Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World.
‘They have come. They are here’
Nocturna Granddaughter of Dracula feels like a sort of spiritual sibling to Vampire Hookers,
although unlike Vampire Hookers, it does actually contain vampire hookers.
‘I promise you it will be the most unusual thrill of your life’
Once again John Carradine stars,
‘If I’m alive, what am I doing here?’
wearing the same costume he wore for 1945’s House of Dracula.
‘To think that I, Count Dracula, the scourge of Transylvania,
feared by man and beast, should be reduced to running a 2nd rate hotel’
And to think that that was the best way of getting that particular plot point across.
The film also features Lily Munster herself, Yvonne de Carlo,
'Hi.'
and she and Carradine do give things a bit of class,
‘Come on Drac baby, let’s shake a leg’
Although class is relative in a film like this.
‘It’s been so long, I don’t think I know how any more’
The bulk of the film rests on the title character
‘Nocturna’
Who is…  ‘
Dracula’s Granddaughter’
Something the film is keen you don’t forget.
‘She is the granddaughter of Count Dracula’ ‘I’m the granddaughter of dracula’
‘I’m the granddaughter of Dracula’
'She’s the granddaughter of Count Dracula himself’
Little is required of actress Nai Bonet, beyond looking pretty,
‘If only I could get into her coffin’
yet her acting feels inadequate to the drama.
‘You’re embarrassing me’
Though I think she’s more to be pitied than censured as she’s stuck in a bathtub for five minutes
with an unnecessary voiceover.
‘I’m a vampire, I have no reflection, men have always been my victims.’
Certainly no other way of getting that across.
But if she’s underacting then the deficit is more than made up by werewolf Theodore, overacting,
‘I’ve failed’
overemoting,
‘Noctura, you shall be mine, come hell or holy water’
and oversharing,
‘I’m too easily aroused. Cows have to wear brassiere’s when I got to the country’
He’s played by comedian Brother Theodore, known for his stream of consciousness monologues,
which make me think that a large part of this was unscripted because most of his role is delivered in wildly over the top soliloquy.
‘Is she never going to molest me? Is she never going to invade my bed and abuse me?'
The film’s selling point is Disco, they even persuaded Gloria Gaynor to sing the opening number.
#I feel it's gonna happen today baby#
But it delivers on this by coming to a crashing halt every fifteen minutes
for a pointless montage or endless dance routine.
The music is central to the plot, as Nocturna discovers that dancing has a strange effect on her,
and, against her Grandfather’s wishes, she elopes to New York with her boyfriend to explore this.
'You're beautiful'
If this is in the present, why are they taking a horse drawn carriage?
In America Nocturna stays with De Carlo’s Jugulia Vein,
‘Some of us are even considering coming out of the coffin, as it were’
A politically active vampire who takes Nocturna to a meeting of the Bloodsuckers of America.
‘Me and the Palladino family, those hits we made, the cops are starting to work out it wasn't icepicks.'
A collection of vaguely offensive stereotypes,
'One sniff and you get the highest blood count you ever had.'
but this does suggest we’re stumbling into a more interesting plot,
especially as blood dealer RH Factor reappears with the aforementioned vampire hookers,
and tries to get Nocturna to join his operation,
‘How about a little snort?’
But, once the film has clocked up the obligatory nudity,
‘It’s freshly squeezed, master’
we move on from this, never to return,
because God forbid a potentially interesting plotline should get in the way of a feeble one.
‘When I dance I become transformed’
Nocturna’s boyfriend encourages her to embrace disco culture.
Apparently weed has a weird effect on vampires.
Now Dracula and Theodore arrive to bring Nocturna back.
That is the least dramatic kidnap ever.
'Now I call the tune to which you will dance and it will be the dance of death.'
Wait, I thought he kidnapped her.
Oh he did. What a confusing way to completely cut the action out of two action scenes,
‘Long live death’
Anyway, Nocturna saves her guy, he saves her.
But how can they be together?
‘I’m sure it’s gonna be alright’
And that’s all the explanation you’re getting.
No idea. Don’t actually care.
Here’s the plot; Nocturna discovers that dancing may be able to replace her dependence on blood,
and it does!
‘It’s just that lately I seem to have lost the desire for it’
That’s it. The shocking truth is, Vampire Hookers is better made,
has a better central character and a more lucid plot.
‘You pompous ass’
If you didn’t hate disco beforehand, you will after.
#I'm so hopelessly in love with you girl, it's turning my life upside down.'
Thanks for watching. To see an uncensored version of this review, join us on Patreon as an acolyte.
Theodore’s last line...
‘As long as there is death, there is hope’
is actually on Brother Theodore’s tombstone, what horror movie quote would be your epitaph?
Let us know in the comments below.
'Go away and clean up, you're a mess.'
