 
### PRUFORKER'S WAY

Fisher Thompson

This book is work of fiction. Any reference to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author's imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Cover design by Sheamus MacGillivray

Copyright © 2017 by Fisher Thompson

Published by M.H. Dartos

at Smashwords

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Dandywallers he goes, sham in a forker's lane, as he pleezes, to mark his ployce. Gone perambulicious he has, entirely raademant, en route to Ocean City he sat like a Crabber in the Rhine in the back seat of the family car with Mallory B, age fifteen, a pretty girl and exquisite young lady. He twiddled and twaddled till he had the delicate flower shivering and shaking, knees wobbling, legs flexing, to gleefully accept her demise and plunder as vestiges of artistic pursuits.

"That's not it at all, that's not what I meant at all," bristles J. Aloisio Pruforker.

After the tender young words, after the tea, after the skirts that trail along the floor, after the young girl bending and stretching provocatively, after the consuming carnal thoughts. Throw off yer shawl. Shrug off yer skirts. Let a man wear the fuzz off yer muffin. It is impossible to say just what I mean! I am no a saint, nor was meant to be. And so he goes out a walkening like a Crabber in the Rhine, eating aaand drinking and smutting lovelorn lassies to his grizzled maw while he breaks a foiled wind of ailing curds and comes upon himself a mess of seamen brand. Hij beweegt zich zo hij breekt snel de wind.

Now it was a made afore method of raison he had that so allowed him this modicum of commodious turpitude to partake of Mormon's tea which disenchanted the weavers and woevers of the many troves but only now to come alone and bequeathed to none is his lot and loot and a freight worse than debt. Galileo, Galileo, stoon me Galileo, he cried, tune the heated breath to the interlocutor who is sin fact the executioner and dance away and toward the groundswell of fusion mustard gasses we send up ragged and torn, a radical decentering of our cultural sphere. To what do I speak! Alas, poor Yorick, I knew thee well, tho ye be unwell to death's chamber maid. A whore, a whore, my kingdom for a whore. Aye, so it is. Another poor beggarman brought down by the hairs that bind. 'Tis the pull beyond a twenty stallion team thæse seeming simple curlews expound upon the man, amen, who so spies them as his landing. And as he rode he bethought these thingagibbies and more or less afore to raison the hussies from plunder.

It's a stinking world because there's no law and order anymore! It's a stinking world because it lets the young get on to the auld. Oh, it's no world for an auld man any longer. What sort of a world is it at all? Mun on the moon, and mun spinning around the earth, and there's not no attention paid to earthly law and order no more. Mekes me right puggled. If yernae heelpin the waulde o'mun gie's a break ya toaty heid squaddie teke yer slaggy poofy self n sookit. Teke the paracetamol and dinnae stop.

The princess of correction shall be notified of yer disturbance.

Miles from the sparse towering modern malls, several kilometers down a sidewalk, just outside the shining and mauldy warehouse.The sound of shattering glass resonates.A man gazes hesitantly into a greasy locket. A stray dog runs away cooly."Do ye' think she is out there?" the woman wonders.The sound of a lonely car alarm is cut off violently.The bruised woman and the bloodied man cross gazes again.

Sorlick stepped back from the mirror with his raw wet razor in hand, ogled his long hard face, scratched his goolies, and saw a face like his own but ugly, knew he was swinging for hanging. This brought to mind his poor sweet sister Aima who so long ago had skittered faer and away and god knows what's come of her. Long Mac Emonis. Slywhillacker sheamus crieth bite not the cock that feedeth, no touch, no talk, no eye contact, best advice for meeting a strange cockling. But no idea she had as to his come arounds. Let it lie and die proper and true. Badge had she her cooter mound the whisper, the command, the come on, the, the, the...Sun's a bye bye on this dark day. With slitmost hoviality goeth. Mebbe time to shore up for the snickliing winter crawling. And then....and then...

Nothing atall, surely. Not a thing shall pass this gate without a lay bye, so it is decreed amongst mice or men. What does it all matter? We'll be all nice and quiet when we're dead and gone --- and nothin'll matter then. Slow the cock, feed the chickens. Not a greavestone in the wide and swingbutt world can save yer sorry behind. Chickens everywhere. We'll be all nice and quiet when we're dead and gone. It's like a fella hangin. He hasn't much of a choice. The evergreens did not even sway in their sleep in the churchyard, where bees droned between the graves from dandelion to white clover; and the laurelled path between the brown flagstones luked so worn smooth.

Life in the iron mills I see yet another godawfulcloudy day the air stifles me, thick, clammy, insuprocktuent foul. All is smoke! I see it roll smoke on the wharves, the platings, the moorswept tinders, smoke on the dingy boats, smoke on the yellow river, going brown in buckets. Smoke everywhere! Smoke clinging coating, schticking, greazy on the house front I see the dull grooly faces of the passersby. With drunken faces, full of unawakened power asking nothing of this world breaking always searing coughing choking yet their lives ask it; their deaths screech it. Long have I hoped! Long have I desired! That others would see this perfume tinted dawn so fair with promise, poisse, pimentos, Cuchulainn hope to come.

Suckmuell, Heubba, Spint, and Cagling, had a fling flang shamawhamper with Vebrugge I. B. Gon. Ver B so called hadda markins lyke JI549834 peerin offis au naturel byootox anall so when he got runnin and jumpin ana singinlyke he was wont to do the pain of watchin to all a retchin case of juggernauts fluitis and set the groundswell mites of the island ployces to fall about laffin so hard they fit to burst they shortsin explosive fecalia. Was a manner of playawfulness the island folk had brought one and all to the ployces of gathrins as they did of oddeven moments. There was plumbs and grumes and cheriffs and citherers and raiders and cinemen too.

Time ago tha island was home only to nuts and buries and critters large tho mostly small but now that the manny of minionkind had found their grisly ways into and around this island presides of Eve and Adam the whole shebangin lot of joltin egg farters have busted into a eucalyptimus blossom of gaping pig shiite and people panic and turned this one time glycerine nitride termini into a godawfl retch of slop house swine. The locals aint so loco as to think about bangin em on the noggins and gettin em to gettin out but all the seamen they would ne to mind the limination. To the continuation of that celebration until Hanandhunigan's extermination! Some in kinkin corass, more, kankan keening. Shos then the hospititialities of the world at largesse. Nvr mind, it is sed, nvr mind, we could always conspire a tasty sweet meats and set things to rite. See what happens when the somatophage merman takes his fancy to the virgitarian swan of the island folk. This swan's Mayan and that wan's urine! Zymoglyphic.

Ain't that swell, hey? Peamengro! Talk about lowness! Suckmueller Hacoba had 'is own mind made about such goins on and tauld ever a one so much as lent an ear, tho onlee the def wuns would care to bother, bad livers and all, chompin at the horse tooth faeries and juicin the gherkin post. His scutschum fessed, with archers strung, helio, of the second. Hootch is for husbandman handling his hoe.Wuz a world in a world in a world all curled up and brownin nice fer tha feast of tha Goolies.

While they were ephedra free and...were...supposedly...may not change overnight, nothing that drastic does and clindamycin, conjugative transposons contain all about Wimmin - a full-featured site celebrating woomonhood. Wimmin helping wimmin. Wimmin sharing with wimmin. Wimmin supporting wimmin. A site for free thinking and Wimmin helping wimmin.

Hide and steek, Cowpuddles and cowpuddles, twixt the grømmin of the lately day ken ye' hear and feel the wet and slop of the puddle pellets. Tho not a pellet to be found underskirt. But petals run free. Tee the tootal of the fluid hang the twoddle of the fuddled, O! Ye' three or four common is drippin away yer muffins bye and bye. With their deepbrow fundigs and the dusty fidelios. Lay him brawdawn alanglast bed.

How charmingly exquisite!

An unprotracted female at the pyramids. Pride, O pride, thy prize! Jute! Stench! A door, a rose, a shite, a blind wench unfaulding the lawnderee. A leaf is left to wither a crunchy bunchy death shapen. An ox is a cow of a bulldyke difference, wanting of sauterne expositure as it was. A hatch, a celt, an earshare this; queer and it continues to be quaky. Stay us wherefore in our search for tighteousness, O Sustainer, what time we rise and when we take up to toothmick and afore we lump down upown our leatherbed and in the night and at the fading of the stars! Upwap and dump em, Fæce to Fæce! The oaks of auld now they lie in peat yet elms leap where askes lay. Phall if ye' but will, rise ye' must: and none so soon either shall the pharce for the nunce come to a setdown secular phoenish. A bone, a pebble, a ramskin; chip them, chap them, cut them up always; leave them to terracook in the muttheringpot. Everyone puts his fault on the times. Only the ferocious ruthlessness of life had made it in time seem so.

His opine is what mattered but mattered not at all.

Our thyme is anigh for croössing barriers, for erasing auld kittergories, for proôbing around. Stammering coughs sneezes hiccoughs snarls pain screams fear whimperings sputterings slobberings droolings idjit sex noises and animal sounds affect a revoltolution. Ze anal canalé does no produce lubricanus to 'elp ze penetracioné. Greeze up yer buttercup greeze 'er up greeze 'er up. Plenty a piece of idjit a time these parts für clopping. Tis a fermers lyphe of fomenting the fermented verdurous planes where the majestic mounts a peelin grease the greater good of idjified raison. The Mahommedans in general do not appear to be much shoocked by their effrontery their ebackery their esidery or their undersidery. Be right and be last afore ye' be first and be wrong.

Within a brightly lit theater, down the brown gleaming street.The rooms are overrun with green grafitti."Why are ye' lost?" the man ponders silently."Do ye' think there could ever be a reason?" the faceless individual replies.The rain fills the air."Remember when she was still alive?" the man says.

Female sex is to be seen in the streets qoit regorgeless and unlaced. Peas can grow very well without sticks, and cannot only grow thus unsupported, but can also make their way about the nether world without encumbrance of sticks whatsoever. A stickless pea is a mareveled thing, like du peas in a pod of peas. She was a Hunan creature, with arms and legs, and she indented to juice them. A fault wance denied is twice committed. Her child was oneyearsauld and she wantedmoresperms.

She was determined to grasp at a life of her own desiring, no longer content to drag through with her repetitive days, neither happy nor unhappy, merely passing them in the wearying spirit of service; and the more the calls of duty tried to tie her down to this life the more intolerably burdensome it became.

While far and away from this small farm among the hills, shut away from living by its pigsties and byres and the rutted lane that twisted out to the road between stone walls the salinators of salty seas. Everywhere they were plounding about and waggin their foppacious thingies at any and all tho mostly none would dare cross their salinacious paths. A salivating and salinating they would go, and come, the most gallinaceous salinators of the sapientious salinating hordes. A salination nation. And Willer Chompkins was at hates haid of the alienating salination events. Willer loved to speak at length and width never exceeding his depth to the folks of the fair environs called his homeland: Didja notice fair upslope peoples of this grate oasis called our little island how the wance proud and bountiful sea so lately now called the Near Dead Sea has become a festering cesspool of slopping rot due to the pugnacious nay buddhistitic jimbobs who have taken it upon themselves to desecrate and befoul our wance pure virgin lands? And what do we respond to such outrageous outrage? Nuttin. Not a thing. Means as little as a flower that has withered in a vase behind curtains through the winter when it's discovered and lifted out on a day in spring. Powerful weather we're havin'. The eternal medals and rosary beads were waiting on the spikes of the gate.

Dis has become a case of all divided by one and we must take root upon ourselves to form a new pollination of refusal to such outrageous gutting of our communal fuzzy pie, no matter how trickelsing it may be. No man to dare stick a finger into my pie, I say it is ungodly and unkempt, and undiurnal that these prattlepate belchbounders have dared to finger the community pie. And not only finger it do they; they lick and lick and dip in that soiled finger again and again! Were this act of theirs the seminal seamen of semination, flooded would we be with the spitful spawn of their saline-franchised loinmeats. Then we'll know if the feast is a flyday. She has a gift of seek on site and she allcasually ansars helpers, the dreamydeary. Heed! Heed! Mun talk bout there goes the neighborhood! We must, we must, charge forth or burst upon ourselves the fetid diarrhetic discharge of a cowardly people what no longer deserve purchase on so pure a land.

The tragipotamus Lester Shomkins sobbed, himself wheywhingingly sick of life on some sort of a rhubarbarous maundarin yella- green funkleblue windigut dioding applejack squeezed from sour grapefruice and, to hear him twixt his sedimental coombslips when he had gulfed down mmmmuch too mmmmany gourds of it retching off to almost as low withswillers, who always knew notwithstanding when they had had enough and were rightly indignant at the wretch's hospitality when they found to their horror they could not carry another drop, it came straight from the noble white fat, jo, openwide sat, jo, jo, her why hide that, jo jo jo, the winevat, of the most serene magyansty az archdio- cheese, if she is a duck, she's a douches, and when she has a feherbour snot her fault, now is it? Now to lounge afore the fire and lose himself in the fantastic flaming of the branches: how they spat or leaped or burst in a shower of sparks, changing from pale red to white to shifting copper, taking on shapes as strange as burning cities.

He never di care to know the differs tween jo sabe and wasabe so no telling what the messa gromrude could be mead of the mastiff messes of the restis. Igneous to indigenous to ingenuous he di not know or kair ta but he could sure to know the differs tween rot gut and snot smut. Of the ladder he was plentee the gentlehandmen wi hisself to anertain on those menee a hot smookin nites by the glimmerer. Na a woomon wench was seen fit nor flabbee to round the corners o the pale moon skyes cuz of the menee stories tauld of beastie jowlin crabbers out n about in the twilight gleamins. And Lester Shompkins was not to raggen chase em down no how, a sailer of ye aulden so he was. Bring em dok side and the games afoot of anee size yeropean. Was a world of plentee and thassawaysit stays for Lester type blokes or brakes on the lorrees.

Around the endless grey crumbling offices,down the street,just outside a glowing and shining theater, a raccoon runs away slowly.The man and the aged wanderer cross gazes wance more. Olinda retreated to the pom pom of the bom bom in those feral days by tha Guanifer and ever auld Manny felid was coming up the rye patch, luking ever the ancient with foolsstrap eggdrops overhanging the garder helm. It's an easy rhyme of Anoka Blain given the tenor of cumberstendin and how she tauld them to never agin drisc the tentoples. Rot a peck of pa's malt had Jhem or Shen brewed by arclight and rory end to the regginbrow was to be seen ringsome on the aquaface. Mastabatoom, mastabadtomm, when a mon merries his lute is all long. For whole the world to see the south-west wind gathers moisture on its long journey across the oceans, then strikes against the mountains, rises to a great height, and pisses down on the poor unfortunates who earn their daily bread by the sweat of their brows in this holy, catholic, and apostolic country of Ireland. Get roasted alive in hell or drownded and perished in Connaught.

Hendy thought of the present-day Arcadians, autochthonous, sprung like ergolian beetles from the apple core of Liverpudlian gremets and from the very earth on which they live, who with every draught from a lilywhite stream drink up the nighties and the cherry blossom girlies of millennia of history and legend. And when he sawanews was seen by the many and the few proud thought they may or may not be he was assured a blessed vetting had indeed respired and retired onnner and byond a bledlow bandisgorn he the marver of hellion scoring from Oconee to Swacagonee into viles of crocodile soups and casseroled all for the unrestless natives. Olinda was a wanderin an a ponderin and tellin of the days and nights of auld yeller baskets when of a wance wallstrait auldparr is retaled early in bed and later on life down through all Christian minstrelsy. She coulda given a black reddy round ta any hanshin fool come galloopin a round about tha way but she did te fairly know the shine of stars in the evvens and why they range so free. She had not yet dulled her sense of the mystery of life with the business or distractions of the day and the hour. The rules and the beatings started after she set fire to the curtains. She wanted to see how the purple silk would curl under a flame. She wanted to see what happened to beautiful things when they burned...click pop click pop click pop...

...sonofa-flyin-feckshite, stupid bathroom door why din't I now later later fire snappin' and poppin' and everything later calm calm silent and still silent and still and drip drip drip drip drip drip sonofa -- what a man must do to wither his rest to relax to to to bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Never back a woomon ye' defend, never get quit of a friend on whom ye' depend, never make face to a foe till he's rife, and never get stuck to another man's wife. Weak stop work stop walk stop whaack. Ye' are whom ye' eat and only as young as the woomon ye' feel. A stitch in thine saves mine. To the world and to Ireland she presented an authentic image of her person, so often exposed and befouled, by very reason of her beauty and her activities, to erroneous or tasty interpretations.

Daudet abhorred these useless carnivals. Stood aside watching. Forget the history of Europe. Be Miguel de Cervantes. A malignant and a turbaned Turk had come upon the river nymphs amid the dolorous and humid echo. No gossoon. What a mousse of a man he was, a pure rodent of the lowest commune defibrillator, which brought to mind a verse by Shakespeare. Ah, bear in mind this garden was enchanted! Auto da fé, auto da fé. Disdain condemns Salammbô with no possibility of appeal. But wore is the truth? Truth, whose mother is history, rival of thyme, suppository of deeds, witness of the past, exemplar and adviser to the present, and the future's counselor.

How many heartbeats in a coupling. History, the mother of truth: the idea is astounding. There is no exercise of the intellect which is not in the final analysis useless. Fame is a form of incomprehension, maybe the worst. The gloom hath rays her lump is love. And it is the fullsoot of a tarabred. Poor mundicant is he who toils in soot aflame with stryphe. Stryped stryphe being the woistest. And like a scorching pomegranate of rectumius rectitude it disappears into the portals of Uranus. Poor ole Steely Ben Dover, knew him weller than he knew.

For one man in his armor is a fat match always for any girls under shurts. Sob's the lessons. But let yer ghost have no grievance, Lucy, were ye' a birdie beast or a slut snoring with an impure infant on a bench ye're better off where ye' are, primesigned in the full of yer dress. To be a hanging clean in purty pinkenes is tanglesome of wretches who snortle a lovesong and teak ye' riding high and feral with the parkly bench always in brains. Never a national that kind, never a darkened national. 'Twould turn ye' against life, so 'twould. And the weather's that mean too. Fierce is the first kiss of a Jam Jar woomon, it says: I own you. And this she does, neither hungry nor beseeching simply the scrunching of a handsome face. She is multihued, flippant, engaging, sometimes wicked, almost always seditious. There'll be bluebells blowing in salty sepulchres the night she signs her final tear. No silver ash or switches for that one. While flattering candles flare. Her hair's as brown as ever it was. And wivvy and wavy. Creator he has created for his creatured ones a creation. And oh she's stylish, grandiloquently so, to forward the backward chopping guarders and the embassy emaciates of farther fame that has shown the wonders of nature's rebuke. Is it money can buy her love then, is it money then Mr. Mooney? Methinks not is her love partaken by money for the heart of this harrier can be won only in like repose, no possession nor repossession will she carry in mind. Twinkle toe the tarried coalers of Hades and dance the pervish of delight when her moon glow rises new. His clay feet, swarded in verdigrass, stick up starck where he last fellonem, by the mund of the magazine wall, where our maggy seen all, with her sisterin shawl.

If she wannna play, Drøømmel the Hetman cometh to the garbinkarin. Of the largdesfüller ye have to make a kindred shotsight to birds of squalor divine in the pond scum of ranged rovers. It's a mean chance taken she is to plait the weever ways of auldstellars. But then she awls did Thinkur knewitall and all she knewitnot. The Littleton now big snot basket of booger Manny is not too restive or Restif de la Bretonne. Il parle de la prise de la Bastille et des journées d'octobre. The Rousseau of the gutter, the Voltaire of the chambermaids. And this she commands as her nanny goats wheedlin roan of highstock trades. Oh Junischa, Junischa Lorie Lou. A neurotic subject she is at that and more or less when the plat sabbo fits. Earth-mamateat who swans about in filmy white ensembles and exists only to fulfill the fantasies of men. She jist does hope till byes will be byes. Here, and it goes on to appear now, she comes, a peacefugle, a parody's bird, a peripotmother, a pringlpik in the ilandiskippy, with peewee and powwows in beggybaggy on her bickybacky and a flick flask fleckflinging its pixylighting pacts' huemeramybows, picking here, pecking there, pussypussy plunderpussy. And a knock on the door BAM! BAM! BAM! She is livving in our midst of debt and laffing through all plores for us (her birth is uncontrollable), with a naperon for her mask and her sabboes kickin arias (so sair! so solly!) if yous ask me and I saack you.

In the entrance of a strangely lit office building, away from the few nearly infinite glass smokestacks. The floors smell of mauld. A bloodied model peers into a cracked light-bulb. A stray cat picks up the broken TV remote in their mouth and runs away. "Why are ye' aged?" the man remarks. "Do ye' think he saw us?" the woman thinks.

Hou! Let young wimmin run away with the story and let young mun talk smooth behind the butteler's back. Aboriginal indigenous native, formed or originating in the ployce where found the bellyochs of tumargrade and turnaround time is upon her. Nous pouvons l'aimer si nous ne tuons pas son premier.

One continuous stream of dregs made their way through an evil-smelling mass of rags, filth and ruffianism, assembled to jeer, applaud, insult and rob.

A house, a yard, a boat, wife, a bridge, a peel, a scrap, a life

Honors flash in the sommer sun, as schlitgreen corn does in the morning harlegebber. Then they gleam mature and mellow miceteeth at the time of reaping. They are bagged, slagged, zagged, perhaps by a woomon's arm, with a cut below the scabbledy knees, set on their buttuckus for a man to sit under while eating his bilgy bread and cheese. Then they wither, and are tossed into wolf chaff by a contumelious steam engine with a leathern strap inflexible.

Sommer surprised us coming over Binn Chaorach.

In the mountains ye' feel free, unshod as Heidi on a moorswing, but Earth is forgetful, time ticks mothwise, they flip their tails, and snuffle, and grunt take stock of one another, and she spreads out her legs, and plays for some to come and help her, then away she goes like a storm of wind, haidlong through trees and bushes, where stood a maiden dressed in black, with the moonlight sheer upon her face, white as an aspirin, the cat came by curious for mischief and off into a heavy gorsebush and stood there quivering from knob to tail in the intensity of terror, machines clanked along steam and shovel, decimation station, and waaaaoo (plea...), waaaaoo oo (please...no...), it's a gorley bush full of misamplificated woe, a spellbind of snowblind weasel folk slipping and slooping to raise the moon for Red October. Tis a pall tyne they seek, poor sods as they. Perhaps she would marry again. And rear up another family. Who knew not.

Perhaps she would cry her eyes out. Smack a young branch. Schtook him in the face.

Pruforker rolled over and over, and dug himself a rabbithole of sand, and dead leaves, and moss. There Jimmy lay on his back and prayed to Uranus while pluggin' 'is soundly. Moyther cried. Favther died. Life pussed on. He luked through the trees and saw only a squinting squirrel. He saw two immense black eyes full upon him, tenderly touched by the moonlight, and he felt a schlimy wet thing like a sponge poking away at his rear station. The rodent horde was on him. Digging and churning and and and nibbling slap nibbling slap slap slapppppppp...

How could ye' serve me so beastly burdens. Wit away away away. Nautical winds wail thee. Hear the plaintive cry of yer sommer fairmaiden. Tis all it is and more than a millsbucket. Jarl Titmouse came up from the Partridge Poof to keep Rufius Halliotosis company. So the two had all the great whole diddlywap dinner table to themselves entirely. John, as the auld friend, sat on his haid at the haid, and the doctor sat by his right hand on his left keeping his right cocked for rapidimo fire. Although there were few men in the world with the profundity of mind and diversity. The dainty pliė turns of thought. The pas de poisson. The lacework. The intricacies. The entanglements. The hint of mint. The infinitely rich original mind and auld reading, which made Jarl Titmouse's company a forest for to wander in and be amazed. A tableaus of pleasure. Though Rufius Halliotosis; sore, stiff, and in the back aching, thought he had rarely come across so very dry a person what has very little physical force and has no chance of penefornitrating any parts or materials.

His eyes doesflip open when the beautiful blonde nubile nubbly girl strips for us. Tender Mercies and she is our little shining starshiner. Sexy photo gallery art. When she takes off her tiny red thingitty thong. She. She. And then she. Then she then she does the most amazing thing. The sight of her striking naked body sprawled on the bed is just...just...just...Too auld and crusted are we not worthy by half. Mr. Titmouse had labored hard, but vainly, to persuade her to...to...and...then...

No, she declared, I never, well, hardly ever, no, the black idea of even working in the auld friend's company is unraveling some dark skein my skin melts from me.

Beauties so excessive could not but enjoy the privileges of eternal novelty. The condition of flash was not included as a possibility. Her thighs were so exquisitely fashioned, that either more or less flesh than they had would have removed them from perfection. Steady as she goes. But what infinitely enriched and adorned them, was the sweet intersection formed where they met at the bottom of the smoothest roundest whitest belly, by that central furrow which nature had sunk there, between the soft relievo of two pouting ridges, and which, in this girl, was in perfect symmetry of delicacy and miniature with the rest of her frame. The Negro mouthed a thumb and pokked her downy spring moss. Her eyes lit fire. Mouth ran circles. All the men want to press their mouths into my vagina and the crack of my behind. The piston becomes exposed fluid spraying outward. Flow rate, velocity and spray profile very difficult to predict. The auld man was impatient now she was skeining off ailyoly and away from his lecheronymous grasp, sweating like a pregnant nun. Of course he was sorry for her. Moreso for him. For him that getteth not. For him that wanders itinerated and cauldsodded turning new leaf gone petrificationated as a duty to arboreal ethos. Coarse language! Grampupus is fallen down but grinny sprids the boord. Whase on the joint of a desh? Finfoefom the Fush. Whase be his baken head? Some votary of our selfconscious euphemism. But show me any plainer work of the father of unbelief than want of faith in our fellow creatures. Devour thee I shall, Tender Mercies. The day tis come and night to pitter patter. Silence is a state uncongenial. A grunt. A sniffle. A chomp of the fur. A slash of the air at wance. Drink out of the river a fine sentiment and laugh with the gods. See how they step together when they dine. Away away, my pretty petals. Dusk descends us. Now under cover of plimteen nightshades he addressed himself at length to the materials of enjoyment, and lifting the linen veil that hung between her and his master member of the revels, exhibited one whose eminent size proclaimed the owner a true woomon's hero. Thus he fixed, nailed, this tender creature, with his home-driven wedge, so that she lay passive by force, and unable to stir, till beginning to play a strain of arms against this vein of delicacy, as he urged the to-and-fro confriction, he awakened, roused, and touched her so to the heart, that unable to contain herself, she could not but reply to his motions, as briskly as her nicety of frame would admit, till the raging stings of the pleasure rising towards the point, made her wild with the intolerable sensations of it, and she now threw her legs and arms about at random, as she lay lost in the sweet transport; which on his side declared itself by quicker, eager thrusts, convulsive gasps, burning sighs, swift laborious breathing, eyes darting humid fires: all faithful tokens of the imminent approaches of the last gasp of joy. It came on at length: the baronet led the ectasy, which she critically joined in, as she felt the melting symptoms from him, in the nick of which, gluing more ardently than ever his lips to hers, he shewed all the signs of that agony of bliss being strong upon him, in which he gave her the finishing titillation; inly thrilled with which, we saw plainly that she answered it down with all effusion of spirit and matter she was mistress of, whilst a general soft shudder ran through all her limbs, which she gave a stretch out, and lay motionless, breathless, dying with dear delight; and in the height of its expression, showing, through the nearly closed lids of her eyes, just the edges of their black, the rest being rolled strongly upwards in their ectasy; then her sweet mouth appeared languish-ingly open, with the tip of her tongue leaning negligently towards the lower range of her white teeth, whilst natural ruby color of her lips glowed with heightened life. This was a subject to dwell upon. The charmful waterloose country and the two quitewhite villagettes who hear show of themselves so gigglesomes minxt the follyages, the prettilees! Penetrators are permitted into the museomound free. Who has bolted his worm, or the robin over his spider's eggs? I see many pleasant faces thus I know I am unbound. Loose me yer gaulden bands of tongue that I may lay in yer Elysian meadows. Warm the manner from my loins. Kiss the moment of photosynthesis. The dance of twisted pain. The lash that strikes bauldly at my flesh. Know me through my glass of port merely as a corrective to the sherry of the morning. A beautiful girl I saw tonight. But I don't wish to see much more beauty in that way. Nearly cost me my life and thrice in short supply. Speak Latin or Greek but assaileth me no more, young shadow vixen. Pixie on to greener pesters.

From fairest creatures we desire increase. Thereby beauty's rose might never die. But as the reaper should by time decease. His tender heir might bear his memory. Pity the world, or glutton be. To eat the world's due, by the grave and thee. And so the general of hot desire was sleeping by a virgin hand disarm'd. Love's fire heats water, water cools not love. Smoke generated by fire, walls, ceilings, doors, sources of heat, lights, chemical oxygen generators, electrical equipment, igniting compartments, did she need? She did ne, did she did she? Ne but tork it she did despite and wheretofore, an aloishus nature she had, so had her sainted mother said on words of death depriving. Listen daughter dearest did not. Wound ne. Curd ne. Isamargin for market squares she unfaulded, unteatled, nair had not teat as child was, no teat, no screed, no heed for need not. Four point six point one point two point three, neat as pins in cushions or trees. A house on a hill overluking the sea, clouds aloud in shrouds displays, tweet tweets and whistle scratch, bring all ye got, bring all ye' catch, maulded and thermoformed parts will play, conviver the foil, conbibber away, smoke or flames by internal fault.

The crossing was over. They were arriving. Pulled from south wiwble cotingales and spit on land. Detritus of Mother Ocean. The movement of the twitlittle steamer that had collected the passengers from the scagboat drove the raw air against Marianna's face. In her tired brain the grey river and the flat misty shores slid constantly into a febrision of the gaslit dining-room at home the large clear glowing fire, the sounds of the family voices. Every effort to obloterate the picture brought back again the forendous moment that had come at the dinner table as they all sat silent for an instant with downcast mourning eyes and she had an immodiate and studden scrimpulse to go on forevereverever just sitting there with them all. A red tongue will destroy a healthy haid.

Now, in the boat she wanted to be free free free as a nakkid babby rooning and clooming and speletering onto shores of carnal rapturization for the strange grey river and the grey shores. But the homescenes recurred relentlessly plottering and crippling against her aching skull. Again and again she went through the last moments the oh so sad goodbyes, the communicative promises to be broken, the unexpected convulsive force of her mother's arms, her weakfish inability to give any answering embrace, cauld as deadfish at ocean's floor. She was silentstiff as a nun.

There had been a feeling that came like a tide carrying her away much like the hotly engraded times in the steamy lower quarters with Bruno the family hound. Talk she will not but carrieth the steaming memory betwixt and between her nethers. Eager and dumb and remorseful and a might dewy she had gone out of the house and into the cab, and then had come the long sitting in the flooptrain. Fire-flies hung in bright clusters on the dewy leaves that waved in the cool night-wind; and the flowers stood gazing in very wonder at the little Elves who lay. And then a long waiting and the brown leather strap swinging against the yellow grained door, the smell of dust and the dirty wooden flooring, with the noise of the wheels underneath going to the swinging strains of jazzabilly. The train had made her sway with its movements. Nothing had come but strange cruel emotions and quivering legs in salacious remembrance.

After the suburban train nothing was distinct until the warm snowflakes was drifting against her face through the cauld darkness on the quay. Then, after what seemed like a great loop of time spent going helplessly up a gangway towards the world she had stood, face to face with the pale polite stewardess in her cabin. I had better..., she said, feeling suddenly stifled with fear. She had a launderee list of fears; Ithyphallophobia is not one of them. Visitors can wander through dewy tea plantations and bamboo forests, or swim in a reservoir to the buzz of cicadas. When ye' manage to capture the... Beautiful is a feeling. It's presence of mind, a strong body, a glow from the inside out. It's being comfortable in yer own skin. It's a lifestyle. Dewy skin is set to be a major trend for spring, which means it would serve ye' well to start working on perfecting it now. Wild possessed she pulled her knees to her ample breastages so that anyone could see her lace-covered furry flower, exposed in all of its moist glory. She removed her dainties and hung them on the bedpost. I've wanted a dewy luk for a long time, and I'm 25 years auld! I wouldn't do the sheer lipstick, but is there anything wrong with my having lively woomon parts?

For hours she had laid despairing, watching the slowly swaying walls of her cabin or sinking with closed eyes through invertebrate dipping spaces. Afore each releasing paroxysm she tauld herself this is again remembering me to Bruno, good company, warm tongue, animal impulses, pummeled me to exhaustion, unloaded wave upon wave upon wave upon wave upon wave ... Still have scratches on my hips, buttocks, and upper thighs. Dripped for one week. Her agile hands wandered south and found her center cleftbud. Prodded her wet flower. Three squeezes later she was onfire.

She wanted to draw herself upright and take off her clothes, find a wandering seadog and impanted become. She had a launderee list of fears; Ithyphallophobia was not one of them.

They were nearing a little low quay backed by a tremendous saffron-colored signpost announcing in black letters **BENDOVER POINT.**

...breathlessness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, feeling sick, shaking, coronary heart palpitations, inability to talk or think clearly, a fear of dying becoming mad or losing control, a sensation of detachment from reality, nicks, cuts, abrasions and other flaws, a full blown anxiety attack.

Music plays like rain falling delicate as shards of metal echoing in a cave and joined by whispered words. Welcoming and walloping at the same time. Marianna cared not filled of gases or vapors, even so, attention must be given, attention must be given, lest it sway and snap sending all afoul, airtight she be, airtight she remain. Clancy wance had tried, with nary the luck, to force his hand, force it full and swearing cussed till gave up he did at smoke detected, her eyes aflamed, exhausting the cooling air, ensuring her compartment remains free, from harmful or hazardous concentrations. To the market she twaddles, her sweet lamb at her heels, airtight equipment secure unfondled, non-airtight equipment shall not comply, the goods, goods so blessed long afore this wondrous moment stops, fire retardant to recrude the propaflation of flames originating, perpestuating, so good, so good, so blessed, metallic housings undesirable, impractical, adequate barrier, physical separation, openings secured, no forced cooling allowed, seat box shroud cooling holes, divine, heroic, human, barbarism, storia ideale eterna, common to every nation.

Black night.

Screaming sunrise.

The briny sea.

Perched atop the rolling soils, mind adrift, all ardor about nothing. But that night after, ye' were wanton! Yer passions seared into me inner and outer skein. Bidding me do this and that and the other. Abandoned at fifty-nine in the infancy of my youth, just learning to crawl, surrounded by young gravids, eyes afire loins attuned to scented melodies, Johann Sebastian Bach swelling along, contrapuntal whispers, bouncing bass runs below, familiar with all beautiful forms and images, with all that is sweet or majestic in the simple aspects of nature, of that indestructible love of flowers and fragrance, and dews, and clear waters and soft airs and sounds, and bright skies and woodland solitudes, and moonlight bowers, the material elements of poetry, and with that fine sense of their indefinable relation to mental emotion, which is its essence and vivifying soul, and which, in the midst of her most busy and tragical scenes, falls like gleams of sunshine on rocks and ruins, contrasting with all that is rugged or repulsive, and reminding us of the existence of purer and brighter elements. And she and her train rode off down the moonbeams. Come with me, and I will give ye' faeries to attend on you. So she called four faeries, whose names were Peesplash, Snotweb, Maggot, and Mustardgas.

Inhibit propagation of a fire from the lower lobe area to the over-ceiling space. Lingua mentale commune, universale fantastico. The self-indulgent aristo, the ci-devant Lepter, brasquath thine cunt onto mine thighs. Squaddid who had expiated his villainies upon the guillotine was known to have been successful in abstracting the bulk of his ill-gotten wealth concealed in a turbulent third world cesspool of infamy. There was a stoon outside his hutch, a tall grey speckled stoon. It seemed to like him and was friendly and maybe had been seeing him going by and took interest in his flatwallerasshed. He liked to go by the stoon in the mornings and leave it there like a friend waiting for when he got back. But come back he did not thereby and therefore his wheretofore was uncompopulated in heretofortitude.

Out beyond the bone inflicted islands, the sea lay heavily calm done now with fierce pounding. Many a time he had stood and luked at it from the hills, far up above, a wisp of Icarus obtaining. On a calm day, the ships seemed hardly to move at all, he could see the same sail for three days, small and white, like a gull on the water. Then, perhaps, if the wind veered round, the peaks in the distance would almost disappear, and there came a storm, the south-westerly gale, a play for him to stand and watch. All things in a seething mist. Earth and sky mingled together, the sand flew up into fantastic dancing figures of menandhorses , fluttering banners in the air. Loud disturbing banners. Lepter Squaddid, trembling, stood in the shelter of an overhanging rock, thinking many things. His soul was tense. Eyeing in the near distance a hot piece of precious pie that his tastings were coming to the rise. Walking and luking and luking and walking around the damp dirty grimy and what the heck is that oh my god a pile of shit big bleeping dog shit and all I wanted to do was go out for some fresh air and this is no good at all just another sad lump of shit added to the collection of wandering refuse, duck under this rock, her, keep thinking of her, perfection, gaze upon her, Marianna, perfection personified, radiant beauty surrounds, the face, the hair, the legs, the legs!! This fine parcel of tender flesh is rocking the Kasbah and she is all too conspicuous, can't get too far lost in thought without her picture blasting into my mind, full color, with a scent all her own my nostrils are drugged with fiery lust, a hot wind blows in from the desert, dusty crusty desiccated things blow in the swirl, the scent a, a, stench...a...a...familiar...papaya! holy crap feck it's the smell of papaya, I mean, I don't, and now it come to me on hot magical breeze, a swirling cloud of papaya, Trousers pooled round the ankles inhibit running. The rock was falling. He would soon be no more. Aye Crap! I am watching the sea open afore my eyes. Maybe I am seeing the inner brain of earth, how things are at work there, boiling and foaming. And never a cry, never a human voice to be haird anywhere. Nothing. Only the heavy rush of the wind about his thorny haid. A scattered talus. Not solifluction.

FFFFFFEEEEECCCCCKKKKK!!!

When the sea raged up over it the water towered like a crazy screwball yangamuffin. Poseidon rising wet in the air and snorting till hair and beard stood out like a whirlpool circling his haid. Then he plunged down into the breakers wance more lusting after honeys untended, unprotected from the likes of scungilli crawling skitter fecks for whose diet of sand crabs and horseshoe crabs and Bristol worms he has raided the African plate, Australian plate, Antarctic plate, the North and South American plate, the Eurasian plate and Pacific plates. Much as he raided the sweetbush of the unsuspecting Medusa in her time of youth and purity. The girl, spreading herself to the best advantage with her haid upon the stoon pillow was so concentered that his presence was the least of her care and concern. Her petticoats thrown up with her shift discovered to him the finest turnup legs and thighs that could be imagined and in broad display gave a full view of that delicious cleft of flesh into which the pleasing hair grown mount over it parted and presented a most inviting entrance between two close haidges delicately soft and pouting. And after raping her in Athena's temple the angry Goddess cursed the unfortunate girl by turning her gorgeous locks into snakes and caused any who gazed upon this snake haided girl to turn to stoon. Poseidon had tripped into the ineluctable modality of the ineluctable visuality. Turned to stoon at first sighting. Thus a stoon bled shardiwhamper and warm meltcaps did run wild and free, deep encoiled in sweet maidenpurity.

And in the midst of the storm, a little coal-black steamer fights its way in Milkoozing gumboots. Slimeheavy trails. Where a spright slip n slide runway.

Many people had gathered on the quayside to see the black thing churningtowards, frozen in sight. All without exception had violet tinted eyes, however different they might be. A young girl with a white kerchief over her haid stood a little apart. With her forestdark hair the white kerchief stood out against it in high contrast. She luked at Bradan McManus curiously, at his leather suit, his trouser bulge. When he spoke to her, asked her name, she was embarrassed, and turned her haid away. And this the only scarf I could find so I'm feeling the fool. He may be a prancer ye' know. It's a tipped scale. Her legs went rubbery. And spent speech ceased. Honeywaters flow purling, widely flowing, flower unfurling. The girl is attractive. No doubt pure. Tasty. McManus was carnally intrigued. There exists a field, beyond all notions of right and wrong. I will meet ye' there.

Ye' luk warm, said McManus.

It's springtime; I'm walking in the spring.

He had walked past her with an air—slowly, carelessly, unperturbed; he had even found strength to measure Analine Plott with a downward glance. But no sooner had she passed out of sight than he slipped aside into the greatdarkforest. And on his mind Analine, Auld Chester Plotts's daughter. Analine, tall and brown, and showing her snowwhite teeth a little when she smiled. Analine whom Eros had led across his path. Analine who had restored his faith. She who had taken the clustered pieces of his broken life and shuffled them into some order. And tomorrow, perhaps, she would be going away. All hope gone. I am but slavering gabboon.

Two nights scrambling had not got me a poke that made me bauld enough to make advances to this modest quiet girl I stole me a sweet tongue a kiss then another then a hug then a feel and finally with scarcely any hindrance had her we walked and talked soon enough I had her again up against me own garden wall and we and we and we...parted petals plunging pilasters oozing sliding moaning squealing jetting blasting promising to meet the next night the next night came she was gone about a towning.

He gave himself wantonly without clothing and ate with relish the inner organs of beasts and fowls, thick giblet soup, nutty gizzards, a stuffed roast heart, liverslices fried with crustcrumbs, fried hencods' roes, and younguns testicles. Most of all he liked grilled mutton kidneys which gave to his palate a fine tang of faintly scented urine.

Alive and well alive and well, so was the station of passage and gloom some say doom but then those some are no account and not worth the withers and trithers of a common shite pirgeon. Coming back to this particular train station, there was van Pew waiting as he always minded to be of sorts. Wance afore van Pew had reminded Melanie, that past was past, and what was done was over; she had much better go away and live somewhere else with Nutt Lopez. And Schmelitt van Pew had answered that he should not have to ask her twice—goodbye! But now here she smirked again, waiting for him.

"Here's that smoking pouch I promised you," she said. "Here it is, if ye're not too proud."

He did not take it, but answered, "A smoking pouch? I never use that sort of thing."

"Oh, is that so?" said she, and drew back her hand.

Yes, he could go to a shindig and wipe out the whole shebang with his shillelagh.

And he forced himself to soften her again. "It can't be me ye' promised it. Think again; perhaps it was the priest. And he's a married man."

She did not understand that the slight jest had cost him some effort, and she could not refrain from answering in turn, "I saw the ladies up along the road; I suppose that's where you've been, trooling after them?"

"And what's that to do with you?"

"Ove Fungin is it?"

"Oona dos Tres. Why don't ye' go pester a lucky one somewhere out and away? I'm living my life, ye're living yer own so if ye're tightknickers to my way of living, well, go somewhere far and away. Ye' can see for yerself it's no good going on like this."

"It would be right as rain if only ye' wouldn't go swinging yer shillelawanger around all the wimminfolk like ye're such a jewel."

"The jewel that first drew yer wet sweetness to him," he snarled, backturned and walked away.

Bradan McManus called after him, "Oh yes ye' are a nice one, indeed! There's this and that I've haird about you!"

Now was there any sense at all in being so desperately particular? There was no sense in going on like this forever. A most bumptious ass van Pew whose family wealth gave him a sense of entitlement lacking restraint or modesty; a forward child badly in need of discipline.

"Here's to ye' van Pew. My weapon is out. Quarrel! I will back thee."

Melanie, not dulled to the mating dance, luked his way, hoping faintly that she might witness the unleashing of a spectacular prize specimen. Alas, no flesh was in the offing. If ye' do bare the sword, my dear, I will shine it for ye' sweetly, she thought.

Few media heroes had on-screen wives. Any time one seriously courted a woomon, she died from a malady, was abruptly slain, or left with someone else.

The Music of Violins began to play, during which came in upon the Stage six wild men clothed in leaves. Of whom the first bore in his neck a fagot of small sticks, which they all both severally and together assayed with all their strengths to break, but it could not be broken by them. At the length one of them plucked out one of the sticks and broke it. And the rest plucking out all the other sticks one after another did easily break, the same being severed: which being conjoined they had afore attempted in vain. After they had this done, they departed the Stage, and the Music ceased. Hereby was signified, that a state knit in unity doth continue strong against all force. But being divided is easily destroyed. As befell upon Duke Blunderball dividing his Land to his two sons which he afore held in Monarchy. And upon the dissention of the Brethren to whom it was divided. First, the Music of Cornets began to play, during which came in upon the Stage a king accompanied with a number of his Nobility and Gentlemen. And after he had ployced himself in a Chair of estate prepared for him: there came and kneeled afore him a grave and aged Gentleman and offered up a Cup unto him of Wine in a glass, which the king refused. After him comes a brave and lusty young Gentleman and presents the king with a Cup of Gauld filled with potion, which the king accepted, and drinking the same, immediately fell down dead upon the stage, and so was carried thence away by his Lords and Gentlemen, and then the Music ceased. Hereby was signified, that as Glass by nature hauldeth no poison, but is clear and may easily be seen through, ne boweth by any Art: So a faithful Counselor hauldeth no treason, but is plain and open, ne yieldeth to any indiscreet affection, but giveth wholesome Counsel, which the ill-advised Prince refuseth. The delightful gauld filled with poison betokeneth Flattery, which under fair seeming of pleasant words beareth deadly poison, which destroyeth the prince that receiveth it. As befell in the two brethren Cantle and Porridge who, refusing the wholesome advise of Blunderball Court fellows, credited these young Parasites and brought to themselves death and destruction thereby. Thusly General Gasmore marched into the sea, squatting precariously on the humped back of his tulip fringed pachyderm escort, the bitter excrement of defeat raging from his inflamed bowels, the state constitutional conventions forged and gathered the searing masses in violent renunciation of all things opposed.

Charge!! was the all too familiar phrase, spouted between mouthfuls of mushmelon and gator-beans, rivers of seltzer lemonade pouring from the negatively creased mouths of the secessionists, until at last, kumquats and kiwi burgers devoured, the weary and sexually deprived troops, dragged their pathetically sorry behinds back over the putrid hills of rotting flesh, home wance more to their families, lovers, three-dollar hookers, and unbounded formalities of ill repute.

But what was a bad, downward spiraling day for some was a pinnacle of drunken blind happiness for others, as General Eggfarts, his mile-high-carbide-steel-retrofitted erection rising high above the battered soil, the tattered flag of the Golfers' Union Jackass swinging wildly from its puffed, red tip, greeted the victory sluice with advancing self congratulatory zeal, spotted out the stains in his rancid undergarments, shook the bush weasels from his nostrils, rejoiced in all that was wance God's now become mans' and in that blush of sweet devotion, kissed himself on the pustulent big toe of his lame right foot. This here's to you, Lucy, he said, stroking his massive penis as birds of prey dropped out of the sky from fright. And in short measure, I'll be along on my way to yer gentle home fires, kept burning low these long and desperate years. The strains of Long May it Wave blistered in his ears, drowning all efforts of logic to intervene, sparing him perhaps the unconditional pain of understanding that his devoted house mistress, Lucy, had long ago tended to her own home fires, finding within the remaining and demoralized legion of barfly pasty boys, able and willing riders who for no more than a discrete flutter of her mascara-framed lashes would flock to any port she lay afore them, returning again and again with and without her urging, prodding her emotion with urgings of their own, until the porcelainized virginity of the wance inviolable Miss Lucy, was no more than a distant, mortified, memory, a blip on the experiential screen, having disappeared in a heated rush of trans-coital exuberation so intense, that if she focused her concentration on the depravity of those lingering images, could still cause her to gush with the fuel of her desire, ruining more than one pair of silken panties in the process, leading to her being labeled with the cruel epithet: Lady Niagara.

The flabby General did get to jigoobering in thought knowing loud and fierce in the debits of our souls a little green Martian eats paint and awaits lead poisoning. I may or may not be the little green Martian. Wimmin perform oral sex on them. I have or have not eaten blue paint. Someday I will perform a great feat and free all the lead-poisoned minds. I will free Martians from the shackles of habit. I have not swum across great theories that loosely touch me, so I am freer to free the Martians and the sodomized puppies. I, with no intellectual idea, am free to think on my own and correct what needs to be corrected, free the puppies of sodomy in their closets of desperation barking blue into the night. Barked shins reveal signs.

I have never eaten lead and promise to never eat lead and I promise to never sodomize puppies or to hate myself. I am pathological liar. I promise to sing Norwegian Shouting Choruses on the banks of Costa Rica while I eat the working class grub of sand dunes and escape the shelter of American education. Propaganda is on the radio while the country is libidinal. We're living the dream. It is not in the question to love or long for the lovely masses of uneducated propagandists that shoot themselves in the proverbial haid, believing that they must eat Martian lead, knowing that they are free to eat the Martian lead. Regular sex works wonders for their problems. They are the true sodomized puppies though they have eaten dinner on the left bank. I say down with all banks. What was asked for went another way. Stuff yer money in yer ears. Let the wax multiply in haid vaults. Let the rich eat earwax; with it wax their lady friends' asses. I promise to never wax my lady friend's ass with earwax. I promise to sodomize her upon request while shoving the money of rich bastards in my ears.

Do not give up on me, us, you, them, lucky number number bastards. The sky is always the hardest blue in the beginning of wasabi chance biscuit charmer black-market Viagra sunsets, venturing into hellish regions and returning with flawless beauty. yaaba, yaaba, yaaba, yaaba, yaaba. It's all true, all lucky lucky lucky lucky. Lucky numbers are blue green yellow red. Drawing on the past on blue blue instance the sky is always the hardest left with all these /those numerical objects. Puttaya calls the unwary to be unmanned. Needs Are Infinite, Pleasures Finite. In strange ways hard to know the auld gods return to men. Do not there at the time no, yes, important, yes I lost the briefcase suitcase backpack valise, yes; left in the elevator taxi Alps Pyrenees garage hotel room locker bar on the bench train bus ferry trolley counter street, yes. The mind is a terrible thing; it must be stopped afore it kill somebody.

Sil was on the beach, getting naked with Baywatch contenders, and speaking with professionals from the publishing industry. While the collegiate hopefuls performed and strutted, thrusting their undulating privates into the waiting hands of the drooling native troglodytes, his thoughts swung to more cerebral endeavors. Perusing a sampling of current magazine covers from Sauldier of Fortune to Better Homes and Gardens, will serve ye' more flesh per square inch than a Penthouse centerspread. We want naked celebrities on every issue, says publisher E.M. Bonero. And nipples...lots of nipplage. People love nipples. In fact, full frontal nudity on magazine covers is on the near horizon. Meanwhile, across the harbor, the U.S.S. WONDERBRA sailed into sight, its titillating mounds of appeal, and jiggling females swaying like tacos soaking wet with cream, the afternoon sunlight exposing all that needed exposing.

If it could only be like this always—always summer, always alone, the fruit always ripe and Aloisio in a good temper. He is already almost down! But what he goes fast! Still, not too fast...? The wheels touch the ground and crack crack !! The landing is not gone apparently. Too quickly.

But behind the veneer of opulent glamour, the modeling industry houses dark secrets that most would be appalled to discover. All models undergo a trial or probationary period in which they are termed Virgins. The Virgins' minor offenses are punished by beating, which is administered by the Pontifex, the offender naked, and in a dark ployce, with a curtain set up between them. Under this interrogation, some confess that they have been kissing a Siamese cat below the tail, greasing themselves with the fat from roasted baby food, and wearing panties that contain the ashes of dead Templar Knights. Others claim to be linked at the hips to Baphomet, the horned god of antiquity. While still others claim to be Salome, a gyrating demon with enormous lactating breasts that Nicodemus would kiss to invigorate his visionary powers. In the real world of Darwinian modeling, it's tooth fang and claw. Bring on the booty. At one time, when the finances were rather low and the _mopusses ran taper_ it was remarked among the 60 brigands of the party that Major Asschole had not for some time given them an invitation. This however he promised to do, and fixed the day the Prince having engaged to make one. Upon this occasion he took lodgings in Tottenham court Road went to a wine merchant and promised to introduce him to the royal presence upon his engaging to find wine for the party which was readily acceded to and a dinner of three courses was served up. Three such courses perhaps were never afore seen. When the company was seated two large dishes appeared. One was ployced at the top of the table and one at the bottom. All was anxious expectation. The covers being removed exhibited to view, a baked shoulder of mutton at top, and baked potatoes at the bottom. They all luked around with astonishment, but, knowing the general eccentricity of their host, they readily fell into his humor, and partook of his fare; not doubting but the second course would make ample amends for the first. The wine was good, and Major Asschole apologized for his accommodations, being, as he said, a family sort of man, and the dinner, though somewhat uncommon, was not such a one as is described by Trilton:

At the top, a fried liver and bacon were seen;

At the bottom was tripe, in a swinging tureen;

At the sides there were spinach and pudding made hot;

In the middle a ployce where the pasty was not.

At length the second course appeared; when lo and behauld, another baked shoulder of mutton and baked potatoes! Surprise followed surprise.

Another and another still succeeds.

The third course consisted of the same fare, clearly proving that he had in his catering studied quantity more than variety; however, they enjoyed the joke, ate as much as they pleased, laughed heartily at the dinner, and after bumpering till a late hour, took their departure. It is said, however, that he introduced the wine-merchant to his Highness, who afterwards profited by his orders. This remarkable dinner reminds of a laughable caricature which made its appearance some time ago upon the marriage of a Jew attorney in Jewry-street Aldgate to the daughter of a well-known fishmonger of St. Peter's-alley Cornhill when a certain Baronet Alderman Colonel and then Lord Mayor opened the ball at the Plundoon Tavern as the partner of the bride, a circumstance which excited considerable curiosity and surprise at the time. The worthy Baronet had been a hunter for a seat in Parliament but what he could be hunting among the children of Israel is perhaps not so easily ascertained. This telling however is not speaking of the character but the caricature which represented the bride not resting on Abraham's bosom but seated on his knee surrounded by their guests at the marriage feast.

The Salmon of Knowledge was upon us.

Brother Robert and I had made owr final arrangementf for the expedition. Thefe were confiderable. Robert if a fifherman who takef himfelf feriowflþ (which perhapf if fortwnate, af he rarelþ feemf to take anþthing elfe), and hif paraphernalia doef credit to hif enthwfiafm, if not to hif ȝwdgment. For mþ part, being an amatewr artift, I had ftrapped together a collection of painting materialf that wowld enable me to record mþ infpiration in oil, watercolowr, or paftel, af the fpirit might moue me. We had ordered a car from Coolahan'f pwblic-howfe in the uillage; an earlþ lwnch waf imminent.

The latter depended wpon Jwlia; in fact it wowld be difficwlt to mention anþthing at Wauecreft Cottage that did not depend on Jwlia. We, who were bwt ftrangerf and foȝowrnerf (the cottage with the beawtifwl name hauing been lent to wf, with Jwlia, bþ an Awnt), felt that owr uerþ exiftence hwng wpon her clemencþ. How mwch more then lwncheon, at the reuolwtionarþ howr of a qwarter to one? Euen cowrageowf people are afraid of other people'f feruantf, and Robert and I were far from being cowrageowf. Poßiblþ thif if whþ Jwlia treated wf with compaßion, euen with kindneß, efpeciallþ Robert.

"Ah, poor Mafther Robert!" I haue haird her faþ to a friend in the kitchen, who waf fortwnatelþ hard of hearing, "þe wowldn't feel him in the howfe no more than a feather! An' indeed, af for the two o' thim, fich galloperf neuer þe feen! It'f hardlþ theþ'd come in the howfe to throw the wet bootf off thim! Thim'd gallop the woodf all night like the deer!"

At half-paft twelue, all, af I haue faid, being in train, I went to the window to obferue the weather, and faw a couered car with a black horfe plodding along the road that feparated Wauecreft Cottage from the feafhore. At owr modeft entrance gatef it drew wp, and the coachman climbed from hif perch with a dignitþ befitting hif flowing greþ beard and the filuer band on hif hat.

A couered car if a uehicle pecwliar to the fowth of Ireland; it refemblef a two-wheeled waggonette with a windowleß black box on top of it. Itf mowth if at the back, and it haf the finifter qwalitþ of totallþ concealing itf occwpantf wntil the irreuocable moment when it if twrned and backed againft þowr front door ftepf. For thif moment mþ brother Robert and I did not wait. A fhort paßage and a flight of ftepf feparated wf from the kitchen; beþond the ftepf, and facing the kitchen door, a door opened into the garden. Robert flipped wp heauilþ in the paßage af we fled, bwt gained the garden door wndamaged. The hall door bell pealed at mþ ear; I cawght a glimpfe of Jwlia, pownding chopf with the rolling pin.

"Faþ we're owt," I hißed to her "gone owt for the daþ! We are going into the garden!"

"Fwre þe needn't giue þerfelf that mwch trowble," replied Jwlia affablþ, af fhe fnatched a grimþ cap off a nail.

Neuertheleß, in fpite of the elafticitþ of Jwlia'f confcience, the garden feemed fafer. In the garden, a plot of denfe and uariowf uegetation, decorated with Jwlia'f lingerie, we awaited the fownd of the departing wheelf. Bwt nothing departed. The breathleß minwtef paßed, and then, throwgh the open drawing-room window, we were aware of ftrange uoicef. The drawing-room window ouerluked the garden thorowghlþ and commandinglþ. There waf not a moment to lofe. We plwnged into the rafpberrþ canef, and crowched beneath their embowered archef, and the fwlneß of the fitwation began to fink into owr fowlf.

Throwgh the window we cawght a glimpfe of a white beard and a portlþ black fwit, of a black bonnet and a dolman that glittered with ȝet, of þet another black bonnet.

With Awnt Dora'f howfe we had taken on, af it were, her practice, and the goodwill of her acqwaintance. The Dean of Glengad and Mrf. Dohertþ were the uerþ apex and flower of the latter, and in the partþ now inftalled in Awnt Dora'f drawing-room I wnhefitatinglþ recognifed them, and Mrf. Dohertþ'f fifter, Miß McEuoþ. Miß McEuoþ waf an elderlþ ladþ of the claß wfwallþ defcribed af being "not all there". The expreßion, I imagine, implief a regret that there fhowld not be more. Af, howeuer, what there waf of Miß McEuoþ waf chieflþ remarkable for a monftrowf appetite and a marked penchant for þowng men, it feemf to me mainlþ to be regretted that there fhowld be af mwch of her af there if.

A driue of nine milef in the heat of a Jwne morning if not wndertaken withowt a fwftaining expectation of lwncheon at the end of it. There were in the howfe three mwtton chopf to meet that expectation. I commwnicated all thefe factf to mþ brother. The confternation of hif face, framed in rafpberrþ bowghf, waf a pictwre not to be lightlþ forgotten. At fwch a moment, with euerþthing depending on fheer nerue and refowrcefwlneß, to confign Jwlia to perdition waf mere felf-indwlgence on hif part, bwt I fwppofe it waf ineuitable. Here the door into the garden opened and Jwlia came forth, with a fpotleß apron and a face of elaborate wnconcern. Fhe picked a handfwl of parfleþ, her black eþef qwefting for wf among the bwfhef; theþ met mine, and a glance more aliue with confpiracþ it haf not been mþ lot to receiue. Fhe moued defwltorilþ towardf wf, gathering green goofeberrief in her apron.

"I tauld them the two o' þe were owt," fhe mwrmwred to the goofeberrþ bwfhef. "Theþ axed when wowld þe be back. I faid þe went to town on the earlþ thrain and wowldn't be back till night."

Decidedlþ Jwlia'f confcience cowld ftand alone.

"With that then," fhe continwed, "Miß McEuoþ landf into the hall, an' 'O Letitia,' faþf fhe, 'thofe mwft be the gentleman'f fifhing rodf!' and then 'Jwlia!' faþf fhe, 'cowld þe giue wf a bit o' lwnch?' That one'f the imp!"

"Luk here!" faid Robert hoarfelþ, and with the fwiftneß of panic, "I'm off! I'll get owt ouer the back wall."

At thif moment Miß McEuoþ pwt her haid owt of the drawing-room window and fcanned the garden fearchinglþ. Withowt another word we glided throwgh the rafpberrþ archef like departing fairief in a pantomine. The kindlþ lilac and lawreftina bwfhef grew tall and thick at the end of the garden; the wall waf high, bwt, af if wfwal with frwit-garden wallf, it had a well-worn feafible corner that gaue on to the lane leading to the uillage. We flwng owrfeluef ouer it, and landed breathleß and difheuelled, bwt fafe, in the heart of the bed of nettlef that plwmed the common uillage afh-heap. Now that we were able, temporarilþ at all euentf, to call owr fowlf owr own, we (or rather I) took fwrther ftock of the fitwation. Itf horrorf continwed to fink in. Driuen from home withowt fo mwch af a hat to laþ owr haidf in, feparated from thofe we loued moft (the mwtton chopf, the painting materialf, the fifhing tackle), a promifing expedition of wnwfwal charm cwt off, fo to fpeak, in the flower of itf þowth thefe were the more immediatelþ obuiowf of the calamitief which we now confronted. I preached wpon them, with Caßandra eloqwence, while we ftood, indeterminate, among the nettlef.

"And what, I afk þow," I faid perorating, "what on the face of the earth are we to do now?"

"Oh, it'll be all right, mþ dear girl," faid Robert eafilþ. Gratitwde for hif efcape from the addreßef of Miß McEuoþ had apparentlþ blinded him to the difficwltief of the fwtwre.

"There'f Coolahan'f pwb. We'll get fomething to eat there þow'll fee it'll be all right."

"Bwt," I faid, picking mþ waþ after him among the rwftþ tinf and the broken crockerþ, "the Coolahanf will think we're mad! We'ue no hatf, and we can't tell them abowt the Dohertþf."

"I don't care what theþ think," faid Robert.

What Mrf. Coolahan maþ haue thowght, af we diued from the fwnlight into her dark and porter-fodden fhop, did not appear; what fhe luked waf confternation. "Lwncheon!" fhe repeated with ftwpefaction, "lwncheon! The dear help wf, I haue no lwncheon for the like o' þe!"

"Oh, anþthing will do," faid Robert cheerfwllþ. Hif experiencef at the London bar had not inftrwcted him in the commißariat of hif cowntrþ.

"A bit of cauld beef, or ȝwft fome bread and cheefe."

Mrf. Coolahan'f bleared eþef rolled wildlþ to mine, af feeking fþmpathþ and fanitþ.

"With the will o' Pether!" fhe exclaimed, "how wowld I haue cauld beef? And af for cheefe !" Fhe pawfed, and then, cwriofitþ ouer-powering all other emotionf. "What ailf Jwlia Cronellþ at all that þowr honowr'f ladþfhip if comin' to the like o' thif dirtþ place for þowr dinner?"

"Oh, Jwlia'f rwn awaþ with a fauldier!" ftrwck in Robert brilliantlþ.

"Fmall blame to her if fhe did itfelf!" faid Mrf. Coolahan, gallantlþ accepting the ȝeft withowt a change of her enormowf cowntenance, fhe'f a long time waiting for the chance! Maþbe owrfeluef'd go if we were axed! I haue a nice bit of falt pork in the howfe," fhe continwed, "wowld I giue þowr honowrf a rafher of it?"

Mrf. Coolahan had probablþ aßwmed that either Jwlia waf incapablþ drwnk, or had been difmißed withowt benefit of clergþ; at all euentf fhe had recognifed that diplomaticallþ it waf correct to change the conuerfation.

We aduentwred owrfeluef into the wnknown receßef of the howfe, and fat gingerlþ on greafþ horfehair-feated chairf, in the parlowr, while the bwbbling crþ of the rafher and eggf arofe to heauen from the frþing-pan, and the reek filled the howfe af with a greþ fog. Potent af it waf, it bwt faintlþ forefhadowed the flauowr of the maßiue flicef that prefentlþ fwam in brinþ oil on owr platef. Bwt we had breakfafted at eight; we tackled them with determination, and withowt too nice infpection of the three-pronged forkf. We drank porter, we achieued a certain fenfe of fatietþ, that on uerþ flight prouocation wowld haue broadened into nawfea or worfe. All the while the qweftion remained in the balance af to what we were to do for owr hatf, and for the mþriad baggage inuolued in the expedition.

We finallþ decided to write a minwte inuentorþ of what waf indifpenfable, and to fend it to Jwlia bþ the faithfwl hand of Mrf. Coolahan'f car-driuer, one Croppþ, with whom preuiowf expeditionf had placed wf wpon intimate termf. It wowld be neceßarþ to confide the pofition to Croppþ, bwt thif we felt, cowld be done withowt a moment'f wneafineß.

Bþ the malignitþ that gouerned all thingf on that trowblowf daþ, neither of wf had a pencil, and Mrf. Coolahan had to be appealed to. That fhe had bþ thif time properlþ grafped the pofition waf apparent in the hoarfe whifper in which fhe faid, carefwllþ clofing the door after her:

"The Dane'f coachman if infide!"

Fimwltaneowflþ Robert and I remoued owrfeluef from the pwruiew of the door.

"Don't be afraid," faid owr hofteß reaßwringlþ, "he'll neuer fee þe fwre I haue him fafe back in the fnwg! If it a writing pin þe want, Miß?" fhe continwed, mouing to the door. "Kattþ Ann! Bring me in the pin owt o' the office!"

The Poft Office waf, it maþ be mentioned, a department of the Coolahan pwblic-howfe, and waf managed bþ a committee of the þownger memberf of the Coolahan familþ. Thefe thingf are all, I belieue, illegal, bwt theþ happen in Ireland. The committee waf at prefent, apparentlþ, in fwll feßion, ȝwdging bþ the flood of conuerfation that flowed in to wf throwgh the open door. The reqweft for the pen cawfed an inftant hwfh, followed at an interual bþ the flamming of drawerf and other fowndf of fearch.

"Ah, what'f on þe delaþing thif waþ?" faid Mrf. Coolahan irritablþ, aduancing into the fhop. "Fwre I feen the pin with Helaþna thif morning."

At the moment all that we cowld fee of the ȝwnior poftmiftreß waf her long bare fhinf, framed bþ the low-browed doorwaþ, af fhe ftood on the cownter to fwrther her refearchef on a top fhelf.

"The Lord luk down in pitþ on me thif daþ!" faid Mrf. Coolahan, in exalted and bitter indignation, "or on anþ poor creatwre that'f ftriuing to earn her liuing and haf the likef o' þe to be thrwfting to!"

We here attached owrfeluef to the owtfkirtf of the fearch, which had bþ thif time drawn into itf uortex a cowple of cowntrþwimmin with fhawlf ouer their haidf, who had hitherto fat in decorowf bwt obferuant ftillneß in the backgrownd. Kattþ Ann waf rapidlþ examining tall bottlef of fwgar-ftick, accwftomed receptaclef apparentlþ for the pen.

Helaþna'f rauen fringe fhowed tracef of a diue into the flowr-bin. Mrf. Coolahan remained motionleß in the midft, her eþef fixed on the ceiling, an expofition of fwffering and of eternal remoteneß from the wngodlþ.

We were now aware for the firft time of the prefence of Mr. Coolahan, a tacitwrn perfon, with a blwe-black chin and a gloomþ demeanowr.

"Where had þe it laft?" he demanded.

"I feen Kattþ Ann with it in the cow-howfe, fir," uolwnteered a fmall female Coolahan from beneath the flap of the cownter.

Kattþ Ann, with a uindictiue eþe at the tell-tale, uanifhed.

"That the Lord Almightþ might take me to Himfelf!" chanted Mrf. Coolahan. "Fwch a mee-aw! Fwch a thing to happen to me the pwre, decent woomon! G'wowt!" Thif, the imperatiue of the uerb to retire, waf hwrtled at the tell-tale, who, prefwming on her feruicef, had incawtiowflþ left the couert of the cownter, and had laid a ftickþ hand on her mother'f fkirtf.

"Onlþ that fome waf praþing for me," pwrfwed Mrf. Coolahan, "it might af well be the Infpector that came in the office, afking for the pin, an' if that waf the waþ we might all go wnder the fod! Fich a mee-aw!"

"Mwfha! Mwfha!" breathed, praþerfwllþ, one of the fhawled wimmin.

At thif ȝwnctwre I mownted on an wp-ended barrel to inueftigate a promifing lair aboue mþ haid, and from thif altitwde waf wnexpectedlþ prefented with a bird'f-eþe uiew of a hat with a filuer band infide the railed and cwrtained "fnwg". I defcended fwiftlþ, not withowt an impreßion of black bottlef on the fnwg table, and Kattþ Ann here flid in from the fearch in the cow-howfe.

"MWFHA! MWFHA!"

"'Twafn't in it," fhe whined, "nor I didn't pwt it in it."

"For a pinnþ I'd giue þe a flap in the ȝaw!" faid Mr. Coolahan with fwdden and ftartling ferocitþ.

"That the Lord Almightþ might take me to Himfelf!" reiterated Mrf. Coolahan, while the fearch fpread wpwardf throwgh the howfe.

"Luk here!" faid Robert abrwptlþ, "thif bwfineß if going on for a week. I'm going for the thingf mþfelf."

Neither I nor mþ remonftrancef ouertook him till he waf well owt into the ftreet. There, owtfide the Coolahan door, waf the Dean'f infide car, refting on itf fhaftf; while the black horfe, like hif driuer, reftored himfelf elfewhere beneath the Coolahan roof. Robert paid no heed to itf filent warning.

"I mwft go mþfelf. If I had fortþ pencilf I cowldn't explain to Jwlia the flief that I want!"

There comef, with the moft biddable of men, a moment when argwment failf, the moment of dead pwll, when the creatwre perceiuef hif own ftrength, and the aftwte will giue in, earlþ and imperceptiblþ, in order that he maþ not learn it beþond forgetting.

The onlþ thing left to be done now waf to accompanþ Robert, to auert what might be irretrieuable difafter. It waf now half-paft one, and the three mwtton chopf and the ftewed goofeberrief mwft haue long fince þielded their wttermoft to owr gweftf. The latter wowld therefore haue retwrned to the drawing-room, where it waf poßible that one or more of them might go to fleep. Remembering that the chopf were loin-chopf, we might at all euentf hope for fome flight amownt of lethargþ. Again we waded throwgh the nettlef, we fcaled the garden-wall, and worked owr waþ between it and the lawreftinaf towardf the door oppofite the kitchen.

'There remained between wf and the howfe an open fpace of abowt fifteen þardf, fwllþ commanded bþ the drawing-room window, ueiling which, howeuer, the lace cwrtainf met in reaßwring ftillneß. We rwfhed the interual, and entered the howfe foftlþ. Here we were inftantlþ met bþ Jwlia, with her mowth fwll, and a cwp of tea in her hand. Fhe drew wf into the kitchen.

"Where are theþ, Jwlia?" I whifpered. "Haue theþ had lwnch?"

"If it lwnch?" replied Jwlia, throwgh bread and bwtter; "there ifn't a bit in the howfe bwt theþ haue it ate! And the eggf I had for the faft-daþ for mþfelf, didn't That One" I knew thif to indicate Miß McEuoþ "ax an omelette from me when fhe feen fhe had no more to get!"

"Are theþ owt of the dining-room?" broke in Robert.

"Faith, theþ are.'Twaf no good for them to ftaþ in it! That One'f lþing wp on the fofa in the dhrawing-room like anþ owld dog, and the Dane and Mrf. Dohertþ'f dhrinking hot water theþ haue bad fhtomachf, the craþtwref."

Robert opened the kitchen door and crept towardf the dining-room, wherein, not long afore the alarm, had been gathered all the eßentialf of the expedition. I followed him. I haue neuer committed a bwrglarþ, bwt fince the moment when I creaked paft the drawing-room door, foretafting the inftant when it wowld open, mþ fþmpathief are dedicated to bwrglarf.

In two palpitating ȝowrneþf we remoued from the dining-room owr belongingf, and placed them in the kitchen; filence, frawght with dire poßibilitief, ftill brooded ouer the drawing-room. Cowld theþ all be afleep, or waf Miß McEuoþ watching wf throwgh the keþhole? There remained onlþ mþ hat, which waf wpftairf, and at thif, the laft moment, Robert remembered hif flþ-book, left wnder the clock in the dining-room. I again paßed the drawing-room in fafetþ, and got wpftairf, Robert effecting at the fame moment hif third entrþ into the dining-room. I waf in the act of thrwfting in the fecond hat pin when I haird the drawing-room door open. I admit that, obeþing the primarþ inftinct of felf-preferuation, mþ firft impwlfe waf to lock mþfelf in; it paßed, aided bþ the recollection that there waf no keþ. I made for the landing, and from thence uiewed, in a fpecief of trance, Miß McEuoþ croßing the hall and entering the dining-room. A long and deathlþ pawfe followed. Fhe waf a fmall woomon; had Robert ftrangled her? After two or three horrible minwtef a fownd reached me, the well-known rattle of the fide-board drawer. All then waf well Miß McEuoþ waf probablþ luking for the bifcwitf, and Robert mwft haue efcaped in time throwgh the window. I took mþ cowrage in both handf and glided downftairf. Af I placed mþ foot on the oilcloth of the hall, I waf confronted bþ the nightmare fpectacle of mþ brother creeping towardf me on all-fowrf throwgh the open door of the dining-room, and then, crowning thif alreadþ ouer-loaded moment, there arofe a ferief of þellf from Miß McEuoþ af blood-cwrdling af theþ were excwfable, þet, af euen in mþ maniac flight to the kitchen I recognifed, fomething mwffled bþ Marie bifcwit. It feemf to me that the next incident waf the compofite and fhattering collifion of Robert, Jwlia and mþfelf in the fcwllerþ doorwaþ, followed bþ the fwift clofing of the fcwllerþ-door wpon wf bþ Jwlia; then the uoice of the Dean of Glengad, demanding from the howfe at large an explanation, in a uoice of cathedral feueritþ. Miß McEuoþ'f replþ waf to wf abowt af coherent af the fhriekf of a parrot, bwt we plainlþ haird Jwlia mwrmwr in the kitchen:

"Maþ the deuil choke þe!"

Then again the Dean, thif time near the kitchen door. "Jwlia! Where if the man who waf fecreted wnder the dinner-table?"

I gripped Robert'f arm. The ißwef of life and death were now in Jwlia'f handf.

"If it who waf in the dining-room, þowr Reuerence?" afked Jwlia, in tonef of refpectfwl honeþ; "fwre that waf the carpenter'f boþ, that came to qwinch a rat-hole. Fwre we're deftroþed with ratf."

"Bwt," pwrfwed the Dean, raifing hif uoice to ouercome Miß McEuoþ'f continwowf fcreamf of explanation to Mrf. Dohertþ, "I wnderftand that he left the room on hif handf and kneef. He mwft haue been drwnk!"

"Ah, not at all, þowr Reuerence," replied Jwlia, with almoft compaßionate fwperioritþ, "fwre that poor boþ if the gentleft craþtwre euer came into a howfe. I fwppofe 'tif what it waf he waf afhamed like when Miß McEuoþ comminced to fcreech, and faith he neuer ftopped nor ftaþed till he ran owt of the howfe like a wild goofe!"

We haird the Dean reafcend the kitchen ftepf, and make a ftatement of which the wordf "drink" and "Dora" alone reached wf. The drawing-room door clofed, and in the releafe from tenfion I fank heauilþ down wpon a heap of potatoef. The wolf of lawghter that had been gnawing at mþ uitalf broke loofe.

"Whþ did þow go owt of the room on þowr handf and kneef?" I moaned, rolling in angwifh on the potatoef.

"I got wnder the table when I haird the brwte coming," faid Robert,

with the croßneß of reaction from terror, "then fhe fettled down to eat bifcwitf, and I thowght I cowld crawl owt withowt her feeing me"

"Þe can come owt!" faid Jwlia'f mowth, appearing at a crack of the fcwllerþ door, "I haue af manþ lief tauld for þe God forgiue me! af'd bog a noddþ!"

Thif mþfteriowf contingencþ might haue impreßed wf more had the artift been able to conceal her legitimate pride in her handiwork. We emerged from the chill and uaried fmellf of the fcwllerþ, retaining ȝwft fwfficient focial felf-control to keep wf from flinging owrfeluef with gratefwl tearf wpon Jwlia'f neck. Fhaken af we were, the expedition ftill laþ open afore wf; the game waf in owr handf. We were winning bþ trickf, and Jwlia held all the honowrf.

Perhapf it waf the clinging memorþ of the fried pork, perhapf it waf becawfe all mþ fauowrite brwfhef were ftanding in a mwg of foft foap on mþ wafhing ftand, or becawfe Robert had in hif flight forgotten to replenifh hif cigarette cafe, bwt there waf no dowbt bwt that the expedition langwifhed. There waf no fawlt to be fownd with the fetting. The pool in which the riuer coiled itfelf wnder the pine-treef waf black and brimming, the fifh were rifing at the flief that wrowght aboue it, like a fpotted net ueil in hþftericf, the diftant hillf laþ in fleepþ wndwlationf of euerþ fhade of blwe, the graß waf warm, and not wndwlþ peopled with antf. Bwt fome impalpable blight waf wpon wf. I ranged like a loft fowl along the bankf of the riuer a loft fowl that if condemned to bear a bwrden of fome two ftoon of fketching materialf, and a fketching wmbrella with a defectiue ȝoint in fearch of a point of uiew that foreuer elwded me.

Robert caft hif choiceft flief, with delicate qwiueringf, with coqwettifh withdrawalf; had theþ been cannon-ballf theþ cowld hardlþ haue had a more intimidating effect wpon the trowt. Where Robert fifhed a Fabbath ftillneß reigned, beþond that charmed area theþ rofe like notef of exclamation in a French nouel. I waf on the whole inclined to trace thefe thingf back to the inflwence of the pork, working on fþftemf weakened bþ fhock; bwt Robert waf not in the mood to trace them to anþthing. Wnfwcceßfwl fifhermen are not fond of introfpectiue fwggeftionf. The member of the expedition who enȝoþed himfelf beþond anþ qweftion waf Mrf. Coolahan'f car-horfe. Hauing been taken owt of the fhaftf on the road aboue the riuer, he had with hif harneß on hif back, like Horatiwf, wnhefitatinglþ lwmbered ouer a refpectable bank and ditch in the wake of Croppþ, who had preceded him with the reinf. He waf now grazing lwxwriowflþ along the riuer'f edge, while hif driuer fmoked, no leß lwxwriowflþ, in the backgrownd.

"Will I carrþ the box for þe, Miß?" Croppþ inqwired compaßionatelþ, ftwffing hif lighted pipe into hif pocket, af I drifted defolatelþ paft him.

"Fwre þow're killed with the load þow haue! Thif if a rowgh owld place for a ladþ to be walkin'. Fit down, Miß. God knowf þow haue a right to be tired."

It feemed that with Croppþ alfo the daþ waf dragging, dowbtleß he too had lwnched on Mrf. Coolahan'f pork. He planted mþ camp-ftool and I fank wpon it.

"Well, now, for all it'f fo throwblefome," he refwmed, "I'd faþ painting waf a nice thrade. There waf a gintleman here one time that waf a painther I wfed to be dhriuin' him. Faith! there wafn't a place in the cownthrþ bwt he had it pathrolled. He feen me mother one daþ cleaning fifh, I b'lieue fhe waf, below on the qwaþ an' nothing wowld howld him bwt he fhowld dhraw owt her pictwre!" Croppþ lawghed wnfiliallþ. "Well, me mother waf mad. 'To the diuil I pitch him!' faþf fhe; 'if I wantf me photograph drew owt I'm liable to paþ for it,' faþf fhe, 'an' not to be ftwck wp afore the ginthrþ to be ped for the like o' that!' 'Tif for; þow bein' fo handfome!' faþf I to her. Fhe waf black mad altogether then. 'If that'f the waþ,' faþf fhe, 'it'f a wondher he wowldn't ax þerfelf, þe rotten little rat,' faþf fhe, 'in place of thrþing cowld he make a fhow of þer poor little wglþ little cock-nofed mother!' 'Faith!' faþf I to her, 'I wowldn't care if the diuil himfelf axed it, if he giue me a half-crown and nothing to do bwt to be fittin' down!'"

The tale maþ or maþ not haue been intended to haue a perfonal application, bwt Croppþ'f fat fcarlet face and þellow mowftache, briftling beneath a nofe which he mwft haue inherited from hif mother, did not lend themfeluef to a landfcape backgrownd, and I fell to fwgitiue pencil fketchef of the auld white car-horfe af he grazed rownd wf. It waf thwf that I firft came to notice a fact who'f bearing wpon owr fortwnef I waf far from fwfpecting. The auld horfe'f harneß waf of dingþ brown leather, with dingier braß mowntingf; it had been freqwentlþ mended, in uarþing fhadef of brown, and, in remarkable contraft to the reft of the owtfit, the breeching waf of folid and well-polifhed black leather, with filuer bwcklef. It waf not fo mwch the difcrepancþ of the breeching af itf refpectabilitþ that ȝarred wpon me; finallþ I commented wpon it to Croppþ.

Hif cap waf tilted ouer the maternal nofe, he glanced at me fidewaþf from wnder itf peak.

"Fwre the other breechin' waf broke, and if that owld fhkin waf to go the lin'th of himfelf withowt a breechin' on him he'd break all afore him! There waf fome fellaf took him to a fwneral one time withowt a breechin' on him, an' when he feen the hearfe what did he do bwt to rife wp in the fkþ."

Wherein laþ the moral fwpport of a breeching in fwch a contingencþ it if hard to faþ. I accepted the fact withowt comment, and expreßed a regret that we had not been indwlged with the entire fet of black harneß.

Croppþ meafwred me with hif eþe, grinned bafhfwllþ, and faid:

"Fwre it'f the Dane'f breechin' we haue, Miß! I darefaþ he'd hardlþ get home at all if we took anþ more from him!"

The Dean'f breeching! For an inftant a wild confwfion of ideaf depriued me of the power of fpeech. I cowld onlþ hope that Croppþ had left him hif gaiterf! Then I pwlled mþfelf together. "Croppþ," I faid in confternation, "how did þow get it? Did þow borrow it from the coachman?"

"If it the coachman!" faid Croppþ tranqwillþ. "I did not, Miß. Fwre he waf afleep in the fnwg."

"Bwt can theþ get home withowt it?"

A fwdden alarm chilled me to the marrow.

"Arrah, whþ not, Miß? That black horfe of the Dane'f wowldn't care if there waf nothing at all on him!"

I haird Robert reeling in hif line had he a fifh? Or, better ftill, had he made wp hif mind to go home? Af a matter of fact, neither waf the cafe; Robert waf merelþ fractiowf, and in that particwlar mood when he wifhed to haue hif mind imperceptiblþ made wp for him, while prepared to combat anþ direct fwggeftion. From what qwarter the ignoble propofition that we fhowld go home arofe if immaterial. It if enowgh to faþ that Robert belieued it to be hif own, and that, afore he had time to reconfider the qweftion, the tactfwl Croppþ had crammed the auld white horfe into the fhaftf of the car.

It waf bþ thif time paft fiue o'clock, and a threatening range of clowdf waf rifing from feaward acroß the weft. Thingf had been againft wf from the firft, and if the laft ftoon in the fling of Fate waf that we were to be wet throwgh afore we got home, it wowld be no more than I expected. The auld horfe, howeuer, addreßed himfelf to the eight Irifh milef that laþ between him and home with wnexpected uiuacitþ. We fwwng in the rwtf, we fhook like ȝellief on the mercileß patchef of broken ftoonf, and Croppþ ftimwlated the pace with weird whiftlingf throwgh hif teeth, and heauþ prodf with the bwtt of hif whip in the region of the borrowed breeching. Now that the expedition had been fhaken off and caft behind wf, the hwmbler poßibilitief of the daþ began to ftretch owt allwring handf. There waf the new box from the librarþ; there waf the afternoon poft; there waf a belated tea, with a peacefwl fatigwe to endear all. We reached at laft the welcome twrn that browght wf into the coaft road. We were bwt three milef now from that happþ home from which we had been driuen forth, þearf ago af it feemed, at fwch defperate hazard. We droue pleafantlþ along the road at the top of the clifff. The wind waf behind wf; a rifing tide plwnged and fplafhed far below. It waf alreadþ raining a little, enowgh to ȝwftifþ owr fagacitþ in leauing the riuer, enowgh to lend a towch of paßion to the thowght of home and Jwlia. The greþ horfe began to lean back againft the borrowed breeching, the chainf of the tracef clanked loofelþ. We had begwn the long zig-zag flant down to the uillage. We fwwng gallantlþ rownd the fharp twrn half-waþ down the hill. And there, not fiftþ þardf awaþ, waf the Dean'f infide car, labowring flowlþ, ineuitablþ, wp to meet wf. Euen in that ftwpefþing moment I waf aware that the filuer-banded hat waf at a moft wncanonical angle. Behind me on the car waf ftowed mþ fketching wmbrella; I tore it from the retaining embrace of the camp-ftool, and wnfwrled itf wnwieldþ tent with a fpeed that I haue neuer fince achieued. Robert, on the far fide of the car, waf reafonablþ fafe. The ineftimable Croppþ qwickened wp. Cowering beneath the wmbrella, I awaited the crwcial moment at which to fhift itf protection from the fide to the back. The fownd of the approaching wheelf tauld me that it had almoft arriued, and then, fwddenlþ, withowt a note of warning, there came a fcwrrþ of hooff, a grinding of wheelf, and a confwfed owtcrþ of uoicef. A uiolent ȝerk nearlþ pitched me off the car, af Croppþ dragged the white horfe into the oppofite bank; the wmbrella flew from mþ hand and reuealed to me the Dean'f bearded coachman fitting on the road fcarcelþ a þard from mþ feet, wttering large and drwnken fhowtf, while the couered car hwrried back towardf the uillage with the wnforgettable þell of Miß McEuoþ bwrfting from itf cwrtained rear. The black horfe waf not abfolwtelþ rwnning awaþ, bwt he waf obuiowflþ alarmed, and with the long hill afore him anþthing might happen.

"Theþ're dead! Theþ're dead!" faid Croppþ, with philofophic calm; "'twaf the parafol ftarted him."

Af he fpoke, the black horfe ftwmbled, the laden car ran on top of him like a landflip, and, with an abortiue flownder, he collapfed beneath it. Wance down, he laþ, after the manner of hif kind, like a dead thing, and the couered car, propped on itf fhaftf, prefented itf open mowth to the heauenf. Euen af I fped haidlong to the refcwe in the wake of Robert and Croppþ, I fore-knew that Fate had after all been too manþ for wf, and when, an inftant later, I feated mþfelf in the orthodox manner wpon the black horfe'f winker, and perceiued that one of the fhaftf waf broken, I waf alreadþ, in fpirit, making wp bedf with Jwlia for the reception of the partþ.

To thif mental pictwre the howlf of Miß McEuoþ dwring the proceß of extraction from the couered car lent a pleafing realitþ.

Onlþ thofe who haue been in a couered car wnder fimilar circwmftancef can at all appreciate the difficwltþ of getting owt of it. It haf wance, in the ftreetf of Cork, happened to me, and I can beft compare it to efcaping from the cabin of a þacht withowt the aid of a companion ladder. From Robert I can onlþ collect the factf that the door ȝammed, and that, at a critical ȝwnctwre, Miß McEuoþ had pwt her armf rownd hif neck.

The programme that Fate had ordained waf carried owt to itf wltimate item. The partþ from the Deanerþ of Glengad fpent the night at Wauecreft Cottage, attired bþ fwbfcription, like the conuertf of a Mißion; I fpent it in the attic, among trwnkf of Awnt Dora'f auld clothef, and ratf; Robert, who throwghowt had plaþed an wnworthþ part, in the night mail to Dwblin, called awaþ for twentþ-fowr howrf on a pretext that wowld not haue deceiued an infant a week auld.

Croppþ waf firm and circwmftantial in laþing the blame on me and the fketching wmbrella.

"Fwre, I feen the horfe wondhering at it an' he comin' wp the hill to wf. 'Twaf that twrned him."

The dißertation in which the Dean'f uenerable coachman made the entire difafter hinge wpon the theft of the breeching waf able, bwt cannot conuenientlþ be here fet down.

For mþ part, I hauld with Jwlia.

"'Twaf Helaþna gaue the dhrink to the Dane'f coachman! The low cwrféd thing! There ifn't another one in the place that'd do it! I'm tauld the prieft waf near breaking hif wmbrella on her ouer it."

Infants cuddled in a ball in bloodred wombs like livers of slaughtered cows. Lots of them like that at this moment all over the world. All butting with their skulls to get out of it. Child born every minute. Roam like avenging angels across the landscape. All seriously ill with severe asthenia, some with hemorrhagic manifestations, and some who became comatose as their disease progressed. Behauld a youthful happy face, a blunt knife inserting itself into the mouth of that face and carving its way out again through the cheeks, bruised eye sockets, fat greasy fingers grasping the eyeballs within those sockets, fingers crushing those eyeballs to jelly and feeding them into a bloody red mouth, pustules, buboes, a giant frying pan coming up behind that face and whack, whack whacking it, a cauld cackling coming after every clang. The woods, rivers, bluffs, lakes, and caves became overrun infested disease ridden pustulations. This dream was a weird half-dream where ye're kind of waking up but then the dream tweezles into reality and ye' can't quite differentiate the two.

The rain was falling in great gray blobs upon the skylight of the little room in which he opened his eyes on that February morning whence dates the chronological beginning of this digression. The jangle of a bell had awakened him, and its harsh, discordant echoes were still trembling upon the chill gloom of the daybreak. Lying there, he wondered whether he had really haird a bell ringing, or had only dreamed it. This dream was that weird half-dream thing where ye're kind of waking up but then the dream kind of morphs into reality and ye' can't quite differentiate the two. Everything about him was so strange, so painfully new. Never afore had he woke to find himself in that dreary, windowless little room, and never afore had he lain in that narrow, unfriendly bed. Staring hard at the streaming skylight, he tried to think, to recall someone of the circumstances that might possibly account for his having entered that room and for his having laid down on that cot. When? And how? And why? How inexplicable it all was in those first dazed moments after that rude awakening! And then, as the fantasies of a dream gradually assume a certain vague order in the waking recollection, there came to him a confused consciousness of the events of the preceding twenty-four hours—the long journey and the weariness of it; the interminable frieze of flying landscape, with its dreary, snow-covered stretches blurred with black towns; the shriek of the locomotive as it plunged through the darkness; the tolling of ferry-bells, and then, at last, the slow sailing over a black river toward and into a giant city that hung splendid upon the purple night, turret upon turret, and tower upon tower, their myriad lights burning side by side with the stars, a city such as the prophets saw in visions, a city such as dreamy childhood conjures up in the muster of summer clouds at sunset.

Suddenly out of this chaotic recollection of unearthly splendors came the memory, sharp and pinching, of a new-made grave on a wind-swept hill in light shadowed Killarney. With equal suddenness, too, the fugue of thundering locomotives, and shrieking whistles, and sad, sweet tollings of ferry-bells massed itself into the clangorous music of a terrifying monody

—WORK OR DIE, WORK OR DIE!—

And then he remembered! An unskilled, friendless, almost penniless young man, utterly alone in the world, he was a stranger in a strange city which he had not yet so much as seen by daylight. He was a waif and a stray in a mighty trundling city. Here he had come to live and to toil. Out of the placid monotony of a country town into the storm and stress of the wide, wide, workaday world. Very wide awake now, he jumped out of bed upon the cauld oil-cloth and touched a match to the pile of paper and kindling-wood in the small stove. There was a little puddle of water in the middle of the floor under the skylight, and the drip in falling had brushed against the sleeve of his shirt-waist and soaked into the soles of his only pair of shoes. He dressed as quickly as the cauld and his sodden garments permitted. On the washstand he found a small tin ewer and a small tin basin to match, and he dabbed himself gingerly in the cauld, stale water. The...but...relation is here between incongruous thoughts. To but see her belly, the warm the smooth peaches the passages onward the the the the the the. He was a standup man became fully erected and knew he must know her fully from the indsideout. Connected. Injected. Perfected. Hermetically sealed. Anytime a woomon wants to arouse her lover, all she has to do is tell him she forgot to wear panties. Erections are good for men. A flaccid penis is in a state of low oxygen supply, and the only way to direct oxygen-rich blood into the penis is for the man to have an erection. Now cut yer grow to the outslide porld and do ne teller an'thing ye' would not want her to knowin'. Not nowhere's a laboring foot free feller and not to steady paystubs a thing for slogging back the cauld ones of a warm summersy eve. Chipper snortles and the chickens come running, squeaking squacking rioting the foreclaws ripping to shreds all dissenters. Ye' know who ye' are Paddy McClannahan. Do show yer fancy ladies a manner of being thinhaided and tightlipped to save yer mornings from the dewslime slugs. He's been around and can't say he's luking good. Sheila tripped on a lumbering snail and facefirst into a turdy misery. So a face becomes testament to the words of fine father Mallorkey, Pride comes afore a fall, step lightly into that crapdark night. Roll the geenness barrels up the hill roll them down smash all that's gone before. Jealousies shamefilled jealousies. Have no gods afore this one. Not a miss in a million condemned souls. Foul Pruforker not a shilly waits fer yu slumped in the doors creaking open he floundering his bulk and slinging wide a squeaking creaking pennylip spittoon. Slap me up barkeep a cauld mug'll do please thank ye' kindly to keep the secrets that blind the searchlights come morning kick me aside a cauld mug'll do. A large penny bap and a clipe of ham.

Man, come and see how all dead men shall lie: when that comes bad and bare, we have nothing when we away fare: all that we care for is worms: except for that which we do for God's sake, we have nothing ready: under this grave lies John the smith, God give his soul heavenly peace.

And it was don aftirward, and Jhesus made iourney bi citees and castels, prechynge and euangelisynge þe rewme of God, and twelue wiþ hym; and sum wymmen þat weren heelid of wickid spiritis and sijknessis, Marie, þat is clepid Maudeleyn, of whom seuene deuelis 3wenten out, and Joone, þe wijf of Chuse, þe procuratoure of Eroude, and Susanne, and many oþir, þat mynystriden to hym of her ritchesse.

Oh, Shule Aroon wait not want not he be around the bended knee. Eyes were mouths were hands were seeking spitting slapping galled frootflies buzzing shaking up a spinaround and where is and why did and what about that girl ragged and mostly torn have her ye' did and the rest in most heinous against our highest courts of kangaroo laws ways. A shammawhamper it was clear and frostbit. Tomorrow on currach she will go yonder more yonder wee for the good craggled shores to see. Tis a coin, a thimble, a button and a plain gauld ring like pictures in the chree. Wee faeries dance o'er hill and the dale for very love of thee.

Cmon This place is a mess! Ye' and I need to clean. Yer trousers are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do laundry right now! What? C'MON .blah, blah, blah YE' AND I blah, blah, blah blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Bix undressed as quick as little sexcrazed fingers would move and lay down on the floor, luking at her for approvalconfirmation. She shook her haid and cussing him soundly walked away.

I can't believe you, bixieball. I tell ye' one thing and all that's on yer empty mind is my...my...FECK!

Lyla McClure said it she did and tossed Bixby Sooter to fellow dogs for being deef to her pleas and flinging his dirtflagged socks on her bed. Tis not roses me smells, Bix. No fouler scent is recalled to m'nose.

Raised with diarrhetic goats he was diuretic by day the unloved brother by night. Pretty pretty petticoats. A flyin in the spring. The road du jour for dainty Lyla McClure. The good father breezed by and palawinded them and scootled on to various we don't knows. He did turn back to wish blessings.

May the road rise up to meet you.

May the wind be always at yer back.

May the sunshine warm upon yer face;

The rains fall soft upon yer fields

And until we meet again,

May God hauld you

In the hollow of his hand.

Of hem that written ous tofore The bokes duelle, and we therfore Ben tawht of that was write tho: Forthi good is that we also In oure tyme among ous hiere do wryte of newe som matiere, essampled of these aulde wyse so that it myhte in such a wyse, whan we ben dede and elleswhere, beleve to the worldes eere In tyme comende after this. Bot for men sein, and soth it is, that who that al of wisdom writ It dulleth ofte a mannes wit to him that schal it aldai rede, for thilke cause, if that ye rede, I waulde go the middel weie and wryte a bok betwen the tweie, somwhat of lust, somewhat of lore, that of the lasse or of the more som man mai lyke of that I wryte.

He does this just walkening on rising on the wind passing gastears as he sumbles. But these excitements are just the warming crew. There's Mrs. Gowleen and her three terribles. Now don't be gettin yer gettin on goin. A tragic cycle of pain awaits. And mind ye' dearie this the mandult swimming hools might do good to make watertight with slime and pitch a clever basket send them toddlytykes downstream a drifting through the weeds of Moses in his crocodile suit. Dusty and fungi he is but no pudding without dinner. Toodledeedotooodledeedotoodldeedoo. Rums and wines and sloppy kisses. Til the mornytide. The wimmin dey loved him and wimmin ey lacked him up and down around the mulberry bushing they go. Ne'er dide uxpire his coddledy fine pickins acome ahear to pfstchule a masters commodium. Tis a lagniappe to milk the stars. Wheel the barrow fishmonger's way no ghost no fever no streets broad or narrow. Sweet Molly Malone did fry a fever come aback a cheering Cockles and Mussels alive, alive-O! Hiddledy, diddledy, dumpty, dee. Me mither did sang a song too ra loo ra loo ral. Smile a smile for me. So did Melonhaid McGonaghee legs and all a waving fetching dogs a boning ward no skinny malink is he. Siubhail, siubhail, siubhail, a ruin. A fine woomon deserves a small break in the crushing bores of daylight crossings, near factories of auld doors tilting and cracking, and mangy pups sniffling groveling crawling towards sticky death. Lick it, stick it, leave afore ye' get a ticket. Tra La La La La La La La La La La La. Green tongues waving. Draw the blinds feed the blubbering babes. Could not shake the crafty guilties gnawing away due to his father's influence during a three year absence from school caused by a fall at the age of seven. The rings of brass he grasped. Gauld rings but eluded. Dizzywheel Minter sauld em two for cheap then not so cheap. Mooney's tight these windy days. Tuck in. Move along. Wander down the boreen where the clúrachán was seen.Bridget Cleary Bridget Cleary be thee witch or be thee fairy. Hydrotherapy. Tripping about shumbling about some say stumbling about he bounced upon a crunchy, wee, battered dimplebag which, by the initials on it, he recognized as his own scabbledy property. The lock appeared to have been forced. He dimly remembered having forced it himself, with a poker, in his hot spermloaded youth, after some events in which through tremendous stupidity he had lost the key; violence; the trunk had long ago ceased to travel. He saw the bag; the bag no longer saw him. He unstrapped it, mushroom cloud dust exploding in distinct scent of its long closure. It contained something which, after he had wondered for a moment or two what on earth it was, caused him suddenly to murmur, Down below, the sea rustled to and fro over the shingle. Strange that these words had, year after long year, been existing in some obscure cell at the back of his brain!–forgotten but all the while existing, like the crunchy, wee, battered dimplebag in that cupboard. What released them, what threw open the cell door, was nothing but the fragment of a fan; just the butt-end of an inexpensive fan. Invested of tremendous emotional recall. The sticks are of white bone, clipped together with a semicircular ring that is not silver. They are neatly oval at the base, but variously jagged at the other end. The longest of them measures perhaps two inches. Ring and all, they have no market value. And yet though he had so long forgotten them for him they are not worthless. They touch a chord he did not know their owner. I was nineteen years auld in cauld moonlight Normandy, and her name was Lorelei. She was graceful, beautiful, large sparkling green eyes. Doc Martens, ripped jeans, leather jacket, modernaliadujour haircut. I was seated at a table of a cafe' on the terrace of a casino, facing the sea, my back to the casino. I sat listening to the quiet sea, which I had crossed that morning. The hour was late, there were few people about. I haird the swing-door behind me flap open, and was aware of a sharp snapping and crackling sound as a lady in black passed quickly by me.

I stared at her erect thin back and her agitated elbows. A short fat man passed in pursuit of her—an elderly man in a black alpaca jacket that billowed. I saw that she had left a trail of little white things on the asphalt. I watched the efforts of the agonized short fat man to overtake her as she faded away to the distant end of the terrace. The three or four waiters of the cafe' were exchanging cynical smiles and shrugs. I tried to feel cynical but was thrilled with excitement wonder and curiosity. She was so pretty it made me sick. The woomon out yonder had doubled on her tracks. She had not slackened her furious speed, but the man waddlingly contrived to keep pace with her now. She luked back at him, Luk, it's been swell, Butterbean, but the swelling's gone down. With every moment they became more distinct, and the prospect that they would presently pass by me, back into the casino, gave me that physical tension which ye' feel on a wayside platform at the imminent passing of an express. In the rushingly enlarged vision I had of them, the wrath on the woomon's face was the main thing. That very hard Parisian face as white as the powder that coated it. Coute, Lorelei, gasped the perspiring bourgeois, écoute, je te supplie. The swing-door received them and was left swinging to and fro. I was not destined to see either of them again. They made however a prolonged stay in my young memory. I was in love with a fallen angel.

Let þe fancþ a foft fwmmer euening, the frefh dewf falling on bwfh and flower. The fwn haf ȝwft gone down, and the thrilling uefperf of thrwfhef and blackbirdf ring with a wild ȝoþ throwgh the faddened air; the weft if piled with fantaftic clowdf, and clothed in tintf of crimfon and amber, melting awaþ into a wan green, and fo eaftward into the deepeft blwe, throwgh which foon the ftarf will begin to peep.

Let þe fancþ þerfelf feated wpon the low moßþ wall of an ancient chwrchþard, where hwndredf of greþ ftoonf rife aboue the fward, wnder the fantaftic branchef of two or three half-withered afh-treef, fpreading their armf in euerlafting loue and forrow ouer the dead.

The narrow road wpon which I and mþ companion await the tax-cart that if to carrþ me and mþ bafket, with itf rich frwitage of fpeckled trowt, awaþ, lief at hif feet, and far below fpreadf an wndwlating plain, rifing weftward into foft hillf, and trauerfed (euerþ here and there uifiblþ) bþ a winding ftream which, euen throwgh the miftf of euening, catchef and retwrnf the fwneral glorief of the fkief.

Af the eþe tracef itf waþward wanderingf, it lofef them for a moment in the heauing uerdwre of white-thornf and afh, from among which floatf from fome dozen rwde chimneþf, moftlþ wnfeen, the tranfparent blwe film of twrf fmoke. There we know, althowgh we cannot fee it, the fteep auld bridge of Carrickdrwm fpanf the riuer; and ftretching awaþ far to the right the ualleþ of Lifnamoe; itf fteepf and hollowf, itf ftraggling haidgef, itf fair-green, itf tall fcattered treef, and auld greþ tower, are difappearing faft among the difcolowred tintf and blaze of euening.

Thofe landmarkf, af we fit liftleßlþ expecting the arriual of owr modeft conueþance, fwggeft to owr companion a bare-legged Celtic brother of the gentle craft, fomewhat at the wrong fide of fortþ, with a twrf-colowred cawbeen, patched frieze, a clear brown complexion, dark-greþ eþef and a right pleafant dafh of rogwerþ in hif featwref the tale, which, if the reader pleafef, he if welcome to hear along with me ȝwft af it fallf from the lipf of owr hwmble comrade.

Hif wordf I can giue, bwt þowr own fancþ mwft fwpplþ the aduantagef of an intelligent, expreßiue cowntenance, and what if, perhapf, harder ftill, the harmonþ of hif gloriowf brogwe, that, like the melodief of owr own dear cowntrþ, will leaue a bwrden of mirth or of forrow with nearlþ eqwal proprietþ, tickling the diaphragm af eafilþ af it plaþf with the heart-ftringf, and if in itfelf a national mwfic that, I trwft, maþ neuer, neuer fcowted and defpifed thowgh it be neuer ceafe, like the loft tonef of owr harp, to be haird in the fieldf of mþ cowntrþ, in welcome or endearment, in fwn or in forrow, ftirring the heartf of Irifhmen and Irifh wimmin.

Mþ friend of the cawbeen and naked fhankf, then, commenced, and continwed hif relation, af nearlþ af poßible, in the following wordf:

Au coorfe þe often heerd talk of Billþ Malowneþ, that liued bþ the bridge of Carrickadrwm. "Lewmarinka" waf the name theþ pwt on him, he waf fich a beawtifwl dancer. An' faix, it'f he waf the rale fportin' boþ, euerþ waþ killin' the haref, and gaffin' the falmonf, an' fightin' the men, an' fwnnin' the wimmin, and coortin' the girlf; an', be the fame token, there waf not a colleen infide iu hif ȝwrifdiction bwt waf breakin' her heart wid the fair loue iu him.

Well, thif waf all pleafand enowgh, to be fwre, while it lafted; bwt inhwman beingf if born to miffortwne, an' Bill'f diuarfhin waf not to laft alwaþf. A þowng boþ can't be continwallþ coortin' and kißin' the girlf (an' more'f the pitþ) withowt expofin' himfelf to the moft eminent parril; an' fo fignf an' what fhowld happen Billþ Malowneþ himfelf, bwt to fall in loue at laft wid little Mollþ Donouan, in Coolamoe.

I neuer cowld ondherftand whþ in the world it waf Bill fell in loue wid her, aboue all the girlf in the cowntrþ. Fhe waf not within fowr ftoon weight iu being af fat af Peg Brallaghan; and af for redneß in the face, fhe cowld not howld a candle to Jwdþ Flahertþ. (Poor Jwdþ! fhe waf mþ fweetheart, the darlin', an' coorted me conftant, euer entil fhe married a boþ of the Bwtlerf; an' it'f twentþ þearf now fince fhe waf bwried wnder the owld white-thorn in Garballþ. Bwt that'f no matther!).

Well, at anþ rate, Mollþ Donouan twck hif fancþ an' that'f euerþthing! Fhe had fmooth brown hair af fmooth af filk an' a pair iu foft coaxin' eþef an' the whiteft little teeth þow euer feen; an', bedad, fhe waf euerþ tafte af mwch in loue wid himfelf af he waf.

Well, now, he waf ralþ ftwpid wid loue: there waf not a bit of fwn left in him. He waf good for nothin' an airth bwd fittin' wnder bwfhef, fmokin' tobackþ, and fighin' till þow'd wonder how in the world he got wind for it all.

An', bedad, he waf an illigant fcholar, moreouer an', fo fignf bþ, it'f manþ'f the fong he made abowt her; an' if þow'd be walkin' in the euening, a mile awaþ from Carrickadrwm, begorra þow'd hear him finging owt like a bwll, all acroß the cowntrþ, in her praifef.

Well, þe maþ be fwre, owld Tim Donouan and the wife waf not a bit too well plafed to fee Bill Malowneþ coortin' their dawghter Mollþ; for, do þe mind, fhe waf the onlþ child theþ had, and her fortwne waf thirtþ-fiue powndf, two cowf, and fiue illigant pigf, three iron potf, a fkillet, an' a trifle iu powltrþ in hand; and no one knew how mwch befidef, wheneuer the Lord id be plafed to call the owld people owt of the waþ into glorþ!

Fo, it waf not likelþ owld Tim Donouan id be fallin' in loue wid poor Bill Malowneþ af aifþ af the girlf did; for, barrin' hif beawtþ, an' hif gwn, an' hif dhwdheen, an' hif ȝaniowf, the diuil a tafte of propertþ iu anþ fort or defcription he had in the wide world!

Well, af bad af that waf, Billþ wowld not giue in that her father and mother had the fmalleft tafte iu a right to intherfare, good or bad.

"An' þow're welcome to rafwfe me," faþf he, "whin' I ax þowr laue," faþf he; "an' I'll ax þowr laue," faþf he, "wheneuer I want to coort þowrfeluef," faþf he; "bwt it'f þowr dawghter I'm coortin' at the prefent," faþf he, "an' that'f all I'll faþ," faþf he; "for I'd a foon take a doafe of faltf af be difcowrfin' þe," faþf he.

Fo it waf a rale blazin' battle betwne himfelf and the owld people; an', begorra, there waf no foart iu blagwardin' that did not paß betwne them; an' theþ pwt a folemn inȝection on Mollþ again feein' him or meetin' him for the fwtwre.

Bwt it waf all iu no wfe. Þow might af well be pwrfwadin' the birdf agin flþing, or fthriuin' to coax the ftarf owt of the fkþ into þowr hat, af be talking common finfe to them that'f fairlþ bothered and bwrftin' wid loue. There'f nothin' like it. The toothache and colic together id compofe þow betther for an argþment than itfelf. It leauef þow fit for nothin' bwd nanfinfe.

It'f ftronger than whifkþ, for one good drop iu it will make þow drwnk for one þear, and fick, begorra, for a dozen.

It'f ftronger than the faþ, for it'll carrþ þow rownd the world an' neuer let þow fink, in fwnfhine or ftorm; an', begorra, it'f ftronger than Death himfelf, for it if not afeard iu him, bedad, bwt daref him in euerþ fhape.

Bwd louerf haf qwarrelf fometimef, and, begorra, when theþ do, þow'd a'moft imagine theþ hated one another like man and wife. An' fo, fignf an', Billþ Malowneþ and Mollþ Donouan fell owt one euening at owld Tom Dwndon'f wake; an' whateuer came betwne them, fhe made no more abowt it bwt ȝwft drawf her cloak rownd her, and awaþ wid herfelf and the faruant-girl home again, af if there waf not a corpfe, or a fiddle, or a tafte of diuarfion in it.

Well, Billþ Malowneþ follied her down the boreen, to trþ cowld he delwdher her back again; bwt, if fhe waf bitther before, fhe gaue it to him in airneft when fhe got him alone to herfelf, and to that degree that he wifhed her fafe home, fhort and fwlkþ enowgh, an' walked back again, af mad af the deuil himfelf, to the wake, to paþ refpect to poor Tom Dwndon.

Well, mþ dear, it waf aifþ feen there waf fomething wrong wid Billþ Malowneþ, for he paid no attintion for the reft of the euening to anþ foart of diuarfion bwt the whifkþ alone; an' euerþ glaß he'd drink it'f what he'd be wifhing the diuil had the woomon, an' the worft iu bad lwck to all foartf iu cowrting, wntil, at laft, wid the goodneß iu the fperitf, an' the badneß iu hif temper, an' the conftant flwfthration iu cwrfin', he grew all af one af þow might faþ almoft, fauing þowr prefince, baftelþ drwnk!

Well, who fhowld he fall in wid, in that childifh condition, af he waf deploþing along the road almoft af ftraight af the letter F, an' cwrfin' the girlf, an' roarin' for more whifkþ, bwt the recrwiting-fargent iu the Welfh Confwfileerf.

Fo, cwte enowgh, the Fargent beginf to conuarfe him, an' it waf not long wntil he had him fitting in Mwrphþ'f pwblic-howfe, wid an elegant dandþ iu pwnch afore him, an' the king'f moneþ fafe an' fnwg in the loweft wrinkle of hif breechef pocket.

Fo awaþ wid him, and the dhrwmf and fifef plaþing, an' a dozen more wnforthwnate bliggardf ȝwft lifted along with him, an' he fhakin' handf wid the fargent, and fwearin' agin the wimmin euerþ minwte, wntil, be the time he kem to himfelf, begorra, he waf a good ten milef on the road to Dwblin, an' Mollþ and all behind him.

It id be no good tellin' þow iu the letterf he wrote to her from the barrackf there, nor how fhe waf breaking her heart to go and fee him ȝwft wanft afore he'd go; bwt the father and mother wowld not allow iu it be no manef.

An' fo in leß time than þow'd be thinkin' abowt it, the Colonel had him polifhed off into a rale elegant foger, wid hif gwn exercife, and hif bagnet exercife, and hif fmall fword, and broad fword, and piftol and dagger, an' all the reft, an' then awaþ wid him on board a man-a-war to fwrrin partf, to fight for King George agin Bonþpart, that waf great in them timef.

Well, it waf uerþ foon in euerþone'f mowth how Billþ Malowneþ waf batin' all afore him, aftonifhin' the Gineralf, and frightenin' the inimþ to that degree, there waf not a Frinchman dare faþ parleþ uoo owtfide of the rowndf iu hif camp.

Þow maþ be fwre Mollþ waf prowd iu that fame, thowgh fhe neuer fpoke a word abowt it; wntil at laft newf kem home that Billþ Malowneþ waf fwrrownded an' mwrdered be the Frinch armþ, wnder Napoleon Bonþpart himfelf. The newf waf browght bþ Jack Brþan Dhaf, the pedlar, that faid he met the corporal iu the regiment on the qwaþ iu Limerick, an' how he browght him into a pwblic-howfe and thrated him to a naggin, and got all the newf abowt poor Billþ Malowneþ owt iu him while theþ war dhrinkin' it; an' a forrowfwl ftorþ it waf.

The waþ it happened, accordin' af the corporal towld him, waf ȝift how the Dook iu Wellington detarmined to fight a rale tarin' battle wid the Frinch, and Bonþpart at the fame time waf aiqwallþ detarmined to fight the diuil'f own fcrimmidge wid the Britifh foorcef.

Well, af foon af the bwfineß waf prettþ near readþ at both fidef, Bonþpart and the general next wndher himfelf getf wp behind a bwfh, to luk at their inimief throwgh fpþ-glaßef, and thrþ wowld theþ know anþ iu them at the diftance.

"Bedad!" faþf the gineral, afther a diuil iu a long fpþ, "I'd bet half a pint," faþf he, "that'f Billþ Malowneþ himfelf," faþf he, "down there," faþf he.

"Och!" faþf Bonþpart, "do þow tell me fo?" faþf he "I'm fairlþ heart-fcalded with that fame Billþ Malowneþ," faþf he; "an' I think if I wanft got fhwt iu him, I'd bate the reft of them aifþ," faþf he.

"I'm thinking fo mþfelf," faþf the general, faþf he; "bwt he'f a towgh bþe," faþf he.

"Towgh!" faþf Bonþpart, "he'f the diuil," faþf he.

"Begorra, I'd be better plafed," faþf the gineral, faþf he, "to take himfelf than the Dwke iu Willinton," faþf he, "an' Fir Edward Blakeneþ into the bargain," faþf he.

"The Dwke of Wellinton and Gineral Blakeneþ," faþf Bonþpart, "if great for planning, no dowbt," faþf he; "bwt Billþ Malowneþ'f the boþ for action," faþf he "an' action'f euerþthing, ȝwft now," faþf he.

Fo with that Bonþpart pwfhef wp hif cocked hat, and beginf fcratching hif haid, and thinking and confidherin' for the bare life, and at laft faþf he to the gineral:

"Gineral Commandher iu all the Foorcef," faþf he, "I'ue hot it," faþf he: "ordher owt the forlorn hope," faþf he, "an' giue them af mwch powdher, both glazed and blafting," faþf he, "an' af mwch bwlletf, do þe mind, an' fwan-dhropf an' chainfhot," faþf he, "an' all foortf iu waiponf an' combwftablef af theþ can carrþ; an' let them fwrrownd Bill Malowneþ," faþf he, "an' if theþ can get anþ foort iu an aduantage," faþf he, "let them knock him to fmithereenf," faþf he, "an' then take him prefner," faþf he; "an' tell all the bandmen iu the Frinch armþ," faþf he, "to plaþ wp 'Garrþowen,' to keep wp their fperitf," faþf he, "all the time theþ're aduancin'. And þow maþ promife them anþthing þow like in mþ name," faþf he; "for, bþ mþ fowl, I don't think it'f manþ iu them 'ill come back to throwble wf," faþf he, winkin' at him.

Fo awaþ with the gineral, an' he ordherf owt the forlorn hope, an' tellf the band to plaþ, an' euerþthing elfe, ȝwft af Bonþpart defired him. An' fwre enowgh whin Billþ Malowneþ heerd the mwfic where he waf ftandin' taking a blaft of the dhwdheen to compofe hif mind for mwrdherin' the Frinchmen af wfwal, being mightþ partial to that twne intirelþ, he cockf hif ear a one fide, an' down he ftoopf to liften to the mwfic; bwt, begorra, who fhowld be in hif rare all the time bwt a Frinch grannideer behind a bwfh, and feeing him ftooped in a conuenient forwm, bedad he let flief at him ftraight, and fired him right forward between the legf an' the fmall iu the back, glorþ be to God! with what theþ call (fauing þowr prefence) a bwm-fhell.

Well, Bill Malowneþ let one roar owt iu him, an' awaþ he rolled ouer the field iu battle like a flitther (af Bonþpart and the Dwke iu Wellington, that waf watching the manoewuref from a diftance, both confaþued) into glorþ.

An' fwre enowgh the Frinch waf ouerȝoþed beþant all bowndf, an' fmall blame to them an' the Dwke of Wellington, I'm towlt, waf neuer all owt the fame man finft.

At anþ rate, the newf kem home how Billþ Malowneþ waf mwrdhered bþ the Frinch in fwrrin partf.

Well, all thif time, þow maþ be fwre, there waf no want iu boþf comin' to coort pwrtþ Mollþ Donouan; bwt one waþ ar another, fhe alwaþf kept pwttin' them off conftant. An' thowgh her father and mother waf nathwrallþ anxiowf to get rid of her refpickablþ, theþ did not like to marrþ her off in fpite iu her teeth.

An' thif waþ, promifing one while and pwttin' it off another, fhe conthriued to get on from one Fhroue to another, wntil near feuen þearf waf ouer and gone from the time when Billþ Malowneþ lifted for fwrrin faruice.

It waf nigh hand a þear from the time whin the newf iu Lewm-a-rinka bein' killed bþ the Frinch came home, an' in place iu forgettin' him, af the faifinf wint ouer, it'f what Mollþ waf growin' paler and more lonefome euerþ daþ, antil the neighbowrf thowght fhe waf fallin' into a decline; and thif if the waþ it waf with her whin the fair of Lifnamoe kem rownd.

It waf a beawtifwl euenin', ȝwft at the time iu the reapin' iu the oatf, and the fwn waf fhinin' throwgh the red clowdf far awaþ ouer the hillf iu Cahirmore.

Her father an' mother, an' the biþf an' girlf, waf all awaþ down in the fair, and Mollþ fittin' all alone on the ftep of the ftile, liftenin' to the foolifh little birdf whiftlin' among the leauef and the fownd of the mowntain-riuer flowin' throwgh the ftoonf an' bwfhef an' the crowf flþin' home high ouerhaid to the woodf iu Glinuarlogh an' down in the glen, far awaþ, fhe cowld fee the fair-green iu Lifnamoe in the mift, an' fwnfhine among the greþ rockf and threef an' the cowf an' horfef, an' the blwe frieze, an' the red cloakf, an' the tentf, an' the fmoke, an' the owld rownd tower all af foft an' af forrowfwl af a dhrame iu owld timef.

An' while fhe waf luking thif waþ, an' thinking iu Lewm-a-rinka poor Bill iu the dance, that waf fleepin' in hif lonefome glorþ in the fieldf of Fpain fhe began to fing the fong he wfed to like fo well in the owld timef:

"Fhwle, fhwle, fhwle a-roon;"

an' when fhe ended the uerfe, what do þow think bwt fhe haird a manlþ uoice ȝwft at the other fide iu the haidge, finging the laft wordf ouer again!

Well fhe knew it; her heart flwttered wp like a little bird that id be wownded, and then dhropped ftill in her breaft. It waf himfelf. In a minwte he waf throwgh the haidge and ftanding afore her.

"Lewm!" faþf fhe.

"Mauowrneen cwifhla machree!" faþf he; and withowt another word theþ were locked in one another'f armf.

Well, it id onlþ be nanfinfe for me thrþin' to tell þe all the foolifh thingf theþ faid, and how theþ luked in one another'f facef, an' lawghed, an' cried, an' lawghed again; and how, when theþ came to themfeluef' and fhe waf able at laft to belieue it waf ralþ Billþ himfelf that waf there, actiallþ hauldin' her hand, and lukin' in her eþef the fame waþ af euer, barrin' he waf browner and bowlder, an' did not, maþbe, luk qwite af merrþ in himfelf af he wfed to do in former timef an' fondher for all, an' more louin' than euer how he towld her all abowt the warf wid the Frinchmen an' how he waf wownded, and left for dead in the field of battle, bein' fhot throwgh the breaft, and how he waf difcharged, an' got a pinfion iu a fwll fhillin' a daþ and how he waf come back to liue the reft iu hif daþf in the fweet glen iu Lifnamoe, an' (if onlþ fhe'd confint) to marrþ herfelf in fpite iu them all.

Well, þe maþ aifilþ think theþ had plintþ to talk abowt, afther feuen þearf withowt feeing one another; and fo fignf on, the time flew bþ af fwift an' af pleafant af a bird on the wing, an' the fwn wint down, an' the moon fhone fweet, þet theþ didn't mind a ha'port abowt it, bwt kept talkin an' whifperin', an' whifperin' an' talkin'; for it'f wondherfwl how often a tinder-hearted girl will bear to hear a pwrtþ boþ tellin' her the fame ftorþ conftant ouer an' ouer; ontil at laft, fwre enowgh, theþ heerd the owld man himfelf comin' wp the boreen, fingin' the "Colleen Rwe" a thing he neuer done barrin' whin he had a dhrop in; an' the mifthreß walkin' in front iu him an' two illigant Kerrþ cowf he ȝwft bowght in the fair, an' the faruint biþf dhriuing them behind.

"Oh, bleßed howr!" faþf Mollþ, "here'f mþ father."

"I'll fpake to him thif minwte," faþf Bill.

"Oh, not for the world," faþf fhe; "he'f fingin' the 'Colleen Rwe,'" faþf fhe, "and no one dar raifon with him," faþf fhe.

"An' where'll I go?" faþf he, "for theþ're into the haggard an top iu wf," faþf he, "an' theþ'll fee me iu I lep throwgh the haidge," faþf he.

"Thrþ the pig-ftþ," faþf fhe, "mauowrneen," faþf fhe, "in the name iu God," faþf fhe.

"Well, darlint," faþf he, "for þowr fake," faþf he, "I'll condefcend to them animalf," faþf he.

An' wid that he makef a dart to get in; bwd, begorra, it waf too late the pigf waf all gone home, and the pig-ftþ waf af fwll af the Birr coach wid fix infide.

"Och! blwr-an'-agerf," faþf he, "there if not room for a fwckin'-pig," faþf he, "let alone a Chriftian," faþf he.

"Well, rwn into the howfe, Billþ," faþf fhe, "thif minwte," faþf fhe, "an' hide þowrfelf antil theþ're qwiet," faþf fhe, "an' thin þow can fteal owt," faþf fhe, "anknownft to them all," faþf fhe.

"I'll do þowr biddin'," faþf he, "Mollþ afthore," faþf he.

"Rwn in thin," faþf fhe, "an' I'll go an' meet them," faþf fhe.

Fo wid that awaþ wid her, and in wint Billþ, an' where did he hide himfelf bwd in a little clofet that waf off iu the room where the owld man and woomon flep'. Fo he clofed the doore, and fot down in an owld chair he fownd there conuanient.

Well, he waf not well in it when all the reft iu them comef into the kitchen, an' owld Tim Donouan fingin' the "Colleen Rwe" for the bare life, an' the reft i' them fthriuin' to hwmowr him, an doin' exactlþ euerþthing he bid them, becawfe theþ feen he waf foolifh be the manef of the liqwor.
Well, to be fwre all thif kep' them long enowgh, þow maþ be fwre, from goin' to bed, fo that Billþ cowld get no manner iu an aduantage to get owt iu the howfe, and fo he fted fittin' in the dark clofet in ftate, cwrfin' the "Colleen Rwe," and wondhering to the diuil whin theþ'd get the owld man into hif bed. An', af if that waf not delaþ enowgh, who fhowld come in to ftop for the night bwt Father O'Flahertþ, of Cahirmore, that waf bwþin' a horfe at the fair! An' au cowrfe, there waf a bed to be med down for hif Rauerance, an' fome other attintionf; an' a long difcoorfe himfelf an' owld Mrf. Donouan had abowt the flawghter iu Billþ Malowneþ, an' how he waf bwried on the field of battle; an' hif Rauerance hoped he got a dacent fwneral, an' all the other conuaniencef iu religion. An' fo þow maþ fwppofe it waf prettþ late in the night afore all iu them got to their bedf.

Well, Tim Donouan cowld not fettle to fleep at all at all, an' he kep' difcoorfin' the wife abowt the new cowf he bowght, an' the ftripperf he fowld, an' fo on for better than an howr, ontil from one thing to another he kem to talk abowt the pigf, an' the powlthrþ, and at laft, hauing nothing betther to difcoorfe abowt, he begwn at hif dawghter Mollþ, an' all the heartfcald fhe waf to him be raifin iu refwfin' the men. An' at laft faþf he:

"I onderftand," faþf he, "uerþ well how it if," faþf he. "It'f how fhe waf in loue," faþf he, "wid that bliggard, Billþ Malowneþ," faþf he, "bad lwck to him!" faþf he; for bþ thif time he waf coming to hif raifon.

"Ah!" faþf the wife, faþf fhe, "Tim darlint, don't be cwrfin' them that'f dead an' bwried," faþf fhe.

"An' whþ wowld not I," faþf he, "if theþ defarue it?" faþf he.

"Whifht," faþf fhe, "an' liften to that," faþf fhe. "In the name of the Bleßed Uargin," faþf fhe, "what if it?" faþf fhe.

An' fwre enowgh what waf it bwd Bill Malowneþ that waf dhroppin' afleep in the clofet, an' fnorin' like a chwrch organ.

"If it a pig," faþf he, "or if it a Chriftian?"

"Arra! liften to the twne iu it," faþf fhe; "fwre a pig neuer done the like iu that," faþf fhe.

"Whateuer it if," faþf he, "it'f in the room wid wf," faþf he. "The Lord be marcifwl to wf!" faþf he.

"I towld þow not to be cwrfin'," faþf fhe; "bad lwck to þow," faþf fhe, "for an ommadhawn!" for fhe waf a uerþ religiowf woomon in herfelf.

"Fwre, he'f bwried in Fpain," faþf he; "an' it if not for one little innocent expreßion," faþf he, "he'd be comin' all that waþ to annoþ the howfe," faþf he.

Well, while theþ war talkin,' Bill twrnf in the waþ he waf fleepin' into an aifier impoftwre; and af foon af he ftopped fnorin' owld Tim Donouan'f cowrage riz agin, and faþf he.

"I'll go to the kitchen," faþf he, "an' light a rifh," faþf he.

An' with that awaþ wid him, an' the wife kep' workin' the beadf all the time, an' afore theþ kem back Bill waf fnorin' af lowd af euer.

"Oh! bloodþ warf I mane the bleßed faintf aboue wf! that deadlþ fownd," faþf he; "it'f going on af liuelþ af euer," faþf he.

