 
# STAGE 12

##

## A COLLECTION OF SKETCHES AND ONE-ACT PLAYS  
BY PETER D. WILSON

Copyright Peter D. Wilson 2011

Smashwords Edition, Licence Notes

Thank you for downloading this e-book. Despite being available free of charge, it remains the copyrighted property of the author. Nevertheless, individual scripts **with this page as preface** may be freely copied for the purpose of considering or rehearsing a production, and as a rule no royalties are payable for amateur performance, although if possible the author should be notified of the intention. Otherwise no part may be reproduced, copied or distributed for any commercial or non-commercial purpose without his permission.

Copyright Peter D. Wilson 2011

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For permission to reproduce material from this e-book,  
please apply stating extent and purpose of the request;  
contact details may be found under "About the author".

Disclaimer

Any resemblance to real persons in these scripts is coincidental.

Cover photograph: Roman theatre, Palmyra, Syria. Copyright Peter D. Wilson 2011.

##  CONTENTS

BRIEF SKETCHES _(written for specific occasions)_

Independence Day (mini-drama; 2m, 1f; 10 minutes)  
A teenage son is at the stage of leaving home, but his parents too find advantages in independence.

Perils of Travel (conversation piece; 2f; 10 minutes)  
Two young professional women, awaiting a flight to a meeting, discuss a missing passenger, security issues, and why not to travel in a business suit.

Crash (mini-drama; 2f; 8 minutes)  
A teenage girl, who may or may not be dreaming, is visited by a friend who may or may not have stolen the first's boy-friend, and has been involved in a horrendous road accident.

Inn Memory (mini-drama; 2f; 8 minutes)  
Why is the visitor alarmed by a completely peaceful rural scene?

ONE-ACT _(mostly of competition length)_

Good Intentions (comedy; 3m, 3f; 50 minutes)  
George means well but lacks won't-power, and events conspire against his good intentions. Fortunately he is shunted off the road so paved before reaching its proverbial destination.

Danube Moon (comedy; 2m, 2f; 30 minutes)  
A disagreeable divorcee unexpectedly encounters her ex-husband on a river cruise, and quite against her intentions helps him out of a desperate situation.

Whitefly (drama; 2m, 3f, 1 either; 40 minutes)  
An unscrupulous journalist causes disaster to a small community in her determination not to let the truth get in the way of a good story about a local project.  
_(Adapted for the stage from an original written for television, given in the "_Other fiction _" section of the author's web site.)_

Nemesis (dark-grey comedy; 1m, 2f; 30 minutes)  
"Hell is other people" said Sartre, but Alan, his wife and mistress find otherwise; and who has murdered whom, or doesn't it matter?

In the author's opinion the best script of the set.

Coincidence (comedy; 3m, 3f; 30 minutes)  
A series of outrageous coincidences reunites several old acquaintances.

Green Eyes (drama; 3m, 2f; 45 minutes)  
Sally and Kevin are keen environmentalists. Kevin becomes unreasonably jealous of Sally's contacts with a specialist she has interviewed for the local newspaper and accidentally causes his death, with subsequent agonies of remorse. This drives them apart until his subsequent conduct enables him to forgive himself.

Fish out of Water (comedy mystery; 8m, 17f, 1 m or f; 60 minutes)  
Among a mixed bunch of passengers on a river cruise, one is the object of particular interest for several others on covert business, but insists that he is not who they think; or is he?

Waiting (drama; 10m, 10f; 45 minutes)  
A busload of passengers is left stranded and wondering why; the reason proves more drastic than they could have imagined, but to resolve some old problems.

About the author

##  **********

##  INDEPENDENCE DAY

A miniature domestic drama

Characters

Joan An over-solicitous Mum.

Eric Her husband, a harassed minor functionary, with a pedantic manner, inclined to clichés.

Bob Their teenage son, at the rebellious stage.

Set

A family sitting room, conventionally furnished with a settee roughly in the centre, otherwise at discretion.

Time

The present

*****

Opening

Joan is seated on the settee, half her attention on a holiday brochure. She turns the pages distractedly, anxiously consulting her watch from time to time. She repeatedly returns to a particular page, then with a regretful sigh and a shake of the head, puts it aside as an outer door is heard to open and close. After a pause, Eric enters, carrying a briefcase, and lightly pecks her on the cheek.

ERIC Hello, dear. Sorry I'm late.

JOAN It's all right. There's no hurry.

ERIC How's the day been?

JOAN Not bad.

ERIC Not good, either, by the sound of it.

JOAN I've been worried.

ERIC About Bob?

JOAN Yes. It's the first time he's been away from home overnight.

ERIC About time, too. A lad of his age ...

JOAN Yes, but you never know what these lads get up to. You hear such dreadful stories ...

ERIC Look, dear, you fret too much. He's a sensible chap, as they go, and for goodness' sake, he's only been staying with a friend after the concert. You wouldn't have wanted him trailing right across the town at God knows what hour. Let alone waking us up when he got in - or more likely keeping us up waiting.

JOAN I suppose you're right. But I didn't sleep anyway.

ERIC No, and you made sure I didn't either.

JOAN Get away with you. You were snoring like a grampus.

ERIC _(with dignity)_ I do not snore.

JOAN How do you know? You couldn't hear it. Anyway, how about you? Had a busy day?

ERIC As always. Not over yet, either _. (Indicating the briefcase, sighing)_ More papers to deal with.

JOAN Oh, really, it's too bad. You let yourself be put upon.

ERIC Well, it's got to be done. At least if I get these out of the way tonight, the weekend should be free.

JOAN It never used to be like this.

ERIC No, but with the "no replacement" policy, everyone's having to cram more in. It can't go on indefinitely, though. We're all getting worn out. No one was really awake this afternoon.

JOAN You need a holiday.

ERIC I know. Just haven't been able to take the time off, with so much going on. Still, there's light at the end of the tunnel. Things should slacken off for the summer in a week or two.

JOAN _(hopefully)_ Really? We can get away then?

ERIC Don't see why not. Anywhere you particularly fancy?

JOAN Well, I was just looking at this brochure ... _(Finding the page)_ Here - "Special offer during July - two for the price of one. Cruise the coast of Asia Minor from Antalya to Kusadasi ..."

ERIC Bit out of our league, isn't it?

JOAN Don't be such a stick-in-the-mud. Spread your wings a little!

ERIC I don't know. Isn't that the firm that was criticised when one of their cruises had to be taken by coach because the water wasn't deep enough for the boat?

JOAN That was a river trip. No one's going to pull the plug out of the Med.

ERIC I suppose not. Let's have a look. _(He studies the itinerary)_ Hm, might be quite interesting. And at that price ... yes, the budget would just about run to it. Two for the price of one. I like that.

JOAN But what about Bob? We'd have to pay full price for him.

ERIC Who said anything about taking Bob?

JOAN _(stating the obvious)_ We can't leave him behind, can we?

ERIC I don't see why not.

JOAN But he's always taken his holidays with us.

ERIC You mean we've always taken him on holiday with us.

JOAN That's what I said.

ERIC No it isn't. It's a different thing altogether. You imply that he had a choice in the matter. If he did, I'm not at all sure that he'd have come. Most lads of his age are off with their own pals.

JOAN Yes, and look what they get up to. Drink ... drugs ...you know.

ERIC So that's what it's all about. Look, the longer you keep him on your apron strings, the more violently he's going to react when he does get the chance.

JOAN _(bursting with a hitherto contained anxiety)_ Eric, I'm worried.

ERIC _(wearily)_ So, what's new?

JOAN I was tidying his room today ...

ERIC Joan! You know how he hates that.

JOAN Yes, but he left the door open ... I couldn't help seeing what a mess it was in.

ERIC You might have just closed the door.

JOAN I suppose I might. But, anyway, I didn't. I found some magazines - horrible magazines.

ERIC What sort?

JOAN You know ...

ERIC No, Joan. I don't know. That's why I asked.

JOAN Vile pictures ...

ERIC I see, I think I can guess.

JOAN I threw them out, of course.

ERIC Joan! Do you really think that was wise?

JOAN Why ever not?

ERIC For a start, they aren't your property ...

JOAN You're not going to let a technicality like that bother you, surely!

ERIC ... and more practically, he'll know you've been snooping.

JOAN Snooping?

ERIC What else could you call it? And another thing, suppose anyone goes rooting in our dustbin, do you want them found?

JOAN _(in disgust)_ Oh, really!

The outer door opens and slams shut. Bob, not a picture of elegance, breezes in, obviously just passing with no wish for more than the most perfunctory courtesies.

BOB Hello, Mum ... Dad.

ERIC Hello, son. How was the concert?

BOB Not bad. The amps could have done with pepping up a bit ...

ERIC Yes, I thought it must have been a subdued affair. We couldn't hear it - and it was only six miles away.

JOAN Dinner in a quarter of an hour?

BOB OK. _(He withdraws)_

ERIC What's it to be?

JOAN Irish stew. _(With feeling)_ Oh, how I wish I could get away from all this!

ERIC _(astonished)_ You mean, permanently? Doing a Shirley Valentine?

JOAN That's a thought \- I rather fancy Tom Conti.

ERIC Some hopes!

JOAN No, I suppose it'll have to be just the usual fortnight in bloody Sidmouth.

ERIC It doesn't have to be bloody Sidmouth. Cornwall's quite nice ...

JOAN _(scornfully)_ Cornwall!

Bob bursts in, thunderously and furious.

BOB Mum! You've been messing about with my room again!

JOAN I've tidied it, yes. It was such a pigsty ...

BOB I can't find anything now. How the hell do you expect me to put up with it?

ERIC Bob! That's no way to speak to your mother!

BOB Oh, don't be so bloody pompous. There are some books I borrowed from Tubby Gordon - he wants them back tonight ... or else.

JOAN And what sort of books would they be?

BOB _(a shade embarrassed)_ Well ...

ERIC I think you may find them in the dustbin. Oh, don't worry - the liner was changed today.

BOB You've no right! Meddling with my things ...

ERIC _(firmly)_ May I remind you that this is a family home. It isn't a hotel - however much like one you may treat it - and your mother and I are responsible for what goes on here. We won't have that sort of muck under our roof! Is that understood?

Bob is about to expostulate, but thinks better of it and goes.

ERIC Pompous!

JOAN _(giggling despite herself)_ Well, you were just a shade.

ERIC It's no laughing matter.

JOAN Sorry, dear.

Bob returns, carrying magazines in a plastic bag, still angry but controlled.

BOB Right, that's it. You don't want these under your roof. You won't want me under it, either.

JOAN Bob!

BOB Joe Billings suggested weeks ago I should move in with him.

JOAN Move?

BOB I should have had the sense to take him up on it then. Well, better late than never.

JOAN What about your dinner?

BOB Stuff your ruddy dinner! And I hope it chokes you!

Exit. Stunned silence for a moment, then Joan starts weeping. Eric tries to comfort her.

ERIC Steady on, old girl.

JOAN I've got to stop him.

She moves to follow, but Eric restrains her.

ERIC No, dear. How can you? In any case, try to stop him now and you've lost him for ever. Let him go, and he'll probably come back.

JOAN You think so?

ERIC Probably not to live here. He's got to leave the nest some time. This may be as good as any.

Bob returns with a small bag. His anger has abated.

BOB Sorry I blew my top. I've just packed a few things for the night. I'll be back for the rest later. If you don't mind.

ERIC Of course not.

BOB Oh - _(passing Eric a hand-written card)_ and here's the address.

ERIC _(offering his hand)_ Good luck, son.

Bob hesitates a moment, then shakes hands, and with some diffidence hugs Joan. He leaves. Joan subsides rather tearfully on to the settee.

ERIC Well ...

JOAN He's gone. They all go sooner or later, don't they? Every family breaks up.

ERIC He's gone, yes. He needs his own space. But he left his address. He wouldn't have done that if he wanted to break with us, would he?

JOAN I suppose not.

ERIC Come on, cheer up. Let's think about that holiday.

JOAN All right. I'll try. What do you think?

ERIC Where's that brochure?

JOAN _(passing it)_ Here.

ERIC Let's see. Antalya to Kusadasi. Two for the price of one. We could do it now.

JOAN So we could.

ERIC Yes, after all that, there's something to be said for being independent, isn't there?

CURTAIN

**********

Return to Contents

## PERILS OF TRAVEL

Characters

Anne A capable, practical professional woman in her mid to late twenties, probably on the way to higher management. She normally keeps her feelings under close control, which however does sometimes slip.

Barbara A rather younger professional, competent in her speciality but less worldly than Anne, with whom she is nevertheless sufficiently familiar for a measure of light banter to be accepted.

Set

An anonymous international airport lounge.

Time  
Late 2002.

*****

Opening

The Tannoy announces "Will passenger MacDonald for Amsterdam please report to gate number 24 immediately, as the flight is now closing." Anne and Barbara enter, Anne smartly dressed as for a business meeting and carrying a briefcase, Barbara casual but with a laptop computer. They choose seats, then Anne stands briefly to peer at the departures screen on the "fourth wall."

ANNE Thirty minutes' delay. Could be worse.

BARBARA At least it's a relief to get rid of the luggage.

ANNE Why on earth do you bring so much? It's only a three-day meeting.

BARBARA Yes, but you never know what sort of occasions will arise.

ANNE Somehow I don't foresee much in the way of glamorous evening entertainment.

BARBARA I don't want to miss out if there is any going. And in any case I don't want to turn up in a suit that looks as though I've been sleeping in it.

ANNE Choose the right suit, and it won't - even if you have.

BARBARA Well, I'm not the one who always nods off after lunch.

ANNE Always? Come off it. Once or twice, perhaps - after a heavy night.

BARBARA I don't think you realise how often it is.

ANNE Then for goodness' sake give me a prod any time you see me napping. It could be seriously embarrassing.

BARBARA _(teasing)_ I shall, don't worry.

ANNE Anyway, to get back to the point, I don't like to be parted from anything I'll need at the meeting - I'd stick to hand baggage alone if it were possible. Remember that time in Vienna when the man from Brazil apologised for turning up looking like a lumberjack because his luggage had gone on a world tour and never caught up with him.

BARBARA That was exceptional. I've never had anything go astray.

ANNE Talk about tempting Providence! Remember the story Bill told us on Wednesday.

BARBARA I missed that. What was it?

ANNE Well, he was behind a particularly cantankerous customer at the check-in, giving the clerk hell. When his turn came he asked the girl where this character was going. "Trinidad - but his luggage is going to Tokyo."

BARBARA I wouldn't say I was particularly cantankerous.

ANNE Far from it. But accidents do happen. I've been lucky - the only time my luggage was missing it had been put on the next flight to the same destination. You can't count on that.

The Tannoy again announces, more emphatically, "Will passenger MacDonald for Amsterdam please report to gate number 24 immediately, as the flight is now closing."

ANNE Why is it always passengers for Amsterdam who seem to go missing?

BARBARA I did hear of one for Brussels once.

ANNE There must be something about the Low Countries.

BARBARA _(almost giggling)_ I get a picture of a very staid New York couple, descended from the original Dutch settlers, heading back to some dreary ancestral town, and the husband deciding at the last minute that he'd rather kick up his heels in Paris instead.

ANNE "MacDonald" doesn't sound particularly Dutch.

BARBARA Perhaps it's his wife who's the old colonial.

ANNE That's possible. And maybe the husband's preoccupied with the whisky in the Duty Free.

BARBARA That sounds a lot more likely. Oh, will you keep an eye on my things for a while? Shan't be long.

ANNE Topping up your own supplies?

BARBARA No, just a precaution.

ANNE Only teasing. Go ahead. I've a couple of calls to make.

Exit Barbara. Anne checks her diary, then takes out a mobile phone and dials.

ANNE Sid?... It's Anne. Sorry to bother you, but in the rush to prepare for this trip I forgot that Bob was away when it was arranged, and didn't think to mention it yesterday. There's a section meeting tomorrow; would you give my apologies?... Thanks. You're a brick... Oh yes? The chance would be fine thing! Cheers. _(She dials again.)_ Hello, Mum.... Yes, no problem. Traffic was pretty bad, but we'd left plenty of time. We're in the departure lounge now... A half-hour delay so far \- could be worse. How are things with you?... But you need to get out more. Don't turn down an opportunity just because -... Oh yes, he said that was a possibility. Now look, you're not to worry... Yes, of course, but they wouldn't be sending him if they thought there was any real danger. I'm sure he'll be all right... Yes, I know the situation's different now, but it hasn't hotted up yet, and by all accounts it'll be months before it could - plenty of time to get him out in case of trouble... Yes, I will. 'Bye. _(Barbara returns.)_ That was quick.

BARBARA No queue. Oh, and I think I've solved the MacDonald mystery.

ANNE What?

BARBARA The missing passenger. A rather elderly woman dashed out just as I got there and dropped her bag on the way. I picked it up for her - that was the name on the label. _(Examining a finger)_ Damn! I've broken a nail. And my file was confiscated at the security check.

ANNE I did warn you. _(Fishing in her handbag)_ Here, I've an emery board.

BARBARA Thanks. _(She attends to the damage and returns the board.)_ But what use would a three-inch nail file be to any terrorist?

ANNE Hmm. You might be surprised.

She moves behind Barbara and presses a metal-bodied pen to the back of her neck.

ANNE ( _speaking in an unnaturally deep voice)_ Can you tell what it is that I've got here?

BARBARA Don't! It gives me the creeps. What is that?

ANNE _(reverting to a normal voice)_ Just a pen - which may not be mightier than the sword, but in this case as effective as a gun so long as you think that it is one.

BARBARA And so long as you don't need to fire it.

ANNE Of course.

BARBARA Better not tell the security people.

ANNE No, I should hate to lose this. It's rather special.

BARBARA I'm surprised you risk it, then.

ANNE A mistake. I forgot it was in this bag. And to be honest I never thought of pretending it was anything else until now.

BARBARA May I see?

ANNE Certainly. _(She passes it over.)_

BARBARA What an odd shape.

ANNE Apparently it represents a Japanese nuclear fuel element - in miniature, naturally, though the button at the top is supposed to be the same size as one of the actual pellets. It was given to Dad when he retired. I kept it after...

She breaks off in a sudden and uncharacteristic moment of emotion.

BARBARA _(after a moment of anxiety while Anne recovers)_ Yes, I can see why it's precious.

ANNE Sorry about that. It doesn't usually take me so hard.

BARBARA Nothing to be sorry for. It's perfectly natural. I'd be more worried if it didn't hurt. You were pretty close to him, weren't you?

ANNE Yes. Best pals, and all that. I still think occasionally, "I must tell Dad about that - he'd love it" - but I can't.

BARBARA Perhaps you should save it up for when you meet again.

ANNE Do you believe we do?

BARBARA Plenty of people I respect think so.

ANNE Not quite the same thing. To me, it somehow seems too much like wishful thinking.

BARBARA Yes, but wanting something to be true doesn't necessarily make it false.

ANNE I suppose not. Oh, this won't do at all. I'm getting thoroughly maudlin. _(A moment's pause)_ Barbara -

BARBARA What?

ANNE You had some connection who was involved with UN weapon inspection, didn't you?

BARBARA Yes, an umpteenth cousin so many times removed - I never could work out the exact relationship.

ANNE How did you meet, then?

BARBARA We just happened to be fairly close neighbours, and his son dated me occasionally in a rather platonic way. Nice lad; I did wonder sometimes... But he went off to a job half way across the country, and met someone else. What of it?

ANNE Did he ever say anything about how dangerous the job was?

BARBARA Why on earth do you ask?

ANNE I just phoned Mum. She's worried because Uncle Jim is being sent to Iraq in the new round of inspections.

BARBARA O lucky Jim. I can't say I particularly envy him. But I think you could safely tell your mother not to worry.

ANNE I did, but I doubt if it helped. She's no fool, and after all, what do I know about it?

BARBARA Well, Jack said he got on fine with the people he actually dealt with. The ordinary folk there are just as decent and reasonable as anywhere else - more so than in some places he's been, a lot nearer home. His contacts apparently regarded the job as one where they were all more or less colleagues together.

ANNE I don't think that's quite what Mum's worried about. The high-ups aren't likely to take the same view. What happens if the military decide to use the inspectors as hostages?

BARBARA These days, that could happen to anyone, anywhere.

ANNE In our present circumstances, that isn't very reassuring. I don't think Mum would altogether appreciate it.

BARBARA Probably not. _(After short pause.)_ Eureka!

ANNE What is it?

BARBARA I've just thought of how to finish that third presentation I was worried about.

ANNE Then get it down before you forget.

BARBARA Yes, I'd better.

She opens and starts her computer, waits for the opening sequence to finish, then selects her program and starts to type.

ANNE Fancy a coffee?

BARBARA That'd be nice \- thanks.

Exit Anne. Barbara continues to type, with occasional pauses for thought, amendments to work already done, etc. Anne returns with two cups of coffee, handing one to Barbara. Suddenly she sneezes, and slops her own drink, splashing her suit. She fumbles in her bag for a tissue to mop up the mess.

ANNE Damn!

BARBARA Will it stain?

ANNE I'm not sure. I'd better see if I can clean it up. What a pest!

BARBARA Well, I hate to say it, but now you see why I don't wear a business suit for travelling.

CURTAIN

**********

Return to Contents

## CRASH

Characters

Julie Late teens, emotionally volatile, rather naïve.

Karen About the same age but calmer and more mature.

Set:  
An ordinary kitchen with a table and two chairs.

Time

The present.

*****

Opening

Julie is asleep, rather dishevelled, at the table. Karen enters very quietly.

KAREN Julie?

JULIE Uh? ( _Struggling awake_ ) Karen! You startled me.

KAREN Sorry. The door was ajar so I just came in.

JULIE Was it? But I'm glad you did. I don't usually nod off like that.

KAREN Well, it was a late night. Though you left before I did. First time I've known you to!

JULIE Yes, I thought I'd told everyone. I had to go to Dad's leaving party.

KAREN Must have been when I was getting a round. Any good?

JULIE Not really my scene. Might have been better if Joe had come with me. But I'd promised - had to show willing.

KAREN From the state you're in this morning, I'd say very willing.

JULIE People kept pressing drinks on me, and I couldn't very well offend them by refusing every time.

KAREN You could have asked for a Coke or something.

JULIE Not when they'd actually thrust a glass into my hand.

KAREN Did Joe say why he wasn't coming?

JULIE No need. He's never got on with Dad. And Dad has no time for him at all - calls him a spoilt brat, a waster.

KAREN To his face?

JULIE No, of course not. But he's never made much effort to be more than barely civil.

KAREN I sometimes think your father is too straightforward for his own good.

JULIE Funny, that's exactly what Mum says.

KAREN What does she think of Joe?

JULIE She rather likes him. He does go out of his way to be specially charming with her.

KAREN Yes, he can turn it on when he wants, can't he? Anyway, what time did you eventually get in?

JULIE Must have been about two. Then I couldn't get to sleep for ages. I can't have had more than a couple of hours before Mum and Dad went out and the door slamming woke me up.

KAREN What time was that?

JULIE About eight. They had to go and make some arrangements about the move.

KAREN How come the door was open, then?

JULIE I had to get in some supplies. And I thought the walk might clear my head a bit. But I must still have been really dopey to leave the door like that. Though I was loaded up a bit when I came in, and then something on the radio drove everything else out of my mind.

KAREN What was that?

JULIE The crash on your street last night.

KAREN Yes, it was bad \- a real mess.

JULIE What actually happened? The report was a bit vague.

KAREN Some maniac jumped the lights - looked as though the cops were after him - when traffic was coming across too fast to avoid him. Then a truck driver tried to dodge the pile-up, skidded and ploughed into the bar over the way.

JULIE Nasty.

KAREN They're still arguing over whether they can pull the wreck out without bringing half the building down. Probably have to prop it up first.

JULIE At least that's only property. The report said dozens of people were hurt, some of them quite badly, and seven or eight killed outright.

KAREN Yes, there was a party just coming out of the bar at the time. You don't win an argument with a thirty-ton truck. And the people in the cars didn't stand a chance.

JULIE That's the third crash at that junction this year. I'm beginning to think Dad's right moving out of the area. You never know who's going to be next.

KAREN That isn't the reason, is it?

JULIE No, not really. He's been after a promotion for years. And there's no chance of getting it here.

KAREN So Joe said. That's why he was planning to leave, too.

JULIE _(affronted)_ He never told me.

KAREN Must have slipped his mind.

JULIE _(getting suspicious)_ You don't let a thing like that just slip your mind. How long have you known?

KAREN About a month, I suppose.

JULIE No one else has mentioned it.

KAREN I think he was hoping to keep it quiet. There were some loose ends that might have been a bit awkward to tie up.

JULIE _(simmering)_ Loose ends, eh? And I suppose I was one of them.

KAREN Now Julie, don't get upset. I'm sure he'd have got round to telling you before he went.

JULIE But he told you a month ago. That seems to say something about his priorities.

KAREN He probably thought he'd told you already.

JULIE Oh, no. You don't get a way with that one. If he'd told me he wouldn't have had any doubt about it. I'd have seen to that.

KAREN For goodness' sake calm down. You're getting a bit illogical.

JULIE _(furious)_ Don't expect me to be logical! Not about a two-timing rat like that. And I thought you were supposed to be my friend!

KAREN Two-timing? Honestly, Julie, it wasn't like that at all. We just had an occasional bit of fun together.

JULIE _(bitterly)_ Yes, I know about his "bits of fun." They're not so funny when the chickens come home to roost. All right for him, I suppose. He can just walk away from his responsibilities.

KAREN Responsibilities?

JULIE _(subdued)_ Yes.

KAREN Oh, so that's it, is it?

JULIE Mum'll be furious. And Dad will hit the roof. He's always going on about teenage promiscuity. As if everyone wasn't doing it these days.

KAREN Well, not everyone. Not by a long chalk.

JULIE _(sarcastic)_ So I suppose you're strictly virginal?

KAREN As it happens, yes.

JULIE And you can afford to sneer at the "fallen woman."

KAREN _(conciliatory)_ Julie, who's sneering? No one talks about fallen women these days. I know as well as you do what the pressures are - inside and out. They're agonising at times.

JULIE But you've resisted.

KAREN Let's say I've been lucky. Opportunity and real inclination never coincided.

JULIE You call that luck?

KAREN On the whole, yes. In my saner moments. Though there's a nagging wonder about what I'm missing.

JULIE A hell of a problem, for a start.

KAREN You wouldn't consider...

JULIE No, I wouldn't. I know Mum and Dad. As it is, they'll explode at first, but they'll soon come round. Do everything they can to help. Not if I got rid of it. "Abortion is murder," and all that. I couldn't do that to them. But I'm certainly going to give Joe a piece of my mind.

KAREN I'm afraid you may have a bit of a problem there.

JULIE Why, he hasn't left town already, has he?

KAREN It's more difficult than that. You may find it hard to take.

JULIE Oh, stop being so mysterious, and come out with it!

KAREN All right. You see, Joe gave me a lift home last night.

JULIE Another of his "bits of fun," I suppose.

KAREN No, it wasn't like that at all. He was actually rather worried about leaving you behind - wondering how you'd take it, saying how much he'd miss you, that he'd be lucky to find anyone half so nice...

JULIE For goodness' sake cut the flannel, and get to the point.

KAREN So perhaps his reactions were a bit slower than they might have been. He couldn't stop in time to avoid the crash. Then two other cars piled in behind, and the skidding truck crushed the lot.

JULIE But the report said that everyone in the cars had been killed.

KAREN That's right. We were. Both of us.

JULIE You mean...?

KAREN I'm afraid I told you a little fib before - wanted to break the news gently. Your door was firmly locked. I came through anyway.

Julie gives a little moan, and subsides into the position in which she was first seen.

KAREN _(tenderly)_ Goodbye, Julie.

Exit silently.

CURTAIN

**********

Return to Contents

## INN MEMORY

Characters

Anne A vigorous, no-nonsense country girl

Beth Her more delicate friend and fellow-student from the city

Set

A hillside overlooking a rural valley

Time

The present

*****

Opening

Anne enters briskly, looks behind, and calls to an unseen companion.

ANNE Come on!

BETH _(Off)_ Give me a chance! I don't spend all the year tramping the mountains like you.

ANNE Call that a mountain? Barely a molehill. But you can take a rest here.

BETH _(Entering wearily and finding a place to sit)_ Phew! Thank goodness!

ANNE There! How's that for a view?

BETH Let me get my breath back before I start admiring the scenery.

ANNE You really ought to take more exercise. Get yourself into condition.

BETH Don't you start. I hear enough of it from Dad.

ANNE Not enough to get you out of the armchair, by the sound of it. The trouble is, you don't appreciate the countryside.

BETH You've seen where I live. Not much countryside there.

ANNE But you're not a million miles from it.

BETH Look, by the time I've got in and finished the chores, there isn't much time for joyrides, let alone serious excursions. If I have half an hour to flop in front of the telly, that's all there is. Now can we change the subject, please?

ANNE All right. Just take a look around. It's a place I love to come to on a fine evening. There's something particular about the light at that time of day - especially when the sun breaks through after a storm.

BETH Now don't wish that on us. _(Startled)_ Good lord!

ANNE What's the matter? You look as though you'd seen a ghost. You'd better stretch out for a while.

BETH Don't fuss. I'll be quite all right in a minute or two.

ANNE Whatever is it?

BETH Just a bit of shock. Something about that valley really hit me.

ANNE What are you talking about?

BETH You didn't bring me here last year, did you?

ANNE No. I was going to, but you had to rush off when your mother was taken ill.

BETH But I had an extraordinary feeling of knowing the place, and being somehow threatened by it.

ANNE Well, I can't see anything in the least threatening about it.

BETH _(Pointing)_ That building over there backing on to the hillside – isn't it an inn?

ANNE Yes, as it happens. What of it?

BETH The Travellers' Rest?

ANNE Yes.

BETH Well, there you are, then.

ANNE It's a common enough name - doesn't necessarily signify anything.

BETH Have you been inside?

ANNE Yes, a few times. My grandparents had their ruby wedding party there not so long ago.

BETH As you go in, is the reception desk on the left?

ANNE Yes, but again, there's nothing special about that.

BETH And on the right, a fireplace with a copper hood?

ANNE _(Beginning to show interest)_ Actually I think there is.

BETH And on the mantel a model of a square-rigged ship, about fifteen inches long?

ANNE Er...

BETH And then a corridor through to the back of the building, with an unmarked door at the end, and the dining room and what not off to the right? And that door opening on to a flight of stairs?

ANNE I don't know about the stairs. But you certainly turn right into the public rooms.

BETH I seem to remember that the stairs led to a tunnel into the hill.

ANNE Remember? You mean you've been there some time?

BETH It seems so. But I can't think how or when it could have been.

ANNE Well, if you knew about the tunnel, your uneasiness might have been just a touch of claustrophobia.

BETH I don't get that. And in any case, if you didn't bring me here, how could I have known about it?

ANNE Description in a travel book?

BETH Not very likely. I'd never heard of this area before I met you. And the memory's visual.

ANNE Then you must have dreamed it.

BETH Do you know, I think that may be it.

ANNE Oh?

BETH Yes. Remember the end of last year, when I'd been ill and was so worried about the exams?

ANNE I'm not likely to forget it. You were getting so depressed you had me really worried. And that was when Freda started talking about suicide.

BETH Just talk – and people who talk about it never do it, or so Dad says.

ANNE She didn't come back the next term.

BETH No, but that was because during the vacation she met some chap rich enough and daft enough to support her in the manner she fancied becoming accustomed to, and she didn't see any point in finishing the course.

ANNE Silly girl!

BETH So I told her, but it didn't do any good. She was always a featherbrain.

ANNE Let's hope her boy friend likes feathers.

BETH He was no better himself, by all accounts. But that's all by the way. That last term, I kept having a recurring nightmare. I was starting a journey from a town I knew well, but under some vague threat, then taking roads that were less and less familiar for hundreds of miles, until I came to a narrow valley bathed in evening sunshine, where I knew I'd been years before. A farmer mowing a hay field; cattle grazing in a meadow; a curl of smoke rising from the farmhouse chimney...

ANNE Doesn't sound like a nightmare. Quite an idyllic scene, in fact.

BETH Yes, but that's what made it all the more terrible. The same sense of danger was getting stronger, but I couldn't put my finger on any particular reason. Then I came to that inn – or one that might have been its twin – and the feeling intensified even more. Although everything seemed utterly peaceful, I knew that something horrendous was getting very near and I desperately didn't want to meet it. And the only way to escape it was through that tunnel.

ANNE Brrrr! Scary. What was the something?

BETH I never knew. And no one could tell me where the tunnel led, so I dithered about taking it.

ANNE So what did you do?

BETH Sometimes I'd go into the tunnel, sometimes I'd force myself to face whatever it was that was coming. But usually I woke up about then.

ANNE Are you still having them?

BETH Not so often. But every now and again it comes back, usually after something's reminded me of it. I'll probably have it again tonight.

ANNE I hope you didn't tell your uncle Bill about it.

BETH Why not?

ANNE From my impression of him, he'd be sure to say you should see a shrink about it.

BETH We don't have that sort of money, just to be told I'd been afraid of leaving the womb or something of the sort.

ANNE I suppose not. And Mum says anyone would have to be mad to see a psychiatrist when simply talking to someone with a bit of common sense would do far more good.

BETH Someone like her, you mean?

ANNE Well, perhaps. Actually, it wouldn't do any harm to mention it to her. I remember once...

BETH Yes?

ANNE It was a long time ago and a bit vague now. But for several months I kept having dreams about being in some high place and likely to fall off - a railway bridge with a train coming, or a tower with a crumbling parapet - that kind of thing. Every time I'd half-wake in the middle of it, realise I was having a nightmare, and struggle to get out of it, but invariably I'd drift back in.

BETH Well?

ANNE Mum suggested that during the interlude, I should equip myself with whatever was needed to deal with the dream situation. So the next time I found myself on that bridge, I made sure of having a parachute for the drop.

BETH Lucky you happened to have one handy in the middle of the night.

ANNE Clot! Just mentally, of course.

BETH Did it work?

ANNE Well, I've never had a nightmare since - that, or any other.

BETH What started them off, do you think?

ANNE I dunno. I could have understood it if it had been about ghosts or ghouls or what have you -

BETH Why?

ANNE Well, there'd been a film crew here making some horror movie. They shot part of it in this valley - the peaceful façade of country life, I suppose, with all the sinister stuff going on behind it.

BETH _(Sharply)_ When was that?

ANNE About six or seven years ago, I suppose. Why the sudden interest?

BETH That's it! I saw that film.

ANNE So...?

BETH That inn must have been used for some of the scenes. That's how I knew about it. And why I associated it with the horrors.

ANNE Right. There's only one way to get rid of those.

BETH Oh, what's that?

ANNE A bar lunch there. They do a pretty good one - and as it's for your benefit, you can pay for it! Come on!

Exeunt

CURTAIN

**********

Return to Contents

## GOOD INTENTIONS

Characters

Nick Sardonic and amoral, though not wholly unsympathetic; didactic in manner.

George Genial, personable, well-meaning but weak-willed.

Milly Emotionally volatile and a little scatty; fairly young, preferably pretty.

Mary Sensible, down-to-earth; affectionate without being at all sugary; a strong character on the quiet; similar in age to George.

Vicar An earnest, forthright, organising type.

Joan Fortyish; twittery but with predatory aspirations.

Set

Basically curtains, with entrances DR, UR and UL. A tall stool or (better) a high-backed swivel chair down right is occupied by Nick; other characters may use the rest of the stage, but light spill between the two areas must be as little as possible. In the general area are a settee and one or two tables according to available space. One of the two tables, or a part of the only one, serves as an office desk, with telephone and desk diary, and a suitable chair: the other doubles as breakfast/committee table, with three dining-type chairs.

Time

Late 20th century.

*****

Opening

After the opening speech, Nick is mostly a silent observer, but on stage throughout.

Milly appears only in the first half, Joan and the Vicar only in the second. At a pinch, provided the appearance of very different ages could be maintained, the parts of Milly and Joan might be doubled.

With some obvious exceptions, Nick's remarks are addressed exclusively to the audience, and the other characters are generally unaware of his presence. When not actually speaking, he watches the action, but unless otherwise specified, some light should remain on him.

The curtain opens to reveal Nick's perch lit, the rest dark. Nick enters slowly, absorbed in a newspaper. Still reading, he sits, facing front; reaches the end of a passage, turns a page, and looking up at the next, notices the audience.

NICK Oh, hello, didn't see you out there. Phew, what a day _. (Indicating the paper)_ Usual load of misery here, of course. "Strike threat by 5,000" - "Tension mounts in Middle East" - "Violent crime up 20%" - "Double murder in Belfast" - what's new about that? - "Fire in north-west kills six" - "Thousands starving in Tibesti drought". Dear oh dear, what a mess. Mind you, things are never so bad that well-meaning busybodies can't make them worse. That business in the Middle East, for instance; if Balfour and Kissinger and Lawrence of Arabia had kept their ruddy noses out of it, the Turks and Jews and Arabs could have settled their own differences one way or another, and no one else need have been involved at all. As it is, everyone's got a finger in the pie, and it's all but impossible to sort out.

And then, just think of a place like Tibesti. It's been tottering on for centuries, hardly an economic miracle I grant you, but managing more or less to get by. Then the UN has to stick its oar in, cleans things up here and there, halves the infant mortality and surprise! surprise! the population takes off like a rocket and there's a famine. And as if the do-gooders hadn't done enough damage already, there's a great hoo-ha about how many are dying, everyone scrambles to get food into the country, so the next time the rains fail, it's not just 10,000 but 20,000 people starving. I ask you!

Turning another page.

"Divorces up again." At this rate they'll soon be issuing marriage certificates with tear-off slips to apply for cancellation. "Bishops deplore broken homes." Ha! That'd be a lot more impressive if they'd stuck to what they're supposed to believe about marriage - but no, they had to fiddle the rules to get round one problem, and as usual made another a damn sight worse. In any case, if people can't keep their promises they'd do better to forget about them altogether - it's the shilly-shallying around in between that causes the real trouble. _(Folding the newspaper)_ For instance, take my old friend George Anderson - not his real name, of course - come to think of it, "friend" is probably pitching it a bit high, too - but anyway, take George. Ordinary sort of chap; got quite a good job in the local branch of his firm; married - oh, I forget how many years \- nice woman, intelligent too - actually he's rather fond of her, but - and here's the point - he has an incurably roving eye, and a secretary who doesn't mind its lighting on her. Not a terribly good secretary, as it happens...

Light on Nick dims; fade up on office desk. George enters UR, carrying briefcase.

GEORGE Morning, Milly.

MILLY _(Entering brightly UL)_ Good morning, Mr. Anderson.

GEORGE How's my little ray of sunshine this morning?

MILLY _(Pertly)_ Very well, thank you.

GEORGE Good. You're looking particularly delectable - new hair-do? _(Looks at watch)_ Mm, I'm rather late - got held up in Accounts. What's on the agenda today?

MILLY Er, Special Projects Committee eleven o'clock - the rep from Braithwaites at two - nothing else in particular.

GEORGE That wretched committee! "Nothing in particular" is just about what it's good for \- dither, dither, dither over everything. It's only an excuse to save Hutchins from having to make up his mind. I doubt if we'd have had anything new in the past ten years if Turner and perhaps one or two others hadn't simply gone ahead under their own steam - not that they get any thanks for it, of course - just an occasional rocket for "unauthorised use of resources." Sorry, Milly - I shouldn't bother you with all that - even when it makes me boil. Are those papers ready for the quarterly report?

MILLY Nearly; I'll have them done in about five minutes.

GEORGE Good. Bring them in as soon as you can, will you?

MILLY Yes. Oh, I nearly forgot - Mr. Atkins was trying to get you first thing - will you please ring him back when it's convenient?

GEORGE Knowing him, that means immediately or sooner. I wonder what he wants this time. Will you see if he's available?

Exit Milly. George unloads his briefcase, arranges the desk, and flicks through a few pages of his desk diary. The phone rings.

GEORGE Hello, Jim - I gather you wanted to speak to me... Yes, I know - it's always important... Extra well presented this time, eh? Any particular reason?... Oh, I see. Mind you, with his eye for intrigue, he'd read hidden meanings into the weather forecast... All right, we'll take special care... What's that? First I've heard of it. _(Checking the diary.)_ No, there's nothing in the diary about it: are you sure?... All right, keep your hair on, only asking: but when's it to be?... TONIGHT!!! Hell, that's torn it - what time?... Seven thirty for eight - I see... I suppose so - but it won't go down too well at home... Oh no; she's very understanding, really... _(with mock indignation)_ Jim, what a thoroughly disgraceful suggestion!... Milly? No, of course I don't know: if you'll hang on a minute I'll ask her. Milly!

MILLY _(entering and putting papers on the desk)_ Yes, Mr. Anderson?

GEORGE Mr. Atkins tells me he left a message with you about one of Mr. Penrose's staff get-togethers this evening.

