♫ A Majestic, Mountainous Theme ♫
EMRE: It's time for Fün Tits to go shoppin'!
AARON: Well, Good Morning!
ENDARIE: Oooooh...What a delight. Another *charming* customer...
EMRE: Was that sarcasm??
AARON: I dunno, man. She's never a happy lady.
EMRE: She looks like a Kardashian.
AARON: Wha?? A *licker* hood?
I better buy *that*. I dunno what a 'licker hood' is, but I got it now.
Aw, that's a nice--I like the colors on that one.
EMRE: Yeah! That's right, Folks.
AARON: Ohhh! Wowww--It's shiny!
EMRE: We're shopping in Skyrim...
AARON: We sure are! It's all gonna make sense. You'll see.
Here's the thing. My clothes are *fine*. I didn't buy those clothes for *me*.
I bought those clothes...
To give to other people.
OOkay, let's see here....
*Take*.
[EMRE laughs as AARON'S perversion reaches new heights]
AARON: There ya go! That's a little bit better!
Yeah!
TAARIE [displeased]: HMMMM. If you ever want to replace those old rags, stop by 'Radiant Raiment'.
AARON: Uhhhh...
EMRE: Look who's talking!
AARON: Yeaaah, that's kinda funny coming from you!
Why don't ya just hold on for a second?
I'm gonna help you out.
Yeah, definitely. She needs a 'licker hood'.
Maybe just the boots and a hat?
So, there she's got the boots on...
You didn't put the hat on!
TAARIE: GIT AWAY FROM MEEE!
AARON: PUT THE HAT ON!
EMRE: Give her some clothes, man. She must be chilly.
AARON: Uggghh, fiiine...
What? She didn't even put 'em on! I gave her clothes, and she won't put them on.
That's really disturbing. So, if I steal the clothes off everyone in this town, they'll just always walk around in their underwear.
EMRE [also a pervert]: DO IT, MAN! DO IT!
AARON [regretting a decision, for once]: That's gonna give me nightmares, I think...
Can you steal a guard's outfit?
EMRE: There's only one way to find out.
[AARON laughs like a seal]
EMRE: That's the chest that took that sword so many years ago.
And, look down--That's the knee that took all those arrows.
AARON: Yes, it is.
YEAH, uh, dude! You are *HAIRY*.
Look at you!
Do you think his girlfriend, like, takes his chest hair and sort of swishes it around--
And makes, like, designs with it?
This is the most perverted game, ever.
Or, are we just perverted because we're doing this? [Yes]
EMRE: We should start a Facebook poll.
AARON: See, look--Look at the building symbol, up at the top? It's even *shaped* like a dick.
All kinds of symbolism in this game.
EMRE: Hey, look! The door looks like a vagina!
AARON: Like a big, steel and wood vagina?
EMRE: YUP. That parts when you...shove your face into it.
Alright! Here we go! Time to create an orgy!
What?
AARON: AWWWWhhhh, I can't take it?!
EMRE: WHAAAT?!
That's SHIT!
AARON: She's doesn't have any clothes equipped...
EMRE: Son of a BITCH!
AARON: I bet you'd like it if Sybille was, uhh, a little less 'garbed'.
EMRE: I WOULD.
AARON: ARGHhhh! What is happening?!
Can't take any of these dudes clothes!
What about this jackass? NO.
EMRE: Aw, that's *LAME*!
AARON: Buncha lame-O's!
EMRE [needing to see more naked men]: You should undress all their guards.
[EMRE is slowly becoming LIL JON] WHAT?!
AARON: UGH! Nobody in this palace is undressable!
AARON [ever in denial]: What we're doing is more like, you know, if we had some Barbie dolls and like took all their clothes off...
EMRE: Yeah.
AARON: Except for their underwear.
EMRE: And, those people are like G.I. Joe's.
AARON: Exactly!
EMRE: Can't take the clothes off--even though we, we've always wanted to!
