 
The Get More Sex, Get Better Sex Course - Week 1

Iain Littlejohn

Published by 3Cubesmedia Publishing Ltd. at Smashwords

Copyright 2012 Iain Littlejohn All rights reserved.

The right of Iain Littlejohn to be identified as the author of this Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

No part of this course may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission. The course is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior written consent. If you wish to quote any part of this work in an article or a review please contact: 3Cubesmedia Publishing at: admin@3cubesmedia.com

Smashwords Edition License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Disclaimer

This course contains advice and information relating to sexual health and interpersonal well-being. It is advisory only and is not intended to replace medical advice. It should be used to supplement, rather than replace, regular care by both your own and your partner's doctor or mental health professional. Whilst all efforts have been made to ensure the accuracy of the information contained in this course as of the date of publication the information and opinions contained herein should not be used or relied upon without the consultation and advice from a physician. The publisher and the author disclaim any responsibility for the accuracy of such information and opinions and are not responsible for any adverse effects or consequences that may occur as a result from any use, reliance or application of the methods suggested in this course.

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**Table of contents**

Day 1 - Main content

Day 1 - Summary and exercises

Day 2 - Main content

Day 2 - Summary and exercises

Day 3 - Main content

Day 3 - Summary and exercises

Day 4 - Main content

Day 4 - Summary and exercises

Day 5 - Main content

Day 5 Summary and exercises

What's next: Weeks 2-8

Appendix: Causes of low sexual desire

Appendix: Talking about sex with your partner

About the author

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An introduction that isn't an introduction

Firstly, welcome along. It's a good thing that you've done purchasing this course. Now then - I'm really not that keen on those introductory chapters of books that explain to you why you're not getting any sex, why the author wrote the book, who the book's for, etc. etc. at the end of the day you just want to get on with it and I'm really pretty sure that you don't give a monkeys why I wrote this course so I'm not going to repeat it here (but if you do really want to know - then this is all on our website at http://www.seductious.co.uk). The one thing that I do want to say in this paragraph though is to please finish to the end of this introductory day one. It will explain to you how the course works, and you will need to know that, otherwise you'll start reading it and you won't have a clue how the things going to work, so quite possibly it just won't work for you. So be patient and read the thing.

Okay, thank you, now let's get on with it...

This is worth knowing **...**

  1. Most of the stuff in this course is basically just good common sense stuff, and you may have read a lot of it before - and I'm not going to pretend otherwise. I am no scientist or doctor, and I certainly am not claiming to have all the answers, or indeed a mountain of hard data to back them up, this course is written by a man on his own search. I've read a lot of stuff over the past 3 years, asked a lot of questions, tried a lot of stuff out, failed a lot, tried again, etc. and as a result I feel that know about the problems that you face getting your partner into bed and, more importantly, I feel that I know how to solve them.

  2. Secondly - you will need to have the desire to do something about your situation – true desire – but we'll get to that in the "what is this going to take" section in a moment.

  3. This is a course with solutions, not problems - so you won't find much in here about safe sex. If you are young, free and single, and are desperate to push your sexual boundaries then this course is very likely not for you. This course is for the man in a long term relationship who simply wants to have more sex with the lady that he's with. And you've probably been with that person for quite a long time.

How does the course work **?**

  * Get More, Get Better is an 8 week course divided into 38 daily parts.

  * It isn't aimed at being something that you and your partner work on together; it's something that you will work on, on your own.

  * It makes the assumption that the typical chap taking the course doesn't have a huge amount of time on his hands, so that's why it will take approximately 20 minutes of your time each day to read the main course content.

  * It is designed to be listened to just 5 days of the week for the full 8 weeks. Why just 5 days of the week? Well, I tried to work out where you'd take your 20 minutes. And I arrived at the conclusion that it was likely that men would read the course away from their partners and family, maybe on the commute to work or on a lunch break in a quiet corner somewhere, and not when at home on a typical two day weekend or your days off. Hence the reason why its 5 days a week.

  * I recommend that you develop a routine to study the course at the same time for 20 minutes 5 days a week. This controlled approach will give you the time to digest each topic that is given to you and to combine it with the daily exercises.

  * Now I'm not going to pretend that all you've got to do is to read something for 20 minutes, 5 days a week for 8 weeks and you'll magically get more sex with your partner. Nope, sorry, obviously that's just the reading bit, the follow up stuff you'll have to do is definitely going to take you longer than 20 minutes per day, and this follow up stuff takes the form of exercises that you are asked to complete each day.

  * The exercises are designed to get you working on what you've learnt that day in order to cement the learning in your head, but also as a steady drip feed of information over time, rather than great chunks of information being thrown at you all at once. For example - the course includes 61 'Getting better at sex' tips – so rather than reeling off all 61 at you at once they are given to you two per day, with the thought that: Less information overload = More goes into your head.

  * The summary and exercises for each day are on separate pages, so that (assuming you've purchased a printable version of this course) they can be printed out and carried round with you for the day. And then, when you get a second or two in your hectic schedule you can keep reminding yourself of what you've learnt and what you've got to do that day by way of the exercises.

  * The course does a lot of repetition; during days 2 to 21 you'll have the same content repeated at you four times...

    * Each new topic is given to you in its full detail.

    * Then the topic is summed up at the end of the day.

    * At the end of each day you'll be given exercises to work, some or all of which will be based on the topics you've learnt about that day.

    * And the following day I summarise the content learnt the previous day and follow up by asking you how you got on with the exercises.

  * So why does it work this way? Simply because there's a lot of content to learn in the course and because I feel that repetition is a tried and tested method of learning.

  * One of the key underlying principles of the course is about improving your relationship with your partner. So, for what may seem like quite a while, I talk about things that may well appear to you to have nothing whatsoever to do with you getting more sex. So to begin with you will just need to bear with it, believe that it is going to work, try it out and see if it works for you.

  * I'll keep on bringing the learning back round to the reason why you purchased this course – to get more sex. I feel that this is an important thing to do so that you are regularly reminded that we are continuing to focus on your end goal.

  * I'm no doctor or hypnotist, so there's no physco babble here, no weirdy nonsense trying to hypnotise your partner into getting her into bed – I'm just an ordinary chap on a mission for answers. So all of the tips are...

    * Simply - good, common sense ideas, that you probably just wouldn't otherwise have thought of.

    * They're all what I call "blokerized" – they are written by a man, for men.

    * Each of the topics has been put into the right, no offence, idiot-proof, order so that you do the right stuff at the right time to get you more sex.

  * The course is not going to be a one sized fits all approach - if something works then great, make a mental note of it, or keep a journal in order to remember it, but if it doesn't work, then okay, you've tried it, well done for trying it, then just move on to the next idea and try that one.

Okay, that's a lot of stuff about how it works! So, before we go any further I want to give you the structure of the thing, right up front here and now. This is the formula of how you are going to get more sex with your partner...

  1. Ground rules \- firstly you are going to be told a load of stuff to stop doing, mainly to ensure that you aren't doing stuff that's going to potentially be totally putting your partner off of sex with you. So for some readers this could be a really hard section. Why? Well - if you are currently doing a load of the stuff that I'm going to suggest that you stop - then you'll have a lot of work to do and this section could be quite tough, but for other readers it might be a total breeze.

  2. Laying down some good foundations – secondly you are going to get told a load of stuff to start doing. If we compare the process of you getting more sex with the process of building a new apartment block then section 1, 'Ground rules ', above was doing the ground clearance, taking away all of the bad stuff in the soil, and this section is about laying down the good, solid, concrete foundations for the building. It's about giving you the positive stuff that you've got to start doing for your relationship in order to start the process of getting more sex.

  3. Getting you out of the 'dull sex' rut – now then chaps – it's worth knowing that potentially your partner isn't going to be massively enthused about leaping into bed with you for the same, dull old sex! So, taking into account the fact that the course is called Get More, Get Better, here I introduce the first of the 'getting better at sex tips', then over the remainder of the course you will slowly (at a rate of two tips per day) be fed the tips on how to improve your sexual repertoire.

  4. Daily to do's – the daily to-do's strengthen this apartment block we're constructing – this section is all about suggesting things that you should be doing for your partner, your relationship, your home and your family which will basically make it easier for you to get sex when you want it. On the face of it this doesn't sound like it will get you more sex, I know, but it really will...

  5. Weekly to do's – the weekly to-do's section is mainly about a concept that you may already have heard of called 'date night' – I won't go into detail here, but 'date night' is a great concept which will assist you in strengthening your relationship and which will also give you a great opportunity to initiate sex with your partner.

  6. Monthly to do's – the monthly to-do's section suggests further things that you should be doing, again in order to strengthen your relationship, but which also gives you some really great opportunities to initiate sex.

  7. When you want sex to do's – this section is about giving you ideas, tips and a strategy for how to initiate sex with your partner. We look at; how to create opportunities for sex, how to spot good potential opportunities to initiate sex, as well as giving you a checklist of stuff to tick off before you even think about bothering to try initiating sex.

  8. I give you some tips on how to keep things going – by this stage you'll have learnt a lot of really good stuff, so in this section you get some ideas for how to ensure that you keep things going. This section is designed to be referred to again and again, to keep your mind refreshed with everything that you've learnt in the course.

  9. And finally \- I'll give you some pointers for what you can do if none of the stuff in the course has worked – so that you've got some pointers in the right direction of where to turn next.

And that's it! That's the formula for getting you more sex with your partner.

How long is this going to take **?**

The answer should really be - "that's up to you", because it all depends on how much effort you put in. But if we assume the following...

  1. You can spare around 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week, to read the course.

  2. That you make a commitment to yourself that in those 20 minutes you'll take in what you are reading and that you don't just let it all wash over you as you read.

  3. That you put in the required effort. Just reading isn't enough I'm afraid. Having read stuff, you've then got to go and actually act on it all and do the exercises that you are set.

  4. That you aren't a malicious arse, who has damaged your partner so much that actually it's more likely to take six months just to repair the damage you've done to her mental wellbeing, let alone the time that it will take to get her back into the right place to want to have sex with you.

...then...

  1. You should know enough by the end of day 17 to understand what you've got to do to seduce your partner into bed and how to do so more often.

  2. And by the end of the course, ie in 8 weeks (or 38 days worth of reading and exercises) you should be in a really great place in terms of...

    1. Your knowledge and understanding of the seduction process that you will have practised and cemented your learning on through the exercises.

    2. Your partner wanting to come back to bed with you more often because you'll have learnt some great tips on ways that you can pleasure her when you do get her into bed.

But having said all that, it really is up to you in terms of the amount of time that it will take, because it requires effort on your part, so with that in mind...

What is it going to take **?**

To succeed in this course, ie you getting more regular, and better, sex with your partner - this is what it's going to take...

You quitting with your moaning

Okay then, first off, a potentially rather harsh reality check that I am not going to apologise for – if you have been droning on and on with a load of dejected, lame, self-pitying, sorry arse moans and complaints about your lack of a sex life then you'll need to quit with this. Ouch. Okay, I probably need to explain why I'm short on sympathy. Well, unfortunately the evidence appears to suggest that most men in long term relationships wouldn't know decent advice on sex if it slapped them in the face, or potentially worse, they won't even bother to actually listen. Instead they find it a whole lot easier to moan and whinge about the issue, that's why. So this is absolutely going to take (a) you quitting your whinging, (b) you listening to this stuff and then (c) you acting on it.

An understanding that you HAVE got the time for this

If a decent sex life is important to you and your partner then you absolutely have got the time for it. Unless you happen to be an alien from another planet with some clever time shifting technology then you have just as many hours in the day as everyone else on this planet –it's about how you choose to spend those hours. So if you want more regular sex with your partner make it a priority and assign it some importance.

A realisation that, more than likely, you have NO excuses

Now then, before I say this next bit I'm going to make the assumption that you've read the "Causes of low sexual desire" appendix at the end of this eBook (or this same section on our website) and that you've discovered no underlying issues with either you or your partner from what you've read. Assuming that all is good then - I need to tell you that you really don't have any excuses for your lack of sex life. And you've possibly even made up a load of really rubbish ones as well... "we've got kids", "she's always too tired", "we're always so busy", "we never have any time", "my job is hellish", "we've been married forever and a day and the lusts all gone", or "my wife's to blame as well you know". etc. etc. I'm sorry, but you are wrong – your sex life is absolutely there for the taking – go get it.

You being a lot less lazy

This is very likely to take you being a whole lot less lazy. I'm hoping that you are; a healthy man, potentially in your prime, and that, more than likely you are either married or in a committed long term relationship also with a healthy partner, again potentially in her prime. So age, infirmity, or illness is more than likely not the problem here. No, it's actually way more likely to be your laziness. Yes, that is what I said, laziness. Because, unfortunately, most of the time in life if you want something, you can mostly never expect it to be presented to you on a plate, you've got to go and get it. Keep reading and I'll help you out with the 'how to go and get it' bit, but I will need you to stop being a lazy arse.

You getting used to one rather dull rule of life that men have to suffer with

Have a read of this and see what you think...

  * It is a rather unfortunate rule in life that women make all the decisions and that blokes just say 'yes' and go along with it.

  * Your partner may well let you think that you are getting your way the whole time, because otherwise it could well hurt your really fragile male ego.

  * This course won't hide the fact that it's getting you to do all the hard work when trying to seduce your partner into bed, but then it's actually your partner who will do all of the agreeing to submit to you at every step; from that very first sparkle in her eye to her ultimately surrendering to you sexually. Think back to when you first met your partner, was it her choice to make the decisions at every stage?...

    * She will have sent you the initial "it's ok to approach me" signal that meant that she was willing to hear you out for a moment or two.

    * Then she decided whether or not she was going to grace you with her phone number.

    * Then she may have agreed to a first date with you.

    * Then if you were lucky she also agreed to date you a second time.

    * Then she may have beckoned you in for your first kiss together.

    * And then several days or maybe even weeks, later she will have allowed further escalation to some passionate kissing and touching.

    * And then finally she gave the permission for some sex, she let you take her clothes off and you got an ok to enter her.

  * The idea that you are in charge of everything is purely an illusion which sticks around only because the rules of the world appear to request it.

  * If you are struggling to get this stuff then rejection could likely come your way full on in the face if you charge in trying to get sex with your partner without first having seduced her into giving you that 'green for go' signal.

  * That elusive 'green for go' signal just won't come out if all you do is hang around waiting for it.

Again, ouch! What's the answer to this? Easy; tell yourself that "hey, that's life as a man – there are good bits too", and then just get over it and get on with what you've got to do. And yes, this course will give you the 'what you've got to do' bit.

You shifting your thinking

You may feel that some of the tips, ideas and suggestions in this course will make you feel like you are losing control to your partner. So what is needed from you please is a change in your thinking; you are not losing control, instead - you are actually gaining control. You are gaining control of how to seduce your partner and how to tackle the issues that occur whilst doing so. You're going to be a better man for having taken on board the tips in this course and having made the effort to go out and do something with them. It's highly likely that, actually, your partner does want to have sex with you, and that she's not being purposefully mean to you by rejecting you for sex the whole time (unless of course you are being really horrible to her), and instead all that is really needed is that you just have to help her get into the right place to want to have sex with you.

You quitting the assumption that regular sex in a long term relationship is a given

This is also going to take you coming to the realisation that sex in a long term relationship is not just a given. Yes, this IS really rubbish, I do agree – you are being asked to put all of this effort in just to get some sex. Wouldn't it be great if your partner wanted sex as often as you do? And wouldn't it be even better if she wanted the kind of sex that you'd probably like? It would indeed, but that's more than likely not the reality in your situation, and there's no getting away from this. Let's say worst case you left your partner to go off and have an affair, even if you did take this drastic step would you find a female partner who wants sex as much as you do? Sorry chaps – but the answers probably no (or at least not after the initial infatuation period had ended anyway). So like it or lump it you will need to put in the effort to get the results that you want. Sex will rarely simply present itself to you. Getting the regular sex with your partner that you'd like will require a combination of the following...

  * Effort

  * Hard work

  * Some clever figuring out of lots of stuff

  * Inventiveness

  * Courage

  * Trial and error

  * A firm belief in yourself and your abilities

If you want more regular sex with your partner then you need to be prepared to do whatever it takes to achieve your objective. It's likely you've done this loads of times in other areas, be it; at work on a particular project, organising a night out with your male friends, getting through those first 12 weeks of having kids, you've potentially even rearranged and overturned your entire life just to get a golfing weekend sorted – so you can do this stuff – it's all mind over matter, so with that in mind!...

You opening your mind

You will need to open your mind. Why? Because there will be a lot of stuff in here that you will not be used to and that you may be really sceptical about initially. In the next section I'm going to tell you not to believe anything that you read until you've tried it – so this may help a little with all you sceptics out there – but what you will need to do is to approach this course with an open mind (alongside all that hard work and dedication that you need to be putting in too of course).

A realisation that there's no magic, quick fix, formula

Now then – what I'm not claiming with this course is that I've discovered some new magical, quick fix solution to getting your partner into bed, all of the content in the course is just good common sense stuff. So it's also well worth knowing that there are no shortcuts to any place that is worth going to – and hopefully you'll agree that more and better sex with your partner is a place that is worth going to.

Yes, this course will take you time to get through, but it's just one of those compromises that you are going to have to make, there really is no getting around this one. And yes, it will ask you to spend lots more time with your partner as well, but surely spending more time with your partner is a good thing anyway, isn't it?

An understanding that this is going to take hard work and commitment

I probably don't need to repeat this one again, but just in case you haven't got it yet – depending on what your current situation is this process is fairly likely to take both hard work and commitment from you – and most especially if you are currently doing a lot of the things that I am going to suggest that you stop doing. If you are in a good place with your relationship generally then it should be a whole lot easier, but whatever your current relationship situation please bear with every single tip, idea and exercise, and keep on reading them all, and never skip stuff, otherwise you may miss an important part of what is really quite a complex jigsaw puzzle.

An understanding from you that there may be some changes that you'll need to make

There is no getting away from the fact that this course is very likely to be suggesting that you make some changes to the way that you go about your interactions with your partner. I'm going to leave what those types of changes might be to the main course content, and it also really depends on your current relationship situation. But what you'll need to decide when you are reading the course is - what are the acceptable changes to you in order for you to get more sex. Having said that however, none of the things that I suggest in the course are really that awful (in my humble opinion), and they are all things that will ultimately help you to get more of what you want and to improve your relationship. And who wouldn't want a better relationship with the person you've married or have committed to being with?

A change in your attitude

Again, depending on your situation you may well need to be prepared to allow your attitude to your partner, and possibly your attitudes in general, to change in order for some of the tips in this course to work. Because if you don't then it's quite possible that you simply won't be open enough to the suggestions in this course for them to filter in and for them to have the desired positive effect.

You watching less porn

It may be that you need to take a good look at your porn habit, assuming of course that you have one. If you don't have one then it's okay to move on, there's nothing to see here. But, if you can honestly say that your porn habit is causing an issue with either your relationship or the way that you view sex then it may well be worth trying to wean yourself off the stuff. Instead concentrate your time and efforts on succeeding with this course, and thereby making your own porn in the form of getting more and better sex with your partner, as well as (assuming that your partner is up for it of course) the type of sex that you want. Go get turned on by your partner for once, rather than those on screen characters.

You will need to bear with the first week or so of the course

You will also need to be patient with this course. Why? Because, for example, as you've already seen day 1 is only introducing stuff to you, and days 2-5 will tell you to stop a load of stuff, days 6-8 will tell you to start a load of stuff, and then it's only at day 9 that you start to get to the juicy stuff. That's not to say of course that it's not all relevant, it is, and you absolutely shouldn't skip straight to day 9. Because if you do then it's likely that you will miss something important that will be stopping you getting more sex. So I'm telling you this just so that you ensure that you are patient and that you don't skip stuff, otherwise you may well just need to go back and start again at the beginning.

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Okay then, that's what it's going to take, so what are you going to need to do to help yourself get to where you want to be?...

Set yourself some goals, have a plan

Well, for starters, setting yourself a target might help you focus on your end goal for this course. Perhaps setting yourself a goal to get sex with the frequency that you'd like. Writing that frequency down somewhere (ideally where your partner won't see it!) and reviewing it frequently. This may well assist you in reaching it.

If you are writing a goal though, do try and avoid making it a negative one, eg "I'm not getting enough sex, so.....", instead make it positive, make it specific, definitely make it achievable (ie 3 times a day, 7 days a week may well not be achievable!) and put a time to it - eg "I'd like to get better, more fulfilling, closer sex with my partner, once a week, and I'd like to have achieved this 2 months from now".

If you are putting your plan down on paper try doing these four things...

  1. Know where you are with your sex life currently, eg "I'm getting sex once every 6 or so weeks".

  2. Know where you want your sex life to get to, eg "I'd like to be making love with my partner once a week".

  3. Make a plan to achieve this goal (this course will absolutely help you in achieving the goal and in creating your plan).

  4. Then simply go and do it.

You quitting trying to get sex for a little while

Tomorrow I make the rather strong suggestion that you do something called "stopping the pursuit". I won't go into detail on this suggestion right now, that's best left until tomorrow – but essentially it suggests that you quit "pursuing" your partner for sex because doing this in the wrong way will only put her off of sex with you even more, and will possibly ensure that she digs her heels in even further to keep on refusing sex with you.

Now, whilst you absolutely don't have to take this suggestion at all - if I could just run the following idea past you please...

  * Until you've got a good way through this course it may be sensible to quit trying to initiate sex with your partner.

  * If you currently "pester" your partner for sex (a description of what this is will be given tomorrow) then it may well be worth stopping this pestering altogether.

  * This bit of extra "space" that you give her might well be used by her to re-evaluate your sex life together and then, by the time you've got a good way through the course and have gained some useful knowledge on what to do instead - she may well be in a way better place anyway. Back off your partner sexually for a while, give her some space, give her a chance to miss you, to miss your touch and to miss the closeness of sex with you. All of which will contribute to the process of getting you more of what you want.

  * If all you are doing when you try and get sex with your partner is just to repeat the same old moves and mistakes each time then it's likely that they won't be getting you anywhere for the moment anyway, so perhaps it's best to stop making those same old mistakes by stopping trying at all. Instead follow this course and the exercises in it to learn how to do it the right way.

  * Quit trying to touch her in an intimate way and definitely stop complaining about a lack of sex in your relationship.

  * Quit with all of your very unsubtle sexual comments and / or innuendos.

If you do take this advice though please do it in the right way...

  * Don't go totally the wrong way and withdraw from your partner completely.

  * If you are lucky enough for your partner to be trying to initiate sex with you then know that refusing sex with her may not be a good move.

  * Don't be 'funny' with her, just be your normal self.

Now yes, I absolutely get that not having sex for a while, not getting that sexual relief, is really likely to be quite a tricky thing to do. However - quitting the pursuit of your partner will be more than worth it for the longer term results that you get in the end. And if you need to take your mind off of things (and in turn also help your partner to miss you) go and do something for you; go out for a drink with your friends instead, go and join a gym, show your partner that you are focussing on you instead of constantly pestering her for sex.

Having said that though - if you aren't this type of reader, and you are (a) getting sex with a regularity that you are happy with and that (b) your partner initiates sex with you - then I wouldn't suggest that this tip is something that you should try. Because if you do then she will only wonder what on earth has gone wrong in your relationship or what she has done to put you off of her, and this will only make things worse.

Don't believe anything that you read in this course

Now this is going to sound somewhat silly – but I don't want you to believe anything you read in this course. Yes, that's right, I did just say that. Even though all of the ideas, tips and suggestions in this course are written from real life experience, you won't get anywhere if you simply try and work out in your head whether or not you believe any of it. Belief is not the way that you are going to succeed in getting more sex, nope – practise is the way that you are going to get more. So start grabbing some of the tips and use them, try them out, see what results you get and what works for you.

The assumptions that are being made

We're almost done for today, and then you can start getting on with the main content tomorrow. What I'd like to do though, before I let you get on with it is to have a quick check on the assumptions that I'm making about you – because if the following doesn't fit then you are either not in the right place for this course at the moment, or you shouldn't be reading it at all...

  1. You are a man (that's quite important as far as this course goes).

  2. You are in a long term relationship with a female partner.

  3. You love your partner and desire her sexually – and you aren't seriously considering running off with someone else.

  4. You actually want to get off your arse and do something about the lack of sex that you are having (I'm assuming this lack of sex only because you've purchased this course) - you've got to be committed, you can't just expect to do some reading and then for things to magically improve, you've got to act on the stuff that is being suggested to you.

  5. Neither you or your partner have any of the issues in the "Causes of low sexual desire" appendix. If you've got one or more of these then you may potentially need other, professional, help.

  6. This isn't the course for you if you have an issue with your sexual desire. It assumes that you want and desire sex, so this course concentrates fully on why your partner might not want sex quite as often as you, and we look at the ways to get you more sex.

  7. Finally this course absolutely makes the assumption that you totally understand the health and safety 'stuff' around sex. It is quite simply not going to talk about these things as its highly likely that you know it all anyway and you are grown up enough not to need to be told it again. So if you are in any way concerned about such issues then you absolutely need to go be sensible - and seek your information elsewhere, ie from a qualified medical practitioner. With that in mind then here are the 'safe sex' assumptions that are being made...

    1. It assumes that it doesn't need to repeat that health and safety briefing here.

    2. It assumes that you are in a trusting and committed relationship and that you are not off sleeping around with lots of other partners.

    3. It assumes that your partner is not off doing the same too (i.e. having lots of extramarital affairs).

    4. It assumes that you've both discussed and agreed the method of birth control that you use and that you are both sticking with what you've agreed.

    5. And finally - it assumes that you have had the whole conversation and taken the necessary precautions about any potentially sexually transmitted infections that one or both of you might have and that you are both grown up and mature enough to understand the risks with sex.

Do I tell my partner that I'm doing this course **?**

Personally I'd advise that you didn't, because if you do then you will only alert her to the good stuff that you are about to do for your relationship and your sex life together, and then she'll be on the lookout for what you are going to be doing. Let your positive actions do the talking instead.

If you feel that you absolutely have to talk with your partner about sex at this stage then there are some really good tips about this in the "Talking about sex with your partner" appendix at the end of this eBook. But for the moment I would suggest that you don't say a great deal about it.

By the time you get to the end of the course you should have all the skills you need, and more importantly a good understanding of what you need to do, to get more sex, so there should be no need to mention anything about it.

A quick pat on the back before we begin

As cheesy as this sounds you should congratulate yourself right now - you've taken a really good couple of steps here - there are literally millions of people out there who are in exactly the same place as you right now – and they are all too busy sweeping things under the carpet in their relationships to acknowledge that there's an issue. Either that or they simply don't care about their passionless relationships to be taking this course. Instead, they'll likely be focusing on their partner's angry behaviour and feeling more than justified for the lack of sex in their lives.

Right now, simply by having purchased this course and got to the end of day 1 you are way ahead of the rest of the pack. So well done!

****

Summarizing Day 1

First off then – lets acknowledge that it's possible that you probably won't have started to get to the sort of information that you are after quite yet. But today has all been about getting you into the right place for the rest of the content. We've had a look at...

  1. How the course works.

  2. How long the course is going to take to 'work' for you.

  3. What it's going to take, for you personally, to succeed in achieving your goals.

  4. We've looked at you setting yourself some goals of what you'd like to achieve, and in creating a plan to stick to.

  5. And also at why it might be an idea to quit trying to get sex for a while.

  6. I've suggested that it might not be such a good idea to believe anything that you read in this course, because simply believing anything that you've read isn't going to be the thing that gets you more sex, actually going out and practising what you are learning is going to be the thing that does.

  7. We've looked at the assumptions that the course makes about you.

  8. And finally, we've looked at whether or not it's a good idea to tell your partner that you are undertaking this course.

Day 1 Exercise's

Normally at this point in the day's proceedings you'll be given your daily exercises to read, think about and to go off and do. Today though all I'd like you to do please is to mull round in your head what you've read today. You don't have to go back and read everything again, hopefully the important points from what you've just read have already stuck in your head – so just re-reading and thinking about the summary above is enough. Doing this today will set you off in good stead for the start of the course tomorrow.

