I GOT NEW SHOES. I GOT MY HAIR FLAT-IRONED.
I GOT WAXED, BUT I DIDN'T GET THE BRAZILIAN
BECAUSE IT'S A SPECIAL DAY. I GOT THE HASIDIC,
AND THAT'S WHERE THEY WAX YOU DOWN THE MIDDLE
AND LEAVE THE CURLIES ON THE OUTSIDE.
MAZEL TOV, HUH?
NOW I HAVE A KOSHER CHA-CHA. WHO'S WITH ME?
SOMETIMES I LIKE DREAD IT AND BRAID
IT.
THINGS YOU DO AT NIGHT. UM...
SO, I RECENTLY MOVED BACK HOME BECAUSE MY MOM'S
BEEN HAVING TROUBLE PAYING BOTH OUR RENTS,
AND...
SO BAD. I'M BACK AT HOME WITH MY PERSIAN MOTHER
AND MY IRANIAN BROTHER. WE CALL HIM AN IRANIAN 'CAUSE HE SMELLS LIKE COLOGNE.
IT'S SO BAD.
A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS LIKE, "NADINE, WHAT'S A PERSIAN? WHAT'S A PERSIAN?"
I THINK THE BEST WAY TO DESCRIBE A PERSIAN
IS THAT WE'RE KIND OF LIKE UGG BOOTS.
WE'RE LIKE BROWN, FURRY, AND SWEATY,
AND NOBODY CAN FIGURE OUT WHY WE'RE SO DAMN TRENDY.
MY DAD'S IDEA OF COUTURE IS A DRY-CLEAN ONLY TRACKSUIT.
AND MY MOM'S MOTTO IS, "IF IT DOESN'T SAY GUCCI, IT DOES NOT BELONG ON YOUR COOCHIE."
THANK YOU, I'M PERSIAN. THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE MY PARENTS WERE IMMIGRANTS, AND
I WAS A FIRST-GENERATION AMERICAN WHO I'M SO GLAD THAT THEY DID COME OVER, BUT I THINK
THAT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE LITTLE NUANCES
OF NAMING YOUR CHILD IN AMERICA
'CAUSE DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY MOTHER NAMED ME WHEN I CAME OUT OF HER WOMB?
NADINE IS ACTUALLY NOW MY FIRST NAME BECAUSE WE HAD TO CHANGE
IT.
SHE NAMED ME NEGAR.
JUST REALIZE THAT. LIKE, YOU CAN'T SAY THAT IN AMERICA.
IT MEANS "BEAUTIFUL PAINTING" IN FARSI. IT DOES NOT MEAN THAT IN AMERICA.
COULD YOU IMAGINE GETTING IN TROUBLE AS A KID? MY MOM'S ALWAYS LIKE,
"NEGAR, PLEASE."
HER NAME'S HOMEIRA. WE CALL
HER "HOMEY" FOR SHORT.
SO AT THE DINNER TABLE, IT'S ALWAYS LIKE, "CAN YOU PASS THE SALT, NEGAR?"
"SURE THING, HOMEY." HEY.
MY DAD'S NAME'S TONY, SHORT FOR MOHAMMAD.
WHERE MY MOs AT?
LOVE IT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY BEING AT HOME AGAIN BECAUSE I CAN'T COME HOME DRUNK ANYMORE
BECAUSE YOUR MOM ALWAYS KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON.
LIKE SHE'LL LET ME DRINK, BUT SHE ALWAYS KNOWS HOW MUCH YOU'VE HAD OR WHATEVER IT IS.
AND LIKE, I HAD NOBODY SHE'S ALWAYS
MONITORING ME.
LIKE IN COLLEGE, I DRANK EVERY DAY
BECAUSE NOBODY WAS THERE TO MONITOR ME.
DON'T WORRY. I WENT TO A FOUR-YEAR, SO IT'S ALL GOOD.
BUT...
I DRANK WATCHING TV.
I WAS THAT GIRL THAT DRANK IN THE SHOWER BEFORE A PARTY
SO NOBODY WOULD CATCH UP TO ME.
LIKE,YOU'D COME OUT, AND THEY'D BE LIKE, "YOU GOT TO CATCH UP. THREE BEERS, THREE BEERS."
I'M LIKE, "I DID A KEG STAND IN THE SHOWER. WHAT?
YOU CATCH UP."
I DRINK ON THE INTERNET.
ONE DAY I WAS SURFING THE WEB, DRINKING A BEER, AND MY ROOMMATE CAME IN.
