 
### Russell's Book of Secrets

### by

### Russell N. Wright

### &

### Terry J. Benton

Russell's Book Of Secrets

Published by Terry J. Benton at Smashwords

Copyright 2012 Terry J. Benton

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purrchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

**TABLE OF CONTENTS**

Russell's Letter To The Readers

Russell's Book Of Secrets

Charlene

The Father

Thomas

Derrick

Mercedes

Russell

About The Author
If you're reading this letter then you've probably read my story, Prelude To An Empire. If you haven't, then you should read it before you read this book, but I'll try my best not to spoil it for you.

I once owned a journal that I called my "Book of Secrets"... but it was taken from me. I have no idea where it is or if I'll ever see it again. I'm writing this letter to you in hopes that if you come across it in your journeys that you will return it to me. That book is very important to me because it contains details about the innermost workings of my mind and imagination. During some of the most difficult times of my life, I often picked up a pen and wrote... in that very book.

My "Book of Secrets" is not just special to me because of the secrets it contains but also because it connects me to my mother... Charlene Wright. I don't know if I'll ever be able to hear her say she loves me, hug her and have her hug me back, or even laugh with her again. She had her own journal that she gave to me during our very last conversation and it's missing as well. I will never know what other secrets were hidden in those pages – but it is probably not far from wherever my Book of Secrets lies hidden from me.

In the following pages, I've tried to recreate as much of my "Book of Secrets" as I can to aid in your search. If you happen upon anything that resembles the following context, you know where to find us.

Godspeed,

RNW

Russell's Book of Secrets

(Partially recreated by Russell N. Wright)

THIS IS DEDICATED TO MY LIGHT...

My light that is always by my side,

My light from which true feelings cannot hide,

My light forever inspires me,

My endless light that helps me see,

My light that ignites the passion inside of me,

My light that makes sure I am being all that I can be.

ONE OF A KIND LOVE

This love is special,

This love is different from any other,

This love knows no boundaries,

This love is not easily gained,

This love is easily maintained,

This love is fruitful,

This love is joyful,

This love brings smiles and laughter,

This love knows no vanity,

This love sees no colors,

This love is blind,

This love is the love of a friend.

GO BACK IN TIME

These are the moments that I live for,

The memories that I hold most dear,

Being with friends that love me,

Laughing, joking, just being young!

From crack-heads to chicken-heads,

From hoes to bros, we've seen it all!

Around the world and back again,

Nothing beats the price of a friend.

I'd give up everything to go back and do it again,

All the times that we've shared.

LETTER TO LOVE

To: True Love

I've been searching for you for a while now,

You keep eluding me somehow.

I've seen others that I have mistaken for you,

Those mistakes number twenty-two.

Others have found you; you've given them a break,

But alas, I know that it is your decision to make.

I'm afraid of how much power you have in my life,

So until I find you, I'll be getting things right.

I have so much to give.

But I guess it's not my time to live.

You keep torturing me, forcing me to wait.

So many nights you've kept me up late.

Don't forget about me,

I'll always be here... waiting.

