 
Baby Steps

A Personal Journey with God

Through a Lifetime of Pain and Heartache

Copyright by Diane K Hiltz Chamberlain

Smashwords Edition

Acknowledgements

I would like to dedicate this book, to the children of the Jesus Care Children Ministry. As a child, I faced many moments of heartache, pain and despair but I know in my heart that all these trying moments, were meant for a purpose and a plan that God had designed for my life, since the day I was born.

As I have overcome many trying moments, with God's help; I pray that this book will help many, who are hurting deeply, from a similar situation and that the proceeds of this book, will be able to spare another child's life, from needless despair.

In addition, I would like to dedicate this book; to the many people I have met, over the past 12 years of my ministry. There are many, whom I have met that live with chronic pain, loneliness and deep heartache and I pray that this book will inspire and encourage you to continue on and to be able to find hope, in the midst of your own circumstance.

Most of all, I dedicate this book, to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ! We have been on a long journey together and never has there been a time, when He has failed me. When I could not see the pathway before me, due to the darkness of each circumstance; He became the light that always kept the pathway lit before me. He has been the One, who laid out every footprint, for me to walk in, while He remained close, throughout each trying circumstance. When others abandoned me and walked away; Jesus was the One who drew closer to me, as He would allow the lonely moments, to become an opportunity to discover a new heart that could feel the depth of pain and heartache, in another hurting soul. Jesus has been a good friend and I know, with all my heart that I would not be where I am in life today, without His love, goodness, and faithfulness and I love and praise Him, for never giving up on me!

Finally, I dedicate this book, to all who have suffered, in some form of sexual abuse. This form of abuse can change the complete outlook, on a person's life and can affect them, even as an adult but I have learned that when we are willing to fall to our knees before a powerful God and admit that we are not strong enough, to handle this form of weakness, then He will come to us and exchange the deep pain within our hearts, for a peace and love that only He can offer.

Introduction

Diane was raised in a small town in Michigan and was born with a congenital problem in both knees. She went through many surgeries, trying to correct the problem but there was never really a cure. Little did she know; that God had "branded" her at birth, for such a moment as this. Many in this world grow up and go to school or college, to get their education but that's not what God had in store for Diane. Her education for writing came from twenty-one painful knee surgeries, heartache from sexual abuse as a child, and the loss of many things in her life, including the loss of children. As each painful moment came and as each loving desire left, God was taking all the brokenness in Diane's life, and He was piecing it together, so she could have the heart He desired...a heart that could understand and care, for others, who live in despair.

As of this year, Diane has been ministering, through a past of pain and heartache; to many in need, for over 12 years and God continues to open new doors for her to walk through. Now, Diane is serving God full-time, as she continues to reach out to others in need, through her writings and the Diane K Chamberlain Ministry. One thing that God has taught Diane over the years; is that no matter what we lose out on or experience in life; He will always be there to pick up the broken pieces and fill the empty voids in our lives. At the most difficult and heartbreaking moments of Diane's life, she has come to see; that God never abandons His own but rather, He exchanges the painful moments, for the true plan He has, for each of our lives.

Preface

Are you looking for a book that will bring renewed hope back into your life, while teaching you how to exchange weakness, for God's perfect strength? "Baby Steps: A Personal Journey with God through a Lifetime of Pain and Heartache;" will allow you to walk through the many painful moments that Diane endured throughout her lifetime; as a means of allowing God, to take her weaknesses and exchange them, for a perfect strength that could later be used for Him.

You will journey with Diane, as she goes through a series of twenty-one knee operations...counselling for sexual abuse, while at the same time experiencing much loss in her life. You will come to see how God filled each empty void, with a plan and purpose for Diane's life...something that would be used, as a means of sharing God's love, with other's who feel hopeless, while dealing with their own moments of affliction.

As you read through the book; you will discover how God taught Diane to rise above her circumstances, through a broken heart that became humbled, through the dark and hopeless moments she faced. The book will also reveal, how God allowed each circumstance for a reason; so He could repair a heart that had been shattered, by heartache, pain and abuse.

Many times, we don't always fully understand why God allows these weak moments to enter our lives but one thing Diane learned; is that instead of trying to figure God out; she needed to come to a place in her life, where she could let go of the reign to her life and allow God to step in and work, in a way that He could only do. Once Diane learned this; she truly found that there was a way out of her wilderness of despair, while allowing God to fashion her life, in the way He had destined, since the day she was born.

Table of Contents

Preface

Introduction

Acknowledgements

Chapter1- Unknown Pain

Chapter 2- God Works through Pain

Chapter 3- A New Pain

Chapter 4- The Walls Come Tumbling Down

Chapter 5- The Work Begins

Chapter 6- The Journey Back

Chapter 7- The Journal

Chapter 8- Learning to Trust

Chapter 9- A New Heart

Chapter 10- Learning to Let Go

Chapter 11- Writing through Pain

Chapter 12- More Surgeries

Chapter 13- Finding God through Weakness

Chapter 14- Renewed in His Spirit

Dear Reader

Chapter 1

Unknown Pain

I was raised in a small town, of Lapeer Michigan. Little did I know what God had planned and purposed for my life and how He would eventually use my life to inspire others. I was like all other children at first, except for one hidden and unknown problem that would soon be brought to my attention....something that would change my life forever.

One of my favorite places to run and play was at my great-grandfathers place. He had an amazing place, where my brothers, sister and I would play in his wild orchard. I loved my great-grandfathers place because it was full of apple trees, wild blackberry bushes, along with other wild goodies, including a pear tree up by the barn, where I would stuff myself with pears but what was even better, was that he only lived a pathway away, from where I lived, so we could visit him any time.

One day, while playing on a sloped area of my great-grandfathers front yard, I suddenly fell to the ground. I didn't know what happened, other than I was experiencing a lot of pain in my knee. I remember my brothers and sister heading for the house, as they were going to get my mother. She ran out to see what was wrong but still we didn't have any idea, as to what had happened, other than maybe I had twisted my knee while playing.

After a day or two, my mother noticed that I was having a very difficult time walking, while I still remained in a lot of pain, so she took me in to see our family physician. After the doctor examined the knee, he ordered some x-rays and asked us to wait, while they were being developed. After being called back into the room, the doctor told my mother and me that my knee was dislocated and that he would have to put the kneecap back into place. I was only about seven years old at the time, so you can just imagine what was going through my mind. I remember watching the doctors every move from that moment on, as he headed for a small table, where there appeared to be a small hammer type instrument. As he reached for the instrument, I could pretty much figure out, what he was about to do. I just cringed inside and every muscle in my body began to tense up, as he headed in my direction. He tried to console me but I wasn't listening...only looking at the hammer device he held within his hand. After finally being convinced that everything would be alright, the doctor took the reflex hammer and tapped on the outside of my knee and my mother and I watched, as the kneecap went back into place.

Once the kneecap was back in place, the doctor sat down and discussed with my mother and me; that they had also noticed something different in the x-rays and that he would like to have me see an Orthopedic surgeon. He mentioned that my knee joint did not appear, as though it was formed properly and he felt that it may require the help of a specialist, so from there, my family physician set up an appointment with an Orthopedic surgeon in Flint Michigan, which was about 30 minutes from where I lived.

Within a few weeks following my doctor appointment, my mother was driving me to Flint Michigan, to meet with an orthopedic surgeon. All I mainly remember that day was a big man, with a large hand that could wrap completely around my small knee. As he approached me, while I sat on an examining table, I remember being very nervous. He pushed and prodded on my knee, which made me jump. As he looked at me, he was reassuring me that everything would be alright but after that check-up, I didn't know whether to believe him or not.

Once the examination was completed, he went over to view the x-rays that had been sent ahead by our family physician. Once he had studied the x-rays, he came over to talk with my mother and mentioned that I had a very rare problem with my knee and that he would like to also check the other knee. After more x-rays were taken, he came to soon discover that the same problem existed in both knees. He mentioned to us that the grooves in my knee joints weren't formed completely, as they should be and since there was nothing there to hold my kneecap in place, the knee could dislocate any time, without a warning. He mentioned to my mother that day that I would require surgery and that they would have to work with the tendon and ligaments, to secure the kneecap tightly in place. Since the one knee was only giving me a problem, he suggested that we should not operate on both knees at that time. He also mentioned that he would only be able to do so much work on the knee during the surgery, since I was still growing and that there were no guarantees that the surgery would completely hold the knee in place.

After my mother talked with the doctor, she agreed to allow him to operate. He mentioned that he normally doesn't do surgery in Lapeer but since I was so young and had never been away from home, that he would do the first surgery in my hometown. I will never forget the ride home. It was a rainy day and even at that young of an age, many things were going through my mind, especially since I had never been through an operation before. My mother tried to talk with me but I remained quiet the rest of the way home.

The time finally came, for what I thought would be my first and only surgery. As I walked into the hospital for the first time, I felt as though my whole body was in a state of shock. After waiting for a while, to be taken to my room, we found out that our family doctor had not scheduled a room for me and all the beds on that floor were full, so we continued to wait, while they attempted to call our doctor. Within a short time, a lady came to talk with us and mentioned that they could not reach our family doctor because he was on a vacation, so they contacted the surgeon and was able to set up a room, as one of the patients was going to be discharged in the afternoon.

Finally the time came, when they called me back to my room. I remember the nurse coming out with a wheelchair that appeared to be a wicker high back chair on wheels. Once I was in the wheelchair, the nurse wheeled me to my room, where I would spend the night before my surgery.

After the nurse got me set up with a gown and helped me into bed, it was soon time for my mother to go home. This was a very difficult time for me, since I was so young and had never been away from home but even as I look back to this moment, I know that God was there because I remember a peace that had entered this young girl's heart.

By time the evening came around, the nurses were once more helping me into the wheelchair, to go and have lab work and a chest x-ray; then from there, I returned to have dinner in bed and then the nurse came in with a sleeping pill, so I could rest before my surgery, which was the next morning.

All I remember the following morning was a voice calling my name and as I began to wake up, the nurse was giving me a clean gown and asking me to take a shower; so she helped me out of bed and I headed to the shower. Once I was out of the shower and back to bed, another nurse came in the room to shave my leg and get it prepped for surgery, so as you can see; my leg shaving days began earlier than normal.

Within a short time, my mother and my aunt were coming up, to be with me before the surgery. My father worked at a factory and couldn't get the time off, so my aunt came to sit with my mother, until my father was able to come up to the hospital.

Later that morning, I was wheeled into pre-op and as I looked around me, nurses and doctors were coming from all directions. I also remembered a young girl, who had been wheeled next to my gurney. She was having her tonsils removed and as I looked over to where she was; I noticed that tears were coming down her cheeks and that she looked as nervous as I felt. Even at that young of an age, I began to feel her pain, as each teardrop fell from her cheeks. I could see that she was experiencing and feeling the unknown moments, as we would soon be entering the operating room for the first time. Even as I was about to face my own surgery for the first time, I could feel the connection between her heart and mine and with that bond, I began to comfort her, as if I had known her, for a long time. It's amazing how God was beginning to work in my life, at such a young age, as I look back and remember these moments.

While consoling this young girl, I began to notice that the nurses were lining other patients next to us. From what I remember, there was a long line of patients and in front of us, were numbered operating rooms. Within a short time, a nurse came out and began to call our last names and what operating room we would be in. As they began to wheel me away, all I could think about was this young girl, as our hands lost their grip from one another, while we both parted, to go into surgery.

As the nurse wheeled me into the operating room, I remember looking at a tray of instruments to my right and a huge light that was suspended from the ceiling, over the operating table. This is one of the moments that I will never forget. I could feel my body shaking, as they took me from the gurney to the operating table. All I wanted to do was go to sleep, so I wouldn't have to view anymore of the room. Within a short time, my wish came true, as I began to see a mask coming over my face and before I knew it, I felt myself drifting off to sleep.

It seemed as though I had only been asleep for a moment, when I was awakened by a great amount of pain. I felt pain from the dislocation but this pain was so much different, as tears began to fall down my cheeks. A nurse noticed that I was waking up, so she came over to see how I was doing. She asked me how my pain level was and I began to cry, as I told her how bad the pain was. She consoled me and gave me a shot of pain medication and within a short time I was relieved to know that the pain was subsiding. After my pain levels and vital signs were alright, the nurses then began to wheel me back to my room. Now the surgery was behind me.

At that time, the hospitals didn't have a physical therapy staff, so the nurses were in charge of getting the patients up and this became a battle for me. I was fine, until the nurse asked me to put my leg down the side of the bed. At that time I was in a full leg cast and when that leg went over the side of the bed, I seemed to feel every painful spot, where the doctor had operated, so I became stubborn and would not get up. I thought to myself...this just isn't going to happen...that is, until my parents came up to visit me one day. My father mentioned that the nurse had a talk with them and that I wasn't cooperating and getting out of bed as I should and all I remember saying to my father was...but it hurts. He talked with me and said, but Diane, you need to get up, so the leg will get better. After realizing that I had lost this battle, I began to get up and I will never forget the pain but with time, it gradually did get easier.

For the first surgery, I was in the hospital for 2 weeks and then I went home...cast and all. As I began to heal, eventually the cast came off and from there, I remember sitting in a tub of warm water, as I tried to bend what felt like a piece of wood. The recovery days seemed long and hard, especially since I knew that the neighbor kids were outside having fun but with time, I was finally able to walk on my two feet without crutches, even though I was restricted from doing certain things.

Chapter 2

God Works through Pain

After experiencing my very first knee surgery; eventually the other knee had to be operated on; after experiencing other dislocations because they not only found this congenital problem in the right knee but the left knee also. As the years passed by, there were many more surgeries; as there was really no cure for this problem and the only thing that could be done, was to stabilize the knees, as problems arose.

As I was entering my teen years; God was beginning to work in a way; that I never fully understood at the time. As I was being admitted, for yet another surgery; I was taken to a hospital room, where I met a lady, who would be my roommate, while I stayed in the hospital. She had pins going through her foot, while weights hung over the end of her bed. She appeared to be a nice lady and she began to tell me that she had broken her foot but that's all she seemed to want to talk about for the moment. We began to visit more, after the nurses got me settled in bed and through the days we spent together, we actually became good friends. In fact, the nurses would push our beds together and while recovering from surgery; we would work on crafts together or just visit and watch TV. As I look back on this time in my life; I see where a bond of friendship was truly being formed between this young woman and a young girl. Our friendship grew so quickly, while I was there; that we began to understand what each other was going through for the moment.

Within a short time, of my stay in the hospital, it was now approaching Valentine's Day and I noticed that my roommate's husband had brought in a box of candy for her but yet she just laid it in the windowsill and never seemed to show any emotion at the time. I thought to myself; this is strange but yet I decided to not say anything, as I felt that she would talk about it later, if there was something wrong.

Later, after her husband left, we were watching a TV show together and while we were enjoying the show, she began to ask me how I was able to cope with all the surgeries that I had already been through. I mentioned to her that I was a Christian and the only reason I was able to endure these difficult moments, was because I had Jesus living in me. After answering her question; I thought it was kind of strange for her to ask me this kind of question out of the blue, since we were just watching TV. As we continued to watch TV, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, she began to cry. I couldn't figure out why she would be crying; so I asked her what was wrong. She mentioned to me that she had lied to the doctor and nurses about her injuries and how they had happened and instead of falling on her own; her husband had beaten her and pushed her down a flight of stairs. She also mentioned that the only way she was able to get help, was because her young son had ran upstairs and had crawled under the bed with the phone, to call for help. I asked her why she was telling me this and not the doctor and she said that her husband had just called earlier in the day and was threatening to kill her the next time he saw her. I began to instantly experience some fear...thinking that he might come up to the hospital and attempt to kill her and I'm sure that she was already experiencing similar feelings to mine.

After telling me everything; I told her that we should pull the call light, so she could tell the nurse, everything that she had just told me. After talking with her for a short while, she finally agreed to talk to a nurse. As the nurse walked into our room, my new friend began to break down and sob uncontrollably, as she shared the whole story with her. Before the night was over, there were a couple nurses...the doctor and a policeman in our room. As the policeman continued to ask her all kinds of questions, I began to piece everything together in my thoughts that I had seen and experienced, prior to this night. I just sat there...thinking about how I had met this lady and how we became such good friends and so quickly too...never realizing the problems she was facing at the time. God was truly beginning a good work in me, even though I wasn't seeing it that way at the moment.

Before the policeman left our room, he mentioned to my roommate that he would go and get her son out of the home and make sure he was safe, so she wouldn't have to worry, while recovering from these injuries. As I looked over to my new friend, I began to see a sigh of relief on her face, as she had finally allowed the truth to free her, from the situation she was in.

As we continued to talk, during the days that I remained in the hospital; I continued to share with her the love of Jesus but finally the day came, when it was time for me to be discharged. I knew that we would miss each other and it would be hard to say good-bye because we had shared a quick but special relationship. As I left the hospital, she hadn't yet accepted Jesus into her heart but the seed had been planted within her and she was now free, from the abuse that she had suffered with, for so long.

Later down the road; a time came, when my orthopedic surgeon, in Flint Michigan, could no longer do anything more, as a means of helping my knees; so I was referred to a specialist in Lansing, Michigan. We were told that this specialist had a different technique that he wanted to try; so surgery was scheduled once more. For this surgery, I was admitted to a university hospital and as I was being wheeled into the operating room, all I can remember were the cameras and microphones that hung down, over the operating table. I also remember seeing curtains that hung high to the ceiling; over large glass viewing windows. From what I was told later; the curtains were opened, once I was asleep, as my surgery was being viewed, by the university students.

The day before my surgery, I was assigned to a room, with another lady, who was Vietnamese. I came to find out that she lived with arthritis, throughout her whole body and she was there because they were doing special hot wax treatments, as a means of easing her pain. Because my home was about 2 hours away from the hospital, I didn't get much company, other than my mother; so when her children would get out of school, they would visit with me, while their mother was having these treatments. After several visits with her children, they began to bring me colored pictures, to place near my bed and these moments began to feel, as though God was truly taking care of me, while I was far away from home.

