- We're gonna do a great
story about Hanukkah.
(upbeat music)
By the way, I'm a little
buzzed doing this.
I mean, I'm like hammered.
(playful music)
- Welcome to Hebrew School Happy Hour.
(burps)
- So there was a time where
the Greeks conquered Israel.
The Greeks.
Opa!
- Opa!
(traditional Greek music)
- Greeks are telling Jewish
people, get rid of your beliefs
and everything that you do, okay?
So they go, all right, no more bagels,
no more cream cheese,
hey, no circumcisions.
They weren't even allowed
their own calendar.
I know some of you are gonna
say, oh, now I know why
Jewish people are always late!
Have our Olympics,
(crowd groaning)
have our yogurt, how
about the Kalamata olives.
The Jewish people going, wait, wait, huh?
Wait a minute, what, huh?
The Greeks go, how about a toga party?
Jewish people are like, what?!
Basically they're going be like Greeks!
Who wants to do that?
Who wants to have a
Kalamata olive up their a—?
The Jewish guys are thinking-
and women, by the way,
not just Jewish men, but
Jewish women are going,
“Let's tell these Greeks
to go Opa themselves."
You know what I'm talkin' about?
Some of you know
what I'm talkin' about.
So, Jews are going
"uh-uh we're not even..."
Where am I going?
Oh, this- we're going on that!
So, the Jews are like...
Ay, we're not gonna have any feta,
&#$% your Olympics.
So we're going to, guess what?
Revolt!
And it was only small group of Jews,
but they were ready to do this.
The Greek general,
Zachadaya Galifianakis,
is beside himself.
So he immediately starts just wrestling
with his Greek friends.
That's what they did,
that's how they reacted,
and then after he was done.
He said, "Uh, look, they’re
not gonna do this,
this ragtag army."
(slurps)
Jewish people fight for 25 years.
I've never met a Jewish guy
to fight for 25 minutes.
No offense.
Alright, oh my god, are we
gonna get through this.
Yo, I got this!
They defeated, they won, and why?
Because they were a
small group that believed
- Wait, you're
getting ahead of yourself there.
- In there…
- Johnny, because
the story of Hanukkah happened
in the third year of the war.
- Yeah.
- [Narrator] There was Mattathias
and his sons who formed a guerrilla army.
- And what else?
- The army was
lead by his son, Judah.
- Right.
- He was called
Judah The Maccabee,
which means, Hammer.
- I mean, seriously, guys I'm like...
#%$&-ing #%$&-ed up right now.
This is why I can't remember half of this.
- [Narrator] When the Jews returned to the temple.
They wanted to relight the sacred menorah,
but the Greeks had defiled all the oil
and it would take eight
days to make new oil.
- Yeah, yeah, I know this.
One of the Jewish guys finds some oil.
This is...
a miracle.
- [Narrator] No, Johnny,
that's not the miracle.
The miracle was that he found
only enough oil for one day,
but it lasted for all eight days
until they could make new oil.
- I think the moral here is,
stick to your core beliefs
and don't let anybody cut in on you
and tell you that you shouldn't do it.
- [Narrator] Because when you
truly commit to your deepest values
you can accomplish great things.
Jolly good, Johnny.
- Thank you.