Ever since we were little kids!
AARON: EXACTLY.
EMRE [oddly specific]: See what Commander Cobra's...underwear looked like...
AARON: Yeah, cuz you wanna know! You wanna know. There's nothing weird or *perverse* about this. At all.
So, s-shut up.
♫
AARON: Okay, so, I'm here in Windhelm...to do the *optional*.
Not the *necessary*, the *optional*.
And, kill Nilsine Shatter-Shield.
EMRE: That's because you're an *OVERACHIEVER*.
AARON: I am.
EMRE: OOOOOOooooo--Master!
Ah!
You broke one.
AAH! You broke *TWO*.
AARON: OOoooohhh--
EMRE: AH! THREE!
AARON: They have--okay! Look at how many lockpicks I have.
EMRE: 99+...
AARON: Exactly.
EMRE: Only *losers* have 99+.
AARON: Every time I go to the lady that buys all the stolen goods--
EMRE: The Fence?
AARON: Yeah.
Emre: The Fence.
AARON: She doesn't have enough money to buy everything, so I have to like buy all her stuff--
And then sell her all the stolen things I bought.
So, that's why I have like, uhm...you know, 200 lockpicks.
EMRE [mocking AARON's hardship]: 'OH! YOU KNOW! I have SO MUCH money!'
'And I need MOAR then I have to *BUY THINGS* so that I can sell my *OTHER THINGS*!'
AARON: Exactly!
Cuz I don't want the things that I *have*, I want the *other things*.
EMRE: Ughh. *NORD* problems.
AARON: Uh, Lydia. Um, Hey...Lydia, look. Look down here, Lydia.
[addressing Lydia like the dog she is] Look it down heeeree, Lydia! There's a sack down heeere!
Check it oouut...
EMRE: Dude, she's not gonna listen to you. She's gonna say--
LYDIA: YER NOT SUPPOSED TO BEH IN HERE!
AARON: OOOOhhh, JESUS, Lydia! You're such a downer! *GAWDammIT*.
LYDIA: As you wish, my Thane.
AARON: YEAH. I'm your Thane. You shouldn't be fuckin' reprimanding me when I go in places I'm not supposed to go.
EMRE: You know what Lydia?! *YOU'RE* not supposed to be in there!
AARON: Yeah, but *I* can go wherever I want. Cuz I'm beautiful.
EMRE: Fuckin' VIP.
AARON AKA REGINA GEORGE: If you weren't so ugly, Lydia, maybe you could come in illegal places, too!
Take some beauty tips from ME, Lydia.
Ooooh, Nilsine...
I don't wanna do this...
Just kidding!
[NILSINE cries out for the last time in her sad, lonely life]
[AARON and EMRE shiver with sadistic glee] OOOOHHH! OOOhohohoooohohooo...
That is just...*mean*.
EMRE: You should shove her in an urn.
That way nobody will find her.
AARON: Yeah, and--Oh! There's a basket right here.
EMRE: There ya go.
AARON: Okay--Ugh!
[Weak Grunting Noises]
Get in there! Come on!
[AARON'S so feeble]
AARON: OOOhhh, oh! This is not working out!
EMRE: UHHHHM. Maybe you should put her on the ground, then put the basket on top of her.
AARON: Alright, come 'ere.
Come 'ere...
OOOhh, ohhh! I almost had her in there!
Oh, oh!
Okay.
Okay, you stay there.
Aaaaand...Imma put the basket...ooonn, come on...
EMRE: There you go!
AARON: JUSS ABOUT GOT IT!
AARON: UGHHH! CRAP.
Oh, yeah. I gotta leave my, uhhh, my t--my, my, my death token.
EMRE: Sweeeet.
AARON: There you go! I'm yer murderer! Hope this was a good time for you!
Hiding her just didn't really work, did it?
EMRE: NOOOooo but I think you could give it another shot, though. I mean--
A GRIZZLED VOICE, OFF-SCREEN: YER NOT SUPPOSED TA BE IN HERE!
