

Inside the Beast

by Tiago Zegur

This book is dedicated to the memory of those who did not find a reason to fight, but fought; those who did not find a reason to dream, but dreamed; those who did not find a reason to stay, but stayed.

Do not be afraid to be happy.

© 2016 Tiago Zegur, Cork City

Prologue

This is gonna sound strange, but this killer ain't been paid to kill others, but the ones who have paid him themselves. They aren't paying to have their identities disappear or their death faked, but to be killed for real, all the way.

He has such a unique job that he is frequently misjudged, but he always makes sense in the end.

Could a normal human being be employed in such a job? He is a human being, after all. Perhaps he is an angel, or a devil? Perhaps he is a bit of both. Perhaps he is an angel with a monster inside. If so, where would his soul go after death?

What happens when such a creature believes he is alone on Earth, but meets another creature of the same kind?

This story is about love that saves lives, and about lies and secrets that kill.

The Car Accident

The young man received a text message on his phone and immediately replied.

Hey there, it´s me. We´re getting it done tonight. Grab your car keys and drive through the night to the Netherlands. Now!

But I live in Germany.

Hello?

Are you there?

Fuck! Alright, let's do this.

After driving quietly through the streets of Munich, the young man finally reached the Autobahn. There was no traffic, so he drove at maximum speed for several hours.

At around 3 a.m. he stopped at a gas station to piss and buy an energy drink to stay awake.

There was no time to waste, so he quickly got back on the road. Driving at maximum speed, he took a few stops from time to time. He listened to loud music with disturbing lyrics, his favorite songs from the past two years.

Suddenly, he received another text message.

Where are you?

Just passed Frankfurt

Did you leave your family a letter?

No. Should I have done it? I can email them...

No, no. That's actually good. It means you really want it. You have passed the last test. Is the money left where I told you to leave it?

Yes. I´m so excited and nervous...

Once you are approaching Bonn, do something to break your phone. Really destroy it. But keep it with you.

But then how are we gonna communicate? How are we meeting?

Just do it. Shortly before Bonn´s exit, turn on your flashers and keep driving with them on.

One more hour passed. The young man´s stomach started to growl, but he didn't want to eat. He continued driving, knowing he wouldn't need food.

The time had finally come. He turned on his flashers and began smashing his phone on the dashboard of the car. The whole escapade was fun, but he suddenly felt a bit scared driving alone in the long, dark, empty streets. He kept smashing his phone and while he was doing so, he was suddenly distracted by a scene happening on the road. One person was crossing the street, one person was lying on the ground, and one person was running away, disappearing into the dark. Distracted by the scene, he did not see the spikes on the dark road. His tires burst and he lost control of the car.

The car rolled over a few times until it stopped off of the road in the darkness. All of the lights were off and it was pitch black except for a tiny green light emitting from the radio. The strange man from the road walked toward the car. He checked the boy without touching anything. The audio system was playing "Island of the Misfit Boy" by Front Porch Step. The man sighed deeply, as if he hated what he had done, but he knew it was for a good cause.

Rest in Peace.

In the Trailer

"Oh wow, you put a lot of thought into it. And what happened after you killed the boy?"

"I picked up the money and disappeared, like always."

"It sounds so mean"

There was a short, awkward pause.

"I´m sorry...am I your next client, after him?"

"It does not matter. We are here to talk about you, so tell me why you are here."

"I have been depressed for five years. I´m not from here, and I have no family. Friends disappear when you go bad...so I don´t wanna be myself anymore. I do not want to live this life. I wanna get out. Life is not my thing."

She laughed a short laugh, ending in a sad tone.

"So, I have being wanting to die for a while. I´m exhausted and I can´t keep fighting anymore. I wanna get out."

The man seemed lost in his own thoughts, as if he had suddenly seen himself in her story. He suddenly returned his thoughts to the conversation.

"Have you tried treatment?"

"Yes. My health insurance does not cover much, though. I have not been able to talk to a doctor regularly, but I have been able to access medication. I have switched from medication to medication, trying everything. No combination of meds seems to work for me. I have had side effects such as dizziness, aggression, and forgetfulness. Nothing has improved over the past two years. I lost all of my friends and my boyfriend. Once, I almost lost my job."

"What if I give you enough money for five years of appointments with private doctors, all in advance?"

"Ah, wow."

She was speechless for a few seconds.

"I don´t know what to say. That is so nice, and unexpected coming from you."

She hadn't expected him to have a soft and kind side and she unexpectedly found him to be charming and attractive. He interrupted her thoughts.

"It's because I´m a monster right, for killing these people? That´s why nothing nice could come from me."

"I´m sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"It´s alright. Just answer my question."

"It´s a really nice offer, but I have this bad problem. I can't open myself up to others at all. I just can't. In the few appointments that I have had, I have tried, even with hypnoses. I know this must be hard to believe and understand and you probably think this is bullshit..."

"Don´t worry about it. I won´t judge you."

There was another short silence between them. She was surprised by his reaction.

"Thank you for believing me. It was actually hard for me even to say that. No one ever believes me. They don´t think I have a real disease."

"It doesn't mean you don't have any problems, just because medical doctors haven´t diagnosed you with a label."

She felt her cheeks flush and touched them. His kindness had really affected her, and her face felt warm. He turned to face the other direction and she took the opportunity to look around the trailer. What caught her attention the most was a box of medications next to the bed.

He offered her a package of chips.

"I'm sorry I don't have anything better to offer."

As he held the package toward her, she noticed a discreet tattoo on his wrist that read "lo que hacés, lo pagarás."

"I´m fine, thank you. So, if you have so much money, why do you live in this trailer?"

"Having a house could make it too easy for the police to find me."

She became nervous, uncomfortable maybe. He noticed it.

"Are you afraid of getting caught?"

"Well, yeah, I don´t want my life to get even worse."

"Fair enough. But don´t worry. I have had clients turn against me and call the cops. But I still made it. I have installed a system that would set this trailer on fire with one push of a button to burn any proof in the event of an emergency."

"How did you become so good at vanishing?...and about your clients, do you help two or more people at the same time?"

"We´re talking too much about me again. Tell me, how did you find me?"

"Well, actually I did not; you found me. I found a card of yours that described you as a last alternative doctor. You claimed on your card that you have always solved your patients' problems."

"At this moment, the man looked down, as if that wasn't all true."

"I tried to contact you, but the number did not work. Then, I searched for you on the Internet and found couple of forums and blogs that described you. Most of them referred to you as 'The Pain Killer.' I had one more clue, but I still could not find you until you contacted me a few weeks later."

"Yeah, that´s how I always do it, for safety purposes. Plus, I gotta spy on you for few days to see if you´re really depressed."

She suddenly became nervous again, blushing.

"Hey, don´t worry, I only watched you in the bathroom, when you were showering."

There was joy in his words.

"Oh, excuse me! I don´t know what you saw, but I was only squeezing pimples this last week. I actually hardly ever have them."

The man smiled with one side of his mouth, and she instantly realized that she should not have been so nervous and had no need to clarify everything. She stopped talking and pinched her face, which was very red.

"Hey, I was not watching you like a freak pervert. Many depressed people take very long showers or baths. They just stay in the shower, letting the water run along their bodies, not really showering."

He began to sound more serious, and she felt less uncomfortable. It was similar to being naked in front of any other doctor."

"I also saw that you have a gun at home..."

"Oh, that! For protection, you know? Walking alone late at night, in Paris, can be dangerous."

"Most people just carry pepper spray, but a gun is fine with me."

There was silence once again, and she felt uncomfortable again.

"I don´t know if you have read about the price I charge."

"No, but I expect it to be expensive."

"The price is always all the money you have."

"Wow, that´s pricy."

She laughed at her own joke.

"It is worth it, though. I would like to leave some money to some people. Is that possible?"

"Unfortunately no, otherwise it would not look like an accident. A testament written shortly before a young person's death is always suspicious. However, in the case of premature death, without testaments, banks usually give the money to the deceased's family."

"I understand. And when and how would I pay you?"

"I´ll let you know when you should cash out everything you have in your bank accounts, and where you should leave all the money."

"I don´t have much, though."

"It´s alright."

There was another quiet moment.

"So... how do you live here during the winter? You´re always traveling, and I´m sure you have been to pretty cold countries. This trailer does not seem very warm."

'Sleeping bags."

He was trying to keep it short, as he did not want to talk too much about himself. However, it was one of the first conversations he had ever enjoyed with a person like her, so he decided to let it linger.

"I also insulated the walls of the trailer using the same products used in houses throughout Canada. I always park next to gas stations, or anywhere where I can have access to a plug so that my heater works. For emergencies, I carry extra batteries. As you can see, I have also installed reflectors and foam on the windows to keep them insulated.

"Wow, pretty smart! Oh damn, I´m saying too many wows."

She laughed a bit and blushed.

"Oh, I should not have said that, either."

He smiled that charming smile again. Secretly, he liked that he was making her nervous. Looking up, his eyes met her eyes and they exchanged glances for a second until they were interrupted by the loud sizzle of an amateur radio.

...nearby units, respond, ongoing suicide call...

He quickly turned it off.

"Was that a police frequency?"

"No, that wasn't anything."

He turned on a different radio to a random radio station, but it seemed to her that the song that was playing reminded him of something unpleasant.

"You gotta go," he said hastily. "Let's meet another time so we can decide if we're doing it or not, okay?

"Okay, okay. It was nice to meet you..."

"I'm Josh. Nice meeting you too, Monica."

Monica had a lot of pictures hanging all over her small apartment, all pictures that she had drawn herself. That evening, she drew Josh's face.

The Close Call

Josh immediately turned his radio off. He put his hands over his ears, as if he had heard something that physically hurt them. He breathed deeply in exhaustion. He opened his minibar to grab something to drink, but it was empty. He closed it again and sat down on the floor against the minibar.

Gotta go buy food again, walk between people, talk to them, and smile... Erg!

He did not have the energy to go out, but his stomach was growling. There was a package of chips right next to him, but he did not eat. Instead, he grabbed a paperclip from the floor and played with it for a bit, pressing it against his hand until he felt pain. He opened his hand again and the paperclip fell to the ground, followed by two drops of blood.

He reached for some tablets that were also on the floor. He was starting to run out of them. He swallowed the last three and hugged his legs, putting his head down against his knees. Without being aware of his movements, he rubbed his feet against each other for at least an hour, left alone with his horrific and disturbing thoughts.

Why am I still alive if I feel so dead inside? Fuck, I hate nights...

Having lost track of the time, he could guess that it must be very late at night. Josh knew what he needed to do to release his sense of agony. He left his trailer and roamed the empty streets of Paris, searching for a car that would be easy to steal. Upon finding the right one, he broke into its system and started the engine. Wearing a low cap, He drove at an alarming speed, driving through every red light. He did not slow down for anything, but continued speeding through junctions and roundabouts, unsure of what he was seeking.

He bought some alcohol on the way back to his trailer. His night ended when he fell asleep next to his own vomit.

Josh was wanted all over Europe, Japan, and North America. No one really knew exactly what he looked like, but altogether, the countries' spies and intelligence units were starting to put together the pieces.

One Japanese police officer named Takeshi had been working on the case, known as "The Pain Killer," for quite some time. A heavy smoker, the case had made him begin to smoke even more compulsively.

For the past ten months, there hadn't been any sign of the Pain Killer in Japan. As a result, the local police archived the case. However, countries across Europe were starting to investigate cases that seemed to mimic the Pain Killer's style. The Japanese police revisited their files to help other countries with the search, adding new information from time to time. However, the case began to consume Takeshi's life and he developed a growing obsession with this mysterious serial killer. Taking all of the case's files with him, Takeshi boarded a plane to Germany, the country where the Pain Killer was believed to be located. He felt too far away from the case in Japan, and he was losing too many details. Once he was out of Japan, he was no longer recognized as a police officer, but a civilian. Luckily, he had been granted permission to carry a gun.

Middle-aged with premature strands of white hair beginning to grow on his head, Takeshi always seems to have a cigarette hanging out of one side of his mouth.

He had no family and no one to miss him, making it easy to just jump on an airplane with little idea of when he would return, if at all.

Above and beyond his obsession for the case, he had a personal reason to be to sagaciously following every development. His obsession had made him into a talented investigator for the case, so much so, that he was the only person who had stumbled upon the Pain Killer's big plan. It was something so big that the Pain Killer had been planning it for over a year. For this plan, there would be no victims except the Pain Killer himself.

Josh and Monica met for a second time. They met at a park where they could talk privately, as they were discussing a delicate subject. Anyhow, Josh preferred having minimal contact with people.

"So, to make sure I'm not killing someone who does not really wanna die deep inside, I have some rules, tests, and questions that help me accurately judge this," he began.

"Okay, so do I have to answer a questionnaire?" she asked.

He found her question funny, but only smiled.

"No, only I know the tests, and I'll secretly apply them during this short time we have together."

"I see, you're going to get to know me better."

"Exactly. I'll look for little clues like that."

He grabbed her arm gently, noticing marks of self-harm on her arms for the first time. She became uncomfortable, and he noticed.

"Remember, I won't judge you. I've been there."

He let his hand slide down her arm until their hands met. There was no awkward silence this time. For three long seconds, she tried to figure out if he was looking for excuses to touch her. Was he also nervous? He could be, as he had just suddenly restarted the conversation.

"I recognized that I was depressed when I was 19 years old," he said. "Altogether, that means I have been depressed for seven years."

"I'm sorry, that's a lot."

"Yeah, and fighting it so badly," he continued. "What for? At the end your life is over, but in the meantime, you waste 20 of the best years of your life. You have to take pills every damn day and see psychologists. It never really goes away. I am not a monster. I'm helping the people who are already condemned to be released from their life. I especially want to help the ones who can't do it themselves. They come to me, and I'm doing them a favor."

"Okay, now you're starting to sound like a psycho," she said with a laugh, making fun of her own joke.

He seemed hurt.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that."

"It's alright. I should not be talking about myself so much, anyway."

Coincidentally, they were sitting in front of a charming Paris café, one that had cozy deco artwork and tiny tables. He asked her if she would join him for a coffee. He was hurt by her comment, which seemed to bring back some kind of painful memory. He quickly recovered, and at least appeared to be fine.

He ordered for both of them at the café. She noticed that his French was not that bad. She was surprised to see that he had ordered exactly what she wanted. She was picky, so it was not something that could have happened by accident.

"Wow, how did you..."

He smiled again, and she noticed that he was enjoying playing with her mind...unless he was not playing anything, and she was already beginning to fantasize about him in her mind.

"I'm not any kind of magician," he said. "I know your favorite coffee from spying on you for a few days, remember?"

