 
Love and other Tales

Misty Reigenborn

Copyright 2014

By Misty Reigenborn

Smashwords edition
Believe In Us

"When did you stop believing in me, believing in us?"

She shook her head and gave her husband of ten years the full power of her icy blue stare. "Do you really need to ask me that?"

He sighed. "It didn't happen the way you think it did. But you've never wanted to listen to me."

"Why should I? I heard more than enough from her."

He continued as if she hadn't said anything, an old tactic of ignoring angry words he often knew she didn't mean. "I know you work hard. I know that I haven't always helped out around the house as much as I should. But things seemed to change around Bea's birthday. We always used to make time for each other. It was like you lost interest in me."

She turned back to him, though looking at the handsome face she had so loved had begun to hurt the past few months. She tried not to notice the tears standing in his warm brown eyes. She knew that she had hurt him too, and much of what she had done had been purposeful. She regretted some of her actions, especially confronting him about his affair in front of all six kids.

Kirkland had been her second chance love after the first had ended so badly. Her first husband had been unfaithful and Kirk of course had known. It made it hurt even more.

She turned away from him. He had made the bad choices that had put them where they were now, and she would not crumble now when the divorce papers were in hand.

"Cry me a river Kirk. Poor neglected husband finds comfort in the arms of twenty-five-year old. What are you doing here anyway, don't you have divorce papers to sign?"

She knew that her temper was threatening to come to boiling point already, and she was glad that none of the kids were home to see them arguing yet again.

"I want you to know the truth before you sign the papers that will tear our family apart and leave Bea without a mother again."

Bea was his daughter from his first marriage and the oldest child at seventeen. Her mother had been more concerned with carrying on her irresponsible lifestyle than she had caring for her beautiful daughter, and had just walked away one morning. Julie and Beatrice had always been close, especially since Julie had always treated her like her own child. Losing Bea was going to hurt as much as losing her father had.

It dawned on her then that she hadn't really taken the time to listen to his explanation. But she had been heartbroken and very angry after she had received the phone call. Not to mention the fact that Ericka had known entirely too much about what Kirk looked like naked not to have seen him naked. She was tired of excuses, but she supposed she owed a man she had spent eleven years of her life with a chance to speak before she signed the papers that would begin the process of dissolving their marriage.

"Whatever."

"Do you remember the terrible fight we had right after we got married?"

A year before, if he had brought up his friend Kit, she would have laughed. She had been insecure and before she had met Kirk, had been close to believing that no man would remain faithful. She had blown up at him over what he had proved was nothing more than a conversation with an old friend, and certainly gotten egg on her face for accusing him of cheating then. But what had happened with Ericka was a different story completely.

"Yes. But what does that have to do with anything?"

"I remember you crying when you told me that you thought you and Josh had never been enough for Darwin. I remember telling you during another argument we had when we first got together that I wasn't your ex, and I'm not. I would never have walked away from my child. I would never have put you and Josh through what he put you through. And you were always enough for me. You're an amazing mother and you have always been the one that holds everything together when it seems like it's all falling apart. I thanked God on the day I met you, and at the time with what Bea and I had gone through, it wasn't always easy to be thankful. I've never been the type of guy to look for another woman when I've got one at home, especially one I love as much as I love you. Besides, cheating is hard work and I've got six kids and a full-time job."

"So it wasn't premeditated, so what? It doesn't change the fact that you had an affair. She knew entirely too much about what you look like naked not to have seen you naked. I got to listen to her describe your tattoo in detail, and tell me all about how cute she thinks your weird patches of body hair are."

He looked like he was trying not to laugh.

"What in the hell is so funny? It wasn't funny when I had to listen to that cocky bitch and it's sure not funny now."

"I was wrong Jules and I admit it. I let her flirt with me for months because it gave me an ego boost. I should have stopped it before it started."

"But you didn't."

"You're right. I didn't. But I never had sex with Ericka. She kissed me once and I kissed her back before I realized just what in the hell was really going on. There was that business trip I went on, several people went for a seminar and some training. Ericka was there. We had a dinner party and I was running late because I was talking to Josh."

"You were talking to Josh?"

Josh and Kirk had always been close, but lately he had been too busy playing the rebellious teenager to communicate with either of them, and it had only gotten worse since the separation.

"Girl trouble. With that friend of Bea's he was seeing at the time. So anyway, Ericka knocks on my door to remind me of the dinner. She was carrying a glass of wine and managed to spill it on me. I excused myself, thinking she would leave. I heard the door close, and I figured that it had been her leaving, so I shower and walk out of the bathroom without a towel without thinking. Only she hadn't left, and she took it as an invitation to seduce me. I kind of blew up on her then, called her a homewrecker and told her to get the hell away from me. She dropped a few fake tears and told me that she was sorry she'd misunderstood. I believe she called you that same night."

"Why should I believe you?"

"Because it's the truth Jules. I love you. You are the woman I want to spend my life with, not some immature woman who is barely older than and probably less mature than my daughter. Not any other woman."

She searched his face. His eyes looked as full of honesty as they ever had, though she didn't think she'd ever seen him lie before the affair. She wanted to believe him, wanted to ask him how he could possibly still love her after the crap she had put him through. Bea had even made the choice to stay with her until the divorce was final and she knew that had been like a knife straight to the heart for him. But she wasn't sure they could go back to the way things had been before, because she had given up on him, given up on them, the very night Ericka had called their home phone.

"If you're willing to give us another chance Jules, I am too. I'm sorry for leading her on. I'm sorry you had to go through that phone call."

"I don't know Kirk. Even if you're telling the truth, don't you think we've gone too far to go back now?"

"I've been through some shit in my life Jules, but being away from you and the kids has been the worst hands down."

"I'm sorry about Bea. I shouldn't have thrown all our dirty laundry out in front of the kids."

"You may be stubborn, and you may have a hell of a temper, but I know you wouldn't do anything to purposefully hurt any of the kids. I'm not asking to move back in, just for more time with the kids and maybe for you to hold off on signing those papers."

She bit her lip. She had been almost excited to get the divorce papers, but now she realized her temper and her stubborn streak may have gotten in the way yet again. She felt terrible.

"That sounds fair."

"Thank you. It's so quiet without the kids."

She laughed, feeling lighter. "Too damned quiet."

"I suppose I should let you get back to your rare evening alone."

He gave her a smile that held much sadness behind it, and turned to leave.

"Kirk, wait."

He turned back to her and she saw the hope spark in his eyes. "Yes Jules?"

"Will you stay for dinner?"

"I'd like that."

Picking up the pieces of their marriage wasn't easy. Julie realized that her insecurities had played a big part in their problems. She had always had a voice in the back of her head telling her that Kirk couldn't possibly be any different from other men and would eventually move on to another woman, or number of women as Darwin or any of her mother's six husbands had. They came to the conclusion together that family counseling was in order.

While the kids were glad that it meant their parents were staying together, they certainly weren't always happy to be expected to spill their guts to a stranger. But the counseling did help, and slowly but surely their marriage was strengthened. And Julie would always thank her lucky stars that Kirk had held on to the hope of their love.

#  Say Goodbye

Ash was falling in love, and that fact was not something she appreciated, though she knew that her heart's desire felt the same way. She knew that he of all men could never be the man in her life. Because though her late husband had been dead for six years, she could not move on with her life with his best friend.

If he had been another man, he would have seemed like a more than suitable choice for a mate. He was tall and well-built with a killer pair of green eyes and eyelashes to die for. His dark hair was cropped close and he always dressed neatly. He was smart, funny, kind and loving and her son had always adored him.

She had enjoyed the kiss they had shared a few nights ago immensely, but had been racked with guilt afterwards, worried that she was dishonoring the memory of a man she had loved very much by lusting after his best friend.

Simple lust would have been easier to take though. After the kiss, she had told Wren in a panic that they needed some time apart. His face had fallen so far it had made her heart hurt and she missed him greatly, though it had only been a few days since she had seen him.

He had been there for her and Zeke since the unhappy day of Jonah's death, actually moving back to the small town they had all grown up in to fulfill a teenage promise to his best friend to take care of his family if he passed away.

But Ash did not think that Jonah had meant taking care of her in the way she had started to fantasize about Wren taking care of her. Not at all. She was still feeling guilty when she lay down to sleep that Friday night.

She was lying in bed when she felt a gentle hand touch her face. She stirred and opened her dream eyes to see her husband. She smiled.

He smiled back. "Hi baby."

"Jonah. You're here."

"Yes beautiful, I am. I need to talk to you."

"About what?"

He sat on the edge of the bed, and flicked on the dim lamp on her nightstand. "Look at me my love."

She complied, and drank in the sight of him with her eyes. Jonah hadn't been quite as handsome as Wren, but he had always shined in her eyes. She had loved him with all her heart since she was fourteen years old.

"It's okay to move on with your life Ashy."

He had been the only one who had ever been able to get away with calling her that.

"I won't forget you Jonah. I love you."

"I love you too beautiful, and I always will. I won't hold it against you to love him Ashy. He's a good man. And he's so good for our son."

She felt color rise to her cheeks. "It was only a kiss Jonah."

"I know, but I also know that you both want more. It's okay to love him baby doll. He's always loved you."

She had indeed sensed that Wren had had feelings for her as far back as high school, and it had been flattering, but Jonah had always been the one for her. It had felt for so long like she had lost her better half. He had been so patient, so kind, always the first to lend a helping hand.

"Jonah?"

"Yes baby?"

"I miss you."

"Oh baby, I know. Believe me, I know. But it has been six years and there's no better man for you to move on with."

"It feels wrong Jonah."

"Only because you made it wrong in your head. I felt a lot of things about my best friend's feelings for you when I was alive. I was threatened by it at times, amused by it, sometimes angered. But in the end I thought of it as the highest compliment, because I knew that never once did Wren even attempt to make a move on you while I was alive."

Wren had made one drunken pass at her while Jonah was alive, but he had later apologized profusely and they had agreed not to tell Jonah. She wasn't going to tell her mind's imaginings of her husband that though.

"I always wanted you to be happy Ash. He makes you happy, he gets along well with Zeke. If he was any other man, this wouldn't even be an issue. How many dates have you been on since I died babe?"

"Three or four."

He shook his head at her. "I may not see everything, but I still see Ashy. It's two dates you've been on. One with that goof your sister talked you into going out with, and one with the father of one of Zeke's friends, uh Pauly or something."

"Penn, both the father and the son."

"That's right. I don't have a lot of time baby. I would have come to you before, especially when you were hurting and thought you wanted nothing more than to know I was still with you in some way, but it would have hurt you more than helped you then. I'm here to tell you that I love you and Zeke and always will. I miss you dearly. The way you smell, the way your body felt curled up next to mine, the way you would lay your head on my chest when you were feeling down. But my missing you and Zeke only ties you to me more, and it's time for me to let you go."

"But Jonah. . ."

"Shh baby. A part of you will always be mine, and in the same way I will always be yours. I don't want you to forget me, but I am giving you my blessing to be with Wren. He will take care of you and Zeke, just like he promised."

"Thank you."

A tear dropped down her face and he brushed it away. "You're welcome. I have to leave you now baby. It's time to say goodbye."

She started to cry. He kissed her. Slow and long and with so much emotion behind it she could barely breathe. It was the way he had kissed her before leaving for work the day he had died, almost as if he had known then just how much of a real goodbye it really was.

"I love you Ash Barnes Compton. Goodbye."

"Jonah."

But he had faded away as if he had never been there in the first place.

"I love you Jonah Goldberg Compton," she whispered into the stillness of her bedroom.

When she awoke the next morning, her bedside lamp was on and tears had dried on her face. She remembered her dream then and wondered if it had really been a dream at all.

Her phone rang, letting out the sound of Wren's ringtone. She was almost afraid to answer, and barely managed to hit the button to answer the call before it clicked over to voicemail.

"Hello."

"Ash, I know you asked me not to call or come around for a while, but I had a really strange dream."

Her heart started to beat fast. "You did?"

"Yeah. It was Jonah. He came to me to tell me that he gave his blessing for us to be together. But it was almost like he was really here. I woke up to our favorite song from high school playing on the radio, but it came on by itself. The alarm wasn't set."

"I dreamed about him too. He told me the same thing."

Neither seemed to know what to say after that, and for several minutes they sat in silence.

Then Wren cleared his throat. "Ash?"

"Yes Wren?"

"I love you. I've always loved you, but I knew that your heart belonged to Jonah. I know that I'll never be the guy he was, but I will always do my best for you and Zeke."

"You have Wren. You dropped your life for us and you were there when I felt like I was falling apart. I can never thank you enough for that."

"It was my pleasure. Um Ash, would you like to have dinner with me sometime, just you and me?"

"I'd like that."

After that, Ash and Wren let nature take its course and it led to a deep, true love that enriched their lives.

# The Reason

Melanie let the pregnancy test fall to the bathroom floor. "Shit."

She was twenty-five years old, had never wanted kids and had only been with her boyfriend for three months. She adored Dylan, but didn't think this was the kind of news he would take well. She wasn't quite sure how she was taking the news herself.

She sighed and wondered briefly if disappearing would be a good idea. She needed to think and Dylan's bedroom eyes weren't normally helpful in that regard, or at least not when it came to thinking clearly anyway. But he would be there to pick her up in fifteen minutes and that was hardly enough time to finish getting ready, let alone time to escape.

She dressed casually because they never went anywhere nice. They were both too damned close to broke to spend much money on a night out. Not that she really minded. She'd had a boyfriend with money once and the places he had taken her had made her feel out of place or downright uncomfortable.

She had never expected a man to take care of her financially, since her father had certainly never taken care of her mother or Melanie and her three brothers. She'd never minded working, but wondered how in the hell she was going to raise a child on her paltry salary.

A knock at the door signaled Dylan's arrival. Her heart rate picked up like it always did when he was around. He was sexy as hell and smart. They had certainly gotten to know each other quite intimately over the past few months, but they had never really discussed children.

She took a deep breath and let it out as she opened the door, hoping the bright smile she gave him didn't look entirely fake. He swept her into his arms, his usual greeting, and then set her back on her feet, giving her an enthusiastic kiss.

"Hi beautiful. How was your day?"

"It was okay. Dylan, can I talk to you?"

"What's up baby?"

His eyes were filled with concern.

"I'm pregnant."

His smile faded. "Pregnant?"

"Yes. Pregnant."

The word sounded strange coming out of her mouth when it was herself she was referring to.

"Okay. That's a lot to process Mel, give me a minute."

She wanted him to put his arms around her and tell her it was going to be okay, but she had a sinking feeling that wasn't going to happen.

He sat silently for several minutes, then said "Can I smoke in here? Never mind. I'm sorry."

She gestured to the ashtray on her coffee table. She'd been an on again off again social smoker, and had friends who smoked, so she kept an ashtray out.

"It's okay this time."

He lit a cigarette and took a deep drag. "This is some news baby girl."

He'd teasingly called her baby girl when they'd first started going out, since he was 6'3 and she was barely over five feet tall, and the nickname had stuck.

"It is."

She didn't know what to say after that, so she sat back on the couch and waited for him to continue.

He leaned over and put his cigarette out in the ashtray. "So do you know what you want to do?"

"Not exactly. I never wanted kids and we're broke, even between the two of us. We can hardly afford to take care of ourselves, let alone a kid."

"We could move in together, I mean if you wanted to." He sighed. "I don't know what kind of a father I'd be."

She shook her head at him. "I don't know how to be a mother."

"So I guess we have other options."

She looked away. She had had a false positive pregnancy test before and the first word out of her then boyfriend's mouth had been abortion. She didn't know how she was going to raise a child, but abortion had never seemed like an answer to her unless the situation was bad for other reasons like rape. Her heart sunk a little more.

"I don't want to have an abortion. And adoption, I don't know. I know lots of people want kids but . . . I don't know what to do Dyl."

He gathered her into his arms. She normally felt comforted there, but something was different this time. She felt like she had lost him.

He pulled back several minutes later. "Are you still up to going out or should we order in?"

"That's fine. Dyl?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too baby girl."

He squeezed her hand. They ordered Chinese food and spent the evening watching reruns on TV. Normally he would have stayed with her since they shared the next day off, but he told her he had to work in place of a friend that he worked with the next day and left shortly after ten p.m.

She cried herself to sleep that night, feeling helpless and very alone. She had come to the decision that she was going to keep the baby, but she was very afraid she had lost Dylan.

She awoke the next morning to a text message. It read 'I need time to think baby girl. I'll call you next week.'

She didn't bother to respond. She supposed it was better that he had chosen to walk away now rather than later, but it didn't hurt any less.

The weekend turned into a new week and she heard nothing from Dylan. The week passed and still nothing. So she started to plan her life and the life of their child without him. Since they lived in a large city with multiple suburbs, she didn't even have to worry about running into him.

Her mother tried to convince her to come home when she told her the news, but Melanie couldn't see herself going back to the small town she had grown up in with her tail between her legs, especially when she had fought so hard to escape in the first place. Her brothers teasingly threatened to kick Dylan's ass, and Mel laughed right along with them, though she hardly found it funny.

She felt like she sleepwalked through some days she had so much on her mind, but slowly but surely Melanie prepared herself for motherhood as the child grew within her. She still felt overwhelmed, but she found herself getting excited as her due date grew ever closer.

She was six months pregnant and half asleep on the couch when a knock sounded at her door. She had just moved into a two-bedroom apartment and hardly anyone knew where she lived, so she wondered who it could be.

She opened the door to see Dylan. She fought back the urge to close the door in his face and the other urge she had that was just as strong to throw herself into his arms.

He gave her a crooked smile. "Hello beautiful. Can we talk?"

She nodded, and let him follow her into the apartment. He sat uncomfortably in the easy chair while she curled back up on the couch, suddenly feeling very tired, fighting herself not to remember the number of times they'd made love on the couch.

"I've always been a fuck up Mel, just ask my parents-they'll be glad to tell you. I quit school, wouldn't go to college even when my uncle offered to pay for it. I messed around with women and drugs and booze. I never saw myself as the settle down type of guy. Until I met you. You were so beautiful and so good. I knew that I never deserved you even when I tried my hardest, but you made me want to try. When you told me you loved me the first time, I knew that I was a lucky man and told myself that I'd do whatever it took to keep you. I know that you don't need me to take care of you, but you always made me want to. When you told me we were having a baby, I was scared shitless. I sent you that text when my head was completely screwed up and knew right away that I had done the wrong thing. I wanted to make it up to you, but I wanted to do better too. It always made me feel bad when I could never take you anywhere nice."

"Dyl, I never cared about that. I just wanted you."

"I know. But I also knew that I had to stand up and act like a man for the first time in my life. I'm sorry that it's taken so damned long."

She gave him a puzzled look. "What do you mean Dylan?"

He pulled something out of his pocket. Her heart started to beat fast when she saw it was a jewelry box, the size that held a ring.

"I don't expect you to marry me today, or even anytime soon. I know that I didn't handle things the right way and I'm sorry. I just wanted you to be proud of me Mel."

"I was. You work so hard."

He squeezed her hand. "Thank you. I wanted to call you so many times, but I wanted to prove to you that I was good enough for you before I came on hands and knees to beg you to take me back."

He popped the ring box open and offered it to her. The diamond was tiny, but the setting was very nice and she was sure it had cost quite a bit of money.

"I know it's not much, but I had a lot of other stuff to buy too."

"It's beautiful Dyl. Thank you."

"Will you come for a ride with me? There's something I'd like to show you."

"Sure."

She was happy, so happy she could hardly see straight, but reason told her to be cautious. He reached out his hand to help her off the couch and she accepted, slipping her feet into her shoes and following him outside.

She expected to see his truck, but he led her to an older station wagon. She hid a smile.

"You loved that truck."

He shrugged. "It was costing me too much in gas anyway. This thing was a steal. I'm probably going to catch hell from my friends for the rest of my life for driving it, but what can you do?"

He was silent after that until he pulled into a trailer park half an hour or so later. He stopped in front of a trailer a few rows down and got out of the car, going around to open the door and help her out of the car.

"Whose house is this?"

He unlocked the door with a key from his keyring. "Ours."

She followed him into the house. "This is. . ."

"I have worked so much overtime in the past few months Mel, you wouldn't believe it. All I've done is work and sleep. But every bit of it was worth it. I wanted us to have a start. I know it's not much, but it's paid for. I had some money saved up anyway since I was planning on asking you to move in with me even before the baby. I love you Mel."

"Oh Dylan."

He gathered her gingerly into his arms, and kissed the top of her head.

"You don't have to say yes to any of this, but I would very much like to be your man again, and regardless of your decision on that, I do want to be a father to our baby. Do you know if it's a boy or girl? I'm sorry, I guess some people don't even want to know."

She gave him a gentle smile. "I haven't had an ultrasound yet. You're welcome to come to my next appointment, I think it's scheduled for that day."

"Okay."

He took her on a tour of the trailer. It was older, but had been kept up well. He proudly showed her the baby's room and it almost brought tears to her eyes. He had worked very hard in their time apart, and it touched her.

"So what do you think? I know it's not a real house, and the ring isn't the one I wanted to buy for you but. . ."

She silenced him with a kiss. "It's amazing Dylan. You're amazing."

"Thank you. I always used to listen to people that said they turned themselves around because someone came into their lives and I never really believed it. Until I met you. You're my reason Mel. My reason to try to be a better man. I don't know if I'll be a good father, but I'm going to try my best."

"I know you will Dyl."

It wasn't always easy. Melanie was still angry sometimes that he had left her alone for months, thinking that he no longer cared for her. But she also realized how important it had been to him to prove to her that he could be a better man. And as time went on, she loved him even more for it. Their son Dylan Ezekiel was born healthy and right on time. His parents were married six months after his birth, and though money wasn't always plentiful and times weren't always easy, they had a house full of love, and that was more important than anything money could ever buy.

# You're My Best Friend

When Sammi checked her voicemail and found a message from her best friend Zander telling her that his fiancé had broken off their engagement, she wanted to cheer. It sounded terrible for her to be happy over something that seemed unfortunate happening to her oldest and dearest friend, but she had known all along that he was marrying the wrong woman.

Sammi had told Zander she loved him for the first time when they were thirteen. She had meant it in a friendlier way than she did now though. She loved Zander fiercely, sometimes it felt like almost desperately. But he had been her best friend since she was five, and they fit together so well that they had been mercilessly teased in high school. They had never officially dated, but had shared many firsts together.

They had both been a bit awkward as teenagers, and besides each other, had both been a little intimidated by the opposite sex. It had seemed natural that they practice kissing and such with each other since it certainly seemed better than being hopelessly inexperienced. So he had been her first kiss, as well as her first lover.

Having sex had changed their relationship. She had looked at him differently after that, and she felt as if he had felt the same way. That had been the night she had admitted to herself that she loved him and had almost told him. But something had held her back, and to this day she hadn't told him that she loved him in more than a 'you're my best friend' kind of way.

She dialed Zander.

"I'm so sorry Zan."

The words were true in a way. She was sorry he was hurting at least.

He sighed. "I guess it was to be expected. She was out of my league."

Sammi snorted. "No woman that walks this planet is out of your league Zan, especially not a girl like Janie."

"I love you too Sammi, but you're being charitable."

"Why? You're cute, you're smart, you're funny, and you're kind. Much too kind sometimes."

"I'm thinking of coming up to visit this weekend."

"Great. We can get drunk and toast the death of your relationship."

"I know you never liked her Sammi, but could you try to be a little less happy that I lost my fiancé?"

"I'm sorry Zan. But I really do think you can do better."

"That doesn't count Sammi. It's like asking my mom. You two seem to think no woman will ever be good enough for me. Of course Mom thinks that I should marry you. I'm pretty sure she just wants cute little grandchildren with blonde hair and blue eyes."

She laughed. "I love your mom."

"Yeah. And at least she wouldn't hate my wife. You want to marry me Sammi? I already have a wedding planned."

She knew he was only kidding, but she would gladly have married him. Sometimes it hurt even more to love him since he was her best friend.

"Ha ha. I don't think I'd fit into the wedding dress you paid all that money for."

"Probably not. So I will see you Friday evening then? Can I stay at your place? I'm not in the mood for my mom to lecture me about how I'm never going to find the perfect girl until I admit the way I really feel about you. Sometimes I think she knows what we did together as teenagers."

A blush crept to her cheeks. She tried not to think about their encounters, but it was hard not to. She was sure she had probably romanticized it all in her head though, since she remembered it as amazing while in all honesty their kisses and love making were much more likely to have been awkward.

"She walked in on me teaching you to French kiss remember?"

"Right. I was a little let down that you got the tongue before I did."

"A little? Try a lot. I'll see you Friday Zan, and of course you can stay at my place."

She would have talked to him longer, but she was afraid she would make another less than charitable comment about Janie and end up upsetting him. They had sometimes talked for hours when one of them was going through a rough patch after he had left their home town and she had chosen to stay.

She had always had smaller dreams than his. She was happy to bartend, give tattoos on the side on occasion and write poetry. Small town life definitely wasn't for everyone, but she had always loved Welton. It would always be home to her.

"Bye Sammi. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For being my best friend."

"I love you Zan."

"I love you too Sammi. Bye."

She drifted through the next three days, preparing herself for Zander's visit. She even managed to switch shifts with another bartender so she could have the weekend off, even though it meant she would make far less tips for the week.

She met him at the door with a hug Friday evening. He looked tired, like he hadn't been sleeping well. He pulled back, following her into the house and shutting the door behind them. He gave her a tired smile.

"Damn Sammi, do you have a new boyfriend? You smell incredible."

"No boyfriend."

"Why not? Don't tell me you don't get hit on all the time. Between your day job, your side job and your poetry readings, guys have to be all over you."

She shook her head. "They know better than to touch me. Everyone knows I took that self-defense course."

"You took it so many times you could have taught the class."

"I know, but it made me feel better."

"I'm sorry Sammi."

Shortly after Zander had left for college, a man in his twenties who was passing through town had come on to Sammi and hadn't wanted to take no for an answer. He had ripped her shirt and was roughly fondling her breasts when a man happened to walk by. He had pulled the man off of her and beaten him bloody. She had ended up briefly dating her savior and Zander had seemed a little jealous. That was when she had taken the self-defense class three times in a row, because it had made her feel better knowing she would be better able to defend herself.

"So I'm making chicken parmesan for dinner. And we have plenty of booze and bad TV. Sound good?"

He smiled. "It sounds great. Thank you."

They had a quiet dinner and then the real fun began. They tossed back shot after shot, and then started on the mixed drinks. She was far on the way to being wasted when Zander leaned over and kissed her. She wasted no time then, because she had wanted it for so long.

She stripped them both and led him to her bedroom. Their love making was incredible. But she wanted more, and seduced him a second time before they fell asleep. She wasn't thinking about what the next morning would bring.

The next morning brought her an empty bed and an empty house. She checked the guest room and found it just as empty as the rest of the house. She wanted to cry. She wished she hadn't been so aggressive the night before, but he had been the one who had made the first move. And it had not been a casual kiss as they sometimes shared, always seeming to dance on the edge of flirtation. It had been a tongue in the mouth, fistful of her ponytail kiss.

She dialed Zander as she started a pot of coffee and wasn't surprised when her call went straight to voicemail. She wondered if he was visiting his mother or another of his friends or simply avoiding her. She chose not to leave a message.

She tried to keep her mind off of him, worried that she had taken things too far. But by the time afternoon turned into evening and he still hadn't returned her call or come back to the house, she was just as angry with him as she was with herself.

He had always been the one content to leave their adult relationship just at the line between friendly and flirtatious. He had been known to kiss her on the lips when he was drunk and had quite often gotten away with copping a feel of her breasts or her butt when she would have slapped another man who was not her man for doing the same. He seemed to want her, but also seemed afraid to take the step to change their relationship.

She was tired of beating around the bush. She wanted to know for once and for all whether he loved her in more than a friendly way and she was going to do her best to get a straight answer out of him. Even if his answer left her with a broken heart.

She dialed his number again and knew he was ignoring her. The call went directly to voicemail again. She left a message this time though.

"If you don't answer me or return my calls, I'll hunt you down. We've been best friends for twenty-seven years so you know I mean it."

She hung up her phone, wondering how long it would take him to call her back. Ten minutes later his ringtone came from her phone. She answered with a smile on her face.

"He's alive."

"Ha ha Sammi. We don't have to talk about last night. We both know what it was."

"And exactly what is that Zan?"

"A drunken mistake. I'm sorry Sammi. Sometimes I forget that the beautiful woman beside me is my best friend."

"Will you come back Zan? Please."

"I don't think that's a good idea Sammi. I think we need to be honest with ourselves."

"What are you talking about Zan?"

"I think we've outgrown our friendship. We're not teenagers anymore. It's different when we mess around now. I'm attracted to you, and I know you've kind of had a thing for me for a while, but we don't fit Sammi. I can't spend the rest of my life in this town."

"Home is where the heart is Zan. I don't have to live here. I stayed because I like it here."

"I almost asked you to go with me when I left."

"Oh. I guess if you think we shouldn't be friends anymore Zan, I'll have to live with it. Best of luck with your life."

"Sammi wait."

She hung up on him, tears stinging her eyes. She was disappointed in him, and in herself. She was also angry. He'd admitted he wanted her, but had chosen to turn his back on what they could have and then chosen to shut her out of his life completely.

She poured herself a drink and had gone through many more by the time she fell asleep that night. She awoke the next morning to a pounding in her head and a pounding at her door.

She sat up and the room spun a bit. She waited for it to stop, then got out of bed much more slowly and carefully than she had sat up.

The knocking had subsidized and she called out "Just a minute."

Zander took it as an invitation to let himself in. He gave her an apologetic smile and held out a bouquet of flowers.

She gave him a dirty look. "Go away. You're a coward."

He chuckled. "I am huh?"

She curled up on the couch. "My head hurts. And yes, you are a coward."

He put the flowers in a vase in the kitchen, then retrieved a bottle of ibuprofen from the medicine cabinet in her downstairs bathroom. He handed her two tablets and a bottle of water he had taken from the fridge.

She took the tablets, not looking at him. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to apologize."

"So apologize and then go away."

"Oh Sammi. I really am sorry. I'm sorry for the things I said. I was scared after what we did the other night. Making love to you is unlike any woman I've ever been with."

"What's your point?"

"My point is that I screwed up. I've wanted you since we were teenagers. I always knew that we fit together, but you never cared about escaping Welton. I figured that between the complications of our friendship and us seeming to want different things in life, it would be better if we both moved on and found partners that were more reasonable for us."

"We're not nervous teenagers fooling around in your basement anymore Zan. Relationships are about compromise. If you had asked me to leave with you when you left for school I might have gone. But you never asked."

"I was scared that if we took the step to be more than friends, we'd screw things up and I'd lose you completely. I can't imagine my life without you Sammi. I'm so sorry I said those things to you on the phone."

