

 Color Blind

Lalla Squeglia

Copyright © Lalla Squeglia,

2011

Cover Artwork Copyright © by Lalla Squeglia

Smashwords Edition

This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials.

### Chapter One

"Boy? You home?"

The teenager sighed and ran his hands through his hair. His back still hurt from last night's beating, and he probably had another one in store for being late.

"It's me."

"Come here."

He went into the living room. His father was removing a needle from his upper arm. He looked up and asked, "Know what this is?"

"Heroin?"

"Yes. Ever tried it?"

"No."

"Do you want to?"

He hesitated. His father wasn't angry-yet-but he didn't know which answer would set him off.

"I guess."

His father smiled.

"Come here. I'll show you how it's done."

He went to the couch and sat down.

"Good. Roll your sleeve up...that's it. Here, you can have this one. I was saving it for myself, but since it's your first hit and all, I don't want you preparing it. You'll fuck it up, like you do with everything else."

The boy flinched under the words, but he knew they were true.

"Just stick the needle in a vein. Don't matter which."

The boy brushed his black hair from his eyes and took the needle. There was a sharp prick.

"Great. Inject it. Slowly."

He did, watching the clear liquid slither into his arm.

"How long 'til it works?"

"A few minutes."

They sat in silence, watching a cartoon cat run into a wall. After a few minutes, the boy began feeling good. Drowsy, but better than he ever had in his life. His back no longer ached, and he was almost...happy? Yes, that's what this was. Better than happy.

"Feels good, huh?"

"Yeah."

"You got homework?"

"Can I sit here and watch the rest of this with you, Dad?"

"Sure."

The father tousled his son's hair. The boy tried not to flinch away, but luckily his father didn't notice when he did. The boy was fifteen years old, and he was experiencing two firsts. His first high, and his first peaceful memory with his father.

### Chapter Two

Nancy Hale was sure of two things: that men were assholes, and that she was in desperate need of chocolate. The former was a very justified opinion, brought about by her employer, Dr. Samuel Grey. The latter was a bona fide need, not a craving. There was a half-melted chocolate bar in her purse that would fulfill the need nicely. She ate it, looked at the mountain of paperwork, and breathed a sigh of relief that it was Friday. No work for two whole days. She looked out at the rainy Seattle sidewalk and hoped she could get off early today. She wanted to go home to her junk food and some cartoons and her teddy bear. And maybe a blankie.

The door opened, nearly imperceptibly, and a young man came in. He had short black hair, ghost-white skin, a fading bruise on his face, and he was tall and skinny. He was dressed in dark, oversized clothes, a black scarf, and gray fingerless gloves. Nancy glanced down at his hands. Despite the gloves, a few red marks were visible. He was a heroin addict, and judging by the looks of him, he'd been one for a long time. She shuddered in spite of herself. No matter how long she worked at the clinic, she would never get used to seeing long-time heroin addict. Nothing against them-they were coming for help, after all-but the sight of them always made her queasy.

"Can I help you?"

"I need to make an appointment." His voice was soft and anxious.

"Sure thing. I'll need you to fill these out...then I think I've got a slot for next...hang on a minute...yeah, next Thursday. Would that suit you?"

He nodded and reached for the papers.

"Thank you."

"Sure. If you want, you can take those home and bring them back next week. But don't forget them."

"Thanks."

He coughed and retreated back towards the door.

"I need a name."

"Cole Martin."

It came out as little more than a whisper. Then he was gone, disappearing into the rain outside. Nancy shrugged. Well, the amount of paperwork here should keep her busy. If she was busy, Dr. Grey would leave her alone. Those were the best days, when he left her alone. She reached for the top paper and a fresh pen. It would be a long, boring day. Just the way work should be.

### Chapter Three

While Nancy was working on paperwork, Cole Martin was at home, coughing and looking for an ice pack for his back. There was a large welt there from the beating the day before. He wondered how much trouble he would be in if he borrowed some of the vodka his father always kept handy. He decided a few sips of vodka were not worth a potentially broken bone. There was no ice pack to be found and he ended up making one out of a plastic baggie and some ice cubes. He took it upstairs and lay down and put it on the welt on his lower back. He thought of the secretary at the little clinic he'd found. Thank God for all those self-help brochures they had at City Hall.

The secretary had been pretty, he'd admit. His 'type', as he would have said in high school. Everybody's type, probably-strawberry blondes always got the most attention. He pushed her out of his head. There was no need to get all excited over something he couldn't have. Besides, he had to act normal. If his father noticed something was up, he'd be in trouble. The ice bag was making his shirt wet and he took the shirt off, balled it up, and threw it onto the ever-growing heap by the wall.

"Cole! Get down here!"

Cole groaned and picked up a sweatshirt. He tugged it on and shuffled downstairs, coughing.

"You sick?"

"Just a cold."

Sean Martin raised his eyebrows.

"You want a shot?"

He didn't, but withdrawal was a bitch.

"Please."

"Make it yourself."

Sean shoved a bag at Cole and went into the other room.

Well, no beating. That's always a good sign.

Cole went into the kitchen, found his favorite spoon, and started prepping his shot.

### Chapter Four

Nancy triple-checked the lock on her apartment before going to bed that night. Even though she knew it was locked, she did not sleep well. Every little noise had her sitting up in bed and eventually she took her blanket and her teddy bear to the couch to watch TV. She wanted to call her father, but he would be asleep. Besides, she didn't want him to think that she was going crazy. A bipedal cat ran across the screen and Nancy smiled a little. She'd always liked cartoons, especially these days. They brought her back to her childhood. She missed being a little girl. Even her teenage years had been good. Parties, the occasional weed, heavy metal music in the background.

Nancy suddenly decided she wanted a shower. She never felt clean anymore, even though her skin was cracked from the frequent washings.

Thanks, Dr. Grey. she thought, scrubbing her arms with a pumice stone. Anger and pumice stones didn't mix and she cut her arm.

"Ow. Dammit."

She finished her shower, still feeling unclean even though her skin was pruny from the water. The cut wasn't bad and she didn't bother with a bandage. She still did not feel clean, but the hot water was almost gone. She made herself a vodka and coffee and went back to her cartoons. Her bear was still on the couch-why wouldn't it be?-staring at her with sparkling eyes. It looked like it knew something. Maybe it did. Who knew what went on in the minds of teddy bears? Now she was thinking like a crazy person-teddy bears didn't think. But hers always looked wiser than others. She hugged it and felt a little better. Its fur patches felt soft against her skin. A red dog stopped and said something she didn't catch. She wasn't really watching, but the sounds were soothing. She closed her eyes and listened. It didn't take long for her to sleep. For once, she did not have nightmares.

### Chapter Five

Cole looked at his reflection. It didn't look good. He didn't look healthy-too thin, too pale, and a bruise was refusing to fade from his face. He had a story for it, in case somebody asked. He always had stories.

Hell, he thought, I should become a writer.

The reflection cracked a smile. Cole tugged his gloves on. He knew they only called attention to himself, but he didn't care anymore. He was tired of having people point to his hands and ask if he needed help. Or, more likely, take a few steps back, as if his addiction was contagious. He'd gotten used to the stares and the mothers pulling their children away from him on the few occasions he went outside.

"Rehab today." he said aloud. His reflection frowned at him. "You're not helping." he told it.

I must be nuts, talking to the mirror.

He picked up the razor and tested its blade on his finger. It was dull. He'd have to go with the noose, then. He'd do it tonight, when his father was asleep and he wouldn't be disturbed. Besides, he wanted to see the city one more time. He grabbed the car keys and bolted out the door and prayed that his father wouldn't get home early.

### Chapter Six

Nancy had forgotten about Cole until he materialized in front of her. He scared her.

"Sorry."

He was taller up close-she had to crane to look at his face. The sight made her wince-his skin was stretched tight and there was a dark bruise on his eye.

"Cole, right?"

"Yeah. That's me."

"Do you want some ice?"

"For what...oh. No."

He stepped back from her.

"You're early. You'll have to hang out in here for about fifteen minutes...do you need a cough drop?"

He was coughing, but he managed to shake his head.

"Allergies."

"Try a mint."

"Thanks."

He took three and curled into a seat. If he was trying to hide, he wasn't doing a good job. His black sweater stuck out against the yellow chair. She didn't mention it. He gave her the creeps. Something wasn't right about him.

Well, she thought, something's not right about me, either.

She opened a file on the computer and started typing.

"Nancy?"

How did he...name tag.

"Yes?"

"How long do these appointments usually take?"

"It varies from person to person. If you're in a rush, tell Dr. Grey and he'll keep that in mind."

She hoped her voice was steadier than she thought when she said Dr. Grey's name. If it wasn't, Cole made no sign that he noticed.

"Thank you."

"Mm hmm."

She wanted to ask him again if he wanted ice, but she didn't. It wasn't any of her business. He looked depressed, though. Withdrawal did that sometimes. Normally she wouldn't have pitied someone like him, but he was in here getting help. And something about him just screamed, 'Pity me, please!'

She ignored him and started typing up a file based on the paperwork he'd given her. The next time she glanced up, he was asleep in the chair. She'd wake him up eventually. He had five minutes before Dr. Grey would be ready for him. She shot a look towards the back room to make sure he wasn't coming out any time soon. He wasn't-why would he?-and she turned back to making a file for Cole. She doubted that he would last very long. Either he'd give up or overdose. Most likely the latter.

### Chapter Seven

Cole didn't even get around to knotting a noose. His scarf, worn down from use, was beginning to unravel. There was no way it would support him. He balled it up and threw it behind him, followed by his shirt and gloves. He wanted to puke. He hadn't taken his full shot and it was showing.

I only shaved off a little! A little bit and I end up sick! Thanks, Dad, thanks a lot.

He'd borrowed a bucket from downstairs in case he did puke. Hopefully Sean wouldn't notice it was missing. His stomach flipped and he leaned over to reach for the bucket. He dry-heaved but didn't vomit.

"Oh, Jesus." he groaned. "Being clean is not worth this."

He didn't want to think what it would be like later, when he wasn't taking any. If he made it that long. Sean would get new razorblades soon and then he could get out of here. Lost in thought, he didn't notice the door swing open.

"Why's this door shut?"

"Forgot..."

"And what's that bucket doing up here?"

"I don't feel good."

"You take your shot?"

"Yes."

"Then what the hell's your problem!"

Cole pressed tighter against the mattress. Sean had been drinking. It was always the worst when he'd been drinking.

"Did I say you could have the bucket?"

"No, but..."

"Did I say you could shut the door?"

"I forgot, I'm sorry..."

"That's two rules you've broken in one night, Cole! Next thing you'll be telling me is that you went somewhere today! You didn't do that, did you?"

"No."

Sean shook his head.

"Steal my bucket, shut the door, then you take a tone...that's three." he slurred, holding up three fingers.

Please pass out drunk, please pass out drunk.

He didn't. For a drunk man, he could move fast. Cole didn't try to run. It was always worse when he did that.

"Dad?" he whispered, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he could get through to him tonight.

"Shut up and take it."

"Dad, please..."

He wasn't quick enough to dodge the fist to his chest. Nothing broke, but breathing was suddenly very hard. It would bruise.

"Dad, I'm sorry, just please don't do this tonight!"

Sean reached for a shirt collar, didn't find one, and settled for grabbing Cole's shoulder instead.

"Please..."

Cole felt the all-too-familiar sensation of being thrown before hitting the wall. The impact made him cough.

"Dad, please..."

His voice was little more than a whimper, but Sean turned and left the room without a word. Cole dragged himself onto his bed and lay still, trying not to move. Everything ached, especially his head. The light hurt. He didn't want to get up and turn it off. He fell asleep some time later, waking up only when Sean drew a blanket over him and turned off the light.

"Dad..."

"Go to sleep, Buddy."

He hated that nickname.

"But..."

"Go to sleep, Cole."

He didn't miss the edge of anger in his father's voice.

"Night, Dad."

Sean left. It was only after he was gone that Cole allowed a few tears to escape. He needed to get out of here, one way or another.

### Chapter Eight

The table was cold. Nancy was crying, unable to look at Dr. Grey. There was the sound of the gun being set down and clothes being removed. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping everything would just go away. There was a sharp pain and a hand clamped over her mouth to keep the scream in. She tried to bite the hand but her mouth did not want to cooperate. Why was this happening? Was it something she did? Why was God turning a blind eye to this?

Nancy woke up to the phone ringing. She looked at the clock and freaked out.

Seven forty-five? Shit, how long have I been asleep?

Long enough to miss most of her first class, anyway. She'd had a lot of absences in that class already, but there was no point in getting up to go now. By the time she showered, dressed, brushed her teeth, and grabbed a granola, class would be over. So she could take her time in the shower. But first...the phone had been ringing. There was a voicemail.

"Hey, princess, guess you're at school, call me when you get home and we'll plan for lunch someday soon, okay?"

"Okay, Daddy." she said to the machine.

She went to the shower and turned the water on hot enough to hurt. She liked it when it was that hot. Then she could feel something besides the sickening numbness that sank all the way down to her bones. Maybe deeper, if that was possible. The only trouble with having the water that hot was that it didn't last. All too soon, it was cold and she got out and reached for the blow dryer. It was dead. She toweled her hair as best she could and headbanged to the radio to dry it the rest of the way. She was only a minute early to her science class that morning. They got out early and by eleven forty five, Nancy was driving towards her work, feeling sick.

### Chapter Nine

Nancy did not call her father back. She forgot. She also forgot to set her alarm for the next morning, but her first class was a late-morning one, so it didn't matter. Unfortunately, her friend Janet was in that class. She liked Janet-somewhat-but she was so very noisy. As of late, Nancy didn't like noise. Besides, Janet was always nagging on her to 'Dress nice! You don't look good in sacks!' She sat in the back and kept her head down and combed her hair around her face to look invisible. It didn't help.

"Nancy! Where have you been?"

"Here. I've just had a sore throat."

"Is it contagious?"

"Not anymore. It was probably just allergies, but you never know...you know the patients we get sometimes come in sick."

For some reason, the image of Cole flashed into her head. He was due today. She wondered if he would show up-he'd looked close to death last week. She shoved him out of her head. He had no business being there. Janet had said something.

"Excuse me?"

"I said, I know. Every time you get a junkie, you get sick with something. Please say you don't have any right now."

"We do, but he's not in much."

"Good." Janet sniffed. "I don't know why you bother with those kinds of people. They always relapse."

"Not always."

"Yes always. What about that girl that came in...three times, right?"

"Five."

"Five!"

"Shh. Yes. But she beat it in the end, it just takes a while sometimes. Her family was no good."

"Still."

"Quiet. I failed the last quiz, I have to pay attention."

Janet rolled her eyes and turned to talk to the boy next to her. Nancy leaned against the wall, sometimes writing down what was on the board. Mostly, though, she looked out the window at the rain and wondered what she was going to do. She needed to get out of that place.

### Chapter Ten

Cole was sitting in the car, feeling fevered and dizzy. He was going to ask for the cough syrup tonight, but right now he had his appointment. He got up, darted from the rainy street the building, and went in.

"Cole, right?"

He jumped-he hadn't seen Nancy at first.

"Y-yeah."

"You're early."

"Good traffic."

He signed in and took a mint. It helped his throat.

"How's the bruise?"

"It's about gone, thank you."

She didn't say anything else and Cole settled into the chair. It was too thin and the pillow didn't feel right. The fabric was smooth but scratchy. He looked at Nancy again. She really was a pretty girl, but something was wrong. She was jumpy, frightened,

Like me.

She'd been through something. He didn't ask. She wouldn't tell him, and it was none of his business.

His wrist hurt. He was pretty sure it was sprained. Sean had shoved him down a few stairs and he'd landed on it wrong. At least it wasn't dislocated. It had been hard preparing his fix, although that was probably for the best. He set his wrist across his lap where it was safe from being touched and leaned back, resting his head against the wall. It felt cold compared to the fire in his skin.

"Dr. Grey can see you now."

"Thanks."

He got up and his wrist bumped against the chair. Streaks of pain shot through it. He eased his hand into his pocket and shuffled into the back room.

* * * *

Nancy didn't realize how much time had passed until Cole came back. Had it been that long already? She looked at the clock. It had been that long. Wow. He picked up another mint and she repressed a gasp.

"What happened to your wrist?"

"What...oh. I fell on it, that's all."

"Sit down. You need that wrapped."

She wouldn't have to touch him. It would be quick and easy.

"You don't have to..."

"Still. It'll heal faster."

She didn't recognize the look in his eyes. Shock, maybe. She brushed it aside and got out the first-aid kit.

"Hold still, it'll take two seconds."

Cole remained motionless as she wrapped his wrist. It was very swollen and covered with scars and recent track marks.

"All done."

"Thank you." he said softly.

"Sure. Don't use it."

He nodded and dropped his eyes. Something was wrong with him. Her caring streak flared up.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine, thank you. It's just a little difficult."

He was lying, but she didn't press him.

"See you next week."

"Yeah. Thanks again, Nancy."

She stiffened. How had he known her name? She hadn't told him, and she wasn't wearing her nametag. Maybe he'd remembered from the week before. The thought both flattered her and creeped her out. She put him out of her mind and resumed working on the mountain of papers beside her.

### Chapter Eleven

Cole hurt. His wrist was throbbing, and so was his head. He'd successfully hidden the wrapping on his wrist but it wasn't helping much. He pushed his sleeve back and looked at it. The white bandage was a fat cushion around the sprain, and when he pressed it down he couldn't feel his wrist. That was probably good. He usually didn't wrap his injuries-Sean would notice and yell at him for being a wimp. He kept his sweater on-the last thing he wanted was to wake up with Sean on his case about the wrap.

He knew he should eat, but he didn't want to. The thought made him nauseous. Great. Now on top of the headache and the sore wrist he had a sick stomach. That was just great.

Cole turned on the radio and picked up his shot. He hadn't made the full dose-some of the powder had gone down the drain when Sean wasn't looking. He tied his fraying scarf around his wrist. After a few minutes, he could pick out a vein in his palm and he plunged the needle into it. He could feel the poison coursing through his body and wondered if he would OD this time. He hoped so.

Is it odd, he wondered, to be so afraid that Dad'll kill me but to want to die?

He couldn't think of an answer and after a minute, he nodded off, the scarf sliding from his fingers to the floor.

### Chapter Twelve

Nancy was throwing up. It wouldn't be the first time today. She'd woken up at eleven at night from a bad dream about Dr. Grey. Now, an hour later, she was still kneeling over the toilet, wondering if she should try to make it to the phone and call 911. She didn't want to. It would stop, it always had before. But it was not a fun sensation.

Fifteen minutes later, the vomiting stopped. She rinsed her mouth out, took a small sip of water-which promptly came back up-and went back to bed. It was hot in the apartment and she did not put on blankets. She hugged her teddy instead.

"Teddy," she said, "What's wrong with me?"

The bear only looked at her.

Nancy set it down, went to the window, and opened the drapes. It was dark outside and raindrops were running down the window. They made it look like Seattle was crying. A musician had shot himself across town the other day-maybe Seattle was in mourning for him. She wondered if death was better than living in fear and feeling so filthy.

She lay on her bed again, but sleep did not come. She got up and started a pot of coffee. While it perked, she went outside to have a smoke.

It was freezing outside. It felt good to Nancy. She leaned against the railing and took a drag of her cigarette. A raindrop fell on her finger. She shook it off and looked down. The sidewalk seemed very far. She shivered a little and stubbed out her cigarette. Surely the coffee was done by now. She thought about adding vodka and decided against it.

There was nothing on TV-big surprise-and she ended up going back in her room to listen to the radio. She found some song about a boy committing suicide.

Maybe death is better than this.

She lay back in the dark, listening to the radio and sipping her coffee and thinking about getting a new job.

### Chapter Thirteen

Cole was lying on his bed, shaking and concentrating on keeping his dinner in his stomach. Sean had finally noticed that he wasn't feeling good and told him to take some cough syrup before bed. He was going to, but first he had to keep food down. That was easier said than done. The fact that he hadn't taken a full shot was making food seem like his worst enemy. He supposed this was a symptom of mild withdrawal. He didn't want to think of what full withdrawal would be like. There was a knock on the wall outside the door and he winced.

"Y-yeah?"

"I'm goin' to bed, Buddy. Don't forget to take syrup for that cough."

"Night, Dad. Thanks."

Sean did not come in. Good.

His clothes were itchy and tight and he pulled them off and curled under the blankets. They didn't feel good, either.

When he was sure Sean would not come out for anything, he took a small plush snake out of his backpack. It was green, ratty, and there was a small hole in its tail. He'd put duct tape over the hole, but it was coming off. His mother had given it to him a week before she left. He wondered where she was, if she was even still alive. She had to be, she'd left, not gotten buried in the backyard. He missed her.

Why'd she leave? he wondered. Was it because of something I did?

Surely not, but he knew he'd been a heavy cause of his parent's arguments. He hid the snake under the mattress again and lay still. He didn't think he could take the cough medicine-he'd be lucky if he didn't wake up puking later.

### Chapter Fourteen

When Cole came in for his next appointment, Nancy's jaw dropped. He looked terrible. He was covered in bruises and one of his arms was in a sling.

"What happened to you?" she whispered.

"Got jumped."

"Sit down. Do you want ice?"

"I'm okay."

"What about your shoulder?"

"Jammed it."

The sling looked like it had seen a lot of use before, but Nancy didn't ask.

"How's it going?"

"With the...heroin?"

"Yes."

"It's going okay, thanks."

"Sign in, please."

He did and retreated to the ugly yellow chair after taking a mint. Nancy went back to her paperwork.

"I-I wanted to say...um...thank you. For wrapping my wrist the other day." His voice was shaking.

"It was nothing. How's it doing, by the way?"

"It's okay, thanks. I can use it a little more now."

"You shouldn't overuse it. You could damage it more."

She glanced up. He looked very nervous. Probably lack of a fix.

"How long have you worked here?"

"Three years."

She wondered why he wanted to know.

"Wow."

"Yeah. It's a good place."

Nancy, you're a horrible liar.

Cole offered a smile. It didn't look good on him. He still looked sick. Or did he always look like that?

"How're you feeling?"

"I'm okay, thanks." His voice was muffled around the mint in his mouth.

She glanced at the clock. Five minutes. When she looked back at Cole, his eyes were closed and he was shivering. The heater was on seventy-five.

On a whim, she got out the thermometer and went over to him.

"Stick this in your mouth."

"Why?"

"Because Dr. Grey's going to want to know."

He took the thermometer from her, being careful not to touch her. Was he a germophobe?

When it beeped she took it back. Ninety-nine point three.

"Tell Dr. Grey about this." she said, pointing to the thermometer.

"Okay. Thanks."

"Don't fall asleep."

He flushed and bit his lip. Nancy stuck the thermometer back in the desk and looked at the clock again. Three more minutes.

Cole burrowed into his sweater, his hands vanishing into the sleeves. He didn't just look sick. He looked scared.

Well, being jumped will do that to you. Nancy thought.

She did not speak to him again until it was time to send him in to see Dr. Grey.

### Chapter Fifteen

For the first time since high school-and even then it had been a rare occurrence-Cole was thinking about a girl. He'd always been shy around them, and they hadn't liked him much, either. The only time one of them had gotten close enough to touch him had been at a party, when they were both drunk. And she was the school slut, so she didn't count. If anything, she'd scared him a little. But Nancy was different.

He didn't know what she'd done to get his attention. Whatever it was was probably unintentional. Maybe it was the fact that she'd bothered to wrap his wrist up. Or that she hadn't given him the look of disgust he knew so well. Or a combination of things. He wanted to get to know her more, if he could.

Dr. Grey had told him not to drop his dose anymore until he was healthy-well, as healthy as possible under the circumstances. He didn't mind. Maybe he could become accustomed to this new dose and hold off the withdrawal a little longer. The door creaked open a little bit and he closed his eyes. Sean did not come in. Good. The beating he'd gotten the other night had been enough to render him unconscious. He'd woken up on his bed, wearing an old sling Sean kept around in case something like this happened. The door closed a little more and Cole breathed a sigh of relief. If it wasn't for the heroin, he might have been able to leave, but no one would hire him now, and he had no other place to go. He was stuck here. He hoped that Sean would have a heart attack.

When he was younger he'd loved his father, done everything he could to please him, but the creature down the hall was not his father. Fathers weren't supposed to get their children hooked on drugs and beat the hell out of them for leaving the back door unlocked.

He shivered and turned his thoughts back to Nancy. That was a safe topic. He got under the blankets, keeping his arm across his chest, and closed his eyes.

He wondered what it was like to be hugged. The last hug he'd gotten had been in the third grade. That was all he wanted now, was to be hugged. Surely it wasn't too much to ask.

### Chapter Sixteen

Nancy loved the weekends. No school, no work, just rest. She was sitting in her kitchen, listening to the coffee perk and watching the rain fall. Her throat hurt.

I probably caught something from Cole. she thought.

Cole...she didn't understand him at all. Something was wrong. She'd seen heroin users before, and he fit the usual behavior patterns except for one. Most of them were suspicious and angry individuals. He was scared. Yesterday she could understand-being jumped in an alley left aftereffects-but all those days before...was he feuding with his dealer? Probably not-if drug dealers were upset, no one lived very long. Not unless they moved, and he was still here. So that couldn't be it. Was it his home environment? Again, unlikely. He was old enough to have moved out, and even though he was sick, he could probably defend himself against an angry girlfriend. So what was his problem?

Why do you care?

That was a good question. She didn't have to. It was in her best interest not to. So what was it about him that made her worry?

Maybe it was all those injuries he came in with. That was probably why. Something was going on-no one was that clumsy. Granted, he'd been jumped once, but still.

Maybe he is that clumsy. Who cares?

She poured herself a coffee and took a sip. It burned her lips. She didn't care. Her thoughts turned back to Cole.

What was wrong with him, she wondered? Did he have a mental disorder? That was a possibility. Or was it because he was sick? He'd been sick for a long time. Maybe it was something terminal.

Quit thinking about it. You don't know him, you don't need to know him, and he's probably a perv underneath it all.

She took another sip of her coffee and put Cole out of her mind. He had no right to be there, anyway. Men were assholes, and he was no exception.

### Chapter Seventeen

Nancy's desperate attempt to forget about Cole failed miserably when he came in looking and sounding worse than before. The bruises were fading, but his cough had returned and his arm was still in the sling.

"You should've called in and stayed home." she said.

He shook his head.

"I'm fine. It's just a cold, it won't go away." He signed in, his writing a messy scrawl. "Really, it's nothing."

Nancy shrugged and pointed to the mints.

"Take one. Or we have cough drops if you want one."

He declined the cough drops but took two mints.

"Thanks."

I'll have to stock up on orange juice. Nancy thought.

"Sure. Go sit down, you don't look good." He went and all but fell into the chair. "How are you feeling?"

Now she recognized the look on his face-disbelief.

"I'm okay, thanks."

He lay his head against the wall and closed his eyes. Nancy brought him a paper cup with water in it.

"Here."

"Thanks."

He took it. Their fingertips brushed and Nancy jerked back. Or was it Cole that had done that?

"Thanks." he said again.

"Yeah."

He was shivering. Nancy went back to her desk.

"Are you in school?"

She jumped. She'd thought he was going to be quiet. She wished he would be. His voice was raspy and grated on her ears.

"Yes. Are you?"

"N-no. My dad needs me at home."

"You live with your dad?"

"Yeah."

His dad was clearly not a good conversation topic. Maybe he had cancer or something.

"That's nice."

He did not smile.

"Yeah. I guess." He took a sip of the water and closed his eyes. "Thanks again."

"Sure. Get some sleep when you get home."

He nodded.

"Nancy?"

"Yeah?"

He didn't say anything for a minute.

"Never mind."

She didn't press him. He'd probably forgotten.

"Dr. Grey can see you now." she said instead.

### Chapter Eighteen

Cole was lying on his bed, his head hurting and feeling very confused. How was he supposed to ask out a girl, anyway? Especially one he hardly knew? He hadn't done anything with a girl before, not even in middle school. He'd always been the quiet, jumpy one getting slammed against the lockers for being the 'teacher's pet'.

This was confusing.

He rubbed a finger over one of the scars on his arm.

Just forget about her, Cole. You're not worth it. There's no way she'll say okay. She probably thinks you're some kind of freak.

But he wanted to give it a try all the same. Next time he had to go in, he would make an effort to get to know her better. That was a step in the right direction, right?

He reached over and turned on his radio. The sound was scratchy. It soothed him.

He wondered if Sean had gotten new razor blades. But lately he'd been wondering if he wanted to go through with that plan. He'd see how it went with Nancy. He would just have to steer clear of Sean, if he could. The last thing he wanted was for her to start asking questions. He didn't need her knowing that much.

His head hurt. Sean had thrown him against the wall last night for taking a 'tone'. He threw his good arm over his face and closed his eyes. He needed his fix, but Sean wouldn't be home with it for another hour.

Dammit.

He found a semi-comfortable position and looked at the radio. The numbers on the clock were blurring together. He wondered if he had a concussion. He didn't think so-his pupils were the same size as always. It was too light in the room.

He hated this room, now that he thought about it. It was too cold, with hardly any color except for a few drops of blood on the carpet and a rusty stain on the far wall. That was blood, too-Sean had shaken him back and forth by the wall and he'd hit his head hard enough to knock him out. Apparently he'd bled some, because when he regained consciousness Sean was scrubbing a stain off the wall. He put the memory out of his mind-it would only make him feel worse. He decided to think of Nancy again. That was a nice topic.

Their fingers had brushed together earlier. The sensation had been like an electric shock. He wasn't sure who had pulled back, and it didn't matter. It had been a start. He was just so damn nervous around everyone, but her especially. He didn't know why.

Next time I go in there, I'll talk to her again.

### Chapter Nineteen

Nancy was leaning against the wall, smoking. She loved cigarettes. They soothed her.

"Oh, so you're a rebel."

She jumped and nearly dropped the cigarette.

"Excuse me?"

Cole pointed to the sign next to her.

"Says no smoking."

"No one pays attention to the sign."

He smirked. That fit his face better than a proper smile.

"Want one?" she asked.

Might as well make nice to the guy.

"Sure."

He took one, using only two fingers to take it. He had his own lighter.

"Want a spot by the wall? You're getting wet."

"I'm okay."

"Are you still sick?"

"Not very."

"Still. Come out of the rain."

He did, keeping close to the edge of the awning. Maybe he was a germophobe. Or just shy.

"How's it going?"

"It's going okay. I can't drop the dose anymore until I'm better."

"It's a long process."

"You've seen it before?"

Never like you.

"Yes." she said.

"How long does it take?"

"Depends. A few months, at least."

He nodded and took a drag of the cigarette. He still looked very pale.

"What are you in school for?"

"I'm studying to be a nurse."

"In?"

"An upscale rehab clinic. I want to deal with the mental part of addictions, if I can. Cravings and depression and stuff."

"Wow."

"Yeah."

"That's great."

He looked like he wanted to say something else but didn't.

"You're a little early."

"Good traffic."

In the road, someone rolled down their window and screamed at the car in front of them to drive. They both laughed.

"Thanks for the cigarette."

"Yeah, sure. It helps. By the way...if it gets really bad, one of our other patients said video games help him take the edge off."

"Video games?"

"Yeah. He said it was a good distraction."

"Thanks for the tip."

"Sure."

"He have any tips for the itching?"

"Don't scratch. Someone a while back said an ice bath helped, though."

"Thank you."

"Sure. It's a bitch."

He nodded.

"Have you lived in Seattle for a long time?"

"My whole life. You?"

"Yeah. Well, that's a lie-we spent a year a little outside of it, but that was when I was little."

"Where were you?"

"I don't remember."

He coughed and leaned against a support column.

"I'm gonna go in now. You coming?"

"Yeah."

He got the door for her.

"Thank you."

"Sure."

There was the hint of a smile on his face, but it was gone a second later.

"What do you do after work?"

"I'm kind of a homebody." she admitted. "I stay at home and watch cartoons."

She knew better than to ask what his activity was. It was obvious, and he acknowledged that.

"I'm looking for new hobbies."

"Sit down. Let me get the thermometer."

She could feel his eyes on her. It unnerved her a little.

"Here."

His fever had not gone down.

"Have you seen a doctor?"

"No. I'm sick a lot."

She brought him a water and retreated behind her desk.

"N-Nancy?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think maybe I could have a cough drop?"

"Yeah, hang on. Cherry or honey?"

"Which tastes better?"

"Honey, but they're both nasty."

"Honey, then."

"Here."

"Looks like undercooked egg."

"Just eat it."

He did.

"Ugh."

"I warned you."

He dropped his head back.

"How much longer?"

"Five minutes."

She accidentally knocked a pile of papers off the desk.

"Fuck!"

Cole laughed but got up and helped her pick up the papers.

"Thank you."

"Sure. Never heard a girl use that word."

"Sorry."

"Just surprised is all."

"I normally don't do that." she lied.

Cole dropped the papers on her desk.

"Did they have an order?"

"Yes. I'll reorganize them today."

"Want help?"

"I got it."

"You sure?"

She thought about it. She felt safer with someone in the clinic.

"If you're sure you don't mind."

"No, not at all."

"You have to go in now. If you're sure, meet me back out here afterwards. But you're sick-are you sure you don't want to go home and rest?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He'd tensed up at the word 'home'. She wondered what was so bad. Maybe his dad was a drunk or something. Or dying.

He went into the back room and Nancy started sorting out the papers.

* * * *

Cole was scared to death.

Well, Cole, you did it. You got time to talk to her. That's what you wanted, isn't it?

He had to admit that yes, it was, but that didn't help his nerves. He was always nervous talking to people, and Nancy in particular.

"Cole!"

"Y-yes?"

"Did you hear me?"

"Can you repeat it?"

Dr. Grey nodded sympathetically.

"I asked if your home life is suitable for this. Are you living with anyone?"

"Yes. My dad."

"Is he supportive?"

Cole shrugged.

"He hasn't gotten on my case about it."

Well, it wasn't a lie.

"Is he helpful?"

"He's not home a lot."

That wasn't a lie either.

"Hmm. Do you feel like you have a good support network?"

"Y-yeah."

The doctor didn't believe him. He looked like he was about to ask more, but he saw the clock and said instead, "You'd better get home and get some rest. Same time Monday?"

"Sure. Thanks."

He was more than happy to get out of the office. It smelled funny back there, like old fish.

Nancy was still working her way through the pile of papers.

"Still want help?"

"If you're up for it, I guess. Grab a chair. You look awful."

Cole couldn't pick up the chair because of his shoulder and ended up dragging it along the carpet.

"What do I do?"

"Put them back in alphabetical. The pile was A to L. That pile's A, that one's B, and so on."

"Okay."

"Thank you. I owe you."

"It's nothing."

There was an awkward silence for several minutes. Cole's sleeve slipped up when he reached across to set a paper down.

"What did you do?"

"What?"

Nancy pointed to his arm. There was a nasty greenish bruise a little past his sprained wrist. Sean had grabbed him and made it worse.

"It's nothing."

"Looks like something. Is that the sprained wrist?"

He nodded.

"What did you do?"

"It's nothing...I tripped and caught myself out of habit, that's all."

"Are you sure? It looks almost like someone grabbed you."

"It's just a bad bruise."

"Hmm."

She didn't believe him. That was bad. He fixed his sleeve.

"Why do you wear those gloves?"

"I don't want to see the scars."

She nodded sympathetically. There was another silence, this time a comfortable one.

"Do you want another cough drop?"

"No, thanks."