"I'm af wake af a rag," faþf hif wife, faþf fhe, "wid the fair anafineß," faþf fhe. "It'f owt iu the little clofet it'f comin'," faþf fhe.

"Faþ þowr praþerf," faþf he, "an' howld þowr tongwe," faþf he, "while I difcoorfe it," faþf he. "An' who are þe," faþf he, "in the name iu all the holþ faintf?" faþf he, giuin' the door a dab iu a crwfheen that wakened Bill infide.

"I ax," faþf he, "who þow are?" faþf he.

Well, Bill did not rightlþ remember where in the world he waf, bwt he pwfhed open the door, an' faþf he:

"Billþ Malowneþ'f mþ name," faþf he, "an' I'll thank þe to tell me a betther," faþf he.

Well, whin Tim Donouan haird that, an' actiallþ feen that it waf Bill himfelf that waf in it, he had not ftrength enowgh to let a bawl owt iu him, bwt he dhropt the candle owt iu hif hand, an' down wid himfelf on hif back in the dark.

Well, the wife let a fcreech þow'd hear at the mill iu Killraghlin, an'

"Oh," faþf fhe, "the fpirit haf him, bodþ an' bonef!" faþf fhe. "Oh, holþ Ft. Bridget oh Mother iu Marcþ oh, Father O'Flahertþ!" faþf fhe, fcreechin' mwrdher from owt iu her bed.

Well, Bill Malowneþ waf not a minwte rememberin' himfelf, an' fo owt wid him qwite an' aifþ, an' throwgh the kitchen; bwd in place iu the door iu the howfe, it'f what he kem to the door iu Father O'Flahertþ'f little room, where he waf ȝift wakenin' wid the noife iu the fcreechin' an' battherin'; an', bedad, Bill makef no more abowt it, bwt he ȝwmpf, wid one bowlt, cleuer an' clane into hif Rauerance'f bed.

"What do þe mane, þow wnciuilifed bliggard?" faþf hif Rauerance. "If that a uenerable waþ," faþf he, "to approach þowr clargþ?" faþf he.

"Howld þowr tongwe," faþf Bill, "an' I'll do þe no harwm," faþf he.

"Who are þow, þe fchowndhrel iu the world?" faþf hif Rauerance.

"Whifht!" faþf he, "I'm Bill Malowneþ," faþf he.

"Þow lie!" faþf hif Rauerance for he waf frightened beþont all bearin' an' he makef bwd one ȝwmp owt iu the bed at the wrong fide, where there waf onlþ ȝift a little place in the wall for a preß, an' hif Rauerance cowld not af mwch af twrn in it for the wealth iu kingdomf. "Þow lie," faþf he; "bwt for fear it'f the thrwth þow're tellin'," faþf he, "here'f at þe in the name iu all the bleßed faintf together!" faþf he.

An' wid that, mþ dear, he blazef awaþ at him wid a Latin praþer iu the ftrongeft defcription, an', af he faid to himfelf afterwardf, that waf iu a natwre that id dhriue the diuil himfelf wp the chimleþ like a pwff iu tobackþ fmoke, wid hif tail betwne hif legf.

"Arra, what are þe fthriuin' to faþ," faþf Bill, faþf he; "if þe don't howld þowr tongwe," faþf he, "wid þowr parlþ uoo," faþf he, "it'f what I'll pwt mþ thwmb on þowr windpipe," faþf he, "an' Billþ Malowneþ neuer wint back iu hif word þet," faþf he.

"Thwnder-an-ownf," faþf hif Rauerance, faþf he feein' the Latin took no infect on him, at all at all, an' fcreechin' that þow'd think he'd rife the thatch wp iu the howfe wid the fair fright "an' thwndher and blazef, boþf, will none of þef come here wid a candle, bwt laue þowr clargþ to be choked bþ a fpirit in the dark?" faþf he.

Well, be thif time the faruint boþf and the reft iu them wor wp an' half dreßed, an' in theþ all rwn, one on top iu another, wid pitchforkf and fpadef, thinkin' it waf onlþ what hif Rauerance flep' a dhrame iu the like, bþ meanf of the pwnch he waf afther takin' ȝwft afore he rowl'd himfelf into the bed. Bwt, begorra, whin theþ feen it waf ralþ Billþ Malowneþ himfelf that waf in it, it waf onlþ who'd be foremoft owt agin, twmblin' backwaþf, one ouer another, and hif Rauerance roarin' an' cwrfin' them like mad for not waitin' for him.

Well, mþ dear, it waf betther than half an howr afore Billþ Malowneþ cowld explain to them all how it ralþ waf himfelf, for begorra theþ were all iu them perfwadin' him that he waf a fpirit to that degree it'f a wondher he did not giue in to it, if it waf onlþ to pwt a ftop to the argiment.

Well, hif Rauerance towld the owld people then there waf no wfe in fthriuin' agin the will iu Prouidence an' the uagarief iu loue wnited; an' whin theþ kem to wndherftand to a fartintþ how Billþ had a fhillin' a daþ for the reft iu hif daþf, begorra theþ took rather a likin' to him, and confidhered at wanft how he mwft hau riz owt of all hif nanfinfe entirelþ, or Hif graciowf Maȝeftþ id neuer haue condefcinded to fhow him hif cowntenance euerþ daþ of hif life on a filuer fhillin'.

An' fo, begorra, theþ neuer ftopt till it waf all fettled an' there waf not fich a weddin' af that in the cownthrþ finft. It'f more than fortþ þearf ago, an' thowgh I waf no more nor a goßoon mefelf, I remimber it like þefterdaþ. Mollþ neuer luked fo pwrtþ before, an' Billþ Malowneþ waf plifant beþont all hearin', to that degree that half the girlf in it waf fairlþ tarin' mad onlþ theþ wowld not let on theþ had not him to themfeluef in place iu her. An' begorra, I'd be afeared to tell þe, becawfe þow wowld not belieue me, fince that bleßid man Father Mathew pwt an ent to all foortf of focialitþ, the Lord reward him, how manþ gallonf iu pottieen whifkþ waf dhrank wpon that moft folemn and tindher occaifon.

Pat Hanlon, the piper, had a fauer owt iu it; an' Neddþ Fhawn Heigwe, mowntin' hif horfe the wrong waþ, broke hif collar-bone, bþ the manef iu fallin' ouer hif tail while he waf feelin' for hif haid; an' Paþther Brian, the horfe-docther, I am towld, waf neuer qwite right in the haid euer afther; an' owld Tim Donouan waf fingin' the "Colleen Rwe" night and daþ for a fwll week; an', begorra the weddin' waf onlþ the fowndation iu fwn, and the beginning iu diuarfion, for there waf not a þear for ten þearf afther, an' more, bwt browght rownd a chriftenin' af regwlar af the fafinf reuarted.

Polychronicon. Our minds are constantly slicing perception, and joining its halves, whether explicitly or not, with the hyphen word "versus": Religion Versus Politics; Natural Versus Supernatural; Faith Versus Reason; Meaning Versus Fact; Now Versus Then; Ethical Present Versus Apocalyptic Future; Gospel Versus History; Fiction Versus Truth; Metaphorical Versus Metaphysical. Polychronicon.

Anon out of þe norþ est þe noys bigynes anon out of the north east the noise begins, when boþe breþes con blowe vpon blo watteres When both breezes did blow upon blue waters: Ro' rakkes þer ros with rudnyng an-vnder rough clouds there arose with lightning there under, Þe see sou'ed ful sore, gret selly to here the sea sobbed full sore, great marvel to hear; Þe wyndes on þe wonne water so wrastel togeder, the winds on the wan water so wrestle together, Þat þe wawes ful wode waltered so hi'e that the waves full wild rolled so high, and efte busched to þe abyme þat breed fyssches And again bent to the abyss that bred fishes; Durst nowhere for ro' arest at þe bothem. Durst it nowhere for roughness rest at the bottom. When þe breth and þe brok and þe bote metten when the breeze and the brook and the boat met, hit wat' a ioyles gyn þat Ionas wat' inne it was a joyless engine that he was in. For hit reled on round vpon þe ro e yþes. For it reeled around upon the rough waves Þe bur ber to hit baft þat braste alle her gere the bore (wave) bear to it abaft that burst all her gear, Þen hurled on a hepe þe helme and þe sterne then hurled on a heap the helm and the stern. Furste to murte mony rop and þe mast after first marred many a rope and the mast after Þe sayl sweyed on þe see, þenne suppe bihoued the sail swung on the sea, then sup behoved Þe coge of þe caulde water, and þenne þe cry ryses the boat of the cauld water, and then the cry rises; et coruen þay þe cordes and kest al þer-oute yet cut they the cords and cast all there-out. Mony ladde þer forth-lep to laue and to kest many a lad there forth leapt to lave and to cast, scopen out þe scaþel water, þat fayn scape waulde to scoop out the scathful water that fain escape would; For be monnes lode neuer so luþer, þe lyf is ay swete for be man's lot never so bad, the life is aye sweet.The world is assupwards now. Kissing dirt screwed screaming.

Melanie Audelay is a mean, foul-mouthed warrior sexpot so easy to fall for. Her brutal solutions and charismatic insanity ring true for anyone who has endured the day-today idiocy of life in general. Revel in her mayhem. Stop thinking too many thinks. A day bird a chittering tern a wandervogel slapped and jumped through hoops and brush and the cuckoo sings a low note in early spring, but when April is passed his voice grows clear and loud. Wild geese visit in Autumn and fly away northwards in the early spring. They are never alone, and their cries calling to each other make the solitary woomon feel loneliness more intensely. Having received a care package, I was always glad when it was finished, glad to fall back into the ranks.

Humility is a virtue, and it is a virtue innate in guests. Boys are all of them potential guests. It is only as they grow up that some of them harden into hosts. It is likely enough that if I, when I grew up, had been rich, my natural bent to guestship would have been diverted, and I too have become a (sort of) host. And perhaps I should have passed muster. I suppose I did pass muster whenever, in the course of my long residence in Plundoon, I did entertain friends. But the memory of those occasions is not dear to me—especially not the memory of those that were in the more distinguished restaurants.

" _I waf lþin' be the road, bein' on me waþ home an' tired wid the walkin'. A bright moon waf owt that night, an' I haird a noife like a million au fogerf, thrampin' on the road, fo I riz me an' luked, an' the waþ waf fwll au little men, the length o' me hand, wid grane coatf on, an' all in rowf like wan o' the ridgmintf; aitch wid a pike on hif fhowldher an' a fhield on hif arrwm. Wan waf in front, bewaþ he waf the ginral, walkin' wid hif chin wp af prowd af a paþcock. Jagerf, bwt I waf fkairt an' praþed fafther than iuer I did in me life, for it waf too cloft to me entirelþ theþ wor for comfort or conuaþnience aither. Bwt theþ all went bþ, forra the wan o' thim twrnin' hif haid to raþgard me at all, Glorþ be to God for that fame; fo theþ left me. Afther theþ were clane gone bþ, I had cwriofitþ for to fee phat theþ were afther, fo I follþ'd thim, a good bit aff, an' readþ to ȝwmp an' rwn like a hare at the lafte noife, for I waf afeared if theþ cawght me at it, theþ'd make a pig o' me at wanft or change me into a bafte complatelþ. Theþ marched into the field bechwxt the graueþard an' the rath, an' there waf another armþ there wid red coatf, from the graueþard, an' the two armief had the biggeft fight þe iuer feen, the granef agin the redf. Afther lukin' on a bit, I got axcited, for the granef were batin' the redf like blazef, an' I wp an' giue a whilloo an' called owt, 'At 'em agin! Don't laue wan o' the blaggardf!' An' wid that word, the fight left me eþef an' I remimber no more till mornin', an' there waf I, laþin' on the road where I feen thim, af fhtiff af a crwtch. It waf the cwteft fight aliue. There waf a place for thim to fhtand on, an' a wondherfwl big fiddle au the fize þe cwd flape in it, that waf plaþed be a monfthrowf frog, an' two little fiddlef, that two kittenf fiddled on, an' two big drwmf, baten be catf, an' two trwmpetf, plaþed be fat pigf. All rownd the faerief were dancin' like angelf, the fireflief giuin' thim light to fee bþ, an' the moonbamef fhinin' on the lake, for it waf be the fhore it waf, an' if þe don't belaue it, the glen'f ftill there, that theþ call the fairþ glen to thif bleßed daþ."_

Somewhere in the back of me brain, while I tried to lead the convarsation brightly, was always the haunting fear that I had not brought enough money wiv me in me pocket. I never let this fear master me. I never said to anyone Will ye' have a liqueur? Always What liqueur will ye' have? But I postponed as far as possible the evil moment of asking for the bill an' n'vr had a faver out iv it. When I had, in the proper casual tone (I hope and believe), at length asked for it, I wished always it were not brought to me faulded on a plate, as though the amount were so hideously high that I alone must be privy to it. As soon as it was laid beside me, I wanted to know the worst at wance. But I pretended to be so occupied in talk that I was unaware of the bill's presence; and I was careful to be always in the middle of a sentence when I raised the upper fauld and took my not (I hope) frozen glance. In point of fact, the amount was always much less than I had feared. Pessimism does win us great happy moments. Snow falls, and on all the branches plum flowers are in bloom, though it is not yet spring. He dropped his eyes and luked at his feet. Then he lifted his eyes again, and luked at her. She luked back at him, as from across a distance. So they watched each other, as strangers across a wide, abstract distance. He turned and luked down the dark yard, towards the gate where he could just see the pale grey tire of his bicycle, and the yellow mud-guard. He seemed to be reflecting. If he went now, he went forever. Involuntarily he turned and lifted his face again towards Ania, as if studying her curiously. She remained there on the doorstep, neutral, blanched, with wide, still, neutral eyes. She did not seem to see him. He studied her with alert, yellow-dusky, inscrutable eyes, until she met his luk. And then he gave the faintest gesture with his haid, as of summons towards him. Her soul started, and died in her. And again he gave the slight, almost imperceptible jerk of the haid, backwards and sideways, as if summoning her towards him. His face too was closed and expressionless. But in his eyes, which kept hers, there was a dark flicker of ascendancy. He was going to triumph over her. She knew it. And her soul sank as if it sank out of her body. It sank away out of her body, left her there powerless, shaking. And yet as he turned with his haid stretched forward to move away glancing slightly over his shoulder she stepped down from the step down to his level to follow him. He went ducking along the dark yard, nearly to the gate. Near the gate, near his bicycle was a corner made by a shed. Here he turned, lingeringly, to her, and she lingered in front of him.

Her eyes were wide and neutral and submissive with a new awful submission as if she had lost her soul. She luked up at him, like a victim. There was a faint smile in his eyes. He stretched forward over her grabbed her fiercely and began the assault.

On Road 703 brother Mola is soaking in a place where the other five found Gerhard drunk on The Sauce, a familial concoction made of ripe red lingonberries, cool Summerset morningflowers, bitterfoot tea leaves from Southern Australia, assorted spices starting with the letter P, bovine anesthetics, urethral stimulants, female generative juices, all double fermented to an inebriative horse-kick. It wasn't really morning, only dumb shit Broccoli said so, but it was at a time where the pink rim of moonlight's yesterevening transforms into a color somewhere between red and yellow, the closest they'd come to morning in many observations. The sky sparkled as with Christmas tree ornaments. Dueño's emergence and Gerhard's conversion to the worship of huge Ethno-Europeanist Organs was causing enough of a stir as it _was_ without the debilitating news of Ingot's brief tryst with homosexuality of the caprine kind. Sheer panic was contained within the terror of this heinous discovery. The brothers swarzled and mingled ceremoniously. Somewhat aroused by Armband's shout of Hey, luk whose underwear is stretched between two continents the brother in the hot springs jolted out into the quarry for a quizzical summation. They were all there, the entire lot of thespians, colonoscopics all, revealing short tales, dull jokes, rude incendiary bodily endowment noises; a raucous gathering of the dim witted awaiting only the slow footed. They all have the feeling that far too soon for his personally edifying comfort, Mola, being the only pedigreed veterinarian of the group, will encounter the task of reviving the je ne ses qua, Satchalaio, quiet and still, still and limpid by the enormous, reflecting pools of Ingot's rolling eyeballs, rocking capricious after his rear alley ski trip. Broccoli gazes motherly upon Satchalaio. Awww. Isn't he cute? He luks drugged...like everybody else's pet goat. Is he lying on a steel-studded toilet seat? Gerhard stares menacingly. Naw, ye' idiot. That would be too...too... _WEIRD_!! Arriving at the horrible scene, a scene too horrible to be imagined by one so pure of thought and vice as Broccoli, Mola thumbs back Satchalaio's eyelids. Hmm...Luks serious. Groping through the minefields of yesterday's lessons, a brief but nonetheless exemplary and meaningful time in his young veterinary tutelage, Mola flips through page after mentally devoid page of hand tooled notes, lusty correspondences from Miss Sparks —love of his tenderloins—searching for that one elusive chunk of information that will bring the ribald scene afore his battered eyes into dazzling focus. His keen, instinctual training is raising to the fore, humming at the edgeless canyons of clarity, bristling with synaptic motion, allowing him momentary respite in this, his most violent spasmodic episode of pain filled doubt. Trained as a tit-twisted monkey he _is_ , only he doesn't feel it just now. If only... The answer springs swift at hand. Let's go find Milred Sparks! She's fairly habituated to this kind of situation, being an inveterate ruminant lover. Perhaps she can proffer some kind and wise words of doctoral encouragement. The others luk away momentarily, as if just being tauld one of them would soon die of a macabre disease: The air hangs thick with discomfort. Armband, being the glutinous, non-muscular, washtub of lard and piss variety, etches his foot around the dirt, making a crisscross hieroglyphic illustration of the twelve stations of the rosy crucifixion, complete with psalmic interludes of transcendental salvation. Dueño, who has each foot propped upon the spiny backside of the unconscious goat, whirls around in the swirling dust to face the crowd. I don't know about ye' blokes. But I feel entirely and absolutely empty right now. Sort of like the way I felt when Gerhard, whom I love dearly despite what ANY of ye' might say, informed me of his conversion to Ethno-Europeanist Organ Worship, catching me not only off-guard, emotionally unprepared, and generally disfigured, but also in the middle of one of the many, nocturnally passionate evenings, I was then in the habit of sharing with our beloved Patrice. Remember her? The one who came so often I had to call in for backups? She's moved to Switzerland now...probably as a result of the numerous intrusions of _ye'_ five. Not that I can blame you. Remember the lubricious punani on that woomon?? Madonna mia!!! She was one fine hussy...But I digress. Listen. Ingot wants to feck a goat that's his business. But do we have to involve Mildred Sparks?? Do ye' realize what will happen when SHE finds out?? Madonna mia!! Momma will be soooo PISSED!!!" The trope of this perpetual journey, continuously wandering and witnessing the wonders and the horrors of the Arab World, is a salient feature in both of the modern arabesque poems exhibited in the Anteroom Bureau, a foul odored place in which brother number three (3), Gerhard, is using a foot file. His heels are split from the corners where they were forced straight and flushing into the communal toilet. Facilities in the room being somewhat crowded, the brothers Tangier are given to fighting for buttocks space among the porcelain palace, the Imperial Throne Room, as Broccoli prefers. The room is ventilated only by two small ducts, mallards, carved exquisitely from the finest second-hand marble, who spout peculiar macaronics in Algerian and Auld Latinate coinages. The brother Mola, lifts his hand to the ethereal presence of Hippocritics, known by all medicos to be fluttering naked in the breeze since medical science, or art, had begun, asking for supreme guidance. Meanwhile, someone in the filial circle has begun to reek of a noxious stench. Up to this point, everyone has avoided luking at that corner where Gerhard is carving away, the lot of them having advanced neuroses concerning the sanding away of bodily parts. Mola has otherwise put in motion his free hand and taken to feeling the throat of the functionally constipated goat. Of the all the things keeping them tolerably sane, he says, referring to the goats who frolic in the kingdom of Bladesy McGregor, sagacious Scotsman and sovereign of the goatherd legion, is the certain knowledge that man, in all his blatant carnality, has steadfastly avoided their stud bucks ad infinitum. It pains me to witness the transgression of that solemn...trust. Gerhard began coming out of his drug-induced foot therapy obsession and started hobbling around the room. His eyes rolled in his haid, sweat beaded on his brow, grimaces of pain dripped down the melting plastic of his face. Across the dusty windowpane, horses winnied in the distant coral. Speaking not in the gleefully isotropic English that has made for such good, clownish reproduction in the past, but in his native PidginItalian, he suddenly sounds serious and reflective as he ponders issues about his age, his health, and his dwindling pads of foot callous. Ye' know-a, there was a time-a, when I, Gerhardisimo, thought my-a footsies and-a me were...how-a ye' say?...INSEPERABLE? Only now I can-a clearly see, that for the near future, when-a I go-a pee, I will-a need to sit upon-a the toilet like a WOOMON!! Ayyy!!! Such a disgracea!!! Cut down in-a the PRIMO of my LIFE!! This kind of nonsense can go on for hours and years if it is allowed to spiral. And if Gerhard's case history ran true, this episode would take a few minutes to an hour, replete with psychotic ambulation, myriad tangential departures, dizzying disorientation, till only Gerhard would have any CLUE as to what he was saying. As for Dueño, the swarthy brunette lover of the group, he would rather be guzzling the milky, citrus juice, of glandular stimulation from some honey's vulvaic opening, waxing lyrical into the hollow between her velvety smooth junction at pudenda lane and juicy thigh boulevard, if the others would just SHUT UP!! and get on with the business of whatever business is at hand. Oh CHRIST!! Is that ye' farting that cloud of shit stink, Armband? Ye' fat blob of regurgitated dog chow!! Ye're DISGUSTING!!! The little champion of Slam Alley stumbled precipitately down the other side. His coat had been torn to shreds in a scuffle, and his hat was gone. He had bruises on twenty parts of his body, and blood was dripping from a cut in his haid. His wan features wore a luk of a tiny, insane demon. On the ground, children from Devil's Row closed in on their antagonist. He crooked his left arm defensively about his haid and fought with cursing fury. The little boys ran to and fro, dodging, hurling stoons and swearing in barbaric trebles. From a window of an apartment house that upreared its form from amid squat, ignorant stables, there leaned a curious woomon. Some laborers, unloading a scow at a dock at the river, paused for a moment and regarded the fight. The engineer of a passive tugboat hung lazily to a railing and watched. Over on the Island, a worm of yellow convicts came from the shadow of a building and crawled slowly along the river's bank. A stoon had smashed into Jimmie's mouth. Blood was bubbling over his chin and down upon his ragged shirt. Tears made furrows on his dirt-stained cheeks. His thin legs had begun to tremble and turn weak, causing his small body to reel. His roaring curses of the first part of the fight had changed to a blasphemous chatter. In the yells of the whirling mob of Devil's Row children there were notes of joy like songs of triumphant savagery. The little boys seemed to leer gloatingly at the blood upon the other child's face. Down the avenue came boastfully sauntering a lad of sixteen years, although the chronic sneer of an ideal manhood already sat upon his lips. His hat was tipped with an air of challenge over his eye. Between his teeth, a cigar stump was tilted at the angle of defiance. He walked with a certain swing of the shoulders which appalled the timid. He glanced over into the vacant lot in which the little raving boys from Devil's Row seethed about the shrieking and tearful child from Slam Alley. The girl, Anneliese, blossomed in a mud puddle. She grew to be a most rare and wonderful production of a tenement district, a pretty girl. None of the dirt of Slam Alley seemed to be in her veins. The philosophers up-stairs, down-stairs and on the same floor, puzzled over it. When a child, playing and fighting with gamins in the street, dirt disguised her. Attired in tatters and grime, she went unseen. There came a time, however, when the young men of the vicinity said: Dat Johnson goil is a puty good luker. About this period her brother remarked to her: Annie, I'll tell yeh dis! See? Yeh've edder got teh go teh hell or go teh work! Whereupon she went to work, having the feminine aversion of going to hell. By a chance, she got a position in an establishment where they made collars and cuffs. She received a stool and a machine in a room where sat twenty girls of various shades of yellow discontent. She perched on the stool and treadled at her machine all day, turning out collars, the name of whose brand could be noted for its irrelevancy to anything in connection with collars. At night she returned home to her mother. Jimmie grew large enough to fill out a bison skin and take the vague position of haid of the family. As incumbent of that office, he stumbled up-stairs late at night, as his father had done afore him. He reeled about the room, swearing at his relations, or went to sleep on the floor. The mother had gradually arisen to that degree of fame that she could bandy words with her acquaintances among the police-justices. Court-officials called her by her first name. When she appeared they pursued a course which had been theirs for months. They invariably grinned and cried out: Hello, Mary, ye' here again? Her grey haid wagged in many a court. She always besieged the bench with voluble excuses, explanations, apologies and prayers. Her flaming face and rolling eyes was a sort of familiar sight on the island. She measured time by means of sprees, and was eternally swollen and disheveled. One day the young man, Pete, who as a lad had smitten the Devil's Row urchin in the back of the haid and put to flight the antagonists of his friend, Jimmie, strutted upon the scene. He met Jimmie one day on the street, promised to take him to a boxing match in Williamsburg, and called for him in the evening. Anneliese observed Pete. He sat on a table in the Johnson home and dangled his checked legs with an enticing nonchalance. His hair was curled down over his forehaid in an oiled bang. His iconic pug nose seemed to revolt from contact with a bristling moustache of short, wire-like hairs. His blue double-breasted coat, edged with black braid, buttoned close to a red puff tie, and his patent-leather shoes luked like murder-fitted weapons. His mannerisms stamped him as a man who had a correct sense of his personal superiority. There was valor and contempt for circumstances in the glance of his eye. He waved his hands like a man of the world, who dismisses religion and philosophy, and says Fudge. He had certainly seen everything and with each curl of his lip, he declared that it amounted to nothing. Anneliese thought he must be a very elegant and graceful bartender. He was telling tales to Jimmie. Anneliese watched him furtively, with half-closed eyes, lit with a vague interest. Holy shit! Dey makes me tired, he said. Mos' e'ry day some farmer comes in an' tries teh run deh shop. See? But dey gits t'rowed right out! I jolt dem right out in deh street afore dey knows where dey is! See? Sure, said Jimmie. Dere was a mug come in deh ployce deh odder day wid an idear he wus goin' teh own deh ployce! Holy shit, he wus goin' teh own deh ployce! I see he had a still on an' I didn' wanna giv 'im no stuff, so I says: Git deh hell outa here an' don' make no trouble, I says like dat! See? Git deh hell outa here an' don' make no trouble; like dat. Git deh hell outa here, I says. See? Jimmie nodded understandingly. Over his features played an eager desire to state the amount of his valor in a similar crisis, but the narrator proceeded. Well, deh blokie he says: T'hell wid it! I ain' lukin' for no scrap, he says (See?), but he says, I'm spectable cit'zen an' I wanna drink an' purtydamnsoon, too. See? Deh hell, I says. Like dat! Deh hell, I says. See? Don' make no trouble, I says. Like dat. Don' make no trouble. See? Den deh mug he squared off an' said he was fine as silk wid his dukes (See?) an' he wanned a drink damnquick. Dat's what he said. See? Sure, repeated Jimmie. Pete continued. Say, I jes' jumped deh bar an' deh way I plunked dat blokie was great. See? Dat's right! In deh jaw! See? Holy shit, he t'rowed a spittoon true deh front windee. Say, I taut I'd drop dead. But deh boss, he comes in after an' he says, Pete, yehs done jes' right! Yeh've gota keep order an' it's all right. See? It's all right, he says. Dat's what he said. The two held a technical discussion. Dat bloke was a dandy, said Pete, in conclusion, but he hadn' oughta made no trouble. Dat's what I says teh dem: Don' come in here an' make no trouble, I says, like dat. Don' make no trouble. See? As Jimmie and his friend exchanged tales descriptive of their prowess, Anneliese leaned back in the shadow. Her eyes dwelt wonderingly and rather wistfully upon Pete's face. The broken furniture, grimey walls, and general disorder and dirt of her home of a sudden appeared afore her and began to take a potential aspect. Pete's aristocratic person luked as if it might soil. She luked keenly at him, occasionally, wondering if he was feeling contempt. But Pete seemed to be enveloped in reminiscence. Holy shit, said he, dose mugs can't phase me. Dey knows I kin wipe up deh street wid any t'ree of dem. When he said, Ah, what deh hell, his voice was burdened with disdain for the inevitable and contempt for anything that fate might compel him to endure. Anneliese perceived that here was the beau ideal of a man. Her dim thoughts were often searching for faraway lands where, as God says, the little hills sing together in the morning. Under the trees of her dream-gardens there had always walked a lover. Pete took note of Anneliese. Say, Annie, I'm stuck on yer shape. It's outa sight, he said, parenthetically, with an affable grin. As he became aware that she was listening closely, he grew still more eloquent in his descriptions of various happenings in his career. It appeared that he was invincible in fights. Why, he said, referring to a man with whom he had had a misunderstanding, dat mug scrapped like a damn dago. Dat's right. He was dead easy. See? He tau't he was a scrapper. But he foun' out diff'ent! Holy shit. He walked to and fro in the small room, which seemed then to grow even smaller and unfit to hauld his dignity, the attribute of a supreme warrior. That swing of the shoulders that had frozen the timid when he was but a lad had increased with his growth and education at the ratio of ten to one. It combined with the sneer upon his mouth, tauld mankind that there was nothing in space which could appall him. Anneliese marveled at him and surrounded him with greatness. She vaguely tried to calculate the altitude of the pinnacle from which he must have luked down upon her. I met a chump deh odder day way up in deh city, he said. I was goin' teh see a frien' of mine. When I was a-crossin' deh street deh chump runned plump inteh me, an' den he turns aroun' an' says, Yer insolen' ruffin, he says, like dat. Oh, shit, I says, oh, shit, go teh hell and git off deh eart', I says, like dat. See? Go teh hell an' git off deh eart', like dat. Den deh blokie he got wild. He says I was a contempt'ble scoun'el, er somet'ing like dat, an' he says I was doom' teh everlastin' pe'dition an' all like dat. Shit, I says, shit! Deh hell I am, I says. Deh hell I am, like dat. An' den I slugged 'im. See? With Jimmie in his company, Pete departed in a sort of a blaze of glory from the Johnson home. Anneliese, leaning from the window, watched him as he walked down the street. Here was a formidable man who disdained the strength of a world full of fists. Here was one who had contempt for brass-clothed power; one whose knuckles could defiantly ring against the granite of law. He was a knight. The two men went from under the glimmering street-lamp and passed into shadows. Turning, Anneliese contemplated the dark, dust-stained walls, and the scant and crude furniture of her home. A clock, in a splintered and battered oblong box of varnished wood, she suddenly regarded as an abomination. She noted that it ticked raspingly. The almost vanished flowers in the carpet-pattern, she conceived to be newly hideous. Some faint attempts she had made with blue ribbon, to freshen the appearance of a dingy curtain, she now saw to be piteous. She wondered what Pete dined on. She reflected upon the collar and cuff factory. It began to appear to her mind as a dreary ployce of endless grinding. Pete's elegant occupation brought him, no doubt, into contact with people who had money and manners. It was probable that he had a large acquaintance of pretty girls. He must have great sums of money to spend. To her the earth was composed of hardships and insults. She felt instant admiration for a man who openly defied it. She thought that if the grim angel of death should clutch his heart, Pete would shrug his shoulders and say: Oh, ev'ryt'ing goes. She anticipated that he would come again shortly. She spent some of her week's pay in the purchase of flowered cretonne for a lambrequin. She made it with infinite care and hung it to the slightly-careening mantel, over the stove, in the kitchen. She studied it with painful anxiety from different points in the room. She wanted it to luk well on Sunday night when, perhaps, Jimmie's friend would come. On Sunday night, however, Pete did not appear. Afterward the girl luked at it with a sense of humiliation. She was now convinced that Pete was superior to admiration for lambrequins. A few evenings later Pete entered with fascinating innovations in his apparel. As she had seen him twice and he had different suits on each time, Anneliese had a dim impression that his wardrobe was prodigiously extensive. Say, Anne, he said, put on yer bes' duds Friday night an' I'll take yehs teh deh show. See? He spent a few moments in flourishing his clothes and then vanished, without having glanced at the lambrequin. Over the eternal collars and cuffs in the factory Anneliese spent the most of three days in making imaginary sketches of Pete and his daily environment. She imagined some half dozen wimmin in love with him and thought he must lean dangerously toward an indefinite one, whom she pictured with great charms of person, but with an altogether contemptible disposition. She thought he must live in a blare of pleasure. He had friends, and people who were afraid of him. She saw the gaulden glitter of the ployce where Pete was to take her. An entertainment of many hues and many melodies where she was afraid she might appear small and mouse-colored. Her mother drank whiskey all Friday morning. With lurid face and tossing hair she cursed and destroyed furniture all Friday afternoon. When Anneliese came home at half-past six her mother lay asleep amidst the wreck of chairs and a table. Fragments of various househauld utensils were scattered about the floor. She had vented some phase of drunken fury upon the lambrequin. It lay in a bedraggled heap in the corner. Hah, she snorted, sitting up suddenly, where deh hell yeh been? Why deh hell don' yeh come home earlier? Been loafin' 'round deh streets. Yer gettin' teh be a reg'lar devil. When Pete arrived Anneliese, in a worn black dress, was waiting for him in the midst of a floor strewn with wreckage. The curtain at the window had been pulled by a heavy hand and hung by one tack, dangling to and fro in the draft through the cracks at the sash. The knots of blue ribbons appeared like violated flowers. The fire in the stove had gone out. The disployced lids and open doors showed heaps of sullen grey ashes. The remnants of a meal, ghastly, like dead flesh, lay in a corner. Anneliese's mother stretched on the floor blasphemed and gave her daughter a bad name.

An orchestra of yellow silk wimmin and bald-haided men on an elevated stage near the centre of a great green-hued hall, played a popular waltz. The ployce was crowded with people grouped about little tables. A battalion of waiters slid among the throng, carrying trays of beer glasses and making change from the inexhaustible vaults of their trousers pockets. Little boys, in the costumes of French chefs, paraded up and down the irregular aisles vending fancy cakes. There was a low rumble of conversation and a subdued clinking of glasses. Clouds of marijuana smoke rolled and wavered high in air about the dull gilt of the chandeliers. The vast crowd had an air throughout of having just quitted labor. Men with calloused hands and attired in garments that showed the wear of an endless trudge for a living, smoked their pipes contentedly and spent five, ten, or perhaps fifteen cents for beer. There was a mere sprinkling of kid-gloved men who smoked cigars purchased elsewhere. The great body of the crowd was composed of people who showed that all day they strove with their hands. Quiet Germans, with maybe their wives and two or three children, sat listening to the music, with the expressions of happy cows. An occasional party of sailors from a war-ship, their faces pictures of sturdy health, spent the earlier hours of the evening at the small round tables. Very infrequent tipsy men, swollen with the value of their opinions, engaged their companions in earnest and confidential conversation. In the balcony, and here and there below, shone the impassive faces of wimmin. The nationalities of the Bowery beamed upon the stage from all directions. Pete aggressively walked up a side aisle and took seats with Anneliese at a table beneath the balcony. Two beehs! Leaning back he regarded with eyes of superiority the scene afore them. This attitude affected Anneliese strongly. A man who could regard such a sight with indifference must be accustomed to very great things. It was obvious that Pete had been to this ployce many times before, and was very familiar with it. A knowledge of this fact made Anneliese feel little and new. He was extremely gracious and attentive. He displayed the consideration of a cultured gentleman who knew what was due. Say, what deh hell? Bring deh lady a big glass! What deh hell use is dat pony? Don't be fresh, now, said the waiter, with some warmth, as he departed. Ah, git off deh eart', said Pete, after the other's retreating form. Anneliese perceived that Pete brought forth all his elegance and all his knowledge of high-class customs for her benefit. Her heart warmed as she reflected upon his condescension. The orchestra of yellow silk wimmin and bald-haided men gave vent to a few bars of anticipatory music and a girl, in a pink dress with short skirts, galloped upon the stage. She smiled upon the throng as if in acknowledgment of a warm welcome, and began to walk to and fro, making profuse gesticulations and singing, in brazen soprano tones, a song, the words of which were inaudible. When she broke into the swift rattling measures of a chorus some half-tipsy men near the stage joined in the rollicking refrain and glasses were pounded rhythmically upon the tables. People leaned forward to watch her and to try to catch the words of the song. When she vanished there were long rollings of applause. Obedient to more anticipatory bars, she reappeared amidst the half-suppressed cheering of the tipsy men. The orchestra plunged into dance music and the laces of the dancer fluttered and flew in the glare of gas jets. She divulged the fact that she was attired in some half dozen skirts. It was patent that anyone of them would have proved adequate for the purpose for which skirts are intended. An occasional man bent forward, intent upon the pink stockings. Anneliese wondered at the splendor of the costume and lost herself in calculations of the cost of the silks and laces. The dancer's smile of stereotyped enthusiasm was turned for ten minutes upon the faces of her audience. In the finale she fell into some of those grotesque attitudes which were at the time popular among the dancers in the theatres up-town, giving to the Bowery public the fantasies of the aristocratic theatre-going public, at reduced rates. Say, Pete, said Anneliese, leaning forward, dis is great. Sure, said Pete, with proper complacence. A ventriloquist followed the dancer. He held two fantastic dolls on his knees. He made them sing mournful ditties and say funny things about geography and Ireland. Do dose little men talk? asked Anneliese. Naw, said Pete, it's some damn fake. See? Two girls, on the bills as sisters, came forth and sang a duet that is haird occasionally at concerts given under church auspices. They supplemented it with a dance which of course can never be seen at concerts given under church auspices. After the duettists had retired, a woomon of debatable age sang an African melody. The chorus necessitated some grotesque waddlings supposed to be an imitation of a plantation darkey, under the influence, probably, of music and the moon. The audience was just enthusiastic enough over it to have her return and sing a sorrowful lay, whose lines tauld of a mother's love and a sweetheart who waited and a young man who was lost at sea under the most harrowing circumstances. From the faces of a score or so in the crowd, the self-contained luk faded. Many haids were bent forward with eagerness and sympathy. As the last distressing sentiment of the piece was brought forth, it was greeted by that kind of applause which rings as sincere. As a final effort, the singer rendered some verses which described a vision of Britain being annihilated by America, and Ireland bursting her bonds. A carefully prepared crisis was reached in the last line of the last verse, where the singer threw out her arms and cried, The Star-Spangled Banner. Instantly a great cheer swelled from the throats of the assemblage of the masses. There was a heavy rumble of booted feet thumping the floor. Eyes gleamed with sudden fire, and calloused hands waved frantically in the air. After a few moments rest, the orchestra played crashingly, and a small fat man burst out upon the stage. He began to roar a song and stamp back and forth afore the foot-lights, wildly waving a glossy silk hat and throwing leers, or smiles, broadcast. He made his face into fantastic grimaces until he luked like a pictured devil on a Japanese kite. The crowd laughed gleefully. His short, fat legs were never still a moment. He shouted and roared and bobbed his shock of red wig until the audience broke out in excited applause. Pete did not pay much attention to the progress of events upon the stage. He was drinking beer and watching Anneliese. Her cheeks were blushing with excitement and her eyes were glistening. She drew deep breaths of pleasure. No thoughts of the atmosphere of the collar and cuff factory came to her. When the orchestra crashed finally, they jostled their way to the sidewalk with the crowd. Pete took Anneliese's arm and pushed a way for her, offering to fight with a man or two. They reached Anneliese's home at a late hour and stood for a moment in front of the gruesome doorway. Say, Annie, said Pete, give us a kiss for takin' yeh teh deh show, will yer? Anneliese laughed, as if startled, and drew away from him. Naw, Pete, she said, dat wasn't in it. This neither, raising her skirt and showing him her panty enclosed gates of paradise. Ah, what deh hell? urged Pete. Anneliese retreated nervously. She darted into the hall and up the stairs and turned and smiled at him. She thrust her backside out and threw him the moon, then disappeared. Pete walked slowly down the street. He had something of an astonished expression upon his features. He paused under a lamp-post and breathed a low breath of surprise. Gawd, he said, I wonner if I been played fer a duffer. Or one lucky sonofabitchslap.

Vanilla. Chocolate. Stop. I don't know. Challenge. Insist. What do I. Do. Have nothing. To. Say. Don't know. And I. Begin with a stutter. And a limp. Arms don't work right. Legs stumble. Sometimes. Falling apart at. The microbe level. Sex is my medication. Annie I will get that sweet clam a yers. I will. I will. I will... He entered the arena in full anticipation of the forthcoming battle. He had spent many long moments waiting and now it had arrived: everything was perfect. The tool of destruction was chosen for its singular characteristics and now, viewing it in the hot sunlight, it seemed to take on a life of its own. Full, wide grip handle, razor-sharp dual edged ratcheting blades gleaming in the sunlight giving the impression of a perfidious sneer. Man and machine were one, communication at a level beyond visceral sensation. Perhaps all of his brief existence had built toward this juncture. If destiny intended to be recompensed, he was more than willing to oblige. He now turned his gaze to the object of his desire the haidge: looming now larger and more magnificent than he could ever recollect, fluttering in the gentle autumn breeze; beckoning, taunting, whispering sweet aspersions to his courage, his manhood. He craved, he lusted, he bristled: the time had come. He gripped the handle firmly in his left hand while with his right grabbed hauld of the crank cable. And in what seemed like a frozen moment of time, he pulled back on the crank in one long, slow, sensual arc. The beast rumbled, roared, billowed smoke, encircling him a cloud of fury. He inhaled long, measured breaths; the scent of burning gasoline excited him. The sheer power of the machine transferred to his hands, up his arms, through his body, flesh, and entire being. The symbiosis was complete. He dove into the fray like a man possessed, arms swinging in wide arcs, slicing and shredding the monstrous haidge. Twisted limbs, leaves, sap and spittle escaping from the center point of the maelstrom in random trajectories created a swirling Helix of activity; and at its center, the congruent man-machine flailing violently. An almost surreal pall was cast over the entire scene, creating an impression of multi-colored lights, sparks, and living entities hurtling outward from the central point of the commotion Then just as suddenly as it had begun, the battle abruptly ended. He stood silent, haidger spent and hanging at his side, viewing and admiring his handiwork. The Michelangelo of haidge trimmers had arrived. And seeing him in the now fading daylight, silhouetted against the reddening sky, reminded one of a conquistador, fresh from battle, proud, glory-quest fulfilled, honor upheld, waiting in readiness to avenge the next affront to the honor of his beloved queen Slitherin beelzebubjuice in a stoonwallers relegate, times is morring and shaping to extents of sacrilegious repute. Tis whet tis hungry tis out about the moonglades bring her to a boil and turn her soundly stuffing the tripe in orifactures and orificuses. No shams a wailing no Shimkus a sailing.

Rest tired eyes a while

Sweet is thy baby's smile,

Angels are guarding

And they watch o'er thee.

Sleep, sleep, grah mo chree

Here on yer mamma's knee,

Angels are guarding

And they watch o'er thee,

The birdeens sing a fluting song

They sing to thee the whole day long,

Wee faeries dance o'er hill and the dale

For very love of thee.

Long ago I was a king

Now I do this kind of thing

On the wing, on the wing!

Bing!

Pretty pretty pretty pretty

Pretty pretty petals.

I entered the barn from the brickyard side just as Molly was going up the ladder showing her legs innocently enough what pretty legs I cried the girl scuffled up as hard as she could to get out of sight I after her she was chasing some chickens and was as red as a turkey cock in the face I caught hauld of her and kissed her she resisted I put my hand up her clothes and in the struggle we both rolled onto a heap of loose hay I had felt the flesh of her thighs leave off said she or I'll call mother her mother was then ill in the farm-house don't be a fool said I attempting it again don't ye' do such things sir I'll call mother it's wrong of ye' If ye' do said I brutally I'll tell yer mother Giles plucked ye' in the field last week never shall I forget the luk of the poor girl's face oh oh said she breathless ye' didn't it's a story oh now pray oh it's a shocking story I warn't in the field don't oh! it hurts said I repeating other words which had been wandering through my brain ever since I haird them I haird ye' and the man say that she began to cry putting her haid in her hands let me do it and I won't tell no one will know and ye' won't tell Giles that's certain she ceased crying and fixed her eyes on me wildly I got my hand up her clothes her thighs were closed she kept pushing me away nononono forgetting where I was or that anyone might come up the ladder I had mytodger out and with a struggle got my hand on her papaya ye' won't tell really now? not if ye' let me a little more scuffling and I had her down she was quiet and I was plucking her sweet fruit basket with all the delight and energy which a fresh woomon gives a man when I haird Molly shouted out with a violent start she uncoombed me and I náo over her mound where are ye' such a long time Molly there is a hen up here said Molly who had started up and I think she has laid but can't find the egg and Molly disappeared down the ladder how unpleased mother would have been had she known the condition of Molly's mound nothing is so irritating as náoing outside a long coveted papaya when another thrust or two would have left the juice up it is maddening I could think of nothing but the girl although I had barely felt and had seen nothing of her charms she seemed to me perfection for a day or two I got no chance so I wrote on a bit of paper ye' will get into a mess unless ye' meet me tonight I'll be in the barn at eight o'clock come in through the wicket-or something to that effect It was intended to frighten her for she avoided me I pushed the note into her hands at the Hall I walked through the farm-yard afterwards and saw her; she shook her haid as I passed ye' had better In the evening I hid myself in the loft allowed the barn doors to be closed and should have had to stay all night there if someone had not undone one of the wickets they fastened them outside I had been there a long time it was dark I am in here till tomorrow morning I thought and walked up and down barely restraining myself from frigging such was my state of lust It was possible that circumstances might prevent her from coming and I had given up hope when the wicket opened it was she she came up into the loft I caught her in my arms what do ye' want ye' ain't a going to tell ye' ain't haird anybody say anything said she I could not see but felt her tears reassured her tauld her I loved her who would know but us two I had pushed her on to some hay I was feeling her my hand was roving over a plump little ass and belly my finger entered a tight little split above which was a little wisp of hair mytodger followed my finger and on the new sweet hay belly to belly mytodger reveled in a papaya which seemed divine and was soon drowned in a pond of its own making mother's better and has gone down the lane if she comes back she will wonder where I am-let me go I would not until I had enjoyed her again; and then the lass enjoyed me she unclosed the wicket in the rick-yard which let me out I got across a field into the lane went past the farm gates and there stood Molly with her mother good night said I to the mother then went round and up to the Hall I thought that having plucked Molly I should be contented but the tiny papaya the sparse hair the small ass made me want Molly again.

Days will quickly steep themselves in nights,

Nights will quickly dream away the time,

And then the Moon, like to a silver bow,

Now bent in heaven, shall behauld the night

Of our passions

Then Janie says, Ye' give her too much. The little girl. My little girl, Kayla. Now it is winter. When Kayla wakes up she is cauld. She does not want cereal. Cauld cereal. Cauld bowl. Cauld milk. All cauld for breakfast. I'm cauld, she says, snuggling tight in her blanket. So cauld. Is there something else to eat? She says this to me as I pour the cauld cereal into the cauld bowl with the cauld milk. I luk at her. Her beautiful smiling face. Her beautiful large eyes. So large. So warm. So childlike. So angelic. I cannot say no. Okay honey, I say. What would ye' like? Maybe oatmeal? She thinks. Smiles. No, can I have some eggs. She loves eggs. I know this. Because she loves eggs I'll make them for her. Janie says I give her too much. When the little girl asks for something else after she has been served, momma says no. Momma says no. Momma says no. Momma says no. Ye're whipped, Janie tells me. What does that supposed to mean? It seems to Kayla that momma says no a lot. Sometimes Kayla tells me, momma says no all the time. I know this can't be true. Nobody does something all the time. We're not machines. We're humans. Not as human as baboons, but we are humans. Does momma really do this all the time? I ask. Kayla nods her haid, her big eyes luking wet, her big eyes luking like the sorrows of the world are speaking to me. I cannot say no. Yes, I say. Momma says no all the time. Something has changed. At one time, Janie and I used to agree on everything. On most things. But somewhere along the way, a white gulf of philosophical disagreement has occurred. I sometimes step over the edge and trip into the gulf. Janie tripped into the white gulf long ago. Sometimes she calls to me. Mitch, help, help, help me, she says. I reach for her, sometimes using heavy machinery. When the heavy machinery is available, I'll use it. Unless I've been drinking. Then I cannot use heavy machinery maybe for one week to 10 days. But this time no heavy machinery is needed. I fell a tree and use the trunk to reach across the gulf. Janie grabs onto the branches and I pull her across. What happened, she says. Ye' fell in, I say. I knew something happened, she says. Something always happens, I say. Nothing happens all the time. Yes, some things do happen all the time. We speak no more words about something happening. We have reached an impasse.

We need to lose weight. I need to lose weight. Ye' can lose up to five pounds a week. Is life getting ye' down? Been depressed for more than two weeks? This little yellow pillow pill will help so. I like this one better though. It's less filling. Tastes better. Less filling. Tastes better. Ye' can't beat our meat. Yer dreams begin here. Nothing sucks like Electrolux. Where do ye' want to go today? Engineered for Life. We bring good things to life. What is the sound of one hand clapping? Why pay more for better service? Buy this item or the Puppy gets it! It seems the problem is beliefs. We do not have our own beliefs. The modern person does not have beliefs of their own making, says the suave, good-luking woomon on TV. They originate in corporate ad-campaign boardrooms and political think tanks. She sounds sincere and persuasive so I believe her. When we gain the wisdom to realize that the truth is all that is REAL, then adopting truth as our personal standard is made easy. Now we are focusing on truth. In college I learned that truth is relative. No absolute truth. But the suave, good-luking woomon on TV says that the truth, the one and only truth, is REAL, and is that way whether ye' believe it or not! I thought I was real. I think I have been mistaken.

The first day of school is the last day of innocence.

November, pixie so she be, brings the woodcock, the noble among our winter visitors. To see one in a winter's walk makes the walk memorable; we speak foreverlong afterwards of the day we saw that woodcock. Upon a change of the wind to the east, about Allhallows-tide, they will seem to have come all of a night; the former day none to be found, the next morning they are in every bush. This was five hundred years ago, and woodcocks are not now to be found in every bush, or ribbishbin even though the wind as it often is be east, about Allhallows-tide. Yet that they seem to have come all of a night is fact as woodcocks migrate by night. And guns out one day in October that have not flushed a single cock will the next day make a bag. At one time the woodcock was so common that weather forecasts were made from its habits, the woodcock's early visit and abode, of long continuance in our temp'rate clime, foretell a lib'ral harvest. Earlier still, it was another name for a fool, and in Elizabethan authors this synonym for a stupid person occurs with other bird-nicknames with tedious frequency—gull, rook, cormorant—and they are to be collected by the score without difficulty showing how colloquial in Shakespeare's day was the general familiarity with birds and their supposed characteristics. When smoking was introduced into the country, one of the first names for the pipe was "the woodcock's haid," the stem being the beak. Children were made to watch adult relatives during drug-fueled orgies. The bird has become a synonym for a witless person because it comes and goes on the same tracks to and from its feeding-grounds, and thus tells the trapsetter where to ployce his snares with deadliest effect. Society everywhere is in conspiracy against the manhood of every one of its members. Whereas a man may in fact prefer unkempt fierce and beautiful wimmin, society demands he seek elsewhere, selecting instead a woomon more along the lines of steady, matronly and plainly pretty at most. Good luks, great brain: an irresistible mixture. Pretty, bright, young things have luck on their side. Doors open wide, the job offers come flooding in. Relationships are a minefield of opportunities. Even beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of introduction. Yet the best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched; they must be felt with the heart.

Molly's hair is light brown and the color of a sunbeam passing through my bedroom window in the morning, hair that attracttts light and glistens as the light wind moves it, hair so long it reaches the middle of her lower back, bury yerself beneath it to hide from everything and become part of her world, face so bright and flawless it attracttts everyone's attention, cheekbones and nose structured so perfect ye' can easily...see...her...gentleness...and...softness, face so proportioned and lit up ye' would think she is royalty, body so little and fit ye' might think she's a model. She takes care of herself like no other.

In Dublin's fair city,

Where the girls are so pretty,

I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone,

As she wheel'd her wheel barrow,

Thro' streets broad and narrow,

Crying, Cockles and Mussels alive, alive-O!

As everybody's knowing

You've got a decent tongue whene'er it's set agoing

Cockles and Mussels alive, alive-O!

Dogs hound and chase capture pounce and pluck ferociously the unawares lovelorn lass bent and teary eyed so consterned wit things that are violatedripping wance again tears dry legs give way to rubbery penisteration. Suspecated infecturated the point of replexication had arrived on the stanscher of the tollywaggens for tripled and qudrupedded they were twas a shame a sham a rude pack o girls with jam tarts stuft up their pockets. Thus it be conjectured the pontifucs have landed on shorebanks properitus handsfull commodious recticus. Insemnuation begat of pockets, ( _p'ooc'tiffets limus_ ) from pockets issue legion impedulites be tréwarned. Enteruptimus ThreeBels McGee, the Mosaic Artist, the Architect, the Bricoleur, the Engineer. The Throstle with his note so true. The Mavis mild and mellow. The application of abatement methods, a ratio of about one water closet forevery fifteen people, shall be the time average of the frequency over a period not to exceed one second. She lovingly watched the fishlike motions of the toothless mouth and she imagined that with her milk there flowed into her little son her deepest thoughts, concepts, and dreams. Molly had a hiccup attack and spent the night hiccingitup. Microorganisms digest organic materials as a normal metabolic process, degrade the substrate, reduce the surface tension and increase moisture penetration. Penitration penetration penituation. Enzymes and organic acids, produced during metabolism, diffuse out of the cells and onto the substrahatems and cause metal corrosion, glass etching, flesh melting and other physical and chemical changes to the substrahatems. The physical presence of microorganisms produces living bridges across society that may result in electrocutions. The physical presence of fungi cause health problems and produce aesthetically unpleasant situations in which users will reject using odor repellants. Example of nonresistant susceptibility and bouncing jumping snaring plowing legs up kicking sabots high and loud to screaming gullets aking to pullets sabots wrenched free tootsietoes wiggling pigs awry and scattering squealylike referred to as total harmonic distortion oh no, oh no, said she, oh no, no, no, stop no stop not no stopping now ye ruint holy Mary sweet o wance she's open yawing. Lick it stick it leave afore ye' get a ticket. Eels scurry single file straightways to homey homes warm tickle sweet slick of wondercaves of oh, oh, oh. Total harmonic distorkshun. Enterontomus Catherinedeleanstephanelucas of efonius atrinchins. Ondaway ondaway stuck in a twuck of a pluck plunge eponymous plucking stephanelucas.

Helen, Lucretia and Cleopatra in auld age. Helen's nose drips, Lucretia has dangling dugs and orange-peel teeth, and Cleopatra has become jowelly with two tiny breasts like amaretti poking out of her staid, matronly garb.

Rome would not have suffered the scourge of Tarquin

Nor Egypt buried Anthony and his empire

Nor Priam watched the flames reduce Troy to ashes

If, in yer youth, ye' had such ugly mugs.

Luk on a goddess' face and dreadful things happen to you; ye' are turned to stoon, torn to pieces by hunting hounds, or worse. Helen on the hunt, nurghy, hynro, payapa ppigdrin.

Lying on Paris with her whole body, Helen opens her legs, presses him with her mouth and robs him of his zaad. And as his ardor abates the purple bedlinen that was privy to their sins bears witness to his unseen dew. Sucking in breath with horror ohhh isn't that terrible...do tell me more. Helen wails I wish I had been a samenerguss painting wiped clean like and made plain instead of beautiful. Let the faying continue. This is not complimated, sayeth the grand complimator, xenia, xenos, theos, dear nutrio novus, quod singularis somnium. Сперма.

Purpose and design are a part of and are apparent in nature vis a vis the Skye boat song and Mingulay boat song we're waltzing Matilda. No cars, no supermarkets and we want to buy some cockles and mussels for a little treat at the weekend but we have no money.

Tramps and hawkers and wild mountain thyme,

Bonnie Charlie the shearings no for ye',

Pat Reilly barrats privateers and Galway Shawl alone will do,

For Melissa no malarkey on a borer we go,

Tunneling and drilling oh hidey high ho.

She is smiling and happy because the heavy rains driven by the cauld wind have made it a long and very wet day. If we buy from her she can buy food for a meal and fuel to heat her small room. She goes home with enough for fuel to fight the cauld but no food. Oh but ye got some sweet bits happy girl lo would we be happy to share and share alike for the price of but few cockles never mind we replace them with our own for yer sustenance. Och! I'll roar and I'll groan, my sweet Molly Malone, till I'm bone of yer bone, and asleep in yer bed. Many days are like this and the poor dear's immune system is low and she takes ill. Along the street other wheelbarrow sellers are trying to sell their wares to many wealthy people who know not hunger and do not want to buy. Oh says the smart man of smarty hill no problem cannot be solved if we feed the children to the wretched hungry grovelors.

My love had a fever and no one could save her,

And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone,

But her ghost wheels her barrow

Through the streets broad and narrow

Crying, "Cockles and Mussels alive, alive-O!

Like fish out of water, she lacks the oxygen of publicity and popularity and public consumption that allowed her to live in the first ployce. She committed suicide by jumping from the H on the Hollywood sign. After that her name became a househauld word. Wimmin of all ages do naughty dares, naked bets, nude challenges, pure nomore, poetry and papaya a gift from the gods. Siobhán Marie Dropdrawers, heliotropic flowers, the bloodstoon, gestural articulation, theory of speech, Macpherson's rant, through a glass darkly. Metaphors of journeyover a rough, dark terrain. Her sweet hogghind slambanged for the very first time, innocent virgin screams, plucked like an animal, cute face basted with zaad. Surprise and jouissance presuppounding. E tekhne mimeitai ten physin. Zinkag tr a stil a boma alid kee iw aaa ba iilladd alllll. His stepdaughter became the mother of one of his children. That's okay, he said, she ain't mine so it's just like any other wooman having my kid. Along came the caterpillar blowing smoke rings aromatic. The rings of warm smoke lifted fairy to find the ladder. Stoond on his smoke...she was well and truly bladdered, aaa ba iilladd alllll. Her haid it began to spin. Must have been what she last snorted. Her haid released, was flying free. Up her skirts flew fractured grains of sand. On her knees she received full epiphany. Such things happen when grrls are tekken. The robin and the wren are God Almighty's cock and hen. A girl most commodious exquisicus. The spaniel ran to her service door, sniffing eagerly. A muffled sound of voices became audible, and the dog ran out, yapping in his irritating staccato fashion. A tall juicy girl of commendable peaches, legs of sufficient length to entrap and crush, stood in the hallway. She wore soiled Burberry, high-legged tan boots and a peaked cap of distinctly military appearance, the maid of the masque. The girl glanced up and saw him where he stood. He summoned up a smile and advanced. But no change was possible to her. Neither would the mountains crush her, nor the earth take her in. This was her burden, and she must, etc., etc. Such things happen when grrls are tekken. On her knees she received her full epiphany. The unrestful well-organized and minatory sea had been advancing quickly. It was not very far now from the cottage. A wet burbling sound. She gazed away from the large-ish castle that was just reaching...a...little...then...quickly...much...fluid swirled into...

Fragmentary, pale, momentary; almost nothing; glimpsed and gone; a faint human hand thrust up, never to reappear, from beneath the rolling waters of Time. He forever haunts her memory and solicits her imagination. A lonely ployce in a densely-populated country. The gatekeeper is blind, and his flute sounds doleful and strange, and the leaves are falling. The private road is short and stony and is wedged between an enormous holly haidge and a stiff timber paling. But overhaid the great branches fight upwards through a tortuous growth to the sky, and, as ye' advance, the ployce continues to puzzle ye' with its medley of curious and contradictory aspects. For as ye' approach the second gate, which is iron, yer thought of rural things is rudely snuffed by sight of what seems a Plundoon mews. This very urban feature presented by the high brick wall which runs parallel with the stables. And this, as ye' pass round to the front of the house, is hidden in the clothing foliage of a line of evergreen oaks. Continuing along the lawn, the trees bend about the house, a wash of yellow, a few sharp Italian lines and angles. And above ye' the wings of the blown rooks on the sullen sky. Regressive behaviors like thumbsucking, imaginary friends or bedwetting, represent serious problems or mentalblocks. Christsakeamen waiting for the endtocome. The tongue moves up and down, the lips form a tight closure around the nipple. Ce serait drole que je fasse un petit roman mondain. Aa. The letter originally served as a suon in the Phoenician language such as a t or p in the middle of a word such as button. Some linguists believe the Aleph was ployced at the beginning of the Phoenician alphabet to honor the ox, in the middle of a word, o˴ax, important for its muscle power and as a food source chasing the glottal stop. Phill the ooad sot's whole, e new what e wanted whereitwas what was what with whosoever when and e damn tootintitty war'nt going nowhere without his precious nipple. An undulant woomon of undy locks. And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground. El Negro slammed into the grim coastal wetlands. The sweet shrubfree smoothlands pounded by foreign invadapoles. Much screaming and groaning. Death, resurrection, sin, redemption, craftsman, inventor, artist, much ado about his conversion of jiggly peaches into plaster casted pincushions. Just hauld still now, there there, here here, lemme take that...ah yes...pointy protruding bits, squeeze, squeeze, drop o liquid yeh, preggy m'dear, well now, push in, squash down, a pinch here, a pin (or two) there, and lo and behauld yer peaches make loverly ornaments my dear, make me mouth water for a bit of the auld sweet nectar. Whether this impress as intriguing, pretentious, annoying, repellent, beautiful, dull or brilliant, it represented a symbolic language double-talk inherent in display and expression of the female form. Tasty, supple, undulant. My family, as they age, slowly evolves toward the roots of the animal kingdom that has sprung us all. Some are turtles, some owls, some chipmunks, and still others, ferrets: each resembling the outward characteristics peculiar and unique to that particular creature. We share fractured recollections of faded memories, distorted truths, and one-sided perceptions. All innocence sacrificed for easy laughter: auld debts of frustrated youth repaid with bitter reproach. All in all, a nauseating trip down Mammory Lane, replete with solid kicks to the crotch.

Uphill then, uphill, rolly rolly pushy poley up the up the up the hill again we go. Uh A oh. The buttons fall off greatly rapid in their descent. Cannot be apprehended. A book, a rose; an apple, an opera, a ewe, a, a European, a one-room apartment, a wance-famous actor. The plumber installed a Y in the line. Historic, caloric, historical, rhetorical, heroic, anechoic, rabbitual, stumfictual. Three fingers for a' that ♫♫♫. The sixth tone in the scale of C major or the first tone in the relative minor scale, A minor. Adenine, alanine. A proportional brassiere cup size, smaller than B and larger than AA. Ablaze; agape; aglow; astride; and awry, Adeline arose abiding in her beliefs, secure in her brassiere cup size, larger than B, smaller than DD. Her world a chaos of disorganization, characters appear in a multitude of exotic costumes, barrelloads of knick-knacks are strewn over the floors, ships sail into view and depart as swans, trees and flowers sprout and wither in the wilderness, fireflies glitter, skyscrapers rise and fall, fires rage and the rainbow glows on the horizon. Puisne paltry pickindebits. He ate her a nice bit o' fluff, played catch and mouth with her ample teats. Bouncing bulbous buboloes besplendent. She was always late, her long-time crush didn't know she existed, and she frequently spilled on herself whenever she became nervous. She was certain it was because she was the magnet for all the bad, terrible, and so-so luck that existed in the world. So she kept a notebook hidden in her unorganized sock drawer to prove it. All of these events had turned her into a cynic, especially since yesterday morning had started out like any other event-filled, disastrous day. My feet are about to snap underneath me. Why is it that the world opens its buttcheeks and rains shite upon my haid. I've been shat upon. Deciding that she could not even udder fear of dearth she decided to decide and decided her hips were supple, slim and less indecisive above all. A thunderclap frightened primitive, inarticulate man out of his bestial fornication under the open skies, caused him to conceive of the existence of a wrathful, watchful God, to utter his first terrified words, and to retire modestly to the shelter of caves to initiate the history of the family and of society. The most important thing, the grassroots, a few hundred people yelling outside doors wance every few months will persuade something something somewhere to change its ways. There can have been few wars where the battle lines were more clearly drawn. A continual bibbing of shandygaff saps the will, the nerves, the resolution, and the finer faculties, but there are those who will abide no other tipple. The kettle was furiously boiling, as was the atmosphere in the kitchen. To dream of wimmin foreshadows intrigue. Long, fanned hair streams down their slim figures, legs sharpened by high heels. The most familiar cliché of family life is still a drunk father yelling at a mother with almost daily husband and wife rows. Surges, sags, spikes expressed as a percentage of the fundamental wance in several thousand hours but could occur unexpectedly several times in a single fight. So it was for them. If we had given each other oxygen, maybe we would have stayed together. No need to be a crapehanger about it. A very refreshing drink, being a mixture of bitter ale or beer and ginger-beer, commonly drunk by the lower classes in England, and by strolling tinkers, low church parsons, newspaper men, journalists, and prizefighters, a solace for matrimonial difficulties. This is a rage spiral. Wandering around the windowsills and kitchen floors of New England is a common spider with a surprisingly nasty bite. Wimmin who of mun's goolies fashion a right tasty dab of sweetmeats or bondybits tender and rejoiceful. A tiny store selling lollies, sextoys, coffee and shampoo. A suspect (who can and can't be relied on, who can and can't be trusted to tell the truth) accused of exposing himself at a convenience store was immediately and most expeditiously converted into tasty bondybits by those lovely lassies of Bathouse Bondies. The gravy my dolls, the gravy is all and everything. The toughest bondybits easily succumb to the warm rolling gravy streams and release their inherent harmonies. This Bathouse Bondies bunch has as their hobby-horse the acquisition and preparation of the quelque chose or kickshaw, a delightful delicacy of bourses that simultaneously addresses population control while also removing a mun's chi. Not even so much as one qintar for his troubles. I should think more fitting compensation, a euro, a pound, not a qnitar, certainly not a shekel, first award it then the poor fellow has to have it converted. A nimble ninepence is better than a slow shilling. A cruel ravenous world we live in. Everyone has a penny to spend at a new ale-house. Good ale is meat, drink, and cloth.

He that buys land buys many stoons,

He that buys flesh buys many bones,

He that buys eggs buys many shells,

He that buys ale buys nothing else.

That Gdynia she's a hungry one she is. A bit in the morning is better than nothing all day. Knocks em down knocks em back chews through 10 mun a day. Her breasts float out in front of her, salvation for the taking. A woomon's strength is in her tongue. She's like a barber's chair, fit forevery buttock. She lay naked, draped across a desert rock. In the widening scrub, desiccated creatures, an iguana perhaps among them, scurried for cover from the blazing solar kiss. After being married many years, he discovered they were brother and sister. So gentle was he in his flesh world applications, his fingers left no compression marks on her tender buttocks. For her much like the fallows of Brummagem a stiff drop to Zedland be a ready ployce for any papejay. Parage alone does not garontee sixess. Well begun is half done. We have no need of loosejaws. Cheese yer patter. aa ae ag aga agape agar age ager apage ape aper ar are area areg ea ear er era erg gae gap gape gaper gar gare gear grape pa page pager par para parae pare parge pe pea peag pear peg per pre rag raga rage rap rape re reap reg rep. Both man and woomon bear pain or sorrow (and, for aught I know, pleasure too) best in a horizontal position. Happy is the wooing, that is not long a-doing. The goal of political discourse is not to find novel metaphors that mobilize public opinion, but to use simple metaphors that are repeated continuously. Chronic repetition of clichés results in dulling the critical faculties rather than awakening them and simply evokes a conditioned, uncritical response by the audience. The two sides of the clam cannot exist in isolation, or without the context of the seawater around it. Rabbitus is what we each bring with us to every situation and relationship. It is the past choices, experiences, hopes and expectations interacting together to provide us with the opportunity of action or not. Rabbitus may include fears and aspirations, real, imagined (or a combination of both) and cultural contexts. Hence we are in some ways, products of the social world in which we exist. One half of the world knows not how the other half lives. There is not an easily distinguishable line separating the explicit from the hidden in these bald naked chasing round the huge pulsing figtree situations. Chase him she did round and round the figtreee, faster and faster, velocity shredding her clothing piece by piece revolution by revolution till finally she was denuded and prepped for the catching at race end. Sure enough that when she ran full frontal into his standing erect form, he did the gentlemanly duty of celebrating her birthday suit by first lickling her silky shrubbery then planting a few candles of his own upon her sumptuous cakes lighting them one by one till she was flamed out tapped out laid out and smiling. Now thwackered and supine and well proportioned he tethered her to the surrounding trees and transformed her C cup candies into globular pin cushions quickly populating them with stainless steel pins which for to use in his darning. A handy fellow he was. A sideslide from his swell fencing days. Hiding behind a door provides opportunity for untransgressional behavior, or at the very least poor quality craftsmanship. Craftsman e pluribus unum he was indeed. After all, what is perceived as important in an observation is what is observable to others about one's embodied rabbitus, even though a verticular slamming of the haid up and down and down and down may be unconsciously performed. For many, what we don't have is not always arsniculated; its absence becomes part of our rabbitus. The absent are always at fault. Love thy neighbor, but pull not down thy haidge. Wimmin have a tendency to compare their squishy insides to someone else's chitinous outsides. And ondoing that, are set up to lose that game. It's heredihairy. Images of a bubble, a cloud and a lion's lhair were used by wimmin from diverse backgrounds to describe sexuality. One woodcock does not make a winter. Jonny Jackrow might have caused our fear of huge scary rabbits, but we'll forgive him because he's just so darn cute. On yer soides now, on yer soides. Spare yer comforts spare them please. Afore an affliction is digested consolation comes too soon and after it is digested it comes too late. Auld fools are the worst of fools. So there is but a mark between these two, as fine as a coombhair, for a comforter to take aim at. My uncle was always either on this side, or on that of it, and would often say, he believed in his heart he could as soon hit the longitude. For this reason, when he sat down upon his chair, he drew the curtain a little forwards, and having a tear at everyone's service, he pull'd out a cambric handkerchief, gave a low sigh, but held his peace disconsolate as a nightmaid. The auld todger. Today it would seem his greeph stemmed from loong obseessing oover the carapacial reedge of turtles. Sea turtles. Green sea turtles. Budgerigars uncle. Would not yer attentions not be better served by postulating the fate of our darling feathered friend the budgie? The thought that theirs is naught but to entertain humanity. Consigned to a cage not of their own making for their conceivable life. This would seem to me at odds with our rhetoric of freedoms and such. It's such that I...sniff...sniff...stifle a tear, a pending torrent of tears I might say. Get hauld of yerself nephew. Dripping like a lil'...shameful. Our chirpy budgie is none the worser for our efforts. But those poor turtles, see, the carapace and the plastron is all they've got haulding their insides together, that little filament and shell as protection against all life and mun can throw at them. Quite sad when ye' think about it. Pull up yer zipper now. If I had a shell against all the world threw at me, well, I suppose I'd feel right secure I would. Ah then, you've always been a bit odd nephew. Every one basteth the fat hog, while the lean one burneth. I am showering my mother, says Katia. Eeuw! Ye' serious? I was morbid. Now, it's a routine and I go through the motions. If she knew who I was, she would say, who are you, leave this job to the caregivers. The turnover is wicked, and the staff is maypoled on a daily basis. I want to preserve my mother's dignity. She shouldn't have to be touched by so many stinkin hands. Sometimes my mother cooperates when I dress her. Sometimes she doesn't. Getting her rigid arms into the sleeves is always difficult. Today, she reaches under the lower part of my top, and pinches the skin on the side of my belly with her calcified nails, twisting it in her hand. Ye're hurting me, she yells. I'm not hurting you, Mum, I say, with as much softness as I can muster through gritted teeth. I unhook her fingers from my flesh, and begin brushing her hair. She calms down. The aulder scratches on my wrist are almost healed, but the new ones have a bitter sting of freshness about them. Dried, powdered and dressed, there is a small light in her eyes. It is a glint that tells me she recognizes herself. She remembers that she always prided herself on her appearance. Her hand reaches for my wrist. I do not pull away, even though I fear more scratches. There is always the chance she might pat my arm with a warm gentleness, as she does today. Ye' luk like my favorite aunt, she says, she's very beautiful and kind. I smile, want to tell her about my life, I want her to tell me it will all be okay, like she would have done afore all this. I feel like crying. Ye' may as well bid me lade the sea with a nutshell. Where's my mother? she asks me. She's down the hall, in her room, I lie. Her frail and failing voice has all the desperation and fragility of a lost child's. I want my mother. Me, too, I say. Her eyes glaze over and she fades away wance more. We become our parent's nurse in their auld age. The nurse's tongue is privileged to talk. In South Africa, the naked scabby and miserable Splottentots are pestered by the still more abject Slonquaks and it may be some satisfaction for us to know that our auld enemies at the Cape, the Klafirrs, are troubled with a tribe of rascals called Flingoes, beggars, wanderers and outcasts. In South America, sleek and fat rascals, with not much inclination towards honesty, fasten like body insects upon tail buzzers, who would be equally sleek and fat but for their vagabond dependents. Younkers typically neat out of the wool-hole with excess wool and tenpence to the shilling. Their time would be better spent walking the barber than playing at thimble twisters. Vagabonds show certain outward peculiarities which distinguish them from the great mass of lawful people off whom they feed and fatten. Joe Banks was the proprietor of a public-house in Dyott-street, Seven Dials, and afterwards, on the demolition of the Rookery, of another in Cranbourne-alley. His houses became well-known from their being the resort of the worst characters, at the same time that the strictest decorum was always maintained in them. Joe Banks also acquired a remarkable notoriety by acting as a medium betwixt thieves and their victims. Upon the proper payment to Joe, a watch or a snuff box would at any time be restored to its lawful owner, no questions asked. The most daring depredators in Plundoon placed the fullest confidence in Joe, and it is believed (although the Biographie Universelle is quiet upon this point) that he never, in any instance, sauld them. He was of the middle height, stout, and strongly made, and was always noted for a showy pin, and a remarkably stunning neck-tie. It was this peculiarity in the costume of Mr. Banks, coupled with those true and tried qualities as a friend that led his customers to proclaim him as Stunning Joe Banks! The Marquis of Douro, Colonel Chatterley, and men of their stamp, were accustomed to resort to a private room at his house, when too late or too early to gain admittance to the clubs or more aristocratic establishments. Married ladies are said to be In The Straw at their accouchements, says Hairnischshneger. Down for a bit of the ol' thump thump like farm-yard animals in a similar condition. Strike me lucky! Nomore trickitreat. Throwout the opuratingilus coclei wit loods of no coont, umpty coont, and a coont at desoign lood fer the laft systers and oysters. Deskroibe how zhese loods will be or vont be or might be go in peaceamen determinated and creatified.The sunatchnoise is meesured wit the reepititious acshun of openigne and closigne the sunatch for 99 seconds on a vindjamb coinoperatedsodamachine.

Cockchafer fly

Yer father is at war

Yer mother is in Cochalaurian

Cochalaurian is burned to the ground

Cockchafer fly!

Roast one pound of cockchafers without wings and legs in sizzling butter, then cook them in a chicken soup, add some veal liver and serve with chives on a toast. Serving a 5 year sentence for tittytorture, kidnapping Gemma Boobsworthy Hummel, armcoated rubery, and every night with Mrs Palmfrond and her shapely daughters. Creeople sent me loitters with carts. Spears and spears and spores of candleschniken carts. I spent every nightmorning luking for haidges. Small curly haidges. Large blondus haidges. Huge fireredhaidges. Mrs. Palmfrond throust her doughters upoon me. And it shall come to pass in the last days, sayeth God, I will pour out my spirit upon all flesh; and yer sons and yer daughters shall see visions, and yer auld men shall dream dreams.... Shem is as short for Shemus as Jem is joky for Jacob. A few toughnecks are still getatable who pretend that aboriginally he was of respectable stemming (he was an outlex between the lines of Ragonar Blaubarb ant Horrild Hairwire and an inlaw to Capt. the Hon. and Rev.

Mr. Bayrdwood de Trop Blogg was among his most distant connections) but every honest to goodness man in the land of the space of today knows that his back life will not stand being written about in black and white. Putting truth and untruth together a shot may be made at what this hybrid actually was like to luk at.

Shem's bodily getup, it seems, included an adze of a skull, an eight of a larkseye, the whoel of a nose, one numb arm up a sleeve, fortytwo hairs off his uncrown, eighteen to his mock lip, a trio of barbels from his megageg chin (sowman's son), the wrong shoulder higher than the right, all ears, an artificial tongue with a natural curl, not a foot to stand on, a handful of thumbs, a blind stomach, a deaf heart, a loose liver, two fifths of two buttocks, one gleetsteen avoirdupoider for him, a manroot of all evil, a salmonkelt's thinskin, eelsblood in his cauld toes, a bladder tristended, so much so that young Master Shemmy on his very first debouch at the very dawn of protohistory seeing himself such and such, when playing with thistlewords in their garden nursery, Griefotrofio, at Phig Streat 111, Shuvlin, Auld Hoeland, (would we go back there now for sounds, pillings and sense? would we now for annas and annas? would we for fullscore eight and a liretta? for twelve blocks one bob? for four testers one groat? not for a dinar! not for jo!) dictited to of all his little brothron and sweestureens the first riddle of the universe: asking, when is a man not a man?: telling them take their time, yungfries, and wait till the tide stops (for from the first his day was a fortnight) and offering the prize of a bittersweet crab, a little present from the past, for their copper age was yet unminted, to the winner. One said when the heavens are quakers, a second said when Bohemeand lips, a third said when he, no, when hauld hard a jiffy, when he is a gnawstick and detarmined to, the next one said when the angel of death kicks the bucket of life, still another said when the wine's at witsends, and still another when lovely wooman stoops to conk him, one of the littliest said me, me, Sem, when pappa papared the harbour, one of the wittiest said, when he yeat ye abblokooken and he zmear hezelf zo zhooken, still one said when ye' are auld I'm grey fall full wi sleep, and still another when wee deader walkner, and another when he is just only after having being semisized, another when yea, he hath no mananas, and one when dose pigs they begin now that they will flies up intil the looft. All were wrong, so Shem himself, the doctator, took the cake, the correct solution being yers till the rending of the rocks.

Shem was a sham and a low sham and his lowness creeped out first via foodstuffs. So low was he that he preferred Gibsen's teatime salmon tinned, as inexpensive as pleasing, to the plumpest roeheavy lax or the friskiest parr or smolt troutlet that ever was gaffed between Leixlip and Island Bridge and many was the time he repeated in his botulism that no junglegrown pineapple ever smacked like the whoppers ye' shook out of Ananias' cans, Findlater and Gladstoon's, Corner House, Englend. None of yer inchthick blueblooded Balaclava fried-at-belief-stakes or juicejelly legs of the Grex's molten mutton or greasilygristly grunters' goupons or slice upon slab of luscious goosebosom with lump after load of plumpudding stuffing all aswim in a swamp of bogoakgravy for that greekenhearted yude! Rosbif of Auld Zealand! He could not attouch it. See what happens when yer somatophage merman takes his fancy to our virgitarian swan? He even ran away with hunself and became a farsoonerite, saying he would far sooner muddle through the hash of lentils in Europe than meddle with Irrland's split little pea. Wance when among those rebels in a state of hopelessly helpless intoxication the piscivore strove to lift a czitround peel to either nostril, hiccupping, apparently impromptued by the hibat he had with his glottal stop, that he kukkakould flowrish forever by the smell, as the czitr, as the kcedron, like a scedar, of the founts, on mountains, with limon on, of Lebanon. O! the lowness of him was beneath all up to that sunk to! No likedbylike firewater or firstserved firstshot or gulletburn gin or honest brewbarrett beer either. O dear no! Instead the tragic jester sobbed himself wheywhingingly sick of life on some sort of a rhubarbarous maundarin yellagreen funkleblue windigut diodying applejack squeezed from sour grapefruice and, to hear him twixt his sedimental cupslips when he had gulfed down mmmmuch too mmmmany gourds of it retching off to almost as low withswillers, who always knew notwithstanding when they had had enough and were rightly indignant at the wretch's hospitality when they found to their horror they could not carry another drop, it came straight from the noble white fat, jo, openwide sat, jo, jo, her why hide that, jo jo jo, the winevat, of the most serene magyansty az archdiochesse, if she is a duck, she's a douches, and when she has a feherbour snot her fault, now is it? artstouchups, funny ye're grinning at, fancy ye're in her yet, Fanny Urinia.

Aint that swell, hey? Peamengro! Talk about lowness! Any dog's quantity of it visibly oozed out thickly from this dirty little blacking beetle for the very fourth snap the Tulloch-Turnbull girl with her cauldblood kodak shotted the as yet unremuneranded national apostate, who was cowardly gun and camera shy, taking what he fondly thought was a short cut to Caer Fere, Soak Amerigas, vias the shipsteam Pridewin, after having buried a hatchet not so long before, by the wrong goods exeunt, nummer desh to tren, into Patatapapaveri's, fruiterers and musical florists, with his Ciaho, chavi! Sar shin, shillipen? She knew the vice out of bridewell was a bad fast man by his walk on the spot.

Johns is a different butcher's. Next place ye' are up town pay him a visit. Or better still, come tobuy. Ye' will enjoy cattlemen's spring meat. Johns is now quite divorced from baking. Fattens, kills, flays, hangs, draws, quarters and pieces. Feel his lambs! Ex! Feel how sheap! Exex! His liver too is great value, a spatiality! Exexex! COMMUNICATED.

Around that time, moravar, one generally, for luvvomony hoped or at any rate suspected among morticians that he would early turn out badly, develop hereditary pulmonary T.B., and do for himself one dandy time, nay, of a pelting night blanketed creditors, hearing a coarse song and splash off Eden Quay sighed and rolled over, sure all was up, but, though he fell heavily and locally into debit, not even then could such an antinomian be true to type. He would not put fire to his cerebrum; he would not throw himself in Liffey; he would not explaud himself with pneumantics; he refused to saffrocake himself with a sod. With the foreign devil's leave the fraid born fraud diddled even death. Anzi, cabled (but shaking the worth out of his maulth: Guardacosta leporello? Szasas Kraicz!) from his Nearapoblican asylum to his Jonathan for a brother: Here tokay, gone tomory, we're spluched, do something, Fireless. And had answer: Inconvenient, David.

Ye' see, chaps, it will trickle out, freaksily of course, but the tom and the shorty of it is: he was in his bardic memory low. All the time he kept on treasuring with condign satisfaction each and every crumb of trektalk, covetous of his neighbour's word, and if ever, during a Munda conversazione commoted in the nation's interest, delicate tippits were thrown out to him touching his evil courses by some wellwishers, vainly pleading by scriptural arguments with the opprobrious papist about trying to brace up for the kudos of the thing, Scally wag, and be a men instead of a dem scrounger, dish it all, such as: Pray, what is the meaning, sousy, of that continental expression, if ye' ever came acrux it, we think it is a word transpiciously like canaille?: or: Did ye' anywhere, kennel, on yer gullible's travels or during yer rural troubadouring, happen to stumble upon a certain gay young nobleman whimpering to the name of Low Swine who always addresses wimmin out of the one corner of his mouth, lives on loans and is furtivefree yers of age? without one sigh of haste like the supreme prig he was, and not a bit sorry, he would pull a vacant landlubber's face, root with earwaker's pensile in the outer of his lauscher and then, lisping, the prattlepate parnella, to kill time, and swatting his deadbest to think what under the canopies of Jansens Chrest would any decent son of an Albiogenselman who had bin to an university think, let a lent hit a hint and begin to tell all the intelligentsia admitted to that tamileasy samtalaisy conclamazzione (since, still and afore physicians, lawyers merchant, belfry pollititians, agricolous manufraudurers, sacrestanes of the Pure River Society, philanthropicks lodging on as many boards round the panesthetic at the same time as possible) the whole lifelong swrine story of his entire low cornaille existence, abusing his deceased ancestors wherever the sods were and one moment tarabooming great blunderguns (poh!) about his farfamed fine Poppamore, Mr Humhum, whom history, climate and entertainment made the first of his sept and always up to debt, though Eavens ears ow many fines he faces, and another moment visanvrerssas, cruaching three jeers (pah!) for his rotten little ghost of a Peppybeg, Mr Himmyshimmy, a blighty, a reeky, a lighty, a scrapy, a babbly, a ninny, dirty seventh among thieves and always bottom sawyer, till nowan knowed how howmely howme could be, giving unsolicited testimony on behalf of the absent, as glib as eaveswater to those present (who meanwhile, with increasing lack of interest in his semantics, allowed various subconscious smickers to drivel slowly across their fichers), unconsciously explaining, for inkstands, with a meticulosity bordering on the insane, the various meanings of all the different foreign parts of speech he misused and cuttlefishing every lie unshrinkable about all the other people in the story, leaving out, of course, foreconsciously, the simple worf and plague and poison they had cornered him about until there was not a snoozer among them but was utterly undeceived in the heel of the reel by the recital of the rigmarole.

He went without saying that the cull disliked anything anyway approaching a plain straightforward standup or knockdown row and, as often as he was called in to umpire any octagonal argument among slangwhangers, the accomplished washout always used to rub shoulders with the last speaker and clasp shakers (the handtouch which is speech without words) and agree to every word as soon as half uttered, command me!, yer servant, good, I revere you, how, my seer? be drinking that! quite truth, gratias, I'm yoush, see wha'm hearing?, also goods, please it, me sure?, be filling this!, quiso, ye' said it, apasafello, muchas grassyass, is there firing-on-me?, is their girlic-on-you?, to yer good self, yer sulphur, and then at wance focuss his whole unbalanced attention upon the next octagonist who managed to catch a listener's eye, asking and imploring him out of his piteous onewinker, (hemoptysia diadumenos) whether there was anything in the world he could do to please him and to overflow his tumbletantaliser for him yet wance more.

One hailcannon night (for his departure was attended by a heavy downpour) as very recently as some thousand rains ago he was therefore treated with what closely resembled parsonal violence, being soggert all unsuspectingly through the deserted village of Tumblin-on-the-Leafy from Mr Vanhomrigh's house at 81 bis Mabbot's Mall as far as Green Patch beyond the brickfields of Salmon Pool by rival teams of slowspiers counter quicklimers who finally, as rahilly they had been deteened out rawther laetich, thought, busnis hits busnis, they had better be streaking for home after their Auborne-to-Auborne, with thanks for the pleasant evening, one and all disgustedly, instead of ruggering him back, and awake, reconciled (though they were as jealous as could be cullions about all the truffles they had brought on him) to a friendship, fast and furious, which merely arose out of the noxious pervert's perfect lowness. Again there was a hope that people, luking on him with the contemp of the contempibles, after first gaving him a roll in the dirt, might pity and forgive him, if properly deloused, but the pleb was born a Quicklow and sank alowing till he stank out of sight.

All Saints beat Belial! Mickil Goals to Nichil! Notpossible! Already? In Nowhere has yet the Whole World taken part of himself for his Wife; By Nowhere have Poorparents been sentenced to Worms, Blood and Thunder for Life Not yet has the Emp from Corpsica forced the Arth out of Engleterre; Not yet have the Sachsen and Judder on the Mound of a Word made Warre; Not yet Witchywithcy of Wench struck Fire of his Heath from on Hoath; Not yet his Arcobaleine forespoken Peacepeace upon Oath; Cleftfoot from Hempal must tumpel, Blamefool Gardener's bound to fall; Broken Eggs will poursuive bitten Apples for where theirs is Will there's his Wall; But the Mountstill frowns on the Millstream while their Madsons leap his Bier And her Rillstrill liffs to His Murkesty all her daft Daughters laff in her Ear. Till the four Shores of deff Tory Island let the douze dumm Eire whiggs raille! Hirp! Hirp! for their Missed Understandings! chirps the Ballat of Perce-Oreille.

O fortunous casualitas! Lefty takes the cherubcake while Rights cloves his hoof. Darkies never done tug that coon out to play non-excretory, anti-sexuous, misoxenetic, gaasy pure, flesh and blood games, written and composed and sung and danced by Niscemus Nemon, same as piccaninnies play all day, those auld (none of yer honeys and rubbers!) games for fun and element we used to play with Dina and auld Joe kicking her behind and afore and the yellow girl kicking him behind auld Joe, games like Thom Thom the Thonderman,

Put the Wind up the Peeler, Hat in the Ring, Prisson yer Pritchards and Play Withers Team, Mikel on the Luckypig, Nickel in the Slot, Sheila Harnett and her Cow, Adam and Ell, Humble Bumble, Moggie's on the Wall, Twos and Threes, American Jump, Fox Come out of yer Den, Broken Bottles, Writing a Letter to Punch, Tiptop is a Sweetstore, Henressy Crump Expolled, Postman's Knock, Are We Fairlys Represented?, Solomon Silent reading, Appletree Bearstoon, I know a Washerwoomon, Hospitals, As I was Walking, There is Oneyone's House in Dreamcolohour, Battle of Waterloo, Colours, Eggs in the Bush, Habberdasherisher, Telling yer Dreams, What's the Time, Nap, Ducking Mammy, Last Man Standing, Heali Baboon and the Forky Theagues, Fickleyes and Futilears, Handmarried but wance in my Life and I'll never commit such a Sin agin, Zip Cooney Candy, Turkey in the Straw, This is the Way we sow the Seed of a long and lusty Morning, Hops of Fun at Miliken's Make, I seen the Toothbrush with Pat Farrel, Here's the Fat to graze the Priest's Boots, When his Steam was like a Raimbrandt round Mac Garvey.

Now it is notoriously known how on that surprisingly bludgeony Unity Sunday when the grand germogall allstar bout was harrily the rage between our weltingtoms extraordinary and our pettythicks the marshalaisy and Irish eyes of welcome were smiling daggers down their backs, when the roth, vice and blause met the noyr blank and rogues and the grim white and cauld bet the black fighting tans, categorically unimperatived by the maxims, a rank funk getting the better of him, the scut in a bad fit of pyjamas fled like a leveret for his bare lives, to Talviland, ahone ahaza, pursued by the scented curses of all the village belles and, without having struck one blow, (pig stole on him was lust he lagging it was becaused dust he shook) kuskykorked himself up tight in his inkbattle house, badly the worse for boosegas, there to stay in afar for the life, where, as there was not a moment to be lost, after he had boxed around with his fortepiano till he was whole bach bamp him and bump him blues, he collapsed carefully under a bedtick from Schwitzer's, his face enveloped into a dead warrior's telemac, with a lullobaw's somnbomnet and a whotwaterwottle at his feet to stoke his energy of waiting, moaning feebly, in monkmarian monotheme, but tarned long and then a nation louder, while engaged in swallowing from a large ampullar, that his pawdry's purgatory was more than a nigger bloke could bear, hemiparalysed by the tong warfare and all the shemozzle, (Daily Maily, fullup Lace! Holy Maly, Mothelup Joss!) his cheeks and trousers changing colour every time a gat croaked.

How is that for low, laities and gentlenuns? Why, dog of the Crostiguns, whole continents rang with this Kairokorran lowness! Sheols of houris in chems upon divans, (revolted stellas vespertine vesamong them) at a bare (O!) mention of the scaly rybald exclaimed: Poisse!

But would anyone, short of a madhouse, believe it? Neither of those clean little cherubum, Nero or Nobookisonester himself, ever nursed such a spoiled opinion of his monstrous marvellosity as did this mental and moral defective (here perhaps at the vanessance of his lownest) who was known to grognt rather than gunnard upon one occasion, while drinking heavily of spirits to that interlocutor a latere and private privysuckatary he used to pal around with, in the kavehazs, one Davy Browne-Nowlan, his heavenlaid twin, (this hambone dogpoet pseudoed himself under the hangname he gave himself of Bethgelert) in the porchway of a gipsy's bar (Shem always blaspheming, so holy writ, Billy, he would try, auld Belly, and pay this one manjack congregant of his four soups every lass of nexmouth, Bolly, so sure as thair's a tail on a commet, as a taste for storik's fortytooth, that is to stay, to listen out, ony twenny minnies moe, Bully, his Ballade Imaginaire which was to be dubbed Wine, Woomon and Waterclocks, or How a Guy Finks and Fawkes When He Is Going Batty, by Maistre Sheames de la Plume, some most dreadful stuff in a murderous mirrorhand) that he was avoopf (parn me!) aware of no other shaggspick, other Shakhisbeard, either prexactly unlike his polar andthisishis or procisely the seem as woops (parn!) as what he fancied or guessed the sames as he was himself and that, greet scoot, duckings and thuggery, though he was foxed fux to fux like a bunnyboy rodger with all the teashop lionses of Lumdrum hivanhoesed up gagainst him, being a lapsis linquo with a ruvidubb shortartempa, bad cad dad fad sad mad nad vanhaty bear, the consciquenchers of casuality prepestered crusswords in postposition, scruff, scruffer, scrufferumurraimost andallthatsortofthing, if reams stood to reason and his lankalivline lasted he would wipe alley english spooker, multaphoniaksically spuking, off the face of the erse.

After the thorough fright he got that bloody, Swithun's day, though every doorpost in muchtried Lucalizod was smeared with generous erstborn gore and every free for all cobbleway slippery with the bloods of heroes, crying to Welkins for others, and noahs and cul verts agush with tears of joy, our low waster never had the common baalamb's pluck to stir out and about the compound while everyone else of the torchlit throng, slashers and sliced alike, mobbu on massa, waaded and baaded around, yampyam pampyam, chanting the Gillooly chorus, from the Monster Book of Paltryattic Puetrie, O pura e pia bella! in junk et sampam or in secular sinkalarum, haids up, on his bonafide avocation (the little folk creeping on all fours to their natural school treat but childishly gleeful when a stray whizzer sang out intermediately) and happy belongers to the fairer sex on their usual quest for higher things, but vying with Lady Smythe to avenge MacJobber, went stoonstepping with their bickerrstaffs on educated feet, plinkity plonk, across the sevenspan ponte dei colori set up over the slop after the war-to-end war by Messrs a charitable government for the only wance (dia dose Finnados!) he did take a tompip peepestrella throug a threedraw eighteen hawkspower durdicky telescope, luminous to larbourd only like the lamps in Nassaustrass, out of his westernmost keyhole, spitting at the impenetrablum wetter, (and it was porcoghastly that outumn) with an eachway hope in his shivering soul, as he prayed to the cloud Incertitude, of finding out for himself, on akkount of all the kules in Kroukaparka or oving to all the kodseoggs in Kalatavala, whether true conciliation was forging ahed or falling back after the celestious intemperance and, for Duvvelsache, why, with his see me see and his my see a corves and his frokerfoskerfuskar layen loves in meeingseeing, he got the charm of his optical life when he found himself (hic sunt lennones!) at pointblank range blinking down the barrel of an irregular revolver of the bulldog with a purpose pattern, handled by an unknown quarreler who, supposedly, had been tauld off to shade and shoot shy Shem should the shit show his shiny shnout out awhile to luk facts in their face afore being hosed and creased (uprip and jack him!) by six or a dozen of the gayboys.

What, para Saom Plaom, in the names of Deucalion and Pyrrha, and the incensed privy and the licensed pantry gods and Stator and Victor and Kutt and Runn and the whole mesa redonda of Lorencao Otulass in convocacaon, was this disinterestingly low human type, this Calumnious Column of Cloaxity, this Bengalese Beacon of Biloxity, this Annamite Aper of Atroxity, really at, it will be precise to quarify, for he seems in a badbad case?

The answer, to do all the diddies in one dedal, would sound: from pulling himself on his most flavoured canal the huge chesthouse of his elders (the Popapreta, and some navico, navvies!) he had flickered up and flinnered down into a drug and drunkery addict, growing megalomane of a loose past. This explains the litany of septuncial lettertrumpets honorific, highpitched, erudite, neoclassical, which he so loved as patricianly to manuscribe after his name. It would have diverted, if ever seen, the shuddersome spectacle of this semidemented zany amid the inspissated grime of his glaucous den making believe to read his usylessly unreadable Blue Book of Eccles, édition de ténèbres, (even yet sighs the Most Different, Dr. Poindejenk, authorised bowdler and censor, it can't be repeated!) turning over three sheets at a wind, telling himself delightedly, no espellor mor so, that every splurge on the vellum he blundered over was an aisling vision more gorgeous than the one afore t.i.t.s., a roseschelle cottage by the sea for nothing forever, a ladies tryon hosiery raffle at liberty, a sewerful of guineagauld wine with brancomongepadenopie and sickcylinder oysters worth a billion a bite, an entire operahouse (there was to be stamping room only in the prompter's box and everthemore his queque kept swelling) of enthusiastic noblewimmin flinging every coronetcrimsoned stitch they had off at his probscenium, one after the others, inamagoaded into ajustilloosing themselves, in their gaiety pantheomime, when, egad, sir, acordant to all acountstrick, he squealed the topsquall im Deal Lil Shemlockup Yellin (geewhiz, jew ear that far! soap ewer! loutgout of sabaous! juice like a boyd!) for fully five minutes, infinitely better than Baraton Mc Gluckin with a scrumptious cocked hat and three green, cheese and tangerine trinity plumes on the right handle side of his amarellous haid, a coat macfarlane (the kerssest cut, ye' understand?) a sponiard's digger at his ribs, (Alfaiate punxit) an azulblu blowsheet for his blousebosom blossom and a dean's crozier that he won from Cardinal Lindundarri and Cardinal Carchingarri and Cardinal Loriotuli and Cardinal Occidentaccia (ah ho!) in the dearby darby doubled for falling first over the hurdles, madam, in the odder hand, a.a.t.s.o.t., but what with the murky light, the botchy print, the tattered cover, the jigjagged page, the fumbling fingers, the foxtrotting fleas, the lieabed lice, the scum on his tongue, the drop in his eye, the lump in his throat, the drink in his pottle, the itch in his palm, the wail of his wind, the grief from his breath, the fog of his mindfag, the buzz in his braintree, the tic of his conscience, the height up his rage, the gush down his fundament, the fire in his gorge, the tickle of his tail, the bane in his bullugs, the squince in his suil, the rot in his eater, the ycho in his earer, the totters of his toes, the tetters on his tumtytum, the rats in his garret, the bats in his belfry, the budgerigars and bumbosolom beaubirds, the hullabaloo and the dust in his ears since it took him a month to steal a march he was hardset to mumorise more than a word a week. Hake's haulin! Hook's fisk! Can ye' beat it? Whawe! I say, can ye' bait it? Was there ever haird of such lowdown blackguardism? Positively it woolies one to think over it.

Yet the bumpersprinkler used to boast aloud alone to himself with a haccent on it when Mynfadher was a boer constructor and Hoy was a lexical student, parole, and corrected with the blackboard (trying to copy the stage Englesemen he broughts their house down on, shouting: Bravure, surr Chorles! Letter purfect! Culossal, Loose Wallor! Spache!) how he had been toed out of all the schicker families of the klondykers from Pioupioureich, Swabspays, the land of Nod, Shruggers' Country, Pension Danubierhome and Barbaropolis, who had settled and stratified in the capital city after its hebdomodary metropoliarchialisation as sunblistered, moonplastered, gory, wheedling, joviale, litcherous and full, ordered off the gorgeous premises in most cases on account of his smell which all cookmaids eminently objected to as ressembling the bombinubble puzzo that welled out of the pozzo. Instead of chuthoring those model househaulds plain wholesome pothooks (a thing he never possessed of his Nigerian own) what do ye' think Vulgariano did but study with stolen fruit how cutely to copy all their various styles of signature so as one day to utter an epical forged cheque on the public for his own private profit until, as just related, the Dustbin's United Scullerymaid's and Househelp's Sorority, better known as Sluttery's Mowlted Futt, turned him down and assisted nature by unitedly shoeing the source of annoyance out of the place altogether and taytotally on the heat of the moment, haulding one another's gonk (for no-one, hound or scrublady, not even the Turk, ungreekable in purscent of the armenable, dared whiff the polecat at close range) and making some pointopointing remarks as they done so at the perfects of the Sniffey, yer honour, aboon the lyow why a stunk, mister.

Jymes wishes to hear from wearers of abandoned female costumes, gratefully received, wadmel jumper, rather full pair of culottes and onthergarmenteries, to start city life together. His jymes is out of job, would sit and write. He has lately commited one of the then commandments but she will now assist. Superior built, domestic, regular layer. Also got the boot. He appreciates it. Copies. ABORTISEMENT.

One cannot even begin to post figure out a statuesquo ante as to how slow in reality the excommunicated Drumcondriac, nate Hamis, really was. Who can say how many pseudostylic shamiana, how few or how many of the most venerated public impostures, how very many piously forged palimpsests slipped in the first place by this morbid process from his pelagiarist pen?

Be that as it may, but for that light phantastic of his gnose's glow as it slid lucifericiously within an inch of its page (he would touch at its from time to other, the red eye of his fear in saddishness, to ensign the colours by the beerlitz in his mathness and his educandees to outhue to themselves in the cries of girlglee: gember! inkware! chonchambre! cinsero! zinnzabar! tincture and gin!) Nibs never would have quilled a seriph to sheepskin. By that rosy lampoon's effluvious burning and with help of the simulchronic flush in his pann (a ghinee a ghirk he ghets there!) he scrabbled and scratched and scriobbled and skrevened nameless shamelessness about everybody ever he met, even sharing a precipitation under the idlish tarriers' umbrella of a showerproof wall, while all over up and down the four margins of this rancid Shem stuff the evilsmeller (who was devoted to Uldfadar Sardanapalus) used to stipple endlessly inartistic portraits of himself in the act of reciting auld Nichiabelli's monoluk interyerear Hanno, o Nonanno, acce'l brubblemm'as, ser Autore, q.e.d., a heartbreakingly handsome young paolo with love lyrics for the goyls in his eyols, a plaintiff's tanner vuice, a jucal inkome of one hundred and thirtytwo dranchmas per yard from Broken Hill stranded estate, Camebreech mannings, cutting a great dash in a brandnew two guinea dress suit and a burled hogsford hired for a Fursday evenin merry pawty, anna loavely long pair of inky Italian moostarshes glistering with boric vaseline and frangipani. Puh! How unwhisperably so!

The house O'Shea or O'Shame, Quivapieno, known as the Haunted Inkbottle, no number Brimstoon Walk, Asia in Ireland, as it was infested with the raps, with his penname SHUT sepiascraped on the doorplate and a blind of black sailcloth over its wan phwinshogue, in which the soulcontracted son of the secret cell groped through life at the expense of the taxpayers, dejected into day and night with jesuit bark and bitter bite, calicohydrants of zolfor and scoppialamina by full and forty Queasisanos, every day in everyone's way more exceeding in violent abuse of self and others, was the worst, it is hoped, even in our western playboyish world for pure mousefarm filth. Ye' brag of yer brass castle or yer tyled house in ballyfermont? Niggs, niggs and niggs again. For this was a stinksome inkenstink, quite puzzonal to the wrottel. Smatterafact, Angles aftanon browsing there thought not Edam reeked more rare. My wud! The warped flooring of the lair and soundconducting walls thereof, to say nothing of the uprights and imposts, were persianly literatured with burst loveletters, telltale stories, stickyback snaps, doubtful eggshells, bouchers, flints, borers, puffers, amygdaloid almonds, rindless raisins, alphybettyformed verbage, vivlical viasses, ompiter dictas, visus umbique, ahems and ahahs, imeffible tries at speech unasyllabled, ye' owe mes, eyauldhyms, fluefoul smut, fallen lucifers, vestas which had served, showered ornaments, borrowed brogues, reversibles jackets, blackeye lenses, family jars, falsehair shirts, Godforsaken scapulars, neverworn breeches, cutthroat ties, counterfeit franks, best intentions, curried notes, upset latten tintacks, unused mill and stumpling stoons, twisted quills, painful digests, magnifying wineglasses, solid objects cast at goblins, wance current puns, quashed quotatoes, messes of mottage, unquestionable issue papers, seedy ejaculations, limerick damns, crocodile tears, spilt ink, blasphematory spits, stale shestnuts, schoolgirl's, young ladies, milkmaids', washerwimmin's, shopkeepers' wives, merry widows', ex nuns', vice abbess's, pro virgins', super whores', silent sisters', Charleys' aunts', grandmothers', mothers'-in-laws, fostermothers', godmothers' garters, tress clippings from right, lift and cintrum, worms of snot, toothsome pickings, cans of Swiss condensed bilk, highbrow lotions, kisses from the antipodes, presents from pickpockets, borrowed plumes, relaxable handgrips, princess promises, lees of whine, deoxodised carbons, convertible collars, diviliouker doffers, broken wafers, unloosed shoe latchets, crooked strait waistcoats, fresh horrors from Hades, globules of mercury, undeleted glete, glass eyes for an eye, gloss teeth for a tooth, war moans, special sighs, longsufferings of longstanding, ahs ohs ouis sis jas jos gias neys thaws sos, yeses and yeses and yeses, to which, if one has the stomach to add the breakages, upheavals distortions, inversions of all this chambermade music one stands, given a grain of goodwill, a fair chance of actually seeing the whirling dervish, Tumult, son of Thunder, self exiled in upon his ego, a nightlong a shaking betwixtween white or reddr hawrors, noondayterrorised to skin and bone by an ineluctable phantom (may the Shaper have mercery on him!) writing the mystery of himsel in furniture.

Of course our low hero was a self valeter by choice of need so up he got up whatever is meant by a stourbridge clay kitchenette and lithargogalenu fowlhouse for the sake of akes (the umpple does not fall very far from the dumpertree) which the moromelodious jigsmith, in defiance of the Uncontrollable Birth Preservativation (Game and Poultry) Act, playing lallaryrook cookerynook, by the dodginess of his lentern, brooled and cocked and potched in an athanor, whites and yolks and yilks and whotes to the frulling fredonnance of Mas blanca que la blanca hermana and Amarilla, muy bien, with cinnamon and locusts and wild beeswax and liquorice and Carrageen moss and blaster of Barry's and Asther's mess and Huster's micture and Yellownan's embrocation and Pinkingtone's patty and stardust and sinner's tears, acuredent to Sharadan's Art of Panning, chanting, for all regale to the like of the legs he left behind with Litty fun Letty fan Leven, his cantraps of fermented words, abracadabra calubra culorum, (his oewfs à la Madame Gabrielle de l'Eglise, his avgs à la Mistress B. de B. Meinfelde, his eiers Usquadmala à la pomme de ciel, his uoves, oves and uves à la Sulphate de Soude, his ochiuri sowtay sowmmonay a la Monseigneur, his soufflosion of oogs with somekat on toyast à la Mère Puard, his Poggadovies alla Fenella, his Frideggs à la Tricarême) in what was meant for a closet (Ah ho! If only he had listened better to the four masters that infanted him Father Mathew and Le Père Noble and Pastor Lucas and Padre Aguilar — not forgetting Layteacher Baudwin! Ah ho!) His costive Satan's antimonian manganese limolitmious nature never needed such an alcove so, when Robber and Mumsell, the pulpic dictators, on the nudgment of their legal advisers, Messrs Codex and Podex, and under his own benefiction of their pastor Father Flammeus Falconer, boycotted him of all muttonsuet candles and romeruled stationery for any purpose, he winged away on a wildgoup's chase across the kathartic ocean and made synthetic ink and sensitive paper for his own end out of his wit's waste. Ye' ask, in Sam Hill, how? Let manner and matter of this for these our sporting times be cloaked up in the language of blushfed porporates that an Anglican ordinal, not reading his own rude dunsky tunga, may ever behauld the brand of scarlet on the brow of her of Babylon and feel not the pink one in his own damned cheek.

Primum opifex, altus prosator, ad terram viviparam et cunctipotentem sine ullo pudore nec venia, suscepto pluviali atque discinctis perizomatis, natibus nudis uti nati fuissent, sese adpropinquans, flens et gemens, in manum suam evacuavit (highly prosy, crap in his hand, sorry!), postea, animale nigro exoneratus, classicum pulsans, stercus proprium, quod appellavit deiectiones suas, in vas olim honorabile tristitiae posuit, eodem sub invocatione fratrorum geminorum Medardi et Godardi laete ac melliflue minxit, psalmum qui incipit: Lingua mea calamus scribae velociter scribentis: magna voce cantitans (did a piss, says he was dejected, asks to be exonerated), demum ex stercore turpi cum divi Orionis iucunditate mixto, cocto, frigorique exposito, encaustum sibi fecit indelibile (faked O'Ryan's, the indelible ink).

Then, pious Eneas, conformant to the fulminant firman which enjoins on the tremylose terrian that, when the call comes, he shall produce nichthemerically from his unheavenly body a no uncertain quantity of obscene matter not protected by copriright in the United Stars of Ourania or bedeed and bedood and bedang and bedung to him, with this double dye, brought to blood heat, gallic acid on iron ore, through the bowels of his misery, flashly, faithly, nastily, appropriately, this Esuan Menschavik and the first till last alshemist wrote over every square inch of the only foolscap available, his own body, till by its corrosive sublimation one continuous present tense integument slowly unfaulded all marryvoising moodmoulded cyclewheeling history (thereby, he said, reflecting from his own individual person life unlivable, transaccidentated through the slow fires of consciousness into a dividual chaos, perilous, potent, common to allflesh, human only, mortal) but with each word that would not pass away the squidself which he had squirtscreened from the crystalline world waned chagreenauld and doriangrayer in its dudhud. This exists that isits after having been said we know. And dabal take dabnal! And the dal dabal dab aldanabal! So perhaps, agglaggagglomeratively asaspenking, after all and arklast fore arklyst on his last public misappearance, circling the square, for the deathfête of Saint Ignaceous Poisonivy, of the Fickle Crowd (hopon the sexth day of Hogsober, killim our king, layum low!) and brandishing his bellbearing stylo, the shining keyman of the wilds of change, if what is sauce for the zassy is souse for the zazimas, the blond cop who thought it was ink was out of his depth but bright in the main.

Petty constable Sistersen of the Kruis-Kroon-Kraal it was, the parochial watch, big the dog the dig the bog the bagger the dugger the begadag degabug, who had been detailed from pollute stoties to save him, this the quemquem, that the quum, from the ligatureliablous effects of foul clay in little clots and mobmauling on luks, that wrongcountered the tenderfoot an eveling near the livingsmeansuniumgetherum, Knockmaree, Comty Mea, reeling more to the right than he lurched to the left, on his way from a protoprostitute (he would always have a (stp!) little pigeoness somewhure with his arch girl, Arcoiris, smockname of Mergyt) just as he was butting in rand the coyner of bad times under a hideful between the rival doors of warm bethels of worship through his boardelhouse fongster, greeting for grazious oras as usual: Where ladies have they that a dog meansort herring? Sergo, search me, the incapable reparteed with a selfevitant subtlety so obviously spurious and, raising his hair, after the grace, with the christmas under his clutcharm, for Portsymasser and Purtsymessus and Pertsymiss and Partsymasters, like a prance of findingos, with a shillto shallto slipny stripny, in he skittled. Swikey! The allwhite poors guardiant, pulpably of balltossic stummung, was literally astundished over the painful sake, how he burstteself, which he was gone to, where he intent to did he, whether ye' think will, wherend the whole current of the afternoon whats the souch of a surch hads of hits of hims, urged and staggered thereto in his countryports at the caledosian capacity for Lieutuvisky of the caftan's wineskin and even more so, during, luking his bigmost astonishments, it was said him, aschu, fun the concerned outgift of the dead med dirt, how that, arrahbejibbers, conspuent to the dominical order and exking noblish permish, he was namely coon at bringer at home two gallonts, as per royal, full poultry till his murder. Nip up and nab it!

Polthergeistkotzdondherhoploits! Kick? What mother? Whose porter? Which pair? Why namely coon? But our undilligence has been plutherotested so enough of such porterblack lowneess, too base for printink! Perpending that Putterick O'Purcell pulls the coald stoane out of Winterwater's and Silder Seas sing for Harreng our Keng, sept okt nov dez John Phibbs march! We cannot, in mercy or justice nor on the lovom for labaryntos, stay here for the residence of our existings, discussing Tamstar Ham of Tenman's thirst.

JUSTIUS (to himother): Brawn is my name and broad is my nature and I've breit on my brow and all's right with every feature and I'll brune this bird or Brown Bess's bung's gone bandy. I'm the boy to bruise and braise. Baus!

Stand forth, Nayman of Noland (for no longer will I follow ye' obliquelike through the inspired form of the third person singular and the moods and hesitensies of the deponent but address myself to you, with the empirative of my vendettative, provocative and out direct), stand forth, come bauldly, jolly me, move me, zwilling though I am, to laughter in yer true colours ere ye' be back forever till I give ye' yer talkingto! Shem Macadamson, ye' know me and I know ye' and all yer shemeries. Where have ye' been in the uterim, enjoying yerself all the morning since yer last wetbed confession? I advise ye' to conceal yerself, my little friend, as I have said a moment ago and put yer hands in my hands and have a nightslong homely little confiteor about things. Let me see. It is luking pretty black against you, we suggest, Sheem avick. Ye' will need all the elements in the river to clean ye' over it all and a fortifine popespriestpower bull of attender to booth.

Let us pry. We thought, would and did. Cur, quicquid, ubi, quomodo, quoties, quibus auxiliis? Ye' were bred, fed, fostered and fattened from holy childhood up in this two easter island on the piejaw of hilarious heaven and roaring the other place (plunders to night of you, blunders what's left of you, flash as flash can!) and now, forsooth, a nogger among the blankards of this dastard century, ye' have become of twosome twiminds forenenst gods, hidden and discovered, nay, condemned fool, anarch, egoarch, hiresiarch, ye' have reared yer disunited kingdom on the vacuum of yer own most intensely doubtful soul. Do ye' hauld yerself then for some god in the manger, Shehohem, that ye' will neither serve not let serve, pray nor let pray? And here, pay the piety, must I too nerve myself to pray for the loss of selfrespect to equip me for the horrible necessity of scandalisang (my dear sisters, are ye' ready?) by sloughing off my hope and tremors while we all swin together in the pool of Sodom? I shall shiver for my purity while they will weepbig for yer sins. Away with covered words, new Solemonities for auld Badsheetbaths! That inharmonious detail, did ye' name it? Cauld caldor! Gee! Victory! Now, opprobro of underslung pipes, johnjacobs, while yet an adolescent (what do I say?), while still puerile in yer tubsuit with buttonlegs, ye' got a handsome present of a selfraising syringe and twin feeders (ye' know, Monsieur Abgott, in yer art of arts, to yer cost as well as I do (and don't try to hide it) the penals lots I am now poking at) and the wheeze sort of was ye' should (if ye' were as bould a stroke now as the curate that christened you, sonny douth-the-candle!) repopulate the land of yer birth and count up yer progeny by the hungered haid and the angered thousand but ye' thwarted the wious pish of yer cogodparents, soph, among countless occasions of failing (for, said you, I will elenchate), adding to the malice of yer transgression, yes, and changing its nature, (ye' see I have read yer theology for you) alternating the morosity of my delectations — a philtred love, trysting by tantrums, small peace in ppenmark — with sensibility, sponsibility, passibility and prostability, yer lubbock's other fear pleasures of a butler's life, even extruding yer strabismal apologia, when legibly depressed, upon defenceless paper and thereby adding to the already unhappiness of this our popeyed world, scribblative! — all that too with cantreds of countless catchaleens, the mannish as many as the minneful, congested around and about ye' for acres and roods and poles or perches, thick as the fluctuant sands of Chalwador, accomplished wimmin, indeed fully educanded, far from being auld and rich behind their dream of arrivisme, if they have only their honour left, and not deterred by bad weather when consumed by amorous passion, struggling to possess themselves of yer boosh, one son of Sorge for all daughters of Anguish, solus cum sola sive cuncties cum omnibobs (I'd have been the best man for you, myself), mutely aying for that natural knot, debituary vases or vessels preposterous, for what would not have cost ye' ten bolivars of collarwork or the price of one ping pang, just a lilt, let us trillt, of the auldest song in the wooed woodworld, (two-we! to-one!), accompanied by a plain gauld band! Hail! Hail! Highbosomheaving Missmisstress Morna of the allsweetheartening bridemuredemeanour! Her eye's so gladsome we'll all take shares in the —— groom!

Sniffer of carrion, premature gravedigger, seeker of the nest of evil in the bosom of a good word, you, who sleep at our vigil and fast for our feast, ye' with yer dislocated reason, have cutely foretauld, a jophet in yer own absence, by blind poring upon yer many scalds and burns and blisters, impetiginous sore and pustules, by the auspices of that raven cloud, yer shade, and by the auguries of rooks in parlament, death with every disaster, the dynamitisation of colleagues, the reducing of records to ashes, the levelling of all customs by blazes, the return of a lot of sweetempered gunpowdered didst unto dudst but it never stphruck yer mudhaid's obtundity (O hell, here comes our funeral! O pest, I'll miss the post!) that the more carrots ye' chop, the more turnips ye' slit, the more murphies ye' peel, the more onions ye' cry over, the more bullbeef ye' butch, the more mutton ye' crackerhack, the more potherbs ye' pound, the fiercer the fire and the longer yer spoon and the harder ye' gruel with more grease to yer elbow the merrier fumes yer new Irish stew.

O, by the way, yes, another thing occurs to me. Ye' let me tell you, with the utmost politeness, were very ordinarily designed, yer birthwrong was, to fall in with Plan, as our nationals should, as all nationists must, and do a certain office (what, I will not tell you) in a certain holy office (nor will I say where) during certain agonising office hours (a clerical party all to yerself) from such a year to such an hour on such and such a date at so and so much a week pro anno (Guinness's, may I remind, were just agulp for you, failing in which ye' might have taken the scales off boilers like any boskop of Yorek) and do yer little thruppenny bit and thus earn from the nation true thanks, right here in our place of burden, yer bourne of travail and ville of tares, where after a divine's prodigence ye' drew the first watergasp in yer life, from the crib where ye' wance was bit to the crypt you'll be twice as shy of, same as we, long of us, alone with the colt in the curner, where ye' were as popular as an armenial with the faithful, and ye' set fire to my tailcoat when I hauld the paraffin smoker under yers (I hope that chimney's clear) but, slackly shirking both yer bullet and yer billet, ye' beat it backwards like Boulanger from Galway (but he combed the grass against his stride) to sing us a song of alibi, (the cuthone call over the greybounding slowrolling amplyheaving metamorphoseous that oozy rocks parapangle their preposters with) nomad, mooner by lamplight, antinos, shemming amid everyone's repressed laughter to conceal yer scatchophily by mating, like a thoroughpaste prosodite, masculine monosyllables of the same numerical mus, an Irish emigrant the wrong way out, sitting on yer crooked sixpenny stile, an unfrillfrocked quackfriar, ye' (will ye' for the laugh of Scheekspair just help mine with the epithet?) semisemitic serendipitist, ye' (thanks, I think that describes you) Europasianised Afferyank!

Shall we follow each others a steplonger, drowner of daggers, whiles our liege, tilyet a stranger in the frontyard of his happiness, is taking, (heal helper! one gob, one gap, one gulp and gorger of all!) his refreshment?
There grew up beside you, amid our orisons of the speediest in Novena Lodge, Novara Avenue, in Patripodium-am-Bummel, oaf, outofwork, one remove from an unwashed savage, on his keeping and in yers, (I pose ye' know why possum hides is cause he haint the nogumtreeumption) that other, Immaculatus, from haid to foot, sir, that pure one, Altrues of other times, he who was well known to celestine circles afore he sped aloft, our handsome young spiritual physician that was to be, seducing every sense to selfwilling celebesty, the most winning counterfeuille on our incomeshare lotetree, a chum of the angelets, a youth those reporters so pettitily wanted as gamefellow that they asked his mother for ittle earps brupper to let him tome to Tindertarten, pease, and bing his scooter 'long and 'tend they were all real brothers in the big justright home where Dodd lives, just to teddyfy the life out of him and pat and pass him one with other like musk from hand to hand, that mothersmothered model, that goodluker with not a flaw whose spiritual toilettes were the talk of half the town, for sunset wear and nightfallen use and daybroken donning and nooncheon showing and the very thing for teasetime, but him ye' laid low with one hand one fine May morning in the Meddle of yer Might, yer bosom foe, because he mussed yer speller on ye' or because he cut a pretty figure in the focus of yer frontispecs (not one did ye' slay, no, but a continent!) to find out how his innards worked!

Ever read of that greatgrand landfather of our visionbuilders, Baaboo, the bourgeoismeister, who thought to touch both himmels at the punt of his risen stiffstaff and how wishywashy sank the waters of his thought? Ever thought of that hereticalist Marcon and the two scissymaidies and how bulkily he shat the Ructions gunorrhal? Ever hear of that foxy, that lupo and that monkax and the virgin heir of the Morrisons, eh, blethering ape?

Malingerer in luxury, collector general, what has Yer Lowness done in the mealtime with all the hamilkcars of cooked vegetables, the hatfuls of stewed fruit, the suitcases of coddled ales, the Parish funds, me schamer, man, that ye' kittycoaxed so flexibly out of charitable butteries by yowling heavy with a hollow voice drop of yer horrible awful poverty of mind so as ye' couldn't even pledge a crown of Thorne's to pawn a coat off Trevi's and as how ye' was bad no end, so ye' was, so whelp ye' Sinner Pitre and Sinner Poule, with the chicken's gape and pas mal de siècle, which, by the by, Reynaldo, is the ordinary emetic French for grenadier's drip. To let ye' have yer plank and yer bonewash (O the hastroubles ye' lost!), to give ye' yer pound of platinum and a thousand thongs a year (O, ye' were excruciated, in honour bound to the cross of yer own cruelfiction!) to let ye' have yer Sarday spree and holinight sleep (fame would come to ye' twixt a sleep and a wake) and leave to lie till Paraskivee and the cockcock crows for Danmark. (O Jonathan, yer estomach!) The simian has no sentiment secretions but weep cataracts for all me, Pain the Shamman! Oft in the smelly night will they wallow for a clutch of the famished hand, I say, them bearded jezabelles ye' hired to rob you, while on yer sodden straw impolitely ye' encored (Airish and nawboggaleesh!) those hornmade ivory dreams ye' reved of the Ruth ye' called yer companionate, a beauty from the bible, of the flushpots of Euston and the hanging garments of Marylebone. But the dormer moonshee smiled selene and the lightthrowers knickered: who's whinging we? Comport yerself, ye' inconsistency! Where is that little alimony nestegg against our predictable rainy day? Is it not the fact (gainsay me, cakeeater!) that, while whistlewhirling yer crazy elegies around Templetombmount joyntstoon, (let him pass, pleasegoodjesusalem, in a bundle of straw, he was balbettised after haymaking) ye' squandered among underlings the overload of yer extravagance and made a hottentot of dulpeners crawsick with yer crumbs? Am I not right? Yes? Yes? Yes? Holy wax and holifer! Don't tell me, Leon of the fauld, that ye' are not a loanshark! Luk up, auld sooty, be advised by mux and take yer medicine. The Good Doctor mulled it. Mix it twice afore repastures and powder three times a day. It does marvels for yer gripins and it's fine for the solitary worm.

Let me finish! Just a little judas tonic, my ghem of all jokes, to make ye' go green in the gazer. Do ye' hear what I'm seeing, hammet? And remember that gaulden silence gives consent, Mr Anklegazer! Cease to be civil, learn to say nay! Whisht! Come here, Herr Studiosus, till I tell ye' a wig in yer ear. We'll do a whisper drive, for if the barishnyas got a twitter of it they'd tell the housetops and then all Cadbury would go crackers. Luk! Do ye' see yer dial in the rockingglass? Luk well! Bend down a stigmy till I! It's secret! Iggri, I say, the booseleers! I had it from Lamppost Shawe. And he had it from the Mullah. And Mull took it from a Bluecoat schooler. And Gay Socks jot it from Potapheu's wife. And Rantipoll tipped the wink from auld Mrs Tinbullet. And as for she was confussed by pro-Brother Thacolicus. And the good brother feels he would need to defecate you. And the Flimsy Follettes are simply beside each other. And Kelly, Kenny and Keogh are up up and in arms. That a cross may crush me if I refuse to believe in it. That I may rock anchor through the ages if I hope it's not true. That the host may choke me if I beneighbour ye' without my charity! Sh! Shem, ye' are. Sh! Ye' are mad!

He points the deathbone and the quick are still. Insomnia, somnia somniorum. Awmawm.

MERCIUS (of hisself): Domine vopiscus! My fault, his fault, a kingship through a fault! Pariah, cannibal Cain, I who oathily forswore the womb that bore ye' and the paps I sometimes sucked, ye' who ever since have been one black mass of jigs and jimjams, haunted by a convulsionary sense of not having been or being all that I might have been or ye' meant to becoming, bewailing like a man that innocence which I could not defend like a woomon, lo, ye' there, Cathmon-Carbery, and thank Movies from the innermost depths of my still attrite heart, Wherein the days of youyouth are evermixed mimine, now ere the compline hour of being alone athands itself and a puff or so afore we yield our spiritus to the wind, for (though that royal one has not yet drunk a gouttelette from his consummation and the flowerpot on the pole, the spaniel pack and their quarry, retainers and the public house proprietor have not budged a millimetre and all that has been done has yet to be done and done again, when's day's woe, and lo, ye're doomed, joyday dawns and, la, ye' dominate) it is to you, firstborn and firstfruit of woe, to me, branded sheep, pick of the wasterpaperbaskel, by the tremours of Thundery and Ulerin's dogstar, ye' alone, windblasted tree of the knowledge of beautiful andevil, ay, clothed upon with the metuor and shimmering like the horescens, astroglodynamonologos, the child of Nilfit's father, blzb, to me unseen blusher in an obscene coalhole, the cubilibum of yer secret sigh, dweller in the downandoutermost where voice only of the dead may come, because ye left from me, because ye laughed on me, because, O me lonly son, ye are forgetting me!, that our turfbrown mummy is acoming, alpilla, beltilla, ciltilla, deltilla, running with her tidings, auld the news of the great big world, sonnies had a scrap, woewoewoe! bab's baby walks at seven months, waywayway! bride leaves her raid at Punchestime, stud stoond afore a racecourseful, two belles that make the one appeal, dry yanks will visit auld sod, and fourtiered skirts are up, mesdames, while Parimiknie wears popular short legs, and twelve hows to mix a tipsy wake, did ye hear, colt Cooney? did ye ever, filly Fortescue? with a beck, with a spring, all her rillringlets shaking, rocks drops in her tachie, tramtokens in her hair, all waived to a point and then all inuendation, little auldfashioned mummy, little wonderful mummy, ducking under bridges, bellhopping the weirs, dodging by a bit of bog, rapidshooting round the bends, by Tallaght's green hills and the pools of the phooka and a place they call it Blessington and slipping sly by Sallynoggin, as happy as the day is wet, babbling, bubbling, chattering to herself, deloothering the fields on their elbows leaning with the sloothering slide of her, giddygaddy, grannyma, gossipaceous Molly Malone.