During the morning of my scheduled surgery, my roommate and I began to have a nice visit together, which took the thought of the surgery off my mind. As she began to ask more questions about my knee problems, she started to ask me how I was able to go through so much, at such a young age. I mentioned to her that it was because I had Jesus living in me and he was helping me through each difficult moment. After a short while of visiting; she turned to me and said... "Diane, can I know Jesus too?" My heart felt so overwhelmed and excited at the same time. I had never led anyone to the Lord before, so I asked her, if my pastor could talk with her; as he would be coming soon, to pray with me before surgery and she said that would be fine. I had my mind made up; that no one was going to take me to surgery, until my pastor arrived. Within a few minutes, my pastor came walking through the door and instantly, I called him over to my bedside. I told him that I would be fine but would he go over and lead my roommate to the Lord. What a surprise for him, as he walked into my room; thinking that he was there to pray for me, when all along, he would be leading my roommate to the Lord.

Just before my pastor went to talk to the lady, he came over to me and said, "Diane, can I borrow your Bible because I only have my small Bible with me that I use, when I pray with people." As I handed my Bible to him, he noticed that my Bible had appeared to be well used and mentioned to me; that I don't normally see many teenagers, with a worn Bible. From there, he walked across the room, to my roommate's bed, as he sat beside her and lead her to Jesus. I'm sure that all of heaven had to be rejoicing!

God had used this surgery, as a means of not only helping me but also this lady, who was truly in need of Jesus. I have come to see that God has special reasons, for why we suffer and endure difficult moments of affliction. Maybe some of the reasons aren't clear to us now but I truly believe; a day will come, when God will answer every question we have.

Over time; the surgeries began to take a toll on me, as I began to lose a lot of special moments in my life, due to the many days I was in the hospital, along with the many weeks of post op recovery. One of my favorite things to do, when I was a kid; was to ride my bike. I had this purple bike, with a white sparkly seat and for quite some time, I practically lived on that bike and saw each ride as an adventure. Some of the other things I enjoyed, as a young girl, were tennis and ice-skating but all the fun times came to a close one day, as the doctor said, "No more bike...no more tennis and no more ice skating." It was difficult, for a girl in her teens to give up all these fun things and I could never truly understand why God was allowing these moments into my life. I remember many days, when I would watch the other children in our neighborhood having fun, while I sat on the sidelines. There were so many days, when I felt alone...in my own little world of disabilities.

Chapter 3

A New Pain

Life was tough enough, with all the knee surgeries but now, I was about to experience something that would feel, as though my world was truly being torn apart. As my mind journeys back, to over 48 years ago, I see a picture of a young girl, who lived in a world of her own, where all she felt was shame and deep heartache...a world where she experienced feelings that should have never been felt as a child.

I began my life, in a little house, in a small town in Michigan, where my mother was a stay at home housewife and my Dad worked in a factory, in Flint Michigan. I grew up with two brothers and a sister and lots of relatives. There were times, when my grandparents would come over for a visit, while my father was working in the afternoon and it always seemed as though my mother and grandmother would congregate in the kitchen, while my grandfather would stay in the living room, with my older brother and me.

It wasn't until the age of five that I began to notice, as a young girl; that my grandfather began to treat me differently. One day, he wanted to read me a story, while my mother and grandmother were in the kitchen. It was just him and I in the room and as he began to open the storybook, he would ask me to hold the opened book in front of me, so it would be easier for him to read. As I did what he asked, he began to touch me, in areas that I had never been touched before. At that young of an age, I didn't know what was happening but all I knew, was that I didn't like it. I remember telling him to stop but then he would whisper in my ear and tell me that he wasn't going to stop, until I told him that I enjoyed it. For the longest time, I wondered why I didn't scream out to my mother in the other room and tell her what was happening but later, I came to realize; that as a young girl, I saw my grandfather as a person that had more authority...even than my own mother, so I kept this awful secret to myself.

As time continued to pass by, there were more visits and more abuse. I remember a time, when I heard that my grandparents were coming over and all I thought of for the moment, was to find a place to hide, where no one could hurt me again but there was no place to go. I remember one time, when my mother asked me to go and visit my grandfather in the living room and I would cling to her skirt and cry and beg her, to not make me visit with him but she would. To this day, I can remember the feel, print, and style, of the skirt she was wearing that day and as her arms tore me away from her skirt, I knew what was going to happen again.

After several visits with my grandfather, my life as a young girl began to take a turn, in a different direction. I remember moments, even at that young of an age, when I actually felt depressed and everything around me seemed so dark, as I began to feel that I was living in a world of my own. From that day on, I began to see life around me with a different view, then before the abuse began. After a while, I began to experience different feelings that I should have never experienced, at that young of an age. I became frustrated, as a young girl and was confused, as to what I was experiencing.

As I began to get a little older, the abuse stopped and the feelings that once were very real began to be suppressed within me. As I look back, I'm sure that my grandfather feared that I would tell someone, so he began to treat me, as though I was his favorite grand-daughter. Instead of the sexual abuse, he abused me in a different way and used his feelings for me, to keep this awful secret hidden. I began to turn my thoughts away from the feelings of abuse; to the new feelings he had for me. Instead of the abuse controlling me physically, it was now controlling me mentally. I began to worship the ground my grandfather walked on. There was even a time, when my grandfather had my grandma pick me up, so I could spend a day on their farm and help out. At this point, there was no memory of the abuse. All I knew was that my grandfather loved me, as any grandfather should. I remember helping him out on the farm that day and nothing was ever mentioned again, about what had happened to me as a child. In fact, this was one of the times, when I enjoyed my visit with him but at the same time, my mind had become completely shifted, from the pain of the abuse, to a life that became dysfunctional.

As I began to grow up and become a teenager, I still struggled, with unknown feelings, as I began to enter the world I once lived in, as an abused child. I never had any dreams, due to the abuse but I would sit and my mind would wander, into an unknown place of fantasy. As I began junior high, I struggled with my grades and found it very difficult to concentrate on my homework. No matter how much I read, I never could grasp the meaning of what I had studied and as I watched my brothers and my sister getting A's and B's, I continued to struggle, to get C's and D's. Life became very complicated for me and even more frustrating because I could not understand why I struggled so. At this time, the complete memory of the abuse was still below the surface of my thoughts but yet there were symptoms appearing, from the root of the problem. Depression began to overtake me, as I would stand at the windowsill in my bedroom and stare out into space. I felt so alone and in a world, where I felt, as though no one could understand the depth of my unknown heartache.

As I entered my high school years, my grandfather became very ill. From what I remember, he had cancer of the kidney and heart disease. My mother would go over to my grandparents' home, from time to time and help my grandmother, as she took care of him. I remember this one time, when she was going over there and I had asked to go along, so she took me with her. When we got to their home, my grandfather was very angry and was swearing, from the pain he was experiencing at the time. My grandmother was trying to calm him down and as she talked with him, she tried to get his mind off the pain, by suggesting that he talk with my mother and me about the good old days. I will never forget the look he gave me, as he became instantly silent. At this time, I still had not remembered the memory, of what had happened but as I look back now, I see a man that was hurting deeply, and probably remembering what had taken place. Within a short time later, my grandfather passed away, before even making things right between him and me.

I will never forget the time, of my grandfather's funeral because there was an ice storm. As the funeral home began the first viewing, we went up, along with the rest of the family, to pay our respects to my grandfather. At this time, I still had not remembered, what had happened between my grandfather and me. As we sat in the viewing room of the funeral home, other friends and relatives had come to see my grandfather for the final time and as we all were sitting there; I remember that we lost the power. This time, was actually eerie, as the grandchildren took turns, standing at the head and foot of my grandfather's casket, with candles. As the final viewing came to an end, I remember seeing my grandmother go up to the casket and kiss my grandfather for the last time. I don't know why but I felt that I should do the same, so I slowly approached the casket and gave my grandfather a kiss. As I had just lifted my head, my mother called me, as we were all heading out to the cemetery. As I look back now, I feel that the kiss was connected to the deep rooted feelings that had come from the sexual abuse that I had experienced, as a young girl. I often wonder if that kiss was also my way of saying good bye to the pain and heartache that my grandfather had brought into my life, even at a time when I hadn't truly accepted what had happened.

After my grandfather's death, my life continued on, as though nothing had happened. I was going through a problem, with both of my knees that stemmed from birth, as one surgery lead into another. As I look back, I can see why I never allowed this painful moment of my past to resurface. After all, I was going through so much already, as a young girl. What I thought would be my only knee surgery; lead to 21 surgeries, throughout my lifetime. My plate was already filled, with chronic pain and heartache, due to missing out on so much of my youth. While other kids my age were having fun, I was laid up in my living room, in a hospital bed. These days I was experiencing, seemed to become too overwhelming, for a young teenager and there were many moments, when I wished I could escape them all.

Many years passed and I was married to Keith and still, I had not remembered what had happened to me, by my grandfather. As Keith and I were first married, it seemed as though nothing could go wrong again in my life. We were moving out to Washington State and I was actually excited for a new and fresh start. Little did I know that God had a plan and a reason, for me to move so far away from Michigan. When Keith and I first arrived in Washington State, we were still newlyweds and those happy moments seemed to keep the dreaded feelings of the past, buried deep within me. Even as a young married woman, I never had any problems at first, with being close to my husband. I was so caught up in the happy moments of marital bliss that there was no room to remember anything else.

As the years passed by, new memories began to come forth and even though I did not completely identify with what had happened, bits and pieces of the past were beginning to resurface. The mind completely amazes me because we can bury something like this so deeply, as though it never happened but yet, each part of the awful puzzle begins to slowly tell the story, of something very painful. I remember a counselor telling me once that she believed that God slowly brings an unresolved issue to pass, as He feels we can handle it and this is what God was beginning to do. You know, God doesn't want any unresolved issues in our lives because they become a form of weakness that Satan longs to feed on. I've also learned that we cannot move ahead in our lives, and serve the purpose God desires for our lives, when first; we aren't willing to open up and allow God to heal, what has been broken.

As time continued on, I began to experience some new feelings but I could not understand where they were coming from. One moment, I would be perfectly fine, while the next moment, I felt as though I was hit head on, by the fieriest storm. I would find myself out of control and very overwhelmed and frustrated, by what I was feeling. The feelings became uncontrollable mood swings that began to place a wedge between Keith and me. What bothered me the most was that I could not understand why I was experiencing these feelings. Keith would ask me what was wrong and I would tell him that I did not know. The feelings seemed to be hiding something that I could not connect with.

As I woke up one morning, I had the strangest thing happen to me. As I turned over in bed, to say good morning to Keith, I saw my grandfather. I just about leaped out of the bed. I remember Keith asking me, what was wrong and I said...I saw my grandfather. To Keith's amazement, he said...you saw what? I said once more, I saw my grandfather, instead of you. We both just stood by the bed and looked as though we were both bewildered. As I look back now, I see that the memory was beginning to resurface some more but it was me that was pushing it back down, each time the memory began to resurface. I realize that I was putting up a wall to protect myself, from further pain and heartache.

From that moment on, there were many struggles, especially when it came to having an intimate relationship with Keith. As I look back, I see how God gave me the man that He knew I would need, while facing the awful moments that awaited me. Before the memory completely resurfaced, I found it difficult to get close to Keith and I found myself avoiding any moments that would bring us together in an intimate way. It was as though my life was changing from the beautiful days of wedded bliss, to a nightmare of deep unknown heartache. I began to feel alone, as though I was living in a world of my own and I remember telling Keith, how lonely I felt but he would say...I'm here in the same room, why do you feel alone but yet I could not even figure that out. All I knew, at the time, was that I had entered a different world...a world that I could not identify with. As time continued to pass, Keith and I remained strong in communication but days and weeks would go by, without even giving each other a kiss. I got to the point, where I felt relief, when he would walk out the door, to go to work but yet there was a part of me that deeply missed Keith. My emotions began to feel twisted, while these unknown feelings began to take control over my mind and heart.

As each day continued on, I felt as though my world not only became a lonely place to be but it became a world, of a hidden secret that I could not even figure out. I felt a battle raging within me, as more days began to pass me by. There were days that were good but when the bad days came, they came with a vengeance. The mood swings became more intense, as anger built up within me. It was as if I needed to release something within me but I could not figure out what was causing me to feel so much anger. The anger began to get so out of control, that I would find myself slamming doors and throwing things across the room. There were even times that I would leave the house alone, to walk down the road. I never knew where I was headed...all I knew was that I had to walk off this anger and deep hurt. Later, I found out that slamming doors, throwing things across the room and a heated walk, were not the cure, for what was going on within me.

As more symptoms began to stem, from this unknown problem; I see now, that they were symptoms that were trying to reveal the deep hearted secret within me. As I look back to those painful days, I realize that each feeling I was experiencing at the time, was becoming a brick that would eventually build a high wall around me...a wall that I had planned to use, as a means of protecting myself from any more pain in my life. The only thing bad about building a wall like this; is that eventually the wall has to come down.

Chapter 4

The Walls Come Tumbling Down

One day, while Keith was at work, I was taking a break from my housework. At that time, I was a housewife that loved to cook and do crafts and keep up our home. To this day, I can remember our living room and even how the furniture was arranged. As I sat on the couch, I began to turn on the TV and look for a good afternoon movie. For some reason, as I turned the channel, I became very interested in a true movie, on someone who had been sexually abused. As I sat there, I became more intrigued with what I was watching, until out of the blue, I felt very sad. These feelings of sadness came on so quickly that I did not even know how to respond to them and within minutes, I was sitting on our couch in tears. The tears seemed to come out of me, as though there was no way to turn them off. All I could think of was what was happening to me. I finally turned off the movie and as I sat there all alone, the memory began to resurface with full force and I just remember saying repeatedly... "Oh my God, I was sexually abused by my grandfather!" Once more the tears began to fall, as though they were tears of a grieving heart.

After Keith returned home from work, I asked him to sit down and talk with me because I wanted to share with him, what had happened that afternoon. As I began to tell him, you could see the surprised look on his face, as though both of our eyes had been opened for the first time, to what had been happening all along. At that time, I guess we both felt that the problem had been resolved, after knowing the reason, for all the anger and mood swings; so we just continued on with our lives...never knowing what was ahead of us.

As time continued to pass, there were more feelings surfacing, as though they were the tremors, from a major earthquake. I began to feel so depressed that I wanted to end my life. It was very odd because there was a part of me that wanted to commit suicide but at the same time, there was a strong force that was holding me back, from ending my life...never knowing at the time, that it was God. As these feelings became more intense, it got to the place, where I found it difficult to clean the house or even do a simple chore, such as making a bed. I was trying to remain strong on my own but this form of weakness was too heavy and I could feel it slowly taking me down.

One day, as I was attempting to make our bed, I found that I could not do it. I fell to the floor and began to cry uncontrollably, as I looked at the bed and said...I just can't do it. Keith walked into the room and I remember looking at him, with tear stained eyes, while I told him that I wasn't strong enough to make the bed. He consoled me and we talked, until finally I was able to get back on my feet and make the bed. This experience only became the beginning, of other moments of struggle, as I continued to feel the weight of my problem, as it was slowly causing me to mentally collapse.

After seeing that the symptoms of my past problem of abuse wasn't getting better, Keith and I decided to seek some Christian counseling, so I could get some help and relief, from what I was going through. After only several sessions, I felt as though I wasn't getting any better. One day, while Keith was at work, I was really having a down day, so I decided to call and see if I could talk to my counselor over the phone. As I talked to his secretary, I was so tired and drained from what I was experiencing that she thought that I had taken some pills and was committing suicide; so she called 911. As I was finishing our talk, I heard the sound of not only one siren but many sirens. All of a sudden, a knock came to our door and as I looked out the window, there were a line of police cars, an ambulance and a fire truck, with paramedics down our street. That seemed to be the end for me, as I once more began to sob uncontrollably. The first thought that came to my mind, was, what were my neighbors thinking. In fact, as I opened the door to the policeman, one of our neighbors that lived behind us came running up to the porch in tears, as she wanted to come in so badly and be with me but the policeman felt it was not the right time. As I began to talk to the policeman, he told me that he had received a 911 call, informing them that I had possibly taken some pills and that I may have attempted to commit suicide. As I tried to convince him otherwise, he walked in and said, Diane, let's sit down and talk for a minute; so he came into my living room and we began to talk. After talking for a short while, I came to find out that the policeman was a Christian and that all he wanted to do was help me. I began to calm down...never realizing at the time; that God had stepped in and used this policeman to be there for me; at a time, when I needed someone the most.

As we continued to visit, the policeman asked me who my counselor was and if I had a phone number, where they could call and get some help for me, so I gave him the name of the counselor and his phone number and he went into the other room and made the call. After the policeman returned to the living room, he knelt down by me and mentioned that after talking to my counselor, that they did not feel that they could handle what I was experiencing and that I would need further counseling, so the policeman talked with me about having someone from social services come out to the house. He also continued to reassure me that there was hope and that my life would get better in God's timing. I remember how much of an inspiration that policeman was to me that day and I will never forget him. After finally convincing me that this would be the right thing to do, he made another phone call and within a short time, a lady came to the door from social services to talk with me. I remember that she was a very loving and compassionate woman and wasn't what I had first imagined to be. As we talked, she suggested that I go to the hospital and be admitted to their psychiatric wing for counseling and to also have a complete lab work up, to check the levels of the fluid around my brain. Keith was still at work, so there was no way for me to get there, so she offered to take me and have Keith meet us at the hospital, so after an hour or two of talk, I agreed to go.

Just after arriving at the hospital, we were just about to get on the elevator and Keith showed up. I could see the worry on his face, as he came up to me. Once the social worker talked with Keith and explained everything that had taken place, she took us up to the floor, where they would admit me. As I walked through the double doors, all I thought about was what this psychiatric floor would be like. In fact, this is the last place that I would have imagined myself to be. As Keith and I sat down at a table, with a male nurse, I remember my head was pounding and the more questions he asked, the worse I felt; so they decided to take me to my room. As we entered my room, I couldn't help but notice that they were locking the door behind us. At this time, I immediately began to ask why and they mentioned that I was in a locked unit because they felt that I could possibly be suicidal. I began to feel as though I had made the wrong decision and I wanted to go home but it was too late because Keith had already signed the forms, for me to be admitted. This was during the month of December and Christmas was drawing closer, so at that point, I felt as though I would not be home for Christmas.