"Zan, I know that the thought that maybe we wouldn't fit together as well as it seems like we would is scary. But if you go into a relationship feeling like that, it seems to me you're already dooming it. I love you with my whole heart Zan. I'm ready to take that step. I think that after all this time, it deserves a real chance."

"I think you're right."

He leaned over and gave her a gentle kiss. "I love you Sammi."

"I love you Zander."

The words felt different coming from her mouth that time. For the first time, she had told him she loved him in more than a 'you're my best friend' way. He felt the difference too, and smiled.

"Hey, guess what?"

She gave him her childhood reply. "Chicken butt."

He rolled his eyes good naturedly. "I may be moving back."

"Oh really."

"Yes. Old man Winterly is retiring and since neither of his sons are around to take over the agency, he wants me to do it. He's been bugging my mom for months to get me back here."

"That's great Zan. But is that what you really want?"

"A wise woman once told me that home is where the heart is. And you have always been the best part of my heart Sammi."

He kissed her, slowly and gently. She knew that the transition from friends to lovers was easier for her to take than it was for him, and knew that small town life sometimes drove Zander crazy. But she loved him very much and did her best to make the transition easier for him. And soon he was relieved to find that they made just as natural lovers as they had always been friends.

# Dirty Secret

"When are we going to meet your mysterious new boyfriend?"

Jewel shook her head. "How is he mysterious when I showed you his picture and his profile?"

"You've been together six months and we still haven't met him. No offense Jewel, but something smells a little fishy. Are you sure he's not married?"

"He's not married. I've been to his house."

Ana shrugged. "You never know these days. But something does seem off hon. Something about your man is too good to be true."

"You're just jealous."

"I was at first. He is hot, but it's like you two keep the rest of your lives separate. It's a little weird."

"It's not on purpose. The timing has just been bad. I have to go Ana. I have a date tonight."

She loved being with Brandon, but by the time she realized that she was in love with him, she had realized something was off with their relationship too.

They were lying together in his bed. They had been together eight months and she wanted to tell him she loved him, but something was holding her back.

"Brandon, there has to be a time you can meet my friends. They've been bugging me for months. And my parents are going to be in town this weekend. I thought that maybe. . ."

"Babe, I told you. I'm so busy with work that I can barely make time to see you."

It sounded like another excuse to her ears and she got out of bed. He tried to pull her back to him, but she resisted. He tried to give her his trademark sexy grin, but she turned away, reaching for her panties.

"You don't have to leave already do you baby?"

"I'm meeting my friend Ana. You could come."

"I have to be up early in the morning baby. You know that."

She hid a sigh and as the days passed, she realized more and more that she wasn't ever going to be anything more than sex to Brandon. She was tempted to stop seeing him, but on rare occasions he showed her the man he could be. That was the man she had fallen in love with.

On the night they had been together nine months, she told him that she loved him. She could see in his eyes that he felt it too, but he said nothing, and when he made another excuse the next time she asked him to meet her friends, she knew it was over.

"I'm nothing more than a dirty secret to you and I never will be, will I Brandon?"

Tears stung her eyes.

"No baby, you're wrong. I love you. I tried to deny it, but it's true. I love you Jewel."

She shook her head sadly. "If you loved me you wouldn't hide me from your friends and family."

"I never meant to. It wasn't on purpose."

But she had gone through his pictures on the social network they had connected on, and seen pictures of him out with his friends. Recent pictures.

"I don't believe you. I won't fool myself anymore."

"I'm sorry Jewel. My friends are immature and superficial. I wasn't sure how they would take me dating someone with purple hair and tattoos. But I don't care anymore. I love you. I thought you loved me too."

"I did. But I want to be with someone that would shout it from the rooftops that I was his the second he had me, not with someone that it took over nine months to figure out what they had. I deserve better."

And Jewel walked away with her head held high, never to be anyone's dirty secret again.

Time went on and she met a man who was very proud to call her his. She gave him her heart, and he gave her his last name.

# Forgetting Him

She had always known that it was wrong to still love him, to think of him the way she did when he belonged to another woman. But she couldn't help herself. She still loved him and she couldn't move on with her life.

It was late when she called him, as it often was. Her boyfriend had left an hour or so ago and she was lonely. But it wasn't her current man whose arms she wanted to be in. It was her lost love, the man she thought of as her true love.

He answered the phone with a quiet "Hey baby. What's up?"

"Is she awake?"

He let out a quiet sigh. "She and the baby are both asleep. You know that I love to hear from you Ciara, but we have to stop this."

"Sal baby, don't you love me anymore?"

"You know I do. But we missed our chance baby, we screwed everything up and there's no taking it back now."

He was referring to the reason for their breakup, which had begun with her drunken infidelity and had eventually ended up where they were now, with him the father of another woman's child and her dating other men when he was all she really wanted.

"I can't get you out of my head babe. We were meant to be together."

"I used to think that too. I think about you, I dream about you, I sometimes wonder what it would be like if you were the mother of my child. But we have to move on. I'm marrying her Cia."

She was stunned. "Sal. I don't want to spend the rest of my life without you. How can you do this to me?"

"I love her Ciara. She's the mother of my child."

"But you don't love her the way you love me. We can fix this baby, we can be together again. You can still see your daughter."

"Son."

"I'm sorry Sal."

"I need to go. Will you come to the wedding?"

"You have to be kidding."

He sighed. "I wish things had gone differently, but they didn't. I'll always love you, but Jamie and Harry are my life now."

She wanted to yell at him. She wanted to tell him that he had obviously never loved her since he'd been with Jamie only a week after he'd broken it off with her, but she was the one who had cheated and screwed their relationship up in the first place.

"Good luck with the rest of your life Sal."

And she hung up on him. She cried herself to sleep that night. She was half tempted to call Jimmy, her boyfriend, but he wasn't much more than a good lay to her and probably never would be. Though he called her his girlfriend, she knew that the title may as well have read "fuck buddy."

She tried to get Sal off of her mind but it didn't work, because it never had. His handsome face haunted her dreams, forever reminding her that she was going to lose him forever.

The wedding invitation arrived in her mailbox six weeks later. Her first instinct was to tear it into a thousand pieces, but she thought better of it, and took it into the house with the rest of her mail.

The wedding was taking place at a local church another six weeks in the future. She hadn't spoken to Sal since the night he'd told her he was marrying Jamie.

Part of Ciara wanted to show up at the wedding in a killer dress to make sure Sal knew exactly he was missing out on, but she knew she wouldn't do it. All of his family and friends would be there and she had gotten to know some of them quite well during her three-year relationship with Sal. She couldn't believe he had asked Jamie to marry him when they had only been together a year and a half, when he had never bothered to propose marriage to her once in three years.

It was all more than a little humiliating and she knew that there was no way she would attend the wedding. She figured she would stay home that day and get drunk and eat junk food, maybe even see if she could talk her pothead neighbor out of a joint.

Channing was cute and she had broken it off with Jimmy, tired of his immaturity and the fact that they hardly ever had a real conversation. She wasn't sure she'd ever love another man. The thought saddened her, but she couldn't take back what she'd done, and it was glaringly obvious that Sal had moved on with his life.

She tried to keep herself busy and managed to pick up some overtime at work. She planned to treat herself to a night out on the town, but it suddenly seemed pathetic to go out alone. She had alienated all her close girlfriends while she was with Sal and most of the people she worked with were older and had children, so she didn't really have a friend to call to go out with her.

She was headed out, feeling a little depressed, when she looked up and saw her sexy unkempt neighbor. She could smell marijuana every time she walked by his apartment and his eyes were almost always bloodshot. She wasn't sure if he had a job, or just sold weed, but he had seemed nice enough the few times they had talked.

She felt even more pathetic for asking him since she barely knew him, but she threw caution to the wind and approached him.

"Hey Channing."

He smiled. "Hey Ciara. Did I say your name right?"

She returned his smile. "You did. Um, are you busy tonight?"

He shook his head. "I'm normally a stay at home kind of guy. You headed out? You look hot by the way."

"Thank you. Would you like to have a drink with me?"

"I prefer the green stuff and am not a big fan of bars. I have spaghetti on and garlic bread. If you'd like to eat with me you can. There's plenty."

She frowned. "I had my heart set on getting wasted tonight."

He chuckled. "No hangover when you smoke bud."

"I haven't smoked since high school." She bit her lip. "What do you like to drink? I'll go to the liquor store."

"Beer is good, or whatever you're drinking really. I used to be a big drinker, but not so much anymore."

"Okay. Is there anything I can pick up to help with dinner while I'm out?"

"Nope. Dinner is covered."

"Okay. I will see you in a few minutes then."

"Sounds good."

She headed back to her car and he went back in his apartment. She was amused to find she was excited to be spending the evening with him. He was attractive, but she didn't think she'd ever seen him not stoned.

She picked up a six pack of beer and a bottle of her favorite liquor along with a bottle of soda and headed back home. As she pulled into the parking lot, she wondered if dinner with Channing was a good idea. She didn't want to regret it later since she had to live practically next door to him. But then she thought screw it and knocked on his door. It was open a crack.

"Come in," he called out.

She opened his door gingerly and was overwhelmed by the smell of marijuana. She knew better than to think that she could get a contact high, but she hadn't been around anyone smoking weed for a while and it overwhelmed her senses.

He came out of a tiny kitchen that was identical to the one in her apartment and gave her an easy going smile. "I wasn't sure you were going to come back."

"I love spaghetti and I can never seem to cook it right."

"You must be a terrible cook. Spaghetti is easy."

"That wasn't nice, but you are right. I am a terrible cook."

"I guess your boyfriend can cook huh?"

"If you're talking about Jimmy, he was never really my boyfriend, more like a friend with benefits."

"Not him. The one that used to live here."

She had forgotten that he had moved into the building shortly before Sal left her.

"He's marrying another woman."

"I'm sorry. That must be hard. Are you hungry?"

"Very. Do you want a beer or a mixed drink?"

"A beer would be fine. Come make your plate and you can put that in the fridge."

She made her plate. The food smelled wonderful and tasted even better and she told him so. The conversation was easy and Ciara found herself liking Channing very much.

He was nothing like she had thought he would be. He was intelligent, funny and kind. She would have wanted very much to see him again if he weren't a pot dealer and if she were over Sal.

He convinced her to smoke a bowl with him after dinner and she was soon pleasantly stoned and buzzed from the alcohol. She made the move to kiss him, but wasn't quite sure how they ended up in his bedroom.

But she shut it all out because he was warm and willing and she wanted him very much. He was an incredible lover and she wanted to spend many more nights with him, but knew she wouldn't. She waited until he fell asleep and dressed in the dark, breathing a sigh of relief when she was in her own apartment.

She didn't regret the night she'd spent with Channing. They had connected and she had told him things she hadn't told anyone including about the night she had cheated on Sal. He had shared with her as well, telling her that he had once wanted to be a doctor but he'd been dealing pot for the last four years. He also told her that his fiancé had died five years before and that she'd been pregnant with his child.

Channing was not the man she'd thought he was, but he was still a drug dealing pothead, and she couldn't see herself with a man like that.

So she avoided him. It became easier after a while and she was almost able to forget about the night she had spent with him. Until he suddenly appeared before her on the day of Sal's wedding.

She had just returned from the grocery store with an arsenal of alcohol and junk food and had been looking forward to a night of drowning her misery. She had performed her usual careful check of the parking lot to make sure that Channing wasn't around, but he was standing on her doorstep when she reached it.

He looked different, more together. His eyes were clear, and he'd trimmed his hair and shaved. He no longer looked like an adorably sexy stoner, he looked like a well put together man. She smiled.

"You look amazing Channing."

"Thank you. I remembered your ex was getting married today and wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I think I am actually."

"That's good to hear. Look Ciara, I like you. I know that you don't feel the same way. It took me a few days to figure out you were avoiding me, but I got it. I just wanted to let you know that even if you don't dig me like I do you, that I don't regret our night together. It was amazing."

"It was. Channing, I do like you, I just don't know that I can be with a drug dealer. I know it's only weed but. . ."

"I sold my last bag two weeks ago and smoked my last bowl the day after. I thought that it bothered you and it was about time to stop anyway. I'm getting too old for that shit."

She laughed. "Really?"

"Really. Would you like to go out sometime?"

"I have plenty of alcohol and junk food."

"Sure."

They spent a nice evening together and many more followed. Sal called her ironically enough the night after Channing told her he loved her and begged her to meet him, but she realized that she no longer felt for him what she once had. And she eventually realized that though she had been intoxicated when she'd been unfaithful to him, she had been aware enough to know what she was doing and had made a conscious choice to cheat. That told her that he had never been the man she was meant to be with.

And the more time she spent with Channing, the further he was from her mind until he eventually no longer held a place there.

# Where it Belongs

"You should let me take you out to dinner some time."

Karen shook her head. "I don't think that's a good idea."

Alec sighed. "I shouldn't have stepped out of the friend zone. I'm sorry."

"Not to sound cliché, but it's not you, it's me."

"Sure. Like I haven't heard that one before. I thought you liked me too."

"I do like you Alec. You're smart and funny and you're the kindest person I know."

"I just don't give you butterflies in your stomach huh?"

She turned away from him. "I've always found you attractive Alec."

And she had even if he wasn't conventionally attractive. His dark hair was unruly and thick glasses hid his beautiful hazel eyes, his nose was a little too long and had a bump in it and he was a few pounds overweight. But she adored him. He made her laugh and he did make her heart beat fast. She had probably been half in love with him for over a year, but she couldn't go out with him, even with as much as she wanted to.

"So why won't you go out with me then? Is it because we work together? There's so many people that work there, they'd never even notice."

"Can we talk about something else please?"

"How long have we worked together Kar?"

"Two years."

"And we're friends right?"

"Of course."

"So why does it feel like even with as much as we talk, you never really talk to me? If there's something you're ashamed of in your past, it might help to talk about it. I care about you."

"I know. I have to go. Thank you for the coffee."

She started to get up from the table, but Alec laid a gentle hand on her arm.

"Karen."

"Yes?"

"I really do care about you."

She nodded, but didn't look at him as she walked away. It hurt to walk away from him, but she couldn't ask a man like Alec to accept her past when she could hardly accept it herself. Not to mention the fact that the last man that she'd cared about and had told the truth had walked away without looking back.

She walked the few short blocks to her apartment briskly, trying to get Alec out of her head. It didn't work though, and his face was in her mind when she fell asleep.

She was nervous when she got to the bus stop that night, knowing she would have to face Alec at work. The ride was long and her thoughts raced the whole way. She even pondered the idea of changing her shift, but moving from graveyard to another shift would mean she lost the extra dollar an hour incentive she got for working the graveyard shift and she couldn't afford that.

She managed to avoid Alec until break time and they spoke little then. But when she got to the bus stop after work, he was waiting for her, leaning against his motorized scooter. She wanted to run in the other direction, but the bus stop was the only one anywhere close that would take her home, and he'd already spotted her anyway.

She approached him slowly, heart beating fast. She could smell his cologne as she got closer and it was threatening to drive her crazy. He smelled so good that the one time she had let him give her a ride home before she'd had to stop herself from breathing in his scent.

He gestured to the scooter. "Get on. Please."

She hid a sigh. "I'd rather not."

He smiled. "You just don't want to have to hold onto me."

"Whatever you say Alec."

She was blushing, she could feel it.

"I'm only teasing Kar. I know you have an hour bus ride ahead of you. Please."

"Fine."

He got on the scooter and she got on behind him. She wanted to hold him tightly, wanted him to be hers and hers alone, but she was afraid she would lose him completely if he knew the truth about her and his friendship meant too much to her to give up.

The scooter wasn't all that fast, but he still got her home much sooner than the bus would have. He pulled up in front of her apartment building and parked. She climbed off the bike gratefully, eager to escape.

"Thank you. I'll see you at work Friday."

"Karen wait. Let me take you out to breakfast. Not a date. Just you and me and a couple stacks of pancakes."

"I don't like pancakes."

"Eggs and bacon then. Have a cheeseburger if you want. Hell have a hot fudge sundae, I don't care. I just want to spend time with you."

She sighed. "I'm not the woman you think I am Alec."

"So tell me who you are, show me who you are. I like you and it's not just because you're beautiful. I want to know you Karen. All you have to do is give me a chance. I know you like me. You told me so yourself."

"It doesn't matter Alec. You wouldn't like the real me. Even I don't like her."

"Kar, why won't you let anyone in? Who hurt you?"

"Lots of people. And I hurt more people than I want to think about too."

"You're too damned hard on yourself. We all have baggage from our pasts, but your past is the past. It can only hurt you if you let it. But pushing it all down doesn't help. It will just keep popping back up until you deal with it. You don't have to do it alone. I'm right here and I want to help you."

"You don't want to hear the truth Alec."

He sighed. "I haven't had a perfect life either. I was even bigger in high school and I got teased endlessly for it and had my ass kicked over it. I've tried to kill myself four times. My nose is screwed up because my stepdad broke it when I was ten. He took out his frustration on me for years until he kicked me out the day after I turned eighteen. It was my mom's house since my grandma left it to her and she let him. I was in love with a woman before, we were engaged actually, but I found out she was cheating and had been using me the whole time. I was beside myself when you started flirting with me. You're beautiful even if you are too skinny and you seem a lot more real than most women do these days. Was I wrong? Were you just flirting with me because you thought of me as safe? I know some women do that."

A blush rose to her cheeks again. "I was fat in high school too. I thought the only way I could get a guy to like me was to sleep with him."

"So you made mistakes. You're not that person anymore."

"That's hardly the worst thing I did."

"So what is it? As long as you don't have a secret husband and children, or bodies buried in your backyard, I think I can probably handle it."

He smiled and she knew he was hoping to coax a smile out of her, but she couldn't. She turned away.

"I don't want to discuss this."

"Not talking about it isn't going to make it go away."

She got the feeling that he wasn't going to let it go. So she decided to be blunt in the hopes of scaring him away.

"I ran away from home at seventeen. I liked sex so the idea of having it for money sounded great. Only it wasn't like I thought it would be. I sold my body from seventeen until twenty-one. I did every drug you can think of. Then I turned to booze. But it didn't work either. I quit hooking because this man basically bought me. He took care of me, but it ruined his marriage. I ruined three other marriages after that. I have a thirteen-year-old daughter and I have no idea who her father is. I am not a good person Alec. You don't want me. You deserve better."

He took her into his arms, turning her gently and tipping her chin to make her look at him. "Why did you leave home at seventeen?"

Tears stung her eyes. "My mom's boyfriend thought that because I was sleeping with half the boys in school I might as well sleep with him too. He tried to force himself on me."

"Oh Karen. I'm so sorry."

She looked up at him. "Alec?"

"Yes beautiful?"

"You have to be too good to be true."

He chuckled. "Me, too good to be true? I'm overweight and half blind with a fucked up nose."

She touched his face gently. "I don't see that when I look at you. I see a man who is kind, funny and smart. A good man."

"And when I look at you I see a beautiful woman who will probably never see just how beautiful she is. You're not the scared girl you were Karen. And I think that we both know that you wouldn't make the same choices if you could do it all over again. So stop punishing yourself."

He kissed her. It was slow and gentle and full of emotion. She wanted more, and had for a long time, but she was afraid.

"I'm scared Alec."

"We're all scared sometimes, but you can't let it stop you from living. If you're willing to take a chance on me, I'm more than willing to take a chance on you."

She smiled. "I am."

It was a big step for her and he knew it. He squeezed her hand. "Thank you. You name the time and the place."

Now that she knew that they might have an actual chance of being together, she didn't want him to leave her side.

"Breakfast sounds wonderful."

He grinned so wide she thought it might split his face. "Great."

Their relationship progressed slowly. Karen wasn't used to a man who didn't try to get down her pants on the first date, but Alec was a true gentleman. When they made love for the first time, Karen came to the realization that she had never actually made love before, and it was an incredible feeling.

She took Alec to meet her daughter Maddy shortly after their one-year anniversary. Maddy lived with a distant cousin of Karen's. Though she'd been adopted, Karen was still Mom and for that she was grateful, though there had been many times when she'd felt she didn't deserve the title.

Alec proposed on the day of their two-year anniversary and Karen accepted happily. With the help of Alec she'd been able to forgive herself for the mistakes she had made in her past and truly move on with her life.

# Wait for You

"When are you going to get over him and move on with your life?"

Olivia shook her head. "I'm not going to get over him."

"Sis, it's been four years."

"Don't you think I know how long it's been?" Olivia laughed.

"I'm sure you've counted every hour." Jet sighed. "But enough is enough. It's time to put on your big girl panties and admit to yourself that he's never coming back."

Olivia rolled her eyes at her younger sister. "Big words from a soccer mom."

"My kids aren't even old enough to play soccer smartass. I'm saying this because I care about you Liv. You deserve better. He walked away from you, remember?"

"Yes. He walked away. I was pregnant with his child. And we had been together six months and his wife and child had been gone a year. It was too much for him."

"Why do you still make excuses for him? How can you possibly still love a man that abandoned not only you, but your child, HIS child?"

"I guess you wouldn't understand."

"Why? Because I didn't smoke a lot of pot in high school and believe in free love? I know what love is Liv. And it's not abandoning the woman who is pregnant with your child. It's sticking around, and helping her raise your child, loving her when she isn't lovable, taking care of your kids when they're acting so badly you hardly want to admit you had a hand in creating them."

"That is love Sis. You're right. But nothing you or Mom say will convince me he's not coming back. He'll come when he's ready."

"Honey, your love for him is practically delusional at this point. Yes, Beatty Sloane was a good looking man, and he was a hell of a carpenter. I thought he loved you. I could see it in the way he looked at you. But he was so damned wounded. It was like it hurt him to love you sometimes. Mom and I worry about you, we worry about Billie."

"My daughter and I are fine. Just because I have a garden, eat organic and plan to homeschool Billie doesn't mean I'm a hippie. And even if it did, so what? What's wrong with hippies?"

Jet made a face. "Are you still growing marijuana?"

"Yes. And I'm still not smoking it."

"What are you going to tell your daughter when she asks about those plants?"

"The truth. It's medicine."

"Yeah. The fact that it also happens to get you high is just a bonus right?" Jet shook her head. "I want you to meet someone. Bring Billie over for dinner on Saturday."

"Not another set up Jet. I'm not looking for a man."

"He doesn't deserve your loyalty."

"Yes Mother. You sound just like her."

"And she did a damned good job of raising us almost by herself. So what's wrong with that? Think about dinner. Let me know."

Jet brushed a kiss against Olivia's cheek. "I love you. Don't hate me for worrying about you."

"I love you too. I could never hate my baby sister."

Jet made a face. "Still a baby at twenty-five when I have three kids of my own."

Olivia laughed. "You'll always be my baby sister, baby sister."

"Ha ha old woman. I'll call you. Give the princess a kiss for me."

"She's no princess. I've got myself a bona fide tomboy."

"Who happens to love the color pink and owns twenty-five pairs of shoes that you claim she picked out herself." Jet laughed.

"She did pick them out. Pointed her little finger at every pair and said in the firm voice of a stubborn three-year-old "want that Mama"."

"You're in for it when she's a teenager."

Olivia grinned. "At least I won't be the mother of three all at once."

"Don't remind me. I have to go. Please think about dinner. And call Mom."

Jet walked out without another word. Olivia sat back on the couch and shook her head. She didn't think her sister and mother would ever stop lecturing her about Beatty. But it didn't mean she was going to stop waiting for him.

Liv could understand why Jet worried about her, though her sister was five years her junior. Jet had been the good girl, always had good grades in school, always did what was expected of her. She was steady and reliable like their mother, and had married her high school sweetheart.

Liv had been quiet, and almost painfully shy with few friends until she had smoked a joint at a party her freshman year in high school. It hadn't gotten her high the first time, but the first time she had gotten high, it was like Olivia not only broke out of her shell, it was like she'd never had one to begin with.

She had been a "loose" girl in high school, and had had many boyfriends, but she'd never been the type to juggle boyfriends. She had discovered she'd liked smoking pot and liked sex and had enjoyed both freely. Her parents had threatened to disown her more than once during her high school days.

She'd discovered more than an intense attraction to the opposite sex after her discovery of marijuana. She'd also discovered both a talent for poetry, and a talent for art, both of which were quite useful in her career as a children's book author.

Olivia had smoked a great deal of weed during high school and after, up until the day she had found out she was pregnant with Billie. She hadn't smoked since then, and grew now for people who couldn't afford to grow their own, and definitely couldn't afford the premium medical grade prices found at the local dispensaries. She knew it drove her mother crazy, but Olivia was thirty and a grown woman who happened to be doing just fine, better than fine, and she and Billie were happy.

They had a little house on the outskirts of town, and it was paid for. Olivia made a decent living, and she and Billie were comfortable. When Beatty came home, their family would be complete. Olivia had always had faith that he would come back, she just didn't know when it would be.

She had loved Beatty Sloane from the moment she had laid eyes on him. He was tall and lean, with unruly dark hair and eyes that looked right through you. His eyes looked out at her from their daughter's face, draped in the long, lush eyelashes that had come from Beatty as well.

She hadn't noticed the wedding ring on his finger at first, but when she had it had felt like her heart had broken in her chest. She had known he was meant to be hers and the thought that he belonged to another woman had been almost too much to bear.

Then she'd learned that the wedding ring he wore tied him to a wife that was no longer living. And so she had pursued him with an unashamed determination. He had ignored her, he had snapped at her, and then finally he had given in and agreed to go out with her.

She had made him laugh. He had been so surprised it had told her that he had forgotten the sound of his own laughter. She had seduced him on their third date, because she could tell that he needed to feel close to someone again, to feel alive again. He had been so passionate, and they had fit so well together.

It was almost as if he had come to the conclusion that it was okay to live again. He had even told her that he loved her, and Olivia had known the words came hard for him. He had loved his wife and son very much, and their passing had broken him. She had been trying to help him put himself back together when they'd created Billie.

She had hoped that it would be what helped him to put the last broken pieces of his heart back together, but the knowledge of their child had had the opposite effect. She could remember the day like it was yesterday.

Her heart had felt like it was going to pound out of her chest as she waited for him. When he'd knocked she'd had to wipe her sweaty palms before she could open the door. She had blurted her news almost immediately, not able to hold it in any longer, thinking, knowing he was going to be happy.

But he'd just looked at her, saying nothing for several minutes. The smile had frozen on her face. Finally, he had kissed her, murmuring into her ear that he loved her and walked away. She hadn't seen him since.

She knew that her mother and sister thought she was half crazy for continuing to wait for him. She knew that half the town probably thought she was crazy, but she didn't care. Beatty Sloane was the man she was meant to be with. She had waited her whole life for him and she would wait the rest of her life if she had to. She hoped he didn't make her and their daughter wait that long, but she realized she had pushed him too far too fast.

Beatty had felt what she had and it had scared him. Joni had been his high school sweetheart, the only girl he had ever loved, and losing her and their son William had been like losing his heart.

There was a picture in the living room, something Beatty probably hadn't meant to leave behind. His first family. Jet said it was creepy, but she thought that it was important that her daughter know who the people in the picture were, her father and her brother especially.

Olivia missed Beatty. Her body sometimes craved the touch of a man so much that it threatened to drive her crazy. But she held out for HER man. No matter what anyone else thought.

Life went on as it always did. Billie grew. She learned and she developed and Olivia cherished it all, the good and the bad. Being with Beatty had taught her to appreciate the small moments. They danced in the rain and jumped in mud puddles, they chased rainbows and sang songs that they made up together along the way. Olivia loved her daughter and loved her even more so because she was Beatty's daughter too.

On dark, lonely nights she sometimes lost faith in him and she cried. Olivia sometimes cursed him, sometimes she cursed herself for loving him. But mostly she cherished the memories, and she saw him in their daughter.

Jet still attempted to set her up with this man or that man now and then, but Olivia always stuck to her guns.

On Billie's fifth birthday, the festivities were held at a local park. Olivia was distracted, and had lost sight of her little girl when she turned at a tap on her shoulder.

She turned and looked into a familiar pair of midnight blue eyes. Her heart threatened to pound out of her chest. She wanted to throw herself into his arms, but she settled for drinking in the sight of him.

There was gray scattered throughout his hair now, but other than that he looked exactly the same as she remembered him. The love of her life stood before her, and Olivia couldn't say a word.

He cleared his throat. "You are a sight for sore eyes beautiful, but there was someone else I was hoping to see too."

Olivia shook her head, realizing once again that she'd been looking for Billie when Beatty had suddenly appeared. She let out a shaky laugh. "She's around here somewhere, I promise."

Billie appeared in front of them, giving Olivia a questioning look.

"Billie, this is. . ."

Billie put out her small hand. "Wait."

She tilted her head and looked up at Beatty. "This is my dad." She nodded matter-of-factly, satisfied with her conclusion. "He looks like the picture."

"Yes. This is your dad."

Billie stuck out her hand to Beatty. "Nice to meet you. Mom, can cousin Selena spend the night tonight?"

"We'll see honey. If not tonight, then over the weekend. Stay where I can see you please."

"Okay."

Billie gave Beatty one more curious glance and then ran off towards the playground.

"She's beautiful. Billie huh?"

Olivia shrugged. She sat down at the picnic table where they could still keep an eye on their daughter. She could see Jet looking at her wide eyed, but she ignored her sister and turned back to Beatty. "I had a terrible time coming up with a name for her. I finally decided to name her in memory of her brother."

"Thank you. Livy, I can't tell you how sorry I am that I wasn't strong enough to stick around. I've missed so much of her life already. I know that I don't have the right to ask, and that in the eyes of the law I've abandoned her, but I would like to be a part of her life."

Olivia gave him a crooked smile. She had noticed that he had made the decision to take off his wedding ring. "Do you still have room in your heart for me?"

He smiled. It was the most genuine smile she had seen him wear since she had known him. "My heart always knew you belonged there, even when I fought it. I tried to forget Livy, told myself that I didn't deserve you or our child, that no woman would possibly wait for a man like me, that no mother would tell a child about a father like me. But you did."

"The only picture I had of you was with Joni and William. You'd never take a picture with me. I waited for you because I always knew that we were meant to be together."

"I love you Livy. I know that I don't deserve your love, and that I have a lot of catching up to do with our little girl, but I'm willing to devote the rest of my life to you, to our family, if you'll have me."

"I love you Beatty. I always have."

He kissed her and the world seemed to stop for a moment. They existed only for each other, until reality broke in with the clearing of Jet's throat in front of them.

"Sorry to interrupt your reunion, but Selena and Billie are insisting that it is slumber party night tonight. Your house or mine?" She looked back and forth between her sister and Beatty. "Never mind. We still have those clothes I've been meaning to give you, so you don't need to worry about a change of clothes. I'll bring her home around noon tomorrow if that's okay."

"Sure."

"It's good to see you Beatty."

Then Jet turned and walked away.