MILLY Oh yes, that was last Wednesday when you were in Wakefield. Didn't I put it in the diary?

GEORGE No, you did not, and you didn't say a dicky-bird about it on Thursday, either. _(Milly looks crestfallen)_ Oh, never mind about that now: the point is, are you going to it?

MILLY Do I have to?

GEORGE It's "purely voluntary," which means that if you're suddenly whipped into hospital with a broken leg, ruptured appendix and Lassa fever, an apology will be accepted. I take it you're going?

MILLY I suppose so.

GEORGE All right, Jim. It's yes for both of us. Good job you checked. You'll be there yourself?... Right, see you tonight; cheerio. _(Replacing the phone)_ Well, Milly, that was a bit embarrassing - never mind, we'll get over it. Better tell Mary, though: will you ring home for me?

Exit Milly: George mutters to himself.

Only hope she's in - now was that coffee morning today or tomorrow? And didn't she have a hair appointment? _(The phone rings.)_ Oh, hello, dear; glad I caught you. Didn't interrupt anything, I hope?... I'm sorry, but something's just come up... Well, in a way. Look, dear, I know it's awkward and I'm dreadfully sorry about it, but I've just been landed with one of Penrose's do's tonight, and there's no way of getting out of it... Yes, he did, last week, but Milly forgot to tell me... Yes, I know, and I'm sorry, but there's nothing I can do about it... Oh, you know, one of those ghastly affairs he holds every year or so - says it's to "boost staff morale and encourage the corporate spirit," but if you ask me it boosts nothing but his own ego... Yes, he insists we all show up... No, there'll be no time to get home beforehand... Oh, about eleven, I should think... Yes, dear. 'Bye.

He replaces the phone and starts to read Milly's papers, at first abstractedly but then with closer attention and mounting agitation, marking corrections as he goes.

GEORGE Milly!

MILLY _(entering)_ Yes, Mr. Anderson?

GEORGE Milly, I realise you didn't know about it, but these papers have to be especially well presented this time - and here are five spelling mistakes on the first page, here three spellings and half a sentence missing, here the second paragraph repeated - and so on. It won't do, Milly.

MILLY I'm sorry, Mr. Anderson.

GEORGE And now I come to think of it, there've been rather a lot of slip-ups lately. Is anything on your mind?

MILLY _(in a voice beginning to break)_ N-no, Mr. Anderson.

GEORGE Well, I'm afraid you'll have to pull your socks up. We must keep up a certain standard - present a good image for the firm, and all that. I'd thought you could manage it, but if you can't... well, we don't want to think about that, do we? Just a minute, _(rummaging in the desk)_ Training sent round a list of courses - I'm sure there was one on "Secretarial Skills." If you like, I could have a word with them...

MILLY _(on the verge of tears)_ Oh _... (grabbing the papers, she rushes out.)_

GEORGE _(subsiding in despair)_ Oh, Lord!

Fade out light on desk; fade up on Nick; exit George.

NICK And that's George all over; tries to do things kindly, even delivering a rocket, but makes it worse than simply putting the boot in. You know which road is paved with good intentions. Now he's worried about upsetting her, and that leads to more trouble.

Fade out completely on Nick; fade up on settee, unoccupied. Muffled noises off from a party a few rooms away. Every so often the sound rises momentarily and fades back, as an intervening door is opened and closed, indicated in the following scene by "sound up."

Sound up. Milly enters hastily, holding an empty glass, glancing over her shoulder. She throws herself miserably on to the settee, sniffing occasionally into a tissue. After a few moments, sound up, George enters by the same route.

GEORGE Ah, there you are, Milly. I wondered where you'd got to.

MILLY Oh, hello. _(Sniffs.)_

George sits beside her, trying ineptly to comfort her, and unconsciously getting into a more and more compromising position.

GEORGE Now, Milly, what's the matter?

MILLY Nothing _. (Sniffs.)_

GEORGE Come off it. You wouldn't dash out of the party like a scalded cat and sit moping by yourself for nothing. Did something happen back there?

MILLY No. _(Sniffs.)_

GEORGE Are you feeling ill?

MILLY No.

GEORGE Well, have you been having trouble with _... (Light dawns.)_ Oh, is it that business this morning _? (Milly nods dejectedly, sniffs.)_ Well, that was unfortunate, but something had to be done about it. And for goodness' sake, don't make such a tragedy of it - everyone makes mistakes from time to time - everyone has runs of mistakes from time to time - I'm sure you'll do better when you've got over this patch...

MILLY I'm doing my best!

During the following dialogue, Nick quietly approaches the other two by a route that allows him to collect, unseen by the audience, a large glass of gin-and-not-much-tonic handed to him from the wing.

GEORGE Yes, yes, I'm sure you are - I didn't mean to suggest you weren't. Maybe the job's simply too much of a strain for you. I know how hard it is to concentrate with the phone ringing all the time and what not - and maybe I'm not the easiest of people to please - I'm sure we could arrange something else for you - I mean, they're always crying out for extra help in the typing pool _\- (Milly bursts into tears)_ \- Now what's the matter?

MILLY _(wailing)_ I can't go back there! That bunch of cats! They said when you took me out of it that I'd be no good as a secretary - that you'd only chosen me because - because -

George, desperately trying to comfort her, by now has one hand holding hers and the other round her shoulder.

NICK Ah, George, there you are - been looking all over for you - _(suddenly registering the situation)_ \- Aye, aye!

GEORGE _(flustered)_ Now don't start jumping to conclusions - I...

NICK _(interrupting)_ George, never explain - it only makes you look guilty. What you get up to is your own business. Anyway, I'm not playing gooseberry; Penrose is asking for you.

GEORGE Damn - what does he want?

NICK No idea - better go and find out.

GEORGE Drat the man. Sorry, Milly; I'll have to go and see what's up. Excuse me.

Exit George - sound up \- Nick looks at Milly, with rough sympathy fills her glass from his own, and toasts her silently. Milly looks doubtfully at her glass.

NICK Oh, it's all right; it's a fresh glass _(indicating his own)_ \- I haven't touched it yet.

He toasts her again. They drink.

MILLY Thanks. I needed that. _(Awkward pause.)_ How's the party going?

NICK More or less as you'd expect. Bill and Stan have had too much: Ted hasn't had enough - he's off on one of his endless stories - ten quid to a brass farthing he'll forget the punch-line as usual. Norman's getting off with one of the juniors - there'll be trouble there one of these days. Everyone else is desperately trying to look cheerful, and wondering how soon they can decently slip away. What good Penrose expects to get out of these binges is beyond me.

MILLY Does he enjoy them?

NICK I shouldn't think so - not his style at all. He tries to play the convivial host, of course, but you can tell it's an act - he looks like a fish out of water, only rather less animated than you usually see on the slab. A quiet evening with his cronies would be much more in his line.

MILLY _(rather surprised)_ Do you know him well?

NICK Not really, but I make a point of noticing people's fancies - you never know when it'll come in useful.

MILLY That doesn't sound very nice.

NICK Oh, nothing discreditable - that's far too dangerous a game. If you want to get up the ladder, you have to bolster the boss's confidence, not undermine it. It's just a matter of special interests - little harmless foibles - the sort of thing you can bring up in conversation, to save him that awful groping around for something to say that's a bit less hackneyed than the weather. If you can do that, he's left with a vague feeling of owing you a favour. And it's often useful as a diversion.

MILLY What do you mean?

NICK Well, suppose you can see the conversation heading in a direction you particularly want to avoid - like the football match that just happened to be on the last time you took sick leave - then if you can bring up something else that the other chap's bound to find more interesting, you may be able to get off the hook. Doesn't work if he's really determined to nail you, of course, but it's surprising how often you can head him off from thinking about it. For instance, take the time I was up for interview _._ _(Perching on an arm of the settee)_ Smithers was the man I had to impress, and just then he had a bee in his bonnet about quality control - one of my blind spots. But I'd found out he was mad about musical history, so I worked in a bit from the Sunday paper about how Beethoven produced his best work when he couldn't hear a note of it. By the time we emerged from that little digression, Smithers had to dash off to another meeting, and everyone else was only too glad to wrap up the proceedings. _(Wryly)_ The only trouble was, to keep in his good books, I had to mug up about all sorts of obscure composers who'd bore the pants off me if ever I had to listen to any of their stuff. Cost me nine quid for the Oxford Companion, but it paid off.

MILLY And would that work with Mr. Penrose?

NICK Not music: he's tone deaf - he'd probably think the last trump was in a pack of cards. His passion is bridge, and that's one subject I refuse to get involved in - it takes people over too completely.

MILLY What about Mr. Anderson?

NICK George? Difficult \- a lot of general interests, but nothing very deep - nothing you can get your teeth into. Though I must say you seemed to be getting on pretty well just now without any help from me.

MILLY Not really. It was a bit grim this morning... He was trying to help in his own way, I suppose, but... Oh, I don't want to talk about it.

Sound up; George returns.

NICK Suit yourself. _(Noticing George)_ Ah...

GEORGE That's that settled, mercifully. Sorry I had to shoot off before. And thanks for looking after Milly - I was a bit worried about her.

NICK You're welcome. She's a better audience than I'd find out there. But I'd better get back before Ted notices I've missed half his story and insists on going through the whole blasted rigmarole again. Good luck!

Nick returns to his place, pausing on the way to look back and discreetly hand his glass into the wing.

GEORGE _(looking after Nick; under his breath)_ Luck? What the devil...? _(Aloud)_ Feeling better? You're certainly looking a bit perkier.

MILLY Yes, thank you. He's quite a character, isn't he?

GEORGE Nick? Yes, I suppose he is; though I've never been quite sure what sort of character. _(Decisively)_ Look, Milly, I don't think this party's doing you any good, and I've had more than enough of it. Let me take you home.

MILLY But what if Mr. Penrose wants you again?

GEORGE He won't. Come on - did you have a coat?

MILLY Oh, I only live in Pemberton Street - honestly, I'll be quite all right by myself.

GEORGE No, Milly, after an upset like this, I'd never forgive myself if I didn't see you safely home. Come on.

They leave, with George's arm round Milly's waist, and a smile struggling across her face.

Fade out on acting area; fade up on Nick.

NICK And you can imagine what happens at Pemberton Street. All right, don't get excited - I said you could imagine it! So, next morning, George is feeling rather guilty, and needs to work it off somehow.

The light on Nick dims; fade up on the breakfast table. Mary enters with coffee etc. on a tray, and sets them out on the table: calls.

MARY Ready, darling!

GEORGE _(Entering while putting on his jacket.)_ Spot-on timing as usual, dear.

MARY Practice.

Both sit and start breakfast.

GEORGE One of these days I'll break a shoe-lace, and then where will you be?

MARY Finding you a new one, I expect. I don't suppose for a moment that you know where they are.

GEORGE Top drawer, left hand side at the back.

MARY Well, well, well! How's that for efficiency!

GEORGE Actually, I came across them just now while I was looking for something else.

MARY What was that?

GEORGE A piece of paper I put down somewhere last night.

MARY What sort of paper?

GEORGE Oh, just an odd scrap with an address on it.

MARY On the back of something marked "Strictly Confidential"?

GEORGE Could be - I don't remember. Why, have you seen it?

MARY On the landing this morning - I wondered where it had come from. It's on the hall table now.

GEORGE Thanks, dear. I promised to take something from the office to one of the girls who's sick. Oh, that reminds me - I may be a bit late again tonight.

MARY Again? Really, George - that's the third time this week. What's going on?

GEORGE Quarterly report. Old Penrose wants a particularly impressive one this time. Apparently he's afraid of cuts in the budget and wants to show that things are really buzzing around here. And it has to be done by the weekend.

MARY Is this going to happen every quarter?

GEORGE Probably not, but it all depends on a new accountant they've got up at Head Office. Very keen - he thinks we can save ten percent of turnover just like that. Ten percent off everything, of course, regardless of whether there's really any slack or it's already been cut to the bone.

MARY Well, don't burst a blood vessel over it - you may be only ten percent of the management here, but you're all the husband I've got.

GEORGE Sorry, dear - I shouldn't bother you with these things. Hm, I was saying the same thing to Milly only the other day.

MARY Were you, indeed? By the way, don't forget the Vicar's meeting, will you?

GEORGE What meeting?

MARY Surely I told you? Oh no, I was just going to when Mother rang, and it went clean out of my head. Anyway, the Vicar asked if you could come to a special meeting tonight, and I promised you would.

GEORGE _(groaning)_ Oh, hell! It's been the same ever since the marriage feast of Cana - women volunteering their menfolk for jobs they don't want to do.

MARY _(humouring him)_ And this time, just to give you an extra challenge, there isn't even the water provided to turn into wine.

GEORGE Eh?

MARY I gather it's about the drought in Tibesti. The Vicar wants to see what we can do about it.

GEORGE He isn't planning to repeat the feeding of the five thousand, is he?

MARY Not by himself. He's asking everyone he thinks may help.

GEORGE Such as?

MARY Herbert Foster, for one.

GEORGE Well, we'll be off to a good start if he's providing the fish - to judge by his stories, at any rate! Who else?

MARY I forget. Oh, Joan Barnsworth.

GEORGE That featherbrain? Why, I doubt if she knows what continent Tibesti's in!

MARY Now don't be catty, George: it doesn't suit you. Joan's geography is just as good as mine. And for heaven's sake, everyone knows where Tibesti is - between India and China, more or less.

GEORGE _(patiently)_ No, dear - that's Tibet. And as you say, Joan's geography is just as good as yours. Still, we don't need a navigator, and she does mean well, I suppose. _(Sighing)_ What time is this world-shaking conference starting? And where?

MARY Eight o'clock at the vicarage. The Vicar really wanted it at seven, but I had an idea you might be late, so I persuaded him to put it back a bit.

GEORGE Oh well, better show willing. Can you make it a quick dinner? Hey, look at the time \- I'll have to dash! _(With a quick peck that turns into a longer squeeze)_ See you tonight - 'bye, darling.

Exit.

MARY 'Bye!

She clears away breakfast things to the kitchen. Lights dim briefly to indicate a change of scene.

The Vicar ushers in George and Joan.

VICAR I've called this meeting to see what we as a parish can do about the situation in Tibesti. Unfortunately, everyone else seems to be tied up with one thing or another - I never realised how many things were going on of an evening here - but you know how it is: if we wait until everyone can come, we'll never do anything. _(By now, all are seated.)_ Now, to business. I suppose you've both seen the news? Yes, of course you have, but I'll just read out this piece that particularly caught my attention - when I can find it - ah, here it is. "Thousands are starving in the northern province, although substantial stocks of relief supplies have reached the capital. The ruggedness of the terrain, the state of the roads and the shortage of suitable vehicles are hampering distribution, and the government has appealed urgently for transport aircraft." There, you see - people dying like flies in one place, the food they need somewhere else, and no way of getting one to the other.

GEORGE You're not suggesting we buy a Hercules, are you?

VICAR No, of course not, but you see what it says about shortage of vehicles - surely we could do something about that?

GEORGE Have you any idea how much a forty-ton truck costs even here?

VICAR Well, I realise that that might be beyond us, but perhaps we could manage something smaller - a Land-Rover, say?

GEORGE Small loads are useless: they clutter up the roads and waste drivers. Anyway, as our funds stand, we'd be lucky to get a wheelbarrow.

VICAR Don't rub it in. I wasn't suggesting a raid on the contingency fund - obviously we'll have to raise money specially for the purpose. _(Wistfully)_ I did think we might be able to point to one particular vehicle and say "We gave that" - pride, of course, and you're quite right to object - let's do our best, and if the worst comes to the worst, we can always make a parish donation to one of the bigger organisations. Anything's better than doing nothing. Now, has either of you any ideas for, er, raising the wind?

JOAN _(after a pause)_ Well, I think we ought to see what we can do with what we have actually in the parish - I don't mean just cash, of course \- but people here do have talent. Perhaps a concert by the church choir...?

GEORGE Somehow I don't quite see that filling Wembley Stadium.

VICAR George!! Do you have to be so negative? Joan has at least made a constructive suggestion, which is more _...(He checks himself.)_

GEORGE All right, all right, I take your point - sorry. Right, church choir concert. What sort of programme were you thinking of?

JOAN Well, I hadn't really thought - hymns and psalms are what they know best, but they'd be out of place - Victorian ballads, perhaps?

GEORGE _(very carefully)_ Mm, a few might do for a start, but they aren't everybody's cup of tea, and I think we ought to vary the programme a bit - something rather livelier - remembering though that the choir isn't exactly up to Mormon Tabernacle standard...

VICAR They do very well, considering.

GEORGE Yes, Vicar, considering. But you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear, and we don't want to make the audience suffer in both - though I suppose we could charge ten bob admission and a pound to get out!

JOAN George, that really isn't fair!

GEORGE Sorry, only joking. Maybe we should get the choirmaster in on this to discuss what they could do that'd be reasonably popular.

VICAR Yes, that does seem a good idea - only proper, really. Oh dear, perhaps we ought to have been taking minutes - Joan, would you mind making some notes? No need to be too formal at this stage. Thank you so much. First action - invite choirmaster to discuss programme of choir concert. Right, we're beginning to get somewhere. Any more ideas?

JOAN _(hesitantly)_ I was thinking - sponsored walks used to raise a lot of money for one thing or another - though they seem to have gone a bit out of fashion...

GEORGE Knowing some of our parishioners, I'd have thought a sponsored pub-crawl more in their line.

VICAR Actually, George, you may have a point there. The Sally Army used to go collecting round the pubs - maybe still do - after all, it's one place where people have obviously got money to throw away.

GEORGE And you could ask people who didn't fancy collecting to sponsor those who did - so much per pub visited - better not make it per pint drunk - or perhaps giving so much per pound collected - up to a limit, of course...

JOAN We'll have to take care not to leave people out - they can get so offended if you do - I mean, for instance, Miss Singleton's always saying she wants things for the Guides to do; should we ask her to organise it?

VICAR Not going into licensed premises - though you're right, we certainly ought to bring them in somehow.

GEORGE _(dreamily)_ Some of the older ones... _(remembering where he is)_ No, that wouldn't do at all.

VICAR What wouldn't?

GEORGE Oh, never mind.

JOAN Come on, George, don't be shy. Do tell us.

VICAR Yes, even a silly idea can sometimes start a useful train of thought.

GEORGE I doubt if this one would.

VICAR Well, we'll never know if you don't tell us what it is.

GEORGE _(embarrassed)_ All right, you asked for it. I was thinking of a sponsored dance of the seven veils - with a special premium on the seventh.

JOAN Well, why not? They'd have a swimsuit or something underneath, wouldn't they?

VICAR I think, Joan, that's hardly what would be in people's minds. And even then it would be an incitement to lust that I couldn't condone, however good the cause. I'm worried enough by the way some of the girls dress normally.

GEORGE Worried on our account or your own?

VICAR Both.

JOAN _(genuinely surprised)_ Really, Vicar? I thought you were immune.

VICAR Ordination may strengthen resistance: it doesn't abolish the instincts. Sorry, George, I shouldn't have pressed you. Any other suggestions?

Deathly silence.

GEORGE My mind's gone blank - it always does when ideas are wanted at a meeting. Perhaps we should go away and think about it. Oh, one thing does occur to me: we'll want a snappy slogan to link whatever activities we dream up and attract attention to them.

VICAR Something like "Food for Tibesti"?

GEORGE Well, possibly on those lines, but you have to be terribly careful in choosing the words. They always seem to get cut down to initials and - without wishing to seem negative - FFT does sound rather like a damp squib. Hah! If you wanted something a bit more explosive, you could try "Tibesti Needs Trucks" - TNT!

NICK _(derisorily)_ How about "Transport wanted in Tibesti"?

JOAN _(eagerly)_ How about "Transport wanted in Tibesti"? T - W - ..I... _(trailing off in confusion)_.

GEORGE Yes, well, you see how careful you have to be. Perhaps that's something else we ought to be thinking about before... _(A telephone rings off.)_

VICAR Excuse me, I'll have to answer that - there's no one else here tonight.

Exit.

GEORGE _(after a short pause)_ Joan, I'm sorry if I seemed to be rather down on your suggestions - I'm a bit edgy today - things on my mind, you know...

JOAN Oh, that's all right - after all, you've had far more experience of organising things than I have - I mean, I haven't had any at all - so of course... Actually, one other thing...

VICAR _(returning hastily)_ Sorry about that - a sick call - old Mrs. Williams, sinking fast it seems - been expecting it long enough, of course - that'll be at least an hour and a half, I'm afraid. Look, there's no need to break up if you've any more to discuss tonight - it's important to keep things moving - just drop the catch on the door as you go, will you?

GEORGE Right-oh. Sorry about Mrs. Williams.

VICAR Well, it comes to us all sooner or later - must dash - thanks for coming.

Exit.

GEORGE Now, where were we? Oh yes, "One other thing," you were saying.

JOAN It just occurred to me - there's a handbell team over in Allersby - they usually get good audiences...

GEORGE It's worth trying. Do you know who their secretary is?

JOAN It's a Mrs. Roberts - I think I've got her address somewhere - in my diary, perhaps - oh bother, I seem to have left it at home. Would you like to come and get it - and maybe a cup of coffee...? You know, I do so admire the way you always come straight to the point - no dithering - I wish I could manage to do that - instead of generally beating about the bush - as often as not someone chips in before I get there - or else I put my foot right in it and have to try and smooth that out - perhaps you could give me some tips on putting things better? - oh, that does seem dreadfully cheeky of me - I hope you don't mind...?

Fade out light on acting area. Joan's voice also fades, while she continues gushing, as though a volume control were gradually turned down to zero. Fade up on Nick. George escorts Joan off.

NICK Poor old George - that one really wasn't fair on him, was it? Now he's blotted his copy-book again - more complications. Even so, things wouldn't be completely disastrous if only he'd keep them to himself: but of course, the trouble with George is that he has a conscience - it's caused more misery to him and everyone around him than all his misdeeds put together. I remember a time he had to go and apologise to his mother-in-law for some trivial slight that she hadn't even noticed; but once he'd pointed it out, the old dragon played it for all it was worth until eventually George exploded and really insulted her. After that, she wouldn't speak to him at all for a couple of years. Mary somehow managed to patch things up between them in the end - she'd had to bear the brunt of it, of course.

Now George is worrying about "deceiving his wife" - and there's a cliché for you if ever there was one. It strikes me that any wife in that position - if she takes any notice at all of her husband, that is - must have a pretty good idea of what's going on, but puts up with it for one reason or another. I can think of three without trying. It's only when she's undeceived that the trouble starts: she can't ignore it any more, her friends and relations insist that she must "protect her own interests," the lawyers have a field-day and it's heigh-ho for the divorce court.

Fade down on Nick: fade up on settee, unoccupied. George and Mary, amid a clatter of crockery, are heard off.

MARY No, I can do it quicker by myself, thank you. You go and finish your crossword.

GEORGE Are you sure?

MARY Yes. _(Teasing)_ You always put things away in the wrong place, or dry something greasy before I've washed it so that I have to get another towel. I'd far rather have you out of the way.

GEORGE All right. Where's the paper?

MARY It was on the fruit bowl an hour ago.

GEORGE Well, it isn't now. What did you...? - oh, it's all right, I've got it. _(Entering with a newspaper and pen, and sitting on the settee)_ Nothing on the box, is there?

MARY Nothing I fancy.

GEORGE _(checking the paper)_ Nor I.

He turns to the crossword, frowning.

MARY How much have you done?

GEORGE About half. But I'm stuck.

MARY Give me a clue.

GEORGE Er... "Cooper going hairless, I say, for revolutionary biscuit."

MARY How many letters?

GEORGE Nine. Blank A blank I blank blank blank D blank.

MARY _(Entering, drying a plate)_ Let me see - I can't do it in my head. Which one is it?

GEORGE Fourteen across. There.

MARY Mmmm... Garibaldi?

GEORGE _(checking)_ It fits, but why? Oh, I see, yes - brilliant.

He fills in "Garibaldi". Exit Mary. George continues, occasionally filling gaps.

MARY _(off)_ I bumped into Joan Barnsworth this morning.

GEORGE _(warily)_ Oh?

MARY She'd just been talking to a niece of hers who works for you - your secretary, in fact.

GEORGE Good lord! I'd no idea Joan was Milly's aunt. They are alike in some ways, I suppose.

MARY _(entering with coffee tray)_ I fancied another coffee, and you never refuse. How are they alike?

GEORGE Well, a general scattiness, for instance.

MARY _(pouring coffee)_ Do you think so? Joan usually seems sensible enough to me - but perhaps you'd call me scatty too. She said that Milly had been bubbling over with excitement - apparently there'd been trouble with her boy-friend for the past few weeks, but they made it up last night - practically an engagement. Anyway, Joan congratulated her, but was baffled when Milly suddenly came out with a cryptic remark about "hoping Mr. Anderson would understand," and then shut up like a clam. _(Passing coffee to George)_ Do you?

GEORGE Do I what?

MARY Understand what Milly meant.

GEORGE _(understanding very well, but not quite ready to discuss it)_ Probably about something that happened the other day. I had to tick her off for absent-mindedness. The boy-friend problem would account for that, I suppose, though she wouldn't admit to anything on her mind when I asked. A bit private, of course.

MARY That sounds like it. I must tell Joan it was nothing for her to worry about: I got the impression she was afraid there might be some dire secret. Though I suppose you may see her first, with being on the Vicar's committee together.

GEORGE Maybe.

MARY She seemed to think the meeting went fairly well.

GEORGE Probably because he had to leave half-way through - called out to Mrs. Williams, you know. _(Filling the last gap in the crossword)_ There - finished!

MARY Well done.

GEORGE It was your Garibaldi that did it. Everything else followed on.

MARY Well done both of us, then. _(Pause)_ Oh, I knew there was something I wanted to do. _(As she goes out)_ Did you say you were reading the lesson tomorrow?

GEORGE Yes.

MARY Better practise your piece, then. What is it?

GEORGE The slip's in the Bible.

MARY So it is. _(Entering with the Bible and a knitting bag)_ Two passages - Psalm 95, verses 1 to 11. _(Finding the place)_ That's the whole psalm. Very rhetorical. _(Declaiming)_ "Harden not your hearts as at Meribah, as you did that day at Massah in the wilderness."

GEORGE I wonder where they were?

MARY Don't ask me. You're the geography expert, remember?

GEORGE Hm. I suppose Meribah must be somewhere around Sinai.

MARY And Massah?

GEORGE _(teasing)_ Ah, Massah...

MARY Yes?

GEORGE Are you sure you want to know?

MARY _(knowing she will regret it)_ Go on.

GEORGE Well... Massah's ... in de cold, cold ground. _(Mary throws a ball of wool at him)_ You did ask. What's the other piece?

MARY One Corinthians six, 12 to 20. _(Searching)_ Romans - Corinthians - chapter six - "The body is not meant for fornication." _(Handing over the Bible and retrieving the wool)_ Try to keep a straight face, won't you?

GEORGE _(startled)_ Eh? Oh, yes.

He reads silently while Mary knits. After a couple of false starts, he plucks up courage to speak.

GEORGE Er, Mary...

MARY _(concentrating on knitting)_ Mm?

GEORGE There's something I ought to tell you.

MARY Oh?

GEORGE Well...

MARY Go on.

GEORGE It isn't very easy.

MARY Not like you to be tongue-tied.

GEORGE This isn't the usual run of chit-chat.

MARY _(with full attention)_ George, you've been behaving a bit oddly ever since Mr. Penrose's party the other day. Did something go wrong then?

GEORGE In a way.

MARY Penrose... Penrose... I get the strangest fantasies about that name. "Henry Penrose sat at his office desk, staring blankly at the wall opposite. His pen rose spontaneously from its rest, performed an impromptu can-can in mid air, and fell back in a puddle of leaking ink. Henry's eyes stayed fixed on the wall, but his hand crept unbidden to the puddle, inked itself, and impressed a column of fingerprints down the right-hand edge of the blotter."

GEORGE _(amused despite himself)_ M. R. James with a dash of Raymond Chandler? It doesn't sound much like our Penrose. His name isn't Henry, either.

MARY What is it?

GEORGE Harvey Oswald, I think, but he keeps pretty quiet about it.

MARY So I should hope. "The Harvey O-pen rose trophy - for three single blooms against suitable foliage." This is getting ridiculous - I don't know where these ideas keep coming from. Perhaps it's that Cosmic Consciousness the Rosicrucians go on about. But it seems a bit trivial for that. Do you think I ought to see a psychiatrist?

GEORGE Not unless you want to keep him in caviare for the next ten years. Now do stop chattering for a minute, there's something I've got to tell you.

MARY Sounds portentous.

GEORGE Well, it is important. And I don't quite know how to start.

MARY I gather it isn't altogether calculated to fill me with the joys of spring?

GEORGE Hardly.

MARY Something unpleasant then. Would it cause me any trouble not to know it?

GEORGE _(surprised)_ Er - none that I can think of, I suppose.

MARY Then why bother telling me?

GEORGE Well - it's just that I don't think there should be any secrets between husband and wife.

MARY Do you tell me about your firm's contracts?

GEORGE No, of course not.

MARY There you are, then.

GEORGE But that's different: it's the firm's confidential business - it doesn't concern you.

MARY Neither does this, by the sound of it.

GEORGE I'd have thought it did - pretty closely.

MARY George, are you trying to work round to saying you want to leave me, or something?

GEORGE _(terrified)_ Good grief, that's the last thing I'd want!

MARY Good. I thought so, but I'm glad to hear you say it. And for all your annoying little ways, I'd be very sorry if you did.

GEORGE But...

MARY Now George, if this is just a case of confession being good for the soul, then go and see the Vicar about it - let him do his proper job for a change. I don't want to know. Look, I'm not blind, and I know you pretty well by now. I know you have an eye for the ladies, and that they often like your attentions; after all, I did myself - I shouldn't have married you otherwise. Yes, and I know that they don't always stop at a casual flirtation: but I know too that you wouldn't really want to hurt me - or anyone else, for that matter. It does hurt, I won't deny it - the first one I found out about made me feel quite ill - but I've come to terms with that: as long as you go on trying your best, I dare say I can put up with the occasional lapse. Only don't try to unload your guilt on to me. Now, can we forget about it and get on to something more agreeable?

Fade up light on Nick, who is disconcerted by the turn of events.

NICK _(hastily)_ Well, that's enough of my little illusion. Oh yes, pure illusion - "We are such stuff as dreams are made on," and all that. A flick of my fingers, and it'll be gone like a dud TV programme. You don't believe me? All right, then...

He snaps his fingers and is instantly blacked out. George and Mary are by now well into a clinch.

NICK Hey! what the hell's going on?

If it can be done gracefully, George picks up Mary and carries her towards the exit; otherwise he gets into a particularly affectionate posture.

MARY _(dreamily)_ Hey! What the hell's going on?

GEORGE As if you didn't know!

BLACKOUT _._

**********

Return to Contents

## DANUBE MOON

Characters

Anne Slim, just old enough to regret that some opportunities in life have passed her by. A tour escort, and a natural organiser; used to dealing with difficult people, and in need of all her patience on this trip.

Beryl Middle-aged, strong-willed, and tipsy; generally querulous, less often pathetically anxious for social contact, but underneath she has a heart of pure arsenic.

Martin The bar steward; about twenty, wearing lightly a superior education; his initial deference, never obsequious, relaxes into a degree of familiarity as the action progresses.

Gerald Stout, about Beryl's age, eminently hen-peckable; a normally capable businessman reduced to desperation by his predicament.

Set

A corner of the saloon on the M.V. "Danube Moon," heading upstream from the Iron Gates. There is a window centre left, another (possibly just off stage) down right, and bench seats around the sides with low tables, at least one of which is close to the window left. A bar extends up centre from centre right, with a clock above the shelves and a telephone; another table is in front of it with a couple of chairs. There is one entrance, up left. Ideally, a pale blue spot is mounted behind the window left, but above the sight line, on a horizontal slide or pivoted arm so as to give when required an effect of moonlight from slowly changing directions as the ship follows a winding channel. Otherwise the lighting on this and the other peripheral tables is subdued; that on the bar and nearer table is brighter.

At first nothing but fog can be seen through the window, but later, when the moonlight breaks through, a vague pattern of trees on the river bank may be visible.

Time

June 1991.

Dress

Anne and Beryl, semi-formal; Martin, white shirt, black bow tie and dark trousers; Gerald, a once-smart casual shirt, tie, jacket and trousers, badly dishevelled.

*****

Opening

Late evening, after eleven. The curtain opens as Anne, with Beryl at the table in front of the bar, is trying to explain the need for a change in the planned itinerary. Beryl is uncooperative, hunched over a glass of brandy - evidently by no means her first. Martin is either out of sight or preoccupied with some routine task. Background music is playing softly - "The Blue Danube" or something of that sort.

ANNE _(approaching the end of her considerable patience)_ Well, I'm very sorry, but there's not a thing we can do about the weather.

BERYL Huh!

ANNE Look, we'd all have preferred to follow the original plan, but the fact is that through nobody's fault we're running late, we can't go any faster just now, and even if we could we shouldn't make up all the lost time.

BERYL But there's no need to waste any more. We keep slowing down for no apparent reason.

ANNE There are very good reasons. Quite apart from the fog - and even if it clears as the forecast says - the channel's tricky here, the river's low, and the ship has to go slowly in shallow water.

BERYL Pull the other one. Go on, tell me why.

ANNE Well ... The engineer did explain, but I couldn't follow it. Something about a venturi effect, whatever that may be. Can't you just accept it as a fact?

BERYL Not on your nelly. When they blind you with science, you can be sure they're trying to hide something.

ANNE _(abandoning the attempt to be reasonable)_ Oh, come off it. No one has anything to gain by making us later still. Whatever the reason, we can't cover the ground any faster. We can't postpone your flight home either, and to be tolerably sure of catching it, we have to sacrifice something.

BERYL And of course it has to be my interests that are sacrificed.

ANNE Now you know it isn't like that. We've already agreed to cut out the tour of Belgrade, that the Williamsons particularly wanted. It would be a crime to skip Budapest, though we're curtailing the programme and disappointing the Hendersons. That leaves just Vienna, and the ship can't wait for even half a day there, let alone the full day we'd intended. So we either cut out the tour of the city - which no one wants to miss - or we let the ship go on while we're sightseeing, then catch up with it by coach at Linz. The road follows the river for most of the way in any case, so you're hardly losing anything. We might be able to pull in a visit to a vineyard as an extra.

BERYL _(aggressively but perceptibly slurred)_ Are you trying to hint at something? Because if you are, say it straight out.

ANNE No, no, I'm merely pointing out one possible compensation. We don't have to do it. Though everyone else is happy enough with the arrangement.

BERYL Maybe they don't mind travelling by coach. I booked this holiday especially to avoid it.

ANNE If it's a matter of travel sickness, I've some pills you can have. They're very good.

BERYL I'm not taking any medication my doctor doesn't know about.

ANNE Well, what else do you suggest?

BERYL I don't know. You're the one who's supposed to make all the arrangements.

ANNE _(exasperated)_ But that's precisely - _(getting a grip on herself)_ \- what I'm trying to do. This is the best I can manage.

BERYL Oh, very well. If that's what everyone else wants I suppose I shall have to put up with it - under protest.

ANNE If it makes you any happier, I'll record your protest. Now, I must call the agent to arrange the details. Drat it, my watch has stopped. What's the time?

BERYL It's a quarter past eleven by the bar clock.

ANNE Heavens, I hadn't realised it was so late. I must rush. He's a bit of a night owl but I mustn't leave it any later. Good night, Mrs. Anstruther. You will excuse me, won't you?

BERYL Go ahead, don't mind me.

Anne is about to say something, thinks better of it, and goes. The background music, having come to the end of one piece, pauses and starts another, equally familiar.

BERYL Oh, for crying out loud! Not that again! Is it the only tape on the ship?

MARTIN _(moving into view)_ I'm sorry, madam, I've only one other and it's jammed.

BERYL Can't you unjam it?

MARTIN I've tried, but I'm not very good at these things. I'll see if the purser has another in the morning; it's too late to disturb him now.

BERYL _(muttering)_ Always the same - never there when you want them. Oh, what the hell. _(Loudly)_ Give me another brandy.

MARTIN Are you sure you really ought to, madam?

BERYL _(flaring up)_ None of your impertinence, young man! Of course I'm sure. What business is it of yours anyway?

MARTIN Captain's instructions - I have to be very careful with anyone who might have had - well - rather more than is good for them.

BERYL Blooming cheek. What does he think this is, a cruise ship or a kindergarten?

MARTIN A ship, madam. And that's why the captain's word is law.

BERYL I've known plenty of petty laws that say you can't do this or you have to do that - but I haven't noticed people taking them very seriously.

MARTIN It's a bit different on a ship.

BERYL How?

MARTIN Well, for a start, on land the village bobby isn't living on the premises. And he isn't held responsible for any accidents.

BERYL What accidents? I'm not driving. And you can't walk under a bus from here.

MARTIN No, but there are other nasty things that can happen.

BERYL I'm not going to fall down the stairs, if that's what you're thinking.

MARTIN There was something worse than that. It happened last year.

BERYL Go on. Don't just leave it hanging in mid-air.

MARTIN I wasn't here then. But apparently there was a twenty-first birthday party that turned rather sour.

BERYL Is that all?

MARTIN No, that was just the occasion of it. The trouble was that the birthday boy had a fair skinful at dinner, and the other lads wouldn't stop buying him drinks afterwards. By the end of the evening he was fairly pie-eyed - "couldn't have told the Mona Lisa from Groucho Marx," was how I heard it. Then for some reason he accused one of his pals of insulting him by not drinking enough, and challenged him - don't ask me the connection - to a race over a dozen lengths of the pool or be called chicken.

BERYL _(disgustedly)_ Typical men.

MARTIN _(ignoring the interruption)_ The friend said he might be a chicken, but at least he didn't imagine he was a duck - or a newt.

BERYL _(amused despite herself)_ Very good.

MARTIN Maybe, though the first fellow didn't appreciate the joke. He squared up for a fight, but his friends kept them apart until he'd quietened down a bit. Then he insisted on going for a swim regardless. Might not have been a bad idea, but he went over the side instead of into the pool.

BERYL Served him damn well right.

MARTIN Maybe, up to a point.

BERYL And a drunken man can't drown, they say.

MARTIN Oh, he didn't drown.

BERYL So that's all right, then.

MARTIN Only there wasn't time to stop the engines before he hit the propeller.

BERYL Ugh!

MARTIN Luckily he only lost a few fingers. But there were all sorts of inquiries and investigations, the owners were sued for negligence - they won, mind you, but the skipper had to miss a cruise to give evidence - and afterwards he swore he wasn't going to take any more chances of bending a prop shaft so far from home.

BERYL Well, his wretched prop shafts are safe enough from me.

MARTIN I'm sure.

BERYL I don't go swimming. And I may have had a few, but I can take it. _(Martin looks dubious.)_ And you needn't look at me like that. I'm perfectly in control of myself. "The Leith polithe dithmisseth uth." No, that's not quite right. But I can walk a straight line all right - watch me!

MARTIN Really, madam, there's no need ...

BERYL No, watch. _(During the following lines she walks with some difficulty a line straighter than might be expected.)_ This fellow who went overboard -

MARTIN Yes?

BERYL He must have been properly pickled to mistake the river for the swimming pool. Why, the pool's right up on the top deck - damn silly place for it, too.

She staggers, recovers herself and tries to disguise her momentary difficulty with a little dance step.

BERYL Look how it makes the ship roll.

MARTIN I see.

Beryl tries a few more dance steps, and ends up some lines later at the window table.

BERYL Do you dance?

MARTIN _(firmly)_ No, madam.

BERYL Now, how about that other brandy, then?

MARTIN All right, I suppose you could have one more.

He pours and brings it to the table.

BERYL _(in a slightly better mood)_ You sound like my father with a box of chocolates.

MARTIN Perhaps I do. Sorry.

BERYL Have you got any children?

MARTIN I'm not married.

BERYL _(bitterly)_ That didn't stop the parents of some people I know.

MARTIN I must remember that one - it's rather good.

BERYL Feel free.

(She takes a seat at the window table and scrawls a signature on the proffered bar chit.

BERYL There - and put one for yourself on it.

MARTIN Thank you, madam. Very kind of you. I could do with a beer.

He goes to the bar for it.

BERYL And come and drink it with me.

MARTIN Sorry, not allowed. I'm not supposed to leave the bar.

BERYL Well, bring me a packet of peanuts or something. And you have to pick up the glasses.

MARTIN _(bringing the peanuts)_ That's not quite the same thing.

BERYL What does it matter? You can sit here and see if anyone comes. Not that it's likely. But if anyone objects, I asked you to explain something to me. _(Looking up at him awkwardly)_ And I object to craning my neck when I'm talking to someone.

MARTIN What did you want explained?

