 
IT IS WHAT IT IS...BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY

By

Janyata Frazier

ELECTRONIC EDITION  
SMASHWORDS EDITION

* * * * *

PUBLISHED BY:

Top Shelf Books Publish House

It Is What It Is...But It Doesn't Have To Be That Way

Copyright © 2010 by Top Shelf Books Publishing House

Thank you for downloading this free eBook. Feel free to share it with those whom you feel worthy. Please share your thoughts and comments of the book with me on the www.smashwords.com website. Your feedback not only helps create better reading products, it also helps me to gain credibility in the writing industry.

Your support and respect for the property of this author is appreciated.

This book is based on the personal thoughts of the author at the time they were written. She may or may not still hold the same beliefs. If you are offended, feel free to assume that she's changed her mind.

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I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

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IT IS WHAT IT IS...BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY

Table of Contents

The Beginning of the Book  
How The Book Works  
How The Book Works—Attempt #2  
Chapter 1: If You Can Change It—Change It. If You Can't Change It, Change You!  
Chapter 2: Goal Setting and Dream Actualization—Dreaming Ain't Enough!  
Chapter 3: Friendship—Don't Let It Sink! One Is The Loneliest Number!  
Chapter 4: Self Esteem—Like Beauty, Is In The Eye Of The Beholder  
Chapter 5: Take Care of Yourself—If You Don't Who Will?  
Chapter 6: Dealing With Disappointment—It Didn't Go Your Way. Now What?

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The Beginning of the Book

**(I'm not exactly sure what to call this part )**

I've always thought that more people should think like me, and by reading my book, you can do just that! I'm not going to say that I've got it all figured out, but I do well know one fundamental truth: there are some things that I can change, and there are some things I can't. That makes sense, doesn't it? See, that's the point I'm trying to make—I believe that I'm a logical person, and in my opinion, the things that I've written in this book are both logical and rational. But I wouldn't go so far as to say that what I've written is common sense. If it was common sense, then most people would already think like me, and there'd be no need for this book!

People are funny. People who are worked up over something they can't control are even funnier. The enjoyment I get from traveling is heightened because of how funny people are. I love flying, not only because it allows me to visit different cities around the world, but I just love watching travelers showing out because of lost baggage or a delayed or missed flight.

The delayed flight people are my favorites. I just love watching them rant and rave about the flight not taking off on time. Is it disappointing? Sure it is. But, can you do anything about it? Nope! So, times like that, it's best to take on my motto: "It is what it is." When things are out of my control, a delayed plane, lost bags or when traffic occurs, I tell myself: "It is what it is, and it's going to have to stay that way."

Yet, there are much more important situations, situations that involve you and your actions that are under your control, and it's at those times that you must realize: "It is what it is, but it doesn't have to stay that way."

I can honestly say that when I sit down to read a book, I always start at the first chapter. If you're like me, then you skip the introduction. If the book is fancy, there is a preface. I know I shouldn't admit this, but I have yet to determine the difference between an introduction and a preface. The only real difference I can come up with is that the fancier the book, the more likely they are going to call the opening pages "preface" as opposed to calling it the introduction. And since I don't really read introductions or prefaces, I have really no idea what to put in one. I suppose that it boils down to what one of my professors told me, "The introduction is where the author lays out the purpose of the book, as well as gives the theme of the work." I used quotation marks as if it's a literal quotation, but did you really expect me to remember word for word what my professor said?

All that being said, I guess I should tell you my purpose of writing of this book. Honestly? I am writing this book because I think that the things I have to say are worth listening to. (Well, worth reading at least.) Countless friends I've given advice to have told me that I should write a book. So I figured, who am I to let them down? If what I have to say can help somebody, so be it. If you read this book and do not find my words to be profound, then I suggest you look up the definition of profound and give this book another read. (Now's as good a time as any to let you know that I am sarcastic. For some people, sarcasm is right up their alley, and for those who are not fans of sarcasm, it's a good joke wasted.)

Somewhere in the introduction, the author lets the reader know why he or she is qualified to write about such a topic. My qualifications? I am currently a high school English teacher. I have had the pleasure of meeting, teaching, and working with some interesting characters. In addition to teaching English in Atlanta, Georgia, USA, I've also taught English in Kobe, Japan. Educationally, I've got a few degrees and such, but a degree doesn't make you qualified to write a book. There are many people with degrees that shouldn't even write a memo, let alone a book, and there are many that have no degree, but have wisdom and insight that could fill volumes. I'm not quite sure where I fit in. I do know that I am taking advantage of the American culture. Here in the good ol' U S of A we allow any and everybody to write a book. From what I can understand, Paris Hilton even has a book! I figure if she can write a book, and she doesn't have a real job, nor is she known for her level of good judgment—if she can write a book, then who really is going to deny me the privilege—no, the right to write a book?

Since I majored in literature in college, I was forced to read things that were less than entertaining. Surely, not every literary work assigned proved to be mentally stimulating. I sat in countless classes in which the professor made us pore over the text and attempt to add meaning and depth to works that, in my opinion, don't warrant all the hype. (Now that I've said that, I just hope I can live up to the hype! I remember telling my professors that I could have written better--well, here goes nothing!)

How The Books Works

I have a lot to say about a lot of things. That's no secret to anyone that really knows me or has ever taken one of my classes. What also is no secret is that I easily get off topic onto tangents, which, although interesting, deviate greatly from the intended topic. In graduate school, I had this professor, Kathy Froelich, which called such deviations "bird walks." That makes my proclivity to deviate sound so nice and cute. Cute or not, it is what it is, and apparently it's going to stay that way. (I promise you I have some sort of attention deficit, and yes, I am aware that there is a fancy razzle dazzle name for such a disorder. And yes--I am aware that I have strayed from what I was originally discussing. But back to what I was saying.)

How The Book Works—Attempt #2

So here is the breakdown of the book--I've written down principles and beliefs that I've managed to live my life by. It's weird, because when people think of a person of wisdom, no one ever really thinks that a person of such young years. I'm definitely under 40. I think people start letting you be wise at around 40. Who would think that someone so young would have experienced enough things to have developed principles for others to live their lives by?

I changed so much as a result of my experience in Japan. Things that I thought were important were not so important when I got back. Nor were the people I thought were guaranteed to be there in my life the people I gravitated toward when I returned. My life was different. My outlook on things was different—I was different. I found out that I didn't need to be as controlling as I originally had been for the majority of my life. There were few things in which the outcome actually mattered, so why worry about it? (I'm not sure how I got to this point. When I was physically in Japan, I wasn't this nonchalant person that I became after my experience. Some kind of way, between the time we took off and the landing of the plane, my outlook changed. I began to sit back and actually look at things, and it seems to me that these principles can be used and applied in almost any situation by any group of people.)

In an attempt to keep things in some sort of order, I have structured this book around a few main topics that I feel are very important. In each section, I have included my personal philosophies and opinions. As far as I know, I actually made these things up. (I read so much; I really hope I haven't lifted them from somewhere unknowingly. But for the sake of the book, I made them up. I often have rattled off some or all of them to students or friends over time as some sort of maxim to help them choose the proper course to take. I sometimes amaze myself at how easy I make problem-solving seem. I find it easier to help others than to solve my own problems. Since the publication of the first edition—there have been many times that my friends have quoted my very own words to me as advice. )

But yes, how this works...(attempt # 3, but who's counting?) There are principles and beliefs that run throughout the book, and I share with you the events and circumstances that led me to learn the value of these principles and beliefs. You can read the book in order, or you can pick and choose which section appeals to you most. (For all of you non-readers out there, I do apologize that I couldn't get this book in some cool pamphlet format or on some video game. Maybe if I blow up I can get it sold on Audio Books! It'd be neat to have somebody read my book. I wonder who could I get to do the voiceover? Maybe I can get the guy from the Allstate commercials. He has a very prestigious sounding voice, and people will listen to just about anything he says. Or, better yet, someone like Oprah would do wonders for my book. Can you imagine Oprah doing a voice over for my book? People listen to and follow Oprah as if she penned the Ten Commandments personally. My book would become law!

So back to how the book works. (They say third time's the charm!) I suggest you read the book straight through. The order in which it appears is the order that my mind conceived it, and later portions of the book build on things discussed earlier. I've added a little section in the back "Since the last time..." to sprinkle in a few of the new tidbits that I have gleaned from some experiences that have occurred in my life since the first publication.

But hey—it's your book, you can read it how you want.

If You Can Change It—Change It. If You Can't Change IT, Change YOU!

Just let that sit and marinate for a bit. Most of the things that make you unhappy you actually have the power to change. But even if it becomes obvious that you can't change it, all is not lost, because you have the power to change you. That's the extent of your power. That's the first thing I suggest we all stop and recognize: we have limited amounts of power in this world. In any given situation, there is a limit to what you as an individual can do. Your power is always going to be limited —except when dealing with yourself. When you are dealing with you, your power is limitless.

Almost everything you dislike about yourself, you have the power to change. And with those things you can't change, you have the power to change your attitude and your perception. You and only you can change them from being problems to being assets.

Think your life would be better off if you were thinner? Go on a diet, lose the weight. Ladies, don't like your hair? Think that the new style of the celebrity of your choice would add to your appearance? Either cut yours, grow some, or go buy some— but stop complaining about what your hair won't do—change it. Don't like where you live? Think your city is either too large or too small? That's an easy one—move! Tired of feeling like you are in a dead-end job? Get more training and get a better job.

I know I made it seem easier than it really is, but maybe that's how you have to look at it. Let's stop looking at everything as being the most complicated or hardest thing you have ever had to do, because that'll give you a case of the "can'ts" and once you catch the "cant's" you might as well say: "I'm fat because I want to be"I have this low end job because I want to stay where I am."

Let me illustrate this for you. Imagine you are in a room and you want to rearrange the furniture. So you start moving what you can move. Lamps, chairs and other small things are easy to move. You move those several times. Does the lamp look better over here? Or over there? Can't decide? Let's try it out in both places. Then there's the heavier furniture. With a little bit more effort, you slide the sofa from against the wall to face the television. The sofa's not as easy to move as the lamp is, but you put your back into it, and it slides across the floor. Now it's time to move the entertainment center. You push; it doesn't budge. You push harder, still nothing. Now you've got choices: 1) go and get some help, thus adding more power to the situation, or 2) realize that the entertainment center looks just great where it is!

Some things can be easily changed—moving of lamps, plants, and small furniture. Generally, those are cosmetic things.

What things don't you like about yourself? Better yet, let's break it down into two categories: physical attributes and personality characteristics. What physical changes do you want to make, and what changes do you feel you'd like to make to your personality?

Grab a sheet of paper, something to write with, and recreate this chart.

What I'm about to tell you will work for both the physical and personality changes you want to make. But to make things easier we'll start with the physical.

I don't know about you, but somebody somewhere reading this book wants to either be bigger or thinner. The fellas tend to want to bulk up, and the ladies tend to want to get leaner. Either way, this is something you have power to change. That's a cosmetic change. It's like painting a room. You didn't change the structure of the room; you used what was there to make it more cosmetically appealing.

I watch enough television to know that there are healthy ways to get the body you want. There are countless books that you can skim through at your local book store that will tell you the healthy way to drop fat and gain muscle mass. You have the power to achieve your ideal weight.

But on second thought, I can't say that for sure. You can only achieve your ideal weight if you are attempting to reach an attainable body image. I know for a fact I wasn't designed to be small. No matter how much I try, I'm always going to be "bigger than small." My bones aren't thin, my frame isn't thin; that's just not how I was designed. A long time ago I realized I wasn't going to be able to change "it," -- I had to change how I looked at "it."

But generally, it's within your power to get some version of your ideal body image. That's something that's within your control. Losing weight or bulking up may be more like moving the sofa - you may have to put your back into it, but it's definitely doable. That's within your power.

Getting your home just the way you want it takes time, energy, patience, and money. Turning your house into a home may take several years. The same is true in connection with your physical characteristics. Those are step-by-step changes. You can come in and do a complete overhaul doing major work all at once; or you can do like I do -- fix up little by little. I keep tweaking myself until I get me just how I want to be.

Physical characteristics are important. After all, the condition of the container often determines if someone ever takes the time to examine the contents. A pretty container that's empty is useless to me when I'm hungry. So, being a drop-dead knock-out and having nothing upstairs will only get you so far. (We all know some that are pleasing to the eye, but once they open their mouths, there is nothing worthwhile listening to coming out. When that happens I just look at them in amazement and say " Wow! You're so pretty.")

The contents of the container are often more important than the container itself. But if you are honest with yourself (and I hope you will be honest), both the container and the contents matter. If you are as shallow as I am, the container sometimes determines if I ever get to look at the contents. Companies change product packaging all the time to attract new customers. But loyal customers could care less about the packaging. Once we realize that it's the same Coca-Cola, just a different can or bottle, we accept the new container because we value the contents. Once you come to value the contents, it really doesn't matter what container it comes in.

So, your true friends will be there whether you lose the weight or not, whether you cut or color your hair or not. Even if life bangs up your container a little bit, they will still be there because they value your contents—your personality.

But I told you I'd help you work on your container as well as your personality. So let's work on your contents—your personality. How do you describe yourself? (I'm not a fan of online dating, and I hate filling out profiles on things like Facebook and MySpace, but I love reading them. It amazes me how people see themselves.)

What I am a big fan of is writing things down, so once again, let's put pencil to paper. (The right column from the previous chart can go in the middle column now)

I have a feeling that some of you aren't really writing these things down. Actually take the time to write them down. Make and KEEP the charts to track your growth and self perception.

People usually have a skewed view of themselves. How you see yourself, and how others see you almost never match up, but that's not a bad thing. Often the things you don't like about yourself are the very things that others like most about you. I bet you're now curious of what others are thinking of you. There's only one way to find out—ask them. But be careful who you ask. Everybody's opinion of you can't and shouldn't matter. I'll touch on how to decide who to ask and what to ask in a later section.

An honest assessment of yourself is important, but what's the use of taking stock of yourself if you aren't going to change anything? The Bible book of James mentions a man who examines himself in the mirror, and then forgets what he sees by the time he walks away. That's the same as looking in the mirror, noticing that you've got stains on your clothes, or that your hair is out of place, but you leave without making any corrections.

I can only think of two reasons why people don't change things that need changing: 1) they just honestly have no clue how to change them or 2) they know it's not right, but don't want to do what it takes to change them.

Let's first take the former—clueless as how to change to get the desired results. To me, it's very simple: "Fake it 'til you make it." If you have something in your personality that you want to change, start with displaying the behaviors that you would have if you didn't have that problem. I know it sounds easier than it is, but sometimes you have to pretend that things are easy.

I, for one, am very shy. In fact, the older I get, the less likely I am to feel comfortable around a group of strangers. No one seems to believe that, especially considering my career of dealing with a group of hormonally charged teenagers every day, but I've got a perfect explanation for that. You do what you have to do, and keep it moving. With my students, I can't show fear, so I don't.

When I go to parties, I psych myself up. A person who isn't shy would walk in, give the group a warm hello, and quickly gravitate to a group of people in which she can feel comfortable. So that's what I do. I also challenge myself to talk to at least one person that I wouldn't normally talk to. Eventually, this group of people will accept me as an outgoing person. Have I changed my psychological makeup? No—I just changed how I look at it. I've also changed the expectations of others. People will treat me as the "new and revised version" thus forcing me to continue to be that person. When it's not to my benefit to be shy, I try my best to stretch myself out of my comfort zone and attempt to display the behaviors that I so deeply wish were natural. At times, being shy (or as I'd like to better refer to it, being reserved), is not a negative thing at all. I don't think I've missed out on formulating any meaningful relationships because I was too shy. I am what I am, and I make what I have work for me.

A personality trait that I had that I wasn't too proud of was my quick temper. Growing up, and especially in high school, I had a quick temper. I'd get boiling hot like those little cartoon characters with the steam coming out of their ears. But as I grew up and matured, I realized that my getting mad did very little to help me get my way. More often than not, by jumping to conclusions, I'd make something that wasn't so serious into something very serious, very quickly, and in the end, not only would I not get my way, I'd feel guilty about having said something that I'd later have to go and retract. I hate, absolutely hate apologizing for saying things I shouldn't have said—so to avoid that, I had to actually work on calming down that temper. I also realized that the first thing that popped in my head most often was the worst possible thing I could say. Even today, the first, second and sometimes third things that pop up in my mind never make it out to the public. Daddy always said be quick about hearing, and slow about speaking. So if you see me not speaking, it's because I'm waiting for the fourth thing to pop up. I'm so desperately trying to display the behavior of a person who isn't plagued with a quick temper. The more I do it, the more it becomes a part of me, and the more natural it feels. After a while, people came to expect that of me, and who am I to disappoint the people?

Some of you are out there skeptically reading this. And some are even wondering if I'm telling you to be "fake." Yup, that's exactly what I'm saying. Sometimes you've got to follow one of my other mottos "Fake it until you can make it." Eventually you won't have to concentrate on displaying that new behavior, you will be just used to it.

It's kind of like working out. In the beginning, aren't we all faking it? Aren't we all stretching our bodies, and forcing it to do things we don't want to do, until it becomes a habit? Eventually, yes, my body will actually crave being taken to its max, but in the beginning, who really likes that achy feeling you get when you first started working out? But the next day, and the day after that, it hurts less and less, and it becomes more of a habit. Before you know it, when folks ask you about your workout routine, you'll hear yourself saying "I always..." Is that a lie? No, you did it until it became what you do---it became you. Nowadays when I tell folks of my temper, they laugh. It's become a part of me to not get too bent out of shape as quickly. I haven't perfected it, I still sometimes revert back to my old habits—after all, old habits die hard—but I'm working on it.

∞∞∞∞∞∞

So, let's sum this all up. Some things you can change, and they are easy to change. You can change your container as much and as often as you like. Container changes are important, and they help you attract new "customers," but your loyal customers, your friends, will support you no matter what because they've come to value your "contents." With your contents, your personality, there are things you can change, and there are some things you'll have to accept. Those that you want to change, and can change—change them. It's within your power. Those that are beyond your power, learn to accept them, and look at them as benefits. After all, no two people have the same containers and contents and that's okay. It is what it is... change what you can and let the rest "do what it do."

∞∞∞∞∞∞

Goal Setting and Dream Actualization—Dreaming Ain't Enough!

Straight off the bat, let's get something straight. There is a difference between a "goal" and a "dream". People often use the two words interchangeably, and while it doesn't burn me up or anything, it does slightly annoy me. And since I'm hoping to mold the minds of others so that they'd think like me, I might as well get them to talking like me too.

Goals and dreams sound and look like two different words because they are. Goals are the building blocks that help you create your final product—the dream. There is a big difference between a brick and a brick home. You can't have a brick home without bricks, but having bricks doesn't guarantee you'll have a brick home.

With that being said, it's obvious that goals are essential; they are the very things that dreams are made of. I know you've heard people say "If you can dream it, you can achieve it." When kids are in elementary school, they get that notion drilled into them. They walk around grinning from ear to ear excited about their "dreams." But somewhere between the fourth grade and eighth grade that wonderment wanes, and by the time they reach me, in the tenth, eleventh or twelfth grade, I'm scrambling around trying to revive the embers that are left over from their extinguished fire. I spend much of my time trying to convince many apathetic students that earning a high school diploma is a dream within their reach, if only they'd stretch up to grab it.

But what about that student that becomes what we call a "Super Senior?" He is the student that is staring at his 20th birthday and he's yet to snatch that diploma. Did he dream of being where he is now? Just what went wrong?

I'll tell you what went wrong. Folks always tell you to dream, and dream big even, but they leave out one key concept—how to actualize or achieve your dream. Dream actualization is just as important as dreaming. Dream actualization occurs by making and meeting goals. Each goal you set, and meet should take you one or two steps closer to making your dream a reality.

So, it seems both evident as well as imperative that you first identify your dreams. You should have various types of dreams. The most common types of dreams are academic, professional and spiritual dreams.

Writing this book has been a dream of mine since I was like eight years old. I'm not expecting you to believe I always had the dream of writing a motivational book, but I did always have the dream of writing a book. Just what type of book it would be was to be determined as I got older and was exposed to different types of books and different life experiences.

So, just how does a dream become a reality? There are several steps you must take, and I'll try my best to put them in some sort of logical order.

—Write It Down—

That's something very simple, yet crucial. You have a dream, so you write it down. When you write down things, it intensifies your level of commitment. Why do you think people are so leery of making written agreements? As long as it's not put down in black and white, they can go back and forth and say, 'that's not what I meant,' or find some loop hole to justify why they needn't hold up their end of the deal. But that's not how you want to deal with your dreams and your level of commitment to your dreams.

If you're ever privileged enough to come to my home, and need to use my bathroom, you'll see just exactly what my dreams are. I've got them written on my mirror. I use a dry erase marker to list my dreams on my mirror. When I wake up, I'm faced with my dreams. When I brush my teeth, I do so while looking at my dreams. When I'm combing my hair, applying my makeup—I'm staring not only at my reflection, but also my at dreams. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not faced with my dreams. That's the way it ought to be. Your dreams should surround you. I'm a big fan of writing things on the mirror, but if that's not you, or you have to share your mirror space, write your dreams somewhere else where you will have to see them. Stick them on your lamp on your bedside table. Put a Post-it Note ® on your mirror on your dresser, or even place it on your refrigerator. Anywhere is a good place, as long as it's a place you will access daily.

I also have a "dream notebook." In my dream notebook, I have sections dedicated to each dream, and space in between where I can write down the goals it's going to take me to actualize each dream. This is my notebook. It's not a notebook that I share with others, or leave lying around. So, whether it's in a notebook or on your mirror, write down your dreams.

—Tell Somebody Your Dream—

This is both tricky and necessary. Let's first establish why it's necessary. Telling somebody else your dreams makes you accountable. If you say you're going to do something, and you don't tell anybody, it's of little consequence if you don't actually do it.

For example, imagine telling a little kid that you are going to take him to Disney World. Every time he sees you heading toward the door, he's right behind you, hoping that you're going to make his dreams come true by taking him to Disney World. It's almost like kids have supersonic hearing, because they come out of nowhere when they hear those keys jingle when you reach for your car keys. For the child, those keys may be the keys that are going to start the car that's going to drive him to Disney World. Eventually, you break down and take him. Not so much because you wanted to go, but you didn't want to go back on your word. He was holding you to your word. You said "We're going to Disney World," and come what may, that's what he's expecting you to do—take him to Disney World.

Now imagine that you didn't tell the child you're taking him to Disney World. Let's say it's a secret. You may still actually do it, or you may not. It just depends on how the wind blows. Without the pressure of those bright eyes looking up at you, the chances of you reaching your goal if things get rough are slim to none. If you have to use the vacation money to fix the car or pay a bill, what's the chance of you saving the money again for Disney World if he doesn't know that you want to take him?

You and I both know that you only tell a kid you're going to do something if you're certain you're going to do it. But that's how dreams should be. Once you put it out there—you've got to do it. Which is the same reason many people don't put their dreams out there because they are afraid that they may not reach them.

I understand that fear, but it's that same fear that can be so crippling that you end up getting nothing accomplished. Take this book, for instance. When I started off, I was so gung-ho about writing my book. I told anybody and everybody who asked me what I was doing about the book I was writing. Then life happened. I got busy at work. My health started to fail. I even fell in and out of love during the course of the writing of this book. I did the unthinkable: I allowed the pressures of life to push my book to the back burner.

When I'd run into people I hadn't seen in a while, they'd ask me, "So how's the book coming? When are you going to get it published? Am I in it?" I'd chuckle and smile, attempting to hide the guilt. I'd tell them that I'm still working on it, and that it's coming slowly but surely. The constant reminders of my verbalized dream actually pushed me to once again, turn up the heat on my project. So in this case, verbalizing my dream actually motivated and pushed me to carry it out.

But, remember that I said that sharing your dream can be both tricky and necessary? We've discussed why it's necessary; let me explain to you why it's tricky.

You must be careful who you share your dreams with. I'd love to tell you that your friends and family are going to rally around you and your dream and cheer you on, but I promised myself I wouldn't knowingly lie to you. Everybody isn't going to be happy for you and your dreams, nor will they all support you by saying you can achieve them.

It's going to be a shocker of who actually supports your dream, and who discourages you. Naively, you'd think that your closest friends and your family members will be your biggest cheerleaders. WRONG. Often, they are the biggest hecklers of your dreams, and you actually internalize their words most because you feel that they are the ones that know you best. And if the ones that know you best say you can't do something, then, maybe they are right. After all, why would they knowingly rain on your parade?

It's simple. They don't have all the facts. They don't know how bad you want it; they can't measure your inner drive. Sure, they know you, but they only know what you've shown them. If your dream is to master an instrument, and they've never seen you master anything before, then why would they think that you could master something now? If you've shown them that you are a slacker and a quitter, they might discourage you from setting the bar so high, so as not to breed more disappointment and failure.

Another reason why friends and family can become naysayers is subconsciously, they base their support on whether they could actualize that certain dream or not. Their fears and reservations about whether or not they could or would do it get transferred on your ability and your dream.

Case in point—I'm a volunteer on a building crew. My father has been a volunteer for many decades. So, I told him I wanted to join, and he gave me an application, and told me about the next scheduled project. I was so excited. I could barely sleep the night before. I made sure I went out and bought myself a Dickies® jump suite. I had a tool belt (with borrowed tools of course), a hard hat and my very own safety goggles. I was R-E-A-D-Y. My father introduced me around to his friends on the site, and told me who I'd need to talk to about getting placed on a crew.

Little did he know, I already knew what crew I wanted. I wanted to be a roofer. I'd met several women roofers, and I knew that this was the crew for me. (Not to mention the cool stickers that their crew leader gave each of them at the end of each project.) This was all the motivation I needed to know that this was the crew for me.

So, off I went in to speak to the man my father told me would place me on a crew. I introduced myself to him, and I told him that I'm James Frazier's daughter. He smiled, and asked me about my level of previous experience. I jokingly told him that I'm a schoolteacher by day, that I'm not too handy around the house, but I'm a quick learner. He then asked me where I would be interested in working. I told him I wanted a crew that would allow me to use my hammer. I eagerly whipped my hammer out of my suede leather tool belt to show him I was prepared.

He said, "How'd you like to work on the roof?"

