- So, I don't know if you guys can tell,
but I am seven and a half months pregnant.
(audience applause)
Yeah, it's very rare and
unusual to see a female comic
perform pregnant because female
comics don't get pregnant.
(audience laughs)
Just try to think of one, I dare you.
There's none of them.
Once they do get pregnant
they generally disappear.
That's not the case with male comics.
Once they have a baby
they'll get up on stage
a week afterwards and they'll be like
guys, I just had this fucking baby.
That baby's a little piece of shit.
It's so annoying and boring.
And all these other shitty
dads in the audience
are like that's hilarious, I identify,
and their fame just
swells because they become
this relatable family
funny man all of a sudden.
Meanwhile the mom is at
home chapping her nipples
feeding the fucking baby
and wearing a frozen diaper
because her pussy needs to heal from
the baby's head shredding
it up, she's busy.
(audience laughs)
It's so sexist when people ask me well,
if you're here then who's
taking care of the baby?
Who the fuck do you think
is taking care of the baby?
(audience laughs)
The TV is taking care of the baby, okay?
(audience laughs)
I'm just waiting for the right moment
to like, become a housewife,
financially, you know?
I want my husband to get us to like,
a certain point financially.
I want to get to the
point as a couple where
I can comfortably afford sliced mango.
(audience laughs)
You know what I'm talking about?
I'm talking about that Whole Foods mango.
That $10 a box Whole Foods
mango that was sliced by white
people, that's the kind of
income bracket I'm striving for.
That's when you know you've made it,
when you're eating mango that was sliced
by a dude named Noah, I want Noah mango,
Rebecca kiwi, Danielle pineapple.
You know what else I want?
I want to be able to take
a stroll on a sidewalk,
see a quarter and just keep on walking.
(audience laughs)
Like a princess.
Our nanny is 62 years old.
Yes I would never accept anything
younger than 62 years old.
(audience applause)
If you are hiring a 25
year old pretty young thing
to be your nanny, you a dumb ass.
(audience laughs)
Do you not read People Magazine?
You don't know what's up?
That's inviting a marriage
grenade into your home.
(audience laughs)
When you have a newborn
baby, your marriage
is very weak because
you're both stressed out,
you look like shit because
you don't shower no more,
you're resentful of each other, who's idea
was it to bring this new
roommate into the world?
(audience laughs)
Your marriage is very vulnerable and easy
for an outsider to invade and colonize.
If we had hired a 25 year old man who was
not ugly
(audience laughs)
great with my daughter
and said yes immediately
to every chore I asked him to
do with a positive attitude
(audience laughs)
oh you best believe that I would eat
the shit out of his butt hole.
(audience laughs)
Everyday, everyday would
be an all day nanny
butt hole buffet, I don't
care if his 25 year old
butt cheeks got all
nervous and clenched up
and closed on my face like elevator doors
I would get in there and just.
(audience laughs)
Like Jack Nicholson in The Shining, just.
(audience laughs)
Lately I have been ruminating
a lot over this one time
I hooked up with this dude
and in the middle of kissing
I felt the responsibility to stop and say
hey, I should really let
you know now before we go
any further that I'm on my period.
And he was like oh, well,
then let's make a fucking mess Ally.
(audience laughs)
To this day that is
the most romantic thing
anybody has ever said to me.
I think about it when I feel
down and ugly and no good.
All I have to do is
remember that there was once
a man out there who
was willing to yank out
my tampon and replace it with his dick.
It made me feel beautiful.
Beautiful!
(audience applause)
There is nothing more
empowering and truly feminist
than what that man said that day.
That is straight up #imwithher.
(audience applause)
When my husband and I
were trying to have a kid
a lot of people were like
oh my God that's so hot.
You guys doing a lot of fucking?
No dude, that's shit you
do in your 20s, okay?
When you're in your 30s
and you've been trying
to get pregnant for a while
it gets very clinical.
You pee on these ovulation
strips that tell you when
the eggs are dropping, it tells
you when it's Easter time.
(audience laughs)
And I would only fuck him
when it was Easter time.
It was like only four
days out of the month
and outside of that I would
be like we're not fucking.
I need you to save it.
I want your sperm to be
as pent up and as angry
and rapey as possible so
that when they come out
it's like release the Kraken!
And they just come out like
a bunch of angry refugees
escaping a dictatorship, you know?
(audience laughs)
And yeah and most of the time
we wouldn't even have sex
because I was so tired
when I would come home
and see the smiley face
on the ovulation strip
and I'd be like okay it's go time,
and I would just give my husband
a hand job most of the time
and he would close his eyes immediately.
I know what that means, okay?
When somebody closes their eyes during sex
it's not because they're
in such ecstasy with you
that they need to close their eyes.
When somebody closes their eyes during sex
it's because they're literally
trying to shut the image
of your face out of their head and instead
project two Latina lesbians
that they saw earlier that day
on Red Tube onto the
back of their eyelids.
Which is fine by me
because then he doesn't
have to see the expression on my face
that says please hurry the fuck up.
And then when he was about
to finish I could always tell
because the indication is very universal
when a man is about to finish.
It's when they get that
stupid ass look on their face
where they look like they
just got bit by a zombie.
(audience laughs)
And then because we're
hippies I'd be like hey,
hey, please look me in the eye and
remember to cum with intention, okay?
And then I would jump on
him and hold onto his neck
and I would just twerk, twerk,
twerk the shit out of him
and do some of this shit
that I learned in Atlanta,
ha ha ha ha ha, and then
I would turn upside down
immediately afterwards
to make sure all of that
Harvard nectar would
just drain inside of me.
That's right because I
don't want to work anymore.
(audience laughs)
