

---

Wilson

### KJ Boisson

### Copyright 2014 by KJ Boisson

### a Project Junkyard production

### Smashwords Edition

Get out of here.

Dedicated:

To those living without happiness, one day it will come and when it does, never let it leave.

To everyone who had the patience to stick around me, I needed you.

To my mother Cindy-Ann Jane, thank you. Really; thank you.

To Dayna, Dylan, Daniel, my family.

To Brittany, my spark.

To Luka, for giving me new life.

"Always appreciate the view; many never get the chance."

Get out of here.

Wilson

Some magician, mind-reader dude acting all cool approached me at the carnival. It was the annual county fair, the location looked as if it had been ravaged by a fire mere months before but they went ahead with it anyway. Everything seemed so bleak, it resembled a wasteland; there was the feeling of thin smog lingering over everything. I found it ironic that the Carnival of Life was going on. I sat away from everyone; not being a fan of crowds, too many variables. You never know when someone would try to talk to you and I couldn't take that risk. Magic-man obviously did not get that memo. He drew nearer to me. He thought he was all smooth, with his black painted finger nails, and his cape and long straight hair. To me he looked like he belonged in a circus, not surrounded by a gaggle of busty blondes hanging on to his every word and psychic reading. I guess some people had it that way with the ladies and others didn't. I never did. As he approached me I sat there judging him. Who even wears leather pants? I distractedly began staring at the chests of the girls surrounding him, would I ever be able to have what he had? My mind was always sporadic. In my distraction I hadn't realized how close he had gotten until he put his hand on my shoulder. I startlingly jerked and let out an embarrassing yelp. A unanimous round of female giggling ensued. That must be a personal record I thought, I didn't even say anything and they already laughed at me. The "psychic" hushed them and stared at me.

"Let me read your mind" he said way too confidently; the air of someone who spent lots of time building his own ego. I wondered if this was how he naturally dressed and carried himself or if it was some type of act. Had he seen a mirror? I wondered if I was about to be the center of some type of joke. Why me? I wasn't bothering anybody.

"Let me demonstrate a reading!" he pressed again after he realized I had zoned out.

"You... you don't wanna go in there," I was able to mumble out eventually. I was fairly certain that the guy in front of me was a phony. He reeked of mustard, hair spray and one other very unfamiliar scent; I guessed it was some shitty perfume. The combination was putrid. I assumed the ladies with him were either paid escorts, deluded druggies, or were distracted by the thickness of the man's make-up. Why was the smell not bothering them? Truthfully, I had no definite opinion on whether or not I believed in psychics. But apart from the fact that I hated just about any kind of public confrontation, I didn't like the idea of someone seeing me so naked, I was mortified. I had been through some things, I knew for a fact, that my mind was not a safe place. I did my best to stay out of it myself; I was not exactly sure it would be a good idea for a complete stranger. He was speaking but I was consciously aware that I was in a daze, lost in thought, paralyzed with fear as the thought crossed my mind that another person could be able to see the monstrosity I called my conscience.

"Hey kid, are you listening to me? I'm not taking no for an answer," he was beginning to get pushy, he seemed relentless.

After a pause, I swallowed heavily.

"Okay but it's a waste of time," I said nervously, adding in a half laugh, half scoff so it could seem like I was calm. The sound that emerged was more of a scared snort. Thankfully my dark complexion prevented the showing signs of blushing; I didn't want to sink even lower in front of the girls. Right now I guessed they viewed me as a solid three, any lower and I would have no shot! I cracked myself up sometimes, I knew there would be no shot regardless but a guy can dream. The magic-man placed his hand on my temple; I had concluded that there would be no deterring him, so allowing him to run his ritual and leave me alone as soon as possible would be the next best option. I had also concluded that he was a phony anyway so he would say something generic and I would act amazed. Even though I basically hated his existence (mainly for the glitter patterns on his shirt), I would try to make him look cool in front of the girls, he better get lucky tonight I thought, for me. I missed the first bits of the prophetic spew but when I finally tuned back in he was saying things like "You have an ill relative in your family; you are having money problems, blah blah blah." As I was sporting a breast cancer awareness wristband and dressed in torn and tattered jeans and shoes I was not surprised at the so called predictions which were basically just inferences from limited information.

"Whoa," I managed to spit out semi-enthusiastically. I felt like a wingman. I began to notice though, during a period of his silence, that he was beginning to sweat, as if he was having trouble with the information he was receiving. He reached for his back pocket and withdrew an item. My chest tightened and I could almost feel my eyes dilate. All moisture had vanished from my mouth and there was a tensing, stiffing sensation in my neck and upper body. It took all my power to keep my stomach from practically leaping out of my throat. Before I could respond from my shock and horror, he began speaking in foreign tongues, his eyes rolled back in his head and his nose began to drip; not snot, not blood, but instead a blackish liquid that resembled old car oil. My already wide eyes widened even more. The magic-man began shrieking hysterically; his hand, although pale in complexion now resembled that of someone very sickly but he still clutched the copper, round, coin-like item firmly. The girls began screaming hysterically; I had seen this before. As the girls ran away flailing and yelling, all I could do was stay seated on the wooden barrel and stare; trapped by fear. This couldn't be possible I remember myself thinking. I began to grow cold, and magic-man's shrieking sounded distant, like it was coming from a performance further off in the Carnival that was still taking place in the area. I remember I could feel my heart beat slowing and my mind beginning to float. I was standing on a cloud looking down at everything; looking down at myself. Finally some relief from my thoughts I grinned as if in a state of dazed relaxation. I slumped backwards off my seat on top of the barrel and into the shrubs around me; everything darkened and then blacked out. I was unconscious.

My name is Jamie Wilson, and this is my story.

***

"Sharon!" my father barged through the door.

It was about seven o clock on a Tuesday evening. He reeked of whiskey and onion rings. His shift at work ended about three hours ago. Only three hours of drinking today, he must have been running low on money, or he was kicked out of the pub, or he was chased by a bear, or he thought he was in the restroom or this was an illusion, I thought. My father never left the pub after three hours. What a role model.

"Sharon, come here where are you?" he stumbled and slurred like a man who had just had a couple drinks which was impressive because I knew he had more than just a couple. The man could hold his liquor. He could probably drink everything in the bar if he could afford it. What a role model.

He never acknowledged me, I always wondered if this was good or bad. Surely my mom Sharon wished she wasn't the center of attention. She was very soft-spoken. I sometimes forgot what she sounded like for periods at a time. My mother was in the kitchen making dinner, the same place she stood every day, the same place my father found her every day. I always wondered why he always called for her; short term memory loss maybe. We lived in a small townhouse. The kitchen was very visible from the entrance to the living room where my father so gracelessly entered, every day.

"Sharon you bitch you never answer me!" he walked over to her and rubbed her arms. She tensed up. It was like clockwork. He kissed her neck, she tensed even more.

"You missed me today darling?" he would say something sweet but the phrase wasn't always the same. He genuinely had sweet phrases sometimes. I never understood why. He pushed whatever she was holding onto the counter and became aggressive; never paying any attention to the smashing plates or ruined dinner foods. He was oblivious to everything except the woman before him. What a role model.

It was back to clockwork. He grabbed her, and he pushed her, and he hit her. He would hike her clothes up, and bend her over the kitchen counter and have his way with her. He would push her against the walls and have his way with her. He would slap her and choke her and spit on her and have his way with her. Sometimes he would turn to me and say things "this is what she gets for being so stupid" or "all women deserve this" or some other humiliating, foul phrase, all while having his way with her. What a role model.

My mother just always submitted and took the treatment. No fight, no resistance. She was his blank canvas to release all his anger or whatever sick and twisted emotion he was feeling that particular day. I sat there on the living room floor. I sat there reading on the living room floor. I sat there helplessly, on the living room floor. Books were always there for me. They didn't judge me for being helpless. I read a lot; it helped me ignore the real world. It helped me ignore my reality. It helped me ignore what was going on in front of me. The emotions, if they could be called that, felt in those moments are hard to explain. Some days I would be angry, some days I would be afraid, but all days I would be numb. So I just sat there, and watched as my drunk of a father abused my mother. He got off on the power he possessed, on the way he controlled her, the way she subdued without resistance. What a role model.

When he was done he would grunt and get off and walk away, and usually fall right asleep on the couch until dinner was served, he was like a fucking savage. This was my mom's chance to stab him! But of course she never would. Many nights he wouldn't even stay awake for dinner. The man just needed alcohol and aggression to survive; very low maintenance. What a role model.

It was a recurring theme in my house. I was 16 and I already pitied my father. He was a burly, scruffy man; his features, rough and jagged. His clothes were usually dirty and torn from working in the steel factory. He had this severe cough, I guess from the poor working conditions that made him sound like he could drop of lung cancer at any moment. I wouldn't mind. In many of the books I had read, he would be perfect for the shitty villain character. He would get mad and call me a faggot for reading all the time, I was never the tough son he wanted I guess. I know he was ashamed of me because he used to say that if it belonged to him he would control it however he saw possible. I belonged to him but he never hit me though. Actually one time I tried to talk to him about books and received a swift slap to the back of the head. I rationalized that by saying maybe he couldn't read; maybe he was just jealous of me you know? Despite the pity I also hated him, on occasion. He would be passed out on the recliner, and I would look up from my book and find myself day dreaming about bashing his head with a rock or some other blunt object. Those impulses, although fleeting, were compelling. Once, subconsciously, I even picked up a nearby ashtray. But of course I never would. Despite all the violence done to me, I had never committed a violent act myself. My mother I loved but I pitied her too. She was a very petit woman. Her red hair and freckled skin made her seem younger than she was, her kind eyes made people at ease, her soft-spoken voice didn't gain her much respect; I had seen how people interact with her. In many of the books I had read she would be perfect for the victim character. I wished she would just snap one day and poison my father's meals. But she never would. Despite the pity I also hated her, on occasion. I felt like I got my helplessness from her. I just wished she would retaliate one day and it would fuel me but the day never came. She was just a rag doll.

It was midnight, I had fallen asleep in my book and my father wanted me to get away from my gay book and go to bed. "Jamie, wake up and go get me a beer, then get to your room." What a role model.

I hated going to bed. I hated being at home; the shelter was almost not worth the conditions. Several times I contemplated running away. I stayed because even with what I had to look to at home, I was safe there. But there was school. Oh how I hated school.

***

"Wake up faggot! Time for school!" How affectionate. My father was a very efficient alarm clock he would never let me stay away from school. He was a firm believer in the system for some reason but he seemed to barely be educated himself. He believed that school would steer me in the direction he wanted, to be more like him.

"My old man never let me miss school and look how I turned out!" he would brag. I would gag at the thought of that. School was repulsive enough; I didn't need the image of me being like him in my head. Like clockwork he woke me at seven. As much as I hated getting out of bed, I shuddered at the thought of what he would be like if I disobeyed him so I dragged my limbs from under my covers and sluggishly, unwillingly, reluctantly found myself downstairs. Breakfast was always the same, porridge and dry toast. Didn't we have any actual food? The breakfast table was always supercharged with tension. No one spoke. It was oddly eerie. Every now and then father would cough his hacking, near-death cough. I was always tempted to crack some jokes, I always thought I was particularly funny but I didn't think they would appreciate my humor. I never spoke. The atmosphere continued to the van on the way to the bus stop. Here I was 16 years old and every spoken interaction I could remember of me and my father could probably fit on one page, wide ruled, double spaced, size 18 fonts. Thankfully I was very good at zoning out. The radio was always on some talk show and the chatter was occasionally shattered by that deadly cough; it kept it from being completely silent. With every cough it seemed as if the grim reaper got closer to him. Right now it must be hanging out in the backseat of the car. As he dropped me at the gates, I thought I heard him attempt to say something. Involuntarily my heart skipped a beat, and my eyes widened. I would have been happy if he said have a good day, I would have even settled with a "see ya later faggot".

*Cough* *Cough* *Spit* and he peeled off. I hung my head and walked to class. I really didn't know what I expected; through the hate and pity I guess there were some rays of hope that maybe things could change. As I walked to class I wondered how I would feel if he died that day and I never saw him again. I wondered if I would feel remorse. Probably not, I rarely ever felt emotions. The last time I felt anything would have been...

"Jamie! Wait up!" my buddy Daniel came running up to me. It was comical to see him run, he was just as skinny as I was and similar height but unlike me he cared about school so his backpack was twice as big. It jumped up and down on his back, threatening to tear at the strap with every lunge forward. A dark-skinned Spanish kid, he came from wealth but for some reason he ended up in the same social circle as me in high school. I belonged in it; he just didn't belong anywhere else so he fell in. I use the term "social circle" very loosely. Daniel had a knack for popping up just when I was about to delve deep into my conscious, at least in school anyway. I liked Daniel; he was my escape from myself.

"Did you watch the game last night? The Jets look good this year dude." He was really into sports, but he would never understand that I never watched a sport event in my life. Unless Harry Potter quidditch counts, but if not then I'm at zero. He didn't care though, he didn't care that we were different. Either that or he didn't realize, either way I liked having him around. He was the type of kid that enjoyed the sound of his own voice. I rarely needed to contribute, and I learned a lot from him because unlike what I did for most people I never zoned out with him. I learnt that day in particular that Geno Smith threw for two hundred passing yards and had two touchdowns. Whatever that meant it seemed significant.

"Sounds cool dude, see you after school!" we parted ways and I walked toward my class. Even though I never had much to say to him he always seemed excited to see and be near me. It was a custom I was not used to but oddly liked. I only saw Daniel before and after class, I wished he was a bigger part of my school day. In my mind I regularly tortured people with my imagination, of course they would never know but it was satisfying to me. Maybe if Daniel was around more some of them would be saved.

As I entered class they were all dressed as clowns and performers. I had on a purple, felt ring leader's outfit, complete with white leather gloves, a wooden pharaoh-head cane and a black top hat. A huge round tent was erect, purple and orange drapes hung everywhere, spotted with yellow stars, the arena was a dazzling sight to behold. The circus was in full swing and they all jumped, skipped and danced at my command. The teacher of my first period class was hanging from the ceiling, twirling in and out of some drapery; the football jocks all had on white tutus and were spinning on their toes to the beat of my orchestra, I lashed my whip particularly in their direction. There were elephants there; creatures of majesty. I was the puppet master and everyone danced to my beat. The teacher messed up, she was not wearing a harness; she began spiraling towards the ground. All heads looked up and gasped. The fall of my teacher to the unforgiving, unyielding surface beneath was fascinating to the on lookers but therein lay the illusion, this was not supposed to be happening. The applause was deafening. They began cheering my name, "Wilson, Wilson!"

"Wilson!" the teacher called my name for roll call snapping me back to reality.

"Pay attention!" she said, "you are delaying the roll call and the class."

The daydreams were getting out of hand. Yesterday they were all seals I was training for an exhibition. What would be next? The thought thrilled me. I despised reality and retracting back into my own mind was my getaway. I sat back in my seat, sunken, solemn. Imagine, 8 o' clock in the morning bright and early, the sun proud high in the sky waving at me and I sat low in my seat sulking at it. All around outside, life was vibrant and colorful, but we were confined inside these four walls. I mean if I could do what I wanted I wouldn't be outside enjoying the sunlight anyway but it gives me something extra to complain about so why not. Even worse for me though, I had to be inside around these idiots who thought that their opinions and brand name t-shirts made them more important than the next person. When would they learn? This was first period, and the subject was Theories of the World. What a horrible class to be in. I would take death at the stake, if that was an option; over listening to these pompous kids speak their mind on the way the world works. . On occasion, hearing this girl named Carrie speak, had literally raised my blood pressure. She had this voice that I bet could be used to withdraw information from the most hardened criminals. It was indescribable; she had actually given me a nose bleed once just by telling her story of her summer.

"I don't give any change to the homeless because they don't deserve it. My parents worked hard for this money and they don't do anything but beg and nag. Like, why don't they just get a job or something?" said Carrie on this particular day.

Now I don't claim to be a wizened master of the universe by any means but I had really wanted Carrie to just run and throw her body out of the third floor window on that particular day. The thought made me laugh a little. I hated her. I needed to get out of here. I watched the clock every five seconds or so. I kept expecting the hands to jump forward. Austin, a clean-shaven preppy looking kid was sharing his thoughts on the current upgrades in technology with his phone and what was wrong with it; I wanted him to follow Carrie out of the third floor window. I needed to get out of here. The buzzer rang just as I heard Carrie ask Austin come over later to help with her phone. They were flirting; the sexual subtext was obvious and hurt my tummy. What if they reproduced? I hoped her house was three stories and they both jumped out the window. I needed to get out of here.

The passing period where we got to walk from class to class zoomed by, but each class afterward crawled. Each class a harsh reminder of the last, and an even harsher nudge of what was to come next. After four classes, lunch came around and I enjoyed a brief escape from the routine. Unfortunately, Daniel was in a different lunch than I was. But nevertheless, I enjoyed lunch. I didn't have many skills in life but I did have one that I really prided myself on. I was a great social observer and judge. I sat in a tree in the middle of the courtyard with my daily peanut butter sandwich and cast my verdict on everyone beneath me. I would sometimes pretend I was a director and these people were my actors. I would make up script for them on the spot as they interacted with each other. This was my daily solace; it kept me in balance and it made school somewhat less suicidal. I gave people fake names and situations based on what I was feeling that day and today Vandaveon, the basketball captain was sharing rhymes from his latest rap mix tape it looked like.

" Wassup Wassup, you boys and girls better hush up before I knock you out and pick you up and..." he stopped rapping. He wasn't very good. I wouldn't be buying his mix tape.

He was the king of the 'it' crowd, the epitome of a high school success story. No real character and his life goal of winning homecoming king had already been achieved. He was at his peak. I had no idea what I wanted to do out of high school but I had hoped I wasn't at my peak. All the kids around him probably only liked his jump shot and his six foot six inch stature. They were to blame for how he was really, it was their fault, and they created him. I hated them. I decided for no reason that he also probably needed to shower.

On the other side of the courtyard were the outcast kids. These were the kids who didn't outwardly fit in so they made it a point to outwardly stand out. I hated them too. The polka dot leggings, the purple shoe laces and the rainbow colored hairstyles were all unnecessary to me. They wanted to be different but they were all following one another; the irony. The idea of being an individual was severely warped. It seemed like they were trying to make a statement with their dress and behavior to show the world '"hey we are different! And we will be noticed!"' They thought the world was paying attention. When would they learn? One kid dressed in all orange, took center stage as they were all sitting cross legged in a circle. It seemed as if they were having some sort of important procession. I was way too excited for him to speak so I could make up a dialogue. He brushed the dirt off of his hands and began to speak emphatically.

"I have gathered you all here today to speak to you on a discovery I had made this weekend. Orange pants. I had no idea that these existed, or why one would even ever wear them. But alas, I however went to the store with my mother and tried them on just for giggles and from there on I have not been able to take them off. I have since showered with them, on thrice occasion. Am I crazy for wearing these? Yes. Do I look stupid? Yes. But will I be rejected by the cheerleader girls again? Probably, yes. But it doesn't matter because my freaking jeans are bright orange. I digress." They clapped and he sat down. I had way too much fun with that one. I needed to get out of here.

The rest of the day, as usual, was spent with me being overly negative and pessimistic about everything that happened. There was a blah blah here and a something else there, a typical insignificant school day. I walked into my last class of the day, psychology; the circus from earlier was in full swing again. My ringleader gear was fresher, my demeanor more commanding. Instead of a whip and a cane I had a magic wand and an assistant in tight red spandex. She was a sight to behold by herself but all attention was on me as I orchestrated the madness. One of my jock puppets was on the receiving end of a knife throwing trick. I instructed the thrower to perform a blindfold throw that he had not practiced. The atmosphere became thick as everyone anticipated my command. I could hear the heartbeats of the audience and the heavy breathing of the strapped down puppet as my assistant brought the knife over to be launched. The crowd roared!

"Whack!" I was hit in the head in real life. Red in the face I snapped back to my reality. Kevin Stud had just walked by me. He had delivered a swift smack to the back of my head as he passed my seat to get to his. I was not surprised, nor was I offended, this was a regular occurrence. He sat diagonally behind me. He was a very talented athlete on varsity Football and Baseball. I was the kid who didn't gawk at his high school talents. He ran the school and I ran from the school. We were destined to foil each other. Oddly enough, he was the puppet I had imagined on the receiving end of my aforementioned knife trick. Actually I guess that's not odd, he was born for that part. If I were to write a book, he would play the jock character that suffers unfortunately in the end. I had not a violent bone in my body but I always knew that if I received one, it would be used on him. Even before my father and that's saying a lot. I plotted his death in my head daily, it was an unhealthy situation. I needed to get out of here.

He hated me for another reason too. I was smarter than him. Actually I was smarter than everyone, I came to school with no books and a poor excuse for a bag but I knew it all. As much as I hated the establishment of school, it came easily to me. Maybe that's why I unfairly considered them idiots. No, they were actually idiots. Poor and effortlessly smart; I was meant to be hated by him. It was almost his job to punch me and put me in lockers. He despised how easily school came to me, and because of that I flexed my knowledge in this particular class. His veins would pulse the more I belittled everything he said, and that fueled me to do it even more. Father would be proud I was being active in school. Actually, my father had never cared about me doing well in school, he just wanted me to attend, I didn't understand why. My father was an idiot... I digress. Every time Stud raised his hand I chuckled, every time he spoke I giggled and every question he asked I straight out laughed. He was not used to not being alpha and I did my best to make sure he was uncomfortable. Of course it would secure my beating after school but it was usually worth it. I toyed with his insecurities of not being the child his father expected him to be. Was it morally wrong? Yes. Should I leave him be? Yes. But I wouldn't. It felt too good; my entire day of frustration all taken out in one moment. It was the long piss to the end of my two hour car ride. It was what I imagined orgasms felt like. Maybe that's an exaggeration but you get the point. No one in class outwardly appreciated it either; how dare I insult their high school hero? But I felt like they appreciated me on a more private level. Not all of them could be in love with the guy right? Surely I wasn't the only one who could see he was nothing more than a solid throwing arm and a bulging bicep. Or at least I imagined so. The bell rang and class ended, he was looking at me just as menacingly as usual. I needed to get out of here.

I entered into the hallway after class and began to walk, I knew Stud was near me and it was impossible to try to run in the crowd, so I just kept my head down and hoped for the best. He shoved me into a nearby garbage can. The contents of it spilled everywhere, I got a dirty look from the nearby janitor and I heard the hallway erupt in laughter. I was relieved, that wasn't too bad. The great Stud had shown me mercy, how generous of him. I made a note to humiliate him in my next day dream. I jumped off of the bin and brushed off the garbage that clung to me. I didn't even take note of who had seen me, their opinion wouldn't matter anyway. They had every reason to laugh; I made a note to humiliate all of them in my next day dream also. Oh they were going to feel it!

Daniel met with me in our usual after school spot. He had the same enthusiastic smile as he did at the beginning of the day. He was immune to the negative effects of school.

"How was your day buddy?" he would always ask me. Every day he would ask me how my day was.

"Awful" I would say, every day.

"Oh well tomorrow will be better" he replied, every day. He was so optimistic, I felt bad for him, he was deluded and mislead but if that kept him happy then so be it. Daniel didn't understand poverty, he didn't understand negativity, and he didn't understand what my life was really like. Everything in his life was good and bright, he wasn't even fazed by the fact that he was always bullied in school. He always had something to say like '"oh they were just having a bad day"' or '"they were just being friendly and that's how they show it"'. One time the basketball kids lifted him and left him on top of the basketball hoop while it was erect, knowing full well that the 5 foot 5 inch kid wouldn't be able to jump down. He told me that day that it was their way of telling him to join the basketball team. The season had been over. He said he would try next year. He didn't see the darkness in the world. Unlike me; I saw enough for the both of us.

Daniel and I sat on adjacent thrones, both of us dressed in majestic purple garments. We were in an arena, designed like that of the Ancient Romans; there were thousands of seated fans. I was a king and Daniel a noble. The action taking place in the center of the arena was organized by me. Three people at a time stood in the middle, each with a wooden bat in hand and surrounded by three lions. The game was called raw meat and basically it was a test to see how long one could stay without being mauled by the vicious, unfed kings of the jungle. The only thing achievable was a survival time record. It stood at 17 minutes. Death, however, was certain.

Today the three contestants were Kevin Stud, Vandaveon and Orange Pants. They were an amusing bunch. Turns out that even the toughest football players, tallest basketball players and the most attention seeking people all turn into cowards when surrounded by drooling lions. Who would have thought? I clapped my hands for the games to begin and the lions lurched.

"Wilson!" I was brought out of my day dream. It was just getting to the good parts I complained to myself; I would finish it at home that night. It was our friend Jade.

"Daniel! What's up guys?" Jade was our only other friend. She was a tall, slender, red-haired, freckle-faced girl. She was pale in complexion but not like a ghost, like an angel. Her features were soft and kind and inviting and pure. She was exceptionally beautiful. She met with us after school on Tuesdays because it was her day off of all her school activities. She was so involved with school I felt bad for her, I didn't understand why anyone would want to spend extra time with these idiots. Her parents never even forced her; it was a phenomenon to me that she just willingly did extra. Maybe she wasn't human.

We went to the skate park. We always went to the skatepark. It was our Tuesday spot. I loved skating; it was one of my many escapes. I had gotten a skateboard from an aunt a couple years ago, it was beaten and used but it worked so I worked it. I could skate for hours and we usually did. Daniel didn't skate; he sat on the sides somewhere and usually just looked on. On occasion he would clap and yell when either I or Jade landed anything remotely impressive. Daniel was the definition of loyalty and we both appreciated it. I showed off for him because a part of me liked the attention, but truthfully I also liked showing off for Jade. It was the one day I got to really spend time with her and it was my favorite time. She skated around in the flood light, her red hair flowing behind her like a smooth trail of fire.

*Kick* *Push*.

She always wore her hair out at the skate park which I always considered a hazard but she said it made her feel like a rebel, she was fearless.

*Kick* *Push*.

In school she was popular, top of the food chain. She was president of this and vice president of that and public relations officer for another. She ran track and was homecoming queen. She had life figured out I thought. Sometimes I wondered why she hung out with us, maybe it was a charity project she was working on to donate her time to the less popular, the losers. As she glided around on her skateboard I couldn't help but stare. She was the perfect put together of a human being.

*Kick* *Push*.

She had a clumsy skater technique that made it look like she may fall at any time but she stayed up, she was so graceful. The universe would never permit her to fall. I was again on a throne, but by myself this time. Jade was dancing for me, trying to win me over. It was a sultry dance, more like a seduction than a performance, I was king and she wanted to be my queen, there were many candidates but I was falling for her. I snapped myself back to reality; that one would definitely be finished later I sneakily thought. Jade had rolled over to me and challenged me to a game of SKATE, which is when one has to replicate another's tricks and any failure would be the addition of a letter. Finishing the word meant you lost. Quite like the skater version of HORSE or hangman perhaps. We played this game quite often and although I was the superior skater I had never won, I couldn't let myself. One time I even tried, and almost involuntarily I couldn't manage it. The universe would never let her fail. Like everyone else in my life she would never know what was taking place in my mind, I knew it was a filthy place so I kept it private, especially from her. She would never know how I saw her. The most perfect human in the world. She beat me once again in SKATE.

"Haha you lose again sucker" she teased. I faked a laugh and complimented her on how great she was of a skater. She was something else. Daniel and I walked her home and she told us how great of friends we were. I couldn't understand what I felt when we dropped her home that night, or any night usually for that matter, but I knew it was the worst part of my day. I always wished to stay an extra hour at the park but she had to be home. Daniel and I parted ways and I hurried home to finish my day dreams before my father got home that night.

*Kick* *Push*.

That night however, I would not get to finish my filthy imaginations. I walked up to my driveway and my father's car was already parked there. I wondered in my head what he would have to say tonight, and how aggressive he would get. I rarely ever came home after him. Would he even notice tonight? He wouldn't.

I walked into the house and my father was on the couch where he usually sits, his usual pose, and usual scent of whiskey and onion rings. Mum was sitting on the opposite couch, staring. I'm not sure if it was at him or through him; her eyes were empty, like a Dementor from Harry Potter had visited and sucked all the happiness from her soul. That wasn't the only thing different throughout the house. There was an eerie feeling as though a spirit or so had visited. I walked in further to get a better view and realized what was off. My father had foam at his mouth and his eyes had rolled back in his sockets. He sat still, not the kinds of still you see when someone is paralyzed or asleep. This was a different stillness. This was a fatal stillness. His respiratory system had shut down. His chest was not rising and falling. There was no oxygen going through his lungs. He had stopped breathing. The Grim Reaper from the backseat of the car that morning had come and finally gotten his arms around his throat. That was actually my exact thought process. Not sure what it was that was causing me to think like that but it was now happening. I had put together the scene pretty quickly. My father had come in and gone through his regular aggressive abuse routine judging by the mess scattered in the kitchen, then he sat on the couch to wait for dinner where he must have had respiratory failure. My mother, still in shock after noticing, sat on the opposite couch with his dinner still in her lap. I had no idea what she was thinking but she seemed just as dead; except her chest moved. I could tell she hadn't moved since she sat there and realized my father was dead; so I called an ambulance. I felt like a detective. Then I was back to reality. Just this morning I wondered what would happen if I had never seen him again and now I was experiencing it firsthand. I stood there, silently, looking at his motionless body. The Grim Reaper was still around; he must be sitting right next to him on the couch. The air was stiff, death was in the air. You could feel it.

I felt hot and cold at the same time. I had never felt emotion where my father was concerned really. Well apart from fear, hatred, pity but they were usually coated in numbness and now I felt a host of others. Regret was very present; because I never yelled at him and told him what a piece of shit he was, and never got back at him for all he had done to me and my mother. The rest of them were there but I focused in on the regret, it was all I wanted to feel. It was the kind that pulsed through your body and made you furious. My heart rate began to increase. Now he would never know that I hated him.

"Ahhh!" at that moment I snapped and struck out and slapped him hard across the face. I believe I was in shock. Some of the foam had dropped onto his shirt and his head had rolled a bit from the force but he remained motionless. I guess my mind entertained a brief fantasy that he would awaken after being hit so I could tell him everything on my mind. I stood back and dropped to my knees. I wept. He would never know that I made fun of a bully in school, he would never see me graduate, and he would never see me get a girlfriend or any of those other life achievements that fathers are supposed to be proud of their sons for achieving. Who was going to teach me to drive? Who was going to teach me about sex? Who was going to teach me to shave? I began to hate my situation even more and as I looked at my still dazed mother I felt resentment. I resented the fact that my father was gone and didn't have to suffer with us any longer. The ambulance arrived and tried to speak to my mother. She was unresponsive. They asked me to explain what happened so I did, they asked me to sign a form so I did, and they asked me if I wanted to come to the hospital; I didn't. I didn't even feel like I ever got off of the floor through all that, I was on autopilot. I had just lost a man in my life that I deeply despised while he was alive; so why did I feel pain? I realized that no matter how I looked at it, I had just lost my father.

***

The following days were a whirl and a blur. I went through the motions of school even more than usual. I had to begin to walk to school because my dead father couldn't drive me. My mother had never learnt how to drive. She had married my father before learning and had never bothered. She never anticipated anything like this; no one did. I barely spoke when I saw Daniel, he knew something was wrong but I never told him, and he never pried. He didn't know what was going on inside but he knew how to handle it on the outside. I found myself not even hating anyone or judging anyone. I had nothing to live for, it was just a daze. Time just existed; it didn't go forward, as it was supposed to. Eight in the morning felt the same as eight at night. I contemplated nothing, I imagined nothing and I said nothing. His funeral was the following Monday, I hadn't told Daniel or Jade, I didn't really want them meeting my family. There was no need for them to come.