I tried to hold down my excitement. I coolly responded, "The roof could work," shrugging my shoulders as if it were of no importance where he placed me.

He then asked "Are you afraid of heights?"

I told him I wasn't.

He said, "More importantly, are you afraid of ladders?" I smiled and assured him that I wasn't.

He looked over my paperwork again, and then filed me under roofing. He welcomed me aboard, and gave me the name of my crew leader.

It took all I could not to bolt out of there screaming at the top of my lungs. I was oh-so-excited. Outside, I found my father leaning against his pickup truck with a family friend.

"Daddy! Daddy! Guess where he put me?!" I was grinning from ear to ear. Before he could even guess, I blurted out, "The roof!"

He dropped his smile, and looked over at his friend. Then they both looked at me.

"The roof? Are you sure, Jan? Don't you want to do something a little closer to the ground? They didn't need anyone in painting? Aren't you going to be scared? Don't you want to help me in permits and zoning?"

I could feel my smile going away. Quickly his friend chimed in, "Frazier, she looks like she's got her mind made up, but I wouldn't want my daughter on no roof." Boom! That was all it took. Then dad said, "I don't know Jan, you know we are afraid of heights."

"We are afraid of heights?" No, HE is afraid of heights. He put his fears on my dreams. Because he didn't feel comfortable up high, he just assumed that I couldn't handle the roof.

And just like that, he found the man who gives out the assignments, and strongly suggested that I be placed in the painting department. So, sad to say, I traded in my hammer for a paint brush. Just like that, my dream of being a roofer was usurped by the fears and nay saying of my father.

Now, I don't want you to read this and think ill of my father. I actually do love him, and I know he was just trying to keep me from being hurt. After all, that's been his main concern for nearly the past 30 something years, keeping me, his daughter, out of harm's way. That's what parents do. They don't want to see us get hurt, so they shield us from situations that they feel may be potentially dangerous or risky. When we bring up something to them, they quickly calculate the risks, and if the risks outweigh the benefits, they shy us away from it.

And if you're anything like me, you can't stand failure, and even worse, you hate hearing "I told you so," so when a goal seems like it's going to be risky, and my parents or close friends are against it, it's hard for me to stand up and strive for it anyway.

So essentially, I punk myself out of goals because of fear of what might happen if I'm not able to follow them through. (That didn't feel good typing. It feels even worse to consider how I've abandoned dreams just because my parents or friends didn't eagerly rally around me when I shared certain dreams with them.)

I won't belabor the past, but for the record, my professional goal was to become a cosmetologist. I then morphed my love for hair and my fascination of the dead into a dream of being a mortician. But both of those dreams got trampled on and so I went for safety: I became a teacher. Becoming a teacher was a compromise. It's something that my parents viewed as safe (I laugh at that every time I see a fight, and hear about shootings at schools around the nation) and it's something that I enjoy doing, and some people actually say I'm good at it! 

Do I regret becoming a teacher? No. I love what I do. Anyone who knows me knows that I love what I do. But is there a part of me that's always going to wonder "what if?" Yes. And cases of the "what ifs" can't be cured until you actually make an effort to do what you wanted to do in the first place. If this were a movie, I'd be able to proudly tell you that I'm enrolled in school for mortuary science after all these years, but this is real life, and in real life I've signed yet another contract to teach another year of school, and I'm so excited about it, I can't stand it!

—Dream With Dreamers—

You have to have a safe place to share your dreams, and it needn't always be with close friends and family members. You need to find a dream partner. A dream partner is someone you both trust and respect to be honest with you, and to provide you with encouragement.

When I was working on getting this book started, I actually started a Dream Club. I got together some folks I knew that were in the process of working on their own dreams, and I knew they knew what it was like to have a dream bigger than their current reality. We'd get together, usually over a meal, and update each other on the progress of our goals.

Everybody can't and won't start a Dream Club. But you at least need a partner. You've got to know at least one person that can help you keep focused on actualizing your dreams.

The best thing is to find someone that has already done what you're trying to do. The benefits of this go without saying, but I feel the need to say them anyway. Doing so saves you time, money, heartache, and in some cases, embarrassment.

Can you achieve your dream without the help of someone who's already done what you want to do? Sure you can, but why would you want to? That's as insane as attempting to cross a land mine and not asking the person on the other side how to cross safely. People who have demonstrated a measure of success in your area of interest can help guide your steps, thus helping you to avoid stepping on hidden and sometimes not-so-hidden mines that can prevent you from safely making your dream a reality.

Think about it—they've already made several mistakes. They always say that "hindsight is 20/20." I don't know about you, but I'd rather take on a task with as close to 20/20 vision as possible!

Having a dream team or simply a dream partner is invaluable. When the going gets rough—they'll make you "Ford tough" and help you keep ticking. As I was writing this book, I had several supportive people with whom I could discuss my progress or lack thereof and get the much-needed strength and encouragement to press on.

—Make Sure It's What You Want—

To achieve your dream you must set goals. Remember, goals are the bricks that if strategically placed can help you get that brick house.

Before you set off all gung-ho, ready to go, make sure it's actually your dream—therefore making the goals you set your goals. Ask yourself: Just why am I doing this? Is this something I want to do because I want it? Or, is this something I want to do to please my friends and family? For instance: Am I really becoming a lawyer because I have a deep respect for the legal system and I am dedicated to making sure that due process is given to those in need? Or, am I going to spend years in school to become a lawyer because it's what my parents always thought I'd be?

I could use the lives and circumstances of my friends to help prove the necessity of making sure you're doing it for you, but because I want to keep them as friends, I'll just stick with using my personal life as our source of examples.

Okay, so I'm a teacher. However, like I've already said, that wasn't always my dream, and that definitely wasn't my parents' dream for me. I come from a real estate family. Both my father and mother are real estate brokers. If time and circumstances permit, my mom and dad will proudly tell you how, in the early 70s, they were both laid off and my mom saw a listing for a real estate course in the Sunday paper. My mother, with full confidence in her husband, convinced my father that he should take a large portion of their meager savings and use it to pay for the class. And that he did. That choice, that investment, has afforded him the means to provide for his family, and fulfill his dreams. He'd always wanted to own his own business and my mother also has an entrepreneurial side, so it's a good match.

My mother joined my father, and she also became a real estate agent, and then later a broker. My brother James, he too sells real estate, and he also followed my parents' footsteps and became a broker. He took it a step further, and became a house appraiser, and guess what? James Sr. and Jeanette also are licensed house appraisers. Like I said, I come from a real estate family. Then there's Jan.

Jan's a teacher. I never saw real estate in my future. But that didn't always sit well with my father. He naturally wanted me to go into real estate. If not real estate, then to at least be an entrepreneur and run my own business and call my own shots.

So I listened to my family, and entered real estate. I opted for the online classes, so I could "go at my own pace" (a snail's pace is more like it). I did everything but sit down in front of that computer and log in the mandatory hours necessary for the state test I was told I'd take and pass.

I just couldn't bring myself to carve out the time for this great opportunity that was placed before me. It was a great goal—it just wasn't mine.

Don't get me wrong, I am not an ingrate. I know how much the profession has done for my family, and I know that there is a value in it. I did sit down and eventually go through the motions, and learn the material. I even scored highly on the test. Yes, by the age of 19, I'd earned my real estate license. I even sold houses. (I just made sure I sold enough to help with college tuition, because, like I said, Jan's a teacher.)

—"The List"—

"It's on the list." That's my answer for just about everything I do. People ask me, how did you end up teaching in Japan? My response? "It was on the list."

I first made a stab at organized dream making and goal setting when I was 17. I sat down, and wrote down a list of things I'd like to do by the time I reached the age of 24. The list was very extensive; it contained both big and small things. My list ranged from earning a bachelor's degree, which I would need for my career, to small, somewhat silly things such as wearing a wig, or running up an escalator that's descending. I have no idea why wearing a wig was something I just had to try, nor am I even sure why playing in a band was something that I just had to do (you'd think that junior high school cured me of this), but, no matter how silly it was, if I wanted to do it, I put it on the list. And, once it was on the list, I was committed to getting it done.

So, what's on your list? What do you want to accomplish? When is it due? Write it down, and set a date. You want to kiss in the rain? Put it on your list. You want to learn to drive a stick shift? Put it on the list. You want to be able to speak a new language? Put it on the list. Give yourself a reasonable time frame to accomplish it.

If someone sees you stopped at a red light, and you and your passengers get out to run around the car, and hop back in again, and they want to know why...tell them "It was on my list!"

—Set Your Goals—

I've got a riddle for you: How do you eat an elephant?

Give up?

One bite at a time!

Lame as that riddle is, I promise you I didn't make that one up! But yes, that's what you have to do with your dream. Take that bad boy and just break it down, and you work away at it, one goal, or "bite" at a time.

My mother is from Wilmington, North Carolina. (If you've never been you really ought to, the city is beautiful.) Anyway, growing up, we'd travel back and forth from Atlanta to Wilmington. I'd be so excited when I'd find out that we were headed that way—but it's a six hour drive. A six hour trek wreaks havoc on a child's patience.

I knew that we took I-20 to get there, but it seemed like the miles just overwhelmed me until I figured out a trick. Instead of telling myself that I was going to from Atlanta to Wilmington, I'd trick myself by cutting down my trip into several little more manageable trips. I'd tell myself that I'm just going from Atlanta to Augusta. That's only a two hour trip. Once in Augusta, I knew we'd stop for gas, and even spend some time with my Aunt Portia and her family, and then we'd head further north. My next trip would be from Augusta to Columbia, South Carolina. Once in Columbia, I'd set my forth with my next goal, Florence, South Carolina. In Florence, we'd usually stop for a snack, and fill up the car. Then I knew that shortly we'd trade I-20 for 1-95 and then 74, and before long, we'd be crossing the drawbridge into Wilmington. The bridge was my favorite part. I knew that bridge meant that that we'd reached Wilmington.

If your dream is to clean out your house and get it organized—that's great, but that's huge! Break it down. Start with a room, and then, break that down. Pick a closet. Work with that. Cross it off the list, and then move on to a dresser. Clean that out. Cross it off the list. You'll start to feel more accomplished, and it seems do-able, and you can then tackle your computer desk. Once you stand back, and start seeing the fruits of your labor (piles and piles of trash bags in the hall, and a clear pathway from the door to your bed, and not to mention your list getting shorter), you feel like you can do a little bit more, so then you gain the courage to peek under the bed! It's not as bad under there as you thought, and you get down on your hands and knees, and you clean that out too. Before long, hours have passed, and your room is spotless, and your list is getting shorter and shorter! (I have no earthly idea how clean or dirty your house is, this is just an example.)

For certain dreams, be sure to do your homework! For instance, if your dream is to graduate from college with an associate's or bachelor's degree, you've got to first do your homework before you can successfully actualize your goal.

Sometimes when I ask my students if they plan to go to college, they give me the "duh" look, and quickly reply, "Yeah, I'm gonna go." So, then I ask, "What college are you going to?" Most can give me a name or two of a prestigious college, but then the conversation goes downhill from here.

I then ask "Oh yeah? What was it like when you visited?"

Crickets chirping.

"What is the GPA requirement to get in?"

Crickets.

"What SAT range do you have to have to get in?"

More crickets. You'd think I'd stop, but oh, no, you know me, I keep going.

"What did you make on your SAT? You did take it didn't you?" Silence. Then, I get some lame attempt to diffuse the tension "Man, Ms. Frazier, why you gotta be asking so many questions, I got this, man!" (My cousin is the king of the expression "I got this," meaning that he's got it under control. Umm, maybe not so much.)

Do your homework! Now if my students (usually I'm having this one-sided conversation with my juniors and seniors) had done their homework, the tension wouldn't be as thick, and they could actually feel confident because they are working on a clear-cut path to their dreams. A 15-minute reading of the college's website would have told them all the answers to my questions. They'd know if they were working in the right direction to be an acceptable candidate for that college or university.

And while we're at this, you've got to do your homework early. In the 9th or 10th grade, if not earlier, they should have taken out the 15 minutes to check the college's website because if they needed to take some corrective measures—i.e., boost up a GPA, aim for a certain score on the SAT, or get involved in some extracurricular activities to earn some scholarships, they'd have time to restructure their habits, they would have time to actually go about reaching those goals, thus making their dreams one step closer to a reality. Senior year, last semester is a wee bit too late to say "I'm going to college, but I have no idea what it takes to get there."

I just have to get this point in there—waiting until the last minute to focus on a dream, thus a failure to set appropriate goals, forces you to make compromises. When you are racing time and your back is against the wall, you have to take what you can. I say, plan ahead! Don't settle and "take what you can get," plan ahead and take what you want.

—Do It Now—

You want to lose weight? You want a better look? Why are you waiting until Monday? I never understood that. Why do diets start on Monday or worse yet—the new year? That's what we call procrastination, people!

Here's my motto (I actually got this from Oprah, I think): The moment you feel you need to make a change, you change right then. You're sitting around watching TV, and you see a special about the importance of working out, or eating healthy, or saving money, whatever you need to be doing that you're not doing. So you say to yourself, and yourself says "Hmm?" "We need to go on a diet." Or, "We need to work out." Or, "We need to set a budget." If you are convinced you need to make a change, take steps right then! Get down on the floor and do a few sit ups and some pushups. Go to the cabinet and throw out those tempting cookies. Go walk five or 10 minutes on the treadmill. Do something to prove to yourself that this is a goal you are committed to achieving.

My students kill me with "I'm going to do better next semester." Why are you waiting until next semester? Waiting gives you days of practice at a bad habit. Start now. Start making the changes that you need to be a stronger student now, so that when next semester comes, it'll be a habit. Work out now. Do something now! Be about action.

—Work Your Plan and Plan To Work—

Whatever it is that you have put on your list of goals that will lead you to your dream, work at it urgently. I admire rappers. Sure, they are degrading women, glorifying drug usage, and yes, they foster materialism on an unimaginable scale, but they are also doing something right too.

The rappers that actually make it, the ones that ascend from that underground realm of unnotoriety, are truly worthy of being role models. Before you discount what I'm saying, just think about it. These guys have an excellent work ethic. They beat the odds. These are the guys that society said would be nothing. These are the ones that didn't take business classes, didn't really have a road map to follow, but they had one thing you must have—drive. They call it being on their "grind." They have this inner hustle that really can't be denied. They had a dream and they went after it.

Late night, while their friends were sleeping, they were in the studio. While everyone else was living from day to day, they were rapping on the corners, or waiting outside of the clubs to pass off a demo tape to an A&R rep. They had a million doors slammed in their faces, but knew it only took one yes. So, in search of that one yes, they worked and they strove. Once they "made it", they made songs in testament to their struggles. Rick Ross wants everyone to know that everyday he's "hustling." I'm not saying go out and get a pair of baggy pants, a chain of canary diamonds and a lavish pad in South Beach, but what I am saying is "Work Your Plan and Plan to Work."

—Making Decisions—

Everything comes down to a decision you either made to do, or not do something. I can't tell you what decisions to make. But what I do know is you need to make one good decision after another.

One decision I know you need to make is to turn off the television. When you are watching TV, you are watching other people make money. You're watching other people live out their dreams. They are working-- what are you doing? When I watch programs like "Behind the Music," that give behind the scenes information on the rise, and sometimes fall of an artist, one thing you don't see them doing when they are discussing the rise is watching TV. All of these artists, on the little home videos that they've sent in, are diligently working on their goals. They aren't spending hours watching TV, or surfing the 'net. Turn off the TV and focus on you. Stop watching other people's dreams become a reality.

In addition to turning off the TV, when posed with what seems like a difficult decision, ask yourself, "Is this taking me closer to my goal, or further away? Will this help me meet my goals, or will this sidetrack me?" I'd love to tell you that's a conversation that's natural; however, I can tell you that it can become second nature if you have it enough.

So you've turned off the TV, you're asking yourself the right questions, and you still make a bad decision. Hey, it happens. The biggest mistake we make is making a bad decision as a result of another bad decision. Don't beat yourself up; just make sure that your next decision is a good decision.

Let me illustrate it with something that commonly happens. Let's say that you are on a diet, and you've cut out sweets for a few weeks. You slip up, make a bad choice, and you choose to eat piece of cake, or some cookies. (For me, it'd be ice cream. I can't say no to cookies and cream ice cream lately. I have no idea why that's the case, but it is what it is.) So, you've slipped up. You feel bad. Do you say, 'oh well, I'll try again Monday?' NO!!! Don't throw away your diet because you had a slip up. Just make sure the next thing you put in your mouth is something healthier than cake. You messed up, there's no going back on that, but there is no need to knowingly go down a wrong course. Don't go through four more days of bad eating waiting for Monday to come back around so you can get back on your diet. You fall off your bike; you get right back on it.

Getting back up on your goal once you've fallen off is truly the key. But more often than not, people fall off their goals, and make the biggest mistake they can possibly make. You know the four most dangerous words a person can utter? "I might as well...<\--- insert self destructive course here. That's the worst attitude you can have. When things are looking bleak, people tend to make a decision out of desperation.

When it seems that all is lost, you can take a bad situation and make it worse. It's like those hot-headed people that get mad about some injustice, so they go and punch a wall or window and end up breaking a hand and damaging a wall.

I see it all the time. I have students that by midterm are failing my class. I have no idea how that happens! *rolls eyes* (There's that sarcasm again.) Anyway, so, yes, these students that are failing at midterm get bitten by the reality bug when they can no longer deny that they are in danger of repeating my class. And then, they do what self-defeatists do: sigh and say "I might as well..." And so, that's what they do. They take a bad situation, which is a direct result of bad decision making (i.e, not studying, failing to turn in assignments, not making up missed work, and missing large amounts of valuable instruction time. Apparently I do know why they fail! ) and make it worse. I can see the little wheels turning in their brains "I'm already failing, so I might as well stop coming to class." "I'm going to fail, so I might as well stop trying." "I'm already failing, so I might as well..." And so, they fail.

More often than not, they could have altered their reality by just making their next decision a good one. "I know I'm failing because I slacked off, but I've got 9 more weeks and I'm going to pull up my grade to at least passing." Do you see where I'm going with this?

It's never okay to knowingly stop working toward success. There's never a time to say, "Hey, we're down by 30 points, we might as well sit this one out." If there is still time on the clock, you can still win the game.

Usually when we say "I might as well...," the decisions that we make after that have higher consequences than the original problem. We just took things from bad to worse!

—Set Rewards and Benchmarks—

People are a lot like dogs. Dogs, or any trained animal, for that matter, will jump through all kinds of hoops for a treat. There's just something about knowing 'if I do X, I can earn Y.' After all, think back to kindergarten -- just how did your teacher manage to get all those little kids to sit on the carpet, or put away their toys? She wasn't a magician; she was the lady with the stickers. You do right, you get a sticker. You get so many stickers at the end of the week; a treat was coming your way. Was the treat ever worth the effort you exerted to fight that urge to speak out without raising your hand, to stay quiet in the lunch line, or to be a good helper? No—but we, like dogs, will do anything for a treat.

So, treat yourself. When you map out your goals, map out the treats, too. If you're working on your budget, set a reward for saving a certain amount of money. You working on losing weight? (I have no idea why I talk about losing weight so much; I don't really watch my weight, although my brother Tony has me convinced that carbohydrates can be the ruin of me.) Once you get down to one of your fitness goals, whether it be a certain number on the scale, fitting back into a dress or making a mile in good time, treat yourself!

It's best when you know exactly what the treat is before you set off on your way, because it gives you something to work toward. Personally, I like handbags. Okay, that's a lie. I love handbags. A new purse just brings me so much joy. One of my happiest moments was when I completed my two-year stint in Japan and rewarded myself with a designer handbag that I'd been eying. To this day, although I don't carry it as much as the others, it's still the bag that puts a smile on my face. It's definitely one I'd grab if ever there were a fire. That bag symbolizes so much to me—it's a reminder of my accomplishment.

So, what "treat" do you have attached to each of your goals? Remember, the treat needs to be in proportion to the accomplishment. Don't reward yourself with a new car for making it to work on time every day this week. That's not going to cut it. Scale it back a bit—you make it to work every day this week on time, you just earned yourself a new DVD.

Remember, it's not the treat that counts so much, it's the feeling of accomplishment you get when you earn the treat by meeting a goal. That feeling of accomplishment will push you on to work hard to meet the next goal.

—It's Lonely At The Top—

Let's be realistic. Not everyone is going to be happy about your progress. Why? I've come up with three reasons. I'm sure there are more reasons, but I like to do things in threes.

Your changes or progress shows them up

Just think about it—at one time you and your friends or family were all in the same situation. Things were equal. Before you laid out your goals and started working toward your dream, you were all in the same state of unhappiness. It's true, misery does love company. If you go out and drop lots of weight, or step out and buy a big fancy house, it shows them up.

Deep down inside they realize that they could have done the same. They no longer have a valid excuse as to why they cannot, or did not do. Truth be told, your success proves that it's possible, and they resent you for it. By changing for the better, you make them feel about this big. *makes a 2-inch space with index and thumb*

They are used to things being broken

You know anybody that just seems to be content when things are going wrong? I worked with a teacher like that. She complained and complained, and when things would fall apart, it's like she had this little peace that came about her. She seemed to be content once the system had finally broken down.

It's like some folks crave drama and dysfunction and won't rest until things are going their speed—"jacked up." Some folks like for things to be "jacked up", after all, that's all they've ever known.

I watch a lot of TV (my friend Tanisha laughs at me when I tell her that's how I learn stuff). But I can't tell you how many television shows I've seen with folks in a relationship -- whether it's with a relative, significant other, or friend -- and one person actually starts changing for the better, and the other person just can't stand it. The bitter soul, that's what I call a person like that, goes out of his way to bait the other person back into a dysfunctional state. Dysfunction and drama—it's what they are used to; it's what they know. So they (the dysfunction seekers) go out of their way with the constant taunts, nagging, and voiced doubts on the other's ability to keep on this new personality. "She's working out now, but she ain't gonna keep it up -- sooner or later she'll be back with us at the buffet." It's a shame, but you know I'm right. Let's just move on to number three.

You wanted a change, and they didn't

Can we all just take a moment and go "duh"? You wanted a change, so you changed. They didn't, so they didn't. You wanted to lose weight, so you got up and did something about it. It wasn't easy, but you began pushing away from the table, cutting back, adding more self-discipline to your dieting approach, and you hunkered down, for lack of a better word.

You are proud of your success, and you should be. They didn't change anything, so in reality, how much pride do you expect them to exhibit?

(I've just got to touch on something right quick. Why do people call rappers and other people who move out of the 'hood sell outs? Wasn't that always the goal? Maybe I'm just mistaken, but I thought that, just like on Good Times, the plan is to get a good enough job to move to a better place to live. Am I making that up? Isn't that what you thought, too? The only reason I know of, the only reason I can fathom people living in impoverished environments is because they have to. The minute, and I do mean the very minute, that you recognize that you can afford to move, you move!

Is that being a sell out? What fool would stay in the ghetto knowing he's got millions of dollars in his bank account? That's crazy. You want to know what else is crazy? It's crazy to allow people to make you feel guilty about your success.)

—Don't Apologize For Success—

Please accept the fact that you are worth it. You deserve success. You work hard for success, so when it comes, please celebrate it. Don't flaunt it, but don't apologize for it either.

You shouldn't feel guilty for experiencing the positive consequences of your hard work. You needn't feel that you must down play what you've earned. But on the other hand, you can't be a boastful jerk flaunting material possessions and purposefully making others hate to be around you. But when you were working hard, striving for your goals, staying up late, going without, denying yourself, you did so to turn around your situation—you don't apologize for that. Nope—no way, no how, no ma'am.

∞∞∞∞∞∞

Dreams are the end results of actualized dreams. Find someone that's already doing what you want to do, and allow them to help you avoid the potholes that are on your road to success. Stop silent dreaming—tell someone, because it makes you more accountable to your dream and its actualization. There is no time like the present, so start on your dream today -- remember, "Do It Now!" In the end, you are responsible for you. Your goals and dreams are just that—your goals and dreams. No one can actualize them like you—nor should they be expected to.

∞∞∞∞∞∞

Friendship—Don't Let It Sink! One Is The Loneliest Number!

It's easy to identify what you want in a friend, but very seldom do people take time to assess what they are actually giving the other person. So, just what exactly are you giving? What I'm getting at is—what are you bringing to the table? Before you can even begin to choose a friend, you've got to first know how to be a friend, and to be a friend, you've got to know your strengths and your weaknesses.

As with the personality changes we discussed in the first section, how you perceive yourself, and how others perceive you may greatly vary. To find out where you really stand, in addition to asking yourself some tough questions, you have to reach outside yourself, and actually ask people you're connected with. Ask these questions, but only do so when you are really ready for the answers.

Now, the question is, who to ask? I'd say there is a hodgepodge of people that you should ask, and there are benefits to each. But first, you need to figure out whose opinion really matters to you. Who do you go to for the truth? Whose opinion of you weighs the most? Who's that one person that you can't stand to disappoint? Who has seen you through challenging times and has watched you evolve into the person you are today? Whoever that person is...don't ask him!

I know you're thinking that he's the person you should be asking, but can he really give you an honest answer? He knows the weight his words will carry with you, so he's prone to carefully craft what he says to deliver you the message in a package that you can tolerate because he knows you best, and how you react.

Ask people that you consider to be associates. They know something about you, but they haven't chosen to be your close friend for some reason. Find out what they think of you. What assumptions have they made about you without knowing your whole story? Ask your parents what they think your strengths and weaknesses are. Growing up, what personality trait did they watch you struggle with? What traits do they see in you that they see in themselves? Which traits did they hope you didn't inherit?

—What Are You?—

Do you consider yourself to be an extrovert (outgoing) or an introvert (reserved/shy)? Personally, I'm a mixture of the two. Honestly, I'm shy. I know that this is my third or fourth time saying this, and that folks that "know" me are out there laughing and shaking their heads in disbelief as they read this, but like I said before—I'm actually more shy than people think. But get this—if I'm out and about and I either know for sure or feel that I will not have to see you again, or I have only a 10% chance of seeing you again, you actually get a better glance at my personality.

It's not that I'm being somebody I'm not, because I don't condone that, it's just that I feel my personality is better received on a time-released basis like an extra-strength gel capsule of pain medicine.

