I aim to please in life,
BUT,
Today's movie makes THAT goal
RATHER insurmountable.
For on Facebook, I put out a poll,
asking you guys one very simple question:
Is "The Amazing Spider-Man 2" a good movie?
Yes or No?
And as you can see,
Opinions were about as split as a pair of tights in an overweight contortionist.
So, no matter what I say,
𝕊𝕥𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕤𝕥𝕚𝕔𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕪, I'm going to be pissing off about...
HALF OF YOU.
But, I'm a critic. For I must answer this question with utmost honesty!
Do I like "The Amazing Spider-Man 2"?
Yes or No?
Is there a third option?
Soothsaying Bridgekeeper: Get on with it.
Tim: Yes! Get on with it!
Army of Knights: YES! GET ON WITH IT!
But, I'm straight down the middle here! I can't say yes...!
GOD: GET ON WITH IT!
PLEASE EXCUSE TECHNICAL DISRUPTIONS BY THE POWERS THAT BE
Ok, now!
Trust me!
I've thought LONG and HARD about this!
Quagmire: Giggity! GIGGITY!
And, I will say that...
I do like "The Amazing Spider-Man 2".
BUT
And, this is one ENORMOUS...
Kim Kardashian-Sized Level BUTT here!
"Amazing Spider-Man 2",
To put it in a very Ⓢcientific Ⓤnit of Ⓜeasurement,
Has problems....
by the FUCKLOAD.
Because, this is one of those films that on first viewing,
I was like,
"Yeah, I liked that!"
"I had a good time!"
"Good Job Marc Webb!"
"Have a cookie."
But, upon deeper analysis,
Well, let's just start at the beginning!
This is "The Amazing Spider-Man 2"!
So, our movie begins
Ehhhhhh -_-
the same as the first:
Peter is left at his Aunt and Uncle's
and his parents DIE.
Only this time, we get to see how SHIT Richard was at keeping promises.
Richard Parker: We're going to be fine, Mary.
Mary Parker: He's just a little boy!
Richard Parker: I know, I know. It's going to be ok.
Richard Parker: It's going to be alright.
-BANG-
Richard Parker: MARY!
Yoda: FAIL.
Ok, so when the movie really begins,
We rejoin Spidey in Modern-Day New York!
Now, Director Marc Webb has given us..
..many a cool shots of Spidey swinging across the city hasn't he?
We've had POV shots, slo-mo shots,
shots that follow Spidey from behind,
and Marc Webb just keeps on delivering people!
For now, we have...
THE CROTCH CAM!
Mugatu: Dear God!
Mugatu: IT'S BEAUTIFUL!
Although the shot is looking UP a bit.
So, that must mean that Spidey has a...
Oh, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!
We're not going there!
Quagmire: OH!
Quagmire: GIGGITOH BAH GI AH EE AH AH AH AYE GAH GIG GIG GI GI GI GOO!
Right.
So it turns out there's a new villain on the loose
as Mr. Aleksei Sytsevich here, causes havoc on the streets!
So Spidey gives chase and proceeds to do what he does best:
GET PEOPLE KILLED!
Spider-Man (AG): Heads Up! Watch Out!
Spider-Man (AG): Woo!
Spider-Man (AG): Ok! Ok. There you go!
Spider-Man (AG): You ok?
(Giggles)
I like how Spidey's all impressed with himself that he saved Max here,
When a taxi full of people just flew right over his head and crash landed upside down!
TUS (as Spidey): Don't worry, Max! I got you!
Poor Civilian in Taxi: Aaaaaaaaaaah!
-CRASH-
TUS (as Spidey): Eh.
TUS (as Spidey): They'll be ok.
-BOOOOAAAAAAH-
TUS (as Spidey): Crap.
So yeah, Spidey today seems content on cracking jokes than saving lives,
And two dead cabbies, two dead drivers,
And TWO DUDES CRUSHED TO DEATH LATER!
JESUS CHRIST, PETER!
Bender: He's a madman!
Bender: A MADMAN!
Well, as I ponder how many life sentences Peter should be serving now,
We find out Peter's not wrought with guilt because of a few dead civilians,
NO
He's wrought with guilt 'cause he's BANGING someone when he said he wouldn't.
Now,
How are they gonna go about showing this?
Spider-Man (AG): You know that.....
Gwen Stacy: Peter?
Gwen Stacy: What is happening?
Gwen Stacy: Peter?
Gwen Stacy: PETER?
Horrendously, that's how!
I mean, jeesh! How can I not make fun of THIS?!
Who could possibly take....
GHOST LEARY seriously?!
You're trying to convey Peter's CONFLICT OF MIND,
and the guilt he feels for breaking a promise he made to A DYING MAN!
And you go about it like THIS?
TUS (as Ghost Leary): 0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0 PETER!
TUS (as Ghost Leary): I AM THE GHOST OF DENIS LEAAAARY!
TUS (as Ghost Leary): HOW COULD YOU BREAK YOUR PROMISE AND STILL SEE GWEN?!
TUS (as Ghost Leary): THINK ABOUT MY ROTTING CORPSE NEXT TIME YOU TAP THAT, Wo0o0o!
Otis B. Driftwood: Boogie Boogie Boogie!
So yeah, Spidey tries his best to ignore the fact that..
He is obviously going insane,
as he manages to catch and subdue Rhino!
Heh heh, he's got rhinos on his boxers!
I feel a bit depressed saying that, though,
as I had to verify this by
zooming IN on Paul Giamatti's ASS.
What did you do at work today?
Well, Peter gets to his graduation just in time and meets back up with Gwen!
But, gosh darn it!
Denis Leary just seems content on being the world's first deceased cockblocker!
Peter Parker (AG): I promised him that I would keep away from you!
Peter Parker (AG): And now, I'm gonna come and eat dinner with your family.
Peter Parker (AG): How can I do this? What does that-
Peter Parker (AG): What does this make me?
Wait.
So, does this mean that whole...
"Those are the Best Kind" line from the last movie was absolutely pointless,
and these two are going to have yet another on-off relationship
like Peter and MJ did in the Raimi Trilogy?
J. Loren Pryor: Mm-hmm!
-BANG-
-DING-
OH, NO NO! We're not doing that again!