****

Introducing Day 2, Week 1

Welcome to Day 2. Firstly, I'm sorry, but these next two days are going to be mighty dull, but I promise you that they'll be worth the effort. There's going to be a whole load of stuff that I'm going to tell you to stop doing, and it's going to feel a little bit like being shelled by a load of anti-tank missiles for a while. So bear with it, keep reading, don't be naughty and skip a load of stuff because you think you're Mr. Perfect and it doesn't apply to you, because all of these things you've got to stop doing are the ground rules for you getting more sex. So if you are doing any of these, even slightly, then you can't go anywhere until you've got them done and dusted.

So why are you being asked to stop a load of stuff? How on earth is being told to stop stuff going to start getting you more sex? Well, when I explain why you've got to stop each of these you'll understand. I'll give a reason for why each is there, but in summary you'll be asked to stop doing stuff that will more than likely be putting your partner off of sex with you.

Keep your mind open

I'd ask you to read this list with an open mind, because some of the "have to stops" are going to sound like they are in no way related to you getting more sex. I'll give a title for each and then explain it in more detail, so if you really think you're doing okay on that one after a sentence or two AND you've been really honest with yourself \- then okay, you can move on to the next, but please do check each one out, they're all important for you getting more sex, and hopefully you'll be able to understand why each is important to you getting more sex from each description.

It's going to be harder for some than others

For some readers these 'have to stop it now's' may mean making some really big changes. Lots of "leopard changing its spots" stuff, but whilst you are going through these things you're being told to stop remember this: in return for you being a good boy and stopping doing a whole load of bad stuff, your partner will do a whole load of good stuff for you. Do I need to spell it out? Okay - if you stop doing the stuff that your partner is more than likely finding rather unpleasant and annoying then she will more than likely start to consider opening the door to more frequent sex with you. But, as I explained yesterday that's going to take hard work and honesty on your part.

Before we begin then - all of these stop it now's are in there for your own good - if you are doing any of these things then I'd highly recommend that you stop them as soon as you've read them - because if you are doing any / some /all of these things then your partners desire for you will more than likely not be that high.

I'm hoping that some of these things will be really enlightening for you - because it's quite possible that you will be quite unaware of problems in your relationship. Why? Well, your partner may be supressing a load of anger and resentment towards you which, in itself (because she's supressing it) will quash her desire for you. So please have a really good check in with yourself - if you recognise any of the following 'stop it now's' then that thing may not be helping you get more sex at all - so you will just need to stop it.

To put it another way - it is rare for couples to have a good sex life if they don't have a good relationship - so all of these tips are "relationship sorters". So whilst you...

  1. May wonder what on earth some of them have to do with getting more sex and...

  2. more than likely you'll brush them off and...

  3. won't want to bothered with them and...

  4. you may well want to skip ahead

DON'T \- because sorting these things will get you to the point where you start things going in the right direction of getting more sex.

Okay then, here we go. Let's start with the biggies on the "have to stop" list.

Quit the pursuit

The first and one of the more important things that you need to stop doing is you "pursuing" your partner to be more sexual with you. It's more than likely that if you are persistently "pursuing" your partner for sex then you are going to be repeatedly getting turned down by your partner. So what do I mean by pursuing? Well, if you recognise any of the following stuff then you can probably give yourself the "pursuer" label...

  * A peck on the cheek to say goodbye on a morning turns into an opportunity to try and stick your tongue down your partner's throat.

  * A hug goodnight or goodbye turns into a dry thrusting, groping or genital rubbing extravaganza.

  * A normal catch up chat with your partner turns into an innuendo filled conversation on your part.

  * You're passing in the hallway and touching your partner intimately.

  * You're engaging in some totally unsubtle rubbing of your partner's thigh.

  * You're jumping into bed on a night naked, clambering onto your partner and expecting her to be turned on and ready.

  * When your partner is trying to get off to sleep you touch her intimately, subtly or otherwise.

  * You're doing what seems to you like a really sensible thing and trying to talk with your partner about the lack of sex that you are both having and your unhappiness with your sexual relationship. (Though it's well worth pointing our here that talking about sex can be a really good thing too, but it needs to be done in the right way. We'll get to that in the days to come though.)

If you've bought this course then I'm going to take a guess that there's a fairly high probability that you've recognised some of what you've been doing in the above bullet points. Now I feel like I'm probably just going to state the obvious here – but guess what – this isn't helping.

So why isn't it helping you get more sex **?**

  1. Well, firstly it's more than likely to be totally and utterly putting your partner off sex with you - probably quite the reverse of what you were going for.

  2. It will more than likely be causing your partner to slam the door shut on any closeness with you whatsoever, physical or otherwise, because she will worry that whatever she does, be it just wanting to give you a cuddle or to have a snuggle up on the sofa with you, that you'll mistake this for her wanting sex, so instead she'll just close down so as not to get into the situation. It's a vicious circle that has to be broken please.

  3. The regular rejections from your partner will more than likely be making you even more determined to keep pursuing your partner for more sex, ie the more she stops being interested in sex, the more you think about it and the more frequent and desperate your pursuing gets.

  4. You whining on about the fact that you didn't get sex last night is not going to endear you to your partner and it's not a good seduction strategy.

Now I get this behaviour entirely, I've been there, done that, got the T-Shirt. It's totally understandable and perfectly normal. However - it's a mild form of obsession (ie your obsession with getting sex from your partner) and if you want more sex then you need to be tough with yourself, break the cycle and stop doing those things. Because what I need you to understand before you move on is that this behaviour simply isn't going to magically turn your partner on - instead it's going to have quite the reverse effect of what you were probably going for - its going to totally put her off and all you are doing with this old behaviour is ploughing full steam ahead and keeping going with what hasn't worked before.

So in summary:

  * Your previous strategy (let's also call it "attempts") to get more sex might actually be one of the reasons why you aren't getting as much sex as you'd like.

  * You might not be able to see how this strategy has affected your partner - try and look at what you are doing from your partners perspective - women are very different from men, you're probably turned on by the slightest thing, but for your partner its going to take more than a grope in the hallway, sorry!

  * Think before your act - ask yourself:

    * "Is what I'm about to do just going to annoy my partner and push her away from me?"

    * "Is what I'm about to do - me doing exactly the same as I've tried 100 times before and it's still getting me the same rubbishy results?"

Stop being angry

Ground rule number two - if you are an "angry" person then please know right now that this is going to massively dampen your partners desire for you.

So, what might "anger" be? How do you recognise if your partner could be considering you as "angry"? Watch for the following...

  * You could be angry with your partner about your lack of regular sex.

  * You could have anger about a load of other stuff going on in your life that you don't have any control over; your job, children, current financial circumstances, family, etc.

  * Your partner might find herself frequently rehashing, either in her mind or out loud, your past actions that have hurt her.

  * Your partner try's to address troublesome issues with you (but she finds that you are just shutting her out).

  * You are unsupportive of your partners feelings.

  * You are controlling or critical much of the time, and this is angering your partner.

Anger, resentment, disappointment, hurt, or betrayal will only dampen your partner's desire for you. Take a good hard look at yourself please - and ask yourself if your past actions are potentially disappointing your partner. Your anger is not going to make your partner feel emotionally "safe", and emotional safety is one more tick in the box on the road to you getting more sex. There's more on emotional safety when we get to some of the stuff that you've got to start doing. Remember too that it's also quite possible that she may well be keeping these feelings to herself, so just because she doesn't appear to be showing any concerns on the surface, underneath it may be a different matter.

You could start by asking yourself what the real reasons are behind your anger? Is it really that bad? Most things, apart from perhaps serious illness, are sortable. There's entire books on how to be less angry, so if this is you then I'm not going to try to get into the phycology of why you may be this way, this course isn't the place for that - if you think you need some help with anger management start by doing a simple online search, grab a book on the subject or seek professional help. What I wanted to get across here was the fact that you need to ensure that at the very least your partner doesn't see or feel this anger, whether that is you finding ways to stop being so angry or you doing a way better job at hiding your anger you will find that it is well worth it to you to get sorted out.

Stop arguing

That's right, I'm telling you to stop arguing with your partner. What on earth is the point in arguing with her? Where is it going to get you? If mid-argument you suddenly found out that the world was about to end in five minutes would you still keep arguing? In the grand scheme of things does the issue that you are arguing about actually matter?

Stopping arguing altogether is a simple and a rather obvious way to help you get more sex. If you both argue a lot it will only dampen your partner's desire for sex with you even further.

So, starting from today when you are talking with your partner I want you to do the following please:

  * Never use fists, under any circumstance, instead - use words. And don't ever...

    * Try and point score.

    * Use putdowns.

    * Make critical comments.

    * Use sarcasm or humiliation.

  * Never tell your partner that she is wrong. This may be tricky for you, but I don't care - nobody likes to be told this, especially your beloved, it just won't help, it will only annoy your partner and make her more likely to keep arguing with you. And I think I can say with some certainty that following an argument where you've annoyed your partner you won't be getting any sex.

  * Don't criticize your partner, condemn her or complain to her. Now these are biggies, I admit. We'll revisit not complaining again, but for the moment please take this very well researched advise - that criticizing, condemning, whining, whinging and complaining to your partner is, strangely enough!, not going to immediately endear your partner towards you and have her wanting sex with you right now! They are deeply unattractive things.

  * Avoid yelling, blaming, name-calling, exaggerating and discounting the way your partner feels - especially in front of children if you have any.

  * Stop thinking about your marriage / partnership as two people in opposition - think about it as "a team of two, trying to work together to achieve common goals", ie love, happiness and a safe, calm loving environment to bring up children. You are both on the same side and you both want the same things, ie a great relationship and great sex (and yes, your partner does actually want to have sex with you – but we'll get to that in later sections).

  * Remember that you did not purposefully get into a relationship together simply to fight each other.

  * Instead of arguing – do something totally different, such as finding a shared interest with your partner - share a hobby for example.

  * Be a calming, steadying influence in your partners life - don't be another source of aggravation to her - be a balanced person for her and not another one of her problems.

If you feel that you need more help in this area then worry not, we'll come back to this topic again later on in course, so for the moment please try and change your thinking on what arguing is (or should we say isn't) doing for your sex life.

Change your mindset, it's not all her "fault"

Point number four will require a little mind bending from you please as well as some open thinking - because this is an important one - and it is this very simple point - it is not your partner's fault that you are not getting as much sex as you'd like. She is not completely responsible for the lack of sex that you are getting and you should not blame your partner for this, it is absolutely totally and utterly equally your responsibility to do something about it. Accept this fact, go mull that round in your head for a bit please, and then change your thinking and actually go do something about it rather than just moaning on about it. Simple as that, nothing more needs to be said.

Don't put your partner down

This is the first time you'll hear the "T" word, and it's an important one to keep in mind throughout this process – "Trust" - you'll hear a lot about trust, and how your partner needs to be able to trust you. It's a fundamental thing that you need to get right if you are committed to this process and you want more sex. In this particular point, you, putting your partner down, especially when you are talking about sex, is going to be really damaging to her and to your relationship and will more than likely affect her level of trust in the relationship. It is absolutely true that women really are from Venus and men are from Mars! There are differences between the two of you that you just need to accept, including ones where your partner will just get upset about stuff that you will more than likely just not be able to understand.

Don't make the mistake of trivialising what she gets upset about, don't take the mickey out of her for it and absolutely don't use any put downs. And finally - don't compare her to other lovers that you may have had in the past. Put downs such as "You've never given me a good blow job" will, strangely enough!, not help matters! Totally avoid making any comparisons to your previous partners.

Quit the jealousy

Stop being jealous. Instead trust the partner that you're with. Firstly you've really only got a good case to be jealous if you've got concrete evidence of something to be jealous about. If you are having jealous feelings then discuss these with your partner, but do so in a non-accusatory way, remembering the tips under "Stop arguing" from earlier today.

Relentless jealousy can be seriously grating for your partner - if you are a jealous partner it can make your partner feel like a caged and trapped bird, who only aches to fly away at the earliest opportunity. Tame the green-eyed monster right now. If you are concerned that your partner is going to run off with some other love god then go do something simple about it - talk with her.

Stop lying

Stop lying right now. Why? Because (and it's that "T" word again) lying kills trust and if you don't have trust in a relationship then you're not going to get a lot of sex! Don't lie and don't be dishonest, it will not help you get more sex.

Give your partner some respect

I really hope some of these are starting to be obvious now, and therefore that I don't need to witter on about why you've got to stop doing these sorts of stupid things. With that in mind here's another... if you are being disrespectful towards your partner stop that right now. Show your partner some respect. Be willing to sort problems out by talking with her instead. Disrespect will not help your case AT ALL.

Quit the reminders

This is a similar one to the first point around you pursuing your partner - so hopefully I don't need to explain any more why you need to stop it \- it's quite obvious really isn't it. Quit reminding your partner or teasing her about the fact that you aren't both getting as much sex as you want. Strangely enough - it isn't helping you get more sex!

Stop closing down after rejection

Been rejected for sex again? If you are closing down immediately the moment after you get rejected, and are turning away, saying nothing and shutting off, then you need to stop this too. It's really difficult not to, I totally agree, rejection is really, really horrible, but all you are doing with this is upsetting your partner and you'll be making things worse, which won't help your future chances of getting sex at all. You need to try really hard to understand how this will make your partner feel and instead of immediately shutting down take the time to talk with her instead. Better communication is a really positive step on the road to more and better sex.

You being okay one minute, and then the next shutting down and going totally cold, will be horrible to experience from your partners point of view. Try putting yourself in your partners shoes with this one - if you suddenly throw a whopping great barrier up around yourself that your partner can't get through and you say nothing – then it will break the trust in the relationship and does absolutely nothing to help the connection between you both. Instead try telling your partner what's going on in your head. We'll get on to the power of good communication between you both very soon, but for the moment just remember this one point - that you closing off if you've been rejected just won't help matters.

Stop setting tests up for your partner that she will only fail

So what does this mean? Well firstly it's similar to the above tip – but to explain this I'll give you an example; let's say that each night that you go to bed with your partner you cuddle in with her to go to sleep together. One night, because you want to see if she'll even notice that you aren't cuddling her, you turn the other way instead, not even touching. When you are asked if you are okay, you brush it off with a "yes I'm fine" and you stay facing the other way. Then your partner doesn't immediately cuddle in with you.

If you recognise this then I'm sure that you can probably bring your own examples to the table here as well. But in this example, to your mind your partners failed 'the test'; she didn't cuddle in with you, you didn't magically get any affection as a result, let alone any sex. Instead all you get is your partner worrying about your relationship. Hopefully from this example you'll see that this isn't a good idea and it's certainly not going to help in the process of getting you more sex.

Body image

If your partner is worried about her weight, or perhaps some other feature of her body that she is self-conscious about, and you are making negative comments about this – then (and it's a really obvious point I know) THIS IS NOT GOING TO HELP YOUR CASE!

When talking with your partner about her body image totally avoid words that you think might be hurtful to your partner or that she might take badly. Think before you speak. Definitely avoid phrases such as...

  * "There's more of you to love" or

  * "I love you just the way you are"

Instead, try concentrating on saying nice things about the bits of your partner that you do like...

  * If she dresses particularly nicely one day, tell her that you think she looks nice in what she's wearing.

  * If you like the way her hair looks – tell her – and give a reason why you think it looks nice.

  * If you think she's got a cute bum, guess what, tell her.

If you think that your partners perception of the reality of her body image is totally wrong however then sometimes she will need that little reality check jolt which tells her that she is wrong. For example, if her bum really doesn't look big or she definitely doesn't look fat then you need to tell her, nicely, that she is wrong! And just to add to the complexity that you've got to deal with – it's in the rules of life that you aren't allowed to be silent when or if she says that kind of thing, because any silence from you will only be taken as you agreeing with her.

In summary, if there's something you aren't quite so sure on about your partner's bod – then ignore those bits, and tell her the good stuff. It will boost her self-esteem and will increase the good feelings she has about her body – and this all helps you in your cause. We'll revisit this subject again when we look at the stuff you've got to start. So for the moment, just remember the things you've got to stop doing please.

Tame your inner control freak

If you are being really controlling then watch out - BIG BLOOMING WARNING HERE - in doing this you are only going to be building resentment in the relationship and resentment is one of those "run in the opposite direction from sex" things that isn't going to help.

Be a proper man - respect your partner's needs, feelings and rights to make up her own mind and to make her own decisions. If you always have to be in control, you always have to be right and you always have to do all the talking then your relationship will not have good balance, and it needs this for sex to be on the cards. If you are being controlling then it's possible that it's because you've got a load of fears that are making you this way. If this is you then lighten up and deal with your fears. One way to do this is to sit down and, honestly, think about what the worst thing is that can happen if you don't get your own way. Instead of controlling ask your partner to consider your point of view; don't just tell her what to do. Respect your partner's right to be able to make her own decisions.

Don't 'punish' your partner

If you are...

  1. Not getting what you want, ie sex, and you are withholding love and affection from your partner as a way to "punish" her for this, and then...

  2. When you do get sex you are giving love and affection...

...then stop it.

Firstly this isn't going to work as a long term strategy, secondly it's not healthy, and lastly its more than likely to do long term damage to your relationship, ie your partner might just get fed up and leave you! Stop 'playing mean' just for the hell of it - the price could be high - your partner won't be able to trust you (there's that word again) and as I've said before trust is pretty much essential to keep the very idea of sex with you in your partners head.

One last point on punishing - do not punish your current partner for things that ex-partners have done to you. This isn't fair and again, it's not going to get you anywhere.

Negative comments

Stop making negative comments about your sex life or lack of it, put simply this just won't help at all. Why? Because these comments will only be putting your partner off, enormously. You moaning to your partner that you aren't getting as much sex as you want won't make her feel bad and give you more sex (I know, amazing isn't it! What a revelation!) - nope, instead all it will do is to push her away even further. I can't be any more blunt than that. Just stop it, now.

Quit assuming that regular sex in a long term relationship is a given

Before we sum up for the day I'm going to leave you with something to think about. I need you please to stop assuming these two things:

  1. That just because you are in a long term relationship that this automatically entitles you to sex.

  2. And that, again, because you are in a long term relationship, that your partner will automatically want to have sex with you.

If you want to make any assumptions then go with this one...

_Your partner will_ _definitely_ _want to be_ _seduced_ _by you just as much as you did when you first got together._

This course will absolutely help with how you can seduce your partner, we will get to this stuff, so be patient - but for the moment you need to remember that you cannot take for granted that just because your partner is in a long term relationship with you that she will want sex with you. If I really need to spell it out - you will always need to make the effort to seduce your partner into bed with you.

Before we recap on today let's do two final things; firstly well done for getting to the end of the second day, there's been some unpleasant stuff to mull round in your head today, but remember...

  1. You are doing a good and sensible thing here – you are doing something different from what you've tried before, which presumably didn't work.

  2. And secondly, there's going to be more "stop it now's tomorrow", but after tomorrow they calm down a bit and we start to get to some of the things you've got to start doing, so keep bearing with it. I'm taking you down to build you back up again.

****

Okay, we're done with the main content for the day, on the next page we're going to look at a summary of what you've learnt today, and then you'll be set your exercises to work on for the rest of the day. I'd suggest that you print out the next two pages and carry them round with you. Why? Well for starters there are quite a few exercises and it's more than likely that you won't remember them all, so a printout would serve as a great reminder sheet for you.

****

Summarizing Day 2

Okay, let's go back over today in summary form...

  1. Quit pursuing your partner for sex - it's not an effective seduction strategy and will only annoy your partner.

  2. If you are an 'angry' person, then go work on it, it will put your partner off of you and will do nothing for your sex life.

  3. Stop arguing - you are very unlikely to get sex having just argued with your partner.

  4. The lack of sex that you are getting is not your partners 'fault' - you absolutely have some responsibility here too.

  5. Don't put your partner down, most especially about your sex life.

  6. Stop being jealous, it won't help and it's all solvable by talking with your partner.

  7. Quit with any and all lying. It breaks trust, and you need trust in your relationship in order to get more sex.

  8. Give your partner some respect if you value your relationship and your sex life.

  9. Stop all reminders that you may be giving your partner about the lack of sex that you are both having.

  10. It's hard, yes, but stop closing down if you get rejected for sex. It will not help you at all.

  11. Don't set tests for your partner to fail, it's more than likely she will fail them, and it will achieve absolutely nothing.

  12. Help your partner with any concerns that she has about her body image. Avoid negatives like the plague.

  13. Don't be a control freak, it will build resentment in your relationship, and will kill any thoughts of sex that your partner might otherwise have had.

  14. Don't "punish" your partner for not giving you sex. It's mean, it's wrong and it won't magically get you any sex, at all.

  15. You making negative comments to your partner about the lack of sex that you are having will NOT magically get you ANY sex.

  16. Quit thinking that regular sex in your relationship is a given, you do not have a right to it; it's something that you will need to work at.

Day 2 Exercise's

So, we've summed up today, and you've been given a whole load of stuff to think about. So, what I want you to do today and from here on in please is to follow these little rules...

Exercise 1

If you were doing any form of 'pursuing' of your partner for sex, then stop it dead. You know what pursuing is now, so don't do any of it, in any form, no excuses allowed.

Exercise 2

If you recognised the description of the angry person we talked about earlier - then today - start calming down. If you need to then take the time to find a book or an online resource to find out more about how you can help yourself with this issue. Calm down, take a deep breath or 10 and just chill out.

Exercise 3

The next time it looks like you and your partner might argue do something different. Don't. Just don't even get near an argument. And to make sure that you've really nipped it in the bud – don't ever tell your partner that she's "wrong", show respect for her, if you're wrong then admit it, and do so quickly, and stop with any criticism of anything, stop condemning and stop complaining and whinging on about stuff. There's a lot there to think about, but in making these changes now you will see a marked difference in your relationship.

Exercise 4

The next time you get horribly desperate for sex and you feel like blaming your partner for it - remember this – she probably does actually want sex with you – but it's not her fault that she isn't giving you the sex that you want – it is equally your responsibility to help her get into the right place. At this stage just keep yourself under control and keep reading and learning - and please be patient. We will get there, but sex is not your right, you've got to work at it.

Exercise 5

The next time you start to feel yourself being on the tip of saying nasty stuff to your partner – do something different - don't do it. Don't let any words out of your mouth that will be seen by your partner as putting her down, and most especially about the quality of sex that you may or may not occasionally be getting.

Exercise 6

Likewise with jealousy – the next time you feel any kind of jealous feelings creeping in – stamp on them, tell them, in your head, to go away – shout out loud in your head to them to go take a long walk off of a short pier.

Exercise 7

And again with lying – if you are starting to feel the need to lie then go and take 5 minutes out to work out in your head why. Politely excuse yourself, preferably with a good reason, like you need to go to the loo, or "oops, I just forgot to do something...", and whilst you are away think about what you are about to do. Is the lie the right thing to do? What would be the harm in telling your partner the truth. Keep in your mind that trust thing. It's really, really important.

Exercise 8

At this stage in the course I'd highly recommend that you don't even try getting any sex with your partner. Leave it be and come back when you know more, when you've been properly armed with the tools, tips and processes that you need to get some. But if you are still trying, out of sheer desperation or whatever, then if your partner rejects you for sex – do something totally different, try and understand why your partner doesn't want to have sex there and then, put yourself in her shoes, cuddle her instead (no groping though please) and don't, whatever you do, close down.

Exercise 9

From here on in if your partner starts talking negatively to you about her bod think about what you are going to say before you speak. Do not fuel her concerns. Revisit this section of the course if you need some reminders. No saying the wrong thing, don't be silent about it if she's asking you a question about her bod or making a negative comment about herself, and no body language that gives away how you are thinking either, ie that raised eyebrow when she eyes the pudding menu.

Exercise 10

If you consider yourself to be a control freak then the very next time you feel that tension building up, where you want to get your own way, stop and think about it. Do you really, really need it done your way? Does it really matter? Is it really worth it for the damage that it's going to cause your partner and the lack of sex that you are going to get as a result? Keep a check on it from here on in.

Exercise 11

I'll say it again, but I'd recommend that you don't try and get any sex at the moment. If you are still trying though, and you get rejected by your partner then - from today onwards do not do anything that could be seen as punishing her for that rejection. Don't withhold cuddles and kisses and all that good love and affection stuff that she needs. Quit closing down. It will not help you next time you want sex.

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Introducing Day 3, Week 1

Welcome to day 3. Just so that you are totally aware before we begin, today is all about telling you more stuff that I recommend that you stop doing. It's more groundwork stuff, and at the moment is just breaking you down still, to build you back up later. I'm afraid that we've got to make sure that we've banished the negative stuff before we can get to the positive stuff. Tomorrow is more of the same as well too, but we'll get all the really bad ones done today, so at least tomorrow you know that you may get to feel a bit lighter. Before I start bashing you about again though let's revisit yesterday to see how you did.

Summarizing what we learnt yesterday

Now, in a moment I'll ask you lots of questions about how you got on yesterday. When I ask you the questions though I'd like you to pause for a second to think about your answer – and be honest with yourself. Whatever you do – you can't let this stuff go in one of your ears and out of the other quicker than you can say 'gibberteyflibert'. Nope, you've got to keep doing this stuff, every day, without fail, you've got to make all of these things you're being told to do or to stop doing your mission, and you've got to not stop until you're doing all of these things the whole time, no excuses. There's a lot to remember, I'll give you that, but that's why there's quite a bit of repetition, it's just a good way to ensure that it enters your head. Sooner or later though it should all come to you perfectly naturally, and you'll just do these things without thinking. Let's quit waffling and get looking at how you've got on.

  * So, did you go near any arguments with your partner yesterday? If you did were you able to stop yourself from arguing? If you did then that's excellent. If you couldn't stop yourself then try starting! And remember that you shouldn't be telling your partner that she's wrong, show her some respect.

  * If you were wrong about something did you admit it? If so well done. But did you do so quickly?

  * And how did you get on with criticism? Hopefully you didn't do any criticizing of anything, you didn't condemn anyone and you haven't been a whingey old complainer.

  * How has your anger management gone? Were you calmer yesterday?

  * Were you pleasant to your partner yesterday? Did you say anything nasty? Did you put your partner down at all? And did you manage to keep negative stuff about sex out of the conversation? If not okay, just work on it again today please.

  * How did you get on remembering that this getting more sex lark is going to take work? And did you remember that sex in your relationship isn't just a given, that it isn't your natural right?

  * How is your jealousy doing? If indeed you are a jealous person. Did you manage to keep any jealous feelings under control?

  * Did your partner talk with you about her body yesterday? If so was she negative about it? Did she criticize her body? What did you do? What did you say? Hopefully you didn't fuel her concerns by making negative comments?

  * Did you try to get any sex yesterday? I'm kind of hoping that you are taking my advice and are just leaving it be for the moment, but if you did try and you got rejected how did you do afterwards? Were you okay with your partner about it? Were you just normal you afterwards about it? No closing down and no punishing remember.

  * And did the opportunity for lying come up yesterday? If it did were you able to nip it in the bud before you spun more lies?

  * How did you get on taming the inner control freak? Did he try and come to the surface? If so how did you do? Did you remember to think to yourself "does it really, really need to be done my way? Does it really matter?"

  * And finally – did you try and 'pursue' your partner for sex? I'm hoping not. It's too early at the moment if you did. Please consider taking the suggestion that you just don't try and get any at the moment.

Phew. Okay, let's get on with today's topics...

Women are different from men **!**

First up – please know that not all affection and attention that your partner shows to you, ie if she's cuddling up with you in bed on a morning, will mean that she wants sex with you, if you are taking each of these interactions as "my partner wants a cuddle this must mean that she wants sex" then stop it - because if you keep trying to initiate sex each time she cuddles in, for example, then all you are going to condition her to do is to stop cuddling in with you, because she knows that it will only mean one thing - that you'll try and initiate sex. All she may want is some physical affection with you, not full sex! She is going to feel emotionally violated if you only touch her when you want sex. If you are doing this and you are getting rejected more often than not, then this is clearly a strategy that isn't working!

Change your thinking on what your partner wanting affection is – ie it's just part of the flirting process and it all helps to get you closer to what you're aiming for. There's a danger that by putting her off all physical affection with you it may mean that you'll lose that vital ability to connect in that way. We'll get to how important connecting is in later days.

Can I suggest that you try this instead...

