- This episode of Chosen Family
is brought to you by 23 and me.
Hey everyone, my name is Tyler Oakley
and a huge theme of this series, to me,
is all about how queer
people have always had to
redefine family beyond blood.
There are so many kids out there
that deserve love and support and homes
and while so many queer
people are eager to adopt,
there are places around the country
where they're restricted in doing so.
So in today's episode of Chosen Family
we are hearing two
stories of queer adoption
and I just loved everyone
I met in this episode.
I think you're gonna love it.
(upbeat electronica)
I first traveled to Columbus,
Ohio to meet Tom and Rick,
a gay couple who have
adopted two daughters,
Amarette and Sophia.
- Hi, I'm Rick Neil.
- And I'm Tom Grady from Columbus, Ohio.
- Who both went to Miami of Ohio
and we overlapped by two
years, but we didn't meet.
- Wait, how old were you all when you met?
- I was almost 40.
- You were 40 and I was 42.
- So we got married and we
started trying to adopt.
- So our kids, we have
two kids: Amarette is nine
and she's named after my grandmother
and Sophia is six, and they are hilarious.
- [Tom] They are sassy girls,
they are very confident
and they're both doing great.
- Do they have different
names for the two of you?
- I'm Poppy.
- And I'm Daddy.
Those are the two names
the girls have for us.
- That's cute.
- Yeah, it works.
(inspirational guitar music)
We don't understand how they teach now.
- Math.
- It's so different.
So third grade math, she
brings homework home,
I have no idea how to do it, none.
So I ask her how to do it,
she's like "I don't know."
(laughing)
- They're like, "You're supposed to know."
- I think we've been lucky,
so our girls started school,
their school when they were like three,
and so we have been their dads,
and their friends have
seen us as they've grown up
so we're pretty lucky that way.
But, outside of each of their classrooms,
a picture of every family
and we are the only family
that has two same-sex parents.
- I think one of the
things that queer people
have to face when they're doing adoption
is this whole conversation
that we're still having
in our society: that can
gay people be good parents?
- I think one of the most insulting things
I've heard people say is they want a kid
just like a little pet.
- Oh...
- They don't really, they
can't really understand
what about being a parent,
they don't really want to raise children
because they love those children
and they want to see those children;
it's like having a little pet.
- It can feed into a whole
lot of misconceptions
about gay people, about
gay men being predators,
about all sorts of terrible
terrible misconceptions
and stereotypes, that the
only way to get over that
is to live our lives.
- What's your favorite
thing about being a dad?
- Of course I fell in love, right?
But having kids is like
a whole nother level
and you just are like, that
instinctive parental thing
where you're just like "oh my God,
I would jump in front
of a bus for my child."
I would do it in a second,
I wouldn't even think about it, right?
You just have this love for your kids
that is just indescribable.
- [Tyler] Someday, I
am going to adopt kids.
I've always known this
but I never realized
the challenges queer people
face while trying to do so.
I then traveled to Birmingham, Alabama
where I met up with Leslie and Betsy,
a lesbian couple who
adopted their son, Nate.
- I'm Betsy.
- And I'm Leslie,
and that's Nate.
- Hey, you; hey, goofball.
- Hey, goofball! (laughing)
- Is this a cow?
- No, crocodile.
- Is this a chicken?
- No, crocodile.
- A dog?
- No, crocodile.
- Oh, a crocodile...
- For both of us, without
even talking about it,
adoption was our first choice.
It's not to criticize
anybody else's decision,
it's such a personal decision.
We just thought why bring
another life into this world
when there are so many who need a home
and I think we both, we
started talking about that
and it was like oh, we both feel that way,
so that's when we started
the journey to try to adopt.
- She did all this
research to find a place
where we could adopt
together as non-residents,
as a same-sex couple, so she
found this adoption lawyer
in Oklahoma; she happened to have a family
that was looking to place
a child for adoption
and they chose us.
- Wait, Nate, I have a
question: who's this?
- Mommy!
- Who's that?
- Mama!
- Who am I?
- (confused laughter) Daniel!
- Everybody loves Nate,
people came to the house
for months visiting, whole big deal;
people who I never would have
thought would have accepted us
loved us because of him.
And then Alabama was
looking to pass that law
that'd allow faith-based-agencies
to discriminate against gay and
lesbian couples in adoption.
- By all means, I am not in the business
of wanting to change
anybody's religious beliefs,
that's not my place; I
think the issue we had
was that we paid taxes,
that state money went to
our own discrimination.
- All of these hoops that
you have to jump through,
how does it feel, considering that, okay,
straight couples don't even
have to think about this?
- They being the state of Alabama
have really set up this
very intricate system
to try to prevent us from
doing this at every turn
and that was humiliating.
It made us feel like we were
less worthy of being parents.
I think that's why when people know us
their ideas about gay families change
because they're like,
"they're just like our family,
they're no different,
they are struggling with
the same things we are,
they got a toddler who is just
as big of a handful as ours
or more," (laughing)
and I think they think
"wow, they're good parents."
- Mama, I wanna (babbling)
- You wanna stay with
your family? Well, good.
(laughing) Cause we want you to.
- With so many kids hoping
for love, support, and a home,
and so many queer people looking to adopt,
how can anyone justify
denying those families
the chance to connect?
It's on us to speak out
and support local families;
It's on us to elect government officials
that won't restrict
prospective queer parents;
and it is on us to create
communities that redefine
the idea of a traditional
definition of family.
Thanks so much for watching this video,
and a special thank you to 23 and Me
for sponsoring this
episode of Chosen Family.
For those of you that don't
know what 23 and Me is,
it was created to help people
better understand their DNA.
When you do it you'll be able to see
which regions around the world
that your ancestors come from
and you might even
learn about how your DNA
affects your facial features,
your hair, and so much more;
and I love 23 and Me because they believe
that chosen families are
just as important and valid
as any other families
that exist out there.
So check out their website,
I'll put it right here,
I'll put it in the description below,
to hear stories about family and adoption
at 23andMe.com/TylerOakley.
Again, thank you so much
for watching this episode
of Chosen Family; be sure
to give it a thumbs up,
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HRC, the link is below.
Okay, subscribe, I'll see you
in the next episode; Later!