So once Peter gets on with his usual routine of...
stalking his ex,
fighting goons,
uh..fighting....
chickens,
fighting De Blobs?,
uh...
catching fish?
uh..
You know, I do like this movie,
but, I honestly would rather be watching
what Peter was up to on these days!
But, I digress! For we are then, formally introduced to Max Dillon.
It's his birthday today!
And he's celebrating in his own, um, special way.
Max Dillon: Whoa ho ho, well, look who's here!
Max Dillon: Spidey!
Max Dillon: How was your morning?
Max Dillon (as Spider-Man): Aces, Max..
Max Dillon: (as Spider-Man): Aces.
Wait a minute!
So, you're making Max Dillon in this movie, a socially awkward weirdo
And to play him,
you choose THIS GUY?
Jamie Foxx (♪): Can I,
Jamie Foxx (♪): Can I
Jamie Foxx (♪): save you from you?
But, you know..
in the words of Ron Burgundy,
"I'm not even mad! That's amazing!"
Cause Jamie Foxx has completely transformed here!
I think he's great in this film,
cause Foxx is playing a character that is,
pretty much the complete opposite of what he is!
Max is a geeky, giddy fanboy who talks to himself,
has little to no friends,
loves Spider-Man, has bad teeth, terrible hair and....
Jamie Foxx is playing ME in this movie.
SHIT
Max Dillon: People don't get a chance to see these small, kind things you do for people.
Max Dillon: I...know what they say about you in the press,
Max Dillon: But, it doesn't matter to me because I know the real you,
Max Dillon: Because you're amazing.
Max Dillon: WOW.
Max Dillon: That's what the press needs!
Max Dillon: They should call you "The Amazing Spider-Man"!
Peter Griffin: AH AH! HE SAID..!
Peter Griffin: AH AH!
Peter Griffin: AH AH! HE SAID IT! HE SAID IT!
Peter Griffin: AAAAAAAAAAH!
-CRASH-
Hmm.
Peter Griffin: (CRYING)
Max Dillon: You like that, Spidey?
Max Dillon (as Spider-Man): I like it a lot, Max.
Max Dillon: Heh, good.
(Giggles)
Ok,
why does his voice for Spider-Man sound so pervy?
Max Dillon (as Spider-Man): I LIKE IT A LOT,
Max Dillon (as Spider-Man): MAX.
TUS (as Max Dillon): Do you like it, Spidey?
TUS (as Max Dillon (as Spider-Man)): I like it a lot, Max.
TUS (as Max Dillon (as Spider-Man)): Now turn around,
TUS (as Max Dillon (as Spider-Man)): bend over,
TUS (as Max Dillon (as Spider-Man)): and I'll let you know why they call me webhead.
TUS (as Max Dillon): I need an adult!
So, it turns out Max works for Oscorp,
but his relationship with his fellow workers is,
well,
nonexistent.
Max Dillon: and those power grids were designed by me.
Alistair Smythe: You designed them?
Alistair Smythe: Sure, you did.
Alistair Smythe: And I'm Spider-Man.
Max Dillon: You're no Spider-Man!
Max Dillon: He's a Leo, you're a Sagittarius!
Max Dillon: You besmirch him again,
Max Dillon: I'm gonna rip your well-groomed head off!
Alistair Smythe: Now, get to work.
Um...
Quick...out of the blue question..
Um...
Does anyone know a good remedy for a sore anus?
For I literally just shat a brick!
So, Max proceeds to have a crap day at work,
and quickly learns that Oscorp has about the same safety measures....
as the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.
Uhh..
Did I just watch the electrical charge
of a dozen or so eels fix the cap of a man's teeth?
Like, you can't let a finding like this go unnoticed!
Are you meaning to tell me that from now on,
in this world, if you need work done on your teeth,
you no longer have to go to the dentist!
You just have to be dropped in a tank full of eels?
Honestly, I think both sound as horrible as each other.
Regardless, Max! Only you are armed with this knowledge!
So, make full use of it!
You turn into a homicidal maniac by the end of the movie anyway,
So, becoming a dentist seems right up your alley!
TUS (♪): Max, you'll be a dentist!
TUS (♪): You have a talent for causing things pain!
-CRASH-
So, after Max's afterwork cookout,
we're introduced to Character....
#657.
Yep, Harry's in this movie.
As is Norman, but, not for long.
He'll soon be out to meet his maker.
Anyway, Harry's pissed at Daddy
'cause he wouldn't give him the time of day, growing up.
But, the points he makes are a bit weird.
Norman Osborn: You're throwing it all away.
Harry Osborn: No, you threw me away.
Harry Osborn: You kicked me off to boarding school, when I was eleven.
Uhh...
So do all parents of Hogwarts students,
but, we don't give them any flak for it.
Harry Osborn: On my 16th birthday,
Harry Osborn: you sent me Scotch.
Ok,
What kind of 16 year old gets annoyed over receiving ALCOHOL?
What a nerd!
-CRINGES-
Uh oh!
I think he pissed off Homer!
Homer Simpson: NEEEEERRRRRRDS!
-NERD PUNCH-
Ok, so Norm snuffs it,
but, not without letting Harry know
his disease is....
GENETIC.
Nelson Muntz: HA HAH!
But, Harry takes it in his stride as he becomes the new CEO of Oscorp.
Donald Menken: Harry,
Donald Menken: Oscorp's been under intense public scrutiny
Donald Menken: in the wake of Dr. Connors' recent,
Donald Menken: uh, breach of trust.
(Scoffs)
You mean people are pissed off 'cause he tried to turn everyone in..
Harry Osborn: You mean people are pissed off 'cause
Harry Osborn: he tried to turn everyone in New York City
Harry Osborn: into giant lizards.
Huh. Well, fantastic!
The movie's pointing out how dumb it is itself.
What did it take me four months to get this review out?
Donald Menken: All the animal hybrid programs he was involved in were destroyed,
Donald Menken: to, restore investor confidence.
Harry Osborn: Ah,
Harry Osborn: That is the Osborn way!
Harry Osborn: Whatever's inconvenient around here,
Harry Osborn: just, get rid of it, right?
No, that's the YouTube copyright system way.
So, as Harry lets everyone know Who's Boss,
Peter turns up at Oscorp to offer his condolences
as it turns out Peter and Harry were childhood friends!
