

### RECOMMENDATIONS

### FOR

### OBTAINING A MATE

L. M. Collins

Copyright © 2016 L. M. Collins

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

Distributed by Smashwords

Editor: Kimiko Hammari

Research Associate: Helen McCarty

Art Director: Bogdan Lucut

Graphic Illustrator: Janina Kiok

Ebook formatting by www.ebooklaunch.com

CONTENTS

Objective

Introduction

Relationships

Foundation

Preparation

Presentation

Anticipation of Commitment

Patience and Comforting

Summary

# OBJECTIVE

**Objective:** The objective of this manual is to give clear and concise advice on how to attract and secure a mate for at least three consecutive months. Three months is used as a baseline here because after ninety days of dating, most people should have a good idea as to whether or not the relationship "has legs."

Within this objective is the desire to gently re-introduce the concept of **free love** _,_ a form of freestyle dating that originated during the 1960s. Then, "free love" meant men and women having consensual sexual relations without any emotional commitments beyond the act of sex. Here, we shall apply a healthier version of that core spirit by deleting the polyamorous connotations. In _Recommendations on Finding a Mate_ , **free love** shall be defined as "loving freely and generously and without the expectation of a reward or of a commitment from the object of that love above and beyond that which is civil and legal by law."

As the title states, all of the information provided here represents _recommendations_ for individuals who are on an earnest quest for long and lasting love. While these recommendations do not come from a credentialed source (although the author sometimes feels as though she has a master's degree from the University of Hard Knocks), they _do_ come from real-life experiences from real people. Therefore, the reader should attempt to give RFOM as much merit as they would if they were gleaning its anecdotes from a glossy, peer-reviewed textbook. Life on this wonderful, savage blue marble is perhaps the greatest educational system of them all. One just has to dodge its slings and arrows long enough to take notice.

Finally, the author recommends that the reader purchase (and read) the following books:

1. _The Holy Bible_ (Old and New Testaments)

2. _John Glenn: A Memoir_ by Mr. John Glenn

3. _The Way of the Seal_ by Mr. Mark Divine with Ms. Allyson Edelhertz Machate

4. _Say Thank You_ by Ms. M. Gail Woodard

5. _The Gentleman's Handbook: A Guide to Exemplary Behavior, or Rules of Life and Love for Men Who Care_ by Mr. Aaron Shepard

6. _Emily Post's Etiquette_ by Ms. Peggy Post, Ms. Anna Post, Ms. Lizzie Post and Mr. Daniel Post Senning.

In your spare time, read as many books, articles, blogs, Tweets and Facebook postings on the general topic of forming and dissolving relationships as you can. Read about the good, and the bad and the downright ugly. Certainly keep the focus on romantic couplings/uncouplings, but also bone up on famous platonic partnerships: for e.g., Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak (Apple Computer), Steven Spielberg and Kathleen Kennedy (Amblin Entertainment), Marcus Goldman and Samuel Sachs (Goldman Sachs). In each case, try to determine:

• What drew these people together?

• What was their relationship like? Peaceful or volatile? Fair or one-sided?

• What were the pair's successes?

• Where did the pair miss their mark(s)?

• What kept these people together? Or, what drove them apart?

Data mining the interpersonal relationships of others—everyday Americans and world-famous, historical figures alike—can provide _real_ knowledge that you can turn around and apply to your own life.

As stated above, RFOM contains _recommendations_ which are based upon anecdotal data accumulated over thirty years of dating and marrying experiences by the author. **The scientific method plays no role here.** Therefore, outcomes cannot be determined nor guaranteed.

For the ladies, I would also like to recommend watching a YouTube video titled "In Defense of Men, What's Left of Them" by Phaeton230780.

# INTRODUCTION

My name is L. M. Collins. I am an American-born female in her fifties. I have more than thirty years of dating and marriage experience, all the while maintaining a home, co-parenting a son, attending college, working a low-level career, and navigating a drama-filled life. Throughout this time, I strived to remain **awake** and **proactive** during each event and each relationship that came my way. I rarely stumbled into situations and rarely stumbled out of them. Almost ALL of my maneuvers were carefully plotted and executed, according to time and financial allowances. That isn't to say I didn't make gross errors in judgment or hurt the blameless along the way. I did, and at times I did it with alarming frequency. Sometimes I played the hapless victim, and other times I played the role of a cold, calculating cipher. I'm not proud of those times. A bruise against an individual or a business is a bruise against society. So, in a sense, being a cool and deliberate person (a.k.a. **control freak** ) can turn you into a loose cannon of sorts, and you can inflict unintended damage to broad swaths of life.

This _modis operandi_ disappointed me quite a bit at times, and I believe that at some point, it began to disappoint someone else... someone or some _thing_ with enough power and authority to step into my life, wrestle the reins from me and address this issue. Please allow me the conceit to call that "someone" God. Insert "drama-filled life" here. In my late twenties, job loss, poverty, abandonment by loved ones, dislocation, and torment were liberally applied to my life. I did not desire this course correction, nor do I fully appreciate it even now, as my personal losses were great. But, as I have arrived at middle age, I do have more clarity about myself and other people living out their own lives alongside my own. I believe that the main underpinning to this _Magna Interruptus_ was not the complete refutation of my MO, but the **refining** of it. Being a cool-headed survivor is NOT being a sociopath, but being a cool-headed survivor _without_ love and empathy for yourself and for your fellow man or woman can cause you to be _viewed_ as a sociopath. Or even to become one. I believe that I have a more mature understanding of how to engage in and maintain healthier platonic _and_ romantic relationships. But let me be clear: I, too, am still learning.

But allow me to circle back to my original statements. _"I have more than thirty years of dating and marriage experience, all the while maintaining a home, co-parenting a son, attending college, working a low-level career, and navigating a drama-filled life. Throughout this time, I strived to remain_ _awake_ _and_ _proactive_ _during each event and each relationship that came my way. Almost ALL of my maneuvers were carefully plotted and executed, according to time and financial allowances."_ That sounds pretty impressive, doesn't it? Am I a metahuman?[1] Of course not. Nor am I a particularly wise _average_ human. I am merely a practitioner of being aware... aware of my role and my actions in each of my past and present situations (romantic and otherwise), and attentive to the roles and actions that my partners have and are playing in those relationships. (Yes, kids! The significant key to _sometimes_ winning at the Big Game of Life is to actually pay attention to how you and your fellow gamers are playing the game.)

I wrote this manual because I desire to pass on some hard-won lessons and observations from my own love life _and_ from the love lives of relatives, friends, and even cultural icons. Again, you will find no empirical evidence here, only anecdotal information that seems to bear the test of time.

This text is deliberately brief. While not a textbook per se, it _is_ a self-programming guide and will require that you read it several times. It will require that you think about this information and then digest those parts that are palatable to you. I hope that you will apply some of these recommendations to your own quest for love. And that takes time. If you are like most active people in the world today, you do not have a great deal of free time. I do not wish to take up any more of your day than is absolutely necessary. In fact, preparing yourself for romantic love and to receive romantic love is not rocket science. It is **preparation** and **perseverance** , two modes of operation that most of us can handle. Therefore, there is no verbiage here. Everything written down is for your elucidation and is to be read. Often.

The term "POI" (person of interest) will now be used hereafter to refer to either a potential dating candidate or a potential mate.

The expression "tribe" will occasionally be used to represent your inner circle of family, friends, pets, temple or church acquaintances and counselors, and workplace co-workers with whom you have established alliances.

**Special Note #1:** At this point in my life, I am laboring under certain religious restrictions. Consequently, RFOM has a heterosexual orientation and is intended for the reading pleasure of either a male audience in pursuit of available females, or a female audience in pursuit of available males. Having said that, these recommendations are open to anyone with the sincere desire to be involved in a loving, committed relationship. Love can become one of the greatest _positive_ engines in a person's life; therefore, it is my belief that it would boost the greater good if more people had access to it.

Having said _that_ , I hope the information presented here will be enjoyed and used by individuals who are **not** currently in activated marriages or long-term relationships. In other words, your aim should not be to commit adultery or to cheat on your current partner.

**Special Note #2:** I will drop several reality bombs into this manual. These quick, point-of-reference diversions will allow me to move our present point of reference, which to my mind's eye _may_ pretty much resemble the major plot point in the 1999 Hollywood release _The Matrix_. (For those of you without males in your household who will insist that you watch _The Matrix_ at least once every six months, the major plot point of this movie is that the world that humanity believes it lives in is actually a fantastic, global simulation concocted by evil supercomputers that we ourselves built at some point in our history.) The point of reference here will not be outside 'the Matrix' but down one level of play where the elevator doors open to our present-day reality, where human visions of individual success are oriented toward a more intimate landscape. On this level, the concept of truth is allowed, no matter if it edifies or purifies (with mercy). Naturally, in this manual I'm speaking of _my_ vision of truth, so take that into gentle consideration.

**Special Note #3:** In the second paragraph of this introduction, I used the word _awake_. What did I mean by that? Is it important? In the context of this manual, being awake means that you are objectively lucid and actively engaged in Life as your daily progress bar moves from sunrise to sunset. Life is capitalized here to describe Shakespeare's grand play in which we are privileged to play a role. Notice that I did not write, "Being awake means that are you objectively lucid and actively engaged in [YOUR] life as your daily progress bar moves from sunrise to sunset." I left out that word because by default you are playing an active role in your own life. But because the grand play has billions of roles in it, by extension you are also playing a role in the lives of others to some small or even great degree. In time travel scenarios, this is referred to as the butterfly effect, where even the most trivial action or inaction can have serious and lasting effects on other people and upon history itself. The **awake** individual is not only monitoring his or her own life but also the lives of those around them. These would ostensibly be people with whom the person is acquainted. At the same time, he or she is making adjustments to their own actions and behaviors accordingly with the ideal goal of achieving or even just maintaining social homeostasis within this environment.

In this current era of instant communication and incredibly fast travel, there are perhaps several environments of active interest for the awake person, each nested within the next: their immediate environment (which includes self, family and other loved ones, co-workers, and neighbors), their cultural environment (the city and state in which they reside), and their national environment (the country in which they reside).

A typical awake person would most likely be able to maintain a steady grip on their immediate environment. Others, however, would be able to include their cultural and (in rare cases) their national environments. Politicians, socially conscious high-tech gurus, and Hollywood stars can probably function quite easily in all three environments.

At this point you might be asking yourself, "So what? Is this really useful information for me? And, what does it have to do with the cost of tea in China?" I will supply the answers with three words: It creates power. Now I have your attention. Remember the old adage "Knowledge is power"? This is an American axiom that is pretty much truth. In this case, we are thinking of power in the passive sense. We amass power not to do physical work against an idea, belief system, or person, but to create a database of facts and theories that will allow us to more perfectly evaluate an idea, belief system, or person. Sentient creatures are simply vessels who can consume great quantities of information. However, when you apply intent to that knowledge, the passive state becomes the dynamic state and you have _applied knowledge_. Applied knowledge can be converted into real power. Power that has the force to accelerate technology, educate, entertain and inspire.

**Reality Bomb #1:** The universe does not have a good track record of spending time blowing sunshine up humanity's collective hind parts. In fact, it appears to spend an inordinate amount of time causing us frustration, misdirection, pain, and confusion. Therefore, as you embark on this wonderful journey to love, it's a good idea to carefully examine _everything_ it sends your way. _Why?_ Because sometimes you are sent true gifts, and other times you are sent real curses. My take on this state of affairs is to carefully examine everything as time and energy allow. At the same time, step into the cynic's role and make the effort to maintain a neutral frame of mind during any delays or setbacks and **especially in victory**. Creating a neutral zone around your heart and mind can serve as a strong force field against emotional turbulence. I cannot count the number of times I felt lulled by self-confidence or mutual trust in a person only to have to flee the scene once it erupted into flames. In fact, it was when I was feeling the best, the happiest, that a particular situation fell apart. I have learned to never trust those warm and fuzzy feelings that tell you that everyone and everything is all right. Instead, I assume that everything is at best in a neutral state (a condition that could go either for me or against me) and at the worst, in a state of war. This is an extremely paranoid (and emotionally taxing) mode in which to operate. Consequently, it cannot be your 'steady state' for too long or you will become insufferable to yourself and others. **However, it must be your go-to frame of mind, at least during the first three months.**

# RELATIONSHIPS

The definition of the word **relationship** is as follows: _"Noun. The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected._ (Oxford Dictionaries. 6-18-16)

WHAT IS A MODERN RELATIONSHIP?

A modern relationship has a slightly different set of wrappers on it than it did one hundred years ago, but the vital organs—its core—are basically the same. In the United States, we don't arrange relationships for our children in a formalized sense. Some cultures—even assimilated cultures—still do. Today, Jewish matchmakers help fulfill the Old Testament mandate that God's chosen people remain genetically homogeneous. Eastern Indian parents still successfully arrange marriages for their adult children. Many evangelical Christians do not romantically associate with nonbelievers due to Apostle Paul's orders in 2 Corinthians. There can also be a significant amount of social pressure placed on marriage-aged individuals to keep their culture intact by only dating someone who shares a similar racial background (a soft version of the arranged marriage system), but freedom of choice still rules here in the United States.

Generally speaking, we are free to seek and select our romantic partners by ourselves and without legal interference from family, friends, or law enforcement personnel. The Third Article in our Constitution's Bill of Rights (ratified on December 15, 1791) guarantees this freedom. And that is just one of the many tantalizing privileges built into this nation's legal system. But even before then, we had declared to the world (and more specifically to Great Britain's King George III) that Americans had the legal rights to "Life, Liberty and to the Pursuit of Happiness." Imagine that! Under the American interpretation of Judeo-Christian laws, we are not only _allowed_ to seek romance and all of the good things associated with being in a healthy relationship, but we are actually _encouraged_ to do so by our Founding Fathers!

In a modern **marriage** (the hoped-for culmination of a healthy relationship between emotionally and physically mature males and females), both the husband and the wife commit wholly to each other, even to the point of mentally and spiritually becoming one being. This is almost impossible to do, but most of us keep trying anyway!

Of course, this goal is obtainable outside of marriage; but many men and women find that it is easier to proceed within the guidelines of a marriage contract, especially when children, real property, and financial assets are involved.

Still keeping the state of holy matrimony in mind, the primary object of each partner's affection and attention should be the other partner. Everything else and everyone else comes in second. This seems rather selfish, especially if there are children involved, but look at it from a practical perspective **. If the parents' love flags or even disappears, then the entire family suffers, sometimes to the point of divorce.** So it is important that you keep this mindset uppermost in our heart, especially if you are hoping to marry one day: The most important human being on this planet, apart from yourself, will be your spouse.

WHAT DO YOU DESIRE IN A RELATIONSHIP?

Is it love? Security? Or are you looking to start a family? Retrieve a pen and a piece of paper, and make a ten-item list of what you want out of a committed relationship. Be honest. If it is financial support and children, write that down. If it is the desire to love and to be loved, write that down.

Beneath that, write down ten must-haves for the ideal mate. Start with physical appearance, level of education, nationality, personality, income, religion, and so on. I recommend that you also list the things you enjoy and would like to share with your potential mate. These are called **common interests** , and, after similar backgrounds and religious affiliations, they are perhaps the most important items on this list. _Why?_ The astounding passion and cravings between romantic partners that are present in a new relationship begin to subside after approximately seven months. After marriage and day-to-day cohabitation, the sexual desires also begin to dramatically taper off. This diminishment _may_ be more pronounced with men. Add seven more months to that, and many couples are frantically trying to explore new ways to keep encroaching familiarity and mind-numbing boredom from overtaking them. When you have common interests, such as the love of golf or travel, then you have additional resources to safely carry you through these 'dead zones' in a relationship.

A modern relationship should be a refuge for _both_ partners... a clean and satisfying place where both partners can _daily_ heal from the wounds and sorrows that the outside world can inflict upon them. Will the sun shine upon your blissful faces every day? No. But nor should the sun be absent from your faces for too long a period of time. Both of you should be striving to make the other feel loved, wanted, peaceful, and feeling good about Life. This will require effort and some sacrificing on both your parts, but it is absolutely necessary in order for the love to keep flowing.

Additionally, a modern relationship should be the strong yet tender springboard from which you _both_ jump into the rest of your lives. A healthy relationship allows love partners to express themselves (in a civil manner, of course!), actuate themselves, better themselves, grow themselves, and evolve themselves without having to feel as if they will be diminished, punished, envied or ignored.

A modern relationship is a realm where both parties contribute to the bills, the child-care (if one or both partners have children from a previous relationship), and the household duties. It is not always fifty-fifty. Sometimes it's forty-sixty or even twenty-eighty. If one partner is an emergency room physician and the other is a part-time account executive at a retail store, then it would seem fair that the party with the part-time job would take on more household responsibilities. It also follows that this same party would do so on a consistent basis and also be relatively cheerful about it.

Finally, a modern relationship should include a healthy, _large_ set of common interests. As mentioned earlier, common interests can provide the strong glue in a couple suffering from too much frustration, boredom or fatigue. The couple might both be _Star Wars_ buffs or be fanatical about rock climbing. I heard of one long-married couple who both enjoyed squashing insects together. Obviously, I don't recommend that activity for anyone, but it does serve my point. A love of animals or public service can create strong bonds because these activities directly involve the heart and soul of a person. Whatever the intersecting interests, they should be genuinely enjoyed by both parties. By the way, it's never a good idea to fake interest in a subject just to grease the wheels of a budding relationship. Sooner or later, the real disinterest will surface, and it might make for some uncomfortable moments. And, once again, you might be thought of as a liar. Or worse.