SHE'S LIKE, "NADINE, THE FIRST SIGN OF ALCOHOLISM IS DRINKING BY YOURSELF."
AND I'M LIKE, "I'M IN A CHAT ROOM,
BTCH!"
SORRY. SHE CAN HAVE CYBER SEX. I CAN HAVE CYBER BEER.
SO GROSS.
SO BAD.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE I MET MY BEST FRIEND IN COLLEGE,
AND, ACTUALLY, WE USED TO PLAY AGAINST EACH OTHER IN SOCCER BEFORE THAT.
BUT AND I'M NOT TRYING TO BRAG BY TELLING YOU GUYS THIS,
BUT IT'S A TRUE STORY MY BEST FRIEND IS THE HEIR TO THE FOOD-COURT FORTUNE
THAT IS KNOWN AS "HOT DOG ON A STICK."
YEAH, YOU KNOW THE GIRLS THAT MAKE LEMONADE LIKE THIS?
LEMONADE?
BUT SHE HAS NO CONCEPT OF MONEY EVER.
LIKE LITERALLY SHE HAS SO MUCH MONEY IT'S JUST COMING OUT OF HER BUTT.
AND SHE HAS ZERO CONCEPT.
AND SHE'S ALWAYS LIKE, "I'M
BROKE. I'M BROKE."
YOU'RE LIKE, "REALLY?" BECAUSE MY DEFINITION OF BROKE IS I CAN'T EAT.
HER DEFINITION OF BROKE IS, "I CAN'T DO COCAINE THIS WEEKEND."
ONE TIME SHE WAS IN BETWEEN HOUSES, AND SHE'S LIKE, "DUDE,
I'M TOTALLY HOMELESS."
I WAS LIKE, "BTCH, YOU'RE IN ESCROW."
SO BAD. IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE, LIKE, I VISITED THEIR FAMILY OVER THE HOLIDAYS
'CAUSE I'VE KNOWN THEM FOR A LONG TIME NOW, AND
HER MOM'S ALWAYS LIKE PRANCING AROUND GOING, "THIS IS COURTNEY'S BEST FRIEND. SHE'S PERSIAN. SHE'S PERSIAN.
SHE'S PERSIAN."
AND SHE GOES, "NADINE, WHERE ARE PERSIAN PEOPLE FROM?" LIKE IT'S SO EXOTIC, RIGHT?
AND I'M LIKE, "WE'RE FROM IRAN."
AND SHE LOOKED AT ME SQUARE IN THE FACE AND JUST WENT,
"EW."
UM...
SO FUNNY. I WAS SUCH A PRUDE GROWING UP, AND I NEVER USED TO WATCH PORN.
DO YOU GUYS WATCH PORN?
I NEVER REALLY WATCHED PORN UNTIL I GOT TO COLLEGE, OKAY?
I LIVED IN THIS HOUSE WITH THREE GUYS. WE USED TO CALL IT THE "SLUT HUT," OKAY?
NOT 'CAUSE I WAS A SLUT BUT BECAUSE THEY WERE ALWAYS BRINGING SLUTS HOME.
BUT I WAS LIKE, "DOESN'T ANYBODY WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH ME? NO? OKAY."
"I ROOFIED MYSELF.
WON'T COUNT."
BUT I'D ALWAYS COME
HOME, AND THEY'D ALWAYS BE WATCHING PORN.
AND THEN I'D BE LIKE I BECAME OBSESSED BECAUSE OF THE STORY LINES, RIGHT?
I'M THAT CRAZY PERSON.
YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS GONNA HAPPEN,
BUT I'M THE CRAZY PERSON STARING AT THE PIZZA
RIGHT HERE GOING, "EAT THE PIZZA! EAT THE
PIZZA! WHEN ARE THEY GONNA EAT THE PIZZA?!"
I'M LIKE I'M TOTALLY A.D.D. RIGHT THERE. THEN I TOTALLY BECAME OBSESSED WITH PORN STORY LINES,
AND I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD. THERE
SHOULD TOTALLY BE A PORN CHARACTER NAMED
EARL GREY, AND ALL HE DOES IS TEABAG PEOPLE."
RIGHT?
BUT HE ONLY MAKES CAMEOS, RIGHT?
LIKE, SO THERE WILL BE SOME PEOPLE DOING IT RIGHT HERE.
AND HE COMES IN. HE'S LIKE, PSCH! HE'S LIKE, "EARL GREY!"
AND THEN HE'S OUT. HE'S GONE.
JUST ONE DIP. THAT'S IT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MY NAME'S NADINE RAJABI.
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