Peter Parker (AG): There he is!
Peter Parker (AG): You still blow dry your hair every morning?
Harry Osborn: Um, you know...
Harry Osborn: one of my manservants holds the hairdryer,
Harry Osborn: but, I work the comb.
Harry Osborn: Okay, so....
No, No, No, No, No!
He was asking for your hair regimen,
Not Donald Trump's!
So, Peter and Harry hit it off and decide to head
down to the Hudson to pad the film's runtime...
I MEAN, UM, skip some rocks!
Harry Osborn: Nice arm!
Peter Parker (AG): It's just the wrist.
Peter Parker (AG): It's just all in the wrist, buddy.
And by "all in the wrist",
He's referring to the action of..
handing cash to over to the VFX artists,
to make him a CG ROCK.
Peter Parker (AG): Heh.
So, we cut to later in the day,
As Peter decides to meet up with Gwen,
But, Peter makes a silly mistake....
Gwen Stacy: ..and I got,
Gwen Stacy: Completely addicted to this place that has Korean meatballs.
Peter Parker (AG): Yeah.
Gwen Stacy: Have you been there?
Peter Parker (AG): Oh, uh, no.
Gwen Stacy: It's mind-blowing.
Peter Parker (AG): That place on 6th. I know.
Peter Parker (AG): You love it there.
Gwen Stacy: How did you know that?
Gwen Stacy: Have you been following me?
Gwen Stacy: I knew it.
Oh!
God Damn You, Andrew Garfield!
You...
Sexy Bastard!
I mean,
Peter here outright ADMITS to stalking Gwen
ON a daily basis,
and she finds it ENDEARING!
Oh, and this music doesn't help.
Tell you what, let's change up a bit here to um..
Better fit the MOOD.
Gwen Stacy: Have you been following me?
Gwen Stacy: How often?
Peter Parker (AG): Just once a day...
Peter Parker (AG): sometimes...
Peter Parker (AG): SOMETIMES MORE....
-PHONE DIALS-
-PHONE RINGS-
Hi, I'd like to make an order for one Gwen Stacy?
Uh, yeah. Uh....
A can of pepper spray,
A RAPE whistle,
And a good pair of RUNNING SHOES!
-END CALL-
RUUUUUUN!
But, the ol' Spidey Sense kicks into gear, as it turns out,
Max escaped from the morgue,
And has become drawn the power emanating from Times Square!
TUS (as Gwen Stacy): Ugh!
TUS (as Gwen Stacy): I hate it when Peter just..
TUS (as Gwen Stacy): spontaneously decides to go streaking!
So, Max begins to drain the power from the square!
And after a quick altercation with the cops,
Spidey arrives to save the day!
Max Dillon: I don't want them shooting me anymore.
Spider-Man (AG): They're not gonna shoot you.
Spider-Man (AG): You guys!
Spider-Man (AG): This is my buddy, Max!
Spider-Man (AG): I told you about Max.
Spider-Man (AG): No one shoots at Max!
Spider-Man (AG): You and me, okay?
Spider-Man (AG): It's just you and-
Spider-Man (AG): It's just you and me talking.
Spider-Man (AG): Whoa, WHOA!
Spider-Man (AG): Stay right there! Stay right there.
Spider-Man (AG): Just be careful.
Spider-Man (AG): The grate, because of the electricity.
You know?
I do wonder though.
What does all this electricity emanating from your body do to ya, anyway?
Like on a daily basis, I mean?
Can't be easy to live with!
TUS (as Electro): UGH! IT'S AWFUL, PETER!
TUS (as Electro): I GOT ELECTRICAL INTERFERENCE COMING FROM EVERY CREVICE OF MY BODY!
TUS (as Electro): I SO MUCH AS FART,
TUS (as Electro): AND TWO ENTIRE CITY BLOCKS LOOSE POWER!
TUS (as Electro): THE SILENT ONE SHUT DOWN THREE.
TUS (as Electro): JUST THE OTHER DAY,
TUS (as Electro): I WENT TO TACO BELL,
TUS (as Electro): AND I LET OUT A RIGHT CAKER ON THE SUBWAY.
TUS (as Electro): THE TRAIN SHUT DOWN OF COURSE,
TUS (as Electro): BUT THE REAL ISSUE WAS,
TUS (as Electro): THE GUY SITTING NEXT TO ME HAD A PACEMAKER ON...
TUS (as Electro): I'M NEVER EATING A CHEESE AND BEEF QUESADILLA AGAIN!
So, yes,
Spidey finds he has enough charisma points
to persuade Max to come quietly.
So, he proceeds to attack,
And, as much as I like this scene,
I have to ask,
What the HELL
Is up with this soundtrack?
Woman in Crowd: Electro Dummy!
He hates A-ME?
Who's this song about?
Electro or FUCKING Super Mario?
"He hates a-me",
Jeez!
Comedy musicians can write something more fitting than THIS!
"Threw Him on the Grid" - A Lonely Island Parody
TUS (♪): My name is Max Dillon,
TUS (♪): I got bit in the face by a CGI eel!
TUS (♪): Now I'm all electric here,
TUS (♪): But, Webhead over here's stealing mah spotlight!
TUS (♪): I'll take my hands,
TUS (♪): and throw him on the
TUS (♪): GRIIIIIIIIIIIIIDD!
TUS (♪): You must think I'm a joke!
TUS (♪): I ain't gonna be a part of your system,
TUS (♪): MAAAAAAN!
TUS (♪): I'm the greatest villain since
TUS (♪): MR. FREEZE!
So, Spidey and Electro get in a fight,
And, hey!
I'll find this kind of funny!
SONY destroying their own product placement!
-CRASH-
-THUD-
(Laughing)
Sorry! I got nothing!
That's just so fucking funny to me!
-CRASH-
CRA-CRA
CRA-CRA-CRA
-CRASH-
FUCK YEAH!
-CRASH-
But, Spidey gets up soon after,
As he comes up with a plan to shut Electro down!
Electro: AAAAAAH!
Spider-Man (AG): Whoa!
Spider-Man (AG): Ok!
Spider-Man (AG): Alright, that's enough!
Spider-Man (AG): Mike?
Mike: Yeah!
Spider-Man (AG): Big John?
Big John: Nice job.