  * For once cuddle or kiss for no reason and without it having to lead to sex, start touching, get tactile

  * Give her a massage without it leading to sex for once, let her know that you'd just like to have some contact with her, perhaps even let her know that you won't try it on

  * Give your partner affection and touch just for the sake of staying in contact, that's regular, day to day touching, not just when you want to get her into bed, start touching more often, build it up slowly, kiss her more often, hold her hand more often

  * Don't always try and take it that one step further, don't always try to initiate sex immediately afterwards, mix it up a bit. If this is frustrating then bear with it, know that things will improve

Your goal here is to get your partner out of this conditioning, out of the downward spiral. Instead of her thinking "oh no, he's trying to have sex with me again" when you touch her you are looking to retrain her head to think "oh yummy, that feels nice" instead. The more that you stay in contact with your partner in a non-sexual way, ie through normal touching contact, the more that she will be receptive to you when you want to be in contact with her in a sexual way.

An affair is not the answer, be faithful and trustworthy

If you are so dissatisfied with your sexual relationship that you are thinking about leaving your partner and / or having an affair then stop thinking that way right now. With a little bit of commitment and hard work something can be done about the situation. Make a conscious decision to do something about it instead, you've taken a great first step by simply buying this course and making a start on it. An affair or divorce is definitely the worst solution to the current issues that you may be facing. Think twice before throwing it all away and especially if you have children. An affair may sort some of your own short term problems, ie it may well get you a whole load of really great sex, but it will only bring long term problems.

From here on in this course makes the assumption that you are an honest and trustworthy individual and that you are being faithful to your partner. If you aren't, then I'll hazard a guess that you are pretty unlikely to be navigating your way through this course anyway. But if you are being unfaithful then you need to sort this out, work out what you want and quickly. I really don't think I need to tell you why again, but just incase you are really, REALLY stupid I'll waste 10 seconds of the sensible reader's lives and tell you:

  1. This is not going to help you get more sex with your partner.

  2. Affairs tend to be instant relationship killers (said really sarcastically).

  3. If you pass an STI on to your partner, then that's really going to seal the deal, and guess what – it isn't nice or fair either.

Keep going with this course, work hard on getting to where you want to be and things will improve. Have a slap in the face, you are very stupid, then go sort it. And now, let's move on.

Watch the office flirting

Likewise - watch your office flirting – don't let it go one step too far - this may sound over the top and very, very obvious – but you really need to ensure that you observe a "look but don't touch rule" and that you stick with it. Fair enough, that girl at work may make you feel younger, brighter, funnier and sexier, especially when goings on at home make you feel bored, taken for granted, or pushed out - but there's a danger that by doing this at work that you tip the balance too far the wrong way and the passion and sparkle that once existed at home simply starts to trickle away. Instead:

  * Build your self-esteem: blokes will often have an affair just to feel better about themselves. Short term this will feel great and the sex may be mind blowing, that I grant you, but long term this is really not a good strategy. It's a painful, expensive horrible strategy, especially if you have children.

  * Face issues when they occur: instead of using office flirting and an affair as a way of avoiding problems at home - deal with them - talk with your partner, put your energies into planning a riotous affair with your partner instead, use the "flirting with your partner" tips later on in the course to channel your flirting into your beloved instead, meet her in a bar after work, use a different name with each other, pretend that you've just met, send each other saucy texts or e-mails at work.

Egotistical maniac

Quit being an egotistical maniac - it's quite simply not attractive to a woman. If you are one of these you'll know. If you aren't then forget this one and move on, you're ok.

Answer the question

If there is something that is concerning your partner, or if she's asking you a direct question, ie "shall we invite (insert name of close friends) over for dinner on Friday or Saturday?", then you need to stop what you've possibly been doing for a jolly long time and just shrugging and say "whatever" (or words to that effect). These sorts of words exiting your partners mouth are clearly a question that she wants a proper response to. Start realising please that if it's important to your partner then you need to give it some of your time, in other words I want you to start showing respect for your partner's needs. Please believe me when I tell you that if you don't then this isn't going to help you magically turn your partner into a sex crazed lunatic who wants to leap on you as soon as the kids have gone to bed.

Likewise if you are constantly getting the "are you okay?", "is something wrong?", "what's the matter?" type questions - then you need to know two things:

  1. Stop thinking that your partner can read your mind and know exactly what you are thinking, sometimes you need to open up and be, tactfully, honest with your partner.

  2. Secondly - go careful with your response to your partner – think before you blurt out the first answer that arrives in your head (which is probably something like "aaaahhhhhh, leave me alone"). Why? Well, your partner could easily take what you say totally the wrong way. All that your partner is looking for is some kind of reassurance that you are alright.

Women are totally different from men (I do know that you really don't need me to tell you that, so bear with me), so if you don't answer it properly and just brush it off then you may find that your partner takes it totally the wrong way and thinks that you want out of the relationship (there's a whole load of mad complicated reasons in here as to why, but I'm quite sure you will probably just want the facts and won't want to be bored with the science). Instead be open and honest, if you don't want to talk about it right there and then then just say that (do it nicely though, for goodness sake), ie , if it's just that you want 5 minutes on your own or if you've got a stomper headache or works been rubbish that day. If you don't give your partner an answer that she will be satisfied with, ie a plausible one that is said nicely and calmly, then your partner will more than likely immediately have concern about your relationship and she will rapidly go into a downward spiral until you snap her out of it by explaining what's going on with you. And again, and I'm not going to apologise for keeping on coming back to the subject of the course – this isn't going to help you get more sex. In summary - keep talking, answer her honestly and keep the romantic connection going. This strategy will pay off in the long term.

Does my bum look big in this **?**

I'm fairly sure that at some time or another your partner may have asked you questions like: "does my bum look big in this?", "do you think my hair looks ok?" or "shall I cut my hair?". If you get questions like this then you only need to remember one thing; stop and think about what you are going to say before you say it. Why? Because questions like these are important to your partner and its going to be very easy to upset your partner with an ill thought out comment.

There are lots of possible answers to lots of different types of question, we can't possibly list all possible nice alternatives here, so instead remember these golden rules:

  1. Your response needs to be nice and it needs to be diplomatic.

  2. You cannot just brush the question off with a "no dear", or a "yes dear", you have to be giving a decent response.

  3. Think how your partner may react to what you are about to say before you say it, but don't hesitate too long before you say it, that can be taken the wrong way (I did warn you that this stuff wasn't going to be easy!).

It's that time of the month

If you are asking your partner the "are you having a period?", "is this your time of the month?", "are you PMS'ing?" type questions, and (even worse) you're asking the question in an accusatory way, then, again, and I'm quite sure that I really don't need to tell you this - but it really won't help your cause! Instead, stop, and simply don't ask that type of dumb ass question. Why?:

  1. To help you get to where you want to be you need to try and be sympathetic to something that you just won't ever be able to understand because it will never happen to you (and be glad of that fact please).

  2. Having a period will be something that your partner has to go through that will range from either mildly inconvenient, right through to totally debilitating. So give your partner compassion and space when she is having her period. Tread carefully, be sensitive and keep a smile on your face.

  3. Its only once a month.

Don't be a doormat

Do I really need to define for you what a doormat is? Ok then, in summary you are a doormat if you are an insecure twerp who gets walked all over by everyone, including your partner. If it's just that you are purposefully trying to avoid conflict with your partner and are therefore letting your partner make all the decisions (which by the way can come across as her being really controlling), then make sure that you've got a healthy balance in the relationship, don't get walked all over. Your partner may also be really fed up with the fact that you just say "yes whatever dear" to everything that she suggests. Guess what I'm going say.... this will more than likely turn your partner off of you and will be a totally unattractive quality to her. Quit being insecure, it's only a state of mind, you can switch it off, or just fake it till you make it – find a happy balance, and quit being Mr. Doormat, stand up for yourself.

Control and manipulation

Are you concerned that your partner seems to be nagging you a lot, and trying to control and manipulate you and / or particular situations? I'd like you to take a step back from these each time they occur please. Think about what your partner is asking or requesting of you from her point of view. It's the general nature of women to want to make things better - so try and put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself why it is that she is doing what it is that she is doing. Is her behaviour actually something loving that she wants to do for you both? Is she only trying to create a good situation, a good place for you both to live or a good environment? If you truly put yourself in her shoes it may help you to understand why she appears to be coming across as controlling and manipulating. Once you are in her shoes ask yourself what her true intentions might be in what she's asking. Instead of seeing her as controlling and manipulating you may see her as caring and enthusiastic instead.

Think about your behaviour

Likewise men do their own form of nagging, also called controlling, so at the same time as you are thinking over the above points I'd like to go have a think about your own behaviour as well please. If you are doing anything that could be considered as trying to control your partner then be jolly careful about what you are doing as it will more than likely be putting your partner off, and that's off of you, sex won't even come into the equation.

Quit the attempts to "conquer" your partner, and instead respect and love her. To get more sex you need to be making your partner feel good about herself, not making her feel inferior, quit putting her down. Take a few moments to mull the following round in your head please:

  * Do you always have to be in control?

  * Do you always have to be right?

  * Do you always have to do all of the talking?

Resentment

Resentment can go both ways, your resentment for something that your partner is doing, or her resentment towards you for something that you are doing. A quick ten seconds on what resentment is incase you need an explanation of the word; its defined as "the experience of a negative emotion (anger, spite, bitterness or hatred, for example) felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done." That's quite a mouthful but hopefully you get the drift.

Now, you can follow all of these tips to the letter but if your partner has any resentment towards you, or indeed if she picks up on any resentment that you may have towards her, then it's not going to be quite as simple to get your partner into the right place for sex, the resentments will overrule a lot of the stuff that you do. If you're not both openly voicing your concerns then its going to come out in the tone of your voice, how you speak to and how you act with your partner, etc.

What to do? Okay, well - if you are resenting your partner for something then the only sensible thing to do is to talk with your partner about the issue and to clear the air. I'd suggest reading the "General tips for when talking to your partner about sex" section in the "Talking about sex with your partner" appendix for tips on how to approach such a conversation. This will help you to communicate in a nice, pleasant way that isn't going to make things worse. When you are talking with her aim to be making a plan with your partner on how to reduce the issue. Let's look at some examples...

  * You might be concerned about your partners spending habits – you think she might be going out and spending too much money on clothes at the weekend. If this is the case then you need to explain your concerns to her and agree a plan on how you can reach an agreement that you are both happy with.

  * Or perhaps you resent your partner because you think that she is really controlling? If so then you need to talk this through with her to understand what the underlying issue could be.

  * Perhaps you disagree about some element of bringing up your children? Maybe your partner isn't backing up a rule that you are trying to implement or vice versa? You've just got talk this kind of thing through.

Likewise if it's possible that your partner resents you for something then you need to take a good look at the possible issues that may be upsetting your partner. You should be able to pick up on what any issues may be fairly easily, if you can't then go take a look at the communication between you both, if the communication in your relationship is good then your partner will more than likely be happy to voice any concerns she may have. It could be as simple as asking your partner if there is anything that she'd like to change about you, this is a difficult question to ask, and some difficult stuff could come out, I grant you, but it's not an offensive question and its nice and direct, so any answers should get you straight to the root of any underlying issues, so you can work on them.

Below is a speedy summary of some good communication tips for you both:

  * Start by becoming a better listener. We'll get to that in later days.

  * When your partner is sharing an opinion, a belief or a feeling, then it is her feeling and she is entitled to it. Don't put that opinion down.

  * Being a successful couple is not a win-lose game where one person has to give in. Being in a successful relationship means that neither of you is completely right, nor completely wrong.

  * Put into words how a behaviour that your partner has towards you is causing you a problem, explain how it is creating a problem for you and request, nicely, that your partner do something to change the situation.

Don't keep stuff from her

Don't keep stuff from your partner, where's the fear in telling her everything (to a degree! - I'm talking about the emotional hopes, fears, dreams, ups and downs stuff here, not the inner depraved content of your filthy mind). If you keep stuff from your partner it will make her feel disconnected and will feel to her like you are closing down on her \- which really won't help in getting you more sex.

Who to put first?

Watch out that you aren't putting your children before your relationship with your partner. It would be madness to risk a happy and healthy relationship with your partner for the sake of being politically correct, or giving into your guilt and spending a whole load of time with your children. Your partner needs your time too, and by spending time with your partner and keeping your relationship happy, healthy and above all together, then you are doing something good for your children anyway.

If you are looking to find more time with your partner and you've got young children then start by examining what time they go to bed on a night? Get some advice on what's normal for your children's ages, or check with other parents to ask what time they send their children to bed. If they are going to bed quite late then perhaps there's room to get them up to bed earlier, even if they are just playing on their own or reading books quietly in their rooms. Make sure that they know that "Mummy and Daddy aren't to be disturbed unless there's an emergency". You may even need to define what an emergency is for them. Let's suppose that your children get up at 7am, and they don't go up to bed until 9pm, and that you and your partner go to bed at 10pm, that's 14 hours that your children have of your time, and just 1 hour that your partner has just the two of you. Now I think I can fairly safely say that if your partner has had children constantly at her feet all day then it's going to be pretty tricky to get her into the right place for sex in that one final hour of the day.

A final note on this subject before we move on, and I'll apologise now if this seems really, really obvious, but if you've got children and they sleep in your bed a lot then you and your partner need to start work on a plan to get them out of your bed sooner rather than later, I am sure that you don't need me to tell you that there's not going to be a huge amount of spontaneity between you both otherwise!

Are you in the mood **?**

As you will learn when we get to the section on what you need to do each time you want sex, you getting more has a lot to do with how you approach the process. So with that in mind please stop asking your partner if she is "in the mood?", this is not an effective seduction strategy, and is only your feeble attempt to shortcut the required process, sorry chaps! In life in general there are few shortcuts to any place worth going, and that includes sex (unless you happen to be stupidly rich and single, or stupidly famous and single, or in what is popularly termed the "honeymoon phase" of your relationship). Instead you need to do the hard work, ie the required work to get her in the mood.

We will absolutely get to specifics – but here I only want to introduce a really important concept... if you seduce your partners mind then the rest, ie actual sex, will follow afterwards. One key difference to understand between men and women is that you are most effectively stimulated visually, ie through watching porn, but your partner will be most effectively stimulated through her imagination, hence why you need to seduce your partners mind. We'll get to how you can do that later, and also to clever things, like checklists that you can easily follow to give you the best chance of ensuring that your partner is in the mood before you try and initiate sex. So, for the moment if all you remember on this point is: mind in the right place first, body second, then you'll have done well!

Why do you need to seduce your partners mind? Think of it as "mental foreplay" - and as we all (hopefully) know, foreplay is absolutely the right way to get your partner revved up to a place where she actually wants to have sex with you.

Now I don't want to start wittering on about biological stuff very often, realistically it's only likely to go in one ear and out the other very quickly and I doubt that you'll actually give too much of a stuff, but I think this is an important one to tell you, and it's this.... Oxytocin, womankind needs lots of this stuff in order to get aroused enough to be in the right place to have sex.

So what is oxytocin? The first thing you need to know is that it's a hormone, and the second, and more important thing, is that your partners oxytocin level needs to be increased from their normal levels in order for her body to tell her that she's aroused. Okay, so hopefully from that you've got that: more oxytocin = turned on partner. So the next question you'll want to know is how you, clever little you, are going to increase those oxytocin levels...

Well, the production of oxytocin is linked to the emotions, ie the more of an emotional connection that your partner has with you the higher her oxytocin levels will go. If you take nothing else from this then try and remember that it's not your partners fault that she isn't always in the mood to have sex with you. It's a biological need that your partner has to have an emotional connection with you in order to get the oxytocin levels to the right place so that her head tells her body that she wants to have sex. One more point on this and we'll move on, because it may all be getting a little confusing now - and it's one that is only important to remember if you care about your partners pleasure (which by the way you should if you want more sex) and it's this - the female bod also needs lots of oxytocin in order to have an orgasm. Biology lesson over. Well done. Let's move on.

Just had a baby? Ah, that's nice

If you and your partner have just had a baby then I'm fairly sure that you don't need me to tell you that no matter what you do sex isn't going to be that high a priority on your partners to do list at the moment. I'm really hoping that you're being sensible and that you'll be sympathetic and understanding. Your partner is going to be very tired, not to mention rather busy, for a while, and therefore the last thing on her mind is going to be sex.

If you want more information over and above this then go take a look in the "Causes of low sexual desire" subject on the website. One quick point on this topic and we'll move on – it would be really, really advisable that if you are pestering her for sex then that really needs to stop, don't pressure her, as quite obviously she really won't want it just yet! Hang on in there and then when you see signs that things are improving, that she's got more time for you both and she's less tired - then start using this course to help you understand how you can get into a position where restarting your sex life is a possibility.

Don't take it personally

If you are getting rejected for sex a lot, and your partner comes out with a stream of reasons why she's not in the right place to have sex with you right now, then you'll know that that's high up there on life's list of rubbish things to get rejected for. You may well feel punished and unloved if your partner is what you might see as denying you sex, but you've got to stop thinking that way if you want to move on - instead of spending the time worrying about it or feeling annoyed about it, spend that time productively on doing something about it \- and changing what you do to get your partner into bed.

The point I'd like to make here is that you should try not to take any of the reasons that your partner is giving you for her low sexual desire personally. It's potentially very likely that she may not understand herself why she has low sexual desire, and it's also more than likely that it's got absolutely nothing to do with you. Keep reading this course, stick with it, and you will start to understand how you can help her and how you can do things differently so that the rejection stops and the fun starts.

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We're done for the main course content for the day, so in a second we'll summarise what you've learnt today and you'll be set your exercises to work on. Don't forget that it's a great idea to print out the next couple of pages so that you can carry them round with you for the day to act as a memory jogger.

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Summarizing Day 3

Before we move on to today's exercises let's have a summary of what we've looked at today...

  1. Just because your partner show's you affection - it doesn't mean that she immediately wants sex with you. Stop trying to initiate sex at the slightest show of affection. Start giving and returning affection just for the sake of it instead.

  2. Remember that an affair is not the answer to your lack of sex problem. Okay, a little bit of flirting here and there is acceptable, but please mull round in your head today the thought that having an affair can be incredibly damaging, especially if you have children. Try and observe the 'look but don't touch' rule.

  3. Being an egotistical maniac is not attractive.

  4. Answer your partner's questions. Give her proper answers, not just "whatever", or "I don't know". And don't brush off those "are you okay?" questions. Your partner cannot read your mind and answering properly shows her some respect, and you need this respect in your relationship in order to get more sex.

  5. Remember that asking your partner derogatory questions about her period will not help what is otherwise a really unpleasant time of the month for her.

  6. Quit being a doormat. Don't get walked all over by everyone, including your partner. Banish your insecurities and find a happy balance.

  7. Is your partner really a controlling, manipulating old whingebag? Could it perhaps be that she is trying to create a loving home and relationship for you both instead?

  8. Likewise you can't be a manipulating, controlling old whingebag yourself too. You've got to keep this in check. You don't always have to be in control, and you certainly don't always have to be right, especially if you want more sex.

  9. Resentment can go both ways, it's difficult to hide and it can kill sex in a relationship. If there is something that you resent your partner for then you need to have a conversation with her about it. Likewise if you think there is something that your partner might resent you for, then firstly keep a check on it and then do something about it, and if that fails and the resentment is still there then you need to talk about it with your partner. It's all about the communication.

  10. Quit keeping stuff from your partner.

  11. Who are you putting first? Your children, or your partner? One very important concept that we'll get to in later days is the time thing - you need to spend quality time with your partner, just the two of you, if you want to get connected enough for sex to even be on the cards.

  12. Asking your partner if she is "in the mood" for sex? is not an effective seduction strategy. Sorry chaps but you are going to have to work harder at it than that. It's all about the oxytocin levels - more oxytocin = turned on partner.

  13. If you and your partner have just had a baby then you need to exercise some patience please. Your partner will more than likely be tired and have other things to worry about for a while. So watch for those good, positive signs that things are improving again and come back to this course then perhaps?

  14. Don't take being rejected by your partner for sex personally. Start letting the water fall of your ducks back.

Day 3 Exercise's

Exercise 1

Today's first exercise is about keeping a watch on your inappropriate touching please. Let's say that your partner wants a cuddle with you, or goes to give you a kiss. I'd like you to just take this for what it is please, its more than likely not a request for sex, it's probably just a desire to have some non-sexual contact with you. Don't touch your partner inappropriately as a result of this touch request, and don't try and initiate sex as a result, just be patient and hang on in there. You will get there.

Please try and remember today what I said about having an affair, it is absolutely not the answer to your problems. Okay fair enough a little bit of office flirting is acceptable, but think really hard before you take it any further. When you are at work or generally out and about observe a 'look but don't touch' rule.

Exercise 2

Today I want you to try really hard to keep the egotistical maniac within you under control. Remember that it's not attractive.

Exercise 3

If your partner starts quizzing you today, asking you questions such as "does my bum look big in this?", or asking that dreaded "are you okay?" question. Then do something different today - actually answer the question. Do it nicely, do it calmly, show your partner some respect and actually give her a proper, well thought out answer.

Exercise 4

If your partner does happen to be within her monthly cycle at the moment then please remember what I said about asking derogatory questions about her period. Asking "is it your time of the month?" in a nasty, unpleasant, questioning kind of a way is not going to get you any sex the moment her period does finish. If it does happen to be your partner's time of the month then give her compassion and space.

Exercise 5

Today I want you to take the doormat off of your head, or, if it's inscribed on your forehead instead, then go scrub it out. Start grabbing your insecurities by the ear one by one and throw them out. Be a man both at home and at work.

Exercise 6

If you detect that your partner is whingeing at you, or moaning at you to get something done, or she's coming across as controlling and manipulative towards you, then take a step back from the situation for a second. Think about the words that she is saying. What might her purpose be in what she is asking you to do? Might it be that she is just trying to create a better relationship for you both or a better home? Try not to react negatively, instead put yourself in her shoes for once.

Exercise 7

Likewise today I'd like you to try practising what has just been preached - if you think that any of your behaviours could possibly be controlling or manipulating I'd really like you to try and keep these in check please.

Exercise 8

The next exercise is all about resentment. Today I'd like you to keep an eye out for this unpleasant "R" word. And that's resentment on both yours and your partner sides. If you think that this issue does exist then make a commitment to yourself to read the "communicating better with your partner" appendix, and then challenge yourself to step outside of your comfort zone with your partner and talk it through sensibly together.

Exercise 9

Watch yourself when you are communicating with your partner today (and from here on in). Is there stuff that you are lying about or keeping from her? If so why? Why can't she know those things? Ask yourself if it really matters if she does know?

Exercise 10

Today I want you to think about who you are putting first in your relationship please. If you have children then this is especially important. Spending time with your children is important yes, but then so is your relationship with your partner, and so is having a sex life with your partner. If you aren't spending enough quality time with your partner tonight, just the two of you then try working out with your partner how you can spend more time together. Start the conversation with something along the lines of "I'd really like to spend more time with you...", "can we talk about how we can make that happen?" and go from there.

Exercise 11

Quit, from here on in, asking if your partner is "in the mood" for sex with you. It is not an effective enough seduction strategy.

Exercise 12

If you have a young baby in the house then, today (and for a while to come), do please remember that it's pretty unlikely that your partner will have enough energy for sex with you, potentially for quite a while. From here on in, until things look as though they are improving - stop pursuing your partner for sex.

Exercise 13

I'll repeat again that at this stage I don't think its sensible to be trying to get some sex - it's simply too early on in your learning process, but if you do try then make sure that today you do something a little bit different - don't react badly if your partner is rejecting you for sex.

****

Introducing Day 4, Week 1

Hello and welcome back. We're on day four, and you'll be glad to know that this is the final day where everything is about stuff that you've got to stop. Tomorrow we get to some positive stuff, some things you need to start, I'm going to build you back up again! Today, we even get to some talk about sex, don't get too excited though, it's some stuff I'm going to strongly suggest you stop if you're lucky enough to be getting some sex at the moment. Before we begin with today's stop topics though, let's look at how you got on with yesterday's exercises...

Summarizing what we learnt yesterday

So, how did yesterday's exercises go?...

  * Did your partner try and give you any affection yesterday? Any cuddling in? Any kissing requests? How did you react? Did you reciprocate? Hopefully you didn't grope back in return or try and initiate sex just yet?

  * I'm sure I don't need to ask you if you had an affair yesterday! But I will remind you about what I said - that having an affair is not the answer.

  * How did you get on with that look but don't touch rule in terms of your flirting with others?

  * Did you manage to keep the egotistical maniac within you under control?

  * Did your partner ask you questions yesterday that you really didn't want to answer? If so did you answer them? Were you a good boy and you answered nicely and calmly?

  * Realistically your partner's period isn't going to magically fall on yesterday's date. So you probably won't have had an opportunity to practice this one. So, all I'm going to hope is that you remembered not to ask derogatory questions about your partners monthly cycle. If it is currently your partners monthly cycle, then did you give her compassion?

  * Did the opportunity for somebody to wipe their feet all over your doormat present itself yesterday? If it did how did you react? Did you remove their feet from your doormat? Have you started banishing those insecurities once and for all?

  * So, any controlling and manipulating activities from your partner yesterday? Did you give it a go to alter your thoughts on what this might be? Did it help? Did you come to any conclusions about whether or not it was your partner's way of trying to improve things? Likewise did you manage to keep your own controlling and manipulative behaviour in check?

  * Did you pick up on any resentments that your partner may have toward you? Likewise did you find yourself resenting your partner at all? If you did, have you done anything about it? Did you have a conversation with your partner about it?

  * Did you spin your partner any lies yesterday? Did you keep anything from her? If you did - then did you ask yourself why you did that?

  * So, how much decent quality time did you spend with your partner yesterday? An hour, a half hour, 5 minutes? Did you spend enough time with her to really connect and catch up, to find out who each other was again? If not what did you do about it? Did you talk with your partner about how you could make more time for each other? If not go do so, we'll be getting to why it's so important to have time with your partner in later days.

  * Hopefully you won't have asked your partner yesterday if she was "in the mood for sex" with you. You didn't, did you? I really hope not. And if you've been rejected for sex by your partner, not that I'd advise you go for it yet, but how did you take it? Did you just brush it off?

Rightyho then... let's get on with today's topics...

Make your partner feel safe

Okay, ground rule number 33 - your partner needs to feel 'safe' in your relationship. So, what does 'safe' mean? Well, I'm not going to go you the dictionary definition here, because I think you'll work it out from the following paragraphs, from which you can then fit it to your own situation.

In order for your partner to start to feel turned on she will need to feel emotionally, physiologically and physically safe around you. If it's possible that your partner doesn't feel all of these three things when she's with you – then you have to sort that out if you are to move on. If your partner can trust you then she will be able to relax and get in the mood with you a whole load easier. If your partner doesn't have that trust and feeling of emotionally safety then she's going to chuck a load of barriers up around her - one of which will be not wanting sex with you.

So how do you increase the feeling of emotional safety in your partner?:

  1. Be around! The first one is that simple! Spend more time with your partner, or just keep spending time if you already do. By being present your partner will feel emotional safety. We'll get onto you spending more time with your partner as we get further on in, but for the moment please just remember that spending time together is going to be a fairly fundamental requirement.

  2. Open up a bit and show some emotion - if your partner detects that there might be an issue in your relationship - then change the habit of a lifetime, quit being such a 'bloke':

    1. Talk with your partner about how you are feeling - just open up a bit occasionally, let her in.

    2. Tell your partner what's wrong – you're never going to be 100% happy, so talk with her about what' making you be down when this occurs.

    3. Tell her what's going on in that head of yours – back to letting her in a bit.

    4. Reveal a bit of you that you otherwise wouldn't.

    5. Try telling her your fears and your dreams for once.

  3. Tell your partner that you love her more often than you do (unless you do it lots already, in which case if you start doing it more you'll just come across as totally mental).

  4. Make your partner feel valued - we'll come on to this stuff when we get to the start it now stuff though. So for the moment just remember that making your partner feel valued = a good thing.

  5. Show your partner that you appreciate her and what she does for you, your home, your children, etc. through your actions and through the words that you use. Again, on this one we'll get to more specifics on what you can say and do in later days.

