THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
WELCOME TO THE "LATE SHOW."
THANK YOU SO MUCH!
THAT'S A THURSDAY CROWD.
THAT'S ELECTRIC!
THOSE ARE PEOPLE ALIVE ON THIS
PLANET RIGHT NOW.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW,"
FOLKS.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
HAPPY GROUNDHOG DAY!
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING ON
GROUNDHOG DAY!
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW THE
LATE-BREAKING NEWS, BUT
TODAY, AMERICA'S FOREMOST
PSYCHIC RODENT, PUNXATAWNY PHIL
CAME OUT OF HIS HOLE AND INDEED
SAW HIS SHADOW.
SO THE BAD NEWS IS SIX MORE
WEEKS OF WINTER.
THE GOOD NEWS -- WE HAVE SIX
MORE WEEKS!
( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, DONALD TRUMP STARTED
HIS DAY AT THE NATIONAL PRAYER
BREAKFAST.
I'VE ALWAYS SAID THE PRAYER
BREAKFAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
PRAYER MEAL OF THE DAY.
TRUMP TOOK A MOMENT TO SHOW A
TENDER SIDE.
>> WHAT I HEAR MOST OFTEN AS I
TRAVEL AROUND THE COUNTRY ARE
FIVE WORDS...
>> STEPHEN: PLEASE.
DON'T.
GRAB.
MY.
(BLEEP)
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IS THAT FIVE?
I KID ABOUT THIS, BUT
AS A CHRISTIAN MYSELF, I KNOW
THAT THE NATIONAL PRAYER
BREAKFAST HAS BEEN, SINCE
EISENHOWER, A SOLEMN OCCASION
AND AN OPPORTUNITY FOR
PRESIDENTS TO BRING PEOPLE OF
ALL FAITHS TOGETHER AND SHARE
WHAT IS MOST SACRED TO THEM.
>> BUT WE HAD TREMENDOUS SUCCESS
ON "THE APPRENTICE."
AND WHEN I RAN FOR PRESIDENT, I
HAD TO LEAVE THE SHOW.
THAT'S WHEN I KNEW FOR SURE I
WAS DOING IT.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, THAT'S WHEN
PRESIDENTS KNOW FOR SURE.
JUST LIKE WHEN PRESIDENT WINK
MARTINDALE HAD TO LEAVE "WIN,
LOSE, OR DRAW."
HE JUST KNEW, THAT'S WHEN IT
BECAME SERIOUS.
OF COURSE, THE REST IS HISTORY.
>> AND THEY HIRED A BIG, BIG
MOVIE STAR, ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER, TO TAKE MY
PLACE.
AND WE KNOW HOW THAT TURNED OUT.
THE RATINGS WENT RIGHT DOWN THE
TUBES.
IT'S BEEN A TOTAL DISASTER.
AND I WANT TO JUST PRAY FOR
ARNOLD, IF WE CAN, FOR THOSE
RATINGS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>> Stephen: YOU HEARD HIM
CORRECTLY.
YOUR EARS DO NOT DECEIVE YOU.
THE PRESIDENT USED THE NATIONAL
PRAYER BREAKFAST TO INSULT
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER.
AND TOMORROW, HE'S GOING TO
ROAST ROSIE O'DONNELL AT THE
TOMB OF THE UNKNOWN SOLDIER.
( LAUGHTER )
IN LESS THAN AN HOUR,
GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER HAD A
RESPONSE.
>> HEY DONALD, I HAVE A GREAT
IDEA.
WHY DON'T WE SWITCH JOBS?
YOU TAKE OVER TV BECAUSE YOU'RE
SUCH AN EXPERT IN RATINGS, AND I
TAKE OVER YOUR JOB, AND THEN
PEOPLE CAN FINALLY SLEEP
COMFORTABLY AGAIN.
HMM?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: OW!
OH!
OH!
DAMN, IS THIS THE WAR OF 1812?
BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE JUST GOT
BURNT!
( LAUGHTER )
AND ARNOLD ISN'T THE ONLY WORLD
LEADER TRUMP IS FEUDING WITH.
ON SATURDAY, OUR PRESIDENT SPOKE
WITH AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER
AND FRIENDLIEST GUY IN THE
SAUNA, MALCOLM TURNBULL AND
LASHED OUT AT TURNBULL ON THE
PHONE CALL.
PLEASE DON'T PICK A FIGHT WITH
AUSTRALIA!
THEY'LL CUT OFF OUR SUPPLY OUR
UGGS, KOALA JERKY AND HUGH
JACKMAN.
TRUMP WAS UPSET ABOUT A PREVIOUS
AGREEMENT FOR THE U.S. TO ACCEPT
OVER A THOUSAND REFUGEES BEING
HELD IN AUSTRALIA, TWEETING, "DO
YOU BELIEVE IT?
THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION AGREED
TO TAKE THOUSANDS OF ILLEGAL
IMMIGRANTS FROM AUSTRALIA.
WHY?
I WILL STUDY THIS DUMB DEAL!"
WHAT?
DON'T YOU KNOW HUMANITARIAN AID
IS NOT A DEAL?
OKAY?
UNICEF DOESN'T GO TO REFUGEE
CAMPS AND SAY, "ALL RIGHT, I'LL
TRADE YOU THIS BAG OF RICE FOR
YOUR JUICE BOX AND A CAPTAIN
AMERICA PENCIL."