WAYS TO MEET POTENTIAL DATING PARTNERS

1. Friends and Family

2. Religious affiliations

3. Work

4. Online dating sites

5. Bars and clubs

6. Random encounters

All of these ways have merit. It has been my experience that online dating offers the seeker the most convenience and the most control. I met my current husband on a popular dating site, and I know of at least two others who have met potential soul mates using the online dating method. However, many men and women shy away from going high-tech. Some reasons include the following:

1. I'm too old.

2. I'm too unattractive and people will make fun of me.

3. I'm not exciting or educated or wealthy enough.

4. Online dating is for losers.

5. Online dating is for shallow people.

6. Creating those profiles is just too much work!

If you decide to use an online dating site, I would recommend the following:

1. Be honest in your profile. Use a current picture of yourself. Give your correct age.

**Reality Bomb #2:** I realize that there are times when you have to do a little fudging, but perhaps use these little white lies sparingly and on basically inconsequential matters. If you misrepresent yourself by lying about your age or how you currently look, the truth will eventually reveal itself and you will come across as a liar, which, of course, will be the truth.

2. Use your online dating service's vetting tools, and then go the extra mile and conduct your own investigation. Purchase an online background check package or hire a private investigator. This also applies to POIs that you meet through family or acquaintances. Ask questions; take notes. Accept nothing at face value. Once upon a time you had the luxury of taking a person at his or her word, but those days are long gone. We live in desperate times where grifting comes in all sizes and colors. **Be awake. Be proactive.**

But before that happens, your greatest source of information about your POI will come from the POI himself/herself. For the moment, please make every attempt to filter out everything else except the following questions:

1. Age?

2. Full name?

3. Profession?

4. Place of employment?

5. Job title?

6. Annual, pretax income?

7. Personal and business debts loads, if any?

8. College or university graduated from?

9. Hobbies?

10. Jail or prison time? (Hey, this is America, after all.)

11. Prior bisexual or gay experiences?

12. The Eternal Triangle

POTENTIAL LANDMINES

I would like to say a few words about Items 10, 11, and 12.

**Item #10—Jail or Prison Time:** Men and women are placed in jail or sentenced to prison for a variety of reasons: drug possession, DUIs, trafficking, embezzlement, aiding and abetting fugitives, unlawful protesting activities, armed robbery, and even murder, etc. Each reason is different and uniquely weighted as a crime against society. Obviously drug possession is on one end of the spectrum and murder is at the other end. Deciding upon whether to accept a POI with legal entanglements will depend upon your own levels of tolerance _and_ your belief system. Some of you will be okay with a DUI, and others will be horrified. A loss of life, whether intentional or accidental, is another matter. In this case, your family, your inner circle, your rabbi or priest, etc., will prove invaluable in helping you make your final decision as to whether or not you can proceed with this person. I believe that in these serious cases, you will closely examine whether the POI has come to terms with their crime(s), has wholly repented, and has made some significant effort to repay society for the harm their actions created.

**Item #11—Prior bisexual or gay experiences** : If your POI reveals that he/she has had intimate feelings for or physical contact with another person of the same sex, then, in my opinion, that POI has no business attempting to enter into a strictly opposite-sex relationship. It isn't fair to the POI nor to you. I recommend that you politely but firmly remove your interest in the POI. But, you may ask, what if that person says that they no longer have those feelings or behaviors? My recommendation would still be the same. It is my firm belief that being gay or straight is _primarily_ a result of hard wiring. I also believe that it can be foisted upon an individual by sexual child abuse or long-term imprisonment. Whichever the case, it remains as a reality for this person. Can this reality be turned off and on like a switch? Honestly, I do not know, but I will relate a story about just such a situation.

A young couple met, fell in love, and married, in spite of the fact that the husband had led a gay lifestyle prior to meeting his wife. They were both active Christians, and they both believed that the Lord had delivered him from his homosexual inclinations. They later begat three children and set about living the American dream. Then, one day the husband briefly abandoned the family and resumed gay relationships. However, he loved his wife and family and returned to them soon thereafter. Unfortunately, he did not return alone. He was now carrying the HIV virus. He did not tell his wife, and soon she became infected. Shortly afterwards, they both developed full-blown AIDS. This occurred several years ago when an AIDS diagnosis was a swift and cruel death sentence. The couple spent many frantic days and nights feverishly begging fellow church members to take in their young children as they did not want them ending up in government foster care when they died.

Albeit that's a worst-case scenario. But it happened.

**Reality Bomb #3: The Golden Age of the Internet and smart phones did** not **magically banish deadly viruses from society! THEY ARE STILL OUT THERE, WAITING TO INFECT AND DESTROY THE LIFE OF ANY LIVING HOST.** HIV and the virus that causes Hepatitis C as well as the cancer-causing HPV (human papilloma virus) are all alive and well and still living in millions of Americans. Let's not forget the newcomers either. The Zika virus, the ebola virus and sexually transmissible Lyme disease (a bacterial infection) are the new and horrible kids on the block. And we still have the old standby afflictions—herpes, gonorrhea and syphilis—to deal with. Add to that bubbling cauldron of doom the fact that for many Americans consistent health care and permanent housing are things of the distant past. Now, you have potentially _tens_ of millions of people serving as incubators to apocalyptic-grade germs. It is imperative that we _all_ remain vigilant about our health. If you are thinking about entering into a long-term relationship with a POI, please have yourself tested for these viruses BEFORE marriage, especially if either of you has been sexually intimate with another person twelve months prior or less, OR if either of you has traveled outside the United States within the past five years. I then recommend that individuals wait at least nine months before taking a second set of tests to make sure that both parties are disease free _. I also recommend that the period of time between the first and second set of tests be spent enjoying non-coitus activities._ Yes, this will be a nerve-wracking period of time, but once it is over, you and your POI will be free to take your love and affection for each other to the next level.

**Reality Bomb #4:** I also recommend that virgins have themselves tested before committing to long-term relationships that will involve sexual intimacy. HIV, HPV, and Hepatitis C can be present in improperly sterilized dental and medical instruments. ( **Tip** : Make sure that your dental office regularly uses an **autoclave** to sterilize all of their equipment.)

Item #12—The Eternal Triangle:

Oftentimes relationships come with a third member. It could be one of the following:

• Another person (an ex, children, parents)

• A job

• A career

• Religion

• Pets

• An addiction:

\- Alcoholism

\- Drugs

\- Pornography

My experiences with triangles is that they rarely work themselves out into healthy relationships between just two people. Somehow, that third member is almost always an intractable obstacle that also has a powerful protective shield built around it. Unfortunately, this force field has usually been created and pressed into service by the POI himself/herself. Even if they expend significant and seemingly sincere efforts to deny this or display genuine attempts to ameliorate the situation, have no doubt that they are in fact assisting in keeping that third member of your triangle in the picture. The reasons may vary—guilt, unresolved emotional ties, love, boredom, immaturity, passivity, emotional laziness—and the POI may not even be consciously aware of their co-authorship of the triangle. However, the outcome of such a situation is usually the same: The triangle wins.

My personal recommendation is that a person facing the Eternal Triangle run and not walk in the opposite direction AFTER stating your concerns to the POI and then politely presenting this ultimatum, "It's either me or Rover, beloved," and finally, being prepared to possibly get the heave-ho. However, it takes a lot of strength (and perhaps too little wisdom) to abandon an otherwise satisfactory partnership solely based upon just one problem, albeit a large one. Therefore, I will amend this recommendation by saying that if you truly believe that your relationship with the POI has real 'legs' and that it can withstand this type of external pressure, then by all means go for it! Generally, you have little to lose and much to gain.

* * *

WHAT DOES A TYPICAL MALE DESIRE IN A MODERN RELATIONSHIP?

Surprisingly, that list hasn't changed much over the past fifty years. Your typical American male probably desires the following items in a serious relationship:

• Peace (no persistent drama)

• Regular, home-cooked meals (preferably tasty and creatively served)

• A clean household

• Intercourse on demand (within the guidelines of marriage _and_ within reason)

• A partner who does not wear make-up, socks, sweatshirts, or "granny panties" to bed

• A female who is not completely dependent upon him for 100% of the following: companionship, happiness, entertainment, money

• A female who will allow him the freedom to be himself (moral and legal boundaries need to be applied here)

• A life with a partner that has had mind-game playing, manipulative behavior and viciousness _subtracted_ from their playbooks. In other words, they want a decent girl that they can admire and trust.

Ladies, does this seem one-sided? Well, it isn't. You, too, can demand these same things... just as long as you are willing to cheerfully give them in return.

Of all the items that I have just listed, the first four are probably the most important. Read and re-read this list, and think about what that means. If you were raised in a household where emotional (or even physical) chaos was present or even the norm, then you will have no organic idea as to what I'm talking about.

If your parents were too busy or too unmotivated to keep your environment tidy, then you will have only a passing acquaintance with what an orderly household should look like... perhaps when you visited a friend who had a "neat freak" for a parent, or your first few hours' stay at a reputable hotel. In an ideal world, that "neat freak" and that hotel room are the norm. That is what your household should look like on a fairly regular basis. The dishes should be washed and put away, the tables wiped and cleared of extraneous items (books, magazines, phones); the meals should be served at a regular time and on hard plates, not paper. The common areas—the living room, the family room, the dining room, and the guest bath— should be neat and orderly. And peace should reign. No blaring TV sets or music. No excessive phone chatter. Have soft, warm lighting in the relaxing places, and please use "inside voices" whenever possible.

The fourth item on this list is not a green light for a partner to abuse the gift of sexual intimacy, nor to violate one's comfort zone or even the law. Its intent is that a partner should be ever mindful of their partner's needs and be willing to accommodate them whenever possible, within reason. And again, please! No curlers, socks, or granny panties in the bedroom! It is a major turnoff for most men.

Let's return to the first item on the list: peace. If you did not experience a peaceful and nourishing atmosphere while growing up, here's where your journey to new frontiers begins. First, peace at home is normal and should be the norm. Your dwelling place should be a sanctuary for all who live there. Good examples of 'communal peace' are libraries on a Tuesday morning, Catholic churches during mass, or hot tub and sauna establishments.

In addition, try watching TV sitcoms from the fifties, sixties, seventies and eighties. Cornball comedies such as _That Girl,_ _The Beverly Hillbillies,_ _Happy_ _Days_ , _Eight Is Enough_ , _The Mary Tyler Show_ , _All in the Family, Full House_ and _Seinfeld_ were cleverly crafted morality tales designed to not only entertain but to instruct their viewers about how to resolve everyday problems in marriage, family and good-friend settings through active listening, unconditional love ( **free love** ), non-judgmental correction, and swift, nonviolent problem solving. Yes, the material is dated, the fashions ridiculous, and the problems myopic and tame by today's standards, but these old videos still embody the finest American ideals for sound family-unit making, and they bear paying close attention to during these times.

WHAT DOES A TYPICAL FEMALE DESIRE IN A MODERN RELATIONSHIP?

I have lived on this planet _and_ in the United States of America for more than fifty years. I have witnessed at least three distinct generations of women during that time: Baby Boomers, Generation Xers, and Millennials. I have come to the conclusion that what all of these groups of females desire in a relationship may include:

• Love from her man

• Attention from her man

• Vast amounts of emotional support from her man

• Intelligence and a good sense of humor in her man

• The ability to feel admiration and respect for her man

• Happiness in her relationship

• Financial security (that she is more than willing to work for herself)

• A diamond engagement ring

• A large and fun wedding wearing a show-stopper wedding dress to ensure maximum attention

• A fabulous honeymoon at some exotic location

• A large house in a good neighborhood with excellent schools

• Children and pets

Now, notice what I did _not_ include:

• A man with great wealth

• A man that is extremely good looking

• A man that is tall

• A man with lots of power and influence.

American women are many things: hard workers, brave, attractive and fit, bitchy, demanding, immodest, hard-headed, and sometimes merciless. But basically, most of them require little more than love, attention, kindness, and help with the housework in their romantic dealings. Yes, that is simplifying things a bit, but... I have deduced that the common denominator in their deciding what man to marry has less to do with how he looks or how large his paycheck is than who he is as a person, how supportive he is, his sense of humor (does he make her laugh and is she able to make him laugh?), how he treats others and animals, and how much energy and time he is willing to put into helping out around the house.

HOW TO GO ABOUT SELECTING A MATE

Take as much time as you need to prepare yourself to enter a serious relationship. Believe me when I say that you might be entering the single-most important contract in your life should marriage result.

**Reality Bomb #5:** During this time of preparation, lose those ten pounds; quit drinking booze to excess; stop being a bitch, a jerk or a maniac to anyone who is not your superior in rank. Control your bipolar episodes or abandon them all together. Get the right meds, lay off the sugar, stop using anger as your spear and your shield, and quit the apathy and indifference to the suffering that you see around you. Don't wallow in it or decide to become Pope Francis or Mother Theresa, but stop ignoring it. You deaden your soul and can appear like a high-functioning zombie to potential partners. A _little_ bit of clarity and compassion for your fellow countrymen and women can go a long way.

In addition, update your wardrobe, hair, and makeup as much as possible without giving in to unwholesome trends that will cast your appearance in a negative light, or that may be out of style within six months. When in doubt, dress for success using the classic styles. Mr. Joshua Karlen has written a book titled _Indispensable Guide to Classic Men's Clothing_ (available on Amazon.com) that gives the average male plenty of sartorial jerky to chew through. For the women, there is a website called "Elegant Woman: Timeless Grace and Poise for the Everyday Woman." This site can be viewed at www.elegantwoman.org.

Gentlemen, while it may be difficult to see past the tee-shirt-and-jeans millionaires and celebrities that you see daily on the Internet, it is possible to do so. The ability to dress appropriately for any occasion is a valuable tool in your social toolkit. Please take this advice to heart and apply it to your life.

Ladies, the idea of being considered a 'lady' is not a psychological Hell beast that's going to drag you down into pre-suffrage days. Honing your manners, having a distinctive dressing style, a graceful walk, or wielding a winsome smile will garner positive marks from almost anyone—male or female. In spite of our commitment to conformity and humility, Americans still like to be subtly dazzled by a winning personality. That's why celebrities still catch our eyes. Charm and grace have not flown out the window. Nor has polite sexiness. Why do you think that books and posters of Jackie Kennedy, Princess Diana, and Marilyn Monroe still sell? These women were gorgeous, sexy, fabulously successful WOMEN. Why not be one of them, too?

To that end, a proper lady NEVER discusses three things in public (and oftentimes not even in private unless asked): sex, politics, and religion. While it's good to have strong opinions about matters, it's even better to keep them to yourself. They are your own thoughts, and honestly no one is going to really care that much about them outside of yourself. My advice would be to express them once when asked and then drop it. It _is_ a way of muzzling oneself, but in this case, as in many cases I've discovered over the years, silence is indeed golden!

# FOUNDATION

The definition of the word **foundation** is as follows: " _Noun... 2. An underlying basis or principle for something."_ (Oxford Dictionaries, 6-18-16)

Seeker of Love, know thyself!

Who are you? Do you know?

Figure 1: Photo by Dreamstime

What is your culture or ethnicity? **Which culture or ethnicity do you identify with the most?**

Figure 2: Photo by Dreamstime

What do you look like? **Are you average or attractive?**

Figure 3: Photo by Dreamstime

Are you tall, short, or "just right?" How do you feel about your height? **Your weight?**

Figure 4: Photo by Dreamstime

Figure 5: Photo by Dreamstime

**Do you** like **yourself?**

Do you genuinely like people outside of your inner circle (parents, siblings, close friends and pets), or are you just pretending?

Are you insecure about your level of intelligence or physical abilities?

**Would you call yourself basically angry, sad, or neutral about life?** Are you book smart or street smart? Or both?

What are your strengths? **What are your** real **weaknesses? You know... the ones that you don't even discuss with yourself?**

Would you (jokingly?) call yourself a borderline _schmuck_ or psycho?

**Do you have any trauma points?** If so, what are they? What are their triggers?

Are you comfortable about where you come from? Your family? **Your culture?** Your hometown? Your nationality?

How do you feel about being born a male?

How do you feel about being born a female?

All of these questions are extremely important, but perhaps those questions that are highlighted are more _foundational_ as they pertain to how you feel about your most fundamental characteristics (physicality, temperament, and personal preferences), the qualities that you cannot easily change. Such inquiries lead to a person's deep-seated feelings about these "built-in" features. If these feelings are exposed, then the person can peer into the mysterious workings of the _hidden self_ , the self that drives the _public self_. These foundation questions can also serve as the underpinnings for the remaining questions.

Please stop here and re-read ALL of these questions. Then, spend the next five or six days thinking about your _honest_ responses to them. If you have a trusted friend or relative, print out a copy of these questions and have him or her ask you each question _twice_. Answer as truthfully as possible. If your answers are too private or too revealing, get a pen and a piece of paper and write them down. Don't show them to anyone, but do read them. Twice! If you don't have anyone who can help you with this, then ask these questions out loud. If other questions occur to you, ask them as well.

_Why is this recommended?_ It is recommended because many of us really don't know ourselves as well as we believe we do. We operate our lives from **cliff notes** on life that our family and our culture seem to slip to us at birth. It reads something like this:

1. Appear friendly, especially to potential enemies.

2. Be fit.

3. Get good grades.

4. Be confident and competitive.

5. Be extremely brave.

6. Get a good job, making good pay.

7. Play fair.

8. Get married.

9. Move to a good neighborhood with good schools.

10. Adopt a dog that won't cause legal hassles.

11. If trapped in a dodgy neighborhood for too long, adopt a dog that might cause legal hassles.

12. Have two children before age thirty or forty.

13. Stay fit, even if you must become a drug addict to do so.

14. Stay young looking, no matter what the cost.

After you become an autonomous adult, your cliff notes give birth to a _second set_ of cliff notes. These you have constructed yourself:

1. I will ask the LORD for help when all else is failing.

2. Fathers are more interesting than mothers.

3. Parents are essentially walking ATM machines.

4. Mothers are more interesting than fathers.

5. Eating chocolate to excess is essentially a good thing.

6. It is cool and enjoyable to drink 24-oz. cans of ice-cold beer from paper bags, ghetto style.

7. When you feel let down by people or events, throw a vicious tantrum until you feel better. It doesn't really matter who gets hurt.