The party passed in a whirlwind of activity. They watched their daughter open presents, and then ate birthday cake and ice cream that was on its way quickly to puddle status.

Some welcomed Beatty with open arms, and some seemed less than thrilled with his return, her mother and sister included. But Olivia was too happy to let anything get her down.

They handed Billie off to Aunt Jet and Uncle Abe, and then cleared the trash from the party. Then Beatty followed Olivia home.

They talked for hours, then made love for many more. Making love to Beatty was like coming home and the joining of their bodies was even closer to perfection than Olivia had remembered it being.

Billie accepted her father into her life with little fuss. She loved spending time with him, and had endless questions about her brother. They were a little hard for Beatty to take at first, but he was soon sharing tales of William much easier. Olivia could tell that it still hurt, but he no longer let it hurt so much that he shied away from the memories.

She never asked him why it had taken him so long to come back to them. Olivia simply loved him and it was enough.

They were together three years the second time around before he asked her to be his wife, and it was another year before she wore his last name, but Beatty had always been worth the wait for Olivia. They grew old happily together, completing their family with a son and another daughter, all much loved, and all who knew of the older brother they had never had the chance to meet.

# All or Nothing

She'd imagined the moment over and over in their three years together, but when it actually happened, Claire was not happy. When her boyfriend knelt before her and proposed marriage, she slowly shook her head.

Dane stood, looking a little stunned. "Why baby? I thought you wanted to get married."

He'd asked her to marry him before, though not formally, and she'd always responded with an enthusiastic yes, but this was different. She looked at the man she had loved since the day she had met him, and felt like she didn't know him at all.

"When you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with Dane, you don't need a back-up plan. I'm not going to be your until someone better comes along girl, and I'm not second best or a second choice girl. I deserve better."

"Baby, what are you talking about?"

She sighed and turned away from him, wondering why he had chosen to propose to her now. "I'm not the jealous type and I've never believed cheating made any sense. If you've got problems at home either work on them or face that you're not with the right person. But end one before you start another you know? If you're looking for someone while you're with someone to me you're dooming the relationship you're in in more ways than one. You're either going to eventually find someone that you'll make the move to cheat with, or the person that you're with will find out what you're doing and decide not to put up with it. Regardless, by looking for someone else you are putting it out there that you believe your relationship will end. Why did you propose now Dane?"

"Because I want to marry you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

She shook her head. "Why begin our marriage with a lie? My first marriage began with a lie and I never got over that. A marriage license is only a piece of paper unless you mean your vows. And marriage takes a lot of work. You can't begin with a back-up plan, because it makes the marriage pointless. You went into it believing it would end, so you made your own marriage 'til divorce do us part instead of 'til death from the very beginning, making it all a pointless waste of time."

"Have we been a waste of time to you Claire?"

"I never thought so before, but I'm not going to marry someone who has a back-up plan."

"How is it that I have a back-up plan?"

"Please don't lie to me. I'm not stupid. And now when I look back at the way you've been acting for months it makes sense. You put your phone down with the screen face down always, even when it's charging, you guard it so closely you have to be hiding something. Why did you propose to me when two nights ago you asked another woman to meet you, someone you've been having intimate conversations with for months?"

The color left his face. He wouldn't look at her.

"I got an interesting message from a woman on a social network the other night. She's been doing an experiment with her husband. They have several fake profiles and both send out friend requests to members of the opposite sex, both those in relationships and out. They're researching the effects of social networking on long term relationships and start casual conversations with people in relationships, to see if they turn intimate and eventually lead to what would seem like downright inappropriate conversations for someone who professes to be in a committed relationship to be having with someone outside the relationship. She told me you had made the first move to change the friendship and had these conversations with her for months, leading to your eventual request to meet her."

Dane was silent.

"She also let me know that she has reason to believe she wasn't the only woman you had been messaging in that tone."

Dane lit a cigarette, finally turning back to face her. "I never met one of those women. Most of them live in other states. You're the woman I want to be with, the woman that I come home to."

Claire offered him an expression of disgust. "My ex told me that when he was cheating. And even if you haven't yet met these women, as long as you continue to message them, the chance, the choice is always there. Would you appreciate it if I was talking dirty to multiple men online?"

Dane sighed. "No."

"I want all or nothing Dane. Give me your all honestly and sincerely or you might as well give me nothing. I won't marry someone who can't do that."

She turned and walked away from him. It hurt. The betrayal of her trust hurt even more since he knew that she had ended her marriage due to infidelity. But no matter how much she loved Dane, she couldn't build the rest of her life on the un-shaky foundation of a lie.

He let her leave without saying a word. She went to stay with a friend until she could afford a place of her own.

She missed him. Oh how she missed him on her loneliest nights, because he had become not only her lover, but her best friend. And it was the small things that she missed the most- cuddling with him to watch a movie, lying in bed together on their occasional lazy morning. She missed the sound of his heartbeat when she laid her head on his chest, the feel of his stubble against her cheek, the way he had made her laugh when all she'd wanted to do was cry.

But she couldn't spend her life filled with doubt and a lack of trust, and as much as she missed him, she knew that walking away had been the right thing to do.

A year to the day after Dane's failed proposal, Claire opened her door to a huge bouquet of flowers. The familiar smell of his cologne still brought back memories of being in his arms.

Dane handed her the flowers and offered her a shy smile. "I can't get you out of my head. I don't want you out of my heart because I know you were always meant to be there. I didn't understand how what I was doing was wrong at the time because I never did anything physically, but being without you and thinking of how I would have felt if I had been on the other end made me realize just how wrong I really was. You always gave me your all and I wasn't giving you the same without even realizing it. I'd like another chance to prove to you that I deserve to have you for the rest of my life. I'm not expecting things to go back to the way they used to be, and I know that I have to earn your trust, but I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I do deserve it."

His eyes were sincere, and they glistened with unshed tears. The possibilities they held seemed endless. She had never stopped loving him, hadn't been able to get him out of her head either. So she took his hand, and gave him a second chance.

Their relationship progressed more slowly the second time around, since it had been a whirlwind romance the first time. They lived apart for a year, then moved into a two-bedroom house. Dane proposed for the second time on their second two-year anniversary and Claire accepted with no reservations. They were married six months later and both meant every word of their vows.

# Better than Her

Jade couldn't keep her mouth shut anymore. When she saw Camden that morning after having seen his supposed girlfriend come to his door drunk for a booty call at three o'clock in the morning and then leave an hour later after she had gotten what she wanted from him for the third time that week and what felt like the thousandth times since they had been neighbors, she knew that she had to talk to him.

He gave her a tired smile. "Morning Jade."

"Why do you continue to let her do that to you?"

Camden blinked at her, and then studied her for a moment before he spoke. "Good morning to you too Jade."

Jade sighed. "Good morning Camden. Now answer my question."

She knew that she was being bitchy, but she and Camden had been friends for too long for her to sit back and watch him be abused by his beautiful, on again off again girlfriend Meagan. She worked the graveyard shift as an operator for an alarm company, so she was used to not sleeping at night even on her nights off of work, so she had witnessed many of Meagan's selfish seductions. Meagan only bothered to show up at Camden's door when she wanted something from him, and had been known to sleep around.

Jade had no idea what in the hell her neighbor saw in the girl. No matter how beautiful she was, what she had been putting Camden through did not seem to be worth it.

Camden sighed. "I don't want to discuss this with you Jade."

"So you're going to continue to ignore the fact that she sleeps around, and only comes to you when she wants something? What kind of a girlfriend is that? You're better than that Camden. You're better than her. It doesn't matter how pretty she is, she's not worth it."

Jade would have talked to Camden about what she thought of as his girlfriend problem much sooner, but she had feelings for her ruggedly handsome neighbor herself, and she had a sneaking suspicion that he was aware of that fact and she cared about him too much to screw up their friendship. But she had grown tired enough of seeing him being hurt over and over that she had come to the decision early that morning that she had to talk to him.

"It's hard to understand a relationship when you're on the outside looking in."

"Normally Cam, I would agree with you fully. But you and Meagan aren't the average relationship. She hurts you even more when she comes by than she does when she doesn't."

Camden gave her a tired smile. "You just want me for yourself."

They flirted quite often and normally Jade enjoyed it, but this morning she wasn't in the mood.

"You know I think you're hot. You're also smart, kind and funny. You're too good for her. And she's just going to keep playing with you as long as you let her."

"I don't want to talk about this Jade. I'm tired and it's none of your business anyway."

"I care about you Cam. Why don't you let me make you dinner tonight?"

He raised an eyebrow. "That sounds like a date."

She rolled her eyes. "It could be if you wanted it to be. But you're too damned stubborn to let her go."

He sighed. "I don't know Jade."

"What does she have that I don't?"

He studied her, as if thinking about it. He looked her up and down and a blush rose to her cheeks. "She has bigger boobs, but they're not real so I'm not sure if that counts." He tossed her a cocky grin.

"Ha ha. How long have we been neighbors Cam?"

"A year and a half."

"And how long have you been messing with Meagan?"

"On and off since high school."

"You're kidding."

"No. There have been other girls of course."

She shook her head. "But you never met one good enough to stop you from going back to her?"

"How many boyfriends have you had since you moved in here?"

"Three and it's not my love life we're discussing. Cam, there are women that won't treat you like shit."

He snorted. "Are there these days?"

"I'm standing right here."

He winked at her. "I know you are baby." But he grew serious then. "I don't know how to let her go. It's like she's got some kind of a hold on me."

"Break it. Change your phone number, don't answer your door when she comes pounding on it in the middle of the night."

He sighed. "I have tried."

"So try harder."

"You act like it's easy Jade. Haven't you ever been with someone you kept going back to even though you knew they were no good for you?"

"Yes. But I left him when I left high school."

"Come on Jade. That last guy you were with looked pretty shady."

"He was the nicest guy I've been with in a while actually."

"So why'd you dump him?"

"I didn't. He went back to some old girlfriend. How did you turn this around again?"

He chuckled. "Do you work tonight?"

"No. I'm off the next three days."

"Right. I keep forgetting you switched to the four days, ten hours shift. Let me buy you dinner."

She raised an eyebrow. "That almost sounds like a date Cam."

"It is a date. One date. Because I've always thought you were hot too."

She smiled. "You'll forget her name by the end of the night. I know how to treat a man."

"I don't want you knocking on my door for a midnight booty call."

"Funny Cam. Promise me that you'll really give this date a chance."

He took her hand. "I will give this date a chance. But it might not work out anyway Jade. Just because we're friends with a mutual attraction and we get flirty sometimes doesn't mean we'll like each other in that way."

She wanted to kiss him. She wanted to seduce him at the end of the night so he would have an easier time forgetting Meagan. But she wouldn't. She wanted it to be real and she was going to do her best to make it an unforgettable night.

"But we might. We won't know until we try."

"Jade, you're a very attractive woman. If we're talking about physical attraction oh yes baby, I want you. I've wanted you since the day you moved in. You have a beautiful body, and it's real. The way you move with those spectacular curves threatens to drive me crazy sometimes. I knew a long time ago that you wanted me in that way too. Believe me Jade, I have thought about what it would be like to have you in my bed. But we're friends and we know that that works. Besides my relationship with Meagan, I was always too afraid we'd mess up the good thing we had over a night of incredible sex."

"At least you admit it would be good," she teased.

He put his arm around her waist and pulled her to him, running his hand over her butt.

"Hey."

He released her, giving her a lazy grin. "Sorry Jade. I've always wanted to do that. I just figured you'd smack me a good one if I did."

"You're lucky I didn't."

"I'll pick you up at seven?"

"How about we take my car?"

"Spoilsport. You'd look sexy as hell on the back of my bike."

"Maybe another time."

But she doubted it. He had been trying to convince her to let him take her for a ride on his motorcycle for the last year and it hadn't worked so far.

"If we take the bike you can hold me tight."

"No. I prefer my transportation to have four wheels. And I've never seen you get Meagan on that thing."

"She doesn't want to sit on the back, she wants to drive it. We'll take your car. I'll see you at seven."

"Okay. You gonna bring me flowers and chocolate?"

"Of course."

"Good. I'll see you tonight then."

She turned and walked back into her house. Her heart was beating fast and her palms were sweaty. She was really looking forward to their date and helping him get that bitch off of his mind.

She rested for a few hours. When she got out of bed, she realized she had no idea what she was going to wear on her date. She wasn't that into clothes, and didn't own much besides jeans and t-shirts. She stood in front of her closet for what seemed like forever and still didn't see anything that seemed suitable for a date with Camden.

Finally she decided on a blouse and skirt her sister had given her that she hadn't found an occasion to wear to. It was late afternoon and hours before the date, but she was nervous. Camden may have tried to make light of their flirtatious friendship, but she really cared for him, and in more than a friendly way.

She tried the outfit on and really liked the skirt, but the top was too low cut and she didn't have anything that wouldn't look out of place underneath it. With a sigh, she realized that she also didn't have a decent pair of dressy shoes. So she was going to have to make a trip to the store.

She felt out of place in the clothing store that was a lot more expensive than she was used to, but a friendly sales girl helped her pick out a nice camisole and a pair of flats since Jade wasn't in the mood to fall on her face in heels.

When she tried on the completed outfit she was more than satisfied with the way she looked. She looked damned sexy and was sure Camden would agree.

She ate a salad since she was starving and then tried to watch TV for a while. She was still nervous though and full of anticipation for the night ahead.

Camden knocked promptly at seven. He let out a low whistle when she opened the door. "You clean up even better than I figured you would. Forgive me for drooling."

She rolled her eyes as she slipped on her shoes. "I even look like a girl huh Cam?"

He chuckled. He had once teased her that you could hardly tell she was a girl with her wardrobe and constant ponytail. "You're beautiful and you always look like a woman. I don't think I've ever seen you with your hair down."

She accepted the flowers he'd brought. She could feel his eyes on her as she went to the kitchen to put the flowers in water. She had a feeling this evening might turn out even more memorable than she'd thought.

He took her hand when she returned to the living room. "You really are beautiful."

"Thank you." She offered her car keys. "You wanna drive?"

"Oh no. You're lucky I'm not too embarrassed to be seen in that thing."

"It's not that bad."

"Maybe not for you. I didn't even know they made cars that color."

"Custom paint job. Where are we going to dinner?"

"Rizzolos'."

It was an upscale Italian restaurant and could be quite expensive.

"You sure?"

"This may be our only date. I want it to be good."

She shook her head at him. "You'll change your mind by the end of the night."

He smiled. "We'll see."

He followed her out to her purple hybrid. They had an incredible time. The food was fantastic, conversation was easy and Jade knew she had him by the end of the night.

She drove them home and invited him in for a drink. He accepted. She wanted to change her clothes since the sexy bra and panty set she'd bought was starting to bug her, but Camden had been staring at her like he'd never seen a woman all night and she was enjoying it.

She handed him his drink and took a slow sip of hers. Camden licked his lips and cleared his throat, not bothering to taste his drink before he set it aside on a coaster on her coffee table.

"Jade."

"Yes?"

"I want to kiss you. I've wanted to all night, but I'm afraid this is going to lead somewhere we don't want it to."

"I don't screw on the first date Camden."

"I didn't mean it like that Jade. You just look so beautiful tonight. Not that you're not always beautiful, but you know what I mean." He gave her an almost shy smile. "I keep sticking my foot in my mouth. I had a really good time tonight, you look gorgeous and I would very much like to kiss you."

She nodded. She had been waiting a very long time for him to kiss her. He was slow and gentle at first, but she felt the change when passion started to take over. She pulled back breathless several minutes later and he gave her a satisfied smile.

"Even better than I thought it would be."

"Funny Camden."

He took her hand. "I would like to see you again. Very much."

"Promise me something."

"Yes?"

"Promise me that you'll break it off with her for good."

"I will."

She gave him a look. "Really?"

"Yes. I like you a lot and I think we could really have something. I was just too afraid to take a chance before and screw up our friendship. I'm done with Meagan. For good this time."

"Good."

"Wanna walk me home?"

"Sure."

She walked him next door and he stole another kiss. She felt like she was walking on air when she returned home. She and Camden had finally gone out and it had gone even better than she had imagined. And he was getting rid of Meagan.

She was a happy woman.

Things went so well with Camden she could hardly believe it. He'd always been easy to talk to, but really being with him was even better. They talked about everything and she found herself falling for him hard.

They had been dating three months when he told her he loved her. Her heart soared, and she told him that she loved him too. She'd never meant the words more in her life. When they made love for the first time, it felt like she'd been transported to another planet. It wasn't just that he was an incredible lover. He made love to her and she had never felt such emotion before.

She fell asleep content in his arms that night and found herself looking forward to many more nights with Camden.

But when she got home from work two mornings later, she found Meagan's car in the shared driveway of their duplex. She fought the urge to flatten the other woman's tires and tears stinging her eyes, she unlocked her door and went inside.

She felt betrayed and wondered how Camden could do this to her when he'd told her he loved her. She came to the conclusion she needed to look for another place to live. She didn't want to face him.

She fell into an uneasy sleep and was awoken several hours later by Camden's ringtone on her phone. She turned over with a sigh, tempted to ignore him.

Instead she picked up the phone and gave him a curt "Hello."

"What's wrong baby? Did I wake you up?"

"How could you Camden?"

"How could I what?"

"Don't play stupid. You know what."

He was silent for a moment and her heart sunk even further. She was sure he was trying to come up with some kind of excuse.

"It's not what you're thinking Jade. Yes, she did show up drunk at my door last night. And she tried to seduce me like usual. I told her to go away, told her that I'm in love with you."

"So if you denied her and really did break up with her months ago, then why was her car parked in the driveway when I got home?"

He sighed. "She was wasted babe, and it was dangerous for her to be driving. I would have taken her home, but cabs won't even pick up from out where she lives and there's not a bus that comes anywhere close either. She slept for a few hours on my couch. I didn't touch her. I swear to you Jade, with all my heart and soul that you are the woman I want to be with. I wouldn't hurt you like that."

He sounded sincere, but she had been fooled before. "Do you promise me that it won't happen again?"

"I can't promise that babe, even with as much as I want to. It may have seemed like I was the one with no self-esteem when I was with Meagan, but it's her who has no self-respect. She gets all her self-worth from men telling her how hot she is."

"That's not your problem."

"I know. But she's going to keep coming around, showing up because she thinks she can get me back, no matter who I'm with."

"Because she was always right before. Do you want me to talk to her?"

Camden chuckled. "Probably not a good idea. I do have an idea though. I was going to bring it up to you before, but now seems like the perfect time. Can I come over?"

"Yeah. I'll see you in a few minutes."

"Okay baby. I love you."

"I love you too. Bye Cam."

"Bye baby."

She hung up and looked at herself in the mirror, wondering if she was letting herself be taken for a fool.

He gave her a shy grin when she answered his knock. "I'm sorry Jade. I should have realized how bad it looked with her car being here."

"Ya think?"

He sat down on the couch and pulled something out of his pocket. Her breath caught in her throat.

He popped open the ring box and pulled out the ring that was nestled inside. "It's a promise ring. Kinda high school I guess, but being with you is so incredible Jade. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I hope it fits."

She offered him her hand and he slipped the ring on her finger. It was a bit loose, but it was beautiful. She kissed him.

"Thank you. Is this your big idea?"

He smiled. "It was a big idea. It took damned near forever for me to pick out something I thought you'd actually like. But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Um, okay."

"I found a nice house, a two bedroom. It's closer to your job and no further away from mine. Move in with me Jade. I want to wake up beside you every morning."

She searched his face. She'd never lived with a man before, but being with Camden felt so right. And if it kept Meagan away for good, all the better.

"I'll look at the house."

"Great. I'm changing my phone number again. One of my supposed friends that she's been known to sleep with gave her my new one."

Jade sighed. "You really should let me talk to her."

"I told her in no uncertain terms last night that she's not welcome here anymore. I don't think she'll be back."

"Where is this house?"

"Out in Brownsville."

It was another suburb, but much closer to where she worked. "Do we need two bedrooms?"

He winked. "There's an option to buy, and I hope to eventually be putting another ring on your finger."

"You think so huh?"

He kissed her. "Oh yeah I do."

Jade loved the house and they were moved within a month. And the Meagan problem took care of itself shortly after in an unexpected way. The "friend" of Camden's that had passed on his phone number hit a substantial amount in the lottery, and Meagan took to chasing him. Jade was glad that Meagan was finally out of their lives for good.

She accepted happily when Camden proposed on their one-year anniversary and was thankful every day that he was hers and hers alone.

# From Pain

Justine Carter was the twenty-seven-year old mother of a four-year-old little girl. She'd thought she'd never get over it when her military husband had died in a bombing only three weeks after the birth of their daughter. But she had. She would always miss him, always love him, but she'd held on for Lana. Now her baby was dying, and there was nothing she could do about it.

Her daughter had been diagnosed with cancer. Her diagnosis was terminal and Justine was being forced to watch her daughter waste away. It killed her inside. Every day she felt like her already fractured heart was being ripped out of her chest.

She had nightmares and eventually became somewhat of an insomniac. She knew going mostly without sleep was unhealthy and could be downright dangerous, but she was simply holding on the best she could at this point.

During her sleepless nights she turned to a support group on a social network for people who had lost someone close to them to cancer. She became friends with a very attractive man named Laredo who had lost his wife to breast cancer only a year after they had gotten married. He was easy to talk to and he understood what she was going through.

It had surprised the hell out of her the first time he had messaged her in a flirtatious tone. She had hardly entertained the thought of dating since her husband had died and though she had admired his attractiveness since the first time she had seen his photo, dating was the farthest thing from her mind when her daughter was dying.

But it took her mind off of things for a while, so she flirted back. Their messages never turned to the dirty side, though they were sometimes very intimate. It was thrilling when Laredo told her that he was falling for her, but she knew nothing would come of it. He lived hundreds of miles away from her.

So it surprised the hell out of her when he showed up on her doorstep one evening with a huge bouquet of flowers and a large stuffed version of her daughter's favorite cartoon character in hand. It had been a hard week, she'd had very little sleep in days and she stood looking at him for a long moment.

He cleared his throat, the smile he'd been wearing when she opened the door having dropped from his face. "Hello Justine. I guess I should have called first."

She stepped back to let him inside, closing the door gently behind them since Lana was resting in the downstairs bedroom.

"What are you doing here Laredo?"

"You've been going through such a hard time. I want to be there for you. I know you said that you sometimes feel very alone. I know that when Sara was dying I always felt alone, even when I was around other people. I don't want you to be alone through this."

"I appreciate the thought, but you didn't have to come all this way."

"I care about you Justine."

She sighed. "I know. I just. . ."

"Just what? You can talk to me. I thought you knew that by now."

"I feel so weak sometimes."

"Weak is the last thing you are."

"It doesn't feel that way sometimes."

"I wish there was something I could say to make it better."

"There isn't. There is nothing anyone could ever say to make it better."

"You have the right to be angry."

"No offense Laredo, but I really don't want to hear it right now. She's slipping further away from me every day."

"I know," he said softly.

She could see the pain in his eyes. Part of her wanted to throw herself into his arms and take the comfort he was offering, but she knew she wouldn't. She was more likely to push him away.

She'd been so angry at the world after Lana's initial diagnosis that she'd managed to alienate both her mother and her mother-in-law, a woman she adored and had gotten along better with than her own mother. Mrs. Carter was understanding and quick to forgive, but her mother hadn't talked to her for three weeks after.

"Why are you really here Laredo? You've told me how women chase you, why bother trying for a booty call with an overweight tired widow who is watching her child die?"

She could see in his eyes that she'd stung him with her words and she turned away. She wanted him to go away, hell, half the time she wanted the whole world to go away so she could be alone in her misery.

"I understand that you're on an emotional roller coaster Justine, but we both know that that was out of line on more than one count."

She sighed. "I know. I'm sorry Laredo. I'm just so angry and sad and I don't know what to do with any of it."

"It's okay. I didn't make you uncomfortable with my messages did I? I always thought you were flirting back."

"I was and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that."

"Why not?"

"The timing could not possibly be worse for one thing, and for another, you're gorgeous and I am an overweight widow with a dying child and a broken heart that will probably never be repaired."

"When you watch the person that you love most in the world die, you tend to gain some perspective. Yes, I admit that I used to have a certain idea of what made a woman beautiful. But when I first started talking to you, I realized how wrong I had always been. You are strong and kind and so loving. You are beautiful, every part of you. Women may chase me, but I don't want any of them. I want you. That's all I've ever wanted since the first time I talked to you."

She shook her head slowly. As much as she wanted him, as much as she'd always wanted him, she knew she couldn't have him. It was incredible to have him standing before her, professing to want her, but it hurt at the same time.

"I could never ask you to put yourself through this. Some days I can hardly do it myself. I feel like I'm walking through hell sometimes, but I know that even when I come out on the other side that it's still not going to be okay."

"I will be here for you. I want to be here for you."

"You've already walked through hell. I can't ask you to do that to yourself again."

He squeezed her hand. "I will walk through hell with you. And we will come out the other side. It won't always be easy, it might not ever be easy, but she wouldn't want you to stop living because she had to. Her father wouldn't either."

A sob rose in her throat. "What did I do to deserve this? I don't know how I'm going to make it without her. She is the only thing in the world that kept me hanging on some days after her father died."

"You didn't do anything to deserve this. Sometimes life just really fucking sucks."

She laughed, though there were tears standing in her eyes. "It does doesn't it?"

"Yes it does. But even on your darkest days when you think you can't possibly stand it anymore, you have to tell yourself that if you're still breathing there's a reason."

"I would take her place if I could."

"She knows. Kids know amazing things even when they're little, so much more than we give them credit for. Have you eaten?"

"No."

"When is the last time you had a real meal?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. I'd have to think about it."

She yawned. She wasn't just tired, she was drained physically and emotionally.

"You have to take care of yourself too. I know Lana needs you, but you need you too. Let me make you dinner."

"You can see what you can find in the kitchen."

"Justine, you're barely eating, barely sleeping. You need food and rest."

"I'm not hungry. And I'm so damned tired no matter how much I sleep or don't sleep."

"Where's the grocery store from here?"

"Left at the corner, then straight up two stoplights."

"Okay. I'll be back as soon as I can. Is there anything you want in particular? Chocolate, alcohol?"

"Ha ha. A drink now would knock me completely on my ass. I do think I'm almost out of toilet paper though, if you don't mind."

"Sure. Did I get the right animal? I thought that was the show you said she liked."

"It is, thank you. Thank you for coming Laredo. I'm sorry I've been so bitchy."

He winked at her. "I kinda like it. And by the way, even if you were deliciously curvy in your older photos, so much so that you almost had me drooling on my computer screen, your clothes are hanging off of you now so you are far from an overweight widow."

She had lost weight due to the fact that she had little appetite anymore, but she had to admit that she looked like she was wearing someone else's clothes when she looked down at herself.

"Drooling on your computer screen huh?"

He smiled. "Gorgeous curves."

He leaned over and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. "I'll be back soon. Try to get some rest."

"Yeah right."

But she did close her eyes and was half asleep when he gently opened the door forty-five minutes later, arms full of grocery bags.

"Damn Laredo, did you buy out the whole store?"

He chuckled. "There's more in the car."

She shook her head at him. "You've gone crazy."

"Far from it. You're going clothes shopping tomorrow. But you probably shouldn't drive yourself with your lack of sleep lately. Do they have taxis here?"

She snorted. "Does this town look big enough for taxi service? I told you how far I have to drive to take her to chemo. I thought about moving before, but it seems pointless now."

"Do you have a friend or family member that can drive you?"

"Just my mother-in-law. But I don't need to go shopping and I have a sick child to take care of."

"You need a break. You need to breathe for a moment. I will stay with Lana."

"But she doesn't even know you."

"You'll introduce us when she wakes up. There are other things I'd like to discuss with you, but I have groceries to retrieve, groceries to put away and dinner to cook."

He made two more trips back and forth to the car for groceries. She didn't think there had been that many groceries in her house in months. He was an amazing man, even more amazing than she'd previously realized.

He made them salad, spaghetti and garlic bread for dinner. It was very good, but she only managed to eat little more than half of what he'd put on her plate. He shook his head at her when she set her plate aside, but her stomach had gotten so used to eating little that it didn't take much for her to feel full.

He wouldn't let her help with the dishes and insisted that she take a hot bath. She was afraid Lana would wake up, but she complied with his wishes and had to admit she did feel a little better afterwards.

She was shocked when she came downstairs and heard quiet voices from Lana's bedroom. She crept to the edge of the doorway and saw Laredo sitting in the chair next to the bed. Lana was holding the new stuffed animal, a big smile on her face.

She stepped into the room. "Hi baby."

She brushed a kiss across her daughter's forehead.

"Hi Mama. I love my new stuffy."

That was what Lana called her stuffed animals.

"He is very nice. Did you tell Laredo thank you?"

Lana nodded. "Can I watch cartoons?"

"Yes baby."

She tuned the TV to the channel that showed older cartoons, like the ones she had watched when she was a kid. Lana fell asleep again shortly after and she clicked the TV off. She and Laredo returned to the living room, leaving the door open a crack.

"She took right to you. It's strange. She used to be such a shy little girl, but now she likes almost everyone. Even animals are even more drawn to her than before. I don't take her out much anymore, but a couple months ago, we'd go to the park and if there was a dog anywhere around they would find her."

"Life changes when you're dying. I saw the change in Sara too. When she accepted it. She was ready to let go long before I was ready to let her. I saw it when she found peace with it too. You have an amazing little girl Justine."

"I know. I knew that the moment I held her in my arms and she looked up at me with her father's eyes. I worry that when she's gone, I'll forget her because it will hurt so much to remember."

"It will hurt. Some days it will hurt so badly that you feel like you can hardly breathe. But you can't forget her. I couldn't let myself forget Sara, because when I really thought about it, it was dishonoring her memory to even want to. She was a good woman, and sometimes I didn't deserve her, but she chose to spend her life with me and she left me with some amazing memories."

"How do you remember the good when it all seems like bad in the end?"

"It's not all bad. I know it seems like that sometimes, to see someone you love in such pain, such utter misery. But there are good moments too. When she woke up and was happy with her new toy and her cartoons-that was a good moment. Remember those moments and the time before she was sick. You don't need to punish yourself again by remembering the bad. Do you think your mother-in-law will be able to give you a ride tomorrow?"

"I guess. I'm sure she'd like to spend some time with Lana too."

"You've pushed everyone away haven't you?"

"I tried not to, but it's so much for her. To lose her only child and now her granddaughter."

"But she wants to be there for you. The pain doesn't have to be yours alone. I felt that way sometimes too, I wanted to own the pain. But eventually I figured out I was letting it own me. If pain is all there is, there's not a lot of room for hope. I realize the world doesn't look to contain much hope for you right now, but it's there. You just have to look for it."

"I don't want to bury my child. I looked at coffins and it made me sick to my stomach."

"I will be here for whatever you need me for. I'm not going to let you bear this burden alone."

