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I was on a flight this one time, okay?
And I'm sitting at the back of the plane and
we're waiting for people to board,
and this group of 40 people got on
at the same time.
They were traveling together.
Now I could tell that
they were first times flyers.
You can tell if
somebody's a first time flyer,
just by how smug you feel
when you look at them.
So, they took a while to settle down
they got their seatbelts on
we were ready to take off.
And I've taken a few flights in my life,
but I was not prepared,
for what was about to happen,
because as soon as the plane took off,
one guy from that group of 40,
quietly says,
"GANPATI BAPPA"
and then 40 people at the same time go,
"MORYAA"
and then they all started clapping
as if to suggest
that Ganpati picked up the plane,
and tossed it into the sky.
And in that moment I felt really bad,
for science.
And I remember thinking to myself,
"If this plane were to crash right now,"
"It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world."
I know I was on that flight
but I would take one for the team.
As long as science was winning.
And to just piss people off
just as the plane was about to crash,
I would yell out,
"JESUS CHRIST!"
You know this experience
got me thinking,
and let me know if you agree,
You shouldn’t yell out
any religious
chant
once a plane is in the air.
Even if you're a majority.
Can you imagine, what if
the pilots heard this?
They're in the cockpit
"Alright captain, we're clear for take off?"
"We're clear for take off."
”Let's do this.”
"What the fuck! Did you hear that?"
"It sounds like
somebody yelled out”
”Ganpati Bappa Morya"
“Shit! We’re being hijacked!”
A routine flight from
Bombay to Delhi would’ve
turned into the first
Hindu terror hijack.
'Hindu terror hijack' is also a
great name
for a Sufi band.
You know when this incident
took place,
I was honestly a little offended
because
when this guy yelled out
"Ganpati Bappa Morya"
Nobody outside that group of 40 reacted.
Nobody even flinched.
Like this is some new thing
we've all started doing.
There are Muslims
out there who have
to pretend they’re not religious
every time they take a flight.
The least we can do is not
rub it in their faces.
Now that I’ve offended three major religions,
we can start the show.
Now,
I understand that some of you
have watched my work before
on YouTube
Am I correct?
Yes?
Yes
If you have, I just want to let you know
that this show is very different
from what you've previously see me do
There is no social commentary
because the world is fucked
and I don't care anymore.
I think we should all just
 embrace our privilege
and survive the BJP.
So this show is very personal.
It's about the last 8 years of my life
in a way that you could possibly relate to.
So what I do is I go back to
different points in those last 8 years
and I start off with 2016,
because that's when I got news
that really changed things for me.
I got diagnosed with anxiety disorder.
Yeah, you should try it.
Now, clap your hands if you've
ever had to deal with a mental illness
anxiety or depression?
You know the Indian
Comedy scene has evolved
when we've moved from saying stuff like,
"Clap your hands if you're Gujarati"
to, "Clap your hands if you
 have a mental illness."
We've come a long way.
And the thing is that I didn’t
know much about mental illness.
Like I knew it existed but
I was very ignorant about it.
People would say stuff to me,
“Oh he’s depressed”
and I’d be like,
“Why, is his WiFi not working?”
It's pretty close, right?
I didn't understand. I was damn ignorant.
Then, I got diagnosed.
To be really honest, when I got the news,
part of me was kind of happy,
because now
I finally have a thing.
Do you know how hard it is
to socialize these days?
Everybody has a thing.
You know what I mean, right?
A quirk that they all are bonding over.
I have never had a thing.
I used to always feel left out.
Yeah, it's hard being perfect!
You know what I mean, right?
You go to a party, you meet people.
They're like,
“Hi. I’m allergic to shell fish,”
”please don’t give me shell fish"
and you’re like,
“This is my friend, he’s allergic to shell fish,
"don’t give him any shell fish.”
Or you’ll meet somebody
else and they’ll be like,
“Oh, I have vertigo, I’m afraid of heights.”
“This is my friend, she has vertigo,
she’s afraid of heights.”
Or you’ll meet someone else and they’ll be like,
"Hi. I'm vegan!"
and you just go,
“This person is”
”not my friend."
The thing is
I had to figure out what
was going on with me, okay?
Because this is not an illness
where you just pop a couple of pills
and you’re okay in a week, you know.
This thing stays with you, alright?
So, I had to do lot of reading up
and spoke to a lot of professionals.
And it turns out that
besides a lot of external factors in your life,
it mostly has to
do with Serotonin.
Serotonin is a 9 letter word
which when played in scrabble is
a guaranteed triple word score.
Scrabble is a game
played by people
who know how to spell
but just want to show off.
Now, serotonin is also a chemical
that is produced by your body, alright.
And this chemical is
responsible for regulating
your moods and your emotions,
so if your serotonin levels are healthy
then your brain is healthy and
your mind is your best friend.
But, if your serotonin
levels are messed up,
then you could end up
having a mental illness like
anxiety or depression,
and then your mind
becomes your worst enemy.
And trust me when I say this,
nothing is scarier
than having to fight your own mind.
When you have a mental illness,
every single day is a battle.
On some days I love my life,
and on others I just can’t get out of bed.
I shut down emotionally.
Worry about things that
are not likely to happen
I'm tortured and paralyzed
 by my own thoughts
It's like you know how to swim
yet you’re drowning
but you don't die.
Yeah.
Like,
regular stuff that you
guys take for granted
is so difficult for us to do.
I'll give you an example.
You guys like ice-cream?
Everybody likes ice-cream.
Have you noticed when you
decide to do something,
you always have a quick
chat with your mind?
If you're a healthy
person, you'd just go,
"Hey mind, look! Ice-cream"
"Let's get some ice-cream"
"Good idea"
Here’s how the exact same
conversation plays out with me
"Hey mind, look! Ice-cream"
"Let's get some ice-cream"
“You’re gonna die!”
“What?”
“You know those terminal
illnesses you've heard about?"
"You have them.”
“All of them?”
"I just want ice-cream.”
And it's because of thoughts like these,
I spent a better part of 2016
convinced that I was going to die
Not eventually
like you guys,
in Bombay,
but soon.
That scared the shit out of me
so I didn’t know what to do,
so I would keep going to
this one particular hospital
and I would do random medical tests
because WebMD.
The tests would always come back negative
because there was nothing wrong with me
but my mind refused to accept
it so I would keep going back
again and again
until the hospital
staff were finally convinced
that their equipment was faulty.
They were like, "He has something.”
”We just don’t know how to find it.”
"Science has not evolved that far.”
"Ganpati bappa!"
The thoughts wouldn't go away
Wake up in the morning,
the first thing I would hear
is a voice telling me
that I was going to die.
Every single day.
And I didn't know what to do
and then I found out
that there are these people
who have studied the human mind
and they're trained to deal with mental illness.
They have strange names
I keep forgetting and
I write them down.
They’re called psychiatrists
and psychologists.
Have you head of these
magical people from Narnia?
See I figured,
if you have an illness of the mind
you should go to
a doctor of the mind.