8. Work at a task until you are almost blind from lack of sleep.

9. Do not truly like or trust anyone other than your dog/horse/ iPhone/recliner.

10. Zombies are bad for the environment.

11. Ignore anything that disturbs your peace of mind for too long. That includes riots, wars, plagues, global warming, famines, droughts, Planet X, cringe-worthy coworkers, psychotic neighbors, off-the-reservation relatives and near-earth asteroids.

Our cliff notes become the shorthand that we quickly learn to live by. Often, by the time we are in our twenties, these personal rules and regulations have become commandments, rigid and unbreakable. Actually, we need cliff notes. Few of us have the luxury to spirit ourselves away to a private island and contemplate life, the universe, and everything. Like newborn deer, young humans are up and trying to outrun ignorance, poverty, and anonymity not too long after learning to walk. Not to mention real dangers. Survival even in the asphalt jungle can be a minute-to-minute process, so we need an easy reference guide, not some five-hundred-page treatise. These reference guides, time-tested by successful generations from the before-times, become a kind of autopilot, allowing us to take tiny risks, have the occasional adventure, even make mistakes that would otherwise prove disastrous if we did not have the guides' frame of reference to steer us back on course.

But reference guides also serve as a barrier... between what we desire and what we _truly_ desire. We are all familiar with accounts of doctors who secretly wanted to spend their lives doing standup comedy. Or of lawyers who always dreamt of becoming an astronaut. Or of men who always knew that they were sexually attracted to other males but who married women anyway because a heterosexual marriage was a better match with his parents' cliff notes. Having the cliff notes—the reference guide—to life means that a person does not have to scratch the surface too hard to find the real motivations behind their choices. Most of us realize that deep down inside of our psyches we have a great deal of unresolved, icky stuff mucking up the place. But we have neither the time nor the inclination to stop and take a good, hard look. We allow the reference guide barrier (RGB) to cut us off from all of that nasty business... from what we are truly feeling about our loved ones, our communities, our governments, and especially ourselves. Our inner selves (who we truly are) become cut off from our public selves. Without _helpful_ **professional therapy** or some life-altering event, by the time we reach forty we have lost track of who we are and why we are.

At this point you may ask, "If the cliff notes can get me through my life okay, then why do I need to 'know myself?'" The answer is simple: You purchased this manual to gain some insight on how to undertake perhaps the most valuable partnership in your existence here on earth: sharing your love life with another human being. If you do not know yourself, then you may be walking into this endeavor blind. If you are not aware of what really causes you joy, pain, anger, insecurity, envy, jealousy, peace, agitation, conviction... then how can you successfully interact with another person whom you also do not know? The blind leading the blind usually ends up with both parties thrashing around in a ditch.

Please make the attempt to learn more about yourself. It will help you and those who are going to love you one day.

Seeker of Love, heal thyself!

Three types of healing processes will now be briefly discussed. (For a more in-depth analysis on self-healing, and in particular healing from sexual abuse and healing from psychological injuries, please peruse your nearest well-stocked library and check out as many books and articles on these topics as you can.)

1. **Emotional Injuries** (feeling rejected from loved ones or peers; unhealthy expectations from self, loved ones, or peers; grief due to some personal loss or heartbreak).

2. **Spiritual Injuries** (PTSD; crisis of faith, feeling rejected or abandoned by God or by temple or church members; significant abuse, negligence, or deception by family members or other loved ones; extreme and

inconsolable grief due to some personal loss).

3. **Physical Injuries** (physical injuries from accidents or attacks; disease; the natural decline in the body's ability to repair itself as it advances in age).

**Healing from emotional injuries:** Emotional injuries can be the easiest and sometimes the hardest of the three types of wounds to heal because they typically involve the **ego**. Emotional injuries can assault our sense of **self**. After all, most of us secretly consider _ourselves_ to be the true heroes and heroines in life. An emotional wound can force us to realize that we are not invincible... or even particularly venerated by others. The experience can be both painful and humbling.

True healing (and not ignoring the pain _or_ denying its existence) can be a simple process of applying some period of time to repeated and progressively objective reviews of the event that caused the injury in the first place (unless they are too traumatic to even think about, let alone replay again in the mind).

_Time_ allows us to process the unpleasantness surrounding the injury. People who are emotionally injured suffer from mild shock, despair, deep insult, fury, mental pain, and the urge to entertain vengeance schemes. Most of us require time to suffer through these altered states, quell them, and then finally desire a rebalancing in our outlooks.

Affording yourself the opportunity to review the event(s) that originally caused the emotional injury allows an instant replay where you can examine the play and the players and form theories about each one's motivations. If a replay can be done—and accurately done, without embellishment or consistently casting yourself as the victim and the other players as the perpetrators—then you may be able to determine how or why the injurious event occurred, whether or not an action or inaction by yourself precipitated the event, whether the event could have been avoided or delayed, the true seriousness of the event and whether a positive lesson can be learned from the entire experience.

**Healing from spiritual injuries** : Please allow me to now fill in some details about my aforementioned 'drama-filled life.'

Up until the age of twenty-six, my life had been pretty mundane. My childhood had been unremarkable but stable. I had two loving parents, three engaging siblings, and a love for animals and the outdoors. Our family suffered extreme poverty for several years, but through hard work and the kindnesses of many caring and proactive strangers, we triumphed and became more appreciative people. I married young and we had a son. That marriage did not last long, and soon I was engaged to another man. William[2] was a modern Renaissance Man. A musician who had once found himself in a band that scored a Top 40 hit in the seventies and who once jammed with Jimi Hendrix on stage, he had decided to forgo the chase for music superstardom and hunker down and get a good day job. He worked his way through college and graduated from San Francisco State University with a degree in math. Full of ambition, he went to work for a high-tech company in Silicon Valley and quickly worked his way up from draftsman to mechanical engineer. He learned to fly and obtained his private flying license. He hand-built his first home, the only two-story hexagonal house in San Francisco. Then he set about accomplishing his next goal: building his own airplane from a KR-2 airplane kit. The man was a dynamo.

As if his professional achievements weren't enough, William was also tall, well-built and striking, with large hazel eyes and the kind of long, sooty eyelashes that are the envy of women everywhere. He possessed a deep _basso profondo_ voice that commanded attention and respect both at work and at home. At the foundation of all of this talent resided a simple and surprisingly humble spirit that practiced goodwill toward his fellow man and woman, while exhibiting an innocent, playful humor about life. His life had never been exactly easy, but he never complained about it or blamed others for the tough times. Instead he threw himself one hundred percent into fashioning his own unique vision for living the American dream.

William was also a great lover of children. Unfortunately, doctors had told him that his sperm were malformed and incapable of carrying out their duties. He did not become bitter but instead began to form plans to adopt three boys from American orphanages. He grew up being very close and engaged with his own three brothers, and I believe that he wanted to duplicate those wonderful times for a new generation of men. In the meantime, he fell head over heels in love with my young son and became (in almost every way) his second father. This was a blessing because my son did not enjoy a good relationship with my ex-husband, his father. Thankfully, even my ex-husband was extremely impressed with William and never hesitated to allow him to visit our son at his home or stop by to take him to various outings. (And yes, we kept close eyes on their friendship for any signs of unhealthy motivations.) All was well. Five years into our relationship William proposed marriage to me and I accepted.

At the age of twenty-six I received a phone call from a man who began the conversation by saying that he was an old friend of my mother. I knew all of my mother's friends - in fact, many of her friends had become my lifelong friends - and so this was not an extraordinary thing. Midway through our chat he informed me that he (and not the man whom I believed was my father) was my father. That shock got the ball rolling downhill from there.

Two years later I began hearing voices, and within months I was battling full blown **paranoid schizophrenia**. Our lives turned upside down, and by my thirtieth birthday, my life had officially entered what I correctly coined "The Twilight Zone." One year later, my Renaissance Man called my mother and let her know that he could no longer be in my life. I was thunderstruck and so very hurt, but I understood. I was unraveling, and he had an active and demanding life to keep going. So I had to pack up my belongings and move clear across the county to New York to move in with my parents, leaving my bewildered twelve-year-old son behind and to fend for himself.

I will not bore you with the details here. Suffice it to say, severe mental illness places a heavy brake on the good times in one's life. Although I was struggling to remain in the work force with temp jobs, my mental situation was dire. At one point, I remember asking my mother to help me kill myself. She was a private duty nurse and could have gained access to the right drug combination to do the job. However, she declined my request and my life lurched on.

At the end of my first year in New York, I sensed that my parents were becoming frustrated with my being back in the nest. So, I moved once again—this time to my grandparents' home in East Texas. That stay lasted four years. Within that time, our family lost two crucial members to cancer and AIDS, my grandmother developed Alzheimer's, and my son (who was fourteen by then) experienced an unprovoked attack by a gang of boys while waiting at a bus stop to catch a ride to school. He was kicked repeatedly in the head and knocked unconsciousness. Within months of this assault, he began having grand mal seizures. I was able to travel to California and spend some time with him. I took him to the doctor who confirmed that he had epilepsy and would have to be on anti-seizure medication for the rest of his life. It was a very bad blow for us, but I'm so thankful that I was there to offer comfort to him during this particularly hurtful time in his young life. Unfortunately, I could not stay in California at that time, and I had to return to Texas. Soon thereafter, my son ran away from the growing contentiousness that had been growing between him and his father and moved in with his also fourteen-year-old girlfriend and her mother. It wasn't long before I received a life-altering phone call from my son letting me know that his girlfriend had become pregnant and that he was the father. She gave birth to a healthy daughter five months later.

Life rolled onward, bringing with it more bitter and the occasional sweet. At that point, I felt permanently trapped in my grandmother's house with no real hope of returning to California and to a real life.

Then, almost two years after the brutal attack on my son, he called me to say that William had had a massive heart attack and was in the hospital. I knew that my son wanted me to be there to help him ride out this latest disaster. I contacted my mother (another avid William fan), and she served as intermediary between William and myself. Through subsequent conversations, I learned that he had married another woman and that he had miraculously fathered a child with her. I also learned that the marriage was not a good one and that the people around William were concerned for his well-being while he recuperated. My mother purchased my airplane ticket out of Texas, and I flew back to California to discretely be near him should his marital situation deteriorate and he require assistance. It did, and soon I found myself serving as his full-time caregiver.

It seems that William had suffered a massive heart attack _and_ a stroke, and had actually died before the paramedics could arrive to revive him. Unfortunately, too much time had elapsed between his death and resuscitation, and he suffered a severe anoxic brain injury. His brain had sustained permanent damage due to a prolonged lack of oxygen. Overnight, the larger-than-life man whom we once knew, loved, and greatly admired for his stunning intellect and amazing abilities became a raging zombie without _any_ memory of the previous forty years of his life. As the magnitude of this loss began to settle around us like a thick, heavy blanket, my mental illness also raged on and doubled the emotional turmoil that everyone was feeling. Now it seemed as if my entire family had entered The Twilight Zone.

The one good thing was that I was able to reconnect with my son. But, I soon discovered that while we had faithfully remained in touch with each other by phone during my four-year absence, we now barely knew each other. He was now a young man and a father, and he was entering his second year of high school. We did some neat mom-and-son things, but there was now a rather large emotional chasm between us that I could do little to close.

The fact that William, the man whom he had come to regard as his true father, was now in serious trouble did little to help things. The man whom he and I knew as William was gone, and a new grim character had emerged and was shambling aimlessly about in his place. He had lost decades of long-term memory, and his short-term memory was almost nonexistent. Every six months or so he would suddenly remember the death of his beloved mother (her death had taken place three years prior to his heart attack) and would go through the grieving process. He did this at least three times. He remembered my son and me and his own biological son but had no memories of us. When a person sustains a brain injury of that severity, their personality literally dies along with those irreplaceable brain cells, and a new fractured and _bizarro_ personality takes its place. I kept waiting for any semblance of the old William to peek around the corners of this ghastly incarnation, _but it never did._ The William that we had known was gone forever. This back-from-the-dead version of him was just his animated corpse, trying to make the best of a life that it could no longer understand. His faith in God was the only thing that he had carried intact from his old life into his new one, and it served to torment him. In really low times he would ask out loud, "Why would God do this to me?" Of course, I had no answers for him.

His wife filed for divorce and sued him for both child support and alimony. She was twenty years his junior and healthy as an ox. He was in his mid-fifties and had lost the ability to read or write or even think coherently. Naturally, the family court judge generously granted both of her requests. By then, his only income was long-term disability, and these two judgments began to take a terrible toll on his finances. After the judge's decision, I temporarily lost all faith in our judicial system and—by easy extension—faith in humanity. Trust me when I say that is a bad place to find yourself in. Our nation is built upon fine laws and the fair and just application of them. Seeing them warped for political purposes or because of some personal bias that defies hard facts was unconscionable to me.

In my darkest hours, I felt that God had presented me with another set of dark hours. I did not feel abandoned by God; I felt _hated_ by God.

At that time, my parents were providing full-time care for my grandmother, who was in the last stages of Alzheimer's disease—while they both worked full-time jobs. Because my grandmother's feeding tube would regularly clog, it required attention every two hours or she would begin to choke on the backed up food. This meant that my parents could not sleep any longer than two consecutive hours. My mother, who was not a complainer, started to say, "If only I could get more sleep." The lack of sleep began to sap her energy. I began to pray that God would grant my mother the time to sleep. I prayed this prayer a lot with a real sense of urgency.

Three months later my mother dropped dead from a heart attack.

I could almost hear a voice chuckling in my head _. "I have given her the eternal sleep. Happy now?"_

I was incredulous. I now felt responsible for my own mother's death. I had only wanted her to be able to get a good night's rest, and now the most influential person in my life was gone forever.

I believe that I suffered spiritually during this period of my life. Having to make your way through life surrounded by so much unrelenting darkness causes you to hate your life. You spend your waking hours in a state of shock (I remember repeatedly asking myself, "How in the world did things get this awful?") and in a constant state of gnawing fear, dreading the next phone call from a family member. And remember, no matter the number of traumas life is making you grind through, the unpaid bills always remain the one constant. The financial worries became my faithful but unwanted companions. Again, I struggled at various temp jobs to help make ends meet.

I was living a real nightmare and I knew it, but I also knew that I had to persevere. I insisted on carving out my times of rest where I could indulge in those activities that brought me happiness. I kept up with my core needs: staying fit, keeping my hair done, keeping the house clean, preparing tasty and nutritious meals, taking classes at our city's fine public junior college, honing my fiction writing skills, and attending high-energy church services when I could. (God may have become my enemy, but I had _not_ become His.) I refused to let depression or despair overtake me; whenever I felt a down mood coming on I'd jump up and sing and dance to my favorite pop songs ('N Sync and Britney Spears were favorites), watch a favorite movie or TV show, or just take a long walk down an attractive street.

William's anger levels slowly began to normalize, and for a while we all managed to settle into a manageable routine. And by pure chance, I experienced a miracle in my own life. After William suffered a particularly violent outburst while being treated by an ER physician, he was prescribed the anti-anxiety drug Ativan to calm him down. The effect on him was breathtaking. One moment he was a frantic monster, and the next he was as poised and pleased as a Brit during high tea. I took one of the pills myself and I, too, was immediately transformed. My mental disorder did not go away (I was still being ruled by intelligent but malevolent voices), but the sheer rawness of the experience simply vanished. Literally within a minute of taking that tiny pill, the intensity levels of almost eight years of nonstop psychological torture had been dialed back by about seventy-five percent. It was a real miracle of science, and I'm still so very thankful for it.

Eventually, we all arrived on the other side of that deep valley. But my simple and linear faith in God had suffered an impact with a heretofore unknown reality: Whereas before my concept of the Almighty as being a distant but loving father somewhere on the other side of the Universe had now been dilated to include the possibility that He was a far more complex being, and one who existed a _lot_ closer to home. I remember reading from the Book of Job (from the Holy Bible) and I saw myself (and my son and William) reflected in his trials. Why, indeed, would a loving God put a person through so much difficulty... difficulties over which they had little or no control? My experiences during this Dark Age allowed me to feel like a victim of God rather than a wanted child of God. My belief in His existence persisted, but my attitude toward the Almighty had permanently shifted. I would tell people, "I believe that God _is_ love. But He's many other things, too." If nothing else, the past eight years of my life had certainly brought that lesson home, time and time again.

That realization represented a **spiritual wound** for me because it greatly conflicted with the loving and benevolent adaptation of Him that modern Christianity continually espouses. However, my new interpretation of the Almighty also forced me to develop a more practical understanding about how God and faith _may_ sometimes work in a person's life. That gnawing feeling that a person's relationship with God might be closer to a cat-and-mouse scenario was unsettling, but it did not mean that the cat's _only_ desire was to toy with the mouse before consuming it. I also saw a consistent positive side to God's intervention in my life: I was being made physically stronger, less self-reliant, and more adept at working outside of my comfort zone. I also believe that I saw that the Creator did not view human struggles in strictly black or white terms. If the devil was in the details, then God's residence was perhaps in the gray areas. This realization then allowed me to glean a positive lesson from those awful times: _The bad season happens to many people—whether they be 'good' or 'bad.' And it may be God's way of requiring your attention because He either wants you (or someone close to you) to stop doing something or He wants you (or someone close to you) to start doing something._[3] In my case, I believe that ultimately He wanted me to stop praying so much for my own personal needs and to start praying for the safety and wellbeing of my neighbors, as well as for His guidance over elected officials. That sounds strange, doesn't it? Actually, for me it wasn't. Having spent many summer months with family and friends in East Texas as a child, I knew that many of these so-called "simple" country folk devoted much prayer asking that God help President Kennedy or President Nixon or President Carter to wisely complete their duties on behalf of the entire nation. Praying for one's neighbors was something entirely new to me... in practice. Remember: Job's life began to turn around for the better after God instructed him to begin to pray for his neighbors. So, if you ever get into a real jam... !