As I sat in the park and looked around, I counted about 17 people there. I did not know who was who; I assumed workers and close family. I had never met any of them. For thanksgiving and Christmas he would usually find himself at the local pub, no one ever visited. I wondered who really wanted to be there and who was obligated to come. The sea of black clothing looked oddly fitting. I had never been to a funeral I had no idea what to expect. I sat there twiddling my thumbs waiting for the man in the middle wearing curtains to say something. I was aware they weren't actually curtains but that's what they resembled and not knowing what they were called I labeled them curtains. He was labeled curtain-man. Curtain-man was old and he looked wise, there was no way he knew my father. It looked like he was going to speak or read from the book he carried. I wondered what he would say. I wondered if he wrote it; it looked like it. The only time I had seen someone address crowds live was in class when the teacher was lecturing and I was hoping I wasn't in for some kind of lesson. My mind began to wander and I became vaguely aware of tears rolling down my eyes. What was happening to me? I was unfamiliar with this feeling of sentiment and sorrow. Why did I miss this man? I looked at my mum to make sure she was unaware of my tears, she seemed lost. A similar look in her eyes as the one she had when she sat on the couch adjacent to my lifeless father just a week before. I wiped my eyes and the tears subsided but my head was pounding. Curtain-man began to speak but the thump going on in my head blocked it out. I was hoping no one else was hearing this. My brow furrowed and even though it was a cool day I began to show beads of sweat. Why did my father have to die like that? I was torn. A part of me wanted to get one chance to put him through what he put my mother through, to have the guts to talk back to him when he would call me names, to wake him up in the middle of the night swinging a baseball bat to his knee caps screaming '"anarchy!"'. Another part of me wanted him to take me to his job and show me what he did for a living, to teach me how to change brakes on a car, how to hunt animals, to hear his last words. The mix of emotions was equally intense and strange. I didn't know consciously what I wanted to feel more. This was a man who had beaten and humiliated my mother relentlessly in front of me; a man who verbally and emotionally abused me, yet I was seeing images of me kneeling next to him shooting a rifle at some nearby game. Was he right when he said I would be just like him? Was I going to be a monster? I wanted to hate him deep down I really did but I could only miss him. The tears returned. I knew consciously what I wanted to feel more. Curtain-man had wrapped up his monologue and the actual burial had begun. The casket was being lowered into the grave. I was able to contain myself up till that point; when the first set of dirt was thrown into the hole to begin covering him I spewed and sputtered and coughed and the tears stopped rolling and began streaming. I was overcome with grief. Something overcame me that caused me to lose control of my reservations. I jumped up and into the hole meant for the burial and knelt on the half covered casket and began to try to uncover it. I vaguely heard gasps from the small crowd. Instantly I was picked up by one of the men and thrown over a shoulder. As I hung helplessly over this man's shoulder I wished I could go back in time. I wanted to get to meet the man I once hated; but I had lost my chance. From my position, everything was inverted. The trees were in the sky and the birds were on the ground. The sensation made me fuzzy; things began to spin until altogether everything went black. I was unconscious.

I was walking through the woods. I could only see in about a five foot radius. My hands were in my pockets trying to protect myself from the frostbite that was creeping up. There was no snow around me but it was definitely below freezing, the kind of cold that hurt physically. I vaguely felt a presence around. It was just a feeling though, I knew I was actually alone wherever I was. Or I thought so at least. Every now and then I would see the silhouette of what was present. It was the shape of a man. Every time I got close to recognizing any actual features it disappeared. I was hallucinating. Eventually I just stood motionless, I no longer tried to venture into these woods and no longer did I try to find my way out. I just stood staring into blackness and observing my own breath. An odd calm crept over me. I was aware that I was starving, freezing, lost and of a host of other imminent dangers that threatened me; but here I was, calm and at peace. Oddly I felt as if I had found my happy place. The silhouette came into focus and I squinted to try to better see what it was. It was definitely a man but every feature was completely in the shadow. I felt its stare on me. It was what was keeping me calm.

When I awoke I was laying in my bed in my room, still wearing the clothes I had worn earlier at the funeral. I became aware that I was gripping a scarf in my right hand. It was a mossy green scarf with a yellow emblem stitched on the middle of it. It was older than I was and it showed in the amount of threading and stains that were visible. It was the only gift I had ever received from my father. It was all I had to tangibly remember him by. His initials, I assumed, R.W. were engraved on it. I didn't know what they stood for. All my life I knew him as just my father and had never heard anyone call him by his first name. I decided it would be Ronald. No I didn't like that. It would be Regis. I got out of bed and wrapped the scarf around my neck and began to walk downstairs. Halfway down and I turned back to my room and put the scarf under my pillow. It was way too itchy and also felt like it would completely fall apart at any moment. I wanted to keep it safe. I left my room and halfway down the stairs I turned back again. I decided to change my clothes from my all black funeral attire. Attempt number three at going downstairs was almost successful until I realized I hadn't put pants on after changing. My mind was not cooperating I concluded. I got all the way downstairs on attempt four. I wanted to see my mother; her name I knew.

Sharon Jade Wilson. She had been a woman of few words spoken and even fewer emotions expressed; just a canvas. Neither of my parents had ever talked much about their past, and the pictures were very scarce. I had projected my own imaginations onto what I had hoped their lives had been like. I had imagined my father was a prestigious warrior for his country, like a general, leading his troops into battle, the most fearless of all. Although in the back of my mind I knew it was a fantasy, I had never seen otherwise so I had no reason to not believe it. It comforted me. Maybe that's what I would turn out to be. So far I had felt more love for my father Regis since he passed away than I had my entire life of him being alive. Death was funny that way. I had imagined my mother being a delicate princess. A flawless life of luxury was her past and she had traded it all when Regis had swept her off her feet. She had known it was a silly thing to do but such is the nature of love. It cannot exist in the same realm as logic. I came into the living room and my mother had a cigarette in her right hand and a brown paper bag in her other. I didn't know what was in the paper bag but I guessed it wasn't Gatorade. I had seen this combination of items near the skate park where Fabian the homeless man loitered on occasion. She hadn't even budged when I entered the room or when I said hey. The television was on but I highly doubted she was watching the program. My mother was surely not a fan of "Top 100 Most Ridiculous Beards in History". I went over and sat on the floor next to her. It was obvious she was in an even lesser talking mood than usual. She sat in silence drinking and smoking. I had never known my mother to do either. I could hear my own heartbeat and the ticking of the nearby clock. I noticed that the television was muted, the atmosphere was too silent and the silence was too thick. I needed to get out of there.

Journal Entry One,

So my Father's funeral was today. It sucked. I hate everything.

***

The days went by and I had rarely seen my mother out of her recliner. She was there when I woke up and left and she was there when I got back. I had resorted to making my own school lunches but after a week I had stopped eating almost entirely, not only because we had run out of groceries, but I had also lost my appetite. Things had just been gloomier than usual; there was no reason to eat. I was running on coffee and pop tarts. I was 16 years old and a regular coffee drinker. My time at home had begun to dwindle. I loved my mother but I couldn't be around her anymore. She was sucking out the little life that had remained in me. The cigarette packs littered the living room floor by increasing numbers. There were more red and white Marlboro boxes than carpet. I had no place to sit unless I sat on the couch or I wanted stogie butts stuck all over my pants. I found out that what was in the brown paper bag was not in fact Gatorade but malt liquor, the degenerate alcohol substance. Whatever that was, I had tried it one night and immediately regurgitated it all. My mother's taste buds must be dead I thought. I really did not want her to begin drinking. My father was a drinker and I didn't want that again. There was a stench in the house that was becoming less bearable as the days went by. A kind of stench that someone who lost the sense of smell could tell was present. You could feel it present. My mother had said maybe seven words to me in total in the past week. One word a day I guess. Different words though. She had ceased to live, she had begun to exist; barely. I found solace in skating more and more. I hadn't gone with Daniel and Jade though, I would go solo. Instead of school I would ride to the park. It was currently my only escape.

It was Tuesday about three weeks after my father's funeral. I had slightly begun to feel normal again. The despair had vanished for the most part. I had been having regular dreams about the man in the forest who kept me calm; those would not go away anytime soon I was certain. I had been a very bad friend to the only two people who had ever even cared about me. I hadn't spoken to either of them since it happened; I just avoided seeing them at school on the days I actually went and gave no explanation about what was going on with me. It was Tuesday. It had been a long time since we all went to the skate park together and I was looking forward to it. I saw Daniel that morning and he was just as happy to see me as he was before I had become absent.

"Hey dude what's up" he said to me in the most genuine of ways. He didn't say anything like "long time no see" or anything open ended like that that would invite an explanation of where I had been. He left that completely up to me. If he was upset or felt some other emotion other than being happy to see me he was doing a great job at hiding it. He was a gem of a friend and I really appreciated that in him. It made me feel guilty for how I had acted. As we walked to class he explained the outrageous calls that were made in this week's Monday night football and I listened to him get worked up over the pass interference and what not. I really enjoyed listening to him talk today, I felt normal again. The day went by as normal also. Class after class I found myself putting my classmates in jellyfish infested tanks and signing them up for science experiments with high risks of failure. They had no idea the torture they endured under my supervision. At lunch Vandaveon was having an off day, there was no circle around him today and people seemed overall less excited by his presence. I had heard that the basketball team had lost their last two games so that may have been the explanation but I still figured it was because his mix tape sales had done poorly or he hadn't taken that shower. The colorful pants group was all in full bloom today. Watching and judging them brought me joy way past what I imagined was an acceptable amount. I missed it. It had remained the highlight of my miserable school days. I understood what it must feel like to anticipate a new episode of your favorite television series and mine was live and direct. I smiled, I had not changed one bit.

When the bell rang to end lunch I usually felt my body instantly become depressed. Like a chain reaction, sometimes it was involuntarily. A couple days ago I had heard a bell outside of school and I was saddened. It was a perfect example of classical conditioning; I had learnt that in psychology class. Why was I thinking of school I thought, I decided I would have learnt it one day somehow and school didn't actually help, I gave the establishment no credit. The rest of the school day snailed by. I was looking forward to after school, not just for Daniel but for Jade. I hadn't seen her in a couple weeks and I thought about her every day. Every day we danced in the most majestic gowns and suits in the most prestigious ballrooms and then sat on the most coveted beaches and drank the most expensive drinks. She helped chase the despair away at times when it got darker than usual. I wondered what we were doing in her head; probably nothing. Jade probably hadn't even noticed that I hadn't been around. Why would she ever worry about someone like me?

The buzzers to end the school day rang and I trudged to where I usually met Daniel. He was not there. Daniel was always there. I looked around and waited for a couple minutes but the hallways remained empty except for me. Daniel never got in trouble and wasn't involved in any after school activity. Was he abducted? Was he stuck in a locker? No, aliens didn't exist and locker stuffing was a game day ritual and today was not game day. I guess I had ruined our friendship, he was pretending earlier and he had taken the day to decide he was fed up of me. I understood. I began walking toward the exit to head to the skate park by myself. I needed to get out of here.

Almost out of the doorway when I became aware of some quick-paced footsteps approaching. I spun around. Jade was coming toward me briskly; Daniel trailed behind her looking disheveled. I was not sure what to make of this; my only conscious reaction was that I was now happy to see them. I was happy to see her. Jade had a furrow in her brow and her nose was slightly flared. She was wearing a black and white striped top and a short black skirt that flowed and bounced with her steps. I had only seen that face once and it was when someone insulted her little brother to her face; she ended up punching them out. She was aggressive.

The music began and we began to dance again and as I twirled her in my arms.

*Smack*

My cheeks began to sting, I was sure she left her hand print on my face. I was dazed. She had swiftly slapped me across my face before she said a word. It took me completely by surprise.

"Don't you ever do that to us again!" she yelled. "I was worried sick about you and your family. I heard what happened and you owed it to us to let us know you were okay. Never do that again Jamie Wilson!" She snapped and slapped me a second time. Apparently the word had gotten out and into some section of the local newspaper. I had no idea that dead people made it to a section of the news. I had never picked up a newspaper before except to kill a couple spiders. Who knew that behind all the stupid celebrities on the front page that my father would be in the middle there somewhere? I made a mental note to see if I could find it. I stared at my torn up shoes, I was embarrassed and I didn't want it to show on my face. I had never been worried about before. I felt her arms wrap around me as I was brought into an embrace. I just stood limp, I had never been hugged at any point that I could remember. This was the warmth of a human body, it was an odd euphoria. Whatever she smelt of put me at ease. Jade was smaller than me yet right in her arms I felt like nothing could go wrong, like I was being protected, that only the two of us mattered. I wished time would stand still; I would give anything to control time and stop it I never wanted to leave that space. Just then I realized that I loved hugs; I decided I could get used to it. It was Tuesday. She released me and motioned for us to head to the skate park.

Skating was very emotional. You put your all into a trick or a movement only for gravity to abandon you and for your board to desert you leaving the hard concrete floor responsible for catching you. And then you would get up and dust off and put everything into it again and again until gravity and your board decided it wanted to be there for you. I had originally wanted to show Jade what I had been learning but it was arrogant of me to think that that would actually happen. Jade was the queen; she was a special presence in any situation. Effortlessly she stole the spotlight and I was left to just admire her simple tricks and routines, it was like a trance. Daniel's mouth hung open as he observed her, he felt no differently than I did. I wanted to take his attention away from her though; I wanted to be the only one who could look at her. I was afraid he was thinking what I was thinking. She was mine to think about.

"Daniel, Jade said she wanted to talk to me in private tonight, you mind if we walk you home first?" I was lying to him just for my own selfish desires. Just for a couple extra minutes alone with this girl. This is what she did to people.

"Sure dude no problem, I can actually go by myself I will head out now. I will see you guys at school!" Daniel smiled as he said this to me, I wasn't sure if he could see through my lie or not but I felt ashamed for a brief moment. A couple seconds after worrying about Daniel's safety though I was back to dancing with Jade. We were lying in fields and holding hands and now hugging. We were at a new stage of our relationship, it was euphoric.

"Where did Daniel go?" She glided over to me with the wind blowing in her hair, I was at a loss for words.

"Hey earth to Wilson... where's Daniel?"

"Huh? Oh he went home he didn't want to be out later than curfew tonight." I lied. She glanced at her phone.

"It's 6:33..." she said. I blushed; I didn't want to keep this lie going.

"I know but his parents are being weird or something I don't know." She shrugged and sat next to me. She looked at me expectantly but said nothing. It was easy to tell why the universe would always be on her side. I involuntarily began to open up to her as we sat together. It was word vomit; I hadn't intended to say anything but I could not stop spewing. I told her everything, from the terror of my father's behavior when he would attack and beat on my mother, to the day I came home and he was motionless on the couch, to the nightmares and day mares I had begun to suffer and somewhat create in my head when he was around and even since his passing. I had told her how my mother was doing and how I felt she was affected. I think I told her about how I had been making up his name. I vaguely remember telling her when my birth date was and why I didn't believe in zodiac signs. It was almost an outer body experience I could not recall most of it I just knew I felt like I could breathe for the first time. It was crazy, she hadn't said one word and just by her presence I felt like I had been healed and she was my healer. I felt slight concern; I hoped I hadn't said anything about my fantasies that she was such a star of; that could be embarrassing. The way she looked into my eyes the entire time and her face reacted to mine is what hypnotized me. She was a girl that people would bow down to. She was meant to rule things one day. The universe would make sure of it. She remained quiet when I was done spewing.

"I think I should walk you home now." I got up and then helped her up. First time I had held her hands in mine. She had never done a day of work or labor I assumed. Her hands were not real I assumed. They were the softest most comforting things my hand had ever felt; that was fact. I needed to hold them again. As she stood she wrapped her arms around me. The second embrace of the evening, this was my lucky day. This time I returned the embrace. I squeezed her, she smelt like what happiness must smell like. I decided hugging was even better when you hug back.

***

My head was down and my hands were in my pockets as I walked home. I had just left Jade on her doorstep. Once again I felt a pang of something. I denied having any attraction to her though. I couldn't be interested in her right? She was my best friend and nothing more and best friends weren't supposed to like each other that would be weird even for me. I had to constantly convince myself of that idea. I was only allowed to want her in theory; there was a boundary I couldn't cross in reality.

She had spoken to me on the way home but I didn't pick up much, I really lacked a set of listening skills. I spent most of the time thinking of ways to get to hold her hand. I contemplated tripping over something so she would have to help me up again. The thing I realized about myself halfway through though is that I have no follow through. I saw a nearby stick and when I came up to it I initiated a stumble that I had planned to turn into a fully fledged face plant. Instead I just caught myself before hitting the floor and it looked like my legs had momentarily given out on me. I looked and felt and smiled like an idiot. My ankle began to ache a little too and I walked the rest of the way trying to mask a slight limp.

"Are you okay?" she had asked while holding back a chuckle. I was too embarrassed to even respond clearly. I just nodded like I was cool. But I was not cool, and inside my head was not a cool space. Thinking about how not smooth I had been and my overall lack of any type of cool had gotten me all the way home. I didn't have feelings or anything like that for Jade I reminded myself as I walked into the driveway. It wasn't hard to forget about my embarrassing night; I was home and a whole new set of thoughts were accompanied by that.

The door creaked as I opened it and walked again. I never wiped my feet as I entered my front door anymore; the carpet inside was more filthy than the ground outside anyway. The smell was still present. I wasn't sure if it was getting worse or I was becoming less tolerant of it. I cringed when I looked at the state of my home. I was never the tidiest tom but this was another level of gross. Cigarette butts and packs, malt liquor bottles, piled up mail and bills and rotting fruits decorated the interior of my home. I guess it added character, it was very plain before. I tried to be positive about it. My mother was asleep on the recliner when I arrived at home. She had become one with that recliner; I wondered whether she had eaten in days. For the most part I kept my distance from the living room because that's where the smell was the worst. She didn't seem to want any company anyway. Tonight I decided to take a look.

She was still breathing. The sandwich crusts that bordered the recliner were evidence that she had at least been eating something. I had begun making my own lunch before school and it never occurred to me to make lunch for her too. Guilt began creeping up on me; I had not been taking any care of my mother. She had been helplessly pining away on the couch for some time now. I didn't know how to protect and care; I had never acquired those instincts I guess. I checked the kitchen, there were some groceries there. I saw a bill on the counter with a note attached to it:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Wilson, we thank you very much for being valued customers of our grocery and our quick delivery service. This is a reminder that your bill extension date is quickly approaching. We will be unable to permit you another extension and if it is not paid you will be taken off of the service until it is repaid in full. Local Mart.

It was dated for one week from today. The information that came attached to the note showed that that meant there would be one more week of grocery delivery. I wondered if my mother had even seen it. I wondered if my mother even had money to keep getting groceries. She was a stay at home mother and didn't earn a living as far as I could remember, and I was fairly certain that the passing of my father didn't leave much of an inheritance. I had been so oblivious. I had begun to make my own sandwiches to get me by but I never took into consideration that those things ran out. I always had, I was never without food even if it was just some dry crackers. The fridge was not stocked like those I had seen on television, it never occurred to me that not all kitchens were like that. I opened the fridge and we had bare necessities; I guess that is what we always had but now I was becoming aware of it. I knew we were not a rich family, and I had assumed we were poor based on what people called me at school but I wasn't really sure what that meant. I had everything I needed I didn't really understand what the big deal was. Money was paper. Some people had it and some didn't but that meant nothing to me. Daniel was wealthy by the definition of the word and I was not but we were still friends so what was the big deal anyway? I was teased in school for it. People noticed that my clothes were tattered and shoes were battered but it's not like I asked them for money so why couldn't they leave me alone. Not having groceries in the house and having no money to get them was going to become an issue and I began to understand what the difference or significance was of wealth versus a lack there of. Pretty soon Daniel's family would be able to eat and my mother and I wouldn't. The sense became a bit more real, I didn't eat much but I always had an option to eat. Even though it was mostly peanut butter, I always had the option to consume copious amounts of peanut butter. I felt pressured, I walked out if the kitchen and went and sat on the couch adjacent to my mother.

It had been about four weeks now since the passing and burial of my father. Unfortunately, it had also been about four weeks since my mother had begun heavily drinking and smoking and being a vegetable. Every day she sat on the recliner, pitying herself and her situation. The alcohol was her escape from all the sadness; she was just chasing some brief happiness. The television was always on some random show that she was not even interested in; I bet it just made her feel less alone. I couldn't be mad at her, but a part of me began to resent her. She was trying to escape the situation but it was a situation that I was in. She was not concerned about what happened to me. No one was. It wasn't fair. I had been going through so much and I wish I had her to help me through it. I knew I wouldn't be able to escape like she did, I wish she would stay in reality with me but I understood too well the pull of alcohol and that type of escape. It was destructively addictive.

I sat next to her. I didn't want to look at her so I chose the couch next to her instead of the one opposite her where my father so recently lay motionless.

"Hey mum," I said to my unconscious mother. She was loosely gripping a bottle in one hand and a cigarette in the other. It was still smoking. Her reddish hair had grown noticeably grey in the past weeks and her skin had aged. I wondered if she was sick. I hoped she wouldn't leave me also; it was something I worried about ever since she began inhaling smoke religiously. I was feeling oddly talkative, after opening up a little bit to Jade earlier I guess I didn't want to stop. I didn't know when else I would feel like this so I went with it.

"Today I wasn't beaten up in school that was cool. I haven't been doing too well with my grades. I know the work but I just can't seem to focus on anything and I have no motivation to put forward any effort. I really don't like being there. I was wondering if I could drop out. No one would really miss me anyway. I sit in the trees at lunch and make fun of all the idiots that walk around; it's really funny hahaha... one time I... never mind you have to be there I guess. Anyway if I'm not doing anything in school maybe I could get a job. I could help with some of the bills and groceries around here you know? We are running out. Actually now that I think about it; there are two people that would miss me. You've never met them. Their names are Daniel and Jade, they are the only friends I have but I don't need any more they are both really great. I treat them really poorly sometimes; no one had ever taught me how to care about someone else really. Daniel is a big sports fan and kind of a nerd. He and I don't have much in common but he's awesome. He watches me skate at the park and loves talking. I hope you meet him one day. Jade is the most popular girl at school and she is just an all around perfect human being. I could gawk about her for days. Recently I have been feeling weird and different emotions towards her actually. Like I want her to be more than a friend to me but at the same time I don't want to acknowledge those feelings you know? She has the softest hands I've ever felt. She has red flowing hair just like you had, a little bit more freckles though. I dream of the two of us dancing all the time. You would really like her. I hope you get to meet her one day." My mother began to cough in her sleep violently but she never budged. The cigarette slipped from her fingers onto the carpet and she put the bottle in her lap. The remaining content spilled a little but she still snoozed. I got up and stomped out the still smoking cigarette. When I sat back down I began to speak again.

"I miss you mum. I wish we had a relationship, whatever that feels like. I don't remember the sound of your voice too much I wish you would talk to me. I wish I could make you proud. If I played a sport or did something with myself I know you wouldn't be on the couch all day you would have something to look forward to. I hope you'll be okay, I don't want to lose you like I lost dad." The tears began to flow, my cheeks glistened from them.

"Why did this have to happen to me; to us? Why did you let him treat you like that? And now that he's gone you're just going to lay here and waste away? We are almost out of groceries you know that?" My voice had begun to rise. The temperature of the room had gone up and the atmosphere had gotten tense. I was the only one feeling the change though; the other person was fast asleep. The rise and fall of her chest was faint, even unconscious I could tell she was noticeably weaker; and paler. The passing of my father had awaken this thing in me they call emotions apparently. I hadn't ever really had to deal with them, I mean of course I had feelings but never strong enough that they provoked any response or action from me. But now I felt tingles and urges. I had cried and I had yelled. I had begun to question things and I had begun to want answers.

"I wish you would talk to me. I have so many questions. Why do I feel so different from everyone in my life? Why do I not remember anything from when I was younger? We have no pictures or anything? Why did dad put us through what he did? Can you answer me?!" My breathing had grown heavy and I was clutching the cushions that I sat on tightly. I was bringing up things that haunted me that were irrelevant to the situation we were in. I had recently been thrown into this whole emotions concept and now I would need to learn how to control them. I hoped I would learn sooner rather than later. My mother coughed and spewed briefly; still clutching the bottle close to her like a prized trophy. Alcohol had become her escape. I needed to get out of there.

I walked up to my room where I could be alone. I felt unstable. If I had sat in that room with my mother passed out on the recliner much longer I may have gotten louder and then who knows. I once struck at my dead father; I didn't want to strike my mother if I had lost control. I walked upstairs, trying to quiet my head. I would explain what I was thinking but even I didn't know. It couldn't be put into words.

I entered my room and I was standing on the edge of a cliff. Below me was fuzzy, nothing had definition I couldn't make anything out. It was dangerously windy, and I was dangerously close to the edge. Above me the skies were a greenish grey, something I had never seen before. Behind me everything was peaceful, I understood what was behind there; it was everything I was familiar with. I closed my eyes on the cliff. I shook my head and opened my eyes in real life. It was a strange trancelike premonition.

I sat in front of my computer and typed into Google: random day dreams.... day dreams take over... uncontrollable day dreaming... No results. I tried again: blank out day dreams... spacing out... No results. I wanted to understand why I have these illusions and visions and day dreams so lucidly and many times so uncontrollably. I would have to just accept that not all of my new questions would be answered right away. I picked up my journal to blow off some steam. Some doctor came to class one day and I managed to remember him saying writing your thoughts out sometimes help you deal with tough situations or loud thinking and I wanted some clarity. I hated the process though so I never really wrote anything much. I felt as if the journal was judging me I did not like sharing. This would be only my second entry. I planned just to continue being short. I looked at the page for a long time before I could write anything. I felt as if I wanted to pour everything out of me. I was hesitant to open up to my journal.

Journal Entry Two,

Why do emotions even exist huh? It just makes us as humans weak. I hate my feelings and I've only ever really felt them for the last couple of days. For awhile I was unaware of them and I prefer it that way. But of course god or the universe or whatever it is out there, wants us to be weak. It wants us to feel pain when people in our life die. It wants us to feel pain when we love someone and they don't love us back. It wants us to feel pain when we see our parents in tough situations. The mere invention of love was diabolical wasn't it? You having fun up there god or whoever you are?! Why did you take my father?! Why did you leave me alone like this?!

I knew no one would ever hear or see any of what I was writing especially if there was a god. Why would he be concerned with what I had to say? I broke the pencil and launched it across the room. I had released some tension but not all of it. I typed in Google again: Rated X... finally I got some results. I spent the remainder of my night with my computer before going to bed. I fell right asleep. That night I had dreams similar to the vision I had just seen; the cliff, the skies, the comfort behind me and the mystery ahead of me. I knew it would puzzle me for some time.

***

Sunlight hit my face the next morning and woke me up before my alarm. Since my dad hadn't been around, and I couldn't rely on my mother to wake me up for school I had begun to use an alarm. It was truly painful; every morning was a constant battle with it. The irony is, it was like a battle that I brought to myself because I could end it or not even begin it. But every morning my hand found the snooze button and every morning the alarm clock retaliated. I needed it but I hated it; we had a crazy relationship. This morning however, I woke up without a problem and actually appreciated the sunlight seeping through my window. I smiled. Whoa, I hadn't smiled in ages on my own. My facial muscles seemed surprised. Maybe now that I had begun feeling emotions, some positive ones would manifest itself. They weren't all negative so hopefully I would find some balance. I got out of bed and got ready for school; my alarm went off as I was about to leave my room. I had been way earlier than usual. I crept downstairs and tidied the place a little bit. I didn't pick anything in the living room up but I swept it all into a pile and made a mental note to vacuum it all up when I came back home that night. I went to the kitchen to make myself a lunch sandwich.

"What would I have today? I had peanut butter and jelly yesterday. Hmm, I think today I will go with jelly and peanut butter instead." I paused after saying that to myself to check if anyone was listening in my home that I was alone in; apart from my mother who was still knocked out. As I suspected no one was listening. Everyone always missed out on my comedy. Maybe one day I would try to go big time. But for now I was content with being my only fan. I picked up my skateboard and left for the day.

"Bye mum," and I was out the door.

I wondered if she ever noticed. I wondered if it mattered at all. Why was I still going to school? No one was forcing me to do anything. I had been going to school on my own accord I realized, for the past weeks. What was happening to me? Surely I wasn't enjoying it any more than I had previously been. Truthfully school was more pleasant than home at the moment; and I mean if I didn't go who would make fun of all the douche bags? I had a job to do. And seeing Daniel and Jade were always a plus.

I began skating and rode past everyone waiting at the bus stop. The people at my stop weren't too bad but they were still people so they were at a disadvantage and by default I couldn't stand them. I never took the school bus. I had seen and heard way too many horror stories from Daniel. About a week ago he told me as we were catching up that he didn't think the guys on the basketball team liked him too much.

"I don't think the guys on the basketball team like me very much Wilson," he said to me as we walked to class. He kicked a plastic bottle in front of him.

"What do you mean? I thought they wanted you to join?" I asked for the sake of conversation. Unlike Daniel I wasn't blind to the fact that the basketball team had in fact not liked him for quite some time now.

"Well on the bus ride this morning I sat far in the back, which is where they usually sit and they asked me to move but there were no other available seats. I tried explaining to them that I had a project with me and there were no seats in the front with enough space. I had left the project behind the last seat you know?" He paused and looked around. I was sure he was checking to see if there was anyone around whom he didn't want to hear him.

" So then this kid Robert came to the back and picked up my project; it was a house made of toothpicks for engineering and design class, and he stomped on it, he just crushed the whole thing just like that, all my work just gone. I had spent about three weeks on that project." He sniffled slightly.

"He told me that now that I had no excuse I should move my seat, but there were still no seats available apart from in the back. So then his buddy Craig grabbed me and ripped my backpack off of my back and threw it out the window and was like 'are there any effing seats out there?' He actually cursed at me though. Before I could ask why they would do that Robert hocked a loogie on my face and then on my shirt." I listened to Daniel speak in horror.

"The rest of the kids were laughing and egging them on but I didn't really appreciate it. I had to get off at the next stop and walk to get my bag; I was late to school that day. The worst part was the detention I got from my first class and the fail I got from my second class because I had no project. They mess around like that a lot but I think they took it a bit far and I didn't really like it much." He finished casually.

I looked at Daniel in disbelief. This was the kind of person he was. Something like this happens and he would make it to be no big deal. Whether consciously so people wouldn't pity him or his mind actually worked like that wasn't important. I immediately killed everyone on that bus in my head the day he told me that; including the bus driver whom I could only assume sat on his fat ass and let the whole thing take place. I had seen others on the news and it always deterred me from riding the bus. I know that not everyone on a bus would be a bad person but as I said they were still people and by default couldn't be afforded the benefit of the doubt. I hated them all. I kept skating.

Almost at school; I noticed a shiny object just sitting in the middle of the street, it twinkled off of the sunlight and caught my attention. I generally never snapped out of my day dreams that easily but this one thing caught my attention for some peculiar reason. As I skated by it, I was tempted to go investigate further but the oncoming school bus changed my mind. I didn't want to get run over by the bus for starters and also school was in sight and I wanted to get inside the campus before the masses exited the buses. I would get it another time. I kept riding. I got to where I usually wait for Daniel and stepped on the back of my board so it flipped up for me to catch up. I loved doing that; I had seen them do that on various videos of pro skaters and it always made me feel cool. I always subtly looked around to see if anyone had noticed me do it; but once again I would have to settle with being my only fan. Daniel scurried up to me and as he got nearer I noticed his face was bloodied and his clothes ruffled. He was out of breath and seemed to be clutching his ribs.

"What happened dude?" I exclaimed upon seeing him more closely. His lip was swollen and the blood from it slowly dripped onto his shirt. His wounds and bruises were clearly fresh.

"Nothing man I'm fine," Daniel said to me, he kept looking down at his shoes. Daniel never had nothing to say, he was the king of conversation. He had many of them with himself; another person wasn't even always necessary. I felt my body begin to get hot. I started feeling angry. I wasn't sure what the anger was direct towards but it heated and boiled within me. It was either the fact that Daniel for the first time decided not to talk to me, or that I was assuming the worst for his condition. I didn't give people the benefit of the doubt anyway so I erased everyone on his bus yet again. I assumed it was another bus horror story.