He winked at her and she felt as though she would melt into the ground. They realized at the same moment that the attendant was waiting for them with their coffees, and she had a strange look on her face. Monica realized that she must have overheard Josh refer to spying on her.

"You said you have no family here," he said. "Why don't you go live closer to your family? That could help."

"The thing is, my family has always considered me to be a freak," she explained. "Here, since I am a foreigner, it is okay to be different because people already think of me as different. In my own country, with my own family, I have no legitimate reason to be different."

"That completely makes sense," he said.

"Don't you feel lonely?" she asked, as if she was feeling lonely herself.

"I am lonely. While we're here, let's stay focused on our main purpose. Let me tell you more about how I work. Once you tell me that you want to die for sure, and I'm convinced that you really want it, there will be no way back. Is that clear?"

"Clear."

"You did not hesitate with your answer, so you have passed one more test."

Monica was proud and scared at the same time.

"You said you have been there...what happened to you?" she asked.

She kept pushing him to talk, making her the most difficult client he had ever had. In his condition, you can only imagine how difficult it was to never share his pain with anyone. He felt himself allowing himself to share his story.

"My story is not much different from anyone else struggling with depression. There is only one thing that makes me different. I call it 'The Curse.'"

"What is it?"

"I feel as though for some reason I am kept in a zone where I share the pain of all depressed people everywhere, with no one understanding my experiences. At the same time, I feel as though I am viewed differently by the world. No one thinks I am depressed. They do not see me as any different from anyone else. I feel like a disarmed person having to live and win a war for which everyone else is well-armed."

"I don't get it."

"Don't worry about it. I have been told by so many people that this is all in my head that I am not even sure myself of what I really believe."

"Just because you have not been labeled, it does not mean that you do not have a problem."

*********************************

The police forces of each country had been conducting their own investigations of the case. In France, the French Intentional Homicide Investigation Unit had recently found clues of the Pain Killer's new location. They believed he was in the romantic city of Paris.

Shortly before this clue was announced on television, it was shared between all of the police forces investigating the case. Takeshi heard the new intelligence as well, which brought him to his next destination.

While waiting for his suitcase at the airport, Takeshi saw the Pain Killer mentioned on every television channel. It was incredible how much confidential information the media had accessed, sensationalizing every detail.

This suitcase is taking way too long.

All of the other passengers from his flight were gone. Takeshi had already lit his fifth cigarette and there was still no sign of his bag. He walked over to the airport's investigation center to ask for assistance. Using her thick accent, the airport attendant asked him to wait for a moment while she made a phone call. While she was talking on the phone, Takeshi discreetly put on his headset, which automatically translates what it hears. As a detective, he couldn't believe what he was hearing. He caught just enough information to understand the problem. The police had gone through his bag and had found all of his documents about the Pain Killer's case. The suitcase had been confiscated, and they were preparing to question Takeshi. Before the attendant had finished the conversation, he had quietly left the airport.

Walking away did not really make anything easier. Takeshi knew that he now might be wanted for questioning. It would be a challenge to work on chasing the serial killer without being caught. He wondered if it was worth it to risk his own freedom for the sake of justice.

Working together with Europol, the French police decided on a risky move. They would use an undercover police officer to locate the Pain Killer. They knew that the serial killer knew a lot about clinically depressed people, and investigated his potential victims. A team was created especially for the operation, and professionals were being tested for someone to go undercover as the Pain Killer's next victim. It would have to be someone strong, discreet, courageous, and good at acting. The best in the country were tested, and after selecting one, simulations were begun to practice the approach.

After a few simulations, they realized that even the best police officer could not do the job. An experience such as depression could not be learned, but could only be genuinely felt. The Pain Killer might be able to catch him by identifying lies and facial expressions. They could not rule out that possibility and could not put a police officer in such danger.

The plan was excellent, but difficult to perform. However, after a few long and exhausting meetings, they decided to put one more police officer to the test. It would be someone who had suffered from depression in the past. It was difficult to find the right individual, because a history of depression made it easy to be excluded from the police force. They found one.

The brought the chosen police officer to go through the tests and simulations. It was their only chance. Rumors about the Pain Killer being in France were rampant and the police felt very strong pressures to catch him. However, the chosen police officer also failed all of the tests and simulations because a few of the requirements were not achieved. However, there was no one else and the media was following their every move.

The chosen police officer was sent to their new 24/7 mission. Other agents were always following, for safety purposes. Two special teams were created to be responsible for the undercover officer's personal protection. There was a sniper, a detective, and a squad in each team, which would take turns with their duties. They would have to remain invisible.

*********************************

"I already know that I want it," Monica continued.

"But that is not the final question," Josh answered.

"Why can't it be? Do you need time to plan it?"

"Yes. I have to spend a bit more time with you for you to complete all of my tests."

"A test for which I can't know the tasks is so unfair."

Her voice revealed that she was actually enjoying the mystery and intrigue.

"I want you to tell me exactly how it's gonna be done," she insisted.

"I can't do that. I never do. No telling how you die, if you die, or when you die. I especially cannot tell you when you die. Stories of how I've handled it with others are also secrets."

"Okay, but why did you include 'if?'" she asked.

"It's because if I decide that you don't deserve to die, I won't kill you, and I won't tell you that, either."

"What a second! It's not up to you if I die. I will, 'cause I'm paying you."

Monica was clearly becoming aggressive. Josh found it unexpected and strange, but he kept his cool.

"You won't know if you passed the test, so you won't know if you will be killed. It's more convenient for you to die unexpectedly. If you don´t know that the pain is coming, you feel less pain. In case you don't deserve to die, I still don´t tell you. That is actually an important part of this process. Often, during this time when they are waiting to be killed, people decide to enjoy the last days of their life. Sometimes, these people enjoy life so much that they find the way out of their curses. It means that they are the ones who deep down inside truly don´t wanna die, so they make the most out of their last chance at life. I can´t take that from´m."

Monica's eyes filled with tears.

"Wow! That...that...that was beautiful. And so deep..."

Josh reacted without pride, as if the thought wasn't his own.

"Also, I will never tell you how you´ll die."

"I... I... I think I have to go."

She started to hurry. Most men would get up, ask if she was okay, and ask if they could help, but not Josh. He kept sitting in the same place with a strange look on his face. Monica grabbed her bag and looked angrily at him. Before leaving, she gave him another dirty look.

Jar of Hearts

Josh returned to his trailer and finally began drinking the coffee he had ordered at the café. It felt good to forget his pain sometimes, but now he was back to his dark, dirty, and messy house. He threw the cup away and it fell on his bed. It was getting dark, and the evening always brought him bad feelings. From under the mattress, he retrieved a photo of his family. He quickly put it away again, as if seeing them would hurt him even more than only missing them. He closed his eyes and tried to concentrate, tried to wake up, as if he was living in a nightmare. He felt angry with the injustices in the world.

If all citizens are free, where is our right to quit life?

Josh put on his headphones and turned up the music as loudly as possible until his ears physically hurt. The playlist was the worst possible. Josh tried to feel something, even if what he felt was pain. If you can't feel any feelings at all, you feel hollow and do not feel human, which is worse than dying. The only thing his body could feel was pain, but it was still better than emptiness.

Don't worry, Josh. Your big plan is coming and soon this will all be over. For now, let's try again to wake up from this nightmare.

*********************************

The police had a plan. The computer technicians and the spy would work together to find out who was going to be the Pain Killer's next victim. After that, the police would give this victim protective custody. Next, the chosen undercover police officer would assume the identity of the victim. The Pain Killer would be led into a trap.

The undercover policeman had contact with their family cut, their residency relocated, their hobbies readapted, their car changed, their friends blocked, and their pet taken. Everything was done so that if they were researched by the Pain Killer, it would not show that they had any connection to the police. Photo editors had photographs of a supposed past created to fake an entire life. False colleagues were provided, a tattoo was made, and a new job found, a real one.

The operation began, but the first victim wasn't the same gender as the undercover police officer. The victim´s death was faked to make the Pain Killer move on to the next one. This time, everything matched, and the whole plan began to take shape. As planned, the Pain Killer showed up. He came after the undercover police officer. They found out where he lived and even how he looked. The plan was going well. Now, they just needed to gather as much evidence as possible against him. Takeshi was determined to find him first so that he would have his chance to what he wanted to do.

*********************************

"You´re gonna kill me anyway, so why don´t you tell me about your story? I keep asking you and you always change the subject."

"It´s not sure yet that I´ll kill you."

"You´re the closest thing I've had to a real friend for years. And I´m counting my family and my boyfriends in that. I won´t betray you, no matter how I end up. So tell me, how did you come up with the idea of doing that?"

"I have always had some form of depression. Sometimes it was possible to deal with it, sometimes it was really bad, and sometimes it was just impossible. In one of those periods of my life, when it was really, really strong, all I wanted was to die, which is different than wanting to commit suicide. I wanted to die, but didn't have the strength to kill myself, never did. In one moment during the worst of the worst periods, I finally started thinking about suicide. But no matter how depressed I was, I never could go on all the way with killing myself. I remember that night holding a couple of pods of heavy medication, collecting the strength to do it. I was shaking, sweaty, crying, and desperate. I never understood why other people could do it, and I never could. Why did I have to be so different than the others? It was life keeping me here, to keep having fun watching me suffer through years, waiting for old age, to finally die, with a smile on my face. Why me? Most people who are that depressed just try to kill themselves. They might not succeed, but that is beyond the point. They´re at least capable of doing it, and that´s what mattered to me. It is sad, but I envy people who are able to kill themselves."

Josh took a break when his voice failed for a second and his eyes turned watery. He took a deep breath.

"That was when it occurred to me that there may be others out there like me, who want it so, so bad but couldn't do it. I couldn't help myself, but maybe I could at least help others. The funny thing is, life wouldn't be satisfied with only depression; it had to make things harder. There were so many moments when I felt more than depressed. There wasn't only depression; anyway, I had to have couple of other problems and diseases that would make everything worse. Why, why can´t I kill myself?"

"What kinds of problems and diseases do you mean?"

"You know those guys who are sleeping with a different girl every night? They´re really good at seduction and conquering and they think they´re awesome because of that. Well, I tell you what! There´s nothing awesome about´m; we´re just a bunch of people who are sick in the head."

At the moment, it sounded as though Josh really hated himself.

"Always breaking hearts, always hurting everyone around me, and hurting myself. I'm just a fucking monster."

"I have seen that you have a beautiful heart," Monica said, giving him a hug.

Josh hugged her back, shortly, and then pushed her away.

"No, don´t you dare feel sorry for me. I'm not the poor one here. Try me and you won't have a chance. You'll end up just like all the other...girls, that hate me now."

He was really losing it and on the verge of tears, so before he lost control of his emotions, he walked away. Monica did not show any sign of reaction, almost as though she could feel his pain and agony.

She gave him some time and then caught up with him. Once she was by his side, she held his hand and told him that she wouldn't judge him.

"I´m a monster. You don´t see when you first look at me, but once you get to see the inside..."

"...Then you see the monster. But I've seen even deeper than that, and found out that that monster is not the real you. It´s just one of the diseases you mentioned."

"How could you see that in only few weeks with me?"

"It has been a short time, but an intense time."

Josh couldn't deny it.

"I don´t know how to love."

"I think you do."

"Do you remember when we first met? We were at my trailer, and there was this song playing on the radio, shortly before you left..."

"What song was it?"

"'Jar of Hearts.'"

"I don´t recall it. Is it an important song for you?"

"In the beginning, when I used to be a monster, ripping hearts apart, in one of my escapisms I met this singer in London who happened to be one of my monster´s victims. Her name was Christina. We were together for a while, and everything went from perfect to strange and painful, for her. When she finally got enough straight to run away from this monster, she wrote this song, breaking up with me through her music."

"Wow, you have a song written for you!"

"But not a good song... it´s never nice when it ends, but that was one of the worst endings."

Josh was quiet for a moment.

"I always get what I deserve," he reflected.

"Why did you do that to all of those women?"

"I don´t know any better."

"I can show you better..."

Josh remained quiet.

"Did you ever have anything else written or composed for you?" she wondered.

"Yeah, there is another song, called 'Ugly Heart.' I guess the name tells you everything.'"

Back home, Monica had to google this Christina girl to see if she was prettier than her. And as every famous person, of course she was quite good looking, and that made Monica a bit jealous. Now she hated someone that she hadn't even met.

Josh returned home in quite a bad mood. He got on his knees and placed his gun in his mouth.

Come on, you can do it! Do it!

He tried his best to pull the trigger, but he could not move his finger.

He angrily threw the gun away and grabbed a rope. Preparing a gallows, his head was tired and he couldn't fight anymore. He had fought half of his entire life, and it was time he got some rest. He deserved it.

Josh thought of all the bad things he had done, all the people he had hurt. That automatically brought thoughts of all of the people who had badly hurt him. He had once met a Brazilian who used to say "the person who punches forgets, the person who gets punched never forgets." For Josh, that was about right. Josh had never forgotten all of the punches he had ever received. The punchers were out there enjoying their lives, and Josh was sentenced to feel the pain, every day, being reminded of it all the time everywhere, in movies, songs, radio stations, photos, the Internet, people, and parties...

What is left of life to enjoy? That's right, nothing.

The peculiar thing was that Josh had not forgotten that he, too, had been the puncher several times. In fact, he knew he was partly suffering as a consequence of his own punches.

He remembered when he was cheated. It is funny how even though he was the one hurt, he had still crucified himself for what happened.

Josh remembered when in an unnatural moment of anger, he had hit his dog a few times. The poor dog didn't have anything to do with Josh's problems. What a piece of shit he was. Someone like himself only deserved hell, both after and before death. He missed having a pet, but pets weren't for abominations like him.

Yes Josh, you are the monster that they say. Not even jail is enough for you. If there is a god, why would he have created such an abominable beast?

Josh turned on the radio and placed his head in a special pillow that he had created to not let his heard turn. The idea was to make sure he would choke in his own vomit.

*********************************

Takeshi had found his way to the new police files, and saw how the Pain Killer looked and where to find him. The first thing he did was to go check the address. He did it in the middle of the night, at around midnight. At first, the detective watched the trailer from afar for quite some time. He confirmed Josh's presence, and after there had been no movements inside the trailer for about a half an hour, Takeshi approached the trailer.

With a microphone, the detective made sure that Josh was sleeping by analyzing his calm and long breathing rhythms. It was hard work, as the radio had been playing for the entire time.

It was time to take action. Takeshi furtively broke in and faced a messy trailer that smelled like a house that had been closed for a long time. There was a man deeply sleeping.

