I’m a married man with a kid,
but I’ll tell you this right now.
If I’ve learned anything in five
years of being married is
we’re always working on me.
I just think to myself, like,
“What could
my wife complain about?”
I fucking crush everything.
I pick up after myself,
I'd like to think I’m a good dad.
I work my ass off,
I make a great fucking living.
Crush all of that!
All she has on me
is who I am as a person.
My daughter has yet to meet
the real me.
She’s seen glimpses of me, like,
“Whoa! Daddy almost snapped
his phone in half!”
I feel like I can be brave
tonight and share this with you.
Robot sex dolls, they’re gonna
to fuck us into extinction.
Stephen Hawking, you never have
anything positive to say.
The #MeToo movement.
White male privilege. Hipsters.
I’m a male feminist.
By the way, this is going
to be my last show ever
by the time
this fucking thing comes up.