Ok, As much as I laughed when I saw
Spidey wearing a fireman hat in theaters,
This WEAKNESS to water makes NO SENSE!
Because, if Pokémon has taught me anything,
Electricity should be strong against water;
Not weak against it!
Oh, and there's the teeny tiny little point about
Electro was FUCKING BORN in the STUFF!
How can water be your weakness if that's part of what made you?
It'd be like if Sandman's weakness...
was SAND!
Or if Catwoman's weakness...
was CATS!
Or if Pauly Shore's weakness...
was SATAN!!
It makes no sense!
So, yeah.
Electro is captured,
As we cut to...
Oscorp?
As it turns out,
THEY managed to get their hands on Electro!
Uh, kinda skipped on that scene, guys!
Shouldn't the police have custody?
Oh, wait.
Because, there isn't a single police officer with a NAME now,
All of the sudden, all cops are completely incompetent.
Makes sense...
Any who, we are then formally introduced to Dr. Kafka,
Who is uh....
Rocking a bit more testosterone than she did in the comics, huh?
Dr. Kafka: I'm here to study you.
Dr. Kafka: To understand what you are...
Dr. Kafka: WHY...
Dr. Kafka: you are. Und I will get results.
Electro: (GROANING)
So, we have here,
an evil German doctor,
whose surname begins with a 'K'....
Dr. Kaufman, from "Tomorrow Never Dies'" much?
Electro: YOU DO REALIZE...
Electro: YOU LOCKED ME IN A PRISON...
Electro: THAT RUNS...
Electro: ON ELECTRICITY.
TUS (as Dr. Kafka): Ugh, I am a professional, Electro.
TUS (as Dr. Kafka): I could zap you frum Stuttgart und still kreate ze proper effect!
Electro: (GROANING)
TUS (as Dr. Kafka): Vait.
TUS (as Dr. Kafka): Vhy does shocking hurt you?
TUS (as Dr. Kafka): You're made of electricity already!
TUS (as Dr. Kafka): Eh.
Electro: (GROANING)
TUS (as Dr. Kafka): You know?
TUS (as Dr. Kafka): Shocking you has given me the vierdest boner right now!
Electro: (GROANING)
So, yeah,
whilst Eggman's German cousin has his fun,
We rejoin Peter and Harry at Oscorp,
as it turns out, Harry has connected the dots,
and worked out Peter, at least, knows who Spider-Man is.
So, he asks him to ask Spider-Man for his blood,
which Harry believes can save his life.
So, Peter suits up and meets Harry at his home,
only to essentially tell him to fuck off.
Spider-Man (AG): I can't give you my blood.
Spider-Man (AG): Not right now.
Harry Osborn: Excuse me?
Spider-Man (AG): It's too dangerous.
Spider-Man (AG): If our blood isn't compatible,
Spider-Man (AG): You could die.
Harry Osborn: I'm already dying.
Harry Osborn: Your blood can't die me more.
Spider-Man (AG): But, it could do something worse.
Ok,
This scene really angers me!
I mean,
It gives Harry an ample reason for hating Spider-Man,
But, at what cost?
Why DOESN'T Peter just give Harry his blood?
Harry has a multi-BILLION dollar corporation,
At His Disposal!
He won't be dumb enough just to inject Spider-Man's blood as soon as he got it!
I mean, I know he does just that with the Spider-Venom near the end of the movie,
But, that's because he's in a desperate situation then.
But, now, he'd run tests!
He'd conduct animal trials
He'd get his top scientists on the job to try to work out
how to reverse-engineer the benefits of Spidey's self-healing!
He has plenty of time!
Judging by how old Norman Osborn was when he died,
Harry should have decades left before he snuffs it!
Harry Osborn: Alright, how much?
Spider-Man (AG): How much, what?
Harry Osborn: How much do you want?
Harry Osborn: Name it. You want a boat?
Harry Osborn: You want a plane?
Harry Osborn: You want money? How much do you want?
Spider-Man (AG): I don't want your money.
You don't want his money?
How selfish are you being now?!
Literally, the scene before this, we learn
Aunt May had to take a job at the hospital,
to pay for Peter's college fees!
Aunt May: Your stupid NON-Scientific Aunt,
who doesn't know how to make ends meet,
who has to take nursing classes with 22 year old kids,
so I can pay for you to go to college,
and I don't know how to do this with Ben!
Don't you feel you should sell your blood
for a couple of $100,000 and help support your Aunt in her later years?
Oh, and here's the real problem with Peter not giving up his blood:
In the scene at Oscorp,
Peter and Harry watch a clip of Norman Osborn,
claimed Oscorp's research had the potential to
cure diseases like Parkinson's and even, Cancer!
I dare say that,
no matter how lives Spidey saved on the streets of New York,
That number wouldn't even REMOTELY COMPARE to how many lives
that could be saved if a cure for FREAKING CANCER was found?!
Spider-Man,
Because of your decision to not give Harry your blood
1,500 Americans
1,500 Americans will die
1,500 Americans will DIE EVERY
1,500 AMERICANS WILL DIE EVERY DAY
One of these images is that of a homicidal maniac!
The other is Hannibal Lector.
Gingy: You're a monster!
So, Harry's understandably pissed.
But, Felicia here tells him that Oscorp saved
some of the Spider-Venom at..
Ravencroft: the facility Electro's being held at!
So, yeah. A character that barely has any...
well, character,
has just told Harry Osborn a pivotal piece of information,
to help move along the plot.
-VOMITS OUT "SPIDER-MAN 3"-
But, before Harry could find much out,
it turns out that Oscorp VIPs have framed Harry
for the cover-up of Max's accident!
Donald Menken: Now,
Donald Menken: In light of your deceptive, criminal actions,
Donald Menken: You've been, how do I put this gently?
Donald Menken: FIRED.
Did this guy just FIRE his own BOSS?
Pretty sure, you can't do that, mate!
TUS (as Harry Osborn): Oh,
TUS (as Harry Osborn): I'm fired?
TUS (as Harry Osborn): Well, news for you!
TUS (as Harry Osborn): DICKHEAD!
TUS (as Harry Osborn): I'm the C
TUS (as Harry Osborn): to the E,
TUS (as Harry Osborn): to the motherfucking O!