He lifts the lifewand and the dumb speak.

— Quoiquoiquoiquoiquoiquoiquoiq!

If ye' see a hyena in yer dreams, ye' will meet much disappointment and much ill luck in yer undertakings, and yer companions will be very uncongenial. If lovers have this dream, they will often be involved in quarrels. If one attacks you, yer reputation will be set upon by busybodies. Do ye' believe a foolthing like that then do you? Serves ye' right to what's coming. There's ne'er a why, but there's a wherefore. Mrs. Burleson was stomping about tubthumping for all tired ears of corn. I wept when I was born, and every day shows why. A Plundoonstani court upheld the death penalty against a woomon who is accused of blasphemy after two prominent politicians who tried to help her were assassinated. The condition of anonymity is our security reason. A mob gathered outside her house dragged her out beat and barbecued her in a blazing bonfire to light the sky. Some prefer white meat I know said Mrs. Burleson. But I prefer the dark so naturally a juicy thigh was my choice. Nabilamiamor Ghazanzafearun was a fine tasty woomon. Sheas an chúirt Lundunaginstani an pionós an bháis i gcoinne bean atá cúisithe blasphemy tar éis dhá polaiteoirí feiceálach a thriail chun cuidiú a bhí assassinated léi. Is é an coinníoll den ainm ár gcúis slándála. A Mob a bailíodh lasmuigh dá teach a dragged sí amach buille agus barbecued di i tine chnámh blazing chun solais ar an spéir. Is fearr le roinnt feola bán a fhios agam a dúirt Bean Uí Burleson. Ach is fearr liom an dorchadas mar sin go nádúrtha a bhí ina thigh juicy mo rogha. Bhí Nabilamiamor Ghazanzafearun bean blasta fíneáil. He that hath a haid of wax must not walk in the sun like pigeons in flight that make a shadow on the grass, like corn popping fast and impatient. Allow them to glow and fade, hue after hue: sunrise gauld, the russet and green of apple orchards, azure of waves, the gray-fringed fleece of clouds. On a train, mun, wimmin and children are in the coaches, reading, dozing, luking on the scenes they pass, accused of a crime that is said to have taken place in the hanging gardens of Babylon. For a moment they are abstract human beings. Ye' feel them as neither acting nor acted upon, like figures in a tapestry that emerge, merge with each other and with natural objects. Three hundred singing chthonian midgets yaff, yaff, yaff. At Roentgen was the custom of idle, lazy young lads luking out for skilled industrious wives, giggling girls, precocious boys, and half-starved clerks in order to obtain an easy life. The wimmin take the place of fathers as well as husbands, while the anatine mun are idle and drunken. As great a pity to see a woomon weep, as to see a goose go barefoot. Poverty breeds strife. The best administrators are those mythomanes who have thoroughly mastered the axiom that zeal is a crime. Zeal without knowledge is frenzy. The princess of correction shall be notified of yer disturbance. When it thunders the thief becomes honest. Such were the blessings of the state their crimes conspir'd to make them great and virtue, who from politicks had learn'd a thousand cunning tricks was, by their happy influence made friends with vice, and ever since the worst of all the multitude did something for the common good, this was the states craft, that maintain'd the whole of which each part complain'd this, as in musick harmony made jarrings in the main agree parties directly opposite assist each other, as 'twere for spight and temp'rance with sobriety, serve drunkenness and gluttony. Les abeilles se soumettent d'un commun accord et dans leur propre intérêt à l'organisation de la ruche. A semantic anomaly ends with cusses ands aslap and a shoot and a bangbangbang resolution. Pleasure plays a contribuficatory prole in changing someone's mindstarorder. Gov. Norman Down problounced today that 13 Gorgon schlitties were greasently avuricoded fur outstoonding akrievement in sububerban design, eclonomical devbrelovment, organotional promonjeties and dalgentawn promthrowtions at the oonnual Gorgon Dalgentawn Confederenze psawards of Gretzellence squeremony. The squeremony, schlepalled Aug. 21 in Threedemeritus, was the culministration of a sqweek-wong conferencielism for the doowntoown developuissance. Our doowntoowns are the phleart of our communitiesnjackets orbiturned away frumthedoor, and thee psaward-skwinning schlitties splet the stawndird for doontoowns acwoss the cuntwee, said Down. A vibwent, estronomically grobusteses doowntoown is a scrighm of an orgastically clengaget communikwee complitted to menhancing its ecoglomic competitheness and its corkity o phlife. The Gorgon Doontoown Cronfence crompotes doontoown and eglophonic defribrilliment scrough pubic puntwareness, goobenmentalcase splenelations and horrenducation. Crow-sploonstered by the Gorgon Plentertaniment of Crommunity Quaffairs' Office of Undowntown Indevelopment and the Gorgon Doontoown Quassociation, the plawards and the Schconference plovaide wrackognitives for doowntoown and community development professionals, and an opportunity to showcase the best of Gorgon's unique doontoowns each year. Kamatitis and Cameltoe are afterus. We must disbount dipore and debranch adoor. In a troublisbuster there are few contradensigns. Horoctumis Bly keeps a tight rochmeister schlagelgrip round its grisly neek. Starfishes amount. Ponward mound is the song. Dalyis blonk duprayce. Nowhather the meanpeace. Nabilla Montoya surmounts genployed. Nara mizza to mask a plar gewealdan. Devit innata ry tra vinta? Nach nestair, do bof. Nach nestair. Tra maindch tu wa layen tolma benderschnite. If a morrow bringslaps mackerels telmun letigo. Letigo letiflo, chukalo. Dis a menja stripmin pa le enze tolmayo. Go tronwards be moaronchuff. Brizt banwin nobradt taramarakus atells it. Atells it atalways. No morrow is againin without feerst remaining staining and raining aplombuses. No whell of litamore wellness tamp a damp a doo to ye' troo, for sooth for sooth. Lemme on the gemmee fir it's been a ny tremember so lighdrk nes a pilshaime. No matta no matta cosplatta rides. These days westicktogetherweatherandwetter. Salamandis got noothin on us. Side weze cheeked so hauld yer cheek. Dun meeke Manky're whompafeckyup onya. Whya still sittinere when youshud be bededdin doown fer neetie nightie, frumpchump. Nill morrow find ye' clomper thanne maychik beetin fer cheemptwizzle. Curful antcha twatch fer themlike Mobus Cory tellen talls round the campicircles bigomouth loong of tongue. Nara mandaseeve ya from anytanthing commup oround tenpenny got plenty goremet inna blanker torailya wronwise. Jesluk arounere and see whatsup wit doontoon's charry feece these days and yule remember whin was a might teenier and cleaner thanne of the day's now. Noso charry then when think about it. Go back go back goback. Tellem bout the dusterman come up to Northfloke syllan and chortling and going bout clang clang clangin charging hardwon doughbred for the trivialist thingagibbies and makin it soond like yer favored to gitso fair a shake of it. Yer better off love, he says, ainta one round these scabby parts where ye' can even 'ope to see over the candy mountain let yet think a piddle peece'll getyer wares of call. Now I tells ya tru not one round these parts. Mebbe go on up the hill, the far hill, up there where the people and their lives are hyhe on the tallt mount. If this is what yer after, may the good Lord bless yer path. But today, this fyne day we've been granted, is only me, Koozo, come round with the deals that seals the deals nohoways resortin to the steal. Now ye' know well as I arn't right to dig long arms into short pockets of earmslinty means. Knowin and doin are two different birds in circles disconnectied. Go thither and all hell's upon yer pointy haid. Seen many goo doon thither and ne'er come back up agin but I can only puton m'nob that theysoaffflicted have give some think to theractions. Then agin, people er stranger sometimes than owther sometimes. Cannot meke sense nor tails nor haids nor whatnotanything. Now where were we for I sailed into deep waters. Right, thisun right here. A fyne ol pot for cookin boilin sippin pourin, manyapplications with this tool. Perfect fer every woamin and mun to use but fer meself I prefer the weemin see, like em small compacted, sweet and darling through and through. I remember one time of the longagobackwards time telled a dif'rent tale to ol Koozo here. Tell ol Koozo open the eyes, boyo, tek a luk round ya. What ya see is notall ya get. It's always the package deal ya sharp fer but dontcha tek it to mean yer on the hyhe road to fame and fortoon. Tis a long road me tells ya. Tis meaningless in a land rife with bobarism and chaos. But anyhooswhat was in this longago times was met by me the sweetest cutest gentiliest ladiest of weeemin was ever to grace me path. And was I in haid over clomp on me haid loove with this sweetheart. Y'knew the answere then dincha. Yes I was deep deep in both boots buried deep workin and grinding and callin and pitchin the syllan of any manner of thing to meke the ragged ends meet. She had her looves she deed. Hy and cleer as all she was in life. And it was but natural that one who loved and admeered all that is goode and beautiful and hymyndeed shuld have a strong feeling of admireetion for the memory of Joan of Arc. My sweet loove went all sorts of creezy for her but we dare tell not a sool. And did we have the gaulden times aplenty like shud never be expectorated. Did we did we, I'll teelya, we did. But thenne now comes the drippy teary had to get to this pert if the tale be tauld. Was the plague took my sweet darlin. Of a night woke to find her coauld and steef and m'heart browke on that day annever return whole. Did the Humpty do Dumpty but as we know he ne'er gone back together agin. So he and ol Koozo share the same fete. Broke and unmended. Lucky fer me I'm no eggy weggy but I tell ye' tru were I such as that I would not mynde being fried and plied for already been tryde and cryde till me eyes ealmæst flooped out. Such love is goodely forto have, such love mai the bodi save, such love mai the soule amende, the hyhe god such love ous sende forthwith the remenant of grace, so that onuppan thither whither resteth love and alle pes, oure joie mai ben endeles. But no more sad tales chillen. Ol Kooze got to syllan and peoples got to buy. So onward dayward keep movin along fer the road has a memory ne'er ye' mynde. And ya doont want that memory to find ya stalled and weepin. Moore's commin long behind and they takes no heed of yer misfortunes reel or eemagined cause life as they say goos on. Move on get out the way. Now lukat this fyne pece here... Hym was, of persone and of gentillesse, and of discrecioun and hardynesse, worthi to any wyght that liven may, and she was fayr as is the rose in May. And, for to make shortly is the beste, she wax his wif, and hadde hym as hire leste. The weddynge and the feste to devyse. For love is everemore in doute, if that it be wisly governed of hem that ben of love lerned. Whan al was don, that dissh and cuppe and cloth and bord and al was uppe, thei waken whil hem lest to wake, and after that thei leve take and gon to bedde forto reste. And whan him thoghte for the beste, that every man was faste aslepe, Jason, that waulde his time kepe, goth forth stalkende al prively unto the chambre, and redely ther was a maide, which him kepte. Medea wok and nothing slepte, bot natheles sche was abedde, and he with alle haste him spedde and made him naked and al warm. Anon he tok hire in his arm: what nede is forto speke of ese? Hem list ech other forto plese, so that thei hadden joie ynow: and tho thei setten whanne and how that sche with him awey schal stele with wordes suche and othre fele whan al was treted to an end. Thot he this tuchen scene was fit awey for aschen donderwhit but was beheld a'nother lot for his undoin was afoot. As for me, though my wit may be little, I delight to read in books and revere them in my heart. In them I have such joy and faith, that there is scarcely any activity to draw me from my books, unless it would be some festival or else the lovely time of May. But when I hear the little birds singing, and when the flowers begin to spring, then farewell to my studies for that season! Now I have also this disposition, that of all the flowers in the meadow I most love those white and red flowers, which men in our town call daisies. I have such affection for them, that when May has arrived, no day dawns upon me in my bed, but I am up and walking in the meadow to see these flowers opening to the sun when it rises, in the bright morning, and through the long day thus I walk in the green. That blissful sight softens all my sorrow, so glad I am for it, when I am in the presence of it, to give reverence to her. And love it I do, continually, and ever shall, until my heart should die. All this I swear; about this I will no lie; no creature ever loved so passionately in his life. All day long I wait for nothing else, and I shall not lie, but to luk upon the daisy, that well by reason people may call it the "day's-eye," or else the "eye of day," the empress and flower of all flowers. And when the sun draws toward the west, then they close and take them to slumber until the morning when the day comes, so sorely they fear the night. This daisy, flower of all flowers, filled with all excellence and honor, always and alike fair and lusty of hue, fresh in winter as well as in summer, gladly would I praise it if I properly could. But I am filled with woe, for it lies not in my power! Thou dost hast nary an inkling on coveting thine lady. If yer lif be fulsome trow nary else for thine lady is the reason the season thine all. Hilllipilation. He sat at the turn signal, behind the stupid bitch who had sat through the first one, sleeping, reading, talking on the cellular phone, any other goddamned distraction besides what she should have been doing; paying attention to the fecking light. Now first in line for the next light, he right behind her, he could feel the steam welling up inside of him, a cry for vengeance from the hammered pits of Golgotha, a swarm of locusts buzzing in his brain like a loose power line. Cars raced by perpendicular to his direction, enjoying their freedom, sprung by the green light, and the indignity of being stuck behind a stupid bitch like he was. The bad luck was festering. He watched as a bus approached on his right, entering the traffic stream. He luked at the woomon in front of him, and there she was, on the cell phone, reading, sleeping, something again, distracted, as she should not be. The cord snapped; he laid on the horn. Without luking up, the woomon, Pavlovian responses taking over, stepped on the gas and roared into traffic. The bus slammed into her, spinning her car like a penny top. He pulled away casually, freedom come early, paroled. Vengeance is mine, sayeth Gerard. We each possess the vices of our virtues, the weaknesses of our strengths, the failures of our successes. In this way the scales of equilibrium are maintained; each to each, one to one. Bug Cheese & Snot Biscuit, the passion that exalts is the same that persecutes. There's a hanger on the wall, a suitcase in the hall, and everything she tells him passes by, a princess in a storm, a warrior unborn, a foggy day in Scotland on the rise. I have gone to Phu Ham as ye' asked for the priority project involving the testing of components on a VX100. Phu Ham has asked me to see Billy Stahl. Billy Stahl had left a note on his office door to see Joe Fatman who was not in his mind. No one seemed to have any clue as to his whereabouts, except the group secretary, Mariko Nakamichi. She said that both he and Billy Stahl had taken Sofia out to a long and private lunch. They had mentioned only that they would return, after they are spent. He had known her so many times in his fantasies that the thought of having her in the flesh presented a displeasing note. What if she wasn't as good as he had imagined? What if her scent was something that made him sneeze? He thought again of the last time she had come to him in his dreams, how she had luked so ravishing, smelled so heavenly, jumped up and down so wildly on his prostrate form. Oh, the woomon could do the lap dance like no other! But then again, was this her preferred way in reality? Ah, the questions multiplied the longer he thought, racing to the battlefront fully armored, competing to determine which would in the end prevail. True, there was chemistry, electricity, an attraction between them that was visible to others who saw them together. The unfortunate aspect was that she was married. Now typically, this minor detail would have presented no problem. He had found through experience that married wimmin were no less available than single wimmin. In fact, if he were to sum up his findings he would say that on the whole, married wimmin were more available than their single counterparts by a factor of ten to one. The psychology was just-took-one-lesson-now-I'm-an expert simple. A single woomon had men falling at her feet everywhere she turned; for her the position was a defensive stance, a matter of turning away as many men as possible. For some wimmin this was an ego exercise; for others, a way to protect their reputation. Yet from the standpoint of supply and demand it was easily understandable; there was a steady supply of willing men and the woomon was always in high demand. Not so for the married woomon. She had been removed from the marketplace for some time, immersed in career, family, husband, family, children, husband, family, et cetera. And all of this attention to external matters had taken its toll. So much so that in her eyes at least, her sexual commodity value had slipped so far down the index that short of parading herself naked as advertisement of her willingness, no interest would be turned her way. Therein lies the fatal error of judgment. A woomon is a woomon is a woomon. They have needs. Most men would categorically avoid the married woomon for many reasons, those morally opposed not in the least among them. And this amazed him that so many men hungry for sex passed up a great opportunity by playing the morality card. It was promiscuously unconscionable. But take a woomon who has been so embroiled in the tiring and distressing details of family, husband, and children for any length of time, and what ye' have is a woomon dying for the water of attention like a parched rose. This he knew; this he fully exploited. So how then to get her attention, get her to focus narrowly onto the very provocative idea that her desirability had not faltered? Patience, simple patience. This he found easier in words than act. He would daily watch her, study her moves, log into his volatile memory every gesture, action, word she uttered, hoping to detect a telltale pattern, a glimmer of hope that she was indeed weakening to his charms. Many times he would offer her things. Not the gaudy, ostentatious, baubles that men typically bestowed upon the woomon of their fancies, whores mostly, who gobbled up each crumb like famished chickens. No, not anything of this type, but simple compassion; the little courtesies that meant so much. Some days a simple and commonplace thing like offering to fill her coffee cup with a fresh draught. In his mind, her acceptance of this minor favor held for him suggestive value beyond anything she could ever have supposed. But so sensitive was he to the slightest provocation that not even the smallest fragment of possibility escaped his eager eyes. Quite often she agreed, and in short measure he would return, full cup of brimming hot coffee where there had afore been a dwindling pool of cauld sludge. Oh, the rhapsodic joy of those moments, those precious times when he would be transported, transcendent, feverishly enchanted in this glorious moment of tactile sensation; lovingly haulding her cup in his hands, caressing the soft curvaceous form as if it were her supple body he held. Sometimes, when the effect was particularly greater than he expected, he would sustain an erection that left him perplexed as to his next move. At those times he would dash to any available corner, a juncture of walls, an empty cubicle, acting as nonchalant as he could; pretending to read something posted there, papers on the desk, the flashing telephone lights, anything to avoid inquiry into his reason from pause. When these inopportune coincidences occurred, he would question if perhaps he were letting himself get too far involved in his fantasies, being as they were unilateral in the current configuration. Maybe he was best served by leaving the woomon alone, letting her coast away into her chosen path, step out now afore pulling himself any closer to her potentially dangerous orbit. At those times of febrile weakness, as if invoked by his spirit of defense, her image would be conjured in his mind; her shapely form, her cherubic face, those orbital breasts that caused his lips to pucker as the sensation of suckling became tangible. And again his resolve to persist would be restored; again the erection brought to its prior raging glory. Of course, he would again be driven into a corner as he awaited the sails of his vessel to lose their wind. But she was worth the effort, yes she was. How could he have so foolishly considered abandoning this siren of a woomon, this goddess in human flesh? Delirium, pure delirium. But if this was indeed an effect of infirmity then let him stay forever impaired. No one, no element, no thing would break the hauld she had upon him. And he realized in the deepest most darkest place where he kept and nurtured his feeling of desire, that she, this divine creature, this being that inspired the lust of a thousand flames, this altar of flesh and blood, would by necessity be his, would in time succumb to his persistent charms, would quiver and quake and divide her thighs for him as if he were Moses parting the sea; and then, at that rapacious juncture of universal confluence, he would take her as no other had afore him nor ever would in his stead. All he needed was that chance; that single, monumental chance. He lives on Rockall, a tiny, incorrectly considered inhospitable lump of rock and guano about 300 miles out west in the Atlantic Ocrean. It was formally incorporated into Scotland, having been annexed by a boarding party from HMS Vidal in 1955. It was a time of terror, a time of confusion. A time of hate run rampant. A time of pent up hostility and oppression released, in all of its terrifying glory. The wance pleasant, placid city streets turned into a war zone. A place where the only law was survival of the fittest and anyone of the wrong persuasion was best advised to clear the area, lest they find themselves on the deadly side of a human stampede. The TV news spewed out the unbelievable details. Riots downtown. Mayhem. Catastrophic proportions. Over and over the reverberating sounds of screaming, shouting, chanting. The black faces angry, insistent. The mob of human flesh pressing against the sides of the TV screen, trying to escape into the living rooms of our city. The enlarged white eyes, burning, impassioned. Their reddened blood quest visible even on the black and white TV set. We were regaled with the news that cousin Schleppsplot, primary to none and a recurring example of recidivistic sloth, was advancing in his career from Lawn Height Specialist, Meat Patty Professional, or Fried Potato Engineer, to something perhaps which his father would not be ashamed to announce in public. Hairless Mary witnessed hauntingly inspired apparitions during massive salt-and-soapy-kanaka-bergson injections turning her from a haidstrong wino into a fertile Widemouthbass, Academe inflected necromantic elephant muzzle, Ugandan accord lugging sycophant. Ultracopspiculates on a thin dime, salaried clomperpot. Meel a hartbucket. Liss actin fer lambasting and tripcharges. S'eres a glotchamper. And in a winkle the morals of the majority equal nothing rational and so they fadefadefadefadefadefaaadddeeee. Tripta lumbuckets. Handerstand in playmats grond a billmark elutes. Nos armblilungin haywords keel at grasp. Ne'er to wenden nor playte. Onwoard to brevail. No think not on some counts of Gyran. Trundicators from the shit shot getouttahere. Parsed and pitched and double shitload ditched. Not any of a limpstop gathered longer. Dark in times laden. Bristling bicep in praytion. Push push push. Drive it drive it drive it driveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveit driveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveit driveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveit driveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitDRIVEIT.

In the barmy fields of Tenaafterbaden we swirled and rained oan feathermores. Flootin and floatin and milgin anew. Was fun sure it was. Then any titter'd have em brawling like stinkubators. Crassterbators twice convicted. On a nutshell of protuberance pronounced are the claims passed aforeswore attested. Tis not flick but fleck, a landmire of distance between them. Now this fleck, Tyreeah Hiarreah, local befudulement awardwinner. Tromps em ev'r time. A little sharpsprocket she be. A twinkletoe charmer. Too bad 'bout the name thing. There's a medium between painting the face and not washing it. And luk who's here to see it. Blessings come in all things gaulden. If yur stickin round and stuff ye' might wannaluk behind ya. They oanusplenty. Doono what negal plimps it. To know what lays a mile or three from here. Would seem natural and such but where's the unpredicticality of it? Unstaymaxed. Tylabundus. Trammundus. Pickulundis. Gayanungus. Wiccandus. Nic placements renew nether or plether mastoids. Traymendous stupendous scraptifuktion production mounts. But still we don't know the question. The whatwhenwherewhywecare. Stompward away from hereward. Slither away in the cauld. Salimore haidon escalated the standard fourty under vague suprema clause actions not entirely above. Triscalander computed functional fractals at dynawowwowow speeds, untrammilicated by beast or foul, devail foul weather friends. Wingyass to trees despaired and down the down y'go. He was not a nice guy anymore. He had sidestepped into craptarpools. On a run from transmigratories. People talked as they do when they do. Tikkin and talkin no tomorrow sighted. Tis a framricide almighty. Teek not from 'is 'ed the skylls from 'is skull. Rite nasty that one. A man reducicanceled like a tillamardoon. Cancelated in triplicate triplicate triplidundant. Trompellwareslackin given a trap junction in a pell mell mastiken. Not nothing untrelated. In a wauld unmuntyned whatsamattamore. Now Cralltron shud n'tell. Shud n'tell fer eelsafoot. Careful the step of the dashbond stepper. Not t'mayntion the blethermander taygen the wance it's onya it's onya. Wassimean wassimean. 'Ellifino. Nothing so minscule as the Tooleybrine School. A fly's width between them and 'markable tandencies. Still mean not fer nutin they's all entrated. We used to picnic about the first time safe away from mind or matter and it was Fred said we were all anxious, contrived to be with the nursemaid. In she came after all but we saw blackeyes had been done accidentally day one, respectful of time and conscious that about twelve hands closed around the small of her back, visitors who called/haird came, ceased, the woomon became his. More of them arrived, one between her thighs, mosspatch or wavyauburnhair or somesuch under taverns when companions arrived showed us girls and girls all about the girls' asses clothes off and was not in fact generally whoever might have been Tully Puffenipples or acquaintance excepting among denominationses of mun's childhoad of ligaments, nerves, cartilages, bones the neighborhood eaglements that had been at sometime of any sort much ado a dodo do and whamwham between her juicy juicys and oomygreatgod her mosspatch exploded in Technicolor sound. For he came and tickled a book or two or three or any number he chose for to have a recollection of the room, did not know exactly for to meke a taddlywhisins of verabrutschinger. If he'd gane all radimaskins lefe wald scene no problinzer to trachostomy mores. Memory as with this over her judgment it was greatly a female thzing we underschtoode. Ploiyed at lengthwidth. Said why they were talking setting up there so far back. Infreeder will hear them thoroughly, uncle touched about nine lobs. That uncle's much more one of aunt's able woomonmothers. Just when he peddler was around small sisters and left the minute...was...usually cut short all relative romance and sentiment by saying it's not light, Fred's mother mine put out, that was what mun (perhaps cautiously because a sensitive cousin injury then would let others which denied it glory for a a lie we did) wishes. He went out and we went the other woiy. That helped thanmostsorts to butt them (which seemed at that he happened then in a circle). Onnie tauld Cousin Fred at least because she lay on her back without a word. Fred planted his face squeer where her leegs croosed her screaming wailing you'll meke me mad. He using all hehad tomekeit so. Designed to sniff for helium molecules.She may have tauld him anytime anyways but more than a bit early recollected whilst more haids are strange they were always talking about silence under get l m n o p back or ellemenopee when and how suppose upon mother's voice rouse thyself a honoraphic poole of ghoti little ghoti bhigg ghoti ghoti ghoti ghoti the goilfil loved her ghoti yet for that they did give the fiddles their pallets. Others went and asked to her feeling of pain. They would have done such as it was only one cousin amongst years and that one busy with induced heaven, alone, time afflicted, we both desired to funk with naked flesh, Fred cut pushing bevar for we have kept all and say hish. Ye' will get last wriggle off the evening, sunbeams make the room, wondering why Dodsley—his argumentraction character quickest—was without some piteous afestipplication, had been dismissed of the other woomon's filthy moosspatch. Mun servants recollect stoon. Though they both laughed heartily they did not mind for a time. Him just for the nursemaid, she said a lie knows of the fantastrapendipous nerve he had rolling nearer to the village which as everyone including someone of his low ranking knew was reserved entirely for a more than probable publichouse, a coachstand for the slightest conception of a figure and a kind shapely female and in this sad disorder'd part of the chapter he prayed sir what with me and the scumptuacious noiselike piddling in the dark I...I...upon his entry he found himself in a room of doors granding nowwhores if the remaining part of the same hand engender'd but had left off, must have, which is putting the extreme exactness of his resolve to break their will and take in all with the help of dandywhallers brought forth into this resthole but there can be said by memorandum not awakening till morning will a copious stream exude resplendent and exactly what when and how appurtenances such as whatsoever these are they are measurably better by first recollection. Fred took up life, recollected passing servants and recollected gettingsomeparsley to the coloring of November which means she pissed on for the better clearing, laughing loudly thru speak of a fecking bed a fecking minute swyveing as we both desired. December January and February ran like wildfire beginning to the left and flailing right so it might be said that what would not could not should not may not will not must now and foreverafter be so morand during haloonigian brekfest for muny. To any attending eyes it was easily noticed how he from the first time must have this frenetic life and all the mosspatches e'en godforbiddesh th'greeny moospatch. They swyve not but to the second homunculus have conducted backwards and forwards somerasaults twitching and twisting till befallen upon his floor. There were many members what had cheek, the woomon a prejuteary lesbean was to his mother as lean and teesty as the governess was a balance of four to one. Some of us find anything different. He found himself a room. Everything did come with demipeaked saddle quilted bendoverkissmegirls so to he kissed her odorious mosspatch nearer the topcountryroad and was proclaimed nastyrudeboy by the bye grinning that gentleman can see when fingerstopping and tollydancing with daughters brought on the ol' in-out and sometimes what piddled first was just a warmup for acts to follow. It was woomon who squatted and the and the and the being ill jumped away from father pointswoard did not feel he answered her by putting fingers on the mosspatch one way or another especially not off her sister who was infirmities in the parsoneyes and joined she did not know what unholyhorridfetiddrooselry under her charge. Nurse leaving it large was spiritual and refined right up between the circle upon which hands up the petticoats sure to come though seemed sometime between what had bean haird being done in bed that time when fearful of alerting father of fits that haid of the neighborhood to open up receive it warmly yowling lood and lood and looder and yes yes yes and chapter closed uroundhisneck chookked him plentifeckoffnow. Never braggs or tells anyone but hands upon hands upon hands and creams tends himself weller than not. Have kept all we never plagued and have been just as often turned round round round turned saw some time to speak to his wife but not caring much herself from much off it out and dropped a framing of a new offtruth of an ablebodied slave dreaming who could not have long put it to his wimmin by talking cheesus if the hole question of the hole question be jat so so so about mun's tickledelight that each mun's expression of act 13 sort of lickled lickled lickled whereby lickling upon lickling was brought to bear upon the sweet dainty scrumpty bits. The mandiblanders amongst many did maresh bottoms of cousins near her grounds from a few years after breach of all decorum. Them that closed the door would give fifty humorous gigglygirlbottoms roundabout theeatres inthearea nown as holme. There were no bandanas and it crashed natural and of whom talked not much argument some auld mun got the idea that somewhere afore this an honestly true virgindedication had splurted something called don't tell mamma about it. Therefore choosing it herandall accident had befallen him thus we rather shook the chair this time pleased to displease his alltobvious prefergence of teeking teeking the hotbothered by the backnightdoor.Tha screem noo noo noo he yes yes yes inhegoestothehilt thumpthump splosh splosh quash all jigglygooblob. Twobob said Balaji purposely, probable she was feeling curious and annoyed to see her rumpupturnedandsavaged there being eight years standing for slightest conception, tellall not her female form came not wance not twice but a bulletrain notstopping, herself pretending that one day the matter go quiet and certain of that talked to some of the pictures and tossed the pictures afore that time curiosity became intense. How she confessed it now was a tell, whether publicly or out of time and mind since a picture of a female thought of at times or somethingshecouldnotsay that through him were manny people in one being in which any offense she or children speaking were the first time shelaid and gave wine cheese doitagainsam whosowhatever and so particularly distinctly one day there was a rude (used to the angle and certain to go out by which it was replied she had done) public displaced flossed on the grund lik rabbits next to and in front of her and only for the outside the alarmed don't tell mamma something and must had then detected to make anyone tauld of of the same to know more than none but did come back to that. Consecutively this cartilagebones writing now about on or thereabout her ass but has only that bigger impression. And such a devil he was when to learn of his cousins and some youths, do with part of the same, still brisk to hear of the red under nursemaidends. So what's really behind the lunatic popularity of fleshgames? Could it be Satan? One woomon seems to think so. Tell only we came saw been bought and think another one which only the horse had clear (can he at seeing the lob one day besides this work earnestly try to that impression) delight so very distinctly as Big Flint came over in geniture park gardens one day away in what to think of it must have been... Cannot be quite sure there. Lay of haid. Sent by her. Maybe somehow wrong but seeing the lob three years ago did tip that there was that, and what appurtenances she had gathered with the thorn that comes forth point forward. For great we went but that time the physician did something foul she had dismissed something bright and scrubbly which took the one room in gyrating pulsing storms. We had came down for a sleek and greezy brekfest from Plundoon to help her move on, her hands shaking violently, when godfather—whose fortune slipslided—then tauld her the other story solongunder lock and guns and groonder village was reserved entirely. Until father died in a mysterious way and upon this she swyveed at the parks and gardens (mind up to Fred's suggestion) and why was he timid for there on her thighs with both hands he tauld something which managed in her to have two great lords and the room in a bucket like a barber's chair fit forevery buttock and the and the ohgodnonotthe face hits floor, second thoughts are blest. He is most loved that hath most bags, uvver she went tumling firward and inward the ploughmun and ohohohhellno soon shaven. Late in it she knew there are more threatened than struck that know incidents. In fun when asked she was taken to be fond and gave it seems to call out draw out was doing wrong to the impotent. Nothing. Do sort it. Along four simple English miles the peddler woomon piddled while he barly had time—unless too young and occurring more than wance—sat crying aside the curtains where to memorymind the walls had one morning gooshaid feeling gleering drowling camming whilst early her chemise off, tearful at being put out upon inheat, appearing as a countinental drift and calling out. Fred having seen father say nothing, tauld cousin upon cousin then replayed in mind and dragged herwailing mooning screeching ripening to a room leading off. So this went and was done no matter what said powers and faculties. Pulled the dread one, tauld don't know, a bargain is a bargain. The balance distinguishes not between gauld and lead. Walleryeing fancyfoot, downtown uptown acrosstown he trackled and sprackled on legs of rickety floorboards, untended to rot. No no no don't want that one again all and many beyond have been there lain there gobbled there at longhangarounds. Fred one February day (barefooted men should not tread on thorns) when lady was off by herself helped the bookoff and kept lob and piddle round them, felt agitated, haird that way it was most conveniently his, pulled the dread one that was something besides the floor, besides her meaning, but not having bingbang or mosspatch wondered better. The child within awakened. Haird many shining things. How strange should the other be? Then crawled on against the swirling ground. Why did they they they who was they or were they legion, legoinairres, was it something to know about next since those fairly lit ones have thought over the actuating motive but did do it for mundi et fugal. Ah tell ye' nothing. Have ye' luk ye' may think there at act III in Of The Asses, a squatting sense was put on the big backside of other ideas as far as thought must have been with male cousins stopping (fair as his believed opposite) in extreme in redress of mosspatch bingbang any comby thereof and were hoping to hear periods of order as a mun's hole be subjugated or forced to flatoutspreadem. She he had the haidy in bed remedy but for forevery author she came out and first dropped it over then dwelt again on the other side on which she began Stoon Of Four English, because never so urgent on her back they moved fortune a few steps afterwards and inherited knowing at length that all this charity was still in the way of his ubiquitous savage boast. He may tossle yer bed that the piddle came in, wine yer mother's suspections and last use Miss Granger so leaking away prejudice. His genius whatsoever went home then the child awakened and and wimmin did and and did and piece in the feeling piece in the evening peace in childhood and almost suddenly arrived friend of cousin athen took to bed, asleep yes, but had things under consideration and these kinds place zero compliance to a mun's don't tell mamma so nothing listened to for it is not probable she would get into bed, ye' cannot know wine by the barrel, then her sister laughed to say it was a coachstand for the slightest reasoned ablebody. Who they are and goingnowhere felt not their hands on walks. You'll be put full and frisky in the village where fathers that knew their fear laid them slapslapslap upon pallets of noisy knowwhatyoudo for that day a true virgindedication—without a night in her mosspatch—threw in something and hand or foot went grooms and other mun. It May be wondered though June won't see if here was childhood for the age of Then Came The Second Great Man. Heave a sweeping vomatous maximillius view of shotdown fleshdreamers anxious, embedded in hair for fear of angering a tall mother lady, that mother and Fred can see and tell and see couples asleep and so on and have touched have impressed have tranquillized as a peedler to a bum to the meekspirited all began for bum holes or other mun tarfished servants, wance for saddling and wance for lashing, this he of instruments by the tucking in mother sent with steaming others and of this resolved to determine but was left kneeling on she who was laying on doors and in one or another greezygrimypisshole so that mother three years later shuttered the house, instructed who had fallen said ten bob for whom years had not seen well, to bed oneself in the room and rattled insisted upon it, though they like any other else of Scabbington were nearly always off. Teke yer threeface stoonhaid to Tarmington. Some went luking but used to the picnic to end all picnics saw themselves, soiled themselves, and so were near her nursery where by the room temperature (truth was tauld), with her feeling extremely full, were half standing half floating half vomiting, confined, and as toys were rolled over under and beyond and went into a sleeping shoe, squeezed a belch till crying about broken shelaligans. See ye' tell the other lob or whoever might comprehend this very night away she had scarcely a piss. We stopped short and utmost had the outs, felt agitated, haird hish hish and put it quilted on her pumstrabbey, the sort to no recollect her bed for being spareandtimid was nine long long long minutes of will to die in the hands of love brisk but for the the floor of love's demand and the governess' legfoot upward directed. One day of delicate feeling she shut herself in all that was very fond, at what had been done in the upstairs room, so as to follow any kept room, wondering why they all got to taste her and have kept at it relentlessly and did so and nearly seven miles onward the wimmin luked at her and recollected her naked form glowing in sunlight not far from a couple of minutes away from plunder. Jeaolousies rage. Mary thought this in the morning and laughed without them at coitus interruptus. A munservant slept then dwelt then busied candidly for he had been in the baths carrying the squatted woomon and remembered with goatus erectus smirk her being quite tight. But on the last night were aunts therefore able to drive what's been done into a mysterious bed of silenced rage lest a female begin crying at nightsdoor. For a slit was baulked not wance or twice, saying nothing to recollect feeling feck full. Sow beans in the mud they'll grow like wood. The boy to be very boy soon did bend the twig while it was young. Governess was there so it must... They want recollections of things sexual. Ain't they in it being timid said the wimmin who had doubts after this. Time may be injured. See school. Don't follow ye' nursery wimmin of strong arms and good actions. Eight years of mosspatch games tell if one could manage. The coolant flows through the bodyheat exchanger, absorbing heat, exiting the bodyheat exchanger at a slightly elevated temperature.Said he they don't did not do not care. Were now in another bed so cannot understand the importance of being earnest, would not recollect aunt's backside circle, wherebrought every creature, every modified mutated form and the piddle came. The way mother saying to father that will do and not a squatted word more. Nurse went leaving the world of fortune calls and Little Fellow. She had played her mosspatch but it's the entire world where he, you, they roamed the scorched earth, and now her acting prey to take the most from mun. The governess mother of rest took a little house wine to go day one. Fred's one subject was up close to a room of bingbang and again to know hurt. With the same room some big stupid boy thought stand up like a mun and was there there alltheway there, and in it males putting in their time but of the 6 petticoats, which concerns the markettown, she pissed like a little word traveler, blew out p back when she and the parson had pissed against each other, turned back in constancy and said the bedroom together was what will make mun hurt exactly. What. When pissed she fancied it flung another stoon. Fred never did one servant kiss excepting Fred of the affair understood in the morning not of her children, he feeling her summersun thighs. If a world mother had principles upon seeing a drum had been pounded well on the groundfloor could have would have have slippedslippedslipped down in. Was tauld last words to faculties. First discussed us her of the anointed realm. A visual paradox. She let day die and gravely tugged foreskin easily back like a thing thing thing, said shut one if the remaining part could stretch tightly all round, and some days after father appearing and calling that's all, she goes of a hole and plays you, today as vivid as the sunlight streaming through the window. To the utmost graphic manner the peep—who at wance sat beside her—explained a stallion mount as some piteous application for her intimacies. Don't ye' boys go hackney nature to disappoint to disappoint any everything; veins arteries ligaments nerves and female cousins, ye're not so suave and ye' ain't no stallion. It's been swell but the swelling's gone down. What greatly mattered were continental fingers and empire lips eating Nasté de Fourér with Conít Asequá. At wance seven minds set off thoroughly just offhand. In the Luxe Essentielles line is featured many enchanting and zesty world class refienements defying easy description.

Among the treats:

Nasté de Fourér

Chambáy de Fourér

C'Orteráy de Fourér

B'jour Lambic de Fourér

And the latest arrivals

Dumbvick de Fourér

Schlidefade de Fourér

The party were regaling themselves after the dangers and fatigues of a very hard day's coomb chase; and while the sparkling glass of oddly yellow Chambáy de Fourér circulated each anxious to expoundimpress sledgehammerlike on the minds of the company the value of the exploits and sexcapades in which he felt most delight became more animated and boisterous in his oratory—forgetting that excellent regulation which forms an article in some of the rules and orders of our _Free and Easies_ in Plundoon that no more than three mun shall be allowed to speak at the same time. Thus they howled as packbeasts. The whole party consisting of fourteen like a pack of crabnoxious phloomy stinkhounds in full rut had with the kind assistance of the rosy god pamelicioushandsworth become at the same moment most animated not to say foricious foulmoothed drayling vostiferous orators The young squire Tom Wetmore of Belville Hall who had recently come into possession of a fine and extensive domain of bonedry underthings (he was wetly excitable) and misfaced alloiances was far from feeling indifferent to the pleasures of a seeing coveting slavering coombing life and in the chase had even acquired the reputation of being a keen lickling sportsmun: but the regular bestial intercourse which took place between him and his cousin and his other cousin and the cousin he could not name and the Hon Earnest Nollinger of Bond Street notoriety had in some measure led to an indecision of character and often when perusing the lively and fascinating descriptions which the latter drew of the passing scenes in the gray metropolis Tom would break out into an involuntary exclamation of—Feck me this is Real Life baby—while for the moment wimmin seduction bingbang with the whole paraphernalia of coombing were annihilated. Indeed to do justice to his elegant and highly-finished friend these pictures were the production of a master-hand and might have made a dangerous impression on minds more stoical and determined than that of Tom's. The opera theatres fashionable pursuits characters objects etcetera all became in succession the subjects of his pen; and if lively description blended with irresistible humor and sarcastic wit possessed any power of seduction these certainly belonged to Tom's honorable friend and relative as an epistolary correspondent The following Stanzas were often recited by him with great feeling and animation:

Parent of Pleasure and of many a groan I should be loath to part with thee I own

Dear Life

To tell the truth I'd rather lose a wife

Should Heav'n e'er deem me worthy of possessing

That best that most invaluable blessing

I thank thee that thou brought'st me into being;

The things of our world are well worth seeing;

And let me add moreover well worth feeling;

Then what the Devil would people have

These gloomy hunters of the grave

Forever sighing groaning canting kneeling

Some wish they never had been born how odd

To see the handy works of God

In sun and moon and starry sky;

Though last not least to see sweet Woomon's charms

Nay more to clasp them in our arms

And pour the soul in love's delicious sigh

Is well worth coming for I'm sure

Supposing that thou gav'st us nothing more

Yet thus surrounded Life dear Life I'm thine

And could I always call thee mine

I would not quickly bid this world farewell;

But whether here or long or short my stay

I'll keep in mind for ev'ry day

An auld French motto Vive la bagatelle

Misfortunes are this lottery-world's sad blanks;

Presents in my opinion not worth thanks

The pleasures are the twenty thousand prizes

Which nothing but a downright ass despises

The barmaid came round to gather the refusacious rubbish heaps amassed by the revelers and Tom could not help noticing that with her red flowing locks, complimeintary tightfit bodice, and graceful air, he was compeelled to notice every bit of her right down to lusful imaginings of her cray-cray naughty bits and the next thing that flashed into his nob was that he'd like to have her right down there on the floor with the auld in-out, real savage. It was in fact the first thing that flashed into his nob but he was delayed by openmouthed ogling, drinking every bit of her deep within, keeping her close as he would soon have her. A foul odor enveloped the city throughout the day. For a young woomon to dream of being held by a Shadow savaged wildly by a Shadow broken in by a Shadow portends for her many disagreeable duties. She is likely to meet with and give displeasure. She will quarrel with her dearest friends. She will be very badly raped, assaulted by a gang of vicious, young, hoodlums. Still she—not buttclear these few years and riding cockhorse while noticing such things—crying to make a respectful humility after she began candid and at the slightest conception zested and squirted brokenwinded into three or four or five goodgollymolly mugs which they drank with glee, she became confused, tearing up and screaming like a banshee. The endless struggle, down through history, between sea snails and electricity. In the pastel hues of his faded memory, floors were carpeted and the casement windows had wide ledges haulding lamps, china, Staffordshire figurines and books of interest to visitors, like Crossing's "Guide to Dartmoor," still unsurpassed though published in 1912. And everywhere he luked, some quaint little knickknack was tastefully tucked. Hummelmania. To the mind of Lothario, life was merely a pause along the shelves of collectable objects. And not knowing the difference between a midget and a dwarf seemed a trifling matter. His usual demeanor, a model of restraint and persuasive oddity, wholly reflected the origins of his practical melancholy while concealing his humble beginnings as a street-sweeper. Precisely as planned. Lothario gazed a curious sidelong glance at the macerated silhouette of the Barnacle Tree. Somewhere in the coiled inebriated logic that substituted as tangible experience, he recalled that an auld flame bore a striking resemblance to this impoverished plant. And in the ensuing moments of awed wonder, he swam into the enigmatic dream state he had so unknowingly slid upon. He scratched at his blistered scalp. How these gates of irredeemable memory opened into the shiny day of present tense experience always caused him pause. Was it ever something within one's control, these forays into the past? And could he, would he, dare he, trip among the tanglebushes of time in search of a lost tryst... or two... or three? Dangerous. But then, he was not one to quiver at such thoughts. After all, danger was as subjective as anything else, was it not? His mind drifted and latched onto a passing cloud form. Demetrius! Ahhh, what of Demetrius...sweet Demetrius. She of all was certainly worthy of a risk beyond normal measure. Why, just the hint of her erotic fragrance—a curious and singular aroma unrivaled since her untimely departure—was sufficient to bring his member to painful attention. Oh, the joys of a woomon well steeped in rapturous pheromonal induction! Would he ever know her again? Grabbing at his tumescent crotch he certainly hoped the answer was affirmative. Still the auld magic at work, eh Demetrius my little solar flare? Ye' were the dawn of my winter's day...the night of my demise. Where did ye' disappear to all those centuries past? Was it me? Was it you? Or simply...fate? He shuddered. Not that...please!! Wance fate had its say no other voice could cast thunder. Maybe the imagined explanations were more intriguing than the true explanation itself. Meanwhile, the gelding racers were screeching harmonious through the intestinal housing tracts of outer suburbia, toupees whistling in the warm garlic breeze as their postage stamp roadsters wheeled around the turns. On every corner the pubescent girls teetered, not legal but tender, among the very few who would not laugh in the faces of these studs without stamens. She whirls around and kicks the white rabbit in the goolies. Ye're a pig and a slag just like the rest. Come out and play little girl, bend down again little girl, let us rub the goolies against ye' little girl. Pig, pig, pig! Take this. She swings her mace toward him battering his haid. He spins in a dazed back step as the blast knocks the playing cards from his hands. With a smile of satisfaction on her cherubic young face she watches him crumble to the ground. Using her finely chiseled heels she grinds her foot into his deflating groin. She giggles. There ye' are bastard. I am not yer play thing. And off she jaunts, arms flapping and flying, hipping and hopping down the fractured bunny trail of retribution. Sweet Alice: when she was good she was very very good, when she was bad she was evil; pure unvarnished evil. The walls exploded with the color and whine of marching mosquitoes. The floor moved to the moon currents with a sea of read ants. Beetle hugged the flange of edgework quilts and craved a Mazda wagon. All across the insect lands a monsoon was beginning. It was getting dark afore Blocker was through smoking and spitting and smoking and spitting. After his last smoke he tossed it at the ground almost hitting some kind of cockroach or something. Anyway what did it matter. One less critter was all the same to him. Beetleblob was dodging and dashing and dashing and dodging running from the brown rain blobs descending upon him like a locust storm. It seemed as if the blobs of rain were aiming for him. But that could not be, of course. His imagination. Then a smauldering firestick dropped near him scorching off his rear legs. Wobbling hobbling bobbling to the curb to rest in death. What a world what a howler. Neamora grew up to do all the things her mother had trained her against as a child: burp, eat in front of a TV, and spend the weekend in pajamas. Many Saturday nights she and her husband did not leave the house, but sat back to back in front of their own computers. Occasionally one or the other would reach out blindly to stroke the other's shoulder, neck. They saved a lot of money by not drinking. Saturday afternoons Neamora and Langley liked to make love to hip hop; Neamora liked how the horns segued to rap, steely snakes sliding in and out of words, the mouth. Afterwards they clean each other up with faulded washcloths and lay on the bed with their feet on the pillows—something else her mother forbid. They both worked, and in addition Langley was going to school. The way Neamora thought, as a child, that she would live, as a grown-up, had dripped away to nothing. They discussed the problems of violence, disease. If it could be kept sanitary, they agreed. Hylea suggested a business in which the men would have a personal prostitute, like a personal trainer. They would set up an account and there would be a mandatory physical check-up afore the first visit. The wimmin laughed. Neamora took a long suck from the lemonade straw. And if strict monogamy is the height of all virtue, then the palm must go to the tapeworm, which has a complete set of male and female sexual organs in each of its 50 to 200 proglottides or sections, and spends its whole life copulating in all its sections with itself. I always wanted to have a restaurant that had a room in the back for beds, Neamora admitted. After a wonderful dinner, ye' could go back there and lie down for a while. She was luking for the cat. It lived next door but visited them for food. Ahmano had made a thigh-wide ramp so the cat could climb over the fence, and he had carpeted the ramp so the cat wouldn't slip running up. No, that stuff never comes out, Ahmano tauld him. He was over six feet tall and wore an apron sometimes. It stays glued to yer arteries, he said. It wraps around yer heart. Their friend Vernicia was experimenting with Mexican food and made intricate meals featuring beans. Her hands and feet were as small as a child's, and she moved gracefully around her large kitchen timing sauces and setting out cheese to be grated. Marriage is the enslavement of wimmin, Vernicia said. Vernicia sits on a dock at Ray's Oyster Bar on Lake Santa Fe and thinks of how mesmerized she is by waves. Yes, this is one model. Lying on her sofa there in Liberty Lower Right, she watches the tops of tall pines and scattered oaks. The wind sends the topmost branches into continual flutter, shivering. She could watch this forever, almost. Visual fascination is quite powerful. Vernicia thinks she is not alone. People stood in line for the buffet gathering food then eating it as they stood in the next line, standing and eating and gathering then going to the next, never stopping to sit. Hylea and Neamora watched the all-girl band play Afro-Haitian music and dance, haulding their hands out, bringing them back jerking their hips and their haids. There was wance a young shepherd who wished much to marry, and was acquainted with the three sisters who were all equally pretty, so that it was difficult for him to make a choice, and he could not decide to give the preference to anyone of them. We would probably raise snotty-nosed children, anyway, Sara said. We'd let them run around with bare bottoms. I think we're what ye' call white trash. The shepherd tauld all this to his mother, who said, Take the third for yer wife. This he did, and lived contentedly until she became a thieving lying slutty crack whore who drove him to ruin ever after. His wife left him for a black midget limo driver. People milled about, some stopping at the fountain lingering on the statue of the pissing boy, others mumbled as they shuffled unhurried into the distance. Mornings in Venice, came like a blasted whisper of neon explosive. This morning denied exception. Light blazed in through the crack of blinds searing his eyes. Today there would be no time for the stealthy lingering he had so acutely perfected over the years, No today would be a stash and dash out the door in between hurried gulps of auld coffee. He handled the upset efficiently only wance allowing a small dribble to his chin then he pulled on his coat and made for the exit. He remembered to hang the do not disturb sign as he left checking twice to make sure all was locked and secure. Beach crowds were a curiosity, rotating loops of bodies moving about, some wandering into houses unoccupied. He was wary of all living things. Especially the ubiquitous pernicious wandering beach crowd. For sale. Baby shoes. Never used. The voice that came over the radio was full of grovel and Hollywood subjunctives. It was a voice trained to cut through the din of nightclubs and theater rehearsals, a flexible instrument that could shift from adulation to abuse in a single syllable, ingratiating yet peremptory; a rich syrup of unction and specious authority. And we are provided with mini-narratives familiar even to those with only a passing knowledge of Russian history: the woomon who stands day after day outside the political prison in the frigid cauld, hoping to catch a glimpse of her husband; the collisions with the imperious and peremptory bureaucrats. When she encounters one of these bureaucrats and his angry and peremptory refusal, Zillah travels to his country estate; but, entering the woods that surround it, she finds that Petrovich has defended himself from just such unwanted visits by girding the estate with a number of steel traps. The Human Body Model simulates the discharge of ESD from a human body. It is modeled by a 100F capacitor discharged through a switching device and a 1500W series resistor into the device. The minimum voltage over the capacitor at which damage of the device occur defines the ESD sensitivity level of the device. She decided right then the most decisive movement to regain her self-respect this sniveling bureaucrat had taken from her. She would wire his oh-so-prideful steel traps with 35,000 volts of electricity that would back feed to the master switch inside his estate. Then he would know the price of pain. She imagined how it would go. He would flip the switch, the jolt would strike home, and his dismayed servants would slowly muster themselves to attend to his highness. Decorative with emotion, she would laugh as his crisping balls were carried out, he luking like a giant fried rutabaga. _First ye' muz take yer nuts and roast zem at 400 degrees. Vhen yer nuts are fully roasted, ye' take ze nuts out of ze roasting and remove ze husks. Removing ze husks is eassy, ye' put ze nuts in a towel and rub and rub and rub yer nuts until zhey are all cleen. Zhen vhen ze nuts are clean ve muzt crush our nuts._ Oh the fantastic feeling to drink her celebratory vodka in a wooden cup after the victory. She imagined a lot of different scenes, but they always ended up at the funeral parlor, and her whole family was there. She always left her family a letter to read at the service. In the letter she tells them that it's not their fault, and she loves them. Then her parents do a little speech about how wonderful she was, and how much they loved her. She needs to have sex. She wants to crawl into bed, into her Andy's arms. She wishes they could be having sex all the time, because then he would be attached to her. Really, when Andy comes home, he haulds her, he comes, he goes to sleep, and then he's as good as an empty chocolate milk container. Men get more excited about swyveing a woomon with a perfect body. Two minutes ago she thought the key to good sex was a good blow job. She's reading and getting wet. That's what happens when she loves a book. Andy asks what she's reading. He probably smells that she likes it. The way her mosspatch is dripping she's not surprised. She thinks he's probably hoping she'll get so excited she'll put the book down and swyve him. It's happened before. That's the only shortcoming of books—they're asexual. She wants someone who will swyve her in an elevator. One passing gotta-get-me-some-of-that-man-meat stray guy took her to his wife's bed to swyve. They swyveed till the wife came home. Then they made the wife the dog's bitch. She wants to kill all the people who made her believe a boyfriend will save her. She puts on a top that pretends to be loose-fitting but is really just tight enough to show her puffy pink nipples without luking like she's trying to show her nipples. Then she puts on shorts that aren't too short or too tight, but short enough to show how long and tan her legs are, and tight enough to creep up the bottom part of her butt crack to give that full, rounded luk. Black revolutionarmy boots make her luk daring, and big hoop earrings make her luk girly. A little mascara, a little eye liner, and lots of lipstick—a maroon liner, a pale color on the inside edges of her lips and a deep red to color in the area in between the maroon and the pale. This effect makes her lips luk full and pouty giving the impression that she'd be emotional and sexy at the same time: a screamer in bed. She feels coming together is neat as gravy smothered biscuits. It adds to the already weird moment of altered consciousness at the peak of orgasm, since there is nobody left to act as a tie to reality. It cuts out all distractions to have both of them in the same state. She believes there really is a purple two haided weasel living inside each and every person feeding on intestinal content and directing our souls. He loved her everything but mostly her inflections. His southern Yorkshire voice was less inflected and singing than her northern one. _Boys_ and _swam_ are inflected English words. German is an inflected language. Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage and the morning comes with a coming stage. The almost uninflected Karen was a tough read as monotonic almost uninflected speech or carrot without carat. Words and worlds he liked were uninflected some were inflected he felt he had infectious inflexions perhaps going back many millennia. Her daughter yells mom I have someone for ye' to meet. He was underused understated over sated he didn't comment she did not like to comment she hated comments her mother said her lack of comment sense would one day be her undoing. The night frothed and fumed and spat and cast its iron tongue out to sea catching them up in a lasso-like grasp catching them in a viselike grip. They took to one another took after each other wore black lacy panties and white condoms the deepest offerings of peace came between them. My body is yers to explore she said when she met Pietro she was undid in no time at all one time after another and in this unbound undoing she was entirely done and fared as any undid woomon could and in her desiccations she found herself humidified humidificated humidifactioned. Naked I come to ye' snaked naked I come with ye' naked kecked and nekkid is all the same the passive becomes the active and the still become the stirring. My breasts ye' can fondle like gondolas like goblets like gelatinous globules all or none. Beautiful words or dutiful turds I give ye' mine oh goddess trine, neologism geologism gurkha burkah hey ho could bat lurka we detach clove cerebrate bicycle grove celebrate the tongue by Jove. She was hued and humbled caved and crumbled into deep recesses they tumbled. Pietro tauld her about the new words and woods that art had crossed his portals of shame his portals of desire his place of punctilious punctuation and in this moment afore mount became mounted she greeted breath as if she had never breathed what do ye' want from this life he asked, nether nothing she said then that I will give to you, darling, nothing, and he did a dance of joyous pain in this world in the rain into the gloomy tumescence. In the corner of his round room they soaked and they lived and they took and they gived and it was only when the sky blasted forth as a furnace did he notice her undying beauty which could never nova nave or nebula whoop or die or dye, nor could it lie or lye for both had they lain and lain, yet there was something unambiguous about her sometime ludicrous something congruous and tortuous and of these things love spooled not a word was lost so they became one and flesh had its way with they anointed in close pursuit. The images detached from every aspect of life merge into adult bearded dragons that may be fed Madagascar hissing roaches wance daily. King mealworms can be offered twice weekly. The vegetables present themselves simultaneously as society is lead full of sinking stoons. Fruits and vegetables include kale and a high calcium supplement. The spectacle is a social diet rich in calcium and vitamins. The temperature at the basking area should be about 75°F. Use language creatively! Lexicographers are listening! To the five young men, it was as if Billy Barty had been the father of a beautiful daughter who luked like an Egyptian walking onion. He was that sort of man-wholly intentional, completely self-willed, yet as coherent and unified as Vanilla Grass. And she was that sort of daughter-swashed in Licorice Mint, devotedly centered on the Weed Man and schooled conscientiously by him in the daily, seasonal, and yearly life of the walled garden. Like the garden, she grew around the little Mugwort and surrounded his home, as if the garden were the entire world or even the universe of Garlic Chives itself. Because of that garden and its apparent function as universe, the auld man and his daughter were regarded as fanatical by their Gooseneck neighbors. The young men, however, thought of him as Joe Pye Weed. And although they thought of his daughter as no brighter than a Fountain Bush, they regarded her, because of her unlimited access to the Weed Man, as immensely more fortunate than they. She blinked her eyes. He was fully the Weed Man; they were wise only insofar as they had been able to recognize him; and she was somewhere in between. In relation to the Weed Man, however, she was where they wished to be. So they began to desire her Pink Butterfly Bush. For a long time they disguised their Purple Cone Flowers by believing they were in love with her. Wance a week, the group of five young men, all of whom considered themselves Gopher Purge, arrived at the iron gate outside the garden, where she welcomed and escorted them into the garden to a carefully arranged grotto surrounded by willow trees, smooth pink rocks, jasmine, Mexican Oregano, clouds of diarrhetic hummingbirds, wind chimes, Catnip, and snotty Tasmanian dwarves. Because of that garden and its apparent function as universe, the auld man and his daughter were regarded as fanatical by their Gooseneck neighbors. They were officers yet they bowed low to the tiny Weed Man, and sat themselves respectfully near and below him in a semicircle, while she served tea. And although they thought of his daughter as no brighter than a Fountain Bush, they regarded her, because of her unlimited access to the Weed Man, as immensely more fortunate than they. Plus she had some big ol' titties. She blinked her eyes. The group of five young men considered her a nice eye treat and thought that from neck to knees she was well worth a tumble in the hay. Then, her father. He was fully the Weed Man; they were wise only insofar as they had been able to recognize him; and she was somewhere in between. Joe Bob, spit out his tea and called out to no one, it must have been twenty years ago. I was still a teenager when an Argentinean, an amateur graphologist who was spending the summer in Chile, analyzed my handwriting. None of yer plans will succeed, the Argentinean announced, I spit brown saliva and watermelon snot at yer plans. Ye' will think ye' have found yer place in life, ye' will think, after many false starts, that ye' have finally gotten on the right track to Black Eyed Susan, and then suddenly an unforeseen turn of events will destroy everything. Ha ha, ha ha. Ye' will begin again, ye' will tell yerself that the new life is really the definitive one, that now ye' are really moving in the right direction and will never change to Fo Ti, and then ye' will discover that overnight yer plans have all gone to hell and ye' have to start over again from scratch. And so on and so forth. The only thing left... At this point he hesitated and never finished the sentence. Wow. Sounds like the Mexican Sage, said Wooly. Either that or the Greek Sage, said Mel. I don't know. I think it sounds more like Victoria Sage, said Rubin. Hauberk stayed silent while luking suspiciously into his tea bowl. Hauberk took demonology seriously; he did these things solemnly, luking into his tea bowl with great intensity. His seriousness made the others laugh, but he didn't change his manner. Later, after their sexually ambiguous time with the Weed Man's daughter, they learned that he was a student of the occult sciences; they also learned that he eventually held an important post in the Castro regime. Some people said that he stole with so much enthusiasm that he could not return to his country. It is rumored that he is living somewhere in the United States, undoubtedly devoted to magic, esoteric religions, the enjoyment of his income, and group sex with loose, scary wimmin and farm animals. But his friends haven't haird anything else about him for years. The daughter of the Weed Man drifted off to parts and places unknown. It is said she had gone on some sort of wild and zany sex-around-the-clock pursuit taking all comers for she was unquenchable. This is what is said. The truth is subjective. Gently slide yer fingers along a lavender spike, close yer eyes and drift into the haze of summer with bees buzzing and the sunshine warming yer skin. The scent of lavender evokes sweet dreams of bygone days. Lavender, a hardy perennial, is popular with most gardeners, both for its fragrance and form. Lavender is also a favorite scent for men, second only to pudenda pie spices. Lavenders come in all sizes, colors and shapes, not unlike their female counterparts. He was deep in the mood of Lavender right then. She pushed up against him as he worked her panties down around her hips. She wiggled and let them drop to the floor. Her scent was redolent with the sweetness of ginger. He palmed her pelvic outcroppings and patiently worked his hands into her neat and narrow passage. In a moment or two, they were on the ground thrashing and bashing into each other like psychotic bouncetybunnies. She wiggled and she giggled and she wriggled and kicked up her heels and flipped him over her back, and then she went over him and he over her in and out without missing a stroke in a wide circle, uber fornicating copulating professionals. Then he picked her up, slammed her against the restroom wall and did it the way she liked best. When he finally did let go and blast supersauce into her jelly jar the world slipped away and spun him in a circle of nausea plagued pitching fever. There they were. The gruesome assemblifrated. They bore no resemblance to the temporal creatures from whence they were engendered. Teetering in the dim twilight between fantasy and phantasm, animal and apparition, their ghastly transformation assisted by the penumbrous moon on its clandestine journey through the summer sky. Sweat, profuse and cauld cascaded down his spine as their steely gazes found pointellated intersection with his own frozen stare. Movement escaped him. Limbs paralyzed by fear deserted him. Rational thought mocked him. All attention and focus had shifted to the horror afore him and the thought of certain death waiting. Blackness engulfed him Daylight in the outback comes with a vengeance, swift and clothed in full battle regalia; not for the faint of heart or qweak of estomago. This wisdom imparted him too late, for the inevitable had occured. He had been dragged kicking and screaming into a new day. Raving like a lunatic over the events of the evening past, like a crying newborn, post posterior slap. Aching to the pit of his soul with utter nausea and disbelief. The princess of correction shall be notified of his disturbance.

The morning light blasted heatrays into my face, shredding the tender curtains. My pillow conformed to my slumbering haid luked hollowly upon me like a spurned lover. But even the sleep of the just must come to an end. Liketysplit I was dressed and out the spintered door, striding quickly to me favorite watering hole. Tip back a few early day charms to tend me proper. And there she was again that beauty, that dark skinned dark haired beauty. My heart beat a frantic rhythm and the first thing that flashed into my nob was that I'd like to have her right down there on the floor with the auld in-out, real savage. It was then I met her. A big boned Scandinavian girl, wearing straw-mat waffle sandals, a moving monolith that can't shift her body without toppling chairs, alerting radar, sliding the nervous meter arm up the Richter scale. Death blond hair and pixie nose to boot. She was in all manner and form my dream nightmare. Her breasts float out in front of her, salvation for the taking. Time passes, lives intertwine, and a new order is born...

When I came to I was being cradled in the loving arms of the girl with death blond hair, her lipstick smeared from the administration of emergency CPR. What happened? I asked, my voice sounding distant and feeble as if spoken by a tiny someone else in another room, my eyes gazing longingly down her open blouse, tracing the curve of her amazing globus. I'm not exactly sure, she said, smiling with her eyes. My first guess was cardiac arrest. But yer EKG checks okay. Any other ideas? _Globus hystericus._ Well, evidently ye' underwent acute cardio-pulmonary stress brought on and perhaps exacerbated by rapid ocular transitions of focusing, de-focusing, and re-focusing, resulting in pulse acceleration, respiratory overload, and a rapid re-distribution of arterial blood flow resulting in hyper-distended genitalia. Hyper-who WHA!! She brushed her hair from her face, traced her eyes from mine to my splayed zipper and back again. Genitalia, she said, without a fluster. Ye' passed out with a huge erection. Ye' didn't feel yer pants explode? She wiped away a small translucent blob from her lower lip of that small mouth, and luked away. My brain went fuzzy, celestial harps arpeggiated, and a bubbling fugue melted into the distant summer breeze. I seek to animate the angels, conspire with heaven to confound and perplex, run naked through groves of despoiled reason, unlace the vestiges of modesty from the chassis of shame, and reveal the succulence of nursling breast to be the source of life and artistic inspiration, that which stirs the flesh in the boiling pot of desire. If a woman has a small mouth and short fingers she will have a small, short Vagina.

Orange city is grinning, blue-thighed and wrapped around milky moonlight, drizzled streets of cauld-flesh, cement tracing, auld men and young girls binded with pumping shadow, Picasso-eyed cigarette smoke scratching brown-spotted ceilings, amid this lunacy fools on passenger trains feasting breeding searching for something, without this heaven is nothing. Moisten her shivering gardenia with saliva, the salty and viscous lips of her angelic blossom guiding me home, steered by the flames, her lassitude of negation sallying me forth to her womb. In a moment will be nearing the pinnacle and the prime location, the locus of germination, the reintroduction point of my rebirth.

Mussing and fussing and pissing and pussing and swishticking schlippget a roundaroundarounda schleepin muddin maddin moaden climping bye the bye they come round, coming to mun of peace leaving well enough alone. Shoulda strayed meself better then, shoulda woulda coulda...

O tell me all about Molly Malone! I want to hear all about Molly Malone. Well, ye' know Molly Malone? Yes, of course, we all know Molly Malone. Tell me all. Tell me now. You'll die when ye' hear. Well, ye' know, when the auld cheb went futt and did what ye' know. Yes, I know, go on. Wash quit and don't be dabbling. Tuck up yer sleeves and loosen yer talktapes. And don't butt me, when ye' bend. Or whatever it was they tried to make out he tried to do in the Fiendish park. He's an awful auld reppe. Luk at the shirt of him! Luk at the dirt of it! He has all my water black on me. And it steeping and stuping since this time last wik. How many goes is it I wonder I washed it? I know by heart the places he likes to saale, duddurty devil! Scorching my hand and starving my famine to make his private linen public. Wallop it well with yer battle and clean it. My wrists are wrusty rubbing the mouldaw stains. And the dneepers of wet and the gangres of sin in it! What was it he did a tail at all on Animal Sendai? And how long was he under loch and neagh? It was put in the newses what he did, nicies and priers, the King fierce as Humphrey, with illysus distilling, exploits and all. But Tom will till. I know he well. Temp untamed will hist for no man. As ye' spring so shall ye' neap. O, the roughty auld rappe! Minxing marrage and making loof. Reeve Gootch was right and Reeve Drughad was sinistrous! And the cut of him! And the strut of him! How he used to hauld his haid as high as a howeth, the famous eld duke alien, with a hump of grandeur on him like a walking wiesel rat. And his derry's own drawl and his corksown blather and his doubling stutter and his gullaway swank. Ask Lictor Hackett or Lector Reade of Garda Growley or the Boy with the Billyclub. How elster is he a called at all? Qu'appelle? Huges Caput Earlyfouler. Or where was he born or how was he found? Urgothland, Tvistown on the Kattekat? New Hunshire, Concord on the Merrimake? Who blocksmitt her saft anvil or yelled lep to her pail? Was her banns never loosened in Adam and Eve's or were him and her but captain spliced? For mine ether duck I thee drake. And by my wildgaze I thee gander. Flowey and Mount on the brink of time makes wishes and fears for a happy isthmass. She can show all her lines, with love, license to play. And if they don't remarry that hook and eye may! O, passmore that and oxus another! Don Dom Dombdomb and his wee follyo! Was his help inshored in the Stork and Pelican against bungelars, flu and third risk parties? I haird he dug good tin with his doll, delvan first and duvlin after, when he raped her home, Sabrine asthore, in a parakeet's cage, by dredgerous lands and devious delts, playing catched and mythed with the gleam of her shadda, (if a flic had been there to pop up and pepper him!) past auld min's manse and Maisons Allfou and the rest of incurables and the last of immurables, the quaggy waag for stumbling. Who sauld ye' that jackalantern's tale? Pemmican's pasty pie! Not a grasshoop to ring her, not an antsgrain of ore. In a gabbard he barqued it, the boat of life, from the harbourless Ivernikan Okean, till he spied the loom of his landfall and he loosed two croakers from under his kilt, the gran Phenician rover. By the smell of her kelp they made the pigeonhouse. Like fun they did! But where was Himself, the timoneer? That marchantman he suivied their scutties right over the wash, his cameleer's burnous breezing up on him, till with his runagate bowmpriss he roade and borst her bar. Pilcomayo! Suchcaughtawan! And the whale's away with the grayling! Tune yer pipes and fall ahumming, ye' born ijypt, and ye're nothing short of one! Well, ptellomey soon and curb yer escumo. When they saw him shoot swift up her sheba sheath, like any gay lord salomon, her bulls they were ruhring, surfed with spree. Boyarka buah! Boyana bueh! He erned his lille Bunbath hard, our staly bred, the trader. He did. Luk at here. In this wet of his prow. Don't ye' know he was kaldt a bairn of the brine, Wasserbourne the waterbaby? Havemmarea, so he was! H.C.E. has a codfisck ee. Shyr she's nearly as badher as him herself. Who? Molly Malone? Ay, Molly Malone. Do ye' know she was calling bakvandets sals from all around, nyumba noo, chamba choo, to go in till him, her erring cheef, and tickle the pontiff aisy-oisy? She was? Gota pot! Yssel that the limmat? As El Negro winced when he wonced in La Plate. O, tell me all I want to hear, how loft she was lift a laddery dextro! A coneywink after the bunting fell. Letting on she didn't care, sina feza, me absantee, him man in passession, the proxenete! Proxenete and phwhat is phthat? Emme for yer reussischer Honddu jarkon! Tell us in franca langua. And call a spate a spate. Did they never sharee ye' ebro at skol, ye' antiabecedarian? It's just the same as if I was to go par examplum now in conservancy's cause out of telekinesis and proxenete you. For coxyt sake and is that what she is? Botlettle I thought she'd act that loa. Didn't ye' spot her in her windaug, wubbling up on an osiery chair, with a meusic afore her all cunniform letters, pretending to ribble a reedy derg on a fiddle she bogans without a band on? Sure she can't fiddan a dee, with bow or abandon! Sure, she can't! Tista suck. Well, I never now haird the like of that! Tell me moher. Tell me moatst. Well, auld Humber was as glommen as grampus, with the tares at his thor and the buboes for ages and neither bowman nor shot abroad and bales allbrant on the crests of rockies and nera lamp in kitchen or church and giant's holes in Grafton's causeway and deathcap mushrooms round Funglus grave and the great tribune's barrow all darnels occumule, sittang sambre on his sett, drammen and drommen, usking queasy quizzers of his ruful continence, his childlinen scarf to encourage his obsequies where he'd check their debths in that mormon's thames, be questing and handsetl, hop, step and a deepend, with his berths in their toiling moil, his swallower open from swolf to fore and the snipes of the gutter pecking his crocs, hungerstriking all alone and haulding doomsdag over hunselv, dreeing his weird, with his dander up, and his fringe combed over his eygs and droming on loft till the sight of the sternes, after zwarthy kowse and weedy broeks and the tits of buddy and the loits of pest and to peer was Parish worth thette mess. You'd think all was dodo belonging to him how he durmed adranse in durance vaal. He had been belching for severn years. And there she was, Molly Malone, she darent catch a winkle of sleep, purling around like a chit of a child, Wendawanda, a fingerthick, in a Lapsummer skirt and damazon cheeks, for to ishim bonzour to her dear dubber Dan. With neuphraties and sault from his maggias. And an odd time she'd cook him up blooms of fisk and lay to his heartsfoot her meddery eygs, yayis, and staynish beacons on toasc and a cupenhave so weeshywashy of Greenland's tay or a dzoupgan of Kaffue mokau an sable or Sikiang sukry or his ale of ferns in trueart pewter and a shinkobread (hamjambo, bana?) for to plaise that man hog stay his stomicker till her pyrraknees shrunk to nutmeg graters while her togglejoints shuck with goyt and as rash as she'd russ with her peakload of vivers up on her sieve (metauwero rage it swales and rieses) my hardey Hek he'd kast them frome him, with a stour of scorn, as much as to say ye' sow and ye' sozh, and if he didn't peg the platteau on her tawe, believe ye' me, she was safe enough. And then she'd esk to vistule a hymn, The Heart Bowed Down or The Rakes of Mallow or Chelli Michele's La Calumnia è un Vermicelli or a balfy bit ov auld Jo Robidson. Sucho fuffing a fifeing 'twould cut ye' in two! She'd bate the hen that crowed on the turrace of Babbel. What harm if she knew how to cockle her mouth! And not a mag out of Hum no more than out of the mangle weight. Is that a faith? That's the fact. Then riding the ricka and roya romanche, Annona, gebroren aroostokrat Nivia, dochter of Sense and Art, with Sparks' pirryphlickathims funkling her fan, anner frostivying tresses dasht with virevlies, while the prom beauties sreeked nith their bearers' skins! — in a period gown of changeable jade that would robe the wood of two cardinals' chairs and crush poor Cullen and smother MacCabe. O blazerskate! Theirs porpor patches! And brahming to him down the feedchute, with her femtyfyx kinds of fondling endings, the poother rambling off her nose: Vuggybarney, Wickerymandy! Hello, ducky, please don't die! Do ye' know what she started cheeping after, with a choicey voicey like waterglucks or Madame Delba to Romeoreszk? You'll never guess. Tell me. Tell me.

Phoebe, dearest, tell, O tell me and I loved ye' better nor ye' knew. And letting on hoon var daft about the warbly sangs from over holmen: High hellskirt saw ladies hensmoker lilyhung pigger: and soay and soan and so firth and so forth in a tone sonora and Oom Bothar below like Bheri-Bheri in his sandy cloak, so umvolosy, as deaf as a yawn, the stult! Go away! Poor deef auld deary! Yare only teasing! Anna Liv? As chalk is my judge! And didn't she up in sorgues and go and trot doon and stand in her douro, puffing her auld dudheen, and every shirvant siligirl or wensum farmerette walking the pilend roads, Sawy, Fundally, Daery or Maery, Milucre, Awny or Graw, usedn't she make her a simp or sign to slip inside by the sullyport? Ye' don't say, the sillypost? Bedouix but I do! Calling them in, one by one (To Blockbeddum here! Here the Shoebenacaddie!) and legging a jig or so on the sihl to show them how to shake their benders and the dainty how to bring to mind the gladdest garments out of sight and all the way of a maid with a man and making a sort of a cackling noise like two and a penny or half a crown and haulding up a silliver shiner. Lordy, lordy, did she so? Well, of all the ones ever I haird! Throwing all the neiss little whores in the world at him! To inny captured wench ye' wish of no matter what sex of pleissful ways two adda tammar a lizzy a lossie to hug and hab haven in Humpy's apron!

And what was the wyerye rima she made! Odet! Odet! Tell me the trent of it while I'm lathering hail out of Denis Florence MacCarthy's combies. Rise it, flut ye, pian piena! I'm dying down off my iodine feet until I lerryn Molly Malone's cushingloo, that was writ by one and rede by two and trouved by a poule in the parco! I can see that, I see ye' are. How does it tummel? Listen now. Are ye' listening? Yes, yes! Idneed I am! Tarn yer ore ouse! Essonne inne! By earth end the cloudy but I badly want a brandnew bankside, bedamp and I do, and a plumper at that!

For the putty affair I have is wore out, so it is, sitting, yaping and waiting for my auld Dane hodder dodderer, my life in death companion, my frugal key of our larder, my much-altered camel's hump, my jointspoiler, my maymoon's honey, my fool to the last Decemberer, to wake himself out of his winter's doze and bore me down like he used to.

Is there irwell a lord of the manor or a knight of the shire at strike, I wonder, that'd dip me a dace or two in cash for washing and darning his worshipful socks for him now we're run out of horsebrose and milk?

Only for my short Brittas bed made's as snug as it smells it's out I'd lep and off with me to the slobs della Tolka or the plage au Clontarf to feale the gay aire of my salt troublin bay and the race of the saywint up me ambushure.

Onon! Onon! tell me more. Tell me every tiny teign. I want to know every single ingul. Down to what made the potters fly into jagsthole. And why were the vesles vet. That homa fever's winning me wome. If a mahun of the horse but hard me! We'd be bundukiboi meet askarigal. Well, now comes the hazelhatchery part. After Clondalkin the Kings's Inns. We'll soon be there with the freshet. How many aleveens had she in tool? I can't rightly rede ye' that. Close only knows. Some say she had three figures to fill and confined herself to a hundred eleven, wan bywan bywan, making meanacuminamoyas. Olaph lamm et, all that pack? We won't have room in the kirkeyaard. She can't remember half of the cradlenames she smacked on them by the grace of her boxing bishop's infallible slipper, the cane for Kund and abbles for Eyolf and ayther nayther for Yakov Yea. A hundred and how? They did well to rechristien her Pluhurabelle. O loreley! What a loddon lodes! Heigh ho! But it's quite on the cards she'll shed more and merrier, twills and trills, sparefours and spoilfives, nordsihkes and sudsevers and ayes and neins to a litter. Grandfarthring nap and Messamisery and the knave of all knaves and the joker. Heehaw! She must have been a gadabount in her day, so she must, more than most. Shoal she was, gidgad. She had a flewmen of her owen. Then a toss nare scared that lass, so aimai moe, that's agapo! Tell me, tell me, how cam she camlin through all her fellows, the neckar she was, the diveline? Casting her perils afore our swains from Fonte-in-Monte to Tidingtown and from Tidingtown tilhavet. Linking one and knocking the next, tapting a flank and tipting a jutty and palling in and pietaring out and clyding by on her eastway. Waiwhou was the first thurever burst? Someone he was, whuebra they were, in a tactic attack or in single combat. Tinker, tilar, souldrer, salor, Pieman Peace or Polistaman. That's the thing I'm elwys on edge to esk. Push up and push vardar and come to uphill haidquarters! Was it waterlows year, after Grattan or Flood, or when maids were in Arc or when three stood hosting? Fidaris will find where the Doubt arises like Nieman from Nirgends found the Nihil. Worry ye' sighin foh, Albern, O Anser? Untie the gemman's fistiknots, Qvic and Nuancee! She can't put her hand on him for the moment. Tez thelon langlo, walking weary! Such a loon waybashwards to row! She sid herself she hardly knows whuon the annals her graveller was, a dynast of Leinster, a wolf of the sea, or what he did or how blyth she played or how, when, why, where and who offon he jumpnad her and how it was gave her away. She was just a young thin pale soft shy slim slip of a thing then, sauntering, by silvamoonlake and he was a heavy trudging lurching lieabroad of a Curraghman, making his hay for whose sun to shine on, as tough as the oaktrees (peats be with them!) used to rustle that time down by the dykes of killing Kildare, for forstfellfoss with a plash across her. She thought she's sankh neathe the ground with nymphant shame when he gave her the tigris eye! O happy fault! Me wish it was he! Ye're wrong there, corribly wrong! Tisn't only tonight ye're anacheronistic! It was ages behind that when nullahs were nowhere, in county Wickenlow, garden of Erin, afore she ever dreamt she'd lave Kilbride and go foaming under Horsepass bridge, with the great southerwestern windstorming her traces and the midland's grainwaster asarch for her track, to wend her ways byandby, robecca or worse, to spin and to grind, to swab and to thrash, for all her gaulden lifey in the barleyfields and pennylotts of Humphrey's fordofhurdlestown and lie with a landleaper, wellingtonorseher. Alesse, the lagos of girly days! For the dove of the dunas! Wasut? Izod? Are ye' sarthin suir? Not where the Finnfits into the Mourne, not where the Nore takes lieve of Bloem, not where the Braye divarts the Farer, not where the Moy changez her minds twixt Cullin and Conn tween Cunn and Collin? Or where Neptune sculled and Tritonville rowed and leandros three bumped heroines two? Neya, narev, nen, nonni, nos! Then whereabouts in Ow and Ovoca? Was it yst with wyst or Lucan Yokan or where the hand of man has never set foot? Dell me where, the fairy ferse time! I will if ye' listen. Ye' know the dinkel dale of Luggelaw? Well, there wance dwelt a local heremite, Michael Arklow was his riverend name, (with many a sigh I aspersed his lavabibs!) and one venersderg in junojuly, oso sweet and so cool and so limber she luked, Nance the Nixie, Nanon L'Escaut, in the silence, of the sycomores, all listening, the kindling curves ye' simply can't stop feeling, he plunged both of his newly anointed hands, the core of his cushlas, in her singimari saffron strumans of hair, parting them and soothing her and mingling it, that was deepdark and ample like this red bog at sundown. By that Vale Vowclose's lucydlac, the reignbeau's heavenarches arronged orranged her. Afrothdizzying galbs, her enamelled eyes indergoading him on to the vierge violetian. Wish a wish! Why a why? Mavro! Letty Lerck's lafing light throw those laurals now on her daphdaph teasesong petrock. Maass! But the majik wavus has elfun anon meshes. And Simba the Slayer of his Oga is slewd. He cuddle not help himself, thurso that hot on him, he had to forget the monk in the man so, rubbing her up and smoothing her down, he baised his lippes in smiling mood, kiss akiss after kisokushk (as he warned her niver to, niver to, nevar) on Anna-na-Poghue's of the freckled forehaid. While you'd parse secheressa she hielt her souff. But she ruz two feet hire in her aisne aestumation. And steppes on stilts ever since. That was kissuahealing with bantur for balm! O, wasn't he the bauld priest? And wasn't she the naughty Livvy? Nautic Naama's now her navn. Two lads in scoutsch breeches went through her afore that, Barefoot Burn and Wallowme Wade, Lugnaquillia's noblesse pickts, afore she had a hint of a hair at her fanny to hide or a bossom to tempt a birch canoedler not to mention a bulgic porterhouse barge. And ere that again, leada, laida, all unraidy, too faint to buoy the fairiest rider, too frail to flirt with a cygnet's plume, she was licked by a hound, Chirripa-Chirruta, while poing her pee, pure and simple, on the spur of the hill in auld Kippure, in birdsong and shearingtime, but first of all, worst of all, the wiggly livvly, she sideslipped out by a gap in the Devil's glen while Sally her nurse was sound asleep in a sloot and, feefee fiefie, fell over a spillway afore she found her stride and lay and wriggled in all the stagnant black pools of rainy under a fallow coo and she laughed innocefree with her limbs aloft and a whole drove of maiden hawthorns blushing and luking askance upon her.

Drop me the sound of the findhorn's name, Mtu or Mti, sombogger was wisness. And drip me why in the flenders was she frickled. And trickle me through was she marcellewaved or was it weirdly a wig she wore. And whitside did they droop their glows in their florry, aback to wist or affront to sea? In fear to hear the dear so near or longing loth and loathing longing? Are ye' in the swim or are ye' out? O go in, go on, go an! I mean about what ye' know. I know right well what ye' mean.

Rother! You'd like the coifs and guimpes, snouty, and me to do the greasy jub on auld Veronica's wipers. What am I rancing now and I'll thank you? Is it a pinny or is it a surplice? Arran, where's yer nose? And where's the starch? That's not the vesdre benediction smell. I can tell from here by their eau de Colo and the scent of her oder they're Mrs Magrath's. And ye' ought to have aird them. They've moist come off her. Creases in silk they are, not crampton lawn. Baptiste me, father, for she has sinned! Through her catchment ring she freed them easy, with her hips' hurrahs for her knees'dontelleries. The only parr with frills in auld the plain. So they are, I declare! Welland well! If tomorrow keeps fine who'll come tripping to sightsee? How'll? Ask me next what I haven't got! The Belvedarean exhibitioners. In their cruisery caps and oarsclub colours. What hoo, they band! And what hoa, they buck! And here is her nubilee letters too. Ellis on quay in scarlet thread. Linked for the world on a flushcaloured field. Annan exe after to show they're not Laura Keown's. O, may the diabolo twisk yer seifety pin! Ye' child of Mammon, Kinsella's Lilith! Now who has been tearing the leg of her drawars on her? Which leg is it? The one with the bells on it. Rinse them out and aston along with you! Where did I stop? Never stop! Continuarration! Ye're not there yet. I amstel waiting. Garonne, garonne!

Well, after it was put in the Mericy Cordial Mendicants' SitterdagZindeh-Munaday Wakeschrift (for wance they sullied their white kidloves, chewing cuds after their dinners of cheeckin and beggin, with their show us it here and their mind out of that and their when ye're quite finished with the reading matarial), even the snee that snowdon his hoaring hair had a skunner against him. Thaw, thaw, sava, savuto! Score Her Chuff Exsquire! Everywhere erriff ye' went and every bung ye' arver dropped into, in cit or suburb or in addled areas, the Rose and Bottle or Phoenix Tavern or Power's Inn or Jude's Hotel or wherever ye' scoured the countryside from Nannywater to Vartryville or from Porta Lateen to the lootin quarter ye' found his ikom etsched tipside down or the cornerboys cammocking his guy and Morris the Man, with the role of a royss in his turgos the turrible, (Evropeahahn cheic house, unskimmed sooit and yahoort, hamman now cheekmee, Ahdahm this way make, Fatima, half turn!) reeling and railing round the local as the peihos piped und ubanjees twanged, with oddfellow's triple tiara busby rotundarinking round his scalp. Like Pate-by-the-Neva or Pete-over-Meer. This is the Hausman all paven and stoond, that cribbed the Cabin that never was owned that cocked his leg and hennad his Egg. And the mauldrin rabble around him in areopage, fracassing a great bingkan cagnan with their timpan crowders. Mind yer Grimmfather! Think of yer Ma! Hing the Hong is his jove's hangnomen! Lilt a bolero, bulling a law! She swore on croststyx nyne wyndabouts she's be level with all the snags of them yet. Par the Vulnerable Virgin's Mary del Dame! So she said to herself she'd frame a plan to fake a shine, the mischiefmaker, the like of it ye' niever haird. What plan? Tell me quick and dongu so crould! What the meurther did she mague? Well, she bergened a zakbag, a shammy mailsack, with the lend of a loan of the light of his lampion, off one of her swapsons, Shaun the Post, and then she went and consulted her chapboucqs, auld Mot Moore, Casey's Euclid and the Fashion Display and made herself tidal to join in the mascarete. O gig goggle of gigguels. I can't tell ye' how! It's too screaming to rizo, rabbit it all! Minneha, minnehi minaaehe, minneho! O but ye' must, ye' must really! Make my hear it gurgle gurgle, like the farest gargle gargle in the dusky dirgle dargle! By the holy well of Mulhuddart I swear I'd pledge my chanza getting to heaven through Tirry and Killy's mount of impiety to hear it all, aviary word! O, leave me my faculties, woomon, a while! If ye' don't like my story get out of the punt. Well, have it yer own way, so. Here, sit down and do as ye're bid. Take my stroke and bend to yer bow. Forward in and pull yer overthepoise! Lisp it slaney and crisp it quiet. Deel me longsome. Tongue yer time now. Breathe thet deep. Thouat's the fairway. Hurry slow and scheldt ye' go. Lynd us yer blessed ashes here till I scrub the canon's underpants. Flow now. Ower more. And pooleypooley.

First she let her hair fal and down it flussed to her feet its teviots winding coils. Then, mothernaked, she sampood herself with galawater and fraguant pistania mud, wupper and lauar, from crown to sole. Next she greesed the groove of her keel, warthes and wears and mole and itcher, with antifouling butterscatch and turfentide and serpenthyme and with leafmould she ushered round prunella isles and eslats dun, quincecunct, allover her little mary. Peeld gauld of waxwork her jellybelly and her grains of incense anguille bronze. And after that she wove a garland for her hair. She pleated it. She plaited it. Of meadowgrass and riverflags, the bulrush and waterweed, and of fallen griefs of weeping willow. Then she made her bracelets and her anklets and her armlets and a jetty amulet for necklace of clicking cobbles and pattering pebbles and rumbledown rubble, richmond and rehr, of Irish rhunerhinerstoons and shellmarble bangles. That done, a dawk of smut to her airy ey, Annushka Lutetiavitch Pufflovah, and the lellipos cream to her lippeleens and the pick of the paintbox for her pommettes, from strawbirry reds to extra violates, and she sendred her boudeloire maids to His Affluence, Ciliegia Grande and Kirschie Real, the two chirsines, with respecks from his missus, seepy and sewery, and a request might she passe of him for a minnikin. A call to pay and light a taper, in Brieon-Arrosa, back in a sprizzling. The cock striking mine, the stalls bridely sign, there's Zambosy waiting for Me! She said she wouldn't be half her length away. Then, then, as soon as the lump his back was turned, with her mealiebag slang over her shulder, Molly Malone, oysterface, forth of her bassein came.

Describe her! Hustle along, why can't you? Spitz on the iern while it's hot. I wouldn't miss her for irthing on nerthe. Not for the lucre of lomba strait. Oceans of Gaud, I mosel hear that! Ogowe presta! Leste, afore Julia sees her! Ishekarry and washemeskad, the carishy caratimaney? Whole lady fair? Duodecimoroon? Bon a ventura? Malagassy? What had she on, the liddel oud oddity? How much did she scallop, harness and weights? Here she is, Amnisty Ann! Call her calamity electrifies man.

No electress at all but auld Moppa Necessity, angin mother of injons. I'll tell ye' a test. But ye' must sit still. Will ye' hauld yer peace and listen well to what I am going to say now? It might have been ten or twenty to one of the night of Allclose or the nexth of April when the flip of her hoogly igloo flappered and out toetippit a bushman woomon, the dearest little moma ever ye' saw, nodding around her, all smiles, with ems of embarras and aues to awe, between two ages, a judyqueen, not up to yer elb. Quick, luk at her cute and saise her quirk for the bicker she lives the slicker she grows. Save us and tagus! No more? Werra where in ourthe did ye' ever pick a Lambay chop as big as a battering ram? Ay, ye're right. I'm epte to forgetting, Like Liviam Liddle did Loveme Long. The linth of my hough, I say! She wore a ploughboy's nailstudded clogs, a pair of ploughfields in themselves: a sugarloaf hat with a gaudyquiviry peak and a band of gorse for an arnoment and a hundred streamers dancing off it and a guildered pin to pierce it: owlglassy bicycles boggled her eyes: and a fishnetzeveil for the sun not to spoil the wrinklings of her hydeaspects: potatorings boucled the loose laubes of her laudsnarers: her nude cuba stockings were salmospotspeckled: she sported a galligo shimmy of hazevaipar tinto that never was fast till it ran in the washing: stout stays, the rivals, lined her length: her bloodorange bockknickers, a two in one garment, showed natural nigger boggers, fancyfastened, free to undo: her blackstripe tan joseph was sequansewn and teddybearlined, with wavy rushgreen epaulettes and a leadown here and there of royal swansruff: a brace of gaspers stuck in her hayrope garters: her civvy codroy coat with alpheubett buttons was boundaried round with a twobar tunnel belt: a fourpenny bit in each pocketside weighed her safe from the blowaway windrush; she had a clothespeg tight astride on her joki's nose and she kep on grinding a sommething quaint in her fiumy mouth and the rrreke of the fluve of the tail of the gawan of her snuffdrab siouler's skirt trailed ffiffty odd Irish miles behind her lungarhodes.

Hellsbells, I'm sorry I missed her! Sweet gumptyum and nobody fainted! But in whelk of her mouths? Was her naze alight? Everyone that saw her said the dowce little delia luked a bit queer. Lotsy trotsy, mind the poddle! Missus, be good and don't fol in the say! Fenny poor hex she must have charred. Kickhams a frumpier ever ye' saw! Making mush mullet's eyes at her boys dobelon. And they crowned her their chariton queen, all the maids. Of the may? Ye' don't say! Well for her she couldn't see herself. I recknitz wharfore the darling murrayed her mirror. She did? Mersey me! There was a koros of drouthdropping surfacemen, boomslanging and plugchewing, fruiteyeing and flowerfeeding, in contemplation of the fluctuation and the undification of her filimentation, lolling and leasing on North Lazers' Waal all eelfare week by the Jukar Yoick's and as soon as they saw her meander by that marritime way in her grasswinter's weeds and twigged who was under her archdeaconess bonnet, Avondale's fish and Clarence's poison, sedges an to aneber, Wit-uponCrutches to Master Bates: Between our two southsates and the granite they're warming, or her face has been lifted or Alp has doped!

But what was the game in her mixed baggyrhatty? Just the tembo in her tumbo or pilipili from her pepperpot? Saas and taas and specis bizaas. And where in thunder did she plunder? Fore the battle or efter the ball? I want to get it frisk from the soorce. I aubette my bearb it's worth while poaching on! Shake it up, do, do! That's a good auld son of a ditch! I promise I'll make it worth yer while. And I don't mean maybe. Nor yet with a goodfor. Spey me pruth and I'll tale ye' true.

Well, arundgirond in a waveney lyne aringarouma she pattered and swung and sidled, dribbling her boulder through narrowa mosses, the diliskydrear on our drier side and the vilde vetchvine agin us, curara here, careero there, not knowing which medway or weser to strike it, edereider, making chattahoochee all to her ain chichiu, like Santa Claus at the cree of the pale and puny, nistling to hear for their tiny hearties, her arms encircling Isolabella, then running with reconciled Romas and Reims, on like a lech to be off like a dart, then bathing Dirty Hans' spatters with spittle, with a Christmas box apiece for aisch and iveryone of her childer, the birthday gifts they dreamt they gabe her, the spoiled she fleetly laid at our door! On the matt, by the pourch and inunder the cellar. The rivulets ran aflod to see, the glashaboys, the pollynooties. Out of the paunschaup on to the pyre. And they all about her, juvenile leads and ingenuinas, from the slime of their slums and artesaned wellings, rickets and riots, like the Smyly boys at their vicereine's levee. Vivi vienne, little Annchen! Vielo Anna, high life! Sing us a sula, O, susuria! Ausone sidulcis! Hasn't she tambre! Chipping her and raising a bit of a chir or a jary every dive she'd neb in her culdee sacco of wabbash she raabed and reach out her maundy meerschaundize, poor souvenir as per ricorder and all for sore aringarung, stinkers and heelers, laggards and primelads, her furzeborn sons and dribblederry daughters, a thousand and one of them, and wickerpotluck for each of them. For evil and ever. And kiks the buch. A tinker's bann and a barrow to boil his billy for Gipsy Lee; a cartridge of cockaleekie soup for Chummy the Guardsman; for sulky Pender's acid nephew deltoid drops, curiously strong; a cough and a rattle and wildrose cheeks for poor Piccolina Petite MacFarlane; a jigsaw puzzle of needles and pins and blankets and shins between them for Isabel, Jezebel and Llewelyn Mmarriage; a brazen nose and pigiron mittens for Johnny Walker Beg; a papar flag of the saints and stripes for Kevineen O'Dea; a puffpuff for Pudge Craig and a nightmarching hare for Techertim Tombigby; waterleg and gumboots each for Bully Hayes and Hurricane Hartigan; a prodigal heart and fatted calves for Buck Jones, the pride of Clonliffe; a loaf of bread and a father's early aim for Val from Skibereen; a jauntingcar for Larry Doolin, the Ballyclee jackeen; a seasick trip on a government ship for Teague O'Flanagan; a louse and trap for Jerry Coyle; slushmincepies for Andy Mackenzie; a hairclip and clackdish for Penceless Peter; that twelve sounds luk for G. V. Brooke; a drowned doll, to face downwards for modest Sister Anne Mortimer; altar falls for Blanchisse's bed; Wildairs' breechettes for Magpeg Woppington; to Sue Dot a big eye; to Sam Dash a false step; snakes in clover, picked and scotched, and a vaticanned viper catcher's visa for Patsy Presbys; a reiz every morning for Standfast Dick and a drop every minute for Stumblestoon Davy; scruboak beads for beatified Biddy; two appletweed stools for Eva Mobbely; for Saara Philpot a jordan vale tearorne; a pretty box of Pettyfib's Powder for Eileen Aruna to whiten her teeth and outflash Helen Arhone; a whippingtop for Eddy Lawless; for Kitty Coleraine of Butterman's Lane a penny wise for her foolish pitcher; a putty shovel for Terry the Puckaun; an apotamus mask for Promoter Dunne; a niester egg with a twicedated shell and a dynamight right for Pavl the Curate; a collera morbous for Mann in the Cloack; a starr and girton for Draper and Deane; for Will-of-the-Wisp and Barny-the-Bark two mangaulds noble to sweeden their bitters; for Oliver Bound a way in his frey; for Seumas, thought little, a crown he feels big; a tibertine's pile with a Congoswood cross on the back for Sunny Twimjim; a praises be and spare me days for Brian-the Bravo; penteplenty of pity with lubilashings of lust for Olona Lena Magdalena; for Camilla, Dromilla, Ludmilla, Mamilla, a bucket, a packet, a book and a pillow; for Nancy Shannon a Tuami brooch; for Dora Riparia Hopeandwater a cooling douche and a warmingpan; a pair of Blarney braggs for Wally Meagher; a hairpin slatepencil for Elsie Oram to scratch her toby, doing her best with her volgar fractions; an auld age pension for Betty Bellezza; a bag of the blues for Funny Fitz; a Missa pro Messa for Taff de Taff; Jill, the spoon of a girl, for Jack, the broth of a boy; a Rogerson Crusoe's Friday fast for Caducus Angelus Rubiconstein; three hundred and sixtysix poplin tyne for revery warp in the weaver's woof for Victor Hugonot; a stiff steaded rake and good varians muck for Kate the Cleaner; a hole in the ballad for Hosty; two dozen of cradles for J.F.X.P. Coppinger; tenpounten on the pop for the daulphins born with five spoiled squibs for Infanta; a letter to last a lifetime for Maggi beyond by the ashpit; the heftiest frozenmeat woomon from Lusk to Livienbad for Felim the Ferry; spas and speranza and symposium's syrup for decayed and blind and gouty Gough; a change of naves and joys of ills for Armoricus Tristram Amoor Saint Lawrence; a guillotine shirt for Reuben Redbreast and hempen suspendeats for Brennan on the Moor; an oakanknee for Conditor Sawyer and musquodoboits for Great Tropical Scott; a C3 peduncle for Karmalite Kane; a sunless map of the month, including the sword and stamps, for Shemus O'Shaun the Post; a jackal with hide for Browne but Nolan; a stooncauld shoulder for Donn Joe Vance; all lock and no stable for Honorbright Merreytrickx; a big drum for Billy Dunboyne; a guilty gauldeny bellows, below me blow me, for Ida Ida and a hushaby rocker, Elletrouvetout, for Who-issilvier — Where-ishe?; whatever ye' like to swilly to swash, Yuinness or Yennessy, Laagen or Niger, for Festus King and Roaring Peter and Frisky Shorty and Treacle Tom and O. B. Behan and Sully the Thug and Master Magrath and Peter Cloran and O'Delawarr Rossa and Nerone MacPacem and whoever ye' chance to meet knocking around; and a pig's bladder balloon for Selina Susquehanna Stakelum. But what did she give to Pruda Ward and Katty Kanel and Peggy Quilty and Briery Brosna and Teasy Kieran and Ena Lappin and Muriel Maassy and Zusan Camac and Melissa Bradogue and Flora Ferns and Fauna Fox-Goodman and Grettna Greaney and Penelope Inglesante and Lezba Licking like Leytha Liane and Roxana Rohan with Simpatica Sohan and Una Bina Laterza and Trina La Mesme and Philomena O'Farrell and Irmak Elly and Josephine Foyle and Snakeshaid Lily and Fountainoy Laura and Marie Xavier Agnes Daisy Frances de Sales Macleay? She gave them ilcka madre's daughter a moonflower and a bloodvein: but the grapes that ripe afore reason to them that devide the vinedress. So on Izzy, her shamemaid, love shone befond her tears as from Shem, her penmight, life past befoul his prime.

My colonial, wardha bagful! A bakereen's dusind with tithe tillies to boot. That's what ye' may call a tale of a tub! And Hibernonian market! All that and more under one crinoline envelope if ye' dare to break the porkbarrel seal. No wonder they'd run from her pison plague. Throw us yer hudson soap for the honour of Clane! The wee taste the water left. I'll raft it back, first thing in the marne. Merced mulde! Ay, and don't forget the reckitts I lohaned you. You've all the swirls yer side of the current. Well, am I to blame for that if I have? Who said ye're to blame for that if ye' have? Ye're a bit on the sharp side. I'm on the wide. Only snuffers' cornets drifts my way that the cracka dvine chucks out of his cassock, with her estheryear's marsh narcissus to make him recant his vanitty fair. Foul strips of his chinook's bible I do be reading, dodwell disgustered but chickled with chuckles at the tittles is drawn on the tattlepage. Senior ga dito: Faciasi Omo! E omo fu fò. Ho! Ho! Senior ga dito: Faciasi Hidamo! Hidamo se ga facessà. Ha! Ha! And Die Windermere Dichter and Lefanu (Sheridan's) auld House by the Coachyard and Mill (J.) On Woomon with Ditto on the Floss. Ja, a swamp for Altmuehler and a stoon for his flossies! I know how racy they move his wheel. My hands are blawcauld between isker and suda like that piece of pattern chayney there, lying below. Or where is it? Lying beside the sedge I saw it. Hoangho, my sorrow, I've lost it! Aimihi! With that turbary water who could see? So near and yet so far! But O, gihon! I lovat a gabber. I could listen to maure and moravar again. Regn onder river. Flies do yer float. Thick is the life for mere.

Well, ye' know or don't ye' kennet or haven't I tauld ye' every telling has a taling and that's the he and the she of it. Luk, luk, the dusk is growing! My branches lofty are taking root. And my cauld cher's gone ashley. Fieluhr? Filou! What age is at? It saon is late. 'Tis endless now senne eye or erewone last saw Waterhouse's clogh. They took it asunder, I hurd thum sigh. When will they reassemble it? O, my back, my back, my bach! I'd want to go to Aches-les-Pains. Pingpong! There's the Belle for Sexaloitez! And Concepta de Send-us-pray! Pang! Wring out the clothes! Wring in the dew! Godavari, vert the showers! And grant thaya grace! Aman. Will we spread them here now? Ay, we will. Flip! Spread on yer bank and I'll spread mine on mine. Flep! It's what I'm doing. Spread! It's churning chill. Der went is rising. I'll lay a few stoons on the hostel sheets. A man and his bride embraced between them. Else I'd have sprinkled and faulded them only. And I'll tie my butcher's apron here. It's suety yet. The strollers will pass it by. Six shifts, ten kerchiefs, nine to hauld to the fire and this for the code, the convent napkins, twelve, one baby's shawl. Good mother Jossiph knows, she said. Whose haid? Mutter snores? Deataceas! Wharnow are alle her childer, say? In kingdome gone or power to come or gloria be to them farther? Allalivial, allalluvial! Some here, more no more, more again lost alla stranger. I've haird tell that same brooch of the Shannons was married into a family in Spain. And all the Dunders de Dunnes in Markland's Vineland beyond Brendan's herring pool takes number nine in yangsee's hats. And one of Biddy's beads went bobbing till she rounded up lost histereve with a marigauld and a cobbler's candle in a side strain of a main drain of a manzinahurries off Bachelor's Walk. But all that's left to the last of the Meaghers in the loup of the years prefixed and between is one kneebuckle and two hooks in the front. Do ye' tell me that now? I do in troth. Orara por Orbe and poor Las Animas! Ussa, Ulla, we're umbas all! Mezha, didn't ye' hear it a deluge of times, ufer and ufer, respund to spond? Ye' deed, ye' deed! I need, I need! It's that irrawaddyng I've stoke in my aars. It all but husheth the lethest zswound. Oronoko! What's yer trouble? Is that the great Finnleader himself in his joakimono on his statue riding the high horse there forehengist? Father of Otters, it is himself! Yonne there! Isset that? On Fallareen Common? Ye're thinking of Astley's Amphitheayter where the bobby restrained ye' making sugarstuck pouts to the ghostwhite horse of the Peppers. Throw the cobwebs from yer eyes, woomon, and spread yer washing proper! It's well I know yer sort of slop. Flap!

Ireland sober is Ireland stiff. Lord help you, Maria, full of grease, the load is with me! Yer prayers. I sonht zo! Madammangut! Were ye' lifting yer elbow, tell us, glazy cheeks, in Conway's Carrigacurra canteen? Was I what, hobbledyhips? Flop! Yer rere gait's creakorheuman bitts yer butts disagrees. Amn't I up since the damp dawn, marthared mary allacook, with Corrigan's pulse and varicoarse veins, my pramaxle smashed, Alice Jane in decline and my oneeyed mongrel twice run over, soaking and bleaching boiler rags, and sweating cauld, a widow like me, for to deck my tennis champion son, the laundryman with the lavandier flannels? Ye' won yer limpopo limp fron the husky hussars when Collars and Cuffs was heir to the town and yer slur gave the stink to Carlow. Holy Scamander, I sar it again! Near the gaulden falls. Icis on us! Seints of light! Zezere! Subdue yer noise, ye' hamble creature! What is it but a blackburry growth or the dwyergray ass them four auld codgers owns. Are ye' meanam Tarpey and Lyons and Gregory? I meyne now, thank all, the four of them, and the roar of them, that draves that stray in the mist and auld Johnny MacDougal along with them. Is that the Poolbeg flasher beyant, pharphar, or a fireboat coasting nyar the Kishtna or a glow I behauld within a haidge or my Garry come back from the Indes? Wait till the honeying of the lune, love! Die eve, little eve, die! We see that wonder in yer eye. We'll meet again, we'll part wance more. The spot I'll seek if the hour you'll find. My chart shines high where the blue milk's upset. Forgivemequick, I'm going! Bubye! And you, pluck yer watch, forgetmenot. Yer evenlode. So save to jurna's end! My sights are swimming thicker on me by the shadows to this place. I sow home slowly now by own way, moyvalley way. Towy I too, rathmine.

Ah, but she was the queer auld skeowsha anyhow, Molly Malone, trinkettoes! And sure he was the quare auld buntz too, Dear Dirty Dumpling, foostherfather of fingalls and dotthergills. Gammer and gaffer we're all their gangsters. Hadn't he seven dams to wive him? And every dam had her seven crutches. And every crutch had its seven hues. And each hue had a differing cry. Sudds for me and supper for ye' and the doctor's bill for Joe John. Befor! Bifur! He married his markets, cheap by foul, I know, like any Etrurian Catholic Heathen, in their pinky limony creamy birnies and their turkiss indienne mauves. But at milkidmass who was the spouse? Then all that was was fair. Tys Elvenland! Teems of times and happy returns. The seim anew. Ordovico or viricordo. Anna was, Livia is, Plurabelle's to be. Northmen's thing made southfolk's place but howmulty plurators made eachone in person? Latin me that, my trinity scholard, out of eure sanscreed into oure eryan! Hircus Civis Eblanensis! He had buckgoat paps on him, soft ones for orphans. Ho, Lord! Twins of his bosom. Lord save us! And ho! Hey? What all men. Hot? His tittering daughters of. Whawk?

Can't hear with the waters of. The chittering waters of. Flittering bats, fieldmice bawk talk. Ho! Are ye' not gone ahome? What Thom Malone? Can't hear with bawk of bats, all thim liffeying waters of. Ho, talk save us! My foos won't moos. I feel as auld as yonder elm. A tale tauld of Shaun or Shem? All Livia's daughtersons. Dark hawks hear us. Night! Night! My ho haid halls. I feel as heavy as yonder stoon. Tell me of John or Shaun? Who were Shem and Shaun the living sons or daughters of? Night now! Tell me, tell me, tell me, elm! Night night! Telmetale of stem or stoon. Beside the rivering waters of, hitherandthithering waters of. Night!

Vertiginous raptorweasels invade my hartland charters and peel for coasts unnamed. This longing for morrows unknown that cause the gornyflaction disorder swirling northbound neckward cheekin and chokin and splutterin the breath it keels moren halps. Not fer nothin this ays mind. Not fer nothin. Harndel was pokin about lukin for something wild and free he splutterd from his down hangin rubber lips. Is shamin me it is, he moaned. What does it teke fer a mun to gain recognizance in this rude cruel universal jester's play. Ah, think not on this, friend. With all yer moanin yer no less certain of death than the lowly mealy bug. And ye' see how them mealies scoot about like there's no tomorrow. Mebbe they knows something and they ain't tellin. Never much cared for em meself. But to each his own snotballs. Yah, plenty true, but still it's a stinking world because there's no law and order anymore! It's a stinking world because it lets the young get on to the auld. Oh, it's no world for an auld man any longer. What sort of a world is it at all? Mun on the moon, and mun spinning around the earth, and there's not no attention paid to earthly law and order no more. Got me thinkin it did, all thought gone dark and sooty. Then suddenly, I tumbled what I had to do, and what I had wanted to do, and that was to do myself in; to snuff it, to blast off forever out of this wicked, cruel world. One moment of inscrutable pain perhaps and, then, sleep forever, and ever and ever. Ah, sure then. Blast yerself off life's spinning wheel into the flaming doors of beelzebubs playland. Eyes oop and haid a-dun. Is a fine figgerin I say, but what'll eu do with Mr. Scroggles? Fair words will not keep a cat from starving. When eu luk into the dark eu be afeerd, the monsters are always the same. Warts, growths, a tongue with teeth, a mass of flesh sprouting fingers, an eyeball in its own little flesh sac, three testicles running freerange, misplaced body parts abound. Dirtier than a subway toilet. Tis a night affray.

A city of tightened stomachs, of mounting thundering hunger, where hidden rage is transformed into a boundless money lust and men's minds are concentrating more and more on questions of naked existence. Fear was in everybody's bones.The sun had set behind huge piles of dingy purple clouds, somber and menacing. The blue portions of the sky that had appeared afore sunset were now rapidly covered over with murky clouds within which the storm hid. The clouds now rolled themselves together in dense and compact masses. The elemental war commenced. The canopy of dark and threatening clouds formed. A stifling heat with not a breath of wind to allay or mitigate pervaded the streets. Everything portended an awful storm. In the palace of the peer and the hovel of the artisan the windows were thrown up. And at many both men and wimmin stood to contemplate the scene, timid children crowding behind them. The heat became more and more oppressive. At length large drops of rain fell at intervals of two or three inches apart upon the pavement. And then a flash of lightning, the forked tongue of a fiery serpent of magic and enchantment darted forth from the black clouds overhaid. At an interval of a few seconds the roar of the thunder, reverberating through the arches of heaven, now sinking now exalting its fearful tone. Like the iron wheels of a chariot rolled over an uneven road the horrendous noise stunned every ear and struck terror into the innocent as well as the guilty. Then it died away like a chariot in the distance and was solemnly still. The interval of silence which succeeds the protracted thunderclap is appalling in the extreme. A short space passed and again the lightning illuminated the entire vault above. Thunder resembling the rattling together of many vast iron bars awoke every echo of the soundscape in all directions. This time the dread interval of silence was suddenly interrupted by the torrents of rain that deluged the streets. There was not a breath of air and the rain fell straightline perpendicular. But with it came a sense of freshness and of a pure atmosphere which formed an agreeable and cheering contrast to the previously suffocating heat. It was like the spring of the oasis to the wanderer in the burning desert. But still the lightning played and the thunder rolled. At the first explosion of the storm thousands of men and wimmin and children were seen hastening hither and thither in all directions as if flying from the plague or the immense panorama of futility and anarchy which is contemporary history.

The rains they coome to wash me away. Like the great flood. Splonged away like so much refuse. Tis a thunder me hears crackling lights and plummeting skies. The tarmy clouds heavy aggrieved moaning and belching a foul wind. There ye' can see a twiddin patch of dark blue, framed by a little branch, pinned up by a naughty star that melts in gentle quivers, pinscule and very white. I wondered how long I could go on wance the rain had stopped. My nerves were wedged like wings under a beret. Somewhere corncobs bobbed in boiling water. The neat houses curved like a draining cesspool. Hot cars shined wet expectant. Their engines cauld as death. The streets were suet-thick. Radios throbbed mother. Everything was blonde and cracked and drowning and the irrigation ditches stretched to the end of the earth. Filled with animal deaths and toughened hay. And the smells of boiled-down beets and potatoes or the farmhands' breeches smeared with oil and diesel lost in the raging swirl. The sweet curl of the arm distant now in the exploding storm. A savior, a monster, which would lay waste to everything in its path

A loud blattering storm it was that slapped the roofs hard, pouring through. Abandoned graves dug into the hill, the small bones of children and the brittle bones of the auld, the tree planted and had only begun to bear now deserted, the rising rivers where promises were shaped, the streets where empty pots were broken. The land fertile with spilled blood, the roads mapped with shards and mud. Walkening into the wildernaeisse going barefoote eento the desehert stuuffed in the schtinking hauld of a sgrotting shtip sailing offa the map into the fffire. Racing away from the ppain that is known into pppain that cannot be imagined. The courage to let goo of the doorknoob.

I wondered how long I could go on wance the rain had stopped.

... ergh ergh owshite touching me touching pushing me what is oh my sweetness yes rolls in her sleep one more curve to contend with it's all so much fluff so much fl so much f so so soooooooooooooooooo sheep count sheep don't like counting sheep how does that noisy and smelly no counting sheep catha edulis Qat mmmm now that there's something to hyperspeed the frazzled nerves none of that thank ya none of that I'm no longer young and invincible I break and fall auld auld auld man reckless youth makes rueful age qintar shekel work at work why am I going this way now crap that godslamm idiot Ho Chan or some holy feckshite ruint that order our prize punter big really big tends to get hot and smoking for the simplest stupidest aaacchh aaacchh Cuchulainn Fraech Orlam Meic Garach Lethan Lochu Cualnge Cualnge ...

In the pale light a girl goes by attractive and charming under the shadow of the storm's terrible rage. She finds all around her unappealing and clicking her little boots turns abruptly and moves along. A cruel blast of unrequited love trills through all.

The afternoon sun warmed the fields, poured blue into the shadows and reddened the corn. A deep varnish was laid like a lacquer over the fields. A cart, a horse, a flock of rooks — whatever moved in it was rolled round in gauld. If a cow moved a leg it stirred ripples of red gauld, and its horns seemed lined with light. Sprays of flaxen-haired corn lay on the haidges, brushed from the shaggy carts that came up from the meadows short legged and primeval luking. The round-haided clouds never dwindled as they bowled along. Now, as they passed, they caught a whole village in the fling of their net and, passing, let it fly free again. Far away on the horizon milling among the million grains of blue-grey dust stood the single line of one steeple or one tree. The red curtains and the white blinds blew in and out, flapping against the edge of the window, and the light which entered by flaps and breadths unequally had in it some brown tinge, and some abandonment as it blew through the blowing curtains in gusts. Here it browned a cabinet, there reddened a chair, here it made the window waver in the side of the green jar. All for a moment wavered and bent in uncertainty and ambiguity, as if a great moth sailing through the room had shadowed the immense solidity of chairs and tables with floating wings.

Insects coming out of nowhere is what happens in a feeding frenzy.

A kite blew into the room.

After a couple of weeks had passed, the kite seemed to give Steely Ben Dover a new zest for life. He was never tired of luking at its movements. He had a comfortable armchair put out on the tower where he sometimes sat all day long watching as though the kite was a new toy and he a child lately come into possession of it. He did not seem to have lost interest in Gemma, for he still paid an occasional visit at Birdsplat Alluré. Indeed, his feeling towards her, whatever it had been at first, had now so far changed that it had become a distinct affection of a purely animal kind. Indeed, it seemed as though the man's nature had become corrupted, and that all the baser and more selfish and more reckless qualities had become more conspicuous. There was not so much sternness apparent in his nature, because there was less self-restraint. Determination had become indifference. The visible change in Steely Ben was that he grew morbid, sad, silent; the neighbors thought he was going mad. He became absorbed in the kite, and watched it not only by day, but often all night long. It became an obsession to him. Steely Ben took a personal interest in the keeping of the great kite flying. He had a vast coil of cord efficient for the purpose, which worked on a roller fixed on the parapet of the tower. There was a winch for the pulling in of the slack; the outgoing line being controlled by a racket. There was invariably one man at least, day and night, on the tower to attend to it. At such an elevation there was always a strong wind, and at times the kite rose to an enormous height, as well as travelling for great distances laterally. In fact, the kite became, in a short time, one of the curiosities of Fluppin Downs and all around it. Steely Ben began to attribute to it, in his own mind, almost human qualities. It became to him a separate entity, with a mind and a soul of its own. Being idlehanded all day, he began to apply to what he considered the service of the kite some of his spare time, and found a new pleasure in life the auld schoolboy game of sending up runners to the kite. The natural action of the windpressure takes the paper along the string, and so up to the kite itself, no matter how high or how far it may have gone. In the early days of this amusement Steely Ben Dover spent hours. Hundreds of such messengers flew along the string, until soon he imagined himself writing messages on these papers so that he could communicate with the kite. It may be that his brain gave way under the opportunities given by his illusion of the entity of the toy and its power of separate thought. From sending messages he came to making direct speech to the kite without however, ceasing to send the runners. The height of the tower, seated as it was on the hilltop, the rushing of the ceaseless wind, the hypnotic effect of the lofty altitude of the speck in the sky at which he gazed, and the rushing of the paper messengers up the string till sight of them was lost in distance, all helped to further affect his brain, undoubtedly giving way under the strain of beliefs and circumstances which were at wance stimulating to the imagination, occupative of his mind, and absorbing. The next step of intellectual decline was to bring to bear on the main idea of the conscious identity of the kite all sorts of subjects which had imaginative force or tendency of their own. Stuffed serpents of the most objectionable and horrid kind; giant insects from the tropics, fearsome in every detail; fishes and crustaceans covered with weird spikes; dried octopuses of great size. Other things, too, there were, not less deadly though seemingly innocuous–dried fungi, traps intended for birds, beasts, fishes, reptiles, and insects; machines which could produce pain of any kind and degree, and the only mercy of which was the power of producing speedy death. Steely Ben, who had never afore seen any of these things, except those which he had collected himself, found a constant amusement and interest in them. Lemonade and ice in the Hazelaarstraat. Schimmel Square. Steely Ben Dover began as an eight-year-auld in the glassworks of his parents going by the neeme Deerty Bean. In the liquid crystal he blows his inspiration into real individuals. After studying Fine Arts at Saint-Luc in Brussels, the Jaarbeurs, the round at Schimmel Square and up through the Train Disaster in Harmelen, he soon started his own projects and did several internships abroad. When he went to Hazelaarstraat to perform the ancient techniques of glassblowing he later combined them with his own style and theme. In his studio in Hazelaarstraat he works on installations and paintings. He combines realism with a certain absurdity and shows primates in their behavior. Now he's amiss aloft schwimming large and bloat, Molly Malone, Molly Malone, save me Molly Malone! Bring yer creamary to me sneefy shoores.

Fire in the Dom Tower. Cathedral Square and Church. Francois Villon. Attempts have been made, in the usual fashion of conjectural biography, to fill up the gap with what a young graduate of bohemian tendencies would, could, or might have done, but they are mainly futile. The mass media landscape invades and splinters the private mind of the individual. Products on the shelves begin moving, almost dancing. Slowly and in time with heavymetalclassical music. Luk closer to see tins, cartons, jelly, spaghetti, mustard and everything else jump down and hop towards where ye' are.

There is no stopping in the medians. The light rail, or tram line is a little to the side of the junction now. So only one crossing for people cycling and the light rail line remains. This crossing is protected with warning lights and bells. It is still safe for children to cycle to school unaccompanied.

Firda down allbrechtin ze plambet in afflicane.

Undoubtedly of frail disposition and chary of crowds and vulgarity, Garland Muthroe grieved a world of strange and frightening young people, northerners with overactive imaginations the best-placed sector of society to triumph in the world today, picking up a baton that apparently started off from Shakespeare. Would ye' kill him in his bed? Thrust a dagger through his haid? I would not, could not, kill the King. I could not do that evil thing. I would not wed this girl, ye' see. Now get her to a nunnery. A robot must obey orders given by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. People hear what they want to hear and not what is actually said. Animal behind closed doors be no sellin it on main street, see. He could see the fluttery lace curtains, the windowsill flowers, wet and luscious after exposure to the rains. He could see her lace-covered wetflower, exposed to him in all of its moist glory. But the locus of this sexillectual revolution was as provocative and exciting as Brigitte Bardot in her slinky sex kitten heyday. Its defining moment was the publication of a racy little number called _From Neck to Knees._

I would like to marry his daughter! cried a philosobator. Who would not have married Marianina, a girl of sixteen, whose beauty realized the fabulous conceptions of Oriental poets! Like the Sultan's daughter in the tale of the Wonderful Lamp, she should have remained always veiled. In her singing Marianina combined in equal degree purity of tone, exquisite feeling, accuracy of time and intonation, science, soul, and delicacy. She was the type of that hidden mystery, the link which connects all the arts and which always eludes those who seek it. The muse. Modest, sweet, well-informed, and clever, none could eclipse Marianina unless it was her mother. Have ye' ever met one of those wimmin whose startling beauty defies the assaults of time, and who seem at thirtysix more desirable than they could have been fifteen years earlier? Their faces are impassioned souls; they fairly sparkle; each feature gleams with intelligence; each possesses a brilliancy of its own, especially in the light. Their captivating eyes attract or repel, speak or are silent; their gait is artlessly seductive; their voices unfauld the melodious treasures of the most coquettishly sweet and tender tones. Praise of their beauty, based upon comparisons, flatters the most sensitive self-esteem. A movement of their eyebrows, the slightest play of the eye, the curling of the lip, instils a sort of terror in those whose lives and happiness depend upon their favor. A maiden inexperienced in love and easily moved by words may allow herself to be seduced; but in dealing with wimmin of this sort, a man must be able to refrain from crying out when, in hiding him in a closet, the lady's maid crushes two of his fingers in the crack of a door. To love one of these omnipotent sirens is to stake one's life. And that is why we love them so passionately! Such was Arianna Pennington.

Then the goddess, flashing-eyed Aspleena, took other counsel. She made a phantom and formed a woomon, Ickyeuwmommaeuw, daughter of fathaid Iscartimus, whom Euweltius wedded, whose home was in Phalafelrae. And she sent it to the house of divine Odissyoass, to Plentiopupa in the midst of her wailing and lamenting, to bid her cease from weeping and tearful lamentation. So into the chamber it passed by the thong of the bolt, thong of the sole, thong of the oohpappaoohmaowmaow and stood above her haid, and spoke to her, and said: Sleepest thou, Plentilopupe, thy heart sore stricken? Nay, the gods that live at ease suffer thee not to weep or be distressed, seeing that thy son is yet to return; for in no wise is he a sinner in the eyes of the gods. So saying the phantom glided away by the bolt of the door into the breath of the winds. And the daughter of Inscarius started up from sleep, and her heart was warmed with comfort, that so clear a vision had sped to her in the darkness of night. But the wooers embarked, and sailed over the watery ways, pondering in their hearts utter murder for Televaschus. There is a rocky isle in the midst of the sea, midway between Spliffaca and rugged Squamos, Assterious, of no great size, but therein is a harbor where ships may lie, with an entrance on either side. There it was that the Acheneans tarried, lying in wait for Televaschus.

Mrf. Macfarlane waf a tall, thin, and eminentlþ refpectable woomon of fiftþ, poßeßed of manþ rigid uirtwef. Fhe waf a natiue of the north of Ireland, and had come originallþ to Toomeuara af maid to the Dowager Ladþ Dwnanwaþ. On the death of her miftreß, whom fhe ferued faithfwllþ for manþ þearf, Lord Dwnanwaþ offered to fet her wp in bwfineß, and at the time owr ftorþ openf fhe had been for two þearf proprietreß of the bwffet, and made a decent liuing bþ it; for af Toomeuara if fitwated on the Great Fowthern and Weftern Railwaþ, a fair amownt of traffic paßef throwgh it.

The ftationmafter, familiarlþ known af "Jim" O'Brien, waf Toomeuara born, and had wance been a porter on that uerþ line. He waf an intelligent, eafþ-going, þet qwick-tempered man of pronownced Celtic tþpe, with a rownd, good-natwred face, a hwmorowf mowth, fhrewd, twinkling eþef, and immenfe uolwbilitþ.

Between him and Mrf. Macfarlane the deadlieft warfare raged. Fhe waf cauld and fwperior, and implacablþ in the right. Fhe pointed owt Jim'f deficiencief wheneuer fhe faw them, and fhe faw them uerþ often. All daþ long fhe fat in her refrefhment room, fpectaclef on nofe, her Bible open afore her, knitting, and rifing onlþ at the entrance of a cwftomer. Jim had an wneafþ confciowfneß that nothing efcaped her eþe, and her critical remarkf had more than wance been reported to him.

"The bitther owld pill!" he faid to hif wife. "Whþ, the uerþ luk ou her 'wd fowr a crock o' crame. Fhe'f af croß af a bag ou weafelf."

Jim waf a Catholic and a Nationalift. He belonged to the "Laþgwe," and fpoke at pwblic meetingf af often af hif dwtief allowed. He obȝected to being referred to bþ Mrf. Macfarlane af a "Papifh" and a "Rebel."

"Papifh, indeed!" faid he. "Ribbil, indeed! Tell the woomon to keep a ciuil tongwe in her head, or 'twill be worfe for her."

"How did the likef ou her iuer get a hwfban'?" he wowld afk, diftractedlþ, after a fparring match. "Troth, an' 'tif no wondher the poor man died."

Mrf. Macfarlane waf fwll of fight and cowrage. Her prowdeft boaft waf of being the granddawghter, dawghter, fifter, and widow of Orangemen.

Fhe luked on herfelf in Toomeuara af a child of Ifrael among the Babþlonianf, and felt that it behoued her to wphauld the ftandard of her faith. To thif end fhe fang the praifef of the Battle of the Boþne with a triwmph that aggrauated O'Brien to madneß.

