 
Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners

A Brief Account of God's Exceeding Mercy through Christ to His Poor Servant, John Bunyan

John Bunyan

Contents

Preface

A Brief Summary of the Life of John Bunyan

Introduction

Preface

Ch. 1: Rebellious Beginnings

Ch. 2: Marriage and Religious Desires

Ch. 3: Conviction, Conscience, and Outward Appearances

Ch. 4: Conversion

Ch. 5: Confusion

Ch. 6: Confession and Comfort

Ch. 7: Conflict and Hope

Ch. 8: Finding Truth in the Word

Ch. 9: Fear and Doubt Return

Ch. 10: Return Unto Me

Ch. 11: More Doubts

Ch. 12: Grace Sufficient – for Me!

Ch. 13: Christ: My Righteousness

Ch. 14: The Cause and Benefit of Temptations

Ch. 15: Growth and Fellowship

Ch. 16: Call to the Work of the Ministry

Ch. 17: Opposition

Ch. 18: Gifts and Grace

Ch. 19: Imprisonment

Ch. 20: Steadfastness in the Face of Martyrdom

Ch. 21: Conclusion

Appendix: Mr. John Bunyan's Dying Words

About the Author
Preface

This is a short and honest account of how God demonstrated His exceeding great mercy to His unworthy servant, John Bunyan; namely, how God took him out of the dunghill and converted him to the faith of His blessed Son, Jesus Christ. Here is also specifically shown how Bunyan saw sin and how it troubled him. This account tells of various temptations he met with and how God carried him through them.

Corrected and much enlarged now by the author for the benefit of the tempted and dejected Christian.

Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners is a remarkable autobiography that tells the spiritual struggles and victories of John Bunyan (author of The Pilgrim's Progress) as he dealt with sin and the Savior. It does not deal with all of Bunyan's life, however, so we have included a couple additional sections to introduce you to John Bunyan. The order of the book is as follows:

First is a brief biography that gives an overview of the life and death of Mr. Bunyan. It is helpful to read this first to learn about him, and it serves as an introduction to Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, that autobiographical and main section of this book.

Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners. This includes an introduction by George Offor, who reprinted Bunyan's autobiography in 1861 (it was originally published in 1666) and a preface by John Bunyan himself.

Finally, an appendix in the back of the book is comprised of a collection of thoughts gleaned from John Bunyan, titled "Mr. John Bunyan's Dying Words." George Offor also included this section with Grace Abounding in his 1861 reprint.

Bunyan is looked at with suspicion
A Brief Summary of the Life of John Bunyan

By William Brock

John Bunyan was born sometime in the year 1628. His birthplace was Elstow in Bedfordshire, England – a village not particularly romantic or picturesque. If the development of genius depended upon the influence of the grand or the beautiful in nature, young Bunyan did not have much hope. There are no mountains near Elstow, no cataracts or cascades, and no gorges or ravines. It is a land of wheat and barley – a land that will provide adequately for hardworking people, but not land that will make them rich.

Of Bunyan's forefathers, history makes no mention. Even of his parents, hardly anything is known. The parish register contains no entry prior to his birth. One marriage is recorded after he was born, in addition to two births, two baptisms, and six burials. The family was destitute and average in many ways. Not only did his father have to obtain their daily bread by the sweat of his brow, but the occupation by which he did so was the lowest of the low. He was a tinker, repairing pots and pans and other metal items. He traveled from place to place about the region for employment, but lived in Elstow.

It occurred to him that some learning would be advantageous to his son. Although John's parents were impoverished and undistinguished, they saw no reason why John should grow up to be an impoverished and insignificant man. Education might improve his lot in life.

At nearby Bedford, there was a free school for the children of the poor. It pleased God to put into his parents' hearts to send him there to learn to read and write. John attended the school but did not excel. As he afterwards confessed, he learned but little, and he forgot the little that he had learned. He was soon taken from school, so that he might work with his father in the art and mystery of pots and pans.

John's ungodliness was as advanced as it was offensive. Few could equal him in cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming. He was the ringleader of the village immoralities – a great sin-breeder, infecting all the youth of the neighborhood with all manner of youthful vanities. He cared nothing for Holy Scripture, preferring a ballad or the local news. He was a notorious violator of the whole law of God, except for the seventh commandment forbidding adultery, which he declared he had carefully obeyed. The desire was strong to take his fill of sin. He wanted to see what sins were yet to be committed and then hurry to commit those sins, lest he should die before he had gratified his desire.

In 1644, when Bunyan was about sixteen years old, he entered the army and took part in the conflict that was then raging between Parliament and the king. The probability is that he was a Royalist. The evidence is not conclusive, but his loyalty is so demonstrative that he would hardly have been in arms against his sovereign, while his references to the depravity of his comrades indicate association with the Cavaliers, or Royalists, rather than with the Roundheads, or followers of Cromwell and supporters of Parliament. Prince Rupert was his hero, not Oliver Cromwell.

Once in particular, he was in great danger. At the siege of Leicester, he was chosen to be among the soldiers who were to undertake an assault. Another man, though, obtained permission to go instead of Bunyan. Early in the attack, his substitute was shot with a musket ball and died. This incident greatly affected Bunyan, as it seemed to be a summons from the Lord to turn from the error of his ways. Nor was this the only summons. Several times before, he had been rescued from an untimely end. More than once he had been saved from drowning, when he was all but dead and gone.

These deliverances worked upon his soul. The goodness of God was leading him to repentance, but he resisted God's Spirit and became unhappy night and day. Fearful dreams and visions scared him. When creating a disturbance on the village green, he found himself frequently at his wits' end. God was angry with him. He was a doomed man.

To put these thoughts out of his mind, he plunged headlong into his old sins. He grew more and more rebellious against God, even neglecting his work so that he might have more time for his ungodliness and vice. Sometimes for days, he was destitute of bread to eat.

Some friends kindly pitied him and advised him, among other things, to marry. With a good wife he might do better and escape the ruin that was at hand. He took their advice, and it was his mercy to find a woman whose father was considered godly. Wise people might have pronounced the engagement reckless. Even friends must have thought it premature, for, to say nothing of other things that they lacked, they had neither dish nor spoon between them. It was a great venture to be approved, perhaps, when seeing the results, but certainly not to be recommended for imitation in the prospect of a married life.

The new Mrs. Bunyan was not altogether lacking in items of worth, however, for she brought her husband two books. One was The Practice of Piety by Lewis Bayly, and the other was Arthur Dent's The Plain Man's Pathway to Heaven. So degraded, however, had John become that he had lost the ability to read with any ease, and she had to help him repair the loss. Pleased with her devotion to him in marriage, he yielded to her entreaties and took kindly to his book. They read together, she adding wise comments as they proceeded, hoping to persuade John to become a religious man. Her childhood home had been such a happy one; how pleasant it would be if her married home could be happy too! There was no difficulty. If her husband would imitate her father, their house, with all its poverty, would soon be the house of God and the gate of heaven.

To some extent, Mrs. Bunyan's pleas prevailed. John fell in eagerly with the religion of the times and went with the best of them to church twice a day. He greatly respected and admired the ministers of God; he admired their name, their garments, and their work.

Sundays at Elstow were a strange mixture of levity and seriousness. There were two full services at the church, according to the Book of Common Prayer, and then there were May games, Whitsun ales, Morris dances, and various other sports. In the services and sports, to which the parishioners were summoned by the same church bells, Bunyan was accustomed to take part. He was skilled at ringing the church bells, ready at any time to challenge the whole countryside to a trial of skill at the belfry ropes. One Sunday, having rung the parish into church, he took his place as usual at his wife's side, joining with the congregation in the service and awaiting the delivery of the discourse. The preacher was intelligent and earnest in setting forth the evils of breaking the Sabbath. The sermon did its work. It was meant for him. No more violation of the fourth commandment for John Bunyan. He was determined to obey it from then on with heart and soul. His mind was made up once for all.

This impression, though, proved only to be temporary. Before he had finished eating, he had shaken the sermon out of his thoughts and was prepared to return to the old sports and games with great delight. No sooner said than done. That very afternoon he was on the village green, flinging himself with his usual enthusiasm into a game of "cat.'' Suddenly, he heard a voice from heaven. He thought for a moment, threw his "cat" upon the ground, and quit playing. He stood like a statue, trembling at the demand of the superhuman voice that he heard ask, "Will you leave your sins and go to heaven, or have your sins and go to hell?" He thought Christ was standing with him face to face, and that He had come to inflict the punishment, which he deserved. Bunyan did not need much time to decide. He heard, he considered, and he decided. He concluded that there could be no other result than that he would be damned for his wicked life, and if it must be so, he might as well be damned for many sins as for one. So back he went to play, not a soul among his companions aware of the astounding processes of thought and feeling which had been going on within him.

His conscience, however, was ill at ease. Mrs. Bunyan was incessant in her prudent endeavors to win him to Christ, and incidents were frequently occurring for which he was rebuked. "You ungodly wretch!" said a woman to him one day, as he cursed and swore and played the fool in the street in his typical manner. "You ungodly wretch! I never heard such swearing in my life. You are enough to spoil all the youth in the whole town." He was put to shame, especially since the woman who had reproved him was known for her own sinful lifestyle. He wished with all his heart that he could be a little child again, and that he might learn to speak without that wicked way of swearing. The rebuke of the woman took effect. He quit swearing and became a reader of Scripture and an outwardly reformed man, both in his words and in his life. His neighbors took notice of the change. They began to speak well of him to his face and behind his back. This gratified him, and he was puffed up. There was not a man in England who could please God better than he. He was all right now, he thought.

Self-denial was required from him, and he religiously took up his cross. He was passionately fond of dancing, and for a full year he still adhered to it, sometimes on the village green and at other times in a building still standing on the green. Now, though, he believed that dancing was unholy, and wishing to be as holy as possible, he gave it up. Old associates entreated him, and the well-known music tempted him, but he resolved that he would never dance again, and he never did. Another favorite amusement of his was bell-ringing, which some thought was improper in excess or when it deviated from its worthwhile purpose and became a means of amusement. This, he felt, must also be relinquished. After some inward struggles, Bunyan gave this up, too.

As with many who profess mere outward religion, John Bunyan believed that his way was now perfect before the Lord. A notable alteration had come upon his life and manners. He was sure of paradise at last. The improvement was confessedly marvelous. His wife could not contain herself for joy. Her household was becoming like her father's. The marriage portion of the two books was bearing fruit. The Practice of Piety was being embodied in her husband's practice. In The Plain Man's Pathway to Heaven, John was walking right alongside her.

Unhappily, it was all a mistake. The reformed one himself being our witness, he had not passed from death unto life, so as to become a new creature in Christ Jesus. Notwithstanding the change in his behavior, there had been no change of heart. He was still in need of the regeneration of the Holy Spirit.

There are men who have taken issue with Bunyan about his spiritual condition. Some of his biographers have ridiculed and others have resented his claim that he was yet unsaved. They deny that he was either hardened or depraved. They thought that Bunyan must have been having fits of religious fervor and thought himself to be near to God or far from Him based upon his emotional state, and his alienation from his Maker was imaginary and not real.

But the biographers are wrong, and the man of Elstow right. Amendment of the life is not renewal of the nature. However admirable in itself, it is insufficient for salvation. To man at his best, the oracles of God declare, You must be born again (John 3:7). While Bunyan's understanding and explanation of his spiritual condition at that time might have been intense and impassioned, its truth should not be denied. He described his condition accurately. His was the case of the Israelites exactly, who did not know about God's righteousness and seeking to establish their own, they did not subject themselves to the righteousness of God (Romans 10:3). He had a name that he lived, but he was dead (Revelation 3:1).

Bunyan's fundamental sensibility was remarkable. His instincts and impulses were flourishing, if not somewhat domineering. Where his neighbors were unmoved, he was agitated. Where they saw nothing that was unusual, he was either in ecstasies or tears.

This peculiarity must be kept in mind, lest Bunyan's words and actions at this time are thought to be characteristic of all spiritual conversions rather than exclusively to the temperament and characteristics of Bunyan himself. Some people do not seem to show much emotion, while the emotions and passions of others seem to rise and fall as unevenly as ocean waves during a great storm.

Conversion is essential to salvation, but conversion may come without our being so humiliated as to loathe ourselves like toads, as Bunyan described, and without our being so excited as to want to speak of God's love to the very crows that are sitting on the plowed lands. Our new birth may be as certain as was the pilgrim's, although we have never thought, with Bunyan, that the devil was pulling at our clothes and have never been ready with him to swoon with satisfaction at the thought of Christ's compassion for our souls. Every man is affected spiritually according to his temperament. Bunyan was thus affected by the great and strong wind rather than by the still small voice.

And yet, the act of his transition from death unto life was unobserved. There is no specific moment in Bunyan's life when it can be said that he was made a new creation. All his accounts and statements justify the opinion that it was a work of time. He went on, believing that he was pleasing God as well as any man in England, though having incessant regret and sorrow due to his failures in this area. The failures multiplied, and Bunyan regularly alternated between presumptuous self-righteousness and miserable despair.

His Conversion and Profession of Faith

Bunyan's business took him into Bedford one day. A few poor women were sitting at a door as he passed by. He listened to their discussion. They looked like religious women, and he thought that perhaps he might have a chance of joining in the religious talk – a practice, as he told his wife, he liked to do now. As he listened, he was amazed. No sermon at Elstow Church had ever informed him of the necessity of the new birth, the treachery of the human heart, the temptations of the wicked one, the grace of the Holy Spirit, or the sovereignty and compassion of God in Christ. The things spoken of by the women struck him with great force. If it was true, then he certainly was lacking in the genuine evidence of a godly man, and what they were saying seemed to be true. The women were simple in their manner and happy. There was such appearance of grace in all they said that their intelligence and sincerity were beyond doubt. God was making Bunyan willing to rejoice in Christ Jesus and to have no further confidence in the flesh.

Bunyan sought the acquaintance of these invaluable helpers. They were cheerfully at his service and did their best to explain to him the way of God more perfectly. Two results ensued: the one, Bunyan's heart softly and tenderly received what the women brought from Holy Scripture; and the other, a great bending of the mind to a continual meditating on the good things of which he heard and read. The Scripture was about to be fulfilled – that he should know the truth, and that the truth should make him free (John 8:32), but the process went forward slowly. What right had John Bunyan to say that he had the necessary faith? He had no evidence that he had been elected to salvation. He could not tell that the day of grace was not already past and gone. He answered these temptations as best he could. He wrestled manfully, but every now and then he would almost meet with defeat.

Up to this time he had kept his spiritual turmoil to himself. In time, he described his spiritual situation to those godly women he had met. They answered him as best they could but soon saw the wisdom of introducing him to Pastor Gifford, who could better answer Bunyan's questions and deal with his situation. Nothing better could have happened. Gifford's sensible judgment and larger knowledge brought his new friend's impetuous and prolific imagination under discipline and restraint. Many of his mistakes were subtly corrected, and a sounder habit of apprehending the will of God was gradually found. Mr. Gifford recommended that Bunyan should rely more upon the Word of God and less upon his emotion and imagination.

The immediate result was a renewal of his distress. It seemed to him that he was a most grievous transgressor. The more he meditated, the more he trembled. Bunyan remained strenuous in prayer and steadfast in his study of the Scriptures, hoping against hope. It came to pass that he was sitting in a neighbor's house, very sad, when the word came to him suddenly: If God is for us, who is against us? (Romans 8:31). Soon after, as he was going into the country, that other word came to him, He has made peace through the blood of His cross (Colossians 1:20). Then, while sitting by the fire in his house, another word came to him: Since the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise also partook of the same (Hebrews 2:14).

It would have been better for Bunyan if he had remembered that the comforting words of God were still within his reach. God's Word remained certain and constant, even while Bunyan's emotions continued to rise and fall. The grounds for his consolation in Christ was not his feelings, but the divine assurance that Christ had put away his sins by the sacrifice of Himself.

Bunyan came across a copy of Luther's commentary on the book of Galatians. It was the most well-suited thing imaginable for Bunyan at this time, for Luther was a man who had similar passion and emotional contrasts. No other book was ever so precious to him, except the Word of God. Bunyan's turmoil continued, and it is told in Grace Abounding.

Bunyan's case was a remarkable one throughout. Others should not attempt to imitate it, but we might do well to become much more familiar with the sin and the sinfulness of our own hearts and the exceeding sinfulness of our sin in the sight of God. Bunyan's case ought to cause us to realize, too, how active and strong our adversary the devil is in attempting to keep sinners from the Savior.

Eventually, however, Bunyan found lasting deliverance from self and sin through Jesus Christ. It had been evident to others for a long time that John Bunyan belonged to Christ, and now he was of that mind himself. He could neither specify the moment nor define the act of his transition into life, but he really was alive unto God.

The next thing he realized, as he continued to learn from the divine Word, was the need to confess Christ before men. He accordingly explained to the church his desire to walk with it in the ordinances of Christ. He was cheerfully accepted and, having been baptized, was enrolled in the membership of that church.

About this time he was seized by what seemed to be pulmonary consumption, or tuberculosis. He began to recover and then fell ill again but ultimately fully recovered and became strong. His health having been restored, he diligently carried out the duties of his church membership, rendering effectual help to his pastor in meetings for devotion and in visiting the sick. His ability in these respects was so noticeable that his brethren by common consent made him a deacon of the church and committed to lead in caring for the physical needs of the congregation and the official attention to the poor. Having moved from Elstow to Bedford, he accepted the office of deacon and used it well, earning himself a good reputation throughout the neighborhood. At this time he was a widower, but of the circumstances of his bereavement we have no account.

An entry in the Bedford church book indicates Bunyan's advancement in the esteem of his brethren. "At a meeting held on the 27th of the 6th month, 1657, the deacon's office was transferred from John Bunyan to John Pernie, because he could no longer discharge its duties aright, because he was busily employed in preaching." Some of his fellow members had desired him to speak a word of exhortation to them at their private meetings, and although humbled in spirit at their request, he had consented, and in two separate assemblies had discovered his gifts to them. These exercises confirmed their opinion, and they then invited him to take his turn in their village preachings. His compliance from time to time was so satisfactory that of his call to the ministry, his companions had no doubt.

They reported their opinion to the pastor, who in due time communicated to the church his own belief that they were right. The result was that Bunyan was called forth and appointed to the more ordinary and public preaching of the Word. With great fear and trembling at the sight of his own weakness, he applied himself to the work – not, however, without God's Spirit urging him on and with great encouragement from the Scriptures. He had further encouragement besides, for the country all around came by hundreds to hear the Word. Many confessed and affirmed that they had been awakened by him, so that the Word of God came with much refreshment to his heart.

Suffering for Conscience's Sake

The old inquiry was soon proposed to Bunyan, By what authority are you doing these things? And who gave you this authority? (Matthew 21:23). The answer was at hand. His ability to preach was his authority, especially since a judgment of that ability had been pronounced by the church to which he belonged. With most anxious and prayerful care, his brethren had summoned him to the service, and in that summons he recognized the voice of God. All the ordination that he required, he had thus obtained.

It happened, though, that the government of the day demanded another kind of ordination. Only ordained ministers of the Church of England were allowed to preach, and they had to have the official approval of the Commonwealth.

Bunyan, denying the right of the state to judge in such matters, paid no attention but went on his way. Complaint was lodged against him, and he was indicted for preaching at Eaton. After special prayer on March 3, 1658, his brethren took measures for his defense. They were so successful that the charges against Bunyan were dropped.

With the Restoration of the Stuarts came one of the fiercest assaults on religious freedom that ecclesiastical tyranny has ever made. Such ministry as Bunyan's was forbidden under the severest penalties. He could continue only at the peril of his life. There was no safe alternative but to hold his peace.

For a time he adopted this alternative of silence, although he did occasionally wear disguises so that he might pass unmolested to various out-of-the-way places, where amid the darkness of the night, he had agreed to preach. He greatly disliked the disguising and eventually made up his mind to preach at any risk. Having been asked to come to Samsell, where the villagers were anxious to hear the Word, he replied that he would come as they desired, if God willed. A congregation gathered from the places round about, and the preacher was at his post, but disappointment was at hand. The authorities, having heard that he was coming, were prepared to enforce the law. They had their officers on the watch with a warrant already signed for his arrest in case he should dare to preach.

Bunyan was informed of the danger, and the question was raised whether the service should be postponed to some other time. As it was, he might be arrested, but there was a fair chance for his escape. John Bunyan would not even consider escaping though. He thought that since God in His mercy had chosen him to go preach to those who were in despair and in need of the hope found only in Jesus Christ, it would be a discouragement to the whole body if he should run away. Further, he thought that the world would take occasion from his cowardliness to blaspheme the gospel. So the momentous Samsell meeting went on.

Bunyan had offered up the opening prayer, to which the brethren had responded by a full-hearted "Amen." Then, with tones that told of struggle between the apprehensive and the brave, he read out his text, Do you believe in the Son of Man? (John 9:35). He was proceeding when the constable walked in and arrested him on the spot. The warrant having been produced, there was no alternative but submission, and the prisoner went with the constable, as he required. But let the brethren be of good courage. Their preacher might have been apprehended as a thief or a murderer. Blessed be God that it was not so. Far better to be the persecuted than the persecutors in such a case as theirs.

"No more of that," said the constable. "The justice won't wait; you must come along." They were too late, for Justice Wingate was gone away. As a great favor, the prisoner was released for the night on a sort of bail. In the morning, Bunyan met the constable, and they went their way to the courtroom. Wingate raised a discussion, insisting that a tinker had no right to preach.

"That," Bunyan replied, "depended on the tinker's character and capability."

The judge reminded Bunyan that the law commanded him not to preach and told him that he had better give it up. All Bunyan had to do was give the judge assurance that he would not preach illegally anymore, and Bunyan was free to go. John Bunyan, however, assured Justice Wingate that as sure as truth was truth, he would go and preach immediately upon his release. The clerk was then ordered to prepare a written court order directing Bunyan to be taken to jail, for to jail he must go.

As he was departing, an old acquaintance, Dr. Lidall, came into the courtroom. A curious conversation ensued. The doctor reviled Bunyan as a descendant of the notorious coppersmith who had resisted the apostles (2 Timothy 4:14-15). Bunyan retorted that the apostles were resisted by priests and Pharisees as well as by coppersmiths and that perhaps there were descendants of those priests and Pharisees not far off. The result was that on November 13, 1660, Bunyan was committed to jail on the charge of going about to several illegal religious meetings in the country to the great discredit of the government of the Church of England.

Another effort was made to save him. A Mr. Forbes urged him to give up his unseemly ecclesiastical practices, assuring him with as much kindness as earnestness that he had no right to preach. Bunyan respectfully but firmly contradicted. He was then taken away to jail. As he was going forth out of the courtroom, he found it difficult to hold back from saying to them that he carried the peace of God along with him, but he was silent and went away to prison with God's comfort in his poor soul.

At the ensuing sessions (the times of year when criminal cases were heard by the justices), a bill of indictment was brought against Bunyan, in which he was charged with having devilishly and wickedly abstained from going to church. He was also accused of being a common upholder of illegal religious meetings, contrary to the laws. He was required to plead guilty, but refused. In one sense of the word church, he was a frequenter and not an absentee. But did he go to his parish church? No, and with the court consenting, he mentioned the reasons why.

This led to an altercation in which, though cruelly taunted and maligned, Bunyan maintained his temper and persisted in his course. He was no enemy to the existing government. He declared that he was one of the old-fashioned persons who coveted to fear God and honor the king, but yet he dared not disobey the King of kings, for scripture makes it clear that we must obey God rather than men (Acts 5:29). Therefore, he, the prisoner, must necessarily minister in the preaching of the Word. He was as ready as any justice on the bench to render unto Caesar the things which were Caesar's; he could not, however, render unto Caesar the things which were God's (Matthew 22:21).

After Bunyan spoke, his punishment was inevitable, and thus the sentence was given: "You must be taken back to prison, and there lie for three months. At three months' end, if you do not submit and go to church to hear divine service and leave your preaching, you will be banished from the kingdom. If, after such a day as shall be appointed you to be gone, you shall be found in this kingdom, you must stretch by the neck for it." And so the jailer led him away.

The prison was one of the worst in the kingdom, well designated by Bunyan as "a den." There were only two cells and one small court, all on a level with the river Ouse. Thirty persons would have filled the place, but sixty were frequently shut up there day and night. To a man of thirty-two years, accustomed to exercise and the free air, such confinement must have been dreadful. A single week of it would suffice to put his resolution to the test. Many thought that he would not be able to submit to humiliation and suffering like that for long. If he could get the opportunity, then he would certainly retract. The justices thought so and sent the clerk of the peace, Mr. Cobb, to assure the prisoner of their goodwill and persuade him to accept his release by promising not to preach. The messenger urged him to reconsider. It was bad enough that Bunyan should be in jail, the companion of felons, but it would be far worse when the sessions came, for then the heavier sentence would be passed. "It will go worse with you," said Cobb, "even to being sent away out of the nation or else worse than that."

The interview continued for hours, but it produced no effect. Paul acknowledged that the powers in his day were of God, and yet he was often in prison. Jesus Christ told Pilate that he had no power against Him but of God, yet He died under Pilate, and the prisoner hoped the clerk of the peace would not say that either Paul or Christ denied magistracy. The law provided two ways of obeying. In cases that approved themselves to a man's conscience, he was bound to obey actively, and Bunyan was ready to do so. In cases that offended a man's conscience, he was bound to obey passively, even to lie down and suffer what should be done to him. For this also he was ready, even unto death.

On hearing that this was his determination, Cobb sat still and said no more. The prisoner thanked him for his civil and meek discoursing, and so they parted, with the prayer that they might meet in heaven. Noxious and nauseous as was the den, John Bunyan went back to wait for the results.

It happened that a coronation came, and according to the national custom, all prisoners except the very worst were pardoned. Bunyan received no pardon. His enemies resorted to legal quibbles to his disadvantage, so that his hopes and endeavors were unavailing, and he was detained. His wife (about a year before his imprisonment, he had married again) went to London with a petition, but it came to nothing. The only chance now was with the judges who were coming to the court sessions. They might, on the strength of the coronation pardon, order him to be released. On their arrival, Bunyan wanted to go to them and ask for his release, but permission was refused. Nothing was left but for his wife to go. A brave-hearted and sagacious woman as she was, she gained access to the judges several times and prevailed so far that a long discussion was raised upon the merits of the case. Well and wisely and warmly did she plead, but although the Lord Chief Justice evinced singular sympathy with her distress, he would not interfere. There were two or three ways, he said, which she might try for getting the sentence cancelled, but she did not have the means for trying them, so imprisonment went on.

To employ himself and support his family, Bunyan worked away at the somewhat inglorious occupation of tagging with a tin point the common shoe and stay-laces that were then in vogue, and he had as much work as he could do. At intervals, he read the few books within his reach, giving the most resolute and systematic attention to the Word of God.

Efforts were made at the next sessions to secure his freedom. They were met invariably with the demand, "Will he undertake to quit preaching?" If he would, there was no obstacle. Bunyan would not agree to stop preaching, though, so the obstacle remained. For six years, he never left the den, enduring as best he could the foul compound of unwholesomeness which sent John Howard, the prison reformer, on his mission of self-sacrificing zeal a century later.

There were times when John Bunyan was nearly overwhelmed. The parting with his wife and poor children was very painful, not only because he loved the visits by his wife and children, but also because he often thought about the many hardships they were likely to meet with should he be taken from them. He especially thought of his oldest daughter, Mary, who had been born blind. He thought for a while that he might be banished and die in a ditch or that his imprisonment would end at the gallows, but he could not give up his right to preach. Deliverance from his sufferings would have overjoyed him, for he often groaned, being burdened, but he would not purchase his freedom by disloyalty to Christ.

Bunyan's wife pleading with the judges

For twelve years the imprisonment continued; some of his jailers were kindly affectionate, while others were oppressively unkind. The occasional alleviations of prison life had to be ascribed to the friendliness of the kind ones. Not only was the place made more tolerable, but permission was given to visit his brethren, even in the city, upon his word of honor that he would return. The fact was reported, and one night a messenger from the authorities awoke the jailer with the demand to see Bunyan. As it happened, Bunyan was there. He had returned only an hour or two before, under the impression that his enemies were on the alert. Whatever kindness their subordinates might show him, the magistrates and authorities would show none.

Deliverance at length drew nigh. In March 1672, the king issued a declaration authorizing all Nonconformists, except the Papists, to meet for public worship and devotion in such places and under such ministers as should be licensed from time to time. The spirit of this declaration involved the release of the Nonconformists, who were in jail everywhere. Attempts were accordingly made to obtain their release, especially by certain Quakers, whose brethren constituted the largest number of the sufferers for conscience's sake. Through the unceasing and costly investigations of George Offor, Esq., facts had been discovered which corrected several popular misconceptions as to the way in which the sufferers were set free. The facts were given by Mr. Offor at length in his elaborate and masterly memoir of Bunyan. The following is a brief example:

"You have seen me before," said one who was representing the Quakers before King Charles.

"Where?" asked the king.

"On board the ship that carried you safe to France after the Worcester fight."

"I remember."

"And don't you remember that a privateer was chasing us, and that some of us rowed you ashore, and that, getting into shallow water, one of us took you on his shoulders and carried you high and dry up to a village close by?"

"I remember it well."

"The man who carried you ashore that day was I, and now I come to ask you to be kind to my brethren in their distress, as I was kind to you in yours."

The whole scene came up to the royal recollection. This man, Richard Carver, at an important crisis had been a friend in need. He certainly deserved remuneration, but these Nonconformists were so fanatical that if they were let out of jail, they would repeat all their offences and be sent back again. The old sailor pressed his application notwithstanding and reminded His Majesty that the laws that would send them back were bad laws that ought to be repealed. In his good nature, Charles told the Quaker that he might renew his request another time. No time was lost; other Quakers joined in the application, and Carver carried his point for the liberation of the Nonconformists of every name.