If you can obtain positive and useful knowledge from intense suffering, then you can tell yourself that the experience was somehow worth it, at least from a pragmatic perspective. And when you can tell yourself that and actually believe it, the real healing of the spirit begins.

**Healing from physical injuries:** The liberal application of time, rest, excellent medical care, supportive family members and/or friends, physical therapy, and a healthy and optimistic outlook on life are the best balms for physical ills. Always remember that even though there's a dark cloud temporarily parked over your situation, that does not mean that the sun isn't shining brightly in a thousand other nearby locations. Continually seek out those sunny places, and rest and recuperate there whenever possible. It will help!

Seeker of love, love thyself!

There are many, many books on how to learn to love yourself. I would bet that ninety percent are written by credentialed individuals with a keen desire to help others learn to accept and appreciate themselves. My advice: spend a solid month or two reading as many of them as you can! If you don't mind the religious overtones, _The Power of Positive Thinking_ by Norman Vincent Peale is an excellent start. Yes, the man probably lived during the Jurassic Age, but his advice is timeless. _Cosmo_ magazine can always be counted on to deliver salacious articles about how to learn to love yourself (and others!). Also, many men and women find a basis for having strong, positive feelings about themselves in the holy scriptures. John 3:16 is a good start:

For God so loved the world, that He gave his only Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have eternal life.

Leviticus 19:18 is extremely important.

Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the Lord.

Apart from the fact that the intended audience was the ancient Hebrew people, this commandment seems to be unqualified. It does not imply:

Love thy neighbor as thyself IF you are the wealthiest person within a fifty-mile radius.

Or:

Love thyself as thy neighbor IF you are insanely popular, good looking, and have graduated summa cum laude from UCLA's graduate film program.

No! It is now a commandment for _anyone_ who reads the Bible: the homeless, the imprisoned, the rejected, the envied, the abandoned, the blonde and blue-eyed, the venerated, the courageous, and the great average, un-muscled masses! We all have the legal right and the moral obligation to love ourselves. But first, it is recommended that a person _like_ oneself. Ask yourself that question now. **"Do I like myself?"** Try to see past the RGB. Then ask yourself, **"Am I likable?"** If nothing definitive leaps up at you other than the RGB's default response, **"I'm not perfect, but I'm okay,"** here are some tips. Let's use a mental "Pros" versus "Cons" table:

1. If you are over the age of eighteen and have had someone from your immediate family (or a close friend or mentor) express pride in you for some accomplishment, then place a checkmark under the "Pros" column.

2. If you are at least thirty years of age and have not been convicted of a felony crime, then place a checkmark under the "Pros" column.

3. If children and animals don't run away from you, place another checkmark under the "Pros" column.

4. If you have ever assisted someone in real need without expecting anything in return, then place a final checkmark under the "Pros" column.

That's a rather simple test, isn't it?

If you were able to line up all of your checkmarks in the "Pros" column, there is a high probability that you are likable. Setting goals and achieving them demonstrates an ability to strategize and follow through. These are admirable qualities. Not letting the dark forces in life seduce you into criminal activity shows that you have a basic understanding of law and order and of bad decisions and their consequences. Again, these are desirable qualities. It is thought that small children and animals can sense oddities in human behavior long before that odd behavior presents itself. So the fact that little ones and puppies aren't running screaming into the streets when in your presence speaks volumes.

Helping a fellow human being in distress without thought of compensation is not as common as you would think. Some of us will help another believing that "God will bless me for this." Or we may think, "They don't have to repay me, but if I ever need a big favor, then they'd better come through!" That is conditional giving and (perhaps) really not in the proper spirit of the transaction. But if you have helped someone—a man, a woman, a child, a soldier or his or her family, an abandoned pet—and honestly felt that the looks of surprise and relief on their faces were payment enough, then you are in a transcended class of being. That's quite a desirable position!

If you see some fraction of yourself in these last few paragraphs, then you are very likely looking at a likable person. Therefore, go ahead and like yourself!

If you were not able to place every mark under the "Pros" column, formulate a game plan for making course corrections immediately. If you have the ability and the opportunity, then it's never too late to make positive changes in your behavior. Even if you could not place a 'pro' checkmark in response to the second question (felony conviction), it is never too late to attempt to right a wrong. If you have hurt people with your actions, do something about it! If possible, write letters of apology to those individuals. If the hurt party is deceased, direct the apology to the next of kin. If you are a religious or spiritual person, ask God for His forgiveness. The next step is repentance. To repent means to forsake a particular way of thinking or behaving and to promise to not do it again. Once you've gotten this far, you should feel some observable relief. Even if you are just going through the motions, I believe that some of the psychic burden of guilt and doom will be lifted from you. Another excellent step would be to join a twelve-step recovery group, since many anti-social acts against the public can be traced back to drug and alcohol abuse, or to mental illness. Naturally, the underlying causes for the drug and alcohol abuse—and even some of the mental illnesses—need to be ferreted out as well. Please seek the advice of a board-certified mental health professional for guidance in this matter.

Lastly, just tell yourself this at least once a week: "I'm not perfect, but I'm working on it!" In doing so, you take one more tiny step towards appreciating and loving **you.**

**Special note #4:** Most Americans know how to love. The act of loving is not one of our problems. We love those who abuse us, ignore us, diminish us, hate us, and generally wish us ill. We also love our families and our neighbors. We spend billions of dollars each year on our pets—keeping them safe, clean, and blissful well beyond their natural lifespans. (FYI: I believe that human-pet relationships can harbor one of the purest strains of love. The human has no expectation of material or financial gain in maintaining the animal's life, and loyalty and love are the only bargaining chips that the animal brings to the table.) So our ability to love isn't the problem. The problem arises when it comes time to turn that golden spotlight of gooey goodness upon ourselves. We just cannot do it... at least not in a direct way. One reason for refuting the love of self is that it may appear to be at odds with our cherished concepts of **humility** and **public servitude**. Our society is organized around the goal of placing the needs of others before our own. It's one of the things that makes this a pleasant nation to live in. Or we may view such self-affirming actions as **narcissistic** , which is probably the one character fault that almost all modern cultures abhor. Naturally, we cannot abandon our ideals. But we can learn to include ourselves in that golden spotlight. In this manner we, too, can be regenerated and refreshed.

# PREPARATION

The definition of the word **preparation** is as follows: _"Noun. 1. The action or process of making ready or being made ready for use or consideration."_ (Oxford Dictionaries, 6-18-16)

If you are about to take a long road trip you must first do the following:

1. Have a destination in mind.

2. Plot your course to that destination and compute the time that it will take to reach that destination.

3. Determine your budget for the trip.

4. Make all of the desired reservations (rental car or rental RV, hotels, or campgrounds).

5. Acquire and pack all of your traveling gear.

6. Relay your travel plans to friends or family members.

Planning for a romantic relationship is a similar process. You must first choose your destination. In this case, you hope to end up with the following:

a. With a girlfriend or a boyfriend;

b. In a committed partnership with a great guy or gal who will provide companionship and emotional support;

c. In a marriage.

How will you find that special person? Family or friend connections? A matchmaker? Online dating? Prayer? Random encounters? What is your budget and how long will you search? What will you take into any potential relationship? Who amongst your tribe can serve as your cheerleader and dispatcher as you move from one dating encounter to the next?

As you ponder these questions, may I offer the following advice as you prepare for the most fascinating journey of your life here on earth?

**Have your own stuff!** I cannot stress how important this is. Having your own resources is another cornerstone of your foundation. Work to be self-sufficient in the areas of finance, faith, domiciles, transportation and tribe (loving and _awake_ family, friends and clergy). Why is this a cornerstone of your preparation plan? Because when the s— hits the fan—and it inevitably will at some point—you will not only have a place of refuge, but you will have the transportation to get you there, plus a cheerful and concerned circle of helpers to make sure you arrive there safely. This particular lesson has been driven home to me more times than I believe necessary. Just keep in mind that you can't always control the lesson plan that is handed to you, only how you respond to it. Having the right resources and staff increase your chances of a favorable outcome when chaos threatens.

Case in point: During a rocky time with the POI who would later become my second husband, I quietly and quickly left the domicile that he owned. For several good reasons (or at least they appeared to be good reasons at the time), I had felt threatened, trapped and hopeless. And so, one afternoon, while he was away at work, I packed up all of my belongings into my Ford Econoline 250 cargo van and hit the streets. Literally. As I had no job, no immediate family or friends to bunk with, and only one hundred dollars to my name, I had little choice but to drive into San Francisco, park my van at the beach and stay there.

I had a bed in the back, a cat-litter-box toilet, jugs of water for drinking and bathing, and an AM/FM radio. Luckily I had had an inverter installed in the van a few months prior to my exit, so I was able to run my laptop and lights off the van's battery. But while I had an air card that allowed me to access the Internet away from home, there were no free or available Wi-Fi access points for me to vamp from that close to the open ocean. I lived that way for almost one month and was basically unhappy about my situation. But I had some things going for me—my own transportation and by a stretch of the imagination, my own domicile. And it had been paid for, so I didn't have to worry about it being repossessed. I also had my sister's support. She was working as a property manager in those days. She offered me some money and a good meal at Denny's one night, and she even let me illegally stay at one of her client's rentals for a weekend. While I had a full-blown disaster on my hands, I also had resources available. Plus, I had a cheerleader from my tribe!

Eventually the POI and I got back on track and safely made it down the aisle. However, that lesson is still quite relevant: Have and OWN your own stuff, because you never know when you will have to beat a hasty retreat from a rapidly deteriorating situation.

To be properly prepared to pursue love inside of a committed relationship (marriage or otherwise), it would be prudent to also have the following:

1. **A concise awareness of who you are, what you are capable of putting up with outside of your comfort zone, and what you are able to bring to a relationship (for e.g., emotional stability, money, excellent credit, a mature faith in God).**

2. **Vigilance.** People in the military would call this "situational awareness." For us civvies, it means that you are constantly monitoring yourself, your POI, your own life, his or her life, your environment, _plus_ the environment that you share together. You draw a bead on everything so that when the unexpected happens you are better prepared to engage in some serious decision-making.

3. **Your own apartment, home, or other reliable place of refuge**. Even if you have an apartment or a mortgaged home, make sure that you have a place of refuge that you own outright. Apartment rents can suddenly go up, or you could lose your job and not be able to meet your mortgage. If you are the sole owner of a large van, or an RV or fifth wheel or a cabin in the woods, then you are miles ahead of the game. If you find yourself having to sneak out of town at three in the morning, you will do so with utter confidence if you know that you have a clean and safe refuge waiting for you at the other end of your trip.

4. **Your own income stream**. Sure, you might end up dating the next high-tech millionaire, but always keep this in mind: he or she is probably not out looking for a charity case. At some point, you will be expected to pick up the dinner tab, pay for the concert tickets, or host the birthday party. You must also be able to keep a firm handle on your own fixed debt: rent, mortgage payments, car payments, insurance, etc. Those kinds of expenses must easily come out of your wallet, and if you have money problems they should _never ever_ become an issue for your POI... at least not during the first three months of dating.

5. **Your own belief system.** Before you begin dating with an eye towards a long-term relationship, have a fairly good idea as to where you stand on religion, politics and core values. At some point in your romantic journey, you will find yourself having to express or even defend your beliefs in a thoughtful and concise way, so it's best to be prepared way beforehand. Also, it is a very good idea to expose your belief system to any potential POI at the very beginning of the relationship. That way, if it differs too wildly from theirs—for instance, you are a tree-hugging liberal; they own a pair of Ronald Reagan coffee mugs—the two of you can evaluate these differences and determine if they are going to be significant enough to impede the relationship's healthy growth.

6. **Your own reliable vehicle.** Paid for and insured.

Figure 6: Travel Trailer Exterior

7. **Your own team of knowledgeable and caring advisors.** Ideally, these tribe members will have known you for at least five years, have a fairly balanced outlook on life, and will be courageous enough to suggest course corrections when they feel either _you_ _or your POI_ are veering off the desired path.

Figure 7: Travel Van Interior

Another item on your checklist is to have no debt. Consumer debt, mortgages, and student loans will drink your bank account dry... every month. It may take years to do it, but erasing all consumer debt and student loans should be your primary focus—at all times in your life. Paying your debts away not only keeps your credit scores high, but it also gives a person an incredible sense of accomplishment. It also promotes fiscal maturity; once a person has surmounted a mountain of bills and come out the victor, he or she is not likely to _ever_ carelessly spend their way into that kind of hole again.

8. **Practice ethical behavior in both your professional and your personal lives**. It is perfectly acceptable to have ethics. Having them does not leave you vulnerable to the land sharks or the zombies in our midst. Nor does it certify you as an angel. Having a code of ethics means that you have a good idea as to what is right and what is wrong, and that you are choosing to follow the path towards "doing the right" whenever possible. Having ethics need not necessarily slow you down or get you into the crosshairs of the less ethical ones. You simply have to be stealthier than they are so that no one is aware of what you are doing. Do-gooders can become targets if they are too high profile. So lay low and carry on the Good Fights.

9. **Do not lie. Do not cheat. Do not slander another.** It can make an otherwise stellar person look like a liar, a cheat, or a slanderer.

10. **Women, embrace your femininity**. Drag queens do.

Lastly, practice a neutral stance or response in the face of frustrating or grating people, events, or situations. Most of us can pull this off while in public, but we can become easily unglued in private settings. I can assure you that if you cannot keep yourself together around a potential POI both in private and in public, it will be viewed as a major red flag by all except the weakest or most insecure people.

BASIC SOCIAL EDUCATION (IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER)

In addition to our formal education—high school, college, and job skills—it's a good idea to have at least a working knowledge of the world... the world that revolves around the periphery of your inner circle, your job, your place of worship, and your favorite social media haunts. A modern, educated dater desires not only a companion, but also a conversation partner. Here in California (which admittedly has a higher percentage of men and women enjoying the benefits of advanced degrees and skills than the rest of the nation), the average well-employed POI has (at minimum) a bachelor's degree and often in the hard sciences or other fields that require critical thinking.

So higher education is important. How important? The following short story will give you a clue:

While still a young lass, I was introduced to a potential POI by a well-meaning, East Coast relative. Things were going wonderfully until he asked me where I had lived prior to my residency in New York. I responded with a chest full of pride (because I loved my hometown and because it was also rather famous). "San Francisco!" There was the tiniest of pauses. "Oh." He finally asked. "Is that in Las Vegas?"

As you know, there were two glaring errors in his question:

1) San Francisco is a _city_ in California, and Las Vegas is a _city_ in Nevada.

2) Major American cities rarely spoon, so it was impossible for the city of San Francisco to be inside of the city of Las Vegas.

A young gentleman who had shown real promise just seconds before had now been transmogrified into the one creature that we all secretly dread the most _: Homo_ _dufus_.

Readers, please do not let simple mistakes like this cause you to stumble! Learn the basics. An up-to-date encyclopedia from your local library can help.

Figure 8: Map of the United States

• Please be able to recognize America on a map and be able to point out the city and state in which you currently reside.

• Please be aware that the U.S. is bordered by the Atlantic Ocean along its eastern coast and by the Pacific Ocean alongside its western coast. Also, it's important to note that the states of Texas, Alabama, Mississippi, and western Florida are bordered by the Gulf of Mexico and have coastlines.

• Know that Canada borders the U.S. to the north and that Mexico borders the U.S. to the south.

• Know that "New York" is the name of both a city and a state and that **both** are located on the east coast of the U.S. New York City is where the Statue of Liberty is located. It is also where the 9/11 attacks occurred.

• The East Coast of the United States is also referred to as the Eastern Seaboard. When people are speaking of the East Coast, they are primarily referring to the state and city called New York (New York is a large city which is located in the state of New York. It is comprised of five (5) boroughs or sub-cities.) and the neighboring states of New Jersey, Connecticut, Vermont, Pennsylvania, Maine and Massachusetts. The Midwest (a.k.a. the Flyover States) is located in the nation's midsection. Missouri, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Kansas and Iowa are Midwest states. The South is located below the Midwest. The Southwest is comprised of western Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona. The West Coast consists of Washington, Oregon and California. The city of Los Angeles (where Hollywood is located) is in Southern California, whereas San Francisco (home of the Golden Gate Bridge and quarterback Joe Montana) is in Northern California. These two cities are separated by about 360 miles.

You may find this map helpful:  www2.census.gov/geo/pdfs/maps-data/maps/reference/us_regdiv.pdf.

On the international front:

• Be able to pick out Canada, Russia, China, Japan, England, France, Germany, Greece, Turkey and Spain on a world map.

• Know who holds the position of **prime minister** , **president,** or **monarch** of the aforementioned countries.

• Be able to list at least five wars that the U.S. has fought in during the last sixty years.

• Know when World War I occurred and who the major combatants were.

• Know when World War II occurred and who the major combatants were. Also be able to talk at length about:

1. One or two of the infamous German concentration camps ( _Auschwitz-Birkenau, Dachau, or Treblinka_ )

2. The V2 rocket

3. Winston Churchill, Franklin Roosevelt, and Harry Truman

4. The Hawker Hurricane and Supermarine Spitfire (England), the P-51 Mustang (North America), and the Mitsubishi A6M Zero (Japan) fighter aircrafts

5. The Manhattan Project

6. The creation of the state of Israel

7. Werner Von Braun and his role with NASA

Back at home again...

• Familiarize yourself with all of the names of the U.S. presidents, Democratic and Republican. You don't have to memorize them all, but it's a good idea to have a passing acquaintance with these gentlemen and the years in which they served.

• Be aware of the names and parties of your current president and vice-president. Nothing shouts "Dufus!" quite like not having a clue about the names of your government's commander-in-chief and its first lieutenant.

And, finally:

• Know how to read a paper map. You may not always have access to your phone or to a GPS-enabled device.

