MARIO:
I got a riddle for you.
FAFA:
Okay.
MARIO:
What smells like a penniless hobo, BUT...is so rich...they could buy ALL the hobos?
FAFA:
Oh, a hipster!
MARIO:
Yeah, that's right! Hipsters! They're everywhere!
And where did they come from? It's like they sprang out of nowhere overnight!
FAFA:
Well, actually, that's not true.
Hipsters have been around forever.
They've actually evolved into the hipster that annoys everybody today.
MARIO:
I don't even know what hipster is!
FAFA:
Well that's a toughie. The whole point of hipsters is that they refuse to conform to anything.
That should make 'em hard to identify, but amazingly, they all dress and act the exact same way.
MARIO:
Oh, I thought they were all just annoying rich kids that ate out of dumpsters.
FAFA:
Identifying a hipster by sight:
The hipster's embarassingly ironic.
They wear winter clothes in the summer,
shorts in the winter,
and grandpa hats when they're clearly too young to be wearing grandpa hats.
By attitude:
If someone acts like they're better than you when they smell worse than you, odds are good that's a hipster.
By income:
Okay, here's a scenario.
Someone in a fancy schmancy hybrid buys some mac and cheese...
... with pocket change!
MARIO:
Or pulls their hybrid up to a dumpster and eats mac and cheese out of it!
FAFA:
So where did the hipster come from?
NARRATOR:
EVOLUTION OF THE HIPSTER!
FAFA:
Let's start at the beginning:
Caveman.
Caveman is stupid,
has a beard,
and smells really bad.
The evolution of the hipster has begun!
GORILLA:
(outraged grunt)
MARIO:
(laughter)
Stinky!
FAFA:
With Hipster Caveman's inherent desire to not conform to the pack,
he evolves into the Greek philosopher, better known as...
Socrates!
He still stinks,
and has a beard.
But now he's smart,
writes poetry,
and tells everyone how he's right about stuff and they're not.
MARIO:
I don't know what is a Socrates.
FAFA:
Ultimately, the people didn't understand what Socrates was talking about
so they killed him.
MARIO:
What?!
FAFA:
By 1950, Hipster Caveman Socrates became...
... the beatnik!
They took the concept of being misunderstood, poetic, and preachy to a whole new level.
They met in dark basements,
wore ironic black turtlenecks...
MARIO:
... and they played bongos, and wore berets, and read poetry to each other!
ANNOYING poetry that didn't make any sense!
Like this.
GORILLA:
(ironic poetry)
MARIO:
That guy's a jerk.
FAFA:
He's a beatnik!
Which begat the Bob Dylan,
who begat the hippy.
MARIO:
Oh, I know this one!
Hippies are stinky stoners
who say "hemp is good",
and "meat is murder, man"!
FAFA:
Here are some hipster tendencies of the hippy:
Beard,
smelly,
thinks no one but other hippies understand them.
But eventually, the hippy shaved his beard, got a job,
and became the yuppie.
This was almost a full departure for the hipster, but an important part of his evolution!
Differences:
Clean,
no beard,
had jobs,
smelled nice.
Hipster tendencies:
Thought they were better than other people,
drove BMWs.
And finally, the hipster was complete!
A terrifying genetic hybrid.
Beard of the caveman,
arrogance of Socrates,
irony of the beatnik,
wealth of the yuppy,
stink of the hippy.
MARIO:
That... is... HORRIBLE!
FAFA:
Here's some things that hipsters have ruined for the rest of us.
Sunglasses.
Pabst Blue Ribbon beer.
Bicycles.
Amazing mustaches.
Winter hats.
Tattoos.
Chuck Taylors.
MARIO:
And my t-shirt!
I saw one the other day wearing a yellow shirt with a big "M"! He said it stood for "meaningful"!
He said I couldn't possibly understand!
I understand, alright? It's just my initial!
They're taking my name away! They're taking my name away!
(yelling in panic)
NARRATOR:
(reads the words as they appear on the screen)
(cynical music)