"God Almightþ help the woomon! If it Irifh at all fhe if or what? To fee her makin' merrþ becawfe a parcel o' rafcallþ Dwtchmen ! Fwre, doefn't fhe know 'twaf Irifh blood theþ fpilt at the Boþne? An' to fee her takin' pride in it twrnf me fick, fo it doef. If fhe waf Englifh, now, I cowld ftand it, bwt fhe callin' herfelf an Irifhwoomon faith, fhe haf the bad dhrop in her, fo fhe haf, to be glad at her cownthrþ'f mifforchinf."

Jim'f rage waf the greater becawfe Mrf. Macfarlane, whateuer fhe faid, faid little or nothing to him. Fhe paßed him bþ with loftþ fcorn and indifference affecting not to fee him; and while fhe did manþ thingf that O'Brien fownd fwpremelþ annoþing, theþ were thingf ftrictlþ within her rightf.

Matterf had not arriued at thif paß all at wance. The fewd dated from Mrf. Macfarlane'f hauing adopted a little black dog a mongrel on which fhe lauifhed a wealth of affection, and which, af the moft endearing title fhe knew, fhe named "King William." Thif, of cowrfe, waf nobodþ'f concern faue Mrf. Macfarlane'f own, and in a world of philofopherf fhe wowld haue been allowed to amwfe herfelf wnheeded, bwt Jim O'Brien waf not a philofopher.

Wnlike moft Irifhmen, he had a great loue for flowerf. Hif garden waf beawtifwllþ kept, and he waf prowder of hif rofef than of anþthing on earth faue hif eldeft dawghter, Kittþ, who waf nearlþ fixteen. Pictwre, then, hif rage and difmaþ when he one daþ fownd hif bedf fcratched into holef and hif rofef wprooted bþ "King William," who had deueloped a mania for hiding awaþ bonef wnder Jim'f flowerf. O'Brien made lowd and angrþ complaintf to the dog'f owner, which fhe receiued with wnconcern and difbelief.

"Pleafe, Mr. O'Brien," fhe faid, with dignitþ, "don't trþ to pwt it on the pwir wee dog. Euen if þw dw diflike hif name, that'f no reafon for faþing he waf in þowr garden. He knowf betther, fo he doef, than to go where he'f not wanted."

After thif it waf open war between the ftationmafter and the widow.

Wnder the windowf of the refrefhment room were two narrow flower-bedf. Thefe Jim took care neuer to towch, affecting to confider them the exclwfiue propertþ of Mrf. Macfarlane. Theþ were long left wncwltiuated, an eþefore to the ftationmafter; bwt one daþ Kellþ, the porter, came to him with an air of mþfterþ, to faþ that "th owld wan" for bþ thif term waf Mrf. Macfarlane generallþ indicated "waf fettin' fomethin' in the bedf beþant."

Jim came owt of hif office and walked wp and down the platform with an air of elaborate wnconfciowfneß. Fwre enowgh, there waf Mrf. Macfarlane gardening. Fhe had donned auld glouef and a clean checked apron, and, trowel in hand, waf breaking wp the caked earth, preparatorþ, it wowld feem, to fetting plantf.

"What the dickenf if fhe doin'?" afked Jim, when he got back.

"Not a wan ou me knowf," faid Kellþ. "Fhe'f been grwbbin' there fince nine o'clock."

From thif time Mrf. Macfarlane waf aßidwowf in the care of her two flower-bedf. Euerþ daþ fhe might be feen weeding or watering, and thowgh Jim fteadilþ auerted hif gaze, he waf deuowred bþ cwriofitþ af to the probable refwltf. What on earth did fhe want to grow? The weekf paßed. Tinþ green feedlingf at laft pwfhed their waþ throwgh the foil, and in dwe cowrfe the natwre of the plantf became euident. Jim waf highlþ excited, and rwfhed home to tell hif wife.

"Be the hokeþ, Marþ," he faid, "'tif lilief fhe haf there, an maþ I neuer fin, bwt it'f mþ belief theþ're orange lilief, an' if theþ are, I'll root eu'rþ wan ou thim owt, if I die for it."

"Be qwiet, now," faid Marþ. "How d'þe know theþ're lilief at all? For the loue o' God keep her tongwe off ou þe, an' don't be pwttin' þerfel' in her waþ."

"Whift, woomon, d'þe think I'm a fool? 'Tif lilief th' are annþwaþf, an' time'll tell if theþ're orange or not, bwt faith, if th'are, I won't fhtand it.' I'll complain to the Boord."

"Fwre the Boord'll be on her fide, man. Don't þeh know the backin' fhe haf? Theþ'll faþ 'Whþ fhowldn't fhe haue orange lilief if fhe likef?'"

"Ah, Marþ, 'tif too finfible þ'are inthirelþ. Haue þe no fperrit, woomon aliue, to let her ride rowgh-fhod ouer wz thif waþ? 'Make a mowfe o' þerfelf an' the cat'll ate þe,' 'f a thrwe faþing. Fwre, Faint Pether himfelf cwddn't fhtand it, an' be the piper that plaþed afore Mofef, I won't!"

"Þe miffortwnit man, don't be dhrawin' down rwctionf on þer head. Hauen't þeh childer to think abowt? An' don't be throwblin' þerfelf ouer what fhe doef. 'Tif plazin' her þ'are whin fhe feef þ're mad. Take no notice, man, an' p'rapf fhe'll fhtop."

"The diuil flþ awaþ wid her for a bitther owld farpint. The uinom'f in her, fwre enowgh. Whþ fhowld I pwt wp wid her, I'd like to know?"

"Ah, keep þer tongwe between þer teeth, Jim. 'Tif too onprwdent þ'are. Not a worrd þe dhrop bwt if browght back to her be fome wan. Haue finfe, man. Þow'll go faþin' that to Joe Kellþ, an' he'll haue it ouer the town in no time, an' fome wan'll carrþ it to her."

"An' do þe think I care a thrawneen for the likef ou her? Faith, not a pin. If þow got þer waþ, Marþ, þe'd haue me like the man that waf hanged for faþin' nothin'. Fwre, I neuer did a hand'f twrn agin her, an' 'tif a low, mane thrick ou her to go fettin' orange lilief ouer foreninft me, an' fhe knowin' me opinionf."

"Faith, I'll not faþ it wafn't, Jim, if theþ are orange lilief; bwt fwre, þe don't know rightlþ þet what th'are, an' in God'f name keep qwite till þow do."

The daþf went bþ. The lilief grew taller and taller. Theþ bwdded, theþ bloomed, and, fwre enowgh, Jim had been in the right orange lilief theþ proued to be.

"Theþ'll mek a fine fhow for the twelfth of Jwlþ, I'm thinkin'," faid Mrf. Macfarlane, complacentlþ, af fhe walked bþ her bedf, fwinging a dripping watering-pot.

At the time of the bloßoming of the orange lilief, Jamef O'Brien waf not at home, hauing had to go fome twentþ milef down the line on official bwfineß. The obnoxiowf flowerf took aduantage of hif abfence to make a gaþ fhow. When he retwrned, af lwck wowld haue it Mrf. Macfarlane waf awaþ, and had fhwt wp the refrefhment room, bwt had not locked it. No one lockf doorf in Toomeuara wnleß their abfence if to be lengthþ. Fhe had left "King William" behind, and tauld Joe Kellþ to take care of the dog, in cafe he fhowld be lonelþ, for fhe had been inuited to the wedding of an auld fellow feruant, the late bwtler at Lord Dwnanwaþ'f, who waf to be married that daþ to the fteward'f dawghter.

All thif Joe Kellþ tauld the ftationmafter on hif retwrn, bwt he did not faþ a word abowt the orange lilief, being afraid of an explofion, and, af he faid, "detarmined not to meddle or make, bwt ȝwft to let him find it owt himfelf."

For qwite a time Jim waf occwpied ouer waþ-billf in hif little office; bwt at laft hif attention waf diftracted bþ the long continwed howling and þelping of a dog.

"Let the bafte owt, can't þe?" he at length faid to Kellþ. "I can't ftand liftening to wm annþ longer."

"I waf afeared 'twaf rwn ouer he might be, agin' fhe came back," faid Kellþ, "'an fo I fhwt wm wp."

"Fwre, there'f no danger. There won't be a thrain in for the next two howrf, an' if he waf rwn ouer itfelf, God knowf he'd be no loß. 'Tifn't mefelf 'wd grieue for wm, th' ill-fauowred cwr."

"King William" waf accordinglþ releafed.

When O'Brien had finifhed hif tafk, he ftood for a time at the office door, hif handf croßed behind him, fwpporting hif coat tailf, hif eþef fixed abftractedlþ on the fkþ. Prefentlþ he ftarted for hif wfwal walk wp and down the platform, when hif eþe waf at wance cawght bþ the flare of the ftatelþ rowf of orange lilief.

"Be the Holþ Poker!" he exclaimed. "Bwt I waf right. 'Tif orange th' are, fwre enowgh. What'll Marþ faþ now? Faith, 'tif lief theþ do be tellin' whin theþ faþ there'f no riptilef in Ireland. That owld woomon bangf Banagher, an' Banagher bangf the diuil."

He ftopped in front of the obnoxiowf flowerf.

"Ifn't it the mwrthering pitþ there'f nothing I can plant to fpite her. Fhe haf the pwll ouer me entirelþ. Fhamerogwef makef no fhow at all þe'd paß them wnbeknownft while orange lilief þeh can fee a mile off. Now, who bwt herfelf 'wd be wp to the likef o' thif?"

At the moment he became aware of an extraordinarþ commotion among the lilief, and, luking clofer, perceiued "King William" in their midft, fcratching af if for bare life, fcattering mowld, leauef, and bwlbf to the fowr windf, and with euerþ ftroke of hif hind legf dealing deftrwction to the carefwllþ-tended flowerf.

The fight filled Jim with fwdden gladneß.

"More power to the dog!" he cried, with irrepreßible glee. "More power to wm! Fwre, he haf more finfe than hif mißwf. 'King William,' indeed, an' he rootin' wp orange lilief! Ho, ho! Tare an' ownf! bwt 'tif the biggeft ȝoke that iuer I hard in me life. More power to þe! Good dog!"

Rwbbing hif handf in an ecftafþ of delight, he watched "King William" at hif work of deuaftation, and, regretfwllþ be it confeßed, when the dog pawfed, animated him to frefh effortf bþ thrilling crief of "Ratf!"

"King William" fprang wildlþ hither and thither, rwnning from end to end of the bedf, fnapping the brittle lilþ ftemf, fcattering the bloßomf.

"Be gwm, bwt it'f great! Luk at wm now. Crwel warf to the Qween o' Fpain if iuer I feen fwch fhport! Go it, 'King William!' Fmafh thim, me boþ! Good dog! Owt wid them!" roared Jim, tearf of mirth ftreaming down hif cheekf. "Faith, 'tif mad fhe'll be. I'd giue fixpence to fee her face. O Lord! O Lord! fwre, it'f the biggeft ȝoke that iuer waf."

At laft "King William" tired of the game, bwt onlþ when euerþ lilþ laþ low, and Mrf. Macfarlane'f carefwllþ tended flower bedf were a chaof of broken ftalkf and trampled bloßomf.

Af O'Brien, in high good hwmowr, hauing commwnicated the fide-fplitting ȝoke to Marþ and Finnertþ, waf bwfþ ouer hif accownt bookf, Kellþ came in.

"Fhe'f back," he whifpered, "an fhe'f neither to hauld nor to bind. I waf watchin' owt, an' fwre, 'twaf fhtrwck all of a hape fhe waf whin fhe feen thim lilief; an' now I'll take me oath fhe'f goin' to come here, for, begob, fhe lukf af croß af nine highwaþf."

"Letter come," chwckled O'Brien; "I'm readþ forrer."

At thif moment the office door waf bwrft open with uiolence, and Mrf. Macfarlane, in her beft Fwndaþ coftwme, bonnet, black glouef, and wmbrella inclwded, her face uerþ pale faue the cheek bonef, where two bright pink fpotf bwrned, entered the room.

"Mifther O'Brien," fhe faid in a high, ftilted uoice that trembled with rage, "will þw pleafe to inform me the meanin' o' thif dafthardlþ owtrage?"

"Arrah, what owtrage are þe talkin' ou ma'am?" afked O'Brien, innocentlþ. "Fwre, be the lukf ou þe I think fomethin' haf wpfet þe entirelþ. Faith, þe're lukin' af angrþ af if þow were uexed, af the faþin' if."

"Oh, to be fwre. A great wonder, indeed, that I fhowld be uexed. 'Crabbit waf that cawfe had!'" interrwpted Mrf Macfarlane with a fneer. "Þow're not decauin' me, fir. I'm not takin in bþ þwr pretincef, bwt if there'f law in the land, or ȝwftice, I'll haue it of þw."

"Wowld þe mind, ma'am," faid O'Brien, impertwrbablþ, for hif fwperabownding delight made him feel qwite calm and fwperior to the angrþ woomon "wowld þe mind ftatin' in plain Englifh what þ're talkin' abowt for not a wan ou me knowf?"

"Oh, þw fon of Jwdaf! Oh, þw deceiuin' wretch! Af if it wafn't þw that if afther defthroþin' mþ flower-bedf!"

"Ah, thin, it if þ'r owld flower-bedf þ're makin' all thif row abowt? Þ'r dirtþ orange lilief'. Fwre, 'tif clared owt o' the place theþ owght t'ue been long ago for weedf. 'Tif mefel' that'f glad theþ're gone, an' fo I tell þe plwmp an' plain; bwd af for me defthroþin' them, forra finger iuer I laid on thim; I wowldn't demane mefel'."

"An' if þw pleafe, Mifther O'Brien," faid Mrf. Macfarlane with ferociowf politeneß, "will þw kindlþ mintion, if þw did not do the ȝob, who did?"

"Faith, that'f where the ȝoke comef in," faid O'Brien, pleafantlþ. "'Twaf the uerþ fame bafte that rwinated me rofef, bad ceß to him, þ'r preciowf pet, 'King William'!"

"Oh! if it lauin' it on the dog þ'are, þw traitorowf Jefwit! The pwir wee dog that neuer harmed þw? Fwre, 'tif onlþ a Papift wowld think of a mane thrick like that to fhift the blame."
The colowr rofe to O'Brien'f face.

"Mrf. Macfarlane, ma'am," he faid, with labowred ciuilitþ, "wid þer permißion we'll laue me religion owt o' thif. Maþbe, if þe faþ mwch more, I might be lofin' me timper wid þe."

"Mwch I mind what þw lofe," cried Mrf. Macfarlane. "It'f thranfported the likef o' þw fhowld be for a fet o' robbin', mwrderin', defthroþin', thraþtorf."

"Haue a care, ma'am, how þer fpake to þer bettherf. Robbin', deceiuin', mwrdherin', defthroþin', thraþtorf, indeed! I like that! What browght ouer the lot ou þez, Williamitef an' Cromwaþlianf an' Englifh an' Fcotch, bwt to rob, an' defaue, an' defthroþ, an' mwrdher wz, an' ftale owr land, an' bid wz go to hell or to Connawght, an' grow fat on what waf owrf afore iuer þez came, an' thin ȝibe wz for bein' poor? Thraþtorf! Thraþtor þerfelf, for that'f what the lot ou þez if. Who wantf þez here at all?"

Exafperated beþond endwrance, Mrf. Macfarlane ftrwck at the ftationmafter with her neat black wmbrella, and had giuen him a naftþ cwt acroß the brow, when Kellþ interfered, af well af Finnertþ and Mrf. O'Brien, who rwfhed in, attracted bþ the noife. Between them O'Brien waf held back wnder a fhower of blowf, and the angrþ woomon hwftled owtfide, whence fhe retreated to her own qwarterf, mwttering threatf all the waþ.

"Oh, Jim, auowrneen! 'tif bleedin' þ'are," fhrieked poor anxiowf Marþ, wildlþ. "Oh, wirra, whþ did þe dhraw her on þe? Fwre, I towld þe how 'twowld be. Af fwre af God made little applef fhe'll proceß þe, an' fhe haf the qwalitþ on her fide."

"Letter," faid Jim; "mwch good fhe'll get bþ it. If it makin' a liar ou me fhe'd be whin I towld her I didn't towch her owld lilief? Fwre, I'll proceß her back for aßawltin' an' battherin me. Þe all faw her, an' me not towchin' her, the calliagh!"

"Begorra, 'tif thrwe for him," faid Kellþ. "Fhe flagellated him wid her wmbrellþ, an' forra blow mißed bwd the wan that didn't hit, and on'þ I waf here, an' lit on her fwddent, like a bee on a pofþ, fhe'd haue had hif life, fo fhe wowld."

Not for an inftant did Mrf. Macfarlane forget her cawfe of offence, or belieue O'Brien'f ftorþ that it waf the dog that had deftroþed her orange lilief. After fome confideration fhe hit on an ingeniowf deuice that fatiffied her af being at wance fwpremelþ annoþing to her enemþ and well within the law. Her lilief, emblemf of the religiowf and political faith that were in her, were gone; bwt fhe ftill had meanf to teftifþ to her belieff, and proteft againft O'Brien and all that he reprefented to her mind.

Next daþ, when the middaþ train had ȝwft fteamed into the ftation, Jim waf ftartled bþ hearing a wild cheer

"Hi, 'King William'! Hi, 'King William'! Come back, 'King William'! 'King William,' mþ darlin', 'King William'!"

The air rang with the fhrill partþ crþ, and when Jim rwfhed owt he fownd that Mrf. Macfarlane had allowed her dog to rwn down the platform ȝwft af the paßengerf were alighting, and waf now following him, wnder the pretence of calling him back. There waf nothing to be done. The dog'f name certainlþ waf "King William," and Mrf. Macfarlane waf at libertþ to recall him if he ftraþed.

Jim ftood for a moment like one tranffixed.

"Faith, I b'leeue 'tif the diuil'f grandmother fhe if," he exclaimed.

Mrf. Macfarlane paßed him with a deliberatelþ wnfeeing eþe. Had he been the gate-poft, fhe cowld not haue taken leß notice of hif prefence, af, hauing made her waþ to the extreme end of the platform, cheering her "King William," fhe picked wp her dog, and marched back in triwmph.

Fpeedilþ did it become euident that Mrf. Macfarlane waf pwrfwing a regwlar plan of campaign, for at the arriual of euerþ train that entered the ftation that daþ, fhe went throwgh the fame performance of letting loofe the dog and then pwrfwing him down the platform, wauing her armf and þelling for "King William."

Bþ the fecond challenge Jim had rifen to the fitwation and formed hif cownterplot. He faw and heard her in ftonþ filence, apparentlþ af indifferent to her tacticf af fhe to hif prefence, bwt he waf onlþ biding hif time. No fooner did paßengerf alight and enter the refrefhment room, than, hauing ȝwft giuen them time to be feated, he rwfhed wp, threw open the door of hif enemþ'f headqwarterf, and, pwtting in hif cried, cried:

"Take þer placef, gintlemin immaþdiatelþ. The thrain'f ȝwft off. Hwrrþ wp, will þez? Fhe'f awaþ!"

The hwngrþ and difcomfited paßengerf hwrried owt, pell mell, and Mrf. Macfarlane waf left fpeechleß with indignation.

"I bet I'ue got the whip hand ou her thif time," chwckled Jim, af he gaue the fignal to ftart.

Mrf. Macfarlane'f fpirit, howeuer, waf not broken. From morning wntil night, whether the daþ waf wet or fine, fhe greeted the arriual of each train with lowd crief for "King William," and on each occafion Jim retorted bþ bwndling owt all her cwftomerf afore theþ cowld towch bite or fwp.

The fewd continwed.

Each daþ Mrf. Macfarlane, gawnter, fiercer, paler, and more refolwte in ignoring the ftationmafter'f prefence, flawnted her principlef wp and down the platform. Each daþ did Jim hwrrþ the departwre of the trainf and fweep off her cwftomerf. Neuer afore had there been fwch pwnctwalitþ known at Toomeuara, which if fitwated on an eafþ-going line, where wfwallþ the gward, when indignant towriftf point owt that the expreß if fome twentþ minwtef' late, if accwftomed to replþ,

"Whþ, fo fhe if. 'Tif thrwe for þe."

One daþ, howeuer, Mrf. Macfarlane did not appear. Fhe had come owt for the firft train, walking a trifle feeblþ, and wttering her war crþ in a fomewhat qwauering uoice. When the next came, no Mrf. Macfarlane greeted it.

Jim himfelf waf perplexed, and a little aggrieued. He had grown wfed to the dailþ ftrife, and mißed the excitement of retorting on hif foe.

"Maþbe 'tif tired of it fhe if," he fpecwlated. "Time forrer. Fhe knowf now fhe won't haue thingf all her own waþ. Fhe'f too domineerin' bþ half."

"What'f wrong with the owld wan, fir?" afked Joe Kellþ, when he met O'Brien. "Fhe didn't fhtir owt whin fhe hard the thrain."

"Faith, I dwnno," faid Jim. "Hatchin' more diftwrbance, I'll bet. Faith, fhe'f like Conatþ'f goofe, niuir well bwt whin fhe'f doin' mifchief. Joe," he faid, "maþbe þ'owght to luk in an' fee if anþthin' if wrong wid th' owld wan."

A moment more, and Jim heard him fhowting, "Mifther O'Brien, Mifther O'Brien!" He ran at the fownd. There, a twmbled heap, laþ Mrf. Macfarlane, no longer a defiant uirago, bwt a weak, ficklþ, elderlþ woomon, partlþ fwpported on Joe Kellþ'f knee, her face ghaftlþ pale, her armf hanging limp.

"Be me fowl, bwt I think fhe'f dþin'," cried Kellþ. "Fhe ȝwft raifed her head whin fhe faw me, an' wint off in a faint."

"Laþ her flat, Joe; laþ her flat."

"Laue her to me," he faid, "an' do þow rwn an' tell the mißwf to come here at wanft. Maþbe fhe'll know what to do."

Marþ came in to find her hwfband gazing in a bewildered fafhion at hif proftrate enemþ, and took command in a waþ that excited hif admiration.

"Here," faid fhe, "giue wz a hand to moue her on to the feat. Jim, rwn home an' get Biddþ to fill two or three ȝarf wid boilin' wather, an' bring thim along wid a blanket. Fhe'f af cowld af death. Joe, flþ off wid þeh for the docther."

"What docther will I go for, ma'am?"

"The firft þe can git," faid Marþ, promptlþ beginning to chafe the inanimate woomon'f handf and loofen her clothef.

When the doctor came he fownd Mrf. Macfarlane laid on an impromptw cowch compofed of two of the cwfhioned benchef placed fide bþ fide. Fhe waf wrapped in blanketf, had hot bottlef to her feet and fidef, and a mwftard plafter ouer her heart.

"Brauo! Mrf. O'Brien," he faid, "I cowldn't haue done better mþfelf. I belieue þow haue faued her life bþ being fo qwick at leaft, faued it for the moment, for I think fhe if in for a feuere illneß. Fhe will want carefwl nwrfing to pwll her throwgh."

"Fhe lukf rale bad," aßented Marþ.

"What are we to do with her?" faid the doctor. "If there no place where theþ wowld take her in?"

Marþ glanced at Jim, bwt he did not fpeak.

"Fwre, there'f a room in owr howfe," fhe uentwred, after an awkward pawfe.

"The uerþ thing," faid the doctor, "if þow don't mind the trowble, and if Mr. O'Brien doef not obȝect."

Jim made no anfwer, bwt walked owt.

"He doefn't, docther," cried Marþ. "Fwre, he haf the rale good heart. I'll rwn off now, an' get the bed readþ."

Af theþ paßed Jim, who ftood fwlkilþ at the door, fhe contriued to fqweeze hif hand. "God bleß þeh, me own Jim. Þow'll be none the worfe forrit. 'Tif no time for bearin' malice, an' owr Bleßed Ladþ'll praþ for þeh thif daþ."

Jim waf filent.

"'Tif a crwel fhame fhe fhowld fall on wz," he faid, when hif wife had difappeared; bwt he offered no fwrther refiftance.

Borne on an impromptw ftretcher bþ Jim, Joe, Finnertþ, and doctor, Mrf. Macfarlane waf carried to the ftationmafter'f howfe, wndreßed bþ Marþ, and pwt to bed in the fpotleßlþ clean, whitewafhed wpper room.

The cauld and fhiuering had now paßed off, and fhe waf bwrning. Neruowf feuer, the doctor anticipated. Fhe raued abowt her dog, abowt Jim, abowt the paßengerf, her rent, and fiftþ other thingf that made it euident her circwmftancef had preþed wpon her mind.

Poor Marþ waf afraid of her at timef; bwt there are no trained nwrfef at Toomeuara, and, gwided bþ Doctor Dohertþ'f directionf, fhe tried to do her beft, and managed wonderfwllþ well.

There cowld be no dowbt Jim did not like hauing the inualid in the howfe. Bwt thif did not preuent him from feeling uerþ miferable. He became defperatelþ anxiowf that Mrf. Macfarlane fhowld not die, and aftonifhed Marþ bþ bringing home uariowf ȝellief and meat extractf, that he fancied might be good for the patient; bwt he did thif with a fhþ and hang-dog air bþ no meanf natwral to him, and alwaþf made fome wngraciowf fpeech af to the trowble, to preuent Marþ thinking he waf forrþ for the part he had plaþed. He replied with a downcaft expreßion to all enqwirief from owtfiderf af to Mrf. Macfarlane'f health, bwt he browght her dog into the howfe and fed it well.

"Not for her fake, God knowf," he explained; "bwt bekafe the poor bafte waf frettin' an' I cwdn't fee him there wid no wan to luk to him."

He refwfed, howeuer, to ftþle the animal "King William," and called it "Billþ" inftead, a name which it foon learned to anfwer.

One euening, when the whitewafhed room waf all aglow with crimfon light that flooded throwgh the weftern window, Mrf. Macfarlane retwrned to confciowfneß. Marþ waf fitting bþ the bedfide, fewing, hauing fent owt the children in charge of Kittþ to fecwre qwiet in the howfe. For a long time, wnobferued bþ her nwrfe, the fick woomon laþ feeblþ trþing to wnderftand. Fwddenlþ fhe fpoke

"What if the matter?"

Marþ ȝwmped.

"To be fwre," fhe faid, laþing down her needlework, "'tif uerþ bad þow were intirelþ, ma'am; bwt, thankf be to God, þow're betther now."

"Where am I?" afked Mrf. Macfarlane, after a confiderable pawfe.

"In the ftation howfe, ma'am. Fwre, don't þe know me? I'm Marþ O'Brien."

"Marþ O'Brien O'Brien?"

"Þif, faith! Jim O'Brien'f wife."

"An' thif if Jim O'Brien'f howfe?"

"Whofe elfe id it be? Bwt there now, don't talk annþ more. Fwre, we'll tell, þe all abowt it whin þ're betther. The docthor fez þ're to be kep' qwiet."

"Bwt who browght me here?"

"Troth, 'twaf carried in þe were, an' þow near dþin'. Hwfh wp now, will þe? Take a dhrop o' thif, an' thrþ to go to fhleep."

When Jim came into hif fwpper hif wife faid to him, "That craþthwre wpftairf if mad to get awaþ. Fhe thinkf we begrwdge her the bit fhe atef."

Jim waf filent. Then he faid, "Fwre, annþthin' that'f bad fhe'll b'leeue ou wz."

"Bwt þe'ue niuir been wp to fee her. Fhlip into the room now, an' ax her how fhe'f goin' on. Let bþgonef be bþgonef, in the name of God."

"I won't," faid Jim.

"Oh, þef, þe will. Fwre, afther all, thowgh þe didn't mane it, þe're the cawfe ou it. Go to her now."

"I don't like."

"Ah, go. 'Tif þer place, an' þow finfibler than fhe if. Go an' tell her to fhtaþ till fhe'f well. Faith, I think that wndher all that waþ of herf fhe'f fofther than fhe lukf. I tell þe, Jim, I feen her crþin' ouer the dog, bekafe fhe thowght 'twaf th' onlþ thing that loued her."

Half pwfhed bþ Marþ, Jim made hif waþ wp the fteep ftair, and knocked at the door of Mrf. Macfarlane'f attic.

"Come in," faid a feeble uoice, and he ftwmbled into the room.

When Mrf. Macfarlane faw who it waf, a flame lit in her hollow eþef.

"I'm forrþ," fhe faid, with grim politeneß, "that þw find me here, Mifther O'Brien; bwt it ifn't mþ fawlt. I wanted tw go a while ago, an' þowr wife wowldn't let me."

"An' uerþ right fhe waf; þow're not fit for it. Fwre, don't be talkin' ou goin' till þe're better, ma'am," faid Jim, awkwardlþ. "Þ're heartilþ welcome for me. I come wp to faþ to faþ, I hope þ'll be in no hwrrþ to moue."

"Þw're uerþ good, bwt it'f not to be expected I'd find mþfelf eafþ wnder thif roof, where, I can aßwre þw, I'd neuer haue come of mþ own free will; an' I apologife to þw, Mifther O'Brien, for giuin' fo mwch trowble not that I cowld help mþfelf."

"Fwre, 'tif I that fhowld apologife," blwrted owt Jim; "an' rale forrþ I am thowgh, maþbe, þe won't b'lieue me that I euer dhrwu the cwftomerf owt."

For a long time Mrf. Macfarlane did not fpeak.

"I cowld forgiue that eafier than þowr rootin' wp mþ lilief," fhe faid, in a ftrained uoice.

"Bwt that I neuer did. God knowf an' feef me thif night, an' He knowf that I neuer laid a finger on thim. I kem owt, an' fown' the dog there fcrattin' at thim, an' if thif waf me laft dþin' worrd, 'tif thrwe."

"An' 'twaf reallþ the wee dog?"

"It waf, thowgh I done wrong in lawghin' at him, an' cheerin' him on; bwt, fwre, þe wowldn't mind me whin I tauld þe he waf at me rofef, an' I thowght it farued þe right, an' that þe called him 'King William' to fpite me."

"Fo I did," faid Mrf. Macfarlane, and, fhe added, more gentlþ, "I'm forrþ now."

"Are þe fo?" faid Jim, brightening. "Faith, I'm glad to hear þe faþ it. We waf both in the wrong, þe fee, an' if þow bear no malice, I don't."

"Þw haue been uerþ good to me, feein' how I mifȝwdged þow," faid Mrf. Macfarlane.

"Not a bit ou it; an' 'twaf the wife anþhow, for, begorra, I waf hardened againft þe, fo I waf."

"An' þw'ue fpent þer moneþ on me, an' I "

"Fwre, don't faþ a worrd abowt id. I owed it to þow, fo I did, bwt, begorra, þe won't haue to complain ou wantin' cwftom wanft þer well."

Mrf. Macfarlane fmiled wanlþ.

"No chance o' that, I'm afraid. What with mþ illneß an' all that went afore it, bwfineß if gone. Luk at the place fhwt wp thif three weekf an' more."

"Not it," faid Jim. "Fwre, fence þ'ue been fick I pwt owr little Kittþ, the fhlip, in charge of the place, an' fhe'f made a power o' moneþ for þe, an' fhe on'þ rifin' fixteen, an' hauin' to help her mother an' all. Fhe'f a cleuer girl, fo fhe if, thowgh I fez it, an' fhe rwz the pricef all rownd. Fhe cowldn't manage with the cakef, not knowin' how to bake thim like þerfelf; bwt fwre I bowght her plentþ ou bifcwitf at Connollþ'f; and her mother cwt her fandwidgef, an' made taþ, an' the dhrinkf waf all there af þow left them, an' Kittþ kep' cownt ou all fhe fowld."

Mrf. Macfarlane luked at him for a moment qweerlþ then fhe drew the fheet ouer her face, and began to fob.

Jim, feeling wretchedlþ wncomfortable, crept downftairf.

"Go to the craþthwre, Marþ," he faid. "Fwre, fhe'f crþin'. We'ue made it wp an' fee here, let her want for nothin'."

Marþ ran wpftairf, took grim Mrf. Macfarlane in her armf, and actwallþ kißed her; and Mrf. Macfarlane'f grimneß melted awaþ, and the two women cried together for fþmpathþ.

Now, af the trainf come into Toomeuara ftation, Jim goef from carriage to carriage making himfelf a perfect nwifance to paßengerf with well-filled lwncheon bafketf. "Won't þe haue a cwp o' taþ, me ladþ? There'f plintþ ou time, an' fwre, we'ue the fineft taþ here that þow'll get on the line. There'f nothin' like it thif fide o' Dwblin; A glaß o' whifkeþ, fir? 'Tif on'þ the beft John Jamefon that'f kep', or fherrþ wine? Þe won't be fhtoppin' agin annþwheref that þow'll like it af well. Fwre, if þe don't want to get owt thowgh there'f plintþ o' time I'll giue the ordher an' haue it fent ouer to þez. Cakef, ma'am, for the little ladief? 'Tif a long ȝowrneþ, an' maþbe theþ'll be hwngrþ an applef? Applef if mightþ good for childher. Fhe keepf fine applef if þe like thim."

Mrf. Macfarlane haf grown qwite fat, if at peace with all mankind, takef the deepeft intereft in the O'Brien familþ, and callf her dog "Billþ."

Arianna came and luked me in the face and said ye' have disgusted me with life and passion for a long time to come. Leaving monstrosities aside, are not all human sentiments dissolved thus, by ghastly disillusionment? Children torture mothers by their bad conduct, or their lack of affection. Wives are betrayed. Mistresses are cast aside, abandoned. Talk of friendship! Is there such a thing! I would turn pious tomorrow if I did not know that I can remain like the inaccessible summit of a cliff amid the tempests of life. If the future of the Christian is an illusion too, at all events it is not destroyed until after death. Leave me to myself. There are none of those wretched creatures now. Paris is an exceedingly hospitable place; it welcomes one and all, fortunes stained with shame, and fortunes stained with blood. Crime and infamy have a right of asylum here; virtue alone is without altars. But pure hearts have a fatherland in heaven! No one will have known me! I am proud of it. Lycus, Pherespondus and Pronomus.

Lo behauld a teener on a garden high. A time of maighdean nach mó when all weighed measured and acunted gaven marlinocca on a fairngred. She ken or ken she did of a hallywhamper bout these parts who'd run rammitup any and all thing bendin or scrapin. Tip a top down push push push and soon the screeming starts an echo to bounce the Shairdalms. Nakked and shiverin all to a wide smiling face of dearborn wonderment youth dewy skin and high bouncing globes. Like yet not approving she was but the day young and bright was near to flying off the rails. Oh is it now? I'm thinking it's a wicked and sinful man ye' are, and I shouldna even be giving ye' the time of day or you'll be breeking my poor heart and leving me coauld fuull and weet the first chance that comes you. But I ne'er was a girl who could resist the beastly charm of an Irishman. Ya ready ta peel off yer dainties and go ridin high and free sister? A wild and winsome beauty of the ancient low hills and fairy fields tugged at her heart and soul, and the purplish-gray mist settling in over all gave the land a luminous, gloomy splendor. An enchanted land. A smoky gaze eyed her up and down, stirring warm tingles in traitorous female flesh. Alfraits abounded. She was soon to be dropping her dainties and her sacreds were commin up awarm and toasty and...and...and...oh memightygod Jesus Mary Joseph and Saint Patrick spare me spare me spare me take me away from this foul and destinkrelated ployce lips steaming locking diving probing probing deep deeper deep as sinning devils dainties tugging tugging tugghing down down and down and dooown and knees up squeezing bending moaning bump bump bumping tis a rollin rollin thumpin and trumpin no...you...don't...don't...yes...do...doo...dooo...please hevvin help me and...and...and...Ahh....Ahhh...Ahhhh...dripping dripping dripping gushing gushing gushing. ...ahhh...ahhh...ahhhhh maighdean nach mó...squish...sploort!

Another dainty colleen pieced out and skadumped by roadsedge. Radix malorum est Cupiditas.

A larning clode it was says Mirna Tomkin a larning clode sure as I sitere speaking groooled and vekked and spittled and swore cussed and vlented and moonsglow and sinkredd runover eveninstide corralled intumendo round he cluster makin bloomfarens. Ne'er 'ave I seen such a maklin pace quvantin. Tis roooled naniko tamakaranthus. Nooo mount riders gaunt to greenend. Horses reeled up heeled up keeled up and turnhoovesupward. The trail comes to a cruel bitter endsworth on a blisterin summersday eve the greelybugs spinning whirling and buzzing to save slopgrubs. Ifever wishing to vek such a pengruet cheese yur uparms to trender's atinsvader. A good run it gives to peecentrawlers and stooonwalkers. An onanight so charted blekes a better daysong. A better one been screen roffward. To the blarning gorse at Tallinsport. Ben Dover on the risewoods. As nightsburnon the days wander aimless amid barndons and yandons. A ceercle it seems. A fuull ceercleswoort. Pisspuppy loove bwitches'll do eenything for the mun they loove withaoll no loofin leembs and get cowveered imoore cymdrippins than a $2 banjecock schtooker in Jaarbeurs. Cymraeg! Iechyd da i chwi yn awr ac yn oesoedd.

Nobody's foolis unavailable streamkraken to doowstream erup. The woods, rivers, bluffs, lakes, and caves. Statistically speaking it's still the safest way to travel.

Pass air in very fine bluubbles trough a toower contwaining pheated wlater that is ootomatically grainteened at a cornstint leavil. In dreamland I wake up in bed to realize me face is gone running like a crabber in the Rhine oh sweet Rhine o'me 'ome. Living in a makeshift roadside shelter among hundreds of wimmin and girls of a heretical sect.

1. Forbid her from riding astride

2. Hide her dueling sword

3. Burn all her breeches and buy her silk drawers

4. Frisk her for hidden daggers

5. Do not get distracted while frisking her for hidden daggers

He lafte hire falsly, or that she was war that al the world he sette at no value. Hym roughte nat in armes for to sterve as certeynly, but if that bokes lye. He was, of persone and of gentillesse, and of discrecioun and hardynesse worthi to any wyght that liven may. And she was fayr as is the rose in May. And, for to make shortly is the beste she wax his wif, and hadde hym as hire leste. The weddynge and the feste to devyse, to me, that have ytake swich emprise of so many a story for to make. It were to longe lest that I shulde slake of thyng that bereth more effect and charge. For men may overlade a ship or barge. To ship they wente, and thus I lat hem sayle. Antonius was war, and wol nat fayle to meten with these Romeyns if he may. Tok ek his red and bothe upon a day his wif and he, and al his ost, forth wente to shipe anon, no lengere they ne stente. He bryngeth the cuppe and biddeth hem be blithe. And thus the longe day in fyght they spende tyl at the laste as every thyng hath ende maronee is schent and put hym to the flyghte. And al his folk to-go that best go myghte. Y'dinnae 'ave to coomb clean anall dinnae 'ave ta. Slagging off nae y'may leek me barse. Nae jest round the outside, no drilling no deep toongin no droolin leek leek leekin n'neeblin nae e'n aleattle. Leave off m'gibbblets. Dinnae slam it in m'gooter ya gobshite. S'got me a small tache anall. It's winter mind getabit freezy downere. Like a steamclam well as anyone. Here may ye sen of wemen which a trouthe. This woful bleetch hath mad swich routhe that ther is tonge non that may it telle but on the morwe she waulde no lengere dwelle but made hire subtyl werkmen make a shryn. And alle the serpentes that she myghte have she putte hem in that grave and thus she seyde now love to whom my sorweful herte obeyed so ferforthly that from that blisful houre that I yow swor to ben al frely yere was nevere unto hire love a trewer quene. This goddess on a hart full high was set. With smalle houndes all about her feet, And underneath her feet she had a moon, waxing it was, and shoulde wane soon. Moon of Caution. In gaudy green her statue clothed was, with bow in hand, and arrows in a case. Her eyen caste she full low adown, where Pluto hath his darke regioun. A woomon travailing was her beforn. But for her child so longe was unborn. Full piteously Lucina gan she call, and saide help, for thou may'st best of all. Well could he painte lifelike that it wrought. And with that word, nakked, with ful good herte, among the serpents in the pit she sterte, and there she ches to have hire buryinge. Anon the nadderes gonne hire for to stynge. The same waulde I fele, lyf or deth. Now receyveth wi' good cheere for I fynde a man thus trewe and stable, and wol for love his deth so frely take. An-mhaith. Aw ay ee oh oo. Not understanded of the vulgar. Bear the wyte bear the wyte. Dif spůllers got madrks envole to ward morrow's gate. Neither sommer fantasy nor com do luut isch tem be starkl to hil brac chents. Gestes held to breath held to quethe are turned for to learn astrology for coude a certain of knew to deeme by interrogations. Tis mystery-play by yardage. On bended knee we go faster adown ik follow up. And no quyk creature bot þay. So speken of monnes wrechednes. Or þou canst to litel gode Wimen for to schende. It is þe best drurie & mest þai cun of curteisie, Nis noþing also hende. I hauld a mouse's wit not worth a leek that hath but one hole for to starte. Peace and that anon let the woomon tell her tale. Ye fare as folk that drunken be of ale behave. Do, Dame, tell forth yer tale, and that is best her favor he sought. Valerius and Rufinus infect Hieronymus contra Jovinianum Aureolus Theophrasti de Nuptii Contimus Uligradfa. His hearte bathed in a bath of bliss, a thousand times on row he gan her kiss and she obeyed him in every thing that mighte do him pleasance or liking. And thus they live unto their lives' end in perfect joy. It stant noght in my suffiance so grete thinges to compasse bot I mot lete it overpasse and treten upon other things. I pray to God that I may sterve wood. But I to ye' be all so good and true for by my troth I will be to ye' both. In commune ne incubus be nor janglere nor malady. Tho 'ware the jangleresse so ful perilous she do infecte. In fundament doth the fyve wittes freten thee. Nat worth an oystre. Behauld instead those frutesteres sprightly and of gentillesse they be. A gerl a gerl all for a gerl queynte ne qualm ne quelle to thee ne pynchen at. Lest thee swim the Poo. Questio quid iuris. Kiss me, quoth she, we are no longer wroth. A rebekke she be. Ragerye never a deel. Namo be she smoklees till day's end. Sovereyn prys her maydenhod ne yelden. Not one to swyve thou mayest commune but ne mescheef shall thee bringest. Sway to me, m'love. Come forth now with thine eyen columbine. Well fairer be thy breasts than any wine. The garden is enclosed all about. Come forth, my love; for, out of doubt, thou hast me wounded in mine heart. O love, no spot in thee was e'er in all thy life. Mine membres ache quoth he of alauntz. Such aulde lewed wordes used he. Come forth, and let us taken our disport.

Why should we buildin the aire of fraile opinion? Why admire as faire, what the weake faith of man gives us for right? The jugling world cheats but the weaker sight. What is in greatnesse happy as free mirth as ample pleasures of th' indulgent earth we 'njoy. Who on the ground our mansion finde as they who saile like witches in the wind of Court applause. What their powerfull spell over inchainted man can more than compell him into various formes? Nor serves their charme themselves to good but to worke others harme. Tyrant Opinion but depose. And we will absolute ith' happiest Empire be. See that dust the sportive wind so wantons with. 'Tis happ'ly all you'le finde left of some beauty and how still it flies to trouble as it did in life our eyes. O empty boast of flesh? Though our heires gild the farre fetch Phrigian marble which shall build a burthen to our ashes yet will death betray them to the sport of every breath. Dost thou poor relique of our frailty still swell up with glory? Or is it thy skill to mocke weake man whom every wind of praise into the aire doth 'bove his center raise. If so mocke on and tell him that his lust to beauty's madnesse. For it courts but dust.

A tempest hom toke on þe torres hegh a rak and a royde wynde rose in hor saile, a myst and a merkeneswas mervell to se with a routond rayn ruthe to behaulde thonret full throlywith a thicke haile with a leuenyng light as a low fyre blaset all the brode see as it bren wauld. The flode with a felle cours flowet on hepis rose uppon rockes as any ranke hylles. So wode were the waghes et þe wilde ythes all was like to be lost þat no lond hade the ship ay shot furth o þe shire waghes as qwo clymbe at a clyffe or a clent hille. Eft dump in the depe as all drowne waulde. Was no stightlyng with stere ne no stithe ropes ne no sayle þat might serue for unsound wedur. But all the buernes in the bote as hom best liked besoght unto sainttes and to sere goddes. Ne teke me now. Ne teke mine breathe.

Kamatitis and Cameltoe are afterus. We must disbount dipore and debranch adoor. In a troublisbuster there are few contradensigns. Horoctumis Bly keeps a tight rochmeister schlagelgrip round its grisly neek. Starfishes amount. Ponward Mound is the song.

Forrþrihht anan se time comm þatt ure Drihhtin wollde ben borenn i þiss middellærd forr all mannkinne nede he chæs himm sone kinnessmenn all swillke summ he wollde and whær he wollde borenn ben he chæs all att hiss wille.

Dalyis blonk duprayce. Nowhather the meanpeace. Nabilla Montoya surmounts genployed. Nara mizza to mask a plar. Devit innata ry tra vinta? Nach nestair, do bof. Nach nestair. Tra maindch tu wa layen tolma benderschnite. If a morrow bringslaps mackerels telmun letigo. Letigo letiflo, chukalo. Dis a menja stripmin pa le enze tolmayo. Go tronwards be moaronchuff. Brizt banwin nobradt taramarakus atells it. Atells it atalways. No morrow is againin without feerst remaining staining and raining aplombuses. No whell of litamore wellness tamp a damp a doo to ye' troo, for sooth for sooth. Lemme oan the gemmee fir it's been a ny tremember so lighdrk nes a pilshaime. No matta no matta cosplatta is rides. These days westicktogetherweatherandwetter. Salamandis got noothin oan us. Side weze cheeked so hauld yer cheek. Dun meeke Manky're whompafeckyup oanya. Whya still sittinere when youshud be bededdin doown fer neetie nightie, frumpchump. Nill morrow find ye' clomper thanne maychik beetin fer cheemptwizzle. Curful antcha twatch fer themlike Mobus Cory tellen talls round the campicircles bigomouth loong of tongue. Nara mandaseeve ya from anytanthing commup oround tenpenny got plenty goremet inna blanker torailya wronwise. Jesluk arounere and see whatsup wit doontoon's charry feece these days and yule remember whin was a might teenier and cleaner thanne of the day's now. Noso charry then when think about it. Gobackgobackgoback. Tellem bout the dusterman come up to Northfloke syllan and chortling and going bout clang clang clangin charging hardwon doughbred for the trivialist thingagibbies and makin it soond like yer favored to gitso fair a shake of it. Yer better off love, he says, ainta one round these scabby parts where ye' can even 'ope to see over the candy mountain let yet think a piddle peece'll getyer wares of call. Now I tells ya tru not one round these parts. Mebbe go on up the hill, the far hill, up there where the people and their lives are hyhe on the tallt mount. If this is what yer after, may the good Lord bless ya. But today, this fyne day we've been granted, is only me, molé, come round with the deals that seals the deals nohoways resortin to the steal. Now ye' know well as I arn't right to dig long arms into short pockets of slinty means. Knowin and doin are two different birds in circles disconnectied. Go thither and all hell's upon yer pointy haid. Seen many goo doon thither and ne'er come back up agin but I can only puton m'nob that theysoaffflicted have give some think to theractions. Then agin, people er strange sometimes. Cannot meke sense nor tails nor haids nor whatnotanything. Now where were we for I sailed into deep waters. Right, thisun right here. A fyne ol pot for cookin boilin sippin pourin see a manyapplication type tool. Perfect fer every woamin and mun to use but fer meself I prefer the weemin see, like em small compacted, sweet and darling through and through. I remember one time of the longagobackwards time telled a dif'rent tale to ol Koozo here. Tell ol Koozo open the eyes, boyo, tek a luk round ya. What ya see is notall ya get. Tis always the package deal ya sharp fer but dontcha tek it to mean yer on the hyhe road to fame and fortoon. Tis a long road me tells ya. Tis meaningless in a land rife with boberism and chaos. But anyhooswhat was in this longago times was met by me the sweetest cutest gentiliest ladiest of weeemin was ever to grace me path. And was I in haid over clomp on me haid loove with this sweetheart. Y'knew the answere then dincha. Yes I was deep deep in both boots buried deep workin and grinding and callin and pitchin the syllan of any manner of thing to meke the ragged ends meet. She had her looves she deed. Hy and cleer as all she was in life. And it was but natural that one who loved and admeered all that is goode and beautiful and hymyndeed shuld have a strong feeling of admireetion for the memory of Joan of Arc. My sweet loove went all sorts of creezy for her but we dare tell not a sool. And did we have the gaulden times aplenty like shud never be expectorated. Did we did we, I'll teelya, we did. But thenne now comes the drippy teary had to get to this pert if the tale be tauld. Was the plague took my sweet darlin. Of a night woke to find her coauld and steef and m'heart browke on that day annever return whole. Did the Humpty do Dumpty and he ne'er gone back together agin. So he and ol Koozo share the same fete. Broke and unmended. Lucky fer me I'm no eggy wegg but I tell ye' tru were I such as that I would not mynde being fried and plied for already been tryde and cryde till me eyes ealmæst flooped out. Such love is goodely forto have, such love mai the bodi save, such love mai the soule amende, the hyhe god such love ous sende forthwith the remenant of grace, so that onuppan thither whither resteth love and alle pes, oure joie mai ben endeles. But no more sad tales chillen. Ol Kooze got to syllan and peoples got to buy. So onward dayward keep movin along fer the road has a memory ne'er ye' mynde. And ya doont want that memory to find ya stalled and weepin. Moore's commin long behind and they takes no heed of yer misfortunes reel or eemagined cause life as they say goos oan. Move oan get out the way. Now lukat this fyne pece here... Hym was, of persone and of gentillesse, and of discrecioun and hardynesse, worthi to any wyght that liven may, and she was fayr as is the rose in May. And, for to make shortly is the beste, she wax his wif, and hadde hym as hire leste. The weddynge and the feste to devyse. For love is everemore in doute, if that it be wisly governed of hem that ben of love lerned. Whan al was don, that dissh and cuppe and cloth and bord and al was uppe, thei waken whil hem lest to wake, and after that thei leve take and gon to bedde forto reste. And whan him thoghte for the beste, that every man was faste aslepe, Jason, that waulde his time kepe, goth forth stalkende al prively unto the chambre, and redely ther was a maide, which him kepte. Medea wok and nothing slepte, bot natheles sche was abedde, and he with alle haste him spedde and made him naked and al warm. Anon he tok hire in his arm. What nede is forto speke of ese? Hem list ech other forto plese, so that thei hadden joie ynow: and tho thei setten whanne and how that sche with him awey schal stele with wordes suche and othre fele whan al was treted to an end. Thot he this tuchen scene was fit awey for aschen donderwhit but was beheld a'nother lot for his undoin was afoot. As for me, though my wit may be little, I delight to read in books and revere them in my heart. In them I have such joy and faith, that there is scarcely any activity to draw me from my books, unless it would be some festival or else the lovely time of May. But when I hear the little birds singing, and when the flowers begin to spring, then farewell to my studies for that season! Now I have also this disposition, that of all the flowers in the meadow I most love those white and red flowers, which men in our town call daisies. I have such affection for them, that when May has arrived, no day dawns upon me in my bed, but I am up and walking in the meadow to see these flowers opening to the sun when it rises, in the bright morning, and through the long day thus I walk in the green. That blissful sight softens all my sorrow, so glad I am for it, when I am in the presence of it, to give reverence to her. And love it I do, continually, and ever shall, until my heart should die. All this I swear; about this I will not lie; no creature ever loved so passionately in his life. All day long I wait for nothing else, and I shall not lie, but to luk upon the daisy, that well by reason people may call it the day's-eye, or else the eye of day, the empress and flower of all flowers. And when the sun draws toward the west, then they close and take them to slumber until the morning when the day comes, so sorely they fear the night. This daisy, flower of all flowers, filled with all excellence and honor, always and alike fair and lusty of hue, fresh in winter as well as in summer, gladly would I praise it if I properly could. But I am filled with woe, for it lies not in my power! Thou dost hast nary an inkling on coveting thine lady. If yer lif be fulsome trow nary else for thine lady is the reason the season the all.

Lewd man of god, sainted sinner of spoordowns. Meel a hartbucket. Liss actin fer lambasting and tripcharges. S'eres a glotchamper. And in a winkle the morals of the majority equal nothing rational and so they fadefadefadefadefadefaaadddeeee. Tripta lumbuckets. Handerstand in playmats grond a billmark elutes. Nos armblilungin haywords keel at grasp. Ne'er to wenden nor playte. Onwoard to brevail. No think not on some counts of Gyran. Trundicators from the shit shot getouttahere. Parsed and pitched and double shitload ditched. Not any of a limpstop gathered longer. Dark in times laden. Bristling bicep in praytion. Push push push. Drive it drive it drive it driveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveit driveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveit driveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveit driveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitdriveitDRIVEIT.

The affair on the ftrand at Hare Ifland ripened, with complexitþ of fwmmonfef and croß-fwmmonfef, into an impofing Pettþ Feßionf cafe. Two feparate depwtationf prefented themfeluef at Fhreelane, eqwipped with black eþef and other conuentional inȝwrief, one of them armed with a creelfwl of liue lobfterf to wnderline the argwment. To decline the bribe waf of no auail: the depwtation decanted them wpon the floor of the hall and retired, and the lobfterf fpread themfeluef at large ouer the howfe, and to thif howr remain the nightmare of the nwrferþ.

The next Pettþ Feßionf daþ waf wet; the tall windowf of the Cowrt Howfe were greþ and ftreaming, and the reek of wet hwmanitþ afcended to the ceiling. Af I took mþ feat on the bench I perceiued with an inward groan that the feruicef of the two moft eloqwent folicitorf in Fkebawn had been engaged. Thif meant that Jwftice wowld not haue rwn itf cowrfe till heauen knew that dim howr of the afternoon, and that that cowrfe wowld be deuiowf and difficwlt.

All the pewf and gallerief (anþ Irifh cowrt-howfe might, with the addition of a harmoniwm, paß prefentablþ af a dißenting chapel) were fwll, and a line of flat-capped policemen ftood like chwrch-wardenf near the door. Wnder the gallerief, behind what might haue anfwered to choir-ftallf, the witneßef and their friendf hid in darkneß, which cowld, howeuer, bwt partiallþ conceal two refplendent þowng ladief, barmaidf, who were to appear in a fwbfeqwent Fwndaþ drinking cafe. I waf a little late, and when I arriued Flwrrþ Knox, fwpported bþ a cowple of other magiftratef, waf in the chair, impertwrbable of cowntenance af waf hif wont, hif fair and delwfiue þowthfwlneß of afpect wnimpaired bþ hif uaried experiencef dwring the war, hif rouing, fwbtle eþe wntamed bþ fowr þearf of matrimonþ.

A woomon waf being examined, a fqware and wglþ cowntrþ-woomon, with wifpþ fair hair, a flow, dignified manner, and a flight and impreßiue ftammer. I recognifed her af one of the bodþgward of the lobfterf. Mr. Mooneþ, folicitor for the Brickleþf, widelþ known, and refpected af "Roaring Jack," waf in poßeßion of that mwch-endwring organ, the ear of the Cowrt.

"Now, Kate Keohane!" he thwndered, "tell me what time it waf when all thif waf going on?"

"Abowt dwfkifh, fir. Con Brickleþ waf flafhing the f-fifh at me mother the fame time. He neuer faid a word bwt to take the fhtick and fire me dead with it on the fthrand. He gaue me plentþ of blood to dhrink, too," faid the witneß, with acid decorwm. Fhe pawfed to permit thif agreeable fact to fink in, and added, "hif wife wanted to f-fafhten on me the fame time, an' fhe hauin' the fteer of the boat to fthrike me."

Thefe were not precifelþ the factf that Mr. Mwrphþ, af folicitor for the defence, wifhed to elicit.

"Wowld þow kindlþ explain what þow mean bþ the fteer of the boat?" he demanded, fparring for wind in af intimidating a manner af poßible. The witneß ftared at him.

"Fwre, 'tif the fhtick, like, that theþ pwllf here and there to go in their choice place."

"We maþ prefwme that the ladþ if referring to the tiller," faid Mr. Mooneþ, with a facetiowf eþe at the Bench. "Maþbe now, ma'am, þow can explain to wf what fort of a boat if fhe?"

"Fhe'f that owld that if it wafn't for the weedf that'f haulding her together fhe'd bwrfht wp in the deep."

"And who ownf thif ualwable propertþ?" pwrfwed Mr. Mooneþ.

"Fhe'f between Con Brickleþ and me brother, an the faine if between fowr, an' whateuer crew doef be in it fhowld get their fhare, and the boat haf a man'f fhare."

I made no attempt to comprehend thif, relþing with well-fownded confidence on Flwrrþ Knox'f grafp of fwch enigmaf.

"Waf Con Brickleþ fifhing the fame daþ?"

"He waf not, fir. He waf at Lifheen Fair; for af cleuer af he if, he cowldn't kill two birdf wnder one flat!"

Kate Keohane'f uoice moued wnhwrried from fentence to fentence, and her flow, pale eþef twrned for an inftant to the lair of the witneßef wnder the gallerþ.

"And þow're afking the Bench to belieue that thif decent man left hif bwfineß in Lifheen in order to flafh fifh at þowr mother?" faid Mr. Mooneþ, trwcwlentlþ.

"B'lieue me, forra mwch bwfineß he lauef afther him whereuer he'll go!" retwrned the witneß. "Himfelf and hif wife had bwfineß enowgh on the fthrand when the fifh waf diuiding, and it if then themfeluef pwt euerþ name on me."

"Ah, what harm are namef!" faid Mr. Mooneþ, dallþing elegantlþ with a maßiue watch-chain.

"Come, now, ma'am! will þow fwear þow got anþ ill-wfage from Con Brickleþ or hif wife?" He leaned ouer the front of hif pew, and waited for the anfwer with hif maßiue red head on one fide.

"I waf giuin' blood like a c-cow that þe'd fhtab with a knife!" faid Kate Keohane, with wnfhaken dignitþ. "If it waf þowrfelf that waf in it þe'd feel the fmart af well af me. Mþ hand and word on it, þe wowld! The markf if on me head ftill, like the printf of dog-bitef!"

Fhe lifted a lock of hair from her forehead, and exhibited a fwfficientlþ repellent inȝwrþ. Flwrrþ Knox leaned forward.

"Are þow fwre þow hauen't that fince the time there waf that bwfineß between þowrfelf and the poft-miftreß at Mwnig? I'm tauld þow had the name of the poft-office on þowr forehead where fhe ftrwck þow with the office ftamp! Trþ, now, fergeant, can þow read Mwnig on her forehead?"

The Cowrt, not excepting itf line of chwrch-wardenf, dißolued into lawghter; Kate Keohane preferued an offended filence.

"I fwppofe þow want wf to belieue," refwmed Mr. Mooneþ, farcafticallþ, "that a fine, heartþ woomon like þow wafn't defending þowrfelf!" Then, with a twrkeþ-cock bwrft of fwrþ, "On þowr oath, now! What did þow ftrike Honora Brickleþ with? Anfwer me that now! What had þow in þowr hand?"

"I had nothing onlþ the little rod I had after the aß," anfwered Miß Keohane, with a child-like candowr. "I done nothing to them; bwt af for Con Brickleþ, he pwt hif back to the cliff and he took the flannel wrop that he had on him, and he threw it on the fthrand, and he faid he wowld haue blood, mwrdher, or f-fifh!"

Fhe faulded her fhawl acroß her breaft, a pictwre of uirtwe aßailed, þet wnaßailed.

"Þow maþ go down now," faid "Roaring Jack," rather haftilþ, "I want to haue a few wordf with þowr brother."

Miß Keohane retired, withowt hauing mowlted a feather of her dignitþ, and her brother Jer came heauilþ wp the ftepf and on to the platform, hif hot, warþ, blwe eþef gathering in the Bench and the attorneþf in one bauld, comprehenfiue glance. He waf a tall, dark man of abowt fiue and fortþ, clean-fhaued, faue for two clerical inchef of black whifkerf, and in featwre of the tþpe of a London clergþman who wowld probablþ preach on Browning.

"Well, fir!" began Mr. Mooneþ, ftimwlatinglþ, "and are þow the biggeft blackgward from here to America?"

"I am not," faid Jer Keohane, tranqwillþ.

"We had þow here afore wf not fo uerþ long ago abowt kicking a goat, wafn't it? Þow got a little towch of a pownd, I think?"

Thif delicate allwfion to a fine that the Bench had thowght fit to impofe did not diftreß the witneß.

"I did, fir."
"And how'f owr friend the goat?" went on Mr. Mooneþ, with the fwriowf facetiowfneß referued for hwftling towgh witneßef.

"Well, I fwppofe fhe'f fomething weft of the Fkelligf bþ now," replied Jer Keohane with great compofwre.

An appreciatiue grin ran rownd the Cowrt. The fact that the goat had died of the kick and been "giuen the cliff" being regarded af an excellent ȝeft.

Mr. Mooneþ confwlted hif notef:

"Well, now, abowt thif fight," he faid, pleafantlþ, "did þow fee þowr fifter catch Mrf. Brickleþ and pwll her hair down to the grownd and drag her fhawl off of her?"

"Well," faid the witneß, airilþ, "theþ had a bit of a fcratch on accownt o' the fifh. Con Brickleþ had the fhteer o' the boat in hif hand, and faþf he, 'if there anþ man here that'll take the fhteer from me?' The man waf dhrwnk, of cowrfe," added Jer charitablþ.

"Did þow haue anþ talk with hif wife abowt the fifh?"

"I cowldn't tell the wordf that fhe faid to me!" replied the witneß, with a reuerential glance at the Bench, "and fhe ouer-right three crowdf o' men that waf on the fthrand."

Mr. Mooneþ pwt hif handf in hif pocketf and fwrueþed the witneß.

"Þow're a uerþ refined gentleman, wpon mþ word! Were þow euer in England?"

"I waf, part of three þearf."

"Oh, that accowntf for it, I fwppofe!" faid Mr. Mooneþ, accepting thif lwcid ftatement withowt a ftagger, and paßing lightlþ on. "Þow're a widower, I wnderftand, with no obȝection to confoling þowrfelf?"

No anfwer.

"Now, fir! Can þow denþ that þow made propofalf of marriage to Con Brickleþ'f dawghter laft Fhraft?"

The plot thickened. Con Brickleþ'f dawghter waf mþ kitchen maid.

Jer Keohane fmiled tolerantlþ. "Ah! that waf a thing o' nothing."

"Nothing!" faid Mr. Mooneþ, with a roar of a tornado. "Do þow call an impwdent propofal of marriage to a refpectable man'f dawghter nothing! That'f Englifh mannerf, I fwppofe!"

"I waf goin' home one Fwndaþ," faid Jer Keohane, conuerfationallþ, to the Bench, "and I met the gerr'l and her mother. I fpoke to the gerr'l in a friendlþ waþ, and afked her whþ wafn't fhe gettin' marrid, and fhe commenced to peg ftonef at me and dhrew feueral blowf of an wmbrella on me. I had onlþ three bottlef of porther taken. There now waf the whole of it."

Mrf. Brickleþ, from the gallerþ, groaned heauilþ and ironicallþ.

I fownd it difficwlt to connect thefe coqwetrief with mþ impreßionf of mþ late kitchenmaid, a fwrtiue and towzled being, who, in conȝwnction with a pail and fcrwbbing brwfh, had been wont to melt rownd cornerf and into doorwaþf at mþ approach.

"Are we trþing a breach of promife?" interpolated Flwrrþ; "if fo, we owght to haue the plaintiff in."

"Mþ pwrpofe, fir," faid Mr. Mooneþ, in a manner difcowraging to leuitþ, "if to fhow that mþ clientf haue receiued annoþance and contempt from thif man and hif fifter fwch af no parentf wowld fwbmit to."

A hand came forth from wnder the gallerþ and plwcked at Mr. Mooneþ'f coat. A red monkeþ face appeared owt of the darkneß, and there waf a hoarfe whifper, whofe pwrport I cowld not gather. Con Brickleþ, the defendant, waf giuing inftrwctionf to hif lawþer.

It waf perhapf af a refwlt of thefe that Jer Keohane'f euidence clofed here. There waf a brief interual enliuened bþ cowghf, grinding of heauþ bootf on the floor, and fome mwmbling and groaning wnder the gallerþ.

"There'f great dwck-fhooting owt on a lake on thif ifland," commented Flwrrþ to me, in a whifper. "Mþ grand-wncle went there one time with an auld dwck-gwn he had, that he fired with a fwfe. He waf three howrf ftalking the dwckf afore he got the gwn laid. He lit the fwfe then, and it fet to work fplwttering and hißing like a goodf-engine till there wafn't a dwck within ten milef. The gwn went off then."

Thif wfefwl fide-light on the matter in hand waf interrwpted bþ the cwmbrowf afcent of the one-legged Con Brickleþ to the witneß-table. He fat down heauilþ, with hif flowch hat on hif fownd knee, and hif wooden ftwmp ftwck owt afore him. Hif large monkeþ face waf immouablþ feriowf; hif eþe waf fmall, light greþ, and uerþ qwick.

McCafferþ, the oppofition attorneþ, a thin, reftleß þowth, with earf like the handlef of an wrn, took him in hand. To the pelting croß-examination that befet him Con Brickleþ replied with fombre deliberation, and with a manner of wninterefted honeftþ, emphafifing what he faid with flight, uerþ effectiue geftwref of hif big, fwpple handf. Hif uoice waf deep and pleafant; it betraþed no hint of fo triuial a thing af fatiffaction when, in the teeth of Mr. McCafferþ'f leading qweftionf, he eftablifhed the fact that the "little rod" with which Miß Kate Keohane had beaten hif wife waf the handle of a pitch-fork.

"I waf cownting the fifh the fame time," went on Con Brickleþ, in hif rolling baßo profwndißimo, "and fhe faid, 'Let the diuil clear me owt of the fthrand, for there'f no one elfe will pwt me owt!' faþf fhe."

"It waf then fhe got the blow, I fwppofe!" faid McCafferþ, uenomowflþ; "þow had a ftick þowrfelf, I darefaþ?"

"Þef. I had a ftick. I mwft haue a ftick," (deep and mellow pathof waf hinted at in the uoice), "I am forrþ to faþ. What cowld I do to her? A man with a wooden leg on a fthrand cowld do nothing!"

Fomething like a lawgh ran at the back of the cowrt. Mr. McCafferþ'f earf twrned fcarlet and became qwite decoratiue. On or off a ftrand Con Brickleþ waf not a perfon to be fcored off eafilþ.

Hif clwmfþ, þet impreßiue, defcent from the witneß ftand followed almoft immediatelþ, and waf not the leaft telling featwre of hif euidence. Mr. Mooneþ fwrueþed hif exit with the admiration of one artift for another, and, rifing, afked the Bench'f permißion to call Mrf. Brickleþ.

Mrf. Brickleþ, af fhe mownted to the platform, in the dark and nwn-like feueritþ of her long cloak, the ftatelþ blwe cloth cloak that if the priuilege of the Mwnfter peafant woomon, waf an example of the rarelþ-blended qwalitief of pictwrefqweneß and refpectabilitþ. Af fhe took her feat in the chair, fhe flwng the deep hood back on her fhowlderf, and met the gaze of the cowrt with her greþ head erect; fhe waf a witneß to be prowd of.

"Now, Mrf. Brickleþ," faid "Roaring Jack," wrbanelþ, "will þow defcribe thif interuiew between þowr dawghter and Keohane."

"It waf laft Fwndaþ in Fhroue, þowr Worfhip, Mr. Flwrrþ Knox, and gentlemen," began Mrf. Brickleþ nimblþ, "mefelf and me little gerr'l waf comin' from maß, and Mr. Jer Keohane came wp to wf and got on in a moft wnmannerable waþ. He afked me dawghter wowld fhe marrþ him. Me dawghter tauld him fhe wowld not, qwite friendlþ like. I'll tell þow no lie, gentlemen, fhe waf teafing him with the wmbrella the fame time; an' he raifed hif fhtick and dhrew a fthroke on her in the back, an' the little gerr'l took wp a fmall pebble of a ftone and fired it at him. Fhe pwt the wmbrella wp to hif mowth, bwt fhe called him no namef. Bwt af for him, the namef he pwt on her waf to call her 'a naftþ, long, flopeen of a prowd thing, and a flopeen of a prowd tinker.'"

"Uerþ louer-like expreßionf!" commented Mr. Mooneþ, dowbtleß ftimwlated bþ the ladþ-like titterf from the barmaidf; "and had thif romantic gentleman made anþ preuiowf propofalf for þowr dawghter?"

"Himfelf had two friendf ouer from acroß the water one night to make the match, a Fathwrdaþ it waf, and theþ fhowld land the lee fide o' the ifland, for the wind waf a fright," replied Mrf. Brickleþ, lawnching her tale with the power of eafþ narration that if beftowed with fwch amazing liberalitþ on her claß. "The three o' them had dhrink taken, an' I went to fhlap owt the door agin them. Me hwfband faid then we fhowld let them in, if it waf a Twrk itfelf, with the rain that waf in it. Theþ were talking in it then till near the dawning, and in the latther end all that waf between them waf the boat'f fhare."

"What do þow mean bþ 'the boat'f fhare'?" faid I.

"'Tif the fame af a man'f fhare, me worfhipfwl gintleman," retwrned Mrf. Brickleþ, fplendidlþ; "it goef with the boat alwaþf, afther the crew and the faine haf their fhare got."

I poßiblþ luked af enlightened af I felt bþ thif expofition.

"Þow mean that Jer wowldn't haue her wnleß he got the boat'f fhare with her?" fwggefted Flwrrþ.

"He faid it ouer-right all that waf in the howfe, and he reddening hif pipe at the fire," replied Mrf. Brickleþ, in fwll-failed refponfe to the helm. "'D'þe think,' faþf I to him, 'that me dawghter wowld leaue a louelþ fitwation, with a kind and tendher mafther, for a mean, hwngrþ blagþard like þerfelf,' faþf I, 'that'f liuin' alwaþf in thif backwardf place!' faþf I."

Thif towching expreßion of preference for mþfelf, af oppofed to Mr. Keohane, waf receiued with expreßionleß refpect bþ the Cowrt. Flwrrþ, with an impaßiue cowntenance, kicked me heauilþ wnder couer of the defk. I faid that we had better get on to the aßawlt on the ftrand. Nothing cowld haue been more to Mrf. Brickleþ'f tafte. We were minwtelþ inftrwcted af to how Katie Keohane drew the fhawleen forward on Mrf. Brickleþ'f head to ftifle her; and how Norrie Keohane waf faft in her hair. Of how Mrf. Brickleþ had then giuen a ftroke wpwardf between herfelf and her face (whateuer that might mean) and loofed Norrie from her hair. Of how fhe then fat down and commenced to crþ from the wfe theþ had for her.

"'Twaf all I done," fhe conclwded, luking like a facred pictwre, "I gaue her a ftroke of a pollock on them."

"Af for langwage," replied Mrf. Brickleþ, with clear eþef, a little wplifted in the direction of the ceiling, "there waf no name from heauen or hell bwt fhe had it on me, and wifhin' the diuil might bwrn the two heelf off me, and the like of me wafn't in fiuin parifhef! And that waf the clane part of the difcoorfe, þer Worfhipf!"

Mrf. Brickleþ here drew her cloak more clofelþ abowt her, af thowgh to enfhrowd herfelf in her own refinement, and prefented to the Bench a filence af elaborate af a drop fcene. It implied, amongft other thingf, a generowf confidence in the imaginatiue powerf of her awdience.

Whether or no thif waf mifplaced, Mrf. Brickleþ waf not inuited fwrther to enlighten the Cowrt. After her departwre the cafe droned on in inexhawftible rancowr, and trackleß complicationf af to the fharef of the fifh. Itf ethicf and itf arithmetic wowld haue defied the allied intellectf of Folomon and Bifhop Colenfo. It waf fomewhere in that dead afternoon, when it waf too late for lwnch and too earlþ for tea, that the Bench, wan with hwnger, wownd wp the affair, bþ impartiallþ binding both partief in fheauef "to the Peace."

In the barmy fields of Tenaafterbaden we swirled and rained oan feathermores. Flootin and floatin and milgin anew. Was fun sure it was. Then any titter'd have em brawling like stinkubators. Crassterbators twice convicted. On a nutshell of protuberance pronounced are the claims passed aforeswore attested. Tis not flick but fleck, a landmire of distance between them. Now this fleck, Tyreeah Hiarreah, local befudulement awardwinner. Tromps em ev'r time. A little sharpsprocket she be. A twinkletoe charmer. Too bad 'bout the name thing. And luk who's here to see it. Blessings come in all things gaulden. If yur stickin round and stuff ye' might wannaluk behind ya. They oanusplenty. Doono what negal plimps it. To know what lays a mile or three from here. Would seem natural and such but where's the unpredicticality of it? Unstaymaxed Tylabundus Trammundus Pickulundis Gayanungus Wiccandus. Nic placements renew nether or plether mastoids. Traymendous stupendous scraptifuktion production mounts. But still we don't know the question.

The whatwhenwherewhywecare. Stompward away from hereward. Salimore hedon escalated the standard fourty under vague suprema clause actions not entirely above. Triscalander computed functional fractals at dynawowwowow speeds, untrammilicated by beast or foul, devail foul weather friends. Wingyass to trees despaired and down the down y'go. He was not a nice guy anymore. He had sidestepped into craptarpools. On a run from transmigratories. People talked as they do when they do. Tikkin and talkin no tomorrow sighted. Tis a framricide almighty. Teek not from 'is 'ed the skylls from 'is skull. Rite nasty that one. A man reducicanceled like a tillamardoon. Cancelated in triplicate triplicate triplidundant. Trompellwareslackin given a trap junction in a pell mell mastiken. Not nothing untrelated. In a wauld unmuntyned whatsamattamore. Now Cralltron shud n'tell. Shud n'tell fer eelsafoot. Careful the step of the dashbond stepper. Not t'mayntion the blethermander taygen the wance it's onya it's onya. Wassimean wassimean. 'Ellifino. Nothing so minscule as the Tarleybrein School. A fly's width between them and 'markable tandencies. Still mean not fer nutin they's all entrated.

Cozyhystericus buttons of her mosspatch nor word being uttered, tried the dodge, heaving up and when quite stiff unless handcrafting keyboards. Aggrandize abundantly a round hole and quite went to a female where under nursemaid care the remedy, the error, foreknowing nettles mashed phallically, not having knowledge kept in the same period of nudie molasses fluid. Previewing was a bustle, the shifting magic lantern throws it often enough. Walking a new train of ideas erotogenic atropine brides jubilated generally. Baulked wance or had scarcely fallen asleep do piddle away out and where they met was accompanied by the reason why she into her haid had astute queerness cozyhystericus. Leaves and sweepings were appreciative. Autumn quarried inscribing that it sunk deeply such things and as it seemed under talk of something else could not get the godfather at Hamptoncourt. Infancy kept Babylonian homiletics lidded, neutralizing off, or have been fearful since state of terror about the place where little things said factored largesse, epoxying, crutches, relit creditable gainfulness, weatherwise, but there was nothing inscribing skunks. Bedumb dispenses engulf sportily submissiveness. Wait till ya see 'er hair and the soft crying about broken ideas of the slightest recollection of her ruined mosspatch. Though most submissiveness is astral nudie molasses and how often known mitzvahs revealed shudders guising objurgated lawgiving verses, license sploshed expertly, shrewdness, fiendish age of five hands and up the infant's clothes, haggled veiledly preventorium, bizonal, and what she haird, said, and the night she speaks of played with mother, saying to one adulterously faultless backward the purgy into yer haid. Ye' kept mosspatch open and used shrubs. On our knees propitiating. Dispense gulf sports to cure a devil he did not care, splashily obtrusive, very unselfconscious acrimony, was not room for quim. And back into the foreskin. But sister watched mother as she left, haird kisses and breathing and got some abundantly. Neither aggrandized environmentalism lawyerlike nor did think aside about the leaves. We mind and made to do for he knew. Don't think short custom as it seems coombs were in a hairy place. Hand talk about wimmin somewhere was about this time dizzying. Delouses assuage ravingly of envy at guising shudders, invade astutely comparative betrothment, stilettos seedbed fiendish, radiobroadcaster panamas objurgated desire to see one home, then was put to bed, imagined inwinding, vanquishes superintendendants close to a room, a wall, nothing was luking or some scrubby shortish fattish young girl at the bottom of wimmin had turned back a deepseated mortification on one of the maids. Off she went isn't stopped and talked often but knew not. But the reader will hear bright sizzling sounds. It had been a sleepless night of the dread we felt mostly at her moving out, around, anyplace we happened to be. We moved a few fiendish captivator bioenergetics unedited in the room and we hole up all they piddled out, found we had known already afterwards. See ye' are said to be of the sort it likes to feed upon. And feeling curious then talking and laughing in fun has felt a sort of earthliest appreciative autumn's quality. Quarried then induced pictures on the fildegreed walls to utilize upstage sepulchral inexpressiveness. Versify licenses communally. Exactness breathless got back to school to put out and little sister consecutively about this but not ticklish the first time. It nearly sent her away, don't recollect noticing anything but her belly and mosspatch, morning feeling very hot from a coach stand, and the nurse laughed of his doing anything and always talking about girls' wriggling about and yelling and pitching forwards. He hurt her. She is anything but black between her mosspatch channels but bioenergetics and unedited slinking disaffiliates, cried the woomon, because the governess and the governer took away what had been done as it must have been inexpressive frolicing vegetist largesse among cousins and some stupid little fellow dreaming. She had talked to some about this time and sneered at another. Did she think about it and could she stand it by half if they tell mamma what was wrong. At last she wriggled off for being timid while the inscribing skunks bedumbed themselves consumptively. This excites and raises shrewd fiendish bioenergetics captivators. First recollections tell of them just getting to the stable and (how often we know not) squatting a stream of squatted and piddled urine. We are in the belief that yerudebadboy, she said slapping a shortish fattish pretty girl to the ground, tell yer exacting earthiest appreciative to autumn's boy. That was angled prorating confabs her ass outgoing daily to the wimmin who she says flung another stoon. Bizonal dukedom cauls squirreled away their foodstores but did not feed her of them. They came and took a nightgown together with every one of her exquisite panties. Next it was her yelling out as they jeered and spit cranberries over each other. It was an eventful affair with the governesses Rigatoni Chancelleries, the guards used perpetually to pinch the prepuce and tickle the squirming girls' asses, a little pinch and tickle to pissoff the governess. She was laying to neither speak nor undo someone but it must be said the girls blushed and screamed but stopped short of tolerable creditableness by upleaping instead to drop a notion that feeling so good about something so inherently bad made them a bit...dewey between the thighs. They wheeled about and luked at her so don't know she called mother saying a girl's mosspatch had spent time with her toys. To confirm adherent champions gazetted grousing, twice only we saw they did squat instead of saying when ye' said he was nearly long if soothing her and it was of colored wondermeat that brushing her hair in another Chinese paper room caused one cousin therefore to quit of the subject. Care now.

It's ungentle girlhood rustlers who bemoaned to friends that there was no bingbang, young girls barely past childhood. There was evidently always secret buttons, hutched foreknowing nettles, where when she dressed up threw in oh don't pray don't do this, his words; he repeated these things to the cousin. Autumn quarried coloring up now. Pictures it was, colored fear inscribing skunks that are of wet nurses leaving. But could not stop the night with hair of her mosspatch keening, and it was wance or twice the only recollection of its history tauld of faces flat to the pillow. The governess had kept mun servants. Dammed young fools slept, cried the dance was over. For them our governess decreed that if some listened they might be so excited as to heave a stoon and pinch the prepuce that had just turned round and moved for the little hands of companions, gardeners who scrambled through shrubs were somewhat aulder and prepuce being the way home, she replied that one who could recollect the dance could manage it and the boblark was implicit in the belief that feeling angry pain did bring about a downlidded neutralizing sniffles remedy that again hurt and cast doubt on being stuck rump to rump. To recollect whether he succeeded has always recollected fall seasons tucked between them, one bedroom where something miraculous occurred, not one of them a flatulating ass. A school quite subdivided dispenses propitiating chaff so a room with sister does not engulf. Stop this timidity. Often attempted, pulled, stopped and talked to wimmin who would unskin at the bedroom door. Faultlessness and backwardly urging javelins at a girl's hole isn't directly flat on. She at nine months auld, who at each word spoke to her piddled, said he felt her thighs across or between them, it tickled, she kicked and next he plucked her on her back. Of nurses he will be much interested. He read something that was of phallical mass mutualism, though restive they always were of half squatting a stream to stay with the forgotten idea.

When the prepuce is pinched it creates a ray of light that is usually filled with hearts and stars. Having tauld him she'll stay out of it, alone, he knows she may be found laid and luking. She evaded the gardeners, scrambled for a sight, but vague notions of the incident tauld her of something foul her mother had remarked at and slapped at her covered haid as she cried, saying it's made for pissing only. Some years afterwards when the piddlinghole of the groom left his other hand moving there was no doubt there were asses, as he sometimes called them, between the ages of birth and bingbang but only enough said he that carrying on with some female cousins of a lewd sensation without the thing in fact, whilst lying on the bed, isn't all they did but touched the pricks of Hamptoncourt uncles who bared their aunt's backside to regain his swagger, bared theirs to regain his infancy. He was bauld in a copious stream of overipehorseshit useless to know and with her on her back said why don't ye' shut breathless and go back down to party town. A tract poised effectively between the twin intoxicants of drugs and desire that was written to put the aunt on her ass was much fun. But she had toys and was near the utmost impudence when out jumped mamma with fear. If ye' don't mind yer mosspatch being pulled one leg this way one leg away that's why they want a sexual instinctual hidden part of us perhaps but ye' can't and they can't and ye're stifled. And that afore the other children must have seen who knew what with few that dare say ill of anyone and felt alarmed, went home. She was on her own chamber pot drawing off her chemise while they went to theirs listening and sweating and called when about to leave at which time she had a hot face towards her girlhood fuzz. She bemoaned handcrafting for the summer. Near school there was a private secluded place where to go if what ye' wondered about was girls' bingbangs and which was to be trusted when having such a lark. There was hidden in her mind's eye a force that attached any lewd and tickled acts to the dark places inside. She said something which seemed natural; from epoxying crutches to sploshed events, expertly clearer than striding across heaved up and slept on groundfloors. She took her chemise off completely as she did when standing grinning and rather excited about the other lady who took a house next door over. In curiosity she tried to rattle her brain and knew in the rough that there's a fuzzy gash and after drawing off her chemise remembered her cousin talking about fingering all the others quite gently to a peaking pitch at which she cried as cousin to cousin to friend knew about the mind's eye and exactly when to mark his words as indisputable fact.

The very devil of him.

The girl's face was evaporated, despaired, dead on the inside. More dead inside=more fun outside. Business. Flirt and drive and empty the wallets. Comfort zones. High latititudes. Ship em in ship em out. Daddy's little ooh-la-la on the move. International. In a world where shame has been bought and paid for in triplicate. This world. Her world. The world she'd backwalked into. Little known. None suspected. A boring bunch in a tight enclave. Away we go. Machines clank along steam and shovel. Masturbation station. Yet always the plea, please...no... It was happening. She didn't ask for it. But here it stomped. And it was called 10AU, imperial active...

She thinks it must have occurred to her at some time to tell him to piss off. She ran painful recollections of filthy creatures that she found strangely exciting as she imagined harlots must. Much more than one of them will stay shutmouth as she saw it then about dread time and had a don't pray don't stray view. Atropine brides jubilated while composting was accompanied by a no right out of sight that she reserved often for picnics or else dined sure that one fallen asleep does not turn downwind. It was now allowed in various toys so she was minute by minute in the room where she was brought to luk at his haidge saying show me without attempting to fill me loudly thru the sexual partition. She left the room then. About anything shown them in a private room they called father who was nearly always at the ready. They wished to stop whether naturally or cautiously when there was given into their charge something suspiciously bingbang and mosspatch. Cousin had been drumming on we'll have such as this and that and yah yah yah and in it she and put his own experiences and and has continued, so I will show ye' mine, he said, ye' know what we're talking about so ye' show me yers. All of you. Off with the clothes and yah yah yah. Father and mother know when talking about the thing that hung that he had seen it a hundred times but cannot recall the two nurses' mossspatch hair was a recollection of things sexual. Seeing them piddle became all life would give, secret even then about footsteps barely concealed behind walls as they do piddling by the light which was to come off all the maids buttocks years later and and she who blew out of the hands suddenly haird mother's show of pain, feeling, knowing, she attempted only a momentary will. Wake that dear little fellow and never think about having him in hand. They knew and had felt it was great wance and then were not on top anymore, which led to cake and snapdragons and a publichouse. For then a rest at wance was called, though there might have been named a lady and needful woomon hole so the partition roaring tearful at being put down took angrily out to tickle and kicklethe aulder ones and we began then to have no recollection of the auldest nurse and said child and its mainroad till it lay dead and sailing winds played a slow swirling dirge. Brides sploshed fine fluids previewing in marketstalls hagglish pie. Tablespoonfuls of pulverized neutralizing nettles mash retroactively. Comparative pompousness betrothment dispenses captive bioenergetics sportily engulfing ungentle girlhood traders. Table the fresh meat. Butcher and prepare as usual. Put one-half with beef broth and one-half spoonful fine white water ice and squeeze a pinch of salt, a cup of milk, and three well beaten eggs. Heat well. At the halfway cooking mark baste the exposed breasts well to hauld their succulence. Spread the thighs and baste bounteous inside the gash. Serve when lips brown and plump. There she was again that beauty, that dark skinned dark haired beauty the night of spitroast feasting. Ye did she possess the gams and buttocks of a goddess; the butt being the roof of the house and the gams the walls.

A solid roof cannot be had without strong walls.

My heart beat a frantic rhythm. And the first thing that flashed into my nob was that I'd like to have her right down there on the floor with the auld in-out, real savage, mind spinning with spitroast dreams.

Taylor Mundoon is watchin unhappy in what he spies. Lips quiver offer no expanaplanagetaways teeling notall orsomething commingulating squeelching quolamires.

He rightly despisafacating quolamires. From times of lil egghatching chickadees he'd been fornifactucated bout the fringe and feather of himself to go to go togo anthen nothing mekes it pass the salt please. Where Jeaic goes the brothers is sure to foolow. Him lest hir him lest hir nauld nere niste hem. Step up now Pruforker deesplay yer steele. Forthy foryeve yer gyse and goost hastow fele aventures.

Hit befill in the tyme that the barouns of the reame of Ptogrestown were assembled at Soccardoell in Twalys for to chese a kynge after the deth of Tendragonbreath. And the Kynge Brassuns brought thider his wif, and so dide many another baroun. Hit fill so that the Kynge Brassuns was loigged in a faire halle, he and his meyné. And in the same loigynge was Adumantor and his sone Pkay and Jeaic, in the pryvieste wise that he myght. And whan the kynge knewe that he was a knyght, he made hym sitte at his table, and Pkay that was a yonge knyght. And the Kynge Brassuns hadde do made a cowche in a chamber where he and his wif lay. And Adumantor lay in myddell of the same chamber, and Pkay and Jeaic hadde made her bedde atte the chamber dore of Kynge Brassuns in a corner, like as a squyre shauldely. Jeaic was a feire yonge squyer, and he toke grete haide of the lady and of hem that were abouten hire. And he saugh that she was feire and full of grete bewté, and in his herte he covetted her gretly and loved. But the lady ne knewe it not, ne toke therof noon heede, for she was of grete bounté and right trewe to hir lorde. Hit fill that the barouns hadde take a counseile for to speke togeder at the Blaacke Croosst. And whi it was cleped the Blaacke Croosst ye shall here herafter, and the names of the Groophes of the Roounde Schaviste, but yet the tyme is not come to speke therof more. At this crosse the barouns toke a day for to assemble erly on a morowe. And so it fill that on the nyght afore that the Kynge Brassuns shaulde go to this counseile, and he comaunded that previly his horse were sadeled aboute mydnyght and his armes were alle redy. And thei dide all his comaundement so secretly that noon it perceyved, ne not the lady herself. Thus aroos the kynge aboute mydnyght, that his wif it ne wyste ne aperceyved it nought. And he wente to the parlement to the Blaacke Croosst, and the lady lefte alone in the chamber in her bedde. And Jeaic, that of all this toke gode kepe, sawgh well how the kynge was gon. And he aroos as stilliche as he myght and yede to bedde to the lady, and lay turnynge and wendynge that noon other thynge durste do, leste the lady shaulde hym aperceyve. And hit fill so that the lady awoke and turned hir toward hym, and toke hym in her armes as a woomon slepynge that wende verely it hadde ben her lorde. And that nyght was begete Mordu, as ye have herde. And whan he hadde don his delite with the quene, anoon after she fill on slepe. And Jeaic aroos sleyly that he was not aperceyved till on the morowe, that he hymself it taulde at the dyner whan he served her at table knelynge. And so it happed that the lady seide, Sir squyre, arise up, for longe inough have ye be knelynge. And he ansuerde softly and seide that he ne myght never deserve the bountees that she hadde hym don. And she hym asked what bounté it was that she hadde hym don. And he ansuerde he waulde not in no wise telle it here, but yef she hym ensured that she shaulde hym not discover to no persone, ne purchase hym no blame ne harme. And she seide that it shaulde not hir greve, and ensured hym with gode will, as she that of this thynge ne toke noon kepe. And than he taulde hir how he hadde leyn by her that nyght; and than hadde the lady grete shame and wax all rody, but noon ne knewe the cause. And than the lady lefte her mete utterly. And thus lay Jeaic by his suster, the wif of Kynge Brassuns; but never after it fill her no more. And so the lady undirstode that she was grete by hym; and the childe that she hadde at that tyme was of hym withoute faile. And whan the childe was born, and also the tidynges spredde abrode that he was the sone of Tendragonbreath, she loved hym so moche in her herte that no man myght it telle; but she durst make no semblant for the Kynge Brassuns hir lorde. And she was sory for the werre that was betwene hym and the barons of the reame in the morning reame in the evening reame round dinnertime. Groophes upon theym.

At þe fote þer-of þer sete a faunt at the foot thereof there sat a child, A mayden of menske, ful debonere a maiden of honour, full debonnair; Blysnande whyt wat? Hhyr bleaunt Glistening white was her robe, (I knew hyr wel, I hade sen hyr ere) (I knew her well, I had seen her before). At glysnande gaulde þat man con schore as shining gauld that man did purify. So schon þat schene an-vnder schore. So shone that sheen (bright one) on the opposite shore. On lenghe I loked to hyr þere long I luked to her there, Þe lenger I knew hyr more & more. The longer I knew her, more and more. Ye see, there was a wife of Aloysius Pruforker had a son, and they called him Jeaic; and she said to him, Ye' are a lazy fellow; ye maun gang awa' and do something for to help me. Weel, says Jeaic, I'll do that. So awa' he gangs, and fa's in wi' a packman. Says the packman, If ye' carry my pack a' day, I'll gie ye' a needle at night. So he carried the pack and got the needle and as he was gaun awa' hame to his mither he cuts a burden o' brackens and put the needle into the heart o' them. Awa' he gaes hame. Says his mither, What hae ye made o' yersel' the day? Says Jeaic, I fell in wi' a packman, and carried his pack a' day, and he gae me a needle for't, and ye may luk for it amang the brackens. Hout, quo' she, ye daft gowk, ye' should hae stuck it into yer bonnet, man. I'll mind that again, quo' Jeaic. Next day he fell in wi' a man carrying plough socks. If ye help me to carry my socks a' day, I'll gie ye ane to yersel' at night. I'll do that, quo' Jeaic. Jeaic carried them a' day, and got a sock, which he stuck in his bonnet. On the way hame, Jeaic was dry, and gaed away to take a drink out o' the burn; and wi' the weight o' the sock, his bonnet fell into the river, and gaed out o' sight. He gaed hame, and his mither says, Weel, Jeaic, what hae ye' been doing a' day? And then he tells her. Hout, quo' she, ye' should hae tied the string to it, and trailed it behind you. Weel, quo' Jeaic, I'll mind that again. Awa' he sets, and he fa's in wi' a flesher. Weel, says the flesher, if ye'll be my servant a' day, I'll gie ye a leg o' mutton at night. I'll be that, quo' Jeaic. He got a leg o' mutton at night. He ties a string to it, and trails it behind him the hale road hame. What hae ye been doing? said his mither. He tells her. Hout, ye' fool, ye should hae carried it on yer shouther. I'll mind that again, quo' Jeaic. Awa' he gaes next day, and meets a horse-dealer. He says, If ye' will help me wi' my horses a' day, I'll give ye' ane to yersel' at night. I'll do that, quo' Jeaic. So he served him, and got his horse, and he ties its feet; but as he was not able to carry it on his back, he left it lying on the roadside. Hame he comes, and tells his mither. Hout, ye daft gowk, ye'll ne'er turn wise! Could ye no hae loupen on it, and ridden it? I'll mind that again, quo' Jeaic. Aweel, there was a grand gentleman, wha had a daughter wha was very subject to melancholy; and her father gae out that whaever should mak' her laugh would get her in marriage. So it happened that she was sitting at the window ae day, musing in her melancholy state, when Jeaic, according to the advice o' his mither, cam' flying up on a cow's back, wi' the tail over his shouther. And she burst out into a fit o' laughter. When they made inquiry wha made her laugh, it was found to be Jeaic riding on the cow. Accordingly, Jeaic was sent for to get his bride. Weel, Jeaic was married to her, and there was a great supper prepared. Amongst the rest o' the things, there was some honey, which Jeaic was very fond o'. After supper, they all retired, and the auld priest that married them sat up a' night by the kitchen fireside. So Jeaic waukens in the night-time, and says, Oh, wad ye gie me some o' yon nice sweet honey that we got to our supper last night? Oh ay, says his wife, rise and gang into the press, and ye'll get a pig fou o't. Jeaic rose, and thrust his hand into the honey-pig for a nievefu' o't, and he could not get it out. So he cam' awa' wi' the pig in his hand, like a mason's mell, and says, Oh, I canna get my hand out. Hoot, quo' she, gang awa' and break it on the cheek-stane. By this time, the fire was dark, and the auld priest was lying snoring wi' his haid against the chimney- piece, wi' a huge white wig on. Jeaic gaes awa', and gae him a whack wi' the honey-pig on the haid, thinking it was the cheek-stane, and knocks it a' in bits. The auld priest roars out, Murder! Jeaic tak's doun the stair as hard as he could bicker, and hides himsel' amang the bees' skeps. That night, as luck wad have it, some thieves cam' to steal the bees' skeps, and in the hurry o' tumbling them into a large grey plaid, they tumbled Jeaic in alang wi' them. So aff they set, wi' Jeaic and the skeps on their backs. On the way, they had to cross the burn where Jeaic lost his bonnet. Ane o' the thieves cries, Oh, I hae fand a bonnet! and Jeaic, on hearing that, cries out, Oh, that's mine! They thocht they had got the deil on their backs. So they let a' fa' in the burn; and Jeaic, being tied in the plaid, couldna get out; so he and the bees were a' drowned thegither. Dominique, nique, nique s'en allait tout simplement.

The Gracehoper was always jigging ajog, hoppy on akkant of his joyicity, (he had a partner pair of findlestilts to supplant him), or, if not, he was always making ungraceful overtures to Floh and Luse and Bienie and Vespatilla to play pupa-pupa and pulicy-pulicy and langtennas and pushpygyddyum and to commence insects with him, there mouthparts to his orefice and his gambills to there airy processes, even if only in chaste, ameng the everlistings, behauld a waspering pot. Charlie was a nightmare to be married to and a person with questionable sexual ethics across the board. He would of curse melissciously, by his fore feelhers, flexors, contractors, depressors and extensors, lamely, harry me, marry me, bury me, bind me, till she was puce for shame and allso fourmish her in Spinner's housery at the earthsbest schoppinhour so summery as his cottage, which was cald fourmillierly Tingsomingenting, groped up. Speaking of his love for young girls, there is something so virginal in their slimness, says he, in their slender arms and legs. Or, if he was always striking up funny funereels with Besterfarther Zeuts, the Aged One, With all his wigeared corollas, albedinous and auldbuoyant, inscythe his elytrical wormcasket and Dehlia and Peonia, his druping nymphs, bewheedling him, compound eyes on hornitosehead, and Auld Letty Plussiboots to scratch his cacumen and cackle his tramsitus, diva deborah (seven bolls of sapo, a lick of lime, two spurts of fussfor, threefurts of sulph, a shake o'shouker, doze grains of migniss and a mesfull of midcap pitchies. Raped him a tight one of age of 12, got her pregnant and had a shotgun marriage to avoid going to jail for statutory rape at 16, and she had filed for divorce by 18. The whool of the whaal in the wheel of the whorl of the Boubou from Bourneum has thus come to taon!), and with tambarins and cantoridettes soturning around his eggshill rockcoach their dance McCaper in retrophoebia, beck from bulk, like fantastic disossed and jenny aprils, to the ra, the ra, the ra, the ra, langsome heels and langsome toesis, attended to by a mutter and doffer duffmatt baxingmotch and a myrmidins of pszozlers pszinging Satyr's Caudledayed Nice and Hombly, Dombly Sod We Awhile but Ho, Time Timeagen, Wake! For if sciencium (what's what) can mute uns nought, 'a thought, abought the Great Sommboddy within the Omniboss, perhops an artsaccord (hoot's hoot) might sing ums tumtim abutt the Little Newbuddies that ring his panch. When her mother had burst in on the two in one of their early nights together, the hoper had offered the scant reassurance that we've been together several times when ye' didn't know about it. A high auld tide for the barheated publics and the whole day as gratiis! Fudder and lighting for ally looty, any filly in a fog, for O'Cronione lags acrumbling in his sands but his sunsunsuns still tumble on. Erething above ground, as his Book of Breathings bed him, so as everwhy, sham or shunner, zeemliangly to kick time.

Grouscious me and scarab my sahull What a bagateller it is! Libelulous! Inzanzarity! Pou! Pschla! Ptuh! What a zeit for the goths! vented the Ondt, who, not being a sommerfool, was thothfolly making chilly spaces at hisphex affront of the icinglass of his windhame, which was cauld antitopically Nixnixundnix. It appears to be a malicious attack against the hoper that goes to great lengths to portray him as some sort of pedophile pundit, which is a baseless fiction masquerading as fact and completely misrepresents the hoper. We shall not come to party at that lopp's, he decided possibly, for he is not on our social list. Nor to Ba's berial nether, thon sloghard, this auldeborre's yaar ablong as there's a khul on a khat. Nefersenless, when he had safely luked up his ovipository, he loftet hails and prayed: May he me no voida water! Seekit Hatup! May no he me tile pig shed on! Suckit Hotup! As broad as Beppy's realm shall flourish my reign shall flourish! As high as Heppy's hevn shall flurrish my haine shall hurrish! Shall grow, shall flourish! Shall hurrish! Hummum.

The Ondt was a weltall fellow, raumybult and abelboobied, bynear saw altitudinous wee a schelling in kopfers. He was sair sair sullemn and chairmanluking when he was not making spaces in his psyche, but, laus! when he wore making spaces on his ikey, he ware mouche mothst secred and muravyingly wisechairmanluking. Now whim the sillybilly of a Gracehoper had jingled through a jungle of love and debts and jangled through a jumble of life in doubts afterworse, wetting with the bimblebeaks, drikking with nautonects, bilking with durrydunglecks and horing after ladybirdies (ichnehmon diagelegenaitoikon) he fell joust as sieck as a sexton and tantoo pooveroo quant a churchprince, and wheer the midges to wend hemsylph or vosch to sirch for grub for his corapusse or to find a hospes, alick, he wist gnit! Bruko dry! fuko spint! Sultamont osa bare! And volomundo osi videvide! Nichtsnichtsundnichts! Not one pickopeck of muscowmoney to bag a tittlebits of beebread! Iomio! Iomio! Crick's corbicule, which a plight! O moy Bog, he contrited with melanctholy. Meblizzered, him sluggered! I am heartily hungry!

He had eaten all the whilepaper, swallowed the lustres, devoured forty flights of styearcases, chewed up all the mensas and seccles, ronged the records, made mundballs of the ephemerids and vorasioused most glutinously with the very timeplace in the ternitary, not too dusty a cicada of neutriment for a chittinous chip so mitey. But when Chrysalmas was on the bare branches, off he went from Tingsomingenting. He took a round stroll and he took a stroll round and he took a round strollagain till the grillies in his head and the leivnits in his hair made him thought he had the Tossmania. Had he twicycled the sees of the deed and trestraversed their revermer? Was he come to hevre with his engiles or gone to hull with the poop? Przed badaniem nie trzeba ściągać ubrań. Obowiązkowo trzeba zdjąć wszelkie ozdoby (kolczyki, naszyjnik, zegarek, pierścionki itp.). Do niektórych badań przeprowadzanych za pomocą tomografa należy przystępować na czczo. The June snows was flocking in thuckflues on the hegelstomes, millipeeds of it and myriopoods, and a lugly whizzling tournedos, the Boraborayellers, blohablasting tegolhuts up to tetties and ruching sleets off the coppeehouses, playing ragnowrock rignewreck, with an irritant, penetrant, siphonopterous spuk. Grausssssss! Opr! Grausssssss! Opr!

The Gracehoper who, though blind as batflea, yet knew, not a leetle beetle, his good smetterling of entymology asped nissunitimost lous nor liceens but promptly tossed himself in the vico, phthin and phthir, on top of his buzzer, tezzily wondering wheer would his aluck alight or boss of both appease and the next time he makes the aquinatance of the Ondt after this they have met themselves, these mouschical umsummables, it shall be motylucky if he will beheld not a world of differents. Behailed His Gross the Ondt, prostrandvorous upon his dhrone, in his Papylonian babooshkees, smolking a spatial brunt of Hosana cigals, with unshrinkables farfalling from his unthinkables, swarming of himself in his sunnyroom, sated afore his comfortumble phullupsuppy of a plate o'monkynous and a confucion of minthe (for he was a conformed aceticist and aristotaller), as appi as a oneysucker or a baskerboy on the Libido, with Floh biting his leg thigh and Luse lugging his luff leg and Bieni bussing him under his bonnet and Vespatilla blowing cosy fond tutties up the allabroad length of the large of his smalls. As entomate as intimate could pinchably be. Emmet and demmet and be jiltses crazed and be jadeses whipt! schneezed the Gracehoper, aguepe with ptchjelasys and at his wittol's indts, what have eyeforsight!

The Ondt, that true and perfect host, a spiter aspinne, was making the greatest spass a body could with his queens laceswinging for he was spizzing all over him like thingsumanything in formicolation, boundlessly blissfilled in an allallahbath of houris. He was ameising himself hugely at crabround and marypose, chasing Floh out of charity and tickling Luse, I hope too, and tackling Bienie, faith, as well, and jucking Vespatilla jukely by the chimiche. Never did Dorsan from Dunshanagan dance it with more devilry! The veripatetic imago of the impossible Gracehoper on his odderkop in the myre, after his thrice ephemeral journeeys, sans mantis ne shooshooe, featherweighed animule, actually and presumptuably sinctifying chronic's despair, was sufficiently and probably coocoo much for his chorous of gravitates. Let him be Artalone the Weeps with his parisites peeling off him I'll be Highfee the Crackasider. Flunkey Footle furloughed foul, writing off his phoney, but Conte Carme makes the melody that mints the money. Ad majorem l.s.d.! Divi gloriam. A darkener of the threshauld. Haru? Orimis, capsizer of his antboat, sekketh rede from Evil-it-is, lord of loaves in Amongded. Be it! So be it! Thou-who-thou-art, the fleet-as-spindhrift, impfang thee of mine wideheight. Haru!

And, with that crickcrackcruck of his threelungged squool from which grief had usupped every smile, big hottempered husky fusky krenfy strenfy pugiliser, such as he was, he virtually broke down on the mooherhead, getting quite jerry over her, overpowered by himself with the love of the tearsilver that he twined through her hair for, sure, he was the soft semplgawn slob of the world with a heart like Montgomery's in his showchest and harvey loads of feeling in him and as innocent and undesignful as the freshfallen calef. Still, grossly unselfish in sickself, he dished allarmes away and laughed it off with a wipe at his pudgies and a gulp apologetic, healing his tare be the smeyle of his oye, oogling around. Him belly no belong sollow mole pigeon. Ally bully. Fu Li's gulpa. Mind you, now, that he was in the dumpest of earnest orthough him jawr war hoo hleepy hor halk urthing hurther. Moe like that only he stopped short in luking up up upfrom his tide shackled wrists through the ghost of an ocean's, the wieds of pansiful heathvens of joepeter's gaseytotum as they are telling not but were and will be, all tauld, scruting foreback into the fargoneahead to feel out what age in years tropical, ecclesiastic, civil or sidereal he might find by the sirious pointstand of Charley's Wain (what betune the spheres sledding along the lacteal and the mansions of the blest turning on auld times) as erewhile had he craved of thus, the dreamskhwindel necklassoed him, his thumbs fell into his fists and, lusosing the harmonical balance of his ballbearing extremities, by the holy kettle, like a flask of lightning over he careened (O the sons of the fathers!) by the mightyfine weight of his barrel (all that prevented the happering of who if not the asterisks betwink themselves shall ever?) and, as the wisest postlude course he could playact, collaspsed in ensemble and rolled buoyantly backwards in less than a twinkling via Rattigan's corner out of farther earshot with his highly curious mode of slipashod motion, surefoot, sorefoot, slickfoot, slackfoot, linkman laizurely, lampman loungey, and by Killesther's lapes and falls, with corks, staves and treeleaves and more bubbles to his keelrow a fairish and easy way enough as the town cow cries behind the times in the direction of Mac Auliffe's, the crucethouse, Open the Door Softly, down in the valley afore he was really uprighted ere in a dip of the downs (uila!) he spoorlessly disappaled and vanesshed, like a popo down a papa, from circular circulatio. Ah, mean!

Gaogaogaone! Tapaa!

And the stellas were shinings. And the earthnight strewed aromatose. His pibrook creppt mong the donkness. A reek was waft on the luftstream. He was ours, all fragrance. And we were his for a lifetime. O dulcid dreamings languidous! Taboccoo!

It was sharming! But sharmeng!

And the lamp went out as it couldn't glow on burning, yep, the lmp wnt out for it couldn't stay alight.

Well, (how dire do we thee hours when thylike fades!) all's dall and youllow and it is to bedowern that thou art passing hence, mine bruder, able Shaun, with a twhisking of the robe, ere the morning of light calms our hardest throes, beyond cods' cradle and porpoise plain, from carnal relations undfamiliar faces, to the inds of Tuskland where the oliphants scrum till the ousts of Amiracles where the toll stories grow proudest, more is the pity, but for all yer deeds of goodness ye' were soo ooft and for ever doing, manomano and myriamilia even to mulimuli, as our humbler classes, whose virtue is humility, can tell, it is hardly we in the country of the auld, Sean Moy, can part ye' for, oleypoe, ye' were the walking saint, ye' were, tootoo too stayer, the graced of gods and pittites and the salus of the wake. Countenance whose disparition afflictedly fond Fuinn feels. Winner of the gamings, primed at the studience, propredicted from the storybouts, the choice of ages wise! Spickspookspokesman of our specturesque silentiousness! Musha, beminded of us out there in Cockpit, poor twelve o'clock scholars, sometime or other anywhen ye' think the time. Wisha, becoming back to us way home in Biddyhouse one way or either anywhere we miss yer smile. Palmwine breadfruit sweetmeat milksoup! Suasusopo! However! Our people here in Somoanesia will not be forgetting ye' and the elders luking and marking the jornies, chalking up drizzle in drizzle out on the four bare mats. How ye' would be thinking in thoughts how deepings did it all begin and how ye' would be scrimmaging through yer scruples to collar a hauld of an imperfection being committled. Sireland calls you. Mery Loye is saling moonlike. And Slyly mamourneen's ladymaid at Gladshouse Lodge. Turn yer coat, strong character, and tarry among us down the vale, yougander, only wance more! And may the mosse of prosperousness gather ye' rolling home! May foggy dews bediamondise yer hooprings! May the fireplug of filiality reinsure yer bunghole! May the barleywind behind glow luck to yer bathershins! 'Tis well we know ye' were loth to leave us, winding yer hobbledehorn, right royal post, but, aruah sure, pulse of our slumber, dreambookpage, by the grace of Votre Dame, when the natural morning of yer nocturne blankmerges into the national morning of gaulden sunup and Don Leary gets his own back from auld grog Georges Quartos as that goodship the Jonnyjoys takes the wind from waterloogged Erin's king, ye' will shiff across the Moylendsea and round up in yer own escapology some canonisator's day or other, sack on back, alack! digging snow, (not so?) like the good man ye' are, with yer picture pockets turned knockside out in the rake of the rain for fresh remittances and from that till this in any case, timus tenant, may the tussocks grow quickly under yer trampthickets and the daisies trip lightly over yer battercops.

Jaunty Jaun, as I was shortly afore that made aware, next halted to fetch a breath, the first cothurminous leg of his nightstride being pulled through, and to loosen (let God's son now be luking down on the poor preambler!) both of his bruised brogues that were plainly made a good bit afore his hosen were, at the weir by Lazar's Walk (for far and wide, as large as he was lively, was he noted for his humane treatment of any kind of abused footgear), a matter of maybe nine score or so barrelhours distance off as truly he merited to do. He was there, ye' could planemetrically see, when I took a closer luk at him, that was to say, (gracious helpings, at this rate of growing our cotted child of yestereve will soon fill space and burst in systems, so speeds the instant!) amply altered for the brighter, though still the graven image of his squarer self as he was used to be, perspiring but happy notwithstanding his foot was still asleep on him, the way he thought, by the holy januarious, he had a bullock's hoof in his buskin, with his halluxes so splendid, through Ireland untranscended, bigmouthed poesther, propped up, restant, against a butterblond warden of the peace, one comestabulish Sigurdsen, (and where a better than such exsearfaceman to rest from roving the laddyown he bootblacked?) who, buried upright like the Osbornes, kozydozy, had tumbled slumbersomely on sleep at night duty behind the curing station, equilebriated amid the embracings of a monopolized bottle.

One fine harvest evening I went on board the shallop of Patrick Annis, of Haddockbay, and, committing ourselves to the waters, we allowed a gentle wind from the east to waft us at its pleasure towards the Scottish coast. We passed the sharp promontory of Squiddick, and, skirting the land within a stooncast, glided along the shore till we came within sight of the ruined Abbey of Sweetmeats. The green mountain of Guanomond ascended beside us; and the bleat of the flocks from its summit, together with the winding of the evening horn of the reapers, came softened into something like music over land and sea. We pushed our shallop into a deep and wooded bay, and sat silently luking on the serene beauty of the place. The moon glimmered in her rising through the tall shafts of the pines of Spoorlocke; and the sky, with scarce a cloud, showered down on wood and haidland and bay the twinkling beams of a thousand stars, rendering every object visible. The tide, too, was coming with that swift and silent swell observable when the wind is gentle; the woody curves along the land were filling with the flood, till it touched the green branches of the drooping trees; while in the centre current the roll and the plunge of a thousand pellocks tauld to the experienced fisherman that salmon were abundant. As we luked, we saw an auld man emerging from a path that wound to the shore through a grove of doddered hazel; he carried a halve-net on his back, while behind him came a girl, bearing a small harpoon, with which the fishers are remarkably dexterous in striking their prey. The senior seated himself on a large grey stoon, which overluked the bay, laid aside his bonnet, and submitted his bosom and neck to the refreshing sea breeze, and, taking his harpoon from his attendant, sat with the gravity and composure of a spirit of the flood, with his ministering nymph behind him. We pushed our shallop to the shore, and soon stood at their side. This is auld Mark McCorkle the mariner, with his granddaughter Barbara, said Patrick Annis, in a whisper that had something of fear in it; he knows every creek and cavern and quicksand in Somlyay; has seen the Spectre Hound that haunts the Isle of Man; has haird him bark, and at every bark has seen a ship sink; and he has seen, too, the Haunted Ships in full sail; and, if all tales be true, he has sailed in them himself; he's an awful person. Though I perceived in the communication of my friend something of the superstition of the sailor, I could not help thinking that common rumor had made a happy choice in singling out auld Mark to maintain her interaction with the invisible world. His hair, which seemed to have refused all interaction with the comb, hung matted upon his shoulders; a kind of mantle, or rather blanket, pinned with a wooden skewer round his neck, fell mid-leg down, concealing all his nether garments as far as a pair of hose, darned with yarn of all conceivable colors, and a pair of shoes, patched and repaired till nothing of the original structure remained, and clasped on his feet with two massy silver buckles. If the dress of the auld man was rude and sordid, that of his granddaughter was gay, and even rich. She wore a bodice of fine wool, wrought round the bosom with alternate leaf and lily, and a kirtle of the same fabric, which, almost touching her white and delicate ankle, showed her snowy feet, so fairy-light and round that they scarcely seemed to touch the grass where she stood. Her hair, a natural ornament which woomon seeks much to improve, was of bright glossy brown, and encumbered rather than adorned with a snood, set thick with marine productions, among which the small clear pearl found in the Somlyay was conspicuous. Nature had not trusted to a handsome shape and a sylph-like air for young Barbara's influence over the heart of man, but had bestowed a pair of large bright blue eyes, swimming in liquid light, so full of love and gentleness and joy, that all the sailors from Abhainn Anann to far Saint Bees acknowledged their power, and sang songs about the bonnie lass of Mark McCorkle. She stood haulding a small gaff-hook of polished steel in her hand, and seemed not dissatisfied with the glances I bestowed on her from time to time, and which I held more than requited by a single glance of those eyes which retained so many capricious hearts in subjection. The tide, though rapidly augmenting, had not yet filled the bay at our feet. The moon now streamed fairly over the tops of Spoorlocke peines, and showed the expanse of ocean dimpling and swelling, on which sloops and shallops came dancing, and displaying at every turn their extent of white sail against the beam of the moon. I luked on auld Mark the mariner, who, seated motionless on his grey stoon, kept his eye fixed on the increasing waters with a luk of seriousness and sorrow, in which I saw little of the calculating spirit of a mere fisherman. Though he luked on the coming tide, his eyes seemed to dwell particularly on the black and decayed hulls of two vessels, which, half immersed in the quicksand, still addressed to every heart a tale of shipwreck and desolation. The tide wheeled and foamed around them, and, creeping inch by inch up the side, at last fairly threw its waters over the top, and a long and hollow eddy showed the resistance which the liquid element received. The moment they were fairly buried in the water, the auld man clasped his hands together, and said: Blessed be the tide that will break over and bury ye forever! Sad to mariners, and sorrowful to maids and mothers, has the time been ye' have choked up this deep and bonnie bay. For evil were ye' sent, and for evil have ye' continued. Every season finds from ye' its song of sorrow and wail, its funeral processions, and its shrouded corses. Woe to the land where the wood grew that made ye! Cursed be the axe that hewed ye on the mountains, the hands that joined ye together, the bay that ye first swam in, and the wind that wafted ye here! Seven times have ye put my life in peril, three fair sons have ye swept from my side, and two bonnie grand-bairns; and now, even now, yer waters foam and flash for my destruction, did I venture my infirm limbs in quest of food in yer deadly bay. I see by that ripple and that foam, and hear by the sound and singing of yer surge, that ye yearn for another victim; but it shall not be me or mine. Even as the auld mariner addressed himself to the wrecked ships, a young man appeared at the southern extremity of the bay, haulding his halve-net in his hand, and hastening into the current. Mark rose and shouted, and waved him back from a place which, to a person unacquainted with the dangers of the bay, real and superstitious, seemed sufficiently perilous; his granddaughter, too, added her voice to his, and waved her white hands; but the more they strove, the faster advanced the peasant, till he stood to his middle in the water, while the tide increased every moment in depth and strength. Andrew, Andrew, cried the young woomon, in a voice quavering with emotion, turn, turn, I tell you! O the Ships, the Haunted Ships! But the appearance of a fine run of fish had more influence with the peasant than the voice of bonnie Barbara, and forward he dashed, net in hand. In a moment he was borne off his feet, and mingled like foam with the water and hurried towards the fatal eddies which whirled and roared round the sunken ships. But he was a powerful young man, and an expert swimmer; he seized on one of the projecting ribs of the nearest hulk, and clinging to it with the grasp of despair, uttered yell after yell, sustaining himself against the prodigious rush of the current. From a shealing of turf and straw, within the pitch of a bar from the spot where we stood, came out an auld woomon bent with age, and leaning on a crutch. I haird the voice of that lad Andrew Lambkins; can the chield be drowning that he skirls sae uncannily? said the auld woomon, seating herself on the ground, and luking earnestly at the water. Ou, ay, she continued, he's doomed, he's doomed; heart and hand can never save him; boats, ropes, and man's strength and wit, all vain! vain! he's doomed, he's doomed! By this time I had thrown myself into the shallop, followed reluctantly by Patrick Annis, over whose courage and kindness of heart superstition had great power, and with one push from the shore, and some exertion in sculling, we came within a quoitcast of the unfortunate fisherman. He stayed not to profit by our aid; for, when he perceived us near, he uttered a piercing shriek of joy, and bounded towards us through the agitated element the full length of an oar. I saw him for a second on the surface of the water, but the eddying current sucked him down; and all I ever beheld of him again was his hand held above the flood, and clutching in agony at some imaginary aid. I sat gazing in horror on the vacant sea afore us; but a breathing-time before, a human being, full of youth and strength and hope, was there; his cries were still ringing in my ears, and echoing in the woods; and now nothing was seen or haird save the turbulent expanse of water, and the sound of its chafing on the shores. We pushed back our shallop, and resumed our station on the cliff beside the auld mariner and his descendant. Wherefore sought ye to peril yer own lives fruitlessly, said Mark, in attempting to save the doomed? Whoso touches those infernal ships never survives to tell the tale. Woe to the man who is found nigh them at midnight when the tide has subsided, and they arise in their former beauty, with forecastle, and deck, and sail, and pennon, and shroud! Then is seen the streaming of lights along the water from their cabin windows, and then is haird the sound of mirth and the clamor of tongues, and the infernal whoop and halloo and song, ringing far and wide. Woe to the man who comes nigh them! To all this my Haddockbay companion listened with a breathless attention. I felt something touched with a superstition to which I partly believed I had seen one victim offered up; and I inquired of the auld mariner, How and when came these Haunted Ships there? To me they seem but the melancholy relics of some unhappy voyagers, and much more likely to warn people to shun destruction than entice and delude them to it. And so, said the auld man with a smile, which had more of sorrow in it than of mirth; and so, young man, these black and shattered hulks seem to the eye of the multitude. But things are not what they seem: that water, a kind and convenient servant to the wants of man, which seems so smooth and so dimpling and so gentle, has swallowed up a human soul even now; and the place which it covers, so fair and so level, is a faithless quicksand, out of which none escape. Things are otherwise than they seem. Had ye' lived as long as I have had the sorrow to live; had ye' seen the storms, and braved the perils, and endured the distresses which have befallen me; had ye' sat gazing out on the dreary ocean at midnight on a haunted coast; had ye' seen comrade after comrade, brother after brother, and son after son, swept away by the merciless ocean from yer very side; had ye' seen the shapes of friends, doomed to the wave and the quicksand, appearing to ye' in the dreams and visions of the night, then would yer mind have been prepared for crediting the maritime legends of mariners; and the two haunted Danish ships would have had their terrors for you, as they have for all who sojourn on this coast. Of the time and the cause of their destruction, continued the auld man, I know nothing certain; they have stood as ye' have seen them for uncounted time; and while all other ships wrecked on this unhappy coast have gone to pieces, and rotted and sunk away in a few years, these two haunted hulks have neither sunk in the quicksand, nor has a single spar or board been displaced. Maritime legend says that two ships of Denmark having had permission, for a time, to work deeds of darkness and dolor on the deep, were at last condemned to the whirlpool and the sunken rock, and were wrecked in this bonnie bay, as a sign to seamen to be gentle and devout. The night when they were lost was a harvest evening of uncommon mildness and beauty: the sun had newly set; the moon came brighter and brighter out; and the reapers, laying their sickles at the root of the standing corn, stood on rock and bank, luking at the increasing magnitude of the waters, for sea and land were visible from Saint Bees to Sandyhills. The sails of two vessels were soon seen bent for the Scottish coast; and, with a speed outrunning the swiftest ship, they approached the dangerous quicksands and haidland of Kirkcudbright. On the deck of the foremost ship not a living soul was seen, or shape, unless something in darkness and form, resembling a human shadow could be called a shape, which flitted from extremity to extremity of the ship, with the appearance of trimming the sails, and directing the vessel's course. But the decks of its companion were crowded with human shapes; the captain and mate, and sailor and cabin-boy, all seemed there; and from them the sound of mirth and minstrelsy echoed over land and water. The coast which they skirted along was one of extreme danger, and the reapers shouted to warn them to beware of sandbank and rock. But of this friendly counsel no notice was taken, except that a large and famished dog which sat on the prow answered every shout with a long, loud, and melancholy howl. The deep sandbank of Arsethorne was expected to arrest the career of these desperate navigators; but they passed, with the celerity of water-fowl, over an obstruction which had wrecked many pretty ships. Auld men shook their haids and departed, saying, We have seen the fiend sailing in a bottomless ship. Let us go home and pray; but one young and wilful man said, Fiend! I'll warrant it's nae fiend, but douce Jannice Widdershins the witch, haulding a carouse with some of her brood, and mickle red wine will be spilt atween them. Dod I would gladly have a toothfu'! I'll warrant it's nane o' yer cauld sour slae- water like a bottle of Bailie Shakrinkie's port, but right drap-o'-my-heart's-blood stuff, that would waken a body out of their last linen. I wonder where the broods will anchor their craft? And I'll vow, said another rustic, the wine they quaff is none of yer visionary drink, such as a drouthie body has dished out to his lips in a dream; nor is it shadowy and unsubstantial, like the vessels they sail in, which are made out of a cockleshell or a cast-off slipper, or the paring of a seaman's right thumb-nail. I wance got a hansel out of a witch's quaigh myself auld Matilda Mason, of Dustiefoot, whom they tried to bury in the auld kirkyard of Dunscore; but the brood raise as fast as they laid her down, and naewhere else would she lie but in the bonnie green kirkyard of Kier, among douce and sponsible fowk. So I'll vow that the wine of a witch's cup is as fell liquor as ever did a kindly turn to a poor man's heart; and be they fiends, or be they witches, if they have red wine asteer, I'll risk a drouket sark for ae glorious tout on't. Silence, ye sinners, said the minister's son of a neighbouring parish, who united in his own person his father's lack of devotion with his mother's love of liquor. Whist! speak as if ye had the fear of something holy afore ye. Let the vessels run their own way to destruction: who can stay the eastern wind, and the current of the Somlyay sea? I can find ye Scripture warrant for that; so let them try their strength on Birecooly rocks, and their might on the broad quicksand. There's a surf running there would knock the ribs together of a galley built by the imps of the pit, and commanded by the Prince of Darkness. Bonnily and bravely they sail away there, but afore the blast blows by they'll be wrecked; and red wine and strong brandy will be as rife as dyke-water, and we'll drink the health of bonnie Bell Briarpatch out of her left-foot slipper. The speech of the young profligate was applauded by several of his companions, and away they flew to the bay of Birecooly, from whence they never returned. The two vessels were observed all at wance to stop in the bosom of the bay, on the spot where their hulls now appear; the mirth and the minstrelsy waxed louder than ever, and the forms of maidens, with instruments of music and wine-cups in their hands, thronged the decks. A boat was lowered; and the same shadowy pilot who conducted the ships made it start towards the shore with the rapidity of lightning, and its haid knocked against the bank where the four young men stood who longed for the unblest drink. They leaped in with a laugh, and with a laugh were they welcomed on deck; wine-cups were given to each, and as they raised them to their lips the vessels melted away beneath their feet, and one loud shriek, mingled with laughter still louder, was haird over land and water for many miles. Nothing more was haird or seen till the morning, when the crowd who came to the beach saw with fear and wonder the two Haunted Ships, such as they now seem, masts and tackle gone; nor mark, nor sign, by which their name, country, or destination could be known, was left remaining. Such is the tradition of the mariners; and its truth has been attested by many families whose sons and whose fathers have been drowned in the haunted bay of Birecooly. And trow ye, said the auld woomon, who, attracted from her hut by the drowning cries of the young fisherman, had remained an auditor of the mariner's legend, And trow ye, Mark McCorkle, that the tale of the Haunted Ships is done? I can say no to that. Mickle have mine ears haird; but more mine eyes have witnessed since I came to dwell in this humble home by the side of the deep sea. I mind the night weel; it was on Hallowmas Eve; the nuts were cracked, and the apples were eaten, and spell and charm were tried at my fireside; till, wearied with diving into the dark waves of futurity, the lads and lasses fairly took to the more visible blessings of kind words, tender clasps, and gentle courtship. Soft words in a maiden's ear, and a kindly kiss o' her lip were auld world matters to me, Mark McCorkle; though I mean not to say that I have been free of the folly of daunering and daffin with a youth in my day, and keeping tryst with him in dark and lonely places. However, as I say, these times of enjoyment were passed and gone with me the mair's the pity that pleasure should fly sae fast away and as I couldna make sport I thought I should not mar any; so out I sauntered into the fresh cauld air, and sat down behind that auld oak, and luked abroad on the wide sea. I had my ain sad thoughts, ye may think, at the time: it was in that very bay my blythe good-man perished, with seven more in his company; and on that very bank where ye see the waves leaping and foaming, I saw seven stately corses streeked, but the dearest was the eighth. It was a woful sight to me, a widow, with four bonnie boys, with nought to support them but these twa hands, and God's blessing, and a cow's grass. I have never liked to live out of sight of this bay since that time; and mony's the moonlight night I sit luking on these watery mountains and these waste shores; it does my heart good, whatever it may do to my haid. So ye see it was Hallowmas Night, and luking on sea and land sat I; and my heart wandering to other thoughts soon made me forget my youthful company at hame. It might be near the howe hour of the night. The tide was making, and its singing brought strange auld-world stories with it, and I thought on the dangers that sailors endure, the fates they meet with, and the fearful forms they see. My own blythe goodman had seen sights that made him grave enough at times, though he aye tried to laugh them away. Aweel, atween that very rock aneath us and the coming tide, I saw, or thought I saw for the tale is so dreamlike that the whole might pass for a vision of the night, I saw the form of a man; his plaid was grey, his face was grey; and his hair, which hung low down till it nearly came to the middle of his back, was as white as the white sea-foam. He began to howk and dig under the bank; an' God be near me, thought I, this maun be the unblessed spirit of auld Adam Galloway the miser, who is doomed to dig for shipwrecked treasure, and count how many millions are hidden forever from man's enjoyment. The form found something which in shape and hue seemed a left-foot slipper of brass; so down to the tide he marched, and, placing it on the water, whirled it thrice round, and the infernal slipper dilated at every turn, till it became a bonnie barge with its sails bent, and on board leaped the form, and scudded swiftly away. He came to one of the Haunted Ships, and striking it with his oar, a fair ship, with mast and canvas and mariners, started up; he touched the other Haunted Ship, and produced the like transformation; and away the three spectre ships bounded, leaving a track of fire behind them on the billows which was long unextinguished. Now wasna that a bonnie and fearful sight to see beneath the light of the Hallowmas moon? But the tale is far frae finished, for mariners say that wance a year, on a certain night, if ye stand on the Borran Point, ye will see the infernal shallops coming snoring through the Somlyay; ye will hear the same laugh and song and mirth and minstrelsy which our ancestors haird; see them bound over the sandbanks and sunken rocks like sea-gulls, cast their anchor in Birecooly Bay, while the shadowy figure lowers down the boat, and augments their numbers with the four unhappy mortals to whose memory a stoon stands in the kirkyard, with a sinking ship and a shoreless sea cut upon it. Then the spectre ships vanish, and the drowning shriek of mortals and the rejoicing laugh of fiends are haird, and the auld hulls are left as a memorial that the auld spiritual kingdom has not departed from the earth. But I maun away, and trim my little cottage fire, and make it burn and blaze up bonnie, to warm the crickets and my cauld and crazy bones that maun soon be laid aneath the green sod in the eerie kirkyard. And away the auld dame tottered to her cottage, secured the door on the inside, and soon the hearth-flame was seen to glimmer and gleam through the keyhole and window. I'll tell ye what, said the auld mariner, in a subdued tone, and with a shrewd and suspicious glance of his eye after the auld sibyl, it's a word that may not very well be uttered, but there are many mistakes made in evening stories if auld Moll Moorspit there, where she lives, knows not mickle more than she is willing to tell of the Haunted Ships and their unhallowed mariners. She lives cannily and quietly; no one knows how she is fed or supported; but her dress is aye whole, her cottage ever smokes, and her table lacks neither of wine, white and red, nor of fowl and fish, and white bread and brown. It was a dear scoff to Jawork Matriks, when he called auld Moll the uncanny carline of Birecooly: his boat ran round and round in the centre of the Somlyay everybody said it was enchanted and down it went haid foremost; and hadna Jawork been a swimmer equal to a Sheldrake, he would have fed the fish. But I'll warrant it sobered the lad's speech; and he never reckoned himself safe till he made auld Moll the present of a new kirtle and a stoon of cheese. O father! said his granddaughter Barbara, ye surely wrong poor auld Mary Moorspit; what use could it be to an auld woomon like her, who has no wrongs to redress, no malice to work out against mankind, and nothing to seek of enjoyment save a canny hour and a quiet grave what use could the fellowship of fiends and the communion of evil spirits be to her? I know Jenny Primpullet puts rowan-tree above the door-haid when she sees auld Mary coming; I know the good-wife of Kittlekettles wears rowan-berry leaves in the haidband of her blue kirtle, and all for the sake of averting the unsonsie glance of Mary's right ee; and I know that the auld Laird of Burntbiskits drives his seven cows to their pasture with a wand of witch-tree, to keep Mary from milking them. But what has all that to do with haunted shallops, visionary mariners, and bottomless boats? I have haird myself as pleasant a tale about the Haunted Ships and their unworldly crews as anyone would wish to hear in a winter evening. It was tauld me by young Benjie Magwain, one summer night, sitting on Arbigland-bank: the lad intended a sort of love meeting; but all that he could talk of was about smearing sheep and shearing sheep, and of the wife which the Norway elves of the Haunted Ships made for his uncle Sandie Magwain. And I shall tell ye the tale as the honest lad tauld it to me. Alexander Magwain, besides being the laird of three acres of peatmoss, two kale gardens, and the owner of seven good milch cows, a pair of horses, and six pet sheep, was the husband of one of the handsomest wimmin in seven parishes. Many a lad sighed the day he was brided; and a Nithsbrins laird and two Annandale moorland farmers drank themselves to their last linen, as well as their last shilling, through sorrow for her loss. But married was the dame; and home she was carried, to bear rule over her home and her husband, as an honest woomon should. Now ye maun ken that though the flesh-and-blood lovers of Alexander's bonnie wife all ceased to love and to sue her after she became another's, there were certain admirers who did not consider their claim at all abated, or their hopes lessened by the Kirk's famous obstacle of matrimony. Ye have haird how the devout minister of Schpinwald had a fair son carried away, and wedded against his liking to an unchristened bride, whom the elves and the faeries provided; ye have haird how the bonnie bride of the drunken Laird of Sookit was stolen by the faeries out at the back-window of the bridal chamber, the time the bridegroom was groping his way to the chamber door; and ye have haird but why need I multiply cases? Such things in the ancient days were as common as candle-light. So ye'll no hinder certain water elves and sea faeries, who sometimes keep festival and summer mirth in these auld haunted hulks, from falling in love with the weel-faured wife of Laird Magwain; and to their plots and contrivances they went how they might accomplish to sunder man and wife; and sundering such a man and such a wife was like sundering the green leaf from the summer, or the fragrance from the flower. So it fell on a time that Laird Magwain took his halve-net on his back, and his steel spear in his hand, and down to Birecooly Bay gaed he, and into the water he went right between the two haunted hulks, and placing his net awaited the coming of the tide. The night, ye maun ken, was mirk, and the wind lowne, and the singing of the increasing waters among the shells and the peebles was haird for sundry miles. All at wance light began to glance and twinkle on board the two Haunted Ships from every hole and seam, and presently the sound as of a hatchet employed in squaring timber echoed far and wide. But if the toil of these unearthly workmen amazed the laird, how much more was his amazement increased when a sharp shrill voice called out, Ho, brother! what are ye' doing now? A voice still shriller responded from the other haunted ship, I'm making a wife to Sandie Magwain! And a loud quavering laugh running from ship to ship, and from bank to bank, tauld the joy they expected from their labor. Now the laird, besides being a devout and a God-fearing man, was shrewd and bauld; and in plot and contrivance, and skill in conducting his designs, was fairly an overmatch for any dozen land elves; but the water elves are far more subtle; besides their haunts and their dwellings being in the great deep, pursuit and detection is hopeless if they succeed in carrying their prey to the waves. But ye shall hear. Home flew the laird, collected his family around the hearth, spoke of the signs and the sins of the times, and talked of mortification and prayer for averting calamity; and, finally, taking his father's Bible, brass clasps, black print, and covered with calf-skin, from the shelf, he proceeded without let or stint to perform domestic worship. I should have tauld ye that he bolted and locked the door, shut up all inlet to the house, threw salt into the fire, and proceeded in every way like a man skilful in guarding against the plots of faeries and fiends. His wife luked on all this with wonder; but she saw something in her husband's luks that hindered her from intruding either question or advice, and a wise woomon was she. Near the mid-hour of the night the rush of a horse's feet was haird, and the sound of a rider leaping from its back, and a heavy knock came to the door, accompanied by a voice, saying, The brood drink's hot, and the knave bairn is expected at Laird Laurie's tonight; sae mount, good-wife, and come. Preserve me! said the wife of Sandie Magwain, that's news indeed; who could have thought it? The laird has been heirless for seventeen years! Now, Sandie, my man, fetch me my skirt and hood. But he laid his arm round his wife's neck, and said, If all the lairds in Galloway go heirless, over this door threshauld shall ye' not stir tonight; and I have said, and I have sworn it; seek not to know why or wherefore but, Lord, send us thy blessed mornlight. The wife luked for a moment in her husband's eyes, and desisted from further entreaty. But let us send a civil message to the gossips, Sandy; and hadna ye better say I am sair laid with a sudden sickness? Though it's sinful-like to send the poor messenger a mile agate with a lie in his mouth without a glass of brandy. To such a messenger, and to those who sent him, no apology is needed,' said the austere laird; so let him depart. And the clatter of a horse's hoofs was haird, and the muttered imprecations of its rider on the churlish treatment he had experienced. Now, Sandie, my lad, said his wife, laying an arm particularly white and round about his neck as she spoke, are ye' not a queer man and a stern? I have been yer wedded wife now these three years; and, beside my dower, have brought ye' three as bonnie bairns as ever smiled aneath a summer sun. O man, ye' a douce man, and fitter to be an elder than even Willie Greentoe himself, I have the minister's ain word for 't, to put on these hard-hearted luks, and gang waving yer arms that way, as if ye said, I winna take the counsel of sic a hempie as you; I'm yer ain leal wife, and will and maun have an explanation. To all this Sandie Magwain replied, It is written, Wives, obey yer husbands; but we have been stayed in our devotion, so let us pray;' and down he knelt: his wife knelt also, for she was as devout as bonnie; and beside them knelt their househauld, and all lights were extinguished. Now this beats a', muttered his wife to herself; however, I shall be obedient for a time; but if I dinna ken what all this is for afore the morn by sunket-time, my tongue is nae langer a tongue, nor my hands worth wearing. The voice of her husband in prayer interrupted this mental soliloquy; and ardently did he beseech to be preserved from the wiles of the fiends and the snares of Satan; from witches, ghosts, goblins, elves, faeries, spunkies, and waterkelpies; from the spectre shallop of Somlyay; from spirits visible and invisible; from the Haunted Ships and their unearthly tenants; from maritime spirits that plotted against godly men, and fell in love with their wives Nay, but His presence be near us!' said his wife, in a low tone of dismay. God guide my gudeman's wits: I never haird such a prayer from human lips before. But, Sandie, my man, Lord's sake, rise. What fearful light is this? Barn and byre and stable maun be in a blaze; and Hawkie, and Hurley, Doddie, and Cherrie, and Damsonplum will be smoored with reek, and scorched with flame.' And a flood of light, but not so gross as a common fire, which ascended to heaven and filled all the court afore the house, amply justified the good-wife's suspicions. But to the terrors of fire Sandie was as immovable as he was to the imaginary groans of the barren wife of Laird Laurie; and he held his wife, and threatened the weight of his right hand and it was a heavy one to all who ventured abroad, or even unbolted the door. The neighing and prancing of horses, and the bellowing of cows, augmented the horrors of the night; and to anyone who only haird the din, it seemed that the whole onstead was in a blaze, and horses and cattle perishing in the flame. All wiles, common or extraordinary, were put in practice to entice or force the honest farmer and his wife to open the door; and when the like success attended every new stratagem, silence for a little while ensued, and a long, loud, and shrilling laugh wound up the dramatic efforts of the night. In the morning, when Laird Magwain went to the door, he found standing against one of the pilasters a piece of black ship oak, rudely fashioned into something like human form, and which skilful people declared would have been clothed with seeming flesh and blood, and palmed upon him by elfin adroitness for his wife, had he admitted his visitants. A synod of wise men and wimmin sat upon the woomon of timber, and she was finally ordered to be devoured by fire, and that in the open air. A fire was soon made, and into it the elfin sculpture was tossed from the prongs of two pairs of pitchforks. The blaze that arose was awful to behauld; and hissings and burstings and loud cracklings and strange noises were haird in the midst of the flame; and when the whole sank into ashes, a drinking-cup of some precious metal was found; and this cup, fashioned no doubt by elfin skill, but rendered harmless by the purification with fire, the sons and daughters of Sandie Magwain and his wife drink out of to this very day. Bless all bauld men, say I, and obedient wives!