Until we meet,

RNW

~~~

To: RNW

I am sorry that you hurt,

My intentions were not this,

I am not in hiding, I am with you always.

Though not in the form that you'd like me to be in,

We talk on the phone, you visit me,

Don't forget that, for it is most important.

That for which you seek has not yet fully grown,

I'm tending to it and nurturing it daily; I don't want to give it to you just yet.

I want the gift I have for you to be perfect.

Oh, and once it blossoms,

You will be glad you've been so patient.

For once I am by your side,

I will never leave.

Be patient, be honest, be loving.

True Love

LOVERS BALLAD

We have known one another for quite some time,

During the short time we've spent together,

I've wondered if your feelings were the same as mine,

I don't want to wonder forever.

I realized that you unknowingly had stolen my heart one night,

I think I've decided that I don't want it returned,

But I need to find out if I'm right.

I'm pretty sure that neither one of us wants to get burned.

Love is patient, love is kind, most of all, love takes time.

This is what I plan to do: take it slow,

Let love blossom and grow.

I've always wanted a love of this kind,

You've offered me the gift of reciprocity,

That which is most important, no one else could do.

So I want to get to know you so I can see,

If this special person I've been waiting for is you.

INCOMPLETE

Where and how do I begin,

In a story where I cannot win?

A story of love and happiness,

Turned dark by this madness,

We are from different worlds, you and I.

Each night I long to be by your side.

You're not from anywhere I've been,

Your beauty is not paralleled now or then.

Why do you hurt, why must you cry?

How do I heal all those wounds, dare I try?

You've been taken advantage of,

Someone has stolen your love.

Don't worry, don't shed another tear,

Because for you, I am always here.

That what you lost, I will find it again,

But I don't want to return it...

DREAMING OF YOU

Seeing you always brightens my day,

Your face glows like sunshine when you come my way.

I don't get sick from the butterflies your presence brings,

Because my love for you is manifested on each beautiful wing.

I look deep into your eyes and I see myself,

That's why I fell in love with you with no help.

Your breath on my neck is like a warm summer breeze.

Your slightest touch is felt by all of me.

A secret love hidden deep beneath the surface,

Some would say that falling in love with you has no purpose.

I'm too fast asleep to wake up again,

Because I think only in my dreams can I truly win.

I feel myself waking up and I want to cry out.

No one really knows what this love is all about.

But I open my eyes and when I can see,

There you are... looking back at me.

LOVE'S RAIN

Sitting in my room listening to the rain,

Beat so hard on my window pane.

I'm trying not to think about it,

All this pain I'm living with.

I gave you all I had and you never knew,

But somehow I got the feeling you felt the same too.

I had no way of knowing for sure,

We spent so much time together, but I still want more.

I'm so afraid to let you go,

For what the future holds, I do not know.

I have a feeling that once this time is done,

You'll come back to me and we'll be as one.

I collect my belongings,

Love, fear, and longing.

Standing outside your door,

I'm trembling down to my core.

Dripping wet as I stand here,

I needed to disguise my tears.

My heart skips a beat when I hear your footsteps.

Seeing you now is really no help.

I open my mouth to say the words,

But somehow I doubt that you even heard.

All choked up because I don't want to lose you,

All I can do is wonder if you feel the same way too.

When suddenly you embrace me,

And with eyes blurred from tears I can no longer see.

You take a step back to say goodbye,

But you stop and stare deep into my eyes.

After all this time you finally know,

Why it's so difficult for me to go.

A love that I have searched for forever,

Only to have our connection severed.

Then you grab me and pull me close,

This moment when I love you the most.

I just want to live in this moment as I close my eyes,

When your lips touch mine, I'm filled with surprise.

You whisper to me not to worry about anything,

And I can no longer hear the sound of the rain.

I don't even feel it gently roll down my face,

As I've gotten lost in your embrace.

And I can only think then,

Of the day when we'll be together again.

KEEPING IT REAL

I've been told to write about the joys of being loved,

But how do you express something you don't know of?

How can I depict the days spent with you?

How do I write a love story for two?

How can I articulate the touch of your lips?

How can I communicate the sensation of your kiss,

The warmth of your touch,

How we love each other so much,

When I'm the only one?

Alas, for the sweet spoils of a relationship, I have none.

Why should I pretend that I have something that I don't?

Perpetrate? Ha... I think I won't!

When I get it, I'll spit it!

Until then... just forget it!

shackled\LET GO

It's like running in slow motion,

Wincing at the pain of the notion,

The fact that we'll still be together,

For what seems like forever.

Once one chain is successfully unlocked,

Another is found and my exit is blocked.

I want to scream out loud, and tear these walls to shards,

But still bound and gagged, this seems so hard.

You laugh and you get a kick out of this,

You enjoy seeing me swing and miss.

I'm just biding my time in this world of mine.

Regardless of what you say or do, one of these days, I'll be free to shine.

FORBIDDEN LOVE

You know me, but you don't,

I love you, but I won't.

This love is something new,

I'm not sure if you love me too.

Lying in a bed of bitter irony,

Wondering why this fell on me.

Love led to depression,

I need someone to heal my obsession.

I wish we could share the love I have,

Maybe then I wouldn't be so sad.

A forbidden love, too risky to try.

But I need you with me so bad each night.

I've only known you for a short time,

But in this friendship, I've made you mine.

I want to yell out how much I need you,

I want to proclaim my love to you,

But when we're together,

Anxiety tortures me,

Fear consumes me,

Silence grips me...

Why me?

So I keep it locked away, soon I'll forget the key.

This is best, for this love that can never be.

THEN AND NOW

When your mind says, "no," but your heart says, "yes,"

Tell me how do you know what's best?

A love that's so special and true,

One I've only been able to find in you.

I've been hurt so many times in the past,

I wonder how much longer this pain will last.

Love gone wrong has gotten the best of me,

Now I'm subdued by Insecurity.

But this time is different than before,

But I can't take being hurt anymore.

Past experiences have pushed me to the edge,

I'm wavering in fear on this proverbial ledge.

I feel your presence so very near,

I need you to come take me away from here.

I've never felt this way about anyone before,

Love continually tortures, but I keep coming back for more.

I wish we could read minds,

You would have known all this time,

Instead of being hidden in these lines.

You own a very special place in my heart,

I cannot bear the days when we are apart.

I would do anything for you,

I would climb the highest mountain,

Even seek out that legendary fountain,

Because my love is all yours,

But more heartbreak I can simply not afford.

So afraid to put my heart on the line one more time,

Yet hoping for the day your love will be mine.

DESCENT

I'm so tired of crying,

Awaiting the day you'll be mine.

A friendship is what we share,

My love for you now resides there.

These feelings are foreign to me,

I know how they came to be,

But I'm not sure why they remain,

Confused when love for anyone else shares the same name.

You are so special in so many ways,

You embody what's missing in my life today.

Whenever we're together, I can't help but smile,

Because you fill me with joy all the while.

You are the most beautiful of your kind,

Beauty within body, spirit, and mind.

I find myself searching for any excuse,

Anything for a minute with you.

I tried to run away from you so many times,

But I always end up back in this rhyme.

This is not healthy what I feel,

My joy and happiness you can easily steal.

Since the day I realized these feelings,

I've been flying above the world's ceiling.

A dangerous ride I've come to know,

Flying on intangible wings of false hope.

Those great wings melted away with this sad epiphany,

I feel as if someone has ripped away a part of me.

Now on the ground is where I lie,

Staring at blurred stars in the sky,

Wondering what went wrong in my life.

How I deserved this, I wonder why.

Immobilized by pain, I will stay here,

And try not to drown in my tears.

I will never again experience sweet slumber,

Because when I close my eyes, I see your face and I remember.

So I will forever lie here all alone,

Praying for the day you'll come and take me home.

A love lost is so very sad,

But how do you lose what you've never had?

YOU AND YOU

How did I get myself into this mess?

Lost in a world of unhappiness,

Constantly panicking in my own distress.

Falling in love happens often,

I've rested my head twice in this coffin,

But no rest is here with the troubles of two men.

The sharp edges of this figure,

Has cut me twice and I'm still here.

I thought I was over this fear.

Insecurities and depression building with time,

True feelings entangled in this rhyme.

I wish I could make You mine.

Too shy to step out on faith,

But this is way too important to wait.

Our worlds crashing down is our fate.

Never held before in that certain way,

Oh how I wish You would hold me today!

I'm dreaming of the words You would say.

You are so beautiful and kind,

I long for the day You can be mine.

Until then, I just can't unwind.

I imagine the soft touch of your lips,

I feel the heat from your body,

The thought of Your kiss takes me there.

Will You release me from this misery?

WARNING!

Subject: THIS IS A WARNING!

I know it sounds strange, me writing a letter to you, but lately you haven't been yourself and I'm worried. I share so many few moments with you now, ever since you became acquainted with "that person." I'm here to warn you that everything is not what it seems. You've been living outside yourself, outside this world even. It's been so long since we've spoken. You're heading down the wrong path; you've been blinded, hoodwinked, and swindled by intangible forces beyond my control. Day and night you sit and dream, imagining how you would like things to be; but I'm here to warn you! BE CAREFUL!! Don't expect to find happiness in people, for they are just that... people. They will hurt you indefinitely and you may lose me forever. Wake up and live for today, but secure tomorrow. Build your own happiness based upon yourself, not others – for a foundation built upon others is not sound. Please, love us for us, be happy with who we are. Don't try to fill voids in your life with simple thoughts and fantasies you've entertained in your mind. Just be careful, and look out for your well-being. If this person is what you think they are, and is genuine, then the best of luck to you. If not, then God help us all.

\- Anonymous

Subject: Re: THIS IS A WARNING!

I wouldn't expect you to understand these new feelings that I have. I can assure you that they are most definitely real. How can something that feels so right be so wrong? My heart skips a beat, butterflies dance in my stomach, and I'm happy when I think of Them. But alas, you are right. I cannot place my happiness on the shoulders of others because no one is strong enough to bare that burden. I am overwhelmed by what I feel and I'm still learning how to deal. I have to do something before I lose Them forever and I never see You again. I stand here facing a dilemma – should I stand by the love I feel and possibly lose a friend, or do I keep this between us and plunge into the depths of despair, possibly losing myself? Time is running out, the time is now! God give me strength!

\- Russell

THIS RIVER

Like some extravagant dream I've been in,

Now I realize how dumb I've been,

When today I woke to the sound of your voice...

As if I even had a choice.

Love flows north and south or east and west,

It must flow both ways to be at its best.

My rivers flow only one way,

One side is dry, I've seen that today.

The door to my secret world, hidden from plain view;

Of its existence, I wish you knew.

The task at hand is too much for me,

Overwhelmed at what the outcome could be.

It's amazing how much you can love someone,

While they're unaware of how far you've come.

I've shed so many tears for you,

Love's pain has broken my heart in two.

I would give it all away to have you next to me,

To set my mind at ease with your reciprocity.

Doing battle with my enemies,

All to win your love for me.

On a ticking time bomb,

Rests this sweet love song.

Only one question remains,

Will I ever be the same?

When time runs out, will you be standing by my side,

Or will I lose you forever?

PRESCRIPTION

Sitting here in pain,

But this hurt goes beyond the medicine cabinet.

Tell me Doctor,

What pill do you prescribe,

When my heart aches,

When my head is confused?

What's your diagnosis,

When I look in the mirror,

Not recognizing the person staring blankly back at me?

An empty shell of my former self,

Lost on the way to find myself.

Feelings that should not be felt,

Among things that should not be done,

Living a secret life inside my head.

Tell me Doctor, what do I do now?

I wish I could make it all go away,

My love for Them,

Embedded deep in my soul.

How can something so right, be so wrong?

I'm going crazy,

Losing my mind waiting for the day,

The moment They allow me to feel Their warm reciprocity.

They're so close, yet so far,

I can touch Them, but I can't.

I don't know how I got here,

I wish They were here with me.

I'm all alone,

Lost in the woods of my mind and heart.

So tell me Doctor,

Can you prescribe me a way out?

WHO AM I?

I've lost you a million times,

On a quest to find you and make you mine.

On a search for my true self,

You've been slipping through my fingers with no help.

This weight on my back I can no longer bare,

Feels like mine plus everyone else's there.

Swallowed by my insecurities,

Because I had no one here to reassure me.

Now I sit in the belly of depression,

Consumed by sadness I dare not mention.

I wish I could just leave,

But these invisible shackles cover me.

This sad darkness is silent, yet loud,

The voices in my head have become a crowd.

This beautiful, funny, and intelligent individual,

This classy, talented, deeply profound individual,

Has been reduced to something ugly, dumb, shallow, and shy.

Even all the people that helped me get here don't know how or why.

So here I sit, in a thunderous silence,

Wondering where He went,

And will He come rescue me...

SO SORRY