"Let's go to class or we are going to be late." He said to me, dejectedly. He looked defeated; in sorry spirits. The optimism looked seemingly beaten out of him and I blamed that forsaken stupid yellow bus. I really wanted him to talk to me and tell me what happened. But I didn't deserve to know. I know I was exactly the same way to him when he wanted me to talk the most. I guess this would be my first test of keeping my emotions held together. I only hoped he would let me know what happened soon enough. I hung my head and with my hands in my pockets walked toward the buildings with Daniel. We looked like the same person; both in the same position and both enduring a raging battle in our heads. Daniel didn't fit there; I had hoped that he would be back to normal soon enough.

I felt pangs in my stomach as I walked into my first class today. The day kept getting more and more unusual I thought. I hadn't zoned out as I usually do walking into those doors. I wondered what Carrie the annoying voice idiot would talk about today. I wondered in what ways I would torture her in my head today. Turns out she had the most awesome night last night because of some undisclosed reason but also she couldn't believe that her favorite contestant on her favorite television show didn't make it to the final round. This was her biggest worry in her life at the moment; who to root for on the show next... and she was popularly liked by the majority of people at school; this was why I hated the lot of them. My emotions were on edge, I felt nauseas. Class was over and I walked into the hallway. We were given 7 minutes before class but it always felt like 7 seconds. I had mixed feelings about the 7 minutes though, on one hand I wish it was shorter because it's not like I had anything to do anyway because I couldn't judge people in that short time. I liked to get cozy first. And I wanted my day to be over as quickly as possible. On the other hand I wished it was longer because I hated going to my other classes. I always wanted to prolong it as much as possible. I wanted my misery to be prolonged and sped up all in the same breath.

Lunch was almost here and I began to get excited. What material would my puppets give me to use today? I tapped my foot on the floor but as I looked out the window, water began to hit against the glass. Slowly at first and gradually it got heavier. My heart began to sink. The downpour meant that there would be no one outside and it would make no sense for me to sit at my usual post. The lunch bell rang and I waited for everyone to leave the class; I was usually first out of the door but I had nothing to look forward to now. I entered the walls of the cafeteria. I hadn't ever eaten in here; there were people in here that could get close to me. What if someone tried to talk to me? I looked around slowly; it was unbelievable.

All of a sudden I was in a jungle and everywhere there were monkeys yelling and climbing on tables and throwing things. The crowd and the noise and the confusion began making me sick. How could people enjoy this level of interaction?

I saw in one corner a table of eight people, three of the girls were on their cell phones keeping to themselves; a guy and a girl were heavily locked in each other's lips it looked as if they were having each other for lunch... they were going at it; one girl was eating her food but looked as if she wasn't enjoying it very much and looked like she was enjoying being at the table even less; the other two guys just looked like sidekicks of the one dude that was being eaten and they were just at the table to make sure he was okay and to annoy the other girls.

In another corner was a different group of eight people. They were all dressed in black sitting crouched over and playing with their food in their hands more than eating it. They all had jet black hair and black eyeliner, I was sure I wouldn't be welcomed there.

In another corner all the athletes sat wearing their varsity jackets and stupid haircuts. They thrived in the lunch room I observed. Yelling at the servers and janitors walking around, making stupid announcements on the tables, pushing and pulling on the backpacks of people walking in the rows; I saw this one jock empty a carton of orange juice on the head of a kid about half his size. It was too much for me. I needed to get out of there.

I walked into the boys' bathroom, chose a stall, there was only ever one usable stall, and went in and unpacked my lunch from my bag. I had my legs folded as I sat on the toilet bowl. I hoped no one came in to disturb me or realized I was alone in the bathroom eating a sandwich. Even though being alone at lunch was nothing new; I never felt like a loser up in my tree. The confines of the stall made me feel like what I really was; a loser. My sandwich tasted bland today.

***

My other classes leading up to my last class had no events worth reporting; as usual. I walked into my last class and looked around at the room of drones. One kid I'm almost certain had on the same outfit that another kid had on the day before. I never considered myself any type of fashionista but come on. They couldn't all think it was okay to wear the same style. My clothes were always worn and torn; no one else had clothes like me. I saw myself as very unique; a trend setter, I fantasized. I took my seat in class. Looking around the room I looked at everyone. I couldn't help but think they were robots and clones who all thought and acted by the same formula just with slightly different variables depending on their genetics or status or something of the sort. I also noticed that my arch nemesis Kevin Stud wasn't there. A big rivalry game was being played on our field today and the football players were all excused from class. Meanwhile everyone else had to endure a full day of school. Even worse for me I had to endure it with the idiots I was surrounded by. He was out being a jock while I was in being a dork. I was destined to hate him, it grew gradually every day but on some days, like today, it grew exponentially.

The last class was dull. I had no one to antagonize. I walked into the hallway to meet Daniel; I was ready to go home. Daniel didn't show. This time though I understood why he wouldn't show up. He wanted to be by himself, I hoped. I resented him for it; he was taking my role and using it against me. Not on purpose of course but it was nevertheless my role. I shrugged it off and picked my backpack off the floor and began to head for home. I was tired waiting in the hallways. I needed to get out of there.

"Yo Wilson wait up." I turned around to see Stud and his goons clanking down the hallway in their football pads. They never called me out like that. We were not on friendly speaking terms I knew something was wrong. The clicking and tapping of their pegs on the tile floor made my hair stand on end. They drew closer...

"Hey Wilson what's up buddy how was class today? You miss me?" Stud wrapped his bear-like arms around my neck and head in what was supposed to be a friendly head lock but my circulation was instantly cut off. So here it was I thought, the beating that I had somewhat avoided the other day and a make up for all the days that I missed school. I tensed up to brace myself for impact hoping however that it would not come. A smash to my chest from a knee was the first blow. The tensing had not helped at all. I instantly dropped to my knees, all the air had been knocked out of my lungs. I was seeing stars. Not the kind of stars that you see when you look up to the sky, but the kind of stars that were like black flashes of static falling in front of your face. I remember receiving two more swift blows from people who were not Stud himself. Then everything went black and I remembered nothing.

Bullying was an issue everywhere. I had heard stories like the one Daniel had told me earlier many times. The bigger, stronger kids preyed on the smaller, weaker kids. The privileged attacked the less fortunate. The confident attacked the insecure. It was the order of the world we live in and no amount of propaganda would change that. The news and the parents could parade and strike and protest all they wanted, it was embedded into the culture, and it was air tight. The pattern was mimicked all throughout nature; it was the reality we lived in. I didn't feel bad for myself; I accepted the fate that I was born on the unfortunate side of the line but I also knew that there were people who had it much worse than me. I was poor and didn't have many friends or much of a family but I was at least healthy which I knew I couldn't take for granted.

Who was I kidding?

I had begun to stir. I felt the cold floor against my cheek and became aware of pain all over my body.

"Hey man what you doing sleeping there? You no can sleep there go home man!" it was our Mexican janitor/security Gonzalvez. I asked him what time it was and how long I had been out. He said it was around a quarter past three. That was only 16 minutes after I had last checked the clock from waiting to meet Daniel.

"And why are your hands and nose all red?" asked Gonzalvez. I started stirring more and looked around. I was lying in the middle of the hallway, flat on my belly; my chalk outline would have probably been similar to the ones that you see in movies. How did I end up here? My memory was fuzzy but images of being hit by Stud began to come back. I shook my head and got up and began to leave. Gonzalvez watched me leave and shook his head mumbling something in Spanish. I liked Gonzalvez a little, he was not well liked by the student body but he was just doing a job. He didn't care that he wasn't well liked though, he was at work. I walked out of the school into the parking lot to begin heading home. The lot was flooded by incoming students and fans arriving for the game that was about to be played. There were rumors that there would even be television coverage so the masses flocked as the game kick-off whistle drew nearer. I was the only one heading in my direction and I was sure everyone was looking at me like I was slightly crazy. Why was he not going to the game? I had just been hurt and humiliated in the building and now I didn't want anyone to see me out of it. I stopped just before I hit the sidewalk to hop on my skateboard and turned around and wished all harm and defeat and loss upon my team. If I was lucky I would get one of my wishes. I dropped my board and started to push home. I needed to get out of here.

As I rode I began seeing a couple girls wearing snow boots and a scarf but it felt like it was only in the seventies which wasn't that cold. Girls couldn't wait to break out the snow boots I guess. They looked like a bunch of clones. I wondered if I was in the Matrix. In my t-shirt and jeans I began to feel warm just looking at them. And not good warm like I was being turned on, but like moist warm where I was becoming uncomfortable. With the exception of Jade all girls were stupid I concluded. My mind briefly wandered to the thought of her walking alongside me holding my hand and gliding through the crowd. Surely the universe would clear a path for her and I would just follow along. It was impossible to skate home though. Apart from the fact that my body felt bruised and out of whack, there were too many people walking in the opposite direction to skate through. I would have to walk until the crowds had cleared a little. With my board tucked tightly under my arm pits and my head down I walked among the flood of people hustling to the game. People were not polite when they were in a rush geez. I was also trying to keep my red hands and nose out of sight. Gonzalvez had asked about it and I never answered him, I was too embarrassed to explain. It was not blood; the story behind that is that our schools colors are blue and grey, so red is one color that stands out very sorely between those two. Every once in a while for a home game, some poor loser would get cornered by guys on the different sports teams and his hands and nose would be dyed red to show that he was to be picked on and humiliated on that specific game day. Almost like a sacrifice. They used to do only hands but then pockets would help save people. My nose stuck out like a sore thumb. This was not my first time being on the losing end of this tradition. I was the poor loser. The football season fans were harsh. Society was harsh.

I began to hear muffled whispering and laughing. I felt a knot in my stomach begin to tighten. Shortly after the mumbling began I began to get pushed and nudged and laughed at. Even the adults walking to the game kicked dust at me and encouraged their young ones to push and jab at me. I felt claustrophobic in the middle of the crowd I had to walk through. The pushing had grown violent. I could barely maneuver on my own I just went where the crowd forced me. I dropped my skateboard and when I bent over to pick it up I lost balance and a strong push sent me stumbling off of the sidewalk onto the road. It took me a couple steps backward to try to get my balance but it still never came. My back hit the tar with a thud and knocked the air out of my chest, I was winded, and the fall didn't end there, my head followed swiftly as it swung back and whacked the cement. My vision got blurry and as I looked over I noticed my hand had sprawled out and landed on a small object. It was the shiny object I had seen on my way to school. How strange was it that I had been pushed and landed on the very object that caught my attention earlier that day. The shine got shinier as I became less aware of where I was. I focused in on it intensely. I was aware that I was lightheaded. A light had illuminated my whole body; I couldn't tell if I was imagining it.

I was faintly aware of screaming, I felt dazed and dazzled and my vision was blurred. I guess the impact my head made had disoriented me. I could make out people on the pavement flailing and had their mouths wide open, as if they were making noise but the yells were distant. My mind drifted, everything was happening so quickly but so slowly at the same time. I felt as though time had begun to warp. The light grew but I still couldn't make out what was taking place. I clung to the object in my hand and began to drift further from awareness. The screams grew more distant. I heard a horn. Then suddenly; darkness.

***

I woke up in a plush field of green grass on a hillside. I had never been on a hillside before, it was pleasant. Big brown horses grazed in the distance and fluffy dogs barked and little children ran around playing fetch and chasing each other tirelessly. The sunlight shone bright but the heat wasn't there. There was no feeling of temperature at all. Why was I not feeling the temperature? Suddenly, the kids and dogs began to run away. I wish they wouldn't run so quickly from me. The horses remained, and in the distance there was a silhouette of a girl approaching. She wore a dress that hung loosely and long hair, the wind played with her dress and her hair affectionately. She was so graceful; it was as if she was gliding over the ground instead of walking. I hoped she would come over to me but it would never happen. She reached up and climbed on to one of the horses backs; it was a white horse, the unique one of the group. It showed now that her dress was pearl white, perfect for the beast she now straddled and her hair was red. Her face was still unrevealed. Jade? I hoped it was her and I bent over to pick her some small yellow daffodil flowers that stuck up through the grass but when I reached out, my hand glided through the grass like it wasn't even there. I looked up and the horses and the long-haired mystery girl were gone. I was alone.

I was in a palace ballroom floor dressed in an all black suit. It was a masquerade; everyone wore masks. The women were all dressed in elegant flowing ballroom gowns and the men in sharp, fitted suits and tuxedos. There were epic staircases leading up from the ballroom floor. On a wall between two of those staircases was my picture with a crown on my head. This was my party and they were here for me. Everyone looked familiar and I knew I knew them or was supposed to, but ironically I didn't. I was a stranger. The ball was in full swing but no one was dancing with me. They all twirled and spun and dipped around me. It was as if I wasn't there at all; did they not recognize me? Maybe it was the mask. I tried taking it off. It only covered the upper portion of my face and was only held up by a small piece of nylon but it would not budge. I wrestled and pulled and tugged and tore at the mask on my head but it would not move an inch. It was part of my face, I felt my skin stretch along with it every direction I grabbed it. I sprinted up a staircase that lead from the ballroom floor to a sort of indoor balcony, it seemed endless. I must have aged on my way from the top to the bottom. I was now standing over the section that held my majestic image. I opened my mouth to announce my presence and for the people below who were once so oblivious to notice me but no sound came out. I tried one more time with all my guts but I went blue in the face and still remained silent. The dancing never stopped. I tried one more time and finally the noise came. I was alone.

I was standing at the edge of a cliff when the echo came back to me.

"I am Jamie Wilson!" the roars came rushing back to me, bouncing off of the formations around and flying with the wind. The skies were a grayish green above me, I had never seen it that color. Everything below me was fuzzy and distant. I could not tell how high up I was. Behind me, I looked and saw some familiarity. They looked like people I knew but they were all just silhouettes. They were all cheering or yelling something I couldn't hear. The howling wind was overpowering their shouts. I turned around and looked into the distance. Below me was just vast emptiness, I felt as if anything I could ever be looking for was down there, the answer to every question in the world dwelled in the abyss. I walked backward, I was afraid of getting the answers to some of the things I had been searching for. When I turned around the silhouettes had vanished. I was alone.

***

"Aghugh" *cough* *cough* I heaved.

I sat straight up after that shriek, wheezing and coughing and sputtering. It took me a couple minutes to catch my breath. I pondered all of the dreams I had just dreamt and what they could mean. As I came to, I realized there were curtains around me on three sides and a monitor and plugs and cords everywhere; even attached to me. I was all alone on an unfamiliar bed in unfamiliar clothes with an unfamiliar feeling with cords and wires all over my body. I looked around and felt around and realized this time I was in reality. Those were illusions. This was real. I was no longer sure what reality meant.

I closed my eyes and began to try to listen for movement in the darkness. The only noises were my breathing and the monotonous, repetitive beeping of the machines and dials around me. It smelt like I was in a hospital but I had no reason to be in a hospital so it couldn't be. I never got sick. Maybe this was another illusion. I knocked myself hard in the jaw to wake up. The pain shot through. This was real. Putting my thoughts together was hard. Much harder than they made it look in the movies for sure. I wasn't getting any flashbacks! My pulse began to race and it seemed as the beeping on the dials began to increase with it. The complete darkness was not helping my panic. I didn't want to move too much because I wasn't sure what wire was hooked up to what; my body was numb. I quieted my mind and began to try to meditate to let the memories come back to me. I remembered I saw that focus technique on television one time. What a load of baloney. I couldn't stop my mind from wandering into stupid thoughts. I wondered what would happen if I just began to yell at the top of my lungs and if I should test it out; I shouldn't. I felt different. Something was off, something was odd. I couldn't put my finger on it. I felt as if there was a presence that wasn't there before. But the presence existed inside of me instead of around me. I was generating my own eerie aura.

The sound of approaching footsteps snapped me out of the mind wandering and pondering. Everything in the room of what I assumed was the hospital that I was in had fallen into a rhythm. But the footsteps broke the rhythm; they were out of sync and fast approaching. The hairs on my body rose and those hairs stood on the edge of my goose bumps. My stomach muscles tensed up and as I sat up in bed I began to clutch tightly at the sheets again. I had no reason for this feeling but some instinct I guess I had developed made me respond in this way. The footsteps came from my left and carried on straight across where I was sitting in bed; I tensed up. I let out a breath but kept listening. I heard them trail off. Now I was a bit confused. I was beginning to freak myself out, had I imagined them? Was that just another illusion? Should I get out of bed and go see for myself? As I pondered my options I heard the footsteps return. They were coming from the right now and they approached at the same speed. It must be the same person.

*Phingggg!* The swift movement of the metal hooks gliding along the metal rod that held them up made a very sharp noise that rung out through the hallway. Standing there where the curtain was; was a silhouette of a man. The light from the window from the other side of the room that was now revealed by the moved curtain shone around him. I couldn't make out anything more than a figure. My eyes squinted to adjust to the brightness. I assumed it was the doctor coming to check up on me during the night. Was it night? I had lost track of time.

"Wilson, here you are, I don't have much time but we need to talk." He said in a tone that I couldn't place my finger on. I couldn't tell if it was casual or urgent. I couldn't tell if he was about to tell me I have cancer or that they were about to change the temperature of the building.

"How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"Yes I think so doctor but why am I here?" I looked at him and my eyes began to focus. He stepped out of the direct shine of the light and walked to the side of my bed. He wore a khaki trench coat with a black beanie on his head and black pants. He had very sharp features on his face with no facial hair except for eyebrows. He looked more like an assassin than any doctor I had ever seen. He had a pack of nuts in his hand that he was chewing on.

"Doctor? Ha this may take even longer than I anticipated." he beamed seemingly enjoying himself.

"What do you mean? I am in a hospital aren't I?" This was getting weirder and weirder. I wasn't in a hospital? He wasn't a doctor? Why did he find this funny?

"Let me introduce myself. My name is Watson." He took of his trench coat and slung it on the foot of my bed. He fiddled with it to make sure it hung perfectly so it wouldn't crease. Under it he wore a black long sleeved sweater. He now looked like a burglar. He pulled up a green armchair that was in the corner of the room intended for regular hour guest visits. It was very clear that this was no regular visit. He took a deep breath.

"You are a very special person Wilson. Very special indeed." He stopped talking and poured himself a cup of water from the cooler that was nearby. He looked at the water as he drank it. I sat there thinking about the ludicrousness of what was happening. I had never been called special, I knew I wasn't and this random man was not about to change my mind and start some type of revelation inside me. He was very pale, something that was uncommon in this part of Florida where the sun was always out. It made him look very inhuman. Maybe he was not from around here; it would explain the coat and the sweater in the middle of April, or whatever month it was by now.

He began speaking again.

"You have been given a gift. It is a peculiar gift that the universe delivered to you not by mistake. You won't know the purpose yet, not even I know the purpose. I'm just a messenger. However the universe chose to deliver you the gift, I had nothing to do with but I know it exists within you now."

He broke off again. He did not drink water this time however, he just looked at me. I believe he was allowing me to take it all in but I just stared back in a paralyzed stupor. I couldn't tell if I was scared or if I was in disbelief. My heart beat heavily in my chest I was sure he could hear them.

"You ever heard of Albert Einstein, Leonardo DaVinci, maybe William Shakespeare?"

"Yes," I said coyly. I had of course known who they were but I was beginning to doubt reality at the moment so I was unsure of myself.

"The universe delivered great things to them in some profound way and they discovered it and channeled it and figured out many secrets of the world around them that helped them outlive themselves; immortalize their names, if you may. You've been chosen like them and a couple others after, to possess something that no one has yet seen and will probably not see again until your generation is all gone."

He was speaking to me in this tone that I was not familiar with. No one had used it to address me ever. I could not interpret it properly. The message seemed important yet he was relaxed, he was not yelling like how I've seen so many people convey importance.

"So what do I... ", I began to ask.

"Wilson the time will come when you know what you're capable of and what you should do. How you choose to use that information is up to you."

He got up and reached for his coat. I was baffled.

"That's it?" I marveled at how casually he was about to just leave.

He looked at me and put his coat on without even the slightest pause.

"I told you when I first arrived that I did not have much time. That has not changed. I must go now, but we shall meet again." And just like that he vanished through the curtains.

***

Interlude

Sharon was out of her recliner. She was walking around calling out her son's name.

"Wilson Wilson".

Not to see if he was around and okay but instead to make sure she was alone. The seat she just got up from was outlined in her sweat and drool and hair that she shed. It reeked of beer and malt liquor. Sharon's legs were weak from not having used them actively in so long and her whole body felt faint from lack of nutrition. Alcohol can only support a body for so long. She stood in the kitchen and lit a cigarette. She wanted it to be her last one. Her hair was frazzled and ruined she looked like she hadn't been alive for a couple days; she hadn't. She felt as though she had no reason to live anymore and looking around the room and seeing what her home had come to, solidified that feeling. As she stomped her cigarette out on her kitchen floor, she began day dreaming. Apparently it ran in the family. She dreamt of pastures and deer jumping around; fresh fruit grew on trees and wind kept everything cool; heaven. What would heaven be like? What would the world be like without her in it? Just as it is now, of course. What about her son? He would figure it out of course. Would anyone miss her? They would not, of course. She remembered that her late husband kept a handgun in the closet in case shooting was necessary. It never was... until now. Why could he be dead and she couldn't?! What gave him the right to leave the hardship behind and not her?! She began clutching at her stomach as a stabbing pain shot through. She shook as standing took too much energy out of her, energy she currently didn't possess. She had lost count of how long it had been since she last ate. Food was not a priority at the moment however. She began to head upstairs to her room in search of the release from all the pain. The stairs stretched and wound in front of her, she stumbled. The pain in her gut began to make her feel woozy and her vision fuzzy. One hand on the rail the other hand on her stomach, wheezing and coughing, the journey seemed never ending. She got to the top of the staircase and gagged and dry heaved painfully. The relief was only a couple feet away now. She barely made it to her bedroom. Once there she stood bent over panting to catch her breath for a quick moment. The moment ended. She headed to the closet. She opened it and reached to grab the box from the top shelf that contained her quick escape. The stretch proved too much for her, she fumbled it and the box fell and the gun tumbled out. A loaded weapon lay inches from her feet, it didn't matter how many bullets were in it she assured herself; she only needed one. As she looked at the black metal, her focus began to waver and her vision zoomed in and out. Beads of sweat trickled down her forehead; she reached out for the magnum.

*BANG!* the noise echoed. Then silence.

End Interlude

***

I slowly got out of the hospital bed I was laying in. I began self-removing the tubes and straps that made me feel held down. The tiny robes they made me wear; I realized was definitely one size fits all because I felt extremely vulnerable. I looked around the complete darkness. I wasn't fully convinced that I wasn't just in a dream or even still dreaming. I took a step forward to see if I could learn anything.

"Fuck!" I let out a muffled wail and curse. The contact my toe had made with the edge of the bed assured me that I was in fact not dreaming and that that pain was real.

Outside the confines of my curtains and unstrapped, the hospital was even more eerie. It felt as if it was haunted to me and I had never been a fan of ghosts. I walked down the hallway and peeped into the hospital beds surrounding me; everyone that lay in them was fast asleep. My swearing hadn't woken anyone up apparently. I was unaware of what day it was, what time it was or even what month it was. So disoriented, what if I had been asleep for three months? And I was very hungry on top of that. One of the curtains I checked behind there was some leftover food that the patient that lay there hadn't eaten before bed. I crept in and stuffed the stale bread and butter in my throat and gulped whatever was in the cup. I should have sniffed it first, I almost gagged but I held it together. The patient snored in bed and startled me. Being here made me feel very anxious. Again my emotions were showing; again I was not able to get a hold of them. I had to get out of here.

I sprinted down the stairs in my slippers and hospital robe. I got lost seven times on the way out but finally fresh air. I felt a chilly breeze on my exposed butt, I hadn't realized until now that hospital robes have no coverage at all in the back. My backside was exposed, my bum was loose and free where it shouldn't be; my buttocks were open to the public. I kicked off the flimsy slippers that would surely slow me down, looked around to gather my bearings and realized I wasn't actually that far from home. I began walking.

On my way there I pondered my night, or morning I still wasn't sure what time it was. Judging by the darkness and the scarcity of cars on the road I assumed it was morning though, anywhere between one and five. My hands felt weird. I usually walked with them tucked in my pockets but my jeans were replaced by this loose robe fabric with no pockets so they swung awkwardly next to me. What had I just experienced?

"That was a whole other level of bizarre," I thought to myself.

It was surely nothing I could make up. But I felt no different. Should I feel different though? What gift had this lunatic been speaking of? I looked at my awkward hands, they still looked the same. Maybe I got superhuman strength? I looked up at a tree and gathered all my focus; I was about to jump straight onto this branch that was about fifteen feet above me. I spread my legs and leaped. I landed awkwardly back on the pavement and hurt my ankle, I came down barefoot on a pebble and that disrupted any chance of me balancing, I shrieked as I fell headfirst into a nearby bush. At least the rotten twigs and worms braced my fall. I got up and dusted myself off and looked around to make sure no one had seen my laughable attempt. I had confirmed I had not been gifted super human strength. I fantasized too much. I slipped my hands in my pockets to continue my walk home; but I kept forgetting I wasn't wearing pants. My mind went back to the events of the night since I had been conscious. Watson had blew my mind, but literally, because my head hurt and spun. I didn't worry about explaining this to Daniel and Jade just yet because I couldn't even explain it to myself. It was way too complex for me to wrap my head around. I had so many questions that needed answers. I looked up and saw my front yard. My dad's car still parked in it, was I ever going to be able to drive it?

I walked into my house and my gut sunk. Something was definitely wrong. I thought about calling out to my mum but she was probably passed out. I walked into the living room and saw there was an outline of where my mum had been and a heap of beer and cigarette butts but something was missing; my mother. She wasn't in the spot I had left her. Gosh how long had I been missing for? I looked around to see if I could find clues, maybe I could 'Hardy Boys' this situation. I walked into the kitchen and found a single cigarette butt stomped into the floor so I know she had been there. I felt like a detective. I looked around and everything else seemed perfectly intact. I would check upstairs next. I sprinted upstairs three at a time. I ran to her room but she wasn't there.

A black handgun lay on the floor a couple feet from the edge of the bed. What could have happened? Where was my mother? Why was a gun involved? I began to feel ill. I could taste the bile in my mouth, it was nauseating. There were no bloodstains on the floor or anywhere in the room. There was no sign of anything being broken or moved. What could have happened? I went into my room, quickly stripped my robe and put on a pair of pants, my sneakers and a t-shirt. I had to find my mother.

I looked out the window and realized that the sun began to faintly come up; I guess it had been closer to five when I escaped the hospital. When I was dressed I checked all the remaining rooms upstairs and still no sign of her. I walked backed downstairs and looked again at the living room, maybe she had fallen somewhere in the corner. Just when I was bent over searching in unrealistic places, I realized I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. I was scared and nervous; I mean I couldn't find my mother! I had begun to give up hope and my heart began to speed up it came to a complete stop. There was a silhouette standing at the doorway. I hadn't closed my front door and now whoever had taken my mother had come back for me. I slowly stood straight up and they called my name.

"Jamie", the voice said; not many people ever called me by my first name.

"Watson?" I instinctively asked for some reason. It was the first thing that popped into my head but I immediately felt embarrassed when the voice spoke.

"Who? No its Keith your neighbor. I do not believe we have ever met." He was right; I had actually never met my neighbor. I knew he existed, he lived across the street with his wife and very young kids but they mostly kept to themselves; the perfect neighbors.

"I came to get you Jamie, your mother is in the hospital..." He trailed off, either that or I zoned out; the latter was more likely. He spoke monotonously and robotic. I couldn't believe what the man at the door was saying. I say the man at the door because I had already forgotten his name.

"Come with me, it is very early and visitors aren't allowed yet but I will take you to see her as soon as the sun fully rises and we are allowed in the rooms. Visiting hours begin around eight I believe."

"Wha... What happened to her?" I asked meekly before taking a step towards him. My nerves and emotions were already on edge, I was not ready to be near this man, I would begin to freak out. I stood firmly where I was near the couch and tried to steady my breathing. I realize I was feeling anger towards the man at the door when so far he hadn't done anything to me. He was nothing but a quiet neighbor and a stupid messenger from what I could tell.

"I cannot answer that question because I do not know for sure. All I can tell you is that we heard a gunshot from our house and we came across to see if everything was okay, we let ourselves in because the door was unlocked. I looked around a little and walked upstairs to find your mother lying on the ground. We immediately called the ambulance and they came and got her. She was not bleeding and didn't look physically hurt. We were not allowed to accompany her to the hospital. This happened maybe a couple hours ago it was already dark. You weren't at home; we figured you had spent the night at a friend's. We heard some commotion and I guessed it was you arriving here... Hey take it easy kid I'm just here to help." I noticed my hands had been clenched into a firm fist. The presence of this guy was seriously getting to me for some reason. Maybe it was his voice. I was fighting to control my breathing; I had no reason to develop anger towards this man in the door.

"We?" I asked, unable to mask my irritation.

"Yes earlier it was my wife and I, she went back home..."

"Let's go." I cut him off. My mind was racing with questions but I knew if I had let them seep out I would never get to the hospital to see my mother. Plus I was certain he didn't have the answers. No one had the answers. I hadn't even had time to let my night sink in and I was already headed back to the hospital to see my mother. Was she okay? I had hoped so.

"What's the date?" I still hadn't figured out how long I had been missing for. We had gotten into his car, it was a new Prius, he was environmentally conscious. He pointed at the radio and it showed the date, it read April 19th; I was relieved I had only been missing for the evening. The drive to the hospital was slow and painful, the silence in the car was deafening. This dude didn't listen to radio? He just tapped his finger on the steering wheel and cruised along the road. The awkwardness hurt. I wasn't sure if I should try to help so I just tried to focus on looking out of the window. I hope he wouldn't start conversation; I rather deal with the silence than have to pretend to want to speak. On the way to the hospital the skies became clearer and as we drove I realized we were heading to the private hospital, not the low quality public one I recently escaped from. I saw kids waiting at their bus stops; they looked just like me some of them, dreading the school bus and the day ahead. The only reason they were there is because attendance was demanded; yet day in and day out they learnt nothing. Except maybe that they should stay away from the kids wearing the fancy brands and who played the big sports because getting near them hurt physically. Or maybe what they learnt was how rejection felt, but high school didn't teach ordinary rejection, it was cooked up and served with a hot side of ridicule and humiliation. Maybe they learnt what it meant to feel helpless and unwanted. They learnt how harsh the system was and how it was designed in a way that put a negative light on the process of learning and the concept of an education. They learnt that in order to fit in most times you had to put on a fake persona. They learnt that having ulterior beliefs from the norm would get you shunned. Those were the lessons being taught to the kids waiting at the bus stop with the sadness permanently imprinted on their faces. Those were the lessons being taught to the kids with the enormous backpacks and the small glasses frames. Those were the lessons being taught to the kids like me. The despair was in their eyes. It screamed pleas for something else, some other experience to help them feel alive. I felt nothing for them. In this world it was everyone for them self and they would have to survive the harsh treatment and hard punches just like everyone else, just like I did.

We pulled up to the hospital and I got out of the car and slammed the door and walked in. I didn't even stop to tell my neighbor thank you or goodbye.

"Hey I'm here to visit a patient." I said to the lady sitting at the desk. She was a very large black lady, she looked very pleasant and welcoming; a trait I had never experienced or associated with hospitals.

"Sorry honey, visiting hours aren't for another thirty minutes. Have a seat right there and I will call you over as soon as its seven o clock." I sat down in the corner and looked at the magazines.

