I can fool some
people sometimes.
White men? Pfft.
Every day.
White women just think that
I'm Becky with the good hair.
The brothers, the Black men...
"Damn, I didn't even know.
But ain't nobody looking.
Come on, come on, come on!"
But you loud-ass, ignorant-ass
Michelle Obama-smart
Black bitches
always fuckin' know.
And you're loud and rude!
I'm in the bathroom
changin' tonight--
two sisters in the bathroom--
"Girl, did you see
the man in the blue dress?"
I say...
I say, "Yeah, bitch. I'm in here."
Them hoes ran out the
bathroom, y'all!
I didn't see their face,
but I saw the bitches' shoes.
I saw their shoes. I'm checkin'
shoes. I'm checkin' shoes.
So, with the government
shutdown, it was so messed up
for so many people, 'cause
I cannot fool Black women,
I fucking can't fool little kids.
Oooooooh!
Ooh, little kids is rude and
ignorant and they just lie.
I'm walkin' through Ralphs,
walkin' through Walmart.
They walkin' with they mama,
they just stop and look at a bitch.
Like I'm a circus freak
or a Tussaud show attraction.
Piss all down their leg and shit.
That's number two,
but the worst thing I can't fool,
ladies and gentlemen
which worked for me
with the shutdown,
is the fuckin' full body
scannin' machine at the airport.
Oooh! I call that machine
"Taraji Henson,"
'cause it finds my hidden figure
every time.
And the machine got a
life of its own.
I could be eight or nine in line
waitin' to go through,
and it's like the machine look
around and be like,
"Oh, yeah, bitch, I see you.
I'mma get your ass."
So they always say, "Come on
through, ma'am.
You have to come through."
And you have to put your
arms up and open your legs.
This is my version of
opening my legs.
They say, "You have to
open your legs, ma'am."
I say, "Mm! Mm-mm."
But it's always some sister.
Some Black bitch.
TSA.
Lookin' at the screen,
tellin' everybody,
"Come here, look, look,
look, look! That's a man!"
But the coward bitch
always send
a little Asian bitch
running over there.
"Oh, excuse me, ma'am sir,
sir ma'am, ma'am sir,
sir ma'am."
I'm like, "Little bitch,
get your pronouns together,
I'll slap the shit--"
She says,
"You have to get pat down.
Do you prefer a male
or a female pat down?"
So I always scan the room
to see who lookin'.
It's always some fine brother
up in the cut.
Lookin' at a bitch, laughin'
and shit.
I say, "Excuse me, ma'am.
Technically, I'm still a male.
It's illegal for you
to pat me down.
Get that nigga."
She go and tell him, y'all.
You can see him stompin' and
shit, and like, "Hell, no!"
He come over to me,
I'm standin' there,
he say, "Man, this
some bullshit."
I say, "Do your job, playa."