BERYL Well, for a start - oh, do stop hovering and sit down - is it always so blooming miserable on this ship?

MARTIN Miserable?

BERYL Come on, don't pretend it's anything else.

MARTIN _(on the edge of a chair)_ Well ... the weather's been pretty awful, of course ...

BERYL You can say that again. On second thoughts, don't. I've heard practically nothing else all day. Not quite what you expect from the brochure. "See the beauty of the Wachau valley," it says. "The romance of Vienna - the splendour of Budapest. The scars of revolution in Bucharest. The mighty Kalemegdan fortress in Belgrade."

MARTIN Most of those are still to come.

BERYL _(ignoring him)_ "The spectacular Kazan Gorges." And what do we see? Fog. Nothing but fog all day. And before that the scenery was as dull as ditchwater.

MARTIN Do you mean dishwater?

BERYL I mean what I say. _(A gentle bump is heard off)_ What was that?

MARTIN I don't know. A piece of driftwood, perhaps.

BERYL We won't have to take to the lifeboats, will we?

MARTIN I shouldn't think so.

BERYL Just as well, considering the crowd we've got on board. No "women and children first" about that lot. Unmannerly louts. Yes, you may well keep a discreet silence. I tried talking to some of them, but they weren't having any. And I asked one of the crew something, but all I got was "No understand." No more luck with German, either.

MARTIN Most of them are Romanian. You might have done better with French.

BERYL Your English is very good. Almost perfect. Where do you come from?

MARTIN Solihull.

BERYL It doesn't show. What are you doing here?

MARTIN Serving as bar steward.

BERYL Yes, obviously. But why? You seem well educated.

MARTIN Oh, this is just a vacation job.

BERYL You're a student?

MARTIN Yes. Slavonic languages. This seemed a good way of practising them, and earning a bit of cash at the same time. I need to raise the wind - I'm getting married at the end of next term.

BERYL Lucky man!

MARTIN I think so.

BERYL Well, I hope it turns out better than mine. But it's easier for the man.

MARTIN How?

BERYL _(ignoring the question_ ) Oh, mine started off all right - couldn't have been more charming - swept me right off my feet - presents, flowers, concerts, dinners. Even my mother liked him, and she wasn't easy to please. But it wasn't long before things changed. I didn't begrudge him the odd night out with the boys, but then it was a regular night, then two ... or four, or seven ... And he was so cruel - you wouldn't believe it.

MARTIN _(embarrassed)_ I'm sorry.

BERYL I kept his home, I entertained his guests, I put up with his ways, I satisfied all his wants - and he was very demanding at times ... but eventually he went off. A younger woman, of course. Oh, life can be very hard on a devoted wife ...

She subsides into quiet sobs. A scraping sound is heard off; Beryl is briefly aroused.

BERYL What was that?

But she relapses into tears and eventual oblivion.

MARTIN _(going to the window and peering out intently)_ Can't see a thing.

Gerald appears up left, backwards, on his hands and knees. He has been badly knocked about; clothes crumpled and minus several buttons, tie slack and askew, shoes muddy. He looks anxiously from whence he has come, taking no notice of what is behind him until Martin, returning to the bar, trips over his feet.

GERALD Aagh! _(Rising, flustered)_ Oh, terribly sorry, old boy. I didn't see you.

MARTIN My fault, sir, I wasn't looking either. Not down there. Can I help you?

GERALD _(lighting up at the sight of the bar)_ Heavens, I could do with a drink - what currency do you take? I've only got Yugoslav dinars.

MARTIN If you don't know the system ... You just sign a chit with your cabin number.

GERALD Oh. That's awkward ...

MARTIN I've a pen here, if you need it.

GERALD No, it's not that. You see, I don't have a cabin.

MARTIN _(puzzled)_ Oh?

GERALD I'm not supposed to be here at all.

MARTIN Where should you be, then?

GERALD Good question. I'm not sure I can give a good answer.

MARTIN I'm sorry?

GERALD Well, I was crossing the river, when the fog rolled in. Then my engine cut out. Water in the fuel, or something. While I was concentrating on trying to get it started again, all of sudden the bows came out of the fog and ran me down. Stove in the boat. It only just stayed afloat long enough for me to scramble aboard.

MARTIN That's terrible! And have none of the officers seen to you?

GERALD No, I just crawled around the deck ...

MARTIN _(lifting the phone)_ Are you hurt? I wondered why you were crawling.

GERALD No, nothing to mention, but ...

MARTIN I'd better get someone right away, though. An accident like this has to be reported -

GERALD No, for goodness' sake don't do anything of the sort. I don't want any fuss.

MARTIN But your boat - if we weren't keeping a proper lookout you could claim compensation. Though the skipper won't thank me for saying so.

GERALD No, no, no, you don't understand. I wasn't supposed to be on the river at all. Oh, for pity's sake let me buy a drink.

MARTIN _(putting the phone down)_ Can't take dinars, I'm afraid, sir.

GERALD Oh, hell.

MARTIN I tell you what, though. Someone bought a bottle of the local hooch and didn't care for it - left it behind in case anyone else did. I put it somewhere under here ... _(Searching behind the bar counter)_ Ah, here it is. Would that be any good?

GERALD A life-saver! Er - would you care to join me?

MARTIN Not quite my taste, sir. And I already have a beer.

He hands over the bottle and a glass. Gerald nods understanding, and absently sits at the table with Beryl, peering out of the window. Anne comes in looking agitated.

ANNE Have you seen ... _(Sharply)_ Oh, there you are. I wondered where you'd got to.

GERALD Who, me?

ANNE Yes, you. What the devil do you think you're doing?

GERALD I beg your pardon, miss?

ANNE Don't come the innocent. What do you mean by skulking round the deck, barging into other people's cabins ...

GERALD Oh, I see. Was it your cabin? I'm terribly sorry, I certainly didn't mean any harm, but you see I had to hide and that was the only open door.

ANNE That dud catch again. I really must get something done about it.

GERALD Thank goodness you hadn't done.

ANNE But what do you mean, you had to hide? This is no time for children's games.

GERALD Oh, this isn't a game. _(To himself)_ Though Kipling had the Great Game, of course - perhaps this could be the Little Game.

ANNE What on earth are you on about?

GERALD I'm sorry, I didn't realise I was speaking aloud. Good lord, what a state I'm in.

ANNE _(melting a little)_ Are you going to tell me or aren't you?

GERALD I suppose I shall have to tell you something. But for goodness' sake don't let it go any further. Not that it can do all that much harm now, I suppose. The whole thing's falling apart.

ANNE You aren't really making very much sense.

GERALD I'm sorry - look, can I say "sorry" once and for all and let it do for everything?

ANNE All right - but get on with it!

GERALD Well, I represent an engineering firm back in England - I should have a card somewhere - _(searching pockets)_ Oh, where did I put them?

ANNE Never mind - just explain yourself!

GERALD Yes, of course \- sorry - oh, I wasn't going to say that again, was I?

ANNE _(exasperated)_ For goodness' sake, don't start apologising for apologising.

GERALD No. Sorry. Right. Well, we'd had business in Yugoslavia in the past, but someone in Belgrade had taken a dislike to us and it dried up a few years back. Then, with the new political situation - the various republics all trying to do their own thing and all that - we felt there could be some juicy contracts going in Croatia if we nipped in smartly, but not if the Serbs got wind of what we were up to. So I was sent more or less under cover to scout out the position.

ANNE How many chapters of this are there before we come to the point?

GERALD Well, to cut a long story short, I seemed to be doing quite well, but the contact I thought was a Croat turned out to be a Montenegrin, and for the present they're in cahoots with the Serbs against the Croats, so he spilled the beans to the Central Government - or what's left of it.

ANNE So what? Nothing illegal in touting for legitimate business.

GERALD No, and they don't worry too much about a lot that isn't particularly legitimate. But you know how touchy they are at the moment about relations between the republics. I was hauled up to Belgrade, and charged with conspiring to supply arms to the secessionists.

ANNE Oh, I see. Nasty.

GERALD Very. It looked as though I was in for a pretty rough time. But for some reason they decided to cart me off to Smederevo, then on the way the car was smashed up in an accident and I managed to get away in the confusion. I headed eastwards and was trying to cross over into Romania ...

ANNE Why Romania, of all places? I've known plenty of people try to get out of there; never in.

GERALD At the moment, anywhere would be healthier for me than Yugoslavia. And Romania's closest. Anyway, I was trying to cross the river when my boat was run down - and here I am. _(Struck by a thought)_ I say, I lost my bearings while I was fiddling with the motor - are you going downstream, or up?

ANNE Up.

GERALD I was afraid so.

ANNE Why?

GERALD _(gloomily)_ I thought my luck was too good to be true when I found that boat ready to go. If the captain finds out I'm on board before we're through Yugoslavia he's bound to hand me over to the authorities. I was trying to keep out of sight until I could find out how the land lay.

ANNE Well, it's the most original story I've heard yet from a man creeping into a woman's bedroom.

GERALD Oh, lord, you didn't think -

ANNE _(drily)_ Hope springs eternal, you know.

GERALD I say, I didn't mean - no, I'd better shut up before I dig myself in any deeper.

ANNE Quite. But most would-be Romeos don't go around backwards on their hands and knees. It isn't the most dignified approach - and certainly not the most romantic.

GERALD Romance wasn't much on my mind. I simply didn't want to get caught.

ANNE Well, now, for some reason I'm inclined to believe you. I must be going soft in the head, but let's see what we can do. Steward!

MARTIN Yes, miss?

ANNE How much of all that did you hear?

MARTIN Nothing at all. And if the gentleman has his reasons for avoiding the authorities ashore, I don't really see that they have very much to do with me.

ANNE I won't insult you by offering a bribe ...

MARTIN A pity.

ANNE ... but I'm sure he'll have some way of expressing his gratitude.

GERALD Oh, yes, of course. But why are you ...

ANNE Let's say I'm sick to death of simple uneventful tours, with nothing but disagreeable passengers and hotel mix-ups to break the monotony, and I fancied a bit of adventure for a change. As simple as that.

GERALD Whatever the reason, it's very good of you. And I appreciate it.

ANNE Good. By the way, it's usual for the ship's crew to be given a tip before we leave it. _(Fishing an envelope out of her bag and stuffing some notes into it. To Martin)_ We look like being a bit rushed at the end, so here's yours now.

MARTIN Thank you very much.

ANNE And you haven't seen a thing.

MARTIN Exactly.

BERYL _(beginning to revive)_ So cruel, he was. Haven't seen who? Or should it be whom? _(Registering Gerald's presence with a start.)_ Good grief!

GERALD Eh?

BERYL I've never had hallucinations before. How much have I been drinking?

GERALD What? Oh, lord! Beryl, of all people! I knew my luck had run out, but I didn't know it was that bad.

BERYL _(with an unsuccessful attempt to stand up)_ I'm not going to stand around \- sit around - and let a figment of my imagination insult me. You can get back wherever you came from. Do you hear me?

GERALD That's one thing I most definitely can't do - more's the pity.

BERYL What the devil do you think you're doing anyway?

GERALD Oh, it's too long to explain again.

ANNE Am I to understand that you know this lady?

BERYL So you can see him too? That's a relief.

GERALD _(with a hollow laugh)_ Know her? I should think I do. Considering I was married to her for eight years ...

ANNE Well, Mr. Anstruther ...

GERALD Eh? _(looking around nervously)_ Don't tell me he's here as well!

ANNE _(confused)_ Oh, I'm sorry - I thought - since you were married to Mrs. Anstruther -

GERALD No, my name's Lomax - Gerald Lomax, if you'll pardon a rather belated introduction.

ANNE _(shaking hands and gripping a little too long)_ Anne Reynolds - how do you do?

Beryl dozes off, but occasionally rouses herself to make snide remarks that are ignored by the others.

GERALD Not too well, I'm afraid. The idea of bumping into Nigel Anstruther, after the things I said when he ran off with Beryl, didn't do me any good at all. Wish I hadn't said them now. After all, he probably did me a good turn. Though it looks as though she's had a pretty rough time of it, too.

ANNE Well, divorce can be a nasty business - I believe.

GERALD I made it as easy as I could for her. After all, I had loved her - still did, somehow, for all her tantrums and bullying - but she didn't thank me for it. Quite the opposite. I suppose it was still a pretty awful ordeal.

The bar telephone rings; Martin answers it.

MARTIN Saloon ... Yes, sir, she's here. Miss Reynolds!

ANNE Yes?

MARTIN The captain would like a word with you -

ANNE Oh, right.

She rises as though to take the phone.

MARTIN - privately.

BERYL Aren't you the lucky one!

ANNE _(surprised)_ Oh. Does he say what about?

MARTIN No, he just asks you to go and see him.

ANNE Very odd. _(To Gerald)_ Excuse me - I must go. _(Quietly)_ Look, you'd better keep out of sight as much as possible. My cabin doesn't lock \- as you know - so hide in there when you've finished your drink.

BERYL _(scandalised)_ How many do you want?

GERALD Very kind of you.

ANNE Don't mention it \- _(pointedly)_ to anyone. _(Exit)_

MARTIN _(to the phone)_ She's on the way, sir. _(Replacing it; to Gerald)_ Er - Mr. Lomax ...

GERALD Yes?

MARTIN I hope you won't take offence ...

GERALD I'm too tired to do anything of the sort. Why?

MARTIN _(embarrassed)_ It's just that with your being short of currency - well, this tip that Miss Reynolds has just given me - it's really on your behalf - would it be any use to you?

GERALD Well ... I don't like to ... but it most certainly would. That's extraordinarily decent of you. Thank you very much indeed.

MARTIN There you are, then, and welcome.

GERALD But I must insist on paying you back when I get a chance; how should I do it?

MARTIN Hm - probably the best thing would be to send it to my brother. He's finishing his first year at college, and I know he's short of funds just now. I'll give you his address and claim it off him later. _(He writes on a bar chit and hands it over.)_

GERALD Right. I'll do that as soon as I get back - if I get back.

MARTIN Oh, I dare say you will.

A patch of moonlight appears through the window, left; it slowly shifts about as the ship turns with the channel.

MARTIN Hello, it looks as though we're out of the fog.

GERALD _(crossing to look out of the window)_ Pity it didn't lift an hour earlier. Where are we?

MARTIN _(joining him and peering out)_ Can't really tell. But we must be pretty close to the end of the Romanian stretch.

GERALD Do we touch anywhere on it?

MARTIN Only once, to drop the pilot.

GERALD Any chance of getting ashore without being noticed, do you think?

MARTIN Might be just possible, I suppose. Though they tend to keep a fairly close watch.

GERALD I'd rather not be found until the boat's clear. Too many complications all round. Perhaps I could swim for it ...

MARTIN I don't recommend it.

GERALD I'm quite a good swimmer - though I'd have to scrounge a plastic bag for my clothes. Perhaps a towel, too. I don't really fancy wandering around sopping wet.

MARTIN It isn't a matter of how well you swim. There's a three or four knot current, and some nasty reed beds on that side.

GERALD Oh. Could be tricky.

MARTIN And unnecessary when you have a hiding-place on board. If you stayed out of sight until we got into Hungary ...

GERALD How long does that take?

MARTIN About a day. We usually stop for a while in Belgrade, but we're running late and I gather we're cutting that short, or missing it altogether.

GERALD Still too long. I don't like imposing ... If I were found, it would look very bad for Miss Reynolds - or worse if it's Mrs. Reynolds.

MARTIN Even these days?

GERALD Even so. Maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned about these things. Particularly with Beryl here.

The patch of moonlight has now shifted to fall on her. Gerald moves as though to stroke her hair.

GERALD I must say, she looks pretty pathetic now. I can't help thinking of our honeymoon. We were on a train - couldn't afford sleepers - she dozed off in her seat, with the moon falling on her just like that ...

Anne returns briskly. Gerald jerks out of his reverie.

GERALD That was quick. What was it about? Oh, sorry, I'm forgetting my manners - I really shouldn't ask.

ANNE Actually, it does concern you. It's a message to pass on to my party in the morning. I think you should hear it.

GERALD Oh?

ANNE There's been a call from the local Yugoslav police chief.

GERALD Oh, lord!

ANNE No, don't get alarmed. If anything, it helps.

GERALD How's that?

ANNE It's a bit complicated. It seems that on the one hand he's a cousin of the captain's wife, and on the other he owes a favour to someone in Zagreb who'd be embarrassed by what might come out if a certain escaped prisoner were caught.

GERALD Meaning me?

ANNE Presumably. But that's just background information to a rather odd request. The message is that if anyone catches a glimpse of what looks like a stranger on board, the captain would take it kindly if they didn't investigate too closely.

GERALD So he knows I'm here.

ANNE Officially, he doesn't know any such thing. And doesn't want to.

GERALD That's a relief.

ANNE Yes, but look, there's no need for any such message to my party. If they did happen to see someone unfamiliar, they'd simply take him for one of the crew.

GERALD So what's he getting at?

ANNE I take it the message is intended for me personally - and indirectly for you.

GERALD Why?

ANNE He's no fool, and the ship's crew aren't blind. He knows that you're on the run. Let's suppose - as is very likely - he knows that we bumped a boat in the fog, and that afterwards there were muddy footprints coming from nowhere on his nice clean lower deck. Not to mention a suspicious figure lurking around my cabin. He can put two and two together as well as the next man. But don't go yelling "four" as though you were on the fairway at St. Andrews.

GERALD Eh?

ANNE Keep out of the way as much as possible - don't force him to recognise that you're on board.

GERALD Oh, no, I see - of course not. I was hoping to slip ashore when we drop the pilot.

ANNE Risky. The quay's fairly well lit, and with bright moonlight as well ... The Romanians are particularly hot on entry formalities, too. Goodness knows why, but they are. You'd much better stay aboard till we get into Hungary.

GERALD That's what our friend here said. But I don't like it.

ANNE There's a spare bunk in my cabin that you can use at night. The chambermaid doesn't come round until about eight, and before then you can go on deck, mix with the passengers and look as though you belong.

GERALD _(looking dubiously at his scruffy clothes)_ In this rig-out?

ANNE Well - I've a track-suit bottom you might get into - and a T-shirt ...

Gerald looks at her, and himself. The disparity is obvious and there is no need for words.

MARTIN We're slowing down. _(Peering out right)_ Must be coming in to Moldova Veche.

GERALD _(suddenly animated)_ Moldova Veche? Is that where we drop the pilot?

MARTIN Yes.

GERALD I know the agricultural boss there - once wangled him half a dozen tractors he wouldn't have got otherwise.

ANNE Oh?

GERALD He swore he'd do anything in return. Now if I can get to him ...

MARTIN Yes, but how to do it?

GERALD It should be easy once I get ashore. That's the tricky part.

ANNE Obviously. What we need is a diversion. Any ideas?

GERALD No. _(Pausing for thought, with a depressing lack of result)_ Anything I can think of would draw attention I don't want. Ah well, it was a good idea while it lasted.

ANNE _(rather pleased)_ Tell you what, have a decent brandy instead of that rot-gut. A night-cap. Steward! Two cognacs, please.

MARTIN Very good, miss.

GERALD Very kind of you. Thanks. But you must let me make up to you for what you gave the steward. _(Turning to him)_ What's your name, by the way?

MARTIN Martin, sir. Martin Cooper. But of course you've got the surname already.

He brings the cognacs.

GERALD Of course. _(To Anne)_ Will a cheque do?

ANNE Certainly - if you insist.

GERALD _(writing it)_ Must pay my debts. As I certainly shall to you, Martin, when I get the chance.

MARTIN All contributions gratefully received. But make sure my brother knows what it's for!

GERALD I certainly shall. Cheers, Miss Reynolds.

ANNE Zhiveli! _(giggling slightly)_ If we're going to share a cabin, you can't keep on being so formal. The name's Anne - remember?

BERYL _(waking just in time to make out the last few lines)_ So you're at it again, are you?

GERALD Beryl! It isn't like that at all. Miss Reynolds was merely offering me a hiding place for the night.

BERYL Oh, yes, very convincing, I'm sure.

ANNE It's the truth. _(Insincerely)_ I've no objection if you prefer to do the honours.

GERALD Spare me that!

BERYL You needn't worry. I've paid for my single cabin, and I mean to enjoy it. What you two get up to is no concern of mine.

GERALD No, indeed. Not now.

BERYL _(rising)_ But don't expect me to stay here and watch your billing and cooing.

ANNE Can you manage?

BERYL _(snapping)_ Yes, of course I can manage. I don't need a nursemaid. Especially one with the morals of an alley cat. So I wish you a thoroughly lousy night.

She staggers out.

ANNE I really ought to see she gets back to her cabin all right. If she uses the outside steps they may be slippery from the fog.

She follows Beryl out.

MARTIN I hope she doesn't get in the way when we're mooring.

There is a flurry of engine noise as the screws are reversed, and a few muffled orders; then a slight jolt.

MARTIN _(staggering a little)_ He hit that a bit hard. Not up to his usual standard.

There is a splash and a sudden confusion of voices.

GERALD _(making as though to go out)_ What's happening?

MARTIN You'd better not go out there just now, sir. I'll see what's up.

BERYL _(off)_ Not like that, you fool! You'll ruin my dress. Not like that, I said!

ANNE _(bumping into Martin at the entrance)_ Sorry. It's all right, Gerald. Beryl fell overboard, but they've got her. Or rather, they would have if she didn't keep objecting to the way they're trying to haul her back on board.

MARTIN _(returning)_ Everyone's busy with Mrs. Anstruther. There's your diversion, sir.

GERALD You think there's a chance?

MARTIN Quite a good one, I'd say. It's now or never, anyway.

GERALD Right. Here goes. And thanks for everything - both of you.

He shakes hands with Martin, is about to do so with Anne but drops a kiss on her forehead instead, and exits warily. Anne sits, centre, and stares moodily into space.

ANNE _(wistfully)_ Well, that's that bit of excitement over.

MARTIN _(suddenly realising that Anne is not altogether glad of Gerald's escape)_ Did I do wrong, miss?

ANNE _(doubtfully)_ No ... _(with resolution)_ No, you did exactly right.

She finishes her brandy. The background music reaches the same pause and re-start as at the beginning of the play.

ANNE Oh, for crying out loud! Not that again! Is it the only tape on the ship?

MARTIN I'm sorry, I've only one other at the moment and it's jammed.

ANNE Can't you unjam it?

MARTIN I've tried, but I'm not very good at these things. I'll see if the purser has another in the morning; it's too late to disturb him now.

ANNE _(muttering)_ Oh, what the hell. _(Loudly)_ Give me another brandy.

MARTIN Are you sure you really ought to, miss?

They look at each other during the slow -

CURTAIN

**********

Return to Contents

## WHITEFLY

N.B.  
The play is set in the preparations for an entry in a theatre festival. Apart from the producer Pat (either gender), all characters are identified by their parts in the play under rehearsal. They have not been type-cast, so there is scope for some contrasting characterisation; for instance, Gail, in real life a student, is a less experienced and competent actress than Anne, and much more agreeable.

Characters

Pat The producer of a festival play.

John Thirtyish, single, amiable and rather naive.

Connie Hotel owner; in her mid-fifties, rather absent-minded.

Anne Connie's daughter and business manager; wholesome and intelligent. She and John are on very friendly terms, but both diffident about presuming on them.

Brinsley Owner and technical director of Brinsley Biotechnics. Capable, businesslike and straightforward. Described as "a big chap".

Gail A television journalist, glamorous, ambitious and without scruple.

Two stage hands briefly visible but silent.

The following characters, specified for the festival play, are played by other members of the depleted company. If necessary, Connie could likewise be doubled by Gail, after the appropriate request by Pat.

Bill A colleague of John, older and wiser.

Harry A younger colleague, something of a Lothario.

Mcleod Brinsley's engineering assistant, sound but unimaginative.

Set

A rehearsal room during preparations for an entry in the local drama festival. Part of the stage represents an actual stage; another serves as a waiting area. The décor may be incomplete. Two temporary backgrounds are required; the method suggested is to use translucent panels set up so that when normally front-lit, they appear blank, while back-lighting reveals scenes painted on the reverse, showing respectively a laboratory scene with benches and glove-boxes, and the beach in front of a seaside hotel. However, any other effective way of meeting the same requirement is acceptable. A representation of a car, with practical doors, is in all remaining respects rather crude. Otherwise, set and stage properties may be as near to their intended final state as taste and circumstances suggest. Different locations are indicated by lighting changes.

After Pat's last interjection, the distinction between the rehearsal and the actual performance is progressively blurred. Any light on the waiting area is therefore dimmed out, and the whole emotional tone of the production darkens.

Time

Late 20th century

*****

Opening

The curtain opens on the cast, less Pat, waiting around in attitudes of irritated boredom, studying scripts or chatting inconsequentially, apart from Gail who is busily writing on an A4 pad. One or two may be setting items on the stage. Pat enters hastily, taking off his coat as he comes.

PAT Sorry, folks. Got here as soon as I could.

ANNE And about time too. Where the devil is everyone? We can't wait around all night.

PAT Hadn't you heard? There's a crisis about the Spring production, and they've had to go to a special meeting. Just escaped from it myself.

JOHN Oh, marvellous. The festival's only a week off, and we lose half the cast. Not to mention the time we've been kept waiting.

PAT It's only for the one night.

ANNE It really isn't good enough. We all have other commitments, you know, but we turn up religiously. And then have to hang about for people who don't.

PAT Well, I tried to ring you, but the line was always busy.

GAIL Look, does all this bickering really help? Can't we get on with something useful now we're here?

ANNE All very well for you. You don't have two children and an impatient husband to deal with.

GAIL No, but I'm getting behind with my course work. And I don't have anyone to help with the chores.

ANNE If you suppose ...

PAT Ladies, please! Gail's quite right, we aren't helping matters. And Anne, I understand about your difficulties, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the problems. Now, can we get down to business? Try and do something constructive. OK? _(General murmur of assent.)_ Right. We're minus - let's see - three principal members of the cast. But there's plenty we can do without them, with a bit of doubling up, and I can read in the minor parts where necessary.

ANNE Well, don't blame us if it puts us off our stroke.

PAT All right, I'll make some allowance - but not much. Don't forget, for the actual performance, you'll be playing on an unfamiliar stage, where there's always something that could put you off your stroke - if you let it. So don't let it. And for goodness' sake try to manage without your scripts tonight. As John said, we've only another week, we've got to get the mood right as well as the dialogue, and you can't develop the effect if you're still looking at the text instead of each other. Right. Let's get started. John, I'm not too happy about the opening sequence - remember, keep it light. Just casual banter between friends who are easy enough with each other for some fairly robust chaffing to cause no offence. I know Harry and Bill aren't here, so will Brinsley read in for Bill and I'll do Harry? _(Registering signs of objection)_ Yes, of course we'll have to use the script for that. Thanks. OK? _(Out front, to an invisible lighting technician)_ Lights, please, Tim. Thanks. Right, let's go.

John seats himself at whatever table serves to represent his office desk and busies himself with some paperwork. Bill and Harry saunter across to him.

HARRY Don't stay all night.

JOHN Just finishing off. Otherwise I'll never pick it up when I get back.

BILL Oh, you're off on holiday, aren't you? Where to this time?

JOHN Usual place.

BILL You ought to try somewhere else for a change.

JOHN I'm a creature of habit.

HARRY Do you ever get odd looks, booking in as John Smith?

BILL He might if he took some glamorous bimbo with him.

HARRY How do you know he doesn't?

JOHN _(amused)_ The chance'd be a fine thing!

BILL Well, enjoy yourself, bimbo or no.

JOHN I shall. Cheerio!

HARRY Cheers!

BILL See you.

Harry and Bill depart. John finishes his task, tidies the desk, locks it, picks up his briefcase, sets his chair neatly against the desk, checks the area, and exits.

PAT That's better. Right, we'll move to the hotel. Take it that John's got his meal, his pint and his newspaper and is sitting in the bar. I'll do McLeod this time. Tim, light on John's table, please. That's it.

John sits at the illuminated table and mimes eating, while reading from a newspaper overlapping the table edge. Brinsley and McLeod enter, crossing the lit area, deep in an evidently technical conversation.

BRINSLEY We've got to get that extract fixed before anything else.

McLEOD But the secondary fan should cope, barring accidents.

BRINSLEY No, we're not taking any chances. I've given my word, and I intend to keep it - if only because there's too much risk of being found out if I don't. _(He accidentally knocks John's paper off the table, stops and picks it up.)_ Sorry, that was very clumsy of me.

JOHN Nothing to worry about.

BRINSLEY _(to McLeod)_ How long to fix the primary?

McLEOD Depends whether it's the motor itself or the control gear. We could ...

They pass out of the pool of light. Anne approaches John's table.

ANNE Is everything all right?

JOHN Of course - as always. Care for a drink?

ANNE No, thanks. Too tired.

JOHN Well, sit down for a moment. _(After hesitating a second, she does so.)_ Not like you to admit fatigue. Busy time?

ANNE Actually it's a bit slack this year. Perhaps as well.

JOHN Oh? Why?

ANNE Well, with Daddy's death in January -

JOHN What? I'd no idea. I'm terribly sorry ...

ANNE Yes, it was a blow. No sign of anything wrong, then just went out like a light one day. Heart, of course.

JOHN Well, that's the way to go. Dreadful for you, though.

ANNE Yes, it was a pretty awful shock. Hit Mummy badly.

JOHN Naturally. They always struck me as a fond couple.

ANNE They were. But not just that. You see, Daddy had always looked after the business side of things, and Mummy gets dreadfully flustered over it. In the end I just had to tell her to forget about it and leave everything to me.

JOHN Good job you've your head firmly screwed on.

ANNE It sometimes doesn't feel it.

JOHN Couldn't you get a manager in, or something?

ANNE Can't afford it. Daddy wasn't really all that good at running the show, and we found there were some outstanding bills that he hadn't mentioned - perhaps forgotten himself. We're only just keeping our heads above water. _(Brightening)_ Still, we're not actually going under. And I shouldn't be bothering you with our troubles.

JOHN If an old friend can't share them, who can?

ANNE It's nice of you to take it like that.

John tentatively squeezes her hand. She smiles at him.

JOHN By the way, who are those two that just came in?

ANNE I didn't notice. Which two?

JOHN Over there at the bar. Big chap and a wiry Scot.

ANNE Oh, that'll be Dr. Brinsley and his assistant. Dr. B.'s staying here while his own place is done up. Mr. McLeod's lodging in the village, but often comes in for dinner.

JOHN Brinsley - now where have I come across that name recently? Oh yes, as I passed the Manor, I noticed some building work and a new sign at the gate. Brinsley something or other - I didn't catch the rest.

ANNE Oh, that's rather interesting. It's a biotechnology firm belonging to Dr. B. He's bought the place to convert into laboratories.

JOHN What on earth for?

ANNE Apparently they specialise in pest control, and want somewhere to work up production methods for a new system.

JOHN But why here, of all places?

ANNE The council wanted to get some light industry down here, and went out of their way to be helpful over things like planning permission. And rumour has it that Dr. Brinsley likes sea fishing.

JOHN What's that got to do with it?

ANNE Well, Ron Jenkins \- no, it's just gossip. Rather scandalous gossip, too.

JOHN You intrigue me.

ANNE Just a bit of local politics. Better forget I mentioned it. Look, I really am whacked; will you please excuse me?

JOHN Of course. Selfish of me to keep you.

ANNE Not at all. Good night.

Exit Anne. The light on John fades and he moves to the waiting area.

PAT Right, that's fine. You've got that suggestion of not-quite-intimacy very well. Now, lighting change for next morning, please, Tim.

John is seated in the lounge with a coffee and the day's newspaper. Anne enters briskly with a vase of flowers which she arranges on a side table.

ANNE Good morning, Mr. Smith. Did you have a good night?

JOHN Yes, thanks. Slept like a log - more tired than I realised after the journey. How are you now?

ANNE Oh, fine, thanks. I was just exhausted last night for some reason. Possibly with poring over some papers I have to take to the accountant this morning. Oh, damn!

JOHN What's the matter?

ANNE Just remembered - I forgot to tax the car. And the police are having a purge at the moment. I'll have to catch the bus.

JOHN Where to?

ANNE Taunton. I can get the tax disc while I'm at it.

JOHN Can I run you over there? I'm going that way.

ANNE You're not just saying that?

JOHN "Just" or not, I'm saying it. And I mean it.

ANNE I don't like imposing ...

JOHN No imposition. I'll be glad of the company.

Connie, Anne's mother, enters rather vaguely carrying a music record, but becomes more purposeful on seeing John.

CONNIE Oh, good morning, Mr. Smith. I'm sorry I wasn't around to greet you yesterday.

JOHN Good morning, Mrs. Anderson. Don't worry, Anne did the honours perfectly well.

CONNIE I'm so glad. Anne, did you say you were going into Taunton this morning?

ANNE Yes, Mr. Smith has very kindly offered me a lift.

CONNIE But why ...?

ANNE The tax disc. I forgot to renew it. Remember?

CONNIE Oh yes. You really shouldn't put yourself out, Mr. Smith.

JOHN I've already explained that I'm going that way in any case.

ANNE Will you excuse me while I get the papers? Er - when were you planning to leave?

JOHN When it suits you.

ANNE Ten minutes?

JOHN Fine.

Exit Anne.

CONNIE It's very good of you to take Anne into town. _(Accusingly)_ You weren't really planning to go there today, were you?

JOHN _(amused)_ You wouldn't call a guest a liar, would you?

CONNIE _(relaxing)_ No, of course not. But thanks, anyway.

JOHN It's a pleasure. Anne's a grand girl.

CONNIE Yes, she is. And I don't know what I'd have done without her since Arthur died.

JOHN Oh, yes. I was shattered to hear about that. It's a bit late to offer condolences, but -

CONNIE Thank you. It comes to us all, of course, but that makes it no less a shock when it does come. And Arthur always looked after the business side of things. I've no head for it at all.

JOHN Anne seems very capable.

CONNIE Yes, she is. But it wears her down, poor girl.

JOHN She was exhausted last night.

CONNIE I'm not surprised. Things have been difficult.

JOHN Oh?

CONNIE Yes. Bookings have been down this year, and we've had to economise on help. If it weren't for the new lot up at the Manor we might have been in real trouble.

JOHN Good customers?

CONNIE Yes. They've brought quite a lot of business. But even that's a bit worrying.

JOHN How?

CONNIE This biotechnology they're on about. I don't know much about it, but it sounds rather alarming. A lot of people are rather scared. _(In broad Mummerset)_ Meddlin' wi' Nature - b'aint right, y'know.

JOHN I can understand that. But one way or another, we've been meddling with Nature since the first man threw a stone at a woolly rhinoceros or whatever.

CONNIE I dare say, but this is different.

JOHN Just what are they doing?

CONNIE I don't really understand it. That's what's worrying people. Perhaps Anne can explain it to you - she did study biology.

JOHN Did she? I didn't know that.

CONNIE Oh, yes, she took a degree in it. Couldn't get a job, though. Luckily for me. _(Anne enters.)_ Oh, Anne, Mr. Smith was asking about the Brinsley firm. It's Greek to me - can you explain it?

ANNE I'll try - as far as I know myself. But I mustn't delay you.

JOHN Tell me on the way, if you like.

ANNE Right. Was there something you wanted, Mum?

CONNIE Er - oh, yes. This record - the label says it's Chausson, but it can't be. It sounds like Stravinsky. Could you take it back and change it for me?

ANNE Right-oh. Anything else?

CONNIE I don't think so, thanks.

ANNE Well, if anything occurs to you after we've gone, write it down. 'Bye.

John escorts Anne to some representation of a car.

JOHN Is it my imagination, or is your mother a bit vaguer than usual?

ANNE I've been wondering that myself. It's difficult to be sure when you're with someone all the time, but I'm afraid you may be right.

JOHN She said something about being worried by this Brinsley fellow's set-up. Well, actually, she tried to make light of it and say it was other people who were bothered, but I got the impression she was none too happy herself.

ANNE You're definitely right there.

JOHN Why?

ANNE Partly, I suppose, because it simply isn't the sort of thing we're used to in these parts.

JOHN And the rest? Connie had something on her mind about "meddling with nature," but couldn't explain what. She thought you would. By the way, I never knew you were a biologist yourself.

ANNE Not the sort of thing to brag about down here. Most of the men still think that woman's place is at the sink - except on a Saturday night - and the women are inclined to agree, at least where other women are concerned.

JOHN But how do you feel yourself about giving up a career?

ANNE Career? What sort of career?

JOHN Well, I'd have thought something scientific -

ANNE Huh! The nearest I was offered was deputy sub-assistant dogsbody in a library - a dreary industrial hole in the midlands. No thank you. I'd rather do something useful in a place I like.

JOHN I see. Well, what about this Brinsley Biotechnics, then? You said something about pest control.

ANNE Oh, yes. I think for a start they're working on aphids - a genetically-engineered microbe of some kind, specially bred to attack the pests and leave everything else alone.

JOHN I'd have thought everyone was in favour of that.

ANNE Yes, but then they ask, if it's been altered once to attack pests, what happens if at alters again and becomes dangerous to humans?

JOHN Could that happen?

ANNE I suppose in theory; I don't know how likely in practice. Not my field - and things have developed enormously since my student days. Anyway, I'm only too glad of the extra business. We'd be in a sorry state without it.

JOHN Talking of business - how long are you likely to be with the accountant?

ANNE Half an hour, perhaps - why?

JOHN I wondered if you'd like to go on somewhere afterwards - have lunch perhaps ...

ANNE It's really very sweet of you, but no, I must get straight back. Mother will be panicking otherwise.

JOHN We could ring and tell her ...

ANNE It isn't just that; there are things to be organised, and she tends either to forget them or get into a flap. Thank you, all the same.

JOHN Another time, then?

ANNE I'll see. If I can.

The lights come off the car; Anne and John emerge from it.

ANNE Pat, we really must do something about that car. It looks like a left-over from some shoddy production of "Toad of Toad Hall." And if I ladder my tights again on the splinters ...

PAT Yes, I take your point. You may be right about where it comes from, too; I'll see Fred about it tomorrow. Now, the pub scene. Brinsley, we'll be Bill and Harry again. Ready, Gail? Gail! Leave that essay, please, you're on in a moment.

GAIL Sorry, Pat. It's due in tomorrow. Just let me finish the sentence -

ANNE Oh, really!

GAIL There.

John and Bill sit at a bar table. Harry and Gail enter and work their way towards the same table.

BILL No bimbo, then?

JOHN Now where would I find one? One that would look twice at me, that is.

HARRY I reckon he's got a bit of fluff set up down there.

JOHN Harry! I didn't see you come in. What's all this then?

HARRY Gail, meet my friends John and Bill. We work together - at least, for the same firm.

BILL Pleased to meet you. What'll you have?

HARRY No, this is on me.

BILL Sure?

HARRY Sure. John, your glass is nearly empty.

JOHN Well, if you insist, I dare say I could use another pint.

BILL Me too.

HARRY So I assumed. Gail?

GAIL G and T, please. Excuse me - back in a moment.

She disappears loo-wards.

HARRY Keep the places.

He heads for the bar.

BILL _(Gazing after Gail)_ Now where did he pick that up, I wonder?

JOHN Bit above his usual class, isn't she?

BILL What is his usual class? Anything from a bar-maid to a company secretary, from what I've seen. So long as it's female and more or less human.

JOHN Did I tell you about the absolute fright I saw him with three weeks ago?

BILL No?

JOHN Hair waist-length, a tangled mess - make-up half an inch thick - plum-coloured tights on legs that looked as though they'd been ten times over-inflated - behind like a cart-horse - dress so short it didn't quite reach the seat when she sat down, at least if she leaned forward -

BILL Sounds ghastly. But she may have had a very sweet nature - you just can't tell from appearances. What was she like to talk to?

JOHN I didn't risk that. Fortunately he didn't spot me. And then he turns up with one that wouldn't disgrace Vogue.

BILL I never knew you read it.

JOHN I've seen the cover on magazine stands. And Gail would fit quite happily.

BILL How does she compare with your holiday piece?

JOHN _(laughing)_ You don't catch me that way!

BILL Come on, you can tell Uncle William.

JOHN Nothing to tell.

BILL "When cautioned, the accused declined to make a statement."

JOHN Some caution!

Harry returns with the beers, deposits them, collects Gail's drink, puts it on the table and seats himself. The other two shuffle round to make room.

HARRY What was that about precautions? Don't worry, I'm well prepared.

BILL You've got a one-track mind.

HARRY I deny it! _(Lifting his glass)_ Who suggested this round?

JOHN Come on, Harry, where did you find her?

HARRY Gail? She's just moved into the flat opposite mine. I gave her a hand with her luggage.

BILL And are now cashing in.

HARRY Strike while the iron is hot, say I.

JOHN But who is she? What's she doing here?

HARRY Well, I don't know all that much about her. But I follow that old children's motto.

BILL Which one?

HARRY It's fun finding out. Meanwhile I'm quite happy admiring her figure.

