- I'M NOSE-GREASING THIS BEER
'CAUSE I CANNOT DEAL
WITH THIS FOAM.
- I'VE NEVER HEARD
"NOSE-GREASING."
- WHAT?
- I'VE NEVER HEARD THAT TERM.
- OKAY, SO YOU, LIKE,
TAKE THE SIDE OF YOUR FACE--
- OKAY.
- THERE'S ALWAYS GREASE
ON YOUR FACE.
- OF COURSE,
I HAVE A GREASY FACE.
- T-ZONE.
OKAY, SO THEN YOU
TAKE IT, AND YOU JUST,
LIKE, KIND OF--
- THEN I HAVE GREASE
IN MY DRINK.
- YEAH, WHICH IS, LIKE--
MEANS YOU CAN DRINK IT SOONER.
[laughs]
- [snorts]
[both laugh]
HELLO.
TODAY WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT FRANCES CLEVELAND,
WIFE OF GROVER CLEVELAND.
SO, LIKE, BASICALLY
GROVER CLEVELAND
GETS ELECTED PRESIDENT,
AND HE WAS JUST, LIKE,
A FAT, LONELY MAN
LIVING ALONE
IN THAT WHITE HOUSE,
AND HE WAS LIKE, OKAY,
I'M IN A VERY UNIQUE SITUATION.
I'M NOT MARRIED,
AND, LIKE, I NEED A CHICK
THAT'S GOING TO, LIKE,
BE THE FIRST LADY.
ROSE CLEVELAND,
GROVER'S LESBIAN SISTER
WAS LIKE, LET'S INVITE
THE EMMA FOLSOM LADY
TO A WHITE HOUSE SOMETHING.
SO, LIKE, EMMA WENT
TO THE WHITE HOUSE,
AND EVERYONE WAS LIKE, I THINK
HE'S GONNA MARRY EMMA FOLSOM.
LIKE, THAT'S GOING TO BE
THE WAY THIS SHAKES DOWN.
BUT THEN, YOU KNOW
GROVES LIKE, KIND OF
SAW EMMA'S DAUGHTER FRANCES,
THIS, LIKE,
BEAUTIFUL 21-YEAR-OLD GIRL,
AND HE WAS LIKE,
HOW CAN I HIT THAT?
LIKE, IT WAS ROMANTIC,
AND, LIKE,
HE WOUND UP BEING LIKE,
LET'S JUST YOU AND ME
TAKE A LITTLE TOUR
OF THIS WHITE HOUSE SITUATION.
SO, LIKE, HE TOOK HER OUT
TO, LIKE, SOME BALCONY
THAT'S ALL LIKE [bleep] ROMANTIC
OR WHATEVER,
AND HE WAS JUST LIKE,
LOOK AT THIS.
LIKE, LOOK AT THIS.
HE'S LIKE, I LIVE IN THE MOST
EXPENSIVE HOUSE IN AMERICA.
IT'S [bleep] FABULOUS.
SO, LIKE, SHE LIKE,
LOOKED AT IT
AND WAS LIKE, THIS IS FABULOUS.
I COULD MAYBE SEE MYSELF
BEING THE FIRST LADY.
BUT THEN EMMA FOLSOM
SAW THAT, LIKE,
GROVER WAS JOCKING
ON HER DAUGHTER FRANCES.
LIKE, SHE WAS LIKE,
OKAY, LIKE,
I THINK YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET
WITH THE GUY
THAT I LIKE,
WHICH IS, LIKE, BOGUS.
YOU JUST, LIKE,
GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
SO SHE SENDS HER TO EUROPE
FOR, LIKE, ONE YEAR
AFTER HER GRADUATION,
BUT UNBEKNOWNST
TO HER OWN DAMN SELF,
GROVER CLEVELAND WROTE FRANCES,
LIKE, A LETTER,
AND WAS LIKE,
LET'S GET MARRIED,
AND...
[giggles]
FRANCES, LIKE, WROTE BACK,
LIKE,
YES, I WILL MARRY YOU.
LIKE, IT WAS ONE OF THOSE,
LIKE--
IT WAS LIKE A KHLOE AND LAMAR
SORT OF NINE-DAY
WEDDING SITUATION
WHERE THEY, LIKE, VERY QUICKLY
ANNOUNCED THEIR ENGAGEMENT.
GROVER WAS LIKE,
FRANCES IS, LIKE,
GONNA BE THE MAIN BITCH.
THE PRESS FREAKED OUT.
SO, LIKE, GROVER WAS LIKE,
OKAY.
WELL, I WILL BE FULLY COMMITTED
TO A CERTAIN WOMAN,
I WILL BE FULLY COMMITTED
TO A WOMAN
THAT'S MY HUSBAND--WIFE.
[laughs]
WAIT, WHAT WAS I SAYING?
I DIDN'T EAT TODAY.
THAT'S SO BAD.
- WE NEED TO GET SOME FOOD
IN YOU.
- OKAY, WAIT.
LET'S SEE YOU.
OH, HONEY.
CUTE.
OH, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
ONE, PLACE
"FROGEN" NUGGETS.