So, I went into therapy.
And it was very helpful.
It was so helpful I now
recommend therapy to everyone.
Even if there is nothing wrong
with you, go for therapy.
Think about this, therapy is
a brilliant social construct.
You're sitting across a total stranger,
telling them your deepest, darkest secrets
and then paying them a lot of money,
to keep those secrets.
This would’ve been
so much simpler
if our friends
were easy to trust.
Most therapy is expensive.
I remember the first time I called
up a clinic to book an appointment
and they told me how much it would cost,
I was like, “I feel better already.”
First session was free.
But after being in therapy for a
while, I've come to realize that
besides the counseling sessions,
literally anything that makes you happy in life,
counts as therapy.
Anything.
I know what you're thinking my friend.
Anything.
What's your name buddy?
Kshitij
Kshitij
I know what you're thinking.
You're visualising this scene
where your mom is banging on the door,
"Kshitij, why is the door locked?"
"Mumma, therapy!"
If that's what you are thinking
Kshitij, you are correct.
Video games are therapeutic.
Here's what I don't understand
I don’t understand why there’s
so much of stigma around therapy.
You tell somebody you’re going to see
a therapist, you hear those words,
we probably said it ourselves
"He's crazy!"
"He's crazy!"
And I’m like dude if you have a mental illness
and you don’t go to a therapist,
then you are crazy.
Just think about this,
we will willingly get
any other part of our body examined,
but not our minds.
Like Kshitij, if you had piles,
you know what I mean.
Don't laugh it could
happen to you as well.
Like you've put M-Seal
(sealant) down there.
Kshitj, if you had piles, you know what I mean
right? You would willingly go to a doctor,
pull down your pants and stick your ass into his face,
but you won't go to a therapist.
Which is why, now in an attempt to
remove some of the stigma around therapy,
I’m trying to make therapy
seem like a cool thing to do.
So whenever I go to therapy,
I brag about it.
People ask me where I was,
I'm like, "I was in therapy, bitch"
"The fuck were you doing?"
I swear I have started making my
friends feel bad
for being normal.
I'm like, "You don't go to a therapist?"
"You don't have a mental illness?"
"Chi! What is wrong with you?"
"It's 2019. It's trending"
"No no no no. You can't
hang out with us"
"We're all crazy"
So the thing is when
you get news like this,
you have to process it on two levels:
1. Internally, where you have to
come to terms with the fact that you
have a condition like this that’s
going to be around for a very long time,
and that takes a while.
And then you have to deal with it externally.
And it’s slightly harder
to deal with externally
because we live in a
world where there are
other people!
How many of you,
by round of applause,
are at that stage of your life,
where you walk into a room and you go
*gasp*
"Other people!"
"Homo sapiens!"
"Inhaling and exhaling!"
"Voting for BJP.”
And other people don’t understand what
it’s like to have a mental illness
and it’s not entirely their
fault, for two reasons
1. I think we gave the
illness the wrong name.
I think ‘anxiety’ and ‘depression’ does
not fully communicate what goes on with us
mostly because of the word association.
Like if I say anxiety, you think anxious,
or if I say depression, you think sad.
That is not what this is.
If I were to personify mental
illness, I would say
that anxiety and depression
are the offspring
of Cersei Lannister
and that clown from IT.
You know what I'm talking about.
Can you imagine, what if
Cersei and that clown had kids?
And what if those kids
lived inside your head?
That's exactly what it is like.
Another reason why people don't understand
what it's like to have a mental illness
is because there is no physical
manifestation of the illness.
If you have jaundice,
your skin turns yellow.
Or if you get chicken pox,
you get marks all over your body,
or if you’re a misogynist and a bigot,
the Prime Minister of the
country follows you on Twitter.
We don’t have that.
And then it gets even harder,
to deal with other people
because we also live in a world
where everybody wants to know
"What's the plan guys?"
"What's the scene?"
Do you realise this
is the generation
that has made the most plans?
Think about this,
we are always making plans.
You wake up in the morning and there
are 3 WhatsApp groups just for plans.
Somebody’s birthday,
Somebody’s getting married,
Kshitij has piles.
PLANS!
And I'm very socially awkward,
I don’t like feeling left out of stuff
so whenever I get invited to something,
I always say, yes
and then at the last minute,
I cancel.
I don't know.
How many of you feel the same way?
In my thirties,
I find that cancelling a plan
is just as fulfilling as actually going out.
It's the same level of enjoyment.
And you don’t even have to go
through all the trouble of getting ready.
You can cancel a plan
even when you’re naked.
Isn't that amazing?
But then when you cancel a plan you have
to then have that awkward conversation
with your friend.
It's not always pleasant, is it?
I remember this one time I
was supposed to meet a friend
and I ended up having
an anxiety attack.
When you have one of those,
you fall down a mental rabbit hole.
You can't function.
So I had to call her up and
tell her that I can't make it.
And she said something to
me, you should never say
to someone with a mental illness.
I called her up and I went, "Listen!"
"I can't make it tonight,
just had an anxiety attack."
"Can't step out."
And she said,
"Stop this drama ya!"
"Its all in your head!"
Now unless your brain
is located in any other part of your body,
any mental illness, is all in the head.
Nobody has every said,
“That lung cancer,"
"is all in the lung!”
I don't know what it is, it's like
everyone has a certain bunch of friends
whose only job is to say stupid shit.
Like I have another friend of
mine, she also has anxiety
disorder, because more
than one person can have it,
and one of her friends
called her up once and went,
"Hey! How's it going with
that anxiety thing ya?"
I'm like, what the fuck! Do you
think this is a relationship?
See
when we cancel a plan with you
don't take it personally.
It’s not about you.
It’s about us.
Sometimes it’s about you.
Mostly it's about us.
We want to be normal.
We want to do things like you do,
but sometimes the mind
just does not cooperate.
I remember this one time
I was getting ready to go
meet some friends of mine,
and I ended up trying on 16 shirts.
16 shirts!
Because every time I
wore a shirt and looked
into the mirror, my mind convinced
me that I wasn’t looking good.
I didn’t know I had 16 shirts.
Halfway through I was
like, when did I buy this?
It just got very overwhelming
so I took my clothes off
and cancelled the plan.
You really wont understand what
it's like to have a mental illness,
until it creeps up on you from behind,
grabs you by the neck and never lets you go.
When I got diagnosed in 2016
my mind would fixate on one particular fear,
and then drive me crazy
every single day.
Today, the fear manifests itself first
then looks for things to worry about.
So I just spend my entire
time dodging my own mind.
It's easy to win a battle when
the enemy is on the outside.
You can see them.
They have distinguishing features.
But what if the enemy looks like you?
What if the enemy is you?
Sometimes my anxiety gets so bad,
I have to plug in earphones
and turn on the music really
loud just so I can drown
out the voices in my head.
And
it’s kinda funny because these voices
are saying really dark and nasty things,
and suddenly they’re
force to do karaoke.
"You're gonna die.."
