

### Awakening to the Journey Home

### A Farmboy, the Mystery and Mysticism

### Bill Turner

Copyright © 2014 by Bill Turner  
Smashwords Edition

All rights reserved. No parts of this publication may be reproduced by any mechanical, photographic, or electronic process, nor may it be stored in a retrieval system, transmitted, or otherwise copied for public or private use without prior written permission from the publisher and copyright owner at intuitivemoments@mymts.net

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publications  
ISBN 978-1-77136-305-1

Cover by Bill Turner; cover photo by Lynne Cawley  
Interior design and layout by Gail Horvath and Art Bookbindery Inc.  
Ebook formatting by Maureen Cutajar, gopublished.com

To order additional copies contact:  
intuitivemoments@mymts.net

Contents

Acknowledgements

Preface

Chapter 1 – The Nine-Year-Old Farmboy

Chapter 2 – 1960s Bread and Fish Meditation

Chapter 3 – The Aura Journey

Chapter 4 – The Bluff of Trees

Chapter 5 – Mind Control – Entering the Psychic Field

Chapter 6 – The Big Green Door

Chapter 7 – Feeling the Spirit Nudging in Sacred Discoveries

Chapter 8 – Energy Work Experience

Chapter 9 – Challenging Perceived Limits

Chapter 10 – Meditative Prayer Vigil

Chapter 11 – Prairie Jubilee Program Journey

Chapter 12 – There Is More to This Than What Is Perceived

Chapter 13 – Blue Dot and Red Ribbon Image

Chapter 14 – Reflections & Summation

Closing Comments

Works Cited

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

I'd like to express my deep appreciation to:

• My wife of more than forty years, for all the love given to me and our four children, for all the years of support and patience she gives me in attending the many spiritual retreats, and her funny ability to tune me out when I'm too long winded.

• My four wonderful children who have given me the privilege of being their dad, for sharing the joys and sorrows of life and for supporting me through my mystical journey. And their amazing gift of enabling me to experience love as a grandfather.

• All those who have encouraged and supported me in the process of creating this book; the editors, in particular Anna Olson for her patience and wisdom; the many authors who willingly gave permission to use citations from their books; my older sister who listened to my many stories, sometimes wondering where her little brother is going; did the final edit on my book and assisted with cover photography; my younger brother who has been my journey buddy through life; those who gave me permission to use their presence in a particular story; my daughter-in-law Gail for contributing her gift of interior design in this book, and my son Paul who has an amazing ability to take my disjointed five pages and say the same thing in two or three pages; and the supportive, patient people at Art Bookbindery.

• And last but certainly not least is the intuitive emergence of Spirit that has accompanied and encouraged me to move onward, to seek out this mystical journey and share the story with others.

PREFACE

Preparations for the Journey

To begin this book, I'd like to explain some of my thoughts and difficulties in sharing these very personal stories, and why I have chosen to share them.

I have encountered many people who carry a fear, a sense of high emotions, an un-willingness to open the window of the mystery, of the unknown by even sharing their experience with a most trusted other, friend or family. I have seen this with my deceased father, whose story I share in this book. This type of unfinished work or soul work as some may call it, can be a heavy load to bear.

In sharing these stories, I initially wrote them in the third-person perspective and past tense, looking for a safe place to start. Originally, this third person perspective was written as in the Farmboy, then from my name perspective. But with strong suggestions from wise people including editors and respected others, I have chosen to use the first person. Yes, that entailed a complete re-write and reliving the journey of each story.

Some readers may question why I would choose to disassociate myself from I to Bill or even a Farmboy in the story. I hope the following lines satisfy such curiosity.

To begin, I needed to search for a safe place to tell the stories. Secondly, I feel the constant use of 'I' can leave a sense of the story being too egotistical. Thirdly, I would like to use my name or Farmboy to serve as an anchor of imagery. We all have our origin stories, and little bits and pieces of these stories become woven into who we become, or perhaps more accurately, how we are perceived by others. For me, my farm heritage is an essential part of my rural past, which in turn is a fundamental part of my identity, even though I left farming decades ago and have long since become an urbanite.

Some may point out that carrying the farmer image forward is creating a stereotype. This is true, however I believe my stories will serve to challenge any person's farm stereotype and in a similar manner, provoke readers to further question their own presumptions of others. Yes, this is a story of a farmer who wore coveralls, drove tractors and combines, grew crops, fed livestock, and threw bales, but who also embarked on a lifelong spiritual and often mystical journey to understand the mystery of physical existence and its non-physical reality.

So now that I have hopefully set the stage, I would like to introduce you to the young farm lad. My name is Bill. I was born in the fall of 1945, the oldest son in a family of six children. I grew up on the Manitoba escarpment in south central Manitoba, Canada. As a child I had a fascination with the natural world around me and my family. As a teenager I loved the natural processes that are part of the farming reality: growing and caring for the crops, raising and caring for livestock, and working with the landscape. It is the best first-hand introduction to ecology a kid could possibly have!

In the early 1960s I eagerly entered the farming business. This was a progressive, forward thinking family farm business. To provide a constant cash flow for the expanding family farm in the early 1970s, the hog side of the farm business was expanded into a modern up-to-date facility. During that time period, the farm became the largest family farm hog producer for two years in all of Manitoba. A facility of this size did provide some difficulties during price fluctuations, but the majority of the time it provided the farm with a constant cash flow. During good times, the farm continued to grow in other directions, such as enlarging the cropped-acre land base through purchasing and renting land; modernizing equipment; operating a cattle feed lot; growing pedigree seeds; establishing a mechanized grain drying system for on-farm use and custom work; and eventually incorporating a backhoe for on-farm use and custom work. There was rarely a slow day.

After 24 years of farming, not only had the farm grown but so had each partner's family. It became more and more evident that the cooperative business model of the farm did not fit well with the varying desires, aspirations and expectations of each of the growing families. The eventual outcome was that the farm was sold and the family members went their own separate ways. Although we walked separate paths, we all managed to retain a close friendship to this day.

I left the farm with my wife Cheryl and our four young children. I followed my passion for the natural world and took a job working in soil and water conservation. For the next 24 years, I tended the delicate balance between agriculture and the natural environment on the Manitoba escarpment. During the last 12 years, I served as field manager for a first-of-its-kind watershed research facility on the South Tobacco Creek watershed. The research included evaluating the optimal conservation management practices for agriculture and their impacts on the land, water quality and quantity.1

Over the period in which these stories take place, I worked hard to maintain a decent quality of living for myself and family. These stories are a sort of "behind the scenes" glimpse beyond the normative roles I've filled as farmer, conservationist, husband, father, and grandfather, but all these roles have been essential to my being.

Over time I have shared my experiences with those closest to me and those walking similar paths. With some encouragement, I decided to write this book in hopes of sharing the mystery of these experiences with you the reader.

The Journey's Signpost

The intent of this "Journey's Signpost" is to assist you in the reading of these stories. I ask that you keep the various sign circles in mind as you move through the stories. The circle rings or signs will appear woven throughout the mystery present in these stories, just as they appear in your own life experience. Be still and listen. During the experience of living these stories, doors were opened to mystery, a mystery that crept into my life's perspective from every direction.

As this journey has continued, I have begun to see an underlying connectedness in all the unfolding of creation, our natural world, including our humanity. Over time, I began recognizing this mystery as the Essence, the Spirit, the Holy Other, or the Oneness that is the basic underlying energy rooted in our experience of physical reality. It's an interconnectedness beyond our perceived separateness from this Other.

Original art design by B. Turner, Graphic layout Eagleye Printing & Design

1 This research project was a collaborative initiative with the local landowners, the farm organization Deerwood Soil and Water Management Association, and numerous research partners including federal and provincial government departments, universities from across Canada and private companies. The primary government lead was Agriculture and Agr-Food Canada. <http://www.agr.gc.ca/eng/?id=1297269073820>

CHAPTER 1  
THE NINE-YEAR-OLD FARMBOY

I start this story with myself as a nine-year-old farmboy, near the mid 1950s. My two siblings and I are walking the 3 3/4 miles home from school. Our father is busy with spring seeding; we children have more time than our father, so we walk home. As a nine-year old I am a very inquisitive boy, always taking time to check out something in the natural world that catches my attention. Walking home always offers many opportunities to stop and investigate some part of nature in the escarpment hills, valleys, many creeks and potholes.

While walking home one day, I stop to investigate the small culvert and out-flowing pool of clear water to look for tadpoles and frog eggs. Glancing up, I notice my two siblings have left me behind and are continuing with their walk. I know I can catch up to them in a minute or two. But, as I get more engrossed in the various frog egg clumps and hatchlings, time passes.

At last I remove myself from the wonder at hand and quickly jog to the top of the next knoll. My siblings, seeing their advantage, also begin running to stay ahead of me. The race is on. I know I can outrun my siblings so I push myself harder, my young heart pounding and my breath coming in rapid deep gasps. I sense that I am making headway, and am certain I'll catch them by the time they enter the farmyard.

On the last shortcut, a downhill slope across a field before the farmyard, I am feeling sure my arrival home will match my brother and sister, when I'm caught abruptly by a male voice saying, "Why is it so important to catch up to the others?" I slow my jogging to a complete stop, look behind me..., to the left..., to the right..., but no one is there. Then glancing ahead to my siblings who were not looking back at that moment, I do the unimaginable in seeking the voice; I glance above, checking all horizons but found no one or anything near me.

I stand there, my heart still racing, my breath deep and rapid, my inquisitive young mind trying to make sense of what has just occurred. I walk the next quarter mile home mulling over and over my experience, coming to no conclusion, simply accepting the experience. Unknown to me as a young boy, this mysterious experience and resultant pondering is to become the beginning of a lifetime's journey. In later years I have recognized this voice as the intuitive presence of Spirit.

CHAPTER 2  
1960S BREAD AND FISH MEDITATION

It is the mid 1960s. I am now a young man, entering my early 20s. I have purchased my first quarter section four years previous, and I'm well into moving ahead with living the monopoly game of farming with my father Ackroyd. My brother, 14 months younger than I, has tried the Royal Canadian Navy for several years. Now, the growing family farm looks more appealing than Navy life, so he comes home to join the expanding family farm. It is a good time, father and two sons sharing the workload and expanding when the farm economics and opportunities are beneficial.

In the 1960s, many young people in the western world are seeking enlightenment. This world of the 1960s to mid 1970s generation is awash with various yogis, gurus and wannabe spiritual leaders.

I still retain my inquisitive nature, and now I have a brother, a co-worker who is just as eager to search for spiritual enlightenment as I. We read and practice meditation on a regular basis, as numerous books prescribe, books that include: What is Meditation,2 Siddhartha,3 Autobiography of a Yogi,4 various books by Thomas Merton,5 Joel Goldsmith,6 and many others. We read, discuss, and reread the accumulating stack of spiritual books. In these early years, one of my uncles, a minister and doctor of divinity is also involved with meditation. He is an uncle that my brother and I will stay in touch with on various topics of spirituality. The young men are often invited to take part in a weekend retreat that our uncle is participating in.

One of the weekend retreats, my brother and I are involved in a facilitated group meditation on a biblical story: the feeding of the multitude with only a few loaves of bread and fish. During the meditation the participants are led to a point in which they are to visualize a basket with a few loaves and fish. The group members are to pick up a small basket with its minimal contents and distribute them to the many.

At this point in the meditation, participants are left on their own to experience serving the multitude with a near empty basket. Following ten minutes of serving the basket of food in silence, the group will break off into small groups of four to five people to discuss the experience of serving the multitude.

In deep meditation, I pick up my basket of food. I move forward towards the crowd, approaching a nearby man. I lift the basket waist high, offering the individual some of its contents of bread and fish. This is when my visualized image changes, sweeping me from my mental image of distributing the basket of food. I am familiar with meditation so I take several deep breaths, letting go of the surprising image diversion and gently return once again to the image of the food basket in hand.

Again, I am aware of the crowd, I approach another man with the basket, presenting the gift of food. And, once again the basket of food image follows a similar outcome. The repeated change brings me completely out of the meditative state, confused as to the outcome of my two attempts to serve the basket of food. I never get to meet my intended objective of serving the many.

My brother and I join a review group table of three others. I will be the fourth to present an overview of my experience. The first person expresses his experience of serving the many with so little in his basket, amazed that it never went empty. The second individual provides a somewhat similar story with his feelings, as did the third. During the three short reviews I'm silently contemplating my different experience.

In my experience of offering the basket of food, the first man looked at me, reaches his hand out, around the basket, pausing, offering to shake my basket-holding hand. And likewise my second attempt at offering the food. Only this time the man appeared as if he knows or recognizes me, as one might do with greeting an old friend. This pulled me completely out of my state of meditation.

I search the deeper areas of my mind during the fifteen minutes before my reflection. What would the group's response be if I were truthful to my experience? Would I be questioned or ridiculed for being different and unable to provide any insight or interpretation as to a meaning? Anticipation of sharing the unknown can be associated with a sense of fear. Jennifer Elam speaks of this in _Dancing with God Through the Storm – Mysticism & Mental Illness_7 when she writes about encountering those with such fears in her studies.

I found many people with mystical experiences have fears of having their experiences discounted and being labeled as abnormal.

And yet, I sense, I know intuitively, I have to be open and honest to whatever the experienced image or message has been.

I hesitatingly share my experience. The group looks around at each other, surprised at my words. Several reflect on the story they heard, asking for validation of the story, rather than an explanation. One individual asks, "Do you have any idea what is behind the message, or any connection to the apparent acquaintance in the story?" The only way I can respond is simply, "No, nothing at this time." I feel like a small boat set adrift in a huge lake, unable to find even one oar to provide some movement in any direction.

The last of the review group is my brother who conveys his experience. And it too is somewhat similar to the others. My inquisitive nature ponders the outcome for days after the experience, arriving at no clear answer.

Reflection on the Bread and Fish Meditation

At the time, I knew intuitively this sign or message was just meant to be; I simply must accept the message given and let it be.

In reviewing this story in later years, I can see where there could be some different interpretations of the story. In the late 1970s, I had some association with an elderly East Indian herbalist who lived in Dominion City, Manitoba. He would often comment that he sensed I was an old soul. If I follow the concept of reincarnation, I may have been associated previously with these individuals or even the group that was gathered in the vision. The unfolding of the vision may also be linked to the concept of cosmic consciousness, the interconnectedness of energy or oneness of Spirit.

2 What is Meditation, edited by John White, director of education at the Institute of Neotic Sciences in Palo Alto California, Anchor Books Garden City New York, 1974. This book includes contributions from numerous authors: Swami Chinmayanada, Gopi Krishna, A. Watts, R. Ropp, H. Bloomfield, Joel Goldsmith, Haridas Chaudhuri and many others.

3 _Siddhartha_ , Hermann Hesse, A Bantam Book published by New Directions, 1957

4 _Autobiography of a Yogi_ , Paramahansa Yogananda, Self Realization Fellowship, Los Angeles, California, 1974.

5 _"Disputed Questions"_ , Thomas Merton, The Abbey of Our Lady of Gethsemani,1960

6 _The Master Speaks_ , Joel S. Goldsmith, Acropolis Books Inc, Lakewood, Colorado, 1962

7 Jennifer Elam, _Dancing with God Through the Storm - Mysticism & Mental Illness_, Way Open Press, 2002, page 9. Jennifer Elam is a licensed psychologist who has studied, practiced, and taught psychology since 1969. In 1996 Jennifer took a four-year leave of absence from her psychology work. She became a student of Quakerism, mysticism and art at Pendle Hill, a Quaker centre for study and contemplation. This book grew out of the work she did to integrate her career in psychology with her spiritual life.

CHAPTER 3  
THE AURA JOURNEY

It is the end of the 1960s, a hot muggy August Saturday evening. I have spent three tiring weeks in the haying season and have not been off the land for as many weeks. Tonight I decide to find some friends and attend the local Miami community dance.

The dance hall is still warm during the 12:00 a.m. band break. My friends, girls and I step out for some fresh air and a beer in the back of the parking lot. The tailgates are dropped on the pickup trucks and I sit on the trunk of my car. The conversation covers many topics, from who is dating whom, to the dry weather. One of the girl friends step past the tailgates to my car.

"Can I talk to you about something?" she asks. She has presented the question in a more serious tone than I am familiar with.

"Sure," I reply, sliding over so she could join me on the trunk of the car.

She slid across the trunk lid, "Can I have a sip of your beer?" Still more serious than the chipper young woman she usually is. She took a good swig of my beer and lowers her voice so others wouldn't hear.

"I'm going to tell you something, but you can't tell anyone. My boyfriend told me never to tell anyone or they'd think I am crazy, as crazy as the patients I care for." She is just finishing up her practicum for work as a psychiatric nurse. I am really curious to know where this is headed.

She continues. "Have you ever had anything to do with auras?"

"No, but I have some idea what you're talking about," I reply.

"Well, I can see your aura, it's always a yellow color and it varies in brightness," she replies. "Have you had a tiring week, because it is much dimmer than usual?"

I am intrigued by the very personal topic, replying, "Yes, I have had a tough, busy three weeks."

She moves the conversation forward. "Remember the dance we were all at in Darlingford last month? My boyfriend and I dropped by late and the hall light was very dim. I told my boyfriend you were over on the far side as I could see your aura. That is when he told me never to tell anyone or speak of it again." The conversation topic ended shortly. Both of us wonder, how it is that only she can see my aura?

The topic was never brought up again. Little did she know that warm August evening discussion would become a part of my journey for years to come.

My life of an expanding farm business, marriage and family, places the ever-present intrigue of the aura onto the back burner of the stove. Even in this back burner position, the next fifteen years saw an ever-increasing book accumulation on the bookshelf. In the early 1980s a weekend retreat brings the aura concept into full perception. I move into a state of perceiving auras on those around me.

As the comfort and familiarity with seeing auras grows, I begin to note the uniqueness of the human aura. There is a wide range of colours, which could remain as a consistent colour in relation to an individual. Some might have secondary colours, and occasionally a complete colour change would sweep across the individual's aura.

A person's aura could drift and shift, almost a wavering effect similar to the movement of the northern lights (aurora borealis). Some auras would extend from a tight few centimeters at the shoulders and head, to an average of twenty to forty centimeters. On the odd occasion, an aura can be seen to stretch to the upper reaches of an open style cathedral ceiling, then within fifteen seconds collapse to the thirty to forty centimeter range.

The mystery of the aura colour, changes and movements continues for years.

As I move into the later years of the 1980s, the aura connection threads continue to form more of an underlying awareness. As before, I continue with my daily activities, at peace with the mystical side of life.

My aura experiences continue to merge like puzzle pieces, fitting together, creating an image of awareness. The various colours of the aura appear to be related to an individual's perspective on her/his life experience.

There are times when an aura appears with a dark patch or section. When I approach the person and ask how he or she is doing today, the answer invariably has some tone of negativity about something very personal for that person.

I have learned that the aura's colour shows a direct response to stress. An example that is often observed would be someone giving a presentation, preaching or simply sharing feelings and emotions. If the individual has been able to verbally communicate in a free-flowing manner, then the aura could remain in the twenty to forty centimeter (cm) bandwidth, freely fluctuating in wave-like motions. If the communicating person were to falter, looking down for a reference note, then the aura might decrease to a narrow four-to-eight cm band, decreasing almost before the head can be lowered to see the reference notes. The aura is very sensitive to the ease and free flow of thoughts and communications.

Reflections on the Aura Journey

The late 1960s

The aura questions come first, then an attempt to understand why my aura was visible to a young woman who said she could see it. (For details, see story earlier in this chapter.) The young woman obviously had a psychic sensitivity that enabled her to perceive such energy fields. But why was it just my aura that she could see and not others?

In hindsight, my aura being visible could be connected to the amount of time I spent in meditation. I believe this practice was beginning to impact my energy field at this early stage of my journey.

The 1990s

One aura observation that intrigues me in the later years of the 1990s and turn of the century is in relation to the movement of a person's aura. These observations are usually related to the individual's difficulty in presenting her/his opinion in a presentation and other personal communications. This aura difference becomes evident after an individual has completed her/his difficulty with the presentation.

This observation is not based on any specific individual's aura; it includes female and male, from all walks of life and age. It includes any colour and any aura bandwidth. The commonality is the struggle in communicating one's feelings on various topics.