FROZEN.
OKAY.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- KILLING IT.
[laughter]
- SO, LIKE, THEY DID THAT,
AND THE PRESS
WAS, LIKE, HOUNDING.
LIKE, THIS WAS THE FIRST TIME
THAT SOME PRESIDENT,
LIKE, MARRIED A GIRL
WHILE HE WAS
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
SHE WAS KIND OF LIKE
AN IT GIRL.
LIKE, EVERY TIME SHE WAS
ON A MAGAZINE COVER,
THEY WOULD MOVE MAD UNITS.
IT'S LIKE HER IMAGE
WAS REALLY EXPLOITED,
AND PEOPLE WERE PUTTING HER
EVERYWHERE AND EVERYTHING
FROM, LIKE,
HOUSEHOLD CLEANING PRODUCTS
TO, LIKE,
SMALL PERSONAL ITEMS.
LIKE, PILL BOXES,
WOODEN THINGS,
BECAUSE THEY FELT THAT,
LIKE, YEAH,
THIS GIRL WILL SELL [bleep],
BUT SHE WAS LIKE, WHATEVER.
YOU GUYS CAN, LIKE,
BASTARDIZE ME
AND TURN ME INTO
ALL OF THESE DIFFERENT
COMMERCIAL PRODUCTS,
BUT, LIKE, ACTUALLY I'M
A COLLEGE-EDUCATED WOMAN.
I'M PUT TOGETHER, AND, LIKE,
PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN ME
IN A WAY THAT
THEY HAVEN'T BEEN INTERESTED
IN OTHER FIRST LADIES,
AND I'M GONNA, LIKE,
BLOW THAT UP.
LIKE, IF EVERYONE'S GONNA BE
PAYING ATTENTION TO ME,
LET'S MAKE SURE
THEY'RE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME
FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
AND BY THE WAY, I WOULD
LIKE TO BE CALLED FRANK.
I MEAN, YOU CAN CALL ME FRANCES
OR YOU CAN CALL ME FRANK,
BUT MOSTLY FRANK.
- THAT'S PRETTY COOL--
A GIRL SAYING
SHE WANTS TO BE CALLED
FRANK.
- I MEAN,
THAT'S THE THING IS,
LIKE, SHE WAS
A DOWN-ASS BITCH.
LIKE, SHE'S LIKE,
EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY,
I'M GOING TO MEET WITH
THE WORKING WOMEN OF WASHINGTON,
AND THERE WOULD BE
LINES FORMING OUTSIDE
OF THE WHITE HOUSE.
AND FRANCES CLEVELAND, LIKE,
SAW TWO YOUNG GIRLS
EATING OUT OF--
OUT OF
A DUMPSTER ONE DAY.
SHE'S LIKE, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.
LIKE, THIS IS NOT RIGHT.
AND SO SHE STARTED
A CHARITY CALLED, LIKE,
THE HOME FOR FRIENDLESS
COLORED GIRLS.
I'M GONNA SAY, LIKE, THAT'S
A BRUTAL NAME FOR A CHARITY.
[dog growls]
- SHH.
CAN YOU BE QUIET?
WAIT ONE SECOND.
OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.
[dog growls]
BUT SHE HAD ALL THIS [bleep]
GOING ON.
SO, LIKE, GROVER,
HE WAS LIKE,
I DON'T WANT MY WIFE
ESPECIALLY--
A WOMAN SHOULDN'T BOTHER
THEIR HEAD WITH POLITICS.
BUT, LIKE, ESPECIALLY
MY WIFE SHOULD NOT
BE BOTHERING HER HEAD
WITH POLITICS.
LIKE, SHE--OH, HOLD ON.
WHERE'S MY LIGHTER?
THANK YOU.
SHE WAS THE ONE THAT SAID
LIKE, YEAH, OKAY.
LIKE, YEAH, OKAY, GROVES.
LIKE, YOU'RE, LIKE--
YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT I CAN'T HAVE
A POLITICAL OPINION
OR YOU'RE TELLING ME
WHATEVER,
BUT, LIKE, [bleep] IT.
THESE ARE MY GIRLS.
LIKE, I'M GONNA
HAVE THESE PEOPLE,
I'M GONNA SHAKE
ALL OF THEIR HANDS,
I'M GONNA HEAR
THEIR THOUGHTS,
I'M GONNA HEAR THEIR VOICES.
AND SHE WENT OUT OF HER WAY
TO SUPPORT WOMEN.
LIKE, SHE WAS SO CHARITABLE,
AND SHE NEVER STOPPED.
AND ON HER VERY LAST DAY
IN THE WHITE HOUSE,
23,000 PEOPLE CAME OUT
TO MEET HER,
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
THANKS SO MUCH.
SHE'S GREAT.
I USUALLY--HONESTLY,
I'M IN LOVE WITH HER.
LIKE, I THINK SHE'S
THE GREATEST FIRST LADY EVER.
- CHEERS.
- CHEERS TO DAY-DRINKING.
[glasses clink]
- DAY-DRINKING.
[both laugh]