He stood in a moment of amazement. It was unbelievable. He had finally found the Pain Killer who he had been seeking for so long. He was in such a state of shock that his cigarette fell from his mouth, bringing him back to reality.

Takeshi repossessed his cigarette, pulled out his gun, and, maintaining a safe distance, he pushed Josh, trying to wake him up.

What would happen next, once Josh was awake? Would that be how things ended for him? Was justice with his own hands all Takeshi wanted, or was he seeking revenge? Had he lost someone because of Josh?

Instead of waking up, Josh began to choke. Takeshi waited for a moment, guessing that Josh would wake up any second. Just then, the detective noticed signs of recent drug consumption, and knew he wouldn't wake up. Should he just let it happen and watch? Would that be the justice he was seeking?

The detective pulled Josh out of bed, laying him on the floor on his stomach.

Completely surprised, Takeshi couldn't react for a few seconds until he realized that Josh was starting to wake up. He quietly left the trailer.

Josh woke up on the floor, lying on his own vomit. Obviously, something had gone wrong. His plan didn't work, as he was still alive.

Shit and it is still one thirty in the morning.

The trailer smelled like cigarettes and puke, and the radio was still playing. The mix of the smell in combination with the music seemed to be causing a reaction in Josh. His body started to have convulsions and spasms, his eyes turned, and his hands and the bends of his body contracted. It was scary and painful, looking like a transformation, like a man turning into a werewolf, into a beast.

After this reaction, he had a different posture, chunkier, brutish; with a deeper voice and look. He cleaned himself and got dressed to kill and hit the streets, feeling good, looking for a club. The monster was out of control now, and it was going to do what it did best, hunt.

There you go, this is a good one. The beast arrived and ordered a few drinks right away. That´s it! Now it's on the dance floor, showing all the people how to break down. How easy it is to look so cool and sexy at the same time.

Of course, all the girls started to flirt and wanted it, and all the guys began to hate it. Maybe that's why Josh never had any friends. Guys just seemed to be intimidated by him.

The beast was just trying to dance away its ghosts, with a huge desire to cry, it was unconsciously doing its magic. All the girls were been bewitched by its spell. The fact that the beast was not there for them, but for itself, seemed to attract them like a magnet even more. Here goes the heartbreaker.

The music and everything else around him hurt so badly. He had to get through it though. It was his fate. Thousands of flashbacks appeared in Josh's mind, every single one of them feeling like a stab in the heart. Yeah Josh, some people were born to be happy, some people were burn to be sad, you were born to suffer.

It danced with a young woman with a gorgeous face and a perfect body. She put something on his tongue, shortly before kissing it. Things started to get pretty crazy. The music and dancing felt amazing, so much so that it was almost overwhelming.

It saw the girl dancing and turning into a different girl every second or so. The music jumped and switched nonstop, and so did the beast's clothing and body temperature. It was all so surreal; kissing this changing girl, having changing drinks.

The monster ended up at her apartment, which was also constantly changing, making it hard to move without bumping into things. He had sex with this blonde, blue-eyed, skinny, flexible, large chested, freckled, tan, redheaded, curly haired, Asian, large lipped, tattooed, pale, green-eyed, golden skinned, brunette, brown-eyed, pink haired, black woman...

Josh woke up with a hell of a headache and in this hot girl's bed, where she was sleeping. The apartment looked awesome, with modern and expensive furniture. He took a look through the window and saw that it was the top floor of a place right next to the Eiffel tower.

What a view.

He also saw his reflection on the window's glass. He looked like a zombie and had a black eye.

He quickly dressed and while doing so, noticed that his hands were sore and bruised, as if he had punched something hard.

What the hell!?

Josh felt exhausted and hungry. On the way to the door, he heard a sexy voice.

"Are we gonna do this again?"

Whatever had happened last night, she had liked, although Josh couldn't remember what it was.

"I'll call you," he said before leaving.

Monica left her workplace a half an hour late. Josh was outside waiting for her.

"Hi! Why were you gone for so long?" Monica asked Josh, as if annoyed by his disappearance.

"What do you mean gone for so long?"

"I haven't heard from you for at least two weeks."

Only then did Josh realize that he had been zoned out for days.

"Is that a black eye? What were you into?"

"Let's not talk about it. Tell me, how are you?"

"I´m fine."

She didn't sound fine.

"You don´t have to tell me if you don´t want to, but if you need someone to talk to... I can see that you´re down."

They started walking together.

"It´s this stupid job that I have."

"You don´t like being a waitress?"

"It´s not the job itself; it´s my boss. He just saw my scars on my arms today, and asked me to wear long sleeves from now on. He doesn't want me to scare the customers."

"What an ass. You know you don´t need this job, right? I can pay all of your expenses."

"That´s nice of you, but I think it´s better if I´m not spending so much time alone, thinking, at home."

"Hmm, I understand that. Well, you might not have too much time left to waste with asses like that, so, if you wanna quit your job, just let me know, and I'll make sure that I keep you busy so you don´t drown in your own thoughts."

"Thank you. I don´t understand why he has to be so mean."

"Who knows? Maybe he also has his own demons."

"I wish I was as understanding as you are."

Josh looked down. He was obviously not good at taking complements.

"Speaking of understanding, I noticed that you have a tattoo, but I don´t understand what it says."

"Oh, this...this is nothing, it was just something stupid."

"Come one, tell me. You tell me about your tattoo and I'll tell you about my tattoo."

"You've got a tattoo!?"

"Ah, you saw me completely naked when spying on me but didn't notice my tattoo on my neck? Someone was paying too much attention to other parts of my body."

They both laughed. That was the first time he had really laughed in a long time. Monica was amazed. It was beautiful, and it was because of her. Two minutes ago she had been down, and now she was glowing.

"So, are you gonna let me see it or not?"

"See what?"

She was was way too drunk on his smile and hypnotized by his eyes to think.

"Your tattoo."

"Oh, yeah, of course. Yes, here..."

She blushed again, feeling her face becoming hot.

"I´m sorry, here it is."

Josh touched her delicate skin, slipped his hand on her neck, and pulled back her soft hair. She quietly shuddered, feeling herself get goose bumps. He was so close to her that she could smell his cologne and feel his breath. Unconsciously, she was asking for a kiss, even as she bit her lip.

Moving away from Monica, Josh had a hard time separating himself from her. They were like two magnets attracting each other, then being pulled apart.

"Nice tattoo. Is it Aztec?"

"It´s Hindu, but nice guess."

"What does it mean?"

"It´s an iconic language for 'Come and save me.'"

Monica looked deeply into his eyes.

"I have had this tattoo for a few years, but it feels like it is only now starting to make sense to me."

"I like it."

"Your turn now. What about your tattoo?"

"Oh, no... It´s definitely not as cool as yours. It´s just one of those stupid things people do when they´re depressed."

"I won´t judge you," she said, using his own sentence against him.

"'Lo que hacés, lo pagarás,' by Estelares. It´s Castilian. It means, 'What you do, you´ll pay for.'"

"It sounds beautiful when you pronounce it in Castilian"

There was another awkward silence, as he once more struggled to accept the compliment.

"Hmmm, isn´t Castilian Spanish?"

"Well, there is a small difference. Just like European Portuguese and Brazilian Portuguese, or American English and British English. Argentinians are very proud of their language, so they won´t call it Spanish, but Castilian, as it is where it has its origins. It comes from Castile, and is considered to be the purest Spanish."

"Wow, interesting! It looks like you really admire their culture."

"I do. I think they have really figured life out, and they know how to live. I found that out in my search for happiness. For years I had thought that the monks had the answer, but what they reach isn´t happiness, but nothingness. And that brings you peace of mind. After spending a year and a half living with monks, out of society, I came to realize that. Does that make sense?"

"Ahm... nothingness bringing peace of mind? I don´t know, I think you lost me," Monica said, feeling stupid.

"It took me a year to understand, so don´t expect to understand it in five seconds. My point is, that was not what I was after yet, and for a while I did not know where else to look."

"Wow, you have been traveling a lot."

"I was desperate."

"But you have been to Tibet; how cool is that?"

"It was not Tibet. I have been to the Xuankong Temple at Mount Heng."

"Still pretty cool!" she said with a smile.

"If you say so"

"I guess that's the famous, 'Live fast and die young.'"

"No, my life is more like, 'Live intense, then die young.' Even though I wish I could die young, the real meaning behind living fast is no good. I would rather live an intense life. In one year I do so much, and I go through so much."

"That sounds tempting. Could you take me with you on your next adventure? Do you have a place for an ugly duckling in your adventure?"

She smiled shyly, not sure she should have said that.

"There is no adventure; there is only life. And you're participating in it already."

His smile grew and glowed.

"By the way, there is only space for a pretty duckling, so you're good," he added, followed by a wink and a smile.

Blushing, she changed the subject.

"Why is your tattoo in Castilian, again?"

"I got it back in Buenos Aires, during this search."

"'What you do, you´ll pay for it'...It does not sound very positive, though."

"It isn´t. I got it after I had already started what I do. I've realized that I´ll pay back for all the lives I take."

"I thought that you think what you do is not bad..."

"I do think that, but I also do know that I´m breaking life´s rules. Life isn´t happy with it, and it´s gonna come for me, to make me pay for it."

"That sounds scary. I don´t like that."

"I just wish there was someone who could do for me what I do for others. I think I´m gonna have a horrible end, and that´s another reason why I must be always alone, 'cause I don´t have the right to drag anyone into my punishment."

"Another reason? What is the first reason?"

The Big Plan

"It was a while ago. I was still fighting my depression with medication and therapy, but I was obviously not winning the fight. I could see myself slowly drowning, although I was doing all I could. But things started to change once I met this girl.

"She was messed up in the head as well, and that actually kind of brought us together. I don´t know if was a good relationship, 'cause we were doing a lot of stupid things together. You know how much nonsense you do when you´re desperately depressed? But even though they were stupid, painful and dangerous things, it all kept me alive, somehow. And we were in it together. So I stayed.

"Our problems and loneliness made us attached to each other so strongly; we built a very deep relationship, even more than a relationship. It was awesome and perfect; it made me wanna keep trying, even without hope. I would die for her and I trusted her with my life, 'cause she did the same. Of course we were loving each other, madly, at least I thought that, until this one night. I went to her place late at night. For some reason she was drunk or on some drug, and everything in the apartment looked and smelled exactly as if she had just had sex. So I asked her if she had seen someone, and she denied it. I went to use the bathroom, and when I was finished, I came out and saw her hiding a used condom and a pair of someone's shoes under the bed.

"What we had was so strong that I just could not believe it. It had to be something else, it could not be true. I knew her well; deep inside, we had something invaluable, and I could not believe it. But I had to, because it was happening. I asked her if she had been drinking alone. She suddenly screamed a brief scream and before I could understand the reason, I feel something in my back. A guy had come out of her closet and stabbed me from behind.

"I fell on my knees, completely confused and feeling a bit dizzy. I saw the guy grab his shoes and I could tell that he was on something as well. She looked at me, choked; the guy still kissed her in the mouth before he left. And she returned the kiss.

"'I thought we promised to take care of each other' I said.

"'I was taking care of you, but you were not supposed to see that.'

"With my hand I pressed against the sore and, with great difficulty, got up and walked away, while she watched me go. It took me a bit to make it into the front door, and on the way, she kept repeating that it was all my fault. And that was the last time we saw each other. Since then, I always walk around feeling like the biggest idiot on Earth.

"I´m sorry about your story. It´s really bad."

"But she was right, it was all my fault. Why should I have trusted her in my heart? We´re humans; we make mistakes all the time. There is only one way to keeping myself from getting hurt like that..."

Josh took a short break from his narrative. You could hear through his voice that the subject was still immensely hurtful inside.

"It was stupid of me to think that I would be happy. Life just gave me a bit of joy so that the next disappointment would hurt even worse."

"Do you really believe that?"

"Of course. In fact, I also believe that this is also some sort of payment. Life gives me what I deserve, for all the monstrosities the beast I carry has done."

"Beast!?"

"Yeah, this shit inside me that makes me so stupid, mean and depressed. It's like a monster taking over my body."

"I have seen some interior beauty in you. There ain't no monster."

"So you haven't seen deep enough."

"Or I have seen so deeply that I could see what's inside the monsters inside you."

Josh walked away, sick of all of the crap. He didn't want to listen to it anymore. It's was all bullshit, and he didn't believe it. But then, Monica put herself in front of him.

"And there I saw the real you, and it's gorgeous. And I say that looking right into his eyes, from very close. I'm good at it, trust me."

She sounded so convincing that she had gotten him to think for a moment, although he wasn't willing to admit it. Or he had been so assured of the opposite that he just couldn't believe anything else that easily.

"Okay, I think we're done for the day. I'll contact you again soon."

*********************************

Takeshi knew that the criminal, who he now referred to as Josh, was about to put his big plan into practice. It was such a dangerous move that Takeshi started to be afraid that Josh wouldn't be able to make it. Strangely, Takeshi seemed to be starting to care about Josh, and even wondering if he should interfere in his plan in order to save him. What's with the Pain Killer that people seem to get so attached to him?

*********************************

Josh received another text message.

Hey Josh, are you awake?

Yeah.

Can I ask you something?

Go ahead.

Are all your victims ugly? Also, do you believe in love at first sight?

I don't believe in love at all. But why are you asking? What a random question.

I was wondering...actually, I just can't sleep and wanted someone to talk to.

But I guess I'm better counting sheep.

*********************************

Police could never interrogate anyone about the Pain Killer, as there had never been a witness to interrogate. No one had survived. But they suddenly found out about a person the criminal had known. In fact, someone he had been intimate with. It was an easy person to find and a famous person. It was an American singer who was two or three years older than the serial killer.

At first, police thought that she wasn't going to be of much help, but any help is some help. His phone number had been changed so there was no possibility of contact. However, police were able to get a really good description of the suspect and some of his belongings, from which they could retrieve DNA samples. For law enforcement working on the case, it was like Christmas!

*********************************

Monica heard little stones being thrown against a window. She walked towards the window to see if it was a young man calling the woman he loved, or a husband making a surprise for his wife. As she got close to the window, she realized that the stones were hitting her window. She opened the window and it was Josh. For a second, she wished he would say "sorry, I could not go through the night without kissing you." But no, Josh would never do that. He whistled and called her with his hand. She was only wearing underwear, but hurrying, Monica grabbed the first thing she saw, a huge wool cardigan.