"Can I get you anything dear: tea, coffee, a bagel maybe?" I shook my head; I didn't want her to think I was hungry nor needed any help. I saw her leave her post and I looked again at the magazines. There were things on cars, there were things on business and apparently some chick named Amanda Bynes was out of rehab for the first time in months. Good for Amanda I guess. I picked up a magazine about sports; maybe I could try to understand what Daniel always saw in them. Wow professional basketball players were freaking tall. Not very athletic if you ask me, the hoop was mere inches above them! My stomach had been churning and grumbling. I was indeed very hungry I should have just said yes when I was asked if I wanted something. I looked up and Vanessa, that was the desk ladies' name, was walking over to me with a warm bagel and tea in her hands. I felt my cheeks flush, I was thankful for my darker pigment that kept my blushing unnoticeable. She rested the platter down on the table near me and just smiled at me, nodded and walked back to her desk. She gave me one last glance and smile and got back to work. I stared for a little bit in awe of this ladies' random kindness. Maybe she could look at me and tell I was famished. I picked up the warm bagel and almost swallowed it in one bite. The food was so welcomed. The warm tea relaxed my muscles that I realized had been tight for some time now. I looked at Vanessa again and silently thanked her. She would never know how much she meant to me in that moment.

"Its seven dear, come over here let me sign you in." she said after a couple minutes.

I walked over and she made me sign some quick papers. She said it was in case the building exploded they would know exactly the identity of everyone in it. She laughed but my fake smile stopped her. I was anxious again. Vanessa cleared her throat and walked me to the elevator and told me exactly where to go. I said thank you and went in. My mother was on the fourth floor; the elevator stopped on the third floor and my stomach tightened, I didn't want to run into anyone I just wanted to see my mother, but no one got on. The door closed and the elevator music began to play again, also I noticed it was oddly warm. Everything added to my tension. I began to feel cold and warm at the same time, it was awful. I stepped onto the fourth floor and looked around for a bit before I decided to go left, and then finally decided to go right. I was halfway down the hall getting closer to the room number that Vanessa had given me.

"Excuse me! Excuse me sir!" I hesitated, I surely wasn't a sir. I turned around and a man in a white coat and black slacks was hustling towards me. I stared at him and he stared at me for a bit. I had never been addressed as sir and my confusion showed so he spoke again. "Um hello mister, what are you doing up here? You aren't allowed to just be up here like this. Are you lost?" He looked genuinely concerned about me.

"I... I'm here to see my mother; she's in this room right down here... Room 07." I stuttered through the sentence. My palms were sweating and my skin felt warm and cold at the same time. I was for sure out of my element here. He took out a clipboard and began flipping through some pages. He glanced up at me and I stared at him anxiously.

"Sharon Wilson? You say you're her son?" he asked me the question with eyebrows raised. He was skeptical and that made me angry. I just wanted to see my fucking mother!

"Yes. What's the problem why can't I just go in?" my voice had raised and contained a slight tremble. My emotions were definitely on edge for some time now and the setting was not helping. Where was Vanessa when I needed her?

"Give me one second." He turned and walked down the hallway and began showing his clipboard to some Asian looking lady in a blue-ish nurse dress. I assumed she was a nurse. They both looked at me and the nurse put her hand on her mouth and then looked back at him curiously. Something was clearly wrong. I was tempted to put my own dialogue in the situation thinking it would help calm me a little but just then the doctor nodded at the blue dress nurse and started heading back over to me. My heartbeat increased, I wasn't sure what the news was about to be but something told me I was sure I didn't want to hear it.

"I'm sorry, son, but there is no record of Sharon Wilson having any kids. It says here she has a deceased husband and that's the end of her records."

The doctor continued talking but my increasing heartbeat had just stopped. It felt like it ceased to exist. Time had stopped around me it felt like. The continuous motion of the doctor's lips made no noise to me; instead I heard things like the scratch of pencils, the ding of the elevator on the floors below and a ticking clock nearby. What did he mean she had no children? Didn't he see me standing right here? It must've been a misunderstanding. I know I had imagined a lot of things in my life but surely my being was real. Surely my family was real. The doctor reached his hand out to me I guess he had reached the part in his whole spew where he said I couldn't go inside. I flinched and pulled away and snapped back to the situation.

"Son, I'm sorry but this is a private hospital I can't allow you to go in the room to see her. Only family and people on the list." He showed me the list and there were actually no names on it.

"There must be a mistake, is she conscious, go ask her. GO ASK HER!" I became aggressive I was not okay with this. He said something about not being able to go see her blah blah but I had already tuned out again. My mind raced back to Watson for some reason. My eyes began to water and it got hard to breathe, I felt as if I may begin to convulse at any moment. It was hard to process, I was at the hospital to see my mother and now some man was telling me she was not my mother and not letting me see her. I couldn't tell what I was feeling but I was feeling something. The doctor stood erect and walked back over to the nurse he had just spoken to as if to get a second opinion. My pressure began to flare, my body temperature was rising. I began feeling lightheaded. I stood there for what felt like minutes and the nurse and doctor just stood there; motionless. Something began to rise out of my stomach, I felt like I was going to throw up as my whole world spun. But then everything came to a sudden halt; even the people standing in front of me.

At first I thought they were just in deep conversation but neither of them had budged for way longer than usual. They were eerily still. I took a couple steps backwards keeping my eyes on them and still no movement at all. I could distinctly make out the sound of the clock still; it was the only thing seemingly in motion. Maybe my illusions were getting the better of me and distorting reality. I assumed maybe they just forgot about me which was odd also but I ignored it. I continued backing up until I was right outside of my mother's room; they had still not even twitched. I opened the door and walked in. I noticed that I had begun to feel weakened. I noticed that I was breathing heavily. I was more wound up than I thought.

I walked over to my mother's bedside; she was breathing softly and her eyes were closed.

"Mum." I whispered to her. She didn't respond.

I put my hand out and took hers. I began to weep. The tears came slowly but steadily and they began to cover my face. My mother had been reduced, she looked even more frail and weak than when I had last seen her boozed up and unconscious in the house. I guess that was just the nature of hospitals. I should have taken care of her better, I should have gotten help for her sooner; I should have tried to do something! But I didn't and now she lay here and it looked like she was on her last breath. I stared at the feeble rise and fall of her chest, she seemed so peaceful.

Suddenly the door burst open.

"Hey! How did you get in here so quickly?!" it was the doctor from the hallway barging in. His harsh tone had awakened my mother. She twitched and began to turn in bed slowly. He stopped at the door where he was and looked carefully at her, and then back to me. I stared at her and held her hand even tighter. She stirred and squinted at me. By the look on the doctor's face he was surprised that she was awake.

"Jamie? Jamie." She said it so weakly I didn't want her to say another word. I was so choked up I couldn't even respond so I just kept squeezing her hand. The doctor observed us. I hated him, to be fair he wasn't a bad guy he was just doing his job; nevertheless I hated him.

"Hey young man, I'm sorry but you're not allowed to be here." He came closer to me, he was going to attempt to escort me out and if my mother didn't intervene I was going to attempt to smack him across the face.

"Let him stay, this is my son Jamie," I looked at the doctor and fought the urge to stick my tongue out at him. I reminded myself that I was sixteen and in a professional institution so the tongue would have to remain in my mouth.

"Miss Wilson, your file says that you... "

"I said let him stay. That will be all for now doctor." My mum had cut him off. I had never heard my mother speak defiantly before. It seemed like she gained some type of voice in her weakened state. The face on the doctor was priceless.

"Go mum", I thought. The doctor nodded his head and backed out of the room slowly. He seemed taken aback; he probably hadn't heard my mother even make a sound since she had been admitted.

When we were alone finally we stared at each other. We shared a moment. I felt closer to her then than I had felt in my entire life. I don't remember the last time I held her hand but now I was gripping it like her life depended on it and mine also.

"What happened mum? Why are you in here?" I struggled to speak and keep the tears from coming at the same time.

She broke eye contact with me. She bit her bottom lip as it quivered.

"I don't know what is wrong with me Jamie." A single tear fell to her cheek as she spoke. I was clenching my jaw so as to not break into full tears myself. She spoke again.

"I got up today off of the couch and was finally not numb to the pain. I felt all of it hit me like a wave. I had been hiding from it in the alcohol, but today it found me and hit me like a wave." She paused.

"Everyone feels pain sometimes mum."

She continued as though she had not heard what I had just said.

"I went to the kitchen and smoked my last cigarette because I had gotten up with a plan to kill myself Jamie. I wanted to end my life." She had a cold stare in her eyes. It was as if she was not entirely happy that she hadn't succeeded.

This time I was unable to hold back the tears; I sobbed.

"I had been unhealthy and wasting away for so long that I had developed an aggressive ulcer. When I went upstairs to retrieve the gun, I didn't even have the energy to pull the trigger. I woke up a little bit this morning and the doctor explained all this to me. The gun went off when it hit the floor after I passed out. I am very lucky to be alive, Jamie. I want to get better and be a better person to myself and you. This is like an awakening; a sign that I need to make some changes."

I got the feeling that she was trying to convince me and herself as she spoke. She looked at me. It looked as if there was no one behind her eyes. I looked away.

"You know the doctor said you had no children on file. Haha isn't that funny? They almost didn't let me see you. I had to..." she turned her head away from me and her grip became limp. My voice trailed off.

"Mum?" I asked concerned. She gripped me hard again. She propped herself better in bed and began to speak.

"Jamie," she took a deep breath and then paused as she tried to figure out what to say.

"I know throughout your life I haven't been the best to you. But you're sixteen now and I think mature enough for us to become closer. I want to change my ways, I want to be better. I don't want to lay around in my own filth any longer and I don't want to neglect you any longer no matter what a paper says." I was confused for many reasons. I had always considered my mother the best mother in the world to me regardless of what we had been through. I mean we weren't the closest but she had also never left me alone until recently and I wouldn't ever even hold that against her. She had been through so much but still managed to put food in front of me and a roof over my head. I was about to question what came over her and assure her she didn't have to speak about all this but then she began to cry uncontrollably. She pulled her hand away from mine and blocked her face as she wept into her hands.

"Mum?"

A moment passed where my mother cried silently and I sat there awkwardly confused. The tension in the air was stiff and I felt my heart thumping against my chest, it was becoming hard to swallow. I was extremely uncomfortable. I needed her to say something. The tears had ceased. Then she broke the ice.

"Jamie you're adopted, I'm not your real mother."

She spat it out as if she needed to say it as quickly as possible or she would not be able to say it at all. She looked away.

Numbness crept over my body. Darkness crept into the room. My mouth had gone completely dry; I lost the ability to swallow and was having a hard time steadying my breathing. Feeling began to creep back into me as I felt my fingers cramp from gripping the sides of the chair.

"What do you mean?" I was stunned, completely stupefied.

My mother, or who I thought was my mother continued to look away. She remained silent. The room had grown unbearably tense, I remained unable to swallow. Slowly I had begun to feel chills all over my body; reality had begun to set in, my emotions had begun to stir. Time felt as it stood still. I did not know what to say, and Sharon seemed as though she was incapable of even speaking.

"Jamie..." she managed through a shaky voice. She bit down on her lip I could see it tremble. She could not get anything else out, her empty eyes filled with water but she did not cry. Instead, I did.

She reached for my hand; I recoiled. I did not want to be touched. In that moment I felt a slew of emotions, they flustered and fluctuated from hurt to angry to sad to scared. Then suddenly, I felt nothing. The quiver in my lip vanished along with the tears in my eyes. Sharon looked at me apologetically but it seemed insincere, it did not strike me. I got up to leave and she opened her mouth to speak but I wouldn't let her.

"Stop, you do not have to explain," I said mechanically.

I was on my own. I had felt as if in the minutes that I had sat in the hospital bedroom chair that I had aged a couple years. I no longer wanted to be around her. I needed to get out of there.

"Get well soon," I said, not making any attempt to hide the resentment in my voice.

I could no longer look at her. I got up and without any further words or glances I walked out of the room and out of the hospital. I walked by the doctor who had tried to stop me earlier without so much as acknowledging his presence. The walk home was trance-like; my thoughts were empty as I trod down the street. The realization of being alone was very transforming.

***

I got to my house and went straight to my room and lay in bed. In shock my body slipped away into sub consciousness.

I was in the passenger seat of an old school classic Ford Mustang. I couldn't make out who was driving but they were doing a very reckless job. I was staring out the window with an odd sense of calm resting over me. I was not panicked at the speeding or swerving, I just sat there in silence watching the sights whirl by. It began to rain and the car began to skid, I still didn't panic. There was a very sharp corner coming up yet I still remained calm and enjoyed the view around me. As we approached the corner I unbuckled my seatbelt and smiled. The car spun out of control and I was flung from my seat but the driver seemed fine, I was approaching death but nothing else around me seemed to be in any chaos.

I was in a crowded airplane. It was a small aircraft and with about nine or ten people it felt at capacity. I stood and looked at everyone, there were mixed expressions on the faces surrounding me. Some looked anxious, some looked afraid and some looked excited. I remained expressionless, the sound of the propellers was all I could distinguish, and the chatter around me was inaudible. A door swung open and people all took steps back, cramping into one corner. We were about to jump, the day's activity was skydiving. I was in the middle of the large crowd and I saw a man in the front of the group making gestures and trying to yell over the wind. I still only heard the propellers. He began a countdown with his hands and a green light flashed. It was the signal for someone to lead in the jump and the rest of the group to follow. It was going to be a group jump. The faces of the people around me had become blurry as we began to shuffle to the open doors. Finally we were all airborne and out of the aircraft, spiraling to the ground. Only then I had noticed that my chest and stomach had previously been tightened at the thought of jumping. I noticed because that changed once I was falling, I felt at peace. There was no noise around me; the silence was almost deafening but quite welcoming. Oh the beautiful sound of silence. I closed my eyes and allowed gravity to fully carry me downward. The people around me had all released their parachutes and as I looked around they were all signaling for me to do the same but I ignored. I plummeted and soon I was way lower than the rest of them. I had never felt so free, the feeling was jolting.

I was swimming and swimming and swimming. It felt like hours of swimming; maybe even days lost at sea just swimming. No matter what direction I went, there were never any signs of land. Helicopters and boats passed by and saw me but no one stopped no matter how aggressively I signaled and flailed. I was doomed to not being rescued. I decided I would swim until my muscles just failed me. So I kicked and pulled and headed in one direction, I had no idea which one. I saw land ahead of me at last and I gave my last bit of energy to get to it. As I crawled out onto the sand I saw it was inhabited. However, the people made me feel more alone than ever. I noticed I was happier braving the torrid waters. I turned around and walked to the water and allowed the currents to drag me out and under. As I was being pulled down I felt at peace.

I woke in my bed. My pillow was drenched in sweat. I got up and sat on the edge. I stared out of the window in my room, the sun was setting I had slept all day. I wanted to open my computer up and research what my dreams meant but I assumed that whatever nonsense that was on the internet would only confuse me. It struck me that in my dreams no matter what surrounded me; I felt most at peace when I was alone.

I walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower. The consistency of the water would help me feel a bit of sanity as I struggled to keep myself from the strong pull of insanity that I felt I was on the verge of.

***

As the water came down on me, my mind had begun to spin as it usually did.

Watson had blown my mind, but truthfully it was trumped by what my mother told me. In psychology class we had learned that genetics and environment were the main factors in behavior. But the debate had never been actually settled about which was more prominent. I had always felt that I was like Sharon; she was soft spoken and introverted. When my father, well who I thought was my father was still around I would feed off of her for comfort. I never reacted because she didn't. I never complained because she didn't. I had wished she would fight back because I thought I would be able to follow. But now, the emotions; the anger, the rage, the aggression that had begun to show in me had an explanation. I was not wired like Sharon; I only mirrored her because I didn't know any better. I was wired by my real parents, whoever they were, and maybe they were emotional people.

I had been lied to, I felt like I was cheated. I was cheated my chance of the truth. I was cheated my chance of being myself. What if my family had recently passed away? I had been cheated my chance of meeting them. I should have fought back the man that lived in the house months ago; I shouldn't have repressed how I truly felt. I was cheated my chance at expression. If only I could go back in time. I needed to calm down, I felt myself getting angry.

"No! Why calm down? Because that's what I was taught to do? Keep quiet?" I was shouting to no one.

Well that wasn't who I was anymore.

*Thud*

I smashed the bottle of body wash on the floor of the tub and hit all the shower accessories off of the walls. A fury had taken over me.

*Arghhh*

Storming out of the shower in a rage I found the scarf that I had so recently begun to treasure and ripped it clean to pieces. I had no pictures of Sharon in my room I realized as I looked for more things to rip and smash. I threw all the pillows and sheets on the floor. They weren't violent enough but mixed with screaming and yelling they still exhausted me. Panting and gasping for air I dropped down into the heap I had just created on the floor. The tears and emotion that I had managed to mask earlier in the hospital had broken free and it flowed out. I cried a very hearty, ugly cry. There was no one around as I spoke out at the top of my lungs.

"Why does no one want me?" I cried out.

"No one has ever wanted me! My real parents abandoned me, why didn't they want me?" I took a deep breath and the tears doubled.

In that moment as I felt ugly and unwanted; alone, I did not feel at peace. I got up and ran to the toilet and threw up. I hadn't eaten in a long time and it showed in the amount of bile that poured out. I sat cross-legged facing the toilet bowl and as the tears began to ease up; my mind began to wonder again. Even though the tears subsided, the ugly feeling remained.

Sharon had taken care of me since I could remember. She had let me stay in the house. Her husband, had abused her relentlessly, many of the times he openly blamed me for the problems and aggression and non stop drinking, but she allowed me to stay; she wanted me to stay. It was not the most prime living but I had shelter, I had food, I had clothes and I was always safe. It was all I knew and if it wasn't for her I may not have known anything. As I lay in my mess I began to feel ashamed.

***

Interlude

Sharon Wilson got up from the hospital bed shortly after Jamie had left her. Although the doctors had asked her to stay in the hospital for a couple days, she forcibly checked herself out. News had come to her that her father had passed away overnight and she needed to take a quick road trip to get to him. She had not spoken to either of her parents in years and her mother had been dead for a couple years. She had no intention of helping with any type of funeral arrangements or anything of that sort. She was sure that his bingo friends would see to that. However, she had an inheritance to collect and she would not let being hospital ridden obstruct her from getting her hands on that. She needed the money to buy alcohol as her funds were depleted. She left the hospital and headed straight for the bus station, she had no intention of returning home without her money.

End Interlude

***

Being afraid to be left alone with your thoughts has a way of motivating you to not be idle. I got up from the bathroom and found myself downstairs cleaning my house of litter and spraying it to get rid of the stench. After all the trash had been cleaned up, the smell lingered around. I decided it would take a couple days of attention to get rid of it all. I opened up the windows and blinds and let the light and fresh air flood in. It was almost unrecognizable. Ever since my realization of this thing called emotions, I was eager to find the one known as happiness. This felt like the right start.

I wanted to go see Sharon, she was not my mother but she was my mother figure and that had to mean something. I was alone and I told myself that she was also; maybe we could search for this happiness together.

I sat down in the middle of the now clean living room. I never sat on the couch I always chose the floor. My mind began to wonder again. I was unsure of what I should tell Daniel and Jade. I had missed a couple days of school and after last time I was afraid that they would write me off as a bad friend altogether. I was already aware that I was a horrible person but for some reason Daniel and Jade thought otherwise and I didn't want them to snap out of that illusion. I was worried that they might if I told them what had happened to me. Why would they want to be friends with an orphan child? My birth parents didn't want me around why would they? I decided not to say anything about being adopted and I was also not ready to talk about what Watson had told me. I thought about everything until I became dizzy from my mind running laps around itself. It was time to head back to the hospital.

It had gotten dark as I left my house and got on my bicycle and rode to the hospital. I hadn't been on it in years and the rust and small size was evident of that. Maybe I could get an upgrade one day. I enjoyed the ride to the hospital that night. The moon was full and the stars were out. It had been awhile since I gazed at stars. The cool wind brushed my cheeks and soothed my soul. I took it all in. When I got to the hospital I dropped the bike in the back next to a random bush and sneaked in through an unlocked downstairs window.

"So much for security", I scoffed.

I walked down the hallway and realized it was occupied. This was unlike the hospital I had been in the other night. The workers worked overnight, and they were actually awake and would probably spot me if I wasn't careful. It was around eleven now and visitors were definitely not allowed I couldn't pretend that I didn't know that if I was caught. I snuck behind workers and around tables and under counters. Once in the stairwell I made it easily to my mother's floor. Once on the floor, the same stealth was used as I made it to her room.

In her room the television was on the discovery channel. The dialogue was barely audible. There was a tray of untouched food on the little table next to the bed; it looked very unappetizing it was no mystery people lost so much weight in the hospital. The chair was in the same position I had left it in earlier that day. The sheets on the bed were a lot messier. A fan had been turned on that was off earlier; it made a peculiar whirring noise and on top of the distant chatter from the television, although slightly cacophonous, it was a lot better than the dead silence that was present earlier. However, something was missing, it was Sharon; she was not in the hospital bed.

I double checked the room number to make sure it was the correct room from earlier. It was. I checked the bathroom to see if see if she was in there or if it was empty. It was. I took a minute to make sure that this was not another distorted illusion of mine but was in fact reality. It was.

I had become very used to the bleak, darkness of life. Every day I walked around and I witnessed the negativity to the point where I absorbed it into a part of who I was. It is a startling realization when you begin to become aware that there is a shortage of happiness in your life. Earlier in the day I was so eager to begin to look for it but now as I stood here, with no idea where Sharon, the lady who took care of me was; the spark to search had vanished. I had stepped into a nightmare. I needed to get out of there.

I biked back home and opened up my journal.

Journal Entry Three,

Where do I even... What do I even write? I feel like I'm in the midst of a bad acid trip or someone is playing a really cruel prank on me. I'm confused, lost, scared in a merciless world. A man came to me and told me that I had been chosen to be special. In the same 24 hours I found out that I had been abandoned. Abandoned, chosen; special. What should I make of that?

I lay back in my bed and stared at the ceiling. My thoughts swam and swirled in my head. I did not know when I drifted off into sleep.

***

I woke up the next morning. I looked around my room; I hadn't cleaned up at all from the mess I made the previous day. I walked downstairs after getting ready for school. I saw the note on the counter again saying we had no more grocery orders to collect. I opened the cupboards and the fridges but it was bare. I grabbed a pack of crackers that were only two days past its expiry. I hadn't done anything since the day I said I would try to make money to help put groceries in the house. I couldn't allow my mother and me to go hungry. I knew she was hungry. I know she felt bad for not being able to put food on the table. I would try to help with the void. I was hit with a sudden pang of sadness as I remembered I did not know where my mother was. I was struggling with two rival impulses. One of them was trying to not care about her whereabouts after convincing myself that I was indeed alone in the world, and the other was telling me I should try to find her. I struck a balance where I did nothing but I was concerned about her.

I waited and looked outside my window to see when the bus would come. As it left I grabbed my skateboard and headed to school. Boarding to school wasn't that bad, I didn't have to worry about getting my teeth kicked in. It seemed like sport on the bus and I was no good at sports. It was Thursday and so I knew I wasn't supposed to see Jade today but I wanted to maybe break protocol for a day. I would find her; I wanted to talk to her. I couldn't bear the thought of having her mad at me again. I saw Daniel walking into the campus as usual and he looked happier than usual. He was beaming with pride.

"Hey man how are y... "

"I kissed a girl!" he cut me off. The news was on the edge of his tongue. Indeed when I saw him walking he had a bounce in his step that, even as jovial as he always was, was new. He had gotten a haircut also. His usually bushy locks were gone. I was disappointed on instinct. I had only been gone about three days and he goes and changes his whole hairstyle. I was afraid that more change would soon come.

"Over the weekend I threw a house party can you believe that? My parents were gone for the weekend; they went to the Bahamas I believe." I looked at him quizzically as he spoke.

"Who was there?" I asked him suspiciously. I knew he didn't know many people if any at all outside of me and Jade.

"Well I had a project to work on; it was a group project with this kid Jake and this girl Lisa, both from my math class. We decided we would work on it together at my house. Halfway through the night they realized my parents wouldn't be back. They asked me if we could have a party and I said okay sure."

I didn't like the way this was heading but I kept my mouth closed. My best friend seemed giddy with joy and I was not about to ruin that. He continued.

"They began to make phone calls and set up while I finished the project. The party started and I was still working so I hustled to finish up and join them. I went downstairs and it was way more people than I said were okay but I just went with it. They made me drink alcohol! It was crazy. Also alcohol is gross but it gives you a weird feeling. You ever drank alcohol?"

My chest tightened. I didn't want Daniel drinking at such a young age. My mother's husband was a terrible alcoholic and he was abusive. I understood that the two were not necessarily hand in hand but when I saw how my mother got when she began to drink, all associations that I had with alcohol became negative. I told myself I would never touch the poison. I didn't answer him I just frowned and shook my head.

"You should try it man. I wish you were there I wanted to call you. You really should get a cell phone. At the end of the night Lisa the girl who I told you was in my project gave me a kiss on the mouth. Right on the mouth! I couldn't believe it. She said we should hang out more often and asked if I wanted to be her boyfriend. She kissed me again and I said yes of course! Isn't that great! My first kiss and my first girlfriend, I'm telling you man, the ladies love me."

"That's great man I want to meet her." I lied.

I didn't want to meet her. Who did this girl think she was? I didn't even like to think that my friends had other friends. For a long time that was easy with Daniel but now he has a girlfriend? I was worried the worst was still to come. We walked to class and went our separate ways. I didn't even realize when I walked into my first period class. I couldn't get my mind off of Daniel and the fact that he now had someone else in his life. How could he do this to me? Hurt, I resented his happiness because it now didn't come solely from his friendship with me. I sulked.

In class it seemed that despite the enlightenment that Watson had proclaimed I went through, I still got annoyed by the idiots I was surrounded by. Whatever it was that had changed within me, it wasn't my patience or liking for these people. I sat back in my seat and became caught up in my own thoughts. I daydreamed about Jade a great deal. I felt happy. It was ironic in a way. My mind was never settled, always racing always fluctuating always processing and analyzing. The storm never resided. And yet, when I was fully consumed in it, I was at my most peaceful. I felt safe and sane. I regularly got lost and then found; like a pioneer. It is quite an experience getting lost in your own mind.

I went through the rest of the day in the same pensive mood. Instead of going high up in my tree like I usually do I sat at the bottom. My mind consumed me too much to judge and make fun of people. I wanted to be fully consumed in myself. The day went by quite quickly because of it. I waited in my regular spot for Daniel after class but after fifteen minutes I realized I had been a fool. He had a girlfriend now; he wasn't meeting me after school. Sourly I realized my best friend had abandoned me. I was getting too used to the abandonment.

***

Walking out of school I walked passed a classroom and noticed an older teacher packing up some items on his desk. I looked in and saw him moving heavy boxes, it looked very strenuous and he was visibly quite old. He turned and looked at me and as we made eye contact he smiled a graceful smile. I thought about helping him for a moment. I put my hands in my pockets and hung my head and walked home. It was a cool Thursday evening.

The rest of the school week followed the same pattern. I avoided reality as best as I could. My illusions kept me sane. As the weekend rolled in I discovered a website where I could watch television and movies online and I became obsessed. It helped me escape into a world other than my own. It was sadly euphoric. But it kept my thoughts away from Daniel and his new life, it kept my thoughts away from the fact that my mother hadn't been home yet although she had left the hospital (when I called they said she had checked into rehab), it kept my thoughts away from Jade; briefly. It was one of the best weekends I had had in my life.

***

Interlude

Sharon had travelled through the night to get to her destination. It was an 18 hour bus ride from Florida to the middle of North Carolina where her father used to live. He had been sick for a long time and recently passed away due to heart failure. He had been put up in a mediocre home for the elderly and she had gotten a call while in the hospital bed that he had died and would be buried in two days and she, being the last remaining blood connection to him that was still alive, had to collect her inheritance. Sharon was only concerned with the last part. Ever since her husband had died, something had awakened in her. She was not the passive, kind soul that she once was. She had become soulless, the emptiness showed behind her eyes. She got off the bus and walked into the home.

"Hi, I'm Miss Sanders... Jeffrey was my father," she looked putting on a façade of sadness.

"Oh Miss Sanders we were not expecting you this late at night. You must be so tired from travelling, when did you get here?" the nurse asked kindly. She was buying the act.

"I would rather not speak too much. I came to get the documents and head back to my room. I need to rest and have everything ready for the burial tomorrow."

She had begun to take anxiety pills that the doctor prescribed her to help her wane off of the cigarettes and alcohol. It had helped her become a very composed liar. Not even two days in and she was an abuser.

"Of course, of course, right here." The kind nurse gave her what she had come for.

"Tomorrow will be a long day for us all," she sighed convincingly.

She turned and walked out of the nursing home. She walked to the bus station that was down the road. The transaction had gone faster than she had anticipated. The next bus was scheduled to leave in one hour. She purchased a ticket and sat and waited. She fit right in with the crowd that was out at that time of night; the late night shift. She had become no better than any of them. She boarded the bus and it left North Carolina heading back to Florida. No one on the bus knew the type of monster among them. No one in the nursing home knew that they would not see her again.

End Interlude

***

April 22nd 2013

The day was April 22nd 2013. It would be one for me to remember. It was Tuesday again and my favorite day of the week. I woke up with an unusual spunk and was excited for school. The sun shone through my window and it was so welcomed. I showered and put on my shirt with the least amount of holes and wrinkles in them. The sense of abandonment came with a sense of courage that I had never experienced and wanted to begin to embrace. Maybe the courage would lead me to the happiness. That's what the movies had said anyway.

When I saw Daniel that morning and he was talking about Lisa, I wasn't disgruntled as usual. I decided if Daniel could get a girlfriend, so could I. I had decided over the weekend to tell Jade how I felt about her and ask her to be my girlfriend, which was the reason for my sudden excitement to be in school. I could see it clearly; me, the odd kid with something special that, she; the high school super queen secretly had been in love with and would be happy to date. That's what the movies had said anyway.

My chest was inflated almost as much as my ego. Daniel and I walked to class and this time it was me with the unfamiliar bounce in step. I walked into class and that day I was answering questions and everything. The teacher admitted she was presently surprised that I had known the work that they covered over the course of the year. Many of the students watched me warily; I assumed that they must have assumed that I couldn't speak. It was a new experience for the lot of us.

As the day dragged forward I noticed that once you are excited for something or anticipating something, time seems to slow down. The school day took longer than ever. I sat in the back of the class in my class that was directly after lunch. Splatters of rain began to tap against the window pain. I stared out into the distance; the rhythm of the rain fall put me into a trance. I felt as though I could see every individual drop of rain and follow it as it slid down the glass leaving a trail for the others to follow. My mind began to wonder. I saw shapes and images in the water; I wished I was outside felling the drips on my skin. The brief trance felt like what I imagined sanity or normalcy must feel like. I grabbed the edge of my desk. I saw a woman walk by and for some reason I thought it was Sharon, she still hadn't returned and I had been trying desperately to forget about it. Every day it was a constant internal battle, even to whether I should call her Sharon or my mother. I tried to bury it so that it wouldn't exist, and so far I had been somewhat successful. Now my hairs stood on edge as I thought she had just walked by my school.

"Wilson!"

I jolted in my seat. My teacher had been calling my name and snapped me back to reality harshly. My desk shook from my reaction and the class as a whole let out a chuckle.

"Pay attention," my teacher said sharply. I folded my arms and slouched back into my seat. I needed to get out of there.

At the end of the day I hurried to the regular meet up spot. I figured that since Daniel was swept up with his new girlfriend, I would have some one on one time with Jade without having to lie. I had butterflies in my stomach at the thought. I wanted to tell her about how I felt at her at school so that way we could walk to the park together hand in hand. I couldn't help but blush at the thought. Good thing no one was around to see me as I practiced my lines. I needed it to go perfectly. I knew it would, I had watched enough of it happen on television I had it down. I couldn't wait to see her face light up when I told her. I wish there would be a photographer around to capture it all. I looked around and saw a couple couples walking around the schools holding hand and I looked away quickly. Seeing them made me over anxious. What if I blew it?