[Cue the shock and laughter of a pair of pervy bois caught in the act]
AARON: WHAAAT?! WHO'S TALKING TO ME??
WITNESS: Dis is yer last warning! LEAVE. NOW.
AARON: OOOOHOHOO, SHIT!
EMRE: RUN!!
AARON: I GOTTA GIT OUTTA HERE!
EMRE: RUUUN!
♫
AARON: Oh, I have the key...
Where are youuuu...?
Muuuirrii?
Eheheh...
W-WHAT THE FFFUCK!
WHAT ARE YOU *DOING*??
She's trying to hide from me!
MUIRI THE BLAIR WITCH: Please. Take this. As payment and I symbol of my *affection*.
EMRE: OOOOooo!
AARON: *HELLOoooo*, what?
EMRE: Maybe *she'll* marry you.
AARON: My God, I think she's vying for my attention from Astrid.
She's a little bit friendlier than Astrid, too, actually.
MUIRI: Thank you again for resolving my...problem.
EMRE [pushing boundaries]: Aaaand, much less HOMELY.
AARON: Uuuuuh, did you *want* me to cut your balls off...?
And stick them up your nostrils?
MUIRI: Thank you again for resolving my...problem.
AARON: You're welcome. Can I have a kiss?
WHATTHEFUCK?! I just wanted a--
OhMahGawhd, I just wanted a kiss! And, I k-killed her!
LYDIA, DON'T BLOCK MY WAY! YOU JEALOUS, OLD HAG! COME ON!
Oh, no! Come back, come back!
MUIRI: Thank you again for resolving my...problem.
AARON: Yeah, gimme--UGH! My God, she's elusive!
♫
AARON: What's next? Oh, my God! Tell me I get to go back and talk to Astrid!
EMRE: YUP! TIME TO GO VISIT ASTRID!
AARON: HEEEEeeell, yesssss....
Astrid, you look tired--Are you okay?
EMRE: Ohh, man, that's not a good sign.
She still hasn't eaten your gift.
AARON [oblivious to his own creepdom]: GAWDammIT! Why do you refuse my attempts to woo you?!
ASTRID: Ahhh, you're back...
AARON: Yep.
ASTRID [practically moaning her words]: SOooo...
How went your first *real* contract?
AARON: UGHHGAHD. When she said 'so', I just about came.
ASTRID [sounding even MORE sexy]: NOOWWW...
I need your assistance with a matter of a more, mmm, *personal nature*...
AARON [hopes getting way too high]: DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE SAID?!
SHE NEEDS HELP WITH A *PERSONAL MATTER*!!
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!
AARON [quivering with anticipation]: What do you want me to *do*, Astrid...
...Hide in the Night Mother's coffin?
WHATTHEFUCK.
I'm not doing that!
EMRE: If you wanna impress her, you're gonna have to.
AARON [skin crawling]: Ohgaaawd...
So, to impress Astrid, I have to hide in the Night Mother's coffin...
WOW.
You are *sick*, Astrid. You're a sick, little monkey!
AARON [still seething with jealousy]: Arnbjorn's a fuckin' beef prostitute.
He's a fuckin', he...
What. The.
HELL is...
OhMAhGawd. This is *gross*.
I have to lock myself in here with *THIS*?
Dude.
I can't believe that *that* turns Astrid on.
[AARON heaves one final sigh of disgust]
EMRE: The *weirdest shit* apparently turns her on.
AARON: Why is Astrid making me do this...?
OOOhhh, GGHaawddd...
Uggghh...
[Somewhere a Freaky Clown is humming]
AARON [getting spooked]: Okay, who's singing...?
[More Humming, More Singing]
So, what is Cicero *DOING* that I can't see right now?
EMRE: Well. What do you think a clown WOULD do if he was locked in a room with a corpse?