TUS (as Harry Osborn): So, you know what?
TUS (as Harry Osborn): YOU'RE FIRED!
TUS (as Harry Osborn): Boys, take him away!
So, in plot #7,030,
We see that Peter has been doing some digging,
and has found the location of a SECRET LAIR
HIS FATHER HAD BUILT
IN AN ABANDONED RAILWAY STATION!
BUT.....
Ugghhh....
-CLICK-
-BANG-
Richard Parker: My name is Richard Parker.
Richard Parker: Whatever lies will be told about me,
Richard Parker: I would like, the world to know the truth.
Richard Parker: Oscorp was already a leader in genetic research,
Richard Parker: when Norman Osborn made a deal with
Richard Parker: a foreign military organization....
Richard Parker: to continue funding my research.
Richard Parker: And, I discovered what they were going to use it for.
Ok, let me get this straight.
So, Richard Parker's plan to clear his name
and expose Oscorp of its wrongdoings,
was to send this video testimony,
Not to any kind of authority or to the Internet,
But, to a secret train station
ONLY HE and HIS WIFE KNEW ABOUT.
To0 sTuPiD
t 0 o   1 N k 0 /I\ p R I{ I-I e I\I s 1 B I_ e
\/\/  /_\  I"  I\I  1  I\I  G
S  '/  S  T  I{  /\/\  I{  /\/\  S    F  /_\  1  I_  I{  U I" I{
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
So, whilst all this shit is going on,
Harry decides to take matters into his own hands,
and breaks into Ravencroft to free Electro!
Harry Osborn: You just want to take back what's yours!
Electro: HOW?
Harry Osborn: It is all the power in the city, Max.
Harry Osborn: And, it's right at your fingertips!
Harry Osborn: And once you shut down the grid,
Harry Osborn: Spider-Man will come to you,
Harry Osborn: And I want you to make him BLEED!
(Giggles)
Talk about Giving It Your All in a Performance!
TUS (as Harry Osborn): I want you to make him BLEED!
Harry Osborn: BLEED!
TUS (as Harry Osborn): BLEED!
Harry Osborn: BLEEEED!
TUS (as Harry Osborn): BLEEEEEEED!
Harry Osborn: BLEEEEEEEEEED!
So, Electro agrees to help, as he, um....
....goes all Doctor Manhattan on our asses!
Oh, uh...
SHIT.
Seeing as how he's doing this impression,
Does that mean we have to see his blue, flaccid, saggy...
OH, THANK GOD!
He's inexplicably wearing shorts!
I mean, JEESH!
Given the visual cues,
It looked like it was gonna turn into a Spider-Man porno there!
-SLOW FUNKY SEXY 70'S MUSIC STARTS-
OHHHHHH YEEEAAAAAAAH
-ZIIIIIIP-
TUS (as Porn Director): Alright, Max!
TUS (as Porn Director): Don't be stingy!
TUS (as Porn Director): Be sure to give him a reach-around this time!
TUS (as Porn Director): Oh, and uh..
TUS (as Porn Director): Can we make sure...
TUS (as Porn Director): ...MJ and Black Cat are ready for their scene?
TUS (as Porn Director): Right, Awesome.
TUS (as Porn Director): Uh....
TUS (as Porn Director): You did get an African American girl to play Black Cat, right?
TUS (as Porn Director): I-I mean, we-
TUS (as Porn Director): We can't get a WHITE GIRL to play her!
TUS (as Porn Director): Otherwise,
TUS (as Porn Director): we can't call her BLACK...
Severus Snape: SILENCE!
AAH!
Sorry.
Um...
Rest In Peace, Mr. Rickman,
But,
The show goes on,
You have to keep me in check.
So, after Harry and Max become friends,
I'm definitely gonna say MORE THAN FRIENDS!
They head back to Oscorp to get some answers,
But, Menken here, responds in the most bizarre of ways!
Harry Osborn: I want IN to Special Pro..
Donald Menken: How dare you come back in here?
Donald Menken: You RECALCITRANT, UNWORTHY..
Look, man! Are you INSANE?!
Donald Menken: URCHIN freaks!
-ZAP-
Well, what did ya think was gonna happen?!
An invisible being of pure electricity,
INSTANTLY kills your security guard,
And, you decide to talk BACK to HIM?!
That would like, meeting GOD at the Pearly White Gates,
and telling Him to go FUCK HIMSELF!
Look,
Here's a rating chart for BAD IDEAS:
Now, talking back to Electro, ranks about...
a 9.
For reference, going for a bikini wax and then,
Bathing in a tub full of IODINE,
That's about an 8.
Oh, and a....
10 is the equivalent of trademarking reaction videos.
Just an...
ALL AROUND TERRIBLE IDEA.
Peter Parker (AG): Yeah, I know!
So, Max and Harry go their seperate ways!
Electro begins draining the power plant of electricity,
and Harry heads down to Special Projects,
To get his supposed cure!
Harry Osborn: Load one up!
Uh...Harry?
Why are you getting the injection,
In the SAME ARM you're HOLDING the GUN?
Wouldn't that give Menken,
AMPLE OPPORTUNITY to take the gun from you?
I mean....
Why not get injected in the other arm?
Or your abdomen?
Or the thigh?
Hell, your BUTTCHEEK is a better idea!
-ZIIIIIIP-
-THUD-
TUS (as Harry Osborn): Load one up....
TUS (as Harry Osborn): BITCH!
But, Harry's not compatible with the Venom,
As it transforms him into the Green Goblin!
Of which, we'll see a little later!
But, we cut back to Gwen,
As she gives Peter a little upgrade to help out...
...in the upcoming fight against Electro!
-ZHING-
Spider-Man (AG): You're good!
Spider-Man (AG): Try, try, try, try, try!
Spider-Man (AG): Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!
Gwen Stacy: And, THAT is why you were #2 in Midtown!
Spider-Man (AG): Rub it in, ok.
Uhh...Gwen?
You do realize that THIS COP HERE...
...is within EASY LISTENING DISTANCE, right?
I mean, if he was listening to your conversation,
He'll now know that Spider-Man is both a friend of Gwen Stacy,
And, went to the same SCHOOL as you!
I think, with a little digging,
He could EASILY narrow down Spidey's true identity now!
I mean, JEEZ, Gwen!