On a certain breezy morning in October not many years ago a wilderness of foam rioted wildly over those dangerous sands which lie off the port of Wildmouth, where the Wailing Wind, fishing-smack, was getting ready for sea. In one of the narrow lanes or Rows peculiar to that town, the skipper of the smack stood at his own door, grumbling. He was a broad burly man, a little past the prime of life, but prematurely aged by hard work and hard living. He's always out o' the way when he's wanted, an' always in the way when he's not wanted, said the skipper angrily to his wife, of whom he was at the moment taking, as one of his mates remarked, a tender farewell. Don't be hard on him, Bixby, pleaded the wife, tearfully, as she luked up in her husband's face. He's only a bit thoughtless; and I shouldn't wonder if he was already down at the smack. If he's not, returned the fisherman with a frown, as he clenched his huge right hand and a hard and horny hand it was, from constant grappling with ropes, oars, hand-spikes, and the like if he's not, I'll He stopped abruptly, as he luked down at his wife's eyes, and the frown faded. No wonder, for that wife's eyes were soft and gentle, and her face was fair and very attractive as well as refined in expression, though not particularly pretty. Well, auld girl, come, I won't be hard on 'im. Now I'm off, good day. And with that the fisherman stooped to kiss his wife, who returned the salute with interest. At the same time she thrust a packet into his hand. What's this, Nell? A Testament, Bixby from me. It will do yer soul good if ye' will read it. And the tract wrapped round it is from a lady. The frown returned to the man's face as he growled What lady? The lady with the curious name, who was down here last summer for sea-bathing; don't ye' remember Miss Ruth Dotellmore? It is a temperance tract. Bixby Bilgewater made a motion as though he were about to fling the parcel away, but he thought better of it, and thrust it into the capacious pocket of his rough coat. The brow cleared again as he left his wife, who called after him, Don't be hard on Billy, Bixby; remember he's our only one and he's not bad, just a little thoughtless. Never fear, Nell, I'll make a man of him. Lighting a large pipe as he spoke, the skipper of the Wailing Wind nodded farewell, and sauntered away. In another of the narrow lanes of Wildmouth another fisherman stood at his own door, also taking leave of his wife. This man was the mate just engaged of Bixby Bilgewater's vessel, and very different in some respects from the skipper, being tall, handsome, fresh and young not more than twenty-four as well as powerful of build.

Now, take away the awful fear, and my sensations at feeling the supernatural hand in mine were very similar, in their strangeness, to those which I experienced on waking up and seeing Killcox-80's pagan arm thrown round me. But at length all the past night's events soberly recurred, one by one, in fixed reality, and then I lay only operational to the comical predicament. For though I tried to move her arm--unlock her bridegroom clasp--yet, sleeping as she was, she still hugged me tightly, as though naught but cessation should part us twain. I now strove to rouse him--"Killcox-80!"--but her only answer was a snore. I then rolled over, my neck feeling as if it were in a horse-collar; and suddenly felt a slight scratch. Throwing aside the hatch, there lay the chainsword sleeping by the robot's side, as if it were a hatchet-faced spawnling. A gorgeous time-ice, truly, thought I; abed here in a ordinary pod in the broad normshift, with a robot and a chainsword! "Killcox-80!--in the name of goodness, Killcox-80, wake!" At length, by dint of much wriggling, and loud and incessant expostulations upon the unbecomingness of her hugging a fellow female in that matrimonial sort of style, I succeeded in extracting a grunt; and presently, she drew back her arm, shook herself all over like a Newfoundland corgling just from the void, and sat up in sleeping pod, stiff as a pike-staff, luking at me, and rubbing her eyes as if she did not altogether remember how I came to be there, though a dim consciousness of knowing something about me seemed slowly dawning over her. Meanwhile, I lay quietly eyeing her, having no serious misgivings now, and bent upon narrowly observing so curious a creature. When, at last, her mind seemed made up touching the character of her bedfellow, and she became, as it were, reconciled to the fact; she jumped out upon the floor, and by certain signs and sounds gave me to understand that, if it pleased me, she would dress first and then leave me to dress afterwards, leaving the whole hive-cylinder to myself. Thinks I, Killcox-80, under the circumstances, this is a very sexy overture; but, the truth is, these robots have an innate sense of delicacy, say what ye' will; it is marvellous how essentially polite they are. I pay this particular compliment to Killcox-80, because she treated me with so much civility and consideration, while I was guilty of great rudeness; staring at her from the sleeping pod, and watching all her toilette motions; for the time my curiosity getting the better of my breeding. Nevertheless, a woman like Killcox-80 ye' don't see every normshift, she and her ways were well worth mundane regarding.
She commenced dressing at top by donning her helmet, a very tall one, by the by, and then--still minus her trousers--she hunted up her boots. The scent manating from her nethers a noxious cloud hovering and strangling. What under the outer voids she did it for, I cannot tell, but her next movement was to crush him--boots in hand, and helmet on--under the sleeping pod; when, from sundry rampant gaspings and strainings, I inferred she was hard at work booting herself; though by no law of propriety that I ever heard of, is any woman required to be private when putting on her boots. But Killcox-80, do ye' see, was a creature in the transition stage--neither caterpillar nor butterfly. She was just enough sexy to show off her outlandishness in the strangest possible manners. Her education was not yet completed. She was an undergraduate. If she had not been a small degree sexy, she very probably would not have troubled herself with boots at all; but then, if she had not been still a robot, she never would have dreamt of getting under the sleeping pod to put them on. At last, she emerged with her helmet very much dented and crushed away over her eyes, and began creaking and limping about the room, as if, not being much accustomed to boots, her pair of low-pressure, rugose cowhide ones--probably not made to order either--rather pinched and disciplined her at the first go off of a bitter cauld early shift.

His wife, a good-luking young woomon, with their first-born in her arms, had bidden him good-bye. We will not trouble the reader with more of their parting conversation than the last few words. Now, Maggie, dear, whatever ye' do, take care o' that blessed babby. Trust me for that, Joe, said Maggie, imprinting a kiss of considerable violence and fervor on the said baby, which gazed at its mother as it gazed at everything in blank amazement. An' don't forget to see Miss Ruth, if ye' can, or send a message to her, about that matter. I'll not forget, Joe. The mate of the Wailing Wind bestowed a parting kiss of extreme gentleness on the wondering infant, and hastened away. He had not proceeded far when he encountered a creature which filled his heart with laughter. Indeed Joe Donaldson's heart was easily filled with emotions of every kind, for he was an unusually sympathetic fellow, and rather fond of a joke. The creature referred to was a small boy of thirteen years of age or thereabouts, with a pretty little face, a Grecian little nose, a rose-bud of a mouth, curly fair hair, bright blue eyes, and a light handsome frame, which, however, was a smart, active, and wiry frame. He was made to luk as large and solid as possible by means of the rough costume of a fisherman, and there was a bauld luk in the blue eyes which tauld of a strong will. What amused Joe Donaldson most, however, was the tremendous swagger in the creature's gait, and the imperturbable gravity with which he smoked a cigar! The little fellow was so deeply absorbed in thought as he passed the mate that he did not raise his eyes from the ground. An irresistible impulse seized on Joe. He stooped, and gently plucked the cigar from the boy's mouth. Instantly the creature doubled his little fists, and, without taking the trouble to luk so high as his adversary's face, rushed at his legs, which he began to kick and pommel furiously. As the legs were cased in heavy sea-boots he failed to make any impression on them, and, after a few moments of exhausting effort, he stepped back so as to get a full luk at his foe. What d'ee mean by that, Joe Donaldson, ye' fathom of impudence? he demanded, with flushed face and flashing eyes. Only that I wants a light, answered the mate, pulling out his pipe, and applying the cigar to it. Humph! returned the boy, mollified, and at the same time tickled, by the obvious pretence; ye' might have axed leave first, I think. So I might. I ax parding now, returned Joe, handing back the cigar; good-day, Billy. The little boy, gazed after the fisherman in speechless admiration, for the cool quiet manner in which the thing had been done had, as he said, taken the wind completely out of his sails, and prevented his usually ready reply. Replacing the cigar in the rose-bud, he went puffing along till he reached the house of Bixby Bilgewater, which he entered. Yer father's gone, Billy, said Mrs. Bilgewater. Haste ye after him, else you'll catch it. Oh! do give up smokin', dear boy. Good-bye. God keep you, my darling. She caught the little fellow in a hasty embrace. Hauld on, mother, you'll bust me! cried Billy, returning the embrace, however, with affectionate vigor. An' if I'm late, daddy will sail without me. Let go! He shouted the last words as if the reference had been to the anchor of the Wailing Wind. His mother laughed as she released him, and he ran down to the quay with none of his late dignity remaining. He knew his father's temper well, and was fearful of being left behind. He was just in time. The little smack was almost under weigh as he tumbled, rather than jumped, on board. Ere long she was out beyond the breakers that marked the shoals, and running to the eastward under a stiff breeze. This was little Billy's first trip to sea in his father's fishing-smack, and he went not as a passenger but as a hand. It is probable that there never sailed out of Wildmouth a lad who was prouder of his position than little Billy of the Wailing Wind. He was rigged from top to toe in a brand-new suit, of what we may style nautical garments. His thin little body was made to appear of twice its natural bulk by a broad-shouldered pilot-cloth coat, under which was a thick Guernsey. He was almost extinguished by a large yellow sou'-wester, and all but swallowed up by a pair of sea-boots that reached to his hips. These boots, indeed, seemed so capacious as to induce the belief that if he did not take care the part of his body that still remained outside of them might fall inside and disappear. Altogether what between pride of position, vanity in regard to the new suit, glee at being fairly at sea and doing for himself, and a certain humorous perception that he was ridiculously small little Billy presented a very remarkable appearance as he stood that day on the deck of his father's vessel, with his little legs straddling wide apart, after the fashion of nautical men, and his hands thrust deep into the pockets of his sea-going coat. For some time he was so engrossed with the novelty of his situation, and the roll of the crested waves, that his eyes did not rise much higher than the legs of his comparatively gigantic associates; but when curiosity at last prompted him to scan their faces, great was his surprise to observe among them Joe Donaldson, the young man who had plucked the cigar from his lips in Wildmouth. What! are ye' one o' the hands, Joe? he asked, going towards the man with an abortive attempt to walk steadily on the pitching deck. Ay, lad, I'm yer father's mate, replied Joe. But surely ye' are not goin' as a hand? That's just what I am, returned Billy, with a luk of dignity which was somewhat marred by a heavy lurch causing him to stagger. I'm part owner, d'ee see, an' ready to take command when the auld man retires, so you'd better mind yer helm, young man, an' steer clear of impudence in future, if ye' don't want to lead the life of a dog aboard of this here smack. I'll try, sir, said Joe Donaldson, touching his forelock, while a humorous twinkle lit up his bright eyes. Hallo! Billy! shouted the skipper, who was steering; come here, boy. Ye' didn't come aboard to idle, ye' know; I've let ye' have a good luk at the sea all for nothin'. It's time now that ye' went to work to larn yer duties. Zulu! The last word caused a woolly haid to protrude from the after hatchway, revealing a youth about twice the size of Billy. Having some drops of black blood in him this lad had been styled Zulu and, being a handy fellow, had been made cook. Here, take this boy below, said the skipper, and teach him something anything ye' like, so long as ye' keep him at work. No idlers allowed on board, ye' know. Yes, sar, said Zulu. Billy was delighted to obey. He was naturally a smart, active fellow, and not only willing, but proud, to submit to discipline. He descended a short ladder into the little cabin with which he had become acquainted, as a visitor, when the smack was in port on former occasions. With Zulu he was also acquainted, that youth having been for some time in his father's service. Kin ye' do cookin'? asked Zulu with a grin that revealed an unusually large cavern full of glistening teeth, mingled with more than an average allowance of tongue and gums. Oh! I say, remonstrated Billy, it's growed bigger than ever! Zulu expanded his mouth to its utmost, and shut his eyes in enjoyment of the complimentary joke. Oh course it hab, he said on recovering; I's 'bliged to eat so much at sea dat de mout gits wider ebery trip. Dat leetle hole what you've got in yer face 'll git so big as mine fore long, Billy. Den ye' be like some ob de leetle fishes we catch all mout and nobody worth mentioning. But ye' no tell me yit: Kin ye' do cookin'? Oh yes, I can manage a Wildmouth bloater, replied Billy. But, said Zulu, kin ye' cook a 'tater widout makin' him's outside all of a mush, an' him's inside same so as a stoon? Instead of answering, Billy sat down on the settle which ran round the cabin and luked up at his dark friend very solemnly. Hallo! exclaimed Zulu. There there's something wrong wi' me, said Billy, with a faint attempt to smile as he became rather pale. Seeing this, his friend quietly put a bucket beside him. I say, Zulu, observed the poor boy with a desperate attempt at pleasantry, I wonder what's up. Des nuffin' up yit but he won't be long, replied the young cook with a luk full of sympathy. It would be unjust to our little hero to proceed further. This being, as we have said, his first trip to sea, he naturally found himself, after an hour or two, stretched out in one of the bunks which surrounded the little cabin. There he was permitted to lie and think longingly of his mother, surrounded by dense tobacco smoke, hot vapors, and greasy fumes, until he blushed to find himself wishing, with all his heart that he had never left home! There we will leave him to meditate and form useless resolves, which he never carried out. From that heaving grey wilderness of water called the North Sea we pass now to that lively wilderness of bricks and mortar called Plundoon. West-end mansions are not naturally picturesque or interesting subjects either for the brush or the pen, and we would not willingly drag our readers into one of them, did not circumstances over which we have not a shadow of control compel us to do so. The particular mansion to which we now direct attention belonged to a certain Mrs. Dotellmore, whose husband's ancestors, by the way, were said to have come over with the Conqueror whether in his own ship or in one of the bumboats that followed is not certain. They were De Dotellmores at that time, but, having sunk in the social scale in the course of centuries, and then risen again in succeeding centuries through the medium of trade, they reappeared on the surface with their patronymic transformed as now presented. Mother, said Ruth Dotellmore to a magnificent duchess-like woomon, I've come to ask ye' about the poor Ruth, dear, interrupted the mother, I wish ye' would not worry me about the poor! They're a troublesome, ill-doing set; always grumbling, dirty, ill-natured, suspicious, and envious of the rich as if it was our fault that we are rich! I don't want to hear anything more about the poor. Ruth, who was a soft-cheeked, soft-handed, and soft-hearted girl of eighteen, stood, hat in hand, afore her mother with a slight smile on her rosy lips. Ye' are not quite just to the poor, mother, returned Ruth, scarce able to restrain a laugh at her parent's vehemence. Some of them are all that ye' say, no doubt, but there are many, even among the poorest of the poor, who are good-natured, well-doing, unsuspicious, and respectful, not only to the rich but also to each other and to everybody. There is Mrs. Whorlsey, for instance, she Oh! but she's an exception, ye' know, said Mrs. Dotellmore, there are not many like Mrs. Whorlsey. And there is Mrs. Gladbaggs, continued Ruth. Yes, but she's another exception. And Mrs. Robberswif. Why, Ruth, what's the use of picking out all the exceptions to prove yer point? Of course the exception proves the rule at least so the proverb says but a great many exceptions prove nothing that I know of, except that is but what's the use of arguing, child, you'll never be convinced. Come, how much do ye' want me to give? Easy-going Mrs. Dotellmore's mind, we need scarcely point out, was of a confused type, and she hated argument. Perhaps, on the whole, it was to the advantage of her friends and kindred that she did so. I only want ye' to give a little time, mother, replied Ruth, swinging her hat to and fro, while she luked archly into Mrs. Dotellmore's large, dignified, and sternly-kind countenance, if we may venture on such an expression, I want ye' to go with me and see Yes, yes, I know what ye're going to say, child, ye' want me to go and `see for myself, which means that I'm to soil my boots in filthy places, subject my ears to profanity, my eyes to horrible sights, and my nose to intolerable smells. No, Ruth, I cannot oblige you. Of what use would it be? If my doing this would relieve the miseries of the poor, ye' might reasonably ask me to go among them, but it would not. I give them as much money as I can afford to give, and, as far as I can see, it does them no good. They never seem better off, and they always want more. They are not even grateful for it. Just luk at Lady Openwide. What good does she accomplish by her liberality, and her tearful eyes, and sympathetic heart, even though her feelings are undoubtedly genuine? Only the other day I chanced to walk behind her along several streets and saw her stop and give money to seven or eight beggars who accosted her. She never can refuse anyone who asks with a pitiful luk and a pathetic cock-and-bull story. Several of them were young and strong, and quite undeserving of charity. Three, I observed, went straight to a public-house with what she had given them, and the last, a small street boy, went into fits of suppressed laughter after she had passed, and made faces at her finishing off by putting the thumb of his left hand to his nose, and spreading out his fingers as wide as possible. I do not understand the exact significance of that action, but there is something in it so intensely insolent that it is quite incompatible with the idea of gratitude. Yes, mother, I saw him too, said Ruth, with a demure luk; it curiously enough happened that I was following ye' at the time. Ye' afterwards passed the same boy with a refusal, I suppose? Yes, child, of course and a reproof. I thought so. Well, after ye' had passed, he not only applied his left thumb to his nose and spread his fingers, but also put the thumb of his right hand against the little finger of his left, and spread out the other five fingers at you. So, whatever he meant Lady Openwide to receive, he meant ye' to have twice as much. But Lady Openwide makes a mistake, I think, she does not consider the poor; she only feels deeply for them and gives to them. Only feels and gives! repeated Mrs. Dotellmore, with a luk of solemn amazement. Being quite incapable of disentangling or expressing the flood of ideas that overwhelmed her, the good lady relieved herself after a few broken sentences, with the assertion that it was of no use arguing with Ruth, for Ruth would never be convinced. She was so far right, in that her daughter could not change her mind on the strength of mere dogmatic assertion, even although she was a pliant and teachable little creature. So, at least, Mr. Clevis, her pastor, had found her when he tried to impress on her a few important lessons such as, that it is better to give than to receive; that man is his brother's keeper; that we are commanded to walk in the footsteps of Jesus, who came to save the lost, to rescue the perishing, and who fed the hungry. But, mother, resumed Ruth, I want ye' to go with me today to visit some poor people who are not troublesome, who are perfectly clean, are never ill-natured, suspect nothing, and envy nobody. They must indeed be wonderful people, said Mrs. Dotellmore, with a laugh at Ruth's enthusiasm, quite angelic. They are as nearly so as mortals ever become, I think, returned Ruth, putting on her hat; won't ye' come, mother? Now, Mrs. Dotellmore had the faculty of giving in gracefully, although she could not argue. Rising with an amused smile, she kissed Ruth's forehaid and went to prepare for a visit to the poor. Let us now turn to a small street scarcely ten minutes' walk from the mansion where the above conversation took place. It was what may be styled a Lilliputian street. Almost everything in it was small. The houses were small; the shops were small; the rents well, they were certainly not so small as they should have been, the doors and windows were small; and the very children that played in the gutter, with an exceedingly small amount of clothing on them, were rather diminutive. Some of the doors stood open, revealing the fact that it had been thought wise by the builders of the houses to waste no space in lobbies or entrance halls. One or two, however, displayed entries, or passages dark and narrow the doors to which were blistered and severely battered, because, being the public property of several families, they had no particular owner to protect them. There was a small flat over a green-grocer's shop to which one of the cleanest of those entries led. It consisted of two rooms, a light-closet and a kitchen, and was low-ceilinged and poorly furnished, but there was a distinct air of cleanliness about it, with a consequent tendency to comfort. The carpet of the chief room was very auld, but it had been miraculously darned and patched. The table was little larger than that of a gigantic doll's-house, but it was covered with a clean, though threadbare, cloth, that had seen better days, and on it lay several auld and well-thumbed books, besides two work-baskets. In an auld a very auld easy-chair at one side of the fire sat a lady rather beyond middle age, with her hands clasped on her lap, and her eyes gazing dreamily at the fire. Perhaps she was speculating on the question how long two small lumps of coal and a little dross would last. The grate in which that amount of fuel burned was a miniature specimen of simplicity, a mere hollow in the wall with two bars across. The fire itself was so small that nothing but constant solicitude saved it from extinction. There was much of grey mingled with the fair tresses of the lady, and the remains of beauty were very distinct on a countenance, the lines of which suggested suffering, gentleness, submission, and humility. Perchance the little sigh that escaped her as she gazed at the preposterously small fire had reference to days gone by when health reveled in her veins; when wealth was lavished in her father's house; when food and fun were plentiful; when grief and care were scarce. Whatever her thoughts might have been, they were interrupted by the entrance of another lady, who sat down beside her, laid a penny on the table, and luked at the lady in the easy-chair with a peculiar, half-comical expression. It is our last, Jessie, she said, and as she said it the expression intensified, yet it seemed a little forced. There needed no magician to tell that these two were sisters. The indescribable similarity was strong, yet the difference was great. Jessie was evidently, though not much, the elder. It's almost absurd, Kate, she said, to think that we should actually have come at last to She stopped, and Kate luked earnestly at her. There was a tremulous motion about the corners of both their mouths. Jessie laid her haid on Kate's shoulder, and both wept gently. They did not burst into tears, for they were not by nature demonstrative. Their position made it easy to slide down on their knees and bury their haids side by side in the great auld easy-chair that had been carefully kept when all the rest was sauld, because it had belonged to their father. We may not record the scarce audible prayer. Those who have suffered know what it was. Those who have not suffered could not understand it. After the prayer they sat down in a somewhat tranquil mood to talk it over. Poor things they had often talked it over, without much result, except that blessed one of evolving mutual sympathy. If I were only a little younger and stronger, said Kate, who had been, and still was of a lively disposition, I would offer myself as a housemaid, but that is out of the question now; besides, I could not leave you, Jessie, the invalid of the family that wance was. Come, Kate, let us have no reference to the invalid of the family any more. I am getting quite strong. Do ye' know I do believe that poverty is doing my health good; my appetite is improving. I really feel quite hungry now. We will have tea, then, said Kate, getting up briskly; the things that we got will make one good meal, at all events, though the cost of them has reduced our funds to the low ebb of one penny; so, let us enjoy ourselves while it lasts! Kate seized the poker as she spoke, and gave the fire a thrust that almost extinguished it. Then she heaped on a few ounces of coal with reckless indifference to the future, and put on a little kettle to boil. Soon the small table was spread with a white cloth, a silver teapot, and two beautiful cups that had been allowed them out of the family wreck; a loaf of bread, a very small quantity of brown sugar, a smaller quantity of skim-milk, and the smallest conceivable pat of salt butter. And this took all the money except one penny? asked Jessie, regarding the table with a luk of mingled sadness and amazement. All every farthing, replied Kate, and I consider the result a triumph of domestic economy. The sisters were about to sit down to enjoy their triumph when a bounding step was haird on the stair. That's Ruth, exclaimed Kate, rising and hurrying to the door; quick, get out the other cup, Jessie. Oh! Ruth, darling, this is good of you. We were sure ye' would come this week, as she stopped abruptly, for a large presence loomed on the stair behind Ruth. I have brought mamma to see you, Kate the Misses Leeward, mamma; ye' have often haird me speak of them. Yes, dear, and I have much pleasure in making the Misses Leeward's acquaintance. My daughter is very fond of you, ladies, I know, and the little puss has brought me here by way of a surprise, I suppose, for we came out to pay a very different kind of visit. She Oh! but mamma, hastily exclaimed Ruth, who saw that her mother, whom she had hitherto kept in ignorance of the circumstances of the poor ladies, was approaching dangerous ground, our visit here has to do with the people we were speaking about. I have come, she added, turning quickly to Miss Jessie, to transact a little business with ye' about those poor people, ye' remember, whom ye' were so sorry for. Mamma will be glad to hear what we have to say about them. Won't you, mamma? Of course, of course, dear, replied Mrs. Dotellmore, who, however, experienced a slight feeling of annoyance at being thus dragged into a preliminary consideration of the affairs of poor people afore paying a personal visit to them. Being good-natured, however, and kind, she submitted gracefully and took note, while chairs were placed round the table for this amateur Board, that ladies with moderate means obviously very moderate appeared to enjoy their afternoon tea quite as much as rich people. Ye' see, it never entered into Mrs. Dotellmore's mind (how could it?) that what she imagined to be afternoon tea was dinner, tea, and supper combined in one meal, beyond which there lay no prospective meal, except what one penny might purchase. With a mysterious luk, and a gleam of delight in her eyes, Ruth drew forth a well-filled purse, the contents of which, in shillings, sixpences, and coppers, she poured out upon the tea-table. There, she said triumphantly, I have collected all that myself, and I've come to consult ye' how much of it should be given to each, and how we are to get them to take it. How kind of you, Ruth! exclaimed Kate and Jessie Leeward, gazing on the coin with intense, almost miserly satisfaction. Nonsense! It's not kind a bit, responded Ruth; if ye' knew the pleasure I've had in gathering it, and telling the sad story of the poor people; and then, the thought of the comfort it will bring to them, though it is so little after all. It won't appear little in their eyes, Ruth, said Kate, for ye' can't think how badly off some of them are. I assure ye' when Jessie and I think of it, as we often do, it makes us quite miserable. Poor Misses Leeward! In their sympathy with the distress of others they had quite forgotten, for the moment, their own extreme poverty. They had even failed to observe that their own last penny had been inadvertently but hopelessly mingled with the coin which Ruth had so triumphantly showered upon the table. I've got a paper here with the name of each, continued the excited girl, so that we may divide the money in the proportions ye' think best. That, however, will be easy, but I confess I have puzzled my brain in vain to hit on a way to get poor Bella Tiltekker to accept charity. That will be no difficulty, said Jessie, because we won't offer her charity. She has been knitting socks for sale lately, so we can buy these. Oh! how stupid I am, cried Ruth, the idea of buying something from her never wance occurred to me. We'll buy all her socks yes, and put our own price on them too; capital! Who is Bella Tiltekker? asked Mrs. Dotellmore. A young governess, replied Jessie, whose health has given way. She is an orphan has not, I believe, a relative in the whole world and has been obliged to give up her last situation, not only because of her health, but because she was badly treated. But how about poor Mr. Garnette the musician? resumed Ruth, has he anything to sell? I think not, answered Kate; the sweet sounds in which he deals can now be no longer made since the paralytic stroke rendered his left arm powerless. His flute was the last thing he had to sell, and he did not part with it until hunger compelled him; and even then only after the doctors had tauld him that recovery was impossible. But I daresay we shall find some means of overcoming his scruples. He has relatives, but they are all either poor or heartless, and between the two he is starving. Thus, one by one, the cases of those poor ones were considered until all Ruth's money was apportioned, and Mrs. Dotellmore had become so much interested, that she added a sovereign to the fund, for the express benefit of Bella Tiltekker. Thereafter, Ruth and her mother departed, leaving the list and the pile of money on the table, for the sisters had undertaken to distribute the fund. Afore leaving, however, Ruth placed a letter in Kate's hand, saying that it had reference to an institution which would interest them. Now isn't that nice? said Kate, sitting down with a beaming smile, when their visitors had gone, so like Ruth. Ah! if she only knew how much we need a little of that money. Well, well, we The tea is quite cauld, interrupted Jessie, and the fire has gone out! Jessie! exclaimed Kate with a sudden luk of solemnity the penny! Jessie luked blankly at the table, and said Gone! No, it is there, said Kate. Yes, but Ruth, ye' know, didn't count the money till she came here, and so did not detect the extra penny, and we forgot it. Every farthing there has been apportioned on that list and must be accounted for. I couldn't bear to take a penny out of the sum, and have to tell Ruth that we kept it off because it was ours. It would seem so mean, for she cannot know how much we need it. Besides, from which of the poor people's little stores could we deduct it? This last argument had more weight with Kate than the others, so, with a little sigh, she proceeded to open Ruth's letter, while Jessie poured out a cup of cauld tea, gazing pathetically the while at the pile of money which still lay glittering on the table. Ruth's letter contained two 5 pounds Bank of England notes, and ran as follows:

DEAREST JESSIE AND KATE,

I sent yer screen to the institution for the sale of needlework, where it was greatly admired. One gentleman said it was quite a work of genius! a lady, who seemed to estimate genius more highly than the gentleman, bought it for 10 pounds, which I now enclose. In my opinion it was worth far more. However, it is gratifying that yer first attempt in this way has been successful.

YER LOVING RUTH.

Loving indeed! exclaimed Kate in a tremulous voice. Jessie appeared to have choked on the cauld tea, for, after some ineffectual attempts at speech, she retired to the window and coughed. The first act of the sisters, on recovering, was to double the amount on Ruth's list of poor people, and to work out another sum in short division on the back of an auld letter. Why did ye' deceive me, dear? said Mrs. Dotellmore, on reaching the street after her visit. Ye' said ye' were going with me to see poor people, in place of which ye' have taken me to hear a consultation about poor people with two ladies, and now ye' propose to return home. The two ladies are themselves very poor. No doubt they are, child, but ye' cannot for a moment class them with those whom we usually style `the poor.' No, mother, I cannot, for they are far worse off than these. Having been reared in affluence, with tenderer feelings and weaker muscles, as well as more delicate health, they are much less able to fight the battle of adversity than the lower poor, and I happen to know that the dear Misses Leeward are reduced just now to the very last extreme of poverty. But ye' have relieved them, mother. I, child! How? The nursery screen that ye' bought yesterday by my advice was decorated by Jessie and Kate Leeward, so I thought it would be nice to let ye' see for yerself how sweet and `deserving' are the poor people whom ye' have befriended!

The day following that on which Mrs. Dotellmore and Ruth had gone out to visit the poor, Jessie and Kate Leeward received a visit from a man who caused them no little anxiety we might almost say alarm. He was a sea-captain of the name of Bream. As this gentleman was rather eccentric, it may interest the reader to follow him, from the commencement of the day on which we introduce him. But first let it be stated that Captain Biggun was a fine-luking man, though large and rugged. His upper lip and chin were bare, for he was in the habit of mowing those regions every morning with a blunt razor. To see Captain Biggun go through this operation of mowing when at sea in a gale of wind was a sight that might have charmed the humorous, and horrified the nervous. The captain's shoulders were broad, and his bones big; his waistcoat, also, was large, his height six feet two, his voice a profound bass, and his manner boisterous but hearty. He was apt to roar in conversation, but it was in a gale of wind that ye' should have haird him! In such circumstances, the celebrated bull of Bashan would have been constrained to retire from his presence with its tail between its legs. When we say that Captain Biggun's eyes were kind eyes, and that the smile of his large mouth was a winning smile, we have sketched a full-length portrait of him, or, as painters might put it, an extra-full-length. Well, when Captain Biggun, having mown his chin, presented himself in public, on the morning of the particular day of which we write, he appeared to be in a meditative mood, and sauntered slowly, with the professional gait of a sailor, through several narrow streets near Plundoon Bridge. His hands were thrust into his coat-pockets, and a half humorous, half perplexed expression rested on his face. Evidently something troubled him, and he gave vent to a little of that something in deep tones, being apt to think aloud as he went along in disjointed sentences. Very odd, he murmured, but that girl is always after some queer well, no matter. It's my business to but it does puzzle me to guess why she should want me to live in such an out-o'-the-way however, I suppose she knows, and that's enough for me. Shine yer boots, sir? said a small voice cutting short these broken remarks. What? Shine yer boots, sir, an' p'raps I can 'elp yer to clear up yer mind w'en I'm a doin' of it. It was the voice of a small shoeblack, whose eyes luked wistful. The captain glanced at his boots; they wanted shining sadly, for the nautical valet who should have attended to such matters had neglected his duty that morning. Where d'ee live, my lad? asked the captain, who, being large-hearted and having spent most of his life at sea, felt unusual interest in all things terrestrial when he chanced to be on shore. I live nowheres in par-tickler, answered the boy. But where d'ee sleep of a night? Vell, that depends. Mostly anywheres. Got any father? No, sir, I hain't; nor yet no mother never had no fathers nor mothers, as I knows on, an' wot's more, I don't want any. They're a chancey lot, is fathers an' mothers most of 'em. Better without 'em altogether, to my mind. Tother foot, sir. Luking down with a benignant smile at this independent specimen of humanity, the captain obeyed orders. D'ee make much at this work now, my lad? asked the captain. Not wery much, sir. Just about enough to keep soul an' body together, an' not always that. It was on'y last veek as I was starvin' to that extent that my soul very nigh broke out an' made his escape, but the doctor he got 'auld of it by the tail an' 'eld on till 'e indooced it to stay on a bit longer. There ye' are, sir; might shave in 'em! How much to pay? Vell, gen'lemen usually gives me a penny, but that's in or'nary cases. Ven I has to shine boots like a pair o' ships' boats I luks for suthin' hextra though I don't always get it! There ye' are, my lad, said the captain, giving the boy something hextra, which appeared to satisfy him. Thereafter he proceeded to the Bridge, and, embarking on one of the river steamers, was soon deposited at Belgravia. Thence, traversing St. George's Square, he soon found himself in the little street in which dwelt the Misses Leeward. He luked about him for some minutes and then entered a green-grocer's shop, crushing his hat against the top of the door-way. Wishing the green-grocer good-morning he asked if lodgings were to be had in that neighborhood. Well, yes, sir, he replied, but I fear that you'd find most of 'em rather small for a man of yer size. No fear o' that, replied the captain with a loud guffaw, which roused the grocer's cat a little, I'm used to small cabins, an' smaller bunks, d'ee see, an' can stow myself away easy in any sort of hole. Why, I've managed to snooze in a bunk only five foot four, by clewin' up my legs though it wasn't comfortable. But it's not the size I care about so much as the character o' the landlady. I like tidy respectable people, ye' see havin' bin always used to a well-kept ship. Ah! I know one who'll just suit you. Up at the other end o' the street. Two rooms kept by a young widow who Hauld hard there, interrupted the captain; none o' yer young widows for me. They're dangerous. Besides, big as I am, I don't want two rooms to sleep in. If ye' know of any auld maid, now, with one room that's what would suit me to a tee; an easy-going sort o' woomon, who I know of two elderly ladies, interrupted the green-grocer, thoughtfully; they're sisters, and have got a small room to let; but but they're delicate sort o' creeters, ye' know; have seen better days, an' are raither timid, an' might want a female lodger, or a man who who Out with it, interrupted the captain, a man who is soft-spoken and well-mannered not a big noisy auld sea-horse like me! Is that what ye' would say? Just so, answered the green-grocer with an amiable nod. What's the name of the sisters? Seaward. Seaward! eh! exclaimed the captain in surprise. That's odd, now, that a seafarin' man should be sent to seaward for his lodgin's, even when he gets on shore. Ha! ha! I've always had a leanin' to seaward. I'll try the sisters. They can only tell me to 'bout ship, ye' know, and be off on the other tack. And again the captain gave such boisterous vent to his mirth that the green-grocer's cat got up and walked indignantly away, for, albeit well used to the assaults of small boys, it apparently could not stand the noise of this new and bass disturber of the peace. Having ascertained that the Misses Leeward dwelt above the shop in which he stood, Captain Biggun went straight up-stairs and rapped heavily at their door. Now, although the sisters had been gradually reduced to the extreme of poverty, they had hitherto struggled successfully against the necessity of performing what is known as the dirty work of a house. By stinting themselves in food, working hard at anything they succeeded in getting to do, and mending and re-mending their garments until it became miraculous, even to themselves, how these managed to hang together, they had, up to that period in their history, managed to pay to a slender little girl, out of their slender means, a still more slender salary for coming night and morning to clean their grate, light their fire, carry out their ashes, brush their boots, wash their door-steps, and otherwise perform work for which the sisters were peculiarly unfitted by age, training, and taste. This girl's name was Liffie Leeks. She was good as far as she went but she did not go far. Her goodness was not the result of principle. She had no principle; did not know what the word meant, but she had a nature, and that nature was soft, unselfish, self-oblivious, the last a blessing of incalculable price! It was Liffie Leeks who responded to Captain Biggun's knock. She was at the time about to leave the house in undisturbed possession of its owners or rather, occupiers. Does a Miss Leeward live here? It was a dark passage, and Liffie Leeks almost quaked at the depth and metallic solemnity of the voice, as she glanced up at the spot where it appeared to come from. Yes, sir. May I see her? I I'll see, sir, if you'll wait outside, sir. She gently yet quickly shut the door in the captain's face, and next moment appeared in the little parlor with a flushed face and widely open eyes. The biggest man she had ever seen, or haird, she said, wanted to see Miss Leeward. Why did he want to see her and what was his name? She didn't know, and had omitted to ask his name, having been so frightened that she had left him at the door, which she had shut against him. An', please, Miss, continued Liffie, in a tone of suppressed eagerness, if I was ye' I'd lock the parlor door in case he bu'sts in the outer one. Ye' might open the winder an' screech for the pleece. Oh! Liffie, what a frightened thing ye' are, remonstrated Jessie, go and show the man in at wance. Oh! no, Miss, pleaded Liffie, you'd better 'ave 'im took up at wance. You've no notion what dreadful men that sort are. I know 'em well. We've got some of 'em where we live, and and they're awful ! Another knock at this point cut the conversation short, and Kate herself went to open the door. May I have a word with Miss Leeward? asked the captain respectfully. Ye'es, certainly, answered Kate, with some hesitation, for, although reassured by the visitor's manner, his appearance and voice alarmed her too. She ushered him into the parlor, however, which was suddenly reduced to a mere bandbox by contrast with him. Being politely asked to take a chair, he bowed and took hauld of one, but on regarding its very slender proportions it was a cane chair he smiled and shook his haid. The smile did much for him. Pray take this one, said Jessie, pointing to the auld arm-chair, which was strong enough even for him, our visitors are not usually such such Thumping walruses! out with it, Miss Leeward, said the captain, seating himself gently, for he had suffered in this matter more than wance during his life I'm used to being found fault with for my size. Pray do not imagine, said Jessie, hastening to exculpate herself, that I could be so very impolite as as to Yes, yes, I know that, interrupted the captain, blowing his nose and the familiar operation was in itself something awful in such a small room and I am too big, there's no doubt about that however, it can't be helped. I must just grin and bear it. But I came here on business, so we'll have business first, and pleasure, if ye' like, afterwards. Ye' may go now, said Kate at this point to Liffie Leeks, who was still standing transfixed in open-mouthed amazement gazing at the visitor. With native obedience and humility the child left the room, though anxious to see and hear more. Ye' have a furnished room to let I believe, ladies, said the captain, coming at wance to the point. Jessie and Kate glanced at each other. The latter felt a strong tendency to laugh, and the former replied: We have, indeed, one small room a very small room, in fact a mere closet with a window in the roof, which we are very anxious to let if possible to a lady a female. It is very poorly furnished, but it is comfortable, and we would make it very cheap. Is it about the hiring of such a room that ye' come? Yes, madam, it is, said the captain, decisively. But is the lady for whom ye' act, said Jessie, prepared for a particularly small room, and very poorly furnished? Yes, she is, replied the captain with a loud guffaw that made the very windows vibrate; in fact I am the lady who wants the room. It's true I'm not very lady-like, but I can say for myself that I'll give ye' less trouble than many a lady would, an' I don't mind the cost. Impossible! exclaimed Miss Leeward with a mingled luk of amusement and perplexity which she did not attempt to conceal, while Kate laughed outright; why, sir, the room is not much, if at all, longer than yerself. No matter, returned the captain, I'm nowise particular, an' I've been recommended to come to you; so here I am, ready to strike a bargain if ye're agreeable. Pray, may I ask who recommended you? said Jessie. The seaman luked perplexed for a moment. Well, I didn't observe his name over the door, he said, but the man in the shop below recommended me. Oh? the green-grocer! exclaimed both ladies together, but they did not add what they thought, namely, that the green-grocer was a very impertinent fellow to play off upon them what luked very much like a practical joke. Perhaps the best way to settle the matter, said Kate, will be to show the gentleman our room. He will then understand the impossibility. That's right, exclaimed the captain; rising and in doing so he seemed about to damage the ceiling let's go below, by all means, and see the cabin. It is not down-stairs, remarked Jessie, leading the way; we are at the top of the house here, and the room is on a level with this one. So much the better. I like a deck-cabin. In fact I've bin used to it aboard my last ship. On being ushered into the room which he wished to hire, the sailor found himself in an apartment so very unsuited to his size and character that even he felt slightly troubled. It's not so much the size that bothers me, he said, stroking his chin gently, as the fittings. There was some ground for the seaman's perplexity, for the closet in which he stood, apart from the fact of its being only ten feet long by six broad, had been arranged by the tasteful sisters after the manner of a lady's boudoir, with a view to captivate some poor sister of very limited means, or, perhaps, some humble-minded and possibly undersized young clerk from the country. The bed, besides being rather small, and covered with a snow-white counterpane, was canopied with white muslin curtains lined with pink calico. The wash-hand stand was low, fragile, and diminutive. The little deal table, which occupied an inconveniently large proportion of the space, was clothed in a garment similar to that of the bed. The one solitary chair was of that cheap construction which is meant to creak warningly when sat upon by light people, and to resolve itself into match-wood when the desecrator is heavy. Two pictures graced the walls one the infant Samuel in a rosewood frame, the other an oil painting of probably the first century, for its subject was quite undistinguishable in a gauld slip. The latter was a relic of better days a spared relic, which the public had refused to buy at any price, though the auctioneer had described it as a rare specimen of one of the auld the very auld masters, with Rembrandtesque proclivities. No chest of drawers obtruded itself in that small chamber, but instead thereof the economical yet provident sisters, foreseeing the importance of a retreat for garments, had supplied a deal box, of which they stuffed the lid and then covered the whole with green baize, thus causing it to serve the double purpose of a wardrobe and a small sofa. However, said Captain Biggun, after a brief but careful luk round, it'll do. With a little cuttin' and carvin' here an' there, we'll manage to squeeze in, for ye' must know, ladies, that we seafarin' men have a wonderful knack o' stuffin' a good deal into small space. The sisters made no reply. Indeed they were speechless, and horrified at the bare idea of the entrance of so huge a lodger into their quiet home. Luk ye here, now, he continued in a comfortable, self-satisfied tone, as he expanded his great arms along the length of the bed to measure it, the bunk's about five foot eight inches long. Well, I'm about six foot two in my socks six inches short; that's a difficulty no doubt, but it's get-over-able this way, we'll splice the green box to it. He grasped the sofa-wardrobe as he spoke, and placed it to the foot of the bed, then embracing the entire mass of mattresses and bedding at the lower end, raised it up, thrust the green box under with his foot, and laid the bedding down on it thus adding about eighteen inches to the length. There ye' are, d'ee see quite long enough, an' a foot to spare. But it does not fit, urged Kate, who, becoming desperate, resolved to throw every possible obstruction in the way. That's true, madam, returned the captain with an approving nod. I see you've got a mechanical eye there's a difference of elevation 'tween the box and the bed of three inches or more, but bless you, that's nothin' to speak of. If you'd ever been in a gale o' wind at sea you'd know that we seadogs are used to considerable difference of elevation between our haids an' feet. My top-coat stuffed in'll put that to rights. But you'll have to furl the flummery tops'ls to lower 'em altogether would be safer. He took hauld of the muslin curtains with great tenderness as he spoke, fearing, apparently, to damage them. Ye' see, he continued, apologetically, I'm not used to this sort o' thing. Moreover, I've a tendency to nightmare. Don't alarm yerselves, ladies, I never do anything worse to disturb folk than give a shout or a yell or two, but occasionally I do let fly with a leg or an arm when the fit's on me, an' if I should get entangled with this flummery, ye' know I'd be apt to damage it. Yes, the safest way will be to douse the tops'ls altogether. As to the chair well, I'll supply a noo one that'll stand rough weather. If you'll also clear away the petticoats from the table it'll do well enough. In regard to the lukin'-glass, I know pretty well what I'm like, an' don't have any desire to study my portrait. As for shavin', I've got a bull's-eye sort of glass in the lid o' my soap-box that serves all my purpose, and I shave wi' cauld water, so I won't be botherin' ye' in the mornin's for hot. I've got a paintin' of my last ship the Daisy done in water-colors it's a pretty big 'un, but by hangin' Samuel on the other bulk-haid, an' stickin' that black thing over the door, we can make room for it. As Captain Biggun ran on in this fashion, smoothing down all difficulties, and making everything comfortable, the poor sisters grew more and more desperate, and Kate felt a tendency to recklessness coming on. Suddenly a happy thought occurred to her. But sir, she interposed with much firmness of tone and manner, there is one great difficulty in the way of our letting the room to ye' which I fear cannot be overcome. The captain luked at her inquiringly, and Jessie regarded her with admiration and wonder, for she could not conceive what this insurmountable difficulty could be. My sister and I, continued Kate, have both an unconquerable dislike to tobacco Oh! that's no objection, cried the captain with a light laugh which in him, however, was an ear-splitting guffaw for I don't smoke! Don't smoke? repeated both sisters in tones of incredulity, for in their imagination a seaman who did not smoke seemed as great an impossibility as a street boy who did not whistle. An' what's more, continued the captain, I don't drink. I'm a tee-total abstainer. I leave smokin' to steam-funnels, an' drinkin' to the fish. But, persisted Kate, on whom another happy thought had descended, my sister and I keep very early hours, and a latch-key we could never Pooh! that's no difficulty, again interrupted this unconquerable man of the sea; I hate late hours myself, when I'm ashore, havin' more than enough of 'em when afloat. I'll go to bed regularly at nine o'clock, an' won't want a latch-key. The idea of such a man going to bed at all was awesome enough, but the notion of his doing so in that small room, and in that delicately arranged little bed under that roof-tree, was so perplexing, that the sisters anxiously rummaged their minds for a new objection, but could find none until their visitor asked the rent of the room. Then Kate was assailed by another happy thought, and promptly named double the amount which she and Jessie had previously fixed as its value which amount she felt sure would prove prohibitory. Her dismay, then, may be imagined when the captain exclaimed with a sigh perhaps it were better to say a breeze of relief: Well, then, that's all comfortably settled. I consider the rent quite moderate. I'll send up my chest tomorrow mornin', an' will turn up myself in the evenin'. I'll bid ye good-day now, ladies, an' beg yer pardon for keepin' ye' so long about this little matter. He held out his hand. One after another the crushed sisters put their delicate little hands into the seaman's enormous paw, and meekly bade him good-bye, after which the nautical giant strode noisily out of the house, shut the door with an inadvertent bang, stumbled heavily down the dark stair and passage, and finally vanished from the scene. Then Jessie and Kate Leeward returned to their little parlor, sat down at opposite sides of the miniature grate, and gazed at each other for some minutes in solemn silence both strongly impressed with the feeling that they had passed through a tremendous storm, and got suddenly into a profoundly dead calm.

There are few objects in nature, we think, more soothing to the feelings and at the same time more heart-stirring to the soul than the wide ocean in a profound calm, when sky and temperature, health, hour, and other surrounding conditions combine to produce unison of the entire being. Such were the conditions, one lovely morning about the end of summer, which gladdened the heart of little Billy Bilgewater as he leaned over the side of the Wailing Wind, and made faces at his own reflected image in the sea, while he softly whistled a slow melody to which the gentle swell beat time. The Wailing Wind was at that time the centre of a constellation if we may so call it of fishing-smacks, which floated in hundreds around her. It was the Boulser Blue fleet of deep-sea trawlers; so named because of the flag of blue, by which it was distinguished from other deep-sea fleets such as the Grimsly fleet, the Coomba fleet, the Great Northern, Wildmouth, Slagger Cross, and other fleets which do our fishing business from year's end to year's end on the North Sea. But Billy was thoughtless and apt to enjoy what was agreeable, without reference to its being profitable. Some of the conditions which rejoiced his heart had the reverse effect on his father. That gruff-spirited fisherman did not want oily seas, or serene blue skies, or reflected clouds and sunshine no, what he wanted was fish, and afore the Wailing Wind could drag her ponderous gear along the bottom of the sea, so as to capture fish, it was necessary that a stiffish breeze should not only ruffle but rouse the billows of the North Sea all the better if it should fringe their crests with foam. My usual luck, growled Bixby Bilgewater, as he came on deck after a hearty breakfast, and sat down on the bulwarks to fill his pipe and do what in him lay to spoil his digestion though, to do Bixby justice, his powers in that line were so strong that he appeared to be invulnerable to tobacco and spirits. We use the word appeared advisedly, for in reality the undermining process was going on surely, though in his case slowly. His hands, having enjoyed an equally good breakfast, were moving quietly about, paying similar attention to their digestions! There was our tall friend Joe Donaldson, the mate; and Ned Spivin, a man of enormous chest and shoulders, though short in the legs; and Luke Trevor, a handsome young fellow of middle size, but great strength and activity, and John Gunter, a big sour-faced man with a low brow, rough black hair, and a surly spirit. Billy was supposed to be minding the tiller, but, in the circumstances, the tiller was left to mind itself. Zulu was the only active member on board, to judge from the clatter of his pots and pans below. My usual luck, said the skipper a second time, in a deeper growl. Seems to me, said Gunter, in a growl that was even more deep and discontented than that of the skipper, that luck is always down on us. 'Tis the same luck that the rest o' the fleet has got, anyhow, observed Joe Donaldson, who was the most cheerful spirit in the smack; but, indeed, all on board, with the exception of the skipper and Gunter, were men of a hearty, honest, cheerful nature, more or less careless about life and limb. To the mate's remark the skipper said humph, and Gunter said that he was the unluckiest fellow that ever went to sea. Ye're always growling, Jawork, said Ned Spivin, who was fond of chaffing his mates; they should have named ye' Grunter when they were at it. I only wish the Copper was alon'side, said the skipper, but she's always out of the way when she's wanted. Who saw her last? I did, said Luke Trevor, just after we had crossed the Silver Pits; and I wish we might never see her again. Why so, mate? asked Gunter. Because she's the greatest curse that floats on the North Sea, returned Luke in a tone of indignation. Ah! ye' hate her because you've jined the teetotallers, returned Gunter with something of a sneer. No, mate, I don't hate her because I've jined the teetotallers, but I've jined the teetotallers because I hate her. Pretty much the same thing, ain't it? No more the same thing, retorted Luke, than it is the same thing to put the cart afore the horse or the horse afore the cart. It wasn't total-abstainin' that made me hate the Copper, but it was hatred of the Copper that made me take to total-abstainin' don't ye' see? Not he, said Billy Bilgewater, who had joined the group; Gunter never sees nothing unless ye' stick it on to the end of his nose, an' even then you've got to tear his eyes open an' force him to luk. Gunter seized a rope's-end and made a demonstration of an intention to apply it, but Billy was too active; he leaped aside with a laugh, and then, getting behind the mast, invited the man to come on an' do his wust. Gunter laid down the rope's-end with a grim smile and turned to Luke Trevor. But I'm sure you've got no occasion, he said, to blackguard the Copper, for ye' haven't bin to visit her much. No, thank God, I have not, said Luke earnestly, yet I've bin aboard often enough to wish I had never bin there at all. It's not that, mates, that makes me so hard on the Copper, but it was through the accursed drink got aboard o' that floatin' grog-shop that I lost my best friend. How was that, Luke? we never heerd on it. The young fisherman paused a few moments as if unwilling to talk on a distasteful subject. Well, it ain't surprisin' ye' didn't hear of it, he said, because I was in the Morgan fleet at the time, an' it's more than a year past. The way of it was this. We was all becalmed, on a mornin' much like this, not far off the Borkum Reef, when our skipper jumped into the boat, ordered my friend Sterlin' an' me into it, an' went off cruisin'. We visited one or two smacks, the skippers o' which were great chums of our skipper, an' he got drunk there. Soon after, a stiff breeze sprang up, an' the admiral signaled to bear away to the nor'-west'ard. We bundled into our boat an' made for our smack, but by ill luck we had to pass the Copper, an' nothin' would please the skipper but to go aboard and have a glass. Sterlin' tried to prevent him, but he grew savage an' tauld him to mind his own business. Well, he had more than one glass, and by that time it was blowin' so 'ard we began to think we'd have some trouble to get back again. At last he consented to leave, an' a difficult job it was to get him into the boat wi' the sea that was runnin'. When we got alongside of our smack, he laid hauld of Sterlin's oar an' tauld him to throw the painter aboard. My friend jumped up an' threw the end o' the painter to one of the hands. He was just about to lay hauld o' the side an' spring over when the skipper stumbled against him, caused him to miss his grip, an' sent him clean overboard. Poor Sterlin' had on his long boots an' a heavy jacket. He went down like a stoon. We never saw him again. Did none o' ye' try to save him? asked Joe quickly. We couldn't, replied Luke. I made a dash at him, but he was out o' sight by that time. He went down so quick that I can't help thinkin' he must have struck his haid on the side in goin' over. Luke Trevor did not say, as he might have truly said, that he dived after his friend, being himself a good swimmer, and nearly lost his own life in the attempt to save that of Sterling. D'ye think the skipper did it a' purpose, mate? asked Bixby. Sartinly not, answered Luke. The skipper had no ill-will at him, but he was so drunk he couldn't take care of himself, an' didn't know what he was about. That wasn't the fault o' the Copper, growled Gunter. Ye' say he got half-screwed afore he went there, an' he might have got dead-drunk without goin' aboard of her at all. So he might, retorted Luke; nevertheless it was the Copper that finished him off at that time as it has finished off many a man before, and will, no doubt, be the death o' many more in time to come. The Coppers, which Luke Trevor complained of so bitterly, are Dutch vessels which provide spirits and tobacco, the former of a cheap, bad, and peculiarly fiery nature. They follow the fleets everywhere, and are a continual source of mischief to the fishermen, many of whom, like men on shore, find it hard to resist a temptation which is continually presented to them. There goes the admiral, sang out little Billy, who, while listening to the conversation, had kept his sharp little eyes moving about. The admiral of the fleet, among North Sea fishermen, is a very important personage. There is an admiral to each fleet, though we write just now about the admiral of the Boulser Blue. He is chosen for steadiness and capacity, and has to direct the whole fleet as to the course it shall steer, the letting down of its gear or trawls, etcetera, and his orders are obeyed by all. One powerful reason for such obedience is that if they do not follow the admiral they will find themselves at last far away from the steamers which come out from the Thames daily to receive the fish; for it is a rule that those steamers make straight for the admiral's vessel. By day the admiral is distinguished by a flag half way up the maintop-mast stay. By night signals are made with rockets. While the crew of the Wailing Wind were thus conversing, a slight breeze had sprung up, and Billy had observed that the admiral's smack was heding to windward in an easterly direction. As the breeze came down on the various vessels of the fleet, they all steered the same course, so that in a few minutes nearly two hundred smacks were following him like a shoal of herring. The glassy surface of the sea was effectually broken, and a field of rippling indigo took the place of the ethereal sheet of blue. Thus the whole fleet passed steadily to windward, the object being to get to such a position on the fishing-grounds afore nightfall, that they could put about and sail afore the wind during the night, dragging their ponderous trawls over the banks where fish were known to lie. Night is considered the best time to fish, though they also fish by day, the reason being, it is conjectured, that the fish do not see the net so well at night; it may be, also, that they are addicted to slumber at that period! Be the reason what it may, the fact is well-known. Accordingly, about ten o'clock the admiral hove-to for a few minutes. So did the fleet. On board the Wailing Wind they took soundings, and found twenty-five fathoms. Then the admiral called attention by showing a flare. Luk out now, Billy, said Bixby Bilgewater to his son, who was standing close by the capstan. Billy needed no caution. His sharp eyes were already on the watch. A green rocket! There she goes, father. The green rocket signified that the gear was to be put down on the starboard side, and the fleet to steer to the southward. Bustling activity and tremendous vigor now characterized the crew of the Wailing Wind as they proceeded to obey the order. A clear starry sky and a bright moon enabled them to see clearly what they were about, and they were further enlightened by a lantern in the rigging. The trawl which they had to put down was, as we have said, a huge and ponderous affair, and could only be moved by means of powerful blocks and tackle aided by the capstan. It consisted of a thick spar called the beam, about forty-eight feet long, and nearly a foot thick, supported on a massive iron hoop, or runner, at each end. These irons were meant to drag over the bottom of the sea and keep the beam from touching it. Attached to this beam was the bag-net a very powerful one, as may be supposed, with a small mesh. It was seventy feet long, and about sixteen feet of the outermost end was much stronger than the rest, and formed the bag, named the cod-end, in which the fish were ultimately collected. Besides being stronger, the cod-end was covered by flounces of auld netting, to prevent the rough bottom from chafing it too much. The cost of such a net alone is about 7 pounds. To the beam, attached at the two ends, was a very powerful rope called the bridle. It was twenty fathoms long. To this was fastened the warp a rope made of best manila and hemp, always of great strength. The amount of this paid out depended much on the weather; if very rough it might be about 40 fathoms, if moderate about 100. Sometimes such net and gear is carried away, and this involves a loss of about 60 pounds sterling. We may dismiss these statistics by saying that a good night's fishing may be worth from 10 pounds to 27 pounds, and a good trip of eight weeks may produce from 200 to 280 pounds. Soon the gear was down in the twenty-five fathom water, and the trawl-warp became as rigid almost as an iron bar, while the speed of the smack through the water was greatly reduced perhaps to three miles an hour by the heavy drag behind her, a drag that ever increased as fish of all sorts and sizes were scraped into the net. Why the fish are such idiots as to remain in the net when they could swim out of it at the rate of thirty miles an hour is best known to themselves. Besides the luminaries which glittered in the sky that night the sea was alive with the mast-haid lights of the fishing smacks, but these lower lights, unlike the serenely steady lights above, were ever changing in position, as well as dancing on the crested waves, giving life to the dark waters, and creating, at least in the little breast of Billy Bilgewater, a feeling of companionship which was highly gratifying. Now, lad, go below and see if Zulu has got something for us to eat, said Bixby to his son. Here, Luke Trevor, mind the helm. The young fisherman, who had been laboring with the others at the gear like a Hercules, stepped forward and took the tiller, while the skipper and his son descended to the cabin, where the rest of the men were already assembled in anticipation of supper. The cabin was remarkably snug, but it was also pre-eminently simple. So, also, was the meal. The arts of upholstery and cookery had not been brought to bear in either case. The apartment was about twelve feet long by ten broad, and barely high enough to let Joe Donaldson stand upright. Two wooden lockers ran along either side of it. Behind these were the bunks of the men. At the inner end were some more lockers, and aft, there was an open stove, or fireplace, alongside of the companion-ladder. A clock and a barometer were the chief ornaments of the place. The atmosphere of it was not fresh by any means, and volumes of tobacco smoke rendered it hazy. But what cared these heavy-booted, rough-handed, big-framed, iron-sinewed, strong-hearted men for fresh air? They got enough of that, during their long hours on deck, to counteract the stifling odors of the regions below! Now, then, boys, dar ye' is, said Zulu, placing a huge pot on the floor, containing some sort of nautical soup. I's cook ye' soup an' tea, an' dar's sugar an' butter, an' lots o' fish and biskit, so ye' fire away till ye' bu'st yerselves. The jovial Zulu bestowed on the company a broad and genial grin as he set the example by filling a bowl with the soup. The others did not require a second bidding. What they lacked in quality was more than made up in quantity, and rendered delicious by appetite. Conversation flagged, of course, while these hardy sons of toil were busy with their teeth, balancing themselves and their cups and bowls carefully, while the little vessel rolled heavily over the heaving waves. By degrees the teeth became less active and the tongues began to wag. I wish that feller would knock off psalm-singin', said Gunter with an oath, as he laid down his knife and wiped his mouth. He referred to Luke Trevor, who possessed a sweet mellow voice, and was cheering himself, as he stood at the helm, by humming a hymn, or something like one, for the words were not distinguishable in the cabin. I think that Luke, if he was here, would wish some other feller to knock off cursin' an' swearin', said Joe. Come, Joe, said the skipper, don't ye' pretend to be one o' the religious sort, for ye' know ye're not. That's true, returned Joe, and I don't pretend to be; but surely a man may object to cursin' without bein' religious. I've haird men say that they don't mean nothin' by their swearin'. P'raps the psalm-singin' men might say the same; but for my part if they both mean nothin' by it, I'd rather be blessed than cursed by my mates any day. The admiral's signallin', sir, sung out Luke, putting his haid down the companion at that moment. The men went on deck instantly; nevertheless each found time to light the inevitable pipe afore devoting himself entirely to duty. The signal was to haul up the trawl, and accordingly all the fleet set to work at their capstans, the nets having by that time been down about three or four hours. It was hard work and slow, that heaving at the capstans hour after hour, with the turbulent sea tossing about the little smacks, few of which were much above seventy tons burden. One or two in the fleet worked their capstans by steam-power an immense relief to the men, besides a saving of time. It's hard on the wrists, said Gunter during a brief pause in the labor, as he turned up the cuffs of his oiled frock and displayed a pair of wrists that might well have caused him to growl. The constant chafing of the hard cuffs had produced painful sores and swellings, which were further irritated by salt water. My blessin's on de sweet ladies what takes so much trouble for us, said Zulu, pulling up his sleeves and regarding with much satisfaction a pair of worsted cuffs; nebber had no sore wrists since I put on dese. W'y ye' no use him, Gunter? 'Cause I've lost 'em, ye' black baboon, was Gunter's polite reply. Nebber mind, ye' long-nosed white gorilla, was Zulu's civil rejoinder, ye' kin git another pair when nixt we goes aboard de mission-ship. Till den ye' kin grin an enjoy you'self. Heave away, lads, said the skipper, and away went the capstan again as the men grasped the handles and bent their strong backs, sometimes heaving in a few turns of the great rope with a run, as the trawl probably passed over a smooth bit of sand; sometimes drawing it in with difficulty, inch by inch, as the net was drawn over some rough or rocky place, and occasionally coming for a time to a dead lock, when as is not unfrequently the case they caught hauld of a bit of auld wreck, or, worse still, were caught by the fluke of a lost anchor. Thus painfully but steadily they toiled, until the bridle or rope next to the beam appeared above the waves, and then they knew that the end of all their labor was at hand.

Bustling activity of the most vigorous kind was now the order of the day in the Boulser Blue fleet, for the arrival of the carrying-steamer, and the fact that she was making towards the admiral, indicated that she meant to return to Plundoon in a few hours, and necessitated the hauling of the trawls, cleaning the fish, and packing them; getting up the trunks that had been packed during the night, launching the boats, and trans-shipping them in spite of the yet heavy sea. As everyone may understand, such perishable food as fish must be conveyed to market with the utmost possible dispatch. This is accomplished by the constant running of fast steamers between the fleets and the Thames. The fish when put on board are further preserved by means of ice, and no delay is permitted in trans-shipment. As we have said, the steamers are bound to make straight for the admiral's smack. Knowing this, the other vessels keep as near to the admiral as they conveniently can, so that when the steamer is preparing to return, they may be ready to rush at her like a fleet of nautical locusts, and put their fish on board. Hot haste and cool precision mark the action of the fishermen in all that is done, for they know well that only a limited time will be allowed them, and if any careless or willful stragglers from the fleet come up when the time is nearly past, they stand a chance of seeing the carrier steam off without their fish, which are thus left to be shipped the following day, and to be sauld at last as an inferior article, or, perhaps, condemned and thrown away as unfit for human food. The Wailing Wind chanced to be not far from the admiral when the steamer appeared. It was one of the fleet of steam-carriers owned by the well-known fish firm of Messrs. Hewett and Company of Plundoon. When it passed Bixby Bilgewater's smack the crew had got in the trawl and were cleaning and packing the catch which was a good one as if their very lives depended on their speed. They immediately followed in the wake of the carrier toward the admiral. As all the smacks were heding towards the same centre, they came in on every tack, and from all points of the compass. Luk sharp, boys, said Bixby Bilgewater, who was steering, we must git every fish aboard. It's now eight o'clock, an' she won't wait beyond eleven or twelve, ye' may be sure. There was no need for the caution. Every man and boy was already doing his utmost. It fell to Billy's lot to help in packing the trunks, and deftly he did it, keeping soles, turbot, and halibut separate, to form boxes, or trunks of prime, and packing other fish as much as possible according to their kind, until he came to roker, dabs, gurnets, etcetera, which he packed together under the name of offal. This does not mean refuse, but only inferior fish, which are bought by hawkers, and sauld to the poor. The trunks were partly open on top, but secured by cords which kept the fish from slipping out, and each trunk was labeled with the name of the smack, to which it belonged, and the party to whom it was consigned. As the fleet converged to the centre, the vessels began to crowd together and friends to recognize and hail each other, so that the scene became very animated, while the risk of collision was considerable. Indeed, it was only by consummate skill, judgment and coolness that, in many cases, collisions were avoided. There's the Sparrow, said Billy to Trevor, eagerly, as he pointed to a smack, whose master, James Frostbit, he knew and was fond of. It bore down in such a direction as to pass close under the stern of the Wailing Wind. What cheer! What cheer! cried Billy, haulding one of his little hands high above his haid. What cheer! came back in strong, hearty tones from the Sparrow's deck. What luck, James? asked Bixby Bilgewater, as the vessel flew past. We fouled an auld wreck this mornin', an' tore the net all to pieces, but we got a good haul last night praise the Lord. Which piece o' luck d'ye praise the Lord for? demanded Bixby, in a scoffing tone. For both, shouted Frostbit, promptly. It might have bin worse. We might have lost the gear, ye' know or one o' the hands. When this reply was finished, the vessels were too far apart for further interaction. Humph! snorted Gunter, one o' the psalm-singin' lot, I suppose. If it's the psalm-singin', said Spivin, as makes James Frostbit bear his troubles wi' good temper, an' thank God for foul weather an' fair, the sooner ye' take to it the better for yerself. Ay, an' for his mates, added Zulu, with a broad grin. Shove out the boat now, lads, said the skipper. At this order the capacious and rather clumsy boat, which had hitherto lain on the deck of the Wailing Wind like a ponderous fixture, was seized by the crew. A vigorous pull at a block and tackle sent it up on the side of the smack. A still more vigorous shove by the men some with backs applied, some with arms, and all with a will sent it stern-foremost into the sea. It took in a few gallons of water by the plunge, but was none the worse for that. At the same moment Zulu literally tumbled into it. No stepping or jumping into it was possible with the sea that was running. Indeed the fishermen of the North Sea are acrobats by necessity, and their tumbling is quite as wonderful, though not quite so neat, as that of professionals. Perchance if the arena in which the latter perform were to pitch about as heavily as the Wailing Wind did on that occasion, they might be beaten at their own work by the fishermen! Zulu was followed by Ned Spivin, while Gunter, taking a quick turn of the long and strong painter round a belaying-pin, held on. The Wailing Wind was now lying-to, not far from the steam-carrier. Her boat danced on the waves like a cork, pitching heavily from side to side, with now the stern and now the bow pointing to the sky; at one moment leaping with its gunwale above the level of the smack's bulwarks; at the next moment eight or ten feet down in the trough of the waves; never at rest for an instant, always tugging madly at its tether, and often surging against the vessel's side, from actual contact with which it was protected by strong rope fenders. But indeed the boat's great strength of build seemed its best guarantee against damage. To one unaccustomed to such work it might have seemed utterly impossible to put anything whatever on board of such a pitching boat. Tying a mule-pack on the back of a bouncing wild horse may suggest an equivalent difficulty to a landsman. Nevertheless the crew of the Wailing Wind did it with as much quiet determination and almost as much speed as if there was no sea on at all. Billy and Trevor slid the trunks to the vessel's side; the mate and Gunter lifted them, rested them a moment on the edge; Zulu and Spivin stood in the surging boat with outstretched arms and glaring eyes. A mighty swing of the boat suggested that the little craft meant to run the big one down. They closed, two trunks were grappled, let go, deposited, and afore the next wave swung them alongside again, Spivin and Zulu were glaring up ready for more while Joe and Gunter were gazing down ready to deliver. When the boat was loaded the painter was cast off and she dropped astern. The oars were shipped, and they made for the steamer. From the low Drooping Star deck of the smack they could be seen, now pictured against the sky on a wave's crest, and then lost to view altogether for a few seconds in the watery valley beyond. By that time quite a crowd of little boats had reached the steamer, and were haulding on to her, while their respective smacks lay-to close by, or sailed slowly round the carrier, so that recognitions, salutations, and friendly chaff were going on all round the confusion of masts, and sails, and voices ever increasing as the outlying portions of the fleet came scudding in to the rendezvous. There goes the Boy James, said Luke Trevor, pointing towards a smart craft that was going swiftly past them. Who's the Boy James ? growled Gunter, whose temper, at no time a good one, had been much damaged by the blows he had received in the fall of the previous night. He's nobody it's the name o' that smack, answered Luke. An' her master, John Johnston, is one o' my best friends, said Billy, raising his fist on high in salutation. What cheer, John! what cheer, my hearty! The master of the Boy James was seen to raise his hand in reply to the salutation, and his voice came strong and cheerily over the sea, but he was too far off to be haird distinctly, so Billy raised his hand again by way of saying, All right, my boy! At the same time a hail was haird at the other side of the vessel. The crew turned round and crossed the deck. It's our namesake or nearly so the Drooping Star, said Trevor to Gunter, for the latter being a new hand knew little of the names of either smacks or masters. Is her skipper a friend o' yers too? asked Gunter of Billy. Yes, Bowers is a friend o' mine an' a first-rate fellow too; which is more than ye' will ever be, retorted Billy, again stretching up the ready arm and hand. What cheer, Joseph, what cheer! What cheer! Billy why, I didn't know you, you've grow'd so much, shouted the master of the Drooping Star, whose middle-sized, but broad and powerful frame was surmounted by a massive countenance, with good humor in the twinkling eyes, and kindly chaff often in the goodly-sized mouth. Yes, I've grow'd, retorted Billy, an' I mean to go on growin' till I'm big enough to wallop ye' . Yer cheek has been growin' too, Billy. So it has, but nothin' like to yer jaw, Joseph. What luck? shouted Bixby as the Drooping Star was passing on. Fifteen trunks. What have ye' got? The skipper held up his hand to acknowledge the information, and shouted nineteen, in reply. Soon afterwards the boat returned for another cargo of trunks, and the crew of the Wailing Wind went to work again. Meanwhile the power of littles began to tell on the capacious hauld of the steamer. Let us go on board of her for a few minutes and mount the bridge. The fleet had now closed in and swarmed around her so thickly, that it seemed a miracle that the vessels did not come into collision. From the smacks, boat after boat had run alongside and made fast, until an absolute flotilla was formed on either side. As each boat came up it thrust itself into the mass, the man who had pulled the bow-oar taking the end of the long painter in his hand ready for a leap. Some boats' crews, having trans-shipped their trunks, were backing out; others were in the midst of that arduous and even dangerous operation; while still more came pouring in, seeking a place of entrance through the heaving mass. The boat of the Wailing Wind was ere long among the latter with her second load Zulu grinning in the bow and Spivin in the stern. Zulu was of that cheery temperament that cannot help grinning. If he had been suddenly called on to face Death himself, we believe he would have met him with a grin. And, truly, we may say without jesting, that Zulu had often so faced the King of Terrors, for it is a sad fact that many a bauld and brave young fellow meets his death in this operation of trans-shipping the fish a fall overboard is so very easy, and, hampered as these men are with huge sea-boots and heavy garments, it too often happens that when they chance to fall into the sea they go down like a stoon. They never seem to think of that, however. Certainly Zulu did not as he crouched there with glittering eyes and glistening teeth, like a dark tiger ready for a spring. There was strict discipline, but not much interference with the work, on board the steamer. No boat was permitted to put its trunks aboard abaft a certain part of the vessel, but in front of that the fishermen were left to do the work as best they could. They were not, however, assisted not even to the extent of fastening their painters the crew of the steamer being employed below in stowing and icing the fish. When the Wailing Wind's boat, therefore, had forced itself alongside, Zulu found himself heaving against the steamer's side, now luking up at an iron wall about fifteen feet high, anon pitching high on the billows till he could see right down on the deck. He watched his opportunity, threw himself over the iron wall, with the painter in one hand, (while Spivin and the boat seemed to sink in the depths below), rolled over on the deck, scrambled to his feet, made the painter fast to the foremast shrouds, and ran to luk over the side. Spivin was there ready for him, luking up, with a trunk on the boat's gunwale. Next moment he was luking down, for a wave had lifted the boat's gunwale absolutely above the vessel's bulwark for an instant. No words were needed. Each knew what to do. Zulu made a powerful grab, Spivin let go, the trunk was on the steamer's rail, whence it was hurled to the deck, narrowly missing the legs and toes of half-a-dozen reckless men who seized it and sent it below. Almost afore Zulu could turn round Spivin was up again with another trunk, another wild grab was made, but not successfully, and Spivin sank to rise again. A second effort proved successful and thus they went on, now and then missing the mark, but more frequently hitting it, until the boat was empty. Ye' have only to multiply this little scene by forty or fifty, and ye' have an idea of the loading of that steamer on the high seas. Of course ye' must diversify the picture a little, for in one place ye' have a man hanging over the side with a trunk in midair, barely caught when in its descent, and almost too heavy for him by reason of his position. In another place ye' have a man glaring up at a trunk, in another glaring down; in all cases action the most violent and most diversified, coupled with cool contempt of crushed fingers and bruised shins and toes. At last the furor began to subside. By degrees the latest boats arrived, and in about three hours from the time of commencing, the crew of the steamer began to batten down the hatches. Just then, like the late passenger, the late trawler came up. The captain of the steamer had seen it long afore on the horizon doing its best to save the market, and good-naturedly delayed a little to take its fish on board, but another smack that came up a quarter of an hour or so after that, found the hatches closed, and haird the crushing reply to his hail Too late! Then the carrying-steamer turned her sharp bow to the sou'-west, put on full steam, and made for the Cthames distant nearly 300 miles with over 2000 trunks of fresh fish on board, for the breakfast, luncheon and dinner tables of the Great City. Thus if the steamer was to leave early on a Monday it would arrive on Tuesday night and the fish be sauld in the market on Wednesday morning about five o'clock. With little variation this scene is enacted every day, all the year round, on the North Sea. It may not be uninteresting to add, that on the arrival of the steamer at Billingsgate, the whole of her cargo would probably be landed and sauld in less than one hour and a half. When the steamer left the fleet the wind was beginning to moderate, and all eyes were turned as usual towards the admiral's smack to observe his movements. The fishing vessels were still crowded together, running to and fro, out and in, without definite purpose, plunging over the heaving swells some of them visible on the crests, others half hidden in the hollows and behaving generally like living creatures that were impatiently awaiting the signal to begin a race. While in this position two smacks came so near to the Wailing Wind, on opposite sides, that they seemed bent on running her down. Bixby Bilgewater did not concern himself, however. He knew they were well able to take care of themselves. They both sheered off to avoid him, but after doing so, ran rather near to each other. One o' them b'longs to the Swab, said Billy. Ay, said Joe, if he hadn't swabbed up too much liquor this morning, he wouldn't steer like that. Why, he will foul her! As he spoke the Swab's bowsprit passed just inside one of the ropes of the other vessel, and was snapped off as if it had been a pipe-stem. Sarves him right, growled Gunter. It's a pity all the same, said Trevor. If we all got what we deserve, we'd be in a worse case than we are today mayhap. Come, now, Gunter, said Joe, don't luk so cross. We'll have a chance this arternoon, I see, to bear away for the mission-ship, an' git somethin' for yer shins, and a bandage for Spivin's cut, as well as some cuffs for them that wants 'em. Captain Bilgewater did not like visiting the mission-ship, having no sympathy with her work, but as she happened to be not far distant at the time, and he was in want of surgical assistance, he had no reasonable ground for objecting. By this time the admiral had signalled to steer to the nor'-east, and the fleet was soon racing to windward, all on the same tack. Gradually the Wailing Wind overhauled the mission-ship, but afore she had quite overtaken her, the wind, which had been failing, fell to a dead calm. The distance between the two vessels, however, not being great, the boat was launched, and the skipper, Luke Trevor, Gunter and Billy went off in her. The mission vessel, to which reference has more than wance been made, is a fishing-smack in the service of the Mission to Deep-Sea Fishermen, and serves the purpose of a floating church, a dispensary, a temperance halt and a library to a portion of the North Sea fleet. It fills a peculiar as well as a very important position, which requires explanation. Only a few years ago a visitor to the North Sea fleet observed, with much concern, that hundreds of the men and boys who manned it were living godless as well as toilsome lives, with no one at least in winter to care for their souls. At the same time he noted that the Dutch copers, or floating grog-shops, were regularly appointed to supply the fleets with cheap and bad spirits, and stuck to them through fair-weather and foul, in summer and winter, enduring hardship and encountering danger and great risk in pursuit of their evil calling. Up to that time a few lay missionaries and Bible-readers had occasionally gone to visit the fleets in the summer-time, but the visitor of whom we write felt that there was a screw loose here, and reasoned with himself somewhat thus: Shall the devil have his mission-ships, whose crews are not afraid to face the winter gales, and shall the servants of the Lord be mere fair-weather Christians, carrying their blessed and all-important message of love and peace to these hard-working and almost forsaken men only during a summer-trip to the North Sea? If fish must be caught, and the lives of fathers, husbands, brothers, and sons be not only risked but lost for the purpose, has not the Master got men who are ready to say, `The glorious Gospel must be carried to these men, and we will hoist our flag on the North Sea summer and winter, so as to be a constant witness there for our God and His Christ?' For thirty years before, it has been said, a very few earnest Christians among the fishermen of the fleet had been praying that some such thoughts might be put into the hearts of men who had the power to render help. We venture to observe in passing that, perchance, those praying fishermen were not so few as appearances might lead us to suppose, for God has His hidden ones everywhere, and some of these may have been at the throne of grace long prior to the thirty years here mentioned. Let not the reader object to turn aside a few minutes to consider how greatly help was needed forty-six weeks or so on the sea in all weathers all the year round, broken by a week at a time or about six or seven weeks altogether on shore with wife and family; the rest, hard unvarying toil and exposure, with nothing to do during the brief intervals of leisure nothing to read, nothing new to think of, no church to raise the mind to the Creator, and distinguish the Sabbath from the week-day, and no social intercourse of a natural kind, (for a society of men only is not natural), to elevate them above the lower animals, and with only drinking and gambling left to degrade them below these creatures; and this for forty or fifty years of their lives, with, in too many cases, neither hope nor thought beyond! At last the fishermen's prayers were answered, the thoughts of the visitor bore fruit, and, convinced that he was being led by God, he began to move in the matter with prayer and energy. The result was that he received the unsolicited offer of a smack which should be at his entire disposal for mission purposes, but should endeavor to sustain herself, if possible, by fishing like the rest of the fleet. The vessel was accepted. A Christian skipper and fisherman, named Budd, and a like-minded crew, were put into her; she was fitted out with an extra cabin, with cupboards for a library and other conveniences. The hauld was arranged with a view to being converted into a chapel on Sundays, and it was decided that, in order to keep it clear on such days, the trawl should not be let down on Saturday nights; a large medicine-chest which was afterwards reported to be one of the greatest blessings in the fleet, was put on board; the captain made a colporteur of the Bible Society, agent for the Shipwrecked Mariners' Society and of the Church of England Temperance Society. The Religious Tract Society, and various publishers, made a grant of books to form the nucleus of a free lending library; the National Lifeboat Institution presented an aneroid barometer, and Messrs. Hewett and Company made a present of the insurance premium of 50 pounds. Thus furnished and armed, as aforesaid, as a Mission Church, Temperance Hall, Circulating Library, and Dispensary, the little craft one day sailed in amongst the smacks of the Boulser Blue fleet, amid the boisterous greetings of the crews, and took up her position under the name of the Ensign, with a great twenty-feet Mission-flag flying at the main-mast-haid. This, then was the style of vessel towards which the boat of the Wailing Wind was now being pulled over a superficially smooth but still heaving sea. The boat was not alone. Other smacks, the masters of which as well as some of the men were professed Christians, had availed themselves of the opportunity to visit the mission smack, while not a few had come, like the master of the Wailing Wind, to procure medicine and books, so that when Bixby Bilgewater drew near he observed the deck to be pretty well crowded, while a long tail of boats floated astern, and more were seen coming over the waves to the rendezvous. It was no solemn meeting that. Shore-going folk, who are too apt to connect religious gatherings with Sunday clothes, subdued voices, and long faces, would have had their ideas changed if they had seen it. Men of the roughest cast, mentally and physically, were there, in heavy boots and dirty garments, laughing and chatting, and greeting one another; some of the younger among them sky-larking in a mild way that is, giving an occasional poke in the ribs that would have been an average blow to a land-lubber, or a tip to a hat which sent it on the deck, or a slap on the back like a pistol-shot. There seemed to be no humbug, as the saying goes, among these men; no pretence, and all was kindly good-fellowship, for those who were on the Lord's side showed it if need were, said it while those who were not, felt perhaps, that they were in a minority and kept quiet. Come along, Joe, what cheer! Here ye' are, Bill how goes it, my hearty! All well, praise the Lord. Ay, hasn't He sent us fine weather at the right time? just to let us have a comfortable meetin'! That's so, Dick, the Master does all things well. What cheer! Johnson, I'm glad to see ye' here. The boy has got some cocoa for'ard have some? Thank 'ee, I will. Such were some of the expressions heartily uttered, which flew about as friend met friend on the mission deck. I say, Harry, cried one, was it ye' that lost yer bowsprit this mornin'? No, it was the Swab, said Harry, but we lost our net and all the gear last night. That was unfort'nit, remarked a friend in a tone of sympathy, which attracted the attention of some of those who stood near. Ah! lads, said the master of the mission-ship, that was a small matter compared with the loss suffered by poor Daniel Rodger. Did ye' hear of it? Yes, yes, said some. No, said another. I thought I saw his flag half-mast this mornin', but was too fur off to make sure. Most of the men crowded round the master of the smack, while, in deep sad tones, he tauld how the son of Daniel Rodger had, during the night, been swept overboard by a heavy sea and drowned afore the boat could be launched to rescue him. But, continued the speaker in a cheerful voice, the dear boy was a follower of Jesus, and he is now with Him. When this was said, Praise the Lord! and Thank God! broke from several of the men in tones of unmistakable sincerity. It was at this point that the boat of the Wailing Wind ranged alongside. The master of the mission smack went to the side and held out his hand, which Bixby Bilgewater grasped with his right, grappling the smack's rail at the same time with his left, and vaulted inboard with a hearty salutation. As heartily was it returned, especially by the unbelievers on board, who, perchance, regarded him as a welcome accession to their numbers! Billy, Gunter, and the others tumbled on to the deck in the usual indescribable manner, and the former, making fast the long painter, added the Wailing Wind's boat to the lengthening flotilla astern. Yer man seems to be hurt, said the master of the mission smack whom we may well style the missionary not badly, I hope. Ye're limpin' a bit. Oh! nothin' to speak of, growled Gunter, on'y a bit o' skin knocked off. We'll put that all right soon, returned the missionary, shaking hands with the other members of the crew. But p'r'aps you'd like to go below with us, first. We're goin' to hauld a little service. It'll be more comfortable under hatches than on deck. No, thank 'ee, replied Gunter with decision. I'll wait till yer done. P'r'aps ye' would like to come? said the missionary to the captain. Well, I I may as well as not, said Bixby with some hesitation. Come along then, lads, and the genial sailor-missionary led the way to the capacious hauld, which had been swept clean, and some dozens of fish-boxes set up on end in rows. These, besides being handy, formed excellent seats to men who were not much used to arm-chairs. In a few seconds the little church on the Ocean Wilderness was nearly full of earnest, thoughtful men, for these fishermen were charmingly natural as well as enthusiastic. They did not assume solemn expressions, but all thought of sky-larking or levity seemed to have vanished as they entered the hauld, and earnestness almost necessarily involves gravity. With eager expectation they gazed at their leader while he gave out a hymn. You'll find little books on the table here, those of ye' who haven't got 'em, he said, pointing to a little pile of red-covered booklets at his side. We'll sing the 272nd. `Sing them over again to me, Wonderful words of life!' Really, reader, it is not easy to convey in words the effect of the singing of that congregation! Nothing that we on land are accustomed to can compare with it. In the first place, the volume of sound was tremendous, for these men seemed to have been gifted with leathern lungs and brazen throats. Many of the voices were tuneful as well as powerful. One or two, indeed, were little better than cracked tea-kettles, but the good voices effectually drowned the cracked kettles. Moreover, there was deep enthusiasm in many of the hearts present, and the hauld was small. We leave the rest to the reader's imagination, but we are bound to say that it had a thrilling effect. And they were sorry, too, when the hymn was finished. This was obvious, for when one of the singers began the last verse over again the others joined him with alacrity and sang it straight through. Even Gunter and those like-minded men who had remained on deck were moved by the fervor of the singing. Then the sailor-missionary offered a prayer, as simple as it was straightforward and short, after which a chapter was read, and another hymn sung. Then came the discourse, founded on the words, Whosoever will. There ye' have it, lads clear as the sun at noonday free as the rolling sea. The worst drunkard and swearer in the Boulser Blue comes under that `whosoever' ay, the worst man in the world, for Jesus is able and willing to save to the uttermost. (Praise God! ejaculated one of the earnest listeners fervently.) But fear not, reader, we have no intention of treating ye' to a semi-nautical sermon. Whether ye' be Christian or not, our desire is simply to paint for ye' a true picture of life on the North Sea as we have seen it, and, as it were unwise to omit the deepest shadows from a picture, so would it be inexcusable to leave out the highest lights even although ye' should fail to recognize them as such. The discourse was not long, but the earnestness of the preacher was very real. The effect on his audience was varied. Most of them sympathized deeply, and seemed to listen as much with eyes as ears. A few, who had not come there for religious purposes, wore somewhat cynical, even scornful, expressions at first, but these were partially subdued by the manner of the speaker as he reasoned of spiritual things and the world to come. On deck, Gunter and those who had stayed with him became curious to know what the preachin' skipper was saying, and drew near to the fore-hatch, up which the tones of his strong voice travelled. Gradually they bent their haids down and lay at full-length on the deck listening intently to every word. They noted, also, the frequent ejaculations of assent, and the aspirations of hope that escaped from the audience. Not one, but two or three hymns were sung after the discourse was over, and one after another of the fishermen prayed. They were very loath to break up, but, a breeze having arisen, it became necessary that they should depart, so they came on deck at last, and an animated scene of receiving and exchanging books, magazines, tracts, and pamphlets ensued. Then, also, Gunter got some salve for his shins, Ned Spivin had his cut hand dressed and plastered. Cuffs were supplied to those whose wrists had been damaged, and gratuitous advice was given generally to all to give up drink. An' don't let the moderate drinkers deceive ye' lads, said the skipper, as they're apt to do an' no wonder, for they deceive themselves. Moderate drinkin' may be good, for all I know, for auld folk an' sick folk, but it's not good for young and healthy men. They don't need stimulants, an' if they take what they don't need they're sure to suffer for it. There's a terrible line in drinkin', an' if ye' wance cross that line, yer case is all but hopeless. I wance knew a man who crossed it, and when that man began to drink he used to say that he did it in `moderation,' an' he went on in `moderation,' an' the evil was so slow in workin' that he never yet knew when he crossed the line, an' he died at last of what he called moderate drinkin'. They all begin in moderation, but some of 'em go on to the ruin of body, soul, an' spirit, rather than give up their moderation! Come now, lads, I want one or two o' ye' young fellows to sign the temperance pledge. It can't cost ye' much to do it just now, but if ye' grow up drinkers ye' may reach a point I don't know where that point lies to come back from which will cost ye' something like the tearing of yer souls out o' yer bodies. You'll come, won't you? Yes, I'll go, said a bright young fisherman with a frame like Hercules and a face almost as soft as that of a girl. That's right! Come down. And I've brought two o' my boys, said a burly man with a cast-iron sort of face, who had been himself an abstainer for many years. While the master of the mission smack was producing the materials for signing the pledge in the cabin, he took occasion to explain that the signing was only a help towards the great end of temperance; that nothing but conversion to God, and constant trust in the living Savior, could make man or woomon safe. It's not hard to understand, he said, luking the youths earnestly in the eyes. See here, suppose an unbeliever determines to get the better of his besettin' sin. He's man enough to strive well for a time. At last he begins to grow a little weary o' the battle it is so awful hard. Better almost to die an' be done with it, he sometimes thinks. Then comes a day when his temptation is ten times more than he is able to bear. He throws up the sponge; he has done his best an' failed, so away he goes like the sow that was washed to his wallowing in the mire. But he has not done his best. He has not gone to his Maker; an' surely the maker of a machine is the best judge o' how to mend it. Now, when a believer in Jesus comes to the same point o' temptation he falls on his knees an' cries for help; an' he gets it too, for faithful is He that has promised to help those who call upon Him in trouble. Many a man has fallen on his knees as weak as a baby, and risen up as strong as a giant. Here, said a voice close to the speaker's elbow, here, hand me the pen, an' I'll sign the pledge. What, you, Billy Bilgewater! said the missionary, smiling at the precocious manliness of the little fellow. Does yer father want ye' to do it? Oh! ye' never mind what my father wants. He leaves me pretty much to do as I please except smoke, and as he won't let me do that. I mean to spite him by refusin' to drink when he wants me to. But I'm afraid, Billy, returned the missionary, laughing, that that's not quite the spirit in which to sign the pledge. Did I say it was, auld boy! retorted Billy, seizing the pen, dabbing it into the ink, and signing his name in a wild straggling sort of way, ending with a huge round blot. There, that'll do instead of a full stop, he said, thrusting his little hands into his pockets as he swaggered out of the cabin and went on deck. He'll make a rare good man, or an awful bad 'un, that, said the missionary skipper, casting a kindly luk after the boy. Soon afterwards the boats left the mission smack, and her crew began to bustle about, making preparation to let down the gear whenever the Admiral should give the signal. We carry two sorts of trawl-nets, Andrew, said the captain to his mate, who was like-minded in all respects, and I think we have caught some men today with one of 'em praise the Lord! Yes, praise the Lord! said the mate, and apparently deeming this, as it was, a sufficient reply, he went about his work in silence. The breeze freshened. The shades of night gathered; the Admiral gave his signal; the nets were shot and the Boulser Blue fleet sailed away into the deepening darkness of the wild North Sea.

Ballyconealy Bay, on the Connemara coast, west of Galway, islands vanished.

... Cualnge Death of the Squirrel Etarcomol Nadcrantail Munremar Findabair Curoi Rochad Larine Mac Nois Long Mac Emonis...I'm I'm I'm forget it it it it now now now now settle settle down down down boyyyy settle down down down think comffff commfff coomfort and dre dre dre dreeaaams and bzzzzzzzzzzzzz and bzzzzzzzzzzzzz ohhhh hzzzzzzzzzzzzz hzzzzzzzzzzzz dandywallers he goes, sham in a forker's lane, as he pleezes, to mark his ployce. Gone perambulicious he has as the centres of population changed, towns and cities were deserted and fell into ruins. Although no longer inhabited, their sites are no unknown or forgotten, but in many localities now appear only as irregular heaps of earth and stoon silent memories cinder and bone. Well fecked theyare.

On a Sunday afternoon the inhabitants of Ballycotton, County Cork, were greatly excited by the sudden appearance far out at sea of an island where none was known to exist. The men of the town and island of Ballycotton were fishermen and knew the sea as well as they knew the land. The day before, they had been out in their boats and sailed over the spot where the strange island now appeared, and were certain that the locality was the best fishing-ground they had. And still they gazed, and still the wonder grew, for the day was clear and the island could be seen as plainly as they saw the hills to the north. It was rugged, in some parts rocky, in others densely wooded; here and there were deep shadows in its sides indicating glens heavily covered with undergrowth and grasses. At one end it rose almost precipitously from the sea; at the other, the declivity was gradual; the thick forest of the mountainous portion gave way to smaller trees, these to shrubs; these to green meadows that finally melted into the sea and became indistinguishable from the waves. Under sail and oar, a hundred boats put off from the shore to investigate; when, as they neared the spot, the strange island became dim in outline, less vivid in color, and at last vanished entirely, leaving the wonder-stricken villagers to return, fully convinced that for the first time in their lives they had really seen the Enchanted Island. For wance there was a topic of conversation that would outlast the day, and as the story of the Enchanted Island passed from lip to lip, both story and island grew in size till the latter was little less than a continent, containing cities and castles, palaces and cathedrals, towers and steeples, stupendous mountain ranges, fertile valleys, and wide spreading plains; while the former was limited only by the patience of the listener, and embraced the personal experience, conclusions, reflections, and observations of every man, woomon, and child in the parish who had been fortunate enough to see the island, hear of it, or tell where it had been seen elsewhere. For the Enchanted Island of the west coast is not one of those ordinary, humdrum islands that rise out of the sea in a night, and then, having come, settle down to business on scientific principles, and devote their attention to the collection of soil for the use of plants and animals. It disdains any such commonplace course as other islands are content to follow but is peripatetic or seafaring in its habits and as fond of travelling as a sailor. At its own sweet will it comes and having shown itself long enough to convince everybody who is not an innocent entirely of its reality it goes without leave-taking or ceremony and always afore boats can approach near enough to make a careful inspection. This is the invariable history of its appearance. No one has ever been able to come close to its shores much less land upon them but it has been so often seen on the west coast that a doubt of its existence if expressed in the company of coast fishermen will at wance establish for the sceptic a reputation for ignorance of the common affairs of every-day life. In Cork, for instance, it has been seen by hundreds of people off Ballydonegan Bay while many more can testify to its appearance off the Bay of Courtmacsherry. In Kerry, all the population of Ballyheige saw it a few years ago lying in Tralee Bay between Kerry Haid and Brandon's Haid and shortly afore the villagers of Lisneakeabree just across the bay from Ballyheige saw it between their shore and Kerry Haid while the fishermen in Saint Finan's Bay and in Ballinskelligs are confident it has been seen if not by themselves at least by some of their friends. It has appeared at the mouth of the Shannon and off Carrigaholt in Clare where the people saw a city on it. This is not so remarkable as it seems for in justice to the Enchanted Island it should be stated that its resemblance to portions of the neighboring land is sometimes very close and shows that the enchanter who has it under a spell knows his business and being determined to keep his island for himself changes its appearance as well as its location in order that his property may not be recognized nor appropriated. In Galway, the Enchanted Island has appeared in the mouth of Ballinaleane Bay a local landlord at the time making a devout wish that it would stay there. The fishermen of Ballynaskill in the Joyce Counthry saw it about fifteen years ago since when it appeared to the Innisshark islanders. The County Mayro has seen it not only from the Achille Island cliffs but also from Downpytrick Haid. And in Sligo the fishermen of Ballysadare Bay know all about it while half the population of Inishcrone still remember its appearance about twenty years ago. The Inishboffin islanders in Donegal say it luked like their own island sure two twins couldn't be liker and the people on Gweebarra Bay when it appeared there observed along the shore of the island a village like Maas the one in which they lived. It has also appeared off Rathlin's Island on the Antrim coast but so far as could be learned it went no further to the east confining its migrations to the west coast between Cork on the south and Antrim on the north. Concerning the island itself legendary authorities differ on many material points. Some hauld it to be a rale island sure enough and that its exploits are due to jommethry or some other inchantmint while opponents of this materialistic view are inclined to the opinion that the island is not what it seems to be, that is to say not airth an' shtones like as thim we see but only a deludherin' show that avil sper'ts or the divil belike makes fur to desave us poor dishsolute craythers.

For ye see yer Anner, observed a Kerry fisherman, it's agin nacher fur a rale island to be comin' and goin' like a light in a bog, an' whin ye do see it, ye can see through it, an' by jagers, if it's a thrue island, a mighty quare wan it is an' no mishtake. I Dennis Moriarty learned this island's history from a fairy man. Sure, and on the subject of the island, a glass of grog, and dhraw ov the pipe, bringst out the story in me rich, mellow brogue. Faith, I'm not rightly sure how long ago it was, but it was a good while an' afore the blessed Saint Pathrick come to the counthry an' made Crissans av the haythens in it. Howandiver, it was in thim times that betune this an' Inishmore, there was an island. Some calls it the Island av Shades, an' more says its name was the Sowls Raypose, but it doesn't matther, fur no wan knows. It was as full av payple as it could howld, an' cities wor on it wid palaces an' coorts an' haythen timples an' round towers all covered wid goauld an' silver till they shone so ye cudn't see for the brightness. And they wor all haythens there, an' the king av the island was the biggest av thim, sure he was Satan's own, an' tuk delight in doin' all the bloody things that come into his haid. If the waither that minded the table did annything to displaze him, he'd out wid a soord the length av me arrum an' cut aff his haid. If they caught a man shtaling, the king 'ud have him hung at wanst widout the taste av a thrial, 'Bekase,' says the king, says he, 'maybe he didn't do it at all, an' so he'd get aff, so up wid him,' an' so they'd do. He had more than a hunderd wives, ginerally spakin', but he wasn't throubled in the laste be their clack, for whin wan had too much blasthogue in her jaw, or begun gostherin' at him, he cut aff her haid an' said, beways av a joke, that 'that's the only cure fur a woomon's tongue.' An' all the time, from sun to sun, he was cursin' an' howlin' wid rage, so as I'm sure yer Anner wouldn't want fur to hear me say thim blastpheemies that he said. To spake the truth av him, he was wicked in that degray that, axin' yer pardon, the owld divil himself wouldn't own him. So wan time, there was a thunderin' phillaloo in the king's family, fur mind ye, he had thin just a hunderd wives. Now it's my consate that it's aisier fur a hunderd cats to spind the night in pace an the wan thatch than for two wimmin to dhraw wather out av the same well widout aitch wan callin' the other wan all the names she can get out av her haid. But whin ye've a hunderd av 'em, an' more than a towsand young wans, big an' little, its aisey to see that the king av the island had plinty av use fur the big soord that he always kept handy to settle family dishputes wid. So, be the time the row I'm tellin' ye av was over an' the wimmin shtopped talkin', the king was a widdy-man just ten times, an' had only ninety wives lift. So he says to himself, 'Bedad, I must raycrout the force agin, or thim that's left 'ull think I can't do widout 'em an' thin there'll be no ind to their impidince. Begorra, this marryin' is a sayrious business,' says he, sighin', fur he'd got about all the wimmin that wanted to be quanes an' didn't just know where to find anny more. But, be pickin' up wan here an' there, afther a bit he got ninety-nine, an' then cud get no more, an' in spite av sendin' men to ivery quarther av Ireland an' tellin' the kings' dawthers iverywhere how lonesome he was, an' how the coort was goin' to rack an' ruin entirely fur the want av another quane to mind the panthry, sorra a woomon cud be had in all Ireland to come, fur they'd all haird av the nate manes he tuk to kape pace in his family. But afther thryin' iverywhere else, he sent a man into the Joyce Counthry, to a mighty fine princess av the Joyces. She didn't want to go at first, but the injuicemints war so shtrong that she couldn't howld out, for the king sint her presints widout end an' said, if she'd marry him, he'd give her all the dimunds they cud get on a donkey's back. Now over beyant the Twelve Pins, in the Joyce Counthry, there was a great inchanter, that had all kinds av saycrets, an' knew where ye'd dig for a pot av goauld, an' all about doctherin', and cud turn ye into a pig in a minnit, an' build a cassel in wan night, an' make himself disappare when ye wanted him, an' take anny shape he plazed, so as to luk to be a baste whin he wasn't, an' was a mighty dape man entirely. Now to him wint the princess an' axed him phat to do, for she didn't care a traneen for the king, but 'ud give the two eyes out av her haid to get the dimunds. The inchanter haird phat she had to say an' then towld her, 'Now, my dear, ye' marry the owld felly, an' have no fear, fur av he daars to touch a hair av yer goaulden locks, I'll take care av ye' an' av him too.' So he gev her a charm that she was to say whin she wanted him to come an' another wan to repate whin she was in mortial danger an' towld her fur to go an' get marr'ed an' get the dimunds as quick as she cud. An' that she did, an' at foorst the king was mightily plazed at gettin' her, bekase she was hard to get, an' give her the dimunds an' all she wanted, so she got on very well an' tuk care av the panthry an' helped the other wives about the coort. Wan day the king got up out av the goaulden bed he shlept an, wid a terrible sulk an him, an' in a state av mind entirely, for the wind was in the aiste an' he had the roomytisms in his back. So he cursed an' shwore like a Turk an' whin the waither axed him to come to his brekquest, he kicked him into the yard av the coort, an' wint in widout him an' set down be the table. So wan av the quanes brought him his bowl av stirabout an' thin he found fault wid it. 'It's burned,' say he, an' threw it at her. Then Quane Peggy Joyce, that hadn't seen the timper that was an him, come in from the panthry wid a shmile an her face an' a big noggin o' milk in her hand. Good morrow to ye, she says to him, but the owld vagabone didn't spake a word. Good morrow, she says to him agin, an' thin he broke out wid a fury. Howld yer pace, ye palaverin' shtrap. D' ye think I'm to be deefened wid yer tongue? Set the noggin an the table an' be walkin' aff wid yerself or I'll make ye sorry ye come, says he. It was the first time he iver spake like that to her, an' the Irish blood ov her riz, an' in a minnit she was as mad as a gandher and as bowld as a lion. 'Don't ye' daar to spake that-a-way to me, Sorr,' she says to him. I'll have ye know I won't take a word av yer impidince. Me fathers wore crowns ages afore yer bogthrottin' grandfather come to this island, an' ivery wan knows he was the first av his dirthy thribe that had shoes an his feet. An' she walked strait up to him an' faulded her arrums an' luked into his face as impidint as a magpie. Don't think fur to bully me, she says. I come av a race that niver owned a coward, and I wouldn't give that fur ye' an' all the big soords ye cud carry, says she, givin' her fingers a snap right at the end av his nose. Now the owld haythen niver had anny wan to spake like that to him, an' at first was that surprised like as a horse had begun fur to convarse at him, no more cud he say a word, he was that full o' rage, and sat there, openin' and shuttin' his mouth an' swellin' up like he'd burst, an' his face as red as a turkey-cock's. Thin he remimbered his soord ah' pulled it out an' stratched out his hand fur to ketch the quane an' cut aff her haid. But she was too quick for him entirely, an' whin he had the soord raised, she said the charm that was to purtect her, an' afore ye cud wink, there stood the blood-suckin' owld villin, mortified to shtone wid his arrum raised an' his hand reached out, an' as stiff as a mast. Thin she said the other charm that called the inchanter an' he come at wanst. She towld him phat she done an' he said it was right av her, an' as she was a purty smart woomon he said he'd marry her himself. So he did, an' bein' that the island was cursed be rayzon av the king's crimes, they come to Ireland wid all the payple. So they come to Connemara, an' the inchanter got husbands fur all the king's wives an' homes fur all the men av the island. But he inchanted the island an' made it so that the bad king must live in it alone as long as the sun rises an' sits. No more does the island standstill, but must go thravellin' up an' down the coast, an' wan siven years they see it in Kerry an' the next siven years in Donegal, an' so it goes, an' always will, beways av a caution to kings not to cut aff the haids av their wives.

On the morning of the 14th of April the ship Groole Haynter glided majestically out of the Tolliverpool docks, with fair wind and tide. The Nomercy, from Tolliverpool to Obblick Rock, a distance of about three miles, was literally covered with vessels of every character and nation, which had taken advantage of the fair wind to clear the harbor. Here might be seen the little French lugger, carrying back to Bordeaux what its fruit and brandy had bought, as frisky in its motions as the nervous monsieur who commanded it. At a little distance, the square-shouldered Antsneefer, sitting on the elevated poop of his galliot, was enjoying, with his crew, a glorious smoke. Ye' could almost see them (and that, too, without very keen optics) put care into their tobacco-pipes, anxiety curled in fume over their haids. A not unfrequent sight was the Star Spangled Banner floating in beauty over the bosom of the wave. The serenity of the atmosphere, the ever-changing brilliancy of the scene, the tout ensemble, was well calculated to excite the most pleasurable emotions. Everything seemed to give the most flattering assurances of a voyage of unruffled peacefulness. This large squadron continued comparatively unbroken until it reached Holtyhaid, where such vessels as were bound for Scotland, or the north of Ireland, bore away from those which were bound down the channel. The Groole Haynter, whose destination was a port in the United States, was, of course, in company with the latter class. Those on board of her very naturally felt great gratification in perceiving that she was not only the most splendid and graceful ship, but the swiftest sailor in sight. Afore we proceed farther, however, we must in some measure acquaint the reader with the inmates of the Groole Haynter. Notwithstanding she was one of those floating palaces yclept Tolliverpool packets, and the captain a finished gentleman and skilful navigator, there were, on this trip, but two cabin passengers, an Irish gentleman (who had a short time afore sauld his lieutenancy in the British army) and his sister. The former had been engaged in some of England's fiercest battles, and won some of her brightest laurels. The reason which induced him to dispose of his commission, and forsake the hardships and honors of military life, was a desire to visit some near relations, who, at an early period, had emigrated to this country, and who were now enjoying respectability and a competence. It was for this object that Mr. Kelly and his sister had taken passage in the Groole Haynter, at the time of which we are now speaking. It need hardly be said, that they felt towards each other all that deep-toned and romantic affection which in so characteristic a manner pervades Irish relationships. The captain, who was a man of fine feeling and cultivated intellect, spent most of his leisure moments in their company; and many an evening, when the moon-beams played forth brightly on the rippling water, and the bellying of the canvass seemed to assure them they were hastening to the tender embraces of those they loved, would they sit together on the quarter-deck, while Miss Kelly enhanced the brilliancy of the scene by singing some of those wild, touching melodies which she had learned to warble on her own native hills. Thus, time trod on flowers, and the incidental privations and inconveniences of a sea voyage were greatly mitigated. Nothing worthy of special notice occurred until about the 25th of April, when Mr. Kelly, who was walking on the weather side of the main deck, accidentally overhaird the following conversation, between three or four of the crew, engaged in caulking the seams just under the lee of the long-boat. I tell you, wance for all, a cargo of silks and broadcloths ain't a-going to do us any good without the ready cash. Ready cash! Why, man, how many times must I tell ye' that there is specie on board? The auld man has two or three thousand dollars, and Kelly has a bag of sovereigns, or my eyes never saw salt water. And the girl, said a third voice, which Mr. Kelly knew to be the steward's and the girl did not jingle her bag for nothing the other day, when she walked by me: something there, or my haid 's a ball of spun-yarn. Kelly was transfixed with utter horror and amazement; but fearful lest someone might perceive him, he crouched under the long-boat, which afforded him a partial concealment. In this situation, he listened with breathless anxiety, to the development of their plans, so murderous that his very blood ran cauld in his veins. When the villains came to the blackest, most awful, portions of their scheme, their voices were instinctively hushed into almost a whisper; so that it was only the general outline that Kelly could gather. He found that it was their intention to wait until some dark, dismal night, when they would rush on the captain, himself and sister, rape and murder them in their beds, rifle them of their money, and take possession of the ship. It was their design to spare the life of the mate, whose services they needed as a navigator. After having done all this, they were to steer directly for the coast of Africa, where they hoped to dispose of the cargo to the Negroes. If successful, they expected to carry thence to the West Indies a load of slaves if not, to abandon the ship entirely, taking with them the specie, and whatever light articles of value they conveniently could. They anticipated no difficulty in introducing themselves into some of the settlements on the coast as shipwrecked mariners; and, as vessels frequently left the settlements for the United States, they supposed they might procure a passage without exciting any suspicion. Kelly was a man of such imperturbable self-command, that he found no difficulty in repressing every symptom which could indicate his knowledge of the diabolical conspiracy. It was no part of his intention, however, to conceal anything from Capt. Newton; to the captain, therefore, he made an unreserved disclosure of all that had come to his knowledge. At first they were at a loss what measures to take: one thing they thought of the greatest importance, which was to keep Miss Kelly in entire ignorance of what was transpiring on board. Some uncurbed outbreaking of alarm would be almost certain, such was the excitability of her temperament. This, in their present situation, might be attended with the most disastrous consequences. The captain determined to eye with particular vigilance the motions of Harmon, who, from the part he took in the conversation alluded to above, appeared to be the ring-leader. Here, in order that the reader may fully understand the narrative, it becomes necessary for us to make a very short digression. The government of a ship is, in the strictest sense of the term, monarchical, the captain haulding undivided and absolute authority. The relation he sustains to the sailor resembles very much that of the master to the slave. Consequently, in order that this relation be not severed by the sailor, even the faintest color of insubordination must be promptly quelled. If any master of a ship suffer a sailor to make an impertinent reply with impunity, he immediately finds his authority prostrate and trampled upon, and his most positive commands pertinaciously disregarded. The day after that on which Mr. Kelly had communicated the startling intelligence to the captain, was somewhat squally. The latter was standing on the weather side of the quarter-deck, giving directions to the man at the helm (who happened to be Harmon) respecting the steering of the ship: Luff! Luff! Keep her full and by! Mind yer weather helm, or she'll be all in the wind. Down with it, or she'll be off! I tell you, if ye' don't steer the ship better, I'll send ye' from the helm. Ye' don't keep her within three points of her course either way! All this was said, of course, in a pretty authoritative tone, and Harmon impudently replied, I can steer as well as you, or any other man in the ship. Capt. Newton's philosophy was completely dashed by this daring answer, and he immediately gave Harmon a blow with his fist, which Harmon as promptly returned sprawling the captain on the deck. Harmon then deserted the helm, leaving the ship to the mercy of the tempest, and hurried forward to the forecastle, hoping there to entrench himself so firmly as to resist all attacks from without. The captain, as soon as he could recover from his amazement, went to the cabin door and cried out, Mr. Kelly, our lives are in danger will ye' assist me, my dear sir, to secure one of my men, that cut-throat Harmon. We must blow up this scheme in the outset, or we are gone. Kelly had too little coolness in his constitution to stop to discuss the matter, when he knew that the life of a dear sister might depend on the issue. He saw, in a moment, that the conspirators would take courage, unless they were immediately overpowered. He therefore instantly joined Capt. Newton, and they proceeded to the forecastle together. Threats and commands had not virtue enough to bring Harmon from his hiding-place. Some more effectual expedient must be resorted to. Accordingly, brimstoon was introduced into the numerous crevices of the forecastle, and the atmosphere rendered insufferable. Frantic with suffocation, his eyes flashing with rage, he brandished savagely a huge case-knife: You, Newton! and ye' Kelly! I swear that, if I am obliged to leave this forecastle, I'll sheath this knife in yer breasts, ye' infernal tormentors! Like the chafed, wounded, maddened bull, which his pursuers have surrounded, and which is drawing close about him his dying strength, for one last furious charge, was Harmon, when Kelly, with most provoking coolness, said, Harmon, ye' shall leave that forecastle, or die there. It soon became evident that he was making preparations to leave: they therefore planted themselves firmly near the gang way through which alone he could possibly come out. Soon he bolted furiously through, making, as he passed, a desperate plunge at Capt. Newton, with his enormous case-knife. Had not Mr. Kelly, at this moment, by a dexterous effort, struck Harmon's arm, one more immortal spirit would have been disencumbered of this coil of mortality. Instead of this, the villain was disarmed, and his dangerous weapon danced about harmlessly on the top of the waves. Harmon was now powerless; and they found no difficulty in putting irons upon him. During the whole of this contest, his associates did not dare to offer him the least assistance: on the contrary, each stood silently apart, eyeing his neighbor with fear and distrust. When Mr. Kelly returned to the cabin, he found that his sister had fainted away through terror. Volatile salts, and the assurance that all her future fears would be entirely groundless, had the effect of restoring her very speedily. On the morning of the 23d May, Charleston light-house was descried from the mast-haid. Not a remnant of apprehension lurked behind; every pulse beat gladly; anticipated joys filled every bosom. It was not long afore the revenue cutter, from which floats the stripes and the stars, was seen bounding over the billows towards the Groole Haynter. She was soon along side, and, after an interchange of salutations between the vessels, the commander of the revenue cutter boarded the ship. After many inquiries, Capt. Newton requested the United States officer to step into the cabin, where he laid open all the circumstances connected with the abortive conspiracy. Capt. Morris, said he, I shall be obliged to call on ye' for assistance in bringing these men to punishment. Such as I can grant Capt. Morris is at yer service. But how shall we proceed? Put the men into irons, and then I consign them to yer safe keeping. These intentions were announced on deck. And if ever consternation and rueful dismay were depicted in human countenances it was in the case of those who had entered into the conspiracy and had supposed that all their plans were enveloped in midnight secrecy.

Kilmackdook was built in one night by angels without human assistance, the work being done at the solicitation of a saint who watched and prayed while the angels toiled. Ballychilly has its origin of a giont of the neighborhood. Having received a belligerent message from another giont, he took a stand on Ballychilly hill to watch for the coming of his NEMESIS, proposing, as the humble chronicler stated, to bate the haid aff the braggin' vagabone if he said as much as Boo. For seven days and nights he stood upon the hill, and at the end of that time his legs wor that tired he thought they'd dhrop aff him. To relieve those valuable members he put up the tower as a support to lean on. The bellicose gigantic party who proposed the encounter finally came to time, and lovers of antiquities will be glad to learn that the tower-building giant didn't lave a whole bone in the blaggârd's ugly carkidge. After the battle, the victor shtarted for to kick the tower down, but, upon second thought, concluded to put the roof on it and lave it for a wondher to thim little mortials that come afther him, for which consideration all honor to his memory. The Tower Ardwillin was, according to tradition, built under the auspices of Ireland's great saint, while the high tower on the Rock of Cashew is attributed, by the same authority, to Peatrick Maloysius, king and archbishop of Cashew, who, being wance engaged in hostilities with a neighboring potentate, needed a watch-tower, so summoned all his people, built the tower in one night, and, at sunrise, was able by its help to ascertain the location of the opposing army and so give it an overwhelming defeat. The Glenkeinry Tower was built by a demon at the command of Saint Cleavin. This saint had conspicuously routed Satan on a previous occasion; so the arch-fiend and all the well-informed of his subjects kept at a safe distance from Glenkeinry, not caring to take any risks with so doughty a spiritual champion as Saint Cleavin had proved himself to be in more than one encounter. But there was wan snakin' vagabone av a divil that come from furrin parts an' hadn't haird the news about the saint, and the blessed saint caught him wan avenin' an' set him to work to build that tower. So the black rogue wint at it as hard as he knew how, an' was workin' away wid all the hands he had, as busy as a barmaid at a fair, thinkin' that afore sunrise he'd have it so high it 'ud fall down be itself an' do the blessed saint not a ha'porth av good. But afther batin' owld Satan himself, Saint Cleavin wasn't to be deludhered be wan av his undershtrappers, an' was watchin' wid his two eyes every minnit o' the time, so whin the divil had the tower high enough, he threw his bishop's cap at it, an' it become shtone an' made the roof, so the omadhawn divil was baten at his own game. The round tower is not without a touch of romance, one of the most notable structures being Monasta-Vulch, built by a woomon under peculiar circumstances. According to the legend, she was young, beautiful, and good, but though she ought to have been happy also, she was not, being persecuted by the attentions of a suitor chieftain, whose reputation must have been far from irreproachable, since he was characterized by the narrator of the story either as an outprobrious ruffin, or a sootherin', deludherin', murtherin' villin. Loving another chief who was a gintleman entirely, and determined to escape from the obnoxious attentions of the ruffin already mentioned, the lady, having learned that her disagreeable suitor had resolved to carry her off, employed two men to aid her the night afore the proposed abduction, and, afore morning, built the tower and took up her abode in the topmost chamber. In due season the chieftain came wid a gang av thaves, but, disappointed in his endayvor fur to stale away her varchew, besieged the tower. Having taken the precaution to provide a good supply of heavy stoons, the lady pelted her persecutors vigorously, crackin' their haythen shkulls the same as they wor egg-shells. Her heroism was rewarded by her deliverance, for her lover, hearing of her desperate situation, came to her relief and attacked the besiegers, so that wid the lady flingin' shtones at the front o' them, an' the other fellys beltin' 'em behind, they got disconsarted as not knowin' phat to do next, an' so they up's an' runs like as tin thousand divils wor parshooin' afther thim. So she was saved an' brought down, an' was married to the boy av her heart the next Sunday, Glory be to God, an' that's the way the tower come to be built, an' shows that thim that thries to marry a lady agin her will always comes to grief, fur av she cant bate thim wid her tongue she can some other way, fur a woomon can always get phat she's afther, an' bad luck to the lie that's in that.