When she left the building, Josh seemed amazed. How much sex appeal! He looked at her from head to toe, with a seductive look. When their eyes saw one another, they kept looking at each other, quietly, playing a game. Until...Monica suddenly became shy and turned her eyes to another direction. Josh had won. It was a game Josh liked to play. It showed who was the stronger one in the relationship, and who was the kinder one. Monica had lost, which made him the kind one. Not that losing meant being inferior. The one who loses is not a loser, they are actually submissive by nature, in a relationship. And that´s how they get to complete the other. They walked together and Josh wanted to start a conversation.

"It was nice of you to come right away. Most people make me wait a lot."

"Thank you."

"I just wanted to let you know."

"Thank you," she said with a smile, feeling shy. "So, what did you call me for?

"Well, I needed to get to know you, so it is better than going through your garbage if we just spend more time together."

Ahah! That´s just an excuse to spend time with me isn´t it? she thought. Should she say it out loud? Well, it was too late, anyway.

"I have something really important to do tomorrow, but tonight, there is a nice street that I found the other day. I want to show it to you."

"What is it that you´re doing tomorrow?"

"It´s a plan I have had for a while, and tomorrow I´m finally making it happen. I can´t tell you much, just wish me luck."

"Sure. And where is this street we´re going? I can´t go dressed like this..."

"Don´t worry, it´s really right around the corner and no one will see us."

She trusted him.

They arrived to a narrow and dark, but charming street. The ground was made out of a mix of small stones. Granite, marble, slate, and others. Both walls, left and right, were completely filled with beautiful graphite telling love stories About a half meter above their heads, there was a roof in an arc shape made out of plants that had grown through a net, with little lights softly illuminating the way. They walked through this magical tunnel and, as it was narrow, they got really close to each other. Their bodies touched each other here and there, she smelled his cologne, and all Monica wanted to do was to hold his hand while they walked. She looked at him, beautiful under that light.

The way led them into an open hall, a type of balcony, built in the same charming style as the corridor. From there, it was possible to hear a surrounding song, and to see a lot of the city, including the Eiffel Tower.

"Wow, how could I have lived here for years and never found this place!?"

"I like to think that every time a new person becomes part of your life in any way, life changes. It could be a very subtle change, or a drastic change. Either way, you start to see life differently, to see things from different perspectives, and to notice things that were until then invisible."

"It´s a nice way of thinking."

"But there is actually one more thing that I wanted to show you."

"What is it?"

He held her hand and brought her to the parapet of the balcony. Right under them was a bar, and that was where the music was coming from. There were lots of people drinking, talking, dancing, and having a good time.

"I like to watch people sometimes and try to guess who they are, what they are doing. That couple for example, they look nervous, it is probably a first date."

She then saw more than just a couple dancing, but she now saw the body language, and saw what he was talking about.

"I see it. What about them?"

She pointed to another young couple.

"I think they feel very comfortable next to each other, as if he´s checking his teeth right in front of her. You don´t do that on a first date, right? They have probably been together for a while."

"That´s fun," she said with a smile, and he looked at her for a second.

"You have a very beautiful smile, did you know that?"

She blushed.

"Oh, I love this song! It´s a good song, the crowd gets excited and more people get up and get on the dance floor. Oh, I wish I could dance it too."

"We can go there and dance if you want."

"No, not dressed like this," she said, sadly.

"Well, in this case, we can dance right here, only the two of us."

She took a breath, as if she was about to say something, but no words came out of her mouth. Josh grabbed her hands."

"Come on, the song won´t last long!"

They started dancing. The song was "Midnight City" by M83. They started with small, shy steps, slowly getting closer to each other until they were completely interlaced by the apex of the song, feeling each others' body, smell, warmth and breath. He led the dance and she led being taken. Monica felt such great enjoyment, a glow inside that she had never felt before. During those few minutes, everything, inside and outside of her, was perfect. Each element of that night, the place, the song, the weather, the dance, matched so precisely that it created a rare phenomenon, transporting them to a divine dimension with no time, no barriers; only pure pleasure.

Later that evening, Josh received another text.

Thank you for the awesome night, Josh!

Thank YOU for the awesome night.

I had a lot of fun!

I´m glad.

Seriously, I had a really good time.

That´s what I like about Paris, we never know how a Parisian night will turn out. In a random night, just like every other night, you leave your apartment, having no idea you´re about to have the best night of your life.

So, was that what happened to us tonight?

Josh took a while to answer before sending one more text message.

Are you really sure you want it?

Suddenly, after feeling excited and happy, Monica got an internal sense of cold and fear. She knew that it was the question she had waited for throughout the four weeks she had known him. She wasn't sure that she wanted it, anymore. At the same time, she was afraid that is she said "no" that she would never get to see him again. Only then did she realize that she really had feelings for him, and strong feelings. She wondered if he was hoping that she would say no so that they could be together. Maybe the good time meant nothing for Josh, but he was only trying to get her to change her mind about the final solution.

She took a while to answer, and he let her take her time. Her eyes turned watery as she typed her answer.

Josh was inside his trailer, staring at his phone, sinking into his thoughts. The night had come, and with it, the darkness.

The phone fell from his hand without him noticing it. Josh wondered why is was so simple, yet so difficult, to feel happy. What was happiness, after all? It was just electric impulses in our brain, wasn't it? In reality, happiness did not exist, at least for Josh. Maybe some people, including himself, were just cursed.

There was so much out there still to be discovered. Maybe there is something about feelings that we haven´t found out yet. What if happiness is a sort of generic gene, encrypted into our DNA? Or something in our hippocampus that we don´t know yet?

Josh's big plan was getting closer to reality. It would be the date when he would try his final plan to get rid of his depression for real. No bullshit therapies and meds that only teach you how to survive through a mediocre life with this ghost haunting you forever.

He grabbed his computer and few brochures that he had been studying and searches he had been doing and collecting during the last year, all over the cities with the biggest scientific resources. He had to go through them again. It seemed like all of the data matched and there was nothing else to implement. All of the information was updated, and from reliable sources. It was time for the next step, and it would take place tonight. Operation, hemodialysis.

He was wearing all black, with his head covered. It was late at night, past 3 a.m. Josh parked his recently stolen motorcycle and stood behind a huge beige and red building. The area was wooded, which made the streets darker. Waiting for the right moment, he jumped over the building's wall. He knew he was being filmed, so he had to do it quickly, even though no one would be able to recognize him in the videos.

He had access to the side of the building. It was the American Hospital of Paris. Josh climbed for a few floors, through the outside of the building, where there was a wall filled with square windows, making it very difficult to climb. He finally broke through one of the windows. According to his map, there was a dialyzer right where it should be.

Josh saw himself in this hospital room. The lights were low and the person seemed to be sleeping. It was a fancy room, so the patient must be rich. Josh walked around until he found the machine. It was attached to the guy lying on the stretcher.

Shit!

As soon as he unplugged it from the patient, surely an alarm or siren would play. Josh didn't have much time. He grabbed the tubes, ready to disconnect them all at once, when he saw a picture of the patient with his daughters on his bedside table. Josh hesitated for a moment.

Come on Josh, there is no time to feel guilty, just do it.

And so he did. A beep started instantly and he hurried, putting everything in his backpack and moving closer to the window. Josh was in the middle of climbing down when he saw the light in the room go on. It made him nervous. He realized that he had forgotten the about the window and had left it half open. He suddenly lost his step and fell the rest of the way down, about three meters.

It hurt, but there was no time for pain. Josh got up quickly and hid in the darkness behind a bush. A nurse stuck her head out of the window and looked around. Two or three other people seemed to have seen Josh climbing and were talking to each other about having seen someone. They suddenly noticed that the machine was missing and began to alert security.

Josh checked the equipment to see if it had suffered any damage. It all looked fine. He hurried off of the hospital's property and went the fuck home.

Back in his trailer, Josh got rid of his clothing and motorcycle. It looked like everything had worked out fine, and that no one had followed him. However, while preparing the machine, he noticed that he was still shaking. Everything was set, and now, with the dialyzer, Josh could clean his blood.

There are five types of microRNA that run in human blood, and when they appear in a certain amount, they cause depression. There are therapy and medications to fight it, but this generic disorder can make it almost impossible to become permanently cured from depression. It can even be passed from father to child.

There was a chance that this had been Josh´s case, as he had been doing all he could to survive and fight his depression. He had to consider the possibility of having these excesses of microRNA. Therefore, he had to try his hemodialysis plan. It was dangerous, but necessary.

Josh would use the dialyzer machine to try to "clean" his blood completely from those erroneous amounts of microRNA, to have a second chance of having normal blood running through his body. It was an extremely risky and uncertain theory and plan, but he had to try it. This was his last chance to beat depression. If this did not work, god knows what would become of him.

The day started and Josh was still connected to the dialyzer. He was lying in his bed, with plenty of water and food next to him. He got up when he heard some noise outside. He felt weak and dizzy, but still stretched out his body to take a look through the window and see what was happening outside. In that moment, he became even more pale than he already was. Two cops were walking around the trailer, examining the area, checking, and looking at his trailer.

Josh was in huge trouble. Police had never been so close to catching him as they were now. He was weak and incapable of doing anything about the situation. He could hardly move, how would he get out of this situation?

One of the police tried to see through the window, but they were all covered with reflectors and foam. The other one knocked on the door. Josh was so close to the possibility of finally getting his second chance at life without depression. He couldn't be caught now, not now. No plan in particular crossed his mind. He didn't want to involve Monica, but he had no choice.

He sent her an urgent text message.

I need your help. My place, now! Bring your gun.

Josh was waiting for Monica or some miracle to save him, as he couldn't even get out of bed to do something about the situation. He heard one of them going on the roof of the trailer, trying to find some window or anything that could give them access to the inside. The other policeman seemed to be checking on the bottom.

"Alright, it´s locked everywhere. Should we break in?" a police officer asked.

Josh became even more nervous, so nervous that it started to interfere with the machine. The dialyzer started to beep, indicating that the patient may need attention. The two guys outside the trailer suddenly became quiet, listening.

Josh tried few things before he managed to stop the machine from beeping. He, also quiet, tried to hear anything at all from outside. After a moment of tension from both sides, the police received a call on their radios. The call was also played on Josh´s radio.

Shit!

"Did you hear that?" asked the police officer. "That was a police radio inside of the trailer." Josh needed to turn off his radio, but it was located in the other side of the trailer. He got up and almost fell down, a bit dizzy. He recovered his balance and walked towards the radio, supporting himself on the wall, as it was still difficult to balance.

"Turn down your radio. Let me see if it´s really coming from inside the trailer."

Josh fell on his knees. He wouldn't make it on time. He stretched out his arm to unplug the cable from the wall. When he was about five centimeters close to the cable, he got stopped by the tubes from the machine, which were busy exchanging his blood. They were tight and couldn't be pulled any further without breaking.

"Units in the area, please confirm. Are any units in the area?"

The two police officers were silent. The person speaking into the radio took a break as well, waiting for an answer. Josh had about two seconds to make a decision and execute it.

Not thinking much, he snapped the tubes and unplugged the radio.

"Units in the area, please confirm. Are there any units in the area?"

The occurrence was about a block away, so the two policemen had to answer the call, as there was not really any evidence so far in the trailer. Josh waited while the policemen answered the radio, informing them that they were on the way. They took off and Josh dragged himself back a meter and tried to plug the tubes back. He had lost a dangerous amount of blood and was getting dizzier. The cables were on the floor, and had gotten contaminated. He was so dizzy that he didn't make it to plug back the tubes, and end up fainting in his own blood.

The Ruined Night

Josh woke up to the sound of the engine of his trailer getting started. He was back in his bed and Monica was looking at him, very worried. She felt very relieved once she could see that he had woken up. Josh was pale and was having a difficult time talking. He noticed that there was another person driving the trailer.

"She´s my friend. You can trust her."

With difficulty, he responded.

"How...how did you..."

"I saw cops around your trailer, so I called 112 saying there were a problem a block away from here so that the cops would be requested and leave you alone for now.

"Thank...thank you."

"Thank you for texting me. I´m so relieved that you´re okay."

She patted his face while she was saying it. That's when she realized that she was showing a lot of affection, so she held herself back.

"We gotta drive away from here, though."

Josh looked around himself. He was back on the hemodialysis machine with some donated blood and serum next to him.

"My friend is a nurse. She helped me with you."

While they were traveling, the radio suddenly went on with a police report. It was also said in police code, but Josh knew police code. The report was from a guy who tried to rob someone's home but got stuck inside the home and called the firefighters to rescue him. It sounded funny, but only the ones who knew the codes would have understood it, and that was when something suspicious was brought to Josh´s attention. The woman driving his trailer laughed briefly and turned the radio off, as if familiar with the equipment.

Monica noticed that Josh had suddenly become agitated.

"What´s wrong?"

"Are you sure you can trust this friend?" asked Josh, speaking with great difficulty and little breath.

"Well, she's more like a colleague from my last job, but we shared an apartment. I trust her and I don't think she would go to the police. Don't worry."

"Did you bring your gun like I asked you to?"

She nodded.

"Can I have it for a moment?"

She found his request strange, but gave it to him. Josh checked that the weapon was loaded and ready to shoot, then pointed it toward the woman who was driving.

"Hey, you, thank you for your help, but I'll have to ask you to leave now."

"Josh, what are you doing?"

Monica was nervous. The friend just pulled over as soon as possible, and with her hands up, she slowly left the trailer.

"Bonne façon de vous dire merci," said the woman, with a bit of anger in her tone.

"Can you drive us away from here?" Josh asked, sounding ill.

His arm fell on the bed again, as if he was out of energy. Monica did not like the way he had treated her friend, but all she could think about was keeping him away from worry and stress so that he could recover safely. She drove around for about an hour and parked in another gas station in the suburbs of Paris.

"Can you tell me why you're doing this? What happened? Are you sick?"

Monica looked and sounded worried.

"It's just something I'm trying out."

"Something really dangerous. Are you gonna tell me what exactly it is that you're trying?"

"I read a couple of years ago about some depression effects being transferred from father to son. They say depression says in your blood for the rest of your life."

"I see what you're doing."

Monica looked to the other side and blinked her watery eyes, trying her best not to cry.

"You could have died you know," she said with a trembling voice.

Josh was not used to having anyone worry about him. He was always making decisions that would result in no one having to miss him. This time, for the first time in a long time, it seemed as though someone would miss him.

"I'm sorry. I've been working on this idea for a very long time and I had to try it."

"Is it working? Do you feel better?"

"I´m not sure. But if this doesn't work, I've got no more resorts."

Monica did not seem to agree.

"I know you have had really bad experiences, but you should give love another chance. Love can cure you. You've just got to trust it. It won´t disappoint you."

They exchanged looks for a moment. This time it did not feel awkward, and it was more like a romantic silence.