You might as well just SHOUT OUT HIS NAME,
To everyone to hear, whilst you're at it!
Gwen Stacy: PETER!
0 __ 0
-SMACK-
Kuni: STUPID!
Kuni: YOU'RE
Kuni: YOU'RE SO
Kuni: YOU'RE SO STUPID!
So, Peter follows Electro,
As they duke it out at the power plant!
And, yeah...
This is a pretty, sweet scene to watch!
Especially in theaters!
Peter Griffin: That is...
Peter Griffin: That is AWESOME!
Spider-Man (AG): You ready to give up?
Electro: AAAAAAAH!
WHOOOA!
I see Electro's been to the 'Tobey Maguire School of Screaming at Things'!
Hmph,
Maybe Maguire should've been Electro in this movie!
As, scary as that thought might seem!
Tobey Maguire (as Electro): RAAAAAAAAAAAH!
So, as the fight continues,
Electro, all of a sudden....
...decides to practice for his upcoming "America's Got Talent" audition!
(Electro plays the tune of "Itsy Bitsy Spider")
(Electro plays the tune of "Itsy Bitsy Spider")
Um...
Am I the only one who sees Electro using this song as,
kind of....
kind of....stupid?
Seen as how the lyrics go,
"Down came the RAIN and WASHED the spider out."
When Electro was actually washed out, earlier in the film!
I mean,
This is like if The Flash's favorite song was...
This is like if The Flash's favorite song was..."Slow Down"!
Or if, Oliver Queen's favorite movie was...
Or if, Oliver Queen's favorite movie was..."Broken Arrow"!
Or if, Batman's favorite film was...
Or if, Batman's favorite film was..."Meet the Parents"!
It's a touch ironic!
So, Spidey manages to defeat Electro,
With a little help from Gwen!
But...AH-AHE-AHEM!
THERE'S A NEW CHALLENGER!
Green Goblin: Heh, heh, HEH!
Green Goblin: Heh, heh, heh, heh.
You know?
Despite, how we are at the two-hour mark now,
And are NOW, only seeing the Green Goblin....
I am still excited to see how they've improved on the design!
You know, after the HORRENDOUS suit they chose for the Raimi film!
It's surely gotta be better right!
RIGHT?
Green Goblin: PETER!
J. Jonah Jameson: MWAAAAAAAAAAA..
J. Jonah Jameson: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Green Goblin: Look at ME!
J. Jonah Jameson: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
J. Jonah Jameson & TUS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
I mean, SWEET JESUS!
I think this is WORSE!
He looks like if Beavis and Butthead contracted SYPHILIS!
Or like, what a perverted hellspawn of an Orc and Troll doll would look like!
I mean, THIS IS NOT the GREEN GOBLIN!
Because, believe it or not!
The Green Goblin should look like.....
The Green Goblin should look like.....A GOBLIN!
THIS looks like if Groot's TURDS had TEETH!
Bar Patrons: EWWWWWWWWWW!
GUUUUGH!
So, yeah.
This......
This......very tall Leprechaun formerly known as Harry,
Sees as an opportunity and takes Gwen away!
For....
For...reasons,
As the two get into a fight!
But, in the commotion, Goblin gets knocked out!
And, Gwen falls to her death,
And, Gwen falls to her death, IN GLORIOUS....
SLOOOOOOOW
SLOOOOOOOW-MOTION!
And, get this!
As Spidey's web travels down to try and catch Gwen,
It actually, slowly transforms into a REACHING HAND!
Ok!
Obvious clip is obvious.
Film Brain: SYMBOLISMMMMMM!
-CRASH-
And secondly,
Because Peter can now turn his web into a hand,
I have to ask the question that is now on all of our minds!
Now,
My videos have demanded MANY important answers to various questions in the past:
"Do French babes shave their pits?"
When will Doby get his own solo movie?
And, "Why Can't We Have Some Meat?"
BUT,
Now, I have another important question to add to that list:
If Spider-Man can make a hand with his web.....
Can He make it FLIP THE BIRD?
DO NOT deny your curiosity, people!
I will not REST until I learn the truth!
Marc Webb, I DEMAND an Answer!
So, yeah...
So, yeah...Gwen DIES,
which may have been affected,
by that bloody TRAILER that ruined it!
Violet Trimble: God, that was so lame.
Dear, Promo Team for "The Amazing Spider-Man 2",
-SNIKT-
CLICK-CLICK
CLICK-CLICK
-MACHINE GUNS FIRING-
So, Andrew Garfield has his go at trying for an Oscar,
Gwen has her funeral and Peter just mopes around for six months,
All while, criminals run amok.
But then, Peter quickly realizes there's a sequel coming out,
So, he gonna have to get back out on the street.
BUT,
As IDIOTIC as Peter's been in these movies,
Nothing can really prepare you....
For THESE TWO!
Mother: Joe!
Mother: NO!!!!
WOW, you dumb woman!
There's a massive POLICE shootout on the streets against an advanced, walking, metal contraption...
with automatic weapons and ROCKET LAUNCHERS.....
And YOU bring your kid to WATCH?!
Mother: JOE!
Mother: NOOO!!!
TUS (as Mother): JOE!
TUS (as Mother): JOE! N0o0!
Wait a minute!
There's a scene with the kid earlier in the movie...
GO BACK TO IT!
Spider-Man (AG): I'll walk you home.
Spider-Man (AG): What's your name?
Kid: Jorge!
Spider-Man (AG): Jorge?
-Giggles-
She doesn't even know the NAME of her KID!
His name's Jorge! Not JOE?!
Uhh.....
-Slap-
Sorry!
My hand isn't NEARLY big enough...
To invoke a FACE PALM...
to bloody show how STUPID THIS IS!
I need, uhh.......
-MASTER HAND APPEARS-
Oh! There we go!
Ok, right in the forehead.
-SLAP-
-CRASH-
So, believe it or not!
The kid actually puts on his Walmart-bought Spidey-Suit,
AND STANDS HIS GROUND AGAINST THE RHINO!
Karen Walker: Kids are dumb!
But before Spidey Jr. gets popped full of lead,
Spidey Sr. shows up and decides to have a conversation with a kid...
In front of a madman armed with high-tech weaponry!
Jorge: I knew you'd come back!
