When I was
trying to figure out
what guys
were thinking about,
I came across stuff
that was just too discouraging.
I came across
an article that said
guys think about sex
at least every five minutes.
Which that’s like--
disturbing, right?
Like, you guys are responsible
for like, really important shit
like wars and bombs,
and you guys can't focus
for five fucking minutes...
Like, important men
are thinking about sex
every five minutes
which is like, Barack Obama
thinks about sex
every five minutes.
Which probably explains
why he's always stuttering
during his fucking speeches.
It's like, dude,
get your shit together,
man, you know?
But you'll see it happen.
You'll see him
giving a speech
and you'll see
that five-minute mark hit.
You’ll see
sex enter his mind.
He'll be like, "We're going
to go into Afghanistan
"and we're going to
discuss the...
"um, we're going to,
"ah, we're going to get
on the, uh, brrrr.
Dude,
I just saw that, man.
You were just thinking
about titties--Afghan titties.
I saw it happen.
It's just concerning to me.
I feel like
there are a lot of jobs
where you guys probably need
to...focus. Right?
Like, heart surgeons think about
sex every five minutes.
And heart surgeries
are like, five hours long,
so that's like, 60 times.
Like, you know heart surgeons
are just sitting there
looking at an open heart
like, "Yeah, I'd put
my dick in that."
"I said it."
It's not even weird, though,
that guys think about sex.
Like, we've accepted it so much
as a society now.
It's so institutionalized,
we've embraced it, you know?
Like, there's just
a restaurant called Hooters--
that's just a restaurant.
Whereas there would never
be a restaurant like, that
for women, you know,
called like...
Dongs.
Where all the waiters
were like, in Speedos and shit
’cause that would be a
disgusting fucking restaurant.
Nobody would ever eat there.
We do not want to see your
flaccid dicks in spandex--
I gotta be honest.
It looks like a hamster
stuck in a water balloon.
No. No.
It's always
like some weird...
...shitake mushroom
coming out.
It's always going up
like, a snorkel.
Like, why is it up?
Get it down there!
It's always like,
on one side, all mis--
get it--why is it
so misallocated?
Disgusting.
Like, if there was going to be
a restaurant like, that
for women where the waiters
were dressed up
to arouse the women
eating there,
they would not be
in Speedos, okay?
They'd be wearing suits,
carrying briefcases,
holding up their perfect
credit reports.
( GIGGLES )
Like, I feel like, girls
don't need like,
sex while we're doing
our jobs, you know? Right?
Like, you would never turn on
the Cooking Channel
and see like, a bunch
of shirtless dudes
like, "Yeah, girl,
ooh, yeah, yeah.
"Just put that butter
on the pan, girl.
"Just get it in the roast."
I just realized I don't know
anything about cooking.
Did you see the wheels
just turning there?
Like, it wasn't
even clo-- Roast?
No one does a roast anymore.
I'm going to work on that.
I think I figured out
why guys like sex more.
I think it's biological.
I think it's because sex
is so much better for guys.
You know,
it’s so much easier.
Like, for a guy--
sex is better for guys
because it's so much easier
for you guys to have an orgasm.
You know, like, for a guy
to have an orgasm,
it's just like,--
it's like, you just... ( SIGHS )
( GROANS )
Pretty much
all that has to happen.
You just have to kind of
walk into something or...
...there has to be like,
a drizzle out, you know.
Which, by the way, I have
narrowed down men's orgasms
to three basic categories.
Like, there's three
basic ones...
( HEAVY BREATHING )
The first one is like,
you just got shot in the back
with an arrow...
The second one
is like, you're puking...
( VOMITING SOUND )
And the third one
is a rare one,
but it's for the guys
that are like, secretly psychos
and they hate women
and it'll come out like,
right at the finish line,
you know, like, out of nowhere.
They'll be like, "Yeah,
I love you, I need you, yeah."
"Shut up, you dumb whore!"
They’re like, "Oh, no."
"I thought we were in love."
But for a woman to have
an orgasm it is so hard--
it is so hard
to have an orgasm.
It's-- I cannot wait
to have one.
I hear they're great.
I mean seriously,
for a girl to have an orgasm,
you've got to be like,--
you've got to be like, focused.
You have to be like,
emotionally connected.
You've got to be relaxed.
You've got to be
in great shape.
And it makes it even harder
’cause you guys watch porn
and you think
that the porn stars
are having orgasms,
but they’re all faking it.
And they make it look
so fucking easy.
Porn stars will be just like,'
"Ooh, I'm coming,
I'm coming,
I'm coming."
That's nothing.
That's-- she's coming
down from a meth binge.
Nothing's happening to her.
I can't compete with that.
Like, if your girl
is having an orgasm,
she's not going
"Oh, I'm coming, I'm coming.
If your girl
is having an orgasm,
she's going'
"Do not fucking move!"
( YELLING ) I swear to God,
I will fucking kill you.
Faster. Slower.
Tell me you love me--
you better fucking
mean it this time!
Kiss me on the mouth
God damn it!
( YELLING ) Pull my hair,
not the extensions!
( YELLING ) Shut up,
you dumb whore!
( SOBS )