"I was thinking...what if your client is really depressed but doesn't want to die anymore because of someone new. Would you terminate your plan?"

"Life let you get up, so it hurts more once it drops you again. So the client shouldn't be fooled by life."

Monica remained quiet, but she seemed a bit nervous or scared. She was afraid of losing something, or someone.

The next morning, Monica had to leave, as Josh was insisting on it. He had finished his treatment late that same day. Still feeling weak, he decided to check around the trailer for any tracking devices. Driving away from there afterwards, he installed some antennas, changed the wheel flanges, and painted his trailer. He was trying to look different enough so that those two policemen wouldn't be able to recognize it. He was concerned, and knew it was time to get out of France. It might be time to speed up his plans.

They met once more, this time at the docks, in the late evening, for dinner. They were both nicely dressed; she especially was dressed to kill. The restaurant was on the roof of the docks in a place with a beautiful view of the Parisian night. Josh looked at Monica and mumbled something quietly.

"An angel disguised as a human. Gorgeous!"

"What was that?"

"Stunning!"

Monica blushed.

"I wish!"

Josh believed that she was beautiful, but she didn't see it. She turned her head down, shyly. He gently touched her chin, raised his head back up, and looked into her eyes.

"We only wish for things which we are not."

He enjoyed seeing her shy. There were many beauties in her. Every feeling she showed had a different face, all of them beautiful. They were having quite a nice drink and the food was still yet to come. Sitting at one of the best tables in the restaurant, they had a beautiful view, but Josh couldn't stop looking at her. The way her hair moved with the wind, and her eyes were shaped so perfectly. He read her words while admiring her lips.

"You have a freckle on your neck. Did you know that?"

His comment was very unexpected and nice. Monica blushed right away. Of course, it meant that he had been discreetly checking her out. He was sexy and incredibly endearing at the same time.

"How are you feeling after the hemodialysis? Are you happy now?"

"I don´t know yet if it´s working, but I have to say, the hours per day feeling bad has reduced a lot lately. But I can´t tell exactly when it started."

"That´s awesome!"

"Yeah. It used to be one or two okay hours per month, with almost 170 bad hours per week."

Josh was not as happy about it as she was. He was always suspicious of life and never too excited about anything, as if he was waiting for something bad to ruin it, like it always did.

"Now it´s much better. In fact, I want to thank you. I believe you had a big part in it."

Monica couldn't hide her happiness; her face was glowing and she was emanating joy.

"If there is really such a thing as happiness, I guess you helped me get to taste a little bit of it."

"What is happiness for you, Josh?"

"Electric impulses in our brain"

She did not respond, but instead just gave him a blank look, waiting for a real answer.

"Okay...happiness is when everything, inside and outside of you, is alright."

Monica loved his answer, as she had recently experienced and felt exactly what he was describing.

"You mean like that night when we danced?"

He didn't say anything, but he saw that they both recognized the significance of that night. He smiled with one side of his mouth. He wouldn't say a word, as he had not celebrated or admitted happiness in years. He knew that as soon as he did, it would be gone, so he kept a low happiness profile. It was life's law.

The food arrived and they both became less talkative. It must have tasted good.

"I saw that they have a club here; we could go check it out if you like."

Josh became serious and declined the invitation.

"Did I step on your foot last time?" Monica asked, wanting to know the reason for his refusal.

"How old are you, Monica?" She did not understand where he wanted to go with that question, but decided to answer anyway.

"I´m 21."

"Oh, you carry yourself with much more maturity than that!"

Josh was genuinely surprised. Monica felt complemented.

"You see, I´m 30 years old," Josh said. "I've lost the time of my life fighting this thing. Now it is just too late for me to enjoy life."

"What does that mean? Why can´t you still enjoy your life?"

"I´m 30, and things are changing. My body, people, joy, everything is different. Just like your life was different when you were 10. I can´t explain. It´s just too late."

Monica wanted to help, but in the moment, only a time machine could help. Even if Josh were to go ahead and do things he had always wanted to do, not all would be possible, as many dreams are dreamed in a specific age. If done much later or earlier on time, it would not have the same effect. Maybe not even a good effect.

"So you go ahead and enjoy the time of your life."

"I´m paying you to kill me, do I look like I´m in the time of my life?"

"I can´t go to clubs without having horrible flashbacks. I can´t listen to the radio without been extremely uncomfortable every time a new song is about to start. In fact, I pretty much can´t listen to music at all. It´s frightening to me. Can´t even watch movies without being tense and shaky...I can´t enjoy things. That´s how I am; don´t try to understand me. There is nothing that can be done. I´m messed up."

Josh remained quiet for a moment. He had tried for 15 years; he saw things that she couldn't yet. She had found something inside that made her believe that everything would be possible for them both.

"I´m sorry for ruining dinner. That´s what I do. I ruin things."

"The only thing I´m sorry for is that your mood has been ruined."

Monica felt sorry that she had not been able to help him and felt badly that one of his rare good moments had so fleetingly faded.

Josh went home that night feeling really down. Monica was afraid of what he could do to himself, so she tried to follow him. Josh had been followed plenty of times, and he knew how to get rid of her. He did, and Monica ended up lost in some suburban street.

Drinking alone in his trailer, Josh put his health in danger again, as he was still recovering from the hemodialysis. He wanted to take a couple of pills to sleep, and ended up taking way too many. He wanted to sleep through the rest of his life and skip all the suffering and pain, but in the game of life you can´t cheat. Josh was spending his life waiting for the day that he would die.

He looked at himself in the mirror.

What a piece of shit. Just an errant wandering around the world, destroying everything he touched.

In between anger and agony, Josh tossed his head lightly against the mirror. Dizzy from the mix of alcohol and sleeping pills, he fell down and hit his head again. He wanted to cry, but the tears would not come.

With difficulty, he sat up and touched his head. It hurt badly and it was bleeding quite a lot. Josh dipped his finger in blood and wrote something on the floor."Todo al fin se sucedió. Sólo que el tiempo no los esperó." After that, he fell down again, this time on his face, and passed out.

Monica was driving on the highway. Her GPS indicated that she was in Versailles, where she was supposed to meet Josh this time. She was about 40 minutes away from Paris. It would be better to avoid showing his face in Paris. A small city in the surrounding suburbs would be safer. The place looked charming, but it was pouring rain, not the best of weather for sightseeing. Maybe it was better this way, and safer for Josh. Suddenly, she stopped at a traffic light. Josh opened her car door and got in, and she screamed with fear in the moment of the surprise.

"Oh my god, you almost killed me!"

"Sorry about that. I just thought it would be safer for you not to have precise information about my location on your phone."

Josh had been more careful lately, and Monica mentioned it.

"I have not followed my own safety rules for a while. However, things just got a bit ugly, so I gotta watch out."

He kept his hood on; he looked good in it. He looked happy to see her, even though he wasn´t smiling. That warmed Monica inside.

"Why have you not been following your own rules?"

For a moment, Josh thought about it for the first time.

"I guess I have been having too much fun."

Right after saying, he regretted that he had said the word "fun."

"Do you know another way you have changed lately? You are thinking and remembering more good memories than bad memories. That´s a big step."

Josh did not want to agree, but he knew that she was right. Was it a result of his blood treatment?

Cars behind them started to honk. There was a green light. She started driving and Josh noticed that she had the radio on. He wouldn't turn it off himself, because it was not his car and that would be impolite. But it was clear that it was disturbing him.

Right when Josh was about to ask Monica to turn the radio off, she began telling a story. It would be rude to interrupt, right? So he didn't, although the jitters were quickly and painfully possessing his body like a school of piranhas attacking their prey. Josh´s resistance time was finishing, and he was losing it. He felt that cold hand squeezing his larynx again, making it painful to breathe. His heart rate accelerated and soon he was going to start shaking and sweating. The feeling was so agonizing and disturbing that he closed his eyes and ears for a second, but soon realized that that would also be impolite and weird. Josh had a nightmarish feeling of not being able to concentrate on what was around him anymore. The shaking was starting. He moved his hand towards the radio´s button, but stopped himself few centimeters away from it.

You can´t do that without asking her, this isn´t your car Josh. You don´t have to be rude to people just because of your stupid traumas you junk!

"Josh!"

She turned off the radio and sounded like she had been calling his name for a while.

"Are you okay?"

As though he was waking up from a horrible nightmare, Josh came back to himself. In a second, he felt like a completely stupid freak. When you are stabbed multiple times, even if the knives are removed, you still have a hell of a lot of pain, and Josh was experiencing it, although trying his best to hide it.

"Are you okay?" she asked again, with tension rising in her voice.

He did not even answer with words, but instead just nodded. They didn't really have a destination. Josh kept her driving for a bit, to make sure they weren´t being followed. Once it was clear they were safe, he told her to park somewhere at the Château de Versailles park. It was a nice place, even on a rainy day. Monica could tell that Josh was still not being his usual self.

"Why are you so quiet?"

He took a while to answer. Monica was not even sure anymore if he would answer.

"I... Would you mind if I leave now?"

"What!? Why?"

"I know you just arrived, but I want to go. I want to be alone."

He put his hand on the door handle.

"Wait a minute, please. Is it because of the radio?"

Before he had the chance to answer, she get a call on her cellphone. He wouldn't answer the question and the phone kept ringing, so she answered it.

"Shit!" she said, shortly after hanging up.

"What´s wrong?"

"A colleague of mine is at the hospital and he gave them my number as the only person he knows here."

"Are you the only person your colleague has here?"

"I´m afraid so."

"Then you gotta go."

"I´m not leaving you alone like that."

"I´ll be alright. You gotta go."

"No. You´re coming with me."

"Monica, you need to understand that I´m a fucking creep, and I´ll never change. I can´t. So don´t try to change me, or save me, or even understand me. Nothing in my head makes sense. Stop trying, I´m a lost case."

Saying that, he opened the door and got out, even though she was begging him to stay. It was still raining cats and dogs, but he did not care. As he left, she remained in the car, watching, thinking what to do, sad, nervous, and tearful.

*********************************

The police had all of the information they needed to take Josh to jail. With the covered police officer's evidence, Josh had no chance of getting away. The Pain Killer would face a mandatory minimum sentence of 35 years in jail per victim, with a maximum sentence of life in prison.

The Romeo and Juliet Ending

Monica needed to make sure that Josh was alright. She had not heard from him for a while and she was starting to worry, as last time they talked he had left, feeling really down. She decided to try and find him. She knew how his trailer looked and she knew the places he used to park.

Having found his trailer, she checked if he was home. On the door, a paper said, "welcome, where the fun ain't invited." She knocked on the door and there was no answer. She insisted, and tried calling his name. There was nothing. Now she was even more worried. She looked through the windows, but they were covered. She tried the door and surprisingly, it was unlocked. Monica entered the messy trailer, being careful not to step on anything on the way. She looked around and saw a large chest full of cash. Mostly euro bills. On the floor there were documents, a couple of different passports. She removed some documents and papers with her foot, and saw something written on the floor, with dry blood. "Todo al fin se sucedió. Sólo que el tiempo no los esperó." In the pile of documents she found a couple of folders with a lot of information from few people. They were all very up-to-date. On the table, she found a diary and went through a couple of pages. Here is what she read:

"Have you ever met someone who has never felt or experienced happiness? If happiness is couple of electric impulses in our brain, isn't it possible that someone has a lack of production of those electric impulses? Isn't it possible?

I'm drinking something hidden by a paper bag. It´s only 10:15 a.m., but who says there has to be specific times to drink? Those who say that are the same people who say that life has a purpose, that you can get anything you want, that life is beautiful. Fuck these people, you can't say such things if you haven't been to the other side. If you have been to the other side, you don´t say those things, not if you really mean it. No one who has made through depression (if it is really possible) is actually happy. They all live mediocre lives, telling themselves they're satisfied with, convinced by a psychologist, and programmed by medications. Some things are just too bad for a human to go through without trauma, and so is depression.

They say it´s not you, it´s the depression, but if such thing takes total control over your body and stays like that for ten years, that shit becomes who you are. Whatever that thing does, people around you will think it was you. Whatever that thing feels, you will feel. So that thing is you. They say it´s the depression, it´s the monster of depression. But what no one can see is that that fucking monster is actually me, and me only. The real me, that repulsive and abominable me.

No one cares. They tell you not to kill yourself, because that's what they're taught to say. No one really thinks about it, about whether it makes any sense to keep going, they just do what they were programed to say. Besides, no matter what they say, at the end of the day, you´re still on your own. No one will take your pains for you.

The more I live, the more I see how rotten life is. How selfish people are. Do you really believe in this thing called love? This feeling that makes you do good to another, just because deep inside this has all been done to keep this person around you. After all, you´re doing for yourself. We're all alone, and once you see it, you can never be happy again.

Everybody around is laughing, making it through life. I know half of them are problematic as well. But what have they got that I don't? Why does it have to be so different for me? What happened to that beautiful thing called life, that I used to have as a kid? You grow up and become able to see that there was never beauty in life, but cheating, pain, loss, inferiority, humiliation, and endless battles...

Everybody has to fit to the system. And that makes me think of those games for kids, where you have to fit the shapes into the right shape. I have this eternal feeling of been a triangle, trying to fit into a circle. Painful and pointless. The triangle just won´t ever fit in a circle. Just as I will never fit in life. And people will tell me to keep trying, because that's what they´re thought to say. But after trying for half of my life, I´m exhausted and don't want to spend the rest of it trying something, just because people are telling me too. The same people that won't ever carry my pain, my monsters.

Why are we trying to keep peoples' lives so badly? So many out there do not want to live. We are spending lots of money on therapy and medication to keep alive people who just want to rest in peace for a change. But that is what it's about, money. Lots of money. That's the only reason why all this effort is been done to keep alive the one who don't want to be alive. To take their money, while they survive, instead of living.

I look around, and I realize that I'm invisible. Literally invisible. Sometimes people would look at me, but they would still not see me, as if I've never been there. I feel my entire life passing, and I feel like once I´m gone, it will be as if I have never been on the face of the Earth. Nothing done, no one captivated, no good memories, no one to miss or be missed by.

No matter where I go, I'm always living in a dark and cold winter. Abandoned, forgotten, invisible.

I can't even have fun, because of things I've been through. Wounds I've gained. My mom used to say that the one who punches forgets, but the punched never forget. I never understood that. But now it's so clear. People who have hurt me are now living their lives, fine, having fun, and I'm the one deprived of doing things I used to like, because of the wounds these people opened up in me. They're all driving their cars, listening to the radio, watching movies, going out... And I'm home, detained, severely injured, unable to have normal fun like all others, trying to drink and sleep my life away. Trying to wake up from this nightmare. What if to wake up, it's necessary to kill yourself? What if I´m a second away from ending all this pain? No one knows what actually happens after this. Why would they stop me from doing it, when they have no idea where I'm going? Why? Why stop me from trying to go somewhere better? Yes, it might be worse after life, but is it worse, really worse, when you at least got to feel something at all?