Some delay took place, but on September 13, 1672, an order was signed which set Bunyan free. He found that his affairs were in great disorder, and he had to begin again as if he had newly come into the world. Before his liberation, a license had been sent to him from the king to preach. Mr. Gifford was dead, and it had been resolved by the church that Bunyan should become their pastor, if he concurred with their desire.

After the manner of the apostles, he had been the prisoner of the Lord. He had taken joyfully the spoiling of his goods, not reckoning his life dear to him that he might assert and vindicate the prerogative of the Head of the Church. The prohibition that had been served upon him not to preach was a dishonor done to Christ. The suppression of free prayer was an offence against the Holy Spirit. He had, therefore, no alternative but to stand on his defense. His loyalty to heavenly authority necessitated disloyalty to earthly authority. He could not obey ecclesiastical law, because it was at variance with divine law. He went to prison, and there he would have remained until he died, not at the impulse of foolhardy fanaticism or desperate partisanship, but at the dictate of reverence and godly fear. As seeing Him who is invisible (Hebrews 11:27), he did not dare to forego the privilege of pouring out his heart before the Lord extemporaneously. Neither did he dare to abandon the ministry, which he had received of the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God.

Ministry and Pastorate

Bunyan believed that he had received his ministry from the Lord. The belief was like the burden of the Lord upon his soul. The longing to proclaim the glad tidings was as a fire within his bones. Then in my heart it becomes like a burning fire shut up in my bones; and I am weary of holding it in, and I cannot endure it (Jeremiah 20:9). Hence, throughout his long imprisonment, unless he was prohibited, he was the servant of his fellow prisoners for Jesus' sake. His services were generally to edification; now and then they were pervaded with remarkable impressiveness and power. He mentioned one occasion, when in the prison chamber, he felt unable to speak so much as five words. The congregation was waiting, and the text was from Revelation 21 about the holy Jerusalem descending out of heaven from God. Some dim glimmerings of the jasper fell upon his eye, and he began to think that he should see further. He carried his meditations with a few groans to the Lord. Help was granted at once, and the brethren all ate and were filled. The distribution of the portion so increased that he gathered up a basketful of fragments after they had dined well. The Spirit of God moved among the prisoners that day as Bunyan spoke to them.

Exercises such as this prepared him for his ministerial duties as the pastor of a church of Christ. Through the diligent study of his Bible and the careful cultivation of his spiritual gifts, Bunyan became an eloquent man and mighty in the Scriptures. Upon his release, he found a large meetinghouse awaiting him, which had been legally registered. The people gathered in great numbers from the beginning of his time there. His sermons were prepared with deep and devout study.

After the sermons were preached, depending on his opinion of them, they were sometimes written out for further use. His resources were scanty; he had little besides the Word of God and prayer. He found his help and his inspiration, as he continually declared, from a higher source. To draw water from his own cistern was his delight, daring to make bold only with what God had made his own by the evidence of the Word and Spirit. This great Bible habit of Bunyan's was obvious in every sermon he composed. The occurrence of Scripture was not only continual but appropriate and conclusive, exhibiting remarkably the unity of Scripture and the analogy of faith. The plainest phraseology and style were adopted. His idea was that words easy to be understood often hit the mark, whereas high and learned words only pierce the air. In no sense were his statements an uncertain sound. His preaching was understood at once. The common people heard him gladly, while those who were more difficult to please found no occasion for complaint. He expressed himself clearly without being crude and spoke directly without being rough.

In the delivery of his sermons, he had the advantage of a sharp, quick eye, a fine voice, and an agreeable address. By nature and grace alike he was qualified to be a good minister of Jesus Christ. No wonder, therefore, that his meetinghouse was always crowded, and many had to stand outside. There was power in the preacher that was felt throughout the neighborhood, all sorts of persons striving to partake of his instructions.

At stated times he visited the neighboring villages, and branch churches were formed, which continue to this day. Now and then visits were paid to the city, where his popularity was quite as great as it was at home. A day's notice was enough to secure a large congregation. We quote from a contemporary: "By my computation, I have seen 1,200 people come by seven o'clock on a working morning to hear him preach in the dark winter time. I also computed about 3,000 that came to hear him one Lord's day in London at a town's end meetinghouse, so that half were required to go back again for lack of room. Bunyan himself was required to be carried over people at a back door to get up the stairs to his pulpit." It was the spectacle of his early ministry over again when, in strange out-of-the-way places in Bedfordshire and Herts, a thousand people would gather to hear him preach in the dead of night. His popularity affected him with awe. He humbled himself before the Lord. Unless grace had been given to him from heaven, he would have been exalted above measure, and the devil would have led him captive at his will.

Somewhat severe discipline was permitted to follow. Rumors came into circulation grievously to his disadvantage. It was asserted that he had broken the seventh commandment (do not commit adultery), and it was insinuated that he had broken the ninth commandment (do not bear false witness against your neighbor) as well. A Mr. Beaumont died suddenly. His daughter, who had been previously turned out of her home for attending Bunyan's preaching, had just before been received back home on the promise that she would no longer go to hear John Bunyan preach. She regretted her promise and implored her father to cancel his prohibition. One night, as he was getting ready to go to bed, she asked her father again for permission to hear Mr. Bunyan preach. She asked with such earnestness that he was greatly moved. During the night, he died.

The report was raised that he had been poisoned, that his daughter had administered the poison, and that her minister had instructed her how she should proceed. The report aroused the neighborhood. The woman was a murderess, and the Nonconformist preacher was her lover. The rumor was spread that though Bunyan was a husband and father, he was also a scandalous adulterer, if not something worse. Judgment would overtake him now. An inquest was held preliminary to other measures, which were already vigorously in hand; but with the inquest, the matter ended. The accusers, having been rebuked by the coroner for their audacity, were well-nigh driven out of court by the jeers and disgust of those in attendance. "For a wind-up of the matter," said Bunyan, "I call God for a record upon my soul that I am innocent. Not that I have been kept because of any goodness in myself, but God has been merciful to me and kept me, and I pray that He will keep me still."

This aggravating trial did have some positive results. The preaching increased in its efficiency, and the preacher was held in yet higher reputation as a good minister of Jesus Christ. Invitations were given him by larger churches. Offers were made to him of a more plentiful income by other churches, but he was immovable. Bedford, with its neighborhood, was his sphere, provided always that he might go as opportunity offered to preach and do good elsewhere. As "Bishop Bunyan," which had come to be his designation, he spared no pains or labor in travelling to the remote counties where he thought the people stood in need of his assistance. He was permitted to preach and give counsel now without any dread of molestation, and although he habitually objected to the state of religion that made his preaching elsewhere necessary, he turned it to good account. From the vocation of a preacher he never swerved, whether through evil or through good report.

The following conversation is shared by his friend Charles Doe:

"As Mr. Bunyan was on the road near Cambridge, a scholar who had observed him preaching overtook him and said to him, 'How dare you preach, seeing you have not the original biblical texts and are no scholar!'

Then said Mr. Bunyan, 'Do you have the original texts?'

'Yes,' said the scholar.

'No,' said Mr. Bunyan, 'do you have the very selfsame original copies that were written by the penmen of the Scriptures, the prophets and apostles themselves?'

'No,' said the scholar; 'but we have the true copies of those originals.'

'How do you know that?' said Mr. Bunyan.

'How?' said the scholar, 'How? Why, we believe that what we have is a true copy of the original.'

'Exactly,' said Mr. Bunyan; 'and so do I believe that an English Bible is a true copy of the original.'

Then away went the scholar."

The seed of the Word fell into good ground. Many were converted and added unto the Lord. The church under his care constantly increased, and as an under-shepherd, he labored diligently for its welfare. He carefully attended to the administration of the ordinances, and he strenuously insisted that they were to be regularly observed. Bunyan believed that they were not grace but were a means of grace. The Lord's Supper did not supply the body and the blood of Christ, but it represented them. The pastor believed that the representation and the sign of the Lord's Supper and of baptism availed much for dying to sin and for walking in newness of life. To neglect them was to lose a privilege and to commit a fault.

Bunyan visited the sick with conscientious and sympathizing care. In cases of differences among the brethren, he promptly intervened. For seekers after truth, with their manifold anxieties, he had helpful and congenial counsel. He corresponded with the members who were gone to other places, and when they had become residents elsewhere, he consulted with the church to transfer their membership to some sister church. To the discipline due to offenders, he adhered at any cost. He admonished privately in the first instance; if he failed, he reported the case to the brethren; and if, on examination, they felt that punishment was deserved, he explained the law relating to the offence, and the punishment ensued.

The readiness to punish was always accompanied by an equal readiness to forgive. Only let a man who had been put away demonstrate remorse, and the pastor delighted to facilitate his restoration and to build him up in his most holy faith.

With all this, Bunyan did not monopolize service to God. He was over the brotherhood in the Lord. He was the occupant of the pulpit and the pastor of the church, but he considered every member of the body a fellow laborer and introduced him to such service as he was best able to perform. The younger and the older ones were familiarized with their privileges and responsibilities and with the common effort to strive together for the faith of the gospel to bear one another's burdens in fulfilment of the law of Christ (Philippians 1:27; Galatians 6:2).

In these several ways, care was taken of the church over which the Holy Spirit had made him an overseer. He fed it with the bread of life. He trained it for works of faith. He exercised it unto godliness. He inspired it with self-denying zeal. He kept it from contention that would have been disreputable and disastrous by committing it to a generous contention for the faith once delivered unto the saints (Jude 1:3).

Bunyan the Author

Bunyan was familiar with the handling of the pen. It was a pleasure to him to write. Composition trickled from his heart to his head, and from there through his fingers to the page. It may, indeed, be conjectured that the act of writing was laborious and somewhat slow. Judging from the earlier specimens of his penmanship, it must have taken a good while to get his smallest books ready for the press. The mind evidently outstripped the hand.

He became an author in 1656, almost as soon as he became a preacher, and his first work was controversial. It was entitled Some Gospel Truths Opened, According to the Scriptures. The object of it was to counteract the errors, which certain Quakers were disseminating to the disparagement of Scripture and the vicarious sacrifice of the Lamb of God.

It was answered immediately, and to the answer he gave an unwarrantably severe reply. Other books followed, and then he was imprisoned. Composition, however, went on; necessity coming in to stimulate his pen. He wanted to support his family, and although he was a prisoner, he had to support himself. For these purposes, lace-tagging was insufficient, so he wrote some smaller pieces which his friends had printed for sale about the streets. They were received so well that the ballad singers about Newgate and London Bridge availed themselves of the writer's popularity by attaching his portrait and initials to some impudent forgeries of their own.

In token of his concern for those to whom his preaching had been a blessing, he wrote a brief relation of God's exceeding mercy to himself. This book, which extends from his birth to his imprisonment, is one of the most affecting autobiographies in the world. It constitutes, of course, the staple of every account of his conversion and consecration to the work of God. His title, Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, was the best he could have found for his autobiography.

More elaborate publications followed, the preparation of which, under Bunyan's circumstances, must always be a matter of surprise. They were profound treatises on such great matters as justification by faith and the resurrection of the dead. Although modern treatises have superseded them in our theological schools, they have rarely been surpassed, either in their robust intellectual power, their wise insight, their reverential and careful anxiety to apprehend the truth, or in their precise and vigorous statement of the sentiment to be expressed. The only known addition to his few literary resources was a concordance and Foxe's Book of Martyrs. His only place for writing was the common cell, in which the interruptions were incessant and the conveniences none at all. The tone of these prison compositions was to a large extent controversial, and in some cases the controversialist was ungenerous and harsh. Toward a Rev. Mr. Fowler, who had written in virtual denial of the thirteenth article of his own church, Macaulay says he was "ferocious." He was certainly rude, but Fowler was at least as rude, and both of them went far too near the malevolent and coarse.

The last work, which went to press from prison, was entitled A Confession of my Faith, and a Reason of my Practice. Its design was to defend the practice of admitting Christians, as Christians, to the Lord's Supper. It was enough in Bunyan's esteem that a person gave evidence of the faith that works by love. Bunyan would have preferred that a person was baptized upon the profession of faith before taking part in the Lord's Supper, but if the person's life gave proof of godliness, then Bunyan would allow the person to participate in the ordinance. Bunyan believed that such a person's right to the privileges of the church was unquestionable, and at Bedford, all the privileges could become his own.

A great outcry was raised by the leading Baptists, and this open communion was denounced as daring disloyalty to the Lord. But Bunyan quietly persisted, determining with the Almighty God as his shield, to suffer for this principle, "even until the moss should grow upon his eyebrows."

There was another book that might have seen the light before our author left the prison. It is the work that has so effectually immortalized his name. The Pilgrim's Progress was begun and finished in Bedford jail. It came to him almost without an effort, imposing itself in its unrivalled and unnumbered excellences of sentiment and style, with all the gentleness of a dream. He was in the act of writing another work when he fell suddenly into writing this. Twenty ideas came to him, and before he had put them down, twenty more came. He set his pen to paper with delight. As he wrote, the matter came, and as he was still writing, still more came, until at its length and breadth and extent, he was both gratified and amazed. He had kept the subject entirely to himself. He had received no help from a human soul. He had gotten no material from the stores of other times. He had caught no inspiration from the glorious sound of many waters, from the gorgeous spectacle of oriental heavens, or from the sublime solitudes and the more sublime silence of the everlasting hills. He was the occupant of a den, and he had always been a dweller amid the flats of the sluggish and sleepy Ouse River. But, to his unspeakable enjoyment, he had brought his main character, Christian, through marvelous changes by the Delectable Mountains, through the land of Beulah, and into the paradise of God. Manner and matter, too, were all his own; nor was the book made known to any mortal till he had finished it.

In the jail was a Mr. Marsom, through whose family it has been reported that Bunyan read The Pilgrim's Progress to his fellow prisoners with a view to their opinion as to whether it should be published or suppressed.

There was nothing like unanimity. "Some said, 'John, print it'; others said, 'Not so.' Some said 'It might do good'; others said, 'No.'" Mr. Marsom went over the manuscript carefully by himself and then recommended that it should be sent to press without delay.

The discouragements, however, prevailed, and it was not published until 1678. Its popularity then was immediate and immense. Within ten years, twelve editions had been published, and in England alone 100,000 copies had been sold before Bunyan died. From that time to this, it has been a foremost book. It has been quoted on the stage. The characters of romance novels have turned it to account. Essayists have pondered its several parts in order to add to their profound treatises upon the whole. Critics have dissected and analyzed it that they might secure intelligent perception of its beauties and defects. Through translations it may be read by almost every nation under heaven. Artists have expended the utmost of their power in illustrating its surpassing scenes.

The History of Mr. Badman, with one or two other books, followed the publication of The Pilgrim's Progress, and then in 1682 came The Holy War. It may be gathered from the preface that in describing Mansoul, first in its possession by Diabolus and then in its conquest by Immanuel, the author is describing himself. The description throughout is military; the recollections of his soldier life at the siege of Leicester supplied him with the graphic illustrations he so effectually employed. The first assault of the devil, with its success in seducing man from his Maker, is wonderfully told – and so is the recovery of man by the incarnation of the Son of God. Perhaps more wonderfully still are the renewed endeavors of the Wicked One to bring man back again beneath his power. The profound philosophy of the performance is congenially akin to the genius with which it is embodied and adorned. The metaphysical, the poetical, and the evangelical are about equally combined.

This book passed through several editions in the author's life and is still in request, though by no means to the extent that its unrivaled excellences deserve. It is the best human directory in existence for the man who would understand how the law of sin, which is in his members, is wrought upon by Satanic power and how, through the concurring grace of the Holy Spirit, that power may be held in check.

Within a year or two, the second part of The Pilgrim's Progress was published, in which Christian's wife and children, along with their neighbor, Mercy, are seen going after him to heaven. Other companions, with names most profoundly significant of character, join them on their journey, and under the dauntless guardianship of Great Heart, they ultimately reach their destination. It is glorious to see how the open region was filled with horses and chariots and trumpeters to welcome the pilgrims as they went up and followed one another into the beautiful city. The versatility of Bunyan's power is manifest in the entire tone of this second part in comparison with the first. The progress of the Christian man was, for the most part, a terrible struggle to obtain a victory; the progress of the Christian woman was, to a large degree, a pleasant journey toward a home.

Christiana's boys were left behind as a blessing to the church militant, the dreamer intimating that he might have something to say of them at a future time. His intimation was apparently fulfilled, as far as writing a third part was concerned; for, some years after his death, his publisher, Nathaniel Ponder, announced that the manuscript had been entrusted to him and that it would be issued before long. Nothing more was heard of Ponder's publication. There came, indeed, what purported to be a third part, but it was a forgery. The internal and circumstantial evidence proved that it had no sort of kinship with the two veritable dreams.

Other books followed until about sixty volumes, several of them large writings, constituted Bunyan's works. Many of them were admonitions, but all had reference to the fundamental truths of the Christian faith. In several instances they were the enlargements of his sermons, for he had the strong impression that they were likely to awaken ungodly readers from their deadness and to induce some deeper spirituality among the saints. He desired to serve not only his own generation but the generations which were to come. It was indeed a painful task to go on mastering the objections of the scorner in order to refute them, but he performed the task. It was arduous work to solve the various difficulties of undisciplined and hypercritical minds, but he did the work. It was a weighty responsibility to warn the church of God throughout the land against the manifold temptations, which were abounding to deny or adulterate the faith, but he discharged the responsibility and accomplished under God as much good from the press as from the pulpit, indoctrinating thousands of his countrymen whom he had never seen with his own comprehensive knowledge and intense admiration of the gospel of the grace of God.

By the simpler works, such as his Book for Boys and Girls, as well as by the deeper works, as his Law and Grace Unfolded, the people were generally attracted, gratefully retained, and conclusively persuaded.

In all sixty of his books, it could safely be said that his object was apparent, his language intelligible, his reasoning lucid, his illustrations proper, his sincerity undeniable, his design benevolent, his tone that of Boanerges or of Barnabas, either the indignant or the pathetic, the alarming or the consolatory, whichever seemed the likeliest to bring his readers into the earlier or the more mature fellowship of the faith of Christ.

An instance may be given of his power in expostulating with the slothful: "Sluggard, are you asleep still? Are you resolved to sleep the sleep of death? Will neither tidings from heaven or hell awake you? Will you say still, a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest (Proverbs 6:10; Proverbs 24:33)? Oh, that I was skillful in lamentation and had but a yearning heart toward you! How I would pity you! How I would bemoan you! Poor soul, lost soul, dying soul! What a hard heart have I that I cannot mourn for you! If you should lose but a limb, or a child, or a friend, it would not be much; but, poor man, it is YOUR SOUL! If it was to be in hell but for a day, but for a year, nay, for ten thousand years, it would be nothing in comparison. But it is forever! Oh, this cutting EVER! What a soul-amazing word will that be which says, Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels (Matthew 25:41)."

In his dealing with the despondent, he thus conveyed his wisdom: "Nothing has been more common to many than to doubt the grace of God – a thing most unbecoming a sinner of anything in the world. To break the law is a fact foul enough, but to question the sufficiency of the grace of God to save from that condition is worse than sin, if worse can be. Wherefore, despairing soul, for it is to you I speak, hold back from your mistrusts, cast off your slavish fears, hang your misgivings upon the hedge, and believe that you have an invitation sufficient for the matter, for a river is before your face. And as for your want of goodness and works, let that by no means dishearten you. This is a river of the water of life, streams of grace and mercy. And when you see how those who are reluctant to die make provision at Tunbridge, Epsom, and Bath, and other places that they may have their dwellings by the waters which are there, then you will greatly desire to be always near this blessed water of life, for you have nothing to do. I speak to the healing of your soul from its doubts and fears, but to drink and live forever."

For the believer rejoicing in Christ, he had a word in season: "It is amiable and pleasant to God when Christians keep their rank, relation, and station, doing all that suits their quality and calling. Then they are like the flowers in the garden. Where the gardener has set them, there they stand; and from the hyssop on the wall to the cedar in Lebanon, their fruit is their glory. And, seeing the stock into which they are planted is the most fruitful stock, and the sap conveyed from it is the finest sap, and the dresser of our souls is the wisest husbandman, how contrary to nature, to example, and to expectation, if we are not rich in good works. Wherefore take heed of being painted fire wherein there is no warmth, painted flowers which retain no smell, and painted trees on which is no fruit."

Latter Days and Death

Suffering for conscience's sake threatened Bunyan to the end. His nonconformity and evangelical faithfulness rendered him most obnoxious to the authorities, and on different occasions they confiscated his goods. His meetinghouse was closed down, and for a while he and his congregation had to assemble in the fields.

Amid this uncertainty as to the future, he transferred whatever property he had acquired to his beloved wife with a document dated December 23, 1685. Moved by his natural affection, he, "John Bunyan, brazier," put her in possession of all goods, possessions, and debts, wherever they might be found.

Thus prepared for the worst, he was instant in season and out of season in his Master's work. His reputation went on increasing. Opportunities for usefulness extended in all directions. With books he became better acquainted, and he took singular advantage of his larger knowledge of society. Everything was made subservient to his purpose, so that his congregations were often struck by the insightful mention of matters that were familiar to him and his readers by powerful allusions to the incidents and opinions of the times. As the chaplain of the Lord Mayor of London, an office to which he once attained, or as the pleasant guest of the wayside cottagers who fed him a frugal meal before he was about to preach, he was bent upon doing good and getting good! He studied to show himself approved unto God (2 Timothy 2:15).

Early in the year 1688, Bunyan suffered severely from the sweating sickness, and it was feared that he would die. Partial recovery ensued, and he resumed his labors to the full extent of his diminished strength. But the end was drawing near, and before long it came; not, indeed, as either he or his devoted wife would have desired, for he died a two days' journey away from home, and she could not come to him in time.

He had been persuaded by a young man, whose father was about to disinherit him, to attempt a reconciliation. There was no hope of reconciliation unless Bunyan could speak with the father, and that involved a journey from Bedford to Reading, a distance of fifty miles. He undertook it, although on horseback, and explained his self-denying mission so well that the father consented to forgive and reinstate his son immediately. Overjoyed at his success, Bunyan generously determined to go to London, where the youth resided, on his way home, to tell him of the result. The weather was unusually inclement, and the journey became exhausting. On reaching the residence of his friend, Mr. Shaddocks, on Snow Hill, Bunyan fell ill of fever, and although hope had been entertained of his recovery, after ten days he died – on August 31, 1688.

Bunyan's death was a befitting consummation of his life. His loins were girded and his lamp trimmed. He endured unto the end. He expired, setting his seal triumphantly that God was true. "If you want to better understand," said the dying man to his attendants, "what it means to see God in all His glory, my request is that you would live a holy life, and then go and see. I go to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who will no doubt through the mediation of his blessed Son, receive me, although I am a sinner. Weep not for me. We shall meet before long to sing the new song and remain everlastingly happy, world without end." He knew in himself that he had in heaven a better and an enduring substance (Hebrews 10:34).

His body was buried in Bunhill Fields amid the most grateful tokens of general respect and love. At Bedford the grief was intense, especially within the bereaved church but also through the neighborhood without. It was only two weeks before that his fellow townsmen had seen him ride away on his errand of mercy into Berkshire, rather less robust they thought than formerly, but still a strong and healthy man of sixty. Some of them respectfully bid him farewell; others more familiarly and congenially wished him Godspeed.

Now he was dead and gone! By his considerate kindness to an outcast, he had brought about his latter end. In serving his own generation, by the will of God he had fallen asleep and was gathered to his fathers. Magnanimous, venerable Bunyan! You rest from your labors, and your works follow you. Your course was full of disappointments and successes, but it was consistent. You were frowned upon and flattered, but you were faithful. Your progress from this world to that which is to come accorded with the likeness of your own unique Dream, from the slough of its commencement to the consolation and triumph of its close.

William Brock

* * *

 This book, The Holy War, has been updated and published by Aneko Press.

 Brazier is one who works with brass.
Introduction

Everyone must admit the great usefulness of remarkable accounts of the ways of God in bringing His sheep into the fold. The Bible abounds with these manifestations of divine grace, from the gentle voice that called Samuel even unto the thunder, which penetrated the soul of one who followed the church with continued hostility, calling unto him, Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me? – a voice so great and accompanied by such a flood of light as to strike the persecutor to the earth and for a time to deprive him of sight (Acts 9:4).

Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners is doubly interesting, not only as it unfolds to us how a notorious prodigal son returned home, but also how God chose, taught, and prepared him for his work in ministering to others with the gospel of Jesus Christ. Bunyan learned spiritual lessons from God that he would have never learned in all the schools and universities in the world.

It enabled a poor, sinful, miserable, uneducated rebel – a blasphemous travelling tinker – to become a most eminent preacher. Bunyan's tormenting feelings helped lead him to God and helped to direct his natural abilities for the glory of God. Bunyan's experience, life, and preaching attracted the deep attention of the most learned and pious of his contemporaries, while it carried conviction to the most impious and profane. Even beyond all this, his spiritual growth and the lessons taught to him by God molded him without scholastic learning to become the most popular, the most interesting, and the most useful of English authors. His works increase remarkably in popularity. As time rolls on and the man Bunyan lives on earth no more, his writings are still read with deeper and deeper interest.

Bunyan's account of his unique trials and temptations may have excited alarm in the minds of some young Christians that they might not actually be Christians, because they did not learn of Christ in a similar manner as Bunyan did. Please remember, my dear young Christian, that not everyone is called by God to such public Christian ministry on the level of Bunyan or Whitefield or Wesley. God prepares us individually for the tasks that He has for us in His church. It is a pleasant and profitable exercise to look back to the day when we began following Christ and to trace the operations of divine grace in lifting us out of the pit of self and sin; but the important question with us all should be not so much HOW we became enlightened, but do we NOW love Christ? Do we desire constantly to be more like Jesus? If we can honestly answer these questions in the affirmative, we are believers and can claim our part in that precious promise, Everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die (John 11:26).

God calls us and saves us in different ways. We should know that spiritual life is ours and that eternal life is a result of our new life in Christ. If we are certain that we have been made new, born again by God's Holy Spirit, it matters not whether we were called by the thunders and lightnings of Sinai, as Paul was smitten, or by the still small voice that Elijah heard (Exodus 19:16; Acts 9:3-4; 1 Kings 19:12).

The value of such a true story to a terror-stricken prodigal is clearly shown by Bunyan in his Jerusalem Sinner Saved, in one of those informal pieces of writing in which he eminently shone. Below is an excerpt from that great work:

Satan is loath to part with a great sinner.

"What, my true servant?" says Satan. "My old servant, will you forsake me now? Having so often sold yourself to me to work wickedness, will you forsake me now? You horrible wretch, do you not know that you have sinned beyond the reach of grace, and do you think that you can find mercy now? Are you not a murderer, a thief, a harlot, a witch, a sinner of the greatest size, and do you look for mercy now? Do you think that Christ will defile His fingers with you? It is enough to make angels blush," Satan says, "to see so repulsive a one knock at heaven's gate for mercy, and will you be so abominably bold to do it?"

"This is how Satan dealt with me," says the great sinner, "when I first came to Jesus Christ."

"And what did you reply?" asked the one who was being tempted.

"Why, I agreed that what was said about me was indeed true," says the other.

"And did you despair, or what did you do?"

"No," said the great sinner. "I said I am Magdalene, I am Zacchaeus, I am the thief, I am the harlot, I am the publican, I am the prodigal, and one of Christ's murderers; yes, worse than any of these, and yet God was so far off from rejecting me, as I learned later, that there was music and dancing in His house for me, and great joy that I had come home to Him."

"O blessed be God for grace," says the other, "for then I hope there is favor for me."

Grace Abounding is part of Bunyan's prison meditations and writings, and it strongly reminds us of the conversation between Christian and Hopeful on the enchanted ground as described in The Pilgrim's Progress.

Christian: "Now then, to prevent drowsiness in this place, let us have some good conversation."

Hopeful: "With all my heart."

Christian: "Where should we begin?"

Hopeful: "Where God began with us."

To prevent drowsiness and to productively pass the time, Bunyan looks back to his past experience, and the prison became his Patmos – the gate of heaven – a Bethel, in which his time was occupied in writing for the benefit of his fellow Christians. He looks back upon all the wondrous way through which the Lord had led him from the City of Destruction to Mount Zion – from being a servant of sin to becoming a servant of the Lord Jesus. While writing his own spiritual pilgrimage, the idea of The Pilgrim's Progress came to his heart and mind.

And thus it was: I writing of the way,

And race of saints, in this our gospel day,

Fell suddenly into an allegory

About their journey, and the way to glory.

As you read Grace Abounding, you can recognize the future author of The Pilgrim's Progress. It is as if you are standing beside some great sculptor and watching every movement of his chisel, having seen his design, so that at every blow some new trait of beauty in the future statue comes clearly into view.

A great difference of opinion has been expressed by learned men as to whether Bunyan's account of himself is to be understood literally, in respect to his bad conduct before his conversion, or whether he viewed himself through a glass by which his evil habits were magnified. No one can doubt his perfect honesty. He plainly narrated his bad as well as his redeeming qualities; his narrative does not appear to be exaggerated. He was the son of a traveling tinker, perhaps even a gypsy, the lowest and most despised type of person in the land. When he was under conviction for his sins and he remembered that the Israelites were once the chosen people of God, he asked his father whether he was of that race, as if he thought that his family was some unique and different sort of people. It was easy for such a boy to mix the Egyptians with the Israelites in his mind. John Bunyan was ridiculed, and his slanderers called him a witch, a fortune teller, a Jesuit, a highwayman, or some similar term. Brought up in his father's trade with his evil habits unchecked, he became a very depraved young man. When he stated his disgraceful character, it was with a solemn pledge that his account was strictly true. Probably with a view to fully satisfy his sinful tendencies, he entered the army and served among the degenerate soldiers of Charles I at the siege of Leicester.

