MET YOU.
I SAID, WHAT IS THIS GUY WITH
THE TRICK OR TREAT HAIR DOING?
(LAUGHTER)
AND SUDDENLY, HE BECAME A
BILLIONAIRE!
>> Dave: RIGHT.
YOU WERE VERY GRACIOUS.
>> Dave: AND THEN I WENT ON
YOUR SHOW.
HE STOOD UP IN THE WHOLE SHOW.
I'LL TALK TO YOU IN A MINUTE.
(LAUGHTER)
THEN HE STOOD UP THE WHOLE SHOW,
I REMEMBER THAT.
>> YEAH.
HE THOUGHT IT WAS YOM KIPPUR.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT
IT.
YOU WILL SOME DAY.
WHEN WE HAVE A JEW PRESIDENT,
HE'S GOING TO GET A HAIRCUT!
AND THIS MAN SKYROCKETED TO FAME
AND THE WORLD LOVES HIM.
I WAS SO DELIGHTED IN OUR
CAREER.
DENZEL WASHINGTON WAS THE LAST
TIME I WAS ON A SHOW WITH A
FAMOUS GENTLEMAN AND NOW YOU.
I HAVE TO SAY THIS BEFORE WE GET
TO HIM, BECAUSE H HE'S
THROUGH --
(LAUGHTER)
>> -- YOU ARE YOUNG, BRIGHT,
TERRIFIC AND I SWEAR YOU ARE
DYNAMITE FOR THE PEOPLE AND GOD
BLESS YOU.
>> OH, THANKS.
THANKS SO MUCH.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: WHAT THE HELL WAS
THAT!
>> WE'LL GET TO YOU IN A MINUTE.
DON IS MY HERO.
WHEN I WAS A KID, I WOULD WATCH
TALK SHOWS WITH MY MOTHER AND I
WOULD WAIT FOR DON RICKLES TO
COME ON.
IT WAS THE HIGH LIGHT OF MY LIFE
AND TO SIT NEXT TO HIM MAY BE
THE GREATEST GIFT YOU COULD GIVE
ME AND I LOVE YOU.
NOW, RIP DAVE A NEW ONE
(LAUGHTER)
>> DAVE'S MOVING TO MONTANA.
HERE'S A COWBOY HAT.
PUT IT ON.
(APPLAUSE)
(COWBOY MUSIC PLAYING)
>> LOOK AT HIM.
YOU'VE GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM.
HE RIDES HORSES, YOU KNOW.
>> YOU RIDE HORSES, DAVE?
>> Dave: YOU KNOW YOU'RE
TRESPASSING.
DON'T MAKE ME CALL THE SHERIFF.
(LAUGHTER)
JACK HANNAH, WHO RUNS A ZOO --
>> I DON'T LIVE UNDER A ROCK!
I KNOW WHO JACK HANNAH IS.
YOU ACT LIKE YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON.
JACK HAN   NARKS WHEN JOHNNY
CARSON USED TO WORK WITH THE
ANIMALS, THEN I WATCHED YOU WORK
WITH THE ANIMALS -- AAAA --
>> Dave: IT'S ANIMALS.
I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!
>> NO NEED TO GET PISSED OFF!
YOU'RE GETTING NASTY.
TWO JEWS LOOKING FOR PRAYS AND
YOU'VE GOT AN EDGE ON!
(LAUGHTER)
BY THE WAY, I SAW YOUR WIFE.
OFF BEAUTIFUL WIFE.
>> THANK YOU.
AS YOU DO, TOO.
>> Dave: THANK YOU.
HE HAS GREAT WIFE, HE'S GOING
TO SENTENCE HER TO MONTANA.
SHE'S GOING TO GO TO THE GENERAL
STORE AND BE FRIENDS WITH AUNT
BEE
(LAUGHTER)
>> Dave: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
WITH DON RICKLES, EVERYBODY!
♪
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
 Captioning sponsored by
 WORLDWIDE PANTS and CBS
 Captioned by
 Media Access Group at WGBH
 access.wgbh.org
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: DON RICKLES, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN!
YOU WILL SEE HIM AT THE NEW YORK
CB THEATER.
WHAT IS THAT?
>> WHAT, IS THIS A TEST?
>> Dave: YEAH.
MAY 16.
IT WILL BE THE NIGHT OF YOUR
LIFE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
>> HEY HAS A LOT OF MONEY, BUT
I'VE GOT TO PLUG THIS.
JERSEY, THAT'S A SAD WRITER.
(APPLAUSE)
>> Dave: YOU LOOK LIKE THE
AMISH MAFIA.
>> NO, THEY'RE YAMAKAS.
>> Dave: HOWARD STERN ON THE
SHOW, YOU WORK HOW MANY DAYS A
WEEK?
>> THREE DAYS A WEEK THERE AND
THEN, OF COURSE, MY EXCELLENT
JUDGING ON "AMERICAN IDOL."
>> Dave: OH, "AMERICAN IDOL,"
THAT'S RIGHT!
>> THANK YOU.
>> Dave: CPO SHARKY, NOW
AVAILABLE ON D.V.D.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
♪
♪ ♪