Grammar and Speech Tips

• Please refrain from EVER saying, "I seen, " as in "I seen that dog roll over and play dead." The correct word is "saw," as in "I _saw_ that dog roll over and play dead." _How important is this tip?_ Extremely. Once the words "I seen... " tumble out of your mouth, a discriminating person will subconsciously (or outright) label you (You guessed it!) "DUFUS!" and promptly delete you from their cache of suitable POI candidates.

• The word "height" is correctly pronounced "?hīt" and not "?hīth."

• The word "cool," in my opinion, is greatly overused. Try to use other words to express your admiration of a person, place, or thing. "Great," "awesome" (still works), "clever," or even "stellar" are good substitutes. I will include "brilliant" here as it is so commonly used in the United Kingdom, but with this caveat: Americans should refrain from borrowing too heavily from the British lexicon unless they are seeking careers in acting where having fluency in foreign speech and dialects are of paramount importance. Otherwise, we may appear to be snobbish or pretentious. Hopefully, America will evolve to become a less slang-obsessed society and come to rely more upon the good old-fashioned adjectives ("wonderful," "excellent," "magnificent") to express our appreciation for earthly splendors.

• I will not go into the grammar rules behind the following so please just memorize these sentence structures:

1. He and I had a wonderful time at the movies. _Correct._

2. Him and I had a wonderful time at the movies. _Incorrect!_

3. Brad smiled at his dad and said, "My date was stellar." _Correct._

4. Brad smiled at his dad and said. "My date was stellar". _Incorrect!_

5. The waiter was courteous and professional to us. _Correct._

6. The waiter was courteous and professional to her and I. _Incorrect!_

TECHNICAL KNOWLEDGE

Math

1. Be able to add, subtract, multiply and divide simple numbers by hand.

2. Be able to add and subtract simple fractions by hand.

3. Be aware of the mathematical concept called **infinit** y (a variable that can either decrease without end or increase without end) and that its symbol is ∞. Also be aware that on your standard number line, you can have -∞ and +∞. (This is read "negative infinity" and "positive infinity.")

4. Be able to recognize the circles, squares, and triangles in your everyday life. For example:

Figure 6: A Circle's Area and Volume

Figure 7: A Square's Area and Volume

Figure 8: A Triangle's Area and Volume

RANDOM SCIENTIFIC CONCEPTS

Gravity

Gravity is one of the _four fundamental forces_ in the universe. The others are **electromagnetic** , **weak** and **strong.** The **gravitational force** is attractive, and it comes from an object's mass. The larger the mass, the greater the gravity. For instance, the sun's gravity is stronger than the gravity of the earth because it is greater in size. Gravity exerts its attractive force on all objects—people, animals, manmade objects, rivers, oceans, moons, comets, asteroids and even other planets in our solar system.

FYI: Gravity is still a bit of a head scratcher for physicists. Although cogent theories abound, the exact cause and composition of gravity are not completely understood.

_Basic Physics, A Self-Teaching Guide_ by Karl F. Kuhn, Second Edition

Earth's Magnetic Field

It is believed that Earth's magnetic field is generated deep inside of its hot, molten core. Earth has a north and south magnetic pole. William Gilbert, an English scientist, made this discovery and explained that Earth had a magnetic field that resembled a bar magnet. Earth's magnetism affects many types of animals—birds, whales, dolphins, and even bacteria. Our magnetic field also affects space. The Northern Lights are caused by charged particles from the sun being pulled down into our atmosphere and drawn along the magnetic lines toward our north and south poles.

_Physics Matters! Volume 8 Magnetism_ by Christopher Cooper

The Speed of Light

Nothing can move faster than light. It is the cosmic cheetah, the fastest thing in the universe. The study to measure the speed of light took many years and was a great challenge to scientists of physics and astronomy. It is measured at 186,282 mi/sec or 299,792 km/sec. The speed of light is labeled "c" as in:

E = mc 2

Where _e_ is energy, _m_ is mass and _c_ is the speed of light squared.

A hypothetical particle called a **tachyon** is the only thing faster than the speed of light.

_Physics Matters! Volume 4 Light_ by John O. E. Clark

Asteroid vs. Comet vs. Meteor:

Three similar space-based objects are **asteroids, comets,** and **meteors**. A brief description of each one follows:

**Asteroids:** Closely related to meteors, asteroids are small objects made of rock or metal, which orbit the sun in a counter-clockwise direction. The word _asteroid_ means "star-like."

**Comets:** Comets are made of ice and dust and develop a luminous halo and tail as they transit the galaxy. All comets follow a path that orbits the sun. They have three parts, a nucleus (a small center formed of gases and dust particles), a large coma (or head of the comet), and a long, sweeping tail.

**Meteors or Meteoroids:** A **meteoroid** is a solid object that can travel in interplanetary space (between the eight planets of our solar system). It orbits the sun just as the planets do. When it passes through the earth's atmosphere, it leaves a bright, luminous streak and is then called a **meteor** or a "shooting star." If a meteor survives its trip through our atmosphere and impacts with the ground, it is then called a **meteorite**.

_Secrets of Space-Asteroids, Comets and Meteors_ by Carol Marsh, Series Editor Arthur Upgren, Professor of Astronomy, Wesleyen University

Time Travel

Science fiction writers and Hollywood are enamored with the idea that a machine can be built that would take a person (or persons) backward or forward into time by seconds, days, months, years, or even centuries. This rather far-fetched concept got its main start inside the mind of the British writer H. G. Wells. (Mr. Wells was also responsible for the books _The Island of Dr. Moreau, The Invisible Man,_ and _War of the Worlds._ ) Time travel basically does away with our current perception of time, which is that it is linear—that it can go in only one direction: forward. Physicist Ron Mallett has devoted a great deal of research into time travel and has concluded that traveling through time _is_ possible, but that a traveler can only travel to a point in time when there is another time machine already up and running. That, unlike the concept of time travel itself, actually makes a lot of sense. But this is my opinion.

The Multiverse

The multiverse can mean one of two things (or more, depending upon how much advanced **astrophysics** you have under your mental belt):

1) That our observable universe is but one of x-number of universes connected to each other by some type of cosmic membrane. Think of a six-pack of beer where each beer can represents one universe, and the plastic webbing holding them together represents the cosmic membrane.

2) That our observable universe is actually a finite or infinite number of 'universes' nested in and around each other and are separated by the _perceptions_ of the various sentient life forms living out their lives within a shared locale. Following this line of thinking, a 'universe' is merely a sentient life form's **observable reality.** For example, most human beings are aware of the fact that we live on a planet called Earth, that Earth travels around a star (sun) called Sol, and that we are but one of eight planets traveling in an elliptical orbit around that star. Now, what if you were an ant living in a typical park in a major urban city? Your perception of the 'universe' would consist of other ants, other insects (many of them impossibly huge from the ant's point of view), tall forests of grass, the occasional 'clouds' when birds flew over that 'forest' and torrential floods when it rained or when a large dog or raccoon relieved itself close by. The ant might be aware that its environment undergoes regular intervals of light and darkness, but it may have no concept as to _why_ this occurs. To the ant, stars and planets and cities and parks and even dogs may not exist because they may not ever directly observe them. So while ants and humans share the same space, they actually live in two entirely different universes, one nestled right inside the other.

PRIMARY COMPONENTS OF THE BIBLE

The Old Testament

• Genesis, Creation, Adam and Eve, the Garden of Eden, the original sin

• Noah and the Great Flood

• Abraham, the father of the Jewish people

• The covenant between the LORD and Israel

• Moses

• The Mosaic laws: The first five books of the Old Testament are called the _Torah_ and contain 613 laws handed down by the LORD to Moses to the Jewish people after their exodus from Egypt

• The foretelling of the coming of Messiah

• The Book of Kings: King David, King Saul, King Solomon

• The Book of Psalms

• The Book of Isaiah

The New Testament

• The birth of Messiah

• Joseph and Mary, the human parents of Messiah

• The Twelve Apostles

• Confirmation of the covenant between the LORD and Israel

• Confirmation of the Mosaic laws by Messiah

• Messiah's crucifixion and resurrection

• The Great Commission

• The Apostle Paul

And now for a sharp left turn...

MEAL ETIQUETTE

Be able to set a table properly. On most occasions, it will not be necessary to remember where the forks, spoons, and various drinking glasses are placed about the dinner plates. Just be able to arrange everything in an orderly and pleasing fashion. Provide a glass of water and a dinner napkin with each meal. If you want to glam things up, place your drinking glasses in the freezer for three hours before meals. They will emerge covered in a _chic_ glaze of frost. Add a garnish of washed and dried orange or lime slices for visual appeal and light snacking.

FYI: A quick Internet search will provide you with the basics on how to properly set a table.

Serve food that is fresh, blemish-free and nutritious, as your dating budget allows. Buy organic whenever possible!

Segregate your cooking and serving tools by food content. Have utensils, pots and platters specifically used for cooking and serving meats; have utensils, pots and platters specifically used for cooking and serving vegetables and all other non-meat products.

Use tableware in the manner for which they were designed. For instance, please refrain from using cup saucers as bread saucers and vice versa; drinking glasses as wine glasses and vice versa. Never serve dinner guests with glasses that bear cartoon characters.

It is important that you make a practice of washing your hands with warm water and soap and then drying them before you begin handling food and dinnerware. In the rush of meal preparation, we often forget to do this. However, it is vital that these rituals be observed. I have witnessed men and women refuse to eat food prepared by others after witnessing them cook without washing up first. Cleaning your hands properly will be especially important if you have pets.

Be able and willing to prepare your home for entertaining guests—informally and formally. This means that you have the time and skills to do the following:

\- Clean and tidy ALL common areas (foyer, kitchen, living room, dining area, and all bathrooms that will be used by your guests).

**Special Note #5:** If you aren't accustomed to housekeeping on a regular basis, please be aware that the sponges, mops and towels that you use in the bathroom ARE NEVER TO BE USED ANYPLACE ELSE, ESPECIALLY IN THE KITCHEN! Spreading germs and bacteria from toilets or showers into dishwashers and kitchen sinks and onto eating surfaces **CAN BE** **FATAL**!!!

**Special Note #6:** Do not reuse sponges or towels after they have been used to clean ovens, refrigerators, freezers, toilets, shower stall or floors. Also, change mop heads at least once a month. Expensive? Yes!

**Special Note #7:** Many popular cleaning solvents are quite caustic and can cause respiratory damage to you, your dogs and cats, and even your fish and plants. If you are conducting a serious cleaning job in your residence, please cover the fish tanks, sequester your pets into a room far from the cleaning action, place your plants outside, wear a mask that will protect you from inhaling chemical vapors, cover your hair with a scarf (for protection against chemical vapors and dust), wear thick cleaning gloves, and keep all screened windows open to allow in fresh air.

\- Plan and purchase a three-course meal—appetizers, main course, and dessert—according to the tastes and dietary requirements of your guest. There are folks out there with peanut allergies, seafood allergies, psychological aversions to red meat, religious objections to seafood and pork, and plain ole picky eaters. Plan your meals with research and aforethought.

MISCELLANEOUS

Stay current. This cannot be emphasized enough. Know the latest hit TV shows, and watch them. Listen to Top 40 radio at least once a month for a few hours so that you'll be familiar with popular artists. But also learn to listen to music from past generations, because each decade seems to have its own unique and cutting-edge artists that not only contributed to the well-being of our ancestors but who continue to do so in current generations.

If there's a new tween movie franchise that's taking the world by storm but which sounds like the silliest thing since deep-fried butter, force yourself to go see what all the fuss is about. Believe it or not, you might enjoy it!

Keep your inner child stoked. That isn't a green light to be childish but rather childlike—innocent, playful, and in awe of the wondrous world that still exists around us. For example, when you have the opportunity, go outside at night and find the planets... find the Big Dipper, Orion's Belt, even the Milky Way itself. Trace the twinkling lights of airliners cruising to and from airports overhead and wonder who's on board and where they are going. If you are feeling especially giggly, give those zooming strangers a wave!

• Learn how to engage in a basic conversation in Japanese, French, or Italian. Or better yet, learn an _entire_ foreign language.

• Be able to recognize several Shakespearean plays ( _The Tempest, A Midsummer's Night Dream, Othello_ ).

• Be able to name a famous opera ( _Madame Butterfly, Aida, Othello)._

Take some time and learn about the following:

Artists (painters)

Rembrandt Van Rijn

Leonardo da Vinci

Picasso

Vincent Van Gogh

Paul Gauguin

Architectural Styles (residential)

Colonial

Victorian

Mediterranean

Modern

Spanish

Influential Philosophers in History

Thomas Aquinas

Paul of Tarsus

Adin Steinsaltz

Aristotle

Immanuel Kant

**Music from the 18** th **Century to the Present**

Television, Film, and Paper

History

My memories of history classes in middle school were of easy classes where one could catch a catnap or—later, in college—surf the Internet. History and philosophy lectures were monumental snooze fests about people, places, and events that happened a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. To my mind, none of it had any direct bearing upon the present. (Please allow me to now offer my sincere apologies to the legion of fine and dedicated history and philosophy instructors across the land. My erstwhile lack of appreciation for your fields of study was disrespectful and no doubt made you doubt your own wisdom for choosing to teach these subjects.) It wasn't until I began to stray outside my peer circles that I began to develop an awareness of historical data and just how important a role it played in my present day life. I'll give you an example:

My dear uncle, the same who allowed me to live with him for a year under the guise of studying piano, and who was the dear relative that had arranged that meeting with _Homo Dufus_ , was a French and music teacher. He lived in Manhattan in a tiny one-bedroom walk-up on West 95th near Broadway. The building housed many professionals, and legions of rats and cockroaches. My uncle taught fifth grade in a public school in the Bronx, along with many other idealistic young men and women of his time, all struggling to make a positive difference in the lives of inner-city boys and girls. Of course, he socialized with his colleagues, and he would often invite me along. I was young, very quiet, and enjoyed eating good food. One afternoon we met one of his teacher friends at a German-themed coffee shop in mid-Manhattan. My uncle had chosen this establishment because it had a friendly façade and menu prices that wouldn't explode his small entertaining budget. He did not take anything else into consideration.

It was a pleasant afternoon, and the lunch began well. His friend was a nice-looking young man. He was somewhat pedantic but appeared to be pleased with life in general and with us as dining partners. It wasn't until our waitress arrived that the storm clouds moved in. I remember her as being in her late twenties, blonde, and somewhat buxom. She was wearing a serving wench's costume, and her braided hair was pinned to the sides of her head. I'm afraid that I must paraphrase the next few minutes due to the fuzziness of my recollection of the event, but it went something like this:

The waitress asked us for our order and we supplied it. As she was writing it down, our lunch guest said something like, "I'll have the corned beef. Heil Hitler!" At first my uncle and I were amused because we thought him jesting. But then he said something like, "You're a good German, right??? You love Hitler??? You come to America but in your heart you're still a good German??? You f——— Nazi!"

My uncle and I sat as stiff as corpses as the woman rather stoically bore the brunt of his anger before retreating into the kitchen. I remember my uncle mumbling, "I guess this wasn't such a good idea." No. It hadn't been. My dearly departed uncle, who was smart enough to enter college at the age of fifteen and who had studied in France for a year in college in the second decade following the German occupation of said country, had somehow been clueless when it came to choosing one of hundreds of potential eateries to dine at with a Jewish co-worker.

Know yourself. Know your country. Pay closer attention to historic events happening around the world, or you might end up sharing a memorable meal with them one day.

* * *

Please be familiar with God's commandments (Old Testament, Deuteronomy 5:7-21).

The Ten Commandments

1. Thou shall have no other gods before me.

2. Thou shall not make any graven image and not bow down to them, nor serve them.

3. Thou shall not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.

4. Keep the Sabbath day to keep it holy; as the LORD thy God has commanded thee.

5. Honor thy father and thy mother.

6. Thou shall not kill.

7. Neither shall thou commit adultery.

8. Neither shall thou steal.

9. Neither shall thou bear false witness against thy neighbor.

10. Neither shall thou covet thy neighbor's house; his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox or his ass, or anything that is thy neighbor's.

Also, please spend time reading from the Book of Psalms, Old Testament.

Psalm 100 (A Psalm of Praise)

Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all ye lands.

Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.

Know ye that the LORD he is God: _it_ _is_ he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; _we are_ his people, and the sheep of his pasture.

Enter into his gates with thanksgiving; and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, _and_ bless his name.

For the LORD _is_ good, his mercy _is_ everlasting; and his truth _endureth_ to all generations.

And be sure to thoroughly familiarize yourself with the New Testament.

The Lord's Prayer

Our father, who art in heaven

Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us today our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses,

As we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us _not_ into temptation

But deliver us from evil.

For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory.

Forever and ever.

The Fruit of the Holy Spirit

• Love

• Joy

• Peace

• Longsuffering

• Gentleness

• Goodness

• Faith

• Meekness

• Temperance

And for the patriotic...

The Pledge of Allegiance (USA)

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

* * *

ROLE MODELING

Back during the Golden Age of modern society (1930s-1980s), men and women were often encouraged to use role models to provide successful life patterns that would enable them to realize and maximize their own potential. These role models would often take the forms of high school coaches or teachers, clergymen, community leaders, sports heroes... even politicians. While we had Hollywood action heroes and plenty of comic book daring do, celluloid heroes still took a backseat to the real things. And while we have brave and noble men and women walking in our midst even today, society now tends to shy away from giving them the added yoke of 'role model.' I believe that we now realize that "hero worship" has distinct disadvantages... for the hero and for the worshiper. Unrealistic expectations from the adoring crowds (and oftentimes the heroes themselves) inevitably lead to the heroes being yanked down from their pedestals and to their worshipers feeling shocked, angry and betrayed.

However, I don't believe that role modeling is a quaint relic from happier times that should be relegated to the attic. It still has much value for us today!