*Sings popular Punjabi song about suits*
"What the fuck are you listening to?"
“If you mess with me again,"
"I’ll play that selfie song!”
A common side effect of mental illness,
is suicide.
Sorry, side effect is the wrong word.
I meant consequence.
Consequence is more apt.
It’s not like you get
diagnosed and the doctor goes,
“You have depression."
"Lock the windows. Dismantle the fan.”
That's not what I meant.
What I meant to say was that,
if you don’t treat mental
illness correctly,
then the person with the illness
could commit suicide.
And this is something we read about in
the news very often these days, don't we?
But it's always when a famous person does it,
which again gives people the impression,
"Yeah, this could never happen to me.
These rich people,"
"Always doing drugs."
This is actually not true.
Literally anyone with a mental
illness could commit suicide,
but nobody wants to read
a headline that says,
“Pravin Tambe committed suicide"
"because of depression”
And I remember whenever
I used to read these
news headlines I used
to get very judgmental.
“Look at these celebrities. They're so rich!"
"They’re so successful, they have everything.
And they’re still killing themselves!"
"Ungrateful cowards!”
and then I got diagnosed and I was like,
“Oh!"
"I see!”
Apparently mental illness
does not give a fuck about
how much money you have
or how successful you are.
So what’s the point of working so hard then?
So then I stopped judging, because
now I understand. I'm on the same side.
These people. they don’t kill themselves
because they’re ungrateful.
They don’t commit suicide
because they’re cowards.
It takes a lot of guts to do it.
They don't want to die.
They just want whatever's going on in here
to stop.
And they will do whatever
it takes to get there.
It’s a very twisted form
of self-preservation.
It's kinda like how you guys eat ice-cream
as comfort food when you’re feeling low
to feel better.
That's exactly what
suicide feels like for us.
Suicide is ice-cream for
people with mental illness.
Now in order to make that joke work,
what I thought I’d do is
I'll distribute ice-cream
at the start of the show,
and then do this bit,
just to see the look on everybody’s faces.
"Kshitij, you eat it. I don’t want...."
In case you’re wondering,
the answer to your question is, yes.
I have thought about my own suicide.
Yeah because comedy shows
happen in the night,
I have a lot of free time during the day.
What are you gonna do?
Let me give you a glimpse into a day
in my life before I got diagnosed.
I would wake up at 8 o’clock,
and then go back to sleep, because I can.
And then I would wake up at 10,
feed my cats,
have breakfast,
read the news,
cook some food,
have lunch
and at 3 o’clock I would watch
F.R.I.E.N.D.S. on Comedy Central.
And at 3.30 I'd be like,
"This has been a very stressful day."
Now, with the illness, it is all of that,
plus I spend an additional 6
hours a day just doubting myself,
constantly beating my self
up, trying to convince
myself that I'm never
gonna make it in life.
There are a lot of things
I didn't know
about this business.
There are lot of things
you guys don’t understand.
For instance,
when a gig gets over
and the audience leaves,
and the lights go out,
comedy is a very dark place!
There are a lot of people
that we have to deal with,
mostly on the internet.
And they're filled with so
much of hate and insecurity,
and for some reason they feel the
need to project that on to us.
Other comedians will bitch about
you and they can’t wait for you to fail.
People you work with
in show business will
stab you in the back
without thinking twice.
They forget that off stage and behind
the Twitter handle is a real human being.
You’ve seen how people talk to each
other on the internet, haven't you?
Very polite and articulate.
I remember this one time
somebody commented on one
of the episodes of my
podcast and he wrote,
“Fix the audio cunt face”
It was a very confusing comment.
Because first of all,
whose vagina looks like this?
And if it does,
lucky you.
Stop looking downstairs now.
Show's up here!
But after the confusion
died down I realised,
that this guy was not
angry about the audio.
This was a cry for help.
Just think about this, how many
things have to go wrong in your life
for you to get to a stage where you
speak to total strangers like this?
People in this room,
you would never do something like that.
I realised this is a cry for help,
somebody needs to reach out to
this guy and say something
to him so that he feels better.
So I replied,
I was like, “Hey man"
"Just because your dad spoke to your
mom the same way before leaving her,"
"doesn’t mean you speak like that to me."
"Let’s have some manners here.
This is not your house, this is the internet!”
Enter!
You guys are on my side, right?
Just checking.
See I have a simple rule, okay?
Don’t say something to somebody
on the internet that you don’t
have the balls to say to them in real life.
Is that fair?
It's because people like
these, they don’t understand
what it takes to be so
vulnerable with your craft
and put yourself out there
for the whole world to judge.
I mean think about what you do for a living.
Now imagine what if everybody
with access to the internet
on this planet
could see your work,
anytime they wanted.
And what if they could
then comment on your work,
even if they weren't experts in your field.
And suddenly you're waking
up at 3 in the morning,
with a notification on
your phone that says
"You're a dumbass!"
And I get that this is something that
comes with the territory of what we do.
I'm okay with that.
Which is why I also say,
that if you like an artist's work,
whoever it is, an actor,
a comedian or a musician
let them know.
Let them know, because there are
enough assholes out there who think
their only job in life is to
bring us down a notch or two.
Why?
Because we have the guts
to do what they can’t?
And let me say this okay,
we don’t do this for money or fame.
We do this, because it’s the only
thing that makes us feel alive.
And the money is pretty amazing.
But sometimes when I think
about this thing that I love
doing in the world that I have
to do it in, I’ll be really honest
I have thought about killing myself.
I’ve come really close a couple of times.
This one time I was feeling suicidal
and I told a friend of mine,
she actually gave me suggestions
as to how I could do it.
Yeah. She’s a very encouraging type.
You know everybody has that one friend,
very supportive,
believes in you no matter what?
She's that friend.
Years ago I told her,
“I want to try stand-up.”
She's like,
“You’re very funny.
Just go for it, you’ll do really well.”
“I want to kill myself!”
“Who better than you?”
So she was of the opinion that I should
make my suicide grand and spectacular,
so
she suggested that I
jump out of an airplane,
without a parachute,
while the plane is in the air.
Otherwise that would be a
really bad YouTube video.
I'd get another comment,
“Let the plane
take off cunt face!”
I thought about it for
a while and I realized,
that jumping out of an airplane without
a parachute is not grand and spectacular,
unless the jumping is preceded by
"GANPATI BAPPA!"
So I said,
"No, I don't wanna do that"
But she's like, "Okay that's fine."
"I have an entire list."
then she pulls out a list of
ways that I could kill myself
and #2 on the list is cyanide.
She's like, “Have cynaide.
It's really quick”
I'm like, “What’s your hurry?”
That’s when I realized
this girl would not be
giving me so many suggestions,
if I owed her some money.
That’s when I learned
an important lesson,
if you want your friends to
prevent you from killing yourself,
borrow money from them.
Even if you don’t need it,
borrow money from 5 different
people, keep it inside a safe,
that is real life insurance.
See
I don’t want to jump out of
an airplane or a building
or any height because
that’s a very violent death,
probably very painful as well.
