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Hey there?
This is Christopher Walken!
I was talking to a Gerald?
Jerry?
Gerald?
Anyway, my damn phone cut out and I just wanted
to finish the story, my epic tale that I was
telling him!
In case you're not Jerry, I'll recap for you!
Do you think Hillary should drop out and give
the nomination to Obama?
Bill, babe, why did you kidnap me and stuff?
I present to you the next President of the
United States!
What the hell?
I promise I will hire Will Smith and Jeff
Goldblum to seek out the source of these aliens!
After our campaign bombed we decided it was
time to retool.
So we decided to hash out our thoughts over
some fine dining!
I just don't get it!
None of the news media outlets even acknowledge
your candidacy!
You've done so bad you don't make an impact
in the polls!
It's like they think you're bogus!
Like the theory of evolution!
Okay, that's it.
I'm done, it's over!
I am getting a to-go box for my quesadillas
an I am going home!
I hate to admit it, but you're right!
I guess you weren't the chosen one, after
all!
There's only one thing I can do now to save
the league!
What do you mean?
Like, stop being close minded and embrace
a new era of politics by supporting your wife?
No.
I'm gonna have to kill the bitch!
Wait!
Stop!
What the hell am I hearing here?!
We can't give up!
So what if Chris is unpopular, unorganized,
and possibly the worst choice in the world
for president!
You know what?
He's right!
That didn't stop him and he won!
Twice in fact!
Wait, I don't get it?
Wait, so for reals, what should I do?
Look, Americans are stupid.
The majority of them only care about three
things.
One, Jesus.
Two, abortion rights.
And C, nine-eleven.
Just go up to that podium, with a bible, a
dead fetus, remind people of 9/11 every five
minutes, and you'll be set!
It also helps if you say "I did not" before
every statement!
Next week is a debate between the democratic
candidates!
We will ship him into the debate and show
America what you're really made of!
And don't worry!
Bill and I will help you every step of the
way!
You know, politics is such a dirty business!
I say from now on we be very honest and open
with this campaign!
No lies, no tricks!
We're gonna run a clean campaign!
Bill, babe, that's great!
But I don't like know the issues, I get tongue
tied!
How are we gonna pull this off?
Simple!
We're gonna rig the debate!
I've got everything planned!
It's gonna be perfect!
We'll boot Obama out of the debate, and get
you into his place! Hillary is a good debater.
So we'll have George take her place!
She has the face of a popsicle so no one will
ever know the difference!
And last but not least, we'll have you wear
this headset!
One of the top political minds of all time
will tell you exactly what you need to say!
So, like, who's the person, or man, who's
going to be feeding me the lines?
You reading me Big B?
Rodger, Ten four!
So what if the moderator realizes we rigged
the debate?
I got it covered!
Don't worry!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome to what will most certainly be a heated
and educational debate, tonight!
And without further ado please give a round
of applause for Senator Hillary Clinton and
Senator Bara...
And super star Christopher Walken!
The newest and best candidate for president
of the United States!
Senator Clinton.
Let's start with you!
Would you please explain what your universal
healthcare system is all about?
Well, I believe people benefit from being
healthy!
We need to be careful how we achieve that!
That's where the care part comes in, see?
As far as the universe, lets first concentrate
on the first 50 odd states in this country
first.
Well, that was sure a shitty response!
But what do you expect?
From a girl!
And your rebuttal, future president?
All right, that's your cue!
Speak your wisdom!
*unintelligible*
What?
*unintelligible*
Dammit, man!
What the hell are you saying?!
Speak words! Words!
*unintelligible*
Oh well, screw this!
Healthcare!
Right!
I would make it free?
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Free healthcare for everyone!
Yay!
Oh my!
You truly are a gift from the gods!
Next question, the economy.
What's your stance, Mr. Walken?
Economy?
Economy.
You mean economics?
As in coins and paper money?
All I know is things have gotten more and
more expensive ever since for like, 7 years.
Senator Bitch!
Excuse me, Clinton?
Your response?
Well, if I didn't know any better, I would
think my worthy opponent is implying the Bush
Administration is responsible for the economic
recession we're entering!
I mean, we're not entering a recession!
The economy is just taking a nap!
It's tired!
I take naps too!
We all do it!
All right, next question!
The war in Iraq.
What's your stance and take on that, Mr. Walken?
Well, I mean, it's stupid!
I don't even know why were there?
What?
For oil?
To have some fun?
Are we looking for more weapons of mass destruction
that aren't there?
Maybe we should go look in Neverland, am I
right?
There were WMDs over there you no talent schmo!
They covered them with sand!
Do you realize how much sand is over there?!
At least 100 sandboxes worth!
George, what the hell, man?
Don't you what the hell me!
I!
I was the best presidential ever!
Hey, man!
Keep your hands off the merchandise!
I'm gonna beatify you!
Quit it!
Make me!
Well, that about concludes our debate for
this evening!
Make sure to vote for Walken!
Have a goodnight, folks!
Oh, hey honey buns!
And that's exactly why Hillary lost so much
ground!
It was me!
It was all me!
Well, I guess Georgey Boy and Bill helped
too, but you know.
Mailbox currently full!
Please try again later!
That's a rude response after I bare my heart
and soul to you!
God!
Well, someday, I will share my experience
with the world!
That is when people are ready.
Ready for 
the truth!