After getting set up in bed, a doctor that had been assigned to me came in the room and I remember lying on the bed, with no emotion, as he walked up to me. It seemed as though any feeling I had left within me, was now totally gone and at this point, I had now entered a prison cell of despair. I remember his kind voice, as he reached out his hand to me but as I lied there, I couldn't even find the strength to reach back and shake his hand. As he continued to talk with me, he said..."Diane, we are going to help you and a time will come, when you will be able to shake my hand" and then he left the room. From that time on, my time at the hospital seemed to become more difficult; at least from my stand point. I remember a time, when they allowed me to sit out in the lobby with Keith and after he had left to go home; I began to think that I would never get out of this place. At this time, all hope had left me and even though I was a Christian, I felt that God was allowing me to go down to my weakest point, so that He could rise up in my place.

As the doctor and nurses (counselors) began to create a plan to help me, they began by taking some blood samples, to test the fluid around my brain and as the results came back, they came to realize that due to a long period of depression, that my brain fluid levels were low, so they began to put me on medication, to help raise the levels of fluid around the brain. Once they got me started on the medication, it was time for counseling. They also found out that I enjoyed crafts, so they placed me in a craft program, to help boost my self-esteem and to this day, I still have the small floral brooms on my living room wall, as a reminder...as to how far I have come.

Once the counseling began, I was taken out of the locked unit and they moved me into a regular room, where I was assigned to a nurse (counselor) on a one to one basis and we would sit and talk an hour a day. I also had a male nurse counselor, who would come in my room and talk with me, on a regular basis, to see how I was doing from time to time. I remember a particular day, when he came in and at that time, I had felt that he was probing me too much about my past. I remember telling him that I was going to report him to the doctor...never realizing at the time; that he was just doing his job. As I look back on this moment, I see that all I was doing was trying to escape the pain that I was feeling deep within.

As the counseling sessions became more intense, all I could think about was escaping these painful moments of my past. I remember a day, when Keith was coming up to see me and I had planned on talking with him about going home. At the time, I knew that Keith would give in out of love for me and help me and I guess I also felt that this would be my last resort or what I thought was hope. As Keith walked into the room, I told him that I wanted to go home and would he talk to the doctor about this for me. As he looked at me, I could see that he was having trouble talking with me and within a short time, he said that he had signed a form, stating that he would not get involved but rather allow them to help me. When he told me this, I blew up and began to beat on the walls of my room with my fists. What I was experiencing for the moment, was the feeling that I had lost all control over my life and that the only person, whom I felt had understood my problem, had now become my enemy...never realizing at the time that all Keith was trying to do, was help me. Within a short time, the male counselor that was assigned to my room came running in and wanted to know what was going on, so we told him. After a long talk, with him and Keith, I calmed down and decided to stay. I realize now, that all I wanted to do at the time was to escape what was ahead of me, which were some very tender and painful moments that I had held in for so many years.

The days continued to pass by, until it was Christmas Eve. I remember pacing the halls, while some of the other patients were in the other room, singing Christmas carols and enjoying a Christmas Eve party. This would be Keith's and my first Christmas apart, which seemed to be adding salt to my open wounds. As I continued to pace the halls, my eyes began to fill up with tears. I felt so alone, as though this was the world I would live in forever. I began to feel as though I was experiencing the feelings of the child within me...the child that never expressed the hurt, pain and shame she went through, at such a young age.

The following morning, Keith called me and wished me a Merry Christmas. He wasn't allowed to bring gifts up to my room but they did give him permission to bring in some takeout, so he went driving around, to see if there was a restaurant open on Christmas Day. There was only one place open, which was serving a variety of food, so Keith went in and mentioned to the man in charge that I was in the hospital and that he would like to take me something special for Christmas dinner. The man immediately went and got some Styrofoam containers and told Keith to take what he wanted. When Keith had finished filling the containers, he went to pay and the man said, you both have a Merry Christmas and never charged Keith for the food. As I look back, I see how God was caring for two of His children, at a time when we needed Him the most.

After Keith left the restaurant, he came up to the hospital with the food and surprised me. Of course, the nurses had to inspect the food, so as they did that, I could hear them talking to Keith outside my room. They were so surprised, as to what Keith had done for me and I could tell that they were also interested in the food that he had brought up. After the nurses inspected the bag; Keith brought the food into my room. I had a small table and two chairs in the room, where I would sit and write down my feelings in a journal. I remember moving the chairs and table by the window, so we could look outside, while we ate and from there, Keith began to spread out all the food. The restaurant had even provided plates, napkins and plastic forks, knives and spoons. I will never forget that moment, as Keith and I sat down at the table together and celebrated Christmas. To some, this may not seem like a way to celebrate Christmas but as I look back on this moment, it ended up being the best Christmas I ever had with Keith because this was the beginning of a new life for me, even though I could not see it at the moment.

As Christmas came to an end, I continued to stay in the hospital, for 4-5 more days, until they felt I was able to go home and begin to prepare for outpatient counseling. The doctor had me on a daily schedule and instead of eating in my room, they began to have me eat in their dining area, so I could begin to interact with other people. After breakfast, I was assigned to a counselor for an hour, as a means of dealing more directly with the past. I guess they were also putting me to the test, to see when I was stable enough to go home and enter outpatient counseling. After counseling, I would go to a craft class. I was excited about this because I loved to do crafting at home. I remember entering a huge room, with tall metal tables and tall stools. There were boxes of craft items everywhere. I just stood for a moment in the room, with amazement and anticipated what was about to take place. The lady in charge talked with us and mentioned that this class would help us to feel, as though we could accomplish something and feel good about ourselves, which I hadn't felt in such a long time. I remember going over to one box and as I looked inside it, I saw some mini brooms that could be decorated and hung on a wall and since I was into the country décor at the time, I grabbed two of them and placed them in front of me. The lady noticed what I had chosen and came over and mentioned that they also had dried flowers and ribbon. As I approached the ribbon and dried flowers, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. It seemed as though there were all different colors of flowers and lots of printed ribbon, in country prints. At the time, our home was decorated in country blues, with some barn red, so I chose some dried flowers, in a federal blue color, along with some white baby's breath. After choosing the flowers, I found some ribbon, in a barn red, with a hint of federal blue, so I had her cut me some and I went over to my table and began to decorate the brooms. As I put each flower in place and began to tie the ribbon around the flowers, I began to feel that I was truly accomplishing something in my life, for the first time, in a long while. I believe it was at this point, when I also began to see a glimpse of hope. It amazes me, how God cares for His children, at a time when we are unable to care for ourselves.

After a short time, they had me collect my own daily dose of medication. The medication they had me on, was to help the brain, due to such a long time of depression, prior to being admitted to the hospital. Near the main lobby, of where I stayed, they had, what appeared to be a prescription counter, where they would have the patients go, to pick up their medications, rather than the nurse bringing the medication to the patient's room. I remember that we would have to know the name of what we were taking before they would give the medication to us. I believe that they were preparing the patients, to take responsibility, for the time, when we would leave the hospital. I remember standing in a long line each day, to get my dose of medication, as it was prescribed by the doctor.

As each day passed, the doctor began to have small counseling sessions with me, to see how I was progressing. If you remember, I mentioned earlier that when I was first admitted that I could not even talk with him, so even though I still had quite the road ahead of me, I was beginning to respond to the counseling and medication and everything seemed to be happening, according to God's time table. You know, we all wish we could overcome something quickly, especially when it's as painful as this but as I learned, God had a reason, for the time it took and as I look back, I can see where each part of this recovery became a baby step that brought me one step closer, to the plan that God had for my life. In other words, He wanted a heart that would never forget what He had allowed, so this same heart could feel the depth of another hurting heart and reach out to them, with Jesus's love.

Finally, the day came, when I would be going home, which added to the hope that had slowly begun to spring up within me. I never thought this day would come, as I mentioned earlier. As I spent my final session with my doctor, he mentioned that he could begin to see a turn around, from when I had first entered the hospital, with no emotion. I remember looking at him, as he spoke to me and after a short time of talking, he reached out his hand to shake mine and finally, after all I had been through, I could find a reason to reach back and shake his hand for the first time. He reminded me that this day would come and reassured me that after more counseling; a day would come, when I would be able to cope with my past, in a way that would bring my life back to me.

The symptoms of our problems, have a way of dictating negative thoughts to us that do not come from God and through these thoughts, it is Satan's intension, to take us further away from God but when we choose to take baby steps with God; then as time passes, the whole plan and design for our life will begin to unfold and we will come to see how God exchanges the "thorn of affliction," for a "cross of hope."

Chapter 5

The Work Begins

The day had finally arrived, when I would be going home. I was so excited but at the same time, I was feeling a little hesitant about leaving. After all, this place had finally become a safe haven, for me to feel protected, from experiencing any other hurt or pain in my life.

I still had one more counseling session before leaving the hospital, so I completed that and then it was time for me to pack my things and prepare to go home. Keith had just arrived, as I was finishing my counseling session, so he helped me pack and get ready and then I went around and said my good-byes. The people that I had feared the most, when I was admitted to the hospital, ended up being the ones that God used, to begin my journey away from the pain and heartache of my past, so I could press on and serve the purpose that God had planned for my life.

After being in the hospital for two weeks, I was now facing the beginning of a new life at home. It was New Year's Eve and even though I felt more stable, from all the work I had accomplished at the hospital, I knew that I had my work cut out for me, as I would soon be entering outpatient counseling. The doctor still had me on medication, for the imbalance of fluid levels in my brain and now I was about to start the real work, with a group of other women, who had also been sexually abused as a child.

My doctor was able to sign me up with a Christian counseling organization, since I had mentioned that I wanted some form of Christian counseling. I found out that I would have to go to group counseling once a week and even though that may not seem like much to you; it is to someone who is dealing with a lot of past heartache. I will never forget the first time Keith took me for an interview with the counselor, before the sessions even began. Since I hadn't been out of my home, before being admitted to the hospital, this became a huge step for me, as though I was sitting on one step and looking high up, to where I was supposed to be.

As I entered the counselor's office, I remember a lady who had a lot of compassion for what I was going through at the time, which helped me to relax and focus on what was before me. I was not only dealing with a past sexual abuse but also a dysfunctional family life, which made my problems seem too overwhelming for the moment. One thing I remember; was that she talked with me for a while and asked me questions about my family life as a child. One thing she did mention to me that I will never forget, while I was in her office; was that God knows the right time, to deal with deep hearted problems from the past and she also mentioned that she felt that this was God's time, to work in my life and mend what had been broken and held within, for so many years.

Once I had been interviewed, the weekly counseling sessions began. I remember feeling such dread, as I entered this group of other women, who had been sexually abused as well. For the time, I wasn't thinking about how they understood my pain or how I understood theirs but rather, I was just struggling to get through the dreaded moments I would have to face. At this time, I realize that I wasn't completely focused on God because I had my mind so fixed on what was taking place around me but as I overcame the first couple counseling sessions, I felt as though God was beginning to work with my heart and fill my mind with an idea that would sustain me, as His way of comforting me. At home, I had a Bible called "The Book" and in the front cover of this Bible, there were different headings, such as agitation, depression, discouragement, fear, frustration, insecurity, loneliness, low self-esteem, and pain. Before going to counseling, I would look under the heading that I was experiencing at the time and would memorize a Bible verse under this heading and take it with me as a tool, to encourage myself, while dealing with the deep and shameful pain of the past. I also felt that this would be a way of taking God with me, so I wouldn't feel so alone. I remember a specific time, while going through counseling, when the difficult moments of dealing with the past became too much for me to cope with. After a friend of mine had dropped me off, after this particular session, I remember coming home and going upstairs to my bedroom and hugging the post of the bed, as I sat there alone, while Keith was at work. After a short time, I began to cry uncontrollably, to the place where I couldn't take it anymore. Within a short time, I began to feel as though God had wrapped His arms around me, as I sat there alone on the bed. I began to feel His presence for the first time, as His love chiseled through the tough exterior of my heart. As I looked off to the side of where I was sitting, I saw my study bible and as I opened it up, it was as if God was pointing a particular verse out to me and the verse I read was in Psalm 34:18a, which reads... "The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking..." I knew at that time, that God was truly walking through this difficult journey with me.

As the counseling continued on, I was assigned to write a letter to my grandfather and express all my feelings that I felt from the past but this would not be a letter that I would mail out but rather a letter to read later in the group. I had mentioned to my counselor that I was having a difficult time dealing with the past because my grandfather was no longer living, so she told me to continue writing the letter and then she would have me read it within a week or so, from when I had written it; so I did as she had asked me to do. After a week or so, she placed a chair in front of me, while all of us women sat in a circle. She looked at me and said, Diane, in this chair is your grandfather. Now I want you to read your letter, as though he is alive and sitting in this chair. As I began to read each word that I had previously written on the paper, I began to read words that I didn't even recognize. It was as if all of the deep hidden feelings had been directly etched from my heart, onto this piece of paper. As I sat there and imagined my grandfather in this chair, I began to weep uncontrollably, as all the anger and heartache began to surface even more. The one thing I thought about at the time, was that I never knew one person could hold in so many feelings but I guess that as time goes by, each deep hearted feeling becomes like a brick and over time, these bricks of heartache begin to stack and form a wall; so in order to press on with life, the wall has to be taken down, brick by brick.

As I continued to journey onward with God, through the weeks of counseling that lay ahead, I found that knowing in my heart that God had an unconditional love for me, made it easier for me to get through the difficult moments of counseling. Through time, I found that even though others in my life had walked away from me, during a time, when I could have used their love and support the most; it was God's love that always remained. I believe that we never find God because we never look for Him and as I look at my study Bible now, since those moments of intense counseling, which was twenty eight years ago, I see a Bible that is worn and barely holding together and I know without a doubt that these worn pages of my Bible are proof that God was with me, as we connected at a time, when all hope had been lost. In Romans 8:35-39, we read... "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, "For thy sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered. But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." At a time, when I felt that all hope was gone, God came along and showed me that He was stronger than my weakness. I came to see that no matter how much deep pain I had within me, there was no way that it could separate me, from the love of a powerful God. We can feel as though we are being destroyed inwardly, by moments such as these but as I continued to walk with God, through the very trying moments of counseling, I found that my sexual abuse was not out to destroy me but rather it was just a wound and I needed God to heal the depth of this wound, within my heart.

As I went deeper and deeper into my counseling, I was facing one brick wall that just wouldn't seem to come down. Since my grandfather had passed away, before the memory of the abuse began to surface, I began to feel as though he had the easy way out, while all the pain and hurt of the past was dumped into my lap. How could I forgive someone who had never asked for forgiveness? I began to feel that if I couldn't find a way for this wall to come down; then how would I ever be able to press on with my life. This wall that was standing before me began to seem too tall and the more I tried to bring it down on my own; the more frustrating it became. I began to feel trapped, as though I was caught in a wedge, between what had taken place and where I was headed. I had journeyed so far, only to find another brick wall standing before me.

As I continued to do my best to not give up, there were days when I could not see anything good before me. I felt as though I had been caught in a thick fog of circumstance and could no longer feel the sunshine of God's presence close by. The wilderness of despair only seemed to take me in circles, until the day, when God gave me some words of hope, which I had written in the back cover of my Bible. On January 4, 1989, these were the words that God gave me... "I will take you through the wilderness...I will take you through the storms; I will take you through the valleys and if you trust Me, the victory can be yours." After jotting down this passage, God began to work with my thoughts and I could see a picture within my mind, of a deep dark wilderness and in this wilderness, I was the only one there, while everything around me seemed to be like a dense fog. Every time I began to press on, I just found myself back to where I had first begun, which was by a large tree but then God spoke to my spirit and said... "Diane, look up to the heavens and I will be your sunshine by day and your moonlight by night and if you will trust me and follow my lead, then I will bring you out of this wilderness and I will bring down the walls that have kept you from moving forward in your life and when we come out of the wilderness together, I will give you my strength and we will journey to the mountain top and I will show you how far you have come. Even to this day, when I reminisce back on this moment in my life, I stand in awe, of a powerful presence that took the time to walk into my life and come down to my level and He not only came to me, at a time I needed Him the most but He provided the footsteps for me to walk in, so I wouldn't have to journey alone.

One point I would like to make in this book, is that sometimes we have to experience pain before gain. In other words, when we experience some form of pain in our lives, then these moments bring us down to a place, where we can either fight the circumstance and try to make it work on our own or we can allow this place, to become a place of humbleness, before a mighty God...a god that is stronger than any powerful form of weakness. When we choose to become humble, through our moments of adversity, then God can take the painful moments in our lives and work towards exchanging them, for a piece of Him...something that can bring us back up, with new strength and new growth.

Even though I had moments of heartache; God would show me from time to time, how far we had traveled together and that seemed to give me strength for the difficult moments that still laid ahead of me. Instead of concentrating, on how much further I had to travel, I began to realize that I had to allow God to empty me completely of the past, so there could be room for Him to work in my life. At this time in my life, I began to see my mind as a file box and as I looked deep within the pages of each file, I could see a lot of clutter and the files needed to be rearranged and put back in order and through time, God taught me how to rearrange the files of my past, so that there would be room, for new files that would produce better memories.

As I continued on in my counseling, I realized that I had to let go of the abuse somehow, so this strong wall in front of me could come down. I began to feel a need to return home; to see if this would bring some relief to my thoughts. For some reason, I knew that if I could go back in time, with God, then maybe I could find the point, where I stopped living, so I could leave the abused child behind and get to know the adult that remained hidden within me. As these thoughts continued to come to me, I began to discuss this with my counselor, which was later brought up in the group and as we discussed this more, she felt it was time for me to return home.