BILL That, I admit, gives her a ten-mile start on anything else I've seen you with. Far too good for you. It won't last, you know.

HARRY Don't expect it to. "Sufficient unto the day," and all that.

Gail returns to the table and seats herself.

GAIL Is this mine? Thanks.

HARRY The boys were asking what you're doing here.

GAIL Just transferred from Sheffield.

BILL As what?

GAIL Oh, sorry, didn't I explain? I'm a TV reporter.

BILL Don't remember seeing you on the box. And I doubt if I should forget it.

GAIL It was only local stuff. And I don't do the actual presenting. At least, not yet - just ferret out the background. But I live in hope.

JOHN You're not the only one, I gather. Ouch!

HARRY Sorry, did I kick you?

JOHN Yes, you damn well did. Sorry, Gail.

BILL Your own fault. You should be more careful where you're putting your feet.

JOHN What sort of background?

GAIL Oh, just little things. Misleading advertisements. Confidence tricksters and the like.

HARRY Found anything interesting?

GAIL Mildly. More depressing than interesting.

BILL In what way?

GAIL To see how gullible people can be. You'd think they'd smell a rat straight away.

JOHN How do you mean?

GAIL Well, suppose you saw an advertisement that offered a useful income for a few hundred quid invested and a little easy work, wouldn't you be suspicious?

JOHN Suspicious? I wouldn't touch it with a barge-pole.

GAIL Exactly. But it's amazing how many people fall for it.

BILL You'll always find people who believe that the big boys have only got there through luck.

GAIL I don't say that isn't important. I could do with a bit of luck myself.

HARRY Oh, how?

GAIL Just to find some interesting stories.

BILL Don't tell me there's a shortage of con-men here!

GAIL I'd like to get my teeth into something a bit meatier. One of these environmental issues, for instance.

JOHN Ah!

BILL Something in mind, John?

JOHN It's probably nothing.

HARRY What is?

JOHN Something I came across on holiday. A new biotechnology lab.

GAIL What sort?

JOHN I'm not quite sure what's going on there, but the local people are worried. Some of them, at any rate.

BILL Some folks worry about anything. There are always precautions. For a start, that sort of thing would need to satisfy the planning committee, wouldn't it?

JOHN There's a suggestion of a bit of fiddling there.

GAIL _(interested)_ Anything tangible?

JOHN A few curious coincidences -

BILL I'd be damned careful about that. One slip and the libel lawyers will have a field-day.

GAIL Yes, that's something we do have to watch. But the technical characters are easier game.

HARRY How's that?

BILL Out!

HARRY Be serious.

GAIL Well, the dodgy councillors - I presume that's what you're on about?

JOHN Something like that.

GAIL They know they're on thin ice, so they watch their step very carefully. Anything that would stand up against them in court is well hidden. But the technical types, who think everything they do is wonderful, expect only applause. So they're only too glad to give us everything we want.

BILL Sounds a bit unsporting.

GAIL Don't waste your sympathy. There's nothing sporting about the things they get up to.

BILL Isn't that rather a wide generalisation?

GAIL Maybe. A fairly valid one, though. Now, what's this business you were talking about?

JOHN It's called Brinsley Biotechnics -

GAIL Mind if I make a note of this?

JOHN Not at all. It's down near Taunton - I'll give you the address - and it's developing a new strain of bacteria to use in pest control.

GAIL Aha!

JOHN And the locals are worried in case the bugs get loose and prove nasty.

GAIL Sounds just the sort of thing I wanted. Probably worth going down to take a look. Know anywhere reasonably priced to stay near there?

HARRY I thought you were on expenses on these trips.

GAIL So we are. But I'm very new in this post and I don't want to start by getting a reputation as an expenses shark.

JOHN Try the place I stay. It's -

HARRY Hey, look at the time. We'll miss the start if we're not careful.

GAIL Sorry - John, isn't it? Can I get the details another time?

JOHN Of course -

HARRY I'll give you his office number. Come on. Excuse us, chaps.

GAIL Cheers!

JOHN Enjoy yourselves!

HARRY We shall.

Gail and Harry exit. Bill looks after them thoughtfully, John admiringly.

JOHN Some girl!

BILL Mmm.

JOHN What?

BILL That's a very dangerous young woman.

JOHN Dangerous? How?

BILL You're quite friendly with these hotel folk in Somerset, aren't you?

JOHN Yes, I've been staying there for years, but what -

BILL Are you sure they'd welcome a stranger sniffing around their local concerns?

JOHN I imagine so. And they could do with the custom at the hotel.

BILL Will a room occupied for a couple of nights and a few meals really make all that difference to them?

JOHN It'll help. And after all, it'll give them a chance to air their worries.

BILL In front of several million people if the idea comes to anything. And not just their worries - a few other things they'd rather keep to themselves, more than likely. You thought all that out before you started splashing information about?

JOHN Well, not exactly ...

BILL See what I mean? I'm not blaming you. Any normal man likes to make an impression on a pretty girl. And not all pretty girls take advantage of it. But that one will. Now, your round, I think ...

Lighting change. John moves to a telephone and calls Anne.

JOHN Anne - about that Brinsley Biotechnics business.

ANNE Yes?

JOHN Is your mother still worried over it?

ANNE I think so. Why?

JOHN The other day I met a journalist who works on that kind of thing, and would like to see if there's anything interesting in it.

ANNE Interesting? In what way?

JOHN A hidden threat to the public, or malpractice of some kind, that would make a good story.

ANNE I don't like the sound of that.

JOHN Why? Isn't that what Connie's worried about? If there really is malpractice, it ought to be exposed.

ANNE Maybe. But even if there isn't anything worth mentioning - particularly if there isn't anything worth mentioning - this journalist may still blow it up out of all proportion, just for the sake of a story.

JOHN Isn't that rather cynical?

ANNE Don't tell me it never happens. And some of these types - when they get a bee in their bonnet ...

JOHN Well, won't you at least talk to this girl?

ANNE Oh, it's a girl, is it?

JOHN Does that make any difference?

ANNE I don't know. She may be out to prove something, just because she is a woman in a man's world.

JOHN She didn't strike me as that kind.

ANNE Just how well do you know her?

JOHN Hardly at all. I've only met her once. One of my colleagues introduced her.

ANNE So you can't really be sure of anything about her.

JOHN I suppose that's true. But why not meet her and form your own opinion?

ANNE I can't get away from the hotel just like that.

JOHN But she's quite willing to come down, I gather, just on spec. At least you'd have her custom for a night or two.

ANNE Why are you pushing this so hard?

JOHN I'm not - I just thought it would help you, and help her at the same time.

ANNE And which of those is the more important? I'm sorry, I've no right to ask you that.

JOHN Yes, you have. It's a perfectly reasonable question. I'm mostly anxious for you and Connie.

ANNE Well, it's very kind of you ...

JOHN Not at all.

ANNE All right, let her come. Though I don't promise any co-operation until I've formed my own opinion.

JOHN Fair enough. Let me know how it goes.

ANNE I shall. 'Bye.

PAT Good. You got that hint of jealousy just right, Anne. Very nicely done. Now, the laboratory interview. All set, Tim?

Exeunt. Complete lighting change. A translucent panel that had previously appeared blank is back-lit to show the laboratory scene painted on the reverse. Brinsley and Gail enter.

GAIL So the actual work is done in these boxes?

BRINSLEY That's right. The gloves are arranged so that the operator can reach any part without physical contact.

GAIL Isn't that rather awkward?

BRINSLEY A little. But people soon get used to working in them. It isn't really necessary with organisms as harmless as these, of course, but I promised to take every possible precaution, and the facility could be useful if ever we have to deal with anything more dangerous.

GAIL But how can you guarantee that nothing will get out?

BRINSLEY The boxes are always kept slightly below atmospheric pressure - you see how the gloves tend to be sucked in - so that if there is any leak it can only be inwards.

GAIL Fascinating. Well, Dr. Brinsley, you've shown us the mechanics; would you like to tell us something of what is behind the work going on here?

BRINSLEY Certainly. You probably know that with concern about pesticide residues in crops, and the effect on beneficial creatures as well as the pests they are intended to kill, biological control is becoming increasingly important.

GAIL Perhaps you would explain that.

BRINSLEY Well, if you use a poison to wipe out, say, the greenfly on your roses, you're just as likely to kill the ladybirds that would otherwise keep down other people's greenfly. If, on the other hand, you encourage the ladybirds, everyone benefits and there are no residues of poison to harm the bees.

GAIL But you aren't working on ladybirds.

BRINSLEY No, because by the time the ladybirds have caught up, the greenfly have done their damage. In any case, it isn't so much greenfly that we're concerned about. In commercial greenhouses, whitefly are more important. And natural predators have less chance to get at them.

GAIL So what are you planning to feed on those?

BRINSLEY It isn't exactly a matter of eating them. But there's a certain kind of bacterium that infects them.

GAIL I see. Then you're going to breed these bacteria for sale?

BRINSLEY Not exactly. You see, the original bacteria are quite benign; they don't actually do much harm to the fly. We've gone one better than that, and developed a variant that kills them.

GAIL May it then kill other creatures besides whitefly? Other insects, or birds that eat the insects, or even human beings?

BRINSLEY I don't think so.

GAIL Is "not thinking so" really enough? Have you checked?

BRINSLEY Oh yes, we've tested it. And there are good grounds for believing that it can't harm anything but whitefly. In any case, as an added precaution, we've made sure that it can't survive in the natural environment. Not for long, anyway.

GAIL And how long is "long?"

BRINSLEY A few days, perhaps. Certainly no more than a week.

GAIL A lot can happen in a week.

BRINSLEY I wish that were true of the development programme! But to be serious, the bacteria are harmless to anything but the whitefly even if they do get loose - I've already told you that.

GAIL Yes. Would you describe your precautions again, for the viewers?

BRINSLEY Certainly. These bacteria are basically of a kind that are already common in the soil. But they've been modified in two ways. Firstly, they've been infected with a virus that causes them to produce a particular kind of molecule in large quantities. That molecule can enter the cells of the whitefly, bind to a sequence of its genetic material during cell division, and stop it from replicating properly. That means that the cells can't reproduce themselves, the flies are sterile, and once enough cells are affected, the flies themselves can't survive.

GAIL That's how your pest control works.

BRINSLEY Yes.

GAIL But how is that a protection for the public?

BRINSLEY Well, I told you that the special molecule binds to a sequence of the fly's genetic material. That sequence is peculiar to the whitefly - no other creature can be affected. That's the first precaution.

GAIL And the second?

BRINSLEY By a quirk of metabolism, the modified bacteria depend on an unusually high concentration of vanadium. They'll be distributed in a culture laced with vanadyl sulphate - once released, they'll survive for a few days on what they carry with them, but after that, they need fresh supplies. Which they won't find in the normal environment.

GAIL So the bacteria as you supply them will be harmless except to whitefly, and would themselves be doomed outside the greenhouse.

BRINSLEY Exactly.

GAIL But bacteria can mutate, can't they?

BRINSLEY Certainly. But to make them dangerous, they'd need at least two independent and highly specific mutations - one to transform the virus into something nasty, and another to overcome the vanadium dependency. The chances of either happening at all are slim, and for them to happen together - well, it's practically unimaginable. After all, most mutations with any significant effect are lethal.

GAIL Lethal?

BRINSLEY Yes. Any living cell is a very finely balanced mechanism; all sorts of things have to happen in the right way and in the right order. Change one step at random - which is the essence of mutation - and by far the most likely effect is to wreck the whole sequence.

GAIL Then how do people survive when mutations can happen at any time?

BRINSLEY It's only the mutated cell itself that dies. You can afford to lose an awful lot without much harm - scrape your finger, it heals in a matter of days. It's only when a mutated cell doesn't die but turns hostile that there's any ill effect.

GAIL What about radiation sickness?

BRINSLEY That's another matter. It only happens with such massive doses that cells are killed off wholesale, and there aren't enough left to perform their necessary functions. Even then, if the patient survives, the chances are that the remaining cells will be normal and healthy.

GAIL Really? That's fascinating. Well, thank you, Dr. Brinsley, for a very interesting description of your project.

BRINSLEY You're welcome.

GAIL But there's one other thing.

BRINSLEY Oh?

GAIL I'm told you were overheard saying that you'd given your word about something and intended to keep it.

BRINSLEY Well, what's so remarkable about that?

GAIL "If only because there was too much risk of being found out otherwise," or words to that effect.

BRINSLEY Maybe. It's a good, practical reason, isn't it? In any case, honesty is the best policy. I've never been a very convincing liar.

GAIL What did you fear might be found out?

BRINSLEY That I hadn't kept my word, of course.

GAIL Are you sure it was just that? Not that there was some aspect of your operation that you had to keep secret?

BRINSLEY Look, Miss Fletcher, from the very start I've made it absolutely clear that we had nothing to hide.

GAIL Nothing?

BRINSLEY Well, apart from specific details of the process. Naturally there are commercial secrets - that's standard practice. And I shouldn't be discussing those in a public place where they might be overheard.

GAIL So everything that concerns the public is open for examination and discussion?

BRINSLEY Just so.

GAIL I'm sure our viewers will be greatly reassured. Well, thank you again, Dr. Brinsley, and goodbye.

PAT Good, that's coming along nicely. Just one thing, Brinsley - can you show more surprise when Gail brings up the overheard conversation? Take it that the rest of the interview had been planned beforehand with her, but that's something she's sprung on you out of the blue. We don't need to do it again just now, though. On to the beach scene.

The "laboratory" panel fades and another, similarly representing the hotel as seen from the beach, lights up. Gail directs a couple of stage hands setting up "BEACH CLOSED" signs. Anne accosts her.

GAIL Just over there, Bert. Sign in the foreground - deserted beach in middle distance - hotel behind, a little off centre -

ANNE What the devil's going on?

GAIL Oh, hello. Just getting a few background sequences.

ANNE But these signs - why's the beach closed?

GAIL We want a clear shot - not too many people getting in the way.

ANNE Is that all? How did you get the beach closed just for that?

GAIL There was a mine washed up in the West Bay - I borrowed a couple of the signs after it was cleared.

ANNE But surely, that's not allowed?

GAIL Who's to bother about it? Don't worry, we'll return them in half an hour or so.

The stage is darkened and a box representing a television set, back to the audience, lights up. Gail is heard introducing a heavily-edited version of the Brinsley interview (pre-recorded).

GAIL So we go from this once-popular beach to the laboratories of Brinsley Biotechnics to find out just what is happening. Dr. Brinsley is himself our guide and explains the nature of his operations. _(To Brinsley)_ So the actual work is done in these boxes?

BRINSLEY That's right. The gloves are arranged so that the operator can reach any part without physical contact.

GAIL Isn't that rather awkward?

BRINSLEY A little. But people soon get used to working in them.

GAIL But how can you guarantee that nothing will get out?

BRINSLEY The boxes are always kept slightly below atmospheric pressure - you see how the gloves tend to be sucked in - so that if there is any leak it can only be inwards.

GAIL Fascinating. Now perhaps you'd explain why biological control is so important.

BRINSLEY Well, if you use a poison to wipe out, say, the greenfly on your roses, you're just as likely to kill the ladybirds that would otherwise keep down other people's greenfly. In commercial greenhouses, whitefly are more important. And natural predators have less chance to get at them. But there's a certain kind of bacterium that infects them.

GAIL I see. Then you're going to breed these bacteria for sale?

BRINSLEY Not exactly. You see, the original bacteria are quite benign; they don't actually do much harm to the fly. We've gone one better than that, and developed a variant that kills them. Most mutations with any significant effect are lethal. _(End of quotation)_.

GAIL So we have the prospect of bacteria with lethal mutations being produced in large quantities close to this apparently idyllic spot. Is it any wonder that the local people are worried?

Recorded conversation, played in darkness.

MOTHER Are you there, Fred? Did you hear all that?

FATHER All what?

MOTHER About bacteria with lethal mutations being produced near our hotel.

CHILD What are lethal mutations?

MOTHER Changes that will kill you.

FATHER Sounds like a load of nonsense to me.

MOTHER What's nonsense about it?

FATHER Well, you know how these people blow things up - making a mountain out of a molehill.

MOTHER Bloody big molehill!

FATHER I don't suppose there's anything in it at all.

MOTHER Well, maybe not. But I think we should find somewhere else for our holiday, at least this year.

FATHER But we've paid the deposit!

MOTHER What does that matter? It's too big a risk.

Lights come up on Connie, opening a letter, and Anne.

CONNIE Another cancellation. That's fifteen so far, isn't it?

ANNE Sixteen. Just about wipes out our operating profit. Let alone the bank charges.

CONNIE What are we going to do?

ANNE What can we do? We can't compel people to come. And with Brinsley shifting his whole operation to Russia -

CONNIE Yes, why did he do that? My memory's a bit confused.

ANNE Well, with all the stink that lying TV programme kicked up, the council revoked his planning permission. And he's supposed to have decided nowhere else in Britain would be any healthier for him.

CONNIE But if the programme was all lies, couldn't he challenge it?

ANNE I gather he did, but it didn't get him anywhere. He told me they'd very cleverly taken some of his own words and rearranged them to mean the exact opposite of what he actually said, so however he protested afterwards, he was damned out of his own mouth.

CONNIE But they can't do that sort of thing, can they?

ANNE Evidently they can.

CONNIE I mean legally. Couldn't he sue for libel or something?

ANNE Apparently he was going to, but the solicitor told him it was too risky. A jury would never understand the technicalities, and however the case turned out, it would simply give more publicity to the original lie. Remember that front-page headline - "Killer bugs on holiday beach" \- and the retraction in small print buried somewhere inside. Which made the greater impression?

CONNIE I didn't know there'd been a retraction.

ANNE Exactly. Anyway, whatever the ins and outs of it, we've lost Brinsley's custom, and a lot more besides. Which we couldn't afford to lose.

CONNIE Look, all this will blow over - it's bound to.

ANNE Some time, maybe. Not soon. Not this year, even. Meanwhile we have to find the interest on the bank loan.

CONNIE I suppose we could get on to the manager, explain the situation and ask him to - what's the word? - re-schedule the loan.

ANNE It might work. Though it's clutching at a straw.

CONNIE It's worth a try. Will you do it, dear? I really can't face it.

ANNE All right, I'll try. But I'm none too hopeful.

A brief darkening, with a change in positions, indicates the passage of some time.

ANNE No good. All the hotels in the area have been hit. Other businesses, too. The bank decided to cut its losses. No extensions of loans - it was only as a special favour that he didn't call in the capital straight away.

CONNIE But there's no way we can even keep up the payments with all the cancellations we've had. He might just as well have called in the loan. It means bankruptcy anyway.

ANNE I know, but apparently he doesn't have any choice. Specific instructions from Head Office. _(Connie starts with pain)_ What's the matter?

CONNIE I don't feel too well. I think I'll go and lie down for a bit.

ANNE Shall I call the doctor?

CONNIE No, it's probably nothing. Just let me rest a while.

ANNE Are you sure?

CONNIE I'll see how I feel in an hour or so.

ANNE Right. I'll see what I can save from the wreckage.

Anne works through sheaves of paper. She is startled by a sound from off stage, and goes to investigate.

After a lighting change, Anne enters with a letter, which she opens and reads.

JOHN (off stage) Dear Anne, I was more sorry than I can say to hear about your mother's death, on top of all your other troubles. What more can I add? Only that if there's anything I can do, please don't hesitate to ask.

ANNE Do! As if he hadn't done enough damage already! Bringing that blasted woman here ...

She crumples the letter and flings it impatiently into the waste basket, mooches around for a while, then listlessly switches on a radio.

RADIO VOICE ... award for the best documentary goes to Gail Fletcher for her programme, "Germ of an Idea," about the dangers of certain innovations in biotechnology. After the ceremony, Miss Fletcher spoke to our reporter and said ...

Anne listens in astonishment, then angrily switches off the radio.

ANNE Damn the woman! Damn her ... damn her ... damn her ...

She collapses into a chair and bursts into uncontrollable sobbing, which continues as the lighting dims down to a single spot on her, and gradually subsides as this too slowly fades out.

CURTAIN.

**********

Return to Contents

## NEMESIS

Characters

Alan Ineffectual, unambitious and henpecked. His belated access of self-recognition is crucial, not only raising his own moral stature but triggering a gradual realignment of all the characters.

Margaret His mistress, younger, harder, elegant, with a veneer of worldly wisdom. Genuinely fond of Alan, though impatient with his deficiencies, and using him in the hope for a happiness she has never really known since adolescence.

Barbara His wife, an intelligent but frustrated former academic, embittered by the unmerited curtailment of her career; cloaking her resentment and impatience with Alan under a mask of ironic detachment; nevertheless the first to recognise the significance of the crisis and ready to respond.

Set:

The sitting room of Alan and Barbara's flat; a door upstage leads by way of a hall to the unseen entrance door, bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. Furniture includes the usual suite, and a drinks table with gin, whisky, mixers, glasses and a box of tissues. A telephone is beside the settee. A large picture window is probably on the "fourth wall" with a vestigial frame.

Time

The present. A spring evening, though there is not necessarily any indication of season.

*****

Opening

Alan bursts in from the hallway, breathless, dishevelled and shaking. He pauses to steady himself, crosses to the drinks table, pours himself a neat whisky, and takes a gulp from it, half choking himself. He moves to the settee, collapses into it, and wipes his forehead with a handkerchief. Noticing blood on the fabric, he dabs feebly at the scratches responsible. After regaining some composure, he telephones. The ring is quickly answered.

ALAN _(somewhere between triumph and panic)_ Margaret - I've done it. She's dead. _(Squeaks from the receiver)_ Yes, after all our dithering, I've finally done it. ( _More squeaks.)_ All right, my dithering. _(Yet more)_ To be honest, neither did I. No, you come round here - if you don't mind. My nerves are shot.

He finishes his drink, still shaking, notices his state of disarray, and is about to go to the bedroom, then thinks better of it, takes a comb from his pocket and makes a rather futile attempt to tidy his hair, straighten his collar, fasten shirt buttons (finding some missing), and so on. The door bell rings, and Alan admits Margaret. They kiss, he fiercely, she with an element of reserve.

MARGARET My, you are shaking.

ALAN Sorry. I haven't got over the shock. I'm not used to this sort of thing.

MARGARET _(thinking of the embrace)_ You could have fooled me.

ALAN You know what I mean. Violence. Particularly ...

MARGARET What eventually drove you to it?

ALAN It's peculiar, I can't make much sense of what led up to it. All a blur.

They move to the settee.

ALAN We were having an argument, I remember that much. Nothing unusual, of course. She wanted me to apply for a new job. I wasn't keen - Ah, it's coming back a bit - apart from anything else, it would have meant moving and made things a lot more difficult for us, not just popping round the corner. But of course I had to give her other reasons. Then she must have said something extra nasty - one of her bitchy comments - and I suppose I finally saw red. I found myself shaking her, she tried to throw me off, we both fell on the bed, she was cursing me, and mocking at the same time - calling me all sorts of names - I put my hand over her mouth to shut her up, and she bit it - so I shoved a pillow over her face - she struggled - God, I'd never have believed she had such strength - then she was still. No breathing, no pulse. That was it.

MARGARET So she's still in there.

ALAN Well, of course. I was too shaken to move her - just staggered out here and called you. I suppose we'd better do something about it.

MARGARET Understatement of the year. Pity you didn't think of that before.

ALAN I know. But it all happened too quickly.

MARGARET I dunno, we scheme for months, concoct all sorts of ways we might make it look like an accident or suicide, or simply a disappearance, and then you go and blow the whole thing by losing your temper. Why oh why couldn't you have waited and done it with a clear head?

ALAN With a clear head I'd never have done it at all. Not in cold blood. I can see that now.

MARGARET After all our plans?

ALAN Just daydreams, I'm afraid.

MARGARET _(bitterly)_ Yours may have been. Mine weren't. No, I might as well face facts, you probably couldn't have done it. You always were a bit soft that way. I should have realised it was all talk and no action.

ALAN Don't you start. I've had quite enough with her nagging me - "No drive - no guts - how do you think you'll ever get on if you don't assert yourself?"

MARGARET Sorry, dear. It's just that - well, she did have a point. And you have landed us in rather a mess, haven't you? To put it mildly.

ALAN I've landed myself in one. There's no need for you to be involved.

MARGARET If I hadn't come round, there might not have been. But now I'm here, I'm in it. Perhaps not up to the neck, but definitely in it - an accessory after the fact, and probably an accomplice, too.

ALAN I didn't think of that.

MARGARET The old story \- "I didn't think."

ALAN Sorry, darling. God, I feel awful. _(He wipes his brow again.)_

MARGARET So you should, most people would say.

ALAN I meant physically.

MARGARET Huh. I should have realised it wasn't remorse. Have a drink.

ALAN That won't help. I've tried it. And I don't want to ruin what's left of my mental capacity.

MARGARET What you need is not mental capacity, it's a miracle - or a good lawyer.

ALAN But as neither happens to be handy ...

MARGARET I suppose I'll have to do. Now ... Whether you need a drink or not, I certainly do. No, don't get up - you'd probably throw it all over me. I'll help myself.

She is about to pour from the gin bottle, but Alan stops her.

ALAN No, not that ...

MARGARET Why ever not?

ALAN It was her tipple.

MARGARET Well, she's hardly going to need it now, is she?

ALAN No, but ... Well, I just don't like to associate you with her habits.

MARGARET It never bothered you before.

ALAN But now it's after. Things are different.

MARGARET I see. Are there any other pitfalls I ought to know about before I sink irretrievably in your estimation?

ALAN Don't be like that. None that I can think of, anyway.

MARGARET Thank goodness for small mercies. But until you get over that particular little foible, I'll have to change my drinks, at least while I'm with you. What else have you got?

ALAN That's all there is in the way of spirits, I'm afraid. The gin and whisky

MARGARET Not even cooking brandy?

ALAN No, we're out of it. I was going to bring some more, but I forgot.

MARGARET _(with an impatient sigh and an unspoken "Typical!")_ Whisky it'll have to be, then. _(Pouring for herself and tasting it.)_ Ugh! The things I do for love. How you can knock back this stuff ... _(Grimacing, she half finishes the glass)_ Now, where were we?

ALAN Discussing the various deficiencies of my character.

MARGARET Clown! Before that, I meant.

ALAN What to do about Barbara - or what was Barbara.

MARGARET I'd better see what state she's in. Through there, is it?

ALAN Half right across the hall. Are you sure you want to?

MARGARET I'm quite sure I don't want to, but needs must. And assuming that we either have to get rid of the body or find some plausible explanation that doesn't leave us in the soup, you might as well try to think on the possibilities yourself.

She goes to the bedroom. Alan sits dejectedly, mentally going through various options and rejecting each in turn with a shake of the head. Margaret returns.

MARGARET Ugh! There's no chance of passing that off as anything but murder. Or perhaps manslaughter on grounds of provocation. Lots of bruising - a ghastly expression - traces of blood under the fingernails. Oh, and you were right, no breath, no pulse.

ALAN You didn't think I'd make a mistake about that, did you?

MARGARET Knowing you ... It would be a shade embarrassing if she were to walk in on an earnest discussion of how to dispose of her body. Might take a bit of explaining.

ALAN So does the present situation.

MARGARET Don't rub it in. Any ideas?

ALAN None that help much. I don't seem able to concentrate.

MARGARET Well, how about sizing up the position? Let's get a bit of system into it.

Alan starts prowling round the room, ticking off possibilities on his fingers.

ALAN Well, there are two basic options. One, get rid of the body. Two, keep it and fake a burglary or something of the sort.

MARGARET Right, that's a start. If not much of one. For and against?

ALAN Dumped bodies have a nasty habit of turning up again. In any case we'd have to account for her disappearance - or rather, I'd have to account for it. Best if we can keep you out of the business altogether.

MARGARET I don't give much for the chances. But go on.

ALAN Faking a burglary avoids both those problems, but it might not fool the police. And there's always the risk of landing someone innocent with the blame.

MARGARET Does that really bother you?

ALAN Not as much as it ought.

MARGARET Right. But frankly I don't trust you not to give the game away on the burglary, so we'll concentrate for the moment on plan A. How would you get rid of a body without arousing suspicions?

ALAN It's pretty quiet here at night. I could bring the car to the door ...

MARGARET What about neighbours?

ALAN The people downstairs are away for the week. Upstairs, they went out earlier. Looked as though they were going to a party or something.

MARGARET Better wait until they're back, then. Don't want to bump into them on the stair. We'd hear them arrive, I suppose?

ALAN It's usually obvious enough.

MARGARET No chance of their calling in to see Barbara, is there?

ALAN No, they weren't on chatting terms. Civil, but reserved.

MARGARET That's something. Right, supposing the coast's clear and we get her into the car. What then?

No answer. Alan is out of Margaret's sight, swaying a little and looking anxious.

MARGARET I said, what then? _(Turning)_ Are you all right?

ALAN Actually, I do feel rather woozy.

MARGARET Nervous reaction, I suppose. Get your head down; I'll fetch you some water.

She moves to do so. Alan stumbles, falling behind the settee, then slowly emerges and finds his way dazedly to a chair, putting his head between his knees. Margaret returns after a slightly longer delay than might be expected.

MARGARET There.

She perches on the chair arm. Alan drinks the water.

MARGARET Feeling better?

ALAN Still a bit strange. Improving, though. Sorry about that - not the sort of thing I normally do.

MARGARET Neither is murdering your wife - I hope.

ALAN Only on special occasions.

MARGARET That sounds more like your usual self. Sorry I took so long. For some reason I felt rather queer myself - had to sit down for a moment.

ALAN It's been a shock for you too. How are you now?

MARGARET All right, I think. Where were we?

ALAN Trying to think of what to do with the body once we've got it to the car.

MARGARET Any suggestions yet?

ALAN Nothing much. Just for the moment, I can't think of anything better than the river.

MARGARET Go on.

ALAN If you turn off before the bridge, there's a track that runs down under it. Goes to an old anglers' hut.

MARGARET It'd be just our luck to meet someone fishing.

ALAN No, it hasn't been used for years. Just a half-ruined shack. No one would take responsibility for shifting it, that's all. You know, the Chinese parcel approach to local government – passing the buck until the music stops. And it hasn't yet.

MARGARET Smooching couples?

ALAN Better check. Pretending to be that ourselves, perhaps.

MARGARET This is beginning to look faintly workable.

ALAN And I do believe my brain's clearing a bit. So let's see. We wait till it's all quiet here - I bring the car to the front. You come down and look to see if anyone's around, then if there is, pretend to have forgotten something ...

While they are preoccupied, Barbara has entered quietly from the bedroom. Signs of a struggle are still showing. She is at first unnoticed, until she moves to the drinks table and pours a gin and something.

BARBARA Perhaps you have.

ALAN Barbara!

BARBARA Yes, Alan? You seem surprised.

ALAN _(feebly)_ Well ... Yes.

BARBARA And who's this? Obviously someone pretty well at home here. Someone I should know better. Aren't you going to introduce us?

ALAN But I thought ...

BARBARA Yes, dear, you always did think too much. Your substitute for doing, of course. Not that you were much good at either. _(To Margaret.)_ As Alan doesn't seem disposed to play the gentleman, it looks as though we shall have to introduce ourselves. I'm Barbara, as you've no doubt gathered. You, I take it, are Margaret. Oh yes, I've known about your little liaison for some time. But is suited me to do nothing about it - until today.

MARGARET Alan, I don't know what's happened and I'm not staying to find out. This is one you'll have to sort out yourself.

ALAN Margaret - for goodness' sake, don't go now.

MARGARET Sorry, darling, but I'm out of my depth. I might just about cope with a corpse in the bedroom, but a resurrection is beyond me.

BARBARA Completely wrong, dearie. But I dare say you'll find out for yourself.

MARGARET What's that supposed to mean? Oh, never mind. Alan, I'll see you when this is straightened out. Perhaps. If Barbara doesn't object, of course.

BARBARA I doubt if my objections would make much difference. They haven't so far, have they?

Margaret ignores her and moves to the outer door. It fails to open, and she returns.

MARGARET It's locked!

ALAN It can't be. You came in not so long ago, and I haven't been near it since. Unless Barbara ...

BARBARA Not guilty. I haven't touched it. Why should I want to, anyway?

ALAN I don't know. I gave up long ago trying to understand how your mind worked.

BARBARA That, if I may say so, was a great mistake. You might have found it quite instructive. And saved you from cooking up all those silly little subterfuges that you thought I didn't see through. Not that I minded greatly...

MARGARET You didn't? _(She takes up her half-finished whisky)_

BARBARA Of course not. You obviously haven't had time to realise that Alan is rather like French bread - delicious first thing, but by lunch time it's getting stale and in the evening even the birds won't touch it. Only the birds - with one evident exception - generally find Alan quite resistible at any time. So you can hardly be surprised that I had other things to occupy my attention.

MARGARET So you'd have been willing just to let him go?

BARBARA I didn't say that. Very wrong of me, no doubt, but I'm not so charitable - quite vindictive in fact. Aren't I, Alan?

ALAN Well, I have noticed odd occasions ...

BARBARA Only odd occasions? Oh, dear. What a waste of effort. But then you always were unobservant, weren't you?

ALAN I wouldn't say that.

BARBARA No, I don't suppose you would. You'd never have noticed. _(To Margaret)_ Men never are aware of their own limitations, are they?

ALAN Another of your wild generalisations.

BARBARA You may have a point there. However, in the case of this particular specimen ...

ALAN _(indignantly)_ Do you mind?

BARBARA All right, in the case of Alan here, I tested it once. You know how he prides himself on always having a special whisky?

MARGARET I didn't, but what's that got to do with it anyway?

BARBARA More than you think.

MARGARET And what the devil do you mean by that? Do you have to be so damned cryptic?

BARBARA Patience, dearie - all in good time. He always insisted that it had to be from the particular distillery - nothing else would do. Bragged about it to all his friends and insisted they sample it. He isn't mean, I'll grant him that.

ALAN _(ironically)_ Thanks very much.

BARBARA Don't mention it. Gave quite a new meaning to a double-blind test. Anyway, just to try him, I once swapped his prize single malt for a supermarket blend. Different colour, different flavour. Perfectly obvious to me \- though as I was in the know before trying it that probably doesn't count. Did he notice? Did he hell!

ALAN Single malts do vary a bit from year to year.

BARBARA Not that much, or who would bother with them? And I don't suppose for a moment you noticed another difference this evening.

ALAN What was it this time? _(With heavy sarcasm)_ Industrial alcohol or something like that?

BARBARA No, dear, that has no colour at all. Margaret, I see you have whisky as well. Did you spot anything odd?

MARGARET I'm not used to whisky. It seems rather bitter, but I thought that was normal.

BARBARA Yes, I'm afraid I couldn't get hold of a poison that was soluble enough and completely tasteless.

ALAN Poison? You haven't!

BARBARA I most definitely have. Did it never once occur to your tiny mind that I might be just as anxious to be rid of you as you were of me?

ALAN In that case, why can't we come to some arrangement?

MARGARET Alan - for goodness sake! There's no time for that. If we've both been poisoned, we need help. Get a doctor or something. No, get us to the casualty department - it's only half a mile away ...

BARBARA What about the jammed door?

MARGARET There must be some way to open it. Or a window - where's the fire escape?

ALAN The window stuck weeks ago - I meant to have it seen to ...

BARBARA But as usual, never got round to it.

MARGARET We could break it.

ALAN Burglar-proof glass. Seemed a good idea at the time.

MARGARET How about an emetic? Salt solution, that's the thing. Where is it?

BARBARA We're probably out of that, too, apart from what's in the cruet. Too late anyway, dear. It was a fairly quick-acting poison.

MARGARET Then it must have gone off. I did feel a bit peculiar for a while, come to think of it, but it doesn't seem to have done much else.

BARBARA So you haven't noticed either? You do disappoint me.

ALAN What are you driving at? For goodness' sake stop talking in riddles.

BARBARA And spoil my little moment of fun? You really must try not to be so selfish. On second thoughts, it's probably too late for that, too. And I shouldn't expect you to understand. Margaret might have a bit more about her, though. Have you read any Sartre?

MARGARET A few odd pieces, years ago. Why?

BARBARA Did you ever come across "Huis Clos"? Translated as "In Camera?"

ALAN For crying out loud! We've both been poisoned, and you let her rabbit on about some ruddy book!

MARGARET Losing your temper again won't help. If you've got anything helpful to say, Barbara, then for goodness' sake say it.

BARBARA Well, you don't really suppose that I've risen from the dead, do you?

ALAN Of course not. I just mistook your condition, that's all.

BARBARA And Margaret equally mistook it, I suppose?

ALAN Of course. It's happened to other people on occasion.

BARBARA Oh dear, you do make it difficult. Then let me explain: just for once in your ineffectual life, you did a thorough job.

ALAN Oh, hell!

BARBARA Precisely. Well, there is a hypothetical alternative, but in the circumstances I don't think any of us qualifies for it.

MARGARET What the devil are you talking about?

BARBARA Ah, now you're coming to the point.

MARGARET Look, Alan, I don't know just what sort of mess you've got us into, but it's a damn sight weirder than I took it for, and it's up to you to get us out of it.

BARBARA Some hope!

ALAN Barbara!

BARBARA To be fair, Margaret, although Alan may be more than commonly useless, this time you can't really blame him. At least, not beyond getting you into the mess. Nobody could get you out of it.

MARGARET Well, I'm damned if I'm just going to live with it.

BARBARA You can't be damned and live with it. Otherwise you're quite right.

ALAN Eh?

BARBARA You are damned. As we all are. So it follows ...

MARGARET We're already dead?

She stays silent for a while, pondering the implications.

BARBARA At last. The penny's dropped! It took long enough, didn't it?

ALAN Don't be ridiculous. I don't feel any different from usual.

BARBARA As someone said, that's because you were never more than half alive anyway.

ALAN Oh, very funny. But there's a hell of a difference between being even half alive and completely dead. And I don't feel it.

BARBARA Then how did you expect to feel?

ALAN Well ... I never gave it much thought ...

BARBARA Typical!

ALAN ... but I suppose I didn't expect to feel anything - be anything.

BARBARA Always one for wishful thinking.

ALAN But ... poisoning us ... how on earth did you expect to get away with it? And why all that fuss about applying for another job?

BARBARA It occurred to me to give you one last chance - see if you'd make anything of yourself. Otherwise I'd have let your habits take their course, then disposed of the whisky, put the rest of the poison in a half-eaten takeaway. If that failed to convince, I didn't greatly care. I was too desperate. Courts tend to be lenient with cheated wives, anyway.

MARGARET Look, if we're damned, then this is hell ...

BARBARA Of course. "... nor am I out of it."

MARGARET _(missing the allusion)_... but it's nothing like the usual idea - flames \- rivers of fire ...

BARBARA Oh dear. How painfully conventional. That's just one notion - a metaphor, really. Dante had the very depth of hell to be a frozen lake. To be sure, there was plenty of fire higher up.

ALAN _(still sceptical)_ So we're on the mezzanine, I suppose.

BARBARA You've got it all wrong, as usual. Hell isn't a place; it's a state of being.

MARGARET Hey, how come you know so much about it?

BARBARA Because, unlike some people, (a) I've done a bit of reading, and (b) I'm capable sometimes of putting two and two together without making five.

ALAN So you'll be telling us the demons and tormentors are all a misconception as well? We haven't seen much sign of them so far.

BARBARA I didn't say that.

MARGARET Look, Alan, we've got enough problems as it is without your wishing any more on us.

ALAN I just want to know what to expect, that's all. Nothing so unreasonable about that, is there?

MARGARET Always the same - going to meet trouble half way.

ALAN Now that's not fair. I've never ... Oh ...

MARGARET Now what?

ALAN Well, there was the crucial bit of this evening's argument.

MARGARET What's the good of going into that? Oh, what the hell, we may as well have it. Get it off your chest - you never could keep anything to yourself.

ALAN That's it. I couldn't keep up the deception any longer. I had to tell Barbara about us, and ...

MARGARET _(furious)_ You what? After all the trouble we had to keep it secret ...

BARBARA ... or failing to keep it a secret, as it happened ...

ALAN Yes, that's a point. If you knew all about it, why did you cut up so nasty when I told you?

BARBARA It wasn't your telling me, it was the way you went about it. Whining on about "facing the fact that characters change ... not the same as when we married ... dealing with it like civilised people ..." All the old clichés from a third-rate novelette. You made me sick! What it boiled down to was that your bit on the side was getting too demanding, and ...

MARGARET Bit on the side! Too demanding! I'll have you know I loved Alan - though goodness knows why. I wanted to make him happy. That was all I asked. And I could have done, too, if you hadn't been in the way. You were just ...

BARBARA The impediment? The dog in the manger? Or rather the tormentor? That's it, isn't it? There's your answer, Alan. Old Jean-Paul had it all along. "Hell is other people."

ALAN _(sadly)_ No, Barbara, he got it quite wrong.