During this time, he was ill at ease; he felt convicted of sin, of righteousness, and of judgment – without hope of mercy. This resulted in his misery and internal conflicts, perhaps the most remarkable of any upon record. His own "Giant Despair" seized him with an iron grasp. He felt himself surrounded by invisible beings and in the immediate presence of a holy God. By day, he was bewildered with tormenting visions, and by night alarming dreams presented themselves to him upon his bed. The fictitious appeared real to his terrified imagination. His excited spirit became familiar with shapeless forms and fearful powers. The sorrows of death and the pains of hell got hold of him. His internal conflict was truly horrible, and he believed that he was being tormented by demons. They whispered in his ears and pulled at his clothes. He fought back against them, struck at imaginary figures with his hands, and kicked with his feet at the destroyer.

Thoughts of the unpardonable sin tormented him. His powerful bodily frame became convulsed with agony, as if his breastbone would split and he would burst asunder like Judas (Acts 1:18). He possessed a most creative mind, providing constant nourishment to his excited state of feelings. He thought that he might lose his mind, but then a voice would rush in at the window like the noise of wind, very pleasant, and produce a great calm in his soul. His intervals of ease, however, were short; the thoughts of his sins and fear that he had sold his Savior haunted his frightened spirit. His soul became so tormented as to suggest to his mind similarities between his torment and a criminal being tortured and broken upon the wheel, a torture device used in his day. The peak of these terrors is told in Bunyan's autobiography in the following paragraph:

I seemed to be always in misery in whatever I thought or did. So one day I walked to a neighboring town and sat down upon a bench along the street. I began to think about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to. After long consideration, I lifted up my head, and it seemed to me as if the sun that shines in the heavens did not want to give light, and as if the very stones in the street and tiles upon the houses did turn themselves against me. I thought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world. It seemed to me that I was hated by them and was unfit to live among them or be a partaker of their benefits because I had sinned against the Savior.

From this deep abyss of misery, that love of Christ, which has heights and depths too great for our full understanding, laid under him the everlasting arms and raised him from the horrible pit of miry clay, when no human powers could have reached his case (Psalm 40:2). When no human could help Bunyan, God's love reached him. Dr. Cheever eloquently remarks that "It was through this valley of the shadow of death, overhung by darkness, peopled with devils resounding with blasphemy and lamentations, and passing amidst quagmires and pitfalls, close to the very mouth of hell, that Bunyan journeyed to that bright and fruitful land of Beulah, where he sojourned during the latter days of his pilgrimage." The only trace that his cruel sufferings and temptations seem to have left behind was an affectionate compassion for those who were still in the condition he had once been in.

Young Christians, you must not imagine that all these terrors are necessary before you can trust in the Savior. God, as a sovereign, calls His children to Himself in different ways. Bunyan's was a very extraordinary case, partly from his early habits and his excitable mind, which when combined, fanned a spark of such feelings into a flame. His extraordinary creative mind, softened and hallowed by this fearful experience, became ready to be greatly used by and for God.

To try to praise this narrative would be like trying to paint over pure gold, as it speaks better on its own than I could ever try to describe. I cannot help mentioning, though, among a multitude of deeply interesting passages, Bunyan's observation that upon his honest open confession of true Christian principles, severe persecution was brought upon him. They bring out our tenderest sympathy. Upon his being dragged from his home and wife and children, he says that it "has often been to me, as the pulling of my flesh from my bones. . . . My poor blind child, what sorrow you are likely to have for your portion in this world! You will be beaten and must beg, suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot now even bear that the wind should blow upon you. O, I thought I was as a man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and children; yet, as I thought about things, I knew that I must leave them all in the hands of God." How terrible must be the state of the shameful persecutor who is the cause of such sufferings to the children of the Most High God!

Most earnestly do I hope that this book, reprinted for the first time in nearly two hundred years, may be attended with God's blessing to the comfort of many despairing sinners, to the building up of the church of Christ on earth, to the extension of pure, heartfelt, genuine Christianity, and to the confusion of the persecutors. By shutting John Bunyan, the pious pilgrim, up in a dungeon, his enemies hoped to prevent his voice from being heard. His voice, by his teaching the Word of God, brought comfort to his poor neighbors. However, by persecuting Bunyan, his persecutors have caused his voice to burst the prison doors and walls wide open and have caused his words to be heard over the whole world. The Pilgrim's Progress, which he wrote in prison, has been and now is a guide to Christian pilgrims of all nations, kindreds, tribes, and people. It teaches them not to rest content in any national religion, but to personally search the Scriptures, with earnest supplications to the God of mercy and truth, that they may be guided to Christ as the Alpha and Omega of their salvation.

George Offor

* * *

 A tinker is a mender of household utensils, pans, etc. He would travel around and try to find people who needed their items repaired.
Preface

Dedicated to those who came to faith by his ministry in the Word.

Children, grace be with you. Amen. I have been taken from you in presence, so I cannot perform the duty that God has given me to do for you for your further edifying and building up in faith and holiness. However, I still care for you as a father does his children, and I continue to desire your spiritual growth and everlasting good. Now I once again, as before, from the summit of Senir and Hermon, from the dens of lions, from the mountains of leopards, do look after you all and greatly long to see your safe arrival into the desired haven (Song of Solomon 4:8).

I thank God upon every remembrance of you and rejoice, even while I remain between the teeth of the lions in the wilderness, with the grace, mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Savior, which God has bestowed upon you, with an abundance of faith and love. Your hunger and thirst to grow nearer to the Father in His Son, your tenderness of heart, your trembling at sin, and your sincere and holy conduct before both God and men refreshes me greatly. For you are our glory and joy (1 Thessalonians 2:20).

I have enclosed here a drop of that honey that I have taken out of the carcass of a lion (Judges 14:5-9). I have eaten of it myself and have been much refreshed by it. (When we first meet temptations, they are as the lion that roared at Samson, but if we overcome them, the next time we see them, we will find a nest of honey within them.) The Philistines do not understand me. In this writing, I relate to you the work of God upon my own soul, even from the very beginning until now. I share both the difficulties and the victories. God wounds, and His hands also heal (Job 5:18). It is written in the Scriptures that a father tells his sons about Your faithfulness (Isaiah 38:19). It was for this reason I lay so long at Sinai – to see the fire, the cloud, and the darkness, that I might fear the Lord all the days of my life upon earth and tell of His wondrous works to my children (Deuteronomy 4:10-11; Psalm 78:3-5).

Moses wrote of the journeys of the children of Israel from Egypt to the land of Canaan (Numbers 33:1-2). He also commanded them to remember their forty years' travel in the wilderness. You shall remember all the way which the LORD your God has led you in the wilderness these forty years, that He might humble you, testing you, to know what was in your heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not (Deuteronomy 8:2). So, this I have attempted to do, and not only this, but to publish it also, that if it is God's will, others may be reminded of what He has done for their souls, as they read of God's work in my own life.

It is profitable for Christians to often review the very beginnings of grace within their souls. It is a night to be observed for the LORD for having brought them out from the land of Egypt; this night is for the LORD, to be observed by all the sons of Israel throughout their generations (Exodus 12:42). O my God, my soul is in despair within me; Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan and the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar (Psalm 42:6). He also remembered the lion and the bear when he went to fight with the giant of Gath (1 Samuel 17:36-37).

It was Paul's usual manner, even when on trial for his life, to explain to his judges how he was converted and became a follower of Jesus (Acts 22, 24). He would think of that day and hour in which he first met God's grace, for he found it to strengthen, help, and comfort him. Come and hear, all who fear God, and I will tell of what He has done for my soul (Psalm 66:16). When God had brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea and far into the wilderness, they still had to turn around and remember the drowning of their enemies there (Numbers 14:25). For though they sang His praise before, they quickly forgot His works (Psalm 106:11-13).

In this writing of mine, you will see much of the grace of God towards me. I thank God I can consider it much, for it was greater than my sins and Satan's temptations, too. I can now with comfort recall my fears and doubts and sad months; they are as the head of Goliath in my hand. There was nothing to David like Goliath's sword, even though Goliath intended for that sword to have struck through David's bowels; for the very sight and remembrance of that sword did preach forth God's deliverance to him. Oh, the remembrance of my great sins, of my great temptations, and of my great fears of perishing forever! They bring fresh into my mind the remembrance of my great help, my great support from heaven, and the great grace that God extended to such a wretch as I.

My dear children, call to mind the former days and the years of ancient times. Remember also your songs in the night and commune with your own heart (Psalm 77:5-12). Yes, look diligently and leave no corner of your heart unsearched, for there is treasure hid, even the treasure of your first and second experience of the grace of God toward you. Remember, I say, the word that first laid hold upon you. Remember your terrors of conscience, conviction of sin, and fear of death and hell. Remember also your tears and prayers to God, how you prayed constantly for God's mercy. Do you not have a Mount Mizar to remember and to remind you of God's mercy and grace toward you? O my God, my soul is in despair within me; Therefore I remember You from the land of the Jordan and the peaks of Hermon, from Mount Mizar (Psalm 42:6). Have you forgotten the closet, the milk house, the stable, the barn, and the like, where God did visit your soul? Remember also the Word – the Word, I say, upon which the Lord caused you to hope. If you have sinned against light, if you are tempted to blaspheme, if you are down in despair, if you think God fights against you, or if heaven is hidden from your eyes, remember that it was the same way with me, your father in Christ; but out of these difficulties the Lord delivered me.

I could have written much more in this book about my temptations and troubles for sin and also of the merciful kindness and working of God in my soul. I could also have written in a more formal and scholarly style than what I have done, and I could have added to the stories to make them more fanciful, but I dared not do so. God did not find amusement in convincing me of my sin and my need for Him. The devil did not take it lightly when he was tempting me; neither did I find it to be a lighthearted thing when I sunk as into a bottomless pit, when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me. So, I will be serious in telling my story, but I will be plain and simple and tell it like it was. He who likes it let him receive it; he who does not like it let him produce something better. Farewell.

My dear children, the milk and honey are beyond this wilderness. God be merciful to you and grant that you be not slothful to go in to possess the land.

John Bunyan
Chapter 1

Rebellious Beginnings

In this account of the merciful working of God upon my soul, it would be proper to give you a little glimpse of my heritage and childhood so readers might see and understand even more clearly the goodness and kindness of God towards me.

My ancestry was common and contains nothing of importance. My father's house was of that lower class that is often considered insignificant and the lowliest of all the families in the land. I was not born into a wealthy and prestigious family. I cannot boast of having noble blood in my veins according to the flesh, but all things considered, I magnify the heavenly Majesty. Because He brought me into this world as He did, I was prepared to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ by the gospel.

Notwithstanding the poverty and seeming insignificance of my parents, it pleased God to put it into their hearts to send me to school to learn to read and write, which I did at the same level of other poor men's children. To my shame, I confess that I soon almost entirely forgot the little I learned, and that was long before the Lord worked His gracious work of conversion upon my soul.

As for my own natural life, the time that I was without God in the world was indeed according to the course of this world. . . and the spirit that is now working in the sons of disobedience (Ephesians 2:2). I was happy to be taken captive by the devil at his will (2 Timothy 2:26). Being filled with all unrighteousness, which so strongly worked in me (both in my heart and life), even when I was a child, there were not many people, especially among the youth, who were my equals in cursing, swearing, lying, and blaspheming the holy name of God.

Yes, I was so established and rooted in these things that they became second nature to me. I have sincerely considered since then that I so offended the Lord, that even in my childhood He sent fearful dreams to frighten me, and He caused me to have dreadful visions so that I might see the seriousness of my sin and turn to Him. Often, after I had spent a couple days in sin, I was greatly afflicted while asleep, with the fear and thoughts (that would not leave me) of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I then thought, tried to lure me away with them.

Also at this time I was greatly afflicted and troubled both day and night with the thoughts of the day of judgment. I trembled at the thoughts of the fearful torments of hell fire, fearing that I would end up among those devils and hellish spirits who are bound there with the chains and bonds of eternal darkness, for the judgment of the great day (Jude 1:6).

When I was a child of only nine or ten years old, these things so distressed my soul that when in the midst of my many sports and childish games and activities and when I was among my worldly friends, I was often bothered and afflicted in my mind with these thoughts; yet I did not seem to be able to let go of my sins. I was so overcome with anguish and despair of life and heaven, that I often wished either that there had been no hell or that I had been a devil – supposing they were only tormentors. I thought that if I had to go to hell, I would have rather been tormenting others than to have been tormented myself.

After a while, these terrible dreams left me, and I soon forgot about them. They were replaced by my love of pleasure. So much did I pursue self that it was as if I did not even remember my previous dreams and tormenting thoughts of sin and judgment and hell. So, with even more determination, according to the strength of nature, I fully pursued my lusts and love of the world and sin. I delighted in all transgression against the law of God, so much so that until I got married, I was the ringleader of all my companions, leading them into all manner of evil and ungodliness.

Yes, the sinful fruits and lusts of the flesh had such priority in this crude soul of mine that if a miracle of God's precious grace had not intervened, not only would I have perished by the stroke of eternal justice, but I would also have gotten into much trouble by violating the laws of this land, which bring disgrace and open shame to some people before all the world.

In these days, the thoughts of the Christian religion were very bothersome to me. I did not want to think about it myself, nor did I want anyone else to think about it. When I saw some others reading books that concerned Christian piety, I felt imprisoned and wanted to escape. Then I said unto God, Depart from us! We do not even desire the knowledge of Your ways (Job 21:14). I was not now pursuing any good thoughts. Heaven and hell were both out of sight and mind, and as for saving and damning, they were least in my thoughts. God was not in my thoughts, but I was in His: O God, it is You who knows my folly, and my wrongs are not hidden from You (Psalm 69:5).

Yet I well remember that even though I could sin with the greatest delight and ease and take pleasure in the sinfulness of my companions, even then, if I saw professing Christians sin, it would make my spirit tremble. Even though I was living in the height of sin and emptiness, my heart ached, and it hurt my spirit to hear a professing Christian swear.

God did not utterly leave me though. He followed me still – now not with convictions, but with judgments; yet even then His judgments were mixed with mercy. Once I fell into a creek by the sea and barely escaped drowning. Another time I fell out of a boat into the Bedford river, but mercy preserved me alive once again. Another time I was in the field with one of my friends, and a venomous snake passed over the road; so I, having a stick in my hand, struck it on the back. The snake was stunned, and I forced its mouth open with my stick and plucked her fangs out with my fingers. If God had not been merciful to me, I might have brought myself to my end by that act.

I also have taken notice with thanksgiving of another occasion. When I was a soldier, some of us were chosen to go to a certain place to besiege it; but, when I was just about to go, one of the other soldiers wanted to go in my place. I allowed him to go instead of me. He took my place, and coming to the siege, as he stood guard, he was shot in the head with a musket bullet and died.

Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, but none of them awakened my soul to righteousness; so I continued to sin. I grew more and more rebellious against God and even more careless of my own salvation.
Chapter 2

Marriage and Religious Desires

At this time, I got married. In God's mercy, my wife's father was a godly man. My wife and I were as poor as poor could be, not having so much household stuff as a dish or spoon between us both. However, she did have two books, The Plain Man's Pathway to Heaven and The Practice of Piety, which her father had left her when he died. I would sometimes read these two books with her, and I found some things in these books that were somewhat good and pleasing to me, but all this while I met with no conviction. My wife would often tell me what a godly man her father was and how he would reprove and correct sin, both in his house and among his neighbors, and what a strict and holy life he lived in his day, both in word and deed.

Therefore, these books that I read with my wife, though they did not reach my heart to awaken it about my sad and sinful state, they did stir within me some desires to Christianity. So, because I did not know any better, I fell in very eagerly with the religion of the times. I went to church twice a day with the best of Christians. While at church, I very devoutly spoke and sang as others did, yet I kept my wicked life. I was so overcome with a spirit of superstition that I adored with great devotion all things regarding the church – the high place where the sermon was preached, the priest, the clerk, the religious clothing that priests wore, the church service, and anything else belonging to the church. I considered all things holy that were in the church, and I especially thought that the priest and clerk were most happy and without doubt greatly blessed, because I thought they were the servants of God and the main workers in the holy temple to do His work therein.

This admiration quickly grew so strong upon my spirit that had I but seen a priest, even if I knew that he was degenerate and corrupt, I would humble myself before him, reverencing him, and feel a sort of bond of kinship with him. Yes, I had so much love and respect for them, supposing they were the ministers of God, that I could have lain down at their feet and been trampled by them without regret, as their title, their clothing, and work so captivated and charmed me.

After I had felt this way for some time, another thought came into my mind – whether we were of the Israelites or not. Finding in the Scriptures that they were once the chosen people of God, I thought that if I were one of the Israelites, my soul would have to be glad. I found within me a great longing to have this question answered, but did not know how I could find the answer. At last I asked my father about it, and he told me that no, we were not of the Israelites. Then my spirit fell as to the hope of that, and so it remained.

Bunyan and his wife read her father's books
Chapter 3

Conviction, Conscience, and Outward Appearances

All this time, I was not aware of the danger and evil of sin. I never considered that sin would damn me to eternal hell, no matter what religion I followed, unless I was found in Christ. No, I never thought of Him, nor whether He even existed. Thus man wanders around while spiritually blind, but tires himself out seeking the empty things of this world, for he does not know the way to the city of God (Ecclesiastes 10:15).

But one day, among all the sermons our preacher made, his subject pertained to the Sabbath day and the evil of not keeping that day holy, whether by work, sports, or anything else. Despite my religion, I was one who took much delight in all manner of sin, especially on the Lord's Day. I was convicted of my sin under his sermon, thinking and believing that he made that sermon on purpose to show me my evil ways. I then felt what guilt was, though I never did before that I can remember; but after that sermon, I felt guilty and so went home with a great burden upon my spirit.

Bunyan hears a voice from heaven

For an instant, this caused me to lose the desire for sin and caused my former pleasures to seem bitter to me, but behold, it did not last long. Before I had finished eating, the burden began to leave me and my heart returned to its old ways. How glad I was that this grief was gone from me and that the fire was put out, that I might sin again without guilt. So, after I had finished eating, I shook the sermon out of my mind and returned with great delight to my old custom of sports and games on the Lord's Day.

The same day, as I was in the middle of a game of cat, just as I was about to strike the cat the second time, I suddenly heard a voice from heaven in my soul that said, "Will you leave your sins and go to heaven or keep your sins and go to hell?" At this I was as if in a daze; I left my cat upon the ground, looked up to heaven, and with the eyes of my understanding, I seemed to see the Lord Jesus looking down upon me. He was fiercely displeased with me and seemed to threaten me with some grievous punishment for these and my other ungodly practices.

I had no sooner understood this in my mind when suddenly I saw my sins before my face and realized that I had been a complete and terrible sinner, and that it was now too late for me to seek eternal life. I thought that Christ would not forgive me nor pardon my transgressions. I started considering this, and while I was thinking about it and fearing that this was true, I felt my heart sink in despair, concluding it was too late for me. Therefore, I resolved in my mind that I would continue in sin, for I thought that if it were true that Christ would not forgive me for my wicked life, my situation was certainly miserable. I would be miserable if I left my sins and miserable if I continued in them. If I had no choice but to be damned to hell, then I thought that I might as well be damned for many sins instead of a few.

So I stood in the middle of the game with all the others standing around, but I told them nothing of my thoughts and feelings. I firmly decided to return to my sport, and I well remember that soon my soul was so full of despair that I was certain I could never find any comfort except what I found in sin. I had no hope of ever getting into heaven, so I did not want to consider that. Instead, I found within me a great desire to take my fill of sin, still trying to find what sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste the sweetness of it. I rushed headlong into all manner of sin, being fearful that I would die before I had tried every sin. In these things, I declare before God that I am not lying, exaggerating, or making these things up. These were really, strongly, and with all my heart, my desires. May the good Lord, whose mercy is unsearchable, forgive me for my transgressions.

I am very confident that this kind of temptation from the devil is more usual among us sinful creatures than many are aware of, even to overrun our spirits with a low and withered frame of heart and a dull conscience. While we are in this state of mind, Satan cunningly and deceitfully supplies us with such despair that even though we are not full of guilt, we continually conclude that there is no hope for us. We have loved sins, and therefore after them we will go (Jeremiah 2:25; 18:12).

Therefore I continued in sin and pursued it, yet still not content that I could not sin even more. This way of life continued with me about a month or more, but one day as I was standing at a neighbor's shop window cursing and swearing and acting foolishly, as I often did, the woman of the house was sitting nearby. She heard me, and though she was a very immoral and ungodly woman, she objected that I swore and cursed as much as I did, because it made her tremble to hear me. Furthermore, she said that I was the ungodliest fellow for swearing that she ever heard in all her life, and that by doing so, I would ruin every youth in the whole town if they simply came near me.

At this reproof I was silenced and put to shame, not only before others, but I was ashamed of myself before the God of heaven. Therefore, while I stood there with my head hanging down, I wished with all my heart that I might be a little child again, that my father might teach me to speak without this wicked way of swearing. I was so used to my way of speech and life that I thought it was pointless for me to think of changing, for I thought it could never happen.

I do not know how it happened, but from this time forward I stopped swearing. I was amazed that whereas before I did not know how to speak without profanity, now I could speak without foul language, and I could speak better and more pleasantly than ever before. All this time, though, I did not yet know Jesus Christ, and neither did I leave my sports and other amusements.

Soon after this, however, I fell in company with one particular man who professed to be a Christian. I then thought that he talked pleasantly of the Scriptures and of the matters of religion, and beginning to somewhat like what he said, I started to read my Bible and to enjoy reading it – especially the historical parts. As for Paul's epistles and biblical writings of that nature, I could not understand them, as I was yet ignorant both of the corruption of my nature and of the importance and necessity of having Jesus Christ save me.

I changed somewhat outwardly, both in my words and in my life, and thought I might get to heaven if I kept the Ten Commandments. I sincerely strived to keep those commandments, and I thought I kept them pretty well sometimes, which helped provide me with some comfort. Yet every once in a while I broke one of the commandments, and my conscience was then greatly troubled. When that happened, I would repent, tell God that I was sorry, and promise Him that I would do better next time. That brought me some comfort, and I thought I pleased God as well as any man in England.

I continued in this way for about a year. All that time our neighbors thought that I was a very godly man, a new and religious man, and they were amazed to see such a great and prominent change in my life and manners. Indeed, I thought so too. As I said, this continued for about a year. I have since realized, that even though I was sincere and I changed outwardly and tried to keep the Ten Commandments, I did not yet know Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope. If I had died then, I would have been lost forever without Jesus and would have had a fearful eternity.

But as I said, my neighbors were amazed at the great change in me, from one of the worst sinners to living a somewhat good and moral life. They might well have thought this, for my conversion was as great as for Tom of Bedlam to become a sober man. Now, therefore, those who knew me began to praise and commend me and to speak well of me, both to my face and behind my back. I had become, as they said, godly; I had become a right honest man. When I understood that these were their words and opinions of me, it pleased me very much. For though as yet I was nothing but a poor painted hypocrite, yet I loved to be talked about as being truly godly. I was proud of my godliness, and indeed I did all that I did either to be seen by others or to be spoken well of by them. I continued in this way for about a year.

Before this I had taken much delight in ringing the church bell, but my conscience was beginning to become tender, and I thought such practice was vain. Therefore, I forced myself to quit, but I could not get the desire out of my mind. I would go to the steeple house and look at it, though I dared not ring the bell. I did not think this was right, but I forced myself and would look on still. Soon after, I began to think that one of the bells might fall on me. Then I chose to stand under a main beam that lay over the steeple from side to side, thinking that I might stand safely there, but then I thought that if the bell would fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall and then bounce off the wall and kill me. This caused me to stand in the steeple door, where I thought I would be safe enough, for if a bell would fall, I could slip out behind these thick walls and be safe.

After this, I would still go to see them ring, but would not go farther than the steeple door. Then I started to wonder what would happen if the steeple itself should fall. This thought that the steeple might fall when I was standing there watching the bells being rung did so continually shake my mind that I did not dare to stand at the steeple door any longer, but was forced to flee, for fear that the steeple would fall upon my head.

Another thing that I thought was displeasing to God was my dancing. It was a full year before I stopped that practice, but all this time, when I thought I had kept this or that commandment or did by word or deed anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in my conscience. I would then think to myself that God must now be pleased with me. Yes, I thought no man in England could please God better than I.

But poor wretch as I was, I was all this time ignorant of Jesus Christ, and I was going about to establish my own righteousness (Romans 10:3). I would have perished in my own righteousness if God, in His mercy, had not shown me more of my sinful nature.

Bunyan at the steeple

* * *

 Tip cat, or cat, is an ancient English game, thus described in Strutt's Sports and Pastimes: The game of cat was played with a short, heavy club about three feet long, and a "cat," a piece of wood about six inches long and two inches thick, tapered at the ends to form a double cone. With the cat placed on the ground, the player strikes it on one end, causing the other end of the cat to rise up high enough for him to strike it. Variations of the game included guessing the distance that the cat flew, scoring points depending upon which number was up on a four-sided cat, and running around bases as the cat was being retrieved.

 Tom of Bedlam refers to an old song about a drunkard.

 This likely refers to ringing the church bell at times other than when it was intended to be rung or for non-church events.
Chapter 4

Conversion

One day the good will of God led me to Bedford to do some work there. In one of the streets of that town, there were three or four poor women sitting at a door in the sun and talking about the things of God. Wanting to hear their conversation, I moved closer to them to hear what they were saying, for I now enjoyed discussions about religious matters. I heard what they were saying, but I did not understood, for they were speaking of things too high for me. They were talking about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, and how they were convinced that they were condemned sinners from birth. They talked about how God had visited their souls with His love in the Lord Jesus and with what words and promises they had been refreshed, comforted, and supported against the temptations of the devil. Moreover, they reasoned about the suggestions and temptations of Satan in particular, telling each other how they had been afflicted and how they held up under his assaults. They also discussed their own wretchedness of heart, their unbelief, and how they condemned, spurned, and abhorred their own righteousness as filthy and insufficient to do them any good (Isaiah 64:6).

Bunyan listens to the poor women of Bedford

It seemed to me as if they spoke with hearts full of joy. They spoke with such pleasantness of Scripture language and with such appearance of grace in all they said that they seemed to me as if they had found a new world, as if they were people who lived separately and were not to be counted among their neighbors (Numbers 23:9).

At this I felt my own heart begin to shake, as I doubted my condition, for I saw that in all my thoughts about religion and salvation, the new birth never entered into my mind. I did not know the comfort of the Word and God's promises nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wicked heart. As for secret thoughts, I took no notice of them, nor did I understand what Satan's temptations were or how they were to be withstood and resisted.

When I had heard and considered what they said, I left them and got back to work, but their talk and manner of conversation stayed with me. My heart, too, stayed with them, for I was greatly affected by their words, both because by their words I was convinced that I lacked the evidence of a truly godly man and also because I was convinced of the happy and blessed condition of those who are godly.

I often made it my business then to go into the company of these poor people again and again, for I could not stay away. The more I went among them, the more I questioned my spiritual condition. I still remember that I soon found two things within me that caused me to marvel, especially considering what a blind, ignorant, shameful, and ungodly wretch I recently was. The one was a very great softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fall under the conviction of what they asserted according to Scripture. The other was a great tendency in my mind to continually meditate on this and on all other good things, which I heard or read of at any time.

My mind was now so turned by these things that it lay like a horseleech at the vein, crying out, Give, give (Proverbs 30:15). Yes, my mind was so fixed on eternity and on the things of the kingdom of heaven (that is, as far as I knew, though God knows that I knew but little) that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, nor threats could loosen it or make it let go of its hold. And though I may speak it with shame, yet it is certainly true that it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mind from heaven to earth, as I have found it often since to get it again from earth to heaven.

One thing I must not omit: There was a young man in our town who was my closest friend, but he was a most wicked person for cursing and swearing and immorality, so I now avoided him and did not do anything with him. About three months after I had left him, I met him in a certain lane, and I asked him how he was doing. In his old swearing and crazy way, he answered that he was well. "But, Harry," I asked, "why do you swear and curse as you do? What will become of you if you die in this condition?"

Irritated, he answered, "What would the devil do for company, if it were not for people like me?"

About this time I came across some Ranters' books that were given out by some of our countrymen. The books were also highly recommended by several older people who professed to be Christians. I read some of these books but was not able to make a judgment about them, so as I read them and thought about what was written and feeling that I was unable to judge, I began to pray much about it in this manner: "O Lord, I am a fool and not able to know the truth from error. Lord, leave me not to my own blindness, either to approve of or to condemn this doctrine. If it is of You, let me not despise it; if it is of the devil, let me not embrace it. Lord, I lay my soul in this matter at Your feet. Let me not be deceived, I humbly ask You."

I had one close religious friend all this time, and he was the man I spoke of before; but about this time he became a most devilish Ranter and gave himself up to all manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness. He also denied that there was a God, angel, or spirit, and he would laugh at all exhortations to sobriety. When I attempted to rebuke his wickedness, he would laugh even more and pretend that he had considered all religions but never found the right one until now. He also told me that I would soon see all who professed to be Christians turn to the ways of the Ranters. Therefore, intensely disagreeing with his new beliefs, I immediately left his company and became to him as great a stranger as I had before been his companion.

This man was not just a temptation to me, but since I worked in the country, I met several other people who, though they used to be strict in religion, were also swept away by these Ranters. These people would talk with me of their new beliefs and condemn me as legalistic and blinded to truth, believing as if only they had attained to perfection and could do whatever they wanted and it would not be sin.