"Wilson!" my heart dropped and my lips dried. I tried to swallow but nothing, my heart wanted to leap out of my chest and run away. Jade had arrived just as the doubt had begun to creep up.

As she walked over to me, all the lines I had been memorizing had gone out the window. I got lost looking at her. She was a goddess among women. All other women paled in comparison. It seemed as if nothing existed around her, as if she were walking towards me through an all white room in which she was the main focus. I felt light headed. The butterflies had turned into full on birds and they flapped wildly. She was so stunningly beautiful. My knees shook.

She got up to me and embraced me in an amazing hug. She smelled like what I imagined the inside of a marshmallow smelled like. I was in a cloud. I had gotten used to hugging her and I was ready to take our relationship to the next level.

"Guess what," said Jade.

"I have something to tell you," we said in unison.

We spoke at the same time and so we just stood there looking at each other for a moment; not knowing who should proceed first.

"You go first," she said.

"Haha okay," I said casually. I was trying so hard to be cool.

I put my hands in my pockets and looked down.

"Jade, I've been meaning to tell you for a long time; I love you." I could feel my voice shake a bit and my hands became balmy inside of my jeans. A script would be so good right now.

As I spoke, everything became blurry. It was as if Jade and I stood in the middle of some sort of whirlwind of people and lockers and tables and plants and everything that existed around us. But at this time it didn't really exist, it just mashed together as we were the only things that existed. I was mildly aware of what I was saying, I knew I was speaking and I knew my lips were moving but other than that it was a shot in the dark.

"I look forward to Tuesdays just because it is the day I get to see you. You are the prettiest girl I have ever seen and to be honest I don't even know why you hang out with me. You have the best skateboarding skills I have ever seen and the way your hair flows in the wind is like, I don't even know how to explain it." I paused.

I felt like it was going well, I hadn't looked at her but she hadn't said to stop so I felt confident. I felt like I was doing well. I remember in one movie I watched over the weekend the guy had gotten the girl by being confident and the person who taught him to be confident mentioned that eye contact is key. I decided I would look her in the eye as I was about to finish.

"You're the coolest person, we have been best friends for a while now and," I paused and began to look up while saying my last line. It was all so robotic. I was unaware of how long I had been rambling. Time had gotten sucked into the whirlwind of nonexistence that continued to swirl out of control. My fingertips were numb and I was constantly changing my body position to make sure I didn't come across too awkward but I was fairly certain I was achieving the opposite of that.

In this moment I felt at the epitome of vulnerability. Something about the act of exposing something lodged so deeply within your being, within your soul makes you feel as if you first have to strip away all of the layers that it has been hidden under; rendering you essentially naked. In this moment I felt naked.

"I wanted to know if you would be my girlf..." I trailed off. Max Apple was standing next to her with his hand around her shoulders. He was 6 foot 5 inches tall and filled it out like a body builder. He was one of the guys who ridiculed me the day I somehow ended up in the hospital; he was one of Kevin Stud's football goons. He was a huge bully and his hands were wrapped around the girl of my dreams.

Jade stood looking at me with her hand over her mouth; I stood looking dazed and confused. It had definitely gotten warmer. I tried to say something but the words evaded me. I was waiting for the ground to open up and consume me.

"Wilson," Jade started to speak slowly and cautiously still shaken from the shock but trying to end the awkward moment.

"This is my boyfriend Max..."

She began to tell me when they began dating but my mind had already shut down. It froze up and hadn't thawed out, I was done processing thoughts. We shared a couple more minutes of awkward silence. I felt as though my body was slowly devouring itself. The whirlwind continued but I no longer wanted to be in the middle of it. I had read somewhere that for a person to progress, they have to step out of their comfort zone. That life began when you took risks. The risks I had described earlier. At this moment I had hated the person who came up with that quote. This was reality for christ's sake. I had shown myself bare to Jade and she had not responded in the way I had hoped. I had given her my soul in hopes she would give me hers. She hadn't. I was soulless.

She had not stopped speaking but I hadn't heard any of what she had said.

"Well this was fun," Max said slyly cutting off whatever she had been talking about, "don't worry little man I will take care of her."

With that he grabbed her hand in his big paws, kissed her while he looked at me and then walked off with her. I wanted to lunge at him and bite his ears off but I reminded myself; this was reality. I remained there for what felt like a couple of days. Utterly gutted, my heart had imploded in my body; I was being kept alive by shaking and tingling.

When the numbness took over I felt like I could breathe again. I no longer wanted to embrace emotions and learn how to control them and all that. I preferred the numbness. It was safe.

How could Jade have a boyfriend in her life? She was my best friend. This Neanderthal did not deserve any piece of her. Shaken up I grabbed my skateboard in my arms and walked all the way home. I didn't have the stability to ride.

I entered my house and walked straight to my room. I needed to just lie down. I did not want to be a part of this reality any longer. I needed to get out of there.

***

September 14th 2013

I stood on my doorstep, leaning on a rail smoking a cigarette. I had picked up the habit one day over the summer when it was rainy outside and Sharon had left a pack in the kitchen. At first I thought it was repulsive but it had grown on me. Once a day I would stand on the steps at the front of my house and smoke and think. It was one of my new escapes.

Sharon was inside on her recliner. She had come back to the house at some point in the end of April. I remembered it vividly. It replayed in my head regularly.

"Jamie! I'm home!"

On impulse I had gotten excited, thrilled to see her. But then I remembered why it was better to remain numb and I kept myself from showing or releasing any type of joy for the moment. It was a good call.

"Hey," I said dryly.

"Jamie. Oh I have missed you so much. Come I have to hug you."

When she walked in I had been in the kitchen preparing to make myself a sandwich. She walked over to me and embraced me; I faintly picked up on some familiar smells that instinctively made me upset even before it registered what they were.

"Where have you been?"

She stared at me coyly. She hugged me again.

"Is that all you care about? Don't you miss me?"

I didn't reply. She broke the embrace fiercely and glared at me.

"I was in rehab. They sent me there after the hospital; you remember the place you left me in?"

"I know that's not true."

She looked scared, the first bit of emotion I had seen her show in weeks.

"It is true I..."

"I called the hospital and the rehab clinic. I know you are lying."

She seemed taken aback from my answer and disposition. She was not used to this. I was not even used to this.

She took a step back.

"You know what screw you Jamie! I don't need this!" she snarled and lit a cigarette.

"I don't need this, especially from you! I have been gone for days and you don't even care how I am doing? You are an ungrateful little shit!" she spat at me. She moved her bag around on the table and I heard clunks from inside. Her face had also been unusually drawn and sickeningly sharp.

"What's that in your bag? Are you drunk?" I asked her. The last time we spoke she had told me she would try to be better, that she would put down the alcohol to be better to me. After I heard the bottle, suddenly I knew what the off putting scent was that lingered. She had been drinking.

"It's none of your business what I do! It's my life. You obviously don't appreciate me. I said I was going to be better for you and the first thing you do when I come back is question me! You haven't even let me try!" she bellowed at me.

The cigarette smoke filled the air and mixed with her body odor. She looked like she hadn't slept or showered or eaten since I had last seen her. The demons that she was battling internally had begun to manifest physically. I brushed past her and left the kitchen and went to my room. I needed to get out of there.

Something was different. She was frantic and alcohol only didn't cause that. I sat back on my bed and I had heard her shriek out from downstairs.

Journal Entry 70

Sharon hadn't changed one bit. I should have known the promises would be empty. Things would be worse now than ever. I wish I knew what to do.

As I stood on the doorstep, I reflect on that day. It was the day I realized that something was different, yet that nothing had changed. I had hoped it would but I knew it wouldn't. Having hope for something that you knew was hopeless; it really ages you as a person.

***

Over the summer I had learnt a lot, I was not exactly the innocent kid I was a couple months ago. The transformation was quite sudden and internally I was still grappling with it. I inhaled cigarette smoke, it kept me relatively calm.

Nothing had come of what Watson had told me. I began to believe he was a fraud. I stopped pondering what that was about; the unanswered questions were driving me crazy.

Sharon had begun doing harder drugs. The alcohol was no longer strong enough to lure her from reality so she injected and snorted whatever she could get her hands on. She didn't even eat anymore, all of her inheritance and welfare money went toward her vices. She must have weighed about 90 pounds.

I had fallen out of touch with Jade and Daniel, which I guess was my fault since I hadn't been back to school since April. I had no reason to be there anymore. The school called sometimes but my mother was always high and I never answered the phone so I was basically unreachable. I would go to the skate park at night when I was sure to be alone. I had embraced the fact that I was meant to be alone for the rest of my life.

I had gotten a job. I worked a couple shifts at a local grocery store. It was local enough that I didn't have to travel far, but far enough that I didn't bump into anyone I recognized. The money helped me eat and keep the lights in the house on. I wasn't as naïve about things, I was now paying bills.

I had become sexually active over the summer. That was strange. When I would see the actors do it, they seemed to enjoy it, on the internet and in the media sex looked like something that was fun and great but when it was me, I was just bored. It was with this girl named Lisa; she had approached me one day at the grocery and asked if I could help her carry her bags to the car. She somehow convinced me to come home with her and we had had sex. It was that easy. That was the beginning of my transformation. We were not dating but casually she would come to my house whenever she wanted to see me. I never questioned, or complained, or resisted. I just let it happen; as had become the theme in my life. I had stopped caring about just about everything. The numbness had fully consumed me.

I had begun listening to grungy music and wearing only black clothes. I barely showered and took care of myself. I was like a menace. Stealing things that I wanted and taking things that I did not need. I didn't get anxious either. The numbness had fully consumed me.

As I inhaled the smoke from the last cigarette in the pack I decide to take a walk. I didn't announce when I was leaving anymore, it was useless; Sharon was inside, physically on the recliner and mentally in another universe. I had no destination so I just walked. It was a Saturday morning and the weather was pleasant. I figured I would walk until I decided to turn back. Maybe I would never turn back.

I approached this lake, it was a well known lake and as I got there I wondered why I had never been there before. It was so peaceful. The reflections off of it showed life, the ducks swimming with their young, the ripples of the water, the fish that dwelled beneath the surface. It was the first signs of life I had seen in months in a sense. I was alive, Sharon was alive but there were no signs of life.

"Young man! Young man! Can you get my puppy for me? Don't let him run away!"

I looked around and there was an elderly man sitting on a bench with a wheel chair next to it. His puppy leaped playfully toward the lake and was jumping and wagging at the birds that were bathing. I walked up to it grabbed it by the leash and walked it over to him.

"Here you go," I handed his puppy over.

It was a cute little animal I remember with a brown fluffy coat, a black nose and big trusting eyes. The man looked oddly familiar but I couldn't place where I knew him from. He had silver and blonde wispy hair and beard. He wore small reading glasses and had a very plump frame. He had a fair complexion and bright green eyes that stood out. Oddly enough, his puppy resembled him, especially the honesty and intensity in the eyes, which I didn't know was possible. They both looked so friendly. Both dog and owner looked at me fondly. I thought I knew him. He knew me.

"Wilson it's a pleasure to see you! How are you? My you have grown!"

I stood there racking my brain. Where would he have known me from?

"Umm I..."

"Its fine you don't have to pretend you remember me. I taught at Taravella High School, we never had class together but I always kept an eye on your test scores. I've heard a lot about you."

He looked at me directly in my eyes; so intensely that I had to keep looking away. Although I stood up as he sat, it felt as if he was directly in my personal space.

"Sit down with me; you're not in a rush are you?"

I sat down on the bench next to him. Seeing him from the side I realized he was the professor I had seen packing up every day when I was leaving school; Professor Lohberg.

"You're professor Lohberg right?"

"Ah so you do know of me. Please call me Michael."

"I remember I would see you packing boxes after school when I walked by your classroom. My friend, err, Daniel was in your class." I felt a pang in my chest as I mentioned his name.

"And you never came in to help me? Haha! Teenagers!"

My cheeks blushed. I had been a jerk.

"Have you ever fed the ducks before?" he asked me handing me a handful of seeds.

We sat on the wooden park bench and lost track of time, neither of us spoke. I had never fed the ducks before. As I sat there and observed how the ducks moved I became fascinated. There were no cliques, no separation, and no groups. Everyone shared evenly in the food; the bigger ducks made sure the smaller ducks ate. What a way to live, I thought, I marveled at the simple beauty of their life. Humans would never experience this type of simplicity.

"So what are you going to do now that you dropped out of school?"

I jolted as he broke the silence.

"How do you know I dropped out of school?"

"This is Tamarak son everyone knows about everything."

I felt embarrassed.

"I have no plans," I said truthfully.

"You'll figure it out, you're a smart kid."

We went back to feeding ducks and began casually talking. I was comforted by the fact that he did not press the subject. I was still dealing with the shock of actually dropping out and the thought was awkward. I was grateful that he respected my privacy, or did not care or whatever the reason was for not asking. We noticed the sun begin to go down. I didn't realize until then how long I had been with Professor Lohberg. It was the first time in months that I had had any kind of conversation. The first time I hadn't felt completely like an empty shell. The first time I hadn't been numb.

"Look Wilson, look at the sunset. Orange, blue, pink; no amount of paint mixing could come up with that type of expression of color. It's simply majestic."

Michael was in awe at the scene. It was just a sunrise I thought. What was the big deal?

"Yeah it's cool" I said.

He had stopped talking just to admire. He looked at the sunset like it would be the last view he had ever seen. We got this sunset many times a week and as he stood there gazing; it seemed as if he hadn't seen it since he was a little boy. It was passion that I had not seen before. I almost felt bad that I didn't feel like that toward it; toward anything. Even his dog admired the view, like his master he seemed to be fully in awe.

"Always appreciate the view; there are people in the world that can't see."

I got up and began to walk myself home. I left Professor Lohberg and his puppy, Lazlo was his name, on the park bench. They really enjoyed each other's company. I saw genuine happiness behind his eyes whenever they looked at each other. I doubtfully wondered if anyone would ever look at me like that, or make me look at them like that. I was hopelessly hopeful.

As I walked I thought about the ducks. The bigger ones looked after several babies at a time. They ensured that every duckling was a part of the group. Why had I been abandoned by the people who were supposed to make sure I was okay? Why was there no one around to make sure I was a part of a group?

I kicked the trashcan outside of my house. The contents flew out in a mess. Professor Lohberg had somehow peeled away some layer and I felt vulnerable for the first time in months. I fought to keep myself under control. When I walked in my house and saw my mother sprawled on the floor, slumped and drugged out with a syringe in her loose hand I remembered why I had built up such a resistance to feelings and I snapped back to my reality. I stooped over her to make sure she was still breathing. She was. I stepped over her and walked up to my room. I whipped out my journal.

I wanted to write about how I had been tempted to search for happiness again. I wanted to write about how I had been tempted to believe that good existed. I wanted to write about the ducks. I wanted to write about how much I liked Lazlo. I wanted to write about one day becoming passionate about sunsets.

Journal Entry 93

Today I met Professor Lohberg. He's cool.

I put my journal away. I had worked hard to stay away from emotions and dreams that I would never realize. A silly day in the park would not change my perspective.

***

February 19th 2014

I was speeding down a freeway in my '98 Mustang. Jade was in the passenger seat and Daniel was in the backseat. We were belting out tunes from our favorite Red Hot Chili Peppers CD and hitting every note and air instrument with exemplary precision. We had no destination and no motive but to get away. As I crossed an intersection I was rammed on the side by an 18-wheeler. My car rolled and flipped into a nearby body of water. We were sinking fast. Suddenly, a foot kicked through the passenger window and a body grabbed Jade out of her seat. Daniel was not buckled in the backseat and so he swum out of the passenger window. I was trapped, steadfast in the driver seat, my buckle had malfunctioned and no one was around to rescue me, no one was around to hear me scream, no one would be around to see me drown. Sirens droned in the distance.

The sirens bled into my alarm as my nightmares bled into reality.

I awoke every morning to the beginning edge of the sunrise. Professor Lohberg and I had begun to hang out increasingly at the park to feed the ducks. Anytime I managed to go down there, there he was with Lazlo. I went often, I enjoyed their presence. His passion had infected me a little bit. I had grown to fall in love every morning and every evening at each sunrise and sunset. I experienced nightmares many nights a week. However, my new appreciation for the rising sun had helped me strike a balance. I would wake up scared, or saddened or frustrated and then the rays of the sun would refresh me. I didn't feel happy, but I felt as if I was close.

Today though, my nightmare resonated with me even after the sun was fully in the sky. I thought about my old friends once in a while but was always able to push the thoughts away. Today I was having no such luck. The thought of them never seeing me again had left an imprint. I had always been okay with not seeing them because I was comforted by the fact that we would surely cross paths again. But soon they would graduate, and I may never get that luxury. The thought of death never really frightened me. There was not much that I felt worth living for anyway but I was afraid of others dying. I remembered the passing of Sharon's husband and how I had felt at that moment. There was so much that I wanted to say to him but never did and then it was abruptly too late. I did not want the same thing to happen to Daniel and Jade; at one point in my life they brought me joy. I hoped maybe they would bring the joy back, but I knew that it was a pointless hope. I really just wanted to see them again.

After I showered and dressed I strut downstairs pondering if I still remembered where Daniel lived after an entire year. I wondered if he moved.

"Jamie, come here."

The sudden voice startled me and I jumped. It was Sharon from the couch. My relationship with her had become simple in its complexity. There were so many layers but we both just avoided it and lived together. I couldn't even consider it living together anymore, it was more like she lived there, or existed there rather, and I lived there too. She no longer had any authority over me; I no longer looked at her for anything. To me, on the surface at least, she just existed.

"Oh shit you're alive you scared me Sharon. What do you want?" I asked as I walked over, holding my breath. The smell had a way of fighting its way into your nostrils.

"Can I borrow some money?"

I looked at her with disgust. It was astounding how quickly she fell from grace in my eyes. I used to believe she would always be there, that she would guide me and since we were so alike we would be okay if we stuck together and figured it out. But she was not interested in me. She was not interested in anything except the high that the substances gave to her.

"What do you want to borrow money for?"

"Cigarettes and feminine products," she quickly said, avoiding eye contact.

"Here take mine, and I'll get whatever products you need," I took my cigarettes out and dropped it in her lap.

She dashed them to the floor instantly.

"No I don't smoke those."

"Tell me what you smoke and I will get it, that's easy." I replied very matter-of-fact. I knew she didn't want to buy cigarettes or feminine products. She wanted drugs and the welfare check wouldn't come again until March.

"Just give me the money and I will get it boy!" She had begun to raise her voice and her pupils dilated. She looked frightening. This was the epitome of the bottom of the barrel.

"I'm not giving you any money! What did you use the welfare money to buy?"

"That's none of your fucking business! What I do with the money I deserve is my business!" she spat.

"Not when you have a child to feed, you're so selfish. More of it goes to your addiction than on groceries for me to eat. I'm not giving you anything!"

"I am not addicted to anything!" she was now hollering. I'm sure the neighbors were being entertained. We had fighting matches sometimes when she would get in my head and at first I used to back away and give in but I would stand my ground.

"Ha, you're only fooling yourself saying that. Look at you. You're a mess and you look it. What do you mean you're not addicted? You do every drug I have ever heard of. You're disgusting! You can't even take care of yourself. You can't even take care of your child!" I snarled at her.

"I'm disgusting? Your parents didn't even want you," she said with a lowered voice. The whisper made it somehow more lethal.

I had been breathing heavily because of the fighting match. My temper was flared, along with my nostrils. My fist was clenched. Then suddenly, after she said that, my body shut down. I felt eerily relaxed, my heart rate slowed. The numbness had consumed me.

"They gave you up and I was nice enough to pity the child and adopt you as my own and this is how you treat me? You don't appreciate shit! You think you're so much better than me and I'm disgusting, well at least my parents kept me," her voice remained lowered.

"Fucking doorstep child!" she yelled.

Coolly, I walked away and out of the house. I needed to get out of there.

Or so I thought.

I crossed the threshold and something made me spin around and go back inside. I had just shown the calm before the storm.

From where I stood just outside the living room area, I could see my mother wrapping a belt around her arm. I had learnt this is how the drugs were injected. I stormed over to her ready for a second battle.

"STOP IT!" I yelled at her.

I slapped the needle out of her hands. She looked up at me startled. She hadn't heard me come back as she was focused on the task at hand. The injection process was very detailed.

"You're ruining your life and you are ruining mine! Its 9am for Christ sake you can't even go through a morning? And you say you're not an addict? You are pathetic that's what you are!" My head was throbbing, the adrenaline had returned; the storm was here.

Sharon looked at me, a look of fear and astonishment in her eyes. In all the fights we had had she hadn't seen me fuming like this. A part of my being had still cared about her and I knew that no matter what it always would. I had begun to care less about her but I know it would not be good to lose her. I didn't want to attend another funeral anytime soon but if she kept at the pace she was at now, she would surely be gone soon; she would surely be meeting the Grim Reaper soon. I needed to strike a chord. She looked at me analyzing what she should do next. Had I struck a chord? I hadn't.

"You think you're better than me Jamie? Why did you come back here? You came back to raise your nose and look down on me? Look at yourself!" she took a break and spat on the floor near my feet.

"You're no better than me. You say I'm disgusting and pathetic? What about when I was protecting you from my prick of a husband to make sure he didn't take any of it out on you, did you think I was scum then? What about when I picked you up from a doorstep where your birth parents just left you was I pathetic then? You know nothing, you sit around here judging and you think you know it all but you're just a little shit that no one wants and everyone pities. Why do you think your so called friends never came to visit you? Get out of my sight!" she snarled at me venomously. Her nostrils flared, she looked like a parasite; infected and infecting.

I stood my ground.

"I deserve an escape," she looked at me. Her eyes horrified me; she looked as though she had been possessed. Something was a hold of her that she had lost control over; completely. It was as if she wasn't Sharon.

She had a second needle in the bag that lay beside her and she pulled it out, her grip tight around it, and prepared to get high in front of me.

"NO!" I shouted. My voice echoed eerily.

She froze. Everything around me froze. There was a slight breeze that blew the curtains and the curtains stopped moving. The room seemingly got darker; the candle that was always lit on the table went out suddenly. My mum was paralyzed, with a syringe in her hands, not moving. I noticed I was holding my breath and beginning to feel drained. Panicked, I looked around to see what was happening. Was I doing this? The only movement, the only noise was a ticking clock on the wall. I stepped backward in fear and fell over a stash of bottles on the floor. As I crashed to the floor, I exhaled a heavy breath and the curtains began to flow again. The wind lit the candle on the table and my mum stirred sluggishly. She said nothing. Her hand with the needle in it plopped gently onto her lap. What had happened? I needed to get out of there.

I got off the floor, dusted my hands and pants and ran out of the door. I had planned on going to see Daniel but I only wanted to talk to Professor Lohberg. I sprinted straight to his door, despite being weak, winded and dazed. I knocked profusely on his handle to no response.

"Professor Lohberg! Michael!" I yelled over and over.

There was no answer. I leaned my back against the door to catch my breath and gather my thoughts. Watson had said that I now possessed something special. Had I just seen and used it for the first time? What even was that? It was impossible to calm down at the rate my heart pounded. I fell to the floor and sat there for a while, exasperated.

"What just happened?" I shrieked to no one. I was by myself as I slid onto the floor.

Leaning against the door sitting, I pulled out my pack of cigarettes to try to help myself calm down. After a couple puffs my breathing had regulated.

"The sun will come up and the sun will go down, as long as you get to witness that, you should never be too worried." I thought of Professor Lohberg's sayings. I decided that I would go see Daniel as was the earlier plan. The demons in my head could wait till later. I ran back to my house to get my skateboard and headed to Daniel's neighborhood.

***

I knocked on the door and Daniel's mother opened the door.

"Hi?" she said, "can I help you?"

I had never met Daniel's parents. I had been to his house only to play in the backyard when we were younger and his parents were almost always away on business. His mother was a plump lady of average height who looked like she could be very sweet.

"Hi," I said, "I'm here to see Daniel."

"Oh hold on he will be right out."

She went in to get Daniel and I sat on the steps of his porch. I wished I had bought cigarettes on the way because my stomach was in knots, I was very anxious about the situation. I couldn't tell if I was angry or sad that Daniel hadn't come to visit me since I left school. I had no idea what this confrontation would be like. The door swung open and Daniel walked out. He had grown a lot, started showing signs of facial hair. He was not the little kid I remembered. It seems we had both grown up somewhat.

"Daniel..." I didn't know what else to say as I got up to greet him.

"Jamie?" he said in a deep voice that I hadn't heard from him before that I wasn't exactly ready for. He cupped his mouth.

"Holy shit is that really you?"

"Yeah it's me, Jamie..." I trailed off again.

We both stood not knowing what to say for a while; Daniel cupped his gaping mouth and put his hands on his heads and any other movement that shows disbelief.

"I don't believe this man. I didn't know what happened to you. One day you just stopped showing up and I had no way of contacting you or finding you, I thought you ran away or..." his voice trailed off, we both knew what he was thinking.

"I left you a letter saying I would never be back to school and where my address was, I left it in one of your classes." I said. I tried to mask the disgust in my tone.

I had taken it personally that neither Daniel nor Jade had come to visit me but more so Daniel. He was my right hand man.

"What letter?" he asked innocently.

"I wrote a letter last year the week after I decided I wasn't coming back to school and I taped it on to one of your desks in one of your classes I forget which one now." I frowned.

"I never got a letter Wilson, I swear."

I stood there awkwardly. He hadn't known anything, the stupid letter never got to him. In my selfish ways, I never came to see him and held on to the anger that he hadn't come to see me and used it as an excuse. Suddenly I began to feel the numbness ebb away. I began to cry. I turned away from him and sat on his steps again and buried my head in my lap. I had been so foolish.

"Hey man, I haven't seen you in a year and you're gunna waste time crying? We have so much catching up to do." He hadn't changed much. He was still positive. He had held no animosity towards me. He wasn't as nerdy looking and excitable, he had put on some weight in muscle and actually looked like a cool kid but as I would learn; he still enjoyed talking even if the other person didn't contribute.

"I've been mad at you for a year for not coming to see me when it wasn't even your fault." I blurted out through spurts of wailing all while trying not to cry too hard.

He paused for a moment; he had never seen me like this he had begun to tear up as well. He, however, was a lot more composed than I was.

"I'm sorry too you know. I could have tried harder to find you and see what had happened. When you had stopped showing up I figured it was just another one of your phases where you decided not to come to school. Jade thought the same thing. I had begun to get obsessed with my relationship too and that didn't exactly encourage me to find out what happened to you." He paused.

"What did happen?"

I had started to feel vulnerable again around an old friend; I wanted the feeling to go away. I told him, with minimal detail, the story of Jade.

"And then I just never came back to school."

"Jade has never even mentioned that. Her and I don't hang out much anymore she has her boyfriend and I have my girlfriend."

Daniel looked at me skeptically. I didn't blame him; I looked at myself skeptically sometimes.

"You and Jade aren't close anymore?" I asked trying to sound as indifferently as possible. I was so desperate to know about her.

"No," he said simply.

My two best friends weren't really friends anymore. So much had changed; it was way more than I imagined.

Daniel and I sat on the steps and talked for hours. Since I had met Professor Lohberg I had learned how to engage in conversation. When I got over my initial resentment it was delightful catching up with Daniel. He was basically the same kid at heart, quirky and enthusiastic about everything. He was doing really well and I felt happy for him. I hoped one day I would find this type of happiness.

I told him my situation with my mother; I told him I had been struggling with depression and anxiety and resorted to cigarettes. He listened closely and never judged. I appreciated the conversation. I notice that I had begun to envy him; he was doing well without me in his life. When I was his friend he would get beaten up all the time, he was a loser. Now that I was gone he was doing so much better. He had even been given a spot on the basketball team that he always wanted to make; the same spot that I thought was only fantasy to him. I had begun to get cold during the conversation. Not cold from the weather but cold from my envy. Everyone was happy except me. I wanted to get home before the sunset. I needed to get out of there.

"I think I should get going man, I've had a long day and it's getting late soon," I suddenly and abruptly.

"You should stay and have dinner Wilson; we are having ribs and potatoes."

I knew if I left to go home, my dinner would likely be cereal and milk if there even was any fresh milk left. Maybe there would be bread and cheese if I was lucky. I hadn't told anyone, Professor Lohberg or Daniel, about my financial situation. There was only so much pity that one could deal with. I was in no position to turn down free dinner of this caliber. But I couldn't seem hungry.

"No thanks man, I have dinner at home that I have to cook too I really appre..."

"I'm not taking no for an answer, you are staying for dinner," he cut me off.

I stared at him. He was composed and confident, sure that I wouldn't refuse him. Who was this guy?

"Okay yeah sure man."

I was in awe. I wondered if I had gone back to school if it would be socially acceptable to hang out with Daniel or if he would let himself be seen around me. Staying for dinner I felt almost hypocritical. A second ago I was envious of him and wanted to get far away. Now I was staying for a free meal.

Inside the living room, Daniel and I sat around and made awkward small talk. We had finished catching up for the most part and the void in how far apart we had grown showed immensely. When it was time for dinner we gathered at the dinner table and I met his family. His father a large, brawny man sat at the head of the table and looked at me with disapproval. He wore loose linen button ups and slacks. Based on the looks he had been given me, I was grossly under dressed in his eyes. His mother looked down at her food the majority of the time, she barely made a sound. There was obvious tension in the room and although I knew it was because of me, I could not be sure why. The interactions had grown fake and insincere. It was not like the ducks that I had seen at the park and their relationship. There was a different breakdown here and it was not simple. The beauty of it was lost on them. When we were done with the first course, I heard a car pull up and the door to the house opened.

"I'm so sorry I'm late. There was tons of traffic on the highway, some crazy accident."

In walked Lisa Noelle. She was a tall, slender, blonde-haired girl with sun-kissed skin and perfect teeth. She was averagely pretty but somehow stunningly noticeable. Something about her always turned heads. She dressed simply and had a big personality. She looked shy and quiet but was very outgoing and outrageous. She smiled but behind the grins there was malice. Her eyes were bright but behind them, there was darkness. I was the only one in the room suddenly aware of it. She introduced herself as Daniel's girlfriend; she was the girl I had been having sex with regularly since summer.

Daniel's father rose from the table excitedly to greet Lisa. He was clearly in awe of the girl that had been his son's first girlfriend. He hugged her genuinely but the embrace she returned was a façade. The aura in the house had gone from bad to worse. I felt my stomach muscles tighten. Daniel's mother still hadn't said anything.

"Wilson, you can finally meet my girlfriend, this is Lisa," said Daniel.

He had risen to his feet to get her bags and kiss her.

I choked on my water. Lisa walked over to me as if we had never met and she introduced herself to me.

"Hi Wilson nice to meet you," she said not even phased slightly.

She stuck out her hand to shake it and looked at me. I stared at her for a while. The room went silent; no one understood why I wasn't responding. It was a simple greeting. She stood there with her hand out, looking convincingly confused. She knew exactly what I was thinking.

"Cat got your tongue boy?" said Mr. Stevens rather meanly.

"Um hi, nice to meet you too Lisa," I said more as a question than a statement. I shook her hand quickly and looked down at my plate. I suddenly had no appetite. I suddenly regretted staying for dinner. I needed to get out of there.

Lisa sat down at the table on the chair next to mine. I began to sweat and panic. I did not know what to do. My anxiety did not need this. And it was worse because she seemed to be fine. Had I been wrong? Maybe I had been involved with a different Lisa and the name was just a coincidence and the face was just a similarity.

"Can you pass the bread?" asked Lisa to the general table.