Spider-Man (AG): Yeah, thanks for stepping up for me.
Spider-Man (AG): You're the bravest kid-
-MACHINE GUNS FIRING-
Jorge's Mother: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
Alicia Keys (♪): The work don't stop,
Alicia Keys (♪): 'Cause they don't stop,
Alicia Keys (♪): And everybody here trying to get on top.
Yep! That would've been the realistic ending.
But, we got a fight between Spidey and Rhino!
We gotta see this!
Ho, ho, ho! This is gonna be good!
-BOOM-
-CLING-
-CLANG-
-CRASH-
-CROOOM-
WOOOOO!!!
o__o
(o__o
(o__o)
(o)__o)
(o)__(o)
(0)__(0)
(O)__(O)
O__O
NO
THEY'RE NOT!
Well.....
At least, it's not so bad!
We'll see the fight continue in "The Amazing Spider-Man 3", right?
OK!
GHUUUUUUUUUUUHH!
FFU--!
Sorry, I....
I found that..
Screaming obscenities as loud I could, while....
Being underwater, helped numb the pain.
Is that why I feel all numb?
It..
...could be that this was full about a minute ago.
Naaaaaaaah!
Can't be!
Didn't have that many!
-CLAAAAAAAANG-
Well, now that we've...
...gone through the film,
I'll now say this:
This movie...
This movie is...
This movie is FU...
This movie is FUCKING....
This movie is FUCKING ok.
Let me start with what I do like:
Andrew Garfield continues to KICK ASS as Spider-Man!
He's excellent, no matter what he's doing in these films!
Whether it be, showing off his acting chops or his comedic ones!
And the fact that there will be no "Amazing Spider-Man 3"....
....immediately makes me sad!
Mostly, because we wouldn't have seen Garfield don the suit ever again!
That's honestly, quite depressing!
Though, I'm actually...
...sort of happy, there will be no sequel to this film because...
Well, Emma Stone as Gwen Stacy wouldn't have been in it!
And, I do LOVE her in this role!
It's her character alone that makes "The Amazing Spider-Man" Duology contend with the Raimi Trilogy!
And because, she wouldn't have been in the third film....
....I think it honestly, would've suffered!
Peter will have found another love interest,
Whether it be Felicia or MJ,
And, I'd have probably gone bored!
Because, love stories in superhero films always bore me now!
We've seen everything filmmakers can do with them,
And, it's ALWAYS the same story-off!
TUS (as Peter Parker (TM)): Oh, I can't see you,
TUS (as Peter Parker (TM)): Otherwise, my enemies can get to ya!
TUS (as Mary Jane Watson): But, I don't care!
TUS (as Mary Jane Watson): I'm gonna get kidnapped anyway!
TUS (as Peter Parker (TM)): Good point!
TUS (as Peter Parker (TM)): Can we make out now?
TUS (as Mary Jane Watson): Sure.
NORUMROUMROMUORMUORMUORMOUMSLIRM
THAT or it's the whole "keeping secrets from the love interest" BULLSHIT!
Think of all the crap with Felicity and Arrow!
Hu-uhh....
Yep, yep. That was vomit.
That being said, "The Amazing Spider-Man" films,
In my opinion, have the BEST love story ever seen in a superhero film on show!
Or at least, in recent memory!
And, that's really down to the great chemistry Garfield and Stone share onscreen!
I mean, take other love stories in recent superhero films,
Black Widow & Bruce Banner:
Black Widow & Bruce Banner: POINTLESS
Star-Lord & Gamora:
Star-Lord & Gamora: Meh....
Clark Kent & Lois Lane:
Clark Kent & Lois Lane: Shoved In for The Sake of It
Tony Stark & Pepper Potts:
Tony Stark & Pepper Potts: Even THAT I Don't Buy!
I mean, Tony's an asshole! Why would anyone date him?
The point is...
...is that Peter and Gwen are the only couple in a superhero film,
whose love for one another I really buy!
Which makes it all the more sad when Gwen dies!
Though, I feel her death wasn't needed.
Peter already had lost someone at the end of the last movie,
We didn't need a repeat here!
Especially seen as how the ending to "Amazing Spider-Man 2" goes pretty much the same as "1":
Peter defeats the villain, but loses someone in the fight.
So, he sulks around a bit until he finds a recording of something a dead person said earlier in the movie,
which convinces him to go back out and fight crime as Spider-Man again.
It's these endings to Spider-Man films that are getting SO OLD now!
Out of 5 Spidey films, 4 of them end with a funeral scene,
And funnily enough, the only one that doesn't is considered the best out of the bunch!
Now, I do appreciate the dramatic way these films have,
I just hope that future Spidey films have more of a Deadpool feel to them...
...as opposed to a Dark Knight one.
But, that's just my biased opinion. You guys might feel completely differently!
But, let's move on and talk a bit about the villains!
And....let's just forget Rhino as he's not really a villain,
He's just someone to get the ball rolling.
You know, like how you got that one forgettable bad guy at the beginning of every Bond film?
He's just someone to start the film with.
Now, Enter Electro,
who I'll admit I was excited to see on the big screen!
And whilst his geeky persona is a bit OTT for my tastes
I will say admit that Jamie Foxx does do a pretty damn good job!
His transformation from suave, cool POP star to....
...well....
...well, THIS.
...well, THIS. It's pretty incredible!
Though I do wish Max wasn't quite...
Though I do wish Max wasn't quite...SO WEIRD.
Like, yeah. Make him a little weird so you can understand why he gets shit on so much.
But, if the filmmakers had made him a little bit more relatable,
I'd have had a better rapport with his character.
And therefore, I'd understand why, as Electro, he would start wrecking shit up.
But, what would really help his character would be to give him a better reason for hating Spider-Man.
Like, in the movie, he hates Spidey because...
Like, in the movie, he hates Spidey because...um.........
He forgot him and....
He forgot him and....um.......
He thought he set him up....
He thought he set him up....when...
When clearly he didn't.....
It...........
It's so weak!
Like, here's an idea:
Maybe the movie opens up with some shit going down at Oscorp.
Spidey arrives to save everyone, but doesn't quite manage to save Max and,
Let's say, Max's brother.
And, Max and his brother get electrocuted somehow,
His brother dies, but Max survives.