These temptations were suitable to my flesh, I being but a young man and my nature in its prime; but God, who I hope had designed me for better things, kept me in the fear of His name and did not allow me to accept such cursed beliefs. Blessed be God, who put it into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and directed, as I was still distrusting my own wisdom. I have since seen the effect of that prayer in His preserving me not only from ranting errors but from other errors that have sprung up since. The Bible was precious to me in those days.

I began to look into the Bible with new eyes and read as I never did before. The epistles of the apostle Paul were especially sweet and pleasant to me, and indeed, I was never then out of the Bible, either by reading or meditation. I was crying out to God that I might know the truth and the way to heaven and glory.

As I continued to read, I came upon that passage, For to one is given the word of wisdom through the Spirit, and to another the word of knowledge according to the same Spirit; to another faith by the same Spirit, and to another gifts of healing by the one Spirit (1 Corinthians 12:8-9). And though, as I have since seen, that by these verses the Holy Spirit intends extraordinary and special things, I was convicted by these verses that I lacked even the basic things – even that understanding and wisdom that other Christians had.

I thought much about this and did not know what to do, especially about this word faith, for I could not help but sometimes question whether I had any faith or not. I feared that my lack of true faith kept me from all the blessings that other good people were given by God. I did not want to conclude that I had no faith in my soul, for then I would need to count myself as cast away from God for sure.

No, I said to myself. Though I am convinced that I am an ignorant fool and that I lack those blessed gifts of knowledge and understanding that other good people have, I reckon that I am not altogether faithless, though I know not what faith is. For it was shown to me, and that too by Satan, as I have since seen, that those who consider themselves to be in a faithless state have neither rest nor quiet in their souls, and I was unwilling to fall into despair.

By these thoughts, I was for a while afraid to see my lack of faith, but God would not allow me to undo and destroy my soul in this way. He continually, contrary to my blind and sad conclusion, created within me the possibility that I could not rest content until I knew for certain whether or not I had faith, since I might in this deceive myself. This was always running through my mind. What can be done if I did not have faith? How can I tell if I had faith? Also, I knew for sure that if I did not have true faith, I was sure to perish forever.

Even though at first I was willing to overlook the subject of faith, after considering things further, I was willing to pursue the matter and see whether or not I had faith. But sadly, I was so ignorant and crude that I did not know how to see if I had faith any more than I knew how to begin to create a rare and unusual piece of art that I had never before seen or considered.

While I was considering what to do and as I was determined to find out if I had faith (I had not yet told anyone what I was trying to do), the tempter came in with his delusion that there was no way for me to know if I had faith except by trying to work some miracle. Satan, wanting to strengthen the temptation and succeed, urged me with those Bible verses that seem to look that way. One day as I was between Elstow and Bedford, I was greatly tempted to try some miracle to see if I had faith. The miracle that I considered at that time was that I must command the puddles that were in the horse pads to be dry, and command the dry places to become puddles.

Truly, one time I was going to say so indeed, but just as I was about to speak, the thought came into my mind that I should first go over to a nearby hedge and pray that God would make me able. But when I had decided to pray, the thought was impressed upon me that if I prayed and then tried to do it and nothing happened, then I would be sure that I had no faith but was cast away from God and lost. No, I thought. If that could happen, then I will not try it yet, but will wait a little longer.

So I continued at a great loss as to know what to do. I thought that if only people who had faith could do such wonderful things, then I decided that for now, I neither had it nor was likely ever to have it. Thus, I was tossed between the devil and my own ignorance and was so perplexed at times that I did not know what to do.

About this time, I had a dream about the state and happiness of these poor people at Bedford. I saw them as if they were on the sunny side of some high mountain, refreshing themselves with the pleasant beams of the sun, while I was shivering in the cold, afflicted with frost, snow, and dark clouds. I thought, also, that I saw a wall around this mountain that was between them and me. I greatly desired to get on the other side of the wall, willing even to be in the very midst of them if I could comfort myself with the heat of their sun.

I went up and down the length of the wall trying to find some way to get on the other side, but I could find no way to do so. At last I saw a narrow gap, like a little doorway in the wall, through which I attempted to pass; but the passage was very tight and narrow. I made many efforts to get in, but all in vain, and I became exhausted from striving to get in. Finally, with much striving and effort, I got my head through the opening, then my shoulders, and after much effort, my whole body. I was very glad, and I went and sat down in the midst of them and was comforted with the light and heat of their sun.

This mountain and wall in my dream had meaning. The mountain signified the church of the living God. The sun that shone represented the comfortable shining of His merciful face on those who were there. The wall, I thought, was the Word that separated the Christians and the world. The gap which was in this wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ, who is the way to God the Father (John 14:6; Matthew 7:14). But inasmuch as the passage was extremely narrow, even so narrow that I could not enter in except with great difficulty, it showed me that no one could enter into eternal life except those who were intensely sincere and earnest and who also would leave this wicked world behind them. There was only room for body and soul, but not for body and soul and sin.

* * *

 The Ranters seem to be a group of dissenters from the established Church of England who were regarded as heretical. Some views attributed to them were the denial of the authority of churches, the Scriptures, and the sacraments, freedom from law and obedience, and they were associated with a lack of morals. They held the belief that God is in every creature.
Chapter 5

Confusion

These thoughts of faith and lack of faith stayed with me many days, and all that time I saw myself in a miserable and disheartened condition, yet I had a strong hunger and desire to be one of those who sat in the sunshine. I would also pray wherever I was, whether at home or out, in house or field. As I lifted my heart, I would often sing the song of the fifty-first Psalm, which said, "O Lord, consider my distress," for I did not yet know where I was spiritually.

Neither could I find assurance or convince myself that I had faith in Christ, but instead of having peace, I began to find my soul assaulted with fresh doubts about my future happiness, especially with questions such as: Am I one of the elect? What would happen to me if the day of grace should now be past and gone and I had rejected Jesus Christ?

By these two temptations I was very much afflicted and troubled, sometimes by one and sometimes by the other. Even though I was desperate to find the way to heaven and glory, and nothing could shake me from this pursuit, the question of whether or not I was one of the elect so distressed and discouraged me that at times it was as if the very strength of my body had been taken away by the force and power of the question. This Bible verse also seemed to always enter my thoughts: So then it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy (Romans 9:16).

I did not know what to do about this verse, for I clearly saw that unless the great God, out of His infinite grace and bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, even though I should desire and long and labor until my heart broke, no good could come of it. Therefore, these thoughts constantly troubled me: How can you tell that you are elected? What if you are not? What then?

"O Lord," I thought, "what if I really am not one of the elect?"

"It may be that you are not," said the tempter.

"It may be so, indeed," I thought.

"Well, then," said Satan, "you had better quit pursuing God and strive no further; for if, indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, you cannot be saved; for it does not depend on the man who wills or the man who runs, but on God who has mercy."

By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what to say or how to answer these temptations. Indeed, I did not much consider that Satan had assaulted me, but rather I thought that I was being prudent to ask these questions. I was certain that only the elect attained eternal life, but the great question for me was how to find out if I was one of the elect.

For several days, therefore, I was greatly assaulted and perplexed, and often when I was walking, I was ready to collapse to the ground with faintness of mind. But one day, after I had been oppressed and cast down with this difficulty for so many weeks, as I was about ready to give up all hope of ever attaining eternal life, that sentence fell with weight upon my spirit, "Look at the generations of old, and see; did ever any trust in the Lord, and was confounded?" (Ecclesiasticus 2:10 KJV).

When I thought on that, I was greatly lightened and encouraged in my soul, for at that very instant, I saw the need to start at the beginning of Genesis and read to the end of the book of Revelation and see if I could find if there was ever anyone who trusted in God but was disappointed and rejected by Him. So, arriving home, I immediately went to my Bible to see if I could find that verse, certain that I would quickly find it, for it was so fresh and came upon me with such strength and comfort on my spirit that it was as if it talked with me.

Well, I looked, but I could not find it, although I could not help but constantly think about it. I then first asked one good man and then another if they knew where it was, but they knew no such verse. At this I wondered that such a sentence should so suddenly and with such comfort and strength seize and abide upon my heart, and yet no one could find it, though I was certain that it was in the Holy Scriptures.

I continued to search for that verse for more than a year, but could not find it anywhere in the Bible. At last, looking into the Apocrypha, I found it in Ecclesiasticus. This at first somewhat unsettled me, but because by this time I had experienced more of the love and kindness of God, it troubled me less. When I considered that though the verse was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical, I could find comfort in it, as this sentence was the sum and substance of many of the promises in the Bible. I bless God for that word, for it was of God to me. At times that word still shines before my face.

After this, that other doubt came with strength upon me. What if the day of grace for me was already past and gone? What if I had rejected the time of mercy for too long? I remember one day as I was walking into the country, I thought about this. What if the day of grace was past? To aggravate my trouble, the tempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford and suggested to me that these people were already converted, and they were all whom God would save in this part of the country – that I had come too late, for these others had gotten the blessing before I came.

I was now in great distress, thinking that this might very well be so. Therefore, I went up and down mourning my sad condition, counting myself far worse than a thousand fools for staying away from God so long and spending so many years in sin as I had done. I cried out, "Oh, that I had turned to God sooner. Oh, that I had turned to Him seven years ago!" It also made me angry with myself to think that I should have had no more wisdom but to have wasted away my time until my soul and heaven were lost.

When I had been long troubled with this fear and was hardly able to take one more step, at about the same place where I received my other encouragement, these words broke in upon my mind: Still there is room, and Compel them to come in, so that my house may be filled (Luke 14:22-23). These words, but especially Still there is room, were sweet words to me, for truly they showed me that there was room enough in heaven for me. Moreover, I thought that when the Lord Jesus spoke these words, He was thinking of me, and knowing that the time would come when I would be afraid there was no place left for me in His bosom, He spoke this word and recorded it that I might find help and comfort against this vile temptation. This, I then truly believed.

In the light and encouragement of this word, I continued a while. I was comforted more when I thought about the Lord Jesus thinking about me so long ago and that He should speak those words on purpose for my sake. I then truly believed that He had spoken those words long ago on purpose to encourage me.

But I was not without temptation to go back again to my former way of thinking. Temptation came from Satan, from my own heart, and from worldly acquaintances, but I thank God that these were outweighed by the realization that death and the day of judgment lay ahead; these thoughts were constantly on my mind. I also often thought about Nebuchadnezzar, of whom it is said that God had given him all the kingdoms of the earth. Yet I thought that if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in hell fire would make him forget it all; this consideration was a great help to me.

About this time, I almost saw something concerning the animals that Moses called clean and unclean. I thought those animals represented types of people: the clean, as types of the people of God; but the unclean, as types of the children of the wicked one. Now, I read that the clean animals chewed the cud; that is, I thought, they show us that we must feed upon the Word of God. They also parted the hoof. I thought that signified that if we would be saved, we must part with the ways of ungodly men. Also, in further reading about them, I learned that although we chewed the cud as the hare, if we walked with claws like a dog or if we had parted hooves like the swine but did not chew the cud as the sheep, we were still unclean (Deuteronomy 14). I thought this to be a type of those who talk of the Word, but walk in the ways of sin. The swine was like those who part with outward sin but still lack the Word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, no matter how devout and religious someone is. After this I learned, by reading the Word, that those who were to be glorified with Christ in the next world must be called by Him here first. They must be called to partake in His Word and righteousness, to the comforts and firstfruits of His Spirit, and to a distinct interest in all those heavenly things which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest and house of glory which is in heaven above.

Here again I was at a great standstill, not knowing what to do and afraid that I was not called by God. I thought if I was not called, nothing could do me any good. None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh, how I now loved those words that spoke of a Christian's calling, as when the Lord said to one, "Follow Me," and to another, "Come after Me." And oh, I thought that if He would say that to me, how gladly I would run after Him!

I cannot now express with what longings and breakings in my soul I cried out to Christ to call me. I continued in this way for a while, all on fire to be converted to Jesus Christ. I also saw such glory in a converted state that I could not be content without being part of it. Gold! If I could have bought it for gold, I would have paid any price! I would have traveled over the entire world ten thousand times if that would have brought conversion to my soul.

How lovely now in my eyes were all those who I thought were converted! They shone, and they walked like people who carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a beautiful inheritance (Psalm 16:6). But that which troubled me was about Christ in Mark: He went up on the mountain and summoned those whom He Himself wanted, and they came to Him (Mark 3:13).

This verse made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear was the thought that Christ had no intention of calling me, for he called those whom He Himself wanted. But oh, the glory that I saw in that condition so engaged my heart that I could seldom read of anyone whom Christ had called but I wished that I had been in their place. If only I had been born Peter or John! If I had been near Him and heard Him when He called them, how I would have cried out, "O Lord, call me also!" But I feared He would not call me.

The Lord let me go on like this for many months and showed me nothing. I did not know if I was already called or if I ever would be if I was not already. But at last, after much time and after much fervent prayer to God that I might be made a partaker of the holy and heavenly calling, that word came in upon me: And I will avenge their blood which I have not avenged, for the LORD dwells in Zion (Joel 3:21). I believe that these words were sent to encourage me to continue waiting upon God. They signified to me that if I were not already converted, the time might come when I might truly be converted unto Christ.
Chapter 6

Confession and Comfort

It was about this time when I began to tell the people in Bedford about my struggles and condition. When they heard, they told Mr. Gifford about me, who then spoke with me. He seemed willing to think that I was converted, though I do not think he had much reason to think so. However, he invited me to his house, where I could hear him discuss with others about the dealings of God with the soul. From all this, I came under even more conviction of heart, and from that time I began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart, for as yet I did not know that.

As I began to see more of the wickedness of my heart, I found that lusts and corruptions would strongly be found in me, too, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not pay attention to before. My desires also for heaven and eternal life began to fail. I found that whereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now my heart began to desire every foolish vanity. My heart would not be moved to do what was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and of heaven. It would now delay in every duty and was as a weight on the leg of a bird to hinder it from flying.

I thought that I was now growing worse and worse. I thought I was further from conversion than ever before, and I began to sink in my soul and to entertain such discouragement in my heart as laid me as low as hell. If I would have been now burned at a stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me. I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor savor any of His things. I was driven as with a tempest. My heart would be unclean, and the Canaanites would dwell in the land.

Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of God, who, when they heard me, would pity me and tell me of the promises; but they might as well have told me that I must reach the sun with my finger as have urged me to receive or rely upon the promise of the Word of God. As soon as I considered believing, all my sense and feeling was against me, and I saw that I had a heart that would sin and was condemned by God's law.

These things often made me think of that child whom the father brought to Christ, who, while he was yet coming to Him, was thrown down by the devil and was so rent and torn by him that he convulsed on the ground, foaming at the mouth (Luke 9:42; Mark 9:20).

Further, in these days my heart would close itself up against the Lord and against His holy Word. My unbelief set, as it were, the shoulder to the door to keep Him out, even though I would cry out with bitter sighs, Good Lord, break it open; Lord, break these gates of bronze and cut bars of iron asunder (Psalm 107:16). Sometimes this word would create in my heart a peaceable pause: I will gird you, though you have not known Me (Isaiah 45:5).

But all this time I was never more tender to the act of sinning than now. My conscience was now sore and would hurt at every touch. I could not now tell how to speak my words for fear I would say something wrong. Oh, how tenderly I proceeded in all I did or said! I found myself as on a miry bog that shook if I did but move. It seemed as if God and Christ and the Spirit, and all good things had gone.

But, I observe, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me. Only He showed me that I was lost if I did not have Christ, because I had been a sinner. I saw that I needed a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God, and this righteousness was nowhere to be found, except in the person of Jesus Christ.

But it was my original and inward pollution, my sinful nature, that was my plague and my affliction, that always showed itself within me at a dreadful rate. To my amazement, I had so much guilt that I was more loathsome in my own eyes than was a toad – and I thought I was so in God's eyes too. Sin and corruption would as naturally bubble out of my heart as water would bubble out of a fountain. I now thought that everyone had a better heart than I had. I would have changed hearts with anybody. I thought none but the devil himself could equal me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell deep into despair, therefore, at the sight of my own vileness, for I concluded that I could not receive God's grace in the condition that I was in. Certainly, I thought, I was forsaken by God; certainly I was given up to the devil and to a reprobate mind. I continued in this condition a long while, even for some years together.

While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own damnation, there were two things that made me wonder. One was when I saw older people pursuing the things of this life, as if they should always live here; the other was when I saw professing Christians much distressed and cast down when they met with outward losses such as a husband, wife, or child. I thought what bother there is here about such things as these! What seeking after worldly things by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! If they labor after and spend so many tears for the things of this present life, how much more should they be distressed over, pity, and pray for me, as my soul is dying and condemning me. If I was sure that my soul was in a good condition, how rich I would esteem myself, though blessed with only bread and water. I would count those but small afflictions and would bear them as little burdens. But as for a broken spirit who can bear it? (Proverbs 18:14).

Though I was thus troubled, tossed, and afflicted with the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and sense leave my mind. I found that unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way – by the blood of Christ – a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than better. Wherefore, if my guilt lay heavy upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off; if my guilt was going away without the blood of Jesus (for the sense of sin would sometimes seem as if it would die and go away), then I would also strive to bring it back upon my heart again by recalling the punishment for sin in hell fire that I deserved. I would cry, "Lord, let not the guilt go away from my heart, unless it goes away the right way – by the blood of Christ and by the application of Your mercy, through Jesus, to my soul." Hebrews 9:22 was often on my mind: Without shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. I was more afraid because I had seen some people who, when they were under wounds of conscience, would cry and pray, but they were seeking temporary ease from their trouble rather than pardon for their sin. They did not care how they lost their guilt as long as they got it out of their mind; therefore, having got rid of it the wrong way, it did not bring them near to Christ, but they grew harder and blinder and more wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid and made me cry to God even more that it might not be so with me.

Now I was sorry that God had made me, for I feared I was a reprobate. I believe that an unconverted person is the most miserable of all creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about by my sad condition, I counted myself alone and the most unblessed of men.

Indeed, I thought it impossible that I would ever attain so much goodness of heart as to thank God that He had made me a human being. Man, indeed, of all creatures in the visible world, is the most noble by creation, but by sin he had made himself the most ignoble. The beasts, birds, fishes, and the rest – I blessed their condition, for they did not have a sinful nature. They were not offensive to the wrath of God. They were not going to go to hell fire after death. I could therefore have rejoiced if my condition had been as any of theirs.

I continued in this condition for a great while, but when I thought I would find comfort, I heard someone preach a sermon upon those words in Song of Solomon 4:1: How beautiful you are, my darling, how beautiful you are! But at that time he made these two words, My darling, his main subject matter, and after he had explained the text a little, he preached from these points:

  1. Christ loves the church and so loves every saved soul, even when seemingly loveless.
  2. Christ loves without a cause.
  3. Christ loves when hated by the world.
  4. Christ loves when we are under temptation and under desertion.
  5. Christ loves from first to last.

I got nothing out of what he was saying until he came to the application of the fourth point. He then said that if it is true that Christ loves the saved soul when it is under temptation and desertion, then when the poor tempted soul is assaulted and afflicted with temptation and God's face seems to be hidden, yet they should still think on these two words: My darling.

As I was going home, these words came into my thoughts again. I well remember that as they came in, I said in my heart, What can I gain by thinking on these two words? This thought had no sooner passed through my heart, but the words began to kindle in my spirit, "You are My love; you are My love," twenty times together. As they ran through my mind, they grew stronger and warmer and began to make me look up. But being as yet between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, But is it true; but is it true? That sentence then fell upon me, He did not know that what was being done by the angel was real (Acts 12:9).

I then began to give place to the Word, which powerfully made this joyful sound within my soul over and over again: "You are My love; you are My love, and nothing shall separate you from My love." With that, Romans 8:38-39 came into my mind: For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

My heart was now full of comfort and hope, and I could now believe that my sins would be forgiven me. Yes, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of God that I remember I could not tell how to contain myself until I got home. I thought I could have spoken of His love and of His mercy to me even to the very crows that sat upon the plowed lands before me, if they would have been able to understand me. Wherefore I said in my soul with much gladness that I wish I had a pen and ink here, for I would write this down before I go any farther, for surely I want to remember this forty years from now. But, alas, within less than forty days, I began to question everything again.

Even though I had lost much of the life and savor of that day, I still had hope and reason to believe that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul. Now about a week or so after this, I kept thinking of the verse, Simon, Simon, behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat (Luke 22:31). Sometimes it would sound so loud within me and call so strongly after me that once I even turned my head over my shoulder, thinking that someone behind me had called to me. I have since realized that it stirred me up to prayer and watchfulness and was sent to prepare me for a coming cloud and a storm, but I did not then understand it.

Also, as I recall, the time it called to me so loudly was the last time that it sounded in my ear; but I can still remember with what a loud voice these words, Simon, Simon, sounded in my ears. I really thought that somebody had called after me who was half a mile behind me, and although Simon was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he who called so loudly was calling me.

I was so foolish and ignorant, though, that I did not understand the reason of this sound, which was sent from heaven as an alarm to awaken me to prepare for what was coming. It made me think and wonder in my mind why this Bible verse so often and so loudly sounded and rattled in my ears; but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the hand of God in it.
Chapter 7

Conflict and Hope

For about the next month, a great storm came down upon me, which was twenty times worse than all I had met with before. It came stealing up on me, first by one piece, then by another. First, all my comfort was taken from me, then darkness seized upon me, after which whole floods of blasphemies against God, Christ, and the Scriptures were poured upon my spirit to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts stirred up questions in me against the very being of God and His only beloved Son – such as whether there really was a God, or Christ, and whether the Holy Scriptures were not a fable and clever story rather than the holy and pure Word of God.

The tempter would also assault me much by asking me how I knew that the Muslims did not have as good scriptures to prove that their Mohammed was the savior, as we have to prove our Jesus is. And did I really think that so many ten thousands, in so many countries and kingdoms, were without the knowledge of the right way to heaven? Did I really think that if there were indeed a heaven, that only we who live in one small part of the earth were blessed with this knowledge? Everyone thinks his own religion is the best and most correct, including Jews and Moors and pagans. What if all our faith, and Christ, and Scriptures are that which we only think is right?

Sometimes I have tried to argue against these thoughts and to set some of the sentences of the apostle Paul against them, but when I did so, I quickly felt such arguments would return again upon me. Though we made so great a deal of Paul and of his words, yet how could I tell that he, such a wise and cunning man, was not deceiving others with strong delusions and also taking much effort and travel to undo and destroy the arguments of his fellows?

These suggestions (with many others which at this time I may not, and dare not, utter either by word or pen) did take such a hold upon my spirit and did so much oppress my heart with their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me. Indeed, it seemed as if there could be room for nothing else. I concluded that in His wrath to my soul, God had given me up unto them to be carried away with them as with a mighty whirlwind.

Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit did I refuse to embrace these thoughts. But I had this consideration only when God allowed me a moment of rest and peace. Otherwise, the noise and strength and force of these temptations would drown everything out and overflow and cause me to forget my hope of peace in Jesus Christ. While I was in this temptation, I would often find myself suddenly desiring to curse and swear or to speak some grievous thing against God, or Christ, His Son, and of the Scriptures.

I now thought that I must certainly be possessed by the devil. At other times, I thought I would lose my mind, for instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord with others if I had only heard Him spoken of, immediately some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him. Whether I thought that God existed or whether I thought He did not, I could feel no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition within me.

These things sunk me into very deep despair, for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found among those who loved God. When these temptations came with force upon me, I often compared myself to the case of a child whom some gypsy had taken by force in her arms and carried away from friend and country. I sometimes kicked and screamed and cried, but I remained bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul and of the evil spirit that possessed him, and I greatly feared that my condition was the same as his. Now the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the LORD terrorized him (1 Samuel 16:14).

In these days, when I heard others talk about the sin against the Holy Spirit, the tempter would so provoke me with desire to sin that same sin, that it was as if I could not, must not, and should not be quiet until I had committed that sin. Only that specific sin would do. If that sin would have been committed by speaking a certain word, I think my mouth would have said that word, whether I wanted it to or not. This temptation was so strong upon me that I have often been ready to press my hand under my chin in order to keep my mouth from opening. With that same goal, I have had thoughts at other times to leap with my head downward into some muck hill hole or other to keep my mouth from speaking.

Now I blessed the condition of the dog and toad, and I counted the situation of everything that God had made far better than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were. I gladly would have traded places with a dog or horse, for I knew they had no soul to perish under the everlasting weights of hell for sin, as mine was likely to do. Though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it, yet what added to my sorrow was that I did not think that I really desired deliverance with all my soul. In the midst of these troubles, Isaiah 57:20-21 also tore at my soul: But the wicked are like the tossing sea, for it cannot be quiet, and its waters toss up refuse and mud. There is no peace, says my God, for the wicked.

My heart was now exceedingly hard at times. I could not have shed a tear for a thousand dollars, and sometimes I had no desire to shed one. I was much dejected to think that this would be my destiny. I saw that some people could mourn and lament their sin, and others could rejoice and bless God for Christ. Others could peacefully talk of and with gladness remember the Word of God, while it seemed that only I was in the storm or tempest. This greatly depressed me. I thought that I was all alone in my condition. While I grieved and mourned much over my circumstances, I could not get out of them or get rid of these things.

While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could not attend upon the ordinances of God except with difficulty and great affliction. Yes, for it was then that I was most distressed with blasphemies. If I heard the Word of God, then uncleanness, blasphemies, and despair would hold me captive. If I had been reading the Scriptures, then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all that I read. Other times my mind would be so quickly focused on and consumed by other things that I neither knew, nor regarded, nor remembered the sentence that I just read.

I was greatly troubled in prayer at this time, also. Sometimes I thought I saw the devil – I even thought I had felt him behind me, pulling at my clothes. He would also be continually at me when I tried to pray, trying to get me to hurry, telling me that I had prayed enough, urging me to stay in prayer no longer, always trying to draw my mind away. Sometimes, also, he would cast in such wicked thoughts as that I must pray to him or for him. I have thought sometimes of what he said to Jesus – to fall down, or if You fall down and worship me (Matthew 4:9).

Because I have had wandering thoughts while praying, I have labored to compose my mind and fix it upon God. However, with great force the tempter Satan has labored to distract and confuse me, trying to turn my mind away from God by presenting to my heart and imagination the form of a bush, a bull, a broom, or something else, as if I should pray to those. To these he would at times so hold my mind that it was as if I could think of nothing else but to pray to these kinds of things.

Yet there were times when I had some strong and heart-affecting fear of God and the reality of the truth of His gospel. Oh, how my heart would, at such times, put forth itself with inexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word. I would cry with pangs after God that He would be merciful unto me, but then I would be disheartened again when I thought that God might mock my prayers, saying in the audience of the holy angels, "This poor simple wretch yearns after Me as if I had nothing to do with My mercy but to bestow it on someone like him. Alas, poor fool! How you are deceived! It is not for someone like you to have favor with the Highest."

The tempter would then come upon me with such discouragements as these: "You are very thirsty for mercy, but I will cool you; this frame of mind will not last forever. Many others have thirsted as you do, but I have quenched their zeal." And with this, some who had fallen would be set before my eyes. Then I would be afraid that I, too, would stop seeking God's mercy, but I was glad that this came to my mind. Well, I will watch, and take what care I can, I thought.

"Though you try to be cautious," said Satan, "I will be too difficult for you; I will cool you without you realizing it – by degrees, little by little. What do I care," he said, "if it takes seven years to chill your heart if I can do it at last? Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep. Though I must work at it, I will accomplish my goal. Though you are burning hot at present, if I can pull you from this fire, I will have you cold before too long."

These things caused me much difficulty. I knew that I was not ready for death, so I thought that to live longer would only make me more unfit for heaven. Over time the great stirring in my soul became less intense, as I did not even much realize the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to cleanse me. But I thank Christ Jesus that these things did not then cause me to stop crying out after God, but rather they caused me to cry out even more, like the woman who was assaulted (Deuteronomy 22:27). I was encouraged again by Romans 8:38-39: For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. I now hoped that long life would not destroy me nor make me miss heaven.

I did find some hope from God's Word during these temptations, although I still questioned it. I had some supports in this temptation, though I then questioned them all. Jeremiah 3:1-4 was one such passage. It stated that though we have spoken and done as much evil as we could, yet we should cry unto God, My Father, You are the friend of my youth, and should return unto Him.

I also found some hope from 2 Corinthians 5:21: He made Him who knew no sin to be sin on our behalf, so that we might become the righteousness of God in Him. I remember, also, one day sitting in a neighbor's house, and I was very sad considering my many blasphemies. I was saying in my mind, What reason do I have to think that I, who have been so vile and abominable, should ever inherit eternal life? I suddenly remembered Romans 8:31: What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us? John 14:19 was also a help to me: Because I live, you will live also. But these were only hints, touches, and short visits, though they were very sweet when present. Only they did not last, but like Peter's sheet, they were suddenly caught up from me to heaven again (Acts 10:16).

Afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously show Himself to me, and He delivered me from the guilt and even the filth that was laid upon my conscience by these things. The temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as other Christians.

I remember one day as I was traveling into the country and considering the wickedness and blasphemy of my heart and the enmity that was in me toward God, that Bible verse came into my mind that He has made peace through the blood of His cross (Colossians 1:20). By this verse, I was made to see again and again that day that God and my soul were friends by this blood. Yes, I saw that the justice of God and my sinful soul could embrace and kiss each other because of the blood of Jesus. This was a good day to me. I hope I will never forget it.