I'm gonna keep drinking. Keep this gun on my temple, waiting for this second of straight when I'll finally pull the trigger. While most people are drinking to have a good time, I´m drinking to forget my life.

What a shitty life to live, when even simple words can trigger tremors and fear, cause nervousness, phobia and deep distress. One day doing fine can be instantly ruined just by a word, or a scene. And the worse part is, they're everywhere. I see and hear them fifty times a day. They are always there, haunting me. The ones who caused it are out there, free, as a murderer walking around free, unpunished. How much of an innocent man am I? I'm sure I've hurt many others, and am sure I am receiving all that I deserve. Why does it feel like I'm the only feeling pain as my penalty, while the others get away with their cruelties? Add that to one of the thousands of other questions with no answer. I believe it's just life, it's unfair, and that's actually why it's fair, because it's unfair to everybody. I know it feels more unfair to me than to others. It might feel like that to many. Maybe because it is like that. Humans created starters of fairness and justice, but life has no such standards. Life just does what it wants to do. And it can be really evil.

I can't trust anyone. I can't open myself to anyone. I can't because I'm alone, and I shouldn't trust anyone. Because today I trust someone, and tomorrow I'll be stabbed on my back by the same person.

My entire life is a fight for peace. So don't judge me, let me drink, because you in my skin, would be doing the same or even worse. Only I know what I'm suffering.

Is it justice that I'm paying for the times I've hurt someone? It wasn't me, it was the monster. But there aren't such things as monsters, but my real me. So, yes, at the end, it was all my fault and I'm paying for it. Even when others had hurt me, it was all on me. And how shitty to realize that most of the pain in your life was your fault. You can't even get mad at yourself. Welcome to my life.

I´m doing everything I can, but it's far from enough. I'm sinking and it's just matter of time until I'm anonymously gone, ignored, punished, unloved.

Please, let me die, please, take me away from this. I´m not from here. I never was, and I never will be. I'm just spending my life trying to fit into a place where I'm not meant to be. Other people might have purpose in their lives, but mine is just to wait for the trespassing moment. Only then and then only, can I can see myself smiling. It doesn't matter how the end comes, I just wish it would come soon. I can't stand one second more out here.

That's why I´m away from my family and everyone and everything I know, because then they can't be disappointed anymore, as they don't know what I've been doing. They believe what I tell them. But with time and the distance, it got so hard to keep contact. Family loses interest. You only remember what you see, you know? Now, I´m only that relative that lives abroad and no one talks to, no one knows about, and no one cares about. We spend such a long time without talking that I could be dead for a year, without anyone having noticed. Dead, alone in a trailer, sitting on a pile of money, alone, forgotten, sad, alone.

What if you're so different that you're actually not able to make any friends? You're anti-social or annoying, you simply cannot make friends. You don't know why, but you just cannot. You try to be nice, try to be kind and understanding, but they still don't like you. You try to smile, and they say you have an ugly smile. You tell them a joke, and they say it isn't funny. Why do we have to have this instinct stopping us from taking our lives?

Do you really believe that there is a thing called love? Marriage? There are two types of animals on Earth. Some are like pigeons that find and stay with only one partner for their entire life. Some are like lions, that have a few different partners at the same time. Humans are in the lions group, but to keep families rich and powerful, a long time ago, humans invented marriage and the whole idea of love. So rich families would stick with rich families and maintain the power. And we bought it. So this love you think you feel, this marriage you think is so important, are all invented, it doesn't really exist. It's all made up for convenient reasons. Men are refusing their position in the lions' groups, and are wondering why they aren't happy. People tell themselves that they love and want to marry, when this is actually all just some bullshit they heard somewhere and are repeating, because that's what humans do, we copy things, because we want to fit in. To be normal, to be accepted.

There is no one out there for me. Everybody is strange. Even family, even the ones who I thought loved me.

All the time, things keep reminding me of traumas and situations that hurt me. And if you have a wound but it keeps being picked at with a knife, your wound won't ever heal. People keep telling me it will heal, but how, if it keeps being stabbed over and over again on the exactly same spot?

If I had a time machine, I wouldn't go back in time and try to fix my life. I would go back and kill me as a baby.

What am I still doing here? I'm exhausted, and I can't keep fighting. Please let me go.

I believe I have a disease that hasn't been discovered yet. I have a lack of electric impulses in the area of my brain that is supposed to feel happiness. And because of other diseases such as depression, mine hasn't been found out yet. How do you fight a disease that hasn't even been classified yet? No one thinks you're sick, everybody expects you to do as good as all the other healthy people. But I can't. It does not matter how long I've made it, even if I get to reach old age, I'm not fine, I'm not happy. If it's just about having a heartbeat in a sad body, then I'm alright."

She closed the diary, feeling bad for having read some of his private thoughts. There was a lot of pain in those pages and it had infected Monica a little bit.

On one wall there was a broken mirror, glued together again. Monica saw herself in it and did not like what she saw. There was also a target practice with a couple of small knives on it. There was a board with few photos of Monica tacked onto it. It was not the the first time she had been to Josh´s trailer. They weren't really spy picture types, they actually looked pretty artistic and beautiful. One of them said "sometimes I wish it was easy to make people see themselves the way we see them," and that one was such a good picture of Monica that even she thought she looked good in it. Monica got her cellphone and took a picture of the board.

Then, looking more through the board, she saw a little list that said, "Heridos – Muertos," and under Heridos there were lots of tracings, as if he had been counting something. She couldn't count them because there were way too many. But the Muertos side had only twelve tracings. Monika checked the meaning of those words, with a translator app on her phone. Heridos = Hurts, Muertos = Dead.

On the very bottom of the list, there was the same sentence from Josh´s tattoos "lo que hacés, lo pagarás." She understood that it was his list of victims, but what did the hurt mean? She was a bit scared. Was he hurting people? And why so many?

She jumped when Josh unexpectedly entered the trailer, pointing a gun toward her. Seeing that it was her, he calmed down and put the gun away.

"You scared the hell out of me. What are you doing here?"

"You scared the hell out of me. Since when do you carry a gun with you?"

Josh walked toward her and covered the board, hanging a pillowcase in front of it. He closed the chest and shoved the documents under the bed. He also covered some equipment on a table that Monica had not had the time to see.

"Hey don´t worry so much, I´m not a cop."

"Still, there could be information of my plan for you, and it would not be good if you see it. Please next time just wait in front of the door."

"I thought we were past this phase, but... alright. I´m sorry."

"What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you."

"What´s so urgent that can´t wait?"

"My ex-boyfriend is coming tonight to get the rest of his stuff out of my apartment. But I´m afraid he will do something bad."

"Why would he?"

"He´s an alcoholic and he´s always drunk in the evening. I´m sure he´s gonna show up shit faced. And he gets aggressive. So, I thought, maybe you could be around, so they see a man and don´t try anything stupid. You know how cowards are. I feel safe with you."

Josh thought for a moment. He really should not. It was risky and he knew it. He agreed anyway.

"I´ll be there."

Later on, Josh entered her apartment for the first time. He saw all the drawings on the wall.

"Is all that by you? And you never told me you´re an artist?"

"I´m not."

"Then from which artist did you steal these really cool drawings?"

They smiled together.

"Thanks for coming."

"That´s what friends are..."

Josh suddenly realized what he was about to say and stopped himself. Monica smiled.

"It´s just a standard sentence people say, so it came out without...I didn't mean...I mean..."

"Do you want a drink?"

"I could use a drink, yeah."

Josh contemplated her drawings again, and in between them, he saw a page ripped out of a book. He read the paragraph out loud, and after a break, they both at the same time said, "Shakespeare."

"Romeo and Juliet."

"My favorite story. The most beautiful and sad story of all times. The immortals Romeo and Juliet."

"Would you like to die like them?"

:Oh yeah! What about you, how would you like to die?"

"I don't know. Maybe saving someone."

"That´s cool."

She looked at him for a long while, as if she was looking at something impressive and attractive. She looked with pleasure. Josh stared back, until he raised one of his eyebrows seductively and Monica blushed and looked away, shyly.

"Sorry for staring," she said.

"Don´t worry. I stared back, so we´re even," said Josh, trying to ease the situation.

"You are such a nice guy."

She mumbled quietly right after stopping herself from staring again. She cleared her throat.

"So, tell me, how did your evening end that day in Versailles?"

Flashback to the evening in Versailles

Josh walked around in the rain, mourning and feeling sorry for himself.

Yo, Come on J, you know what always helps with the pain. Go get some.

He chose an empty little store and grabbed a bottle of chachaça. While counting the money to pay, he had a weird feeling. He looked at the cashier, who was looking at a paper on the wall with Josh´s face, saying "WANTED."

Shit!

Josh ran towards the door but stopped himself when he heard a gun being loaded.

"They´re offering a lot of money for you, did you know that?"

Josh turned slowly, facing a Glock pistol. Josh put his bottle in one of his jacket´s big pockets and put his hands on his head.

"No, I did not. How much are they paying?"

"Two grand."

"What if I tell you that I have more than that right here in my pocket, and it´s yours if you let me go?"

"What if I tell you that I´ll keep your money and the reward?"

"You´re smarter than I thought, but next time make sure you unlock your weapon."

With no time for thinking, Josh tossed a small knife at the neck of the cashier.

The poor guy, bleeding a ton, desperately dropped his gun and took the knife from his neck.

"By the way, it was already unlocked," said Josh, hurrying to the door.

The adrenaline and the cold rain took Josh out of his disturbing state of mind. He broke his drink bottle against a tree and went to his trailer to fill himself with sleeping pills until the end of the day.

Monica and Josh spent hours together, talking on the couch. They were, in fact, having a lot of fun together. With the radio playing quietly in the background, they had some drinks, talked about some interesting thoughts, became amazed with each other. At some point, someone knocked on the door. Josh quickly turned off the music.

"I'll get the door."

Going towards the door, Josh put one of his hands in his pocket, wearing a Knuckle that was hidden in his pocket. He keeps his hand there, and with the other hand he opened the door. To his surprise, there wasn't any drunk, but a guy holding a pizza.

"I ordered a pizza while you were in the bathroom."

Josh looked at her, a bit confused, and found it all funny at the same time.

Gamberi and rocket pizza.

"How did you know shrimp and rucula is my favorite pizza? Have you been spying me as well?" Josh asked with a smile.

"I saw a couple of boxes from the same pizza in the garbage at your place last time," Monica said proudly.

"Are you okay with that flavor?"

"I want to try your taste."

*********************************

Throughout the first weeks running the operation, the Pain Killer had been about to catch the undercover officer a few times. For safety, the squad backing up the undercover police decided to step back, in order to ruin the farce. From now on, the cover police should act alone, not even having audio contact or guards. The officer would have to collect and keep enough evidence, all alone, until the end of the operation, and only then would the information would be shared with the police. There was no time for a mistake. The officer must be fast though, because no one knew when the Pain Killer would have the intent to murder, and without backup, he might succeed.

It was late and the ex-boyfriend still did not show up. Josh became a bit more comfortable, taking off his watch, shoes and a small knife hidden in his shirtsleeve. Monica was surprised that she had never seen the knife before, and was curious about it. Holding it, Monica could feel the weight and the sharpness. Josh folded the pizza carton twice and hung it on the wall.

"Do you wanna see how it works?"

"Teach me."

"There are three main elements of the technique. How much strength you need to apply, the distance between you and the target, and the number of rotations of the weapon that are needed."

"How should I hold it?"

"For short distances like here, by the blade. That will make the knife spin only once, which is enough to stick the knife on the carton."

He positioned the knife in her hands and corrected her posture.

"Now, aim is very important. It´s not much different than with a gun, so I´m assuming you know how to do that."

"I carry a gun but have never used it. I learned how to handle it in a book, so I hope I never have to use it."

"Okay, to aim, you gotta use your dominant eye. You´ll aim only with that one, not with both. There is no need to close the other eyes, but focus your sight in the main eye only."

"Understood. And which one is my main eye?"

Josh grabbed a thin post-it block and give to her.

"Hold this in front of your eyes, with your arms straight, and then move the post-it slowly towards your eyes, not looking straight at it."

Unconsciously, Monica noticed a crooked line that took the block slightly towards her left eye.

"That´s the one. This test only works once. If you try again, your brain, now aware of the unconscious movement, will fix the line you trace."

"You´re so smart," she said.

Josh was uncomfortable with the compliment.

"It´s just through practice," he says.

He encouraged her to try throwing the knife.

"It´s your first time, so just try to get the feeling of how much strength you will need. Don´t worry about the other two points."

Monica threw the knife so badly that it hit a picture on her desk. The knife broke the glass, but the picture itself was fine. Monica took it, concerned, and felt relieved when she saw that the picture was not damaged.

"I´m sorry. I guess I´m not much of a teacher."

"Don´t worry." She showed him the photo.

These are my parents. Josh looked at it for a bit.

"Your dad looks like a calm person."

"He is. Very patient. What about your parents?"

Josh instantly became sad.

"My mom committed suicide when I was 12, and my dad...

"...my dad purchased an expensive health insurance for the whole family when I was a teenager. It was hard to keep paying it, but he always did, 'cause he wanted us to have good healthcare. Part of the procedure of the health insurance was to check all of us to see our health condition. And everything went perfect, they did not find a thing. But ten years later, my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. The health insurance covered everything, except that specific problem. It was written in small letters on the bottom of the contract. My dad was not even a smoker, what are the chances? He had paid this expensive insurance for ten years, only to end up with the only thing he would not be covered for."

Josh seemed so sad, and so was Monica.

"After his death, I found out that the insurance company had found the cancer ten years earlier during a procedural test. They never mentioned it so that they could take his money while watching him die. It was all for the money."

Monica did not know what to say or how to comfort him, so she just hugged Josh tightly.

"That´s the life everybody says is beautiful."

They began watching a movie and Monica was on the verge of falling asleep on his shoulders. She ended up cuddling on his chest. The movie ended and Josh turned down the television with the remote control. He looked at her for a bit, contemplating her beauty.

Oh man, that´s how angels must look.

He took her hair from her face, feeling her delicate skin, and she almost woke up. Josh quickly took his hand and pretended to be looking someplace else. She was still sleeping. Looking around, Josh suddenly noticed a drawing on the coffee table, with the words written on it, "I think I´m falling for you... I wanna be your Monica," and then also a date on it. Yesterday.