No it was definitely the same person. I recognized the voice way too much. I hoped they did not notice that I was internally freaking out. I hoped the worry didn't show on my face. Now I was worrying about worrying. I was having a meltdown. Why was this happening to my life? I had just reconciled with an old friend, and now this happens. Why couldn't things just be normal? Professor Lohberg had told me that in order to be happy and attract happy things into my life, I would have to think happy thoughts. It was the law of attraction he would say. I tried day in and day out to change my thoughts but every morning I would walk down stairs and see my suffering mother on the couch nearing an overdose and open my fridge to see nearly no food. It was hard to be positive. I constantly dwelled in dark thoughts, environments, and surroundings. By the law of attraction I would constantly attract dark thoughts, environments and surroundings. The law of attraction was currently at work.

The conversation at the table had become increasingly fake, the majority of it between Mr. Stevens and Lisa. Daniel chimed in from time to time whenever his father would give him a chance, and my role was reduced to nodding or one word answers on the rare occasion any questions were directed toward me. It was becoming too much for me. I had been picking at the food because my stomach was in knots; I wasn't participating in any part of this dinner. I needed an exit strategy but I was grappling with telling the truth.

Professor Lohberg had instilled in me a sense of honesty. He had believed that life could end at any moment. That you could walk out of your house and be hit by a bus. And there would be people left on earth that would have no idea of the truths that you failed to speak. He was always honest no matter the brutality or sharpness. I had witness it firsthand when he had taken me to lunch and told a cashier that he would not tip him because his service was among the worst he had ever experienced. I admired it. I wanted to be like him. I figured that would help me find happiness. I had to tell Daniel. I needed to do it in private.

"Daniel, can I talk to you outside for a minute?" I said as hushed as possible across the table.

I pushed my chair back slowly while everyone was caught up in conversation, trying to create as little of a scene as possible. I had barely touched my food. My heart thumped and I stood up.

"Um yeah sure..." Daniel responded looking appropriately confused.
He had begun to get up but his father barged in.

"Anything you need to say to Daniel you can say to everyone here." He said angrily. His mother joined in with the glare, finally looking up from her plate, her eyes a tint of fear present. Lisa, eerily, sat in silence and continued eating.

"That's not really necessary sir, I just need to talk to Daniel and then I will be on my way." I responded meekly. My stomach was in flames. My anxiety had such a grip on me. It was hard to breathe. I was trying my hardest not to discharge.

"No one is talking in private," he slammed his hand on the table, "this is my house!"

I had no idea why he was getting so livid. The situation did not call for that type of fury but it seemed to be his nature. His response shocked me and I felt my stomach muscles briefly loosen. I was in trouble.

*BARF* I threw up all over the floor.

The hard pumping of my heart had caused me to grow nauseas. I opened my mouth to ask Daniel away from the table and all that came out was whatever I had eaten in the last twenty four hours. The father stood up and glared at me. All the chatter ceased, so much for causing a little scene as possible.

Lisa had stopped eating and stared.

Mrs. Stevens clasped her hands over her mouth.

*BARF* I had lost all control of my stomach muscles.

I was now clutching my stomach in one hand and the chair in another in an attempt to not fall over. The anxiety attack was intense. I struggled to catch my breath.

"What is wrong with you? Daniel, this is the filth you bring into this house?" Mr. Stevens spat at his son. His son stared at him stupefied, looking from him to me.

I tried to speak but I just gagged. I kept my mouth close as I tried to regain composure.

"Young man, you have ruined my family dinner tonight and spoilt the night for our guest," he said gesturing toward Lisa sympathetically. Lisa managed to somehow look unaffected; she didn't appear to be aware of the situation.

"I'm... sorry... I will leave." I sputtered.

"You better sit down and say what it is that is causing this madness. You had something to say, you are not leaving until you say it!" Mr. Stevens snarled. His nostrils were flared and there was a vein on his neck and one on his forehead that looked as though they were competing to see which would burst first. I was terrified.

I briefly had an impulse to attack Mr. Stevens, but then I remembered Daniel once told me he was ex military and that fantasy evaporated instantly.

Mr. Stevens glared at me as if he would strangle me unless I made things clear right away. I tried to calm my nerves and get a hold of myself enough so that I could speak. I couldn't manage, so flustered; I spoke anyway.

I looked at Daniel, his wide eyes looked terrified. This was not the idea he had in mind when he had invited me in for dinner. The shock registered on his face. Lisa, eerily, seemed unaffected.

"Daniel... Lisa is the girl I told you about," the chair shifted and my leg gave out under me, I hit the floor.

"Wilson!" Daniel rose from his seat and attempted to help me but his father gave him a look that silently signaled him to remain where he was. He acquiesced.

I took one deep breath. I imagined it may be the last one I would ever take.

"Lisa is the girl I told you I had been having sex with since summer, your girlfriend has been cheating on you." I gasped out.

The room that seemed loud and chaotic before fell calm and silent.

Everyone stood still, no one knew what to do or say. I lay on the floor gasping and clutching my chest, my panting was the only sound. Mrs. Stevens had retreated to the kitchen where she could see but was still far from the core, still had a firm clasp over her mouth. She looked as though she would faint at any moment. Mr. Stevens' veins had subdued, but the clench of his fist and jaw I was sure they would be back. Lisa remained seated, looking at her plate and aloofly around the room. Eerily, she never stopped eating her food. Daniel looked from me to her, aghast. The house was now a scene from a movie. I was lying on the floor hobbled over in pain trying not to barf again.

The silence and calm ended abruptly as the loud chaos returned.

"How dare you, you little shit!" Mr. Stevens snarled; his veins back in full form.

Ha I had heard that today already I thought. In the midst of everything my mind found time for some dark humor. I needed to get out of there.

"You come to my house, and first you disrespect my wife by not eating the food she generously gave to you, and then you disrespect my abode by discharging on the floor, and now you disrespect my son and his girlfriend by saying something so vile out loud? Are you crazy? Are you a fool?"

He had stepped from behind his side of the table and now there was nothing between us.

I struggled to speak. I could barely keep my eyes open. I had begun to shake slightly. This was my first anxiety attack. This was no ordinary anxiety attack. Anyone who has anxiety attacks knows that having them in front of other people is a whole other nightmare; and of course it was my reality.

Mrs. Stevens had begun to weep. Daniel had a perpetually confused look on his face as he looked from me to Lisa and then to his father. Mr. Stevens looked as though he was ready to evolve. Lisa continued to eat her food, eerily.

"Daniel, this is the awful company you keep?" His father spoke sternly. I noticed he did not have to raise his voice very much. Daniel looked at his dad with even more fear in his eyes than I felt showed in mine, and I know was petrified. Mr. Stevens was a bear of a man, who looked like he spent his days chopping wood and wrestling moose. He could have easily been a professional wrestler.

Lisa still had not budged, but finally she had stopped playing with her food and was looking at everything going on. I couldn't gauge what was going on in her head. Was she just aloof to the whole situation naturally? I felt that hard to believe, there was mass chaos. Was she pretending to be aloof and uninvolved so that she looked innocent in the middle of all of this? Was she just in shock? Why wouldn't she say something?

"Lisa!" I mustered the energy to shout, "Tell them the truth; say something."

Suddenly, as I had gained the courage and energy to shout at Lisa my heart began to slow down and the shaking slowed to a stop. I grew angry that I was reduced to lying on the floor, and suddenly the anxiety began to slip away. I could breathe again.

I sat up and Mr. Stevens grew closer to me. We stared at each other in silence.

Lisa interrupted it.

"I'm not in the mood for any of this drama, I'm leaving, Daniel you can call me if you ever want to apologize for putting me in a position like this, goodbye," and with that she stormed off. Everyone turned to watch her leave. Daniel did not have a chance to respond.

I was astonished.

"You've ruined my son's relationship," Mr. Stevens looked at me the same way a predator looks at his prey after the prey had been annoyingly elusive but was finally cornered, he snarled, "now I'm going to ruin your life."

He lunged toward me.

"Dad NO STOP!" yelled Daniel leaping up from his chair.

Everything around me froze.

Daniel's father was crouched over, almost at my throat but he had stopped moving and just hung there his muscles tensed but stiff. I got up off the floor aghast and looked at him, studied his body. He didn't even twitch. Mrs. Stevens stood in the kitchen paralyzed with her makeup smeared and a handkerchief held to her face, not even her chest moved. Daniel half sat half stood at the table, it looked as if he was just rising from his chair; his mouth was steadfast and wide open. The ominous ticking of a clock was there. It reminded me of earlier today and then at the hospital, the ghastly ticking of the clock grew symbolical for something; but I wasn't sure what.

Nothing around me moved. Earlier the same thing had happened and I hadn't understood it then either. I walked around and waved my hands in front of the eyes of everyone in the house. Not a budge.

It was me.

I looked at my hands; I scanned them to see what was happening to them. Nothing; everything appeared normal. I shook my head to make sure I was seeing properly and studied everyone in the house who remained still a second time. Not a budge. I realized my heart began to beat fast again and my aches began to return, I was losing energy. Whatever I was doing, whatever was happening here, whatever happened earlier caused me to lose energy. I dropped to my knees with a huge hacking stream of coughs. Slowly I felt my lungs fill with air and my heart begin to regulate. I recovered and looked up, Mr. Stevens was no longer lunged over; he just stood straight, silent, still. Daniel and Mrs. Stevens stood the exact same way; life seemingly gone from their body and surely from their eyes. I tried to wrap my head around what had just happened but it remained blank and screwed up. I would need someone to explain this to me. I needed to get out of there.

I rushed out of the house. Standing outside on the steps facing outward, was Lisa Noelle. She was standing silent and still just as the others in the house stood. The wind blew her hair but she stood frozen. Her jacket and purse had fallen to the floor. Her eyes were empty. I grabbed my skateboard and pushed all the way home as quickly as I could. The streetlights were now on. I had missed the sunset. I needed to get out of there.

***

Journal Entry 95

Something weird happened today. It happened twice. So two weird things happened today. But it was the same thing twice. Different situations but same thing. Something so weird happened today. So get this I was fighting with my mother earlier and yeah I know that's normal but the weird part came when she tried to inject herself in front of me. I got riled up and I yelled at her to stop, and she stopped! But it was no ordinary stop she literally froze in place like a game of freeze tag. I began to feel weak though and I sneezed or something and she unfroze, but she didn't go back to injection she just sat in the chair and stared all lifeless and stuff. Then I thought that was weird enough, so I left and ended up at my friends Daniel house, well we used to be friends as you know, and anyway I got into a huge fight with his parents. Oh I almost forgot you won't believe this, Lisa came over for dinner remember I told you about Lisa the girl I was having sex with well it turns out that she is his girlfriend and she showed up for dinner and sat with us like she did not even know me but I knew it was her because her voice is so distinct you know anyway so I ended up saying out loud that I was having sex with her to Daniel and his family, well I tried to talk in private but his father was out to get me and made me say it in front of everyone and then I had an anxiety or panic attack in the middle of it so I was throwing up and I fell to the floor and then Lisa stormed out and Daniel's dad was probably going to kill me and then the same thing happened! He stopped moving but it wasn't just him it was everyone in the house at the time, Daniel, and his both parents just stood frozen nothing moved but the ticking of the clock on the wall it was crazy. I began to lose energy again that's when I figured it must be me controlling something but I have no idea what it was or how or why or when or where or ahhhhh! I am completely confused. Oh and then when I walked outside, Lisa had been there too! What the fuck! I may be losing my mind Jerry you know all my secrets I hope you help keep me sane when I snap and lose everything. What do I do? Who do I talk to? I am so lost. Help!

I dropped my pencil and backed away from Jerry my journal. Just writing everything out had drained me further. My thoughts did not flow, they came in bursts. The days' events were too much for me to process. I sat on the edge of my bed and as I tried to catch my breath my mind wandered. I looked at my hands again and my mind eventually wandered to my night in the hospital when I met Watson. He had said I would possess something different that would soon become clear. Was it this? And what even was this? What did I possess?! How did Watson know how to find me last time? He must know how to find me this time? I needed him.

"Watson! Watson!" I became frantic in my room. All of a sudden a surge of adrenaline and a feeling of needing to understand what was happening to me entered my body and it made me mad. I walked around my room yelling and hollering and calling his name. I flung books and shoes and clothes and slammed doors and chairs and windows. I went berserk. Then I hit my head.

***

Some magician, mind-reader dude acting all cool approached me at the carnival. It was the annual county fair, the location looked as if it had been ravaged by a fire mere months before but they went ahead with it anyway. Everything seemed so bleak, it resembled a wasteland; there was the feeling of thin smog lingering over everything. I found it ironic that the Carnival of Life was going on. I sat away from everyone; not being a fan of crowds, too many variables. You never know when someone would try to talk to you and I couldn't take that risk. Magic-man obviously did not get that memo. He drew nearer to me. He thought he was all smooth, with his black painted finger nails, and his cape and long straight hair. To me he looked like he belonged in a circus, not surrounded by a gaggle of busty blondes hanging on to his every word and psychic reading. I guess some people had it that way with the ladies and others didn't. I never did. As he approached me I sat there judging him. Who even wears leather pants? I distractedly began staring at the chests of the girls surrounding him, would I ever be able to have what he had? My mind was always sporadic. In my distraction I hadn't realized how close he had gotten until he put his hand on my shoulder. I startlingly jerked and let out an embarrassing yelp. A unanimous round of female giggling ensued. That must be a personal record I thought, I didn't even say anything and they already laughed at me. The "psychic" hushed them and stared at me.

"Let me read your mind" he said way too confidently; the air of someone who spent lots of time building his own ego. I wondered if this was how he naturally dressed and carried himself or if it was some type of act. Had he seen a mirror? I wondered if I was about to be the center of some type of joke. Why me? I wasn't bothering anybody.

"Let me demonstrate a reading!" he pressed again after he realized I had zoned out.

"You... you don't wanna go in there," I was able to mumble out eventually. I was fairly certain that the guy in front of me was a phony. He reeked of mustard, hair spray and one other very unfamiliar scent; I guessed it was some shitty perfume. The combination was putrid. I assumed the ladies with him were either paid escorts, deluded druggies, or were distracted by the thickness of the man's make-up. Why was the smell not bothering them? Truthfully, I had no definite opinion on whether or not I believed in psychics. But apart from the fact that I hated just about any kind of public confrontation, I didn't like the idea of someone seeing me so naked, I was mortified. I had been through some things, I knew for a fact, that my mind was not a safe place. I did my best to stay out of it myself; I was not exactly sure it would be a good idea for a complete stranger. He was speaking but I was consciously aware that I was in a daze, lost in thought, paralyzed with fear as the thought crossed my mind that another person could be able to see the monstrosity I called my conscience.

"Hey kid, are you listening to me? I'm not taking no for an answer," he was beginning to get pushy, he seemed relentless.

After a pause, I swallowed heavily.

"Okay but it's a waste of time," I said nervously, adding in a half laugh, half scoff so it could seem like I was calm. The sound that emerged was more of a scared snort. Thankfully my dark complexion prevented the showing signs of blushing; I didn't want to sink even lower in front of the girls. Right now I guessed they viewed me as a solid three, any lower and I would have no shot! I cracked myself up sometimes, I knew there would be no shot regardless but a guy can dream. The magic-man placed his hand on my temple; I had concluded that there would be no deterring him, so allowing him to run his ritual and leave me alone as soon as possible would be the next best option. I had also concluded that he was a phony anyway so he would say something generic and I would act amazed. Even though I basically hated his existence (mainly for the glitter patterns on his shirt), I would try to make him look cool in front of the girls, he better get lucky tonight I thought, for me. I missed the first bits of the prophetic spew but when I finally tuned back in he was saying things like "You have an ill relative in your family; you are having money problems, blah blah blah." As I was sporting a breast cancer awareness wristband and dressed in torn and tattered jeans and shoes I was not surprised at the so called predictions which were basically just inferences from limited information.

"Whoa," I managed to spit out semi-enthusiastically. I felt like a wingman. I began to notice though, during a period of his silence, that he was beginning to sweat, as if he was having trouble with the information he was receiving. He reached for his back pocket and withdrew an item. My chest tightened and I could almost feel my eyes dilate. All moisture had vanished from my mouth and there was a tensing, stiffing sensation in my neck and upper body. It took all my power to keep my stomach from practically leaping out of my throat. Before I could respond from my shock and horror, he began speaking in foreign tongues, his eyes rolled back in his head and his nose began to drip; not snot, not blood, but instead a blackish liquid that resembled old car oil. My already wide eyes widened even more. The magic-man began shrieking hysterically; his hand, although pale in complexion now resembled that of someone very sickly but he still clutched the copper, round, coin-like item firmly. The girls began screaming hysterically; I had seen this before. As the girls ran away flailing and yelling, all I could do was stay seated on the wooden barrel and stare; trapped by fear. This couldn't be possible I remember myself thinking. I began to grow cold, and magic-man's shrieking sounded distant, like it was coming from a performance further off in the Carnival that was still taking place in the area. I remember I could feel my heart beat slowing and my mind beginning to float. I was standing on a cloud looking down at everything; looking down at myself. Finally some relief from my thoughts I grinned as if in a state of dazed relaxation. I slumped backwards off my seat on top of the barrel and into the shrubs around me; everything darkened and then blacked out. I was unconscious.

Again my dreams bled into reality as I awoke. I looked around; I was asleep on the floor, my legs were folded in a strange position and had gone uncomfortably numb. My head pounded and as I rubbed the spot I noticed it was swollen and sore. I groaned. My dreams and random imaginative visions had stopped being random and had become almost storytelling. I remembered every detail and it almost always led to some sort of thoughts that I would carry out through the day. My reaction to the shiny object resonated with me. It had to have some meaning. I looked at my alarm clock, it read 3am. I groaned at how early it had been. I couldn't go check on Professor Lohberg now. But there was no use sleeping. My mind raced. I got up and undressed and got in the shower. The warm water eased my bruise and my body. It helped me think. I began to remember little flashbacks that I oddly never accessed before tonight.

I saw myself being bullied, I tried to get past it, I hated high school memories. I gripped my head thinking that that would help me get rid of them. Instead they got more vivid. I remember walking home that crazy day and being jeered at and pushed by the people on the sidewalk. I remember I was pushed into the street and I remember falling and grabbing something that I had seen earlier that day. When I had woken up in the hospital on that supposedly life-altering day, I had been clutching a piece of shiny metal. It was shaped like a square with the inside missing, for some reason I had seen it on my way to school it was the first thing that caught my attention for the day and for some reason it was the last thing I had remembered before opening my eyes in the hospital bed. There was no significance to it but for some reason it stuck out in my dreams. All of a sudden I remembered that one day at the skate park I had given it to Jade for beating me at a special trick I was trying to learn, she had given me a big hug afterward so it was no surprise I didn't remember giving it to her until now; I was so hung up on the hug.

I needed to find Jade. After almost a whole year I was struggling to remember where she lived. As I racked my brain to no avail, I decided I would just somehow find her in school during the day and walk home with her, if somehow she would let me. I wasn't sure why I suddenly felt like I needed to find her, but it coursed through me. Some hidden message in that dream had directed my thoughts toward her and I was desperately in need of some direction. Professor Lohberg had told me that I needed to will the things that I wanted into my life.

"I will see Jade," I said out loud in the shower to myself. I repeated it a couple times for good measure.

My mind drifted to the thought of Professor Lohberg as I was in the shower. I had not seen him in a week which was just about the longest I had gone without seeing him since we had first spoken on the iconic park bench and looked at the ducks. He had become a huge life coach of mine in the search for the things I convinced myself I would never find but was still hopeful they would come around to me. We would rendezvous at the park bench and just sit in silence for hours; those hours of silence taught me more than school ever had. When he would talk about his life, growing up and the things that mattered to him I learnt more than any classroom setting had ever taught me. He had this way of looking directly into your eyes when he would speak to you face to face, it was oddly intrusive but the sincerity of it made it all make sense.

Recently however, our time at the park had dwindled from daily to twice or three times a week at most. When I did see him he looked as though he was losing weight and losing sleep, his bright, soft eyes had grown tiresome and weary. His pace had slowed, and even Lazlo seemed as though he was being affected by something, the dog never wagged its tail. I had wondered if he was becoming sick but I had never voiced it, I didn't want to think it out loud because he had told me of the powers of the universe and that our thoughts put us on frequencies that could make things come true. I blocked the thoughts of him being sick from my conscious but it crept in often when I was dazed or in my sleep; and now here it was again. I got out of the shower and put on a movie until I fell asleep, I did not want to be in my mind any longer.

***

Interlude

"What's the report doctor?" asked Michael with a weak attempt and sounding positive.

Professor Lohberg had been diagnosed with cancer four years ago. It was a rare cancer that attacked the bone marrow directly. He was told that he only had six months to live. At first, after the initial diagnosis he had begun to put things in order for his death; redoing his will, arranging burial and insurance and writing farewell letter. Then about three months into the diagnosis he had seen a commercial of some little kids who had been fighting and winning the fight against their terminal cancer and had been inspired to join in the fight. He had stopped telling people he was sick and started living as though he would live for twenty years to come. He had had no children; his only close companions during his whole life wife Bridgette and his dog Lazlo. The harshness of life sometimes doesn't spare cancer patients and as a result, took his wife away from him due to heart attack some twenty years earlier. He and his dog were soul mates shortly after that and have been ever since. He outlived the doctor's diagnosis and the cancer had been minimal and kept at bay for the time, but it had begun to get aggravated again. It was only so long your body could put up a fight of that proportion.

As Professor Lohberg sat on the cold table in the doctor's office he looked at him with a plea in his eyes, he longed to be healthy. He had recently found the closest thing to a son that he ever had and he didn't want to leave him alone in the world just yet. The office was empty, he went to one of the best private doctors in the area and the cost was so high that it kept the members at a minimum. The cold emptiness had a way of seeping into your mind and breeding negativity and fear, he tried his hardest to fight it as he looked at the doctor read through his notes.

The doctor somberly made eye contact before he spoke.

"Michael, I'm afraid it doesn't look too good."

End Interlude

***

March 3rd 2014

I woke up and went to sit by the window to watch the sun come up. I had watched the sun come up every day but this day on a Monday in March was one of the most breathtaking views and displays I had ever witnessed. The blend of color was sublime and unreal. I sat at my window in awe of what nature could do. I couldn't believe I had been missing out on this for so many years, and that there were some people out there who still had never seen it. It was majestic. When the sun was finally set in the sky, I got back into bed. I usually went downstairs to smoke or see Professor Lohberg or something, I hated staying inside of the gloomy house; my mind was a dark enough place I didn't need my surroundings to match. But today I crawled back into bed; I had had so much on my mind and wanted to take some time to just let myself get carried away in my own thoughts. I couldn't remember what I was thinking about but when it was 3 o'clock I woke up and realized I had been asleep.

I put clothes on and got ready to walk to the store. I needed more cigarettes and the house could use some groceries too.

"Hey you need anything? I'm going to the store." I said to Sharon when I walked downstairs. She was in her usual filthy nest. She just groaned at my request. She had no soul anymore, she was just a shell. She never asked for anything at the store. The only things she wanted, I would not give to her. She already had someone that did that. A drug dealer that delivered; ironically the pizza guy complained to come to this neighborhood. Sharon and I hadn't spoken since our screaming match a couple days earlier when I had slapped the needle out of her and then the weird occurrence happened. I wasn't sure if it was because she didn't remember or just chose not to bring it up, either way I was happy the topic never surfaced, I was still baffled at everything and enjoyed not thinking about it.

I walked slowly to the store. I had tightness in my stomach that had been there a couple days. I wanted it gone, I wanted some relief. Walking usually eased it somewhat, but today it barely worked. I grimaced all the way.

I got to the store and was in the aisle checking out what I should get for the money I had. Since I had been doing groceries I found it comical that there were so many different things of the same thing. Why were there fifteen different names of peanut butter all for around the same price? Did people really care? I bet if someone were to rip all the tags off of the bottle, they wouldn't be able to tell a difference.

"Should I get whole wheat bread or English muffins?" I asked myself. I always spoke to myself in the aisles as though I needed advice on what to buy.

"I like bread more but there is a sale on the English muffins... but I don't like them so I will buy the bread and then not buy any juice I can always just drink water until next time..."

I walked to another aisle.

"...hmm do I need meat or is cheese enough to make good sandwiches... it'll go good with the whole wheat bread but we have no butter so I should get meat... oh and we are out of milk I don't want the cereal to waste so I have to get that... no eggs this time though I don't really like those."

I usually got some random skeptical stares from people passing by. Today people seemed to not notice. The conversation went on until I heard someone call my name.

"Jamie Wilson?" called a voice at the end of the aisle.

I whirled around in surprise. No one really knew me at this store. I looked at the older lady in the aisle right near me. She didn't know me did she? I know I didn't know her but maybe she worked at my school like Professor Lohberg had. She didn't even look back at me, it couldn't be her.

Abruptly, my heart tightened. I almost fell to the floor, I felt my knees buckle and legs lost all feeling. I grabbed the shelf for support. The tightening in my stomach extended to my chest and back and neck. I gasped quickly for air.

Standing at the end of the aisle was Jade Hewitt. Her red hair glowed from the light that seeped in from the store window. I hadn't seen her in almost a full year and she looked like a goddess, something out of a story book, so much so that I believed I was seeing things. Why was she standing here in my presence, calling my name? Surely I hadn't fully woken up or something.

"Wilson, oh my gosh, it's you!" she said as she walked closer to me down the aisle. I had yet to move, my mouth had been completely dried out.

I had involuntarily dropped my basket of groceries on the floor. The milk exploded everywhere. The old lady near me gave me a dirty look and hurried away.

"Jade? What are you doing here?" I stuttered through. I was surprised but trying to act cool, the result was viciously awkward.

Avoiding the puddle of milk, she got right next to me and stood looking at me with her perfect eyes. They welled with tears. Without saying a word she grabbed me into a hug. I felt her heart beat rapidly, against mine as I struggled to find words. I slowly hugged her back. Her slow tears turned into full sobs now as she wept on my shoulder. I grabbed her back as tight as she held me. It was the first time in a year that my mind went completely blank and I didn't feel scared, or worried or unhappy deep inside. I hadn't seen her in a year and all the contempt I had had for the situation evaporated in a couple short seconds. I had held anger inside for so long, mostly because of her, and as she held on to me I never wanted her to let go. Just like the first time she hugged me.

"I missed you so much," she said in between heavy sobs. "I missed you so much it hurt Wilson." She pressed off of me and hit me in the chest.

"Why did you do that to me? I asked you to never do that to me again and you go and do it! You promised me! I thought you were dead for so long!" She yelled and then hugged me again.

I wanted to say I was sorry but I knew that would do nothing and I didn't want to risk the moment. I stayed quiet. I just held her as tightly as she held me. She smelt so great, as usual. She felt so great, as usual. Things were better when she was around, as usual. She let go and looked at me. Even with her makeup smeared and her eyes bloodshot, she looked like an angel that god sent directly to greet me.

"What are you doing here Jade?" I asked her timidly. I didn't know where to begin.

"Come let's walk and talk," she said and grabbed my arm to walk out of the grocery store. I completely forgot what I had come for.

"So what're you doing here?" I asked her as we stepped out of the store. I put my hands in my pockets and stared at my shoes, I couldn't bear to look at her; she was too gorgeous to always look at.

"I was actually going to come visit you today Jamie. In school today I spoke to Daniel and he told me he had seen you and that you visited him recently. When he told me you weren't dead like I had thought, I decided I had to see you immediately."

I noticed I had begun walking in the direction of the park. I had only ever been there with Professor Lohberg and alone, it was a very intimate place for me. Of course Jade inspired a very intimate part of my being. I had told myself a long time ago that I would never share the park visits with anyone else, but regular rules never applied to Jade. The universe would not allow it.

She spoke again.

"When I got halfway to your house, I chickened out. He told me everything Wilson, everything that you told him and everything that happened." She looked at me in anticipation. I had no words. I did not know what she meant by everything. Had Daniel even known everything?

"I decided I would try to muster the courage another day and stopped in the store to buy some snacks so I would have a reason to tell my parents I was home late."

I kicked a stone that was right in front of me. It scattered into the distance. Jade looked at me, waiting on me to speak. I still had nothing.

"Then I looked up and saw you in the aisle and thought for sure I was imagining things. I wiped my eyes and everything." She giggled but it was a façade. She grew nervous.

We had gotten to the park; the sun had not begun to set yet. It would be another hour and a half before it would begin to go down. The ducks waded peacefully. I hoped one day to experience that type of peace and simplicity and happiness. I finally spoke.

"I'm sorry."

I had planned on explaining and saying so much more but as soon as the words left my mouth I broke down in tears. The emotion had been buried inside of me for too long. I hadn't cried, I had often felt like crying, but it hadn't come. Until now, and here it was in full.

"I'm sorry, I had loved you so much and I didn't know what to do." I belted out.

I spoke some more but it was not coherent. I needed to just let it out. I sat on the bench and buried my head in my hands. Jade, the angel sat next to me and rubbed my back. I was crying over the fact that she had broken my heart a year ago, I hadn't seen her since then, and here she was comforting me, making me feel safe as I had felt my stomach begin to loosen up. It had been tight for the better part of a year and here she was in an instant and she was relieving me. She was like some magical elixir.

I calmed a little bit and sit up and caught my breath. She was looking right at me; her cheeks flushed bright red as our eyes met.

"I didn't know what to do when you rejected me. I only came to school to see you and Daniel and Daniel had found someone else and replaced me and so it was only you. I didn't feel the need to come back to school after that day, so I didn't." I said as I looked at the ducks in the water. I wondered if they ever felt emotions like this.

She remained silent for a while. She was looking at the ducks also. I wondered if she was thinking the same thing.

"I don't know what to say." She finally said. There was so much sadness in her voice.

There was a tension between us that hadn't been there before; I couldn't tell what it was it was unfamiliar.

"Tell me what Daniel told you," I sniffled.

"He said that you came over randomly one day and that you had the best conversation catching up and that he was happy to see you." She avoided looking at me as she spoke now. I didn't want her to grow cold.

"Then he told me about dinner." She didn't need to say more.

She looked at me and now I was the one to look away. I was embarrassed that she had heard about that. I guess Daniel did not believe in confidentiality.

"He told me that one minute you were on the floor and the next minute you were gone and he didn't remember seeing you leave and neither had anyone else in the house. He told me something weird had occurred. He told me about Lisa and that his father almost pummeled you. But his father also didn't notice you leave. Can you explain to me what happened?"

She looked at me intensely, curiously, judgingly I could tell but I kept my gaze off to the distance. I continued to look into the distance and I explained what had happened at Daniel's house. I began at the dream that caused me to go to his house in the first place to when Lisa showed up to when I left. Like the last time we had a heart to heart, I couldn't stop myself from opening up to her. I told her about Professor Lohberg, I told her about my mother, I told her about Watson.

"Wow Wilson that is an awful lot," she said incredulously.

I could not tell if she believed me but she was definitely stunned at what I was saying.

I looked at her and our eyes met again. She looked away after a brief moment. There was something she wasn't telling me. Her eyes gave it away. They were so pure she could never hide anything.

"And now here I am. It's funny because I actually wanted to see you today. I was going to come looking for you. It's crazy how things work sometimes."

She giggled a little.

"After what you just told me, I don't know if anything is crazy anymore." She looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"Why did you want to see me?"

"Well it's a funny story actually I think. After my incident with Watson, I had gone almost the full year without figuring out anything. I didn't even remember how I got in the hospital. But now I remember that there was a shiny thing that I saw that day and that I grabbed and it stayed with me until the hospital. I had given it to you a couple weeks later at the skate park. I don't know if you remember but I told you it was special to me. It led me to thinking about you and I decided I should find you like I had found Daniel.

As I finished the story I realized it was not funny at all.

She giggled again. I loved the sound of her laugh.

"Well it's a good thing you didn't, I moved about three months ago. My dad got a promotion and we moved to a bigger house."

Of course she moved to a bigger house, she lived flawlessly.

"Something crazy made you run into me today." I looked into the distance as I spoke. The tightness in my stomach had returned.

"Do you want to come over and see if you find the shiny thing?" she asked casually.