The intriguing observation begins when I watch the aura begin to stretch, bulging out at some point around the individual, after the person has completed their struggle and appears to be settling down. The aura bulge will extend to a point where it may appear to be a metre or more in size. Still maintaining the same aura colour, it then separates from the individual as an orb or ball, moving off and away from the individual. Although this becomes separated, the individual's aura still maintains the same colour and width. The ball of aura energy continues its movement, disappearing from view as it fades beyond some distant structure.

I have many journal entries and times of contemplation on this aura movement.

Another aura journal entry

I will present how I review one of these entries and how it unfolds.

I sit, relaxed in my sunroom rocker, eating my breakfast early in the morning, soft music playing in the background. I intuitively sense an image emerging as I review my previous aura journal entry. I set my breakfast down, pick up my pen and put to words the image perception.

The image is that of a picture and verse most of us have seen at one time or another. It is a picture of a sandy beach with a single set of human footprints, and a caption that goes something like this: "Where were you when I was so alone and needed you?" And the response is, "Those are not your footprints; they are mine, when I was carrying you."

I think there is a relationship between the aura ball movement and the beach scene and caption. Both are a confirmation of the fact that we physically are not alone. I relate to this as the underlying Oneness of Spirit's presence. Some may relate to this as God's presence. In some cultures it is called the Great Spirit. Some may reflect on it as a Guide or an Angel that is ever present.

In my understanding, there are not eight billion spirits in this physical reality. There is One Essence (Spirit or God energy) bringing this whole physical reality into what we perceive as our reality. In our struggles and joys, we create an imprint on this One Spirit/God Energy connection.

I see the separating globe of energy as part of the God Energy enhancing us in our separateness and struggles. This moving off is a bit of the extra accompaniment (you may see this as an angel or guide) for us during difficulties, (hence similar to the sand tracks) allowing us to continue/complete our journey.

It matters not to me how we perceive and interpret this story, but what matters is to see the truth, the affirmation that has emerged from this experience.

The truth is that we are not separate from the energy of the Divine Presence while in our state of perceiving self as a separate physical or spiritual being. Perhaps I could say this aura is the connection imprint of my physical body struggles/joys, and the spiritual reality of the Oneness. It's the visible/invisible connection.

I know this is not clear and I may not be able to make it any more clear at this point, for I am trying to express something that goes beyond my verbal capability in description.

The musician's aura

In more recent years, I am still encountering experiences that cause many hours of contemplation and journal entries.

I have listened to a musician playing a grand piano. This particular musician has a beautiful iridescent blue aura, about 40 cm surrounding the upper body. During the music, the aura gradually moves and stretches out to encase the entire grand piano. I watch in awe. Later I compliment the musician on this piece of music and she replies this is her favorite piece of music.

A possible explanation: All matter in this physical reality takes form through energy, from molecules to galaxies. These forms include animate and inanimate matter. Human beings have the ability to alter the energy field of other forms. The musician's love for this particular "favorite piece of music" is being expressed in and through the energy field of the inanimate matter of the grand piano.

The mystery remains, causing the same awe and wonder that has been so much a part of my life experience.

CHAPTER 4  
THE BLUFF OF TREES

It is the early 1980s, and I am moving into my late thirties. Spring seeding is almost completed. The weatherman is predicting a Colorado low bringing a two or three day soaker. My brother-in-law and I are both working at completing the crop seeding before the wet weather hits tomorrow. As the day wears on both of us realize a long day and night is ahead of us if the job is to be completed. At about 6:00 p.m. suppertime, my CB (citizen band radio) crackles to life.

"Big Brother, you there?"

"Sure thing, Paper Tiger."

"If you're really thinking we can finish this before the rain hits tomorrow mid-morning, I'm all for it. I can help keep things on the move all night. You in for it?"

I knew this meant that the two of us would run the equipment all night for a twenty-four hour run. My response over the crackle of the CB is "Okay, let's go for it."

The night is long and tiring as the seed drill, seed and fertilizer supply equipment moves across the dark escarpment from field to field, the smaller fields the last to be seeded. All night, each forecaster predicts heavy rain beginning earlier and earlier towards daybreak. As we wearily work into the final last acres, it is nearing five a.m. To complete the job, we need to move all equipment home before the rain begins.

Finally, the last trip from the field is under way. The eastern sky is in a full blaze of bright red, pink and orange announcing the impending storm on our doorstep. I am exhausted, but tired as I am I can't help keying the CB mike one more time, "Paper Tiger you there."

"Yeah I'm here, not for long."

"Just want to let you know I'm stopping for a few moments to admire the sunrise, see you later this afternoon in the rain." I place the mike back on the radio, pull the pickup truck to the side of the road and walk to a nearby bluff of trees that overlook an adjacent field.

I sit, my back against a large tree. Facing east, I fold my hands in my lap, marveling at the breath-taking sunrise and feeling satisfied the crop is in the ground. I take three deep relaxing breaths, filled with contentment and satisfaction.

Suddenly, in a tumbling-like motion I find myself soaring upwards, as if I might be on the rebound of a bungee cord jump. I'm aware of reaching the upper-branch limits of the large tree and in a wave-like motion, I'm conscious of floating out across a silvery, almost transparent canopy of the bluff's tree tops.

During the awareness of the wave-like floating there is no sense of fear, but a sense of deep connection. I am merged into an absolute unity with the silvery canopy, resulting in a deep loving feeling of harmony, complete acceptance, an acceptance that does not fit into words of description.

How long this lasts I really don't know. I gasp a deep breath, finding myself once again sitting at the base of the tree. I pause in bewildered shock, leaning forward with a throaty cry of _aahhhhhh,_ until my face is finally caught by the ground. I sit up with tears in my eyes, shaking my head, with cupped hands over my mouth in shock, shakiness emerging in my next quick few breaths. I am at the moment completely unable to grasp what has just unfolded.

I wearily walk back to the truck, turn, view the bluff once again, accepting the experience, but unable to grasp the depth of what seems to have happened. Yet, deep down I know in that moment, the Essence of my being is the same Essence of whatever tree is. I drive home, journal my experience to find some release, then collapse into bed, an hour before my young family awakens to their world for another day.

Another Tree Revelation

The last of the seed has been sown; now to watch the early seeded fields for weed growth. I am in a wheat field with my brother in-law, walking the field, checking for weed growth.

"We could wait a few days on these weeds, maybe catch some weeds emerging after that last rain," I observe.

"Well, it's dry enough for travel now, may not be tomorrow evening, let's get at it this afternoon," is his response. The two of us leave the field to prepare for the start of the spraying season.

After lunch, I am taking over the spray job for my brother in-law so he could have a late lunch. The two of us swap positions as operators at the end of the field.

I know well the practice that applies in driving a straight line before the invention of the GPS. It is similar to throwing a rock on the curling ice. You find your point, the skip's broom at the far end of the ice. You hold your sightline on the broom and follow through with your arm to drive the rock onto the broom.

I move the equipment forward, and do a quick visual check on the seventeen-metre sprayer boom. All looks good. I do a quick adjustment on distance from the previous sprayer tracks and I'm off down the field. Only thing left is to make that visual choice at the far end of the field, that hypothetical skipper's broom point.

Eight minutes later I reach the opposite end of the field. I do a quick check over my shoulder, pleased my half-mile track is straight and true, with very few overlaps or misses. I swing the equipment around, repeating the previous action, seeking out that proverbial broomstick.

That distant drive point marker on the escarpment is usually in relation to a tree, shrub or utility pole at the far end of the field. I am very familiar with this focused line-of-site practice, as well using my peripheral vision to steer clear of obstacles at the far end of the boom.

I am also aware of an interesting previous observation: in my peripheral vision any living trees or shrubs always have a transparent outline above or around the tree. As I settle into the next eight-minute drive down the field, the far trees in my peripheral vision appear with their transparent, aura-like outline.

Then it happens. It is as if a light switch has snapped on in a dark room. I make the connection. The transparent outline I have become so familiar with in the spraying activities is the same silvery transparent image I had floated on, just weeks ago with the bluff of trees. I drive the next two hours in awe, smiling every time a tree or shrub appears in my peripheral vision with the aura outline.

Reflection on the Tree Aura Story

I had been so exhausted after the seeding, my mind was completely open and receptive. Unconsciously, I had entered the energy field in which my perception of tree exists. It appears there is an energy field related to the unfolding or creation of the physical reality that includes trees. In the case of the tree's aura, there is usually no colour.

What is the difference in the aura between the human being and tree? Tree does not appear to carry forward the dramatic response of feelings and emotions, the yin and yang at play in the self-aware human being. Tree exists in the natural world as it unfolds or is created. The tree tries its utmost to unfold as intended, often struggles but does not generally develop the energy aura colour imprints of the self-aware, egocentric choice-making of the human being. Tree is that which does not judge, does not place upon its surroundings that which humanity is so ready to lay out on their fellow human beings and the natural world.

In a matter of a few moments, I was moved into the aura connection with that very neutral, totally accepting energy which unfolds as our natural world reality. This single experience has left me with a permanent imprint of love and deep respect for that Essence of the natural world.

Many years after the tree bluff experience, I shared this story with an aboriginal teacher at Calling Lakes Centre, in Fort Qu'Appelle, Saskatchewan. The aboriginal teacher responded by saying that the story was somewhat similar to the experience of many young aboriginals who go on a vision quest. The vision quest usually unfolds after the individual becomes exhausted, completely spent of energy and their guard has been lowered, leaving them open to the spirit of the natural world.

I thank the teacher for pointing out the story's similarity between this human being and the spirit/energy of the natural world.

In later years I have grown more accustomed to hearing the mystical stories of others and recognize the difficulty some have with accepting and sharing these stories.

One of the early, very personal stories was that of my own father. It was late 1979, only months before my father passed away from cancer.

My brother and I had been discussing a mystical book that we were both reading and how this related to our own experiences and practices. My brother stopped by to visit our ailing father and mentioned the discussion he and I had been involved in. Our tired father listened intently to my brother's story. Then, in a weak and failing voice he broke into tears and told his very personal story he had kept hidden for 25 years.

He had driven his tillage equipment to a field of rented escarpment land before daybreak. He circled the small field and made a strikeout across one of the knolls, lights on the equipment providing the necessary light. At the crest of the knoll, the first beams of morning sun had just peeked over the distant horizon, that first flash of breaking dawn on the hilltop. Time appeared to stand still.

Between sobs, Father shared the story of his encounter. He could only express the experience as something Holy, something that he could only perceive as God's presence.

The encounter had left him with awareness as to the role of humanity's emergence into the evolving/unfolding of creation's natural world. People were to bring with them the ability to function within and beyond the boundaries of the natural world, with respect and honour for all they encounter.

His story continued with how he had been so profoundly affected by the experience that he had been afraid to share it with his beloved wife, his children or anyone else. His fear was based on his idea that others might ridicule him, put down the holiness of his experience, thus decreasing his feeling of self worth. So he hid his story until he had nothing to lose.

In my later years, I have found this type of mystical story to be more accepted in some circles. My father's experience is similar in many ways to a story by Bruce Sanguin in _If Darwin Prayed – Prayers for Evolutionary Mystics_.

" _Almost twenty years ago, on a silent retreat, I had a profound experience in which I understood myself to be the presence of the universe in human form. The dualistic separation between myself and the universe collapsed. I wasn't here as a visitor to a strange and alien pre-existing cosmos, I was its native expression."_ 8

8 If Darwin Prayed – _Prayers for Evolutionary Mystics_ , Copyright 2010 Bruce Sanguin, Vancouver, BC., Prologue page xxi

CHAPTER 5  
MIND CONTROL – ENTERING THE PSYCHIC FIELD

It is late 1970s, my wife, three little sons and I are traveling into Winnipeg; it is my weekend off the farm. The farm is big enough that it requires several family members to operate, but it also meant most weekends someone could have a weekend off work. My in-laws live in the city and are looking forward to the family's visit. As well, the weekend will serve as a city shopping trip.

The Garden City mall in Winnipeg is one of my wife's favorite places for shopping and there is also a Coles bookstore. I enjoy checking through all the latest books available on meditation and spiritual awareness. This is when I come across the _The Silva Mind Control Method_ 9 (SMCM). Shortly afterwards I hear a radio interview discussing an upcoming weekend retreat with SMCM in the city. I attend the weekend retreat, and this is the beginning of a six-year journey.

I attend many weekend retreats associated with the SMCM, enhancing my ability to recognize and consciously function at the alpha and theta brain wave cycles during my meditation practices. During this period I also subscribe to the SMCM newsletter; these provide many tweaks and insights for my meditation. As well, I work with a local SMCM group in the city, and become familiar with many aspects and ventures coming out of the Mind Control community practices. These include many unique aspects of extra sensory perception and remote viewing. My participation and the outcome of some of these practices and activities have a significant impact on me.

I participate in monthly Mind Control group meetings. These are formed around a small group of about fifteen people, held in a member's home. The meetings have various topics discussed openly in relation to everyone's personal practices of meditation and the Silva Mind Control practices. The meetings always end with what is called a prayer circle for wellness. In this prayer circle each individual has an opportunity to step into the centre to receive a blessing of light energy for wellness, healing and harmony for themselves or an acquaintance who has requested a prayer.

These prayer circles are where I begin observing a connection between my emerging imagery during the prayer and the recipient for the prayer. One participant in the meetings is an East Indian gentleman. Whenever he enters the prayer circle centre as the recipient of the prayer, I get an image of an East Indian man struggling to get around a corner of a large stone building, the wind, dust and sand blow, flapping his sherwani (a long East Indian traditional jacket). This same scene of struggle emerges over several different meetings, whenever he enters the prayer circle. In the image, he never makes it around the corner. Eventually this gentleman stops attending the meetings. I ask the meeting's host if he has heard from him. His response: the East Indian man was a Brahmin, belonging to the priestly caste in the Hindu faith. He is attending university and worked as a student. His intention is to evaluate Canada; if favorable he would move his family here. He had difficulties, struggling to do manual labour at the university, so he returned to India. I could see a connection to my imagery from previous meetings with the insurmountable struggle to get through his manual labour difficulties.

In another prayer meeting, a requested prayer is put forward for someone's friend. An image appears that is troubling. I have never had an image emerge that is completely gray. I flood the image with light for healing and harmony on the closure of the prayer. Later I decide to check my concern with the individual requesting the pray for the friend. I am told this elderly woman lost her lifetime partner several months ago. She is in a deep state of depression and is now on medication and receiving counseling.

In another ending prayer request for a friend: I receive an image of a young woman with flowing red hair. She is wearing a long silky pale green flowing gown. She is dancing, twirling, so carefree, appearing so joyful. Then an image appears immediately behind her, as if it is virtually unobserved by her; the heels of those dancing shoes are at the edge of a black abyss. I feel a sense of panic, a stab of fear for the beautiful dancer. I quickly flood the image with a light for healing and harmony as the prayer closes.

On the closure of the meeting, I approach the individual requesting the prayer for her friend and I share my image and concern. She confirms her friend is indeed a young strikingly beautiful red haired woman who has encountered difficulties in her life's spirit adventures and activities. Her friends are trying to encourage her to step away from her current activity, go for help, counseling, to stay better grounded. But she will not consider it, assuring her friends she has no problems and can handle her life, even though she is beginning to have difficulties in maintaining daily functions and activities.

By this time I am becoming quite familiar with my perceived imagery. Some of the group members are tagging me as psychic and encouraging me to follow this as a practice. This does not interest me. There is something deep inside that I can sense, something that tells me "there is more to the image connections than you have seen," but I can't grasp the intuitive "more to this than what you have seen." This discourages me from further attending any of the group meetings.

The SMCM retreats spoke often of a concept used during meditation, related to mental imagery. They called it "mirror of the mind." Having read numerous meditation books I recognize the similarities to the "third eye" concept of seeing visions. To practice this mirror of the mind, small groups of three people worked together. One would serve as the mirror of the mind meditator, another serves as the recorder and the third a reader, who would provide a name and address of an unknown individual to the meditator. The three individuals of the triad would rotate positions providing a new unknown name for each meditator.

As the meditator, each individual had his/her own unique approach to using the mirror of the mind concept. My method for moving into preparation for mental visualization began with a deep breathing exercise and relaxing of upper body and limbs. I would visualize taking three slow easy steps down that led into a lovely, comfortable room. In the room, I visualize approaching a large mirror and standing silently before it, totally relaxed, without expectations. With my eyes closed, this would take maybe five minutes. I nod and the reader provides the information for the unknown person.

I wait until an image appears in the mirror and then report the image, scanning the mirror image for any unique characteristics or problems that appear. In this altered state of consciousness, viewing of a mirror image is done without any personal interest, attachment or judgment, simply an observation. The writer records anything that I as the meditator would verbalize. Interestingly, while I am serving as the meditator, the writer often requests me to speak up, for my voice during these sessions is often almost inaudible. The writer often would have to move within half a metre from my face. Although the meditator would not always give what could be perceived as correct answers, the SMCM encourages the reviewing group not to reflect any negativity in their response, for in this altered state of consciousness the perceived boundaries between past, present and future don't exist.

After numerous workshops of practicing mirror of the mind, I begin to see an ever-increasing accuracy in serving as the mirror of the mind meditator. One case is when I saw a mirror image of a stocky, dark haired man. I sense something wrong with his right leg from thigh to his foot and similarly his left leg from the knee down to his foot. I enlarge the vision of the legs, noting the appearance of bone, and muscle areas similar to what one might expect to see in healthy leg structure. Yet, there still remains that sense that something is wrong with the leg image. Before ending the session, as always in this work, I visualize the mirror image flooded with a healing white light, bringing peace and harmony to the image.

Upon opening my eyes after completion, the reader has a big smile on her face: her stocky, dark hair, Italian brother-in-law has a bad poison ivy rash on his right leg from thigh to foot and similarly his left leg from knee to foot.

After doing many of these mirror of the mind sessions, I accumulated many images that could be related to the reader as accurate. And I begin to be chosen to fill in for those who feel uncomfortable about entering that deep meditative state required for this work.

In one of the later mirror sessions I entered my usual room with the mirror. The reader gives me a name and address from Vancouver, BC. A young man appears in the image. Suddenly I feel the mirror-imaged young man is struggling for his breath, his lips are blue, and I verbalized the image to the writer. I take a deep breath to retain my centered presence with the image, flooding the image with the white healing light and sensing that the young man is alright, and able to breathe.

But, the scene has changed: the young man is now in a room, in bed, a curtain on the left hand side and a man is sitting beside him on a chair. It appears to be a hospital setting. I look closer at the young man. He has a dark object on his throat. Looking more closely, I see it is a trachea tube, enabling him to breathe. I flood the image once again with healing white light, bringing peace and harmony to the hospital image, releasing the mirror image.

The reader knew nothing of what had appeared in the image. The young man is her boyfriend who is out west in Vancouver finishing up his last university year, before returning to Winnipeg. Their plan is to get married on his return.

One month later, I am attending another SMCM meeting with a guest speaker. The speaker has just started and a few late arrivals are drifting in quietly. I sit several seats into the row near the side door. The door opens and a young woman steps in; I recognize her from the last session of mirror of the mind work. She motions with her hand. I get up and move to follow her out the side door as silently as possible.

In the hallway, the young woman raises her hands in an explanatory fashion, her eyes and mouth are full of pent-up expression. It appears as if she has just gasped for a breath, and is ready to exhale. "GUESS WHAT?" she exclaims. This is followed with her unraveling a story of how her soon-to-be mother-in-law had phoned her, just two days ago.

As she listened to her, she was told the very same story that had appeared a month earlier in our mirror of the mind session. Her boyfriend is in the hospital, after his best friend had found him virtually unable to breathe and called an ambulance; medics had inserted a trachea tube to keep him breathing on the way to the hospital. His friend is staying with him until the danger has subsided. The woman and I returned for the balance of the meeting, talking further during coffee and a lunch break.