GRANNY NIGHT MOTHER SPEAKS FROM THE DEPTHS: PooOOoor CIIiicERRooo....
AARON: Okay. What's goin' on here?
EMRE: I think Astrid' playing a prank on you.
AARON: I think this is all a big joke.
She's humiliating me in front of, like, the stupidest member of the Guild...
And, that's *HER* whispering. You know that's her whispering.
EMRE [going along with it]: Oh, yeah.
AARON: ASTRID! I can tell that's YOUUuuu...
NIIIce trrryy...
[CICERO continues to cum on himself outside of the coffin]
EMRE: You know, this *PROVES* that she likes you, though.
If she's willing to do this...?
AARON: Really?
EMRE: YEAH! Think about it.
AARON: She's being playful! She really does like me!
EMRE: YEAH! It's like in elementary school...
You know, when you liked a girl and you just *pushed* her FACE into the water fountain?
AARON: Or when you liked a girl aaand you locked her in your grandmother's coffin?
And then, spoke to her in a weird voice and pretend ed you were the grandmother?
And she freaked out and, like, killed herself?
[EMRE stews in silence, questioning their friendship]
Right?
That happened to you, didn't it?
OH, HEY! How's it goin', Cicero?
CICERO [shrieking like a sheep with rabies]: ESSSXXXPLAAaaaIINN YEEERRSeeeeLLFFF!!!!
AARON: What's your problem?
EMRE: Yeah. Maybe you should just play along, man. Play along with this shit.
AARON: Okay.
UUUHHHHH, Cicero?? The Night Mother spoke to me! She said UHHHH uhhhDAAhh, I'm the one.
CICERO: MOAR TREACHERY. More TRICKERY and DECEIT!
AARON: It's just a little joke by Astrid, actually. You don't really have to get worked up about it, dude.
UHHHH, wait, she said to tell you, UHHHHH--'DARKNESS RISZZES WHEN SILENCE DAIS'.
CICERO [suddenly calm]: She....She said *that*?
AARON: Yeah.
CICERO: She said *those words*...?
AARON: WEELLL, somethin' like that. I'm paraphrasing.
CICERO: DAAAaarkNUSSss RIZZees when SIIiilEENCE DAAAIiis?!
AARON: YEAH, it was somethin' like that! I don't remember!
Astrid!
ASTRID [with her boss lady voice]: BY SITHIS, THIS ENDS NOW!
AARON: It *was* her playing the prank! Look it--She just *pops* right out at the end, yeah right!
ASTRID, THAT WAS A GOOD JOKE! YER FUNNY!
I'm playing a little trick on Astrid to get her back for doing this to me.
EMRE: OOoooh, what're ya gonna do?
AARON: Well. This is the trick. I'm telling her that this--whatever this Night Mother is--I'm saying that, it spoke to me.
ASTRID: AND?
What did she say??
AARON [entirely innocuous]: She said, uhm, that I was supposed to find Astrid and that Astrid would help meee with...some sex.
OH! And, she said that I must speak to someone named Amaund Motierre in Volunruud.
But, you know, the *first* thing she said was that I need...
Astrid to lick youuu....in your privates.
EMRE: This has been the longest and most painful courting process I've ever experienced.
I'm really impressed that you're able to keep going with this.
AARON: Okay--
EMRE: I would have given up a long time ago.
AARON [ever in denial]: Okay, well, here's the thing. It's not a 'courting process'.
Um, I am a *pimp*.
And ultimately, my GOAL is to *dominate* Astrid and make her my *hoe*.
And then, sell her out to...you know, Bjorgalormz ooor whoever wants her.
EMRE: Yeaaah. You keep telling yourself that, buddy.
AARON: Hey, man! Whatcha drinkin'? WASSUP DUDE?
NAZIR: As it's turned out, I've got two new contracts...
AARON [entirely uninterested]: Ahh, that's good. Why can't *you* do these?
Tell me the story about HHHERN.
NAZIR: He's a vampire.