So, when aiming to make friends, you have to skillfully decide what part of your personality you will display. I truly believe that all of us have a serious side, a funny bone, a need to chill, and that if the right subject is broached, we could all out-talk the most talkative. Think of it this way: your personality is like a diamond. How you hold it up to the light determines what color reflects the light. So—the real question is, are you reflecting the right colors that match the type of friends you are attempting to make?

What side of you is your best side, and is that the side that you are showing? When you meet people, what do they see? In my mind, I think I'm funny—like "ha ha funny." I'm no stand-up comedienne, and my version of funny stems from my high level of goofiness, but it equates to funny nonetheless. But when I asked a close friend how she would describe me she said that I'm "...adventurous, loyal and supportive." Sounds good, right? But I didn't know that's what I was putting out there. When I think of me, I think funny, but apparently I come across with other positive qualities. I later told her that I think I'm funny and entertaining, and she said "I can agree with that statement."  Woo Hoo!

So, ask yourself what do think you are putting out there, and then ask around to see what you are actually putting out there. You'd be surprised—I was!

—How To Make Friends—

People are always saying "be yourself." Be yourself? Who else would you be? You may be wondering why you would want to be yourself if being yourself isn't working for you. I'm not saying go out and alter your personality to be somebody that you're not. What I am saying is remember the diamond. If you've been putting up your "funny" side to the light and it's not attracting the type of friends you want, reposition your "diamond" and show another side of you. Inside of you, you have everything you need to attract all types of people.

The key to making friends is to identify your weaknesses, minimize them as much as possible, and play up your strengths. So, let's go back, and you've actually worked on this twice now—what are your strengths, and what are your weaknesses? Me? I know my weaknesses. One is I talk a lot. A LOT. When I was younger, I talked ALL the time. Like literally, ALL the time. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to Outtalk the Most Talkative." I'm sure if I sit back and try I can probably attribute my talking to my constant need for attention, but whatever it was, if I wanted to make and keep friends, I was going to have to cut down on the talking. It was hard. It still is. I'm not saying it's easy. A lot of times, your weakness will be something that's easy for you, something that comes naturally. I can talk about anything to anyone at anytime. That comes very easily to me—but I have to exercise self control, to not "out-talk" or "over talk" others. I have to fight the urge to jump in a conversation, especially when it doesn't really concern me. You know what's especially hard? When I hear two people having a conversation, especially a debate, over something silly and they are obviously wrong. It takes all I have not to get into that conversation. I have to sit on my hands almost just to keep quiet. But I had to realize, no one likes a "know-it-all," and no one likes somebody that's always yapping so much that they can't get in a word edgewise. So, to attract and keep my friends, I had to turn down the talking and just chill out a bit.

People like it when you listen, and over time, I earned the label as a good listener. People, and especially my students, feel the need to unleash their burdens on me and tell me what's running through their minds. I personally think it makes me a better teacher. I listen to my students, thus I'm able to make better choices when choosing how to best deal with them. Listening is a good thing.

So, that's me and one of my weaknesses. What's your thing? What do you need to downplay so that some other, stronger part of your personality can be heard?

Okay, so let's say you are attuned to your weaknesses and your strengths, you are minimizing and maximizing the right things, but you're still not making friends like you'd like. Well, there's more to making friends than that.

Folks say "just be yourself, act natural." First of all, if it's natural, it wouldn't be an "act," you can't "act natural." But, that's beside the point. However you want to word it, do what you do, what you enjoy to do, and then find people who are doing what you like to do.

If you are making moves to be a more athletic person, start working out, and then strike up a conversation with someone with who looks like he's also enjoying working out. Make him your "workout buddy." Your workout buddy doesn't have to be your new best friend. People are always trying to make one friend be their "everything." (We'll talk about that later.)

But you get what I'm saying, right? Stop complaining about you can't find anybody who likes to do what you like doing. Do what you like doing, and meet them there. It makes sense, right? I mean really, if women are so intent on finding a "spiritual" man, why on earth are they looking for him at the club? Find a spiritual man in a spiritual place. That's all I'm going to say about that.

The next part is going to sound like some complicated math formula, but, making friends—and keeping them – takes a little forethought. It sounds crazy—but just go along with me.

—The Plan—

Okay, so you (Person A) have one friend or acquaintance (Person B). You go to a gathering/party/function with Person B. When you are there with Person B, you meet someone new, Person C. You decide that you'd like to hang with Person C, so you say "Hey, I'm thinking of getting some friends together, so, if you'd like, I'll be sure to let you know when we do something." Now, who could say no to that? So, BOOM, now you've got the digits.

But, you actually do have to plan something. Now, you can do a small gathering at the house, but I'm assuming you don't have so many friends, and let's just pretend you only know Person B, and now Person C, so that makes it an ultra-small party. Not so party-like at all with just three people. So, if that's the case, and you really know NO ONE else, I don't suggest you throw a party. I'm a big fan of eating out. It's WAY easier than throwing a party, and it's a low stress type of event. But yeah, using the information that you've learned about your new friend, Person C, and you come up with a suitable restaurant choice. (You can pick the movies if you two discussed a movie you'd like to see.) Call him up, and now Persons B and C and you of course (Person A), go out to dinner. (Person B is needed to serve as a buffer. You are comfortable with Person B because you've already spent time together, and Person C knows Person B too, so, it's a win-win situation.) Keep in mind that dinner is always better than a movie, because dinner allows you to talk, but dinner and a movie is the best combination because the movie gives you something to talk about at dinner.

Okay, so now, you may choose to do something again with the all three of you, cementing the friendship with C. So now, you've added C to your list of friends, and now you have two friends. Wooo Hoo! Okay, now, you and Person C can actually hang out with just the two of you, since Person B isn't needed as a buffer anymore. You want to get to a point where you can hang out with Persons B or C without it automatically becoming a trio. (The automatic trio is bad, because if for whatever reason you want to not spend time with either B or C, it's so obvious, and it causes tension in the group.)

So before you know it, Person C is inviting you to some sort of social function. Pinch a friend or two from there, too! Follow the formula. Hang out with Persons C and D together, and cement the friendship. Before you know it, you'll have an entire alphabet of friends that are loosely related.

Now, there are some things you have to keep in mind, but these are just things to consider. I can't tell you that these will always be issues:

•When hanging out with Person C, Person B may feel slighted for not having been invited. He may feel that he is responsible for your meeting Person C, and may feel entitled to always accompany you when socializing with a person you met through him.

•Person C may be hanging out with you because he wants to formulate a relationship with Person B. You never really know the dynamics. You take a risk every time you get two people together.

•Once you meet with Person C again, you may realize that you don't have as much in common as you thought, and therefore you really don't want to have a relationship deeper than one of an acquaintance. If that's the case, enjoy your meal, and use some of the other numbers you got from the gathering. You did get other numbers, right? *wags finger* Don't put all your eggs in one basket!

—Types of Friends—

Okay, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is one that I've made over and over again-- is trying to get something out of a friendship that it obviously wasn't designed to do. I'm going to try to explain this to you in the way that I had to explain it to myself: Friends are like stores and you can't buy something from a store that it doesn't sell. Period.

**Boutique:** This is your friend that you can do select things with. Just like boutiques, this is your specialty store. This is the friend that you hang out with and go to the museum, or concerts. This friend services select interests that don't really appeal to your broad scope of friends.

**Forever XXI:** This is the friend that you have that's obviously younger than you, but you just love hanging out with. This is the friend that you mentor and unload your wisdom on. Thus, you get satisfaction knowing that you've actually helped to save someone some grief and angst as they travel the road over which you've already come.

**Amazon.com:** There is no "brick and mortar" Amazon store. It doesn't exist. Amazon exists only online. Due to the advancement of technology, we, as a people, have grown very comfortable with talking to people that we rarely ever see in "real life." The "online only" friendship realm holds an air of privacy and convenience that we have grown to rely on. I, for one, have a friend that I met through another online friend that has come to be one of my closet friends ever. We talk online, almost daily, and it's in these online conversations that we are able to share some of our deepest fears and secrets. It's easier, at times, to open up to someone who can't cast you a disappointed glance, or give a hint of despair in his voice. The online friend is perfect because this friendship has the laxest rules. If you feel like talking, you type away, but you don't feel like talking, you can simply ignore chat requests. You can block and unblock this friend as needed. And because both of you are at computers and simultaneously living your separate lives, you can walk away without having to apologize. You can take as long as needed to respond to conversations, and if you are like me, and have ADD which causes your attention to wane, you have the privilege of re-reading earlier responses to best craft an answer for the question at hand. Oh, and in these online relationships, both of you come off as the highest of scholars. I love that I've got the "World Wide Web" at my disposal because with the click of a mouse, and the clack of a few keys, the answers to all of my questions are there, and I can appear as smart or as naïve as I choose to be.

**Walgreen's:** This is your "take this, and call me in the morning" friend. This is the friend that's going to give you the dose of medicine (advice) that you need when you need it. He may not be your best running buddy, but you know you can run to him when things aren't sitting right in your world. This is the friend that will tell you when you are overreacting, playing yourself, or when you are right on point with your thinking, and you just need some confirmation.

**Texaco:** This is your associate, not to be confused with your friend. Just like on a road trip, you don't really stop here out of preference, but out of need. When you are getting low on gas, you stop by for a quick charge. You go to these people when you want somebody to hang out with. This isn't the person you open up and share your deepest feelings with; this is a seat-filler for the movies. This is the person you're calling when you want to have a party, and you want to up your numbers. These aren't the first people you call, but they definitely aren't the last. You can go through spells where you hang out with this person quite frequently, but you won't be receiving a text message that says "why don't you call me?" when you don't.

This brings us down to my favorite friend...this is the friend that you usually consider to be your "best" friend—

**Wal-Mart:** I have a love/hate relationship with Wal-Mart. Yes they are putting "Ma and Pop" shops out of business with their incessant need to "roll back prices," but you've got to give it to Wal-Mart—they've got what you need when you need it—and they have it waiting for you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can get groceries, camping gear, and even a shiny dress for a party while buying a pack of gum and some oil for your car.

Your Wal-Mart friend is the friend you can take just about anywhere, and he'd fit in. This is the friend you don't have to have an elaborate plan of the night's events for, but you know it's going to be fun when it's all said and done. This is the friend you can talk to for hours and wonder where the time's gone. This is the friend that when you are in a jam, you know he'd bail you out. I mean seriously, when have you ever gone to Wal-Mart and not come out with something? You didn't even walk in there with a long list of needs, but since Wal-Mart is the best all-around store there is, you will always find something you both need and want in Wal-Mart.

If you ever make yourself a "Wal-Mart" friend, don't let him go.

But this is where we mess up and waste time. There is always a time when you are shopping in the wrong store looking for something that it doesn't even carry—something it never really carried or specialized in, and we walk away frustrated and feeling unfilled.

I'd never go to a boutique looking for a pack of Fruit of the Loom ® panties, nor would I trust the shrink-wrapped apples they sell by the counter at Walgreen's. Wal-Mart, although they have an extensive women's clothing department is not my first stop when I want to jump sharp, and I know Forever XXI doesn't sell clothes that fit my desired professional image.

Stop expecting the world from your friends. My friend's mom says "People show you who they are when you first meet them, don't spend the rest of the relationship trying to prove them wrong." Use your friends for what they've proven themselves to be. Assess their worth by the products that they carry.

Some people are great people to hang with in large groups, but one on one, they leave something more to be desired. You're going to run into people that are intense and are great to unload your burdens on in exchange for great advice and guidance, but that may not be the person you want to take a road trip with, nor may it be the person you want to take with you when you are trying to let your hair down in a night of wild and reckless disregard.

So, I say as I've said before-- friends are stores and you can't buy something from a store that it doesn't sell. Period.

—Givers Attract Takers—

Hey, Paula Abdul said it best—"Opposites Attract." There are those that have, and those that have not. Givers have to give, and takers must take, therefore on the surface it's a logical arrangement. However, there is a downside to being on either side of the coin. Givers take their friendships very seriously, and sad to say it, they only know two speeds—it's either "all or nothing." I'm a giver. We're either in or out. There is no halfway.

Takers, because they are constantly given to, often go through life not ever forced to test out the strength of their wings and really fly. That's bad for them, and it actually affects their self esteem. They constantly find themselves in a position where others feel that they can talk down to them, or doubt their abilities to their face and deal with situations.

In every relationship, one is going to be the giver, and the other is going to be the taker. It's not always that black and white, but generally, that's how it goes. But get this—a person that's a giver isn't always a giver in every one of their relationships, just like a taker may be the giver in one of his other relationships. Who plays which role isn't something that we sit around and vote on, we tend to fall into these roles out of necessity. It all depends on what's needed at the time.

In a relationship where both are not equal peers, especially in the situation with the "Forever XXI" friend, it's obvious who the giver and the taker are. However, even though you have a "Forever XXI" friend, thus making you the giver, you may be someone else's "Forever XXI" friend, thus making you the taker.

In most of my relationships I play the role of the giver, so I really can't explain too much the mindset of the taker. But I do know that as a giver, we feel that we should treat people the way we'd want to be treated. We imagine that if we were ever in their position, we'd want someone to give us a lift, or loan us the money, or give us advice in the middle of the night—we'd want someone to be there for us. But I've come to realize, that we as givers seldom put ourselves in the position where we really have to take from the ones to which we have given. And as a giver, you give and give of yourself to others, but then there comes a point when you need to take or rely on those to whom you've given so much. But sad to say, if we givers find ourselves in a predicament and actually need help, the takers aren't really there to help us, are they?

That may not be fair of me to say. I often don't call on my takers, because I reason this way—if they can't handle their lives, and their issues, how can they help me? So, if it's something that I can't handle, what makes me confident that they can handle it? After all, they come to me on what I see to be simple things. Over the course of our relationship, I've come to know what they can handle and what they can't. Makes sense, doesn't it?

Well, it should -- it is logical reasoning. But it's also faulty reasoning. Out of appreciation for all you have done for them, they may really want to show you their level of gratitude, and therefore go out of their way to come through for you. Over time, they may have grown and matured to the point where they are no longer as needy as they once were, but because you've both fallen into your giver/taker roles, you've failed to notice just how truly capable they are.

So, it's a toss-up. Do you reach out to them for help or not? Will they actually help you or not? Guess you've just got to try it and see.

Because I'm a giver, in my relationships, I often fall into the mother role. This is something that I do voluntarily. I find myself constantly thinking ahead and solving problems before they even arise. I don't know why, but I feel the need to fill in the gaps that I see. I'm what my students call "extra." When asked to bring something to a function, I'm usually going to bring just more than the bag of ice I was asked to bring. I'll bring cubed ice, crushed ice, and ice cream. I'm usually the one that suggests that we get together to celebrate this or congratulate somebody for that—I'm a do-gooder. But, as with everything, there is a downside of being "extra."

Because I do "extra" I often over do; I then, in turn, make the people around me do less and less. They know that if they bring 20% to the table, I'm going to bring the other 80%. They know if they bring only 5%, I'll automatically fill in the other 95%. So, essentially, we as givers make our takers do less than their fair share, and then we sit around and complain about it! I truly believe that people only do to you what you let them do. This is an area of growth for me—I've got to figure out how to not be so "extra."

—When Problems Occur—And They Will—

Put two imperfect people together and you're bound to have a problem. And let's face it, all friendships have problems. There is no getting around it. So this section is my attempt at providing you some sort guidance through the troubled waters. I'm not saying I have all the answers, but everybody knows I've had enough trouble in my friendships, so I've learned a thing or two along the way. Anyway, here it goes....

I've come to find out, and this is something that's been proven to me time and time again, and I hate to even admit this, but men are creatures of logic, while us women tend to be a wee bit more emotional. I'm not saying that men don't have emotions, and that women are illogical, but think about it before you dispute with me. Men start off more sentences with "I think," while women customarily use the phrase "I feel". My friendships with males tend to go a whole lot more smoothly than my relationships with females. (That really has nothing to do with what I'm trying to explain to you, I just had to insert that there. It's something that I wanted you to know.)

Whether you believe that to be true or not, the next thing I'm going to tell you is definitely true.

—Emotion Is Almost Never The Way To Go—

When problems arise, you almost never should go the emotional route. Emotions are tricky and they, like alcohol, often make you see things out of proportion. Emotions make you act on what you're feeling in that moment, but emotions almost never allow you to use forward thinking. Emotions are like a greedy baby—it wants what it wants when it wants it. Babies don't think, "Hmm, if I cry or show out here that this will embarrass my mother." Toddlers don't think they should have to share, but if you don't share with them, there is definitely going to be a problem. That's what we call a double-standard, people, and emotions don't care about being politically correct or practical.

But I'm not saying to just turn off your emotions. Instead, you need to find some balance between logic and emotions. In your angry, hurt, or emotional state, use those emotions to write down how you feel. I know it seems hokey, but it actually works. Take the time to get your emotions out. Write the offender a letter or email that expresses just how you feel—JUST DON'T SEND IT.

Writing it all down, getting your feelings out, helps you release some of the pressure that's built up. You've now addressed and acknowledged your emotions. They are real because you feel them. But just because you feel them, that doesn't mean you have to share them in that same level of intensity. Look back at what you've written and see if you can put your finger on what actually caused you to feel the way you felt. Your goal is to get to the root of the problem. The emotions are a symptom of the problem. Just what exactly is the issue? AND—once you look back at it, are you sure things are just the way you originally perceived them to be?

If you feel hurt or disappointed that they did or didn't do something that doesn't fit the level of where you think your relationship should be, then that's what you need to communicate to them.

Try it: "It hurts me to think that you believe that I'd...<\-- insert what they thought you did that you didn't do. Then, tell them why it hurt. "I would never knowingly do XYZ. I hate it when people do it to me, and I try my best not to do it to others."

I'm sure that'll go a lot better than if you went the emotional route: "How dare you even suggest that I XYZ? You have the nerve to fix your mouth to say that? We've been friends since we were eight years old!" <\-- Insert long list of things you've done for them that you didn't want to do, or that you went out of your way to do. Then finish it up with how ungrateful they are, listing examples, of course, and then storm off.

You might write how you're feeling down, and after reading it realize that you are looking at things out of proportion, and that you can smooth it over with a small statement or two. But sometimes, you may write down your feelings, let some time pass, and realize that you were right on target, and want to share your emotional take on the situation. In that case, you better get ready for what may happen as a result.

—Speak Up Or Forever Hold Your Peace—

I hate confrontation. I hate it with a passion. I hate it so much that it has turned into a problem—I'm an emotional bottler. I feel like I'm in a group meeting or something "Hi my name is Jan, and I'm an emotional bottler." Can I get a "Hi Jan!" from the group?

For all of you confused out there, I can explain. Remember I said I had a temper? Remember I told you that the first, second and often third thing that pops up in my mind should never be mentioned? I'm sure you do, but if you don't remember I'll say it again—I have a terrible temper, and I've learned over time that I can't go around spouting the first thing that pops up in my mind. Well, I'm making an attempt to put on this "new personality," and display a modicum of self-control. Add to that I hate that feeling of shame that comes across my face when I've blown something out of proportion and the other person explains away all of the accusatory questions that I raise—so nowadays I take a moment.

When I feel that I've been wronged, I start to doubt myself. Am I tripping? Am I overreacting? Is this a big deal? Was this intentional? Is this something I can deal with on my own and just let go? For some unexplained reason, I feel the need to run the situation by others to see if I should truly be upset. As if I really need validation for my feelings. The self-doubt paralyzes me.

In turn, this self-doubt manifests itself into my silence when I'm done wrong. My silence doesn't mean I'm okay with what happened, just means I didn't say anything. So, as a result, the offense goes unaddressed. In my mind, I've justified whatever has happened. "If I hadn't...," or "Maybe I caught them on a bad day?" "Maybe they misunderstood what I said..." I then assure myself that it's not that big of a deal, and that it probably won't happen again. I pack away the feelings that have erupted; I bottle them up and move on. Or so I think.

But have I really moved on? Nope. Bottled emotions, just like aged grapes, when ripened and under the right conditions turn into an entirely different product—with grapes you get wine, with aged, bottled emotions you get resentment.

So, the next time I see them, on the outside I have to pretend that nothing's changed. But on the inside, everything has changed. I'm not mad at them, I'm mad at me! I hate knowing that I had an opportunity to stick up for myself that I didn't take. I feel like I've let myself down. I've punked myself out. Resentment at the person grows, but it is shadowed by the resentment I have toward myself for remaining silent and allowing the offender to believe that all is A-OK.

I hate that feeling, so therefore, my guard goes up, and I'm on the lookout for said offense to occur again. I've rehearsed some speech in my head of things I'd say if it was to ever, eva eva eva happen again. (Shout out to Chalon, that was for you ) Don't act like I'm the only one that does it.

So then I begin to resent the person even more. Which makes me feel guiltier, which makes me resent myself and the person even more. It keeps going.

But just as sure as rain is wet, the person commits the offense again. It never is as extreme as that first time, but I jump all over it nevertheless. I unleash my bottled emotions and saturate the situation. I know that the situation doesn't deserve as much attention I'm about to give it, but that doesn't stop me. Contents under pressure—I erupt like a shaken soda.

And there he stands, shocked, appalled and even dismayed. He's oblivious to the source of the outburst. He's clueless. Why shouldn't he be? He's done this before, several times probably, and I've never said anything or reacted like this before, so in his mind I've overreacted to some sort of small transgression, I look silly, and I leave him there bewildered and wanting some sort of explanation. I give none. I walk away from both the situation and the friendship.

So, what have I learned?—"Speak up or forever hold my peace."

I'm not suggesting you jump on every little offense, but if something gets in your craw, trust your gut. It doesn't take all day to realize that if something makes you feel uncomfortable, it's worth you addressing it. You don't have to go around like I used to, airing the problem to others seeking some sort of permission to feel what you feel. Please don't let your addressing of it be a long diatribe of you rambling from A-Z.

Try this: "I'm sure you didn't know it'd have this sort of effect on me, but when you XYZ it made me <\---insert current emotion."

The closer you say it to the actual occurrence, the better. It's like training a dog. You can't wait until the dog has used the bathroom on your carpet, and two weeks later hit him on the nose for it. He'll look up at you confused. Your correction seems harsh, and unwarranted, he has no idea what he's done to warrant this bop on the nose. If you want a dog to stop using your carpet to do his business, you have to catch him in the act—bop him on the nose while he's got that hind leg hoisted up on your sofa. Correction during the act, or while he's standing there in the mess has a chance of greater success.

Is it easy? No. I'm never sure when to speak up, or when to let things ride. I try my best to let things go. The best I can tell you is that over time, I've come to group things into categories. The older I get, and the more relationships I have with people, I can more quickly identify situations that aggravate me. It's no secret that when I'm hungry, I'm likely to be touchier than when full, so I try to bring snacks along and make sure that I control when I eat. I know that when I'm in pain I can be a pain, so I try my best to manage my pain levels, and when I can't, I respectfully decline invitations. I also know that if my gut tells me I shouldn't go, or shouldn't associate with a person or group of people, it's usually right, and so I listen to it.

They say that "growing up is hard to do". I say "speaking up is hard to do". But speaking up is a part of growing up."

So, when offended, don't get bogged down with self doubt and start second guessing yourself. Apparently the offense was big enough if it got you that agitated. Calmly, but quickly, stand up for yourself. Save your friendship by not letting the resentment take root.

So, speak up! However, only bring it up if you are willing to help them work on it. The whole purpose of speaking up is to correct certain behaviors for the sake of strengthening the relationship.

I guess now is a good a time as any to insert an illustration to prove my point. In my classroom, I grade papers often, but I may or may not give the paper back. I know that goes against some unwritten teacher rule, but think about it—if the assignment is a final exam or paper, giving it back with extensive comments and feedback will do what? The child is not going to redo it. Students just want the bottom line—"did I pass or not?" A student that is bent on progress will stick around for some feedback, but others, when they know they've failed miserably write it off as a loss and move on.

I say that to say, if you are going to speak up and address what you perceive to be an offense, do so only if you are determined to invest more time in the relationship giving the offender time to correct his behavior. It's no need unleashing your bottled emotions, shocking the offender, and then walking away saying "I've had all I can take." and turning a deaf ear to his reasoning and explanations. You look heartless when you do things like that. The "guilty" person had no idea of his crimes, and therefore you have to assume they weren't deliberate. Most likely, he wants a chance to correct his actions, but you, having taken all you can take, can't stand the thought of there being a chance of him disappointing or hurting you again, so you shut the door on him.

If you've decided to flee from a friendship, there is no need of reliving all of its troublesome spots. Simply do the fade away and move on. If you're not agreeable to the idea of working through the problems with your friend, shut up and "keep it moving".

I mentioned earlier that I often go to others to help validate my feelings when I perceive that I've been wronged. There is a benefit in that, but there is also a danger. I've learned over the years something very important.

—Be Careful Who You Complain To—

There are countless reasons that this has become a rule. The most obvious is that people talk. Just like you just had to share, often times they, too, have this insatiable need to share. Just like the situation was like a raging fire in your belly that you just had to vent to get it out, they often feel that his situation is either too big or too juicy for them to keep.

But the danger of airing your dirty laundry isn't the only reason you should be cautious of whom you choose to confide in. You could very well be getting slanted advice and counsel. We tend to pick the people we vent to based upon what we want to hear. When we're not feeling a certain person or situation, we naturally vent to a person who also shares our views and opinions. It makes us feel good, quickly validates our opinions and we walk away feeling justified almost proud of any actions we've taken or statements we've made.

Tilted or one sided advice really doesn't do us a lot of good. That advice is just as strong as two dope fiends convincing each other that they really don't have a problem. Of course that doesn't make sense, and neither does seeking advice on how to repair a breeched friendship from someone you know doesn't hold your friend in the highest of esteem.

Add to that how silly you'll feel once you choose for reasons only you'll fully understand to maintain a friendship with someone that you've bad-mouthed to others. You've presented the negative qualities of your friend/mate in a disproportionate amount to his or her positive qualities and you actually expect others to respect this person and your relationship with him? Come on, not only is that silly, it's hard for others to do. Dominique (one of my "Forever XXI" friends) said, when asked about friendship, said "Friendship is like peeing on yourself. Everyone sees it, but only you get the warm feeling it brings." Now, even though that statement conjures up an image we'd all like to wish it didn't, us standing in our own urine, the principle is just as clear. People on the outside can only see-- they can't feel. In the end, they can give you advice based on what they perceive your need to be, but they cannot feel the effects of your relationship. They don't have as many warm and fuzzy moments that you alone can recall that will bring you back to the table to discuss making amends with your friends. All the outside has is their perception of the relationship which has been tainted by your rants and raves in times of despair.

