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The thing that I sometimes like with this
sort of discourse is this sort of idea that
like unless someone wants to be your husband
tomorrow, they are fetishizing you because
that doesn't really reflect relationships
at all.
You can fetishize somebody and still be very
much in love with them.
[Music]
hey guys, it's Kat!
And it's time for another episode of True Tea!
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So anyways, you're brand new here.
What we'd like to do here is learn, share,
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And this is the conversation segment.
This is where we just talk.
These are unscripted videos where we just
sort of passionately talk about whatever the
heck is on our mind in this week.
So this week we've got quite interesting conversation
so we'll jump into it.
But before we do, I do highly suggest that
you go to your kitchen and grab yourself something
to drink.
Now personally, I am drinking some peach tranquility
out of my new true tea mug that you can find
now in my merch store.
You guys can just the links and things below
here.
Now this is the first Mug I'm going to make.
I'm going to make a couple more mugs.
But what I want to do on the other side of
these mugs is put little like inside joke sayings
You guys probably also see that there is some
radicalized me, Daddy.
Um, there's some radicalized me daddy merch
because that was a joke that I made in one
of my true tea videos.
And you know, now it's just, you know, it's
just, it's now it's merch
You can buy It if you want.
So I'm curious what you guys think I should
do in terms of merch and what sort of fun
little sayings I should have on the back of
these.
So yeah, if you got any suggestions, I would
love to hear them.
Anyway let me take a big gulp and let's get into the  tea
Ugh, I dripped it.
I'm already spilling tea so to speak.
So this is a topic that some people really
wanted me to discuss.
It's one that's actually a little nostalgic
for me because this is, I feel like a repetition
of a conversation that I've already had, I've
been having on here for a very long time.
So, you know, hopefully I'll be able to get
my thoughts out there in an organized way.
So here we go.
We're going to be talking about Malik Yoba
trans attraction and all of the accusations
and things around it.
Right?
Here we go.
So for those of you guys who don't know, I
do not remember that.
The young man's name.
So please, if you know it, put it in the comment
section, I would appreciate it.
Um, there was a young black man who was dating
a black trans woman and he recently, um, was
speaking very openly about dating a trans
woman.
And, um, after he got a lot of abuse, a lot
of, you know, shitty messages and things
like that, harassment and stuff for him, loving
a transgender woman, he committed suicide.
Right?
Um, and when Malik Yoba saw this, he decided
that he was going to step out and into his
truth and decided to openly discuss that he
was also a man who was attracted to women
of transgender experience.
Right.
Now I had a lot of reactions to this.
Um, and I want to start by saying that I was
initially very, very happy to see this.
You know, I've been waiting for years to have
a big, well known celebrity openly acknowledge
trans attraction.
And you know, I'll start out the conversation
by saying this.
You know, as a trans person, you're often
made to feel like you're not a trustworthy
narrator of your own experiences.
And for me, this is a, this is something that's
very obvious when we talk about love, relationships,
dating, etc.
You know, there's some people who listen to
me talk about my dating life and my sex life
and they think that I'm just like making it
up, you know, like I'm just fabricating it,
you know, cause in their mind and no one likes
transgender people.
And it's always been really bizarre for me
that people feel that way because I've always
had a very, very active dating life always.
You know?
And so it's very, very, very strange and quite
frustrating honestly, that people often don't
quite get that.
Yes, there are men who do like transgender
women.
Now of course when he came out and immediately
said that he was attracted to trans women,
we heard what we always hear in conversations
that relate to trans people, period.
That Malik Yoba is a gay man for being
attracted to trans people.
In fact, I was watching on a lovely tee who
I love.
Um, but unfortunately, like a lot of black
female creators, there's always the inevitable
transphobia that pops up.
And of course, lovely tea could not go through
out.
She could not go through a whole video without
saying that Malik Yoba is really just a
gay man who is not comfortable with himself
right now.
Here's why that frustrates me.
Now we'll, we'll go through this real quick
because I've talked about this so many times
on my channel that I'm sick of talking about
it, right?
So first and foremost, okay, as you guys should
know by now, if you are a consistent viewer
of this, this show, I am not really particularly
interested in heterosexual men, right?
Not particularly interested, nothing against
them.
You know, some of my best friends are heterosexual
men, but you know, I just personally do not
prefer them.
You know, I have a very strong preference
for bisexual men who, and pansexual
men because they tend to have self examined
themselves in a way that the average straight
guy just hasn't.
My partners currently, all of them are bisexual.
I have not dated a straight man in a very
long time.