"I can get the rest of these. Thanks, Cole."

He felt very warm when she said his name.

"You sure?"

"Yeah. Go home and get some rest."

He stood up. He didn't want to go home. Sean was probably home.

"See you next week."

"Yeah. Feel better."

"Thanks."

He left.

* * * *

Cole was right. Sean was home.

"Where've you been?"

"Went for a drive..."

"Why?"

"It's nice out, thought I'd go to the park..."

"Did I say you could go?"

"No, but..."

"Do you have any idea how worried I've been, Cole? I get home and find you and my car gone! What am I supposed to think?"

"Dad, I..."

"Shut up, Cole!" He shut up. "I've spent the last hour wondering whether to call the police! Dammit, Cole, when I tell you to stay home, you better stay home!"

Cole shrank back against the wall.

"Dad, I'm sorry...I didn't mean..."

Sean grabbed him and pulled him away from the wall.

"You better damn well learn to stay home, Cole!"

Cole closed his eyes. His wrist and shoulder really hurt.

"Look at me!"

He opened his eyes. Sean's face was white.

Uh-oh.

"Dad, I'm sorry..."

Sean shook him.

"It's too late for sorry, Cole! You about gave me a heart attack! Are you trying to make my life miserable?"

"No, I just..."

"You just? Cole, if I had a dime every time you just did something...get out of my sight. I'll deal with you later."

That was worse. Whenever Sean planned out a punishment things got messy. It was always the planned punishments that gave him a broken bone or a dislocated limb. He went upstairs anyway. He needed his fix.

It was waiting for him on his dresser, along with his favorite spoon. He prepared it without paying attention to what he was doing, took half and threw the rest away. It was getting a little easier to do that.

Despite his fear about whatever Sean was going to do to him, he was in an okay mood. He'd gotten to know Nancy a little more. That was a step.

Sean did not come up at all that night and when Cole snuck downstairs to get a drink, he found him passed out drunk on the couch. Big surprise. He turned off the TV and dropped an afghan over him.

There. That's enough interaction for one day.

He went back upstairs with a water and went to bed. He did not dream.

### Chapter Twenty

Nancy toyed with her cross necklace. She hadn't worn it for over a year now. It had been on her teddy bear instead.

She felt guilty for touching it. She was filthy now, she had no right to touch it.

She put it back on the bear, tucking the cross and loose chain into a rip in its tummy. Now she didn't have to look at it.

For some reason, Cole crept back into her thoughts. She was a little worried about him. All those injuries didn't make sense. And he'd been sick for a long time...never mind. She didn't need to worry about him, it was none of her business.

So why are you still worried, Nancy?

She shook her head and went to get a drink. Maybe some vodka in a soda. That would be nice. And after that maybe she would have one of the chocolate pudding cups sitting in the fridge.

Or maybe she should have the pudding first.

She decided on having her drink first and got an orange soda. She put it back a few minutes later and decided on a shower instead.

The water burned her skin. She stood there for a while, not thinking about anything, until the heat went down and she remembered she needed to wash. She needed a new scrubbie, she noticed. She'd try to keep that in mind next time she went to the store.

Her mind turned to Cole again. She didn't want to think about Cole. She was very tired of thinking about Cole, actually, but he wouldn't get out of her head. Maybe tomorrow she would get a paper and see about a new job. That was what she needed. Then she wouldn't have to think about Dr. Grey or Cole ever again.

### Chapter Twenty-One

I'm crazy. Cole thought, looking at his reflection in the mirror. She'll never say okay. She hardly knows me.

"Say it. I'm crazy."

The reflection didn't say anything, thankfully.

Sean had forgotten about Cole's punishment the other day, and Cole had been careful to avoid him as much as possible. For once his reflection wasn't bruised too badly, and his arm was out of its sling. It still hurt, but the sling was itchy. He tried a smile. It came out as a grimace and he stopped and dropped his eyes to his hands.

He hadn't taken his gloves off since the night before, and they were crumpled up. He hated them, but they were his security blanket. As long as he wore those, he didn't have to look at the scars on his hands.

He swallowed a dose of cough medicine, gagged, and hoped it would turn out okay. He really did like Nancy. She seemed like a very nice person.

He took one last look at the mirror before leaving the house. He felt like he was going to be sick. His head hurt. But on the bright side, Sean was out of town on business for two days. Two whole days of peace.

Sucks that it's not forever.

* * * *

The door opened and Nancy jumped. It was only Cole. She felt a wave of relief.

"Hi."

"H-hey."

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay, thanks."

He looked nervous. That was nothing new.

"You're early again."

"Good traffic."

"That's what you always say."

"That's always the case."

"Go sit. Or do you want a mint?"

"I'm okay. I took some medicine this morning."

"Good."

About time.

He was fussing with a loose thread on his sweater and he looked like he wanted to ask her something.

"Cole? Are you okay?"

He took a deep breath.

"Um...I know you don't know me that well, but I was wondering if maybe you would...um...if you wanted to do something. After work or something."

She thought about it. She didn't want to, not really, but she trusted Cole. Well, she trusted him not to drag her into a dark alley. Besides, she could probably take him if need be.

"I'm busy after work." she said. "But I have my lunch hour off. Would that work?"

"Sure."

He gave her a shy smile. It made him look a lot better.

"Go sit, okay? You don't look so well."

He did.

Five minutes later she sent him in to see Dr. Grey. When he was gone, she leaned back and wondered if this was a bad idea.

You idiot! Now you're going to get kidnapped or worse because you went and said yes!

She didn't think he would. He didn't strike her as the type. Hell, that one day, when their fingertips had touched, she'd been positive he'd pulled back first. He wouldn't do anything to her.

She hoped.

* * * *

Cole wasn't sure if he was dreaming or dead or what. He hadn't thought she'd say okay. But she had, and now they were sitting at a coffee shop watching the rain fall. The silence between them was a comfortable one, but Cole wasn't sure how to act, what to do or say.

The waiter refilled their coffees and shot an icy look at Cole. Cole dropped his eyes to his hands and kept his mouth shut.

"Cole? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"It's hell, huh?"

For a minute he didn't know what she was talking about.

Oh. Right. Heroin.

"Yeah, sometimes."

"You're doing good, Dr. Grey says."

"I guess."

She gave him a tight smile. He noticed she was gripping the cup hard enough to make her knuckles white.

"Are you scared of me?"

"No! Why would I be?"

He gestured to his arms.

"Oh. No, I'm not scared of you. What gave you that idea?"

He shrugged.

"I don't know."

"I'm not scared of you."

Her grip on the cup relaxed a little. Good.

He was trying not to screw this up, but he had no idea what to do. He hoped he was doing this right.

"What are you gonna do this weekend?"

"Try to get rid of this cold."

"How long have you been sick?"

"It just keeps coming back. I'm sick a lot."

"That's norm...that sucks."

"You get used to it."

"Do you have other hobbies?"

"I draw sometimes."

When my dad's not home to tell me it's 'sissy stuff'.

"You should bring something in! I'd like to see it."

"Maybe I will."

He took a sip of the coffee and burned his mouth.

"So you're going to be a nurse?"

"Yeah. I like helping people. Unless they're assholes." Cole snorted. "I'm serious! You meet them all the time-the jerk who cuts you off in traffic, the perv, um...there's more, I know there is."

"I know. Trust me, I know."

He leaned back in the chair, trying to look like he was relaxed.

"Cole."

"Yeah?"

"It's okay. They're not gonna throw us out or anything."

"Sorry."

She shook her head, but she was smiling. Cole bit his lip.

"Crap!"

"What? What is it?"

"I gotta get back to work!"

"Sorry for keeping you."

"Don't be sorry. I'm the one who needs to keep track of that."

The waiter dropped a check in front of them.

"Split it?"

"I'll get it."

"Thank you."

He shrugged.

"Want me to walk you back?"

"If you want to."

"Sure."

He kept a bit of distance between them.

"I'd like to do this again sometime." she said.

He hadn't been expecting that.

"Um, sure. Sure, I'd like that."

"Cool. I have to go in now."

"See you next week?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

She went inside and Cole went to his car. He didn't remember ever feeling this good-even when he was high.

### Chapter Twenty-Two

Nancy called in sick the next day. It wasn't a complete lie. She had a sore throat, anyway.

She microwaved a box of noodles and took it to the couch to eat it. She'd pulled the hide-a-bed out earlier that morning to make herself comfortable.

As she ate, she remembered that she had to write a paper.

Eh, it can wait.

She thought about yesterday instead.

It had been nice, actually. The last time she'd been out with anyone, she had been out with Janet, who drove her nuts sometimes. She loved Janet, really she did, but Jan was obsessed with celebrities and makeup and parties. Nancy had started declining her invitations more and more, and finally Janet had quit asking.

But Cole was different. Once you looked past the heroin use, he really was a very nice person.

No! No, no, no! Men only want one thing, and I don't want to do that anymore!

So why did she feel safer around him? Maybe it was because she wasn't alone in the office. She always felt safer when patients were there. That was all.

So find a new job and forget about him.

She'd grabbed a paper on the way home. It was sitting on the arm of the couch now, unopened.

She set her noodles down and picked it up. It felt oddly heavy.

There weren't any good jobs today-the best one was a worker for fast food. That wouldn't work out. She couldn't cook to save her life.

So what was she going to do?

She would worry about it in a few days. Right now she needed to sleep.

### Chapter Twenty-Three

Cole dropped back onto his bed. He'd taken a dose of medicine that night to help him sleep, but so far it wasn't doing anything. He looked at the clock. It was only five after nine.

Sean would be coming home tomorrow unless his flight was delayed. Cole hoped it would be. Hell, he hoped he wouldn't come home at all.

He'd taken his shot about an hour ago, but already he was itching. He thought about taking more, but he knew he'd regret it. Hopefully the medicine would kick in soon.

Yesterday had gone better than he'd thought it would. He had been expecting half an hour of awkward silence, at best. Maybe they could do it again in a week or two.

He wondered if he should try to keep in touch if-after-he kicked heroin.

I'll see how it goes, I guess.

He put the pillow over his face and prayed for sleep.

### Chapter Twenty-Four

Nancy looked at the day's paper. Even a part-time job would be better than the one she had. Then she could work short hours here until she found somewhere else. That would be fine as long as she had early hours.

There weren't too many jobs to be had, but there was one at a hotel down the block from her apartment. That might be okay. She would check it out tomorrow and see about it.

"Nancy?"

"Yes?"

"Have you seen your father lately?"

"No. Why?"

"Just curious. We go way back, you know."

"Yes, I know."

"Next time you see him, tell him I said hi."

"I will."

She forced a smile until he went into the back room.

I really hate that man.

When she got home she would shower and look at the hotel job.

### Chapter Twenty-Five

Cole prodded at his food. He really wasn't hungry, but Sean was sitting across from him and if he didn't eat, he'd be in trouble.

"Are you still sick?"

"It's almost gone."

Sean frowned.

"I'm worried about you, Cole."

Cole knew better than to ask why.

"You've been sick for a while. You wouldn't be trying to quit, would you?"

"No, Dad."

"Good. You're sure you're feeling okay?"

"Yes, Dad."

"Good. Finish your dinner."

Cole forced down a few more bites.

"I can't, Dad. My stomach really hurts."

"What's wrong with you?"

"I don't know, it just hurts."

Sean's eyes narrowed. Cole looked at his hands and swallowed. He could only hope that Sean wouldn't be too angry.

"Maybe you should skip your shot tonight."

It wasn't a suggestion.

"Okay."

"Go up to bed if you're feeling sick."

Cole nodded and stood up.

"Good night, Dad."

"Just go to your room."

Sean took a drink of his beer. Cole went towards the stairs. He made it to his room without incident. He wasn't looking forward to the morning. Withdrawal was a bitch. He thought about borrowing the bucket, but decided against it. It wasn't worth more pain.

His head was already starting to hurt. The achyness would only spread as the night went on.

Why me?

### Chapter Twenty-Six

Cole woke up shaking and sick. There was a note on his bedside table: shot's on the counter.

It hurt to drag himself out of bed, and for a minute he didn't think his legs could support him. He made it downstairs somehow and prepared his shot sitting on the floor. He didn't realize he'd taken all of it until the needle was empty.

Whoops.

He didn't care. It felt good.

He moved so he was lying down, using his shirt as a pillow. The tile was cold against his back, but it felt good at the same time.

It didn't take long for him to pass out there, his scarf still clutched in his hand.

### Chapter Twenty-Seven

Nancy looked at the hotel. She hadn't gone after work that one day-Janet had called and wouldn't shut up. So here she was, two days later, trying to get up the courage to go in.

Why am I so nervous? It's gotta be better than what I'm in now. Right?

She didn't move.

On three, I'll go in. One, two, three.

She took a deep breath and went in. It was cold in there.

The girl at the desk had brown hair and unfriendly eyes. Every few seconds she would pop her gum. Nancy didn't think she liked her very much.

"Yeah?"

"I'm here about a job?"

"Hang on. Lemme call the manager."

She turned around.

"Hey, Dan!"

A big man in his early forties came out. He was bald, but wearing a bad toupee. He looked nicer than the desk girl, but Nancy had to force herself to step closer to him.

"A job, huh? Come on back here and we'll have a talk."

It was all she could do not to bolt for the door. But there were people here-she would be okay.

There's someone else right there. Just relax.

She followed him into a back room. It smelled of coffee. The room was small and she had to shove her hands in her pockets so the manager-Dan-wouldn't see them shaking.

"What's your name?"

"Nancy Hale, Sir."

Oh, she wanted to get out of here. Now.

"My name is Dan Marx. And I'm not a comedian."

Nancy forced a smile.

"I saw your ad in the paper. I was wondering what the job entailed?"

"We're looking for a desk girl for Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. It would be in the afternoons, from around one to eight."

That's not bad. I could still manage school.

"What does the desk girl do?"

"Checks in the guests, handles paperwork, and deals with any questions or complaints the guests have. If they need new towels, you need to bring them up. Oh, and if they have any comments, you need to deal with those."

"Okay."

"You will have to take a training program, though, to learn how to use the computer."

"I'll think about it. Can I call you in a day or two when I've had some time?"

"Of course. The number's in the phone book."

"Okay. Thanks."

She couldn't get out of there fast enough. There was no way she was working at the hotel. She'd keep looking.

### Chapter Twenty-Eight

Nancy called the hotel two days later and declined the position. No need to keep them hanging.

Well, now what?

She was settled on the couch, channel-surfing, when the power went out.

There wasn't anything on, anyway. she tried to console herself. I'll just go to bed now.

She hated the dark. She knew it was silly, but she was scared of it. She blamed Dr. Grey.

After twenty minutes of sitting in fear on the couch, she made herself get up and find her flashlight. It was dead.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

It was suddenly very hard to breathe.

She fumbled around, looking for her lighter, anything she could use to make the dark go away, and found nothing. She sank to the floor and closed her eyes and tried to breathe.

It's okay, it's okay. In, out. In, out. Just breathe.

She couldn't breathe. It felt like her eyes were sewn shut and she curled into a ball in the corner. She could feel the cold tears racing down her cheeks. Her throat felt swollen. She was shaking and a few noises escaped her mouth that she did not recognize as her own.

The lights came back on.

Nancy blinked and looked around the room. It was nice and familiar-a stack of bills on one counter, her shopping list on the corkboard, and the box of rice she'd been making earlier. Her legs were too shaky to stand and she had to crawl to the bathroom to vomit. She eventually passed out on the floor there, curled into a ball with her hair over her face.

### Chapter Twenty-Nine

Cole came in Monday looking depressed and angry.

"Cole? Are you okay?"

"I fucked up." he said quietly.

"What are you talking about?"

"I fucked up. I took a full dose yesterday."

Nancy wasn't sure what to say. This happened frequently with recovering addicts, and the response was always the same. But she still had no idea what to say to them.

"I'm sorry." she said at last.

Cole didn't answer. Nancy made herself start on her paperwork again. Cole flopped into a chair, his hands gripping his hair.

"It'll be okay, Cole." she said.

She had no idea why she thought she needed to comfort him. She couldn't help it-he looked sick and disappointed and angry. He didn't acknowledge her at first.

"Is this normal?"

"Relapsing? Yes, it's normal. Every patient we've had-every patient like you-has relapsed once, usually more than once."

"Oh."

He looked a little less upset at that, and he curled farther into the chair and closed his eyes.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm a little better, thanks. How's class?"

"Busy. Tests."

"That sucks."

"Oh yeah. Big time."

He didn't say anything else.

"Dr. Grey's running late." she said, trying to make conversation.

"Is he?"

"Yes."

"Great."

She shut up. He obviously didn't want to talk. She looked at the clock above his head. Dr. Grey was running very late.

"Nancy?"

She jumped.

"Yes?"

"Sorry I startled you."

"It's okay. I was just kind of...out of it."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. Did you need something?"

"Do you have any cough drops?"

"Hang on...yes. Honey or cherry?"

"Honey, please."

She gave him one. One of his gloves had unraveled a bit and she could see a red mark on his finger. She repressed a shudder and went back to her desk.

"Thank you."

"Sure."

The door opened and Cole jumped. Nancy felt her heart rate speed up.

"See you next week. Cole, you can go back now."

Nancy went back to her paperwork. When the door shut, she pulled out the paper she'd picked up earlier. Maybe today there would be a good job offer.

* * * *

"How's it been going?"

"Not very good." Cole admitted.

"How so?"

"I messed up yesterday. I took a full dose by accident."

"Accident?"

"I wasn't paying attention and I accidentally took all of it."

"Where do you get your...supplies, Cole?"

"A friend of mine gets them for me." he lied.

"Does this friend know you're trying to stop?"

"No. He wouldn't take it very well."

"Did he get you started?"

"No."

"Then why wouldn't he take it well?"

"He has a problem with taking it alone."

"But he doesn't want to stop?"

"I have to go."

"Cole-!"

Cole ducked out and headed for the door.

"Cole, are you okay?"

He didn't answer her.

"Cole? Cole, wait up! Cole!"

He finally turned around.

"What?"

"Are you okay? Is everything okay at home?" He froze. Why would Nancy ask him that? "Cole?"

"Y-yeah. Everything's fine."

"Do you need a ride to the doctor's office or something?"

"No, I'm fine. Really. Just a little...a little tired, that's all."

She didn't believe him. That was bad.

"If you're sure you don't need anything..."

"I'm fine. I'll see you Thursday, okay?"

She only looked at him for another minute before nodding and walking back in. He thought about running after her and telling her the truth, but he doubted she'd believe him. No one else had. Why should she?

* * * *

What the hell is wrong with me? Nancy thought. Why'd I do that?

She had no idea why she'd run after Cole today. She had no reason to. It was for her best if she hadn't. But she had.

That was stupid. Now he's probably going to kidnap me and...

She clapped her hands. There was no need to get on that topic. Besides, heroin was notorious for killing sex drive, she would be fine. At least around Cole.

Still. It doesn't do that forever, one of these days...

She clapped again.

"Nancy? Are you okay?"

"One of those damn gnats." she said, trying to sound normal. "I can't kill it to save my life."

She started getting her things together. The lights went off.

"Is the power out?"

There was no answer. She swallowed.

"Dr. Grey?"

"Nancy, will you come back here? I can't see anything."

"I can't. I have to go to a job...I have to make up a test."

She grabbed her backpack and ran for the door. There was no way she was staying there any longer with the lights off.

### Chapter Thirty

There had been an ad for a dental secretary in the paper that day. The dentist's office was about twenty minutes from Nancy's apartment. Hopefully it would work out.

I can't keep freaking out like this! If I don't get a bad feeling, I'll take it.

The girl at the desk looked frazzled. Nancy felt bad for her-her first few months behind a desk had been a nightmare.

"Hi, I'm here about a job?"

"Right this way."

"What about the desk?"

"The office is right by it. Come on."

Nancy followed her back. She seemed very nice. A bit too loud, but she could deal with that.

"Okay...you're here to manage the desk?"

"Yeah. I work at a walk-in rehab clinic-it's not far from here, actually-but business has been a little slow and I think it's best I get out now. I really can't afford to not have a job."

"I know that feeling."

Nancy resisted the urge to lean back. She liked it here already.

"What would I have to do here?"

"Have you worked at a desk before?"

"Yes. That's what I'm doing now."

"About the same. Keep things organized, fill out papers, schedule appointments. Is that what you do at the...rehab clinic, right?"

"Yeah, that's about the same. Here's my résumé and schedules."

"Thanks. I'll look this over and call you soon, okay?"

"Sure. Thank you."

Nancy left. She felt better already. Hopefully she could work here instead of at the clinic. She thought she would like it here. She went home and, for the first night in several months, did not wake up to puke.

### Chapter Thirty-One

Nancy was on her way home from school a few days later when she realized she was out of cigarettes.

Great. I'll just keep going until I hit the gas station.

She got gum, cigarettes, and a lighter. She was about to check out when she spotted something else-pepper spray.

She picked up the little bottle. Dr. Grey's face flashed into her mind.

Should I?

She bought the pepper spray.

When she got home, there was a message on her answering machine from the dentist's.

"Hi, Ms. Hale, this is Mary Niece, from the dentist's office on Fifth. I'm calling to say that you can start as soon as you're ready."

She called back immediately.

"Sorry I wasn't home, I had to run to the store..."

"It's okay. When can you start?"

"Next Thursday."

"Good. See you then at one o'clock."

Nancy hung up, unwrapped the pepper spray, and put the bottle in her purse. She went to bed that night feeling safer and happier than she had in a year.

### Chapter Thirty-Two

Sean was drunk. He'd come home tipsy and continued drinking. Now he was stumbling around, a beer bottle in one hand. There were drops of beer scattered around the carpet. Cole was halfway towards the stairs when Sean shouted, "Where the hell are you going?"

"Bed. It's late."

"Get over here, Cole."

Cole didn't go.

"I'm tired. It's late, I'm going to bed."

Sean frowned.

"You talkin' back to me, boy?"

"No, I just..."

Sean went over to him and slumped against the wall.

"You just, you just! You're always just doing something you shouldn't!"

Cole kept his mouth shut.

"Next time I tell you to come here, you do what you're told!"

"Dad, I'm sorry...please don't..."

Sean grabbed the neck of his shirt and yanked him off the ground.

"Goddammit Cole, you never listen to me! What's it gonna take to get you to listen to me?"

Cole swallowed and shook his head.

"I'm sorry...Dad, please, just don't..."

Sean shook him. Cole risked putting his hands on his father's to try to get him to let go. Sean threw him onto the couch. The impact made him cough but he didn't move. He didn't speak, either. Hopefully Sean would stop now.

He didn't.

Cole pressed against the couch as Sean came over to him. He didn't think he could get around him to the stairs, and he didn't try.

"Dad?" he whispered.

"Stand up, Cole."

Cole did as he was told.

"Dad, I..."

"Where have you been going lately?"

"Nowhere, I swear."

"Tell me the truth."

"I am! I haven't been anywhere lately!"

Sean frowned.

"You'd better not be lyin' to me, boy."

"I'm not, I swear!"

Sean crossed the room and loomed over him.

"I don't like it when you talk back to me, Cole. And I don't like it when you lie to me. So tell me the truth."

Cole pressed back into the couch, wishing it would swallow him. It didn't.

Sean stood there, unmoving for several seconds, before grabbing Cole's wrist and yanking him off the couch. He clenched his teeth and kept his eyes downcast.

Just take it. That's all I can do is just take it.

"Why can't you just do as you're told, Cole?" Sean shouted at him. "Why?"

Just breathe, in and out. Just take it.

"Just like your mother."

Mom, where are you, why'd you leave?

"And what the hell is this?"

Cole looked up. Sean was holding one of his sketches in his free hand.

"It's a drawing..."

"A drawing?"

"Y-yeah."

"Sissies are the only ones who draw, Cole." Cole stayed quiet. "Did you hear me?"

"Yes, Dad. I heard you."

"Then why are you still doing it?"

"I forgot...I was just bored, that's all."

His wrist really hurt.

"Dammit, Cole, why don't you do what you're told?"

"I'm sorry...I just forgot, that's all." He swallowed and tried to tug his wrist free. Sean tightened his grip on it. "Dad, please, you're hurting..."

"Shut up."

"Dad..."

Sean dragged him up the stairs and shoved him into his room. Cole rubbed his wrist gently.

"How did I end up with you?" Sean asked. Cole didn't answer. Sean tilted his head back and finished his beer. "Just get to bed."

Cole went over to his bed and sat down. His wrist was throbbing and he couldn't wait for Sean to go to sleep so he could go downstairs and get a painkiller.

He never got the chance. Sean threw the beer bottle at him and left the room, slamming the door behind him. Cole heard the sound of the lock being set.

He waited a few minutes to make sure Sean wasn't coming back before digging the wrap Nancy had given him out of his backpack. It took him several tries to wrap his wrist enough to sleep.

Hopefully Dad will remember to unlock the door before he leaves tomorrow.

### Chapter Thirty-Three

Sean didn't unlock the door the next morning save for a few minutes to drop off a bag of heroin, a needle, water and a spoon.

Cole injected the full dose and started digging through his backpack for the clinic's card. There was no way he was going to be in today.

What if he never lets me out again?

That was ridiculous. Sean had never kept him in here for too long.

But what if he forgets about me or something?

Cole put that thought out of his head and dug out the card.

Why'd I just do that? There's no phone in here.

He shoved the card under his mattress and got out his sketchbook instead. It wasn't a real sketchbook-it was only paper that he'd found in the living room-but it worked for him. Any paper was better than no paper, even if Sean hated it when he drew things.

If he thought he could get away with it, he'd kill me.

He only half-doubted that thought. Sean was fond of telling him, "If I had proof you weren't mine, I'd throw you out in the cold." But he'd follow that statement up with a one-armed hug. The hugs were always too tight and Cole had taken to standing as still as possible until Sean let go.

What am I to him, anyway?

He didn't know. But, seeing as Sean wasn't here and there was obviously no way he was going anywhere, he could draw. Nancy had said something about wanting to see one of his sketches. He'd make one for her. That would be something to keep him busy, and hopefully keep her from being too upset at his not coming today. After checking one last time that Sean's car wasn't in the driveway, he got out his paper and a pencil stub. He was already regretting taking the full dose of heroin. He pushed that thought out of his head and went to work on a new sketch.

* * * *

Nancy was worried when Cole didn't show up. That wasn't like him-bruised or not, he was always there.

He's probably OD'd or something.

She wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. But, then again, he'd been sick lately. Maybe he was too sick to come in.

That's more likely. He forgot to call. Oh, well. There's other people.

Something struck her. There weren't other people. Unless they had a walk-in, there wasn't going to be anybody else for the rest of the day. And walk-ins had been pretty rare as of late. Nancy swallowed. She felt in her purse for the pepper spray and realized she'd forgotten it at home.

Why do I have to be so stupid?

She tried to look busy as the back door opened up.

"No Cole?"

"No...I don't know where he is. Maybe he's sick or something."

"What time is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

"Is anyone else due?"

"No, not unless we get a walk-in."

"We have time for lunch, then. Don't we?"

"I'm going to meet a friend from school. She's been sick the last few days and I want to help her catch up. Almost finals."

Dr. Grey frowned but didn't say anything. Nancy grabbed her purse and left quickly before he could get any ideas.

* * * *

Cole had spent most of the day sleeping or drawing. Sean was a few hours late and Cole wondered if he'd gotten in a car accident. He almost hoped so.

Should I be so lucky. He's probably just late.

He didn't really want Sean to be dead, but he didn't think he'd be sorry if he was. It would only be fair.

He looked outside again before taking the sketch out to look at it. He'd tried to make it happier than most of his other work, but it had come out dark all the same. He liked it, though. He hoped Nancy would like it, too.

There was the sound of the car coming up the driveway and Cole put his sketchbook back under the bed and lay down. He was starting to itch and he hoped that Sean had a shot for him.

"Cole! Cole, get down here!"

"I can't, Dad. The door's locked."

Sean came upstairs, unlocked the door, and went back downstairs. Cole dragged himself off the bed, used the bathroom, and shuffled downstairs.

"Hey, Dad."

"You take your shot?"

"This morning."

"Good."

Cole nodded. He wasn't sure if he should say something or keep quiet. Sean didn't seem drunk, which was a good sign.

"How'd work go?"

"Fine. Lousy traffic out there."

Cole forced a smile and took a few steps back.

"I'm not really hungry tonight. I'm gonna shower and go to bed, okay?"

"You feeling okay, Buddy?"

God, he hated that nickname.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Just a headache, that's all."

Sean frowned but let him go. Cole went back upstairs to take a hot shower. He needed to get out of this house, the sooner the better. Not for the first time, he picked up the razor blade. It was dull-the damn thing was always dull-and he put it back. There was no point in trying anything with a dull blade. All those made were little nicks. He did a quick shave and threw the blade out. When the water was cold, he got out, took the shot Sean had left in his room and went to bed with the radio on. He didn't sleep at all.

### Chapter Thirty-Four

Nancy was working on a file for a new patient when Cole came in. She was surprised to be happy to see him.

"Hey! Wasn't sure if you'd be here."

"Sorry I couldn't phone-I was at the doctor's most of the day."

"What's wrong?"

"Just that cold...I was getting a little worried."

He was stammering now and chewing his lower lip to pieces.

"And? How'd it go?"

"Fine. It's just a clingy cold, that's all. Thanks for asking."

"Mm-hm."

"Th-that reminds me. I-I brought something to show you."

She looked up. What could he possibly have brought to show her?

"What is it?"

He held a piece of paper out to her, keeping his fingers as close to the edge of it as possible. She took it and looked at it, not sure of what to expect.

It was a drawing, done with pencil. It was a picture of a man and a woman standing next to a lake, talking. Their reflections were visible in the lake, but they were skeletons. There was a school of what looked like piranhas swimming towards them. Nancy looked back up at Cole.

"Did you draw this?"

He wasn't looking at her now. He was looking at the floor.

"Yes."

"It's...are you some kind of professional?"

She wasn't joking. The sketch in her hand looked like it had taken months to do. She liked it.

"No. I'm not."

He looked very nervous.

"I like this. I like it a lot."

"You do?"

She nodded.

"You can keep it, if you want."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"Thank you." She stuck it in her backpack, thinking she'd have to find a frame for it. "How are you feeling?"

He shrugged.

"I'm okay, I guess."

She wanted to ask him how it was going with the withdrawals, but Dr. Grey chose that moment to get rid of his current patient and she had no choice but to send him in.

"Cole?"

"What."

"Thanks."

The corners of his mouth went up for a second, but they dropped quickly and he only nodded before disappearing into the back room.

* * * *

Cole didn't know how he answered Dr. Grey's questions properly.

Did she like it? She said she did...why do I give a damn, anyway?

A small voice in his head hissed, you like her, that's why. So do something else.

Dr. Grey sent him out. Nancy was outside digging through her purse. She had a cigarette in one hand.

"Lighter?"

She jumped and looked up.

"Oh-! Yeah, sure. Thanks."

He shrugged.

"I was wondering if maybe you wanted to...um...do something again. Sometime. Like coffee or something."

"Sure."

"Okay."

Wow. She said yes again.

"Is there any day that you're not...um...busy or anything?"

"Today. Or tomorrow. Any day, really."

"Today?"

"Yes."

"Could we do it today?"

"Ah, sure."

"Great. What time?"

"I get off in an hour."

"Um...okay."

"Wanna just hang out here for a bit? You don't have to, but it's kinda cold out here if that was your idea."

His original idea was to wait in a coffee shop, but staying at the clinic was fine. Probably better-he wouldn't get weird looks from other people. Hopefully he wouldn't get weird looks, anyway.

He followed Nancy back inside and dropped into one of the ugly yellow chairs.

"Do you want a cough drop?"

He shook his head. He didn't trust himself to say anything. But he would have to say something, because she wasn't watching him.

"No, I'm okay."

"You don't sound good, Cole. Are you sure you're up for this?"

Why did he always have to get butterflies when she said his name? They made his voice shake.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine."

She didn't look like she believed him, but she didn't press him. He was grateful for that.

Cole dropped his head back to look at the clock above Nancy's head. One-thirty. He closed his eyes some and looked at Nancy instead. Granted, the last time had gone well, but he still no idea what to say to her, how to behave.

He just hoped he wouldn't screw this up.

* * * *

Nancy stuffed her pepper spray bottle into her jacket pocket and silently thanked Cole for getting her out on time. Dr. Grey had not looked happy-she'd seen him leaning against the window, frowning, when they'd left. Now, though, they were walking down the street towards the new coffee shop that had opened last week. Cole had his hands shoved in his pockets and his head down. He looked like he was trying to blend in with his surroundings. Nancy wondered why.

The coffee shop was nearly dead, but it was warm inside. There were no pictures on the brown walls. Nancy had no idea why she'd said yes again.

This is stupid. It's not safe. I shouldn't be here-he'll kidnap me or something and then I'll be worse off than I am now.

But there was a little voice in the back of her head that disagreed.

Coffee arrived and Nancy dropped her eyes to look at it. As she did, Cole reached for his and his sleeve went up. There was a set of bruises on his arm.

"What happened?"

"What?"

She pointed. He promptly fixed the sleeve and said, "Nothing."

She didn't believe him. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Nancy wasn't sure what to say. She was nervous but not-nervous.

He isn't going to hurt you. Not like that. Heroin kills sex drive, remember?

With that comforting thought in her head, she looked back up at him. His eyes were trained on the cup in front of him. He looked terrified.

Well, at least I'm not the only nervous one.

"How long have you been drawing?"

"I don't know. Since I was a little kid."

"You're good."

"Thanks. How many years do you have left of school?"

"Several. Like...six, seven."

"Bummer."

"Well, I have two years down the drain."

They both laughed. Things were getting a little easier now.

Two hours and several coffees later, Cole mumbled something about having to go home.

"This was um...nice."

"Yeah."

"Can we...can we do this again next week?"

"Sure."

Why'd I say that? Why did I just say that?

"How's Thursday?"

"Okay."

He gave her a small smile and walked her back to her car. She felt safe. She liked this feeling of safety. Suddenly, Thursday seemed very far away.

"See you Thursday."

He nodded, turned around, and walked away. The safe feeling vanished and she hurried up to get in her car to go home.

What the hell is wrong with me? she thought. Why am I feeling like this about a junkie, a guy no less, who is no different than that asshole I work for?

She drove home, utterly confused and sure of one thing-Thursday was not going to come fast enough.

* * * *

Cole was lying on his bed, thinking about earlier, when Sean came in.

"What's this?"

He was holding up the wrap Nancy had put on his wrist a few weeks ago.

"It's a wrap. I found it under the sink a few weeks ago, for my sprained wrist..." His voice faded as Sean shook his head.

"We don't have any wraps, Cole. Remember? We tore the house apart looking for one when you fell."

"I didn't fall." Cole snapped. "You pushed me."

Shit, why did I just say that?

Sean frowned. Cole pressed against the mattress.

"Where did you get this, Cole?"

"Under the sink. I guess we missed it."

"No, we didn't. So where did you get this?"

"Fine! I went to the drugstore because my wrist was really hurting. That's all, I swear! I went straight there and came straight home."

Sean came over to the bed and stood over him. Cole looked at a spot on the wall, hoping and praying that nothing would happen.

"Cole Martin, I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but something is wrong with you. I did not say you could go to the drugstore. I would've picked something up for you if you needed it that badly. And now you're taking tones right and left with me, shutting your door...what the hell has gotten into you?"

Cole swallowed.

"Nothing, Dad. Nothing. I just didn't want to bug you at work, that's all."