I don’t want the scene
of my death to be a mess.
I don’t want people
gathering around me going,
“Whoa!!! How did this happen???”
and then they have to collect all my parts
"Give that here!"
“Is this yours or his?"
"It’s very big, must be his.
Keep it back!”
Ego
I want to have an open casket funeral,
which is why I've
decided to take
a more mature and responsible
approach to my suicide -
drug overdose.
I figured I’d go out on a high.
And I don’t want to have
my funeral inside a church,
it is very 2005.
Everybody's doing it.
The same thing.
I want to have my funeral
inside a comedy club,
We’ll sell tickets online.
We'll be sold out obviously.
And you can come for my funeral.
You’ll be seated exactly like this,
except I won't be standing here
because I'm dead.
But there will be a
casket, I'll be inside it
I’ll be wearing a suit,
it'll be open, my hair will be done.
Obviously.
And then if you want you
can come up on stage and
pay your last respects.
You could say something as well.
But say something nice.
Don’t be mean, I might wake up!
And then once you’re done,
get your phone out,
and take one last selfie.
One last selfie before
they put me in the ground.
And then as you’re leaving,
to make you feel better,
somebody at the door
will give you ice-cream.
Now I know that I may have
ruined ice-cream for some of you.
If I have, then good.
Because now every time you eat
ice-cream, I want you to remember
that somebody out there, somebody you
know, might be having a hard time.
So stay the fuck away from them.
And I can see the look
on your faces right now.
You know, this awkward
tension that you're feeling
because of what I've just said?
I love it!
You don't know what to do with this.
This was not the comedy
show you were expecting.
You’re going to go home,
think about this show,
probably gonna post
on social media,
"Oh my God!"
“I think I just attended
Daniel Fernandes’ last show!”
What if you’re right?
And if some of you are getting
triggered by what I've just said,
I want to let you know that I
don’t endorse suicide, okay?
I'm not the brand ambassador.
They haven't asked me yet.
I'm just saying that
this is how I feel.
It is okay to feel suicidal.
It's a very human thing.
It's the same thing,
you know when you wake up in
the morning and you don’t
feel like going to work?
It’s the same thing,
but with life.
So don’t go around saying,
“Danny’s said it so I’m going to do it too”
Don't do that guys.
Plagiarism is not cool.
You know, when I wrote this part of
the show about a year and a half ago
I thought that I would tie this bit up
with
a happy ending about how
I overcame my illness
and beat it
and I won.
But that hasn't happened.
Which is why some of my friends asked me,
“Then why are you talking about this?”
And I think the reason why I’m talking
about my mental illness in my standup
is because I feel that if I do this,
then maybe I won’t feel so alone.
And if there are other people in the audience
who are going through the same thing,
then maybe they won’t
feel alone either.
Because there’s a certain
comfort in your suffering,
when you realize
that you’re not the only one
being fucked.
You remember when we were in
school, and you had a test,
and you didn’t study for the test?
You knew you were going to fail.
You felt really bad, didn't you?
But then you met somebody else,
who also didn’t study for the test,
and suddenly your day became brighter.
You're like “I didn’t study for the test”
“I didn’t study either bro”
and then he passes the test.
So basically what I'm trying to say
is that some of you will die before me,
and that thought gives me a lot of comfort.
So thank you.
Piles doesn't kill
people, from what I know.
Do you guys feel
that, growing up
you had certain plans in life
like you thought you'd be doing
certain things by a certain age
and that hasn't happened?
Yeah?
All of you do, right?
Like nobody ever goes,
"No, no. Everything always worked out!"
"I have an Excel list."
Check
Done.
It never happened.
All of us thought our life would go a
certain way but it didn't work out.
And one of the things, I thought
that I'd do by this age
is I thought I'd be a parent.
And then 3 years ago,
I found out
that before you become a
parent to your future kids,
you have to become a
parent to your parents.
Did you know this?
I found out 3 years ago.
We were on a holiday in Singapore,
I was with my family and
we were walking down Orchard street and
I was leading the way because I
knew where we had to go, right?
And at some point,
I turned around to see where
the rest of my family was,
and my mum and dad were lagging behind.
They were like, “Son wait!"
"Don’t walk so fast."
And that’s when it hit me.
I was like, shit!
My parents have become old.
They've aged.
Mortality has a strange way
of reminding you it exists.
Because as kids you always have
this image of your parents, right?
They are young and they are strong,
and nothing could ever happened to them.
But as you get older,
that image starts to fade
as you watch them
crumble before your eyes.
And it took me back
in time to when I was
a child and we would
go on family holidays,
my dad was the one leading the way
because he knew where everything was.
I was the one lagging behind.
I was the one going,
“Dad wait! Don't walk so fast. I'm coming.”
And my dad would very
lovingly look at my mom
and say,
“What the fuck is wrong with this kid?"
"How difficult is it?"
"to put one foot"
"in front of the other,"
"quickly?"
"SELL HIM!”
Now years later, I'm all grown up
and I'm taking care of them.
We go out, I ask them
what they want to eat
and I pay for stuff.
And it took me a while to
get used to this, okay?
But, I've realised something.
I realized that out of
all the things you could do
after you grow up,
one of the best things you
 can do with your life
is take care of your parents.
And if you are not doing
that, you must do it.
You must
take care of your parents
not because it’s the right thing to do,
but because when you become
a parent to your parents
your life will be full of comedy.
It's the funniest shit ever.
Let me give you an example, okay?
You remember when we were kids
and we wanted something,
we just asked for it?
You didn’t care about
where it came from,
how much it cost or what it
took to get it, right?
You wanted something, you asked for it.
When you become a
parent to your parents,
they will do the same thing to you,
except when they ask for
stuff, they will
factor in inflation.
And no matter what
their background is,
their calculations are always correct.
Like I remember, when I was a child,
I would ask for really frivolous stuff.
I would be like,
“Mum give me money for chocolate.”
“Give me money for Pepsi.”
This wasn’t Pepsi Cola,
this was that frozen popsicle
that came in that plastic tube
that you bit into and went
You remember that?
Audience: "Yes"
Like, in the 90s, that's all we did.
There are people today in the West,
who are wondering why Indians
are such good kissers.
They have no idea we’ve been
practicing since childhood.
They think it’s the Kamasutra.
No bitch, it's Pepsi!
That’s all we did.
And there would always be this
one asshole friend
who would go,
“This is sewage water”
Do you guys realise that
“This is sewage water”
is the first fake news in India?
Think about this.
There was no WhatsApp back then.
We've never met prior to today.
We've all probably grown up in
different parts of this city
or the country,
yet, collectively we've all had the exact
same experience.
How is that possible?
I have a theory.
I think that many many years ago,
there was this one parent,
probably from Gujarat,
who didn't want his child to have Pepsi.
So, he said,
"This is sewage water”
So, the child said,
"Alright,"
"let me make some tea."
And then that child told his friend
Amit
and Amit told
his friend
and his friend
and his friend
and that's how it spread
across the country.