AARON: A vampire?
What if I accidentally fall in love with the vampire and we go out in the sun and he *SPARKLES*?
Tell me about Lubrrgk--[GAGS]. Excuse me, I just about vomited.
NAZIR: He is, by all accounts, the WORST bard in ALL of Skyrim.
EMRE: The WORST bard? He's like the Justin Bieber of Skyrim.
AARON: Oh, that's cool! Imma love killin' him!
I wish I could run up behind Justin Bieber, pickpocket his clothes off of 'em, and then stab 'em in the ass.
That's...
That's what I'd like to do.
EMRE: That's what *most* women want.
AARON: Oh! He's in Morthal. I don't think I've ever been to Morthal.
EMRE: OOOOO! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAY A VISIT TO BJORRRRLAAAM!!
AARON: OOOOOOoooooh, biiitchesss!
BJORLAM: Need a ride?
AARON: YEAAAAAH, BABEH! I NEED A RIIIIDE!
Bjorlam, you're kinda hot...
I never really noticed it before...
[BJORLAM desperately tries to keep things professional]
BJORLAM: My carriage is the safest way to travel...
AARON: Let's get up here, close and personal. Want to?
BJORLAM! You are a *maaaaan*!
YEEEEHEEHEHEAAAHH!
I like it!
BJORLAM:...Yes?
AARON: He doesn't have anything!
EMRE: Nothing?!
AARON: Just ALL man. And, you can't pickpocket *that*.
♫
AARON [singing, again]: ♫ Dennis MOOoore, Dennis MOOOree riding through the SNOooow ♫
♫ Dennis MOOoore, Dennis MOOoore lookin' for a hoeeee ♫
♫ He riiiides like a PPPiimp, Heeeee liiikes...to be a GIiiimp...♫
♫ Mister MOOooore, Miiister Mooore....Monty Python reeefereeence...♫
EMRE [with no patience for Monty Python]: OHMYGAWD. Just go in that fucking building and kill Justin Bieber already!
AARON [grumbling]: Alright, alright, alright, rightrightrightright--
LUUURBUkkk?
Hey, buddy! Aw! Dude!
What happened to your clothes??
That's just *weird*...
LURBUK [with a wretched tune]: IM IN DAH MOOOODDDD TEW SIIIIIIIIIIiiingggg!
AARON: Ooooh, my Gaaawhd...
No wonder they want this guy dead.
Well, you know what? Lurbuk?
I'm in the mood to MUUUURDDEEeeeer YYOOOUuuu!!
I'm getting pretty good at this.
Alright, whatever. I left my nightshade. I am *done*.
Nirnroot! Nirnroot alert!
AARON [embracing his inner bee]: BBBZZZZZ!!
Chicken! Chicken alert!
EMRE: DON'T DO IT!
AARON: Yeah, I know--
EMRE: DON'T DO IT, MAN!
AARON [laughing at his past follies]: Y-Yeah, I know what happens when you kill the chicken!
I know better than to do *THAT*!
Whole village gets in a fuckin' uproar and everyone murders everyone.
EMRE: Chickens are the *glue* that holds society together.
AARON: APPARENTLY.
♫
[AARON pleasantly humming to himself]
Oh, what's this?
Chopping some wood, are we?
Hellooooo?
OH, look out for that chicken! HOLYSHIT. Landmine!
EMRE: DUDE! You almost ran over that thing.
AARON: Landmine!
I wonder if I could kill chickens here and nobody would notice...?
EMRE: Give it a shot, dude. Might be your only chance.
AARON [tempting fate yet again]: HEY! HEY, YOU! YEAH, YOU!
No--I'm talking to *you*!
FUCK YOU! HA HA HA HA HAAAAA!!
EMRE: OHHOO, maaaaan...
I think you got away with it...
AARON: I don't see anybody...
EMRE: Sweeeet.
AARON: Awww, I don't wanna kill him in front of his wife. That would be kinda TRAUmatic.