I am deeply disturbed by this validation. I can accept the many sessions with some missed visions, unverifiable visions, some accurate as to the present or past. Perhaps these are linked to reading or connecting to the mind of others, who are taking part in the session. Maybe this is some kind of subconscious interconnectedness, perhaps synchronicity related to cosmic consciousness. But now, I have to accept the unfolding of our time is different than what is generally accepted. I have difficulties accepting the limitless boundary message appearing in this experience. But, I have to accept the unfolding of our time is different than what is generally accepted

I'm in my late 30s and am glad I have a farm that requires lots of hard work, concentration, physical exercise and a wife and children to love and share life with. All this helps to keep me grounded in the here and now of the physical reality. I have too much to live for, to experience in this time of now.

It takes a month before I share this experience with trusted others. This is the last SMCM meeting I ever attend; I separate myself from all SMCM activities.

In early 1980s my younger brother, the earlier meditative compatriot has left the farm and moved out to Nelson, British Columbia. He has a forty-acre plot of land on the side of a mountain. The two of us still communicate regarding our mystical journeys.

I discuss with my brother my movement away from the Silva Mind Control Method, I have difficulties trying to explain the reasons for my discomfort with the mirror of the mind and remote viewing. My younger brother is debating the perspective from the point that perhaps it is just my own take on what is perceived in the imagery. Perhaps the remote viewing is only in the mind of the individual, not reality. I respond that I sensed that I had crossed that thin line where something just doesn't fit into our everyday perception of our physical reality. My younger brother asks for an example.

I pause a few moments, centering myself, I take a few deep breaths and begin my response from an image that is emerging in my third eye, my mirror of the mind, a remote vision.

I verbalize the image that emerges. "Okay, you have a road coming from the west, adjacent to a lake on the right hand side. To get to your yard you turn left, near a neighbor's house and yard, and you head to the northeast on a steep incline. Eventually you pull a hairpin corner and loop back to the northwest. At this sharp hairpin, loop back corner, to the left on the inside there is a large boulder, big enough to park at least two pickup trucks on top and to the southwest of the big boulder is a smaller rock, bathtub in size. Your road continues to the northwest on a steep slope until it nears your yard, where it pulls north right near a shed. And your house is to the right or east side of the shed."

My younger brother gives a long pause over the phone, and finally his response comes, "How the hell did you know that?" The conversation changes abruptly and more pointedly as to how the human consciousness has the ability to function beyond our usual recognized daily perspectives of our time and space physical reality.

Near the mid 1980s, I assist my younger brother's move from the Nelson, BC, mountain-side acreage. This provides me the opportunity to see the access road I had described several years earlier. It is uncanny to see the road exactly as I had seen it in the remote vision.

Reflection on Entering the Psychic Field

I have been open to a wide spectrum of mystery, mystery that functions beyond our daily life's accepted roles and activities. We for the most part miss the signposts, truths around the mystery, focusing only on our busyness with the physical surface effects of our separateness from that which we truly are. My awareness of how interconnected our visible/invisible realities are continues to emerge.

9 _The Silva Mind Control Method_ , Jose Silva and Philip Miele, Pocket Books, 1977

CHAPTER 6  
THE BIG GREEN DOOR

It is after the turn of the century, about 2003, and I continue serving as a conservationist and research field manager.

I still seek many answers in my spiritual journey. I know others have written, _"If you knock, the door will be opened."_ 10 So, I have settled into a twenty to thirty minute meditative prayer for yet another session of seeking an answer.

These sessions are a meditative practice that I had established four years previous. Three times a week I sit in my sunroom rocker, enter the very familiar meditative state of being still, present in the moment, letting go of all my daily concerns and activities.

I visualize an "L" shaped hallway, walk down the short distance along the foot of the L, make a right turn and slowly walk the long stem of the L hallway to a large green beautifully carved wooden door. I knock three times with the door's large brass doorknocker, then sit down on a hallway chair by the door and wait. I wait in complete silence with no anticipation, simply knowing I have made a request, and now sit in silence with no expectations but to be present at the door in a state of peaceful receptive silence.

This session begins no differently than the hundreds before – until the midway point down the long hallway.

Suddenly, a flash and I feel like I have been blown across the hallway, instantly snatched from my peaceful state of approaching the big green door.

Shocked, I regain my sunroom presence, focusing on the outside door. Perhaps a gust of wind has popped the door open, but no, it appears securely closed. I glance at the ceiling fan; it too appears secure and... no blades missing.

I reach for my thick journal in the small table by my rocker and begin unraveling my morning's prayer session in writing. After a page of writing, I lower my pen, having recorded the session's outcome. I once again sit in silence, with pen and paper in hand, and in the passing of a few moments, I sense the emergence of an image.

The sensed image of a huge _W_ appears and is printed so in my journal, followed with an... _H_... and a... _Y_ , creating the word, as if shouted, " _WHY_." Following the large triple line _WHY_...., other words emerge. _Why did you put the door there?_

I lower my pen and paper, and sit in virtual disbelief, not wanting to accept such writing. After a few moments of deep breathing and silence, I once again accept my experience, and must as before, simply take ownership of it. I pick up pen and journal from my lap and started writing intuitively.

The writing continues for nearly two pages, including struggling with questions as to WHY. Much of the writing is connected to my tradition in Christianity, seeking wisdom from the translated words of others and my acceptance of being unacceptable before the Holy. At the end of the second page I sign off with a quick double swiping loop as I have done for numerous past years of journaling. I set the pen and journal aside, accepting not to read my writing for at least the passing of several days.

I have lived on the lip

of insanity, wanting to know reasons,

knocking on a door. It opens.

_I've been knocking from the inside!_ 11

\- The Essential Rumi – Coleman Barks

The Big Green Door Reflections

Reflecting on this story more than ten years later, I see my underlying Christian view creeping in. It's the perception of me being unacceptable, falling short of what Christ and God might require of me at that time in my life. I was unable to see that which I am and each one of us is, a unique life journey of Spirit's presence in the physical world reality, as truthful in this moment of time as any time from the past.

10 Matthew 7: 7-8 Holy Bible, NKJV

11 _The Essential Rumi_ – New Expanded Edition, Coleman Barks, HarperCollins Publishing 2oo4, page 281.

CHAPTER 7  
FEELING THE SPIRIT NUDGING IN SACRED DISCOVERIES

It is 2008. I have been working in soil and water conservation for twenty-two years. The last ten years have been associated with field research work in evaluating the conservation (beneficial) management practices as to agriculture's water quality and quantity impacts. In the past ten years I feel a constant nudging to move into some sort of a deeper relationship with the world around me. I search for the meaning of what this might be.

I seek out various options. Some suggestions come from my local United Church of Canada. One of the ministers suggests a program in Fort Qu'Appelle, Saskatchewan, at the Calling Lakes Centre, previously known as the Prairie Christian Training Centre. The suggested program, "Sacred Discoveries," is intended to encourage and support the participants in the discovery of their own gifts and spirit within. I eventually choose to sign up for the five weekend retreats to be held over a two-year period of 2009 – 2010. I am about to find the emergence of new depth to my spiritual journey.

The Sacred Discoveries program has three facilitators (identified as facilitators 1, 2, and 3), each with their own unique contribution and reflective way of presenting their session. There are 13 classmates that attend the five weekend retreats.

One of the sessions on the second weekend retreat is set up to encourage and enable each individual to make up a personal short story. Facilitator 2 opens the session with a short story. The story is very earthy, connected to movement within nature, the natural world. It is a reflection of an aboriginal story.

In the middle of the circular group is a small, low table with a centre piece, reflective of the facilitator's story. It even has a wise old turtle sitting on a small collection of beach rocks at the very centre. There is also a stick on the table, referred to as the talking stick. If someone wants to speak or share their story, then he or she needs to approach the table and pick up the stick. The class is given a half-hour to create a short story in their journals. I am one of the three classmates to share a story.

I walk to the table, pick up the talking stick. Returning to my chair, I provide a short story of a little rock that has rolled around the small creek from shore to shore for years, not sure how or where it fits into the world around itself. I get up from my chair, setting the stick on my chair, and approach the centre table, picking up a small rock and begin playing out the characters of my story. I hold the small rock in the open palm of my hand and kneel at the table, in front of the old wise turtle.

The rock says, "Old wise turtle will you help me? I have been rolling around the creek for what seems to be forever and I still don't see where or how I fit into this world."

I then place the rock on the table's edge and circle the table, approaching behind the old wise turtle.

The old wise turtle replies, "Oh, little rock, oh, little rock, you are who you are supposed to be. You provide stability to the creek shoreline, serving as a resting place for water creatures, their eggs and young. You are a part of creation just as I am, so just be who you are."

I return the small rock and talking stick to the table and join the circle once again. Facilitator 1 waits for others to approach the table for the talking stick. They wait.

"We have twenty minutes before lunch break; does anyone wish to share their story?" No one steps forward. I feel an intuitive nudge from within, a nudge telling me to share my life's real story behind the rock and turtle story. But I have never shared this story with a group, only with a few chosen people. Again, I feel a nudge, only this time words appear to say, "This time is for you." I pause,... then with some apprehension ask the facilitator, "If no one is going to share a story, could I share what is behind this little story, of trying to find one's place in the world?" The facilitator replies, "We'd love to hear your story but only if you want to share it."

I pause for a moment or two; uneasiness passes over me like a shadow, into my mind, then drifts down through my body. I take a few deep breaths to centre myself. My neck, shoulders and arms begin to relax and I prepare to enter my story.

I provide a short lead into the story (see chapter 4, "The Bluff of Trees") in which I had worked a twenty-four hour shift. When the crop seeding was completed, I sat under a nearby tree and unknowingly entered the tree's aura field.

During the sharing of the story, I stop several times, to take a deep breath to release the emotions before continuing. At the end of the story, with tears in my eyes and a waver in my voice I ask my classmates, "How does one put into words, an experience that is the most deeply felt feeling of absolute love, absolute and total acceptance of one's being, and one's presence with creation?"

The group remains in complete silence; a few wipe tears from their eyes. Finally Facilitator 1 spoke softly, thanking me for sharing my deeply moving story and the group breaks for lunch.

As the group thins out, making its way to the dining room, a few others and I remain for a moment or two. One of my classmates approaches me, still wiping her tears, saying.

"I can't believe you shared that story. I had an experience more than twenty-five years ago and have only shared it once with a dear friend."

It is obvious she is quite emotional just mentioning that she had an experience of some sort.

"How were you able to share your story?" she asks.

I reply, "It isn't easy to share a personal experience that has impacted one so deeply; be it some form of abuse or an unknown spiritual connection."

She wipes her eyes once more and responds, "Can I tell you about my experience?"

"Yes, if that is what you want to do."

She replies, "It scared me so badly in my late teens that I am still afraid even today to speak about it. I don't understand it; I fear others may think I am crazy."

With this, she begins telling of walking home from high school and encountering a bright light and a presence that was so over-powering, it seemed like she was frozen to the road. She pauses, sobbing, wiping more tears. She continues with her journey-home story, saying she had eventually released the fear enough to run, the light and presence staying with her until she was near home.

When she completes her story, I reach my hand over to her shoulder and thank her for having the courage to share her story. She continues, sharing her thoughts on her fears and her inability to share her experience. Then she thanks me for my patience and willingness to hear her story and gives me a short, quick hug.

We walk to the dining room, quietly mulling over the difficulties in sharing deep emotional experiences. We pick up our smorgasbord dinners; others have already finished their meal.

It is the fall, 2009, the third of five weekend retreats for the Sacred Discoveries classes. I am sitting with my classmates at the end of the day, having an evening cup of tea. Everyone begins heading for their rooms as the night is moving on. I have left my journal in the classroom, so return to pick it up for my evening's journaling.

As I enter the classroom, the facilitators are busy setting up three tables with a display for the next day. They all look up when I enter the room, as if they were parents filling the stockings at Christmas time and had got caught by their child. They are laying out a large display of crystals and various rocks.

I pause for a second, and then ask if I could look over the displayed items. Facilitator 3 replied yes, but would rather I did not handle any of the crystals. She asks if I ever had much to do with crystals or rocks as some might call them. My response is I'd read a bit on them but never had any actual experience with them.

As I circled the three tables, a few caught my attention. On the third table I see it, a beautiful crystal of greenish white color. It captures my attention for several mesmerizing moments. The facilitators start covering the tables, commenting, "You'll see these again in a session tomorrow morning." I thank them and head off to my room.

The next morning I rise at 6:00 a.m., climb the hill on the east side of the Calling Lakes Centre property to meditate with nature during the early morning sunrise. As I settle into the morning stillness, off to the east I keep hearing a struggling puff, grunt/moan and splash.

After five minutes of this I glance over to the east neighbor's property, not wanting to be nosy. In the early dawn of morning, I can make out the image of a deer struggling to get out of their swimming pool. I quickly run down the hill and up the neighbor's driveway to the yard, knock several times on the door but no one is home. In the next twenty minutes I knock on several doors, finally finding someone at home. This individual knows the family with the pool and they are away for several weeks. She also knows their daughter and calls her. She and her husband come over immediately to help attempt the deer rescue.

The young couple, the neighbor and myself manage to pull the antlered mule deer from the swimming pool. The deer has likely been struggling most of the night, for when on solid ground he has to rest before getting up to leave the property. I return to the centre for breakfast and share my rescue story.

_Mule deer floating with the pool cover  
(All deer photos by D. Montbriand)_

After breakfast, the class is introduced to the concept of energy work with crystals. The class moves into silence for the next hour, during which they view the display of crystals. When they find one that has attracted them, they choose somewhere inside or out doors to sit in silence with the chosen crystal. If there are any feelings, sensations or interactions related to the crystal, they record it in their journal. Before leaving the room they show the facilitator which crystal has been chosen. A specific crystal reference or information sheet will be left on their chair when they return.

The class moves in to select a crystal. I hang back, being conscious of my advantage in seeing them the previous night. I know intuitively, if there is to be a meaningful experience with the crystal I was attracted to last night, it should remain on the table for me. I follow my class slowly circling the first table, then the second table as they choose their crystals. Finally at the third table, halfway around, I spot the hand-sized crystal that had attracted me the night before; it still remained on the table. I pick it up, identify it with the facilitator and leave the building.

Outdoors I quickly survey the yard for a quiet place to settle, but feel an intuitive nudge and immediately I'm drawn to return to the deer in the neighboring yard, if it is still there. I enter the yard site, the deer jumps up and runs a short distance; I follow. The deer backs its rump into an evergreen to protect his rear, lowering his head and shaking his antlers, ready to defend itself against the perceived assailant. I cautiously move closer within thirty feet; the deer continues warning with his head-shaking, antler-waving.

I have an intuition that moves me down on one knee, holding the crystal to my chest. I feel a deep moving compassion for the deer's near-death struggle in the pool. I position myself with a large tree stump behind me, just in case I need something between the deer and myself.

In a few moments the thought from within returns, I lay down flat on my back, close my eyes, the crystal on my chest and start taking deep relaxing breaths. Soon, I feel that familiar centering stillness move over my body. I visualize pulling white energy from outside my body. With a deep breath, I blend it with the beautiful green crystal. I then exhale the visualized breath vigorously towards the deer, knowing with those big ears, it will hear the slow deep breathing. I don't know if this will help, but it feels right to send wellness to the exhausted deer in this manner.

After fifteen minutes or so, I hear hoof movements, rouse from my deep breathing, and turn my head slowly to see if retreat is in order. But to my surprise, the deer turns in his position twice, folds his long legs up and lies down, similar to what a dog does before sleeping.

I feel a deep emotion from within and a tear runs down my cheek as I realize the deer accepts my presence as no different or offensive than the squirrel and birds chattering and chirping in the nearby trees. I can feel and sense the harmony, the ONENESS of my being's presence in creation, assuring me once again that in silence there is no separation between the visible and invisible, physical and spiritual reality.

In another five minutes I get up from the ground to leave. In doing so, I turn, saying, "Be well deer, be well." The deer shakes his antlers once again reminding me to stay away. At the same moment, the good neighbor who had helped in the early morning rescue appears with her camera, once again to check on the deer. She takes a picture of me sitting by the stump and the worried deer in the background. I return to my classroom.

_Mule deer and I, after having sent him wellness in a healing meditation._

Upon returning, I wipe the crystal off as recommended and place it on the table. I return to my chair, picking up the crystal information sheet. I read it briefly in awe and disbelief and quickly leave the classroom.

Outside, I read the sheet, feeling very emotional once again. Green Fuchsite was the crystal I had encountered the previous night, and chosen from the table after my classmates made their choices. It seemed to give me a strong nudge, causing me to return to the exhausted deer. This crystal is often referred to as the Healer's Stone; it is used in heart and solar plexus healing practices, and is known to enhance one's ability to connect with the spirit of the natural world.12

Outside, I discuss my experience with Facilitator 1 for ten minutes and then return to the class. Later, Facilitator 1 gives me a book to read by Jennifer Elam, _Dancing with God Through the Storm: Mysticism and Mental Illness_. The following quote from Elam's book has proven to be a valuable statement in much of my spiritual journey.

" _As we open energy flows in; God energy, Spirit energy, Creator energy, creative energy. We develop a sense that we are on a path or journey. We also gain a sense of living simultaneously, our feet in two realms. While we move through a physical world, we simultaneously flourish in a spiritual world, a world that goes beyond flesh and blood, earth and water. When God energy flows in, the wall that usually separates the physical and spiritual comes down._ 13

On the fifth and last weekend retreat, the class is carrying out a closing ceremony. Part of the ceremony is to release some of the creative mandala discs of potter's clay, which had been made on each of the previous four retreats. A mandala is usually in a circular design with a spiritual symbols on it.

Each person chooses three mandalas that remain in the non-baked, simple clay form. These are hung in trees around the facility grounds to dissolve, returning to the ground from which they had come. The cotton thread used for hanging them will be used by birds as nesting material. After hanging all the unbaked mandalas, the class will meet at the lake. The baked ones are to have a different ending.

While gathering at the lake for this ceremony, one of my classmates approaches me. "Could I have a word in private with you?"

"Sure," I reply, and we step aside from the group.

"I want to thank you for sharing your tree experience on our second weekend retreat last year; it meant a lot to me," she discloses.

I respond, "The tree experience has left me with a significant imprint; one I'll carry the rest of my life."

"I can see why," she replies. She continues with her story of how she spent much of her young life until mid-teens on a reservation and in close contact with the natural world. She explains how, in those early years, whenever she had difficulties, she could walk into the nearby forest and find a deep peacefulness, a balanced feeling of well being.

She continues, "I could relate to this connection because of my aboriginal heritage."

Her story leads me further; how in her late teens she moved to a larger community, becoming separated from and eventually abandoning her natural world connection.

She continues, "Now, after thirty years, hearing your emotional connection with the spirit of trees; I could feel the truth in your story and realize this is also my connection to spirit. Now my husband asks me how come I have brought back my heritage. I told him, I have always had it, but just left it behind and now it feels right returning to who I truly am."

She gives me a gentle hug, thanking me again for providing her an opportunity to see her forgotten connection with the natural world.

I am in a state of wonder at what has unfolded; when all I had done last year was listen to the intuitive nudge and find the courage to share a spiritual gift from my life experience. As we walk side by side in silence to join the gathering group at the lake, I felt a resonance with this woman who has always carried the same deep value for the creator's presence in the natural world as I have.

The class and facilitators gather in a circle at the lakefront. Facilitator 2 shares a story about a very wise old man. Everyone loved and respected the wise one; in appreciation they were constantly giving him small gifts. But these people were nomads, on the move, following the animal herds on their annual migrations. In this constant moving process, the old man eventually lost all the gifts. To address this problem he came up with the idea of keeping them all at the one location where he would always know where they were. He chose the one common campsite where they spent part of their summer, the lakefront campsite.

The old man's never-fail plan was to take his most valuable gifts, walk to the water's edge by the large rock and throw them into the lake. There he knew they would stay safe; he would always know where they were, one arm's throw from the large rock at the edge of the lake.

With this, the facilitator produced a basket with all the baked clay mandalas; He offers one to a classmate saying "... (name).., you are a gift to this world, go in peace." And, likewise she in turn passes out another mandala, giving the same blessing. I am given a similar gift and blessing, and the process is continued.

Finally the basket is empty and Facilitator 2 asks if everyone has received a gift and blessing. The only one left out is Facilitator 1. She said, "It is alright as I am the teacher and don't need one."