Another time, as I sat by the fire in my house thinking about my wretchedness, the Lord showed another precious word unto me: Therefore, since the children share in flesh and blood, He Himself likewise also partook of the same, that through death He might render powerless him who had the power of death, that is, the devil, and might free those who through fear of death were subject to slavery all their lives (Hebrews 2:14-15). I thought that the glory of these words was then so weighty on me that more than once I was ready to faint as I sat – yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy and peace.
Chapter 8

Finding Truth in the Word

At this time, also, I attended church under the ministry of holy Mr. Gifford, whose doctrine, by God's grace, greatly aided my stability. This man made it much his business to deliver the people of God from all those false and unsound rests that, by nature, we are prone to take and make to our souls. He urged us to take special care that we did not accept the teaching from anyone upon trust – but to cry mightily to God that He would convince us of the reality of the truth of His holy Word and cause us to learn by His own Spirit. Mr. Gifford said that if we accept the teachings of men without being certain that they are from God's Word, then when temptations come, we will lack that help and strength from God's Word to resist those temptations that we thought we had.

This was as seasonable to my soul as the former and latter rain in their season, for I had learned the truth of these words by sad experience. I had felt what no man can say except by the Holy Spirit – especially when tempted by the devil – that Jesus Christ is Lord (1 Corinthians 12:3). Wherefore, by grace, I found my soul very apt to drink in this doctrine and to be inclined to pray to God that He would allow me to have the confirmation from heaven in all things that pertained to His glory and my own eternal happiness. I now clearly saw that there was a great difference between the notions of flesh and blood and the revelations of God in heaven. Also, I saw a great difference between that faith that is not real and is according to man's wisdom, and that which comes by one's being born again of God (Matthew 16:15-17; 1 John 5:1).

My soul was now led from truth to truth by God – even from the birth and cradle of the Son of God to His ascension and second coming from heaven to judge the world!

Truly, I learned that the great God was very good to me. As far as I can remember, there was not anything that I then asked God to make known and reveal unto me that He was not pleased to do for me. Even if I sought understanding about one small part of the gospel of the Lord Jesus, I was efficiently led into it. I saw with much evidence the relation of the four evangelists and the wonderful work of God in giving Jesus Christ to save us, from His conception and birth even to His second coming and judgment. It was as if I had seen Him born, as if I had seen Him grow up, as if I had seen Him walk through this world from the cradle to His cross. I saw how gently He gave Himself to be crucified on the cross for my sins and wickedness. Also, as I was thinking about these things, I understood that Jesus was chosen for the slaughter – that it was planned and known from before creation: But with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ. For He was foreknown before the foundation of the world, but has appeared in these last times for the sake of you (1 Peter 1:19-20).

When I considered also the truth of His resurrection and remembered when Jesus told Mary, Stop clinging to Me (John 20:17), I saw as if He leaped at the grave's mouth for joy that He was risen again and had won the victory over our dreadful enemies. I have also, in the spirit, seen Him as a man on the right hand of God the Father for me, and I have seen the manner of His coming from heaven to judge the world with glory. I have confirmed these things by the following verses: Acts 1:9-10; 7:56; 10:42; Hebrews 7:24; 8:3; Revelation 1:18; and 1 Thessalonians 4:17-18.

At one time I was anxious to know whether the Lord Jesus was man as well as God, and God as well as man. Truly, in those days, no matter what others said, unless I had evidence from heaven – from God's Word – it was as nothing to me, and I did not consider it to be God's truth. Well, I was much troubled about this point and could not tell how to reach a conclusion. At last, the fifth chapter of Revelation came to my mind: And I saw between the throne (with the four living creatures ) and the elders a Lamb standing, as if slain (Revelation 5:6). In the midst of the throne, I thought, there is His Godhead; in the midst of the elders, there is His manhood. Oh, how that shined brightly to me! It was a good touch and gave me sweet satisfaction. Another Bible verse, Isaiah 9:6, also helped me much in this: For a child will be born to us, a son will be given to us; And the government will rest on His shoulders; And His name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace.

Besides these teachings from God's Word, the Lord made use of two things to confirm to me the truth of His Word. One was the errors of the Quakers, and the other was the guilt of sin; for as the Quakers did oppose His truth, so God confirmed His truth in me by leading me into the Bible passages that confirmed His truth.

The errors that this people, the Quakers, then maintained were: 1. The Holy Scriptures were not the Word of God. 2. Every man in the world had the Spirit of Christ, grace, and faith. 3. Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dying 1,600 years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for the sins of the people. 4. Christ's flesh and blood were within the saints. 5. The bodies of the good and bad that are buried in the churchyard will not rise again. 6. The resurrection of the just has already taken place. 7. The man Jesus, who was crucified between two thieves on Mount Calvary by Jerusalem in the land of Israel, did not ascend above the starry heavens. 8. Jesus would not come again at the last day and as man judge all nations.

Many more vile and abominable things were taught by this group in those days, which drove me to search the Scriptures more carefully. Through this study and through the light and testimony of God's Word, I was not only enlightened but was greatly confirmed and comforted in the truth. As I said, the guilt of sin helped me, for as soon as the guilt would come upon me, the blood of Christ did take it off again, and again, and again – wonderfully, according to the Scriptures. O friends! Cry out to God to reveal Jesus Christ to you. There is no one who can teach His truth like Him.

It would take too long for me to tell you specifically how God taught me in all the things of Christ and how He led me into His words. Yes, He opened them to me, made them shine before me, and caused them to dwell with me, speak to me, and comfort me over and over of His own being, the being of His Son, and Spirit, and Word, and gospel.

As I said before, though, the general course that God took with me to teach me was to allow me to be afflicted with temptation concerning my guilt and sin, and then He would reveal His Word and truth to me. Sometimes I would lie under sin's great guilt, even as if crushed to the ground, and then the Lord would show me the death of Christ and so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I would find that before I was ever aware, that in my conscience where the law did reign and rage before, now the peace and love of God through Christ would rest and abide in me.

I now believed that I had evidence from heaven of my salvation, with many golden seals all hanging in my sight. I could now remember this manifestation and the other discovery of grace with comfort. I would often long and desire that the last day would come, that I might forever be inflamed with the sight and joy and communion with Him whose head had been crowned with thorns, whose face had been spit upon, whose body had been broken, and whose soul had been made an offering for my sins. Whereas before, I lay continually trembling at the mouth of hell, now I thought I was so far away from it that I could not even see it when I looked back. Oh, how I wished that I were eighty years old, that I might die quickly so that my soul might go to rest.

While I still had some of these temptations, I desired to read about some godly man's experience from the past, from hundreds of years before I was born. It seemed that those who wrote in my day only wrote about other people's experiences or about what they had studied or heard about, but had not experienced these things for themselves and so were not writing from experience.

As I was hoping to read of such an experience, the God in whose hands are all our days and ways, showed me a book by Martin Luther one day. It was his commentary on the book of Galatians. The Luther book was so old that it was ready to fall apart if I did but turn it over. I was very pleased, though, that I had come across such an old book. When I had looked through the book only a little bit, I saw that Luther's experience and writing so much resembled my own spiritual situation, that it was as if his book had been written out of my heart. This made me marvel, for Martin Luther did not know anything of the state of Christians now, but had written and spoken of the experience of former days.

Besides, Luther, in that book, most seriously debated the rise of these temptations; namely, blasphemy, desperation, and similar things, showing that the law of Moses as well as the devil, death, and hell had a very great hand in them. At first, this seemed very strange to me, but after thinking and observing, I found that this was indeed true. Of specifics, I do not now need to say more, other than I want to say before all people that I prefer this book, Martin Luther's commentary on Galatians, above all the books that I have ever read (with the exception of the Holy Bible), as most fit for a wounded conscience.

I now found that, though I thought I had loved Jesus Christ dearly before, my soul and affections now cleaved unto Him. I felt love to Him as hot as fire. Now, as Job said, I thought I would die in my nest (Job 29:18), but I quickly found that my great love was but little. And I, who thought that I had such burning love for Jesus Christ, could seem to lose such affection for Him and look away from Him by any small distraction. God can certainly humble us, and we cannot often see our own pride. Soon after this, my love for Him was tested.

* * *

 Editor's notes from a much earlier edition stated that whereas some people who were then called Quakers did indeed believe these heresies, the more well-known group, the Society of Friends, did not and never did hold these unbiblical beliefs but more closely adhered to the Scriptures.
Chapter 9

Fear and Doubt Return

After the Lord had graciously delivered me from this great and terrible temptation and had set me down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel and had given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence from heaven regarding my share in His love through Christ, the tempter came upon me again, and with a more severe and dreadful temptation than before.

That temptation was to sell and part with the most blessed Christ and to exchange Him for the things of this life – for anything. I was tempted by this for about a year, and it plagued me so continually that there was not one day in a month or sometimes one hour in many days in which the temptation did not distress me – unless it was when I was asleep.

In my judgment, I was convinced that those who were once legitimately in Christ through His grace, as I hoped I was, could never lose him forever – the land, moreover, shall not be sold permanently, for the land is Mine, says God (Leviticus 25:23). Yet it was a continual displeasure to me to think that I would have even one thought within me against Christ Jesus, who had done for me what He had done; however, I had almost no other thoughts but such blasphemous ones.

No matter how much I disliked these thoughts and no matter how much I desired and tried to resist them, I could not get them to go away or even to lessen in force and strength. For always, no matter what else I was thinking about, these thoughts would so enter my mind that it was not long before I could not eat my food, reach down for a pin, chop a stick, or even look on this or that without the temptation coming: "Sell Christ for this, or sell Christ for that; sell Him, sell Him."

Sometimes it would run in my thoughts a hundred times together: "Sell Him, sell Him, sell Him." I would sometimes stand and force myself continually to resist for hours at a time, so that I did not unexpectedly give in to the temptation. Sometimes the tempter would make me believe I had given in, and then it would seem as if I was being tortured upon a rack for whole days at a time.

I was so distressed at this temptation and afraid of giving in that as I labored in my mind to resist this wickedness, my body would sometimes react as if trying to push Satan away, and I would find myself actually pushing or thrusting with my hands or elbows. As the destroyer said, "Sell Him, sell Him," I would as quickly answer, "I will not. I will not. No, not for thousands of worlds." I was afraid that in the midst of these assaults I would set too low a value on Christ and then do something that I was not aware of doing or that I did not intend to do.

At these times in my life, Satan would not even let me eat my food in peace; but, indeed, when I was sitting down ready to eat, I would have to go and pray. Satan would put such thoughts into my mind, telling me that I must go pray immediately in order to please God. I would protest that I was eating, but Satan would reply that I must go now or I would displease God and show that I despised Jesus. Wherefore I was much afflicted with these things, and because of the sinfulness of my nature, I imagined that these things were impulses from God. I thought that if I did not obey, it would be as if I were denying God. And then, if I did not obey these impulses, I would think that I was as guilty as if I had broken the law of God – even though this was only a temptation of the devil.

To be brief, one morning as I lay in my bed, I was fiercely assaulted with this temptation to sell and part with Christ. The wicked suggestion was still running in my mind, "Sell him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him," as fast as a man could speak, and in my mind, as at other times, I answered, "No, no, not for thousands of worlds," at least twenty times in a row. But at last, after much striving, even until I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought pass through my heart, "Let Him go if He wants to!" I thought that I felt my heart freely consent to this. If Jesus wanted to leave me, I could not stop Him. Oh, the diligence of Satan! Oh, the desperateness of man's heart!

Now this particular battle with Satan was won by him, and down I fell, as a bird that is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt and fearful despair. I got out of my bed and went into the field contemplating, God knows, with as heavy a heart as a mortal man could bear. For two hours, I was like a man deprived of life, past all hope of recovery and bound over to eternal punishment.

In addition to this, that verse grabbed my soul: Or godless person like Esau, who sold his own birthright for a single meal. For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought for it with tears (Hebrews 12:16-17).

I was now as one bound. I felt myself waiting for the judgment to come. I had no other thoughts for the next two years regarding my eternal future but damnation and an expectation of damnation. I say that I had no other thoughts than this, except for a few moments of relief, as I will write about later.

These words were to my soul like iron chains to my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for several months. But about ten or eleven o'clock one morning, as I was walking under a hedge and lamenting my circumstances, full of sorrow in guilt, God knows, suddenly this sentence bolted in upon me: The blood of Christ takes care of all guilt. At this I made a stand in my spirit. This verse took hold upon me: The blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin (1 John 1:7).

I now began to realize peace in my soul, and it seemed as if I saw the tempter perceive and then slip away, as being ashamed of what he had done. At the same time I saw my sin in relation to the blood of Christ, and I saw that my sin, when compared to His blood, was no more than a stone is to a vast and wide field. This gave me good encouragement for about two or three hours, during which time I thought that I saw, by faith, the Son of God suffering for my sins, but because that picture did not remain long in my mind, I sank in my spirit under exceeding guilt again.

The verse I mentioned earlier about Esau's selling of his birthright would lie on my mind all day long, all week long, even all year long, and hold me down so that I could by no means lift myself up. When I would try to turn to other Bible verses for comfort, I would still hear that sentence: For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought for it with tears (Hebrews 12:17).

Sometimes I would think a bit upon Luke 22:32: I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; but it would not last long, and when I considered my condition, I could not in the least find any reason to think that, having sinned as I had, there was even the root of grace within me. For many days after thinking like this, I was all torn up inside.

Then, with a sad and careful heart, I began to consider the nature and extent of my sin. I searched in the Word of God to try to find any word of promise or any encouraging sentence by which I might find relief. I began to consider the third chapter of Mark, where it says that all sins shall be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they utter (Mark 3:28). At first I thought that this verse contained a large and glorious promise for the pardon of serious offences against God, but upon considering the verse more carefully, I thought it was instead relating more to those who had, while in a clearly unsaved state, committed such things as are mentioned there. I thought that it did not apply to me, who had not only received light and mercy, but who had, both after and also contrary to that light and mercy, so spurned Christ as I had done.

I feared therefore that this wicked sin of mine might be that unpardonable sin, of which the Scriptures here speak: But whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is guilty of an eternal sin (Mark 3:29). And I did rather think this was true of me, because of that sentence in Hebrews: For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought for it with tears (Hebrews 12:17). These thoughts were with me continually.

I was now both a burden and a terror to myself. I never before knew what it was to be weary of my life, and yet afraid to die. Oh, how gladly would I have been anybody but myself! Anything but a man, and in any condition but my own! There was nothing that came across my mind more frequently than that it was impossible for me to be forgiven for my transgression and to be saved from the wrath to come.

I now began to wish that I could go back in time, to the day before I was tempted to commit the unpardonable sin. I concluded, with much resentment both against my heart and all assaults, that I would rather have been torn in pieces than found to have committed that sin. But, alas, these thoughts, wishes, and resolves were now too late to help me. The thought had entered my heart that God had let me go, and I was fallen. Oh that I were as in months gone by, as in the days when God watched over me (Job 29:2).

Then again, being reluctant and unwilling to perish, I began to compare my sin with others, to see if I could find anyone who had been saved who had done as I had done. I considered David's adultery and murder and found them to be most heinous crimes, and they were committed after David had received light and grace. However, when I considered them longer, I understood that his transgressions were only against the law of Moses, from which the Lord Jesus Christ could, with the consent of His Word, deliver him. My sin, though, was against the gospel and even against the Mediator of that gospel. I had sold my Savior.

Now again I felt as if I deserved to be racked upon the wheel, when I considered that. Besides the guilt that possessed me, I was empty of grace and controlled by sin. Why did I have to commit this sin? Did it have to be the great transgression? (Psalm 19:13). Must the wicked one touch my soul? (1 John 5:18). Oh, what stings I found in all these sentences!

Is there only one sin that is unpardonable? Is there only one sin that puts the soul outside the reach of God's mercy, and must I be guilty of that one sin? Why must it be? Is there only one sin among so many million sins for which there is no forgiveness, and did I have to commit this? Oh, unhappy sin! Oh, unhappy man!

These things so broke and perplexed my spirit that I did not know what to do. At times I thought they would drive me insane; still, to aggravate my misery, that verse would run through my mind: For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected (Hebrews 12:17). Oh, no one knows the terrors of those days but myself!

After this I considered Peter's sin which he committed by denying his Master. Indeed, this came nearest to mine of any that I could find, for he had denied his Savior after he had received light and mercy, as I had done, and even after he had been warned. I also considered that he had denied his Master more than once, and that was after he had time to think about it. I considered all of the circumstances, that if possible I might find relief; but I concluded that while Peter had denied his Master, I had sold my Savior. Wherefore I thought that my sin was closer to that of Judas than either David or Peter.

Here again my torment would increase and afflict me; yes, it was as if it would grind me to powder as I thought of God preserving and saving others, while I continually fell into the snare of the devil. For when I considered the sins of others and compared them to my own, I could clearly see how God had preserved other people, despite their wickedness, and would not let them become children of perdition, as He had let me become.

My soul greatly prized the protection that God set about His people! How safely I saw them walk, whom God had hedged in! They were within His care, protection, and special providence. Though they were as bad as I by nature, yet because He loved them, He would not allow them to fall outside the range of His mercy; but as for me, I was gone. I had done it. He would not preserve me nor keep me, but because I was a reprobate, He allowed me to fall as I had done. Those blessed places in Scripture that spoke of God keeping His people shined like the sun before me, though not to comfort me, but to show me the blessed state and heritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.

I now saw that just as God had His hand in all circumstances and events that happened to His elect, so He had His hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against Him, not to stir them up to wickedness, but to choose their temptations and troubles for them. God might also allow them for a short time to give in to such sins as would humble them but not destroy them – sins that would not put them beyond God's mercy, but would cause them to know the renewing of His mercy. But oh, what love, what care, what kindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the most severe and dreadful of all God's ways to His people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon, Peter, and others fall, but He would not let them fall into unpardonable sin nor into hell for sin. I realized that these are the men whom God has loved. These are the men whom God, though He rebuked them for their sin, still kept them safely in His arms and allowed them to abide under the shadow of the Almighty (Psalm 91:1).

But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, and horror to me, as whatever I now thought about was crushing to me. If I thought how God kept His own children, that was crushing to me, as I thought I must not be His. If I thought of how I was falling myself, that was crushing to me. As all things work together for the best, and to do good to those who are the called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), so I thought that all things worked for my damage and for my eternal overthrow.

Then, again, I began to compare my sin with the sin of Judas, that if possible, I might find that my sin was different from the unpardonable sin. Oh, I thought if it was different from it by only a hairbreadth, what a happy condition would my soul be in! By considering this, though, I found that Judas had sinned intentionally, but my sin was contrary to my prayers and strivings and will. His was committed with much deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, all of a sudden. All this time, I was tossed to and fro like the locusts and was driven from trouble to sorrow, remembering always how Esau fell and the dreadful consequences thereof.

My thoughts regarding the sin of Judas provided a little relief for me for a while, for I saw that I had not transgressed in the same way as he. But this relief was quickly gone, for I thought that there might be more than one way to commit the unpardonable sin. I also thought that there might be varying degrees of that and other sins. So, for all I could yet understand, I continued to think that maybe my sin might be such that it could never be forgiven.

I was often now ashamed when I thought that I might be such a sinful man as Judas. I thought also how loathsome I would be unto all the saints at the day of judgment. I could now hardly see a godly man whom I believed had a good conscience, but I would feel my heart tremble while I was in his presence. I saw a glory in walking with God and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience before Him.

About this time I was tempted to content myself by trying to believe some false ideas, such as that there is no such thing as a day of judgment, that we would not rise again, and that sin was not such a bad thing. Of course, it was Satan suggesting these things, for if these things were indeed true, it would provide some comfort for the present. If you are going to perish eternally, it is better not to torment yourself with thoughts of God's truth, but rather drive those damning thoughts out of your mind by trying to convince yourself that what God says is not true, as atheists and others do to try to ease their consciences.

But when such thoughts have been in my heart, the realization of death and judgment were quickly in view! I thought that the Judge stood at the door and my end had come, and so trying to deny God's Word did not give me any peace. I see by this that Satan will use any means to keep the soul from Christ. He does not love a spiritually awakened spirit, but false security, blindness, darkness, and error is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.

I found it hard work now to pray to God, because despair was swallowing me up. I thought I was, as with a tempest, driven away from God, for always when I cried to God for mercy, I would hear, "It is too late. I am lost. God has let me fall, not to be corrected, but to be condemned. My sin is unpardonable, and I know that Esau would have received the blessing, but after he sold his birthright, he was rejected."

* * *

 Racked or broken upon the wheel was a horrid mode of torturing a criminal to death, formerly used in France. The sufferer was stretched and fastened upon a large wheel, when the executioner, with a heavy iron bar, proceeded to break every bone in his body – beginning with the toes and fingers, and proceeding to crush those bones that least affected life, and ending by crushing the skull into the brains. How piercing must have been the convictions of sin upon Bunyan's soul to have led him to such a simile!
Chapter 10

Return Unto Me

About this time, I came upon the dreadful story of that miserable mortal, Francis Spira, who was filled with remorse and despair for having left God's truth and becoming a Roman Catholic with improper motives. To my troubled spirit, Spira's book was as salt when rubbed into a fresh wound. Every sentence in that book, every groan of that man, with all the rest of his actions in his sorrow, as his tears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands, his twisting, his languishing and pining away under that mighty hand of God that was upon him were as knives and daggers in my soul. Especially frightful to me was his sentence: "Man knows the beginning of sin, but who can hold back its consequences?" Then Hebrews 12:17 would fall like a hot thunderbolt again upon my conscience: For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought for it with tears.

Then I began trembling so much that sometimes for days at a time, I could feel my body, as well as my mind, shake and totter under the sense of the dreadful judgment of God that would fall on those who have sinned that most fearful and unpardonable sin. I felt also such a stirring up and heat in my stomach because of this terror that sometimes it seemed as if my breastbone would have split apart. Then I thought of what happened to Judas, who by falling headlong burst asunder and all his bowels gushed out (Acts 1:18).

I was afraid that this was the mark that the Lord had set upon Cain (Genesis 4:15), even continual fear and trembling under the heavy load of guilt that he had for the blood of his brother Abel. I constantly twisted and turned and bent under the burden that was upon me. The burden so oppressed me that I could not stand or walk or lie down at rest or in peace.

That verse would sometimes come to my mind, You have received gifts among men, even among the rebellious also (Psalm 68:18). The rebellious, I thought; why, surely they were once under subjection to their prince, even those who have taken up arms against him after they have sworn allegiance to his government. This, I thought, is my very condition; once I loved Him, feared Him, and served Him, but now I am a rebel. I have sold Him. I have said, "Let Him go if He wants to." Yet still He has gifts for rebels, and then why not for me?

I sometimes thought about this and tried to grasp it that I might find some small comfort from it. The comfort did not come, though, for I was driven beyond peace, like a man who is going to the place of execution and sees a place to hide, but he is not able to do so.

Again, after I had considered the sins of the saints and found my sins to be greater than theirs, I began to think that I might find some encouragement if I would put their sins all together on one side and mine on the other side and compare them. For if my sin, even though bigger than any one of their individual sins, would be equal to all of theirs, then I might find hope. For if the blood of Jesus could wash away all of their sins, then it could wash away mine, even if my one great sin was as big as all of theirs combined. I again considered the sin of David, of Solomon, of Manasseh, of Peter, and the rest of the great offenders, and I also tried, though attempting to be fair, to have their sins appear greater and more serious due to their circumstances; but alas – it was all in vain!

I would think to myself that David shed blood to cover his adultery, and he did so by the sword of the children of Ammon – a deed that could not be done except by willful and deliberate planning, which greatly intensified his sin. But then I would realize that David's sins were sins against the law, from which Jesus was sent to save them; mine was a sin against the Savior, and who could save me from that?

I thought about Solomon and how he sinned by loving foreign women and falling away to their idols by building them temples, even after he had received light from God, while he was in his old age, after he had received great mercy from God. However, the same conclusion that cut me off in the former consideration cut me off here; namely, that all those were sins against the law, for which God had provided a remedy. I had sold my Savior, and there now remained no sacrifice for sins (Hebrews 10:26).

Next, I would add to those men's sins the sins of Manasseh – how he had built altars for idols in the house of the Lord. He also observed times (as in astrology), used enchantment, associated with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits, burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and made the streets of Jerusalem run with the blood of innocents. These, I thought, are great sins, sins of a bloody color. My argument would again turn upon me. These sins were not the same kind as mine. I had parted with Jesus. I had sold my Savior.

The one thought that wounded my heart the most was that my sin was point blank against my Savior, and that in my heart I had said of Him, "Let Him go if He wants to." Oh, I thought that this sin was bigger than the sins of an entire country, kingdom, or of the whole world. No single sin, nor all other sins together, were able to equal mine. Mine was worse than all of them.

Now my mind would flee from God as from the face of a dreadful judge, but this was my torment. I could not escape his hand: It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God (Hebrews 10:31). But blessed be His grace, that scripture at these times would call out as if it were running after me, I have wiped out your transgressions like a thick cloud and your sins like a heavy mist. Return to Me, for I have redeemed you (Isaiah 44:22). This would come into my mind when I was fleeing from the face of God, for I did flee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him. By reason of His greatness, I could not endure; then would the text cry, Return to Me. It would cry aloud with a very loud voice, Return to Me, for I have redeemed you.

Indeed, this would make me stop a little and look over my shoulder to see if I could discern that the grace of God did follow me with a pardon in its hand; but no sooner would I do that than all would be clouded and darkened again by that sentence, For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought for it with tears. Therefore I could not return, but fled, though at times the voice cried, "Return, return," as if it did pursue me. But I feared to allow it to catch me, lest it had not come from God. For that other verse was still sounding in my conscience: For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected.

Once I was walking back and forth in a good man's shop, sorrowing over my sad and wretched condition and afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked and ungodly thought. I was also lamenting my difficult circumstance, that I had committed so great a sin, greatly fearing that I could not be pardoned, praying that if my sin was not the unpardonable sin against the Holy Spirit, the Lord would show it to me. Being now ready to sink with fear, suddenly, as if it had rushed in at the window, I heard the noise of wind upon me, but very pleasant. I heard a voice ask, "Did you ever refuse to be justified by the blood of Christ?" I considered my entire past life, which was opened to me in a moment, and I saw that I had never refused to be justified by the blood of Jesus. My heart emotionally answered no, and then that word of God fell upon me powerfully, See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking (Hebrews 12:25).

This held my spirit in a strange way. It brought light with it and commanded a silence in my heart of all those tumultuous thoughts that previously, like masterless hell-hounds, used to roar and bellow and make a hideous noise within me. It showed me also that Jesus Christ still had a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not yet, as I had feared, forsaken and cast off my soul. Yes, this was a kind of rebuke for my susceptibility to despair. It was a kind of threatening if I did not, despite my sins and the heinousness of them, stake my salvation upon the Son of God.

But as to what exactly this strange occurrence was, I do not know, and from where it came, I do not know. I have not yet, in twenty years' time, been able to determine this for certain. What I thought then, I am reluctant to write here. But truly, that sudden rushing wind was as if an angel had come upon me; however, both it and the salvation I will leave until the day of judgment. I will only say this – that it brought a great calm to my soul and persuaded me that there might be hope. It showed me, I believe, what the unpardonable sin was, and that my soul had yet the blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy.
Chapter 11

More Doubts

I do not know yet what to say about my experience. This was the reason that I did not speak of it in this book at first. Even now, I leave it to be considered only by those of sound spiritual judgment. I do not place the hope of my salvation upon it, but upon the Lord Jesus and His Word. However, since I am here telling the hidden things of my life, I thought it might be good to mention this also, though I cannot now write of the matter with the same power as I experienced it. I delighted in this for about three or four days, but then I began to mistrust and to despair again.

Therefore, my life still hung in doubt before me, since I did not know how I would end up. I now found my soul's one desire was to cast itself at the foot of grace by prayer and supplication. It was difficult now for me to face Christ and pray to Him, for I had most vilely sinned against Him. Indeed, I have found it as difficult to go to God in prayer after backsliding from Him as to do any other thing. I was ashamed, especially when I considered that I was now going to pray to Him for mercy whom I had so lightly esteemed such a little while before! I was ashamed and amazed that I had sinned so against Jesus, but I knew that there was only one thing that I could do. I must go to Him and humble myself before Him and beg that He, out of His wonderful mercy, would show compassion to me and have mercy upon my wretched sinful soul.

When the tempter perceived my intent, he strongly suggested to me that I should not pray to God, suggesting that prayer would do me no good because I had rejected the Mediator, by whom all prayer came with acceptance to God the Father, and without whom no prayer could come into His presence. To pray now would only add sin to sin, the tempter suggested to my mind, since God had cast me off. To pray now would only anger and offend Him more than I ever did before.

Satan whispered to me that God had been tired of me for the past few years already, because I was not His child. My weeping in His ears had not been a pleasing sound to Him, and so God let me sin this sin so that I would be forever cut off from Him. And would I dare to keep praying? This the devil urged, and he reminded me of the book of Numbers, when Moses said to the children of Israel that because they refused to go up to possess the land when God wanted them to, God did not allow them to enter the land, no matter how repentant they seemed to be or how sincerely they prayed (Numbers 14:36-45).

As the Bible says in Exodus 21:14, the man who sins presumptuously shall be taken from God's altar that he may die, even as Joab was taken from the altar by King Solomon, when he had hoped to find shelter there (1 Kings 2:28-34). These Bible passages did indeed grieve me, yet I still thought that my case was so desperate that I had no other option but to die in my present condition. If I must die in this way, I wanted to die at the foot of Christ in prayer. So I prayed, but God knows it was with great difficulty. This was because even while I prayed, that passage regarding Esau would fill my heart like the flaming sword to keep the way of the tree of life, preventing me from finding and entering new life in Christ. Oh, no one knows how difficult it was for me to go to God in prayer.

Bunyan seeks comfort

I desired God's people to pray for me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do so. My soul trembled to think that some of them might soon tell me that God had said those words to them that He once said to the prophet Jeremiah concerning the children of Israel: Do not pray for this people, for I have rejected them (Jeremiah 11:14). I thought that God must have already whispered this to some of them already – "Do not pray for him, for I have rejected him," only they dared not tell me so. I was afraid to ask them myself for fear that if it were true, I would not know what to do.