BARBARA Oh, indeed?

ALAN Hell is not other people. Hell is ourselves.

MARGARET What do you mean?

ALAN Your jibes, and Barbara's contempt, they're a pain, right enough. From people I love - yes, both of you, in different ways, though I didn't realise it - they hurt. Before tonight, I'd have said, like hell. Not true, of course; I could put up with them if I didn't think they were justified. Now I know damn well that they are. And that's infinitely worse.

BARBARA _(impressed)_ That, Alan, is the most profound thought I have ever known you utter. If it weren't too late I might have said there was hope for you yet.

MARGARET Profound my eye! It's a load of codswallop. My problem is that I'm stuck here with you two for - well, I suppose for ever. That bothers me a damn sight more than anything on my conscience, if that's what you call it.

ALAN Only you can tell what's troubling your conscience - or ought to be. We'll just have to differ.

BARBARA Leaving Margaret as the convert to Sartre, and me having doubts. How ironic. After all that, I need another drink. _(She moves to pour one, but catches her finger on the chipped rim of a glass.)_ Oh, damn!

MARGARET Is that the right word - in the circumstances?

BARBARA It'll do. _(She sucks the finger, then wraps a tissue round it.)_ Alan, you really are the limit. I thought you'd got rid of the chipped glass.

ALAN I thought so too \- Oh, no, the telephone rang just at that moment and I forgot.

BARBARA Well don't just stand there - get me a plaster. I don't want blood on the carpet.

ALAN I'd have thought that was the least of our worries.

BARBARA Look, if we've got to live here indefinitely ...

MARGARET Live?

BARBARA All right, if you must be pedantic, reside ... I don't want to have to look at a blood-stained carpet as well as all the other annoyances. There's a box of plasters in the bedroom, Alan. Dressing table, top drawer, left hand side.

Alan dutifully goes. Margaret lifts a glass experimentally.

MARGARET Curious - can you put a plaster on - well, a ghost?

BARBARA Can a ghost drink gin? Can a ghost cut her finger? Can a ghost be held back by a locked door? It looks as though we're stuck with much the same inconveniences as in life. Don't ask me why.

MARGARET Maybe because we have to work out all the things that went wrong before.

BARBARA Interesting idea. That should keep us busy for long enough. But just for the moment I'm more concerned about getting a plaster on this blasted cut. _(Calling)_ Can't you find them?

ALAN Yes. Won't be a moment.

He enters, subdued.

ALAN Where's the damage?

BARBARA Here. _(He applies the plaster)_ What kept you?

ALAN I saw ... what was on the bed.

BARBARA Not a pretty sight, is it?

ALAN The bruising's terrible. I ... I'm sorry.

BARBARA _(staring at him)_ Good God ... I do believe you mean it.

ALAN _(equally surprised)_ I do. It's a bit late, but God help me, I do.

BARBARA Well, if that upsets you, you'd better not look behind the settee.

Inevitably, he does.

BARBARA Shakes you, doesn't it? A genuine out-of-body experience.

Alan, shaken, goes back to his chair.

MARGARET _(also taking a look, then surveying the room)_ But where's mine?

BARBARA In the kitchen. Slumped against the chair - not, I'm afraid, in your customary state of elegance.

MARGARET Then I shan't look. But what are we going to do about them all?

BARBARA Not our problem. Not any more. Almost a relief, isn't it? No more visits to the dentist - to the hairdresser ... Unless they're the kind of things we're stuck with.

MARGARET I rather liked going to the hairdresser.

BARBARA Each to her own. I preferred the library. But then I haven't got - didn't have \- your hair. Never could do anything with mine.

MARGARET Oh, it wasn't just that. I liked the company - there were usually several of the regulars there at the same time. I'll miss them.

BARBARA And I dare say they'll miss you - for a while.

MARGARET _(almost with satisfaction)_ Still, this'll really give them something to talk about, won't it? I mean, a triple murder ...When there's usually nothing more interesting than a break-in at the off-licence.

BARBARA A nine-day wonder, I dare say. I hope no one else gets the blame for it.

MARGARET Could they?

BARBARA It's possible. There haven't been any suspicious characters lurking around lately, have there?

ALAN Not that I know of. In any case, they say that most murders are committed in the family, and with the door locked ... my blood under your finger nails ...

BARBARA As in all the best detective stories.

MARGARET Was that what you got from the library?

BARBARA Eh? Oh, not as a rule. It was usually the reference library.

ALAN Barbara used to be quite a distinguished scholar, you know.

MARGARET Why "used to be"? Oh, of course ...

BARBARA It was long before that. An economy drive - cut-backs in the department. Not one of the sexy subjects.

MARGARET What was the subject?

BARBARA _(wearily)_ What does it matter now?

ALAN Modern literature. Hence the references to Sartre. Never could see much in him myself. But she still hoped to get a paper on the existentialist movement published in one of the journals. How far had you got?

BARBARA To be honest, it wasn't going at all well. I couldn't settle to it. Do you know, I've only just realised, I missed the teaching. Yet I always used to complain when it took time from what I thought was my real work \- funny, isn't it? But there's nothing like a bunch of enquiring youngsters for dusting off the cobwebs.

MARGARET _(Suddenly)_ Could you teach me?

BARBARA Why ...?

MARGARET You see I never had much of a real education. My own fault - I didn't pay attention. Always had other things to think about. Of course I saw the classic serials on TV, but they're gone in a flash. And there must be a lot more in the books - particularly if I could see how they tied in together, and with what else was going on at the time ...

ALAN _(amused)_ Sounds a lot more perceptive than most of your pupils I met. That should keep you pretty busy for a while!

BARBARA Particularly as it's not my period. I shall have to mug it up myself. Oh, damn, I can't get at the books. Apart from those we've got here, of course.

ALAN What are the chances of bumping into the authors, I wonder? I shouldn't mind chatting up Jane Austen myself - particularly if she's anything like Elizabeth Bennet.

BARBARA Trust you! Oh, well, at least she's respectable. But don't forget, we can't get out of here. And we've no reason to expect callers.

ALAN Pity. I rather liked the idea.

BARBARA In any case, given the circumstances, you'd be more likely to meet someone like Machiavelli. Rochester, perhaps, though he's supposed to have repented in later life. Or maybe Byron?

ALAN Byron might be fun. _(Declaiming)_ "But oh! ye lords of ladies intellectual, inform us truly, have they not hen-pecked you all?"

BARBARA I might have expected you to come out with that one.

ALAN Still, going back to the immortal Jane. You could just imagine her and her model for Darcy wandering down by the river there. _(Moving to the window)_ Hello, the sun's coming up. Looks rather fine with the mist rising from the water, doesn't it?

BARBARA _(joining him)_ It certainly does. Oh, look!

ALAN Where?

BARBARA In the backwater. The swans are nesting again.

MARGARET _(rapidly casting off all sophistication)_ Let me see! I used to love them when I was little.

Alan and Barbara give way to her at the window, and point her like a child in the right direction.

BARBARA There - just to the left of the old hut.

MARGARET Oh yes. Look at them chasing off the ducks!

ALAN It's a beautiful morning. I could almost do with taking a walk.

BARBARA And how many years is it since you said that?

ALAN I hate to think. Pity we can't get out.

MARGARET _(whose hand is resting against the window frame)_ Alan ...

ALAN Yes?

MARGARET There's something odd about the window. I can't feel the glass any more. I think perhaps we can get out after all!

BARBARA Careful - don't forget we're on the first floor.

MARGARET No, look, we can step straight out.

She does so. The others follow as convenient, Alan handing Barbara over the sill.

BARBARA How strange. So we can. After all that!

ALAN Well, let's be thankful. Quite a relief. I'd just noticed the seam where I mis-matched the wallpaper - it always annoyed me. I could see it becoming an obsession.

BARBARA Let's take that walk. What do you say - down to the river?

MARGARET Can we go and see the swans?

ALAN Yes, why not?

MARGARET _(impatiently)_ Come on, then!

ALAN You skip along. We'll follow.

Margaret darts off, then pauses to look back at the other two.

BARBARA It's funny, I haven't given it any thought for years, but for some reason, a quotation from Julian of Norwich comes back to me.

ALAN What was it?

BARBARA "All shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well, and you shall see it."

ALAN A comforting notion. You know, it looks as though we could be in for a rather interesting time.

BARBARA _(hooking her arm through his)_ Not time, dear. Eternity.

CURTAIN

**********

Return to Contents

## COINCIDENCE

Characters

Ron About 60; well built, smartly dressed, normally reserved but subject to occasional fits of violent temper.

Arthur Around 30; jovial, waggish, once a junior colleague of Dennis.

Betty Late 20s; Arthur's wife, an occupational nurse in the same firm. On comfortable teasing terms with Dennis.

Dennis 65; newly-retired senior designer in an engineering firm; slight, bespectacled, inoffensive, fastidious, pedantic.

Joan Betty's mother; middle 50s, sprightly, neat and chatty.

Set

A quiet corner in a pub with two tables, bench seats behind them and chairs to the side.

Time

The present

*****

Opening

The play opens with Ron sitting at one table, engrossed in a newspaper crossword, with a plate of sandwiches and a pint of shandy. For some time he takes no notice of the action. Arthur and Betty approach the other table.

ARTHUR Will this do?

BETTY Fine. I'll keep the corner seat for Mother.

ARTHUR Any idea how long she's likely to be?

BETTY None at all. You know what she's like when she gets on the phone.

ARTHUR Only too well! Who was it?

BETTY Sounded like one of her old AA friends.

ARTHUR I thought she'd given that up.

BETTY She hasn't gone to the meetings for years, but a few of them stay in touch.

ARTHUR Helps to avoid backsliding, I suppose. Shall I hang up your coat?

BETTY No thanks, I'll just pop it on Mother's seat for the time being.

Dennis approaches with drinks on a tray with a bowl of peanuts. He distributes them before seating himself.

DENNIS Here we are - G&T for you, the usual for your mother, bitter for Arthur...

ARTHUR Thanks, Dennis. Is that yours? You're skimping yourself a bit, aren't you?

DENNIS I'm driving. In any case, I don't like to overdo things at lunch. I'd be asleep half the afternoon if I did.

BETTY It wouldn't be the first time, I seem to remember.

DENNIS Sh! No telling tales out of school!

BETTY Of course, you were simply gathering your thoughts, weren't you? Or was it resting your strained eyes?

DENNIS Actually I did get quite severe eye strain when we moved to desktop computers, until I realised why and got a pair of middle-distance spectacles.

He takes a seat and relaxes with a sigh.

DENNIS Aaaah!

ARTHUR Worn out?

DENNIS Not really. But that's the first time today I've been able to relax properly. Oh damn, I'd better take the tray back.

ARTHUR Don't move, I'll do it.

He does so.

BETTY Was it such a strain?

DENNIS It was, rather. I'm not one for public appearances.

BETTY Even when that particular public's your friends?

DENNIS In a way, that makes it worse. With people who'd forget all about it in half an hour, it wouldn't matter.

Arthur returns

ARTHUR I've brought the menu in case you'd like to order.

BETTY Better wait for Mother, I suppose.

ARTHUR Nothing to stop us choosing for ourselves, though. _(To Dennis)_ No need to guess what you're having.

DENNIS I don't know. I might risk something a bit more exotic, on a special occasion.

ARTHUR Wow! Make a note for the record, Betty!

DENNIS Actually, I'm feeling rather peckish today. Hence the peanuts.

BETTY So don't wolf them all, Arthur. I know what you're like once you start. Not like you to be admit being hungry at mid-day, Dennis.

DENNIS No, but I didn't feel like having much breakfast. Nerves, you know.

ARTHUR It wasn't that much of an ordeal, was it?

DENNIS More than I expected. They sprang it on me only last night that the Managing Director was coming out from Head Office and would make the presentation. I'd thought it was going to be Simmons.

BETTY Well, when the Senior Designer retires, it is quite an occasion.

DENNIS I don't see why. They've never made much of me before.

BETTY Oooh! How's that for a sting in the tail!

ARTHUR The old grouse, eh? Managers and administrators getting all the limelight, while the people doing anything constructive are ignored.

BETTY Well, it's true enough, isn't it? What was it in the job evaluation - one percent allowed for technical content, ninety-nine for management?

DENNIS So it was rumoured. I did resent it.

ARTHUR But did nothing about it.

DENNIS Actually, I did complain, but it got nowhere.

BETTY You should have pushed it more.

DENNIS It didn't seem worth it. After all, I had an interesting job, and certainly didn't envy all the paperwork that they were having to do.

ARTHUR But you might have envied the salary. Not to mention the perks.

DENNIS No, I had enough. And no particularly expensive tastes.

ARTHUR Sanderson didn't come out specially for your do, did he?

DENNIS No, he wanted to see Simmons about something, and when he realised it was to be an occasion, he had to do the honours.

BETTY Decent of him - or was Simmons just ducking out himself?

DENNIS I doubt it. To be honest, he's always been as fair to me as the rules allowed.

BETTY Anyway, between them they certainly gave you a good send-off, didn't they?

DENNIS Hmm.

ARTHUR You don't sound too pleased about it.

DENNIS It was very generous.

BETTY How diplomatic. Come on, you can't fool us. There's something bothering you about it.

DENNIS Well, yes.

ARTHUR Don't you like your achievements to be recognised when at last someone gets round to it? Though I must say you've kept pretty quiet about them.

BETTY Yes, quite a dark horse you turn out to be. However did you find time for all that? Let alone manage to keep it so well under wraps.

ARTHUR It was certainly news to me.

DENNIS Me too.

ARTHUR Eh?

DENNIS I didn't recognise it either.

BETTY Well, he did seem to be rather - shall we say? Exuberant? - when he got into his stride.

ARTHUR Now who's being diplomatic? He was half sloshed.

DENNIS No wonder at that. I noticed his hip flask was well used.

BETTY Perhaps he gets nervous, too. How much was he exaggerating?

DENNIS It wasn't just exaggeration. I didn't notice at first - too busy thinking about what I was going to say myself. The light wasn't too good and my scribbled notes rather illegible.

ARTHUR Wrong glasses again?

DENNIS Actually, they were for that, so I was struggling. And in any case I wasn't sure that what I'd been planning for weeks would be appropriate in the altered circumstances. But then the guff about "community involvement" and "helping the underdog" started to penetrate and I realised he was going on about things I'd never heard of.

ARTHUR Sounds like one of those nightmares about finding yourself in the midst of a big public occasion you don't understand at all and having to take a main part in it.

DENNIS Yes, that's it exactly. Until right at the end it clicked.

BETTY What clicked?

DENNIS That bit about the Milford Haven job. I remembered getting some misdirected mail about it at the time. It was intended for another Dennis Roberts at Head Office - I'd forgotten about him until that moment.

BETTY Quite a coincidence, having two people of the same name in the same firm.

ARTHUR Well, I've often said that coincidence is the rule of life rather than the exception. I remember once -

BETTY Arthur! You're not going to tell us yet again about the time you were on holiday and found yourself sitting next to the author of the book you were reading?

ARTHUR Sorry, have I bored you with that one?

DENNIS Don't worry, Arthur. You haven't yet got as bad as the chap who told me the same story three times during a ten-minute car journey.

ARTHUR Phew! Thank God for that. But anyway, the point is that Dennis's name isn't all that uncommon; it isn't an incredible coincidence.

DENNIS And when Sanderson had to mug up something about the background at the last minute, the local man would obviously come to mind first.

BETTY Or when he got someone else to do it for him. Probably some junior secretary who'd never think of looking beyond the end of her nose.

DENNIS Well, however it was, it left me in an awkward position. You can't tell the MD he's got it all round his neck in front of a crowd like that, even on your last day. All I could do was thank him for his kindness.

ARTHUR So all that stuff about helping lame dogs over stiles and plucking people out of the gutter was really about the other fellow, was it?

DENNIS Must have been. Assuming it wasn't just a load of flannel. Come to think of it, have you ever come across a lame dog trying to get over a stile?

ARTHUR Hmm. The odd sheep, perhaps. Never a dog. And I can't imagine our Dennis picking a drunk out of the gutter, can you, Betty?

BETTY No. Not his style at all.

ARTHUR Nor even the lame dog's.

Betty groans at the pun. Dennis looks a little shifty and Arthur notices.

ARTHUR You've gone very quiet, Dennis. What are you hiding from us? Don't tell us you have a secret night-time patrol to search the gutters for drunks needing help. Like Gladstone and his prostitutes?

DENNIS I'm hardly in Gladstone's position. And I've often wondered what he actually got up to with those women - even if he did want to save them from sin.

ARTHUR _(To the tune of "My bonny lies over the ocean," 3rd and 4th lines)_ "He'll save you a blonde for a shilling" and all that? "By Jove how the money rolls in."

BETTY By all accounts it was nothing at all like that. Completely above board - if rather silly.

ARTHUR What a waste. But you're dodging the question, Dennis. What about these drunks?

DENNIS Well, as it happens, there was just one occasion.

ARTHUR What? Then don't leave us in suspense! Tell us.

DENNIS There's nothing worth telling.

BETTY You really can't get away with it like that, you know. Arthur will give you no peace until you come clean.

DENNIS Really, it was nothing.

ARTHUR Your maths is better than that, Dennis. "Just one occasion," you said. One is more than nothing. Come on, out with it!

DENNIS Well, even if it was more than nothing, it was very little more. I just came across this chap, lying in the street evidently paralytic, and hoicked him on to some kind of bench nearby.

Ron is distracted from his crossword and starts surreptitiously to take notice.

ARTHUR What on earth for? It sounds a damn silly thing to do.

DENNIS It probably was. But I wasn't the hardened cynic then.

BETTY You a hardened cynic? Pull the other one.

ARTHUR And what has cynicism, or lack of it, to do with it anyway?

DENNIS All right, I was less objective then, if you prefer. I'd been brought up a churchgoer and some of the habits still stuck, at least superficially. I remembered the business about the Good Samaritan and couldn't bear to prove myself the hypocrite I'd always suspected.

BETTY Always?

DENNIS Well, for years, at least. I sometimes felt rather like one of those well-fed, penguin-suited baritones bellowing on about the joys of living as a tramp.

ARTHUR You didn't, I suppose, take this character to an inn like the original Samaritan, and tell the landlord to give him two penn'orth of care till you returned?

DENNIS That would have been going too far.

ARTHUR Too far? He wouldn't get much for tuppence these days.

DENNIS Don't forget, in the original story, it would be two days' wages for a labourer - not an insignificant sum for an ordinary man. But that's beside the point. I simply didn't want to get any further involved. _(Lightening the mood)_ In any case he was too heavy. I'm no weight-lifter and I didn't have a donkey or whatever.

BETTY When was all this?

DENNIS Oh, years ago. It was on my first visit to Cardiff. I had a meeting at the University the next day and was staying at a little hotel fairly near the campus. It was obviously a bad night to be there - there was a hell of a racket going on - a Son et Lumière display or something of the sort at the castle, with a PA system booming away and a load of fireworks - and I couldn't see much chance of sleeping until that was over so went for a walk.

ARTHUR I don't remember our having any business at the university there.

DENNIS It was well before I joined the firm. Probably some time in the seventies. Let's see, I'd come down from Warrington and noticed that the railway passed right by Stokesay Castle. It struck me especially because a few weeks before I'd been there during a short break with my fiancée.

BETTY More and more revelations! I never knew you'd been engaged. Did you, Arthur?

ARTHUR No indeed. So he's evidently not always been the confirmed bachelor we thought. What's the dark secret?

DENNIS No secret at all. Nothing dark or remarkable about it, either. I never intended to stay a bachelor. It's just how things turned out - fate, or Providence perhaps, not design - at least, not my design.

BETTY I can see we shall have to do something about that.

ARTHUR _(In mock horror)_ Betty, please! Don't meddle! You know how disastrous your match-making efforts have always been.

BETTY _(Indignantly)_ Not always. What about -?

ARTHUR Not now, Betty. Don't let him off the hook. I want to hear the end of this story about the Cardiff drunk. _(To Dennis)_ And I don't see what your engagement had to do with it.

DENNIS Nothing, really. I was just trying to fix when it happened.

ARTHUR Why? Is it important?

DENNIS Not at all, but it annoys me when I can't remember things.

BETTY Better get used to it, Dennis. "Time's wingèd chariot," you know. Practically everyone has that problem sooner or later.

ARTHUR Betty should know. _(Betty sticks her tongue out at him)_ But you're sliding off again - come on, Dennis, back to the plot.

DENNIS Really, there's nothing more to tell. Except that I split up with Sheila a month or so afterwards, and that more or less settles the time. Towards the end of 1975.

Ron rises abruptly and lurches across to confront Dennis.

RON You bloody meddler!

DENNIS Eh?

RON You damned, interfering bastard! Why can't your kind ever leave things alone?

ARTHUR _(rising)_ Now just a minute -

RON And you can keep your poncy nose out of it, too! If you don't want it flattened.

BETTY _(Urgently)_ Arthur, get the landlord.

RON You can get whoever you damn well... damn well ... _(his fury suddenly collapsing in confusion)_ ...er...What...? Oh, hell...

He leans on a chair for support.

ARTHUR Now look here -

RON Just - just give me a moment. Please.

ARTHUR Why the devil should we? You can't go barging around accosting people like that and expect them to take it like "Lovely weather we're having."

BETTY _(With unaccustomed authority, moving to Ron)_ Shut up, Arthur. There's something wrong here. _(To Ron)_ Are you ill?

RON I'm... er... a bit woozy. Things seem somehow out of focus. I've a nasty feeling of... Did I do something outrageous just then?

DENNIS You certainly did.

RON _(humbly)_ Do you mind telling me? I blanked out for a while.

ARTHUR Well, you called Dennis here an interfering bastard, and offered to rearrange my features. Not that they couldn't do with it, perhaps, but I've rather got used to them as they are.

RON Oh lord, that's terrible. I really can't apologise enough. And there I was thinking I'd got it beaten - my temper, I mean.

BETTY That wasn't just a fit of temper. Come on, you'd better sit down.

RON _(Still standing)_ No need, thanks. But you're right. It was a completely blind rage. It's happened once or twice before - never as bad as that, though.

BETTY It's a medical disorder, is it?

RON Yes. I've been having treatment. The quack warned me that a shock might still bring on an attack, but... Look, I'm desperately sorry. I mustn't bother you any more.

ARTHUR A shock? What sort of shock?

BETTY Don't you think we should let Mr. - er -?

RON Williams. Ron Williams. If you really want to know. I'm a bit late with the introduction, I'm afraid.

BETTY Arthur, we really ought to let him go if he's fit to.

ARTHUR _(Not wholly sympathetic)_ Well, I do think - if you'll pardon the cliché - that he owes us some sort of explanation. If it wouldn't be too upsetting to give it.

DENNIS I must admit being curious myself. Why don't you sit down - er - Ron?

RON Are you sure?

DENNIS Yes.

ARTHUR Shove along, then, Betty. Make a bit of room.

BETTY Just let me fold my coat.

She does so.

DENNIS There.

RON Oh - all right, thank you. _(Sitting)_ And I do appreciate your not making an issue of it.

DENNIS Well, there's no real harm done, is there? Though you seem to have startled the folk at the bar for a moment. And you certainly gave us a shock.

RON Shocks all round, it seems.

BETTY Oh? It seemed perfectly peaceful here.

RON It was. But I couldn't help overhearing your story of picking up a drunk from a Cardiff street.

DENNIS What of it?

RON You probably won't believe this. But I was that drunk.

Stunned silence for a moment.

ARTHUR Well, I'll be damned. I was saying earlier that coincidence was the rule of life, but this does seem to be stretching it a bit.

RON Yes. I could hardly believe it myself.

DENNIS Well, I suppose when you have a finite number of people in a finite space, the statistical chance of a repeat encounter is also finite.

BETTY Come again?

ARTHUR Translating - If you have twenty people milling around in a small room, you're likely to bump into any one of them more than once.

BETTY There's a bit of difference between the British Isles and a small room. Not to mention between twenty people and fifty million.

DENNIS Yes, but that just makes the chance smaller. It doesn't eliminate it altogether.

ARTHUR It must be the next best thing.

DENNIS Well, yes. _(To Ron)_ How can you be sure you're the same man? After all, Cardiff did have something of a reputation then... I mean, there must have been more than one occasion around that time when a drunk was lying in a street somewhere around there.

RON Very likely. But I doubt if any other would have been picked up like that. They'd have been left there or bundled off to the nick. Well, it was kindly meant, I'm sure.

BETTY But you don't seem very pleased about it.

RON No. Base ingratitude, isn't it? But there it is.

ARTHUR Sorry, I'm baffled. What's wrong with giving a helping hand?

RON Well, how would you like to wake up and be told that a complete stranger had been hauling you about like a sack of potatoes?

DENNIS Who told you that? There was no one else around.

RON The woman over the road had seen what happened. Came across to see if I was all right when I'd sobered up a bit. She was always a bit of a busybody.

BETTY It doesn't seem much cause for taking such violent offence.

RON Not if that had been the end of it.

DENNIS There were repercussions?

RON You can say that again. Every time I felt like going on the binge it came back to me \- the horror of some unknown character laying hands on me when I was too incapable to do anything about it. It didn't stop the drinking, but made me disgusted with myself. Eventually I went to Alcoholics Anonymous.

BETTY What's so terrible about that? My own mother did the same - and doesn't mind who knows it.

RON Oh, that wasn't the problem - not directly, at any rate. I was lucky - it turned out I wasn't technically alcoholic - just a casual boozer and occasional drunkard when other things got on top of me. Drying out wasn't too difficult. I don't even need to be completely teetotal now.

ARTHUR You seem to have got up a pretty good head of steam on what you did have.

BETTY _(reproving)_ Arthur!

RON It's all right - no offence. But that was memory, not alcohol.

BETTY I still don't see why the resentment. Is it too painful...?

RON No, there was more to it. When I really sobered up, I began to notice things I'd missed before. My wife had taken to drink as well - can't blame her, must have been self-defence, I suppose - and frankly, she'd become a bit of a slut. The house was a tip. I nagged her to do something about it -

BETTY You could have done something yourself, couldn't you?

RON Oh, I did. But she always turned it upside down again when my back was turned. Then one day I was hunting for an important letter and as far as I could gather she'd thrown it out by mistake. I really blew up - you've seen what that can be like - and she walked out on me. I've never seen her since.

ARTHUR Maybe for the best.

RON For her, maybe. No, certainly for her. Not for me. I really loved that woman. I didn't realise how much until after she'd gone.

A brief pause for contemplation.

BETTY Always the way, I believe.

DENNIS Didn't you try the police or whatever?

RON I tried everything. But when someone's really determined not to be found there's not much to be done about it. I tried hospitals - clinics - maternity units...

BETTY Oh?

RON Yes, we'd had an idea she might be pregnant. But nothing came of the search. It's been lonely without her. Damned lonely.

ARTHUR Very sad. But you can't really blame poor old Dennis for that.

RON Of course not. Anger isn't logical. _(More positively)_ But it did make me take myself in hand. Now I can hold my head up in decent company - except when I put my foot in it like today. So thank you for that, very belatedly, and again, I'm sorry for making such a scene.

Joan enters hurriedly and sweeps across to join the party, ignoring Ron who retires to his table and resumes the crossword, though without much success at concentrating.

JOAN Sorry I'm late, dear. Freda just wouldn't stop talking. I couldn't even get in a word to say I'd have to be going.

BETTY What was it about?

JOAN Don't ask me. I never listen when she's rabbiting on. I was more concerned about when I was going to get away. Then when she did hang up, I realised I hadn't washed the breakfast things and had to do that.

BETTY Don't worry, Mother, we've saved a place for you.

DENNIS I'm afraid the lemonade will be flat. Let me get you another.

JOAN No, don't bother. This'll be perfectly all right. Probably better as it is - the bubbles tend to get up my nose. Or go down and start me burping - most unladylike. Well, how did the presentation go?

ARTHUR A bit of a fiasco, as Dennis has just been explaining. But it seemed pretty well at the time.

JOAN I don't understand - how can a fiasco be "pretty well at the time"?

DENNIS Well...

ARTHUR Before we launch into that, can we order? Dennis is rather hungry.

JOAN Oh, I'm sorry my dear, you shouldn't have waited.

BETTY We'd no idea how long you were going to be.

JOAN All the more reason for getting on with it.

DENNIS Here's the menu.

JOAN Thank you. Now carry on explaining.

BETTY No, Mother. You can't concentrate on two things at once. Choose your meal and then you can attend to Dennis.

JOAN Very well, dear. Ah... hmm... the plaice and chips, I think.

BETTY Same for me.

ARTHUR Dennis? You fancied something different.

DENNIS Yes - I think I'll try the spaghetti Bolognese.

ARTHUR _(ironic)_ Oh, very exotic! _(Moving to go)_ Right.

DENNIS Arthur, this is my treat.

ARTHUR No, you're needed to tell the story.

DENNIS But...

ARTHUR You can settle with me afterwards, if you insist. Just now your place is right here.

JOAN No, he's having spaghetti, not plaice. And it isn't even ordered yet.

BETTY Mother! That's as bad as one of Arthur's.

JOAN Sorry, dear. It must be catching.

ARTHUR Right. Take note of any new developments, Betty.

Exit Arthur to place the order.

JOAN Now, Dennis, tell me about this apparently successful fiasco. I love paradoxes. _(Singing out of tune)_ "A paradox, a paradox, a most ingenious paradox."

BETTY _(wincing)_ All right, Mother, we don't need the "Pirates" just now.

JOAN Sorry, dear. Go on, Dennis.

DENNIS Well, I'd thought it was going to be Simmons - he's the office manager - making the presentation, but the Managing Director was here for some reason and decided to do it. Goodness knows why - I've never had anything to do with him. Thought it would impress the troops, I suppose. Anyway, he gave a very impressive eulogy of my supposed doings in the firm and the community, only he'd somehow got someone else's history instead of mine. Wouldn't know the difference, of course.

JOAN How embarrassing!

BETTY Not all loss, though. Out of it came a very interesting story of something that happened before Dennis joined the firm.

JOAN Fascinating. Do tell me, Dennis.

DENNIS Another time, perhaps. I couldn't go through it all again just now. Especially just now.

JOAN Why "especially now"?

BETTY _(Hastily)_ Dennis is right, Mother. I'll explain afterwards.

JOAN A mystery! Do tell me.

Arthur returns to his place.

ARTHUR They'll be a little while - the kitchen's rather busy. I've brought some more peanuts.

BETTY You had more conversation than that with the barman.

ARTHUR He wanted to know what the commotion was about.

JOAN _(eagerly)_ Commotion? What have I missed? Don't tell me you and Dennis have been coming to fisticuffs?

BETTY _(ignoring her; anxiously)_ What did you tell him?

ARTHUR That it was just a misunderstanding, all happily sorted out. It seemed to satisfy him.

JOAN This is all very intriguing. I'm fascinated. It seems I really should have let the phone ring and to hell with the housework when you called for me.

DENNIS Perhaps as well you didn't. It was rather embarrassing. Very embarrassing, in fact.

ARTHUR And when Dennis is as emphatic as that, you know there's something in it.

BETTY _(whispering)_ There was a little difficulty with a man at the next table. But as Arthur said, all sorted out.

JOAN The plot thickens. What sort of difficulty?

ARTHUR He had some kind of seizure. But Betty took care of him.

BETTY Arthur, that's...

JOAN Good girl, Betty. But shouldn't he see a doctor?

BETTY No, it wasn't that serious. And he's got medication, I gather.

JOAN You really must tell me all about it when we have the chance. The man at the next table, eh?

_Ron, vaguely aware of her curiosity, prepar_ e _s to leave._

JOAN That's odd - there's something about the way he folds his paper... Good heavens above! I don't believe it! Ronald!

RON _(startled)_ What?

JOAN It is Ronald, isn't it?

RON _(puzzled)_ Yes, but... Good lord! Joan! Wherever did you spring from?

JOAN Just round the corner, as it happens.

RON I searched for years...

JOAN Did you? After all the names you called me?

RON Don't bring that up. I've cursed myself every day for it.

JOAN _(appraising his appearance)_ You've changed, Ronald. You certainly seem to have done well for yourself.

RON You've changed, too. Hardly surprising. So many years...

JOAN Well, we both seem to have pulled ourselves up pretty smartly.

RON With some help.

JOAN With a great deal of help.

ARTHUR _(grinning)_ I said earlier that we were stretching coincidence, but this is ridiculous!

RON It can be as ridiculous as you like, for all I care. So long as I'm not actually dreaming.

DENNIS Betty, Arthur, don't you think we're rather in the way?

BETTY Of course. Mother, I think we'd better be off.

JOAN I'm certainly not leaving now.

BETTY Not you! Dennis and Arthur and I.

JOAN Nonsense. This is a family party. And the food hasn't arrived yet.

BETTY But...

JOAN No buts, dear. I insist.

BETTY Oh... All right. Why not?

DENNIS I really think...

JOAN And you're practically one of the family, Dennis. Don't even think of going. Arthur, pull up another chair for Ronald.

ARTHUR Right-oh.

BETTY That's it. Now - come and sit down - Dad.

CURTAIN

**********

Return to Contents

## GREEN EYES

A drama in eight scenes

Characters

Ian A retired biochemist, in his sixties or early seventies. Has been employed in sensitive international negotiations requiring serious diplomacy but can now afford to show some trace of impatience with people and types that have caused him difficulty. He uses the Gilbert & Sullivan reference in Scene 1 to establish a friendlier rapport with Sally than had at first looked likely.

Sally Early twenties, attractive. A junior newspaper reporter and member of a small environmentalist group. Her initial rather tarty appearance is intentionally deceptive. A spark of affinity develops with Ian, not erotic but enough to give Kevin some slight excuse for jealousy.

Julian Slightly older, an aspiring managerial type, informally the leader of the group, smooth and manipulative; the odd occasion when his basic decency shows through is surprising even to himself.

Kevin About Sally's age and her boy-friend, fellow-member of the group. An electrician or some such artisan, with a sense of social inferiority that he would never admit but leads to aggressiveness and unreasonable jealousy. Stubborn but with great integrity that causes agony when he realises he is in the wrong.

Elsie Middle-aged, motherly owner of a Scottish bed-and-breakfast house.

Time

The near future

Set

To avoid unnecessary time-lags between scenes, the setting should be composite to represent Ian's sitting room, Julian's flat, Kevin's bed-sitter and the Scottish B&B.

*****

Opening

Scene 1

Ian's sitting room. Ian, casually dressed, is seated reading a newspaper, occasionally glancing at his watch. The door bell rings and he answers it.

IAN _(off)_ Hello. Miss Henderson?

SALLY _(off)_ Yes. I'm sorry I'm late - I missed a turning and got stuck at road works.

Ian ushers her through. Her costume though smart is rather short in the skirt and low-cut in the blouse.

IAN They're a devil if you don't know the way round. No matter - I'm not pushed for time. Do sit down. Would you like a coffee - or something stronger?

SALLY Thank you, but better not.

She sits down and prepares to take notes. Ian sits at an angle to her.

IAN Right. Now what's all this about? Your editor or whoever it was seemed rather vague about it. In fact completely vague.

SALLY Sorry, I was on another job, the editor was out too and I had to ask his secretary to make the appointment. There wasn't time to explain. But it's about this GM treaty that's been in the news.

IAN Oh yes?

SALLY I believe you were involved in the negotiations that led up to it, weren't you?

IAN As a technical adviser, yes. Not one of the negotiators - that was a job for the diplomats, thank goodness.

SALLY Yes, so I understand. But from what I've heard it seems that its success or failure hinged on convincing the people actually involved at a working level on the other side to accept a particular approach.

IAN It was an essential step, certainly. We had to satisfy them.

SALLY So I wondered if you could explain the issues in a way that our readers would understand.

IAN I very much doubt it. I don't want to seem patronising, but people without a scientific background seem to have a mental block against technical ideas - especially when there are emotive issues involved.

SALLY In what way?

IAN If you try to explain, at however basic a level, they accuse you of "blinding with science" and trying to throw them off the scent of some horror. If you simply give them the conclusions, of course, you're covering it up. Either way you can't win.

SALLY Isn't that a rather sweeping generalisation?

IAN Perhaps, but... Sorry, we seem to be getting off on the wrong foot. My fault. Can we go back a step or two?

SALLY I suppose you've had some bad experiences. But don't you think the Press could help in putting the ideas across? Explaining them in terms that people actually understand?

IAN To be fair, it sometimes tries - quite often, in fact. But even with serious papers, the results are ... I'm afraid they never seem to get the story right.

SALLY _(almost singing)_ What, never?

IAN _(smiling, recognising the allusion)_ Hardly ever. So you're a Gilbert and Sullivan fan, are you?

SALLY I was in a production of "Pinafore" only a few weeks ago.

IAN As the gallant captain's daughter?

SALLY No such luck. In the chorus.

IAN While I suppose the lead was taken by a lady of mature years and ample dimensions who had to drop an octave for the top notes and would have been far better suited to Little Buttercup.

SALLY How did you guess?

IAN I've been involved with amateur groups - not singing, I might say. Ah, well... But we digress. I'm afraid that on anything at all controversial, most of the Press is inclined to give a very - well, unsatisfactory account. You must have seen what it's been like even over a simple matter like dealing with nuclear waste.

SALLY Simple!!!?

IAN Yes, in essence. A matter of solidifying the stuff and sticking it in a suitable hole in the ground. How to do it has been obvious for years - decades, in principle. But of course there are none so ignorant as those who don't want to know. The real complications are mostly in the politics.

SALLY Well, perhaps we should let that pass for now.

IAN You aren't convinced, I take it.

SALLY Far from it. But that's beside the point. Getting back to the treaty, what I should like is an account suitable for ordinary people of what it provides and why it was so difficult to agree.

IAN Why the interest? It's a fairly arcane subject.

SALLY Well, it was on the national news, and your name was mentioned...

IAN Was it, indeed? I missed that.

SALLY... so it's become a matter of local pride. People want to know what it's all about. Preferably without too many technicalities.

IAN Hmm. A pity you can't ask Sue Collins about that.

SALLY Who's she?

IAN An American State Department lawyer who finally convinced the Japanese officials of what should be done. I haven't much time for lawyers as a rule, but she was really impressive - put it over in terms even a politician could understand.

SALLY I dare say she did, but a junior reporter on a provincial paper can't get at the State Department, and I can get at you.

IAN _(wryly)_ Well put.

SALLY I'm sorry, that must have sounded dreadful.

IAN Not at all; it was accurate, succinct and to the point. I wish all journalism had those qualities.

SALLY Well, thank you. Do I gather you haven't much time for politicians either?

IAN Let's say I have difficulties with them and leave it at that.

SALLY We all do, if we want a straight answer to a question.

IAN That's the least part of it. The main trouble is that they haven't time to take in the details and are liable to pick up superficially attractive fallacies.

SALLY So isn't it worth while to try putting the record straight?

IAN If that's what you really want -... Right, I'll see what I can do. Are you familiar with the general idea of genetic modification?

SALLY Mixing genetic material from two different kinds of plant so that the result could have the desirable qualities of both?

IAN Yes, broadly. That's one aspect of the situation. And for the other, you probably know that pharmaceuticals are extremely big business.

SALLY Who doesn't?

IAN Quite. Not everyone realises, though, that while the profits can be enormous, so is the cost of trying constantly to find new products that will keep ahead of mutations that disease bacteria and viruses evolve to defeat them. And when they are found, some of those products are difficult to make artificially from scratch, but much easier starting from intermediates provided by certain other organisms.

SALLY Like heroin from opium?

IAN An unhappy example, but yes. Unfortunately those other organisms aren't always as co-operative as we'd like. Maybe they won't grow well in production conditions, or they make just a little of the material we want along with a lot of other stuff that is either useless or a positive nuisance. You can probably see where this is leading.

SALLY You take the genes responsible for making the material you want and put them into another plant that can be grown easily without the disadvantages?

IAN That's the general idea.

SALLY But where does the treaty come into it?

IAN Well, there's one particular product - its proper name is about a yard long but for our purposes we can just call it A -

SALLY Thank goodness!

IAN - that can be made by two approaches from quite different intermediates. Both have been studied by different organisations working independently, there isn't much to choose between them technically or economically, and as a result we and the Americans have chosen one route; while the Japanese have gone for the other.

SALLY So?

IAN Unlike ours, the Japanese process could be altered fairly easily to yield product B, which might have very nasty uses in chemical warfare.

SALLY What sort of uses?

IAN We'd best not pursue that.

SALLY Why? - Oh, of course...

IAN Yes. The treaty is to make as sure as possible that it never happens.

SALLY What was the difficulty? Does anyone really think the Japanese would do it?

IAN Probably not, but the United Nations has insisted on formal verification. Not just for this particular product, but for any that might have dual-use possibilities. Actually, it's probably wise for the sake of public relations if nothing else.

SALLY What sort of verification would that involve?