While conducting research for this chapter, I came across a book written by Mr. Charles R. Morris. It is titled _The Tycoons_ , and it is a very detailed account of the lives of the four men who almost singlehandedly invented American industry and American corporate philanthropy. These men led their pecuniary lives way back in the 1800s. Andrew Carnegie, John D. Rockefeller, Jay Gould, J. P. Morgan, and a veritable galaxy of engineers, scientists, and rock star managers grabbed a young, energetic American workforce by the horns and turned it into a smart and innovative industrial powerhouse. Their paradigm for heavy, science-based industry paved the way for companies like Tesla, Google, Apple, Microsoft and Netflix. My original intent was to mine the data on these men and their accomplishments and then pass on their gold nuggets of wisdom here in RFOM. To my surprise, I discovered that while these men were working hard to shape young America, they were also spending an inordinate amount of time cheating their partners and employees, embezzling, bribing, suing, and double-dealing anyone or anything that crossed their paths. Scruples rarely had a role to play in their logic and, at least on the surface, they appeared to be what they call in the South "lower than a snake's belly." While the ability to lie against, ruthlessly cheat, and flat out steal from a competitor might be necessary tools in corporate warfare, they are hardly the qualities that a caring person would want a sensible man or woman to examine too closely in their pursuit of happiness. And so, I looked a little closer to home. Here are my personal recommendations for modern role models:

For the Gentlemen...

_The Apostle Paul:_ To my thinking, the life and teachings of Paul of Tarsus fully completed Messiah's assignment during his time on earth more than two thousand years ago. Paul was the educated yet unintentional sinner whose life was dramatically interrupted and turned 180 degrees by a supernatural intervention with Messiah _Yeshua_ (Jesus). Before that time, Paul (then known as Saul) had been persecuting Christians in the belief that he was defending Jewish law. After his enlightenment, Saint Paul then applied his zealous shoulder to the Savior's plow and proceeded to create the moral culture and the corporate structure of Christianity as we know it today. The value of this single man and his ministry on earth are incalculable.

_James Stewart:_ Mr. Stewart was an extremely successful Hollywood actor as well as a Brigadier General (and military pilot) who served in World War II, the Korean War, and Vietnam. He was also the possessor of one wife. Read this fellow's Wikipedia page. You will be amazed.

_Joseph Montana:_ Mr. Montana was the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers in the 1980s. He is recognized as a leader both on and off the field and has even written a book on developing leadership skills. It is titled "The Winning Spirit: 16 Timeless Principles That Drive Performance Excellence" by Joe Montana and Tom Mitchell, Ph.D. Check it out!

For the Ladies...

_Anne Morrow Lindbergh:_ Ms. Lindbergh was a pilot, a successful author, and the devoted wife of the aviation pioneer and hero Charles Lindbergh. Although the Lindberghs were world famous during their time and also the sufferers of great personal tragedy, Mrs. Lindbergh and her husband conducted their lives with humility, stunning intelligence, and unfailing grace.

_First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy:_ Ms. Kennedy-Onassis was the first female worldwide megastar (WWM) in modern times. She was a thoroughbred American who had the good sense (and taste) to pair herself with another thoroughbred American and our future 35th president, the much-loved John F. Kennedy. Ms. Kennedy represented a zenith in American womanhood. While serving as first lady, she set the bar for intellectual and career pursuits, and for being a supportive wife and loving parent, while simultaneously setting the bar for fashion, public manners, and unselfconscious feminine grace. Going through the agony of having her husband assassinated right in front of her only provided her with another opportunity to demonstrate to the world that she could command the world's stage even while in the grips of black despair. Her personal and public records of achievement still stand today.

_Diana, Princess of Wales:_ Lady Diana was two years younger than I when she exploded into public view in 1980. She was the second WWM of modern times. Like many other millions of females—great and anonymous—who were instantly relegated to the collective role of background scenery, I was at once mad with envy (because of her otherworldly beauty and unnatural charms) _and_ utterly entranced. Almost six feet tall, blonde, and extremely slender, her physical loveliness was said to have been so intense that people would actually flinch upon seeing her in person. She could have easily spent her capital merely enthralling the various heads of state she came into contact with while performing her many official duties for the British monarchy. However, the princess chose instead to embrace her role as perhaps the first royal public servant in European history.

While dazzling national leaders and their respective populaces with her famous Mediterranean-blue eyes and big hair, she hugged AIDS patients, played convincingly with snotty village children, and enjoyed tea times with poor grandmas and grandpas, the homeless, and people confined to hospitals beds. She consorted with the terminally ill, the abandoned, the ostracized, the unlovely, and the unwanted—often on her own private time and without any fanfare or photographers. _Why?_ She herself provided the answer. She is quoted as saying that she believed that "not feeling loved" was the most insidious disease of our times and that at least for the few minutes that she was in their lives, the people that she spoke to or touched or embraced would feel wanted and loved. Most importantly, Diana accomplished these amazing feats _on a daily basis and_ _without fail,_ even while her marriage to HRH Prince Charles was falling apart in spectacular fashion. Apparently, she had had firsthand experience with "not feeling loved." Toward the end of her young life, she continued to devote her energies to programs and organizations focused upon bettering the lives of the poor, the crippled, and the stigmatized. Her last major campaign was to encourage various governments in developing countries to step up their efforts to remove unexploded landmines from rural areas.

Exactly like First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy, Diana's public service record is without blemish. She and Mrs. Kennedy are the platinum standards for first ladies and royal princesses everywhere. I doubt that there will ever be another presidential consort of the magnitude of Jacqueline Kennedy, or a royal princess quite like Diana, Princess of Wales.

* * *

I would like to close this chapter by repeating these words: Finding the love of your life is a matter of **preparation** and **perseverance**. It is also a matter of **focus** and cultivating the **right attitude** about the whole dating experience. I have been on dates where the POI appeared to be distracted, bored, or even downright annoyed. I suspect that these gentlemen had decided that I wasn't The One ("No sparks," is what one fellow closed with after a date that I had thought was going well), or were thinking about someone else (it isn't unusual to be a "rebound" or "revenge" date for someone), or just did not have the patience to remain consistently engaged with a stranger for one or two hours. Actually, it may have been none of those reasons. The point is, those individuals were _out of focus_. For whatever reason, they were not bringing their A game to the encounter. If _you_ occasionally find yourself out of focus but you believe that you are genuinely interested in your POI, then by all means let them know that you are having an "off" moment or day and that you would like a rain check for a makeup date as soon as possible. Of course, if you are truly feeling distraction, boredom, or hostility towards your POI, then it is best that you politely excuse yourself from the scene as quickly as possible. But not before reassuring the POI that they are being held blameless in the situation. Even if they are not.

To my way of thinking, a strong attitude incorporates some version of the following statement:

_I am on a quest to find true love, and I expect to find it. I begin this journey with good will towards all. My eyes are open and so is my heart. Should I experience true love, I shall endeavor to give it much, and I shall_ _also_ _expect much in return._

This last statement is extremely important. Whether you are a sales associate at Target or the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, it is advised that you have the mindset of acquiring a partner who meets and even exceeds your expectations. Does that sound selfish to you? If you were purchasing a new car or home, wouldn't you want that great investment of time and money to satisfy your needs and desires? Or would you be content with the roof leaking during the first heavy rain? Or the car's wheels coming off after two weeks of use? In the same way, that wonderful relationship that you are working toward will be built upon a similar platform of your _reasonable needs_ _and desires_ **plus** your POI's _reasonable needs and desires_. To my way of thinking, that is not selfish thinking. It is thinking. Period.

# PRESENTATION

Merriam-Webster's simple definition of the word **presentation** is as follows:

• _an activity in which someone shows, describes, or explains something to a group of people_

• _the way in which something is arranged, designed, etc.: the way in which something is presented_

• _the act of giving something to someone in a formal way or in a ceremony_

In college and in the workplace, we are often asked to create a presentation for a particular idea, product, or sales pitch. In the courting phase, we are tasked with the same job, although most of the time we aren't _aware_ of this. When you decide to foray into the dating world, you place a new product on the market. That product is _you!_ And you should desire as many eligible consumer eyes on yourself as possible in order to increase the odds of choosing and of being chosen. This process begins—and ends—with packaging. This is where a unique sense of self and of _style_ come into play. **Your style is the formatting that you create for the presentation of yourself to the world.**

Please allow me to revisit the topics of First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy and Lady Diana Spencer (later known throughout the world as Diana, Princess of Wales, upon her marriage to HRH Prince Charles) as we take a closer look at the matter of personal style.

As mentioned in the previous chapter, the Princess of Wales and Jackie Kennedy are arguably the two most celebrated earthly women of modern times. During their heydays (the 1960s and the 1980s, respectively) only the Virgin Mary wielded more influence in the public arena.[5]

These two highly attractive females were not only intellectual and spiritual giants, but also high priestesses of _haute couture_. Both women employed highly skilled dress designers and hair stylists who worked hard to help create their signature looks, looks that are still being promoted today. _Why did they do this?_ If they were such enlightened females (lacking vanity), then certainly they were beyond placing too much emphasis on appearances. I never had the opportunity to meet either of these ladies, so I can only theorize about their motives. One reason may be that their aristocratic cultures required that they dress and behave a certain way in public. Mrs. Kennedy was an East Coast blueblood with strong pointers toward French nobility, and Lady Diana's father was an English earl. In these airy circles, marrying the 'right' man to ensure the production of the 'right' progeny is paramount. This push to be the 'best of the best' places great pressure upon these women to be the 'right' females. They must quietly present themselves as superior to other women, but then they must follow through and actually become the physical embodiment of that 'right and superior' female. So, in a large part, a good deal of their formatting comes from their acceding to social pressures to behave and look a certain way. The remaining formatting no doubt came from within and probably consisted of how these women viewed themselves in the context of their official duties and the times in which they lived.

Another reason personal style became such an enormous issue with these two particular women is that they both no doubt recognized the power of high-impact public presentation. In other words, they possessed a good-sized chunk of knowledge about impeccable manners and good grooming and then _applied_ that knowledge to their own lives, and then by extension, to the lives of their powerful husbands. If one were to read their biographies, it would be easy to see that the First Lady and the Princess of Wales knew the power that charming behavior coupled with spectacular looks generated not only for them, but for their husbands and their families, not to mention their respective countries. Before her marriage to Prince Charles disintegrated, a _People_ magazine cover article gushingly estimated that she was worth $500,000,000 to Great Britain, due to increases in tourism and the sales of Buckingham Palace-approved items that were directly associated with the princess. However, a case can be made that her _intrinsic_ value to the kingdom (then and now) was probably on the order of $500,000,000,000.

These two ultra-famous ladies were aware of their immediate environments, their cultural environments, and their national environments, and they were experts at manipulating all three.

It is also important to note that Mrs. Kennedy and the Princess of Wales were notoriously conscientious, even during their trials. Mere weeks before marrying Prince Charles in the fairy tale wedding of the century, Lady Diana learned that not only was her fiancé still in love with his longtime girlfriend, Lady Camilla Parker-Bowles, but also that he did not love _her_. The marriage was to satisfy the kingdom and the popular media that had become smitten with her. And yet she soldiered on to become the most visibly compassionate, loving, and glorious royal person in the recorded history of earthly royal families.

Earlier in time, mere hours after witnessing her husband's assassination at the hands of Lee Harvey Oswald in Dallas, Texas, Jacqueline Kennedy readily consented to stand beside Lyndon B. Johnson as he was hastily sworn in as the thirty-sixth president of the United States. The place was Air Force One, which had been parked overnight on the tarmac at Dallas's Love Field. Her husband's fresh corpse lay in its coffin less than fifty feet from her. It was said that she did this to help assure a near hysterical nation that a peaceful and orderly transition of power had taken place.

These stories of courage and leadership point to the obvious observation: The clothes and affectations do not necessarily make the woman any more than they necessarily make the man. The **true style** of men and women may then be their honorable conduct during bad _and_ good times.

CONDUCT AND APPEARANCES BEFORE AND DURING INITIAL CONTACT

As you enter into the active phase of dating (posting your dating profiles, firming up your plans with your matchmaker, or taking up that offer for lunch from an individual that you met at Home Depot), it is probably best to inculcate the following behaviors into your everyday habits:

1) **Follow the Golden Rule:** Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

2) **Dress for success!** Look and wear your best whenever possible!

The first behavior is a must and should be practiced whether you are on the hunt for a mate or on the hunt for the best salad bar in a new town. Sowing kindness amongst friends, family members and strangers (and even animals, birds and insects) _may_ do the following:

a) Allow you to reap kindnesses from friends, family members, and strangers.

b) Afford you the wonderful opportunity to appear compassionate in the sight of a potential POI.

c) Make you feel better about yourself!

However, the second behavior—how one dresses—will depend upon the circumstances of the POI encounter _and_ on your willingness to be (at least temporarily) flexible in your preferred dress code. I bring this up because I have witnessed it being an issue with some daters. Several years ago, I had the opportunity to meet a young lady originally from England. She was young, quite charming, and even without makeup or frilly frocks, very attractive. She had recently experienced a jarring split from her boyfriend and was cautiously contemplating entering the dating scene again. Emily (not her real name) had a Ph.D. in mathematics and the fashion sense of a sixth-grader. Although she was very petite, every time I saw her she was bundled into oversized corduroy jackets and baggy jeans. I sensed that she felt comfortable swimming in her clothes, and I was smart enough to realize that she would not take kindly to any suggestions that she ever dress in a more mature fashion.

Over the course of several weeks, I discovered that she was serious about finding a new beau. I was happy for her, but at the same time I was somewhat distressed. I knew that the chances of her presenting well on a first date were slim; we both lived and worked in a highly competitive area, where you had gangs of genuine super-model-grade beauties with degrees in engineering and computer science roaming the streets, wearing leather miniskirts, buckled riding boots from Bergdorf Goodman, and sporting two-hundred dollar haircuts. The plain, girl-next-door type was invisible. I felt that she needed a nudge in the right direction. Knowing full well that any intervention on my part might blow up in my face, I went ahead and gave her a _Vogue_ magazine to look at. She politely sat through my pointing out several outfits that I thought she might look fabulous in. At no time did I make any mention of my thoughts about her current wardrobe, or that I felt that she would have better dating success if she followed my advice. After about an hour I left. And we never spoke again.

I was wrong; I knew that my actions were going to upset her. And if she was serious about getting a man, _she_ may have been wrong in completely blotting out my actions. Deep down she, like most people, may have felt that people should accept her for who she was, not _what_ she was. Certainly not for what she was wearing. That is true. Most people desire to be judged by their character and not by their incomes and the goodies that can be bought with them. But we live in a country that places a high value upon outward appearances in specific social situations. Your first date is certainly one of those specific social situations. Deliberately dressing up as a beggar might win you some _chutzpah_ points if you are a multi-billionaire. But, if you are not, then you risk receiving a dimmed initial assessment by a potential POI.

**In general, during the initial phase of your dating journey, it is best to act** and **look your best at all times.**

Good manners and kindness are powerful tools, especially in the _romantic_ arena. If someone is thoughtful enough to arrange a blind date for you, please respond accordingly. In a quick email (a text would be too informal), thank the date arranger and ask them to express your thanks to the potential POI. In a separate confirmation email, tell them both that you are looking forward to meeting the POI on such-and-such a date, at such-and-such a place and time. Include all of your contact information, and don't forget to BCC your designated dispatcher from your tribe so that they have a copy of the date information.

A blind date scenario gives you the least amount of control over what type of POI you will be spending lunch or dinner with. A blind date is the _date arranger's_ choice, not yours. Although you may have given the date arranger your Top 10 list of must-haves, you still may end up spending several uncomfortable hours with a person who meets none of your criteria. That's why it is good to get a fairly good thumbnail sketch of the POI before committing to a get-together. Vital information will be age, race, religious affiliation (if any), job title, place of employment, and ex-spouses or children. Keep an open mind: you may not get everything on your list. The POI might not have an advanced degree, or maybe his or her job is not terribly interesting or financially rewarding, but they may have nailed everything else on your list. Do keep an open mind. Carefully balance the pros and cons. But, remember: At this stage in the game, you have nothing to lose by being open minded and much to gain if the POI turns out to have real potential. Of course, there will be times when you will just know that the match will not work regardless of how much you tweak your list.

Whether the POI's _curriculum vitae_ reads like a John le Carré novel or a Dr. Seuss book, please respond in the same pleasant manner. Either confirm the date as suggested above, or send an email containing a gentle declination. _What to say?_ A simple "Thank you for your interest, but I am not available at this time" will do. Notice that I did not say, "Text a confirmation or declination." I do realize that most men and women under the age of forty prefer to handle their conversations via texts and tweets and Facebook posts. However, the old-fashioned ways still work. Emails, handwritten notes in _cursive_ writing, and brief phone calls are charming nods to the Golden Age of personal communication that took place in the 1930s through the 1990s.

For at least the first three dates, dress well but conservatively. For the men, I recommend a relatively new sports jacket, Dockers, new dress shoes, and a tie with energy; no tee shirts, jeans or sneaks. But before you arrive at this point, it would be a good idea to take a female relative or friend to a good men's clothing store and select a well-made sports jacket, two or three pairs of light wool slacks, two or three in-fashion shirts, a pair of eye-catching ties, and two pairs of shoes: one casual, one dress. Your female wingman will be invaluable to you. _Why?_ For many females, the jacket, tie, and shoes that a man are wearing can be almost as important as the car that he is driving. In fact, you might be able to get away with driving her around in an older-model vehicle if you've achieved the jacket/tie/shoes trifecta. A discerning wingman will help you select the right trends, the desired fabrics, and the latest colors—from a female perspective. "Yikes!" you might be thinking. But, this is a good thing because your target audience is female. Later, after you have won the affections of your POI, you can toss these alien items into the back of your closet and dive back into your jeans and running shoes.