"But you hardly know me and don't you have a business to run?"

He was the co-owner and normally the acting manager of the sandwich shop he owned with his childhood best friend.

"Jace and his wife are taking care of the shop. It was time for a vacation anyway. I've worked almost nonstop since Sara died."

"You're an amazing man Laredo."

"And you're an amazing woman. Strong, intelligent, kind and very beautiful. I plan on staying with you as long as you need me."

She raised an eyebrow. "You're moving in huh?"

He smiled. "That would be the ideal situation, but I have looked into short term rentals if that would be more comfortable for you. I care for you, but I admit that I want you very much too and I don't want you to feel as if I'm pressuring you."

"Why do you want me? I'm broken."

"I've been broken too, remember?"

"I wouldn't even know what to do with you in my bed. My bed hasn't seen a man since Arnold was deployed."

He shrugged. "My bed hasn't seen a woman since Sara died. Just because women offered themselves to me doesn't mean I took any of them up on it."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. Would you like me to stay somewhere else?"

"No. I'm just not quite sure what I can offer you."

"I'm not asking for anything that you don't want to give. If I overstep my boundaries tell me, if two days from now you decide you don't want me in your house anymore, tell me and I will go."

"Why are you doing this for me?"

"Because I don't want you to be alone. You should get some rest or at least try. I'll sleep on the couch and let you know if she wakes up."

"I don't think you would. She seems to really like you, but I can't let you do that."

"You have to breathe now and then Justine and you are allowed to. She will understand. I see in her eyes that she understands a lot more than your average four-year-old."

"Because she's been forced to." She sighed. "I haven't slept in my bed since she's been sleeping down here. I sleep on the couch."

"When you sleep. Okay. Easy chair for me it is."

"The couch pulls out into a bed. I just don't normally bother with it."

"You're okay with me laying with you? I just want to hold you, to offer what little comfort I can."

She nodded. Her heart had started to beat fast at the idea, but she didn't let it get to her. She hadn't felt like she had had a sex drive in a long time.

He helped her pull the bed out and outfit it with sheets, pillows and a blanket. He excused himself to the bathroom to put his pajamas on. Her breath caught in her throat a little when he came back shirtless in a pair of drawstring flannel pajama bottoms.

Arnold had been a good looking man, but in terms of looks alone, Laredo had him beat by far. Her hormones stirred back to life when she glimpsed his well-toned chest and arms. He was in amazing shape and had the face to complete the package. Unkempt dark hair that curled at the back of his neck, strong cheekbones, gorgeous hazel eyes that were framed in eyelashes that would make most women jealous. And he wanted her. If the circumstances had been different, she might have felt like she was waking up in a dream.

He looked down at himself. "I guess I should have thought about a shirt. This is the way I sleep at home."

"It's okay." She felt a blush rise to her cheeks. "You must work out."

"Not as much as I used to. After Sara died, I was sleepwalking through life. I drank a lot for a few months and started smoking again. Then one day I realized I was steps away from becoming an alcoholic. So I quit drinking, quit smoking again and spent all my time away from work at the gym. But I cut back when I found you. Talking to you has been the best part of my day for months. You've made me feel like life was worth living again."

"How? I want to give up so badly some days."

"But you don't. You lost your husband and you held on for your daughter. You put one foot in front of the other and you went on. Your life won't be the same without her. But you are strong enough to go on. You're the strongest person I've ever met."

"I don't feel strong."

"But you are. Let's try to get some sleep okay? I'd very much like to hold you."

She nodded because she couldn't find the words she wanted to say to him. He had touched her, deep down where she'd begun to be afraid she would never really feel again. But it scared her too.

He turned the lamp off and pulled her gently to him. It had been so long since she had been in a man's arms that she had to fight the tears that suddenly stung her eyes.

"Justine?"

"Yes?"

"It's okay to cry. It doesn't mean you're weak and no one with feelings would think any less of you for it."

"I'm afraid sometimes that I won't be able to stop."

"You can't bottle everything up. It only makes it worse. I know from firsthand experience."

She tried to stop the tears, but it had been so long since she'd really let herself cry and she couldn't hold them back any longer.

He held her, saying nothing, only gently rubbing her back. She pulled back several minutes later and sat up to reach for a handful of tissues from the box on the coffee table.

"I'm sorry."

"Please don't be sorry. I don't understand exactly what you're going through. I honestly can't imagine just how terrible it must be. But I'm willing to be by your side."

"Thank you."

She settled back into bed and was soon asleep. It was the most restful night's sleep she had had in a long time. She was a little embarrassed when she woke up the next morning to find him in her kitchen.

He smiled. "Good morning beautiful. Lana woke up a while ago, but she went back to sleep."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"I took care of her just fine. She was thirsty."

"Her throat is always dry. Thank you."

"No problem. Would you like coffee?"

"No. Every time I drink it lately it upsets my stomach."

"Because you don't eat enough. I'll make breakfast. Eggs and bacon or pancakes?"

"I'm not really hungry."

"Your body still needs food even when you don't feel hungry. Call your mother-in-law."

"Are you sure Laredo? She's in a lot of pain and isn't always as happy go lucky as she was last night."

"We will survive, I promise."

"Okay."

It was a little uncomfortable to explain to Genevieve Carter why she needed a ride and who would be taking care of Lana, but her mother-in-law agreed and was there within thirty minutes to pick her up. She told Justine that it was about time she got out of the house for more than a doctor's appointment and agreed that a new wardrobe was definitely in order.

She wasn't in the mood to shop, and felt like a terrible mother, but Mrs. Carter was nothing if not an efficient woman and she helped Justine pick out several outfits and undergarments, insisting on paying for it all.

Justine called home to check on Lana and Laredo and was assured they were doing just fine by both Laredo and her daughter, so she let Genevieve talk her into having lunch.

They stopped at a sandwich shop that reminded her that she had taken Laredo away from his business and she felt guilty again.

They had retired to a table with their food when Genevieve cleared her throat and said "Justy."

It had been Arnold's nickname for her, one that his mother had later adopted.

"Yes?"

"This is a terrible thing that we're going through, but you don't have to do it all alone. You don't need to own all the pain honey, you're not the only one losing her."

"I know and I'm sorry. It's just so much. You already lost Arnold, now this."

"She is a beautiful precious gift and I don't understand why God needs to take her home either. But we couldn't stop living when Arnold died sweetie, and we can't stop now. Enjoy your baby girl while she's still here. You can't let it hurt so much that you forget all the good that she brought to your life. I love you like a daughter Justy. My son could not have picked a better woman to spend his life with. But he's gone and as much as it hurts, soon she will be too. But you're still here. And you need to stop letting it kill you too baby. We both know that neither Arnold nor Lana would want that for you."

"It's so hard."

"I know. And I can't tell you that there will ever come a day that it won't hurt. I miss him. I miss him every day and I'm going to miss that beautiful little girl every day too. But we have to go on. We might not always understand the reason why, but there is always a reason."

Genevieve was a religious woman and had turned to the church even more after Arnold's death. But Justine had never been much of a believer herself. With as comforting as the thought was that Lana would meet her father in heaven, Justine had a hard time convincing herself that it was true.

"Yeah. I suppose."

"Who is this man that drove all this way for you?"

A blush rose to her cheeks and she turned away. "I met him online. A support group for people who have lost loved ones to cancer."

"I see. He obviously cares for you. Do you feel the same way? You can be honest Justine. Arnold has been gone for a while now and it's more than time for you to let another man into your heart. My son loved you very much, and he wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life alone."

"How can I even think of something like that when Lana is dying?"

"Love doesn't always come at convenient times honey."

"I don't even know how I feel about Laredo. My every thought has been occupied by Lana."

"She's a very lucky little girl, my granddaughter. You know how you feel Justy. You wouldn't have trusted him with her otherwise. Now let's go see our favorite four-year-old."

They drove back to the house. Lana was awake and in a cheerful mood. Genevieve asked for a few minutes alone with her granddaughter, which left Justine sitting uncomfortably on the couch with Laredo.

She could tell that he wanted to say something to her, but they sat silently until Genevieve came out of the bedroom.

"She went back to sleep. Don't hesitate to call if you need a ride again or just need a break. I'll sit with her anytime. Might even drag stubborn old Grandpa over here with me. It was nice to meet you Laredo."

She leaned down to brush a kiss against Justine's cheek and murmured into her ear "He's quite a catch."

She gave Genevieve a weak smile. "Thank you."

Genevieve winked at Laredo and then quietly exited the house.

"She loves you. You're lucky. My mother-in-law hated me."

Justine let out a tired laugh. "I get along better with her than my own mother most of the time."

"Did I ever tell you about my son?"

She shook her head slowly.

"He was stillborn, born just a few months before Sara's diagnosis. I held him in my arms. I lost him before he took one breath in this world. We were going to try again, but she got sick."

"I'm sorry Laredo."

"It's okay. He was sick and they said he might not have lived long anyway. They told us there was a chance he would have problems during the ultrasound, but there was also a chance he would live and be okay, so we took it."

"Why is there such pain in the world?"

"I don't know. So much of it seems unnecessary doesn't it?"

"Yes. Laredo, do you believe in God, in heaven?"

"I didn't always, but I do now."

"You believe Sara is in heaven with your son?"

"Yes. I do."

"I have a hard time believing sometimes, especially now."

"I understand. The thought that Sara is with our son comforts me."

"Did you name him?"

"His name was Quint Andrew Thomas. He looked so perfect. Like he was sleeping."

"I hope she goes peacefully."

"Me too."

"Did Sara?"

"She passed in her sleep yes."

He took her hand. She let him pull her gently against him and let herself feel the simple comfort of being in his arms.

He stayed with her through it all. She wasn't sure when she fell in love with him, but she did. It amazed her that there was still love in the midst of so much pain, but it was there all the same.

Lana passed mercifully in her sleep on January 15th, two months short of her fifth birthday. It was a hard day for Justine and she had a hard time stopping her tears. But the thought that her daughter was finally without pain comforted her. No one could quite convince her to believe that her daughter was in heaven with Arnold, but she knew that Genevieve truly believed it was so.

The funeral was even harder. Genevieve had had a picture made where it appeared that Arnold was looking down on Lana, and had had it blown up to display at the funeral. She couldn't stop crying at the funeral and wasn't up to socializing with family afterwards, so Laredo drove them home.

Her house felt very empty. It was as if all the life had gone out of it with Lana's passing. With as much as she'd always loved her house, she wasn't sure she wanted to live there anymore.

She expected Laredo to leave shortly after the funeral and told him so one day.

He gave her a puzzled look. "Why would I want to leave?"

"Your business."

"My business is fine. It's actually been doing so well without me that I almost feel insulted. Do you want me to leave?"

She picked at a stray thread on the couch. "No, but it just seems like you should get back to your life."

"I want you to be part of my life. Have you not figured out by now Justine, that I love you?"

She searched his eyes. She saw nothing but sincerity, but she was scared. It seemed almost wrong to be falling in love now of all times.

"I don't know if I can do this Laredo. I'm scared."

"It's okay to be scared. Do you love me?"

"Yes."

"Good. That's all I needed to know. We'll help each other figure out how to live again. Sound like a deal?"

"I guess so. I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. I'm not sure I want to live in this house anymore."

"I have a house. Or we can go somewhere else, anywhere you want. We can do anything."

"But your shop."

"It does run perfectly well without me, whether I like it or not. I think I might be ready for a change too."

"I guess we'll figure it out."

A little hope slipped into her heart and she let it. She decided to put the house on the market. She went home with Laredo for sort of a trial period. He promised her before they left that if she didn't like it they could leave.

But she liked it very much. And she liked Jace and his wife, so she decided to stay.

Life went on. It wasn't always easy, and she would never not miss Lana and Arnold, but Laredo accepted it, just as she accepted that he would always miss Sara and Quint.

Slowly but surely, their hearts healed together. Two years after he had showed up on her doorstep, they were married in a small ceremony. Justine became Justine Carter Thomas and Laredo never minded that she chose to continue to carry Arnold's last name.

A little over a year later Jackson Quint Thomas was born to two very happy parents, who told him of the brother and sister he had never gotten the chance to meet. And from where there had once been only pain, there was joy again.

# Stand By Me

Holly Thompson opened her door and met a blast straight from her past. She almost closed the door in the face of her old lover, but instead she said nothing and stood there looking at him for a moment.

He gave her a gentle smile. "Holly. You look good."

She snorted. "Do I now?"

He sighed. "I didn't come here to stir up shit. I came here because I heard what happened and I'm worried about you."

She was instantly angry, and tempted once again to close the door in his face. When they'd been dating, she had been overweight, and he had let his friends talk shit about her one night at a party without once standing up for her. She had walked out and broken up with him the next day. She hadn't seen him since.

It had been two years, and her life had changed drastically since then. Tired of being treated like a joke because she was fat, she had worked her ass off to lose weight and changed her diet. She hadn't been short of male attention after that, but being overweight for many years had taught her a few things. She had never dated a man who she didn't believe wouldn't have dated her before simply because she was overweight. Her "theory" had seemed to work well, and she had fallen in love with a man she'd thought was the one for her.

They had been engaged to be married, but just when everything had seemed to be falling into place, life had happened. She had gotten pregnant. The news was received well all around, but four weeks later she'd had a miscarriage. And that had just been the first in a series of unfortunate events.

Two weeks after her miscarriage, Kane had left her. He'd said nothing to her, never given her a reason to believe that besides the fact that they'd lost their child, that anything was majorly wrong with their relationship. He'd even taken her engagement ring right off of her nightstand while she slept.

She'd called him over and over again the first few days after he'd left, sinking into a deep depression when she couldn't even get an answer as to why he'd left her and chosen to end their relationship without a word. She'd given up then and told herself it was time to move on with her life. And it had worked until two weeks after Kane had left.

She wasn't much of a drinker, and should probably have known better than to consume as much alcohol as she had. But she hadn't listened to her logical side, and had gotten very intoxicated and made a phone call.

But it hadn't been Kane who had answered his cell phone. It had been another woman. A woman that had informed her she was Kane's new fiancé. It had been a hell of a shock and Holly had exploded on the woman, exchanging harsh words until Kane had finally stepped in and taken control of his phone.

Then things had only gotten worse. Kane had been brutally honest with her, telling her that he'd asked her out to make his ex jealous, and had never planned on marrying her. He reminded her that he had moved into her house and that she'd never expected him to help with the bills since he made a fraction of the money that she did. He told her that being with her had disgusted him after he'd seen her old "fat" pictures, and had driven the final nail in the coffin when he'd told her he had used the credit card she had for emergencies to purchase the engagement ring that had never been meant to be on her finger.

She had called him names she couldn't remember, telling him that karma was going to be a bitch when she came for him. He'd laughed and hung up on her.

She'd cried until she was exhausted, then punched a hole in her bedroom wall. Then she'd drank the rest of the bottle of alcohol and tossed back half a bottle of the prescription sleep aid Kane had left behind. She hadn't made a conscious decision to take her life, but her suicide attempt probably would have been successful had her best friend not happened to get worried about her when she wouldn't answer her phone and used her key to get into the house shortly after Holly had taken the pills.

It was all a rather humiliating experience, and the last thing she wanted now, only days after she'd gotten out of the hospital, was to be standing face to face with her ex, supposedly offering his sympathy.

"Are you kidding me Jacoby? Do you not remember the night you let your friends make a big joke of me? Why in the hell should I believe that you care about me; that you ever cared about me?"

"I got into a fight after you left with two of my supposed friends that were talking shit that night. Right after you left actually."

"Why should I believe you? With the way they were going on, I knew that wasn't the first time they'd talked shit about me."

"I always defended you."

"Sure you did. Jacoby why are you really here? If you really stood up for me, why didn't you tell me then?"

"I tried. I left messages for you."

There was honesty in his green eyes. But he had always been her weakness, so damned handsome, not to mention smart and she'd always believed kind until that night. The first time he'd asked her out she'd thought that it had been some sort of cruel joke, she was so used to being teased.

But he had meant it, and had honestly looked surprised that she'd thought he wouldn't want her simply because she'd carried extra weight. Jacoby wasn't the kind of man that couldn't see beauty just because it wasn't conventional.

"I never bothered to listen to any of them before I deleted them."

"You always were stubborn."

He gave her his trademark grin, and her heart threatened to melt.

"Funny. Do you want to come in? I have coffee brewing."

He nodded and she stepped back so that he could enter the house. Her palms felt sweaty, and she wiped them on her jeans, hoping he didn't notice.

She made them both a mug of coffee without thinking to ask if he still took his the same way. She pushed it across the kitchen table to him, moving back to lean against the counter.

He gave her an amused smile. "Good thing I still drink it black huh?" He winked.

A blush rose to her cheeks and she turned away from him. She had loved Jacoby madly. He had seemed almost too good to be true sometimes, but she'd known he loved her, until the night of the party at least.

"I'm sorry. I should have asked."

"It's okay. Holly?"

"Yes?"

"I bought you an engagement ring about a week before that stupid party. I was planning to propose to you that weekend. It drove me nuts afterwards for months, thinking that if only I hadn't insisted we go to that party that we would have still been together."

Her breath caught in her throat and she turned back to him. She searched the face that she had so loved, the one that she had memorized every detail of, and found nothing but sincerity. She suddenly had no idea what to say to him.

His voice was soft when he spoke. The voice he'd used to soothe her when she was upset, the one she'd always thought would be perfect to soothe a child.

"Besides those idiots I called friends back then, you were the only one who ever thought you weren't good enough for me. I was in love with you the moment I laid eyes on you. Your smile lights up a whole room, and when you laugh, it's musical. I've missed you every moment since you've been gone. When I heard you were marrying that idiot Kane, I tried to be happy for you, but I couldn't. When I heard that you'd tried to kill yourself over that prick, I wanted to kill him. The thought that I could have lost you forever was too much for me to take. I was going to visit you in the hospital, but I wasn't sure you'd want to see me. I just wanted you to know that I still love you. I'll always love you Holly."

"I didn't exactly try to kill myself. Well, it wasn't a conscious thought anyway. I was wasted and not really thinking straight. I'm grateful that Fannie found me."

"Me too."

There was silence for several minutes. She wasn't sure how to take his confessions. A part of her wanted to jump right into his arms. A part of her wanted to kick her own ass for being so damned stubborn and not bothering to listen to him back then. She should have known better than to think that he wouldn't defend her. Hell, she had known better. He had once almost gotten into a fistfight with a man who had called her "large and in charge" when they'd been out together one night.

"I'm sorry Jacoby."

"I'm sorry too. I know I should have stepped up sooner that night, but I was coming back from getting us a drink and a little buzzed on top of it, so I didn't catch up right away. I don't hang out with any of those guys anymore. Well, I just wanted to let you know that I care. My number is still the same if you want to talk. I kept it in the hopes that one day you might want to give me another chance."

He took the last drink of coffee and then stood. He crossed the kitchen and gave her a gentle hug. It felt so good to be in his arms, so right. Tears stung her eyes.

"Jacoby?"

"Yes?"

She put all her thoughts and worries aside and decided to go for it.

"Do you think that you could find it in your heart to give me another chance?"

He grinned. "Those are the sweetest words I think I've ever heard."

And Holly found that sometimes a second chance love can be even better than the first, because Jacoby loved her like no man ever had, and proved that he would always stand by his woman. They were married three years later and another year after that became a happy family of three.

# Don't You Want Me

He was everything she'd ever wanted in a man-smart, kind and funny. He was also an amazing father and he loved animals, which had always been a plus in Stacy's book. The fact that he was gorgeous didn't hurt either-tall with wavy dirty blonde hair and warm brown eyes. He was originally from the south and had a sexy southern accent. She could listen to him all day long and never grow tired of the sound of his voice.

Unfortunately Kurt didn't seem to be aware of her affections or maybe he just didn't feel the same way, she'd never been sure. They'd been neighbors for almost four years now and he'd always been friendly, introducing himself and his little girl as soon as they'd moved in.

His eight-year-old daughter, who was actually his stepdaughter (her mother had walked away when Portia was three, leaving a note that said she had fallen madly in love with a married couple she'd met through her job as a massage therapist and a notarized form that gave Kurt custody of her daughter) had immediately bonded with Stacy's golden retriever and had eventually convinced her father to buy a dog. So far the closest they'd gotten to a date was a shared trip to the dog park down the street or an invitation to one of Portia's activities.

Stacy adored the bright, beautiful girl and didn't understand how her mother could have chosen to leave her behind. She would have been extremely proud to be the mother of a child half as amazing as Portia.

But her heart ached for a relationship with Kurt. She just wasn't sure he thought of her in that way. He seemed too involved with his job and his family to worry about dating anyway. Never once had she seen him with a woman on anything that resembled a date.

Stacy had been almost painfully thin most of her life, unable to gain much weight no matter what she ate and she worried that he didn't find her attractive. She knew that some women who were convinced that men only wanted a woman who could fit into a size '0' would probably have gladly traded bodies with her, but she'd always been self-conscious about her lack of curves, and would gladly have traded bodies with a woman who possessed at least some curves.

Valentine's Day was nearing and Stacy was forced to face spending another year alone. She knew that Kurt was as well since Portia had excitedly told her about a planned sleepover for that night. She'd been tempted to ask Kurt out to dinner, but like always she'd been afraid of his rejection. She knew that he wouldn't be unkind, she just didn't want to have to give up the hope of a relationship with him completely.

The day before Valentine's Day a knock came at her door early in the evening. Bruce, her dog, wagged his tail, seeming to give her an expectant look that said 'well, are you going to get that?' She patted him on the head and crossed to the door.

Kurt offered her a smile, holding Portia's hand. "Sorry to bother you Stacy, but my daughter has managed to lose her Valentine's cards and they didn't have any she wanted at the store. We thought maybe you could help her make some if you have time. Dad has no artistic talent in that way unfortunately."

Stacy laughed. "That sounds fun. Have you had dinner? I have spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread on the way."

"Please Dad. I don't want meatloaf."

Kurt smiled. "You never want meatloaf. Are you sure there's enough Stace?"

"I'm not much of a cook and happen to love leftovers, so I always get the biggest portion. There's going to be plenty. Come in you two, it's chilly out there."

It was a nice evening and Stacy could easily imagine many more. Her heart had threatened to beat out of her chest when Kurt had taken her aside before leaving and asked her if he could cook dinner for her the next night as a thank you.

She tried not to read too much into it, but it was her he was choosing to spend Valentine's Day with, and she couldn't help but be a little excited.

The next day seemed to drag. She worked from home as a freelance web designer and found herself distracted and unable to concentrate on the website design she was putting together for a well-known children's book author. She gave up early in the afternoon, though she knew she'd have to work extra hard the next day to make up for her lack of progress that day.

She had no idea what to wear to dinner. She chose her clothes mostly for comfort and didn't have much occasion to dress up. She didn't want to overdo it anyway though, especially since she was unsure Kurt felt for her what she did for him.

After agonizing for what seemed like forever, she finally decided on a pair of dark slacks and a dark blue sheer blouse that made the exotic blue of her eyes stand out. She'd always considered her eyes and her thick, wavy dark hair as her best features.

Her heart was beating fast when she knocked on Kurt's door and she almost turned around and went home. But then he opened the door and her heart only started to beat faster.

He worked from home as well so his wardrobe was normally as casual as hers. He'd tried to explain to her several times the work he did, but she still wasn't sure whether he did some sort of freelance writing or ghost writing or some combination of both.

Tonight he was dressed in a pair of black slacks and a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. He'd shaved and she could smell the fresh scent of his cologne. They both seemed to be dressed for a date.

As she followed him into the house, she suddenly wondered if it was meant to be a date. Hope sparked in Stacy like it had never sparked before. Could it be possible that he feels the same she thought?

He handed her a bouquet of flowers. "Happy Valentine's day Stacy."

"Happy Valentine's day Kurt. Thank you."

Their dinner conversation was light and left Stacy with more questions than answers. He'd bought her flowers and chocolate, they were both dressed up, or dressed up compared to their typical wardrobes anyway, and he'd brought out a bottle of wine. But he'd made no move to even touch her, let alone kiss her.

She wanted to touch him so badly, wanted to feel his bare skin beneath her hands, wanted to feel his lips pressed against hers. But she wasn't going to make the first move. She knew what she wanted, but she still didn't know what he wanted.

The bottle of wine dwindled. Stacy was feeling the alcohol. She didn't normally drink much, being the child of two alcoholics and the witness to about a thousand too many of their drunken antics had turned her off the idea. But it was so nice to finally be alone with Kurt.

When he kissed her, she was too stunned to respond right away, and he started to pull back. She pulled him gently back to her and kissed him slow and long, the way she'd always imagined it.

His passion surprised her, and even more so when after a few minutes of kissing that left her breathless he took her hand and led her to his bedroom.

Stacy had never slept with a man on the first date before, and had she been thinking more clearly, she might have thought about the possible consequences of sleeping with Kurt. But her body had come alive at his touch and she'd wanted him for so long that she let him undress her.

He treasured her body with gentle hands and soft lips. She got her fill of his body as well, touching him and kissing him until she couldn't stand anymore not to have him completely.

The sex was incredible and she was content to fall asleep nude in his arms.

The next morning didn't bring an early morning make out session or a hushed conversation between new lovers though. Stacy woke up in Kurt's bed alone, the start of a headache coming on strong.

She dressed slowly, ears open for any sign of Kurt. She was anxious to see him, to talk to him about what this new step in their relationship meant. But the house was silent.

She used the bathroom, and then wandered downstairs, expecting to find Kurt there. But there was no sign of him, and when she peeked out the window his car wasn't in the driveway. Millie, Portia's dog, wasn't in the house or the yard either and there was no sign of a note.

With a sinking heart, Stacy went home. She tried not to watch for him to come home, feeling a little like a stalker, but couldn't seem to stop herself from crossing to the window several times. His car still hadn't returned by early evening.

She wanted to cry. He regretted their night together. The thought circled her head all day long and she wished she could take back what they'd done. But she couldn't and she realized that she needed to admit to herself for once and for all that Kurt would never be hers.

It took her three days to figure out that he was purposefully avoiding her. She'd thought it was strange that he hadn't seemed to return home, or at least hadn't parked his car in the usual spot in the driveway. Millie hadn't been in the front yard and she hadn't seen a sign of Kurt or Portia. But she'd spied his car parked around back when she was taking her trash out. Her heart hurt and she turned away, wishing she'd never accepted his dinner invitation. Being Kurt's friend had felt a lot better than being someone he had taken to avoiding.

She wondered what explanation he had given Portia, but tried to put it out of her head. She missed the little girl very much as the days passed, and it made her heart ache even more.

Two weeks after Valentine's Day though, Stacy got angry with him. He'd been the one to make the first move, the one that had been so eager to move their make out session to his bedroom. But now it seemed as if she was the bad guy. She tried to tell herself that she needed to forget him, especially if he was going to continue to act the way he had been lately.

Her head told her that he had never been hers in the first place, but her heart continued to hang on. His actions as of late were nothing like the Kurt she had gotten to know, nothing like the man that had never had a second thought about raising Portia by himself, though she wasn't his by blood.

At times she was tempted to call him, or knock on his door when she knew Portia was at school and confront him, but she didn't. Until the day she knew she had no choice but to talk to him.

She stood in her bathroom with a positive pregnancy test in her hand. Her periods had always been as regular as clockwork, but not this month. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

She'd wanted a baby for years, but hadn't met the right man. She'd often thought Kurt was the right man, and it almost seemed like an omen that she was pregnant with his child. But it also seemed like it could turn into an even bigger mess than it already was with him avoiding her like the plague.

She wondered briefly what he regretted so much about their night together, but put it out of her head, since there was now more urgent business at hand. She thought about calling him, but wasn't sure if he'd answer. She wasn't sure he'd answer a knock at the door either, but she knew she had to tell him, and that she might as well get it over with.

She glanced at the clock. It was only a few minutes after two p.m. so there was still time before Portia got home from school. She took a deep breath and let it out, grabbed her jacket, put it on and headed next door.

She was surprised when he answered the door right away. It looked like he hadn't been sleeping well. He gave her a tired smile.

"Hello Stacy."

"Kurt. We need to talk."

He sighed. "I know."

He stepped back so she could enter the house and then shut the door behind them. Millie greeted her enthusiastically, and she gave the big dog a fond pat on the head. Kurt gestured for her to sit on the couch, and she sat, her eyes on him as he sat in the easy chair across from her.

"Stacy I . . ."

"We don't have to talk about that night. Well, I guess we do in a way but. . ." She cleared her throat. "I'm pregnant Kurt."

His eyes widened. "Pregnant? I . . . We. . ."

"Yes. We're having a baby. I don't know how you want to um, handle this but. . ."

"Stacy, I owe you an apology."

"You don't have to. We were consenting adults. I'd never had a one-night stand before that, but I think we both knew what we were doing."

"Oh Stacy, no. That's not what I meant. I screwed up big time. I've wanted you for so long and I lost my self-control that night. You're so beautiful. I've wanted to ask you out since shortly after we moved in, but I was never sure you felt the same way. I never meant to spend just one night with you. I was afraid you'd regretted what we'd done and I couldn't take the idea that I'd screwed up what we could have had by pushing you too far, too fast. So I took the coward's way out. I'm so sorry."

"I've always wanted you Kurt. I thought you were the one that didn't feel the same."

He gave her a crooked smile. "Funny that we chose to be so cautious for four years and the first night we got together we created a baby. I think our steps are a little out of order."

She laughed, feeling lighter than she had in weeks. "I suppose they are."

"I'd like to make it up to you if I can. And since the attraction is mutual, and we are having a baby together, now sounds like a good time to finally give us a chance."

She smiled. "Yes. I think so too."

And they found that they fit together even better as lovers than they had friends. They were married four weeks before her due date, and Portia was thrilled to have not only a new stepmother and another dog in the house since Stacy and Bruce had moved into Kurt and Portia's larger house, but soon a new little brother as well.

# Scars

Mary Bryson had been prom queen, a cheerleader, one of the most popular girls at her high school. She had also been vain, petty and sometimes downright mean. She sometimes wondered if she was being punished for her past actions.

At twenty-five she had been in a terrible car accident. The accident had left her with scars on the face she'd once been so vain about and had damaged her eyes, so she was no longer able to safely wear contact lenses. Between the scar that ran from her cheek down across her chin, the scar underneath her left eye and her permanent limp, she felt ugly.

Her boyfriend had left her as soon as she'd been released from the hospital. Her old "friends" were fickle and most didn't talk to her anymore. Her family hadn't forgiven her for the things she had done to her younger sister in high school. So all in all, Mary felt very alone.

She'd turned into a virtual agoraphobic since the accident, only leaving her house when she absolutely had to. Luckily she had received a settlement from the accident and a large inheritance from her aunt, so she was able to live comfortably without working. She supposed she should be grateful for the money, and mostly she was, but some days it was hard for her to be grateful for anything at all.