IAN There lies the problem. Our intermediate isn't on the route to product B, so verification on our plant would be little more than a check on which process was running. For the Japanese it would be much more complicated, involving rather intrusive investigations, and quite understandably they complained of unfairness.

SALLY National pride? Commercial security?

IAN A bit of both, but more importantly it could add quite a lot to production costs and put them at a commercial disadvantage.

SALLY What could they do about it? If it weren't for the treaty, I mean.

IAN At a pinch - and for a time it looked a serious possibility - they might simply have told the UN to get lost - putting it in more diplomatic terms, of course. That would have meant a real crisis in other areas as well. To avoid it, we needed something a lot closer to even-handedness - what's sometimes called "equality of misery." And the Americans insisted that they weren't going to burden their industry with a load of fruitless expenditure just to assure the UN - which they're not too keen on these days for other reasons - that they weren't doing something that would be impossible anyway.

SALLY Why couldn't the Japanese simply adopt the other process?

IAN They weren't going to pay for a licence when they had a perfectly good process of their own. And we weren't ready to sacrifice intellectual property rights.

SALLY So it could have been a stalemate?

IAN It looked very much like it for a time.

SALLY How did you get round it?

IAN Well, to cut a long story short, I devised a way of making sure that the B variation of the Japanese process couldn't be run on their plant as it was eventually to be set up, and moreover demonstrating the fact without too much trouble.

SALLY Would it work for anything with dual use?

IAN Not directly, in general, but the same principles might apply in some instances.

SALLY And in this one it solved the problem?

IAN Not entirely, because in practice it was still going to be more costly and intrusive for the Japanese than for the Americans or us. That was where Sue Collins came in. The chief Japanese representative at the decisive meeting hadn't been involved until the technical discussions were practically over - he probably wouldn't have understood them anyway - and raised objections. She explained to him that although the scheme bore more heavily on them than on anyone else, without it the UN would insist on very much more elaborate verification procedures all round, and everyone would be worse off, the Japanese especially. That swung the day. Afterwards it was just a matter of tidying up the administrative detail.

SALLY Phew!

IAN Yes, it was certainly a relief. It had taken a couple of years' work, but it was worth it.

SALLY Did it mean your going out to Japan?

IAN A couple of times, yes, just for a few days.

SALLY What did you think of it?

IAN I liked the country, and found the people delightful, but couldn't stand the food.

SALLY Why not?

IAN I'm not much of a fish-eater in any case, but raw... ugh!

SALLY How did you manage, then?

IAN By avoiding it as far as possible.

SALLY How far was that?

IAN A lot less than most of us would have liked! It was notorious that people who spent any length of time out there came back noticeably thinner than they went.

SALLY So you weren't sorry your visits were short?

IAN In that respect, at any rate. On the last occasion we had to spend a night in Tokyo before catching the flight home, and went out to look for a meal - anything but Japanese. We searched for what seemed an age and thought we might be reduced to eating in a hamburger joint or going back to the hotel - not that there was anything wrong with it, quite the opposite, it was just too blandly international - but then found a curious little Mexican restaurant that we thought worth trying. It actually turned out to be rather good.

SALLY We? You took your - er - partner?

IAN A professional colleague. It was a working visit, with no provision for social companions.

SALLY A pity. I'd have jumped at a chance like that.

IAN _(humorously)_ And I never knew it!

SALLY Oh, I didn't mean...

IAN It's all right, only joking. In any case it would have had to be a wife or nothing, and I've never married.

SALLY Oh? May I ask...?

IAN I'd have liked to, but it didn't happen.

SALLY _(sensing a "personal interest" story)_ What went wrong?

IAN I don't think we need go into that. _(He notices with amusement that Sally's skirt has ridden up as though accidentally to an enticing extent.)_ I wonder...

SALLY What?

IAN Miss Henderson, you're an attractive young woman -

SALLY _(taken aback)_ Thank you, but ...

IAN - it wasn't a compliment - and I think you're well aware of your assets. You've made quite sure that I should be aware of them, too. So what are you after?

SALLY I beg your pardon!

IAN Why this attempt at visual seduction? I'm not complaining, mind you - far from it. But neither am I fool enough to imagine your having any personal interest in a man three times your age. And it isn't just showing off; I don't think you're the type. That seems to mean you want something else - something that you wouldn't simply ask for in the normal course of an interview. What is it?

SALLY Wow! You don't beat about the bush, do you?

IAN I prefer to be straightforward. How about you?

SALLY Well, fair enough; I'll try. You've rather taken the wind out of my sails. But you've probably realised that I'm keen on Green issues.

IAN Yes, that was fairly clear.

SALLY There's a group of us worried about the whole business of genetic modification.

IAN Another one? I'd have thought there were quite enough already.

SALLY We don't like the approach that some of them take. It's too aggressive – too simplistic. Oh, they get good news coverage, and it goes down well with a lot of the public, but even if they're right in the conclusions we've a feeling that their arguments may not be really sound - that they rely more on prejudice than reality in getting there.

IAN Hmm.

SALLY What we want is to have a serious discussion on a scientifically respectable basis, but suited to our level, without making a lot of noise over it.

IAN Having already made up your minds on the outcome?

SALLY We have a point of view that we want to put. We think it holds on general principles, but our position will be a lot stronger if it can stand up to genuine objections. But we don't know how to answer them on their own terms. So we hoped I might persuade you to come and talk to us about them.

IAN When?

SALLY You will? Just like that?

IAN Certainly, if I can fit it in.

SALLY Although you support GM?

IAN I'm always open to reasonable arguments. After all, there may be some I haven't considered. And your point on standing up to sensible criticism is quite valid, but it cuts both ways.

SALLY I suppose it does.

IAN Is that all you want?

SALLY In the first instance, yes. I don't expect a "road to Damascus" conversion.

IAN Then you had only to ask. It's precisely the sort of thing I've been trying to do for years. Why all the foreplay – if you'll pardon my putting it like that?

SALLY The piece for the paper is genuine enough.

IAN _(lightly)_ That isn't quite what I meant – as I think you know perfectly well!

SALLY _(amused)_ All right. My father was a professional soldier. He said it was always a mistake to skimp an attack and then have to strengthen it, except as a ploy to trick the enemy. Better to throw in the main force at the outset.

IAN So I'm the enemy, am I?

SALLY We thought so. At least, a part of it.

IAN An opponent, anyway.

SALLY A friendly opponent, if that isn't too much to ask?

IAN If you and your pals will have it so. It suits me. What specifically do you have in mind...?

Fade out.

Scene 2

Julian's flat. He is trying to make notes against the distraction of Kevin mooching around the room and occasionally picking up a magazine or newspaper but unable to concentrate on it, repeatedly looking anxiously at the clock or the telephone.

JULIAN For goodness' sake settle down, Kevin. You're making me dizzy, let alone wearing out the carpet.

KEVIN I can't help wondering how Sally's getting on.

JULIAN Neither can I, but fretting about it won't make any difference one way or the other.

KEVIN I wish you'd never thought of the scheme.

JULIAN I don't see why. It may work. If it doesn't, we're no worse off.

KEVIN But suppose it works all too well?

JULIAN What on earth do you mean?

KEVIN That he thinks she's an easy lay and goes for it.

JULIAN Are you afraid he'll be totally smitten and sweep her off her feet?

KEVIN Or worse.

JULIAN Look, I know we don't like his views or his work, but that doesn't make him any kind of sex maniac. His private life seems to be perfectly respectable. He's getting a bit long in the tooth for any shenanigans, anyway.

KEVIN I wouldn't count on it. Look at my uncle Fred.

JULIAN I didn't know you had one. What about him?

KEVIN Actually my great-uncle. Never put a foot wrong, for all that anyone could tell, until he was over sixty and then went right off the deep end. Seemed to get even randier as time went on.

JULIAN He sounds like something out of Tom Sharpe. Tell me more!

KEVIN That's about all I know. I never met him and Mum was cagey about the details. Except that he was eventually found dead in bed with a floosie in Torremolinos.

JULIAN Heart attack?

KEVIN No, the woman's husband found out what was going on and shot them both.

JULIAN Very melodramatic! It's a pity you didn't get more of the story. But anyway, whatever Kendrick may or may not be doing, wearing yourself into a frazzle won't help.

KEVIN All very well for you. It isn't your girl friend being used as bait.

JULIAN She isn't a tethered goat waiting for a tiger. She's a sensible woman, quite capable of looking after herself.

KEVIN I noticed you didn't suggest Sheila for the job.

JULIAN Of course not. Sheila's a wonderful girl and I love her dearly, but let's face it, she doesn't have the same qualifications.

KEVIN You didn't tell her that, surely.

JULIAN She's no illusions about her appearance. If anything too modest. I've suggested time and time again she should take a bit more care... But if anyone was to do it, Sally was the obvious choice.

KEVIN I never did like the idea.

JULIAN I don't remember your objecting.

KEVIN When you get going there isn't much chance.

JULIAN _(bridling, then correcting himself)_ Oh, indeed? Well, perhaps you have a point.

KEVIN And why hasn't she phoned?

JULIAN Maybe she's still having to work on him.

KEVIN How far do you think she'd have to go?

JULIAN Not the whole hog, if that's what you're worried about. The essence of this sort of thing is to tantalise - to hold out a suggestion of something still to come.

KEVIN How come you know so much about it? Have you...?

He is interrupted by Sally's entrance.

KEVIN Ah, there you are!

JULIAN At last! He means.

KEVIN What kept you? And why didn't you phone?

SALLY A, a traffic jam, and B, I forgot to charge it and the battery's flat.

KEVIN Was he horrible? I've been so worried...

JULIAN That's true. Talk about pacing the cage! If I'd kept my eyes on him you'd have to untwist my neck like a fathom of rope.

SALLY It's sweet of you, Kevin, but really, there was no need. It was all perfectly civilised.

KEVIN _(darkly)_ So was Casanova.

JULIAN But did it work? That's the important thing.

SALLY Well, at one point I thought he was going to make a pass -

KEVIN There!

SALLY - but I was completely mistaken.

JULIAN _(Teasing)_ How humiliating! What did happen?

SALLY He saw through the ruse straight away.

JULIAN Damn!

KEVIN _(to Julian)_ I told you it was a daft idea! _(To Sally)_ Did he turn nasty?

SALLY Not at all. Quite the opposite, in fact.

KEVIN So he did try something on?

JULIAN Kevin, stop playing the jealous lover. It won't get you anywhere.

SALLY There's no need to fret, anyway. My assets, as he called them, didn't seem to whet his appetite all that much. A pity, really. I rather fancied myself doing a Mata Hari.

KEVIN Is he a ... one of those, do you think?

SALLY No sign of it. I think he appreciates a woman just as much as you do, only he doesn't go about it like a rampant bull.

KEVIN _(aggressively)_ Are you saying...?

JULIAN Calm down, Kevin. No one's saying anything. The point is, where do we go now? Can you think of anyone else we might try?

SALLY There's no need.

JULIAN What do you mean?

SALLY He's perfectly willing to talk to us without any inducement. Quite eager, in fact. All he needed was to be asked.

KEVIN _(exasperated)_ Then why the hell didn't you say so?

SALLY You didn't give me much of a chance.

KEVIN You could have given us a thumbs up or something.

SALLY And in your state of mind I can guess what conclusion you'd jump to - particularly as I was late getting here.

KEVIN My state of mind...!

JULIAN Come on, Kevin, you know quite well she's right. As it was you'd more than half convinced yourself that at the very least she'd been ravished.

KEVIN There's no need to exaggerate...

JULIAN Who was exaggerating?

SALLY For goodness' sake calm down! There's no need to fight. We've got what we wanted a lot easier than expected, that's all. Why make a drama of it?

JULIAN Thank you. That's what I call good sense. What exactly have we got?

SALLY He'll come and meet us on Thursday evening. For as long as we like, within reason. He suggests you have a list of prepared questions, though there's no need to stick to them if a different line looks promising.

JULIAN Does he want to see them beforehand?

SALLY If there's any call for detailed information, yes, so that he has time to check his facts. Otherwise he's quite ready to take them cold. And discuss them as far as seems useful.

JULIAN Right. We'd better get down to composing them. I've got some ideas but what do you think for a starter, Kevin?

SALLY Oh, and Kevin...

KEVIN Yes?

SALLY If you don't mind, I think you'd better let Julian or me ask them.

KEVIN Why?

SALLY We agreed we're opponents, but that we'd try to keep the discussion friendly.

KEVIN Friendly? With people like him?

SALLY He probably believes quite sincerely that he's acting for the best. In fact I'm sure he does. We disagree, but I've tried to show him that we want to put rational arguments - that we're not just a bunch of mindless fanatics.

KEVIN Why should he think we are?

JULIAN If we behave like reasonable human beings, he shouldn't. That's the whole point.

KEVIN Are you saying I'm unreasonable?

JULIAN Cool it, Kevin. Don't keep looking for insults where none's intended.

KEVIN If that wasn't...

SALLY No one's saying you're unreasonable, Kevin, but plenty of people are. Unreasonable, I mean. And your indignation does tend to run away with you. You're inclined to get too heated in argument.

KEVIN _(vigorously)_ And why not? With people like him set to ruin the world. Surely that's enough to be heated about?

JULIAN Yes, but we're asking him to help. We'll get nowhere if you start yelling at him.

KEVIN _(yelling)_ I never yell!

Blackout.

Scene 3

Julian's flat. A period of discussion has evidently come to an end, and Ian is packing papers into his briefcase.

JULIAN Well, thank you very much, Dr. Kendrick. It's very good of you to give up your time like this.

IAN You're very welcome. I've often tried to get just this sort of session, but with no takers. People are always complaining about a lack of information, and it's amazing how suddenly they lose interest as soon as it's offered.

SALLY Why's that?

IAN I can't read their minds, of course, and I'm no psychologist. I can only suppose they prefer to cherish their prejudices. It's very refreshing to find people ready to listen. But you've been very quiet, Kevin. Hadn't you anything to say?

KEVIN _(with a sour glance at Julian)_ Questions enough. But the others can put things better than I do. I need time to sort my ideas out.

IAN They may be all the better for that. If you'd like another session when you're ready, I'd be very happy to...

JULIAN That would be a good...

KEVIN There's no need...

IAN _(after a brief pause)_ Hmm. Do you have a casting vote, Sally?

SALLY I think we'd better talk it over and let you know - if that's all right?

IAN Certainly. I'm pretty well booked up next week, but after that I've a fairly clear ten days - so far. In case it starts to fill up, you'd better let me know as soon as you've decided.

JULIAN Of course. If I come back to you in a couple of days, will that be soon enough?

IAN Should be. Right, until then...

SALLY Thanks again. Good night.

IAN Good night.

Sally shows him out while Julian tidies a few pages of notes.

JULIAN Well, Kevin, what was all that about?

KEVIN All what?

JULIAN Suddenly turning awkward.

KEVIN What do you mean?

JULIAN Turning down an offer to answer questions that you yourself said you had. Come to think of it, exactly like the bigoted characters that Kendrick mentioned.

KEVIN I simply decided I didn't particularly want the answers - at least any that that stuffed shirt would give.

SALLY _(returning)_ Kevin! Those were exactly the kind of answers we wanted.

KEVIN And you believed he'd give them to us straight?

JULIAN I don't see why not.

KEVIN More fool you, then.

SALLY What's got into you? Why go to all the trouble of getting a recognised expert to answer our questions, and then refuse to believe him?

KEVIN He said he wasn't an expert on the most important questions.

SALLY Well, that suggests honesty, doesn't it?

KEVIN No, only ducking responsibility.

SALLY As he said, with people like you he can't win either way.

KEVIN He doesn't deserve to.

JULIAN "I've made up my mind, don't confuse me with facts."

KEVIN Don't give me that. Whose side are you on?

JULIAN On the side of the environment. That's the whole idea, remember?

KEVIN And you think I'm not?

JULIAN Not at all. But you're too wedded to your own ideas of what's good for it. They're probably right, basically, but there may be more to it than you've really considered.

SALLY And getting back to the point, if Kendrick isn't actually an expert in his own right on some aspects, he's worked with people who are. He's bound to know far more than any of us do about these things.

KEVIN Maybe. But I just think that if we take the truth to be more or less the opposite of what he says, we shan't be far wrong.

JULIAN Kevin, that's simply prejudice. Exactly what we're supposed to be avoiding.

KEVIN And where has sweet reason got us? Nowhere.

JULIAN We've only just started.

KEVIN Not us. The whole Green movement.

SALLY Now that simply isn't true. Look at all the controls that have been set up.

KEVIN But people like him can still talk their way round them. Or buy their way...

JULIAN Better be careful where you say that sort of thing, Kevin. It's probably actionable.

KEVIN Let 'em sue if they feel like it. What good would it do them?

JULIAN Very little, but none at all for you. For goodness' sake stop sulking.

KEVIN I am not sulking!

SALLY Look, I think we do need to ask him some more questions, if only who else to approach about those where he can't give a first-hand opinion.

JULIAN There's no need for you to be involved, Kevin, if you don't want to.

KEVIN You're not leaving me out of it.

JULIAN _(exasperated)_ For goodness' sake! What do you want? One way or the other, make up your mind!

Blackout

Scene 4

Ian's sitting room. He is sorting a wad of papers. The door bell rings and he answers it.

IAN _(off)_ Sally! This is a pleasant surprise.

SALLY I'm sorry to interrupt whatever you're doing.

IAN Don't worry - it's only my tax return. I'm glad of the excuse.

SALLY I'd have phoned, only...

IAN _(as they enter)_ Come on through, anyway. Make yourself at home. Coffee?

SALLY No, thanks. I haven't much time.

IAN Not a social call, then.

SALLY No.

IAN _(tidying papers)_ How some people can spend their whole lives working on this boring stuff beats me.

SALLY Plenty would be glad to afford being bored by them.

IAN I suppose that's true. I've been lucky. But what ...?

SALLY I've brought a draft of my piece on the GM treaty, in case you'd like to look over it.

IAN That's very thoughtful of you - thanks, I should.

SALLY After your comments about the press never getting a story right it seemed best. I'd have had it done earlier only other jobs kept cropping up and I had to cover them first.

IAN You've been pretty quick anyway. When do you need it back?

SALLY The sooner the better. Not more than a week, if you can manage it.

IAN I thought you were going to say tomorrow morning! I shouldn't take more than a day or so. Shall I drop it into your office?

SALLY That'll be fine. And ...

IAN Yes?

SALLY There's one other thing...

IAN What's that?

SALLY I'm afraid it's rather difficult... Look, you've given up a good bit of your time and I'm really grateful for your help...

IAN But?

SALLY You see, we discussed what you told us the other day, and there were some things we wanted to follow up - Kevin particularly... _(Pause)_

IAN Yes?

SALLY ... but he suddenly went very strange. You probably remember the confusion over whether we wanted another meeting or not.

IAN Yes. It did strike me as a bit odd.

SALLY Afterwards he said in effect that he wouldn't believe a word you said, and turned generally rather nasty.

IAN Ah.

SALLY I don't understand what's got into him. He's usually dead keen for discussion - almost embarrassingly argumentative at times.

IAN Hmm. So it seems out of character.

SALLY Exactly.

IAN I couldn't help noticing - forgive me if I'm rushing in where angels fear to tread \- he's very fond of you, isn't he?

SALLY I think so, but I don't see what that has to do with it.

IAN Don't you?

SALLY You surely don't think he's... jealous?

IAN I scarcely know him, of course, but it looks a distinct possibility.

SALLY But that's ridiculous! It isn't as if...

She stops in confusion.

IAN As if I were any sort of competition in that respect. Go on; you might as well say it - it's true enough. However much I might regret it.

SALLY You don't ...?

IAN I was speaking generally and hypothetically. Don't worry!

SALLY Anyway, he doesn't own me. And even if he did, I haven't given him any cause to fret.

IAN You wouldn't need to. Jealousy isn't rational, Sally. Or rather it has a twisted logic of its own. Once the seed is sown - and a mere nothing can do it - everything seems to confirm and nurture it. Even the most innocent trifles can take on a dire significance. It's a horrible state to be in.

SALLY That sounds like personal experience. Sorry, that's me rushing in now.

IAN Yes, I've been through it. So I pity any poor devil in its grip. It's like a knife twisting in the guts.

SALLY Come to think of it, he has been a bit edgy at times when we're in company. He gets so intense! I often wish he could be a bit more detached. Like Julian, say.

IAN Don't.

SALLY Don't what?

IAN Don't wish that. Rightly or wrongly, I think I'm a fair judge of character, and I'd say Kevin's the worthier. Even if the term is out of fashion!

SALLY I rather think Kevin might agree with you there, on the quiet.

IAN No bad thing, within limits. Humility's a virtue, right enough, but it doesn't mean denying real qualities. It's best based on a true assessment. From the little he did say, Kevin struck me as basically very sound. I'm not so sure about Julian. This is strictly between ourselves, of course.

SALLY Understood.

IAN Er... This may seem an impertinence, but do you mind if I ask a personal question?

SALLY It depends how personal.

IAN How serious is your attachment to him?

SALLY How do you measure it? But enough to want it made permanent.

IAN That's good enough. And does he want the same?

SALLY Obviously.

IAN I think you're probably right but, it isn't necessarily so, I'm afraid. Some men can get absurdly possessive for very dubious reasons, sometimes over little more than a passing fancy. Often it's just a form of injured vanity ...

SALLY Kevin isn't like that.

IAN... or essentially a lack of self-confidence. Do be careful. I dare say he'd make a devoted husband, but there's a risk - not a certainty, as he may snap out of it, but certainly a risk - that he'd always be suspicious of any other association. That could make things very difficult for both of you. However happy you are as a couple, you can't go through life isolated from the rest of the world.

SALLY Hmm. Now you mention it, there have been moments...

IAN Can you talk to him about it?

SALLY It never got to the point where I felt I had to.

IAN I think perhaps it has without your noticing.

SALLY Maybe. But I'd have to choose the moment.

IAN Yes, you will, very carefully indeed. Pick the wrong one and he'd take it as confirming his suspicions. And you'd better get advice from someone more experienced than me. What about your parents?

SALLY Afraid not. Dad died a few years ago, and Mum... _(sighs)_

IAN Yes?

SALLY Don't get me wrong. She's a dear soul and I think the world of her, but - well - she always gets the wrong end of the stick if I try to discuss anything serious, and there's no shifting her from whatever conclusion she's jumped to.

IAN I know the type. More heart than head. It's difficult. Still, there are probably other people you could try...

They are interrupted by a hammering at the door. Ian excuses himself and goes to answer it.

KEVIN _(off)_ You've got Sally in there, haven't you?

IAN She is here, yes, but...

Kevin barges through and grabs Sally.

KEVIN What the hell do you think you're doing here?

SALLY Having a civilised conversation - until you arrived. Let go of me!

IAN Kevin! I don't know what you think you're playing at, but while you're in my house you'll either be civil or...

KEVIN You keep out of this. It's between...

He pushes Ian away; Ian stumbles, trips and falls, banging his head on a table edge. His stillness is not immediately noticed.

SALLY Kevin! Whatever's got into you?

KEVIN I'm not having that old whatsit messing you about.

SALLY You're the only one messing about. For goodness' sake behave yourself.

KEVIN I'll behave as I damn well like.

SALLY You just can't go around barging into people's houses and shoving them about like that. You haven't even the feeble excuse of being drunk.

KEVIN Oh, stop lecturing.

SALLY Kevin! Do you really want to become one of those pathetic little assault cases filling up gaps in the news? I'm terribly sorry about this, Dr. Kendrick... Dr. Kendrick? Are you all right?

KEVIN Never mind him. Let's get out of here.

SALLY Shut up for a moment - I don't like the look of him.

KEVIN I never did.

Sally kneels beside Ian and tries to rouse him.

SALLY He doesn't seem to be breathing.

KEVIN Just pretending. Playing for sympathy.

SALLY Kevin, you pig-headed idiot, this is serious. He's really hurt.

KEVIN But surely...

SALLY For heaven's sake, if you won't do anything useful yourself, get someone who will - call an ambulance!

Blackout.

Scene 5

Julian's flat. He is carefully reading a newspaper, Sally sitting moodily staring into space.

JULIAN _(laying the paper aside)_ Well, your piece looks good. It goes well with Kendrick's obit.

SALLY _(dully)_ Thanks.

JULIAN Putting them together gives it quite a boost. Gives you a boost too. Your own by-line - quite an achievement for a junior.

SALLY I'd have preferred to do without that kind of boost. In fact I wouldn't have handed the piece in at all, only the editor insisted on having it.

JULIAN I should think so. "Famous GM expert's final words" - what editor could resist it?

SALLY His heading, not mine. It horrified me. Not even really true.

JULIAN Could have been worse. Think what one of the tabloids would have made of it.

SALLY Don't!

JULIAN And of course it would have wanted a shot of you in your Mata Hari kit. Or better still without it.

SALLY No chance. Kevin would have had a fit. Give it a rest, Julian.

JULIAN That's a point. Where is he? Haven't seen him for days, and when I rang he was distinctly short with me.

SALLY He's very upset about the whole business.

JULIAN Surprising when he'd taken such a dislike to the fellow.

SALLY Well, it was a nasty shock, realising he was dead.

JULIAN I suppose it must have been.

SALLY What are you getting at?

JULIAN I'm not getting at anything. Why so prickly all of a sudden? There's no need to jump down my throat.

SALLY Sorry, my nerves are a bit on edge.

JULIAN I thought news reporters were hardened to unpleasant events.

SALLY They may be, in time. I haven't been at it very long, remember. And I'm not sure I'd want to be hardened all that much.

JULIAN Don't tell me you're going in for the bleeding heart stuff.

SALLY Huh! Not likely. People who write that sort of guff must be really hardened. It's utterly cynical. I don't want to lose the ability to feel for people's pain.

JULIAN _(gently)_ Be careful, then. You're likely to get badly hurt yourself.

SALLY _(surprised)_ Are you all right?

JULIAN Yes, of course. Why?

SALLY You actually sounded sincere then.

JULIAN As if I were ever anything else! _(In mock sorrow)_ You grieve me, Sally.

SALLY That's more like the usual Julian.

JULIAN So all we need is to get back the usual Sally and the usual Kevin. Perhaps you'd better go and see what's up with him.

SALLY Maybe.

JULIAN That doesn't sound very enthusiastic. What's going on?

SALLY I don't know. I hear he's been off work for three days. He's been pretty distant with me, too.

JULIAN Have you had a row?

SALLY Not really. Though I was pretty sharp with him when he burst in on my talk with Dr. Kendrick.

JULIAN With reason, I imagine. Tact isn't exactly his strong point.

SALLY I know. But I've called him names over his bluntness often enough before, and it's always been like water off a duck's back.

JULIAN Effect of shock, then?

SALLY If it was as simple as that I'd have thought he'd be over it by now. Or at least the worst of it.

JULIAN This gets worrying. I really think you ought to try and see him. I'll come with you, if you think it'll do any good, although...

SALLY No, I think it's best if I go alone. But thanks all the same.

JULIAN Right. Will you come back here and report, or...?

SALLY No, but I'll ring when I've got some news.

Blackout.

Scene 6

Kevin's bed-sitter. He is snoozing in a chair, with a half-packed travel bag and some loose clothing beside him. There is a knock at the door.

KEVIN _(waking with a start)_ Uh? What... Who is it?

SALLY _(off)_ It's me, Sally. May I come in?

KEVIN Yes - it's not locked.

SALLY _(entering)_ You sound as though you've just woken up.

KEVIN I have. Suddenly felt knackered and had to have forty winks.

SALLY Are you all right?

KEVIN Yes. Except that I haven't been sleeping at nights. Then I'm fagged out during the day.

SALLY _(noticing the bag)_ Are you going away?

KEVIN What does it look like?

SALLY There's no need to be like that.

KEVIN Sorry.

SALLY You weren't meaning to slope off without even saying goodbye, were you?

KEVIN Of course not.

SALLY The way you've been lately, I'm not sure there's any "of course" about it.

KEVIN Sorry, you're right. I did rather hope to get away without your noticing - for a while, at least.

SALLY Then how long are you going for?

KEVIN I'm not sure.

SALLY You must have some idea.

KEVIN Well, actually...

SALLY Yes?

KEVIN I probably shan't be coming back.

SALLY What, not at all?

KEVIN That's right.

SALLY But why?

KEVIN Oh, for goodness' sake!

SALLY Kevin!

KEVIN I'm sorry.

SALLY You don't seem the same person lately. What's the matter?

KEVIN It's that business with Kendrick. It just goes round and round in my head and nothing will drive it away - not for more than a minute or two. It's utterly maddening. At night there's no getting away from it at all. If only I could go back a week and play the whole thing differently!

SALLY But you can't. And it would probably turn out just the same anyway. Your temper ...

KEVIN I suppose you're right. But it doesn't help very much.

SALLY Can you think of anything that would?

KEVIN Not so far.

SALLY One thing's certain - running away from it won't help.

KEVIN I'm not running away.

SALLY That's true, I suppose. You'll be taking it with you, just as surely as that bag. More surely, because it's inside you.

KEVIN If only there was some kind of left-luggage office for unwanted memories. Or a "Delete" button in the brain.

SALLY Pity there isn't. But they say confession's good for the soul. For the mind, too.

KEVIN To a parson? You know what I think of them. I couldn't.

SALLY Well, a counsellor, then. It seems to be a thriving business these days.

KEVIN I dare say. But I don't see that it would help me.

SALLY It must do some good. Otherwise...

KEVIN I'm sure it does \- for the counsellors.

SALLY What do you mean?

KEVIN It must give them a mighty good opinion of themselves.

SALLY That's a thoroughly cynical remark - more like Julian.

KEVIN Maybe he's right.

SALLY All right, let's look at what happened. You pushed him and he fell. You could do that a hundred times and no harm would come of it.

KEVIN But this time there was plenty. There could hardly be more.

SALLY Yes, but he could easily have tripped over that rug with no one else there at all.

KEVIN Maybe so. But it happened this time because I pushed him.

SALLY It was an accident, Kevin. It isn't as if you meant him any harm.

KEVIN Isn't it?

SALLY What do you mean?

KEVIN When I went to that house, Sally, I had murder in my heart. I didn't recognise it at the time, but it's as plain as a pikestaff now.

SALLY You're imagining it.

KEVIN No, I'm not. I wanted to kill him, and because of what I did he died. I'm as guilty as if I'd clobbered him with an axe.

SALLY Come off it. You didn't clobber him deliberately, and you obviously didn't have an axe or anything like it. The very worst an inquest might decide is manslaughter, and it's a thousand times more likely to be accidental death.

KEVIN Sally, you're missing the whole point. To hell with the inquest! I'm talking morally.

SALLY Look, Kevin, we've all done things we're desperately ashamed of. However much we'd like to, we can't do anything about them now, not directly. The past is - well, past and unalterable. Punishing yourself won't change it.

KEVIN It may even the balance a bit.

SALLY No it won't. The harm you've done - and I won't make it out to be less than it is - that will still be there. It's the same for all of us, one way or another. The only way we can hope to even the balance is by doing a bit more good than we're strictly obliged to.

KEVIN I suppose that may be a possibility.

SALLY So there'll be no more talk of going away?

KEVIN I'm sorry, but I have to.

SALLY Why?

KEVIN Because there's too much here to remind me.

SALLY You'll have to stay for the inquest, anyway. We'll both be needed as witnesses.

KEVIN Oh, that. I hadn't thought ...

SALLY You can't just skip off. That would certainly give people nasty ideas.

KEVIN I suppose so. But then...

SALLY What about your job?

KEVIN I've chucked it in.

SALLY Kevin! That's stupid.

KEVIN Maybe, but I've done it.

SALLY _(slowly making up her mind)_ Would it help if...

KEVIN If what?

SALLY... if I came with you?

KEVIN You couldn't!

SALLY Why not?

KEVIN Your own career's just taking off. You can't abandon it now.

SALLY I could - if you wanted me to.

KEVIN Sally, you're marvellous, but you can't.

SALLY Why not? If it's worth giving up yours...

KEVIN It's not that. Don't you see? I'm trying to get away from reminders. You'd remind me of what's happened more than anything else could.

SALLY I hadn't thought of that.

KEVIN I'm sorry.

SALLY Where will you go?

KEVIN I've relatives up in the Highlands. I've arranged to stay with them for a while.

SALLY Is that really wise?

KEVIN Why not?

SALLY You won't have the city bustle to take your mind off your worries.

KEVIN I've usually found that the hills calm my mind.

SALLY Let's hope they do. And after that?

KEVIN I'll see what turns up.

SALLY I'll miss you, Kevin. More than I can say.

KEVIN I'm sorry. I'll miss you, too. Maybe, if I can sort myself out...

SALLY Yes?

KEVIN Oh, it's no use. You'd do better to forget me.

SALLY Now don't start the noble renunciation stuff. You aren't in a romantic novel. It doesn't suit you.

KEVIN You're probably right. You usually are.

SALLY So let's just wait and see how things turn out.

Fade out.

Scene 7

Julian's flat, some weeks later. Julian is preparing for an evening out. The doorbell rings and he answers it.

JULIAN Sally! You just caught me.

SALLY Thank goodness I did. I tried to phone, but couldn't get through.

JULIAN There's a fault on the line. What's up?

SALLY It's about Kevin -

JULIAN You've heard from him?

SALLY Not directly. But about him.

JULIAN Go on.

SALLY You look as though you're going out - do you have time?

JULIAN For this, yes.

SALLY Well, there was a call at the office from the police in Aviemore.

JULIAN The police? What's he been up to?

SALLY There was an avalanche in the Cairngorms yesterday. Did you hear about it?

JULIAN Yes, on the news last night.

SALLY It seems he was one of those caught in it.

JULIAN Is he ...?

SALLY Not dangerously hurt, thank goodness, but a broken ankle and a bit of concussion that left him confused. He didn't have any identification on him, but before he came round they found my business card in his pocket. The editor thinks there's a story in it - apparently he pulled out a couple of tourists who'd have been suffocated otherwise.

JULIAN With a broken ankle?

SALLY I think that must have been in a secondary fall. Anyway, I'm travelling up tomorrow.

JULIAN Will you be all right by yourself? I could ...

SALLY Thanks for the thought. Another time I'd have been glad of company, but as it is...

JULIAN Yes, I understand. Well, thanks for letting me know. Give him my good wishes, and keep me posted. But now...

SALLY Yes, of course. I'll be off - have a good evening!

Blackout

Scene 8

A room in a Scottish B&B. Elsie is fussing around Kevin who is on a settee with one lower leg encased in plaster. He looks very tired and drawn. A few books are on a table beside him. He yawns and picks one of them up, examining it critically.

ELSIE Will you be all right now, Mr. Andrews?

KEVIN Yes, thanks, Mrs. McDonald.

ELSIE Comfortable?

KEVIN As near as I can be.

ELSIE I'm afraid that leg'll hurt for a while.

KEVIN Could be worse.

ELSIE Aye, there'll be some who might well wish they could feel a hurt or two.

KEVIN I'm afraid so.

ELSIE And would have been more but for you, they tell me.

KEVIN I don't really remember much about it. _(He yawns again.)_

ELSIE You'll be needing a rest, I think. Those newspapermen ...

KEVIN Yes. And I hardly slept at all last night.

ELSIE No surprise in that. Well, maybe you will now. Just call out if you need anything \- I shan't be far off.

KEVIN Thanks.

He leafs through the book without much interest. He yawns again, his eyes close and after a few seconds the book slips from his hands. He begins to snore gently. Lights dim to suggest a passage of time. After a little while the snores close with a snort, light returns, and Kevin blinks awake. He starts up, looks around in puzzlement, then realises where he is and relaxes with a relieved smile. Elsie taps gently on the door and enters on tiptoe.

ELSIE Oh, you're awake. I didn't want to disturb you...

KEVIN You didn't, thank you.

ELSIE... only there's a young lady to see you. Shall I ask her to wait?

KEVIN No, let her come in.

ELSIE You're sure you don't mind?

KEVIN Not at all. If it's who I think -

ELSIE She just said she was a friend.

KEVIN Then it probably is. I do want to see her.

Elsie withdraws and ushers Sally in.

SALLY Kevin! Thank goodness you're all right.

KEVIN It's good to see you, Sally. Thanks for coming all this way.

SALLY Actually it's on expenses. The paper wants your story.

KEVIN To hell with the story! It can wait.

SALLY They told me you had a broken ankle, and a good deal of bruising. How do you feel?

KEVIN Marvellous!

SALLY What?

KEVIN Not just marvellous - bloody marvellous!

SALLY That's a bit different from the last time I saw you.

KEVIN I told you a spell in the hills would do me good.

SALLY Yes, but this is ridiculous. What's got into you?

KEVIN I don't know, but it's a lot better than the last time you asked me that question.

SALLY When was that?

KEVIN When I crashed in on you and Dr. Kendrick.

SALLY Ah, so you're giving him his title now. That's an improvement, at least.

KEVIN Never mind that. I was asleep just before you came...

SALLY Yes, I'm sorry to have disturbed you.

KEVIN It's all right, I'd woken up. But I had a really peculiar dream.

SALLY A nightmare? Hardly surprising.

KEVIN No, not like that at all. Well, a bit, at first. It started off with that scene in his place, but then it shifted. I don't know how it was supposed to be, but we were walking along a forest path, talking together. I tried to apologise for what I'd done, but he wasn't having it...

SALLY I'm not surprised. Apologising is hardly enough.

KEVIN No, you've got me wrong. He said I didn't need to. I'd paid my debt with this business in the avalanche.

SALLY That's a thought. So it's forgive and forget, eh?

KEVIN Not forget. He was very hot on that. "Remember never to let jealousy get the better of you again."

SALLY Sounds pretty good advice.

KEVIN _(mischievously)_ So you'd better not give me cause for it, had you?

SALLY Oh, so we're back together, are we?

KEVIN If you'll have me.

SALLY _(teasing)_ I'll have to think about that. Oh, by the way -

KEVIN Yes?

SALLY I don't know what prompted me, but I asked about your job. It's still vacant.

KEVIN That's interesting.

SALLY Oh, Kevin...

KEVIN Yes?

SALLY It's wonderful to have you back again!

She hurls herself at him.

KEVIN Mind my bloody foot!

BLACKOUT

**********

Return to Contents

## FISH OUT OF WATER

Characters: Apart from Orville, Pat and Zenobia, all are passengers.

Anne amiable and considerate associate of Helen.

Brian undercover agent.

Carol Jim's wife, affectionate though inclined to tease.

Dennis a wag among the genuine holidaymakers

Evelyn plain-clothes anti-terrorist.

Freda forthright member of the sextet.

George Brian's assistant.

Helen an undercover agent very interested in Jim.

Iris holidaymaker.

Jim ostensibly a college lecturer, suspected to be a personage incognito.

Karen leader of a musical sextet; not a beauty.

Linda member of the sextet.

Mike a sheep in wolf's clothing, playing up to Yvette.

Nerys member of the sextet.

Orville cruise manager.

Pat UK consular official.

Queenie posing as a thoroughly obnoxious, self-absorbed American bridge fiend.

Ruth holidaymaker.

Sue holidaymaker.

Tom Dept. of Trade & Industry official

Ursula member of the sextet.

Vera member of the sextet.

Walter holidaymaker; an organising type.

Xanthi holidaymaker, reluctant member of Queenie's bridge school

Yvette attractive and mock-flirtatious holidaymaker.

Zenobia Reception clerk; fairly new to the job, bright, patient and efficient but sorely tried at times and not quite _au fait_ with the convention of never showing it.

Set

The reception area aboard the "Onegin Arcadia", a cruise boat on the Rhine. A desk is placed diagonally mid-left with a telephone and a computer or typewriter. One chair is behind it and others wherever convenient near an easel bearing various notices UR. The ship's restaurant is off stage right, the bar lounge off stage left. A door UC leads to a narrow side deck, railed, with access to unseen stairs, and an internal stairway to the cabin deck is unseen DR.

Time

The present.

*****

Opening

Evening. Light music comes softly from the sound system. A distant rumble from the engines is just perceptible enough to be noticed when it changes or stops. Zenobia is seated at the desk busy with an administrative task.

Anne enters right from the restaurant and approaches the desk.

ANNE Excuse me ...

ZENOBIA Yes?

ANNE I'm sorry to be a nuisance, but would it be possible for some of us to change from group A to group B for tomorrow's tour?

ZENOBIA How many will that be?

ANNE Four.

ZENOBIA _(checking a list)_ Yes - that will be perfectly all right. What names?

ANNE Gardner, Thompson, Booth and Schlossberger.

ZENOBIA _(surprised)_ Schlossberger?

ANNE Yes - why?

ZENOBIA She asked to change from B to A.

ANNE When was that?

ZENOBIA Yesterday afternoon.

ANNE Oh, she's evidently changed her mind again today. You know what she's like.

ZENOBIA _(shuddering)_ Yes.

ANNE Well, thank you so much.