For the ladies, modesty and moderation are key to presenting a pleasant picture to a potential POI. Dresses in dark colors and with hemlines below the knee are ideal. Sleeves should be three-quarters or full in length; no bare shoulders or arms. And absolutely no hint of cleavage. Shoes and purse should match (as much as possible). No open-toed shoes and no sky-high heels. Dangling earrings should not be worn now; diamond, gold or pearl studs can easily be worn during the day and into the evening. Finally, a stylish hat or silk scarf covering much of the hair is now an absolute fashion must when stepping out in public!

Hair should be clean and shiny. Men should keep facial hair as neat and tidy as their head hair. Women might try brushing long hair into a chic straight fall, or sweeping it up into an elegant French roll. A single ponytail or _chignon_ tied at the nape of the neck is easy to put together and will complement almost any attire. A simple makeup job—mascara, light eyeliner, and a daytime lipstick—keeps your face free of unnecessary distractions. (Please try to avoid foundations or powders, especially during the day when the lighting can make them more conspicuous.) Most importantly: Always check inside nostrils for boogies!

The aforementioned fashion recommendations will fit most dating venues: restaurants, coffee shops, sports bars and places of worship. Things change a bit when the dating venue changes to that of a concert or private party. Concerts and private parties each have their own sartorial rules. Usually, if you are attending a public concert, you will be primarily concerned with clothing that will afford you great comfort and agility. Attending concerts can involve a lot of walking, standing in line, and the use of less-than-pristine restrooms. Certain types of performance art can place you squarely in the crosshairs of fistfights and even gun battles. In the unlikely event that you find yourself having to dodge either, you will want to be wearing a comfy pair of jeans and your best running shoes.

With a party, you will dress according to the type of party—house, commercial establishment, special venue such as a yacht or mansion, or outdoor mosh. If you are unsure as to what attire is expected, please do not hesitate to ask the party's host/hostess in a brief text.

APPEARANCES AND CONDUCT AT YOUR DOMICILE

Clean and tidy the most-used places. Use a few fresh flowers, faint or no perfumes, and mere wisps of incense. Dust furniture and artwork, open the curtains, open the windows, and let fresh air inside. Vacuum the floors or carpeting.

Organize your medicine cabinet and closets. You'd be surprised how many people (men and women) secretly look there. Put out clean towels and fresh soap for washing hands. Wash your bathroom mat and dry it in a dryer for eye-pleasing fluff.

If you have a pet(s), introduce them once and then sequester your furry friend in another room (or ventilated closet) with plenty of fresh food and water and a clean tinkle mat or litter box. Your date is there to see you, not Mr. Bullwinkle.

Have easy-listening music playing in the background that doesn't contain distracting lyrics. Celtic songs, smooth jazz, and Spanish guitar tunes are good choices.

Have appetizers and drinks at the ready. Then prepare a quick but hearty meal with ingredients you have discussed with the POI ahead of time.

Afterwards, wash the dishes, tidy the dining area and then serve tea, coffee, or a scotch or warmed brandy with a light dessert. (Keep in mind that there are a LOT of teetotalers out there!)

Keep the conversation as calming and unobtrusive as the music. That means that unless our federal government has raised the threat level to Defcon 2 (one threat level away from an all-out nuclear war), direct your chatter toward soft targets: the weather, the job, pet silliness, etc. This is not the time to launch into political diatribes or to air dirty laundry about neighbors or family members. Also, it is a good idea to not dwell upon one topic for too long. At the very beginning of a romantic relationship, both parties are usually being unnaturally polite and attentive in order to keep the emotional connection strong. So that steadfast earnest expression that you may occasionally find on the POI's face might in fact be stoicism in the face of a mind-numbing rant by you. And what you might believe is a scintillating subject might be an absolute bore to them. In general, keep your conversations short and sweet... at least until you know the POI a little better.

If you are planning to cook dinner, here are some valuable tips:

Keep the meal simple and moderately priced: appetizers, a salad, warmed bread, and baked chicken with broccoli spears and a baked potato are excellent selections. For the first two or three meals, prepare dishes that you have the longest and most successful track records with. You can try to dazzle the POI with that spicy Thai chicken and kale fusion dish once the relationship is on _terra firma_.

It is a good idea to use disposable plastic gloves whenever handling food—raw or cooked.

While preparing the meal, get into the habit of cleaning up as you go. (This takes some practice!) While the food is cooking, wash the prep dishes, keep the counters cleared and wiped, pick up any pieces of food that have fallen upon the floor... and please do so using a sheet of paper towel. NEVER USE YOUR BARE HANDS! As soon as you are done using a skillet or a pot, wash it. _Clear_ and wash the dirty dishes and cutlery used in each meal's course. If you clean as you go, by the time dessert is ready to be served, your dining area and kitchen will look almost as pristine as when your date first arrived. It might impress the POI. _You_ will certainly be impressed and grateful with yourself when you don't have to face several mountains of dirty plates, pots and silverware the next morning.

If you have pets or children living with you who will be present during these first visits, please make sure that they can be trusted to not intimidate or aggravate your date. A stranger who is trying to get to know you better will initially put up with all sorts of uncomfortable situations in order to remain with you, so it's much better if you can avoid these types of hurdles so early on in your relationship. If you have to be out of the room for any length of time (when you are cooking for instance), DO pop your head in on them to make sure that everyone is playing nice.

OVER THE NEXT THREE MONTHS, WHAT CAN GO WRONG?

Plenty, of course!

During the initial phase of a possible relationship, many things—often unknown by either party—are occurring. As you are aware, life continues to keep happening even while we are attempting to "get it all together." If you have taken the proper steps to prepare yourself, then any abrupt left turns in your own life can be navigated with some degree of control. But that doesn't mean your POI's life is under similar mission control. Here's a small list of what can go wrong on the POI's end. I will expand on just a few of them:

• The POI realizes that you are not The One and tells you so.

• The POI experiences a sudden job loss.

• The POI experiences a health scare.

• The POI abruptly stops calling you.

• The POI's ex pops up and renders him or her sorely conflicted.

• It becomes obvious that the POI has a serious addiction problem.

• One or more of the POI's family members dislikes you and is placing pressure upon them to break off the relationship.

• It becomes obvious that the POI has some emotional/behavioral instability.

• You discover that the POI is engaged or married to another person.

SUGGESTIONS FOR HANDLING THE CRISIS

Unemployment happens. If it was a straight layoff, then it is advised that you stand by him or her until they regain employment elsewhere. This does not mean that you offer to pay their rent or mortgage, or supply them with money for bills. It does mean that you show sensitivity to the POI's situation by offering to conduct eat-in dates at your place, asking him or her if they have enough food and gas money to sustain themselves while revving up their job searches, and doing your best to remain realistically positive about the situation. Even in this sometimes challenging economy, a person can find some kind of job to keep the bills paid until they find a job commensurate with their skills. This should take no longer than six months to a year. Hopefully, the POI has family and friends who will shoulder the bulk of their financial and material worries. Always keep in mind that during the first three solid months of a new relationship, there are no real hard and fast commitments on the parts of either of you. If his or her job crisis becomes too uncomfortable for you, you are perfectly within your rights to decline further involvement with the POI. If you decide to take this avenue, please handle it with the utmost compassion and grace. Being dumped by your company AND your POI would be difficult for anyone to bear.

If the POI lets you know that they are not interested in pursuing the relationship any further, please do your best to swallow this unpleasant pill with as much civility as you can muster. And why not? At this point, you have only one more scene in their life (at least as far as the POI is concerned), so you might as well make a lasting _good_ impression by creating a classy exit for yourself. Don't beg the POI to change his or her mind, or issue threats to the POI or to yourself. This will likely result in a restraining order being issued against you as well as a police record. After the final good-byes have been said, do not contact the POI anymore. (This idea will seem especially appealing when you are alone at home and enjoying your second bottle of pity-party wine). Do not become a stalker. Do not deface his or her property. Do not call the POI's co-workers, friends, or family to inquire about the POI's whereabouts, or to interrogate them as to why he or she is no longer in your life. Do nothing of the sort. Let your last scene go something like this: "So-and-so, my heart is breaking. I really thought we had a connection. But apparently I was wrong. I want to thank you for spending time with me. I really enjoyed myself. Good-bye."

Yes, the best parting line for the POI and for yourself is to simply say, "Thank you for these good times." _Why would you say that?_ Because, up until the moment before the POI broke that terrible news to you, you probably _were_ having a good time with him or her. Being with a new person, someone that you are strongly attracted to and dressing up for and holding hands with and watching movies together with and providing encouragement to can bring about explosive happiness, the likes that the typical unattached person will probably never experience (outside the joys of becoming a parent or winning an Oscar or the lottery, etc.). The POI shared in those good times with you voluntarily. You did not have to pay them, blackmail them, or hold a gun to their heads. They did so out of their own free will. For that finite period of time, they may have made you deliriously happy. And so you thank them for that, and in the same vein you thank God for allowing you the opportunity to experience that kind of happiness, even if it was short-lived.

This is my conception of **free love,** even in the face of defeat. You give thanks for that love and then you let it go. Nothing is guaranteed in this life except the IRS and death. Money is not a given. Success is not a given. Joy is not a given. So when it comes along, it is a good idea to give thanks. Then you can begin the grieving process which, by the way, can have its own absurd form of merriment.

If your POI suffers a health scare and you believe that it is something that you can safely handle and support them through, then please do so. If not, then gently remove yourself from the situation at the best possible time for them. This might involve some patience on your part, but a true health emergency will require a great deal of energy for the POI and his or her own tribe to generate. If your POI is counting on you to fulfill some sort of role in this scenario, let him or her know what you can and cannot do right away. This deflects a great deal of expectations away from you. If you truly like this person, then that patience might be to your ultimate benefit. The crisis might not be that severe, or the situation may turn around and you and the POI might be able to re-start the relationship. Or you may even form deeper bonds because of the extra stress and strain. Ultimately, do what is best for BOTH of you. Bailing on someone who might be at one of their lowest points in life is not good for the soul. Remember that old saying: _What goes around comes around._

If your POI abruptly stops communicating with you, or if the phone calls start to become sporadic, or if communication reduces itself to perfunctory texts and cryptic Facebook postings, certainly ask them if there is anything wrong. If you don't receive a definitive response, follow up with the question, "Have I done anything to offend you?" If he or she gives you a noncommittal answer, or no answer at all, then take that as a possible sign that further communication may not be desired _or_ _required_. That sounds confusing, doesn't it? I include it here because at the beginning of any relationship, the daters are still basically strangers... attractive bodies. Neither of you is really aware of the other's rhythms—how much verbal or physical contact they are comfortable with, how they view the process of "falling in love." Their timeline for making a public declaration of love might be quite different from yours. And on and on. As a result, there will probably be times when misunderstandings will arise due to psycho-emotional timing conflicts and not because of any actual cooling down of the POI's ardor for you. My advice is to practice gentle patience and silence. In other words, let the POI set his or her own pace for the relationship. Fortunately, it may eventually be a rhythm that jibes with your own.

Now, there may be times when the relationship abruptly ends for no real (or stated) reason. There may be something strong going on in the POI's life that is preventing them from committing more time with you, or perhaps there was some obvious action on your part that caused them to withdraw from you. Whatever the case, do not continue to press for answers or reasons beyond this point. You risk becoming a source of aggravation and might have your calls and texts blocked. Again, always remember that this is a person whom you do not know very well, do not have a lot of time invested in, and who can be replaced. That sounds cold hearted, but at the end of the day, we are all replaceable in the lives of others.

If an ex emerges from the shadows and you begin to sense that there are some unresolved emotions residing within the POI, withdraw from the situation as quickly and gracefully as possible. If he or she is feeling conflicted about having the two of you in their life, then it means that when the old flame reappeared the POI was not able to immediately tell him or her that they had moved on, was in another relationship, and to please not bother them anymore (or something similar to those statements). If your POI appears to be experiencing significant emotional turmoil, then it more than likely means that he or she still has feelings for the ex. In other words, that relationship has not yet come to a complete stop, and unfortunately you have suddenly become the interloper. This is not the time to blame your POI for misleading you, unless of course he or she has deliberately misled you. Relationships have ragged endings for myriad reasons, preventing couples from neatly severing ties and reaching closure. If he or she is being as truthful to you about the situation as they can be, give them space and let them sort it out. The odds are fifty-fifty that your POI will return to you: Either they will or they won't. But don't count on that. And don't issue ultimatums or time limits. The heart rarely works on a schedule. People feel what they feel until they don't feel it anymore. Do let him or her know that you have enjoyed your time spent together (if indeed you have) and that you are willing to give him or her the space to sort things out. It is recommended that you also let him or her know that you will be actively pursuing other romantic possibilities in the meantime. That is not a ploy to make the POI react in your favor, nor to manipulate his or her emotions. It should just be a stated fact—without bitterness—and one that merits your follow-through.

If your POI begins to display behavior that your gut tells you is homosexual in nature, or if he or she has confided to you that they have experienced homosexual contact in the past but due to religious considerations or conversion therapy is now heterosexual, pull up stakes immediately and hit the road. I believe that a bisexual man or woman is perhaps just a very open-minded homosexual man or woman. Their basic sexuality contains homoerotic desires, but on occasion, a bisexual can become aroused by opposite-sex encounters, too. That may mean that he or she is essentially still gay. And, if you or your POI manages to convince the other of something to the contrary, then you both might be in for quite a letdown. Unless you are prepared to accept the POI's desires for same-sex canoodling—and be prepared for the day when they will probably be driven to act on them and all of that ensuing drama—please tell them, "Thank you. I've had a wonderful time, but it looks like I'm still on my journey to lasting love." And then bid the relationship a fond farewell.

Addiction problems are extremely unpleasant to cope with. In some cases, they can be downright dangerous for both you and the POI. A man or woman can be addicted to alcohol, drugs, pornography, thrill-seeking, eating, hoarding, voyeurism, you name it. To be honest, most Americans suffer from at least two addictions. I tell myself that I drink a six-pack of energy drinks every week because they help keep my asthmatic lungs clear and my mind sharp. While those things are true, it is also true that I thoroughly enjoy the jolt of artificial adrenaline they give me, and when I don't have a can of the stuff with my morning routine, I'm physically off. That's addiction. I also crave specific sweets when suffering from routine stress, and I do not rest until I have them in my cupboards and then inside my mouth. That's addiction. However, my addictions do not cause me to suffer blackouts in memory, or to miss days of work, or lead me to lie and steal and place innocents in danger. My advice: Pick your poison(s) carefully.

Some of these unhealthy fascinations are plugs for real holes in peoples' lives. Or they can become cheap and easily obtained medicines for ghastly emotional and sometimes physical wounds. Also, the availability of practically everything at the touch of our fingertips via the Internet has made us lazy, greedy, anti-social and selfish. These are some of the deadly ingredients that go into a full-tilt addiction problem. There can be a silver lining here, however. Sometimes, an addict who is given the chance to experience healthy emotions, unconditional love, and non-judgmental interactions with a POI can break free from the grips of addiction. _Love can break us or make us_. If you are up to it, and if you believe that the person of interest is a worthy goal, let your love help make him or her into the healthy person that _he or she desires to be_. You may not only be saving their life, but the lives of others.

A similar situation involves an individual with behavioral problems. Now there's a sliding scale here: The problems could be small and manageable. The POI is slightly neurotic, has an obsessive-compulsive disorder, is never on time, or is a low-level hoarder. Whatever. Then you might have slightly larger issues: addictive behavior along with attention disorders, an inability to control negative emotions such as anger and bitterness, an inability to stick to a schedule or to keep a job, or a consistent lack of personal responsibility for committing gross errors in judgment. These are now serious matters that will undoubtedly impact your relationship in some pretty meaningful ways.

But as you are ticking off the mounting negatives, can you also highlight any mounting positives? Has the POI professed his or her love for you in a sincere manner? Are they often kind and courteous to you and others? Even when the POI fails at some task, do you believe that they truly tried to succeed at it? Are you able to address the POI's off-putting behavior without them flipping out or shutting down? Do you love him or her?

As we are still talking about the first three months of a relationship, you still always have the option to bow out. But if you see potential there, potential for the POI to grow, heal, and retire some of those undesirable behaviors, then let him or her know that you will stand by them while they work things through. But the POI MUST follow through on dismantling the negative behavior(s). You do not have to give them a timeline, but let them know that both of you should be looking forward to incremental progress from that moment forward.

If the behavioral issues are quite daunting—bouts with the law or even jail time, serious mental illness, physical violence against you or others, an inability to stay gainfully employed or an inability to live any kind of an independent, constructive life—then you have good reason to place the romantic action on pause or even STOP. These are all giant red flags for you, and you must begin to consider crafting some type of exit strategy for yourself. If the POI is having trouble with the law, then your decision to quit the relationship must take place only after careful planning and when you are confident that you and your loved ones are safe from retaliation. If you find yourself in this type of "bad romance," you must assess the level of danger that you are in: low, high, or extremely high.

**Low Level Danger:** If your POI is merely demonstrably displeased that you are making a left turn in the relationship, and you have every reason to believe that he or she will not jeopardize their reputation, career, or life just to get even with you, then you can probably get by with just alerting your inner circle as to what is going on and providing everyone with all of the POI's particulars (name, age, address, telephone numbers, car make and model, place of employment, links to his or her Facebook page, and whether or not the POI has a current passport).

**High Level Danger:** If the POI is making harassing calls or texts to you or to friends or family members, inflicting damage to your property, slandering you on social media, or even making threats of legal or physical violence against you, then you have a very volatile situation on your hands. The POI has lost their objectivity and vaulted over the normal bounds of propriety. In other words, _they are out of control._

If you find yourself experiencing this type of nightmare, the following tips might be of use:

• Alert your appropriate tribe members about the situation, and give them all of the POI's particulars.