After making the decision to go home, I attended one more counseling session, before Keith and I would head home for a week or so. The counselor had purchased a stuffed bear and all the women, including the counselor, had given the bear a hug and then they handed the bear over to me. My counselor talked with me before I left the group session and asked me to take the bear with me, so that during the difficult moments, I would feel connected to the group.

I believe that at this point, I was beginning to see the words of hope that God had recently given to me, come to past, as we continued to journey through the wilderness together and as the trip back home was getting closer, I was feeling a deep need to go back to the home, where I grew up and also visit the grave of my grandfather. I needed to go back in time and find a way to close the past once and for all but as God began to take me down a different pathway, I knew that this pathway would take me to a place in time, where I could allow Him to pick up the broken pieces of the past, so that I could journey on, into new and better things...the things that God had planned for me, since the day I was born.

So as the journey continues; another chapter of my life begins and as I'm thinking about going back home, my desire is to close this painful book of the past that has been opened for so long. In I Corinthians 5:7a, it says... "Clean out the old leaven, that you may be a new lump" and in II Corinthians 5:17b it says... "The old things are passed away; behold new things have come." These verses became a reminder to me that it was time to let go of the past, so that I could journey on a new pathway...a pathway that would lead me to the place that God longed for me to be.

Chapter 6

The Journey Back

As time drew closer, to when we would head home, Keith and I were lacking funds to go back, since we had accumulated a lot of expense, with the cost of the hospital and counseling bills but somehow in my heart, I knew that God would take care of all the details, if we were willing to meet Him halfway there, with a heart of faith.

At the time, I wanted Keith to be there with me, as a means of support and we wanted to take our van, so in this way, we would have control, of where we wanted to go, without depending on family members to take us to different places. I remember talking to my father on the phone and saying to him that we would need a miracle from God, before I could come home.

One day, Keith and I were coming home from a walk and a person seemed to stand out in my mind, until an overwhelming feeling came over me, to give them a call. As Keith and I were walking up the porch, I mentioned to Keith, about what I was feeling and did he feel that it would be the right thing to do. After discussing this for a short time, we decided to make the call. As I called, I was a little nervous because I had never done anything like this before. In fact, one of the first things that crossed my mind was what if they didn't believe my story and what I had been through. As the phone began to ring on their end, all of a sudden, I heard a voice say hello. From that moment on, God seemed to be placing each word within my thoughts and as I continued on with the conversation, I heard...would $1200 be enough. I felt as though I was about to drop the phone. As we continued on with our conversation, I said that would be fine and I thanked them. The amount was exactly what we needed. This had not only been a special gift from them but God was also providing a way, when there seemed to be no way, at one time. In Matthew 6:8b, we read... "...for your Father knows what you need, before you ask Him." At this time, God was showing me, in His own way that everything was going to be alright.

After the final plans had been made, Keith and I began the journey back to Michigan, where I was born. As we traveled from Washington State, to Michigan, I kept a journal, which will be in the next chapter of this book. After arriving in Michigan, Keith and I had made plans to stay with my parents. When we arrived, it was Easter Sunday and my grandmother had pretty well invited herself over for Easter dinner. As I began to get out of the van, my Dad came out of the house and ran to tell us that she was there. I knew that I couldn't face her because she was the wife of my abuser. As I stood there greeting my Dad, at an occasion, when it should have been a happy time; I was falling apart, with tears streaming down my face. As Keith and my Dad began to console me, Keith thought it would be better, if we were to go out and get something to eat, until after she returned home, so we did.

After we were finished eating, Keith and I took a drive out to the cemetery where my grandfather was buried. I told Keith that I wanted to go alone to his grave, so he waited for me in our van. As I approached my grandfather's grave, I began to feel a huge amount of anger swelling up within me. I had enough anger in me that when I began to push on my grandfather's tombstone; I actually was able to move the stone. I remember standing there and asking him why he had done such a thing to me; then I took some mud and crossed out his name on the stone. I thought that after getting all the anger out that I would feel better but I didn't.

Later, my husband took me to the house where I first lived, as a very young child. This was the place where my grandfather had sexually abused me. As we approached the little house that seemed so big to me as a child, I got out of the van and walked to the door. As I began knocking on the door, a real nice lady answered. I explained to her that when I was a child my grandfather had molested me in this house. I mentioned to her that my husband and I had come all the way from Washington State, so I could deal with the problem. Then I asked her if it would be alright for me to come in and sit for a minute. She told me that a cousin of hers had been going through the same thing and she understood; then she said that I could come in. She let me walk into the living room, where the molestation had occurred. As I sat down, I could picture the layout of the room as it was when I was a child. I began to relive those awful moments, as I sat there in tears. Somehow I knew that God was leading me back here for a reason. I felt as though I was grieving the lost memory from my past. Within a few minutes, the lady came to see if I was alright. I told her that I was alright, and as I began to leave the room, I thanked her for letting me into her home.

Once Keith and I had left the home, where I used to live as a child, we headed back to my parents. We knew that by then, my grandmother had probably gone back home. There was a part of me that felt so sad for her and for not spending some time with her but I knew that I wasn't strong enough to face her, especially since she hadn't been told, of what had happened. It seemed as though everything in my life had been a secret, as I lived in a world of my own.

As we entered my parent's driveway, I knew that this would not be an ordinary visit. To me, it was becoming a bitter-sweet visit, as a part of me wanted to spend time with my family but yet I knew what I was here to do. That evening, my younger brother came over to see us but I could not come out of my room. My dad began to tell him what had happened but he seemed to be in a state of denial. At that time, I was becoming so overwhelmed with the whole day that I walked out on everyone and began to walk down the road. I didn't know where I was headed but at that time, it didn't seem to matter. I remember that Keith came running up to me, and wanted to talk but by the time he had reached me, I was speechless, due to the overwhelming feelings that were taking over my heart and mind at the time; so Keith just walked quietly with me, until I was finally able to tell him what was on my mind. I told him that I didn't know if I could face this situation anymore and I had actually felt as though I had regressed, within this short time. He began to console me and encourage me that the next day would look different, after a good night of rest, so we walked back to the house and I got around and went to bed.

As I woke up the next morning, it seemed as though the feelings from the night before, were beginning to pick up, from where they had left off. As I sat alone and began to think about everything that was happening, I began to realize that I was trying to work this situation out on my own, instead of allowing God to lead the way. You know, it's so easy to want to do everything on our own. I guess I was thinking that I would be able to escape some of the pain and find an instant healing but as I soon found out, it doesn't always work that way. I had to come to the realization that God was the only One, who knew the way, out of this dark and dismal wilderness I was in.

As we were approaching the end of our visit, I still was feeling a lot of emotions, so I decided to make one more final trip to the cemetery. Before leaving the house, Keith and I sat down and discussed a lot of what was happening with my parents. The grandfather that sexually abused me was my father's dad, so my father wanted to ask me some questions about the abuse. As my parents began to talk with me, I found myself starring out the window, as I was feeling drained from a difficult visit already. As we continued to visit, my dad asked me if I would like them to go to the cemetery with us and at first, I agreed to have them come along but as the conversation continued, I felt that maybe I wouldn't be able to fully deal with the situation, while they were there. Don't get me wrong...I love my parents but we also had some dysfunction in the family as I grew up and I never felt that I was free to express my feelings. I also felt that God wanted me alone with Him, so Keith and I went alone.

As Keith and I approached the cemetery for the final visit, I could feel God working with me. He began to show me that I needed to mentally bury all the pain with the one who had hurt me, so I began to do so. As I began to bury every painful moment, I felt like a very heavy load had been taken off my back. For each moment of pain I buried, God began to replace the painful feelings with His peace. From there, I knew that I would have to forgive my grandfather. If I wanted God to forgive my sins, then I would have to find a way to forgive him too. From that moment, I started to feel pity for my grandfather instead of anger...knowing that one day, he would have to stand before God and be judged for what he had done. As I sat on a nearby stump...not far from his grave, I began to sing, "I surrender all...I surrender all; all to thee, my blessed Savior, I surrender all." As I finished singing, I began to give all the anger and lack of forgiveness over to God, so He could nail all of my feelings to His cross, where once He died to set us free. As I got up from the stump, I slowly walked back to the van...never to look back and as I left the cemetery I cried because for the first time, I had finally been set free, from the heavy burden that had become my life, for so many years.

Later, I came to find out that others had been sexually abused too, within the family. In fact, one of them was sexually abused in the cemetery, where my grandfather used to work the graveyard shift. For the longest time, I had a hard time figuring out, why a God of love, could sit back and watch this happen but through time, I came to realize that He had not afflicted me with this deep pain but He was allowing something that evil had already brought into my life, as a means of using this broken and painful experience, to bring about a new heart and accomplish the plan that He had for my life. I also came to realize too, that we live in an imperfect world and people make wrong choices. If God always stepped in and made the choices for us, then we would never experience lessons learned or new growth within our lives and we would never know what it was like, to experience God's strength. Just as God had to turn His head, for one moment of satisfaction, as His only Son, Jesus Christ died on the cross, for the sins of this world; there may be times, when He has to turn His head away, for one moment of satisfaction, so that He can turn what seems to be a moment of defeat, into a moment of victory, due to the evil that once entered our lives.

Your circumstance may not be the same as mine or you may not have a husband or friend that's supportive but when you allow God to be your best friend, He will work with you and be a counselor to you, that's supportive and loving, at a time when you need that the most and He will work everything out, in a way that will allow victory to enter; into what seemed to be a defeated life.

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28"

Chapter 7

The Journal

In this chapter, you will become a part of my recovery, as I share a very special journal with you...the journal I kept, while I traveled from Washington State to Michigan, along with a letter I wrote, to my child within. I will first begin, by sharing my feelings with you, as I wrote a letter to my child within, during the year of 1990.

December 1, 1990

Dear Child within...

Right now, there is a little girl inside this big body and she's wearing a white blouse and a blue pleated skirt and she has short bangs. She's afraid and she's feeling hurt and alone. She's crying out for help but no one will listen and this child is me.

I'm finding that I'm too small, for this adult body because I never grew and I'm still a child. At one time, I was deeply hurt and that confused me, so I said, I can't continue to grow any more, until I figure this out. After some time, other hurts piled on top of me, which made it even more difficult to grow up. All I could think of, was...I just can't move on anymore. I feel as if I should grow up overnight, to catch up with this body of mine but now I'm saying, slow down, I'm only six years old and I'm not strong enough yet.

I sure enjoy having you (the six year old) around, to make me feel safe, but I know now that I have to grow up and become an adult. Now that I have found you within me, I realize why I can't be a wife to my husband because I haven't fully grown up, but once I grow up and I reach adulthood, then I can be the wife, my husband expects me to be.

It's time to open the book that was once closed and put on a shelf and I'm realizing that it's time to start living. Where to begin...I don't quite know that yet but please don't give up because you've got a lot to learn that you missed out on, over the years.

This child that I am, is sometimes afraid of the dark and she holds her head in shame, when she does something wrong. I am afraid that no one will ever love me in the right way but yet, at the same time, I long to be held and hugged, like a child who is first born and cradled in her mother's arms. Yes, I am beginning to see little Diane for the first time. Seems as though she's come to mind, from time to time but now I'm seeing her clearly. She's someone who is shy and she doesn't know if she can grow up because if she does, then maybe she won't be the right person. Even though she's feeling a little discouraged, she wants to see who Diane really is, just like a new mother wonders what her child will become.

At this time, I am also seeing Diane, as someone who is very insecure and doesn't trust those around her. She always needs to hear that someone loves her, because if she doesn't, then maybe she will find that she is all alone in the world. Now that I see Diane, for whom she really is, I've got to find a way to help her grow up and become as one, with her body.

The tears that fall from these eyes are tears that have been held inside this six year old child, for a long time and now they are being shed from within. The one thing I desire the most right now, is to look at pictures, during the time I was abused, so I can see if the pain was really there at the time. This may also help me to know where to begin again, from where I left off so many years ago. I am already feeling understanding and wisdom, as it's entering this small mind of mine and now I'm waiting to see what happens next.

These were some of the feelings I felt, even before entering the hospital. Take a look within your heart and find the child within, for those who have been abused and allow that part of you to open up, so you can begin to work on your healing. Until you are totally honest with yourself and the feelings that you may have kept hidden over the years; you will never be able to deal with the abuse and move on with your life.

As I continue, here is the journal I kept, while traveling back to my hometown in Michigan. At this time, God was allowing me to walk back into the past with Him, as a means of a total healing. I hope this will be of help to you, during your own recovery from abuse.

Friday, March 28, 1991

Keith and I left for Lapeer, Michigan, on Thursday March 27, 1991. This is now Friday and I've been feeling a little agitated, especially when I look at the map and realize that I am getting closer to my destination. This has been a huge step for me because I had rarely left my home, other than for counseling. Over the years, I had made my home, my safe haven, where I didn't have to live up to any other person's expectations, other than my own. There have been times today, when my nerves were working overtime, to the point I felt sick.

Saturday, March 30, 1991

We have been traveling now, for several days and have now entered Minnesota. It's already been a long trip and as we stopped at a motel, within 10 miles from Lansing, Michigan, reality is beginning to kick in, as I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm hoping that I can get some good rest tonight before we head to my parent's home tomorrow.

Sunday, March 31, 1991

It's Easter Sunday and we have just arrived in my hometown, of Lapeer Michigan at around 1:00pm. We got to my parent's house and my Dad ran out to tell me that my grandma, the wife of my abuser had invited herself over for dinner. At that moment, I completely lost it and had to leave, so Keith and I left, to eat somewhere else. I just couldn't face my grandma that day! I knew that if she saw me upset, then she would want to know what was happening and I just couldn't share what had happened to me, at that time.

After Keith and I left my parent's home, we went to get a bite to eat. After we were finished, we still had some time, so I asked Keith to take me over, to the house, where I was raised as a young child. After arriving there, the house that seemed much larger as a child appeared very small to me. As I got out of our van, I started to walk across the lawn and an older man said... "Are you one of the Hiltz girls? I couldn't believe it! A relative, of one of our neighbors still lived next door. After talking with him for a minute, I walked up to the door of the house, where I once lived and knocked on the door. A very nice lady answered and I told here where I was from and that I had come back, due to my past and as we talked a little more, she mentioned that her cousin was going through the same thing and that she wouldn't mind if I came into the house. As I walked into her home, I noticed a few changes. In some ways, it was difficult to get the feel of the home, due to a loft that wasn't there before and a few other changes but the feeling of what took place in this home began to come alive within me. The lady asked if I would like to be alone for a few minutes and I told her that would be nice, so she left the room and as I looked around the living room, where the abuse took place; the feelings that I once felt as a child began to overwhelm me to tears but I think it was one of the best things for me, as this became a cleansing, from within. Within a short time, the lady returned to see if I was alright and then we said our good-byes, as I thanked her for her hospitality.

After leaving the little house that I had begun my life in, we decided to take a drive out to the cemetery and visit my grandfather's grave. As I viewed my grandfather's grave, for the first time, in a very long time, it seemed as though all the feelings that had been held in, for so many years began to erupt, like a volcano. As the anger and hurt began to surface, I kicked his headstone and the pine grave blanket that was on his grave and yelled a lot and cried, then I walked a way for the time being and then Keith and I left to go to my parent's home.

Monday, April 1, 1991

Well, today is Monday and I'm not forgetting what I'm here for. Today I just need a little break, so I'm only going to visit with my family. Yesterday was a big day and tomorrow I plan on going back to the cemetery because I need to find a way to release more of these awful feelings within me. From there, I plan on taking it one day at a time.

Right now, I've got feelings of pain and feelings of being tied to my past life and I'm feeling as though my life is being tugged on. I want to be free and live for me but somehow I'm being dragged back, which is making this situation much more difficult. I find myself watching and on the alert, as to what is happening to me at this moment, so I don't go back a step, to the old ways and lose out on all I've learned, as a means of moving forward.

At this time, I'm also experiencing some mixed feelings. I know that I need to get some of these feelings out but I'm also anxious to go back home. Maybe I'm coming to the point of separating myself from my abuser or maybe I just want to go back to my safe haven and escape all these painful feelings. Yesterday, when I stood at my grandfather's grave, I actually felt that he was there and that I finally was gaining control over the situation. I was actually able to express myself, without him interfering.

Today, I also found out, as I talked with my parents that there had been two others, who had been sexually abused within the family too. Sad to say, knowing this has actually helped me because I now can say without a doubt that this really happened. Today, I am beginning to see that I cannot change people and they cannot change me....that some people have their ways and they may never be the way I expect them to be, like they can't expect me to be the way they are. I am myself and I can't be no other way...I am me!

Tuesday, April 2, 1991

Today, I began my day by taking some time to be alone and think. Last night, I had a pretty rough night, as my mind was continually thinking over and over about my abuse, as it seemed to be going over and over again within my thoughts.

Today, my mom was actually very supportive to me. I'm sure that she felt bad about what had taken place and maybe she was holding in some guilt, for not protecting me from this situation. She asked me to go upstairs with her and make a basket. It turned out great and she called it my victory basket. It was a good feeling of accomplishment. At a time, when I wasn't feeling like life was worth it all, I made something beautiful and my feelings began to change. If I could just remember this moment, then it would give me strength, for the days that still were ahead of me.

Wednesday, April 3, 1991

Well, the day is just starting and I feel as though I'm back to escaping what I'm here for. New feelings are surfacing, as I feel like I have to do everything to please my family. I know that I can't let people manipulate me but it seems so hard to break the ties that are binding me down. I'm beginning to feel as though this trip is suffocating me. Everyone is expecting too much of me or is it me that is allowing this? I'm confused. This trip was supposed to be for me, as a means of helping me but now I feel like I have to fit in time for my husband's family and my mom and dad, who is making me feel a little overwhelmed right now. If this would have never happened, I wouldn't even be experiencing all this confusion right now. I'm feeling as though I am being pulled in different directions, to do this...do that...to go here...go there. Right now, I just want to help me. I feel like yelling, "Help!"