ZENOBIA You're welcome.

Anne returns to the restaurant.

Mike with Evelyn, Dennis with Yvette and Walter with Sue enter from the restaurant on their way to the bar in the lounge. Their banter is completely light-hearted.

MIKE The usual, everyone?

Murmurs of assent from everyone but Sue.

SUE Not for me, thanks; I'll just have a bitter lemon.

MIKE Are you sure?

SUE Yes, thanks. I had rather more wine at dinner than I intended.

WALTER You didn't complain at the time.

SUE I'm not complaining now. It was very nice. I just don't want to make a fool of myself.

DENNIS Afraid of making a pass at the captain's sidekick?

YVETTE I wouldn't call that so very foolish. He is rather dishy.

DENNIS I can see I'll have to keep an eye on you.

MIKE Well, it's worth keeping.

YVETTE Thank you, kind sir. And to what do I owe such compliments?

DENNIS He's after something, you can be sure.

YVETTE Well, if it's what you usually have in mind, he isn't going to get it.

MIKE _(mock-melodramatic)_ La belle dame sans merci! Spurned again ... _(Normally)_ Anyway, that's two beers, a gin and tonic, one Grouse, one Kahlua and a bitter lemon. Right?

WALTER I'm glad the right priorities are reasserting themselves

MIKE "A woman is only a woman ..." - what was the rest of it?

DENNIS "But a good cigar is a smoke."

EVELYN Not in here, it isn't. You can do what you like on deck.

DENNIS May I hold you to that?

EVELYN Neither literally nor figuratively. Get away with you!

MIKE A bit off the point anyway. Grab a table, will you? And make sure it's nowhere near that insufferable Schlossberger woman.

He moves off left towards the bar. Evelyn is about to follow but is struck by a thought.

EVELYN Just a moment - what about tomorrow's programme?

WALTER _(who is nearest to the easel)_ It isn't posted yet.

DENNIS Never mind, there'll be plenty of time later on. Come on!

There are no objections and the party moves off left.

Ruth and George enter right, in earnest discussion, together with Iris and Brian. They cross slowly

RUTH... all very well, but I don't see why you don't simply put the stuff back in the reactor to fry it all. It seems the obvious thing.

GEORGE Because it simply wouldn't work - at least, not for most of it. Only about half a dozen elements could really qualify, and there are serious doubts about one of those. You're much better off simply sticking the whole lot down a hole where most of us could forget about it.

BRIAN Better still not making the stuff in the first place.

IRIS For heaven's sake \- do you have to keep talking shop?

GEORGE Sorry – but you did raise the question.

IRIS I wish to goodness I'd kept my mouth shut!

BRIAN We should do more with wind and tide, anyway.

GEORGE Certainly, up to a point. But I'm not going to inflict all that on Iris! If you really want it, I'll send you my notes when we get home.

Brian and George carry on slowly to the bar. Ruth and Iris look casually at the notice board.

RUTH Why on earth do men get so tied up in their boring concerns that they forget everything else?

IRIS They'd probably say much the same about us.

RUTH Surely we don't go on anything like that?

IRIS Haven't you heard Queenie Whatsername after one of her bridge sessions?

RUTH I suppose there has to be an exception to prove the rule.

IRIS Or Karen Pargeter on golf? Linda Williamson on GM crops?

RUTH Oh, all right. Point taken. By the way ...

IRIS What?

RUTH Oh, nothing. Come on - they'll be on their second round if we take much longer.

They move briskly to the bar. Orville enters left and goes to the desk.

ORVILLE Have you got the excursion lists for tomorrow?

ZENOBIA Nearly done. There was a bit of confusion when one party changed its mind.

ORVILLE Any problem?

ZENOBIA No, there was enough slack to take it. I'll be just a few minutes - barring any other snags.

ORVILLE Thanks, Zenobia.

He heads for the door UC. Queenie has entered from the bar and is hovering.

QUEENIE _(penetratingly American)_ Say, is Zenobia really your name?

ZENOBIA Yes, but most people just call me Zena. What can I do for you?

QUEENIE It's about the noise in the lounge - can't something be done about it?

ZENOBIA There were supposed to be sound-proofing tiles on the ceiling, but the refitting was running late and that job had to be put off. I'm sorry.

QUEENIE But in our bridge school we can't hear the bids. We can't hardly hear ourselves think, in fact.

ZENOBIA I suppose we might ask the dining room staff to clear a table for you in there.

QUEENIE That's no good \- the tables are the wrong shape. Can't you just ask people to be quiet while we're playing?

ZENOBIA I doubt if they would - at least, not for any length of time. It is a public room, after all.

QUEENIE I'd have thought they might have had more consideration.

ZENOBIA Have you thought - would you put yourself out for them?

QUEENIE That's different - we don't disturb anyone.

ZENOBIA Some people were very cross about your calling during the concert last night.

QUEENIE Well, we had to raise our voices to make ourselves heard over the caterwauling. Why shouldn't we?

ZENOBIA Quite a lot of people wanted to hear the music. Perhaps they thought you might have had more consideration.

QUEENIE We've paid good money for this cruise and we don't expect it to be spoiled by other people.

ZENOBIA Yes, of course. But so have the other passengers.

QUEENIE See here, young woman, I don't like your attitude.

ZENOBIA I'm sorry, Mrs. Schlossberger. Perhaps you'd like to lodge an official complaint.

QUEENIE You know, I think I may very well do just that.

She sweeps off indignantly leaving Zenobia rather agitated.

Orville returns.

ORVILLE Those lists –

ZENOBIA What? Oh, yes ...

ORVILLE Is something the matter?

ZENOBIA Oh, it's nothing.

ORVILLE Come on, out with it.

ZENOBIA All right. It's that dreadful Mrs. Schlossberger again.

ORVILLE I might have guessed. What's she on about this time?

ZENOBIA She was complaining about the noise level in the lounge - wants everyone else to shut up while her party's playing bridge.

ORVILLE Good lord!

ZENOBIA Honestly, I've met arrogance before, and some pretty extreme examples, but she takes the biscuit.

ORVILLE I'd say the whole packet.

ZENOBIA And then - I know we agreed to let it rest, but I let it slip out that other people were angry at her spoiling the concert.

ORVILLE How did she react to that?

ZENOBIA As you might expect - it was everyone else's fault.

ORVILLE Typical!

ZENOBIA I'm afraid there's going to be trouble.

ORVILLE What sort?

ZENOBIA She complained of my attitude, and I suggested she should make it official. She said she probably would.

ORVILLE Well, we are supposed to be tactful with even the most awkward customers, but that woman goes beyond all reason. If she does put in a complaint, make sure it comes to me - I'll know what to do with it.

ZENOBIA Thanks. I'm sorry to be making difficulties for you.

ORVILLE Dealing with difficulties is what I'm paid for. And life could be very boring without them!

ZENOBIA No fear of that!

Enter Anne, Helen and Xanthi from the restaurant.

HELEN Well, here goes.

XANTHI I hope we won't have another do like last night. It was so embarrassing - I didn't know where to put myself.

ANNE I know how you feel. But we'd better get a move on. Queenie will be getting impatient.

XANTHI Getting? She always is.

HELEN It won't do her any harm to wait a bit. I must have a word with the girl at Reception.

XANTHI Is there anything new on the notice board? I've left my glasses in the cabin.

ANNE I don't think so.

HELEN _(to Zenobia)_ Excuse me ...

ZENOBIA Yes?

HELEN I'm sorry to disturb you ...

ZENOBIA It's quite all right. How can I help you?

HELEN It's about last night. I believe our carrying on with the bridge game during the concert caused some resentment.

ZENOBIA Well - yes, I'm afraid it did.

HELEN We tend to get carried away, I'm afraid. Is there any way we can apologise to everyone without making too much of a song and dance about it?

ZENOBIA Hmm - I don't think that's really necessary. But it probably would be appreciated if you could keep your voices down in future.

HELEN Well, we can try \- not that I think there's much chance with you-know-who. But I really think we should do something more positive to make peace. If we were to draft a little note, could you type and copy it? - I know it would make more work for you -

ZENOBIA Work is what I'm here for.

HELEN That's very kind of you. Though one for every cabin seems an awful lot ...

ZENOBIA We could put one on every table in the restaurant.

HELEN Oh, excellent. Thank you so much.

ZENOBIA You're welcome.

Helen returns to Anne and Xanthi.

XANTHI Well?

HELEN If we draft an apology for the disturbance we caused last night, she'll get it distributed.

ANNE What sort of apology?

HELEN That's up to us. I think fairly informal ...

Enter Queenie left.

QUEENIE What the hell are you three playing at? I was beginning to think you'd gone overboard.

HELEN We were thinking about an apology to the rest of the passengers ...

QUEENIE Apology? What do you want to apologise for?

XANTHI For making so much noise during the concert last night.

QUEENIE It was nothing to the noise those so-called entertainers were making.

ANNE No, but other people wanted to listen to them, not to us.

QUEENIE Huh! There's nothing to stop you apologising if you think you must, but you're fools if you do. And if you think I'm going to do anything of the sort you've got another think coming.

ANNE But surely ...

QUEENIE You have to insist on your rights. No one else will do it for you.

HELEN I don't think there is a right to disturb other people's enjoyment.

QUEENIE Who was making the disturbance in the first place? Come on! If we don't get back there someone else will have grabbed our table.

HELEN Well, will you at least try to keep your voice down?

QUEENIE Why on earth should I?

XANTHI _(goaded too far)_ Because you're a pain in the neck!

The other three are thunderstruck.

QUEENIE What!!!?

XANTHI I'm sick of this whole bridge business. I don't even like the game particularly \- I only joined in because you needed someone to make up the foursome, and now you've upset everyone else on the boat with your appalling behaviour I want nothing more to do with it. I'd be far happier reading a book.

ANNE Phew!

QUEENIE But Xanthi ... I don't understand. Helen, can't you persuade her?

HELEN I doubt it. In fact I don't think I want to. If I'd had the guts I'd probably have said much the same myself.

QUEENIE But why ... ?

HELEN How about a quiet game of Scrabble?

ANNE Suits me.

QUEENIE _(incredulous)_ Scrabble! What the devil's come over you?

HELEN Queenie, I don't want to be offensive, but you seem to be missing the point. Have you ever tried to see yourself as you appear to other people?

QUEENIE No, I'm not interested. Why should I be?

HELEN You do make it difficult! I don't suppose it's ever occurred to you, but you really should try to understand that the rest of the world doesn't revolve around bridge.

QUEENIE But what else ...?

HELEN _(finally snapping)_ Nor, if it comes to that, around you.

Queenie is temporarily dumbstruck by these heresies and collapses into a chair. The other three move to the bar. Zenobia notices and comes solicitously to her aid.

ZENOBIA Are you all right, Mrs. Schlossberger?

QUEENIE _(vaguely)_ What?

ZENOBIA Do you need any help? Can I get you something?

QUEENIE _(recovering herself)_ No, I do not, and you cannot. If you think by trying to ingratiate yourself you can get out of ...

Orville approaches.

ORVILLE Is anything the matter, Mrs. Schlossberger?

QUEENIE I'll thank you not to butt into what doesn't concern you, young man.

ORVILLE But anything that upsets passengers on this ship does concern me. What's the problem?

QUEENIE Oh ... Get knotted, the whole damn lot of you!

She stalks off to the bar.

ZENOBIA What can you do with her?

ORVILLE Short of putting cyanide in her coffee, very little, I'm afraid.

ZENOBIA I wonder no one's done it. But I suppose there's time yet.

ORVILLE Now don't wish that on us! The last thing we want is a police investigation.

ZENOBIA Why, is there something ... ?

ORVILLE No, nothing to interest them. But it would completely disrupt the cruise. And if we do have Hercule Poirot on board to clear it up he's very well disguised.

ZENOBIA We might have a Miss Marple.

ORVILLE Now that should provide you with a little harmless amusement - working out which of the crowd it might be.

ZENOBIA I wonder ...

ORVILLE What?

ZENOBIA We were going to have another concert from the sextet, but after last night I can't see them wanting to risk a repetition.

ORVILLE So?

ZENOBIA How about a competition to identify Miss Marple?

ORVILLE Hmm. Instead of find the murderer, find the sleuth? It's an idea. How would you work it?

ZENOBIA I hadn't thought it out. It was only a silly comment.

ORVILLE Maybe not so silly. Fancy working it up a bit?

ZENOBIA All right. I'll see what I can do.

Enter Tom right.

TOM Excuse me...

ORVILLE Yes?

TOM Are you busy?

ORVILLE Not particularly. Why?

TOM It's only a trivial point –

ORVILLE Never mind – it'll probably make a pleasant change from the more serious ones.

TOM Well, I overheard someone mention that there was a descendant of the line's founder on board, as one of the crew. Is that right?

ORVILLE Yes, as it happens. It's Grigori, the barman on duty tonight.

TOM Ah.

ORVILLE Why the interest – if you don't mind my asking?

TOM Well, I suppose that makes him a slightly more distant descendant of the legendary Eugene Onegin.

ORVILLE Yes, but I still don't see why –

TOM It's just something I'm contemplating.

Enter Jim from the restaurant.

TOM Oh, Jim, have you a moment? _(To Orville)_ I'll tell you more if it comes to anything.

JIM What? Oh, yes; what is it?

ORVILLE _(to Zenobia)_ Very odd. I wonder what all that's about.

ZENOBIA It looks as though you'll just have to wonder for the time being.

Exit Orville DR.

TOM _(taking Jim aside)_ I'd like you to treat this as confidential for the present.

JIM Yes, of course. What is it?

TOM You've probably heard that the Government's setting up a public consultation on fisheries policy.

JIM Well, yes. It was on the news only last week. But I don't see what it has to do with me.

TOM I'm coming to that. Now I know we've only been acquainted for a couple of days, but you've struck me as having a lot of common sense. Would you care to be on the committee being set up to handle the consultation?

JIM What!!?

TOM It would only mean a half day meeting every couple of weeks for about three months. And there's a nice little honorarium - not that it signifies, of course.

JIM But I don't know the first thing about fisheries!

TOM Excellent. That's the one essential qualification. And of course your position would look good on the reports.

JIM I don't understand ...

TOM It's quite simple. People who know anything substantial about the subject might come up with the wrong conclusion, so naturally we want people who don't \- they'll have an open mind.

JIM I dare say, but there's a difference between an open mind and one completely blank. And what's the point of having a public consultation if you've already made up your mind on the result?

TOM To get a whole range of opinions. One of them's bound to be more or less the same as has been decided - close enough to tweak into it, at any rate. Then at the end of the period we announce that as the conclusion, with a few added bells and whistles that the Civil Service will provide, and Bob's your uncle.

JIM So that's how it's done. Well, I can't say that a little extra pocket money would be unwelcome ... How much, as a matter of interest?

TOM Only nominal, I'm afraid. Ten thousand. Plus expenses, of course.

JIM Ten thousand! That's ...

TOM I'm sorry it's so paltry. But the department's having an economy drive at present. Anyway, I'll speak to you later about it.

Tom goes towards the bar. Carol has emerged from the restaurant and overheard something of the conversation.

CAROL What was all that about?

JIM _(bemused)_ He's just offered me ten thousand quid for three months' occasional work on a Government committee.

CAROL There must be some mistake, surely. What committee?

JIM Something to do with fisheries policy.

CAROL But you don't know anything about it - do you?

Helen comes from the bar with a slip of paper that she takes to the desk and discusses inaudibly with Zenobia. Hearing something of the following conversation she takes notice and returns rather more urgently to the bar.

JIM Not a thing. But he said that was what was wanted. Keeping an open mind and all that.

CAROL Sounds fishy to me.

JIM Carol!

CAROL Sorry, it just slipped out. But the people on these committees - they may not be specialists in the subject, but they're usually distinguished in some field or other. And I don't mean to disparage you, dear, but being a redundant lecturer isn't all that great a distinction.

JIM Hmm. He said something about my position looking good on reports. You don't think he could have mistaken me for someone else, do you?

CAROL It looks rather like it. But who?

JIM How should I know? I'm not a mind-reader.

CAROL Well, I should play him along if I were you. We could use that ten thousand.

Helen returns with Anne.

JIM I know. But when he finds out ...

CAROL Who says he's going to?

HELEN _(quietly)_ Excuse me, Sir Charles ... _(Jim takes no notice. More loudly)_ Excuse me.

JIM What?

HELEN I don't mean to blow your incognito, but we weren't told what name you were using.

JIM What the dickens are you talking about?

HELEN Oh, I'm sorry ... My mistake. _(Sotto voce)_ Right, we'll keep up the pretence. But we must speak with you - in private. _(She scribbles a brief note on a slip of paper and surreptitiously slips it into his pocket)_.

CAROL What is all this?

HELEN Just a case of mistaken identity, I'm afraid. I'm sorry to have bothered you. Come on, Anne.

Helen and Anne exit UC.

CAROL What on earth's going on?

JIM _(ironic)_ Search me.

She does, and retrieves Helen's note.

CAROL "Cabin 206, nine o'clock." Why, you two-timing rat!

JIM Honestly, Carol, I don't understand it any more than you do.

CAROL That's what they all say.

JIM Who do?

CAROL Philanderers when they're found out.

JIM But I've never seen the woman before this holiday!

CAROL All right, I was only joking. But it's the standard response, isn't it? Though frankly I can't see you being that quick off the mark.

JIM Thank goodness for that!

CAROL And Phil Anders or whoever he is would probably be less obvious. What are you going to do about it?

JIM I don't know. What do you think?

CAROL It's peculiar, but I'm interested. I think you should keep the assignation.

JIM Are you sure?

CAROL Yes. But I'm coming too! What's the time now?

JIM Ten to nine.

CAROL Then we'd better get our drinks and be on our way.

Jim and Carol exit to the bar. Karen, Vera, Nerys, Ursula, Linda and Freda enter from the restaurant and approach the desk. During the following conversation, Karen surreptitiously puts an envelope on the desk.

ZENOBIA Good evening, ladies. What can I do for you?

KAREN Er - I'm afraid this is a bit embarrassing -

ZENOBIA Oh?

KAREN It's about tomorrow evening. - we were going to give another recital, you remember.

ZENOBIA Of course ...

KAREN But after last night -

VERA It really was intolerable.

NERYS It was quite impossible to concentrate. How we ever managed to keep together goodness only knows.

URSULA I'm afraid I didn't at times.

LINDA Didn't you? I didn't notice.

VERA I did - but they were tricky bits anyway.

ZENOBIA Ladies -

KAREN I'm sorry, we're wasting your time. The point is - I'm sorry -

FREDA For goodness' sake stop beating about the bush. The point is that we simply can't perform again under those conditions or anything like them.

KAREN Quite. I'm dreadfully sorry to let you down, but in the circumstances ...

ZENOBIA Please don't worry about it. I was talking to Orville about it earlier - we can't expect you to put up with that sort of background again.

KAREN Ah.

ZENOBIA Actually three of the bridge party were very embarrassed and apologetic about it.

FREDA I should hope so \- and I can guess who the odd one is.

LINDA It isn't exactly a Mastermind question.

URSULA We don't like letting people down ...

ZENOBIA Of course you don't. That's understood.

URSULA But can you find anything else to fill the slot?

ZENOBIA Maybe. But it isn't the end of the world if we don't. Please don't worry about it.

KAREN Thanks for being so understanding. It's a great relief.

The sextet troops off to the lounge.

ORVILLE It looks as though we may need your "Find the sleuth" game.

ZENOBIA I'll try to work something out.

George and Brian enter from the lounge.

GEORGE Damn - missed them.

BRIAN Can't be by much. Did you manage to set up that bug?

GEORGE Yes, on the party wall in 208, back of the closet. Someone left the door open to visit another cabin. We should pick up anything that's going on in 206.

BRIAN Good. Better go and monitor it. I'll keep an eye on Schlossberger.

They leave, Brian left, George DR. Tom enters right and approaches the desk.

TOM Have you a moment, Zena?

ZENOBIA Yes, certainly.

TOM I hear that the plans for tomorrow's entertainment have fallen through.

ZENOBIA Yes, I'm afraid so. The sextet felt that they couldn't perform adequately in the conditions - you know what last night was like.

TOM The wonder is they carried on as they did. Well, I've an idea for a little alternative.

ZENOBIA That could be very helpful. What is it?

TOM You remember I was asking earlier about Grigori?

ZENOBIA About his being one of the Onegins, yes.

TOM And I'm sure you know Pushkin's piece about the egregious Eugene, or at least the opera that was made out of it.

ZENOBIA Only in outline, I'm afraid.

TOM The bit about his fatal duel with Lensky, at any rate.

ZENOBIA Yes, but ...?

TOM Well, Lensky wasn't quite the innocent that people suppose. In fact he had an illegitimate daughter.

ZENOBIA _(not very interested)_ Oh?

TOM And to cut a long story short, I'm a fairly distant descendant of hers. I've had a word with Grigori, and I gather tomorrow's his day off. He's quite willing, as a bit of amusement, to have a kind of spoof duel that may or may not even the score.

ZENOBIA By spoof, I hope you mean without lethal weapons?

TOM Of course. No weapons, no injuries, no mess on the floor - at least, none that can't easily be cleared up.

ZENOBIA That's a relief! What sort of duel, then?

TOM A battle with paper darts - see who can get the most into a suitable receptacle. And after we've done our bit, anyone who feels like it can have a go.

ZENOBIA Hmm - sounds a possibility. I'll have a word with Orville about it. Thanks for the suggestion.

TOM You're welcome.

Jim and Carol enter DR.

TOM Hello, returning to the fray?

CAROL Yes, I fancy a nightcap. Will you join us?

TOM Thanks, but will you excuse me? I've a little problem that needs some attention.

JIM Nothing serious, I hope?

TOM Fortunately not, but thank you. By the way, have you thought about that little matter we were discussing earlier?

JIM Yes, but I'm still thinking.

TOM No desperate hurry. Good night.

Exit DR. Tom and Carol head for the bar but ...

ZENOBIA Oh, Mr. Cartwright ...

JIM Yes?

ZENOBIA There's an envelope here addressed to you.

JIM Oh? Who from?

ZENOBIA I've only just noticed it. I think Miss Pargeter must have left it a few minutes ago.

JIM Without comment?

ZENOBIA She didn't say anything about it. But then she had something else on her mind. Of course I can't be sure it was her.

CAROL How many women do you have chasing you?

JIM Now don't start that again. It's getting embarrassing.

CAROL I wonder why you've suddenly become attractive to so many of them.

JIM Come off it. Helen was only interested in business. We've no idea what this is about. And in any case, two hardly amount to "so many."

CAROL Don't forget me.

JIM You're not chasing \- you bagged me long ago.

CAROL That may not stop you wriggling.

JIM You needn't worry. I don't even know who Miss Pargeter is.

ZENOBIA She leads the sextet that performed last night.

CAROL Oh, it's Karen. I didn't know her surname.

ZENOBIA Yes.

CAROL Well, you're right. I don't think I do need worry too much there.

JIM Miaow!

CAROL Miaow yourself. You weren't any too flattering last night. Anyway, what's in that envelope?

JIM It's addressed only to me.

CAROL Don't give me that. Come on, open up!

Jim opens the envelope, takes out a single sheet of paper and looks startled.

JIM It's marked "Confidential."

CAROL Let me see.

JIM Not here, I think.

_He returns the sheet to the envelope, p_ o _ckets it, and they depart to the bar. George enters DR and heads for the bar but bumps into Brian emerging from it._

BRIAN Ah, there you are. Any luck?

GEORGE Total washout, I'm afraid.

BRIAN What went wrong?

GEORGE I dunno. All I got was a buzzing noise. Well, practically all.

BRIAN Practically?

GEORGE There were women's voices in the background, but nothing intelligible.

BRIAN Win some, lose some. Come and have a drink.

Both leave left. Enter Orville DR.

ORVILLE Have you had a chance to finish those lists?

ZENOBIA Yes, here they are.

ORVILLE Thanks.

He posts them on the easel. A moment later the engine sound slackens enough for him to notice.

ORVILLE Hello ...

ZENOBIA What?

ORVILLE We're slowing down.

ZENOBIA Coming to a lock?

ORVILLE Shouldn't be - we're not due for another couple of hours or so. I'll nip up to the bridge and see what's happening.

Exit UC. Enter Brian left.

BRIAN We seem to be slowing down.

ZENOBIA Yes. Orville's just gone to find out why.

BRIAN Something untoward, then.

ZENOBIA It looks like it.

The telephone rings and Zenobia answers.

ZENOBIA Reception ... No, he's just gone up to the bridge ... I see. Right. _(Replacing the receiver)_ Damn!

BRIAN Problems?

ZENOBIA Yes. Orville's getting briefed about them. He'll explain in a few minutes.

Nerys enters from the bar.

NERYS People are saying that something's wrong. What's happening?

ZENOBIA I'm not sure, but it's nothing directly affecting the ship. Orville's gone to find out - he shouldn't be long.

An assorted crowd emerges from the bar and mills around in a confused hubbub. Queenie's voice inevitably rises above it.

QUEENIE What the hell's going on, that's what I want to know.

ZENOBIA We all do, but if you'll try to be patient for a moment ...

QUEENIE Patient? Why should I be patient? We've a right to know.

ZENOBIA You will, as soon as we have anything to tell you.

Orville enters UC and has almost to fight his way to the desk. He uses a mobile phone as roving microphone for the public address system.

ORVILLE Can I have your attention, please, ladies and gentlemen? _(The noise gradually subsides)_ Thank you. You've probably noticed that the ship has slowed down - in fact, we've all but stopped. If you've looked at the river ahead you'll have seen an unusual cluster of lights; there's a kind of traffic jam.

BRIAN Why? What's happening?

ORVILLE It seems that a barge about ten miles ahead was badly loaded, the cargo shifted, and with the resulting damage the vessel sank.

GEORGE Can't we get past it? Surely the river's wide enough.

ORVILLE That's true, but much of it is shallow. The barge skipper apparently tried to get out of the deep channel when he realised he was going down, but when the bow struck, the current swung the stern round and the wreck lies cross-ways.

TOM Right across?

ORVILLE Practically. Small craft can get by, but nothing this size.

FREDA So we're stuck?

ORVILLE Not quite. We're going slowly ahead, and the river authorities are bringing up a lifting vessel in the hope of swinging the stern of the wreck far enough to allow one-way traffic, but it's going to take time. Those things can't move fast. And of course even then we'll have to wait at times for traffic coming the other way - probably at reduced speed.

HELEN So what about tomorrow's programme?

ORVILLE Washed out, I'm afraid. There's no chance at all of docking as we intended. We shall of course refund the cost of any excursions that have to be cancelled. I don't expect any more news tonight, but if I hear anything definite at a reasonable hour, I'll let you know. Thank you.

Most of the crowd disperses, except Queenie.

ORVILLE Well, Zenobia, it looks as though we'll need all the ideas for entertainment that we can get. Better work up your "Spot the sleuth" idea.

ZENOBIA Do you think it'll be more than a day's delay?

ORVILLE I didn't like to say, but we'll be lucky if it isn't. Keep quiet unless people ask.

ZENOBIA Right.

QUEENIE _(quietly)_ Excuse me ...

ORVILLE Yes?

QUEENIE Do you know what happened to the barge crew?

ORVILLE They've been taken off. They were never in any real danger - didn't even get their feet wet, apparently.

QUEENIE Oh, good. Thank you. Good night.

ORVILLE Good night.

He turns to Zenobia, then suddenly registers the incongruity and stares in astonishment after Queenie as she leaves DR.

ORVILLE Good lord!

Lights and engine sound fade out.

Fade in the next morning. The engine rumble has ceased. Orville and Zenobia are still at the desk. Enter Karen DR.

KAREN I say - you haven't been here all night, have you?

ORVILLE No, it just feels like it. Actually we packed up not long after the big announcement.

KAREN Is there any news?

ORVILLE Afraid not. None that I've heard, anyway. You probably realised we've anchored.

KAREN Yes, I heard the racket. No point in wasting fuel if we aren't going anywhere, I suppose.

ORVILLE Exactly. Sorry if it disturbed you.

KAREN Couldn't be helped. But we were thinking - with not docking, and I don't suppose there's any chance of being ferried ashore ...

ORVILLE Not really. There's nothing for you along this stretch anyway.

KAREN It does look pretty industrial. ... so with people being at a loose end on board it would really be rather inconsiderate not to have this evening's recital, for all that we said last night; would you like to reinstate it?

ORVILLE That would be very helpful - thanks very much.

ZENOBIA Actually ...

KAREN Yes?

ZENOBIA I think the bridge school's broken up, so you shouldn't have the same problem.

ORVILLE Unless Mrs. Schlossberger manages to assemble another coterie.

ZENOBIA From what people have said it doesn't seem very likely. I've never known anyone to make herself quite so unpopular in so short a time - that's just between ourselves, of course.

KAREN Of course. You might almost think she was doing it deliberately. Anyway, I think I hear the others coming - I mustn't disturb you any longer.

Exit right to the restaurant. Vera, Ursula and Linda enter DR chattering inconsequentially and follow, exchanging brief greetings with Orville and Zenobia in passing.

ORVILLE "Doing it deliberately" ... I wonder.

ZENOBIA What?

ORVILLE Sorry - I was talking to myself.

ZENOBIA Careful - you know what they say!

ORVILLE Yes. But I wonder if Miss Pargeter could have had something there. Did you notice last night ... ?

ZENOBIA What?

ORVILLE After the announcement about the hold-up, no one showed the slightest concern for anything but their own interests - except one.

ZENOBIA Mrs. Schlossberger.

ORVILLE Yes. She of all people the only one to show any thought for the people actually involved in the accident. Extraordinary.

ZENOBIA You think she's putting on an act for some reason?

ORVILLE Maybe. Goodness knows why. And there are one or two other odd things going on aboard this boat.

ZENOBIA That mystery around Mr. Cartwright, you mean?

ORVILLE That's one of them. I think perhaps you'd better identify your Miss Marple fairly quickly.

Freda and Nerys enter DR and approach the desk.

FREDA Good morning, Zena. Any news?

ZENOBIA Nothing so far, I'm afraid. Mind you, I expect every effort will be made to clear the channel quickly - an awful lot of traffic is being held up.

FREDA I suppose so. There's one other thing ...

ZENOBIA Yes?

FREDA I think someone's been poking around in our cabin.

ZENOBIA Oh?

FREDA When I went to get something from the closet last night, I found this stuck to the back wall behind some clothing. I don't remember its being there before.

She hands over the bug placed by George the previous evening.

ZENOBIA What is it?

ORVILLE May I see? _(Zenobia passes it to him)_ Hmm. I think it might be some kind of eavesdropping device. Was anything missing?

FREDA I don't think so. I've checked everything of any value.

ORVILLE You say you don't remember it before?

FREDA I'm pretty sure it wasn't there when I unpacked, or I'd have noticed.

ORVILLE That's worrying. Better be a bit careful about locking when you're out.

FREDA Right.

NERYS Come on - I want my breakfast!

FREDA Sorry -

They move to the restaurant.

ZENOBIA Should we issue a general warning? In case anyone does lose something?

ORVILLE It's a thought. Better not make an issue of it, though - don't want to start a panic, along with all our other worries.

ZENOBIA Legally, I think we'd be covered by the note in the ship's information leaflet.

ORVILLE Leave it at that, then, unless something else crops up.

Enter Jim and Carol DR.

JIM Morning, Zena - Orville. No news, I suppose?

ORVILLE I'm afraid not. Though the lifting vessel should be getting pretty close by now.

CAROL And how long after ... ?

ORVILLE There's no telling. It depends on how the wreck's lying. Sometimes the only way is to retrieve the cargo and dismantle the hull.

JIM But that could take ages!

ORVILLE They're pretty nifty at it, I'm told. But it would certainly mean more delay. Let's hope it isn't necessary.

JIM So this is a fairly regular occurrence?

ORVILLE Two or three times a year, apparently. So procedures are well established.

Enter Evelyn DR.

EVELYN Good morning, Mr. Cartwright.

JIM Oh - morning.

EVELYN May I have a word with you?

JIM Yes, certainly. You'd better get your breakfast, Carol.

EVELYN Actually this concerns both of you. _(She draws them aside; sotto voce)_ I don't want to worry you, Sir Charles, but ...

JIM Look here, this is getting monotonous. What on earth is all this "Sir Charles" business?

EVELYN Yes, yes, I know you have to keep up the incognito, but this is rather urgent. We've established that the kidnap gang is fairly definitely aboard -

CAROL Kidnap gang?

EVELYN Sh! - but we're not quite sure who it may be.

JIM It's getting more than monotonous now - positively ridiculous!

EVELYN I'm afraid our intelligence isn't as good as it might be.

JIM _(with feeling)_ You can say that again!

CAROL No, remember - _(in a cod French accent)_ "I shall say this only once!"

EVELYN Please, be serious!

JIM How the hell can we take all this nonsense seriously?

EVELYN All right, keep up the pretence. It won't do any harm - but I doubt if it'll do any good.

CAROL What's the use of arguing, Jim? No one believes you.

George and Ursula enter DR and go quietly to the desk.

JIM All right. Just for the sake of argument - What did you want to tell us?

EVELYN Nothing specific -

CAROL After all that!

EVELYN _(ignoring her)_ \- just a general warning. With the ship at anchor you're more vulnerable - it would be much easier to get you off than when we're under way. It may be that the hold-up has been deliberately engineered for that purpose -

CAROL This is getting worse than ridiculous!

EVELYN - and I noticed a couple of suspicious-looking approaches last night.

JIM What, Helen Booth and Tom Grainger? One of them was giving us much the same warning as yours -

EVELYN Which one was that?

JIM Helen.

EVELYN Well, it might be genuine - the department's motto does seem to be "Let not thy left hand know what the right doeth." But it might be a ploy. And the other?

JIM Tom was offering me a job.

EVELYN Ah. I should be particularly careful of that. Well, enjoy your breakfast - but keep your eyes open.

Exit DR. George and Ursula cross to Jim.

GEORGE Excuse me ...

JIM Oh, not another one!

GEORGE I'm sorry?

JIM _(repentant)_ No, it's I who should be sorry. For the rudeness. It's just that I keep getting accosted ...

GEORGE The price of celebrity, I'm afraid.

JIM But ...

CAROL Remember - no one believes it.

GEORGE _(mystified)_ Eh?

JIM Just something between Carol and me. Is this another warning?

GEORGE You've had some already?

JIM I'm losing count.

GEORGE Well, be careful. I don't think all these people are as innocent as they seem.

CAROL What do you mean?

GEORGE Some of the warnings may be just to misdirect your caution.

JIM In other words, don't trust anyone?

GEORGE That's about it. I can't tell you anything more definite.

CAROL So can we get our breakfast now? I'm ravenous.

GEORGE Then enjoy it!

Carol and Jim move towards the restaurant, in that order. A paper dart sails out of the lounge and Tom follows to retrieve it.

ORVILLE Practising for the duel?

TOM Partly that, partly checking what sort of range would be sensible.

ZENOBIA Does Grigori know you're stealing a march on him?

TOM Being descended from a bastard doesn't mean I have to behave like one! We're doing this together. Oh, Jim!

JIM _(turning back)_ Yes?

TOM Are you still thinking about you know what?

JIM On reflection I think better not. But thanks for the offer, all the same.

TOM Is that definite?

JIM Yes. Sorry.

TOM Well, it was worth trying.

Jim continues to the restaurant.

TOM Oh, Orville, for the time being we've got a packing case for use as a target, but it isn't terribly sightly. Is there anything that would be a bit more dignified for the actual occasion?

ORVILLE How big should it be?

TOM Well, the case is roughly a couple of feet square.

ORVILLE I can't think of anything that might serve any better. Tell you what, though ...

TOM Yes?

ORVILLE One of the deck hands is good at making decorations. I could ask him to tart the case up a bit.

TOM That sounds as good as anything. Thanks.

Exit to the lounge.

GEORGE What was all that about?

ORVILLE He suggested a kind of darts match as a form of entertainment and to settle some kind of family feud.

The desk telephone rings and Zenobia answers.

ZENOBIA Reception ... Yes ... Oh, I see. He's having his breakfast just now - I think we should be able to get him quite quickly ... _(to Orville)_ Telephone call for Mr. Cartwright ...

GEORGE I'm going in - shall I tell him?

ZENOBIA Thank you. It's rather urgent.

GEORGE Right.

Exit to restaurant.

ZENOBIA It's the consulate.

ORVILLE Something to do with whatever funny business is going on?

ZENOBIA They said it was personal.

ORVILLE That could mean quite a lot of things.

Enter Jim right, chewing a mouthful of toast.

ZENOBIA I'm sorry to interrupt your breakfast ...

JIM Quite all right. Mr. Farrell said it was supposed to be urgent. _(Taking the telephone)_ Hello? ... Yes ... I see; how serious? ... Right. Full marks for efficiency. Thank you. 'Bye. _(Replacing the receiver)_ I'm afraid that means more disturbance ...

Enter Carol right

CAROL What is it, dear?

JIM It's mother - she had a severe stroke during the night - isn't expected to last the day. _(To Orville)_ They're sending a boat to take me off - can you tidy up any loose ends here?

ORVILLE Of course. I'm sorry about your mother ...

JIM Thanks, but it isn't altogether unexpected. She's had a nasty do before.

ORVILLE You'll both be going, I suppose?

JIM _(glancing at Carol, who shakes her head)_ No, she and Carol could never get on. Best I go by myself. And now I'd better throw some luggage together.

Exit DR.

ORVILLE I can't say I'm used to this sort of situation - thank goodness - but the consulate does seem to be pulling out the stops more enthusiastically than I'd expect.

CAROL Well, Jim's brother has a few strings and doesn't mind pulling them.

ORVILLE Not what you know but who you know, eh?

CAROL Something like that. I'd better go and make sure that he hasn't forgotten anything vital.

Exit DR. A launch is heard approaching, coming alongside and stopping with engine idling. A slight bump is followed by the appearance of Pat UC carrying a bundle of newspapers.

PAT Hello, I'm from the consulate.

ZENOBIA Yes, we were expecting you. Mr. Cartwright isn't quite ready yet - shall I give him a ring to hurry up?

PAT No, there's no desperate hurry. By the way, with your being stuck here, I thought you might like to have some of today's papers that came in on the morning flight.

ZENOBIA That's a kind thought. I'm sure our people will be very grateful.

PAT They'll have to share, I'm afraid.

ZENOBIA Of course. I'll make an announcement. _(On the PA system)_ Can I have your attention, please. I'm sorry there's still no definite news of the hold-up, but by courtesy of the consulate we have some of today's British newspapers at the reception desk. As there are only a few, please don't take them away.

Mike, Sue, Walter, Dennis, Yvette and Evelyn are already entering DR heading for the restaurant, but divert towards the desk.

WALTER What have we got here? Telegraph, Times - of course - Guardian, Mail and Express.

He picks one and moves slightly away from the desk. During his reading, other passengers enter and hover, listening.

DENNIS Has it got the Test score?

SUE _(to Mike)_ If your head's really bad, Zena may have some aspirin.

MIKE It usually upsets my stomach. Don't worry, I'll survive.

WALTER Hey, look at this!

DENNIS What?

WALTER A photo of someone who looks a bit like that Cartwright chap.

YVETTE What about him?

EVELYN Read it out, Walter.

WALTER All right. "The millionaire industrialist Sir Charles Carter was attacked last night outside his home in Bromley. One of the assailants was armed but was thwarted by Sir Charles's dog Pickles, which bit him and caused an accidental discharge of the firearm, wounding the accomplice. Both are now under police guard in hospital." These muggings are getting altogether too much!

SUE _(looking from one side)_ There's a bit more.

WALTER Oh, yes. "Sir Charles is due to attend crucial talks on the continent about a rescue package for the vast Broadarch assembly plant, which is vital to the economy of the area, and the attack is suspected to be the work of criminal gangs that have shown signs of wanting to take over the town for their own purposes. Asked if this would affect his plans Sir Charles said it would not, as he had suffered only superficial facial injuries and the meeting was not a beauty competition."

YVETTE Shows a healthy sense of humour, at any rate. How badly was he hurt?

WALTER Can't see. The photo isn't really all that good.

SUE Nice one of the dog, though.

MIKE There would be. Anything else?

WALTER _(cursorily scanning the pages)_ Nothing much ... another politician caught with his pants down ...

EVELYN Come on, I want my breakfast!

WALTER Right-oh. _(Returning the paper to the desk)_ Thanks, Zena.

Queenie enters DR and heads for the desk, then notices Pat.

QUEENIE Pat McCarthy! What on earth are you doing here?

PAT Just running an errand. Collecting a passenger with a domestic emergency.

QUEENIE Ah, yes. I heard about that.

PAT And you?

QUEENIE _(moving him away from the desk)_ Keeping an eye on the Carter look-alike.

PAT Has he twigged?