Staring at the clock on the wall, I wish I could turn back the hands,

Of course you can try to move them anyway,

But you must still live with what you've done and move forward.

Why I've started this, I can't find the words to say.

I've needed this experience more than you'll ever know.

No longer looking in the mirror, now my reflection,

What I have done to you makes me feel so low.

You aren't the first to my recollection.

I told you that you offered me reciprocity,

But that's all I've been able to find.

That is most important, but I need more than equality,

I'm sorry to say, but I must move on and leave you behind.

I've taken much from this experience,

Ready, yet patient; preparing for love so that my days of waiting are well spent.

I'll know that I've made the right decision then.

INSIDE

Good, but not good enough.

Broken in some places, dirty in others.

I'm well aware of all the defects.

Too many times I didn't go the distance.

Being eaten alive from the inside-out,

Like termites tearing away at the questionable interior.

I have to stop them, before they see the light of day.

Eating away, wanting to escape.

Light spills inside and uncovers what's been hiding.

I have to renovate before this happens.

They only feed because I have provided the means,

But why is it so hard to provide the end?

With God on my side, I can fix my house,

So it's beautiful and clean inside, as well as out.

LETTING GO

Hello Father,

It's been a while since I spoke to you last,

The last time I saw you, you really showed your ass.

I let it go, I've moved on,

And so much has happened since you've been gone.

I made the honor roll in school the other day,

I learned from watching you, what more can I say?

Basketball tryouts were on last Tuesday night,

I remembered everything you taught me while you were nowhere in sight.

Another dream of mine shot down in cold blood,

Another helpless victim left to pick up the pieces as best he could.

I went to college while you were out,

During graduation you should have heard mom shout!!

Proud of everything her child has become,

Going out into the world to really be someone.

Rising from the ashes like the great Phoenix to the sky,

I spread my great wings and fly!

You've chosen your path and I've chosen mine.

I've wondered when I should let go, I think that now is the time.

I'm better off without you,

So with this letter, I bid you adieu.

DYING OF THE DAY

I'm so tired and I just need to rest,

Working too hard to live my life and do what's best.

Should I close my eyes and concede?

Or should I continue to look for me?

This constant struggle to establish my individuality,

Is sometimes exaggerated by my passion and sensuality.

The rising and setting of the sun each day,

Images of my children as they dance and play,

Would all be missed if I should close my eyes.

So instead I choose to rise,

Because I will not let the light die another day,

While I continue to remain this way.

DON'T GIVE UP ON LOVE

Love will make you do crazy things,

Make you see what you've never seen,

In people you think you've known,

But for now my sadness has been postponed.

I love you more than anyone from my present or past,

Unsure of so much because my feelings grew so fast.

I spent so many lovely nights crying over you,

Wondering why it was so hard for me to wake up and get a clue.

I felt all alone in this love affair,

Because I didn't think that you cared.

But the sound of your voice reminds me why I fell in love with you.

So maybe until I see you again, I won't be so blue,

And I won't feel bad that you're the only one that I'm thinking of,

And I'm so glad that I didn't give up on love.

REDEMPTION

I feel like my old self again,

I came so close to letting Them win.

It seems as if I loved You more than life itself.

During this period my sanity was quite unkempt.

Emotions overpowered me,

I was completely overcome by grief,

Mourning the loss of a love not yet born.

When I awakened, my world was torn.

If you knew, you would think I was a stoic,

I completely devoted myself to you and you didn't know it.

Don't get me wrong, I love you no less,

Except for me now, I'm doing what's best.

I placed my happiness in your hands time and time again,

Because you had no idea, you threw me to the wind.

My love for you will never ever change,

But because of this situation, I will never be the same.

PREMONITION

Inside my house by the fire,

Where I've been able to provide all material desires,

I sit and rock back and forth in my chair,

To a tedious, methodic, and logical tune hanging in the air.

I stop for a second, amazed at what I see,

There's someone outside my window staring back at me.

I can't move for a second and my heart skips a beat,

As I scramble to put shoes on my warm feet.

When I've prepared myself to go out and investigate,

I realize that I can't leave because I've already sealed my fate.

I head back to the window to take another glance,

To see exactly what was waiting by chance.

My heart begins to rush as I stumble back to the door,

For what is outside cannot wait a second more!!

I'm trapped and I cannot get out,

I bang on the door and I scream and shout.

I've been here so long that I've slowly forgotten,

This bitter-sweet fate that I had chosen when,

I first came here so long ago,

Now I'm haunted by what I see out there in the snow.

I head back to the window to look once again,

And what I saw would have chilled grown men.

The world outside was dark and dead,

The complete opposite of what I had created in my head.

A sea of white slowly merges into a seamless ocean of black.

I look out into the great vastness, but only one thing stares back.

A small child sitting there in the middle of it all,

All alone, cold and shivering, folds himself into a little ball.

* * *

I'm all alone and it's so very cold,

I wish I had someone here to hold.

In the distance I can see a large house,

So big, that I feel as small and insignificant as a mouse.

I'm beginning to lose the feeling in my fingers and toes,

I don't even feel the frozen tears on my nose.

So ill-prepared for the storm at hand,

From birth to now, all alone in this great land.

I've been fighting this cold chill for some time now,

I long for someone to hold me and brush the ice away from my wrinkled brow.

I look back towards that great big house to see,

A man in the window looking back at me.

I feel a connection to him somehow,

But it's much too late for that now.

I relax my limbs to announce that I'm done.

I close my eyes for the final time tonight,

I'm all alone and can no longer fight.

It was so foolish of me to think of winning,

A battle that was doomed since the beginning.

* * *

I bang on the window as rage begins to rain,

I need to free this child from all his suffering and pain.

But I cannot reach him from inside this shell,

My self-imposed heavenly-hell.

Overwhelmed by sadness, I begin to cry,

As I see this young boy go limp and die.

I needed to help him more than I'll ever know.

Maybe with a little love I could've helped him grow.

But he'll never get that chance, his light has gone out,

And now I will never know what his situation was all about.

I am unprepared for what I see next,

My heart nearly jumps out of my chest.

I grip the windowsill as I fall to my knees,

Then suddenly, I begin to take heed.

As I crawl over and pull myself back into my chair,

And try to recollect myself there,

I rock back and forth about a million times,

Wondering how and why the face on that child was mine.

END

"Good luck and Godspeed..."

\- RNW

Following is a collection of six short stories which explore a small window into the lives of six main characters from Prelude To An Empire before the events of the book took place.

Charlene

"Charlene!" The yelling of her name from across the house startled Charlene.

"Coming!" Charlene answered her mother's call. She brushed her long wavy hair back behind her ears and took one last look at herself in the mirror. Charlene wished she had a way to get rid of the dark circles underneath her eyes. She was only eighteen-years-old but lately she felt like she was in her late thirties.

"Charlene! What is takin' you so long?"

"Sorry! I'm coming!" she shouted back as she dropped the hair brush on the dresser and shuffled out of her room and down the hall. She found her mother standing at the counter with one hand on her hip in the kitchen of their old house.

"Well it's a good thing I ain't in danger and need help!"

"I'm sorry, mama," Charlene said as she hung her head.

Charlene could see the disappointment in her mother's eyes as her mother handed her a large mixing spoon. "I need you to finish making breakfast for your brother and your daddy. The grits are on the stove and fatback is in the frigidare."

"Yes ma'am," Charlene said as she stirred the pot of grits and the white grains popped and bubbled.

"I have to go to work early this morning. Mrs. McKinsey needs me there to clean for this party she's supposed to be havin' tonight."

"Okay," Charlene muttered. This was her life. She spent the majority of her days cooking and cleaning while her parents worked. She turned to look out the window above the kitchen sink and saw a car speeding down the street with the windows down, kicking up dust as it traveled. She yearned to be free but was afraid that she'd never be able to escape her obligatory prison.

"Charlene, do you hear me talking to you, girl?" her mother asked with her head cocked to the side and with an expression of frustration.

"I'm sorry, what was that, mama?" asked Charlene while she placed the top back on the boiling pot of grits.

"I said that after everyone eats breakfast, I need you to wash and fold all the clothes, make sure your brother cleans his room and give the whole house a good dusting."

"Yes ma'am."

"I may be home from work late too so I took the neck-bones out of the icebox so you can start dinner for me. There's some snap peas on the table but you need to shell them. I'll try and call ya'll when I get a break today." Charlene's mother dried her hands on a dish towel and turned to exit the kitchen.

"Wait. Mama, can I talk to you about something, please?"

"Yes, baby?"

"I have to make a decision soon about that school. I really want to go."

"That school up north in Virginia?" asked her mother.

"Yes ma'am," said Charlene.

"Chile you know we can't afford to send you to college much less one way up in Virginia!"

"But mama, I got a scholarship! As long as I keep my grades up then I will have all the money I need and whatever I don't have, I can get a job to make up for!"

Charlene's mother stared at her as if she were seriously contemplating the idea of letting Charlene move away to college. They'd had this conversation several times before and her mother had made it abundantly clear that Charlene wasn't leaving this house – at least no time soon.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" asked Charlene.

"Because I said so! Me and your daddy need you here to help us with your brother and the house while we work and that's that! We took good care of you over the years and we just asking you for a little help until we can get our finances back in order. It won't always be like this and one day we won't have to work so hard, but right now we have to do the best we can! Now I'm done talking about it."

"Yes ma'am." Charlene's vision became blurry as the tears welled in her eyes. She turned her back to hide her weakness.

Charlene's mother walked to the doorway of the kitchen and stopped when she heard Charlene sniffle. She turned just in time to see Charlene wipe her face on her shirt sleeve. She opened her mouth to say something but decided against it and disappeared from the room.

* * *

"You are such a hoe, Mattie!" Charlene giggled as she cradled the phone receiver between her ear and shoulder. She was painting her nails and chatting with her best friend while dinner simmered on low in the kitchen and she waited on her parents to return home from work. All the dirty clothes were washed, folded, and put away and the house was spotless. Her little brother was outside playing with friends in the backyard and she was enjoying a few minutes to herself.

Charlene dipped the brush into the bottle of _Raging Hot Rod Cherry_ fingernail polish and began to apply the second coat of nail polish while she listened to Mattie tell the story of her latest exploits with her boyfriend. Charlene was jealous of her friend. She longed for a life outside these walls where she could be her own person, go to school, be free from chores, meet a cute man and fall in love.

"What are you doing tonight?" asked Mattie.

"You know my life. I got dinner on now and waiting on my mama and daddy to get home. When they get here I'm sure they'll have a million things for me to do."

Mattie sucked her teeth. "I'm going to a party tonight and I want you to come."

"Girl you know I can't. I'm not supposed to be out late and besides, we have church in the morning."

"Well get everything done early and then sneak out with me. I'll have you back before church. I promise," pleaded Mattie.

"I don't know... I really don't want to get in trouble. You don't know how they can get." Charlene kicked the phone cord that was draped across the floor with her feet.

"Charlene, live it a little. You've been cooped up in that house all weekend long, ripping and running for them. It won't hurt you to get out for a couple of hours and have some fun."

"Okay, okay, okay," Charlene acquiesced. "What time do I need to be ready?"

"I'll be at your house by twelve," said Mattie.

"Just don't pull into my driveway. Stop up the street around the corner. I'll be waiting there for you at twelve."

"Okay!"

"And don't be late, Mattie!"

"I won't, I promise."

"If you're a single minute late, I'm turning around and going back home!"

"Okay, Charlene! I'll see you later."

"Bye, girl!"

* * *

The clock in Charlene's bedroom read 11:45pm as she stood in the mirror and surveyed the dress she'd decided to wear to the party. The short red dress highlighted her curvy frame and matched her _Raging Hot Rod Cherry_ nails perfectly. Her heart skipped a beat when she heard the floorboards outside her door groan as footsteps made their way down the hall. Charlene whisked herself into her bed and pulled the covers up to her neck and pretended to sleep.

The door to her bedroom opened and her mother stepped inside. Charlene swallowed hard as she felt the edge of the bed give way to the weight of her mother's body. Her mother leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

"Thank you for all your help today, baby," she whispered.

Charlene faked a yawn. "You're welcome."

"I'm sorry about the school thing. You know we love you, Charlene. I wish things could be different."

"I love you too, mama." Charlene rolled over and clutched the blanket tightly against her chin. This conversation brought back the sting that she felt earlier this morning when her mother crushed her dreams in the kitchen.