About this time I took an opportunity to share my mind with an elderly Christian man. I told him my story, that I was afraid I had sinned the sin against the Holy Spirit, and he told me that he thought so, too. He did not provide me much comfort, but as I talked more with him, I found him to be a good man, but a stranger to opposing the attacks of Satan. So I went to God again, as well as I knew how, to seek His mercy.

Now the tempter began to mock me in my misery, saying that since I had willingly parted from the Lord Jesus and provoked Him to anger – this Jesus who would have stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire – there was now only one thing left that I could do. I must pray that God the Father would be the Mediator between His Son and me, that we might be reconciled again and that I might have that blessed benefit in Him that His blessed saints enjoyed.

Then that Bible verse consumed my soul: But He is unique and who can turn Him? (Job 23:13). I saw that it would be as difficult to persuade Him to make a new world, a new covenant, or a new Bible, in addition to those we already have, as to pray for such a thing. This was to try to persuade Him that what He had done already was mere folly, to try to persuade Him to change, even to cancel, the whole way of salvation. Then that saying would rend my soul in two: And there is salvation in no one else; for there is no other name under heaven that has been given among men by which we must be saved (Acts 4:12).

Now, the most free and full and gracious words of the gospel were the greatest torment to me. Nothing afflicted me as much as thoughts of Jesus Christ – the remembrance of a Savior. Because I had cast Him off, saw the repugnance of my sin, and considered what I had lost by my sin, nothing pained my conscience like this. Every time I thought of the Lord Jesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations, comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword. For after all my thoughts of how I had sinned against the Lord Jesus Christ, in my heart I still knew that He was Jesus, the loving Savior, the Son of God, with whom I had willingly parted ways, whom I had disrespected, despised, and abused.

This is the only Savior, the only Redeemer, the only one who could love sinners so much as to wash them from their sins in His own most precious blood; but I have no part nor claim in this Jesus, for I had cast Him away from me. I had said in my heart, "Let Him go if He wants to." Now, therefore, I am cut off from Him. I cut myself off from Him. Behold, then, His goodness, but I cannot have part of it. Oh, I thought, what I have lost! What I have parted with! Of what I have disinherited my poor soul! It is sad to be destroyed by the grace and mercy of God, to have the Lamb, the Savior, turn lion and destroyer (Revelation 6).

I also trembled at the sight of the saints of God, especially at those who greatly loved Him and who made it their business to walk continually with Him in this world; for they did, by their words, their actions, and all their expressions of tenderness and fear of sinning against their precious Savior, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continual affliction and shame unto my soul. Their dread was upon me, and I trembled at God's Samuels (1 Samuel 16:4).

Now the tempter began to mock my soul another way, saying that Christ did indeed pity my situation and was sorry for my loss, but because I had sinned and transgressed as I had, He could by no means help me, nor save me from what I feared. The tempter assured me that my sin was not of the nature of others for whom Jesus had bled and died, neither was it counted among those sins that were laid to His charge when He hung on the cross. Therefore, unless He should come down from heaven and die again for this sin, though He did indeed feel very bad for me, He was not able to help me.

These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous as they were in themselves, but to me they were most tormenting thoughts. Every one of them increased my misery – that Jesus Christ should have so much love as to feel sorry for me when He could not help me. I did not think that the reason He could not help me was because His merits were weak or His grace and salvation were already used up, but because His faithfulness to His promises and threats would not let Him extend His mercy to me. Besides, as I have already hinted, I thought that my sin was outside the bounds of what Jesus had promised He would pardon, and if He was not able to forgive me and pardon my sin, then I knew for certain that it was easier for heaven and earth to pass away than for me to have eternal life. So the root of all my fears came from my steadfast belief in the stability of the holy Word of God, and also from my being misinformed of the nature of my sin.

This added much to my affliction – to understand that I was guilty of such a sin for which Jesus did not die. These thoughts would so shake me up and imprison me and keep me from faith that I did not know what to do. How I wished that He would come down again – that the work of man's redemption was yet to be done by Christ! How I would beg and entreat Him to count this sin and include it among the rest for which He died! But then this verse would strike me down as dead: Knowing that Christ, having been raised from the dead, is never to die again; death no longer is master over Him (Romans 6:9).

So, because of the strange and unusual assaults of Satan, my soul was like a broken vessel driven by the winds and tossed, sometimes headlong into despair, sometimes upon the covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the new covenant and its conditions (as far as it concerned my situation) could be turned another way and changed. But in all these things, I was as those who are pushed against the rocks – broken, scattered, and torn. Oh, the thought of imaginations, frights, fears, and terrors that are brought about by a thorough application of guilt combined with desperation! This is the man who has his dwelling among the tombs with the dead who is always crying out and cutting himself with stones (Mark 5:2-5).

But, I say, all is vain; desperation will not comfort him, and the old covenant will not save him. No, heaven and earth will pass away before one letter of the Word and law of grace shall fall or be removed. This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned. I gained from this more confirmation of the certainty of the way of salvation and that the Scriptures were the Word of God! I cannot now express what I then saw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock of man's salvation. What was done could not be undone, added to, or changed. I saw that the unpardonable sin might drive the soul beyond Christ, but woe to him who was so driven, for the Word would keep him out.

I seemed to be always in misery in whatever I thought or did. One day I walked to a neighboring town and sat down upon a bench along the street. I began to think about the most fearful state my sin had brought me to. After long consideration, I lifted up my head, and it seemed to me as if the sun that shines in the heavens did not want to give light, and as if the very stones in the street and tiles upon the houses turned themselves against me. I thought that they all combined together to banish me out of the world. It seemed to me that I was hated by them and was unfit to live among them or be a partaker of their benefits, because I had sinned against the Savior. Oh, how happy now was every creature in comparison to me, for they stood fast and kept their post, but I was gone and lost.

Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, I asked myself with a grievous sigh, "How can God comfort such a wretch as I?"

I had no sooner said it than I heard, as an echo answers a voice, "This sin is not unto death" (1 John 5:17).

When I heard this, it was as if I had been raised out of a grave. I cried out, "Lord, how could You send me such a message as this?" I was filled with admiration at how suitable the sentence was for me, and yet how unexpected. The relevance of the Word, the wonderful timing with which it came, the power and sweetness and light and glory that came with it were all marvelous to me. I was not now doubting about that which I was in so much doubt before. Before, I feared that my sin was not pardonable, so I believed that I had no right to pray or to repent, and that if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit to me. But now, I thought that if my sin was not unto death, it must be pardonable.

Therefore, I found encouragement to come to God, through Christ, for mercy, to consider the promise of forgiveness as that which stands with open arms to receive me, as well as others. This, therefore, was a great comfort to my mind – that my sin was pardonable – that it was not the sin unto death (1 John 5:16-17). None but those who understood my trouble by their own experience can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration. It was a release to me from my former bonds and a shelter from my former storm. I seemed now to stand upon the same ground with other sinners and to have as much right to the Word and prayer as any of them.

Now I had hope that my sin was not unpardonable, but that I might be able to obtain forgiveness. Oh, how Satan did try to bring me down again, but he could by no means do it, neither on this day nor most of the next day, for 1 John 5:17 gave me much support. However, toward the evening of the next day I felt this word begin to leave me, and I no longer felt its support. I returned to my old fears again, but with a great deal of grudging and discontent, for I feared the sorrow of despair. My faith was not strong enough to keep believing that word from God.

The following evening I had many fears, so I went to seek the Lord. As I prayed, my soul cried out to Him in these words: "O Lord, please show me that You have loved me with an everlasting love" (Jeremiah 31:3). I had no sooner said it than I heard these words as if an echo again: "I have loved you with an everlasting love." I went to bed at peace, and when I awoke the next morning, it was fresh upon my soul – and I believed it.

The tempter still did not leave me alone, but must have tried to cause me to doubt God's Word at least a hundred times that day. I met with many severe attacks and conflicts as I tried to hold on to God's Word. The verse about Esau not finding repentance would fly in my face like lightning. My heart and emotions would sometimes be up and down twenty times an hour, yet God gave me strength and kept my heart upon His Word, from which I had also, for several days in a row, much sweetness and comfortable hope of pardon. It was as if God was telling me, "I loved you while you were committing this sin. I loved you before, I love you now, and I will love you forever."

I saw my sin as most cruel and as a filthy crime, and with great shame and astonishment I could not but conclude that I had horribly wronged the holy Son of God. I felt my soul to greatly love and be tender toward Him, and I felt my heart desire to be near Him. I saw that He was still my Friend, and that He still rewarded me good for evil. The love and affection that then burned within me for my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ worked such a strong realization upon me that I deserved the vengeance of God for the abuse I had done unto Jesus, that if I had a thousand gallons of blood within my veins, I would have freely spilled it all at the command and feet of my Lord and Savior.

As I was in reflection and contemplation, considering how to love the Lord and express my love to Him, the passage came to my mind, If You, LORD, should mark iniquities, O LORD, who could stand? But there is forgiveness with You, that You may be feared (Psalm 130:3-4). These were good words to me, especially the latter part – that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might be feared. That is, as I then understood it, that He might be loved and held in reverence, for I comprehended that the great God did so highly value the love of His poor creatures, that rather than go without their love, He would pardon their transgressions.

The word was fulfilled on me, and I was also refreshed by it, that I would be ashamed and never open your mouth anymore because of your humiliation, when I have forgiven you for all that you have done, the Lord GOD declares (Ezekiel 16:63). So my soul was at this time, and I thought it would forever be, set free from being again afflicted with my former guilt and disbelief.

But before many weeks were over, I began to despond again, fearing that I might still be deceived and destroyed in the end, even after all that I had recently enjoyed. I strongly considered that whatever comfort and peace I thought I had from the Word of the promise of life, unless I could find more in Scripture that would be in agreement with what I recently understood, no matter how strongly I believed it and held on to it, I would find no such peace in the end. I wanted to be certain that what I believed was truly from God's Word and was not just an idea of man that I imagined was from the Bible. I knew the Word of God was certain, for the Scripture cannot be broken (John 10:35).

My heart again began to ache and fear that I might meet with disappointment in the end. Therefore I began with all seriousness to examine that which recently brought me comfort and to consider whether someone who had sinned as I had done would be able to confidently trust in the faithfulness of God as it had been laid down in those words by which I had been comforted and on which I had leaned.

Now those other sayings were brought to my mind: For in the case of those who have once been enlightened and have tasted of the heavenly gift and have been made partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, it is impossible to renew them again to repentance (Hebrews 6:4-6). For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a terrifying expectation of judgment and the fury of a fire which will consume the adversaries (Hebrews 10:26-27). Even like Esau, who sold his own birthright for a single meal. For you know that even afterwards, when he desired to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought for it with tears (Hebrews 12:16-17).

The word of the gospel now seemed to be forced away from my soul, so that I could find no promise or encouragement in the Bible for me. The verse worked upon my spirit to afflict me: Do not rejoice, O Israel, with exultation like the nations (Hosea 9:1). I saw indeed that there was reason for those who held to Jesus to rejoice, but as for me, I had cut myself off from Him by my transgressions, and I left myself with nothing to hold on to from the precious Word of God.

I felt myself sink into a gulf, as a house whose foundation is destroyed. I compared myself in this condition to the case of a child who had fallen into a pit; who, though he could move around and splash and squirm in the water, yet because he could find nothing for either his hand or foot to hold, therefore at last he would die in that condition.
Chapter 12

Grace Sufficient – for Me!

As soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul, that verse came into my heart that this would be for many days (Daniel 10:14 KJV). Indeed it was, for I found no deliverance or peace for nearly two and a half years. Those words, though in themselves they tended to discouragement, yet to me, who was afraid that this condition would be eternal, were sometimes helpful and refreshing to me, as they gave me hope that the assault would end at last.

For I thought that many days are not forever. Many days will have an end. Therefore, since I was to be afflicted for many days, I was glad it was not to be forever. I did not think about this constantly, and sometimes when these thoughts did enter my mind, I was able to find some comfort and relief by reminding myself that these days were not forever.

While these verses lay before me and laid sin anew at my door, Luke 18 and other passages encouraged me to pray. Then the tempter again fiercely attacked me, suggesting that I should not concern myself with either the mercy of God or the blood of Christ, for they could not help me because of my sin, and so it was useless for me to pray. Yet, I thought, I will pray.

The tempter then told me that my sin was unpardonable. "Well," I said, "I will pray."

"It will do no good," Satan said.

"Yet," I said, "I will pray." So I went to God in prayer and while I was at prayer, I uttered words to this effect: "Lord, Satan tells me that neither your mercy nor Christ's blood are sufficient to save my soul. Lord, shall I honor You most by believing that you can and will, or shall I honor him by believing that You neither can nor will? Lord, I will gladly honor You by believing that You can and will."

As I was before the Lord praying in this way, even as I was on my knees before God, this verse fastened on my heart: Your faith is great (Matthew 15:28). Yet I was not able to believe that this was a prayer of faith until almost six months later, for I could not think that I had faith or that I could act in faith upon that word. I wanted to believe desperately, but could not. I went around sad and mourning, wondering if God's mercy was gone – completely gone forever. Even when I was groaning in my desperation, I sometimes greatly feared that God's mercy was indeed gone.

There was nothing now that I longed for more than to end the doubt as to this matter in question; as I was urgently desiring to know if there was indeed hope for me, these words came rolling into my mind: Will the Lord cast off for ever? And will he be favourable no more?

Will the Lord reject forever? And will He never be favorable again? Has His lovingkindness ceased forever? Has His promise come to an end forever? Has God forgotten to be gracious, or has He in anger withdrawn His compassion? (Psalm 77:7-9). And all the while these verses ran through my mind, I was sure that the answer might be that God had not cast me off forever. I still had some hope.

The questions seemed to me to carry a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor would not, cast me off altogether, but would be favorable to me. His promise does not fail and He has not forgotten to be gracious, nor would He in anger close up His tender mercy toward me. There was also something else upon my heart which I cannot now remember, that, along with this text, sweetened my heart and made me conclude that God's mercy might not yet be gone, nor was completely gone forever.

At another time, I remember questioning whether or not the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul. I was in doubt from morning until about seven or eight at night. At last, when I was quite worn out with fear, the words He is able suddenly sounded within my heart. It seemed as if the word able was spoken very loudly to me and seemed as if I had seen it as having been written in large letters. It gave a jolt to my fear and doubt – for that day, at least – such as I never had in all my life, either before or after that. Therefore He is able also to save forever those who draw near to God through Him, since He always lives to make intercession for them (Hebrews 7:25).

But one morning, when I was again at prayer and trembling under the fear that no word of God could help me, that part of a sentence darted in upon me: My grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9). At this I thought that there might be hope. How good a thing it is for God to send His Word! About two weeks before this, I had been looking at this very place in Scripture, but not finding any comfort in it for my soul, I threw down my book in anger. I thought then that the verse was not enough to help me, but now it seemed to have arms of grace so wide that it could not only hold me, but could hold many others, too.

By these words I was sustained for about seven or eight weeks, yet not without many conflicts. My peace would come and go, sometimes twenty times a day; first comfort, then trouble; peace would come, but before I could walk a quarter mile, I would be as full of fear and guilt as ever any heart could hold. This did not just happen occasionally, but it happened the entire seven or eight weeks. Like a pair of scales in my mind, my thoughts would race back and forth. Sometimes the sufficiency of grace would be uppermost, and other times the thought of Esau's parting with his birthright would reign, depending upon whether I was in peace or turmoil.

I continued to pray to God, asking that He would impress this portion of Scripture more fully on my heart; that is, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not. I now had hope that there might be mercy for me and that His grace was sufficient, but I could not get past those words. "For you" was left off, and I could not be content. I prayed to God that I would not just have hope that His grace was sufficient, but that it was sufficient for me.

One day I was in a meeting of God's people, but I was full of sadness and terror, for my fears were again strong upon me. I was now thinking that my soul was never better, but my situation remained most sad and fearful, when the following words broke in upon me with great power: My grace is sufficient for you. My grace is sufficient for you. My grace is sufficient for you. Three times together, and oh, I thought that every word was as a mighty word unto me – My and grace and sufficient and for you. They were then, and sometimes still are to me, far bigger words than many others are.

My understanding was now so enlightened that it was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven through the ceiling upon me and direct these words unto me. This broke my heart, filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust. This continued with me for several weeks and gave me encouragement to hope, although the intense glory and refreshing comfort did not last all that time. However, as soon as that powerful working of it left my heart, that other working about Esau returned upon me as before, so that my soul hung as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up and sometimes down, now in peace and then in terror.

I went on like this for many weeks – sometimes comforted and sometimes tormented. At times, my torment would be very severe, for all those verses I named before from Hebrews would be set before me as that which would keep me out of heaven. Then I would begin to repent that I ever thought such things. I would also think that there only seemed to be three or four Scriptures against me, and I would wonder if God would overlook those and save me. Other times I would think how much I might be comforted if it were not for these three or four verses, and I could not keep myself from wishing at times that those verses were not in the Bible.

Then it was as if I could see Peter and Paul and John and all the biblical writers looking with scorn upon me and holding me in derision. It was as if they said to me, "All our words are truth; one is as much true as another. It is not our writings that have cut you off from Jesus, but you have cast yourself away from Him. You must simply hold on to some of our words and believe, such as It is impossible; there remains no more sacrifice for sins (Hebrews 6:4; 10:26); and For it would be better for them not to have known the way of righteousness [the will of God], than having known it, to turn away from the holy commandment handed on to them (2 Peter 2:21); and The Scripture cannot be broken (John 10:35)."

These verses, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw were to be the judges both of my case and of me, while I stood with the avenger of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out forever (Joshua 20:3-4).

Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do or how to find the answer to the question of whether the Scriptures had room for my soul to be saved. I trembled at the writings of the apostles, for I knew their words were true and that they would stand forever.

I remember one day when I was still in varying frames of mind, depending upon which set of Bible verses came to my mind. If the verses were about grace, then I was calm and at peace, but if they were the verses about Esau, then I was tormented. If both sets of these verses would meet in my heart at once, I wondered which of them would get the better of me. So I wanted them both to come together upon me at the same time, and I asked God that they might.

Well, about two or three days later, that did indeed happen. They both bolted upon me at once and worked and struggled strangely in me for a while. At last, those verses about Esau's birthright began to grow weak and withdraw and vanish, while those regarding the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy. As I was considering what had happened, the verse came home to me, that mercy rejoices over judgment (James 2:13).

This was astonishing to me, yet I am apt to think it was truly of God, for the word of the law and wrath must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation is glorious, the word of life and salvation far exceeds it in glory (2 Corinthians 3:8-12). Also, Moses and Elijah must both go away and leave Christ alone with His saints (Mark 9:5-7).

John 6:37 also most sweetly visited my soul: The one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out. Oh, the comfort that I have had from this word, certainly not, as Jesus should say by no means, for nothing – whatever He has done will stand. But Satan greatly labored to pull this promise from me, telling me that Christ did not mean me or other people like me, but sinners who had not done as I had done. I would answer Satan that there is no exception here in God's Word, but the one who comes, HE, any he; the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out. And this I still remember well, that of all the tricks that Satan used to try take this verse from me, he never asked me if I was coming to Jesus the right way. I have thought the reason was because Satan thought I knew well what it means to come to Jesus the right way. For I saw that to come the right way was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin. If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ – Satan at one end and I at the other. Oh, what a struggle we had. It was for this in John 6:37 that we did so pull and strive. He pulled and I pulled, but God be praised, I got the better of him, and I found some joy in that.
Chapter 13

Christ: My Righteousness

Notwithstanding all these helps and blessed words of grace, the verse about Esau selling his birthright would still at times distress my conscience; for though I had been most sweetly comforted recently, yet when that verse came into my mind, it would make me fear again. I could not get the thought completely out of my mind, and every day would be like that. I tried to think about this another way. I tried to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought in every word. So when I had considered it, I found that I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He would be my Savior or not. My wicked words had been these: "Let Him go if He wants to." Then that verse gave me hope, I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you (Hebrews 13:5). I said to the Lord that I had left Him, but He replied, "But I will not leave you." For this I thank God!

Still I was grievously afraid that He would leave me, and I found it very difficult to trust Him since I had so greatly sinned against Him. I would have been incredibly glad if I had never had that thought, for then I could have leaned upon His grace with more ease and freedom. It was with me as it was with Joseph's brothers; the guilt of their own wickedness often filled them with fears that their brother would at last despise them (Genesis 50:15-17).

But above all the verses that I encountered, the twentieth chapter of Joshua was the greatest comfort to me. It speaks of the manslayer who was to flee for refuge. Moses said that if the avenger of blood pursued the manslayer, then the elders of the city of refuge should not deliver him into the hand of the avenger of blood, because the manslayer killed his neighbor accidentally and did not hate him. Oh, blessed be God for this word. I was convinced that I was like the manslayer, and the avenger of blood pursued me. I felt great terror and did not know if I had the right to enter the city of refuge (Joshua 20:1-6). I found that the one who lay in wait to shed blood, he who killed deliberately and willfully, was not allowed to enter the city of refuge. It was not the willful murderer who could enter the city of refuge, but he who unintentionally shed blood – not of spite, or grudge, or malice – but he who had no intention of hurting another, even he who did not hate his neighbor before.

I truly believed that I was one who could enter, because I had done the wrong to my neighbor accidentally and did not hate him in the past. No, I did not hate God, but I had prayed to Him. I had a tender conscience regarding my sinning against Him. Yes, and I had fought against this wicked temptation for a year before. Also, when those words had passed through my heart, I had not intended to say them. So I thought I had the right to enter this city, and the elders, representing the apostles, were not to deliver me up. This provided much comfort to me and gave me much reason to hope.

I tried to be very cautious, for my hurt caused me to wonder if the ground was strong enough to bear me or if it would give way under me. I had one question that my soul desired to have resolved. The question was whether it was possible for anyone who had indeed sinned the unpardonable sin to later receive even the least true spiritual comfort from God through Christ. After I had considered this much, I concluded that the answer was, "No, they could not." I concluded this for the following reasons:

First, because those who have sinned the unpardonable sin are forbidden a share in the blood of Christ, and being shut out of that, they must necessarily be empty of the least ground of hope and spiritual comfort. For to such there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins (Hebrews 10:26). Secondly, because they are denied a share in the promise of life. They shall never be forgiven, either in this age or in the age to come (Matthew 12:32). Thirdly, because the Son of God excludes them also from a share in His blessed intercession, being forever ashamed to claim them before His holy Father and the blessed angels in heaven (Mark 8:38).

When I had thoughtfully considered this matter, I concluded that the Lord had comforted me even after my wicked sin. Then, I thought I would try again to read those verses that I had found to be most fearful and dreadful – those that I had wished were not in the Bible, thinking that they would destroy me and prove my eternal damnation. Now, though, I actually found some encouragement to read and consider them again and to reflect upon their breadth and meaning.

When I began to do so, I found that their appearance had changed. They did not seem as threatening to me as before. First, I came to the sixth chapter of Hebrews, still trembling for fear it might strike me, but when I had considered it, I found that the falling there was a falling quite away. That is, as I understood it, it was a falling from and an absolute denial of the gospel of remission of sins by Christ, for from this point the apostle begins his argument (Hebrews 6:1-3). Secondly, I found that this falling away must be open and public, even in the view of the world, so as to put Christ to an open shame. Thirdly, I found that those for whom it was impossible that they should be renewed again unto repentance were forever shut away by God because of spiritual blindness, hardness of heart, and lack of repentance. To God's everlasting praise, by all these particulars, I found that my sin was not the sin mentioned here.

First, I was fallen, but not fallen away from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternal life. Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ to shame by my sin, but not to open shame. I did not deny Him before men nor condemn Him as ineffective before the world. Thirdly, I did not find that God had shut me out or denied me to come to Him, though I found it hard work indeed to come to Him by sorrow and repentance. Blessed be God for His unsearchable grace.

Next I considered the tenth chapter of Hebrews and found that the willful sin mentioned there is not every willful sin, but it refers to those who turn away and reject Christ and His commandments. Secondly, that too must be done openly before two or three witnesses, to answer that of the law (Hebrews 10:28). Thirdly, this sin cannot be committed except with great disregard for and contempt to the Spirit of grace, rejecting both the warnings to keep from that sin and the enticement to the contrary. The Lord knows that although my sin was devilish, it was not to this extent.

Concerning the twelfth chapter of Hebrews about Esau selling his birthright, though this was the verse that tormented me and stood like a spear against me, now I considered it with different understanding. First, Esau did not do what he did because he was reacting hastily and from an overworked mind, but his was a planned thought and was put into practice after some deliberation (Genesis 25). Secondly, it was a public and open action, even before his brother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far more heinous nature than it otherwise would have been. Thirdly, he continued to slight his birthright: He ate and drank, and rose and went on his way. Thus Esau despised his birthright (Genesis 25:34). Twenty years later, he was found to despise it still. But Esau said, I have plenty, my brother; let what you have be your own (Genesis 33:9).

Now some thoughts about Esau seeking a place of repentance. I first saw that this was not for the birthright, but for the blessing. This is clear from the apostle, and it is distinguished by Esau himself: He took away my birthright [that is, formerly], and, behold, now he has taken away my blessing (Genesis 27:36). Secondly, I went again to the apostle to see what might be the mind of God in a New Testament style and sense concerning Esau's sin. As far as I could understand, the mind of God was that the birthright signified regeneration, and the blessing signified the eternal inheritance, for so the apostle seems to hint: That there be no immoral or godless person like Esau, who sold his own birthright for a single meal (Hebrews 12:16). It was as if he said, "Lest there is any person among you who would cast off all those blessed beginnings of God that are upon him, in order to be born again, lest they become as Esau and even be rejected afterwards, when they could inherit the blessing."

For there are many people who, in the day of grace and mercy, despise those things which are indeed the birthright to heaven; who, when the deciding day appears, will cry as loudly as Esau, Lord, Lord, open to us. Just as Isaac would not change his mind, no more will God the Father change His, but will say, And blessed him? Yes, and he shall be blessed; but to the others He will say, Depart from me, all you evildoers (Genesis 27:33; Luke 13:25-27).

When I had considered these verses and found that to understand them in this way was not against, but was according to other verses, this added further to my encouragement and comfort, and also gave a great blow to the objection that the many verses could not agree in the salvation of my soul. Now only the last part of the storm remained, for the thunder was already past me. Only some drops remained that would now and then fall upon me, but because my former fear and anguish were very painful and deep, it still happened to me as it happens to those who have been scared with fire: I thought every voice was "Fire, fire." Every little touch would hurt my tender conscience.

But one day, as I was walking through a field, and with a little discouragement upon my conscience, fearing that all might not yet be right, suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul: "Your righteousness is in heaven." Also, I thought that with the eyes of my soul I saw Jesus Christ at God's right hand. He was there as my righteousness. No matter where I was or what I was doing, God could never say that I lacked His righteousness, for it was there right before Him. Moreover, I saw that it was not the good state of my heart that made my righteousness better, nor the bad state that made my righteousness worse, for my righteousness was Jesus Christ Himself, the same yesterday and today and forever (Hebrews 13:8).

Now my chains fell off my legs indeed. I was set free from my affliction and shackles, and my temptations also fled away. From that time on, those dreadful verses of God no longer troubled me. I went home rejoicing because of the grace and love of God. When I got home, I looked to see if I could find that sentence in the Bible, "Your righteousness is in heaven." I could not find such a verse, and my heart began to sink again. Then I was reminded of another verse, that Christ Jesus who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption (1 Corinthians 1:30). By the truth of this verse I saw that the other sentence was also true – that my righteousness is in heaven.

For by this verse, I saw that the man Christ Jesus, as He is distinct from us regarding His bodily presence, so He is our righteousness and sanctification before God. Here, therefore, I remained for some time, very sweetly at peace with God through Christ. Oh, I thought, Christ! Christ! There was nothing but Christ before my eyes. I was not focusing upon individual benefits of Christ, such as His blood, burial, or resurrection, but I considered Him as the whole Christ! I did not just see what makes up Christ, such as His virtues, relations, offices, and workings, but I saw Him – He who sits on the right hand of God in heaven.

It was glorious to me to see His exaltation and the worth and extensiveness of all His benefits, and I could now see this because I looked away from myself and to Him. All those graces of God that were now new in me were but like the small change that rich men carry in their pockets, when their gold is in their trunks at home! Oh, I saw my gold was in my trunk at home – in Christ, my Lord and Savior! Now Christ was all: all my wisdom, all my righteousness, all my sanctification, and all my redemption (1 Corinthians 1:30).

Further, the Lord led me into the mystery of union with the Son of God, that I was joined to Him, that I was flesh of His flesh and bone of His bone, and Ephesians 5:30 became sweet to me: Because we are members of His body. By this also my faith in Jesus as my righteousness was further confirmed to me, for if He and I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His merits mine, and His victory also mine. Now I could see myself in heaven and earth at once: in heaven because of my Christ – my Head, my righteousness, and my life, though on earth because of my body or person.

I now saw that Christ Jesus was seen by God and should also be seen by us as the one in whom all the whole body of His elect are always to be deemed and counted. It is all because of Jesus. We fulfilled the law in Him, died in Him, rose from the dead in Him, and got the victory over sin, death, the devil, and hell in Him. When He died, we died; and so with His resurrection. Your dead will live; Their corpses will rise, He says (Isaiah 26:19). And again, He will revive us after two days; He will raise us up on the third day, that we may live before Him (Hosea 6:2). This is now fulfilled by the Son of Man sitting down on the right hand of the Majesty in the heavens, according to the book of Ephesians: He has raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus (Ephesians 2:6).