And if you think about it,
they weren't too far off,
because in 2019,
the colour of sewage water
is orange.
So yea, that's the kind of stuff,
I would ask for, you know?
Chocolates and Pepsi.
But my mum takes it to a whole new level.
This one time I was sitting with her.
She was like,
"Dan,”
"I want a fully automatic washing machine."
I was like,
“But we have a fully
functional semi-automatic”
"washing machine,
what’s wrong with that?”
She was like, "No, no. The thing is...”
"all my neighbours have a fully”
"automatic washing machine.”
So I just went
“If your neighbours jump inside a well…”
"Oh my God! I have turned into you!!!”
I just got her a fully automatic
washing machine.
That's how you find out.
Then a few months later,
I was with my dad and my dad asked
"Son, I want an HD TV.”
And I’m really happy
that I’m fortunate enough
to not be one of those parents
who has to make up a story
because they can’t give
their child something.
You know we've all been there?
I’m glad that when my dad
asked me for an HD TV
I didn’t have to go,
“HD TV?”
"Why do you need an HD TV?”
"When I was a child,”
"I didn’t have HD TV”
"I just used my imagination”
Just got him an HD TV.
And it's stuff like these that
remind me that my parents
have now become my children.
And there's this other thing
that they've started doing.
I'm sure you've probably seen
this with your parents as well.
Have you ever noticed your parents
arguing
for no reason?
Yeah?
They are no upset about something,
they just argue
because there’s nothing else to do.
Right?
Your parents do that, right?
There’s only so much sex they can have!
Come on.
Are you thinking about your
parents having sex right now?
I mean,
statistically,
there are enough people in here
to say that some of your parents
are having sex right now
while you are at the show.
I love how when you describe or talk about
something like this
it makes you very awkward, doesn't it?
This happens only with Indian kids.
Because all Indian kids are like,
"No, no. My parents don't have sex"
"Just once!"
"Then they stopped."
And in the off chance
that some of you
are progressive enough
to admit that, yeah your parents
do have sex.
Even you guys,
think that they do it in just one position,
Missionary.
Like, not one of you
maybe thought about
the fact that
your mum likes it doggy style.
So dad just bends her over
and lifts her leg up and lets her have it,
like, you know?
Some of them are here with their parents,
just think about that
for a second.
Like,
think about how awkward
dinner's going to be tonight.
Like, "Son, what's wrong?"
"No mummy. I have a headache."
"Don't lie. I know you're faking it."
So my parents do that a lot and
they argue for no reason at all.
And this one time, when I was visiting.
They live in Goa
and I was visiting.
They started arguing in front of
me for no reason,
I was trying to get some work done.
It was just bothering me, you know?
So, I just like
switched to parent
mode and I was like,
"Mum, Dad just stop this argument.”
"Okay?”
"Stop arguing!”
"This makes no sense.”
"Stop it!”
"Dad, go to your room!”
"Mom…go to the same room!”
Then my dad turned out and went, "Eyy..."
“This is still our house!”
"You go to your room.”
"And if you don’t like it,”
"go to Pakistan!”
"I told you to sell him!”
As you can tell, I was raised in India.
I assume everybody else
over here, raised in India, yes?
If you were raised in India, as a child,
all of you were asked
this one question.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Seemingly harmless question at first,
but then over the years,
people will ask you this question over
and over and over again
till you get to a stage where
you just start hating people
and questions.
It was very weird because
I could never answer this question,
I didn't know how to respond, right?
My friends would go for the usual stereotypes;
they would go,
Doctor,
Lawyer,
Drug dealer.
Yeah, I grew up in Goa.
And they became all of those things.
But I could never respond to this question,
I didn't know how
to respond.
Because as a child,
I had very weird theories.
You know, as children sometimes you have
theories about life that only you believe?
One of the theories I had
as a child was
I believed that your profession
was coded in your DNA.
You didn't get to choose
what you wanted to be,
it was a part of your DNA.
That's because, I grew
up watching a lot of
National Geographic and Animal Planet,
whenever my parents were at home.
So, you've all seen these
documentaries, right?
A Deer gives birth to a Fawn
and within a few seconds,
the Fawn is ready to face the world.
How does a Fawn know that when
it sees a Lion,
it is not supposed to go,
“Hey bro, what’s up?”
How does that Fawn know
when it sees a Lion,
it is supposed to go,
“Run motherfucker!!!”
That's because everything that it
is required for it to be a Deer
is in its DNA.
Similarly, I thought your
profession was coded in your DNA.
You became a Doctor because
it was in your DNA.
You become a Lawyer because
it was in your DNA.
You become a Drug dealer,
because it was in your blood.
So, I grew up very confused
because I didn't have that
answer, you know?
And I always thought something
was wrong with me.
And then, years later
turns out, something is wrong with me.
Okay, not something,
many things.
And the thing is
that I know that I've
already shared a lot of
personal stuff with you.
But it’s very embarrassing to admit this.
So I hope you won't tell
other people I said this but
here's what's wrong with me, okay?
I cannot conform
to the Indian blueprint for success.
Are you guys familiar
with the Indian blueprint for success?
That 9 point plan that we were taught
as kids is the only way to live.
Familiar?
Go to school,
go to college,
get a job,
get married,
have kids,
buy an apartment on an EMI,
spend 30 years of your
life paying off that EMI,
retire,
die.
Sounds familiar?
All of us have been a part of that plan
in some way or another, right?
And full respect to anyone
who might have pulled that off
for yourself
or your family.
Well done!
*sarcastic applause*
but
I look at this 9 point plan
and I'm like, man, this is too normal.
And normal is very boring
because, as an adult,
I now have another theory.
Here's my theory.
If you live long enough,
you will become old.
I know what some of you
are thinking right now,
“We paid 500 bucks for this?”
"What is Captain Obvious going to say next?”
"If you flush the toilet”
"nobody will know you were there?”
No, no. I am going somewhere
with this, okay?
If you live long enough,
you will become old,
and when you become old,
you will feel left out.
And I don't know if you ever noticed
whenever an older person is
speaking to a younger person,
most often than not,
they're always talking about
how things used to
be back in the day
and talking about their
achievements
and their legacy.
It's because they have
realised something.
They have realised that
their time is almost up.
So all they have left is
everything they used to do
when they were younger,
and they want people to remember that
which is why when I get really old
and I'm trying to impress my grandkids
with my achievements,
and my legacy,
I don't want to say something like
“Hey kids come here!"
"Let me tell you about"
"how I used to"
"pay my EMIs on time."
"10th of every month"
"money would go out of my account"
"HDFC thought I was"
"a wild child"
"Word!"
I can't do that.
The thing is that I've
come to realise that
life is too short
and in whatever way possible,
you must live a life
of adventure, you know?
So when you get really old
and you're looking back at all
the things that you've done
The only thought that should come
to your mind should be,
"How the fuck am I not in prison?"
And out of this 9 point plan,
I don't know if you've
noticed this but
owning an apartment in this country
is considered to be some major achievement.