Josh couldn't see who was in the picture, as there was a book on top of it covering the rest of the picture. He stretched himself trying to grab the paper, but he couldn't. If he moved any further, he would wake her up.

Damn! I have to see it.

He kept trying, as if the length of his arm would change just by wishing it.

Alright, I gotta wait until she moves or something, he thought, impatiently.

While waiting, he fell asleep.

The first light of the morning began to illuminate the apartment. Josh was lying on the couch, sleeping deeply, although Monica was sleeping right on top of him. At least, that's how Monica saw it as she awakened. She stayed there, feeling his body and looking at him closely. Why not kiss him right there, right now? No, she wouldn't. With her hands, she felt his chest and she liked it. Then, her eyes went from his chest to his belly and down on, until they were touching each other tightly. That's when he made some noise and she freaked out and fell on top of him, on the floor.

Josh suddenly woke up.

"What was that?"

"I don´t know."

"What are you doing on the floor?'

"I don´t know; I´m an idiot."

Josh seemed a bit confused, but he still helped her get up.

"So, was the thing about your boyfriend the truth or was it just an excuse to sleep with me?"

Of course, Monica turned instantly red, on fire and stuttered until she noticed him with that half sexy smile again. By now, she got that he liked to play with her.

"You smart ass," she said, followed by a happy smile, angry at the same time.

"Let´s grab some breakfast."

"Alright, give me five minutes."

While Monica was getting ready to go, Josh noticed that the television had been on all night, and that they were talking about him on the news. He turned it up a bit.

"Police suspect that a man, who matches the description of the suspect of the serial killer, called the Pain Killer, is staying in Paris. There is no final confirmation yet, but people are already watching behind their backs when walking in the dark through the streets of Paris. Let´s not forget that this brutal and inhumane murderer has killed dozens of people, simply for money. He takes advantage of people in a fragile moment of their lives to take all of their money."

"It´s not for the money, you son of a bitch!"

"...here is a picture of the suspect, made with witness testimonials..."

"Holy fuck!"

On the way to breakfast, Josh was a bit worried about something, but Monica didn't notice it. It was cloudy, but not really raining. However, Josh was still wearing his hood.

"I can´t believe he didn't show up. He´s probably too drunk to..."

At that very moment, Monica saw a message on her phone from yesterday. It was her ex, saying he wouldn't make it, so they would have to postpone it for tonight. She read it out loud, with that tone, kind of asking Josh to stay another night.

"Okay, I will."

He sounded like he didn't want to, but he would still do it. Deep down inside, he liked it a lot.

"Sorry that I forgot to check my phone last night. It´s your fault, you´re too much fun!"

Josh went back to his trailer to grab some new clothing for tonight. Doing things in a hurry and nervously, he dropped and broke a glass. He knew how risky it was to stay in town, especially after reading the news. But he needed to make sure Monica would be okay."

He checked some police reports, as usual, to see if they were after him. The radio had been running all day in police frequency. He looked at some police pages to which he had access. Normally, he did not find anything except really old tracks of him found two or three countries ago. Today it was different.

Fuck! They know how my trailer looks, even though I changed its looks.

Josh also found a video from a security camera that had filmed him buying his new wheel flanges. There was a picture of the number one suspect, but he could not access the photo. It was too confidential and he did not have enough knowledge or resources to go any farther on his search. Now, he did not even know what they knew. Did they know what he looked like? Did they know where his trailer is parked? He has to check it out, and he had to get out of Paris, out of France, out of Europe. And he had to do it now. Any time he wasted could be time enough for the police to find out more about him and start patrolling the borders.

Josh got out of the trailer and in a hurry, took the strap harnesses holding the tires, unplugged the cables from the wall, and grabbed his portable antenna that was standing next to the trailer, where he got better reception. He grabbed his plant and let his full garbage bag drop to the ground. He started the engine, sped up, and set the GPS to Munich, Germany.

On the way, Josh texted Monica, apologizing and explaining that he would not be able to spend the night at her place that night. He suggested that she postpone the day that her ex would come over. He seemed a bit worried and did not want to expose her to anything dangerous. He was still planning on killing her in a few days, and Josh started to notice that he wasn't making sense, and it was happening very often. He felt like a man on a beach, trying to stop a tsunami. What were the changes of success?

*********************************

The forces that were dealing with the Pain Killer cases had access to satellites, and Josh knew that. He traveled through the night, when it was harder to be seen from a satellite. Josh abandoned his trailer and set it on fire. Since he purchased the trailer, he had installed a system that would set the vehicle on fire with one pressed button. The system was especially designed to burn the trailer completely, from every side. Josh would buy a new trailer, a completely different one, or maybe even just a minivan.

Josh hadn't seen Monica for a while and she hadn´t answered his text messages. He was worried, and afraid that something might have happened the night her ex-boyfriend went to pick up his things. He would not be able to forgive himself if something had happened to her. He needed to make sure, he needed to see her, no matter how risky it could be.

He put his gun on his temple and looked for strength to pull the trigger.

Just end this nightmare, so much pain and torture. Just do it!

He could not, especially now that he had met Monica. He tried again, with all his energy, to pull the trigger.

Why is such a simple thing so hard to do? You know that life will stab you again, so why can´t you stop yourself? Don´t be foolish, life always wins. So just do it, pull this god damned trigger!

*********************************

"Hi."

"Oh, Hi! Where were you?"

Monica was surprised to see Josh again.

"I haven´t heard from you for few days. I was starting to get..."

She stopped herself from completing the sentence.

"...I was wondering what you were into."

Josh was wearing sunglasses and had a beard and a new haircut. It looked good, and was very manly. The changes were obviously so that he would not be recognized.

"I was busy, and I´m living farther away now, for safety reasons. So it´s not so easy to get here anymore. I´m trying to avoid being too much in public. Can you get off work right now?"

"Right now? It´s only 10 a.m., I gotta work until 5 p.m."

"You probably won´t need your job for too long anyway."

"Let me ask my boss...."

"Okay, I had to lie a bit but I got it," she said when she returned.

"Cool, thank you."

She wasn't happy, though.

"Hey, don´t worry, if you lose your job, I will pay everything you need until your last days, okay?"

She was breathless for a bit.

"I´m...I´m not sure how I feel about that right now. It sounds nice but pretty scary at the same time."

She laughed unwillingly, and he smiled, unwillingly.

"Come on."

She took off her apron and hung it next to the kitchen door. They left the restaurant, walking closer to the subway, the yellow line. During the trip underground, Monica looked around and saw one or two other girls looking at him. She didn't have any right to be jealous, but she still got closer to him, trying to show them that he wasn't available. He didn't seem to have realized what was happening, though. When Monica got back to her place she was thinking that she wouldn't be able to convince anyone that he was her boyfriend. Why would such a beautiful man be with such an average when wearing make-up girl?

"Nice beard. Any special reason for the look change?"

"Actually, yes. You´ll find out in a bit."

"Why did you disappear? I was wondering if you had made your decision. It was scary."

"I´m sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, but something came up."

"What is it?"

"I´ll show you. Two more stations and we´re there."

"You know what I was thinking the other day...? You said you never tell people how you killed..."

She looked around and spoke quieter, getting closer, being discreet.

"You never tell people how you killed others, right?"

"Yeah."

"But then, why did you tell me, that very first night we met at your trailer?"

They exchanged looks for a second and he turned his eyes the other way. Without knowing exactly what to say, Josh answered.

"I...I don´t know why I did that."

"I was wondering why you did, and do you wanna know what I think?"

They exchanged looks again, and he saw the answer in her eyes.

"Ahm, no. It´s okay."

Monica was speechless again for a second, and then confused, and then disappointed, or hurt. Her eyes turned watery again. Unintentionally, a tear ran down her face. She dried it as fast as she could, but her makeup was ruined, showing her feelings.

"Don´t worry, most people get sensitive close to the end."

"That's not it. It´s not... it´s not you. Don´t worry about it."

Josh remained quiet, but he seemed sorry for having hurt her.

"We´re here."

They get off at the Hotel de Ville station, him walking with her towards one of those map plans with all the subway stations, showing her a paper on the wall next to the map plan. On the paper there was a drawing of Josh´s face, above the words "WANTED."

Monica was shocked. She wasn't afraid to get caught though, but to lose him.

"Oh my god, we gotta get out of France."

"No, don´t worry, I have it all figured out. I have made my decision about you."

"What!?"

"I´m sorry about that. We gotta separate now though."

"No, no."

She was nervous and finally let her tears go. Her voice failed her and she trembled.

"Monica..."

He walked one step away, it was a goodbye moment. But she wouldn´t let him go. She grabbed his arm.

"You´re not going anywhere."

'I´m so sorry Monica."

They started to call attention to themselves. Josh looked around and saw two police officers patrolling the train station, looking at them suspiciously. One of them finally pointed at Josh and screamed.

"He toi, Arretez!"

Shit!

Josh and Monica started to run down the stairs and then through the city, trying to outwit the police. They ran for a minute until they found a corner where they could hide. The police stopped close to them, looking around, trying to find a trace of them. One of them started to ask people on the streets if they had seen them. It was a matter of seconds until they would be caught.

"I´m sorry for all this. If you go now, you won´t be in trouble. You gotta go now."

"No, Josh, please, no!"

"Go, now!"

"Just answer me one thing. Would you give up killing someone if you two turned into best friends?"

She should have said, "If you two fall in love," but she did not say it.

"There is no time for that, Monica."

"Please, I gotta know. Just answer me."

Josh looked one more time behind the wall and saw a woman talking to the officers, pointing in their direction.

"Shit, I gotta go."

"Please, just answer me."

"I´m sorry, Monica."

He grabbed her by her shoulders and they faced each other, creating the perfect goodbye kiss scene. As if something was impeding him, he did not kiss her.

"Good bye."

*********************************

The undercover officer had finally gained the Pain Killer's trust. It took a bit longer than expected, but it had worked. Without communication with the rest of the corporation, there was no way it could be reported to the Parisian Intentional Homicide Investigation Police, or the Europol. Everything was turning out to be risky. If they completely lost contact, they might interfere with the plan in order to save the cover officer from being killed. On top of that, the cover police saw fresh news about the case on television.

"Police suspect that a man, who matches the exact description of the suspect known as the Pain Killer, is staying in Paris. There is no final confirmation yet, but people are already watching behind their backs when walking in the dark through the streets of Paris. Let´s not forget that this brutal and inhumane murderer has killed dozens of people, simply for money. He takes advantage of people in a fragile moment of their lives to take all their money."

Now there would be more pressure and the forces involved on the case might ruin everything, trying to take action.

"The Pain Killer is doing everything as usual, testing and analyzing the victim. The undercover police officer seems to have convinced him that things were going well, but it was time to speed things up a little bit after that situation at the Hotel de Ville station and it being shown on television. So, the Pain Killer has been invited to go to the victim's house, and he has accepted the invitation. As pressured, the disguised police should use this opportunity to finalize the case by getting some last confessions and ordering detention. The Pain Killer´s days are numbered.

*********************************

Monica and Josh met just outside of Paris, in a pretty area, at the Lac de Créteil. They had made plans for the day, just hanging out together. Josh seemed nervous, as he had something really important to tell Monica. It was game changing information about himself.

"Where were you that week that you were gone?"

"I went to Germany. I have a contact there that could help me with hacking the police´s page. I drove the whole night, arriving the next day at dawn. He was not happy to see me, as always. When we meet, it´s always trouble. But he still helped me. I got all the information the police have about me. It´s not much, but they have a drawing of my face, as you know. They also knew I was in Paris, and they have sent an undercover police officer to catch me.

"Oh my god! Josh..."

"Yeah. And then I stayed in Germany for a few days so witnesses would start reporting appearances of the suspect in Germany. This way, I attracted their attention outside of Paris. Because I had to come back. After that, I started to let my beard grow, to look a bit different."

"But it´s so risky. Why did you come back? You should not be here."

"I know, it was stupid, but I just couldn't stay."

"What was so important that brought you ba..."

Suddenly, Monica realized that it might have been her.

"I´m not staying at my trailer anymore though. I got rid of it."

"Where are you staying?"

"I´m sleeping on the streets. It´s safer."

"Oh my god, no!"

"It´s no big deal; I have done it before. Desperate times call for desperate measures. My real problem now is finding the undercover police officer who is after me."

"That could be too risky."

"I´m not worried. There is something else that I´m actually more worried about."

"What is it?"

"I need to tell you something really important. I hope you don't run away from me after it. I have been lying to you this entire time. What I have to tell you will change everything."

This is the End

Josh did go to the undercover police officer's house that night. There were a couple of policemen around just waiting for the sign, to pop up in the apartment and back up the undercover policeman. For some reason, the undercover policeman did not get him arrested. This made the police department superiors really peeved, leading them to demand that he be invited once more. This time, the troops would break in and catch him, with or without a sign. They began to doubt the undercover policeman.

The next night Josh did not show up, which made the heads of the operation even more suspect of the undercover policeman. They couldn't simply pull the police officer off of the operation without ruining everything, but they would watch everything more closely.

Josh did not show up or give any signs of life for a few days. Everyone was angry at the undercover policeman, suspecting that Josh may have found out everything and simply disappeared. They began to form a new plan in case Josh decided to appear again.

Where was Josh for those days he was missing? No one knew but Takeshi. He had put a tracker on Josh's new car and followed him all the way to Germany. Smoking 18 cigarettes and listening to the same Jazz music playlist five times kept him awake for the nighttime journey.

At one of Josh's stops, a gas station in the middle of nowhere, Takeshi waited in his car, thinking that it might be the perfect moment to approach Josh.

*********************************

"What do you mean you have been lying to me this whole time?" Monica demanded.

"I actually have never killed any of those people. It´s all made to cover the truth," said Josh.

Monica was stupefied, but had a happy, tearful look.

"I never kept their money, and never killed them. They´re told they´ll be killed, but eventually I tell them the plan."

"And they just accept it?"

"For the ones who still insist on dying, I say it´s a last test."

"But what´s the whole point? You´ve been wanted for murder..."

"Humans always change at the very end. Most depressed people get better once they change their lives completely. But we get so attached and stuck to our jobs, friends, material goods, promises of a future... that people just can´t walk away from all this, and end up drowning in their own prison."

"So they´re all alive?"

"There is one who did not make it. But he did not die by my hands."

"Suicide?"

Josh nodded sadly.

"I could not save him."

"It is still really great what you do for them. Risking your life like that. That´s awesome news, you´re not a criminal, you won´t go to jail."

"Well, I had to steal cadavers from cemeteries and autopsy clinics."