As we went into the afternoon, Keith took me out to the cemetery once more. It was something because Sunday, when I had been out here, I told my grandfather that he didn't deserve a grave blanket, after all the pain he had caused and today, as I went to the cemetery, the grave blanket was gone. Again, the feelings we surfacing and the anger I felt caused me to kick his grave stone again. I also walked on his grave and told him that I had no respect for him, as my grandfather...after all, how could he have done something like this, to his own grand-daughter. As more anger came forth, I dug my heels in the ground, around his grave, and then I took some mud on my finger and rubbed it across his first name, on the grave stone. I crossed his name out, I guess because it gave me a feeling of separation from him. I also told him that I would never acknowledge him, within myself, as my grandfather again. From there, I told him that his actions had greatly affected my whole life and marriage. After about a half hour of this, I just turned around and walked away from him...never to even speak the word "good-bye."

After Keith and I left the cemetery, we went for a ride alone, until we eventually ended up back at my parents. After entering their driveway, I sat in the van; all upset and angry because I was beginning to feel as though everyone in my family was covering this up, through jokes and laughter.

After a few minutes of silence, Keith went into my parent's home and talked with them, while I remained in the van. Then, after a few minutes, my dad came out to the van, to talk with me. I didn't know how to talk with him, at the moment. I guess I was struggling with this because his father was the one that had sexually abused me. As he continued to talk with me, he asked me to come into the house, so we all could sit down and talk it through. He even cancelled their plans, so I went in the house with him. They asked me if there was anything in particular that I wanted to talk about. I told them that there was no way I was going to make it. As we continued further into the conversation; Keith and my Mom and Dad all agreed that I was putting the guilt on myself, rather than the one who had did this to me. I said, "No I'm not...I don't see it that way. Why do all of you see it that way?" My dad and I came to realize through our visit that I may be doing this because my grandfather had died and that he wasn't here to say he did it and that I am taking what he left behind and I am putting it on myself, instead of giving it back to him. In other words, I am continuing on, from where he left off, rather than allowing this to die with him in the grave and by doing this; I am taking the situation from him continually, while I'm allowing the circumstance, to slowly destroy me. I realize now, that until I give this back to him, the past will continue to beat me up. I've got to go back again to my grandfather's grave and bury this abuse and the past with him and I just know now that if I do, then I will be free, from this pain in my life. I realize now that I have been allowing the feelings from the abuse to continually grow and blossom but now it's time to let it die.

Thursday, April 4, 1991

After all I had been through the day before, I had a bad night. I guess I was feeling a bit overwhelmed from the previous day, so I took some time alone, to think on all that I had discovered the day before.

Friday, April 5, 1991

Felt pretty much the pits this morning; until I sat down to write. I've discovered something new that may help me, so I'm planning on going to my grandfather's grave and when I go, I'm going to take my husband with me to the gravesite. In days past, I have been going alone but today, I would like to stand hand in hand, as we both give the past back to my grandfather...the one who sexually abused me. The reason why I want Keith to go with me is because this abuse has not only affected my life but his life too. I know there will be more work for me to do, with God's help but for the first time; I can see this as a good start, towards my healing.

I am a Christian and God is showing me that I have to let Him run my life, rather than the abuse. He can give me life, where my abuser only gave me pain and heartache. I have felt lately, as though I have been living death, with my abuser, rather than life. I just know that if I go one more time to his grave, then I can come out of this darkness and live again. Writing in this journal has helped me a lot because I not only lay out my feelings on paper but when I go back and read my thoughts again, I am truly seeing all that has been weighing heavily upon me, for so long.

Today, I give full credit to Jesus, who leads and directs my life. My wish and prayer, when I leave, is to not feel sad but to feel a new beginning in my life, as I go back to my home. I am also realizing today that I can say no to something and feel at peace. I have always worn myself out; doing everything others wanted and expected of me. My dad told me how his parents expected the same from him and he said some people may not like him, for what he does but it is his decision and that

is what makes him at peace with himself. I've got to realize that I am miserable and exhausted because I'm trying to please others, rather than living for myself, due to a fear of rejection.

Later that afternoon, Keith and I went back to the cemetery. When we got there, I was determined to do what I was there for. I actually began to feel pity for my grandfather, for the first time, as I approached the grave site. I told my grandfather that he had left the abuse with me, when he died, by not standing up and dealing with what went wrong in the family. After saying this, I was still feeling confused, as to how I would learn to forgive him, since he was no longer living. How could I forgive someone who never said he was sorry?

I remember the moment when my Grandfather died and I cried uncontrollably. At first, I thought that I was feeling relief but now I see that I was crying because deep within, I knew that I was going to have to carry this abuse alone. So while I was at the grave site, I told him that I was going to give everything back to him and bury it with him, where it belonged.

As I stood near the grave, I also realized that I had been in a grave of depression; along beside him...not wanting to live but only to die. I told him that I wasn't going to no longer be in this grave of depression anymore but that I was going to get out of the grave of depression and live. Before I left the grave site, I sat on a stump and sang... "I surrender all" and as we left the grave site, I left with sadness and an empty feeling that I had left everything behind. As I walked away, I looked behind me and I said good-bye to my grandfather. For the first time, the burden had been lifted from me.

Saturday, April 6, 1991

Today, I feel, as though I have accomplished everything I came home for and God has truly answered my prayers. After difficult a time yesterday, I decided to rest and take care of me, before leaving Tuesday, to go home. I feel like I can go home now and pick up from where I left off, with my counseling.

Sunday, April 7, 1991

Today, I am feeling a little sad. I guess it might be due, to mourning my grandfather's death, for the first, real time. I feel that the sadness that I am experiencing today could be more of an empty feeling, after letting go of so much. I have been so used to carrying this burden with me every day, for so long, that now that it's no longer there, I am feeling an empty feeling in my soul. The thing I need to do now is begin to look for new and better things...things that can fill the emptiness and bring happiness to my life.

Monday, April 8, 1991

Today, Keith and I decided to leave a day earlier, so we are now on the road and headed back home. I'm still experiencing a little sadness and empty feeling within me but I feel that I truly accomplished much through this trip.

The last time I left Michigan, to come to Spokane, was about 8 years ago and in some way, I feel as though that trip was a run-away trip. Even though I loved my husband, I feel within my heart, that I was running away from so many things...like family problems and an incest that had not yet been discovered. I had just married Keith and we were so excited about our new life together but now, as

I am leaving Michigan, to go back home, I am feeling different. I feel a little scared because I have to start all over, from where I left off as a child and I have to deal with the real feelings, for the very first time. I even feel that it may be a difficult road and maybe a little lonely one too. I do long, for the things that I missed out on, as I gradually mature from a young child, to a grown adult, due to the incest.

Tuesday, April 9, 1991

Today, I'm feeling pretty drained, from leaving my parents place, so I just sat quietly and enjoyed the ride and mostly thought about the trip. As I quietly thought on some of the good memories from the past; I began to see how all these hidden and hurtful feelings had suffocated the good moments. I feel that now, as I have left the hurtful feelings behind, that there is room for the good memories to surface and find their place, back in my heart.

Wednesday, April 10, 1991

While driving through Montana today, my husband and I had a good talk and we came to the realization that we have been so busy taking on the responsibilities of our families and what they have expected of us, that we haven't had much of a life together. I can now see how a split can occur in a relationship, when we are busy living for others, rather than ourselves.

I hope that these words have been of some encouragement to you, so that you don't have to feel so alone, during your own moments of recovery. Since I wrote this journal and the letter I have enclosed, God has truly healed my life.

At this time, I not only feel that God has strengthened me, through this journey but even during this time, as I write to you. My heart's desire is to share these words with you; that one day, when we stand before Christ, we can say that I've experienced pain and heartache, as a great time of testing but I've also come through the fire of this circumstance and now, I'm truly a survivor through Christ!

Chapter 8

Learning to Trust

After returning, from my trip to Michigan, the work began once more, as I returned to my group counseling. As I went back for the very first time, since returning from Michigan, I was happy to share with the group; everything that God had done for me, while I was home. Even though there had been a huge healing, there were other issues that would have to be dealt with that were connected to the incest and the one main issue I was dealing with, was a lack of trust. The experience from my incest had hurt me so deeply, to the core of my being that I began to have issues with trusting anyone, ever again. It's amazing how other feelings can be crippled, through the main root of incest.

My issues with trust had gotten so bad, that I couldn't find the ability to do something simple, such as crossing the street to get the mail. I always felt as though there was someone lurking around me and I not only felt fear from this situation but there was also a definite lack of trust there too. At that time, I had put up a wall so high and so wide; that no one was ever going to be able to reach me and hurt me again. The journey had once more begun, as my counselor and I, along with God's help; worked to tear the wall down that had been built over time.

You know...we all want the painful moments to hurry and go away but one thing I learned is that in God's timing, each step became one step further from the pain and heartache that I experienced through the incest. It's so easy to give in and say, well, if this doesn't go away soon, then God, please take me home. Even though that may be a good thought, it isn't always what God desires for us. Sometimes, heaven can become the easy way out and when we think in this way; then we desire heaven, for the wrong reason. As the saying goes, sometimes we have to experience pain before we can gain new strength and growth in our lives.

Like I said previously, I found it hard to trust any situation and at times, the lack of trust was so out of control that I would shut myself in my home and only go out, when Keith was with me. As I discussed this with my counselor, she mentioned that maybe I should gain my trust and confidence back, by gradually walking to the mailbox, so together, we set up a plan. The first day, I went out my front door and stood on my porch for a little while and then each day after that, I would walk a little further, until I was finally able to go to the mailbox. I have to admit that at first, it was very strange and I was walking in shoes of fear but as I began to see that nothing was harming me; I was able to eventually get the mail, without any problems.

Each step towards my recovery gave me confidence, for the ones that would follow. Once I overcame this obstacle, there were others, such as trusting people and men especially. There were moments, when I even found it difficult to trust Keith, even though I had experienced his love...eight years, prior to this time. As my eyes began to open more and more to the truth, of all I was experiencing, I realized that because I had been so deeply hurt, by someone who was supposed to be my figure of authority; that these feelings began to connect to other people in my life too. In other words, I had seen my grandfather as a figure of authority over me and when he hurt me; I not only quit trusting him but others too.

From this time on, the question remained in my mind...how was I going to trust anyone ever again? I felt as though I had the largest obstacle standing before me and all I could think about for the moment, was how would I ever get over or around this obstacle? There were moments when I would regress and get angry at my grandfather, for all that had happened. I would cry and shout out loud... "Didn't you know that what you did to me, would not only affect me in one way but many other ways too?" This became one giant step that I knew I couldn't climb on my own. In my mind's eye, I began to feel as though I was sitting on the previous step that I had just overcome, while I looked above me, at a very steep step that was awaiting me but as I looked up once more, I saw a hand reaching down, from the step above me...offering his help and as I looked up, I saw that it was Jesus. He was the One that had heard my cry and reached down, to offer a hand of hope. As I thought back to the other previous moments, when He had been there for me, I began to see that I could trust Him enough, to reach back and take hold of His hand.

As I began to open myself up to God completely; He led me to a Bible verse that became a hand of hope to me. In Proverbs 3:5-6, it reads... "Trust in the Lord completely; don't ever trust yourself. In everything you do, put God first, and he will direct you and crown your efforts with success. As the answer to my problem stared me in the face, I began to realize that I didn't have to work hard at trusting man but rather, all I had to do was trust God alone. My eyes were finally beginning to open, as I started to realize that all I had to do was place my complete trust in God and allow Him to be first in my life and then everyone else would fall into place. Rather than attempting to trust in my own ways, I learned that I needed to let God direct me, so He could crown my efforts with His success.

As I continued to keep these verses close to my heart, God began to show me an illustration of these verses that would help me. I began to see these verses, as though there was a checkerboard sitting before me and the black pieces resembled evil, while the red pieces resembled God's goodness. He taught me that if I would go slow and trust Him, then He would lead me safely across the board of life and once I reached the other side, He would crown my efforts with success. He also showed me how important it was to trust Him and take life slow because there may be times, when evil may attempt to surround me but at the same time, He taught me not to fear, what I was seeing before me but rather, I should focus on His power and all He is able to do, as a means of guiding me safely through life.

Over time, I had to learn that trust wasn't always something that happened instantaneously. I believe that in order for us to truly learn and grow through our experiences, that there may be times, when we have to take baby steps, so that each thing we learn, can be permanently etched upon our hearts. As I walked away from an experience, with no trust, into a new experience of trust, which was only accomplished with God's help; He gave me the courage to press on and these moments became moments of new growth, as the child within was coming one step further away, from a life of pain and heartache, to a place where the pain and heartache was being exchanged for new growth and a new heart.

I believe that the key to my healing was to replace the past with God. In other words, I had to learn to quit trusting in the feelings and things that were only going to weigh me down and destroy me and instead, begin to trust in a God that could place me on a firm foundation close to Him, where I could find safety and refuge, away from the past that was attempting to cripple me in life. I learned with time that a lack of trust was only debilitating me and keeping me from life and for all the moments that I could not find the courage to trust; these moments only made my life much more difficult, as I had to constantly work, at keeping my head above the troubled waters.

It's so easy for us to want to remain as a child and run away from our problems but as I have learned; these moments only cripple us in life and cause much more needless pain; then what God desires for us to experience. When we allow fear and a lack of trust to become temporary crutches to lean on, we soon will find that they will not hold us up forever. What we need is a crutch of true strength and hope, which can only be found by trusting God, rather than a circumstance.

When we allow God's breath, to breathe down upon us, then He will reveal a power that can remove every hurting part within us and when we choose to trust Him and allow our lives to be in tune with His, then we will quickly find that He speaks to us, rather than the voice of the circumstance, which only attempts to dictate our lives. When we choose to turn to a God that is greater than the weaknesses that attempt to have control over us; then His presence will not only come down upon us but His presence will pull away the weakness from within us and God will replace each weak moment, with something brand new...something that will allow us to experience a greater strength that can help us to press on, even during the most difficult times.

As I continued my journey...one step at a time, I also learned that I could not only speak the words of trust but I also had to put trust into action. I found through this journey, that it's so easy to speak words and tell ourselves that we are putting them into action, when all along, we are only speaking the words. Words will never lead us in the direction God longs for us to go, unless we attach wings of action to them. When we speak words without action, we soon discover that all we have done is store up a lot of words within our heart, with no place for them to go. One of the Bible verses that helped me to see this is found in I John 3:18, which reads... "Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth." As I sat reading this verse one day, I began to see how easy it was, for me to spew each word from my mouth. Maybe I did this because I felt it was easier; then to deal with what I saw, as something difficult and challenging at the time but through it all, I found that my journey had been brought to a halt, through my words alone. Fear and every debilitating word had replaced the roots of new growth that had begun to spring up within me and I began to see that as long as I was going to wallow in a pit of words, then everything I longed for was never going to happen. I learned that I had to take my words and use them as tools, with God's help; so my heart could be cultivated and ready for new growth once more.

When we come from a devastating situation, such as abuse, these moments can make a person feel as though they are beginning from square one, as each step becomes a daily struggle but when we come to see that God is the main root of our lives; then following Him, will allow us to walk in steps of trust, as He leaves them behind, for us to walk in.

I think sometimes we can see trust, as something overwhelming in our lives, as we think about how we need to trust this person and that person but I have found that walking in other peoples shoes, only placed demands on me and eventually, I found myself to be a people pleaser, rather than a person, who longed to simply please God. I had to learn with time, to not only test the waters with God but to also plunge into the water...knowing that God would always be there to save me from total defeat. I came to see through my abuse; that I not only lost trust in man but I had also lost trust in God because I had the hardest time figuring out why He would allow such a thing to happen in my life. One thing I couldn't understand was why He would turn His face from me, at such a young age and at the time I needed Him the most but as I found the truth behind these feelings; then I was able to view Him, as a God that could be trusted. I came to see that God had not deliberately turned His face from me, but rather, He was reminding me; that we live in a world, where people are given choices and my grandfather had made the wrong choice.

Once my eyes were opened, to the things that God was revealing to me; then I began to gain hope, for the steps that would follow and as I learned to trust Him more; then we also began to journey through this time of recovery together, as the journey took me to a place, where I didn't feel so alone. The hopeless obstacle of trust that once stood before me was now being gradually moved away from my pathway, by a God that began to display Himself, as something more powerful than my circumstance.

Chapter 9

A New Heart

As God continued to work with me, there were some days that became more of a struggle than others but as we continued to work together, I began to see that He was taking each piece of my broken heart...to exchange it for something brand new. The thing I had to learn was to let Him do the work and be willing to follow through, with whatever He desired for my life. In other words, I had to let go completely, of my own self-will and desire and allow Him to move into the depth of my heart and work, in the way that He so desired. I learned that if I wasn't willing to let Him take the reins to my life, then I would only remain where I was.

As I began to spend more time with God and less time with the circumstance; God began to reveal verses in His word that would encourage me and strengthen me, as this became part of our journey together. My heart had been deeply damaged by the abuse but God was beginning to reveal a way, where He could bring me through this moment that had been brought on by evil, while coming out in the end, with a brand new heart. In other words, this was where the journey would truly begin for me, as I had to learn how to grow up all over again.

One of the first Bible verses God gave me, during this time, was II Corinthians 4:17-18, which says... "For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; (18) While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen, for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal." After reading these verses, I began to see that I was only viewing the moments that were before me, rather than broadening my horizon, to look for what could come forth from the abuse. Even though I was taking this journey with God; He was seeing something that I wasn't able to see at the moment because I was too caught up in the moments of despair, rather than the unseen moments that could bring about a new heart. In other words, I wasn't viewing my situation as a light moment of affliction that could eventually change the course of my life but rather I was giving the reins of my life over to my circumstance. Many times, I felt as though there was a brick wall before me and I felt as though that wall was going to become a permanent enclosure for me. Many years of my life became wasted because I just wouldn't leave the circumstance behind, to go in God's direction. In other words, God and I were journeying together but I was trying to walk a different pathway from where He wanted me to be with Him.

