So then they sent me down
to rehab.
20 miles outside of Miami.
That's not too frustrating.
I'm in rehab 20 minutes
from coke town.
And they have group therapy
in rehab,
and I got to register
a complaint.
The way they do group therapy
in rehab, it doesn't work.
It doesn't work, guys,
because what they do is
they make the people
in the group
give the therapy to
the other people in the group.
The counselor
doesn't do shit.
And what do I know
what to say to somebody?
It could ruin somebody's life.
I don't know what to say.
So this one group, there were
six of us in the group.
And the woman who was the
counselor was this woman, Angie.
She was, like, 400 pounds,
an enormous woman.
And she had a big cup of coffee
she used to rest on her stomach.
And one day a new guy
came in the group.
The guy's name was Juan.
This new guy's name was Juan.
And he sits down,
and Angie goes like this.
She takes a sip of the coffee
and goes,
"Juan, why don't you tell
the rest of the group
what brought you here today?"
So Juan gets up--My hand to God,
this is what Juan says.
"Listen, guys, don't judge me.
I'm not on the judgmental tip."
I don't know what that means.
That's what he said.
I'm not in the Wu-Tang Clan.
I don't know what that means.
But then this is what came out
of Juan's mouth verbatim.
"I kidnapped
my best friend's baby
and sold it for angel dust."
Then he sat down.
Juan said,
"I kidnapped
my best friend's baby
and sold it for angel dust."
Then he sat down.
Okay.
That was followed
by the longest pause
in the history of man.
Then this is exactly
what the counselor said.
Angie took a sip of coffee,
and she goes like this,
"Artie, feedback."
Feedback?
Feedback? What the [bleep]?
Feedback?
This guy should be playing chess
with Charles Manson.
Feedback?
What the [bleep] am I gonna say?
I don't know what to say
to this guy.
I failed gym.
I failed gym, okay?
It's not fair to Juan.
What I'm saying is
it's not fair to Juan.
I don't know what to say.
It's not fair to Juan.
But she wouldn't stop
looking at me.
So I got up, and look, I speak
in front of people for a living.
I was scared to death.
I got up, and I said,
"Listen, Juan"...
[laughter]
"We've all had shitty days."
"If I were you,
"I'd try as hard as I can
not to do that again."