  6. The final one is a biggie, and may not seem that relevant, depending on your situation – but if your partner discovers that she's pregnant and it is an unplanned pregnancy then don't, whatever you do, react badly (or worse, run away! even for a small amount of time). Why? Because that's going to kill the trust in the relationship - and if you have any kind of desire to keep the relationship going then your partner is going to remember this sort of reaction for a very long time, if not forever, and that isn't going to help your long term sex prospects.

Spite

Now, this absolutely goes with the above tip; I also need you to stop thinking that your partner is withholding sex from you out of spite*, there will more than likely be plenty of other reasons as to why you aren't getting quite as much sex as you'd like. Again, keep reading the course, and as you go on you'll discover plenty of other reasons why she isn't leaping into bed with you quite so often.

Now I grant you that yes, depending on the current state of your relationship that she might well be, but if you're a good boy and you actually do stop the "stop it now's then spite won't be a reason why she doesn't want to have sex with you.

Inspector Clouseau

I'm really, really hoping that you've never done this... but if you've been spending lots of time working out from surveys in the media or from conversations with friends what the average number of times that you and your partner should be having sex per week is, and then you've actually presented that stat to your partner with the thought that it will actually make a difference, that she'll suddenly see the light and think "oh goodness me, he's quite right, we're not having sex as often as the national average, quick, let's go to bed and make up for all those times we've missed" – then STOP IT. Because, and I'm sorry if you are far too clever a reader to actually realise this and I've wasted 10 seconds of your life – but this really won't help, and it won't make an iota of a difference, in fact it's more than likely to only mean that your partner digs her heels in even more to deny you sex.

Plug the hoover in

We'll talk lots more about why you helping out around the house, helping with the kids, etc. is very important to you getting more sex, so right here I want to introduce you to a concept that might be a little shocking. So you are ready for what's coming? Here it is... If you do nothing about the house and your partner does everything - ie she's doing the cleaning, ironing, cooking, washing, dishwasher emptying, looking after all the children's need's, etc. etc. then you need to start to get to grips with the concept that you are going to have to give your partner some help if you want more sex.

Why? Well, when you do start to help out, even if it's just small gestures (ie finally putting up that shelf that she's been asking you to put up for the past 2 years, cleaning the bathroom once in a while, etc.) what you will more than likely find is that these small things that you do outside of the bedroom will lead to bigger things inside of the bedroom. If you do small things such as this then it will have a massive impact on how your partner feels about you and the relationship and that will in turn start things going in the right direction.

Let's try and put ourselves in her shoes for a moment – let's try and see what it's like for your partner. Imagine swapping roles for a week - or you could take it further than your imagination and take a few days off to try this stuff out for yourself if you really wanted to! Go down the following checklist in your head and see which of you does what...

  * Organising social life

  * Clean car

  * Maintain car

  * Gardening

  * Load and unload the dishwasher

  * Washing clothes

  * Unloading washing machine and drying clothes

  * Buying the children's clothes

  * Sorting the laundry

  * Taking out the rubbish and recycling

  * Cleaning

  * DIY and organising repairs and maintenance to the home

  * Paying all the bills / looking after the finances

  * Clearing up the house on a night

  * Cooking the evening meal

  * Doing the supermarket shop

  * Arranging play dates for your children

  * Getting the children to bed

  * Reading the children a bedtime story

  * Dealing with childcare

  * Getting the children ready for school

  * Child welfare, such as taking your children to the doctors

  * Parents evenings and meetings with your children's teacher/s

  * Supervising homework

  * Doing the school run

  * Making packed lunches

  * Making breakfast

It's quite a list, but I wonder how many of these things you do compared to how many your partner does? Now I grant you that in showing you this example I'm making the assumption that you are the person who goes out to work most of the time and that your partner does most of these things above, so it may be a little unfair for some of you.

Still don't believe that helping out more at home is going to help? Still struggling with the concept that you doing some of these things is really going to help matters? Okay then, give some of them a try and see for yourself; try getting some of those jobs done that she's been going on at you for ages about, do some housework for a change, surprise her and clean a bathroom or two, hoover the house without being asked to, or go wild and take a day off and clean the house from top to bottom and then pickup the kids from school – then see for yourself what the results are - depending on the stage that you're at with fixing your relationship this could take time, and granted she may not suddenly run to the bedroom shouting "take me big boy" if you've just hovered the lounge, but it is absolutely sure to have a very positive, rather than a negative, impact.

Clever ogling

I assume that if you are a red blooded, alpha male, then you appreciate the female form. That's great, you are absolutely right, there are some splendid female forms out there to admire. But the point here is around your partner catching you doing your admiring and how this isn't going to help her feelings of warmth towards you. Now, I'm not going to suggest that you stop ogling other women altogether, you'd only tell me where to go I'm sure, but I am going to suggest that when your partner is with you that if you can't help yourself then you at least attempt to do it subtly so that your partner doesn't notice.

Why? Like I really need to tell you, but here goes... in order to stir up those nice feelings of warmth and connection to you your partner needs to feel like she is the only person that you've got eyes for. Now it's fair enough, I can quite understand that you want to ogle other women, stare at their fine breasts, look at their great legs, wonder what they'd look like naked, etc. you are perfectly normal - but - one sure fire way to get less sex is to do this really obviously when you are out and about with your partner.

If you are going to look at other women then do it subtly and do it in a nice admiring / non-stalker / sex pest kind of a way - a lot of women would love it if you admired them and found them attractive, and done in the right way this can be very flattering and your partner might well be ok about it.

Stop being a drunk

If you are a big drinker then can I make a suggestion please that you at least take the following points into consideration:

  * You consuming lots and lots of alcohol is not going to help you get more sex your partner.

  * She may well be very turned off by the amount that you drink and especially so when you are trying to get her into bed.

  * If you are that far gone it certainly won't help you be a good lover.

I'll leave that with you. Lecture over.

****

Okay. I think now it's well worth mentioning that you've covered off all of the really unpleasant stop it now's. Whilst there are still quite a few more to go they will start to get easier from here on in.

Don't be too similar

Want a relationship that's got buzz (p.s. it's a good thing to have one that's at least starting to buzz if you also want a supa-duper sex life), then here's a good one to try and get your head round... being too similar to your partner is not a good thing. Now you might read too much into that, so let's explain a little more on this.

I'm going to suggest that if you spend too much time with your partner then it could have a detrimental impact on the desire that you feel for each other. If you think this sounds familiar then you could try some of these tips and see how they go...

  * Go down the pub with some mates occasionally or go play a game of squash (or other sport that takes your fancy) with a friend, ie get out of her hair and show her you've got a life away from your relationship.

  * Be interested in talking with your friends on the phone a tiny bit more instead of spending all of your time with your partner.

  * Take some time out on your own to read a magazine.

  * Get interested in life, become less boring, go get some excitement in your life. We're talking living life to the full here, I could list off 1,000 suggestions, but I'm sure you could use your imagination... go bungy jumping, read a book without pictures, start a University course, etc. Two of these are pretty extreme examples, but hopefully you get the drift.

  * Try and stay clear of taking on all of your partner's hobbies and interests (unless they genuinely do actually really interest you of course). Perhaps consider getting a few of your own as well.

  * Be a bit more cool with each other every so often. I'm not saying 'standoffish', just 'cool'. There's a big difference.

Now potentially all of these ideas may sound a bit like you playing a game with your partner. But the goal here is to show your partner that you are interesting, that you are far from being Mr. Dull and Boring, and if you play this one right then it really isn't going to do any harm whatsoever to make her think that she has to work that little bit harder to maintain your interest.

Your naked bod does not turn your partner on, sorry **!**

Sorry chaps, the title says it all. I'm afraid that you need to stop thinking that by you prancing about butt naked in the bedroom that you are magically going to turn your partner on. This might have worked in the past, but more than likely that was only during the infatuation stage of your relationship, when all of those frightfully clever infatuation chemicals were whizzing about in both of your bods. Women are just wired differently to blokes and it doesn't work for them as it does for us. You get turned on by seeing stuff, ie fine naked women, but your partner primarily get's turned on physiologically.

Sex vs. Football

If your partner has been trying to initiate sex (lucky you) and you've been trying to watch the cricket, the football, rugby, etc. on television and you have brushed her off with a "not now dear", because quite frankly you made the decision that the cricket, football, rugby, etc. was way more important - then you need to know that that's not a good long term plan. You may well be superbly thick skinned because you've had lots of practice at being rejected by women when you were younger, but your partner may...

  * Be less thick skinned than you, and...

  * Won't take (what she will see as) rejection in a good way.

  * This could damage your short term future chances of getting some.

Pick up the stinky socks

That's your stinky socks. Keep your bedroom clean and tidy, don't leave your beer cans lying about, your clothes all over the floor, your skanky tissues on the bedside table and your FHM magazines (or similar) lying about for your partner to get all jealous and annoyed about. Go clear them up. Know right here, right now that it isn't going to make for a romantic and relaxing environment for your partner to have all of this sort of stuff lying about. It's very likely to be very important to her, and therefore needs to be important to you as well please.

Mr. Trumpy

I'm quite sure that I really don't need to be telling you this, but just in case this is you I'll take the risk of wasting the sensible readers time... If you are doing stupid stuff that's going to really piss your partner off and totally gross her out, then stop it, it isn't going to help you get more sex. Do you really need examples? Okay - farting in front of your partner so that she smells the terrible stench, or picking your nose in front of her, would both be really great examples. I'm sure you can add plenty more of your own, so just be aware of the impact that such behaviour has please.

Keep your promises

Quit making promises to your partner that you cannot keep. Let's say, for example, that you've promised to put a shelf up at the weekend, if you've said that you are going to do something then make sure you do your damnd'st to jolly well do it.

If you just haven't been able to keep your promise for whatever reason, then...

  * Let her know that you've not done what you said you were going to do and apologise for not doing it.

  * Set a time when you will do it.

  * Let her know when you will get it done.

  * Then make sure that you do it then.

This also works for really quite important stuff such as picking up the kids from school, grabbing that all important wrapping paper for her mother's birthday present that she's asked you to get, etc. If it's important to your partner, then make it important to you to if you value your sex life. I'm not saying that forgetting to buy wrapping paper is going to stop you getting sex, but keeping your promises, helping your partner out, pleasing her and doing what you say you will do keeps on building up those all-important building blocks towards you getting more.

Practice talking about your partner as if she's there

If you say something bad about your partner to someone when you're not with her, and that gets back to your partner I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that this isn't going to go down well. So practise the habit of not say anything to anyone else about your partner that you would not say to her face, instead - talk about her as if she were there with you. Don't take the risk.

****

Okay, phew, well done, you've completed all of the major and minor stop it now's. You did good. Hopefully you're now undertaking the exercises and following some or hopefully all of my advice. If you are then you are on your way to more sex. Keep hanging on in there; we'll get to even more good stuff over the days to come.

We're not done with the stop it now's though I'm afraid. What I want to do now is to finish them off with what may seem like some fairly premature talk about sex. The goal here is to ensure that if you are lucky enough to be getting some sex occasionally that you don't totally screw up your chances for next time by doing something stupid. Let's take a look at them...

It's not a race

What does this mean? We'll get to that, but start by having a read of this next description...

Are you treating sex as a race to get from zero to penetration in as quick as time as possible? Are you mechanically going through the motions of; kiss her for a bit, tweak a nipple, then the other, stimulate her clit by rubbing round for a bit not really knowing what you are doing, getting zero feedback from your partner, then checking for wetness, no wetness? Okay, then repeat the above cycle until she's "ready" (in your opinion), then penetrate. Essentially you are racing to get from jumping into bed with your partner to being inside here without a care for anything in-between, and stop treating the whole process as a "sex by numbers" game.

Sound familiar? Fair enough, you're not alone, but this really needs to stop.

So, why on earth do you need to stop this?

  * Well for starters it's more than likely to be a really dull, predictable experience for your partner, and if the sex is dull I think that we can fairly safely assume that she's not going to be overly concerned about leaping into bed with you on a regular basis to get more of the same dullness. Now the first thing to note before we move on is that it's not your fault if it is dull, you can't be expected to just automatically know exactly what you're doing in bed, you haven't been pre-programmed to know how to make sex super exciting. It's more than likely that nobody's educated you on how to be a great lover - you just need a little help.

  * Your partner won't think about sex in quite the same way as you; your thoughts may be about getting to penetration as quickly as possible, but more than likely, your partner won't think the same way.

  * If the above description sounds even remotely familiar, ie that it's all very mechanical and predictable – then know right now that your partner will more than likely pickup on what it is that you are doing (ie getting her "ready" for penetration as quickly as possible) and she may find this pretty horrendous! You are essentially putting pressure on her to get wet and be ready. This may well have the reverse effect that you were going for of actually making it worse and it will take her even longer to be "ready". Sure, you need to get there eventually, but you increase your chances of putting her off totally if you continue doing that.

  * Still struggling with the concept? Okay then, let's give you an analogy: I'm going to assume, being the sensible car loving person that you possibly are, that there is no way that you would leap into your car, switch the engine on, chuck the car into fourth gear and try and move off! No, you'd start it in first, move to second when the car sounded or felt about right, then when you were moving a bit quicker you'd move to third, and finally when the car was in the right place you'd move up to fourth. It's the same with your partner, you can't just expect her to start in fourth gear.

  * It's you being sexually selfish, ie you are just wanting to enter her, come and then fall asleep.

  * We've talked before about what are and what aren't effective seduction strategies – and this is another of those that just isn't effective!

Okay, so what do I do instead?

  * Right, this is potentially going to be a bit shocking, but if your sex life has become boring, samey, not pleasurable for your partner, you're always doing the same old thing in bed in the same order, you are groping, pinching too hard, clashing your teeth together when you kiss, etc. etc. then I'm going to suggest that until you've been equipped with more information on how to become a better lover that you just stop having sex! Just stop bothering with it for a short while until you get more knowledgeable. Essentially stop doing what just doesn't seem to be turning your partner on. Extreme statement I know, but boredom is a full on desire dampener. Read on McDuff...

  * You aim should ideally be to make sex a satisfying ride for you both, rather than it being something where you concentrate wholly or simply on crossing the finish line (if I really need to spell this out; this is that you've 'crossed the line when you've come').

  * Try concentrating more on your partners pleasure (assuming that you didn't do much before of this before of course), and this includes you waiting before you come to ensure that your partner is satisfied first. Post-pone your gratification in the pursuit of mutual happiness, this way she will want to come back for more next time.

  * Quit thinking that sex is just a penis in a vagina - its way more than just that for your partner. This may ultimately be where you want to get to, fair enough, but for once try to stop thinking that that this is your only and ultimate goal, instead...

  * Try something different (prepare yourself for what you might consider some airy fairy stuff here, and do please give it more than 3 seconds of your thought patterns, it's well worth mulling over in your mush): try making love with your partner for a change, just chill out and enjoy the experience of being with naked her, enjoy touching her body, skin against skin, start slowly, tease a little first, work up to those pleasure areas, make her feel like you've got all the time in the world, let her know that you want to make love with her, put in the effort, think about what you're doing for a change, make it a challenge to yourself not to do the same thing that you've always done, and treat it as less of a race and more of a gentle stroll. This sounds really deep and meaningful I know, but that's the sort of place that you need to get to if you want to get on your partners wavelength about sex, and that all helps to get you more in the long run. If you can get into the sex that you both have in this deep way you'll find you become a lot more connected to your partner and that both you and she will get more out of it, and because she's enjoying it more and feeling closer to you she might just want to do it again, and again, and again.....

  * Once you've improved the basics then try spicing things up a bit:

    * Suggest that you have sex in a different room (or just not on your bed for once!).

    * Go rent a hotel room and don't even get on the bed to have sex!

    * Give your partner a massage for once.

    * Surprise her with a sex toy for you to both try out.

    * Try some scenarios (there are some suggestions in the "scripted scenarios" appendix in the eBook for week 4).

  * Suggest that your partner dress up for you.

  * Watch an erotic film, listen to an erotic audiobook or read an erotic story together (there are suggestions in the "Erotic media to get you both in the mood" appendix in the eBook for Week 2).

  * By improving in these simple ways you'll get out of the sexual rut and you'll be doing things differently, in this way your partner should suddenly become more interested in having sex with you because its new, exciting and isn't dull – and this in turn should help you down the path to getting more.

  * Keep on going with this course; we're not far off of starting loads of easy to remember, practical, no nonsense, no faffing tips to improving your sex life and bringing some pleasure back to the sexual experience for you both. Once you've got to grips with some of the tips then, in a few weeks' time if you're lucky enough to be getting some sex, try them out on your partner, and slowly but surely keep learning and keep improving.

Just had sex with your partner **?** Well lucky you **!**

Then can I suggest the following to absolutely help set you up for next time... If you normally just roll over and go straight to sleep after you've had sex with your partner then (a) try to stay awake for as long as you can (though it's okay to go to sleep if your partner has!) (b) make sure that you are doing lots of the following afterwards:

  * Cuddling and snuggling up.

  * Kissing.

  * Holding.

  * Caressing.

  * And chatting (yes chatting, I know, blurgh, blurgh, blurgh, lots of dull chatting about lovey dovey stuff) - sorry chaps but it's necessary for keeping on connecting with your partner, and this is really important, as you'll keep on discovering as we continue on the journey.

Before we move on this point I'd really suggest that you don't use the time just after you've had sex with your partner to analyse the experience! And definitely don't do any sort of criticism of her performance! That's a big, no, no and no again.

Sex during your partners period

Women differ greatly, there's a surprise! and none more so in terms of whether or not they are happy to have sex during their periods. It's more than likely you've probably already made the decision on whether or not you are happy to have sex with your partner during her period, long before you need to start asking her whether she is happy to or not. But you may find that you aren't going to get anywhere with your partner when she is having her period, so the stop it now here is around making sure that you don't pressure your partner to have sex during her period if she doesn't want to. If you are both okay with having sex during her period then just go careful in getting even slightly funny about any blood that is produced as a result – any funniness, perceived or otherwise, can make your partner feel really self-conscious about it at a time that isn't very pleasant for her either!

Smell, hers

If your partner has a smell in her vaginal area that is putting you off, or indeed that your partner is concerned is putting you off, then essentially you need to talk with your partner about it. If it is bothering you then whatever you do though you mustn't let your partner know that it's bothering you because this really will put her off.

Quit the coercing

If you are coercing your partner into doing stuff that she doesn't want to do (and that's both in and out of the bedroom by the way) then stop it! Force the issue at your peril! Instead; try discussing what you'd like to try outside of the bedroom first, and do try and ensure that you explain to her why it is that you are keen to try what it is that you've said that you want to try. This will help her understand, and may bring her to the point where she's happy to give it a try. If she isn't happy to try something out, then do your best to try and understand it from her point of view please, ie with anal sex, she might be concerned that it might hurt her, for example. If you've asked your partner to try something new, she's tried it with you, but while you're at it she's asked you to stop, then blooming well stop! If you don't and you keep forcing the issue then it will put her off trying anything new with you next time.

Likewise quit the coercing of trying to get your partner to watch porn movies with you. Firstly women don't get turned on by the naked male form in quite the same way that you do by the female form, and watching perfect bodies on screen will more than likely make her feel totally inadequate and insecure if she's not feeling that great about her own body, or if it isn't quite as perfect as those on screen. If you do end up watching porn together then you need to make sure that you let your partner know that she is the one that turns you on - not the women on screen.

****

Summarizing Day 4

Okay, well done, we made it to the end of day 4. I'm really hoping that you aren't feeling too battered, bruised or worse, fed up. Tomorrow we start getting to some positive stuff, we start getting to the things that are going to build you back up, so hang on in there please, keep going with every single bit of this course, no skipping. Let's get summarizing today before we move on ...

  1. You need to be making sure that your partner feels safe in your relationship, so; be around, open up a bit and show some emotion occasionally and tell your partner that you love her nice and often please.

  2. It's more than likely that your partner is not withholding sex from you out of spite.

  3. If you are reminding your partner that you aren't having sex as much as the national average, then STOP IT. NOW!

  4. I made the suggestion that if you started helping your partner out around the house, helping her out with her, probably very long, list of chores, that she'd then have more free time for you, and that she would also be way more open to the idea of sex with you.

  5. If you are going to ogle other women then do it subtly, so that your partner does not notice that you are doing so.

  6. Control your drinking. You being a total drunkard is not going to help you get any more sex.

  7. Have some of your own interests; try not to be too similar to your partner.

  8. I introduced the idea that unfortunately your partner is not going to get turned on by you wandering about in the nude. Boo.

  9. Your partner may not take well you rejecting her over football, cricket, or whatever other interest tickles your fancy. So it's well worth having a careful think about the impact that you rejecting her over this interest of yours has on your sex life.

  10. Your bedroom (and come to think of it, your house too) needs to be a relaxing, romantic place in order for romantic sexy thoughts to be allowed to enter your partners head. With that in mind you need to make sure that you aren't using your bedroom floor as a dirty clothes storage facility please.

  11. Quit doing stuff in front of your partner that is going to totally put her off of you; picking your nose, trumping, chewing your fingernails and spitting them out on the floor, making that horrible noise you do with the back of your throat like you are going to spit a wonderful mixture of flem and snot onto the floor, etc. You get the drift I'm sure.

  12. Keep your promises. If you've told your partner that you'll do something then damn well make sure you get it done.

  13. If you're not with your partner, and you're talking with someone else about her - then talk about her as if she was there with you.

  14. Today we talked about treating sex as less of a race to get from zero to penetration in as quick a time as possible, and how, if you are doing this, it has the potential to be putting your partner off of sex for next time.

  15. If you are lucky enough to be getting some sex at the moment then try your best not to fall asleep immediately afterwards. Try some cuddling up and snogging rather than turning over and snoring away immediately after you've come.

  16. You and your partner have more than likely already decided on whether you are both okay about having sex during her period. If you are both okay with it though make sure that you don't go getting funny about any blood produced as a result.

Day 4 Exercise's

Okay, we've summed today up. So let's look at the exercises that I'm going to suggest that you do today please. These will try to get you thinking about what you've learnt some more and will get you implementing them...

Exercise 1

The first exercise for the day is one that is going to help your partner feel a little bit more emotionally safe - and it is this - I'd like you to do a little opening up today, ideally when you are giving your partner some of your time. It's not tricky - all you'd have to do tonight, at dinner maybe, is just to sit with her and chat. Perhaps she'll ask you how your days been, if she does tell her stuff, perhaps stuff that you wouldn't normally tell her. Maybe someone or something bothered you, go tell her about it, try telling her how it made you feel. Just open up a bit and let her in with some of the stuff that you say.

Exercise 2

Today I'd also like you to allow the thought of helping out more at home to enter your mind please. Observe the whirlwind that is your partner, see what it is that she does to look after you, your home and your children. Whilst observing - have a think about what she's doing. Is there stuff that she's doing that you could help out with perhaps? If you are feeling really brave perhaps you could make the suggestion to your partner that you could take something off her hands, that you could help out with something. Try the words "Is there anything that I could do to help?"

Exercise 3

Whether you are out and about with your partner today or not - when you see a fine lady that you'd like your eyes to give some attention to for more than 30 nanoseconds - look, by all means, but do it subtly. If you partner is with you then try and look so that she doesn't notice that you're looking, and if she isn't with you then practice looking like she is with you.

Exercise 4

This exercise only really applies if you drink too much, and I'm sure that you'll know if this is you. Tonight perhaps try cutting down a bit on your drinking and see how it helps matters. All we're looking to do here is to get it so that your partner doesn't get totally turned off of you because of your over excessive drinking issues, and so that you can hold a decent conversation with her.

Exercise 5

Have a think about your hobbies and interests today. How similar are your interests to those of your partners? Is your partner your only interest? Your only hobby? If so perhaps at least have a think about what other stuff you enjoy doing? Perhaps you used to go mountain biking a lot when you were younger, maybe start that again. It's just an example, I'm sure you can think of plenty of your own, so just have a think about this one and see what you come up with.

Exercise 6

Having just talked about your own hobbies and interests I'm going to sound like I'm contradicting myself here, but it's all about happy balance. So, today please, whilst you are thinking about your own hobbies and interests can I ask that you have a careful think about rejection, ie you rejecting your partner for sex having given preference to your hobbies and interests, ie football, cricket, rugby, etc. Think those key words 'happy balance' again.

Exercise 7

Today go take a look round your house, specifically at your bedroom. Are there any of your dirty clothes on the floor? If there are then go pick them up, in your partners mind they do not belong there. Take a look at your side of the bed. Is there stuff there that's been gathering dust for 200 decades? Could some or all of it be moved without ruining your existence? Is there stuff that you could do to de-clutter thereby making it a more relaxing and romantic environment for your partner? If so go do.

Exercise 8

Today remember what I said about the gross stuff please. Keep an eye on your habits, be that extra bit cautious, consciously think about stuff that you do that might be grossing your partner out, and then don't do it in front of her. From today onwards - just stop it.

Exercise 9

Have a think about the stuff that you are promising your partner that you'll get done. Have you promised something recently that you haven't then gone on and done? If so try and make the time today to get it done, even if it's just one of the things. Do you have a system that helps you remember the stuff that you've got to get done? A to-do list? Perhaps you just need regular reminding of things. To-do lists can be as simple as a piece of paper that you keep in your pocket with your hand scrawl on.

Exercise 10

Today, if you're talking with someone about your partner, and she's not there, then talk about her as if she were there.

Exercise 11

If you are lucky enough to be getting some sex at the moment then the next time sex occurs try slowing down a bit. It is not a race, do something different to what you normally do. Personally I'd suggest that you stop for a while, until you get more knowledgeable. It won't be too many days before I start giving you some daily tips on how to improve things, so maybe just hang on for a bit, wait until you know more.

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Introducing Day 5, Week 1

Welcome to day 5. Today, you'll doubtless be glad to know, we get to some stuff that you've got to start. We start on the building you back up exercises. Before we do that however, we are going to finish off the stop it now's around any sex that you might be getting, and we'll also take a quick look back at what we covered yesterday...

Summarizing what we learnt yesterday

  * So how did you get on with the first exercise? The one that was about making your partner feel safe? Did you give her much, or indeed any, of your time last night? Did you open up a bit? Did you try and tell her some of the sorts of things that you don't normally?

  * So, did you observe your partner yesterday in terms of what she does for you and for your family around the house? What sort of stuff did she do? Was there something that you could take over from her? Did you ask if there was anything that you could do to help out? If not, then go beyond just observing today, and actually ask if you can help her with anything, or just help out by going and doing one of those things that you observed yesterday.

  * Did you ogle other women yesterday? If so how did you get on doing this subtly? Was your partner with you? Did you see her looking at you as you ogled?

  * Drink. Did you consider the drinking exercise that I set yesterday? Nope, this wasn't an exercise to drink more, it was one to drink less - if you drink too much already. Did you drink less last night? If you did then well done. Perhaps you could try and do the same again tonight as well?

  * Hobbies and interests. Did you come to any conclusions on your hobbies and interests? How similar did you decide that you are to your partner? Did you have a think about some hobbies and interests of your own that you could do? Did you think the words 'happy balance'? Did you remember that rejecting your partners demands for sex in favour of your own hobbies and interests really isn't a good thing?

  * Your house and your bedroom - how did you get on taking a look around? Did you spot stuff that you really should be clearing up? If so did you clear it up? Did you think 'romantic environment' as you did so? How is your side of the bed looking? Is it clear and clutter free?

  * So did you have a good think about the stuff that you do which might be grossing your partner out? Did you stop doing that gross stuff? If you did well done. You won't have noticed any difference in your partner of course, but it will definitely help, I can promise you that.

  * To do list. How did you get on with your to do list? Did you have a think about stuff that you'd promised your partner you'd get done? Is there stuff on that to-do list that you needed to get done? If so did you get just one thing done on it yesterday? Maybe go do another today.

  * Did you talk with anyone about your partner yesterday? Did you say to the person that you were talking with only the stuff that you'd say if your partner were there with you? If so well done, continue with the same behaviour today. If not - try doing so today please. Don't take the risk of bad stuff that you've said to someone else getting back to your partner. It's really not worth it.

Okay, well done. Now, let's get on with today's topics. We'll start by finishing off the 'getting some sex' stop it now's...

Quit the "did you come" **?**

If, having had sex with your partner, you are regularly asking her if she came then can I make a suggestion that you put a stop to this! Why?...