It was a Wednesday morning when a knock came at her door. She wasn't expecting any deliveries, so she wondered who it could be.

She opened the door to see a delivery man holding a huge bouquet of flowers. He had been smiling, but the smile dropped off his face when he saw her and he avoided her eyes like most people tended to do. She was used to it by now, but it still stung a little.

"Are you Mary?"

"Yes."

He handed her the flowers and was off her porch like a shot. She felt tears sting her eyes as she went back in the house. Sometimes she felt like a monster, and actions like the actions of the delivery man didn't make her feel like less of one.

She put the vase on the kitchen counter and pulled the card out. The note read 'I still think you're beautiful. Love, your secret admirer'

She balled the card up and tossed it into the trash, thinking that it had to be some kind of joke. She was tempted to toss out the flowers too, but they smelled wonderful. She'd always loved the scent of flowers and it had been so long since she'd received them.

She had given up on the idea of having friends, and especially of attracting a lover. Sometimes it felt like karma that her younger sister who she'd teased endlessly about her weight and lack of male attention in high school was now slim, beautiful and married to a handsome man that adored her and their three children, when she was left to face the rest of her life alone.

Mary had been a huge bitch in high school and after and she had hurt many people, her smart, kind, loving younger sister included, but what she thought of as her punishment didn't seem to fit the crime, at least in her eyes.

She poured herself a mug of coffee and took it back to the corner desk in her living room. She opened her email and was happy to find several emails she'd been waiting for. She opened the one from the school she'd applied to first, excitedly reading the words that told her she'd been accepted into the graphic arts program. A smile touched her face briefly, an all too rare occasion these days in Mary's life.

The next email she opened told her that the poem she'd entered in a national poetry contest had taken fifth place. She'd poured her heart and soul into the poem she'd written about karma, hoping to touch people who had once acted the way she had, believing that bad actions didn't have consequences.

After the accident she'd cried, not only for herself, but for all the people she'd so carelessly hurt in her life, her sister Belle being at the top of the list. Belle had forgiven her and she enjoyed seeing the pictures she'd sent of her niece and nephews, but she feared their parents would never forgive her for the way she had treated Belle.

She had been so cruel to her sibling that she had helped two boys in her class humiliate her sister at the very prom where she'd been crowned queen. She had felt terrible afterwards, but her parents had never looked at her the same after that. She'd felt that they had given up on her then and had gone right on being what had then been her cruel, cold self, telling herself that it didn't matter what they thought.

She'd tried to apologize to them after the accident and her father had seemed ready to accept her apology, but then her mother had asked who he was talking to. He'd told her, then she'd taken the phone from him, said "please don't call again" and hung up.

She hadn't bothered to try again after that. She'd accepted the fact that she was a huge disappointment to her parents and probably always would be and moved on with her life. She had drifted through many days after the accident on autopilot, days that had turned into months. Finally, about a year after the accident she'd decided she was going to do something with her life and put her efforts into figuring out what she wanted to do with herself.

She had been mostly directionless in high school, believing then that she would snare a rich man to take care of her. She hadn't really been a gold digger, or she hadn't thought of herself as one anyway, but the car she'd been driving in the accident had been paid for by her then boyfriend, the same boyfriend that had left her without a second thought after the accident.

She supposed she should have been glad to lose him though. He'd had plenty of money, but he'd only wanted her as a trophy and even with as fickle as she had been, she'd grown tired of being a trophy by then. She'd wanted someone to love her, really love her, and now she was afraid no one ever would.

She scrolled through her email, stopping on one with the subject 'hope you liked the flowers'. Her heart started to beat fast, but she tried to ignore it. She opened the email and read 'Beauty is in the eye of the beholder Mary, and to me you're more beautiful now than ever before. I hope you enjoyed the flowers. Love, your secret admirer'

She shook her head as she deleted the email without bothering to look at the name or the return address of the sender. How could she possibly be more beautiful than she had been before she thought? Everyone who looked at her seemed to see the same monster she saw when she looked in the mirror.

She decided to ignore her supposed secret admirer and went back to her normal life. It was two weeks later when there was another knock at her door. She was expecting text books for her upcoming journey back to school, so she certainly didn't expect to see the same delivery man who'd brought her flowers before.

He met her eyes briefly before looking away, and then handed her another bouquet of flowers. This one was even larger and included a small stuffed bear and a small balloon that read 'smile'. She took the bouquet back into the house, wondering who was screwing with her and why.

She pulled out the card and read 'I bet your smile still lights up a whole room if you'd only let it. You ARE beautiful. Love, your secret admirer'.

She tossed the card into the trash again, but a spark of hope crept into her heart. She walked slowly to the bathroom, flicked the light on, and forced her eyes to her reflection.

She appraised herself, trying not to see the ugliness that she usually saw. Her hair was still nice she thought, thick and wavy, and it had a nice auburn tone to it. Her eyes were pretty if you could find them behind the thick glasses. Her scars could have been worse. They could have been much worse.

She tried to think positively, and it worked to a certain extent. She could almost see the beautiful woman she had been, but after a while all she saw was the scars again and with a sigh she turned off the light and left the bathroom.

She continued to receive flowers and other gifts from her 'secret admirer'. By Valentine's Day six months later, she had almost convinced herself that her secret admirer was real.

She opened her door that day to a different delivery man. He looked vaguely familiar, and a name nagged at the back of her mind, but she couldn't quite reach it.

He handed her the bouquet of flowers he was holding. He didn't turn away from her face. He smiled, a little shy.

"Hello Mary."

"Do I know you?"

He shook his head slowly, and turned to leave.

"Wait."

He turned back to her. His eyes were so familiar. She had looked into those very eyes before, but when?

"Who are you?"

He smiled, a little less shy this time. "I'm your secret admirer. I always have been."

The only people that had stepped foot in her house since she'd lived there besides her had been installers and people to repair various things, so she was a little shy herself when she said "Would you like to come in? Have a cup of coffee with me?"

"I'd like that."

The logical part of her piped up and told her that she had invited a virtual stranger into her house. But he was naggingly familiar, not to mention that it was exciting to finally meet her secret admirer.

He followed her into the house. She poured them both a mug of coffee.

"It's okay if you don't remember me."

"But I think I do," she said. "Where do I know you from?"

"Brunton."

Brunton was the town she had grown up in. She studied him. He was tall and lean with sky blue eyes and dark hair that hung just past his shoulders. He was a very handsome man and she found it hard to believe he could find her beautiful. There was a part of her that did recognize him, but she couldn't quite put her finger on who he was.

"I'm sorry. I can't quite remember."

He gave her a gentle smile. "Gus Bradford."

She blinked. The Gus Bradford she remembered had been overweight and plagued by acne. He had written poetry for her in high school. She had ridiculed him in front of her friends, but secretly thought his words were beautiful. She couldn't believe her secret admirer was someone she had been mean to in high school.

"I'm sorry." She didn't know what else to say.

"For what? You were hardly the only person who was mean to me in high school."

"But I . . ."

"I got over it Mary. I moved here a few months before your accident. When I saw you, it felt meant to be. I had such a crush on you in high school. I thought maybe I'd have a better chance with you with my new look. But you were with that guy and then you had the accident. I sent you flowers when you were in the hospital. I looked for you around town, but eventually I figured that you don't go out much anymore."

"No. I don't. Thank you for the flowers. But I don't understand. How can you still think I'm beautiful? My scars make me feel so ugly. Most people take one look at me and turn away."

"If the people who turn away from you had to see themselves as they really are in the mirror, they'd probably turn away then too."

"But people don't see that."

"Love and friendship aren't about looks Mary. I didn't think you were beautiful in high school for the reasons everyone else did. I watched you. I saw the real you and she was more beautiful than the pretty face everyone else saw."

"What are you talking about? I was a mean, petty bitch. My parents still can't stand me because of the things I did to Belle in high school."

"I saw the real you Mary. Not the cheerleader who was trying so hard to fit in. I saw a girl who helped a boy back into his wheelchair when everyone else walked past. I saw a girl who laughed at me in front of her friends for penning silly poetry and later slipped an apology note into my locker that told me my words were beautiful. That's the real you Mary. It always has been."

Tears stung her eyes. "But I caused so much pain to so many people for no reason. Sometimes I feel like the accident was my karma."

"The things we put out into the world do have a way of coming back to us good or bad, but sometimes we must accept that bad things do happen. Things that we don't deserve. Would you have dinner with me tonight?"

"I can't."

"I understand. You don't feel the same. I won't bother you anymore."

"No Gus, I've enjoyed the flowers and gifts you've sent. They always brightened my day. It's hard for me to believe that you could want to be with me. I'm flattered and would love to have dinner with you, I just can't stand the thought of going out. People will stare."

"Let them. When I was overweight, I'd smile at a woman, and nine times out of ten she would turn away. People are often fickle and this world bases entirely too much on how people look on the surface, when outer beauty can be just as fickle. It doesn't last. There is beauty to be found in every scar, even yours."

"I don't see it."

"Sometimes the most difficult beauty for us to find is that which is within ourselves. I'd be a proud man to have you on my arm tonight, and any night. You are beautiful to me and it doesn't matter to me what anyone else sees."

"Thank you. I don't think I'm ready yet for a night out though. I've gotten pretty good at cooking. I could make us dinner."

"That would be great. What time would be good for you?"

"Seven would be good. Do you like pasta?"

"I do. Do you like chocolates?"

She smiled, the first true smile that had crossed her face in a long time. "I do."

"Good. Do you prefer a certain type of wine?"

She made a face. "I'm more of a beer girl."

He laughed. "Okay. I'll see you at seven then. Thank you for giving me a chance Mary."

She shook her head at him, amazed that he was thanking HER for giving him a chance. "You're crazy Gus. I should be thanking you for giving me a chance."

Dinner was nice. They drank beer together and laughed about their high school days. Mary liked Gus very much and it was obvious that he adored her. As time went on, she was able to let go of the person that she had been in the past and to forgive herself. She was also able to see the beauty that he saw in her and learned to love herself as she was with all her scars and imperfections.

They were married on the two-year anniversary of their first date. Belle convinced their parents to attend. And through love the wounds from the past were slowly but surely healed.

# In My Dreams

Thirty-three-year old Karma Bell was in the grocery store when she looked up and met the eyes of a very attractive man. There was a part of her that thought he looked familiar, but she put it off, thinking that he reminded her of an actor that she found attractive. She had turned to head down the frozen food aisle when a hand fell on her shoulder.

She turned and looked into a pair of very blue eyes. Familiar eyes. It was the good looking guy that she'd seen in the produce section.

She cleared her throat. "Hi."

"Karma? Karma Patterson?"

She cleared her throat. He was starting to look more and more familiar, but she couldn't believe that he was who she thought he was. She hadn't seen her crush in almost seventeen years except in her dreams.

"It's Karma Bell, but Patterson is my maiden name yes."

"You're married?" He looked down at her hand. She thought she caught a flash of disappointment in his eyes.

"Divorced. I kept my married name because I happened to get published when I was married and I'm known as Bell to my readers. Do I know you?"

He smiled, showing off gorgeous dimples and straight white teeth. "I'm insulted. We went to school together for how many years and you don't remember me? Jared Morris."

Her heart started to beat triple time. She caught the scent of his cologne. The same cologne that had always driven her crazy in high school, the same cologne that she loved to smell on any man because it reminded her of Jared.

She smiled. "Of course I remember you. You look so good."

"Me? Look at you. I love your hair. Piercings usually aren't my thing, but it looks good on you." He winked at her.

She felt color rise to her cheeks and touched her nose stud. "I got it right after I turned thirty. My ex-husband claimed that I went through my mid-life crisis a bit early. So are you in town to visit someone or do you live here?"

She tried to peek at his ring finger without looking too obvious. His hand was free of a wedding ring. She wanted to sigh. She was standing face to face with the man of her dreams. He had showed up in her dreams for years, forever reminding her that she had let him leave the small town that they grew up in without telling him how she felt about him, how she had felt about him for years.

"My job brought me here. Wait, you said Karma Bell? I'm standing next to a full blown celebrity."

She shook her head. "Hardly."

"You've had how many novels on the best seller lists? No need to be modest around someone you've known since kindergarten."

She laughed. "It's only three and I hardly write great literature. I write trashy romance novels." The blush rose to her cheeks again. "So are you just here on business or did you get transferred here?"

"I got transferred. I've been here about two weeks now. It is so good to see you. I can't believe I ran into you of all people. Talk about a blast from the past."

She smiled. "Yes. It's been a long time."

"Too long. Well, I guess I'll let you get back to your shopping." He smiled and turned to walk away.

She hid a sigh, wishing that he would have asked her out. There were times when she'd thought that her marriage had gone south because she had married the wrong man. She sometimes thought that she would never find her true love because he was the boy that she had carried a torch for since second grade.

She had taken two steps down the aisle when his voice stopped her. "Karma?"

She turned back towards him. "Yes?"

"Can I take you out to dinner? I mean, if you're not seeing someone."

Her heart felt like it was going to pound right out of her chest. She swallowed hard. "I'm not. I had a messy divorce and haven't had the heart to see anyone since then."

She bit her lip, wondering if she'd said the wrong thing.

"I see. I was married for a while. Our divorce wasn't messy, but our marriage was." He chuckled. "I would love to take you out to dinner and a movie. Or maybe you could show me the sights? I have weekends off."

"That would be great."

She smiled at him; feeling like her grin was so wide that her face was going to split. She had a feeling that she looked like an idiot.

"Great." He pulled a cell phone out of his pocket. "Can I have your phone number?"

"Sure."

She gave him her number.

He smiled. "Great. I had a bad day at work, but you turned my day right around. I'll call you and we can figure out when a good time to get together would be."

"Great."

"I'll see you later Karma."

"Bye Jared."

Once he had walked away, she let her sigh out. It was a sigh of utter contentment. She had looked for Jared online at social networks, through his old friends and through his sister, but had never been able to find him. It seemed like fate that she had run into him in the grocery store, that they were now living in the same town once again.

She felt like she was walking on air as she finished her shopping. She forgot to consult her list after she ran into Jared and ended up forgetting half of what she'd meant to buy, including what she'd planned for dinner that night, so she ended up ordering Chinese food. She ate it sitting on her porch swing, swinging gently, barefoot and in her pajamas, feeling like a love struck teenager.

It took her forever to fall asleep that night. When she crawled out of bed the next morning she felt like she hadn't slept at all and the coffee she downed did nothing to take her weariness away. Her writing was terrible and she ended up deleting all of it. She hadn't been this distracted since she'd first found out that Miles had been cheating on her with an eighteen-year-old and had gotten the girl pregnant. But where that distraction was nowhere near good, the distraction of seeing Jared Morris after so long was so good it was almost too good to be true.

He called her Thursday night and they made plans to get together over the weekend. Saturday morning it took Karma forever to pick something out to wear. Finally she settled on a lightweight lavender blouse and a pair of capris that matched since the weather was supposed to be nice. She slipped her feet into her sandals and sat uncomfortably on the couch until a knock signaled his arrival several minutes later.

She opened the door and he gave her a wide smile. "You are so beautiful. You look even better than you did in high school."

She laughed. "I was fat in high school."

"I still thought you were beautiful."

He offered her his hand. She took it, thinking that none of her novels had come close to what she was feeling at that moment with her fingers twined through Jared's. They spent the day seeing the sights. It was fun. Jared was easy to talk to and she saw the sights that had become boring to her after five years through new eyes again. They had dinner together and then he drove her home.

She wanted to invite him in, but she was afraid she'd say something stupid or try to seduce him since sex had been on her mind all day. Jared had looked good in high school. He had turned into an even more handsome man-tall and lean with sandy hair and his gorgeous blue eyes.

He hugged her and she had to stop herself from breathing in his scent. He smelled just the way she thought a man should smell. He pulled back and gave her a soft kiss.

"I had such a good time today Karma. I wasn't thrilled about coming here, but now I'm glad that I did." He smiled.

"Me too. I had a good time too."

"When can we do it again?"

She wanted to blurt out that she would spend the rest of her life with him if he asked her to, but instead she said "I'm pretty open. I do most of my writing during the day or late at night when I can't sleep."

"Wednesday would be great if it works for you. There's an Italian restaurant that's supposed to be really good."

"Sure. I love Italian."

"Does seven work for you?"

"Sounds great."

"Good." He kissed her again. "Goodnight Karma."

"Goodnight Jared."

Her hand shook a little as she unlocked the door. She stood to the side of the window and watched him drive away, feeling like a teenage girl again. She still couldn't believe that she had gone out on a date with Jared Morris, that he had kissed her. She had imagined for years what it would feel like to have his lips touch hers.

Their second date went very well. He gave her a lingering kiss when they parted and she was hopeful for what would come for them. For their third date she offered to cook him dinner and he agreed.

Dinner went well. Then she drank a little too much wine. They were sitting together on the couch, his arm draped lightly across the back when she looked at him and blurted "I dream about you."

He gave her an amused smile. "You do huh?"

Her face felt like it was on fire. "Sorry. I think I've had too much to drink. I sound like an idiot."

He reached out and gently brushed her hair back from her neck. "No. If you want complete honesty I dream about you too. I have for years."

She let out a relieved laugh. "Really?"

He smiled. "Yes. I had a crush on you for years. I thought my sister told your sister that."

Their older sisters had been friends.

"She did, but you told her you didn't like me anymore. I liked you for so long. I had silly crushes on other boys of course, but I never felt for any of them what I felt for you. Your cologne, it's my favorite and it's because of you. I remember sitting behind you sophomore year, trying to catch that scent. It drove me crazy."

He smiled. "I thought so."

"Hey."

"I was mean to you in Jr. High because I liked you. I used to try to smell your perfume when you sat behind me. It was vanilla. It's not anymore. You still smell really good though."

"Thank you. I wear body spray most of the time now."

She took another sip of her wine. When she looked into his eyes she saw so much emotion that she had to look away. "My neighbor worked with you at that diner for a while before you left town. I was so disappointed when I found out you were leaving. I wanted to tell you that I liked you, but it seemed kind of pointless then."

"Karma, when I saw you in the grocery store that day it was like I had woken up in the middle of a dream. We were silly kids then, but our hearts never let us forget. If anything has ever felt like it was meant to be in my life, this is it."

"Oh Jared."

She kissed him. Their kisses turned into an encounter in her bedroom that had been years in the making. She felt guilty for keeping him up all night when he had to work, but he told her that it was worth it.

They were married six months later. Karma wasn't sure how long it would take her readers to get used to looking for Karma Morris instead of Karma Bell, but she couldn't have been happier than to carry his last name. And she was glad that her heart had never let her forgot her grade school crush that had turned from a lost love into true love.

# Special Bonus story: Who Are You

When Dorothy Bowman was given the assignment to write a paper that answered the question 'who are you' in her college English class, she agonized over the answer for days before she finally sat down and started to write.

She was happy to receive an 'A' grade on the paper, but a little concerned about the attached note that read 'please see me after class', and approached her instructor's desk with caution.

Ms. Benson gave her a smile. "I have to say Dorothy that your essay contained the most honest answer I've received to that question since I've been teaching this class."

"Thank you." She wasn't sure what else to say.

"I would like you to read it aloud to the class next week."

"I'm not really comfortable with public speaking."

"I don't expect you to memorize it. Just read it. You'll do fine."

"Uh, okay. What day next week?"

She had the brief thought that she could pretend to be sick that day, but she knew she couldn't afford to miss another class.

"Monday. Towards the end of class."

"Okay. Ms. Benson, can I ask why you chose me?"

"I realize you don't think of yourself as much of a writer, but your paper was not only well written, but thought provoking. I believe your classmates will respond well to it."

"Oh. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

Her husband was proud when she told him, and insisted she use him and the kids for a practice audience at least once. The kids even offered a hearty congratulations with their youngest, the ten year old twins, chiming in with "that's so cool Mom."

She thought she must have read the paper a thousand times over that weekend, searching for what Ms. Benson saw in her words, but hadn't found it by the time she stood uncomfortably in front of her class on Monday morning.

She cleared her throat, wishing she had thought to take a sip of water. But she hadn't, so she took a deep breath, let it out and began to read. Her voice grew more sure as she progressed in her reading.

"My name is Dorothy Bowman. I'm thirty-five years old and pursuing a teaching degree. I have been married to my husband Willis for sixteen years and we have five wonderful children. I am 5'9 with brown hair and blue eyes that require contacts or glasses to correct my vision. I have always wondered why it is more difficult for people to love others than it is to love themselves, and it is something I have struggled with myself. I love my husband. It has not always been easy, but it has always been worth it. I am not always the best wife-I am stubborn, anxious at times, and can get very grumpy. But he still loves me. I have not always been a model daughter, but I love my parents and am thankful they are mine and hope that they know that. I love my children. They are an amazing combination of the best of me and the best of their father, with some of the bad thrown in, along with the wonderful uniqueness that makes them all themselves. I am not a perfect parent, but I've not yet met one and don't expect to. I am not a perfect friend. I am an introvert and may sometimes seem distant. But if I were to meet me, I believe that I would like me and possibly even love me, as good friends often do. I am basically a good person, though flawed as we all are. I tend, as I think many do, to consider my many imperfections more than my good qualities though."

She paused and looked out over the classroom. Besides a few exceptions, she had the full attention of her classmates and returned her attention to the paper as she again started to read.

"I am overweight and have struggled with my weight for more than half my life. My eyesight is only getting worse. I can feel in my hands where the arthritis will eventually set in. My breasts sag, my joints pop and my stomach will forever bear the scar from an emergency c-section of twin boys. My bottom is ample and some days, I am just so damned tired. But I have come to the conclusion that I should love my body. It has served me quite well for all these years, and likely will continue for many more to come. My eyes may be dreadfully near sighted, but they have shown me so much beauty. My breasts have nourished five children and have a right to appear less than perfect. My hands have soothed my children countless times and so has the mere sound of my voice. My hips may be wide, but they bore five children and carried them innumerable times as well. The scar I carry from the birth of the twins was always worth it, because it brought two wonderful boys into my life. My bottom may be large, but my husband still appreciates it, and that's all that counts to me. As for the real me, the one that resides on the inside, I deserve to be loved too. I am a good person. My intentions are more often than not good. I don't like to see others hurt, especially those I love. But I must love me too, the good and the bad, and that is sometimes the hardest task of all. We love our parents, our partners sometimes even at first sight, we fall in love with our children before they are born. But we criticize ourselves for imperfections we readily overlook in others because we love them. And so we must love ourselves and I am trying hard to do so. I am trying to love not only the parts of me that make me a loving wife and nurturing mother, but the parts of me that are stubborn, irritable and anxious. My name is Dorothy Bowman and I am a good person, deep down where it counts. I may not turn heads, but I will always turn the head of the man that I love, because he has always been able to love the imperfect me perfectly. I am a good mother and a good friend. I may not be exactly who I thought I was going to be, but I am me and I am good at being me. I am trying to love myself more and criticize myself less, and for today that is enough."

Applause scattered throughout the classroom and a blush rose to her cheeks. It was time for class to end and she was glad it was over. Several classmates stopped her on the way out and told her she had done a good job, and they'd liked her paper. It felt good and she was glad that she had written the paper in the tone she had. She still wasn't quite sure what Ms. Benson had seen in her paper, but it was enough that others had enjoyed it, and Dorothy was content with that.

# Special Bonus story: What They Didn't Know

Steph wondered why her husband was calling when she looked at her phone. He never called while she was at work, only sent her an "I love you" text now and then or sometimes a message about the kids.

The store was dead so she answered the call with a bright "Hello," hoping Bryce hadn't chosen to call because he had bad news. The thought that their rebellious son had gotten himself into trouble briefly crossed her mind.

"Baby. Oh, baby I'm so sorry."

Panic rose. Bryce sounded as if he'd been crying. What if one of the kids had been in an accident she thought? All she could hear was stuttered breathing on the other end of the line. Her heart pounded as she waited for her husband to speak. She feared the worst and wondered which one of her babies was hurt. All three children were her babies, though seventeen-year-old Zane had a rebellious streak a mile wide and seemed bound and determined to drive them both crazy as of late. She had loved her stepson as long as she had loved his father, and since Zane's mother had died during childbirth, Steph was the only mother he had ever known.

As panicked thoughts raced through her head, she heard Zane's voice. He was calm, almost too calm she thought. Something terrible had happened and she wondered which one of her girls was involved.

"Dad, let me talk to Mom okay?"

Zane was talking to his father in the gentle voice of a father soothing a child. Steph blinked back tears.

"Mom, are you still there?"

She had been Mom since he was seven by his choice and Steph had always been damned proud of it.

"What's going on Zane? Did something happen to one of your sisters?"

"We need you to come home."

"Zane honey, please just tell me what's going on."

"It's Jilly Mom. She . . . Dad took Kami to the store with him. Jilly didn't want to go, said she wasn't feeling well. I was out with Dana. Dad let Kami go play at the neighbors' while he put groceries away. He called out to Jilly and she didn't answer. She's dead Mom. My sister killed herself. Dad is freaking out. Can you come home please?"

"Zane no. She can't be gone. Please tell me she's not gone."

The tears had started and the emptiness that had suddenly descended on her heart told her all the truth she needed to know.

"Oh Mom. I'm so sorry. She was the best of us."

She and Bryce had sometimes teased the kids that Jilly was their best child since Zane was the quiet rebel and Kami was endless energy, always getting into something, ever curious. Jilly was shy, smart and a talented song writer and poet, and had hardly been in trouble during childhood. Her baby could not be gone.

"Tell me this is some kind of sick joke Zane."

"You know I wouldn't do that. I loved Jilly. She was my sister in all the ways that really matter. Do you want me to come pick you up? I'll bring Kami. They gave Dad a mild sedative. He can't stop crying."

Feeling numb, Steph said "Stay with Dad. I'll walk home or find a ride. I love you Zane."

"I love you too. I'm sorry. I should have known."

"It's not your fault baby. I'll be home soon. Take care of Dad and Kami for me okay?"

"I will. Bye Mom. See you soon."

"Bye Zane."

Steph hung up the phone, wiped her face and blew her nose before she turned to her employee Kat, who was wearing a look of concern.

"I have to go home. Will you close up shop? I'm not sure we'll be opening at all for the next few days."

"Is everything okay Steph?"

Steph shook her head. She wasn't sure anything would ever be okay again. But she couldn't bring herself to tell Kat what had happened. She still couldn't believe it herself.

Zane might blame himself for his sister's death since they had always been close, but if Steph blamed anyone, it was herself. She was Jilly's mother.

"Something terrible has happened. I need to go home now. Just close up and if you could call Sam and Beau and tell them not to come in tomorrow, I'd really appreciate it."

"Sure. If you can wait a few minutes, I'll call Matty and have him take you home."

"It's okay hon. Thank you."

Steph grabbed her jacket and her purse and walked out into the chilly spring night. She wondered why the world didn't look different with her daughter gone. She felt like it should have.

Jilly had been the light of her life. She had been crazy in love with Jilly's father, and had gotten pregnant in an attempt to keep him. But Joel had had a wandering eye and hadn't wanted a child. He'd given her a black eye and accused her of cheating when she'd told him they were having a baby, then he'd apologized profusely, proposed two days later, then two weeks after that he'd walked right out of their lives.

So it had been Steph and Jilly against the world until Bryce and Zane had come into their lives when Jilly was a year old and Zane was three. They had become a family and Zane and Jilly had always acted as brother and sister, though they had grown apart some in the past couple years.

Steph walked home in a daze, wondering why in the world her daughter had chosen to take her own life. What had she missed, there had to have been something that she had missed she thought. The thought circled her mind over and over again, and it was all she could think of as she opened the door to her house.

Zane was sitting on the couch with Kami, his arm around his little sister who looked half asleep. The TV was on low, tuned to a cartoon that Kami normally wasn't allowed to watch, but Steph didn't think now was the time to scold either of her children.

Zane offered her a weak smile. "I convinced Dad to try and get some sleep. He's not doing very well."

"I can imagine."

Steph rubbed her hand over her face. She didn't think it had even really sunk in yet that Jilly was gone. How could her bright, beautiful daughter be gone? She was only fifteen, still a few months' shy of her sixteenth birthday.

Kami sat up. "Mom?"

"Yes baby?"

"I don't want Jilly to be dead. That means she's not coming back like Grandma."

Tears filled her eyes and her throat felt like it was going to close up.

"I don't want Jilly to be dead either baby."

Steph opened her arms and nine-year-old Kami crawled into her lap. Steph breathed in the sweet scent of her daughter's shampoo for a moment, then looked at Zane. His blue eyes were filled with tears that threatened to overflow. Steph shifted Kami and opened her arms to embrace her son as well. They sat silently for several minutes until Kami protested.

"You're hugging me too tight Mom."

"I'm sorry baby."

Steph released her little girl.

"Can I have hot chocolate?"

Steph nodded and Zane got up and held his hand out to Kami. "I'll help so you don't make too big of a mess."

Kami made a face at her brother, but took his hand and followed him to the kitchen.

Steph put her head in her hands. She listened with half an ear as the kids talked quietly in the kitchen. Kami was ever curious and battering Zane with questions about Jilly. Steph wondered if she should step in, but Zane had always managed to have seemingly endless patience when it came to his little sister, and he seemed to be handling it as well as ever. So Steph let them talk. She wasn't sure she had the strength to answer Kami's questions at the moment anyway, especially when she had so many unanswered questions of her own, first and foremost why her daughter had chosen to take her own life.

She closed her eyes and thought back over the past few days, and then the past few weeks, wracking her brain for any sign that Jilly had been unhappy. Jilly was sometimes shy, and had had trouble making friends when she was younger, but she had seemed happy to Steph.

There was not one moment that stuck out in Steph's mind that told her that her daughter had been unhappy, let alone suicidal. What kind of a mother am I, she thought, if I was so blind to the pain of my own child?

She was crying again by the time Zane headed towards the stairs with a protesting Kami who didn't think it was bedtime.

"Tell Mom goodnight."

"Goodnight Mom. I love you."

"I love you too baby. Goodnight."

Steph's eyes remained closed until a gentle hand fell on her shoulder several minutes later. She opened her eyes and looked at her son.

"Can I talk to you?"

Steph held back a sigh. She wasn't sure that she wanted to hear what Zane had to say to her, especially if it was something about Jilly.

She nodded and Zane curled his lanky frame into the other end of the couch. He took a deep breath and let it out.

"I should have known something wasn't right. She was my sister."

"You can't blame yourself Zane."

"Dad blames himself. I'm sure you're gonna blame yourself too. So why shouldn't I blame myself? She used to talk to me sometimes you know, if it wasn't something she wanted to talk to you and Dad about. Not lately though."

"What did she talk to you about?"

"Boys sometimes, and why they didn't seem to like her. Sex, stuff like that."

Steph sighed. "If they didn't like her it was their problem."