Um, but anyway, um, I want to start out by
saying that because I know that for some people
when they hear this particular thing, I'm
about to say, they think that it's all about
this, this need to frame these men as heterosexual
so that I can feel more valuable or valid
as a woman that is not the at all whatsoever.
In fact, I will overshare.
I'm about to overshare.
And y'all gonna think I'm disgusting after
this, but you know, um, I've, I have had a
partner for two years and him and I are, you
know, we're really, really good intimately
and things like that.
And one of the things that we have been trying
to do for the past couple of years is fine.
You know, a handsome, you know, Bi guy to
maybe join us some time.
Um, I know I'm just to hypocrite after doing
my video about, you know, Unicorn hunters,
but we've been looking for a third and so
for a lot of what a lot of men that I meet,
I almost immediately mentioned a preference
for bisexual men.
And then I always casually mentioned that
my partner is bisexual and that we'd be looking
for a third
Right?
And you know, honestly guys, even my current
partners right now like that are all bisexual
probably wouldn't be into each other.
You know, it's not a situation like a lot
of people, I think what they hear when they
talk, like a lot of times we talk about Trans
Women, all people can think about is Dick,
right?
That's all they can think about.
dick dick dick dick dick and if a man is with someone
who has a penis that makes them gay, now I'm
not gonna fucking sit here and explain that
shit to you because to be completely honest,
and maybe we'll do a whole video about this
some point, there's a lot of reasons why men
like transgender women, there's a lot of reasons
and a lot of them do not have to do with genitalia
at all whatsoever.
You know, if you guys want that video, we're
gonna talk a little bit about trans attraction
in this video, but there's a lot of reasons
why some people like trans women and a lot
of them don't have to do a genitalia at all
whatsoever, which I know is shocking and surprising
and confusing.
But like that is all that is the case, right?
Um, but you know, I'm not here to justify
it.
I'm just here to say that in my experience
as someone who prefers bi men who is a trans
person, I have found it very uncommon for
men who like me to also be attracted to men,
which is super unfortunate for me and my partner.
But anyway, so we'll start with that.
And I will say that one of the things that
frustrated me about this was, you know, this
for me, I mean, look, we'll get to the accusations
and things later, but let's just say this
for what it is.
You know, in terms of representation, this
was an exciting thing for me for a moment.
You know, this was a black man and black man
coming out and saying, I love Trans Women
and I don't care.
Look, let me tell you, I won't get, I won't
get into the in this video, but I've been
wanting to make a video about this.
I want, I've been wanting to make a video
about why I've found it so hard for me to
date black men.
And it's, it's, it's, it's the reaction to
Malik Yoba, right?
That's like a great example of it.
Like I got so much shit for having a white
partner.
I get so much shit for having currently mostly
white partners.
Not all my partners are white, but most of
them are.
Um, and you know what I mean?
To be honest with you guys, it's just been
very, very hard for me to find a black man
who is secured in sexuality, who does not
care, who you know, has a IDGAF, you know,
personality.
And you know, the Times that I have found
those about those black men there, they're
chasing after white women.
You know, that's been, that's all been sorta
thing.
But like it's very, very, very, very, very,
very, very, very, very rare.
Now you guys know or should know by now that
I'm polyamorous, from the BDSM community.
I'm a very social person and I, the people
that I'm dating, especially in LA
in central LA and things like that, like they
all know each other.
I mean like it's, I'm not a person who dates
people secretly.
I'm not a person who dates these like down low guys.
Like I'm a very public person.
I mean I'm not going to bring my partners
onto my youtube channel, so don't hold your
breath for that.
But I'm a fairly public person.
The people who are dating me know each other.
I mean, hell, one of the Times I was dating
thing, these two guys in the goth community
and they're both at the, at the same goth
club and they took a picture with each other
and sent it to me.
Like that's the sort of life I live.
Right?
So there's some things in this conversation
that I know I'm not, I don't live the way
that other people do.
I guess I have a lot of privilege that sort
of is what it is, but I'm starting out by
saying that like I have this sort of circle
of mostly white partners who have this sort
of freedom that a lot of black men don't.
And you know a lot of times when I see stuff
like this happen, right when I have, when
you have these black men who have come out
and openly said, hey, this is who I am, and
then I watched these black women come in like
sort of shame them for it.
It's like the s the c, the cyclical nature
of that boggles my mind.
You want these men to be open about who they
are.
You want these men to not be down low
You don't want your husbands to be cheating
and hiding and this and this and that.
Duh Duh, Duh, but you don't want to celebrate
them being honest about who they are.
You know, a lot of black men feel like they
can't be honest and look, my life is too short.
I really don't have patients to, to sit with
a man while he works on itself.