As I journeyed through this time of recovery...one step at a time, I felt that there were moments, when I was lost but it was only because I wasn't listening to the One, who knew the way out of this wilderness of despair. At times, it seemed as though I was fighting an endless battle, as I continued to hold tightly to the things of the past...after all, this was the only way I had known, for so many years of my life. There were moments, when I felt so frustrated and confused, but as I began to view my life, I began to see that I always had to have control, as a means of survival. In other words, I had to always know what was going on in my life, as a means of protecting me but through time, I began to see that this way of living was no longer helping me but instead, it was keeping me from my total recovery.

Once I discovered what I was doing wrong, I found myself standing before a mirror one day...telling God that I was sorry for all the wasted days. I believe that this moment, not only became a time, when I exchanged my will for God's will but rather it also became a time, when I was actually able to hand over the reign of my life to God, so He could begin to do the work He had planned for my life.

From this moment, God began to take me on a journey through His word and He began to show me new and exciting verses that would eventually become tools, to help me, as He transformed my broken down life, into a life that could truly be used for Him. As I went back into the study Bible that I had kept for so many years of my life, there were sections in the front of the Bible that dealt with things such as insecurity, low self-esteem, insult, agitation, anger, fear, and depression. As God lead me to each verse, I began to take them apart and dissect them into sections that could be applied to a new heart. I not only read these verses but began to write them upon the table of my heart, so that they would not only become words to my ears but words that could be put into action, during a difficult day. One of the verses that really helped me during this transition in my life, is found in Psalm 112:7-8, which says... "He does not fear bad news, nor live in dread of what may happen; for he is settled in his mind that Jehovah will take care of him. That is why he is not afraid, but can calmly face his foes." Through these verses, I came to see that there is no fear in life, when we have the assurance, within our hearts and minds that God is there to take care of us. These became the moments, when I was not only claiming God, as a partner to journey with, through this time of recovery but as we continued to travel together, I came to find Him as the best friend I could ever have. To this day, I still have this Bible close to me and I still use it, as a reminder, of the journey that God and I shared, during those difficult days. Even though the pages have become raveled, this study Bible will always remain close to me because this was the Bible that became my survival manual, during the long and difficult days of recovery.

As God continued to reveal more of His word to me, the old clutter that had controlled my heart for so long, was beginning to clear out, as God was replacing the old with the new. Little did I know at the time that God was not only creating a new heart within me but His desire at the time was to give me a brand new heart that could be used for Him. I would like to share with you, some special quotes and thoughts that God gave me, at this time in my life. I've had these quotes and thoughts written in the back of my Bible for many years. One of the very first writings God gave me was on January 4, 1989 and it reads... "I will take you through the wilderness...I will take you through the storms; I will take you through the valleys but if you trust me, the victory can be yours." This was the moment, when I began to see myself in a wilderness...a dark wilderness, where there definitely was no way out. All I could see around me was darkness and no matter how far I traveled, I always seemed to end up, back at the place, where I first began, until God taught me that I would need Him, to lead the way, rather than myself. He taught me to let Him become my sunlight by day and my moonlight by night and He told me that if I would follow Him in this way, then there would come a time, when I would walk freely, out of this wilderness of despair. He showed me that once I reached the end of the wilderness, then I would have a new strength...a strength that could take me to the mountain top, where I could look down on the past moments and see the accomplishments that took place, by choosing to follow Him, rather than the circumstance.

I began to see that the words that God was giving me were actually messages, from His heart to mine...words that would not only help me but keep me uplifted. There were even moments, when He would place a song within my spirit...one that had never been known of or written by man. What amazed me the most, was that He only gave me the song, for that specific moment in time and when the healing had taken place, I lost the memory, of the songs that were once used, to keep me moving forward. Through these intimate moments with God, I began to see that He was truly there for me. Other words that God gave me through these difficult times were these... "When you are overwhelmed with your circumstance, while I live within you but yet you choose to allow your soul to be cast down, instead of allowing me to lift you up, then you are placing a brick wall of circumstance between you and Me and until you allow Me to remove each brick, you will continue to feel alone, in your own world of despair." This was one of the many moments, when I felt God as a father to me...One that would teach me what to leave behind, so I could hold tightly to the things that would continue to bring about a new heart and a closer relationship with Him.

As I began to hand over the old heart...more and more to God; He took it and placed it within His hands and began to remold it, into what He had purposed, for such a long time. He began to break down this cracked vessel, through each painful moment of heartache, so He could rebuild it into something brand new. Another Bible verse He lead me to at this time, as a means of encouragement, is found in Philippians 1:6, which reads... "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." This is the verse that kept hope alive within me and as I began to read more and more verses like this one, the glimpse of hope that had already begun to shine forth within me, had now become a light...shining brightly within my soul. At this moment, I began to stand on the promises that God was giving me through His word and these words were not only opening my eyes to His truth but they were also allowing a dormant heart to come alive, as I began to feel the darkness of the past fade away, while something new began to grow within me. I began to see my heart as a garden, where God was planting all of these new thoughts and words. Then, as each new thought was watered with the tears of a humble heart, they began to take root and I began to feel something new growing within me. In fact, an excitement began to spring up within me, as I began to anticipate God's presence, rather than dreading the things of the past.

Once God began to rub out the flaws and create something new within me; He began to show me that He had a plan, for all that He had allowed. This is one important thing we need to remember; that God does not afflict us but He sometimes allows a circumstance to remain for a while, so He can use it in our lives, to make us stronger, while allowing new growth to take place.

By the year of 2002, God began to open new doors, as He made a way for me to purchase my first computer but at this time, I did not fully realize the complete reason or purpose God had in store for my life. I had been trained on the computer, while I lived in Michigan, due to my job, as a general office clerk, at a hospital but never did I know that I would begin a ministry on this computer. After receiving the computer, a friend of mine came over to the house and began to show me some things about the computer, which was much different, then the one I worked with at the hospital.

From there, God began to open new and unexpected doors for me to walk through. Once my heart had been made brand new and brought to the level that He so desired, then He began to work even more in my life.

As I began to learn more about the computer, I found out about the Rest Ministries website and joined their forum; thinking this would be good for me. As I began to read other peoples posts and what they were going through in their lives; I began to feel a sadness come over my heart and a connection, as though I could truly understand what they were going through. From there, I began to post words of encouragement that I had learned, as a means of inspiring them too. Within a short time, God began to lead people into my life that were hurting, and from there, my heart began to transform completely, from a heart of my own, to a heart that felt another person's heartache and pain. I remember sitting at a small desk, for hour after hour, as I would type back and forth with people who were hurting. In fact, there were times, when Keith would come home from work at night and I would still be typing. As I sat there, reading each hurtful sentence on the screen, I began to see why God had allowed all these moments into my life. For once, I was using my heartache, to relate to others, rather than succumbing to the circumstance that had brought about feelings of despair.

As each day continued to pass, God's plan for my life began to unfold, as the new heart within me, was taking me to a new level...a level, where I could connect with others who were hurting and also a level, where I could hear the voice of God, rather than the voice that stemmed from a controlling circumstance.

Chapter 10

Learning to Let Go

After thinking that everything had been resolved in my life, I began to face another new challenge, which would truly put my new heart to the test and that, was learning to let go and not allow others or myself, to control and manipulate my life back into the past.

As God began to lead me, more and more to others who were facing pain and heartache, there were days that I not only encouraged them on the computer but also on the phone. There were times, when I would be online or on the phone, for 2-4 hours at a time but deep in my heart, I knew that this was important, as God was reminding me of the moments, when I felt alone, during my own time of heartache. I came to see that God had not only taught me new things and had given me a new heart but He had also etched these moments upon my heart, so that when I would be in touch with others who were hurting; then I would remember those hurtful moments and care more for the person, rather than my own feelings.

As the days passed, God began to lead even more people into my life...people who were hurting deeply and even suicidal. This was the time, when I came to see that the unresolved issues I was facing were definitely colliding with the present moments. Throughout my recovery and even before this journey began, I had placed myself in a rut and had never realized it, until I began to get busy with what was appearing to be a full-time ministry. Before I began to reach out and help other people, I had my schedule all planned out and every week, I would follow the same schedule. In other words, I wasn't living the free life that God had given me but rather I was living on a controlled schedule, which over time had put me in a place of bondage. Little did I know this but God was about to break that schedule for me.

As God began to work once more in my life, I felt a battle raging within me and there were times when I would become so overwhelmed, with all I was doing; that I would tell my husband that I might as well quit everything and sell the computer but as I look back now, I realize that I was only looking for the easy way out and as long as I chose to follow that path; then I would never continue to grow or move forward in my life. I think that sometimes, we feel that as Christians, the road should always be a smooth and easy one to walk down but I have learned over time that the challenging moments, are where we gain God's strength and a sense of renewed hope. These moments also become an eye opener and when we are able to finally see where we are going wrong; then we can freely surrender ourselves over to God and allow Him to work.

Once I began to see that I could not run or hide from this issue in my life; once more, I began to allow God to go to work and these were the moments that truly became baby steps for me. First, I had to come to accept the rut that I had placed myself in, which was due to the sheltered life I had lived, during the dark moments of my recovery. I also had to see that Satan had not only afflicted me through the abuse but his plan was to keep the affliction alive, through other problems that stemmed from the abuse. It's so easy to view the word abuse, as any other ordinary problem but what I have discovered over time is that the abuse becomes the main root of the problem, where other smaller roots of problems begin to grow, from the main root of abuse, which only makes the root of abuse that much more difficult to remove.

As I said previously, I began to see a huge adjustment to my life and I knew that I would need God, each step of the way. There were days, when I still lived with frustration, as I became overwhelmed by the changes that were taking place in my life but gradually over time, I began to slow down and allow God to take apart, the moments that were attempting to keep me under Satan's control.

Another issue I had trouble letting go of, was allowing Keith and others to do things for me. Even though I had learned to trust others again, I guess I still had to feel that I had everything under control but I came to quickly see that these moments were not from God because He never controls us in a way that will put us in a place of bondage. I had come to see that over time, I had taken my life, to a world of my own and I was not going to allow anyone to enter that world; otherwise, I might get hurt all over again.

What amazes me the most about God; is how He breaks down these barriers in our lives but at the same time, He has a gentle way of doing it, so we learn to gradually change our ways, while we allow what He has taught us, to become a true part of our lives...that is, if we are willing to see it God's way. In a similar way, God took these moments that felt controlling to me and He used other instances in my life, to teach me how to let go gradually. For example, I experienced a moment, when God lead another person into my life and as I observed their life, I was beginning to see what was truly wrong with my own, and by allowing God to use the other person, as the example for me to follow, I was finally able to change my ways. This just goes to show that other people are watching the way we live our lives and you never know, when your life could be used to help another person.

As God continued to chisel away the moments that were keeping me in a place of controlled bondage with Satan, He was showing me that I could actually have a free life...a life that would be less draining and more dependent on Him. You see, when we are allowing something to control us, then we automatically push God out, which only allows evil to step in and have control over our lives. I had to learn to start walking in God's daily footsteps, rather than my own and when I chose to do so, then no matter how busy I got, everything would just flow together throughout my day.

Once God began to remove these moments of bondage from my life, He began to speak to my heart about one more thing. To begin with, I think you should know that I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I came to realize over time that life at home was not real. The love that I was taught was through the outward appearance and not from the heart and I never felt that I could live up to those kinds of standards. I always felt there were expectations to live up to, which made my life, feel very overwhelmed and depressing at times. I came to see that trying to live up to standards of an outward appearance, only became a difficult job for me and I was never good enough, so that made me feel, as though I had to work that much harder, to meet my family's approval.

The feelings that came over time, from my home life, taught me to be a people pleaser and that became my way of feeling good about me, so when my family expected something from me, I would break my neck to do it, as a means of gaining their approval, which was not only wrong but a very tiring way to live. Over time, I came to see through Galatians 4:8-9 that I could not allow my life to go backwards, to a place of bondage, where I had just come from and these verses read... "Howbeit then, when ye knew not God, ye did service unto them which by nature are no gods. (9) But now, after that ye have known God, or rather are known of God, how turn ye again to the weak and beggarly elements, whereunto ye desire again to be in bondage?" After all the hard work and time that God and I had spent together, I was not about to turn back and place myself into bondage once more but at the same time, I was facing a dilemma because no matter what had happened, I still loved and cared for my family.

As I continued to minister to others who were hurting, I had a brother that would come over from time to time. He was the only one that lived here in Washington State, while the remainder of my family lived in Michigan. He was on disability and could not work, due to a health problem; so I wanted to do what I could to encourage him too and help him, in any way possible but as Keith and I became deeply involved in his life, my ministry was suffering and my home life too.

After some time, I became overwhelmed with my ministry work, home life and my brother's life and so I talked it over with my husband and we decided that we would cut back on his visits to our home and that Keith would go and visit him while I was busy but that didn't seem to work out. He became upset and the dysfunctional part of my family began to kick in full force. From there I received a phone call from my mother and my brother had turned his back on Keith and me, with a heartless feeling of appreciation, for all we had done for him.

When my husband returned home, after trying to talk with my brother, our hearts had just sunk to our feet and we were in shock, as to how he was responding to us, which made the battle within me seem more intense. It was as if I didn't even know my brother anymore. The hurtful words that came to us began to bring about more stress in my life, which made it much more difficult to concentrate on my work. I felt as though Satan was fighting me full force and even now, as I look back throughout my life, I see how Satan attempted to take so much control over my life, as a means of preventing me, from doing the work that God had called me to do, from the very beginning.

For some time, I had been talking with God, about what I should do, in regards to my family. I had come so far, out of a place of dysfunction and even after trying to talk with my family, they denied so much that had happened in the past that it made it appear, as though I was living in a world of my own. I wasn't looking for anyone's sympathy and I definitely did not want to keep the past alive but I knew in my heart that I could not be a part, of the life that God had just freed me from.

As I sat down and talked it over with my husband, we decided to give it a little time, while we prayed, so we could receive God's viewpoint, as to what we should do. As I was reading my Bible one day, God lead me to a couple of verses in Matthew 10:36-39, which reads... "And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. (37) He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. (38) And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me is not worthy of me. (39) He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." After reading these verses, I felt as though God was giving me my answer. I came to see that God had called me out of a difficult life, to serve Him and help others find the same hope that He had given me and if I was going to be able to devote my complete life for His service; then I would have to lay everything down, so I could pick up my cross and follow Him. I had to learn that no matter if I loved my family or not, that God had to be first in my life.

From there, God began to show me that the decision had been difficult at first, because I wasn't completely letting go of my past, so I could be everything He wanted me to be for Him. There was a battle raging within me, between what Satan was trying to keep alive within my life and what God desired for me and at the same time and I was in the middle. It was now time, for me to make a decision and if I wanted to do what was right and follow God, then I would have to deny my past and make room, for the things that God longed to give me, as a means of serving Him. In other words, like verse 39 says...I would have to lose my own life, in order to find the life that God had in store for me and if I wasn't willing to do so, then I would have to risk the chance of losing God altogether in my life.

Denying ones family is a difficult decision and it should never be done in haste. God should always be in the center of every decision we make concerning our lives but in my situation, my family did not choose to change...where I did; so I had no other choice but to walk away and continue to press on, with the life that God had in store for me. My decision doesn't mean that I don't love my family because I do. My husband and I continue to pray for them, with the hope that they will see the problems that stem within the family and make a change but until then, I must choose to press onward with God and make Him first in my life.

How many times, do we allow the ways of the world or the traditions we grow up with, to make the decisions for us in our lives. When we give our lives to God, the decisions we make within our lives, should be based on His word and what He lays upon our hearts.

After choosing to make the decision to lay my past down and follow God; I began to experience a deep peace within me that made me feel as though the ties that had kept me bound up for so long, were finally being cut to pieces. The past was now beginning to fade away, as God's will for my life became more profound and all I had to do now, was step into His complete will for my life and choose to only walk in the footprints that He laid out each day, for me to walk in.

Chapter 11

Writing through Pain

Never did I ever begin to imagine that I would become an author and do the work that I was now beginning to do for God. In fact, if I were to let my English teacher from high school see what I'm doing; she would probably have to sit in a chair; otherwise she would faint to the floor.

As I grew up, school became very difficult for me and I struggled, for each "C" and "D" grade I received. I used to get so upset because my two brothers and sister would always receive "A's" and "B's" and they never seemed to struggle to get them. I always seemed to have a problem, with my mind wondering and I used to get so upset with myself; never realizing that the fantasy thoughts that were trying to creep into my mind, were stemming from the sexual abuse. I couldn't understand how these thoughts were entering my mind and at such a young age too. As I look back now, I realize that it became that much more difficult for me to figure this problem out, since the memory of my abuse had not yet surfaced.

After inching my way through school and graduating, by the skin of my teeth, I felt that God was leading me to become a missionary nurse, so I applied to a local community college and was accepted. As soon as I began my classes, the struggles of college life became even more difficult than high school. The doors that once seemed open to me were now being shut in my face, as I had to go through a series of two knee surgeries, due to a congenital problem that I had faced since birth. So from there, I had to leave my college courses behind, in exchange for a hospital bed and I was laid up, from April to October of that year.

It seemed that no matter how much I pursued the career of nursing, the doors kept closing in my face. In fact, I had been working at a local hospital at the time, as a nurse aide and had also found out that they were going to stop the nurse aide program and only have LPN's and RN's. After being notified by the hospital that the nurse aide program was about to shut down, I was given a choice, to apply for another job or leave and pursue work elsewhere, so I chose to apply for some other form of work, since I needed the money at the time. As I began to study the job openings at the hospital, I found a job for an admitting clerk, so I applied and was accepted. You need to understand one thing about this job...I had no experience or college education to back me up and as far as I was concerned, my high school grades were worthless.

After working at least two years at this job, I decided to try and move up to another job, as I began to enjoy the office work. There was a position open at the time, for a general office clerk, so I put a bid in for the job. I remember being nervous at the time because my typing skills weren't good and I knew that I would have to take a typing test. Throughout all the nervous moments, I was given the job and now I would be working as a general office clerk. The time I really believe that God was beginning a new work in me, was when I had received this job because just as I began this new work, the computers were also coming out for the first time. In fact, the hospital hired people to come in and give us a training course, on how to use the computer. This is what I was talking about earlier in the book because God can take little instances in our lives and use them, for something later down the road...even when we don't realize it at the time.