"I know that Mom. She just didn't always know that. You know she was self-conscious about her weight and there was nothing anyone could say to her to make it better. Even seeing me with Dana didn't make her feel better."

The ghost of a smile briefly crossed Steph's face. She and Bryce had had a sneaking suspicion that Zane had originally asked Dana out because she was overweight to make his sister feel better about herself. But Dana was confident in her skin overweight or not, and she was undeniably beautiful when you got to know her. And Zane had fallen for Dana, spending most of his time with her, though his friends still sometimes teased him about his "fat" girlfriend.

"Jilly was beautiful inside and out. I never understood why she couldn't see that. Had the kids been teasing her at school again?"

Zane bit his lip. The silence stretched on for too long.

"Zane. Is there something you need to tell me?"

"Gina said there was something going on, and something about a party a while back. She said she's willing to talk to you if you want."

"But you didn't hear anything or see anything at school?"

Zane shook his head. "I was the one that told you about those assholes in my class bullying Jilly before. I would have told you guys if that shit had started again."

Zane had gotten suspended from school last year for confronting two boys in his class that had been tormenting Jilly for weeks after she had shown up at a school dance alone. Steph had helped her daughter pick out a dress she had thought was flattering to Jilly's curvy figure, and had thought her daughter looked beautiful, but some at the dance hadn't agreed and had sent the girl home in tears.

Zane had punched one of the boys in the face for calling Jilly fat and ugly, and had been about to punch another boy for calling Jilly "just his stepsister" when a teacher stepped in and broke up the fight. Bryce had told Zane he was proud of him and then grounded him for three weeks.

"How did Gina take the news?"

Zane sighed. Gina had been Jilly's oldest and dearest friend. The two had been practically inseparable since childhood. Gina had had a hard life though. Her parents had died, leaving her to live with an aunt she had hardly known, a woman Steph had a sneaking suspicion was not just emotionally, but also physically abusive to her niece.

"She's gonna be just as lost without Jilly as the rest of us. I feel bad for that poor girl."

"Are things bad at home again?"

"Yeah. I'll let her tell you. She's probably still up if you want to call her. I think I'm going to head up to bed. At least try to get some sleep. There's a couple sleeping pills on your nightstand."

"Thank you. Goodnight Zane."

"Night Mom. You are my mom, and she was my sister and I loved her. I hope she knew that."

"I'm sure she did honey. I love you."

"I love you too."

Zane gave her a brief embrace and then turned and retreated up the stairs.

Steph looked at her phone, wondering if it would make her feel better or worse to talk to her daughter's best friend. She had always liked Gina and had never minded having the girl around. With the way things were at home sometimes, Steph had often thought Gina was better off spending time at their house. At least she had known she was always welcome there.

She took a deep breath and let it out, deciding that any knowledge she could gain about what her daughter had been feeling might be helpful.

She dialed Gina's number, and the numbness started to set in again. How could this be happening she thought?

"Hi Mrs. Brighton. I'm so sorry about Jilly."

"You know you can call me Steph. I'm sorry too honey. Zane said you wanted to talk to me about something."

"Yeah. I should have told you before but Jilly. . . I swear I didn't know. I didn't know that my best friend felt so bad that she wanted to kill herself."

"I don't think anyone really knew. What's this about a party?"

"Please don't be mad at me. I know we shouldn't have gone, but it seemed harmless at the time."

Steph held back a sigh. "Just tell me what happened please."

"A few weeks ago when Jilly was supposed to be spending the night at my house we snuck out and went to a party. A college party. We um. . . Please don't hate me."

"You were Jilly's best friend honey. I always enjoyed having you here. I promise that I won't be mad."

Gina sighed. "We smoked weed and took an ecstasy pill. There was this guy, he was a year ahead of Zane in school. Jilly went with him to this bedroom upstairs."

Steph's heart set to pounding again. "Did he. . ."

She couldn't bring herself to say the words.

"No. She said they didn't have sex, but I think they did and she was ashamed. She told me once that maybe she should become a slut so that guys would at least pretend to like her. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told you that."

"Do you know this boy's name? Are you sure that something bad didn't happen that night?"

Anger had started to blossom. Steph figured that a nameless boy who may have raped her daughter was as good a place to direct it as any.

When Gina spoke again, Steph could tell she was fighting back tears. "He wouldn't have raped her. His name is Trace and he always liked Jilly, he just didn't want to ask her out before because he thought she was too young and people at school were always so stupid anyway. Who cares if Jilly wasn't skinny? Anyone who isn't too blind to see around surface looks could see she was beautiful. I thought she was beautiful on the outside too, but she never listened to me."

"She never listened to any of us, I just never knew she felt so bad that she would do something like this. I never knew that my daughter was so sad that she would even consider suicide."

"She didn't seem sad to me either. Not even that night. She was acting a little weird at first, so I knew something more than she told me had happened, but honestly, she seemed happier this past few weeks than she had been in a long time. Not that she wasn't always happy, it just seemed like sometimes there was something underneath you know."

"Yeah."

Steph had felt that way sometimes too. She would catch Jilly staring off into space, so lost in her thoughts that she was hardly even there. But she had put it off to her daughter's creative streak, thinking that the talented girl who had been penning poetry and songs since she was ten years old simply had an idea stuck in her head.

"I'm going to let you try to get some sleep Gina. If there's anything else you can think of that you want to share with me about Jilly, feel free."

"Thank you. I always felt at home when I was at your house. I'm going to miss coming over."

"You're still welcome Gina."

Though she wasn't sure it would be easy to see Gina without Jilly, she felt enough for the girl to still want her around. She knew that the Brighton household had sometimes been almost a safe haven for her daughter's best friend, and it would be harder not to know that Gina was okay, or at least as okay as she could be in her sometimes tumultuous household.

"Thank you. I'm gonna miss her so much. If it's okay with you, I'd like to say something at the funeral."

"Of course honey. Goodnight Gina."

"Night Steph. I loved her like she was my sister you know?"

"I know sweetie. I know."

Steph hung up the phone and sat back on the couch. She wanted to scream at the heavens, to ask a God she was currently having a hard time believing in why he had let it happen. How her beautiful daughter could have thought things were so bad that she could no longer stand to go on.

After time had passed Steph stood. She had no idea how much time had passed since time had stopped for her the instant her son's voice had told her her daughter was gone. She had no idea when or if time would exist normally for her again. And even if it did, she thought as she mounted the stairs with feet that felt like they were made of lead, this day would mark every day that passed after it as the time after Jilly had passed.

Zane's door was open a crack and she could hear soft music playing. She knocked lightly on the door, as not to disturb her sleeping daughter or husband.

"Come in."

Steph eased the door open, knowing it had a tendency to open with a tired creak if jarred too quickly.

"Zane, do you know why things are bad for Gina at home?"

Her son wouldn't look at her. "She didn't tell you?"

"No. And do you know this Trace boy?"

Zane turned to her and as she glimpsed relief on his face at the change in subject her worry for Gina grew.

"I went to school with Trace. He's a great guy. Nice to everyone and super smart."

"Did you know anything about him and Jilly?"

"Uh, please don't be pissed at me, but yeah, I sorta did-for a while. If I had known everything would turn out like this I would have told you."

"Do you think Trace had anything to do with your sister's decision?"

"No. He really liked her Mom. He told me before his graduation. I didn't tell her because I knew she had a terrible crush on him too, and I thought you and Dad would freak because he's older. I figured that if they really liked each other they'd get together when they were older and no one would say anything because the age difference wouldn't matter so much. He sobbed when I told him."

"Did you know about the party?"

"Gina told me last week because she was worried about Jilly. I got pissed and called Trace. Gina didn't tell me they had sex, but I could tell she thought they did. I knew Trace wouldn't have forced her into it, but if Jilly had taken ecstasy and smoked weed, she wouldn't have been thinking straight so I was worried that she might have regretted it afterwards. And yes, I want to kick my own ass for letting Jilly think that it was okay to smoke weed."

She smiled, though it quickly faded. "Your dad and I came to the decision that we would prefer our children to smoke marijuana rather than trying prescription pain pills or cocaine and we actually told Jilly that. Dad was a little too embarrassed at the fit he had thrown after he caught you with the joint to tell you. What did Trace say?"

"He let me bitch him out for taking my sister's virginity when she was high, then he told me that he loved her and never would have done it if he hadn't. He does love her Mom. I know you probably wouldn't have liked that he was so much older, but if there's a guy that was anywhere near good enough for Jilly, it was Trace. I should have told you about him. I just didn't want to make everyone mad."

"Don't you dare worry about that anymore. You tell Dad and I anything that is remotely important. Even if it makes us mad, I can't stand the thought of losing another child because I just didn't know. Now, what is going on with Gina? Even if it doesn't seem like your place to tell me son, her safety is much more important than any hurt feelings or pride, especially now."

"I'm not positive exactly what's going on, but it's not good. Her aunt has a new boyfriend. She's already talking about marrying him I guess. But he's young, and it's been going around school that it's Gina he really wants, and that he's the kind of guy that will take what he wants."

"My God Zane, how could all this be going on and we don't know anything? Are we such bad parents that our children can't talk to us?"

Zane squeezed her hand. "We could never ask for better parents. Our family has always been family no matter whose blood matched. It sucks to be a teenager. It's easier to talk to friends because they're right there with you, going through the same kind of crap. We know we can talk to you. We just sometimes make the choice not to even when we know we should. I'm sorry Mom."

"I know. I'm going to try to get some sleep. You try too huh?"

"Sure. Night Mom."

"Goodnight son."

She turned and left the room, waiting until Zane had closed his door to quietly cross the hall to Jilly's room. She hadn't thought to ask where they had found Jilly, but she was sure it had probably been here.

She curled up on her daughter's bed and cried into her pillow until the tears wouldn't come anymore. Then she sat up, shook her head to clear it and crossed to the desk, switching on the dim desk lamp.

Jilly's laptop was on, but in sleep mode, so Steph nudged it awake. Nothing was open on the computer that she could see, so she spent some time going through the files which were mostly songs and poetry in Jilly's normal cheerful tone. There was nothing that answered any of Steph's questions and she turned the computer off with a sigh.

She took in her daughter's slightly unkempt room. The pictures on the walls, the books on the shelves and the decorations told her nothing she hadn't known about her daughter. She pulled a picture of Jilly and Gina off the cork board that Jilly had affixed to her wall and covered in pictures. The two girls were smiling brightly in the picture, looking like nothing other than a happy pair of best friends. Yet they were both hiding painful secrets, and Steph searched their faces, wondering why her daughter had chosen to keep her pain hidden and also what fate would befall Gina if someone didn't do something.

She replaced the picture with a sigh, telling herself she would do something for Gina after she had gotten through Jilly's funeral. Though she had no idea how she was going to make it through even that far, let alone how she was going to live the rest of her life with an empty hole where her daughter had been.

She was tempted to curl back up on Jilly's bed and attempt to sleep, but she knew Bryce needed her. Jilly had been his little girl too, and just as she had been the only mother Zane had ever known, Bryce had been the only father Jilly had ever known.

A thought occurred to her as she reached to turn off the lamp and she paused. She had been searching for some sort of diary or journal on the laptop, but Jilly wrote her songs and poetry out on paper and then later transferred them to the computer. She wasn't much of a writer herself, but she had even kept a journal as a teenager, telling it things she hadn't shared with even her closest friends. It seemed quite possible that Jilly, who had a passion for writing, would keep a journal, and that it may be on paper.

Steph scanned the room again. She searched the desk, the shelves in the closet, and under the bed until finally arriving at the hiding place. She pulled the notebook from under her daughter's mattress with a slight smile, crossing back to the desk with it.

She smiled because she remembered telling Jilly of the hiding spot for her journal, which had been under her own mattress.

She opened the book, glad Jilly had neat handwriting at least. As she read her daughter's words tears started to fall. The words told the story of a sensitive girl who had been teased about her weight since grade school, who wondered why she hadn't been born thin like her mother, her sister, her best friend or countless girls at school. They also told the story of a young girl in love with an older boy who had given him her virginity so he would like her and then found out that he already had.

Jilly's words told Steph that her daughter had been ashamed of what she had done, and it spoke to the way her daughter had truly felt about herself. The words also told Steph that her daughter had been even more sensitive than she had realized. She had known there was beauty in the world, but she had been overwhelmed by all the pain and suffering that humans caused each other.

The light of dawn had brightened the window by the time she reached the last entry in the journal, which was dated two days before. She had to close the notebook before she could read it a second time, she was crying so hard.

Steph took a deep breath and let it out. She pulled a handful of tissues out of the Kleenex box and blew her nose. She opened the notebook and again read Jilly's words.

'I know that we live in a beautiful world and that most people are good, but I don't know how to go on anymore. Why would I even want to live in a world where people starve to death and freeze to death on the streets for no reason? A world where people will never look at me and see anything other than a fat girl, no matter what I accomplished. A world where I have a wonderful family and my best friend has to put up with being abused because her aunt doesn't want her. There's so much wrong in this world that I can no longer see the right. If you're reading this Mom and Dad, I'm sorry. This wasn't your fault. I guess I was just too sensitive to take all the crap in this world. I love you and I always will. I hope there's still a better place for me.'

It was signed simply 'Jilly'.

Steph sat back and let it sink in. The thought that her daughter had taken her life because the world could be cruel saddened her greatly. It also made her angry. She wanted someone to blame, somewhere to direct the energy that suddenly felt useless. If she hadn't been able to save her daughter, hadn't even realized she was lost, what good was she?

Sometime later, the door opened quietly. Bryce gave her a tired smile. "I thought I might find you in here beautiful. Did you sleep at all?"

She shook her head, and held the notebook out to him. "Read the last page. Please."

Bryce sat on the edge of Jilly's bed. Tears filled his already blood shot eyes. He sat the notebook aside and turned to Steph.

"How could we not have known? I always knew she was sensitive and she never understood why some people had so much when others had nothing, but I never knew she let it all get to her this much. We should have known. We could have saved her."

Steph crossed to Bryce and he buried his head in her chest. She let him cry and then pulled back and gave him a gentle kiss.

"She didn't want us to know how she felt. Any of us. She was so good that she chose to keep it all inside. I'd like to read some of what she wrote at the funeral."

Bryce nodded. "She always did have a way with words."

"Did she do it here babe?"

"The basement. Where they used to hide from us when they were little. I thought she had run away at first. Then I thought about the basement. And I found her. She hung herself."

Steph was sure the sight of their daughter's body would probably haunt Bryce for the rest of his life. She hadn't even seen it and she was sure it would haunt her thoughts.

"I suppose I should try to track down Joel. Not that he's ever been her father in any of the ways that count, but I guess he does have a right to know she's gone."

"Yeah. Did she mention anything to you about Gina's situation before?"

"No. I could tell that something was off, but I was never sure there was physical abuse going on. There is. Jilly wrote about a night she spent over there a few months ago when she saw Gina's aunt hit her. It was far from the first time. I wish she would have talked to us. Now there's a man involved and he sounds to be no good. We need to help her Bryce."

"I'm not sure what we can do babe. Even if there is abuse going on, it might be hard to prove. People that abuse children can be very good at hiding it."

"We'll figure something out. I'll take Jilly's journal to the police if I have to. We will take Gina ourselves if it comes down to it. I don't think Jilly would forgive us if we didn't at least try."

"You're probably right there."

"Did Zane mention this boy Trace to you?"

A guarded look crossed his face. "No. Who is this boy?"

"I mentioned him because I believe he'll be at the funeral. He's older, a year or so older than Zane."

"He was her. . . Boyfriend?"

"Not exactly."

"What are you not telling me Steph? Did this boy have something to do with what Jilly did?"

"No. They. . . Were together, but not together. Zane said he cared for her."

"Together? As in this older boy was having sex with our little girl and we knew nothing about it?"

"Calm down babe." She touched his face gently and tried to coax a smile out of him by offering one of her own. "Zane explained that no one told us because they thought rightfully that we would be upset. He didn't harm her. From what our son told me, he loved her."

Bryce shook his head. "I never thought we would be the kind of parents whose kids felt they couldn't talk to us."

She squeezed his hand. "Zane assured me that we're not. It sucks to be a teenager remember? I sure didn't want to spill my guts to my parents, especially when it came to sex. They would have had a fit if they'd known I lost my virginity at fourteen."

"Yeah. I guess. It still feels like we should have known though."

"It may always feel like that. But that's not how I want to remember our little girl. I want to remember the joy she brought to our lives simply by being herself."

"She was so beautiful, but she never wanted to admit it. Why is it so hard for people to see the beauty inside themselves?"

"I don't know babe, but maybe if more people could see the beauty inside themselves it wouldn't be so hard for them to see the beauty in others."

She yawned and Bryce gave her a gentle smile. "You need sleep beautiful. Are you still in touch with Joel's sister?"

"It's under Mel in my phone. Just send her a text and tell her I'll get back to her with the details later."

He nodded. The thought that they had to plan their daughter's funeral exhausted Steph even more and she suddenly wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and let it all go for a while.

"If Gina calls, tell her to come over. The more time she spends away from home from now on, the better."

Bryce smiled. "We know where she got her tender heart from."

"It's the right thing to do."

"I know baby. We'll figure it all out. Get some sleep. You look like you're ready to fall over."

Bryce clicked off the desk lamp and led her to their bedroom where he helped her into pajamas and then tucked her into bed. He left after a brief kiss and I love you, headed to Kami's room since her TV had come on and cartoons were playing quite loudly.

Steph sighed as she turned over in bed. The volume was lowered on the TV, but she found herself unable to fall asleep. After what seemed like endless minutes of guilty thoughts running through her mind, Steph gave up and reached for one of the sleeping pills on the night stand. She knew that she was going to have a hard enough time keeping it together the next few days as it was, she didn't think she needed to add lack of sleep on top of it.

When she woke up, the glaring light of a spring afternoon was shining. It seemed wrong for the day to be so bright and cheerful when everything else seemed so wrong, but Steph had had a dream about her daughter that had cemented her decision to make changes in her life even more.

She went downstairs and called a family meeting. Zane was the only one who looked as if he hadn't been crying, but Steph knew the loss of Jilly had hit him just as hard as anyone.

She told her family that she was going to work less, and that she wanted more family time. She didn't want to smother her children, but Jilly's suicide had made it plain and clear to Steph that she needed more quality time with her kids. She told them that Gina may live with them temporarily or permanently and that her mind was made up on that issue. She was not going to let the girl her daughter had loved like a sister become another lost child.

Her family took her announcements in stride and Zane even attempted a joke when he pointed out that Gina might as well have lived with them half the time anyway. She offered her son a smile and gave him permission to go out with Dana, and gave Kami permission to go play at the neighbors'.

Then she and Bryce planned the funeral of their much loved daughter. Gina arrived at six thirty, sporting a black eye that was ill hidden by heavy makeup. She started to cry when Steph asked what had happened. It took some coaxing, and several cups of hot chocolate, but the girl eventually told them that her aunt had been abusing her for years, and it had only gotten worse when she'd found that her lover was more interested in her niece than he was in her.

She had accused Gina of seducing her boyfriend and had called her a slut and given her a black eye when she'd walked in on what was really her man's attempt to molest her niece.

Bryce got quiet. Too quiet. Steph was a little alarmed when he stood and reached for his car keys.

"Where are you going babe?"

"For a drive. I'll pick up pizza."

He gave her a tight smile, then bent to whisper in her ear. "I'll take care of this."

She was a little wary of how he planned to take care of it, but she squeezed his hand and let him go. She distracted herself and Gina by making cookies, and they were hard at work when Bryce returned home with Kami in tow.

He was smiling brightly and holding a huge stack of pizzas. She raised an eyebrow.

"Are we feeding the whole neighborhood?"

"Nope. Just us and the two lovebirds. Mmm cookies."

She gave him a "we need to talk" look, but he ignored her and asked Kami to set the table. Zane and Dana returned shortly after and they had a nice family dinner, though their family was now missing a significant piece.

Once the kids were settled in front of a movie in the living room, Steph looked again to her husband. "Well, are you gonna tell me how you took care of it?"

He grinned. "I kicked the shit out of him of course." She started to protest so he added "I'm kidding babe, though I would have liked to have kicked his sorry ass. I gave them what they wanted, what that worthless woman always wanted. Money. She signed guardianship over to us. Effective immediately."

"I love you. Thank you."

"I love you too. Jilly loved Gina, and she's such a good kid, she just needs a chance in her life, to know that someone cares about her."

"Yeah."

Gina was overjoyed when they told her the news, and moved into their home happily, though she chose not to sleep in Jilly's room.

The day of Jilly's funeral dawned and the world was draped in such dreariness that Steph found it easy to imagine how her daughter had missed the beauty in the world.

It was both a good day and a bad day. Half the kids that went to the local high school with Jilly and Zane were in attendance. It brought even more tears to her eyes to know that her daughter had always been more well-loved than she had thought. Some kids from her class had even put together a touching memorial.

Steph cleared her throat as she looked out at the crowd in the church. She had chosen to speak last, because she wanted her daughter's words to resonate. The back door of the church opened and she had to stop herself from making a face of disgust as she looked at her daughter's biological father, who appeared intoxicated.

She turned back to the man she thought of as Jilly's real father. Bryce gave her a reassuring smile, and she smiled back, then took a deep breath and let it out.

"When my daughter took her own life, I asked myself why. She didn't seem unhappy, and it seems crazy that not one person knew how she really felt. But we didn't. I don't want people to remember my daughter as just another sad teenager that committed suicide. I want Jilly's death to matter. And that's why I'm up here. I've never been that great with words, so I'd like to share with you something my daughter wrote shortly before her death."

Tears stung her eyes and she had to read the words silently to herself before she could read them out loud.

"I know that we live in a beautiful world and that most people are good, but I don't know how to go on anymore. Why would I even want to live in a world where people starve to death and freeze to death on the streets for no reason? A world where people will never look at me and see anything other than a fat girl, no matter what I accomplished. There's so much wrong in this world that I can no longer see the right. I guess I was just too sensitive to take all the crap in this world. I hope there's still a better place for me."

Steph looked out over the audience. Many were visibly crying.

"I didn't share those words for anyone specifically, nor am I trying to blame my daughter's death on anyone. I shared her words so that maybe one of you might think before you say an unkind word next time. There is indeed more than enough cruelty in this world to go around. My daughter chose to take her life because she could no longer see the beauty, but my life and the lives of so many others will be less beautiful without her."

She walked down the steps and straight into her husband's waiting embrace. The reception went well at first, several kids Steph had never met approached her and told her how much they had liked Jilly, and how kind she had always been, no matter what.

She had an eye opening conversation with her daughter's would be boyfriend, and found that she liked Trace very much. She walked away feeling she knew her daughter a little better than she had previously. Trace told her that he and Jilly had talked all night and that he could see that she felt so much more than other people seemed to.

She figured that if her daughter had chosen to live, she may have changed the world. But Jilly had changed Steph's world for the better and she was now determined to be a better person and to change the world for the better one piece at a time.

She stood face to face with Joel at the end of the reception. He had been hiding in the corner getting even more sloshed and she wanted to ask him why he had bothered showing up at all. But she bit her tongue and thought of Jilly.

She looked into Joel's eyes. Jilly had had her father's eyes, their startling green a constant reminder of him.

"What did you do to that girl?"

His words were slurred and Steph would bet her left leg that his eyes were not bloodshot from crying.

"Excuse me?"

"What did you and that husband of yours do to my daughter that made her want to take the coward's way out?"

"Suicide isn't an easy choice Joel. And Bryce and I did nothing other than love OUR daughter."

Joel snorted. "I'm the one you tricked into getting you pregnant."

"And Bryce is the one who helped me raise her. He taught her to read, swim, ride a bike, he was teaching her to drive. And he loved her. He was her father in all the ways that really matter."

"And you raised her right into a hole in the ground. Some mother you were."

Bryce appeared suddenly. He put a hand on Joel's shoulder. "Time to go buddy. You're upsetting my wife."

Joel looked up at Bryce. "Fuck you prick. Shoulda been one of your kids that killed themselves, not mine."

A dangerous look entered Bryce's eyes, and Steph moved between the two men. "Enough. We're asking you nicely to leave now Joel. Please. Do it for Jilly."

Joel snorted as he stood, but after one last dirty look at Bryce he headed for the door.

Bryce let out a sigh of relief. "Another crisis averted."

"What do you mean another crisis?"

"Snooty Mrs. Bryson from down the block took it upon herself to inform our daughter that Jilly is going to Hell."

"Are you serious?"

Bryce nodded. "She's lucky she's a woman. Had she been a man I would have punched her in the face. What kind of person tells a nine-year-old girl that her sister is going to Hell?"

"A bitter old woman who stopped seeing the beauty in the world long ago. I think it's time to go home babe."

Bryce nodded and took her hand, and together they rounded up the kids and then headed home.

Life without Jilly wasn't easy for any of them. In the first few months after her death, Steph caught every member of her family crying and she cried quite often herself. But Steph did her best to live her life in her daughter's honor, to prove that beauty still existed even in what seemed like the darkest corners, and to her great relief she found she was quite good at it. Jilly had been a gift taken too soon, and Steph made it her gift to her daughter to spread a little light in the world.

# Special Bonus story: Good Intentions

She was sixteen again. Hair badly dyed, combat boots on her feet, sitting alone on the lawn of her high school reading a book during lunch period. She turned a page in the book, pausing to glance at her watch. Twenty-five minutes remained in her lunch hour so she went back to reading and was soon involved again in the tale of horror.

She jumped when a voice spoke in her ear and looked up into a pair of blue eyes that had starred in many of her teenage fantasies.

"Jack," she said, feeling a blush rise to her cheeks.

He dropped down beside her on the grass, tossing her a bright smile, dimples lighting up his face. "Hi Kort."

The ghost of a smile crossed the face of thirty-three year-old Kourtney Barnes's face in her sleep. Subconsciously she knew she was dreaming. Though she had known Jack since Kindergarten, he had certainly never taken the time to speak to her sixteen-year-old outcast self in high school.

"There's something I need to talk to you about Kort."

Jack's face sobered and Kourtney frowned, both the sixteen-year-old dream version and the grown woman who lay in bed beside her husband.

"What's up Jack?"

Jack reached out his hand, crew cut blonde hair catching the rays of the sun. "Come for a ride with me. Please."

Kourtney looked at her watch, seeing that the warning bell was scheduled to ring in a few minutes, signaling the end of lunch hour. "Jack we can't leave now. We'll be late for class."

Jack smiled. "Kort, we both know that this isn't real. We aren't sixteen anymore. No one will care if we're late for a class that doesn't exist."

He reached out his hand again. Kourtney took it. She felt a tingle and a voice in the back of her mind spoke up, reminding her that she was happily married and had no business dreaming about Jack Stocks, someone she hadn't seen since graduation.

Kourtney shook her head at herself.

Jack gave her an amused smile. "C'mon beautiful. Dreams don't count as being unfaithful. I'm sure Toby wouldn't mind anyway. He's perfectly aware of how lucky he is to have found you."

Kourtney blinked as they reached the candy apple red mustang Jack had driven in high school. "How do you know Toby?"

Jack unlocked the doors and held the passenger side door for her.

"Don't worry about all that Kort. I'll explain what I can, but we're running out of time. Eventually your alarm is going to go off and you're going to wake up and go back to your normal life."

Kourtney looked at Jack as he pulled out of the parking lot. "I don't understand."

"It's a lot to explain, so I'm going to stick to the important parts."

"Okay. I guess. This is all a little strange. I haven't thought about you in years."

Jack offered her an amused grin as he pulled into a parking spot at the local park in the town where they had grown up.

"You didn't think about me after you met Toby. You wondered during your first marriage though."

A blush once again rose to Kourtney's cheeks. "You were the best looking guy in school. I knew I was never pretty enough for you to notice me."

Jack shook his head. "I noticed you. You were oblivious to your beauty and I was too concerned about what everyone else thought for us to be together. It doesn't matter now Kort. I'm not here to live out some teenage fantasy of yours or even mine. I'm here to present you with a choice. We all reach crossroads in our lives and you've reached one of yours."

"What do you mean?"

Jack took her hand. "I know things haven't been easy for you Kourtney. I know that sometimes it's hard to understand why things happen the way they do."

Kourtney swallowed hard. Life was good for thirty-three-year old Kourtney who owned a thriving flower shop and was married to a man who had brought her more happiness than she had begun to think existed. She had a bright fourteen-year-old stepson she adored, and luckily Shane adored her right back.

But adulthood hadn't always been smooth for Kourtney. She had married for the first time at eighteen and had a fourteen-year-old child of her own. Brianna Rose lived with her father and his third wife and detested her mother almost as much as Shane adored her.

A twist of fate and a crooked family court judge had granted Carmine Trenton full custody of Brianna when the child was six after a nasty custody battle and the involvement of child protective services.

Kourtney hadn't seen her daughter in eight years. The tear filled sky blue eyes of her child still haunted her.

"There was no logical reason for Carmine to be given custody of Brianna. Now my child hates me and probably always will."

Jack sighed. "Kort, I can't tell you that your daughter will forgive you or understand why what happened did. All I can offer you is the choice I was sent here to offer."

"What choice? What crossroads? I don't understand. Besides not having a relationship with my daughter, my life for the past three years has been the best it has been in years." Kourtney narrowed her eyes at Jack. "Don't tell me that my life with Toby is going to end or that it's not real. I deserve to be happy."

"Toby is your soul mate. He was always the one you were meant to be with."

"So what's the problem then?"

Kourtney heard the irritation creep into her voice. She stirred in her sleep, unconsciously beginning the journey into wakefulness.

The dream version of Kourtney caught a glimpse of herself in the side mirror of the car. The Kourtney of the present blurred into the dream version. For a moment the reflection looked almost ghostly. Then the dream Kourtney blinked and she realized that Jack was speaking again.

"The choice of meeting Toby at age sixteen. An alternate chance so to speak. Did your husband ever tell you that when his parents made the decision to move when he was sixteen, they flipped a coin to decide their new residence? Heads Rockford, tails Powell. Did he ever tell you that he wonders what life would have been like if you two had met at sixteen instead of thirty?"

Kourtney shook her head slowly. "Why are you lying if this is only a dream? It's not funny."

Jack smiled sadly, and Kourtney glimpsed the thirty-three-year-old version of a man she hadn't seen since she was eighteen.

"It's true Kourtney. If the coin would have been heads instead of tails, you would have met Toby his first day of school and been in love approximately fifteen seconds later. The two of you would have married days after graduation, attended college together, started a successful business at twenty-four and had twins at twenty-seven. In the present day, you would be even happier than you are now."

Kourtney bit her lip. "Because I wouldn't have had the pain of losing my daughter and dealing with Carmine's bullshit. But Bri and Shane wouldn't exist."