I feel my heart sink. If anyone is going to be blessed with a gift and such a blessing as "You are a gift to this world, go in peace," it should be her. I feel an emerging nudge, an urge to cross the circle and give her my mandala. As I step out into the circle towards Facilitator 1, she comments, "I won't accept your gift, as this is for you." I proceed to cross the circle.

Without missing a step in my slow pace across the circle. I feel the clay pottery mandala in my hand. I cup my one hand, centering the disc over it, bring the other hand into a prayer-like position, covering the disc and place the heel of the covering hand on the center of the disc. I begin adding downward pressure from my covering hand on the center of the disc, more and more pressure, until I feel a silent snap. I am only two paces in front of Facilitator 1; I raise my hands, still in the prayerful form.

She confirms again, "I will not take your gift."

I reply, "You are truly a gift to the world, go in peace," and I open my covering hand to expose the broken, two pieces of the mandala.

She pauses for a moment and sighs, "It's broken." In her pause I recall one of her stories of last year in which she had said, "It didn't really matter if you were broken." My response followed, that it didn't really matter to be broken. Facilitator 1 shakes her head and reaches out to receive the gift, thanking me for sharing my gift.

The group disassembles in silence, each reverently walking to the water's edge, casting their gift into the still lake, knowing the gift would always be in its sacred spot. The group walks back to the facilities, all giving a final goodbye and a hug before heading for their vehicles. I leave Facilitator 1's goodbye to the last.

I reach out to shake hands with her; instead we give each other a warm gentle hug. I thank Facilitator 1 for her encouragement and solace in my deep emotional times over the five weekend retreats. They all had meant so much to me. She thanks me for being in the class, responding that my impact in stories and actions provided uniqueness to this class. I am taken somewhat aback with the comment.

I respond, "I don't do things to impact people; anything I do is because I feel the movement within and move on that intuitive nudge."

She looks squarely into my eyes and pauses, commenting, "You don't see it... do you?"

I reply, "I don't see what?"

She pauses again, shaking her head..., "Please promise me, that anytime you feel whatever it is that you call that intuitive feeling, spirit or a nudge, that you will think it through once or twice, but do not hesitate to move with whatever you feel needs to be said or done."

"I promise, I promise to do so," is my closing comment and we part, each going our own way. I leave for the six-and-a-half-hour drive back to my hometown.

Sacred Discoveries Reflections

These five weekend retreats have widened the awareness of my connectedness and receptiveness to the intuitive nudges, and the extent of this connection to my fellow human beings and the natural world.

Some may see this as being open to a synchronicity with cosmic energy or consciousness, spirit, guardians or angels. Some may relate my experience as being connected to some form of pantheism. It matters not how we name this inner connectedness. I am also becoming more and more aware of the value that comes about through sharing our stories and encouraging others to accept their own experiential journey as difficult as this may be.

12 <http://www.healing-crystals-for-you.com/fuchsite.html>

13 Dancing with God Through the Storm: Mysticism and Mental Illness, Way Opens Press, 2002, page 52.

CHAPTER 8  
ENERGY WORK EXPERIENCE

It is 2009. Spring snowmelt is almost finished on the South Tobacco Creek project's watershed. My assistant and I are preparing to install a bundle of multi-level sample lines in one of the project's small dam holding ponds. The intent is to take a water sample every two weeks from the pond at various water depths, in the same pond position, and do this all from the shore line. The water samples will help to further confirm the processes in this small pond that are reducing the inflow versus outflow of sediment, nitrogen and phosphorus loading.

We are using a small flat-bottom boat to install the water lines. I will have to reach over the stern of the boat and slowly lower a 45 kg anchor and intake lines to the bottom of the five-meter pond. My assistant sits well up on the bow of the boat. We both wear life jackets in the hope that in the process I do not sink the stern below the waterline.

We are in position and I begin to lower the anchor and multi-intake lines. I can feel my back complaining as I reach out as far as possible to clear the lines from the back of the boat. In short order, the lines are in place but shortly after returning to shore I realize my lower back did not appreciate the strenuous effort of lifting the anchor and lines at full arm's length.

I am familiar with back pain, for my fieldwork is often quite strenuous. I have attended physiotherapy and chiropractic workers a number of times, but with minimal benefit. Usually a few weeks of taking care not to reinjure my back, and using my own deep focused mediation with healing light to relax and heal the back muscles will give a return to free movement once again.

I have often wondered about alternative methods in healing with energy and chakra workers. Several weeks earlier, a friend introduced me to such a practitioner and I still have the phone number. Maybe this current back injury would be a good time to give this healing method a try?

My association with researchers for the past ten years comes in to haunt me. If I am going to see this energy worker, I would like to do it in an undercover way to compare her work with my own deep meditative healing with light imagery. I book an appointment the next day to get my energy and chakra levels checked, without mentioning my current back problems.

I finish work that day with a painful back, and go for my first appointment. The healer explains her process of energy and chakra work. She asks me to lie down on the worktable, while she gets a crystal pendulum. I wait until her back is turned, so as not to show any hint of my discomfort in movement. She moves the pendulum around the outer edge of my body, pausing on both sides of my body just above the hip bones.

"You have almost no energy movement on both sides of your body; your navel chakra or solar plexus energy is completely blocked. Have you had back injuries? I don't usually see both sides with blocked energy unless you have back problems."

My response is, "Yes I have had back problems at times, but no major accidents or such."

She continues the energy work. When this is completed she suggests that I book another appointment in a week or ten days. I couldn't work out an appointment so I ask if I might come back in four days. She comments that it is a bit soon in relation to the current treatment, but if this fits my schedule then she can work it into the schedule time.

On the second appointment with the practitioner, I leave work a bit early to follow my own planned pre-appointment half-hour relaxation, harmony and energy balancing meditation. I am familiar with this process and use it regularly. I have also used it in assisting with class meditations (see below). After my use of this mediation, I am always aware of my state of being centered, balanced, and relaxed.

Ten minutes after my home meditation, I am on the practitioner's worktable. She runs the pendulum around the outer edge of my body, covering the same path as the previous visit. She repeats it several more times commenting, "That is interesting. You have energy movement. It has improved, much better than four days ago when it was completely blocked." She completes the work and I book another appointment for one week's time.

On my third appointment, I follow the same pre-appointment home meditation. She runs the pendulum around the outer edge of my body, covering the same path as the previous visits. She repeats it several more times, commenting, "This is really unusual to have your energy flowing freely and stable. Your first appointment only ten days earlier showed it was completely blocked. I don't see this too often."

I sit up and say, "I have to tell you something. This is the first time I have ever come to an energy practitioner and you have been under a bit of a test. I give you credit for picking up on my back problems from the previous week's work injury. The past two sessions, I have used my own visualization meditation practice before coming to you. And you also picked up the changes. I am truly impressed with your work."

She listens to me, then asks if I would share some of my experience over a cup of green tea and of course I agree.

I shared my longtime spiritual journey in meditation and my own form of wellness meditation. We spend the next hour sharing energy movement experience and stories.

She also shares an overview of her art and bronze work; she's a very creative individual. I leave, thanking her for sharing her stories of personal interest in energy work, and acceptance of my validation of her work. She comments on it being an unusual few sessions and is pleased that I am willing to share it.

I encounter another energy worker on my second residency in the Prairie Jubilee Program. Several of my classmates operate a healing practice. A classmate has a lot of abdominal pain. One of the energy practitioners offers her service to help alleviate some of the pain. The ailing classmate accepts the offer. The practitioner asks if she could bring in a second healer with training and some practice. She also asks for permission to bring some balance into the all-female healing service. The balance she is looking for is some male energy. The classmate is agreeable, and the energy practitioner approaches me.

"I have been in class with you, heard you speak of your spiritual journey and meditation. Have you ever done energy work on another person?"

"No, I haven't," is my response.

"I am sure you have the ability to do energy work if you choose to do so. Would you like to take part in our session? Your classmate is in favour of your participation." The four of us proceed under the practitioner's guidance.

I follow as instructed. I will provide enhancement to energy movement by holding both feet of the classmate as she lies on the makeshift table. I had to remove my shoes and make sure to shuffle my feet, ensuring the energy is moving freely throughout my body.

I position myself at the feet of my classmate and close my eyes, taking three slow deep relaxing breaths. I hold her two feet and follow my intuition to bring my hands firmly up her feet from the heel to the toes, three times, firmly but gently.

I hold both feet and begin shuffling my feet. The practitioner and assistant begin moving their hands in a wave like manner, following the outer boundary of the classmate. Within minutes the recipient comments that the soles of her feet are getting warmer and warmer. The practitioner checks to be sure I am shuffling my feet, and I am. In a few moments, the classmate adds that her feet are past the warm stage and are getting really hot but not unbearable. With this, the practitioner requests that I let go of her feet and instructs me to move over to the outer edge of her body without contacting her. "Just sense the free flowing movement of her energy field," she says.

I follow the instructions, up the right-hand side of her body, over the head and down the left side, same path as the others had followed. I get to an area just below the left ribcage when I intuitively sense something. I pause and look up at the practitioner; she catches my puzzled expression and pause. She motions for me to continue and I do so. In another ten to fifteen minutes the session is over.

It troubles me as to what I had sensed as I moved down the left side of my classmate. But the opportunity to review this with the practitioner never came up. I felt this was a bit of a shortfall in the experience.

Energy Work Reflection

I have not returned to any other form of energy work or energy practitioner, although I know there is validity to some of their energy work. I still maintain my own personal meditation and imagery wellness activities.

Small Group Meditation – Body Relaxation, Stillness & Harmony
Introduction

This is a meditation I often use; it has lots of imagery.

Sitting or lying down, you visualize a glowing light from above, full of peace, love and harmony.

Visualize your body and light as we move through the different stages. I'll pause (...) for a moment for your own visualization experience.

We'll be consciously breathing the glowing, harmonizing light a number of times, bringing stillness and well-being to our bodies.

You will be in complete control of your body at all times. You can mentally step back for a break from the meditation if you feel the need to do so.

Beginning

Get yourself comfortable, shift in your chair, feet flat on the floor or whatever body position feels comfortable, hands comfortable in your lap or on your thighs and eyes closed.

Take a deep breath, hold... (pause) ... and relax as you exhale,... 2nd deep breath hold... and exhale feeling your body relax, letting go, feeling that familiar relaxation ... Again take a 3rd deep breath, hold... and exhale feel more **relaxed** , **safe** and at **peace** in our small circle.

Now visualize a speck of light way up in the vicinity of the star.

Visually bring this glowing, warm light closer and closer to earth... now mentally focus it over our community... and now focus it over our small circle gathered here.

Now visualize our room with a glowing translucent, warm, loving and peaceful light from above it... sense it,... feel its soothing, loving, gentle presence.

1st Conscious Deep Breath

Take a Conscious Deep Breath of this peaceful, loving light; (pause) ... As it enters your nasal passage sense a warm glow of soothing light moving through the head cavities.

Be aware of your nasal passages becoming clear and able to accept this pure clean light.

2nd Conscious Deep Breath

Take a 2nd Conscious Deep Breath of light; let the glowing light move and reflect throughout the whole inside of your head.

Mentally visualize this light moving effortlessly at a cellular level in and through the brain area... Visualize the brains nerve fibers as a neural forest, letting this translucent white light brighten the neural forest... bringing harmony and a state of well being...

If you sense uneasiness anywhere, don't focus on it, simply let go and exhale any negativity on your next breath, allowing the glowing light to bring a natural state of harmony, as you feel more deeply, deeply relaxed and at peace with each breath of light.

3rd Conscious Deep Breath

Take a 3rd Conscious Deep Breath of the soothing, healing light; follow it as it moves down into the lungs, creating a healthy lung state. Mentally visualize what color you imagine healthy lungs to be... Sense the slow expansion and contraction of your lungs... Feel the ease of your breathing as you inhale... and... exhale, feeling more and more relaxed with the stillness within you...

Now visualize the warm, harmonizing light moving at the cellular level out from the lungs into the heart and other upper body organs... again, feeling, sensing a state of well-being and harmony....

Again, if you sense uneasiness anywhere, don't focus on it, simply let go and exhale it on your next breath; allow the glowing light to flood the area with a natural state of harmony and well-being, as you feel more deeply relaxed and at peace with each breath of light.

4th Conscious Deep Breath

Take a 4th Conscious Deep Breath of the soothing, relaxing light; visualize the light flowing through all the areas previously brought to a natural state of harmony... feel it and sense its presence.

Move the relaxing sensation from your chest out into your back and shoulders; sense these large muscles relaxing, becoming a state of harmony, wellness and stillness to match that within the chest area...

Now bring that glowing light down the arms; feel those upper arm muscles relax, letting go... now move the healing light into the wrist and hands, and visualize the many bone joints... tendons and muscles of the wrist and hands ... visualizing a natural state of well being.

Again, if you sense uneasiness anywhere, don't focus on it, simply let go and exhale it on your next breath. Allow the glowing light to flood the area to bring a natural state of harmony, as you feel more deeply... deeply relaxed and at peace with each breath of warm soothing light.

5th Conscious Deep Breath

Take a 5th Conscious Deep Breath of the soothing, healing light... moving it down through the chest area into the lower abdomen, torso area ...

Let the glowing, loving light flood this area at a cellular level bringing a state of harmony and well-being to all your internal lower organs.

Mentally visualize all the lower abdominal organs as they develop a natural harmony, matching all the upper body sensations...

Again, if you sense uneasiness anywhere, don't focus on it, simply let go and exhale it on your next breath; allow the glowing light to flood the area to bring a natural state of harmony, as you feel more deeply... deeply relaxed and at peace with each breath of warm soothing light.

6th Conscious Deep Breath

Take a 6th Conscious Deep Breath of glowing light and move it down the head, chest, lower body and into the legs ... feel those large muscles relax... letting go and carrying that warm state of well being down further to the feet ... visualize the many bone joints... tendons and muscles of the ankles and feet... visualize and sense a natural state of harmony and well-being for your feet.

Again, if you sense uneasiness anywhere, don't focus on it, simply let go and exhale it on your next breath; allow the glowing light to bring a natural state of harmony, as you feel more deeply... deeply relaxed and at peace with each breath of warm soothing light.

7th Conscious Deep Breath

Take a 7th Conscious Deep Breath of light, feeling even more deeply... deeply relaxed... recognize the natural state of your total body relaxation and well-being.

Become aware of the sensations that are moving and waving through your physical body as it sits at peace with those present in our circle.

Become deeply aware of the stillness, peacefulness of body and mind ... of simply letting go... sense the openness to the very spirit of oneness here and now... be aware of your presence as a self-aware being ...

Ending of session

I will begin a countdown from 3 to 1, to help you return to our circle. But before I do, remember that this relaxed state is natural; you can return any time you want, feeling better and better in every way.

(1) I'll ring the bowl three times.

(2) You'll return to our group with several deep breaths, gradual movements and stretches.

(3) Open your eyes and feel wide-awake and refreshed.

CHAPTER 9  
CHALLENGING PERCEIVED LIMITS

This story relates to my journey and the journeys of others I have encountered. The focus of this story is on those who work within the traditional role of Christian ministry. The individual ministers in these reflective stories will be noted as simply Minister 1, Minister 2, etc. The intent is to protect the identity of a specific minister, while conveying the story of what I have encountered.

I found it interesting to see the interaction of the Christian perspective from the different ministers, as they stretched and searched within and beyond their own perceived boundaries in the conveyance of Christian faith and the reality expressed within the unfolding story.

One of the earliest stories I have is a retreat facilitated by three ministers, which involved Minister 1, an individual well-known to my family and myself. The retreat covered a wide number of related topics: various approaches to the underlying energy in all matter, positive effects of meditation, and various methods of meditation, one of which is a facilitated meditation using a biblical passage. (See "Meditation with the Bread and Fish Parable," chapter 2.)

I attend another weekend retreat that includes Minister 1. This weekend retreat is focused on the use of meditation and imagery. There is a guest speaker from the United States, who had been in a serious vehicle accident. He has back injuries and has been in a wheelchair and on heavy pain medication for several years, until he learned to combine meditation and imagery.

His image is a fully clad white knight on a white horse. The knight seeks out and destroys any dark blobs of pain with his sword. He meditates five times a day, with a half hour per session. This meditative pain control and healing method enables him to tour North America, sharing his story on the power of meditative imagery. The balance of the weekend is focused on various methods involving energy work.

Interaction with Minister 2 relates to the period of my life when I begin to awaken to psychic phenomenon, through Silva Mind Control, in particular mental imagery and auras (see chapter 5). In one of my late evening discussions with Minister 2, he asks me if I could provide some validation to this perception I am experiencing with auras.

In a few deep relaxing breaths, I find my place of centeredness and provide the minister with a description of his aura colour, and the varying width of the aura as he changes from negative to positive thoughts. The minister is quite interested and confirms the connection of the state of his mind with the reported aura field changes.

Again, Minister 2 challenges me with, "What can you tell me about my mother?"

I take several deep centering breaths and wait, without anticipation, for several moments until an image appears. "I see a very short woman sitting, hunched over in a chair. I sense she does not appear well or is under much discomfort and stress. She has a dark navy dress with white polka-dots." This is all I could see in the image in these few moments.

The minister shakes his head, a sad expression moving across his face. He responds, "My mother lived a very difficult life of poverty when I was a child. She spent most of her life in a wheelchair and was often dealing with depression. Her common posture was to sit hunched over in her wheelchair." He wipes a few tears from his sad face. "She had one good dress, and it was dark navy with white polka-dots," he adds.

The only response that came to me at that moment was, "I'm sorry your mother had such a difficult time in her life."

Later on, we discuss how the evening had been experienced for both of us, agreeing there is so much that humanity does not understand or even has the willingness to accept. The evening is never discussed again, except that Minister 2 did tell me at a later date that he made an appointment to see the woman who had facilitated the weekend retreat on auras.

The Minister 3 story is about a minister with whom I had a number of related discussions on the mystical side of my journey. In one of the discussions, my awareness of auras came to the surface. Minister 3 asks, "Have you ever seen my aura?"

My reply is, "Yes, it is always present around you during your Sunday services."

The minister shows an interest about the colour, movement and what I perceived in the aura vision. The minister asks, "Could you let me know if you see any changes that stand out from the usual perception?"

I agreed and over the next year, I quietly bring forward any observed change in the minister's aura. The last time I identified a change, the minister asks me if I would read the book in her hand.

"It was given to me by my professor, who told me I would encounter people like you in my ministry," Minister 3 says. Then, she asks me if we could meet outside the church to discuss my familiarity with various topics in the book. Of course I agree, and read _Mother Wit_ , _A Guide to Healing and Psychic Development_ by Diane Mariechild.

We meet in the park, and spend several hours discussing the book's contents over ice cream. By the end of the discussion, it is quite evident that I am familiar with much of the book's contents. This is the last time the topic is brought forward. It appears that Minister 3 is satisfied with what and who is within this congregation. I find it interesting that the book discussion is held outside the church facility at the minister's request.

Minister 4 is on a journey all his own and makes no effort to conceal the interest that moves beyond the local traditional activities and functions within the church. This minister is aware of my lifelong spiritual journey, and encourages me to seek other spiritual alternatives to the local faith tradition. Some of these alternatives include Sacred Discoveries (see chapter 7), a Buddhist retreat weekend, a Mindful Meditation course, and the Prairie Jubilee Program (a later story in chapter 11).

I have assisted Minister 4 with a series of alternative prayer and meditation sessions, and I also created and led some of them. One of these is the Body Relaxation, Stillness & Harmony with Light (at the end of chapter 8).

After presenting this thirty-to-forty minute facilitated meditation, I review the experience and have coffee with the people. Minister 4 gives me accolades on the meditation content and my ability to hold the nine attendees in the relaxed meditative state for the whole duration of the session. "You are a teacher," the minister states.

I feel the depth of that statement and felt a struggle within. In a moment or two I respond, "I am not a teacher."

"You are a teacher, you just demonstrated this."

"A teacher I am not, if anything I may be a messenger," is my only reply.

Creation Story in Spiral Form

One of the minister's very interesting facilitated sessions that I assisted in is the unfolding of the creation story. This is laid out in a spiral design, each noted point on the spiral having a rock and candle. The spiral centre begins with a single burning candle representing creation in Genesis, or the Big Bang, followed with added land and water.