I don't care what race, racial background
he is, but for me to have a black man come
out and say that was really, really important,
honestly, because I know there's a lot of
black men out there who need to see that because
you know, going back to the whole, you know,
people not trusting my narration thing.
I know who I date, I know who I have dated.
I know that there is enough people that I've
gone out with, dated, had interesting all
these things for there for proven for people
to, if they wanted to talk, talk to each other
about it.
But there really isn't a conversation that
men have around trends.
Attraction.
I mean, one that's not creepy.
We'll get to that later.
Right?
There's not a lot of that.
There's not a lot of that.
So what I do respect about what at least Malique
Yorba is trying to do is make space for those
men.
Now there's another question about whether
or not these men need to come out with or
not.
These men need a space where they can, you
know, feel heard and seen and things like
that.
That's an whole nother conversation.
But what I will say was that at least as a
concept, this celebrity who is looked up to,
especially someone who is, you know, very
masculine, heterosexual, all these other things,
which side note reflects the average man that
I've dealt with, um, as a trans woman.
That was, uh, that was really, really, really,
really huge to me.
And I think that it, it really does mean a
lot to other people.
And even in my personal life, I've had, you
know, like I'm dating a guy right now who
I'm, I'm hit the, his first experience with
a trans person and you know, had he not seen
other people date me and our, in our personal
circle, he probably wouldn't be as comfortable.
You know, sometimes seeing other people date
you, they trans people makes people feel more
comfortable, you know, which is why sometimes
this whole conversation is frustrating to
me.
You've got these people who are fighting against
these open conversations about trans attraction,
but like, it's such a cycle.
It's such a cycle, you know, a lot of shit
happens in the dark because we don't want
to acknowledge that men have this attraction.
We shame these men for being secretive, which
often means that as as secretive people, they
do abusive and Shitty and terrible things,
right?
But then we also don't really want to make
space for them when they're open.
You know, this will segue into my other conversation.
Like a lot of people had issues with Malique
Yorba referring to himself as trans attracted.
Um, and that was very interesting to me.
And let me get some water or not water.
This is some tea
cause even though the sun's going down, it
is very hot right now.
Um, a lot of people had issues with Malique.
You're referring to himself as trans attracted.
You know, some people read that as very fetishy.
Now this is a whole other video topic.
This is a whole other video conversation,
right?
But I'll be honest with you guys and, and
look, I feel like I feel a lot of the way
that I do because I've had a lot of time around
living as a trans person, being a trans person,
a lot of trans women specifically, and maybe
trans guys too, but I don't know that side
of the, the, the s the life, um, a lot of
trans women really do not like the idea that
people can actually be attracted to them as
transgender people.
That's something that I've noticed and it's
always been something that's kind of fascinating
to me.
In a way.
You have these people who on one hand wants
to be included, want to be admired, want to
be loved, want to be affirmed, right?
But they can't be affirmed as a trans person.
They have to be confirmed and affirmed in
a way where they are relating to or similar
to a CIS person.
Right.
Um, and I know that so much of that is tied
up in dysphoria.
I know that a lot of that is tied up and just
not wanting to be seen as a trans person.
But I'll be honest with you guys,
I s I think I started having a much happier
dating life when I lose comfortable with dating
people who knew that I was trans first and
foremost, but also actually didn't see me
as an exception, right?
Because we are trans, you often want to date
these people who like, you know, they don't
usually date trans people, but they're making
the exception for you.
You know, usually you want to often date people
like that, right?
I talk about that in my video about dating
trans guys.
Right?
But like as we get visibility, as we have
representation and things like that, there
is a growing amount of men who now click on
to not just porn on the television, click
on to anything and they see beautiful trans
women and Trans femmes and they say, I would
like to date that.
I would like to be with someone like that.
Right.
And I think, but some people need to just
accept that maybe that is what it is, you
know?
And not saying that you should be comfortable
with what people fetishizing you or people
you know, wanting certain things from you
that you don't want to give them.
I know y'all can read between the lines there.
Um, but I just, I, I w I would love for trans
women to get away from this like distinct
hatred of men who are attracted to us actively
and this preference for men who can only be
attracted to us if they think that we're cysts.
I don't think that that's healthy.
I don't think that that's productive.
I don't think that that's what we should be
doing.
They are plenty of men out there in the, in
this 2019 who have had experiences with transgender
women who have had, you know, um, they're
happy, positive interaction with a trans woman
and they say, this is who I want to be with.
This is why I want to love.
And I think we really should stop holding
them, holding that against them.
You know, I really, really, really think we
should.
Right?