Yeah?
Young India is obsessed
with owning apartments.
I have never seen grown ass
people get so excited about
brick, cement and paint.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
Have you met these smug
homeowners?
"Homeowners"
These people who think they
own the apartment
that the bank lets them have
against a monthly payment
which common folk call
rent.
You've met them?
You go to their house,
the first thing they'll do,
the first thing they'll do is
tell you how big the house is.
It's the first thing they'll tell you
"1800 square feet!"
"all mine!"
"1800..."
"mine!"
And then, they'll ask you,
"What about you, Dan?"
"What about you?"
And then, I'll say something
really philosophical
just to fuck with them.
I'll just be like
“The Earth is my home!"
"510 million square kilometers,"
"Fuck your 1800 square feet!"
"Peace!"
They don't give up.
They feel the need to convince you
to also buy
an apartment,
and all of them have the exact
same argument.
"It’s a good investment!"
And they all say it the same way.
All of them channelling their inner
Shashi Tharoor.
"It’s a good investment!"
And I'm like,"No, it's not!"
Because by the time you end
up owning the apartment.
Like, you're really old,
you have Arthritis,
your wife has left you,
your kids don't want to
live with you anymore.
You'll meet them at a comedy
show once in a while but
you know?
And then,
you're just sitting there,
doing nothing with your life,
that just sounds so empty.
I don't care about your 3BHK,
I'd rather have a
threesome.
Ah, look at you guys!
How many of you over here
have had a threesome?
Yeah?
How many of you would
like to have a threesome?
Right,
3 dudes have
raised their hands here.
You guys are thankfully
sitting next to each other.
After the show,
create a Whatsapp group,
make a plan,
don't cancel.
"It’s a good investment."
No, it's not.
An apartment is not a
good investment.
You know what's a good
investment?
Memories.
That's a good investment.
Here's another good investment -
Travel.
Yeah,
that's a good investment.
Have you ever done this?
Have you ever travelled to another country,
met somebody for the first time,
spent an entire day with them
knowing fully well that you will
never see them ever again?
Anyone done that?
Yeah?
Yeah, awesome.
You've been to
Amsterdam.
Footnote:
It takes some people
2 weeks to get that joke.
2 weeks from now,
people will message me
on Instagram
"OHHHHH!!!"
But, you must try this if you
have never done this.
Travel to another country,
meet somebody for the first time,
spend an entire day
with them knowing fully
well that you will never
see them ever again,
you will find out who you really are;
CHEAP!
And it's because we've been taught
that this is the only way to live, right?
We then spent most of our adult lives
just chasing after stuff, right?
the job,
the marriage,
the kids,
the apartment.
Just chasing things.
Sometimes it works out for you
which is good.
But sometimes,
it just spectacularly fails
and that's what happened to me in 2011.
2011 is when I hit rock bottom.
That was my rock bottom moment.
You guys familiar with the term?
Rock bottom is basically
when your life completely falls apart.
You question all the
decisions you ever made
and wonder how you're going
to get out of there?
Rock bottom is when life takes you and
slams you to the ground and asks you,
"Do you smell"
"what life is cooking?"
2011 was one of the
toughest years of my life.
I was in a job that was
going nowhere
paying me very little money,
I had just started doing comedy,
there was no future
in it at that time.
And the girl that I was in
love with
for two and a half years broke up
with me over the phone.
Oh,
It gets better!
She then married one
of our juniors
from our MBA college.
It gets even better.
This junior was one of
the few guys
I had ragged as a senior
when he joined the college.
Out of all the ways that
he could get back at me.
This is the best!
Can you imagine me being an
asshole to him in college?
“What are you going to do huh?"
"What are you going to do?"
"What are you going to do?"
And in his head, he's just thinking,
"I’ll tell you what I’ll do!”
"I’m going to study really hard”
"get my degree”
”a job, and then”
"I’ll marry your girlfriend!”
And he actually did it.
Full respect to him,
he actually did it.
He pulled it off. I mean...
Respect man!
There's nothing I can do.
There's nothing I can do.
There is no comeback to this.
There is no comeback to this.
What am I going to do?
Have an affair with my
ex-girlfriend who is now his wife?
I would never do that, that's not who I am.
Guys, come on!
Hey, you know me.
Come on!
I would never do that
again.
That break up taught
me something,
I want to share this with you.
How many of you over here are dating?
Not married, dating?
Any couples over here?
Yeah?
You guys, two of you dating?
Two of you, together?
Ah, that's really cute. That's really nice!
Is that true ma'am?
How long have you guys been together?
2 months!
That is so cute!
Okay,
she's going to break up with you,
alright?
I mean be honest,
he's not the last guy you're
going to have sex with?
You know, right
you guys are each other's trial period?
How old are you?
Audience member: "21"
21
Look at the
experience over there
They're like,
"Wait till you get to 35”
"You won't get a boner”
"Then, talk about love!"
So, yeah
she's going to breakup with you, okay?
When you breakup with him,
don't do it over the phone.
That's the one tip.
Don't do it over the phone.
It hurts a lot.
I've been there, okay?
See you’ve been with this person for a
certain amount of time, right?
You’ve shared a life with them
and discussed a future that
you could possibly have.
The least you can do when you realise
that it is not working out
is sit across the person
face to face
and make sure
they're crying.
If you're breaking up with somebody,
you have to make sure they're crying.
Because if you’re breaking up
with them and they’re not crying,
you’re the one being dumped.
So, yeah!
It was 2011.
I’m heartbroken
in a job that's going nowhere.
And I have no plan for the future
and again, I hear that voice
in my head asking me,
“What do you want to do when you grow up?”
Except I was 27.
I was already grown up!
Remember that thing, right?
"By my mid-20s, I am going to be settled."
No, very very far from it.
I did everything they told me to do.
I wasn't happy.
Only years later,
I realised that I started becoming happy
the day
I did everything they
told me not to do.
But back then, I was a mess.
I'm just sitting there going,
What is happening?
Like, I'm looking at this
9 point plan
and I'm like, first of all
9 things,
too much to do
in one lifetime.
I'm Goan.
Ambition is not our thing.
A Goan's idea of ambition
is leaning out the window to
see if a coconut has fallen.
I can't do 9 things, okay?
Let me try and
do something that doesn't require
that much effort.
I can do 4 things
4 things,
reasonable.
Anybody can do 4 things.
4 simple things.
So, I created my own plan.
I'm like these are
4 things I want:
1. I wanted a career that was creative.
2. A career where I could
travel all over the world.
3. A career where I could take leave
whenever I want, for as long as I want.
And most importantly,
4. A career where I didn’t have
to wake up before 11 am.
Anyone can have this!
Anyone!
So, whenever people asked me,
"What are you trying to do?"
I'm like, "This is what I'm trying to
do with my life."
You know,
just after my MBA.
My friends stopped
hanging out with me.
They're like, "He's not paying
his share of the bill."
And then,
a few weeks later,
there was a family function
all the cousins and everybody
were there.