From here, the spiral progresses with date estimates based on scientific evidence for the passage of time, beginning with earliest sea plant life and living organisms. This progresses through time from the earliest known human-like footprint of Lucy, through biblical characters and Christ, progressing into our current time.

The room is in darkness; I am in dark clothing, and light the unfolding of time candles from the Big Bang forward. With the final candle lit, those attending are given an opportunity to move back through time to experience the journey. I offer to escort anyone who might like assistance on the journey.

Interestingly, only one person chooses to trace the journey back and that is with assistance, and even this individual requests a stop due to uneasiness two circles from the Big Bang. All other participants choose not to enter the spiral, but to light a candle near the entrance to give thanks for the emergence of their life experience.

_The Spiral Walk of Creation_

The session is completed with an open floor discussion of various thoughts and comments. Following the last participant's comment, I contribute my experience. I had sensed and felt connected to the earliest point, right from the Big Bang. The most notable feeling is when the note point is read and I light the candle for the emergence of early humanity. This sensation became stronger and stronger as I progressively light candle after candle into the current time.

My closing comment comes from an intuitive image entering my mind as I speak, the image of a bird's egg. I share this and how I now felt like I had experienced the struggles into life, as might a hatching bird, beginning with the process of breaking the shell from the inside out, to emerge into physical time, a life experience.

Spiral Walk Reflection

There appears to be a natural flow, a struggle, yet a natural simplicity to the emergence of the self-aware life experience. An intuitive, deep underlying feeling tells me that a self-aware life-experiencing state will ultimately unfold through evolving creation. It would have emerged with or without the presence of our human race. Other life is waiting in the wings of time to enter this state, this experience of the self-aware being.

Minister 4 and I have numerous discussions focused on spiritual interconnectedness. I always find myself struggling to put into words the depth to which I have become aware of humanity's acceptance of separateness from the Spirit or Divine.

One of my attempts in putting these feelings into words is in the image of a wavering line, dividing the physical/visible from the spiritual/invisible planes of reality. The minister expresses concern about how close I walk to this line that borders on what some would suggest is insanity. My reply is, "I am aware of the closeness to this line. I am also consciously aware that there are times when I walk with one foot over this line."

This Minister 4 often provides books on mystics and mysticism, hoping that these might help me express my inner feelings. The minister just can't grasp the problem I have with expressing my depth of awareness, of the interconnectedness or Oneness of Spirit.

I am in the minister's office in relation to an upcoming meeting. The minister asks me to grab a chair for a moment while he completes and sends an email. In the few moments that follow, I intuitively see an image emerge. The image is of someone adjacent to the minister, giving the minister a difficult time in a very unkind manner. I recognize the individual and hear the words spoken. I feel the depth of the unkind words and the minister's reaction to them. It troubles me deeply.

I am quite familiar with images like this and they are a problem for me. This is why I speak of a spiritual depth that cannot be put into words, for it relates to the privacy of an individual's life experience.

Some may relate this deep interconnectedness or Oneness, as to some concept related to cosmic consciousness and synchronicity; others may move in the direction of clairvoyance or channeling. But over the years I have seen this as a deeper connection in the Oneness of spirit, of the energy, the essence of our physical reality.

Several months later I am in the minister's office again, and a discussion comes up with my problems with the depth of Oneness in spiritual connection. Finally I give in, telling the minister I am going to share something that will show why I find it so difficult to express the extent of spirit's interconnectedness. "What I tell you will likely be upsetting for you. But this is the only way I can see to get my message across to you." And with this I begin my story.

"I was in your office several months ago and saw an image of someone giving you heck, and being completely disrespectful."

The minister responds, "Well, that's nothing new, I catch heck from lots of so-called good people."

I respond, "Do you want me to tell you who this was?"

"Yes," is the response.

I give the name of the imaged person and the minister's facial expression changes.

"And when did you see this?"

"About two months ago."

The minister's facial expression becomes even more serious. With a long hesitation, he says, "Yes, this individual was in here and gave me a hard time about two months ago."

I continue, "Do you want me to tell you what was said to you?"

"Okay, tell me," he replied with some hesitation.

I follow with the message I heard, the message that upset me so much.

The minister appeared to freeze on hearing the words.... A few moments pass in silence, then he responds uneasily, "You can't do this. This is my private, personal life. You can't do this to me."

I sit in complete silence, letting the minister storm over the border that has been crossed. I silently question myself; maybe I should not have gone this far. In another few moments, the minister shakes his head back and forth, a shocked facial expression.

I responded, "I'm sorry for crossing boundaries, but I could not see any other way to give you the affirmation you were looking for."

"But you can't do that."

I respond with frustration in my voice, "I don't do anything. This is where I have ended up after forty years, and I now have become aware of the depth, the doorways through which the Oneness of Spirit connection has taken me. I don't do anything, it just appears and now I have to learn to just deal with this connection that brings my conscious awareness beyond the personal boundaries we perceive as individuals. This perception of separateness that we all perceive does not exist. It only exists in our ego-centered separateness from the Oneness of Spirit of which we are."

The conversation ends shortly. We part company, both obviously shaken with the perceived borders that had been crossed.

The outcome of that day is never brought forward again but much later in private, the minister and I encounter each other. The minister comments, "I apologize for any mistakes I have made, and I hope you are able to work your way through this journey, wherever it ultimately leads you. You are a good and just individual."

I reply, "I too apologize for crossing privacy borders, for going too far. I also want to thank you for all the help and encouragement you have given me over the years. You have a real gift in your ability to work with people; I hope you can continue sharing this gift." And we parted company with a mutually friendly hug.

CHAPTER 10  
MEDITATIVE PRAYER VIGIL

It is June 2010. I have been feeling down. My local church community has succumbed to yet another human frailty of infighting. This time it includes all staff and the official board, and has dragged on for much too long. Much of the congregation, board, committees and staff are devastated. All are struggling and many are finding it difficult to negotiate a path to move forward.

In the past thirty years, I have served on various church boards and committees. A previous situation that brought the community's human frailties to the surface caused me to step aside from attending and serving the religious organization. Eventually I return to the community, but refuse to become involved in any committees relating to religious tradition and facility operations. I am only involved in a spiritual sense, in my relationship with God's presence in the community, not the day-to-day routine functions and operations of the religious organization.

My faith comes from my experiential relationship with Spirit/Divine presence in self, loved ones, friends, community, and beyond, and last but not least of all, the natural world. When my community struggles, I feel the hurt and struggles but do not feel the isolation from the Holy, the Essence of the world around me.

The phone rings in the late evening. I answer. The voice on the other end replies, "This is the chair of the church board speaking. ... As you are well aware the church community is really struggling; many have been deeply impacted. Many have asked if there isn't something that can be done to ease in some way the fractures within the community. We don't have any staff, and church leaders don't feel they are in a position that is neutral enough to work beyond the underlying divisions and struggles. I have tried to think of someone who might be able to bring together in some way a brief gathering in the form of a community prayer service. Would you be willing to take this challenge on?"

My first response is, "Why me, is there not someone else more suitable, more capable than I?"

"Well, I don't have anyone that comes to mind. And, I feel it should be someone that is known to the congregation, someone who has been more on the outside of the current situation of things, not caught up in the inner struggles and squabbling. I think you have the spiritual depth and ability to carry out some sort of short prayerful gathering."

I am caught off guard. I have never taken on such a task before, at least not without someone like a minister who might have ideas or some experience in doing such related activities..... I have no idea how to approach the request. But I could feel a nudge from my intuitive side. I am familiar with this growing, emerging presence. It tugs at my heart. I feel for my suffering community, leaders and staff; they are for the most part all good people. Although I have no idea how or what to do with such a request, I know what my reply has to be, "Yes, I suppose I could do something. What time frame do you have in mind?"

"Well, we should make both an announcement and place it in the bulletin for this Sunday (in three days) and maybe hold the gathering Monday or Tuesday this coming week. Can you work with this?"

"I'll certainly do my best," is the only response I can give.

I hang up the phone and turn to my wife to explain what has just unfolded. I really have no idea how to approach the challenge. My wife responds, "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, something will come up, one way or another." I also believe this as well, but there is always room for doubt. When retiring for the evening, I say a short prayer that I may stay open to any messages or insights that might emerge during the night. The following day went by with no notable concepts appearing about approaching the challenge.

The second night, I settled in with the same prayer in mind, just letting go of all personal thoughts of concern on the topic, vowing to be open to possibilities and opportunities that might emerge during the night. I have a good sleep again,... until 3:45 a.m. when I'm stirred with a dream image on the edge of my mind. As I roll over, the image becomes more visible. It's an image of people placing sticky notes on a wall, notes of their concerns for loved ones. In two minutes I am out of bed. I move to the dark sunroom, flip the switch for the overhead lamp and, journal in hand, begin writing and sketching out the unfolding concept for my simple prayer vigil.

• The announcement would be made and a notice put in the bulletin: a prayer vigil will be held on Monday evening at 8:00 p.m. in the church. Everyone is invited to bring a short prayer, biblical passage or any other message from the heart or write one on arrival, no names attached please. The prayers will be read one at a time and posted on the community bulletin board.

• The narthex area will be used for the event, pre-gathering (7:30 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.). Native wood flute music by Mohawk artist David Miracle will provide a background for quiet time gathering. The setting will include a circle of chairs, a central table laid out with a peaceful setting of green plant life, Christ candle, a small cross, and a circle of small candles to be lit from the central Christ candle by individuals as they present their prayer notes.

• Prayer notepaper will be available Sunday after church, and at the pre-gathering and during the prayer session. Please do not sign the prayer notes.

• The narthex bulletin board will be cleared and made ready for posting the prayers of the community.

• Opening for the evening prayer vigil will be a short centering, stillness meditation focusing on the breath, setting aside the day's busy times and worries. When we find that holy stillness, we can begin to forgive and be accepted just the way we are.

• Before presenting their prayer(s), each individual will light a small candle from the burning Christ candle. (If prayer presenter is not able to read their prayer, they may request the facilitator or assistant to read on their behalf, and have the option to request their prayer not be posted.)

• After the prayer is read, the presenters will return to their seat, the group will observe one minute of silence with the presented prayer, until the prayer bowl is rung calling for another prayer.

• The community prayers will remain posted for several weeks to reflect the heart-felt messages and prayers of the community, giving hope that the community, and the ministerial team can and will move forward.

• Closing will be the paraphrased version of The Lord's Prayer.

The prayer vigil is well attended; chairs added as the community attendance surpasses my expectations. I am pleased with the evening's attendance and people's acceptance. They are pleased with being able to gather together in solidarity to give prayers for the well being of their community. When all is cleaned up and lights are turned out, I pause at the doorway and say a quiet prayer of thanks for my willing assistant and Spirit's ever-presence emerging in my life experience.

CHAPTER 11  
PRAIRIE JUBILEE PROGRAM JOURNEY

It is fall, 2010. I have been working in soil and water conservation and research for twenty-four years. In October, I reach that life-changing age number that always seemed to be off in the future, the one I always figured would be the retirement year. It is time for me to take my feet off the treadmill of employment, after being on call 24/7 for the sake of research data collection.

This past ten years, I have had an intuitive nudge that seems to encourage me to move into a deeper relationship with the world. Searching for the meaning of what this might be has brought forward a number of different possibilities: remote theology courses through a number of universities or colleges (but the light only grew dimmer); energy work/healing courses (the light was brighter but seemed foggy or incomplete).

One spiritual course that attracted me three years previously comes back into view; perhaps this is the lens that provides the best light. I review this in discussions with the program coordinator and a number of previous graduates, and finally fill in the application questionnaire. The Prairie Jubilee Program14 becomes my new challenge in life.

The two-year Prairie Jubilee Program (PJP) begins a week after I officially retire. Although I provide the replacement research field manager with some assistance over several months, my main focus is on the PJP.

It is a big change for me, going from mostly outdoor work in measuring, monitoring and sampling in the natural world (data collection and tabulation), to reading the various self-searching spiritual books, and to writing papers.

In the beginning, the PJP course is a real challenge.

The first year's program is held at St. Benedict's Monastery, north of Winnipeg, Manitoba, beside the Red River. The facility's chapel has a beautiful, high-arched ceiling of hardwood; the grounds adjacent to the Red River are beautifully cared for with a large labyrinth and a tree bluff nature trail. The PJP course classmates consist of twenty students; two of these are individuals who are attending as a course refresher and serve as assistants to the three facilitators or mentors.

The program begins with a reflective approach as to how we as individuals relate to the world around us. The functioning methods of personality are presented in an Enneagram format similar to that of Riso and Hudson in _The Wisdom of The Enneagram_.15 We also use Elaine de Beauport's _The Three Faces of Mind_ 16 to explore how the different brain segments function in receiving information from the head, heart, and gut (intuitive).

The first-year program components consist of two one-week-long residencies, including a 24-hour period of silence each week, various assigned and supplementary readings, three theme papers, one integration paper, and a three-day silent retreat. We receive regular spiritual direction, and are responsible for organizing and facilitating a monthly home-based journey group for a six-month period. It is a busy fascinating year. I struggle with some concepts but relish every day.

On the opening day, the class members introduce themselves, explaining why they chose to attend and what they hoped to get from the program. My response to why I chose the PJP is a result of listening to an inner desire to move into a deeper relationship with the world around me, and this program appeared to have the brightest light.

My expectations are related to deepening my understanding of my own and humanity's perception of separateness from the Oneness of Spirit, God's ever-presence. In maintaining this separateness belief, a person continues separation from that which one truly is.

On the first residency, during an after-lunch contemplative walk, one of my classmates joined my walk. This individual shared her story of a difficult young life, how even now life's difficulties seemed to continue piling up, one after another. I listen with a concerned ear, feeling for the individual's many struggles. Two days later during the twenty-four hours of silence, I will encounter this individual again.

The twenty-four hours of silence, reading, contemplation and journaling begins in the evening and will continue until the following evening. After the silence-entering service in the beautiful chapel, the group is told to prepare for a walk and a campfire in silence. All are warned to dress well for it was -5° C.

The class and facilitators gather outside and move into the tree bluff's nature trail. It is late October and all the deciduous trees have dropped their leaves. The group enters the pathway in the encroaching darkness of the cold evening air, kicking and stomping the crunchy autumn leaves. The sound might resemble a small herd of bison moving briskly on the meandering trail.

After the first ten paces, I fall behind and the herd moves on beyond my silence. A deep feeling emerges from within; if I am to walk on Mother Earth while she is sleeping on a frosty moonlit night, I should at least walk silently.

I pause for a few moments, taking several deep, centering breaths, becoming aware of a feeling, a sense of peacefulness and harmony moving over me and the beautiful natural surroundings. After a few more slow paces, another feeling emerges. My physical presence, my breathing and passage through the cold, fresh air around me – even these are disturbances in this natural stillness. I pause again with deep slow breaths becoming even more centered and focused once again on my surroundings. I move forward a few paces with words emerging in my mind, "Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping."

I hear the leaves crunch beneath my feet; this too is no way to walk upon the bed of sleeping Mother Earth. The next step is even slower, lowering my foot until I sense a slight contact with Mother Earth, then... ever so gently applying weight until the other foot is free to move. And I continue what has now become my walking mantra, "Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping," with every footstep.

I continue the quiet, gentle walk on Mother Earth, and am lost in time for nearly an hour on the short pathway. Finally, emerging at the end of the pathway, I pause, disoriented as to where I am in the darkness. A comment in Charles Cummings, _The Mystery of the Ordinary_ relates well to my walk:

" _I realize I have not so much taken a walk as given myself to the walk and let the walk take me and transform me."_ 17

In a moment I reclaim my presence at St. Benedict's Centre, knowing that if the pathway had been thirty miles long, I likely would have continued my walk until daybreak. It seemed like I was communing with the Essence, the presence I felt in the peace and harmony of Mother Earth.

I briskly walk to my group gathered around the campfire. I roll out a large wood block and sit at the campfire in silence. The pathway mantra continues to weave through my mind, "Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping." I sit in the silence of the glowing, crackling fire, aware of one or two classmates leaving when the cold gets the best of them. Shortly after, another figure stands to leave. It is Facilitator 1. I sense from within the emergence of an intuitive message, _"Walk on Mother Earth with Facilitator 1."_ I pause a moment; remembering a message that had been given to me a year ago comes to mind.

"Please promise me, that anytime you feel whatever it is that you call that feeling, spirit or a nudge; that you will think it through once or twice, but do not hesitate to move with whatever you feel needs to be said or done."

I move to the edge of the campfire group beside Facilitator 1, and despite the day of silence, I lean over and whisper,

"Walk with me on Mother Earth."

As we begin the short walk, I put my arm across Facilitator 1's shoulders to slow the pace.

I whisper, "Slower, slower, walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping... slower, slower."

I sense her steps beside me; in the next few moments the steps slow to almost a pause. Each footstep has a slow gentleness before touching the ground. She puts both hands out in front and slightly to the side to keep her balance on feet that step ever so lightly on the bed of sleeping Mother Earth. She is walking as I had been for nearly an hour. We cover the next fifty paces and reach the pavement where the walk on Mother Earth ends.

We walk in silence to the monastery centre's front door and enter the facility. Facilitator 1 turns to me with a big smile, with thumb and index finger forms a circle, a hand sign I recognizes as "okay." At that moment I know she has experienced a walk with Mother Earth in the presence of the Essence of creation. This is the first time I have ever experienced this depth of Oneness in unison with another human being at my side.

I know then I will write this journey's mantra in a simple form and share it with her. I will do this with honour and respect for this individual's ability to walk in the world with Mother Earth. I sketch out a mantra draft in twenty minutes and fall soundly asleep.

The next morning I awake later than expected, and quickly write out a copy of the short mantra with a thank you for Facilitator 1, I go for my silent breakfast. On the way past her table, I place the folded poem under the table tray and continue to gather my breakfast in silence.

Last Night I Walked on Mother Earth

"Journey Mantra"

Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping.

Quietly breathe her frosty cool air, for Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, quietly for Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping.

Quietly disturb the air above, for Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, quietly for Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping.

Quietly crush the autumn leaves, for Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, quietly for Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, gently, Mother Earth is sleeping.

Quietly walk upon the grass, for Mother Earth is sleeping.

Walk quietly, quietly for Mother Earth is sleeping.

To: Facilitator 1, in appreciation of all those you help so very, very much.

Sincerely: Bill

Oct. 24, 2010: I sit alone in silence, eating my breakfast. I sense her reading my short, simple handwritten mantra poem. I feel a joyful emotion emerge from the evening before: how on listening to the small voice within, I am able to experience a unique connection, Oneness of Spirit with Mother Earth and Facilitator 1. I remove my glasses and wipe a tear of joy and appreciation from my eyes and cheek. I continue my breakfast, leave, have a shower, and am ready to face the physical world in continued silence.

Later during that day of silence, I sit in solitude, eating the last of my lunch in the cafeteria, soft music still playing. All my classmates and facilitators have left the room. My green tea is too hot to drink. I slowly, mindfully eat my fruit salad, savouring the various pieces of fruit, in complete silence, contemplating my most recent day of silence and journaling. I sense movement off to the side and turn my head. The classmate from the day before is approaching my table.

She stops near my table in silence, tears running down her cheeks and a tissue in hand. I feel her deep sadness and grief, and motion with my hand, offering the chair across my table. She sits down, puts both hands to her head and using her two index fingers makes a circling motion, signifying the mind's difficulties in being still in silence, and her inability to move out of her state of sadness.

After a few moments I finish my remaining fruit salad, place the small bowl to the side and pull my tea in front of myself, quietly contemplating what I might do to help her with the apparent aloneness of her difficulties. She remains in tears, shaking her head, showing her discontent with her state; we both remain in silence.

I feel a nudge in my heart and reach my one hand across the table with an open-palm invitation, just to be present with her in her difficulties of silence and aloneness. A line from Robert Sardello, _Silence – The Mystery of Wholeness_ comes to mind.