• Run—don't walk—down to your local police station and give them the same information. Do NOT give the police any "do it or else" attitude or come off as hysterical. They are there to maintain the peace, not contribute to a maelstrom. If you live in a particularly overstressed neighborhood or city where law enforcement officers are distracted by a high volume of criminal activity, then your concerns may fall on distracted ears. In either case, right after you visit the police station, and according to your state's gun laws, purchase a revolver (a gun that allows you to manually load the bullets), register it, and sign up for a target shooting class. This is an extreme move and is not to be taken lightly. Gun ownership is a great responsibility, and one should always go into that kill-or-be-killed state of mind with the fervent hope that you will never have to use your weapon.

Several years ago, I moved into a very sketchy neighborhood where illegal gunplay was rampant. I decided to purchase a weapon for my own peace of mind. I traveled to a reputable gun dealer in another town and told the agent there that I wanted to purchase a gun that would stop a six-foot-four, two-hundred-fifty-pound person in their tracks. He recommended a .357 Smith & Wesson revolver. It was a magnificent looking device, simple and true. And expensive. I took the gun safety class, took the firearm home, placed a sturdy lock on it, and put it away. I never fired it. I never brandished it or showed it off to friends. _Was it worth buying?_ Yes! The peace of mind that this revolver gave me was priceless. Although I would have been useless in a real gunfight, if pushed, I could certainly let a would-be attacker know that at least I had the _potential_ of defending myself. Later, when I moved into a POI's household that forbade firearms, I sold it to a Texas gun dealer with a "name-your-price" deal. (The dealer was impressed that the gun was not only in pristine condition but also from California.) Another quick tip: Folks, always buy the best equipment. That way, if you must part with it, you can obtain top dollar from the buyer.

Smith & Wesson makes several excellent personal defense handguns for men and women. Taurus also manufactures attractive and reliable firearms. For home defense, U.S. security experts recommend a shotgun. As with the revolvers, please keep a sturdy lock on all guns and completely out of reach of others. Dig a hole beneath your closet floor and bury your weapons there in a weatherproofed, locked steel box. Anything! Just don't ever let them fall into the hands of anyone except yourself.

Another note on gun safety: If, at some point, you begin to experience persistent suicidal or homicidal thoughts, dig up those weapons and _run—don't walk_ —down to your friendly neighborhood pawnshop. Sell ALL of your guns. **Immediately.** (And let's face it: If things are crashing around you, having a few extra bucks in your wallet will probably help.) When things turn around, you can always _consider_ purchasing another set.

As I mentioned before, purchasing a gun is an extreme decision. Why, then, am I suggesting it? Because the only way to defend yourself definitively and when there is no one else around to rescue you is to have a weapon of such power and magnitude that it will make any breed of attacker think twice about following through on any hurtful plans being formed against you or loved ones (or co-workers). A gun is a great equalizer, but only if used properly and safely.

Additionally, if your POI begins to issue threats of any nature, you are well within your right to issue one of your own: "So and so, if you come within x-amount of feet/meters of me or my loved ones, I will hurt you!" And when you say these words, mean them. If someone is planning to ruin or even take your life, or the lives of your loved ones, you had better have an equally strong plan of defense. This is your life in the balance, and you MUST defend it with all that you have.

**Extremely High Level Danger:** Even with the best preparation, your POI can have many other advantages over you and do quite a bit of damage to your way of life and to you specifically: surprise physical attacks, large sums of money and resources to hire detractors, or even superior social and political abilities that allow them to impede or even derail your everyday routines, and so on. If you are feeling truly in peril, then the best strategy will be to GOOD: **G** et **O** ut **O** f **D** odge. Take any others with you who you feel might also suffer harm from the POI.

_Remember: You cannot be physically hurt if you cannot be physically found._ Again, if you are properly prepared (for example, you have your own stuff), you can make this drastic leap AND recover from it. Hopefully, the GOOD event will be a temporary one until the POI either loses interest or gets nullified in some lawful way or suffers a natural death. Then, and only then, can you resume your regular activities.

This is an extreme situation and is not intended to frighten you or to induce paranoia. However, it needs to be included here because it can happen. Preparedness is the key to survival, even in love.

If it comes to light that the POI is engaged to marry another or is actually in an activated marriage, then you have been made the unwitting participant in **adultery**. Your only option here is to quit the relationship as quickly as possible and to never look back. If the POI's wife or husband finds out about the affair, please consider writing a brief note of apology to the wronged party. It would also not be out of the question to also ask him or her for their forgiveness.

# ANTICIPATION OF COMMITMENT

Anticipating a commitment from your POI basically involves three actions on your part:

1. Expect nothing; do nothing.

2. Be grateful.

3. Be loyal to your own life.

This phase of the three-month probationary period is actually the easiest. If you have your game plan worked out, and if you have taken all of the necessary precautions and made all of the vital preparations, then you can set yourself on autopilot and just cruise. This "Goldilocks" period (where everything is just right) allows you to enjoy what is happening to you, to the POI, and to the world around you. Remember: when you seek to connect your life to the life of another, you are also making indirect connections between your POI and your own family, your friends, and your pets. They, too, are (hopefully) joining their lives to this new person and are, to a certain extent, imagining all of the wonderful new possibilities that may be created for you and for them because of this new partnership. No, I'm not strictly talking about financial possibilities, although in some situations, that will certainly be the case. Adding new people to your tribe can bring in a _new_ and _regenerative_ spirit, a different but still _compatible_ energy, and oftentimes a _missing_ skillset.

Oftentimes, a POI can directly or indirectly promote new intellectual vectors for one's tribe. When this happy outcome occurs, the tribe is forever changed for the better. And best of all, these miraculous changes can take place with you keeping your heart and your own will **off** of the controls. Cruise control works best during this phase. That means that you _make no demands of anyone_ , letting each participant (you, the POI, your tribe, the POI's tribe) in the game play out their own parts with minimal direction from you. And, unless you see suspicious or truly disruptive behaviors begin to present themselves, _do nothing!_ I have discovered that when I assumed my own wisdom over a particularly prickly event, my 'wise' ministrations, without fail, made the situation worse. So I have learned that when real conflict arises, oftentimes the only solution is to let God take control of and manage the Kafkaesque emotions that are inherent in love-based relationships.

Is that vast hole in your life filling up with smiles and laughter right before your eyes? Are you able to somehow muster the patience and compassion for others that was not there just weeks ago? Dance for joy! Revel in this miracle! The Goldilocks period generally means you are experiencing the best times of your life. Yes! THE best times of your life! And, during this golden age, when you are patiently awaiting signs of long-term commitment to you from your POI, **do** take the time to express gratitude for what you have. Give thanks for _every_ good thing in your life, not just your POI. If you are healthy and employed, give thanks for those great blessings. If your tribe is relatively intact and moving forward through life, give thanks for that. If your neighbors are friendly, law-abiding, and progressing through their own trials and victories, offer a prayer of thanks to God. ( _Neighbors?_ Yes! We are instructed by the Creator to love _them_ as we love ourselves!)

Congruent with expressing gratitude for blessings upon self and others, it is recommended that you devote much time to maintaining those parts of your life that are independent of your POI. If you enjoyed jogging or hiking before you met the POI, please continue to jog and hike. If you and your college buddies take an annual, guys-only ski trip to Aspen, do it. Keep your contacts with your tribe strong in order to demonstrate loyalty to them and to discretely let all know that while you are hoping that your POI will come forth with that long-term commitment to you, you are also preparing for the possibility that it may never come and are taking steps to have a continuity of love in your life.

Finally, please remember that from your POI's point of view, _you_ are the POI, and _you_ are providing the new regenerative spirit, the fresh energy, and the missing skillset to _their_ tribe. So, during this time, continue to be your best and to look your best while in the presence of either the POI or his or her own tribe. At all times.

If, at the end of three months, you are not _objectively_ satisfied with how the relationship is progressing, by all means let your POI know your feelings in as kind and neutral a tone of voice as possible. Do not issue threats or ultimatums. Do not begin to formulate elaborate plans to manipulate him or her into performing a desired action. (Remember karma. Deception by you may invite deception against you at some point in your life.) Just say your piece and let it go. If things don't substantially improve within a month or two, then you are faced with the decision to either accept things the way they are or to signal that you are departing the relationship for more fertile pastures. That in itself might jumpstart the stall, but do not count on it. The ultimate goal here is to allow the two of you to make up your own minds about each other... without undue pressure from anyone, including you.

So what would a commitment look like? It may come in the form of those cherished words, "I love you." That is generally the checkered flag for the two of you to start your engines and zoom off into the sunset! Or it might be something more subtle: "I really enjoy spending time with you and would like to get to know you better." Or even more subtle: "Hmmm, you actually aren't that bad! Wanna go out again next week?"

Some people even propose, but that is (luckily) the aberration. Three months is too little time to get a full sense of a person. This is not a slight against arranged relationships. It is an affirmation of the Euro-centric way of handling such endeavors... through consistent rapport, the building of trust, and lots of time.

* * *

A long-term commitment should not resemble an act of desperation. For example, don't say, "I'm going to be evicted from my apartment next week. May I bunk with you until I get back on my feet?" Or, "If I'm not engaged (to the 'right' person) by the time I turn thirty, my trust fund cuts out." Or, "My biological clock is ticking so loudly it keeps me up at night. I need to have children now!"

And while it is very possible that your POI can have these types of dramas in their lives and still have very real, very strong feelings for you, you must be clear that if you assist this person, it does not mean that they now have a guardian angel, or one of those walking ATMs, or a fool. You must make that very clear from the beginning so that there are no unhappy misunderstandings down the road.

# PATIENCE AND COMFORTING

In love, as in life, learn to comfort yourself in effective but benign ways in the face of potential disaster. This takes time. Maybe even years. A POI declaring his love for you one day doesn't mean that he or she won't disappoint or seriously wound you on the morrow. Or the POI may even abruptly disappear from your life. As mentioned at the beginning of this manual, there are NO guarantees. In fact, life has an unsettling way of springing trouble upon people when they are feeling their most confident. The trick, then, may be to perform a delicate balancing act that places your outlook on life _and_ your POI midpoint between pessimism and optimism. In this way, you have some protection against unhealthy negativity or blinding joy.

Please note that I wrote "potential" disaster. Oftentimes, what seems to be a hopeless impasse in a relationship winds up being an opportunity for growth for the couple. That sounds like pop psychology babble, but in this case, I recommend that you consider it to be a pearl of wisdom. I have walked through the deserts of the heart, where affection has fled and taken hope with it. But, on at least three occasions, I have found that there can be real continuity of love with that same POI on the other side of these parched patches. However, bear this in mind: Your relationship will have undergone some seismic changes, and these changes may present themselves in undesirable ways. OR, these changes might be absolutely spectacular and infuse you both with greater love and respect for each other. If the foundation of your relationship was strong in the past, then I would say that the latter scenario is more likely.

Temporary separation can allow both parties to do the following:

1) Pine for each other.

2) Objectively reflect on actions, reactions, and inactions by yourself and by the POI. You must refrain from the ego-driven habit of casting yourself as the innocent victim and the POI as the bad guy or girl. Chances are, _both_ of you are the authors of questionable actions and inactions in the relationship.

3) Air serious grievances that would ordinarily be deemed taboo while the relationship was running smoothly. For example, let's say that your POI had a persistent habit of flirting with members of the opposite sex in your presence. Of course, a little bit of innocent flirting should be acceptable in our current society, but in our example, this flirting has sometimes crossed the line and made others uncomfortable (including yourself). If you find yourself taking a deep breath in your relationship (a temporary break), NOW would be a good time to bring up this subject. You not only have a better-rehearsed, non-hysterical way by which to deliver your grievance, but you _both_ have the breathing room to consider the complaint in a more objective manner, without being overly burdened with negative consequences should disagreement arise. Also, if you air a legitimate grievance during a break, you _may_ have more leverage in getting that grievance resolved in your favor. After all, if your POI has deep feelings for you, more than likely they will be willing to do much to win you back into their lives, including making adjustments in their behavior.

Now, if the separation becomes protracted or even permanent, then you are now swimming in choppy waters. If you weren't that invested in the relationship, then this is your opportunity to continue your journey towards true love. This will be a time of personal growth, rediscovery of yourself and your tribe, and the cultivation of fresh excitement as you start to plot your next romantic adventure. However, if you _were_ invested in the relationship, then those choppy waters are deep and there will be no apparent land in sight. If you find yourself in this predicament, please heed the following advice:

a) As the old saying goes, "As long as you wake up above ground, there's hope!" To a large extent that is true. If you are alive, relatively healthy, and have a positive attitude about life, then you are still in the game. If you give up and stop trying, then you place yourself outside of the game. OR, sometimes that is when life gives you another POI! But certainly strive to STAY ALIVE!

b) Stay fit, active, and alert! Real opportunities for new friendships can sail right past you if you are not paying attention to your surroundings.

c) Itemize and record what you learned from the experience—pros and cons—and organize them into easy algorithms (instructions) for your heart and mind so that you can apply the data to your next relationship. For instance, suppose a gentleman remembered that his ex-POI behaved in a more relaxed manner whenever she regularly attended her yoga classes. And suppose this same alert young man did some investigation into yoga and its effects on the female brain and discovered that a behavioral scientist in Buckteeth, Minnesota had based his Ph.D. thesis on the theory that regular yoga instruction produced a twenty-five percent increase in endorphin levels in female brains. Well, this same young man might mentally file that information away and—should he find himself in another relationship with a stressed POI—suggest that she take a yoga class. At the same time, that algorithm would be amended to include instructions to himself to not only be supportive of the new POI's yoga classes but perhaps to look into taking the class himself.

d) Circle back to the beginning: know yourself, heal yourself, love yourself.

# SUMMARY

Seeking and finding your true love is an experience unlike any other. True love can be one of the most enduring motivations for living life to its fullest. At the outset of this fantastic journey, you will be best served by **preparation, perseverance, and patience.** These _applied_ behaviors will help you to maintain your own way of life even as you seek to join it with the life of another person.

**Know yourself. Heal yourself. Love yourself.** If you can accomplish these three things, then you will have the emotional wherewithal to love another human being.

**Have your own belief system.** After you have figured out who you are, determine what you stand for. Name your god, formalize your principles, and present your case for an ideal world in your own thoughts and deeds.

**Have your own stuff**. Be as financially and materially independent as possible. Have a place of refuge prepared for yourself in case you have to beat a hasty retreat from your current way of living, AND have it fully prepped and paid for.

**Seek quality, not quantity.** Set high standards for your prospective partner and be prepared to deliver the same.

**Create a support team for yourself** so that you have people who can keep track of your whereabouts, stay informed of your dating progress to cheer you on and offer informed advice when necessary. A designated support team member can also serve as a dispatcher between you and others when you are on the move.

**Try your best to avoid the "dufus" label.** Stay current with news, technology, world affairs and commercial entertainment. Practice good grammar. Having at least a rudimentary understanding of math, science, history and geography is also very helpful.

**Surprisingly, even in this fast-paced and technology-based age, old-fashioned civility, good manners, and proper etiquette can still hold sway over educated hearts and minds.** If a man or woman is unsure about what constitutes civility, etiquette, and good manners these days, they can turn to many good books and Internet articles on these topics. Employing role models to assist with learning how to exhibit classic poise and grace in public settings might be useful as well.

Regardless of a person's status or income, the modern dater should expect to consistently make his or her best efforts towards making a romantic relationship successful, and they should expect the same level of commitment and energy from any potential partner.

**A person can either learn or burn from love.** Being in love is a lot like living in an altered state of reality, where a person can believe themselves invincible to harm, even from lovers. That same deluded thinking can leave a person vulnerable to the dark side of human nature. Many people suddenly find themselves locked into relationships with toxic or even dangerous individuals without fully understanding how it happened or how to safely break free. Therefore, love freely and generously, but keep your eyes and ears open. Trust your gut instincts. Don't go against your conscience just to win favor with a desirable man or woman. Always stay awake and vigilant, even when things appear to be going smoothly. Take real precautions to protect yourself and your loved ones from the unhealthy elements in our society.

**Finally, do not attempt to bend love to your own will.** If you have succeeded in finding it, do not manipulate it for your own advantage. Do not abuse it. Do not take it for granted, for just as suddenly as it came into your life, it can just as suddenly depart from your life. Do not hold it too tightly, but never let it stray too far from your mind or your heart.

**If you have not yet experienced love, wait patiently for it.** Stay awake. And be prepared.

Good luck!

### Endnotes

[1] In modern sci-fi, a metahuman is an artificially enhanced human being whose enhancement has given them superpowers, i.e., great physical strength, the ability to fly, unobtainium claws, etc.

[2] Not his real name

[3] If you ever find yourself on the brink of a bad season or are already in the throes of one, I have a few tips to offer based upon my own experiences. Even if you consider yourself an atheist or an agnostic, please give them a try! Tip 1: Get on your knees and say out loud, "Almighty God, please hear the prayer that I'm about to pray to you now! And, thank you for paying attention to me! Oh, King of the Universe, I am in great distress. Such-and-such has happened and I/we need your immediate rescue. God, forgive me for my sins against you and please consider helping me/us." Then wait a few seconds before continuing. "God, I place myself/us upon your mercy seat, and if you will hear this prayer and consider showing me/us your mercy, I will (do one of the following): 1. Wash, dry, and put away the dishes each night. 2. Make my bed every morning. 3. Stop talking so much. 4. Drop the pampered prince/ princess act and strive to become a decent, law-abiding citizen. 5. Read from your Bible at least once a week." I know: It sounds completely insane. But at pivotal times in my life, when all H-ll was breaking loose, offering up a similar prayer would work. _My situation got better!_ Tip 2: You must follow through and hold up your end of the bargain as best as you can!

[4] _Super Graphic: A Visual Guide to the Comic Book Universe_ by Tim Leong, Chronicle Books

[5] These two icons actually met at an official engagement during a royal tour of the U.S. by Diana and her husband, HRH Prince Charles. Mrs. Kennedy was an extremely private person, and so her appearance at an event honoring the famous couple was seen as a public blessing upon Diana. It is reported that Mrs. Kennedy's only private remark about the princess was, "Gosh, she talks too much!" That's hilarious.