So, out of respect for your relationship—be careful who you complain to. Something I have to constantly remind myself of is the next thing I learned.

—I Can't Get Mad At You Because You Didn't React The Way I Wanted You To—

I can't tell you how hard that was for me to learn, but I can tell you when I learned it. I was living in Japan, and I think it was October. I'd been invited to a Japanese wedding—my first Japanese wedding, and I was told that this wedding, of all weddings, was the one I should attend. I was elated. I'd heard about Japanese weddings, and here I was with an opportunity to go to one. So, needless to say, I was so excited. I was also told that this is one of the few chances I'd have to dress fancy. (For those of you who know me, you can attest to my love of jumpin' sharp.) My Indian friend Shobha had earlier given me a sari, and she told me that this would be a perfect occasion for me to wear it. You can see my level of excitement right? So my mind was running a mile a minute, I had to do it just right. So, with my outfit out of the way, I just had to take care of hair and makeup. Make up was no problem, I could do that, but I had a vision of some flat twists and a bun for my hairstyle. I was going to do a sari—but I was going to rock it the "Jan" way.

Although I can do hair, I'm not good at parting my own hair, and my friend Tanisha, who lived in the next town, could do a much better job than I ever could. So, of course, I called her and gave her the exciting news and shared my vision of my hair for the wedding. Tanisha agreed to help me. I figured she would -- we'd never turned each other down for anything.

Time passed, and I began to get anxious. I wanted Tanisha to do my hair. Although she agreed to do it, I could never get her to pin down a date and time. The wedding was quickly approaching, and it was now the Thursday before the wedding. I was livid. It was two days before the wedding, and Tanisha seemed less than excited to do my hair, so much so, that when I called her to say I was on my way, she begged off and said she'd do it later. Later? I didn't really have a later. Friday I had plans, and she knew that, and Saturday is the wedding. There is no later.

I was angry. I was hurt. I was so frustrated. I just couldn't understand why she was dragging her feet on helping me out. I know that if she wanted me to help her do something and she had a wedding coming up, I'd drop everything to help her. I just couldn't get it.

I didn't let on to her that I was upset. On the inside, I was all kinds of angry. But I knew I had no right to be. I have no idea where the notion came from, but some kind of way it became as obvious to me as the nose on my face—"Jan, you can't get mad at how she uses her time, it's your wedding party, not hers, and you are excited about it, not her." BOOM—it was clear: "I can't get mad at you because you didn't react the way I would—or the way I wanted you to."

And just like that, I somehow calmed my butt down. I quickly came up with a plan B, an alternate hair style, just in case Tanisha didn't do my hair. If she didn't do it, for whatever reason, I wouldn't let on how disappointed I was. I had no right to.

Needless to say, Tanisha called, and she even seemed eager to do my hair. I made changes to my schedule for Saturday, and got up at the crack of dawn to catch that first bus to the station to catch the train over to Tanisha's town. (I've forgotten the name of it now; I think it's Mikki.) That's not important now, what is important, is what I learned—I have no reason to get upset if someone overreacts or under-reacts. I have no right to put my expectations on the behavior and emotions of others. We are not the same, and we will not react the same.

Do I always remain calm and remember the lesson Tanisha helped me to learn? Nah, can't say I do. But I'd like to!

I've already cautioned about the danger of reacting based solely on emotions. I told you about the need to speak up for yourself—but before you speak up, before you go running off to others for advice you've got to consider one important thing first:

—When Faced With A Problem, Determine What You Want Your End Result To Be; Work Toward Your End—

If you're fed up, and don't want to continue the friendship, there really is no need to get all wrapped up in emotions, there's no need to discuss it with others, and there definitely isn't a need of a goodbye speech. Simply do the phase out—make no attempts to call them, and when they call you, if they call you, pick up less and less quickly, and allow the friendship to settle itself to simple text messages and those awkward conversations you grin and bear your way through when you so happen to run into each other. Please understand that this method of phasing out a friendship is not to be used for romantic relationships, high level friendships (best friends, family members, etc.). This method is for close associates and peripheral friendships (friends you've acquired through other friends).

However, I hope it's safe to assume that you are in the business of keeping and repairing friendships. I think about the friendships that I've phased out over the years. The other day, my Amazon.com friend and I were going over the list. I was saddened at its length. It's much longer than I'd like, and it made me stop in my tracks. Am I too hard on my friends? Did I give up too early? Did I pick the right battle? Is this friendship really over? Can it be revived? Should it be revived? I try not to second-guess my past decisions, especially decisions made more than two years ago. (There really ought to be a statute of limitations for the guilt you can self-inflict on decisions made. Since there isn't an official one, I've set mine at a two-year limit.)

But yes, there are several people I'm not close to anymore. If I knew then what I know now, some of them would still be close to me, but others would still be held off at bay where they are now because apparently, I knew enough, then.

The bottom line is this: figure out what you want. If you want to keep this person as a friend, but simply strengthen your friendship and cut down on the occurrences on certain behaviors that you can't tolerate, then you go about it one way. On the other hand, if you want to keep the person in your life, but not on the same level of intensity that they were previously, then you handle that another way. And finally, if you want to rid yourself of the presence and influence of a person—there is yet another way to handle that.

Let's take the first one first; after all, it's the most common. Things are going to come up, you'll be rubbed the wrong way, but you don't want to get rid of the person, just his annoying idiosyncrasies.

I don't have this all figured out, but I do know some things, and those are the things I'll share with you. After you've decided the end you want—keeping your friendship, but cutting out the dangerous behaviors that can drive a wedge between the two of you; so, now you have to work in that regard. You now have to work strategically to ensure that all of your actions henceforth will lead you to your desired end—keeping your friend.

Since you are trying to keep a friend, instead of running one off, like I said earlier, going off half-cocked in some emotional tirade---is sooo not the way to go.

I say, write your letter, get your emotions out, and then when you are calm, go save your friendship.

Avoid statements like "You always," "I can't stand it when...," "How dare you..." Statements such as these will put you on the fast track of losing your cool as well as your friendship. Your goal is to not put your friend on the defensive end. You never want to make your friend feel that he's backed in a corner and must fight his way out for survival. If you make him feel the need to defend himself, he'll be forced grab at any and everything he can to save herself, his credibility as well as his sanity. What he grabs could be accusatory attacks and insults directed at you, and he may even belittle you and your feelings, making you wonder just why you wanted to save the friendship in the first place. In addition to attacking you in an attempt to save himself, the chances of you getting to the bottom of your problems are very slim.

Deep down inside, if you know that the offense was not a deliberate act with the purpose of upsetting you, hurting you or embarrassing you, then you have to take away the ill feelings and resentment you've allowed to sprout quickly. You must then let your friend know that you are not under the impression that it was deliberate.

Try: "I know you had no idea that what you said would hurt me, but it did because...." Or try: "I'm sure you didn't mean to embarrass me when you... ( insert embarrassing behavior), but you did." (If applicable, insert a story from your past that will account for your present disposition.)

I have found that once the other person knows that you are not thinking that they hurt you on purpose, it takes away his need to defend himself. Once he is not on the defense, that means that both of you are on the same side—offense! And being on offense, you can make strategic moves together to advance and strengthen the friendship.

When you go to discuss your feelings with your friend, keep this point in mind—you are bringing this issue up to your friend's attention after you've had time to think about it, mull it over, and come to grips with it. He really hasn't had the benefit of time. You came to him when you were ready. Thus your talk may seem to him as something coming "out of the blue." Here you come, pointing out a problem that he didn't even know existed. Sometimes he may know that there is an issue, but may be clueless as to the degree of the problem. Either way, you've had time to kick it around in your head—so, give him that same opportunity. Don't demand that he process this entire situation on the spot. Even with your best of intentions of handling this situation with kid gloves, the offender may need some time to wrap his head around what you're saying. He may react one way when you bring it up, and then as time passes, and he's had time to really process what has been said, he may have more questions, or even a bone or two that he wants to pick with you. Be prepared and proceed on with caution. Keep repeating your purpose for bringing up the issue—"I value your friendship, and I'd' hate for anything to damage it." Focus on what he does that pleases you, instead of harping on the negative.

Let's go ahead and try the other friendship—the one in which you want to demote a friend, but keep him around. As time passes, and the light gets brighter, thus making things clearer, we often realize that a certain friend we have may very well be a good person, thus having great attributes, but due to need or circumstances, they are no longer needed in the position that they currently held. For example, you and your best friend may have many things in common, one of them being that you both are single. Well, one day that may change, and you two can't spend as much time together as you'd like. Or, it could be that you may be separated by differing work schedules, social circles, or geography may no longer be on your side. Whatever the cause for the shift in the relationship—and it could be that you just realize that you've allowed this person to have too much power in your world and that you need to get more control on things—you've got to gracefully take the friendship down a rung or two.

In the case with the differing work schedules, geography, or change of circumstances beyond your control, the friendship may just morph on its own to a demoted state without either of you actually having to make a conscious change. As it slowly (or swiftly) declines, be sure to set a baseline that you're comfortable with. You may no longer feel the need to hang out every weekend, or talk several times during the day either by phone or via text messages, but you may decide that you guys should check in with each other at least once a week or if you don't hear from each other once every two weeks something must be up. Figure out what a comfortable baseline should be. You don't have to discuss it; your actions just need to set whatever the standard is going to be.

Try: It's Saturday, and I was just checking in to see how your week's been going. After a few times of calling around the same time, your weekly calls won't seem like work, they'll be a much welcomed time that the two of you have dedicated to share together.

Now, let's look at the other friendship—the one in which you want to fade the person out altogether. It must be handled very gingerly. How do you put down a bomb? If you throw it down, it'll blow up on you before you have a chance to run away, I don't care what the TV shows and action movies have to say. Ending a friendship, it's tricky but it can be done.

Very seldom will I advise terminating a friendship before you've tried the demotion or phase-out route. I'm not a big fan of burning bridges. In fact, I'd like to think that with any of my past friendships, if push came to shove, I'd be able to revive them if circumstances changed to be more favorable.

First off, make sure that this is the course that this friendship needs to take. The simple way to do this is by way of a method my students use when writing a compare/contrast essay—the "T" chart. Take a sheet of paper, fold it in half vertically, and then on the left side write the pro's, and on the right, the cons of keeping this person as a friend at this level. Also, see if you can project if there will be enough pros for you to keep this person as a friend, but on a demoted level. If after making this list, considering the matter prayerfully, and assessing your involvement in the decline of the friendship, you still feel that the best and safest thing for you to do is to terminate the friendship, you must honestly explain this situation to your friend.

Try your best to predict your friend's reaction. Will this come as a shock? Does he think something's up? Will he understand? Will he be angry or overly emotional? Whatever you perceive the outcome to be should guide how you go about it. But whatever the perceived outcome is, remember-- keep your words short, sweet, and firm. Because you are terminating the friendship, there is no need for you to bring up what went wrong. Remember, we only bring up offenses for discussion when we plan to stick around to help the offender work on his issues. But that's not the case in this situation; this is a termination, so it's no need to inundate him with a long list of things you can't seem to tolerate.

If you've made up your mind, what he has to say really doesn't matter, does it? Promises to do better, or change, if you honestly feel he can't make the needed corrections, are all for naught. There comes a point when you realize what you need, and you may find out that your "friend" just doesn't have it in him to fit those needs. So usually, you try to rearrange the relationship and see if this friend can be kept in a different capacity, but even with reduced requirements, he still may not measure up. That's rare—but it does happen.

Since I'm not a fan of confrontation, I generally just fade them out and walk away. Often, while I'm busy making my lists, or writing my letters or trying to seek out advice, they go ahead and phase me out. Yup, I've been phased out. So, even with the best intentions you can be the "phaser" or the "phasee". I have only had the 'official' "we can't be friends" speech once. (Well, if you count that time in the seventh grade, that'd make it twice.) Either way, I felt terrible saying it, but I haven't looked back, either.

So now you've phased out a friend, or demoted a friend, and you are left wondering "Now what?" Well, I'll tell you what's what—you still have a bomb on the floor! I won't generate a long list of rules or suggestions on how to handle the situation, but I will say this---be respectful. Blatant disrespect is never okay. I don't care how rude he was to you, you cannot return disrespect. If you see your phased-out friend, and it's convenient for you to say "hello," by all means do so! Nothing makes you look sillier than the appearance of you holding a grudge. Saying "Hello," shouldn't hurt anyone; after all, this is someone whom you at one point cared deeply for. I'm not saying that you have to break your neck to chase him down to speak, but a simple "Hello," followed by a genuine smile should suffice. (I am not one for faking small talk; I just can't do it, although I wish I could at times. My students always tell me that my face shows what I'm feeling.) If it's in you, you can even ask how she's been doing. Who knows; he may have benefited from the time apart, and is looking for an opening in the door to begin a new friendship. If you are amenable to it, by all means take small, and I do mean, SMALL steps to repair your friendship. Don't go overboard and usher him back to the level he had before-- can't give anyone anything too fast-- but you may start off with a Texaco friendship and work your way back up! It could happen. Trust me, it has happened!

I feel the need to add this final piece of advice—when you change levels of friendships, people, outsiders, are going to ask you what happened. They will press you for details. Be cautious and discerning. Sad to say, some people are friendship vultures, and they are coming by just to pick at the carcass of a dead relationship. Put differently, they are "rubber-neckers" trying to appease their curiosity and brag about the cool wreck they just saw.

I've fallen prey to such people. They never really had my best interest at heart, nor did they, apparently, care about the other person. They pressed me for details and explanations, and I, not realizing them for what they were, gave them what I had. They then took what I gave them, magnified it, and spread it to others, in turn, hurting both me and my friend. The moral of the story: Only share with those you feel are truly concerned with you and your wellbeing.

—Maintain Separate Circles—

You would never put "all your eggs in one basket," so why would you put all your friends in one circle? I'm a fan of having and maintaining separate social circles. This, like other things I've shared with you, has been taught to me out of necessity and personal experiences. Daddy says, "It's a sorry rat that only has one hole to run to," so, that's how I feel about friendships.

I mistakenly attempted to only shop at Wal-Mart, so to speak. I had a good friend (best friend is more like it), but I tried to make her my be-all, end-all. If there was something I wanted to do that she didn't want to do, we didn't do it. If there was a place I wanted to go, and she didn't, I both couldn't and wouldn't go. Before you go judging me, or her, we were young, and honestly knew nothing about choosing, making or maintaining friendships.

But, there is one thing I learned as a result of this, when I got older—"It's a sorry rat that only has one hole to run to." So, out of necessity, I started to have different friends, and I'd seldom let them meet each other. They knew that the other existed, but I purposely hung out with them at separate times. According to my parents, I was "all over the place," and what seemed to them as having a new friend every week, was my attempt at establishing and maintaining separate circles. Once I got the circles going, my socialization didn't seem so helter-skelter. And the benefits of the separate circles are amazing! I won't list them all, but in each circle, I get to play a different role. In one circle, I may be the matriarch of the circle, a definite giver, while in another circle, I may be the Forever XXI friend, thus fulfilling the role of taker. In others, I'm the silly clown that always has something witty to say. But, the cool thing is, all of those things are facets of my personality. Remember, we are all diamonds with many facets to share. So, you need different friendship circles. The benefits are many—you get to play different roles, thus fully maximizing your various personality traits, and you also keep yourself from being "a sorry rat," with only one "hole" or circle to run to.

—She Doesn't Like Me! Oh, I Beg To Differ—

People are mirrors. When you interact with others, you are identifying with something in that person that connects with what you have inside of you. If they reflect a value that you possess that you like, you gravitate toward that person. Thus, the saying, "birds of a feather flock together." If, however, they have something in their character that you can't identify with, it makes you feel uncomfortable, and who really enjoys or gravitates toward a person that makes them feel uncomfortable?

We like being around people that make us feel good about being ourselves, at whatever level we're on. Let's look at this in a practical way. If you know you should be doing more spiritually, and you're around someone that you feel or perceive to be spiritually superior to you, you tend to resent the presence of that quality in someone else.

Some may call that jealousy or envy, and I guess they'd be right. But it doesn't have to be a self-conscious thing that you really have spent time thinking about. It can be a feeling that pops up in a split second. You quickly measure yourself against what you perceive others to be. It's an instantaneous comparison/contrast—I either feel I look better than or worse than her. She's pretty, but I've got more common sense. She's neater than me, but I've got a better sense of style. We quickly size up people, and see if we can feel comfortable with how we feel about ourselves around them. If there is something that we value in ourselves, and they step on, or crush its ability to shine through, it comes across as us not "liking" that person. Once again, this isn't something that you spend hours thinking about. It's done instantaneously. It's like when you enter someone's home; you quickly scan it, to see how it resembles yours, and how it differs. If it has an air that you admire, and think that you can one day achieve, you love hanging out in it. If it makes you feel less than, and unworthy because yours pales in comparison, you tend to make disparaging comments about it and you begin to resent the homeowner for having something that you wish you had.

This situation is even worse when we compare ourselves to someone that we consider to be our equal. With people that we consider to be our equal, whether it is someone that is in our same age group, racial group, religious group—we compare ourselves to see how we measure up.

Typically when we see someone that's our peer, someone that essentially had the same starting point as we did, be it that you two went to the same high school, you were both academically about the same, or you two grew up in the same neighborhood, when we see them and it seems that they have "outdone" or "out-shined" us, we feel lesser than. We feel that their accomplishments show us up for what we could have been or done, and BOOM! You find yourself not being a "fan" of that person, and you catch a case of the "could'ves." "I could've done that if I really wanted to." Or, "That's not that hard to do. All you have to do is..., I could've done that. Anybody could've." Truth is, you might be right, but we'll never know. All that's known for sure is that you didn't.

So, when you stop to think about it, if all of this is going on with you, obviously it could be going with others around you. We've all had someone who really doesn't even know us intimate that they don't like us. It's not them not liking us, or us not liking them, it's truly a case of "I don't like how I feel about me when I'm around you."

∞∞∞∞∞∞

I once read "A true friend learns the words to the song of your heart, and sings it back to you when you forget the words." Remember, friends are like stores, and no one store carries everything you need. Often, we tend to put too much pressure on a friendship by attempting to demand a service it doesn't carry or specialize in. In your friendships, things will not always go the way you want them to, and you will have to make a tough decision—is this friendship worth keeping, and if so, on what level do I want this friendship to exist? I personally think that friendships are like roller coasters—they have their highs and lows. At times you'll laugh with excitement, and at other times you'll cringe, dreading what's ahead. Either way, enjoy the ride, but know when enough's enough. Friendships are like music. Every song comes to an end, but that doesn't stop us from enjoying the music.

∞∞∞∞∞∞

"Self Esteem—Like Beauty Is In The Eye Of The Beholder"

Everybody has self-esteem. The question is, do you have a healthy level of self-esteem, and if not, what can you do to achieve an acceptable level?

Self-esteem is how you view or see yourself. How you view yourself may or may not match with what's really there. If you have too high of an opinion of yourself, and we'll call you both arrogant and cocky. If you don't think too highly of yourself, and you actually find yourself hating yourself more than you value what you have to offer, then you suffer from what we call low self-esteem. But get this, both the person with overly high self-esteem and low self-esteem are in a very dangerous place, and believe it or not, they have more in common than you'd think.

Both the person with low self-esteem, and overly high self-esteem are the same person. Think about it. A person with low self esteem wants to hide his flaws hoping that they will one day be invisible to others, although, it's all that he can see. The person with the extremely high self-esteem—he too hopes that his most hated qualities go unnoticed, so he covers over his self-perceived deficiencies by broadcasting and mass advertising what he feels his stronger qualities to be. In his mind, he hopes his weaknesses will be hidden from others because we are too distracted by the smoke and mirror show he's performing. In the end, both of them have things they hate about themselves; the difference lies in how they handle the things they don't like about themselves.

Too low, or too high, and it's problematic all the same. A person who has extremely low self esteem, as my friend helped me to see, can delude himself into thinking it's not an issue, but instead a display of humility. She also went on to say that we can just as easily mislabel our extremely high self-esteem as bravado and confidence. I'm all for feeling confident in one's abilities, but the problem exists when you have to put down another's ability to build yours up. That's where you've crossed into the land of the cocky. Constantly stating that you're the best is not really done to convince others, but more so out of a need to convince yourself. If you truly are pretty, have faith in the ability of others. If you are pretty, we'll see it-- you don't have to sell it to us.

The missing person from the equation is the person with a moderate, healthy, or what I call "normal" amount of self esteem. That's the person who realizes "it is what it is—but it doesn't have to be that way." To me, he should be your target.

Okay, so, as I've done previously, I'll be using my life and my experiences to help illustrate what I mean. So far, I would have to say that this is going to be the toughest section I've had to grapple with.

—What Happens—Or Doesn't Happen In Your Childhood Can And Does Affect You—

Everybody is always blaming his current reality on his past, and to some degree, you are who and where you are because of what did or didn't happen in your childhood. What you value or don't value is in direct connection to the things you were taught to value both consciously and subconsciously by the sum total of your experiences as you were developing as a child.

I'll have to agree with the overly used illustration of children being like wet cement. Depending on impressions that are made, lessons taught, values stressed, that determines what shape the cement takes. Fortunately, and also unfortunately, something as light as a leaf can leave a lasting impression in cement. With that being said, as a child, just about everything that is done to you, around you, shapes how you develop, and almost always directly dictates how you see the world.

As I've said earlier, I love my job, but there is no way that the four years I spent in college, and the year I spent in graduate school could prepare me for what I was about to experience. My students, my students, my students—I know I'm there to teach them, but daily, they teach me so much more than they realize. The biggest thing that I've learned is that as an adult, what I say, and sometimes more importantly what I don't say can either crush or build up a child.

Children are like sponges, and they soak up whatever they are around. If a child has parents that place a high value on using intellect instead of physical beauty, as strength, most likely she'll grow to be a scholar that values what she can decipher for herself because she believes that she can, and should use her ability to reason to get her out of situations instead of batting her eyelashes.

Growing up, I had really low self-esteem. I hated the way I looked. Let me back up, though -- it wasn't always like that. Prior to the age of seven, I was always in front of the camera. I had no concept of beauty. I didn't know it was something that's ranked. If there was a camera, I was cheesing, and cheesing hard. I'm talking about that fake exaggerated smile in which you show all of your teeth. If I saw a camera, I'd strike a pose, hold my head back, and flash my smile. You couldn't have told me I wasn't pretty, because I wouldn't have believed it, and I didn't, until someone told me I wasn't. The weight of that comment made in passing, so insignificant to the speaker that she doesn't even remember saying it, was so heavy that a lasting impression had been made.

It seems like cement dries more quickly, the younger you are. And the more negative the comment, the deeper the impression it makes, the faster it seems to dry.

So yes, as a child, I thought I was ugly. I internalized what was said, and I began to hate my dark skin, full lips, and the gaping gap that separated my two front teeth. The cameras would come out, but I wouldn't smile. I began to hide from the lens -- I didn't need a permanent reminder of what'd become my reality.

But to be fair, I can't put all of the blame on that one conversation. Daily, I was having "conversations" with the media. The media was talking to me through movies, commercials and TV shows. I was an "indoor" kid, and since I didn't have a lot of friends, and even fewer that lived nearby, I'd watch countless hours of television. It got to the point that I was able to tell time, not by the clocks that were on the walls, but by what was on television. My life existed in 30 minute segments that revolved around my favorite television sitcoms and cartoons.

The media has changed greatly over time. In my opinion, little black girls today have it made. When I was gorging on these countless hours of television, I wasn't being fed with images sending the message that black was beautiful. No, the media didn't come out and directly put down being black, but looking at the images, or lack thereof, of blacks presented in the media, the message that I got was, the lighter, or closer to white you were, the more beautiful you were. The longer your hair, the straighter your hair, the prettier you were. Yes, I know what you're thinking, we had "The Cosby Show" and "Family Matters," but other than those two shows and a few others that had a very short life in TV Land, every other show, commercial or movie was portraying images of a beauty that I couldn't, and still can't really identify with. There were very few images of black families presented in the media, and even fewer images of dark-skinned black women shown as objects of desire. So, it was what wasn't being said that was saying the most.

I existed day after day never hearing I was pretty. I wasn't getting it from home and I wasn't getting it from my closest friend—the TV. Instead of verbal and subliminal reinforcement of my physical beauty, I got affirmations of other qualities that I possessed. My Aunt Tina, who called me "Fats" because of my fat legs, said that I was a "precocious" child. I do believe that I was the only four-year-old walking around knowing what "precocious" meant. I excelled in school, and I clung to my trophies that each honor's assembly brought me.

I don't want you to start second-guessing my parents. They weren't some evil hatemongers that were unsupportive. That's not the case. My parents, and more importantly my mother, didn't place emphasis on physical beauty because that's not what she put a lot of stock in. Anyone who knows my parents knows them to be service-oriented individuals. I was raised in a house that sometimes felt like a hotel because our doors were always open to those in need of a place to stay, be it family or friends of friends.

My parents are hard workers, and both valued and praised me for my display of work ethic in school, religious matters and in professional pursuits. Because that's what they valued, that's what we discussed. If I was slipping, they'd let me know it. When I did well, and it was expected that I would, they let me know that, too.

But I equally missed and needed confirmation that I was beautiful and worthy of some man one day wanting. I needed a voice of positivity to counteract what the voices in my head were yelling, and something that could be louder than the taunts I was getting daily at school.

But I'm not a child anymore. I survived the jokes and taunts. They say: "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." I've got mixed feelings about that. Sometimes, what doesn't kill you makes you wish it did. The days that I'd look in the mirror and just cry, I really thought death could be better than being ugly. But today, thankfully, I'm stronger, and I had several impressions made in my cement later in life to counteract what I'd earlier experienced.