Jack nodded slowly. "That is what makes your choice harder Kourtney. I can't tell you that your daughter will be a part of your life in the future. She's got decisions of her own to make if you decide to remain in the present that you know now. And your stepson, things haven't always been easy for him either, but he is content now."

"How am I supposed to make that kind of decision? Why have I been given this choice? Are you some kind of angel?"

"You make the decision like you make any other difficult decision. You've been given this choice because of another sort of twist of fate Kort. I'm not exactly an angel as you think of them, as Jack Stocks exists in the present just like you do. Let's just say that I am the Jack from another path and came to you because it made it easier for you to accept. I can't tell you that one path is right or wrong. It's another chance, an exploration so to speak. But I can tell you that this is the only chance you will be given. If you choose to make this change, life as you know it will cease to exist."

"But I have so many questions."

Jack glanced at his watch. "Time is running out Kourtney."

"Will I remember my old life if I make this choice?"

Jack sighed. "At times there may be memories that pop up or a sense of déjà vu. But the memories won't be complete and since Brianna and Shane will no longer exist, you won't remember them as you do now."

Kourtney closed her eyes briefly. "How long do I have to make this choice?"

"I will return to you one week from today."

"Okay. But what if I have questions? Doesn't Toby have a right to help me make this choice?"

"Toby will never know of Shane's existence if you choose the alternate path. As hard as it may be for you to understand, the what ifs that play out in his head are part of what brought this choice to you."

"But. . ."

"No buts Kourtney. You will awaken in three minutes. The choice must be yours alone."

Kourtney sighed. "Okay."

"Be well Kourtney."

Kourtney opened her mouth to speak, but both Jack and the mustang had vanished.

The blaring of her alarm awoke Kourtney from her sleep. She sat up, pushed the button to end the annoying noise and shook her head in an attempt to clear the strange dream from her head, though it was hard since she remembered it more clearly than she had ever remembered a dream before.

Her husband turned over and grinned at her. "Good morning beautiful."

Kourtney leaned over to accept Toby's kiss. "I had the strangest dream."

"Was it dirty?"

Kourtney rolled her eyes and then looked into her husband's blue eyes, searching them. The flecks of golden brown and green stood out more than usual as he slipped his glasses on. She suddenly wondered just how much she should tell him.

She didn't believe that the choice her high school crush had given her in the land of dreams was real, or that the flip of a coin had decided the fate of her and Toby's lives. But she had seen enough in her thirty-three years to know that reality was sometimes a strange and magical mix of coincidence and what was too blaringly obvious to be coincidence.

She wanted to question Toby about his move at sixteen as she knew that part at least was true. She wondered why he had never mentioned the chance of moving to Rockford if it had existed, but her head was swimming with so many questions she couldn't think straight.

She paused before she spoke. "I dreamed about a guy I knew in high school. I haven't thought about him in years."

Toby raised an eyebrow. "Do I need to worry about competition?"

Kourtney shook her head. "No, you silly man. I love you and I love Shane. If Bri was here, or even if I could just see her, life would be perfect or as perfect as it can get."

Toby squeezed her hand. "Babe Bri will come around eventually. I know it hurts. I spent way too much time not being a real part of Shane's life, so I know firsthand how it feels. But you are her mother and she will know the truth someday."

Kourtney sighed. "I know. There are just so many what ifs that play out in my head."

"We all have what ifs Kort. It's human nature."

Kourtney searched Toby's handsome face, wondering if he would bring up his own what ifs or the ones that Jack had mentioned at least. But he merely dropped a kiss onto her forehead and then got out of bed.

"Are you going to make sure the kid is awake or am I?"

"I'll do it," Kourtney said.

Toby grinned. "He seems to take it better from you than me anyway."

"You tend to be a little harder on him than I am, especially in the mornings."

"My wife is a big softie." Toby smiled at her, letting her know he was only teasing.

"Ha ha."

Toby winked and then headed for the bathroom. Kourtney headed to Shane's room. Her dream was forgotten as she started her usual morning routines.

The dream didn't return to the front of her mind until her lunch break at the flower shop. Kourtney sat down with a sigh of relief and took a sip of her flavored water.

She was alone in the shop as her only employees were part time. Brian, whom she was working with that Wednesday, was out making deliveries. She checked her phone for messages and then took a moment to review her social networks since Brianna had grudgingly accepted her invitation to connect.

She was clicking through her daughter's updates when her phone rang.

"Hello."

"Kourtney?"

The voice was familiar, but the caller ID read 'unknown caller'.

"Yes."

"This is Brianna. Your daughter."

Kourtney's breath caught in her throat and her dream once again played through her mind. She spoke to Bri a few times a year, usually on birthdays and holidays, but the sound of her daughter's voice was always somewhat of a shock since she seemed to Kourtney to be growing up even faster in her mother's absence.

"Hi Bri."

"I'm calling you because Dad is getting another divorce. He's engaged to this woman he's only met in person twice and we're moving."

Kourtney swallowed hard. "Why didn't your father tell me?"

"I don't know Mom. We're moving on Monday."

"Monday? Bri please tell your father to call me. There has to be a way to work this out. Toby and I have plenty of room at the house."

Brianna snorted. "Give it up Mom. The court thinks you were a crappy mother and Dad won't ever tell them the truth because he likes the child support checks too much. Besides, I don't want to live with a smelly stepbrother and that dork that you married anyway. At least Dad had the sense not to marry anyone with kids."

The anger in her daughter's voice was nothing new. Even though Brianna was old enough to understand at least partly why she couldn't see her mother, she seemed to Kourtney to take it out much more on her than she did on Carmine. Kourtney wondered how many lies Carmine had told their daughter over the years.

"Brianna, I don't know what to say to you to make it better."

"That's nothing new Kourtney. You never have. You couldn't make it better when I was six and you can't make it better now with all the stupid gifts in the world. Most of my friends are lucky enough that they only have one crappy parent, but I got stuck with two. A father who cares more about the money that he collects than his daughter and a mother who gave up on me because some stupid case worker got everything backwards and a judge who shouldn't be judging a pie eating contest said you couldn't see me anymore. And on top of that, you seemed to give up on me even more after you married Toby. Why would I want to live with you when you've replaced me with your husband's stupid son? Don't bother trying to love me anymore Mom. Save your bullshit love for your stepson. You probably wish he was yours instead of me anyway."

"Brianna."

"Stop. I have to go. Talk to Dad if you want, but it won't do any good."

The call was abruptly ended. Kourtney felt tears sting her eyes. The part of her that was used to not being in her daughter's life leapt up and reminded her of its presence. A sob rose in her throat. She swallowed it back, angrily brushing the tears away that had fallen down her cheeks.

The parts of her that rejected the sometimes mind numbing pain of not being in her daughter's life spoke up in her head, wondering if the pain she and Brianna had experienced in the past eight years was worth it. At times like this, Kourtney wondered if life wouldn't have been better if Brianna had never been born.

Kourtney closed her eyes for a moment, her dream of Jack going off like a bright bulb in her mind. Thoughts of not having had her daughter usually brought immense guilt and a pain that almost rivaled the pain of not being a part of Brianna's life. The guilt and pain were still there, but a thought nagged at the back of her mind now that told her that maybe without the knowledge of Brianna's existence she would be better off.

Guilt leapt up again as Kourtney thought that not only would she lose Brianna, but she would lose Shane as well if she made the choice to accept Jack's alternate version of reality. She shook her head at the ridiculousness of it all and garnered a strange look from a woman that had just entered the flower shop.

The rest of the day was busy and the strange dream returned to the back of Kourtney's mind. When closing time came around, she closed the shop, did a little straightening and then locked up and drove home. When she walked in the house, she was greeted by the angry voices of her husband and stepson.

Kourtney took a deep breath and let it out before she joined them in the kitchen.

"Dad, you're being ridiculous." Shane noticed her then. "Kort, tell my dad he's being absolutely ridiculous."

Kourtney turned to Toby with a smile, hoping to lighten the tense mood in the kitchen. "Dad, you're being absolutely ridiculous. What's going on?"

Toby sighed. "Shane, you know better than to put Kourtney in the middle of this."

"But you never listen to me Dad. Sometimes I think Kourtney cares more about me than you do. At least she's always been there for me since she's been a part of my life. That's more than you can say."

Shane turned and walked out of the kitchen.

"Shane."

Toby started to go after his son, but Kourtney put a gentle hand on his arm.

"Babe, I'm not trying to put myself in the middle of this, but will you please tell me what's going on?"

"I'm not being ridiculous. I know the trouble I got into at that age."

Kourtney hid a sigh. "Just tell me what's going on Toby. Please."

"His friends are going on a road trip to a concert and he wants to go."

"Since Shane only has a few friends that are old enough to drive you must be talking about the Thompson twins, kids you don't like anyway. They're not that bad Toby. They both get good grades in school. I always see their names on the honor roll in the paper."

"So what?" Toby ran a hand through his hair. "He doesn't need to go. I don't even want him hanging around those two, let alone going on a trip that will have him gone all day."

"Maybe you can come up with some sort of compromise. Where are they going?"

"There's an all day concert next weekend in Bretherton. If I was ridiculous enough to let him go, he wouldn't get home until one o'clock in the morning."

"What if we drove up and spent the weekend? Then Shane could go to the concert with his friends and you wouldn't have to worry about him coming home so late. We haven't had a weekend away in a while. Let's do it babe. You know Shane is a good kid and gets into a lot less trouble than a lot of kids his age."

Toby gave Kourtney a smile, though it was more than a little weak. "Why are you always so reasonable?"

Kourtney laughed. "Because my parents never were, and I always told myself that I would do my best to be reasonable when it came to my kids." She squeezed Toby's hand. "I know it's hard babe. They grow up so fast. It seems like Bri is growing up even faster because I can't be there to see it." She sighed. "She called me today. Said that Carmine is moving them so that he can be with some woman he met on the internet."

"Oh babe, I'm so sorry. Have you talked to Carmine?"

"Brianna said it's not worth talking to him. I'm afraid she's probably right. She accused me of wishing that Shane were my child instead of her."

"Sometimes I wish you were Shane's Mom too babe. Call Carmine. It will make you feel better."

Kourtney snorted. "Talking to Carmine hasn't made me feel better for a long time, but I guess you're probably right. I can't give up without trying."

Toby squeezed her hand. "I'll go try to patch things up with Shane. He'll be happy to hear that his favorite stepmother came up with a solution that will make everyone happy like usual."

"I feel like I spoil him sometimes, but it's so hard not to."

Toby winked at her. "It won't be so hard not to spoil him in a couple years when he's asking for a car."

Kourtney laughed. "I'm sure it won't be. Go talk to Shane. I'll try to call Carmine."

Toby gave her a quick kiss. "I love you Kourtney. I thank God every day that I met you."

"I love you too."

As Kourtney watched her husband walk out of the kitchen, she again wondered about her dream. Things would have been drastically different in their lives if they had met when they were sixteen. But even if the choice Jack had given her in her crazy dream were to be real, would she make the choice to give up her life the way it was now, to give up not only her beloved daughter but her beloved stepson as well?

Kourtney shook her head at herself as she dug her phone out of her purse. It did no good to think about such crazy things, she thought as she hit the button to dial Carmine's number.

He answered on the third ring, a slight slur in his "Hello."

The fact that he was obviously intoxicated bothered her. Carmine had a problem with alcohol and had had an on again off again problem with drugs as well. But she couldn't let herself blow up at him now for being drunk she thought. She had to try to deal with him as calmly and rationally as possible. Though with Carmine that never seemed to be easy.

"Carmine, can you please explain to me what this is about you moving?"

Carmine chuckled. "She always did run to Mommy when Daddy made her mad didn't she?"

Kourtney bit back a sharp retort. "Please tell me what's going on Carmine."

"I've had it with my wife and decided to find another one. You don't need to worry about Brianna. There's a real good school where we're goin'."

"I'll always worry about Bri. It's what parents do. Will you please consider leaving her with me at least until you get settled?"

"You know that the court order says I have full custody Kort. I couldn't leave her with you even if I wanted to."

"Don't you think it's time we go back to court Carmine? It's been eight years. If it's about the money, I'll pay you alimony. I don't care. I just want to see my daughter, to be a real part of her life."

"I don't give a fuck about your money or all the fancy things that you're always sending her. She throws half of what you give her away anyway. So why don't you just stop bothering? Brianna doesn't need you anymore."

Kourtney fought an urge to smash her phone into a thousand pieces, just to shut out the sound of Carmine's voice. "She's fourteen Carmine. She's old enough to decide who she wants to live with. If you won't be reasonable, I'll call a lawyer in the morning and have you back in court before you have a chance to leave."

Carmine snorted. "If you could have taken me back to court, you would have done it a long time ago. Or maybe Brianna's right. Maybe you would rather pretend that your douche bag husband's kid is yours instead of your own daughter. Have a nice life Kourtney. I hope it was nice having a daughter while it lasted."

And her ex-husband hung up on her. Kourtney took a deep breath and let it out. Shane came back into the kitchen, beaming, and gave her a hug.

"Thank you so much Kourtney. I have the best stepmother in the world."

Kourtney forced a smile to her face for her stepson. "You're welcome Shane. Where's your dad?"

"Upstairs in his office. He's trying to plan something special for you for next weekend. It was supposed to be a surprise. Don't tell him I told you."

Kourtney laughed. "I won't. Does spaghetti sound okay for dinner?"

"Sure. I'm gonna go tell Dwayne that you convinced Dad to let me go. Thanks again Kourtney."

"You're welcome Shane."

As Shane disappeared from the kitchen, Kourtney wondered what the hell she was going to do about Carmine and Brianna. She had talked to several lawyers after Carmine had been given custody of Bri, but they had told her that there was nothing that could be done about the custody order.

She didn't want to drag them all back into court, especially knowing that if Brianna was given the choice of who she lived with at this point that she might choose her father anyway. But there was no way that Kourtney was just going to lay down and let Carmine take Bri completely away from her without a fight.

Kourtney tried to shut it out of her mind as she cooked dinner, but it dwelled in the back of her head. She felt distracted and depressed. She knew that she couldn't let the depression overwhelm her again though. She'd been in a very dark place after losing custody of Brianna, and had thought about suicide. She'd gotten past the depression for the most part, but had sometimes felt as if she hadn't been really happy again until she had met Toby.

She spent the evening watching movies with her two favorite boys, but she felt as if her laughter and smiles were forced for the rest of the evening. When Shane went upstairs to finish his homework, Toby took Kourtney's hand and led her up to their bedroom.

He shut the door behind them, looked at her and said "So I'm guessing that your discussion with Carmine didn't go well."

"No. He's being completely unreasonable." A smile crossed her face as she thought of Shane's earlier comment about his father being unreasonable, but it quickly faded. "I don't know what to do Toby. I can't let him take her away from me even more than he already has."

Toby took her into his arms. She remembered all the times he had held her when she'd cried, when missing her daughter was more than she could take. She couldn't imagine how she was going to handle Brianna being so far away.

After a few silent minutes, Toby pulled back, gave her a quick kiss and then said "Try talking to a lawyer again. Maybe there's something that can be done now."

"I guess it's worth a try. I think I'll try anything at this point."

"It's gonna be okay baby. It might not be easy, but it's gonna be okay."

Kourtney returned Toby's smile, though she was sure hers looked less than genuine. "I love you."

"I love you too. Always and forever."

Kourtney didn't sleep well that night. She tossed and turned half the night, feeling like she didn't get a wink's worth of sleep by the time her alarm went off the next morning. Toby took one look at her and told her that he'd get Shane up and make a pot of coffee.

Kourtney sighed as she got out of bed, wondering if there was any way she'd be able to find a lawyer and get Carmine back into court before Monday.

Her time before she left for the flower shop was spent leaving messages for several lawyers, half of which she was sure she probably wouldn't even receive a phone call back from by the time Carmine left town. She felt almost as helpless as she had when Carmine had been granted custody in the first place and she didn't like it one bit.

She received a call from one lawyer on her lunch break, but he didn't have any good news to tell her. His consultation told her nothing that she hadn't already been told before, that if the custody order was permanent, there was little to nothing that could be done about it.

Kourtney wanted to smash her phone into a thousand pieces even more than she had the night before. She had a brief fantasy of stealing away with her daughter into the night, but she knew that the idea of kidnapping her own child was almost as ridiculous as the idea that her dream of the choice that Jack had given her could be real in any shape or form.

She was completely discouraged by the time she closed the shop that night. Toby offered to cook dinner and she let him, though he wasn't the best cook except when it came to barbequing.

They spent a quiet evening watching TV, while Kourtney's mind raced. The days were passing quickly and any sense of hope she had felt of keeping her daughter close began to fade as Thursday became Friday.

She had one promising call from a lawyer on Friday, but he advised her that even an emergency hearing would take time in the overwhelmed family court. She made an appointment to meet with him on Monday, but it felt almost pointless and Kourtney had to fight herself to keep her spirits up over the weekend.

On Monday, she met with the lawyer, a high priced family court attorney named Bryce Tilmand. He promised to have her in court as soon as possible, and Kourtney tried to feel hopeful, but she wasn't sure setting a court date would do any good when Carmine was leaving town with Brianna that day.

Her phone rang almost as soon as she entered the flower shop. She gave Brian an apologetic smile as she turned to answer it.

"Hello."

"Just wanted to let you know that we're leaving town now. I guess I'll see you around Kourtney."

"Brianna, I'm trying to get a court date set."

"It doesn't matter now. Dad won't show up. I have to go. Dad doesn't know that I'm on the phone. I love you and I really wish that things could have happened a lot differently than they did. But they didn't and we've gotta live with it. I'll try to call you sometime, but Dad thinks that it would be easier if I didn't talk to you anymore. He thinks you're going to freak out and have a meltdown like you almost did before."

Kourtney hid a sigh. She had sometimes felt as if she were close to a breakdown, but she knew that what Brianna was referring to was their last time in court before the custody order had been put into place. She had been very upset and her lawyer had had to ask for a recess to calm her down. She wasn't happy that Carmine seemed to be forever reminding Brianna of her mother's imperfections when he was far from perfect himself, but she knew that the last thing she needed to do right now was to start a fight with Brianna.

"I love you Brianna, and I'm not going to give up."

Brianna sighed. "It feels like you gave up a long time ago, but if pretending makes you happy Mom, then go for it. I have to go."

Her phone went dead in her hand as her daughter hung up. Kourtney blinked back the tears that had risen and shoved her phone into her purse. Her dream rose to mind again as she replaced Brian behind the counter, and he checked his delivery schedule. This was one of those times when the pain was so great that if the choice Jack had given her was real, she would have chosen not to have Brianna.

It only got worse during her lunch break when she saw her daughter's latest social network update. Tears stung Kourtney's eyes as she read the words a second time.

'Another new stepmother and this one didn't like me before she met me. And I'm stuck in a crappy town. Why can't I be a real orphan instead of a virtual one? I think I'd be better off. Hate my life.'

To another, Brianna's words might sound like typical teenage drama, but to Kourtney, they pointed out how miserable her daughter really was and how she truly felt about both her parents.

The rest of the day was uneventful, but Kourtney couldn't get her daughter's words out of her head. She felt terrible and hoped against hope that her next appearance in family court might finally make a difference.

She sleepwalked through most of her day and came home to the worst argument she had ever seen between her husband and stepson that ended with Shane announcing the decision to go live with his mother.

So it was no wonder Kourtney couldn't sleep when she lay down in bed that night. Her mind raced with the uncomfortable thought that she may lose Shane too, since his mother lived halfway across the country and wasn't charitable when it came to Toby either. The fact that Jack was supposed to return to her dreams that night had completely slipped her mind by the time she fell into an uneasy sleep at 12:15.

When he entered her dreams this time, she was wearing the dress her mother had bought her for graduation though she had thought it was ugly even then. Jack was in the dark slacks and shirt that had made his eyes stand out even more on their graduation day.

He smiled. "It's good to see you again."

She had no idea what to say to him. Her mind was so conflicted and though she knew that the choice he had asked her to make couldn't possibly be real, she felt that her decision was in some way important, regardless.

"Have you made your decision?"

She sighed. "Why does it have to hurt so much sometimes just to love someone?"

He offered her another smile, but she could see that there was a trace of sadness behind it. "Love doesn't hurt. It's all of the stuff we mix up with it that hurts. We don't always make good decisions Kort, and we don't realize how they can affect other people until they do."

As she thought of her own past decisions and all the pain they had caused though she had never had anything but the best intentions where her daughter was concerned, her decision was made.

"I love Brianna, but all this misery. . . My own I can stand, it's hers I can't."

"Is that your decision Kourtney?"

She nodded. "I choose. . ."

And she was pulled from sleep by the voice of her husband.

"Babe. Babe. Kort, Carmine is on the phone."

She sat up and rubbed her eyes. "Huh? Carmine?"

Her interrupted dream came to mind as Toby handed over her cell phone.

"Hello."

"Kort sorry if I woke you, but we need to talk."

"Do we?"

He sighed. "Do you always have to be a bitch? I'm trying to give you what you want."

"What are you talking about Carmine?"

He cleared his throat. "Look, I hate to be like this. You know I love Bri, but I gotta live my life too. She wants to live with you. She won't say it, but I know. A teenage girl should be with her mama when she can anyway ya know? So you come get her this weekend, let me know when court is and I'm sure she'll tell 'em she'd rather be with you. Sound good?"

She had been stunned into silence.

"You there Kort?"

"Yes. Are you serious Carmine?"

"Yeah. My old lady don't want a kid around and it's about time you had her anyway. I already told the kid."

"Okay."

"She's happy. Misses her friends. I'll text you the address and see you Saturday?"

"Sure."

"Bye."

As she hung up her phone a smile broke out. It had just really hit her. After eight years her baby was coming home. It also hit her that she had been seconds away from giving her daughter up in a dream, but she banished the thought from her head.

Toby was thrilled when she told him the news. Shane was happy for her until he realized his weekend was spoiled by the newly added task of picking up his stepsister, until Kourtney came up with the compromise of Toby dropping Shane at the concert and her going to pick up Bri. Depending on her daughter's mood, they would either join Toby and Shane or get Bri settled in her new room.

Time seemed to speed up and slow down for Kourtney at the same time. She got excited about decorating Bri's room until she realized she should probably let her daughter choose her own decor.

She had a hard time sleeping Friday night and drank entirely too much coffee before she got on the road. Bri was silent when she picked her up and shrugged when she asked if she would rather go home or to the concert. Kourtney held back a sigh as she drove them to the concert, but Bri perked up when she found one of her friends was in attendance as well.

Things weren't always easy, but having Bri in her life was worth it for Kourtney. She never knew if her dream had been anything more than the strange conjuring of a mind that was having a hard time dealing with the pain, but Kourtney knew that the choice she'd been about to make had been the wrong one all along and was grateful that she hadn't gotten the chance to say the words that could have erased Bri and Shane from their lives.

# Special Bonus story: Into the Light

She awoke to darkness and a feeling of uneasiness. Charlotte blinked in the dark and sat up, realizing she had no idea where she was.

She cleared her throat, memories flooding her mind of a car accident and pain like she'd never felt before. She gently stretched her limbs, but felt no pain.

She wondered if she was in the hospital, but the silence was too complete and the darkness that surrounded her would have been out of place in a medical facility.

"Hello," she said. Her throat was dry and she longed for a drink of water.

She waited for her eyes to adjust to the darkness and took in the room. It was large but held only a bed, a night stand and a chair at the foot of the bed, which somehow seemed to absorb the darkness.

Charlotte closed her eyes briefly, fighting the panic that was starting to rise. She took a deep breath and let it out, opening her eyes slowly and finally noticing the pitcher of water and glass sitting on the night stand.

She poured a glass and drank greedily, the dryness of her throat slowly easing.

"So you've finally taken in upon yourself to awaken from your slumber. I was beginning to think you were a lost case."

Charlotte almost dropped the glass. The voice came from the direction of the chair, where the darkness seemed deeper than the rest of the room.

Thoughts flashed through her mind in an excited jumble, none making much sense. She was in an insane asylum, she had been kidnapped, she was imagining things, had to be dreaming. Then another kind of realization dawned on her. If she was alone in this strange place besides the voice that belonged to a face she couldn't see, where was Jordan-her four-year-old daughter?

"Where am I and where is my daughter?"

Charlotte heard the flick of a lighter. The glow of a cigarette showed from the direction of the chair, but the smoker was still in shadow.

"You're asking the wrong questions Charlotte."

"What do you mean I'm asking the wrong questions? Where is my daughter? She's only four."

Tears flooded her eyes and panic threatened to overtake her. Hadn't she been through enough already was her thought.

"You know where Jordan is Charlotte. Calm down and think back to your last clear memories. Would you like a cigarette?"

A pale hand reached out in the darkness, holding a familiar gold and white cigarette pack and a lighter. The brand she had smoked before she'd quit after learning she was pregnant with Jordan.

"I quit."

"Five years ago. I know. One won't hurt. Might clear your mind a little."

Charlotte sighed. "I don't want a cigarette. I want my daughter. Who's watching over her? She doesn't like strangers. She's not with her father is she? He can't see her. He doesn't have any custody rights."

"Jordan is fine Charlotte. I promise you she will be fine without you until you're ready to leave."

"What? Where am I? Don't they bother to pay the electricity bill here?"

A gentle laugh and the cigarettes and lighter were tossed onto the bed. "Have a cigarette and we'll talk."

"I don't want a damned cigarette."

"As you wish. Let's talk Charlotte. How do you feel?"

"Fine. Irritated that I'm being kept away from my child and held somewhere in the dark and forced to take up my prior bad habits, but other than that-fine."

"What's the last thing you remember before you woke up?"

Charlotte absentmindedly reached for the cigarette pack. She was uneasy again. Everything felt off and it was for more than the obvious reasons. The voice in the darkness was familiar somehow.

"Who are you?"

"In time Charlotte. Close your eyes and tell me your last memory."

"Am I in the loony bin? Did Kayden somehow manage to get me committed?"

"Charlotte, everything will be clear in time. Please just slow down and tell me your last memory before you woke up."

"Am I locked in here with you? Why can't I see you? Who the hell are you?"

"You will know when you are ready."

"No, that's not how this is going to work. Tell me where I am and where my daughter is or I'll scream."

"No one would hear you."

"I've been kidnapped by some crazy serial killer who smokes the same brand of cigarettes I used to and somehow knows when I quit smoking. Wonderful. Like my life hasn't been hard enough."

"I know it hasn't been easy Charlotte, but you need to calm down. You're making this harder on yourself."

Charlotte lit a cigarette just for something to do and coughed out the first drag.

"Why don't you just kill me and get it over with?"

"Charlotte, your last memory. It's important."

"Why? I want my daughter dammit."

"You won't get to her by refusing to remember Charlotte."

"You don't make any sense. Besides, my last memory is probably of you kidnapping me. Kayden planned this didn't he? He probably caused the car accident, kidnapped Jordy and paid you to kill me."

"What do you remember about the accident?"

"Nothing."

"Think harder Charlotte. Let yourself remember."

"I . . ." She put the cigarette out in the ashtray. Memories flooded her mind again, but they were jumbled. The loud sound of a crash, then pain, then nothingness. "I don't remember."

"You do Charlotte. I know it's not easy, but you need to remember."

"Why wouldn't it be easy? I was. . ." Charlotte bit her lip. "I had to have been taking Jordy to school. Yeah. At least that's what I think I was doing when we crashed. Is Jordan okay? She wasn't hurt in the crash was she? Why can't I remember?"

"You can. You don't want to. You don't think you can handle the memories, but you are much stronger than you realize."

"Of course I'm strong. I've made it through an abusive marriage, a run in with child protective services, two months at a homeless shelter and all kinds of other bullshit in my twenty-seven years."

"Think harder Charlotte. Open your mind."

"What is this? Sensory deprivation or something? Why is it so damned dark in here?"

"Your eyes aren't ready to see what's in front of you."

"Bullshit. If you know so much, why don't you just tell me what happened and why I'm here?"

"That's not how it works Charlotte. Besides, I can't tell you what you already know."

Charlotte snorted. "Now that makes sense. Can I talk to your supervisor?"

The voice laughed, though it held little humor. "Supervisor of what?"

Charlotte sighed. "So you are keeping me here against my will."

"No. You are the only thing that's keeping you here."

"Bullshit."

Charlotte got to her feet and crossed the room slowly and carefully to the door. She turned the knob, but it wouldn't open.

"It's locked." Charlotte turned back towards the chair and the naggingly familiar voice. "I've had enough of this. Take me to my daughter."

"Only you can bring yourself back to Jordan. If you were ready, the door would open."

Charlotte let out a sigh full of frustration and crossed to the bed again. "You're talking in circles. I'm in a mental hospital aren't I? What happened after the accident?"

"It's as easy as letting yourself remember Charlotte, or as hard as you choose to make it."

Charlotte lit a cigarette and tossed the pack back to the mystery woman in the chair, not caring if she hit the woman. She wanted to hit the woman. Anger that had been contained for what seemed like forever threatened to boil over.

The pale hand shot out of the darkness and the cigarettes disappeared back into it.

"Charlotte what do you think happened after the accident?"

"I don't know. I was driving Jordy to school. Then there was a crash and a lot of pain. That's all I remember until I woke up here in the dark with a mysterious stranger for company who talks in riddles and won't give me a straight answer."

"You already have all the answers you need."

"I obviously don't, or I wouldn't be asking you for them."

"Do you remember how your grandmother helped you to remember things Charlotte?"

Her nana Julie had been her favorite person when she was young and had helped her learn to count and read and many other things. She had passed the same tips and tricks on to Jordy.

"Yes."

"Then remember Charlotte."

Charlotte closed her eyes and tried to let the frustration flow out of her as she let her breath out. As the panic at her current situation tried to break in, she pushed it aside and forced herself to think only of her daughter.

Brown ringlets to her shoulders, eyes that changed from golden brown to green, to a pale blue. Her mother's delicate frame and her father's stubbornness and fiery temper. Jordan was what had pulled Charlotte through the darkest times of her life. An ache rose to see her daughter so great that she couldn't breathe for a moment.

As the panic slowly faded again, Charlotte remembered. Making breakfast, fighting with Jordy to get her to finish her milk. The drizzle as they headed to the car. Heading back inside to get Jordy's rain slicker. The rain coming down harder as they neared the preschool. A car coming out of nowhere and the crash. Then nothingness again.

"We crashed. A car came out of nowhere and I couldn't stop. There was another car right behind me and they slammed into the back of the car. I remember the sound of the crash, the pain and then nothing. Is Jordan okay?"

"Think Charlotte. You know what happened to Jordan."

"No, I don't."

The flick of the lighter came again and a cigarette flared in the darkness. "You're making this difficult Charlotte." The woman sighed. "Maybe it would be easier if we started with something else. Tell me about Jordan."

"I am in a mental hospital aren't I?"

"No. Tell me about your daughter please. Start with how you met Kayden."

"I'm not going to waste time with your in the dark therapy. Let me out of here."