Sean threw the wrap at him. It slithered to rest on his throat.

"Look at me, Cole."

Cole slowly brought his eyes up to meet his father's.

"Dad, I..."

"I don't like doing this to you, Buddy, but you won't learn if I don't teach you. Stand up."

"No."

"What did you say?"

"I said no."

Sean's lips formed a thin line as he slid his belt off. Before Cole could react, he'd been grabbed, jerked off his bed and thrust against the wall.

"You don't talk back to me. Now just stand still and take it for once and it'll be quick."

Cole didn't have to the strength to run. He could hardly stand and he ended up leaning against the wall.

"Take your shirt off. We don't have money for a new one right now."

Yeah, right. You just don't want me to go outside.

He did what he was told all the same and tossed the shirt onto his bed. The wall was freezing against his skin.

There was the familiar sound of the belt whipping through the air and he flinched when it struck his shoulders.

"Dad, please..."

"Shut up and take it."

He shut up. Five minutes later, Sean left the room without another word. He was bleeding but he didn't bother to stop it.

Why does he do this to me?

No answers came to mind and Cole fell facedown onto his bed. His back was throbbing and getting up to turn off the light seemed like too much work. He didn't bother. After lying there for half an hour, Sean came back, pulled the sheet over him, and turned off the light. Cole passed out not long after. He didn't sleep well-nightmares kept waking him up every few hours, and by three o' clock the next morning, he was working on a new sketch.

### Chapter Thirty-Five

"So? Who is he? Is he nice?"

"Jan, there is no he. I'm single and happy that way."

"You're a crappy liar."

"I'm not lying!"

"Nancy, when someone gets quiet and smile for no reason, there's a he involved. So who is it?"

Nancy shook her head.

"There is no he. Trust me. I should know-it's my nonexistent love life here."

Janet rolled her eyes.

"You need to date more."

"I'm fine, Jan." Nancy snapped.

"Jeeze. Someone's been alone for too long."

"Sorry. But really, quit nagging. There's no he, and I don't want to date right now. There's finals."

Janet rolled her eyes. Nancy went back to her sandwich.

Janet was right, though. Nancy had felt a little happier all morning, and when she'd gotten up she couldn't figure out why. Then she remembered. It was Thursday. Cole would be there today. The thought of his name made her smile again.

"You're doing it again!"

"Doing what?"

"Nancy Hale, are you having an affair with a married man?"

"No! Why would I do something stupid like that?"

"You're smiling randomly and won't tell me who it is!"

Janet would probably bug her all day if she didn't say something.

"Fine. I'm meeting someone today for coffee. He's very nice. Happy?"

"You like him!"

"I do not! If I liked him, you'd have met him."

"Is he one of your patients?"

"Jan..."

"Is he? Is that why you don't want to tell me?"

"It's nothing, Jan. He's just very nice and very funny and a good artist and..."

"You do like him! You're gushing! So? Is he a patient?"

"Yes."

"Oh, God. What's he on."

Janet did not look happy. Nancy shook her head. She would admit her friend was right, but she didn't get the vibe off of Cole that she got from some of the others. He looked like a lost little boy, not a man in an alley with a knife.

"Heroin. But Jan, you haven't met him, you wouldn't get it unless you did."

"Heroin? Nancy, are you out of your mind? He'll use you! That's what they all do!"

"You haven't met him. He's not like the others."

"They're all alike. You know that."

"Still. He's not. He just messed up, that's all."

Janet raised her eyebrows. Nancy ignored her. She wouldn't get it. Not unless she met him.

"Nancy, I just worry about you. I mean, a heroin addict..."

"I don't like him, anyway. Not like that."

"Does he have a name?"

"Cole Martin."

"You like him."

"What?"

"Say his name again."

"Cole Martin?"

"Yes. You like him. If you're smiling when you say his name, you like him."

"I don't like Cole."

"You're doing it again! You do."

Nancy flipped her off. Janet leaned over the table.

"Listen to me. Just be cautious, okay? I don't want him using you for his habit and dropping you."

"Thanks, Janet."

"That's my job as your best friend. Now be careful around him."

"I'm fine. I have pepper spray."

"Good girl."

Janet was right, of course, but Nancy really did like Cole. She liked the feeling she got when she was around him, like he'd keep her safe from Dr. Grey. Which was a ridiculous thought because he wouldn't be there forever and besides, men were all alike. He would side with Dr. Grey over her any day. She pushed those thoughts out of her mind. She didn't want to think of those things right now. Thursday was finally here.

* * * *

Nancy was paranoid that Cole wouldn't be there today, but he showed up five minutes early, just like always. She couldn't help the smile that spread across her face when she saw him.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"How's it going?"

"Okay. You know. You?"

"Fine. Busy."

"We still on for today?"

"Yes."

"Good."

He looked happy at that and signed in. He was stiff and she wondered what was wrong.

"Are you okay?"

He nodded and dropped into a chair, leaning forward. That wasn't like him. Maybe he'd hurt his back somehow. She was a little concerned.

"Um, Nancy?"

"Yes?"

"Can I have a cough drop?"

"Yes. Are you still sick?"

"Uh-huh."

She handed him a honey one and went back to her desk.

"Thanks."

"Yeah."

Cole leaned back a little more. Nancy went back to her paperwork, occasionally glancing up to check on him. She didn't know why she felt like she needed to check him. Maybe Janet was right. Maybe she did like him.

No! Do not go there! Janet is also right that he's hooked on smack, he'll just use you.

She didn't think Cole would do that. Otherwise she'd be getting the vibe from him that she got from the other heroin patients they had. She looked at the clock.

"Dr. Grey can see you now."

"Thanks, Nancy."

She felt pleasantly fuzzy when he said her name and shoved the feeling aside. She had no reason to feel this way. She went back to her papers, but she couldn't concentrate now. Oh, well. Those appointments never lasted very long.

* * * *

Cole's back hurt. He'd dumped more of his dose down the drain this morning and he was feeling the effects. Not to mention the belt marks on his back were on fire. But he didn't say anything to Nancy.

"What's wrong with your back?"

"What?"

"What'd you do?"

"Nothing...it's just withdrawals, that's all."

She gave him a sympathetic look.

"It's hell, isn't it?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it can be."

"Try a hot bath. Or a very cold one if you get itchy."

"Thanks."

"They help. At least, that's what I've heard."

"I'll try it. Thank you."

"Sure." There was a loose thread on his glove and he yanked it off. "Have you drawn anything else?"

"Not much. How's school?"

"Ugh. Finals are coming."

"That sucks."

"No kidding."

She swallowed and leaned back in the chair, looking at the rain. Cole took a sip of his coffee. He was tired and sore, but happy. And somewhat hungry. He picked up the sandwich in front of him and wondered when he'd last been hungry. Stress and that shit made sure he didn't eat much.

"Cole?"

He looked up.

"Are you okay? You're spacing out."

"Sorry. Just...I don't know."

"It's okay. You don't look so well. Maybe you should go home and get in bed. I can drive you, if you want."

"M'okay. Really."

He was touched by her concern, but he didn't want her anywhere near his house. What if Sean found out about her?

"You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

The rest of the afternoon was light conversation. Cole wondered if this counted as a date. He didn't want to ask Nancy. By the end of the afternoon, he was tired and in need of a fix. Now.

"I better go. It's getting late."

"Are you okay to drive?"

"I took the bus."

"You're sure you don't want me to drive you?"

"I'm fine." His voice came out a little harsher than he had intended and Nancy bit her lip.

"Okay. Just go home and go to bed. You look awful."

"Thanks, Nancy."

"Sure. Do you...do you want to do this again next week?"

"Sure."

Her smile made her eyes light up.

"Okay. Great. See you Tuesday."

"Yeah. Tuesday."

He watched her disappear into the crowd before heading for the bus stop. He wanted to run after her and tell her what was happening at home, but he wanted his fix more. Besides, she wouldn't believe him, or she'd say he deserved it. Just like everyone else.

### Chapter Thirty-Six

As the weeks went on, Tuesdays and Thursdays-and sometimes Mondays-were coffee days. Nancy liked them, even if Janet nagged her for them. Cole seemed to like them too, but every now and then he'd show up with a new bruise. She worried about him.

"Cole," she asked one afternoon, "who do you live with?"

"My dad. Why?"

"Do you two get along?"

Understanding flashed across his face, followed by...fear? Was that what that was?

"Yeah. We get along fine. I'm just a klutz. And the neighborhood we're in isn't that great, sometimes people get jumped."

She didn't believe him.

"Okay."

"Really. We get along fine, it's just a bad neighborhood. And I trip on everything."

He was speaking too fast and Nancy realized he was doing what she did when someone asked her how she was doing. He was trying to convince her everything was normal. She changed the subject.

"How's it going with the withdrawals?"

"Fine. You know, for withdrawals. You're on break now, right?"

"Yes."

"Is it fun?"

"For the first few days it was fun. But now it's boring."

He laughed but he was still tense. Maybe it was the withdrawal, but Nancy thought it had something to do with his dad. The few other times she'd brought him up Cole had clammed up for most of the day. She wasn't going to push him about this, but she wondered all the same.

She was starting to feel better. She was able to joke with the girls at the dentist's office now, and Janet wasn't quite so annoying.

"I really like these days." she said. Cole smiled a bit but didn't look her in the face.

"So do I, Nance."

She didn't know where he'd gotten that nickname. She liked it, though.

"How're you feeling?"

"I'm okay. The cold's gone, at least."

"Good. Have you been getting any sleep?"

"You don't need to fuss over me. I'm fine."

"Still."

"I'm fine."

He didn't look fine, but she didn't push the subject.

"Nance, are you feeling okay?"

"Yes, why?"

"You don't look so good."

"Just some busy days, I'm okay."

"The clinic's been busy?"

"Not really. My other job is, though."

"Other job?"

"Yeah. I work at a dentist's office part-time. They've been packed lately."

"That's good. Right?"

"Right."

"You look really tired, though."

"I'm fine. Just insomnia, that's all."

She couldn't tell him the truth, that she was having nightmares about Dr. Grey. That would freak him out. Or push him away for good, and she didn't want that. She would just have to get over it. Some way or another, she had messed up and paid the price. But that was over now, she needed to put it out of her head.

Cole was chewing his lower lip. Nancy noticed he did that a lot, usually when he wanted to ask her something important.

"Cole, are you okay?"

He nodded.

"Sorry. Spaced out." She toyed with her necklace and waited. "Um...Nance? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure. What is it?"

"We've been doing this for a while, right?"

"Yes."

Where is he going with this?

"I've been...kind of wondering lately...um..."

He swallowed and traced a pattern on the table. Nancy waited for him to continue. He didn't speak for several minutes.

"Cole?"

"What are we, Nancy? Friends, or...um...forget it."

He'd brought up a good point. What exactly were they? She knew he had a crush on her-it was obvious-but she didn't know what to say. If she was to believe Janet, she liked him back.

Am I ready for this? Is this a bad idea? This is a bad idea, men are assholes, no exceptions.

"I don't know. What do you think?"

He shrugged and continued tracing the flower on the table.

"I don't know."

She thought about it. Janet was probably right. But she really had no idea if she wanted to do this.

I feel safer around him. she thought. A lot safer. And we've never even shaken hands. He's not going to hurt me. But men...

"Forget I said anything."

"Cole..."

"Just forget it."

"No."

He looked up.

"I don't know either. I don't want to drag you into something you don't want to be in, but..." He took a drink of his coffee. "I like you. A lot. And I just wanted to know where we stand."

She nodded.

"I don't know, either. But I like you, too. A lot."

His smile made him look a lot more awake.

If that's the case, would you...I mean...willyoubemygirlfriend?"

She thought about it. He'd asked her-that meant she could get out of it if she started feeling creeped out.

Just do it. Worse comes to worse I get the vibe and get out.

"Yes."

### Chapter Thirty-Seven

Cole couldn't sleep at all. There were too many thoughts running through his head, but the main one was three words: she said yes.

He was happy and worried about this. She'd come close, much too close, to guessing the truth about Sean, and sooner or later he'd have to tell her about him. But not right now. He'd just have to steer clear of his father, something that was easier said than done.

About Sean...where was he? Cole had heard him come home a few hours ago, but he'd pretended to be asleep and Sean hadn't made him come downstairs. He was grateful for that. His back hurt.

"Cole? You up yet?"

Damn.

"Dad?" he called, trying to sound groggy. "When'd you get home?"

"A few hours ago! Come down here!"

Cole went downstairs. Sean was lounging on the couch with a pair of needles.

"Dad?"

"Come watch a movie with your old man."

He did not want to watch a movie, and he certainly didn't want to be that close to his father. He went over to the couch anyway and accepted a needle. The rush felt good but didn't last and he was left feeling pleasantly drowsy. He was vaguely aware of Sean's snoring and a minute later his breathing slowed and he passed out.

### Chapter Thirty-Eight

Nancy took a cigarette outside and met Mary on the sidewalk.

"Busy day."

"No shit."

Both laughed and Mary borrowed Nancy's lighter.

"Guess what."

"What?"

"My boyfriend proposed!" Mary squealed.

Nancy laughed and forced herself to give her friend a hug. She hated the feeling and quickly pulled back.

"Forgot I've had a sore throat for a few days."

"You're sick a lot."

"My neighbor has school-age twins, so everyone in my building is sick."

"That sucks."

"Tell me about it. So? When's the wedding?"

"We don't know yet. Soon, I hope."

"Good. Are you making a fuss or just a little thing?"

"I want a big one, but he doesn't. We'll probably meet halfway."

"That's good."

"I don't have my ring right now. We had to get it sized."

"What is it?"

"A really big diamond!"

"Don't hurt anyone with it, okay?"

Mary grinned and slumped back against the wall.

"How's Cole?"

"Cole's good. You know, for him."

She hadn't told Mary much about Cole, only that he was very quiet and frequently sick.

I'm not single. It's kinda nice to not be single.

She had fooled herself into thinking that it was good being single, but now that she wasn't, she could see what she'd been missing. Little jokes, this constant happy feeling, and being unable to sleep out of happiness instead of fear.

I hope this lasts, she thought. I like this feeling.

Tomorrow was Thursday, she remembered. Good. The end of her work week and the day that she got to see Cole. Life was good.

### Chapter Thirty-Nine

Cole needed a nap. He and Nancy had decided on the park instead of a coffee shop today-she was off early for some reason. They'd gotten popcorn and coffee and were settled down on a large bench. His back was hurting really badly right now. Sean had thrown him into the wall last night for talking back and now he was having trouble sitting up.

"Nance? Would you mind if I lay down?"

"Of course not. Are you feeling okay?"

"M'okay. Just kind of drained. You know how it is."

She nodded sympathetically and moved over so he had room. It was raining hard today and he pressed up against the back of the bench.

"Cole? Are you sure you're not sick?"

"I'm fine. You know, for me."

She threw a few pieces of popcorn at the birds. Cole sighed and looked out at the trees. He would have been happy to stay here forever.

"Nance?"

"What?"

"Are you okay? You look really tired."

"I do?"

"Yeah."

"I'm fine. Really."

A bird flew up inches from his face and he jumped. He lay back down again, feeling very stupid.

"It's just a bird."

"Wasn't expecting it. Sorry."

She smiled and shook her head.

"Are you sure you're feeling okay...what did you do?"

"What?"

She pointed at his collarbone. At first he couldn't figure out what she meant, but then he remembered. For once, it really had been an accident. A coffee mug had fallen out of the cupboard and hit his collarbone. He guessed it had bruised.

"A cup fell on me. I probably stacked it wrong or something."

He lay back down on the bench, looking at the children playing in the puddles.

"Cole? Who's that?"

"Who's who?"

"Over there. See that man? He's looking at you."

Cole looked up, wondering who she was talking about, and froze.

Sean was standing twenty feet away.

"Want to go inside? It's really cold out here."

"Cole?"

"Please?"

"Um, yeah, I guess. Who is that?"

"No idea." he said. His voice was shaking and he hoped Nancy didn't pick up on it. She did.

"You look like you've seen a ghost."

"Not feeling too well."

"Are you sick again?"

"Maybe. I get sick a lot. Let's just go inside, okay? It's freezing out here."

"Cole..."

"Please?"

Please, please don't let her go over there and find out...

"Sure. Maybe you should go home."

"I'm okay. Just feeling a little sick, that's all."

She raised her eyebrows but said simply, "Okay."

"Thanks, Nance."

"It's nothing. If you need to go home..."

Home was the last place he wanted to be. He thought he would be sick.

No! No puking! Then I have to go home because she'll think it's the flu and I'm not supposed to pass it on...oh, Jesus Christ.

"M'fine. Really. Just cold, that's all."

His mouth was dry and he wanted to turn around and see if Sean was still watching them. But then Sean might come over and that would be bad.

He was in a heavy, frightened daze for the rest of the afternoon and Nancy finally threatened to drag him into her car and drive him home if he didn't go on his own.

"Cole, it's best if you just go home and get in bed. You can either go on your own or I'll drag you there."

"I don't think you can."

"I may be short, but I can take you!" she insisted, putting her hands on her hips. "Just try me!"

"All right, all right, I'm going. I'll see you...Monday, I think, is my next one."

"Good. Be careful. Stack the cups right next time, okay?"

"Okay. See you soon."

I hope.

"Bye, Cole."

* * * *

Cole had an hour to himself before Sean's car pulled into the driveway. He did not go downstairs to greet him.

"Cole! Cole, get down here now!"

He swallowed, moistened his lips, and went downstairs. He was screwed now.

"Who is she?"

"She?"

"Don't even try to play dumb, boy. Who is she?"

Just leave her name out of it.

"M-my girlfriend."

"Where did you meet her?"

There was no point in lying.

"There's a rehab clinic I've been going to. I met her there."

"I wondered what that little building was. I thought it was a whorehouse."

Cole shook his head.

"No."

"Well, Cole, it's nice that you've told me the truth. But you've still broken the rules. You've been out. And from the looks of things, you've been out for a while now."

For a minute, Cole wondered if Sean would hobble him or something.

No, no, he's not that crazy. Besides, that was just a story.

Sean set his briefcase down and stepped over to Cole. Cole swallowed and closed his eyes. Hopefully all he would get was a bruised rib, at the most. Sean had been going a little easier on him lately because he was sick.

"Cole, I'm happy that you told me the truth. But you still broke the rules, and I'm gonna have to take you up for that."

"Dad, I'm sorry."

"I know. It's for your own good, you know that. It hurts me more than it does you."

You sick fuck, what do you know about hurting?

But he didn't say anything, didn't open his eyes. He didn't need to. The sound of Sean's fist whistling through the air was enough.

* * * *

Nancy was scared for Cole. If she'd had his phone number she would have called him. He'd looked terrified when she pointed out that man, and all those bruises...

He lives with his dad. Surely his dad isn't...

No, that was silly. She'd known someone who was abused and they'd been in much worse shape than Cole was.

But what if...he's a junkie, of course he's gonna wear long sleeves. Surely he's not trying to hide bruises, too...God, what if he tried it as an escape and got hooked?

She'd see him Monday and ask him straight up. He'd told her before he would tell her anything she asked. She was probably just overly paranoid,

searching for a reason to explain his addiction

there was no reason to worry. He'd tell her she was being silly and that would be the end of it.

She put the thought out of her mind and thought about work. It was going well-she liked working at the dentist's-and Dr. Grey had barely spoken to her for weeks.

Maybe I'm better now. Maybe I'm doing something right and he's not going to hurt me again.

The idea made her smile.

Life is good now. I'll just keep doing what I'm doing and it will stay good. I won't talk to Dr. Grey more than I have to and he won't hurt me again.

She hoped.

### Chapter Forty

It was Sunday night. Cole was sitting in the bathroom with the door locked and a razor in his hand. He'd taken one last fix, stuck a letter to Nancy in the mailbox and written a quick note for Sean. He didn't have any other choice. Sean had announced that he was taking a few weeks off of work to 'keep an eye' on Cole, starting Tuesday. There was no way he'd be able to get out of the house, and who knew if he'd survive those few weeks of vacation? The beating he'd gotten Thursday had left him unconscious for most of Friday and even now he was bruised beyond belief. It was a miracle nothing was broken, but he suspected he had bruised ribs. There was no other choice but to get out now, while he still had the chance and a new razor blade. He just hoped Nancy wouldn't be too upset.

"Nance, m'sorry." he mumbled to nothing in particular. He was on the wakeful part of the high now, but he was starting to get a little groggy. Better get this over with before Sean told him to get out of the bathroom already. Or worse, found the note before he finished here.

He pulled his shirt off, picked up the blade and positioned it against his wrist. His hands were shaking and he willed them to be still.

He looked once more at his reflection-

sick and pale and I don't deserve to be here anymore

-and pressed down on the blade. There was a sharp slice of pain but he ignored it. He was used to pain.

He started dragging the blade down, but his hands were shaking too much-or maybe he was getting too deep into the tired part of his high-and the blade swerved from the main vein.

I really can't do anything right. I can't even kill myself right.

He couldn't grasp the damn razor again. He'd failed this time.

Oh god, what if dad comes up and sees the note in my room or sees me here?

He grabbed his shirt and pressed it to the bleeding gash on his wrist. The pressure made it hurt even more than it was already and he clenched his teeth to keep quiet. He needed to get to his room.

The hallway seemed endless, but he managed to get into his room and lay down on the bed, his shirt steadily growing darker with blood. His breathing was slowing and he thought sickly, maybe I'll bleed to death anyway.

It was his last conscious thought before passing out, his suicide note to his father hidden under him and his wrist continuing to bleed.

### Chapter Forty-One

"My God, Cole." Nancy whispered. "What did you do to yourself?"

Cole froze and slowly brought his eyes up to Nancy.

She didn't notice...surely she didn't...

But she was looking at his wrist. His sleeve had slipped up reaching for his coffee.

"Slipped with a knife..."

"You tried to kill yourself?" He swallowed and didn't answer. "Answer me."

"It's not what you think..."

"Why did you do this?"

He shook his head. He couldn't speak. He wanted to run, but he doubted he could even stand up. All he could do was stay here and hope that Nancy wouldn't be too mad at him.

"I'm sorry, Nance, please don't be mad at me."

"Why would I be mad at you?" Surely the concern in her voice wasn't for him. But it had to be. "I'm not mad at you. You didn't do anything."

He rested his head on the table. The glass felt nice against his skin.

"Why did you do this?"

"It's nothing..."

"Cole, you tried to commit suicide! That's something! Now what's going on? Is it the withdrawal?"

If only.

"No."

"Then what's wrong?"

In answer he pulled his sleeve up the rest of the way and waited for her to say "Oh." and forget about it. She didn't.

"What happened?"

"I got grabbed."

He risked looking up at her. Her face was confused, putting things together.

"Did you dad do this?"

He dropped his head and mumbled, "Yes."

"Is this a regular thing?"

"Sometimes."

He didn't recognize the voice as his own.

"How long?"

"Long time."

"Come on."

"Where are we going?"

"My apartment. You're not going home to that. You're sick, you did that-" she pointed at his wrist "-and you can't go home to a place that you're getting beaten up. Come on."

He couldn't do anything but follow her. He felt confused and guilty and relieved. Mostly confused. Why was she doing this?

"Nance?"

"Hang on. I have to go bang on the car. It's cold. Get in."

He obeyed. It was a semi-nice car. The seats were soft and there was a stain on one of them. There was a banging noise and Nancy got in.

"There. She should start."

"She?"

"Yeah. We're gonna run by your house first to get your clothes, and then we're going home. You need to lie down, maybe take a couple of painkillers."

He gave her directions and leaned back.

"You can recline the seat if you want."

"You don't mind?"

"Of course not."

He did. Nancy was humming to the radio. He closed his eyes and concentrated on that.

"Thank you."

"Shh. You don't sound like you should be talking."

His throat did hurt and he shut up. It was an effort to stay awake.

* * * *

Nancy had trouble keeping her eyes on the road.

He tried to kill himself...good god, he tried to commit suicide!

Cole was nearly asleep in the seat, his wrist only too visible. The sight made her sick.

"Is this it?"

"Y-yeah. Yeah, it is. If you don't want to do this, just drop me here..."

"No!"

He shrank back at her raised voice but said quietly, "Okay."

She wondered if she was crazy, bringing a man into her house, into her safe zone. But she couldn't, in all good conscience, leave him in this house. What if he ended up beaten to death?

"Dad's at work, he shouldn't be back for another hour."

"Okay."

She didn't want to meet his dad. She didn't know if she'd be scared or furious. Probably both.

Cole let them in with a barely-used key and said, "I'll be down in a minute, I just have to get my stuff together."

"Sure."

It didn't even cross her mind that he'd shoot up. He didn't look like he wanted to be here.

"Do you need help?" she called.

"I'm fine!"

She turned around to look at the pictures on the wall. They were mostly professionally done, with Cole and a man that she guessed was his father dressed in formal clothes and standing in typical father-son poses. Sean was smiling in all of them. Cole was not. There was only one that he was smiling in, and that one had a woman she presumed was his mother in it.

"She left when I was seven."

Nancy jumped, feeling as though she'd been prying into things she shouldn't have, and turned around.

"Ready?"

"Yeah."

"That was fast."

"I don't have that much."

He was holding two backpacks, a second-hand duffel bag, and a pillow.

"Come on. Let's get going, get you in bed."

He followed her outside, quiet as a ghost, and put his possessions in the back of the car.

"I left a note for my dad saying that I moved out." he said, sounding guilty.

"Good. You sure you have everything?"

"Yes."

"Okay. We'll be at my place in about an hour, if you want to nap."

His eyes were already closing and he lay his head back.

"Thanks, Nance."

"Sure. I'll wake you when we get there."

He nodded a little and let his breath out.

"Do you want to see a doctor for stitches?"

"No, no...it's fine. I don't care anymore."

"Okay."

The rest of the ride was silent.

* * * *

Nancy started on dinner fifteen minutes after they got in.

"You need to eat, take some cold medicine, and get to bed. Tomorrow's going to be hell."

"It is?"

"Yes. Sit down."

"I can help..."

"No."

He sat down and looked around the kitchen. It was small, brown, and homey.

"What are you making?"

"Macaroni and cheese."

"Okay."

"I want to wrap your wrist really quick, okay? To make sure it doesn't get infected."

"It's fine."

"No. It's not fine. It'll take less than a minute to do it."

He didn't have the strength to argue with her and he flopped forward and rested his head on the table. Nancy came over a few minutes later with a bowl and a glass of milk.

"The macaroni is really bad for you, but maybe it'll get some weight on you."

He smiled.

"Thanks."

"Sure. After this you should take a shower, then I'll wrap your wrist and you can go to bed."

She hadn't asked for specifics about Sean, and he was grateful for that. He wasn't ready to tell her yet.

Dinner was a hot, cheesy, gooey mess. It was delicious.

"Done?"

"Mm-hm."

"You get enough?"

"Yeah. Thanks."

"Sure. Go shower."

He went without another word.

* * * *

Nancy had just finished putting the hide-a-bed together when Cole came out. His hair was damp and he was in a tee-shirt and sweats. His gloves were gone. She had never seen him in a tee-shirt-or gloveless, for that matter-and the sight made her jaw drop.

Cole's arms and hands were covered in scars, some from needles, others from unknown objects. His skin was white, with purple bruises and red marks scattered along the length of his arms and hands. She forced herself to look him in the eye, but he wasn't looking at her. He was looking at the floor instead.

He must really feel sick or he'd be wearing his sweater. Or at least his gloves.

"Cole?" she asked gently. He raised his eyes. "Does that look like enough blankets?"

He looked at the bed for a minute.

"Yeah. Thank you."

"Sure. Check your fever, okay? I'm going to get you some cold medicine."

She gave him the thermometer and went into the other room. When she came back, he was sitting on the bed, looking at the bandage on his wrist.

"What is it?"

"Hundred and three."

"Here. Drink this and go to bed."

He took the little cup from her, drank its contents, and got under the blankets.

"Thanks."

"That should kick in about...fifteen minutes, I think. Maybe twenty. Just get comfortable and sleep while you can."

"Thanks, Nance."

"Night."

She put a bucket by the bed, got him a glass of water, and flicked off the light.

After a hot shower, she went to her own room and locked the door. You never knew what would happen. Despite the precaution, she didn't sleep at all that night.

### Chapter Forty-Two

Nancy brought the coffee maker into her room at six forty five the next morning. Cole was still asleep, buried under the blankets. She hoped he would stay that way. After two cups of coffee and a hot shower, she went out again to get her backpack. She was almost back to her room with it when there was the sound of retching.

Great. Cole was awake. She put her backpack in her room and went into the living room.

Cole was leaning over the bucket, throwing up. Nancy stayed in the doorway.

"Cole?"

He lifted his head. He didn't look good. He was paler than usual and his eyes were half-closed.

"N-Nancy? When'd you get here?"

"Cole, you're in my apart-"

But he was puking again. Nancy didn't move. Eventually he collapsed, half-off the bed, his hair in his face.

"Please...Dad left the stuff on the counter. Just bring it here, I can make it myself..."

Here we go. The cravings.

"Cole, you're at my apartment. Remember? We came here yesterday. You're going through withdrawal."

"Please..."

She came a little closer.

"Cole? Did you hear me?"

He puked again. Nancy gave up and took the bucket to wash it out. When she brought it back, Cole was asleep. She put the bucket back and went into her room. It was best to leave him be-no matter how nice he was, he was still a withdrawing heroin addict. She had no idea what he would be like when he woke up again.

Hopefully he'll just stay asleep.

She started in on her math homework, keeping an ear out for any more puking.

* * * *

When Nancy came back into the room a few hours later, Cole was still asleep. He had not puked again. He had, however, squirmed out from under the blankets and his shirt had ridden up. His back looked no better than his arms-if anything, it looked worse. It, too, was covered in bruises and scars, but these looked like they from something besides a needle.

Good God, what happened to him at home?

There was a set of three bruises in the middle of his back. Nancy couldn't tell what they were from. Maybe he'd been thrown into something.

He was shaking and she forced herself to step closer to him. She couldn't bring herself to fix his shirt-that was too close-but she pulled the blanket back over him. He groaned and hugged his pillow.

Poor thing.

She went back into her room. Standing there watching him wasn't going to make him get through this faster.

"Nance?"

She almost didn't hear him. She went back out to see if she was imagining things.

"Cole? Are you up?"

"Y-yeah."

"How's it going?"

"Hurts. And it's cold."

She nodded.

"The worst of it should be over in another day or two. Do you think you can hold down some water?"

"No."

His voice was weak and he did not let go of the pillow.

"What about a hot shower? Could you manage that?"

He did not say anything for a few minutes. Finally, he nodded.

"Maybe."

"Want help?"

"M'okay."

Nancy hung back, debating on what to do if he fell. He didn't.

"M'fine. Honest."

"Go on. Be careful and don't crack your head on anything."

He didn't smile. He only slipped into the bathroom. A second later, Nancy heard the door lock.

* * * *

Cole lay on the shower floor, feeling the water on his skin. He'd turned it up as hot as it would go, but it didn't feel hot. It just made him feel numb. Better numb than cold, he guessed.

He had raided the medicine cabinets for something, anything to ease the cravings, but all he'd come across was baby aspirin. He'd taken eight and puked them ten minutes later.

Dammit.

He needed a fix. Now. He would've given anything for even half of his regular dose.

He became aware that the water was cold and he got out. He felt a little better. At least the aching wasn't as bad.

"Cole? Are you okay?"

"Fine...I'm fine."

He pulled on a long-sleeved shirt. He hadn't missed Nancy's expression when he'd been in a tee-shirt. Not that he blamed her. It took him several minutes to open the door-why had he locked the damn thing in the first place?-and the effort exhausted him.

"Done?" Nancy called.

Cole jumped. He hadn't realized she was right down the hall.

"Yeah."

"Come on, you need to be back in bed. You look awful."

What do you expect me to look like? he thought. I'm withdrawing from fucking heroin, of course I look awful.

He kept his mouth shut and went to lie down.

"I'm going to bring you a glass of cranberry juice, okay? I want you to drink as much of it as you can."

"Why?"

"It'll help, trust me. Get comfortable."

He curled up under the blankets and closed his eyes. He wanted to sleep. His stomach clenched and he had just enough time to hang his head off the bed before he threw up. Nancy came back in with a glassful of reddish liquid. It looked like blood to Cole, but at the moment he didn't care. He just wanted to sleep.

"Okay...maybe water first, rinse your mouth out."

He hadn't touched his water more than he could help, but he took a sip anyway and spat it out.

"Good. Get comfortable. I'll leave your juice by you if you think you can drink it."

"Where are you going?"

"To wash the bucket out."

"I can get it..."

"No. Moving will make you feel worse."

She took the bucket and left again. Cole reached over for the cranberry juice.

Might as well do what the doctor ordered.

For some reason that thought struck him as funny.

Great. I'm going crazy.

He drank some of the juice, grimaced, and put the glass down. It didn't taste very good-too sour.

Nancy came back, set the bucket down, and moved to go.

"Nancy?"

"Yes?"

"Will you stay here? Please?"

She didn't move for a minute, but then she came over and sat down on the other side of the bed, keeping as much space between them as possible. He rolled over. He couldn't help it-he was always unnerved when he couldn't see the person behind him.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Cole. Don't worry."

"Sorry."

"Shh. It's okay, just try to go to sleep."

He nodded and pulled the blankets up over his head. The pleasant effects of the shower were wearing off.

God, I need a fix. Please, please. I'll do anything for it.

He could hear Nancy scribbling on a piece of paper. When he looked, he could see a math book. Bummer. He pulled the blanket over his head again and listened to the sound of pencil on paper. It soothed him and he eventually managed to get to sleep. He did not sleep well.

* * * *

Nancy set down her math book and glanced over at Cole. He hadn't moved since he'd rolled over earlier. She felt sorry for him-he looked like he was hurting.

"No, no, please stop..."

"Cole? It's okay, you're dreaming."

He groaned and rolled onto his side, his hair falling in front of his face. He was shaking.

"I'm sorry, just please..."

She didn't want to wake him up. Withdrawal was bad enough without being awake. She was surprised he was able to sleep at all-it was probably because he was sick.

"Please, no..."

"Cole, it's okay. You're okay, you're dreaming."

"Dad, m'sorry..."

"Wake up."

He curled into a ball and whispered, "Please, stop..."

"Cole. Cole, wake up. You're dreaming."

She had no intention of shaking him, but she didn't want to let him suffer like this.

"Please, please, stop, I'm sorry..."

"Cole, wake up."

As Nancy watched him he sat up and puked. His eyes came to rest on Nancy and he scrabbled back.

"Sorry...I didn't mean..."

"Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything."

He rolled over and pulled the blankets over his head. Nancy got up to wash the bucket out. When she got back, Cole had not moved. She wasn't sure if he was asleep or not, but she didn't want to find out. She took her math book and her homework and went to her room, where it was safe.

### Chapter Forty-Three

Cole spent the next few days alternating between sick sleepiness and dope sick insomnia. He didn't remember very much of it, only that if the phone rang his head would hurt for an hour or more. By Thursday he was able to see straight and the aches were fading. Nancy was not home when he woke up, but she'd left him a note.

Had to go to work. Bucket's by you. There's cranberry juice in the thermos on the table. -Nancy

Cranberry juice did not sound appetizing. He rolled over and made himself get up. He wanted a shower.

The water was hot but he had to avoid getting his wrist wet. Well, he was pretty sure he did, anyway. He'd ask Nancy when she got back what he was supposed to do about it.