Then, he becomes Electro and blames Spider-Man for his brother's death!
And, HOORAY!
And, HOORAY! Identifiable Villain Motivation!
What makes a GOOD villain has a lot to do with that!
If a villain isn't insane in some way like The Joker,
He or She has to have A REASON for doing the evil shit they do!
And, I just don't buy how a character can go from adoring someone like they're his personal Jesus,
To hating him so much that they want to kill him!
The other villain in this movie though, one Harry Osborn, I find a bit more interesting.
Mostly because, he's not really a villain.
He's just a kid who wants to live through his disease, simple as that.
And Harry, unlike Max, has ample reason for hating Spider-Man,
As he wouldn't give him the blood to save his life.
Though the end of the film arrives, and this character loses...
Though the end of the film arrives, and this character loses...ALL CREDIBILITY.
On top of Dane DeHaan's prosthetic work looking AWFUL,
and his sudden reasoning for kidnapping Gwen making no sense,
I'll explain that in a minute.
It's just a simple matter of screen time!
Or, the lack thereof.
The Green Goblin in "Amazing Spider-Man 2", gets LESS screen-time here than Venom did in "Spider-Man 3"!
And the way he just shows up at the end, feels like a bonus round.
We had the fight with Electro, that would've been a great way to end!
But no, Goblin shows up to make the film longer.
And yeah, the film is about 20 minutes too long, I think.
Wouldn't it have been a better idea to use the scene of Harry transforming...
...as a nice little cliffhanger to the next film?
Harry survives anyway, so we know we'll have seen more of him in the sequel.
So, what was the point of throwing him in here at the end?
In terms of good, narrative structure, it makes no sense!
Now, if Gwen had to die,
What I would've done is this:
I'd have her killed by Electro.
Again, going back to the brother idea.
Max had someone close to him die,
So he'd have wanted Spider-Man to feel the same pain.
This was actually Harry's reasoning for wanting to kill Gwen.
But, Peter wasn't responsible for the death of anyone close to Harry, so it made zero sense!
Now, I know my ideas don't follow the comics,
But people....
But people....films are NOT carbon copies of their source material!
They're adaptations of them.
And by changing things around, we'd have gotten an ending not quite as predictable!
Yeah, the ending is painfully predictable.
No thanks to the GODAWFUL trailers that pretty much spoil EVERYTHING the movie has going for it!
INCLUDING the very end of the film!
And, I do mean the VERY END 'cause the final shot of the trailer...
...is also the FINAL SHOT OF THE MOVIE!
WHOSE IDEA WAS THAT?!
But, I think what this film MOSTLY gets wrong is...
Well, something very simple:
There's just too much going on in it!
To illustrate my point,
Let's go through the movie and review the scenes and count all the various plots and subplots here!
OK?
Starting with,
1. There's Max's story about becoming a social outcast and becoming Electro.
2. There's Harry's story about trying to find a cure for his disease and eventually becoming the Green Goblin.
3. There's a subplot about Peter finding the truth about what happened to his parents.
4. There's the bit exploring Peter and Harry's relationship.
5. There's the dilemma going on between Peter and Gwen and Peter struggling with his promise he made to Captain Stacy.
6. There's a small subplot about Aunt May going back to work at the hospital.
7. There's the bit about Oscorp trying to cover up Max's accident and pinning the blame on Harry.
8. There's a subplot about Gwen going to Oxford.
9. There's the bit about setting up with the Sinister Six-
You see how much CRAP is going on here?!
It's like someone was writing a season-long TV show
And then, someone came along and was like,
"THAAH, condense it down to ONE MOVIE!"
And, DESPITE the multitude of plot and characters,
there was actually supposed to be EVEN MORE STORY!
MJ was supposed to be in the film at one point, with actress Shailene Woodley cast;
Max had his mother show up in one scene;
There's a bit where Harry reveals to Peter that Oscorp had been spying on him since he was a kid;
And,
Here's a huge shocker for a scene they left out!
Turns out Peter's Dad, Richard Parker...
...IS ALIVE!
Yeah! In a deleted scene, he shows up at Gwen's grave,
And, it's ACTUALLY a really good scene!
Andrew Garfield, once again, knocking it out of the park with his performance!
This, REALLY should've been kept in and something else needed to be cut here!
And to make the film more streamlined,
One of the villains, I think, shoulda just been completely removed from the film.
And that should've been Harry.
We'd have already seen the Goblin in a Spidey film!
Actually, TWO iterations of him already!
And, seen as how he's shoved in at the end of the film, really makes me think his whole subplot...
...of him finding a cure for his disease,
And all that, should've been left on the cutting room floor!
Now, I do like Dane DeHaan in this movie, I think he does a great job!
But, he REALLY should've been saved for "Amazing Spider-Man 3", in my opinion.
I mean, I know it's not happening anymore, but THAT would've been the better plan!
Now, I can go ON and ON here!
There's actually a lot to talk about with this film,
But, just let me conclude that "The Amazing Spider-Man 2".....
....is a mishmash of bad ideas...
But, they're executed rather well!
And whilst, the story is too convoluted and the characters too plentiful,
It makes up for it with solid action, fun comedy, great acting and likeable leads!
And whilst, I do like this movie,
I do find it to be the worst Spider-Man film of the 5 we have.
Yeah, I honestly think it's worse than "Spider-Man 3".
But, with Spidey back in the hands of MARVEL,
It definitely has reignited my hopes for the character!
These two films were great to see!
And despite how SONY really only made them to retain the rights to Spider-Man for longer,
They did, at least, put EFFORT into the productions!
You know,
Unlike FOX.
(Groans)
At least, they do an X-Men justice!
-BANG-
Oh, and uh,
speaking of horrific, cinematic tragedies,
I'm afraid to say, the next movie I'll be reviewing is, a...
disturbing tale of a teenager who abuses his power,
kills women and children,
and yet, retains the support of his maniac wife.
Oh, and he really doesn't like SAND.
See ya guys next time.
Bring booze!
Subtitles by The Movie Hound: Thanks for Watching! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Ross!
Orin Scrivello, DDS: Say AAAAAAAH!
Electro: AAAAAAAH!
Orin Scribello, DDS: SAY AAAAAAAH!
Spider-Man (TM): AAAAAAAH!