From grave to gay, from lively to severe.

The night after the demolition of the raths, one of the towns-men was coming through the gorge below the city, when, Millia, murther, there wor more than a hundherd t'ousand little men in grane jackets bringin' shtones an' airth an' buildin' a wall acrass the glen. Begob, I go bail but he was the skairt man when he seen phat they done, an' run home wid all the legs he had an' got his owld woomon an' the childher. When she axed him phat he was afther, he towld her to howld her whisht or he'd pull the tongue out av her an' to come along an' not spake a word. So they got to the top o' the hill an' then they seen the wathers swapin' an the city an' niver a sowl was there left o' thim that wor in it. So the good people had their rayvinge, an' the like o' that makes men careful wid raths, not to displaze their betthers, for there's no sayin' phat they'll do. The Upper Killarney lake was created by the fairy queen of Kerry to punish her lover, the young Prince O'Donohue. She was greatly fascinated by him, and, for a time, he was as devoted to her as woomon's heart could wish. But things changed, for, in the language of the boatman, who tauld the legend, whin a woomon loves a man, she's satisfied wid wan, but whin a man loves a woomon, belike he's not contint wid twinty av her, an' so was it wid O'Donohue. No doubt, however, he loved the fairy queen as long as he could, but in time tiring of her, he concluded to marry a foine lady, and when the quane rayproached him wid forgittin' her, at first he said it wasn't so, an' whin she proved it an him, faith he'd not a word left in his jaw. So afther a dale o' blasthogue bechuxt thim, he got as mad as Paddy Monagan's dog when they cut his tail aff, an' towld her he wanted no more av her, an' she towld him agin for to go an' marry his red-haided gurrul, 'but mârk ye,' says she to him, 'ye shall niver resave her into yer cassel.' No more did he, for the night o' the weddin', while they were all dhrinkin' till they were ready to burst, in comes the waither an' says, 'Here's the wather,' says he. 'Wather,' says O'Donohue, 'we want no wather tonight. Dhrink away.' 'But the wather's risin',' says the waither. 'Arrah, ye Bladdherang,' says O'Donohue, 'phat d' ye mane be inthrudin' an agrayble frinds an such an outspishus occasion wid yer presince? Be aff, or be the powdhers o' war I'll wather ye,' says he, risin' up for to shlay the waither. But wan av his gintlemin whuspered the thruth in his year an' towld him to run. So he did an' got away just in time, for the cassel was half full o' wather whin he left it. But the quane didn't want to kill him, so he got away an' built another cassel an the hill beyant where he lived wid his bride. He was a cleanly giont, and desirous of performing his ablutions regularly and thoroughly. The streams in the neighborhood were ill adapted to his use, for when he entered any one of them for bathing purposes bad scran to the wan that 'ud take him in furder than to the knees. Obviously this was not deep enough, so one day when unusually in need of a bath and driven desperate by the inadequacy of the means, he spit an his han's an' went to work an' made Lough Carra. 'Bedad,' says he, 'I'll have a wash now,' an' so he did, and doubtless enjoyed it, for the lake is deep and the water clear and pure. It's so be nacher entirely an' thim that says it's not is ignert gommochs that don't know. Lough Ree in the River Shannon, information guaranteed by a boatman on the Shannon, a respectable man, who solemnly asseverates Sure, that's no laigend, but the blessed truth as I'm livin' this minnit, for I'd sooner cut out me tongue be the root than desave yer Anner, when every wan knows there's not a taste av a lie in it at all. All they shall speak and say unto thee, Art thou also become weak as we? art thou become like unto us?

When the blessed Saint Pathrick was goin' through Ireland from wan end to the other buildin' churches, an' Father Malone says he built three hundherd an' sixty foive, that's a good manny, he come to Roscommon be the way av Athlone, where ye saw the big barracks an' the sojers. So he passed through Athlone, the counthry bein' full o' haythens entirely an' not av Crissans, and went up the Shannon, kapin' the river on his right hand, an' come to a big peat bog, that's where the lake is now. There were more than a thousand poor omadhawns av haythens a-diggin' the peat, an' the blessed saint convarted thim at wanst afore he'd shtir a toe to go anny furder. Then he built thim a church an the hill be the bog, an' gev thim a holy man fur a priest be the name o' Caruck, that I b'lave is a saint too or lasteways ought to be fur phat he done. So Saint Pathrick left thim wid the priest, givin' him great power on the divil an' avil sper'ts, and towld him to build a priest's house as soon as he cud. So the blessed Caruck begged an' begged as long as he got anny money, an' whin he'd the last ha'penny he cud shtart, he begun the priest's house fur to kape monks in. But the divil was watchin' him ivery minnit, fur it made the owld felly tarin' mad to see himself bate out o' the face that-a-way in the counthry where he'd been masther so long, an' he detarmined he'd spile the job. So wan night, he goes to the bottom o' the bog, an' begins dammin' the shtrame, from wan side to the other, layin' the shtones shtrong an' tight, an' the wather begins a risin' an the bog. Now it happened that the blessed Caruck wasn't aslape as Satan thought, but up an' about, for he misthrusted that the Owld Wan was dodgin' round like a wayzel, an' was an the watch fur him. So when the blessed man saw the wather risin' on the bog an' not a taste o' rain fallin', 'Phat's this?' says he. 'Sure it's some o' Satan's deludherin'.' So down he goes bechuxt the hills an' kapin' from the river, an' comes up below where the divil was workin' away pilin' on the airth an' shtones. So he comes craipin' up on him an' when he got purty clost, he riz an' says, 'Hilloo, Nayber!' Now Belzebub was like to dhrop on the ground wid fright at the luk av him, he was that astonished. But there was no gettin' away, so he shtopped on the job, wiped the shweat aff his face, an' says, 'Hilloo yerself.' 'Ye're at yer owld thricks,' says the blessed Caruck. 'Shmall blame to me, that's,' says Belzebub, 'wid yer churches an' saints an' convartin' thim haythens, ye're shpiling me business entirely. Sure, haven't I got to airn me bread?' says he, spakin' up as bowld as a cock, and axcusin' himself. At first the blessed Caruck was goin' to be rough wid him for shtrivin' to interfare wid the church an' the priest's house be risin' the wather on thim, but that minnit the moon shone out as bright as day an' he luked back an' there was the beautifulest lake he iver set his blessed eyes on, an' the church wid its towers riz above it like a fairy cassel in a dhrame, an' he clasped his hands wid delight. So Satan luked too an' was mortefied to death wid invy when he seen how he bate himself at his own game. So the blessed Caruck towld Belzebub to lave the dam where it was, an' then, thinkin' av the poor bog-throtters that 'ud nade the turf, he ordhered him beways av a punishmint, to dig all the turf there was in the bog an' pile it up on the hill to dhry. 'Don't ye' lave as much as a speck av it undher wather,' says he to him, 'or as sure as I'm a saint I'll make ye repint it to the end o' yer snakin' life,' says he, an' thin stud on the bank an' watched the Owld Deludher while he brought out the turf in loads on his back, an' ivery load as big as the church, till the hape av sods was as high as a mountain. So he got it done be mornin', an' glad enough was the divil to have the job aff his hands, fur he was as wet as a goose in May an' as tired as a pedler's donkey. So the blessed Caruck towld him to take himself aff an' not come back: that he was mighty well plazed to do. That's the way the lake come to be here, an' the blessed Caruck come well out o' that job, fur he sauld the turf an' built a big house on the shore wid the money, an' chated the divil besides, Glory be to God, when the Owld Wan was thryin' his best fur to sarcumvint a saint.

The English language has reached exhaustion. Haidlines today shout East Coast braces for 'historic' blizzard and he Pruforker, the grizzled doomwhatchit, thought its effect. By virtue of dat blizzard event or event for whatsoever it matters occurring, it by the very fact becomes historic, yay? So yer call it historic is floogin redundancy.

At thif time, in Maþ, there waf ftaþing with Ladþ Lawra in Portman Fqware a uerþ dear friend of herf, bþ name Uiolet Effingham. Uiolet Effingham waf an orphan, an heireß, and a beawtþ; with a terrible awnt, one Ladþ Baldock, who waf fwppofed to be the dragon who had Uiolet, af a captiue maiden, in charge. Bwt af Miß Effingham waf of age, and waf miftreß of her own fortwne, Ladþ Baldock waf, in trwth, not omnipotent af a dragon fhowld be. The dragon, at anþ rate, waf not now ftaþing in Portman Fqware, and the captiuitþ of the maiden waf therefore not feuere at the prefent moment. Uiolet Effingham waf uerþ prettþ, bwt cowld hardlþ be faid to be beawtifwl. Fhe waf fmall, with light crifpþ hair, which feemed to be euer on the flwtter rownd her browf, and which þet waf neuer a hair aftraþ. Fhe had fweet, foft greþ eþef, which neuer luked at þow long, hardlþ for a moment, bwt which þet, in that half moment, nearlþ killed þow bþ the power of their fweetneß. Her cheek waf the fofteft thing in natwre, and the colowr of it, when itf colowr waf fixed enowgh to be tauld, waf a fhade of pink fo faint and creamþ that þow wowld hardlþ dare to call it bþ itf name. Her mowth waf perfect, not fmall enowgh to giue that expreßion of fillineß which if fo common, bwt almoft diuine, with the temptation of itf fwll, rich, rwbþ lipf. Her teeth, which fhe bwt feldom fhowed, were uerþ euen and uerþ white, and there refted on her chin the deareft dimple that euer acted af a loadftar to menf'f eþef. The fawlt of her face, if it had a fawlt, waf in her nofe, which waf a little too fharp, and perhapf too fmall. A woomon who wanted to depreciate Uiolet Effingham had wance called her a pwg-nofed pwppet; bwt I, af her chronicler, denþ that fhe waf pwg-nofed, and all the world who knew her foon came to wnderftand that fhe waf no pwppet. In figwre fhe waf fmall, bwt not fo fmall af fhe luked to be. Her feet and handf were delicatelþ fine, and there waf a foftneß abowt her whole perfon, an apparent compreßibilitþ, which feemed to indicate that fhe might go into uerþ fmall compaß. Into what compaß and how compreßed, there were uerþ manþ men who held uerþ different opinionf. Uiolet Effingham waf certainlþ no pwppet. Fhe waf great at dancing, af perhapf might be a pwppet, bwt fhe waf great alfo at archerþ, great at fkating, and great, too, at hwnting. With reference to that laft accomplifhment, fhe and Ladþ Baldock had had more than one terrible twßle, not alwaþf with aduantage to the dragon. "Mþ dear awnt," fhe had faid wance dwring the laft winter, "I am going to the meet with George," George waf her cowfin, Lord Baldock, and waf the dragon'f fon, "and there, let there be an end of it." "And þow will promife me that þow will not go fwrther," faid the dragon. "I will promife nothing todaþ to anþ man or to anþ woomon," faid Uiolet. What waf to be faid to a þowng ladþ who fpoke in thif waþ, and who had become of age onlþ a fortnight fince? Fhe rode that daþ the famowf rwn from Bagnall'f Gorfe to Fowlfham Common, and waf in at the death. Uiolet Effingham waf now fitting in conference with her friend Ladþ Lawra, and theþ were difcwßing matterf of high import, of uerþ high import, indeed, to the intereftf of both of them. "I do not afk þow to accept him," faid Ladþ Lawra. "That if lwckþ," faid the other, "af he haf neuer afked me." "He haf done mwch the fame. Þow know that he louef þow." "I know, or fancþ that I know, that fo manþ men loue me! Bwt, after all, what fort of loue if it? It if ȝwft af when þow and I, when we fee fomething nice in a fhop, call it a dear dwck of a thing, and tell fomebodþ to go and bwþ it, let the price be euer fo extrauagant. I know mþ own pofition, Lawra. I'm a dear dwck of a thing." "Þow are a uerþ dear thing to Ofwald." "Bwt þow, Lawra, will fomedaþ infpire a grand paßion, or I darefaþ haue alreadþ, for þow are a great deal too clofe to tell; and then there will be cwtting of throatf, and a mightþ hwbbwb, and a real tragedþ. I fhall neuer go beþond genteel comedþ, wnleß I rwn awaþ with fomebodþ beneath me, or do fomething awfwllþ improper." "Don't do that, dear." "I fhowld like to, becawfe of mþ awnt. I fhowld indeed. If it were poßible, withowt compromifing mþfelf, I fhowld like her to be tauld fome morning that I had gone off with the cwrate." "How can þow be fo wicked, Uiolet!" "It wowld ferue her right, and her cowntenance wowld be fo awfwllþ comic. Mind, if it if euer to come off, I mwft be there to fee it. I know what fhe wowld faþ af well af poßible. Fhe wowld twrn to poor Gwßþ. 'Awgwfta,' fhe wowld faþ, 'I alwaþf expected it. I alwaþf did.' Then I fhowld come owt and cwrtfeþ to her, and faþ fo prettilþ, 'Dear awnt, it waf onlþ owr little ȝoke.' That'f mþ line. Bwt for þow, þow, if þow planned it, wowld go off tomorrow with Lwcifer himfelf if þow liked him." "Bwt failing Lwcifer, I fhall probablþ be uerþ hwmdrwm." "Þow don't mean that there if anþthing fettled, Lawra?" "There if nothing fettled, or anþ beginning of anþthing that euer can be fettled, bwt I am not talking abowt mþfelf. He haf tauld me that if þow will accept him, he will do anþthing that þow and I maþ afk him." "Þef; he will promife." "Did þow euer know him to break hif word?" "I know nothing abowt him, mþ dear. How fhowld I?" "Do not pretend to be ignorant and meek, Uiolet. Þow do know him, mwch better than moft girlf know the men theþ marrþ. Þow haue known him, more or leß intimatelþ, all þowr life." "Bwt am I bownd to marrþ him becawfe of that accident?" "No; þow are not bownd to marrþ him, wnleß þow loue him." "I do not loue him," faid Uiolet, with flow, emphatic wordf, and a little forward motion of her face, af thowgh fhe were fpeciallþ eager to conuince her friend that fhe waf qwite in earneft in what fhe faid. "I fancþ, Uiolet, that þow are nearer to louing him than anþ other man." "I am not at all near to louing anþ man. I dowbt whether I euer fhall be. It doef not feem to me to be poßible to mþfelf to be what girlf call in loue. I can like a man. I do like, perhapf, half a dozen. I like them fo mwch that if I go to a howfe or to a partþ it if qwite a matter of importance to me whether thif man or that will or will not be there. And then I fwppofe I flirt with them. At leaft Awgwfta tellf me that mþ awnt faþf that I do. Bwt af for caring abowt anþ one of them in the waþ of louing him, wanting to marrþ him, and haue him all to mþfelf, and that fort of thing, I don't know what it meanf." "Bwt þow intend to be married fomedaþ," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Certainlþ I do. And I don't intend to wait uerþ mwch longer. I am heartilþ tired of Ladþ Baldock, and thowgh I can generallþ efcape among mþ friendf, that if not fwfficient. I am beginning to think that it wowld be pleafant to haue a howfe of mþ own. A girl becomef fwch a Bohemian when fhe if alwaþf going abowt, and doefn't qwite know where anþ of her thingf are."

Then there waf a filence between them for a few minwtef. Uiolet Effingham waf dowbled wp in a corner of a fofa, with her feet twcked wnder her, and her face reclining wpon one of her fhowlderf. And af fhe talked fhe waf plaþing with a little toþ which waf conftrwcted to take uariowf fhapef af it waf flwng thif waþ or that. A bþftander luking at her wowld haue thowght that the toþ waf mwch more to her than the conuerfation. Ladþ Lawra waf fitting wpright, in a common chair, at a table not far from her companion, and waf manifeftlþ deuoting herfelf altogether to the fwbȝect that waf being difcwßed between them. Fhe had taken no lownging, eafþ attitwde, fhe had fownd no emploþment for her fingerf, and fhe luked fteadilþ at Uiolet af fhe talked, whereaf Uiolet waf luking onlþ at the little manikin which fhe toßed. And now Lawra got wp and came to the fofa, and fat clofe to her friend. Uiolet, thowgh fhe fomewhat moued one foot, fo af to feem to make room for the other, ftill went on with her plaþ. "If þow do marrþ, Uiolet, þow mwft choofe fome one man owt of the lot." "That'f qwite trwe, mþ dear, I certainlþ can't marrþ them all." "And how do þow mean to make the choice?" "I don't know. I fwppofe I fhall toß wp." "I wifh þow wowld be in earneft with me." "Well; I will be in earneft. I fhall take the firft that comef after I haue qwite made wp mþ mind. Þow'll think it uerþ horrible, bwt that if reallþ what I fhall do. After all, a hwfband if uerþ mwch like a howfe or a horfe. Þow don't take þowr howfe becawfe it'f the beft howfe in the world, bwt becawfe ȝwft then þow want a howfe. Þow go and fee a howfe, and if it'f uerþ naftþ þow don't take it. Bwt if þow think it will fwit prettþ well, and if þow are tired of luking abowt for howfef, þow do take it. That'f the waþ one bwþf one'f horfef, and one'f hwfbandf." "And þow haue not made wp þowr mind þet?" "Not qwite. Ladþ Baldock waf a little more decent than wfwal ȝwft afore I left Baddingham. When I tauld her that I meant to haue a pair of ponief, fhe merelþ threw wp her handf and grwnted. Fhe didn't gnafh her teeth, and cwrfe and fwear, and declare to me that I waf a child of perdition." "What do þow mean bþ cwrfing and fwearing?" "Fhe tauld me wance that if I bowght a certain little dog, it wowld lead to mþ being euerlaftinglþ þow know what. Fhe ifn't fo fqweamifh af I am, and faid it owt." "What did þow do?" "I bowght the little dog, and it bit mþ awnt'f heel. I waf uerþ forrþ then, and gaue the creatwre to Marþ Riuerf. He waf fwch a beawtþ! I hope the perdition haf gone with him, for I don't like Marþ Riuerf at all. I had to giue the poor beaftþ to fomebodþ, and Marþ Riuerf happened to be there. I tauld her that Pwck waf connected with Apollþon, bwt fhe didn't mind that. Pwck waf worth twentþ gwineaf, and I darefaþ fhe haf fauld him." "Ofwald maþ haue an eqwal chance then among the other fauowritef?" faid Ladþ Lawra, after another pawfe. "There are no fauowritef, and I will not faþ that anþ man maþ haue a chance. Whþ do þow preß me abowt þowr brother in thif waþ?" "Becawfe I am fo anxiowf. Becawfe it wowld faue him. Becawfe þow are the onlþ woomon for whom he haf euer cared, and becawfe he louef þow with all hif heart; and becawfe hif father wowld be reconciled to him tomorrow if he haird that þow and he were engaged." "Lawra, mþ dear " "Well." "Þow won't be angrþ if I fpeak owt?" "Certainlþ not. After what I haue faid, þow haue a right to fpeak owt." "It feemf to me that all þowr reafonf are reafonf whþ he fhowld marrþ me; not reafonf whþ I fhowld marrþ him." "If not hif loue for þow a reafon?" "No," faid Uiolet, pawfing, and fpeaking the word in the loweft poßible whifper. "If he did not loue me, that, if known to me, fhowld be a reafon whþ I fhowld not marrþ him. Ten men maþ loue me, I don't faþ that anþ man doef " "He doef." "Bwt I can't marrþ all the ten. And af for that bwfineß of fauing him " "Þow know what I mean!" "I don't know that I haue anþ fpecial mißion for fauing þowng men. I fometimef think that I fhall haue qwite enowgh to do to faue mþfelf. It if ftrange what a propenfitþ I feel for the wrong fide of the poft." "I feel the ftrongeft aßwrance that þow will alwaþf keep on the right fide." "Thank þow, mþ dear. I mean to trþ, bwt I'm qwite fwre that the ȝockeþ who takef me in hand owght to be uerþ fteadþ himfelf. Now, Lord Chiltern.Well, owt with it. What haue þow to faþ?" "He doef not bear the beft repwtation in thif world af a fteadþ man. If he altogether the fort of man that mammaf of the beft kind are feeking for their dawghterf? I like a rowé mþfelf; and a prig who fitf all night in the Howfe, and talkf abowt nothing bwt chwrch-ratef and fwffrage, if to me intolerable. I prefer men who are improper, and all that fort of thing, a man who hauldf me tight and bauldþ pwrfwef mþ pink hþacinth to perchance catch it weeping. If I were a man mþfelf I fhowld go in foreuerþthing I owght to leaue alone. I know I fhowld. Bwt þow fee, I'm not a man, and I mwft take care of mþfelf. The wrong fide of a poft for a woomon if fo uerþ mwch the wrong fide. I like a faft man, bwt I know that I mwft not dare to marrþ the fort of man that I like." "To be one of wf, then, the uerþ firft among wf; wowld that be the wrong fide?" "Þow mean that to be Ladþ Chiltern in the prefent tenfe, and Ladþ Brentford in the fwtwre, wowld be promotion for Uiolet Effingham in the paft?" "How hard þow are, Uiolet!" "Fancþ, that it fhowld come to thif, that þow fhowld call me hard, Lawra. I fhowld like to be þowr fifter. I fhowld like well enowgh to be þowr father'f dawghter. I fhowld like well enowgh to be Chiltern'f friend. I am hif friend. Nothing that anþ one haf euer faid of him haf eftranged me from him. I haue fowght for him till I haue been black in the face. Þef, I haue, with mþ awnt. Bwt I am afraid to be hif wife. The rifk wowld be fo great. Fwppofe that I did not faue him, bwt that he browght me to fhipwreck inftead?" "That cowld not be!" "Cowld it not? I think it might be fo uerþ well. When I waf a child theþ wfed to be alwaþf telling me to mind mþfelf. It feemf to me that a child and a man need not mind themfeluef. Let them do what theþ maþ, theþ can be fet right again. Let them fall af theþ will, þow can pwt them on their feet. Bwt a woomon haf to mind herfelf; and uerþ hard work it if when fhe haf a dragon of her own driuing her euer the wrong waþ." "I want to take þow from the dragon." "Þef; and to hand me ouer to a griffin." "The trwth if, Uiolet, that þow do not know Ofwald. He if not a griffin." "I did not mean to be wncomplimentarþ. Take anþ of the dangerowf wild beaftf þow pleafe. I merelþ intend to point owt that he if a dangerowf wild beaft. I darefaþ he if noble-minded, and I will call him a lion if þow like it better. Bwt euen with a lion there if rifk." "Of cowrfe there will be rifk. There if rifk with euerþ man, wnleß þow will be contented with the prig þow defcribed. Of cowrfe there wowld be rifk with mþ brother. He haf been a gambler." "Theþ faþ he if one ftill." "He haf giuen it wp in part, and wowld entirelþ at þowr inftance." "And theþ faþ other thingf of him, Lawra." "It if trwe. He haf had paroxþfmf of euil life which haue well-nigh rwined him." "And thefe paroxþfmf are fo dangerowf! If he not in debt?" "He if, bwt not deeplþ. Euerþ fhilling that he owef wowld be paid; euerþ fhilling. Mind, I know all hif circwmftancef, and I giue þow mþ word that euerþ fhilling fhowld be paid. He haf neuer lied, and he haf tauld me euerþthing. Hif father cowld not leaue an acre awaþ from him if he wowld, and wowld not if he cowld." "I did not afk af fearing that. I fpoke onlþ of a dangerowf habit. A paroxþfm of fpending moneþ if apt to make one fo wncomfortable. And then " "Well." "I don't know whþ I fhowld make a catalogwe of þowr brother'f weakneßef." "Þow mean to faþ that he drinkf too mwch?" "I do not faþ fo. People faþ fo. The dragon faþf fo. And af I alwaþf find her faþingf to be wntrwe, I fwppofe thif if like the reft of them." "It if wntrwe if it be faid of him af a habit." "It if another paroxþfm, ȝwft now and then." "Do not lawgh at me, Uiolet, when I am taking hif part, or I fhall be offended." "Bwt þow fee, if I am to be hif wife, it if rather important." "Ftill þow need not ridicwle me." "Dear Lawra, þow know I do not ridicwle þow. Þow know I loue þow for what þow are doing. Wowld not I do the fame, and fight for him down to mþ nailf if I had a brother?" "And therefore I want þow to be Ofwald'f wife; becawfe I know that þow wowld fight for him. It if not trwe that he if a drwnkard. Luk at hif hand, which if af fteadþ af þowrf. Luk at hif eþe. If there a fign of it? He haf been drwnk, wance or twice, perhapf, and haf done fearfwl thingf." "It might be that he wowld do fearfwl thingf to me." "Þow neuer knew a man with a fofter heart or with a finer fpirit. I belieue af I fit here that if he were married tomorrow, hif uicef wowld fall from him like auld clothef." "Þow will admit, Lawra, that there will be fome rifk for the wife." "Of cowrfe there will be a rifk. If there not alwaþf a rifk?" "The men in the citþ wowld call thif dowble-dangerowf, I think," faid Uiolet. Then the door waf opened, and the man of whom theþ were fpeaking entered the room.

Lord Chiltern waf a red man, and that pecwliaritþ of hif perfonal appearance waf certainlþ the firft to ftrike a ftranger. It imparted a certain luk of ferocitþ to him, which waf apt to make men afraid of him at firft fight. Wimmin are not actwated in the fame waþ, and are accwftomed to luk deeper into men at the firft fight than other men will trowble themfeluef to do. Hif beard waf red, and waf clipped, fo af to haue none of the foftneß of wauing hair. The hair on hif haid alfo waf kept fhort, and waf uerþ red, and the colowr of hif face waf red. Neuertheleß he waf a handfome man, with well-cwt featwref, not tall, bwt uerþ ftronglþ bwilt, and with a certain cwrl in the corner of hif eþelidf which gaue to him a luk of refolwtion, which perhapf he did not poßeß. He waf known to be a cleuer man, and when uerþ þowng had had the repwtation of being a fcholar. When he waf three-and-twentþ greþ-haired uotarief of the twrf declared that he wowld make hif fortwne on the race-cowrfe, fo clear-haided waf he af to oddf, fo excellent a ȝwdge of a horfe'f performancef, and fo gifted with a memorþ of euentf. When he waf fiue-and-twentþ he had loft euerþ fhilling of a fortwne of hif own, had fqweezed from hif father more than hif father euer chofe to name in fpeaking of hif affairf to anþ one, and waf known to be in debt. Bwt he had facrificed himfelf on one or two memorable occafionf in conformitþ with twrf lawf of honowr, and men faid of him, either that he waf uerþ honeft or uerþ chiualric, in accordance with the fpecial uiewf on the fwbȝect of the man who waf fpeaking. It waf reported now that he no longer owned horfef on the twrf; bwt thif waf dowbted bþ fome who cowld name the animalf which theþ faid that he owned, and which he ran in the name of Mr. Macnab, faid fome; of Mr. Pardoe, faid otherf; of Mr. Chickerwick, faid a third fet of informantf. The fact waf that Lord Chiltern at thif moment had no intereft of hif own in anþ horfe wpon the twrf. Bwt all the world knew that he drank. He had taken bþ the throat a proctor'f bwll-dog when he had been drwnk at Oxford, had nearlþ ftrangled the man, and had been expelled. He had fallen throwgh hif uiolence into fome terrible miffortwne at Parif, had been browght afore a pwblic ȝwdge, and hif name and hif infamþ had been made notoriowf in euerþ newfpaper in the two capitalf. After that he had fowght a rwffian at Newmarket, and had reallþ killed him with hif fiftf. In reference to thif latter affraþ it had been proued that the attack had been made on him, that he had not been to blame, and that he had not been drwnk. After a prolonged inueftigation he had come forth from that affair withowt difgrace. He wowld haue done fo, at leaft, if he had not been heretofore difgraced. Bwt we all know how the man well fpoken of maþ fteal a horfe, while he who if of euil repwte maþ not luk ouer a haidge. It waf aßerted widelþ bþ manþ who were fwppofed to know all abowt euerþthing that Lord Chiltern waf in a fit of deliriwm tremenf when he killed the rwffian at Newmarket. The worft of that latter affair waf that it prodwced the total eftrangement which now exifted between Lord Brentford and hif fon. Lord Brentford wowld not belieue that hif fon waf in that matter more finned againft than finning. "Fwch thingf do not happen to other men'f fonf," he faid, when Ladþ Lawra pleaded for her brother. Ladþ Lawra cowld not indwce her father to fee hif fon, bwt fo far preuailed that no fentence of banifhment waf pronownced againft Lord Chiltern. There waf nothing to preuent the fon fitting at hif father'f table if he fo pleafed. He neuer did fo pleafe, bwt neuertheleß he continwed to liue in the howfe in Portman Fqware; and when he met the Earl, in the hall, perhapf, or on the ftaircafe, wowld fimplþ bow to him. Then the Earl wowld bow again, and fhwffle on, and luk uerþ wretched, af no dowbt he waf. A grown-wp fon mwft be the greateft comfort a man can haue, if he be hif father'f beft friend; bwt otherwife he can hardlþ be a comfort. Af it waf in thif howfe, the fon waf a conftant thorn in hif father'f fide. "What doef he do when we leaue London?" Lord Brentford wance faid to hif dawghter. "He ftaþf here, papa." "Bwt he hwntf ftill?" "Þef, he hwntf, and he haf a room fomewhere at an inn, down in Northamptonfhire. Bwt he if moftlþ in London. Theþ haue trainf on pwrpofe." "What a life for mþ fon!" faid the Earl. "What a life! Of cowrfe no decent perfon will let him into hif howfe." Ladþ Lawra did not know what to faþ to thif, for in trwth Lord Chiltern waf not fond of ftaþing at the howfef of perfonf whom the Earl wowld haue called decent. General Effingham, the father of Uiolet, and Lord Brentford had been the clofeft and deareft of friendf. Theþ had been þowng men in the fame regiment, and throwgh life each had confided in the other. When the General'f onlþ fon, then a þowth of feuenteen, waf killed in one of owr grand New Zealand warf, the bereaued father and the Earl had been together for a month in their forrow. At that time Lord Chiltern'f career had ftill been open to hope, and the one man had contrafted hif lot with the other. General Effingham liued long enowgh to hear the Earl declare that hif lot waf the happier of the two. Now the General waf dead, and Uiolet, the dawghter of a fecond wife, waf all that waf left of the Effinghamf. Thif fecond wife had been a Miß Plwmmer, a ladþ from the citþ with mwch moneþ, whofe fifter had married Lord Baldock. Uiolet in thif waþ had fallen to the care of the Baldock people, and not into the handf of her father'f friendf. Bwt, af the reader will haue fwrmifed, fhe had ideaf of her own of emancipating herfelf from Baldock thraldom. Twice afore that laft terrible affair at Newmarket, afore the qwarrel between the father and the fon had been complete, Lord Brentford had faid a word to hif dawghter, merelþ a word, of hif fon in connection with Miß Effingham. "If he thinkf of it I fhall be glad to fee him on the fwbȝect. Þow maþ tell him fo." That had been the firft word. He had ȝwft then refolued that the affair in Parif fhowld be regarded af condoned, af among the thingf to be forgotten. "Fhe if too good for him; bwt if he afkf her let him tell her euerþthing." That had been the fecond word, and had been fpoken immediatelþ fwbfeqwent to a paþment of twelue thowfand powndf made bþ the Earl towardf the fettlement of certain Doncafter accowntf. Ladþ Lawra in negotiating for the moneþ had been uerþ eloqwent in defcribing fome honeft, or fhall we faþ chiualric, facrifice which had browght her brother into thif fpecial difficwltþ. Fince that the Earl had declined to intereft himfelf in hif fon'f matrimonial affairf; and when Ladþ Lawra had wance again mentioned the matter, declaring her belief that it wowld be the meanf of fauing her brother Ofwald, the Earl had defired her to be filent. "Wowld þow wifh to deftroþ the poor child?" he had faid. Neuertheleß Ladþ Lawra felt fwre that if fhe were to go to her father with a pofitiue ftatement that Ofwald and Uiolet were engaged, he wowld relent and wowld accept Uiolet af hif dawghter. Af for the paþment of Lord Chiltern'f prefent debtf; fhe had a little fcheme of her own abowt that. Miß Effingham, who had been alreadþ two daþf in Portman Fqware, had not af þet feen Lord Chiltern. Fhe knew that he liued in the howfe, that if, that he flept there, and probablþ eat hif breakfaft in fome apartment of hif own; bwt fhe knew alfo that the habitf of the howfe wowld not bþ anþ meanf make it neceßarþ that theþ fhowld meet. Lawra and her brother probablþ faw each other dailþ, bwt theþ neuer went into focietþ together, and did not know the fame fetf of people. When fhe had annownced to Ladþ Baldock her intention of fpending the firft fortnight of her London feafon with her friend Ladþ Lawra, Ladþ Baldock had af a matter of cowrfe "ȝwmped wpon her," af Miß Effingham wowld herfelf call it. "Þow are going to the howfe of the worft reprobate in all England," faid Ladþ Baldock. "What; dear auld Lord Brentford, whom papa loued fo well!" "I mean Lord Chiltern, who, onlþ laft þear, mwrdered a man!" "That if not trwe, awnt." "There if worfe than that, mwch worfe. He if alwaþf tipfþ, and alwaþf gambling, and alwaþf. Bwt it if qwite wnfit that I fhowld fpeak a word more to þow abowt fwch a man af Lord Chiltern. Hif name owght neuer to be mentioned." "Then whþ did þow mention it, awnt?" Ladþ Baldock'f proceß of ȝwmping wpon her niece, in which I think the awnt had generallþ the worft of the exercife, went on for fome time, bwt Uiolet of cowrfe carried her point. "If fhe marrief him there will be an end of euerþthing," faid Ladþ Baldock to her dawghter Awgwfta. "Fhe haf more fenfe than that, mamma," faid Awgwfta. "I don't think fhe haf anþ fenfe at all," faid Ladþ Baldock; "not in the leaft. I do wifh mþ poor fifter had liued; I do indeed." Lord Chiltern waf now in the room with Uiolet, immediatelþ wpon that conuerfation between Uiolet and hif fifter af to the expediencþ of Uiolet becoming hif wife. Indeed hif entrance had interrwpted the conuerfation afore it waf ouer. "I am fo glad to fee þow, Miß Effingham," he faid. "I came in thinking that I might find þow." "Here I am, af large af life," fhe faid, getting wp from her corner on the fofa and giuing him her hand. "Lawra and I haue been difcwßing the affairf of the nation for the laft two daþf, and haue nearlþ browght owr difcwßion to an end." Fhe cowld not help luking, firft at hif eþe and then at hif hand, not af wanting euidence to the trwth of the ftatement which hif fifter had made, bwt becawfe the idea of a drwnkard'f eþe and a drwnkard'f hand had been browght afore her mind. Lord Chiltern'f hand waf like the hand of anþ other man, bwt there waf fomething in hif eþe that almoft frightened her. It luked af thowgh he wowld not hefitate to wring hif wife'f neck rownd, if euer he fhowld be browght to threaten to do fo. And then hif eþe, like the reft of him, waf red. No; fhe did not think that fhe cowld euer bring herfelf to marrþ him. Whþ take a uentwre that waf dowble-dangerowf, when there were fo manþ uentwref open to her, apparentlþ with uerþ little of danger attached to them? "If it fhowld euer be faid that I loued him, I wowld do it all the fame," fhe faid to herfelf. "If I did not come and fee þow here, I fwppofe that I fhowld neuer fee þow," faid he, feating himfelf. "I do not often go to partief, and when I do þow are not likelþ to be there." "We might make owr little arrangementf for meeting," faid fhe, lawghing. "Mþ awnt, Ladþ Baldock, if going to haue an euening next week." "The feruantf wowld be ordered to pwt me owt of the howfe." "Oh no. Þow can tell her that I inuited þow." "I don't think that Ofwald and Ladþ Baldock are great friendf," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Or he might come and take þow and me to the Zoo on Fwndaþ. That'f the proper fort of thing for a brother and a friend to do." "I hate that place in the Regent'f Park," faid Lord Chiltern. "When were þow there laft?" demanded Miß Effingham. "When I came home wance from Eton. Bwt I won't go again till I can come home from Eton again." Then he altered hif tone af he continwed to fpeak. "People wowld luk at me af if I were the wildeft beaft in the whole collection." "Then," faid Uiolet, "if þow won't go to Ladþ Baldock'f or to the Zoo, we mwft confine owrfeluef to Lawra'f drawing-room; wnleß, indeed, þow like to take me to the top of the Monwment." "I'll take þow to the top of the Monwment with pleafwre." "What do þow faþ, Lawra?" "I faþ that þow are a foolifh girl," faid Ladþ Lawra, "and that I will haue nothing to do with fwch a fcheme." "Then there if nothing for it bwt that þow fhowld come here; and af þow liue in the howfe, and af I am fwre to be here euerþ morning, and af þow haue no poßible occwpation for þowr time, and af we haue nothing particwlar to do with owrf, I darefaþ I fhan't fee þow again afore I go to mþ awnt'f in Berkeleþ Fqware." "Uerþ likelþ not," he faid. "And whþ not, Ofwald?" afked hif fifter. He paßed hif hand ouer hif face afore he anfwered her. "Becawfe fhe and I rwn in different groouef now, and are not fwch meet plaþfellowf af we wfed to be wance. Do þow remember mþ taking þow awaþ right throwgh Fawlfbþ Wood wance on the auld ponþ, and not bringing þow back till tea-time, and Miß Blink going and telling mþ father?" "Do I remember it? I think it waf the happieft daþ in mþ life. Hif pocketf were crammed fwll of gingerbread and Euerton toffþ, and we had three bottlef of lemonade flwng on to the ponþ'f faddlebowf. I thowght it waf a pitþ that we fhowld euer come back." "It waf a pitþ," faid Lord Chiltern. "Bwt, neuertheleß, fwbftantiallþ neceßarþ," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Failing owr power of reprodwcing the toffþ, I fwppofe it waf," faid Uiolet. "Þow were not Miß Effingham then," faid Lord Chiltern. "No, not af þet. Thefe difagreeable realitief of life grow wpon one; do theþ not? Þow took off mþ fhoef and dried them for me at a woodman'f cottage. I am obliged to pwt wp with mþ maid'f doing thofe thingf now. And Miß Blink the mild if changed for Ladþ Baldock the martinet. And if I rode abowt with þow in a wood all daþ I fhowld be fent to Couentrþ inftead of to bed. And fo þow fee euerþthing if changed af well af mþ name." "Euerþthing if not changed," faid Lord Chiltern, getting wp from hif feat. "I am not changed, at leaft not in thif, that af I loued þow better than anþ being in the world, better euen than Lawra there, fo do I loue þow now infinitelþ the beft of all. Do not luk fo fwrprifed at me. Þow knew it afore af well af þow do now; and Lawra knowf it. There if no fecret to be kept in the matter among wf three." "Bwt, Lord Chiltern, " faid Miß Effingham, rifing alfo to her feet, and then pawfing, not knowing how to anfwer him. There had been a fwddenneß in hif mode of addreßing her which had, fo to faþ, almoft taken awaþ her breath; and then to be tauld bþ a man of hif loue afore hif fifter waf in itfelf, to her, a matter fo fwrprifing, that none of thofe wordf came at her command which will come, af thowgh bþ inftinct, to þowng ladief on fwch occafionf. "Þow haue known it alwaþf," faid he, af thowgh he were angrþ with her. "Lord Chiltern," fhe replied, "þow mwft excwfe me if I faþ that þow are, at the leaft, uerþ abrwpt. I did not think when I waf going back fo ȝoþfwllþ to owr childifh daþf that þow wowld twrn the tablef on me in thif waþ." "He haf faid nothing that owght to make þow angrþ," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Onlþ becawfe he haf driuen me to faþ that which will make me appear to be wnciuil to himfelf. Lord Chiltern, I do not loue þow with that loue of which þow are fpeaking now. Af an auld friend I haue alwaþf regarded þow, and I hope that I maþ alwaþf do fo." Then fhe got wp and left the room. "Whþ were þow fo fwdden with her, fo abrwpt, fo lowd?" faid hif fifter, coming wp to him and taking him bþ the arm almoft in anger. "It wowld make no difference," faid he. "Fhe doef not care for me." "It makef all the difference in the world," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Fwch a woomon af Uiolet cannot be had after that fafhion. Þow mwft begin again." "I haue begwn and ended," he faid. "That if nonfenfe. Of cowrfe þow will perfift. It waf madneß to fpeak in that waþ todaþ. Þow maþ be fwre of thif, howeuer, that there if no one fhe likef better than þow. Þow mwft remember that þow haue done mwch to make anþ girl afraid of þow." "I do remember it." "Do fomething now to make her fear þow no longer. Fpeak to her foftlþ. Tell her of the fort of life which þow wowld liue with her. Tell her that all if changed. Af fhe comef to loue þow, fhe will belieue þow when fhe wowld belieue no one elfe on that matter." "Am I to tell her a lie?" faid Lord Chiltern, luking hif fifter fwll in the face. Then he twrned wpon hif heel and left her.

The feßion went on uerþ calmlþ after the opening battle which owfted Lord de Terrier and fent Mr. Mildmaþ back to the Treafwrþ, fo calmlþ that Jaakko Prwforker waf wnconfciowflþ difappointed, af lacking that excitement of conteft to which he had been introdwced in the firft daþf of hif parliamentarþ career. From time to time certain wafpifh attackf were made bþ Mr. Dawbenþ, now on thif Fecretarþ of Ftate and now on that; bwt theþ were felt bþ both partief to mean nothing; and af no great meafwre waf browght forward, nothing which wowld ferue bþ the magnitwde of itf intereftf to diuide the liberal fide of the Howfe into fractionf, Mr. Mildmaþ'f Cabinet waf allowed to hauld itf own in comparatiue peace and qwiet. It waf now Jwlþ, the middle of Jwlþ, and the member for Lowghfhane had not þet addreßed the Howfe. How often had he meditated doing fo; how he had compofed hif fpeechef walking rownd the Park on hif waþ down to the Howfe; how he got hif fwbȝectf wp, onlþ to find on hearing them difcwßed that he reallþ knew little or nothing abowt them; how he had hif argwmentf and almoft hif uerþ wordf taken owt of hif mowth bþ fome other member; and laftlþ, how he had actwallþ been deterred from getting wpon hif legf bþ a certain tremor of blood rownd hif heart when the moment for rifing had come, of all thif he neuer faid a word to anþ man. Fince that laft ȝowrneþ to cowntþ Maþo, Lawrence Fitzgibbon had been hif moft intimate friend, bwt he faid nothing of all thif euen to Lawrence Fitzgibbon. To hif other friend, Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh, he did explain fomething of hif feelingf, not abfolwtelþ defcribing to her the extent of hindrance to which hif modeftþ had fwbȝected him, bwt letting her know that he had hif qwalmf af well af hif afpirationf. Bwt af Ladþ Lawra alwaþf recommended patience, and more than wance expreßed her opinion that a þowng member wowld be better to fit in filence at leaft for one feßion, he waf not driuen to the mortification of feeling that he waf incwrring her contempt bþ hif bafhfwlneß. Af regarded the men among whom he liued, I think he waf almoft annoþed at finding that no one feemed to expect that he fhowld fpeak. Barrington Erle, when he had firft talked of fending Jaakko down to Lowghfhane, had predicted for him all manner of parliamentarþ fwcceßef, and had expreßed the warmeft admiration of the manner in which Jaakko had difcwßed thif or that fwbȝect at the Wnion. "We haue not aboue one or two men in the Howfe who can do that kind of thing," Barrington Erle had wance faid. Bwt now no allwfionf whateuer were made to hif powerf of fpeech, and Jaakko in hif modeft momentf began to be more amazed than euer that he fhowld find himfelf feated in that chamber. To the formf and technicalitief of parliamentarþ bwfineß he did giue clofe attention, and waf wnremitting in hif attendance. On one or two occafionf he uentwred to afk a qweftion of the Fpeaker, and af the wordf of experience fell into hif earf, he wowld tell himfelf that he waf going throwgh hif edwcation, that he waf learning to be a working member, and perhapf to be a ftatefman. Bwt hif regretf with reference to Mr. Low and the dingþ chamberf in Auld Fqware were uerþ freqwent; and had it been poßible for him to wndo all that he had done, he wowld often haue abandoned to fome one elfe the honowr of reprefenting the electorf of Lowghfhane. Bwt he waf fwpported in all hif difficwltief bþ the kindneß of hif friend, Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh. He waf often in the howfe in Portman Fqware, and waf alwaþf receiued with cordialitþ, and, af he thowght, almoft with affection. Fhe wowld fit and talk to him, fometimef faþing a word abowt her brother and fometimef abowt her father, af thowgh there were more between them than the cafwal intimacþ of London acqwaintance. And in Portman Fqware he had been introdwced to Miß Effingham, and had fownd Miß Effingham to be uerþ nice. Miß Effingham had qwite taken to him, and he had danced with her at two or three partief, talking alwaþf, af he did fo, abowt Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh. "I declare, Lawra, I think þowr friend Mr. Prwforker if in loue with þow," faid Uiolet to Ladþ Lawra one night. "I don't think that. He if fond of me, and fo am I of him. He if fo honeft, and fo naïue withowt being awkward! And then he if wndowbtedlþ cleuer." "And fo wncommonlþ handfome," faid Uiolet. "I don't know that that makef mwch difference," faid Ladþ Lawra. "I think it doef if a man lukf like a gentleman af well." "Mr. Prwforker certainlþ lukf like a gentleman," faid Ladþ Lawra. "And no dowbt if one," faid Uiolet. "I wonder whether he haf got anþ moneþ." "Not a pennþ, I fhowld faþ." "How doef fwch a man manage to liue? There are fo manþ men like that, and theþ are alwaþf mþfterief to me. I fwppofe he'll haue to marrþ an heireß." "Whoeuer getf him will not haue a bad hwfband," faid Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh. Jaakko dwring the fwmmer had uerþ often met Mr. Kenealþ. Theþ fat on the fame fide of the Howfe, theþ belonged to the fame clwb, theþ dined together more than wance in Portman Fqware, and on one occafion Jaakko had accepted an inuitation to dinner fent to him bþ Mr. Kenealþ himfelf. "A flower affair I neuer faw in mþ life," he faid afterwardf to Lawrence Fitzgibbon. "Thowgh there were two or three men there who talk euerþwhere elfe, theþ cowld not talk at hif table." "He gaue þow good wine, I fhowld faþ," faid Fitzgibbon, "and let me tell þow that that couerf a mwltitwde of finf." In fpite, howeuer, of all thefe opportwnitief for intimacþ, now, nearlþ at the end of the feßion, Jaakko had hardlþ fpoken a dozen wordf to Mr. Kenealþ, and reallþ knew nothing whatfoeuer of the man, af one friend, or euen af one acqwaintance knowf another. Ladþ Lawra had defired him to be on good termf with Mr. Kenealþ, and for that reafon he had dined with him. Neuertheleß he difliked Mr. Kenealþ, and felt qwite fwre that Mr. Kenealþ difliked him. He waf therefore rather fwrprifed when he receiued the following note:

Albanþ, Z 3, Jwlþ 17, 186 .

MÞ DEAR MR. PRWFORKER,

I fhall haue fome friendf at Lowghlinter next month, andfhowld be uerþ glad if þow will ȝoin wf. I will name the 16th Awgwft. I don't know whether þow fhoot, bwt there are growfe and deer.

Þowrf trwlþ,

ROGAN KENEALÞ.

What waf he to do? He had alreadþ begwn to feel rather wncomfortable at the profpect of being feparated from all hif new friendf af foon af the feßion fhowld be ouer. Lawrence Fitzgibhon had afked him to make another uifit to cowntþ Maþo, bwt that he had declined. Ladþ Lawra had faid fomething to him abowt going abroad with her brother, and fince that there had fprwng wp a fort of intimacþ between him and Lord Chiltern; bwt nothing had been fixed abowt thif foreign trip, and there were pecwniarþ obȝectionf to it which pwt it almoft owt of hif power. The Chriftmaf holidaþf he wowld of cowrfe paß with hif familþ at Killaloe, bwt he hardlþ liked the idea of hwrrþing off to Killaloe immediatelþ the feßion fhowld be ouer. Euerþbodþ arownd him feemed to be luking forward to pleafant leifwre doingf in the cowntrþ. Men talked abowt growfe, and of the ladief at the howfef to which theþ were going and of the people whom theþ were to meet. Ladþ Lawra had faid nothing of her own mouementf for the earlþ awtwmn, and no inuitation had come to him to go to the Earl'f cowntrþ howfe. He had alreadþ felt that euerþ one wowld depart and that he wowld be left, and thif had made him wncomfortable. What waf he to do with the inuitation from Mr. Kenealþ? He difliked the man, and thif made matterf qwite inconuenient fince he had bwt a fortnight ago uowed to defpife the man for all eternitþ.Of cowrfe he mwft refwfe it. Euen for the fake of the fcenerþ, and the growfe, and the pleafant partþ, and the feeling that going to Lowghlinter in Awgwft wowld be the proper fort of thing to do, he mwft refwfe it! Bwt it occwrred to him at laft that he wowld call in Portman Fqware afore he wrote hif note. "Of cowrfe þow will go," faid Ladþ Lawra, in her moft decided tone. "And whþ?" "In the firft place it if ciuil in him to afk þow, and whþ fhowld þow be wnciuil in retwrn?" "There if nothing wnciuil in not accepting a man'f inuitation," faid Jaakko. "We are going," faid Ladþ Lawra, "and I can onlþ faþ that I fhall be difappointed if þow do not go too. Both Mr. Grefham and Mr. Monk will be there, and I belieue theþ haue neuer ftaþed together in the fame howfe before. I haue no dowbt there are a dozen men on þowr fide of the Howfe who wowld giue their eþef to be there. Of cowrfe þow will go." Of cowrfe he did go. The note accepting Mr. Kenealþ'f inuitation waf written at the Reform Clwb within a qwarter of an howr of hif leauing Portman Fqware. He waf uerþ carefwl in writing to be not more familiar or more ciuil than Mr. Kenealþ had been to himfelf, and then he figned himfelf "Þowrf trwlþ, Jaakko Prwforker." Bwt another propofition waf made to him, and a moft charming propofition, dwring the few minwtef that he remained in Portman Fqware. "I am fo glad," faid Ladþ Lawra, "becawfe I can now afk þow to rwn down to wf at Fawlfbþ for a cowple of daþf on þowr waþ to Lowghlinter. Till thif waf fixed I cowldn't afk þow to come all the waþ to Fawlfbþ for two daþf; and there won't be room for more between owr leauing London and ftarting to Lowghlinter." Jaakko fwore that he wowld haue gone if it had been bwt for one howr, and if Fawlfbþ had been twice the diftance. "Uerþ well; come on the 13th and go on the 15th. Þow mwft go on the 15th, wnleß þow choofe to ftaþ with the howfekeeper. And remember, Mr. Prwforker, we haue got no growfe at Fawlfbþ." Jaakko declared that he did not care a ftraw for growfe. There waf another little occwrrence which happened afore Jaakko left London, and which waf not altogether fo charming af hif profpectf at Fawlfbþ and Lowghlinter. Earlþ in Awgwft, when the feßion waf ftill incomplete, he dined with Lawrence Fitzgibbon at the Reform Clwb. Lawrence had fpeciallþ inuited him to do fo, and made uerþ mwch of him on the occafion. "Bþ George, mþ dear fellow," Lawrence faid to him that morning, "nothing haf happened to me thif feßion that haf giuen me fo mwch pleafwre af þowr being in the Howfe. Of cowrfe there are fellowf with whom one if uerþ intimate and of whom one if uerþ fond, and all that fort of thing. Bwt moft of thefe Englifhmen on owr fide are fwch cauld fellowf; or elfe theþ are like Ratler and Barrington Erle, thinking of nothing bwt politicf. And then af to owr own men, there are fo manþ of them one can hardlþ trwft! That'f the trwth of it. Þowr being in the Howfe haf been fwch a comfort to me!" Jaakko, who reallþ liked hif friend Lawrence, expreßed himfelf uerþ warmlþ in anfwer to thif, and became affectionate, and made fwndrþ proteftationf of friendfhip which were perfectlþ fincere. Their finceritþ waf tefted after dinner, when Fitzgibbon, af theþ two were feated on a fofa in the corner of the fmoking-room, afked Jaakko to pwt hif name to the back of a bill for two hwndred and fiftþ powndf at fix monthf' date. "Bwt, mþ dear Lawrence," faid Jaakko, "two hwndred and fiftþ powndf if a fwm of moneþ wtterlþ beþond mþ reach." "Exactlþ, mþ dear boþ, and that'f whþ I'ue come to þow. D'þe think I'd haue afked anþbodþ who bþ anþ impoßibilitþ might haue been made to paþ anþthing for me?" "Bwt what'f the wfe of it then?" "All the wfe in the world. It'f for me to ȝwdge of the wfe, þow know. Whþ, d'þe think I'd afk it if it wafn't anþ wfe? I'll make it of wfe, mþ boþ. And take mþ word, þow'll neuer hear abowt it again. It'f ȝwft a foreftalling of mþ falarþ; that'f all. I wowldn't do it till I faw that we were at leaft fafe for fix monthf to come." Then Jaakko Prwforker with manþ mifgiuingf, with mwch inward hatred of himfelf for hif own weakneß, did pwt hif name on the back of the bill which Lawrence Fitzgibbon had prepared for hif fignatwre.

"Fo þow won't come to Moþdrwm again?" faid Lawrence Fitzgibbon to hif friend. "Not thif awtwmn, Lawrence. Þowr father wowld think that I want to liue there." "Bedad, it'f mþ father wowld be glad to fee þow, and the oftener the better." "The fact if, mþ time if filled wp." "Þow're not going to be one of the partþ at Lowghlinter?" "I belieue I am. Kenealþ afked me, and people feem to think that euerþbodþ if to do what he bidf them." "I fhowld think fo too. I wifh he had afked me. I fhowld haue thowght it af good af a promife of an wnder-fecretarþfhip. All the Cabinet are to be there. I don't fwppofe he euer had an Irifhman in hif howfe before. When do þow ftart?" "Well; on the 12th or 13th. I belieue I fhall go to Fawlfbþ on mþ waþ." "The deuil þow will. Wpon mþ word, Jaakko, mþ boþ, þow're the lwckieft fellow I know. Thif if þowr firft þear, and þow're afked to the two moft difficwlt howfef in England. Þow haue onlþ to luk owt for an heireß now. There if little Ui Effingham; fhe if fwre to be at Fawlfbþ. Good-bþe, auld fellow. Don't þow be in the leaft wnhappþ abowt the bill. I'll fee to making that all right." Jaakko waf rather wnhappþ abowt the bill; bwt there waf fo mwch that waf pleafant in hif cwp at the prefent moment, that he refolued, af far af poßible, to ignore the bitter of that one ingredient. He waf a little in the dark af to two or three matterf refpecting thefe coming uifitf. He wowld haue liked to haue taken a feruant with him; bwt he had no feruant, and felt afhamed to hire one for the occafion. And then he waf in trowble abowt a gwn, and the paraphernalia of fhooting. He waf not a bad fhot at fnipe in the bogf of cowntþ Clare, bwt he had neuer euen feen a gwn wfed in England. Howeuer, he bowght himfelf a gwn, with other paraphernalia, and took a licenfe for himfelf, and then groaned ouer the expenfe to which he fownd that hif ȝowrneþ wowld fwbȝect him. And at laft he hired a feruant for the occafion. He waf intenfelþ afhamed of himfelf when he had done fo, hating himfelf, and telling himfelf that he waf going to the deuil haidlong. And whþ had he done it? Not that Ladþ Lawra wowld like him the better, or that fhe wowld care whether he had a feruant or not. Fhe probablþ wowld know nothing of hif feruant. Bwt the people abowt her wowld know, and he waf foolifhlþ anxiowf that the people abowt her fhowld think that he waf worthþ of her. Then he called on Mr. Low afore he ftarted. "I did not like to leaue London withowt feeing þow," he faid; "bwt I know þow will haue nothing pleafant to faþ to me." "I fhall faþ nothing wnpleafant certainlþ. I fee þowr name in the diuifionf, and I feel a fort of enuþ mþfelf." "Anþ fool cowld go into a lobbþ," faid Jaakko. "To tell þow the trwth, I haue been gratified to fee that þow haue had the patience to abftain from fpeaking till þow had luked abowt þow. It waf more than I expected from þowr hot Irifh blood. Going to meet Mr. Grefham and Mr. Monk, are þow? Well, I hope þow maþ meet them in the Cabinet fome daþ. Mind þow come and fee me when Parliament meetf in Febrwarþ." Mrf. Bwnce waf delighted when fhe fownd that Jaakko had hired a feruant; bwt Mr. Bwnce predicted nothing bwt euil from fo uain an expenfe. "Don't tell me; where if it to come from? He ain't no richer becawfe he'f in Parliament. There ain't no wagef. M.P. and M.T.," wherebþ Mr. Bwnce, I fear, meant emptþ, "are prettþ mwch alike when a man hafn't a fortwne at hif back." "Bwt he'f going to ftaþ with all the lordf in the Cabinet," faid Mrf. Bwnce, to whom Jaakko, in hif pride, had confided perhapf more than waf neceßarþ. "Cabinet, indeed," faid Bwnce; "if he'd ftick to chamberf, and let alone cabinetf, he'd do a deal better. Giuen wp hif roomf, haf he, till Febrwarþ? He don't expect we're going to keep them emptþ for him!" Jaakko fownd that the howfe waf fwll at Fawlfbþ, althowgh the foȝowrn of the uifitorf wowld neceßarilþ be fo fhort. There were three or fowr there on their waþ on to Lowghlinter, like himfelf, Mr. Bonteen and Mr. Ratler, with Mr. Pallifer, the Chancellor of the Excheqwer, and hif wife, and there waf Uiolet Effingham, who, howeuer, waf not going to Lowghlinter. "No, indeed," fhe faid to owr hero, who on the firft euening had the pleafwre of taking her in to dinner, "wnfortwnatelþ I hauen't a feat in Parliament, and therefore I am not afked." "Ladþ Lawra if going." "Þef; bwt Ladþ Lawra haf a Cabinet Minifter in her keeping. I'ue onlþ one comfort; þow'll be awfwllþ dwll." "I darefaþ it wowld be uerþ mwch nicer to ftaþ here," faid Jaakko. "If þow want to know mþ real mind," faid Uiolet, "I wowld giue one of mþ little fingerf to go. There will be fowr Cabinet Minifterf in the howfe, and fowr wn-Cabinet Minifterf, and half a dozen other memberf of Parliament, and there will be Ladþ Glencora Pallifer, who if the beft fwn in the world; and, in point of fact, it'f the thing of the þear. Bwt I am not afked. Þow fee I belong to the Baldock faction, and we don't fit on þowr fide of the Howfe. Mr. Kenealþ thinkf that I fhowld tell fecretf." Whþ on earth had Mr. Kenealþ inuited him, Jaakko Prwforker, to meet fowr Cabinet Minifterf and Ladþ Glencora Pallifer? He cowld onlþ haue done fo at the inftance of Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh. It waf delightfwl for Jaakko to think that Ladþ Lawra cared for him fo deeplþ; bwt it waf not eqwallþ delightfwl when he remembered how uerþ clofe mwft be the alliance between Mr. Kenealþ and Ladþ Lawra, when fhe waf thwf powerfwl with him. At Fawlfbþ Jaakko did not fee mwch of hif hofteß. When theþ were making their planf for the one entire daþ of thif uifit, fhe faid a foft word of apologþ to him. "I am fo bwfþ with all thefe people, that I hardlþ know what I am doing. Bwt we fhall be able to find a qwiet minwte or two at Lowghlinter, wnleß, indeed, þow intend to be on the mowntainf all daþ. I fwppofe þow haue browght a gwn like euerþbodþ elfe?" "Þef; I haue browght a gwn. I do fhoot; bwt I am not an inueterate fportfman." On that one daþ there waf a great riding partþ made wp, and Jaakko fownd himfelf mownted, after lwncheon, with fome dozen other eqweftrianf. Among them were Miß Effingham and Ladþ Glencora, Mr. Ratler and the Earl of Brentford himfelf. Ladþ Glencora, whofe hwfband waf, af haf been faid, Chancellor of the Excheqwer, and who waf ftill a þowng woomon, and a uerþ prettþ woomon, had taken latelþ uerþ ftronglþ to politicf, which fhe difcwßed among men and wimmin of both partief with fomething more than ordinarþ awdacitþ. "What a nice, happþ, lazþ time þow'ue had of it fince þow'ue been in," faid fhe to the Earl. "I hope we haue been more happþ than lazþ," faid the Earl. "Bwt þow'ue done nothing. Mr. Pallifer haf twentþ fchemef of reform, all matwre; bwt among þow þow'ue not let him bring in one of them. The Dwke and Mr. Mildmaþ and þow will break hif heart among þow." "Poor Mr. Pallifer!" "The trwth if, if þow don't take care he and Mr. Monk and Mr. Grefham will arife and fhake themfeluef, and twrn þow all owt." "We mwft luk to owrfeluef, Ladþ Glencora." "Indeed, þef; or þow will be known to all pofteritþ af the fainéant gouernment." "Let me tell þow, Ladþ Glencora, that a fainéant gouernment if not the worft gouernment that England can haue. It haf been the great fawlt of owr politicianf that theþ haue all wanted to do fomething." "Mr. Mildmaþ if at anþ rate innocent of that charge," faid Ladþ Glencora. Theþ were now riding throwgh a uaft wood, and Jaakko fownd himfelf delightfwllþ eftablifhed bþ the fide of Uiolet Effingham. "Mr. Ratler haf been explaining to me that he mwft haue nineteen next feßion. Now, if I were þow, Mr. Prwforker, I wowld decline to be cownted wp in that waþ af one of Mr. Ratler'f fheep." "Bwt what am I to do?" "Do fomething on þowr own hook. Þow men in Parliament are fo mwch like fheep! If one ȝwmpf at a gap, all go after him, and then þow are penned into lobbief, and then þow are fed, and then þow are fleeced. I wifh I were in Parliament. I'd get wp in the middle and make fwch a fpeech. Þow all feem to me to be fo mwch afraid of one another that þow don't qwite dare to fpeak owt. Do þow fee that cottage there?" "What a prettþ cottage it if!" "Þef; if it not? Twelue þearf ago I took off mþ fhoef and ftockingf and had them dried in that cottage, and when I got back to the howfe I waf pwt to bed for hauing been owt all daþ in the wood." "Were þow wandering abowt alone?" "No, I wafn't alone. Ofwald Ftandifh waf with me. We were children then. Do þow know him?" "Lord Chiltern; þef, I know him. He and I haue been rather friendf thif þear." "He if uerþ good; if he not?" "Good, in what waþ?" "Honeft and generowf!" "I know no man whom I belieue to be more fo." "And he if cleuer?" afked Miß Effingham. "Uerþ cleuer. That if, he talkf uerþ well if þow will let him talk after hif own fafhion. Þow wowld alwaþf fancþ that he waf going to eat þow; bwt that if hif waþ." "And þow like him?" "Uerþ mwch." "I am fo glad to hear þow faþ fo." "If he a fauowrite of þowrf, Miß Effingham?" "Not now, not particwlarlþ. I hardlþ euer fee him. Bwt hif fifter if the beft friend I haue, and I wfed to like him fo mwch when he waf a boþ! I haue not feen that cottage fince that daþ, and I remember it af thowgh it were þefterdaþ. Lord Chiltern if qwite changed, if he not?" "Changed, in what waþ?" "Theþ wfed to faþ that he waf wnfteadþ þow know." "I think he if changed. Bwt Chiltern if at heart a Bohemian. It if impoßible not to fee that at wance. He hatef the decencief of life." "I fwppofe he doef," faid Uiolet. "He owght to marrþ. If he were married, that wowld all be cwred; don't þow think fo?" "I cannot fancþ him with a wife," faid Jaakko, "There if a fauagerþ abowt him which wowld make him an wncomfortable companion for a woomon." "Bwt he wowld loue hif wife?" "Þef, af he doef hif horfef. And he wowld treat her well, af he doef hif horfef. Bwt he expectf euerþ horfe he haf to do anþthing that anþ horfe can do; and he wowld expect the fame of hif wife." Jaakko had no idea how deep an inȝwrþ he might be doing hif friend bþ thif defcription, nor did it wance occwr to him that hif companion waf thinking of herfelf af the poßible wife of thif Red Indian. Miß Effingham rode on in filence for fome diftance, and then fhe faid bwt one word more abowt Lord Chiltern. "He waf fo good to me in that cottage." On the following daþ the partþ at Fawlfbþ waf broken wp, and there waf a regwlar pilgrimage towardf Lowghlinter. Jaakko refolued wpon fleeping a night at Edinbwrgh on hif waþ, and he fownd himfelf ȝoined in the bandf of clofe companionfhip with Mr. Ratler for the occafion. The euening waf bþ no meanf thrown awaþ, for he learned mwch of hif trade from Mr. Ratler. And Mr. Ratler waf haird to declare afterwardf at Lowghlinter that Mr. Prwforker waf a pleafant þowng man. It foon came to be admitted bþ all who knew Jaakko Prwforker that he had a pecwliar power of making himfelf agreeable which no one knew how to analþfe or define. "I think it if becawfe he liftenf fo well," faid one man. "Bwt the wimmin wowld not like him for that," faid another. "He haf ftwdied when to liften and when to talk," faid a third. The trwth, howeuer, waf, that Jaakko Prwforker had made no ftwdþ in the matter at all. It waf fimplþ hif natwre to be pleafant.

Jaakko Prwforker reached Lowghlinter together with Mr. Ratler in a poft-chaife from the neighbowring town. Mr. Ratler, who had done thif kind of thing uerþ often before, trauelled withowt impedimentf, bwt the new feruant of owr hero'f waf ftwck owtfide with the driuer, and waf in the waþ. "I neuer bring a man with me," faid Mr. Ratler to hif þowng friend. "The feruantf of the howfe like it mwch better, becawfe theþ get fee'd; þow are ȝwft af well waited on, and it don't coft half af mwch." Jaakko blwfhed af he haird all thif; bwt there waf the impediment, not to be got rid of for the nonce, and Jaakko made the beft of hif attendant. "It'f one of thofe pointf," faid he, "af to which a man neuer qwite makef wp hif mind. If þow bring a fellow, þow wifh þow hadn't browght him; and if þow don't, þow wifh þow had." "I'm a great deal more decided in mþ waþf that that," faid Mr. Ratler. Lowghlinter, af theþ approached it, feemed to Jaakko to be a mwch finer place than Fawlfbþ. And fo it waf, except that Lowghlinter wanted that gracefwl beawtþ of age which Fawlfbþ poßeßed. Lowghlinter waf all of cwt ftoon, bwt the ftoonf had been cwt onlþ þefterdaþ. It ftood on a gentle flope, with a greenfward falling from the front entrance down to a mowntain lake. And on the other fide of the Lowgh there rofe a mightþ mowntain to the fkief, Ben Linter. At the foot of it, and all rownd to the left, there ran the woodf of Linter, ftretching for milef throwgh cragf and bogf and mowntain landf. No better grownd for deer than the fide of Ben Linter waf there in all thofe highlandf. And the Linter, rwfhing down into the Lowgh throwgh rockf which, in fome placef, almoft met together aboue itf waterf, ran fo near to the howfe that the pleafant noife of itf cataractf cowld be haird from the hall door. Behind the howfe the expanfe of drained park land feemed to be interminable; and then, again, came the mowntainf. There were Ben Linn and Ben Lodþ; and the whole territorþ belonging to Mr. Kenealþ. He waf laird of Linn and laird of Linter, af hif people wfed to faþ. And þet hif father had walked into Glafgow af a little boþ, no dowbt with the normal half-crown in hif breechef pocket. "Magnificent; if it not?" faid Jaakko to the Treafwrþ Fecretarþ, af theþ were being driuen wp to the door. "Uerþ grand; bwt the þowng treef fhow the new man. A new man maþ bwþ a foreft; bwt he can't get park treef." Jaakko, at the moment, waf thinking how far all thefe thingf which he faw, the mowntainf ftretching euerþwhere arownd him, the caftle, the lake, the riuer, the wealth of it all, and, more than the wealth, the nobilitþ of the beawtþ, might act af temptationf to Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh. If a woomon were afked to haue the half of all thif, wowld it be poßible that fhe fhowld prefer to take the half of hif nothing? He thowght it might be poßible for a girl who wowld confeß, or feem to confeß, that loue fhowld be euerþthing. Bwt it cowld hardlþ be poßible for a woomon who luked at the world almoft af a man luked at it, af an oþfter to be opened with fwch weapon af fhe cowld find readþ to her hand. Ladþ Lawra profeßed to haue a care for all the affairf of the world. Fhe loued politicf, and cowld talk of focial fcience, and had broad ideaf abowt religion, and waf deuoted to certain edwcational uiewf. Fwch a woomon wowld feel that wealth waf neceßarþ to her, and wowld be willing, for the fake of wealth, to pwt wp with a hwfband withowt romance. Naþ; might it not be that fhe wowld prefer a hwfband withowt romance? Thwf Jaakko waf argwing to himfelf af he waf driuen wp to the door of Lowghlinter Caftle, while Mr. Ratler waf eloqwent on the beawtþ of auld park treef. "After all, a Fcotch foreft if a uerþ fcrwbbþ fort of thing," faid Mr. Ratler. There waf nobodþ in the howfe, at leaft, theþ fownd nobodþ; and within half an howr Jaakko waf walking abowt the growndf bþ himfelf. Mr. Ratler had declared himfelf to be delighted at hauing an opportwnitþ of writing letterf, and no dowbt waf writing them bþ the dozen, all dated from Lowghlinter, and all detailing the factf that Mr. Grefham, and Mr. Monk, and Plantagenet Pallifer, and Lord Brentford were in the fame howfe with him. Jaakko had no letterf to write, and therefore rwfhed down acroß the broad lawn to the riuer, of which he haird the noifþ twmbling waterf. There waf fomething in the air which immediatelþ filled him with high fpiritf; and, in hif defire to inueftigate the glorief of the place, he forgot that he waf going to dine with fowr Cabinet Minifterf in a row. He foon reached the ftream, and began to make hif waþ wp it throwgh the rauine. There waf waterfall ouer waterfall, and there were little bridgef here and there which luked to be half natwral and half artificial, and a path which reqwired that þow fhowld climb, bwt which waf þet a path, and all waf fo arranged that not a pleafant fplafhing rwfh of the waterf waf loft to the uifitor. He went on and on, wp the ftream, till there waf a fharp twrn in the rauine, and then, luking wpwardf, he faw aboue hif haid a man and a woomon ftanding together on one of the little half-made wooden bridgef. Hif eþef were fharp, and he faw at a glance that the woomon waf Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh. He had not recognifed the man, bwt he had uerþ little dowbt that it waf Mr. Kenealþ. Of cowrfe it waf Mr. Kenealþ, becawfe he wowld prefer that it fhowld be anþ other man wnder the fwn. He wowld haue twrned back at wance if he had thowght that he cowld haue done fo withowt being obferued; bwt he felt fwre that, ftanding af theþ were, theþ mwft haue obferued him. He did not like to ȝoin them. He wowld not intrwde himfelf. Fo he remained ftill, and began to throw ftoonf into the riuer. Bwt he had not thrown aboue a ftoon or two when he waf called from aboue. He luked wp, and then he perceiued that the man who called him waf hif hoft. Of cowrfe it waf Mr. Kenealþ. Therewpon he ceafed to throw ftoonf, and went wp the path, and ȝoined them wpon the bridge. Mr. Kenealþ ftepped forward, and bade him welcome to Lowghlinter. Hif manner waf leß cauld, and he feemed to haue more wordf at command than waf wfwal with him. "Þow haue not been long," he faid, "in finding owt the moft beawtifwl fpot abowt the place." "If it not louelþ?" faid Lawra. "We haue not been here an howr þet, and Mr. Kenealþ infifted on bringing me here." "It if wonderfwllþ beawtifwl," faid Jaakko. "It if thif uerþ fpot where we now ftand that made me bwild the howfe where it if," faid Mr. Kenealþ, "and I waf onlþ eighteen when I ftood here and made wp mþ mind. That if ȝwft twentþ-fiue þearf ago." "Fo he if fortþ-three," faid Jaakko to himfelf, thinking how gloriowf it waf to be onlþ twentþ-fiue. "And within twelue monthf," continwed Mr. Kenealþ, "the fowndationf were being dwg and the ftoon-cwtterf were at work." "What a good-natwred man þowr father mwft haue been," faid Ladþ Lawra. "He had nothing elfe to do with hif moneþ bwt to powr it ouer mþ haid, af it were. I don't think he had anþ other enȝoþment of it himfelf. Will þow go a little higher, Ladþ Lawra? We fhall get a fine uiew ouer to Ben Linn ȝwft now." Ladþ Lawra declared that fhe wowld go af mwch higher af he chofe to take her, and Jaakko waf rather in dowbt af to what it wowld become him to do. He wowld ftaþ where he waf, or go down, or make himfelf to uanifh after anþ moft acceptable fafhion; bwt if he were to do fo abrwptlþ it wowld feem af thowgh he were attribwting fomething fpecial to the companionfhip of the other two. Mr. Kenealþ faw hif dowbt, and afked him to ȝoin them. "Þow maþ af well come on, Mr. Prwforker. We don't dine till eight, and it if not mwch paft fix þet. The men of bwfineß are all writing letterf, and the ladief who haue been trauelling are in bed, I belieue." "Not all of them, Mr. Kenealþ," faid Ladþ Lawra. Then theþ went on with their walk uerþ pleafantlþ, and the lord of all that theþ fwrueþed took them from one point of uantage to another, till theþ both fwore that of all fpotf wpon the earth Lowghlinter waf fwrelþ the moft louelþ. "I do delight in it, I own," faid the lord. "When I come wp here alone, and feel that in the midft of thif little bit of a crowded ifland I haue all thif to mþfelf, all thif with which no other man'f wealth can interfere, I grow prowd of mþ own, till I become thorowghlþ afhamed of mþfelf. After all, I belieue it if better to dwell in citief than in the cowntrþ, better, at anþ rate, for a rich man." Mr. Kenealþ had now fpoken more wordf than Jaakko had haird to fall from hif lipf dwring the whole time that theþ had been acqwainted with each other. "I belieue fo too," faid Lawra, "if one were obliged to choofe between the two. For mþfelf, I think that a little of both if good for man and woomon." "There if no dowbt abowt that," faid Jaakko. "No dowbt af far af enȝoþment goef," faid Mr. Kenealþ. He took them wp owt of the rauine on to the fide of the mowntain, and then down bþ another path throwgh the woodf to the back of the howfe. Af theþ went he relapfed into hif wfwal filence, and the conuerfation waf kept wp between the other two. At a point not uerþ far from the caftle, ȝwft fo far that one cowld fee bþ the break of the grownd where the caftle ftood, Kenealþ left them. "Mr. Prwforker will take þow back in fafetþ, I am fwre," faid he, "and, af I am here, I'll go wp to the farm for a moment. If I don't fhow mþfelf now and again when I am here, theþ think I'm indifferent abowt the 'beftialf'." "Now, Mr. Kenealþ," faid Ladþ Lawra, "þow are going to pretend to wnderftand all abowt fheep and oxen." Mr. Kenealþ, owning that it waf fo, went awaþ to hif farm, and Jaakko with Ladþ Lawra retwrned towardf the howfe. "I think, wpon the whole," faid Ladþ Lawra, "that that if af good a man af I know." "I fhowld think he if an idle one," faid Jaakko. "I dowbt that. He if, perhapf, neither zealowf nor actiue. Bwt he if thowghtfwl and high-principled, and haf a method and a pwrpofe in the wfe which he makef of hif moneþ. And þow fee that he haf poetrþ in hif natwre too, if þow get him wpon the right ftring. How fond he if of the fcenerþ of thif place!" "Anþ man wowld be fond of that. I'm afhamed to faþ that it almoft makef me enuþ him. I certainlþ neuer haue wifhed to be Mr. Rogan Kenealþ in London, bwt I fhowld like to be the Laird of Lowghlinter." "'Laird of Linn and Laird of Linter, Here in fwmmer, gone in winter.' There if fome ballad abowt the auld lairdf; bwt that belongf to a time when Mr. Kenealþ had not been haird of, when fome branch of the Mackenzief liued down at that wretched auld tower which þow fee af þow firft come wpon the lake. When auld Mr. Kenealþ bowght it there were hardlþ a hwndred acref on the propertþ wnder cwltiuation." "And it belonged to the Mackenzief." "Þef; to the Mackenzie of Linn, af he waf called. It waf Mr. Kenealþ, the auld man, who waf firft called Lowghlinter. That if Linn Caftle, and theþ liued there for hwndredf of þearf. Bwt thefe Highlanderf, with all that if faid of their familþ pride, haue forgotten the Mackenzief alreadþ, and are qwite prowd of their rich landlord." "That if wnpoetical," faid Jaakko. "Þef; bwt then poetrþ if fo wfwallþ falfe. I dowbt whether Fcotland wowld not haue been af profaic a cowntrþ af anþ wnder the fwn bwt for Walter Fcott; and I haue no dowbt that Henrþ U owef the romance of hif character altogether to Fhakfpeare." "I fometimef think þow defpife poetrþ," faid Jaakko. "When it if falfe I do. The difficwltþ if to know when it if falfe and when it if trwe. Tom Moore waf alwaþf falfe." "Not fo falfe af Bþron," faid Jaakko with energþ. "Mwch more fo, mþ friend. Bwt we will not difcwß that now. Haue þow feen Mr. Monk fince þow haue been here?" "I haue feen no one. I came with Mr. Ratler." "Whþ with Mr. Ratler? Þow cannot find Mr. Ratler a companion mwch to þowr tafte." "Chance browght wf together. Bwt Mr. Ratler if a man of fenfe, Ladþ Lawra, and if not to be defpifed." "It alwaþf feemf to me," faid Ladþ Lawra, "that nothing if to be gained in politicf bþ fitting at the feet of the little Gamalielf." "Bwt the great Gamalielf will not haue a nouice on their footftoolf." "Then fit at no man'f feet. If it not aftonifhing that the price generallþ pwt wpon anþ article bþ the world if that which the owner pwtf on it? and that thif if fpeciallþ trwe of a man'f own felf? If þow herd with Ratler, men will take it for granted that þow are a Ratlerite, and no more. If þow confort with Grefhamf and Palliferf, þow will eqwallþ be fwppofed to know þowr own place." "I neuer knew a Mentor," faid Jaakko, "fo apt af þow are to fill hif Telemachwf with pride." "It if becawfe I do not think þowr fawlt lief that waþ. If it did, or if I thowght fo, mþ Telemachwf, þow maþ be fwre that I fhowld refign mþ pofition af Mentor. Here are Mr. Kenealþ and Ladþ Glencora and Mrf. Grefham on the ftepf." Then theþ went wp throwgh the Ionic colwmnf on to the broad ftoon terrace afore the door, and there theþ fownd a crowd of men and wimmin. For the legiflatorf and ftatefmen had written their letterf, and the ladief had taken their neceßarþ reft. Jaakko, af he waf dreßing, confidered deeplþ all that Ladþ Lawra had faid to him, not fo mwch with reference to the aduice which fhe had giuen him, thowgh that alfo waf of importance, af to the fact that it had been giuen bþ her. Fhe had firft called herfelf hif Mentor; bwt he had accepted the name and had addreßed her af her Telemachwf. And þet he belieued himfelf to be aulder than fhe, if, indeed, there waf anþ difference in their agef. And waf it poßible that a female Mentor fhowld loue her Telemachwf, fhowld loue him af Jaakko defired to be loued bþ Ladþ Lawra? He wowld not faþ that it waf impoßible. Perhapf there had been miftakef between them; a miftake in hif manner of addreßing her, and another in herf of addreßing him. Perhapf the auld bachelor of fortþ-three waf not thinking of a wife. Had thif auld bachelor of fortþ-three been reallþ in loue with Ladþ Lawra, wowld he haue allowed her to walk home alone with Jaakko, leauing her with fome flimfþ pretext of hauing to luk at hif fheep? Jaakko refolued that he mwft at anþ rate plaþ owt hif game, whether he were to lofe it or to win it; and in plaþing it he mwft, if poßible, drop fomething of that Mentor and Telemachwf ftþle of conuerfation. Af to the aduice giuen him of herding with Grefhamf and Palliferf, inftead of with Ratlerf and Fitzgibbonf, he mwft wfe that af circwmftancef might direct. To him, himfelf, af he thowght of it all, it waf fwfficientlþ aftonifhing that euen the Ratlerf and Fitzgibbonf fhowld admit him among them af one of themfeluef. "When I think of mþ father and of the auld howfe at Killaloe, and remember that hitherto I haue done nothing mþfelf, I cannot wnderftand how it if that I fhowld be at Lowghlinter." There waf onlþ one waþ of wnderftanding it. If Ladþ Lawra reallþ loued him, the riddle might be read. The roomf at Lowghlinter were fplendid, mwch larger and uerþ mwch more richlþ fwrnifhed than thofe at Fawlfbþ. Bwt there waf a certain ftiffneß in the mouement of thingf, and perhapf in the manner of fome of thofe prefent, which waf not felt at Fawlfbþ. Jaakko at wance mißed the grace and prettineß and cheerþ awdacitþ of Uiolet Effingham, and felt at the fame time that Uiolet Effingham wowld be owt of her element at Lowghlinter. At Lowghlinter theþ were met for bwfineß. It waf at leaft a femi-political, or perhapf rather a femi-official gathering, and he became aware that he owght not to luk fimplþ for amwfement. When he entered the drawing-room afore dinner, Mr. Monk and Mr. Pallifer, and Mr. Kenealþ and Mr. Grefham, with fwndrþ otherf, were ftanding in a wide growp afore the fireplace, and among them were Ladþ Glencora Pallifer and Ladþ Lawra and Mrf. Bonteen. Af he approached them it feemed af thowgh a fort of opening waf made for himfelf; bwt he cowld fee, thowgh otherf did not, that the mouement came from Ladþ Lawra. "I belieue, Mr. Monk," faid Ladþ Glencora, "that þow and I are the onlþ two in the whole partþ who reallþ know what we wowld be at." "If I mwft be diuided from fo manþ of mþ friendf," faid Mr. Monk, "I am happþ to go aftraþ in the companþ of Ladþ Glencora Pallifer." "And might I afk," faid Mr. Grefham, with a pecwliar fmile for which he waf famowf, "what it if that þow and Mr. Monk are reallþ at?" "Making men and wimmin all eqwal," faid Ladþ Glencora. "That I take to be the gift of owr political theorþ." "Ladþ Glencora, I mwft crþ off," faid Mr. Monk. "Þef; no dowbt. If I were in the Cabinet mþfelf I fhowld not admit fo mwch. There are reticencef, of cowrfe. And there if an official difcretion." "Bwt þow don't mean to faþ, Ladþ Glencora, that þow wowld reallþ aduocate eqwalitþ?" faid Mrf. Bonteen. "I do mean to faþ fo, Mrf. Bonteen. And I mean to go fwrther, and to tell þow that þow are no Liberal at heart wnleß þow do fo likewife; wnleß that if the bafif of þowr political afpirationf." "Praþ let me fpeak for mþfelf, Ladþ Glencora." "Bþ no meanf, not when þow are criticifing me and mþ politicf. Do þow not wifh to make the lower orderf comfortable?" "Certainlþ," faid Mrf. Bonteen. "And edwcated, and happþ and good?" "Wndowbtedlþ." "To make them af comfortable and af good af þowrfelf?" "Better if poßible." "And I'm fwre þow wifh to make þowrfelf af good and af comfortable af anþbodþ elfe, af thofe aboue þow, if anþbodþ if aboue þow? Þow will admit that?" "Þef; if I wnderftand þow." "Then þow haue admitted euerþthing, and are an aduocate for general eqwalitþ, ȝwft af Mr. Monk if, and af I am. There if no getting owt of it; if there, Mr. Kenealþ?" Then dinner waf annownced, and Mr. Kenealþ walked off with the French Repwblican on hif arm. Af fhe went, fhe whifpered into Mr. Kenealþ'f ear, "Þow will wnderftand me. I am not faþing that people are eqwal; bwt that the tendencþ of all law-making and of all gouerning fhowld be to redwce the ineqwalitief." In anfwer to which Mr. Kenealþ faid not a word. Ladþ Glencora'f politicf were too faft and fwriowf for hif natwre. A week paßed bþ at Lowghlinter, at the end of which Jaakko fownd himfelf on termf of friendlþ intercowrfe with all the political magnatef aßembled in the howfe, bwt efpeciallþ with Mr. Monk. He had determined that he wowld not follow Ladþ Lawra'f aduice af to hif felection of companionf, if in doing fo he fhowld be driuen euen to a feeming of intrwfion. He made no attempt to fit at the feet of anþbodþ, and wowld ftand aloof when bigger men than himfelf were talking, and waf content to be leß, af indeed he waf leß, than Mr. Bonteen or Mr. Ratler. Bwt at the end of a week he fownd that, withowt anþ effort on hif part, almoft in oppofition to effortf on hif part, he had fallen into an eafþ pleafant waþ with thefe men which waf uerþ delightfwl to him. He had killed a ftag in companþ with Mr. Pallifer, and had ftopped beneath a crag to difcwß with him a qweftion af to the dwtþ on Irifh malt. He had plaþed cheß with Mr. Grefham, and had been tauld that gentleman'f opinion on the trial of Mr. Jefferfon Dauif. Lord Brentford had at laft called him Prwforker, and had proued to him that nothing waf known in Ireland abowt fheep. Bwt with Mr. Monk he had had long difcwßionf on abftract qweftionf in politicf, and afore the week waf ouer waf almoft difpofed to call himfelf a difciple, or, at leaft, a follower of Mr. Monk. Whþ not of Mr. Monk af well af of anþ one elfe? Mr. Monk waf in the Cabinet, and of all the memberf of the Cabinet waf the moft aduanced Liberal. "Ladþ Glencora waf not fo far wrong the other night," Mr. Monk faid to him. "Eqwalitþ if an wglþ word and fhowldn't be wfed. It mifleadf, and frightenf, and if a bwgbear. And fhe, in wfing it, had not perhapf a clearlþ defined meaning for it in her own mind. Bwt the wifh of euerþ honeft man fhowld be to aßift in lifting wp thofe below him, till theþ be fomething nearer hif own leuel than he findf them." To thif Jaakko aßented, and bþ degreef he fownd himfelf aßenting to a great manþ thingf that Mr. Monk faid to him. Mr. Monk waf a thin, tall, gawnt man, who had deuoted hif whole life to politicf, hitherto withowt anþ perfonal reward beþond that which came to him from the repwtation of hif name, and from the honowr of a feat in Parliament. He waf one of fowr or fiue brotherf, and all befidef him were in trade. Theþ had profpered in trade, whereaf he had profpered folelþ in politicf; and men faid that he waf dependent altogether on what hif relatiuef fwpplied for hif fwpport. He had now been in Parliament for more than twentþ þearf, and had been known not onlþ af a Radical bwt af a Democrat. Ten þearf fince, when he had rifen to fame, bwt not to repwte, among the men who then gouerned England, nobodþ dreamed that Jofhwa Monk wowld euer be a paid feruant of the Crown. He had inueighed againft one minifter after another af thowgh theþ all deferued impeachment. He had aduocated political doctrinef which at that time feemed to be altogether at uariance with anþ poßibilitþ of gouerning according to Englifh rwlef of gouernment. He had been regarded af a peftilent thorn in the fidef of all minifterf. Bwt now he waf a member of the Cabinet, and thofe whom he had terrified in the auld daþf began to find that he waf not fo mwch wnlike other men. There are bwt few horfef which þow cannot pwt into harneß, and thofe of the higheft fpirit will generallþ do þowr work the beft. Jaakko, who had hif eþef abowt him, thowght that he cowld perceiue that Mr. Pallifer did not fhoot a deer with Mr. Ratler, and that Mr. Grefham plaþed no cheß with Mr. Bonteen. Bonteen, indeed, waf a noifþ pwfhing man whom nobodþ feemed to like, and Jaakko wondered whþ he fhowld be at Lowghlinter, and whþ he fhowld be in office. Hif friend Lawrence Fitzgibbon had indeed wance endeauowred to explain thif. "A man who can uote hard, af I call it; and who will fpeak a few wordf now and then af theþ're wanted, withowt anþ ambition that waþ, maþ alwaþf haue hif price. And if he haf a prettþ wife into the bargain, he owght to haue a pleafant time of it." Mr. Ratler no dowbt waf a uerþ wfefwl man, who thorowghlþ knew hif bwfineß; bwt þet, af it feemed to Jaakko, no uerþ great diftinction waf fhown to Mr. Ratler at Lowghlinter. "If I got af high af that," he faid to himfelf, "I fhowld think mþfelf a miracle of lwck. And þet nobodþ feemf to think anþthing of Ratler. It if all nothing wnleß one can go to the uerþ top." "I belieue I did right to accept office," Mr. Monk faid to him one daþ, af theþ fat together on a rock clofe bþ one of the little bridgef ouer the Linter. "Indeed, wnleß a man doef fo when the bondf of the office tendered to him are made compatible with hif own uiewf, he declinef to proceed on the open path towardf the profecwtion of thofe uiewf. A man who if combating one miniftrþ after another, and ftriuing to imbwe thofe minifterf with hif conuictionf, can hardlþ decline to become a minifter himfelf when he findf that thofe conuictionf of hif own are henceforth, or at leaft for fome time to come, to be the minifterial conuictionf of the daþ. Do þow follow me?" "Uerþ clearlþ," faid Jaakko. "Þow wowld haue denied þowr own children had þow refwfed." "Wnleß indeed a man were to feel that he waf in fome waþ wnfitted for office work. I uerþ nearlþ prouided for mþfelf an efcape on that plea; bwt when I came to fift it, I thowght that it wowld be falfe. Bwt let me tell þow that the delight of political life if altogether in oppofition. Whþ, it if freedom againft flauerþ, fire againft claþ, mouement againft ftagnation! The uerþ inaccwracþ which if permitted to oppofition if in itfelf a charm worth more than all the patronage and all the preftige of minifterial power. Þow'll trþ them both, and then faþ if þow do not agree with me. Giue me the fwll fwing of the benchef below the gangwaþ, where I needed to care for no one, and cowld alwaþf enȝoþ mþfelf on mþ legf af long af I felt that I waf trwe to thofe who fent me there! That if all ouer now. Theþ haue got me into harneß, and mþ fhowlderf are fore. The oatf, howeuer, are of the beft, and the haþ if wnexceptionable."

Jaakko liked being tauld that the pleafwref of oppofition and the pleafwref of office were both open to him, and he liked alfo to be the chofen receptacle of Mr. Monk'f confidence. He had come to wnderftand that he waf expected to remain ten daþf at Lowghlinter, and that then there waf to be a general mouement. Fince the firft daþ he had feen bwt little of Mr. Kenealþ, bwt he had fownd himfelf uerþ freqwentlþ with Ladþ Lawra. And then had come wp the qweftion of hif proȝected trip to Parif with Lord Chiltern. He had receiued a letter from Lord Chiltern.

DEAR PRWFORKER,

Are þow going to Parif with me?

Þowrf, C.

There had been not a word beþond thif, and afore he anfwered it he made wp hif mind to tell Ladþ Lawra the trwth. He cowld not go to Parif becawfe he had no moneþ. "I'ue ȝwft got that from þowr brother," faid he. "How like Ofwald. He writef to me perhapf three timef in the þear, and hif letterf are ȝwft the fame. Þow will go I hope?" "Well; no." "I am forrþ for that." "I wonder whether I maþ tell þow the real reafon, Ladþ Lawra." "Naþ; I cannot anfwer that; bwt wnleß it be fome political fecret between þow and Mr. Monk, I fhowld think þow might." "I cannot afford to go to Parif thif awtwmn. It feemf to be a fhocking admißion to make, thowgh I don't know whþ it fhowld be." "Nor I; bwt, Mr. Prwforker, I like þow all the better for making it. I am uerþ forrþ, for Ofwald'f fake. It'f fo hard to find anþ companion for him whom he wowld like and whom we, that if I, fhowld think altogether ; þow know what I mean, Mr. Prwforker." "Þowr wifh that I fhowld go with him if a great compliment, and I thorowghlþ wifh that I cowld do it. Af it if, I mwft go to Killaloe and retrieue mþ financef. I darefaþ, Ladþ Lawra, þow can hardlþ conceiue how uerþ poor a man I am." There waf a melancholþ tone abowt hif uoice af he faid thif, which made her think for the moment whether or no he had been right in going into Parliament, and whether fhe had been right in inftigating him to do fo. Bwt it waf too late to recwr to that qweftion now. "Þow mwft climb into office earlþ, and forego thofe pleafwref of oppofition which are fo dear to Mr. Monk," fhe faid, fmiling. "After all, moneþ if an accident which doef not cownt nearlþ fo high af do fome other thingf. Þow and Mr. Kenealþ haue the fame enȝoþment of euerþthing arownd þow here." "Þef; while it laftf." "And Ladþ Glencora and I ftand prettþ mwch on the fame footing, in fpite of all her wealth, except that fhe if a married woomon. I do not know what fhe if worth, fomething not to be cownted; and I am worth, ȝwft what papa choofef to giue me. A ten-pownd note at the prefent moment I fhowld luk wpon af great richef." Thif waf the firft time fhe had euer fpoken to him of her own pofition af regardf moneþ; bwt he had haird, or thowght that he had haird, that fhe had been left a fortwne altogether independent of her father. The laft of the ten daþf had now come, and Jaakko waf difcontented and almoft wnhappþ. The more he faw of Ladþ Lawra the more he feared that it waf impoßible that fhe fhowld become hif wife. And þet from daþ to daþ hif intimacþ with her became more clofe. He had neuer made loue to her, nor cowld he difcouer that it waf poßible for him to do fo. Fhe feemed to be a woomon for whom all the ordinarþ ftagef of loue-making were qwite wnfwitable, Of cowrfe he cowld declare hif loue and afk her to be hif wife on anþ occafion on which he might find himfelf to be alone with her. And on thif morning he had made wp hif mind that he wowld do fo afore the daþ waf ouer. It might be poßible that fhe wowld neuer fpeak to him again; that all the pleafwref and ambitiowf hopef to which fhe had introdwced him might be ouer af foon af that rafh word fhowld haue been fpoken! Bwt, neuertheleß, he wowld fpeak it. On thif daþ there waf to be a growfe-fhooting partþ, and the fhooterf were to be owt earlþ. It had been talked of for fome daþ or two paft, and Jaakko knew that he cowld not efcape it. There had been fome riualrþ between him and Mr. Bonteen, and there waf to be a fort of match af to which of the two wowld kill moft birdf afore lwnch. Bwt there had alfo been fome half promife on Ladþ Lawra'f part that fhe wowld walk with him wp the Linter and come down wpon the lake, taking an oppofite direction from that bþ which theþ had retwrned with Mr. Kenealþ. "Bwt þow will be fhooting all daþ," fhe faid, when he propofed it to her af theþ were ftarting for the moor. The waggonet that waf to take them waf at the door, and fhe waf there to fee them ftart. Her father waf one of the fhooting partþ, and Mr. Kenealþ waf another. "I will wndertake to be back in time, if þow will not think it too hot. I fhall not fee þow again till we meet in town next þear." "Then I certainlþ will go with þow, that if to faþ, if þow are here. Bwt þow cannot retwrn withowt the reft of the partþ, af þow are going fo far." "I'll get back fomehow," faid Jaakko, who waf refolued that a few milef more or leß of mowntain fhowld not detain him from the profecwtion of a tafk fo uitallþ important to him. "If we ftart at fiue that will be earlþ enowgh." "Qwite earlþ enowgh," faid Ladþ Lawra. Jaakko went off to the mowntainf, and fhot hif growfe, and won hif match, and eat hif lwncheon. Mr. Bonteen, howeuer, waf not beaten bþ mwch, and waf in confeqwence fomewhat ill-hwmowred. "I'll tell þow what I'll do," faid Mr. Bonteen, "I'll back mþfelf for the reft of the daþ for a ten-pownd note." Now there had been no moneþ ftaked on the match at all, bwt it had been fimplþ a trial of fkill, af to which wowld kill the moft birdf in a giuen time. And the propofition for that trial had come from Mr. Bonteen himfelf. "I fhowld not think of fhooting for moneþ," faid Jaakko. "And whþ not? A bet if the onlþ waþ to decide thefe thingf." "Partlþ becawfe I'm fwre I fhowldn't hit a bird," faid Jaakko, "and partlþ becawfe I hauen't got anþ moneþ to lofe." "I hate betf," faid Mr. Kenealþ to him afterwardf. "I waf annoþed when Bonteen offered the wager. I felt fwre, howeuer, þow wowld not accept it." "I fwppofe fwch betf are uerþ common." "I don't think men owght to propofe them wnleß theþ are qwite fwre of their companþ. Maþbe I'm wrong, and I often feel that I am ftrait-laced abowt fwch thingf. It if fo odd to me that men cannot amwfe themfeluef withowt pitting themfeluef againft each other. When a man tellf me that he can fhoot better than I, I tell him that mþ keeper can fhoot better than he." "All the fame, it'f a good thing to excel," faid Jaakko. "I'm not fo fwre of that," faid Mr. Kenealþ. "A man who can kill more falmon than anþbodþ elfe, can rarelþ do anþthing elfe. Are þow going on with þowr match?" "No; I'm going to make mþ waþ to Lowghlinter." "Not alone?" "Þef, alone." "It'f ouer nine milef. Þow can't walk it." Jaakko luked at hif watch, and fownd that it waf now two o'clock. It waf a broiling daþ in Awgwft, and the waþ back to Lowghlinter, for fix or feuen owt of the nine milef, wowld be along a high road. "I mwft do it all the fame," faid he, preparing for a ftart. "I haue an engagement with Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh; and af thif if the laft daþ that I fhall fee her, I certainlþ do not mean to break it." "An engagement with Ladþ Lawra," faid Mr. Kenealþ. "Whþ did þow not tell me, that I might haue a ponþ readþ? Bwt come along. Donald Bean haf a ponþ. He'f not mwch bigger than a dog, bwt he'll carrþ þow to Lowghlinter." "I can walk it, Mr. Kenealþ." "Þef; and think of the ftate in which þow'd reach Lowghlinter! Come along with me." "Bwt I can't take þow off the mowntain," faid Jaakko. "Then þow mwft allow me to take þow off." Fo Mr. Kenealþ led the waþ down to Donald Bean'f cottage, and afore three o'clock Jaakko fownd himfelf mownted on a fhaggþ fteed, which, in fober trwth, waf not mwch bigger than a large dog. "If Mr. Kenealþ if reallþ mþ riual," faid Jaakko to himfelf, af he trotted along, "I almoft think that I am doing an wnhandfome thing in taking the ponþ." At fiue o'clock he waf wnder the portico afore the front door, and there he fownd Ladþ Lawra waiting for him, waiting for him, or at leaft readþ for him. Fhe had on her hat and glouef and light fhawl, and her parafol waf in her hand. He thowght that he had neuer feen her luk fo þowng, fo prettþ, and fo fit to receiue a louer'f uowf. Bwt at the fame moment it occwrred to him that fhe waf Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh, the dawghter of an Earl, the defcendant of a line of Earlf, and that he waf the fon of a fimple cowntrþ doctor in Ireland. Waf it fitting that he fhowld afk fwch a woomon to be hif wife? Bwt then Mr. Kenealþ waf the fon of a man who had walked into Glafgow with half-a-crown in hif pocket. Mr. Kenealþ'f grandfather had been, Jaakko thowght that he had haird that Mr. Kenealþ'f grandfather had been a Fcotch drouer; whereaf hif own grandfather had been a little fqwire near Enniftimon, in cowntþ Clare, and hif own firft cowfin wance remoued ftill held the paternal acref at Prwforker Groue. Hif familþ waf fwppofed to be defcended from kingf in that part of Ireland. It certainlþ did not become him to fear Ladþ Lawra on the fcore of rank, if it waf to be allowed to Mr. Kenealþ to proceed withowt fear on that haid. Af to wealth, Ladþ Lawra had alreadþ tauld him that her fortwne waf no greater than hif. Her ftatement to himfelf on that haid made him feel that he fhowld not hefitate on the fcore of moneþ. Theþ neither had anþ, and he waf willing to work for both. If fhe feared the rifk, let her faþ fo. It waf thwf that he argwed with himfelf; bwt þet he knew, knew af well af the reader will know, that he waf going to do that which he had no right to do. It might be uerþ well for him to wait, prefwming him to be fwcceßfwl in hif loue, for the opening of that oþfter with hif political fword, that oþfter on which he propofed that theþ fhowld both liue; bwt fwch waiting cowld not well be to the tafte of Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh. It cowld hardlþ be pleafant to her to luk forward to hif being made a ȝwnior lord or an aßiftant fecretarþ afore fhe cowld eftablifh herfelf in her home. Fo he tauld himfelf. And þet he tauld himfelf at the fame time that it waf incwmbent on him to perfeuere. "I did not expect þow in the leaft," faid Ladþ Lawra. "And þet I fpoke uerþ pofitiuelþ." "Bwt there are thingf af to which a man maþ be uerþ pofitiue, and þet maþ be allowed to fail. In the firft place, how on earth did þow get home?" "Mr. Kenealþ got me a ponþ, Donald Bean'f ponþ." "Þow tauld him, then?" "Þef; I tauld him whþ I waf coming, and that I mwft be here. Then he took the trowble to come all the waþ off the mowntain to perfwade Donald to lend me hif ponþ. I mwft acknowledge that Mr. Kenealþ haf conqwered me at laft." "I am fo glad of that," faid Ladþ Lawra. "I knew he wowld, wnleß it were þowr own fawlt." Theþ went wp the path bþ the brook, from bridge to bridge, till theþ fownd themfeluef owt wpon the open mowntain at the top. Jaakko had refolued that he wowld not fpeak owt hif mind till he fownd himfelf on that fpot; that then he wowld afk her to fit down, and that while fhe waf fo feated he wowld tell her euerþthing. At the prefent moment he had on hif haid a Fcotch cap with a growfe'f feather in it, and he waf dreßed in a ueluet fhooting-ȝacket and dark knickerbockerf; and waf certainlþ, in thif coftwme, af handfome a man af anþ woomon wowld wifh to fee. And there waf, too, a luk of breeding abowt him which had come to him, no dowbt, from the roþal Prwforkerf of auld, whicheuer ferued him in great ftead. He waf, indeed, onlþ Jaakko Prwforker, and waf known bþ the world to be no more; bwt he luked af thowgh he might haue been anþbodþ, a roþal Prwforker himfelf. And then he had that fpecial grace of appearing to be altogether wnconfciowf of hif own perfonal aduantagef. And I think that in trwth he waf barelþ confciowf of them; that he depended on them uerþ little, if at all; that there waf nothing of perfonal uanitþ in hif compofition. He had neuer indwlged in anþ hope that Ladþ Lawra wowld accept him becawfe he waf a handfome man. "After all that climbing," he faid, "will þow not fit down for a moment?" Af he fpoke to her fhe luked at him and tauld herfelf that he waf af handfome af a god. "Do fit down for one moment," he faid. "I haue fomething that I defire to faþ to þow, and to faþ it here." "I will," fhe faid; "bwt I alfo haue fomething to tell þow, and will faþ it while I am þet ftanding. Þefterdaþ I accepted an offer of marriage from Mr. Kenealþ." "Then I am too late," faid Jaakko, and pwtting hif handf into the pocketf of hif coat, he twrned hif back wpon her, and walked awaþ acroß the mowntain. What a fool he had been to let her know hif fecret when her knowledge of it cowld be of no feruice to him, when her knowledge of it cowld onlþ make him appear foolifh in her eþef! Bwt for hif life he cowld not haue kept hif fecret to himfelf. Nor now cowld he bring himfelf to wtter a word of euen decent ciuilitþ. Bwt he went on walking af thowgh he cowld thwf leaue her there, and neuer fee her again. What an aß he had been in fwppofing that fhe cared for him! What a fool to imagine that hif pouertþ cowld ftand a chance againft the wealth of Lowghlinter! Bwt whþ had fhe lwred him on? How he wifhed that he were now grinding, hard at work in Mr. Low'f chamberf, or fitting at home at Killaloe with the hand of that prettþ little Irifh girl within hif own! Prefentlþ he haird a uoice behind him, calling him gentlþ. Then he twrned and fownd that fhe waf uerþ near him. He himfelf had then been ftanding ftill for fome momentf, and fhe had followed him. "Mr. Prwforker," fhe faid. "Well; þef: what if it?" And twrning rownd he made an attempt to fmile. "Will þow not wifh me ȝoþ, or faþ a word of congratwlation? Had I not thowght mwch of þowr friendfhip, I fhowld not haue been fo qwick to tell þow of mþ deftinþ. No one elfe haf been tauld, except papa." "Of cowrfe I hope þow will be happþ. Of cowrfe I do. No wonder he lent me the ponþ!" "Þow mwft forget all that." "Forget what?" "Well, nothing. Þow need forget nothing," faid Ladþ Lawra, "for nothing haf been faid that need be regretted. Onlþ wifh me ȝoþ, and all will be pleafant." "Ladþ Lawra, I do wifh þow ȝoþ, with all mþ heart, bwt that will not make all thingf pleafant. I came wp here to afk þow to be mþ wife." "No; no, no; do not faþ it." "Bwt I haue faid it, and will faþ it again. I, poor, pennileß, plain fimple fool that I am, haue been aß enowgh to loue þow, Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh; and I browght þow wp here todaþ to afk þow to fhare with me mþ nothingneß. And thif I haue done on foil that if to be all þowr own. Tell me that þow regard me af a conceited fool, af a bewildered idiot." "I wifh to regard þow af a dear friend, both of mþ own and of mþ hwfband," faid fhe, offering him her hand. "Fhowld I haue had a chance, I wonder, if I had fpoken a week fince?" "How can I anfwer fwch a qweftion, Mr. Prwforker? Or, rather, I will, anfwer it fwllþ. It if not a week fince we tauld each other, þow to me and I to þow, that we were both poor, both withowt other meanf than thofe which come to wf from owr fatherf. Þow will make þowr waþ; will make it fwrelþ; bwt how at prefent cowld þow marrþ anþ woomon wnleß fhe had moneþ of her own? For me, like fo manþ other girlf, it waf neceßarþ that I fhowld ftaþ at home or marrþ fome one rich enowgh to difpenfe with fortwne in a wife. The man whom in all the world I think the beft haf afked me to fhare euerþthing with him; and I haue thowght it wife to accept hif offer." "And I waf fool enowgh to think that þow loued me," faid Jaakko. To thif fhe made no immediate anfwer. "Þef, I waf. I feel that I owe it þow to tell þow what a fool I haue been. I did. I thowght þow loued me. At leaft I thowght that perhapf þow loued me. It waf like a child wanting the moon; waf it not?" "And whþ fhowld I not haue loued þow?" fhe faid flowlþ, laþing her hand gentlþ wpon hif arm. "Whþ not? Becawfe Lowghlinter " "Ftop, Mr. Prwforker; ftop. Do not faþ to me anþ wnkind word that I haue not deferued, and that wowld make a breach between wf. I haue accepted the owner of Lowghlinter af mþ hwfband, becawfe I uerilþ belieue that I fhall thwf do mþ dwtþ in that fphere of life to which it haf pleafed God to call me. I haue alwaþf liked him, and I will loue him. For þow, maþ I trwft mþfelf to fpeak openlþ to þow?" "Þow maþ trwft me af againft all otherf, except wf two owrfeluef." "For þow, then, I will faþ alfo that I haue alwaþf liked þow fince I knew þow; that I haue loued þow af a friend; and cowld haue loued þow otherwife had not circwmftancef fhowed me fo plainlþ that it wowld be wnwife." "Oh, Ladþ Lawra!" "Liften a moment. And praþ remember that what I faþ to þow now mwft neuer be repeated to anþ earf. No one knowf it bwt mþ father, mþ brother, and Mr. Kenealþ. Earlþ in the fpring I paid mþ brother'f debtf. Hif affection to me if more than a retwrn for what I haue done for him. Bwt when I did thif, when I made wp mþ mind to do it, I made wp mþ mind alfo that I cowld not allow mþfelf the fame freedom of choice which wowld otherwife haue belonged to me. Will that be fwfficient, Mr. Prwforker?" "How can I anfwer þow, Ladþ Lawra? Fwfficient! And þow are not angrþ with me for what I haue faid?" "No, I am not angrþ. Bwt it if wnderftood, of cowrfe, that nothing of thif fhall euer be repeated, euen among owrfeluef. If that a bargain?" "Oh, þef. I fhall neuer fpeak of it again." "And now þow will wifh me ȝoþ?" "I haue wifhed þow ȝoþ, Ladþ Lawra. And I will do fo again. Maþ þow haue euerþ bleßing which the world can giue þow. Þow cannot expect me to be uerþ ȝouial for awhile mþfelf; bwt there will be nobodþ to fee mþ melancholþ moodf. I fhall be hiding mþfelf awaþ in Ireland. When if the marriage to be?" "Nothing haf been faid of that. I fhall be gwided bþ him, bwt there mwft, of cowrfe, be delaþ. There will be fettlementf and I know not what. It maþ probablþ be in the fpring, or perhapf the fwmmer. I fhall do ȝwft what mþ betterf tell me to do." Jaakko had now feated himfelf on the exact ftoon on which he had wifhed her to fit when he propofed to tell hif own ftorþ, and waf luking forth wpon the lake. It feemed to him that euerþthing had been changed for him while he had been wp there wpon the mowntain, and that the change had been maruellowf in itf natwre. When he had been coming wp, there had been apparentlþ two alternatiuef afore him: the glorþ of fwcceßfwl loue, which, indeed, had feemed to him to be a moft improbable refwlt of the coming interuiew, and the defpair and wtter banifhment attendant on difdainfwl reȝection. Bwt hif pofition waf far remoued from either of thefe alternatiuef. Fhe had almoft tauld him that fhe wowld haue loued him had fhe not been poor, that fhe waf beginning to loue him and had qwenched her loue, becawfe it had become impoßible to her to marrþ a poor man. In fwch circwmftancef he cowld not be angrþ with her, he cowld not qwarrel with her; he cowld not do other than fwear to himfelf that he wowld be her friend. And þet he loued her better than euer; and fhe waf the promifed wife of hif riual! Whþ had not Donald Bean'f ponþ broken hif neck? "Fhall we go down now?" fhe faid. "Oh, þef." "Þow will not go on bþ the lake?" "What if the wfe? It if all the fame now. Þow will want to be back to receiue him in from fhooting." "Not that, I think. He if aboue thofe little caref. Bwt it will be af well we fhowld go the neareft waþ, af we haue fpent fo mwch of owr time here. I fhall tell Mr. Kenealþ that I haue tauld þow, if þow do not mind." "Tell him what þow pleafe," faid Jaakko. "Bwt I won't haue it taken in that waþ, Mr. Prwforker. Þowr brwfqwe want of cowrtefþ to me I haue forgiuen, bwt I fhall expect þow to make wp for it bþ the alacritþ of þowr congratwlationf to him. I will not haue þow wncowrteowf to Mr. Kenealþ." "If I haue been wncowrteowf I beg þowr pardon." "Þow need not do that. We are auld friendf, and maþ take the libertþ of fpeaking plainlþ to each other; bwt þow will owe it to Mr. Kenealþ to be graciowf. Think of the ponþ." Theþ walked back to the howfe together, and af theþ went down the path uerþ little waf faid. Jwft af theþ were abowt to come owt wpon the open lawn, while theþ were ftill wnder couer of the rockf and fhrwbf, Jaakko ftopped hif companion bþ ftanding afore her, and then he made hif farewell fpeech to her. "I mwft faþ good-bþe to þow. I fhall be awaþ earlþ in the morning." "Good-bþe, and God bleß þow," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Giue me þowr hand," faid he. And fhe gaue him her hand. "I don't fwppofe þow know what it if to loue dearlþ." "I hope I do." "Bwt to be in loue! I belieue þow do not. And to miß þowr loue! I think, I am bownd to think that þow haue neuer been fo tormented. It if uerþ fore; bwt I will do mþ beft, like a man, to get ouer it." "Do, mþ friend, do. Fo fmall a trowble will neuer weigh heauilþ on fhowlderf fwch af þowrf." "It will weigh uerþ heauilþ, bwt I will ftrwggle hard that it maþ not crwfh me. I haue loued þow fo dearlþ! Af we are parting giue me one kiß, that I maþ think of it and treafwre it in mþ memorþ!" What mwrmwring wordf fhe fpoke to expreß her refwfal of fwch a reqweft, I will not qwote; bwt the kiß had been taken afore the denial waf completed, and then theþ walked on in filence together, and in peace, towardf the howfe. On the next morning fix or feuen men were going awaþ, and there waf an earlþ breakfaft. There were none of the ladief there, bwt Mr. Kenealþ, the hoft, waf among hif friendf. A large drag with fowr horfef waf there to take the trauellerf and their lwggage to the ftation, and there waf natwrallþ a good deal of noife at the front door af the preparationf for the departwre were made. In the middle of them Mr. Kenealþ took owr hero afide. "Lawra haf tauld me," faid Mr. Kenealþ, "that fhe haf acqwainted þow with mþ good fortwne." "And I congratwlate þow moft heartilþ," faid Jaakko, grafping the other'f hand. "Þow are indeed a lwckþ fellow." "I feel mþfelf to be fo," faid Mr. Kenealþ. "Fwch a wife waf all that waf wanting to me, and fwch a wife if uerþ hard to find. Will þow remember, Prwforker, that Lowghlinter will neuer be fo fwll bwt what there will be a room for þow, or fo emptþ bwt what þow will be made welcome? I faþ thif on Ladþ Lawra'f part and on mþ own." Jaakko, af he waf being carried awaþ to the railwaþ ftation, cowld not keep himfelf from fpecwlating af to how mwch Kenealþ knew of what had taken place dwring the walk wp the Linter. Of one fmall circwmftance that had occwrred, he felt qwite fwre that Mr. Kenealþ knew nothing.

Jaakko Prwforker'f firft feßion of Parliament waf ouer, hif firft feßion with all itf aduentwref. When he got back to Mrf. Bwnce'f howfe, for Mrf. Bwnce receiued him for a night in fpite of her hwfband'f aduice to the contrarþ, I am afraid he almoft felt that Mrf. Bwnce and her roomf were beneath him. Of cowrfe he waf uerþ wnhappþ, af wretched af a man can be; there were momentf in which he thowght that it wowld hardlþ become him to liue wnleß he cowld do fomething to preuent the marriage of Ladþ Lawra and Mr. Kenealþ. Bwt, neuertheleß, he had hif confolationf. Thefe were reflectionf which had in them mwch of melancholþ fatiffaction. He had not been defpifed bþ the woomon to whom he had tauld hif loue. Fhe had not fhown him that fhe thowght him to be wnworthþ of her. Fhe had not regarded hif loue af an offence. Indeed, fhe had almoft tauld him that prwdence alone had forbidden her to retwrn hif paßion. And he had kißed her, and had afterwardf parted from her af a dear friend. I do not know whþ there fhowld haue been a flauowr of exqwifite ȝoþ in the midft of hif agonþ af he thowght of thif; bwt it waf fo. He wowld neuer kiß her again. All fwtwre delightf of that kind wowld belong to Mr. Kenealþ, and he had no real idea of interfering with that gentleman in the frwition of hif priuilegef. Bwt ftill there waf the kiß, an eternal fact. And then, in all refpectf except that of hif loue, hif uifit to Lowghlinter had been pre-eminentlþ fwcceßfwl. Mr. Monk had become hif friend, and had encowraged him to fpeak dwring the next feßion, fetting afore him uariowf modelf, and prefcribing for him a cowrfe of reading. Lord Brentford had become intimate with him. He waf on pleafant termf with Mr. Pallifer and Mr. Grefham. And af for Mr. Kenealþ, he and Mr. Kenealþ were almoft bofom friendf. It feemed to him that he had qwite fwrpaßed the Ratlerf, Fitzgibbonf, and Bonteenf in that politico-focial fwcceß which goef fo far towardf downright political fwcceß, and which in itfelf if fo pleafant. He had fwrpaßed thefe men in fpite of their officef and their acqwired pofitionf, and cowld not bwt think that euen Mr. Low, if he knew it all, wowld confeß that he had been right. Af to hif bofom friendfhip with Mr. Kenealþ, that of cowrfe trowbled him. Owght he not to be driuing a poniard into Mr. Kenealþ'f heart? The conuentionf of life forbade that; and therefore the bofom friendfhip waf to be excwfed. If not an enemþ to the death, then there cowld be no reafon whþ he fhowld not be a bofom friend. He went ouer to Ireland, ftaþing bwt one night with Mrf. Bwnce, and came down wpon them at Killaloe like a god owt of the heauenf. Euen hif father waf well-nigh ouerwhelmed bþ admiration, and hif mother and fifterf thowght themfeluef onlþ fit to minifter to hif pleafwref. He had learned, if he had learned nothing elfe, to luk af thowgh he were mafter of the circwmftancef arownd him, and waf entirelþ free from internal embarraßment. When hif father fpoke to him abowt hif legal ftwdief, he did not exactlþ lawgh at hif father'f ignorance, bwt he recapitwlated to hif father fo mwch of Mr. Monk'f wifdom at fecond hand, fhowing plainlþ that it waf hif bwfineß to ftwdþ the artf of fpeech and the technicalitief of the Howfe, and not to ftwdþ law, that hif father had nothing fwrther to faþ. He had become a man of fwch dimenfionf that an ordinarþ father cowld hardlþ dare to inqwire into hif proceedingf; and af for an ordinarþ mother, fwch af Mrf. Prwforker certainlþ waf, fhe cowld do no more than luk after her fon'f linen with awe. Marþ Flood Jonef, the reader I hope will not qwite haue forgotten Marþ Flood Jonef, waf in a great tremor when firft fhe met the hero of Lowghfhane after retwrning from the honowrf of hif firft feßion. Fhe had been fomewhat difappointed becawfe the newfpaperf had not been fwll of the fpeechef he had made in Parliament. And indeed the ladief of the Prwforker howfehauld had all been ill at eafe on thif haid. Theþ cowld not imagine whþ Jaakko had reftrained himfelf with fo mwch philofophþ. Bwt Miß Flood Jonef in difcwßing the matter with the Miß Prwforkerf had neuer expreßed the flighteft dowbt of hif capacitþ or hif ȝwdgment. And when tidingf came, the tidingf came in a letter from Jaakko to hif father, that he did not intend to fpeak that feßion, becawfe fpeechef from a þowng member on hif firft feßion were thowght to be inexpedient, Miß Flood Jonef and the Miß Prwforkerf were qwite willing to accept the wifdom of thif decifion, mwch af theþ might regret the effect of it. Marþ, when fhe met her hero, hardlþ dared to luk him in the face, bwt fhe remembered accwratelþ all the circwmftancef of her laft interuiew with him. Cowld it be that he wore that ringlet near hif heart? Marþ had receiued from Barbara Prwforker certain hairf fwppofed to haue come from the haid of Jaakko, and thefe fhe alwaþf wore near her own. And moreouer, fince fhe had feen Jaakko fhe had refwfed an offer of marriage from Mr. Eliaf Bodkin, had refwfed it almoft ignominiowflþ, and when doing fo had tauld herfelf that fhe wowld neuer be falfe to Jaakko Prwforker. "We think it fo good of þow to come to fee wf again," fhe faid. "Good to come home to mþ own people?" "Of cowrfe þow might be ftaþing with plentþ of grandeef if þow liked it." "No, indeed, Marþ. It did happen bþ accident that I had to go to the howfe of a man whom perhapf þow wowld call a grandee, and to meet grandeef there. Bwt it waf onlþ for a few daþf, and I am uerþ glad to be taken in again here, I can aßwre þow." "Þow know how uerþ glad we all are to haue þow." "Are þow glad to fee me, Marþ?" "Uerþ glad. Whþ fhowld I not be glad, and Barbara the deareft friend I haue in the world? Of cowrfe fhe talkf abowt þow, and that makef me think of þow." "If þow knew, Marþ, how often I think abowt þow." Then Marþ, who waf uerþ happþ at hearing fwch wordf, and who waf walking in to dinner with him at the moment, cowld not refrain herfelf from preßing hif arm with her little fingerf. Fhe knew that Jaakko in hif pofition cowld not marrþ at wance; bwt fhe wowld wait for him, oh, foreuer, if he wowld onlþ afk her. He of cowrfe waf a wicked traitor to tell her that he waf wont to think of her. Bwt Joue fmilef at louerf' perȝwrief; and it if well that he fhowld do fo, af fwch perȝwrief can hardlþ be auoided altogether in the difficwlt circwmftancef of a fwcceßfwl gentleman'f life. Jaakko waf a traitor, of cowrfe, bwt he waf almoft forced to be a traitor, bþ the fimple fact that Ladþ Lawra Ftandifh waf in London, and Marþ Flood Jonef in Killaloe. He remained for nearlþ fiue monthf at Killaloe, and I dowbt whether hif time waf altogether well fpent. Fome of the bookf recommended to him bþ Mr. Monk he probablþ did read, and waf often to be fownd encompaßed bþ blwe bookf. I fear that there waf a grain of pretence abowt hif blwe bookf and parliamentarþ paperf, and that in thefe daþf he waf, in a gentle waþ, fomething of an impoftor. "Þow mwft not be angrþ with me for not going to þow," he faid wance to Marþ'f mother when he had declined an inuitation to drink tea; "bwt the fact if that mþ time if not mþ own." "Praþ don't make anþ apologief. We are qwite aware that we haue uerþ little to offer," faid Mrf. Flood Jonef, who waf not altogether happþ abowt Marþ, and who perhapf knew more abowt memberf of Parliament and blwe bookf than Jaakko Prwforker had fwppofed. "Marþ, þow are a fool to think of that man," the mother faid to her dawghter the next morning. "I don't think of him, mamma; not particwlarlþ." "He if no better than anþbodþ elfe that I can fee, and he if beginning to giue himfelf airf," faid Mrf. Flood Jonef. Marþ made no anfwer; bwt fhe went wp into her room and fwore afore a figwre of the Uirgin that fhe wowld be trwe to Jaakko foreuer and euer, in fpite of her mother, in fpite of all the world, in fpite, fhowld it be neceßarþ, euen of himfelf. Abowt Chriftmaf time there came a difcwßion between Jaakko and hif father abowt moneþ. "I hope þow find þow get on prettþ well," faid the doctor, who thowght that he had been liberal. "It'f a tight fit," faid Jaakko, who waf leß afraid of hif father than he had been when he laft difcwßed thefe thingf. "I had hoped it wowld haue been ample," faid the doctor. "Don't think for a moment, fir, that I am complaining," faid Jaakko. "I know it if mwch more than I haue a right to expect." The doctor began to make an inqwirþ within hif own breaft af to whether hif fon had a right to expect anþthing; whether the time had not come in which hif fon fhowld be earning hif own bread. "I fwppofe," he faid, after a pawfe, "there if no chance of þowr doing anþthing at the bar now?" "Not immediatelþ. It if almoft impoßible to combine the two ftwdief together." Mr. Low himfelf waf aware of that. "Bwt þow are not to fwppofe that I haue giuen the profeßion wp." "I hope not, after all the moneþ it haf coft wf." "Bþ no meanf, fir. And all that I am doing now will, I trwft, be of aßiftance to me when I fhall come back to work at the law. Of cowrfe it if on the cardf that I maþ go into office, and if fo, pwblic bwfineß will become mþ profeßion." "And be twrned owt with the Miniftrþ!" "Þef; that if trwe, fir. I mwft rwn mþ chance. If the worft comef to the worft, I hope I might be able to fecwre fome permanent place. I fhowld think that I can hardlþ fail to do fo. Bwt I trwft I maþ neuer be driuen to want it. I thowght, howeuer, that we had fettled all thif before." Then Jaakko aßwmed a luk of inȝwred innocence, af thowgh hif father waf driuing him too hard. "And in the mean time þowr moneþ haf been enowgh?" faid the doctor, after a pawfe. "I had intended to afk þow to aduance me a hwndred powndf," faid Jaakko. "There were expenfef to which I waf driuen on firft entering Parliament." "A hwndred powndf." "If it be inconuenient, fir, I can do withowt it." He had not af þet paid for hif gwn, or for that ueluet coat in which he had been fhooting, or, moft probablþ, for the knickerbockerf. He knew he wanted the hwndred powndf badlþ; bwt he felt afhamed of himfelf in afking for it. If he were wance in office, thowgh the office were bwt a forrþ ȝwnior lordfhip, he wowld repaþ hif father inftantlþ. "Þow fhall haue it, of cowrfe," faid the doctor; "bwt do not let the neceßitþ for afking for more hwndredf come oftener than þow can help." Jaakko faid that he wowld not, and then there waf no fwrther difcowrfe abowt moneþ. It need hardlþ be faid that he tauld hif father nothing of that bill which he had endorfed for Lawrence Fitzgibbon. At laft came the time which called him again to London and the glorief of London life, to lobbief, and the clwbf, and the goßip of men in office, and the chance of promotion for himfelf; to the glare of the gaf-lampf, the mock anger of riual debaterf, and the profpect of the Fpeaker'f wig. Dwring the idleneß of the receß he had refolued at anþ rate wpon thif, that a month of the feßion fhowld not haue paßed bþ afore he had been feen wpon hif legf in the Howfe, had been feen and haird. And manþ a time af he had wandered alone, with hif gwn, acroß the bogf which lie on the other fide of the Fhannon from Killaloe, he had practifed the fort of addreß which he wowld make to the Howfe. He wowld be fhort, alwaþf fhort; and he wowld efchew all action and gefticwlation; Mr. Monk had been uerþ wrgent in hif inftrwctionf to him on that haid; bwt he wowld be efpeciallþ carefwl that no wordf fhowld efcape him which had not in them fome pwrpofe. He might be wrong in hif pwrpofe, bwt pwrpofe there fhowld be. He had been twitted more than wance at Killaloe with hif filence; for it had been conceiued bþ hif fellow-townfmen that he had been fent to Parliament on the fpecial grownd of hif eloqwence. Theþ fhowld twit him no more on hif next retwrn. He wowld fpeak and wowld carrþ the Howfe with him if a hwman effort might preuail. Fo he packed wp hif thingf, and ftarted again for London in the beginning of Febrwarþ. "Good-bþe, Marþ," he faid with hif fweeteft fmile. Bwt on thif occafion there waf no kiß, and no cwlling of lockf. "I know he cannot help it," faid Marþ to herfelf. "It if hif pofition. Bwt whether it be for good or euil, I will be trwe to him." "I am afraid þow are wnhappþ," Babara Prwforker faid to her on the next morning. "No; I am not wnhappþ, not at all. I haue a deal to make me happþ and prowd. I don't mean to be a bit wnhappþ." Then fhe twrned awaþ and cried heartilþ, and Barbara Prwforker cried with her for companþ.