God, he wanted a fix. He would have settled for half of his regular dose right now. Maybe even a quarter of his regular dose.

No! No, I don't want any more. Then I'll end up moving back in with Dad and I definitely don't want to do that.

But the fix...the high...oh, Jesus, what he would give to feel that one more time. Just one more time.

"Cole? Cole, are you up?"

He hadn't realized it was so late.

"Yeah, I'm up."

"How're you feeling?"

He went out into the living room to go find her.

"M'okay. Haven't puked, anyway."

"How's the cravings?" He shook his head. If he didn't think about them, maybe they would go away. "Okay. Go sit down, check your fever, and I'll be in in a minute."

He went. Nancy came in a few minutes later with a roll of gauze.

"You really should get stitches for this. It'll scar up."  
"I don't care at this point. I really don't. I'll be in long sleeves forever anyway, I really don't care."

She shook her head.

"What's your temperature?"

"Ninety-nine point three."

"That's better."

"I guess."

"Hold out your arm and don't move it."

He did. She unwound the bandage, being careful not to touch him. The gash was an angry red, with ragged edges. Cole didn't want to look at it and be reminded of what he'd done. He looked at his hands instead. They were shaking.

"Almost done. Keep it dry, for the most part."

"Okay."

"Good. Think you can eat something."

"No. How was work?"

"Fine. A little busy."

"What time is it?"

"A little after three."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Wow."

His arm was itchy and he moved to scratch it.

"Don't."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not good for you to scratch. It's like a mosquito bite. Scratching doesn't help."

"But..."

"No. Don't scratch."

He frowned but lay back on the bed with his eyes closed.

"Itchy."

"That's normal. But don't scratch."

"What happened the last few days?"

"You were either passed out or raving about all sorts of things. You were kinda out of it."

"What day is it?"

"Thursday. Sorry I wasn't here this morning-since you weren't awake or puking I didn't figure I needed to call off work."

"You called off work?"

"Of course! Withdrawal's a bitch without having to handle it on your own."

He nodded. What little he did remember was not pleasant.

"Thanks, Nance." he said quietly. "You didn't have skip work just because of me."

"Don't be silly. Are you sure you don't want to eat? Not even some noodle soup, maybe?"

"Maybe..."

"Chicken or chicken?"

He managed a smile and pretended to think about it.

"Chicken, please. I'll get it..."

"No. It takes five minutes at the most, unless I have to beat on my microwave."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"Okay..."

"Good."

Cole rolled over. God, he needed a fix. Now. He couldn't get the memory of the high out of his head. Maybe if he concentrated on it, he could would feel better. Get a phantom high, as it were. That would be better than nothing, and maybe it would help him sleep.

He couldn't really remember the feeling and after a few minutes he gave up. His back was killing him.

Nancy came back in with a cup. Whatever was in it smelled okay. Maybe it would stay down. He sat up and leaned back against his pillow. Nancy handed over the cup and sat down on the other side of the bed with the remote.

"TV?"

"Sure."

"Cartoons?"

"Okay."

He couldn't hold the fork and the cup at the same time.

"Nance?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have a desk or something I could set this on?"

"Lemme see. You may have to use one of my textbooks."

"Okay. I can get it..."

"You're fine. Just sit still."

He managed to set the cup down without spilling any of the liquid. There was the sound of rummaging through a bag in the other room.

"Nance?"

"Hang on...found it!"

She came back with a textbook.

"Here. All good?"

"Yes. Thanks."

"Yeah."

"Aren't you going to eat anything?"

"No, I got some food while I was at work. By the way...is anything broken? Is the, ah...is your wrist the only thing that's injured right now?"

He thought about mentioning his back but thought better of it.

"No, that's all."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah."

He just wanted silence. And a fix.

No! No, I don't want a fix. I don't.

But he did want one. If he'd known where Sean picked the shit up he would've gone over there to get some.

"I have to make some calls, okay? Do you need anything before I go?"

"No, I'm okay. Thanks."

She went away and Cole turned off the TV.

### Chapter Forty-Four

Nancy picked up the phone and looked at it for a long while. Dr. Grey had asked her to have lunch at the office with him today, and she had run for it. She had made it out the door before he could come out and driven home, but now she was scared about going back. She'd never run off before.

Just do it. Call the number and say you quit. You have another job, so quit this one and leave the fucker behind.

But she knew he lived close to here-she'd run into him a few times on the street. All the same, she knew she had to get out.

She dialed the clinic's number.

"Hello?"

"Dr. Grey?"

"Nancy! Where are you?"

"Home. I quit."

"What?"

She hung up.

Oh my God, what did I just do?

She swallowed and slid to the floor in front of her door, the phone falling from her hands.

I quit. And I think that it was for the best. Five minutes to calm down and then go back out to make sure Cole's okay. Just stay busy.

She ended up needing fifteen minutes to settle down. She wasn't going to mention this to Cole, but she was worried about running into Dr. Grey. It had happened before, what if he did something to her? Or followed her home?

Even if he does, there's two people here now, he can't do anything.

That was assuming that Cole would stay here. She had no idea if he would or not.

For argument's sake, he is going to stay here-at least for a while-so quit worrying and go out there.

She had to use the doorknob to pull herself up off the floor. After another minute of waiting to make sure she wouldn't fall, she left her bedroom.

### Chapter Forty-Five

Something was wrong with Nancy. She was overly chipper and unable to stay still for more than a few minutes.

"Nance? Are you okay?"

"Fine, just fine."

"You sure?"

"I'm fine. Do you need anything?"

"No, thanks. Nancy, are you sure you're..."

"I'm fine. Really. Just...ah...just got my grades for last semester. Kinda relieved about the math one."

"You're not good at math?"

"Not algebra. I hate algebra. It should be illegal."

"It's not that bad."

"It is that bad! I'm never going to use it again, why do I have to learn it?"

"If you need help, just ask me. It's not that hard."

"It is that hard."

"Whatever you say, Nance."

"Don't mock me!"

"I'm not mocking you. I'm telling you the truth."

"Liar."

Cole rolled his eyes and made himself comfortable. The itching was going down now, and so was his headache. But he was worried about Nancy. If it was her grades she was happy about, that was normal, but she was acting more nervous than happy. She was talking too fast and she kept checking the door locks for some reason. He wondered why.

None of my business. If she wants to tell me, she will.

But he was worried anyway.

### Chapter Forty-Six

It was another month and a half before Cole's cravings started to ease up. It was two more months before he started flipping through the paper for job options.

"You like to draw. Maybe there's jobs available for a freelance artist."

"I don't know who's gonna hire me, though. I mean...with these." He gestured to his arms. "With that kind of history, I don't know if anyone's going to take me on for anything."

"You never know until you give it a try."

"Yeah, I know. But still."

Nancy sat down on the other end of the couch with a chocolate bar.

"Look around and see. Worst thing that could happen is that they say no, and you try someone else."

"Yeah. I guess so."

"You're a good artist, Cole, you know that. Start looking around and see."

He shrugged.

"How's the clinic going?"

"I quit."

"What?"

"It was starting to drown, I figured it would be best to get out now."

"When was this?"

"A little while ago. No big deal. I forgot to mention it. You know, with school starting back up and all."

"That sucks that you had to quit."

"It was for the best."

"Still."

"It's fine. Really."

He shrugged and reached over for one of his mints.

"Cravings?"

"Yeah."

He leaned back and looked at his wrist. It was healing very slowly, but he could hardly pick anything up and it still hurt.

The phone rang.

"I'll be right back, okay?"

"Want me to get it?"

But she was already gone. Cole reached over and grabbed the pillow she'd been holding and put it behind his head. Nancy came back in a few minutes later, frowning.

"What's up?"

"My friend Janet was on the phone. She's coming over."

"What? When?"

"Now. She doesn't know how to take no for an answer, and she knows I stay in most of the time. We're screwed."

"You don't want her over?"

"No! I like Janet, but I don't really want to see her outside of school more than I have to."

"Why's she coming over, anyway?"

Nancy shrugged.

"She says she just wants to drop by and say hi, but I think she wants to meet you."

"Me?"

"Yes, you. She's always worried about me."

"Why?"

"I don't know. She's a friend. I wouldn't mind meeting her boyfriends too, but she goes through them very fast."  
"She wants to make sure I'm not a serial killer, is that it?"

"Yes. Don't worry, she won't be here very long."

Cole shrugged.

"It doesn't matter if she's here all day."

"No, but I want her in and out."

Cole rolled his eyes, but he was nervous. Most people tended to shy away from him or worse. Janet would probably be no different. He made sure his sleeves and gloves were straight and tried to look calm and relaxed. Nancy sat back down on the other end of the couch. She didn't look comfortable, either.

After ten minutes of sitting in silence, staring at a blank TV screen, there was a knock on the door.

* * * *

Janet had blonde hair, blue eyes, and dressed in clothes a size too small. Cole wasn't sure if he liked her very much. She looked like the get-drunk-and-have-a-kid type. When she opened her mouth his mind was made up. He did not like her, not at all.

"Nancy! Have you been hiding in your house all break? And is this Cole?"

"Yes. Nice to meet you. I'd shake hands, but I burned mine the other day. Kitchen accident."

"No problem. I'm Janet."

She studied him, her eyes sweeping across his face before fixating on his sleeves. He stepped back behind Nancy, who was twisting her hands into knots. Why was she so nervous?

"Jan, I'd love to have you stay and have some coffee, but Cole's been sick with the flu and I think I might be coming down with it."

"Oh. No, I'll leave you two be. I don't want to be sick."

"Didn't think so."

"Feel better."

"Bye."

Janet left. Cole dropped back onto the couch.

"She hates me."

"No she doesn't."

"Yes, she does. Five dollars says she calls you to lecture you later."

"Fine. Five dollars."

She sat down next to him and started chewing her nails. Cole looked over at her.

"Nance? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Why?"

"I don't know...you seem kinda jumpy lately."

"I'm fine."

He didn't believe her, but pushing her would get him nowhere.

"Okay."

"Don't worry about me. I'm just fine. Just a bit of a headache, that's all."

He mumbled something in acknowledgement and dropped the subject. But, all the same, he was worried that something had happened to Nancy. Abuse, maybe, or...worse? What was worse? He didn't want to think about it. If there was worse than abuse-any sort of abuse-he didn't want to think about that happening to Nancy. She would tell him eventually, or she would not. Or, hopefully, he was overreacting. Oh, he hoped he was overreacting.

### Chapter Forty-Seven

Nancy was lying on her bed at three in the morning. It was hot in the room. Hell, it was hot in the whole apartment. Hot and quiet and dark. There was a noise from the window and she scrabbled for the light-pull. She'd attached a string to the light switch in case of such an incident. Her fingers closed on it and she yanked it harder than necessary. The light came on, but the string came off the switch.

Fuck.

On the bright side, the sound had been caused by the window A/C coming on.

Thank god that's all it was.

She wondered if Cole was doing okay. He'd been quiet ever since Janet came over. She worried about him when he got like that.

He worries about you, too, or he wouldn't be bugging you every five minutes to tell him what's wrong.

It was a nice feeling, in a way, knowing that somebody worried about her. Her father didn't seem to notice much. He loved her, she knew that, but he wasn't the noticing type. There was a knock on her door.

"Yeah?"

"Nance? Can I come in?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"I didn't wake you, did I?"

"No. What is it?"

"Couldn't sleep. Wanted to know if you wanted to go with me to get ice cream."

"At three in the morning?"

"Yes."

"Is anywhere open at three in the morning?"

"Yes. Scout's."

"Oh, god. Do you trust their ice cream?"

"No, but I really want vanilla right now."

"Sure. Hang on, let me get shoes. And my sweater."

He went out of the room as silently as he had come in.

What if we get carjacked and it's Dr. Grey and...

She pinched herself. Dr. Grey may have been a disgusting old man, but he didn't carjack people. Besides, she had her pepper spray. She couldn't find her sweater and ended up wrapping her once-white throw blanket around her shoulders instead.

"Nancy, are you feeling okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Insomnia."

He raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything else. Nancy made sure her blanket was wrapped firmly around her shoulders before going out to the car.

"Do you want to drive, or me?"

"Maybe you should. I can't really grip anything."

"Good point. Turn on the heater, will you? It's cold."

Cole reached over for the heater dial and turned it to the right.

"Good?"

"Thanks."

"Yeah."

He looked like he wanted to say something but didn't. Nancy made sure the blanket wasn't in her way before backing out of the parking spot.

* * * *

Cole looked the rain. Scout's had been slow, and the girl at the drive-through had looked stoned. Not that he had any right to judge.

"Cole?"

"Mm?"

"How were you going to get here alone? Since you can't drive right now."

"Walk. It's not that far."

"In the rain?"

"I have an umbrella."

"Still."

He shrugged. A small spider on the armrest caught his eye.

"Nance, will you hold this?"

"Why?"

She took it and Cole picked up the spider, opened the door, and set it down on a dry patch on the curb.

"Spider."

"Spider?"

"It's more likely to find food out there than in here."

She shook her head and gave him his ice cream bowl back.

"Well? Is it worth coming out at three in the morning?"

"Yes."

A drip ran down her cone and she lunged to catch it before it hit the seat.

"Should've gotten a bowl."

"Shut up!"

He dropped his eyes to his spoon.

"Um, Nance?"

"Wot?" she asked around her cone.

"Can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

She looked concerned. He wanted to make that look go away.

Then tell her, you idiot!

He was nervous-what if this put a rift between them or something?

"Cole?"

Dammit, just get it over with.

"Iloveyou."

The concerned look vanished. So did any trace of emotion, for that matter. She didn't say anything, and he did not look at her again. He had no idea what to do now.

Nancy put the car in reverse a few minutes later and started towards home.

Well, now what?

He'd start looking through papers a bit more now and try to ignore these goddamn cravings. The car jerked to a stop and he looked up. They were home. Nancy got out and looked at him. She had to crane to look him in the eyes, a fact which would have made him laugh any other time.

"I love you, too."

"That's ok...wait, what?"

She dropped her head and started digging for her keys.

"I love you." she said. He almost didn't hear her, but there was no way to mishear what she'd said. He had no answer for her other than a small nod. She got the door open and disappeared into her room. Cole went to the couch and lay down with the remote.

He was happy with the result, and somewhat shocked. He wasn't sure what he'd been expecting, but that wasn't it.

We'll see what happens tomorrow, I guess.

A soft noise scared him and he spun around, clutching the remote tight enough to hurt. It was only Nancy, still wrapped in her graying blanket.

"You okay?"

"Can I sleep out here with you?"

He definitely hadn't been expecting that.

"S-sure."

She smiled and settled down on the other side of the mattress.

"Thank you."

"Are you okay?"

"Yes."

"Good."

"Cole?"

"Mm."

"Did you mean it?"

Mean what...oh.

"Of course I meant it. Did you?"

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't."

He watched her burrow under the blankets, her hair falling over her face. He wanted to brush it back but couldn't do it. Maybe later on, but not now. Not for a long time.

"I'm going to sleep. Night, Cole."

"Night, Nancy."

He couldn't sleep right now, but after a few minutes she was out. He set the remote down and looked up at the ceiling. For once, a fix was the last thing from his mind.

### Chapter Forty-Eight

Nancy woke up a little after noon, feeling well-rested for once. Well-rested and calm and safe. For a minute she wondered why she wasn't in her room She rolled over and nearly rolled into Cole, who was still asleep.

What...oh. That's right. Last night.

She moved back a little bit and studied him. He was hugging his pillow against him and his back was pressed against the arm of the couch. He looked like a little kid.

He loves me.

Last night was a blur, really, but those words stood out. He'd meant them, too-she'd seen it on his face. The memory made her giddy.

How'd I get so lucky? she wondered. She didn't really want an answer.

Cole yawned and stretched out a little. His eyes met hers and a look of confusion, then contentment spread over his face.

"Hi."

"Hey."

He didn't say anything else and she wondered if he was going to go back to sleep.

"Did you sleep okay?"

"Yes. Did you?"

"Mm-hm."

He let go of the pillow and straightened his sleeves.

"How's your wrist?"

"S'okay. Scarring up, I guess."

"Can I see it?"

He nodded and tugged his sleeve back a bit. It was scarring up, but the sight of it still made her queasy.

"I think it's okay." she said. "Just don't bug it."

"It's itchy now."

"Still. Leave it alone."

He fixed the sleeve and started fussing with his gloves.

"You don't have to wear those at home, Cole."

"But..."

"If you want to, go ahead, but don't feel like you have to."

"Thanks, Nance."

"What time is it, anyway?"

"I don't know."

He rolled onto his back and closed his eyes again.

"You don't have work, do you?"

"No."

"Good."

Nancy shoved the blankets down a bit and sat up.

"I've been meaning to ask you...how's it going? With the cravings and all?"

"S'okay. You know, considering. It's worse at night."

"They'll get better. It just takes time."

"You know...if I knew where he got it I'd be down there right now."

Nancy blinked. He hadn't mentioned his father since that first night, but she knew he suffered from nightmares. Twice now she'd woken up to him shouting at someone to stop. The episodes had not lasted long, but both times he'd ended up napping the following day.

"It'll get better. Trust me."

He nodded-at least she was pretty sure that was a nod-and put his arm over his face.

"Gonna go back to sleep."

"Are you serious?"

"Yeah."

He yawned and rolled back onto his stomach. Nancy looked outside at the rain.

What the hell. I don't have anything to do today.

"Night, Cole."

"Night."

### Chapter Forty-Nine

By the end of the week, Cole was sleeping in Nancy's room. She liked this arrangement better-the nightmares didn't happen as much this way. When they did come, though, he was always there to calm her down and help her go back to sleep. He'd asked what was wrong several times, and she always said the same thing: "I just don't sleep well. I never have."

He didn't believe her, but she wasn't ready to tell him anything. Maybe she never would be.

"Nance?"

"Mm."

"Look."

He was holding up part of the newspaper.

"What's that?"

"I think I found a job."

"What is it?"

"You know that coffee shop by the clinic?"

"Yes."

"They want someone to do some drawings for them. You know, just little sketches."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I'm going to do a tree or something and see what they think."

"Okay. Good luck."

"Yeah."

He dropped the paper on the floor and got up to get his sketchbook.

"Pen or pencil?"

"Don't know yet."

"Hm...shit! I gotta go, or I'll be late for class."

"See you." he mumbled, already reaching for a pen. Nancy picked up her backpack and left.

* * * *

Cole looked at the pen. He had decided to draw a tree, but not a lame tree. Morbid trees were also off-limits. So what was he supposed to draw? He'd never liked fairies or anything like that. Maybe a tree with a skull or something. He'd see what came of that idea.

He was half an hour into his sketch when there was a knock on the door. Maybe Nancy had forgotten her keys or something. He got up, wondering why she was home so early, and looked outside. It wasn't Nancy on the doorstep. It was a woman he hadn't met. He hurried to yank his gloves on before answering the door.

"Hello?"

"You're not Nancy."

"No, I'm her boyfriend. Cole Martin."

"Humph. I'm your neighbor, Alice Harris. This got put in my box by accident. Will you give it to her?"

"Yeah."

"Good."

She went away, mumbling to herself about something he didn't catch. He glanced at the envelope and promptly dropped it. It was his suicide note. Nancy did not need to see this-he remembered it being very dark and somewhat graphic. He ripped it up and shoved it in the bottom of the trash can. Going back to his picture was impossible now and he ended up watching cartoons until Nancy got home.

### Chapter Fifty

"Nancy. Nancy! Wake up, Nance, you're having one of those dreams!" Nancy blinked and sat up, disoriented and afraid. "Nance?"

"Cole?"

"Yeah."

There was a sudden surge of light and his face came into focus. He looked pale and scared.

"Nance? Are you okay?"

She swallowed and managed to nod.

"Yeah, I'm okay. Did I wake you up?"

"No. Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I don't remember anything...one of those weird ones, I guess."

"Must've been some dream." he said. "You were thrashing around like crazy."

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Are you sure you don't remember anything?"

"Yeah."

"Nance, if there's anything you want to talk about..."

"There's not."

"Let me finish." She shut up. "If there's anything you want to talk about, I'm here for you. Okay?"

"Okay. But there's not. Really."

He turned off the lamp and she heard him lie down.

"If you say so."

"I mean it."

"Night, Nancy."

"Night, Cole."

### Chapter Fifty-One

Nancy really didn't want to go to school the next day, but Cole was going to notice something was wrong if she didn't. She didn't see Janet-thank God-but when she got home there were several messages from her on the answering machine. Cole was zoned out on a drawing and she let him be.

"Hello?"

"Nancy! Where have you been?"

"School."

"Can't Cole answer the phone?"

"He's busy right now. What's going on? You left a million messages on my machine."

"I was sick today. But I wanted to talk to you."

"About?"

"Cole. Nancy, are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, the guy was on that shit for who knows how long, how do you know he's not still using behind your back?"

Nancy rolled her eyes.

"Jan, listen to me. I think I'd know. Now quit making judgments about things you don't know."

"Nancy..."

"You don't know anything about this, and it's none of your business. Okay?"

"I'm just worried about you. So maybe he's not using. What if he starts up again? Why'd he start using in the first place?"

"Janet, shut up and listen for a second. He's not using, I don't think he's going to start up, and it's none of your business how he got hooked or why. I have to go now."

"Nancy..."

She hung up.

"Nance? Is that you?"

"Yeah. I had to call Janet back."

"Someone called?"

"Yeah. What did you do today?"

"Almost done with a drawing for that coffee place."

"What'd you draw?"

"A tree. You can look at it if you want."

He handed her the paper and disappeared into the bedroom. She wondered what was up with him today-he was more quiet than usual. Maybe he was having cravings or something.

She looked at the sketch he'd given her. It was a tree with an old man's face in it. Good, but creepy. Just like everything he did.

"Nance?"

"What?"

"Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Yeah, I got some. Why?"

"Just wondering."

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Maybe I should tell him. He knows something's up...no. He'll side with Pastor Steamwick and that'll be the end of it.

She went to take a shower.

Besides, she thought, it's over and done with and there's no need to talk about it. No one has to know. I can get through it by myself.

She stretched and made sure to take an extra hot shower so she would feel clean.

### Chapter Fifty-Two

Cole woke up at midnight with his hands above his face.

He's not here. Just calm down, he's not here anymore.

He hadn't thought about Sean in a while now, and he had thought the nightmares were gone. Apparently not. He rolled over to see if he'd woken Nancy up. He hadn't, but right now he really wanted someone to talk to. At the same time, he didn't want to wake her up for no reason.

He rolled over so he wouldn't have to look at the dark. Sometimes he saw things in the dark, usually his father, but sometimes other things. He wondered if he was crazy.

Well, he thought, I'm not exactly normal, am I?

Nancy stretched and wormed under the blankets. He lay there fore a few more minutes before getting up to work on his sketch. There was no point in staying here and maybe waking Nancy up. Besides, he was going to go down to the coffee shop tomorrow and show it to them, and he wanted it to be perfect.

A good half hour later, he pushed the picture away from him to see. It had turned out just right. He would look at it again in the morning to make sure.

### Chapter Fifty-Three

Nancy woke up alone the next morning.

"Cole?"

She found him asleep at the kitchen table, his fingers resting lightly on his drawing. He didn't look good.

"Cole? You don't look so good."

"N-Nance?"

"What time did you come out?"

"Is it morning?"

"Yeah."

"Last night, I guess. Couldn't sleep."

"You look awful."

"Ugh."

"Are you sick?"

"I don't know."

"Hang on. Let me get the thermometer."

He dropped his head back to the table. Nancy was concerned. Heroin royally screwed up people's immune systems, and a common cold could turn into pneumonia. When she came back, he hadn't moved.

"Here."

"I don't feel so good."

"Check your temp."

He reached up without looking and she stuck the thermometer in his hand. She went to go make coffee. She knew she shouldn't bother-she had the beginnings of cramps-but she also had a headache. The thermometer went off.

"What is it?"

"Ninety-nine point nine."

"Wow. Go get in bed."

"But..."

"Go."

"Later. I have to drop this off with the coffee shop people."

"Cole..."

But he'd already pulled himself up and gone into the bedroom. She heard the shower start. The cramps were starting to come harder and she downed a few painkillers and went to camp on the couch.

* * * *

Cole stumbled through a quick interview with the coffee shop manager before handing over the sketch and going back home. He didn't feel very well, and he was having cravings again. He was going to have a couple of mints when he got in. Those always seemed to help.

Nancy was curled up on the couch with a hot water bottle. She had her blanket yanked up to her neck and she was hunched into a small ball.

"Nance?"

"Hi. How'd it...ow...how'd it go?"

"What's wrong?"

"Cramps."

"Anything I can do?"

"No."

"Okay."

"How'd it go?"

"Fine, I think. I'm gonna go take a shower."

She didn't respond. Today was probably a good day to leave her be.

* * * *

Nancy was almost grateful for the cramps. They meant things were getting back to normal. But, all the same, they hurt.

Beauty of being a woman, my ass. You know the person who said that is a man.

She shuffled into the kitchen to refill her hot water bottle. Walking was hard and she had to lean against the counter for a few minutes before making the trek back to the couch.

"Nance?"

"What."

"Do you need anything?"

"A hysterectomy."

"Besides that."

"Nothing."

"Okay."

A few minutes later he put a water down on the table next to her.

"I'm gonna go lie down."

"Cole?"

He'd already disappeared into the bedroom and shut the door. Nancy shrugged and turned back to the TV. She hadn't thought about Dr. Grey for a while now, and she guessed that was good. The nightmares were still bad, though. She didn't sleep most nights. Maybe she could sleep now-it was daytime, and sleeping would help the cramps go away. Assuming that she could get to sleep.

* * * *

Cole woke up to Nancy saying his name. He wondered what was going on.

"Nance?"

"Finally! You were shouting in your sleep."

"I was?"

"Yeah. Shouting and thrashing around. I thought you were going to fall off the bed or something."

"Sorry."

"Don't be sorry. Are you okay?"

"Dream. That's all. You know how they get."

"Yeah. I know. Do you want to talk about it?"

Cole had an idea. Maybe if he talked about it, she'd talk about whatever had happened to her. Maybe not right now, but someday.

"I guess."

"You sure?"

"Uh-huh."

"I don't want to push you."

"You're not. How're you feeling?"

"Better."

He sat up and accidentally put pressure on his wrist. It wavered and he had to grab at the wall to keep from falling.

"If you don't want to listen to this, that's fine. This isn't a happy fairy tale or something."

"It's okay."

He took a deep breath. He wasn't sure if he wanted to talk about this after all, but maybe the nightmares would go away if he did.

Just stay calm. Stay calm and say it and get it over with.

"I don't remember very much of it. I guess I just block it out. My mother left when I was about seven years old and it all got worse after that. My dad...he drinks a lot and he doesn't have good control of his temper when he gets like that. There's no point in trying to talk to him. It kinda depended on things-how work had gone, if I'd done anything-to what he'd do. Broken bones, dislocated limbs, lot of bruises. You've seen it, I think." Nancy nodded. Cole took a deep breath. "Do you want me to stop?"

"Not unless you want to."

He did want to, but he also wanted to get it over with.

"I didn't start that shit as an escape route. I came home from school one day and found him watching TV and shooting up and he offered me some. And that was it. It got to be an every day thing for me, whether he was taking it or not, and...well, you know the rest. First it was a fun thing, then it was a time-killer, then it was everything. You know how it goes."

"Yeah."

"I don't know why nobody noticed what was going on. I missed a lot of school, had a lot of doctor's notes for why I couldn't do this or that. You'd think someone would have noticed. Someone brought it up one time, during one of those parent-teacher things. I got called in, asked a couple of questions, and chickened out on telling the guy. I don't know what would have happened if I'd said something. Maybe I'd be dead. I don't know."

He reached for his water. His throat hurt.

"Dear Jesus, Cole." Nancy whispered. "How often did this go on?"

"Most days."

Her eyes were shiny and he looked away from her. That had been difficult.

"Do you want anything?"

"I'm okay. Really."

"If you ever want to talk about it, I'm here for you."

"Thanks, Nance."

"Sure."

He moved over a bit and made himself comfortable. He felt drained, but that could have been because he was sick.

"Are you gonna go back to sleep?"

He nodded and felt her settle down next to him.

"Night, Nancy."

"Night, Cole. Love you."

"Love you, too."

### Chapter Fifty-Four

"Hey! It's sunny!"

"What?"

"Look! Outside! It's sunny!"

"What time is it?"

Nancy sighed.

"It's noon. Come on, walk with me."

He blinked up at her.

"Nance..."

"Please?"

"Okay, okay. But only if we stop and get breakfast."

"Okay!"

She felt oddly giddy today and had no idea why. Maybe it was because she'd gotten a decent sleep the night before. Cole dragged himself up and shuffled into the kitchen.

"Cole?"

"What."

"Have you heard from the coffee shop yet?"

"No."

"They'll call soon."

"Probably."

He came back in, coffee mug in hand.

"Do you think the world's ending?"

"Very funny."

"What? It's never sunny here."

"I know."

She raised her eyebrows.

"Hurry up before the rain comes back."

"Mind if I get clothes on at least?"

"Hurry up!"

He rolled his eyes and took a drink of his coffee.

"How are you such a morning person?"

"It's noon!"

"Mm."

Nancy went to get her purse and umbrella and wait for Cole to get ready.

* * * *

Cole was surprised it was sunny. Not that he minded-it had been a long time since it had been sunny.

They stopped to get coffee and muffins before continuing on to the park.

"It's nice not having anything to do today."

"And it's nice out for once."

"Yeah."

Nancy found a bench and started throwing crumbs to the pigeons.

"You're feeding the flying rodents?"

"They're not rodents! They're just birds."

"They're rodents. And they dive-bomb every car in existence."

"At least they're not as mean as seagulls."

"Good point."

Cole leaned back and closed his eyes. It was really bright outside. He needed a new pair of sunglasses.

"What a surprise!"

Cole shot up at the same time as Nancy. Dr. Grey chuckled and Nancy moved closer to Cole.

"Hi."

Nancy didn't say anything. Cole wondered why.

"Hi. How's it going."

"Fine, thanks."

"So you two are, ah..."

Cole nodded.

"Nancy, are you feeling okay?"

She shook her head.

"Throat hurts." she whispered. Cole raised an eyebrow but said nothing. Maybe she had allergies or something.

Dr. Grey stayed for a few minutes more until Nancy went to get a drink. She took forever and Dr. Grey was gone by the time she got back.

"Nancy, are you sure you're okay? What happened?"

"Allergies. And I don't like him."

"Why not?"

"I don't know...he just creeps me out. You know those people that you don't like but don't know why?"

"Yeah."

"He's mine."

She was a horrible liar, but Cole didn't push her. As long as they weren't having an affair or something-which was doubtful-it wasn't any of his business. But he was a little worried anyway.

* * * *

Nancy was practically mute for the rest of the day, saying that she had bad allergies. Cole didn't believe her, and she knew it.

"Nance, are you sure nothing happened between you two?"

"Nothing happened, okay? I just don't like him and I have allergies, that's all."

"Dammit, Nancy, I need you to trust me. Whatever you're hiding, I'm not gonna judge you for it."

"I do trust you, and I'm telling you the truth. I don't like him, that's it. And I have allergies, you know that."

"Allergies don't come on that fast."

"They were there before."

"Still."

"I'm beginning to think you don't trust me! I don't have to tell you everything if I don't want to! I do trust you, I swear, and I'm telling you the truth! I don't like Dr. Grey!"

He shook his head and took a few steps back.

"Nancy, I want you to tell me the truth. If there was something between you, or if there is something between you..."

"There never has and never will be anything 'between' us, Cole! Get that through your head!"

"Then why the hell are you being so defensive? I ask you a simple question and you freak out on me! I'm not gonna judge you for shit, you know that, so quit hiding stuff!"

"Just leave me alone, Cole."

She turned to walk away and he grabbed her. She froze. As soon as he'd spun her around to face him he let her go and she ran into the bedroom and locked the door. He didn't follow her.

God, what if he turns out like his dad? What then? But the answer was simple, really-throw him out or move out yourself. It's not like he's got a job right now.

She curled up on the bed, hugging her bear, and wondered. It occurred to her that she didn't really know Cole that well-he was sweet, yes, but now that the heroin was out of his system and the cravings were going away his personality might change.

What if he's like his dad?

He'd never, ever laid a hand on her beyond the accidental touch, and even then he'd always jerked back. So what had gotten into him tonight? She wasn't sure whether to be scared of him or what. She'd never had reason to. This was the first time he'd ever raised his voice at her. But now...

Maybe you're overreacting. You two were arguing, maybe his emotions got the best of him.

That made sense.

That's also what abuse victims say to justify things.

She shook her head. Tomorrow, when they were both calmed down, they could talk about it. But not tonight.

She didn't unlock the door that night.

### Chapter Fifty-Five

Cole wasn't there when Nancy got up the next morning. He'd left a note on the fridge, at least.

Nance, got a call from the coffee shop and had to go down there. Don't know when I'll be back. -Cole

She frowned, poured herself a coffee, and turned on the TV. She hated silence.

Maybe I should tell Cole.

But she didn't want to. Sure, he said he wouldn't judge her, but still. What if he was just saying that to try to get her to tell him? Hell, maybe she was just paranoid. The door opened and she jumped off the couch. It was just Cole, who was wet and groggy-looking.

"Hi."

"Hi."

"Sorry about last night."

"It's okay. I'm sorry, too."

They were quiet for several minutes. Nancy wasn't sure if she should go over to him or not. She spotted a paper in his hand and wondered what it was.

"How'd it go?" she asked at last.

"Good. Look."

He held up the paper. It was a check.

"Are you serious?"

He nodded. She could see a bit of a smile at the edges of his lips.

"Yeah. I'm serious."

"Congratulations. Told you you'd do it."

He wouldn't make eye contact.

"Guess you did."

"You okay?"

"Let's not fight anymore, okay? Please?"

"We'll try to avoid it, how's that?"

He nodded.

"Sorry, Nancy."

"I'm sorry, too, Cole."

"I wouldn't hurt you, not ever. You know that, don't you?"

"Yeah," she said, "I know you wouldn't."

She didn't think he would. It wasn't like him to hurt anything. Maybe she could tell him about Dr. Grey. But not right now. She'd give it a few days and see about it then. That was the better option.

"They want other stuff from me."

"Like?"

"They said just draw something else. I don't know what to draw yet."

"What do you have in mind?"

"Nothing. I drew a tree last time, but I don't want to draw another one."

"What about something like the one you did for me, but without the piranhas and skeletons?"

"Maybe. We'll see." He put the check down. "I'm gonna go get changed."

"Okay."

"I really am sorry, Nance."

"I'm sorry, too. I love you."

He quit repressing his smile. That was better-he always looked much nicer when he smiled, not so much like a lost child.

"Love you, too."

### Chapter Fifty-Six

Cole couldn't sleep. He'd tried Nancy's allergy medicine but it had made him wired and now he was staring at the ceiling, trying to numb his mind enough to fall asleep. It wasn't working-he kept thinking back to Dr. Grey, and Nancy's reaction to seeing him.

He didn't believe there'd been something between them. She'd acted scared, sure, but she'd also leaned as far away from him as possible.

Abuse, maybe? Physical abuse?

He didn't think so. And verbal abuse was unlikely, too. So what had happened? He didn't want to push her into telling him if she didn't want to, but at the same time this was obviously eating her up inside. It worried him.

So what happened to her? What did he do?