_When we hold another in the Silence of our heart, the division – the split between perceiving myself "here" and the other person "over there" – dissolves because we now perceive a unified field._ 18

She pauses a moment and gets up from the chair; I ponder if I could have done more, maybe broken my silence. I watch her still in her deep sadness; she walks to the counter, makes a hot cup of tea, adds a few drops of cool water and returns, sitting across the table as before.

I once again extend an open palm. She reaches out this time, squeezing my hand vigorously and weeps as silently as possible. I hold her hand, stroking the side of her thin trembling hand with my thumb. And we both proceed to sip our tea in complete silence, with direct eye-to-eye contact, eventually emptying our cups of tea.

She takes a long deep breath and tilts her head a bit, shaking her head and managing to produce a peaceful smile. She lets go of my hand and brings her hands together near her chin, and in a prayerful manner, bows her head in gratitude. For a moment we both sit there with our heads bowed. I too, am giving thanks for the Spirit's presence in the moment. We return the cups to the counter, still in silence, each going our own way.

I return to my room silently, I pick up my journal and begin to write. I question in silence if this is what true spiritual companioning is all about. I felt in my heart I had moved intuitively with the Spirit's presence and intention, simply being present with another during her struggle. There are moments when words are inappropriate; just being present in silence is the best help one can give.

It is the first week of March 2011 and it is the second Prairie Jubilee Program residency at St. Benedict's Monastery.

The class is midway through the weeklong residency and has entered the twenty-four hours of silence. This is a day to work on the previous two days of class material, reading and creating an art piece to reflect or express the spirit's presence and movement from within the heart and soul. After breakfast, I feel the need to get some fresh air. It has warmed up a bit overnight, only -20° C and no wind now.

I walk to my truck, put on an extra layer of clothes and my snow boots with the attached bear claws. I take precautions with the footwear, as I still wait for knee surgery.

As I walk behind the parked vehicles, the hard snow crunches with every step under my boots. I turn to begin my silent walk, taking the path down to the Red River. I catch a glimpse of another cold-weather walker, dressed in a bundle of heavy clothes.

I walk on alone for a short distance... then feel a nudge of recognition for the other walker. I pause, glancing back, and recognize the figure of a classmate even though she has a scarf wrapped over her face with only the eyes showing. I wait for her to catch up and watch as she draws near. I bend over slightly and lift the scarf, as if to say, "Is that you in there?" She laughs and I recognize the sparkly, dark eyes and laughter.

We continue the walk arm-in-arm in silence, as I try several times to synchronize my longer strides with the much shorter ones of my classmate. I finally achieve the shorter steps in harmony and we continue the walk to the riverbank in silence. Each step gives a unique crunch in the snow from the different boot type, size and weight; otherwise there is the dead-snow silence that can only be known by those who experience the crunch of snow walking in silence.

A feeling moves through me, a feeling of being at peace, totally centered in the moment, and yet so alone in the dead of winter's silence... except for a deep connectedness with the human being's presence at my side, moving in short synchronized steps. The feeling continues, carrying me all the way to the riverbank. I feel a child-like presence and step off the path into the knee-deep soft snow, lie down, and work my arms and legs creating an image of a large snow angel.

I pull myself up and motion for her to join in the childish play. I step to the path and she follows into the soft snow creating her own snow angel. She returns to the path, turning to see the images, but gives a surprising "aw" of disappointment, for she has wiped out part of my snow angel. We stand there in silence. Then our arms went across each other's shoulders in a snowsuit one-arm-hug, heads leaning together.

We both realize the image is not destroyed, but it appears the angels are together, as if holding each other. We stand there a few moments, taking in the mishap image, and then we turn, still in silence and walk back. She ends her walk, returning to the warmth of the facility, and I continue my walk for another half hour.

The rest of the day is put to good class work; I pull together an art piece, one I have wanted to express from a journal entry the previous month (see below). I take the completed art piece and set it on display with the other art pieces of my classmates. That evening I enter a few short paragraphs in my journal reflecting on my experience of the cold morning walk with my classmate.

Next day, I have some one-on-one time with my program mentor, Facilitator 1. I take my art piece, sharing what is in the image, and how I brought this out of journal entry from the previous month. At the time of the journal writing, I could not understand the image until I brought it out in the artwork.

Facilitator 1 is quite interested in the theme, asking me to interpret the image. She asks, "How and when did you experience this original image?"

I open my journal, leaf back to the original writing and share it.

She asks, "Do you have a date on that page?"

My reply is, "Yes, 2011-02-05, almost a month ago."

Pondering momentarily, she then shares the reason for the piqued interest. "I noticed your art piece several times in our classroom circle; I sat right in front of it and it kept catching my attention. Tomorrow I will be giving a facilitated meditation using a similar, but simplified creation image. I worked on my creation meditation last month; it had to be nearly the same day as your journal entry."

This is followed by a discussion on synchronicity, cosmic consciousness and field effects, and how these concepts can unfold into our reality intuitively, with spirit connectedness. Some of Adrian Smith's, _God, Energy and the Field_ concepts on field effects relate to this discussion.

_The fields produced by the nervous system of each individual person appear to be able to merge. Each is an aspect of the same field of consciousness._ 19

I present my journal entry that served as the seed for the art piece

Journal Entry and Art Piece

2011-02-05: This morning, about 6:15 a.m., I put some very quiet classical music on and meditate in the warm plant-filled sunroom. I move into that state of peace and harmony of God-energy presence. Gradually, over the hour, the horizon becomes brighter and brighter, as did my awareness of the Oneness of my physical perception with all that is perceived around and within this reality. I give thanks for this awareness.

During this state of harmony, a number of times a sideways, extended U or loop appears in my mental vision or third eye. I let go of this image but it reappears in a moment or two, time after time. I am not sure of the

shape of the loop? It is somewhat like (a). Yet more of a closed loop as in (b) or perhaps even a portion of my journal closure which I always use, as in (c).

In this loop, it is the looping back that I feel is important and significant.

I sensed the significance is an insight related to spiritual Oneness, the presence of that which underlies this physical realm _._ I pause for a moment until I feel intuitively moved to write:

The Oneness of the Infinite has no perceptive ability to sense or feel the interactions of a physical realm. When that which I am moves or emerges into a point of gross physical reality, I perceive the unfolding of the natural physical reality. I am that which unfolds in a natural process of being physical and functional as within your natural state of perceived time and space.

When your physical time and space unfold to a point, I then become aware of my emergence as a self-aware being, eventually reaching the point of that which you are, perceiving self to be separate from that which I am.

In this state, I am capable of my experience objective in awareness, arriving in the curvature of your loop where I can recognize that which I am, Oneness, the essence of that which is Infinite, while perceiving the perception of your reality as a self-aware, self-conscious, separate being from that which I am.

In this state, I experience all your play within your perceived negative and positive emotional interactions of a life experience as a physical separate, stand-alone being.

Only on the return of the loop do I reach that point of awareness to return to the truth that I am the Infinite Oneness and the perceived separate self-aware being. I am that which you are, as you are that which I am.

I thank you for the awareness of that which I am. I will live this experience in the perception of a self-aware being. Where this awareness moves this self-aware being, only the perception of time will provide the answer. I will move when that which I am becomes evident through the movement of the Spirit within.

Art Interpretation and Reflections

The white ribbon forming the loop represents the Divine energy. This energy slows, becomes gross, creating the multi-coloured dots of matter, becoming this physical reality. Multi-cells (check marks) appear in the natural world as plant and animal life, still in harmony with the Essence. In time these begin to progress into longer complicated strings.

Eventually, these become capable of self-awareness, perceiving themselves as separate from their true Essence, the Creator, becoming unlike the natural world. In doing so, these self-aware creatures (beings) can begin developing true awareness, looping back, "awakening to the journey home," developing awareness and the ability to see that which they truly are, an essence of that which is the Divine.

In writing this story at a later date for this book, I encounter an article that I feel has added some perspectives of similarity to this art piece. The article _Does Human Life Have a Purpose_? written by Rev. Bruce Sanguin suggests:

Humans are manifestations of this 13.7 billion-year-old transcendent impulse. Matter emerges out of Mystery, life emerges out of matter, and conscious self-awareness emerges out of life.

_As the natural fruit of this evolutionary process, the human being is fired with this same creative impulse. We are the interior dimension of this process awakening to itself, feeling itself and taking the next step into an unknown future."_ 20

The following evening, the class gathers in a circle. Each classmate presents his or her experience of the day of silence, and the art or craftwork that has emerged from the day. As my classmates randomly contribute their day's experience, my classmate from the morning's snowy walk speaks up. She reviews her artwork and then surprises me with her contribution and interpretation of the snowy morning's walk.

She begins describing the walk and snow angel creation, commenting on this most amazing human being she has shared the experience with. Then she drops a "he" into the short story and the class knows to whom her story is referring, as I am the only male in the class. She then apologizes, asking permission to use my name.

I respond, "The experience is yours as much as mine. Share if you so choose."

She tells how we made two snow angels, how she had mistakenly wiped out a portion of my angel, and what the outcome of this had on the angel image. I am surprised by the depth of her emotion as she spoke, not sure why one would respond in this manner to a walk such as had been shared.

Another classmate presents her experience and artwork. During this time, I am pondering the previous story. I wrestle with the idea that, if my classmate could share her take on her very personal walk experience, as surprising as her interpretation is to me, perhaps I should in turn, share my personal journal entry from my experience. Although I had previously never thought of sharing it, I decide to share my own interpretation of the walk experience.

I hold up my art piece (previous art loop mentioned above) explaining where the seeds of the art had come from and how I had worked out the image of the art.

Next I address the class: "I was not intending to share the wonderful fresh air walk, and I also feel deeply about the walk." I ask my classmate if I could share my own interpretation of the experience. She agrees, with some apprehension in her voice.

I open my journal and read my words. "In reflection on my snowy walk, it was an amazing experience. An experience of finding that Oneness of spirit connection, that energy level with another being, who in turn was simply willing to be present in that moment of time, sharing a common friendship, warmth, and sensing the spiritual presence which underlies the two beings on that frosty, cold, sunny day."

And I had closed this in my journal with a prayer, which I read. "Thanks for sharing the spirit within. I wish you peace, love, and may you let that Spirit, that Divine presence, emerge through that wonderful being of which you are."

In response to my shared journal entry, she stood, asking if she could come across the circle and give me a big hug. We meet in the middle, with a warm hug and thank each other for the unplanned story sharing and experience of a memorable walk on a cold snowy day. The women classmates all cheered and clapped; I return to my chair somewhat embarrassed by the attention, but felt well accepted as a classmate.

Reflection on silent walk

During this walk in silence and synchronized steps, as in several other walking experiences in these stories, there is often an affirmation of the spirit interconnectedness to others, as well as to the natural world.

This practice of walking in silence with synchronicity in movement appears to open doorways of the intuitive presence of spirit connection, opening to the Oneness that surpasses the face masks of separation we wear in our daily lives. It is as if we become open to the "Oneness" of spirit, ever present in the world around us.

This is a difficult observation to put into words. This is evident not only in the story just read, where you see the two snow-walking classmates with a different perspective and interpretation of the same walk; yet each story provides a picture of the depth of feelings and emotions that emerged during the walk. Similarly, you can also see various authors struggling to put into words their own experience and interpretation of this interconnectedness in the Oneness of Spirit, authors such as Robert Sardello in _Silence: The Mystery of Wholeness_ where he writes of the interconnectedness with others:

" _When two people are within this aura of living spirit, they can feel the holiness of the relationship. It is as if the relating is held within a holy vessel... as if the Silence of the universe is, for a little while, condensed and comes to rest right where the two people are together. We experience it as an inner bodily joy and absence of strain, and feel an immediate presence, a flow of subtle currents between our self and the other person... We feel as if we are being held by a tender, loving, invisible presence."_ 21

As well, the comments being addressed by Matthew Fox in _Original Blessing_ when he writes _:_

" _What each of these persons is pointing out is that we live in an illusion of separateness and ego differentiation, but in reality we are already united, already part of one another, especially where our depths and recesses lie. "In our joy and in our sorrow," as Eckhart puts it. "What happens there to another happens to me."_ 22

It is April, 2011, the second year for the Prairie Jubilee Program. During this second year's residency, I check the morning activities offered before breakfast. There is an early morning silent walk outside, a favorite practice of mine, a time to feel the presence of the natural world.

I go to the gathering point; it is a cool damp morning, still tacky on the shoes from heavy night dew or perhaps a light shower. The program assistant joins to lead the silent walk. We wait for others. No others show up. It is likely too damp for most classmates. So, the program assistant and I take the synchronized walk on our own, walking from the premises in silence. When we reach the extent of the walk and turn back, the assistant breaks silence and says,

"I just need to talk to you. I've never thanked you for that time you sat with me last year, and we shared a cup of tea in silence. I was such a wreck. You'll never know what that meant to me. Do you know what a soul mate is?"

I respond affirmatively, "Yes, I have a good idea."

She continues, "I have two soul mates in my life and I'd trust them with my life anytime and anyplace. When I returned to take this refresher course and to help out, I never dreamed I'd find another soul mate. You are my third soul mate, I hope you know what this means to me."

I pause in surprise... then respond, "I am deeply honoured to be considered your soul mate, my friend." And our walk returns to silence, taking us back to the facility, joining our classmates.

Reflection on walk

This short silent walk, with the interjection of, "You are my third soul mate," and how this conclusion came into being, again brings back the previous quoted observations by Robert Sardello and Matthew Fox. They try to interpret their own unique experience and wording of their encounters of the mystery, when that more-than-the-visible world is sensed. This sensing of the invisible, sensing the Oneness of spirit's emergence is a common human perception. How an individual interprets and expresses the experienced event will be personally, uniquely worded.

Spiritual Direction – Experiencing the Triad Method

The class is working with spiritual direction. The facilitators have moved the class into demonstrations of spiritual direction with the use of a triad method. This involves two classmate volunteers: one serving as the director and the second one as the directee, and a facilitator as a coach for the spiritual director, if the person needs whispered support during the session.

The directee is given a prescribed reason for why she has come for spiritual direction, a reason unknown to the spiritual director classmate. The spiritual director classmate is provided very limited, if any knowledge of the prescribed situation of the directee.

The first triad is set up with the directee coming to the spiritual director from the basis of having lost her connection to Christ, feeling that she is now unable to find that Christ-centered feeling which was previously achievable.

The two classmates move through the session with the coach letting them struggle, providing some whispered coaching here and there. There wasn't much headway made for this director/directee's session. The first session ends and is then reviewed, followed by classroom discussion.

The second triad moves ahead; the classmate directee and director are in place with their coach. The directee in this case has been instructed to be aloof, to pretend that she was not too sure about wanting to attend this session with the spiritual director. She only came because of a friend's suggestion that it would be good to take part in a session.

Her aloofness is rather dramatic, creating difficulties for the spiritual director. The director struggles with what seems to be a very close-minded, unresponsive directee. Even with the coach providing whispered hints for questions, the interview is difficult. The second session ends, is reviewed, and followed with classroom discussion.

The third triad volunteers are called for. One classmate volunteers as the directee; the spiritual director volunteer does not step forward. By this time, the classmates are well aware of the struggles the previous triad directors have encountered, almost seen as being in the hot seat.

They ask again for a spiritual director volunteer but no one speaks up. I sit in silence; no way am I going to step up into that position. Then I feel that familiar nudge saying, _"This is an opportunity to experience the role of a director."_ But I sit fast, and the facilitators call for a five-minute break for a volunteer to think about the opportunity.

I leave the room as many others do, and walk to the water fountain for a cup of water. While running the water, I again feel that quiet intuitive call from within, _"You need to do this."_ My inner response is, "No way am I getting into this role, this struggle in front of all my classmates."

I return to the classroom, stopping by the washroom; before leaving I wash my hands, again with water running at the sink, that nudge, that inner voice returns for a third time. _"This is meant for you."_ My silent response is a disheartened, "Okay... okay... I hear you, I will volunteer."

The class is beginning to gather again, I approach the facilitator, asking if anyone has volunteered. Maybe there was still a way out?

The facilitator responds "Not yet."

"I'd like to volunteer," I say.

"Are you sure?"

"No... but I do know I just need to do this."

"Well, it is your choice."

"I'll do it."

The facilitator's final response is "All I can tell you is the directee has had a death in the family and she has been coming to you previously for spiritual direction."

"Oh dear!" is my only response. As I move into position to begin the triad experience, I feel an inner guide's presence; I know I am not alone on this journey.

I stand by the two empty chairs, inviting the classmate directee to have a seat. We sit down, and I light a candle on the small table beside us.

I open with, "I understand why you have requested this meeting and ask if we can begin this session with our familiar opening centering prayer."

The directee responds, "That would be nice."

I am pleased by the response for I am quite aware of the value of a centering prayer when approaching difficulties, and there will be some with moving into this ensuing triad.

My facilitated, meditative centering prayer begins with deep breaths. I become conscious of my breath, and marry this with my gentle words of letting go..., relaxing of the neck..., shoulders and arms... with each centered deep breath; taking about three to four minutes to complete.

I become aware of the ever so familiar relaxed feeling as it sweeps over my body. I am at peace, and sense my directee is also ready to engage in the triad challenge. I open the session with asking her if she could share her feelings at the present moment.

My classmate directee moves into her make-believe story of the loss of her son in a motorbike accident. As she progresses with the story and her loss, she becomes more and more connected, engrossed, and animated. She displays anger, grief and condemns God for allowing such an event to happen; she rants in anger about how unfair this is.

Suddenly, there is a loud knocking at the classroom door; someone announces an emergency phone call for a classmate. The triad couple's thought and connection is paused, we look around, and then reconnect to the unfolding story. I feel a deep connection to the directee, sitting there right in front of her. Our eyes focus on each other's eyes and facial expressions.

I sense a nudge; there are two parts to this inner, intuitive question and message. So I follow the most obvious first one. "I know this is an extremely difficult time for you, but would it be possible for you to reflect on this wonderful young man?"

Again a disruption, this time music, chimes and bells play within the classroom. It pulls my attention away for a moment, with the image of a small bell moving through my mind. It relates to the story of when a bell rings it means an angel finds her wings.

I comment, "I hear bells," to my directee. I take a deep breath, and release the distracting image.

I return to asking the directee if she can share anything personal about the raising of her beautiful son, beginning with when he was a baby.

As she moves into this, tears begin to creep down her cheeks as she brought up the memories of her child, the starting day of school and how she felt being separated from him the first day. She followed right through with her son as a youth, and a young man. An expression of joy and pride sweeps over the teary eyes and cheeks as she expresses her feelings of this shared life of a wonderful growing young man and her relationship as his mother.

Once again a distraction; someone starts washing the window just four feet off to the side of our chair positions. The triad pair both notice this, but release the distraction once again.

I bring forward the second earlier perceived intuitive message. "You mentioned how he loved to ride his motor bike. Can you share some of his feelings that you were aware of when he rode his bike?"

Her reply is, "Oh, yes, he often told me how he felt, the wind in his face, his long hair flying freely, he was free, free to fly, like nothing else he had ever imagined." Again a gentle smile moves across her face, as she mentally lives their interaction once again.

I sense another nudge, this one to be shared with her. I feel a need to reflect on the gift that she as his mother has given him.

"You gave your son a gift...first by loving him, then by stepping back to give him his freedom to express himself in his own unique way. You allowed this young man to move his life in a way that he could express and feel the spirit, the unique being of which he was. This is the most difficult and yet the most valuable gift parents can give their child," I said.

The coach speaks up, "Time's up, time's up." We look at each other, realizing we had completed the session and that we both had a feeling that an amazing experience had just taken place.

Our coach pauses, then comments he is shocked at the depth of the session; he doesn't really know what to say and asks if one of the other facilitators with more experience in triad work would provide the review.

Facilitator 1 begins the review with comments to the directee and her ability to become present in the moment of the role she was playing. The directee comments, "I had sensed I was being heard, sensing the director was just so there for me, that I dropped into the role play. It became my reality. I do have a son that drives a big powerful motorbike and I have often prayed that I would never have to face the reality which I just experienced in this session. It is a real concern to me as his mother."

Many classmates compliment her on the role-playing, and comment on the director's fortune to have such a responsive directee for the triad.

The facilitator then addresses me as the director, saying, "You did a great job on being centered, able to move through the triad unperturbed by distractions. You also did well in finding appropriate questions, responses and interaction with the directee.

