- I started sending nudes
for the first time this year.
For the first time in my
life, thank you so much.
Don't let this
turtleneck fool you.
(audience laughs)
Uh, yeah, I yeah, I
yeah, I have them.
I'm sending them off,
I'm firing them off,
you know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, I'm good at it too.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Yeah, I for a long time I didn't
because I thought
like I was above it.
I'm not.
(audience laughs)
No, I'm not at all.
And my nudes are great,
because I took a photography
class in college, right.
So, I'm giving you depth,
I'm giving you foreground,
background, I'm color blocking,
you understand, this is art.
And here's a little advice
for dudes sending nudes.
Pick up your fucking socks.
(audience laughs)
If you can't put in the
effort to pick your socks up,
I know that I'm better off with
a vibrator, you understand.
Like I can see that, right away.
And like if you're sending
like a mirror nude,
I don't know if that's the
technical term, I'm new here.
But if you're
sending a mirror nude
and your counter is a mess, I
don't want to suck your dick,
I want to put the top
on the toothpaste,
do you understand, that's.
(audience laughs)
Just a little bit of
effort will go a long way.
That's really good advice,
I'm gonna be a really
good stepmom some day.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I got a
stepmom vibe, right.
Love every other weekend
and on the holidays.
Yes, please, you know.
And I'll take you out,
I'll take you to the park,
I'll take you to
the... park, you know.
I'm taking you out, you know.
And you'll give me a
little bit of attitude
because I won't care because
I'm fucking your Dad, right.
(audience laughs)
It's pretty much my
dating status right now.
It's pretty much a
crow in the branches
of an old oak tree,
just like waiting for
your parents marriage
to dissolve so I could
just like swoop down, and
(bird call)
fuck your Dad.
(audience laughs)
I got the face of a
stepmom too, right.
Like I look like
somebody you would trust,
but not somebody you'd like.
Yeah, I've seen mirrors.
So it's @MollyOAustin.
You can DM pictures of your
hot Dads, no ugo's, okay.
I mean that, right.
And I could be your
new stepmom, you know.
@MollyOAustin, send me
pictures of your Dad.
We can share a Dad, right.
No, I probably wouldn't
make it to stepmom,
I'd probably just be
like some weird lady
in your kitchen in the
morning once in a while.
That's kind of more my style.
I like being
single, I am single,
I like being single, I like
going where I want to go,
I like doing what I want to do,
I like seeing who I want to see.
I like having the types of
sex, that I like to have.
And there are so many
different types of sex,
and there are these apps,
that can make your
dreams come true.
Like I'm personally on Bumble,
and I crush it on Bumble,
thank you so much.
I didn't crush it at first,
but then I figured it out,
I cracked the code.
Well is anybody
else here on Bumble.
(audience member woos)
Oh, just one sad lady in the
balcony, yeah fucking right.
Suck my tits, its a
proximity app you idiots.
I'm gonna get on stage,
I'm gonna turn it on,
and I'm gonna see
all your dumb faces.
Swiping left.
Yeah, whatever, even if
you're in a relationship
you'll probably break up.
(audience laughs)
Statistically. (laughs)
Statistically.
So when you have to
get back out there,
I'll tell you how
to crush it, right.
It's a very easy process,
it's just step one,
hide your personality.
(audience laughs)
Hide your personality,
get on the date,
and then you release it, like
the Game of Thrones dragons.
And then after that
80% of success, is
showing up, you know.
Like you may not end
up together forever,
but you can go home for
the night, you know.
There's a multi-million dollar
film franchise dedicated
to how a boy will
fuck a pie, okay.
You're better than
a pie, you know.
And then step 2 is
to get your friend
whose very critical
of your eyebrows,
to arrange your
profile pictures.
And that part's a little
harder, a little sadder,
but it's worth it.
Like I met this one
guy and he was so hot,
like he was so so hot.
Like he's still
hot, he's not dead.
And we went out on
this great date,
and we went back to his place,
and he took off his shirt,
and can everybody see me
because he had these muscles,
yeah, I know, I know.
And I was like. (laughs)
And in my mind I was
like, Molly be cool,
like act like you've
seen it before, but.
(audience laughs)
I hadn't, not in real life,
do you know what I mean.
Like movies and
pictures of The Rock
on Instagram, of course,
but real life, no, you know.
(audience laughs)
And then we had sex, and
I had so many orgasms,
the real kind.
Ladies.
Yeah, but by the final orgasm,
I thought I was having a stroke,
because I've been having
sex for long enough to know
that it's just real tough
stuff on you fellas, isn't it.
It's just real tough stuff
to make a lady cum once,
let alone multiple times.
And I remember the final
orgasm is gearing up,
but I was like am I dying?
But no, it was just
a cool orgasm, right.
(audience laughs)
You know how good it's got
to be to contemplate death
and still cum.
(audience laughs)
Like obviously not for men,
you cum no matter what, right.
Like your making eye
contact with an oil painting
of your mother, it doesn't
slow you down a tick.
But the female orgasm
is so fragile, right.
It's so fragile, like I
remember there was another time
I was having sex,
because I get sex.
And I remember I was looking
at the wall, and in my mind,
I was like, this is going
great, and I was like,
hmm, is that eggshell or
off white, and it was gone.
It's like, when you blow
a kiss, where's it go,
you know you don't know,
but it's not there.
(audience laughs)
And then in the
morning, we woke up,
and he made us coffee
and then he made his bed,
and then he put on a
suit, and he went to work.
I just said he put on a
suit, and he went to work.
Your all sitting
there acting so cool
like your dating the guy
with the face with
these muscles, with
the multiple orgasms,
with the suit and the
tie, with the job.
No you're not, no you're not.
It was a Miracle on 34th street,
and 34th street was my
vagina, you understand.
I was walking home
like a backup singer.
I was in the streets like this.
I was like this.
I was giving you
points and winks
and making a ton of eye
contact, and nobody liked it.
But I didn't care, because it
was the best day of my life.
It's only a walk of shame,
if he doesn't make you cum.
Yeah, cause that's a shame.
It's 2019, if a man
isn't making you cum,
he's not even putting a Google
search into, you understand.
Or he can't read.
And even then, he can be like,
hey Siri, how do
make a nice lady cum.
And she'll tell you.
(audience laughs)
That jokes fun for me and
I'll tell you guys why.
Because the men who
laugh, laugh like,
"Ha, ha, yeah what
a bunch of idiots."
And then the ones that don't
are like, "Am I doing it."
And that's for me
as well as you.
So yeah. (laughs)
I don't know, I'm a big
believer in like getting
what you can get, while
you can get it, right.
I read this article where
a bunch of elderly woman
were interviewed and
they were all asked
if they can go
back in their life,
and do anything over,
what would they do?
And a lot of them said, I
wish I was more of a hoe.
A lot of them said this.
And if you look at the STD
rates in nursing homes,
they're through the roof, so
these are just cold hard facts.
So I think my
point is just like,
do it while you have your knees.
Like you use your
knees so much more
than you think you do, right.
I like I don't even get on top
anymore, if I'm not in love.
Saving my knee cartilage for
marriage, it's my dowry now.
So you know, let your
Dad know about my knees.
(audience laughs)
(dramatic music)