As time passed by, I met my future husband and we left Michigan, to come out here to Washington State. As my life shifted, from a career life, to a time, when God was equipping me with a new heart; I began to view life in a much deeper way and all the feelings I was experiencing from my abuse, was taking my heart to a different level, where I was beginning to hear the voice of God within my spirit. I remember a day, when my husband was relaxing on a weekend and out of nowhere, I began to hear words within my spirit, as though they were important words to write down; so as I jotted these first words down on paper, I began to see that they were in the form of a poem. I immediately took the poem and began to read it to my husband and he was just as amazed as I was. I think he was especially amazed, at the depth of words that I was putting down on the paper. As I look back now, I see that God allowed me to go through a depth of heartache, so my old heart could be broken down, to a place, where I could hear God's voice within my spirit. I also have learned that when we choose to tie God's hands up and never allow Him to do the work that He longs to do through a moment of affliction; then we find out later that we miss out, on the complete purpose and plan that God has for our lives. We must learn to bypass the symptoms of our problems and look for the purpose that God has behind the problem and we must remember that God never allows anything into our lives, unless He can use it; otherwise that makes Him a defeated God.

As I continued to press on with my life, the words that began to come into my spirit were now coming more frequently. The overwhelming feeling to write each word down, caused me to put paper and pens, in most of the rooms of our home and when paper couldn't be found for the time, I would write on anything close by, such as Kleenex, napkins and even toilet tissue. The feeling to write each word down made me feel as though God was speaking to an angel, while the angel dictated God's words to my heart.

As time continued to pass by, I would save all these writings and I even wrote a few in the front and back sections of my Bible. At the time, I never really knew what they would be used for but I found that as I read each word, they became a remedy, for my own hurting soul. Later, I came to see that God was speaking to me and ministering to me, as a means of bringing hope back into my life. This was His way, of preparing me, for something that I could not fully see at the time.

It seemed that the more that I would write...a greater connection was taking place between God and me. I began to view God as my best friend and a very close companion. The lonely moments that I had felt for so many years of my life, were actually being filled now with His loving presence, which truly made God seem as if He were more alive within my heart. I remember that there were many times that I felt alone, even when someone was in the room with me but now I realize that these feelings were there because I was lacking God's presence in my life.

Now, I was not only writing down the words that God had shared with me but I was also beginning to listen for His voice within my spirit. The more that I would anticipate His presence...the more the words would flow within my heart and mind and after a while of using them to help myself; I began to feel a need to share them with others, who were going through similar situations. I started out, by posting some of the words on a forum, through another ministries website and before I knew it, I was taking a complete summer, to spend time with God and write.

I remember the time, when my husband would be at work and I would go out on our covered deck and sit on a lounger, with pen and paper in hand...waiting and anticipating the presence of God. In fact, one day, I was sitting there relaxing, while waiting for the words to flow and as I looked down, off the deck, there was a mother robin and she was feeding her young one and I was so intrigued at this because I had never seen a mother robin feed her baby before. As I quietly sat there, God began to speak to me and share words with me that reminded me, of the love and care He has for His own children. Before I realized it, the pen was going quickly over the paper and another poem was being constructed, with God's help.

As the summer continued on, I had one of the most amazing experiences with God, while writing. I had taken my pen and paper out to the lounger and for some reason; I was having a difficult time with the writing that day. As I got up from the lounger, I looked over the rail of the deck, on a perfectly clear and calm day. As I stood there, I remember looking up into the sky and talking to God and while dwelling on the power of God's handiwork in the sky, all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a wind began to hit my face. The wind was so strong; I thought it was going to knock me over. As I continued to look up into the sky, a beautiful cloud formation began to form and as the clouds opened up, I got the feeling that I could walk right through them, as though the clouds were opened curtains, leading me to heaven. I truly knew that day that the presence of God had touched me, as I began to write one more poem, titled... "Breathe on Me, Oh Spirit."

By time, the summer was coming to a close, I had written over 60 poems. After my husband had read them, he suggested that I should do a book but with the way my self-esteem was at the moment, I never felt capable or worthy of doing anything like that but after some time, God began to work with me, as I began to feel Him prompting me to follow through with my husband's idea; so I not only took the poems and began to construct a book but I also did a small writing that would go with each poem...something that would help the reader to understand, how the poem began and also how it could help them, within their own lives. From there, I got on my computer and began to learn how to use Microsoft word, as I began to put together a manuscript. I remember working long hours, at a small desk in our bedroom, until I had a rough draft constructed. When I wasn't cleaning or doing other things, I was working on the book, which also helped to pass the lonely hours, while my husband worked second shift.

Once the manuscript was finished and proof read, I started to look for a publisher that God would want me to contact. Through prayer and moments alone with God, I found a publisher, by the name of Poetry of Today Publishing, and as I contacted them, they asked me to submit a copy of the manuscript on a disk and mail it to them. At the time, I had no idea how to put a manuscript on a disc, so I began to do research on the internet and as I sought for the answer to this problem...God responded, with His wisdom and help. I remember telling my husband at the time that God seems to allow me to experience a sink or swim situation but through time, I have come to learn, how to swim fast and on His strength and help alone.

Before I knew it, the book was on a disc form and ready to be submitted to the publisher. I remember the long days of waiting, to see what was about to happen and then one day I received an email; that they had accepted the manuscript and wanted to publish it. I remember the moment, when I read the acceptance letter because I froze in place, while leaning over my office chair; before quickly going out into the other room, to tell my husband that they were going to publish the book, which is now titled "You Are Not Alone in a Lonely World."

Once the book was published, I found out about my first book signing and immediately, I began to cringe because I had barely stepped one foot out of my home, let alone go to a book signing, where there would be a lot of people. I will never forget the feelings that came over me, from that day, until the book signing. I began to feel like I was regressing backward and my confidence level was at zero. There were times, when I would sit and practice signing my name...over and over again, while my husband was at work. At first, I thought that the publisher would be there with me but due to the distance and her work load, I would have to face this time in my life alone but as I look back, I believe that this was another moment, when God longed for me to lean on Him, so with each trying moment, I would become more deeply connected with Him, instead of myself. Even though moments like these were very difficult for me, I learned over time that they were the moments that would continually take me away from the life of despair that I had lived, for so long.

Before I knew it, the day had finally arrived, for me to go to the bookstore, for the book signing. I wanted to make this a special and memorable moment in my life and not just for me alone but also for the people who would come to see me, so I had a bowl of candy on the table and my husband had bought me flowers, so they were on the table too and even though I was nervous and reluctant to face this time in my life; in the back of my heart and mind, I had a determination, to do my best for God. After all, He was the One, who had blessed me, with each special word. Oh, and by the way...to this day, I still have the bouquet of flowers...dried and hanging on our living room wall and all these beautiful things of the past are now a reminder to me each day, of the distance that God has brought me.

After the people began to arrive, and I got to visit with them, I began to relax and enjoy the day. God was definitely reminding me that whatever He purposes for our lives; He will also be there to share in what is taking place at the moment and that is exactly what He did for me. That day not only became another new step of healing for me but it was also a reminder that God never abandons His children.

From that moment on, God not only gave me words that became inspirational poems but later, He began to lead me into writing quotes and devotionals too. I have come to see that God does not only use the well-educated person, to do something great for Him but rather, He takes the one who is weak and humble and produces a greater strength that can be passed along to others, who have become weak. Just as I did so poorly in school and never had the self-esteem to feel worthy of anything in life, this became my humble moment before God, where He could take the brokenness, while allowing Himself to be seen in such a great way. I began to see that God was now using the new heart He gave me and the feelings that had been etched upon that heart, as a means of reaching out to many other people, who were living in the same place of despair that I had just come out of.

As God continued to fill my mind and heart, with more words of strength and hope, I began to also sign every one of my ministry emails... "It's Only Because Of Him" and to this day, I have signed every ministry email like this, for almost eleven years. I have come to see that there is no way that I could ever write these words on my own. When God fills our thoughts with words, they become small gifts that open up over time and produce much more than what we could ever imagine, while creating new growth and strength that can only come from Him and I wasn't about to take the credit, for something so great.

To this day, I have now completed 16 books that are filled with powerful words from above. I can't even begin to count the words that God has shared with this new heart of mine. He has taken these words and He's not only healed my broken heart with them but He has also touched the lives of many and little did I ever know that all of this would come about, from an awful experience in my life, such as sexual abuse.

Chapter 12

More Surgeries

Even though I had overcome so much in my life at this point, I began to face some serious problems with my knees. We were living in a duplex at the time and there were two sets of stairs. One set of stairs led up to a bathroom and two bedrooms and the stairs leading down, went to a family room...another bedroom and a half bath/laundry room. One day, I was coming down the stairs from our bedroom, to where our living room was and my right knee dislocated. Because I was on the stairs at the time; I flew through the air and landed hard on the floor. The pain was excruciating and my body began to shake, as I felt I was going into shock. When I went to turn over, I thought that I had somehow broken my knee joint because there was a bone that was laying over to the right side of my knee. I began to panic, as the pain continued to overwhelm me. I called out to my husband and he came running down the stairs. When he saw my knee, he immediately reached down and grabbed onto the kneecap and pulled it to the center of my knee. I had never experienced anything like that, ever! It was amazing, how God gave my husband the strength to do what he did! From there, my knee began to instantly swell, as I felt my body going into shock from the pain. Within a short time, my husband took me to the emergency room and they gave me a shot for the pain and placed ice on my melon shaped knee and told me to follow up with my doctor.

Later in the week, my husband took me to my orthopedic surgeon and the doctor set me up, for yet another knee surgery, as a means of trying to stabilize the knee. I began to feel like, "Here we go again...will there ever be an end to all of this pain?" I just sat in his office and began to weep, as my husband consoled me.

Within a short time, I was going back into surgery and while I was in surgery; the doctor noticed that my tendon had ruptured; probably due to the fall; so he repaired the tendon, along with other things that needed to be repaired. I will never forget the long weeks ahead, as I returned home from the hospital. I remained in my upstairs bedroom, for about 3 months because the only main bathroom was upstairs and the doctor didn't want me to take a chance of dislocating the other knee, while doing damage to the one that was just repaired.

My sister had come out for a visit, not too long after I had been released from the hospital; as a means of giving my husband a break, as he had to return back to work. His employer had given him some time off, so he could be at the hospital and help me, when I first came home. My sister's visit made my recovery, not such a lonely time, as Keith was working a lot at the time but when she left, to go home, it seemed like depression was trying to creep in and take control; so now, I was not only dealing with post-op pain and a long recovery but also depression and loneliness too.

As I remained upstairs; the hours went very slow. My husband had already taken off, as much time as he was able to, so there were many lonely hours ahead of me, until I could come back downstairs. There were days that I cried, as I saw my neighbors leaving their homes every day. I began to feel so alone in my disability and days would go by, with no phone calls or visits. As I sat there all alone, I began to get angry and I couldn't figure out what God was doing.

Within a short time...following the fall and surgery, the doctor had a talk with Keith and me and said..."Diane...no more stairs." As the recovery from my surgery was finally coming to an end, the last thing on my mind was to move and leave the place that Keith and I loved but I knew in my heart that I couldn't handle the stairs. I finally came to see that I couldn't take another chance of falling because maybe the next time, the injuries would be worse.

Just as Keith and I were planning our move to another place, I began to have more pain in the knee that was previously operated on and I noticed that the kneecap was gradually moving off to the left side of my joint. I decided that it might be wise to go and have the knee examined, before another dislocation was to take place; so I set up an appointment and back to the doctor I went. After x-rays had been taken, the doctor felt that the knee cap was riding high on the joint surface and shifting to the left and he felt that the knee cap needed to be fixed; so once more, I was scheduled for surgery. As each surgery began to hit me head on, I began to feel numb and the tears that once flowed down my cheeks, had now felt as though they were falling within my heart, as I began to cry out to God, from deep within my spirit.

After my husband and I were finally able to find a place to move, where there were no stairs; I was scheduled for surgery and the problem was repaired. This recovery didn't seem to be as depressing at first because we lived in a one story home and instead of using crutches, I was able to use a walker and move around better. While Keith was at work one day, I began to put together a bag, from some scraps of fabric that I had and I created it in a way, where I could hang the bag on the walker and use the bag to carry the lunch that Keith had made and left for me in the refrigerator.

As time passed by, from the two previous surgeries, I ended up going back for outpatient surgery, so the doctor could clean out all the scar tissue that had formed, from the previous injuries and surgeries; so there were many more recovery days to come. The surgeries continued to take a toll on me and my body and by this time, I didn't know what to think. At times, I wondered if this was going to become my life, until the day I died.

Later, as I began to think back, to when all these problems first began with my knees, I remember a time, when my Orthopedic surgeon had told my Mom and me that later I might have to have both knee joints replaced. I began to think that maybe my doctor might consider this now, as I was getting older and my situation was getting worse; so I scheduled an appointment, to go in and talk with him about this.

The appointment day finally arrived and my husband went with me; so we could all sit down and discuss this problem with my knees. As we talked with the doctor, he finally agreed to do the first replacement on the right knee. Finally, I was beginning to see a glimpse of hope, even though I would have to face another surgery.

Before I knew it, all the weeks of waiting had come to an end and I was now being wheeled into the operating room, for the eighteenth time. I could see all the instruments around me and the nurses were busy preparing the room for my new joint replacement. I knew that God was with me, as I felt his presence by the operating table and before I knew it, I was fast asleep, as the doctor began to exchange an old broken down joint, for something brand new.

After coming out of surgery, I knew that I had a lot of hard work ahead of me. A physical therapist was brought to our home, until I was stable enough to go into outpatient therapy and once I was stable enough to leave my home safely, the doctor eventually scheduled me for regular therapy, along with pool therapy, as I worked to bend this brand new joint.

One day, as I was doing my pool therapy, I noticed that my scar looked red and I was experiencing more pain than what I thought I should be experiencing but yet, I thought this was due to exercising the knee. Within a few days, I had been in our bedroom working on a craft project, when I noticed that my knee looked splotchy and I was also feeling, as though I was running a fever, so I decided to take a break and take my temperature and come to find out, it was 100 degrees. I called the doctor and as I was telling the lady over the phone about the knee, she told me that the doctor should see this right away, so she set up an appointment, in that same afternoon.

By time I had arrived at the appointment, the splotches were still there and my temperature had gone to 100.5. The doctor decided to admit me to the hospital and mentioned that there may be a chance of an infection in the new joint. He also got serious with Keith and me and said that there may be a good chance that the joint may have to be removed. As I heard those words, my heart fell to the floor, as I began to cry uncontrollably. I began to feel as though the only chance I had left for this leg; was slowly slipping through my fingers.

Over the next couple of days, the doctor kept a close watch and was taking fluid samples from the knee joint. The only thing that kept running through my mind at the time was "What's next God?" I just couldn't understand why God was allowing so much to enter my life and I began to question God, as to why I was even born. After all...there didn't seem to be any purpose, for this kind of life. What purpose would all these surgeries serve? I felt blinded by what I was experiencing and even though I was still aiming to walk down the pathway with God; my vision was being clouded over, by these overwhelming moments.

Within a couple days, my fever had come down to normal and the splotches began to go away, so my doctor sent me home but asked me to set up a follow up appointment with him. Within a short time, my husband and I were back in the doctor's office. As we sat down and began to talk with the doctor, he mentioned that he felt the safe thing to do...in case there was some infection in the knee; would be to remove the joint. My heart felt totally crushed, after the distance I had already come, with the first new knee joint.

After scheduling another knee surgery, we left the doctor's office and all that kept going through my mind, were the words that the doctor had spoken to me that afternoon, as he told us that the knee joint would be removed and in its place a small box of time released antibiotics would remain, for six weeks, while an IV pic line would be inserted into my arm, as a means of pumping more antibiotics into my system. Then after the six weeks of antibiotic treatment, I would go back into surgery, to have another new joint put into place. As I went home from my appointment, my head was so overwhelmed with all the information that I completely fell apart and began to sob out of control. I guess that I was finally letting go, of everything that I had attempted to hold so tightly too.

Finally, the day for the first surgery had arrived. I was so nervous because even though I had been through other surgeries before, I knew deep down that these two surgeries would be much different. As the nurses wheeled me into the operating room, I was placed on the operating table and within a short time, I was drifting off to sleep. Once the surgery was finished and I had left the recovery room, I was placed in an isolation room, due to the possible infection they had found during surgery.

After a day or two, while thinking on all that was still ahead of me, I began to cry and say to God... "I can't do this!" A nurse had been passing my room and noticed that I was crying, so she came in and asked me if I was alright. I told her why I was crying, and I will never forget that moment, as she reached down and placed her arms around me and gave me a big hug, while consoling me. After I had settled down, she left the room but would come back from time to time and check in on me. As I look back on these moments, I not only see a very caring nurse but a God that held me and sustained me, through the tough times that were yet ahead of me. This experience taught me that even though God may not always remove the problem immediately, He is there to hold us and help us through the overwhelming moments we face in life.

Just before leaving the hospital to go home, an IV pic line was placed into my arm, as I was facing 6 weeks of antibiotic treatment. A nurse had been assigned to our home, to check the pic line...my temperature...along with keeping the incision clean and sterile. Within a short time, Keith was learning how to inject the antibiotics through the pic line, as I had to have the antibiotics around the clock. There were nights, when we would have to set the alarm, so he could give me a dose during the night. I'll tell you...those were some difficult weeks.

One evening, as Keith had helped me out into our living room, I noticed that the site around the pic line looked discolored, so we called the nurse. She suggested that we head up to the ER right away and have the pic line checked out. I was still in a lot of pain from the surgery and to top it off, we had to go out into some cold and snowy weather, as we were in the middle of winter.

As I arrived at the emergency room, I remember sitting a long time in a wheelchair, while I waited for the doctor to check the pic line. I will never forget how tired I was and the pain seemed to be getting out of control, as I begged Keith, to get someone in the room, so I could go home. After a short while, the doctor finally walked in the room and checked the pic line and told us that there appeared to be an infection and that the pic line would have to be removed and cleaned, before inserting a new pic line, so from there, they took me down the hall and helped me onto a table and began to go to work. After what seemed to be forever, I was finally able to go home and rest.