Jade Hewitt had just asked me if I was interested in coming to her house. I wasn't sure I was ready. I thought about Professor Lohberg and something he had taught me. He told me to never let myself feel happy because of someone else before I could feel happy on my own. But as I sat here, I felt happy. It was the first time I had been happy in months, maybe years, maybe my life. How could I not allow it to happen?

"Yeah," I said casually.

She motioned to leave.

"Wait," I grabbed her hand and looked into the distance, we had been sitting for a long time and the sun had begun to set.

"The sun is setting." I said to her looking her in the eyes.

"Haha, I know Wilson, the sun sets every day."

"No, I know. Sit down, we should watch it."

She looked puzzled. She was even beautiful with her eyebrows raised.

"Trust me," I said, "I watch it every day. It's a great thing to learn to enjoy. It's my only source of a smile day to day."

As I said that I looked at her directly in her eyes, she was a flawless creature. Whenever she smiled it began with her eyes.

She sat down, this time closer to me. My stomach fluttered a little. It brought back so many feelings and memories that I hadn't felt.

"Always appreciate the view; there are people in the world that can't even see."

She looked at me and smiled. Jade Hewitt sat next to me enjoying the sun go down because I asked her to. I had been battling with many dark emotions and negative thoughts for almost a year, struggling to just be okay and here I was, filled with happiness. I could have died right there. In that moment, I didn't envy the ducks.

We talked and laughed and talked some more while the sun performed its evening ritual for us. This time she opened up to me. She told me about school, she was going to go to California in the fall for university. Her dad was the president of a gun production company; she didn't seem to like him very much. She never talked about her boyfriend and so I never asked. He didn't exist in this moment. Her mother was a teacher at a university. Over summer they had taken a family vacation to Europe and she had eaten some of the best food in existence. I enjoyed listening to her. Professor Lohberg had taught me how to enjoy conversation and this one was magical. He always said that when a conversation is good, it was just like dancing. Two people going back and forth, the listener just as important as the speaker. And this evening Jade Hewitt and I did the waltz, the tango, the rumba, and any other dance that I had heard about from Dancing with the Stars. We stayed longer than the ducks and the sun.

"Hey the street lights are on, if you want to come over we should get going now," she finally said.

"Yeah we should go," I said reluctantly. I did not want to leave. I was finally happy.

We got up and began to walk in the direction of her house. I had walked her home before but since she moved she led the way. The conversation continued all the way to her house. I was tempted to hold her hand like I had been a year ago, but this time I decided to get rid of that thought. I would not ruin the moment.

We got to her house and walked right in. Her father and mother sat in the living room. Her father was engrossed in a book and her mother looked as though she was grading papers.

"Hey I'm home." She said when she walked in.

Neither parent budged. Had they not heard her? No they must have, there was no other noise. She looked at them hoping someone would greet her. I saw sadness flash across her face; briefly.

"Come on lets go upstairs."

"Are you sure that's okay?" I asked her looking from her to her parents.

"Psh yeah they don't care," she said almost bitterly.

I followed her up her winding staircase and into her bedroom.

Walking into her room I was amazed. It felt as though my entire upstairs area could fit in her closet. The space was enormous. I began looking around, checking out pictures and books. There were various posters of musicians holding guitars and shirtless actors all of which I was unfamiliar with. I sat on the edge of her bed and just waited. She had walked into her bathroom. When she emerged she was holding a box.

"This is my box of random memories," she said, "If I still have your thing, it would be in here."

I poked around the messy box. I found notes, small toys and trinkets and bracelets that seemed old. I found old cards, buttons, dolls and coins. While I poked around, she played in the mirror. She was examining her face. She was perfect, I didn't see what was to examine. I found nothing shiny in the box. Although I don't remember what it looked like, I knew I would know it when I saw it.

"No luck," I said, "It's not in here."

"I'm sorry," she said, "maybe it's in here somewhere."

I had continued to play around distractedly in the box of random memories and trinkets. She was a borderline hoarder.

Jade plopped on the bed beside me.

She looked at me and I gazed into her eyes while still loosely fondling with the contents of the box. Her eyes seemed sad. We shared a moment of silence looking at each other, I began to feel the same tension that I noticed at the park but it was still unfamiliar.

"Wilson, do you think I'm pretty?"

The question took me by surprise. Of course I found her pretty but I was not ready to answer this question. My brain was not processing anything, it rapidly shutdown. I was panicking and she was staring right at me.

"Uh yeah," I spit out.

I had to be the only guy on the planet capable of butchering such a simple answer. It sounded like it hurt for me to speak.

"You hesitated, you're lying" she said and got off the bed and back to the mirror.

"Uh no I'm not, just wasn't ready for the question I guess."

She looked at me her beautiful eyes wide and heavy, expecting me to say more.

"I think you're very pretty," my heart beat faster than it ever had before.

"I... I think you're beautiful."

My lips were dry all of a sudden I needed water again.

"Really?" she said, fishing for more.

I swallowed hard and tried to calm down.

"Yes, you're gorgeous. I think so and I'm sure everyone else does." I forced an awkward smile out, I was certain I looked and sounded like an idiot.

She turned away from me dramatically, her hair magically whipping behind her as she looked into the mirror again. Her eyes began to well up. She buried her face in her hands as her tough exterior began to melt away.

"No one thinks I'm pretty. No one notices me." she whimpered.

She was insecure. The most beautiful girl I had ever seen and known was unveiling her insecurity to me. She was about to bare her naked soul and I was in the room experiencing it all. No words could encapsulate the moment.

"When I walk in a room, no one cares and it's because I'm ugly and plain. I have nothing good about me to offer," she cried. Tears began to flow.

"That's not..."

"Yes it is! You saw it for yourself! My parents don't even acknowledge my existence when I walk through the door. My stupid boyfriend is the same way. I do so much and they never notice me. I'm insignificant to everyone in my life. They don't need me!"

I sat there stunned. I tried to talk but I wasn't given the chance. She needed to vent and get it all out. We were about to dance again, I had my duties as the listener.

"I work my ass off! I do well in school and all other activities. I never get in trouble, I never do bad things and yet no one appreciates me! People use me for homework. My parents use me to tell people what school I got in to. Max uses me as a punching board. No one really needs me. I'm better off dead."

It was hard processing everything I was hearing. I was under the impression she lived the perfect life. I sat trying to wrap my mind around it all. I could barely understand how I ended up here; I was struggling with the rest of it.

"Max hurts you?" I asked getting up off the bed slowly.

She ignored me and carried on.

"I don't even want to go to school to study business, but if I ask my parents to go to art school they will disown me. No daughter of theirs will go to an art school. It's full of hippies and druggies and weird people according to them. Sometimes I wished they would die."

The last comment hit me in a sensitive spot. I had always thought that if your both parents were alive and fed you, then you should appreciate them. I wanted to be mad at her for complaining, she had it so good. But I could not be mad at her; the universe would not let me.

She dropped into my arms and held me, for the second time of the night she sobbed into my shoulder. I rubbed her back and squeezed her tightly. She was the one crying and yet I still felt safe in her arms. I fell in love with her time and time again. I couldn't imagine being any place else.

"Please don't stop," she pleaded. She was a goddess.

Apparently in my trance I had stopped rubbing her back. She asked me not to stop and I started again no problem. I would rub her back for the rest of my life if she wanted me to.

She looked up at me and stared into my eyes. From the angle we were in, with us looking at each other, her lips were inches from mine. I could feel her breath.

Should I kiss her? The thought rung out in my mind; so loudly I tried to stop thinking about it just in case she could tell.

I had seen it done in movies before. I wondered if I could pull it off.

I wouldn't go for it. I managed a smile and she looked away, back down at my chest. I continued to rub her back.

We shared a moment of silence. She had stopped crying but remained in my embrace. Again she looked into my eyes, her lips dangerously close to mine. What was she thinking? Her eyes gave away everything and nothing at the same time.

Then she kissed me.

Her lips brushed against mine and stayed.

Her eyes closed and she pressed.

Jade Hewitt had kissed me.

"Sorry, oh my god I'm so sorry," she looked as if she would cry again.

In my astonishment I had not kissed her back, I had just stood there with my eyes open and my arms loose around her.

My brain raced, I couldn't allow myself to lose this moment, but I could not find any words. She began to back away and speak again and somehow, some instinct in me responded and I grabbed her by the forearm and brought her back in to me. I kissed her back.

We sat on the bed kissing, sitting awkwardly, lip-locked.

Time vanished, it no longer existed, I was in an alternate universe. I squeezed her body against mine, she resisted every time I squeezed harder and then she relented. Again we were dancing. This was different than when I would be with Lisa, I had no emotions then; my mind was usually on the subject of something random like reruns of Seinfeld or something. But not now, I was completely here.

We were complete opposites and that reality played out in the moment we were currently in. When she kissed me, I pulled away; when I kissed her, she pulled away. Like magnets that were not supposed to be together but somehow bending the laws of physics to make it happen. It was a beautiful dance. We were amateurs but we were guided by something deeper than we could possibly understand. As I ran my hand over her arms I felt goose bumps rise in reaction to my every touch. My skin followed suit. I wanted to put my mouth on every part of her mouth; I wanted my tongue to touch every part of her tongue. I ran my hands on every part of her arms. My body felt every part of her body. Every now and again she would quiver and pull away, her senses nearing climax, then she would reset and kiss me again. All of my fantasies that I had late at nights when I was alone, were coming true and they did not measure up to the real thing in the slightest; this was beyond my imagination.

She pulled away from my lips and kissed on my neck. I had never been kissed on my neck before that was something I had only seen in videos on the internet. She rubbed my arms in the same spots that I rubbed hers before. She pushed me back onto the bed and my body just listened. She was smaller than me but she was clearly in control, she was born to lead, and I would follow her to the end of the world.

She took my shirt off on the bed. Then she mimicked on herself and took her shirt off. I was nervous, my heart beat out of my chest, I was sure she could notice it. The tension that I felt earlier was in full blossom, you could cut it with a knife; I never wanted it to leave it held us together. I didn't want to ruin the moment. I remained silent and still.

I had seen her with clothes on and I imagined her to be flawless. Now, in the dimly lit room with her clothes off, I got to see first-hand what flawless really meant. Again, my imagination did not do it justice.

She was such a work of art. Her body was perfect. I had already been in love with her soul, I knew the purity that existed inside her, and now laying here I was certain that her body was just an outward expression of her soul. She was an absolute masterpiece from top to bottom and as she fixed her hair, unaware of the awe that she inspired in me, I admired her. I lost my breath. Not much rivaled the beauty of the moon when it was out, or the sunset in the evenings, but as she straddled me I could not think of a better view. She would put any scenery to shame. Her red hair still seemed to shine in the dim, it made her whole face glow. I could see every freckle along her body, it was as if an artist sat down for hours and meticulously placed each one exactly where it was meant to be placed. Her eyes looked down into mine; the green jewels of her face dulled everything that was around it; every time we made eye contact I lost my breath. Her lips grew into a smile and her nose moved with it, her whole body was in sync; it was an effortless display of grace and beauty. Her jaw was molded in the likeness of the greatest Greek goddess, but more delicate. Her perfection molded down to her body. Her neck, her perfect neck came down flawlessly from her butt chin and connected to her collar bones. Nothing was too big or too small, her breasts were perky and supple, and her tummy was just the right amount of flat and fleshy. There was even perfection in her belly button. She was not meant for this universe.

As I gazed at her body, I fell in love with every curve and crevice over and over again.

She leaned in to kiss me, I felt as though I didn't deserve it. That was the way she made me feel. I was a mere mortal. My body melted under hers, she controlled me. We didn't say any words for hours; it was the best conversation I would experience. Professor Lohberg explained good conversation as good dancing, and he said for dancers to be great, the partners must become one, each person just an extension of the other, connected by something much deeper. That night she and I became one.

***

Walking home that night, my mind was heavy. The moon was out in full effect, a big, bright, full moon hung low in the sky. It was a view to marvel at. I paid no attention to it.

After hours of indulging in each others' bodies, Jade lay down on her bed and cried. She asked me to leave. I wondered what I had done wrong. I had just shared a night with an angel. In that moment I had found happiness, I had found my source. It was the longest I had been happy for and the happiest I had been in a long time. Yet, as I walked home, the tightness and sadness returned. I was afraid that I would never find it again. Jade was my relief now, I would yearn for her all the time. I needed her.

***

A week went by and I hadn't seen or heard from Jade at all. I waited by the school one day and I didn't see her. I knocked at her door also one day and her parents said that she wasn't home. I had been filled with despair ever since our night together.

I spent much of my time feeding ducks with Professor Lohberg. I had been seeing him more regularly again. He had grown visibly smaller, he was losing a lot of weight and in the back of my mind I was worried at what that might mean; but he acted as though nothing was wrong and so I followed his lead. I told him what had happened since the last time we spoke. He told me he had to rush out of town for a funeral that's why he hadn't been home for a couple days. I told him about my encounter with my mother and the needle, I told him about my encounter at Daniel's house with his family and then I told him about my night with Jade.

"Wow it seems like I missed out on quite a lot," he chuckled.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Have you spoken to your mother or Daniel since the incident?"

"No."

"You should."

"I know."

"Will you?"

"No."

It was hard to talk about anything except Jade; she was all that my mind rested on.

Professor Lohberg and I looked into the distance.

"So these occurrences, you think they are because of your control?" he asked suddenly.

He always knew how not to pry. He understood this dance more than anyone I knew.

"I don't know." I said.

"How about we test it out?" he asked.

"Test it out? What do you mean?"

"Let's take a walk."

"No! What do you mean?"

I had grown aggravated suddenly.

"I just want to see what you're talking about..." he replied meekly.

"Why does it matter to you? Why do you care?"

I got up off of the bench.

"You disappeared on me for days I hadn't seen you without an explanation! And now all of a sudden you care about what I've been up to? Stop pretending to care about me! Just because you have no one else, does not mean that you can use me for entertainment!"

My breathing grew heavy; I glared at Professor Lohberg as he sat in shock. I couldn't stop the anger that coursed through me. I ran to the edge of the pond and launched a stone at the middle where the ducks waddled peacefully. I wanted to disrupt them, their simplicity aggravated me further. As they broke up and then reconfigured in another spot, I dropped down onto the grass and buried my head between my knees and wept. My heart pounded painfully. The ducks were at peace again, their day was not controlled by me, their happiness belonged to them and they would not lose it so simply. Why couldn't I be in control of mine? The tears came from my stomach, they hurt.

I felt a lick on the back of my head. I looked up and it was Lazlo, he was being playful for the first time I had seen in a couple of weeks. His master slowly walked behind him in my direction. He sat on the grass next to me with folded legs; he seemed to be in pain from just sitting so low. Lazlo jumped in his lap but continued to look at me. I wiped my eyes; I didn't really like people looking at me while I cried. We both looked out into the pond as the ripples calmed.

"I'm sorry," I said sniffling, "I didn't mean to blow up like that on you. I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Shh my boy, look at the water, it is most beautiful when it goes from bothered to peaceful. There is beauty in the transition."

We stared into the water until it was fully settled.

"I do care about you. You mean a lot more to me than you must realize, you are part of the reason why I am still alive son."

"It was wrong of me to just abandon you for so long without explanation, when I left I didn't know how long I would be gone for. I didn't consider that you would miss me, I hadn't been missed in a really long time," he continued.

I looked at him. He looked as though he would tear up; I had never seen a grown man cry before.

"The reason I asked about seeing what you could do was because... I don't know how much longer I will be around for..." he paused and I glanced at him, he was seriously fighting back tears now, "life passes so quickly you know and the beauty of it is in the journey. I just want to enjoy that journey as much as possible with you, you're my best friend."

I thought I saw a tear trickle down his eye but he looked away. I felt guilty for yelling at him earlier I was out of place. I was never one for apologies; I figured I rather let my actions show that I was sorry or remorseful.

"Let's go test out this thing out," I said definitively.

He got up and his puppy followed. We walked down to a convenience store and went in. I surveyed the scene, it looked like a regular day to everyone there but my chest was thumping, I tried to look outwardly cool.

"You will never be okay until you have control over the things that you can control. Of course not everything is meant to be controlled but the things that are, we must attempt to. Or else they control us. A human is only happy when he is free. You have to find your freedom," said Professor Lohberg. I wasn't exactly sure what he was getting at.

We walked down an aisle and he picked up a bag of rice.

"Don't let this hit the floor," he said.

"Huh?" I asked confused as he threw it up in the air. It hit the floor and burst open. He didn't look phased at all. I stared at him.

"Let's try again. I am going to throw the rice in the air, freeze it before it hits the floor," he said, "All the best discoveries have come from experiments."

He threw the bag up in the air and still confused, I focused in on it to try to stop it from hitting the floor. It dropped and burst once again.

"Come on, focus," he said.

*Splat*

He was attempting to coach me. The entire situation was chaos to me; but for the first time I was having fun. We kept trying until rice covered the aisle and we had to leave.

"Hey!"

We swiveled around and saw a man in a red vest standing at the other end of the aisle.

"Hey! You have to pay for this you can't just leave!" the man shouted angrily.

Panicking, I looked at Professor Lohberg; he seemed to not be phased. I had no money on me to pay for any of the mess we had just made. I hoped he would have a solution but he just stood there.

"Professor..."

"Wilson, do not let this man get to us."

"What?"

"Do not let this man get to us."

He had begun to walk toward us.

"Stay right there, I have to get my supervisor," he said and mumbled some other things.

I looked from Professor Lohberg back to the store clerk; I wasn't sure what to do. I did nothing.

"Come with me," the man said and motion for us to follow him.

Professor Lohberg stayed calm. I was screaming inside; I didn't like situations like this. I tried to look cool on the outside; I was blowing it I was sure. He took us to the front of the store where the cashier was and explained what had happened. He explained we would have to pay and the cashier quickly rung up a total. I had no money and Professor Lohberg still hadn't even flinched.

"We are going to have to get the manager involved," the clerk said.

I felt as though it was a bit of an overreaction for some rice but nevertheless my chest tightened. I didn't want to be in this situation. My anxiety was not ready to cooperate. A door swung open, and a man in a suit too nice to be worn at a convenient store emerged. He was a short man and he looked very mean.

"What the fuck is it this time?" he shouted from the other side of the store.

"This old man and this kid, ripped apart about two hundred dollars of rice on the floor in the aisle over there and they say they don't have any money to pay for it."

"I'm too busy today to deal with this bullshit today you know Jackson."

His voice was aggressive and loud, I was sure it would only intensify.

"I'm sorry I just didn't know what to do, should we..." and he trailed off.

My chest was in severe pain. I clutched at it. I looked up and saw that everything was still. The cashier behind the counter stood, eyes wide but uninterested, her face was contorted as if she was annoyed by something. The manager, who was on his way, stopped in mid-stride with his legs wide apart, one in front the other. His face was screwed with anger. The store clerk had paused with his mouth opened as he stopped talking mid-sentence. He looked intimidated, scared, surprised, but still.

"Professor, it is happening." I said.

I turned toward him; he stood motionless. He looked calm but the stillness was ominous. No one blinked. The restless puppy had stopped moving also, save for quietly panting, he was motionless. His tail lay limp. The panting was the only thing audible in the store. I had done it again, but I still didn't know exactly what was happening. I didn't know what to think or how to focus. I knew I had to get Professor Lohberg out of there. I picked the puppy up in my arms and took Professor by his hand. He moved. It was the first time I had touched a person after something like this happened. He looked around confused and I walked him out of the store. I put Lazlo down outside and his tail wagged again.

"What happened?" he asked.

"I did it professor, I just did it again."

It all happened so quickly.

"It all happened so quickly," I said.

He peered inside to see that everyone remained still.

"Wow."

"Can we get out of here professor? Whenever it happens it drains my energy and I feel myself getting exhausted."

I began to notice some familiarities of the situations.

We began to walk and I explained to him what happened. He marveled.

"I do not even remember any of that. Maybe that's supposed to happen? Let's do it again," he suggested.

"Professor, I'm so tired."

The sun had not even begun to go down and I was breathing heavily.

"Wilson, whatever you possess inside of you has to be controlled. Just then it just happened, you need to know how to make it happen and not happen."

We walked to another convenience store, and then another. We repeated the process until I could hardly draw breath; I was running out of energy quickly. However, I was beginning to understand what was happening. The discovery kept me going. I wanted to be in control of the things I could control. I wanted to find freedom. I wanted to be happy.

I had done it a couple times now, and despite the pain in my chest and now the rest of my exhausted body, I felt better than I had in weeks. I had been able to gain somewhat of a control over my special possession. I had begun to see what Watson had been talking about in the hospital. Every time I had done it, Professor Lohberg seemed to be highly entertained. I was sure he only was so excited because we were having a little fun and he was getting to teach me while experiencing something he would probably never experience again. Every now and again he would bestow some philosophical knowledge on me. When I could go no more, Professor Lohberg and I stopped and began to walk home. I told him I couldn't walk him home as I was so tired I wasn't even sure I would make it home myself. We went our separate ways.

"Remember, I think it's like a muscle. The more you use it and practice, the stronger it becomes," he said with a smile and walked off with his puppy. I had learnt so much more from him than I ever had in school. He was a profound person.

I used all my energy to run home. When I got home I ran to my room, picked my pencil up to write in my journal.

***

I woke up the next morning with my pencil in my hand and my face in my journal. I had not even begun to write, I was so tired I had just passed out on the floor where I usually write. I was awake before the sun came up as usual and the desire to write and explain to my journal and to myself what had just happened was still prevalent.

Journal Entry 122

Okay so I told you last week about Jade and I had said that nothing else worth writing about would ever come up. HA! I was so wrong my day was absolutely ridiculous. Remember when I told you about what happened with my mother and then what had happened at Daniel's house and that I thought that maybe I was causing that? Well I was freaking right! About a year ago, I got a visit in the hospital from this guy named Watson and he told me a whole bunch of crazy stuff. About I possessed this and that. Well apparently I can stop time!!!! Okay so I can't exactly stop time, I am going to try to explain this to you as best as I can. For some reason, whether it is what got me to the hospital or it was in me from birth and Watson just had to reveal it for me, I have like a special power. I'm almost like a super hero. Okay not quite but still. So what happens is, when I'm in a situation I don't want to be in, or any situation now for that matter, I can stop the people around me from moving. It only applies to people I think, not things because I can't fight gravity. Time itself doesn't stop ticking but everyone in the room stops moving in whatever position they were last in. It's not like I stop the axis of the earth from moving but still cool right? I practiced it all day yesterday and I am able to control who I want to stop moving now. It takes a lot of energy though; I think it's a muscle. And when I release it, whatever it is, the people who were frozen are confused and don't remember what happened or what they were doing or where they were going. It's so cool. What should I do with this?

Ugh! I was so not profound. I sat in my room, trying to settle. It was the first time in a while that I didn't sit and muse over Jade because I had this on my mind, of course however, she still made appearances in my head, and danced around until I was able to focus again on what should be my main problem. Should I use it for good? I probably could I figured. Should I use it for bad? I probably could I figured. I figured I would take a shower and talk to myself.

As the hot water hit my back, I examined my hands. I was different. I was no ordinary human anymore. What would I do with this new information? I didn't want to tell anyone just yet, they would probably either think I was mad or expect something from me. I already thought myself as mad enough; I didn't need any other judges. I already had such a loose grip on reality, and now this. I began to feel overwhelmed. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to just be normal, to just be happy. As I examined my hands I began to cry into them. I felt like I had lost my last hopes of ever being normal, being happy.

I needed to find Jade. It would be my priority. She was my last hope of happiness. I would prove to her what I could do and then I would rob a bank and run away with her. Life would be okay then. It was simple. Deluded, I began to plot my seemingly simple future.

***

The new ability had brought me a lot of sadness and confusion. I had begun to watch the news, as I figured that would help my decision on what to do. Maybe I would see something that would inspire me to be good. But instead it saddened me. Everywhere I saw murders and rapes and tragedy. I wasn't ready to take that on. I wasn't ready to help the world. I could barely help myself.

I got out of my bed and went downstairs. Sharon was in her usual position so I left. I skated all the way to Jade's house. When I got there she was outside sitting on the steps reading a book.

"Jade!" I yelled out when I was close enough.

"Wilson?" she yelled back when she looked up.

She dropped her book and ran towards me and engulfed me in a hug. I felt as though I was at home again.

"Hey," I said shyly. I hadn't prepared anything to say.

There was an awkward moment of silence between us.

We walked back to the steps outside her house and sat down. I explained to her what my last couple weeks consisted of and what was going on in my head. We were on a more intimate level and the tension could be felt. It was an easy decision to make her the first person to tell about everything. The knots in my stomach and chest loosened.

"Wilson, I'm so sorry I haven't said anything or come to see you after what happened. So much happened that I don't know what to do about it or how to tell you. I figured it would be easier to just stay away," she looked down to the ground.

"Hey I deserved it," I said, "now we are even."

She giggled but then went silent. She looked as though she was afraid of something.

"I have to tell you something," she said.

"Me too," I replied.

"Oh you go first then!" she said.

"I was so confused when you asked me to leave after that night you know? I just didn't expect that after the moment we had."

She looked away.

I waited a moment before I spoke again. It was a beautiful day I observed as we sat on her front steps. It was not quite summer yet but the trees were fully bloomed. Directly in front of us, in her yard there was a pink tree, it was a delicate pink; behind it there was an orange house on the other side of the road, behind that there was a large forested area in the background and then capturing it all the sky was a vibrant blue with no clouds in it. The picturesque scene took me far away, I did not feel like I was in the moment, I did not feel as nervous as I usually would. The colors were something no artist would ever be able to achieve in its full essence, it happened now and it was alive, it was ideal for the moment.

"You should run away with me. I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember. I have something special. I could rob a bank for money or something. I can literally get away with anything. It could be so easy, just run away with me."

I let out a deep breath. I had said what I came to say. She looked at me and smiled; briefly.

"Wilson," she paused, "I'm pregnant."

My eyes lost focus. My stomach tried to jump out of my core and my legs, although sitting down, buckled. The colors in front of me began to swirl and my mind began to swim. I was sure I had misheard. But tears began to flow from Jade's eyes. She was serious. She was pregnant.

I assumed the only reason she would tell me was because it was mine and not Max's. I decided not to ask that question. Not like my mouth would work anyway.

"The night we were together, I was supposed to have my period the week after and it hasn't come. We didn't use protection so I took a test from the store. I'm three weeks pregnant."

I did a mental check. It was not April fools. This was real. I took a deep breath and she spoke again. I knew she had started an anti-abortion club in school. I was about to be a father.

"The reason I cried that night and asked you to leave is that I was ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of my whole life. I am so insecure and you were there for me. We should not have done what we did. I have a boyfriend and it's not okay to be unfaithful. And now I have a baby that doesn't belong to him," she sobbed.

I had never had a father, and I had no idea what it took to be a good father, I didn't even know what it took to be a good parent. But some instinct in me had been awaken and all of a sudden I became paternal.

"All the more reason to run away with me, I can get us money we can be okay, we can be a family," I said sounding somewhat desperately.

I didn't really understand what was happening to me and what part of me wanted a child. That is not what I had expected to leave here with. Reality, yet again, had become extremely unreal. I painted a future for her. She began to weep uncontrollably and so I just spoke. I told her how life could be, I told her where we could go; I told her whatever I thought she wanted to hear. Jade had made me believe in soul mates, I was not about to let mine walk out of my life. Not after the year I had had. Not after the moment we shared. Not after I had lost her once and now was close to having her again. I was desperate.

"We can really be okay Jade. We can really do this." I pleaded for her to believe me.

"I believe you Wilson but I don't know. I really don't know what to do. I'm not ready to be a mother."

I felt like I needed to protect her from everything she was doubtful and afraid of. I needed to convince her to let me protect her. I was still convincing myself but around Jade was my only happiness, I couldn't let her leave. I needed to convince her that she needed me. I needed her.

I carried on for a couple more minutes until I concluded that Jade was not about to stop wailing anytime soon and I should let her have her space.

"Just consider what I said please. I will stay away from you for a week and then we can decide. Just please, consider it at least." I got up to leave.

"Okay," she whimpered, "I will."

I skated off heading towards my house. My stomach grew tight again. It was crazy the effect her presence had on me. She was my elixir. I needed it forever. On my way home I stopped at Professor Lohberg's house and told him my plans. We talked until the sun went down. I told him everything.

"You need to find happiness within first, my friend that should be your priority."

He was old what did he know.

***

My struggle with reality continued in the days that followed. I barely ate. I spent most of my time at the park feeding ducks, with or without Professor Lohberg. I struggled with the internal conflict of the power I now possessed. I wanted to use it for good but I felt like I was not good myself. Why should I make people happy if I wasn't happy myself? Why do they get to be happy?

Sharon had been walking about now. I found her the other day looking for spare change around the house. It was disgusting how she lived. I no longer went near her. The smell was too putrid. Professor Lohberg had suggested that I try to talk to her, but he didn't understand. I couldn't even be near her. Ever since he began to become scarce in my life, our relationship had become turbulent. I was not emotionally stable to be abandoned again and I felt as though he was close to leaving me, he would never give any explanation for his absences either and when I asked about it he changed the topic. Instinctively I began to prepare for his departure.

I waited everyday to hear from Jade, and when the first week passed I waited another. I was having a hard time getting a grip on reality; I could barely differentiate anymore what was real and what was imaginary. Happiness was around the corner, it dwelled with Jade and I waited everyday for it to come knocking. I had a huge darkness growing inside of me. I knew she would save me before it fully manifested. I knew she would be my salvation.

I had forced myself to not lose hope. I sat on my front porch toying with the idea of fighting her boyfriend Max and every time he and his goons would attack me I would just freeze them and escape with her. Torturing him in my head kept me sane.

***

Interlude

"So what do I have to do?" asked Jade skeptically.

She sat in a cold empty room that resembled a medium sized garage. The fumes that emitted from the chemicals that surrounded her made her feel claustrophobic and light-headed. She was in a strange city, one that neither she, nor the people she usually hung out with ever ventured into.

Jade was scared, but she had been for a couple days now; it had been a while since she had last been able to eat or sleep. Her beautiful round face had become ashen and drawn. Her eyes had lost the glow that set her apart from the rest of the world.

She was in the garage considering having an abortion. She could not go to the hospital because it had been outlawed in the state. Telling her parents was also out of the question. She had told Max that it belonged to him and he had suggested rather aggressively that an abortion would be best. He had said he knew a guy who conducted the operations privately. As she sat in the garage and looked at the man who had apparently dropped out of medical school as a biology and chemistry major so that he could apply his full time to the process of making an abundance of black market drugs, she began to cry.

"What's the matter?" the guy in the white lab coat asked.

His personality didn't match his surroundings. He was polite and pudgy with a kind looking face. His voice was slightly higher pitch than the average man. He was short and goofy looking, he did not look anything like a college dropout turned drug manufacturer.

Jade did not answer his question. The man in the lab coat began to explain the procedure that was about to happen. The room grew cold.

"It will be okay I promise," said the lab coat guy, the smile on his face appeared greasy but genuine. The entire situation was a conundrum.

Interlude

***

*THUD*

The noise came from inside the living room. The loud bang accompanied other muffled noises. I stood outside smoking and I finished my cigarette before I walked in. I was sure it was no big deal as usual. Sharon probably dropped something, she was always dropping something. I walked over the threshold and stared.

On the floor lay Sharon, eyes wide open and froth at the mouth. This feeling felt all too similar. There was a darkness that crept in the room. I didn't cry, I didn't yell, I didn't feel anything. Sharon was dead. Her soul had left her body, I could see that there was even less behind her eyes than before. The familiar feeling was ominous, I was in the presence of death again; I was standing in the same room as the Grim Reaper.

I didn't have to touch her or check anything to tell. There was no mistaking that silence, there was no mistaking death. I sat cross legged on the floor next to her. She was a drug abusing alcoholic. I felt no sympathy. I looked around at how she left the house. I just sat in silence with her for a moment. I took everything in. The smell, the look, the lighting, it was all very fitting at this exact moment. I stood up and picked up the phone to dial the police.

