-Welcome to "The Tonight Show,"
everybody.
I'm Jimmy Fallon.
Thank you so much for watching.
It's been a long and intense
week in this country,
and I really do
appreciate you guys tuning in.
And I know a lot of
these conversations
are a little bit uncomfortable,
but they need to be had,
and we're having them and we're
going to continue to have them.
So thank you again for joining
me in these conversations.
I think we have a very
interesting and fun show
for you tonight.
The Senator from the great state
of Vermont, Bernie Sanders,
is on the program this evening.
Also, she's the head of
The King Center,
the C.E.O. of The King Center.
Her father is
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.,
and her mom is
Coretta Scott King.
Dr. Bernice King
is here tonight to talk to us.
Also, the very funny Wyatt Cenac
is on the show.
We'll close out the show with
a performance from
Gary Clark Jr. and The Roots.
But, first,
let's get to some news.
♪♪
Well, guys, a former member of
President Trump's cabinet
is now speaking out against him.
That could be like
one of 900 people,
but this one happened to be his
former Defense Secretary,
General James Mattis.
In a statement,
General Mattis said,
"Donald Trump is the first
president in my lifetime
who does not try to unite
the American people,
does not even pretend to try.
Instead, he tries to divide us."
Trump saw that and was like,
"Why don't you be a man
and tweet that to my face?"
That's right -- Trump denied
he's trying to divide us.
Then he added more fencing
between him and the protesters.
By the way, in case anyone
forgot who General Mattis is,
here's a photo.
He looks like every
Scooby-Doo villain
who just had his mask
yanked off.
Yep, several members of the
military are criticizing Trump.
At this point,
the only military leaders
who support him are these guys.
It's sad -- even his beloved
friend General Tso
has turned on him.
Well, as the nation continues
to deal with
a pandemic and protests,
it seems like
the walls are closing in on
President Trump, literally.
-President Trump beefing up
the physical barriers
between himself
and between protesters.
Construction began before dawn
on some additional fencing
for The White House complex.
-I personally think the
fencing looks great.
I always said, "I wish
The White House looked like
a Little League backstop."
I think the fence
would work well, too,
unless protesters resort to
the act of pushing.
Yep, Trump is trying to protect
The White House.
He even ran around putting
broken Christmas ornaments
under windows
and tying rope to paint cans
that swing over the staircase.
"Keep the change,
you filthy animals."
So far, Trump has turned off
The White House lights,
hid in a bunker,
and is now building
an ugly chain-link fence.
He's like every crazy neighbor
rolled into one.
I think Trump has finally
had enough,
'cause, yesterday he tweeted,
"I've done more for black
Americans, in fact,
than any president
in U.S. history,
with the possible exception
of another Republican president,
the late, great Abraham Lincoln,
and it's not even close."
Yeah, with the possible
exception of Lincoln.
Yeah, sure.
He did -- I don't know what --
He did some things.
But me first, then maybe
Lincoln did something.
But that is a real tweet,
and it makes me wonder.
It's like, is there some
connection between
Trump and Lincoln that
I don't know?
So I have right here --
I printed out
the actual text of Lincoln's
Gettysburg Address.
And it turns out, the joke
is on me.
Here it is, from 1863,
the Gettysburg Address.
[ Clears throat ]
♪♪
"Four score and seven years ago,
our fathers --
terrific people,
fantastic fathers --
brought forth on this continent
a new nation
conceived in liberty --
a beautiful thing, liberty --
and dedicated to the proposition
that all men are created equal.
The most equal.
Couldn't be more equal.
We were met on
the great battlefield --
The great, classy field.
Everyone says
it's really classy.
And we're going to dedicate it
to those who gave their lives.
But, in a larger sense, we're
going to dedicate it to me.
We'll put up a sign,
a big, beautiful sign,
that says "Lincoln Field"
in huge, gold letters
with a golf course
and pro club and a cabana bar.
Now we are engaged
in a great civil war,
and it's very unfair how I've
been treated during this war.
The newspapers have not treated
Lincoln nicely.
They've said nasty things,
very nasty.
You don't see them saying
those bad things about
Sleepy General Sherman
or Creepy Custer.
Sad!
We here highly resolve that
this nation under God --
great God, by the way,
good friend of mine --
shall have a new birth
of freedom,
especially when it comes to
the second amendment.
Everyone has the freedom
to fire a rifle,
place a new bullet, from a
pouch, in the barrel,
bite off the end of the
gunpowder pouch,
take out a long stick,
shove all of that
down the barrel, and fire again.
And if people want to fire as
many as one bullet
every three minutes,
no government
should be able to stop them,
not even the Lincoln government.
And that government of Lincoln,
by Lincoln, for Lincoln
shall not perish from Earth.
Okay, if you need
me, I'll be in my bunker."
Be best."
As if Trump isn't
dealing with enough,
now social-media companies
are starting to pile on.
-And we're learning right now
that Snapchat
has apparently decided that
it's not gonna promote
Donald Trump's pages,
saying that
it's not gonna amplify voices
that incite racial violence.
-When Trump heard the news,
he puked a rainbow.
He was so mad.
He was like, "They didn't take
down my dance challenge
off TikTok, did they?"
Finally, you guys we've been in
quarantine for months,
and a lot of people are doing
a lot more online shopping
without even really thinking.
Well, I heard about this
new thing that you can download
that helps you put your money
towards organizations
that make a difference.
Check it out.
-Are you a white person about to
buy some dumb crap online
to distract yourself right now?
Has it occurred to you
that maybe
you could donate
that money instead?
You can, thanks to
Hmm...You Can Do Better,
a new extension for Chrome
that takes the money
you were going to spend
on useless crap you don't need
and donates it to organizations
fighting for racial justice.
About to buy a canvas that says
"Live, laugh, love,"
spelled out on seashells?
You're gonna donate instead.
Thinking you might actually need
a Bluetooth avocado knife?
Ya don't. Donate instead.
Considering a moon crystal
from your high-school friend
Kaitlyn's
Facebook Marketplace page?
Yeah, you're going to be
donating instead.
Also, you should check
in on Kaitlyn.
She's clearly caught up
in a pyramid scheme.
Thanks to
Hmm...You Can Do Better,
you'll be turning your 3:00 a.m.
Ambien-induced shopping sprees
into social justice in no time.
"But what if I want to
buy a candle
shaped like a zebra
and donate?", you might ask.
That's fine, but now you're
gonna donate twice, Carol.
And if you're finding it hard to
talk to your white relatives,
you can install the extension
on their computers, too,
because Hmm...You Can Do Better
is now compatible with
Yahoo!, AOL, and whatever
the hell me.com is.
So next time
your cousin Todd tries to buy
a 98-pound jug of protein powder
that physically cannot
fit on any shelf and will sit on
his kitchen floor
for three years,
we'll be sure to tell him,
"Hmm...you can do better, Todd."
Hmm...You Can Do Better --
together, we can turn your
bad taste into good action.
Okay, I got to go donate.