Ah, these blessed thoughts and verse, with many others like them, were in those days made to shine in my eyes, so that I had much reason to say, Praise the LORD! Praise God in His sanctuary; Praise Him in His mighty expanse. Praise Him for His mighty deeds; Praise Him according to His excellent greatness (Psalm 150:1-2).
Chapter 14

The Cause and Benefit of Temptations

I have briefly shared with you a taste of the sorrow and affliction that my soul went through by the guilt and terror produced by my wicked thought and how I was delivered from that. Then I told you about the sweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards; the comfort stayed in my heart for about a year, to my unspeakable appreciation. I will now, God willing, briefly explain what I believe was the cause of this temptation and how my soul benefited from it.

I believe that there were two main causes, both to which I deeply adhered all the time this trouble lay upon me. The first was that when I was delivered from the temptations that were past, I did not pray to God to keep me from temptations that were to come. For though I can truthfully say that my soul was much in prayer before this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only or mainly for the removal of present troubles and for fresh discoveries of His love through Christ! I saw afterwards that was not enough, but I also should have prayed that the great God would keep me from the evil that was to come.

I became deeply aware of this by the prayer of holy David, who, when he was under present mercy, yet prayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation to come: Then shall I be upright, and I shall be innocent from the GREAT transgression (Psalm 19:13 KJV, author's emphasis). By this very word was I tormented and condemned all through this long temptation.

There was also another verse that greatly condemned me for my foolishness in neglecting this duty to pray: Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need (Hebrews 4:16). This I had not done, and therefore I was left to sin and fall, according to what is written, Praying, that you may not enter into temptation (Matthew 26:41). This very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me, that when I come before the Lord, I dare not get up off my knees until I entreat Him for help and mercy against the temptations that are to come. I urge you who are reading this to learn from my negligence and beware that you do not neglect to ask God to help you resist future temptations, especially as you see all the affliction and sorrow that I endured for days, and months, and years due to my neglect.

Another cause of this temptation was that I had tempted God. My wife was with child, but before her full time was come, her pangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her, as if she would have immediately gone into labor and been delivered prematurely. It was at this very time that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God. Wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said in my heart, "Lord, if You will now remove this sad affliction from my wife and cause her to have no more difficulty tonight, then I will know that You can discern the most secret thoughts of the heart."

I had no sooner said this in my heart than her pangs were taken from her and she fell into a deep sleep, and so she continued until morning. At this I greatly marveled, not knowing what to think, but after I had been awake a good while and heard her cry no more, I fell asleep also. So when I woke up in the morning, I remembered what I had said in my heart the night before and how the Lord had shown me that He knew my secret thoughts, which was a great astonishment to me for several weeks.

Well, about a year and a half later, that wicked sinful thought went through my wicked heart that I told of before: "Let Him go if He wants to." So when I was fallen under guilt for this, the remembrance of my other thought and how God answered my request would also come upon me, reminding me and rebuking me that God certainly knows the most secret thoughts of my heart.

And with this, the passages that were between the Lord and his servant Gideon fell upon my spirit, how Gideon tempted God with his fleece, both wet and dry, when he should have believed and proceeded upon His word. The Lord tested him afterwards by sending him against an innumerable company of enemies with what appeared to be without any strength or help (Judges 6-7). So God justly chastised me, for I should have believed His word and not have put an if upon the all-seeingness of God.

Now I will tell you some of the advantages that I gained by this temptation. Because of this, I continually sensed the being and glory of God and of His beloved Son. In the previous temptations, my soul had been perplexed with unbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the being of God, Christ, the truth of the Word, and certainty of the world to come. I was greatly assaulted and tormented with atheism, but now things were different, and God and Jesus Christ were continually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, but in a way of exceeding dread and terror. The glory of the holiness of God did at this time break me to pieces, and the mercy and compassion of Christ broke me as if I were being tortured on the wheel, for I could not consider Him except as the Christ whom I had lost and rejected, and the remembrance of this was as the continual breaking of my bones.

The Scriptures now became wonderful to me. I saw that the truth and certainty of them were the keys of the kingdom of heaven; those whom the Scriptures favor must inherit bliss, but those whom they oppose and condemn must perish evermore. This word, And the Scripture cannot be broken would rend my heart (John 10:35). This verse did likewise: If you forgive the sins of any, their sins have been forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they have been retained (John 20:23). I saw now the apostles to be the elders of the city of refuge, those whom they were to receive in were received to life, but those whom they shut out were to be slain by the avenger of blood (Joshua 20:4).

One sentence of Scripture that seemed to stand against me did more to afflict and terrify my mind than an army of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe unto him against whom the Scriptures bend themselves.

By this temptation, I was able to see more clearly into the nature of the promises of the Bible than I ever saw before. I was now trembling under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rent by the thunderings of His justice. This made me, with a careful heart, watchful eye, and great seriousness, turn over every page of the Bible with much diligence and trembling, considering every sentence along with its natural force and breadth.

This temptation also helped me put aside my former foolish practice of dismissing the word of promise when it came into my mind. For now, though I could not taste all of the comfort and sweetness from the promise as I had done at other times, I saw that just like a drowning man, I should grab whatever I saw that might help me. Previously, I thought I should not carefully consider the promise unless I felt its comfort, but now I could not afford to ignore or reject any hope, as the avenger of blood pursued me so closely.

Now, even though I was not sure that a specific promise was for me, I was happy to reach for it and try to apply it to myself, even if I was not certain that it was intended for my circumstance. I would also now try to take the Word of God as it was written, without restraining the natural force of one syllable of it. Oh, what I now saw in that blessed verse, John 6:37: And the one who comes to Me I will certainly not cast out. Now I began to consider that God could speak greater words than my heart was able to fully understand. I thought also that He had not spoken His words in haste, but with infinite wisdom and judgment and in very truth and faithfulness.

In these days, when I was often in great agony, I would head toward the promise in the same way as horses that are sticking in the mud try to head toward solid ground. I concluded, though nearly out of my mind due to fear, that I would rest and stay upon God's promise and leave the fulfilling of it to the God of heaven who made the promise. Many times Satan pulled at my heart, trying to rip John 6:37 out of it. I did not now look mainly for comfort, as I had done at other times, though it would have been quite welcome to me, but now I hunted for something else – a word upon which to lean my weary soul, that I might not sink forever!

Yes, often when I was trying to make my way toward God's promise, it seemed as if the Lord would refuse my soul forever. It often seemed as if I had come up against pikes or spears aimed at me, and as if the Lord had thrust a flaming sword to keep me from Him. I would then think of Esther, who went to petition the king contrary to the law (Esther 4:16). I thought also of Benhadad's servants, who went with ropes upon their heads to their enemies for mercy (1 Kings 20:31). The woman of Canaan who would not be deterred, though called a dog by Christ (Matthew 15:20-28), and the man who went to borrow bread at midnight (Luke 11:5-8) were great encouragements to me.

I never saw such heights and depths in grace and love and mercy as I saw after this temptation. Great sins draw out great grace, and where guilt is most terrible and fierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to the soul, appears most high and mighty. When Job had passed through his troubles, he had twofold (Job 42:10). Blessed be God for Jesus Christ our Lord. Many other things I might make observation of here, but I want to be brief, and therefore I will omit them at this time and pray to God that my experience may cause others to fear to offend God, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as I did.

At or about the time of my deliverance from this temptation, two or three times I had such strange anticipation of the grace of God that I could hardly bear up under it. It was so extraordinarily amazing when I thought that God's grace could reach me that I think if that sense of it had rested upon me longer, it would have made me incapable of functioning.
Chapter 15

Growth and Fellowship

Now I will tell you about how the Lord dealt with me at other times and the temptations I met with when I first joined in fellowship with the people of God in Bedford. After I had presented to the church that my desire was to walk in the order and ordinances of Christ with them, I was admitted by them. I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ, which was His last supper with His disciples before His death. That verse, Do this in remembrance of me (Luke 22:19), became very precious to me, for by these words the Lord revealed to my conscience the reality of His death for my sins, and I then felt as if He plunged me into its virtue.

But behold, I had not been partaking of that ordinance very long when such fierce and sad temptations visited me during the ordinance, both to blaspheme the ordinance and to wish some deadly thing to happen to those who ate thereof. So that I would not be guilty of consenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced to bend myself all the while in prayer to God to keep me from such blasphemies and also to cry out to God to bless the bread and cup to them as it went from mouth to mouth. I have since thought that the reason for this temptation was that I did not partake of the ordinance at first with the proper reverence.

I continued in this way for about nine months, and I could never find rest or ease, but at last the Lord came in upon my soul with Luke 22:19 – that same verse by which my soul was visited before; since then I have usually been very well and comfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance. I trust I have discerned the Lord's body as broken for my sins, and that His precious blood has been shed for my transgressions.

There was a time when I was somewhat ill due to a consumption, with which I suddenly became very weak and did not think that I would live. I again began to seriously examine my state and condition for the future and my evidences for that blessed world to come. It has, I bless the name of God, always been my usual course, especially during times of affliction, to try to keep my claim in the life to come clearly in view.

I had no sooner begun to recall my former experience of the goodness of God to my soul, when there came rushing into my mind thoughts of my many sins and transgressions. The remembrance of my deadness, dullness, and coldness in holy duties, my wanderings of heart, my wearisomeness in all good things, and my lack of love to God, His ways, and His people added most to my affliction. To add to this was the question in my mind of whether these sins could possibly be the fruit of Christianity and the qualities of someone in Christ.

At the dread of these things I felt worse than before, for now I was sick in my inward man, and my soul was clogged with guilt. Also, my former experience of God's goodness to me was forgotten and hid as if it had never been. Now my soul was greatly pinched between these two considerations: I must not live, but I dare not die. I sunk and fell in my spirit and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and down in the house in a most woeful state, that word of God took hold of my heart, that we are justified as a gift by His grace through the redemption which is in Christ Jesus (Romans 3:24). Oh, what a difference that made upon me!

Now I was as one awakened out of some troublesome sleep and dream. Listening to this heavenly sentence was as if I had heard it explained to me in this way: "Sinner, you think that because of your sins and infirmities I cannot save your soul, but behold, My Son is by Me, and upon Him I look, and not on you. I will deal with you according as I am pleased with Him." At this I was greatly relieved in my mind, and I understood that God could justify a sinner at any time. The work of redemption was done as He looked upon Christ and imputed His benefits to us.

As I was reflecting upon this, that verse also came with great power upon my spirit: He saved us, not on the basis of deeds which we have done in righteousness, but according to His mercy (Titus 3:5; 2 Timothy 1:9). Now I was delighted. I saw myself within the arms of grace and mercy, and whereas before I was afraid to think of my dying hour, now I cried, "Let me die," for I knew I was ready. Now death was lovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw that we will never truly live until we have gone to the other world. Oh, I thought that this life was but a slumber in comparison to that above. At this time also I saw more in those words heirs of God (Romans 8:17) than I will ever be able to express while I live in this world. Heirs of God! God Himself is the inheritance of the saints. This I saw and wondered at, yet I cannot fully express how I felt.

Another time I was very ill and weak, and all that time the tempter strongly attacked me. I find that as one is close to death, Satan likes to assault the soul. He took this opportunity to try to hide my former experience of God's goodness from me, and also to set before me the terrors of death and the judgment of God. At this time, through my fear of failing forever if I should now die, I was as one dead before death came, and was as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit. I thought that I had no other option but to go to hell. But behold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, those words of the angels carrying Lazarus into Abraham's bosom darted in upon me, as if they said, "Just as the angels carried Lazarus, so it shall be with you when you leave this world." This sweetly revived my spirit and helped me find hope in God, which, when I had with comfort reflected upon this for a while, that word fell with great weight upon my mind: O Death, where is your victory? O Death, where is your sting? (1 Corinthians 15:55). At this I became well, both in body and mind at once, for my sickness immediately vanished, and I walked comfortably in my work for God again.

Another time, just before I was pretty well and pleasant in my spirit, there suddenly fell upon me a great cloud of darkness which hid the things of God and Christ from me, so that it was as if I had never seen or known them in my life. I was also so overrun in my soul with a senseless, heartless frame of spirit that I could not feel my soul move or seek after grace and life in Christ. It was as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet had been tied or bound with chains.

At this time also I felt some weakness in my body, which made the other affliction still the more heavy and uncomfortable to me. After I had been in this condition for three or four days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt this word in my heart, that I must go to Jesus. When I heard this, my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessed things of heaven were set within my view. This sudden word had taken me by surprise, and I asked my wife if she knew of a verse in the Bible that said "I must go to Jesus." She said that she did not know of one, so I sat there trying to think if I could remember such a verse. I had only been thinking about it for two or three minutes when I thought of Hebrews 12: But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to myriads of angels, to the general assembly and church of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the Judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood, which speaks better than the blood of Abel (Hebrews 12:22-24).

Then with joy I told my wife that I remembered such a Bible passage! That night was a good night for me – one of the best I have ever had. I longed for the company of some of God's people that I might share with them what God had shown me. Christ was a precious Christ to my soul that night. I could hardly lie in my bed due to joy and peace and triumph through Christ. This great glory did not continue upon me until morning, but Hebrews 12 was a blessed Bible passage to me for many days after this.

Through this blessed passage, the Lord led me over and over, first to this word, and then to that, and He showed me His wonderful glory in every one of them. These words also have often since then provided great refreshment to my spirit. Blessed be God for having mercy on me.

* * *

 The mode of admitting members into the church, among the Baptists, appears to have been the same in Bunyan's days as it is now practiced. First, he is introduced to the minister, who endeavours to ascertain whether there is an earnest desire to flee from the wrath to come, sincere repentance, and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. If so, he mentions it to the church. People are appointed to encourage the young convert and to scrutinize his moral character. If they are satisfied, he is invited to attend a private church meeting, and if the members have a good hope that he is a decided believer in Jesus, they receive him into their fellowship. If he requests it, he is publicly baptized in water and takes part with the church at the Lord's table. This appears to have been the mode in which Bunyan was admitted into the church at Bedford. 
Chapter 16

Call to the Work of the Ministry

I will now briefly share a little about my preaching of the Word of God and how God dealt with me in this area. I had been spiritually awakened for about five or six years, having seen both the need for Jesus Christ our Lord and His great worth, and also having cast my soul upon Him by faith. Some of the finest saints among us, known for their holiness and godly judgment, expressed their belief that God had counted me worthy to understand something of His will in His holy and blessed Word and had given me the ability and gifts in some measure to teach and edify others from God's Holy Word. Therefore, they earnestly desired that I would be willing to occasionally lead one of the meetings and speak a word of exhortation to them.

Though at first their request spoiled and disturbed my spirit, yet as they continued to ask me and desire me to lead some meetings and speak, I consented to their request. At two different private assemblies, though with much weakness and infirmity, I exposed my gift among them. The people not only seemed to be both affected and comforted by my discourse, but they also admitted the same in the sight of the great God, and they gave thanks to the Father of mercies for the grace bestowed on me.

After this, when some of them would go into the country to teach, they would sometimes ask me to go with them. I would go, but I did not yet make use of my gift in an open way, but continued to speak more privately as I came among the good people in those places. I did sometimes speak a word of admonition unto them also. As with the others, they received the word with rejoicing, spoke of the mercy of God toward me, and professed that their souls were edified by what I had said.

At last, still being desired by the church, and after some solemn prayer to the Lord, with fasting, I was more specifically called forth and appointed to more regularly and publicly preach the Word, not only to and among those who believed, but I was also to offer the gospel to those who had not yet received the faith. About this time I had in my mind a secret willingness and desire to do the same, though I bless God that it was not for desire of vain glory, for at that time I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of the devil concerning my eternal state.

I soon found that I could not be content unless I was found exercising my gift. Not only did preaching the Word of God enliven me, but I was encouraged by the continual desires of the godly and also by that saying of Paul to the Corinthians: Now I urge you, brethren (you know the household of Stephanas, that they were the first fruits of Achaia, and that they have devoted themselves for ministry to the saints), that you also be in subjection to such men and to everyone who helps in the work and labors (1 Corinthians 16:15-16).

By this text I saw that the Holy Spirit never intended that men who have gifts and abilities should bury them in the earth but rather commanded and stirred them up to exercise their gift, and also commended those who were able and ready to do so: They have devoted themselves for ministry to the saints. This verse in these days continually ran through my mind to encourage and strengthen me in this, my work for God. I have also been encouraged from several other verses and from examples of the godly, both specified in the Word and those in other ancient histories (for example: Acts 8:4; 18:24-25; 1 Peter 4:10; Romans 12:6; Foxe's Book of Martyrs).

Therefore, though I consider myself of all the saints the most unworthy, yet with great fear and trembling at the sight of my own weakness, I did set upon the work. According to my gift and the proportion of my faith, I preached that blessed gospel that God had shown me in the Holy Word of truth. People by the hundreds came from all around to hear the Word preached. They came from all over the countryside, though they came under varied and diverse circumstances.

I thank God that He gave me some degree of concern and compassion for their souls, which motivated me to work with great diligence and earnestness. I labored to find the right Bible passage and words that would, if God would bless them, lay hold of and awaken the conscience. The good Lord respected this desire of me, His servant, to be used by Him in this way. I had not preached long before some of the hearers began to be touched by the Word and to be greatly afflicted in their minds as they began to understand the greatness of their sin and of their need of Jesus Christ.

At first I could not believe that God would speak by me to the heart of anyone, as I still counted myself unworthy, yet those who were thus touched would love me and have a peculiar respect for me. Though in my mind I dismissed that they were awakened by means of God using me, still they would confess it and affirm it before the saints of God. They would also thank God for me, unworthy wretch that I am, and consider me God's instrument who showed them the way of salvation.

Therefore, seeing that both their words and deeds were so constant and that their hearts were so earnestly pressing after the knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that God sent me where they were, I began to conclude that God might really want such a foolish one as I was in His work. Then came that word of God to my heart with much sweet refreshment: The blessing of the one ready to perish came upon me, and I made the widow's heart sing for joy (Job 29:13).

At this therefore I rejoiced. The tears of those whom God had awakened by my preaching was both a comfort and an encouragement to me, for I thought on those sayings, Who then makes me glad but the one whom I made sorrowful? (2 Corinthians 2:2), and If to others I am not an apostle, at least I am to you; for you are the seal of my apostleship in the Lord (1 Corinthians 9:2). These things, therefore, were more proof to me that God had called me to this work and stood by me in it.

In my preaching of the Word, I took special notice that the Lord led me to begin where His Word begins with sinners – that is, to condemn all flesh and to declare that because of sin, the curse of God, by the law, belongs to and lays hold on all people as they come into the world. This part of my work I fulfilled with great passion, for the terrors of the law and guilt for my transgressions lay heavy on my conscience. I preached what I felt, what I painfully felt, even that under which my poor soul groaned and trembled with astonishment.

Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from the dead. I went myself in chains to preach to those who were in chains. I carried that fire in my own conscience of which I persuaded them to beware. I can truly say that when I have been getting ready to preach, I have gone full of guilt and terror even to the pulpit door, and just then, the guilt and terror were taken away and I freely spoke until my work was done. Then immediately, even before I could descend the pulpit stairs, I felt the guilt and terror as much as I had before. God carried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guilt or hell could cause me to stop my work.

For the next two years I went about crying out against people's sins and their fearful state because of those sins. The Lord then brought consistent peace and comfort to my own soul through Christ, for He gave me many sweet discoveries of His blessed grace through Jesus. Therefore now my preaching changed somewhat. I still preached what I saw and felt, but now I labored to proclaim Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefits unto the world. I also strove to reveal, condemn, and remove those false supports on which the world leans and by which they fall and perish. I continued preaching on these things for as long as I had preached on the other.

After this, God led me into something of the mystery of union with Christ; wherefore, I also preached and explained that to the people. After I had traveled through these three main points of the Word of God during the space of about five years, I was arrested and cast into prison, where I have been for about five years, to confirm the truth by way of suffering, as I testified of it before according to the Scriptures by way of preaching.

I thank God that when I have been preaching, my heart has often cried to Him with great earnestness that He would make the Word effectual to the salvation of the soul, for I was still burdened that the enemy might take the Word away from the conscience, and it would become unfruitful. Therefore, I labored to speak the Word so that, if it were possible, the guilty person might feel that I was speaking specifically about him and his specific sins.

Also, when I had done so, my heart has thought that the Word would now fall as rain on stony places. I wished from my heart that those who heard me speak would see as I do what sin, death, hell, and the curse of God are, and also what the grace and love and mercy of God are, through Christ, especially to those who do not yet know Him. Indeed, I often said in my heart before the Lord that if the people would be awakened and confirmed in the truth by me being hanged before their eyes, then I would gladly be content.

For while I have been preaching, especially when I have been proclaiming the doctrine of life by Christ apart from works, it was as if an angel of God had stood at my back to encourage me. Oh, it has been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been laboring to explain and to prove it and to fasten it upon the consciences of others, that I could not be content with saying I believe and am sure. I thought I was more than sure, if I may express myself in this way, that those things which I then asserted were true.

* * *

 This is a very correct view of the excellent mode in which dissenting ministers are generally called to their important work. First, their gifts in prayer and conversation upon Divine things and aptness in illustrating and confirming what they advance from the Scriptures is noticed. Secondly, they are encouraged to pray with and address the children in a Sunday school. If they manifest an aptness to teach, they are, thirdly, invited to give an exhortation to the church privately. Then, fourthly, they are encouraged to pray and preach among the poor in country villages and in work-houses. The God who gave the wish and the talent soon opens a way to still more public usefulness. In most cases, they enter upon a course of study to fit them for their momentous labors; but many of our most valuable ministers have, like Bunyan, relied entirely upon their prayerful investigation of the Scriptures. His college was a dungeon, his library the Bible; and he came forth with gigantic power to grapple with the prince of darkness. No human learning could have so fitted him for this agonizing and mysterious warfare.

 John Bunyan became a deacon and began preaching in 1655. It was illegal then to preach publicly without a license, and a license could not be obtained unless one was ordained in the Church of England. After his arrest, Bunyan spent most of the next twelve years in prison.
Chapter 17

Opposition

When I first traveled around to preach the Word, the religious doctors and priests of the country fiercely opposed and attacked me. However, I was determined not to denounce them in return, but to see how many of their unsaved followers I could convince of their wretched condition by the law of Moses and of the need and worth of Christ. I thought that this method would serve me well when I had to give an account of their souls in time to come. So my honesty will answer for me later, when you come concerning my wages (Genesis 30:33).

I never cared to get involved in needless controversies and unnecessary disputes among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature (Titus 3:9). Yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus (Jude 3). But as to other things, I would leave them alone, because I saw that they caused strife, and because neither by discussing or avoiding them were any brought into the family of God. Besides, I saw that my work for God took me in a different direction, even to carry an awakening word; so I stuck to my job and adhered to the purpose.

I never endeavored to, nor did I dare to make use of other men's sermons (Romans 15:18), though I do not condemn others who do, for I truly thought, and found by experience, that what was taught to me by the Word and Spirit of Christ could be spoken, maintained, and held to by the soundest and best established conscience. Though I will not now speak all that I believe about this matter, my experience is more closely related to that text of Scripture than many are aware: For I would have you know, brethren, that the gospel which was preached by me is not according to man. For I neither received it from man, nor was I taught it, but I received it through a revelation of Jesus Christ (Galatians 1:11-12).

If any of those who were awakened by my ministry later fell back into the world and into sin, as sometimes too many did, I can truly say their loss has been more painful to me than if one of my own children had been dying. I truly believe, and I may speak it without fear of offending the Lord, that nothing has affected me so personally as that, unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have considered that if I could, I would not want to exchange my spiritual children who were born again for fine buildings and lordships. My heart has been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work that I counted myself more blessed and honored of God by this work than if He had made me the emperor of the Western world or the lord of all the glory of the earth! Oh, these verses gave me great joy and comfort: He who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death (James 5:20). The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life, and he who is wise wins souls (Proverbs 11:30). They that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament; and they that turn many to righteousness as the stars for ever and ever (Daniel 12:3 KJV). For who is our hope or joy or crown of exultation? Is it not even you, in the presence of our Lord Jesus at His coming? For you are our glory and joy (1 Thessalonians 2:19-20). These, along with many similar verses, have provided much refreshment to me.

I have observed that where I have had a work to do in a certain place for God, He first gave me a desire to preach in that certain place. I have also observed that specific people in those places have been strongly set upon my heart, and I was stirred up to wish for their salvation. After this has happened, these very souls have been given as the fruits of my ministry. I have further observed that often something I said as a side note has accomplished more in a sermon than all else that I said. There have been times when I have thought I did no good, but saw many conversions; and other times when I thought I preached a good sermon, yet had no results.

I have also witnessed that where there were sinners ready to be saved, Satan began to roar in their hearts and by the mouths of his servants. Yet often when the wicked world raged the most, the most souls have been awakened by the Word. I could tell of particular instances, but will refrain from doing so now.

My great desire in fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country, even among those people who were furthest from professing Christ. This was not because I could not endure the light, for I was not afraid to preach the gospel to anyone, but because I found that my spirit most desired to take part in awakening and converting work, and the Word that I carried seemed best suited for that, too. And thus I aspired to preach the gospel, not where Christ was already named, so that I would not build on another man's foundation (Romans 15:20).

In my preaching, I have really been in pain and have, as it were, travailed to bring forth children to God. I could not be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were fruitless, it did not matter who commended me; but if I were fruitful, I did not care who condemned me. I have thought of that, He who is wise wins souls (Proverbs 11:30); and again, Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate (Psalm 127:3-5 KJV).

It did not please me at all to see people merely listen and have opinions if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ and the worth of their own salvation. What really delighted me and the souls I counted to be truly blessed were those who had a sound conviction of sin (especially for unbelief), a heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, and a strong desire to have a truly sanctified soul.

In this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending me, and that of diverse kinds. Sometimes I would be assaulted with great discouragement, fearing that I would not be able to speak the Word at all to anyone's edification. I sometimes feared that the people would not understand what I was saying, at which times a strange faintness and weakness seized my body so that my legs have barely been able to take me to the place where I was to preach.

Sometimes when I have been preaching I have been violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy and have been strongly tempted to speak those words to the congregation. There have been times when I have begun to speak the Word with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet before the end of the message I was so blinded and estranged from the things I had been speaking, and have also been so limited in my speech as to utterance before the people, that it was as if I had not known or remembered what I had been speaking about, or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of the sermon.

Again, sometimes when I have been about to preach upon some searching and convicting portion of the Word, the tempter suggested to me that I should not preach the message, for it would condemn myself; or that if I do preach it, I should not be so direct, but I should leave room for excuses, so instead of awakening others, I find my own soul full of guilt and might never recover.

I thank the Lord, though, that I have been kept from consenting to these horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Samson, bowed myself with all my might to condemn sin and transgression wherever I found it, even if by doing so I brought guilt upon my own conscience! Let me die with the Philistines (Judges 16:29-30), I thought, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed Word of God. You, therefore, who teach another, do you not teach yourself? (Romans 2:21). It is far better that you judge yourself, even by preaching plainly to others, than that you imprison the truth in unrighteousness to save yourself. Blessed be God for His help also in this.
Chapter 18

Gifts and Grace

While engaged in this blessed work of Christ, I have often been tempted to pride and the lifting up of my heart, and though I dare not say that I have not been infected with this, yet truly the Lord, in His precious mercy, has so helped me, that for the most part I have not much given way to such a thing. This is because it has been my portion every day to glimpse the evil of my own heart and to see such a multitude of corruptions and infirmities still therein that it has caused my head to hang down under my gifts and attainments. I have felt this thorn in the flesh to be the very mercy of God to me (2 Corinthians 12:7-9).

Along with this, I have also at times had my attention drawn to some portion of the Word that contained some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul, even though gifts were involved. For instance, this has been of great use to me: If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing (1 Corinthians 13:1-2).

A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music with which a skillful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music that all who hear him play can scarcely keep from dancing; yet the cymbal does not have life, neither does the music come from the instrument itself. The music results from the talent of him who plays the instrument. So then the instrument may in time come to nothing and be cast away, even though in times past, such beautiful music has been made upon it.

I saw that it was and will be just that way with those who have gifts but lack saving grace. They are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the hand of David; and as David could make those sounds with the cymbal in the service of God that would elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men to affect the souls of His people in His church. Also in the same way, when Christ is done using these men, they may be put aside in the same way that a lifeless, though sounding cymbal, may be hung up and put aside.

This consideration, therefore, along with some others, was for the most part as a hammer on the head of pride and the desire of vainglory. I thought, "Shall I be proud because I am a sounding brass? Is it so important to be a fiddle? Does not the least creature that has life have more of God in him than these?" Besides, I knew that love would never die, but these things must cease and vanish away. So I concluded that a little grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of God is better than all these gifts. Yes, and I am fully convinced that it is possible for someone who can barely answer a question about the things of God to have a thousand times more grace and so to be more in the love and favor of the Lord than some who by virtue of the gift of knowledge can eloquently speak like angels.

Therefore, I came to understand that though natural gifts in and of themselves are beneficial for the purpose for which they are designed – for the edification of others – yet they are empty and without power to save the soul of him who has the gift, if the person himself is empty of the grace of God. Neither are these gifts a sign of a person's potential to be happy, for they are only a dispensation of God to some, of whose improvement or non-improvement they must soon give an account to Him who is ready to judge the living and the dead.

This showed me, too, that gifts without grace were dangerous – not in themselves, but because of the evils that accompany those who have the gifts. Evils such as pride, desire of vainglory, conceit, and more, all were easily inflated at the applause and commendation of every unadvised Christian, endangering a poor creature to fall into the condemnation of the devil.

I saw that he who has gifts needs to see the nature of them – that they do not save him or mean that he is saved. He must be certain not to trust in these natural gifts and talents and so fall short of the grace of God.