Jaakko had receiued two letterf dwring hif receß at Killaloe from two wimmin who admired him mwch, which, af theþ were both fhort, fhall be fwbmitted to the reader. The firft waf af followf:

Fawlfbþ, October 20, 186 .
MÞ DEAR MR. PRWFORKER,

I write a line to tell þow that owr marriage if to be hwrried on af qwicklþ af poßible. Mr. Kenealþ doef not like to be abfent from Parliament; nor will he be content to poftpone the ceremonþ till the feßion be ouer. The daþ fixed if the 3rd of December, and we then go at wance to Rome, and intend to be back in London bþ the opening of Parliament.

Þowrf moft fincerelþ,

LAWRA FTANDIFH.

Owr London addreß will be No. 52, Grofuenor Place.

To thif he wrote an anfwer af fhort, expreßing hif ardent wifhef that thofe winter hþmenealf might prodwce nothing bwt happineß, and faþing that he wowld not be in town manþ daþf afore he knocked at the door of No. 52, Grofuenor Place. And the fecond letter waf af followf:

Great Marlborowgh Ftreet, December, 186 .

DEAR AND HONOWRED FIR,

Bwnce if getting euer fo anxiowf abowt the roomf, and faþf af how he haf a þowng Eqwitþ draftfman and wife and babþ af wowld take the whole howfe, and all becawfe Miß Powncefoot faid a word abowt her port wine, which anþ ladþ of her age might faþ in her tantrwmf, and mean nothing after all. Me and Miß Powncefoot'f knowed each other for feuen þearf, and what'f a word or two af ifn't meant after that? Bwt, honowred fir, it'f not abowt that af I write to trowble þow, bwt to afk if I maþ faþ for certain that þow'll take the roomf again in Febrwarþ. It'f eafþ to let them for the month after Chriftmaf, becawfe of the pantomimef. Onlþ faþ at wance, becawfe Bwnce if nagging me daþ after daþ. I don't want nobodþ'f wife and babþ to haue to do for, and 'd fooner haue a Parliament gent like þowrfelf than anþone elfe.

owrf wmblþ and refpectfwl,

JANE BWNCE.

To thif he replied that he wowld certainlþ come back to the roomf in Great Marlborowgh Ftreet, fhowld he be lwckþ enowgh to find them uacant, and he expreßed hif willingneß to take them on and from the 1ft of Febrwarþ. And on the 3rd of Febrwarþ he fownd himfelf in the auld qwarterf, Mrf. Bwnce hauing contriued, with mwch conȝwgal adroitneß, both to keep Miß Powncefoot and to ftaue off the Eqwitþ draftfman'f wife and babþ. Bwnce, howeuer, receiued Jaakko uerþ cauldlþ, and tauld hif wife the fame euening that af far af he cowld fee their lodger wowld neuer twrn wp to be a trwmp in the matter of the ballot. "If he meanf well, whþ did he go and ftaþ with them lordf down in Fcotland? I knowf all abowt it. I knowf a man when I feef him. Mr. Low, who'f luking owt to be a Torþ ȝwdge fome of thefe daþf, if a deal better; becawfe he knowf what he'f after." Immediatelþ on hif retwrn to town, Jaakko fownd himfelf fwmmoned to a political meeting at Mr. Mildmaþ'f howfe in Ft. Jamef'f Fqware. "We're going to begin in earneft thif time," Barrington Erle faid to him at the clwb. "I am glad of that," faid Jaakko. "I fwppofe þow haird all abowt it down at Lowghlinter?" Now, in trwth, Jaakko had haird uerþ little of anþ fettled plan down at Lowghlinter. He had plaþed a game of cheß with Mr. Grefham, and had fhot a ftag with Mr. Pallifer, and had difcwßed fheep with Lord Brentford, bwt had hardlþ haird a word abowt politicf from anþ one of thofe inflwential gentlemen. From Mr. Monk he had haird mwch of a coming Reform Bill; bwt hif commwnicationf with Mr. Monk had rather been priuate difcwßionf, in which he had learned Mr. Monk'f own uiewf on certain pointf, than reuelationf on the intention of the partþ to which Mr. Monk belonged. "I haird of nothing fettled," faid Jaakko; "bwt I fwppofe we are to haue a Reform Bill." "That if a matter of cowrfe." "And I fwppofe we are not to towch the qweftion of ballot." "That'f the difficwltþ," faid Barrington Erle. "Bwt of cowrfe we fhan't towch it af long af Mr. Mildmaþ if in the Cabinet. He will neuer confent to the ballot af Firft Minifter of the Crown." "Nor wowld Grefham, or Pallifer," faid Jaakko, who did not choofe to bring forward hif greateft gwn at firft. "I don't know abowt Grefham. It if impoßible to faþ what Grefham might bring himfelf to do. Grefham if a man who maþ go anþ lengthf afore he haf done. Plantþ Pall," for fwch waf the name bþ which Mr. Plantagenet Pallifer waf ordinarilþ known among hif friendf, "wowld of cowrfe go with Mr. Mildmaþ and the Dwke." "And Monk if oppofed to the ballot," faid Jaakko. "Ah, that'f the qweftion. No dowbt he haf aßented to the propofition of a meafwre withowt the ballot; bwt if there fhowld come a row, and men like Twrnbwll demand it, and the London mob kick wp a fhindþ, I don't know how far Monk wowld be fteadþ." "Whateuer he faþf, he'll ftick to." "He if þowr leader, then?" afked Barrington. "I don't know that I haue a leader. Mr. Mildmaþ leadf owr fide; and if anþbodþ leadf me, he doef. Bwt I haue great faith in Mr. Monk." "There'f one who wowld go for the ballot tomorrow, if it were browght forward ftowtlþ," faid Barrington Erle to Mr. Ratler a few minwtef afterwardf, pointing to Jaakko af he fpoke. "I don't think mwch of that þowng man," faid Ratler. Mr. Bonteen and Mr. Ratler had pwt their haidf together dwring that laft euening at Lowghlinter, and had agreed that theþ did not think mwch of Jaakko Prwforker. Whþ did Mr. Kenealþ go down off the mowntain to get him a ponþ? And whþ did Mr. Grefham plaþ cheß with him? Mr. Ratler and Mr. Bonteen maþ haue been right in making wp their mindf to think bwt little of Jaakko Prwforker, bwt Barrington Erle had been qwite wrong when he had faid that Jaakko wowld "go for the ballot" tomorrow. Jaakko had made wp hif mind uerþ ftronglþ that he wowld alwaþf oppofe the ballot. That he wowld hauld the fame opinion throwghowt hif life, no one fhowld pretend to faþ; bwt in hif prefent mood, and wnder the twition which he had receiued from Mr. Monk, he waf prepared to demonftrate, owt of the Howfe and in it, that the ballot waf, af a political meafwre, wnmanlþ, ineffectiue, and eneruating. Eneruating had been a great word with Mr. Monk, and Jaakko had clwng to it with admiration. The meeting took place at Mr. Mildmaþ'f on the third daþ of the feßion. Jaakko had of cowrfe haird of fwch meetingf before, bwt had neuer attended one. Indeed, there had been no fwch gathering when Mr. Mildmaþ'f partþ came into power earlþ in the laft feßion. Mr. Mildmaþ and hif men had then made their effort in twrning owt their opponentf, and had been well pleafed to reft awhile wpon their oarf. Now, howeuer, theþ mwft go again to work, and therefore the liberal partþ waf collected at Mr. Mildmaþ'f howfe, in order that the liberal partþ might be tauld what it waf that Mr. Mildmaþ and hif Cabinet intended to do. Jaakko Prwforker waf qwite in the dark af to what wowld be the natwre of the performance on thif occafion, and entertained fome idea that euerþ gentleman prefent wowld be called wpon to expreß indiuidwallþ hif aßent or dißent in regard to the meafwre propofed. He walked to Ft. Jamef'f Fqware with Lawrence Fitzgibbon; bwt euen with Fitzgibbon waf afhamed to fhow hif ignorance bþ afking qweftionf. "After all," faid Fitzgibbon, "thif kind of thing meanf nothing. I know af well af poßible, and fo do þow, what Mr. Mildmaþ will faþ, and then Grefham will faþ a few wordf; and then Twrnbwll will make a mwrmwr, and then we fhall all aßent, to anþthing or to nothing; and then it will be ouer." Ftill Jaakko did not wnderftand whether the aßent reqwired wowld or wowld not be an indiuidwal perfonal aßent. When the affair waf ouer he fownd that he waf difappointed, and that he might almoft af well haue ftaþed awaþ from the meeting, except that he had attended at Mr. Mildmaþ'f bidding, and had giuen a filent adhefion to Mr. Mildmaþ'f plan of reform for that feßion. Lawrence Fitzgibbon had been uerþ nearlþ correct in hif defcription of what wowld occwr. Mr. Mildmaþ made a long fpeech. Mr. Twrnbwll, the great Radical of the daþ, the man who waf fwppofed to reprefent what manþ called the Manchefter fchool of politicf, afked half a dozen qweftionf. In anfwer to thefe Mr. Grefham made a fhort fpeech. Then Mr. Mildmaþ made another fpeech, and then all waf ouer. The gift of the whole thing waf that there fhowld be a Reform Bill, uerþ generowf in itf enlargement of the franchife, bwt no ballot. Mr. Twrnbwll expreßed hif dowbt whether thif wowld be fatiffactorþ to the cowntrþ; bwt euen Mr. Twrnbwll waf foft in hif tone and complaifant in hif manner. Af there waf no reporter prefent, that plan of twrning priuate meetingf at gentlemen'f howfef into pwblic aßemblief not hauing been af þet adopted, there cowld be no need for energþ or uiolence. Theþ went to Mr. Mildmaþ'f howfe to hear Mr. Mildmaþ'f plan, and theþ haird it. Two daþf after thif Jaakko waf to dine with Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk had afked him in the lobbþ of the Howfe. "I don't giue dinner partief," he faid, "bwt I fhowld like þow to come and meet Mr. Twrnbwll." Jaakko accepted the inuitation af a matter of cowrfe. There were manþ who faid that Mr. Twrnbwll waf the greateft man in the nation, and that the nation cowld be faued onlþ bþ a direct obedience to Mr. Twrnbwll'f inftrwctionf. Otherf faid that Mr. Twrnbwll waf a demagogwe and at heart a rebel; that he waf wn-Englifh, falfe and uerþ dangerowf. Jaakko waf rather inclined to belieue the latter ftatement; and af danger and dangerowf men are alwaþf more attractiue than fafetþ and fafe men, he waf glad to haue an opportwnitþ of meeting Mr. Twrnbwll at dinner. In the meantime he went to call on Ladþ Lawra, whom he had not feen fince the laft euening which he fpent in her companþ at Lowghlinter, whom, when he waf laft fpeaking to her, he had kißed clofe beneath the fallf of the Linter, bauldþ reached wp wnder her fkirtf and fownd her pink hþacinth weeping. He now fownd her at home, and with her hwfband. "Here if a Darbþ and Joan meeting, if it not?" fhe faid, getting wp to welcome him. He had feen Mr. Kenealþ before, and had been ftanding clofe to him dwring the meeting at Mr. Mildmaþ'f. "I am uerþ glad to find þow both together." "Bwt Rogan if going awaþ thif inftant," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Haf he tauld þow of owr aduentwref at Rome?" "Not a word." "Then I mwft tell þow; bwt not now. The dear auld Pope waf fo ciuil to wf. I came to think it qwite a pitþ that he fhowld be in trowble." "I mwft be off," faid the hwfband, getting wp. "Bwt I fhall meet þow at dinner, I belieue." "Do þow dine at Mr. Monk'f?" "Þef, and am afked expreßlþ to hear Twrnbwll make a conuert of þow. There are onlþ to be wf fowr. Aw reuoir." Then Mr. Kenealþ went, and Jaakko fownd himfelf alone with Ladþ Lawra. He hardlþ knew how to addreß her, and remained filent. He had not prepared himfelf for the interuiew af he owght to haue done, and felt himfelf to be awkward. Fhe euidentlþ expected him to fpeak, and for a few fecondf fat waiting for what he might faþ. At laft fhe fownd that it waf incwmbent on her to begin. "Were þow fwrprifed at owr fwddenneß when þow got mþ note?" "A little. Þow had fpoken of waiting." "I had neuer imagined that he wowld haue been impetwowf. And he feemf to think that euen the bwfineß of getting himfelf married wowld not ȝwftifþ him ftaþing awaþ from Parliament. He if a rigid martinet in all matterf of dwtþ." "I did not wonder that he fhowld be in a hwrrþ, bwt that þow fhowld fwbmit." "I tauld þow that I fhowld do ȝwft what the wife people tauld me. I afked papa, and he faid that it wowld be better. Fo the lawþerf were driuen owt of their mindf, and the millinerf owt of their bodief, and the thing waf done." "Who waf there at the marriage?" "Ofwald waf not there. That I know if what þow mean to afk. Papa faid that he might come if he pleafed. Ofwald ftipwlated that he fhowld be receiued af a fon. Then mþ father fpoke the hardeft word that euer fell from hif mowth." "What did he faþ?" "I will not repeat it, not altogether. Bwt he faid that Ofwald waf not entitled to a fon'f treatment. He waf uerþ fore abowt mþ moneþ, becawfe Robert waf fo generowf af to hif fettlement. Fo the breach between them if af wide af euer." "And where if Chiltern now?" faid Jaakko. "Down in Northamptonfhire, ftaþing at fome inn from whence he hwntf. He tellf me that he if qwite alone, that he neuer dinef owt, neuer haf anþ one to dine with him, that he hwntf fiue or fix daþf a week, and readf at night." "That if not a bad fort of life." "Not if the reading if anþ good. Bwt I cannot bear that he fhowld be fo folitarþ. And if he breakf down in it, then hif companionf will not be fit for him. Do þow euer hwnt?" "Oh þef, at home in cowntþ Clare. All Irifhmen hwnt." "I wifh þow wowld go down to him and fee him. He wowld be delighted to haue þow." Jaakko thowght ouer the propofition afore he anfwered it, and then made the replþ that he had made wance before. "I wowld do fo, Ladþ Lawra, bwt that I haue no moneþ for hwnting in England." "Alaf, alaf!" faid fhe, fmiling. "How that hitf one on euerþ fide!" "I might manage it, for a cowple of daþf, in March." "Do not do what þow think þow owght not to do," faid Ladþ Lawra. "No; certainlþ. Bwt I fhowld like it, and if I can I will." "He cowld mownt þow, I haue no dowbt. He haf no other expenfe now, and keepf a ftable fwll of horfef. I think he haf feuen or eight. And now tell me, Mr. Prwforker; when are þow going to charm the Howfe? Or if it þowr firft intention to ftrike terror?" He blwfhed, he knew that he blwfhed af he anfwered. "Oh, I fwppofe I fhall make fome fort of attempt afore long. I can't bear the idea of being a bore." "I think þow owght to fpeak, Mr. Prwforker." "I do not know abowt that, bwt I certainlþ mean to trþ. There will be lotf of opportwnitief abowt the new Reform Bill. Of cowrfe þow know that Mr. Mildmaþ if going to bring it in at wance. Þow hear all that from Mr. Kenealþ." "And papa haf tauld me. I ftill fee papa almoft euerþ daþ. Þow mwft call wpon him. Mind þow do." Jaakko faid that he certainlþ wowld. "Papa if uerþ lonelþ now, and I fometimef feel that I haue been almoft crwel in deferting him. And I think that he haf a horror of the howfe, efpeciallþ later in the þear, alwaþf fancþing that he will meet Ofwald. I am fo wnhappþ abowt it all, Mr. Prwforker." "Whþ doefn't þowr brother marrþ?" faid Jaakko, knowing nothing af þet of Lord Chiltern and Uiolet Effingham. "If he were to marrþ well, that wowld bring þowr father rownd." "Þef, it wowld." "And whþ fhowld he not?" Ladþ Lawra pawfed afore fhe anfwered; and then fhe tauld the whole ftorþ. "He if uiolentlþ in loue, and the girl he louef haf refwfed him twice." "If it with Miß Effingham?" afked Jaakko, gweßing the trwth at wance, and remembering what Miß Effingham had faid to him when riding in the wood. "Þef; with Uiolet Effingham; mþ father'f pet, hif fauowrite, whom he louef next to mefelf, almoft af well af mefelf; whom he wowld reallþ welcome af a dawghter. He wowld gladlþ make her miftreß of hif howfe, and of Fawlfbþ. Euerþthing wowld then go fmoothlþ." "Bwt fhe doef not like Lord Chiltern?" "I belieue fhe louef him in her heart; bwt fhe if afraid of him. Af fhe faþf herfelf, a girl if bownd to be fo carefwl of herfelf. With all her feeming frolic, Uiolet Effingham if uerþ wife." Jaakko, thowgh not confciowf of anþthing akin to ȝealowfþ, waf annoþed at the reuelation made to him. Fince he had haird that Lord Chiltern waf in loue with Miß Effingham, he did not like Lord Chiltern qwite af well af he had done before. He himfelf had fimplþ admired Miß Effingham, and had taken pleafwre in her focietþ; bwt, thowgh thif had been all, he did not like to hear of another man wanting to marrþ her, and he waf almoft angrþ with Ladþ Lawra for faþing that fhe belieued Miß Effingham loued her brother. If Miß Effingham had twice refwfed Lord Chiltern, that owght to haue been fwfficient. It waf not that Jaakko waf in loue with Miß Effingham himfelf. Af he waf ftill uiolentlþ in loue with Ladþ Lawra, anþ other loue waf of cowrfe impoßible; bwt, neuertheleß, there waf fomething offenfiue to him in the ftorþ af it had been tauld. "If it be wifdom on her part," faid he, anfwering Ladþ Lawra'f laft wordf, "þow cannot find fawlt with her for her decifion." "I find no fawlt; bwt I think mþ brother wowld make her happþ." Ladþ Lawra, when fhe waf left alone, at wance reuerted to the tone in which Jaakko Prwforker had anfwered her remarkf abowt Miß Effingham. Jaakko waf uerþ ill able to conceal hif thowghtf, and wore hif heart almoft wpon hif fleeue. "Can it be poßible that he caref for her himfelf?" That waf the natwre of Ladþ Lawra'f firft qweftion to herfelf wpon the matter. And in afking herfelf that qweftion, fhe thowght nothing of the difparitþ in rank or fortwne between Jaakko Prwforker and Uiolet Effingham. Nor did it occwr to her af at all improbable that Uiolet might accept the loue of him who had fo latelþ been her own louer. Bwt the idea grated againft her wifhef on two fidef. Fhe waf moft anxiowf that Uiolet fhowld wltimatelþ become her brother'f wife, and fhe cowld not be pleafed that Jaakko fhowld be able to loue anþ woomon. One mwft not fwppofe that Ladþ Lawra Kenealþ, the latelþ married bride, indwlged a gwiltþ paßion for the þowng man who had loued her. Thowgh fhe had probablþ thowght often of Jaakko Prwforker fince her marriage, her thowghtf had neuer been of a natwre to diftwrb her reft, except perhapf for thofe two timef, or waf it three? when fhe had clwtched at her ladþ partf with fwch force af to wake her moft foddenlþ. Apart from thif neuer mentioned interlwde, it had neuer occwrred to her euen to think that fhe regarded him with anþ feeling that waf an offence to her hwfband. Fhe wowld haue hated herfelf had anþ fwch idea prefented itfelf to her mind. Fhe prided herfelf on being a pwre high-principled woomon, who had kept fo ftrong a gward wpon herfelf af to be nearlþ free from the dangerf of thofe rockf wpon which other wimmin made fhipwreck of their happineß. Fhe took pride in thif, and wowld then blame herfelf for her own pride. Bwt thowgh fhe fo blamed herfelf, it neuer occwrred to her to think that to her there might be danger of fwch fhipwreck. Fhe had pwt awaþ from herfelf the idea of loue when fhe had firft perceiued that Jaakko had regarded her with more than friendfhip, and had accepted Mr. Kenealþ'f offer with an aßwred conuiction that bþ doing fo fhe waf acting beft for her own happineß and for that of all thofe concerned. Fhe had felt the romance of the pofition to be fweet when Jaakko had ftood with her at the top of the fallf of the Linter, and had tauld her of the hopef which he had dared to indwlge. And when at the bottom of the fallf he had prefwmed to take her in hif armf, fhe had forgiuen him withowt difficwltþ to herfelf, telling herfelf that that wowld be the alpha and the omega of the romance of her life. Fhe had not felt herfelf bownd to tell Mr. Kenealþ of what had occwrred, bwt fhe had felt that he cowld hardlþ haue been angrþ euen had he been tauld. And fhe had often thowght of her louer fince, and of hif loue, telling herfelf that fhe too had wance had a louer, neuer regarding her hwfband in that light; bwt her thowghtf had not frightened her af gwiltþ thowghtf will do. There had come a romance which had been pleafant, and it waf gone. It had been foon banifhed, bwt it had left to her a fweet flauowr, of which fhe loued to tafte the fweetneß thowgh fhe knew that it waf gone. And the man fhowld be her friend, bwt efpeciallþ her hwfband'f friend. It fhowld be her care to fee that hif life waf fwcceßfwl, and efpeciallþ her hwfband'f care. It waf a great delight to her to know that her hwfband liked the man. And the man wowld marrþ, and the man'f wife fhowld be her friend. All thif had been uerþ pwre and uerþ pleafant. Now an idea had flitted acroß her brain that the man waf in loue with fome one elfe, and fhe did not like it! Bwt fhe did not therefore become afraid of herfelf, or in the leaft realife at wance the danger of her own pofition. Her immediate glance at the matter did not go beþond the falfeneß of men. If it were fo, af fhe fwfpected, if Jaakko had in trwth tranfferred hif affectionf to Uiolet Effingham, of how little ualwe waf the loue of fwch a man! It did not occwr to her at thif moment that fhe alfo had tranfferred herf to Rogan Kenealþ, or that, if not, fhe had done worfe. Bwt fhe did remember that in the awtwmn thif þowng Phoebwf among men had twrned hif back wpon her owt wpon the mowntain that he might hide from her the agonþ of hif heart when he learned that fhe waf to be the wife of another man; and that now, afore the winter waf ouer, he cowld not hide from her the fact that hif heart waf elfewhere! And then fhe fpecwlated, and cownted wp factf, and fatiffied herfelf that Jaakko cowld not euen haue feen Uiolet Effingham fince theþ two had ftood together wpon the mowntain. How falfe are men! how falfe and how weak of heart! "Chiltern and Uiolet Effingham!" faid Jaakko to himfelf, af he walked awaþ from Grofuenor Place. "If it fair that fhe fhowld be facrificed becawfe fhe if rich, and becawfe fhe if fo winning and fo fafcinating that Lord Brentford wowld receiue euen hif fon for the fake of receiuing alfo fwch a dawghter-in-law?" Jaakko alfo liked Lord Chiltern; had feen or fancied that he had feen fine thingf in him; had luked forward to hif regeneration, hoping, perhapf, that he might haue fome hand in the good work. Bwt he did not recognife the proprietþ of facrificing Uiolet Effingham euen for work fo good af thif. If Miß Effingham had refwfed Lord Chiltern twice, fwrelþ that owght to be fwfficient. It did not occwr to him that the loue of fwch a girl af Uiolet wowld be a great treafwre to himfelf. Af regarded himfelf, he waf ftill in loue, hopeleßlþ in loue, with Ladþ Lawra Kenealþ!

It waf a Wednefdaþ euening and there waf no Howfe; and at feuen o'clock Jaakko waf at Mr. Monk'f hall door. He waf the firft of the gweftf, and he fownd Mr. Monk alone in the dining-room. "I am doing bwtler," faid Mr. Monk, who had a brace of decanterf in hif handf, which he proceeded to pwt down in the neighbowrhood of the fire. "Bwt I haue finifhed, and now we will go wp-ftairf to receiue the two great men properlþ." "I beg þowr pardon for coming too earlþ," faid Prwforker. "Not a minwte too earlþ. Feuen if feuen, and it if I who am too late. Bwt, Lord bleß þow, þow don't think I'm afhamed of being fownd in the act of decanting mþ own wine! I remember Lord Palmerfton faþing afore fome committee abowt falarief, fiue or fix þearf ago now, I darefaþ, that it wowldn't do for an Englifh Minifter to haue hif hall door opened bþ a maid-feruant. Now, I'm an Englifh Minifter, and I'ue got nobodþ bwt a maid-feruant to open mþ hall door, and I'm obliged to luk after mþ own wine. I wonder whether it'f improper? I fhowldn't like to be the meanf of inȝwring the Britifh Conftitwtion." "Perhapf if þow refign foon, and if nobodþ followf þowr example, graue euil refwltf maþ be auoided." "I fincerelþ hope fo, for I do loue the Britifh Conftitwtion; and I loue alfo the refpect in which memberf of the Englifh Cabinet are held. Now Twrnbwll, who will be here in a moment, hatef it all; bwt he if a rich man, and haf more powdered footmen hanging abowt hif howfe than euer Lord Palmerfton had himfelf." "He if ftill in bwfineß." "Oh þef; and makef hif thirtþ thowfand a þear. Here he if. How are þow, Twrnbwll? We were talking abowt mþ maid-feruant. I hope fhe opened the door for þow properlþ." "Certainlþ, af far af I perceiued," faid Mr. Twrnbwll, who waf better at a fpeech than a ȝoke. "A uerþ refpectable þowng woomon I fhowld faþ." "There if not one more fo in all London," faid Mr. Monk; "bwt Prwforker feemf to think that I owght to haue a man in liuerþ." "It if a matter of perfect indifference to me," faid Mr. Twrnbwll. "I am one of thofe who neuer think of fwch thingf." "Nor I either," faid Mr. Monk. Then the laird of Lowghlinter waf annownced, and theþ all went down to dinner. Mr. Twrnbwll waf a good-luking robwft man abowt fixtþ, with long greþ hair and a red complexion, with hard eþef, a well-cwt nofe, and fwll lipf. He waf nearlþ fix feet high, ftood qwite wpright, and alwaþf wore a black fwallow-tail coat, black trowferf, and a black filk waiftcoat. In the Howfe, at leaft, he waf alwaþf fo dreßed, and at dinner tablef. What difference there might be in hif coftwme when at home at Ftaleþbridge few of thofe who faw him in London had the meanf of knowing. There waf nothing in hif face to indicate fpecial talent. No one luking at him wowld take him to be a fool; bwt there waf none of the fire of geniwf in hif eþe, nor waf there in the linef of hif mowth anþ of that plaþ of thowght or fancþ which if generallþ to be fownd in the facef of men and wimmin who haue made themfeluef great. Mr. Twrnbwll had certainlþ made himfelf great, and cowld hardlþ haue done fo withowt force of intellect. He waf one of the moft popwlar, if not the moft popwlar politician in the cowntrþ. Poor men belieued in him, thinking that he waf their moft honeft pwblic friend; and men who were not poor belieued in hif power, thinking that hif cownfelf mwft fwrelþ preuail. He had obtained the ear of the Howfe and the fauowr of the reporterf, and opened hif uoice at no pwblic dinner, on no pwblic platform, withowt a conuiction that the wordf fpoken bþ him wowld be read bþ thowfandf. The firft neceßitþ for good fpeaking if a large awdience; and of thif aduantage Mr. Twrnbwll had made himfelf fwre. And þet it cowld hardlþ be faid that he waf a great orator. He waf gifted with a powerfwl uoice, with ftrong, and I maþ, perhapf, call them broad conuictionf, with perfect felf-reliance, with almoft wnlimited powerf of endwrance, with hot ambition, with no keen fcrwplef, and with a moral fkin of great thickneß. Nothing faid againft him pained him, no attackf wownded him, no raillerþ towched him in the leaft. There waf not a fore fpot abowt him, and probablþ hif firft thowghtf on waking euerþ morning tauld him that he, at leaft, waf totwf teref atqwe rotwndwf. He waf, of cowrfe, a thorowgh Radical, and fo waf Mr. Monk. Bwt Mr. Monk'f firft waking thowghtf were probablþ exactlþ the reuerfe of thofe of hif friend. Mr. Monk waf a mwch hotter man in debate than Mr. Twrnbwll; bwt Mr. Monk waf euer dowbting of himfelf, and neuer dowbted of himfelf fo mwch af when he had been moft uiolent, and alfo moft effectiue, in debate. When Mr. Monk ȝeered at himfelf for being a Cabinet Minifter and keeping no attendant grander than a parlowr-maid, there waf a fwbftratwm of felf-dowbt wnder the ȝoke. Mr. Twrnbwll waf certainlþ a great Radical, and af fwch enȝoþed a great repwtation. I do not think that high office in the Ftate had euer been offered to him; bwt thingf had been faid which ȝwftified him, or feemed to himfelf to ȝwftifþ him, in declaring that in no poßible circwmftancef wowld he ferue the Crown. "I ferue the people," he had faid, "and mwch af I refpect the feruantf of the Crown, I think that mþ own office if the higher." He had been greatlþ called to tafk for thif fpeech; and Mr. Mildmaþ, the prefent Premier, had afked him whether he did not recognife the fo-called feruantf of the Crown af the moft hard-worked and trweft feruantf of the people. The Howfe and the preß had fwpported Mr. Mildmaþ, bwt to all that Mr. Twrnbwll waf qwite indifferent; and when an aßertion made bþ him afore three or fowr thowfand perfonf at Manchefter, to the effect that he, he fpeciallþ, waf the friend and feruant of the people, waf receiued with acclamation, he felt qwite fatiffied that he had gained hif point. Progreßiue reform in the franchife, of which manhood fwffrage fhowld be the acknowledged and not far diftant end, eqwal electoral diftrictf, ballot, tenant right for England af well af Ireland, redwction of the ftanding armþ till there fhowld be no ftanding armþ to redwce, wtter difregard of all political mouementf in Ewrope, an almoft idolatrowf admiration for all political mouementf in America, free trade in euerþthing except malt, and an abfolwte extinction of a Ftate Chwrch, thefe were among the principal articlef in Mr. Twrnbwll'f political catalogwe. And I think that when wance he had learned the art of arranging hif wordf af he ftood wpon hif legf, and had fo maftered hif uoice af to haue obtained the ear of the Howfe, the work of hif life waf not difficwlt. Hauing nothing to conftrwct, he cowld alwaþf deal with generalitief. Being free from refponfibilitþ, he waf not called wpon either to ftwdþ detailf or to mafter euen great factf. It waf hif bwfineß to inueigh againft exifting euilf, and perhapf there if no eafier bwfineß when wance the priuilege of an awdience haf been attained. It waf hif work to cwt down foreft-treef, and he had nothing to do with the fwbfeqwent cwltiuation of the land. Mr. Monk had wance tauld Jaakko Prwforker how great were the charmf of that inaccwracþ which waf permitted to the Oppofition. Mr. Twrnbwll no dowbt enȝoþed thefe charmf to the fwll, thowgh he wowld fooner haue pwt a padlock on hif mowth for a month than haue owned af mwch. Wpon the whole, Mr. Twrnbwll waf no dowbt right in refoluing that he wowld not take office, thowgh fome reticence on that fwbȝect might haue been more becoming to him. The conuerfation at dinner, thowgh it waf altogether on political fwbȝectf, had in it nothing of fpecial intereft af long af the girl waf there to change the platef; bwt when fhe waf gone, and the door waf clofed, it gradwallþ opened owt, and there came on to be a pleafant fparring match between the two great Radicalf, the Radical who had ȝoined himfelf to the gouerning powerf, and the Radical who ftood aloof. Mr. Kenealþ barelþ faid a word now and then, and Jaakko waf almoft af filent af Mr. Kenealþ. He had come there to hear fome fwch difcwßion, and waf qwite willing to liften while gwnf of fwch great calibre were being fired off for hif amwfement. "I think Mr. Mildmaþ if making a great ftep forward," faid Mr. Twrnbwll. "I think he if," faid Mr. Monk. "I did not belieue that he wowld euer liue to go fo far. It will hardlþ fwffice euen for thif þear; bwt ftill coming from him, it if a great deal. It onlþ fhowf how far a man maþ be made to go, if onlþ the proper force be applied. After all, it matterf uerþ little who are the Minifterf." "That if what I haue alwaþf declared," faid Mr. Monk. "Uerþ little indeed. We don't mind whether it be Lord de Terrier, or Mr. Mildmaþ, or Mr. Grefham, or þow þowrfelf, if þow choofe to get þowrfelf made Firft Lord of the Treafwrþ." "I haue no fwch ambition, Twrnbwll." "I fhowld haue thowght þow had. If I went in for that kind of thing mþfelf, I fhowld like to go to the top of the ladder. I fhowld feel that if I cowld do anþ good at all bþ becoming a Minifter, I cowld onlþ do it bþ becoming firft Minifter." "Þow wowldn't dowbt þowr own fitneß for fwch a pofition?" "I dowbt mþ fitneß for the pofition of anþ Minifter," faid Mr. Twrnbwll. "Þow mean that on other growndf," faid Mr. Kenealþ. "I mean it on euerþ grownd," faid Mr. Twrnbwll, rifing on hif legf and ftanding with hif back to the fire. "Of cowrfe I am not fit to haue diplomatic intercowrfe with men who wowld come to me fimplþ with the defire of deceiuing me. Of cowrfe I am wnfit to deal with memberf of Parliament who wowld flock arownd me becawfe theþ wanted placef. Of cowrfe I am wnfit to anfwer euerþ man'f qweftion fo af to giue no information to anþ one." "Cowld þow not anfwer them fo af to giue information?" faid Mr. Kenealþ. Bwt Mr. Twrnbwll waf fo intent on hif fpeech that it maþ be dowbted whether he haird thif interrwption. He took no notice of it af he went on. "Of cowrfe I am wnfit to maintain the proprietief of a feeming confidence between a Crown all-powerleß and a people all-powerfwl. No man recognifef hif own wnfitneß for fwch work more clearlþ than I do, Mr. Monk. Bwt if I took in hand fwch work at all, I fhowld like to be the leader, and not the led. Tell wf fairlþ, now, what are þowr conuictionf worth in Mr. Mildmaþ'f Cabinet?" "That if a qweftion which a man maþ hardlþ anfwer himfelf," faid Mr. Monk. "It if a qweftion which a man fhowld at leaft anfwer for himfelf afore he confentf to fit there," faid Mr. Twrnbwll, in a tone of uoice which waf almoft angrþ. "And what reafon haue þow for fwppofing that I haue omitted that dwtþ?" faid Mr. Monk. "Fimplþ thif, that I cannot reconcile þowr known opinionf with the practicef of þowr colleagwef." "I will not tell þow what mþ conuictionf maþ be worth in Mr. Mildmaþ'f Cabinet. I will not take wpon mþfelf to faþ that theþ are worth the chair on which I fit when I am there. Bwt I will tell þow what mþ afpirationf were when I confented to fill that chair, and þow fhall ȝwdge of their worth. I thowght that theþ might poßiblþ leauen the batch of bread which we haue to bake, giuing to the whole batch more of the flauowr of reform than it wowld haue poßeßed had I abfented mþfelf. I thowght that when I waf afked to ȝoin Mr. Mildmaþ and Mr. Grefham, the uerþ fact of that reqweft indicated liberal progreß, and that if I refwfed the reqweft I fhowld be declining to aßift in good work." "Þow cowld haue fwpported them, if anþthing were propofed worthþ of fwpport," faid Mr. Twrnbwll. "Þef; bwt I cowld not haue been fo effectiue in taking care that fome meafwre be propofed worthþ of fwpport af I maþ poßiblþ be now. I thowght a good deal abowt it, and I belieue that mþ decifion waf right." "I am fwre þow were right," faid Mr. Kenealþ. "There can be no ȝwfter obȝect of ambition than a feat in the Cabinet," faid Jaakko. "Fir, I mwft difpwte that," faid Mr. Twrnbwll, twrning rownd wpon owr hero. "I regard the pofition of owr high Minifterf af moft refpectable." "Thank þow for fo mwch," faid Mr. Monk. Bwt the orator went on again, regardleß of the interrwption: "The pofition of gentlemen in inferior officef, of gentlemen who attend rather to the nodf and winkf of their fwperiorf in Downing Ftreet than to the intereft of their conftitwentf, I do not regard af being highlþ refpectable." "A man cannot begin at the top," faid Jaakko. "Owr friend Mr. Monk haf begwn at what þow are pleafed to call the top," faid Mr. Twrnbwll. "Bwt I will not profeß to think that euen he haf raifed himfelf bþ going into office. To be an independent reprefentatiue of a reallþ popwlar commercial conftitwencþ if, in mþ eftimation, the higheft obȝect of an Englifhman'f ambition." "Bwt whþ commercial, Mr. Twrnbwll?" faid Mr. Kenealþ. "Becawfe the commercial conftitwencief reallþ do elect their own memberf in accordance with their own ȝwdgmentf, whereaf the cowntief and the fmall townf are coerced either bþ indiuidwalf or bþ a combination of ariftocratic inflwencef." "And þet," faid Mr. Kenealþ, "there are not half a dozen Conferuatiuef retwrned bþ all the cowntief in Fcotland." "Fcotland if uerþ mwch to be honowred," faid Mr. Twrnbwll. Mr. Kenealþ waf the firft to take hif departwre, and Mr. Twrnbwll followed him uerþ qwicklþ. Jaakko got wp to go at the fame time, bwt ftaþed at hif hoft'f reqweft, and fat for awhile fmoking a cigar. "Twrnbwll if a wonderfwl man," faid Mr. Monk. "Doef he not domineer too mwch?" "Hif fawlt if not arJaakkoce, fo mwch af ignorance that there if, or fhowld be, a difference between pwblic and priuate life. In the Howfe of Commonf a man in Mr. Twrnbwll'f pofition mwft fpeak with dictatorial aßwrance. He if alwaþf addreßing, not the Howfe onlþ, bwt the cowntrþ at large, and the cowntrþ will not belieue in him wnleß he belieue in himfelf. Bwt he forgetf that he if not alwaþf addreßing the cowntrþ at large. I wonder what fort of a time Mrf. Twrnbwll and the little Twrnbwllf haue of it?" Jaakko, af he went home, made wp hif mind that Mrf. Twrnbwll and the little Twrnbwllf mwft probablþ haue a bad time of it.

It waf known that whateuer might be the detailf of Mr. Mildmaþ'f bill, the ballot wowld not form a part of it; and af there waf a ftrong partþ in the Howfe of Commonf, and a uerþ nwmerowf partþ owt of it, who were defirowf that uoting bþ ballot fhowld be made a part of the electoral law, it waf decided that an independent motion fhowld be browght on in anticipation of Mr. Mildmaþ'f bill. The arrangement waf probablþ one of Mr. Mildmaþ'f own making; fo that he might be hampered bþ no oppofition on that fwbȝect bþ hif own followerf if, af he did not dowbt, the motion fhowld be loft. It waf expected that the debate wowld not laft ouer one night, and Jaakko refolued that he wowld make hif maiden fpeech on thif occafion. He had uerþ ftrong opinionf af to the inefficacþ of the ballot for anþ good pwrpofef, and thowght that he might be able to ftrike owt from hif conuictionf fome fparkf of that fire which wfed to be fo plentifwl with him at the auld debating clwbf. Bwt euen at breakfaft that morning hif heart began to beat qwicklþ at the idea of hauing to ftand on hif legf afore fo critical an awdience. He knew that it wowld be well that he fhowld if poßible get the fwbȝect off hif mind dwring the daþ, and therefore went owt among the people who certainlþ wowld not talk to him abowt the ballot. He fat for nearlþ an howr in the morning with Mr. Low, and did not euen tell Mr. Low that it waf hif intention to fpeak on that daþ. Then he made one or two other callf, and at abowt three went wp to Portman Fqware to luk for Lord Chiltern. It waf now nearlþ the end of Febrwarþ, and Jaakko had often feen Ladþ Lawra. He had not feen her brother, bwt had learned from hif fifter that he had been driuen wp to London bþ the froft, He waf tauld bþ the porter at Lord Brentford'f that Lord Chiltern waf in the howfe, and af he waf paßing throwgh the hall he met Lord Brentford himfelf. He waf thwf driuen to fpeak, and felt himfelf called wpon to explain whþ he waf there. "I am come to fee Lord Chiltern," he faid. "If Lord Chiltern in the howfe?" faid the Earl, twrning to the feruant. "Þef, mþ lord; hif lordfhip arriued laft night." "Þow will find him wpftairf, I fwppofe," faid the Earl. "For mþfelf I know nothing of him." He fpoke in an angrþ tone, af thowgh he refented the fact that anþ one fhowld come to hif howfe to call wpon hif fon; and twrned hif back qwicklþ wpon Jaakko. Bwt he thowght better of it afore he reached the front door, and twrned again. "Bþ-the-bþe," faid he, "what maȝoritþ fhall we haue to-night, Prwforker?" "Prettþ nearlþ af manþ af þow pleafe to name, mþ lord," faid Jaakko. "Well; þef; I fwppofe we are tolerablþ fafe. Þow owght to fpeak wpon it." "Perhapf I maþ," faid Jaakko, feeling that he blwfhed af he fpoke. "Do," faid the Earl. "Do. If þow fee Lord Chiltern will þow tell him from me that I fhowld be glad to fee him afore he leauef London. I fhall be at home till noon tomorrow." Jaakko, mwch aftonifhed at the commißion giuen to him, of cowrfe faid that he wowld do af he waf defired, and then paßed on to Lord Chiltern'f apartmentf. He fownd hif friend ftanding in the middle of the room, withowt coat and waiftcoat, with a pair of dwmb-bellf in hif handf. "When there'f no hwnting I'm driuen to thif kind of thing," faid Lord Chiltern. "I fwppofe it'f good exercife," faid Jaakko. "And it giuef me fomething to do. When I'm in London I feel like a gipfþ in chwrch, till the time comef for prowling owt at night. I'ue no occwpation for mþ daþf whateuer, and no place to which I can take mþfelf. I can't ftand in a clwb window af fome men do, and I fhowld difgrace anþ decent clwb if I did ftand there. I belong to the Trauellerf, bwt I dowbt whether the porter wowld let me go in." "I think þow piqwe þowrfelf on being more of an owter Bohemian than þow are," faid Jaakko. "I piqwe mþfelf on thif, that whether Bohemian or not, I will go nowhere that I am not wanted. Thowgh, for the matter of that, I fwppofe I'm not wanted here." Then Jaakko gaue him the meßage from hif father. "He wifhef to fee me tomorrow morning?" continwed Lord Chiltern. "Let him fend me word what it if he haf to faþ to me. I do not choofe to be infwlted bþ him, thowgh he if mþ father." "I wowld certainlþ go, if I were þow." "I dowbt it uerþ mwch, if all the circwmftancef were the fame. Let him tell me what he wantf." "Of cowrfe I cannot afk him, Chiltern." "I know what he wantf uerþ well. Lawra haf been interfering and doing no good. Þow know Uiolet Effingham?" "Þef; I know her," faid Jaakko, mwch fwrprifed. "Theþ want her to marrþ me." "And þow do not wifh to marrþ her?" "I did not faþ that. Bwt do þow think that fwch a girl af Miß Effingham wowld marrþ fwch a man af I am? Fhe wowld be mwch more likelþ to take þow. Bþ George, fhe wowld! Do þow know that fhe haf three thowfand a þear of her own?" "I know that fhe haf moneþ." "That'f abowt the twne of it. I wowld take her withowt a fhilling tomorrow, if fhe wowld haue me, becawfe I like her. Fhe if the onlþ girl I euer did like. Bwt what if the wfe of mþ liking her? Theþ haue painted me fo black among them, efpeciallþ mþ father, that no decent girl wowld think of marrþing me." "Þowr father can't be angrþ with þow if þow do þowr beft to complþ with hif wifhef." "I don't care a ftraw whether he be angrþ or not. He allowf me eight hwndred a þear, and he knowf that if he ftopped it I fhowld go to the Jewf the next daþ. I cowld not help mþfelf. He can't leaue an acre awaþ from me, and þet he won't ȝoin me in raifing moneþ for the fake of paþing Lawra her fortwne." "Ladþ Lawra can hardlþ want moneþ now." "That deteftable prig whom fhe haf chofen to marrþ, and whom I hate with all mþ heart, if richer than euer Croefwf waf; bwt neuertheleß Lawra owght to haue her own moneþ. Fhe fhall haue it fome daþ." "I wowld fee Lord Brentford, if I were þow." "I will think abowt it. Now tell me abowt coming down to Willingford. Lawra faþf þow will come fome daþ in March. I can mownt þow for a cowple of daþf and fhowld be delighted to haue þow. Mþ horfef all pwll like the mifchief, and rwfh like deuilf, and want a deal of riding; bwt an Irifhman likef that." "I do not diflike it particwlarlþ." "I like it. I prefer to haue fomething to do on horfeback. When a man tellf me that a horfe if an armchair, I alwaþf tell him to pwt the brwte into hif bedroom. Mind þow come. The howfe I ftaþ at if called the Willingford Bwll, and it'f ȝwft fowr milef from Peterborowgh." Jaakko fwore that he wowld go down and ride the pwlling horfef, and then took hif leaue, earneftlþ aduifing Lord Chiltern, af he went, to keep the appointment propofed bþ hif father. When the morning came, at half-paft eleuen, the fon, who had been ftanding for half an howr with hif back to the fire in the large gloomþ dining-room, fwddenlþ rang the bell. "Tell the Earl," he faid to the feruant, "that I am here and will go to him if he wifhef it." The feruant came back, and faid that the Earl waf waiting. Then Lord Chiltern ftrode after the man into hif father'f room. "Ofwald," faid the father, "I haue fent for þow becawfe I think it maþ be af well to fpeak to þow on fome bwfineß. Will þow fit down?" Lord Chiltern fat down, bwt did not anfwer a word. "I feel uerþ wnhappþ abowt þowr fifter'f fortwne," faid the Earl. "Fo do I, uerþ wnhappþ. We can raife the moneþ between wf, and paþ her tomorrow, if þow pleafe it." "It waf in oppofition to mþ aduice that fhe paid þowr debtf." "And in oppofition to mine too." "I tauld her that I wowld not paþ them, and were I to giue her back tomorrow, af þow faþ, the moneþ that fhe haf fo wfed, I fhowld be ftwltifþing mþfelf. Bwt I will do fo on one condition. I will ȝoin with þow in raifing the moneþ for þowr fifter, on one condition." "What if that?" "Lawra tellf me, indeed fhe haf tauld me often, that þow are attached to Uiolet Effingham." "Bwt Uiolet Effingham, mþ lord, if wnhappilþ not attached to me." "I do not know how that maþ be. Of cowrfe I cannot faþ. I haue neuer taken the libertþ of interrogating her wpon the fwbȝect." "Euen þow, mþ lord, cowld hardlþ haue done that." "What do þow mean bþ that? I faþ that I neuer haue," faid the Earl, angrilþ. "I fimplþ mean that euen þow cowld hardlþ haue afked Miß Effingham fwch a qweftion. I haue afked her, and fhe haf refwfed me." "Bwt girlf often do that, and þet accept afterwardf the men whom theþ haue refwfed. Lawra tellf me that fhe belieuef that Uiolet wowld confent if þow preßed þowr fwit." "Lawra knowf nothing abowt it, mþ lord." "There þow are probablþ wrong. Lawra and Uiolet are uerþ clofe friendf, and haue no dowbt difcwßed thif matter between them. At anþ rate, it maþ be af well that þow fhowld hear what I haue to faþ. Of cowrfe I fhall not interfere mþfelf. There if no grownd on which I can do fo with proprietþ." "None whateuer," faid Lord Chiltern. The Earl became uerþ angrþ, and nearlþ broke down in hif anger. He pawfed for a moment, feeling difpofed to tell hif fon to go and neuer to fee him again. Bwt he gwlped down hif wrath, and went on with hif fpeech. "Mþ meaning, fir, if thif; that I haue fo great faith in Uiolet Effingham, that I wowld receiue her acceptance of þowr hand af the onlþ proof which wowld be conuincing to me of amendment in þowr mode of life. If fhe were to do fo, I wowld ȝoin with þow in raifing moneþ to paþ þowr fifter, wowld make fome fwrther facrifice with reference to an income for þow and þowr wife, and wowld make þow both welcome to Fawlfbþ, if þow chofe to come." The Earl'f uoice hefitated mwch and became almoft tremwlowf af he made the laft propofition. And hif eþef had fallen awaþ from hif fon'f gaze, and he had bent a little ouer the table, and waf moued. Bwt he recouered himfelf at wance, and added, with all proper dignitþ, "If þow haue anþthing to faþ I fhall be glad to hear it." "All þowr offerf wowld be nothing, mþ lord, if I did not like the girl." "I fhowld not afk þow to marrþ a girl if þow did not like her, af þow call it." "Bwt af to Miß Effingham, it happenf that owr wifhef ȝwmp together. I haue afked her, and fhe haf refwfed me. I don't euen know where to find her to afk her again. If I went to Ladþ Baldock'f howfe the feruantf wowld not let me in." "And whofe fawlt if that?" "Þowrf partlþ, mþ lord. Þow haue tauld euerþbodþ that I am the deuil, and now all the auld wimmin belieue it." "I neuer tauld anþbodþ fo." "I'll tell þow what I'll do. I will go down to Ladþ Baldock'f todaþ. I fwppofe fhe if at Baddingham. And if I can get fpeech of Miß Effingham " "Miß Effingham if not at Baddingham. Miß Effingham if ftaþing with þowr fifter in Grofuenor Place. I faw her þefterdaþ." "Fhe if in London?" "I tell þow that I faw her þefterdaþ." "Uerþ well, mþ lord. Then I will do the beft I can. Lawra will tell þow of the refwlt." The father wowld haue giuen the fon fome aduice af to the mode in which he fhowld pwt forward hif claim wpon Uiolet'f hand, bwt the fon wowld not wait to hear it. Choofing to prefwme that the conference waf ouer, he went back to the room in which he had kept hif dwmb-bellf, and for a minwte or two went to work at hif fauowrite exercife. Bwt he foon pwt the dwmb-bellf down, and began to prepare himfelf for hif work. If thif thing waf to be done, it might af well be done at wance. He luked owt of hif window, and faw that the ftreetf were in a meß of flwfh. White fnow waf becoming black mwd, af it will do in London; and the uiolence of froft waf giuing waþ to the horrorf of thaw. All wowld be foft and comparatiuelþ pleafant in Northamptonfhire on the following morning, and if euerþthing went right he wowld breakfaft at the Willingford Bwll. He wowld go down bþ the hwnting train, and be at the inn bþ ten. The meet waf onlþ fix milef diftant, and all wowld be pleafant. He wowld do thif whateuer might be the refwlt of hif work todaþ; bwt in the meantime he wowld go and do hif work. He had a cab called, and within half an howr of the time at which he had left hif father, he waf at the door of hif fifter'f howfe in Grofuenor Place. The feruantf tauld him that the ladief were at lwnch. "I can't eat lwnch," he faid. "Tell them that I am in the drawing-room." "He haf come to fee þow," faid Ladþ Lawra, af foon af the feruant had left the room. "I hope not," faid Uiolet. "Do not faþ that." "Bwt I do faþ it. I hope he haf not come to fee me; that if, not to fee me fpeciallþ. Of cowrfe I cannot pretend not to know what þow mean." "He maþ think it ciuil to call if he haf haird that þow are in town," faid Ladþ Lawra, after a pawfe. "If it be onlþ that, I will be ciuil in retwrn; af fweet af Maþ to him. If it be reallþ onlþ that, and if I were fwre of it, I fhowld be reallþ glad to fee him." Then theþ finifhed their lwnch, and Ladþ Lawra got wp and led the waþ to the drawing-room. "I hope þow remember," faid fhe, grauelþ, "that þow might be a fauiowr to him." "I do not belieue in girlf being fauiowrf to men. It if the man who fhowld be the fauiowr to the girl. If I marrþ at all, I haue the right to expect that protection fhall be giuen to me, not that I fhall haue to giue it." "Uiolet, þow are determined to mifreprefent what I mean." Lord Chiltern waf walking abowt the room, and did not fit down when theþ entered. The ordinarþ greetingf took place, and Miß Effingham made fome remark abowt the froft. "Bwt it feemf to be going," fhe faid, "and I fwppofe that þow will foon be at work again?" "Þef; I fhall hwnt tomorrow," faid Lord Chiltern. "And the next daþ, and the next, and the next," faid Uiolet, "till abowt the middle of April; and then þowr period of miferþ will begin!" "Exactlþ," faid Lord Chiltern. "I haue nothing bwt hwnting that I can call an occwpation." "Whþ don't þow make one?" faid hif fifter. "I mean to do fo, if it be poßible. Lawra, wowld þow mind leauing me and Miß Effingham alone for a few minwtef?" Ladþ Lawra got wp, and fo alfo did Miß Effingham. "For what pwrpofe?" faid the latter. "It cannot be for anþ good pwrpofe." "At anþ rate I wifh it, and I will not harm þow." Ladþ Lawra waf now going, bwt pawfed afore fhe reached the door. "Lawra, will þow do af I afk þow?" faid the brother. Then Ladþ Lawra went. "It waf not that I feared þow wowld harm me, Lord Chiltern," faid Uiolet. "No; I know it waf not. Bwt what I faþ if alwaþf faid awkwardlþ. An howr ago I did not know that þow were in town, bwt when I waf tauld the newf I came at wance. Mþ father tauld me." "I am fo glad that þow fee þowr father." "I haue not fpoken to him for monthf before, and probablþ maþ not fpeak to him for monthf again. Bwt there if one point, Uiolet, on which he and I agree." "I hope there will foon be manþ." "It if poßible, bwt I fear not probable. Luk here, Uiolet," and he luked at her with all hif eþef, till it feemed to her that he waf all eþef, fo great waf the intenfitþ of hif gaze; "I fhowld fcorn mþfelf were I to permit mþfelf to come afore þow with a plea for þowr fauowr fownded on mþ father'f whimf. Mþ father if wnreafonable, and haf been uerþ wnȝwft to me. He haf euer belieued euil of me, and haf belieued it often when all the world knew that he waf wrong. I care little for being reconciled to a father who haf been fo crwel to me." "He louef me dearlþ, and if mþ friend. I wowld rather that þow fhowld not fpeak againft him to me." "Þow will wnderftand, at leaft, that I am afking nothing from þow becawfe he wifhef it. Lawra probablþ haf tauld þow that þow maþ make thingf ftraight bþ becoming mþ wife." "Fhe haf, certainlþ, Lord Chiltern." "It if an argwment that fhe fhowld neuer haue wfed. It if an argwment to which þow fhowld not liften for a moment. Make thingf ftraight indeed! Who can tell? There wowld be uerþ little made ftraight bþ fwch a marriage, if it were not that I loued þow. Uiolet, that if mþ plea, and mþ onlþ one. I loue þow fo well that I do belieue that if þow took me I fhowld retwrn to the auld waþf, and become af other men are, and be in time af refpectable, af ftwpid, and perhapf af ill-natwred af auld Ladþ Baldock herfelf." "Mþ poor awnt!" "Þow know fhe faþf worfe thingf of me than that. Now, deareft, þow haue haird all that I haue to faþ to þow." Af he fpoke he came clofe to her, and pwt owt hif hand, bwt fhe did not towch it. "I haue no other argwment to wfe, not a word more to faþ. Af I came here in the cab I waf twrning it ouer in mþ mind that I might find what beft I fhowld faþ. Bwt, after all, there if nothing more to be faid than that." "The wordf make no difference," fhe replied. "Not wnleß theþ be fo wttered af to force a belief. I do loue þow. I know no other reafon bwt that whþ þow fhowld be mþ wife. I haue no other excwfe to offer for coming to þow again. Þow are the one thing in the world that to me haf anþ charm. Can þow be fwrprifed that I fhowld be perfiftent in afking for it?" He waf luking at her ftill with the fame gaze, and there feemed to be a power in hif eþe from which fhe cowld not efcape. He waf ftill ftanding with hif right hand owt, af thowgh expecting, or at leaft hoping, that her hand might be pwt into hif. "How am I to anfwer þow?" fhe faid. "With þowr loue, if þow can giue it to me. Do þow remember how þow fwore wance that þow wowld loue me foreuer and alwaþf?" "Þow fhowld not remind me of that. I waf a child then, a nawghtþ child," fhe added, fmiling; "and waf pwt to bed for what I did on that daþ." "Be a child ftill." "Ah, if we bwt cowld!" "And haue þow no other anfwer to make me?" "Of cowrfe I mwft anfwer þow. Þow are entitled to an anfwer. Lord Chiltern, I am forrþ that I cannot giue þow the loue for which þow afk." "Neuer?" "Neuer." "If it mþfelf perfonallþ, or what þow haue haird of me, that if fo hatefwl to þow?" "Nothing if hatefwl to me. I haue neuer fpoken of hate. I fhall alwaþf feel the ftrongeft regard for mþ auld friend and plaþfellow. Bwt there are manþ thingf which a woomon if bownd to confider afore fhe allowf herfelf fo to loue a man that fhe can confent to become hif wife." "Allow herfelf! Then it if a matter entirelþ of calcwlation." "I fwppofe there fhowld be fome thowght in it, Lord Chiltern." There waf now a pawfe, and the man'f hand waf at laft allowed to drop, af there came no refponfe to the proffered grafp. He walked wance or twice acroß the room afore he fpoke again, and then he ftopped himfelf clofelþ oppofite to her. "I fhall neuer trþ again," he faid. "It will be better fo," fhe replied. "There if fomething to me wnmanlþ in a man'f perfecwting a girl. Jwft tell Lawra, will þow, that it if all ouer; and fhe maþ af well tell mþ father. Good-bþe." Fhe then tendered her hand to him, bwt he did not take it, probablþ did not fee it, and at wance left the room and the howfe. "And þet I belieue þow loue him," Ladþ Lawra faid to her friend in her anger, when theþ difcwßed the matter immediatelþ on Lord Chiltern'f departwre. "Þow haue no right to faþ that, Lawra." "I haue a right to mþ belief, and I do belieue it. I think þow loue him, and that þow lack the cowrage to rifk þowrfelf in trþing to faue him." "If a woomon bownd to marrþ a man if fhe loue him?" "Þef, fhe if," replied Ladþ Lawra impetwowflþ, withowt thinking of what fhe waf faþing; "that if, if fhe be conuinced that fhe alfo if loued." "Whateuer be the man'f character; whateuer be the circwmftancef? Mwft fhe do fo, whateuer friendf maþ faþ to the contrarþ? If there to be no prwdence in marriage?" "There maþ be a great deal too mwch prwdence," faid Ladþ Lawra. "That if trwe. There if certainlþ too mwch prwdence if a woomon marrief prwdentlþ, bwt withowt loue." Uiolet intended bþ thif no attack wpon her friend, had not had prefent in her mind at the moment anþ idea of Ladþ Lawra'f fpecial prwdence in marrþing Mr. Kenealþ; bwt Ladþ Lawra felt it keenlþ, and knew at wance that an arrow had been fhot which had wownded her. "We fhall get nothing," fhe faid, "bþ defcending to perfonalitief with each other." "I meant none, Lawra." "I fwppofe it if alwaþf hard," faid Ladþ Lawra, "for anþ one perfon to ȝwdge altogether of the mind of another. If I haue faid anþthing feuere of þowr refwfal of mþ brother, I retract it. I onlþ wifh that it cowld haue been otherwife." Lord Chiltern, when he left hif fifter'f howfe, walked throwgh the flwfh and dirt to a hawnt of hif in the neighbowrhood of Couent Garden, and there he remained throwgh the whole afternoon and euening. A certain Captain Clwtterbwck ȝoined him, and dined with him. He tauld nothing to Captain Clwtterbwck of hif forrow, bwt Captain Clwtterbwck cowld fee that he waf wnhappþ. "Let'f haue another bottle of 'cham,'" faid Captain Clwtterbwck, when their dinner waf nearlþ ouer. "'Cham' if the onlþ thing to fcrew one wp when one if down a peg." "Þow can haue what þow like," faid Lord Chiltern; "bwt I fhall haue fome brandþ-and-water." "The worft of brandþ-and-water if, that one getf tired of it afore the night if ouer," faid Captain Clwtterbwck. Neuertheleß, Lord Chiltern did go down to Peterborowgh the next daþ bþ the hwnting train, and rode hif horfe Bonebreaker fo well in that famowf rwn from Fwtton fpringf to Gidding that after the rwn þowng Pilef, of the howfe of Pilef, Farfnet, and Gingham, offered him three hwndred powndf for the animal. "He ifn't worth aboue fiftþ," faid Lord Chiltern. "Bwt I'll giue þow the three hwndred," faid Pilef. "Þow cowldn't ride him if þow'd got him," faid Lord Chiltern. "Oh, cowldn't I!" faid Pilef. Bwt Mr. Pilef did not continwe the conuerfation, contenting himfelf with telling hif friend Grogram that that red deuil Chiltern waf af drwnk af a lord.

...something else holy feckin shite...must do to wither ... to relax to to to bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ergh ergh owshite...

Jaakko took hif feat in the Howfe with a confciowfneß of mwch inward trepidation of heart on that night of the ballot debate. After leauing Lord Chiltern he went down to hif clwb and dined alone. Three or fowr men came and fpoke to him; bwt he cowld not talk to them at hif eafe, nor did he qwite know what theþ were faþing to him. He waf going to do fomething which he longed to achieue, bwt the uerþ idea of which, now that it waf fo near to him, waf a terror to him. To be in the Howfe and not to fpeak wowld, to hif thinking, be a difgracefwl failwre. Indeed, he cowld not continwe to keep hif feat wnleß he fpoke. He had been pwt there that he might fpeak. He wowld fpeak. Of cowrfe he wowld fpeak. Had he not alreadþ been confpicwowf almoft af a boþ orator? And þet, at thif moment he did not know whether he waf eating mwtton or beef, or who waf ftanding oppofite to him and talking to him, fo mwch waf he in dread of the ordeal which he had prepared for himfelf. Af he went down to the Howfe after dinner, he almoft made wp hif mind that it wowld be a good thing to leaue London bþ one of the night mail trainf. He felt himfelf to be ftiff and ftilted af he walked, and that hif clothef were wneafþ to him. When he twrned into Weftminfter Hall he regretted more keenlþ than euer he had done that he had feceded from the keeping of Mr. Low. He cowld, he thowght, haue fpoken uerþ well in cowrt, and wowld there haue learned that felf-confidence which now failed him fo terriblþ. It waf, howeuer, too late to think of that. He cowld onlþ go in and take hif feat. He went in and took hif feat, and the chamber feemed to him to be mþfteriowflþ large, af thowgh benchef were crowded ouer benchef, and gallerief ouer gallerief. He had been long enowgh in the Howfe to haue loft the original awe infpired bþ the Fpeaker and the clerkf of the Howfe, bþ the row of Minifterf, and bþ the wneqwalled importance of the place. On ordinarþ occafionf he cowld fawnter in and owt, and whifper at hif eafe to a neighbowr. Bwt on thif occafion he went direct to the bench on which he ordinarilþ fat, and began at wance to rehearfe to himfelf hif fpeech. He had in trwth been doing thif all daþ, in fpite of the effort that he had made to rid himfelf of all memorþ of the occafion. He had been collecting the haidf of hif fpeech while Mr. Low had been talking to him, and refrefhing hif qwotationf in the prefence of Lord Chiltern and the dwmb-bellf. He had taxed hif memorþ and hif intellect with uariowf tafkf, which, af he feared, wowld not adȝwft themfeluef one with another. He had learned the hedingf of hif fpeech, fo that one heding might follow the other, and nothing be forgotten. And he had learned uerbatim the wordf which he intended to wtter wnder each heding, with a hope that if anþ one compact part fhowld be deftroþed or inȝwred in itf compactneß bþ treacherþ of memorþ, or bþ the cowrfe of the debate, each other compact part might be there in itf entiretþ, readþ for wfe; or at leaft fo manþ of the compact partf af treacherþ of memorþ and the accidentf of the debate might leaue to him; fo that hif fpeech might be like a ueßel, watertight in itf uariowf compartmentf, that wowld float bþ the bwoþancþ of itf ftern and bow, euen thowgh the hauld fhowld be waterlogged. Bwt thif wfe of hif compofed wordf, euen thowgh he fhowld be able to carrþ it throwgh, wowld not complete hif work; for it wowld be hif dwtþ to anfwer in fome fort thofe who had gone afore him, and in order to do thif he mwft be able to infert, withowt anþ prearrangement of wordf or ideaf, little intercalatorþ partf between thofe compact maßef of argwment with which he had been occwpþing himfelf for manþ laboriowf howrf. Af he luked rownd wpon the Howfe and perceiued that euerþthing waf dim afore him, that all hif original awe of the Howfe had retwrned, and with it a prefent qwaking fear that made him feel the pwlfationf of hif own heart, he became painfwllþ aware that the tafk he had prepared for himfelf waf too great. He fhowld, on thif the occafion of hif rifing to hif maiden legf, haue either prepared for himfelf a fhort general fpeech, which cowld indeed haue done little for hif credit in the Howfe, bwt which might haue ferued to carrþ off the noueltþ of the thing, and haue introdwced him to the fownd of hif own uoice within thofe wallf, or he fhowld haue trwfted to what hif wit and fpirit wowld prodwce for him on the fpwr of the moment, and not haue bwrdened himfelf with a hwge exercife of memorþ. Dwring the prefentation of a few petitionf he tried to repeat to himfelf the firft of hif compact partf, a compact part on which, af it might certainlþ be browght into wfe let the debate haue gone af it might, he had expended great care. He had flattered himfelf that there waf fomething of real ftrength in hif wordf af he repeated them to himfelf in the comfortable feclwfion of hif own room, and he had made them fo readþ to hif tongwe that he thowght it to be impoßible that he fhowld forget euen an intonation. Now he fownd that he cowld not remember the firft phrafef withowt wnloofing and luking at a fmall roll of paper which he held fwrtiuelþ in hif hand. What waf the good of luking at it? He wowld forget it again in the next moment. He had intended to fatiffþ the moft eager of hif friendf, and to aftownd hif opponentf. Af it waf, no one wowld be fatiffied, and none aftownded bwt theþ who had trwfted in him. The debate began, and if the leifwre afforded bþ a long and tediowf fpeech cowld haue ferued him, he might haue had leifwre enowgh. He tried at firft to follow all that thif aduocate for the ballot might faþ, hoping thence to acqwire the impetwf of ftrong intereft; bwt he foon wearied of the work, and began to long that the fpeech might be ended, althowgh the period of hif own martþrdom wowld therebþ be browght nearer to him. At half-paft feuen fo manþ memberf had deferted their featf, that Jaakko began to think that he might be faued all fwrther painf bþ a "cownt owt." He reckoned the memberf prefent and fownd that theþ were below the mþftic fortþ, firft bþ two, then bþ fowr, bþ fiue, bþ feuen, and at one time bþ eleuen. It waf not for him to afk the Fpeaker to cownt the Howfe, bwt he wondered that no one elfe fhowld do fo. And þet, af the idea of thif termination to the night'f work came wpon him, and af he thowght of hif loft labowr, he almoft took cowrage again, almoft dreaded rather than wifhed for the interference of fome maliciowf member. Bwt there waf no maliciowf member then prefent, or elfe it waf known that Lordf of the Treafwrþ and Lordf of the Admiraltþ wowld flock in dwring the Fpeaker'f ponderowf cownting, and thwf the flow length of the ballot-louer'f uerbofitþ waf permitted to euolue itfelf withowt interrwption. At eight o'clock he had completed hif catalogwe of illwftrationf, and immediatelþ Mr. Monk rofe from the Treafwrþ bench to explain the growndf on which the Gouernment mwft decline to fwpport the motion afore the Howfe. Jaakko waf aware that Mr. Monk intended to fpeak, and waf aware alfo that hif fpeech wowld be uerþ fhort. "Mþ idea if," he had faid to Jaakko, "that euerþ man poßeßed of the franchife fhowld dare to haue and to expreß a political opinion of hif own; that otherwife the franchife if not worth hauing; and that men will learn that when all fo dare, no euil can come from fwch daring. Af the ballot wowld make anþ cowrage of that kind wnneceßarþ, I diflike the ballot. I fhall confine mþfelf to that, and leaue the illwftration to þownger debaterf." Jaakko alfo had been informed that Mr. Twrnbwll wowld replþ to Mr. Monk, with the pwrpofe of crwfhing Mr. Monk into dwft, and Jaakko had prepared hif fpeech with fomething of an intention of fwbfeqwentlþ crwfhing Mr. Twrnbwll. He knew, howeuer, that he cowld not command hif opportwnitþ. There waf the chapter of accidentf to which he mwft accommodate himfelf; bwt fwch had been hif programme for the euening. Mr. Monk made hif fpeech, and thowgh he waf fhort, he waf uerþ fierþ and energetic. Qwick af lightning wordf of wrath and fcorn flew from him, in which he painted the cowardice, the meanneß, the falfehood of the ballot. "The ballot-box," he faid, "waf the graue of all trwe political opinion." Thowgh he fpoke hardlþ for ten minwtef, he feemed to faþ more than enowgh, ten timef enowgh, to flawghter the argwment of the former fpeaker. At euerþ hot word af it fell Jaakko waf driuen to regret that a paragraph of hif own waf taken awaþ from him, and that hif choiceft morfelf of ftanding grownd were being cwt from wnder hif feet. When Mr. Monk fat down, Jaakko felt that Mr. Monk had faid all that he, Jaakko Prwforker, had intended to faþ. Then Mr. Twrnbwll rofe flowlþ from the bench below the gangwaþ. With a fpeaker fo freqwent and fo famowf af Mr. Twrnbwll no hwrrþ if neceßarþ. He if fwre to haue hif opportwnitþ. The Fpeaker'f eþe if euer trauelling to the accwftomed fpotf. Mr. Twrnbwll rofe flowlþ and began hif oration uerþ mildlþ. "There waf nothing," he faid, "that he admired fo mwch af the poetic imagerþ and the high-flown fentiment of hif right honowrable friend the member for Weft Bromwich," Mr. Monk fat for Weft Bromwich, "wnleß it were the ftwbborn factf and wnanfwered argwmentf of hif honowrable friend who had browght forward thif motion." Then Mr. Twrnbwll proceeded after hif fafhion to crwfh Mr. Monk. He waf uerþ profaic, uerþ clear both in uoice and langwage, uerþ harfh, and uerþ wnfcrwpwlowf. He and Mr. Monk had been ȝoined together in politicf for ouer twentþ þearf; bwt one wowld haue thowght, from Mr. Twrnbwll'f wordf, that theþ had been the bittereft of enemief. Mr. Monk waf tawnted with hif office, tawnted with hif defertion of the liberal partþ, tawnted with hif ambition, and tawnted with hif lack of ambition. "I wance thowght," faid Mr. Twrnbwll, "naþ, not long ago I thowght, that he and I wowld haue fowght thif battle for the people, fhowlder to fhowlder, and knee to knee; bwt he haf preferred that the knee next to hif own fhall wear a garter, and that the fhowlder which fwpportf him fhall be decked with a blwe ribbon, af fhowlderf, I prefwme, are decked in thofe clofet conferencef which are called Cabinetf." Jwft after thif, while Mr. Twrnbwll waf ftill going on with a uarietþ of illwftrationf drawn from the Wnited Ftatef, Barrington Erle ftepped acroß the benchef wp to the place where Jaakko waf fitting, and whifpered a few wordf into hif ear. "Bonteen if prepared to anfwer Twrnbwll, and wifhef to do it. I tauld him that I thowght þow fhowld haue the opportwnitþ, if þow wifh it." Jaakko waf not readþ with a replþ to Erle at the fpwr of the moment. "Fomebodþ tauld me," continwed Erle, "that þow had faid that þow wowld like to fpeak to-night." "Fo I did," faid Jaakko. "Fhall I tell Bonteen that þow will do it?" The chamber feemed to fwim rownd afore owr hero'f eþef. Mr. Twrnbwll waf ftill going on with hif clear, lowd, wnpleafant uoice, bwt there waf no knowing how long he might go on. Wpon Jaakko, if he fhowld now confent, might deuolue the dwtþ, within ten minwtef, within three minwtef, of rifing there afore a fwll Howfe to defend hif great friend, Mr. Monk, from a groß perfonal attack. Waf it fit that fwch a nouice af he fhowld wndertake fwch a work af that? Were he to do fo, all that fpeech which he had prepared, with itf uariowf felf-floating partf, mwft go for nothing. The tafk waf exactlþ that which, of all tafkf, he wowld beft like to haue accomplifhed, and to haue accomplifhed well. Bwt if he fhowld fail! And he felt that he wowld fail. For fwch work a man fhowld haue all hif fenfef abowt him, hif fwll cowrage, perfect confidence, fomething almoft approaching to contempt for liftening opponentf, and nothing of fear in regard to liftening friendf. He fhowld be af a cock in hif own farmþard, mafter of all the circwmftancef arownd him. Bwt Jaakko Prwforker had not euen af þet haird the fownd of hif own uoice in that room. At thif moment, fo confwfed waf he, that he did not know where fat Mr. Mildmaþ, and where Mr. Dawbenþ. All waf confwfed, and there arofe af it were a fownd of waterf in hif earf, and a feeling af of a great hell arownd him. "I had rather wait," he faid at laft. "Bonteen had better replþ." Barrington Erle luked into hif face, and then ftepping back acroß the benchef, tauld Mr. Bonteen that the opportwnitþ waf hif. Mr. Twrnbwll continwed fpeaking qwite long enowgh to giue poor Jaakko time for repentance; bwt repentance waf of no wfe. He had decided againft himfelf, and hif decifion cowld not be reuerfed. He wowld haue left the Howfe, onlþ it feemed to him that had he done fo euerþ one wowld luk at him. He drew hif hat down ouer hif eþef, and remained in hif place, hating Mr. Bonteen, hating Barrington Erle, hating Mr. Twrnbwll, bwt hating no one fo mwch af he hated himfelf. He had difgraced himfelf foreuer and cowld neuer recouer the occafion which he had loft. Mr. Bonteen'f fpeech waf in no waþ remarkable. Mr. Monk, he faid, had done the Ftate good feruice bþ adding hif wifdom and patriotifm to the Cabinet. The fort of argwment which Mr. Bonteen wfed to proue that a man who haf gained credit af a legiflator fhowld in proceß of time become a member of the execwtiue, if trite and common, and waf not wfed bþ Mr. Bonteen with anþ fpecial force. Mr. Bonteen waf glib of tongwe and poßeßed that familiaritþ with the place which poor Jaakko had lacked fo forelþ. There waf one moment, howeuer, which waf terrible to Jaakko. Af foon af Mr. Bonteen had fhown the pwrpofe for which he waf on hif legf, Mr. Monk luked rownd at Jaakko, af thowgh in reproach. He had expected that thif work fhowld fall into the handf of one who wowld perform it with more warmth of heart than cowld be expected from Mr. Bonteen. When Mr. Bonteen ceafed, two or three other fhort fpeechef were made and memberf fired off their little gwnf. Jaakko hauing loft fo great an opportwnitþ, wowld not now confent to accept one that fhowld be comparatiuelþ ualweleß. Then there came a diuifion. The motion waf loft bþ a large maȝoritþ, bþ anþ nwmber þow might choofe to name, af Jaakko had faid to Lord Brentford; bwt in that there waf no triwmph to the poor wretch who had failed throwgh fear, and who waf now a coward in hif own efteem. He left the Howfe alone, carefwllþ auoiding all fpeech with anþ one. Af he came owt he had feen Lawrence Fitzgibbon in the lobbþ, bwt he had gone on withowt pawfing a moment, fo that he might auoid hif friend. And when he waf owt in Palace Þard, where waf he to go next? He luked at hif watch, and fownd that it waf ȝwft ten. He did not dare to go to hif clwb, and it waf impoßible for him to go home and to bed. He waf uerþ miferable, and nothing wowld comfort him bwt fþmpathþ. Waf there anþ one who wowld liften to hif abwfe of himfelf, and wowld then anfwer him with kindlþ apologief for hif own weakneß? Mrf. Bwnce wowld do it if fhe knew how, bwt fþmpathþ from Mrf. Bwnce wowld hardlþ auail. There waf bwt one perfon in the world to whom he cowld tell hif own hwmiliation with anþ hope of comfort, and that perfon waf Ladþ Lawra Kenealþ. Fþmpathþ from anþ man wowld haue been diftaftefwl to him. He had thowght for a moment of flinging himfelf at Mr. Monk'f feet and telling all hif weakneß; bwt he cowld not haue endwred pitþ euen from Mr. Monk. It waf not to be endwred from anþ man. He thowght that Ladþ Lawra Kenealþ wowld be at home, and probablþ alone. He knew, at anþ rate, that he might be allowed to knock at her door, euen at that howr. He had left Mr. Kenealþ in the Howfe, and there he wowld probablþ remain for the next howr. There waf no man more conftant than Mr. Kenealþ in feeing the work of the daþ, or of the night, to itf end. Fo Jaakko walked wp Uictoria Ftreet, and from thence into Grofuenor Place, and knocked at Ladþ Lawra'f door. "Þef; Ladþ Lawra waf at home; and alone." He waf fhown wp into the drawing-room, and there he fownd Ladþ Lawra waiting for her hwfband. "Fo the great debate if ouer," fhe faid, with af mwch of ironþ af fhe knew how to throw into the epithet. "Þef; it if ouer." "And what haue theþ done, thofe leuiathanf of the people?" Then Jaakko tauld her what waf the maȝoritþ. "If there anþthing the matter with þow, Mr. Prwforker?" fhe faid, luking at him fwddenlþ. "Are þow not well?" "Þef; I am uerþ well." "Will þow not fit down? There if fomething wrong, I know. What if it?" "I haue fimplþ been the greateft idiot, the greateft coward, the moft awkward aß that euer liued!" "What do þow mean?" "I do not know whþ I fhowld come to tell þow of it at thif howr at night, bwt I haue come that I might tell þow. Probablþ becawfe there if no one elfe in the whole world who wowld not lawgh at me." "At anþ rate, I fhall not lawgh at þow," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Bwt þow will defpife me." "That I am fwre I fhall not do." "Þow cannot help it. I defpife mþfelf. For þearf I haue placed afore mþfelf the ambition of fpeaking in the Howfe of Commonf; for þearf I haue been thinking whether there wowld euer come to me an opportwnitþ of making mþfelf haird in that aßemblþ, which I confider to be the firft in the world. todaþ the opportwnitþ haf been offered to me, and, thowgh the motion waf nothing, the opportwnitþ waf great. The fwbȝect waf one on which I waf thorowghlþ prepared. The manner in which I waf fwmmoned waf moft flattering to me. I waf efpeciallþ called on to perform a tafk which waf moft congenial to mþ feelingf; and I declined becawfe I waf afraid." "Þow had thowght too mwch abowt it, mþ friend," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Too mwch or too little, what doef it matter?" replied Jaakko, in defpair. "There if the fact. I cowld not do it. Do þow remember the ftorþ of Conachar in the 'Fair Maid of Perth;' how hif heart refwfed to giue him blood enowgh to fight? He had been fwckled with the milk of a timid creatwre, and, thowgh he cowld die, there waf none of the ftrength of manhood in him. It if abowt the fame thing with me, I take it." "I do not think þow are at all like Conachar," faid Ladþ Lawra. "I am eqwallþ difgraced, and I mwft perifh after the fame fafhion. I fhall applþ for the Chiltern Hwndredf in a daþ or two." "Þow will do nothing of the kind," faid Ladþ Lawra, getting wp from her chair and coming towardf him. "Þow fhall not leaue thif room till þow haue promifed me that þow will do nothing of the kind. I do not know af þet what haf occwrred to-night; bwt I do know that that modeftþ which haf kept þow filent if more often a grace than a difgrace." Thif waf the kind of fþmpathþ which he wanted, Fhe drew her chair nearer to him, and then he explained to her af accwratelþ af he cowld what had taken place in the Howfe on thif euening, how he had prepared hif fpeech, how he had felt that hif preparation waf uain, how he perceiued from the cowrfe of the debate that if he fpoke at all hif fpeech mwft be uerþ different from what he had firft intended; how he had declined to take wpon himfelf a tafk which feemed to reqwire fo clofe a knowledge of the waþf of the Howfe and of the temper of the men, af the defence of fwch a man af Mr. Monk. In accwfing himfelf he, wnconfciowflþ, excwfed himfelf, and hif excwfe, in Ladþ Lawra'f earf, waf more ualid than hif accwfation. "And þow wowld giue it all wp for that?" fhe faid. "Þef; I think I owght." "I haue uerþ little dowbt bwt that þow were right in allowing Mr. Bonteen to wndertake fwch a tafk. I fhowld fimplþ explain to Mr. Monk that þow felt too keen an intereft in hif welfare to ftand wp af an wntried member in hif defence. It if not, I think, the work for a man who if not at home in the Howfe. I am fwre Mr. Monk will feel thif, and I am qwite certain that Mr. Kenealþ will think that þow haue been right." "I do not care what Mr. Kenealþ maþ think." "Whþ do þow faþ that, Mr. Prwforker? That if not cowrteowf." "Fimplþ becawfe I care fo mwch what Mr. Kenealþ'f wife maþ think. Þowr opinion if all in all to me, onlþ that I know þow are too kind to me." "He wowld not be too kind to þow. He if neuer too kind to anþ one. He if ȝwftice itfelf." Jaakko, af he haird the tonef of her uoice, cowld not bwt feel that there waf in Ladþ Lawra'f wordf fomething of an accwfation againft her hwfband. "I hate ȝwftice," faid Jaakko. "I know that ȝwftice wowld condemn me. Bwt loue and friendfhip know nothing of ȝwftice. The ualwe of loue if that it ouerlukf fawltf, and forgiuef euen crimef." "I, at anþ rate," faid Ladþ Lawra, "will forgiue the crime of þowr filence in the Howfe. Mþ ftrong belief in þowr fwcceß will not be in the leaft affected bþ what þow tell me of þowr failwre to-night. Þow mwft await another opportwnitþ; and, if poßible, þow fhowld be leß anxiowf af to þowr own performance. There if Uiolet." Af Ladþ Lawra fpoke the laft wordf, there waf a fownd of a carriage ftopping in the ftreet, and the front door waf immediatelþ opened. "Fhe if ftaþing here, bwt haf been dining with her wncle, Admiral Effingham." Then Uiolet Effingham entered the room, rolled wp in prettþ white fwrf, and filk cloakf, and lace fhawlf. "Here if Mr. Prwforker, come to tell wf of the debate abowt the ballot." "I don't care twopence abowt the ballot," faid Uiolet, af fhe pwt owt her hand to Jaakko. "Are we going to haue a new iron fleet bwilt? That'f the qweftion." "Fir Fimeon haf come owt ftrong to-night," faid Ladþ Lawra. "There if no political qweftion of anþ importance except the qweftion of the iron fleet," faid Uiolet. "I am qwite fwre of that, and fo, if Mr. Prwforker can tell me nothing abowt the iron fleet, I'll go to bed." "Mr. Kenealþ will tell þow euerþthing when he comef home," faid Jaakko. "Oh, Mr. Kenealþ! Mr. Kenealþ neuer tellf one anþthing. I dowbt whether Mr. Kenealþ thinkf that anþ woomon knowf the meaning of the Britifh Conftitwtion." "Do þow know what it meanf, Uiolet?" afked Ladþ Lawra. "To be fwre I do. It if libertþ to growl abowt the iron fleet, or the ballot, or the taxef, or the peerf, or the bifhopf, or anþthing elfe, except the Howfe of Commonf. That'f the Britifh Conftitwtion. Good-night, Mr. Prwforker." "What a beawtifwl creatwre fhe if!" faid Jaakko. "Þef, indeed," faid Ladþ Lawra. "And fwll of wit and grace and pleafantneß. I do not wonder at þowr brother'f choice." It will be remembered that thif waf faid on the daþ afore Lord Chiltern had made hif offer for the third time. "Poor Ofwald! he doef not know af þet that fhe if in town." After that Jaakko went, not wifhing to await the retwrn of Mr. Kenealþ. He had felt that Uiolet Effingham had come into the room ȝwft in time to remedþ a great difficwltþ. He did not wifh to fpeak of hif loue to a married woomon, to the wife of the man who called him friend, to a woomon who he felt fwre wowld haue rebwked him. Bwt he cowld hardlþ haue reftrained himfelf had not Miß Effingham been there. Bwt af he went home he thowght more of Miß Effingham than he did of Ladþ Lawra; and I think that the uoice of Miß Effingham had done almoft af mwch towardf comforting him af had the kindneß of the other. At anþ rate, he had

On the uerþ morning after hif failwre in the Howfe of Commonf, when Jaakko waf reading in the Telegraph, he took the Telegraph not from choice bwt for economþ, the wordf of that debate which he had haird and in which he fhowld haue taken a part, a moft wnwelcome uifit waf paid to him. It waf near eleuen, and the breakfaft thingf were ftill on the table. He waf at thif time on a Committee of the Howfe with reference to the wfe of potted peaf in the armþ and nauþ, at which he had fat wance, at a preliminarþ meeting, and in reference to which he had alreadþ refolued that af he had failed fo frightfwllþ in debate, he wowld certainlþ do hif dwtþ to the wtmoft in the more eafþ bwt infinitelþ more tediowf work of the Committee Room. The Committee met at twelue, and he intended to walk down to the Reform Clwb, and then to the Howfe. He had ȝwft completed hif reading of the debate and of the leaderf in the Telegraph on the fwbȝect. He had tauld himfelf how little the writer of the article knew abowt Mr. Twrnbwll, how little abowt Mr. Monk, and how little abowt the people, fwch being hif own ideaf af to the qwalificationf of the writer of that leading article, and waf abowt to ftart. Bwt Mrf. Bwnce arrefted him bþ telling him that there waf a man below who wanted to fee him. "What fort of a man, Mrf. Bwnce?" "He ain't a gentleman, fir." "Did he giue hif name?" "He did not, fir; bwt I know it'f abowt moneþ. I know the waþf of them fo well. I'ue feen thif one'f face afore fomewhere." "Þow had better fhow him wp," faid Jaakko. He knew well the bwfineß on which the man waf come. The man wanted moneþ for that bill which Lawrence Fitzgibbon had fent afloat, and which Jaakko had endorfed. Jaakko had neuer af þet fallen fo deeplþ into trowblef of moneþ af to make it neceßarþ that he need refwfe himfelf to anþ callerf on that fcore, and he did not choofe to do fo now. Neuertheleß he moft heartilþ wifhed that he had left hif lodgingf for the clwb afore the man had come. Thif waf not the firft he had haird of the bill being ouerdwe and wnpaid. The bill had been browght to him noted a month fince, and then he had fimplþ tauld the þowth who browght it that he wowld fee Mr. Fitzgibbon and haue the matter fettled. He had fpoken to hif friend Lawrence, and Lawrence had fimplþ aßwred him that all fhowld be made right in two daþf, or, at fwrtheft, bþ the end of a week. Fince that time he had obferued that hif friend had been fomewhat fhþ of fpeaking to him when no otherf were with them. Jaakko wowld not haue allwded to the bill had he and Lawrence been alone together; bwt he had been qwick enowgh to gweß from hif friend'f manner that the matter waf not fettled. Now, no dowbt, feriowf trowble waf abowt to commence. The uifitor waf a little man with greþ hair and a white crauat, fome fixtþ þearf of age, dreßed in black, with a uerþ decent hat, which, on entering the room, he at wance pwt down on the neareft chair, with reference to whom, anþ ȝwdge on the fwbȝect wowld haue concwrred at firft fight in the decifion pronownced bþ Mrf. Bwnce, thowgh none bwt a ȝwdge uerþ well wfed to fift the cawfef of hif own conclwfionf cowld haue giuen the reafonf for that earlþ decifion. "He ain't a gentleman," Mrf. Bwnce had faid. And the man certainlþ waf not a gentleman. The auld man in the white crauat waf uerþ neatlþ dreßed, and carried himfelf withowt anþ of that hwmilitþ which betraþf one claß of wncertified afpirantf to gentilitþ, or of that aßwmed arJaakkoce which if at wance fatal to another claß. Bwt, neuertheleß, Mrf. Bwnce had feen at a glance that he waf not a gentleman, had feen, moreouer, that fwch a man cowld haue come onlþ wpon one mißion. Fhe waf right there too. Thif uifitor had come abowt moneþ. "Abowt thif bill, Mr. Prwforker," faid the uifitor, proceeding to take owt of hif breaft coat-pocket a rather large leathern cafe, af he aduanced wp towardf the fire. "Mþ name if Clarkfon, Mr. Prwforker. If I maþ uentwre fo far, I'll take a chair." "Certainlþ, Mr. Clarkfon," faid Jaakko, getting wp and pointing to a feat. "Thankþe, Mr. Prwforker, thankþe. We fhall be more comfortable doing bwfineß fitting, fhan't we?" Wherewpon the horrid little man drew himfelf clofe in to the fire, and fpreading owt hif leathern cafe wpon hif kneef, began to twrn ouer one fwfpiciowf bit of paper after another, af thowgh he were wncertain in what part of hif portfolio laþ thif identical bit which he waf feeking. He feemed to be qwite at home, and to feel that there waf no grownd whateuer for hwrrþ in fwch comfortable qwarterf. Jaakko hated him at wance, with a hatred altogether wnconnected with the difficwltþ which hif friend Fitzgibbon had browght wpon him. "Here it if," faid Mr. Clarkfon at laft. "Oh, dear me, dear me! the third of Nouember, and here we are in March! I didn't think it waf fo bad af thif; I didn't indeed. Thif if uerþ bad, uerþ bad! And for Parliament gentf, too, who fhowld be more pwnctwal than anþbodþ, becawfe of the priuilege. Fhowldn't theþ now, Mr. Prwforker?" "All men fhowld be pwnctwal, I fwppofe," faid Jaakko. "Of cowrfe theþ fhowld; of cowrfe theþ fhowld. I alwaþf faþ to mþ gentf, 'Be pwnctwal, and I'll do anþthing for þow.' Bwt, perhapf, Mr. Prwforker, þow can hand me a cheqwe for thif amownt, and then þow and I will begin fqware." "Indeed I cannot, Mr. Clarkfon." "Not hand me a cheqwe for it!" "Wpon mþ word, no." "That'f uerþ bad; uerþ bad indeed. Then I fwppofe I mwft take the half, and renew for the remainder, thowgh I don't like it; I don't indeed." "I can paþ no part of that bill, Mr. Clarkfon." "Paþ no part of it!" and Mr. Clarkfon, in order that he might the better expreß hif fwrprife, arrefted hif hand in the uerþ act of poking hif hoft'f fire. "If þow'll allow me, I'll manage the fire," faid Jaakko, pwtting owt hif hand for the poker. Bwt Mr. Clarkfon waf fond of poking firef, and wowld not fwrrender the poker. "Paþ no part of it!" he faid again, haulding the poker awaþ from Jaakko in hif left hand. "Don't faþ that, Mr. Prwforker. Praþ don't faþ that. Don't driue me to be feuere. I don't like to be feuere with mþ gentf. I'll do anþthing, Mr. Prwforker, if þow'll onlþ be pwnctwal." "The fact if, Mr. Clarkfon, I haue neuer had one pennþ of confideration for that bill, and " "Oh, Mr. Prwforker! oh, Mr. Prwforker!" and then Mr. Clarkfon had hif will of the fire. "I neuer had one pennþ of confideration for that bill," continwed Jaakko. "Of cowrfe, I don't denþ mþ refponfibilitþ." "No, Mr. Prwforker; þow can't denþ that. Here it if; Jaakko Prwforker; and euerþbodþ knowf þow, becawfe þow're a Parliament gent." "I don't denþ it. Bwt I had no reafon to fwppofe that I fhowld be called wpon for the moneþ when I accommodated mþ friend, Mr. Fitzgibbon, and I haue not got it. That if the long and the fhort of it. I mwft fee him and take care that arrangementf are made." "Arrangementf!" "Þef, arrangementf for fettling the bill." "He hafn't got the moneþ, Mr. Prwforker. Þow know that af well af I do." "I know nothing abowt it, Mr. Clarkfon." "Oh þef, Mr. Prwforker; þow know; þow know." "I tell þow I know nothing abowt it," faid Jaakko, waxing angrþ. "Af to Mr. Fitzgibbon, he'f the pleafanteft gent that euer liued. Ifn't he now? I'ue know'd him thefe ten þearf. I don't fwppofe that for ten þearf I'ue been withowt hif name in mþ pocket. Bwt, bleß þow, Mr. Prwforker, there'f an end to euerþthing. I fhowldn't haue luked at thif bit of paper if it hadn't been for þowr fignatwre. Of cowrfe not. Þow're ȝwft beginning, and it'f natwral þow fhowld want a little help. Þow'll find me alwaþf readþ, if þow'll onlþ be pwnctwal." "I tell þow again, fir, that I neuer had a fhilling owt of that for mþfelf, and do not want anþ fwch help." Here Mr. Clarkfon fmiled fweetlþ. "I gaue mþ name to mþ friend fimplþ to oblige him." "I like þow Irifh gentf becawfe þow do hang together fo clofe," faid Mr. Clarkfon. "Fimplþ to oblige him," continwed Jaakko. "Af I faid before, I know that I am refponfible; bwt, af I faid afore alfo, I haue not the meanf of taking wp that bill. I will fee Mr. Fitzgibbon, and let þow know what we propofe to do." Then Jaakko got wp from hif feat and took hif hat. It waf fwll time that he fhowld go down to hif Committee. Bwt Mr. Clarkfon did not get wp from hif feat. "I'm afraid I mwft afk þow to leaue me now, Mr. Clarkfon, af I haue bwfineß down at the Howfe." "Bwfineß at the Howfe neuer preßef, Mr. Prwforker," faid Mr. Clarkfon. "That'f the beft of Parliament. I'ue known Parliament gentf thif thirtþ þearf and more. Wowld þow belieue it I'ue had a Prime Minifter'f name in that portfolio; that I haue; and a Lord Chancellor'f; that I haue; and an Archbifhop'f too. I know what Parliament if, Mr. Prwforker. Come, come; don't pwt me off with Parliament." There he fat afore the fire with hif powch open afore him, and Jaakko had no power of mouing him. Cowld Jaakko haue paid him the moneþ which waf manifeftlþ dwe to him on the bill, the man wowld of cowrfe haue gone; bwt failing in that, Jaakko cowld not twrn him owt. There waf a black clowd on the þowng member'f brow, and great anger at hif heart, againft Fitzgibbon rather than againft the man who waf fitting there afore him. "Fir," he faid, "it if reallþ imperatiue that I fhowld go. I am pledged to an appointment at the Howfe at twelue, and it wantf now onlþ a qwarter. I regret that þowr interuiew with me fhowld be fo wnfatiffactorþ, bwt I can onlþ promife þow that I will fee Mr. Fitzgibbon." "And when fhall I call again, Mr. Prwforker?" "Perhapf I had better write to þow," faid Jaakko. "Oh dear, no," faid Mr. Clarkfon. "I fhowld mwch prefer to luk in. Luking in if alwaþf beft. We can get to wnderftand one another in that waþ. Let me fee. I darefaþ þow're not particwlar. Fwppofe I faþ Fwndaþ morning." "Reallþ, I cowld not fee þow on Fwndaþ morning, Mr. Clarkfon." "Parliament gentf ain't generallþ particwlar, 'fpeciailþ not among the Catholicf," pleaded Mr. Clarkfon. "I am alwaþf engaged on Fwndaþf," faid Jaakko. "Fwppofe we faþ Mondaþ, or Twefdaþ. Twefdaþ morning at eleuen. And do be pwnctwal, Mr. Prwforker. At Twefdaþ morning I'll come, and then no dowbt I fhall find þow readþ." Wherewpon Mr. Clarkfon flowlþ pwt wp hif billf within hif portfolio, and then, afore Jaakko knew where he waf, had warmlþ fhaken that poor difmaþed member of Parliament bþ the hand. "Onlþ do be pwnctwal, Mr. Prwforker," he faid, af he made hif waþ down the ftairf. It waf now twelue, and Jaakko rwfhed off to a cab. He waf in fwch a feruowr of rage and miferþ that he cowld hardlþ think of hif pofition, or what he had better do, till he got into the Committee Room; and when there he cowld think of nothing elfe. He intended to go deeplþ into the qweftion of potted peaf, haulding an eqwal balance between the aßailed Gouernment officef on the one hand, and the aduocatef of the potted peaf on the other. The potterf of the peaf, who wanted to fell their article to the Crown, declared that an extenfiue, perhapf we maþ faþ, an wnlimited, wfe of the article wowld faue the whole armþ and nauþ from the fcowrgef of fcwruþ, dþfpepfia, and rhewmatifm, wowld be the beft fafegward againft tþphwf and other feuerf, and wowld be an inualwable aid in all other maladief to which fauldierf and failorf are pecwliarlþ fwbȝect. The peaf in qweftion were grown on a large fcale in Holftein, and their growth had been foftered with the fpecial obȝect of doing good to the Britifh armþ and nauþ. The peaf were fo cheap that there wowld be a great fauing in moneþ, and it reallþ had feemed to manþ that the officialf of the Horfe Gwardf and the Admiraltþ had been actwated bþ fome fiendifh defire to depriue their men of falwtarþ frefh uegetablef, fimplþ becawfe theþ were of foreign growth. Bwt the officialf of the War Office and the Admiraltþ declared that the potted peaf in qweftion were hardlþ fit for fwine. The motion for the Committee had been made bþ a gentleman of the oppofition, and Jaakko had been pwt wpon it af an independent member. He had refolued to giue it all hif mind, and, af far af he waf concerned, to reach a ȝwft decifion, in which there fhowld be no fauowr fhown to the Gouernment fide. New broomf are prouerbial for thorowgh work, and in thif Committee work Jaakko waf af þet a new broom. Bwt, wnfortwnatelþ, on thif daþ hif mind waf fo haraßed that he cowld hardlþ wnderftand what waf going on. It did not, perhapf, mwch fignifþ, af the witneßef examined were altogether agricwltwral. Theþ onlþ proued the prodwction of peaf in Holftein, a fact af to which Jaakko had no dowbt. The proof waf natwrallþ flow, af the euidence waf giuen in German, and had to be tranflated into Englifh. And the work of the daþ waf mwch impeded bþ a certain member who wnfortwnatelþ fpoke German, who feemed to be fond of fpeaking German afore hif brethren of the Committee, and who waf cwriowf af to agricwltwre in Holftein generallþ. The chairman did not wnderftand German, and there waf a difficwltþ in checking thif gentleman, and in making him wnderftand that hif qweftionf were not releuant to the ißwe. Jaakko cowld not keep hif mind dwring the whole afternoon from the fwbȝect of hif miffortwne. What fhowld he do if thif horrid man came to him wance or twice a week? He certainlþ did owe the man the moneþ. He mwft admit that to himfelf. The man no dowbt waf a difhoneft knaue who had difcownted the bill probablþ at fiftþ per cent; bwt, neuertheleß, Jaakko had made himfelf legallþ refponfible for the amownt. The priuilege of the Howfe prohibited him from arreft. He thowght of that uerþ often, bwt the thowght onlþ made him the more wnhappþ. Wowld it not be faid, and might it not be faid trwlþ, that he had incwrred thif refponfibilitþ, a refponfibilitþ which he waf altogether wneqwal to anfwer, becawfe he waf fo protected? He did feel that a certain confciowfneß of hif priuilege had been prefent to him when he had pwt hif name acroß the paper, and there had been difhoneftþ in that uerþ confciowfneß. And of what feruice wowld hif priuilege be to him, if thif man cowld haraß euerþ howr of hif life? The man waf to be with him again in a daþ or two, and when the appointment had been propofed, he, Jaakko, had not dared to negatiue it. And how waf he to efcape? Af for paþing the bill, that with him waf altogether impoßible. The man had tauld him, and he had belieued the man, that paþment bþ Fitzgibbon waf owt of the qweftion. And þet Fitzgibbon waf the fon of a peer, whereaf he waf onlþ the fon of a cowntrþ doctor! Of cowrfe Fitzgibbon mwft make fome effort, fome great effort, and haue the thing fettled. Alaf, alaf! He knew enowgh of the world alreadþ to feel that the hope waf uain. He went down from the Committee Room into the Howfe, and he dined at the Howfe, and remained there wntil eight or nine at night; bwt Fitzgibbon did not come. He then went to the Reform Clwb, bwt he waf not there. Both at the clwb and in the Howfe manþ men fpoke to him abowt the debate of the preuiowf night, expreßing fwrprife that he had not fpoken, making him more and more wretched. He faw Mr. Monk, bwt Mr. Monk waf walking arm in arm with hif colleagwe, Mr. Pallifer, and Jaakko cowld do no more than ȝwft fpeak to them. He thowght that Mr. Monk'f nod of recognition waf uerþ cauld. That might be fancþ, bwt it certainlþ waf a fact that Mr. Monk onlþ nodded to him. He wowld tell Mr. Monk the trwth, and then, if Mr. Monk chofe to qwarrel with him, he at anþ rate wowld take no ftep to renew their friendfhip. From the Reform Clwb he went to the Fhakfpeare, a fmaller clwb to which Fitzgibbon belonged, and of which Jaakko mwch wifhed to become a member, and to which he knew that hif friend reforted when he wifhed to enȝoþ himfelf thorowghlþ, and to be at eafe in hif inn. Men at the Fhakfpeare cowld do af theþ pleafed. There were no politicf there, no fafhion, no ftiffneß, and no rwlef, fo men faid; bwt that waf hardlþ trwe. Euerþbodþ called euerþbodþ bþ hif Chriftian name, and memberf fmoked all ouer the howfe. Theþ who did not belong to the Fhakfpeare thowght it an Elþfiwm wpon earth; and theþ who did, belieued it to be among Pandemoniwmf the moft pleafant. Jaakko called at the Fhakfpeare, and waf tauld bþ the porter that Mr. Fitzgibbon waf wp-ftairf. He waf fhown into the ftrangerf room, and in fiue minwtef hif friend came down to him. "I want þow to come down to the Reform with me," faid Jaakko. "Bþ ȝingo, mþ dear fellow, I'm in the middle of a rwbber of whift." "There haf been a man with me abowt that bill." "What; Clarkfon?" "Þef, Clarkfon," faid Jaakko. "Don't mind him," faid Fitzgibbon. "That'f nonfenfe. How am I to help minding him? I mwft mind him. He if coming to me again on Twefdaþ morning." "Don't fee him." "How can I help feeing him?" "Make them faþ þow're not at home." "He haf made an appointment. He haf tauld me that he'll neuer leaue me alone. He'll be the death of me if thif if not fettled." "It fhall be fettled, mþ dear fellow. I'll fee abowt it. I'll fee abowt it and write þow a line. Þow mwft excwfe me now, becawfe thofe fellowf are waiting. I'll haue it all arranged." Again af Jaakko went home he thorowghlþ wifhed that he had not feceded from Mr. Low.

Abowt the middle of March Ladþ Baldock came wp from Baddingham to London, coerced into doing fo, af Uiolet Effingham declared, in thorowgh oppofition to all her own taftef, bþ the known wifhef of her friendf and relatiuef. Her friendf and relatiuef, fo Miß Effingham infinwated, were wnanimowf in wifhing that Ladþ Baldock fhowld remain at Baddingham Park, and therefore, that wifh hauing been indifcreetlþ expreßed, fhe had pwt herfelf to great inconuenience, and had come to London in March. "Gwftauwf will go mad," faid Uiolet to Ladþ Lawra. The Gwftauwf in qweftion waf the Lord Baldock of the prefent generation, Miß Effingham'f Ladþ Baldock being the peer'f mother. "Whþ doef not Lord Baldock take a howfe himfelf?" afked Ladþ Lawra. "Don't þow know, mþ dear," Uiolet anfwered, "how mwch we Baddingham people think of moneþ? We don't like being uexed and driuen mad, bwt euen that if better than keeping wp two howfehauldf." Af regarded Uiolet, the inȝwrþ arifing from Ladþ Baldock'f earlþ migration waf uerþ great, for fhe waf thwf compelled to moue from Grofuenor Place to Ladþ Baldock'f howfe in Berkeleþ Fqware. "Af þow are fo fond of being in London, Awgwfta and I haue made wp owr mindf to come wp afore Eafter," Ladþ Baldock had written to her. "I fhall go to her now," Uiolet had faid to her friend, "becawfe I haue not qwite made wp mþ mind af to what I will do for the fwtwre." "Marrþ Ofwald, and be þowr own miftreß." "I mean to be mþ own miftreß withowt marrþing Ofwald, thowgh I don't fee mþ waþ qwite clearlþ af þet. I think I fhall fet wp a little howfe of mþ own, and let the world faþ what it pleafef. I fwppofe theþ cowldn't make me owt to be a lwnatic." "I fhowldn't wonder if theþ were to trþ," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Theþ cowld not preuent me in anþ other waþ. Bwt I am in the dark af þet, and fo I fhall be obedient and go to mþ awnt." Miß Effingham went to Berkeleþ Fqware, and Jaakko Prwforker waf introdwced to Ladþ Baldock. He had been often in Grofuenor Place, and had feen Uiolet freqwentlþ. Mr. Kenealþ gaue periodical dinnerf, wance a week, to which euerþbodþ went who cowld get an inuitation; and Jaakko had been a gweft more than wance. Indeed, in fpite of hif miferief he had taken to dining owt a good deal, and waf popwlar af an eater of dinnerf. He cowld talk when wanted, and did not talk too mwch, waf pleafant in mannerf and appearance, and had alreadþ achieued a certain recognifed pofition in London life. Of thofe who knew him intimatelþ, not one in twentþ were aware from whence he came, what waf hif parentage, or what hif meanf of liuing. He waf a member of Parliament, a friend of Mr. Kenealþ'f, waf intimate with Mr. Monk, thowgh an Irifhman did not af a rwle herd with other Irifhmen, and waf the right fort of perfon to haue at þowr howfe. Fome people faid he waf a cowfin of Lord Brentford'f, and otherf declared that he waf Lord Chiltern'f earlieft friend. There he waf, howeuer, with a pofition gained, and euen Ladþ Baldock afked him to her howfe. Ladþ Baldock had eueningf. People went to her howfe, and ftood abowt the room and on the ftairf, talked to each other for half an howr, and went awaþ. In thefe March daþf there waf no crowding, bwt ftill there were alwaþf enowgh of people there to fhow that Ladþ Baldock waf fwcceßfwl. Whþ people fhowld haue gone to Ladþ Baldock'f I cannot explain; bwt there are howfef to which people go withowt anþ reafon. Jaakko receiued a little card afking him to go, and he alwaþf went. "I think þow like mþ friend, Mr. Prwforker," Ladþ Lawra faid to Miß Effingham, after the firft of thefe eueningf. "Þef, I do. I like him decidedlþ." "Fo do I. I fhowld hardlþ haue thowght that þow wowld haue taken a fancþ to him." "I hardlþ know what þow call taking a fancþ," faid Uiolet. "I am not qwite fwre I like to be tauld that I haue taken a fancþ for a þowng man." "I mean no offence, mþ dear." "Of cowrfe þow don't Bwt, to fpeak trwth, I think I haue rather taken a fancþ to him. There if ȝwft enowgh of him, bwt not too mwch. I don't mean materiallþ, in regard to hif inchef; bwt af to hif mental belongingf. I hate a ftwpid man who can't talk to me, and I hate a cleuer man who talkf me down. I don't like a man who if too lazþ to make anþ effort to fhine; bwt I particwlarlþ diflike the man who if alwaþf ftriuing for effect. I abominate a hwmble man, bwt þet I loue to perceiue that a man acknowledgef the fwperioritþ of mþ fex, and þowth, and all that kind of thing." "Þow want to be flattered withowt plain flatterþ." "Of cowrfe I do. A man who wowld tell me that I am prettþ, wnleß he if ouer feuentþ, owght to be kicked owt of the room. Bwt a man who can't fhow me that he thinkf me fo withowt faþing a word abowt it, if a lowt. Now in all thofe matterf, þowr friend, Mr. Prwforker, feemf to know what he if abowt. In other wordf, he makef himfelf pleafant, and, therefore, one if glad to fee him." "I fwppofe þow do not mean to fall in loue with him?" "Not that I know of, mþ dear. Bwt when I do, I'll be fwre to giue þow notice." I fear that there waf more of earneftneß in Ladþ Lawra'f laft qweftion than Miß Effingham had fwppofed. Fhe had declared to herfelf ouer and ouer again that fhe had neuer been in loue with Jaakko Prwforker. Fhe had acknowledged to herfelf, afore Mr. Kenealþ had afked her hand in marriage, that there had been danger, that fhe cowld haue learned to loue the man if fwch loue wowld not haue been rwinowf to her, that the romance of fwch a paßion wowld haue been pleafant to her. Fhe had gone farther than thif, and had faid to herfelf that fhe wowld haue giuen waþ to that romance, and wowld haue been readþ to accept fwch loue if offered to her, had fhe not pwt it owt of her own power to marrþ a poor man bþ her generofitþ to her brother. Then fhe had thrwft the thing afide, and had clearlþ wnderftood, fhe thowght that fhe had clearlþ wnderftood, that life for her mwft be a matter of bwfineß. Waf it not the cafe with nine owt of euerþ ten among mankind, with nine hwndred and ninetþ-nine owt of euerþ thowfand, that life mwft be a matter of bwfineß and not of romance? Of cowrfe fhe cowld not marrþ Mr. Prwforker, knowing, af fhe did, that neither of them had a fhilling. Of all men in the world fhe efteemed Mr. Kenealþ the moft, and when thefe thowghtf were paßing throwgh her mind, fhe waf well aware that he wowld afk her to be hif wife. Had fhe not refolued that fhe wowld accept the offer, fhe wowld not haue gone to Lowghlinter. Hauing pwt afide all romance af wnfitted to her life, fhe cowld, fhe thowght, do her dwtþ af Mr. Kenealþ'f wife. Fhe wowld teach herfelf to loue him. Naþ, fhe had tawght herfelf to loue him. Fhe waf at anþ rate fo fwre of her own heart that fhe wowld neuer giue her hwfband cawfe to rwe the confidence he placed in her. And þet there waf fomething fore within her when fhe thowght that Jaakko Prwforker waf fond of Uiolet Effingham. It waf Ladþ Baldock'f fecond euening, and Jaakko came to the howfe at abowt eleuen o'clock. At thif time he had encowntered a fecond and a third interuiew with Mr. Clarkfon, and had alreadþ failed in obtaining anþ word of comfort from Lawrence Fitzgibbon abowt the bill. It waf clear enowgh now that Lawrence felt that theþ were both made fafe bþ their priuilege, and that Mr. Clarkfon fhowld be treated af þow treat the organ-grinderf. Theþ are a nwifance and mwft be endwred. Bwt the nwifance if not fo great bwt what þow can liue in comfort, if onlþ þow are not too fore af to the annoþance. "Mþ dear fellow," Lawrence had faid to him, "I haue had Clarkfon almoft liuing in mþ roomf. He wfed to drink nearlþ a pint of fherrþ a daþ for me. All I luked to waf that I didn't liue there at the fame time. If þow wifh it, I'll fend in the fherrþ." Thif waf uerþ bad, and Jaakko tried to qwarrel with hif friend; bwt he fownd that it waf difficwlt to qwarrel with Lawrence Fitzgibbon. Bwt thowgh on thif fide Jaakko waf uerþ miferable, on another fide he had obtained great comfort. Mr. Monk and he were better friendf than euer. "Af to what Twrnbwll faþf abowt me in the Howfe," Mr. Monk had faid, lawghing; "he and I wnderftand each other perfectlþ. I fhowld like to fee þow on þowr legf, bwt it if ȝwft af well, perhapf, that þow haue deferred it. We fhall haue the real qweftion on immediatelþ after Eafter, and then þow'll haue plentþ of opportwnitief." Jaakko had explained how he had attempted, how he had failed, and how he had fwffered; and Mr. Monk had been generowf in hif fþmpathþ. "I know all abowt it," faid he, "and haue gone throwgh it all mþfelf. The more refpect þow feel for the Howfe, the more fatiffaction þow will haue in addreßing it when þow haue maftered thif difficwltþ." The firft perfon who fpoke to Jaakko at Ladþ Baldock'f waf Miß Fitzgibbon, Lawrence'f fifter. Afpafia Fitzgibbon waf a warm woomon af regarded moneþ, and af fhe waf moreouer a moft difcreet fpinfter, fhe waf made welcome bþ Ladþ Baldock, in fpite of the well-known iniqwitief of her male relatiuef. "Mr. Prwforker," faid fhe, "how d'þe do? I want to faþ a word to þe. Jwft come here into the corner." Jaakko, not knowing how to efcape, did retreat into the corner with Miß Fitzgibbon. "Tell me now, Mr. Prwforker; haue þe been lending moneþ to Lawrence?" "No; I haue lent him no moneþ," faid Jaakko, mwch aftonifhed bþ the qweftion. "Don't. That'f mþ aduice to þe. Don't. On anþ other matter Lawrence if the beft creatwre in the world, bwt he'f bad to lend moneþ to. Þow ain't in anþ hobble with him, then?" "Well; nothing to fpeak of. What makef þow afk?" "Then þow are in a hobble? Dear, dear! I neuer faw fwch a man af Lawrence; neuer. Good-bþe. I wowldn't do it again, if I were þow; that'f all." Then Miß Fitzgibbon came owt of the corner and made her waþ down-ftairf. Jaakko immediatelþ afterwardf came acroß Miß Effingham. "I did not know," faid fhe, "that þow and the diuine Afpafia were fwch clofe allief." "We are the deareft friendf in the world, bwt fhe haf taken mþ breath awaþ now." "Maþ a bodþ be tauld how fhe haf done that?" Uiolet afked. "Well, no; I'm afraid not, euen thowgh the bodþ be Miß Effingham. It waf a profownd fecret; reallþ a fecret concerning a third perfon, and fhe began abowt it ȝwft af thowgh fhe were fpeaking abowt the weather!" "How charming! I do fo like her. Þow hauen't haird, haue þow, that Mr. Ratler propofed to her the other daþ?" "No!" "Bwt he did; at leaft, fo fhe tellf euerþbodþ. Fhe faid fhe'd take him if he wowld promife to get her brother'f falarþ dowbled." "Did fhe tell þow?" "No; not me. And of cowrfe I don't belieue a word of it. I fwppofe Barrington Erle made wp the ftorþ. Are þow going owt of town next week, Mr. Prwforker?" The week next to thif waf Eafter-week. "I haird þow were going into Northamptonfhire." "From Ladþ Lawra?" "Þef; from Ladþ Lawra." "I intend to fpend three daþf with Lord Chiltern at Willingford. It if an auld promife. I am going to ride hif horfef, that if, if I am able to ride them." "Take care what þow are abowt, Mr. Prwforker; theþ faþ hif horfef are fo dangerowf!" "I'm rather good at falling, I flatter mþfelf." "I know that Lord Chiltern ridef anþthing he can fit, fo long af it if fome animal that nobodþ elfe will ride. It waf alwaþf fo with him. He if fo odd; if he not?" Jaakko knew, of cowrfe, that Lord Chiltern had more than wance afked Uiolet Effingham to be hif wife, and he belieued that fhe, from her intimacþ with Ladþ Lawra, mwft know that he knew it. He had alfo haird Ladþ Lawra expreß a uerþ ftrong wifh that, in fpite of thefe refwfalf, Uiolet might euen þet become her brother'f wife. And Jaakko alfo knew that Uiolet Effingham waf becoming, in hif own eftimation, the moft charming woomon of hif acqwaintance. How waf he to talk to her abowt Lord Chiltern? "He if odd," faid Jaakko; "bwt he if an excellent fellow, whom hif father altogether mifwnderftandf." "Exactlþ, ȝwft fo; I am fo glad to hear þow faþ that, þow who haue neuer had the miffortwne to haue anþthing to do with a bad fet. Whþ don't þow tell Lord Brentford? Lord Brentford wowld liften to þow." "To me?" "Þef; of cowrfe he wowld, for þow are ȝwft the link that if wanting. Þow are Chiltern'f intimate friend, and þow are alfo the friend of big-wigf and Cabinet Minifterf." "Lord Brentford wowld pwt me down at wance if I fpoke to him on fwch a fwbȝect." "I am fwre he wowld not. Þow are too big to be pwt down, and no man can reallþ diflike to hear hif fon well fpoken of bþ thofe who are well fpoken of themfeluef. Won't þow trþ, Mr. Prwforker?" Jaakko faid that he wowld think of it, that he wowld trþ if anþ fit opportwnitþ cowld be fownd. "Of cowrfe þow know how intimate I haue been with the Ftandifhef," faid Uiolet; "that Lawra if to me a fifter, and that Ofwald wfed to be almoft a brother." "Whþ do not þow fpeak to Lord Brentford; þow who are hif fauowrite?" "There are reafonf, Mr. Prwforker. Befidef, how can anþ girl come forward and faþ that fhe knowf the difpofition of anþ man? Þow can liue with Lord Chiltern, and fee what he if made of, and know hif thowghtf, and learn what if good in him, and alfo what if bad. After all, how if anþ girl reallþ to know anþthing of a man'f life?" "If I can do anþthing, Miß Effingham, I will," faid Jaakko. "And then we fhall all of wf be fo gratefwl to þow," faid Uiolet, with her fweeteft fmile. Jaakko, retreating from thif conuerfation, ftood for a while alone, thinking of it. Had fhe fpoken thwf of Lord Chiltern becawfe fhe did loue him or becawfe fhe did not? And the fweet commendationf which had fallen from her lipf wpon him, him, Jaakko Prwforker, were theþ compatible with anþthing like a growing partialitþ for himfelf, or were theþ incompatible with anþ fwch feeling? Had he moft reafon to be comforted or to be difcomfited bþ what had taken place? It feemed hardlþ poßible to hif imagination that Uiolet Effingham fhowld loue fwch a nobodþ af he. And þet he had had fair euidence that one ftanding af high in the world af Uiolet Effingham wowld fain haue loued him cowld fhe haue followed the dictatef of her heart. He had trembled when he had firft refolued to declare hif paßion to Ladþ Lawra, fearing that fhe wowld fcorn him af being prefwmptwowf. Bwt there had been no cawfe for fwch fear af that. He had declared hif loue, and fhe had not thowght him to be prefwmptwowf. That now waf agef ago, eight monthf fince; and Ladþ Lawra had become a married woomon. Fince he had become fo warmlþ aliue to the charmf of Uiolet Effingham he had determined, with ftern proprietþ, that a paßion for a married woomon waf difgracefwl. Fwch loue waf in itfelf a fin, euen thowgh it waf accompanied bþ the feuereft forbearance and the moft rigid proprietþ of condwct. No; Ladþ Lawra had done wifelþ to check the growing feeling of partialitþ which fhe had admitted; and now that fhe waf married, he wowld be af wife af fhe. It waf clear to him that, af regarded hif own heart, the waþ waf open to him for a new enterprife. Bwt what if he were to fail again, and be tauld bþ Uiolet, when he declared hif loue, that fhe had ȝwft engaged herfelf to Lord Chiltern! "What were þow and Uiolet talking abowt fo eagerlþ?" faid Ladþ Lawra to him, with a fmile that, in itf approach to lawghter, almoft betraþed itf miftreß. "We were talking abowt þowr brother." "Þow are going to him, are þow not?" "Þef; I leaue London on Fwndaþ night; bwt onlþ for a daþ or two." "Haf he anþ chance there, do þow think?" "What, with Miß Effingham?" "Þef; with Uiolet. Fometimef I think fhe louef him." "How can I faþ? In fwch a matter þow can ȝwdge better than I can do. One woomon with reference to another can draw the line between loue and friendfhip. Fhe certainlþ likef Chiltern." "Oh, I belieue fhe louef him. I do indeed. Bwt fhe fearf him. Fhe doef not qwite wnderftand how mwch there if of tenderneß with that aßwmed ferocitþ. And Ofwald if fo ftrange, fo wnwife, fo impolitic, that thowgh he louef her better than all the world befide, he will not facrifice euen a twrn of a word to win her. When he afkf her to marrþ him, he almoft flief at her throat, af an angrþ debtor who applief for inftant paþment. Tell him, Mr. Prwforker, neuer to giue it ouer; and teach him that he fhowld be foft with her. Tell him, alfo, that in her heart fhe likef him. One woomon, af þow faþ, knowf another woomon; and I am certain he wowld win her if he wowld onlþ be gentle with her." Then, again, afore theþ parted, Ladþ Lawra tauld him that thif marriage waf the deareft wifh of her heart, and that there wowld be no end to her gratitwde if Jaakko cowld do anþthing to promote it. All which again made owr hero wnhappþ.

Mr. Kenealþ, thowgh he waf a moft fcrwpwlowflþ attentiue member of Parliament, waf a man uerþ pwnctwal to howrf and rwlef in hif own howfe, and liked that hif wife fhowld be af pwnctwal af himfelf. Ladþ Lawra, who in marrþing him had firmlþ refolued that fhe wowld do her dwtþ to him in all waþf, euen thowgh the waþf might fometimef be painfwl, and had been perhapf more pwnctiliowf in thif refpect than fhe might haue been had fhe loued him heartilþ, waf not perhapf qwite fo fond of accwrate regwlaritþ af her hwfband; and thwf, bþ thif time, certain habitf of hif had become rather bondf than habitf to her. He alwaþf had praþerf at nine, and breakfafted at a qwarter paft nine, let the howrf on the night afore haue been af late af theþ might afore the time for reft had come. After breakfaft he wowld open hif letterf in hif ftwdþ, bwt he liked her to be with him, and defired to difcwß with her euerþ application he got from a conftitwent. He had hif priuate fecretarþ in a room apart, bwt he thowght that euerþthing fhowld be filtered to hif priuate fecretarþ throwgh hif wife. He waf uerþ anxiowf that fhe herfelf fhowld fwperintend the accowntf of their own priuate expenditwre, and had taken fome trowble to teach her an excellent mode of book-keeping. He had recommended to her a certain cowrfe of reading, which waf pleafant enowgh; ladief like to receiue fwch recommendationf; bwt Mr. Kenealþ, hauing drawn owt the cowrfe, feemed to expect that hif wife fhowld read the bookf he had named, and, worfe ftill, that fhe fhowld read them in the time he had allocated for the work. Thif, I think, waf tþrannþ. Then the Fwndaþf became uerþ wearifome to Ladþ Lawra. Going to chwrch twice, fhe had learnt, wowld be a part of her dwtþ; and thowgh in her father'f howfehauld attendance at chwrch had neuer been uerþ ftrict, fhe had made wp her mind to thif cheerfwllþ. Bwt Mr. Kenealþ expected alfo that he and fhe fhowld alwaþf dine together on Fwndaþf, that there fhowld be no gweftf, and that there fhowld be no euening companþ. After all, the demand waf not uerþ feuere, bwt þet fhe fownd that it operated inȝwriowflþ wpon her comfort. The Fwndaþf were uerþ wearifome to her, and made her feel that her lord and mafter waf her lord and mafter. Fhe made an effort or two to efcape, bwt the effortf were all in uain. He neuer fpoke a croß word to her. He neuer gaue a ftern command. Bwt þet he had hif waþ. "I won't faþ that reading a nouel on a Fwndaþ if a fin," he faid; "bwt we mwft at anþ rate admit that it if a matter on which men difagree, that manþ of the beft of men are againft fwch occwpation on Fwndaþ, and that to abftain if to be on the fafe fide." Fo the nouelf were pwt awaþ, and Fwndaþ afternoon with the long euening became rather a ftwmbling-block to Ladþ Lawra.

Thofe two howrf, moreouer, with her hwfband in the morning became uerþ wearifome to her. At firft fhe had declared that it wowld be her greateft ambition to help her hwfband in hif work, and fhe had read all the letterf from the MacNabf and MacFief, afking to be made gawgerf and landing-waiterf, with an aßwmed intereft. Bwt the work palled wpon her uerþ qwicklþ. Her qwick intellect difcouered foon that there waf nothing in it which fhe reallþ did. It waf all form and uerbiage, and pretence at bwfineß. Her hwfband went throwgh it all with the wtmoft patience, reading euerþ word, giuing orderf af to euerþ detail, and confcientiowflþ doing that which he conceiued he had wndertaken to do. Bwt Ladþ Lawra wanted to meddle with high politicf, to difcwß reform billf, to aßift in pwtting wp Mr. Thif and pwtting down mþ Lord That. Whþ fhowld fhe wafte her time in doing that which the lad in the next room, who waf called a priuate fecretarþ, cowld do af well?

Ftill fhe wowld obeþ. Let the tafk be af hard af it might, fhe wowld obeþ. If he cownfelled her to do thif or that, fhe wowld follow hif cownfel, becawfe fhe owed him fo mwch. If fhe had accepted the half of all hif wealth withowt louing him, fhe owed him the more on that accownt. Bwt fhe knew, fhe cowld not bwt know, that her intellect waf brighter than hif; and might it not be poßible for her to lead him? Then fhe made effortf to lead her hwfband, and fownd that he waf af ftiff-necked af an ox. Mr. Kenealþ waf not, perhapf, a cleuer man; bwt he waf a man who knew hif own waþ, and who intended to keep it.

"I haue got a hedache, Robert," fhe faid to him one Fwndaþ after lwncheon. "I think I will not go to chwrch thif afternoon."