"You tried the door yourself. I can't let you out. Only you can."

"Someday I'll probably look back on this and laugh. I'll tell you what, you let me speak to my daughter and I'll tell you whatever you want."

"Jordan can't speak with you right now."

"Fine. We'll sit here in the dark and smoke cigarettes and not talk then. Sound good to you?"

"As you wish Charlotte."

Charlotte wanted to scream in frustration. She wanted to bang her head against the wall or push the woman out of the chair and use it to break the door down, or at least to try to break the door down. Instead, she sat back on the bed, put her head in her hands, and cried.

She cried for so long that when she was finally finished she felt completely drained. She ignored the woman who hadn't made a sound since her crying had started, rolled over on the bed, pulled the covers around her and went to sleep.

When she awoke, Charlotte realized that she had no idea what time it was or what day it was. The darkness was disorienting and Charlotte wondered just how long she had been locked in the room. Tears sprung to her eyes and she fought them back.

She sat still and listened, hoping she had been left alone, that she could find some way to free herself and get back to her daughter where she belonged. But the tip of a cigarette showed in the darkness. Charlotte hid a sigh.

"What's your name?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Are you ready to talk now Charlotte? We have all the time in the world, but the sooner you open the door, the sooner you can get back to Jordan."

Charlotte crossed the room and tried the door once again. It wouldn't budge. She pounded her fists on the door.

"Open the door. Somebody help me. Jordan, Jordan, Mommy's here and is doing everything she can to get to you."

Charlotte pounded on the door until her arms tired and then screamed some more.

The woman said nothing. When Charlotte was convinced no one was going to help her, she crossed back to the bed, glaring in the direction of the chair.

The cigarettes, lighter and ashtray appeared again on the bed. Charlotte smiled slowly. She lit a cigarette and then threw the ashtray as hard as she could towards where she figured the woman's head should be.

But the pale hand shot out of the darkness, caught the ashtray and placed it back on the bed.

"Charlotte, I'm not your enemy. I'm not here to hurt you. I can help you if you'll let me."

"Sure. We can talk and talk and then when you've finally tired of the sound of my voice you'll let me out. No. I don't care if you have no friends, or couldn't afford to go to school and get that degree in therapy you always wanted so you decided to kidnap me from the scene of my car accident and have someone to practice on. I have a child. A small child who doesn't have anyone else."

"Charlotte how did you meet Kayden?"

Charlotte sighed. "My ex-husband is the last thing I want to discuss right now."

"Since you still seem to be having a hard time comprehending your current situation, let's say that you are in a place you will not be leaving until you face what you need to face."

"Nice and vague. I do believe that I've faced my share of demons already. Most of them just happened to come in human form. The dream crushing Kayden Jones and the soul stealing Mrs. Katricia Bradford topping the list. Excuse me-that would be Ms. Katricia Bradford because God forbid a child stealing social worker actually be married and have children of her own."

"Jordan was in the state's custody for only a short time. Is that not correct Charlotte?"

"Two nights. The worst two nights of my life. Wait. Who the hell are you? Tell me right now or I won't say another word until you do."

Silence. Charlotte's emotions were threatening to overpower her again and the darkness wasn't helping.

"You seem to know all about me. Why is it so damned hard to just tell me your name?"

"You can call me Farrah if you wish. How did you meet the father of your child?"

The name Farrah nagged at Charlotte's mind for a moment. She had known a girl named Farrah once, but she somehow couldn't reconcile the name with the voice, though she hadn't seen the girl who would now be a grown woman in years.

"I'm sure you know all about how I met Kayden since you seem to know everything else. Do I really have to go through this? I need to see my daughter or at least know she's safe."

"Jordan is safe Charlotte. Quite content in her present company actually."

"So you've seen her? Please, please just let me see my baby. Even for only a moment."

"You're not ready for that."

Charlotte let out the sigh that had been building up for several minutes. "Listen Farrah, I have no idea who the hell you are, so I don't know if you have children, but you are always ready to see your children. On your worst day one smile or hearing that little voice call you Mom will make it all go away, make the world right again. Now show me that my daughter is okay."

The woman lit a cigarette. The room was silent and still for a moment, then an image appeared in the haze of cigarette smoke.

In front of Charlotte's astonished eyes, Jordan appeared. Her little girl was beaming, looking up at someone Charlotte couldn't see. Tears filled her eyes as the image disappeared almost as suddenly as it had appeared.

"Wait. No. Please, I can't stand this. I've fought so hard to give Jordan a good life. Please just let me go and give me my daughter back."

The woman's voice was gentle. "If I could let you go Charlotte, I would. Please believe me."

Charlotte angrily wiped her eyes and lit a cigarette. The realization came to her that the cigarette had no odor, and also that her thirst had disappeared. She wasn't hungry and had no need to use the bathroom either.

"Where the hell am I? How did you do that? Show me Jordan in a cloud of cigarette smoke? None of this can be real. I have to be dreaming."

"This is no dream Charlotte. What you see now is just your mind's way of coping. We could as easily be in your home or anywhere in the world really."

"If I play along with your insane games will you take me to my daughter?"

Charlotte set aside her other questions and doubts for the moment. Jordan was her priority and had been since she'd learned she was carrying the child.

"If you choose to view this as an insane game Charlotte, then your answer in a form is yes."

"That's not really an answer, but it's the closest you've given me to one so far. Why do you want to know about Kayden? I might as well have had a child with some random sperm donor. I would have been better off."

"As hard as it can be to comprehend, things do happen for a reason."

Charlotte snorted. "God doesn't make mistakes and we're too human to understand his will as fucked up as it seems sometimes. It's bullshit. Contradictory. Freedom of choice, but watch out for the devil because he's looking over your shoulder, helping you to make the wrong choices. If I believed in the devil, I would believe he led me to Kayden. But I don't. I believe your average person is good deep down, but can be led astray by their own humanness. We don't need the devil. We've already figured out greed and selfishness and not giving a shit ourselves."

"So you believe that there is no God either? No heaven, no hell?"

"What does it matter? No one really knows the truth. Life could be a game, or a dream, or we could all be a thought in someone's head. We're so willing to believe in the devil as the cause of all the bullshit, but we can't find God anymore because we don't see the beauty in all the bullshit."

"It sounds as if you believe the world needs God but doesn't know where to look sometimes."

"Whatever. Religion isn't something I want to discuss at the moment. Let's talk so I can get the hell out of here and back to Jordan where I belong."

"So tell me how you met Kayden."

"It wasn't an earth shattering moment. I met him at a party, something my friends dragged me to when I would much rather have stayed home. They were convinced I desperately needed a man in my life."

"But you didn't feel that way?"

"At that time I was more interested in my fantasies of having a boyfriend than I was in actually having a boyfriend. I was still disillusioned then though."

"How is that?"

"Come on Farrah. We all know that the thought of marriage scares the shit out of people these days more than it excites them. The divorce rate is terrible and the family court system further destroys the illusion of a forever happy family. I had romantic notions of being swept off my feet by my soul mate then, but it didn't happen like that. I thought it did at first, but I was young and stupid."

"But things were good with Kayden at first?"

"Sure. He was a few years older than me, but it was okay. He was good looking and charming, seemed like good boyfriend material."

"When did your opinions change?"

"A lot of different times. I knew it all along really-everyone did-but I was stubborn until it was almost too late. I could have lost custody of Jordan permanently because of that son-of-a-bitch. And I mean that literally because my ex mother-in-law is a total bitch."

"You were married after being together a relatively short time were you not?"

"Four months. I was pregnant and it seemed like the right thing to do."

"Did you love him?"

Charlotte laughed. "Of course I loved him, but it was a different kind of love. I was always so drawn to him. Even after all the bullshit, it was hard to walk away."

"Different kind of love than what Charlotte?"

"Than real love I guess. What difference does it make now?"

"Have you experienced real love?"

"Of course. Jordan is my whole world."

"The love for a child is different. I'm talking about the love between a man and a woman."

"I'm guessing you know about him too. I don't want to talk about him."

"Who is he Charlotte? I would like to go back to your marriage in a bit, but first tell me about this man."

"No. It hurts too much."

Tears stung her eyes again as the carefully buried memories sprung up. His face flashed through her mind and she closed her eyes tightly, banishing the green of his eyes.

The lighter flicked again and a cigarette flared in the darkness, the tip briefly brightening the room enough to show Charlotte a pair of silvery blue eyes. Strangely familiar eyes.

She racked her brain, trying to remember if Farrah had had blue eyes. But clear memories of the girl she had known when she was twelve alluded her.

"I don't want to talk about Scott. He's gone."

"Why is he gone Charlotte? What happened to Scott?"

"We are not discussing this." Charlotte took a deep breath and then let it out. "You wanted to know about my marriage. So I was pregnant, we were married by a justice of the peace that obviously detested her job. Kayden and his friends spent our wedding night getting drunk and it was somehow my fault that we didn't have sex."

"You sound angry."

Charlotte let out a harsh laugh. "Thoughts of Kayden don't exactly make me feel warm and fuzzy inside."

"But they once did."

"I guess. But then he cheated on me and he abused me. I was lost for so long, even with Jordan."

"How were you lost?"

"I forgot myself when I was with Kayden or stopped trying to figure out who I was or wanted to be. I was a wife and mother and that was it. It would have been okay if Kayden would have been a better husband, if we had been enough for him."

"Have you forgiven Kayden? Have you forgiven yourself for who you were or weren't when you were with him?"

"I'm not sure he deserves my forgiveness. And as for forgiving myself, why would I need to do that?"

"You seem to have problems with not only Kayden during your marriage, but yourself as well. It takes two to make a marriage work and two to make it fail."

"No. It only takes one person's lying and cheating to ruin a marriage."

"Even if that is true, you have to make peace with your own actions during your marriage."

"Peace with what? His actions caused me to hate him, to treat him the way I did before we split up."

"Do you hate the father of your child?"

Charlotte sighed and reached for a cigarette. "I don't exactly hate him anymore. But he ruined our lives, or could have."

"Were your lives ruined after the divorce?"

"Before. Well, not exactly. It could have been worse I suppose, though moving from a house to a shelter and dealing with child protective services and family court wasn't exactly a picnic."

"But you made it through and Jordan never realized the situation you were in."

Charlotte let a half smile touch her face, no longer having the energy to care how the woman knew so much about her life.

"It was okay as long as she knew she was safe and loved and she always knew that. We moved around and had to start over too many times, but all that mattered to her was that we were together."

"Jordan is blessed to have you as a mother."

"Thanks."

"You're quite welcome. Do you feel as if you have made peace with yourself Charlotte?"

"I don't know. I never really thought of myself as a bad person, as someone who would need to do that."

"Everyone has done things or experienced things in their lives that they need to make peace with before moving on."

"I have moved on. Kayden has no custody rights to Jordan and he pays child support when he's in the mood."

"There are different ways to move on."

"Uh huh. I realize that I wasn't a perfect wife, but the majority of the problems in my marriage stemmed from Kayden not keeping his dick in his pants, being irresponsible and smacking me around."

"But the freedom of choice that you mentioned earlier Charlotte, did you not have that very choice many times over the years? To no longer accept Kayden's actions as okay?"

"They weren't okay. That's not the point. It's not as simple as it seems to the people sitting on their high horses, looking down their noses when they probably have worse skeletons in their own closets."

"What skeletons are in your closet Charlotte?"

"Do you want me to cry? The poor battered woman who is so ashamed of what she put up with for two years that she might as well give up? I had a child to take care of and I couldn't lay down and cry. I had to move on, and I did."

"Do you consider yourself as having dealt with your emotions successfully?"

Charlotte snorted. "I can still look at myself in the mirror. Besides, it's not me who was the bad guy. It was Kayden."

"So you did no wrong then?"

"Give me a break. Of course I did. I stayed when he cheated. I stayed when he moved us around on a whim and when he hit me. I stayed until I couldn't take it anymore. And then it was almost too late. CPS had already been called on us when I left him. They took custody of Jordy because I was a victim of domestic violence and she was exposed. Failure to protect. It's a damned good thing I worked my ass off in the two days until I went to court and made sure I had everything in place to get my daughter back. Counseling, parenting classes, meetings for victims of domestic violence, housing lined up. I switched day cares, filed for divorce and a restraining order. When they released Jordy, I splurged and we had fast food for dinner and rented a motel room for the night instead of going directly back to the shelter. It was like waking up from a bad dream. For a while at least."

"So you made the most of a bad situation."

"I did what any parent would. I couldn't let Jordy see me cry, even though most nights it took all I had not to cry myself to sleep."

"You are strong Charlotte."

"Uh huh. I tell myself that, then I think that a truly strong woman would have walked away the first time he hit me or when he moved us from one shithole to another while he was doing drugs, spending half his paycheck at the bar and screwing around the whole time."

"That must have been hard on you."

"Yeah. But it was harder on Jordy. She was so young, but we fought so much and I felt like sometimes that I held on to her too tightly. When she gets older I don't know how I'm going to deal with really letting go."

"Every parent has to let go. Sometimes it's a small thing like a first time with a babysitter or the first day of school. You never truly let go though."

"Do you have kids Farrah?"

"I have a daughter, but she passed away."

"I'm sorry to hear that. It must be terrible."

"It is. Charlotte. I'm sorry to bring this up again, but do you feel as if you've forgiven yourself for staying with Kayden?"

Charlotte sighed. "The support group I went to was halfway useful and half bullshit. It's hard enough being a woman that's been in an abusive relationship and admitting that you stuck around. I can't imagine how hard it must be as the person who committed the abuse, having to explain that to someone else."

"Do you sympathize with Kayden?"

"Ha. It always felt like he blamed me for the abuse and the cheating. We fought so much, but most of the time it was about everything besides what was really wrong."

"Relationships are hard."

"Yeah. But with a guy like Kayden there's always an excuse to act the way he does."

"Do you have contact with Kayden?"

"No. There's no point since he can't see Jordy. There's no restraining order anymore, but he still can't see her."

"I see. Were you angrier with Kayden for his actions during your marriage or with yourself for staying with him?"

"With him. Well maybe with myself sometimes. Had I lost Jordy, I wouldn't have been able to cope. You have to have been in that kind of situation to understand."

"What made you leave Kayden?"

"The nail in the coffin was when I came home that day and found him in bed with another woman. He wasn't apologetic. He was drunk and tried to hit me. I was glad Jordy slept through most of it. I grabbed our stuff and the money I'd saved and we went to the shelter. The social worker showed up a few days later."

"That must have been hard."

"Yes. The hardest time of my life. I was already dealing with so much, trying to keep it together for Jordy, and then she was taken away. I wanted to die, but I knew I had to be even stronger than ever before."

"Did you have support?"

"Not exactly. My family hates Kayden so much that they almost disowned me when I married him. I have friends, mostly old friends from school, but they live far away and couldn't really help."

"After your case was closed and you moved out of the shelter, did life get better for you and Jordan?"

"Mostly. Life was a lot more peaceful at home without Kayden, but Jordy missed her dad. The divorce was hard on all of us."

"You had to appear in family court then?"

"A bunch of times, even after CPS closed the case. It didn't seem like a complicated divorce because of the circumstances, but I guess divorce is never easy."

"I suppose not. When did you meet Scott?"

"I'm not talking about him."

"Charlotte, dealing with your pain is part of the healing process."

"Funny. If your daughter died I'm sure you've heard all the bullshit in the world about dealing with death."

"Have you dealt with Scott's death?"

"Of course I did. It's not like I had known him all my life. We were only together six months."

"How did Jordan feel about Scott?"

"She adored him."

"Were you in love with Scott?"

"I really don't want to discuss this. It has nothing to do with my marriage or my daughter. I didn't meet him until after my divorce was final."

"Where did you meet?"

"Uh uh. You aren't going to make me talk about this."

"Was losing Scott more painful than your divorce?"

"Stop. I said no more."

"The sooner we get through this, the sooner you can get back to Jordan."

"Sure. Don't know why I should trust you. I haven't seen your face and you know way too much personal stuff about my life."

"You will see my face when you're ready to accept it."

"Blah. Are you monstrous or something? I don't really care. Surface looks don't mean anything. You keeping me here against my will is way worse than whatever you look like."

"That may not be true at the moment Charlotte. Did you talk to anyone after Scott died?"

"No. Like I told you, I dealt with it like I dealt with everything else."

"So Scott meant little to you?"

"No. I never said that. How can you be more monstrous than keeping me here? Can't you turn a light on? This darkness is driving me crazy."

"In time Charlotte. How did you meet Scott?"

"I met him at work. I had taken a job in a coffee shop. He started coming in a few days after my divorce was final."

"Were you attracted to him?"

"It's hard to explain."

"Try Charlotte."

"Ugh. He came into the store when it was dead. I looked up and thought he was cute. No big deal. He smiled at me though, and I know this sounds dumb, but it was like my eyes suddenly saw him differently. I felt like cupid shot me in the ass with a love arrow. Damn that sounds ridiculous."

"So it was love at first sight?"

"I don't believe in that crap. It's all hormonal."

"Is that right?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. I felt things for Scott way too quickly. I should have known it was too good to be true."

The green of his eyes flashed through her mind again. She banished them like usual and reached for a cigarette.

"Are we done with this now?"

"Not quite. How did your relationship with Scott progress?"

"Like any relationship I guess. It was hard sometimes because of work and Jordy, but things were going great until the accident."

"Were you and Scott planning a life together?"

"How is this relevant? He's dead and it doesn't matter anymore."

"Was there anything else that happened around the time that Scott passed away?"

"No."

"You're lying Charlotte."

"Tell me the truth then."

"What about the baby Charlotte?"

"Who the hell are you?"

"This isn't about me. It's about getting you back to your daughter."

"Why do I have to go through this?"

Tears stung her eyes and Scott's gentle face came to mind. She closed her eyes and let herself feel it for a moment. She had loved Scott madly. The world had stood still when she was in his arms. When they made love, it had felt like a little piece of heaven on earth.

Losing him and then losing the baby she hadn't had a chance to tell him about had almost broken her. Jordan was the only thing that had kept her sane.

"Scott meant a great deal to you didn't he?"

"Yes dammit. I loved him so much I could hardly stand it sometimes. I used to think that God had given me him to make up for all the other bullshit. Then he was gone. It wasn't fair."

"Did you plan on marrying Scott?"

"We talked about it. Talked about getting a place together. My bed felt so empty without him. It still does."

"Did Scott know about the baby?"

"No. I didn't get a chance to tell him because I barely knew myself before he died. It felt like I had been given a chance at real happiness and it was taken away. Without Jordy, I might have taken my own life."

"How would you cope if you lost Jordan?"

"I don't want to think about it. Can we be done with this now? Please."

"For now. What happened after your accident?"

"I don't know. Please just take me to Jordan. I am done with this bullshit."

"Were you injured in the accident?"

"Yes. No. I thought so, but I feel fine."

"What happened to Jordan Charlotte?"

"I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

"Remember. It's as easy or as hard as you make it."

"But I can't. How many times do I have to tell you that?"

"I'm going to stress this once again. You are the only thing that is keeping you away from Jordan. Remember the accident, take as much time as you need to deal with what happened and then you can see Jordan again."

"What do you mean deal with what happened?"

"You know Charlotte."

"I don't. Please just tell me so we can be done with this ridiculous game you're playing."

"I can't tell you. You have to let yourself remember. I'll give you as much time as you need."

"No. Screw this. Let me the hell out of here."

The room suddenly brightened. A halo of light appeared in front of the chair. The image that was suddenly spotlighted stopped Charlotte in her tracks.

The woman in the chair was a mirror image of Charlotte. The voice, the silvery blue eyes that seemed so familiar, were her own.

"What the hell is going on here? Who are you?"

The light slowly faded and the room returned to darkness.

"Believe your eyes Charlotte. You tell me what you see, what you hear."

"You look like me. You sound like me. I am crazy aren't I?"

"No. You are simply having a hard time coping with what happened to you."

"It was only a car accident. Accidents happen every day and not everyone develops a split personality or whatever the hell it is that you are."

"I'm not in your imagination, not exactly. I am exactly what you see."

"That makes sense. Wait, no it doesn't. Duh. I can't be me and be talking to myself, well hallucinating and actually seeing me talk to myself. Damn, I did finally lose it. Just give me whatever medication you need to straighten my head out and let me out of here. Jordan needs me."

"Medication won't cure you Charlotte. You have to accept what happened."

"Are you me?"

Charlotte's head was filled with a jumble of confused thoughts even more than before. None of what was happening seemed possible. One thought was constant in her mind though. She had to get back to Jordan.

"Yes and no. It's hard to explain. Think of me as a guide of sorts."

"Wonderful. Now guide me to my daughter."

"You will be with Jordan when you're ready."

"I'm ready now."

"If you were neither of us would be here."

"This is getting really tiring. Can't you be straight with me? Is that too much to ask?"

"You have to be honest with yourself. Accept what happened to you and what happened to Jordan."

"I don't know what happened to Jordan." Tears threatened to spill over again. "I just want my baby back. Please."

"Charlotte, do you remember how I answered when you asked if I had children?"

"You said your daughter had passed away."

"Yes."

The silence stretched on until Charlotte didn't think she could stand it anymore.

"And?"

"Think Charlotte."

"You're me, but you're not me. Your daughter is dead. Mine isn't."

"Charlotte."

"Yes?"

"What happened to Jordan?"

Charlotte wanted to scream. "I don't know."

"You do."

"No."

The woman sighed. The light flashed briefly across her face again and then went out. Charlotte caught the pain in the silvery eyes.

"Jordan is dead Charlotte. She lost her life in the accident."

"No. You take me to her right now. I want to see my daughter."

"As you wish. You're not making this easy on either of us."

It played out like a scene on a TV screen. Light appeared and Charlotte saw Jordan. Her beautiful little girl was laughing. The makeshift screen widened, but what Charlotte saw was too much for her already stressed mind to handle. She blacked out.

When she came to again, the room brightened. The woman in the chair was studying her, puffing on a cigarette once again.

"I'm sorry Charlotte. You left me with no choice."

Charlotte silently accepted the offered cigarette. She lit it with a shaky hand, not meeting the other woman's eyes. What she had seen was too much, even if there was no way it could be real.

They sat in silence for several minutes, then the woman spoke up "Charlotte."

"What?"

"What you saw was real."

"None of this can be real."

"It's not real in the way you were taught to accept reality, no."

"So I lost my mind then huh? My daughter died and I'm talking to myself and seeing things that are supposed to comfort my broken brain."

"Not exactly. What do you remember about the accident?"

"This again. I told you."

"Go through it again. Step by step."

"We were in an accident. Hit head on and from behind. I guess I blacked out and blocked what happened to Jordan."

"So you accept Jordan's death?"

"I don't know. I don't remember losing her, but I can understand why my mind wouldn't want to deal with it."

"There are other reasons you don't remember Charlotte."

"Of course there are. Wait. You told me you would take me to Jordan. Why did you lie to me?"

"I didn't."

"You obviously did. If my daughter is dead and with my dead boyfriend and Nana Julie, how can you take me to her?"

The scene that had played out with Jordan laughing and happy with not only Nana Julie, but with Scott, had been what had been too much for Charlotte to take.

"Time doesn't exist in the same way here Charlotte, but we both know where you should be and it's not here."

"No kidding."

"So deal with it. Accept how the accident happened."

"Is going on without her not bad enough?"

"Look Charlotte, I've tried to be patient with you. But you're not only trapping yourself here, you're trapping me here with you until you accept the truth."

"What truth? It was raining and my tires slipped right when the other car went out of control."

"Is that how it happened?"

"Yes. I guess. That's what I remember. Or bits and pieces anyway."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes dammit."

The room darkened once again.

"Hey."

The woman remained silent, so a frustrated Charlotte stayed silent too. The room was dark and silent until it brightened once again with the same illusion of a TV screen where she had seen Jordan previously.

This time though, the scene that played out was different. It was like watching a movie of her own life.

Charlotte saw herself and Jordan in her old beat up car. The rain had really started coming down and the fact that the windshield wipers needed to be replaced didn't help with the visibility. They reached the stoplight three blocks from Jordan's preschool. As the accident played out, Charlotte sat back in stunned silence.

Though her memory of the accident was still cloudy, what she had seen was not how she remembered it. She saw herself try to make it through the light when it was turning red. The car behind her tried to make it as well. The crash happened when Charlotte hit a red car head on and the car behind her ran into the back of her car. She had been the cause of the accident.

Charlotte's mind slipped a little again and she went into a dreamlike state for an indeterminate period of time. When she came back to herself, she looked right into the silvery blue of her own eyes.

"Charlotte."

"What?"

"It was an accident. Bad weather, everyone in a hurry. It could have happened to anyone. It's not your fault."

Charlotte lit a cigarette. Her emotions were running on overdrive and she didn't know how to handle them.

"It was my fault."

"Look at me Charlotte."

Charlotte let her eyes drift back to the woman's face.

"For one second do you believe you would purposefully take your daughter's life?"

"Of course not."

"Then accept it. Accept that you made a mistake that unfortunately happened to end Jordan's life."

"It's not acceptable."

"How do I say this without making it worse?"

"Just say it. It doesn't matter now. I'm alone and always will be. I don't know what I did to deserve any of this, but I guess whatever it was, it was a doozy."

"Do you believe in God Charlotte? In heaven and hell?"

"You tell me. Since you are me."

"Please Charlotte."

"Why should I believe in God now? I dealt with a bullshit marriage, got my life together and then lost not only the love of my life but our baby only days after I found out I was pregnant. Now I killed Jordan. There is no God, no hope left."

"We all make choices in our lives and yours led you here. But what is keeping you here is you. Only you and your refusal to deal with not only Jordan's death, but the death of Scott and your child."

"Don't you get it? Nothing matters anymore."

"It does Charlotte."

"No. Without Jordan nothing matters."

The woman sighed. "Get some rest. We'll talk again when you wake up."

"I don't want to wake up."

"Charlotte."

"I'm not a child. Leave me alone."

She turned over on the bed and closed her eyes, shutting everything out.

When she awoke, Charlotte had no idea how much time had passed. The room was dimly lit, but she could feel the woman's eyes on her. She turned away and reached for a cigarette, wondering how she was going to make her way out of this living nightmare.

"I'm sorry Charlotte. The human mind is a remarkable thing. Sometimes when the pain is too much, we convince ourselves that certain things didn't happen."

"Yeah. So how am I really going to get out of here?"

"It's as simple as letting the door open."

"Great. So I'm going to be trapped here forever."

"Only if you wish to be. Let's talk more Charlotte."

Charlotte sighed, but she let the woman lead her back into conversation with gentle and sometimes not so gentle questioning.

It might have taken hours. It might have taken days or years for all Charlotte knew. She cried. She finally gave up and let it all out, saying things she'd thought would never be said.

When the conversation had died, both women sat back and lit a cigarette.

"Charlotte, I believe that you have taken the steps to free us. Try the door."

Charlotte crossed to the door, a feeling of expectation rising. But the door still wouldn't open. She cursed under her breath and returned to the bed.

"Why are we still here? I'm going to be stuck here forever aren't I? Punished for killing my own child."

"It was my understanding that once you had broken through and accepted what happened, we would be free."

"Who wrote those rules?"

"It's complicated."

"Of course it is. All of this is unreal already, so just tell me."

"When your soul was released from your body, you remained behind to watch your daughter take her dying breaths and to offer her what comfort you could. Jordan's soul moved on. It carried no real guilt or despair, so your daughter went where she belonged right away. This room and our "therapy" sessions are your creation. You passed minutes before Jordan did and stayed behind to watch over her as mothers do. But your guilt and unresolved feelings have trapped us both here until you have successfully dealt with them."

"Why should I believe that? How do I know that I'm even really dead?"

"Have you had an urge to use the bathroom or been hungry? When you believe you are sleeping, it's simply your mind shutting everything out."

Charlotte bit her lip. "Who are you really and why do you look like me? Am I in hell?"

"Hell doesn't exist in the way you think it does. Some souls are kept behind to deal with their unresolved earthly deeds. How long they exist in their own locked rooms depends only on them. Others like you trap themselves because they can't forgive themselves for actions they've taken while among the living. I am a soul that has been given your memories to assist you in the process of moving on. I look like you because you accept it. I could look like anyone or anything."

"So hell is kind of like prison."

"Not exactly. And you're not in hell Charlotte."

"Then why does it feel like it?"

"This is your creation. Let go and open the door. Move on. Some very important people are waiting for you."

Tears stung her eyes. She angrily wiped them away, feeling helpless and alone. She still doubted at least some of what the woman had said and had no idea how she was going to release herself from the predicament she was in.

Though the woman had said she wasn't really sleeping when she thought she was, Charlotte had had enough. She turned away and buried herself under the covers, closing her eyes.

When she opened her eyes again, the woman was gone. Her heart beat fast as she crossed to the door once again. It seemed to stick at first, but then the knob turned and the door opened with a gentle creak.

Charlotte looked out cautiously. Before her was a long hallway, lit up with a bright white light.

She took her first step into the hallway, wondering if she was doing the right thing. Then she shook her head at herself and thought, I'm finally free.

The hallway seemed never ending. When she had begun to wonder if she would ever reach the end, she saw a door up ahead.

She crossed quickly to the door. It was an ordinary looking door. Charlotte had no idea what was behind it, but she figured it had to be better than the emptiness of where she had been.

Charlotte opened the door and saw before her a meadow filled with flowers. Every color of the rainbow was represented. She didn't think she'd ever seen anything so beautiful until she looked into her daughter's eyes.

"Mommy." Jordan threw herself at Charlotte. "We've been waiting for you for so long."

The feeling of coming home had never been as strong as it was when Charlotte took Jordan into her arms.

"Oh baby, I missed you. I am so sorry baby girl."

"It's okay Mommy. Nana Julie and Scott have been taking real good care of me."

Charlotte accepted her grandmother's embrace.

"We were worried about you darling."

"I was worried about me for a while too."

Charlotte laughed and turned her attention to the man she loved, the man she'd thought she had lost forever. She felt almost shy as she let herself get lost in his eyes for a moment.

"Hello beautiful."

"Hi."

Scott kissed her and Charlotte knew that the darkness would not plague her again.

About the Author

Misty Reigenborn has been writing poetry, short stories and novel length work since she was nine years old. She is the author of sixteen titles: romance novels A Twist of Fate, Better Left Unsaid, Run to You, Girls of Gabe's Place 1: Brandy, Girls of Gabe's Place 2: Robyn, Girls of Gabe's Place 3: Ami, Crestview Academy: Tory, Crestview Academy: Molli, Crestview Academy: Mellenda, and Run From You, fantasy novel Mind Over Matter, short story collections Second Chance, This Song Reminds Me of You, and Love and Other Tales, poetry collection From the Heart, and nonfiction title A Broken System: Examining the Clark County Department of Family Services. She loves to connect readers and appreciates an honest review.

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