Her mother sighed deeply as she leaned in to kiss Charlene again before she exited the room. When Charlene heard the door close softly, she sat up in bed. This confirmed everything for her. She was getting out of here tonight. She needed to break away from this house and have fun, even if it was only for one night. Maybe a change of scenery would help her devise a plan for how she would escape and start the rest of her life.

Charlene adorned her lips with shiny lip gloss and straightened her hair in the mirror. She took one last look at her outfit before she grabbed her purse and black pumps and slowly lifted the window. She winced when it creaked and waited to hear footsteps coming down the hall. When the coast was clear, she opened the window completely and slipped outside.

The cool, soft grass met her feet when she landed in the yard. She slowly lowered the window and placed the high-heeled pumps on her feet. Charlene edged along the side of the house and peered into the living room window. Her father was snoring on the sofa while a WWF marathon played in the background. Her mother had most likely already headed to bed.

She tiptoed down the driveway and breathed a sigh of relief when saw the headlights from Mattie's car shining through the trees around the corner. Charlene trotted to the car and slipped in the passenger's side door. Mattie was sitting behind the wheel applying mascara while she waited. Her hair was shaped in a neat afro and the moonlight cast a soft glow on her beautiful and even-toned dark skin.

"So you tell me not to be late but you can take your time?" asked Mattie without hesitating from applying her make-up.

"I got held up. Mama came into my room and I had to play sleep."

"Look at you," Mattie said with a smile. "You're becoming a pro at this."

"I felt bad about sneaking out at first until she reminded me that they weren't allowing me to go to UV."

Mattie slammed her compact shut, threw it into the backseat and shook her head as she pulled out and sped down the street. "I know you love your parents, but I really don't agree with how they're treating you. It's like you're a prisoner in your own house."

"I know and I want to get out but then I feel bad for wanting to leave. They sacrificed so much for me over the years. Wouldn't it be wrong if I left them when they needed me?"

"Charlene, it's like this. You didn't ask to be here. It's selfish of them to ask you to put your life on hold to stay here for them. There's nothing in this town for you, me, or anyone. If you want to make something of yourself, you need to leave. Maybe if you get out of here you can be successful and be in more of a position to help your parents with something besides chores."

Charlene sighed and looked out the window. "Yea, you're right. I just don't know what to do. I can't go to college without their permission and I don't have any money to move out on my own."

"Try talking to them again. Tell them you're going and there's nothing they can do to stop you."

"Only if you agree to be my organ donor after they're done beating my ass."

They both laughed but Charlene's laughter was short-lived. Her laugh faded to a smile and eventually twisted into a frown as she watched the streetlights pass over head and light flashed through the interior of the car. She wondered what would happen if she ran away. Where would she go? What would her parents think? Would they disown her? She exhaled again. The only thing that was certain in her future was those four solid brick walls that trapped her and her dreams every day of her life.

Time passed quickly as Mattie's car careened through the highways and eventually they pulled into the parking lot of an apartment complex. The lot was packed with cars and people were dispersed randomly throughout the area, some were walking about laughing and talking and others were sitting on the hoods of cars smoking cigarettes, or what appeared to be cigarettes.

"You ready, honey?" asked Mattie with a wink.

"I guess," Charlene said nervously as her eyes darted about the area.

The two girls stepped from the car and began to walk towards an apartment building at the far end of the parking lot. It was obvious the party was happening there because the door kept opening and closing, spewing people and the sound of music into the lot.

"Mattie, you shole is lookin' good ta-NITE!"

"Thank you," said Mattie without breaking stride.

Charlene stopped and looked at the man but Mattie snatched her back with such force that her shoulder almost came out of the socket. "Keep it movin', Charlene. He ain't nothing but trouble."

"Don't be like that, Mattie! You and your friend bring ya'll sexy asses on ova here and talk to daddy!"

"Go to hell, Rufus!" bellowed Mattie over her shoulder while they continued to walk briskly to the apartment. Mattie looked at Charlene and whispered, "Rufus need to take his ass to somebody's retirement home. Always out scheming and scamming after young women, knowing he old enough to be somebody's daddy. Come to daddy is right!"

Charlene smiled uncomfortably.

"You need to loosen up," said Mattie as she nudged Charlene in the arm. "You don't have anything to worry about. I won't let anything happen to you... and I promise I will have you home in time enough for communion in the morning." Mattie clapped her hands together and mimicked a prayer.

"Very funny," said Charlene with a giggle.

They walked inside the apartment and Charlene's eyes almost bugged out of her head. Clouds of smoke wafted randomly through the air and music was blasting so loud that the walls were shaking. The apartment was packed with people and everyone seemed to be having a great time. Some people were standing around talking, some were dancing, and a few had even passed out randomly about the place.

"Mattie! Hey!" A rather plump girl waddled over to Mattie with her arms outstretched. She reeked of whiskey. After she hugged Mattie she stepped back with a look of surprise. "Charlene?"

"Yes. It's me Rhonda. How are you?"

"Surprised that yo mama 'nem let you out the house," said Rhonda as she looked Charlene up and down.

Charlene sneered without responding.

"Rhonda," said Mattie, "I need a light for my cigarette. Can you find me a lighter please?"

"Mmhmm," said Rhonda as she walked away, eyeing Charlene out the corner of her eye.

"Don't mind her," Mattie whispered to Charlene when Rhonda disappeared into the kitchen.

"She never liked me and I don't know why," said Charlene. "She always has to get smart with me."

"Hopefully there's enough snacks to keep her fat ass busy for a while," said Mattie between laughs. "There's a cooler of beer over there. Let's go get a drink." Mattie grabbed Charlene by the hand and dragged her through the room.

Charlene apologized as she bumped and squeezed by strangers while Mattie led her to the corner of the room. A blue cooler sat on the floor next to a table of four people playing a rather intense card game. Mattie lifted the top and pulled two cans of Budweiser from the ice.

The can of beer felt ice cold to the touch as Charlene popped the top. She took a sip and gagged. "This is disgusting!"

"You get used to it," said Mattie while she sipped her Budweiser.

"Is Chance meeting you here?" asked Charlene. She was hoping that Mattie's boyfriend wouldn't show up and give Mattie an excuse to leave her alone at this party.

"Last time I talked to him he said he'd be here when I got here but I don't see him yet." Mattie looked around the room in search of Chance. Charlene knew that Mattie found him when her face instantly brightened.

The two of them turned and waved as Chance spotted them and walked over.

"Hey baby," Chance said before kissing Mattie on the lips.

Mattie grinned and returned the kiss.

"I'm surprised to see you out and about, Charlene." Chance gave Charlene a hug.

The smell of Chance's cologne filled Charlene's nose. That man looked and smelled like an Egyptian god. She couldn't help but think how lucky Mattie was. Not only did she have a fine man but he smelled good too.

"I have to get out now and again," said Charlene as she stepped back from the embrace.

Chance chuckled as he pulled Mattie into a loving embrace. Mattie smiled as she rested her head on his chest.

Feeling uncomfortable from the public displays of affection, Charlene scanned the room for an excuse to walk away. "I think I'll go see what's to drink in the kitchen... I'm really not a fan of beer. Anybody want anything?"

Neither Chance nor Mattie answered because they had become entangled in a deep and passionate kiss. Charlene sighed and made her way to the kitchen.

The kitchen was small and the olive green refrigerator in the far corner of the room blended in with the walls that were painted the same color. On the counter were various bottles of liquor and accompanying mixers. Charlene began searching the kitchen for a cup to make a drink when a voice over her shoulder startled her.

"You look like you need a drink."

Charlene spun around and locked eyes with a tall, and rather handsome, brown-skinned man. "Um," she struggled to find the words. "I can't find the cups."

"That's because someone moved them," the man said as he turned to walk away.

"Where are you going?" asked Charlene.

A brief moment later the man reappeared in the doorway to the kitchen holding a bag of white foam cups. "Ta-da!" he exclaimed.

Charlene smiled. "Thank you," she said as she took the bag of cups from his hand.

"You're welcome. What are you making?"

"I don't know," said Charlene as she surveyed the options lining the counter. "I don't usually drink so I'm not sure what to make or even how to make anything."

"Maybe I can help."

"Sure." Charlene stepped aside and the man walked up to the counter and began concocting a drink.

"Try this," he said after a few moments and held up a cup.

Charlene took a sip and grinned. "This isn't too bad."

"Glad you like it," the man said as he picked up his cup.

"What are you drinking?" asked Charlene.

"Seagram's Extra Dry Gin. It's my favorite."

"I've never had that before," said Charlene.

"It's an acquired taste."

They locked eyes and Charlene felt her heart flutter momentarily. She'd forgotten all about Mattie and Chance. She didn't even know this man's name but she couldn't deny the gravitational pull he had on her.

Charlene leaned against the counter and took another sip of her drink as the man smiled at her. She'd never had much experience dating before, but she had a feeling that this guy was definitely interested in her and she couldn't deny that he intrigued her as well. She felt herself daydreaming about him whisking her away from the prison of her parent's house and the never-ending chores. Maybe this was meant to be. She was supposed to sneak out of the house tonight and go to this party for a reason. She smiled at the prospects of her future that a few hours ago didn't even exist.

"So, what's your name?" she managed to ask while smiling and staring into his eyes.

END CHARLENE
The Father

I sit on the couch as the volume from the cartoon show I'm watching blares throughout the living room. I stretch my legs out and look at my toes as I wiggle them back and forth. My feet just barely hang off the edge of the old blue floral sofa. I'm almost six years old now and I don't know how long it will be before I'm able to sit on the couch and my feet touch the floor like my daddy.

When the yelling starts from the back of the apartment, I grip my blanket and hold it close to me. My hand shakes as I reach for the remote to turn up the volume, hoping that the noise of the cartoons will drown out the sounds of the fight between my mama and daddy.

Mama walks briskly from the back of the apartment and into the living room with my daddy on her heels. He's screaming at her but she throws her hand back into his face. He grabs her by the back of her neck and throws her to the floor in front of the television. I don't move from my spot on the couch but I stare down at my mama lying on the floor. As often as this happens it still scares me every time. I don't tell anybody though; I really don't like to talk about it.

My attention shifts from the cartoons dancing across the television screen to the horrible scene acted out by my parents. When my mother stands up from the floor, she apologizes to my father but he's too angry to accept. He reaches back and slaps her so hard that she falls onto the coffee table and knocks everything onto the floor with her.

When she rolls over, I see that her lip is bleeding. I shift to go to her side but I stop when I feel my father's cold stare. He orders me not to leave my spot on the couch, so I sit back and continue to hug my blanket. The soft surface of the fleece rubs against my neck and comforts me; I imagine myself rubbing my blanket against my mother too – providing her with the same comfort.

My father steps over my mother and opens the hall closet. He slips on a jacket, walks out the front door and slams it behind him, startling both my mother and me. She rolls over and slowly pushes herself up onto her knees by the palms of her hands. I do not dare to vacate my spot on the couch per my father's orders.

She eventually stands to her feet, completely ignoring me, and walks to the bathroom. The characters on the television screen try their best to regain my attention, but their efforts are in vain. My gaze is focused on the hallway, awaiting my mother to emerge from the bathroom.

Moments later, she walks back into the living room and kneels down to pick up the shattered _what-nots_ , as she likes to call them, from the floor. I think that she forgets that I'm still in the room until she speaks to me.

"I'm sorry that you had to see that," she says.

I twirl the corner of the blanket uncomfortably without responding.

"Your daddy gets so angry with me sometimes." She picks up the last of the ornaments from the floor and disappears into the dark hallway. When she emerges, she has an ironing board and iron. She sets up the board, reaches into a laundry basket on the floor, pulls one of my father's work uniforms from the pile and places it onto the ironing board.

She touches her lip and winces in pain, but she continues to complete her ironing. I watch her slowly move the hot iron back and forth along the fabric of the shirt as steam slowly rises into the air. When she is done ironing the shirt, she turns to reach for a wire hanger and notices me watching her.

"You're not upset at me are you?" she asks.

I shake my head gently.

"Are you mad at your daddy?" she asks while she places the shirt on the hanger and hangs it on the far end of the ironing board.

I don't respond but instead I stare at her.

She cocks her head to the side and places a hand on her forehead. With a sigh, she walks over to the couch and sits next to me.

"I don't want you to be mad at him," she says. "This is all my fault."

I look down at the blanket and fold the edges back and forth in my hands.

"I'm just not being a good wife to him," she said while shaking her head. "Not as good as I should be. He loves me... he really does." She looks around the room and then at me. When our eyes meet she shouts, "He does!"