And all the uncle and aunts
were playing that game
they do,
'Whose child turned out the best?'
They were playing that
game and they asked me,
"So, what are you doing
with your life right now?"
And I told them,
"These are the 4 things I'm trying to do!"
So one of my aunts laughed out really loud,
she got very sarcastic.
And she looked at my mom and said,
“Why don’t you put him up for adoption?”
But, don't worry!
My mom defended me, okay?
She was like,
"No! How dare you say something like that?”
”Don't you dare!”
”We're trying to sell him!”
Around the same time,
I had a very profound conversation
with one of my uncles, okay?
He said something to me
that really shook me up.
Something I will
never forget
for the rest of my life.
He said,"Dan there are only”
"3 kinds of people in the world”
"1. People who realise”
"very early on in life
what they were meant to do.”
"2. People who realise”
"later on in life what
they were meant to do.”
"3. People who”
"never realise”
"what they were meant to do.”
And I was like, “Whoa!”
"Nice!”
"Good stuff!"
That really shook me up.
I was like, "Holy shit! I'm 27!"
It's too old to be number 1.
It was either going to
be number 2 or number 3.
And It's one of those conversations
where you just wake up and go,
"I need to do something with my life!"
"I need to do something with my life!"
So, I went out...
and I got tickets to a Metallica concert.
Yeah!
2011,
Metallica came to India.
They had two gigs,
one in Gurgaon and the other in Bangalore.
The one in Gurgaon
got cancelled
because it was Gurgaon.
I had tickets for Bangalore.
Everybody here familiar
with who Metallica is?
Legends of Heavy metal music.
I grew up listening to them.
I've watched all their videos on MTV,
have all their tapes.
So, watching Metallica live
was a big deal for me.
Kinda like how it is
for some of you
watching me.
So, I'm at this gig now
and I have no idea this gig
is going to change my life.
I was standing 15 feet
away from James Hetfield.
James Hetfield is the lead singer of the band
and that time, he was in his late 40’s
but he was killing it on stage
and having such a good time
as if he was in his 20s.
I'm like, holy shit!
That's so amazing to see
somebody be this passionate
about life at that age.
And that's when it hit me,
I was like, man,
James Hetfield has a creative job.
James Hetfield travels all over the world.
James Hetfield can take
a leave whenever he wants
for as long as he wants,
and most importantly,
James Hetfield does not have to wake up
before 11 am.
And that’s when I decided,
I’m going to be the
James Hetfield of stand-up.
And I yelled it out,
“I’m going to be the James
Hetfield of stand-up!”
and let me tell you something
nobody gives a fuck
about who you want to be,
if you’re blocking
their view at a concert.
So I flew back to
Bombay the next day,
and I fired myself
I decided I was never gonna
work for anybody ever again.
But it was a very
funny thing because,
the people I worked for
they were really nice
but they were upset that I went
for the gig without telling them.
So they were preparing
for one of those
'we are going to fuck you up' meetings.
Now if you've ever
had a job long enough
you know exactly what
I'm talking about, right?
You did something at the office
that pissed your boss off,
so he/she called you for
a meeting into their cabin.
Sushma from HR was there.
And they spent the first 5 minutes
about making you feel bad
for what you did
and the next 5 minutes
reminding you about why
you need that job,
so you can have a life.
Been there?
Yeah?
That is what I was walking into.
And whenever these meetings
take place, right?
Your boss rehearses what he/she
is going to say.
They're not very talented people.
They've come prepared.
So the same way I was
walking into one of these meetings
where my bosses were ready
to say stuff to me except
I walked in,
fucked myself up before
 they could say anything
and walked out.
And they were very confused.
They were like, “He has already left!”
”What do we do with all these words?”
It’s like you’re about to have
sex with somebody
but then they masturbate and leave.
You know, what I'm talking about.
Of course!
There I was,
November 1st 2011
No job,
no money,
heartbroken,
but following my dreams.
And, here's the thing motivational videos
don't tell you when they
ask you to follow your dreams.
I'ts that those dreams could turn
into nightmares real fast
if you don't get validation
for the choices you've made.
And at that time,
I didn't know it would take me
5 whole years to get that validation.
After doing this for
8 years now,
I've come to realise
that not everybody should
follow their dreams.
We need people in the audience.
So, learn to love your job.
But, back when I
decided to quit my job
to do comedy, there was
no money
in comedy at all.
So, I had to do whatever it took
to pay the bills.
So I would write
random articles for websites
and stuff
And, some of these articles
I'm okay with
some of them, not so much
which is why I am really glad
that in 2012,
stand-up finally started
 paying us some money
because somewhere out there
in the universe
there is an article titled
'Sensual Massages'
'written by Daniel Fernandes’
Around the same time
about a month later after I quit
in December 2011,
I went to Goa.
I was still heartbroken,
I was still messed up.
I was trying to figure shit out.
My friends took me to this
place called Club Cubana for a party.
It was very nice,
met a lot of people,
we were having a great time.
I was speaking to this one
particular girl, right!
And at some point of
the conversation,
she asked me,
"What do you do for a living?”
And for the first time in 27 years,
I had an answer.
I looked at her and I said,
"I’m a comedian!”
and she replied,
"Are you funny?”
"Humor...”
"Humor is subjective.”
"What is funny to some...”
"may not be funny to..."
"Are you funny or not?"
And I'm like,
"Look, I don't know, okay?”
"I just found out I'm a comedian!”
"I don't know."
I, then said to her,
"I don’t know if I’m funny or not”
"but I’m going to work really hard”
"and one day I’m going to
perform all over the world!”
She was like,
"Ooooh”
"such a nice answer!"
She was like, "Let's do this, okay?”
"Let’s take a picture together just in
case what you’ve said comes true.”
I don't know if she was
being sarcastic,
I just heard, let's take a picture
I'm like, "I'm there!"
So, we took a picture with her,
me and my friend
and it's now on Instagram.
But, I didn't see her after that.
5 years later,
I was fortunate
enough to be performing
at the Melbourne International
Comedy Festival (MICF)
in 2016 in Australia.
I was headlining some 22 shows.
Yeah!
And after one of these shows
I felt a tap on my shoulder
and as I turned around,
I heard a voice that asked me,
“Do you remember me?”
and I just went,
"No”
"Have you read my article on
sensual massages?”
And she said, “No,
but I met you at a club in Goa”
"5 years ago and I asked
you what you did for a living,”
"you said you were a comedian,”
"I asked you if you were funny”
"you said you weren’t sure”
"but you were going
to work really hard”
"and one day you were going to
perform all over the world.”
And then she reached into her pocket and
pulled out a phone,
and showed me the picture
we took from 5 years ago
and said,
“I’m so proud of you”
and I remember that moment
so well
as I was consumed by emotion
as I looked at that picture
and thought to myself,
“Who uses the same phone...”
"for 5 years?”
"This girl is crazy!"
And that is how I answered the question,
“What do you want to be
 when you grow up?”
Took me 27 years,
except a few years later,
they asked me another question;
“When are you getting married?”