"Well, at least that's a different penalty. The fact that you haven´t killed anyone puts your case in a much better place."

"How do you know that?"

"I´m guessing. The question is, what happens to me now? Am I going to vanish?"

"I´ll let you decide that. But I have been thinking... maybe vanishing myself and retiring from all of this would not be a bad idea."

"Maybe love has cured you after all."

There was an awkward silence. "

"So... what were those files with peoples' information in your place?

"I keep track of all the people I have helped vanish, making sure they´re doing okay. Sometimes I secretly help them when they need a hand."

"That's a lot of work. What about your tattoo? You haven't really done anything mean to anyone. Why the tattoo?"

"That's a mark for the beast inside me. It's for all the hearts broken. The monster does it, and I pay for it."

"Please don't take what I'm going to say in a bad way, but... do you think this monster may be another personality of yours? As if you had a double personality?"

Josh remained quiet for a moment.

"I have mentioned that to some doctors. They've all said that I don't have any of the characteristics of a bipolar or double personality diagnosis."

"I know how it feels when you're sure you have something, but no one can find out what it is."

They both remained quiet for a moment. They were sitting on the ground, next to the lake. Monica hugged him and they cuddled for a while.

"Why did you think I would run away from you?"

"I don't know. Everybody does."

"The police also won't," she said, and they both laughed, breaking the sadness of the moment.

"You're really amazing."

It came out of his mouth just like that. He hadn't wanted to say it, you could immediately tell by the look on his face, but he did say it. Monica had loved it, and she had the biggest smile on her face, which was as red as a pepper.

"You are amazing too. Even since I met you, I have changed the way I see things. Even Paris turned into a magic city."

"Me, amazing? Not at all. For a couple of times there were other people trying to do what I do. Can you imagine? What a tragedy!"

"That doesn't diminish the value of what you've done."

Takeshi entered the gas station and a little bell announced his presence. Josh was wearing a hood and paying at the cashier. When he heard the bell, he took a quick look over his shoulder. He had a bad feeling about this guy, so he hurried back to the car.

The man did not buy anything, but turned and started walking towards Josh. The suspicion was official. Takeshi lost sight of Josh through the door, so he hurried as well. He left the building, but Josh was gone. His car was still there. The detective thought fast, but not fast enough. Something hit him on the head and he was thrown on the floor. Takeshi saw Josh running toward his car instead of his own car.

"Wait, it's not what you're thinking. I won't do anything to you..."

Josh pinched his tire with his throwing knife while Takeshi got back on his feet. He pulled his gun and pointed it at the detective.

"Who the hell are you?"

Checking his head and finding some blood, Takeshi felt dizzy.

"My name is Takeshi Taniguchi. I know what you do and I'm actually here to ask for your help."

"Why follow me? Why didn't you stay with all the others?"

"Because of my job. You never would have answered me."

"Hand over your wallet."

The detective tossed his wallet to Josh, who caught it in the air. He opened it to check the man's documents and a police badge popped up right away.

"After losing my entire family in a car accident and suffering from depression for three years and not getting any better, what else would I want? Doesn't a detective who has done all he could to keep people safe deserves a happy end? There is nothing left for me."

Josh thought for a moment. He sounded honest, but it was way too risky.

"Sorry pal, I don't buy your shit!"

He had an angry tone in his voice. Josh cleaned the wallet with his jacket to erase his fingerprints and let the wallet fall on the ground.

"Are you alone?"

Before the detective could answer, Josh noticed the cashier inside the store on the phone. He looked desperate and nervous."

Crap! He's calling the police.

Josh ran to his car and suggested that Takeshi go to a hospital. He burned rubber for a moment until his car pulled off like a rocket, quickly disappearing on the Autobahn.

*********************************

"You said you have never charged them money. I always knew that you were not doing it for the money. I see how great you are inside. Anyone who sees such as an interior beauty cannot help but to fall in love."

Josh did not like the complement, but he still thanked her for it. He was so uncomfortable that he could not even see that she had just given him a declaration of love. Monica seemed a bit disappointed.

"I remember seeing a big box full of money in your trailer. Now that I know you never charged them, I´m curious to know, how did you get all that money?"

"A person I have helped was very rich, and I told her that in order to have her life completely changed, she would have to give almost all of her money away, and so we did. We gave a couple of anonymous donations, and after she was gone, I found that trunk at my place with a nice thank you letter from her. I decided to use that money only to keep helping others."

She looked at him with admiration.

"Have you brought your laptop?" he asked.

She passed it to him. Josh started searching, downloading, and hacking. She asked him what he was doing.

"I am looking up this Takeshi Taniguchi guy I met. He said he wants to be terminated, but he's a police officer. So I gotta check him to make sure it's not a trap."

"That's way too risky, Josh!"

"I know. But if he wants it that bad, he may deserve it, too."

"Is it safe to use my computer, or will police knock at my door tonight?"

"It's safe. I'm using a network that connects through a series of connections, instead of only one direct one, like a normal Internet connection. That allows me to access blocked pages, or any other page actually. Everything without revealing our location, even if our connection is encrypted."

"Wow, where did you learn all that?"

"I got it from a branch of the U.S. Navy."

He talked while typing and staring at the screen.

"If you decide to help this guy...then our plan of vanishing together would have to be postponed. Are you sure it's worth it? Things are getting really tight. It is becoming hard to stay anonymous."

Josh stopped typing and remained thoughtful.

"You gotta get out before it's too late."

"Let me think about it, okay? Might I keep your computer for the day? I'll get back to you tomorrow. Be ready for a trip, in case we're really doing it. This time you're not taking anything but the clothing on your body and things that fit in your pockets."

Back in his hideout, Josh had all kinds of thoughts going through his mind. He had never had been so confused, unsure and indecisive in his life.

Does Monica really love me? Or was it all a plan from life to stab him in the back once more? You have tried hundreds of times. Why would this time be different. Just go on with life, doing what you know. Don't take scary ways if you can't see where they will take you. Although, you were never a guy of taking the easier ways. Maybe this time it will work. What if you're quitting right at your chance? Has love cured you? Can love actually cure? Does this thing called love even exist? Should you try to find it out? Your life isn't going anywhere else anymore. It's time for this, don't deny, you can feel it. You can hear destiny calling you. What about this covered police officer after you, Josh? If you don't see his face, how can you keep yourself away from it? You gotta see his face, or you would never have peace, or would never be safe.

Josh, you know what you gotta do, so do it!

The Truth

Josh´s phone rang. It was his special phone that he used only for emergencies. Only one person on Earth had a phone that could call this one, his German contact.

"Hey man, what´s up?"

"I got it. As you asked, I have the last part of your case´s files from the police archives. I have the face of your covered police officer; he's not Asian. I took a picture of my computer screen. I´m sending it to you after this call. Once you see the picture, you gotta break your phone and get the fuck out of wherever you are located. The file should take around a minute to make it through because of the secured line. In the meantime, you pack your shit."

"Alright. Thanks man."

"Viel Glück!"

He hung up and about five seconds later, his phone received a file. While it was being received, the phone said "approximately 75 seconds remaining." While waiting, Josh thought about Monica. He had to be honest with himself. Why would he deny the only good thing in his life? As nothing had previously worked, why not give it one more shot, a last one. He felt his heart so warm that it almost hurt. Josh tried to imagine how would things be without her, but he couldn't. There was nothing without her. There was no beauty, there was no happiness, no love, no life.

He fought against himself. He had learned the hard way not to trust anyone in order to keep himself safe, not to dig too deep, but how do you win a fight against something bigger and stronger then you? He couldn't think straight anymore; he was drunk on love.

Don´t let her go for only then will see what you had, Josh. You think everything you touch slowly dies, and slowly kills you. But it feels like everything you've lived in your life was to bring you here, now. To open your eyes and show you that after the rain comes the sun, and that it´s finally your time to be happy and to be loved. There is no pain that is not worth trying to win her heart.

"I gotta get her, I gotta tell her that I love her and I gotta take her with me. She will say yes, I know it, she will".

"Approximately 40 seconds remaining".

Josh went to a public phone and called Monica for the very first time. He got her voicemail.

"Hey Monica, it´s me, look, I know I´m a closed person and traumatized and all, but I see what we have and, like you said, I want to give it a try one last time, with you. I´m coming for you; I believe you feel for me, the same that I feel for you, and if it is so, we´ll be together. I´m picking you up and we're leaving. We gotta do it now, and..."

Shit!

The message time had ended.

Josh hurried to Monica´s place and arrived at her building. From the outside, he saw her light on and a police car parked in front of her building. Josh couldn´t let them take her.

He ran through the stairs until he reached the door of her apartment. It was half open. He stopped for a moment, then finally entered the room. On the coffee table were photos of Josh´s trailer, many police files, and evidence about all of Josh´s illegal actions. The weirdest part is that all the evidence was from every time Josh and Monica were together. Only then could he remember that he hadn't yet looked at the picture sent from his German contact.

Josh checked his phone, and saw right away that it was a photo of Monica, his Monica. Before he could do anything, two police officers that were sent to rescue Monica walked into the living room.

"Freeze!" one of them said, pointing a gun at Josh.

He didn't move, not because the police demanded it, but out of shock. He couldn´t believe it. His world was falling apart. Everything that made sense or mattered for him was gone.

See, that´s what you get for giving life a second chance. You have learned that life only let you get up to fall harder next time. You ignore what you have learned, you get hurt even worse. Suddenly everything makes sense. That´s why she had been carrying around a gun. That´s why she could find his trailer. That´s why she did not have any real friends or family. That´s why those two police officers went away after he texted her. That´s why she was so nervous during their first meeting. That´s why her tattoo looked recently made... There were so many signs, why did you ignore them all, Josh? That´s what you get, that´s what you deserve for being so foolish. You trusted her, what an idiot!

Monica showed up at the division to try to convince her boss to give the case more time. The division then told her that the mission had been aborted and that she better have enough evidence because they were terminating the whole operation. Monica felt a morbid cold inside her chest.

They had sent a patrol to collect all of the evidence at her place. Monica grabbed her police badge and gun and left the place in a hurry towards Josh´s hideout. She needed to get Josh and disappear from Europe. They only had a few hours.

She´s was driving like crazy, really dangerously, through the city. Every second would determine the rest of her life. If she didn't make it on time, Josh would be gone and with him, happiness would be gone.

While driving, Monica kept thinking.

What if it´s all in my head? What if he doesn't really like me? What if he´s just going to break my heart and leave with my money? Or make me vanish? Why hadn´t he vanished yet? He had mentioned, but never really charged a payment. Why did he tell you so many things about himself, when he said he never tells anyone those things? Why would he risk his life staying in Paris for so long, for you? All that had to mean something.

"I gotta tell Josh about this. He will forgive me..."

Monica grabbed her phone to call him, and that´s when she saw a voice message on her phone, from Josh.

It said, "Hey Monica, it´s me, look, I know I´m a closed person and traumatized and all, but I see what we have and, like you said, I want to give it a try one last time, with you. I´m coming for you; I believe you feel for me, the same that I feel for you, and if it is so, we´ll be together. I´m picking you up and we're leaving. We gotta do it now, and..."

He really loves me. We´re gonna be together.

She had tears in her eyes and she was deeply happy. Just then, Monica realized that Josh was going to her apartment, where the police were going as well, and actually already may be. She had to make it first.

She made a U-turn and took the road to her place. On the way, she tried calling his cellphone, but he hadn´t had his cellphone for those last few days in Paris. She couldn´t reach him.

In a second of distraction, after crossing many red lights, predictably, Monica was hit by another car. It hit her passenger door, not really wounding her other than the brutal impact. Her car spun in a half circle and stopped, smoking.

Monica was still dizzy, trying to start the engine again and again and the car just wouldn´t work. She got out, staggering, and with bleeding on her forehead, but she wouldn´t stop. Monica left the car there, like that, and ran to a subway station.

The person in the other car looked at Monica with surprise. It couldn't be her! The driver involved in the accident was Takeshi. He got out of the car with his face covered in blood. He knew that he had to hurry, but trying to go after Monica, he fell down, too dizzy to walk. People around him came to help and wouldn't let him leave.

The police officers were still pointing and screaming things at Josh, but he couldn´t hear it clearly. All of the noises sounded just like white noises, really far, stuffy and echoing.

She said she wouldn't betray me.

Josh didn't know what to do. What does one do when your world turns upside down and everything the way you know has changed and turned into ash? That´s what Josh had been through, to reach this gray and lonely hell with no way out.

She was out of the subway station and running towards home, but the clock said it was too late. Running anyway, she had to try. Anxious and sad tears were running down her face.

He trusted me!

She ran up the stairs to her apartment and noticed that the door was half open.

Oh, no!

Monica drew her gun and entered the room.

Josh was sitting in one corner of the living room and two police officers were in the other corner. She had Josh on one side and the police officers on the other side. They were pointing their guns at Josh.

"You´re a cop."

"I´m sorry, Josh."

Monica was crying more than ever before. It was all lie. There was no more reason to go on with this. Josh started to walk towards the police officers.

"Don´t move or I´ll shoot you. Stop, stop right there! The police officers kept screaming, nervously."

"Josh! No!"

Monica screamed, pointing her gun at the police officers.

"Don´t shoot him!"

One of the police officers, feeling threatened, pointed his gun toward Monica, the other one still pointing his gun at Josh. As Josh wouldn´t stop moving towards them, the police officer had no choice but to shoot him.

In panic, Monica shot the police officer, but it was too late. Seeing that she was shooting against them, the second police officer shot Monica, who fell on the floor in agony.

Josh and Monica were now both on the floor, watching their blood spreading across the room. The standing police officer started to immediately call for paramedics while checking the pulse of his partner.

Monica and Josh, dying on the floor, looked at each other and moved their arms towards each other, touching each others' fingers. With difficulty speaking, Josh spent his last strength.

"That´s your Romeo and Juliet end."

He did not look sad.

"I´m so sorry, Josh..."

There was so much regret and pain in her tone. Josh smiled a serene smile, as if he had already forgiven her even before she had said she was sorry. With his last breath, he said something that he thought he would never say again. And so he beat life.

"I love you."

He stayed only a few seconds more, to hear her, with her muffled and weepy voice.

"I love you, too."

The End

Let love win

If at least one person read this, Josh's life and death were not in vain.

(This book was based on files found on possession of a Japanese police officer who always wanted to be a writer).

I apologize for my lack of artistic touch in the narrative of this book. I am not a writer or a poet, but I needed to tell this story.

I´m not a writer, but this story needed to be told.

© 2016 Tiago Zegur, Cork City
  1. Chapter 1

