-You know that saying--
find something you love
and do it as much as possible?
Well, that's North Korea's
problem is
that what they love doing
is testing nuclear weapons.
WOMAN: Breaking news--
 North Korea has tested
 an advanced nuclear device.
 This would make it North
 Korea's sixth nuclear test.
MAN: A missile-sized
 thermonuclear weapon.
 That's an hydrogen bomb.
Stronger than the bombs dropped
on Hiroshima
and Nagasaki combined.
MAN: North Korea claims
 it can load its new bomb
 on to a missile that can reach
 the United States.
You know, the one upside is
at least they saved this
until after Labor Day,
because now, we won't all
be wearing our white pants
when we crap ourselves.
-I like that. I like that.
-(laughter)
And that's my modeling catalog.
Thank you very much.
-(laughter)
-So... so this is it, guys.
The whole thing that the world
has spent the last-- what--
25 years trying
to prevent North Korea
from getting, now it has.
Both a missile that can reach
the United States
and a thermonuclear bomb.
I mean, a bomb more powerful
than Hiroshima
and Nagasaki combined.
Combined.
This thing must look like
the very face of death itself.
MAN: State propaganda showed
 Kim Jong-un proudly inspecting
 a peanut-shaped device.
(laughter)
Well, I mean, there's just...
There's nothing more threatening
than the phrase
"thermonuclear bomb."
And then, there's nothing
less threatening
-than the phrase "peanut-shaped
device." -(laughter)
Like, just imagine if a guy's
coming at you, saying like,
"I'm gonna kill you!"
You'd be like, "Oh, no!"
"With my peanut-shaped device!"
(laughter)
"Man, get the (bleep)
out of here,
"you legume-toting
mother(bleep)!
-Get out of here!"
-(applause)
It's not the same.
(applause and cheering)
Now, coming after multiple
warnings from The White House
to cut the (bleep) out,
North Korea new nuclear test
was a huge provocation,
and the Trump team
got bigly provocated.
MAN: At an emergency meeting
 at the U.N.,
 the U.S. urging
 tougher diplomacy,
 and charging that Kim Jong-un
 is pushing the world
 toward conflict.
His abusive use of missiles
and his nuclear threats show
that he is begging for war.
We are not looking to the total
annihilation of a country,
namely North Korea,
but, as I said,
we have many options to do so.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
Wow. Now I see why
they call you "Mad Dog."
(laughter)
We don't want to annihilate you,
but we have many options
to do so?
-Thank you very much?
-(laughter)
That's the most gangster way
to say we're not going to war?
"I don't want
to rearrange your face.
"I'm just saying, your nose
could be in a lot of places.
Thank you very much."
(applause)
But, still... but, still, look,
there's no need to freak out.
That's just
the United Nations person
and, uh, the Pentagon guy.
The real time to panic is
when you hear saber rattling
from the commander-in-chief.
So I guess
what I'm saying is.... panic.
We'll see?
Dude, you don't Ryan Seacrest
nuclear war.
What are you doing?!
Will the planet be consumed
in a radioactive hellfire,
or will Fantasia take home
this season's crown?
We'll see.
(applause)
Like, that's my problem.
Like, that's such a signature
move from Donald Trump.
When he doesn't know an answer--
I don't know
if you noticed this--
he tries to play it off like
he's actually in total control
and just keeping us in suspense.
Like, "We'll see"
in Trump talk means
"I'll see because
I have no idea. I'll see."
-(laughter)
-That's what he says.
Like, I wish I knew of this
technique when I was in school.
"Uh, Mr. Noah,
what is the square root of 64?"
-"We'll see."
-(laughter)
"No? No? All right,
I don't know. I don't know."
To be fair, though,
to be fair, though,
we can't really blame Trump
for not knowing
what to do about North Korea,
because the truth is,
nobody knows what to do, right?
President Obama even warned
Donald Trump.
He said that this would be
the hardest challenge
of his presidency.
Now, granted,
that was before we learned
that Trump doesn't know
how to spell,
but still, Obama knew,
all right?
It would be hard for anyone,
it would be hard for anyone,
not least
because we have no idea
of what Kim Jong-un
actually wants.
From all of this.
We don't know.
So it's impossible to know
what a solution would be.
But even then, but even then...
the president's approach
took people by surprise.
NEWSMAN: ...President Trump
 hitting not just North Korea,
 but also U.S. ally,
 South Korea,
 for not being tough enough.
"Their talk of appeasement with
 North Korea will not work,"
 he tweeted.
 "They only understand
 one thing."
NEWSWOMAN: President Trump
 reportedly preparing
 to withdraw the United States
 from its free trade deal
 with South Korea.
NEWSMAN: President Trump said
 he's considering
 "stopping all trade
 with any country
 doing business
 with North Korea."
 But that would include China,
 which happens to be our 
 biggest trading partner, too.
Man, Donald Trump is
a genius, people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because
anyone can threaten an enemy,
but threatening
the two countries
he needs most to have
on his side right now?
That's genius. Trump is
basically the guy in prison
who proves
he shouldn't be messed with
by shanking his own friends--
that's who he is.
"You wanna go, North Korea?
You wanna go?
"Well, check this out.
China! Mexico! Aah!
"That's right, that's right,
I stabbed China and Mexico
"and South Korea, too!
"I'm loco, baby!
"I'm loco!
You can't mess with me, man!"
(applause)
It's genius. It's genius.
By attacking America's allies,
Trump will terrify North Korea
into backing down.
 Or... he's a total idiot and
he's gonna get us all killed.
Which one is it?
We'll see.