The nurse continued to come to our home, to check the pic line and change the dressings on my knee. From there, the days passed, until the 6 weeks had come to an end. After having the first surgery behind me, an automatic appointment had been set up, for the second one and all that was going through my mind at the time, was to get through the surgery and put all of this behind me.

The day had finally arrived, for the second surgery and as they wheeled me into the operating room, all I could think of was... "Here we go again!" As they placed me on the operating table, I was fast asleep in no time, as my surgeon was preparing to remove the antibiotic box from my knee and replace it with a brand new knee joint. It seemed as if it was only minutes and then I began to wake up in the recovery room. The surgical pain became instantly real and I remember the doctor looking over me, as he ordered more pain medication. After they had stabilized me with some medication, I began to slowly come back to reality and was very happy to know that these two surgeries were now behind me.

As I began to slowly recover; my doctor placed me back into regular physical therapy...along with the pool therapy too. I always looked forward to the pool therapy because the warm water would sooth my tired muscles, after the therapist had been working to help me bend the knee. In fact, many times, the therapist would have me dangle my leg over the edge of the table and then he would push in on the lower leg, as a means of removing the stiffness in the leg. It was very painful and I dreaded this kind of therapy the most but I continued the therapy, until they had done all they could do to help me.

Chapter 13

Finding God through Weakness

As time continued to pass by, the pain and warmth on the right side of the knee wasn't going away and I began to get very discouraged, as to what was happening. I think the hardest thing for me to grasp onto, was why God would bring me this far, only to allow more problems.

Throughout the weeks ahead, I continued to see my orthopedic surgeon but when I would go to my appointments, I would come home with no answers. The moments of despair seemed to keep piling higher, as hope for me became a window that had remained permanently shut. At an earlier appointment, my doctor suggested that maybe I should either have the leg amputated or fused. That would mean that he would once more remove the joint and replace it with a straight rod. As we continued to discuss this in his office, I began to break down, as I began to wonder how I could make it through yet another surgery...especially one like this. It seemed that God's pathway for me; was being filled with rocks, which became harder to climb over. As I left the office to go home; all that I could do was cry out to God and I didn't even know what to say to Him at this time. I felt so empty, with no words left to speak. I felt as though the problem with my knees had now become an old movie; that I was watching over and over again.

As the weeks continued to pass by, the doctor's visits became more intense, as the knee was not improving. The doctor mentioned to me that if I wasn't able to make the final decision, of what he had discussed with me, then he would sit down with me and help me through the process of making the right decision. I tried to balance my thoughts, as I talked everything over with God; but by this point, I couldn't feel anything and had become numb to my problem. How was I to know what God wanted, if I was so clouded over by the circumstance? There were moments, when I felt like this decision had become a thick and dense fog. I knew God was there but I just couldn't find Him at times.

Over time, I began to realize that if I didn't do something, then I could possibly lose the leg altogether or remain in terrible pain; so after talking with Keith, along with much thought and prayer, I consented to the surgery. You know, it's not always easy to understand why God allows these difficult moments into our lives; but as a means of skipping ahead a little; later I came to meet someone through my ministry that was dealing with a similar situation and was feeling alone...thinking that no other person had gone through, what I was about to face, so you see...God has His reasons, for what we go through in life.

Surgery was now scheduled and before I knew it, the day had finally arrived, when the doctors would fuse the knee joint and insert a rod into my leg. At this point, my body was so tired from all the previous surgeries that I began to wonder if I could come through this surgery. As the nurses took me into pre-op; I remember my doctor walking in to see me before surgery and he was very consoling and said that he was going to take good care of me, while I was in surgery. After Keith had prayer with me, they began to take me into the operating room and as I entered, there was a long table by the wall, across from the operating table, with all kinds of metal tools, which made me feel as though I was in a metal shop. As I looked at everything that was set out for the surgery, I began to get nervous and all I wanted them to do was put me to sleep.

Later that evening...following the surgery; the doctor came in, to talk with Keith and I and he mentioned to us, that they had experienced a difficult time removing the knee joint; prior to inserting the rod, which was due to the calcification that had already formed around the joint; so they had to hammer the joint out and because of that; there was bone damage, which made my leg about a quarter of an inch shorter. What a surprise, when they first got me up to the bathroom for the first time, as I felt lopsided and found it very difficult to maintain my balance. I had never given any previous thought, as to how it would feel, to never bend that leg again. The physical therapist worked on leg strengthening, following the surgery but that was all the therapy I would receive.

Finally, the day came, when the brace and bandages would be removed...along with the stitches too. As I returned home from my final doctor appointment, I felt as though I was waking up to reality. My heart sank within me, as I began to think about all the things I would no longer be able to do. I wouldn't be able to sit in a chair, without having a footstool, to support my leg and there would be no more kneeling by the bed to pray. As many more thoughts began to cross my mind, I felt as though I was grieving over the loss of my knee. There were moments, when I actually wanted to try and bend the knee, instead of living with the reality that stood before me but deep down, I came to see that this would never happen again. I continued to cry out to God and when the tears began to dry up, I felt as though my heart took over and began to weep inwardly.

After the fusion had healed, it was now time to move on with my life and even though this difficult moment spelled total defeat, God began to show me how He could help me, while teaching me how to compensate, for the things I could no longer do. As the leg continued to get stronger, I was able to hold the leg straight out, from where I was sitting on the couch, with barely any pain and as for getting on the floor, I found a whole new technique, for getting down on the floor and for getting back up. As I began to see how I could rise above this problem, with God's help, I became more encouraged and continued to pursue other ways of helping myself overcome this difficult time in my life. I think the thing I missed the most, was that I would never be able to kneel by my bed in prayer but over time, I came to see that I could close my eyes and visualize myself kneeling within my heart and now I can truly say that all the empty voids in my life, have been completely filled and I now live a life of total contentment.

As God continued to lead me further into ministry work, I came to design an office that would meet my needs. Keith helped me set up an office with a daybed, so I could sit across the length of the bed and look out into the backyard, as I write and do my work. I now use my desk, as a countertop, where I have ministry photos, along with my work book. I also have a side table, to the right of me, where I keep my papers...a lamp and my phone, along with everything I need close by and as I sit on the daybed, I also use a lap table for my laptop; so as you can see...God has taught me how to manage very well.

Moments like these can try to point us in a direction, where we see no hope but I have come to see that whatever God allows to enter into our lives...for whatever purpose it's for, He always fills the empty voids and allows us to find His strength through the weakness...that is, if we are open to whatever He longs to show us. Remember one thing today...weakness only becomes a place of total defeat, when we allow our weaknesses to lead us in that direction but when we are willing to look up to God, rather than into the face of our problems, we will soon discover that God is always there, to make a way for us, while we find Him to be a God of great strength, even during difficult moments of weakness.

Chapter 14

Renewed in His Spirit

After overcoming many long years of pain and heartache; God has now begun to use the painful moments of the past, as a means of reaching out to others who live in despair; as I have now been serving God for around 12 years. Throughout all the difficult moments I've faced, I have come to cling to some Bible verses in II Corinthians 12: 7-10 and we read... "And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh, the messenger of Satan to buffet me, lest I should be exalted above measure. (8) For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. (9) And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (10) Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong."

Through this long journey of pain and heartache, I have come to see that sometimes God has to allow weakness to enter our lives. He isn't the One who afflicts us but He can allow a circumstance to enter our lives for a specific reason and even though we do not always understand what that reason may be, we can live with the hope that God's grace is great enough, to sustain us and keep us from a pit of total destruction. The purpose I truly found, behind all the moments of pain and heartache, was that God had a plan for my life...a plan that would have to allow my heart, to be brought down to His level, so that I could hear His voice within my spirit and follow through, with the will and desires He has had for my life, since the day I was born.

We can find that these moments of weakness can be used for such a long period of time; that we begin to grow weary and wonder if God still loves us anymore but one thing I do know...if God does not remove the "thorn of affliction" from us, then this makes Him a defeated God. We may also find that we don't always leave these difficult moments, at the time we would like to but we do have the assurance that when we turn to God, then He will be there, to hold our hand and wait out the storm with us, until it passes by and once we are able to follow through with God in this way, then we will be able to live with a peace; that will help us to find a reason to rejoice, even in the midst of difficult times.

What an honor and privilege it is to suffer for the cause of Christ! If we think back to an old rugged cross, we see a god that made a huge sacrifice, out of love for us and now as we reveal a love for Him, we too may have moments when we share in His sufferings. We need to realize that these difficult moments can never lead us to a total pit of destruction, when Christ lives within us but rather, these difficult moments allow the power of God's presence to rest upon us, as He begins to work through the trial.

During the many years of surgeries, pain and heartache, God took the emptiness within my life and He has used every moment, to either repair something in my life...allow new growth to take place or give me a greater strength. Yes, there were times, when I felt as though I was distant from God but that was only because I had allowed the circumstance, to wedge its way into my life, while allowing a wall of circumstance, to keep me distant from the presence of God. Over time, I came to see that everything I had learned, was now being put into beautiful writings that could reach out and help another person, as they faced similar moments of despair and I have to tell you that these have become very special moments in my life, as I think back to the many times that God has spoken to my spirit but again, these moments were only exchanged, for the difficult moments I faced from the past, after coming to a place of total humbleness before God.

Since overcoming these past years of pain and heartache; I am now experiencing a connection with God that I never thought I'd experience in my life. We have now been walking together...side by side ever since the moment He led me out of my dark wilderness of despair. The "thorn of affliction" that once had control over my life, has now been removed by a powerful and loving God and He never ceases to remind me that He is always with me...no matter what I may be facing for the moment. He sought me, during the most difficult moments of life, with a true love and He gave me his perfect strength and now His power rests upon me.

Over time, I learned that I had to walk out of my wilderness of despair, with renewed strength and a brand new heart...a heart that could leave the past behind, as I reached forth, to the things that God longed for me to discover. Once I became as one with Him, I then had the strength to not only come out of my wilderness of despair but I also had the strength to climb the mountain with God and even now, as I look down over the deep wilderness of despair that I once traveled through, I can see the distance that God has brought me and those moments give me strength, for whatever else may lie ahead of me.

Today, I can say without a doubt; that if God wouldn't have been there for me; then I would still be a ship lost at sea...never knowing what direction to take in life. God's words and constant love for me became a lifeline to hold to and without this lifeline; I know that I would have drowned beneath the waves of each problem.

I thank God for the love He gave me and the shelter He provided for me, while facing the many difficult storms of my life. I truly pray that each word you read, within the pages of this book, will become a lifeline to you, as you face your own storm. You may feel that the circumstances in your life, are allowing you to feel hopelessly lost...with no hope in sight but today, God and I would like to give you a brand new hope...a hope that will become a lifeline for you to hold to and all you have to do, is give God your weaknesses and when you do this, then He will exchange your weaknesses, for a lifeline of perfect strength...a strength that will keep you safe and secure, until the storm has passed by.

Dear Reader...

God has a plan for each of our lives. No person is different or greater in the eyes of God and He has made each of us in a unique way, so when He places us all together; His master plan is complete.

It's not always easy to understand why some people suffer more than others. Sometimes we find out the reason for our suffering, through the different ways God uses our suffering. There may be times, when we have to wait, while other times, we receive a quick response from God but no matter what He is allowing and for what purpose, we have the assurance that in the end, we will receive the answers to our questions.

Until the day comes, when we are together with God in Heaven; His desire is that we work alongside of Him, during difficult moments as these, rather than fighting Him, as we attempt to handle these difficult moments on our own. God has given us two choices in life...we can either choose to lean on His powerful strength and allow Him to take us above these moments of despair or we can choose to sit in our ashes of despair and allow our weaknesses to have complete control over our lives.

One day, as my husband, Keith and I were having devotions, God gave me something special to think on and I would like to share this thought with you today. "When we accept Jesus into our lives; He breathes His own life within ours and from there it's our responsibility to allow His life to come out of us and touch others. If we don't allow this to happen...even while facing the difficult times in our lives, we will soon find that we have suffocated God's spirit within ours."

Through time, I have come to see that God never wastes anything that He may allow within our lives. God seems to know when to work, at just the right time and when we trust God and are alert to His still small voice, rather than dwelling on the symptoms of a problem; then we will truly experience the fullness of a powerful God in our lives. We must remember that good and evil cannot reside together; so we will either live for God or the circumstances that attempts to run and rule our lives.

If you are a disabled reader, just remember that God never allows your illness or handicap to become a waste either. It's amazing how God uses different disabilities, to be of encouragement to others...just by the way we respond to the difficulties we face. You, of all people, can relate to others, who have similar disabilities; so allow God to show you how you can use your disability for Him, rather than allowing the disability to dictate your life and remember one more thing... "Disable" doesn't mean "not able" in God's vocabulary. You may never know when your life may change the life of another person, so allow God to use your weaknesses for Him; that His strength may be seen through your weakness.

Just as God uses our lives, so His beauty and strength can shine forth to others; He will also finish the work that He has begun, in each of our lives. Sometimes we can feel that we will never be set free from our circumstances but God promises us, in Philippians 1:6 that, "Being confident of this very thing; that he which hath begun a good work in you, will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ." Today, you may feel as though God has forgotten you but He hasn't; for He's just waiting for the right time, to complete the work that He has begun in you.

The long drawn out moments of our lives can seem like we are waiting for our piece of the puzzle to be put in place. Most everyone has put a puzzle together in their lifetime and after dumping all the pieces of the puzzle onto a table, we start to look for all the flat pieces and corners. Once we've put the frame of the puzzle together, then we continue to slowly seek out the pieces that will bring the puzzle to completion. Even though we may try...we cannot just put any piece of the puzzle into place and force it to go where it does not belong because then the true picture of the puzzle would never be seen. In a similar way, God sometimes has to stand back, while our puzzle piece is being formed just right, so we will fit into the right part of God's master plan. Sometimes, this waiting process can seem long and difficult but once we trust God to place us right where we belong, then God's true beauty will shine through our lives; that others may also experience his loving care.

Quite a while back, God brought a beautiful story to my thoughts and I would like to share it with you today. In the story, I began to see Jesus, as He was walking down a long and lonely road to Calvary. He was carrying a very heavy cross and His body dripped with blood, from the beatings He experienced. I began to follow right behind Him, as I too, was weighed down, with a heavy load of heartache and pain. As I approached Him, I began to tell Him about the load that I was carrying and all He said to me was to follow Him...so I did.

As we approached a hill, there appeared to be two thieves hanging on their crosses and as I drew closer, I saw a Roman soldier throw Jesus onto His cross, which was lying on the ground. I could barely watch, as the soldiers began to hammer spikes into His hands and feet. Once the soldiers had Jesus in place, I began to see the sky darken, as lightning bolts shot across the sky. I yelled up to Jesus and said... "What's happening?" He looked down at me and said, "I have become the complete sacrifice, for the sins of this world, along with the load of heartache and pain you are carrying on your back." Then as I looked up once more, I heard Him say... "It is finished" and from there, He hung His head and died. From that moment on, I began to feel different and as I quickly looked behind me, the heavy load that I once carried was no longer there. As I walked away; I knew that I would never be the same again because Jesus had taken my heavy load and nailed it next to Him on the cross, where it remained...as I walked away free.

If you are lost and you are searching for the pathway that can lead you from despair; turn to God and call out His name and He will reach down, into your deep pit of despair and will lift you out of the hands of destruction and give you a new start. Remember one thing today...God doesn't want us to just know of Him but rather, He wants us to truly know Him and connect with Him, in a way that will allow Him to work in and through us, despite the difficult moments we may be facing.

God has become the best friend to me and I know that He is always there for me. When I needed Him; He never once walked away from me or abandoned me and even though the paths have been rough and rugged, I can say that God's love never grew dim, for He became my sunshine by day and my moonlight by night. God remained close, even when the clouds that surrounded me became their darkest and He did all of this to say... "I love you, Diane."

Now I understand God's reasons, for allowing me to walk down a difficult pathway in life because I had to experience a taste of pain and heartache, so I could discover God in a way that would allow Him to work through me. As each tear fell throughout my lifetime, I found that my own selfish desires began to leave and when God saw that I was at the level, where He wanted me to be; then that's when He began to put His plan into action for my life.

Even while working on this book, I have truly come to see how far God has brought me in my life and I will never be able to send up enough praise, to thank Him, for all He's been to me. God has truly opened up these blinded eyes, so I could understand the reasoning, for why He allowed so much to enter into my life. I have come to see that it was not His intention to hurt me but rather, to prepare me, for something great in life...something that could bring honor and glory to His name.

Someday soon, I will walk the last mile of this journey that God has had me on for so many years. As I stand before Jesus, I will fall into the arms of One so true...the One that always stood beside me and never walked away...the One who became my best friend and as I take that final step into heaven, I will recognize Him because He will be the One with the scars on His hands and feet.

As I begin to take in all the beauty of heaven, I will breathe a sigh of relief, as God wipes away the final tears from my eyes and as I look up to Him, maybe this is what He will say to me... "Diane, I knew the pathway was never easy, for I cried with you too but it's alright now...it's all over my child...you will never suffer again." From there, He will bend down and loosen each shackle of pain and heartache that I have endured and as He removes them; He will exchange them for a beautiful robe and crown.

As I begin to walk even further into Heaven with Jesus, I will begin to see that I'm not limping anymore and there is no more pain. The scars that marked my body for so many years are no longer there and the rod that stiffened my leg is gone and I am now able to run and kneel before Him. I fall to my knees for the first time, as my eyes remain fixed on Jesus. As we continue to walk together; I turn around for the final time, as Heaven's gates are being closed forever. I begin to realize that I have truly reached my destination in Heaven, where I will never suffer with pain and heartache again. What about you? Where will your pathway end? The painful storms you're experiencing will never cease and you will never find the hope that you are longing for, until you find Jesus.

Visit Diane at Risen Hope Ministries – http://www.risenhopeministries.com