I jump and look away from her.

"Maybe if I didn't talk back so much to him, then he wouldn't feel like he has to hit me. I shouldn't have said what I did to him... that was wrong." She stands and heads back to the ironing board. "I'm going to do better," she says. "Starting today. I'm going to put a stop to this and I'm going to be a better wife to my husband so we can be a better family, okay?"

I scoot to the edge of the couch and wiggle my toes again, wondering how long it will be before my feet will touch the floor from the couch like my daddy.

Mama slams the iron down on the ironing board. "Okay?" she asks in an uproar.

I look to her and nod my head in agreement. With a smile she looks at me before she turns again to continue ironing my father's clothes.

END THE FATHER
Thomas

I sat cross-legged on my bed with my CD player bumping Destiny's Child and scribbling some answers to my homework when my mom burst into my room. I looked up and saw her mouthing my name from the door with both hands on her hips.

My mom was a thick and curvy brown-skinned lady with a lot of personality. Today she had her hair braided in all blonde micro-braids that were pulled back into a long ponytail and curled at the ends. She was wearing large gold hoop earrings and a pink jumpsuit with matching long pink fingernails. My mother was ghetto fabulous, but if she could accept me for who I was, I certainly had no problems accepting her.

"Yes?" I said while removing my headphones.

"I want you to come to the store with me. Mama need some new Air Max."

"Okay," I said.

"Be ready in ten minutes," she ordered as she pointed a long pink nail at me.

I nodded in agreement and jumped from the bed. I loved shopping with my mom. Most sixteen-year-old boys would hate it, but they were also probably straight.

Ten minutes later, we were cruising in my mom's electric blue Dodge Neon and chatting about our day as she careened in and out of lanes, cutting people off and randomly flipping the bird.

"Whatever happened to that guy you were talking to?" she asked me.

"We broke up last month, Ma!" I exclaimed as I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, baby I'm sorry. You know how forgetful I am."

"Do I ever," I said.

"Don't get smart with me boy," she said as she swerved the car hard to the left, forcing my head hard against the passenger window.

"Ouch," I said while I rubbed the side of my head. I couldn't help but burst into laughter with her.

"Why did ya'll break up?" she asked.

"He cheated on me," I said in embarrassment. Even though my mom was my best friend, I still found it difficult to talk to her about everything.

"I'ma kill 'em," she repeated about three times in a row. "Nobody cheats on my baby! I may have to put up with that shit, but I'll be damned if my baby will too! One of us is going to be happy!"

I placed my hand on my mom's arm as she gripped the steering wheel. "It's okay, it really is. We were growing apart anyway."

She looked over at me and smiled. "If you say so, baby. Just promise me one thing."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Promise me that you'll always put yourself first and never allow a man to use or take advantage of you. You are a very special person and anybody that can't see that don't deserve to be in your life."

"Yes ma'am," I agreed.

I loved the fact that my mom loved and accepted me for who I was. I was so nervous the day that I told her I was gay. I had heard stories about other people who had come out to their parents and been disowned, disrespected, and made to feel like less than the lowest being on the planet. Not my mother though. When I told her about my lifestyle it was like our relationship became better. The confidence, self-esteem, and self-love that I gained as a result were immeasurable. She had her faults, but I owed this woman so much.

* * *

It wasn't long before we were pulling up at the Foot Locker in a strip mall not far from our house. We parked in front and walked inside together. After walking around for a few moments, my mom spotted a pair of gold and pink Air Max with which she fell in love. We sat on one of the benches in the middle of the floor while we waited on the salesman to bring back a shoe in our size.

As we were chatting, a group of three guys walked into the store. They were being loud and ratchet, but I knew not to expect more because we were in the hood after all. I watched them in my peripheral vision as they made their way along the wall on the other side of the store. I felt an unease come over me when one of them pointed at my mother and whispered to the other two.

One of the guys crossed the store and approached my mother. "What it is, shawty?" he asked.

She looked up at him with her face twisted in disgust. "Excuse me?"

"You lookin' good today," he said.

"Thank you," replied my mom. "But I'm not interested in whatever you sellin'."

Quickly, his smile faded and his expression morphed into a scowl. He walked back to his friends who were laughing hysterically on the other side of the store.

I continued to watch him out the corner of my eye and felt my blood pressure rise when he looked at my mother and said, "MAN, FUCK THAT UPPITY BITCH!"

My body jumped from the seat next to my mom and apparently left my mind behind. Those three guys were big enough to easily break me in half if they wanted.

"You better watch your mouth," I said as I walked up to the perpetrator and pushed him hard in the chest.

He and his friends laughed in my face. "What you gonna do, sissy?"

I was about to respond when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked down and saw five pink nails gently push me aside. My mother was staring at me.

"Now Thomas," she said. "What did I tell you?"

I was utterly confused. "What?" I asked.

"I'm so disappointed in you," she said. "I know I've taught you better than that."

"But you didn't hear what they said about you?"

"I know what they said about me; I can hear. I also saw what you did when you came over here."

"I'm sorry," I said with my head down. My mom grabbed my chin and lifted my head so I looked into her eyes. The guys continued to laugh in the background.

"No baby," she said. "Don't be sorry. Learn from this. I taught you better." She released my chin and turned to face the guy that insulted her only moments earlier. "Now, you need to remember, when you mush somebody, you have to do it right for the maximum effect."

"What?" I asked in confusion.

"Like this," she said as she took her hand and mashed it so hard in the guy's face that he fell against the wall and all the shoes rained down on top of him.

"Holy shit!" one of his friends exclaimed. The guy flailed about on the floor like a turtle turned on its back in a sea of shoes.

"Hey!" yelled the salesman as he emerged from the back of the store with the shoebox containing my mom's Air Max. "What the hell happened here?"

My mom looked at me with a pencil-thin eyebrow raised. "Looks like it's time to go!" She grabbed my hand and dragged me outside. We jumped into the electric blue Dodge Neon and peeled out of the parking lot.

We tore down the highway as my mom constantly checked her rearview and side-view mirrors to make sure the police weren't in pursuit.

"Mama," I said.

"What, baby?" she responded.

"I love you."

"I love you too," she said as she patted my knee and turned a corner on two wheels.

END THOMAS
Derrick

I steered the forklift into a deserted corner of the warehouse and turned the key, silencing the engine. I took a deep breath and looked around to make sure the coast was clear. I'd just sped through the warehouse like Cruella de Vil, and probably broke every safety rule conceived by management, to get most of my work done so I could have a few moments of downtime.

I pulled the Macroeconomics textbook from behind my driver's seat and sat it on my lap. I opened the book to Chapter Five and tried to focus but the words floated around on the page. At one point it seemed as if they were intentionally mocking me. I squeezed my eyes shut and placed my head in my hands. I'd been up for twenty-four hours straight and my brain was beginning to shut down.

The clock on my forklift read 4:13am. With just a little over two hours left in my shift, I still had three chapters to review before my midterm at 9am. At times I wondered if going to Morehouse was the right choice for me. Even with my partial academic scholarship, I still had to work a lot of hours at this distribution center which barely covered the remainder of my expenses. Jealousy consumes me when I see the other people my age on campus that don't have to deal with the same problems I do. I've only officially been an adult for one and a half years and I already hated it.

On days like this I really wished that I could talk to my mom and dad. Their words of encouragement would go a long way for me right now, but that's impossible because they were gone and weren't coming back. They are part of the reason why I work so hard because I know they're watching over me and I want, _no I need_ , to make them proud of me.

With a sigh, I leaned in and made another attempt at studying. I felt like a superhero when I willed the words to sit still on the page with my mind. _I can do this_ , I thought to myself.

* * *

"You have 15 minutes left!"

The announcement thundered from the front of the auditorium woke me from a deep sleep. "FUCK!" I yelled out loud. My face flushed as everyone turned to look at me. "Sorry," I mumbled.

I wondered how I managed to fall asleep during the Macroeconomics final. How could I sabotage myself like this? I still had thirty multiple choice and an entire essay question left to answer. I gripped my pencil and went to work glazing over the questions and filling in the answers without much thought. My stomach churned and I felt the sweat begin to form on my brow. I was screwed.

I was starting the first sentence of the essay question when the professor called time and asked everyone to hand in their papers. I squeezed the pencil so hard in my hand that it broke in half with a loud SNAP. I snatched the paper from the desk and walked to the front of the classroom.

The people walking in front of me were laughing and talking with one another as they sat their exams on the top of the pile. They'd probably been able to study all night and would get A's, while it would take a divine intervention for me to get a D. I slammed my test on the pile and began the long trudge to the exit at the back of the class.

As I emerged from the building, the sunlight warmed my entire body and a warm spring breeze tickled my skin. I took a deep breath and made my way down the sidewalk towards my apartment building.

I walked inside, dropped my bag on the floor, and collapsed on the bed with my clothes and shoes still on. My muscles relaxed as if they were screaming, _Thank you_! My eyes closed and I drifted off to sleep.

* * *

The loud sound of the phone ringing woke me from my slumber. I groaned and reached for the phone, wondering if I would ever get the opportunity to get some rest.

"Hello," I said in a sleepy tone.

"Hey Derrick. It's Tosha."

"What's up?"

"What are you doing?"

"I was sleeping," I said.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Do I need to call you back?" asked Tosha.

"No, you're fine," I said as I sat up. At this point sleeping was futile and my stomach began to roar with hunger.

"How did your final go?"

"Next question please," I said.

"Oh okay. That bad, huh?"

I held the phone in silence.

"Let's get some lunch. I have a craving for J.R. Cricket's."

"That sounds nice but I don't have any money right now," I said.

"Let me treat you. It sounds like you've had a long day and I need some company too."

"Okay. I'll meet you there in thirty," I said.

"Alright. Bye Derrick."

"Bye."

I hung up the phone and lay back on the bed. Lately, I felt as if I was always angry and frustrated and those feelings were often misdirected. Overwhelming financial troubles and no easy solution would have that effect on anyone. I had no idea how I was going to get myself out of this mess but it was time that I started brainstorming.

* * *

Tosha walked up wearing a ruffled skirt, tank top, and platform wedges. She looked like a million dollars for a Wednesday afternoon.

"Derrick, dahling! How are you?" asked Tosha as she walked up and kissed me on both cheeks.

I laughed. "I'm making it, Tosha. How are you?"

"I'm good!" she exclaimed as she flipped her hair to the side.

"Are you actually attending classes at Spelman or do you just parade around campus like you're in a fashion show?" I asked.

"Well darling," she pulled her cat eye sunglasses down and peered at me from over the top. "At Spelman we believe in brains _and_ beauty."

I couldn't help but laugh at my best friend. I loved Tosha. She always came through for me when I needed cheering up. I placed my arm around her and we made our way inside the restaurant.

Tosha sashayed up to the hostess station and asked for a table for two. She slid the sunglasses from her face and placed them in her purse when we were seated. I scooted into my side of the booth and picked up the menu.

"What can I get you to drink?" asked the waiter.

"I'll have a sweet tea," said Tosha.

"Same for me," I followed suit.

"Do you two know what you want to eat?" asked the waiter.

"You go ahead," I motioned to Tosha.

"Lemme get ten wings, all flats, fried hard, extra wet with buffalo sauce, please." Tosha spit out her order like a pro.

"Well damn," I said. "I'll have ten lemon pepper wings, please."

"Coming right up," the waiter said as he grabbed our menus and walked away.

"So have you met any cute guys lately?" asked Tosha.

"Tosha, you know I don't have time to date right now."

"Not for you, for me!"

We both laughed.

"No, I'm afraid I haven't," I answered.

"Well what's going on, Derrick? I'm really worried about you."

"It's this whole school thing. I'm having to work all these overnight hours at the DC for money to make up for what my scholarship doesn't pay, but that ends up just barely covering the tuition and my bills. Not to mention my grades are slipping because I'm working so much and I'm in danger of losing my scholarship."

"Can you find another job?" asked Tosha.

"Not making what I make at the DC. Plus the hours don't interfere with classes."

"Well have you thought about transferring to a cheaper school?"

"If I transfer, I lose my scholarship and I'm right back where I started, so there's kinda no point." I placed both my elbows on the table and massaged my temples. I appreciated Tosha's concern but this conversation was giving me a massive migraine.

"Excuse me, I don't mean to interrupt but I couldn't help but overhear your conversation."

I looked up to where the sound of the voice came from. There was a man sitting in the booth directly behind Tosha and he was turned in his seat and grinning at me.