"Hello, 911 what's your emergency,"

"I'm at 8206 Crestgate," I said.

"Okay what happened sir what is the emergency?"

"Someone died."

"Who died sir?"

"Sharon."

"Okay help is on the way. And who is Sharon sir?"

"My mother."

There was silence on the phone. I heard the officer breathing.

"Okay sir I'm going to need you to stay on the line."

I hung up. I sat on the floor again and waited for the police or ambulance to arrive. I closed my eyes and went somewhere else. I did not want to be here.

***

When the ambulance and police arrived to my house they went through the regular procedures. I avoided speaking and tried to be as distant as possible. They asked me questions and I barely responded. They asked me if I was the one that called the police and if I lived here, I said yes. They asked me if all the drugs and mess around the house was hers, I said yes. They asked me if I wanted to accompany them to the hospital with her, I said no. I had no intentions of going anywhere. I wanted to talk to Jade or Professor Lohberg. I know I had some emotion in me waiting to burst out and at the moment I was certain they would be the only ones who could facilitate it. I called Professor Lohberg but he didn't answer. I dialed Jade.

"Hello?"

"It's Jamie."

"Wilson, why are you calling me so late?"

"Sharon just died. I need someone to talk to."

"I can't talk right now Jamie, I'm with Max. I'm sorry. Call me tomorrow."

I paused for a moment to let the pain that shot through my chest ease up.

"Can you come to the funeral?"

"When is it?"

"The city will bury her in two days."

"Okay I will be there."

She was with Max instead of me. She didn't want to talk. Sharon was gone, I had no one. I wish I could stop all of time. I wish I could freeze myself. I sat on my porch and stared out into the darkness of the lonely night. The tears did not come. I was numb.

***

I was walking through town in back alley ways and side streets. I was a little child still. Looking up I saw that Sharon held my hand, she led me everywhere. I couldn't tell where we were going, we just seemed to walk. My clothes and shoes were tattered but I smiled. I was happy to have a mother. She had just rescued me from somewhere, I didn't remember where but I felt the feeling of loneliness ebb away and I clung to it. I was happy to walk with her. We went through an alley and darkness crept in so thick that I couldn't see her any longer. I felt her but I didn't see her. I heard people around me yelling and crying and screaming but we kept walking. When we emerged in the light again, my shoes and clothes were still tattered but now I was tall. I was a young man. I still held my mother's hand, but now she was smaller than me. She could barely walk. This time I led her. She resisted. The crying and screaming and yelling from around me had magnified, it was the noise of lost souls, they congregated in the alley way as they were all lost; clinging to bottles and needles. She wanted to belong there. I tried to lead her away but she slipped away, the darkness consumed her. I had lost her.

As I rolled in bed and woke up, a sick feeling of sadness lurked in my stomach like I had never felt before. I blinked and realized I had tears in my eye. It was two days since Sharon had passed away. I had been having dreams about her nonstop, each one more graphic and detailed than the next. It was the day of her funeral. I wondered who would show up. I only told Professor Lohberg and Jade.

I had not left the house since the death, I didn't even clean up a little bit. I figured the pain in my stomach was from not eating but I had no appetite. I couldn't manage to eat at all, I could barely look at food. I got out of bed and showered and put on all my black clothes. I would meet Professor Lohberg and walk to the funeral together. It would be my first human contact since; I was looking forward to it.

Professor Lohberg and I walked toward the funeral together in silence. The day did not fit the occasion. The sun shone brightly and birds chirped high in the air and trees. The universe would not grieve for Sharon. Why would it?

When I got to the funeral I counted seven people not including myself and Professor Lohberg. Two neighbors I recognized and the rest I had never seen. Jade had not shown by the time the proceedings started. I began to lose hope about our future. The hole of sadness grew in my chest. I sat next to the professor and watched the proceedings with tears in my eyes. The tears were not for Sharon, she had brought this upon herself. I didn't know what cause of death was, I never asked or opened the official document; I just assumed it was drug overdose. She was a parasite. I had tried to stop her.

I had felt ugly for not caring about Sharon's death. She had taken care of me for most of my life but alas she threw herself away when I needed her the most. In recent days I often felt I would've been better off staying in the orphanage. I had been prepared for this day for a long time, I had cried my tears I had felt my sadness. Now I was angry. I could only remember the negative parts, I clung to them. The anger made me feel okay.

Jade showed up as I was angrily berating Sharon in my head. She sat next to me and as expected the hole of sadness began to close. She was dressed in all black but I noticed that that wasn't the only reason she looked different. Her eyes were dull, her skin was not glowing; something was terribly wrong. Nonetheless her effect on me was the same and as they began to dig Sharon into the ground, the remorse that I was avoiding began to creep up on me. Only then I began to feel like I could have saved her. I could have stopped time everyday just before she used drugs and then threw everything away. I could have done a better job. But I didn't and now Sharon, the woman who raised me, was gone. She could have been saved. I felt guilty. My mental was a raging storm. It battled between anger, love, guilt, fear, grief and regret. My head pounded I tried to close my eyes. It did not help. I cursed Jade in my head for making me feel like I could have been a better person. I looked over at her and she sat in silence, staring, she seemed so far away. I wished she would be close.

The burial was over quickly, no one had anything to say.

"Jade can we talk?"

She looked at me, her eyes seemed somewhat apologetic.

"I have to go Wilson," she said and fondled with her purse, "I wrote you a note."

She welled with tears and a smile crept over her face; a sad smile.

As she stood in front of me, even though I had not heard from her for weeks and I was losing hope, as I looked at her I imagined our future together and the possibility of how great it could be. I saw our little kid running around as she made us breakfast. I saw myself waking up to her scent everyday and going to sleep to her touch every night. She looked as though she was not doing well but she was still undeniably beautiful.

"Jade are you okay?"

"Wait a week and then open it okay? Please, you will understand," she pleaded.

"Yeah, of course," I said.

She turned around and hurriedly walked off. From behind I could see her wipe her tears. Every time I saw her I fell in love again; every time she left I felt lost again. I put the note in my pocket and headed back to where Professor Lohberg still sat. I sat next to him. We sat in silence, staring at the mound of dirt that was just freshly dug and put back for Sharon to be put under. I wondered if I would miss her in a couple of days. For the most part I had been living without her for some time now; I didn't think there would be much difference. She had been dead in my eyes a long time ago. It didn't help me feel any better. Professor Lohberg and I got up to walk our way home.

"You okay son?" he had started calling me son.

I had been on edge when it came to my relationship with him because I had become so vulnerable to being abandoned and his unannounced absences fluctuated irregularly and I involuntarily began to try to distance myself from him. But despite that I really appreciated the gesture of him calling me son; I never told him how much I appreciated it.

"Yeah I'm okay,"

"Well if you're okay I would hate to see you sad," he joked.

I looked down as usual. My mind felt foggy.

"It was all my fault," I said, and I believed.

"How do you figure?"

He always wanted me to explain myself before he gave an opinion.

"She used to be more of a mother; she used to be caring and even though she was very quiet and..." I went silent trying not to cry, my emotions had been more on edge than ever, "...she never used drugs, she was never like that. What she became, isn't her, that wasn't in her, I put that in her."

I took a breath. The tears were here, and my voice had risen. I looked around to see if anyone was around.

"She would have never used drugs if her husband didn't die and I killed her husband. He would say that all the time how I was the problem, he would hit her because of me! And when he died, she was fed up of pretending to be okay for me so she started getting high because that was better than the reality of being in my life!"

I kept my hands in my pockets. I didn't feel like wiping my tears.

"Everyone avoids the reality of being in my life. My birth parents ditched me, and so did my adoptive parents. Do you know anyone else to ever get ditched by two sets of parents? Daniel replaced me, he was my best friend and he doesn't even give a crap. It's only a matter of time before Jade replaces me. And I am sure you will too."

The tears had dried. I no longer wanted to release any emotion. I would not let any of my darkness out into the world. I decided I would keep all of it inside. The more I kept inside, the better place the world would be. Professor Lohberg and Lazlo did not need to be pulled in. I had decided that I would have to call Jade and tell her there had been a change of plans. I didn't want to run away with her again. I couldn't let my darkness onto her. She didn't deserve it.

"I have to go." I said to the professor and then I walked off to my house. I needed to pick up my skateboard. I needed to get out of here.

***

I got home, picked up my board and rolled away immediately. I cringed when I walked into the house. For all the darkness within me, the house made it darker. It felt as if the Grim Reaper was still there, hanging out after the death, waiting to see who he could claim next. I headed straight for the skate park. Once upon a time it was a source of happiness, a place to escape to. I needed to see if I could find any of that happiness there, I needed to see if I could still escape.

Skateboarding always eased my mind. I don't know if it was the wheels against the pavement, the wind hitting your face, the sights whizzing by or the need to somehow find balance. Today however; it was none of those things. I was burdened by my mind. Thoughts that hadn't haunted me in a year resurfaced. Thoughts about my real parents and what it was inside of me that never even thought to search for them; thoughts about my adoptive parents and what it was inside of me that made them alcoholics, abusive and addicted; thoughts about what I would do now that my life had gone full circle and I was basically an orphan again; thoughts about why I was even abandoned so early and why it was a recurring theme in my life; thoughts about Professor Lohberg and how long before he would leave my life. As I skated I felt lost, I felt alone. I was.

***

I had always been envious of simplicity. Since I could remember, my life had been filled with complexity. Turmoil and discomfort was a central theme to my whole being. I had never had the luxury of simplicity. As I got to the skate park, I stopped and looked on. It was full of young kids learning how to use skate boards and bicycles. They wore all the protective gear that their parents could fit on their body. The parents did not want their kids getting hurt, as is the instinct of most parents. Their lives must be so simple. As I stood there looking, I began to feel hatred towards them. Their lives would likely always be simple. They had parents that wanted them to enjoy that simplicity. They had parents that took pictures of them and celebrated and enjoyed their existence. They enjoyed things that I had only been able to dream of and see on television and be jealous about. One day when they grew up their biggest concerns would be about not having a good hair day, about not having the latest technology and about not being asked to prom. They would never know what it means to feel abandoned, what it means to feel lost, what it means to have nothing to be happy about. I was tempted to walk over there and scare them away from the skate park; I wanted to end their happiness. I needed to get out of there.

I walked away and went to my regular alone-time bench at the park. It was a single seat. I never sat where Professor Lohberg and I sat unless he was with me. I felt as if that was something we should only enjoy together. As I sat down I looked at the ducks, the ducklings had grown exponentially and were now almost as big as their parents. Yet, they all lived in perfect harmony, there was no complex power struggle, there was no outcasts, there was no neglect; there was only happiness and simplicity.

"Aargh!" I picked up a handful of stones and threw it in the water. I hated seeing them in their natural habitat. Why couldn't their parents fly off and leave them. I was not doing okay. I got up and trudged to my house. I needed to get out of there.

***

It had been one week since the funeral. One week since Jade gave me the letter. I was beginning to get used to the misery; it was a horrible thing to get used to. I rarely left my room, I mostly smoked and slept. My two escapes. I would leave to go to Professor Lohberg's house once in a while. He had told me that he became sick and preferred to be alone with his puppy. I was used to the rejection I wasn't surprised that he would rather me around. Our time together dwindled over that week.

I had put the letter that Jade had given me on top of my night stand next to my bed. Every day I looked at it. I stared at it actually. Jade had asked me to wait a week and I couldn't bring myself to open it before then. I was too loyal to her. I was a slave to her. I longed to tear into it and read what she said but I resisted. It made me happy every time I looked at it. I felt as if I had a piece of her to sleep next to every night. I had latched onto it as a source of happiness. Now it was time to open it but for some reason I just stared at it. I held it in my hand and felt it. Whatever was inside of here was clearly important. I had changed my mind about not wanting to spread my darkness onto Jade. I know I had grown fickle and often wondered if I would be making the right decision to run away with her but I always wound up with the same conclusion. I needed her, she would end the darkness. As I looked at the letter I wondered which way my life was about to turn. Now that it was time to open it, a part of me didn't want to. I was afraid.

I put it down and decided I would take a shower and then a nap. It was midday and I was already plotting my next nap. It had become a habit. I fell asleep easily.

I dreamt I was a king laying on a queen size bed. I was surrounded by exotic rugs and Persian women; they paraded in their underwear and stared out at my view of the city. I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. I had acquired everything physically possible that any man could acquire. I had money and power but day after day I lay in bed, sick. The buildings outside my window blocked the natural view of the sunrise and sunset and I couldn't bear to look at them. I wished the curtains could be closed all the time, I wished it could be dark all the time. I was surrounded by women, of all sizes and to fit all of my physical and sexual needs and that obeyed my every command; yet I was alone. I didn't want them to touch me or even look at me, I remained covered up. They didn't mean anything to me. What I really wanted I would never have, and it ate me alive. I pulled the sheets all the way over my face and screamed out, in a room full of people, no one heard me.

I sat up in bed and checked the clock. It was four in the afternoon. The sun would set in a couple hours. I had a deep seated sadness lodged in my stomach. I decided I would go see the professor and ask him to walk with me to see the sunset. Maybe he felt better and was able to walk with me. If not I would ask him if I could take Lazlo with me.

The death had not left the house. The scent, or the aura or whatever it was still lingered. The Grim Reaper still lingered, hungry, hopeful. I had not cleaned anything at all. The house was still littered with trash; it still smelt like it was unsafe for humans to inhabit. I was used to it. It helped magnify the misery. A sadistic, cynical part of me had begun to enjoy the depression. There was no more color to my life. I tried to not get happy anymore, I knew the effects of it stung too much when it wore off. It was much safer in the darkness. I knew I wanted to be happy and enjoy simplicity, but it was easier to pretend that I didn't than to chase it.

I walked to Professor Lohberg. The sun shone way too brightly. I walked with my head down and my hands in my pockets. The monotonous patterns of the sidewalk caused my mind to drift off into a daze. I imagined a young kid and a father at a zoo walking around, the child was on the back of the father and the father held on to his legs to keep him secure. He pointed out animals to him. The little kid possessed something special, every time he pointed at an animal that his father showed him, the animal would begin to make noise. The snakes would hiss, the elephants would blare and the lions would roar. He got to the ducks in the ponds and they began to squawk, but not like ducks did. I looked up and saw an ambulance speed by. I went back to my lucid imagination. The animals had stopped making noise and the son and father looked at each other. They were the same person. They were happy. They were me. Two things I would never have were the two things I wanted the most. I looked at my hands and tears started to drip into them. I had been granted this special power, this thing that set me apart from everyone, and it did not do one bit of difference to my life. I could have anything I wanted physically, I could do anything I wanted, but I didn't want anything. I could have made the world a better place, yet I sat in my room and smoked cigarettes and watched weird pornography.

When I got to Professor Lohberg's house I felt something in the pit of my stomach that was sickeningly familiar; something was wrong.

His door was wide open and from inside Lazlo barked incessantly. I looked around and everything else seemed normal. The regular cars were parked along the streets outside of his house and nothing was out of place. I ran to the corner and entered his yard. I jumped up the flight of stairs and that's when the ghostly stark white presence ominously loomed over me. Parked on the street on the side was the unmistakable presence of an ambulance vehicle. It was tough to see properly through the thick trees and bushes that Professor Lohberg let grow around his yard but I was certain. I had been grossly familiar with the bright red lines and the intense white of the truck and I had grown to hate the colors. The effect was gutting. The Grim Reaper sat in the back I was sure, he always came along for the ride.

"Professor!" I ran into the house flustered.

I looked around and saw nothing. The commotion was upstairs. I sprinted up the stairs five at a time; they seemed to never end.

"Professor!" I bolted into his room.

He lay on the floor with two paramedics around him.

"Who are you? You can't come in here!" one of them whirled around and snarled.

"Um, that's my..." I was going to say he was my grandfather when he cut me off.

"Jamie, Is that you?" he managed weakly.

"Yes." I knelt next to him, hatred building for the two men in uniform next to him. I would snap if they spoke.

Professor Lohberg was calm. His eyes seemed relaxed as if he was enjoying a drink on the beach. His heart beat gently; he always had the demeanor of someone relaxed and in control, even now with the Grim Reaper waiting for him to close his eyes forever. The aura of death was silenced by the sense of serenity. Lazlo lay down right next to him, before I walked in he barked ferociously but it seemed that he calmed also, he followed his master.

"Jamie,"

"Professor, don't talk, save your energy professor don't speak please."

"Jamie, I have nothing to save, this is it for me; this is my last stop,"

"Don't say that!" I spat, "Shut up!"

I had become angry. I couldn't be abandoned again.

"Jamie, settle. Death is beautiful, it is one of the certainties of life; there is beauty in the inevitable."

I was fully weeping. I couldn't even manage to yell out in anger. I had wondered when Professor Lohberg would walk out of my life as everyone else had but I didn't believe it would be like this. It couldn't be like this. He had been sick and I hadn't spent much time with him recently and I was sure he didn't want me around for some reason and I was mad at him for that, but now I regretted not being more aggressive and pushing to stay in his house and hang out with him. My insides felt as if it would shatter.

"Settle Jamie and listen,"

He looked at me with his big piercing eyes.

"I knew you would come tonight. The ambulance has been here for a couple minutes now and they wanted to take me away but I managed to keep them here, I knew you were coming."

He was making me angry. He couldn't just die. I had no one!

"Listen, promise me you will make a difference in this world, you can do things that no one else can."

He took a deep breath and my heart stopped. I wondered if his had stopped too.

"You have taught me a lot young man, and I regret not being able to live longer just so I could learn more from you,"

I couldn't see him anymore, too many tears; I could only listen and every word cut deeper.

"Promise me that you will always appreciate the sunrise and the sunset for as long as you live. I love you, son."

And with that he closed his eyes. The paramedics looked from me to him to the dog for a moment. Then without a word they hoisted him up.

"Can I come to the hospital?" I managed to get out.

"No young man, only relatives allowed in the ambulance,"

"And we are not going to the hospital, we are going to the morgue," the other one chimed in.

I was tempted to attack him. I was tempted to freeze everything and spend one last evening with the professor. But I didn't. I stood there, helpless, hopeless. The paramedics took him to the ambulance and drove away. I stayed in the room with Lazlo, he barked again. I sat next to him and he put his head in my lap. I wept, and the dog remained quiet. His master was gone, the closest thing I had to a father was gone. I was still angry. I was angry that he died, how could he leave me like that? I sat there crying until the sun went down. I closed the window as it was going down, I couldn't bear to look at any view.

When it was dark out I got up to go home, Lazlo followed me. He didn't want to be alone and neither did I.

***

Professor Lohberg had always made me think deeply. And as dangerous as my mind could be, it was currently the safest place to be, I dwelled in it. He had said that I should make a difference in the world because I was special, unfortunately even though he was dead I didn't believe it. Ironically, on my way there I had told myself that that's what I would make that difference, but I couldn't believe in it. Not anymore, reality was too cruel; I refused to be a part of it. He had said that he loved me; no one had ever said that to me as far as I could remember. On his death bed, he had made me the happiest I had ever felt, even more than Jade. On his death bed, while I shook with anger and fear and dripped with tears he had given me the one thing that I had spent years searching for and couldn't find, he had made me feel appreciated, he had made me feel wanted; he had made me feel happy.

***

I woke up to the phone ringing. I had fallen asleep on my front porch with the dog by my side still. He was loyal to whoever his owner was loyal to and showed it in even in his absence. I wondered if he understood what took place. He was just a simple creature, did he understand death? His eyes told me he did.

I got up and went inside to answer the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hi, good day may I speak with Jamie Wilson" the voice on the other line said.

"I am Jamie Wilson," I coughed, my lungs hurt. Maybe it was the smoke, maybe it was the wailing.

"Hi Jamie, my name is Meredith I am calling from Life After Life and I have a message for you,"

"Um, Okay,"

"You are expected to come down to the building as soon as you can within the next week. A mister Michael Lohberg left behind a letter addressed to you and it has to be picked up within a week or else we dispose of it due to traffic pile up."

I choked up on the phone; she was being so casual while I was in so much pain.

"Okay," I was able to muster the strength to get it out without sounding like I was about to break. The truth was I was already broken and doing everything I could not to fall apart. I hung up.

I looked outside and Lazlo sat staring out into the streets. Every now and again he changed the direction he stared. It was as if he expected his master to come walking down the street towards him. I knew better. I wished he did too.

I walked upstairs to take a shower. I planned to immediately go down to the office of whatever and get this letter. I researched the address online and wrote it down. I got into the shower where I wept deeply again. This was the harshest blow nature had dealt me. I hadn't cared about my adoptive father; that was easy to deal with; I only acted out because I wished he was different. When Sharon passed I had expected it, she had been dead to me for weeks or maybe months before. But this one singed me. I wasn't ready, I was unprepared. Life sucker punched me when I was most vulnerable. Through all the tears I had felt the glimmer of happiness that Professor Lohberg had left in me. I could die because of it.

I got out of the shower and began to get dressed. I noticed on my night stand next to my bed was a letter that remained unread. I had forgotten to read the letter from Jade. Now I was not scared anymore. The last couple of days had aged me quickly; I had matured a couple years it felt like. Tragedy had a knack for doing that to a person.

I picked it up.

Dear Wilson,

I really regret not trying to be a part of your life for the year that you walked out of mine. I thought you were dead and I was too stupid to check otherwise. I am so stupid, and I apologize for that. The day I saw you in the grocery, the day I had planned to look for you anyway, I dropped my eggs right on the floor. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that's where fate had taken me. We were meant to see each other on that day. We did a lot of catching up, I felt much closer to you in that day than I had our whole friendship before then. It made me realize how stupid I was for not trying to find you sooner. It was all my fault with all you were going through. It makes all of my complaints so petty compared to yours. We ended up sharing a really intimate moment, the best moment I had ever experienced in my life. You really made me feel wanted, like I had never felt before. No one had ever given me that feeling you gave me that night. I replay it in my head every day. I am in love with that night. That night will stay with me forever no matter what. You left me with your seed. As you know you got me pregnant, and I didn't want to be. Life is so crazy to me.

I am writing you to tell you that I cannot run away with you. I really did consider it I swear but the reality is that I can't make that happen. I can't give up everything to live this fantasy that you believe in. I am truly sorry Jamie; in another life it would be perfect. I'm sorry.

You gave me the courage to stand up to my parents and do what I want with my life. And I thank you very much for that. I am moving west to attend art school in Arizona, Max has family over there and he is coming with me. We are going to start our life together; you will be invited to the wedding when it happens.

I am going to have an abortion. I spoke to a doctor about it and the procedure will happen when I get to Arizona. I am deeply sorry for this. I knew you would have wanted me to keep it but I just can't do that. Max thinks the baby is his and he won't allow me to keep it. I have to be realistic about the situation. He doesn't know about you and I and I think it needs to stay that way for my sake.

I love you Jamie Wilson, you are special and I hope you do whatever you are supposed to do with that special power you were given. The world could use a superhero like you. I hope to see you one day soon.

Love Always, Jade Hewitt

I was no expert on writing letters but some instinct spoke out in me and told me that the letter I had just read had been insincere. Even though it was just words on paper, it shouldn't feel like just words on paper, something told me that if she had meant it I would be able to feel it; I couldn't.

"Don't call me Jamie, bitch" I said to myself triumphantly.

I ripped the letter in half and threw it in my waste bin.

I had decided I knew the letter was going to be some type of news like that, and I was just avoiding the reality of it, it was easier to pretend. But now that I knew what I was going to do, I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about Jade at the moment. I needed to get to the office that Professor Lohberg left a letter for me at. That's all my mind was on.

I ran out the front door and Lazlo followed me. I walked briskly with him next to me, it was not a very far walk and we got there quickly. I was very happy for his company. I got into the building and told the lady at reception my name. The process was actually very easy. I had to sign a document saying that I did in fact pick it up and that was it. I grabbed the letter and stared at it and walked out of the door. On my way out, a man in a trench coat brushed past me. I turned around to look at him and my hairs stood on end. He was familiar, I knew him.

"Watson?" I said before I could stop myself.

The man looked up, but he never turned around. He continued to talk to the person at the desk. I decided I had more important things to do. I held on to the glimmer of happiness that Professor Lohberg had left me with and that kept me focused on what I wanted to do. That kept me going. As I walked away I had the feeling that someone was staring at me, I felt their eyes penetrate me and glare at my neck. I never turned around. I was heading somewhere and I needed to get there as quickly as I could. The sun would set soon.

***

I stopped at my home on my way out; I picked up my skateboard and a bottle of water, my trusty journal and a couple of pens. I grabbed a pack of biscuits incase I got hungry. I looked around my house and began to feel very sentimental. I was not sure if I would ever see any of it again, the feeling made me feel weirdly euphoric. I was free from the house that had paralyzed me my whole life; I couldn't wait to get out of there. Lazlo and I hit the road shortly after. I skated and he trotted alongside me. He had no idea where we were going of course but he followed loyally regardless.

I skated and he walked for hours it seemed like, with my items in my pockets and clutched in my arms. I came to an area where I had to go off road and could no longer skate. I picked my board up in my free arm and began to walk. Lazlo seemed hesitant, but soon followed behind. His master had passed away 24 hours ago and he had already found another person to be loyal to. He was wired that way.

My walk had turned into a hike. We began to go through a steep uphill climb. One foot after the next for hours, we fought through a couple bugs and spider and heavy bushes and finally we emerged where we needed to be.

We were in a clearing. Behind us was thick forestry, but here where we stood there was clean fresh air and silence. I walked to the edge; it was a very steep cliff. The fall below was a couple hundred feet. It took my breath away. Lazlo stayed away from the edge. I looked around me and I saw the entire city.

When Professor Lohberg was still alive, and we would sit on the park bench, this was the spot we stared at. This was the spot that the sun set behind. This was the spot I needed to be. This was the spot I now stood. I sat down where Lazlo had settled and smiled.

"Can you see me!" I yelled into the sky.

I was speaking to the professor. I was sure he was looking at me and that he could hear me. I laughed until it turned into tears. I rested my head on the dog and waited until the sun went down, the sunset was especially beautiful this evening. The hour it took to fully set and disappear I recalled every good and bad memory I had had within the past year. Even the bad memories, which were the majority piled onto the euphoria that I was now feeling. It all led up to where I was now, I stared at the sky and imagined that Michael stared back at me. It made my tears flow more heavily. I was sure Lazlo cried as well.

When it grew dark I sat up and began writing. The full moon illuminated the entire hill. I took my pencil out and opened my journal.

I stared at it for a long time thinking about what I was about to do, I felt alive.

Last Journal Entry,

Now here I am, sitting on top of this hill that so many times I stared at thinking about where to find happiness, and it turns out that the cliché was true and it was in front of me the whole time. My life up to this point has been crazy. As I write this I reflect on everything that I have been through.

I'm thinking about myself, and my parents that abandoned me. Since I found out, I had been mad at them for not trying to take care of me but I was a hypocrite. I had never tried to find them or figure out what their position was. Maybe they wished me well and gave me up in order for me to have a better life. I appreciated that.

I'm thinking about my adoptive parents. Sharon and the man I had never gotten to know, not even by name. I had been so angry all my life about how we lived. One abusive and one submissive. They really taught me about realities that I never read about when I delved into my books. My adoptive father taught me how not to behave, and what ideals not to have. And he also made enough money for the entire family to somehow always have food and shelter. Sharon, my adoptive mother, she cared for me always. When she was healthy she always made sure I was okay and safe from the harshness of the household. When she was sick things were not ideal but I realized now that I always loved her. In hindsight she taught me how to love that which was not perfect. I appreciated that.

I'm thinking about Daniel and how he was my first encounter with friendship. Apart from all of the random sports facts, he taught me what it meant to be a good person no matter what. Even though I had never been a good friend to him, and now I never would, it made me happy that I got to experience someone like that in my life. I appreciated that.

I'm thinking about Jade and how she was my first reason to love something. I had developed feelings for her in ways that I was sure many humans never get to experience in their lifetime. She showed me how emotions could also bring good things instead of just darkness. I thought about the night of passion we shared. My hairs still stood on end at the thought of it. Surely fate existed for something like that to happen. I was happy that she was moving away, it made it possible for me to do what I was about to do. I wished she didn't go through with the abortion however. But we shared a very special moment in my life and she said it was significant to her as well. I appreciated that.

I'm thinking about Professor Lohberg. The thought has me crying, I have to take regular breaks as to not soil the paper. Professor Lohberg stood out in my memory. He had taught me so much; it was crazy how much he impacted me every time we met. He was the greatest person I had ever met. I had spent years searching for what I wanted, being tempted to take things I could take when I discovered my powers. He taught me how to control all of that and then made sure that I knew the evil that could come of it. He was my real father. He made this possible. In the morning when the sun comes up I am going to read his letter, let it fill me with happiness and then jump off of the cliff. I had decided that was what I needed to do. Now that I had found happiness, I did not want to imagine living without it. A man was once blind, through science he was given the technology that made vision possible for him, then he found himself so unhappy with the things he had seen after a couple of years that he shot himself. I could relate to that blind man. I did not want to lose this happiness by attempting to find more, I was happy with how it was at the moment, I did not want to wait a couple of years and then shoot myself. I wanted to go when I was happy, off of the very thing that made me long for happiness, and after reading something from the very man that had instilled it in me. I would enjoy one more sunrise. I appreciated that.

I am Jamie Wilson and this is my story.

***

18 years later

***

My name is Jean Hewitt and this is my story.

I am the son of Jade Hewitt and Jamie Wilson. My mother died when I was being born; there were some complications in her pregnancy. I was supposed to be aborted. The abandonment streak was supposed to be continued but it seems as if something went wrong with the procedure and against all odds I am alive. The book you are reading is a book that I wrote; I turned my father's very detailed personal journal into a first person story. When I found out all of this it was the first thing I thought to do. When he jumped off of that cliff he left behind a journal, a letter and a dog. The dog passed away a couple years ago, you have just read the journal and here is the letter:

Dear Jamie,

Something happened to you a year ago. I have never said anything because I didn't know how. I sometimes volunteered to drive the school bus and one particular day I decided to drive something rare happened. A kid ran into the middle of the road, I didn't notice if he was pushed or he was just being careless, but I did notice that I would not be able to stop in time; but suddenly a miracle happened. I was sure I was going to kill the helpless child that had just stumbled into the path of my bus but somehow I did stop in time; as a matter of fact I stopped almost immediately. The entire bus stopped moving, and when I looked around everyone in the bus stopped moving as well. When I looked outside, everyone on the street had stopped moving as well. I could not comprehend what had happened and when I got out of the bus to see what had happened, you were gone as if you had never been there and I had just imagined something way beyond my ability to imagine things. But as fate would have it, I ended up befriending you and learning your story and seeing it firsthand and finally understanding what had happened on that significant day.

You had frozen everything. Your ability is not limited to people, but things that people control also. The strength you used to stop the bus sent you in a coma, for some reason I wasn't frozen, it was as if the powers that be needed me to be moving. To this day I still do not know the full detail of what took place and how you ended up in the hospital but I know my mysterious son Watson had something to do with it. Yes, Watson was my son, he is just like you. He and I are not very close but from time to time he lets me in on the things in his life, he has dealt with people of your kind before, it is his line of work. Fate works in mysterious ways and should often be left unexplained, it forces one to just believe and be mystified and have faith; it is a wonderful thing.

If you are reading this I am already dead. I will keep brief; I don't want to bore you from the grave.

Firstly, I hope you do great things with your newfound power. You can change the world, maybe unconventionally but it is possible.

Secondly, take care of Lazlo; he has been my life partner. My wife died young and he is all I had. He is a great companion.

Thirdly, everything I owned belongs to you. It is written in my will so the people who take care of those things will be in contact with you. You were like the son I never had and I hope one day you have a son that you can pass everything down to and help him change the world.

That being said,

I love you Wilson.

Michael Lohberg

There is a saying that goes: "the son will pay the sins of the father"

My name is Jean Hewitt and this is my father's story.