  * Well first and foremost it's putting pressure on your partner, too much pressure.

  * Secondly you'll be taking away from the experience of sex with you if she hasn't come, and she feels that she has failed for you.

  * By asking her if she's come and then looking all expectantly at her, she's unlikely then to want to ruin the mood and say "no", ie she might just lie to you, and neither of you really want that. Do you?

  * If your partner takes this question as pressure on her to come, then this pressure in itself may well be stopping her coming! If she's wanting to have an orgasm for you too much (with the words 'for you' being the key ones here) then she may be trying too hard and this will not help matters.

Okay, I'll stop, but what then **?**

  * Quit the assumption that in order to enjoy sex your partner has to have an orgasm. Women are different to men in this regard, you may need to come in order to be satisfied in bed, but your partner will more likely be perfectly satisfied by the simple fact that you are both having some closeness together. Now I grant you that later on I'll talk a lot about how you can help bring your partner to orgasm, and therefore at that point it might look like I'm totally contradicting myself, so I'm not suggesting that you should forget altogether about your partner's orgasm, but for your partner it's more than likely to also be about connecting sexually with you, being intimate with you and what an intimate love session does for your longer term relationship.

  * Along those same lines throw these two questions at your head and mull them round for a bit... By asking the "did you come?" question of your partner are you looking to find out if your partner is satisfied in bed? Or do you want to know that she's had an orgasm? Your partner may not go on the simple equation of 'satisfaction = orgasm'. Have a think about the difference between the two, it doesn't mean that just because your partner hasn't had an orgasm that she isn't satisfied in bed.

  * Take a look at yourself as well please - if you want to know if your partner had an orgasm then ask yourself why you want to know the answer to this question? Is it for your own satisfaction and confirmation of your prowess, your ego being satisfied? If it is then quit being so damned egotistical and self-centred! It won't help you get more sex.

  * Instead of having the goal of you and her having to have an orgasm at the end of the experience have a goal of making sex more fun instead.

  * If you absolutely can't help yourself and you just have to ask then try these questions instead: "do you need more?" or "are you satisfied?".

What's worked before may not work again

Now I'll guess that if you've been with your current partner for a while this absolutely won't apply, but just in case it doesn't, or you haven't been with your current partner for long, or just on the off chance you haven't considered this at all - then please remember that your current partner will not be the same in bed as your previous partner. What your last partner enjoyed may well not work with your current partner.

Sex as a tool

If you are using sex as a tool to mend other broken areas in your relationship then please know right now that this isn't going to help you get more sex. If you need this explaining then I can give you an example of; perhaps, you being really nice to your partner when you are in bed together, but then when you are out of bed with her you are being horrible to her.

Permission granted, not

This one's a bit blunt and to the point – but it's well worth reminding you that your partner giving you a blow job is not her giving you permission to come in her mouth! (a) Please remember that your partner will want some satisfaction too - having put all that effort it and (b) some women really won't like this at all.

Her clit is not the same as your cock

We'll talk a lot more about your partner's clit later on when we get to the daily 'getting better at sex tips', so at this point in the process I'd like you to take just the one thing away please – and that is to; stop thinking of the clit as being either (a) a magic button! or as (b) a miniature penis. It will need very different handling to your cock. You'll just have to hang on in there for more info, we will get there, so for the moment just mull that thought around please.

Pill pressure

Do not pressure your partner to go on the pill. How would you like to fill your body with a concoction of chemicals that you aren't sure 100% what they are doing to you just for the satisfaction and pleasure of your partner? I don't think I need to spell this out, but just in case I do (and apologies this is going to be somewhat blunt again) please read this as "you get to come inside your partner without a condom and she gets to fill her body with lots of unknown drugs". There I said it was blunt. Lecture now over...

Quit criticising the sex

Sorry to be so honest – but if you are so stupid as to be criticising your partner about the sex that you are having, or indeed aren't having, then you are quite likely to be killing sex. It's that simple. It is not going to do your sex life any good whatsoever to be critical with your partner about the sex that you are having, or indeed aren't having, if you're doing this then stop it! It's for your own good and your partner's mental wellbeing.

Pubic hair, hers

How your partner 'wears'(!) her pubic hair is her decision. Don't pressure her to go for a style that you want her to have, 'you' being the operative word here. It's more than enough that women have a truck load pressures in life already on the things that everyone else sees (ie looking thin and beautiful with fabulous clothes, perfect makeup and the right handbag, etc.), than also attending to some other part of her body that only you and her see. Waxing or shaving her pubic hair into the perfect shape that you are after will more than likely cause her discomfort and possibly some pain as well. So quit pressuring your partner to do anything to her pubic hair that she doesn't want to do - and if you put yourself in her shoes would you really want that pain and discomfort just to please your partner in the pubic hair department? Now, I don't know you, but I'll hazard a guess that that's unlikely.

Quit the pressure to be wet

Stop being critical if your partner's body isn't getting turned on enough to be wet for you. Why?...

  * Well for starters you can't take your partners wetness as an indicator of how aroused she is anyway, it's just not a reliable source. Just because she is wet it doesn't mean that she is aroused, and likewise just because she isn't wet it doesn't mean that she isn't aroused.

  * Just because there may also be other external physical signs of your partner being aroused, ie her erect nipples, it doesn't necessarily mean that she is aroused, ie her having erect nipples may just be as a result of the cold for example. Don't get the wrong message and act incorrectly on it because, and it's a message that I'll keep repeating, if you don't get your partner emotionally aroused first before touching her then you will more than likely just put her off altogether!

  * Now with this next point we're assuming that your partner doesn't have a medical issue that means that she can't self-lubricate, but potentially if she isn't getting wet for you then you also need to take a good hard look at what you aren't doing to get her 'wet'. If you need that spelt out more clearly – perhaps there's more that you could be doing to help turn your partner on and to get her wet.

Stop it now's done – well done! So, before we move on **...**

Phew, we're there, you've got to the end of all that stuff that you're being asked to stop doing, we can finally move you on to where you can start being built back up. However - if you haven't read all of the stop it now's, if you've skipped stuff then stop right there. You are a very bad boy, and you need to go back and read them all. Why? Because you might have missed something important and, more importantly, something fundamental that will quite frankly be a vital ground rule that you need to get right first. That's why.

So, assuming that you have read them all and that you've completed all of the exercises, before we get on with the next steps there's just a few more things I'd like you to have a think about please:

  * If you've read all of the stop it now's, then you also need to have been really honest with yourself about each one. When you read each did you need to act on any of them? Because, if you did and you've made those changes for the better then by now your partner should not be withholding sex from you out of spite. And that's a really good thing.

  * From here on in I need you keep a check on yourself every day please, take stock of your behavior on a regular basis. Because if you are doing some of the bad stuff that I've suggested that you stop then it's quite possible that this isn't going to help your partner in wanting to be as close with you as you'd like. All of these new things you're learning need to become your mantra, you can't just stop doing the things I've suggested that you stop when you want sex, it's just not that simple I'm afraid. It's got to be permanent stopping.

  * A great man called Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, came up with the brilliant concept of the 'emotional bank account', and it's one that I'd like to introduce to you now if you haven't heard of it already, because this one concept may well help focus your mind around what you've just learnt. What is an emotional bank account? Well, the following, taken from Stephens online blog is a good intro to it:

" _I sometimes use the metaphor of an Emotional Bank Account. Like a financial bank account, you can make deposits and take withdrawals from the account."_

  * This might make sense if we put it into context with what you've just learnt - if you are currently doing any of the bad things that I've suggested that you stop doing then you are making bad withdrawals from your partner's emotional bank account. The remainder of the course is now about putting deposits into your partners emotional bank account, ie you doing good things for your partner are deposits, bad things are negative withdrawals. Why should you give a monkeys about your partners emotional bank account? Simple really, the more deposits you make the more your partner will be happy to jump into bed with you to make some positive withdrawals from that bank account with you! ie sex.

  * Just one more thing on this I promise, then we'll get on – let's say you are making what you are thinking are lots of nice deposits into her emotional bank account. I'd ask you please to just make sure that they are deposits in both your eyes and your partners - they may not be enough of a deposit in your partner's eyes to fill that bank account up enough to give you carte blanche to make withdrawals. Sound a bit damned tricky to work out what's going to be enough? Fair enough, simply try and put yourself in your partner's shoes as much as possible to ensure that the emotional deposit in your eyes matches the emotional deposit in your partner's eyes too.

****

So, from here on in it should only be either (a) a relationship, (b) a relaxation or (c) a closeness thing that's stopping you getting more sex. So read on and we'll get you some help with these things too, as we're now going to look at the stuff that I'm going to suggest that you need to start...

Stuff that you ought to be starting **...**

This next section is all about you enriching your partner's life with a bit of what she wants and needs and in return she should be way more willing to enrich your life with a little of what you want and need. Again I'm sure I don't need to spell it out, but this should = sex.

What you are building on here is you starting to do nice things for your partner \- but with these ones you are doing even nicer things. In theory then you should be able to see that your partner will be doing nice stuff for you in return. Or at least she'll start to be outwardly looking more open to the concept.

You may well struggle to see what some of these next set of concepts / ideas / tips have to do with you getting more sex. So I need you to think of sex as a building please. You wanting more sex with your partner is the same as you wanting to put up a sodding great skyscraper, preferably 100 stories high, with great views, aircon and a swimming pool on the roof. Now there's no way that you'd even think about building that great building without some fairly meaty foundations, firstly the building wouldn't get far of the ground without falling over or sinking, and if you did miraculously manage to get to the 100th floor it wouldn't stand up long to the daily crap that life was about to start throwing at it. All of the stop it now's that we've just covered were your planning permission, and the start it now's that we are about to start covering off are your foundations and your steel superstructure to keep your building upright and together.

With all (!) that in mind, let's begin...

Create the connection

By now, if you've been a good boy and read all of the stop it now's you'll have heard the word connection a good number of times, and you'll have got the concept that creating a connection between you both is one of those really important foundation things that has to be in place before more sex can even be popped onto the cards. So it might seem odd that we are only now properly introducing the concept of creating a connection as a really important thing. This is mainly because this is a start it now, and up till now everything has been stuff which you need to stop doing. I'll quit with the waffling and get to some good stuff...

Firstly – and if you really need it – what is this connecting thing that I am wittering on about? Well - in summary it can be defined as 'creating intimacy between you and your partner' or 'bridging the emotional gap between you both'.

So why do you need to connect to your partner? For a number of reasons...

  * In simple terms - if you work on the connection between you and your partner outside of the bedroom - then when you are both inside the bedroom your partner will be much more receptive to your touch and your suggestion for intimacy.

  * It's more than likely that your partner will have a need to feel connected to you in order to be in the right place to want to have sex, again, it really is that simple.

  * When there are communication issues in a relationship the sex is going to suffer.

  * All the stuff that you may previously have thought of as nonsense, like; holding hands, talking, candles, nice romantic meals, etc. are all, ultimately, the groundwork that you need to do for sex to be a possibility later on. By doing all of this good connecting stuff you are stirring the hormones in your partners bod that will eventually get stirred up enough to put her in the right place to want have sex with you. And in women you can stir those hormones by simple things such as touch, candles, a nice quiet meal together, etc.

So how do you connect better with your partner?

  * Connecting with your partner is a thing that you do daily. Examples of the sorts of things that you can do to connect with your partner would be; talking with her regularly, appreciating her, making time for her, making her a cup of tea in bed, spending time snuggled up together on a night, listening to her, touch, etc.

  * So, starting at day nine and stretching up until day twenty five I'm going to be introducing you to two connecting tip's per day. Each one will help you get to know one another other better again. These tips will start slowly and build up in their connecting intensity, and they'll be set as exercises for you to try out that day.

  * Bear with each exercise that's set you, because whilst the first ones may seem totally unrelated to you getting more sex, they will absolutely build up to the point where you'll start to see the point in doing them to get to where you ultimately want to be. However you can't skip the starting ones, just to get to the ones that you can see the point in. So I'll try and explain to you why each connecting tip is important to you getting more of what you want.

  * Connecting with your partner requires that you be intimate with her, so, before we move on I just wanted to take a second to tell you that there is a difference between 'bonding', what men do, and 'connecting', which is what women do.

  * To that end then – when you are out and about with your partner watch how she connects with other women – she'll more than likely be doing this automatically and it will be a really easy thing for her to do – it's just a woman thing. So get observing, and when you see what you think you recognise as connecting going on implant the tip in your head and remember it for when you need to do your own connecting to your partner.

Women don't have to have a purpose for a conversation

One of the vital differences between men and women, and something that I'm sorry to say that you will just have to get used to, is that for a woman there doesn't have to be a purpose to having a conversation, some of the time she's just going to want to talk for the sake of it, it's just what womankind does in order to connect.

At this point it's also worth noting that women do their thinking and their feeling out loud, whereas you, for example, may do all of your thinking quietly to yourself in your head. Your partner may well want to go through her thought process with you out loud.

When this happens to you I'm going to suggest the following please:

  * Firstly, don't tut, walk off, roll your eyes or get defensive when she says that she wants to talk or if she's been wittering on at you too long for your liking. Your partner may say to you, for example, "let's switch off the TV, we haven't talked in a while", when this happens \- chill out, go with it, it's just that your partner wants to talk, she wants to connect - by talking you are connecting, and by starting to connect you are getting closer to what you want.

  * Secondly, change your thinking on what your partner talking at you is, remember that difference between men and women, it's just your partners way of doing things - she thinks and processes out loud, you don't, that's just the way it is, let her get on with it, and remember to employ your listening skills: a quick reminder if you need one; let her speak without you interrupting her, maintain eye contact, respond to what your partners saying so she at least knows that you've been listening.

Finally, and this one is a last resort, and should only be used if you really aren't in the right place to chat, but it's a good one to have up your sleeve... if your partner says that she wants to talk, and you really don't want to, then you could try asking "is there something specific that you wanted to talk about?" then at least you'll know either way if the conversation is going to have a purpose. If there's no purpose to the conversation, then maybe it means that your partner simply wants to connect, and for what you want connecting is only a good thing.

Become a good listener

Having understood why it's very good to talk, let's look at a skill that you need in abundance for a good talking session, and yep, you are reading this right, I am suggesting that one of the important steps in you getting more sex is to become a 'better listener'. Now how on earth is that going to work? Why do you need to become a better listener?

  * Well, firstly it will help you to build rapport with your partner, and you need rapport to even get close to the bedroom.

  * Secondly, actually listening to your partner shows her that you support her.

  * Third, it will help you better understand what your partner expects of you and you'll find underlying meanings in what she is saying and asking. Bear with this one, just go with it and we'll refer back to it later when we talk about something called 'The List'.

  * It will help you work together, and work better, to resolve any problems, either between you both, or with any issues that your partner may have entirely outside of your relationship, ie that are nothing to do with you. Any problems, especially those in your relationship, are going to play on your partners mind and leave less room in there for other thoughts. Hence why it's important that you actually hear them so that you can then work on them.

  * By listening you are showing her that you care, and your partner definitely needs to know that you care. Why, well for starters being listened to is one of a woman's primal needs, so ignore that need at your peril!

  * It shows both maturity and respect, and you need to show your partner both of these things if you want more sex.

  * Constantly interrupting without listening never leads to a meaningful, exciting and enlightening conversation. All good build up tools.

  * Good conversations have good healing powers and they resolve issues, and you might well need those healing powers in your relationship. And guess what; you aren't going to have good conversations unless you have good listening skills.

  * Listening well to your partner helps her to vent or express any frustrations, and you'll need her to get these out if she is to relax enough to be in the right place.

  * Communication is a key point in maintaining a great relationship with your partner. Active and effective listening helps with communicating and as a result, will lead you to a better relationship. Hopefully by now though you will understand the need for a good relationship.

Okay, enough already, I get the whole 'why' thing, just get on with the how. Fair enough, in just a second we will, but if you don't believe that listening is important then you could always try this and see where it gets you that night....

Tonight whilst your partner is talking at you try fiddling with your phone, don't maintain eye contact with her, start working out what you are going to say to her in response to what she's said, but do it whilst she's still talking. Then, half way through what she's saying interrupt her to give her your opinion on what you think she's said. Having done that walk off mid conversation to go and do something totally mindless, then come back to the conversation and ask your partner to remind you what it was that she just said because you "can't remember". And finally before your partner has finished speaking finish her sentence for her, that's if she hasn't walked off in a huff already of course.

I'll assume that you haven't actually been so daft as to actually try this, so let's get on with how you can become a better listener...

  * Firstly, maintain eye contact with your partner (though please don't come across like a crazed lunatic and just stare constantly at your partner eyes wide the entire time).

  * Second, don't interrupt your partner or finish her sentences, just stop your ruddy talking.

  * For goodness sake sit still, there's nothing worse than a fidget for thinking that you're not being listened to, just relax and pay attention.

  * Show your partner some signs that you are listening to her, for example...

  * By occasionally nodding your head.

  * By reacting positively to what she's saying.

  * By giving proper answers to your partner when she's asked you a question.

  * By feeding back on what she's said.

  * Women need proper responses, ie well thought out answers that show that you've listened to the words that she's said, and with the words that you speak being longer than "yep" or "humph".

  * Don't rush your partner through what she's saying, either through your words, your facial expressions or your body movements.

  * Lean toward your partner whilst she's talking, and no, I'm not talking 45 degrees towards her, 2 cm from her face, I'm just talking gentle leaning in her general direction.

  * To show that you've listened - repeat any instructions that she may have given to you, and ask appropriate questions if necessary, but only when she has finished.

  * Don't think ahead of your partner, ie actually listen to what your partner is saying rather than half listening to what she's saying and half working out what you are going to say in response. If you need a second to think between what she's said and what you are going to say then that is just fine.

  * For the duration of the conversation put your own needs aside. Your job as a good listener is not to find solutions all the time, instead your job is as a pair of ears only! More than likely most of the time your partner won't want solutions to the issues that she is throwing at you, she will just want to talk them through.

We'll come back to listening skills later on in the course when we get to the daily to do exercises. These will help you get better at them one day at a time, because I absolutely get that there are a lot here to remember and by now you've more than likely forgotten most of them anyway.

Before we move on though I just want to leave you with one more point on this topic - and that is to watch out for what your partner is saying when she is talking with you about something that may be bothering her or if she is complaining. Why do you need to watch out? Well she may not be telling you the whole truth, that's why. And you can learn a lot to help you with what you want simply by listening properly and interpreting what your partner is saying.

Remember too that the words that your partner is speaking at you may only be the tip of the iceberg. She may be saying something like "we could really do with getting the babysitter in more often", which might translate as "the kids are driving me totally nuts and I need way more help with them", ie you just may not get the truth the whole time and you'll need to do some internal interpreting. So just go careful, and do some processing out of what your partner is saying to you.

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Summarizing Day 5

Wow, that was quite a lot today, I'll give you that. Let's recap on what we've covered off...

  1. I started off by making the very sensible suggestion that you quit asking your partner if she's come? when you have sex.

  2. What worked with your last partner in bed might not work with your new partner. I'm using the word 'new' in a very loose sense of the word of course. She might be 10, 20, 30 years+ new! But it's quite possible that you might still be using old sex ideas that worked well all that time ago.

  3. Don't use sex as a tool to mend other, broken, areas of your relationship.

  4. Remember that you being given a blow job is not permission to come in her mouth! Apologies again for the bluntness, but it will likely not go down particularly well with your partner.

  5. Your partner's clit is neither (a) a magic button or (b) a miniature cock. It will need very different handling to your penis.

  6. If you are putting pressure on your partner to go on the pill then stop it. At least be open to the idea of discussing it with her first, don't just make the assumption that she's okay with it.

  7. Whether you are getting sex or not, do not criticize it, and that includes putting any pressure on her to be 'wet' for you. It will not help your cause, at all.

  8. Keep a check on yourself daily - don't, whatever you do, go back to doing any of the stuff that I've recommended that you stop doing. You will only go backwards in this process if you do.

  9. If you start enriching your partners life with a little of what she wants and needs then she should be way happier, in theory, to start enriching your life with a little of what you want and need, ie sex.

  10. Think of sex like putting up a skyscraper; all of the stop it now's that we've covered are your planning permission, and the start it now's are the skyscrapers very important foundations, and it's steel superstructure to keep it upright and together.

  11. Being 'connected' to your partner outside of the bedroom is very important to helping her want to get connected to you inside of the bedroom. 'Connecting' is something that you do daily.

  12. If you can remember and bear with the fact that women do not need to have a purpose for a conversation, like you probably do, then you'll be doing yourself a lot of favours. Just talking with your partner builds the connection between you both, and being connected is really, really important for ensuring that your partner is in the right place for sex with you.

  13. Become a better listener to get more sex... that's right. When you are chatting with your partner listen to her well. I won't go back over the listening skills here, we will get to them again when we hit the daily connecting tips, so for the moment all you need to remember is that listening to your partner =AN IMPORTANT THING TO DO.

Day 5 Exercise's

You'll be glad to know that there isn't quite as much homework today...

Exercise 1

The first exercise is only really relevant the next time you have sex, and it is this; if you normally ask your partner if she's come? after sex. Then stop it. Worry not though, because later on we'll get to some tips, ideas and tricks you can try so that you can help make her come yourself, and secondly we'll get to some pointers you can watch out for to know if she's turned on or not.

Exercise 2

Today have a good think about what I said about not using sex as a tool to mend other broken areas of your relationship. Now this might absolutely not apply to you, but if it does then go careful. Perhaps consider just not having sex for a while until you've applied the suggested stop it now's. ie fix the relationship first, then get back to the sex later.

Exercise 3

Today, and from here on in, if you have been doing any sort of criticism of the sex that you either have or indeed haven't been having, and that needs to also include you putting pressure on her to be wet for you - then I need you to stop this please - TODAY. It's jolly simple really.

Exercise 4

From here on in, daily, you need to be checking in with yourself. You need to be making sure that you aren't doing any of the stuff that I've suggested that you stop doing.

Exercise 5

Imprint into your brain the following, and do it by repeating it at least 17 times over the course of today please... if you start enriching your partners life with a little of what she wants and needs then she should be way more open to the idea of starting to enrich your life with a little of what you want and need, ie sex.

Exercise 6

Today I'd like you please to remember that connecting with your partner = A VERY GOOD THING. So, with that in mind, and from here on in, when your partner says that she wants to 'talk with you' don't roll your eyes, and instead remember that (a) by talking you are connecting and (b) actually sit down and talk with her. Even if you just try it a few times to see what occurs. Just please give it a try.

Exercise 7

And when you are talking with your partner today I want you to practise the listening skills we discussed earlier. I don't expect you to remember all of them, there were a lot there. When we get to the daily to do exercises we'll practice all of the listening skills regularly, so just do what you can, remember what you can from what you've read and observe the difference that listening well makes to your conversation and to your connection with your partner.

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What's next: Weeks 2-8

Well done for getting to the end of week 1. In a moment you'll get to the two appendices included in this weeks eBook; "Causes of low sexual desire" and "Talking about sex with your partner". Before we do that though let's take a quick look at what we'll get to in the eBooks for weeks 2, 3, 4 and 5-8.

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**"** The Get More Sex, Get Better Sex Course - Week 2 **"**

Days 6-8: In week 2 we start looking at the 'Start It Now' suggestions. The first 2 days of week 2 continues to look at more suggestions for things that you should start doing if you want more sex. Having taken you down a peg or two with all of the 'Stop It Now's', these 2 days will continue to build you back up. We cover topics that will help you get more such as; creating a connection with your partner, becoming a good listener, appreciating and valuing what your partner does for you, your household and your family, giving your partner your time and helping out around the house. And for the non-believers we bring each suggestion back to why you purchased the course in the first place – ie why each of the start it now suggestions will help you get more sex.

Day 8: On day 8 we look at 20 self-improvements which will help you look better to your partner both mentally and physically - which will assist you on your journey to getting more sex. Topics such as; becoming more of an old romantic, sorting your wardrobe, becoming a flirt with your partner, hygiene and looking after yourself, for example. Day 8 also sees the introduction of the 'Getting better at sex' tips, 61 of them in total, which from day 8 onwards will be given to you two tips per day until the end of the course.

Day 9: On day 9 we start looking at how you can get your partner to start thinking about sex with you more. This is a key step in the process. Today is all about introducing and getting you going with this seriously important concept. We also start looking at what I call the 'Daily tasks', these are the things that I suggest that you should be doing daily in order to make it way easier for you to get sex when you want it. From this point on in the course the daily tips are given to you two per day in order to make it easier for you to learn and practise them in the exercises.

Day 10: On day 10 we start looking at the suggested weekly to-do's, mainly getting you working on the concept of having regular 'date nights' with your partner as a way of reconnecting and giving you the perfect opportunity and conditions for you to initiate sex. You'll also get introduced to the concept of improving the conversations you have with your partner, giving you suggestions for conversations that will help you to effectively 'chat your partner up', because those normal, dull old conversations that you've been having about who's taking Jemima to ballet, the mortgage and the weather aren't really overly effective seduction techniques.

Two appendices are included in week 2: " Tips for meaningful conversations with your partner" and "Erotic media to get you both in the mood "...

Appendix - Tips for meaningful conversations with your partner: The course makes the suggestion that those normal, dull old conversations that you've been having with your partner are not going to be that great a seduction technique to get her into bed. So this appendix is about how you can have conversations with your partner that will steer you more in the direction of what you're after.

It starts with how you can become a great conversationalist with her, moving on to some great ways to fuel conversations, and finishing off with how not to totally kill conversations stone dead.

The main course covers listening skills and the importance of being a good listener, and this appendix revisits this topic and summarises it.

It covers off some great conversation starters, what I call 'middle' conversation questions, and also some later, more sexual, questions that you can ask. All as a great way of helping to get your partner into bed.

It also looks at ways that you can keep the connection going with your partner through conversation and some very important verbal listening cues which can help you transition your conversations from one type to another and also to assist you incase your conversations run out of steam, because let's face it, empty silences where you don't have a clue what to say to each other are, again, not a great seduction technique.

Appendix - Erotic media to get you both in the mood: The main course suggests that looking at erotic media with your partner is a great way to get her mind into the right place for sex. So this appendix makes a large number of suggestions on erotic media that you can buy, read, watch, listen to or play together. The appendix covers; books (traditional, audio and digital), video (porn which you can both watch together, and a number of suggestions for more traditional films to watch – but with some seriously erotic content), board, card and digital games that you can play, and also some romantic and seduction music suggestions.

**"** The Get More Sex, Get Better Sex Course - Week 3 **"**

Day's 10 to 11: In day 11 we keep going with what was started in day 10 - looking at the suggested weekly to-do's, and keeping going with the concept of having regular 'date nights' with your partner as a way of reconnecting and giving you the perfect opportunity and conditions for you to initiate sex.

Days 12 to 13: These two days are all about giving you some suggested monthly to-do's. We look at some regular monthly to-do's that you really ought to be doing whatever, a number of suggestions that will give you great opportunities for sex and finally some that will more than likely lead to sex.

Day 14: Today is about just two topics; firstly how you can create opportunities for sex with your partner, and secondly how you can spot good opportunities for sex with your partner.

Day 15: On day 15 we start looking at how you can get your partner into bed when you want to, how you can start to call the shots! You'll get introduced to the process of how to relax, then romance your partner and how you undertake a little foreplay on her mind.

Appendix - Getting better at sex: This appendix gives you all 61 of the 'Getting better at sex' tips in one place. In the main course the tips are spread out, two per day from Day 8 onwards, so this appendix exists to make it easier for you to review all of the tips in one place. They are categorised, so you can find the tips you want a lot easier.

**"** The Get More Sex, Get Better Sex Course - Week 4 **"**

Days 16 to 17: These 2 days continue looking at how you can get your partner into bed when you want to, including looking at what we call 'Foreplay stage two – working on her body' and 'How to initiate sex with your partner'.

Day 18: Today is all about how you can keep it going. You've spent 17 days working hard to get your learning up to scratch, so today is around giving you some tips on how you can keep the momentum going so that you can keep on getting more of what you want.

Day 19: Day 19 is there just incase none of what you've tried so far has helped you to achieve your goal of getting more sex. Today we look at a step by step checklist of what you can do if nothings worked so far. If it has all worked then you can skip day 19's main content and go straight to the exercises for the day.