He got up-no point in maybe waking up Nancy-and went to watch TV. There was nothing on and he eventually settled on a crappy remake of an already-crappy movie. He was half-asleep when the light went on behind him.

"Nance?"

She didn't look good. Cole wondered if she was sick.

"I don't feel well."

"What's wrong?"

"Stomach hurts."

"Are you gonna be sick?"

She shrugged, stepped back, and ducked around him for the bathroom. Cole wasn't sure what to do. Nancy was a private person, really, and he wasn't sure if she wanted fussing over or to be left alone. He decided to go back to bed and wait.

She came in a few minutes later, looking grey and tired. He looked up and asked,

"Are you sick?"

"Yeah."

"Want me to camp on the couch tonight? Or set you up a bed out there?"

"M'okay. Thanks, Cole."

"Yeah."

She didn't get under the covers.

"Do you need anything?"

"M'okay."

"Okay. Try to get some sleep, Nance."

"Thanks, Cole."

"Shh. Go to sleep."

Cole rolled onto his stomach and closed his eyes.

"Cole?"

"Mm?"

She was quiet for several minutes.

"Never mind. Night."

"Night."

He heard her turn off the light and lie down next to him. His mind again turned to the mystery surrounding her and Doctor Grey and he wondered if the vomiting had anything to do with that. She'd sounded like she wanted to tell him something earlier-maybe when she was feeling better he'd bring it up.

### Chapter Fifty-Seven

Nancy was still sick two weeks later, and at Cole's insistence she went to the doctor. She knew what the problem was-bad dreams and stress-but Cole didn't, and she was tired of him worrying so much. She had a story all planned out-stress over grades and friendship troubles-but the doctor had another diagnosis.

"You have a very bad case of the stomach flu."

"I do?"

"Stomach flu?" Cole snapped. "Stomach flu? For two weeks? If that's stomach flu..."

"Cole," Nancy said softly, "it's okay. If she says it's stomach flu, it probably is. I'll meet you out there in a minute, huh? I want to ask a few questions about...um...girl things."

"Okay."

He left and Nancy turned back to Dr. Holly.

"It's not period stuff I wanted to ask you about." she said. "But my boyfriend worries a lot."

"What's going on, Nancy?"

"Something very scary happened to me a long time ago. I don't want to talk about it now, but it's still bugging me. I can't sleep, sometimes it makes me sick, and sometimes I get panic attacks about it."

"What happened?"

"My old boss was...well, he was sort of abusive. I quit, but I'm still scared of him sometimes. I wanted to know what you think I should do?"  
"Depending on what it was, I would say tell. Sometimes things aren't so bad when someone's helping you."

"Okay. Thanks, Dr. Holly."

"Any time. Feel better. And reassure your boyfriend that it really is stomach flu. Are you stressed? That might be making it last longer."

"Exams and friendship problems."

"Okay. Try yoga."

"Thanks. See you."

"Good bye, Nancy."

### Chapter Fifty-Eight

Nancy didn't want to tell Cole what had happened, but what happened the next day settled the matter. She was on her way back from the corner store when Dr. Grey materialized in front of her.

"Nancy! How've you been...you look awful!"

"Not feeling well."

"What's wrong?"

"Flu. I have to go..."

"I'll walk you back."

"No, thanks..."

"I insist."

He took her arm and started off. She jerked her arm free and he grabbed it again.

"Leave me alone."

"Nancy..."

"Leave me alone!"

She pulled her arm free and took off. Running was difficult but she made it home somehow.

"Nance? Nancy, are you okay?"

She made it to the toilet in time to throw up before dropping onto the floor, sobbing and shaking. Cole knocked softly on the wall before kneeling beside her.

"Nance? What's wrong?"

She shook her head and bit her lip. She didn't want to tell him what had happened. No, not didn't want to, she couldn't tell him what had happened.

Just do it, just do it and get it over with. Otherwise he'll leave anyway because you're keeping secrets.

But not right now. She would have to calm down first.

"Nance? Do you want help up?"

She managed a little nod and felt him pull her up. She resisted the urge to pull away and instead concentrated on his hands. She could feel the scars but under those his muscles were tense.

"Come on, lie down and I'll bring you a water. Okay?"

"Thanks, Cole."

"Shh. It's okay."

She couldn't really see, but she felt him lead her over to the bed and make her sit down before leaving the room. Being alone scared her and she reached for her bear. A few minutes later he came back and a cold glass pressed against her hand.

"Cole?"

"Yeah, right here. What happened? Did you get mugged?"

If only it was that simple.

"No."

"What happened?"

She took a drink of her water and blew her nose. The horrid grey film that had settled over things was going away and Cole came into sharp focus. He'd left the lights off, and his white face looked like it was floating in front of her. He looked scared and confused.

"Nance?"

She took another drink and managed to take several deep breaths before sitting up. Cole moved back from her.

"I want you to stay quiet until I'm done, okay?"

"Nancy?"

"You were right. When you asked if something had happened to me, you were right."

"Nance, are you okay?"

"Please, just stay quiet until I'm done. If you want to...if you want to leave when I'm done, go ahead. I'm not gonna judge you for it."

"Nance?"

She shook her head and he shut up. She didn't want to tell him. But she was going to get this over with. She had to.

"There was never anything between me and Dr. Grey. But he...I don't know, he's a horrible old man. And one afternoon, about three months after I started working there, he asked me to come to the back room. He said he wanted to show me something. And I said okay."

She took a deep breath and tightened her hands around the water glass. Cole stayed quiet, looking at her. She wondered for a second if he could read her mind.

"I went back there and asked what was up. He told me to sit down and he'd tell me. So I did. He went into the other room for a minute. And then he came back and locked the door. He had a gun."

She took a drink and looked at her bear. She couldn't look at Cole anymore.

Talk to Teddy. Maybe it'll be easier if I just talk to Teddy instead of Cole.

"I think he was drunk or something, I don't know. He...he told me to strip and lie down on the exam table. I said no and he said he'd shoot me if I didn't. I thought I was going to die. I...I did what he said. He said it wouldn't hurt if I behaved. He lied. It hurt more than anything. I guess I fainted or blacked out or something because the next thing I remember was him throwing my clothes at me and telling me to get back to work. I didn't go back to work. I went home sick."

She took another drink and realized that she was crying again but didn't care.

"Dear Jesus, Nance." Cole whispered.

She nodded, still unable to look at him.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I did. My pastor. He said it was my fault."

"Oh, no, Nance, that's not your fault. That's never your fault. Ever."

It's not?

She made herself look at him. He looked concerned, to say the least.

He's still here.

"Of course I'm still here. Did you think I was just gonna walk out?"

Shit, I must've said that aloud.

She shrugged and bit her lip and hugged her knees.

"Nance, I wouldn't walk out on you after something like that. Never. Deep breaths."

She did what he said and took another drink.

"It's not my fault?"

"Of course not! It's that fucker's fault, not yours. Never yours."

She didn't have anything to say. She felt really numb now. Cole reached over and picked up her fuzzy blanket and put it around her shoulders.

"Thank you."

"Shh. Just try to calm down, it's okay now. He can't hurt you anymore."

"Cole?"

"Mm?"

"You promise you're not gonna go?"

"Yes. I'll be here as long as you want me to be, I promise."

"Can I have a hug?"

He was quiet for a few minutes before nodding. She felt him wrap his arms around her and rub her shoulders. She buried her face in his sweater and sobbed.

"It's okay, it's okay. He's not going to hurt you again, I promise."

She hardly heard him. It was scary being this close to someone, but she'd been craving human contact. It felt good.

"Cole?"

"Shh."

She didn't really want to talk any more, anyway. That had been enough. She let go of him and curled up on the bed.

"I'm gonna rest my eyes for a bit."

"Want me to go?"

"Would you stay? Please?"

"Sure."

She heard him lie down next to her and open a book.

"Night."

"Night, Nance. If you need to talk, I'm here for you."

"Thank you."

"Sure. Get some sleep, if you can."

She fixed her blanket around her and hugged her bear. A few minutes later, she was asleep.

* * * *

Cole was unable to sleep. Nancy had fallen asleep a little bit ago-probably because she was sick-but sleep was the last thing on his mind.

Raped. My god, no wonder she didn't tell me.

He wasn't sure if he was supposed to treat her any different or...or what. And what if they ran into Dr. Grey again? What was he supposed to say? Anything?

Nancy sighed and rolled over. Cole looked at her. He had no idea what to do, what to say.

"Oh, Jesus, Nancy, I'm sorry."

She didn't wake up. Cole bit his lip and looked up at the ceiling.

And I thought I was bad off.

So much made sense now-the nightmares, the jumpiness, the fear of the dark. Not to mention her reluctance to tell him what had happened.

That reminds me...what made her decide to tell me?

He would have to ask her. Or maybe not-telling him had obviously been difficult. He would wait and see what happened in the morning. Well, later that morning-it was already three AM. He glanced over at Nancy and felt a surge of hatred for Dr. Grey. What kind of sick fucker did that sort of thing, anyway? Cole hoped he'd get run over or worse. Maybe attacked by seagulls. That would okay. He looked down at his hands and wondered what he would do if he ran into the man somewhere. Some of the ideas he came up with scared him and he forced his mind to think about something else.

I don't wanna be like Dad. Rapist or not, I'm not gonna be like Dad.

But oh, it was tempting to find the man and make him sorry.

* * * *

Nancy woke up a little after four. She needed a cigarette and it was hot in the apartment. Cole looked like he was asleep, and she was thankful for that. She didn't want to talk right now.

It was freezing outside and a fine mist had settled over the lawn. She lit her ciggy and inhaled slowly, savoring the familiar taste.

"It's freezing out here."

She jumped a mile and nearly dropped the ciggy.

"Thought you were asleep."

"Sorry for scaring you."

"Did I wake you up?"

"No."

He leaned on the rail and looked at the mist.

"Are you okay, Nance?"

She shrugged. She didn't feel okay. She felt numb.

"I don't know."

"Do you need anything?"

"No, thanks."

"Okay."

She wanted another hug, but she wasn't sure if she should ask him for one.

"Cole?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think I'm overreacting?"

"No. You're not overreacting. If anything, you're under reacting. What makes you say that, anyway?"

"I don't know...I mean, I was the one who stayed there. I could have quit any time and I didn't."

"Why?"

"My dad got me the job-they're friends-and I was scared he'd find out. My parents don't know and my mom would probably disown me or something if she found out."

"No wonder you didn't quit."

"Besides...after the first time my pastor said that it was my fault and I thought if I changed he'd leave me alone."

"It's not your fault. Don't ever think it is, not for a second."

"Thanks, Cole."

"Shh. It's gonna be okay. Listen to me."

She was crying without realizing it and she had to shake away a few tears before looking up at him.

"What?"

"I can't promise you everything, but I can promise you two things. One, I'll be here as long as you need me to be, no matter what. And two,"-he paused for a minute, looking at something in the street-"two, if I see that fucker crossing the road, I'll speed up and run him over and say he jumped in front of the car."

Nancy couldn't tell if he was serious about the last bit, but his message was clear. She was safe.

"Thanks, Cole."

"Come on, let's go back to bed. It's late."

"Okay."

He held the door for her and waited for her to get in bed before turning off the light.

"Get some sleep, Nance."

"Okay. Thanks."

"Shh."

"You're gonna sleep, right?"

"Right. Night."

"Night, Cole."

He flopped down next to her, his arms over his face.

"Love you."

"Love you, too."
Chapter Fifty-Nine

It was another week before Nancy stopped puking. She hadn't brought Dr. Grey up again, and Cole hadn't asked. He had a sore throat again, but on Thursday Nancy woke up to him getting ready to go somewhere.

"Cole?"

"I'm gonna run by my house and get the rest of my stuff."

"What?"

"I didn't get it all, and I know Dad's not home right now. I'll be back in an hour or two."

"Why?"

"Because I want to just get it and be done. Don't worry. I'll pick up lunch on the way home."

"Okay..."

"He's not home. You gonna be okay?"

"Uh huh."

"Good. See you soon, m'kay?"

"Okay..."

He left and Nancy locked the door behind him. This didn't feel right. She didn't think he was going to get high, but it felt like something bad was going to happen.

Stop it! You're just being paranoid. He said his dad's not home, he'll be fine.

She got herself a coffee and went to get ready for school. Cole would be fine. He'd back in an hour or two and prove that her worrying was useless.

* * * *

Cole was grateful for his stuffy nose-a sick baby was on the bus and someone was eating a fish lunch. Yuck. He had to walk a few blocks from the bus stop to his house, and by the time he let himself inside he was feeling very dizzy. Sean wasn't home

why would he be?

but he wanted to get out of here as soon as possible.

He packed up everything he could find in his room, but it felt like something was missing.

What am I forgetting?

Then he remembered-his homemade sketchbook and the snake his mother had given him. He dug them out from under the mattress. He put the snake away but stood there for a minute, flipping through the sketchbook. Maybe he'd redo one of these for the coffee shop.

He didn't realize how long he'd been standing there until a car pulled in.

Fuck...Dad must be home for lunch.

He took a deep breath. There was nowhere to hide in this room, but maybe if Sean went into the living room he could make a run for the door. He picked up his backpack and went into the hallway and downstairs.

Okay. When the TV comes on, go.

The TV didn't come on. Cole wondered if the old man was having a heart attack or something.

"Cole?"

Cole went stiff and looked up. Running was useless now.

"Hi, Dad."

"Where have you been?"

"I moved out."

"Why?"

"I don't want to be here any more. I want to live my own life for once."

He swallowed and moved to step around Sean. Sean grabbed him and forced him back towards the stairs.

"You're not going anywhere. It's that girl, isn't it?"

Cole didn't answer. Sean pried his fingers from the backpack and put his arm around his shoulders.

"Do you have any idea how happy I am to see you? I've been worried out of my mind that something happened to you."

"More like worried I'd say something." Cole snapped.

Why did I just say that?

Sean frowned.

"You watch your mouth, boy."

"Let go of me."

"Come on. We're gonna have a little talk."

"Let go of me. My girlfriend knows I'm here, she'll get worried if I'm not home."

"You are home. Now come on in here."

Cole ducked, grabbed his backpack, and ran for the door. It was locked and he couldn't get it open before Sean caught up with him and slammed him against the doorknob.

"God dammit, Cole, what the hell are you doing?"

Cole didn't say anything. There was no way out now.

"I'm sorry...Dad, please just let me out, I have to go home."

"You're not going anywhere. You need to learn to mind me for once. Now just stand still and take it and it won't last very long."

Cole shook his head. He wasn't going to just take it if he could help it. But now Sean was between him and the way out. He ran for the stairs and made it halfway up before Sean grabbed his shirt and dragged him back down.

"Dad, please..."

"Shut up and just take it for once in your goddamn life!"

His back hurt-that doorknob would leave a bruise-but that was the least of his problems. Sean was drunk or crazy or both and Cole didn't like it when he got like that. Things were the worst when Sean was like that.

"Dad?"

Sean pulled him into the living room and let go of him. He stood up to run and Sean kicked him in the chest. Something cracked and he fell, coughing.

"You're not going anywhere, not 'til we've had our talk."

He couldn't see very well. Breathing hurt and he wondered if he was going to black out.

"Dad, please..."

"Dammit, Cole, you never do what you're told! If you'd just listen to me for once in your goddamn life we'd be done already!"

"Please..."

"Shut up!"

Surely it's been two hours, Nancy, please call the police...

Why should she? She was at school, and even if she was home by now she'd probably figure traffic was bad.

There was the sound of iron against brick and footsteps walking away. Cole forced himself to stand up and nearly fell again. It felt like his ribs were cracked. He needed to get out of here before Sean broke anything else.

Get out, go home, call the police.

"Cole," Sean said, "where do you think you're going?" He sounded calm and composed. That was bad. Cole didn't turn around.

"Home."

"You are home, buddy. Remember?"

"This isn't home."

Quit talking and start walking.

He took a step. Something whistled through the air and struck him in the back. The impact sent him sprawling.

What the hell was that?

Whatever it was was heavy and Cole could feel a bruise forming on his back. He forced himself to roll over and looked up. Sean had the fireplace poker.

God, he's going to kill me.

"Dad, whatever you're thinking of doing..."

"Shut up."

Moving hurt and he was incredibly dizzy. He hoped he would pass out.

"Dad?"

"Buddy, this hurts me more than it hurts you."

"You're fucking crazy!"

Why did I just say that?

The last thing he saw was the fireplace poker coming at his head.

* * * *

Nancy was starting to panic. It had been three hours since Cole had left. If she'd had the address she would have called the police, or at least gone over there.

Traffic's bad. Or he had more stuff to grab than he thought.

But it didn't seem like those things would add an extra hour. She looked unseeingly at her history book and chewed her nails.

The phone rang.

Nancy lunged for it, expecting the worst-a bus crash, a hijacking...

What if his dad came home early?

"Hello?"

"Nancy Hale?"

"Yes."

"Do you know someone named Cole Martin?"

"Oh, god, is he okay?"

"Well, he's...you might want to come down to the Westside Hospital."

"I'll be there in a few minutes."

She reached behind her to hang up the phone and dropped it on the floor instead.

* * * *

She was surprised she didn't get pulled over for speeding but didn't complain. Fifteen minutes later she was the hospital's waiting room with her hair messy, her clothes soaked, and her keys clenched tightly in her hand. The woman behind the desk was annoyingly calm and it seemed like forever before a round little man came out and called her name.

"Please say he's okay."

"Cole, right?"

She didn't trust herself not to say something bitchy, so she just nodded.

"He's doing okay. You can see him if you want, but he's in pretty bad shape."

"What happened?"

"The policemen can tell you more than I can. I can tell you what's broken, and I can tell you he'll be fine, but that's all."

"Broken?"

"Ah, broken ribs, several bruises, and we think he may have a concussion, but there's no knowing that until he comes to."

"He's unconscious?"

"Yes."

The doctor showed her into a room. Cole was lying on the bed, his eyes closed. He had a black eye and she could see a set of bruises on his wrist.

"Oh Cole, sweet Jesus."

He didn't wake up and she sat down next to him and made herself take his hand.

"Miss?"

She looked up. Two policemen were standing at the door.

"Yes?"

"I'm Officer Wilkes, and this is Officer Sheldon. We'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind."

"Sure."

"First of all, can we get your home phone?"

"Um, sure. If no one answers for a few days it's broken, but I'll try to get a new one if that's the case. 555-7693."

"Thank you."

"What happened?"

Officer Wilkes sighed and looked down.

"We got a phone call about thirty minutes before you came from a man saying that he'd killed his son. He gave us the address and, ah...well, you can see what we found."

"Did you find the...caller?"

"Oh yes. Hadn't moved. Let us in nice as you please and while we were there he, ah...he shot himself."

"What?"

"Yes. I'm sorry."

Nancy didn't know what to say. How was she supposed to tell Cole what had happened?

"What do you think happened?"

"I don't know. From the looks of things the man-he said his name was Sean-and Cole had had a disagreement of sorts. Maybe he just snapped. I don't know."  
She didn't believe that, but she didn't say anything. Cole could tell the police about things later, if he wanted.

"Oh."

"Well, that's about all we know. We'll get in touch sometime next week."

"Okay. Thanks for...um...getting him."

The men nodded and went away. Nancy dropped her head.

How am I supposed to tell Cole about his father?

"Nance?"

"Hey."

"Where am I?"

"The hospital. You got beat up pretty bad."

He was quiet for a few minutes.

"Yeah...Dad came home early and got mad at me."

He didn't ask how he'd gotten here, and Nancy was saved from having to explain things by the arrival of the round doctor.

"Ah, so you're awake, then. I want you to look at this light here, okay?"

"Okay."

He didn't shy back from it and the doctor frowned.

"I think you have a concussion. How much do you remember?"

"Went home...guess he came home early or something, because he got mad at me and picked up a fireplace poker. I don't remember much else."

"Okay. I'm going to let you go home, but I want you to take it easy for a while. See a doctor in about a week to check on your head, but you should be fine."

"Okay. Thanks."

"Sure."

* * * *

Nancy set up the hide-a-bed before going to see if the phone worked. It had a dial tone, so it was probably fine. Now, though, she was going to have to tell Cole what had happened. He was half asleep already, looking at the TV.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"You okay?"

Why does he have to be like that? Now it's going to be worse when I tell him.

She wondered what he would say.

"Nance?"

"Sorry. Spaced. I'm fine. Just...just get some rest, okay?"

"Chest hurts."

"You have broken ribs."

"Great."

"Go to sleep, Cole, please."

He closed his eyes the rest of the way. She couldn't tell him now-he was still doped up on the pain medicine they'd given him. She would tell him later. Tomorrow, maybe.

"Nancy?"

"Mm?"

"Will you stay here?"

"Sure. Just go to sleep."

He didn't respond and she went to lie down next to him. She wasn't looking forward to tomorrow.

Dear Jesus, how is someone supposed to break news like that?

Cole had fallen asleep. Once she was sure he wasn't going to wake up, Nancy got up to take a shower and think of a way to tell Cole that his father was dead.

* * * *

A fix would make the pain go away.

Cole couldn't sleep. His head and chest hurt, along with the little bruises scattered along his body. Nancy had woken him up to eat and change into comfy clothes, and he'd drifted off again after falling into bed. Now, though, he couldn't sleep and all he could think about was getting one last fix to make the pain go away. Just one little dose, that was all he needed.

He looked over at Nancy. She was asleep, but she didn't look peaceful. It had been a rough day for them both. She'd said she was staying home tomorrow. Selfishly, he was grateful for that. He didn't want to be by himself. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the poker coming down.

"Cole?"

"When'd you wake up?"

"I wasn't asleep. How are you feeling?"

"Ribs hurt."

"Be right back."

"Where are you going?"

But she was already gone. She came back a few minutes later with a lounge pillow.

"Here. Sit up a bit."

Moving hurt, but he was a bit more comfortable with the pillow behind him.

"Thanks."

"Sure. Get some sleep if you can, okay?"

"We'll see."

She was keeping something from him, but he was too tired and sore to care. He would ask her in the morning.

"Night, Cole."

"Night, Nancy."

### Chapter Sixty

Nancy was sitting on the couch staring at the rain when Cole came out the next morning.

"Hi."

"Hey."

"How're you feeling?"

"Really, really sore."

She was going to have to tell him now, at least get it over with.

"I have some bad news for you." she said carefully. "You might want to sit down."

He did. She could see the worry in his eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"It's about your dad."

"Okay."

"Yesterday...he called the police to come and get you and when they got there, he let them in and..." She swallowed. Now she could appreciate the policemen's apparent disinterest when he'd told her yesterday. "He's dead, Cole. He shot himself after he let them in."

Cole didn't say anything for several minutes. He just sat there looking at his hands. Nancy wasn't sure what to do or what to say.

"Dead?" he said at last. His voice was raspy.

"I'm so sorry."

He got up and went into the room. Nancy didn't follow him.

* * * *

Cole didn't know what to feel. Relief, shock, sadness...happiness. Maybe he wasn't supposed to feel anything. He didn't know how long he'd been lying on the bed when Nancy came in.

"Cole?"

"Why."

"What?"

"Why don't I feel upset?"

"I don't know. It's normal not to feel upset."

"It is?"

"You're in shock right now. Take some time to sort things out."

He turned his head to look at her.

"I'm not sorry that he's gone."

Nancy nodded.

"That's normal."

"No it's not. He was my dad, I'm supposed to be sorry."

"No. You don't have to be sorry."

He looked at the window.

"Maybe if I hadn't gone home yesterday..."

"No. No, no, this isn't your fault."

"If I hadn't gone home, he wouldn't be dead."

"How do you know that?"

"What did he say when he called?"

"He said he was calling because he killed his son. That's all I know."

He closed his eyes.

Maybe if I'd stayed here...or hurried up while I was there...

"Cole. Look at me."

He didn't want to. He wanted to be alone for a while.

"No."

"I'm here if you need to talk, okay?"

He didn't respond and eventually he heard her leave. Good. He wanted to be alone. It was easier to remember how it felt to be high when he was alone.

* * * *

When Nancy went into the bedroom later, Cole was lying where she'd left him, looking at the rain. He was holding a plush snake in his hands.

"Cole?"

He didn't respond and she went to go sit by him. He didn't move when she did.

"Cole, it's not your fault."

Still nothing. She went to change into sweats. When she got back, he hadn't moved save to set the snake down on the nightstand. Nancy hugged her pillow and stayed quiet until he finally looked at her. His eyes were red.

"What am I supposed to feel?" he asked.

"Whatever you're feeling. It's normal to be confused."

"It is?"

"Yeah. Come on, you need to eat something so you can take a painkiller for your ribs."

"Not hungry."

"Still. You need to eat, Cole. Come on."

"I'm really not hungry."

"Too bad. Just a little bit, okay? A peach would be fine, if that's all you can take, but you need to eat. At least drink a glass of milk."

"Can I just have milk? Please?"

"Sure. I'll go get it. Sit up."

It took him a few minutes to sit up.

"I'm gonna go to bed after this."

"Okay. It's gonna turn out all right."

"Guess we'll see, huh?"

Nancy forced a smile but he didn't return it.

"I'll be right back."

He dropped his head back and closed his eyes.

"Whatever."

"Cole..."

"I just wanna go to sleep. Forget the milk."

She shrugged and went to take a shower.

### Chapter Sixty-One

Cole woke up alone the next morning. For a minute he wondered why he felt so sick, but then he remembered Sean. He got up, got a coffee, and shuffled over to the couch. He didn't feel very sorry that Sean was dead-if anything, he felt rather relieved.

Is that bad, I wonder?

He thought about it for a while but couldn't come to an answer. He turned on the cartoon channel and lay back on the couch. His chest really hurt.

I need a fix.

The phone rang and it took him a minute to get to it.

"Hello?"

"Cole Martin?"

"Who is this?"

"This is Officer Wilkes. Can we talk for a few minutes?"

"Officer...Wilkes?"

"That's right."

"I guess."

He made his way back to the couch and muted the TV.

"What do you want?"

"I want to talk to you about what happened on Tuesday."

"What do you wanna know?"

"I want you to tell me everything that happened as best you can. Okay?"

"I can try. I don't know how much I remember, though."

"Just try. If you remember anything later you can contact us."

"Okay. Um...I went home to get the rest of my stuff. I don't know what time I left. But I got there and he came home early. And...I don't remember very much after that. He grabbed a fireplace poker at some point, though."

"That's all you remember?"

"Sorry."

"It's okay. A few more questions and I'll let you rest. If you don't want to answer, just say so."

"It's okay, I don't mind."

"Was that sort of behavior...unusual for your father?"

Cole swallowed. He didn't want to go through this by himself, but he didn't want to do it later, either.

"No."

There was a sharp intake of breath at the other end.

"How long did this sort of thing go on?"

"I don't know. Long time. Long as I remember, anyway."

"Was it normally this...severe?"

You have a knack for understating shit, don't you?

"Sometimes. I don't always remember it very well."

"I know this is a painful topic, and I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Can I go now? I'm not feeling well."

"That's fine. I'll let you go."

"Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

He hung up and let the phone drop. He didn't want to talk about Sean right now. He didn't want to talk about him at all.

### Chapter Sixty-Two

Nancy was going through a stack of paperwork when a woman came in. She hadn't seen her before.

"Hi. Are you here for an appointment or to make one?"

"To make one, please."

She looked sad. She also looked vaguely familiar. Nancy started looking through the calendar.

"What do you need done?"

"Just a checkup."

"Are you free on the...twenty-eighth?"

"I think so. Let me see."

Nancy waited for a few minutes until the woman nodded.

"Your name, please?"

"Susan Martin."

Nancy dropped her pen.

Surely not...coincidence. It has to be coincidence.

She would ask Cole when she got home. But the name had to be a coincidence. Maybe she wouldn't ask him-no point in getting his hopes up. Besides, she had no idea what his feelings towards his mother were. Maybe he wouldn't want to see her.

"Do you have children?" she asked.

"My husband didn't want children."

That wasn't an answer, but Nancy let it go. She was probably wrong, anyways.

* * * *

Cole was not on the couch when Nancy got home.

"Cole? Cole, are you okay?" There was the sound of retching. "Cole?"

Nancy shoved the bathroom door open. Cole was lying on the floor, his clothes and hair soaked in sweat.

"Cole! What happened?"

"Puking." he mumbled.

"Can you go back to bed?"

"No...not again."

He sat up, gagging. Nancy held his hair away from his face and murmured ,"It's okay, it's okay." She felt sick.

"Come on. You need to get on a change of clothes and get in bed, okay? I'll bring you a bucket."

He shook his head.

"No, I just wanna stay here."

"No. You'll feel better if you don't. Come on."

Cole pulled himself up and leaned against the wall. Nancy decided to bring up his mother later. Like tomorrow.

"That's better. Come on."

"Hot."

"Shh. You'll feel better in a new t-shirt and sweats."

"I doubt it."

"Come on. Lie down and get some new clothes on, okay? I'm gonna get you some ice."

"Ice?"

"To suck on. You need to keep fluids down." She set a pair of sweats and one of his band t-shirts on the bed. "I'll be right back."

"Thanks."

"Sure. I'll bring a bucket when I come back."

Cole didn't move. Nancy went into the other room and got the bucket and a cup of ice. He hadn't budged when she got back.

"Cole. You need to change clothes. Come on, try to sit up."

Cole groaned.

"No."

"Yes. Come on, now." She set the cup down and tugged him upright. He winced and pulled back.

"Sorry."

"Tired."

"I know. Come on, get your shirt off." He coughed, leaned over, and vomited. "Oh, Cole. It's okay, you just need some rest."

"I can get it." he said, reaching for his shirt.

"Okay. Suck on some ice cubes, okay?"

"They won't stay down."

"Do it anyway. You'll get dehydrated."

"But..."

"Just one. Please?"

"Okay."

"Good. Want help?"

"I'm okay."

"Okay. I'm gonna take this out and I'll be right back. Okay?"

"Okay."

Nancy grabbed the bucket and headed for the door. Mrs. Harris from next door was outside, smoking a cigar.

"Nancy! Are you sick?"

"No. Cole is. He's got broken ribs. I think coughing makes him vomit."

"Poor thing. How's he doing otherwise?"

"Okay, I guess."

"Tell him I hope he's feeling better, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks."

"Sure thing."

Nancy went back inside and brought Cole his bucket back.

"You awake?"

"I think so. Feels like it."

"What happened?"

"Couldn't stop coughing. Pain made me puke."

"Did you have an ice cube?"

He nodded miserably.

"Made me puke."

"Can you try some ginger ale?"

"No."

"Okay. Get some sleep."

"Thanks."

"Shh."

"Nance?"

"Mm?"

"Is this normal?"

"I think so. Get some sleep."

* * * *

Cole had no idea what time it was. Nancy had come in and made him take a sip of water, but he'd puked it not long after. It was dark in the room.

"Cole? Are you up to eating anything?"

"No."

"How're you feeling?"

"Like crap."

There was the sound of slippers shuffling against the carpet and a glass was set down by his bed. He didn't want to know what was in it. What he wanted was a needle, a spoon, and a little plastic bag. Oh, and a lighter.

They say some people have simple tastes. Those sound pretty simple to me.

It was hot in the room and he debated on taking his shirt off. It sounded like too much work and he didn't bother. He cracked his eyes halfway to see if Nancy was still there, but she wasn't. Good. She'd probably lecture him on how it was 'normal' not to feel sorry about his dad. There was no way that was normal, not unless you were seriously fucked up.

Well, genius, no one ever said you were normal, did they?

He looked at his hands and studied the track marks. Some of them were fading, but most of them were still little red scars-or big red scars, sometimes. If he looked at them long enough, they would move.

Stupid ribs. Stupid Dad.

He looked over at the glass and saw that it was water. Maybe that would stay down. He took a sip, gagged, and squirmed closer to the bucket.

I knew it. I knew a drink was a bad idea. Stupid me this time.

He managed to get out of his shirt without incurring too much pain, but it was a mistake to throw it across the room. Maybe that was what made him spit up again. He wondered if he should take it out and figured, fuck it. I'll get it later.

### Chapter Sixty-Three

When Nancy came home from work a few days later, Cole was nowhere to be found. He wasn't puking, watching TV, or drawing. She eventually found him asleep on the bed, shirtless and half-propped up with pillows. One hand was on his thigh, the other on his stomach. She'd never seen him this relaxed. Now that she thought about it, she'd never seen him without a shirt, either.

He didn't look good-she could see bruises, especially where his broken ribs were. There were also track marks and other scars in various places, including what looked like a burn scar on his stomach. She stood there looking at him for a few minutes before going in as quietly as possible to get clean clothes. She was just pulling off her shirt when Cole mumbled, "Nance? That you?"

She jumped and spun around, shirt in hand.

"Did I wake you up?"

"No."

"How're you feeling?"

"Not good."

His eyes were half-closed and he didn't look like he was all there. She went over to him and sat on the bed.

"You okay?"

"My back hurts."

"Want me to see if something's wrong?"

For a minute he didn't move, then he worked his way onto his stomach. Nancy winced. His back was a mess of bruises and scars running from his shoulders to his waist and he was nearly see-through.

"Holy Jesus, Cole."

"What?"

"What happened to you?"

"What're you talking about?"

"You're a mess."

"Yeah. I know."

"What part were you talking about?"

"My lower back. Feels like there's a bruise or something."

"Welt." Nancy corrected. "About the size of my fist. See?"

"Oh, great. Another injury."

"Sorry."

"You didn't do it."

"What happened to you, Cole?"

"Now what?"

"There's a bunch of scars on your shoulders."

"I don't know. I don't remember where the scars come from sometimes."

Nancy frowned.

"These almost look like belt marks."

"Who knows."

He rolled back over and looked up at her.

"Everything hurts."

"I know."

"You don't know. Not until it's you like this instead of me."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't know."

"I'm gonna put my hand on your head, okay?"

"Why?"

"To see if you have a fever."

"I'm not sick."

"You were puking yesterday. Two seconds."

"Why?"

She sighed, suddenly exasperated with him.

"You can get pneumonia really easy when you have broken ribs, and you're prone to getting sick enough already. If you're even a little sick, we need to take steps to make it go away. See?"

"What's puking have to do with pneumonia?"

"If you get one thing, your immune system is going to be worse off than it already is. Two seconds and that's it, trust me."

"Why not the thermometer?"

"It broke because it's a piece of crap."

"Okay..."

"Two seconds."

He closed his eyes and nodded.

"If you say so."

His head was hot and tense and he shrank back from her hand.

"I'm not gonna hurt you, Cole, it's okay."

He didn't answer her. Nancy reached down for her grungy afghan and put it over him, but he shoved it off.

"Too hot."

"Okay."

"I'm not sorry."

"Sorry about what?"

"Dad."

"That's normal."

"You're not just saying that to shut me up, are you?"

"No. That's normal."

"I don't know."

"It is. Cole, he could have killed you. You don't have to be sorry. You didn't ask for anything like that, and you didn't deserve it."

"I guess. But he was my dad, Nance. Shouldn't I feel something besides relief?"

"No. And don't try to force yourself into feeling something you can't."

"Easier said than done."

"Yeah, I know."

She did know. But lately she was starting to think maybe Cole was right, maybe what Dr. Grey had done was not her fault.

"I'm gonna go back to sleep."

"Okay. The blanket's right by you, okay?"

"Thanks."

"Want me to wake you for dinner?"

"No thanks."

"Okay. Night, Cole."

"Thanks, Nancy."

When she glanced in an hour later, he was dead asleep.