Because when people were talking about, oh,
I don't really like trans attract attractive,
like I was watching Justin JTV and he mentioned
this, you know, he says it comes off as a
fetish.
You know, one thing I really am going to need
for some people who are not transgender to
do is to not get offended for us to not, you
know, uh, missio
trans attracted to me at least is not a bad
thing.
Now of course there's a conversation about,
so here's the thing, here's what I was gonna
say.
I was gonna go on this other thing, but let's
say this, you know, I was gonna say, there's
a conversation about when you say that you're
attracted to trans people, what does that mean
mean?
Right?
What does that mean?
Right?
Because Trans people come in all different
shapes and sizes, right?
I had a lot of conversations with men who
their particular interest in trans women is
very, very tied to the idea of someone who
is surgically enhanced.
Right?
And I've never had plastic surgery of any
sort.
Right.
And for men, that is a turnoff, right?
Yeah.
That's kind of fetish is the me, right?
That's kind of fetish.
She, um, it is very fetishy but maybe that's
just what he likes me, but that's just what
he likes, you know, and, and, and really what
I'm trying to say is that there are men who
are very particularly attracted to someone
because they're transgender and yes, they
have a very specific narrow idea of what transgender
looks like.
Right.
And that is what they're attracted to.
I mean, we see this in like the traps community
where there's, there's this very particular
aesthetic, this very particular look that
isn't quite assist woman's aesthetic.
It maybe is a little bit, but like it's, I
mean mostly it is, but like it's, there's
a very specific layer of vague androgyny there
that is a particular thing that these men
are attracted to.
And I know that that's triggering.
I know that that's upsetting.
I know that that makes people dysphoric.
I get it.
I understand.
Okay.
I don't think that just because someone is
attracted, because here's my problem.
It was watching the breakfast club interview,
right.
And though the, I'm one of the Trans Women
who was on there, she, she made a comment
that, you know, trans attracted, Ahm, isn't
as good as trans amorous right in her distinction
was trans attracted, makes it sound like you
just want to sleep with trans women.
Whereas Trans Amorous means that you just
want to, you want to fall in love with them.
You want to date them, you want a serious
relationship with them.
Now maybe it's because of just, again, my
own experiences and the shit that I've experienced
and my polyamory and my sex positivity and
things like that.
But men, there's a lot of men out there who
want to fuck cis women without any sort of
repercussion or relationship.
You know, very, very, very, very, very, very,
very, very, very, very, very common, right.
For these men to just want to fuck a cis girl,
not talk to her, not know anything about her,
not get to know her.
Now is that guy fetishizing assists woman
because he just wants to have sex?
No, he's just trying to fuck, you know, and
I don't think that that inherently makes them
a bad person.
Now.
It can be a, he's, he's dishonest about it.
It can be if he's misleading, it can be, if
he's not somebody who makes it clear that
that's all he wants.
Right.
But I'm just trying to communicate that this
whole thing that like it's not bad if the
person actually wants to date you.
It's just not realistic.
You know?
And I think sometimes when you're trans, you
kind of work in those dichotomies.
Sometimes it don't always truly make sense.
Um, again, CIS men, cause we're always talking
about CIS men.
Um, CIS men, um, you know, use women for sex
all the time.
[inaudible]
and you know, and there's another thing.
Here's another thing, cause I think, uh, there's
another conversation, uh, so much to be said
here, but sometimes women use men for sex
too.
Again, maybe it's because I'm just such a
sex positive environment all the time.
But like I see this commonly, there are people
who literally just want to have sex with someone
and that is what it is.
And that's that and that doesn't always need
to be a bad thing.
It doesn't always need to be a bad thing.
And the thing that I still sometimes like
with this sort of discourse is this sort of
idea that like unless someone wants to be
your husband tomorrow, they are fetishizing
you because that doesn't really reflect relationships
at all.
You can fetishize somebody and still be very
much in love with them like that.
These things can coexist.
One of these things does not cancel out the
other.
You know, having a fetish is not necessarily
a bad thing.
Now obviously the problem with how men fetishize
trans women is that all too often we are narrowed
down to exclusively just that we are limited
only to being a person who performs a sexual
activity format.
That is the oppressive aspect of it, right?
That is what that is the oppressive thing
that's happening, right?
That doesn't mean that a man can't fetishize
somebody and also love you at the same time.
Like, it's not, these things don't contradict
each other, but I think maybe it's just cause
of my kinkiness and my involvement in the
communities and things like, I don't know,
maybe that's just kind of where I'm coming
from.