Day 20: On day 20 the main course content has concluded and we start concentrating purely on the exercises.

Appendix - Massage: The 'Massage' appendix covers two main topics; erotic massage and Swedish massage. The appendix gives you a step by step guide on how to give your partner these two very different types of massage.

Erotic massage is covered because this is a great way to get your partner into the right place for sex.

It also covers Swedish massage because this is a really good way to get all touchy feely with your partner and to help her relax. And both of these things are very useful to you in order to help get you more of what you want.

Appendix - Scripts: The 'Scripts' appendix is split into two parts; part 1 is a detailed walk through seduction scenario who's primary purpose is to help you bring the learning together that you've read in the main course. It is a walk-through of the entire process of creating opportunities for sex with your partner, and we look at one detailed scenario where you are essentially setting up to seduce your partner into bed. Part 2 looks at some fantasy / role play ideas which can help your sex lives in the following ways; they are a great way to help you both to more easily communicate your sexual desires, they very effectively remove most, or all, of the communication issues such as embarrassment or shyness, fear of hurting your partner's feelings, or an inability to identify you or your partners needs and desires and they can help spice things up a bit and make things that little bit more exciting, thereby helping to get you both back into bed that little bit more easily next time.

**"** The Get More Sex, Get Better Sex Course - Weeks 5-8 **"**

Days 21 to 38: For the remainder of the course it's all about the exercises. You'll be given an average of around 7 exercises to work on every day to cement your learning on the topics that you will have covered in the main course, such as; getting better at sex, the daily to-do's, how you can build a connection with your partner, spotting good opportunities to initiate sex, boosting her self-esteem and your self-improvements.

Appendix - Become an oral sex god: This is an entire appendix on getting good at going down. The course makes the suggestion that pleasing your partner when you get her into bed is a great way to keep on bringing her back to the bedroom, and that pleasing your partner with some mind blowing oral sex is a great way to give her that pleasure! This appendix is structured in much the same way as the rest of the course and aims to make it easy for you to get good at what is quite a tricky thing to do well.

Appendix - Quick reminders: As you may have noticed the course is pretty lengthy, so this appendix exists to make it easier for you to quickly and efficiently review the topics that have been covered and the suggestions that have been made in the main course. It's a 5,500 word summary of the whole course which, if you need speedy reminders of some of the suggestions or processes having completed the course and you don't want to make the time to go back through the whole thing again then this is a great way to get a quick summary of all of the tips.

These eBooks are available on the Smashwords website at...

<http://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/getmoregetbetter>

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Appendix – Causes of low sexual desire

This course works primarily on (a) fixing relationship issues that may be stopping your partner wanting as much sex as you and (b) how you can help your partner get into the right place to desire sex with you. What it doesn't cover in the main body of the course however is other possible reasons why you may not be getting as much sex as you'd like. I'm going to refer to these other possible reasons as 'causes of low sexual desire'. These might be issues that you can't 'fix' through changing your behaviours or improving your relationship because they are medical issues, or issues from your partners past, for example. I detail these here to help you get you that little bit more informed. Perhaps you've tried everything in the course and it simply hasn't worked, in which case this is a great place to start in your quest for answers.

The list of possible causes of low sexual desire is quite a long list! And it's not there to scare you, although it probably will! as it's potentially possible to apply a good number of these issues to your partner. So I simply list them here for the reason that if you understand the possible reasons it will ensure that you are better equipped to help both you and your partner deal with and get past the issues. The list is ordered alphabetically.

Before we begin – a disclaimer - all content provided within this appendix is for general information only, and it should not be treated as a substitute for the medical advice of your own doctor or any other health care professional. The publishers disclaim any responsibility for the accuracy of such information and opinions and are not to be held responsible or liable for any diagnosis made by anyone using this information. You and your partner should always consult your doctor if you are in any way concerned about either your or your partner's health.

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Abuse as a child; sexual, physical, or emotional

The number of children that are either sexually abused or molested in the world is quite high. Most topics in this appendix are beyond its scope, including this one, but if your partner has suffered with this in her past you may need to assist her with finding other forms of professional help. If this has happened to your partner she may...

  * Still carry the traumatic experiences with her.

  * Have unresolved feelings about these experiences that are seen in your relationship.

  * Have a hard time leaving the experiences in the past.

  * Find intimacy unappealing and potentially threatening.

  * Have flashbacks during any sexual encounter with you.

  * Find that sex is something that she would prefer to avoid rather than pursue.

Alcohol

In its mildest form drinking too much alcohol can make you both sleepy and can reduce sensitivity to touch. Alcoholism, either on your part or that of your partner would, obviously, be a cause of lack of sexual desire. If you have issues with alcohol and your partner doesn't then this would put your partner off of you generally, let alone wanting to have sex with you. And if your partner had issues with alcohol then likewise that could well cause a lack of sexual desire.

Anger

Your partners anger towards you

If your partner has anger towards you then please consult this topic on day two of the course as a first step. But to note that anger is absolutely a first class desire dampener.

Your anger towards life and towards your partner

Again the topic on day two of the course will help with this, but please know that being an 'angry' person is not a good thing to be when trying to successfully seduce your partner, but also for a successful, loving, intimate relationship generally.

Anti-depressant drugs

Research on antidepressant drugs, or "Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors" (SSRI), which include drugs such as Prozac (fluoxetine), Paxil (paroxetine), and Zoloft (sertraline), has concluded that adverse sexual side effects with the drugs may be much more common than originally believed. So, if your partner is on an SSRI and you're having issues with your sex life, or your partner has an inability to get aroused or difficulty reaching orgasm, then it's a possibility that the medicine might be to blame. If this is the case then you should both be talking with your partner's doctor about it.

Anti-histamines, drug

A less well known side effect of some allergy drugs with antihistamines is depression. The sedatives in antihistamines can potentially make any existing feelings of depression worse. And if an allergy medicine that your partner is on has that depressive effect then obviously it can also decrease her sex drive. Of course, the allergy itself could also be so severe that it's dramatically reducing your partners desire for sex with you, but if you suspect that her low libido is as a result of the allergy drugs then the first thing to do is to talk with your doctor about it. He or she may be able to suggest allergy treatments that won't affect your partner's mood.

Antihypertensives

First off what are an "Antihypertensives"? - they are a class of drugs that are used to treat hypertension (high blood pressure). Research has found that whilst taking antihypertensive drugs patients have reported both a reduction of sexual desire and issues with sexual intercourse. If your partner is taking such drugs and has a lower sexual desire then the best person to discuss this with in the first instance is your doctor.

Bad experiences in the past

Painful memories of past sexual, physical or emotional abuses can be a cause of low sexual desire in your partner, see above topic titled 'Abuse as a child; sexual, physical, or emotional' for more detail. Other experiences from your partner's past that may have traumatized her can potentially trigger bad feelings that have lasting effects. Your partner may not even be aware of the extent to which past negative experiences have affected her emotionally. She may...

  * Not enjoy being touched by anyone, let alone you.

  * Have a hard time letting her guard down and relaxing with you.

  * Experience flashbacks to the event/s in question which could be seen during sex with you.

  * Potentially even fear any intimacy with you at all.

  * Have feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety and / or anger as a result, all of which may dampen sexual desire.

Okay, that's in the past, let's look forward...

  * These feelings don't have to hold your partner as a prisoner.

  * Your partner can absolutely do something about them by finding professional help.

  * It's quite possible that she may feel ashamed to talk to anyone about what has happened to her in the past but you can help her too; by not allowing this shame to hold her back.

  * There are plenty of very well trained therapists out there that are more than capable of helping your partner get over unresolved feelings that could be the cause of low sexual desire.

  * Likewise – don't assume that any past, bad, experiences are the cause of low sexual desire. There are many other possible reasons why your partner experiences low sexual desire that could have absolutely nothing to do with any issues in her past.

  * If you can assist your partner by helping her to see that the most important thing is not what has happened, but the meaning that she has assigned to it, then that should assist matters. But professional help is still the best course of action.

  * Try not to let your partner label herself as "damaged goods" just because of past issues, and don't you label her the same either – she doesn't have to let those experiences define her.

  * Don't let your partner waste another day thinking about it. Go and assist her in getting some help and don't either you or your partner give up.

Birth control drugs

The jury is definitely out on whether or not oral contraceptives decrease the desire for sex. Some studies have found links between oral contraceptive use and decreased levels of 'androgens' (the class of hormones, including testosterone, that are thought to drive both male and female sexuality). However - few of the studies have actually been conclusive. The results in the tests have varied widely – in some women libido went up, in others it stayed the same, and in others it went down! What is fairly widely known is that oral contraceptives alter a woman's natural estradiol fluctuations (this is the group of hormones which includes estrogen), which is considered to be a primary source of the female libido. Either way – if your partner thinks that her sex drive is being affected by the oral contraceptives that she's taking then go talk with your doctor together, because when she's on the pill, her hormonal balance will change and consequently, so might her desire for sex.

Birth control, generally

First off please remember that both you and your partner have joint responsibility for birth control. There is a possibility that issues surrounding birth control methods and practises could well be affecting sexual desire in your partner. Here are some issues to watch out for when considering whether or not the method of birth control that you are using is affecting sexual desire...

  * You may be expecting your partner to do too much in terms of the birth control methods that you both have in place.

  * Have you spent enough time talking with your partner about the method of birth control that you both use?

  * There may be something that she is not happy about with the method that you are both using that she doesn't feel that she can easily discuss with you.

  * You may not be sticking to the method of birth control that you have both agreed upon. If it's condoms for example, remember that you need to be putting the condom on from your 'first thrust to your last' as a minimum.

Body Image

We've covered body image on day two of the course, but we'll take a quick look here again, though I'd recommend either actually reading this topic if you haven't already or re-reading it if you have – why? Because poor body image is a definite desire dampener and you can help your partner in order to help yourself. Here's where she might be at currently...

  * Most women are experts on their obvious, as well as their not as ¬obvious, body flaws. Your partner might feel shame and disgust at her own body and could therefore be avoiding being naked with you as a result.

  * She may find that all sexual experiences are filled with anxiety and embarrassment.

  * She might think that her breasts and other body parts are too little or too big and therefore she'll have a hard time relaxing when naked with you because she's so self-conscious about her bod.

The following may help you to help her take a 'crash course' in self-acceptance so that she can do something to change things...

  * For a start she's in good company because countless women feel exactly the same way.

  * You can remind her that you aren't complaining about her body (you aren't are you?), that you love it (you do, don't you?), and that she is her own worst critic.

  * You can help her to focus on her good points, and help her find ways to flaunt these good points. Focus on the parts of your partner's body that you find attractive and concentrate your compliments on those parts. Find ways to help your partner feel attractive to herself again.

  * Help her to decide to stop striving for perfection and just to be herself.

  * Your partner may assume that you feel the same way about her body that she feels about it – and if you aren't reassuring her that you think she looks great then she's got every reason to believe it!

  * Get some exercise together...

    * Go for walks and hold hands when you do.

    * Join a gym together and then make sure that you both go! Support her efforts to change.

    * When you see your partner making an effort to get in shape or lead a more healthful lifestyle, encourage her to stick to the plan by complimenting her efforts and being affectionate.

  * Help your partner work out what she can change. Help her set goals that she can realistically reach, so that she doesn't keep failing on them and therefore sending herself in a negative downward spiral.

  * Put in some effort yourself too. Your partner will find it easier if she's following your lead.

  * Give her time, be patient - changes will occur slowly – body image problems are rarely fixed overnight.

  * Discourage any critical and pessimistic language that your partner uses when she talks about her body.

  * Be more physically affectionate towards her – this will give her the boost she needs to keep the positive changes going.

Cervix problems

If you partner has an infection of the cervix it will make this area very tender and pain can occur during deep penetration. This is known as 'collision dyspareunia'. If this sounds familiar then your partner should consult a doctor.

Caruncle, urethral

A urethral caruncle is a tender patch that can develop at the urinary opening. Your partner's urinary opening is just above her vaginal opening, so I'm sure that you can see that a urethral caruncle is going to be something that is really not going to help her enjoy sex! A doctor should, obviously, be consulted to help with this issue.

Chemotherapy

If your partner has been diagnosed with cancer and is having treatment for it, including chemotherapy, then this will likely have a profound psychological impact on her ability to feel "sexy" or desired by you. She may not want for intimacy or sexual relations at all, due to; altered body image or the side effects of the treatment. Chemotherapy for example will likely leave her exhausted by the side effects – feeling; sick, weak, depressed, tired and having a complete lack of energy – which in turn will remove desire for sex as well as having related effects on her self-esteem.

Childbirth

Injury caused by childbirth can cause your partner pain and will therefore potentially put her off of sex with you. Examples of the possible issues after labour that can cause pain during sex are...

  * A tear during labour.

  * The episiotomy cut that is often made during labour.

  * Badly healed stitching as a result of a tear or episiotomy cut.

I am sure that you don't need me to tell you that it is also completely normal for women to experience a drop in desire following the birth of a child. The following issues will cause this reduced desire...

  * Tiredness due to the fact that a baby is keeping her up half the night.

  * General physical discomfort after delivery.

  * Prolactin, the hormone that stimulates milk production during nursing can suppress estrogen and testosterone, and a drop in estrogen levels can cause vaginal dryness, making sex with you uncomfortable. There is more on 'Prolactin' in the topics below.

And I'm sorry to say that lots of women have low sexual desire for a number of years after the birth of a child too, not just immediately following birth. The best advice that I can give is for you to hang on in there. Keep supporting your partner, and keep going with your start it now's, make sure you aren't doing any of the stuff that I've suggested that you stop, keep those daily to-do's going, and keep up with your weekly date nights when possible. Keep working at it, keep observing how your partners doing and you will get your sex life back.

Compatibility, sexually

Being sexually incompatible with your partner could be another reason why you aren't getting as much sex as you'd like. Need an example of what 'sexual incompatibility' is? One of you could be into rough sex and the other is into tender sex, and your demands for rough sex are totally putting your partner off of wanting to get into bed with you. What to do about this? Well, assuming that you are absolutely committed to making the relationship work outside of the bedroom, try the following...

  * First – communicate. Read the "talking about sex with your partner" appendix if you need further help on this.

  * Then - compromise and agree boundaries, for example...

  * Your partner might be willing to be tied up and endure a little spanking from you occasionally but she's not prepared to be blindfolded as well.

  * Or she could want you to be tender and loving every other lovemaking session.

  * Just keep communicating, if you want more sex then its imperative that your partner is happy.

Cultural expectations

Deep rooted cultural issues can cause low sexual desire. If during intimate moments with your partner she appears to be feeling bad about herself or ashamed of what she is doing with you then it's quite possible that she is under the influence of any lessons that she may have learnt in the past. Depending on the severity of the issues, and absolutely with the help of a professional, it is possible for your partner to get herself beyond any old issues so that she can relax with you and enjoy sex. Communication is absolutely the right starting point, ie you talking with your partner to understand what she's thinking and feeling. If during those conversations you hear the following sorts of examples coming out then this could be the issue...

  * When she was a child your partner could have been told that sex was a bad and dirty thing. Children believe and readily absorb much of what grown-ups tell them about the world and these ideas may have become a part of your partner.

  * The society that she was bought up in may have made sex less than enjoyable, she could have had religious training, for example, that told her similar things.

  * The following common sexual myths may have been passed down through cultures and from generation to generation:

    * Masturbation is a bad thing.

    * 'Good girls' don't have sex.

    * Men who desire sex are 'macho', but girls who want sex are 'easy' or 'slutish'.

    * Sex is for the purpose of procreating only, it is not something that is there to be enjoyed.

    * Women shouldn't appear to be too interested in sex.

Dryness, menopausal or post-menopausal

An inability for your partner to self-lubricate due to a fall in female sex hormones, and the resultant anxiety around this, can cause low sexual desire. See 'Lubrication, lack of' and 'Menopause' for more information. Sex lubricants and / or treatment with hormone replacement therapy can help to put matters right. So, as usual, talk through your issues and concerns with your doctor as a first port of call.

Drugs

Drugs that may have an effect on sexual desire are detailed in this appendix in alphabetical order by drug name or type. If you cannot immediately see a drug in this list that your partner is taking that you are concerned about then consider checking each topic in this appendix to see if it can be found, and remember that any concerns that you have should also be run past a medical professional.

Disability, physical

The reason that you purchased this course was because you wanted to understand how you could get more sex. And you are reading this appendix because you want to understand more about low sexual desire. It can therefore potentially be assumed that either you, or your partner has a physical disability, and that more than likely your partner has low sexual desire. Entire books have been written about the physical and psychological aspects of disability and sexuality, and because of the range of possible situations of each reader and the likely answers for each - this appendix topic is not going to try to get into any kind of detail. What is worth noting however is that if your partner has a physical disability then her sexual function or feeling could be limited and she might well have concerns about her body image. She might also be unsure as to how to express her sexuality to you because of a lack of knowledge or physical or cognitive limitations. Western media and culture has instilled firm ideals on how women should look, and if your partner has a disability she could feel unattractive or less worthy of a sexual relationship because she may not be able to live up to the idealised image. If she acquired the disability later in her life, she might remember how she used to look and might feel unattractive by comparison. As a starting point to get help you could both talk with a counsellor and maybe with other people who have overcome body image concerns.

Depression

It is a commonly known fact that people who are depressed report a loss of sex drive, and that's not too surprising considering that feeling depressed also interrupts your normal sleep patterns, can make you feel listless, unmotivated, weepy and can take away appetite or prompt some serious overindulging. This course definitely isn't the place to tackle such a complex issue, that has a great number of answers, but if your partner is depressed and has lost her sex drive the following may help, though it is of course the right thing to do to ensure that your partner visits a medical professional to get help to get back onto the right track...

  * If your partner has been feeling down for several weeks, or indeed for longer, then it's a possibility that she might be clinically depressed.

  * If your partner is feeling low then at this time more than most she will need your love, support and closeness – even if you find it hard to show it.

  * If your partner is depressed she may potentially be the last one to recognize it.

  * She could be defensive if you express concern.

  * Have a read of the topic in this appendix on antidepressants, and when you visit a medical professional to get help be aware that many antidepressant drugs can themselves cause sexual dysfunction that can lead to a lowering of sexual desire. Help your partner to choose her treatment options carefully so that matters aren't made worse.

Diseases, chronic

Not unsurprisingly a large number of diseases can be the cause of low sexual desire. It is beyond the scope of this book to go into every possible medical condition in order to give you answers, so if your partner has an underlying medical condition that you think could be the cause of her low sexual desire then seek professional help to understand the issues and what you can do to help her.

Dyspareunia

If your partner has a sexual pain disorder, it may be categorised under the general term of "Dyspareunia". Dyspareunia is basically "painful sex", but in layman's terms it is a "recurrent or persistent genital pain that accompanies sexual intercourse". If your partner has Dyspareunia then this isn't going to help the frequency of you getting more sex. So, why would your partner have Dyspareunia? There are loads of possible causes, and fortunately for you (and your partner!), many of them aren't too serious, but included throughout this appendix are a few of the possible ones. More often than not treatment should start with a trip to the doctor, and the doc will start with the question "is the pain deep inside you? Or is it near the outside?" Your partner deciding which it is prior to your visit can help sort out what's wrong a whole lot quicker.

Ectopic pregnancy

If your partner has had an ectopic pregnancy then it's very likely that you don't need me to explain here what this is. What you need is an understanding of why it could be causing low sexual desire in your partner. There are a number of possible reasons, but remember also that you need to be discussing the issues with a professional medical practitioner...

  * The fear of having another ectopic pregnancy could be putting your partner off having sex with you.

  * This very speedy loss of a pregnancy can have a massive impact on your partner generally and she may find coping with everyday life difficult for a while, let alone even thinking about sex.

  * Your partner will need time to grieve, cry, and very importantly to talk with you about the emotions she is feeling.

  * It may help her to have a support group to talk to, with other parents in it, who have had a similar experience. At such a support group she may get the opportunity to talk with other mums about when they got their sex drive back.

  * While she is recovering you cannot expect too much of her.

  * It is very important to talk to each other and to be aware of each other's feelings, which includes not rushing back into sex until you are both ready.

Endometriosis

Endometriosis is a common disorder which can affect the womb and surrounding tissues. It can make these two areas tender, and particularly so when it is near your partners monthly cycle. Endometriosis can potentially cause low sexual desire through the desire to avoid pain. Pain? Your partner may feel pain because of the pressure of your penis on an area of endometriosis. If felt, this pain can be a pretty intense, deep pain, so it's not too surprising if this puts your partner off wanting to leap into the sack with you. Endometriosis can be difficult to treat, with the aim of treatment being to ease the symptoms so that the condition does not interfere with your partner's daily life. Treatment can be given to relieve pain, so talk with your doctor about the issues and what can be done about them.

Forgiveness, lack of

Forgiveness is covered in a number of areas of the course, so if you are concerned that your partners lack of sexual desire for you is down to the fact that she is finding it mighty difficult to forgive you for something then I would suggest that the first step for you is to go and read the 'Forgive and Forget' section on day 6, to follow day 6's exercises, and finally to read the topic on 'Arguing' on day 7. Having done that, the following may also be helpful to you...

  * First off, stop doing the stupid thing that caused your partner to find it mighty tricky to forgive you. If you don't stop it then you've only got yourself to blame for your rubbish sex life.

  * If your partner is finding it difficult to let go of the bad feelings that usually accompany your arguments or she's keeping score, then secondly I would suggest that you need to take a good hard look again at all of the stop it now's and reconsider them and how they may be affecting your relationship, remembering that in the majority of cases: bad relationship = rubbish sex life.

  * If you've done something horribly unforgiveable, I don't know, a spot of infidelity perhaps, then don't expect your partner to easily let go of that kind of issue, and definitely expect your partners desire for sex with you to disappear sharpish.

  * When you've been a good boy and you are implementing your stop it now's then give your partner time to forgive. Her letting go of whatever it was that you did and moving on from it may be incredibly challenging for her, and intimacy will obviously suffer as a result.

  * And if having stopped all the stop it's and given her time she still isn't forgiving you and her sexual desire for you hasn't come back then it's time to get some professional help for you both, probably in the form of a marriage or relationship guidance counsellor.

Foreign body in the vagina

Such an issue may require the help of a doctor, but the most common reason for this one is a tampon that has been forgotten which could be causing your partner pain, especially if it leads to an infection, and I'm sure that you don't need me to tell you that pain in that area isn't going to help with your partners desire for sex.

Fatigue

We've covered fatigue, or tiredness, in quite a number of places in the course, and not unsurprisingly really, because it's right up there on the list of causes of low sexual desire. Most people have pretty hectic lives these days, whether you're male or female, and especially if you have children. Your partner may be doing a lot of the childcare, working full time, cooking, cleaning, taxying various people around to a multitude of activities and events, paying the bills, looking after aging parents, etc. the list could go on for quite a while (there's a longer list in the main course if you want to see even more). So it's not really surprising that adding 'having sex' to that long list of to-do's can make it feel like just another one of those things that your partner has to tick off a list. The whole of the course is designed to help with this kind of issue, so I'm not going to repeat it all here, but this is a good starting point and a wakeup call... If you're only trying to get sex with your partner when it's late and she wants to go off to sleep so that she gets enough shuteye to prepare herself for the next hectic day then please realise that this probably isn't a good time to try and get some. Now go read the following topics in the main course for more information and to get you some help with this issue...

  * 'Checklist before you even think about bothering to try to initiate sex'

  * 'Spotting good opportunities to initiate sex'

  * 'Creating opportunities to have sex'

Guilt

Guilt? Who's guilt? Your partner's guilt that's who. It's confusing, it seems slightly mad and it's a totally vicious circle - but your partner may well feel guilt that she has low sexual desire, and that guilt in itself could be pushing her away from you. If this is happening then it may help your partner to feel better about her low sexual desire if you can help her understand that it's not her fault that she's got low sexual desire, that it's just a biological thing that she can't help and that that's just the way it is. This may help to remove the guilt and the pressure she may be feeling about it and help to start on her way to improving things.

Grief, over a loss

Grief can come from a variety of sources – the death of a loved one, a relative, a friend, a pet, the loss of a job or the breakup of a relationship that's important to your partner. The grief that your partner may feel as a result can range from nothing, right up to all consuming or totally incapacitating. Grief can take a variety of forms from intense sorrow, to anger to an all body numbing effect. If your partner has had a loss of some kind and she's grieving for that loss then you will just have to give her time because all of this will more than likely be totally zapping her interest in sex, and understandably so. If it takes a really long time for her to come back to normality then she may need professional help to get over the loss.

Haematoma of the clitoris

A haematoma of the clitoris is a bruise (or a collection of blood) in the clitoris. It can be caused by excessive friction. This will nearly always get better within a few weeks, but will obviously cause your partner to want to go very careful of this area whilst it resolves itself, and therefore it may put her off of anything that could potentially cause her further pain.

Hysterectomy

Studies have shown that in more than a third of cases having a hysterectomy does reduce sex drive. These studies have also shown that the loss is related to the type of hysterectomy that was performed. In radical and total hysterectomies, for example, the ovaries are removed which can be detrimental to sex drive because the ovaries function to secrete estrogen and androgen (a hormone linked to sex drive). If your partner has recently had a hysterectomy it is, of course, vital to talk with her doctor about sex post hysterectomy. But the following may help you as her partner...

  * You should absolutely be following the advice of your partner's doctor of course – but as a guideline you will likely be told that you should wait for at least 4-6 weeks after surgery before sex can take place.

  * One of the main emotions your partner may feel after surgery is fear. Thinking about initiating sex after such a major operation may leave your partner feeling apprehensive. It is only normal that she may worry about hurting herself or the pain that she might experience - but once her doctor has said that it is okay to initiate sex, she should not worry about it as she will have had plenty of time to heal.

  * It may take a few months before she will enjoy sex again. Her abdomen may feel bruised or sore and her vagina may have shrunk.

  * Dryness as a result of a deficiency of estrogen is a common occurrence when ovaries are removed. So artificial lubrication may be required.

  * Be aware that there may also be a loss of sex drive after surgery. It does not mean that there will be a loss of sex drive forever, but there may well be a decline in her sexual desire for you from what it was before the hysterectomy.

  * Your partner's doctor may be able to prescribe hormone replacement therapy to replace the hormones lost by the removal of ovaries.

  * It is essential to keep talking with your partner so that you can both communicate about what you are going through. Her sharing information with you will help you to understand her physical and emotional needs.

Hormones

Okay, first off what is a hormone? In its basic form it's a chemical. Hormones are released by a cell or a gland in one part of the body which then sends out messages that affect cells in other parts of the body.

These messages, the hormones, that are being sent out will affect how your partner thinks, feels, and behaves. There are different hormones which control a wide array of essential body functions, including energy level and reproduction, but the following hormones are thought to be partially responsible for controlling sex drive in women:

  * Estrogen is a primary female hormone. Low levels of estrogen can have a big impact on sex drive, but your partner could also experience dryness that can lead to painful intercourse if you aren't using artificial lubricants and she may have unstable mood and sleep patterns. Estrogen helps to regulate her monthly periods, controls the development of female sex organs, and thickens the lining of the uterus to support pregnancy. When your partner is approaching menopause levels of estrogen begin to decrease dramatically. When estrogen levels become so low that the lining of the uterus stops thickening, menopause occurs. For more on menopause see the topic below.

  * Testosterone you may well think of primarily as your hormone. But – it is also made by, and is important to, women. We look in more detail at testosterone in the topic below titled 'Testosterone'.

  * Like estrogen, progesterone is another female hormone that helps control the menstrual cycle and support pregnancy. We look in more detail at progesterone in the topic below titled 'Progesterone'.

  * Prolactin – see more on this hormone in the topic below titled 'Prolactin'.

In summary then...

  * There is a good, natural, explanation for your partner's moodiness and tender breasts that occur around her time of the month – it's not just her being a pain in the backside.

  * During her time of the month she may well see life through some really not nice eyes: you could appear to be a totally rotten git for example (when you actually aren't), your children apparently won't appreciate a single thing that your partner does, her job might be hellish, her friends will disappoint her. But afterwards, miraculously!, everything may become just fine! Clever, but devilishly naughty things those hormones.