I came to grips that some things just aren't going to change. Unlike Michael Jackson, I'm really not going to fade to white over time. In the late 90s and the early part of the new millennium, dark-skinned people came back in style. The reign of Al B. Sure was over, and it was "Hello Wesley Snipes!" The media, as I later learned, is fickle. My big lips that I'd spent so many years hating are apparently worth thousands of dollars in Hollywood's "Silicone Valley".

But enough about me; let me get back to my students. Many of my students, like most people nowadays, are damaged goods. I've got students that were literally thrown away, given away, traded—you name it, it's happened to these kids. They've heard how they came too early and ruined their mom's chance of having a childhood, and some were told by their parents they wish they were never born. I've got the "Oops!" babies, and I've got the girls that always came second to whatever man their moms were dating. I've got students who daily come to school from homes filled with arguing and abusive speech with the weight of their parents' existence riding on their shoulders, after all—they are staying together "for the kids." Needless to say, these things get into their heads and affect how they see themselves.

I watch it play out in their behavior in the classroom. Without ever hearing all the details of their past, I can tell, by the things they do, and don't do, how they view themselves. Who and what they choose to emulate says so much about what they perceive themselves to be.

I see the frustration on the faces of teachers and administrators as they watch these troubled youths wander aimlessly throughout the day seemingly without a hope or a prayer. Daily they struggle with adult-sized problems with the maturity and capabilities of a fragile child.

They face and are plagued with problems that I've yet to experience. When I first began working at my current school, I walked around dazed and out of touch. I laugh as I type this, because to hear Coach Buckmon, one of my biggest supporters and voices of reason at my school, I still am just as clueless as I was when I began working at this school five years ago.

I had no clue that the confidence and drive that I used to both set and reach goals was a product of the impression my parents made in my cement. I had no clue how much difference could be made in a child's performance by simply letting them know that you know they "know better, and can and will do better."

Not to toot my own horn (toot toot ) but over the years I've accumulated a gaggle of students (can you have a gaggle of something other than geese?) that have gravitated to me because they say that I make them want to do better because I constantly tell them that they can. Apparently I was telling them something that either they'd never been told, or hadn't been told in a long time.

However, let me say this—what happened has happened. It is what it is, but it doesn't have to _stay_ that way.

—When You Know Better—You Do Better Because You Feel You Deserve Better—

We protect things that we value. You care about what's inside your house, and you want it to be there when you get back, you take the extra few seconds to lock the door before you leave in the morning. Better yet, look at how people treat their cars. You ever see a car left in a parking lot with the windows down, seats tattered, floor cluttered with remnants of food products and other debris, and the keys are in the ignition? It's almost like they are daring someone to take it. This car has had its share of fender benders and swipes and outright dents that one more dent or scratch could go unnoticed. It's the driver of this car that is the riskiest driver. This is the driver that takes more luxuries with his driving weaving in and out of traffic and making dangerous left turns. He likes his car, no, he needs his car, but he really doesn't act like it.

The same thing is true with us. If we value our life, our freedom, and our bodies, we protect them. When we don't, that's when you see people spiraling out of control with self destructive behaviors.

I have a friend, and I'm sure she won't mind me sharing this because she's come so far from where she once was, that tried every extreme measure of self-destruction imaginable. When she first began opening up to me some of the things she has done, and at times, was continuing to do, I really didn't see how or why she'd do that. Like seriously, who does that? But it's the story behind her stories that actually explained to me the "how could she?" and the "why would she" questions that just seemed to go unanswered for too long. It was through her that I learned that your past can and does impact your present, and that only you can grab control of it to keep it from negatively influencing your future.

To help better stress the impact of the past on the future, I'm including the results of two of the interviews I conducted with two individuals whose pasts had caused their present to spiral out of control.

I sent both participants a list of questions, gave them the option to answer them anyway they saw fit, and with as much or as little detail as they saw fit. There was only one stipulation—if they couldn't or wouldn't answer honestly to please omit the question. I've opted not to use their names, and the names of minor details and places have been changed to protect the anonymity of other persons in their lives. In advance, I'd like to thank them. They were both more forthcoming than I'd ever thought they'd be due to their circumstances, but both wanted to do all they could to help any and everyone who might find themselves in a similar situation.

First up, we've got Wade. Wade's in his mid-twenties now, and from what I can tell, he's now running his own business and is doing well.

Wade opted to reply directly to the questions.

Describe your home life situation growing up. How far did your family make up deviate from a traditional nuclear family?

My father and mother divorced when I was five-years-old. My mother raised me until I was 12-years-old; at the age of 12 she got involved with a religious community that kind of alienated her from the outside world. So from the age of 12 to the age of 16 I stayed with my father and stepmother. My stepmother is what I call a "man-hater" because of the way her father treated her and her family growing up, so that led to me not really feeling comfortable or respected in my own home during the stay with them. So then I moved to Columbus, Ohio at the age of 16 and stayed with my dear Aunt Marcy and graduated high school there.

How did your family structure deviation affect your development?

After the age of 12 I felt kind of like I was always searching for love, or a family. I found that love and family environment through close friends and their families that I usually spent time with on the weekends. At the same time they weren't my "real" family so I always kind of felt alone.

Oftentimes, traumatic things happen to children in their childhood. What trauma did you experience?

The most traumatic thing I think I've ever had to deal with is growing up through those impressionable years without my mother's love and influence. People used to ask me if I ever thought she would come back to the "real world", and I honestly didn't ever think that she would. I'm not one for feeling sorry for myself but having to grow up with that mentality left me with a certain level of "emptiness".

**How did you feel about yourself growing up as a result of the things you experienced**?

I feel like I still had a positive view of myself. I feel like it made me a stronger person but at the same time I almost had to develop an emotional numbness so that I didn't have to necessarily deal with my problems, I can just turn my emotions off and keep on ticking.

When did the behaviors start? What behaviors did you begin and why?

Halfway through my first semester of college I couldn't ever get my financial aid approved and since I didn't have the money or the means to pay for school I simply stopped going, but I was still around the college environment. This is when I began to drink heavily and indulge in just about any drug I could get my hands on.

Looking back, how did you justify your behaviors to yourself?

I didn't look for justification, I was just down for the party and escaping reality as much as I could.

How did you view yourself?

I almost felt like dust in the wind. Waking up everyday with the mentality that I would like to get more messed up than the day before. No real goals or ambitions in life besides chasing a "high" and partying. Looking back, it's almost like I just didn't feel at all.

Have you attempted suicide? If so, when?

Not "suicide" in the way of putting a gun to my head or slitting my wrist, but more like a gradual self-destruction by consuming drugs and alcohol as much as I could.

What's the most shameful thing you've done in the past?

I broke into my uncle's house to steal change so that I could buy drugs.

How did you begin to gain control over your behaviors?

At the age of 22 I simply just got tired of living that life, I wanted to do something with myself. I had a voice that told me if I didn't do something soon then I wouldn't ever do anything.

Looking back, how did you begin to change your self view?

I moved to Cleveland at the age of 22 to be around my brother and father and got a job doing electrical work. It challenged me on a daily basis and gave me something to look forward to. I love the work I do. That, in turn, made me feel a lot better about myself as a person and as a part of everyday society.

In the stream of recovery, where are you? What behaviors have you somewhat gained victory over? Which are still a struggle for you, and why?

I still drink alcohol, but not to get a buzz but because I just like the taste. I no longer drink everyday; mostly socially when I'm around friends or a family gathering.

How is your relationship with your parents now, and why?

I am still very bitter towards my mother, but I don't want to beat her up about the decisions that she has made so therefore I kind of keep her at arm's length. We have a relationship now but it could never amount to what it would have been if she never left.

When you feel low, how do you recover?

I try my best to remind myself that happiness is a choice, I honestly feel like when you are low, you are making the choice to be low or depressed.

How have your struggles made you who you are today? What benefits can you take from what you've had to undergo?

My struggles have made me a very strong person, I stand strong on my own, but I do have trust issues with people in general. This makes me feel like I might have a hermit mentality, because I don't feel comfortable depending on other people for my own happiness.

For the readers that are out there that may be going through something, or have had a not-so-promising childhood, what would you say to them?

EVERYTHING in life, good or bad, happens for a reason. That reason may not become apparent until the end of your time, but whenever something happens make sure that you learn a lesson from it and don't keep making the same mistakes over and over again.

****

I've known Wade for years, and it's sad that you can "know" someone, but not really "know" them. Does that make sense? I can't remember being around him and him looking weighed down, or on the brink of giving up. I knew him through the course of his downward spiral, but I never looked at him closely enough to actually see what was going on. Looking back, yes, the signs were there. I'd have been a fool not to see them. But, I missed them. Many of us missed them. I've spent time with him over the years through his trials and growths and developments, and from the outside, it didn't appear that he was carrying around this much weight and concern. When I was fortunate enough to see him, he'd be smiling, happy to be amongst his friends. This has helped me to now realize, just because a person seems to be unaffected, doesn't mean everything is going as it ought.

Nowadays, I get to really talk to him more. Age and maturity have allowed us to open up and really share what's going on with us. Just the other day, he was telling me about a major decision he'd made to phase someone out of his life. He'd come to realize that he deserves better, and he shouldn't and wouldn't accept less. It's true what they say, "Once you know better, you do better, because you realize that you deserve better."

He and I still don't talk or hang daily, but I know he's there, and he knows I'm there. Thanks to technology, we're just one phone call or a click of a mouse away.

Next we've got Laila. Laila often keeps a journal, and so her responses to my questions are excerpts from several journals she's kept over the years. I literally did a cut and paste from her responses. I must warn you, her level of candid frankness can at times be unnerving, but she assured me that it's okay, and that she's okay. She's in a much better place in her life now. In fact, both Laila and Wade, have through hard work, and diligent redirection, steered their lives onto a more stable and suitable path.

Laila sent me pages and pages of her journals. I sifted through what I could, due to the depth of what she's provided and the amount of detail she provided, I opted to omit some of the more graphic portions.

Here's Laila's story:

Jan, I've got some of my old journal stuff. Let me see what I've got.

****

This is from summer 2006. I don't act in a bitter way toward my parents now because there's no point. My parents have made the choices that they've made, and so I don't expect them to be anything different than they are. I felt the anger back in 2006, and even in some parts of early 2009. I'm mostly past all that now. I just don't have the energy to care much anymore, but I did feel this:

My mother makes me so angry. Never wants to call to talk, really. Never wants to do things with me, take me out to do things. If anyone's taking care of anyone in this relationship, it's me. She called me the other week, asking for money. The week before last, I gave her money and took her to a comedy show. Yet she had the nerve a few days later to yell at me on the phone about something that had absolutely nothing to do with her. Don't get me started.

And my father. The other week, he informed my mother that they have an "open" marriage, and can do whatever they want. I felt sorry for her at the time but now I'm just angry. She's an adult. She can leave at any time. She knew what she was getting into when she married him.

Angry at his mother. His side of the family. For being such drug-abusing, ghetto fabulous freaks. I'd love to get to know my family more and spend time with them, but forget that. I don't want their lifestyle.

My mother, again. Oh, yeah. The abuse stuff. I'm just supposed to swallow her complicity with it all? Forget that.

And when she had me, I know she was young or whatever, but it's like, if your parents are offering to let you stay and have a stable environment for you and your kid, shut up and swallow your pride and stay. Don't move out into some housing projects like you can't do better, and then squander away what money you do have on beer and drugs. And don't go to random people's houses for god knows what and bring your CHILD into that environment.

Sure, send your kid off into some random bedroom in some random house. I'm sure absolutely no-one's going to bother your kid in there because you know all these fine, upstanding individuals.

******

This one's an experience. The teacher at school. I wrote this back in 2006, also:

So, anyway...spring break. And I look worlds different than I did before. People can say what they want, but they really do treat you differently based on how you look.

When I walked into the classroom, I went for my usual seat toward the back middle near Brandon Hertz [our resident German exchange student]. Mr. Johnson said, "Hey, do we have a new student in our room today?" and I turned around, blushing.

He smiled at me, giving me the up and down once over. "You look very nice, Miss Carrington," he said. "Hope you had a good break."

It's like I really started to exist for him then. I felt kind of weird about the attention at first, but I chalked that up to not being used to it, you know? I also chalked it up to the fact that it felt nice, but artificial, and that when I changed my hair again or whatever, whatever changed, I would be like Cinderella at the ball past midnight, you know?

So, I thought that's what it was. And I'm sure that was a lot of it. But I would also catch him looking at me a certain way. At first, I thought I was crazy -- after all, this is my math teacher, who used to all but hate me at the beginning of the year. Is this clown checking me out? But it was kind of unmistakable...I'd be working on something in class, or whatever, and then look up and catch him looking or staring...sometimes he'd blush, and look away, or whatever. But it was definitely there.

I'd kind of just brush it off...I was, after all, grateful that people didn't think I was hideous anymore or whatever. Figured I'd soak all that stuff up whilst I could get it, you know?

OK, fine, no problem. Everything OK, right?

Well...

So, we're getting close to the end of the school year. We had Debate Team nationals coming up in May in Philly. I knew I was going to want to do some studying for the final while I was away.

So, it's the day my class had the AP US History Exam. I must've read the entire study guide the night before. First time I'd really cracked the book.

After the exam, I went by my debate team coach's room to see if anyone was left for practice...but they had all gone. We were leaving for Philly in a couple of days anyway, so they were kind of past the whole sticking around for whole long practices thing. I was going to chat it up for a few minutes with Mr. Mattox before I headed to Karen's pool party a few minutes away from school, but then I remembered -- oh yeah! My math test!

I hadn't been in class that day because I'd taken the AP Exam, and I figured that Mr. Johnson had passed back the quizzes and tests from which to study for the final. So I thought I'd be a dutiful student, go upstairs, and get my exams.
I ran upstairs. It was close to 5 PM, or maybe even later, on May 18. Toward the end of the school year. The halls were empty. I didn't think anything of it -- in fact, I cursed myself, because I thought I'd missed him. But his door was open. I walked in timidly.

"Miss Carrington!" he exclaimed. "Lailan [my given name]," he said, a little more softly.

"Hi, Mr. Johnson," I said, a little nervously. That man always made me so nervous, and I could never figure out why.

****

interlude -- i want to cut myself so bad right now (remembering back to hurtful situations makes me feel self-destructive)

****

"How'd the exams go?" he asked. "What'd you have today, economics?"

"History," I said. "I think I did ok on the regular multiple- choice, but I know I aced the document questions, so I think I got a good score.""I'm glad it went well," He said, smiling. "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Well," I said, "I uh, was wondering, if you might have accidentally graded the quizzes or the tests."

"Well, I graded the quizzes, handed them back, and I graded the tests, but I haven't handed them back yet."

I said, "Oh, OK."

"Do you want your quiz?"

"Um," I said, "If you have it handy, but it's no trouble if you don't..."

He said, "No! Not at all, no trouble!" Mighty enthusiastic he was. "Tell you what, take my bag out into the hall for me, and I'll meet you out there, and I can go over it with you, show you what you missed."

"OK," I said.

Even then, warning bells were ringing in my head. That just didn't sound right. Johnson never seemed like one to go over your quiz with you right then and there, especially if you didn't ask. But maybe it wasn't so much that, as his tone...I dunno. It was just....weird, you know?

Well, I did like he said...I took his bag out into the hall. I remember being afraid to put it down on the floor. So I held it, as I looked up at some student stuff up on the walls and bulletin boards. Eventually, he got himself sorted, and came outside. He put his things on the floor, and was like, "Oh, you could've put that down on the floor."

I felt a little silly.

Anyway, I was standing right next to him, whatever. I was wanting to get to Karen's pool party, because I knew I couldn't stay there long before I had to leave and go home for another obligation.

I stood next to him. He rooted around in his bag for the folder with the quizzes. "Ah, here they are." He found mine.

****

I'm about to start crying. I feel so sad.

****

Anyway...So, he held my quiz. And then he said, "Let's see what you missed."

****

I'm sitting here, staring into space.

I didn't have a whole lot of trouble typing the rest of this, but now it's like I'm afraid to type.

****

Anyway....He held my quiz, then handed it to me. And he said, "Let's see what you missed."

He grabbed me around my side, on my love handles, with one hand, and pulled me close to him. I guess if we had been sitting, it would have been the equivalent of me sitting in his lap.

But we were standing as it was. And he was pressed up against me. And with one hand, he was massaging me, feeling me -- I couldn't tell you where exactly now right now, as I've blocked that part out. But with his other hand, he was explaining the quiz, as if everything that were going on were perfectly normal.

I. DID NOT. KNOW WHAT. TO DO.

So I did what I always do with abusers. I FROZE.I froze. I listened to him explain this quiz and limits approaching infinity as he felt and massaged and pressed up again me. My brain said 'holy crap' but that was about all I could process. Well, my brain sorted out the...implication of his actions, one might say.

The halls were empty.

The teachers' lounge was empty.

Maybe this was all very friendly.

All very friendly, friendly friendly

and I stupidly misconstrued it

but it didn't feel "friendly" at the time

the message [and the massage]

seemed rather clear

and there was how the limit of 2 as it approached infinity without bound, how he moved his finger right to my left breast to illustrate that

and the way my hands shook as he did that

And I don't even remember what else

just that the janitor showed up

and Johnson backed up about 2423421 feet from me

And I said "I've gotta go"

and hightailed it out of there

and went to Mattox's room

grabbed my stuff

went out to the teacher's lot to get in my car

and doggoned if he isn't out there getting situated on his motorcycle

it was a hot day

i had both my front windows down

[maybe i wanted him to talk to me?]

i was ashamed, deeply

and afraid

i wanted him to LEAVE first

but he wouldn't

he just stayed parked on his motorcycle

finally

it got awkward

so i left

i mean, i pulled out to go to the exit

and he started to pull out to go to the exit

and he pulled up to my car

and he turned and he spoke to me

and he said something that i cannot remember but my blood ran cold

i knew what he wanted, what he'd wanted

and i knew that no one would ever believe me

so i got the heck out of there

took my fat butt to Karen's

got in the pool

isolated Mina, told her

and she said

"oh, he must want you then,"

and i grinned

i FREAKING GRINNED

stupid idiot me

i went home

felt all topsy-turvy

eventually went to bed

tossed and turned

had nightmares

dressed baggy the next day

put my head down for 56 minutes

did not interact in class

burned with shame

went to phillynot long after that

was angry and cranky

ate little

purged food, just to make myself hurt

took long walks alone

avoided him as much as i could

avoid avoid avoid

put it out of my mind

didn't deal, didn't deal

denied it, dismissed it

tried to

bad dreams over the summer

all kinds of crap

i dunno

just felt weird

didn't have a name for it

school, senior year

another of those math contests

took the exam from Johnson

Mina pulled me aside after the contest

said "i need to talk to you NOW"

what?

"I'm sorry"

for what

"Laila, I'm SO SORRY"

what?

"Johnson. You were right. I believe you now."

what? that was last year.

"No. I saw him. When you walked in. When you walked away, the way he was looking at you. When you were sitting down taking the contest, he was watching you the whole time. and the way he was looking...it was a way that no teacher should ever look at a student..."

I started bawling

****

I'll spare the further details for now

But I'm so angry and scared and frustrated and tired and it's not fair

i feel like I AM the crazy one

and he came into my Target store in 2001

i had a panic attack

i didn't know what to say

i wanted to apologise

i wanted to confront him

i wanted to...i dunno

i tried avoiding him, but i worked in customer service, where he needed to come to return an item

so he sort of came over that way, saw me, and i shrugged, cos i didn't know what else to do

and he kind of nodded at me, and then his eyes focused elsewhere

and i felt like crap

i felt so stupid

like i had betrayed HIM

like i had done something stupid and wrong

like i should have just SHUT MY STUPID MOUTH

and screwed him like who knows who did before me

just screwed the man, got it over with, done my Duty

whatever

i dunno

he reminds me of my stepfather in some ways

man

i dunno

whatever

i was a stupid chick and anyway i told and it screwed up MY stupid senior year

should've just screwed him and got it over with

maybe i would've got a better grade

as it was, i barely passed, and he probably passed me because i let him touch me

i did the math -- there's no way i would've passed on my own

i was in a precarious position and he knew it

i should've screwed him, maybe i would've gotten an A

instead of a lousy D

i guess getting groped is only worth a D

man

well whatever i can't do this anymore

[stupid whore]

________________________________________

i'd rather starve myself to death

that's got to be better than feeling you...,

around me over and over again every day

dying a little death each time. i hate you

why?

just tell me, why?

even if it's: " You were an easy mark"

"i just felt like it"

"you're ugly and i knew no one would believe you"

"you suck"

whatever, whatever whatever

*****

I wrote this back in 2006 when the anorexia was starting to get really bad. I may have shared some of it with you already; I think I did, for some reason. But here you have it:

Yeah, well, wouldn't you know...dear old dad's not satisfied with teaching you about sex with videos and magazines. No, he's done with the visual aids, and wants to move on to experiential.

Luckily, you have a closet you can go hide in and sleep in (The mattress your uncle used when he slept on your bed with the prostitute that time your folks made you sleep out in the den because he and the prostitute were using your room -- that's the mattress in your closet. You curl up in it because if it comes down to that and staying in your bed, you'd rather curl up on it... You can't do it every night, you know. But sometimes.)

So, anyway. You're in 5th grade and you drop out of orchestra, and chorus. You clam up, and you take an inordinate amount of bathroom breaks at school. You don't want to get in trouble, but you just have to check and see if you're pregnant. You haven't started your period yet, but Daddy warned you about those girls who get pregnant even without their periods.

You are so scared that will be you -- a mother at 11.

You start to go a little crazy.

****

You can't tell anyone. After all, your mother told you repeatedly "what happens here, stays here."

But you learn what you're good for. Your demeanor and spirit get you mocked in the 'hood. You're some kind of nerd, and your glasses are too big and your braces too shiny.

****

Things went pretty well for me socially throughout high school. I'm not going to say I was Miss Popularity, but I wasn't unpopular. I had plenty of friends and acquaintances, and a best friend. Things were pretty chill.

I had a few run-ins with guys, but they were largely consensual. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel needed. I remember one guy even asking me "So, does this mean we're boyfriend and girlfriend?" and me laughing in his face. I had no interest in the romance aspect of anything. I just wanted to be gutted and to feel.

That's probably why I experimented with the stoner crowd my 10th grade year -- I wondered if pot could help me feel something. It didn't, at least not in high school, but that's another story.

****

Results of behaviors:

2004-09-08 11:47:00

Current mood: tired

I'm starting to slip into a mode of having a secret that the world at large is starting to figure out. So maybe I can stop now? Maybe I've gone far enough? I took off my glasses--facial bones starting to get more prominent. Yeah, maybe I look beautiful in a way, but I also look really rough. I look like I could use a few meals, but it's still not enough, and maybe it'll never be.

Fast forward...OK, so my dumb behind goes for a couple miles' run before my doctor's appointment. smart. My b/p was stable...

I told Dr. Grant EVERYTHING, even about my insulin OD. (I'd OD'd on my grandmother's insulin and did a fairly good job of almost killing myself). She was really glad to see me, and listened to everything and checked everything, you know? God, i love her. she prescribed birth control so i'll have a period and more Lexapro (for depression) and tons of K-Clon [potassium]...she's obviously concerned about a lot of stuff. i asked about the possibility of re-feeding aids, but she says that's not practical if i'm trying to get better long-term. Right now, she just wants me to drink regularly fluids with electrolytes so I can, you know, Stay Alive. We'll go on to food later this week when I see Taylor, my dietitian. She said she would call Taylor and make her have sessions with me, haha. Obviously, I'm to stop running and stop losing weight...she had me lay down on the table, and i was like, "Ow!" She was like, "hurts when you have no body fat, eh?" "Meh."

12/2/04

Anyway, where have I been? What's been going on? Hmm. In no particular order, I made it to Memphis and Arkansas and such. I've worked a lot. I got the hole in my roof repaired, so I no longer have a sunroof. I finished The Great Gatsby. I had a mild heart attack. But the most recent EKG was the same as the one before it--no new damage--so that's encouraging. (Had a heart attack that year as a result of my behaviors)

****

Experience and eating disorder reaction to abuse stuff:

Sep 29, 2007 10:42 AM

Please pardon me in advance, some of this is likely going to come out pretty... not-pretty.

I started reading this article on ajc.com, about how the police were looking for this little girl in some sex tape video, and found her. Now, I didn't even know anything about it all -- I rarely watch TV, much less the news, and I rarely read the newspaper in print. I'll scan through stories online, but I don't go trolling for news stories.

Anyway, so this article came up when I was reading about something else, and I clicked the link. I can't even explain the feeling. Definitely anger is in there, and -- oh, hell. I don't even know. I get to this part: " Earlier in the day, authorities gave to the media a first name for the girl, whose haunting face could be seen in the video in which she was raped and sexually assaulted."

And I'm like -- DUDE! She's THREE in the video. Three years old, and that's IT. Again, I don't even know how to explain the feeling. Just so, so, so, ... angry? Disturbed? Agggh, I don't know, and I suspect I don't feel exactly what a "normal" person is supposed to feel about it all.

I'm curious, you know, and everything. Like, about what the World At Large would think. So I do a search and find the same article on USA Today, but they allow comments. Overwhelmingly, you get comments like "What a sick jerk, who does that to a child?" "He should castrated and shot," etc. etc. blah blah blah, and saying basically, 'poor girl, I hope she is happy in life and will work through this,' 'God bless her and help her move past this horribleness'... nothing but a show of support for the kid. OF COURSE no one said anything like, "Well of course it was all her fault, she must have been asking for it." No one said anything about how she should go around feeling ashamed. Nothing like that -- it was all on the perpetrator.

Uffffff. There must be something wrong with me. I get pissed when I hear stuff like this, and I get sad. I don't feel like I do it "right", though. Like, I somehow don't get outraged enough or something.

Maybe it's several things. I mean, I guess part of it is that when the big story breaks on the news and the person confesses to raping the kid or it's just SO OBVIOUS BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH EVIDENCE or whatever, and it's like, the whole world is behind this kid and what they went through or whatever whatever. It's like Well OK THEN it wasn't THEIR fault for whatever THEY went through but I guess the rules were different with me? I don't know?

I haven't been doing so well with all this stuff of late anyway. It's been a bigger body hatred period than usual. i HATE what my body did to me, responding the way it did all those times with my stepfather. and NOW, all it seems to want is bad touch, bad touch, bad touch. I hate it.