The man stood and walked to the side of our table. He was wearing an expensive pair of fitted jeans and a bright-colored button-up with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows.

"You sound like you're in need of a scholarship," the man said as he looked me up and down.

"No th—," I was cut off by a sharp kick underneath the table from Tosha. I glared at her and she knit her eyebrows at me.

"Would you happen to know of any open scholarships?" Tosha asked the stranger.

I had a bad feeling about this guy in the pit of my stomach.

"We actually have one opening left for the summer," the man said as he stared at me in a way that made me extremely uncomfortable. "You should apply." He reached into his pocket and handed me a business card that was bent on the corners.

I read the card to myself:

Walter M. Graves, IV

Allistar Media & Entertainment

6969 Donald Lee Hollowell Pkwy, Suite 200

Atlanta, GA 30318

Phone: (404)-555-5134

"I'm sorry, Mr. Graves," I apologized, "but I'm not a Media or Communications major. I'm studying Economics."

I handed him the card back but he held up his hand in protest. "There's no major or discipline requirement. Just think about it and give me a call when you're ready to apply."

I stared at the card before sliding it in my back pocket. Walter winked at me and went back to his booth.

"Now how awesome is that? See how God works!" said Tosha.

"I don't know about God," I replied as I stared at the back of the man's head behind Tosha. Something about Mr. Graves, IV just wasn't sitting right with me and I couldn't put my finger on exactly what it was. Maybe it was the fact that I'd never heard of his company or his scholarship, or that he wasn't the most professionally dressed or acting person that I've ever met. I decided to hang onto his business card despite my many reservations.

* * *

Mr. Whitehead's office was dark and dusty. It looked as if it hadn't been inhabited for years. There was safety equipment and random books strewn about the office on various tables and shelves. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. I hated waiting, especially when I had work to finish so I could possibly sneak in some study time.

The door opened and filled the room with the sound of lift truck traffic. After a few seconds, it closed and I heard Mr. Whitehead's slow shuffle as he made his way to his desk. He was an old Caucasian man that probably should have retired several years ago. He'd gone completely bald and his skin was riddled with age spots.

"Sorry about your wait, Derrick. I had an issue I had to attend to at the last minute. What can I do for you?"

I sat up in the chair and cleared my throat. "No problem. I wanted to know if there would be an opportunity for overtime this week. I didn't see the sign-up sheet in the usual spot outside your office."

"That's because I didn't put it out this week," said Mr. Whitehead. He leaned back in his chair and folded his arm across his potbelly. "I'm afraid we are over-budget for overtime for the remainder of the year."

"The remainder of the year?" I asked in shock. "But it's only the beginning of June!"

"I can read a calendar, Derrick."

I looked around the room and felt my chest tightening. How the hell was I going to pay for school if I couldn't get any more overtime? I was depending on that money.

"Can I just work the extra hours without the time-and-a-half?" I asked.

"I'm afraid that's against corporate rules," said Mr. Whitehead.

"Well," I started before Mr. Whitehead cut me off.

"Look son, I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. Looks like you're just gonna have to find yourself a second job."

I sat in the chair in silence. I couldn't believe this shit. _Find a second job_? When the hell did I have time for that? I was barely surviving as it is.

"You should get going, son. You have a lot of work to do." Mr. Whitehead sat up in his chair and began to peck at his keyboard.

I stood from my seat and walked out of his office, slamming the door behind me. I jumped into the driver's seat of my lift truck and turned the key. The engine roared to life and I sped off down the aisle.

"Shit!" I exclaimed as I banged on the steering wheel... and then I remembered. It was as if the business card weighed a ton sitting in my back pocket. Maybe I had a way out.

I parked my lift truck by the break room and stepped inside. The room was empty, so I decided to make the call. I walked over to the phone in the corner of the room and dialed Mr. Graves' number with a trembling finger. I didn't expect him to answer since it was so late, but I felt that if I left him a voicemail it would at least ease my mind temporarily.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Um," I struggled to find the words, "Mr. Graves, you may not remember me, but this is Derrick, from J.R. Cricket's yesterday."

"Oh yea!" he said. "I remember you. I could never forget you or those eyes."

"I want to take you up on the scholarship offer. Where do I apply?"

"Come to my office at 9am. The address on the business card I gave you."

"Okay," I said. "Thank you, sir."

"No... Thank you."

I hung up the phone and stared at it momentarily. I should have been happy but for some reason I felt as if I'd just sold my soul to the devil.

As I continued to work out my shift, my mind slowly came to terms with the decision I'd just made. Maybe Tosha was right. This could be some sort of divine intervention on my behalf. Lord knows I needed a break.

* * *

I pulled up outside the abandoned warehouse and placed my car in park. I glanced at Mr. Graves' business card and matched the number from the address on the card to the number on the building. I was definitely at the right address, but this place looked suspect at best – not even considering that it was in the heart of one of the shadiest places in town.

After stepping out of the car, I surveyed my surroundings. I spotted a Church's Chicken restaurant down the road, and a free clinic directly across the street. _Nice to know that I can get a 2-piece and an abortion if I need_ , I thought to myself.

The warehouse was part brick and had rusted steel beams exposed. The concrete in the parking lot was cracked all over and weeds had grown up through the cracks. I made my way to the front door and pushed it open. The door groaned on its hinges but gave way to me and I slipped inside.

My mind was screaming to turn around and leave but then I remembered that this was the best option I had right now to pay my tuition and bills. I'd just make this happen as quickly as possible. I'd go in, complete the paperwork, and then leave. It shouldn't take more than thirty minutes tops.

I walked up the stairs at the end of the hallway and knocked on the door to Suite 200. There was a simple piece of white paper taped to a metal door that read: ALLISTAR MEDIA & ENTERTAINMENT.

The door eventually swung open and Mr. Graves greeted me with a smile.

"Good morning!" he said.

"Hi," I said nervously.

Mr. Graves stepped aside and ushered me into the suite. I walked into what appeared to be a photography studio. The studio was one room that resembled an industrial loft. At the far end of the room, floor-to-ceiling windows met a ceiling that was ordained with exposed pipes and track lighting. To the right of the door was a black leather couch and across from that was a white backdrop situated between spotlights.

"Have a seat, Derrick."

I spun around to see that Mr. Graves was sitting at his desk to the left of where we entered the room, and was motioning towards the guest chair across from him.

"Thank you, Mr. Graves," I replied as I sat uncomfortably in the chair.

"No need for the formalities," he said with a grin that exposed an open-faced gold tooth. "You can call me Walter."

"Okay," I said. My heart was beating so hard I thought that it would burst from my chest at any moment. I felt the rugged cloth of my jeans as I scrubbed my sweaty palms on my thigh.

"So I take it you're here to start the application process for the scholarship?" asked Walter.

"Yes," I answered. "Can you tell me a little more about exactly what it is first?"

"Absolutely, Derrick." Walter leaned back in his chair and pivoted from side-to-side as he touched the tips of his fingers together. "It's sort of a modeling competition. I run a media and entertainment company, if you hadn't already discovered that, and I'm always on the search for new talent."

"But I'm not a model," I interrupted.

"Well, maybe not, but you could be if you wanted. You definitely have what it takes. I could tell from just looking at you that day at J.R. Cricket's. All we need to do is take some test shots, I'll submit them to this modeling agency that's hosting the competition, and if you win we'll both get paid. It's completely win-win."

"How much is the prize?" I asked.

"Well, this is a scholarship and I understand you're in school and need the money, so this is what I'll do. I can give you one thousand dollars up front for working with me today and if you win the competition you'll get two thousand dollars for a total scholarship package of three thousand dollars. Now doesn't that sound good?"

I tried to swallow but it was difficult because my mouth was as dry as a sandbox. "That's a pretty large scholarship," I said.

Walter sat up and folded his arms on the top of the desk. "Well, you are a special candidate, Derrick. I handpicked you and I don't do that often. I see a lot of potential in you, son and I want to see you get somewhere someday."

It seemed as if Walter really cared about my welfare. Maybe I could trust him after all. "So what's next?" I asked.

Walter grabbed a single piece of paper and placed it in front of me along with a pen. "Just sign the release and we can get started."

The page was full of small type with a line for my signature and the date at the bottom.

"No need to read the entire thing. It's only standard legal jargon. It just says that you give my company consent to publish the pictures we take today for the competition, blah blah blah."

I grabbed the pen with an unsteady hand. "Oh okay," I replied. With a deep breath, I signed my name at the bottom of the form.

Walter snatched the paper with a grin, exposing his gold tooth, and filed it away in the cabinet behind his desk. "Shall we get started?" he asked as he stood from his seat.

"You want to start today?" I asked.

"No better time than the present," said Walter. He pointed to the white backdrop and said, "Let's do some test shots. Stand over there."

I walked over to the white backdrop and stood uncomfortably in the middle of the screen. Walter walked over and flipped on the lights situated on either side of the screen. He grabbed an expensive looking camera and stood back a few feet. I felt uncomfortable as he began to snap pictures and the flash blinded me.

"Why don't you move around a little," he said. "Give me some variety. I bet we can win this competition but we need a good picture."

This went on for about ten minutes and twenty frames before I started to feel comfortable with taking the pictures. I thought to myself that I was overreacting and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

After the fiftieth frame, Walter stretched his arms in the air and yawned loudly. "These are great pictures but we need to try something different if we're going to win this competition."

"Sure," I said. "This isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm actually having a good time."

Walter smiled at my comment. "Great. You have a nice body too," he said while biting his bottom lip. "Take your shirt off. Let's take some shots like that."

"Okay," I said and lifted my shirt over my head and threw it to the floor.

Walter snapped about ten more frames before I heard another heavy sigh from behind the camera. "What's wrong now?" I asked.

"I still feel like something is missing," Walter said while holding the camera in one hand and tapping his cheek with the other as if he was consumed in thought.

"Am I doing something wrong?" I asked.

"Not quite," said Walter. "We just need to try something else. Take your pants off."

"What?"

"Take your pants off. Let's try some underwear shots."

"No," I commanded. My back stiffened and my stomach dropped to my knees.

"Look, do you want to win the scholarship or not?"

"You didn't say I would take pictures in my underwear. I'm not comfortable doing that."

"That's fine," said Walter as he placed the lens cap back on his camera. "Suit yourself. There are lots of other guys I can call to get this money."

I frowned and felt my eyes well with tears. I really needed this money or I was going to get kicked out of school. If I win this competition, then maybe it will have been worth it.

"Okay," I said in a low tone as I unzipped my jeans and they fell to the floor, exposing my black hip briefs. It's a good thing I wore my nice underwear today.

"Are you sure about this?" asked Walter. "I don't want you to think I'm forcing you to do anything you don't want to do. I'm not asking you to do anything unreasonable. Lots of models photograph in their underwear and even nude. If Calvin Klein calls you for a shoot and you turn him down because it's an underwear ad, you could miss a huge opportunity."

I swallowed hard. "I'm sure," I lied. I wasn't sure at all; I just needed the money.

As the camera flashed, I became more and more comfortable and less upset with myself. I tried to will away my frustration and embarrassment by focusing on the ends and hoping that they would justify these means.

Walter sighed again and dropped the camera to his side.

"What now?" I asked in an agitated tone.

Silently, Walter walked over to me and tugged at my underwear, exposing the lines of my pelvic region. My heart raced as he stood back with his arms folded. He walked up to me again and slowly lowered my underwear until they fell to the floor around my feet. I closed my eyes and held my breath. I wished that I could run away but I was in too deep. All I wanted to do was make my parents proud of me as they watched over me in Heaven. What would they think of me now?

My body began to tremble uncontrollably. Walter grabbed my shoulders in both hands. "Relax," he whispered to me with a smile. I opened my eyes and immediately looked away. I couldn't bear to look this man in the face.

He stepped back and slowly began taking pictures. As the camera flashed, he ordered me to move about the canvas. _Bend over, turn around, sit down, and get on your knees_. The longer we did this the easier it got. I eventually stopped trembling and managed not to cry. When Walter finally stood up and informed me that the shoot was a wrap, I almost collapsed with relief.

Hurriedly, I grabbed my clothes and dressed while Walter downloaded the pictures to his computer. I walked over and stood next to him.

"These are amazing," he said.