* * * *

Cole was sleeping fitfully when Nancy came to bed for the night. He felt her lie down and heard the click of the lamp cord before drifting back into shadows. It was either fifteen minutes or an hour when he was woken up by Nancy having a nightmare. She was sobbing and scrunched up into a ball under the blankets.

"Nance? Wake up."

She didn't react. He didn't want to shake her, but she didn't look like she was going to wake up any time soon.

"Nancy. Wake up, Nance, you're having a nightmare."

He tugged the blankets back and turned on the lamp just as she sat up, blinking and reaching for something.

"Nancy! Nance, it's okay, snap out of it!"

Eventually the fear in her eyes went away and her breathing started to settle down.

"Cole?"

"Yeah. It's just me. You were having a nightmare."

"I was?"

"Yeah."

She blinked and shook her head.

"Don't remember."

"Nothing?"

"No."

Cole wasn't sure what to say. He didn't think Nancy was telling him the truth about not remembering, but whatever.

"I don't feel good." she said.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. Feels like cramps but it's not cramps."

"Do you need to see a doctor?"

"I'm okay. I think."

"If you're not better by tomorrow night, you should go in."

"We'll see."

She shrugged and disappeared under the blankets. Cole pulled the light cord and adjusted the pillows under his shoulders. He'd bring this up again tomorrow and see what she said then. Her hand rested on his arm and as much as he wanted to pull back, he didn't. It was starting to feel okay by the time he fell asleep.

### Chapter Sixty-Four

Cole was passed out on the couch when Nancy burst in, drenched and holding what he thought at first was a baby. Then he saw it was much too small to be a baby.

"Nance?"

"I couldn't leave it there." she sobbed. "Not with everything else dead."

"What is it?"

"You know that stray cat that sometimes lives around here?"

"Yeah."

"It died. And all the kittens died except this one...you didn't see it...I couldn't leave it there."

"You have a knack for bringing in damaged goods, don't you?"

She missed his point entirely and shrugged out of her coat. Now he could see that it was indeed a kitten, a gray one.

"Bring it here and go get changed."

"Thanks, Cole."

He shook his head. Nancy deposited the gray thing on the couch next to him and slipped into the bedroom without another word. The kitten was dirty and emaciated and Cole could make out at least one tick. It yawned and burrowed under the sheet. Cole hesitantly put his hand on its head and it purred. Well, at least it was friendly. It was kinda cute, actually. Nancy came back with a damp washcloth and tweezers.

"It has ticks."

"Yeah, I know. There's one up here on its head-see it?"

"Uh huh. Hold it still."

"Oh, so I'm the one that has to get scratched up."

"Fine, I'll hold it and you tweeze."

"I'll hold it."

The kitten did not like being held and Nancy and Cole ended the de-ticking covered in scratches and bites. Cole sighed.

"Now what?"

"I'm going to try and give it a bath so we can quit calling it an it."

"Want help?"

"If you're up to it. I think I can do it myself."

"S'okay. Let's see."

"You probably shouldn't." she said. "If you keep doing things, it's going to take a lot longer for you to heal."

"I'm okay."

"What about your head?"

"It's been a little better lately."

"You shouldn't."

"I'm fine."

Nancy shook her head.

"Okay..."

"I'm fine. Honest."

* * * *

The kitten didn't like the bath either, but when the scratching and shrieking were over, Cole could see that it was actually white, not gray.

"Go lie down. Take her with you and I'll be there in a few minutes."

Cole took the now-grouchy kitten back to the couch and set it down. His vision was fuzzy and his stomach hurt. Maybe he should have listened to Nancy and stayed down.

"Here. Take a drink and don't move any more. I'm gonna run up to the store, okay? Watch her."

It took him a minute to process what she'd said, and by then she was already gone.
Chapter Sixty-Five

Fuck, I've been hit with a sledgehammer.

Cole reached up to shove the crushing force off his chest and found fur. The kitten had pounced on him while he was asleep and hit one of his ribs.

For less than two pounds, that really, really hurt.

But now she was curled up on his stomach, staring at him with shiny eyes like he was her favorite thing in the world. Dammit, he couldn't be upset when she looked at him like that.

"You have to not jump on me, cat."

She purred, kneaded his stomach a bit, and went to sleep. The pressure hurt but he had learned earlier that moving her would result in scratches. Nancy came in.

"She likes you."

"About killed me a minute ago."

"She's two pounds. What could she possibly do?"

"Jump on my chest."

"Sorry."

"She's fine. I can't move her, though, because she'll hurt me."

"Want me to try?"

"Nah. She'll scratch you, too."

Nancy sat down next to him. He turned his head to face her out of habit, but it wasn't a comfortable position and he went back to his regular position.

"What do we name her?"

"I don't know. Killer Cat."

"No, that's lame."

"Survivor Cat."

"That's lame, too."

"You think of something."

"The Accident."

For some reason this struck them both as funny.

"And you said my ideas were lame!"

"Happy Face?"

"Not gonna work. I'm not calling my cat Happy Face."

"Your cat? Who said she was your cat?"

"She's sitting on me."

"And I rescued her."

"You were also the one with the soapy washcloth."

Nancy stuck her tongue out at him.

"She was grody. There was no way she was going to stay here when she was shedding dirt and ticks."

"Still. You were also the one with the tweezers."

"Someone had to do it! And it's not like we were planning on getting a cat. That's why we should name her The Accident."

"No. Not an option."

* * * *

Nancy eventually dug out the phone book and stabbed it with a pencil.

"Well? What is it?"

"Sadie."

"Fine."

The phone rang and the kitten flew under the sheet. The movement made Cole cough and Nancy got up to get the phone.

"Hello? Yes, he lives here. Hang on, let me see."

She came back and gestured to the phone. Cole held up a finger.

"Hang on...sure, I'll take a message. What's the number? One sec."

She went away again and Cole heard her repeating a number. He closed his eyes, not particularly interested in the person on the other end. He didn't notice when she came back until Sadie came back out from under the blankets and sat on his stomach, licking her paws.

"Who was that?"

"The coffee shop."

"Coffee shop?"

"Yes. Coffee shop. The one you gave the tree pictures to."

He had to think about it for a minute.

"Oh. Yeah. What'd they want?"

"There's a new art museum-thingy downtown."

"Yeah. And?"

"I'm getting there, jeeze! Anyways, they wanted to ask you if you wanted the art people's phone number."

"Why would I want their number?"

"Because they really like the trees and they want to see if there's anything else you can do. So today or tomorrow you have to call them back and see what this is exactly."

"I do?"

"Yes you do. This kinda thing doesn't come along every day. Call them back."

"I don't know..."

"Do it. What do you have to lose?"

"That's not what scares me."

"Then what's wrong?"

"I don't know."

"Call them anyways. Today or tomorrow, okay?"

"I guess."

The phone rang again.

"I hate that thing. Be right back."

Cole yawned and pulled a pillow under his shoulders. He needed a nap. When Nancy came in later, he was half asleep.

"Daddy's coming over tomorrow."

"Wha?"

"My dad is coming by tomorrow because he's going to be in the neighborhood."

"Why?"

"I don't know. Probably to give you the 'you hurt my daughter I'll hurt you' speech. Don't worry, he's harmless. But he has to give you the lecture."

"Better a lecture than more broken ribs, I guess."

"Don't worry."

Cole put his hand on the cat and swallowed. He didn't really want to meet anybody right now, but how bad could it be?

### Chapter Sixty-Six

Nancy was reading when Cole came out the next morning, phone in hand.

"I called them."

"Called who?"

"The art people."

"Oh. And?"

"They're gonna call me back after they look at the pictures the coffee shop gave 'em. And after that I don't know."

"It'll turn out fine, just wait and see."

He nodded and made himself comfortable on the couch next to her.

"What time is your dad coming over?"

"In about half an hour. Relax, he's harmless. It's his job as my dad to give you the lecture."

"I guess."

He lay down with his head in her lap and his eyes closed.

"Hi."

"Is this okay?"

"Yeah. How's your ribs?"

"They hurt like hell."

"And your head?"

"Things are a little fuzzy."

He pulled this sheet up to his chest. Nancy hesitated before combing her fingers through his hair and going back to her book. Cole sighed and moved so he was pressed up against the back of the couch.

"My chest really hurts."

"Want me to go to the store for anything?"

"No, no, I'm okay. It just hurts, that's all."

"Take a power nap until Daddy gets here, if you want."

"Maybe."

* * * *

Nancy lost track of time, and a knock on the door scared her.

"It's open!"

"Who is it?" Cole mumbled.

"Daddy."

"Mm."

John Hale came into the room, his wrists in braces. Cole raised a hand halfway.

"Mr. Hale?"

"Cole, right? Nice to meet you. I'd shake hands, but I can't do anything in these braces."

"What'd you do, Sir?"

"Carpal tunnel, no big deal. Hi, honey."

"Hi, Daddy."

Cole was tense and Nancy wanted to tell him to calm down. John sat down across from them and leaned forward.

"Nancy said you broke your ribs."

"Yes, Sir. Got jumped."

"Call me John."

Cole didn't answer to that. He only moved back a little bit and straightened his gloves. Nancy set her book down.

"How's mom?"

"Fine, I think. For her."

They chatted quietly for a few minutes more before John turned to Cole.

"It's my job to say this, so don't take it personally. If you hurt my daughter in any way, shape, or form, I will hunt you down with a shotgun and make you miserable. Clear?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Good."

"Daddy, be gentle." Nancy said. "He's a mess."

Cole shook his head.

"S'okay, Nance. He's just doing his job."

Nancy rolled her eyes.

* * * *

Cole faded out a bit after that. He could still hear Nancy and John talking, but he didn't know what about. Everything was a haze. He wasn't so sure if he liked John or not. On one hand, he seemed very nice and personable. On the other hand, Sean had seemed nice and personable, too-until the doors were closed.

"You two are behaving, aren't you?"

"Yes, Daddy."

Behaving? What's that supposed to mean...oh. Nance is from a religious family. Got it.

"You're sure?"

"Yes, Daddy."

"Good. Your sister was enough of a handful."

Cole could practically see Nancy's eye roll. He swallowed and adjusted his position a bit. The conversation continued a little longer, but Cole didn't catch any more.

* * * *

Cole hadn't woken up for most of the afternoon, save for a few minutes when John was leaving. Nancy let him be.

That had gone okay, she decided. Considering John had been less-than-pleased to find out she was dating an ex-addict, it had gone fine. If she could get Janet to be as accepting, things would be just about perfect.

Cole coughed and rolled over, his hand coming to rest on her knee. She wanted to move him, but he hadn't gotten a lot of sleep lately. Besides, she was kinda comfortable here.

"Nancy?"

"Hey."

"What time is it?"

"Around seven or so."

He yawned and sat up a little, his hair flopping into his face.

"I don't want dinner."

"What about a shower?"

"Uh-huh."

"Want help up?"

He shook his head.

"M'okay. Meet you in a little bit."

He looked taller than usual for some reason. Maybe he'd lost weight again. With everything going on, she wouldn't be surprised.

"Cole?"

He turned.

"What?"

She shook her head.

"Forgot. Never mind."

He vanished into the other room. A few minutes later, there was the usual "Fuck!" that came with picking up Sadie. Nancy repressed giggles and turned on the TV.

### Chapter Sixty-Seven

Cole was lying on the hide-a-bed, half-asleep, when there was a sudden banging on the door. Sadie fled for the bedroom and Nancy blinked and gave the door the finger before replacing her hand on his stomach.

"Who is it?"

"Who cares. I'm going back to sleep."

That was a good idea. He put his arm back around her and was about to close his eyes again when the door opened and someone came in. He didn't recognize her at first, but the high, annoying voice gave her away. Janet.

Fuck my life.

"Go away, Jan."

"I've been calling for the past week!"

"The phone lines are down here. Remember that big storm? How'd you get in, anyway?"

"You two need to put your key somewhere original."

"Well, go away. We're sleeping, for crying out loud. When no one answers the door, they're either busy or not home."

Cole nodded his agreement. Janet's eyes shot to him.

"What happened to you? Are you okay?"

"Fine. A little beat up, but fine."

Nancy nestled a little closer to him and closed her eyes. Cole really wanted Janet to get out. Neither of them had gotten much sleep the night before, and today was supposed to be a nap day.

"Were you two asleep?"

"About to be."

"What happened, Cole?"

"He's a little out of it from the meds they've given him. You'll have to wait for another day."

Thank you, Nance.

Janet didn't look like she bought it, but she did shut up.

"You two need to get out more. Hey! You should come to the movies with me tomorrow!"

"No. We're tired and busy. Maybe another day."

"Busy?"

"Jan, please just go, okay? We're exhausted."

Janet stayed for a few more minutes until Nancy finally mentioned that she'd had the stomach flu recently. When the door closed behind her, Cole was relieved. Nancy yawned and wrapped herself in her blanket before settling back down.

"I'm going back to sleep, Cole."

He nodded and pulled his blanket up a bit.

"Nightmares?"

"Yeah."

"Wake me up if you need me."

"I'm fine..."

"No. If you need me, wake me up. It's okay, I don't mind."

"But..."

"Promise you'll wake me up if you start dreaming again."

"Okay..."

"Promise."

"Promise."

"Good. Night."

"Night."

* * * *

Cole couldn't go back to sleep. Nancy had fallen asleep a little bit ago, and she was pressed too close against Cole for comfort, but he didn't bother moving her. She was warm and he wasn't.

I need a nap.

Nancy sighed and her hand clenched his shirt.

"Nance? You up?"

She was not up, but she'd gotten very tense. Dreams?

"Nancy?"

She didn't respond and he let her be. He needed sleep, too.

"Cole, please...no more, no more..."

"Nancy?"

She was rigid, her hand clutching his shirt tight enough to make her knuckles white. He pried her hand off him and sat up. His ribs protested.

"No more, no more..."

"Wake up, Nance, it's okay."

He could make out tears on her face. He didn't want to see her cry, but he didn't want to shake her, either. That would probably only make it worse.

"Nancy, wake up, it's okay."

"Stop...please, stop..."

"Nance. Wake up, it's okay."

She sat up, hands reaching blindly for something. He moved back a bit and said softly, "Nancy?"

She blinked and stared at him for a second before bursting into tears and pulling the blanket around herself. He wasn't sure what to do, what to say. If there was some sort of special feel-better phrase, he had no clue what it was. He ended up bringing her a juice box and her teddy bear. She took them both without a word.

"Want to talk about it?"

A quick shake of the head. He nodded and leaned against the arm of the couch. After a few minutes, Nancy's sobs turned into hiccups, which eventually faded into silence. Cole sat there, looking at his hands, and was startled when Nancy finally spoke.

"Make him go away, Cole."

Her voice was flat, expressionless, and it scared him.

"Make who go away?"

"The boogey man."

"Dr. Grey?"

She nodded.

"He looks like a boogey man. His eyes aren't right. And his voice is wrong."

"Shh. He's gone, he can't hurt you any more. Don't worry."

"He's not gone. He's in my head."

"He's gone. Look at me."

She did. Her eyes were as flat as her voice and it hurt Cole to look at them. He didn't know where else to look and eventually settled for a spot on the wall behind her.

"He's gone, Nancy, he can't hurt you any more. If he shows up and even so much as says 'hi' to you, I'll make sure he backs off real quick, okay?"

"How?"

Good question.

"Let's not go into details, huh? Just trust me. I won't let him bother you any more, I promise."

She nodded and dropped her eyes again. Cole reached over to put the blanket around her shoulders. She didn't shy away. She didn't really do anything except sit there and hug her bear. After a few minutes, she shuffled closer to him and hugged him instead.

"Make him go away."

"He's gone, he's gone. It's okay."

"It's not okay. He's still here."

"Shh. He can't hurt you any more. Trust me."

He felt her nod against his shoulder.

"Okay."

"Good. Can you go back to sleep?"

"No."

"Okay."

"Don't go away."

"Where would I go?"

"I don't want to be alone any more."

"Shh. You're not alone, I'm right here."

She shrugged and didn't say anything. Cole wasn't sure what to say to her and decided on keeping quiet.

"Thanks, Cole."

"Shh."

"Cole?"

"Mm?"

"Are you sure he's gone?"

"Yeah." he said. "He's gone."

She didn't answer.

### Chapter Sixty-Eight

"Dammit, Susan, stay out of it! He deserves what he got!"

"You're going to kill him, Sean! I'm not going to stick around and watch you kill my son!"

"Then get out!"

Cole watched, wide-eyed, through the banisters. His mother was throwing things into a suitcase and shouting at Sean.

"Do you have any idea what you do to him? Are you blind? He couldn't eat dinner because his jaw was swollen! Do you love him at all?"

"More than you! You'd be happy to spoil him to death! Now get out!"

"I'll finish packing!"

"Hurry up, then!"

Cole scuttled back to bed and pretended to be asleep.

"Cole? Sweetie?" He didn't move. "I'm sorry."

He wanted to ask why, but Sean would be mad at him for being awake. Susan left the room and came back.

"Cole. Cole..."

"Cole. Cole, wake up. Wake up, you're dreaming." Cole struggled up, coughing. Nancy took her hands from his shoulders. "You were having a nightmare."

"I don't remember. Did I wake you up?"

"Partly."

"Sorry."

"It's okay." He swallowed and took as deep a breath as possible. "Can you go back to sleep?"

He shook his head. "I don't think so. Ribs hurt. Can't breathe."

She put her hand on his forehead. It was cool and dry and soft. He could feel a small scar on her palm and wondered where she'd gotten it. She took her hand away and helped him lie back down.

"Sorry."

His throat hurt and it felt swollen.

"Shh. I'd rather wake you up then have you having nightmares. Just go back to sleep, if you can."

"Thanks."

She turned the light back off and Cole rolled over. For some reason it was easier to sleep on his injured side.

"Nancy?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you had any more nightmares?"

"No. Now go to sleep."

"Sorry."

"It's okay, just go to sleep. Remember, you have a doctor's appointment tomorrow."

He'd forgotten. Now that she mentioned it, he really didn't want to go. The doctor would probably bring up his addiction, and he didn't want to talk about that, not with someone he didn't know.

"I don't wanna go."

"Still. You have to go. Now go to sleep."

He sighed but shut up. After lying there for a good half-hour, he gave up and went out to watch TV. There was nothing on. Sadie jumped up on his lap just a light went on.

"Cole? You okay?"

"Didn't want to keep you up."

"I can't sleep, you know that."

"I guess."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine."

She sat down next to him.

"You really don't want to go to the doctor, do you?"

"No."

"Why not? It's twenty minutes at the most and you're done. And I'll go with you."

"It's not that."

"Then what's wrong?"

He gestured to his hands.

"What do you think? You've seen how people get when I go to the grocery store. How do you think a doctor's going to react when they see all the health problems that come with it? I know I'm screwed up. I can't breathe, I'm sick constantly, and on top of that I've got this stupid scar..."

"Cole."

"What."

"It's okay. I'm gonna be right there with you, and if they give you crap, I'll give them crap."

"How."

"All people in the medical profession fear lawsuits."

He forced a smile.

"I guess."

"They do!"

"How do you know that."

"Everyone knows that. And I'm going to be a nurse, remember? That's something they tell you every day-don't get sued."

"Seriously?"

"Well...only one teacher tells us that. But she's right."

His smile was genuine this time.

"I guess."

"Trust me."

"Just don't leave me alone with these people. Please?"

"Why would I do that?"

"I don't know."

He still didn't want to go back to bed, but he was feeling a little better now. Well, apart from the fact that he'd remembered his mother. He didn't like to remember her-she'd left him.

"Cole? Are you okay?"

"Spaced."

"What were you dreaming about earlier?"

"I don't remember."

"You were saying something about your mom."

"I don't remember, Nancy."

"Okay."

"I'm just gonna stay out here. You can go back to bed, if you want."

"Want me to pull the bed out for you?"

"I'm okay."

He felt her stand up.

"Okay. See you in the morning."

"Night, Nance."

### Chapter Sixty-Nine

Nancy found Cole still awake on the couch the next morning, clutching a cup of coffee.

"How're you feeling?"

"Chest hurts."

"How's your head?"

"Better."

"Good."

He yawned and slumped into the cushions.

"How'd you sleep?"

"Okay, I guess. Please say you got some rest."

He didn't respond. Nancy went to get a coffee before sitting down next to him and turning on the news. A picture of a man popped up. The man looked a little like Cole, but his eyes were hard and gray instead of blue.

"There was a suicide last Friday..."

Cole hit the off button hard enough for the remote to make a cracking sound.

"Cole?"

"He won't fucking leave. He's dead and he won't leave."

"Was that your dad?"

He nodded. Nancy took the remote and his coffee from him made him look at her. His eyes were shiny and his teeth were clenched.

"Why won't he leave?"

"He's gone, Cole, it's okay."

He shook his head and took a deep breath that made him cough.

"He's not gone, he's always gonna show up when I don't expect him. Him and that bitch that was supposed to be my mother."

Nancy was glad she hadn't mentioned Susan Martin. She'd never heard Cole talk like this before.

"Cole?"

"She left me. She left me so she wouldn't have to put up with him any more. What did she think I had to put up with?"

Nancy wasn't sure what to say. Cole didn't seem to expect a response.

"Cole?"

"She fucking left."

"I don't think she..."

"Meant to? She meant to. She walked out on us in the middle of the night. Of course she meant to."

His voice was thick and shaky. Nancy reached over-to do what, she didn't know yet-and he slumped against her.

"Why me?"

"Shh. It's okay, it's okay."

"She left, Nance. She walked out. Why me, what did I do?"

"Nothing, you didn't do anything. She made a stupid mistake, that's all, it wasn't your fault."

"How do you know?"

"None of that was your fault, Cole. It's never your fault."

"But..."

"Shh. Trust me, it's not your fault. Look at me."

He raised his head a little bit. His eyes were blank.

"What."

"It's not your fault. None of that was your fault, none of it."

"You don't know that. You don't know the half of it."

"Tell me."

"No."

"Then just believe me. Please?"

He dropped his head back down.

"I don't know."

"You do. Deep down you know you didn't deserve any of that."

He slid down so he was lying on her lap, staring at a crack in the wall. Nancy folded his hands around his coffee mug and repeated, "You didn't deserve any of that."

He took a sip. The motion reminded her of an amusement park robot.

"I don't know."

"You do. Don't worry. It's over now, it's all done. They're gone."

"They're not gone." He pointed to the TV. "They're always gonna come back when I'm not expecting them."

"That's what your nightmare was, huh."

He nodded and took another sip of his coffee.

"Yeah. I'd forgotten about it."

She wasn't sure what he was talking about, but she didn't ask. He didn't look like he was all there, anyway.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"Do you want to talk?"

"Uh-uh."

"Okay."

He put the coffee down and rolled over.

"I'm going to go to sleep."

"Doctor's appointment is at noon..."

"It's only six."

"Okay. Get some sleep."

"Thanks."

"Shh."

She turned the TV back on and flipped to the cartoon channel.

* * * *

Cole didn't remember falling asleep. When he woke up later he was confused for a few minutes before the events of that morning trooped into his head.

Dad. Mom. Suicide. Something about the news.

He became aware that he was lying on Nancy's lap and that his ribs hurt.

"Cole. Cole, wake up. We have to get ready to go now."

Go? Go where...shit.

What time is it?"

"Ten."

"I don't wanna go."

"Still. It's for your own good."

His father had said that many times, but Nancy sounded like she was serious. He didn't move.

"Please don't make me go."

"Don't be silly. It'll be okay, twenty minutes at the most, I bet. Come on, wake up all the way."

Sitting up hurt and Nancy had to support him for a minute while the dizziness faded.

"I don't wanna go."

"I know."

"Nance?"

"Yeah?"

"Am I being ridiculous?"

"No."

He shrugged and made himself stand up.

"Are you sure I have to go?"

"Yes."

"I hate doctors."

"Still."

He shrugged

Ow, I really have to remember not to do that.

and went to go take a shower.

* * * *

The doctor's office was cold and white and filled with people. There were three children in there and their parents pulled them back when Cole and Nancy walked in.

"See?" he hissed. "This is why I hate doctor's offices. There's always children in them and their parents act like I'm going to go Needle Ninja on them or something."

"Shh. They're just idiots, they don't know any better."

"I guess."

A woman appeared at the door.

"Cole Martin?"

"I don't wanna go."

"You're going."

The back of the building smelled like disinfectants and sickness and vomit...but the vomit could have been his imagination.

"Nance?"

"It's not that bad. Either you go in there or deal with moms."

"Okay, I'll go."

"Good. Now go."

The nurse was waiting for them in a white room with an ugly picture of sunflowers on the far wall.

"Okay. I'll have to ask you to stand on the scale..."

Cole ran a hand through his hair but did what she said.

"How tall are you?"

"Five nine."

"You're underweight, hon."

"Yeah, I know."

"Okay, sit down, the doctor will be in in a few minutes."

"Okay."

She left and Cole flopped down on the paper-covered table.

"I think I hate this already."

"It's not that bad."

"I know I'm underweight! I'm not stupid."

"You're also stressed out right now. Relax."

He looked over at her. She looked ill at ease but at least she wasn't having one of her moments.

"Nance? You okay?"

"Yeah. I just hate that smell. It makes me sick."

"That makes two of us."

The door opened and a short, skinny man with bad acne came in. He was wearing thick glasses and he kept rubbing his hands together like he was nervous. Cole didn't know why he would be nervous. If anyone was going to be nervous in a doctor's office, it should be the patient.

"Cole?"

"Yes."

"You're in here for...concussion and broken ribs, right?"

"Yes, sir."

"Concussion first. I want you to look at this light here, okay?"

"Okay."

* * * *

"That wasn't so bad."

"No, I guess not."

"Come on. He didn't ask you one question outside of ones about your head and ribs."

"Yeah, I know. Want Chinese food?"

"Sure. Americanese or real?"

"Americanese. I want fake noodles."

Nancy rolled her eyes at him but didn't say anything. At least he was in a better mood now.

"How's this?"

"Mm. Fake noodles. And rice. And orange chicken."

"Oh, good. You're hungry."

"Yeah."

"How's it going?"

"Ribs hurt."

"I'm not surprised. At least your head's okay."

"Nancy!"

Nancy spun around. Janet was waving at them.

"Oh, fuck."

"What...oh. Fuck is right."

"How are you guys?"

"Fine."

"What's up?"

"Doctor's appointment."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, I know."

"What are you doing today, Janet?"

"Errands."

"Bummer. How's your niece?"

That was a good topic. Janet would go on about her niece for hours if Nancy let her. Cole yawned and leaned against the booth with his eyes closed. Nancy was half-zoned out when Janet said, "I saw Dr. Grey yesterday."  
Cole sat up immediately and Nancy scooted closer to him.

"Did you?"

"Yeah. He asked about you...are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

You have no idea, Jan.

"Nance hasn't been feeling too well." Cole said. His voice sounded like it was coming from very far away. "She got a cold and she's still a little fuzzy."

"Still?"

"Yeah."

She was vaguely aware of Janet standing up and managed to force out a, "See you."

"Nancy. Nance, look at me."

She didn't think she could move. Breathing was an effort and she really couldn't see. Hands settled on her shoulders and she felt herself being turned around.

"Nancy, listen to me. It's okay, you're okay. Just listen to me."

She blinked and took a deep breath. Cole's face came into blurry focus.

"Cole?"

"Yeah. Right here. You okay?"

She managed a nod.

"Y-yes."

"Good. What happened?"

"I don't know. It was just...this feeling of defenselessness and scared and..."

"Shh, shh. It's okay. Just calm down, okay? It's okay."

It was easier to breathe now, but she felt uneasy and shaky. Cole took his hands from her shoulders.

"Nance, have you thought about maybe...um...talking to someone?"

"Talking?"

"Don't take it the wrong way, but yeah. Maybe it would help with the nightmares? It doesn't have to be a professional, it can be me if you want, but it might help if you don't bottle everything up."

"I don't wanna bug you with this..."

"Nance, this isn't like you stressing over your math grade. This is a big deal. If you think it would help to talk about it, then talk about it. It's okay."

"I don't know..."

"I'm not making you, but if you think it would help, then go ahead."

She shrugged.

"I don't know."

"Just think about it."

"Okay."

"Good...food's here. Hungry?"

Now that it was here, she realized she was hungrier than she thought.

"Thanks, Cole."

"Yeah, sure."

Lunch was a quiet affair after that

### Chapter Seventy

Cole had forgotten about the art people until Nancy shoved the phone into his hand and whispered, "Art people."

"Hello?"

"Cole Martin?"

"Yeah."

"We like the trees, but I get the feeling you have more in you than that."

"Well...I have a few sketches I could show you, and one finished thing. The finished thing belongs to my girlfriend, though, so it's off-limits."

"Okay. Could you take a picture of that and maybe send in the sketches?"

"Sure. Where do I send them?"

The man on the other end gave him an address and hung up.

"You're not giving them mine, are you?"

"Of course not. I told them it's off-limits."

"Good. Otherwise I might have to kick you out...wait. I'd chain you to the table and have you draw as many pictures as I want."

"Mm."

She lay facedown next to him.

"I don't wanna do my math homework."

"Are you stuck?"

"Yes."

"Want help?"

"No, thanks."

He was worried about her. She'd been getting up at odd hours to have a cigarette and she was looking thinner than usual. He knew she hadn't gotten much sleep lately but every time he brought it she changed the subject.

"How are you feeling lately?"

"Tired. I'll be happy when it's break and I can sleep."

"Wanna take a nap today?"

"No, I'm okay. Really. How's your ribs?"

"Sore."

"Take something."

"Nothing works. Maybe it would have seven years ago or so, but not now."

"That'll fade eventually."

"I don't know. No painkiller is gonna work as well as it did."

She rolled over to face him.

"Sometimes I wish I could be religious again. I'd pray for you."

"I'm glad you're not. Then if you turned out to be right, and we died in some freak accident, we wouldn't get separated."

"Why do you say that?"

"God doesn't take junkies like me."

"I'd nag until He came to get you."

"Still. Selfishly, I'm glad you're not religious. I can have road rage without you giving me dirty looks."

"You've driven with me before. I'm just as bad as you."

"Good point. I guess we go to Hell anyway."

"Well, Hell is my sister's house...wanna go on a roadtrip?"

Sadie jumped up onto the couch and sat on Cole's stomach.

"No. I don't wanna get scratched trying to get up to pack."

Nancy laughed and rolled over. Her hair was in her face but she didn't move it.

"How's bacon sound for dinner?"

"Bacon?"

"Yes."

"Sure."

He didn't want to upset her, but he had to ask.

"Nance, how are you doing?"

"Me? Fine. Why?"

"You're sure? You're handling everything okay?"

"What are you...oh. Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. You know, considering. Better than I was six months ago. Better than when I met you."

"Good."

"Don't worry about me, I'm okay."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. Want dinner now?"

"If we have cinnamon rolls."

"We do."

"Then yes."

He watched her go into the other room and thought that she was a terrible liar.

### Chapter Seventy-One

"You're quiet today, Cole."

"Sorry."

"Are you okay?"

"Sore ribs, that's all. And artist's block."

"Can I look at your book?"

"If you want."

"You don't mind?"

"Nope."

There was nothing but the sound of pages turning for a few minutes. He was zoned out again when Nancy gasped.

"What is this?"

"What?"

She put the book down in front of him. He found himself staring at a picture of Jesus Christ, crucified on a needle.

"Oh. That. It's old."

"It's scary."

"I guess."

"When did you do this?"

"A long time ago. Probably around the time heroin started to suck."

"You should redo it, make it bigger."

That was not a bad idea. Before he could think about it further, the phone rang. It was the police.

"Hello?"

"Cole?"

"Yes, sir."

"How are you feeling?"

"Okay, I guess."

"There's one question I forgot to ask you-do you know anything of your mother's whereabouts?"

"No. And I really don't care. If she turns up, don't mention me."

"Okay." The officer sounded startled.

"I don't think she will. If she cared, she would've stayed. But good luck."

He hung up before the man could ask anything else. Nancy hadn't moved from the doorway.

"Cole?"

She sounded scared. He didn't like it when she sounded like that.

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

"You sounded upset."

"I'm fine!"

She stepped back.

"Okay."

"Nancy..."

But she was gone, probably into their room. He wasn't sure what to do. He stood up, took a step towards the bedroom, and turned back to the kitchen wall. That was the perfect size for a large piece of paper to hang.

"Nance? I'm gonna go to the store, okay?"

"Why?"

"Art stuff. Do you need anything?"

"No."

"See you in a little bit!"

He said good-bye to Sadie and left.

* * * *

When Nancy came out an hour later, she found Cole taping a large piece of thick paper to the kitchen wall.

"What are you doing? Go lie down."

"No. Later."

"Why?"

"Nance, I'm trying to work, okay? Just...no. I'm fine."

She shook her head and took Sadie with her to work on homework.
Chapter Seventy-Two

"What'd you get for question eight?"

"Um...thirty-six?"

"I got forty-five."

Nancy frowned. She wished Cole was awake to help them out, but he had fallen asleep twenty minutes ago. She didn't feel that sorry for him-he'd stayed up until midnight drawing the night before.

"We're both wrong. It's twelve."

"I'm confused."

"We'll ask on that one."

Janet shoved her book away from her and looked at Cole.

"Are you sure about this, Nancy?"

"I just told you I'm confused."

"No, no. About Cole."

"What do you mean about Cole?"

"Nancy..." Janet stopped. She looked uncomfortable. Nancy leaned back and waited.

"Well?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but...are you sure you're happy? I mean, he's a junkie for Christ's sake..."

"Ex."

"No. Once a junkie, always a junkie."

"Janet, I don't know what your problem is, but you don't know him. You've met maybe five times-if that."

"Hear me out."

Nancy rolled her eyes.

"What now?"

"How much do you really know about him? I hardly ever see you any more. I'm not jealous or anything, I'm just worried. Look at all those news stories..."

"Jan, I worked in a rehab clinic for three years. The news focuses on the idiots. Most of them are normal people who made a mistake. Cole is a normal person who made a mistake, that's all."

"He tried to commit suicide, Nancy!"

"How do you know about that?"

Janet pointed at his wrist.

"I've seen that scar, you know. A couple of times. Now you look me in the eye and tell me that was a kitchen accident."

"Janet, you don't know the half of it. So just get used to things, okay? Remember that jerk you dated in high school?"

"Yes."

"Remember how I begged you to leave him?"

"This is different."

"Not really. You didn't listen to me. Granted, he was like...King Asshole, but you still didn't listen to me. I gave up. You need to do the same."

Janet frowned.

"Nancy, he cheated on me. That's not the same thing as going out with someone who might use you for a drug habit."

"He's not using, Jan. Trust me, that's over and done with. So drop it."

"Then how, exactly, did he end up mugged?"

"Jeeze! You're not gonna give him a break, are you? Shit happens, you know that. People get mugged all the time. Now stop. Either we go back to the math or I have to start dinner and you have to go home."

Janet stood up and started packing.

"Fine. Just think about this, okay? I'm worried about you."

Nancy didn't answer. Janet left and Nancy heard the door close. Cole sighed and rolled over onto his side. He looked like a little kid.

"Cole?"

He didn't answer and she shook him a little.

"Wake up, Cole, it's five. Come on, you gotta wake up a bit."

"Five more minutes..."

"No. Now."

He swallowed. Nancy shook him again.

"Why?"

"Because it's five o' clock, it's time to wake up or you won't get much sleep tonight. Come on, wake up."

"Mm..."

"Please?"

He sat up for a second before flopping back down.

"Ow."

"You look like a rag doll."

"Janet left?"