I bought razor blades today -- I've never done that before. Usually I find some other implement but it's like \-- that stuff isn't good enough for what I have to do. What I think I have to do. I don't know.

Am presently stuffing bread down my gullet. Barely taste it -- and who cares? I just need something to stuff that I can purge that will pass painfully. Bread isn't one of the world's most purgeable foods, I can tell you that much.

I feel like a lunatic. Really. Lately, I've been thinking in ... literature. The best way I can explain it is that normal brain chatter has been replaced by someone narrating a story, prose, anything/something literary.

I try to sleep some nights and I'm so tired but it's like I can't settle.

I called my psychiatrist the other day to try to get an appointment so that maybe I can see about getting some meds. Maybe I'm just a little off-balance and there's something that can help take the edge off.

Maybe. October 9 can't come fast enough.

How do you raise your hand and say, "Help?" And what does help even LOOK like for real, these days? I mean, can't nobody fix it. This isn't fixable. It's not like a wand can be waved, and I can be whole again like this stuff never happened. I feel like such a fraud when I try to act like I feel the Opposite of Useless and Permanently Damaged, and it feels like something keeps coming back to remind me of that state of Being/Feeling. They say that we each decide that individually and all that crap, but last I checked, I have to share the world with the rest of yous and try and interpret your actions and words as best I can, and between all of that I gather that no matter how hard I try, I don't seem to "get it", I'm awkward and bad and wrong, unwanted/unwantable, and at least dead I'm worth some insurance money or something.

I don't know what else to say right now.

I've been sitting here for 10 minutes, trying to come up with something else.

I will say this, which sounds probably kind of weird but so be it, I've told you everything else.

Maybe it's part of the anger, too. I wonder if the kid is going to be OK, you know, physically -- if everything's going to be in working order.

As far as I know for me, the inner plumbing is, more or less, good to go -- though obviously I've not really put the fertility bits to the test per se. You know.

****

I hate to feel like I'm giving up on life because it kind of ruffles my feathers or whatever. I guess it's not a particularly easy enterprise for very many people. I'm still really tired of hating myself and then trying to stop that and doing OK for a while and then falling back into even worse self-hatred. I hate the fall back whenever I manage to do some semblance of better, and I'm just sick of the ride.

I would rather be hiding in a closet. Lying in a bed staring at the ceiling design. Crawling on the floor to go get water, whatever, all those things I had to do with my mother and stepfather In the thick of it trying to survive rather than coping with the aftereffects.

I'm going to purge this food. Maybe put some more in, I don't know. I could give a crap about coping skills. The only thing I want to cope with is my desire to completely self-destruct and I'll buy some time from that by doing what I do in other ways -- the blades, food stuff, etc. What's the point, I know, THEY WIN, you'd probably say, and you know what? I guess they already have. It's not a game, my life wasn't supposed to be about some game, it's like Who's Line is it Anyway -- everything's made up and the points don't matter. It's not win or lose but showing up, and oh, hell, have I tried to.

Oy. I think I'm done for right now. I'm so... ufff. I don't know. Or I do know, but it feels too disturbing for even me to say.

I once dated a man back in 2004, I think it was -- considerably older than me -- who would embrace me, and -- here's a quote from a missive of mine:

"Remembering the hands of the 50-year-old man on my rib cage. Saying he liked that he could feel my rib cage and its bones all distinct."

I remember. The way he held me, it's like he could break me half in two with only half of his strength, if he so desired. I didn't take up much space.

"I like it that you're so thin," he said, smiling. "I like it that I can feel your bones, and count every rib."

Now I kind of have enough presence of mind to wonder WHO says things like that, but at the time...

*****

Re: cuts, from 2007:

Gram saw all my cuts. And absolutely did not buy that they were scratches from where I scraped up against something at work. She even said, "Look, I'm not dumb, I'm not stupid, I AM forgetful but I'm not a dummy and I KNOW you made those cuts yourself." I never really thought she paid that stuff much attention because cutting's not been a huge issue for me like the ED stuff.

It's a long story, the things that were said after, but she was pretty concerned and felt like I need to be hospitalized, or something. I tried to make a joke of everything, and I felt really, really low, because... OK. I'll admit, at one point in my life I would have wanted her to notice everything. And I'm not saying that I don't want notice and attention now from other quarters...

But with her, it's different. I want her to be taken care of. I don't want her to have to worry about anything. When big bills come up and her money is tight, I like to be able to step up in there and go, "Hey, I got it." I know she's not my responsibility, but I care about her. There's a lot I don't tell her, things I struggle with that she has no clue about, because... I just don't want her to worry. It's like a parent with their kids \-- there are certain struggles you just don't share with kids because you don't want to burden them. It's similar with her -- she's old and I don't want her to have to worry about too much.

I just talked to her and I think we're in a good place -- she just wants things to work out well for me, I understand. I told her that I'd have what I needed, one way or the other, and not to worry. I told her I'd take her shopping tomorrow if she wanted and that I was going to try and pay on at least one of her bills online.

So, I guess we'll see with all that...

******

More on the attack with the guy in the stairwell. Written August 2007:

And not just the 'childhood' stuff, but the collateral damage. Because of the way I came up, I ended up putting myself in situations later on even after I was 18 that ended up being really damaging to me.

Meanwhile, of course, all this time, I've been blaming myself for every single thing that happened. Which is why I ended up hating myself. Which is why I destroy myself, because what person who truly loves themselves treats themselves so hatefully?

Kind of the thing I've been most angry about of late is something that happened when I was 18. It was a few weeks before college started. I was at freshman orientation, and then it ended, so most people left by way of Peachtree Street to go catch MARTA at 5 Points. I had to make a payment to the college, so I went to another building. Anyway, I ran into this guy I had known in high school. He was real friendly, and we kind of caught up, and he was telling me the whereabouts of people we knew in common.

Anyway. He didn't get to finish what he started, as his further penetrative intentions were obvious. I was saved by oblivious people. A couple floors above, we heard a door open, and then voices. He pulled away from me. I jumped up, pulled up my pants, grabbed my stuff, and started running. Didn't look back for blocks.

A few weeks later I ran into him at The Sports Authority. I was shopping for shoes. He came up to me from behind, and stuck a knife in my side. Told me that he knew where I lived, and that if I snitched, he'd have no problem coming back to finish what he'd started. That he'd have no problem raping me.

I never told anyone until, like, last week. I mean, seriously, this stuff was straight out of a made-for-television movie. Of course, the couple of people I talked to were like, "Dude, finger, penis, whatever, that's rape." Which is true, I know, deep down. And in many states, it doesn't matter what is used to penetrate, if it's forcible, it's rape. My soul and spirit certainly don't know the difference.

But in Georgia, the law makes it "aggravated sexual battery" or some crap, which sounds more like a band name than a felony. And the statute of limitations I think has run out for that kind of crime, as opposed to if it were legally rape here in Georgia. Which pisses me off because I was finally considering reporting it.

My stepfather raped me repeatedly between the ages of 10 and 12, but that's another can of worms, and I don't see myself ever reporting that because of the whole deal with my family and what it could open up. It was bad enough when I told that he'd "touched" me (I was way too traumatized to try and tell the full extent of what he'd done.) That's a whole 'nother can of worms, but if I change my mind, I still have time to report it because it was a crime against a minor.

But this guy...I'm sure that he's out there doing this to other women. And I'm just so angry. I fought him, I actually fought back. But he laughed at me like I was some joke. He groped and kissed at me like we were lovers. And when I jerk back awake just as I'm getting to sleep some nights, it's not my stepfather's face, or the shadowy faces of the perpetrator[s] from when I was 2 [whole 'nother story altogether] -- it's this guy.

And that's just kind of the tip of the iceberg. And I feel like I'm going batty, completely losing my mind sometimes.

*****

This is from March 2009:

This is going to sound bad, but a year ago today I found my stepfather on the sex offender registry for the state of California. I flipped out, to put it politely. Basically he was convicted of rape and sodomy at age 18, served his sentence and then moved east, had some kids who were taken away from him with this woman he married (so God only knows what the wife thought he'd done to them), and ended up here in Georgia, where he met my mother, actually told her about the charges and his two previous marriages and the charges, and she married him anyway, when he was about 37. Hey, he accomplished a lot in 19 years. Good for him. Not.

A convicted sex offender. Rape and sodomy. My mother married him, and then proceeds to leave me alone with him whilst she works nights and such. You can probably bend the powers of your mind and figure out what happened next. Doesn't take a genius.

Yet, my mother being in such fine form, when I finally get around to telling her that her husband had the pesky habit of sleeping with me on days ending in "Y" and nights ending in sunrise, she called me a liar. Yeah, OK, Mom, I guess I imagined those bloody sheets. Right-o.

Anyway, so. It's a year later. I have no idea where my troll of a stepfather is, because his number got disconnected not long after I e-mailed the California Department of Justice his info once I realized he was an absconded sex offender. My mother must have talked to him right around then, and he must have told her about it, because she narrowed her eyes and basically told me off for sending the state of California that information. Yeah, because he's oh-so-oppressed, poor baby, that the kid he raped is now an adult and smart enough to send the state of Cali information that, I don't know, they are completely ENTITLED to know, since he ran off from there and doesn't give them updated information.

But, yeah. I don't know where he is, and it doesn't really matter. I've always seen him randomly pop up from time to time at places around the city. Sometimes on my street or around my house, but whatever. I'm a big girl now. I don't have to be afraid of running into him. I have, at times, visions of running into him and just asking him, you know, WHY?, but what would be the point? Would it matter? Would it undo what he did to me? I doubt it, and there's no justification for any of it, so why bother?

My mother is a whole 'nother kettle of fish. She's been decent to me for the past few months, but her life is full of suck right now. I mean, seriously, it sucks to be her. She's in a dead end job, living with my father's family, super banged up from an accident from 2 months ago, and just basically living this substandard god-only-knows-WHAT of an existence, and she's decided that she doesn't want to do teaching, but wants to go back to being a security guard or whatever. I don't have words for a woman who fails -- repeatedly -- to protect her kid from abusers. I understand that abuse happens, and that even wonderful parents can't protect their kids from everything. But come freakin' on, you know? To FACILITATE the abuse of your kid, and then lie about your knowledge of it, or worse yet, call them a liar?

Don't get me started. But she's kind of irrelevant to my life now. Occasionally I can feel the anger rise, but mostly when I bother to stop and consider her, I feel a little sorry for her. Her quality of life can't be much.

Anyway. So, like I was saying, I found my stepfather on the sex offender registry a year ago, and I flipped out about it. Started on this whole downward spiral, yada yada yada.

****

I'm the shining light in this family. Seriously, I'm going to be the one that made it. I am making it. I am, I am.

In spite of them, in spite of EVERYTHING. I'm here. I'm making it. And... maybe this is just the BEGINNING, is the scary wonderful thing. :)

So, yeah. A year ago, I found out for sure that I wasn't the only person whose life that my stepfather tried to ruin. I found out that my mother was a bigger monster than I could have imagined.

A year later, I am taking responsibility for my life, and refusing to base my happiness or lack thereof on their evil choices.

A year later, I'm sitting here smiling, because I survived. Because I'm alive. Because, dangit, I THRIVE.

*******

Addendum:

California took action. Turns out my stepfather is in Tennessee at some sort of extended-stay drug/alcohol residential treatment place to help people get their lives together. He is on the sex offender registry there.

At an early age, she was molested, raped and exposed to sexually graphic images, and unfortunately, as you've read, this wasn't a one-time occurrence-- she suffered from sexual abuse over a span of years.

Over time, in an attempt to gain and exercise control, she developed an eating disorder. With her eating disorder, she did both ends of the gamut—anorexia to binge eating and bulimia. In addition to the eating disorders, she became even more self-destructive—she began to binge drink and use drugs. I'm not sure the extent of her sexual activity, but she was seeking love and approval. With her life spiraling out of control she became a cutter. At first, I didn't understand the appeal with cutting. But from what I get from what I've read, cutters cut because of the need of control over emotions and pain. When they cut, they feel. What they are feeling is a direct byproduct to an action that they set into motion.

Needless to say, at one time, Laila didn't see her life nor her body as something worth protecting and valuing, thus her self-destructive actions. Fortunately, and unfortunately, I wasn't actively involved in her life for all of her self-destructive behaviors. Some of them she was able to stop by trading one unacceptable behavior for another. When our relationship resumed she was primarily battling the eating disorders and cutting. I'd talk to her for hours about her behaviors. I'd cry, she'd cry. I'd try to use logic, I used emotions, I used all tools I had in my bag. She went to counseling. She was in and out of treatment centers. Some days she did better than others, but it still was a struggle.

If there were a pill she could pop to make it all stop, I'm sure she would have done it. I know that I'm very convincing but it wasn't an issue of not knowing she was doing harm to herself or that her actions were hurting others.

I learned this over the years, when dealing with others' self-destructive decisions that have morphed into diseases and disorders, there is no amount of love in the world that can make them stop, unless the love comes from inside of them. If love were enough, she'd stop when she sees the pain in her sister's eyes caught in a stolen glance as she quickly scampers from the bathroom after tossing yet another meal. You can't love someone out of an addiction. I wish it were that easy.

It was only after hours and hours of counseling sessions, and refortifying herself spiritually that she began to climb out of the depths of her addictions. Through her counseling sessions, she was able to track her urges and identify a pattern. She was able to unearth memories and pain she'd packed away and get to the root of her issues. Major changes didn't happen overnight, and she had relapses. But over the course of time, she's found herself in a different place. In her own words:

January 2010: I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I'm so glad that I didn't give up on life completely, even when I really wanted to. I think that therapy and journaling really helped... looking inside myself at the messages I learned from the people around me, and over time confronting them one by one. I don't hate myself anymore. I don't blame myself anymore for the abuse that happened. I've opened myself up to others and let them love me. I practice caring, sharing, and giving with my husband and I let him love me and don't push his goodness away. We have an amazing life together I could only have dreamed of before. I never saw a healthy marriage modeled by anyone close to me in my life when I was growing up, so my husband and I are figuring things out as we go along – but by applying counsel from the Bible, we are finding much success.

I have gone longer than I have in nearly 10 years without engaging in self-destructive behavior. Dreams can come true – with hard work, you can turn your life into something brighter, something beautiful.

There are problems that are bigger than you. Issues of sexual, emotional abuse are bigger than you, your friends, and your family—these things are huge. It used to be that seeking outside help was not the way to go, but thanks to celebrities, grabbing some couch time is as common as drinking bottled water these days. Reach out and get the needed help.

One of the major benefits of getting that extra help is that you can begin to reassign some of guilt and shame that you are unnecessarily carrying. Often times, there're things that you have experienced or that were done to you, not done by you that you feel responsible for that aren't actually your fault that may be the precipitating causes of your feelings of worthlessness. Like with Laila. Honestly speaking, how much accountability could a child possibly have in her molestation? I can see the shift in her thinking. Of her downward spiral, she says "I'm pretty well done with all that, spiraling over some crap somebody did to me that wasn't my fault in any way, shape or form. I'm pretty well done hurting myself over the fact that I had the misfortune to be born into a family full of fail. "

It's only when one is fully able to shift his thinking that his behavior can change. Remember, when you know better, you do better because you finally realize you deserve better.

—Practice Makes Perfect—

Practice makes perfect, even if you are practicing the wrong thing. Good or bad habits don't just happen overnight. The destructive course that you may have found yourself took months, maybe years of practice. I'm sure you didn't consider it practice, but you had to work at trading your positive values for those that are harmful.

Take smoking, for example. I've yet to meet one smoker who admits to liking smoking the first time he tried it. The coughing, the burning sensation in his lungs, often coupled with headache and nausea—should have been deterrents against starting up such a dangerous habit. But daily, many start up this dangerous habit, and they work hard at it. From what I hear, learning to smoke, or drink beer for that matter, isn't easy. (Speaking of beer, I tried beer, and I spit it out. I've yet to see why anyone would crave something that tastes like what I imagine urine to taste like, on a hot summer day. When I asked an avid beer drinker, she told me it's an acquired taste. She told me if I wanted to be a beer drinker, I'd have to work hard at it, and eventually, I'd like it. Drinking beer isn't a habit I wanted to practice.)

I tell anybody who'll listen to me that one does not become trifling overnight. Being lazy and apathetic doesn't just happen, and it takes "practice." In turn, working your way off of addictive behaviors along with other destructive ways takes practice.

The Apostle Paul said that when he wanted to do right, what was wrong was present with him, and that's basically how it works. Once you've gotten comfortable doing what you ought not, when you want to do what's right, those bad habits and desires are with you.

So, you've got to practice. Practice doing what's right. Just like you had to practice cursing, drinking, smoking, or abusing drugs, you have to practice doing without those things. You must now practice being sober. Practice being on time. Practice doing one good thing after another. It doesn't come easy. You didn't get into this pattern over night, and you won't get out of it over night.

Remember, practice makes perfect—just be sure to practice the right thing.

—Recognize Whose Opinion Matters—

When attempting to measure self esteem, unfortunately, we often measure our self-worth by what others around us say to us or about us. Disparaging remarks, taunting and teasing about what we have or don't have, what we can or cannot do, affects how we see ourselves. Sometimes, it's not even what others say to or about us, it's what we think they may be saying or thinking about us that causes us to have a diminished self-view.

It's easy to give in to the thoughts and comments of others. Answer me this: how did their opinion get to count for so much? Since when did people you don't even consider to be your friend have the right to get up in your head and make you hate yourself? But more importantly—why does their opinion count?

Not only do we put way too much stock into the opinion of people we don't even like, we sometimes put even more stock in the opinion of people that we don't even know.

When you listen to others and allow them to influence how you view yourself, you are giving them power, and, I don't know about you, but I don't like giving power to people that I know don't even care about me. I'm talking about the people that aren't fazed with my presence one way or the other—they couldn't care less if I'm there or not. If they don't care about me, why in the world do I care what they think about me?

Criticism comes from everywhere, but constructive criticism comes from those that both know you well, and have taken stock in your personal happiness. These should be people that have taken time go get to know you, people with whom you feel comfortable sharing your failures and successes. These are the people who cry with you when you're sad, and rejoice with you when you are shedding tears of joy.

Outsiders haven't put in the work to be on the inside, inside your inner world, so why should they have the power to dictate how your world functions? Looking from the outside, we often assume that everybody is having more fun than us, thus, everyone else is happier than we are. We think they have something we want, something we need. You may find yourself envious of their relationship status, financial standing, or simply their ability to walk into a room and everyone take notice. You look up to people like this, and subconsciously would give anything to gain their approval.

Sadly, we listen to what they say, or don't say to or about us and we internalize those comments and shut out the voice of reason that comes from those we love.

People outside your social circle, people who don't really know you, people who might not even know you by your name—they don't count. Which means you can't sit at home on the sofa watching TV and let televisions shows, music videos and allow commercials to tell you what you should look like, dress like or be like.

When I was in the seventh or eighth grade, The Ricki Lake Show was one of my favorite talk shows. My friends and I would watch the show with the phone pressed to our ears, only talking during the commercials. My favorite segments were the ones where a guest would come on, years after high school to shock a bully from the past with a new look. The audience would "ooh" and "ahhh" over the sob story that the guest gives about how high school or elementary school was painful for them because they were constantly teased or made to feel inferior because of the callous actions of some bully.

Out comes the bully, and he's all excited because he's curious why he's been invited on national television, but he doesn't recognize the reformed guest. Not only does he not recognize the reformed guest, when the past is recounted to him, sometimes he doesn't even remember the guest. The guest sits there on the stage feeling invisible again.

She or he has internalized years of negative self-image thoughts and has craved the opinion and approval of someone that doesn't even remember her. She's spent years hating herself based on someone else's opinion, an opinion that she put stock into—an opinion from a person who didn't even know she existed.

So, before you get to feeling low because of something that someone said to you, ask yourself, just who are they, and how do they get the power to put you down?

—Age Does Not Signify Wisdom—Applied Knowledge Signifies Wisdom—

When I was little, I thought that if you were older than me, you were wiser than me. It seems silly now, but think about it-- just how many times did you hear power disputes between adult and child squashed with "I'm the adult and you're the child!" Although my parents never said that to me, the message was still clear: there was to be a distinction between the adult and child, and the adult, due to age and experience, was to be the voice of reason in the situation. That's the voice I was trained to listen to and follow. After all, it was he who held the wisdom.

Now that I'm grown, or at least two steps closer to it, I'm realizing that growing up like that causes me to put my voice on mute and tune into the louder voices of those adults around me. This is both dangerous and frustrating.

Countless experiences with coworkers, and just watching how several adults are living their lives, makes me more and more convinced that age doesn't signify wisdom. Just because someone is older than me, doesn't mean his voice automatically gets to carry a heavier vote than mine.

As you grow into your adulthood, it's easy to fall back into to the mode of allowing adults to make decisions for you.

Growing up, your parents helped make decisions for you. They guided your steps as you made decisions, and you went to them for validation.

When you're little, yeah, it's great to listen to someone bigger than you. We're taught from childhood that people that are older than us are often wiser than us, and we should seek them out for help. Well, that can sometimes backfire.

Some get caught in a cycle of fear. If they don't step out on their own faith and courage, and rely on the words and guidance of others, then they really don't have to accept responsibility for their failures. As long as they walked through the decision with someone older, and therefore, "wiser" if it backfires or fails to yield the desired success, he doesn't feel responsible.

For me, this is an area of growth. I'm an adult, and as an adult, I have to make decisions, and accept both my successes as well as my failures. That's really what being an adult is about. Making decisions and accepting responsibility.

I've spent hours talking to my older brother Tony about this. He's helped me realize, that in the end, I'll have to be the one to actually do whatever actions are needed to carry out the decisions I'm allowing others to make for me, so since I'm the one doing I should be the one to actually decide what I do!

I won't discount the advice and wisdom that I get from others, but I won't continue to downplay the value of my experiences and the wisdom that I've gained from them to rely on others.

—What Are You Putting Your Emphasis On? —

Yeah, there are shallow people out there that are judging you on your looks, but are you one of them? Have you begun to judge yourself by your physical appearance? Are you measuring yourself against society's yardstick of beauty? Have years and years of television and music videos made you find yourself to be too fat, skinny, dark, light—too whatever you think isn't beautiful?

You get frustrated when you feel that others are judging you based on your looks, so what makes it okay when you do it to yourself? If you want others to realize you are more than your looks, shouldn't you do the same?

I once heard a motivational speaker say that on your tombstone there are two dates—the date you are born, and the date of your death. But, he said, the most important thing on your tombstone is the dash between the two dates. He looked out at the audience and asked "What are you doing with your dash?"

If you died today, would you want to be known for your physical beauty or for the impact that you made on the lives of others? Physical beauty fades, but actions last forever. Cupcake Brown, in her memoir Piece of Cake said "If you want to have self-esteem, do esteemable acts." So what are you doing that will drum up your self-pride? Take the focus off of yourself, and focus on building up others. In turn, you will experience the joy that comes from giving, which is immeasurable, and something that can't be found in name brand clothing or some Cover Girl make up.

When you focus your time and energy on helping others, truly helping others, you really don't have to sit around and bemoan what you have and don't have. In the process of helping others, you will be able to identify personal attributes that are worth feeling good about that are already inside of you. You will also get more compliments. Granted, you are not helping others to eke out compliments, but with genuine giving, comes genuine gratitude from the recipients. You'll be surprised at how they show their gratitude to you, but what will surprise you even more is that warm feeling you feel inside when you give.

—A Few Tips—

I feel like I'm talking out of both sides of my neck. Yes, your esteem needs to be comprised more of your personal integrity and attributes than your physical nature, but your physical appearance is still important.

The more you value your inside; it'll show up on the outside. Your body is precious, and you owe it to yourself to take care of it. I'm all for being comfortable with your weight and size, but some have come to be complacent with being in an unhealthy state. You don't have to hate the way your body is in order to want to change. Remember, "when you know better, you do better, because you know you deserve better." And I know better than to think that being unhealthy is something that I should be complacent with.

I've learned to dress for me. I'm not dressing and maintaining my hair to impress others but rather, to please myself. A little bit of water and a hair brush can go a long way on a bad hair day. Black has always been my friend, not because it's slimming, but because it matches everything. For a while all of my clothes were either black or white. Getting dressed was a breeze; all I needed was a top and a bottom. If financial constraints have you bound, make sure you have the basics covered. Don't waste your money on faddish clothes with visible name brands. They will be out of style before you can get them off layaway. Guys, learn to do a simple edge up, and ladies learn how to do a wash and set. Not having money should never be your excuse for not looking like you cared about yourself this morning. Invest time in yourself and your appearance. If you hate ironing, buy clothing that doesn't wrinkle easily and commit to hanging up your clothes. Not ironing a wrinkled item of clothing is not okay. You are worth the extra three minutes it takes to not look like you slept in your clothes. My daddy helped me to see it's never okay for me to come out of my house looking like "who shot John and didn't kill him." Personal maintenance is important. I know better, therefore, I do better, because I know I deserve better.

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Okay, self-esteem...Too much, and you're cocky, too little, and you're a door mat and folks'll walk all over you. Your childhood most likely made you the way you are, however, you can't use what happened or didn't happen in your childhood as an excuse for what you are currently. After all, it is what it is, but it doesn't have to be that way. Self-destructive paths are easy to fall on, and hard to climb up out of, but as shown, it's possible. The biggest thing is you've got to get to the point where you realize that you're worth saving and working hard for. Remember, once you know better, you do better because you know you DESERVE better. Remove anyone from your path that treats you any less than you deserve.

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Take Care Of You—If You Don't, Who Will?

Okay "givers", this section is for you! The biggest problem that "givers" face is that they give and give and give until they give out. So, I've added this section in here to help the givers do what they enjoy the most—giving!

People are always saying "Take care," "Be careful," or "Watch out," and that's exactly what you need to do. Take care of yourself. Be careful not to allow the actions of others to impede your well-being. Watch out for any and everything that can rob you of your happiness.

I'm a firm believer that God never puts more on you than you can bear, but I've found out, it's not what God puts on me, it's what I put on myself that causes me the most trouble. In reality, I have no idea what I can bear. And since I don't quite know what I can bear, I often attempt to shoulder potentially hazardous amounts of responsibility, and each time, I'm taking days off of my life. Before I know it, my body and spirit have been broken down by the choices I've made in an attempt to bolster up others.