I stood in silence, not wanting to thank him for the compliment. At the beginning of the film, I saw a beautiful young guy with an even light complexion, wavy and neatly cropped hair, and gray eyes swirled with hints of green and hazel. As the film rolled on and my clothes became scarcer, I noticed my smile and the life in my eyes slowly fade into a look of despair and desperation. The only consolation I felt was that this person standing there in the nude wasn't me. He didn't look like me at all. The light was gone, his personality was gone, and he was just an empty shell of a naked man caught in the lens of a camera.

"We got some really good stuff. It'll be hard to choose which ones will go in the publication." Walter reached into the top drawer of his desk and pulled out a checkbook. After a few seconds, he ripped a check from the top and handed it to me. "Per our agreement, there's your check for one thousand dollars."

"Thank you," I said as I stared at the check.

"Look," said Walter. "Don't feel bad. You have a lot of talent and you're going somewhere in life, I already know it. Just don't lose that personality and aura that initially drew me to you."

I looked up at Walter with a blank expression. "Are we done for today?" I asked.

Walter shrugged. "I suppose. I'll be in touch."

I walked out the door and when it closed behind me, I ran down the stairs to my car. My nostrils were flaring and I was breathing heavy but it wasn't because I was out of breath from running. I was crying. What had I done?

I threw the check into the passenger seat and peeled out of the parking lot.

* * *

The summer semester had come and gone and I hadn't heard anything else from Walter. I didn't know if I won the competition or if there ever really was a competition. I cashed the check and paid my tuition but I still had to work to pay my bills and save for fall semester's tuition. I felt trapped in a never-ending spiral. I worked to live and lived to work. I wasn't enjoying life and my best years were slipping away from me.

I sat in the library at a computer terminal. It was time to register for fall classes. I logged into our registration system when an error message filled the screen.

"You've got to be kidding me," I said out loud.

It was no joke. Bad luck had quickly become my best friend. I'd lost my scholarship due to my lousy academic performance last semester; a direct result of my crazy work schedule. If I didn't come up with the missing money by the first day of fall classes, my entire schedule would be canceled.

My phone buzzed on the desk next to the computer just as I was logging out. It was Walter. The universe must have been playing some kind of sick joke on me. I answered the call.

"Hello."

"Hi Derrick, it's Walter."

"Hi Walter."

"Look, I have some good and bad news."

"Okay," I said.

"The bad news is that you didn't win the competition."

"Figures," I mumbled. I walked outside the library to talk in private.

"What was that?" he asked.

"Nothing," I replied.

"Oh okay," he continued, "well you didn't win the competition but I have another opportunity for you that could be even more lucrative than that whack competition."

I breathed deeply. "What is it?"

"You ever thought about dancing?" he asked.

"What kind of dancing?"

"The exotic kind," he said.

"Walter, NO," I replied sternly. "I'm not interested. I didn't like the outcome the last time we got together and I'm definitely not doing this. You got me pegged for the wrong kind of guy."

"You already took the nude pictures," said Walter. "You don't even know where those pictures went. You didn't even ask."

"Where did they go?" I asked.

"You should have read your contract," he said.

"You said I didn't have to!" I yelled into the phone.

"Look, I don't have time for this. If you're not interested in making money then I'm not interested in you. I hope you have all your tuition money this semester."

The line went dead. Walter hung up on me. I gripped the phone so hard in my hands, I felt like it was going to break in half. "DAMMIT!" I yelled as I stormed off to my apartment.

* * *

I rubbed my temples as I tried to slow my breathing. I was sitting at my desk in my bedroom. It was dark outside and the only light in my room was my desk lamp. So far I'd been denied a payday advance, a private loan at five banks, and the family members that answered the phone when I called couldn't or wouldn't help me. I'd exhausted all my possibilities... _except one_.

_No, no, no_! I thought to myself. _You can't do it. It's not worth it._

I stood from the desk and paced about my room. After a several minutes of exhausting implausible possibilities in my mind I took my hand and swept everything from the top of my desk onto the floor. I picked up my phone and dialed Walter's number.

"Hello," he answered.

I swallowed hard despite the lump in my throat. "Okay," I said.

"Okay, what?" he asked.

"I'll do it."

I could feel him grinning and his gold tooth shining on the other end of the phone. "Excellent," he said. "I knew you'd be back."

END DERRICK
Mercedes

Mercedes sat the doll in her lap and parted its hair down the middle. She placed rubber bands in the doll's hair so it would have ponytails on either side of its head; just like hers. She stood from her seat and walked to the other side of her bedroom. When she looked into the mirror, she saw her and her doll's reflections. They looked like twins. Both had a light caramel complexion and hair with matching hairstyles.

"Allison you look very nice," Mercedes complimented her doll. "Now, we should go find mommy and see if she will take us out for ice cream!"

Mercedes tucked the doll into cloth belt around the waist of her dress and exited her room, which was situated at the end of a long hallway. It was the first week of summer vacation in St. Petersburg, Florida and Mercedes was enjoying every minute of it. The hallway was lined with floor-to-ceiling windows and Mercedes could see the palm trees outside their house swaying from side to side in the gentle breeze.

She stopped at one of the windows and peered outside. Her father's black BMW was parked in the large circular driveway in the front of the house. Her eyes stretched as she clapped her hands together. "This is great, Allison!" she addressed her doll. "Daddy came home early from work and maybe he can go out with us."

Mercedes tore down the hallway and into her parent's bedroom at the opposite end of the hall. When she entered the room she stopped at the doorway and looked around. Her parent's bedroom was gargantuan. To Mercedes, the walls seemed to climb forever until they met the vaulted ceiling. To one side of the room was a king-sized four-poster bed that Mercedes loved to cuddle with her parents in at night. On the other side of the bedroom were a sitting area and a desk where her father would work from time to time.

Today her father's desk was in complete disarray. Papers were strewn about the surface and all along the floor at the base of the desk. Mercedes stared at the desk until she heard voices coming from the Master Bathroom.

"Mommy? Daddy?" she called out but her parents were too engrossed in their conversation to hear her. It sounded as if they were arguing. Mercedes walked to the bathroom door and peeped through the crack to see what all the commotion was about.

"I can't believe this," her mother said as she grabbed both sides of her head in distress. "What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

"I don't know," her father said as he sat on the edge of the tub and looked down at the floor.

"Please tell me it's not all gone. I know we at least have something left that we set aside a while back."

Her father continued to stare at the floor in silence.

"Well?" her mother asked.

Mercedes' father dug his face into the palm of his hands.

"You're kidding, right?" she asked.

"No!" he bellowed so loud that Mercedes jumped back. "They convinced me that it was not going to be a risky investment. They said that whatever I put in had the potential to be tripled and potentially quadrupled. I didn't know that it was all a scam. The CEO and the President of the company cashed out their investments, abandoned the company, and left the country. Nobody knows where they are."

"How long have you been hiding this from me?" she asked.

"A few weeks," he said. "I thought that I would be able to figure something out... maybe at least get _some_ of our money back."

"So what you're telling me is that not only has my husband been keeping from me that fact that we are diving headfirst into poverty, but our entire life savings is gone, including Mercedes' college fund and you don't even have a damn job?"

"I'm afraid not," he said.

"How are we going to pay our bills? What about this house?"

"We'll have to down-size."

"Property values here are skyrocketing; where can we afford to move in St. Petersburg?" her mother asked.

"We won't be moving here. There aren't any jobs in this area. I may have a lead on a job in Georgia. We can stay with some of my family until we get back on our feet. We'll have to sell the house."

"What about Mercedes' school and her friends?" asked her mother. "We can't just uproot her like this."

"Mercedes is a very resilient child. She will adjust."

"She will adjust?" asked her mother. "Is that all you have to offer is she will adjust?" she mocked.

Her father stood in a rage and swept all the products from the bathroom counter onto the floor. "I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN, DAMMIT! MAYBE IF YOU WORKED WITH ME INSTEAD OF CRITICIZING WE COULD FIND A SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM!"

Her mother folded her arms and rolled her neck. "Oh! So now you need me to help you come up with a solution to a problem that you created without so much as a word to me?"

"Well maybe if you got off your ass from time to time and actually did some real work besides shopping all day we wouldn't be in this predicament."

Mercedes backed away from the door when she heard the sound of her mother slapping her father. Tears were rolling down her face as she sat on the floor next to the door with her knees cradled against her chest. Moments later the door swung open and her mother stormed out and down the hall.

When Mercedes woke up, she was alone and lying on the floor next to her doll, Allison. She rolled over and stared at the ceiling. Her adolescent mind wandered as she watched the blades of the ceiling fan spin continuously. She heard the door creak and she slowly turned her head to see who was entering the room. It was her grandmother.

Mercedes' grandmother lived in the guest suite in the basement of their house. She'd been sick a lot lately and since they had so much space, her father had invited her to come live with them. Her grandmother's beautiful dark skin was wrinkled with many years of wisdom. She always kept her silver hair curled tight and she had a smile that would melt the heart of anyone.

"There you are!" Her grandmother smiled when she saw Mercedes lying on the floor. "I've been looking for you, my love. It took me a while because this house is so big and you know I'm getting old."

Mercedes sat up and the tears began to flow again.

"Oh no," said her grandmother. "What's the matter?" she asked as she motioned for Mercedes' to come to her.

Mercedes stood from the floor and ran to her grandmother. She wrapped her arms around her waist and squeezed her tight as she felt her grandmother's hands caress her back. The light floral scent that wafted from her grandmother's dress seemed to soothe Mercedes' nerves.

"Now are you going to tell me what's wrong?" asked her grandmother as she held Mercedes' chin in her hand.

"Mommy and Daddy were fighting. They say we don't have any money and we have to move."

Her grandmother's facial expression became sullen as she stared at her granddaughter. She looked into the bathroom and saw everything from the counter strewn about the floor. "Come with me," she said. "Let's get out of this stuffy old house for a while."

"Okay," agreed Mercedes.

They walked downstairs and outside. Once outside they climbed into her grandmother's gold Buick. Even though Mercedes' father had offered many times to buy his mother a new luxury car she always refused. She claimed that she loved her Buick and it was good enough for her. It probably had sentimental value for her because it was the last thing that her husband bought her before he passed away a few years ago.

"Where are we going, Grandma?" asked Mercedes.

"It's a surprise," answered her grandmother. She looked over at Mercedes and smiled.

Mercedes watched the surroundings fly by as they made their way to their destination. After a short trip, her grandmother parked the car and announced that they'd arrived. Mercedes hopped out of the car and grabbed her grandmother's hand. When they made it to the edge of the parking lot, she knew immediately where they were. She'd brought her to the mall – the same place that she was going to ask her mother to bring her for ice cream earlier.

"Are we getting ice cream, Grandma?" asked Mercedes.

"Well aren't you a smarty," said her grandmother. "I can't even surprise you anymore." She squeezed Mercedes' hand as they walked through the mall entrance and made their way to the food court.

Mercedes ordered her favorite: a double-scoop chocolate ice cream cone and her grandmother had a scoop of strawberry ice cream in a bowl. They sat at a small table across from the ice cream shop and chatted while they ate their ice cream.

"How do you like it?" asked her grandmother.

"It's delicious," said Mercedes as she gingerly licked the side of her cone.

"Ice cream always makes me feel better," said her grandmother. "I thought it might work for you too."

Mercedes nodded and continued to eat her ice cream.

"Baby, I don't want you to worry about what's happening with your mama and daddy. I'm not sure what all you heard but I want you to know that it's not as bad as it seems."

"But they said we have to move. I don't want to move. I like my house and all my friends and my school."

"I know you do," said her grandmother. "But what I also know is that everything that happens in your life is all a part of God's plan."

"God's plan?" asked Mercedes. "What is God's plan?"

"I don't know baby. Only God knows; but what I do know is that whenever he closes a door, he opens a window. This new window that he's opening for you is going to lead you into a life that you may have never even imagined you'd have. The best part is getting there! It may seem scary at first, but know that God will never mislead you. Plus, Grandma will always be here to love my baby. Even when I pass on, I'll watch you from Heaven and cheer you on."

"Are you moving to Georgia with us, Grandma?" asked Mercedes.

"Oh sweetheart," she replied, "I'm afraid not. You see... Grandma is getting too old to move around so much. I've gotten settled here and I like it. Besides, your parents have enough to worry about without me adding to their problems."

"But I'm going to miss you," said Mercedes.

"Aw, my sweet Mercedes. I am going to miss you too; but you are always welcome to visit me whenever you like. My home will always be open to my baby. Just make sure you ask your parents for permission first."

"Yes ma'am," agreed Mercedes with a smile.