  * Levels of hormones fluctuating in your partner may be one of the reasons that she isn't sexually inclined. She could, for example, have below normal levels of testosterone, which as you may have seen if you read the 'Testosterone' topic below helps to regulate sex drive, without which her sexual desire can fade or become non-existent.

  * Try not to make the mistake of incorrectly assuming that something is horribly flawed with your marriage or relationship if things aren't quite right in the bedroom, it could simply be those naughty little hormones playing havoc with your partner. Even George Clooney walking into the room may not help the desire for sex in a woman with a testosterone deficiency for example.

Infections, vaginal

Vaginal infections are very common in women and will absolutely affect your partner's desire for sex, not unsurprisingly. Your partner's doctor may refer to any vaginal infection as 'vaginitis', which is simply a medical term used to describe various conditions that cause infection or inflammation of the vagina. Vaginitis can result from infections caused by organisms such as bacteria, yeast or viruses, as well as by irritation from chemicals in creams, sprays, or even clothing that is in contact with this area. In some cases, it can result from organisms passed between sexual partners. The most common types of vaginitis are...

  * Candida or "yeast" infections.

  * Bacterial vaginosis.

  * Trichomoniasis vaginitis.

  * Chlamydia vaginitis.

  * Viral vaginitis.

  * Vulvitis.

  * Thrush.

  * Herpes - the blisters from which can be really painful.

  * Non-infectious vaginitis.

This appendix isn't here to be a medical dictionary, so I won't go into each, and in all likelihood all you really want to know is what will affect your partner's desire for sex with you. Obviously, your partner needs to talk with a doctor about any kind of vaginal infection, so he or she can give you more information and so you can get to grips with how long your partners specific issue will take to cure.

Injury

Injury to the vulva or vagina can occur during sessions of rough sex, or potentially even when your partner's vagina is too dry. Rape or sexual assault would also cause injury to this area. 'Dyspareunia' is a term that you might also hear when a medical professional refers to injury in this area. It's a common condition that can affect up to one-fifth of women at some point in their lives and basically refers to painful sexual intercourse due to medical or psychological causes. The causes are often reversible, even when they've been present for a long time. Any pain in the vulva or vagina will obviously be very likely to put your partner off of sex, so be supportive and seek the help of your partner's doctor if the issue continues.

Illegal substances

The effects on sexual desire of illegal substances such as heroin or cocaine are very predictable, but marijuana is the one exception to the rule. The sexual effects of marijuana are still very much unknown. There are two camps...

  * Some women report that they can't have sex without it; that it boosts their desire, enhances enjoyment of sensual touch, helps them feel closer to their partner, and adds to overall sexual pleasure and satisfaction.

  * But others report that they can't have sex at all when stoned, that they lose their sense of connection to their partner and to lovemaking.

In summary – the jury's out, but using marijuana will affect your partner one way or the other, so don't be surprised if it has a negative effect on her libido.

Lubrication, lack of

A lack of lubrication and the resultant painful intercourse will, not unsurprisingly, be likely to put your partner off of sex. Whatever you do though don't go taking it badly if your partner doesn't get wet enough by herself for you to enter her, this will only make matters worse. The following can potentially be the cause of lubrication issues...

  * Your partner's nervousness.

  * Any hang-ups she might have.

  * Her failure to relax – and don't forget here that you play a big part in helping her relax.

  * Unskilled foreplay on your part! Sorry!

  * A medical issue she might have.

  * Her drinking too much alcohol.

  * Potentially medication that your partner might be on could cause the issue – your partner should consult her doctor if she thinks this could be a side effect of taking the medication.

This isn't going to be a guide on how you can help your partner self-lubricate, mainly because the course covers most of the above issues already, and the 'getting better at sex' tip number 50 covers lubrication, so go take a read if you haven't already done so. It covers everything you need to know to get you started on purchasing lube and some ideas on use. Throughout the course, and in the appendix, there are plenty of other tips on its use as well.

Menopause

The menopause will be a very significant event in your partner's life. Let's start by looking at what it is. In summary form it's when...

Your partner's reproductive fertility lifespan ends and she ceases to menstruate. Typically it occurs between the ages of 41 and 59.

So what does this mean for your partner?

  * Her monthly periods will end.

  * She may experience a significant drop in estrogen, which in turn can create a thinning of the vaginal walls and could give her difficulty with lubrication, which could make sex uncomfortable, and therefore less desirable.

  * Thirdly - there will likely be reduced blood flow to her genitals, which can mean she has greater difficulty in getting aroused.

  * She may have greater difficulty achieving orgasm, and they may not be as strong when she gets there.

  * Her body will slow the production of testosterone which could lead to headaches, a general loss of well-being and potentially even depression, all of which will have an effect on her sexual desire.

And what will be the likely impact on you?

  * Research in 1998 found that around 40% of women lose desire during the menopause. If your partner is in this 40% I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that this will therefore affect you too.

  * The difficulties she could potentially experience when lubricating may lead to uncomfortable sex, so get reading that lubrication tip in the main course document.

  * If she has greater difficulty getting aroused and in the mood you'll need to work even harder!

  * If she finds it more difficult to reach orgasm you'll have to work smarter and harder to help her get there.

And just because your partner hasn't hit that age yet where it typically occurs it doesn't mean that the menopause won't affect her just yet. It's not something that just happens all of a sudden, nope, it's something that occurs gradually, starting with something called the perimenopause. This is the term used to describe the menopause transition years, and in women who have a uterus, perimenopause describes the years before and after the final period. That good old research shows that 30 percent of women who reach perimenopausal age feel less sexually inclined during this phase.

Mid Life Crisis

That's right a mid-life crisis! It's not just a male thing! Your partner is perfectly well allowed to wake up one day and decide that she's going to have one too. I'm quite sure that I don't need to tell you what a mid-life crisis is, so let's look at how you might recognise one occurring in your partner...

  * She starts questioning stuff, lots of stuff, even you perhaps.

  * She starts to tell you the bad stuff that's happening to her body a lot more than normal, pointing out wrinkles or grey hairs.

  * She starts talking about her aches and pains to her friends.

  * You'll get signs that she's contemplating whether or not she's happy in life, and whether she's accomplished much.

  * She might question her job, her clothes and her hairstyle.

And what could trigger a mid-life crisis in your partner?

  * The death of a loved one.

  * Your children leaving home.

  * The menopause hitting.

  * Middle age hits, whatever middle age actually is, probably a significant birthday; 40, 50 or 60 perhaps.

  * Or indeed any other significant change or event in her life.

And how might it affect your relationship and your sex life?

  * You might get short shrift from your partner whilst she wonders if your relationship is hindering her life! A spot of shutting down might occur. Both of these things could mean that sex with you isn't that high up on her to-do list.

  * Your partner questioning whether or not she's happy could put you under the microscope. Even the slightest thing that you do wrong could get magnified many times over.

  * I'm sure that you don't need to be told that if she's questioning all of that stuff then you could be on that list too, and if she's wondering whether you are right for her still she is pretty unlikely to want to speedily be jumping into bed with you at regular opportunities.

Motherhood

Pregnancy, childbirth and becoming a parent will bring big changes to both you and your partner's lives, and these changes will definitely have an initially negative effect on your sex lives. Be in no doubt about that. Certainly for a while after a child is born your partner will have a low, potentially even non-existent, desire for sex, so let's start this topic by looking at how motherhood causes low sexual desire...

  * Tiredness – your partner won't be getting much in the way of sleep, and being tired is not a great aphrodisiac.

  * Hormonal changes will occur in your partner once she's given birth - levels of estrogen and progesterone will drop the moment the baby is born and she's expelled the placenta. Why? Because the placenta was the hormone production factory in her body. You can read more about how estrogen and progesterone levels dropping in your partner will affect her desire for sex in the 'Hormones' topic of this appendix.

  * Psychological changes will lower her desire for sex – she's just had this massive change in her life, where everything's new, and she's potentially under a lot of, sleep deprived, pressure. She could experience the 'baby blues' or have postnatal depression. These things will absolutely lower her levels of desire.

  * If she's had a c-section (a Caesarean) then I'm sure you don't need me to tell you that sex isn't going to be right up there on her list of things she'd love to do right now.

  * Your partner may just feel 'changed' – she will very likely feel like a 'Mum' and less like a sexual being.

  * Her once toned body will have lost its original shape and this really won't help make her feel great about herself.

  * Your partner may feel that the new baby satisfies her need for intimate contact for quite a while afterwards, which puts you less in the picture I'm afraid.

  * She's going to be constantly involved with the care of your child, there will be lots of hands on work to do – and this can just produce a total touch overload – which in turn could make additional touching from you undesirable.

  * The fact that she's now attracting less men looking at her as they once did, now that she's pushing a pram down the street will potentially make her feel less sensual.

  * This big change in her life will potentially mean that she re-evaluates who she is and what the future holds for her – whilst she's contemplating these changes the idea of sex may be pushed to one side.

So, what can you do?

  * Exercise patience – obviously you both need to seek the advice of her doctor – but generally a doctor will give her a green light about six weeks after childbirth. However; her genitals and reproductive system may not fully heal until two months after childbirth – and a lot depends on any scars she's got, how sore and tired she is, whether she's having problems lubricating and whether she still has issues with bleeding as well.

  * Don't rush things – you can make matters worse – and putting pressure on your partner will not help - eventually she will start to feel more comfortable with her new identity as a mother and at that point the idea of having sex with you may re-enter her head.

  * Keep communicating – at this important time in her life she needs your support – so keep talking. Ideally you would have spoken with your partner before she gave birth about how sex might be afterwards – and you will hopefully have agreed to both keep talking and letting each other know how you were feeling about things including, of course, sex.

  * Yes, you've potentially been forgotten by your partner, she's too busy with her new responsibilities to pay too much attention to you, she's possibly stopped nurturing you, being affectionate to you, calling you just to say hello and stopped any previous spontaneity – but don't let this crush you. She has not abandoned you, despite how it may feel, this is all perfectly natural stuff. You may feel jealous of this new mini person in your lives but try really hard not to protest about it – because if you do your partner may just sink deeper into her duties as a mum and pay you even less attention.

  * If she is focusing all of her attention on your children and is neglecting all aspects of your relationship then just be patient, don't overact and do keep the lines of communication open.

  * Whatever you do don't shut down – it's hard yes, but instead of shutting down concentrate your efforts on throwing yourself into helping out where you can – with time, patience and some effort on your part she will come back to you.

  * Make sure that you are still important in her life; be a helper not a hindrance and you'll maintain the closeness that's required, that way she'll continue to feel connected to you and in time this emotional bond, strengthened through having children together will potentially be very seductive.

  * Help her get to grips with the changes that are occurring to her – let her know that any feelings she's experiencing are very common.

  * When the time is right, talk with her about making sure, for the sake of your new child, that you make your relationship a priority as well - one of the best things that you can do for your new child is to put your relationship first.

  * When you do get back into sex she will likely need extra lubrication and she will certainly need things to slow down and go much more gently for a while - because it's pretty likely to be somewhat painful for her for a while.

  * If she does experience pain that she can't cope with when making love with you then you absolutely both need to consult her doctor.

Ovary problems

Ovaries can have a number of issues among which are...

  * Cysts – having a cyst on an ovary can cause pain – which will obviously affect your partner's desire for sex with you.

  * Unusually positioned ovary – if your penis hits an ovary which is in an unusual position then she may well feel pain – which will obviously not make her overly keen for more of the same.

Your partner should consult a doctor if she is having issues with her ovaries.

Orgasmic disorders

If you partner has an orgasmic disorder, also known as 'primary orgasmic dysfunction', she may be unable to achieve an orgasm - even after adequate sexual stimulation. Studies have shown that 10 - 15% of women have issues reaching orgasm. 'Secondary orgasmic dysfunction' is another common issue and is defined as 'when a woman has had at least one orgasm in the past, but is currently unable to have one' – past surveys have indicated that this affects 33 - 50% of women. Not unsurprisingly really an inability or difficulty reaching orgasm may well affect your partner's desire for sex. Imagine if you were unable to reach orgasm, would you be as inclined to leap into bed with your partner if you couldn't come?

If your partner is experiencing orgasmic dysfunction then the following factors could have contributed to it...

  * Sexual abuse or rape in her past.

  * Boredom or monotony in your sexual activities.

  * Some prescription drugs, including Prozac, Paxil and Zoloft can have an effect.

  * Hormonal issues such as menopause (see topic above) or chronic illnesses that affect health in general and sexual interest.

  * Medical conditions that affect the nerve supply to the pelvis, eg multiple sclerosis, diabetic neuropathy, and spinal cord injuries.

  * Negative attitudes towards sex such as those learned during adolescence.

  * Shyness or even embarrassment in asking you for the type of stimulation that she needs to bring her to orgasm.

  * A lack of emotional closeness within your relationship.

How to help your partner...

  * If your partner has had issues such as sexual abuse or rape in her past then professional help could assist her in dealing with such issues.

  * If you are concerned about whether or not prescription drugs or medical conditions are affecting your partner's ability to reach orgasm then she should seek the advice of her doctor.

  * You can read more on how negative attitudes towards sex can be tackled in the topic above titled 'Cultural expectations'.

  * Issues such as boredom, monotony and a lack of emotional closeness between you both are tackled by this course in general, so keep reading, and make the effort to implement what you are learning.

  * Shyness or embarrassment issues when asking for what you want are looked at in the 'Talking about sex with your partner' appendix.

Pelvic inflammatory disease

Pelvic inflammatory disease, or PID, is an infection of a woman's pelvic organs. The pelvic organs include the uterus (womb), fallopian tubes, ovaries and cervix. It is caused by infection when bacteria (germs) move up from her vagina and infect her pelvic organs. Many different types of bacteria can cause PID, but most cases are caused by bacteria that cause the two most common sexually transmitted infections - gonorrhoea and Chlamydia. Your partner can get a PID without having a sexually transmitted infection - the normal bacteria found in the vagina and on the cervix can sometimes cause PID's.

Chlamydia is a common sexually transmitted disease that is caused by the bacterium, Chlamydia trachomatis, which can damage a woman's reproductive organs. If Chlamydia isn't treated, there is the possibility that PID can develop. With PID - tissues can become inflamed and can cause pressure when having sex – this in turn can cause deep pains, hence the reason why it is likely to be a cause of low sexual desire.

Prolactin

Prolactin is a hormone, and it's a tricky little blighter. It can potentially affect both you and your partner by decreasing your partners desire for sex. The more Prolactin in your partners body the less that she will desire sex. Prolactin levels can increase having had children as it's a requirement for nursing your new child. For more on how you can help see the topic above titled 'Hormones'.

Phobia of talking about sex

It's amazing really that couples have issues with talking intimately to each other about sex, especially considering the fact that so many things could have happened in your lives together, ranging from years of closeness, through raising children and seeing each other in the most dreadful states (think 'bedhair' first thing on a morning or hangovers the morning after).

If you can communicate well with your partner about sex then your love lives, and your relationship, can improve, dramatically. Any misunderstandings can disappear, for example, you might finally be able to ask for what you want in bed, or your partner might finally tell you how she likes to be touched. There's an entire appendix on this subject, so I won't cover it any detail here – instead make the time to go and read the 'Talking about sex with your partner' appendix.

Pleasure, sex isn't pleasurable

I'm quite sure that you don't need me to tell you that if the sex that you and your partner are having isn't pleasurable, or if its dull or monotonous, then this isn't going to make your partner want more of it. Sorry chaps, but it's way more likely to be a sure fire way of putting your partner off of sex with you. To get more sex your partner has to desire sex, and if it's enjoyable then you stand a way better chance of getting some than if it isn't.

Now fair enough, you weren't programmed at birth to know how to be 'good in bed' or how to turn your partner on; sexual skills and techniques need to be learnt and practised. Throughout this course we look at tips on; how to get better at sex, teaching you skills such as - massage (both sensual and non-sensual), oral sex and erotic media - all of which are covered in detail in the appendices of this course. These things increase the pleasure that your partner will get from sex, and should therefore ensure that she wants to come back for more.

But you've also got to have good communication in your relationship, and yes that's good communication about sex as well as good communication generally. Why? Because being able to talk with your partner about any issues that may occur, as well as what turns you on and what she wants and enjoys in bed is vital to improving things. Along these same lines - if your partner isn't sure what to do in bed or how to turn you on then this could be lowering her sexual desire for you as she could worry what you'll be thinking. To get round this you need to apply a little praise – if your partner does something in bed that you like then let her know how it makes you feel, tell her what it is that you like that she does... "I love it when you..." or "that feels good" or just making the right noises in the right places.

Your partner not knowing how to achieve orgasm can also cause frustration and anxiety, and can put pressure on her. We tackle all the issues around this in the course in a specific order though, I won't be repeating it here. So you need to ensure that you've undertaken the course and not skipped stuff to get to how to tackle this issue.

Progesterone

Progesterone is another one of those clever little hormone things. This one helps control your partner's menstrual cycle and supports pregnancy. The role that progesterone has in female sexual function is still under review, but what is for sure is that changing levels of progesterone are very likely to be involved in some form or another in your partner's sexual behaviour. It has the power to inhibit your partner's desire for, and her enjoyment of, sex. Levels of progesterone in your partner will...

  * ..change when she reaches menopause.

  * ..fluctuate during her menstrual cycle.

  * ..fluctuate during pregnancy.

Resentment, pent up

We look at resentment quite a bit in the main course document, and mainly on day 3, so we won't cover this content again here in the appendix. What I will say though is that your partner resenting you is not a good thing for your sex life, it does tend to be a bit of a desire dampener. Likewise if there is stuff that you resent your partner for then it's very possible that she will absolutely pickup on this which will cause her to ask a lot of questions, and if you aren't answering those questions to her satisfaction then this will also dampen her desire for you. The key stuff to do here is...

  1. To make sure that you're listening to the stuff I suggest that you stop doing, ie all of things we cover in days 2, 3 and 4.

  2. Then having listened to this stuff make sure you're actioning them all – if you are doing any of the stuff I suggest that you stop then this could well be causing your partner to resent you.

  3. To talk, and to keep talking. Communication is really, really important to maintain a great relationship, and as we look at many times in the course - having a great relationship is really important in having a great and regular sex life.

Relationship issues

Having a great relationship is extremely important in having a great and regular sex life. The majority of the course deals with ways in which you can improve your relationship and then ties this back to why improving your relationship in the ways suggested helps to improve the regularity of your sex life. I'm not going to cover how to improve your relationship again here, you absolutely need to be reading the full course to get to the root of this stuff, but what I will stress again is the importance of a great relationship in having yourself a regular sex life. The following may also be useful, but I'll leave the rest to the main course...

  * In order to want sex with you your partner will need to feel good about your relationship.

  * If your partner is upset with you for any reason then her desire to leap into bed with you will doubtless drop somewhat.

  * She could be upset with you for any number of reasons – ranging from simple disappointment right up to full on betrayal and everything imbetween.

  * This appendix contains a lot of potential reasons for low sexual desire – and if you've read them all then you may well be wondering how on earth it is that any female ever wants to have sex! But it could well be as simple as needing some relationship sorting tips and you'll get back on track.

Sexual arousal disorders

Let's start off with a look at how you'd know if your partner had a sexual arousal disorder. If she has a sexual arousal disorder then it's possible that she may display one or more of the following symptoms...

  * She may not feel excitement or pleasure when sexually stimulated.

  * She has problems getting sexually aroused generally.

  * Her libido is low.

  * She has difficulty experiencing the physical sensations of sexual arousal.

What is a sexual arousal disorder?

  * The medical definition of female sexual arousal disorder is usually described as 'a lack of genital swelling and lubrication before and during sex or being unable to maintain swelling and lubrication.'

  * Under normal circumstances, sexual stimulation leads to an increase in blood flow to the genitals, which makes the labia and vaginal wall swell and the vagina to become lubricated. Several neurotransmitters and hormones are released to allow blood to flow to the genitals and help female arousal along. The brain plays a key role — sexually charged images in the brain cause several neurochemicals to be released, including serotonin and dopamine.

So, why might your partner have a sexual arousal disorder?

  * She may be getting inadequate stimulation.

  * Injuries sustained to nerves and blood vessels during a hysterectomy.

  * Because of hormonal changes that occur during menopause.

  * The side effects of medications like chemotherapy.

  * A variety of other medical conditions.

  * Physical, emotional, and cultural issues can all inhibit arousal

  * Difficulties with your relationship.

  * Age – increased stimulation may be required by your partner the older you both get.

  * Emotional or psychological factors, ie depression or resentment.

  * Not being relaxed enough.

What can be done about it?

  * A lack of female arousal is not something your partner (or indeed you) has to live with.

  * The first step is to find out what could be causing the disorder so you can resolve it.

  * A good place to start looking is with your relationship. If it's not in a good place then this could be one possible reason. The course can help you to resolve relationship issues.

  * Once your relationship is in a good place look at how you are stimulating your partner... no offense whatsoever but you probably ought to be looking at how you are arousing your partner.

    * The appendix "Become an oral sex god" in the "Weeks 5-8" eBook looks at how you can stimulate your partner orally – which is by far and away the best way to stimulate her.

    * Have a read of the "Erotic media to get you both in the mood" appendix in the "Week 2" eBook, there are some great film and book ideas in her to get her into the right place.

    * Learn how to and then implement a brilliant sensual massage, it's a great way to get your partner relaxed and turned on.

    * Learn, by heart, the tips in the "Getting better at sex" appendix in "Week 3", there are some great ways to stimulate her in here. Just get reading and learning and then put in some effort to implement.

  * If none of that work's then your partner (and of course you too if you are supporting her) should consult a doctor, and neither of you should feel at all embarrassed to discuss it with whomever you see.

  * Be aware though – that the complicated interplay between neurotransmitters, hormones and the brain can make it quite hard to diagnose and treat female arousal disorders.

Sexual Pain Disorders

See 'Dyspareunia'.

Sexual styles

See 'Compatibility, sexually'.

Stress

I'm sure it won't come as a surprise to you that if your partner is stressed that she won't be quite as keen on sex as she is normally. Let's start by taking a look at how you'd know if stress was the cause of low sexual desire in your partner.

  * Her energy levels have taken a dip.

  * She's not sleeping that well.

  * She's ill fairly regularly – possibly because of a weak immune system due to the toll being taken on her body.

  * She appears tense quite a lot of the time.

  * Any sex you are having isn't as fun as it used to be.

  * She's treating sex with you more as a chore, that something to do that is pleasurable.

If your partner is suffering from stress then I'm afraid that this absolutely isn't the place to deal with how to help your partner sort the stress out, and I'm sure that you don't need me to tell you that stress is one of those full on desire dampeners. It will absolutely take its toll on your partner, body and mind, she will be on overload and sex will likely be the furthest thing from her mind. What you need to be doing is to encourage your partner to consult professional help to assist her in dealing with the stress.

Self-esteem, low

If your partner has low self-esteem then she's unlikely to have the desire or energy for sex, feeling rubbishy about yourself is generally a bit of a dampener on most things, including feeling sexy. We deal with how you can help boost your partner's self-esteem on day 7, and then the course keeps working on self-esteem boosting tips over the course of the daily to-do's. So we won't go into this quite complex topic here, I'd only be repeating content if I did. What I do want to do though is to give you some pointers to work with so that you could easily spot whether or not your partner had issues of low self-esteem...

  * Your partner becomes quite socially withdrawn.

  * She's in quite a bit of emotional turmoil.

  * She lack's social skills and self-confidence.

  * She becomes depressed and/or has bouts of sadness.

  * She has an eating disorder.

  * She struggles to accept compliments.

  * She struggles to be fair to herself.

  * She gets overly concerned about what others think of her.

  * She treats herself badly, but treats others fine.

  * She is reluctant to take on challenges.

  * She is reluctant to trust her own opinion.

  * She expects little out of life for herself.

Testosterone, low

Testosterone is another one of those natty little hormones. You may well think of it as primarily your hormone. But – it is also made by, and is important to, women. Your partner's ovaries will naturally produce testosterone, which is used to help make estrogen. Studies have shown that higher levels of testosterone are associated with increased sexual desire and sexual behaviour in women. And since testosterone levels tend to naturally decline in women after menopause, some researchers believe that low testosterone levels may contribute to the reduction of arousal and sexual response that often occurs in older women.

So how do you know if your partner has a low testosterone level? She'd have to take a test in order to find out, which is absolutely something that her doctor could do for her. And if it turns out that she does then there are ways to increase levels of testosterone in the body, including medications and hormone supplements. Your partner's doctor will be able to discuss these with you both, but, like all medications and hormone supplements testosterone is absolutely not without its risks of unwanted side effects. Your partner taking even small doses of testosterone means that she could experience effects such as; facial hair growth, her voice deepening or problems with acne.

Tiredness

See 'Fatigue'.

Thyroid, underactive

Despite being tiny, around two inches wide, the thyroid gland plays a major role in determining overall health. Even small variations in its function can set off a series of problems that can impact everything from energy level to the body's ability to maintain a healthy weight. You will probably be surprised to find out just how many elements of well-being this little gland can impact.

But when you consider the way that thyroid disorders can impact factors like energy, mood, and metabolism, the connection may begin to make more sense. Hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism can both affect libido, but each tends to impact in a different way.

Hypothyroidism is where the patient suffers with abnormally slow thyroid function – which can make even the simplest tasks in life feel like an impossible challenge. Depression, fatigue, low energy, weight gain, lethargy, and exhaustion are facts of life for many hypothyroid patients. Sexual issues will therefore, not unsurprisingly be a common side effect of hypothyroidism. If your partner suffers with hypothyroidism she may have difficulty achieving and maintaining arousal, probably down to the overall slowdown of the metabolism that hypothyroidism causes.

Though not as common as hypothyroidism, hyperthyroidism still affects a lot of people, many of whom can also experience sexual problems as a result. Hyperthyroidism can, in some cases, have the opposite effect - some patients report sharp variations including, in some cases, sudden increases in sex drive. However many patients actually report a decline in overall sex drive

How you can help...

The relationship between thyroid disorders and sexual health is complex, to say the least, and it is often impossible to predict the way that they will impact each patient. But, if your partner has a thyroid issue then knowing the following may help you to help your partner...

  * Make sure that she sticks to what her prescription is telling her to do – even slightly moving from it can lead to fluctuations that could throw her system off kilter.

  * Keep fit and eat healthily with her - this will help her fight tiredness, improve her self-confidence and it will also help to keep her metabolism in check.

  * Both of you go along to her doctor and talk with the doctor about your partner supplementing her thyroid medication with additional hormone treatments. These could potentially help her balance the fluctuations that can wreak havoc on her sex drive.

  * If the problems persist then you should be encouraging your partner to talk with her doctor, or for you both to consider counselling.

Tranquilizers

Tranquilizers are a common cause of sexual dysfunction. Studies have shown them to be a cause of low libido and low sexual desire.

Vaginismus

Let's start by looking at what vaginismusis – it is defined as...

... _vaginal tightness causing discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or a complete inability to have intercourse_

Here's some other things that you may find useful to know about vaginismus...

  * It is a persistent involuntary spasm of the vaginal wall that interferes with penetration.

  * It can cause deep and superficial pains.

  * These spasms can be so painful that intercourse is very difficult if not impossible.

Let's have a look next at what some of the causes could be...

  * A fear of being hurt.

  * Upbringing – a restricted one, in which the woman was brought up to view sex as nasty or dirty, or that the vagina is narrow and so sex must be very painful.

  * Rape, or childhood sexual abuse.

  * Vaginal infections.

So how can you help your partner?

  * Well, first off its good to know that it's a common misconception that women with vaginismus don't like sex at all. Studies have shown that many women still enjoy closeness with their partners.

  * If your partner suffers with vaginismus she will potentially still get enormous pleasure from everything that you do together, but her enjoyment will absolutely stop if you attempt to penetrate her.

  * It's also good to know that your partner can still reach orgasm if she suffers with vaginismus.

  * Encourage her to seek professional help, starting with a visit to her doctor. The following are possible solutions that may be prescribed...

    * Therapy – she could be taught some self-help techniques to try to resolve the problem.

    * Vaginal trainers - using a technique to relax the muscles in the vagina via a set of vaginal trainers.

    * Relaxation, exploration and touching exercises – this is all about taking things slowly and gently and, when your partner is ready for intercourse, making sure that she is fully aroused before attempting penetration.