Am I saying don't help others? No, of course not, but what I am saying, is that if helping others is hurting you, it's not worth it. We've all seen others bring about their own demise trying to shoulder the responsibilities of others, be it emotionally, financially, physically, or otherwise. Enough's enough. Ask MC Hammer. He came up, climbed out of Oakland, and attempted to carry an entire neighborhood with him. Recently, he was asked if he would do it all again if given the chance, knowing what he knows now, and to my amazement, while flashing a smile of sincerity, he said "Yes."

Ummm... apparently he hasn't learned what I've come to learn, that he could actually help more people if he'd helped less people. Think about it, when climbing a hill, it's easier to climb it helping one or two people, teaching those two how to help two or more people, than it is to attempt to climb the hill carrying eight people.

I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start at the beginning.

—There's Only One Lord And Savior—And I'm Not Him—

I'm not trying to be "flippant" as my dad would say, but come on folks, we've got to stop acting like it's our job to save the world. Only one man was put on this Earth to do that, and even he wasn't able to help everybody. And with that being the case, there is a definite limit to what you as one individual can actually do.

If you're anything like me, your heart goes out to just about everybody. I have no idea how I got to be this way, but for some odd reason, I feel like I was born to help. And what's worse, I find myself trying to help/save/fix folks and problems that haven't even asked for help. When I see someone with a visible chink in his armor, my innate desire is to see what's in me that can help strengthen and fortify that person. So, before I know it, I'm giving advice, offering solutions, or volunteering to take on yet another problem.

This just in: YOU CANNOT FIX/SAVE/HELP EVERYBODY. IT'S NOT YOUR JOB!

There's no way you can be the wings for everybody. Take birds, for example. Each bird has two wings, and how it takes care of its two wings determines just how high and far it's able to fly. You can learn so much from nature. When is the last time you saw a bird flying with another bird on its back? Never! You've never seen it. Ain't no need of you trying to think of some extreme situation of some rare breed of birds that you think you might have seen on Animal Planet—it doesn't really work that way. Each bird has to fly for himself. If he's tired, or he's injured, he doesn't get to go south for the winter. When it's time to move on, if he's not willing or able to fly—that basically ends his life. Failure to do, or an inability to perform in the animal world means death. After all, in nature, it's "survival of the fittest." I've come to realize that some of these people that we've gotten used to carrying really aren't fit to survive. Hey, can't be the wings for everybody, and if they can't fly...

This brings me to my next point:

—Let that Burden Go—It's Not Yours To Carry—

You just can't carry everything. You can't try and run the house, be superwoman at work, volunteer at the kid's school and still think you are going to usher at church on Sunday.

What burden are you carrying that's not yours? I know there's got to be something. Some of you out there right now are trying to keep a family member from going under. That's commendable, but really, is that your burden to carry? Are you really helping or are you enabling a wingless bird to continue to survive? I'm not saying you can't help, but there's a difference between helping and doing. Me? I'm a doer. I call myself a helper, but in actuality, I think I do more harm than good.

Here's an example of something that happened just this week at work. So, word got out that Ms. Frazier's pretty good at writing letters, and wording things. Often, random teachers and sometimes even administrators will come to me and ask me to help them draft a letter, contribute to the formulation of a grant, type a paper—really, any and everything that deals with writing. Between me and you, I just love it. I love writing. I love helping. My two favorite things in one task --seems like a win-win situation, right? Well, anyway, a teacher comes to me today, and she's got a letter she wants to draft to the principal. She explains to me the situation, and I give her some advice on what she should say in the letter. She's still standing there. She then says, "You're good at this. Why don't you just type of the letter, and I'll come back around to pick it up. You don't have to do it right now." The bell had just rung, and I anxiously wanted to start my next class. Nodding her head in an attempt to will me to do her bidding, she says again, "I'll come back around later to pick it up."

I'm laughing to myself as I type this, because I'm so proud of me. This time last year, she would've gotten me. I would have said, "Oh okay," taken the papers, and added that letter to my list of many things I had to do before the day's end. She would have gone on with her day, feeling a little bit lighter, after all, she would have had one less thing to do.

But nope, she didn't get me this time. This was her letter, and it's her responsibility to draft her own letter. I thanked her for the compliment, repeated my advice as to what should go in the letter, and while handing back her email papers, I assured her that I was sure she'd do a great job with her email.

If you are not careful, you'll find yourself bogged down daily with a list from here to June, and you'll be like I was a year ago—frantic and frazzled and burned out trying to get it all done. You'll keep on adding to your list, and folks will let you do it.

Over time, I've worn myself thin because I'm a "doer." When it's time for me to help someone, if it's something that I can do fairly easily, I'll find myself taking on the entire task. I'm no longer helping, I'm doing. Need help with a letter? Sure, I'll draft the letter. Can't figure out what's the best way to deal with that student? Send him over, I'll talk to him. You look like you might be late to work? No problem, I'll give you a lift.

When folks had a problem, and I knew how to solve it, I found myself offering to do what was needed to solve/fix the problem before folks were even asking. I'd just swoop in, "No, I don't mind. It's okay, I can do it." It's not that I just love doing the work of others, but if I knew I could do it better and quicker, I'd just volunteer to do the whole thing instead of having them coming back and forth asking me questions, or making them struggle with something that I knew I could knock out in a few minutes.

But really, I wasn't helping them. I was enabling a flightless bird to get by another day without learning how to fly. I was adding more on my plate than was necessary—I was carrying a burden that wasn't mine to carry.

—There Comes A Time To Say No---A Time To Let Go—

In case no one ever told you—it's okay to say no. Guess what else? You don't even have to feel guilty about it. Yup, it's okay to say no, and it's okay to let yourself not feel bad about it.

Things have been shaping up for me since I've learned to say "no." I've come to realize I just can't do everything, I'm not going to be able to help everybody and I'm perfectly okay with that.

I found myself doing so much out of guilt. I seemed to have some incessant need for people to think I was nice, and I wanted them to like me. Why? I'm sure if I really wanted to sit back and think on it, I'd probably be able to trace it back to my childhood, but I don't really care to find out why-- it was what it was. And because of that need, it prevented me from saying no. So, I just kept adding more and more on my plate, things kept piling up, and there I was trying to shoulder it all.

But, in reality, always being there ready to say a "yes" to everyone's request doesn't make them like you more. Instead of guaranteeing that they'll like you, you are making it so that they will constantly use you.

People that I had a problem saying no to, never seemed to have a problem saying no to me. It's the weirdest thing. Ever try going to someone that you're constantly helping and ask them for a favor? They'll hem and haw, but in the end, the result is still the same, "no can do." They don't seem to have a problem saying no to you (although they should). so why do you have a problem saying no to them?

Try it out. Two little letters, one simple sound. Dave Ramsey, a financial analyst and counselor is constantly teaching individuals steeped in heavy debt learn how to say no to themselves. "Put the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth, and let it drop." Give it a go! "Nnnooo" It's okay, say no, I dare you!

Oh, at first they'll be shocked and surprised, they may even pitch a fit, but you know what they'll do next? They will immediately go seek out another person they can use that will say yes, or they may just sit down, roll up their sleeves, and figure it out themselves. The world didn't stop. Life is not over. They didn't die, and more importantly, neither did you!

But, before you go all gung-ho with your newly acquired vocabulary, there is a skill and an art to saying no.

In fact, it's very seldom that I say the actual word "no," unless I'm talking to my students. With them, I seem to have no problem saying no. Anyway, you've got to learn the art of turning people down.

• _Fix your body language_. You want to tell someone you can't do it, while shaking your head from side to side say "Uh, yeah, I can see that this is really a doozy, I wish I could help, but right now I just can't." And as you say that be moving on with whatever you were doing before they came attempting to add more to your plate.

• _Don't be so accessible_. At your job, don't leave your door wide open. A door left wide open says "Come on In, I'm open to visitors." You're really not that free. People will come by, not only interrupt you and impede you from making progress, chances are they'll stop by and add more things to your already never ending list of things to do. If you don't work in a office, let's think about another "door" you leave open:

_Cell Phones:_ Technology is a beautiful thing, but it's made us way too accessible. It's okay to turn your phone off. My cell phone doesn't get good reception in my classroom, and it used to upset me, but I actually get more done during the day without my cell phone distracting me. You'll be surprised some of the questions people would call me and ask me. Anything from "where is the < \-- insert missing item ?" People call me to spell things (Ha! You know I can't spell, right?) Anyway, I think the point is clear. With my phone not receiving calls, I've been able to train people to get by 8 more hours without me.

Sometimes when I'm really trying to get something done, I put my phone on silent. Please don't make the mistake my students make—vibrate is NOT silent. When your phone is set to vibrate, you still hear it, and even if you don't check it right then, it's nagging at you in the back of your mind until you do. So, with my phone on silent, I check it when I check it. It's up to me.

Cell phones have voice mail and text messaging services for a reason.

_Voicemail:_ Train your callers to leave the nature of their call in the voicemail message. If they just call and say, "Hey, it's me, give me a call back," play dumb. When they get in a tizzy and ask why you didn't call them back you can say, "You didn't say what you wanted, so I figured you were calling just to talk. I couldn't talk then, so I didn't call right back. I figured that if you really needed something, you'd have left a more detailed message." He or she will be floored, but you've made your point: If you want something, come on out with it. Next time, a better message will be left, and with that detailed message, you'll have all the information you'll need to make an informed decision. So, when you call them back to say no, you'll already have it planned out. It's easier to say no when you're prepared to do so.

_Text Messages:_ If you call my phone, and get my voice mail, you'll hear a message that asks you to text me if you want a prompt reply. Benefit: With a text message, folks get straight to the point. There it is, in black and white, and at that instant you have to make a decision. Is this something I can and want to help with? It's easier to turn people down via text messages. The amount of emotion that you'd have in a face-to-face encounter, or phone conversation is greatly reduced in a text message. Text your "no" and keep it moving. They won't like it, they'll reply, and you have the choice of choosing to respond or not. (To cut down on it going back and forth, add to the end "I hope everything works out for you, " I love the smiley face emoticon, it shows that your "no" is coming from a happy place. ;-)

Stop asking so many questions! I learned this one from my mama—if you know you can't do anything about it, stop asking so many questions.

So, you get a phone call from a "needy" friend. She's going on and on about how nothing's going right for her, and to top it off, she's got to get to work and you know her car's broken. If you have no intention of taking her to work, don't ask "So what are you going to do about going to work?"

Asking for more details implies that you are going to do something to fix the problem. It's not that you don't care, it's just that your caring isn't to the level that you can or will do something about it.

Here's a "no" that's guaranteed to work: "I'm not going to be able to give this project the attention it deserves, so I'll just step aside now. I can't wait to see how it turns out!" Say it with a smile, and keep it moving. Who can get mad at that?

Here's a question you can ask when you're asked to pitch in and do something: "Who else have you asked?" You'll be surprised that often people don't even ask other folks. They come straight to you because they know they are going to get a "yes" and they know it'll be done correctly the first time. So train people to maximize their resources. Yes, it's flattering that you are the first person that they think of, but c'mon! Often times there are other people who are actually more responsible for working the situation out than you are. Family members and friends, especially people at your job, will allow you to carry a weight that's not yours.

However you say it, find a way that works for you, and free yourself from carrying the weight of others.

—If You're Going To Help—Help! Don't Enable! —

I'm not promoting not helping, but sometimes our "save the day" maneuvers really aren't helping as much as you think they are. They say, "give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish, and you'll feed him for a lifetime." So, just what lesson are you teaching while you are helping? Are you teaching them how to solve this problem next time on their own, or are you just solving it, and keeping it so that they will have to come back to you again and again?

Although sometimes giving money seems like the quickest solution to the situation, often you are just paying for the delay of what's inevitable. Very seldom can problems be solved with money. Money helped that particular situation, but the problem—the root of the problem could very well be that those that are financially destitute will continue to make bad decisions that will keep them in that situation no matter how much money you give them.

I firmly believe that people do what they want to do. Although no one may come out and say "I want to be broke," or "I want to depend on my family to feed my kids," but people really do what they want to do, and when you get fed up enough, truly fed up, you'll fight yourself to get out that situation.

Givers, our need to give is both a blessing and a curse. We want to help -- we need to help. It's the role that we play.

—Listen To Your Body—

Your body knows and will show how you are feeling. If your body is like mine, and I'm sure it is, it talks to you. Sometimes I feel that my body betrays me. It cannot, and does not handle stress well at all. In my mind, I don't think I'm stressed out, but my body says otherwise. My body forces me to think otherwise. When my stress goes up, so do my health problems. I'll get headaches out of the blue, or my stomach will keep hurting, or lady problems—don't get me started on the lady problems!

It's easy to get caught up doing and going and working and stressing---each day you wake up, there's more to do than the day before. Each day you lay down, you're weighed down with the pressures of the day. You know you should rest, but there's no time. MAKE the time, or your body will betray you like mine does. When I don't rest, my body will force me to rest by creating some sort of ailment that forces me to just sit down and rest.

Your body is very much like your car. If you're good to it, it'll be good to you. What's the purpose of the check engine light on your car? It's designed to let you know that there is a problem. That's what your body does, it sends you signals to let you know there's a problem. Pain—it's a signal that there's a problem. Taking pain pills to dope yourself up just enough to get by is about as smart as taping a piece of paper over your "check engine" light on your dashboard. Pain pills don't make the problem go away, they just dull the signal a bit.

Your body, like your car, needs maintenance. I've always tried to remember that "cheapness is expensive." You can cut corners all you want to, but you need to remember either you will pay now, with regular maintenance (proper sleep, eating habits and rest), or you will pay later with some huge repair bill, or worse, your car—your body, may put you down.

Just imagine if the first car you got when you turned sixteen was the car you had to keep for LIFE! Man, you'd take care of that car for sure. Well, unlike cars, you only get one body. Love it, and take care of it. Listen to it, it'll tell you what to do!

—Health Tips: If You Don't Take Care Of You—You're No Good To Others—

We all know what to do, we just don't do it. So, I'm not going to go into much detail, but just in case you've been under a rock, here are some things you need to be mindful of.

Get adequate rest:

Why in the world are you staying up so late? Take your behind to bed! Your body needs rest. There is only so much you can and should do in a day.

_Prepare for the next day_ : The worst sleep you can get is when you know you've got a litany of things to do the next day, and you know you aren't prepared. I sometimes wake up from my sleep thinking of one more thing I need to do. The more you can prepare for the next day, even if it's just taking a shower the night before and having an idea of what you want to wear the next day, the better rest you'll get.

_Turn your cell phone off:_ There is no need for people to really have 24-hour access to your life. I used to sleep with my cell phone underneath my pillow. My dad said, "Jan, you're way too accessible; there is no need for folks to be able to get in contact with you 24-hours-a-day." I now have my little "Crackberry" programmed to power off and on at a certain time. Seriously, when was the last time you were awakened from your sleep with a true emergency? Usually, it's a phone call with a caller asking you the most stupid question ever "You up?" Hunh? Seriously? At that point, you are already awake. And what did they want? Your sleep was interrupted by something that really could have waited. Usually, your closest loved ones are either in the house with you, or they know how to get in contact with you.

Keep a Memo Pad by the bed: When your mind is racing, and it seems that you are already "behind" for tomorrow, and it hasn't even come yet, roll over, write down that one thing you just don't want to forget to do tomorrow, and go to sleep! In your mind, you've technically "handled" the situation. In the morning, work your list and keep it moving.

Eat Properly:

They say, "you are what you eat." Just like I don't put inferior gas into my car, I don't put inferior gas in my car—it takes 93 Octane or better for best performance, so that's what I put in my car—I know what to put in my body for its best performance. If you eat junk, you will lessen the quality of your body's performance-- it's just that simple.

My body, like my car, runs best when I don't let it get too empty. When I don't eat I get the worst headache you can imagine. To keep from getting too hungry, I keep snacks in my hand bag, in my car, my classroom-- just about everywhere. I can't tell you how many times a pack of peanut butter crackers saved my day. (If you know me, it probably has saved your day too, because I'm less than pleasant when I'm hungry.)

I'm no health nut, I don't do extremes—I haven't cut meat out of my diet, I still eat fried foods, and I haven't given up fast food, because in a pinch, it will get you through. However, generally, I try to do things in moderation, and make informed decisions. If I know I'm not working out (I go through phases) then I know I can't eat foods high in calories. It's all about making informed decisions. If I eat cake with my meal, then I know better than to eat ice cream and other sweets that same day. Exercise self control. You can't not change your oil and use the wrong gas!

I'm not going to go too far with information on eating properly. You know what to do, and how to do it, you've just got to make yourself do it.

Exercise:

Exercising is about like eating right. We know what to do, we have just got to do it. I'm a fan of fun exercise. Find something that you actually like doing, and then do it. I love to dance. I mean, I really love to dance. Who's my dance partner? My mother. In the mornings when I'd be getting dressed for school I'd play music and she'd come down and dance. Now that's how you get your morning started!

It doesn't matter which exercise method you use—Pilates, kettle bells, Tae Bo, running, walking, Hip Hop Abs—just find something you like and do it. Be active. You've only got the one body. Take care of it.

Make Appointments with Yourself: I love teaching. But to say it's exhausting is an understatement. Any given moment of the day, I'm making what feels like 30 decisions a minute. "Ms. Frazier, Can I go to the bathroom?" "Miss Frazier, remember you said you were going to give me my make up work?" "Miss Frazier, I need 35 cents." "Miss Frazier, I left my book in my locker, can I run and go get it?" "Miss Frazier! The bathroom, I really need to go, can I?" "Miss Frazier..." In addition to making such monumental decisions as if this child that's bigger than me can be allowed to go to the bathroom or not, I've got to teach and make it interesting. As soon as I step out of my car when I get in the parking lot, it's "on." Just on the way into the building, I speak to at least 50 kids and 15 staff members in the space of two minutes. As a teacher, your every move is being watched. What I do, what I wear, what I say, what I don't say, who I call on, who I let go to the bathroom... it's all under review. Even when I'm not teaching, and I'm in my class room on my planning period, students are still coming by asking questions, parents are calling—you don't have a moment to yourself. It's like being on stage for at least 8 straight hours with no break, no commercials, no stunt man. There's no one to yell "cut!"

I'm not sure what your job is like, but I'm sure your days are as hectic and fast-paced as mine are. That can take a toll on both your body and sanity. But I've got a solution for that—make appointments with yourself.

Just like you schedule anything else, make sure you schedule time with yourself. I make appointments with myself all the time. It could be something as simple as planning to watch one of my favorite TV shows, I go to the bookstore, I even take myself out to eat. I spend time with me. I make sure that I do something for me that will help me rejuvenate myself. When you're tired, or you feel like you need a break, and somebody asks you to do something you don't want to do—tell them "I wish I could, but I've already got an appointment that I just can't break Maybe next time." And let that be it. You don't have to tell them what you are doing, or who you are doing it with.

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So, get this in your head—there's only one of you, and you've got to do what's best for you. You can't help everybody, and everybody doesn't want or deserve your help. It's okay for you to say no, and they will get over it. You can help, but don't enable "users." If you fail to take care of yourself, you can't really help people like you want to anyway. The best present you can give others is a better you.

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Disappointment: It Didn't Go Your Way—So Now What?

My students have taught me a lot, and I've come to realize that the biggest problem with teenagers-- and adults, for that matter-- is that they are facing more disappointment than they know how to handle or are able to express. And because of what they've experienced, they are full of pent-up anger and frustration.

It seems that, as children they have suffered greatly at the hands of the adults in their lives. At a very young age, they've become very bitter, and seriously doubt that things will go well for them in life. Some of the people to whom they were entrusted, such as their parents, older siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and even a few teachers, have crushed their spirits over and over, and they've learned to stop getting their hopes up. The level of cynicism that they exude blows me away. They walk around like little time bombs waiting to explode at the least bit of provocation. At that point, any and everything stands to be the proverbial straw that breaks the camel's back. Facing and dealing with disappointment is enough to drive a sane man crazy.

Look in just about any dictionary, you'll see a definition for disappointment that resembles this:

1. feeling of being let down: a feeling of sadness or frustration because something was not as good, attractive, or satisfactory as expected, or because something hoped for did not happen

2. something disappointing: something or somebody that disappoints somebody, or an occasion when somebody is disappointed

3. frustration: the failure to attain hopes or wishes

Disappointments—life is made of them, and sadly some feel that their life is one. Look back at the definitions of disappointment. A disappointment basically occurs when something you wished for, hoped for, or expected doesn't go the way you thought it should --when it goes worse than you wished or hoped. No one complains when things surpass his expectations; it's only when things fall short of our expectations that we fall apart.

So, when discussing disappointments, the first thing we have to discuss is your expectations. After all, disappointments are connected to expectations. Are your expectations rational? Are they too low? Are they too high? Expectations that are too low or too high can both lead to disappointment. They say that people live up or down to whatever your expectations are. If they know you expect less from them, they can and will most likely give you less. A high expectation that is beyond their grasp, is basically the same as one that's too low-- it leads them to failure. So, in order to minimize your level of disappointment, it's key that your expectation is practical and in harmony with what could actually become a reality. Ask yourself: is what you're asking actually in that person's capability? Can they do what you're expecting?

Also keep in mind that you are dealing what a human. Good 'ol man, and the nature of the beast is that he is imperfect. It's in our make-up. We will screw up. It's what we do. Despite our best intentions, we are going to say or do the wrong thing. There are times when we should act, but we fail to act. There are times when we should actually "fall back," as my students say, but in our imperfect state, we eagerly take action and exacerbate the situation. We are going to mess up. Our friends, family—even that cashier at our local neighborhood Wal-Mart—they will all mess up. Others are going to disappoint us; hey, we're even going to disappoint ourselves. If you are going to disappoint yourself, you know for sure that you are bound to disappoint others.

Disappointment can be something as simple as realizing that you've failed to set your alarm clock, or it could be as traumatic as finding out that there's no Santa Clause. Or it could be as big as finding out that the woman you've been calling "Mama" all these years is really your aunt, and that your "cool aunt" is your birth mom.

But, Erika, a former coworker of mine, had this to say about disappointment, "Grief is disappointment over unmet expectations." That's a concept I hadn't thought about before. I've never connected grief to disappointment. She later expounded.

"When my grandfather died, I grieved for him, but my thoughts were more disappointment about the things that he would not get to see/do with me. Now, my grandmother is dying and I am already grieving that she will not see me graduate/get married/have kids, etc. I have a friend who had to have a hysterectomy and went through a serious grieving process - disappointment that she would not have a family."

When first asked about disappointment, she responded in one word—"dating." She asked if she needed to be more specific, and I just laughed. I shook my head no, because I know exactly about the disappointment of dating.

In fact, I've purposely not dedicated a section of this book toward dating. A close friend of mine asked me why, and I had to admit that I'd feel as if I was talking out of place, since my dating track record leaves something more to be desired.

Talk about disappointment! Yes, I both wished for and hoped for, and even expected to be married at this point in my life. So, let me clue you into the life lesson that I learned. Just because you want something, doesn't mean that it'll come to you. You can work hard and prepare yourself for something, and it still doesn't mean it'll come to you. It can be happening to people all around you, people you feel may not even deserve what you're hoping for, and it still might not happen to you.

I've grieved this disappointment over unmet expectations. I've reached an understanding with my reality. As with other things that I wanted that were beyond my realm of control, I've adopted the motto "It is what it is." Yup, I'm single—but I don't have to stay that way!

—Assess The Damage—

Whatever it is that you'd hoped or wished for, felt that you deserved or expected to receive or have happen to you didn't, and basically, you didn't get your way. So now what?

As with any major catastrophe or natural disaster, once the smoke clears, the first thing people do is make an attempt to assess the damage. You can picture it, can't you? I imagine after Hurricane Katrina, once an evacuee was able to return to his home, he just stood there for a long time trying to take it in. I can't imagine trying to come to grips with a disaster of that magnitude. To say such a sight would be overwhelming is an understatement. I can picture a homeowner standing amidst the wreckage in what used to be the living room, kitchen, or bedroom of his home asking himself just what has happened. Instantly, he's flooded with a wave of emotions. Memories of what used to be, and hopes of what could have been, come washing over him. What's salvageable, and what's not? Dazed, he begins the job of poring through the wreckage, picking up and dropping what used to be prized possessions, things that he'd once held dear to him, and dropping them back in the heap of debris that's now his life.

Once you've been disappointed, you've basically got to do the same thing that the evacuees did when they returned home. You must assess the damage. Standing in what's left of your friendship, marriage, relationship, or your life, really, you've got to first assess the damage. What's been broken beyond repair? What's repairable? Is any of the debris that's become your reality recognizable? What can you salvage? Can anything be salvaged?

When dealing with relationships with others, only you alone can determine what can be salvaged, if anything. Though your initial knee-jerk reaction may be to turn and flee, stop and take a look at your relationship. There you stand, overwhelmed and dazed. "Did this just happen?" you ask yourself. "Did he?" "Did she?" If you're anything like me, you find yourself shocked, appalled, and dismayed even.

Some evacuees never returned. They assumed the damage was too great. Some returned, assessed the damage, and \-- understandably -- opted to just walk away from what had been their home and life, in an attempt to start anew. Then there were those that assessed the damage, compared it with the potential they knew their homes had, and chose to get in, roll up their sleeves and rebuild their homes stronger than ever before.

So, after you've reasonably gotten over the feelings of shock and surprise, take a moment to take it all in. What has happened? And what damage has been caused? As you sit and reflect on the memories of what you had (and make sure it's an honest reflection), assess what's the actual damage. No relationship is perfect, but did it have more ups than downs? Was it at one time in the recent past a good fit for you? Or had you outgrown it like many residents of New Orleans had outgrown the city that they called home? Is this a relationship that you'd grown content with, but now that it's been disturbed, you see this as an opportunity to venture out and take root someplace else? Even though Hurricane Katrina both disrupted and took lives, she saved some too! There were many residents of New Orleans who'd never been outside of their city, but when the waters came, out of self-preservation, they fled on to higher ground, and are better for it. Try your best to consider the pros and cons of making an attempt to rebuild your relationship. Is this relationship one worth fortifying and reestablishing, or are you better off moving to higher ground?