He must learn to walk humbly with God and to be little in his own eyes. He must remember that his gifts are not his own, but they belong to the church, to the body of Christ, to be used in service to the members of that body. He must in the end give an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus, and a good account will be a blessed thing.

Let all men therefore add to their gifts the fear of the Lord; gifts indeed are desirable, but great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. The Bible does not say that the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory (Psalm 84:11). Blessed is the one to whom the Lord gives true grace, for that is a certain forerunner of glory.

When Satan perceived that his temptations and assaults would not serve his purpose of overthrowing my ministry and making it ineffective, he tried another way. Satan then tried to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious and have them slander and reproach me. I may say that what the devil could devise and what those whom he used could invent was spread up and down the country against me, thinking that by this means they would make my ministry to be abandoned. Therefore, people began to spread rumors that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and other things.

To all of this I will only say that God knows I am innocent. But as for my accusers, let them prepare themselves to meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God and there answer for all these things, along with all the rest of their iniquities, unless God will give them repentance, for which I pray with all my heart.

The slander that was most widely spread was that I had mistresses, enjoyed the company of loose women, had illegitimate children, had two wives at once, and the like. Now these slanders, with the other, I glory in, because these slanders, foolish and unscrupulous lies, and falsehoods were cast upon me by the devil and his followers, and if I would not be treated this wickedly by the world, then I would be missing one of the signs of being a saint and a child of God. Jesus said, Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of Me. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward in heaven is great; for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you (Matthew 5:11-12).

Therefore, these things do not trouble me personally – not even if they were twenty times more than they are. I have a good conscience, and whereas they speak wrongly of me as an evildoer, those who falsely accuse my good manner of living in Christ will be ashamed.

So then, what should I say to those who have slandered me? Should I threaten them? Should I rebuke them? Should I flatter them? Should I ask them to hold their tongues? No, not I; if it were not that these things make those who invent and spread these lies ripe for damnation, I would tell them to continue, because it would increase my glory in heaven by having these evil things said about me.

Therefore, I wear these lies and slanders as an ornament. It belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached, and reviled; since all this is nothing else, as my God and my conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in these reproaches for Christ's sake.

I also call them fools or inept who have made it their business to affirm any of the things wrongly said of me; namely, that I have been indecent with other women, or the like. When they have tried to the utmost of their ability and made the most thorough inquiry that they can to try to prove that there is any woman in heaven, or earth, or hell who can say that I have at any time, in any place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be improper with them, I beg my enemies to then hold me in good esteem. No, I will not beg any man to do this. Whether they believe me or not, it is all the same to me.

My foes have missed their mark in shooting at me. I am not the man. I wish that they themselves would be guiltless. If all the fornicators and adulterers in England were hanged by the neck until they are dead, John Bunyan, the object of their envy, would still be alive and well. I would not even know that there are any women other than my wife alive under the heavens, except by their clothing, their children, or by common fame.

And in this I admire the wisdom of God – that He made me shy of women from the time I was first converted until now. Those closest to me know and can bear witness that it is a rare thing to see me carry on a pleasant conversation with any woman. I dislike the common salutation of a woman; it is unpleasant to me in whomsoever I see it. I cannot tolerate being alone in a woman's presence. I seldom so much as touch a woman's hand, for I do not think these things are appropriate for me. When I have seen good men salute those women (as with a kiss) whom they have visited or who have visited them, I have at times made my objection against it. When they have answered that they were simply being civil, I have told them that it did not seem appropriate. Some indeed have mentioned the holy kiss, but then I have asked why they do not greet all in the same way, but only salute the prettiest women and not the rest. So, however laudable such things have been in the eyes of others, they have been unseemly in my sight.

And now to sum up this matter, I call not only men, but angels, to prove me guilty of having done anything carnally to any woman except my wife. I am not afraid to call upon God as a witness, knowing that I cannot offend the Lord in such a case, for in all these things I am innocent. It is not that I have been kept from these sins by my own goodness, but God has been merciful to me and has kept me. I pray that He will keep me still, not only from this, but from every evil way and work, and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom. Amen.
Chapter 19

Imprisonment

By his reproaches and slanders, Satan labored to have my countrymen think of me as depraved, so if possible, my preaching might be made of no effect. Added to this was a long and tedious imprisonment, that by this I might be scared away from my service for Christ and the world terrified and made afraid to hear me preach, of which I will next give you a brief account.

Having professed the glorious gospel of Christ for many years and having preached that glorious gospel for about five years, I was taken into custody at a meeting of good people in the country, among whom I was to preach that day. However, I was taken away from them and brought before a justice. I assured them that if I was released from custody, I would appear for my court date, but they committed me to jail anyway, since I would not assure them that I would not preach anymore to the people.

At the court session where I was tried, I was charged with upholding and maintaining unlawful assemblies and religious meetings and for not conforming to the national worship of the Church of England. After some conference with the justices, they took my straightforward talk with them for a confession of guilt, and they sentenced me to perpetual banishment because I refused to conform. So being again delivered up to the jailer's hands, I was taken back to prison, where I have been now for more than twelve years, waiting to see what God would allow these men to do with me.

I have continued in this condition with much contentment through grace but have met with many ups and downs and different experiences upon my heart from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions. Through all of this, glory be to Jesus Christ, I have also received much conviction, instruction, and understanding, among other things, which I will not discuss much here. I will only give you in a hint or two a word that may stir up the godly to bless God, to pray for me, and also to take encouragement if they should ever end up in my situation, not to fear what man can do to them.

Never before in all my life have I had so great an inlet into the Word of God as now. Those verses that I saw nothing in before are made to open up and shine upon me in this place and state. Also, Jesus Christ was never more real and apparent to me than now. I have seen Him and felt Him here indeed. Those words that we have not preached unto you cleverly devised tales (2 Peter 1:16), and that God raised Christ from the dead and gave Him glory, so that your faith and hope are in God (1 Peter 1:21), were blessed words unto me in my imprisoned condition.

These three or four other verses also have been of great refreshment to me while I was in this condition:

Do not let your heart be troubled; believe in God, believe also in Me. In My Father's house are many dwelling places; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you. If I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you to Myself, that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way where I am going. (John 14:1-4)

These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world. (John 16:33)

For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory. (Colossians 3:3-4)

But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to myriads of angels, to the general assembly and church of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the Judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood, which speaks better than the blood of Abel. (Hebrews 12:22-24)

Sometimes when I have been savoring these verses, I have been able to laugh at destruction and to fear neither the horse nor his rider (Job 39:18). I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place and of my being with Jesus in another world: Mount Zion, the heavenly Jerusalem, the innumerable company of angels, God the judge of all, the spirits of just men made perfect, and to Jesus have been sweet unto me in this place (Hebrews 12:22-24). I have seen that here, and I am persuaded that I will never, while in this world, be able to fully express what I have seen. I have seen a truth in that verse: And though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory (1 Peter 1:8).

I never knew before what it was for God to stand by me at all turns and at every attempt of Satan to afflict me; yet I have found Him to be always near me. When fears presented themselves, so have comforts and encouragements. Yes, when I would be scared at nothing more than my shadow, God, being very tender to me, did not allow me to be tormented, but would with one Bible verse and another, strengthen me against all. This was so dear to me that I have often said that if it were allowed, I would pray for greater trouble so that I might know God's greater comfort.

In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider - God has made the one (the day of adversity) as well as the other so that man will not discover anything that will be after him. (Ecclesiastes 7:14)

For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. (2 Corinthians 1:5)

Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, and I had two considerations especially warm upon my heart. The first was how to be able to endure if my imprisonment was long and wearisome. The second was how to be able to encounter death, if that should be my portion here. For the first of these, that verse was great counsel to me that said to pray to God to be strengthened with all power, according to His glorious might, for the attaining of all steadfastness and patience; joyously (Colossians 1:11). For about a year before I was imprisoned, I could seldom go to God in prayer but that verse would thrust itself into my mind and persuade me that if I would ever go through much suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I would endure it joyfully.

As to the second consideration of how to encounter death, 2 Corinthians 1:9 was of great use to me: We had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead. By this verse I was made to see that if ever I would suffer rightly, I must first pass a sentence of death upon everything that can properly be called a thing of this life, even to consider myself, my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyments, and all as dead to me, and myself as dead to them. He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me (Matthew 10:37).

Also, I knew that I needed to live upon God, who is invisible. As Paul said in another place, the way not to faint is to look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal (2 Corinthians 4:18). So I reasoned with myself that if I am only prepared for prison, then I will not be prepared for the whip or the stocks. If I prepared only for these, then I would not be ready to face banishment. Further, if I concluded that banishment is the worst that might happen to me, then I would be surprised if I were to face death. So I saw that the best way to go through sufferings is to trust in God through Christ, regarding the world to come; and regarding this world, to have the mindset that Sheol as my home, I make my bed in the darkness; If I call to the pit, You are my father; To the worm, my mother and my sister (Job 17:13-14); that is, to familiarize these things to me.

But despite these helps, I found myself to be human and compassed with infirmities. The parting with my wife and poor children has often been to me as the pulling my flesh from my bones – not only because I love their visits, but also because I have often thought of the many hardships, miseries, and needs that my poor family was likely to face if I were to be taken from them – especially my poor blind child, who lay nearer my heart than all I had besides. Oh, the thoughts of the hardship that my blind one might endure would break my heart to pieces.

My poor blind child, what sorrow you are likely to have for your portion in this world! You will be beaten, and must beg, suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousand calamities, though I cannot even bear that the wind should blow upon you. I thought I was as a man who was pulling down his house upon the head of his wife and children; yet, as I thought about these things, I knew that I must leave them all in the hands of God, though it hurt much to leave them. I knew that I must do it, and there was no better place to leave them than in the hands of God. I then thought of those two milk cows that were to carry the ark of God into another country and had to leave their calves behind them (1 Samuel 6:10-12).

Bunyan parting with his wife and children

* * *

 His imprisonment began in November 1660; the order for his release bears the date of September 13, 1672, but it was a few months later before he was discharged.
Chapter 20

Steadfastness in the Face of Martyrdom

There were many different thoughts that helped me with this temptation. I will tell of three in particular. The first was the consideration of those two verses: Leave your orphans behind, I will keep them alive; And let your widows trust in Me (Jeremiah 49:11), and The LORD said, Surely I will set you free for purposes of good; Surely I will cause the enemy to make supplication to you in a time of disaster and a time of distress (Jeremiah 15:11).

The second consideration was that if I should now continue and cast everything upon God, risking all for Him, then I turned it all over to God and trusted Him to take care of my concerns; but if I forsook Him and His ways out of fear of any trouble that should come to me or mine, then I should not only prove that my trust in Him was false, but I would also prove that I considered my concerns, including my family, better off if they were under my care even if I denied God's word and ways, than if I left them at the feet of God and under His care, while I stood to and for His name. This was a hurtful consideration, and was as spurs unto my flesh. That Bible passage that also greatly helped to make it even more real to me was where Christ prayed against Judas that God would disappoint him in all his selfish thoughts, which moved him to betray his master. Please read it thoughtfully and carefully:

Appoint a wicked man over him, and let an accuser stand at his right hand. When he is judged, let him come forth guilty, and let his prayer become sin. Let his days be few; Let another take his office. Let his children be fatherless and his wife a widow. Let his children wander about and beg; And let them seek sustenance far from their ruined homes. Let the creditor seize all that he has, and let strangers plunder the product of his labor. Let there be none to extend lovingkindness to him, nor any to be gracious to his fatherless children. Let his posterity be cut off; In a following generation let their name be blotted out. Let the iniquity of his fathers be remembered before the LORD, and do not let the sin of his mother be blotted out. Let them be before the LORD continually, that He may cut off their memory from the earth; Because he did not remember to show lovingkindness, but persecuted the afflicted and needy man, and the despondent in heart, to put them to death. He also loved cursing, so it came to him; And he did not delight in blessing, so it was far from him. But he clothed himself with cursing as with his garment, and it entered into his body like water and like oil into his bones. Let it be to him as a garment with which he covers himself, and for a belt with which he constantly girds himself. Let this be the reward of my accusers from the LORD, and of those who speak evil against my soul. (Psalm 109:6-20)

The third consideration was the dread of the torments of hell, which I was sure they must partake of, who for fear of the cross, back away from their profession of Christ and His words and laws before the sons of men. I thought also of the glory that He had prepared for those who, in faith and love and patience, stayed true to His ways before them. These things have helped me, when the thoughts of the misery that my family and I might be exposed to for the sake of my profession of faith have weighed heavily upon my mind.

When I have indeed acknowledged that I might be banished for my profession of faith in Jesus, I have thought of the verses, They were stoned, they were sawn in two, they were tempted, they were put to death with the sword; they went about in sheepskins, in goatskins, being destitute, afflicted, ill-treated (men of whom the world was not worthy) (Hebrews 11:37-38). For all that they endured for Christ, those of the world were not worthy to dwell and abide among them. I have also thought of that saying, The Holy Spirit solemnly testifies to me in every city, saying that bonds and afflictions await me (Acts 20:23). I have truly thought that my soul and my profession of faith in Jesus Christ have sometimes reasoned about the painful and sad circumstances of a banished and exiled condition, how they are exposed to hunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and a thousand calamities. In the end, it may be to die in a ditch like a poor forsaken and desolate sheep. But I thank God that I have not been moved by these most delicate reasonings, but have rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.

I will tell you a nice story. I was once in a very sad and low condition for many weeks – more so than the other prisoners. At this time also, I was a new prisoner and was not very well acquainted with the laws. It weighed much upon my spirit that for all I could tell, my imprisonment might end at the gallows. Therefore, Satan tried hard to make me lose heart by suggesting to me that if I would be in this condition when it was time for me to die, I would not be rejoicing in the things of God nor show any evidence that my soul was prepared for a better place after this life. For indeed at that time, all the things of God were hidden from my soul.

Therefore, when I at first began to think about this, it troubled me greatly. I thought to myself that I was not fit to die in the condition I was then in, neither did I think that I would be able to die to for the sake of Christ if I should be called to it. Besides, I thought to myself, if I would have to crawl and scramble to get up the ladder to the place of execution, I might tremble and show signs of weakness, giving occasion to the enemy to reproach the way of God and His people for their timidity. This therefore greatly troubled me, for I would be ashamed to die with a pale face and tottering knees for such a worthy cause as this.

Therefore, I prayed to God that He would comfort me and give me strength to do and suffer whatever He would call me to; but no comfort appeared, and all seemed to be hidden. I was also at this time so consumed with the thought of death that it was often as if I was on the ladder with a rope about my neck. It was some encouragement to me, though, when I thought I might now have an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude, which I thought would come to see me die. I thought that if it must be so, that if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, I would not consider my life to be thrown away or lost.

Yet all the things of God were kept out of my sight, and still the tempter followed me, asking, "Where will you go when you die? What will happen to you? Will you end up in heaven or in hell? What evidence do you have for heaven and glory and an inheritance among those who are sanctified?" I was oppressed this way for many weeks and did not know what to do. At last this consideration fell heavily upon me – that it was for the Word and way of God that I was in this condition, and therefore I was determined not to flinch one hair's breadth from it.

I thought also that God was free to choose whether He would give me comfort now or at the hour of death, but I could not choose whether I would maintain my profession of faith in Christ or not. I was bound, but He was free. Yes, it was my duty to stand upon His Word, whether or not He would ever look upon me to comfort me or save me at the last. Therefore, I thought that the point was that I must continue on and stake my eternal state with Jesus Christ, whether I have comfort here or not. If God does not come in to comfort me, I thought, I will leap off the ladder, even blindfolded, into eternity – sink or swim, come heaven or hell. Lord Jesus, if You will catch me, do so; if not, I will still risk all for Your name.

I was no sooner resolved in this, when I thought of that word, Does Job fear God for nothing? (Job 1:9). It was as if the accuser had said, "Lord, Job is no upright man. He serves You for his own benefit. Have You not made a hedge about him? But put forth Your hand now and touch all that he has; he will surely curse You to Your face" (Job 1:10-11). I thought this was the sign of an upright soul – to desire to serve God when all is taken from him. Is he a godly man who will serve God for nothing rather than for gain? Blessed be God, then. I hope I have an upright heart, for I am resolved, if God gives me strength, never to deny Jesus, though I get nothing in return for my pains. As I was considering these things, Psalm 44:12-26 was set before me:

You sell Your people cheaply, and have not profited by their sale. You make us a reproach to our neighbors, a scoffing and a derision to those around us.

You make us a byword among the nations, a laughingstock among the peoples. All day long my dishonor is before me and my humiliation has overwhelmed me, because of the voice of him who reproaches and reviles, because of the presence of the enemy and the avenger.

All this has come upon us, but we have not forgotten You, and we have not dealt falsely with Your covenant. Our heart has not turned back, and our steps have not deviated from Your way, yet You have crushed us in a place of jackals and covered us with the shadow of death. If we had forgotten the name of our God or extended our hands to a strange god, would not God find this out? For He knows the secrets of the heart. But for Your sake we are killed all day long; We are considered as sheep to be slaughtered. Arouse Yourself, why do You sleep, O Lord? Awake, do not reject us forever. Why do You hide Your face and forget our affliction and our oppression? For our soul has sunk down into the dust; Our body cleaves to the earth. Rise up, be our help, and redeem us for the sake of Your lovingkindness.

My heart was now full of comfort, for I hoped it was sincere. I would not have wanted to have missed this trial. I am comforted every time I think of it, and I hope I will bless God forever for the teaching I have had by it. I could relate many more of God's dealings toward me, but these are sufficient. They dedicated part of the spoil won in battles to repair the house of the LORD (1 Chronicles 26:27).
Chapter 21

Conclusion

Of all the temptations that I ever met with in my life, to question the being of God and the truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to be carried. When this temptation came, it took away my support and removed the foundation from under me. I have often thought of the word to having girded your loins with truth (Ephesians 6:14), and If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do? (Psalm 11:3 KJV).

Sometimes after I had committed a sin, I expected severe chastisement from the hand of God, but the very next thing that I have had from Him was the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when I have been comforted, I have called myself a fool for sinking so much under trouble. Then again, when I have been cast down, I thought I was not wise to give such way to comfort. With much strength and weight both these have been upon me.

I have wondered much at this one thing, that though God visits my soul with never so blessed a discovery of Himself, yet I have found again, that afterwards I have been overcome with such darkness in my spirits that I could not even seem to recall the joy and comfort with which God had so recently refreshed me.

Here is something else. I have sometimes gotten more out of one line of the Bible than I could seem to handle, and yet at other times the whole Bible has been to me as dry as a stick; or rather, my heart has been so dead and dry unto it, that I could not conceive the least measure of refreshment, though I have looked it all over.

Of all tears, they are the best that are made by the blood of Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that is mixed with mourning over Christ. It is an excellent thing to be on our knees, with Christ in our arms, before God. I hope I know something of these things.

I still find to this day seven abominations in my heart:

  1. I am inclined to unbelief.
  2. I sometimes seem to suddenly forget the love and mercy that Christ manifests.
  3. I sometimes lean toward the works of the law.
  4. I have times of wandering and coldness in prayer.
  5. I neglect to watch for that which I pray for.
  6. I am apt to complain because I have no more, and yet am ready to misuse what I have.
  7. I can do none of those things that God commands me, without my corruptions finding their way in. When I would do good, evil is present with me (Romans 7:21 KJV).

These things I continually see and feel and am afflicted and oppressed with; yet the wisdom of God orders them for my good.

  1. They make me abhor myself.
  2. They keep me from trusting my heart.
  3. They convince me of the insufficiency of all human righteousness.
  4. They show me the necessity of flying to Jesus.
  5. They motivate me to pray to God.
  6. They show me the need I have to watch and be serious-minded.
  7. They incite me to look to God, through Christ, to help me and carry me through this world. Amen.

Appendix

Mr. John Bunyan's Dying Words

A collection of sayings gathered and classified under headings.

Published in Offor's 1861 edition of Bunyan's Works.

These are his thoughts, whether uttered in his last illness or expressed earlier in life.

SIN

Sin is the great block and hindrance to our happiness, the procurer of all miseries to man, both here and hereafter. Take away sin, and nothing can hurt us; for the wages of sin is death – temporal, spiritual, and eternal.

Sin, and man for sin, is the object of the wrath of God. How dreadful, therefore, must his case be who continues in sin! For who can bear or grapple with the wrath of God?

No sin against God can be little, because it is against the great God of heaven and earth; but if the sinner can find a little god, it may be easy to find little sins.

Sin turns all of God's grace into emptiness; it is the dare of His justice, the rape of His mercy, the mocking of His patience, the spurning of His power, and the contempt of His love.

Take heed that you do not allow yourself the freedom to purposefully commit one sin, for that will lead you to another, until, by becoming a bad habit, it becomes natural.

To begin a sin is to lay a foundation for its continuance; this continuance is the mother of habit, and this results in rebellion.

The death of Christ gives us the best discovery of ourselves and what condition we were in, because nothing could help us but that. It is the clearest discovery of the dreadful nature of our sins. For if sin is such a dreadful thing as to wring the heart of the Son of God, how shall a poor wretched sinner be able to bear it?

AFFLICTION

Nothing can render affliction so unbearable as the load of sin. If you want to be ready to meet afflictions, be sure to get the burden of your sins laid aside; then whatever afflictions you may meet with will be very easy to you.

If you can hear and bear the rod of affliction which God will lay upon you, remember this lesson: you are beaten so that you may be better.

The Lord uses His whip of tribulation to separate the chaff from the wheat.

The school of the cross is the school of light; it discovers the world's vanity, baseness, and wickedness and lets us see more of God's mind. Out of dark affliction comes a spiritual light.

In times of affliction, we commonly meet with the sweetest experiences of the love of God.

If we would heartily renounce the pleasures of this world, we would be troubled very little by our afflictions. What makes affliction so unbearable to many is that they are too much addicted to the pleasures of this life, and so they cannot endure anything that separates them from those pleasures.

REPENTANCE AND COMING TO CHRIST

The goal of affliction is the realization of sin, and through that to bring us to the Savior. Let us therefore, with the prodigal, return to Him, and we will find ease and rest.

A repenting penitent, though formerly as bad as the worst of men, may, by grace, become as good as the best.

To be truly sensible of sin is to sorrow for displeasing God. It is to be troubled that He is displeased by us more than He is displeased with us.

Your intentions to repentance and the neglect of that soul-saving duty will rise up in judgment against you.

Repentance carries with it a divine eloquence and persuades Christ to forgive multitudes of sins committed against Him.

Say not to yourself, "Tomorrow I will repent," for it is your duty to do it daily.

The gospel of grace and salvation is above all doctrines the most dangerous if it is received in word only by graceless men, if it is not accompanied by a sensible need of the Savior and does not bring them to Him. For such men as have only the awareness of it are of all men most miserable; for by reason of their knowing more than heathens, this only will be their final portion, that they shall have greater punishment.

PRAYER

Before you enter into prayer, ask your soul these questions: To what purpose, Oh my soul, have you entered into this quiet place? Have you not come to talk with the Lord in prayer? Is He here? Will He hear you? Is He merciful? Will He help you? Is your business trivial; is it not concerning the welfare of your soul? What words will you use to move Him to compassion?

To make your preparation complete, consider that you are but dust and ashes, and He is the great God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who clothes Himself with light as with a garment (Psalm 104:2). Consider that you are a vile sinner, and He is a holy God – that you are but a poor crawling worm, but He is the omnipotent Creator.

In all your prayers, forget not to thank the Lord for His mercies.

When you pray, it is better to let your heart be without words than to let your words be without heart.

Prayer will make a man cease from sin, or sin will entice a man to cease from prayer.

The spirit of prayer is more precious than treasures of gold and silver.

Pray often, for prayer is a shield to the soul, a sacrifice to God, and a scourge for Satan.

THE LORD'S DAY, SERMONS, AND WEEKDAYS

Take special care to sanctify the Lord's Day, to set it apart as holy; for as you keep it, so it will be with you all the week long.

Make the Lord's Day the market for your soul; let the whole day be spent in prayer, memorizing, or meditations on God's Word. Lay aside the affairs of the rest of the week. Let the sermon you have heard be converted into prayer. Shall God allow you six days, and will you not give Him one?

In the church, make certain that you serve God, for you are in His eyes and not in man's.

You might hear sermons often and do well in practicing what you hear, but you must not expect someone in the pulpit to tell you all that you ought to do. Rather, be studious in searching the Scriptures and reading good books. What you hear may be forgotten, but what you read may be better retained.

Forsake not the public worship of God, lest God forsake you, not only in public, but also in private.

On the weekdays, when you get up in the morning, consider:

  1. You must die.
  2. You might die that minute.
  3. What will become of your soul. Pray often.
  4. At night consider:
    * What sins you have committed.
    * How often you have prayed.
    * What your mind has been focused on.
    * How you have treated others.
    * How your speech has been.
    * If you call to mind your sins of the day, do not go to sleep without a confession to God and a hope of pardon.

Thus, every morning and evening settle your accounts with Almighty God, and your reckoning will be the less at the end.

What foolishness can be greater than to labor for the meat that perishes, yet neglect the food of eternal life?

God or the world must be neglected at death, for then is the time of trial.

To seek yourself in this world is to be lost, and to be humble is to be exalted.

SUFFERING

It is not all suffering that makes a martyr, but suffering for the Word of God after a right manner; that is, not only for righteousness, but for righteousness' sake; not only for truth, but out of love for truth; not only for God's Word, but according to it; that is, in that holy, humble, meek manner, as the Word of God requires.

It is a rare thing to suffer in a proper manner and to have one's spirit in suffering opposed only to God's enemy, sin: sin in doctrine, sin in worship, sin in life, and sin in conversation.

Neither the devil nor men of the world can kill your righteousness or your love for it, except by your own hand. You and your righteousness cannot be separated unless you do it yourself. He who truly suffers for righteousness' sake and his love of righteousness will not be tempted to exchange it for the goodwill of the entire world.

I have often thought that the best of Christians are found in the worst of times. And I have thought again that one reason why we are no better than we are is because God does not purge us more than He does. Who were so holy as Noah and Lot in the time of their afflictions? And yet who were so idle as they in the time of their prosperity?

THE LOVE OF THE WORLD

Nothing hinders a soul from coming to Christ more than a vain love of the world; and until a soul is freed from it, it can never have true love for God.

What are the honors and riches of this world when compared to the glories of a crown of life?

Love not the world, for the love of the world is a moth in a Christian's life.

To despise the world is the way to enjoy heaven; and blessed are they who delight to converse with God by prayer.

DEATH AND JUDGMENT

As the devil labors by all means to keep out other things that are good, so, as much as he is able, he works to keep out of the heart the thoughts of passing from this life into another world; for he knows if he can but keep people from serious thoughts of death, he will more easily keep them in their sins.

Nothing will make us more earnest to work out our salvation than to frequently meditate on mortality; nothing has greater influence in taking our hearts away from the empty things of this world and to cause us to desire after holiness.

Oh sinner, what a condition will you fall into when you depart this world! If you depart unconverted, it would have been better if you had died the first hour you were born. It would have been better for you if you had been made a dog, a toad, or a serpent, if you die unconverted; and you will find this to be true if you do not repent.

A man would be counted a fool to insult a judge who is to decide what will become of all his possessions. The trial we have before God is of much greater importance. It concerns our eternal happiness or misery, and yet dare we offend Him?

The only way for us to escape that terrible judgment is to be often passing a sentence of condemnation upon ourselves here.

When the sound of the trumpet shall be heard which will summon the dead to appear before the tribunal of God, the righteous will rush out of their graves with joy to meet their Redeemer in the clouds; the rest will call to the hills and mountains to fall upon them, to cover them from the sight of their Judge. Let us therefore be asking ourselves which of the two we shall be.

THE JOYS OF HEAVEN

There is no good in this life that is not mingled with some evil. Honors perplex, riches cause worry, and pleasures ruin health. But in heaven we will find blessings in their purity, without anything negative, but with everything to sweeten them.

Oh, who is able to conceive the inexpressible, inconceivable joys that are there? None but they who have tasted of them. Lord, help us to put such a value upon them here, that in order to prepare ourselves for them, we may be willing to forego the loss of all those deceiving pleasures here.

How will the heavens echo with joy, when the bride, the Lamb's wife, shall come to dwell with her husband forever!

Christ is the desire of nations, the joy of angels, and the delight of the Father; what comfort then must that soul be filled with that has the possession of Him for all eternity?

Oh, what acclamations of joy there will be when all the children of God shall meet together, without fear of being disturbed by the anti-Christian and Cain-like children!

Is there not a time coming when the godly may ask the wicked what profit they have in their pleasure? What comfort do they have in their greatness? What satisfaction from all their labor?

If you want to better understand what it means to see God in all His glory, my request is that you would live a holy life and then go and see.

THE TORMENTS OF HELL

Heaven and salvation are not certainly more promised to the godly than hell and damnation are threatened to and executed on the wicked.

When once a man is damned, he may bid adieu to all pleasures.

Oh, who knows the power of God's wrath? None but those who are condemned by Him.

The company of sinners are the devil and his angels, tormented in everlasting fire with a curse.

Hell would be a kind of paradise if it were no worse than the worst of this world.

As different as grief is from joy, as torment from rest, and as terror from peace, so different is the state of sinners from that of saints in the world to come.
About the Author

John Bunyan was born in November 1628, in Elstow, England. A celebrated English minister and preacher, he wrote The Pilgrim's Progress (1678), the book that was the most characteristic expression of the Puritan religious outlook. His other works include doctrinal and controversial writings; a spiritual autobiography, Grace Abounding (1666); and the allegory, The Holy War (1682).
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Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners – John Bunyan

Updated Edition Copyright © 2017

First edition published 1666

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