Welcome to King's Landing, a city of kings and whores
where anything can happen. 
Yes, quite right.
Do be careful, 'cause shit's about to get real.
Do be careful, 'cause shit's about to get real.
Ho…. 
Well, I'm the fuckin' King 
Robert Baratheon, wrathful and nasty
when I drop the fuckin' hammer, invade like a pathogen
now gimme three whores, so I can smack that ass again
and build a bigger orphanage to put all my bastards in.
My wife's a brother-fucker and a straight-up bitch
who gave me three blonde shits, but her daddy is rich
Wine!
All this arse-lickin''s makin' me sick I thank the gods 
 that a boar put a tusk through my pancreas.
CERSEI: I gestated my bro's DNA
TYRION: Not mine.
CERSEI: …thought my inbred kids were okay
CERSEI: …but I'm afraid that…
TYRION &amp; NED: Joffrey is a half-wit, demented, sadistic piece of shit.
JOFFREY: You better say that I'm the king or I'll chop off your head I'll put 
 your genitals in the genital jar I keep in a drawer beside my bed
SANSA: Your grace.
JOFFREY: Yes, give her a gift, hit her in the face.
JOFFREY: Women are so weak and weary bring her back when she has her period. Burn the traitors, crush the North, 
 kill the babies, fuck the poor, I'm so bored with cutting out tongues, but I'm gettin' it done, mutilating whores
MARGAERY: Is this yours? JOFFREY: Yes, it is.
MARGAERY: Talk about killing. I love that shit. Stabbing, hacking, blood and guts
JOFFREY: Hold on--I'm about to jizz.
VARYS: Sadly, I cannot. PYCELLE: No jizz, quite right.
BAELISH: A sorcerer cut off your junk, we 
 know. At least it wasn't your head.
VARYS: Poor Ned Stark. What will the North do? 
 PYCELLE: My jizz is like baking soda.
VARYS: The Stark bannermen?
BAELISH: Why are they so fucking happy?
ROBB: Yeah, yeah! we fight for independence, it's a glorious day 'cause I married for love, and it's cool with the 
 Freys Yeah, we're heading to a wedding, gonna party today and I'm gonna be a dad?! God, everything's great!
CATELYN: Winter is coming. ROBB: So we'll hang out inside! 
CATELYN: But Winterfell burned down, Robb
ROBB: Look on the bright side. Lemme hear my Starks: are we doin' alright?
BRAN: Father's dead, we're homeless, and I'm crippled for life. 
RICKON: I'm hungry. ARYA: I'm alone in the middle of a war.
SANSA: I love the gay boy, but I married the dwarf.
ROBB: See that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, we're havin' a ball
LYSA: I'm gonna breastfeed Robin 'til my breasts fall off.
ROBB: Brienne, how's it going with the Kingslayer? BRIENNE: 
 Rapists have me and I'm fighting a bear!
ROBB: Cool! How's it hangin', Theon? THEON: Really bad!
ARYA: I met a lady who had demons in her vag!
EVERYBODY:  We are the North Side, ey! Doin' it our own way!
ROBB: Hey, it's my boy, Jon Snow! What up Jon?
SAMWELL: Um, hullo. We've got a bit of a problem 
 at the Wall.It's… it's a bit nippy… and…
JON SNOW: There's fuckin' Whitewalkers!
Shit’s crazy, I'm freezin' to death with thieves and rapers, had to swear 
 off sex If I could take it back, I'd take the black
shove it up Craster's ass, but it's too 
 late for that, with zombies surgin' south.
SAMWELL TARLY: I'm out. JON SNOW: I'm gonna die a virgin now, but wo-day, 
 they was a wild woman took me into a cave, got undressed
SAMWELL TARLY: You saw breasts?
JON SNOW: Yeah, and we had….CAVE SEX!!!!
SAMWELL TARLY: Cave sex? 
JON SNOW: Yeah, CAVE SEX!!!! SAMWELL TARLY: You knew where to put it!
JON SNOW: Oh, CAVE SEX!!!! SAMWELL TARLY: I forgot to send the ravens
JON SNOW: I'm havin' CAVE SEX!!!! SAMWELL TARLY: Cave sex!
VARYS: Seven hells
ROBB: Who is that? ROBERT BARATHEON: It's the Targaryen girl
JOFFREY: Sound the alarms!
ROBERT BARATHEON: She's come to take back the Seven Kingdoms.
ROBB: Well, it's more like six kingdoms now JOFFREY: Hide 
 me with the children! ROBB: …y'know since we seceded.
JOFFREY: I'm pooping! ROBB: She should take the other six. Why 
 not? ROBERT BARATHEON: Shut up Joffrey, you weird little shit!
DAENERYS: I got dragons, bitch. 
I started out with nothin' but a shitty older brother 
 in a Pentos penthouse, I got pimped out
to a Dothraki warlord with a horde full of 
 slave-takin' thugs, fuckin' like dogs in public.
Queen of the savages, got three dragon eggs ate a 
 horse heart, took it down, didn't throw up
got knocked up, but I mistakenly traded in the fate of 
 the baby, and put my hubby in a coma.
Smothered his ass, and built a funeral pyre, took the blood magic 
 witch, burned the bitch alive, climbed in-side and fried eggs awhile
from the ash came my naked ass and three reptiles.  
Touchin' my kids? Betta ask me I'm the "Motha of Dragons," Pyat Pree--
yeah, that freak. Y’betta come at me with more 
 than a manticore f'you wanna blast me.
JORAH: Khaleesi
DAENERYS: You got a dirty mouth yeah, you best sit 
 down before I go to town with some 
Valyrian, you 'bout to fear me when I turn 
 and burn this mothafucka to the ground.
I'm Stormborn, comin' out the flames kill the masters, free the slaves
From Qarth to Braavos, and Slaver's Bay every bitch 
 crackin' whips gonna know my name: JORAH: Khaleesi
DAENERYS: Send a raven to Westeros 'cause I'm 
 puttin' three dragons in a big-ass boat.
You betta tell the usurpers that I'm comin' home to take back 
 the realm and the Iron Throne...like a hound takes a bitch.
Happy birthday