"A while ago, yeah. You fell on asleep on us."

"Sorry."

"We'd better not fail this test."

"You won't."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. You'd better not fail it, or I'm not gonna help you again."

"Liar."

"Yeah."

"Come on, sit up. You're falling back asleep on me here."

"Uh-huh."

"Co-ole!"

"Okay, okay."

He sat up again and reached over to pet Sadie. She bit him.

"What'd you do to deserve that?"

"I don't know."

He tried to make a fist and winced. Nancy looked over at his hand.

"You should probably take a break from drawing for a day or so."

"Why?"

"Look at your hand."

He did.

"Ow."

"Yeah. Just give it a break."

"Will I ever be able to use it again?"

"You didn't do that much damage, fortunately, but if you'd listened to me and gotten stitches it would have been better."

"I didn't want to get locked up. I'm not crazy."

"I wouldn't have let you get locked up. We could have told him it was a moving accident-you know, a couch or something cut you."

"Sorry."

"It's okay. Are you awake all the way now?"

"My hand hurts."

"Don't use it. When it gets all swollen like you should give a break."

"How am I supposed to work like this?"

"You don't. Go soak it in hot water and don't use it today or tomorrow."

He went. Nancy stretched out and thought about what Janet had said.

Maybe she'd understand more if I told her...

But that was not an option. Janet would overreact and drag her off somewhere to tell police and...just no. Telling Janet was a bad idea.

* * * *

Cole was making a pot of soup when Nancy came up behind him and put her hands in the pockets of his sweater.

"Hi."

"What are you doing?"

"Dinner."

"Are you using your hand?"

"I'm using my good hand."

"You'd better be."

"Thanks for the concern."

He felt her rest her head against his back and wondered what she was looking at.

"That picture of yours is kinda scary."

"Yeah."

"Why's it so...dark?"

"I drew it at a dark time."

"Who are those people standing around him?"

"My parents and this girl that had sex with me on a dare and gave me crap about until we graduated."

"What?"

"I'm serious. It was at a party I snuck out to go to, and she dragged me upstairs and pretty much made me get in bed with her and...um...you get the idea. And for the next two years she'd bitch and moan about it as much as possible. Got her friends to do it, too."

"It wasn't fun?"

"No. I didn't want to be there. That's the thing people don't understand about heroin. Your dream girl could be standing naked in front of you and all you know is that she's blocking the TV, if you notice her at all."

"Why'd you do it?"

"I was a little drunk, very confused...stupid choice. Normal high school choice. And I'll give her this-she wasn't totally fugly. I don't know what I was thinking. Maybe I'd regret it more if I remembered it more."

Nancy nodded.

"I didn't like my first time, either."

"Why not?"

"He was a jerk. And he drooled."

"Oh. I'm sorry. She didn't drool, exactly, but she did scream. Like, fake screams. I wanted to slap her."

"I slapped mine. Two weeks later, yes, but it felt good."  
"What'd he do?"

"Figured that since he got lucky once he was allowed to feel me up in public. Jerk."

"Nance, guys don't know. We have to risk a few things to see what'll work."

"Now he knows that doesn't work."

"I guess."

Something struck him. Nancy was talking about sex. That was new. Maybe she really was doing okay.

"Are you gonna color the picture?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"It would lose its...I don't know, it wouldn't be the same if I did that."

"Do you ever color your stuff?"

"No. My teacher thought I was color blind, especially because I always wore a black sweater and jeans."

"Like you do now?"

"Just about."

"I like this sweater. I might steal it from you."

"No."

"Dammit."

He laughed.

"You'll live."

"I'm cold."

"You just want my sweater."

"Maybe..."

"No."

"What do you think they'll do with your work?"

"Give it back."

"Seriously!"

"I'm serious. I'm not that good, you know that."

"Are you blind? You are that good."

"You're my girlfriend. It's your job to say that."

"It is not. I'm not a nice person. I'd tell you if you sucked."

"Thanks, Nancy."

"Mm."

There was no sound for a few minutes except for the rain hitting the windows.

"Cole?"

"Yeah?"

"Are we ever gonna be normal?"

He had to think about that for a few minutes.

"I think we're as close to normal as we're ever gonna get." he said at last. "And that's pretty damn close."

He felt her take a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"That's good enough, I guess."

"Yeah. That's good enough."

### Chapter Seventy-Three

Nancy was halfway through her math exam when something hit her.

I haven't had nightmares for a month.

Now that she thought about it, she hadn't really thought about Dr. Grey at all lately.

Wow. Maybe I'm better now.

With that happy thought in her head, she went back to her math exam.

* * * *

Cole didn't hear Nancy come in. He didn't realize anyone was there until she put her hand on his shoulder and tugged him backwards.

"Stop. You've done enough."

"What?"

"Look at your hand."

"But I'm..."

"Working, yes, I know. But stop."

"Nance..."

"No. No more. Put the pencil down."

Now that she mentioned it, the pencil was closer to a nub of lead than an actual pencil. His fingers were also stuck in the grip position around it and Nancy eventually pried it away from him.

"How'd your test go?"

"Great! I think."

"Good. You'd better not fail it."

"Shut up."

He was shaking a little and his ribs hurt. Maybe a break wasn't a bad idea.

"What other classes did you have today?"

"English, but it got canceled."

"Cool."

"I guess."

"You okay?"

"I think so."

He turned away from the picture and stumbled over to the couch, the pain in his ribs becoming more noticeable as the minutes passed. Nancy disappeared into the back of the apartment-probably for a shower-and Sadie padded out and jumped up on his lap. She was getting bigger.

"Hey, Nance?"

"What?"

"Do we want to do anything on Saturday?"

"I don't know. Why?"

"Just wondering."

"I'm gonna take a shower. Don't draw any more today!"

"Okay, okay."

He waited for Sadie to move before getting up to have a cigarette.

### Chapter Seventy-Four

Susan Martin came in with red eyes and a swollen nose. Nancy reached for her orange juice.

"Mrs. Martin?"

She nodded and blew her nose. Nancy decided that maybe she should get some more orange juice on the way home from work.

"Yes."

"You're a little early. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thank you."

Nancy shrugged and went back to her paperwork. When she glanced up again, Susan was looking at a picture of a little boy with black hair.

"Is that your son?"

Susan jumped and stuffed the picture in her purse.

"Yes."

"Children bring so much joy."

"I guess they can."

She burst out crying and Nancy went over and handed her a box of tissues.

"It's okay, it's okay. Here you go."

"Thanks."

She nodded and went back behind her desk. She was pretty sure this was Cole's mother, but she wasn't sure how to tell him.

Maybe I shouldn't...he doesn't seem to like her very much.

But the woman in front of her seemed very sad. Nancy wasn't sure what to do.

"Ma'm?" she asked. "Ma'm, are you okay?"

Susan nodded and blew her nose.

"Sorry."

"It's okay, Ma'm. Do you need a cup of water?"

"No, thank you."

"Okay."

I'm gonna tell him. He can do what he wants with the information.

She hoped he would take it well. He'd finally started to relax about his parents and she was hesitant to bring them up again.

* * * *

Cole hadn't worked on his picture that day. His hand hurt and so did his ribs. He was lying on the couch with Sadie when Nancy came in. She looked off and he panicked-had she run into Dr. Grey or something?

"Hey, Nance."

"Hi."

"How was work?"

"Okay."

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Did you work on your picture today?"

"No, I'm not feeling so good."

"Good. Your hand needs a break."

She sounded distracted. He shooed Sadie off his lap and sat up.

"What's wrong?"

"Is it that obvious?"

"Yes. What's wrong?"

She came over and sat down next to him.

"I think I saw your mother today."

"What?"

"Yeah. She's...um...a patient at the office."

"How do you know it's her?"

"She looks like you. And she has a picture that looks like it could be you. Like, a younger you. Does that make sense?"

"I guess."

"I think she's sorry, Cole, I really do. She came in crying today."

"So? Maybe she got broken up with. Why should I care? She didn't care about me, I don't need to care about her."

"Do you?"

"No! I don't care what she's doing. She could be dying in the hospital and I wouldn't want to see her. So drop it."

"No. You listen to me. I really think she's sorry. Just think about this, Cole. People make mistakes, you know that."

"That's not a mistake. That's a conscious decision. She could have taken me with her. She could have filed for divorce. But she took off in the middle of the night and left me there. That's a choice, and I'm done. I don't want anything to do with her, okay? So drop it."

"Okay."

"Thank you."

"I'm gonna take a shower."

"Okay."

He lay back down.

I don't want to see her. I don't. If she cared about me at all she would have stayed or taken me with her.

But there was a voice in the back of his head whispering, Maybe she wasn't thinking.

He shook his head. He wasn't going to make the mistake of trusting her again. She'd left his life voluntarily, he wasn't going to try and drag her back into it. She was probably having a bad day, that was all. PMS or something. That would make sense.

Maybe she's really sorry.

Sadie pawed at his knee.

"What?"

She did it again before jumping off the couch to play with his shoelaces. He looked at his hands.

What to do, what to do?

He didn't want to see her. He didn't, dammit, and he wasn't going to.

### Chapter Seventy-Five

"Cole? Can you drive me to work?"

"Sure, why?"

"Because I want you to go to the store and then pick me up."

"Short day?"

"I'm only going to be there for a few minutes to drop off some paperwork for Mary."

"Okay. What do we need at the store?"

"There's a list on the table."

"Okay. You ready?"

"Yeah. Thanks for this."

He picked up the list and put it in his pocket. Nancy locked Sadie in the bathroom and put the keys in his hand.

"Remember-people are stupid. They don't mean to cut you off, so don't yell at them."

"You're one to talk."

* * * *

Cole dropped everything on the counter. He heard the unmistakable huff of disgust from the cashier but didn't say anything. Nancy met him outside.

"Done already?"

"Yeah. No line."

"Good thing."

They were halfway to the car when someone shouted-no, screamed-Cole's name.

"Cole!"

He spun around and felt his ribs protest. For a minute he didn't see who had called him, but then he saw a woman with messy hair and an ugly hat rushing towards him. He stepped back towards the car.

"Nancy?"

"I don't know."

"You didn't plan this, did you?"

"No! She's not supposed to be in for two weeks!"

"You're positive?"

"I can't lie, Cole, you know that."

She had a point.

"What do I do?"

She shrugged and leaned into his side.

"Get it over with."

He was hoping the woman was shouting at a different Cole, some unfortunate ex-boyfriend, perhaps, but as she got closer he started to recognize her. She had lines all over her face and gray splotches in her hair, but she still resembled his mother. She had the same green eyes, but there were no laughter lines there now. He didn't know what to say to her.

"Cole?"

"Hi, Mom."

She made a horrid keening sound that made his head hurt and reached for him. He moved.

"Baby? Are you okay?"

For some reason, those words irritated him.

"How do you think I am?" he said coldly. "How do you fucking think I am? Do you have any idea..."

"Cole." Nancy said quietly. "Stop."

He felt her put her hands in his pockets. She was right-they were in a parking lot, for Christ's sake. Susan looked at him with red eyes and reached for him again, more hesitant this time. He shook his head.

"Baby?"

"I'm not in the mood for a hug. I've got broken ribs."

Her hands flew to her mouth.

"What happened?"

"What do you think happened."

He couldn't help his tone of voice. He just wanted her to go away and never bother him again. He closed his eyes and concentrated on making her disappear. She didn't.

"Your father..."

"Yeah."

She burst into tears.

"I'm sorry, Cole, I'm so sorry."

He didn't believe her. Besides, it was too late for sorry. He decided it was best to not say anything. Nancy handed Susan a pack of tissues.

"Th-thank you."

Nancy shrugged. Cole looked at the ground.

"Why?" he asked quietly. Susan didn't answer. Cole turned around and unlocked the car.

"Cole."

"What."

"I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking..."

"Just stop. Just stop, no more. I have to go now."

"Cole..."

He dropped into the driver's seat. Nancy got in next to him without a word.

* * * *

Cole got a coffee and dropped onto the couch. Nancy stayed at the doorway.

"Cole?"

"Tell me something."

"What?"

"Did you plan this?"

"No! I didn't know she was going to be there-she's not supposed to be back until next Tuesday for a follow-up appointment."

"You promise?"

"Cole, you know I can't lie for shit. Look at me and tell me that I'm lying."

He glanced up and nodded.

"Sorry. I just didn't know...it seemed like such a coincidence."

"It was a bit of a shock. I'm gonna let you be for a bit, okay? Maybe you should try to take a nap."

He didn't answer and she went into their bedroom. Sadie needed a brushing and she needed a shower.

* * * *

Cole did not eat dinner and went to bed early. Nancy was worried about him. She wasn't sure if she should talk to him or not, but if he was still mute in the morning she was going to bring up his mother. He was not asleep when she went to bed at ten.

"Cole?"

He shook his head.

"No."

"What's wrong?"

"No."

"Talk to me, Cole. What's wrong?"

"Do you think she's really sorry?"

She had to think about it.

"She sounded sorry." she said carefully.

"Do you think she's sorry?"

"I don't know, Cole. I don't know her well enough to guess."

He sighed and rolled onto his side.

"I'm confused, Nance."

"She probably is sorry, Cole. If she wasn't, she wouldn't have tried to talk to you."

"Guilty, more like."

"I doubt it. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you asking? I thought you didn't want anything to do with her."

"I don't. I'm just confused."

Nancy sat up and turned on the light.

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you were feeling guilty."

"I'm not! I'm just confused, that's all."

He looked confused, but there was another emotion on his face. Regret, maybe. He looked a little boy more than anything else. A lost, scared little boy.

"Do you want me to talk to her?"

"No. I'm just confused."

"About what?"

"I don't know. Everything."

She sighed, yawned, and switched off the light.

"Figure it out, but I'm going to sleep. Night."

"Night."

She didn't think he'd sleep, and she was right. When she woke up the next morning, he was still lying on his back staring at the ceiling.

### Chapter Seventy-Six

"Oh, my god."

"What do you think?"

"I'm creeped out by this thing."

"Apart from being creeped out, what do you think?"

Nancy was quiet for several minutes. Cole put the pencil down and stretched his fingers out.

"I think I like it...it's like...I don't know, creepy but beautiful."

"Good."

"What are you going to do with it?"

"Someone from the art group is coming over next week, so I'll probably show it to them."

"Then what?"

"That's up to them. If they like, good. If not...somebody else might."

"It's still creeping me out. Jesus is...um...I don't know."

"I don't know what he is, either. But I'm going to turn it around, because I really don't want anything getting on it."

"Good. Between you and me, I don't want Jesus staring at me while I'm doing things in here."

"If he pervs on you too much I'll punch him, Jesus or not."

"He's a picture."

"So?"

She rolled her eyes at him and helped him turn the picture around.

"Now what?"

"I'm gonna start something else."

"What?"

He closed his eyes and tilted his head back.

"A still life, maybe."

"Like plants?"

"No, not plants. Plants are lame. I was thinking about drawing a person."

Nancy shrugged.

"Just don't draw them outside."

"It rains too much to draw outside here. You know that."

"Mm."

She went to turn off the TV. When she came back, Cole was looking at a box of candy canes left over from last Christmas.

"Candy Cane Girl."

"What?"

"I want to draw a girl eating a candy cane."

"A little kid? Cole..."

"No, not a little kid. I know how well that would go. You. Can I draw you eating a candy cane?"

"One of those candy canes?"

"No, not one of those. They'll break your teeth."

"Me? I'm not a model. I'm just me."

"That's the point."

"What's the point?"

"You're you. Come on, it'll be fun. If you hate it, we'll rip it up and burn it."

"I don't know, Cole...I mean, I'm not the modeling type. You know that. I'm just plain old me in oversized sweatshirts and jeans that don't fit me right anymore. I'm not the modeling type."

"You're beautiful. Please? I'd rather work with you than some crackwhore off the street."

"Why would you hire a crackwhore?"

"She wouldn't decline because of the...um..." He gestured to his arms. "She wouldn't decline, that's all. But I'd rather use you."

"I don't know..."

"Please?"

"Can I just think about it?"

"Yes."

"Okay."

He went into the other room for something and she went to the couch to study. She wasn't so sure about this. She was camera-shy, and really, modeling for a picture was about the same thing. It just took longer, that was all.

Cole said we could get rid of it if I didn't like it.

But that would mean they would have wasted a lot of time and energy. She didn't want to do that.

Oh, dammit. Why can't I just decide yes or no and not think about it so much?

It wasn't that she didn't trust Cole. She did. But she didn't think she wanted a bunch of people seeing a picture of her. They could get ideas.

Oh, why can't I just decide already?

"Cole?"

"What?"

"What would you do if I did model for you? With the picture?"

"Whatever you let me do with it."

That was good.

"It'd just be me eating a candy cane, right? Nothing like...weird, right?"

"Define weird."

"Um...I don't know."

"Just you and a candy cane. That's it."

"Okay."

She thought about it some more.

"I get to pick what I'm wearing, right?"

"I might pick, but I'll try not to make you wear the yellow PJs."

Nancy grimaced. She hated the yellow PJs. Cole liked them, but she thought they were too see-through.

"You'd better not."

He didn't answer her. She chewed her lip until she tasted blood and made her decision.

"I'll do it."

### Chapter Seventy-Seven

Cole held up a green flannel shirt.

"How's this?"

"Fine, I guess, if I can keep it afterwards."

"We'll see. I would've put you in the yellow PJs, but I couldn't find them. You wouldn't know where they are, would you?"

Nancy looked at the floor. The yellow PJs were waded up in an empty tampon box under the sink, but she wasn't about to tell him that.

"They got lost in the wash."

"Hm. Well, how's this and jeans instead?"

"Fine."

She took them from him and decided that this shirt was going on her side of the closet from now on. She put it and the jeans on and met him in the family room after putting Sadie away.

"How's this?"

"Fine. Just...um...hang on."

He guided her to the couch and made her lie down on her back with a pencil in her hand.

"Just use that. When I get to the candy cane bit I'll give you one, I just want you to have something to hold."

"Why?"

"So this will look like I did it all at once. You'll see. Just stay quiet and try not to move, okay?"

"Okay."

After that, the only sounds in the room were the scratching of a pencil and the occasional crinkle of a candy wrapper.

* * * *

Nancy stayed quiet for two hours before getting Cole's attention.

"Cole. You should stop. Your hand's going to hate you if you don't."

It took him a minute to look up.

"Wha-?"

"Stop. Your hand's going to freak out if you keep going."

He looked first at the paper, then at his hand.

"I guess."

"Can I get up now?"

"Yeah."

She got up and pried the pencil from his fingers. He pulled a sheet over the picture and ran his hand through his hair.

"How far'd you get?"

"I've got a skeleton of everything, but I have to fill in the details and stuff. It'll take a while-probably about a week and a half or so, give or take."

"Wow."

"Yeah. It might take longer because it's a still life. The Jesus one I could mess around with, but I want to make this one more like a photograph."

"Can I see it?"

"Not yet. When it's done."

"Okay."

He stood up and Nancy felt short.

"How's it been going? With the nightmares?"

"Better. I haven't had any for about three weeks now, I think."

"Good."

She nodded and pointed at his ribs.

"How's the ribs?"

"They're still bruised, but so is everything else, so that's okay."

"Everything's still bruised?"

"Some of them were pretty deep, I think."

"Go take your shirt off and lie down."

"Why?"

"I'm going to tape parsley on you. Now go."

"Parsley?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"It'll help, trust me. Now go."

### Chapter Seventy-Eight

"They're coming."

"I know."

"Do you really have to go to work?"

"Yes. You'll be fine."

"I won't be fine!"

"You will. Trust me. See you in a little bit."

"Nancy-!"

But she was gone. Cole staggered over to the couch, feeling like he was about to be sick.

I'll never scoff at nerves again.

Sadie rubbed against his legs.

At least I'm not completely alone.

He tried to pick her up but his hands were too tired and he gave up. There was a knock at the door.

Oh shit. Okay. Hair combed, gloves on. Smile. Smile. Don't forget to smile.

He opened the door. There was a fair-haired man in a nice suit standing on the doorstep, folding up an umbrella.

"Hi."

"Cole Martin?"

"Yes, sir. Come on in."

He didn't miss the flash of disgust, but it was gone in seconds. The man came in, set the umbrella down, and stood in the hall, twisting his fingers into knots. Cole had no idea what to do.

"Um..."

"Joshua Holt."

"Nice to meet you."

Holt did not offer his hand. Cole straightened his gloves and shoved his hands in his pockets. Holt looked at him expectantly.

"Um...I have two things right now. One's almost done, and the other one's all done."

"Show me that one first."

Sadie followed them into the kitchen and batted at Cole's shoelaces. He managed to pick her up and felt a little better. She gnawed at his shirt for a minute before relaxing.

"Here."

Holt's jaw dropped. He stood there for a few minutes before stepping closer.

"What is this?"

"Weird."

"I'll say."

Cole scratched Sadie's head and put her down. Holt stretched his fingers toward the picture and snatched them back like it would bite him.

"I'm...I'm amazed."

Cole shrugged and looked at the floor. Holt walked around the picture for a few more minutes before nodding.

"Can I take this back?"

"If you can get it out of here, sure."

"Great. What about the other one? Is it as...unusual as this one?"

"No, it's a still life."

"Of?"

"My girlfriend...here."

Holt stroked the stubble on his chin. Cole glanced up at the clock and hoped he would go soon.

"This is very good."

"Thanks."

"What would your girlfriend think of this being shown? With the other one, and any others that you might have?"

"I'd have to ask her and see. I don't really know what she'd say."

"Well, I'm going to take the other one with me and show it to the boss back at the office, and we'll get in touch with you. Are you going to make any more like this?"  
"Um...I have an idea for another one, but I can't work on it right now. I don't work very fast, by the way. I was moving a couch and got cut up pretty bad on my wrist, and it didn't heal very well."

"Ouch. I'm sorry."

"It's fine now, but I'm just warning you that it usually takes me a little bit of time to finish these things."

"Understandably. Well, Mr. Martin, it was nice seeing you. We'll get in touch."

"Okay. Thanks."

Between them, they got the Jesus picture to the car unharmed. Cole went back in and got a drink. He didn't feel like he was going to puke now, but he was shaking badly and standing was difficult.

Wow. One out. And he liked the other one.

He was surprised. He'd never thought of this as more than a hobby, but now he was beginning to wonder if he could make a job out of it. Not just selling a little sketch here and there, but a real job. He reached for his sketchbook and started flipping through to see what else was in there.

* * * *

"How'd it go, what'd they say?"

Nancy got no answer. She dropped her purse in the hall and went to find Cole. She found him in the kitchen, working. He was drawing a young man in a dark closest with a skeleton hanging behind him. It creeped her out.

"Cole?"

He jumped and started coughing.

"Sorry."

He shook his head and stepped back, his hand pressed to his ribs. Nancy waited for the hand to drop before asking, "What'd they say?"

"He took Jesus."

"Good."

"Yeah...that reminds me. The guy asked me to ask you if you'd be okay with that picture I'm doing of you being in an art show."

"Wait, art show?"

"He said maybe. I don't know very much right now."

"Wow."

"So...um...what would you think of that?"

"I don't know. Let's see what happens when it gets finished, okay?"

"Okay."

"But not today. Give your hand a break."

"I'm gonna take a shower. My head hurts."

"How's your ribs?"

"Sore."

He went to wash the lead off his hands.

"How'd it go, what'd he say?"

"He spent most of the time looking. Said they'll call back later."

"Great! So he liked it?"

"Jesus scared him, but I think he liked the other one."

"Good."

"Yeah. I'm gonna take a shower and try to ditch this headache. If the phone rings, I'm not here."

She rolled her eyes. When she heard the shower start, she went to look at the picture in the living room. It was turning out fine.

Art show? Like, a lot of people looking at it? I don't know...

She moved to another angle. Maybe it wouldn't be so terrible for Cole to actually do something with it. It wasn't as though he'd painted her wearing nothing but a scarf or anything.

Although that was a bullet dodged, what with the yellow PJs and all.

She'd wait and see what it looked like when it was done. Besides, maybe the art man would decide to do something else.

"Nancy!"

"What?"

"Get the cat out of here!"

"What?"

"I am not taking a shower with the cat!"

There was no way she was going in there. Cole could take care of Sadie on his own.

"No! Think of her as an extra-sharp razor!"

There was a loud hissing noise and Sadie came running, fur dripping.

"What did you do?"

"Took the showerhead down!"

Nancy grabbed Sadie and dragged her to the kitchen to dry her off.

"You didn't spray it at her, did you?"

"No! She ran through!"

"Okay!"

Sadie did not appreciate the towel and when Nancy finally let her go she fled to the bedroom, probably to hid under the bed. Nancy went back to the couch to get some studying in before her English test tomorrow.

### Chapter Seventy-Nine

Nancy pulled out the hide-a-bed a few nights later to watch a scary movie. Cole was looking a little out of it, but he joined her with popcorn anyways.

"You pick the movie so you won't blame me when you get scared."

"Shut up!"

He put the popcorn down and pulled the sheet up a bit. Nancy put in the movie and sat down, her knees pulled up to her chin.

"Where'd you find those?"

"Find what?"

"The yellow pjs."

"Oh. Um...they were buried in my drawer."

"Hm."

She grabbed a handful of popcorn. Cole reached over and slid his hand up her shirt to rest on her back. She froze with her hand halfway to her mouth.

"This okay?"

"I-I think so. Just give me a minute."

It was another ten minutes before she started to relax again and focus on something besides his hand on her back. She could feel the scars on him, mostly small round ones, and she could especially feel the long, jagged one running three inches down his wrist. She was grateful that he'd messed up. A scar was better than dead.

"Cole?"

"What."

"I love you."

He rubbed her back for a minute.

"Love you, too."

She took another handful of popcorn.

* * * *

Cole was only half-watching the movie. Someone had been eaten a while ago, he remembered that, but he had no clue if the dog had caught anyone else. He didn't really care, either. He was too busy wondering what he should do about his mother.

If he hadn't run into her, he would have probably never thought of her again-at least not on purpose-and that would have been fine. But she really had looked sorry, and she'd looked about to cry when he asked her why she'd left. Although he didn't like to admit it, he felt a little guilty for not at least hearing her out. So what was he supposed to do now?

He couldn't ask Nancy to talk to her. That wouldn't go well-it wasn't like he was scared of her. She wasn't Sean, after all. All the same, he really didn't want to talk to her. He guessed he could just pretend he hadn't run into her, but he'd been trying to do that for several days and it hadn't worked.

Dammit. Now what?

Nancy rolled over and he realized she'd fallen asleep. His head hurt too much to sleep, and so did his ribs. They were better, but not much better. And he'd somehow managed to jab them with a pencil and they'd been getting their revenge ever since. He turned off the movie and tried to get comfortable next to her. He had no such luck and ended up staying awake most of the night, watching traffic lights dart across the ceiling.

### Chapter Eighty

Nancy woke up the next morning with hardly any blankets but feeling very warm. She rolled over to see if Sadie or Cole had somehow gotten closer. Cole was buried in the blankets, shivering but sprawled out on his back like someone had dropped him there.

"Cole?"

He didn't wake up. Nancy sat up and put her hand on his head. He was very warm

a fucking non-electric heater, that's bad

and his skin was dry. She moved her hands to his shoulders and shook him a little.

"Cole. Wake up."

He groaned and moved away from her. She shook him again.

"Wake up."

"What time is it...?"

"I don't know. You sound awful."

His eyes were dull and he shook his head a few times before saying anything else.

"I don't feel good."

"You don't look good, either. Can you wake up a little more?"

"Why?"

"Because I want you to take a drink, that's why."

"No. Going to sleep. Night."

"Cole..."

But he'd rolled over and closed his eyes. Nancy frowned but didn't bug him again. She put a glass of water by him instead and went to take a shower.

* * * *

Cole couldn't breathe. He couldn't see very well, either. Taking a deep breath made him cough, and coughing made him nauseous. He dozed off again until Nancy came back. She was fuzzy around the edges and her voice sounded like it was coming from very far away.

"Cole. Cole, come on, wake up."

He blinked and she came into focus. Her hair was wet and she wasn't dressed all the way.

"Nance?"

"Yeah. How're you feeling?"

"Like crap."

"Okay. Tell me exactly what's wrong."

She sat down next to him, set her shirt down, and started combing her hair. He concentrated on the hand with the brush in it.

"Sore throat, aches, cold, can't stop coughing."

Nancy frowned. Cole managed a semi-deep breath and started coughing again. Nancy helped him sit up.

"That doesn't sound good. If it's still sounding that harsh next...Monday, you're going to the doctor's."

"No."

"Yes. Unless you get worse."

He lay back down and pulled the blankets up. He was freezing.

"I'm gonna get you another blanket and then I have to get to class. Try to go back to sleep."

He was already halfway asleep again and barely heard her leave. He felt another blanket fall over him a few minutes later and Nancy whispered, "Bye."

"See you."

The front door opened and closed and he felt Sadie jump up next to him. She nestled up next to him and purred. Cole didn't remember falling asleep but he must have, because the next thing he remembered was Nancy putting her hand on his forehead. When had she come home? She took her hand off him when she saw he was awake and knelt down to his level.

"Hey."

"Hi."

"How're you feeling?"

"Like shit."

She was soaked and he figured she'd forgotten her umbrella. He forced himself to sit up and promptly started coughing.

"Stop. I'm gonna get changed, okay? Have you eaten anything?"

He shook his head. She went into the other room and Sadie followed. He managed to get out of bed, but he couldn't put the couch back together. Nancy came back and shooed him away from it.

"What are you doing?"

"Trying to put this back together so we can work..."

"No. You're banned from working today. Just lie down and watch TV."

He wanted to argue, but he felt too bad to try. Besides, Nancy usually got her way. He got back under the blankets just as the phone rang. It was the man from yesterday...Holt, Cole remembered.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Martin?"

"Yeah."

"This is Joshua Holt."

"How're you?"

"Fine. I showed that picture of yours to the boss."

"And?"

"He wants more."

"Of that one?"

"No, no, anything. He'll take anything. He's thrilled."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Congratulations."

"Thanks."

"Thank you. When do you think you'll have that other one you showed me finished?"

"I don't know. I've been banned from doing anything. I'm sick."

"Oh. Well, let us know when you're allowed to do something. Do you have this number?"

"I think so."

"Here it is again."

Cole scribbled it down and hung up.

"Nance!"

"What? And don't shout, you sound worse when you do that."

"They liked it."

"Liked what?"

"Jesus! They liked Jesus, they want me to do other ones!"

"You're serious?"

"Yeah."

"Oh my god!"

He nodded. He was numb-maybe later things would sink in.

"You're really, really serious?"

"Yeah."

She didn't say anything for a second, but then she jumped on the bed next to him and hugged him. It hurt but he didn't try to move. Moving would make it worse.

"That's incredible."

"I guess."

"It is!"

He started to cough and she let him go. The coughing really hurt his ribs and he ended up hunched over the side of the couch, wheezing and trying to keeps his ribs still.

Me. They want something from me. Wow.

He hadn't really thought this would go anywhere. Most people didn't pay much mind to him or his work.

I guess I'm not worthless.

Nancy coaxed him back under the covers.

"I have to get some homework done, okay? I'll be back in a little bit."

"Okay."

She looked like she wanted to say something else but didn't. He settled back into the pillows and flipped to the cartoon channel.

* * * *

Cole was dead asleep that night when Nancy sat up screaming. Sadie fled and he sat up as fast as he could, wondering what had happened. He was guessing a nightmare, but she'd never had one like this.

"Nance? Nance, wake up."

The screaming cut off suddenly and she lunged for the light switch.

"Nance?"

She didn't answer for a minute. Cole was about to get out of bed and see if she was sleepwalking when she sat back on the bed, sobbing.

"Nancy?"

She shook her head and reached for her teddy bear. He moved to sit next to her, wondering what had happened to bring this on. She didn't pull away when he hugged her. She only sat there like a statue.

"It's okay, Nance, it's okay."

"Make him go away."

"Did something happen?"

She shook her head.

"I-I don't think so."

"Okay. Just calm down, it's okay. Nobody's here but us."

"You're sure?"

He sighed.

"Want me to check?"

She didn't do anything for a few minutes, but she finally nodded.

"Please, Cole?"

"Sure. Just stay here for a minute."

He moved to let her go and her arms shot around his neck.

"No!"

"Okay, come on then. Trust me."

The only thing there was Sadie, who had taken up residence on the couch. Cole rattled the doorknob a few times.

"See? No one's here but us."

She nodded.

"Okay."

"Come on, let's go back to bed."

He had to half-drag her, and that hurt. Once she was back under the covers and the teddy bear was on the nightstand, he reached to turn off the light.

"Wait."

He leaned against the wall. She got out a plug-in night light and stuck it in the socket by her bed.

"Better?"

"Sorry."

"It's okay. I'm gonna turn off the light now."

She didn't answer. Cole flipped the switch and felt his way back to bed.

"Thanks, Cole."

"Sure. Just go to sleep."

He heard her roll over and a minute later she nestled against his side. He hadn't been expecting that.

"Night, Cole."

"Night."

### Chapter Eighty-One

Nancy made her way through the next day in a haze. She didn't remember much of last night, but Cole had told her she'd had a nightmare. She only remembered waking up scared. Everything else was a blur.

"Nancy. Nancy, are you listening?"

"Wha-?"

"I asked if you wanted to have a girl's night this weekend with me and a few other girls from math."

"Oh...no, I'm okay, thanks."

Janet exhaled forcefully. Nancy thought she looked like an angry bull when she did that.

"What's going on?"

"Nothing's going on."

The lie came easily, like it always did. Janet didn't fall for it this time.

"Something's going on. Tell me, we'll work it through."

"Nothing's going on, Jan. I'm fine. Look, I have to get to work..."

"To hell with work. You sit down and tell me exactly what's going on."

"Nothing's going on, okay? I'm fine. See you tomorrow."

"Nancy-!"

She slipped into a mob of students and made her way to her car.

* * * *

Nancy had completely forgotten that Susan Martin had her check-up appointment today. And now the woman was on a mission.

"I need help."

"Help?"

"Try to talk sense into him, please. I made a stupid mistake, I know I did, but I want to try to fix it."

"I don't think he'll listen..."

"Just try, please!"

Nancy sighed.

"I don't know, Ma'm. I really don't think he'll listen."

"Try, dammit!"

She's really desperate.

"I'll see what I can do, okay? But I'm not going to make any promises. He can make his own decisions."

Susan nodded and went to sit down. Nancy went back to her paperwork. She didn't want to bring this up with Cole again, but the woman sitting in front of her looked beyond broken. It wouldn't hurt to try.

* * * *

"Cole?"

"Nance! How're you doing, are you okay?"

"Was it that bad?"

He nodded. Nancy sighed and hung her purse up. One more day of work and school and then she was done for the week.

"Are you okay?"

Was she? Not really, but it wasn't because of last night.

"I don't know."

He didn't look good still, and he hadn't gotten dressed for the day. Nancy bit her lip, feeling a cut she'd made last week. Cole cocked his head.

"What's up?"

"Your mom's appointment was today."

Any emotion on his face vanished. He leaned against the wall, his hands in his pockets.

"So?"

"She wanted me to talk to you."

"No. Not about her. She doesn't exist."

"Cole..."

"No. I don't care how sorry she is, I don't care if she's fucking dying. I don't. I don't want to deal with her."

I tried.

"Okay."

"Good. And you tell her that, if she asks. I'm done."

She shrugged. Susan's face was still clear in her head, but there was no way she could force Cole into talking with her again.