But you know, these things don't necessarily
contradict each other.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Um, so anyway, on, so now let's bleed into
this other conversation, right, about the
abuse stuff.
Um, I would, I would not, it would not surprise
me.
It would absolutely not surprise me if Maliki
orbit did these things.
Not at all whatsoever.
You see, one of the things I was trying to
allude to earlier in this video was that,
you know, when you have these people who were
sort of put into these, these, these, these
spaces, it, we put into darkness, you know,
they're shoved into this, this place, this
place where they cannot at all reference their
actual attractions or actual interest because
of what socially is and isn't acceptable.
It's, it's, it's not hard for those people
to go and then abuse people who they're keeping
secret.
Right.
It's not uncommon, you know?
I know just from what I dealt with when I
was underage.
I, you know, you guys have seen these, those
videos that I've talked about that before,
that it's very, very possible.
It, it very much happens.
You have these men, they're married, they've
got kids, they've got all types of, you know,
normative things in their daily life.
But you know, they will go and try to find
trans women, you know, and often for the longest
time finding trans women meant going to sex
workers and they'll mistreat them and they'll
abuse them.
And the thing is they can, because we live
in a world that does not acknowledge that
these sort of relationships even exist.
Right.
And I, and I hope it, none of that sounds
like I'm trying to defend it if it happened.
I'm not at all.
I'm just saying that these, it doesn't shock
me that these sorts of things happen and they
coincide.
You know, you, what would it, what would a,
an underage trans sex worker, how would an
underage trans sex worker be supported by
the cops after being harassed, after being
abused?
You know, she goes to the police, she's going
to get arrested.
So what that means is that now these people
have this group of people that they get to
pray on.
They get that they get to do a abuse without
impunity, almost because we just live in a
society that does not acknowledge that these
sorts of things happen, right?
And you know, of course, this is made even
more real, even more true when the person
is also black, right?
I'm also a person of color right there.
They're even, and even less, they have even
less of an ability to be, you know, to take
this to the cops and actually be listened
to.
Right?
So, you know, I do not really doubt that that's
a possible thing that could have happened.
Um, especially with the way that Malique always
kinda talks about knowing trans woman through
the streets.
You know, a lot of people ran away.
A lot of people in the ballroom community,
which he always references, ran away from
home or were kicked out of home and went into
the ball scene and they were able to transform
themselves.
And B, you know, these beautiful, you know,
badasses within the ball ballroom scene.
Like it, it happened, it happened and it still
is happening.
So I do not doubt that that was the case.
I Duh, Duh.
It would not surprise me at all whatsoever.
You know, I really would love to be able to
be in a point in society where we can actually
just acknowledge that men occasionally or
for their, for the rest of their life if they
want to date transgender women.
Um, I think that not having those conversations,
it's a reason why when we get killed, people
assume, oh, she just tricked him because you
know, who would want to sleep with a trans
woman out of their own free will.
You know, he, you know, he had to have been
tricked, you know, he had to have been fooled
because no one would w would willingly seek
with a trans person.
You know, we ignore how trans people experience
intimate partner violence because we do not
want to acknowledge that trans women have
intimate partners.
Right.
And so I think that, you know, unfortunately
it was Mulligan Marva who had these accusations
that came along, but I hope that other celebrities
eventually come out because, let me tell you
guys, I live in La.
Okay.
Live in La.
I have girl money.
I'm going to tell you about my weekend.
Um, I've been in the homes of celebrities,
I've been in the homes of very influential
people in, in, in, in Hollywood.
You know, it's not like it isn't a thing.
It's a thing.
It's a thing.
And much like these men like cis women, they
also like Trans Women, right?
And the exact way, but we won't, people don't
acknowledge that.
People don't see that because well, if they
were to acknowledge that, they would have
to admit that we exist in more context than
just theoretical jokes where you're trying
to get your, your buddy to, you know, accidentally
fuck a man, you know?
So anyway, whole other conversation.
There's a ton of conversations here, but we've
been here for long enough.
So I wanted to close this out.
I would really love to hear what you guys
have to say about this.
Obviously I've got a lot of perspectives and
I'm sure that there will be more things that
come out of even this video on its own.
So I would absolutely love to hear what you
guys have to say.
So I would really appreciate it if you guys
left a comment in the comment box below so
that I can get, you know, all the inflammation
some you, so right now you're looking at two
videos that you can watch if you want to continue
to watch True Tea on this channel.
And Yeah, if you, um, if you got something
from this, if you thought that it was insightful,
you know, I'm a girl likes to eat and you
can send her a tip if you would like.
Um, so there's all those various ways in the
corner that you can do so.
And I will see you guys next week.
Bye.
