
[slurps, laughs]

THOMAS JEFFERSON
AND JOHN ADAMS--

THEY WERE FOUNDING
FATHERS OF AMERICA.

THEY WERE ALSO
THE BEST OF FRIENDS.

ADAMS WAS LIKE,
THE CONSTITUTION--

YOU CAN KIND OF BEND THAT
HOW YOU NEED TO BEND IT.

WE CAN KIND OF WORK
WITH THIS,

AND JEFFERSON
WAS ALWAYS LIKE,

CONSTITUTION IS
THE CONSTITUTION.

YOU CAN'T [bleep] WITH THAT.

BUT THEY LOVED EACH OTHER...

UNTIL ADAMS BECAME PRESIDENT,

AND IMMEDIATELY
THEY STARTED BUTTING HEADS.
JOHN ADAMS WAS LIKE,
IT'S ILLEGAL TO TALK ANY [bleep]
ABOUT THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES,
AND IF YOU DISAGREE
WITH THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT,
[bleep] YOU.
AND JEFFERSON WAS LIKE,
WELL, THIS IS TYRANNY.
THAT'S A VIOLATION
OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED
FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
IT ALL REALLY REACHES ITS HEAD
ON THE ELECTION OF 1800,
WHERE THESE TWO LIFELONG FRIENDS
WERE PITTED AGAINST EACH OTHER.
ADAMS IS LIKE,
IF YOU ELECT THOMAS JEFFERSON,
HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA GET.
MURDER ALL THE TIME.
EVERYBODY'S GONNA BE
MURDERING EACH OTHER.
INCEST, YOUR WIVES WILL LOSE
THEIR VIRTUE HAVING SEX
WITH A LOT OF DUDES
WILLY-NILLY.
SO JEFFERSON STARTS
TALKING A LOT OF [bleep]
ABOUT JOHN ADAMS.
WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT GUYS WHO, LIKE,
CREATED THIS COUNTRY.
THEY WERE REALLY LIKE
A BUNCH OF EIGHTH GRADERS.
HE WAS LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
ADAMS HAS PROSTITUTES
SHIPPED IN FROM OVERSEAS
THAT HE BANGS ALL THE TIME.
I'M JUST GONNA--I'M JUST
GONNA TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.
I-I FEEL LIKE I KEEP SEEING
SPIT FLYING FROM MY MOUTH.
- NO, I'M FEELING IT.
- AM I SPITTING A LOT?
- YEAH, I'M GLAD
YOU'RE SEEING IT, YEAH.
- THAT'S GOOD.
- I'M IN THE SPLASH ZONE.
- SO JEFFERSON
WENT TO THE NEWSPAPERS.
HE SAYS,
I WANT TO TELL YOU THIS--
JOHN ADAMS
IS A HERMAPHRODITE.
HE'S GOT BOTH MAN
AND WOMAN SEX ORGANS.

THIS IS, LIKE,
A PUBLISHED STATEMENT

FROM THOMAS JEFFERSON.

ADAMS WAS LIKE, OKAY, FINE.

YOU WANT TO GO THAT ROUTE?

THAT'S WHEN [bleep]
GOT REALLY DIRTY.

ADAMS SAYS, OH, BY THE WAY,
IF YOU WERE THINKING

ABOUT VOTING FOR JEFFERSON,
YOU SHOULDN'T BECAUSE HE'S DEAD.

- THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD CAMPAIGN.
- IT'S A VERY GOOD CAMPAIGN.

- VOTE FOR ME.
I'M ALIVE.

- YEAH.

EVEN IF YOU DISAGREE
WITH EVERYTHING I SAY,

AT THE VERY LEAST, I'M ALIVE.
- WOULD YOU RATHER BE ACCUSED
OF HAVING
A PENIS AND A VAGINA
OR BEING DEAD?
- I THINK BEING ALIVE
WITH A PENIS AND A VAGINA
WOULD BE AN AMAZING EXPERIENCE.
AND YOU'RE ALIVE.
- [laughs]