QUEENIE I doubt it - too much competition. I've spotted people from DEFRA, the DTI, Metropolitan Police, MI6 - and they're just the ones I remember seeing somewhere before. Goodness knows who else, and how many others if there'd been more vacancies on the cruise.

PAT Might any of them remember you?

QUEENIE I doubt it. They were only passing contacts, at most. The wig makes an enormous difference.

PAT And with that corny accent they probably think you're CIA.

QUEENIE Perhaps, if I hadn't made myself conspicuously objectionable to all and sundry.

PAT I thought they did that naturally.

QUEENIE Better be careful where you say that. Anyway, it's a pity we can't keep it up a bit longer, though I shan't be sorry to drop the pose. I think I shall suddenly see the light with apologies and drinks all round on the last night.

PAT How's your boss on expenses?

QUEENIE Reasonable - I don't push them. Though on reflection it had better be drinks for a selected few. And perhaps I'd better be a bit less sudden about it. Now, one or two things to discuss - in the lounge, I think.

They exit left.

ZENOBIA Do you ever get the impression that we might as well be part of the wallpaper?

ORVILLE Yes, and we keep it that way - no mention of anything overheard except in real need for a serious reason. Anyway, it looks as though your "Spot the sleuth" game would have had altogether too many targets.

ZENOBIA Might have been harder to spot the non-sleuth.

ORVILLE By the way - I've been meaning to ask, though it seems a bit of an impertinence \- how did you come to have such an unusual name?

ZENOBIA Well, the original Zenobia was a famous queen of Palmyra in the third century.

ORVILLE Famous for what?

ZENOBIA Getting her own way, mostly, until she came up against a Roman general. I suspect she got him in the end, too.

ORVILLE And do you always get your own way?

ZENOBIA Quite often!

ORVILLE I'll bear that in mind. But what's the connection with Palmyra?

ZENOBIA That's where my parents met. Dad was working on an archaeological dig, and Mum was a British Council teacher there.

ORVILLE They sound an interesting couple.

ZENOBIA They are. I think you'd like to meet them.

ORVILLE And I think you may be right.

The telephone rings and Zenobia answers.

ZENOBIA Reception ... Yes ... Right, I'll tell him. _(Replacing the receiver)_ The captain would like to see you on the bridge.

ORVILLE I'm on my way.

Exit UC. Pat and Queenie enter left at about the same time as Jim and Carol DR. Jim carries a small travel bag.

QUEENIE Hey, Zenobia, about that complaint I was going to make last night - forget it. In fact I think I owe you an apology.

ZENOBIA _(surprised)_ Oh. That's all right.

QUEENIE Thank you. Now some of those bits of glassware in the shop caught my eye - could I have a closer look at them?

ZENOBIA Of course.

She finds the appropriate keys and accompanies Queenie DR.

PAT Ready now, Sir?

JIM You go ahead. I'll be with you in a few minutes.

PAT Of course - understood. Shall I take your bag?

JIM Er - yes, thank you.

PAT Goodbye, Mrs. Cartwright.

CAROL Goodbye. Look after him, won't you?

PAT I shall.

Exit UC, with the bag.

JIM And you look after yourself. I'm sorry to leave you ...

CAROL It was my own choice. Now get along - don't keep him waiting any longer.

JIM Right. _(After a brief embrace)_ 'Bye, dear. See you soon.

CAROL 'Bye. _(In a clearly audible whisper)_ Good luck, Charles.

Exit Jim UC. Carol slowly follows and leans on the rail. The launch is heard to rev up its engine with much splashing, and as the sound fades Carol follows with her eyes into the distance.

FADE OUT.

**********

Return to Contents

## WAITING

Characters:

Alan impatient, intolerant of inconvenience, keen on his rights.

Betty disagreeable semi-invalid.

Charlie businesslike ferryman.

Derek Tanya's affectionate husband.

Enid shrewish, still grieving for the death of her daughter.

Gareth disgruntled and petulant.

Helen helpfully sympathetic, a born organiser.

Ian quietly sensible.

Jenny exuberant daughter of Enid and Ron.

Ken calm and logical.

Louise Alan's wife, placid and sensible.

Mark Betty's long-suffering husband.

Nell Betty's carer.

Owen humorous and philosphical.

Pam Gareth's wife. Sensible, tries to temper her husband's aggressiveness.

Ron Enid's husband, with a less rosy view of their deceased daughter.

Sally a former nurse, helpful and conciliatory.

Tanya worried about an unspecified misdemeanour in the past.

Val teenager, anxious to get back for a task at home.

William coach driver, asleep and unnoticed for most of the action.

Scene

A nondescript river bank with a few logs that serve as rough seats. The river itself is out of sight, but there are references to a boat-landing jetty off-stage right, and to a forest as the "fourth wall."

Time

Resembling the present.

*****

Opening

William is sitting gloomy and unnoticed against a boulder, far up left and facing off-stage. Ron is lying asleep upstage, head on a small haversack. Alan and Louise are sitting on a log; Ken, Sally, Val, Pam and Gareth stand nearby, all utterly bored or frustrated. Enid, Owen, Helen, Tanya, Derek and Ian are in the wings; where not explicitly mentioned, they may drift aimlessly in and out, or loiter, sitting or standing, depending on the capacity of the stage to accommodate them conveniently; when visible but not involved in the action they may chat inconspicuously among themselves. Belongings suited to a day's excursion are scattered around.

After perhaps half a minute ...

ALAN _(rousing himself from torpor)_ For heaven's sake - how much longer are we going to be stuck here?

LOUISE Don't be impatient. Getting in a frazzle won't make it any less.

ALAN All right, I was only asking.

LOUISE But since none of us knows the answer, it wasn't a real question - just a grouse.

ALAN Trust you to be pedantic.

KEN It really is a bit thick, though - just leaving us here and expecting us to wait.

SALLY You should be used to it, with all the time you've spent in airports.

KEN But there at least you know what you're waiting for. And there's usually something to relieve the boredom - even if it's only reading the papers or going through the duty-free.

SALLY And some sort of attempt at explanation.

ALAN If you're lucky.

SALLY Well, this was supposed to be a mystery tour, after all.

KEN Except that we don't seem to be touring.

ALAN It's altogether too much of a mystery for my liking.

VAL I do hope it won't be too long. I've still to make Dad's supper when we get back.

PAM Is there much to do?

VAL Not an awful lot. There should have been plenty of time - he doesn't get home till about eight. But something seems to have gone wrong.

ALAN Badly. This can't be deliberate.

PAM No, the company wouldn't keep people hanging about like this intentionally.

KEN It would soon go bust if it did.

ALAN I shall certainly complain when we do get back.

GARETH Assuming you can find someone to complain to. I never have.

PAM They can probably see you coming.

GARETH _(bridling)_ What are you getting at?

PAM Nothing. No need to get shirty.

GARETH All very well for you. You seem to take anything in your stride.

PAM Working yourself up about things doesn't help.

GARETH It's a matter of principle. You shouldn't let people walk all over you.

PAM I don't.

GARETH Or treat you like dirt - that lout in the ticket office had no manners at all.

PAM Oh, come on - be fair on the lad ...

GARETH How was I unfair?

PAM You know very well they aren't taught to show respect these days - you've said so yourself often enough. And where no offence is intended, why take it?

GARETH You mean I do?

PAM It has been known.

GARETH Such as when?

PAM Well, if you want a list ...

SALLY Does it really help the situation to go on like this?

PAM What? Oh - probably not. You're right. Sorry, Gareth.

GARETH But you don't seem to understand that if you let people get away with bad service, it'll just ... Oh, what the hell! Sorry – I didn't mean to take it out on you, old girl.

VAL I do wish something would happen.

KEN What, in particular?

VAL Anything to get us out of here and on our way. I'm getting worried.

ALAN How long have we been here, actually? My watch must have stopped.

VAL Well, I didn't notice when we got here, but I make it five past four now.

ALAN So do I, near enough. But it seems a lot longer than that since the last stop.

SALLY Time does drag when you're waiting.

KEN Especially when you don't know what for.

SALLY This is where we came in. Let's not keep going round in circles!

Pause.

SALLY _(glancing off right)_ Oh, look, someone's coming this way.

GARETH And about time, too. Let's hope it's to some purpose.

ALAN I shouldn't bank on it, if I were you.

LOUISE Grousing again?

ALAN Just being realistic. Raising false hopes only makes matters worse.

SALLY Why not look on the bright side just for once?

ALAN Expect nothing, and you won't be disappointed.

LOUISE Sometimes I think you'd be disappointed if things did go right.

SALLY Now don't start that again!

Charlie enters right, then stops, looking rather startled.

CHARLIE Blimey, they didn't tell me it was a bus load.

GARETH Who didn't?

CHARLIE Whoever it was on the blower. Just said I had to pick up some passengers.

ALAN You weren't expecting us, then?

CHARLIE Not you in particular.

KEN What do you mean?

CHARLIE I'm on standby. I never know when I may be needed - it can be any time. Sometimes I get a bit of warning, more often I don't.

LOUISE And we arrived out of the blue, did we?

CHARLIE That's right.

ALAN Typical!

LOUISE Anyway, thank goodness you've come. We were wondering what had happened.

CHARLIE Aye, I can believe it.

The group starts to gather belongings.

CHARLIE Oh, I don't want to worry you, but ...

GARETH But what?

CHARLIE You needn't all be in too much of a hurry. I can only take four at a time.

ALAN What!!!!?

CHARLIE I said I can only take four at a time.

ALAN Yes, I know. But this is ridiculous!

GARETH I shall really complain about this – it's altogether too bad.

CHARLIE You can complain as much as you like. It won't make any difference.

ALAN But that means ... _(looking around and counting, including those off-stage or temporarily absent)_ ... five journeys. How long does it take?

CHARLIE Not long. About ten minutes the round trip.

GARETH That still makes the best part of an hour. And we've been waiting goodness knows how long already.

CHARLIE Sorry, mate, but there's nothing I can do about it.

ALAN Couldn't you squeeze an extra one in? That would make one journey less.

CHARLIE Sorry, can't be done.

KEN If it's just a matter of regulations ... I know the authorities have gone mad on safety, but the water's calm enough.

CHARLIE 'Tisn't that, mate. Can't get any more in.

GARETH Then they should have arranged for a bigger boat.

CHARLIE Who should?

GARETH Whoever's running this ... fiasco.

Ian quietly joins the group.

CHARLIE Maybe they should. Not for me to say. But mine's the only boat we have.

SALLY It looks as though Val was right - only things have gone wrong a lot worse than any of us thought.

GARETH Yes, very badly indeed.

ALAN What did I tell you?

LOUISE I know it was supposed to be a mystery tour, but the plan couldn't really have involved swapping a bus for a boat, could it?

KEN I shouldn't think so. Too complicated, for one thing.

ALAN More to the point, too expensive.

GARETH Well, however it was supposed to be set up, someone's made a right pig's ear of it.

VAL It does look like that.

GARETH It makes me furious, the sloppy way things are done these days. No efficiency anywhere. We ought to put in a really stiff complaint when we get back.

SALLY I dare say you're right, but going on about it just now doesn't help.

GARETH It helps me to let off a bit of steam.

PAM Actually, I don't think it does. It just seems to stoke up the pressure.

LOUISE You want to watch it - if you keep at it, you're liable to give yourself ulcers -

PAM He already has.

LOUISE - or a stroke. I've seen it happen.

CHARLIE Look here, I don't want to break up your argument just when you're enjoying it, but if you're going to get across before doomsday hadn't you better decide who's taking the first trip?

IAN Thank goodness someone has a bit of sense here!

GARETH What the blazes ... Who the devil asked your opinion?

PAM Gareth! Remember... ulcers! Anyway, now we have the chance to do something constructive at last , hadn't we better do it?

SALLY Well said. Val seems to be the only one with a real reason for hurrying, so I think she should be one of the first.

VAL Thank you - that's very kind.

KEN _(aside, to Sally)_ Will it make any difference for her?

SALLY _(aside, to Ken)_ Probably not, in substance, but it may make her feel better.

IAN And for the others?

LOUISE It hardly matters, does it? Whoever goes will still have to wait for the others at the other side - for as long as it takes.

KEN Assuming whoever's in charge is keeping the party together, yes. _(To Charlie)_ Do you know if that's right?

CHARLIE No idea. I just take you across the river. What happens after's none of my business.

KEN It seems reasonable to suppose so, anyway.

IAN So if ... what's your name, ferryman, if you don't mind my asking?

CHARLIE Folks mostly call me Charlie.

IAN Then I suggest Charlie simply grabs the three nearest. Any objections?

KEN Fair enough by me.

Everyone else nods.

CHARLIE Right-oh. So - you, you and you. _(He indicates Alan, Louise, and Ken)_

KEN Oh Sally - er - do you mind?

SALLY No, go ahead. I dare say I'll survive an hour without you.

KEN It shouldn't be that long. See you, then...

Charlie and the four passengers exit right.

GARETH Well, that's something happening, at any rate.

PAM Careful - that sounds dangerously like a touch of optimism.

GARETH All right, all right ... No need for sarcasm.

Ron awakes with a start and a snort.

RON Uh - what's going on?

ENID Oh, so you've woken up at last, have you?

RON _(yawning)_ More or less. Pity - I was having rather a nice dream.

IAN Care to tell us what about?

RON Better not - not with Enid listening!

IAN It might provide a bit of welcome entertainment - if you can remember enough of it.

ENID The time you spend asleep, anyone would think you'd been slaving all night.

RON Don't start that again, for goodness' sake. This morning was quite enough.

ENID It's positively embarrassing, the way you drop off all over the place.

RON Don't exaggerate. It isn't all over the place.

ENID All right, just where it's most annoying.

RON In any case, it's perfectly normal to doze on a coach journey.

ENID Not when you're supposed to be enjoying the scenery.

RON For some reason, that's usually when I'm sleepiest. Or when a guide's giving the usual spiel. _(Looking around)_ Anyway, I shouldn't have said this was much to write home about.

SALLY It does seem we shouldn't really be here at all.

ENID _(becoming progressively more agitated)_ And I don't suppose you realised where we were back there.

RON How could I, if I was asleep?

ENID You were still more or less conscious then.

RON So where was it?

ENID It was ... _(she has difficulty in continuing)_

RON Where?

ENID The very spot where ... where Jenny ...

She is overcome with remembered grief and collapses in tears. Ron tries half-heartedly to comfort her, and Helen crosses to them. Owen hovers anxiously.

HELEN _(solicitously)_ What's the matter? Is she all right?

RON Not ill, if that's what you mean. Not physically, at any rate.

HELEN I don't mean to poke my nose in if ...

RON Of course not. It didn't occur to me. It's just very unfortunate...

OWEN What is ?

RON It seems we came past the place where our daughter was killed last year.

HELEN Oh dear ... What a dreadful coincidence. No wonder she's upset.

OWEN A road accident?

RON Yes. She was out for a spin with her boy friend. A fairly regular week-end event, never any problem before ...

ENID _(recovering a little)_ That was only good luck. I warned you...

RON Well, it's true they were always a bit slap-dash over some things - using safety belts, for instance – especially after a canoodle, I imagine. Not that those would have helped much that last time, I imagine.

ENID You should never have let her go out in that car of his.

RON You don't suppose for a moment that I could have stopped her, do you?

ENID Speed mad, he was. And you knew it.

RON Now be fair. He drove fast, yes, but I wouldn't have said dangerously. Unless she egged him on, of course.

ENID You've no reason to blame her!

RON Well, knowing her, I don't suppose it was all his fault.

ENID _(sarcastically)_ Oh, no?

RON Ninety percent, perhaps, but not all. She hated dawdling - and that meant anything under sixty. And she could be very persuasive.

ENID She could twist you round her little finger, anyway.

RON I know. That's the point I was trying to make.

ENID But that day you said yourself that his tyres looked a bit dodgy. You should really have put your foot down.

RON A fat lot of good that would have done.

OWEN _(sympathetically)_ Daughters can be difficult, can't they?

HELEN So can sons. Look at the trouble we had with Jack.

OWEN He was at the difficult age.

HELEN I dare say, but with most kids it doesn't last for twenty-odd years!

OWEN Well, he settled down eventually.

HELEN It took the Stanley's daughter to settle him.

OWEN I'm not saying daughters don't have their uses ...

TANYA _(joining the group)_ Excuse me for butting in - I couldn't help hearing. Could that have been Margaret Stanley from Castleton way?

HELEN Why, yes - do you know her?

TANYA Slightly. Her mother married my widowed uncle.

HELEN I hadn't heard about that. Still, we don't see them all that often.

TANYA It wasn't so long ago. Carrie said she needed some provision for old age, now Margaret was gone.

OWEN Not exactly the romance of the century, then.

TANYA Oh, I think they're fond enough of each other. She was probably joking - it would be her style. For long enough she complained half-seriously of wondering how she was going to get Margaret off her hands.

HELEN Some people are never satisfied, however things turn out.

RON She should have given the girl a subscription to a dating agency.

TANYA I've an idea Margaret might have tried something of the sort herself, from one or two odd things she said. It evidently came to nothing, though.

RON Too choosy?

TANYA Maybe. People said she was always rather particular.

OWEN Well, if that's a fault, it's in the right direction. Saves a lot of trouble.

HELEN You can take it too far, though. No one's perfect.

RON And you can get to the point where it doesn't seem worth the bother any more. After all ...

ENID _(sharply)_ Yes?

RON _(realising he has nearly put his foot in it)_ Oh, nothing.

HELEN _(hastily interposing)_ Did you have any particular reason for asking about her?

TANYA Yes – I was turning out a cupboard the other day and found a book belonging to her. I'd forgotten I'd borrowed it...

RON Sounds a familiar story.

HELEN Except that it's usually the owner wondering who's got it.

TANYA... and I wondered if you had her address.

HELEN Not with me, but... Oh dear, here comes trouble.

Betty, a thoroughly disagreeable semi-invalid, enters supported by Mark. He retains a trace of his original affection for her but while mechanically dutiful has long since abandoned any pretence of patience with her moods. She is evidently indulging in an all-too-familiar kind of tirade. With some difficulty he seats her on one of the logs.

BETTY ... to leave me out there for so long. You might have had some consideration.

MARK You didn't expect me to stand there watching, did you?

BETTY You could have stayed within calling distance instead of wandering off to goodness knows where. Anything might have happened to me.

MARK What sort of thing?

BETTY Oh ... anything.

MARK Some hope. I should have left you in a patch of nettles - then you'd really have had something to moan about.

BETTY If you'd found one you probably would.

NELL _(entering)_ Oh, there you are ...

BETTY Yes, no thanks to you. You disappeared fast enough!

NELL You didn't seem to need me.

BETTY I might have done.

MARK Do you have to keep nagging her?

BETTY She's supposed to be helping, not dashing off on any notion that takes her fancy.

NELL I thought I saw the wallet that Derek had dropped. You know very well how worried he was about it.

BETTY I might have guessed - anything in trousers. But go on, follow your own concerns \- don't let my depending on you make any difference.

MARK What time can she have for any other concerns? You know darned well that she spends practically her whole life dealing with your whims and complaints.

BETTY But that's exactly ...

MARK One of these days she'll probably tell you what to do with the whole stupid lot of them - and I shan't blame her. Nor would anyone else who knows you.

NELL Mark, please ...

BETTY _(tearfully)_ You don't seem to realise ...

MARK _(resignedly_ ) Oh, now here come the waterworks again ...

NELL Mark, for goodness' sake! Do you have to keep tearing each other to bits?

MARK My word! The worm has turned. And about time too. Sorry, Nell; I'm not making things any easier for you, am I?

NELL I'm afraid not. I know you don't mean it ...

IAN _(peering into the distance)_ I think the ferry's coming back.

GARETH And about time, too.

IAN He'll be a little while yet, but shouldn't we be deciding who takes the next trip?

BETTY We should insist \- this is no place for an invalid.

MARK We don't know that it's any better over there.

BETTY Trust you to look on the black side.

MARK Well, I suppose we can at least stop your annoying everyone else here.

IAN _(calling)_ Anyone object if Betty, Mark and Nell go across next?

There is a subdued chorus of assent.

GARETH And as it was your suggestion, you may as well make up the four.

IAN If everyone's happy with that ...? Okay.

Mark moves to help Betty up, and impulsively plants a kiss on the back of her neck. She looks up, startled, and almost smiles; of the others, only Helen notices. Ian helps on the other side and the four exit slowly right.

RON _(gazing after them)_ Thank goodness. Dreadful woman!

HELEN You think so?

RON It seems obvious.

HELEN You don't know the story, do you?

RON No. Should I? And would it make any difference?

HELEN No reason you should have heard it. But it might help you to understand.

RON Hmm. You do know, I gather.

HELEN Some of it, at least. We were neighbours for a while.

RON Fire away, then. It'll pass a bit of time. We aren't exactly short of it.

HELEN Well, there isn't all that much to tell. She used to be a very promising athlete. Track events, mainly, but she was apparently quite impressive on javelin, too. I don't know that she had any Olympic ambitions, though you can never be sure, but I gathered from Mark that it might not have been out of the question. She was certainly up to a good county standard.

RON Who'd have thought it? So what happened?

HELEN First a knee injury, when a hit-and-run driver knocked her off her bicycle, then arthritis. It's got worse over the years. But she still remembers the glory days. Memory's about all she has left, now.

RON Ah. I see your point. It might be better if she didn't. No wonder she's bitter.

HELEN She has a passable excuse, anyway.

RON You'd think Mark would be a bit more sympathetic - make allowances, in the circumstances.

HELEN He did, at first. Rather too many.

RON How could that be?

HELEN He tried to do everything for her - and she let him, naturally enough.

RON But seems to have gone to the other extreme now.

HELEN Don't jump to conclusions. Appearances can be deceptive. He makes sure she has everything she needs. And a good deal more.

RON Except love. The nastiness seems genuine enough.

HELEN You didn't notice that final touch of affection, did you?

RON I didn't see anything of the sort.

HELEN It was very discreet.

RON It must have been. Are you sure you didn't imagine it?

HELEN No chance. _(Musing)_ I think on the whole he may have judged it just about right - looking after the physical needs, but needling her enough to rouse her spirit - make sure she doesn't simply sink into apathy or self-pity.

RON So you think it's a deliberate strategy, then?

HELEN I'm not sure - I'm no mind-reader. But it looks like it. He's no fool. And he's a thoroughly decent character. I've a great admiration for him.

OWEN _(joining them)_ Oh, yes? I can see I'll have to look to my laurels.

HELEN _(snapping out of her reverie)_ It wouldn't do any harm!

She wanders away to find a seat. Tanya, looking into the forest, suddenly screams.

DEREK What on earth ...?

TANYA _(pointing)_ Over there - in the trees. _(He looks baffled)_ Don't you see it?

DEREK See what?

TANYA A horrible black shape.

DEREK I can't see anything - only ordinary shadows.

TANYA It's gone now ...

DEREK Are you sure it wasn't imagination? Shadows moving in a gust of wind?

SALLY I didn't feel any breeze.

DEREK There could have been some in the tree-tops.

OWEN _(wandering across to them)_ What's up?

DEREK Tanya thought she saw something nasty in the wood.

OWEN What sort of something?

TANYA Almost human, but distorted - rather like a gargoyle.

She feels a sudden chill, and sits down clutching her arms about her.

OWEN Don't say my mother-in-law's turned up!

DEREK Be serious. Tanya's really scared.

OWEN Sorry. Did anyone else see it?

SALLY I got a vague glimpse ...

OWEN There haven't been any escapes from a zoo or anything, have there?

DEREK Not that I've heard of. And anyway, there aren't any zoos around here.

OWEN That's a point. Does anyone know where we are exactly? I lost track a while back.

DEREK So did I. But I think Ron said something about passing a spot he knew. _(Calling)_ Ron!

RON _(crossing to him)_ Yes?

DEREK Can you tell us where we are? Roughly.

RON Sorry, I haven't a clue.

DEREK But I thought ...

RON Enid thought she recognised something, but goodness knows how far back that was. Even if she was right. This is nothing like it - or anywhere around there.

TANYA Derek ...

DEREK Yes? Oh, are you cold? Take my jacket ...

TANYA No, it's not that. There's something I've got to talk to you about.

DEREK What have I done?

TANYA It's nothing like that. But can we go somewhere a bit more private?

DEREK _(mystified)_ All right.

They exit left together. Ron returns to Enid.

OWEN I wonder what all that's about.

SALLY Best not ask. Nothing to do with us.

OWEN I shouldn't dream of asking. But I can't help wondering. Do you think she's all right?

SALLY I'm not sure. She seemed to have a touch of shock.

OWEN From the fright?

SALLY Maybe. But I think there was probably something more behind it.

OWEN Hmm ... But as you say, it's none of our business, anyway.

SALLY I think, though, we should keep an eye on her, just in case. "My brother's keeper" and all that.

OWEN Are you a medic?

SALLY I did a spell of nursing, once. It seems a long time ago now.

OWEN I suppose it comes back to you when the need arises.

SALLY Enough to help. Maybe not to help as much as someone more up-to-date could.

OWEN What made you give it up?

SALLY Well, I met Ken, and he was working shifts for a time. We never seemed to see each other except for passing on the doorstep. Then the first of the kids came along ...

OWEN Not conceived on the doorstep, I hope?

SALLY _(laughing)_ Now that would really have given the neighbours something to talk about! Might have done some of them good, actually.

OWEN A stuffy lot?

SALLY Some were. Very self-consciously respectable. You know the kind.

OWEN That usually means they've something to hide.

SALLY We had some fun speculating. They were so painfully proper.

OWEN Plenty of people think we've gone too far the other way.

SALLY They could be right, too.

OWEN Anyway - your neighbours ...

SALLY Oh, they were good-hearted enough, for the most part. We were lucky on the whole, that way.

OWEN On the whole?

SALLY Well, there was one couple. Particularly strait-laced. Strict chapel – at least twice on Sundays, and goodness knows what else ... but if anyone -

HELEN _(approaching them)_ I'm sorry to interrupt, but ...

SALLY It's quite all right. I'm afraid I was just about to be rather catty.

Enid quietly exits left.

HELEN The boat should be back soon. Could we be sorting out who goes next?

SALLY Good idea. Who have we got now?

HELEN Apart from ourselves - Pam and Gareth, Enid and Ron, Tanya and Derek - Oh, where have they gone?

OWEN Tanya wanted to discuss something in private. It seemed rather ominous.

HELEN Best leave them for now, then. Shall I suggest the other four?

OWEN Seems as good as anything.

HELEN Right.

She goes to consult them; Gareth explains quietly that there is some difficulty. Helen returns.

HELEN Enid's had to go off into the wood - she may be a little while ...

OWEN Drat! So ...

Tanya and Derek enter left in earnest conversation.

DEREK ... but it doesn't matter. Whatever you did or didn't do, it's over and done with. It's best to bury it. You've amply made up for it since.

TANYA Are you sure?

DEREK Of course I'm sure. You've been a real treasure.

TANYA It's such a relief! I've been worried sick at times ... in case ...

HELEN _(crossing to them)_ Excuse my interrupting - this is getting to be a habit! - but would you two like to go with Pam and Gareth on the next crossing?

DEREK Oh ... _(glancing at Tanya, who nods)_ Well, if that suits everyone else, why not?

Helen signals thumbs-up to the others; the four gather their belongings and exit right.

HELEN That leaves five \- pity we can't fit one extra in.

OWEN Charlie was adamant about it. Though I don't like the idea of leaving one behind for the last trip.

SALLY No need. I'm sure Charlie will be quite as happy to take three and two as four and one.

OWEN Of course. Silly of me.

Ron ambles across to join them. Gareth and Pam are quietly arguing.

RON What was that old ditty about green bottles accidentally falling off a wall?

SALLY You're not suggesting a sing-song, are you?

RON It doesn't seem quite appropriate for this company, does it? Somehow I can't see you in a coach-load of football supporters.

SALLY I imagine they'd be singing something a lot less innocent. Is Enid all right?

RON More or less. She had a touch of road sickness - maybe something else as well. I thought she'd got over it, but it's come back again.

SALLY Something else, you say?

RON I warned her about the seafood cocktail at lunch. She's a bit sensitive to that sort of thing.

OWEN She didn't take the warning?

RON She probably ignored it on principle. I should have known better - encouraged her to eat it. That would have stopped her.

OWEN It gives you a bit of peace, anyway. So at the moment we're down to four green bottles.

RON I expect she'll be back on the wall in a few minutes. She won't want to miss the boat.

OWEN Assuming she's fit.

HELEN We were just talking about that. The obvious thing seems to be for Sally to join one of the couples and the other to cross separately - if that suits everyone?

RON Seems sensible. And just in case Enid's problem takes longer than we expect to sort out, you and Owen should be the first couple.

OWEN If that's okay by you.

RON Certainly. Helen's organised us - she's earned a bit of privilege.

HELEN It wasn't a particularly onerous task!

RON Not much of a privilege, either, come to think of it. After all this waiting, ten minutes or so either way doesn't make much odds.

HELEN No, but I appreciate the thought.

RON Well, someone had to do it, and you took it on. Left to ourselves we could have been arguing for hours.

OWEN Oh, she's a great organiser. Aren't you, love?

HELEN If you say so. But it was such a simple matter - there couldn't have been any problem, surely.

OWEN Don't you believe it! It's the simple matters that cause all the argument. Parkinson's Third Law, isn't it?

RON That's right. Something like "Time taken in committee is inversely proportional to the importance of the subject."

OWEN That's the gist of it, anyway.

HELEN How can that be? It seems absurd.

RON It's quite simple. Suppose there are three items on the agenda. First is a bicycle shed for the school caretaker. Everyone knows about sheds and bicycles and has his own preferences, so they spend two hours arguing over whether it should be brick or timber, painted, rendered or left natural, roofed with tile, slate, tin, plastic or thatch - that sort of thing. What was the second example?

OWEN I don't remember, but say a municipal swimming pool.

RON Right. There's a choice between three tenders at about the same price. They don't understand the engineering but they all have ideas on design, so they spend half an hour on that. That leaves a proposal for a nuclear reactor. None of them knows the first thing about the subject, they're all itching to get home - or more likely to the pub - so it's thrown out by common consent.

OWEN I think in Parkinson's original text it was passed on the nod, but it makes the point just as well.

HELEN Hmm. Very illuminating.

RON You've experienced it, have you?

HELEN I have indeed!

RON So you see why we appreciate your sorting out our little problem. By the way, I think Sally had better go with you. See that Ken hasn't been getting up to any mischief - or put a stop to it if he has.

SALLY If you don't mind being left alone with Enid ...

RON Much as I may prefer your company, I think I can put up with her for ten minutes or so. I've had plenty of practice.

SALLY Right. Thank you.

OWEN Has she always ...

RON What?

OWEN I'm sorry, I was about to be fearfully impertinent.

RON If you mean "Has she always been so difficult," of course not. I'm not a masochist.

SALLY Was it the accident?

RON To Jenny? No, that didn't help, but she'd been getting this way for years. I'm afraid it's my fault - at least, in part.

HELEN Better not ask how.

OWEN Which is a polite way of asking!

RON I think she took me on rather in the spirit of the old joke about the three things in a bride's mind as she approaches the church - "aisle, altar, hymn." She always had some big project to work on, and I was one of them. Unfortunately I wasn't so easy to alter as she'd thought. In fact I probably went the other way out of sheer cussedness.

SALLY There must surely have been more to it than that for you to marry.

RON Of course. And it wasn't just sex, either. Even now - I may joke at times about wishing I were a bachelor again, but the idea of not having her around, somewhere - well, it just doesn't bear thinking about.

OWEN It's something you may have to face, eventually.

RON I'm a few years older. And women tend to live longer than men, anyway.

SALLY But they don't always.

RON No. But there's no point in worrying about every possibility before it happens.

OWEN I suppose the ideal for a fond couple would be to go together.

SALLY Worse for the family than one at a time.

OWEN I don't know about that. It's got to happen sooner or later - they may as well get it all over at once.

RON It probably depends on the particular people concerned - how devoted they are.

HELEN Have you any children? Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry ... It came out automatically .... Trust me to put my foot in it!

RON It's all right. Besides Jenny, you mean. A couple - one of each. But we haven't seen them for years.

SALLY Oh?

RON They got well out of it long ago - emigrated to Australia.

OWEN Not just to get away from you, surely.

RON I'd like to think there were more positive reasons.

SALLY They must have said ...

RON Oh, yes. Better prospects - better climate. More room for their own kids when they come. All reasonable enough.

OWEN But you don't sound convinced.

RON Well, there's always the nagging thought that those weren't the real reasons.

HELEN Have they got their own families now?

RON Yes, so of course Enid's always on about wanting to see the grandchildren.

SALLY Natural enough. Every grandmother wants that.

RON Yes, but I can't help thinking that if they've gone twelve thousand miles to get away from us, it would rather spoil things to go chasing after them.

HELEN It need only be for a month or so.

OWEN But they'd probably have at least to put on a show of wanting you to stay.

RON Yes. And Enid would almost certainly want to.

Enid enters left.

ENID Almost certainly want what?

RON To stay on after visiting Bill and Sue.

ENID Does that mean you're coming round to the idea?

RON I just mentioned it as a hypothetical possibility.

ENID Well, why not? There's nothing to keep us here now.

RON Well ...

ENID And why not, just for once, turn a hypothetical possibility into a reality? It would make a pleasant change.

OWEN Talking of hypothetical possibilities ... Any sign of the boat yet?

RON _(craning)_ I can't see it ... Oh, just a minute ... Yes, it's on the way.

ENID Good.

RON Oh, Enid - we've agreed that Sally, Helen and Owen will go this time. We'll wait for the last trip.

ENID Trust you to give way to everyone else.

OWEN We could change it if you really want to go next.

ENID No, have it your own way.

SALLY It doesn't really make any difference, you know. Ten minutes here or there, what does it matter?

ENID Not to you, perhaps ...

SALLY Well, if you're so anxious to get across, I don't mind waiting.

ENID _(martyred)_ No, let it stand. Don't let me spoil your arrangements.

OWEN _(losing patience)_ Right, let's get down to the jetty.

He moves decisively off right; Helen and Sally follow after a moment's hesitation.

RON _(after a pause)_ And then there were two.

ENID Hmm.

Pause

RON How do you feel now?

ENID Still a bit queasy.

RON Perhaps it was as well to wait a little longer, then. There's bound to be a bit of motion on the water.

ENID Ten minutes won't make much difference.

RON Then why make so much fuss over who took the last crossing?

ENID It's the principle of the thing.

RON What principle?

ENID Making sure we aren't taken for granted.

RON It sounds more like Stan Finlay's "Why be difficult? Try a little, and be impossible." You don't want to end up like Gareth, do you?

ENID He has a point. You have to stand up for your rights.

RON That old cliché! If people were a bit less concerned about their rights, and a bit more about their responsibilities, we'd be a good deal better off all round.

ENID Huh. Politicians have been banging on about that for yonks. It doesn't seem to make much difference.

RON Because it's all talk and no action. That's the problem. Rights are a matter of talk, not doing anything.

ENID What do you mean?

RON Look at it this way. Suppose you have a right to go about your business unmolested ...

ENID But I do. We all do.

RON Then it shouldn't be too difficult to suppose. But you can still get mugged in the street. And as like as not, if it's a bad night with people anxious to get home, no one else will take a blind bit of notice.

ENID They might call the police.

RON They might. And a fat lot of good that would do - apart perhaps from supporting an insurance claim afterwards. But if they had a responsibility to defend anyone being attacked, you could expect some help.

ENID Some hope!

RON As it is, yes. That's because for years we've concentrated on rights rather than responsibilities. It wasn't always like that.

ENID But rights are still important ...

RON Of course they are. But they depend on someone being responsible for meeting them, and knowing it - a particular individual, not just a nebulous "they."

William yawns prodigiously; Enid screams.

ENID Aah! What on earth was that?

RON It sounded like some kind of animal ...

ENID That shadow that Tanya saw ...?

RON Maybe.

William slowly rises to his feet and stretches.

RON Good lord! Where did he spring from?

WILLIAM _(limping across to them)_ Sorry to startle you.

ENID Are you all right?

WILLIAM Yes, thanks. Just a bit stiff. I must have dozed off. What time is it?

RON _(consulting his watch)_ Five past four. _(With a double take)_ Eh?

ENID What's the matter?

RON It must have stopped the best part of an hour ago. What do you make it?

ENID I left mine at home. Does it matter?

RON I don't suppose so. As long as we're down at the jetty when the ferry comes.

ENID He knows where to find us if we aren't.

WILLIAM So there's a ferry, is there?

RON Yes, a small one. We've been crossing four at a time.

WILLIAM And we're the left-overs, I suppose.

ENID Yes. Have you any idea where we are? No one else seemed to know.

WILLIAM Not a clue.

RON Lucky you woke up when you did. We hadn't noticed you over there. Neither did anyone else. You could easily have been left behind.

WILLIAM Maybe it was as well not to be seen. I might have had a bit of a hard time.

ENID Why?

WILLIAM Well, it wasn't my fault, but -

ENID What wasn't?

WILLIAM That flaming lorry charging round a blind corner in the middle of the road. What could I do about it?

RON Oh, you were our driver, were you?

WILLIAM That's right.

RON I'm sorry, we didn't recognise you.

WILLIAM _(not really meaning it)_ I suppose there's no reason you should.

ENID Well, you weren't there when we boarded, and we ended up near the back. All we could see was the back of your head - and that not very often.

RON Then where's the bus?

WILLIAM Where do you suppose? Still at the bottom of the lake, of course. It'll probably take days to shift it.

ENID What's it doing there?

WILLIAM Not a lot.

RON You mean there was an accident?

WILLIAM Ah, the penny's dropped at last!

ENID But we don't remember anything about it. And no one else mentioned it.

WILLIAM Asleep, perhaps. Or in a state of shock. Hardly surprising.

RON By the sound of it we were lucky to get out.

WILLIAM You must be joking!

ENID What do you mean?

WILLIAM After we'd done a double somersault down the bank into thirty feet of water - you don't seriously suppose everyone would get out in one piece, do you? It'd be darned lucky if anyone could get out at all.

RON _(belatedly realising the implications)_ Oh.

WILLIAM I take a dim view of it, I must say.

ENID The accident?

WILLIAM No, it's too late for that.

RON What, then?

WILLIAM All my life I refused to believe there was anything after death. Now I find myself shoved into it with no chance to say whether I want it or not.

RON _(slyly)_ Are you going to complain to your trade union?

WILLIAM It's a bit late for that, too.

ENID You'll just have to make the best of it. We all shall.

WILLIAM Can't say I'm very impressed so far.

RON Maybe it's better across the river.

ENID What's this side, then? Where is it?

RON Limbo, I suppose, or Hades, Sheol - one of those dreary states that's neither life nor really death. Oh, here's ...

Charlie enters right with Jenny, who rushes across like a gale of joy to embrace Enid.

JENNY Mummy!

ENID Jenny! What on earth are you doing here?

JENNY Not really on earth - it's a sort of half-way house.

RON You still didn't say what you're doing here.

JENNY _(hugging him)_ Dad! I'm so glad you and Mum came together.

RON _(disentangling himself)_ Yes, but delighted though I am to be with you again, you still haven't answered the question of ...

JENNY Well, I heard you were coming, and Charlie very kindly said there was a spare place and I could come to meet you.

CHARLIE _(false grumble)_ You mean you talked me into it. Against all the rules, it is.

JENNY Rules be blowed! _(and for good measure kisses him, too)_ There, isn't that better?

RON I see you have the same difficulty with her that I had, Charlie.

JENNY Oh, don't be so stuffy, Dad. You know you like to please me, really.

CHARLIE And where the intention's good, we don't mind stretching a point.

JENNY _(to William)_ And Mr. Jenkins, too - I didn't realise it was you. Though Don thought you were coming soon.

WILLIAM _(sternly)_ Oh, did he?

JENNY Now you're not to be cross with him. Our crash was partly my fault.

RON I thought as much.

ENID Now don't start - Aah!

RON What's the matter now?

ENID The shadow that scared Tanya -

RON You've seen it?

ENID Something of the sort - _(pointing into the forest)_ over there.

JENNY Don't worry, Mum ...

RON Do you know what it is?

JENNY The way it was explained to me, some people glimpse a form of everything they dislike about themselves - everything that shames them.

RON Very nasty.

JENNY But it's all right so long as you don't go after it. Come on, Mum; it can't hurt you now. Oh, it's marvellous having you all together at last!

She leads the rest off right.

CURTAIN

**********

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## About the author.

Peter Wilson is a retired industrial chemist living in Seascale, on the Cumbrian coast near the north-west corner of England.

His novel "Garstein's Legacy" and a collection of short stories "Pebbles form a Northern Shore" are available for download free of charge in various e-book formats at www.smashwords.com.

Longer plays and film scripts are to be published in due course, D.V.  
Meanwhile, these and other writings with a short biography and contact details may be found at his web site  
www.peterwilson-seascale.me.uk