"Now finish your ice cream cone so we can do some shopping."

Mercedes' eyes lit up as she began to devour her ice cream. Her grandmother shifted in her chair as she laughed at her granddaughter.

* * *

Mercedes pressed her nose against the glass case as she stared at the gold bamboo earrings. She'd never seen anything like them before. Her mother had a lot of jewelry, but nothing like these. She imagined herself wearing those earrings and how beautiful she'd be.

"So you like those earrings?" asked her grandmother.

"Yes ma'am," Mercedes nodded.

"Well they are certainly beautiful," said her grandmother. "Look, Mercedes! There's two pair of the same ones."

Mercedes looked to her grandmother in puzzlement.

"Well," her grandmother started, "I was thinking that we could both get them and that way even when you move to Georgia, we'll always have something that will link us together and remind us of one another."

Mercedes' eyes shone as bright as stars while she smiled at her grandmother.

"I'll take two pairs of the bamboo hoops please, for me and my granddaughter here," Mercedes' grandmother addressed the jewelry salesman.

When the transaction was complete, her grandmother knelt down and removed the stud earrings Mercedes was wearing, replacing them with the new bamboo hoops. After her grandmother tried on her own earrings, the salesman handed her a mirror. Mercedes backed against her grandmother's chest and rested her head on her grandmother's shoulder.

In the reflection of the mirror she saw her grandmother lightly flick her earring and smile. "Now don't we look beautiful?" she asked.

"Yes grandmother," Mercedes agreed. "We sure do."

END MERCEDES
Russell

I sit in my first grade classroom and watch the clock, patiently waiting for the recess bell to ring. Mrs. Wilkins is talking about a writing assignment after the break but no one is paying much attention. We're all anxious to get outside to the playground.

The bell rings and it sounds as if an explosion resonates through the room. Children yell as they head toward the backdoor that leads to the playground and our thirty minutes of freedom. I jump from my seat and then pat the right pocket of my shorts. Yep. My Power Ranger action figures are still where I left them.

I run outside with the rest of the kids and the sunlight blinds me momentarily. I blink while I take in the fresh air and survey my surroundings. Directly in front of me are swings that are completely occupied and kids are waiting in line for the next turn. On the pavement to my right several girls are playing a game of foursquare. I'm tempted to join them but I want to do something different today. To the left in the farthest part of the playground, a group of boys are preparing to start a football game.

It takes only a few seconds for me to run to where the game is about to begin. Yes, I think to myself, I'm not too late. They haven't chosen teams yet.

"Can I play?" I say as I approach.

Immediately, a hush falls over the group. Moments later a few of the boys toward the back of the group snicker to each other. One of the older kids walks up and squints at me in the sunlight.

"You want to play _football_?" he asks.

"Yes," I answer nervously as my eyes dart about the group. I wonder what the issue is with me playing with them. I've never played before but I wanted to at least give it a try.

"Okay," he said as if he wasn't completely convinced. "We already have team captains and we're about to start picking teams."

With a grin, I run over and stand next to the group. I hear whispering behind my back but I try to ignore it. The team captains step forward and choose teams. I patiently wait my turn but not only is there an odd number of players now, I'm also chosen last. I still smile despite my disappointment.

My team huddles at one end of the field and the captain, Eddie, explains our plan for the game.

"I'll be the quarterback," he says. "William, I want you to cover James. Tyrone you can cover Mark. Jason I want you to take Zack, and Greg can take Corey. Whoever gets the ball first just try to get as far as you can and we'll cover for you."

"What about me?" I ask. I hear someone suck their teeth across from me but I ignore it.

"Just do what you can," Eddie says.

I nod in agreement as we break and await the other team to acknowledge that the game has started. The other team comes out of their huddle and lines up to run down the field as someone kicks the football in our direction. My heart races as I see the ball spinning in the air towards me. I squint as the sun blinds me and shift back and forth to prepare to catch the ball. Just as the ball is almost in my grasp, a shadow passes in front of me. It's William. He catches the ball and takes off down the field.

I run with the rest of the team and try to help block but I'm just not as fast as everyone else. James breaks away from Eddie and heads straight for William but William doubles back and looks for an opening, giving me a chance to catch up. In a desperate attempt to prove my worth and save the day, I head straight for James.

All I see is the palm of his hand meet my face before I'm on my back, winded, and staring up at the clouds. I feel a twinge of pain and rub the scrapes on both my arms as I sit up and see that William made it halfway to the goal line before he was tackled. My team walks past me sitting on the ground and huddles again. I jump to my feet and stand on the outside of the circle. Since I'm on the outside, I can barely hear what the plan is before the conversation is over and we're to start the next play.

We all get in a straight line and prepare to run down the field again. Eddie calls the game into play as we tear down the field. No one bothers to cover me so I stand to the side, halfway to the goal line and wave my hands desperately at Eddie. _This is it_ , I think to myself. _This is my chance to prove myself. If I can make a touchdown then maybe they'll respect and accept me. Maybe they'll be my friends._

Eddie notices me waving my arms and looks around the field at our other teammates, but no one is free. He shrugs and throws the ball hard at me. I bite my bottom lip in concentration as the football spirals fast towards me. I reach my hands forward in anticipation of the ball but it's coming too fast. It slips past my outstretched fingers, pounds me hard in the chest, and falls to the ground. I failed. I feel the tears well in my eyes as the other team laughs and my team groans with anger. I refuse to let the tears fall though. I choke the emotion back and keep moving.

"What the hell, Eddie?" asks William. "Why would you pass the ball to the faggot?"

Eddie doesn't respond. Instead he just looks back and forth between me and William. The team comes together to play the third down and I stand next to Eddie. Tyrone walks up and pushes me to the side. He doesn't use his hands because then he would actually have to acknowledge me. Instead, he wedges his body in the space between me and Eddie, pushing me off-balance. I try to maintain my position next to Eddie but Tyrone turns to me and points a finger into my chest.

"Why don't you go play foursquare over there with the girls, gay boy?" he spits at me.

The entire team looks at me and I hear several of them agree. "Fine. Forget it," I say as I walk off the field.

I make my way to a secluded corner of the playground and sit in the shade underneath a huge tree. The tears are falling from my eyes before I make it to my destination. I wipe them away with the back of my hand as I sit on the ground at the base of the tree. When I sit, I feel something poke my thigh. I reach into my pocket and pull my two Power Ranger action figures out and smile. I forgot they were in there.

I sit quietly and play by myself. As the minutes roll by, I replay the events from earlier in my head and embarrassment sets in. What was I thinking? I can't believe I thought that I would fit in with those jerks. The recess bell tolls and after the sound of the ringing dissipates, I hear footsteps approaching from the other side of the tree. I turn to see Tyrone and William approaching me. I remain seated and stare at them as they walk up to me. Maybe they're here to apologize.

"See, that's why I didn't want you on my team in the first place," says William. "You're over here playing with your dolls where you should have been in the first place."

Tyrone laughs in agreement.

"They're not dolls," I say as I look them in their faces.

Tyrone reaches down and snatches the action figures from my hands. "Looks like dolls to me," he says and then he throws them over the fence into the woods behind the playground.

"Why did you do that?" I ask, standing from my place at the base of the tree. Those are my favorite toys and now they are gone. I can't tell Charlene because I will surely get in trouble, seeing as how I'm not allowed to bring toys to school.

My breathing becomes labored and I ball my hands into fists as I stare at the two bullies who are laughing hysterically until they see how angry I am. I look from William to Tyrone. I don't know what I'm thinking standing up to them like this. There's no way I could beat them in a fight. They are much taller, heavier, and stronger than me. They can easily toss me over the fence to be with my Power Rangers with one hand behind their backs.

Tyrone looks behind him as all the other kids are filing back into the school. He turns around with a grin and our eyes meet. My nostrils flare and I feel my nails digging into my palms. He steps toward me and I take a half-step backwards and look up at him. I don't even notice him move until I feel his fingers grip around my throat and I'm gasping for air. Amidst the ringing in my ears, I can hear William laughing in the background.

Tyrone lifts me off the ground by my throat and pushes my body against the tree. I try kicking him but it's no use. My hands grip his as they tighten around my throat. I catch a glimpse of the madness in his eyes before mine begin to roll back in my head. I try to scream but the sound can't escape from my mouth. I just kick and struggle, hoping that it will be over soon.

"Okay, that's enough," William says as he approaches and tries to free me from Tyrone's kung-fu grip. "We're gonna get in trouble. We need to get back to the classroom."

Tyrone drops me to the ground and I come down hard, scraping my knee on an exposed tree root. I cough and grasp at my throat, desperate to refill my lungs with oxygen.

"You better keep your little gay ass away from me," Tyrone sneers before they walk away.

I'm crying at this point and sitting at the base of the tree. I know I should go back to class but I don't care. I don't know how long I sit there and listen to the sounds of birds chirping and watching squirrels as they run back and forth along the tree branches. It must have been a long time because soon Mrs. Wilkins leans next to me and places a concerned hand on my shoulder. I still don't move.

"Russell, what are you doing out here alone? The recess bell rang fifteen minutes ago."

Devoid of all expression, I look at her and then back at the woods. I want to jump over the fence and just run away.

"Are you okay?" she asks. "What happened to your knee?"

"Nothing," I say as I stand and brush the dirt and grass from my clothes.

Mrs. Wilkins looks at me as if she doesn't believe me, but I don't care. "Let's get you to the nurse and so you can get cleaned up," she says.

* * *

I step off the school bus and walk to the small brick house on the corner of Harris and Pine Street. The roar of the engine fills my ears as the bus travels down the street and fades into the distance. I walk around to the back of the house and up the steps to the backdoor. I can hear the sounds of Charlene inside making dinner in the kitchen. The television is blaring and pots and pans clang together loudly. I knock softly at the door and moments later her image appears behind the screen.

"Hi Russell," she says as she unlocks the screen door and rubs the back of my head while I walk inside. "How was your day?"

"Okay," I say as I maintain my pace straight to my bedroom. I don't want her to start asking me questions about the scrapes and bruises on my arms and knees.

As I change out of my school clothes, I think about what happened earlier today. Tyrone and William called me gay and a faggot. I don't even know what those words mean. I entertain the idea of talking to Charlene about it.

I finish dressing and walk back into the kitchen. Charlene turns from washing dishes at the sink when she hears the bar stool slide from the edge of the counter. With several labored grunts, I rise to the top of the stool and sit down, placing my hands on the counter and looking at Charlene.

"Hey there," she says with a smile.

"Hi," I return the smile. "What are you making?" I ask, unable to ask the question to which I really wanted an answer.

"Shepherd's Pie. It's going to be delicious if I do say so myself." She walks to the stove, opens the oven, and takes a big whiff of the dish cooking inside. It does smell delicious.

"What does it mean to be gay and a faggot?" I ask while staring down at the counter. I hear the oven slam shut and when I lift my head, Charlene is staring at me.

"Where did you hear those words?" she asks.

"At school," I answer.

She places her hands on her hips and shifts her weight to one leg. "Where at school?"

"Some of the other boys called me that today," I say in embarrassment.

Charlene walks to my side of the bar and sits on the stool next to me. "Baby, don't worry about them. Children can be very cruel. They picked at me when I was your age too. You are most certainly not gay. God didn't make you that way."

"But what is it?" I ask in frustration.

"Gay means that you like boys."

I sit in silence while this new information processes. I look at Charlene and her facial expression denotes the seriousness of the conversation.

"You are not gay, do you hear me?"

"Yes ma'am," I reply.

"The Bible says that ' _man shall not lie with man_.' That is an abomination and I know for a fact that my child has not been cursed like that."

I don't understand everything but I feel comfort in the fact that Charlene is not convinced that I'm gay. If being gay means that I have to deal with what Tyrone and William put me through at school today, I'm not so sure that I would ever want to be gay. Who would want that willingly?

Charlene stands from her seat, kisses me on the forehead, and returns to the sink. I slide from my stool and head back to my room. The new information sinks into my brain. "I'm not gay," I whisper to myself.

END RUSSELL
ABOUT THE AUTHOR

TERRY J. BENTON, a debut novelist lives in Atlanta, GA. His first novel, Prelude To An Empire, can be purchased in print and digital format at Amazon.com or <http://www.createspace.com/3954005>. For more information about Terry and his work, please visit http://www.tjbenton.com.

Connect With Me Online:

Twitter: <http://twitter.com/TJBentonBooks>

Facebook: <http://facebook.com/TJBentonBooks>

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