EMRE AN ACTUAL PSYCHOPATH: You know what you should do? Kill his wife in front of *him*.
That's even better.
AARON: And then, kill *him*.
EMRE: YEAAAh!
AARON: Alright.
AARON: Hey! Hert! That's weeiird. Your clothes just *disappeared*! Ha! Ha! Ha!
[HERT lets out one last, nagging whine before perishing with a surprised HERN]
[The Giggling Glee of Murderers]
AARON: Hern was like, 'Awhh maaaahn!'
So, I've become like this...horrible, horrible person.
I, I steal people's clothes off their backs while they're eating their dinner...
And then I stab 'em, and kill 'em.
EMRE: This is what love does to a man.
Slash woman.
♫
AARON [with shock]: L-LURBUK IZ DEAD!
[unfeeling] Lurbuk is deaaad...
[quickly] LURBUKIZDEAD.
Trying out different ways that I could report that to Nazir.
EMRE [as a game show host]: LUUUUURBUUUUK ISSSS DEAAAAAAAAD!
AARON: That's--That's how I would have said it. That's good.
Okay. Let's try, 'Hern is dead'.
EMRE FROM THE PRICE IS RIGHT: HEEEEEEERRRRRN IS DEAAAAAAAADD!
AARON: COME ONNNN DOWWWWWN!
Okay. So, is this what I gotta do next?
Speak with Amaund Motierre?
EMRE: Yeah.
This is all just part of Astrid's, you know, elaborate hoax...playing on you.
This started with her telling you to go in the Night Mother's coffin and now, you know Night Mother said go talk to Amaund Motierre...
You just gotta play along with it, you know? Women like to play *games* like this.
AARON: Yeah, I mean, this is *reaaaally* like the longest *game* I've ever played...
EMRE: It'll be worth it. It'll be *worth it*.
Just look at that. *THIS* is what you're going for, man.
AARON: Is this really all gonna be worth it, Astrid?
How much longer do I have to keep up with the--
ASTRID: Sister??
AARON: ...*pretense*?
OKAY. She's REALLY...She's really being cruel now.
AARON [with contempt]: 'SISTER'.
ASTRID: Need something?
AARON [steadily becoming more agitated]: SISTERRR.
'YEW need something SISTeerrr??'
'Yer mah SISTERRRR. I would NEEEVERRR, evEERR touch yer body and caress yer CUUURVESS...'
'And lick yer...'
'...CHEST!'
AARON [using EMRE as his personal therapist yet again]: Moments with Astrid are just becoming really routine, you know?
It's like I know what she's gonna *do*, and there's never anything FRESH.
Ever since that practical joke, I just feel like things have gotten stale.
EMRE: Do you wanna get some tips on what you should do here?
You need to, you need to *insult* her and bring her down. THAT WAY she'll feel like she wants to impress YOU.
AARON [gullible]: Okay.
EMRE: Instead of the other way around.
AARON: Yeah! So, I should be more *manipulative*...
EMRE: YES.
AARON: AAAaand, like, mean to her.
EMRE: Yeah, absolutely.
AARON: Cool! Is this what's called 'Mind Games'?
EMRE: This is called *LOVE*.
AARON [not as excited]: Oh...
♫
AARON: HEEEELLLOOO, ANYBODY HOOOMEE?
HEEELLLOOO???
Excuse me! I'm looking for Amaund Motierre!
[GUTTURAL UNDEAD GROWLS]
Have you seen 'em?
You? Have you seen Amaund Motierre??
Yeah! I am a fuckin' PIMP when I am out fighting people! That's for sure!
When it comes to the ladies, I might be a wussbag--but, check this Draugr out!
I toasted the living *SHIT LIGHTS* outta 'em!
I bet you never toasted no shit lights, Emre.
[GTA Random Citizen: Yeeeeaaah! BOI, BOI! HaHa! DOPE!]