And that's when I realised life is just a series of questions
that we must answer.
"What are you want to do when
you grow up?"
"When are you getting married?"
"Where will the temple be built?"
And as usual,
again, I don't have an
answer to this question.
And before I tell you why
I don't have an answer,
let me give you some back story, okay?
I'm 35
and I'm single.
Which means that
I have been in enough
relationships by now,
to safely conclude
that when it comes to love,
I have a failure rate
of 100%.
Those are not good numbers.
Sometimes I feel I'm that
just meant to be single.
I feel I’m single the same way
some people are vegetarian.
It doesn't make sense
but it's a thing.
And I have no problem with being
single in my thirties,
except I’m single in
my thirties in a world
where there are
other people!
And other people can't handle
people who are single
especially in their thirties.
You know what
I'm talking about, right?
They always come up to you
and give you unwanted advice,
telling you stuff you
don't need to hear.
This one time,
somebody came up to me and she was like,
"Dan, let me tell you why
you're single!”
"You don't know, I know."
and I'm just like,
"First, tell me,”
"who are you?"
She's like, "That doesn't matter.”
"I'll tell you why you are single.”
"The reason why you are single, Dan”
"The reason why you are single is”
"because you haven’t met”
"the one!”
EXACTLY!
You've all heard this
bullshit at some point
in time in your life, right?
This magical person called
"the one"
This love child
of a Unicorn and a Yeti.
Let me tell you something.
There is no such thing
as "the one".
"The one" is just
some bullshit story
that somebody made up
so De Beers could sell you diamonds.
Yeah!
For years,
capitalism has successfully convinced
us that jewellery is evidence of love.
Think about this.
First, De Beers started with a
fantastic tagline, right?
'A Diamond is forever'
I'm like,
"But relationships are not!"
Then, somebody else sang a song,
"A Diamond is a girl's best friend..."
So, why are you asking
the men to buy them?
Here's the latest marketing
scam, okay?
I don't know if you know this,
but now, they've come up with a formula
to prove your love.
And men, this is for you.
If you really love your woman...
you will buy her a Diamond
engagement ring
worth three times
your monthly salary.
Did you know this?
When I heard this, I was like,
"Are you nuts?"
"I'm not spending"
"INR 30 lakhs on a ring!"
What?
Are you mad?
See, the point I'm
trying to make...
is that there is no such thing
as "the one".
See! If you’re in a relationship,
if you're dating
or if you're married,
good for you.
But you’re not with the one.
You’re with someone,
who probably just gave up
and settled for you.
And if you want to know
which one you are in the relationship
stand in front of a mirror with your partner
and the first one to smile wins.
Now let me tell you why
I don’t have an answer
to the question
“When are you getting married?”
It’s because a lot of people
have told me not to get married.
And all the people who’ve
told me not to get married,
are divorced!
Can we for a second address the
high divorce rates in our generation?
It is such a normal thing now.
Everybody in here knows at least
one person who is divorced.
I know 10.
And a lot of people say that
our generation
does not do what it takes
to be happy.
Like, this behavior
was unheard of in
our parents' time, right?
Like, in our parents' time,
if a marriage was not working out,
they did the right thing and waited
till one of them died.
They played Russian roulette
with their happiness.
Could be him, could be me.
Could be him, could be me.
Oh, it's him.
Have you noticed how one of your parents
is staring at a watch way too often?
Dude, even married people are
telling me not to get married.
I'm not the only one who has had
a conversation like this.
Met a friend of mine this one time.
He said, "Dan, are you single?"
I'm like,"Yeah..."
"Stay single!"
"Stay single!"
I'm like,"Dude, what happened?"
"Just do it, okay?"
"Just do it!"
I'm like,"Okay Nike, but..."
"aren't you married?"
He's like, "Yeah, yeah! I'm married!"
"Aren't you happy?"
"Marriage is not about happiness!"
Never met him again
after that.
And you have similar
conversations as well, right?
It has confused me so much,
let me give you a better analogy
as to how I am feeling right now.
Let’s say you’re at a party,
and at some point of the party,
you decide to go to the toilet.
You just think that,
"I am at an age where I can
go to the toilet."
"I can handle the responsibility"
"that comes with going to the toilet."
"So, I will go to the toilet."
And you go to the toilet except
there's somebody already inside.
So you just wait for them to come out,
but as soon as they come out,
the first thing they say to you is,
“Do not go in there!”
"That shit is messed up”
"it stinks!”
What would you do?
Would you go to the toilet?
No!
Basically what I’m trying to say is that
marriage is a toilet
that people keep telling me
not to use.
Which is why, I’m pissing in the bushes!
See I do want to answer that question.
I want to answer that question,
"When are you getting married?"
which is why I am now on the lookout
for my first wife.
Yeah.
Figured I'd give this
a couple of tries.
I just hope my first
wife does not watch this show.
On second thought, maybe she should.
She should know what she’s getting into.
But then again no smart woman
will watch the show,
and will want to be with me.
Think about this, I’m suicidal,
I tell jokes for a living,
and I think marriage is a toilet.
That's the worst matrimonial ad ever.
Shaadi.com saw my profile
and they swiped left.
Which is why, now
every day I wake up,
I believe a little less
in the idea of love.
Every day I now wake up,
I believe that I’m never going to meet
somebody I can share my life with.
And that's okay.
I’m okay with that,
unless some girl comes to the show
watches this and goes,
“Awwww”
"Awwww”
"Let’s buy him!”
So yeah, those were the
last 8 years of my life.
Everything that has happened to me
in these 8 years has made
me a certain kind of person.
Some days are really really good,
and then some days are really really bad.
But the one thing that gets me though all of it
is getting up on stage and telling you guys jokes.
Which is why
if you now think about it
stand-up is actually therapy for me.
Because I’m standing across
 a room full of total strangers,
telling them my deepest darkest secrets,
except they are paying me
a lot of money.
Thank you so much ladies and gentlemen.
My name is Daniel Fernandes.
That breakup taught me
a very important lesson.
I want to share
that with you.
How many of you over here are couples?
Dating, not married?
People who are
Dating? Anyone over here?
Couples here?
Dating?
All the single people
showed up at this show?
There is another Whatsapp
group, is it?
"Single People in Mumbai"
"looking for comedy"
Not one of you over here...
Yeah? Couples?
Yeah? At the back?
This is being taped.
For fuck's sake,
just fucking
like
There is a couple
at the back, right?
I remember.
Now, I'm just fishing in the dark.
Fall in Love.
Hurry up.
You are dating somebody?
Audience member: For your show,
I'm dating her.
For your show, you are dating.
I don't want this pity
fucking relationship.
Fuck off!
Are you doing me a favour?
For your show!
Like, as if he is banging
chicks every night.
Like,"Oh, just"
"Just giving my cock a break tonight"
"For your show, I'll
be monogomous"
"Yeah, for your show"
The light is reflecting,
I can see you.
Just relax.
I like his confidence.
"For your show man!"
"Just for you!"