"What'd you do today?"

"Worked on my picture."

"How're you feeling?"

"Dizzy."

She went to go get changed. Cole followed her and dropped facedown onto the bed.

"Has your fever gone down?"

"No. I think it went up."

"Doctor's office Monday."

"We'll see."

His voice was muffled by the pillow. Nancy pulled her sweater off and started digging through her dresser for something soft to wear.

"You're going, and that's final."

"I'm not five, and I'm not going."

"I can and will carry you to the car if I have to."

He rolled over and shook his head.

"Good luck."

"I can! Watch me!"

He rolled his eyes but didn't say anything. Nancy stuck her tongue out at him.

"Hey, Nance...can we finish the drawing today? I have to send it soon."

"If you're up for it..."

"Yeah, yeah, I am."

She grabbed the green shirt and went to put the couch back together.

* * * *

"Done!"

"Done?"

"Done."

Nancy got up and stretched and went over to Cole. He leaned over, his elbows on his knees.

"Go back to bed now."

"What do you think of it?"

She looked over at it for a minute.

"I think it's good."

"I have to call them in the morning. To come get it."

"Bed first. Come on."

He started coughing again and Nancy grimaced. He sounded like he had pneumonia or something. They would have to go to the doctor on Monday. The phone rang.

"Go to bed, okay?"

He nodded-she was pretty sure that was a nod, anyway-and she went to get the phone.

* * * *

Cole was feeling woozy and depressed-that feeling always came when he finished something. He wondered who was on the phone and decided he really didn't care.

"Dammit, Janet, my life is not a reality show! I don't have to tell you every goddamn detail!"

Cole looked up. He'd never heard Nancy sound that angry.

Well, Janet is nosy...

Maybe she was about to get her comeuppance. He settled onto the couch and turned on the TV.

"No! Nothing is wrong, and even if there was, I wouldn't tell you because it's none of your damn business!"

There was silence and then the sound of the phone being slammed onto the hook. Nancy came back into the room.

"Nance?"

"No."

"Okay."

"I'm gonna take a shower."

"Okay."

She went. Cole wondered what Janet had done this time.

Well, he thought, someone was gonna have to tell her she's a nosy bitch, and it wasn't gonna be me.

He felt bad for Nancy though. He wasn't sure how long she'd known Janet, but he was pretty sure it had been a long time. Selfishly, he was thrilled. No more unannounced visits. He wouldn't tell Nancy that, though.

### Chapter Eighty-Two

"I found my mother's number."

"And?"

Cole shrugged. He didn't know why he'd bothered to look her up in the first place, and now he was regretting it.

"I just want her to stay out of my life. I don't know how to make her do that."

"Tell her." Nancy said. "But let her down easy, okay? I think she's really sorry."

He nodded and lay back on the bed. Sadie sat down on his stomach and he scratched her ears. He was confused.

"I'm gonna call her." he said.

"Okay. Good luck."

"I'll do it tomorrow."

Nancy reached for her book. Cole yawned and looked up at the ceiling. It was hot in the room but his hands were shaking.

Too much caffeine today. he thought.

He was nervous about calling. What if she flipped out on him or started crying again?

What if she blames me for Dad?

The more he thought about it, the more he didn't want to call her. By the time Nancy had to get up for work the next morning, Cole hadn't slept at all.

* * * *

The phone was heavy and cold and smooth. Cole dropped it on the floor and had to pick it up again. Susan's number was in front of him, Sadie was curled up on the other end of the couch, and he was scared to death.

Just get it over with.

He dialed the number.

There were two minutes of ringing before Susan answered the phone.

"Hello?"

Cole's throat felt clogged and he had to cough for a minute before saying, "Mom."

There was silence at the other end. Cole wondered if she would hang up. He hoped she would.

"Cole? Baby?"

"Hi."

There was a long wail at the other end and Cole cringed.

"Where have you been, how did you find this number, are you okay?"

He swallowed. This was more difficult than he'd thought it would be.

"I'm fine."

Susan sniffled and Cole felt a pang of regret. He didn't like anyone to be upset, but he wanted to be done with her. There was no other option.

"Mom..."

"I'm so sorry, Cole. I just thought that maybe...maybe if I wasn't there he wouldn't be so hard on you."

The regret vanished.

"Are you serious?"

"Cole, I'm so sorry..."

He cut her off.

"No. Just don't. I'm not calling to ask for an explanation. I'm calling to ask you to leave me alone. Don't bug my girlfriend, and don't bug me."

"Cole..."

He'd had it with this woman. How dare she try to come back into his life now, after walking out? How dare she?

"No. Just stay out of my life, okay? You said you didn't care about me when you walked out. That's fine. But don't you dare try to come back in."

He hung up before she could say anything. He was half-expecting her to call him back, but she didn't. Sadie came over and sat in his lap and chewed his shirt.

"Hi, Sadie."

He felt relieved more than anything else. Finally he could move on.

### Chapter Eighty-Three

Nancy leaned against the wall of the shower, watching the water pound against her legs. She felt oddly relieved. Janet had been getting on her nerves more and more lately. This was for the best.

I have a right to privacy! she thought. I don't live in a glass box!

She heard Cole start coughing again and grimaced. He would really have to see a doctor Monday. The water was cold and she shut it off and got out.

If I ever get rich, I will buy myself a giant shower with unlimited hot water and live in it.

That was a nice thought. If she was better about her yoga she could meditate to it. She glanced in the mirror.

Dear god, I look like a skeleton.

She hadn't realized she'd lost that much weight lately. She hadn't been hungry lately. Maybe she wasn't that thin...she'd ask Cole.

"Cole?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you come here?"

"Sure?"

"Thanks."

"What is it?"

"Do I look too thin to you?"

He leaned against the door and studied her. She looked first at the shower curtain, then at the rug-anything to avoid eye contact. This was a stupid question.

"No." he said at last. "You look fine. Why?"

"I don't know..."

"You look fine, Nancy."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think you're too thin?"

"I don't know."

"I think you look fine."

He started coughing again and turned away, clutching at the door frame. Nancy bit her lip. Some part of her hoped she did look too thin-people wouldn't go after the sickly-looking girls-but the rest of her knew that was silly. If anything, the sickly girls were easiest to catch and...

Don't go there. Just don't. Cole says you're fine, so you're fine.

She realized he was looking at her again.

"Are you okay, Nance?"

"I think so. Why?"

"I don't know. I just worry about you sometimes."

How does he always...he knows what it's like to have to keep a secret.

She wondered how she'd gotten so lucky.

It's because of that habit. That's how. Take that, shallow bitches!

"Nance? Why are you smiling at the rug?"

"Thought of something funny that happened in class."

"What was it?"

"You had to be there..."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

She pulled on a t-shirt and squeezed past him to go sit on the couch.

### Chapter Eighty-Four

Cole wondered if Nancy was the universe's way of saying, yeah, I fucked up. Here, take her as an apology present.

She'd fallen asleep about an hour ago, curled up under the blankets. Cole turned his head to look at the ceiling.

Okay...call the art people tomorrow.

He closed his eyes, not even realizing when he fell asleep.

"I'm sorry, Buddy. I didn't mean for it to go this far."

"Dad, please..."

"If you'd just listen, dammit, I wouldn't have had to do that."

"I'm sorry."

"Just get out of my sight."

Cole made it halfway upstairs before Sean called his name.

"Forgot something. Get down here."

"No."

"Cole!"

"Cole! Wake up, Cole, you're dreaming."

He opened his eyes and took a few deep breaths.

"N-Nancy?"

"Yeah. You were having a nightmare."

He looked at the clock. He'd only been asleep for an hour. Nancy took her hands off his shoulders.

"You kept asking someone to stop. What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just a bad dream."

"Can you go back to sleep?"

"I think so."

"Okay. Night, Cole."

"Thanks, Nance."

"Sure."

He didn't get any more sleep that night.

### Chapter Eighty-Five

"You have walking pneumonia."

"What?"

"Walking pneumonia. I'm going to give you a prescription and tell you not to do more than you really have to. Okay?"

"Yes, Ma'm."

"Good. Get this filled and stay in bed, okay?"

"Okay."

"Go home."

Cole started coughing again and Nancy reached over to help him up. She'd been afraid of this. Oh, well, at least they'd caught it early.

"Come on, I'm gonna drop you off at home and run up to the store."

"I can go with..."

"No. You'll get other people sick. Just go inside and get to bed."

He reclined the seat back and closed his eyes.

"Okay."

"Good."

Nancy waited until he was out of the car and not looking before turning the radio up as loud as it would go and rolling down the windows. People did it to her all the time-why not get a little revenge?

* * * *

Cole had gone to sleep by the time Nancy got back, but he'd started another picture at some point. She put the pill bottle by him and went to wash up. He was still asleep when she came back and she didn't bother to wake him up. The phone rang-Janet, big surprise-but she ignored it. She'd managed to avoid her all day, and she wanted to keep it that way. She went to go check on Cole instead and make sure the phone hadn't woken him. It hadn't. She was about to go study in the other room when a gust of wind smacked a branch against the window. Sadie jumped off of Cole's stomach and fled and he sat up, coughing. She had just opened her mouth to ask how he was feeling when the power went out.

Nancy's good mood was gone in seconds.

The apartment seemed very dark and sinister and she could have sworn she saw someone move in the hallway.

"Nance?"

Cole's voice sounded off and she couldn't bring herself to answer him. Who was in the hallway?

"Nancy..."

She knew that voice. That was Dr. Grey. How had he gotten inside? What did he want?

"Go away, just go away!"

"Nance? Are you okay?"

She shook her head and backed up until the wall hit her spine. There was nowhere to run. The shadow retreated further back into the hallway and there was a sudden crackle of electricity as the power came back on. The shadow was gone.

"Nance?"

She hadn't noticed when Cole got up and stood in front of her. She wrapped her arms around him and closed her eyes. She didn't want to look at the hallway.

"Nance, what happened? You kinda zoned out."

She shook her head.

"What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you."

She disagreed. Normal people didn't see shadows in the hall and hear voices that weren't there. Normal people didn't have nightmares they couldn't remember and they didn't freak out over things that were over and done with.

She let go of Cole and risked looking at the hallway. It was dark but she could see that no one was there,

why should there be?

that she was being silly. There was no reason to make such a big deal out of a power outage that hadn't even lasted ten minutes.

"Nance? You okay?"

"Fine. I don't know what that was. Me being stupid, I guess."

"Nancy..."

"I'm gonna go take a shower."

"But..."

She stepped around him, switched on the hall light to make sure there was nothing there, and locked the bathroom door behind her.

* * * *

Cole leaned against the window and looked at the traffic light. It was blurry because of the rain.

He was worried about Nancy.

She'd gotten that dead look a few minutes ago, that emotionless look she got when she remembered...Dr. Grey, he guessed. He hated that look. There was nothing he could do to make it go away, and there was never any warning.

There was a noise behind him and he turned around, about to ask her if she was okay. She didn't look okay. She looked like a ghost.

"Nance?" he said softly. "You okay?"

She nodded and went into the kitchen. He wasn't sure if he should follow her or not.

He gave her a few minutes before going in to see how she was doing. She was sitting at the table, petting Sadie and looking at the rain. The dead look was gone, at least, but he could see she'd been crying-her eyes were red.

"Are you okay?"

"Y-yeah."

"What happened?"

"You wouldn't get it."

She was right, of course, but it was worth trying.

"Help me figure it out. Do you think you can do that?"

She didn't move for a minute. Cole wondered if she'd heard him and was about to repeat the question when she whispered, "Maybe."

He sat down across from her and waited. She wouldn't look at him.

"I think the best way to describe it to you is...what it was like is that it was the opposite of a high. If that's the best thing you've ever felt, this is the worst. Does that make sense?"

"Yes."

"I don't know why these kind of things happen. Every time the power goes out it's like I'm...not reliving it, exactly, but...I don't know how to explain it. It's like he's inside but I know he's not really there."

"That's why you don't like the dark."

"Yeah. Because it feels like he's there, and I can see shadows that might be him and I'm just...I don't know, it's like a fight-or-flight instinct is kicking in but it doesn't work and I'm just petrified. Like before when it was..." She swallowed and looked down at Sadie. "Like when it was happening."

He leaned forward.

"Is there anything that might be a trigger for this?"

"The dark."

"What else?"

"I don't know."

"Okay."

She finally looked up. The redness was gone and she gave him a grateful smile.

"Thanks, Cole."

"Sure. You're sure you're okay?"

"I think so."

"Come on, let's go lie down."

She picked up Sadie and followed him into the other room.

### Chapter Eighty-Six

Cole had minimal dealings with the art people over the next few weeks, and his pneumonia was finally starting to clear up when Holt called him.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Martin?"

"Yeah."

"The boss says you got enough stuff to do something with."

"Like?"

"Well...I'm going to give you an address. I want you to come to that address around...oh, three thirty next Monday afternoon."

"I feel like I have to pay a ransom."

Holt laughed. Cole started coughing and held the phone away from his mouth.

"Sorry."

"So? You got paper near you?"

"Yeah. Can I bring someone with me?"

"Sure, if you want."

"Okay."

Holt threw a set of numbers at him and hung up. Cole set the phone down.

"Hey, Nance?"

"What?"

"Will you drive me somewhere on Monday at three thirty?"

"You're lucky that's a holiday, or I'd have to say you're shit outta luck. Where are we going?"

"The art people-Zig Zag or whatever-want to see me then. I don't wanna go by myself."

"What do they want with you?"

"I don't really know. Holt said they wanted to do something with my work."

Nancy was there in seconds.

"You're kidding."

"I'm not! That's all he said, he wouldn't tell me any more. Just gave me an address and hung up."

He started coughing again and Nancy came over to sit next to him.

"You're serious?"

"Uh huh."

She hugged him.

"That's awesome."

"Thanks."

He couldn't wait for Monday.

### Chapter Eighty-Seven

"Ready?"

"Yeah."

Cole was nervous, Nancy could tell, but she didn't mention it. Once Sadie was locked in the bathroom and Nancy had checked to make sure everything was locked, Cole handed her the car keys.

"Will you drive? My hand hurts."

"Yeah. I don't trust you, anyway. You don't look good."

"I don't feel good."

He dropped into the passenger's seat and closed his eyes. Nancy set the paper on the dashboard and backed out. They drove there in silence.

The outside of the building was a dingy white with a sign saying "Zig Zag" in red letters taped to the front of it. Nancy was pretty sure this had been a strip club at one point, but she couldn't say for sure.

"Cole? We're here."

He didn't open his eyes and she wondered if he was asleep.

"Cole."

"Yeah, I know."

"You okay?"

"I'm gonna be sick."

"It's okay, you're not gonna be sick. Just take a few deep breaths."

He stayed where he was for another few minutes before suddenly opening the door and getting out. He leaned against the car, coughing while Nancy locked everything up.

"Let's just get this over with."

"It'll be okay."

He nodded and reached over and took her hand.

"Help."

"Shh. It's okay. It's all okay, don't worry."

She felt him tighten his grip. She looked over and saw that he hadn't let go of the car.

"I don't wanna go."

"It'll be okay. Come on, just trust me. Okay?"

He nodded but didn't say anything. He really did look like he was going to be sick. Nancy tugged him away from the car and started walking towards the door.

* * * *

Cole felt swallowed by the overly-padded chair.

Just chill. This is a good thing.

It didn't feel like a good thing. It felt like some sort of cold medicine-induced dream. He tugged at his sleeves and concentrated on a spot on the floor. Nancy reached over and put her hand on his back.

"It's okay."

He nodded. He didn't trust himself to open his mouth lest he throw up all over the floor.

"Mr. Martin!"

He looked up to see Holt walking towards them.

Here we go. Deep breaths.

"Mr. Holt, this is my girlfriend Nancy Hale."

"Nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you, too. You're the girl in that picture, right?"

"That's me."

"Great. Well, if you two want to just follow me..."

Standing made him dizzy. It was freezing in the building and he wished he'd brought a jacket.

Holt showed them into a well-furnished room. It had a large window facing the cemetery, heavy-looking furniture, and a bookshelf with a bunch of leather-bound books on it. Cole was surprised to see that there were no pictures on the walls.

Sitting behind the wooden desk was a large man with manicured nails and fat, pink lips. Holt went over to the man and said, "Cole Martin's here to see you, Sir."

"I see that."

Holt left. Cole looked at the bookshelf, feeling very small and scared to death. This room was far from welcoming, and he just wanted to get out.

"Well, sit down."

They did. The man studied them for several minutes before leaning back in his chair.

"No need to be so formal." he said, gesturing at Cole. "Relax."

"I have to stay like this, Sir. Broken ribs."

"Oh, yes, Holt mentioned something about that. Pleasure to meet you both. This is the girl in the picture you sent me, yes?"

"Yeah. My girlfriend, Nancy Hale."

"Ah. My name is Harry Alans. You know why you're here, yes?"

"Mr. Holt didn't tell us very much. He said you wanted to see me about the pictures I've sent you?"

Alans stood up and Cole found himself facing a set of brass buttons.

Better than looking at the bread crumbs stuck in his mustache.

"Yes. I must admit, you don't look at all like I thought you would."

"Sir?"

"I thought you'd look more like the brooding artist. The hair color's right, though."

Cole shrugged. Alans circled them for a minute before going back to his desk.

"I like the things you've sent. You could do something with those."

"Like?"

"Well, downstairs is a good-sized gallery. If you were interested, we could display your pieces down there for people to come and see. If that went well, you could sell them-if that's agreeable to you."

Cole swallowed. He hadn't thought of that.

"Okay."

"Great! Now, let's just get the finer details straightened out. Oh, you will have to be there opening night, and it will be formal dress. Keep that in mind."  
"Yes, Sir."

"Good. All right, how about August eighth? That falls on a Friday and that gives us plenty of time to get this all set up and get people interested in it."

* * * *

The ride home was silent. Nancy took another shower when they got in while Cole went back to work on the picture in the kitchen. When she got out, he was sitting on the couch with Sadie on his lap.

"What do you think?"

"About today?"

She nodded and sat down next to him. Cole didn't really know what he thought about today. It was a shock more than anything else. He wondered what his father would have said. Probably nothing good.

"I don't know."

Nancy leaned over and hugged him. Sadie squirmed out from between them and looked at him reproachfully.

"I'm so proud of you." she whispered.

Cole swallowed. He didn't remember anyone ever telling him that.

"Thanks, Nance."

"Shh."

He didn't want to move, but he eventually let go and sat up. Sadie jumped back on his lap.

"Now what?"

"I don't know."

It didn't matter. It was finally starting to sink in that things were better. Sean was gone. He could live his life the way he wanted it without looking over his shoulder. Now he just had to hope Nancy could do the same.

### Chapter Eighty-Eight

It was an uphill battle, but Nancy managed to convince Cole that fingerless gloves did not go well with formal events. They settled on slightly overlong sleeves as a compromise.

They had another hour and a half before they had to get ready. Cole was lying across her lap looking at the TV. He'd gotten no sleep the night before.

"I'm gonna take a power nap."

"Okay. I'll wake you up in about an hour, okay?"

"Okay."

He yawned and pulled the sheet up to his neck. He still had a bit of a fever but the coughing had nearly stopped. She was nervous about tonight, too-there was probably going to be a lot of people. She didn't like crowds.

It'll be fine.

* * * *

"Quit fussing with your sleeves."

"Are you sure I can't wear gloves?"

"Yes, I'm sure. You'll look ridiculous if you do, trust me."

She added a swipe of lipstick and stepped away from the mirror. Cole stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"Ready?"

"No."

"It'll be fine."

"Can't we call in sick?"

"No. You have to go, and if I have to drag you there, I'll do it. Now come on, we'll be late."

He put a mint in his mouth and bit it. Nancy took one last look at the mirror and put Sadie in the bathroom.

"Come on. It'll be okay."

He swallowed. Nancy reached up to comb his hair out one last time before picking up the car keys.

* * * *

Cole was in shock when he walked in. He hadn't realized that many people were going to show up.

"Okay, we're here. Now let's go."  
"It's okay. Come on, let's go find...what's-his-name? Alans?"

"Yeah."

They didn't have to look far. Alans met them halfway across the room.

"Cole, Nancy, you're just on time. Bet you weren't expecting this many people."

"N-no."

"Don't be nervous. You don't really have to do anything but stay where the press can find you."

"Press?"

"These things always get a lot of coverage. Don't worry, they won't bug you too much."

"But..."

"Go. They know what you look like, they'll find you."

Cole watched him go. He hadn't been expecting that.

"I don't want to do this."

"It'll be okay."

"What happened?"

"I think you just hit overnight celebrity status."

"More like five-minute celebrity status. Get me out of here."

A tall man with curly blonde hair and blue eyes came up to them. He looked vaguely familiar-Cole was pretty sure he'd seen him singing in a band on TV.

"Nice work, man."

"Th-thanks."

"You don't like the fuss, either? It dies down. Just nod a lot and bullshit your way through the questions. A little alcohol won't hurt, either."

"Thanks."

The man vanished into the crowd. Cole took a deep breath. The guy was probably right, but that didn't help.

"Let's listen to blondie about the alcohol." Nancy said.

"Where is it, anyway?"

"The giant tower of glasses is probably it."

* * * *

Two hours later, Cole was a little more at ease. Not much, but a little. They'd found a safe spot at the back of the room. The wave of reporters had dropped drastically after one of them had had the audacity to ask him if he was high.

Fucking asshole. Hope he chokes on a cracker.

Nancy had given him a list of insults in case another asshole showed up, but no one else had asked the question. He suspected she was disappointed about that.

What time can we go home?

He didn't want to go find Alans and ask, but he was tired and his chest hurt. Nancy was leaning against his side and when he looked down at her he was expecting her to be asleep. She wasn't-she was fixated at something across the room.

"Nancy?"

"I need to get a drink. Want something?"

"I'm fine-"

She was gone before he finished his sentence. Not three seconds later, Dr. Grey came up to him. Cole froze.

Sonofabitch, I'll make you sorry...

He shook his head to clear it. Although it was tempting, beating the shit out of the man wouldn't do him or Nancy any good.

"Cole! I have to say, I'm impressed. Congratulations."

"Thanks."

He tried to keep his voice neutral, but the look on the man's face told him he wasn't doing a good job.

"I didn't know you were an artist."

"This was sort of sudden."

And it'll be real sudden when you need surgery to put your nose back in place.

"Well, they're very good. Are you going to sell them?"

"Probably."

"For what?"

"Don't know yet."

Nancy came back, looking like she wanted to sink into the floor. Cole put his arm around her. She didn't relax, but he was relieved to see that she wasn't about to have a flashback. That was what mattered the most right now-he didn't trust himself not to kick Dr. Grey in the stomach if that happened. Maybe more than a kick to the stomach.

"Nancy! How are you?"

"Fine. Cole..."

"I think I see your dad. You should go say hi."

"You're not coming?"

"No, I better stay here. Reporters."

"Remember the list."

He nodded and felt her slip out from under his arm. Good. The anger ebbed a little bit-not much, but a little. He had control over himself again.

But if I run into you in a dark alley, that might not be the case.

"Well, I'd better get going."

"No. You and I need to have a little talk. Just a minute."

"What's up? How's everything going? You haven't relapsed, have you?"

Cole ignored him.

"Listen to me. You'd better be damn grateful there's a lot of people here right now because if there weren't, and if Nancy wasn't here, you would probably walk out of here with a couple of cracked ribs. And that's if you're lucky."

"Cole..."

"Let's get some shit straight. You may think you can just act like nothing happened, but this has royally fucked her up. So you are going to walk out of her life and stay out. You don't know her anymore. No waving, no saying hi, no nothing. You back the fuck off or so help me..."

"You don't know anything."

"I know a lot. Door's to your left."

Dr. Grey looked like he wanted to say something else but didn't. When he was out the door, Cole let himself relax. That was one thing taken care of. Nancy came back a few minutes later.

"Daddy says hi."

Oh, shit, her dad's actually here?

"Where is he?"

"He saw someone he knew. He'll be over in a minute. Where'd...um..."

"He had to go."

"Good. I wasn't really too excited about him being here."

"Can't blame you. No, he won't be back, I don't think...there's your dad."

John waved at them. Nancy waved back. Cole leaned against the wall, grateful for the support it gave his ribs. He was shaking after the adrenaline rush and he hoped Nancy didn't notice.

"Hello, Sir."

"Congratulations! I wasn't expecting this."

"Neither was I."

"Now you have no excuse not to take care of my little girl."

"Daddy, don't lecture him."

"He's right."

Nancy rolled her eyes. The conversation faded into a gentle lull. Tonight had turned out much better than he had expected. Life was good.
Chapter Eighty-Nine

Nancy and Cole were lying on the bed a few weeks later, doing the crossword puzzle. This was their last night in this apartment-they had decided to move to a new one a few blocks down. It was much nicer, and bigger.

"Popular music."

"That's crap! Is it popular now or is it the timeless kind?"

"Six letters."

"That's not helpful."

"That's the slot. Come, on think."

Cole groaned and rolled over.

"No more puzzle."

Nancy rolled her eyes.

"I think it's grunge."

"God save us."

"Hey, the guy you met the other night is a grunge dude. And he was nice."

"And helpful."

Nancy wrote the word in and put the puzzle down. Sadie wouldn't get off her pillow and she ended put her head on Cole's shoulder instead.

"I gotta stay here and pack the rest of the stuff tomorrow. You wanna go and get everything all signed and stuff and come and get me?"

"Sure."

"Great."

She rolled over and put her hand on his arm. The scars were fading a little more.

"You okay?"

"Beyond okay. I didn't think this would happen."

"How's your ribs?"

"Better. Sort of."

"They're getting there. Who knows, they might be better in time for Christmas!"

He groaned.

"That long?"

"Maybe longer."

"Fuck my life."

"Oh, don't complain."

"When taking a shower hurts, I have every right to complain."

She glanced up. He didn't look like a scared little boy any more. He didn't look like some scary steroid-using-wrestler,

thank god for that!

but he didn't look like a kid.

"Cole?"

"What?"

"I love you."

"Love you, too."

She didn't want to go to sleep. She'd been having nightmares on and off the past week and a half, and she was scared to go to sleep.

"Night, Nance."

"Night, Cole."

She felt him reach over to flip the light off.

Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. I wish I may, I wish I might, don't let me have nightmares about him tonight.

### Chapter Ninety

Nancy's wish did not come true, but she insisted she was fine and all but shoved Cole out the door at noon the next day. He didn't feel right-it felt like something bad was going to happen. He knew he was being stupid, but he was still worried. Maybe he'd slept worse than he thought.

The phone rang about half an hour before he'd left. It had been Alans, asking if he would come down that afternoon. He'd agreed and told Nancy he'd pick her up outside the building on his way back. Everything was moved except her school things and her teddy bear, but she'd wanted to clean it up once last time before they left. Whatever.

Once everything was taken care of for the new apartment, he went down to Zig Zag. Now he was sitting in Alans' office, wondering what the man wanted with him.

"Everything's sold now, Cole. So now we take the next step."

"Next step?"

"Another show! Get back to work and keep in touch with us. As you finish things, send them in and we'll tell you when we've got enough."

"Another show, Sir?"

"That's alright with you, yes?"

He had to think about it. He hadn't been expecting anything like this to happen.

"I think so, Sir."

"We'd better get the particulars taken care of, then."

Wow. I'm an artist. An actual artist. Who sells things for a job.

He couldn't wait to tell Nancy.

* * * *

Nancy had everything packed up in her backpack. Now all she had to do was wait for Cole. It was about four in the afternoon and for once it wasn't raining. She decided to go outside for a few minutes, enjoy the nice weather. She put her pepper spray in her pocket out of habit and went downstairs. It really was beautiful outside. There was even a hint of sunshine today.

Things are getting better. The nightmares aren't as bad as they used to be, even. Maybe I will be normal again.

She thought she'd always be a little broken, but that was okay now.

Like Grandpa used to say, "Shit happens." But it's not gonna control my life.

She remembered she was out of cigarettes and decided to walk down to the corner store. She could be there and back in fifteen minutes at the most, plenty of time to meet Cole. He'd said he'd be back around four-thirty, four-forty five at the latest.

Someone passed her with a dog and she got slobber on her jeans.

Yucky! Oh, well.

She was halfway to the corner store when she spotted Dr. Grey sitting on a bench a little ways away. She slowed down, thinking of ways to go around him, and decided,

Fuck it. I have pepper spray and I'm not afraid to use it!

She was shaking as she walked by, hand clutching the little bottle.

"Nancy."

She didn't answer him.

Just keep walking, just keep walking.

It occurred to her that no one was around. She picked up her pace, but now she could hear footsteps behind her.

Seattle's a pedestrian town. It's just someone else going along, minding their own business.

She was still relieved when she made it inside the corner store. But now she had to walk back. He was probably gone by now, she would be fine. She took the bottle out of her pocket anyway.

She was on her way past the alley between the corner store and the bookstore when someone grabbed her arm and yanked her into it. The pepper spray flew from her fingers and she heard it strike the wall a few feet away.

"Let go of me, let go of me!"

"Who did you tell?"

She froze, but only for a second.

Fight him.

She felt paralyzed but her mind was screaming at her to kick him in the crotch, bite his hand, anything.

Fight him, dammit!

"No one."

"Who did you tell, you fucking bitch!"

He shoved her towards the wall, into the shadows. She could see the bottle now, and if she could bend down just a little she could grab it.

"I didn't tell anyone, let go of me!"

She couldn't stand up and she slumped down against the wall. He shook her and her head hit the brick. She could see stars now, but more importantly, she could just touch the pepper spray. She tried to roll it towards her and ended up rolling it away. Dr. Grey slapped her and shouted, "Who did you tell!"

Maybe it was a rush of adrenaline. Maybe it was a guardian angel possessing her. Whatever it was, she managed to bring her knee up and hit him in the groin. He let go of her and fell over, wheezing. Nancy stood up and grabbed the pepper spray.

"You leave me the fuck alone, do you understand that? If you ever come near me again, so help me..."

But he was standing up.

Oh, god, he's not human!

"Just tell me who you told, that's all I need to know."

She sprayed him in the eyes and he staggered back. Something snapped and she rushed him, spraying a continuous stream at his face.

"You leave me alone! You goddamned monster, just leave me alone!"

She had the satisfaction of seeing the panic in his eyes before everything grayed out.

* * * *

"Well, that's all done...hang on a minute."

Cole leaned back in the chair and wondered who was on the phone. He wasn't expecting Alans to hold the phone out to him.

"Hello?"

"Cole Martin?"

"Yes. Who is this?"

"This is Sergeant Dana from Seattle Police Force. Do you know someone called Nancy Hale?"

"Yes, why?"

Oh, god, don't let her be dead, please say there wasn't a break-in gone wrong...

"You might want to come down here."

"What happened?"

"Maybe she'll tell you. We found her...look, just come down here. It's complicated."

He hung up and was out the door before Alans could ask him what was going on.

* * * *

Sergeant Dana was a big woman. Cole thought she wasn't going to take shit from anybody.

"Nancy?"

"Oh, yes. She's fine-a few scratches, but nothing serious. Won't say a word, though."

"What happened?"

"Well, we got a call from someone who said they found her beating the living daylights out of some poor soul in an alleyway. There was a bottle of pepper spray by her, but it's empty. We don't know who the man is, but she had her wallet on her and the witness knew her. They had to pull her off the guy, and they're separated right now. He's in there-maybe you know him? An ex boyfriend, maybe?"

Cole followed her into the other room. Dr. Grey was sitting in the chair holding a cup of coffee. He looked like he'd been hit by a truck-Cole could see several bruises on his face and his eyes were bloodshot. He was sitting funny, too. Cole hoped he had a broken bone.

Or at least a broken dick. It would serve him right.

"I know him. And you'd better take me out of here before I give him another injury."

"Who is he?"

"Dr. Grey-I don't know his first name. Works at a rehab clinic downtown. I knew him as the doctor dealing with me when I had to go down there. Nancy...Nancy worked for him. If I can get her to talk to you, you might want to get a recorder."

"I'll give you a few minutes."

He went in. Nancy was wrapped in a blanket and clutching a mug. She looked okay. Numb and scared, sure, but okay.

"Nance?"

She looked up and for a minute he thought she didn't recognize him.

"You made it."

"Yeah. Gave as good as you got, huh?"

"And then some."

"Look. The woman out there is very nice. Do you think you could tell her everything? I'll be right here with you."  
"No."

He sighed. He didn't like pushing her, but this was for her own good.

"Look, Nancy. If you don't tell them, he walks out of here. Let's pretend he'll never touch another woman again-which is a lie, but still. You won't have peace of mind because you know he'll be out there somewhere. Don't you think you'd feel better if you knew he was locked up? Besides, what if he goes after someone else? Do you want someone else going through what you go through?"

She took a drink of the coffee and didn't say anything. Cole tried again.

"Just think about it, okay? He'd be locked up and you'd never have to see him again. Wouldn't that feel good? Besides, people like him don't do so well in prison. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

She nodded slowly.

"Yes."

"I think she'll take you seriously. Just try, okay? I think it'll help."

"Okay."

"I'll be right here with you, okay? Just tell them what you told me."

She nodded again. He stood up and went to the door.

"Get that tape recorder. And don't interrupt-she's not too eager to do this."

The sergeant left and came back with a little black box. Cole went back to sit next to Nancy, who promptly moved over to lean against him. Nobody spoke for several minutes.

"It's kind of a long story."

In an emotionless voice, Nancy told her story for the second time.

### Chapter Ninety-One

Dr. Cornelius Grey had been in prison for two months and eight weeks when the nightmares finally stopped. Nancy had just started her third year at college when she realized this. When Cole picked her up that afternoon, she mentioned it.

"The nightmares are gone."

"I told you you'd feel better."

"I do."

"Good."

He looked nervous and Nancy wondered what was wrong. For a minute she wondered if he was going to break up with her but she shoved that thought out of her mind.

The car ride home was quiet. When they got in, Nancy went to the window. She loved this window-it was huge and had a great view of the Space Needle. She looked over at the empty bottle of pepper spray. It was in a glass box on the wall, reminding her that she wasn't a victim anymore. She didn't notice Cole come up behind her until she saw his reflection in the glass.

"What's up?"

"You know I love you, right?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Um...we've been...together for a while now, and um...I was wondering if I could..."

She folded her hands and waited.

"CanIkissyou?"

It took her a minute to figure out what he'd just said.

"You've never kissed anyone, have you."

He shook his head, a small, embarrassed smile plainly visible on his reflection.

"Okay. Don't let me fall-I'm not good in heels and the last thing we want is to fall over."

"Okay?"

She turned around to face him and put her hands on his shoulders to balance. He put his hands on her back. She felt shy.

"Close your eyes, Nance."

Firsts are special. Whatever.

She did as he asked. It was another minute before he kissed her. They broke apart a second later when Sadie squeezed between them and sat there.

"You're sure that was your first?"

"Yeah."

"Wow."

He looked past her at the window. She rested her head on his chest and asked, "Is this okay? For your ribs?"

"They're a lot better. You're fine."

"I love you, Cole."

"Love you, too, Nance."

Nancy closed her eyes and listened to the rain hit the window.

Maybe we're not completely normal, but this is good enough for me.

THE END
Thank Yous

To my family-Mom, Daddy, Nonie, Papa, lots of love for sticking by me during the duration of this book.

To my friends-there's too many to name, but you know who you are. Thanks for assuring me that I'm not crazy.

And, lastly, to everyone who was there when I needed you the most. Thanks.

-Lalla Squeglia