    * Pelvic floor exercises – working with a physiotherapist your partner would be taught pelvic floor exercises that could help her vaginismus, such as squeezing and releasing her pelvic floor muscles.

    * Sensate focus - this is a type of sex therapy that you and your partner complete together. It's all about taking things slowly and building up to penetrative sex.

    * Surgery - may be a treatment option for vaginismus. If a condition is causing your partner physical pain during sex, and this is contributing to her vaginismus, then it may be possible to treat the underlying cause of the pain.

Vulvodynia

Vulvodynia, which can also be known as 'vestibulodynia', is a chronic discomfort or pain that's felt in the vulva and the area inside the vulva and the entrance to the vagina and urethra. It is a distressing and long-lasting condition in which the vulva is so sensitive, just touching the area can cause extreme pain.

How would you know if your partner had Vulvodynia? The most common symptoms are burning, stinging, irritation, aching or rawness of the genital area. The pain may be constant or it may only occur intermittently \- for example - when the vulva is touched. The pain may also be felt around the urethra, her anus, the tops of her legs and her inner thighs.

Not unsurprisingly Vulvodynia can cause issues with sexual desire.

Having consulted her doctor the following treatment approaches may be suggested to your partner...

  * Amitriptyline (a drug more commonly used as an antidepressant but also used to treat pain) has been found to be an effective treatment.

  * Other treatments, including other antidepressants and anticonvulsants, have also been used to treat the condition.

  * Under guidance from your partners doctor - creams, lotions and gels (anaesthetic gel's for example) applied to the vulval area can help, as can using lubricants during intercourse.

  * Pain and / or stress management counselling may be recommended.

  * Other advice may be given to help to relieve symptoms and prevent recurrence...

    * The wearing of cotton underwear and loose-fitting trousers.

    * Avoiding certain skincare and hygiene products.

    * Avoiding or limiting exercise which puts direct pressure on the vulva.

    * Avoiding sitting for prolonged periods of time, or the use of a rubber ring to relieve pressure.

Improvement is usually a fairly gradual process, so for you it's important to understand that it can take many months to resolve. So patience will be required.

Vulvitis

Vulvitis specifically refers to inflammation of the vulval area. However, you may also hear the terms vulvitis, vulvovaginitis and vaginitis when referring to this condition.

Warts, genital

Genital warts are small fleshy growths, bumps or skin changes that appear on or around the genital or anal area. Genital warts are the result of a viral skin infection that is caused by the human papillomavirus (HPV).

Occasionally such warts can cause pain, especially if they get infected, which will in turn affect desire.

Weight

Also see 'Body Image' above. If your partner has recently gained weight then this could be a reason for her current low sexual desire. It sometimes feels like the media has a lot to do with this - they are constantly drumming the message into us that; looking, feeling, acting and just being sexy is the current requirement. If we listen to the media – then apparently being overweight and sexy just isn't possible. If your partner is struggling with weight and image issues then, not unsurprisingly this powerful message can easily affect her libido.

How can you help your partner? Well first off the right thing to do is to start by consulting her doctor, preferably both of you together so that there are no secrets between you, and you are supporting your partner. I've just mentioned the biggest and most important thing you can do – support your partner. How? Okay, well let's say your partner is referred to a nutritionist and this specialist has recommended a special diet – if this is the case you need to be as enthusiastic as you can be for her by helping to plan and cook the meals that are suggested. Avoid secretly eating foods that your partner shouldn't be going near, ie massive bars of chocolate, don't talk about what yummy meal you had for lunch [with that lovely rocky road desert all covered in chocolate sauce] and do help her with any weight-related activities that have been suggested – joining a gym for example, running, or going for walks together.

Good communication is also really important – you've got to keep talking – and if this becomes an issue then seeking out the help of a counsellor who is familiar with relationships and weight problems can help you both in being honest with each other and getting to the root cause of issues relating to weight and sex.

Well-endowed partner

If your partner is complaining that your penis is too big then this could well be a cause of low sexual desire. If she isn't used to being with a larger man or if she's had previous problems such as endometriosis or bladder infections then it's quite possible that this can lead to anxiety and tension about sex – which in turn, not unsurprisingly, could lead to her not being overly keen to jump into bed with you. You should absolutely seek professional help to get some assistance in knowing what you can do to help your partner to relieve any tension. Techniques may be suggested for you to limit the depth of penetration, and / or there are devices available to reduce the length of penis that can physically enter your partner's vagina.

Womb problems

There are a number of possible disorders of the womb that can cause deep pain during intercourse, which could in turn put your partner off of wanting to be intimate with you. If your partner is experiencing pain during intercourse then she should absolutely consult her doctor to get further help.

****

Appendix – Talking about sex with your partner
Introduction

Okay, first off, this is crazy isn't it! You've probably spent years with your partner, she knows you better than anyone else, and you know her better than anyone else does, you've both seen each other in some hideous states (think horrendous hangovers from hell here), you may have seen your partner giving birth, you've both had to have conversations about some really serious subjects about everything from mortgages to when to have children, but when it comes to sex it's one of those weirdly tricky things to talk about.

So why do our communications get difficult when we try talking about sex? Well, it's mainly because it's a really uncomfortable topic to be talking about. So it's well worth knowing that very few partners report having discussed sex together at all. You aren't alone if it does make you both uncomfortable.

However, learning how to communicate what you both need, like and dislike in bed is one of the best steps that you can possibly take to have more and better sex.

In this appendix we're going to cover the following topics...

  * We're going to start with looking at why you'd want to communicate more, and better, with your partner about sex. We'll look at what's in it for you.

  * We'll look at ways that you can tell her that you want more sex.

  * We'll also look at ways that you can tell her that you aren't being satisfied by her in bed (without hideously upsetting her).

  * We'll discuss ways that you find out from her what she wants in bed, what her likes and dislikes are.

  * If there's something that you particularly want to try out in bed, but you aren't sure how to ask then we'll also cover that off here too.

  * We'll take a quick look at role plays, and about how to get feedback on what you've tried out together.

So well done for even reading this appendix! It's going to be well worth the effort, just know that this isn't going to be easy and that good communication will take hard work and practice to get right. With that said then – let's get practicing....

Why would you want to talk about sex with your partner **?**

Secondly, let's explore what's in it for you when you start getting good at talking about sex with your partner...

  1. It's a great way to find out what your partner needs are in order for her to want to get into bed with you more often – and that's why you purchased this course in the first place isn't it?

  2. Then, having got her into bed more often it's a great way to find out what your partner needs when she is in bed with you.

  3. You'll learn a huge amount from your conversations about sex with your partner, all of which you can bring to your next sex session to keep on improving, and by keeping on improving she's got even more reasons to want to come back to bed with you.

  4. Not having sex in silence will more than likely make both of you feel a whole load better about your sexual experiences together.

  5. It's very unlikely to destroy the mood – in fact if anything its great foreplay, can be very exciting and it's a great way of making sure that you'll both get what you want in bed. It's not, by any means, a way of ensuring perfection in the bedroom but by sharing what you both like and dislike, what you want to try out and where your respective boundaries are it will give you so much more to work with than your previous silence or just fumbling about in the dark not really knowing what you are doing.

  6. The theory goes that the more you communicate about your sex lives the happier, better and more fulfilled things should get. If you stop second guessing what your partner is thinking when she thinks about sex and have a conversation instead then you can both be way clearer on things.

  7. The more that you can get her to open up to you about what she wants the more she's going to enjoy sex and therefore in theory the more often she will want to come back for more.

  8. By talking with your partner about what she wants in bed the more you are showing her that you care about her pleasure.

  9. If you put in the effort to work on the connection between you both outside of the bedroom then when you are inside the bedroom your partner should be way more receptive to you when you are trying to be intimate with her.

Time the conversation well

Don't try and start the conversation when....

  * You're angry.

  * You're in the middle of an argument.

  * When your partner has just declined your advances, again.

  * You have just had sex, or worse – during sex!

Instead, wait until...

  * You've stopped all of the stuff that I've suggested that you stop in the stop it now's – if you try and start a conversation about sex and your partner is resenting you for a whole load of stuff, or she doesn't trust you, for example, then you aren't going to get the best out of your conversation.

  * Things are calm between the two of you.

  * The emotion has gone out of any situation that you might find yourself in and you're ready to say sensible stuff that won't hurt your partner that you'll then regret later. I know a chap who, during an argument following being rejected for sex, told his partner that he "needed someone with more energy" - not exactly the sort of thing that's going to make your partner instantly jump into bed with you \- so go careful.

  * What you are going to say to her is going to help the situation rather than hinder it – just think before you speak.

  * You are both in a non-sexual context, relaxed and your heads are in a good place about things, ie when you are sat down cuddled up on the sofa.

Some don'ts for your conversation

We'll get to some general tips for your conversation in a moment, but let's look first at some stuff to avoid totally when you are talking with your partner...

  * Don't, whatever you do, tell her how angry and resentful you are that you aren't getting as much sex as you'd like. THIS WON'T HELP YOUR CASE! Being angry will only make your partner chuck a load of barriers up around herself that will take ages to come back down.

  * When you talk with your partner don't criticize her - instead tell her how you're feeling - so rather than "You're punishing me by not giving me sex", or "You're purposefully hurting me when you don't have sex with me" say, "I know that you aren't trying to hurt me, but when we make love as infrequently as we do, I feel as if you're not attracted to me any longer". Saying it this way means you are sharing your feelings, and telling your partner what is in your heart rather than blatantly firing off cannons of accusation at her. If you do it this way you're more likely to be met with sympathy and a compassionate response rather than her defensives going up.

  * I really hope that you'd never be so stupid to do something such as using put downs like; "you've always been rubbish in bed", or "you've never given me a good blow job" – if you have then I'm sorry, but the resulting rubbish conversation and lack of sex that you will get can only be blamed on you.

  * Avoid blame altogether - instead of saying something along the lines of "You make me angry, and that's why I get so mad with you", try something like "I feel angry when you shut down and won't have sex with me and then won't talk with me about it. Could we please talk about what's going on so that we can resolve this situation together?" Remembering to use an "I" statement, rather than a "You" statement can make a huge amount of difference.

  * Whatever you do don't compare your partner's performance or effort in the bedroom with any previous partners you've had. I really, really hope that I didn't even need to say that though!

  * Avoid (like the plague) phrases which could potentially cause offence to your partner, for example - "Why don't you..." or "You never..." – this will only put her immediately on the defensive.

General tips for when talking to your partner about sex

Having looked at some don'ts for your conversation with your partner, let's start getting positive and look at some "do's" – here are some general tips to keep in mind when talking with your partner about sex...

  * Encourage and be positive throughout your conversation.

  * Help your partner to relax and to feel safe when you are talking with her about sex...

    * Be gentle – your partner could feel quite vulnerable when talking about such a delicate matter.

    * Be sensitive.

    * Don't judge her.

    * And never, ever criticize.

  * If you are normally a fairly accusatory type of person then commit to yourself to have a different attitude and approach towards this conversation – remember that finding solutions to problems is the right way to go and that finger pointing and blame are the wrong way to go.

  * As we've looked at already – using "I" statements rather than "You" statements puts the conversation on a way better footing from the off. We'll look at some specific examples when we get to the different possible scenarios shortly.

  * Listen to what she's saying!

    * Employ your active listening skills that you've learnt in the main course when having your conversation. Don't be sitting there thinking of what you are going to say next whilst she's talking to you. If you do then you risk totally missing what your partner has said. It's fine to have a pause after she has stopped speaking in order to think about what you are going to say.

    * If you actually listen then you'll pickup so many great things which can help you understand, move on and improve – so let her speak!

    * If you haven't understood what your partner has said to you then reflect back to her what you think she has said and then she can either confirm that that is what she said or she can clarify it or say it another way.

  * Remember that this is likely to be a gradual process – so you will need to build each other's confidence slowly but surely, your partner may find the whole thing difficult and she could potentially be afraid and / or embarrassed to talk with you about it.

  * If you have to say stuff that may come across as negative then try and go for just one negative for every ten positives – the 10:1 rule. Keep that focus on those all-important positives.

  * Remember to talk with your heart - show her your softer and caring side and she should come out of herself. You do have a softer and caring side don't you?

  * Try to come across as being completely genuine when you talk with her.

  * Before you talk with her have a think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. It's going to be way better to...

    * Approach your partner in a way that will make sense to her.

    * Appeal to her way of thinking, not to yours – ie instead of using the words "get more sex" you might want to use the words "improving our sexual relationship", for example.

    * Think about what might motivate your partner to have more sex with you – think about it from her point of view – you might be saying to her "I need more sex, more closeness with you", and she might be thinking "so what"! Try and package up the request differently for her, make it appealing to her. Think about what is in it for her (no blackmailing though please!). Light her fire instead, get her wanting what you want for herself as well – don't just witter on about what you need.

  * Be a man and name your genitals! Talking about sex can be quite tricky if you haven't given them names or if you are both being too vague.

    * For example – if you are just referring to your partners vagina and clit as "down there" how will either of you ever know what the other is talking about?

    * Be specific instead – use words such as "clit", "vagina" or "cock" – get straight to the point.

    * If you are both really clear then it will help you to get to what you are both saying more quickly and with a whole lot less frustration.

    * If using such words feels awkward or you're being shy about it then get some time on your own where nobody else can hear you and repeat the words out loud to yourself to get you more used to saying them.

    * And if all that is still too awkward give made up names to your genitals – this could even be quite fun! "La La" instead of "vagina" for example – but do remember that you both need to be specific still.

Start a conversation about sex

Now then - I absolutely get that this subject could be difficult, awkward, embarrassing even, but you do just need to bite the bullet and get on with it – just give it a try, what's the worst that can happen? Start by breaking the ice and then just going for it...

  * You could start by saying something like "It's hard to talk about sex, but it's important to me, so can we give it a try please?"

  * Or tell her that you "...love her, and that you want to be closer to her, so you really want to talk about it please".

Now we're going to start getting to some specifics – we're going to tackle the different types of subject that you might want to talk with your partner about.

How to tell her that you want more sex

Okay, first off then, remember ...

  * Be sensitive - it can make all the difference to your conversation because she could feel...

    * Shame or embarrassment about her lack of interest in sex and you really don't want to be hurting her feelings any more than they might already be.

    * She could have low self-esteem which is making her disinterested and you don't want to make this worse.

    * She could be trying to deal with a personal problem currently that isn't at all related to sex and she needs the help with that instead.

  * Use "I" statements rather than "You" statements – for example "My sexual needs are not getting met, and I'd like to discuss this with you." – this way it's you taking the responsibility for your feelings and actions, not her being blamed and finger pointed at.

Now let's look at some words and phrases that you could use to structure your conversation...

  * Reminding your partner how much you love her is always good.

  * Tell her you "miss her".

  * Tell her what "her touch means to you" - it's time to discuss your vulnerabilities please – start talking in terms of your feelings - talking this way means that you are speaking a woman's language - and you need to talk this way to get through to her in a way that makes sense to her. Try telling her...

    * That you "need that emotional connection that sex brings to you both".

    * That when you "touch, hold, kiss, and caress her" that you "feel a sense of closeness and connection to her".

    * That "being physical and intimate with her draws you nearer to her".

    * That it "reminds you of your love for her".

    * That "when your sexual relationship breaks down, it makes your spirits lower".

    * And that "a lack of sex wears your soul down".

    * That you can see "how upsetting it is to her when you both fight about sex all the time".

    * That you "feel rejected" and tell her how that feels to you.

  * At this point you can get specific and tell her that you need more sex, but do it in one of these ways, and in this order...

    * Explain to her that you can see that your sexual differences are wearing on her as well.

    * Let your partner know how much it means to your relationship to make love with her regularly.

    * Tell her that you realize that you wanting more physical closeness (don't just call it sex!) than she does, must be difficult for her at times.

    * Tell her "how important it is to you to have sex".

    * That "we really need to make sex a priority because whilst it's not the most important thing in our relationship it is still important, and it's healthy that we have regular sex" and that we "both need to make the time for sex".

    * Tell her (and do try to make her believe that its true!) that for you "it's not just about having an orgasm to get some physical relief".

    * Tell her that a good sexual relationship "doesn't have to have intercourse and orgasms and that you're happy to find other ways to pleasure each other, and that you just want to stay connected physically" – and again saying it like you mean it helps a lot here.

    * Ask if there is something that you could do differently that would make her feel more turned on or interested in being closer to you physically – then listen carefully to the response.

  * Demonstrate to her in the words that you use that you are "really interested in her feelings and that you are willing to change what you can to make having a more regular loving sexual relationship a possibility" with her.

How to ask her what she likes in bed

Asking your partner what she needs, likes or wants in bed can be difficult, and even if you ask her she might not even know herself. You could also find that she is ashamed to talk about it or she may just find it difficult to ask for what she wants and likes. But you can help her through these issues, and it's well worth the effort for you both because sharing your likes and dislikes with each other will give you both an awful lot more to work with when you do get into bed than fumbling about in the dark, in silence, ever will.

  * Start off with an equal understanding that it's pretty unrealistic to expect each other to automatically know each other's likes and dislikes in bed.

  * Use your "I" statements again, rather than the "You" statements – for example "I feel frustrated when you shut down and won't tell me what you like" – this way it's you taking responsibility for your feelings and actions again.

  * If she asks you what you want in bed then do remember that you've got to be honest with her as well to tell her what you want too – it's got to be a two way street.

  * If you aren't getting straight answers then you will more than likely need to encourage her to open up a bit - to give her permission to be sexual.

  * Ask her when would be the best time to communicate her preferences with you – ie before, during or after sex?

  * Try asking her how she wants to communicate her preferences with you – does she want verbal communication, some hand-guiding or simply body language?

  * Back to that permission thing again – give her permission to use her hands to gently direct the action the way she wants it – tell her that it's okay to do this.

  * If you want to get feedback later on you could use questions like...

    * "What signals did I read correctly?"

    * "Did I miss any of your signals?"

    * "What did you mean when you did this?" (then demonstrate the same action she used)

    * "What different or better signals can we use next time?"

How to tell her that you aren't satisfied in bed

I'm sure that I don't need to tell you that this is a tricky one that can seriously hurt your partner's feelings if it's done in the wrong way. With that in mind then let's start this one off by looking at some not to do's...

  * Remember the general rules - don't attack, exaggerate, compare her to previous lovers, insult her, or in any other way put your partner down.

  * Avoid bombarding her with your list for improvements; tackle no more than one or two at a time.

  * Yes, it is okay to tell her what you need in bed, but you also need to employ some serious patience at the same time.

So how are you going to tackle this? Let's look next at a general overview of how you'll go about it...

  * Remember that you partner will very likely need some help in knowing how you like to be touched (just as you are reading this course to find out how she likes to be turned on and touched).

  * Your aim needs to be to come across in the least threatening way possible.

  * Take a moment to work out what it is that you want improving. Make a list in your head of the stuff that you'd like your partner to get better at, prioritise it and then resolve to concentrate with her on that priority list first.

  * Your partner will enjoy doing what she feels that she is good at doing – so you are going to find ways to increase her confidence by pointing out what your partner does that you really enjoy.

  * You need to be finding ways to emphasize what you enjoyed most about what she's doing to / for you, and de-emphasizing what you didn't. So - always find something positive to say, but don't praise what's bad. If you just pretend to enjoy what you don't then all you do is to dig the hole deeper for yourself.

  * Be an appreciative lover – give her praise when it's due – and give her that praise is every way you can think of – tell her out loud that you love what she's doing, make the right pleasurable moaning noises in all the right places – and keep on being appreciative even when she's started to regularly give you what you want.

  * Remember that your partner's 'win' is that she gets to know that she's doing a great job in pleasuring you and that she's helping to get your sex life to a better, closer place.

  * And finally - remember to be patient.

Now let's get a bit more specific, how do you go about this...

  * Once you've started your conversation as per the "Start a conversation about sex" topic above you can try saying something along these lines – "the sex that we have is wonderful, I love it, and especially the connection that it brings us, but I wonder if we could make it even better?"

  * This could be followed up by suggesting "I'm just wondering whether we could try..." and then gently put forward the first one or two items on your priority list, letting her know how you would like to be touched, for example.

  * This way you are letting her know, in a very gentle way, that she has permission to be more assertive in the bedroom with you.

  * Try asking her how she wants you to communicate what you want to her? Would she prefer that you tell her what you want? That you just guide her hand to gently direct the action the way you want it?

  * And ask her when she would prefer that you communicate what you want. Would she prefer that you do this before, during or after you've had sex?

  * Then, when she does something that you like remember to be appreciative - spell it out for her – tell her "I love what you're doing" or "that drives me wild" – give her that much required positive feedback.

  * And for when things are going well keep on focusing on the positive stuff, but subtly modify her technique at the same time, for example you could tell her that you "love the way you do that, especially when you go slowly / quickly / more gently". This may work even if she's doing it totally wrong and she isn't pleasing you – perhaps she's sucking away at you and she's going far too fast for example – but you still tell her how lovely it feels is when her mouth goes really slowly. It's possible that she'll pickup on this and start going slowly then anyway.

And if none of this works then pick your moment to just go ahead and show her or tell her what you want. Pick a time when you're having a really steamy session where you're both totally crazed with passion and she's way more likely to do anything to please you –ask her "Would you mind trying this? I've been thinking it would really drive me crazy", then just guide her hand in the right direction. One word of warning though – this doesn't work well for oral sex – ie pushing her head down toward your cock is probably best avoided.

How to ask for something in bed that you aren't sure that she'll want to do

Once things are in a good place and you've started improving your conversations and communications then you can start to move on to asking for other stuff in the bedroom, stuff that you aren't sure that she'll possibly want to do. Bear the following in mind when talking with your partner and making your request...

  * Firstly – it's worth knowing that you shouldn't be afraid to ask for things in the bedroom, there's nothing to be ashamed of – your partner shouldn't have any fear in trying something different, just as long as she doesn't feel that your entire happiness is dependent on it if she gets it wrong or doesn't want to go through with it.

  * It's probably very wise to discuss both of your boundaries outside of the bedroom first, ie your partner might not be willing to have anal sex with you, so knowing this first, would prevent you from asking her and potentially upsetting her. A great way to do this is to take a 'quiz' together – take a look at the last but one topic in this appendix for detail on this one, the 'Take a quiz' topic. Doing a quiz is a great way to explore what you both want and like and what the limits are slowly and gently in a non-pressured environment.

  * You may find that talking with your partner about what you'd like to try when you are outside of the bedroom works better because of the lack of immediate pressure to then immediately try the thing out.

  * Submit your request with grace, and do it gently and lightly, for example you could say "I'd like us to be more adventurous and to try new things and I've read about something I'd like to try in a book / magazine and I wondered if we could give it a go..." or "the sex that we have is wonderful, I love it, especially the connection that it brings between us, but I wonder if we could make it even better?", then "I'm just wondering whether we could try..." and then say the position, or the thing that you'd like to try.

  * If there's hesitation then let your partner know that it is of course perfectly okay to have a think about it for a while and to let you know at a later time.

  * And if all of that has gone really well and she seems receptive then suggest what you'd like to try when you are both at the height of passion "can we try....", "I've been thinking about it and I know it would drive me really crazy", then if she still seems okay with it take the lead - and do remember to praise when she's giving you the pleasure that you're after.

Talking with your partner about role plays that you've tried

If you've been trying out some role plays with your partner then you may want to get some feedback on how they've gone so that you can improve things for next time. Here's a few questions you could ask...

  * What did you like most about the scene / role play that we tried?

  * Which bits of it were the most exciting to you?

  * If we did a similar themed role play again, what is another path we can take / thing that we can do that would be exciting to you?

  * What are some other role plays that you'd like to try out that would be exciting?

Take a quiz

Suggest taking a quiz with your partner to find out where you both are at... this is a great way to start communicating with you partner about sex and it's a brilliant way to get to know each other's likes, dislikes and what the boundaries are for you both. Start off by grabbing two pens and two bits of paper, write down the following questions on both bits of paper and then answer them separately...

Thinking about sex the things that...

  * I like are...

  * I would like to try are...

  * I do not like are...

  * I am interested in doing are...

  * I'm not sure about, but I might like to explore with you are...

Once you've completed your answers sit down together, swap bits of paper, and then have a read and a discuss. If you both answer this one honestly then it should prompt a really good, open and honest discussion about...

  * Any boundaries that you might both have.

  * Things that your partner might like to try out.

  * Getting clarity on both of your likes and dislike so that you can explore the likes together and leave the dislikes well alone.

What if talking doesn't work to resolve the lack of sex in your relationship **?**

Our last topic is here as your backup plan for when, despite having followed the advice in this appendix to the letter, your communications still aren't working to improve the frequency of your sexual encounters with your partner.

  1. If you are continually being rejected for sex and you can honestly say that you've tried all of the communication ideas suggested above then try again to tell your partner how her continual rejections make you feel, this time include a suggestion something along the lines of "fair enough, not now, but can we agree a date and time that works for us both when we'll try again?" If this worked for you both then you could build on this and ask her to initiate sex with you once a month.

  2. And along those same lines – having a 'sex date', where you both agree to go to bed to make love at an agreed date and time with an agreed frequency can work wonders.

  3. If you are getting the feeling that your partner won't go to bed with you until a long list of her prerequisites have all been met and bitterness is slowing creeping in because in the past despite meeting all of these demands it still hasn't meant that you get sex at the end of it - then don't give up. Try and approach it again with a new attitude, try not to automatically dismiss what your partner is telling you that she needs in order to be more sexual with you. Try giving her the benefit of the doubt again - even if you're not sure that it will make a difference.

  4. If talking doesn't work then you can also try writing your partner a letter or a note. The underlying principle here is that you doing something totally different rather than just keeping on with the talking. Your partner may respond better if she can actually see the words written down? Why? Because she may simply not be listening to the words that you say but writing it down triggers off the necessary difference in the way that the message is put across - she may just respond better to seeing the message rather than hearing it – that's just the way some people are. I'd advise against just handing it over to her in person – and instead leaving the letter or note somewhere that she'll find it.

  5. And if you've tried talking and you've written a letter and it's still not working? Then try talking to her over the phone instead. This could potentially work better because you aren't face to face and you both may just be more comfortable that way.

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About the author

My name is Iain Littlejohn, I am 60 years of age and while I am British, I live and work in Alicante, Spain. I am married and have two children.

The Get More, Get Better course started life as a series of frustrations for me. A frustration, firstly, at a complete lack of understanding of how to get my wife into bed, and secondly, a frustration at the lack of decent help out there for men in my situation.

Fed up with not having a clue how to get my wife into bed more regularly I decided to set out on a learning journey to work out what I needed to do. I started to purchase more books than I care to remember, I scoured countless articles on the web and had some fairly frank conversations with my male friends.

I read; books on how to get better at sex, countless books on relationship improvement, books with titles about what to do if your marriage had no sex in it whatsoever, books on how to have sex with your partner in long term relationships, magazine articles on seduction, even books on how to pickup women. And as I read I made notes, mainly by way of picking out the good bits which applied to my situation (of which, unfortunately, there were few). As I read more, and tried to find out more information, it became clear that there was really very little out there for my specific situation. It's odd that there are loads of books on how to pickup women in the first place, loads on what to do with your female partner once you've got her into bed, but very little on how to actually get her there in the first place. Which, let's face it; after the infatuation stage in a relationship is over, kids have set in, career building really kicks off and the speed of life goes supersonic, it's never the easiest thing in the world to do.

Then I decided to share the summary of my learning - and the Get More, Get Better course is the result. Many years worth of trawling, reading, note taking, trial and error, frustration, learning, talking, writing, failing, picking back up, hard work and understanding have gone into this course so that you don't have to go through the same, very long winded, learning curve as I did.

And as a result of what I found I set out to do something a little different with this course...

  * To ban waffling.

  * To always get to the point; quickly, efficiently and without going round the houses to get there.

  * To write about the subject from a man's perspective, with a man's view on the world and trying to talk in a language that you'll understand.

  * To keep on referring it back to the reason that you purchased the course in the first place, because sometimes it might feel like it's going off track, and you'll need it to be brought back occasionally.

  * To build and deliver a product that is; easy for you to work with, and that you can actually get something from, ie not something that simply goes in one ear and out the other, and then you struggle to remember what you read 5 minutes later.