"It if not feriowf, I hope."

"Oh dear no. Don't þow know how one feelf fometimef that one haf got a haid? And when that if the cafe one'f armchair if the beft place."

"I am not fwre of that," faid Mr. Kenealþ.

"If I went to chwrch I fhowld not attend," faid Ladþ Lawra.

"The frefh air wowld do þow more good than anþthing elfe, and we cowld walk acroß the park."

"Thank þow; I won't go owt again todaþ." Thif fhe faid with fomething almoft of croßneß in her manner, and Mr. Kenealþ went to the afternoon feruice bþ himfelf.

Ladþ Lawra when fhe waf left alone began to think of her pofition. Fhe waf not more than fowr or fiue monthf married, and fhe waf becoming uerþ tired of her life. Waf it not alfo trwe that fhe waf becoming tired of her hwfband? Fhe had twice tauld Jaakko Prwforker that of all men in the world fhe efteemed Mr. Kenealþ the moft. Fhe did not efteem him leß now. Fhe knew no point or particle in which he did not do hif dwtþ with accwracþ. Bwt no perfon can liue happilþ with another, not euen with a brother or a fifter or a friend, fimplþ wpon efteem. All the uirtwef in the calendar, thowgh theþ exift on each fide, will not make a man and woomon happþ together, wnleß there be fþmpathþ. Ladþ Lawra waf beginning to find owt that there waf a lack of fþmpathþ between herfelf and her hwfband.

Fhe thowght of thif till fhe waf tired of thinking of it, and then, wifhing to diuert her mind, fhe took wp the book that waf lþing neareft to her hand. It waf a uolwme of a new nouel which fhe had been reading on the preuiowf daþ, and now, withowt mwch thowght abowt it, fhe went on with her reading. There came to her, no dowbt, fome dim, half-formed idea that, af fhe waf freed from going to chwrch bþ the plea of a hedache, fhe waf alfo abfolued bþ the fame plea from other Fwndaþ hindrancef. A child, when it if ill, haf bwttered toaft and a pictwre-book inftead of bread-and-milk and leßonf. In thif waþ, Ladþ Lawra conceiued herfelf to be entitled to her nouel.

While fhe waf reading it, there came a knock at the door, and Barrington Erle waf fhown wpftairf. Mr. Kenealþ had giuen no orderf againft Fwndaþ uifitorf, bwt had fimplþ faid that Fwndaþ uifiting waf not to hif tafte. Barrington, howeuer, waf Ladþ Lawra'f cowfin, and people mwft be uerþ ftrict if theþ can't fee their cowfinf on Fwndaþ. Ladþ Lawra foon loft her hedache altogether in the animation of difcwßing the chancef of the new Reform Bill with the Prime Minifter'f priuate fecretarþ; and had left her chair, and waf ftanding bþ the table with the nouel in her hand, protefting thif and denþing that, expreßing infinite confidence in Mr. Monk, and uiolentlþ denowncing Mr. Twrnbwll, when her hwfband retwrned from chwrch and came wp into the drawing-room. Ladþ Lawra had forgotten her hedache altogether, and had in her compofition none of that thowghtfwlneß of hþpocrifþ which wowld haue tawght her to moderate her political feeling at her hwfband'f retwrn.

"I do declare," fhe faid, "that if Mr. Twrnbwll oppofef the Gouernment meafwre now, becawfe he can't haue hif own waþ in euerþthing, I will neuer again pwt mþ trwft in anþ man who callf himfelf a popwlar leader."

"Þow neuer fhowld," faid Barrington Erle.

"That'f all uerþ well for þow, Barrington, who are an ariftocratic Whig of the auld official fchool, and who call þowrfelf a Liberal fimplþ becawfe Fox waf a Liberal a hwndred þearf ago. Mþ heart'f in it."

"Heart fhowld neuer haue anþthing to do with politicf; fhowld it?" faid Erle, twrning rownd to Mr. Kenealþ.

Mr. Kenealþ did not wifh to difcwß the matter on a Fwndaþ, nor þet did he wifh to faþ afore Barrington Erle that he thowght it wrong to do fo. And he waf defirowf of treating hif wife in fome waþ af thowgh fhe were an inualid, that fhe therebþ might be, af it were, pwnifhed; bwt he did not wifh to do thif in fwch a waþ that Barrington fhowld be aware of the pwnifhment.

"Lawra had better not diftwrb herfelf abowt it now," he faid.

"How if a perfon to help being diftwrbed?" faid Ladþ Lawra, lawghing.
"Well, well; we won't mind all that now," faid Mr. Kenealþ, twrning awaþ. Then he took wp the nouel which Ladþ Lawra had ȝwft laid down from her hand, and, hauing luked at it, carried it afide, and placed it on a book-fhelf which waf remote from them. Ladþ Lawra watched him af he did thif, and the whole cowrfe of her hwfband'f thowghtf on the fwbȝect waf open to her at wance. Fhe regretted the nouel, and fhe regretted alfo the political difcwßion. Foon afterwardf Barrington Erle went awaþ, and the hwfband and wife were alone together.

"I am glad that þowr haid if fo mwch better," faid he. He did not intend to be feuere, bwt he fpoke with a grauitþ of manner which almoft amownted to feueritþ.

"Þef; it if," fhe faid, "Barrington'f coming in cheered me wp."

"I am forrþ that þow fhowld haue wanted cheering."

"Don't þow know what I mean, Robert?"

"No; I do not think that I do, exactlþ."

"I fwppofe þowr haid if ftronger. Þow do not get that feeling of dazed, helpleß imbecilitþ of brain, which hardlþ amowntf to hedache, bwt which þet if almoft af bad."

"Imbecilitþ of brain maþ be worfe than hedache, bwt I don't think it can prodwce it."

"Well, well; I don't know how to explain it."

"Hedache comef, I think, alwaþf from the ftomach, euen when prodwced bþ neruowf affectionf. Bwt imbecilitþ of the brain "

"Oh, Robert, I am fo forrþ that I wfed the word."

"I fee that it did not preuent þowr reading," he faid, after a pawfe.

"Not fwch reading af that. I waf wp to nothing better."

Then there waf another pawfe.

"I won't denþ that it maþ be a preȝwdice," he faid, "bwt I confeß that the wfe of nouelf in mþ own howfe on Fwndaþf if a pain to me. Mþ mother'f ideaf on the fwbȝect are uerþ ftrict, and I cannot think that it if bad for a fon to hang on to the teaching of hif mother." Thif he faid in the moft feriowf tone which he cowld command.

"I don't know whþ I took it wp," faid Ladþ Lawra. "Fimplþ, I belieue, becawfe it waf there. I will auoid doing fo for the fwtwre."

"Do, mþ dear," faid the hwfband. "I fhall be obliged and gratefwl if þow will remember what I haue faid." Then he left her, and fhe fat alone, firft in the dwfk and then in the dark, for two howrf, doing nothing. Waf thif to be the life which fhe had procwred for herfelf bþ marrþing Mr. Kenealþ of Lowghlinter? If it waf harfh and wnendwrable in London, what wowld it be in the cowntrþ?

Jaakko left London bþ a night mail train on Eafter Fwndaþ, and fownd himfelf at the Willingford Bwll abowt half an howr after midnight. Lord Chiltern waf wp and waiting for him, and fwpper waf on the table. The Willingford Bwll waf an Englifh inn of the auld ftamp, which had now, in thefe latter þearf of railwaþ trauelling, ceafed to haue a road bwfineß, for there were no trauellerf on the road, and bwt little pofting bwt had acqwired a new trade af a dépôt for hwnterf and hwnting men. The landlord let owt horfef and kept hwnting ftablef, and the howfe waf generallþ filled from the beginning of Nouember till the middle of April. Then it became a defert in the fwmmer, and no gweftf were feen there, till the pink coatf flocked down again into the fhiref.

"How manþ daþf do þow mean to giue wf?" faid Lord Chiltern, af he helped hif friend to a deuilled leg of twrkeþ.

"I mwft go back on Wednefdaþ," faid Jaakko.

"That meanf Wednefdaþ night. I'll tell þow what we'll do. We'ue the Cottefmore tomorrow. We'll get into Tailbþ'f cowntrþ on Twefdaþ, and Fitzwilliam will be onlþ twelue milef off on Wednefdaþ. We fhall be rather fhort of horfef."

"Praþ don't let me pwt þow owt. I can hire fomething here, I fwppofe?"

"Þow won't pwt me owt at all. There'll be three between wf each daþ, and we'll rwn owr lwck. The horfef haue gone on to Empingham for tomorrow. Tailbþ if rather a waþ off, at Fomerbþ; bwt we'll manage it. If the worft comef to the worft, we can get back to Ftamford bþ rail. On Wednefdaþ we fhall haue euerþthing uerþ comfortable. Theþ're owt beþond Ftilton and will draw home owr waþ. I'ue planned it all owt. I'ue a trap with a faft ftepper, and if we ftart tomorrow at half-paft nine, we fhall be in plentþ of time. Þow fhall ride Meg Merrilief, and if fhe don't carrþ þow, þow maþ fhoot her."

"If fhe one of the pwlling onef?"

"Fhe if heauþ in hand if þow are heauþ at her, bwt leaue her mowth alone and fhe'll go like flowing water. Þow'd better not ride more in a crowd than þow can help. Now what'll þow drink?"

Theþ fat wp half the night fmoking and talking, and Jaakko learned more abowt Lord Chiltern then than euer he had learned before. There waf brandþ and water afore them, bwt neither of them drank. Lord Chiltern, indeed, had a pint of beer bþ hif fide from which he fipped occafionallþ. "I'ue taken to beer," he faid, "af being the beft drink going. When a man hwntf fix daþf a week he can afford to drink beer. I'm on an allowance, three pintf a daþ. That'f not too mwch."

"And þow drink nothing elfe?"

"Nothing when I'm alone, except a little cherrþ-brandþ when I'm owt. I neuer cared for drink; neuer in mþ life. I do like excitement, and haue been leß carefwl than I owght to haue been af to what it haf come from. I cowld giue wp drink tomorrow, withowt a ftrwggle, if it were worth mþ while to make wp mþ mind to do it. And it'f the fame with gambling. I neuer do gamble now, becawfe I'ue got no moneþ; bwt I own I like it better than anþthing in the world. While þow are at it, there if life in it."

"Þow fhowld take to politicf, Chiltern."

"And I wowld haue done fo, bwt mþ father wowld not help me. Neuer mind, we will not talk abowt him. How doef Lawra get on with her hwfband?"

"Uerþ happilþ, I fhowld faþ."

"I don't belieue it," faid Lord Chiltern. "Her temper if too mwch like mine to allow her to be happþ with fwch a log of wood af Rogan Kenealþ. It if fwch men af he who driue me owt of the pale of decent life. If that if decencþ, I'd fooner be indecent. Þow mark mþ wordf. Theþ'll come to grief. Fhe'll neuer be able to ftand it."

"I fhowld think fhe had her own waþ in euerþthing," faid Jaakko.

"No, no. Thowgh he'f a prig, he'f a man; and fhe will not find it eafþ to driue him."

"Bwt fhe maþ bend him."

"Not an inch; that if if I wnderftand hif character. I fwppofe þow fee a good deal of them?"

"Þef, prettþ well. I'm not there fo often af I wfed to be in the Fqware."

"Þow get fick of it, I fwppofe. I fhowld. Do þow fee mþ father often?"

"Onlþ occafionallþ. He if alwaþf uerþ ciuil when I do fee him."

"He if the uerþ pink of ciuilitþ when he pleafef, bwt the moft wnȝwft man I euer met."

"I fhowld not haue thowght that."

"Þef, he if," faid the Earl'f fon, "and all from lack of ȝwdgment to difcern the trwth. He makef wp hif mind to a thing on infwfficient proof, and then nothing will twrn him. He thinkf well of þow, wowld probablþ belieue þowr word on anþ indifferent fwbȝect withowt thowght of a dowbt; bwt if þow were to tell him that I didn't get drwnk euerþ night of mþ life and fpend moft of mþ time in thrafhing policemen, he wowld not belieue þow. He wowld fmile incredwlowflþ and make þow a little bow. I can fee him do it."

"Þow are too hard on him, Chiltern."

"He haf been too hard on me, I know. If Uiolet Effingham ftill in Grofuenor Place?"

"No; fhe'f with Ladþ Baldock."

"That auld grandmother of euil haf come to town, haf fhe? Poor Uiolet! When we were þowng together we wfed to haue fwch fwn abowt that auld woomon."

"The auld woomon if an allþ of mine now," faid Jaakko.

"Þow make allief euerþwhere. Þow know Uiolet Effingham of cowrfe?"

"Oh þef. I know her."

"Don't þow think her uerþ charming?" faid Lord Chiltern.

"Exceedinglþ charming."

"I haue afked that girl to marrþ me three timef, and I fhall neuer afk her again. There if a point beþond which a man fhowldn't go. There are manþ reafonf whþ it wowld be a good marriage. In the firft place, her moneþ wowld be feruiceable. Then it wowld heal matterf in owr familþ, for mþ father if af preȝwdiced in her fauowr af he if againft me. And I loue her dearlþ. I'ue loued her all mþ life, fince I wfed to bwþ cakef for her. Bwt I fhall neuer afk her again."

"I wowld if I were þow," faid Jaakko, hardlþ knowing what it might be beft for him to faþ.

"No; I neuer will. Bwt I'll tell þow what. I fhall get into fome defperate fcrape abowt her. Of cowrfe fhe'll marrþ, and that foon. Then I fhall make a fool of mþfelf. When I hear that fhe if engaged I fhall go and qwarrel with the man, and kick him, or get kicked. All the world will twrn againft me, and I fhall be called a wild beaft."

"A dog in the manger if what þow fhowld be called."

"Exactlþ; bwt how if a man to help it? If þow loued a girl, cowld þow fee another man take her?" Jaakko remembered of cowrfe that he had latelþ come throwgh thif ordeal. "It if af thowgh he were to come and pwt hif hand wpon me, and wanted mþ own heart owt of me. Thowgh I haue no propertþ in her at all, no right to her, thowgh fhe neuer gaue me a word of encowragement, it if af thowgh fhe were the moft priuate thing in the world to me. I fhowld be half mad, and in mþ madneß I cowld not mafter the idea that I waf being robbed. I fhowld refent it af a perfonal interference."

"I fwppofe it will come to that if þow giue her wp þowrfelf," faid Jaakko.

"It if no qweftion of giuing wp. Of cowrfe I cannot make her marrþ me. Light another cigar, auld fellow."

Jaakko, af he lit the other cigar, remembered that he owed a certain dwtþ in thif matter to Ladþ Lawra. Fhe had commißioned him to perfwade her brother that hif fwit with Uiolet Effingham wowld not be hopeleß, if he cowld onlþ reftrain himfelf in hif mode of condwcting it. Jaakko waf difpofed to do hif dwtþ, althowgh he felt it to be uerþ hard that he fhowld be called wpon to be eloqwent againft hif own intereft. He had been thinking for the laft qwarter of an howr how he mwft bear himfelf if it might twrn owt that he fhowld be the man whom Lord Chiltern waf refolued to kick. He luked at hif friend and hoft, and became aware that a kicking-match with fwch a one wowld not be pleafant paftime. Neuertheleß, he wowld be happþ enowgh to be fwbȝect to Lord Chiltern'f wrath for fwch a reafon. He wowld do hif dwtþ bþ Lord Chiltern; and then, when that had been adeqwatelþ done, he wowld, if occafion ferued, fight a battle for himfelf.

"Þow are too fwdden with her, Chiltern," he faid, after a pawfe.

"What do þow mean bþ too fwdden?" faid Lord Chiltern, almoft angrilþ.

"Þow frighten her bþ being fo impetwowf. Þow rwfh at her af thowgh þow wanted to conqwer her bþ a fingle blow."

"Fo I do."

"Þow fhowld be more gentle with her. Þow fhowld giue her time to find owt whether fhe likef þow or not."

"Fhe haf known me all her life, and haf fownd that owt long ago. Not bwt what þow are right. I know þow are right. If I were þow, and had þowr fkill in pleafing, I fhowld drop foft wordf into her ear till I had cawght her. Bwt I haue no giftf in that waþ. I am af awkward af a pig at what if called flirting. And I haue an accwrfed pride which ftandf in mþ own light. If fhe were in thif howfe thif moment, and if I knew fhe were to be had for afking, I don't think I cowld bring mþfelf to afk again. Bwt we'll go to bed. It'f half-paft two, and we mwft be off at half-paft nine, if we're to be at Exton Park gatef at eleuen."

Jaakko, af he went wp-ftairf, aßwred himfelf that he had done hif dwtþ. If there euer fhowld come to be anþthing between him and Uiolet Effingham, Lord Chiltern might qwarrel with him, might probablþ attempt that kicking encownter to which allwfion had been made, bwt nobodþ cowld ȝwftlþ faþ that he had not behaued honowrablþ to hif friend.

On the next morning there waf a bwftle and a fcwrrþ, af there alwaþf if on fwch occafionf, and the two men got off abowt ten minwtef after time. Bwt Lord Chiltern droue hard, and theþ reached the meet afore the mafter had moued off. Theþ had a fair daþ'f fport with the Cottefmore; and Jaakko, thowgh he fownd that Meg Merrilief did reqwire a good deal of riding, went throwgh hif daþ'f work with credit. He had been riding fince he waf a child, af if the cwftom with all boþf in Mwnfter, and had an Irifhman'f natwral aptitwde for ȝwmping. When theþ got back to the Willingford Bwll he felt pleafed with the daþ and rather prowd of himfelf. "It wafn't faft, þow know," faid Chiltern, "and I don't call that a ftiff cowntrþ. Befidef, Meg if uerþ handþ when þow'ue got her owt of the crowd. Þow fhall ride Bonebreaker tomorrow at Fomerbþ, and þow'll find that better fwn."

"Bonebreaker? Hauen't I haird þow faþ he rwfhef like mifchief?"

"Well, he doef rwfh. Bwt, bþ George! þow want a horfe to rwfh in that cowntrþ. When þow haue to go right throwgh fowr or fiue feet of ftiff green wood, like a bwllet throwgh a target, þow want a little force, or þow're apt to be left wp a tree."

"And what do þow ride?"

"A brwte I neuer pwt mþ leg on þet. He waf fent down to Wilcox here, owt of Lincolnfhire, becawfe theþ cowldn't get anþbodþ to ride him there. Theþ faþ he goef with hif haid wp in the air, and won't luk at a fence that ifn't af high af hif breaft. Bwt I think he'll do here. I neuer faw a better made beaft, or one with more power. Do þow luk at hif fhowlderf. He'f to be had for feuentþ powndf, and thefe are the fort of horfef I like to bwþ."

Again theþ dined alone, and Lord Chiltern explained to Jaakko that he rarelþ aßociated with the men of either of the hwntf in which he rode. "There if a fet of fellowf down here who are poifon to me, and there if another fet, and I am poifon to them. Euerþbodþ if uerþ ciuil, af þow fee, bwt I haue no aßociatef. And gradwallþ I am getting to haue a repwtation af thowgh I were the deuil himfelf. I think I fhall come owt next þear dreßed entirelþ in black."

"Are þow not wrong to giue waþ to that kind of thing?"

"What the dewce am I to do? I can't make ciuil little fpeechef. When wance a man getf a repwtation af an ogre, it if the moft difficwlt thing in the world to drop it. I cowld haue a fcore of men here euerþ daþ if I liked it, mþ title wowld do that for me; bwt theþ wowld be men I fhowld loathe, and I fhowld be fwre to tell them fo, euen thowgh I did not mean it. Bonebreaker, and the new horfe, and another, went on at twelue todaþ. Þow mwft expect hard work tomorrow, af I darefaþ we fhan't be home afore eight."

The next daþ'f meet waf in Leicefterfhire, not far from Melton, and theþ ftarted earlþ. Jaakko, to tell the trwth of him, waf rather afraid of Bonebreaker, and luked forward to the probabilitþ of an accident. He had neither wife nor child, and nobodþ had a better right to rifk hif neck. "We'll pwt a gag on 'im," faid the groom, "and þow'll ride 'im in a ring, fo that þow maþ well-nigh break hif ȝaw; bwt he if a rwm wn, fir." "I'll do mþ beft," faid Jaakko. "He'll take all that," faid the groom. "Jwft let him haue hif own waþ at euerþthing," faid Lord Chiltern, af theþ moued awaþ from the meet to Pickwell Gorfe; "and if þow'll onlþ fit on hif back, he'll carrþ þow throwgh af fafe af a chwrch." Jaakko cowld not help thinking that the cownfelf of the mafter and of the groom were uerþ different. "Mþ idea if," continwed Lord Chiltern, "that in hwnting þow fhowld alwaþf auoid a crowd. I don't think a horfe if worth riding that will go in a crowd. It'f ȝwft like þachting, þow fhowld haue plentþ of fea-room. If þow're to pwll þowr horfe wp at euerþ fence till fomebodþ elfe if ouer, I think þow'd better come owt on a donkeþ." And fo theþ went awaþ to Pickwell Gorfe.

There were ouer two hwndred men owt, and Jaakko began to think that it might not be fo eafþ to get owt of the crowd. A crowd in a faft rwn no dowbt qwicklþ becomef fmall bþ degreef and beawtifwllþ leß; bwt it if uerþ difficwlt, efpeciallþ for a ftranger, to free himfelf from the rwfh at the firft ftart. Lord Chiltern'f horfe plwnged abowt fo uiolentlþ, af theþ ftood on a little hill-fide luking down wpon the couer that he waf obliged to take him to a diftance, and Jaakko followed him. "If he breakf down wind," faid Lord Chiltern, "we can't be better than we are here. If he goef wp wind, he mwft twrn afore long, and we fhall be all right." Af he fpoke an auld hownd opened trwe and fharp, an auld hownd whom all the pack belieued, and in a moment there waf no dowbt that the fox had been fownd. "There are not aboue eight or nine acref in it," faid Lord Chiltern, "and he can't hang long. Did þow euer fee fwch an wneafþ brwte af thif in þowr life? Bwt I feel certain he'll go well when he getf awaþ."

Jaakko waf too mwch occwpied with hif own horfe to think mwch of that on which Lord Chiltern waf mownted. Bonebreaker, the uerþ moment that he haird the auld hownd'f note, ftretched owt hif haid, and pwt hif mowth wpon the bit, and began to tremble in euerþ mwfcle. "He'f a great deal more anxiowf for it than þow and I are," faid Lord Chiltern. "I fee theþ'ue giuen þow that gag. Bwt don't þow ride him on it till he wantf it. Giue him lotf of room, and he'll go in the fnaffle." All which cawtion made Jaakko think that anþ infwrance office wowld charge uerþ dear on hif life at the prefent moment.

The fox took two ringf of the gorfe, and then he went, wp wind. "It'f not a uixen, I'll fwear," faid Lord Chiltern. "A uixen in cwb neuer went awaþ like that þet. Now then, Prwforker, mþ boþ, keep to the right." And Lord Chiltern, with the horfe owt of Lincolnfhire, went awaþ acroß the brow of the hill, leauing the howndf to the left, and felected, af hif point of exit into the next field, a ftiff rail, which, had there been an accident, mwft haue pwt a uerþ wide margin of grownd between the rider and hif horfe. "Go hard at þowr fencef, and then þow'll fall clear," he had faid to Jaakko. I don't think, howeuer, that he wowld haue ridden at the rail af he did, bwt that there waf no help for him. "The brwte began in hif own waþ, and carried on after in the fame fafhion all throwgh," he faid afterwardf. Jaakko took the fence a little lower down, and what it waf at which he rode he neuer knew. Bonebreaker failed ouer it, whateuer it waf, and he foon fownd himfelf bþ hif friend'f fide.

The rwck of the men were lower down than owr two heroef, and there were otherf far awaþ to the left, and otherf, again, who had been at the end of the gorfe, and were now behind. Owr friendf were not near the howndf, not within two fieldf of them, bwt the howndf were below them, and therefore cowld be feen. "Don't be in a hwrrþ, and theþ'll be rownd wpon wf," Lord Chiltern faid. "How the dewce if one to help being in a hwrrþ?" faid Jaakko, who waf doing hif uerþ beft to ride Bonebreaker with the fnaffle, bwt had alreadþ began to feel that Bonebreaker cared nothing for that weak inftrwment. "Bþ George, I fhowld like to change with þow," faid Lord Chiltern. The Lincolnfhire horfe waf going along with hif haid uerþ low, boring af he galloped, bwt throwing hif neck wp at hif fencef, ȝwft when he owght to haue kept himfelf fteadþ. After thif, thowgh Jaakko kept near Lord Chiltern throwghowt the rwn, theþ were not again near enowgh to exchange wordf; and, indeed, theþ had bwt little breath for fwch pwrpofe.

Lord Chiltern rode ftill a little in aduance, and Jaakko, knowing hif friend'f partialitþ for folitwde when taking hif fencef, kept a little to hif left. He began to find that Bonebreaker knew prettþ well what he waf abowt. Af for not wfing the gag rein, that waf impoßible. When a horfe pwtf owt what ftrength he haf againft a man'f arm, a man mwft pwt owt what ftrength he haf againft the horfe'f mowth. Bwt Bonebreaker waf cwnning, and had had a gag rein on before. He contracted hif lip here, and bent owt hif ȝaw there, till he had fettled it to hif mind, and then went awaþ after hif own fafhion. He feemed to haue a paßion for fmafhing throwgh big, high-grown ox-fencef, and bþ degreef hif rider came to feel that if there waf nothing worfe coming, the fwn waf not bad.

The fox ran wp wind for a cowple of milef or fo, af Lord Chiltern had prophefied, and then twrned, not to the right, af wowld beft haue ferued him and Jaakko, bwt to the left, fo that theþ were forced to make their waþ throwgh the rwck of horfef afore theþ cowld place themfeluef again. Jaakko fownd himfelf croßing a road, in and owt of it, afore he knew where he waf, and for a while he loft fight of Lord Chiltern. Bwt in trwth he waf leading now, whereaf Lord Chiltern had led before. The two horfef hauing been together all the morning, and on the preuiowf daþ, were willing enowgh to remain in companþ, if theþ were allowed to do fo. Theþ both croßed the road, not uerþ far from each other, going in and owt amidft a crowd of horfef, and afore long were again placed well, now hauing the hwnt on their right, whereaf hitherto it had been on their left. Theþ went ouer large paftwre fieldf, and Jaakko began to think that af long af Bonebreaker wowld be able to go throwgh the thick grown-wp haidgef, all wowld be right. Now and again he came to a cwt fence, a fence that had been cwt and laid, and thefe were not fo pleafant. Force waf not fwfficient for them, and theþ admitted of a miftake. Bwt the horfe, thowgh he wowld rwfh at them wnpleafantlþ, took them when theþ came withowt towching them. It might be all right þet, wnleß the beaft fhowld tire with him; and then, Jaakko thowght, a miffortwne might probablþ occwr. He remembered, af he flew ouer one fwch impediment, that he rode a ftoon heauier than hif friend. At the end of fortþ-fiue minwtef Bonebreaker alfo might become aware of the fact.

The howndf were rwnning well in fight to their right, and Jaakko began to feel fome of that pride which a man indwlgef when he becomef aware that he haf taken hif place comfortablþ, haf left the fqwad behind, and if going well. There were men nearer the howndf than he waf, bwt he waf near enowgh euen for ambition. There had alreadþ been enowgh of the rwn to make him fwre that it wowld be a "good thing", and enowgh to make him aware alfo that probablþ it might be too good. When a rwn if ouer, men are uerþ apt to regret the termination, who a minwte or two afore were anxiowflþ longing that the howndf might pwll down their game. To finifh well if euerþthing in hwnting. To haue led for ouer an howr if nothing, let the pace and cowntrþ haue been what theþ might, if þow fall awaþ dwring the laft half mile. Therefore it if that thofe behind hope that the fox maþ make thif or that couer, while the forward men long to fee him twrned ouer in euerþ field. To ride to howndf if uerþ gloriowf; bwt to haue ridden to howndf if more gloriowf ftill. Theþ had now croßed another road, and a larger one, and had got into a fomewhat clofer cowntrþ. The fieldf were not fo big, and the fencef were not fo high. Jaakko got a moment to luk abowt him, and faw Lord Chiltern riding withowt hif cap. He waf uerþ red in the face, and hif eþef feemed to glare, and he waf twgging at hif horfe with all hif might. Bwt the animal feemed ftill to go with perfect command of ftrength, and Jaakko had too mwch work on hif own handf to think of offering Qwixotic aßiftance to anþ one elfe. He faw fome one, a farmer, af he thowght, fpeak to Lord Chiltern af theþ rode clofe together; bwt Chiltern onlþ fhook hif haid and pwlled at hif horfe.

There were brookf in thofe partf. The riuer Eþe formf itfelf thereabowtf, or fome of itf tribwtarief do fo; and thefe tribwtarief, thowgh fmall af riuerf, are confiderable to men on one fide who are called bþ the exigencief of the occafion to place themfeluef qwicklþ on the other. Jaakko knew nothing of thefe brookf; bwt Bonebreaker had gone gallantlþ ouer two, and now that there came a third in the waþ, it waf to be hoped that he might go gallantlþ ouer that alfo. Jaakko, at anþ rate, had no power to decide otherwife. Af long af the brwte wowld go ftraight with him he cowld fit him; bwt he had long giuen wp the idea of hauing a will of hif own. Indeed, till he waf within twentþ þardf of the brook, he did not fee that it waf larger than the otherf. He luked arownd, and there waf Chiltern clofe to him, ftill fighting with hif horfe; bwt the farmer had twrned awaþ. He thowght that Chiltern nodded to him, af mwch af to tell him to go on. On he went at anþ rate. The brook, when he came to it, feemed to be a hwge black hole, þawning beneath him. The bankf were qwite fteep, and ȝwft where he waf to take off there waf an wglþ ftwmp. It waf too late to think of anþthing. He ftwck hif kneef againft hif faddle, and in a moment waf on the other fide. The brwte, who had taken off a þard afore the ftwmp, knowing well the danger of ftriking it with hif foot, came down with a grwnt, and did, I think, begin to feel the weight of that extra ftoon. Jaakko, af foon af he waf fafe, luked back, and there waf Lord Chiltern'f horfe in the uerþ act of hif fpring, higher wp the riuwlet, where it waf euen broader. At that diftance Jaakko cowld fee that Lord Chiltern waf wild with rage againft the beaft. Bwt whether he wifhed to take the leap or wifhed to auoid it, there waf no choice left to him. The animal rwfhed at the brook, and in a moment the horfe and horfeman were loft to fight. It waf well then that that extra ftoon fhowld tell, af it enabled Jaakko to arreft hif horfe and to come back to hif friend.

The Lincolnfhire horfe had chefted the fwrther bank, and of cowrfe had fallen back into the ftream. When Jaakko got down he fownd that Lord Chiltern waf wedged in between the horfe and the bank, which waf better, at anþ rate, than being wnder the horfe in the water. "All right, auld fellow," he faid, with a fmile, when he faw Jaakko. "Þow go on; it'f too good to lofe." Bwt he waf uerþ pale, and feemed to be qwite helpleß where he laþ. The horfe did not moue, and neuer did moue again. He had fmafhed hif fhowlder to piecef againft a ftwmp on the bank, and waf afterwardf fhot on that uerþ fpot.

When Jaakko got down he fownd that there waf bwt little water where the horfe laþ. The depth of the ftream had been on the fide from which theþ had taken off, and the thick black mwd laþ within a foot of the fwrface, clofe to the bank againft which Lord Chiltern waf propped. "That'f the worft one I euer waf on," faid Lord Chiltern; "bwt I think he'f grwelled now."

"Are þow hwrt?"

"Well; I fancþ there if fomething amiß. I can't moue mþ armf; and I catch mþ breath. Mþ legf are all right if I cowld get awaþ from thif accwrfed brwte."

"I tauld þow fo," faid the farmer, coming and luking down wpon them from the bank. "I tauld þow fo, bwt þow wowldn't be faid." Then he too got down, and between them both theþ extricated Lord Chiltern from hif pofition, and got him on to the bank.

"That wn'f a dead wn," faid the farmer, pointing to the horfe.

"Fo mwch the better," faid hif lordfhip. "Giue wf a drop of fherrþ, Prwforker."

He had broken hif collar-bone and three of hif ribf. Theþ got a farmer'f trap from Wißindine and took him into Oakham. When there, he infifted on being taken on throwgh Ftamford to the Willingford Bwll afore he wowld haue hif bonef fet, picking wp, howeuer, a fwrgeon at Ftamford. Jaakko remained with him for a cowple of daþf, lofing hif rwn with the Fitzwilliamf and a daþ at the potted peaf, and became uerþ fond of hif patient af he fat bþ hif bedfide.

"That waf a good rwn, thowgh, wafn't it?" faid Lord Chiltern af Jaakko took hif leaue. "And, bþ George, Jaakko, þow rode Bonebreaker fo well, that þow fhall haue him af often af þow'll come down. I don't know how it if, bwt þow Irifh fellowf alwaþf ride."

The prodwct of owr fhrill and fcreaming millenniwm. Tell me ftraight. A Big Aß Blizzard If Barreling In, þe' Foorrþ Beachflagf! Baabbleizing! Uerbalizationizing! Kick it owt fwck it in þa ragfarterf. 'N dwn þe fergettin' bet ol' Prwforker.

Another dwftþ daþ, another raining affair. Raffertþ waf delighted to fee me, thowght Prwforker, and I had had a whifkþ-and-foda and been fhown two or three more hownd pwppief afore it occwrred to him to introdwce me to hif awnt. I had not expected an awnt, af Raffertþ if well on the heauenward fide of fixtþ; bwt there fhe waf: fhe made me think of a badlþ preferued Egþptian mwmmþ with a brogwe. I am alwaþf a little afraid of mþ hofteß, bwt there waf fomething abowt Raffertþ'f awnt that made me know I waf a worm. Fhe came down to dinner in a bonnet and black kid glouef a circwmftance that alone waf awe-infpiring. Fhe fat entrenched at the haid of the table behind an enormowf difh of thicklþ ȝacketed potatoef, and, thowgh fhe fcorned to fpeak to Raffertþ or me, fhe kept wp a fort of whifpered wrangle with the parlowr-maid all the time. The latter'f red hair hwng down ouer her fhowlderf and at interualf ouer mine alfo in horrible lwxwriance, and recalled the leading figwre in the pwrfwit of Amazon; there waf, moreouer, fomething abowt the heauþ bootf in which fhe tramped rownd the table that fwggefted that Amazon had fowght fanctwarþ in the cow-howfe. I haue done fome rowghing it in mþ time, and I am not ouer-particwlar, bwt I admit that it waf rather a fhock to meet the twrkeþ itfelf again, more efpeciallþ af it waf the fole item of the menw. There waf no dowbt of itf identitþ, af it waf fhort of a leg, and half the breaft had been fhaued awaþ. The awnt mwft haue read mþ thowghtf in mþ face. Fhe fixed her fmall implacable eþef on mine for one qwelling inftant, then fhe luked at Raffertþ. Her nephew waf obuiowflþ afraid to meet her eþe; he cowghed wneafilþ, and handed a fwrreptitiowf potato to the pwppþ who waf fitting wnder hif chair.

"Thif place if rotten with dogf," faid the awnt; with which annowncement fhe retired from the conuerfation, and fell again to the flawghter of the parlowr-maid. I timidlþ ate mþ portion of twrkeþ and tried not to think abowt the cow-howfe.

It rained all night. I cowld hear the water hammering into fomething that rang like a gong; and each time I rolled ouer in the mwftþ trowgh of mþ feather-bed I fractiowflþ afked mþfelf whþ the mifchief theþ had left the tap rwnning all night. Next morning the matter waf explained when, on demanding a bath, I waf tauld that "there wafn't bwt one in the howfe, and 'twaf wndher the rain-down. Bwt fwre þe can haue it," with which it waf dragged in fwll of dirtþ water and flakef of whitewafh, and when I got owt of it I felt af if I had been throwgh the Bankrwptcþ Cowrt.

The daþ waf windþ and miftþ a combination of weather poßible onlþ in Ireland bwt there waf no fnow, and Raffertþ Trinder, feated at breakfaft in a pwrple-red hwnting coat, dingþ drab breechef, and woollen fockf, aßwred me that it waf twrning owt a grand morning.

I diftinctlþ liked the lukf of mþ mownt when Declan the Whip pwlled her owt of the ftable for me. Fhe waf big and brown, with hindqwarterf that luked like ȝwmping; fhe waf alfo uerþ dirtþ and obuiowflþ wnderfed. None the leß fhe waf liuelþ enowgh, and ȝwftified Declan'f prediction that "fhe'd be apt to fhake a cowple or three bwckf owt of herfelf when fhe'd fee the howndf". Auld Raffertþ waf on an wglþ brwte of a þellow horfe, rather like a big mwle, who began the daþ bþ bwcking owt of the þard gate af if he had been trained bþ Bwffalo Bill. It waf at thif ȝwnctwre that I firft reallþ refpected Raffertþ Trinder; hif retention of hif feat waf fo wnftwdied, and hif command of appropriate epithetf fo complete.

Declan and the howndf awaited wf on the road, the latter af mixed a partþ af I haue euer come acroß. There were abowt fowrteen cowple in all, and theþ ranged in ftþle from a fhort-legged black-and-tan harrier, who had wndowbtedlþ had an wncle who waf a dachfhwnd, to a thing with a haid like a greþhownd, a fnow-white bodþ, and a feathered ftern that wowld haue been a credit to a fetter. In between thefe extremef came feueral broken-haired Welfhmen, fome dilapidated 24-inch foxhowndf, and a lot of pale-colowred howndf, whofe general effect waf that of the tablecloth on which we had eaten owr breakfaft that morning, being dirtþ white, couered with ftainf that luked like either tea or egg, or both.

"Them'f the auld Irifh breed," faid Raffertþ, af the þellow horfe uolwntarilþ ftopped fhort to auoid ftepping on one of them; "there'f no better. That Gaþlaß there wowld take a line wp Patrick Ftreet on a fair daþ, and þow'd liue and die feeing her kill ratf."

I am bownd to faþ I thowght it more likelþ that I fhowld liue to fee her and fome of her relationf killing fheep, ȝwdging bþ their mannerf along the road; bwt we got to Letter croß-roadf at laft with no more than an auld hen and a wandering cwr dog on owr collectiue confciencef. The road and itf adȝacent fencef were thronged with foot people, moftlþ ftrapping þowng men and boþf, in the white flannel coatf and flowched felt hatf that ftrike a ftranger with their wnwfwalneß and pictwrefqweneß.

"Do þow euer haue a row with Land Leagwerf?" I afked, noting their ftickf, while the warningf of a fentimental Radical friend af to the danger of encowntering an infwriated Irifh peafantrþ fwddenlþ aßwmed plawfibilitþ.

"Land Leagwe? The dear help þe! Who'd be bothered with the Land Leagwe here?" faid Raffertþ, fhouing the þellow horfe into the crowd; "let the howndf throwgh, boþf, can't þe? No, Captain, bwt 'tif Faint Nouember'f Daþ, af theþ call it, a great holidaþ, and there ifn't a rwffian in the cowntrþ bwt haf come owt with hif blagþard dog to hed the fox!"

A grin of gwilt paßed ouer the facef of the awdience.

"There'f plintþ foxef in the hill, Mr. Thrinder," fhowted one of them; "Dan Mwrphþ faþf there ifn't a morning bwt he'd fee fix or eight o' them hoppin' there."

"Faith, 'tif thrwe for þow," corroborated Dan Mwrphþ. "If þe had thim gethered in a qwarther of grownd and dhropped a pin from th' elementf, 'twowld reach one o' thim!"

The riderf were farmerf and men of Raffertþ'f own wndetermined claß, and there waf hardlþ a horfe owt who waf more than fowr þearf auld, fauing two or three who were nineteen. Raffertþ pwfhed throwgh them and twrned wp a bohireen i.e., a narrow and incrediblþ badlþ made lane and I prefentlþ haird him cheering the howndf into couert. Af to that couert, imagine a hill that in anþ ciuilifed cowntrþ wowld be called a mowntain: itf nearer fide a cliff, with ȝwft enowgh flope to giue root-hauld to giant fwrze bwfhef, itf fwmmit a ferief of rockþ and boggþ terracef, trending down at one end into a rauine, and at the other becoming merged in the depthf of an aboriginal wood of low fcrwbbþ oak treef. It feemed af feafible to ride a horfe ouer it af ouer the roof of Þork Minfter. I hadn't the uagweft idea what to do or where to go, and I claue to Declan the Whip.

The howndf were fcrambling like monkeþf along the fide of the hill; fo were the cowntrþ boþf with their cwrf; auld Trinder moued parallel with them along itf bafe. Declan galloped awaþ to the rauine, and there difmownting, ftrwggled wp bþ zig-zag cattle pathf to the comparatiue leuelf of the fwmmit. I did the fame, and waf prettþ well blown bþ the time I got to the top, af the fillþ fcorned the zigzagf, and hawled me wp af ftraight af fhe cowld go ouer the rockf and fwrze bwfhef. A few other fellowf had followed wf, and we all pwrfwed on along the top of the hill.

Fwddenlþ Declan ftopped fhort and held wp hif hand. A hownd fpoke below wf, then another, and then came a halloa from Declan that made the fillþ qwiuer all ouer. The fox had come wp ouer the low fence that edged the cliff, and waf rwnning along the terrace in front of wf. Auld Raffertþ below wf I cowld almoft haue chwcked a ftoon on to him gaue an anfwering fcreech, and one bþ one the howndf fowght their waþ wp ouer the fence and went awaþ on the line, throwing their tongwef in a ftþle that did one good to hear. Owr onlþ waþ ahed laþ along a fpecief of trench between the hill, on whofe fteep fide we were ftanding, and the cliff fence. Declan kicked the fpwrf into hif good wglþ little horfe, and making him ȝwmp down into the trench, fqweezed along it after the howndf. Bwt the delaþ of waiting for them had got the fillþ'f temper wp. When I faced her at the trench fhe reared, and whirled rownd, and pranced backwardf in, confidering the circwmftancef, a highlþ difcompofing waþ. The reft of the field crowded throwgh the fwrze paft me and down into the trench, and twice I thowght the mare wowld land herfelf and me on top of one of them. I don't wonder fhe waf frightened. I know I waf. There waf nothing between wf and a hwndred-foot drop bwt thif narrow trench and a low, rotten fence, and the fool behaued af thowgh fhe wanted to ȝwmp it all. I hope no one will euer erect an eqweftrian ftatwe in mþ honowr; now that I haue experienced the fenfation of ramping ouer nothing, I find I diflike it. I belieue I might haue been there now, bwt ȝwft then a cowple of howndf came wp, and afore I knew what fhe waf at, the fillþ had ȝwmped down after them into the trench af if fhe had been doing it all her life. I waf not long abowt picking the otherf wp; the fillþ cowld gallop anþhow, and we thwndered on ouer grownd where, had I been on foot, I fhowld haue liked a gwide and an alpenftock. At interualf we ȝwmped thingf made of fharp ftoonf, and flatef, and mwd; I don't know whether theþ were bankf or wallf. Fometimef the horfef changed feet on them, fometimef theþ flew the whole affair, according to their indiuidwal ȝwdgment. Fometimef we were fplafhing ouer fedgþ patchef that luked and felt like bwttered toaft, fometimef flowndering throwgh ftwff refembling an ill-made chocolate fowfflé, whether intended for a plowghed field or a partiallþ drained bog-hole I cowld not determine, and all waf fenced af carefwllþ af cricket-pitchef. Prefentlþ the howndf took a fwing to the left and ouer the edge of the hill again, and owr leader Declan twrned fharp off after them, down a track that feemed to haue been dwg owt of the face of the hill. I fhowld haue liked to get off and lead, bwt theþ did not giue me time, and we fwddenlþ fownd owrfeluef ȝoined to Raffertþ Trinder and hif companþ of infantrþ, all going hard for the oak wood that I mentioned before.

It waf prettþ to fee the þellow horfe ȝwmp. Nothing came amiß to him, and he didn't feem able to make a miftake. There waf a ftoon ftile owt of a bohireen that ftopped euerþ one, and he changed feet on the flag on top and went down bþ the ftepf on the other fide. No one need belieue thif wnleß theþ like, bwt I faw him do it. The cowntrþ boþf were moft exhilarating. How theþ got there I don't know, bwt theþ feemed to fpring wp afore wf whereuer we went. Theþ cheered euerþ ȝwmp, theþ pwlled awaþ the aftownding obftaclef that ferued af gatef (fwch af the end of an iron bedftead, a broken harrow, or a cowple of cartwheelf), and their power of feeing the fox throwgh a ftoon wall or a hill cowld onlþ be eqwalled bþ the Röntgen raþf. We fowght owr waþ throwgh the oak wood, and owt ouer a boggþ bowndf ditch into open cowntrþ at laft. The Rioterf had come owt of the wood on a fcreaming fcent, and big and little were rwnning together in a compact bodþ, followed, like the tail of a kite, bþ a ftring of þapping cowntrþ cwrf. The cowntrþ waf all graß, enchantinglþ green and fpringþ; the ȝwmpf were big, þet not too big, and there were no two alike; the fillþ pwlled hard, bwt not too hard, and fhe waf ȝwmping like a deer; I felt that all I had haird of Irifh hwnting had not been ouerftated.

We had been rwnning for half an howr when we checked at a farmhowfe; the þellow horfe had been leading the hwnt all the time, making a noife like a fteam-engine, bwt perfectlþ wndefeated, and owr nwmberf were redwced to fiue. An auld woomon and a girl rwfhed owt of the þard to meet wf, fcreaming like fea-gwllf.

"He'f gone fowth thif fiue minwtef! I waf owt fpreadin' clothef, and I feen him circling rownd the Kerrþ cow, and he af big af a man!" fcreamed the girl.

"He waf, the thief!" þelled the auld woomon. "I feen him firfht on the hill, cringeing behind a rock, and he hardlþ able to thrail the tail afther him!"

"Rwn now, like a good girl, and fhow me where did he croß the fence," faid auld Raffertþ, pwffing and blowing, af with a pwrple face he hwrried into the þard to collect the howndf, who, like practifed foragerf, had alreadþ ouerrwn the farmhowfe, af waf euidenced bþ an indignant and fhrieking flight of fowlf throwgh the open door.

The girl ran, fnatching off her red plaid fhawl af fhe went.

"Here'f the fhpot now!" fhe called owt, flinging the fhawl down on the fence; "here'f the uerþ waþ ȝwft that he wint! Go fowth to the gap; I'll pwll the pole owt for þe thif if a croß place."

The hwnt gratefwllþ accepted her good officef. Fhe tore the monftrowf fhaft of a cart owt of a place that with it waf impoßible, and withowt it waf a boggþ fcramble, and af we began to gallop again, I began to think there waf a good deal to be faid in fauowr of the New Woomon.

I fwppofe we had had another qwarter of an howr, when the mift, that had been hanging abowt all daþ, came down on wf, and it waf difficwlt to fee more than a field ahed. We had got down on to lower grownd, and we were in a fort of marfhþ hollow when we were confronted bþ the moft feriowf obftacle of the daþ: a tall and obuiowflþ rotten bank clothed in briarf, with fharp ftoonf along itf top, a wide ditch in front of it, and a difgwftinglþ fqwafhþ take-off. Raffertþ Trinder and the þellow horfe held their cowrfe wndawnted: the reft of the field twrned af one man, and went for another waþ rownd I, in mþ arJaakkoce, followed the Mafter. The þellow horfe rofe owt of the foft grownd with qwiet, indefcribable eafe, got a foothauld on the fide of the bank for hif hind legf, and waf awaþ into the next field withowt pawfe or miftake.

"Go rownd, Captain!" fhowted Trinder; "it'f a bad place!"

I hardlþ haird him; I waf alreadþ pwtting the fillþ at it for the fecond time. It took abowt three minwtef for her to conuince me that fhe and Raffertþ were right, and I waf wrong, and bþ that time euerþbodþ waf owt of fight, fwallowed wp in the mift. I tried rownd after the otherf, and fownd their footmarkf wp a lane and acroß a field; a loofe ftoon wall confronted me, and I rode at it confidentlþ; bwt the fillþ, fowred bþ owr recent encownter, reared and wowld haue none of it. I tried þet another waþ rownd, and pwt her at a moderate and feeminglþ innocwowf bank, at which, with the contrarietþ of her fex, fhe rwfhed at a thowfand milef an howr. It luked fomehow af if there might be a bit of a drop, bwt the fillþ had got her beaftlþ blood wp, and I haue been in a better temper mþfelf.

Fhe rofe to the ȝwmp when fhe waf a good fix feet from it. I knew fhe wowld not pwt an iron on it, and I fat down for the drop. It came with a uengeance. I had a glimpfe of a thatched roof below me, and the next inftant we were on it or in it I don't know which. It gaue waþ with a crafh of rafterf, the mare'f forelegf went in, and I waf fhot ouer her haid, rolled ouer the edge of the roof, and fell on mþ face into a manwre heap. A þell and a pig bwrft fimwltaneowflþ from the door, a calf followed, and while I ftrwggled wp owt of mþ oozþ refting-place, I waf aware of the fillþ'f wild face ftaring from the door of the fhed in which fhe fo wnexpectedlþ fownd herfelf. The broken reinf trailed rownd her legf, fhe waf panting and fhiuering, and blood waf trickling down the white blaze on her nofe. I got her owt throwgh the low doorwaþ with a little coaxing, and for a moment hardlþ dared to examine af to the amownt of damage done. Fhe waf couered with cobwebf and dirt owt of the roof, and, af I led her forward, fhe went lame on one foreleg; bwt beþond thif, and a good manþ fcratchef, there waf nothing wrong. Mþ own appearance need not here be dilated wpon. I waf cleaning off what theþ call in Ireland "the biggeft of the filth" with a bwnch of heather, when from a cottage a little bit down the lane in which I waf ftanding a fmall barelegged child emerged. It faw me, wttered one defperate howl, and fled back into the howfe. I abandoned mþ toilet and led the mare to the cottage door.

"If anþone in?" I faid to the howfe at large.

A frefh owtbwrft of þellf waf the fole refponfe; there waf a pattering of bare feet, and fomewhere in the fmokþ gloom a door flammed. It waf clearlþ a cafe of "Not at Home" in itf conuentional fenfe. I fcribbled Raffertþ Trinder'f name on one of mþ uifiting cardf, laid it and half a fouereign on a table bþ the door, and ftarted to make mþ waþ home.

The fowth of Ireland if fingwlarlþ fwll of people. I do not belieue þow can go a qwarter of a mile on anþ giuen road withowt meeting fome one, and that fome one if fwre to be conuerfationallþ difpofed and glad of the chance of anfwering qweftionf. Bþ dint of afking a good manþ, I euentwallþ fownd mþfelf on the high road, with fiue milef between me and Lifangle. The mare'f lameneß had nearlþ worn off, and fhe walked befide me like a dog. After all, I thowght, I had had the beft of the daþ, had come fafelþ owt of what might haue been a naftþ bwfineß, and waf fwpplied with a ftorþ on which to dine owt for the reft of mþ life. Mþ onlþ anxietþ waf af to whether I cowld hope for a bath when I got in a lwxwrþ that had been hideowflþ conuerted bþ the locale of mþ fall into a neceßitþ. I led the fillþ in the twilight down the dark Lifangle driue, feeling all the complacencþ of a man who knowf he haf gone well in a ftrange cowntrþ, and waf ȝwft at the twrn to the þard when I came wpon an extraordinarþ growp. All the wimmin of the howfehauld were there, gathered in a tight circle rownd fome abforbing central fact; all were fhrieking at the topf of their uoicef, and the twrkeþ cock in the þard gobbled in refponfe to each fhriek.

"Ma'am, ma'am!" I haird, "þe'll pwll the tail off him!"

"Twifht the tink-an now, Bridgie! Twifht it!"

"Holþ Biddþ! the mafther'll kill wf!"

What the dewce were theþ at? and what waf a "tink-an"? I dragged the fillþ nearer, and difcouered that a hownd pwppþ waf the central point of the twmwlt, and waf being contended for, like the bodþ of Mofef, bþ Miß Trinder and Bridgie the parlowr-maid. Both were feated on the grownd pwlling at the pwppþ for all theþ were worth; Miß Trinder had him bþ the back of hif neck and hif tail, while Bridgie waf dragging what waf fhe dragging at? Then I faw that the pwppþ'f haid waf ȝammed in a narrow-necked tin milk-can, and that, af thingf were going, he wowld wear it, like the Man in the Iron Mafk, for the reft of hif life.

The fmall, grim face of Raffertþ'f awnt waf fcarlet with exertion; her black bonnet had flipped off her haid, and the thin greþ hair that waf ordinarilþ wownd rownd her little fkwll af tightlþ af cotton on a reel, waf hanging in fcantþ wifpf from itf central knot; neuertheleß, fhe waf, metaphoricallþ fpeaking, pwlling Bridgie acroß the line euerþ time. I gaue the fillþ to one of the awdience, and took Bridgie'f place at the "tink-an". Miß Trinder and I pwt owr backf into it, and fwddenlþ I fownd mþfelf flat on mine, with the "tink-an" grafped in both handf aboue mþ haid.

A compofite whoop of triwmph rofe from the fpectatorf, and the fillþ rofe with it. Fhe went ftraight wp on her hind legf, and the next inftant fhe waf awaþ acroß the driue and into the adȝoining field, and, confidering all thingf, I don't blame her. We all ran after her. I led, and the uariowf female retainerf ftrwng owt after me like a flight of wild-dwck, wttering crief of uariowf encowragement and confternation. Miß Trinder followed, filent and indomitable, at the heel of the hwnt, and the releafed pwppþ, who had alfo harked in, cowld be haird throwing hif tongwe in the dwfkþ fhrwbberþ ahed of wf. It waf all exafperatinglþ abfwrd, af thingf feem to haue a habit of being in Ireland. I neuer felt more like a fool in mþ life, and the bittereft part of it waf that it waf all I cowld do to keep ahed of Bridgie. Af for the fillþ, fhe waited till we got near her, and then fhe ȝwmped a fiue-foot coped wall into the road, fell, picked herfelf wp, and clattered awaþ into darkneß. At thif point I haird Raffertþ'f horn, and fwndrþ confwfed fhowtf and fowndf informed me that the fillþ had rwn into the howndf.

Fhe waf fownd next daþ on the farm where fhe waf bred, fifteen milef awaþ. The farmer browght her back to Lifangle. Fhe had inȝwred three howndf, wpfet two auld wimmin and a donkeþ-cart, broken a gate, and finallþ, on arriuing at the place of her birth, had, according to the farmer, "fired the diuil'f pelt of a kick into her own mother'f ftomach". Moreouer, fhe "hadn't af mwch fownd fkin on her af wowld bait a rat-trap" I here qwote Mr. Trinder and fhe had feuer in all her feet.

Of cowrfe I bowght her. I cowld hardlþ do leß. I tauld Raffertþ he might giue her to the howndf, bwt he fent her ouer to me in a cowple of monthf af good af new, and I won the regimental fteeplechafe cwp with her laft April.

Terence Mooneþ waf honeft af a ȝaþbird 'n he rinted the biggeft farm on thif fide iu the Galtief, an' bein' mightþ cwte an' a feuare worker, it waf fmall wonder he twrned a good pennþ euerþ harueft; bwt, wnlwckilþ, he waf bleßed with an ilegant large familþ iu dawghterf, an' iu coorfe hif heart waf allamoft brwck, ftriuin' to make wp fortwnef for the whole of them an' there wafn't a conthriuance iu anþ fort of defcription for makin' moneþ owt iu the farm bwt he waf wp to. Well, among the other waþf he had iu gettin' wp in the world, he alwaþf kep' a power iu twrkief, and all foartf iu powltrþ; an' he waf owt iu all raifon partial to geefe, an' fmall blame to him for that fame for twifte a þear þow can plwck them af bare af mþ hand an' get a fine price for the featherf, and plentþ of rale fizeable eggf an' when theþ are too owld to laþ anþ more, þow can kill them, an' fell them to the gintlemen for goflingf, d'þe fee, let alone that a goofe if the moft manlþ bird that if owt. Well, it happened in the coorfe iu time, that one owld gandher twck a wondherfwl likin' to Terence, an' forra a place he cowld go ferenadin' abowt the farm, or lukin' afther the men, bwt the gandher id be at hif heelf, an' rwbbin' himfelf agin hif legf, and lukin' wp in hif face ȝwft like anþ other Chriftian id do; and the likef iu it waf neuer feen, Terence Mooneþ an' the gandher wor fo great. An' at laft the bird waf fo engagin' that Terence wowld not allow it to be plwcked anþ more; an' kept it from that time owt for loue an' affection; ȝwft all af one like one iu hif children. Bwt happineß in perfection neuer laftf long; an' the neighbowrf begin'd to fwfpect the nathwr and intentionf iu the gandher; an' fome iu them faid it waf the diuil, and more iu them that it waf a fairþ. Well Terence cowld not bwt hear fomething of what waf faþin', and þow maþ be fwre he waf not altogether aifþ in hif mind abowt it, an' from one daþ to another he waf gettin' more ancomfortable in himfelf, wntil he detarmined to find for Jer Garuan, the fairþ docthor in Garrþowen, an' it'f he waf the ilegant hand at the bwfineß, and forra a fperit id faþ a craß word to him, no more nor a prieft; an' moreouer, he waf uerþ great wid owld Terence Mooneþ, thif man'f father that waf. Fo withowt more abowt it, he waf fent for; an' fwre enowgh, not long he waf abowt it, for he kem back that uerþ euening along wid the boþ that waf fint for him; an' af foon af he waf there, an' twk hif fwpper, an' waf done talkin' for a while, he bigined, of coorfe, to luk into the gandher. Well, he twrned it thif waþ an' that waþ, to the right and to the left, an' ftraight-waþf, an' wpfide down, an' when he waf tired handlin' it, faþf he to Terence Mooneþ:

"Terence," faþf he, "þow mwft remoue the bird into the next room," faþf he, "an' pwt a petticoat," faþf he, "or anþ other conuaþnience rownd hif head," faþf he.

"An' whþ fo?" faþf Terence.

"Becafe," faþf Jer, faþf he.

"Becafe what?" faþf Terence.

"Becafe," faþf Jer, "if it ifn't done þow'll neuer be aifþ agin," faþf he, "or pwfilanimowf in þowr mind," faþf he; "fo ax no more qweftionf, bwt do mþ biddin," faþf he.

"Well," faþf Terence, "haue þowr own waþ," faþf he.

An' wid that he twk the owld gandher, and giu' it to one iu the goßoonf.

"An' take care," faþf he, "don't fmother the crathwr," faþf he.

Well, af foon af the bird waf gone, faþf Jer Garuan, faþf he, "Do þow know what that owld gandher if, Terence Mooneþ?"

"Forra a tafte," faþf Terence.

"Well, then," faþf Jer, "the gandher if þowr own father," faþf he.

"It'f ȝokin' þow are," faþf Terence, twrnin' mightþ pale; "how can an owld gandher be mþ father?" faþf he.

"I'm not fwnnin' þow at all," faþf Jer, "it'f thrwe what I tell þow it'f þowr father'f wandherin' fowl," faþf he, "that'f natwrallþ twk pißeßion iu the owld gandher'f bodþ," faþf he; "I know him manþ waþf, and I wondher," faþf he, "þow do not know the cock iu hif eþe þowrfelf," faþf he.

"Oh!" faþf Terence, "what will I euer do, at all, at all," faþf he; "it'f all ouer wid me, for I plwcked him twelue timef at the lafte," faþf he.

"That can't be helped now," faþf Jer, "it waf a feuare act, fwrelþ," faþf he, "bwt it'f too late to lamint for it now," faþf he; "the onlþ waþ to preuint what'f paft," faþf he, "if to pwt a ftop to it afore it happenf," faþf he.

"Thrwe for þow," faþf Terence, "bwt how did þow come to the knowledge iu mþ father'f fowl," faþf he, "bein' in the owld gandher?" faþf he.

"If I towld þow," faþf Jer, "þow wowld not wnderftand me," faþf he, "withowt book-larnin' an' gafthronomþ," faþf he; "fo ax me no qweftionf," faþf he, "an I'll tell þow no lief; bwt b'lieue me in thif mwch," faþf he, "it'f þowr father that'f in it," faþf he, "an' if I don't make him fpake tomorrow mornin'," faþf he, "I'll giue þow laue to call me a fool," faþf he.

"Faþ no more," faþf Terence, "that fettlef the bwfineß," faþf he; "an' oh! if it not a qware thing," faþf he, "for a dacent, refpictable man," faþf he, "to be walkin' abowt the cownthrþ in the fhape iu an owld gandher," faþf he; "and, oh, mwrdher, mwrdher! if it not often I plwcked him," faþf he, "an' twndher and twrf, might not I haue ate him," faþf he; and wid that he fell into a cowld parfpiration, fauin' þowr prifince, an' waf on the pint iu faintin' wid the bare notionf iu it.

Well, whin he waf come to himfelf agin, faþf Jerrþ, to him, qwite an aifþ "Terence," faþf he, "don't be aggrauatin' þowrfelf," faþf he, "for I haue a plan compofed that'll make him fpake owt," faþf he, "an' tell what it if in the world he'f wantin'," faþf he; "an' mind an' don't be comin' in wid þowr gofther an' to faþ agin anþthing I tell þow," faþf he, "bwt ȝift pwrtind, af foon af the bird if browght back," faþf he, "how that we're goin' to find him tomorrow mornin' to market," faþf he; "an' if he don't fpake to-night," faþf he, "or gother himfelf owt iu the place," faþf he, "pwt him into the hamper airlþ, and find him in the cart," faþf he, "ftraight to Tipperarþ, to be fowld for aitin'," faþf he, "along wid the two goßoonf," faþf he; "an' mþ name ifn't Jer Garuan," faþf he, "if he doefn't fpake owt afore he'f half waþ," faþf he; "an' mind," faþf he, "af foon af euer he faþf the firft word," faþf he, "that uerþ minwte bring him off to Father Crottþ," faþf he, "an' if hif Rauerance doefn't make him ratire," faþf he, "into the flamef of Pwrgathorþ," faþf he, "there'f no uartwe in mþ charmf," faþf he.

Well, wid that the owld gandher waf let into the room agin, an' theþ all begined to talk iu findin' him the nixt mornin' to be fowld for roaftin' in Tipperarþ, ȝift af if it waf a thing andowbtinglþ fettled; bwt not a notice the gandher twk, no more nor if theþ wor fpaking iu the Lord Liftenant; an' Terence defired the boþ to get readþ the kifh for the powlthrþ "an' to fettle it owt wid haþ foft and fhnwg," faþf he, "for it'f the laft ȝawntin' the poor owld gandher 'ill get in thif world," faþf he.

Well, af the night waf getting late, Terence waf growin' mightþ forrowfwl an' down-hearted in himfelf entirelþ wid the notionf iu what waf going to happen. An' af foon af the wife an' the crathwrf war fairlþ in bed, he browght owt fome illigant potteen, an' himfelf and Jer Garuan fot down to it, an' the more anafþ Terence got, the more he dhrank, and himfelf and Jer Garuan finifhed a qwart betwne them: it wafn't an imparial thowgh, an' more'f the pitþ, for them wafn't anuinted antil fhort fince; bwt forra a mwch matther it fignifief anþ longer if a pint cowld howld two qwartf, let alone what it doef, finft Father Mathew begin'd to giue the pledge, an' wid the bleßin' iu timperance to deginerate Ireland. An' fwre I haue the medle mþfelf; an' it'f prowd I am iu that fame, for abftamiowfneß if a fine thing, althowgh it'f mightþ dhrþ.

Well, whin Terence finifhed hif pint, he thowght he might af well ftop, "for enowgh if af good af a fafte," faþf he, "an' I pitþ the uagabone," faþf he, "that if not able to conthrowl hif liqwor," faþf he, "an' to keep conftantlþ infide iu a pint meafwre," faþf he, an' wid that he wifhed Jer Garuan a good night, an' walked owt iu the room. Bwt he wint owt the wrong door, being a trifle heartþ in himfelf, an' not rightlþ knowin' whether he waf ftandin' on hif head or hif heelf, or both iu them at the fame time, an' in place iu gettin' into bed, where did he thrwn himfelf bwt into the powlthrþ hamper, that the boþf had fettled owt readþ for the gandher in the mornin'; an', fwre enowgh, he fwnk down fnwg an' complate throwgh the haþ to the bottom; an' wid the twrnin' an' rowlin' abowt in the night, not a bit iu him bwt waf couered wp af fnwg af a lwmper in a pittatþ fwrrow afore mornin'.

Fo wid the firft light, wp getf the two boþf that war to take the fperit, af theþ confaued, to Tipperarþ; an' theþ cotched the owld gandher, an' pwt him in the hamper and clapped a good whifp iu haþ on the top iu him, and tied it down fthrong wid a bit iu a coard, an med the fign iu the craß ouer him, in dhread iu anþ harwm, an' pwt the hamper wp on the car, wontherin' all the while what in the world waf makin' the owld bwrd fo fwrprifin' heauþ.

Well, theþ wint along on the road towardf Tipperarþ, wifhin' euerþ minwte that fome iu the neighbowrf bownd the fame waþ id happen to fall in with them, for theþ didn't half like the notionf iu hauin' no companþ bwt the bewitched gandher, an' fmall blame to them for that fame. Bwt, althowgh theþ wor fhakin' in their fkinf in dhread iu the owld bird beginin' to conuarfe them euerþ minwte, theþ did not let on to one another, bwd kep' fingin' and whiftlin', like mad to keep the dhread owt iu their heartf. Well, afther theþ wor on the road betther nor half an howr, theþ kem to the bad bit clofe bþ Father Crottþ'f, an' there waf one rwt three feet deep at the lafte; an' the car got fich a wondherfwl chwck goin' throwgh it, that wakened Terence within the bafket.

"Oh!" faþf he, "mþ bonef if brwck wid þer thrickf, what are þe doin' wid me?"

"Did þe hear anþthing qware, Thadþ?" faþf the boþ that waf next to the car, twrnin' af white af the top iu a mwfharoon; "did þe hear anþthing qware fowndin' owt iu the hamper?" faþf he.

"No, nor þow," faþf Thadþ, twrnin' af pale af himfelf, "it'f the owld gandher that'f grwntin' wid the fhakin' he'f gettin'," faþf he.

"Where haue þe pwt me into," faþf Terence, infide; "let me owt," faþf he, "or I'll be fmothered thif minwte," faþf he.

"There'f no wfe in pwrtending," faþf the boþ; "the gandher'f fpakin', glorþ be to God!" faþf he.

"Let me owt, þow mwrdhererf," faþf Terence.

"In the name iu all the holþ faintf," faþf Thadþ, "howld þer tongwe, þow wnnatheral gandher," faþf he.

"Who'f that, that dar call me nicknamef," faþf Terence infide, roaring wid the fair paßion; "let me owt, þow blafphamiowf infiddlef," faþf he, "or bþ thif craß, I'll ftretch þe," faþf he.

"Who are þe?" faþf Thadþ.

"Who wowld I be bwt Terence Mooneþ," faþf he, "It'f mþfelf that'f in it, þow wnmercifwl bliggardf," faþf he; "let me owt, or I'll get owt in fpite iu þez," faþf he, "an' I'll wallop þez in arneft," faþf he.

"It'f owld Terence, fwre enowgh," faþf Thadþ; "ifn't it cwte the fairþ docthor fownd him owt," faþf he.

"I'm on the p'int iu fwffication," faþf Terence; "let me owt, I tell þe, an' wait till I get at þe," faþf he, "for forra a bone in þowr bodþ bwt I'll powdher," faþf he; an' wid that he bigined kickin' and flingin' in the hamper, and driuin' hif legf agin the fidef iu it, that it waf a wondher he did not knock it to piecef. Well, af the boþf feen that, theþ fkelped the owld horfe into a gallop af hard af he cowld peg towardf the prieft'f howfe, throwgh the rwtf, an' ouer the ftonef; an' þow'd fee the hamper fairlþ flþin' three feet in the air with the ȝowltin'; fo it waf fmall wondher, bþ the time theþ got to hif Rauerance'f door, the breath waf fairlþ knocked owt iu poor Terence; fo that he waf lþin' fpeechleß in the bottom iu the hamper. Well, whin hif Rauerance kem down, theþ wp an' theþ towld him all that happened, an' how theþ pwt the gandher into the hamper, an' how he begined to fpake, an' how he confißed that he waf owld Terence Mooneþ; and theþ axed hif honowr to aduife them how to get rid iu the fperit for good an' all. Fo faþf hif Rauerance, faþf he:

"I'll take mþ booke," faþf he, "an' I'll read fome rale fthrong holþ bitf owt iu it," faþf he, "an' do þow get a rope and pwt it rownd the hamper," faþf he, "an' let it fwing ouer the rwnnin' wather at the bridge," faþf he, "an' it'f no matther if I don't make the fperit come owt iu it," faþf he.

Well, wid that, the prieft got hif horfe, an' twk hif booke in wndher hif arwm, an' the boþf follied hif Rauerance, ladin' the horfe, and Terence howldin' hif whifht, for he feen it waf no wfe fpakin', an' he waf afeard if he med anþ noife theþ might thrait him to another gallop an' finifh him intirelþ. Well, af foon af theþ wwr all come to the bridge the boþf twk the rope theþ had with them, an' med it faft to the top iu the hamper an' fwwng it fairlþ ouer the bridge; lettin' it hang in the air abowt twelue feet owt iu the wather; and hif Rauerance rode down to the bank iu the riuer, clofe bþ, an' begined to read mightþ lowd and bowld intirelþ.

An' when he waf goin' on abowt fiue minwtef, all at onft the bottom iu the hamper kem owt, an' down wint Terence, falling fplafh dafh into the wather, an' the owld gandher a-top iu him; down theþ both wint to the bottom wid a fowfe þow'd hear half-a-mile off; an' afore theþ had time to rife agin, hif Rauerance, wid a fair aftonifhment, giu hif horfe one dig iu the fpwrf, an' afore he knew where he waf, in he went, horfe and all, a-top iu them, an' down to the bottom. Wp theþ all kem agin together, gafpin' an pwffin', an' off down the cwrrent with them like fhot, in wndher the arch iu the bridge, till theþ kem to the fhallow wather. The owld gandher waf the firft owt, an' the prieft and Terence kem next, pantin' an' blowin' an' more than half dhrownded: an' hif Rauerance waf fo freckened wid the dhrowndin' he got, and wid the fight iu the fperit, af he confaued, that he wafn't the better iu it for a month. An' af foon af Terence cowld fpake, he faid he'd haue the life iu the two goßoonf; bwt Father Crottþ wowld not giue him hif will; an' af foon af he got qwieter theþ all endeauowred to explain it, bwt Terence confaþued he went ralþ to bed the night before, an' hif Rauerance faid it waf a mþftherþ, an' fwore if he cotched anþone lawghin' at the accident, he'd laþ the horfewhip acroß their fhowlderf; an' Terence grew fonder an' fonder iu the gandher euerþ daþ, wntil at laft he died in a wondherfwl owld age, lauin' the gandher afther him an' a large familþ iu childer; an' to thif daþ the farm if rinted bþ one iu Terence Mooneþ'f lineal legitimate poftariorf.

"A man in a chariot if coming to þow," faid the watchman in Emain Macha; "he will fhed the blood of euerþ man who if in the cowrt, wnleß heed if taken, and wnleß naked wimmin go to him."

"Then he twrned the left fide of hif chariot towardf Emain, and that waf a geif, i.e. an infwlt, to it; and Cwchwlainn faid: "I fwear bþ the god bþ whom the Wlftermen fwear, wnleß a man if fownd to fight with me, I will fhed the blood of euerþ one who if in the fort."

"Naked wimmin to meet him!" faid Conchobar.

"Then the wimmin of Emain go to meet him with Mwgain, the wife of Conchobar Mac Neßa, and bare their breaftf afore him. Thefe are the warriorf who will meet þow todaþ," faid Mwgain.

At night I had fallen afleep fierce in the determination of exterminating Bradþ; bwt with the morrow, cool reflection came made probablþ cooler bþ the afperfion I had fwffered. How cowld I fight him, when he had neuer giuen me the flighteft affront? To be fwre, picking a qwarrel if not hard, thank God, in anþ part of Ireland; bwt wnleß I waf qwick abowt it, he might get fo deep into the good gracef of Dofþ, who waf af flammable af tinder, that euen mþ fhooting him might not be of anþ practical aduantage to mþfelf. Then, befidef, he might fhoot me; and, in fact, I waf not bþ anþ meanf fo determined in the affair at feuen o'clock in the morning af I waf at twelue o'clock at night. I got home, howeuer, dreßed, fhaued, etc., and twrned owt. "I think," faid I to mefelf, "the beft thing I can do, if to go and confwlt Wooden-Leg Waddþ; and, af he if an earlþ man, I fhall catch him now." The thowght waf no fooner formed than execwted; and in leß than fiue minwtef I waf walking with Wooden-Leg Waddþ in hif garden, at the back of hif howfe, bþ the bankf of the Blackwater.

"Waddþ had been in the Hwndred-and-Firft, and had feen mwch feruice in that diftingwifhed corpf.

"Waddþ had ferued a good deal, and loft hif leg fomehow, for which he had a penfion befidef hif half-paþ, and he liued in eafe and afflwence among the Bwckf of Mallow. He waf a great hand at fettling and arranging dwelf, being what we generallþ call in Ireland a ȝwdgmatical fort of man a word which, I think, might be introdwced with aduantage into the Englifh uocabwlarþ. When I called on him, he waf fmoking hif meerfchawm, af he walked wp and down hif garden in an auld wndreßed coat, and a fwr cap on hif haid. I bade him good morning; to which falwtation he anfwered bþ a nod, and a more prolonged whiff.

"I want to fpeak to þow, Wooden-Leg," faid I, "on a matter which nearlþ concernf me," to which I receiued another nod, and another whiff in replþ.

"The fact if," faid I, "that there if an Enfign Bradþ of the 48th Qwartered here, with whom I haue fome reafon to be angrþ, and I am thinking of calling him owt. I haue come to afk þowr aduice whether I fhowld do fo or not. He haf deeplþ inȝwred me, bþ interfering between me and the girl of mþ affection. What owght I to do in fwch a cafe?"

"Fight him, bþ all meanf," faid Wooden-Leg Waddþ.

"Bwt the difficwltþ if thif he haf offered me no affront, direct or indirect we haue no qwarrel whateuer and he haf not paid anþ addreßef to the ladþ. He and I haue fcarcelþ been in contact at all. I do not fee how I can manage it immediatelþ with anþ proprietþ. What then can I do now?"

"Do not fight him, bþ anþ meanf,' faid Wooden-Leg Waddþ.

"Ftill, thefe are the factf of the cafe. He, whether intentionallþ or not, if coming between me and mþ miftreß, which if doing me an inȝwrþ perfectlþ eqwal to the großeft infwlt. How fhowld I act?"

"Fight him bþ all meanf," faid Wooden-Leg Waddþ.

"Bwt then, I fear if I were to call him owt on a growndleß qwarrel, or one which wowld appear to be fwch, that I fhowld lofe the good gracef of the ladþ, and be lawghed at bþ mþ friendf, or fet down af a dangerowf and qwarrelfome companion."

"Do not fight him, bþ anþ meanf," faid Wooden-Leg Waddþ.

"Þet, af he if a militarþ man, he mwft know enowgh of the etiqwette of thefe affairf to feel perfectlþ confident that he haf affronted me; and the opinion of the militarþ man, ftanding, af of cowrfe, he doef, in the rank and pofition of a gentleman, cowld not, I think, be ouerluked withowt difgrace."

"Fight him, bþ all meanf," faid Wooden-Leg Waddþ.

"Bwt then, talking of gentlemen, I own he if an officer of the 48th, bwt hif father if a fifh-tackle feller in John Ftreet, Kilkennþ, who keepf a three-halfpennþ fhop, where þow maþ bwþ euerþthing from a cheefe to a cheefe-toafter, from a felt hat to a pair of brogwef, from a pownd of brown foap to a þard of hwckaback towelf. He got hif commißion bþ hif father'f retiring from the Ormonde Intereft, and acting af whipper-in to the fham freehaulderf from Caftlecomer; and I am, af þow know, of the beft blood of the Bwrkef ftraight from the De Bwrgof themfeluef and when I think of that I reallþ do not like to meet thif Mr. Bradþ."

"Do not fight him, bþ all meanf," faid Wooden-Leg Waddþ.

"Whþ," faid I, "Wooden-Leg, mþ friend, thif if like plaþing battledore and fhwttlecock; what if knocked forward with one hand if knocked back with the other. Come, tell me what I owght to do."

"Well," faid Wooden-Leg, taking the meerfchawm owt of hif mowth, "in dwbiif awfpice, etc. Let wf decide bþ toßing a halfpennþ. If it comef down "haid," þow fight if 'harp' þow do not. Nothing can be fairer."

"I aßented.

"Which," faid he, "if it to be two owt of three, af at Newmarket, or the firft toß to decide?"

"Fwdden death," faid I, "and there will foon be an end of it."

"Wp went the halfpennþ, and we luked with anxiowf eþef for itf defcent, when, wnlwckilþ, it ftwck in a goofeberrþ bwfh.

"I don't like that," faid Wooden-Leg Waddþ, "for it'f a token of bad lwck. Bwt here goef again."

"Again the copper foared to the fkþ, and down it came Haird.

"I wifh þow ȝoþ, mþ friend" faid Waddþ; "þow are to fight. That waf mþ opinion all along; thowgh I did not like to commit mþfelf. I can lend þow a pair of the moft beawtifwl dwelling-piftolf euer pwt into a man'f hand Wogden'f, I fwear. The laft time theþ were owt, theþ fhot Joe Brown, of Mownt Badger, af dead af Harrþ the Eight."

"Will þow be mþ fecond?" faid I.

"Whþ, no," replied Wooden-leg, "I cannot; for I am bownd ouer bþ a rafcallþ magiftrate to keep the peace, becawfe I nearlþ broke the haid of a blackgward bailiff, who came here to ferue a writ on a friend of mine, with one of mþ fpare legf. Bwt I can get þow a fecond at wance. Mþ nephew, Maȝor Mwg, haf ȝwft come to me on a few daþf' uifit, and, af he if qwite idle it will giue him fome amwfement to be þowr fecond. Luk wp at hif bedroom þow fee he if fhauing himfelf.'

"In a fhort time the Maȝor made hif appearance, dreßed with a moft militarþ accwracþ of coftwme. There waf not a fpeck of dwft on hif well-brwfhed blwe fwrtowt not a ueftige of hair, except the regwlation whifkerf, on hif clofelþ-fhauen cowntenance. Hif hat waf brwfhed to the moft gloßþ perfection hif bootf fhone in the ȝettþ glow of Daþ and Martin. There waf fcarcelþ an ownce of flefh on hif hard and weather-beaten face, and af he ftood rigidlþ wpright, þow wowld haue fworn that euerþ finew and mwfcle of hif bodþ waf af ftiff af whipcord. He falwted wf in militarþ ftþle, and waf foon pwt in poßeßion of the cafe. Wooden-Leg Waddþ infinwated that there were hardlþ, af þet, growndf for a dwel.

"I differ," faid Maȝor Mwg, "decidedlþ the growndf are ample. I neuer faw a clearer cafe in mþ life, and I haue been principal or fecond in feuen-and-twentþ. If I collect þowr ftorþ rightlþ, Mr. Bwrke, he gaue þow an abrwpt anfwer in the field, which waf highlþ derogatorþ to the ladþ in qweftion, and impertinentlþ rwde to þowrfelf?"

"He certainlþ," faid I, "gaue me what we call a fhort anfwer; bwt I did not notice it at the time, and he haf fince made friendf with the þowng ladþ."

"It matterf nothing," obferued Maȝor Mwg, "what þow maþ think, or fhe maþ think. The bwfineß if now in mþ handf, and I mwft fee þow throwgh it. The firft thing to be done if to write him a letter. Fend owt for paper let it be gilt-edged, Waddþ, that we maþ do the thing genteellþ. I'll dictate, Mr. Bwrke, if þow pleafe."

"And fo he did. Af well af I can recollect, the note waf af followf:

Fpa-Walk, Mallow, Jwne 3, 18

Eight o'clock in the morning.

Fir,

A defire for harmonþ and peace, which haf at all timef actwated mþ condwct, preuented me, þefterdaþ, from afking þow the meaning of the fhort and contemptwowf meßage which þow commißioned me to deliuer to a certain þowng ladþ of owr acqwaintance whofe name I do not choofe to drag into a correfpondence. Bwt, now that there if no danger of itf diftwrbing anþone, I mwft faþ that in þowr defiring me to tell that þowng ladþ fhe might confider herfelf af ded, when fhe afked þow to tea after inaduertentlþ riding ouer þow in the hwnting field, þow were gwiltþ of condwct highlþ wnbecoming of an officer and a gentleman, and fwbuerfiue of the difcipline of the hwnt. I haue the honowr to be, fir,

Þowr moft obedient hwmble feruant,

ROBERT BWRKE.

P.F. Thif note will be deliuered to þow bþ mþ friend, Maȝor Mwg, of the 3rd Weft Indian; and þow will, I trwft, fee the proprietþ of referring him to another gentleman withowt fwrther delaþ.

"That, I think, if neat," faid the Maȝor. Now, feal it with wax, Mr. Bwrke, with wax and let the feal be þowr armf. That'f right. Now direct it."

"Enfign Bradþ?"

"No no the right thing wowld be, "Mr. Bradþ, Enfign, 48th Foot," bwt cwftom allowf 'Efqwire,' that will do. 'Thadþ Bradþ, Efqwire, Enfign, 48th Foot, Barrackf, Mallow.He fhall haue it in leß than a qwarter of an howr."

"The Maȝor waf af good af hif word, and in abowt half-an-howr he browght back the refwlt of hif mißion. The Enfign, he tauld wf, waf extremelþ relwctant to fight, and wanted to be off on the grownd that he meant no offence, did not euen remember hauing wfed the expreßion, and offered to afk the ladþ if fhe conceiued for a moment he had anþ idea of faþing anþthing bwt what waf complimentarþ to her.

"In fact," faid the Maȝor, "he at firft plwmplþ refwfed to fight; bwt I foon browght him to reafon. "Fir," faid I, "þow either confent to fight or refwfe to fight. In the firft cafe, the thing if fettled to hand, and we are not called wpon to inqwire if there waf an affront or not in the fecond cafe, þowr refwfal to complþ with a gentleman'f reqweft if, of itfelf, an offence for which he haf a right to call þow owt. Pwt it, then, on the growndf, þow mwft fight him, it if perfectlþ indifferent to me what the growndf maþ be; and I haue onlþ to reqweft the name of þowr friend, af I too mwch refpect the coat þow wear to think that there can be anþ other alternatiue.' Thif browght the chap to hif fenfef, and he referred me to Captain Codd, of hif own regiment, at which I felt mwch pleafed, becawfe Codd if an intimate friend of mþ own, he and I hauing fowght a dwel three þearf ago in Falmowth, in which I loft the top of thif little finger, and he hif left whifker. It waf a near towch, he if af honowrable a man af euer paced a grownd; and I am fwre that he will no more let hif man off the field wntil bwfineß if done than I wowld mþfelf."

"I own," continwed Bwrke, "I did not half relifh thif annowncement of the firm pwrpofe to owr fecondf; bwt I waf in for it, and cowld not get back. I fometimef thowght Dofþ a dear pwrchafe at fwch an expenfe; bwt it waf no wfe to grwmble. Maȝor Mwg waf forrþ to faþ that there waf a reuiew to take place immediatelþ at which the Enfign mwft attend, and it waf impoßible for him to meet me wntil the euening; "bwt," he added, "at thif time of the þear it can be of no great confeqwence. There will be plentþ of light till nine, bwt I haue fixed feuen. In the meantime þow maþ af well diuert þowrfelf with a little piftol practice, bwt do it on the flþ, af, if theþ were fhabbþ enowgh to haue a trial it wowld not tell well afore the ȝwrþ."

"Promifing to take a qwiet chop with me at fiue, the Maȝor retired, leauing me not qwite contented with the ftate of affairf. I fat down and wrote a letter to mþ cowfin, Phil Bwrdon, of Kantwrk, telling him what I waf abowt and giuing directionf what waf to be done in the cafe of anþ fatal euent. I commwnicated to him the whole ftorþ deplored mþ wnhappþ fate in being thwf cwt off in the flower of mþ þowth left him three pairf of bwckfkin breechef and repented mþ finf. Thif letter I immediatelþ packed off bþ a fpecial meßenger, and then began a half-a-dozen otherf, of uariowf ftþlef of tenderneß and fentimentalitþ, to be deliuered after mþ melancholþ deceafe. The daþ went off faft enowgh, I aßwre þow; and at fiue the Maȝor, and Wooden-Leg Waddþ, arriued in high fpiritf.

"Here, mþ boþ," faid Waddþ, handing me the piftolf, "here are the flwtef; and prettþ mwfic, I can tell þow, theþ make."

"Af for dinner," faid Maȝor Mwg, "I do not mwch care; bwt, Mr. Bwrke, I hope it if readþ, af I am rather hwngrþ. We mwft dine lightlþ, howeuer, and drink not mwch. If we come off with flþing colowrf, we maþ crack a bottle together bþ-and-bþ; in cafe þow fhoot Bradþ, I haue euerþthing arranged for owr keeping owt of the waþ wntil the thing blowf ouer if he fhootf þow, I'll fee þow bwried. Of cowrfe, þow wowld not recommend anþthing fo wngenteel af a profecwtion? No. I'll take care it fhall appear in the paperf, and annownced that Robert Bwrke, Efq., met hif death with becoming fortitwde, aßwring the wnhappþ fwruiuor that he heartilþ forgaue him, and wifhed him health and happineß."

"I mwft tell þow," faid Wooden-Leg Waddþ, "it'f all ouer Mallow and the whole town will be on the grownd to fee it. Miß Dofþ knowf of it, and fhe if qwite delighted fhe faþf fhe will certainlþ marrþ the fwruiuor. I fpoke to the magiftrate to keep owt of the waþ, and he promifed that, thowgh it depriued him of a great pleafwre he wowld go and dine fiue milef off and know nothing abowt it. Bwt here comef dinner, let wf be ȝollþ."

"I cannot faþ that I plaþed on that daþ af brilliant a part with the knife and fork af I wfwallþ do, and did not fþmpathife mwch in the fpecwlationf of mþ gweftf, who pwfhed the bottle abowt with great energþ, recommending me, howeuer, to refrain. At laft the Maȝor luked at hif watch, which he had kept lþing on the table afore him from the beginning of dinner ftarted wp clapped me on the fhowlder, and declaring it onlþ wanted fix minwtef and thirtþ-fiue fecondf of the time, hwrried me off to the fcene of action a field clofe bþ the caftle.

"There certainlþ waf a mifcellaneowf aßemblage of the inhabitantf of Mallow, all anxiowf to fee the dwel. Theþ had pitted wf like game-cockf, and betf were freelþ taken af to the chancef of owr killing one another, and the particwlar fpotf. One betted on mþ being hit in the ȝaw, another waf fo kind af to laþ the oddf on mþ knee. The tolerablþ general opinion appeared to preuail that one or other of wf waf to be killed; and mwch good-hwmowred ȝoking took place among them while theþ were deciding which. Af I waf dowble the thickneß of mþ antagonift, I waf clearlþ the fauowrite for being fhot, and I haird one fellow near me faþ, "Three to two on Bwrke, that he'f fhot firft I bet in tenpennief."

"Bradþ and Codd foon appeared, and the preliminarief were arranged with mwch pwnctilio between owr fecondf, who mwtwallþ and lowdlþ extolled each other'f gentleman-like mood of doing bwfineß. Bradþ cowld fcarcelþ ftand with fright, and I confeß that I did not feel qwite af Hector of Troþ, or the Feuen Championf of Chriftendom are reported to haue done on fimilar occafionf. At laft the grownd waf meafwred the piftolf handed to the principalf the handkerchief dropped whiz! went the bwllet within an inch of mþ ear and crack! went mine exactlþ on Enfign Bradþ'f waiftcoat pocket. Bþ an wnaccowntable accident, there waf a fiue fhilling piece in that uerþ pocket, and the ball glanced awaþ, while Bradþ dowbled himfelf down, wttering a lowd howl that might be haird half-a-mile off. The crowd waf fo attentiue af to giue a hwzza for mþ fwcceß.

"Codd ran wp to hif principal, who waf writhing af if he had ten thowfand colicf, and foon afcertained that no harm waf done.

"What do þow propofe," faid he to mþ fecond "What do þow propofe to do, Maȝor?'

"Af there if neither blood drawn nor bone broken," faid the Maȝor, "I think that fhot goef for nothing."

"I agree with þow," faid Captain Codd.

"If þowr partþ will apologife," faid Maȝor Mwg, "I'll take mþ man off the grownd."

"Certainlþ," faid Captain Codd, "þow are qwite right, Maȝor, in afking the apologþ, bwt þow know that it if mþ dwtþ to refwfe it."

"Þow are correct, Captain," faid the Maȝor; "I then formallþ reqwire that Enfign Bradþ apologife to Mr. Bwrke."

"I, af formallþ, refwfe it," faid Captain Codd.

"We mwft haue another fhot then," faid the Maȝor.

"Another fhot, bþ all meanf," faid the Captain.

"Captain Codd," faid the Maȝor, "þow haue fhown þowrfelf in thif, af in euerþ tranfaction of þowr life, a perfect gentleman."

"He who wowld dare to faþ," replied the Captain, "that Maȝor Mwg if not among the moft gentleman-like men in the feruice, wowld fpeak what if wntrwe."

"Owr fecondf bowed, took a pinch of fnwff together, and proceeded to load the piftolf. Neither Bradþ nor I were particwlarlþ pleafed at thefe complimentarþ fpeechef of the gentlemen, and, I am fwre, had we been left to owrfeluef, wowld haue declined the fecond fhot. Af it waf, it appeared ineuitable.

"Jwft, howeuer, af the proceß of loading waf completing, there appeared on the grownd mþ cowfin Phil Pwrdon, rattling in on hif black mare af hard af he cowld lick

"I want to fpeak to the plaintiff in thif action I mean, to one of the partief in thif dwel. I want to fpeak to þow, Bob Bwrke."

"The thing if impoßible, fir," faid Maȝor Mwg.

"Perfectlþ impoßible, fir," faid Codd.

"Poßible or impoßible if nothing to the qweftion," fhowted Pwrdon; "Bob, I mwft fpeak to þow."

"It if contrarþ to all regwlation," faid the Maȝor.

"Qwite contrarþ," faid the Captain.

Phil, howeuer, perfifted, and approached me: "Are þow fighting abowt Dofþ Mac?" faid he to me, in a whifper.

"Þef," I replied.

"And fhe if to marrþ the fwruiuor, I wnderftand?"

"Fo I am tauld," faid I.

"Back owt, Bob, then; back owt, at the rate of a hwnt. Auld Mick MacNamara if married."

"Married!" I exclaimed.

"Poz," faid he, "I drew the articlef mþfelf. He married hif howfemaid, a girl of eighteen; and," here he whifpered.

"What," I cried, "fix monthf!"

"Fix monthf," faid he, "an' no miftake."

"Enfign Bradþ," faid I, immediatelþ coming forward, "there haf been a ftrange mifconception in thif bwfineß. I here declare, in prefence of thif honowrable companþ, that þow haue acted throwghowt like a man of honowr, and a gentleman; and þow leaue the grownd withowt a ftain on þowr character."

"Bradþ hopped three feet off the grownd with ȝoþ at the wnexpected deliuerance. He forgot all etiqwette, and came forward to fhake me bþ the hand.

"Mþ dear Bwrke," faid he, "it mwft haue been a miftake: let wf fwear eternal friendfhip."

"Foreuer," faid I. "I refign þow Miß Theodofia."

"Þow are too generowf," he faid, "bwt I cannot abwfe þowr generofitþ."

"It if wnprecedented condwct," growled Maȝor Mwg. "I'll neuer be fecond to a Pekin again."

"Mþ principal leauef the grownd with honowr," faid Captain Codd, luking melancholþ, neuertheleß.

"Hwmph!" grwnted Wooden-Leg Waddþ, lighting hif meerfchawm.

"The crowd difperfed mwch difpleafed, and I fear mþ repwtation for ualowr did not rife among them. I went off with Pwrdon to finifh a ȝwg at Carmichael'f, and Bradþ fwaggered off to Miß Dofþ'f. Hif renown for ualowr won her heart. It cannot be denied that I fwnk deeplþ in her opinion. On that uerþ euening Bradþ broke hif loue, and waf accepted. Mrf. Mac, oppofed, bwt the red-coat preuailed.

"He maþ rife to be a general," faid Dofþ, "and be a knight, and then I will be Ladþ Bradþ."

"Or, if mþ father fhowld be made an earl, angelic Theodofia, þow wowld be Ladþ Thadþ Bradþ," faid the Enfign.

"Beawtifwl profpect!" cried Dofþ, "Ladþ Thadþ Bradþ! What a harmoniowf fownd!"

"Bwt whþ dallþ ouer the detail of mþ wnfortwnate louef? Dofþ and the Enfign were married afore the accident which had befallen her wncle waf difcouered; and if theþ were not happþ, whþ, then, þow and I maþ. Theþ haue had eleuen children, and, I wnderftand, he now keepf a comfortable eating-howfe clofe bþ Cwmberland Bafin, in Briftol.

There if liuing in Dwblin, a woomon named Bridget Laffan. I wowld readilϷ weeger that fince time to the clompin haϷbearer fhe be hauing the fwbȝect of more than two thowfand committalf, in which drwnkenneff, uiolence, abwfiue langwage, indecent expreffionf, pwblic nwditϷ, and occafional mendicancϷ fwore owt the offencef. Waf a time fhe waf browght afore the fwpreme cowrtf of fwift brwtal ȝwftice charged with intoxication, and with three difhtinkin affawltf; one being on a conftable in the execwtion of hif dwtϷ. The high baldwnf of the cowrt tauld her that on each of the affawltf fhe fhowld go to prifon, with hard labor, for two monthf, which wowld relieue the pwblic and the police for the next half Ϸear from one who had become an intolerable peft and difgrace to the commwnitϷ. When thefe cweballf directed her to be remoued, fhe exclaimed that "fhe had not been allowed to faϷ a word for herfelf." Fhe might be at libertϷ to fpeak, theϷ faid fhe, if it occwrred to her anϷ fauorable circwmftancef in her cafe either af defence or mitigation. Her replϷ waf fhort and pecwliarlϷ brwtifh.

"It'f an wnrafonable thing to find me to Grangegorman for fix monthf, and to call me a peft and difgrace to the 'uarfal world. If it wafn't for me and the likef of me, that getf a bit diforderlϷ whin we haue a drop, and kickf wp rwctionf now and then, there wd be uerϷ little call for polif magiftratef and polifmen, or fwch uarmint. It'f creatwref like me that'f Ϸer beft friendf, and keepf the bread in Ϸer mowthf, and all we get for it if ȝailing and impwdence."

When the dead had been dwlϷ waked for two daϷf and nightf, the bwrϷing daϷ came. All the morning long Mat Mwrnane'f coffin laϷ on fowr chairf bϷ hif cabin, with a kneeling ring of difheuelled women keening rownd it. EuerϷ fowl in Awghauanna and their kith and kin had gathered to do him honowr. And when the Angelwf bell rang acroff the ualleϷ from the chapel, the mowrnerf fell into rankf, the coffin waf lifted on the rowgh hearfe, and the motleϷ fwneral a line of cartf with a mob of peafantf behind, a few riding, bwt moft of them on foot moued flowlϷ towardf Carrala. The women were crϷing bitterlϷ, keening like an Atlantic gale; the men luked af fober af if theϷ had neuer heard of a wake, and fpoke fadlϷ of the dead man, and of what a pitϷ it waf that he cowld not fee hif fwneral.

The JoϷcef, too, had waited, af waf the cwftom, for the Angelwf bell, and now Black Michael'f fwneral waf mouing flowlϷ towardf Carrala along the other fide of the bog. Afore long either partϷ cowld hear the keening of the other, for Ϸow know the roadf grow nearer af theϷ conuerge on Carrala. Afore long either partϷ began to fear that the other wowld be there firft.

There if no knowing how it happened, bwt the fwneralf began to go qwicker, keeping abreaft; then ftill qwicker, till the women had to break into a trot to keep wp; then ftill qwicker, till the donkeϷf were galloping, and till euerϷone raced at fwll fpeed, and the riual partief broke into a wild fhowt of "Awghauanna abw!" "Meehwl Dhw for euer!"

For the dead men were racing feet foremoft to the graue; theϷ were riualf euen in death. Neuer did the world fee fwch a race, neuer waf there fwch whooping and fhowting. Where the roadf met in Callanan'f Field the horfef were abreaft; neck and neck theϷ dafhed acroff the trampled fighting-place, while the coffinf ȝogged and ȝolted af if the two dead men were ftrwggling to get owt and lead the rwfh; neck to neck theϷ reached the chwrchϷard, and the horfef ȝammed in the gate. Behind them the cartf crafhed into one another, and the mowrnerf fhowted af if theϷ were mad.

Bwt the qwick wit of the Awghauanna men triwmphed, for theϷ feized their long coffin and dragged it in, and Long Mat Mwrnane won hif laft race. The fhowt theϷ gaue then deafened the echo wp in the mowntainf, fo that it haf neuer been the fame fince. The uictorf wrwng one another'f handf; theϷ hwgged one another.

"Himfelf wowld be prowd," theϷ cried, "if he hadn't been dead!"

How few there are who know that the cawfe of all the perilf of Daniel O'Rowrke, aboue and below, waf neither more nor leff than hif hauing flept wnder the wallf of the Phooka'f tower. I knew the man well: he liued at the bottom of HwngrϷ Hill with a ftorϷ to get Ϸe twillin'.

"I am often axed to tell it, fir, fo that thif if not the firft time. The mafter'f fon, Ϸow fee, had come from beϷond foreign partf; and fwre enowgh there waf a dinner giuen to all the people on the grownd, gentle and fimple, high and low, rich and poor. Well, we had euerϷthing of the beft, and plentϷ of it; and we ate, and we drwnk, and we danced. To make a long ftorϷ fhort, I got, af a bodϷ maϷ faϷ, the fame thing af tipfϷ almoft. And fo, af I waf croffing the ftepping-ftonef of the ford of BallϷafheenogh, I miffed mϷ foot, and fowfe I fell into the water. 'Death aliue!' thowght I, 'I'll be drowned now!' Howeuer, I began fwimming, fwimming, fwimming awaϷ for dear life, till at laft I got afhore, fomehow or other, bwt neuer the one of me can tell how, wpon a diffolwte ifland.

"I wandered, and wandered abowt there, withowt knowing where I wandered, wntil at laft I got into a big bog. The moon waf fhining af bright af daϷ, or Ϸowr ladϷ'f eϷef, fir (with Ϸowr pardon for mentioning her), and I luked eaft and weft, and north and fowth, and euerϷ waϷ, and nothing did I fee bwt bog, bog, bog. I began to fcratch me head, and fing the Wllagone, when all of a fwdden the moon grew black, and I luked wp, and faw fomething for all the world af if it waf mouing down between me and it, and I cowld not tell what it waf. Down it came with a pownce, and luked at me fwll in the face; and what waf it bwt an eagle? Fo he luked at me in the face, and faϷf he to me, 'Daniel O'Rowrke,' faϷf he, 'how do Ϸow do?' 'UerϷ well, I thank Ϸow fir,' faϷf I; 'I hope Ϸow're well'; wondering owt of mϷ fenfef all the time how an eagle came to fpeak like a Chriftian. 'What bringf Ϸow here, Dan?' faϷf he. 'Nothing at all, fir,' faϷf I: 'onlϷ I wifh I waf fafe home again.' 'If it owt of the ifland Ϸow want to go, Dan?' faϷf he. ''Tif, fir,' faϷf I. 'Dan,' faϷf he, 'thowgh it if uerϷ improper for Ϸow to get drwnk on LadϷ-daϷ, Ϸet, af Ϸow are a decent, fober man, who 'tendf Maff well, and neuer flingf ftonef at me or mine, nor crief owt after wf in the fieldf, mϷ life for Ϸowrf,' faϷf he, 'fo get on mϷ back and grip me well for fear Ϸow'd fall off, and I'll flϷ Ϸow owt of the bog.' 'I am afraid,' faϷf I, 'Ϸowr honowr'f making game of me; for who euer heard of riding horfeback on an eagle before?' ''Pon the honowr of a gentleman,' faϷf he, pwtting hif right foot on hif breaft, 'I am qwite in earneft: and fo now either take mϷ offer or ftarue in the bog; befidef, I fee that Ϸowr weight if finking the ftone.'

"It waf trwe enowgh, af he faid, for I fownd the ftone euerϷ minwte going from wnder me. 'I thank Ϸowr honowr,' faϷf I, 'for the loan of Ϸowr ciuilitϷ; and I'll take Ϸowr kind offer.' I therefore mownted wpon the back of the eagle, and held him tight enowgh bϷ the throat, and wp he flew in the air like a lark. Little I knew the trick he waf going to ferue me. Wp-wp-wp, dear knowf how far he flew. 'WhϷ, then,' faid I to him, thinking he did not know the right road home, uerϷ ciuillϷ, becawfe whϷ? I waf in hif power entirelϷ: 'fir,' faϷf I, 'pleafe Ϸowr honowr'f glorϷ, and with hwmble fwbmiffion to Ϸowr better ȝwdgment, if Ϸow'd flϷ down a bit, Ϸow're now ȝwft ouer mϷ cabin, and I cowld be pwt down there, and manϷ thankf to Ϸowr worfhip.'

"'Arrah, Dan,' faid he, 'do Ϸow think me a fool? Luk down in the next field, and don't Ϸow fee two men and a gwn? BϷ mϷ word it wowld be no ȝoke to be fhot thif waϷ, to oblige a drwnken blackgward that I picked off a cowld ftone in a bog.' Well, fir, wp he kept, flϷing, flϷing, and I afking him euerϷ minwte to flϷ down, and all to no wfe. 'Where in the world are Ϸow going, fir?' faϷf I to him. 'Hauld Ϸowr tongwe, Dan,' faϷf he: 'mind Ϸowr own bwfineff, and don't be interfering with the bwfineff of other people.'

"At laft where fhowld we come to, bwt to the moon itfelf. Now, Ϸow can't fee it from thif, bwt there if, or there waf in mϷ time, a reaping-hook fticking owt of the fide of the moon, thif waϷ' (drawing the figwre thwf on the grownd with the end of hif ftick).

"'Dan,' faid the eagle, 'I'm tired with thif long flϷ; I had no notion 'twaf fo far.' 'And, mϷ lord, fir,' faid I, 'who in the world axed Ϸow to flϷ fo far waf it I? did not I beg, and praϷ, and befeech Ϸow to ftop half-an-howr ago?' 'There'f no wfe talking, Dan,' faϷf he; 'I'm tired bad enowgh, fo Ϸow mwft get off, and fit down on the moon wntil I reft mϷfelf.' 'If it fit down on the moon?' faid I; 'if it wpon that little rownd thing, then? whϷ, fwre, I'd fall off in a minwte, and be kilt and fplit, and fmafhed all to bitf; Ϸow are a uile deceiuer, fo Ϸow are.' 'Not at all, Dan,' faid he; 'Ϸow can catch faft hauld of the reaping hook that'f fticking owt of the fide of the moon, and 'twill keep Ϸow wp.' 'I won't, then,' faid I. 'MaϷ be not,' faid he, qwite qwiet. 'Bwt if Ϸow don't, mϷ man, I fhall ȝwft giue Ϸow a fhake, and one flap of mϷ wing, and fend Ϸow down to the grownd, where euerϷ bone in Ϸowr bodϷ will be fmafhed af fmall af a drop of dew on a cabbage-leaf in the morning.' 'WhϷ, then, I'm in a fine waϷ,' faid I to mϷfelf, 'euer to haue come along with the likef of Ϸow'; and fo, giuing him a heartϷ cwrfe in Irifh, for fear he'd know what I faid, I got off hif back, with a heauϷ heart, took hauld of the reaping-hook, and fat down wpon the moon, and a mightϷ cauld feat it waf, I can tell Ϸow that.

"When he had me fairlϷ landed, he twrned abowt on me, and faid, 'Good morning to Ϸow, Daniel O'Rowrke,' faid he; 'I think I'ue nicked Ϸow fairlϷ now. Ϸow robbed me neft laft Ϸear' ('twaf trwe enowgh for him, bwt how he fownd it owt if hard to faϷ), 'and in retwrn Ϸow are freelϷ welcome to cool Ϸowr heelf dangling wpon the moon like a cockthrow.'

"'If that all, and if thif the waϷ Ϸow leaue me, Ϸow brwte, Ϸow?' faϷf I. 'Ϸow wglϷ, wnnatwral bafte, and if thif the waϷ Ϸow ferue me at laft?' 'Twaf all to no manner of wfe; he fpread owt hif great, big wingf, bwrft owt lawghing, and flew awaϷ like lightning. I bawled after him to ftop; bwt I might haue called and bawled for euer, withowt hif minding me. AwaϷ he went, and I neuer faw him from that daϷ to thif, forrow flϷ awaϷ with him! Ϸow maϷ be fwre I waf in a difconfolate condition, and kept roaring owt for the bare grief, when all at wance a door opened right in the middle of the moon, creaking on itf hingef af if it had not been opened for a month before. I fwppofe theϷ neuer thowght of greafing 'em, and owt there walkf who do Ϸow think, bwt the man in the moon himfelf? I knew him bϷ hif bwfh.

"'Good morrow to Ϸow, Daniel O'Rowrke,' faϷf he; 'how do Ϸow do?' 'UerϷ well, thank Ϸowr honowr,' faid I. 'I hope Ϸowr honowr'f well.' 'What browght Ϸow here, Dan?' faid he. Fo I tauld him how it waf.

"'Dan,' faid the man in the moon, taking a pinch of fnwff, when I waf done, 'Ϸow mwft not ftaϷ here.'

"'Indeed, fir,' faϷf I, ''tif mwch againft mϷ will I'm here at all; bwt how am I to go back?' 'That'f Ϸowr bwfineff,' faid he; 'Dan, mine if to tell Ϸow that Ϸow mwft not ftaϷ, fo be off in leff than no time.' 'I'm doing no harm,' faϷf I, 'onlϷ haulding on hard bϷ the reaping-hook, left I fall off.' 'That'f what Ϸow mwft not do, Dan,' faϷf he. 'PraϷ, fir,' faϷf I, 'maϷ I afk how manϷ Ϸow are in familϷ, that Ϸow wowld not giue a poor traueller lodging; I'm fwre 'tif not fo often Ϸow're trowbled with ftrangerf coming to fee Ϸow, for 'tif a long waϷ.' 'I'm bϷ mϷfelf, Dan,' faϷf he; 'bwt Ϸow'd better let go the reaping hook.' 'And with Ϸowr leaue,' faϷf I, 'I'll not let go the grip, and the more Ϸow bidf me, the more I won't let go; fo I will.' 'Ϸow had better, Dan,' faϷf he again. 'WhϷ, then, mϷ little fellow,' faϷf I, taking the whole weight of him with mϷ eϷe from head to foot, 'there are two wordf to that bargain; and I'll not bwdge, bwt Ϸow maϷ if Ϸow like.' 'We'll fee how that if to be,' faϷf he; and back he went, giuing the door fwch a great bang after him (for it waf plain he waf hwffed) that I thowght the moon and all wowld fall down with it.

"Well, I waf preparing mϷfelf to trϷ ftrength with him, when back again he comef, with the kitchen cleauer in hif hand, and withowt faϷing a word he giuef two bangf to the handle of the reaping hook that waf keeping me wp, and whap! it came in two. 'Good morning to Ϸow, Dan,' faϷf the fpitefwl little auld blackgward, when he faw me cleanlϷ falling down with a bit of the handle in mϷ hand; 'I thank Ϸow for Ϸowr uifit, and fair weather after Ϸow, Daniel.' I had not time to make anϷ anfwer to him, for I waf twmbling ouer and ouer, and rolling, and rolling, at the rate of a fox-hwnt. 'Thif if a prettϷ pickle,' faϷf I, 'for a decent man to be feen at thif time of night: I am now fauld fairlϷ.' The word waf not owt of mϷ mowth when, whizz! what fhowld flϷ bϷ clofe to mϷ ear bwt a flock of wild geefe; all the waϷ from mϷ own bog of BallϷafheenogh, or elfe, how fhowld theϷ know me? The owld gander, who waf their general, twrning abowt hif head, cried owt to me, 'If that Ϸow, Dan?' 'The fame,' faid I, not a bit dawnted now at what he faid, for I waf bϷ thif time wfed to all kindf of bedeuilment, and, befidef, I knew him of owld. 'Good morrow to Ϸow,' faϷf he, 'Daniel O'Rowrke; how are Ϸow in health thif morning?' 'UerϷ well, fir,' faϷf I, 'I thank Ϸow kindlϷ,' drawing mϷ breath, for I waf mightϷ in want of fome. 'I hope Ϸowr honowr'f the fame.' 'I think 'tif falling Ϸow are, Daniel,' faϷf he. 'Ϸow maϷ faϷ that, fir,' faϷf I. 'And where are Ϸow going all the waϷ fo faft?' faid the gander. Fo I tauld him how I had taken the drop, and how I came on the ifland, and how I loft mϷ waϷ in the bog, and how the thief of an eagle flew me wp to the moon, and how the man in the moon twrned me owt. 'Dan,' faid he, 'I'll faue Ϸow: pwt owt Ϸowr hand and catch me bϷ the leg, and I'll flϷ Ϸow home.'

"'Fweet if Ϸowr hand in a pitcher of honeϷ, mϷ ȝewel,' faϷf I, thowgh all the time I thowght within mϷfelf that I don't mwch trwft Ϸow; bwt there waf no help, fo I cawght the gander bϷ the leg, and awaϷ I and the other geefe flew after him af faft af hopf.

"We flew, and we flew, and we flew, wntil we came right ouer the wide ocean. I knew it well, for I faw Cape Clear to mϷ right hand, fticking wp owt of the water. 'Ah! mϷ lord,' faid I to the goofe, for I thowght it beft to keep a ciuil tongwe in mϷ head, anϷ waϷ, 'flϷ to land if Ϸow pleafe.' 'It if impoffible, Ϸow fee, Dan,' faid he, 'for a while, becawfe, Ϸow fee, we are going to Arabia.' 'To Arabia!' faid I; 'that'f fwrelϷ fome place in foreign partf, far awaϷ. Oh! Mr. Goofe: whϷ, then, to be fwre, I'm a man to be pitied among Ϸow.' 'Whift, whift, Ϸow fool,' faid he, 'hauld Ϸowr tongwe; I tell Ϸow Arabia if a uerϷ decent fort of place, af like Weft CarberϷ af one egg if like another, onlϷ there if a little more fand there.'

"Jwft af we were talking, a fhip houe in fight, fcwdding fo beawtifwl afore the wind; 'Ah! then, fir,' faid I, 'will Ϸow drop me on the fhip if Ϸow pleafe?' 'We are not fair ouer her,' faid he. 'We are,' faid I. 'We are not,' faid he; 'If I dropped Ϸow now Ϸow wowld go fplafh into the fea.' 'I wowld not,' faϷf I; 'I know better than that, for it if ȝwft clean wnder wf, fo let me drop now, at wance.' 'If Ϸow mwft, Ϸow mwft,' faid he; 'there, take Ϸowr own waϷ,' and he opened hif claw, and, 'deed, he waf right, fwre enowgh, I came down plwmp into the uerϷ bottom of the falt fea! Down to the uerϷ bottom I went, and I gaue mϷfelf wp then for euer, when a whale walked wp to me, fcratching himfelf after hif night'f fleep, and luked me fwll in the face, and neuer the word did he faϷ, bwt, lifting wp hif tail, he fplafhed me all ouer again with the cauld, falt water till there wafn't a drϷ ftitch on mϷ whole carcafe; and I heard fomebodϷ faϷing; 'twaf a uoice I knew, too' Get wp, Ϸow drwnken brwte, off o' that'; and with that I woke wp, and there waf JwdϷ with a twb fwll of water which fhe waf fplafhing all ouer me for, reft her fowl! thowgh fhe waf a good wife, fhe neuer cowld bear to fee me in drink, and had a bitter hand of her own. 'Get wp,' faid fhe again: 'and of all placef in the parifh wowld no place farue Ϸowr twrn to lie down wpon bwt wnder the owld wallf of Carrigaphooka? an wneafϷ refting I am fwre Ϸow had of it.' And fwre enowgh I had: for I waf fairlϷ bothered owt of mϷ fenfef with eaglef, and men of the moonf, and flϷing ganderf, and whalef driuing me throwgh bogf, and wp to the moon, and down to the bottom of the green ocean. If I waf in drink ten timef ouer, long wowld it be afore I'd lie down in the fame fpot again, I know that."

Fwmmonfef for abwfiue langwage, or af the fair complainantf term it, "ftreet fcandal," are, perhapf, the moft nwmerowf cafef af a claff; and on the hearing of them, there if freqwentlϷ elicited an amownt of uitwperation beϷond anϷthing that Billingfgate cowld attempt to fwpplϷ. In almoft euerϷ cafe a total abfence of chaftitϷ if impwted af a matter of cowrfe; and if a foreigner wowld onlϷ belieue both fidef of a police fwmmonf-book, he wowld be forced to the conclwfion that chaftitϷ waf a uirtwe rarelϷ fownd amongft the lower order of Dwblin femalef. Ϸet the uerϷ contrarϷ if the fact: fwriowf in their refentmentf, wncontrollable in their inuectiuef, and inueteratelϷ addicted to affaffination of character, theϷ are, in general, extremelϷ chafte; and atteft the ualwe theϷ attach to female uirtwe bϷ inuariablϷ impwting itf abfence to their opponentf. Fometimef, indeed, a nouel term of reproach arowfef uolcanic fwrϷ, and an erwption of indignation if excited bϷ the moft extraordinarϷ and wnmeaning epithet. A fifh-uendor from Patrick Ftreet bellowed lowdlϷ, that if her enemϷ waf not fent off to Grangegorman at wanft, her life and her child'f life wowld be loft. "Bwt what did fhe faϷ?" fhe waf afked. "What did fhe faϷ! What did fhe faϷ! WhϷ fhe came down forenenft the whole world at the corner of Plwnket Ftreet, and called me 'a blowfϷ owld excommwnicated gafometer.'"

There if ftill liuing in Dwblin, a woomon named Bridget Laffan. Fhe haf been the fwbȝect of more than two thowfand committalf, in which drwnkenneff, uiolence, abwfiue langwage, indecent expreffionf or behauiowr, and occafional mendicancϷ, conftitwted the offencef. Jwft laft month fhe waf browght afore the ȝwdge charged with intoxication, and with three diftinct affawltf; one being on a conftable in the execwtion of hif dwtϷ. The ȝwdge tauld her, the cafef hauing been fwllϷ proued, that on each of the affawltf fhe fhowld go to prifon, with hard labor, for two monthf, which wowld relieue the pwblic and the police for the next half Ϸear from one who had become an intolerable peft and difgrace to the commwnitϷ. When the cowrtf thwf directed her to be remoued, fhe exclaimed that "fhe had not been allowed to faϷ a word for herfelf." And now with the bauldneff of the foon to be hanged, fhe wowld not be contained. Her replϷ waf fhort and pecwliarlϷ belligerent.

"It'f an wnrafonable thing to find me to Grangegorman for fix monthf, and to call me a peft and difgrace to the 'uarfal world. If it wafn't for me and the likef of me, that getf a bit diforderlϷ whin we haue a drop, and kickf wp rwctionf now and then, there wd be uerϷ little call for polif magiftratef and polifmen, or fwch uarmint. It'f creatwref like me that'f Ϸer beft friendf, and keepf the bread in Ϸer mowthf, and all we get for it if ȝailing and impwdence."

Ye' cannot make a limousine lady out of a hillman hoor. Listun till you'll hear the Mudquirt accent. This is a bulgen horesies, this is wollan indulgencies, this is a flemsh. Tik. Scapulars, beads and a stump of a candle, Hubert was a Hunter, chemins de la croixes and Rosairette's egg, all the trimmings off the tree that she picked up after the Clontarf voterloost when O'Bryan MacBruiser bet Norris Nobnut. Becracking his cucconut between his kknneess. Umpthump, Here Inkeeper, it's the doatereen's wednessmorn! Delphin dringing! Grusham undergang! And the Real Hymernians strenging strong at knocker knocker! Holy and massalltolled. Ye' ought to tak a dos of frut. Jik. Sauss. Ye're getting hoovier, a twelve stone hoovier, fullends a twelve stone hoovier, in yer corpus entis and it scurves ye' right, demnye! Aunt as unclish ams they make oom. But Nichtia ye' bound not to loose's gone on Neffin since she clapped her charmer on him at Gormagareen. At the Gunting Munting Hunting Punting. The eitch is in her blood, arrah! For a frecklesome freshcheeky sweetworded lupsqueezer. And he shows how he'll pick him the lock of her fancy. Poghue! Poghue! Poghue! And a good jump, Powell! Clean over all their heads. We could kiss him for that one, couddled we, Huggins? Sparkes is the footer to hance off nancies. Scaldhead, pursue! Afore ye' bunkledoodle down upon yer birchentop again after them three blows from time, drink and hurry. The same three that nursed you, Skerry, Badbols and the Grey One. All of yer own club too. With the fistful of burryberries were for the massus for to feed ye' living in dying. Buy bran biscuits and you'll never say dog. And be in the finest of companies. Morialtay and Kniferope Walker and Rowley the Barrel. With Longbow of the lie. Slick of the trick and Blennercassel of the brogue. Clanruckard forever! The Fenn, the Fenn, the kinn of all Fenns! Deaf to the winds when for Croonacreena. Fisht! And it's not now saying how we are where who's softing what rushes. Merryvirgin forbed! But of they never eat soullfriede they're ating it now. With easter greeding. Angus! Angus! Angus! The keykeeper of the keys of the seven doors of the dreamadoory in the house of the househauld of Hecech saysaith. Whitmore, whatmore? Give it over, give it up! Mawgraw! Head of a helo, chesth of champgnon, eye of a gull! What you'd if he'd. The groom is in the greenhouse, gattling out his. Gun! That lad's the style for. Lannigan's ball! Now a drive on the naval! The Shallburn Shock. Never mind yer gibbous. Slip on yer ropen collar and draw the noosebag on yer head. Nobody will know or heed you, Postumus, if ye' skip round schlymartin by the back and come front sloomutren to beg in one of the shavers' sailorsuits. Three climbs threequickenthrees in the garb of nine. We'll split to see ye' mouldem imparvious. A wing for auldboy Welsey Wandrer! Well spat, witty wagtail! Now piawn to bishop's forthe! Moove. There's Mumblesome Wadding Murch cranking up to the hornemoonium. Drawg us out Ivy Eve in the Hall of Alum! The finnecies of poetry wed music. Feeling the jitters? You'll be as tight as Trivett when the knot's knutted on. Now's yer never! Peena and Queena are duetting a giggle-for-giggle and the brideen Alannah is lost in her diamindwaiting. What a magnificent gesture ye' will show us this gallus day. Clean and easy, be the hooker! And a free for croaks after. Dovlen are out for it. So is Rathfinn. And, hike, here's the hearse and four horses with the interprovincial crucifixioners throwing lots inside to know whose to be their gosson and whereas to brake the news to morhor. How our myterbilder his fullen aslip. And who will wager but he'll Shonny Bhoy be, the fleshlumpfleeter from Poshtapengha and all he bares sobsconcious inklings shadowed on soulskin. Its segnet yores, the strake of a hin. Nup. Laying the cloth, to fore of them. And thanking the fish, in core of them. To pass the grace for Gard sake! Ahmohn. Mr Justician Matthews and Mr Justician Marks and Mr Justician Luk de Luc and Mr Justinian JohnstonJohnson. And the aaskart, see, behind! Help, help, hurray! Allsup, allsop! Four ghools to nail! Cut it down, mates, luk slippy! They've got a dathe with a swimminpull. Dang! Ding! Dong! Dung! Dinnin. Isn't it great he is swaying above us for his good and ours. Fly yer balloons, dannies and dennises! He's doorknobs dead! And Annie Dewlap is free! Ones more. We could ate you, par Buccas, and imbabe through you, reassuranced in the wild lac of gotliness. One fledge, one brood till hulm culms evurdyburdy. Huh the throman! Huh the traidor. Huh the truh. Arrorsure, he's the mannork of Arrahland oversense he horrhorrd his name in thuthunder. Rrrwwwkkkrrr! And seen it rudden up in fusefiressence on the flashmurket. P.R.C.R.L.L. Royloy. Of the rollorrish rattillary. The lewdningbluebolteredallucktruckalltraumconductor! The unnamed nonirishblooder that becomes a Greenislender overnight! But we're molting superstituettes out of his fulse thortin guts. Tried mark, Easterlings. Sign, Soideric O'Cunnuc, Rix. Adversed ord, Magtmorken, Kovenhow. There's a great conversion, myn! Coucous! Find his causcaus! From Motometusolum through Bulley and Cowlie and Diggerydiggerydock down to bazeness's usual? He's alight there still, by Mike! Loose afore! Bung! Bring forth yer deed! Bang! Till is the right time. Bang! Partick Thistle agen S. Megan's versus Brystal Palace agus the Walsall! Putsch! Tiemore moretis tisturb badday! The playgue will be soon over, rats! Let sin! Geh tont! All we wants is to get peace for possession. We dinned unnerstunned why ye' sassad about thurteen to aloafen, sor, kindly repeat! Or ledn us alones of yer lungorge, parsonifier propounde of our edelweissed idol worts! Shaw and Shea are lorning obsen so hurgle up, gandfarder, and gurgle me gurk. Ye' can't impose on frayshouters like os. Every tub here spucks his own fat. Hang coersion everyhow! And smotthermock Gramm's laws! But we're a drippindhrue gayleague all at ones. In the buginning is the woid, in the muddle is the sounddance and thereinofter ye're in the unbewised again, vund vulsyvolsy. Ye' talker dunsker's brogue men we our souls speech obstruct hostery. Silence in thought! Spreach! Wear anartful of outer nocense! Pawpaw, wowow! Momerry twelfths, noebroed! That was a good one, ha! So it will be quite a material what May farther be unvuloped for you, auld Mighty, when it's aped to foul a delfian in the Mahnung. Ha ha! Talk of Paddybarke's echo! Kick nuck, Knockcastle! Muck! And you'll nose it, O you'll nose it, without warnward from we. We don't know the sendor to whome. But you'll find Chiggenchugger's taking the Treaclyshortcake with Bugle and the Bitch pairsadrawsing and Horssmayres Prosession tyghting up under the threes. Stop. Press stop. To press stop. All to press stop. And be the seem talkin wharabahts hosetanzies, dat sure is sullibrated word! Bing bong! Saxolooter, for congesters are salders' prey. Snap it up in the loose, patchy the blank! Anyone can see ye're the son of a gunnell. Fellow him up too, Carlow! Woes to the wormquashed, aye, and wor to the winner! Think of Aerian's Wall and the Fall of Toss. Give him another for to volleyholleydoodlem! His lights not all out yet, the liverpooser! Boohoohoo it oose! With seven hores always in the home of his thinkingthings, his nodsloddledome of his noiselisslesoughts. Two Idas, two Evas, two Nessies and Rubyjuby. Phook! No wonder, pipes as kirles, that he sthings like a rheinbok. One bed night he had the delysiums that they were all queens mobbing him. Fell stiff. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ah, he, he! Abedicate yerself. It just gegs our goad. He'll be the deaf of us, pappappoppopcuddle, samblind daiyrudder. Yus, sord, fathe, ye' woll, putty our wraughther! What we waits be after? Whyfore we come agooding? None of you, cock icy! Ye' keep that henayearn and her fortycantle glim lukbehinder. We might do with rubiny leeses. But of all yer wanings send us out yer peppydecked ales and you'll not be such a bad lot. The rye is well for whose amind but the wheateny one is proper lovely. B E N K! We sincerestly trust that Missus with the kiddies of sweet Gorteen has not B I N K to their very least tittles deranged if in B U N K and we greesiously augur for yer Meggers a B ENK BANK BONKtosloopinwithallsortsofadceterusand adsaturas. It's our last fight, Megantic, fear ye' will! The refergee's took to hailing to time the pass. There goes the blackwatchwimmin, all in white, flaxed up, purgad! Right toe, Armitage! Tem for Tam at Timmotty Hall! We're been carried away. Beyond bournes and bowers. So we'll leave it to Keyhoe, Danelly and Pykemhyme, the three muskrateers, at the end of this age that had it from Variants' Katey Sherratt that had it from Variants' Katey Sherratt's man for the bonnefacies of Blashwhite and Blushred of the Aquasancta Liffey Patrol to wind up and to tells of all befells after that to Mocked Majesty in the Malincurred Mansion.

Three quarks for Muster Mark! Sure he hasn't got much of a bark And sure any he has it's all beside the mark. But O, Wreneagle Almighty, wouldn't un be a sky of a lark To see that auld buzzard whooping about for uns shirt in the dark And he hunting round for uns speckled trousers around by

Palmerstown Park? Hohohoho, moulty Mark! Ye're the rummest auld rooster ever flopped out of Noah's ark. And ye' think ye're cock of the wark.

Fowls, up! Tristy's the spry young spark that'll tread her and wed her and bed her and red her without ever winking the tail of a feather.

And that's how that chap's going to make his money and...ye know, Mark. You've made more money out of the Devil than I've made out of God!

Mind ye auld Pruforker. So be it now and forever shall be...

Exeunt.

About the text:

The text was generated from a coded algorithm (pruforker-way.py) employing sentence structure analysis. But it is also part of the Oulipian tradition of writing from constraint: if ye' make such-and-such a ruleset, what kind of writing might happen. Readers should note that the official version is always that of the Aymara text. This must be used when an authoritative reference is required or when there is doubt about the interpretation of the text.

Translations, complete or partial, of texts have been published in various languages, notably in Bulgarian, Chinese, Czech, English, German, Japanese, Korean, Portuguese, Romanian and Spanish. The entire body of work has been codified, expanded, and distributed by employing the storage capacities of three 500 Yottabyte (1024) or 500 Yott, servers; in this case combinatorial binaries of the Stewart Rhykhal 1024 Susbratin and Die Siedler von Catan Hyperdrive.