"I have been involved in similar type triad sessions as this for over thirty years and have only seen the job done as well as this maybe three or four times."

I am shocked. Then she addresses the class, "Class, this is a good example of what spiritual direction or companioning is all about." She continues with a comment for the director and directee: "You are both Enneagram-centered fours, heart centered, which can often show up as being very emotional and sensitively expressive; this has likely been part of what was witnessed here today."

I feel good about the affirmation from Facilitator 1. I know she is an expert and does not hand out credits unless they are well deserved.

The class breaks for lunch; many of them approach the two of us congratulating us on a job well done. One of the facilitator assistants steps up beside me, acknowledging the good job.

She questions me, "I didn't know you had experience as a grief counselor."

I am taken aback, responding, "I don't have grief counseling experience, I have never done this before."

"You must have done this before or had training," she says, "because I am trained and regularly provide grief counsel work. When I took my training there were sessions for what might be called Grief Work 101. You followed the three-step format for working as a grief counselor."

I try to bring in the concept of being centered in the moment, being open and receptive to the intuitive, to cosmic consciousness, but to no avail. I close the discussion with "Let's just say a little bird told me about it."

She gives me a bewildered look. And this kills any further discussion, for I knew not what to say.

After a few well-wishers, I feel overwhelmed for I did not see this as really significant as some saw it. This being centered in the moment, being still and listening for the intuition is not an unfamiliar part of my life's experience. This is often the state I relate to within the world of nature, and often the state in which I relate to people.

I ponder; perhaps it is more my willingness to step forward in this situation that the class found of interest? I also feel one or two acknowledgments are fine and can be affirming, but too many make me feel uncomfortable. In part, I am quite aware that ego sits ready to collect any hot air for the swelling balloon of self.

During a break a short time later, I approach Facilitator 1 and make reference to the difficulties of the Enneagram fourth place. She responds, "An Enneagram four can have difficulties, problems when they encounter spirit in their life's experience."

I respond, "I'm aware of this and see it as both a blessing and a curse."

She laughs, "You said it, I didn't."

I respond, "You were my mentor last year, you have read my papers, you know me and must see this struggle."

She responds, "I do, I do, and I know you listen to the spirit's movement, you are there. But now your challenge is to live a life with the movement of spirit in action for the world."

Later in my evening's journaling, I ponder. Why did I choose to do this? The only response in my journaling prayer is simple. I had stepped forward because intuitively I felt nudged several times, and felt the spirit's movement; this was meant for me to do.

Journal Pondering – Where Do I Go From Here?

April 14th, 2011. The day of silence at Calling Lakes Centre is underway for the Prairie Jubilee Program residency. I am bundled in warm clothes, sitting on a foam cushion by the cool, damp, rocky lakeshore, with gently lapping waves; I have been sitting for several hours.

I am letting my mentor's previous day discussion about prophets and their wisdom sift gently through my mind, like flour sifting through a sieve. It's like when you are not really looking for anything in particular, just letting the concepts of the prophets and their wisdom settle where they may within.

Still at the lake, I change my thought to a single sheet scroll presented to each of the classmates when we entered the day of silence the evening before. I read it over, sensing, feeling the message that emerges. I sense something present, close to me; I turn left, and then right, nothing is there.

Returning to my contemplation on the scroll's message, again I feel a presence, even stronger this time. I turn completely around and get a warm smile from one of the program's assistant classmates. I motion for her to join my cushion seat on the rocky shoreline. We sit in complete silence, huddled together on the comfy cushion, and I continue my time with silent contemplation on the scroll, with the presence of my cushion-sharing companion.

I watch the hypnotic gentle waves as they end their run on the rocky shoreline. I observe a wave at least double the height, and from a different direction than all the others, a rogue wave. I watch it as it moves silently, with the odd white cap appearing when it overtakes a different direction wave. I ponder, knowing that it too will find its shore, only in a different time and place from my immediate shoreline.

I wonder if this also applies to my cushion-sharing companion. I sense I might encounter this individual at another time and place. Eventually, we leave the stillness and gentle lapping waves of the lake, returning to the facility for lunch.

Following lunch, I retire to my room for some reading and a snooze, and then dress appropriately and hike to a nearby hilltop with my journal. I ponder on the previous day of triad sessions; where am I to go with this, what am I to do with this experience, this gift that I am given, the connection to the intuitive Oneness of spirit? I enter the question in my journal, take several deep, relaxing breaths, setting aside any desire, simply feeling the presence on the hilltop, with the lake in the foreground. I am at peace and centered with the natural world.

In a few minutes I sense " _The_ " as in the beginning of a sentence, and enter it in my journal. This is immediately followed with " _The... door has been opened for you._ "

I am familiar with this journaling prayerful questioning, and intuitive response process and reply. "I do sense and feel it has been opened, but sense there is still a fog of unknowing. I see the light but the path is not clear."

" _I think it is as clear as can be_."

"Then it is my unease with the movement. I know there are no guarantees but the gift of choice. Yet, I choose and see your presence and perceive only a glimpse."

" _Did you not feel the movement when you made the choice for action on my nudge?"_

"Yes, I felt your persistence and I moved with it. I took the chance, made the choice."

" _THAT was some chance; the stage was set for you to enter._ "

"... Aaaahh (feeling guilty), Sorry, I see this and am thankful for the opportunity to move with this. Thank you for your support and my triad classmate partner's role-playing as well. I sensed your presence, and I am thankful for the nudges and leads. I ask that you remain as clear and present in my life as was evident in that triad scenario."

" _You ask, you don't think I am present? I am your guide and partner. I can't not be other than that which you are."_

"Then I hope in all hope that I may move in this life with awareness of your presence in every hour of every day. That your presence will shine through the love I sense in the Oneness of your presence here and now. I hope... I ask that you SHOUT when the opportunity opens for the direction which is best, the most positive in expressing your ever-presence, the never-ending Oneness in this my life experience."

" _I have done so, if you haven't noticed_."

"I have noticed and thank you for your persistence and encouragement."

I close my journal without reviewing the writing; as usual I will leave the reviewing for another time. I spend the rest of the afternoon reading, contemplating in silence on the beautiful valley hillside, the natural world as my companion. By late afternoon, I return from the natural world to the facility for a quiet supper and prepare to meet with my classmates and facilitators for the return-from-silence ceremony. This is followed with a presentation in preparation for the next day's dream work and soul/spirit's awakening.

I retire to my room by 10:00 p.m. As usual I set out my journal and pen near my bed, with the hope of a few short notes of a dream for the next day's dream work.

I am roused from my sleep by someone in the building shouting as if in an argument. I think it must be the other group that is attending a different program, for they have been noisy before. I wish they'd just let me go back to sleep.

Again, the same line is repeated several times, very much like a one-side-shouted conversation, as if blaming someone else. "It's you, you have the message." The argumentatively debated, one-sided conversation ends. I roll over, look at the time: 1:30 in the morning.

I pick up my pen and record in the dark, the one argued line in my journal. "It's you, you have the message." I toss and turn for nearly an hour before returning to sleep. I rouse at 6:00 a.m. with a very short dream on the fringe of my mind, and record the dream.

The dream: I am in a corner store. I have a child with me, my granddaughter. She is choosing a chocolate bar from a long glass-covered counter. The selection, array of candy bars is huge, wrappers of every colour, shape and size. She has problems choosing which bar she wants, as there are so many beautifully displayed bars.

Working Through Life's Messages

The morning session begins with one of the facilitators presenting an approach in dealing with revelations, apparitions, and other images and messages sometimes encountered when experiencing a more contemplative perspective in living.

Discussion continues using the Enneagram placements to enhance the approach to nine, the all and more position, and the place that seems to serve as the sum of all the numbers. This is the place of spirit; the Mystery is in the here and now.

Through this movement, the "I" in me has an ineffable desire to be known. There is a need to go deep into self-me to find the mystery of that which I am.

And yet the call of ego is there to struggle and challenge the claim for self; and hence the need to step back for discernment. My goal is to follow the threads home to the Holy mystery of that which I am. The intent is for the mystery to be seen as the glory of God, the Creator, the Essence of our reality, the soul of my being, the real "I" of this me. My note taking is erratic as I struggle to capture the facilitator's message within the points of my own sketchy deep thought.

I flip my note pages again to continue, and come to the blank sheet with the previous dark night's enigmatic one-liner, from 1:30 in the morning: "It's you, you have the message"... The message hits me hard, it seems like it speaks to me of the morning's presentation. I feel an emotional pull from within, drawing me to the message. Was that message for me, not an argument from another in the darkness of the darkened building?

I flip pages back in my journal, looking for the previous day's prayerful communications from on the hilltop;... there it is, "I hope, I ask that you SHOUT when the opportunity opens for the direction which is best, the most positive in expressing your ever-presence, never-ending Oneness in this my life experience." I feel bewildered, an emotional state creeping into my breath, my throat, a few tears collecting in my eyes, just as the facilitator calls for a twenty-minute break.

I approach Facilitator 1, expressing my emotional state and difficulty with the morning's presentation and my previous night's sleepless instigator; she listens intently. We find a couple of chairs off to the side of the classroom and I relate the story of the message from the night before.

In deep thought she says, "This is a message given to you, you are a messenger."

I pause, "... a messenger... what do you mean I'm a messenger?"

She responds, "Down through humanity's history and stories there are messengers, those who are given the gift of carrying a message. These messengers show up in every religion; the Jewish Old Testament is full of them; as Hermes in Greek mythology, he was the gods' messenger to the people."

I am caught by the depth of the facilitator's discussion. "I can't do that; I'm just a retired farmer, retired conservationist, that **can't** be right."

She responds, "How do you think the goat herders and fishermen felt when they were asked to move from out of their comfort areas?"

I shake my head negatively, "... that can't be...that can't be," as tears run down my cheeks.

"Why do you think you have been on such a long mystical journey? You can be sure the characters in those stories of old would respond the same way, just a different time and journey, but the same request was made to change and take up the challenge that was given. You are a messenger; how you respond to this is going to be your challenge."

The class reassembles and instructions for the dream work are reviewed. This second-year class has seventeen individual students. This creates a problem for teamwork; this time it is me who ends up working with one of the facilitators. I work with Facilitator 3, someone I have not had much personal time to work with.

The facilitator asks me to read my short dream's main points of interest. I respond giving my version of the main features (1) My presence in the store with my granddaughter; (2) granddaughter; (3) large selection or array of candy bars offered.

The facilitator asks, "What does the man feel when he enters the store?"

I reply, "I feel good, positive about being with my granddaughter, providing her with a gift, but she can't decide."

"How does he feel about waiting for her to choose?"

"... I feel good... I'm in no rush... I am at peace... just fascinated by the wonderful child's difficulty in choosing."

The facilitator then asks me if I can tell him what the child feels.

I reply, "... she is excited,... amazed,... passes back and forth in front of the long glass-covered display, admiring all the possibilities,... she feels blessed to have the choice,... but is finding it difficult to make a final choice."

"What does being blessed feel like?"

"... She feels completely accepted, honoured... feels special."

"Does she make a choice?" the facilitator asks.

"... Not yet," I reply.

The facilitator then changes the scene. "Can you tell me what it is like to be the array of candy bars, what does it feel like to be this array?"

I pause, take a few deep breaths... sense a feeling that creeps into my subconscious, a feeling of... of recognition with something, a feeling that pulls at me. I focus on a point on the ceiling tile, to the upper left, I take several more deep breaths, staying focused, feeling my upper body relax, ... I close my eyes and wait... replying, "... I am the array,... I am everything."

"Can you explain what you mean by everything?" asks the facilitator.

"I am everything,... I am plentiful,... I am as far east as east can go, and as far west as west can go (I reach to the left and right with my arms),... I am square and I am round,... I am endless."

"How does the array feel losing a bar?" asks the facilitator.

"... I am endless...I am all there is... my giving is endless."

"But, how does the array feel?"

"... I am endless in giving... I am to be given away," I reply as the array.

The facilitator pauses, "...There is the message in the dream. You have the message, your message is to be given away."

The dream work time is up; it ends with no further discussion. We move to join the reassembling classmates. I am slow in rejoining the gathering circle of classmates. I ponder the dream outcome and Facilitator 3's ending comment. I know Facilitators 1 and 3 have not had time to discuss my troubled discussion before the dream work, and yet I sense the very obvious "messenger" connection.

Final Day of Residency

It's the final day for the year two residency at Calling Lakes Centre; the classmates gather with a sense that many of us may never cross paths again. The two years have brought us together in a way that only those who are spiritually seeking the heart and soul of their being could sense the journey we have traveled together.

I will be staying one more evening; the rest of my classmates and facilitators will be leaving immediately after lunch. Traveling by myself, I prefer not to be tired when beginning the six and a half hour trip home, so I choose to leave first thing the next morning.

I enter the smorgasbord lunch line-up. One of the other group that is attending the centre is in line beside me. I initiate a conversation, asking what course the group is studying.

The Aboriginal woman shares her story about the course she is teaching her twelve young students. They are being trained in the process and methods of doing a landscape environment evaluation.

Familiar with my own watershed and landscape work, I respond well to some of her explanations and questions. She is quite interested in my environmental and agricultural connections; commenting she has no guest speakers coming in to speak to the class from an agriculture background. She asks if I would be willing to share supper with her and the students. I quite willingly agree and look forward to the evening's discussion.

The supper discussion goes well, lots of discussion focused on the concerns of agricultural impact on water quality. A number of the students are quite intrigued by my involvement in agriculture and why I would choose to move into the conservation of land and water fieldwork.

I address this from the perspective that all farmers are different. My farming practices had included many land and water management decisions based on reducing the negative impacts of farming activities.

This led to questions on why I was concerned with the natural world, something that they didn't apparently see or perceive as common in agricultural practices. The students gradually drift away as the supper is completed. The teacher remains inquisitively focused on my sense of presence with the natural world.

This discussion continues; I share many of the stories in these essays: the tree bluff experience, the aura connections, remote viewing of my brothers west coast driveway, etc. She would share or match my stories with an aboriginal reflection; for example, the story that led up to the tree bluff experience. The young aboriginal men will often go on a vision quest, which can take several days. The men become exhausted, tired to the point that they will eventually be able to set aside the material side of their world and see the spirit side of the same world. She could relate well to the tree bluff story of the tired farmer's approach and the spirited outcome with the trees.

This story sharing and listening went on for well over an hour; eventually we realize the fleeting time. I thank her for being so openly welcoming with her class and supper table. She thanks me for being willing to share my time, experience and stories.

Then she commented further..."I have never sat and talked to a white man in this way before. I have never been aware of any that have such a connection to the natural world as you."

I am surprised at her openness and respond, "I am not alone, there are others; they just don't stand out as the typical farmers. And, I would also like to thank you for sharing your time and stories for I have never sat with an Aboriginal woman and listened to the many stories of her tradition. It's been both a real pleasure and an honour."

As we left the table, she turns and asked if she could give me a hug goodbye. We exchange a hug and each go our own way.

I go for a short walk down to the lake, pondering if this evening has been one of those times when I was called to be "the message and the messenger." It felt more like I was the recipient in sharing the common presence of Spirit. I was simply being who I am in that particular moment of time. I return to my room to journal my last day's activities and prepare for an early departure the next morning.

The Prairie Jubilee Program – Four-day Silent Retreat

Location: Our Lady of the Prairie Abbey, Holland, Manitoba

It is May 22, 2012. The Prairie Jubilee Program is nearing completion. I have to make a decision on where and how I will do a four-day silent retreat. I would like to set this up in some way that when it is completed, I might find a deep spiritual meaning from the event. I search for options.

During the two-year course, I have attended monthly meetings with a peer-supervision group in a small community in rural southwestern Manitoba. The usual route takes me past Our Lady of the Prairie Abbey, a Trappist monastery. I consider this option and make contact with the abbot.

When I make my initial inquiry into doing my four-day silent retreat with the Trappist community, I stress an interest in working in the natural world. They willingly accept my request to work with/for them for three to four hours per day. It is a suitable time to do my planned silent retreat with the Trappist Monks, as this is a very busy time for garden preparations and planting.

Upon my arrival, an initial discussion is planned with the abbot to start the retreat, explaining the parameters they have in mind for my silence, their boundaries/limitations, and openness.

The abbot asks about the course I am studying. I give him one of the Prairie Jubilee Program (PJP) new brochures. He looks it over commenting, "Very spiritual," and returns the brochure, even though I offer him to keep it. The short introduction stretched into nearly an hour when he asks what I know about the Trappist life, and I commented on my encounter with Thomas Merton's writings.

This is a very interesting and unique experience; being immersed into the daily functions of the Trappist Monk's, Roman Catholic (RC) Christianity tradition as a helping visitor in silence. I am not a follower of the RC tradition but am somewhat familiar with it through family members and living a good part of my life adjacent to the very strong, RC communities of Notre Dame de Lourdes, Somerset, and St. Leon.

I grew up being aware of some of the isolating, restrictive religious differences. For example, during church services, the priest tells the congregation that the bread and wine sacrament is only for confirmed Catholics.

During the previous PJP residency, a couple of my classmates had discussed the book, The _Aquarian Gospel of Jesus the Christ_.23 I have never encountered this book, so I ordered it, choosing this to be my reading material during the four-day retreat.

Beginning the book, I soon became aware of the strong main theme attributed to the book's Jesus. This is his disapproval of the segregation of the priestly ones from the common society. The book's Jesus has much to say about the need for the removal of idols, altars and symbols, removal of the robes of separation and priestly piety in many patriarchal, authoritarian world religious traditions.

And here I am, immersed into the RC structure of song, chants and prayers. Even in this Trappist-organized structure I see caps, gowns symbolizing separation, states of individual hierarchy above another.

In the first few days of work, attending six prayer sessions of the seven or eight offered per day, and reading my chosen book for silence, I begin to see struggles emerging in my journal entries. This is not what I expected on my silent retreat!

I gradually see the monks' generosity and willingness to include me from the visitor section in the chapel. The feeling just began to emerge. The quiet vegetable gardener, who sat in the visitor section every service, rubbing his tired knees, is assisting me in finding the right book and page to follow with the prayers and chants. He is always willing to help. In silence I know not who this quiet, gentle man is. To my surprise, in a Eucharist service, this visitor section friend has his robe on and takes part in administering the Eucharist/Communion symbols to the monks, a visiting priest, and numerous local visitors. He looks at me hanging back, and motions to me to accept his offer. I move forward and share the traditional symbol of Christ's gift.

This is the exact reverse of my previous life's experience in the neighboring communities, where it is often pointed out during a service where the RC participation restrictions apply.

I attend services for the ending of the day, it just seems right to honour in some way the gifts I feel on being accepted in silence into their functioning community.

The first end of day prayer or "Compline" is again a surprise. At the end of the prayer service, the monks go through the process of the sprinkling of holy water. The visitor section consisting of the gardener and myself are motioned to step forward; of course I am a bit hesitant due to past experiences with the RC traditions. But one of the monks motions to me, offering to share the tradition. I go forward and have my first sprinkling of holy water, feeling truly accepted in receiving the gift being offered.

On the last meal delivery to the visitor's dining room, the abbot who had done my initiation on day one approaches me asking if it would be possible to get a copy of the PJP brochure. I leave two on a table for him, and both brochures are gone when I return later. I smile to myself.

On the last prayer session, "Sext" at 11:30 a.m., before leaving the Trappist community, I am loading my luggage and notice one of my familiar front garden caretakers. I stop to inform him of my silent retreat ending. I finally get to introduce myself to my co-worker of the past four days. This tall silent individual referenced here as Monk 1 had formerly been a bishop in the RC church's tradition until he was 70 years old, and now has been a Trappist monk for seven years.

It was Monk 1 who had motioned to me to come forward in the "Compline" service for the holy water. We converse for fifteen minutes, with him asking me why I had chosen a retreat with the Trappist tradition.

I reflect on my attraction to contemplation, silence and my deep connection with the Spirit's emergence through the natural world, and the influence of Thomas Merton's writings – and my desire to seek a final course retreat that might offer a deeper meaning to enhance my spiritual practice of silence and journaling.