—Your World Isn't Over—

"Your world isn't over, it just feels that way. If fact, you're not even dying, you just wish you were." I tell my students that all the time. After making them inhale and exhale, and resume steady breathing, I try my best to convince them that, although this is big, and it seems like everything is closing in around them, all is not lost. Unfortunately, for many of them, I know that this is just one of many disappointments they'll face.

Each disappointment that you face, whether it be the betrayal of a friend, or realizing that a situation you thought you had under control has slipped out of your grasp, often seem overwhelming right in the moment. In that moment, you feel as if you don't know how you're going to make it through the next minute, but the minutes turn to hours, and the hours turn to days, and the days to weeks, and before you know it, you've made it though yet another situation. Honestly, can you say this is your first disappointment you've faced? Surely, this may be the first one you've faced of this magnitude, but that doesn't negate your ability to make it through. Add up all of the lessons you learned from the passage of past disappointments and use them as the much needed fuel to make it through this disappointment.

—Express It—

If you are disappointed, say so. It's just that simple. If somebody does something you don't like, or they do something to hurt you, tell 'em! There is nothing wrong with expressing disappointment. However, expressing it the right way is the tricky part. I've got all these theories on why folks "cut up." Old and young, big and small, they cut up. We've all seen a kid act up and embarrass the mess out of its mother. Picture it -- I know you can-- you're in a store, a child sees something he wants, but Mom doesn't want to buy said product. The kid pauses—he's weighing his options. Then he decides, 'Shoot, I'm going for it.' And right then and there, he pitches a hissy fit. The personality of the kid determines how big a fit, but it's a fit nonetheless. The waterworks start up, and he, through tears, cries out, "But I want it!" as his little chubby finger points at the object of his desire. Then he starts stomping his little feet and he does the "But I really want it" holy dance. (It always looks like a rain dance to me.) The aisle gets quiet. Shoppers slow up pushing their carts; after all, who can look away from this free show? The mother is frozen. She looks around to see if anybody's watching. She gives onlookers the "I don't know why he's doing this—he's never done it before," look. It's a lie. He's done it before, I just know he has. It then becomes a game of will power. Depending on her will power, or his, it is he who can outlast the other that will win.

When we get older, the tantrums don't stop, they just change in how they are manifest. Instead of crying and stomping, folks curse, punch walls, or intentionally break things. Daily, I see kids at my school just acting up. They do all kinds of foolishness that they know is wrong like cutting class, popping off at the mouth, aka "verbal vomit," fighting, arguing, —any and everything they can do that will get them some attention.

Please, don't think cutting up is something that's just reserved for the young folks-- old folks cut up too! It's 2009, and as a black woman, I'm still trying to escape this whole "angry black woman" stereotype that has been placed on us. It's like, a black woman can't get upset without someone stepping back slowly as if she's a bomb that's about to explode. I must admit, I think it's kind of funny to watch folks get the "Oh no, here it comes!" expression when a black woman asks to speak to the manager. I slide over, to avoid being associated with her (unless I am her) and wait for the show to start. Usually her bark is bigger than her bite—I know mine is, but it's still going to be a show nonetheless. Guys are not exempt either—in a fit of rage, they've been known to flip over a desk or two, punch a wall, or just hop in their car and drive.

Frustration and disappointment are things that, if not released and expressed, will consume you. You can bottle them in, but don't kid yourself by thinking that the feelings are over. They're over for now, but sooner or later (and with me lately, it's been sooner rather than later), they're coming out on their own. So, take it from me, you can consciously express your disappointment and frustration, or you can suppress them, but either way, they are coming out.

Let's take a look at the consequences of not expressing your disappointment. I think you and I both have been on the receiving end of a tongue lashing, cold shoulder, or emotional blow up that has nothing to do with you.

Once again, I've got to go back to my students as my reference point. Being a teenager is hard. Shoot, dealing with a teenager is hard. Then take that complication and multiply it times 30, and then do that three times a day. That's what I deal with on the daily. I'm not complaining, please don't get me wrong, I love my students, and I love what I do, but the amount of anger, frustration, disappointment and anxiety that sits in my classroom daily is overwhelming. So, yes, I basically have a lot of little time bombs sitting in my room. A simple request to sit up, participate, or put away a cell phone can turn into a raging unleashing of emotions. In an attempt to regain control, and show all who's the true boss, both teacher and student then go back and forth in a tit-for-tat situation.

Not I, because I've come to realize that these emotional verbal eruptions are really not about me, even though directed at me. This is just another case of a child (don't let those adult bodies fool you into thinking they are anything other than children) pitching a fit, throwing a tantrum, and expressing disappointment and frustration. It's not really about the phone, or about sitting up, nor is it about whether or not he likes me. It's about something else that's going on in his life that he is frustrated with and over. It's that feeling that "nothing's going right." It's about how my comment points out one more place in his life that's going wrong.

I watch them come in at the top of the day, already wound up, amped from an argument they had with a parent on the way to school. Daily, they come in with adult-sized problems resting on their shoulders, and they are all steeped in disappointment—things aren't going right in their lives and there is not a sentence they can construct to express how lost, hurt, trapped, and confused they feel. So, like all humans, when there's something we can't tackle, we focus our attention what's the most obvious. And right then and there, in that point in the stream of time, I, or you, am getting on his nerves, and this is something he can express, so out comes the verbal vomit!

So, he or she(sad to say, it's usually she as teenage girls are usually way more aggressive toward female authority figures than teenage boys are) attempts to take control of what's in his or her mind the one situation he or she can control. Instead of dealing with what's really going on, he or she tackles what's in the present, the here and now. And here and now? This child is disappointed, and he or she sis going to express it!

—Don't Let Others Downplay the Impact Of Your Disappointment—

Knowingly, or unknowingly, we can be extremely unsympathetic to others. When we see others facing what they feel to be the biggest problem of their lives, we tend to minimize it if we feel that we've experienced a bigger disappointment. "You think this is bad? Just wait until you..."<\---- insert disappointment that you faced that trumps their disappointment. People, please don't do that.

That's just the same as your mom or dad telling you that what you called love at the age of 13 or 14 wasn't really love. According to what their experiences have taught them that love is, then, sure, what you experienced at 13 or 14 pales in comparison to the extent of love that they have been able to experience as adults, but for you, at that age, and at that level of experience, you were in love.

Your life's experiences are what help set the definitions of the dictionary that becomes your life. Your definition of love, happiness, fear, disappointment-- anything really -- is determined by what you've experienced. So, to the extent that you've experienced, yes, this really can be the biggest disappointment that you've faced to date, and it's totally understandable that you are labeling this as an earth-shattering, time-stopping, world-ending disappointment, and yes, you have the right to wig out-- after all, it's the biggest thing you've experienced so far!

—Recognize The Extent Of Your Power—

In the first section, I touched briefly on the power of the individual. If you remember, I told you that "we have limited amounts of power in this world. In any given situation, there is a limit to what you as an individual can do. Your power is always going to be limited —except when dealing with yourself. When you are dealing with you, your power is limitless." (Can you quote yourself? I have no idea, but I think I just did. )

You can control you, and only you. No matter how hard you try, you cannot make anyone do anything that he really doesn't want to do. Your thinking controls your actions. Your best bet to alter someone's actions is to shift his thinking. But even in shifting someone's thinking, it's got to be something he's open to letting happen. Don't believe me? Try reasoning with someone that's unreasonable. We become unreasonable when we are firmly convinced that our opinions are correct and we feel that there is no need to consider anything else.

You only have power over you, but that's really all you need to have power over-- having power over you is enough. In fact, it's more than enough. So what does the phrase "You have power over you" mean? It means that after anything happens, you have the power to decide what happens next.

Not only do you get to decide what happens next, you get to decide how you're going to come up out of this situation, and when! You get to decide if it's something you're going to wallow in, and let it fester; you get to decide if it's going to be a comma or a period in your life.

September 11th happened. I remember it like it was yesterday. What happened here was bad, but not as bad as some of the terroristic things that have transpired in war-torn nations around the world. The entire world watched us react to tragedy. We'd seen tragedy before. But this one was different. This was our tragedy, and it happened on our land. It was the day that our nation felt so powerless. The next day, my art professor, Nell Ruby (I love her dearly), after letting us debrief as a collective body, commissioned each one of us make some sense of what we were feeling. First we were to do this in a written format, then she had us do a black-and- white media representation of our written expression, and then later a color expression of what we had written. (I know it seems like I've given in to my ADD, and I've let loose on a tangent, but I promise you, I'm coming to a point.)

So, my written expression was a poem, in which I expressed my anger, confusion, and, put plainly and simply, the feeling of being lost. It was also a poem of grief, because my mom's older sister, my Aunt Rachel, had passed years earlier, and it was at times like then that I missed her most--when the world, my world, fell apart, and I couldn't pick up the phone to call her. I don't know if I was responding to the falling of the Towers, or if I was finally dealing with the passing of a phenomenal woman.

Against a black background, I had two vertical triangles, an inverted triangle being pushed into place and to the right of these three triangles, two triangles pointing to the right.

Nell asked me what it meant. I said "There was order. There was a disturbance. There's a new order."

That's how life works. There is an order, a set pattern of existence. BOOM! The disturbance occurs, and it's up to you to determine what the "new order" is. Talking about 9/11 is my roundabout way of proving my point. You can just be going along, minding your own business, and out of nowhere, some major disturbance occurs to rock your world. Somebody has to figure out what to do next. Who better to figure it out than you? After all, we're talking about something that's going to potentially affect you for the rest of your life.

If you choose to wallow in it, feeling utterly powerless, you have either consciously or unconsciously chosen to give up. That's like a person signing away his rights. Once you give up your rights, you're basically riding in a car that's going out of control and you're opting not to try and grab the wheel and get the car back on track.

That sounds stupid, because it is. Being in the midst of disappointment and throwing up your hands is only going to invite more disappointment into your life.

Knee-jerk reactions to disappointment can be just as dangerous and disruptive as the catalyst that got things out of whack in the first place. Let's go back to this car that's spinning out of control. The nature of the disruption determines how you counteract the problem. If you're hydroplaning, throwing on breaks will only make it worse. If you're sliding on black ice, there's a protocol for that. If you've got a blow out, there's another protocol for that. However, none of these things involve you jerking the wheel.

Unfortunately for life, there are few one-size-fits-all protocols. What worked in one person's situation may or may not work for you. I wish there was training for all of the things people experience. When my students and friends come to me, and they are facing these big issues, I really wish I could say "When you've been raped, you do this." "Oh, you were molested? Do this." "Your father left and never came back? Oh, this is what you do." It's not that easy. If it were, it wouldn't really be a problem, it'd be a situation.

But you know you've got to do something, and that's what you've got to realize about your life. When it's spiraling out of control, grab the wheel.

Not taking action is not an option. The longer you let it spiral, the more out of control it becomes, the more damage that occurs, the more powerless you feel, and powerlessness makes you less likely to take action.

GRAB THE WHEEL!

When you were younger, you couldn't drive, and you basically had to go where the adults in your life took you. As you got older, you began fantasizing about where you'd go if you could drive. As you aged, you began learning to drive on a limited basis. You could drive as long as there was a more experienced person with you in the car. You were technically in control of the vehicle, but you had wisdom and maturity in the passenger seat with you to help ensure that you were practicing good decision-making skills. Now, you've got your license, and you are free to drive alone.

I don't know about you, but I love to drive. I trust my driving over anybody's, except my mom, because she loves driving more than me. But, one thing you won't do is drive my car. It's my car, so I'm driving. It's your car, your life, so why are you letting someone else drive?

You should not be riding in the passenger seat of your life!

You've got the keys--the power, so do like pop singer Rihanna says, "Shut up and drive!"

—Don't Lose Your Morals—

Instead of allowing your natural sinful instincts to take over and make you lose your cool or do something you'll later regret, this is the very time to see what you are made of. In a time of disappointment, don't lose your morals; this is the time to test them out.

When things are falling apart, there are very basic morals on which you can't compromise:

• _Right is right, wrong is wrong—we go wrong when we try to make wrong right._

You know what's the proper thing to do. And no matter what's been done to you, you can't make it right by knowingly doing wrong.

• _To lie is to make it worse._

If you look deep into your situation of despair and disappointment, I'm sure you'll find that there is some level of untruth there. Whether it was an implicit lie told, or the masking of reality to put on a show of what we want others to see—it's all the same in the end—a lie. There are no levels of lies either. Get that out of your head. No such thing as "a little white lie." A lie is a lie is a lie.

Lying does not make the situation better. It only makes it worse. Sure, on the surface it seems to have patched things up, but telling a lie to lessen the pain of a situation is just as futile as attempting to patch a tire with bubble gum. Sure, for a time, you may get it to stick and it may seem to keep the trouble at bay, but when things heat up, the strength of that bubble gum will not be able to withstand the pressure that it's up against. Like melted bubble gum, lies are sticky, messy, and they cause more trouble than they are worth.

• _You cannot fight for respect by being disrespectful._

When you see a fight, no matter if it's a simple shove or slap across the face or a raging knock-down, drag out fight—it's all about respect. It's never really over the girl, it's not about the money; it's not about any of that. Every fight, and I've seen a lot of fights in my profession, is about respect. When we feel disrespected, slighted, ignored, valueless, we are willing to go to any length to demand the respect that we feel has slipped through our grasp.

But respect isn't something that you can get by force. Respect isn't something that can be taught. Sure, I know, someone out there is going to argue with me and say that your parents teach you respect as a child. But I disagree with that. Parents teach us the signs of respect. All the "please," "yes ma'ams," "no ma'ams," are signs of respect. You and I both know that you can say those words and not have respect for the person on the receiving end. Respect, true respect, can't be bought, taught, or demanded-- it's something that is given.

• _Treat people as if they are the person they should be—not how they act._

It's tempting to not treat people how they treat you. But that wasn't the "Golden Rule", now was it? If I remember correctly, it says "Treat others as you'd like to be treated." Period. There's no other part that makes your behavior conditional upon how the other person treats you. I'm not going to ask you "What Would Jesus Do?" but, I mean really, what would he?

When someone is disrespectful to you, he is showing you what he knows. When you respond disrespectfully, you are only modeling more of the behavior that's not wanted. Apparently he knows what disrespect looks like. Why not show him something new? Show him what respect looks like. Obviously he needs an object lesson.

I must stop right here, and tell you how I learned this lesson—of course it's because of my lovely students that I know this little nugget of truth. I have some students that are umm, I'd say less than eager to learn. After all, when plagued with some of the things they deal with, I'm sure learning how to write a thesis statement may not be exactly number one on their list of things they just must do before dying.

Anyway, so I had this student who is known for the "verbal vomit" that spews out of her mouth. Student or teacher, she could care less about letting you know what she thinks of you. Her attendance in class was very happenstance. I still haven't figured out how she determined what days she'd come, which days she'd walk the halls, or which days she'd just skip school altogether. She'd often be suspended from school for -- guess what? Skipping school! (I still haven't figured out how a forced vacation from school is a punishment for skipping classes. Isn't it obvious that the student didn't want to be there in the first place? I'm not a genius, but dare I say "Duh!") When she'd come to class, she would ask for all of her makeup work. In my mind, I would think how futile it was for her to go through the motions of making it seem as if she actually cared, as there was no way she'd be passing my class. But each time she asked for work, I'd patiently give her what I could, and explain the lessons as much as I could with the amount of time we had together. This went on for the entire semester. She and I didn't connect like my other students and I connected. She wasn't blatantly disrespectful to me, but she didn't seem to be a fan of me either.

There is a point this I promise! Just stay with me.

So, it's the last week of classes, and this particular class, for some reason, brought me all types of little presents and trinkets to show their appreciation for their time spent with me. I got some really nice gifts, and a ton of cards and notes. And guess who wrote me a note? Yup, "Miss Lady."

What she wrote floored me. Not only was I not expecting to get anything from her, I also wasn't expecting it to be as profound as it was. I won't write what she said to me verbatim, but in essence, she thanked me for always treating her as if she was a good student. She went on to say that "...each day you always treated me as if I was going to do the right thing that day." She actually managed to get a tear from me. I so seldom cry over a student's sentiments, but it was her words that helped cement this lesson for me. Each day she came in, I dealt with her on that day, and treated her as if that was the day she was going to get it together. The previous day's sins were not used or held against her, and my high expectations for her were renewed each day. New day—same expectations. She was expecting me to teach, and I was expecting her to learn.

I know what you did. I know that you're wrong, and you know that I know that you're wrong. If I know I'm right—that's going to have to be enough for me.

I had a "friend" that did me dirty. I'm talking outright malicious slander and character assassination. He was dead wrong. He challenged my integrity, my ideas and my ability. The lies he told, what he said, what he implied, what he intimated— I wouldn't do that to my worst enemy. Needless to say, he's my friend no more. What he did was, and still is wrong, and for some things there's no coming back.

The level of betrayal that I experienced as a result of such a careless disregard for my feelings is unimaginable, and there's no other way to say it, other than, he was just wrong.

When I picked this experience as the object lesson for this point, I promise you I thought I was further along in the healing process than I apparently am. *shaking my head*

Needless to say, I was not only hurt, but disappointed. And when you've been disappointed to this level, "cut to the quick" as some would say, your natural inclination is the same as a person who's been tossed a live grenade—instinct tells you to "return to sender."

Once I got over the initial shock of what had been done to me, and I accepted the fact that this was no mere accident, that this was a deliberate attempt to sabotage and destroy both me and my reputation, I accepted the fact that I was at war. Nothing hurts like realizing you are at war, a war that's already started, and that you are on the receiving end of a surprise attack.

I'd love to tell you that upon this realization that I quickly instituted a plan of attack, and suited up for war. I'd love to tell you that, but I can't. There I stood dazed. For what seemed like days, I was paralyzed by the mere shock of it all. But, shock, is just a temporary pain delay mechanism, and eventually, reality sets in, and you realize that yes, you've been hit, that the wetness you feel is blood, that it's seeping out at a rapid rate, and that if left unattended, you could bleed out.

Not sure about you, but for me, bleeding out is not an option, and neither is failure to act a viable course, so my senses kicked in, and I both accepted, and prepared for the war that I was apparently in.

I wanted to do the "angry black female". I wanted to do like my kids had done before-- I wanted to use my unleashed tongue to slice and dice him up so he'd feel the wrath of his actions. A heated phone conversation between the two of us, and a few face- to-face battles are present in the recesses of my mind.

I broke all of the rules of being "cool, calm, and collected." I hurriedly told any and all that would listen what he'd done to me, not once, not twice, but three times.

My mom asked the question that you never have an answer for "What are you going to do about it?" I came to the realization that initially seemed unsettling. I could go talk to him again, but really, what good would that do? He'd give me some half apology at best, and that would not alleviate my anger, but just enrage me more, because it's more of an insult than a comfort at that point.

I settled into accepting that I knew he was wrong. He knew he was wrong; he knew I knew he was wrong. His lies were unfounded. No matter how many times he told them, and no matter who he told them to, they'd never be true. I couldn't convince him through logic or reason of his culpability—he really didn't see that he'd done anything "that" wrong. He didn't have the type of remorse in him that I needed, and there was no way saying "I'm sorry," would deceive me to slip back into a friendship role.

I reached this point of truth—so, this is what I told him, "I know what you did. I know you're wrong, and you know I know you're wrong."

Apologize—it's okay. Apologize and apologize often.

Never be too big for your britches. If you are wrong, and most likely, you are partly wrong, apologize. Apologize for the part you either knowingly or unknowingly played in a series of events. I'm very "iffy" about apologies. I have no problem making them, but I'm very cautious about what I apologize for. I don't apologize for doing what I thought or know to be right. However, am willing to apologize for giving the wrong impression.

Giving an apology, no matter how big or inclusive, is the salve that is needed to smooth over and heal wounds. As time passes, you'll be surprised how your view of the situation changes and you may come to realize the role that you played in the decline of the situation. It's never too late to apologize.

I lose, outgrow, phase out, and drop friends—hey, it is what it is. In my early twenties, I found myself to be the third person in a tight friendship trio. If you saw me, you saw the other two, and vice-versa. Both of the girls were new transplants to Atlanta, and since they had no family here in the area, they'd spend time with me and my family. My mother would always cook extra on Tuesdays, because on Tuesdays, they'd come over for dinner. Insert problem. Long story short, they were doing things that I couldn't see or find a justification for. Before you start piecing things together, and try and figure out who they are, they were not doing anything morally wrong, it's just that they were making choices that I thought I wouldn't have made, and as a result of their decisions, and my viewpoint about those decisions, we grew apart. At the time, I didn't quite understand why they chose not to continue our close friendship. I thought, if anything, I should be the one to get to choose not to hang with them.

But, as time passed, and the situations in my life changed, I found myself to be 7,000 miles away from my parents and family, and I found myself making the same decisions and choices that they'd made years ago. The same things that I said to myself, and probably others that I'd "never do," not only did I do them, but I did them and didn't look back.

One day (not sure which day, but it was a day that ends in "y" and I was still living in Japan), I looked up and realized what I'd done. I'm not sure what made me think back on the two friends I'd had, but something did, and I quickly realized that not only had I failed to fully understand their situation, I didn't take into consideration how they were feeling. My morals that I was holding to so tightly, the ones that I used to judge them by, had changed. Over time, and I'd found justification for my actions, and theirs too, since they were the same as mine.

I felt bad. I felt really bad. I tried to find them to make an apology. I wasn't really trying to reconnect and get back the friendship-- I'm sure we'd all grown so differently over the years. Still, I wanted to apologize, but was unable to locate one friend. I did get to talk to the other one and apologize, though. And just last year, I ran into her again while I was at a convention in Atlanta. She looked like life was treating her well. Again, I apologized. She assured me that it was all old and forgotten, but I felt I owed it to her.

Never be too big for your britches. As time passes, re-evaluate your past relationships. You might be surprised to find out that you actually played a bigger role into the demise than you'd originally thought.

Reading is still fundamental.

As an English teacher, you know I had to stick this one in here. Reading is important, and especially when things seem to be falling apart, it's imperative that you seek out solutions for your problems and situations. I personally turn to the Bible. There is a direct scripture or implied principle for any and everything imaginable. One of my favorite scriptures is 1 Corinthians 10:12 which states, "No temptation has taken YOU except what is common to men. But God is faithful, and he will not let YOU be tempted beyond what YOU can bear, but along with the temptation he will also make the way out in order for YOU to be able to endure it."

In the end, it's important that you come to realize the truth of this verse. The disappointment that you're facing, sad to say, you're not the first to face, nor unfortunately, will you be the last to be faced with this trial. However, what you're facing, although it seems bigger than you, really isn't. It's a burden that you can and will bear. God can, and will provide a way out.

Your job is to remain faithful, and pray that He help you identify and follow the way that He makes for you!

∞∞∞∞∞∞

Things happen. Some of them, you had no way of stopping-- they just happened. Often times, though, worse things tend to happen because of how we react, or fail to react to the challenges we face. Not acting is not an option, mainly because, it really doesn't take away what's already happened, nor does it prevent worse things from happening. I'm not sure if you're religious or not, but in this world, you better be, because that's really the only solace you're going to find. If something happens to you, and you're wondering if you can make it or not, remember this: "No temptation has taken you except what is common to men. But god is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear but along with the temptation he will also make the way out in order for you to be able to endure it."-- 1Cor 10:13 "It is what it is...but it doesn't have to stay that way!"

∞∞∞∞∞∞

—THE END—

### About The Author

"It is what it is, but it doesn't have to be that way."That's her motto, and it's also the title of her book. Janyata Frazier has authored a book that couples her charm and wit while presenting motivationally inspired principles for shaping and developing one's character.

Growing up the daughter of entrepreneur parents, while other kids were reading Nancy Drew novels, James and Jeanette had their daughter reading motivational speakers such as Napoleon Hill, Zig Ziggler, and Earl Nightingale. Jan was enamored with the stories that these speakers would tell, but the bottom line would always be the same: "You are in control of you;" "What you think you are, you are;" and "Dream plus action equals success."

Being a product of that entrepreneurial home, it wasn't a question of _if_ Jan would create her own business; the real question was _what_ will her business be? To the surprise of her parents, although she did get her real estate license, Jan didn't stick with the family business of real estate; rather, she became one of the first certified teachers in her family. Teaching led her to Kobe, Japan where she taught English for two years at a Japanese high school, but along with it she brought her entrepreneurial spirit. Recognizing the absence of quality black hair care professionals in her area, Jan, along with her friend opened up a hair salon in her apartment. The small business simply called "My Girl's Place," offered hair services, dinner, and a movie for $75! Not knowing how to say no to a challenge, Jan once accepted the task of giving a client layers although she'd never even cut bangs before.

While in Japan, Jan captivated the attention and amusement of friends stateside by sending write ups of her experiences in Japan in a series entitled " _There's a Chocolate Chip in the Noodles_." Although the speed of life prevented Jan from completing the book, she didn't abandon her desire to create a book based upon her personal experiences. When necessity created a need, Jan put her vision on paper and penned her first book "It Is What It Is, But It Doesn't Have To Be That Way."

Not willing to let another summer pass without her reaching her goal of completing her book, Jan went to Raleigh, North Carolina and spent her days writing and watching TV while staying with her eldest brother, Tony.

In late 2009, Jan opened her first corporation by launching Top Shelf Books Publishing House, LLC. Jan's book will be self published and released in 2010. She's currently in the planning stages of creating a second book; this one is targeted at teens. "There's a real need for it, I talk to my students every day, I'm sure they can benefit from a book written directly to and for them." Jan, like many of her students, could have benefited from more interesting, yet, instructional reading selections that were targeted to teens.

A native of Decatur, Georgia , Jan attended Southwest DeKalb High School before she became a Literature major at Agnes Scott College also in Decatur . While at Agnes Scott, Frazier received training as a prejudice reduction workshop leader. Along with her peers, Jan led workshops to help train students, faculty and staff members along with the school's administration.

Frazier currently teaches Creative Writing and various English courses at Cedar Grove High School in Ellenwood, Georgia.

Stay Connected With Jan!

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jan-Speaks

Twitter: www.twitter.com/letmemotivateu

On the Web: www.janspeaks.com

Smashwords: <https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/topshelfbooks>

