OF COURSE TRUMP HAS BIGGER FOES
TO WORRY ABOUT THAN CHINA.
MIGRANT CHILDREN REFUGEES
BECAUSE THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
IS CANCELLING ENGLISH CLASSES,
RECREATIONAL PROGRAMS AND LEGAL
AID FOR CHILD MIGRANT IN U.S.
SHELTERS
( BOOING ).
>> YOU TOOK THAT RIGHT OUT OF MY
MOUTH.
THAT IS PURELY LEANING INTO THE
EVIL.
I THINK TRUMP IS CAMPAIGNING FOR
THE NOBEL PRIZE IN SHAME.
SOMEHOW, SOMEHOW, TRUMP FOUND A
WAY TO MAKE THIS HORRIBLE
SITUATION EVEN WORSE.
IT'S LIKE FINDING OUT THAT
THANOS WAS A LOUD CHEWER.
APPARENTLY, APPARENTLY, THE
ADMINISTRATION IS CUTTING OFF
FUNDING FOR ALL KINDS OF
ACTIVITIES, INCLUDING SO.
REALLY, REALLY?
HOW MUCH MONEY COULD YOU
POSSIBLY SAVE BY CUTTING SOCCER.
THE EQUIPMENT IS "BALL."
YOU DON'T EVEN NEED GLOVES.
ONE EXPERT ASKED-- WHY WOULD HE
DO THIS?
ONE EXPERT THINKS THAT THE CUTS
ARE AN EFFORT TO PRESSURE
CONGRESS TO FUND THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION'S BROADER
IMMIGRATION AGENDA.
SO HERE'S WHAT HE'S DOING.
HE'S HOLDING THESE POOR KIDS'
PLAYTIME HOSTAGE UNTIL HE GETS
HIS BORDER FENCE.
A STRATEGY HE CALLS:
(AS TRUMP)
"GIVE WALL, GET BALL."
NOW THE ONLY HOPE HERE-- "WALL,
BALL."
THE ONLY HOPE HERE IS THAT THIS
IS PROBABLY GOING TO GET
OVERTURNED IN THE COURTS,
BECAUSE THERE ARE LEGAL
REQUIREMENTS THAT
MANDATE EDUCATION AND RECREATION
FOR MINORS IN FEDERAL
CUSTODY, WHICH IS GOOD, BECAUSE
WE'VE ALL SEEN WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
KIDS ARE RAISED IN JOYLESS
ISOLATION.
 ( APPLAUSE )
BUT TRUMP CAN'T AFFORD SOMETHING
AS LUXURIOUS AS LETTING KIDS
PLAY, BECAUSE HIS IMMIGRATION
BUDGET IS GOING TO DO SOMETHING
WAY MORE IMPORTANT.
IT'S PAINTING THE BORDER WALL IN
ORDER TO IMPROVE ITS AESTHETIC
APPEARANCE.
THAT'S ALSO WHY THE WALL IS MADE
OF VERTICAL SLATS.
IT'S VERY SLIMMING.
AND TO MAKE IT LOOK THINNER,
HE'S ALSO GIVING IT A VERY LONG
RED TIE.
 (  LAUGHTER  )
SO THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND
SECURITY CLAIMS THIS PAINT JOB
IS VITAL TO HOMELAND SECURITY,
IN ORDER TO COMBAT THE
"CAMOUFLAGING TACTICS OF ILLEGAL
BORDER CROSSERS."
OH, THAT'S SO TRUE.
SO MANY MIGRANTS CAMOUFLAGE
THEMSELVES AGAINST THE WALL.
IN FACT, THEY RECENTLY CAUGHT
THIS GUY TRYING TO GET OVER.
 ( LAUGHTER )
AND WE ALREADY HAVE AN IDEA WHAT
COLOR THE WALL WILL BE BECAUSE
LAST MONTH, TRUMP SAID HE WANTS
IT PAINTED "FLAT BLACK," A DARK
HUE THAT WOULD ABSORB HEAT IN
THE SUMMER, MAKING THE METAL TOO
HOT FOR CLIMBERS TO SCALE.
ADDITIONALLY, HE WANTS THE WHOLE
THING TOPPED WITH SHARP SPIKES.
(AS TRUMP)
"OKAY, IT'S GOTTA BE BLAZING HOT
WITH SPIKES ON TOP, A MOAT FULL
OF LASER-GUIDED CROCODILES,
OKAY, BUT ATTRACTIVE,
GOOD-LOOKING CROCS, NO ALLIGATOR
UGGOS."
SPEAKING OF WALL...
MART.
YESTERDAY, WALMART HAD ITS
ANNUAL SHAREHOLDERS MEETING IN
ARKANSAS, AND BERNIE SANDERS
SHOWED UP.
HE WAS INVITED TO SPEAK BY A
WORKERS' RIGHTS GROUP, AND HE
ADVOCATED FOR TWO THINGS:
EMPLOYEE REPRESENTATION ON THE
COMPANY'S BOARD OF DIRECTORS AND
RAISING WALMART'S MINIMUM WAGE
FROM $11 AN HOUR TO $15 AN
HOUR.
PLUS--
 ( APPLAUSE )
YES.
GOOD MAN.
PLUS, HE HAD TO RETURN A
SIX-PACK OF BRIEFS.
(AS BERNIE)
"THE ELASTIC BAND ON THE MAROON
PAIR ISN'T STRETCHY AT ALL.
IT'S CUTTING OFF ALL THE
FEELING TO MY MEANS OF
PRODUCTION."
 (  LAUGHTER  )
THAT'S WHAT HE CALLS HIS...
HERE'S BERNIE AT THE MEETING,
ACTUALLY, DEFENDING HIS
PROPOSAL:
>> WALMART CAN AFFORD TO PAY
ITS EMPLOYEES A LIVING WAGE OF
AT LEAST $15 AN HOUR.
>> Stephen: "THEY CAN ALSO
AFFORD TO TELL ME WHERE THE
CAMERA IS SO I'M SPEAKING ON
CAMERA.
HELLO?
ANYONE?
MARCO?
HELLO, MARCO.
HELLO, WHAT AM I-- OH, HELLO."
 ( APPLAUSE )
SILLY JOKE, SILLY JOKE.
BUT IN A SHOCKING TWIST, WALMART
DID NOT GIVE ANYONE MORE MONEY.
AFTER BERNIE SPOKE, WALMART'S
BOARD OF DIRECTORS REJECTED THE
PLAN.
BUT THEY DID OFFER BERNIE A JOB
AS A GREETER.
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
ELISABETH MOSS IS HERE!
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I MEET THE
BIGGEST STAR ON BROADWAY.
STICK AROUND.