We walk back together to attend my final 11:30 a.m. prayer session. I express my appreciation for their willingness to have my presence within their community, and that I considered it a real pleasure and honour to have had such an experience. I ask him to convey the message to his brothers.

On leaving this last service of my retreat, I spoke to my visitor section companion, thanking him for his constant help and how his offering me the Christian symbols of wafer and wine Communion, was special to me.

Later, I reflect on the experience of my journaling struggles connected to the _Aquarian Gospel of Jesus_ book and its determination to move away from the tradition of priestly piety, pomp and ceremony, and hierarchy. In this community, it is there, but not evident in a power or controlling way.

Instead I had a personal awakening to the gentleness and acceptance by the monks within the chants and prayer services, the simple silence in the meager world of gardening care. I felt the spirit's presence emerging in so many directions with the simple caring and sharing with a fellow human being in work and prayer with no restrictions or question.

The abbot who had my initial introduction to the four-day silent retreat had expressed some concern with the current society at large, and its lack of concern for prayer. He had noted that there were no young men interested in the contemplative life of the monk, let alone the priesthood. He also pointed out there were only seven actual monks serving in their community, and they were all over seventy-four years old. He was deeply concerned.

Reflection on my Silent Retreat

By the end of my four days and closing comments with a few other monks, I could see their faith carried them though from tiring day to tiring day. It became obvious they couldn't continue much longer with the current small community. It appears the existence of this Trappist Monk community will most likely be changing dramatically.

I pray this committed and faithful small group of brothers can sense, feel and accept the Spirit's movement and growth with their upcoming changes. Hopefully you can sense and feel to some extent the depth I feel within my heart for the four-day silent retreat at the Notre Dame des Prairie Monastery.

14 http://prairiejubilee.ca

15 _The Wisdom of The Enneagram_ , Don Richard Riso and Russ Hudson, Bantam Book, June 1999

16 _The Three Faces of Mind_ , Elaine De Beauport, The Theosophical Publishing House, 2002

17 Charles Cummings, _The Mystery of the Ordinary_ , Harper & Row Publishing, San Francisco, 1982, page 52

18 Robert Sardello, 2006, 2008, _Silence – The Mystery of Wholeness_ , published by Goldstone Press, Heaven & Earth Publishing and North Atlantic Books. 2006, 2008, page 107

19 Adrian B. Smith,2008, _God, Energy and the Field_ , first published by O Books UK, page 38

20 Bruce Sanguin's article _"Does human life have a purpose?"_ June 13, 2013. _United Church Observer_ , page 49

21 Robert Sardello, Silence – _Silence The Mystery of Wholeness_ ; Published by Goldstone Press, Heaven & Earth Publishing, and North Atlantic Books. 2006, 2008, Page 51

22 Matthew Fox, _Original Blessing_ ; Penguin/Putman 2002, page280

23 _The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus The Christ – The Missing Years_ , first published 1908 and selected by Alan Jacobs. This edition produced in 2010 for Sacred Wisdom. An imprint of Watkins Publishing, Castle House, 75-76 Wells Street, London W1T 3QH

CHAPTER 12  
THERE IS MORE TO THIS THAN WHAT IS PERCEIVED

I have experienced many mysteries of _"There is more to this than what is perceived"_ – throughout my life's journey. One story that expresses this intuitive call is when I am invited to serve as an elder for the disbanding of a care-giving group, after they have volunteered service for over 15 years. Most of the group are in their senior years and want to step back from the work.

This group's structure and practice of 'caregiver, receiver and supervision group' is very similar to that of 'spiritual director, directee and peer supervision training' in my Prairie Jubilee Program [see chapter 11]. The care-giving group has provided grief work in relation to death of a loved one, health issues, job loss and bankruptcies – to injustice issues, and loneliness from youth to aging seniors who can't discuss particular topics with their family or loved ones. The list is as long as it is wide, and is about the human need to be heard.

In the meeting, I'm asked if I have any comments to contribute. I congratulate them all for the very significant volunteer work they have provided over the years, and I see their expressed concerns with the continued need for this work in their community.

I feel an intuitive nudge, a message from Spirit, " _In this giving of good works there is more to this than what is perceived."_ This is in relation to the givers of the good works and their own inner spiritual growth when giving to others in need. But I fail to clearly express my message, and one of the caregivers speaks up quite abruptly, "Oh we don't go there, that is not why we give."

I replied, "I am not talking about ego, I'm talking about expanding one's spiritual growth." My message falls short of conveying what needs to be said.

In private, one of the caregivers shares this story with me. "After I work with my care receiver, I notice the sky is literally bluer than blue and the trees are greener than green. This occurs with at least half of my visits."

I ask, "What do you see or sense in this?"

The response is, "I don't know but I'm uneasy with it and don't know what to make of it. I wish it would go away. I'm the type of person who likes to have my world structured and organized." A few moments of silence follow; nothing else is brought forward.

I suggest, "Just keep the door open, be still and listen, perhaps in the form of some creative journaling or art work."

The response, "I don't want to talk about it." And our discussion on the topic quickly ends.

I feel down; I sense I have failed to convey the meaning of my intuited message. I could not pull it together.

Later I meet with my Jubilee mentor and spiritual directors for some supervision and guidance. During our discussion, an image of a cross helps to bring the message into the light.

On the cross, the horizontal line is our daily world, physical reality, the flat land world in which we have a choice to provide wonderful gifts of care and good works among all the other many daily choices we make. Then there is the vertical line above and below the horizontal flat land of physical life activity.

The vertical line **below** is the outcome of living a life of good work in which we do not place sufficient time in developing and awakening to our own spiritual growth. This will generally lead to a feeling of being excessively busy, overwhelmed, burnt out, and may eventually lead to a state of depression. The vertical line **above** the horizontal line is the outcome of living a life of good work in which we allow enough time for awakening to and developing, broadening our own spiritual growth.

This awakening to the need of expanding our own spiritual growth can emerge at any time. Addressing this desire can come from a wide range of spiritual practices and traditions recognized across the world. Generally speaking, it involves stepping aside for a time from the excessive busyness of doing, to become more centered, to become more spiritually grounded.

Finding a method to become still and receptively listening, sensing those thin places where the intuitive emergence of Spirit is encountered, can be difficult work. For some people, the unknown can be seen as fearful.

This process has been recognized by many serving in monastic life styles. Some may go on vision quests, nature walks, labyrinth walks; others may turn to various forms of meditation, prayers, chants, movements in Yoga, Tai Chi, and more.

The end result is the recognition of the mystery of Spirit presence in this physical world, unfolding as our reality. Spirit is in everything around us – our loved ones, the natural world and not least of all the recipients of our good works, the care receiver and directee, and those who see visions of skies bluer than blue and trees greener than green.

Peace be with you.

CHAPTER 13  
BLUE DOT AND RED RIBBON IMAGE

In writing of these stories and incorporating them into this book format, I entered and removed this Blue Dot and Red Ribbon Image journal story several times. Eventually, I listen to the nudge, placing aside the fear of appearing too far out to be accepted by many (considered sane) people. So the story is presented as the writing emerged in my journal.

2012-11-04 – Where is the Spiritual Side of Life?

I have been retired for two years. I sit in my east-facing, plant filled sunroom, with soft relaxing music playing, a November sunrise starting to lighten the horizon over the neighbor's rooftop. I am contemplating the connection I sense with spirit in the world around me.

I become aware, conscious of an emerging image, a visual field, a plain of blue dots with a red wavy ribbon. I feel something is significant about the image. I glance across the room; my grandchildren have left the colored pencils on a nearby small table. I pick up my journal, two pencils and begin recording my image and words expressing the image.

The blue dots represent the Spirit, the Essence that holds or creates the perception of a physical reality. Spirit exists within us, within all that is perceived as the physical (dense red wavy band), time and space of our perception. This red physical perception becomes the experienced, because of the blue dots. In essence, the blue dot presence is all there is. The outer, less dense red (thin place) ribbon band is where a self-aware being may enter, providing insight to what is the over and underlying essence of the Creator, Divine spirit.

The next morning I review my previous morning's writing and image, feeling satisfied I have caught the image's message.

About two weeks later I gather with my former Prairie Jubilee classmates for a meeting. During the lunch break I pose a question, sharing it with two classmates. "Is there an energy level or something moving through our society that has created a sense of separation from the Spirit's presence?"

A classmate, who does personal interpretation readings in relation to planetary positions, date and time of birth, provides her perspectives from planetary positions. She commented on the wave-like energy of a particular planet in the past few months.

The wave-like energy mentioned catches my attention. I tell the two classmates about my image experience. And of course I produce a print of the image for review and comments.

My classmate asks, "What are the blue dots, what are they in reference to?" I try to put words together expressing that the blue dots represent Spirit, the essence that creates or holds the physical red ribbon of our perceived reality. My explanation didn't help much, for the discussion ends shortly.

Three days later I am roused from my deep sleep at 4:00 a.m. In the darkness of early morning the image of the blue dots and red ribbon appears in my mind's eye. I roll over thinking, "Why is this image in my head? I'm sleeping."... I hear a voice like a night visitor saying, _"You missed the point with your classmate. It is the empty space between the dots that you'll find me in."_ For the next hour, the words haunt me as I roll from side to side to free myself from the words. At 5:00 a.m. I get up, sit in the darkened sunroom, turn on a lamp and start writing in my journal to empty my mind of the intrusion.

The following words emerge:

Look for me not in your dense red wave, for this is the place of your time and space.

Look for me not in your red wave's thin place, for this is your place of intuition.

Look for me not in your blue dot's place; for I am not there, this is your spiritual place.

But, look for the space between the blue dots, the place of your empty space, there you'll find my place.

I do not read the words over, but return to bed and sleep peacefully for an hour.

The next morning I review my 5:00 a.m. writing and ponder the "look for me not" statements. They seem to be out of place with my previous writing from this image.

I question my writing. Maybe I missed the message? The thought of altering my written piece to make more common sense enters my mind. Yet, as I am well aware from the past, I must just accept the inner voice of the message. I close the journal, setting aside the desire to alter the original writing.

The next morning at dusk, I once again pick up my journal and pen, soft music playing in the background. I sit comfortably in the glide rocker, focus on relaxing my shoulders, arms, upper body in connection to my deep relaxing breaths. In five minutes I open my journal and write.

"I need to hear you from your place between the blue dots. I wait... I wait...."

A minute or two passes _. "You got my message."_ (Italicized writing indicates a sensed presence, other than that of my usual self-writing.)

"Yes, you are present from my empty place between the blue dots. But, who will I describe you to be?"

" _I am not that which you can describe."_

"So are you simply the mystery?"

" _No, I am not a mystery, you may call me as such, but a mystery I am not_."

"Then who do I refer to you as?"

" _You think as you are and must do so. I am not that which you can physically describe. I am beyond your time and space of which you desire to place my description_."

"But, you are my link, my connection to that whichever you are?"

" _I am that which you can only describe as an un-describable presence. How would you describe your tree's description of the human being?"_

"From my perspective, we are similar in Spirit, energy of creation; but are separate in experience, completely different potential available if we, humanity so chooses. Tree is connected with Spirit at a level in which we, humanity have for the most part set aside to wander in the perception of separateness from Spirit."

" _That is only your perception of separateness in your perceived physical reality_."

"So where does your presence, my awareness of your presence, fit into my understanding of your connection to the being of which I am?"

" _I am that which you are_."

"... So... we are not separate?"

" _No, this separateness of which you perceive is only your experience of such_."

"So in this state... I am to accept that I am not separate from you, but am that which you are?"

" _I have tried to convey this message, but you have gone on with this inability to see where and what my connection to you, to humanity, to your perceived reality is all about_."

"So am I just your presence, here as a part of the physical reality? Am I your presence as a human being, providing the connection for you to experience the perception of a physical reality of separateness to which I perceive I am? In essence, is this self-awareness of humanity our choice of perceived separateness, providing your perception of a physical experience? I, we, are your desire for this physical experience?"

" _NOW_ _you have it, I am that which you are. You are part of that which is my experience of the physical. Thank you for your struggles, determination and openness to see that which is your experience_."

"I suppose, I thank you also for your desire to experience that which is my experience as a physical reality. My humanity and I are like a shadow of your presence in this reality, a shadow with self-awareness, the ability to choose our separateness from that which we truly are. Our physical reality is the shadow of your Oneness, emerging as humanity's experience."

" _Yes, I am that which is your humanity's perception of a physical reality experience_."

"So the turmoil and strife of my world's experience is the working out of your presence in our humanity's choices in separateness, from that which we truly are?"

" _Yes, your reality is simply my experience of the physical. You and your humanity's choices of existing in an unbound harmony of love will bring your experience of separateness back to the truth of which your experience always has been, is and always will be._ "

"I thank you again."

" _Go in peace_."

I close my journal without reading what is written, setting it aside for several days.

Reflection and Review

There are similarities in this image and story to that which appears in my PJP art with the loop of creation. The Creator, Creative energy, is seeing self at the turnaround point where humanity's gift/curse of perceiving separateness eventually comes to the recognition of who/what humanity's existence is all about. When we awaken and choose the journey to come home to the truth, our humanity is not separate from the Spirit/Creator. Coming home means returning to the truth of _"I am that which you are, as you are that which I am."_

CHAPTER 14  
REFLECTIONS & SUMMATION

When I am still, away from the outer world of doing, and am listening, listening in silence for that intuitive movement or inner teacher from within, I am consciously aware of the interplay of the visible/invisible reality, and at times have struggled to find a balance.

I see this brought forward by Denise Breton & Christopher Largent in _Love, Soul & Freedom: Dancing with Rumi on the Mystic Path._

_Moving between the visible and the invisible is the mystic's method, the trick being to find a balance. Too much focus on the invisible, and we lose our groundedness, our link to daily life. Too much focus on the visible, and we lose the invisible matrix of meaning that makes life worth living. Yet the more mystics connect with the invisible, the less they perceive it is separate from the visible. The unseen isn't other than where we are... Mystics see the two together, converging in one flow of meaning._ 24

Do I dare to listen and take action on that small silent nudge, intuitively emerging from within? If I do so, I am aware that I will be making a statement of my awareness of being open to the Oneness of Spirit. It's the same Oneness that is the essence of all humanity, the essence of all of creation, our perceived physical reality. In these life experiences I have referred to an underlying struggle, almost an unwillingness to accept that which I am and our humanity is. I encountered such a struggle in my journaling during my time in the Prairie Jubilee Program.

" _As I continue to encounter life, the Oneness perspective creates an ever-deepening sense of respect and awe for what emerges over and over again. Must I now accept this quote from my journal, "I am that which you are, as you are that which I am"? I see this as a truthful statement of the Oneness of Spirit, a statement that I feel is full of natural beauty, very humbling to the point of being a state of awe, and physically powerful, powerful beyond my capabilities to understand or accept at this point in time"._ 25

I see this unease, unwillingness to accept that which humanity truly is with Thomas Merton, in _A Book of Hours._

Perhaps I am stronger than I think.

Perhaps I am even afraid of my strength, and turn it against myself, making myself weak.

Making myself secure. Making myself guilty.

Perhaps I am most afraid of the strength of God in me.

_Perhaps I would rather be guilty and weak in myself, than strong in Him whom I cannot understand._ 26

In one of the Prairie Jubilee Program's closing questions in the final paper, we were asked to address this question "How do I integrate this experience into my life with or without serving as a Soulful Companion or Spiritual Director?"

The recognition and realization of the Oneness of Spirit within this self-aware state of being, as in all of humanity and the natural world, is not something new to me.

Although this window has been open for me, the PJP has enabled me to open the window wider than I could have done on my own. I now accept the Oneness of Spirit more readily throughout my daily life.

I have asked the question in journaling, my personal prayer method. So what am I to do with the acceptance of this Oneness of Spirit, this interconnectedness of creation, of our physical reality? My journal answer tells me this is not something I _do_ , so much as _be_.

Others will awaken to the Oneness of Spirit in their own time and in their own way.

I will integrate this fresh air through the ever-widening window by simply being who I am. I am someone who has a message to share when anyone is willing to reflect on my story or perhaps request my attention as a spiritual companion for their own journey.

I know I have a gift and will share this gift through remaining open to the presence of the intuitive, open to the inner Teacher, the ONENESS of Spirit's presence emerging from within, and from all the world around me.

I will live out this life experience of separateness from the Oneness of Spirit of which I am and my physical reality is.

I will do my best to live it with love, harmony and respect for the unfolding of the natural world. I will do my best to encourage and assist others in their awakening, without infringing on their journey. I will encourage others to sense the intuitive presence of the Oneness of Spirit as they move with the flow of their own river of life's journey. And I'll encourage all I encounter on this river – whether they move in a canoe, kayak, fishing boat or a simple log raft – to see the commonality of the experienced journey. We are all on a journey to return home to our Spiritual source.

I will close this writing with a valuable and very wise reflective statement from Jennifer Elam in _Dancing with God Through the Storm: Mysticism and Mental Illness._

Beyond–ordinary experiences have been documented in literature as part of human life for thousands of years. Today there are debates about "right" words and "right" framework for understanding these experiences.

Are these experiences gifts from God or workings of evil? Do they represent shamanic teachings or mental illness or brain chemistry? Are they some combination of things? There are many choices.

_It is important for both individuals and religious communities to remember that words, the frameworks, and societal institutions that we use are human in origin. They are incomplete, imperfect and do not represent whole truth._ 27

24 _Love, Soul & Freedom, Dancing with Rumi on the Mystic Path_, Denise Breton & Christopher Largent, Hazelden Center City, Minnesota, 1998, page 25

25 _B.Turner_ , 2011, page 2

26 Excerpted from _A Book of Hours_ by Thomas Merton. Copyright 2007 by Ave Maria Press, P.O. Box 428, Notre Dame, IN 46556. Used with permission of the publisher.

27 _Dancing with God Through the Storm: Mysticism and Mental Illness_ , Way Opens Press, 2002, page 176-177.

CLOSING COMMENTS

This book contains true stories of my life's journey. Throughout these stories (as in your own journey), we have the gift of choice. So with this choice, do I interpret and respond to a given experience negatively or positively, for the good of self, as well as considering the impacts on another? This is a choice for all humanity. Be still and listen for that intuitive emergence of Spirit.

I am open to and welcome any thoughts or comments you may have. You may reach me by email at: intuitivemoments@mymts.net

GRATITUDE AND SOURCES

Barks Coleman, _2004, The Essential Rumi_ , New Expanded Edition, Harper Collins Publishing.

Breton Denise and Largent Christopher, 1998. _Love, Soul & Freedom, Dancing with Rumi on the Mystic Path_, Hazelden Center City, Minnesota.

Cohen Andrew. 2009. _EnlightenNext_ magazine

Cummings Charles, 1982. _The Mystery of the Ordinary_ , Harper & Row Publishing Inc.

De Beauport, Elaine _The Three Faces of Mind_. Wheaton: The Theisophical Publishing House , 2002

Elam, Jennifer. 2002. _Dancing with God Through the Storm: Mysticism and Mental Illness_ , Way Opens Press, Media, Pennsylvania.

Fox Matthew, 2002, _Original Blessing_ ; Penguin/Putman

Hudson Russ, Risco Don R. _The Wisdom of the Enneagram._ New York: Bantom Books, 1999

Kornfield Jack. 2001 _After the Ecstasy, the Laundry_ , Bantam Books

Merton Thomas. 2007. Excerpted from _A Book of Hours_ published by Ave Maria Press, P.O. Box 428, Notre Dame, IN 46556

Sacred Wisdom. _2010. The Aquarian Gospel of Jesus The Christ – The Missing Years_. Castle House, London, Watkins Publishing.

Sanguin Bruce, 2010. _If Darwin Prayed – Prayers for Evolutionary Mystics,_ Copyright held by Bruce Sanguin, Vancouver, BC

Sanguin Bruce, June 2013, _Does human life have a purpose?_ , United Church Observer

Sardello Robert, 2008, _Silence The Mystery of Wholeness_ ; Published by Goldstone Press, Heaven and Earth Publishing, and North Atlantic Books. 2006, 2008

Smith Adrian B., 2008, _God, Energy and the Field_ , first published, John Hunt Publishing Ltd. UK.

Silva Jose and Miele Philip. _1977. The Silva Mind Control Method_ , Pocket Books.

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