>> Ricky: (smooth DJ voice) Ooh, that's them
Red Hot Chili Peppers and they can't stop.
I'm Ricky Gervais, with me Steve Merchant
and Karl Pilkington. You're listening to XFM
104.9. Coming through today, it's noisy again
out there.
>> Steve: It's a nightmare.
>> Ricky: Lot a' people marching up and down...
>> Steve: What's that about?
>> Ricky: Well... From what I can work out
there's hundreds of 'em, millions of 'em.
And they're all shouting really loudly. "What
do we want?" "Peace!" "When do we want it?"
"Now!" "What do we want?" "Peace!" I want
to go shush...
Steve: Yeah...
Ricky: I want a bit of peace on a saturday.
Keep it down.
Steve: Please, I can barely hear myself think.
Ricky: I know! And he's not listening. Tell
ya he's not listening. He can't hear you from
there...
Steve: You may as well give up... He's not
listening. There was a million of you last
time, it didn't do anything!
Ricky: Hey but Steve that's no attitude, you
know what? I couldn't find Boy George's "War,
war is stupid", so here's a bit of Dylan.
>> Ricky: Bob Dylan. “The Times They Are
a-Changin’” on X--
>> Steve: The thing is, Rick. Thing is, Rick,
it makes me wonder if, uh, the times- are
they changing? I mean, it seems to me that
life’s pretty much the same as it was way
back in the sixties when Bob Dylan wrote that
song.
>> Ricky: Got any idea what you’re talking
about?
>> Steve: No idea whatsoever, Rick.
>> Ricky: You don’t really know about politics,
do ya?
>> Steve: Nope, know anything about it. Don’t
even read the papers, got no-no interest,
really.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: Not particularly informed, my life’s
cushty. Uh, won some awards and stuff, didn’t
bother me. So, um--
>> Ricky: On a serious note, though, it is
a bit worrying.
>> Steve: What?
>> Ricky: Do I have to get gas masks or summat?
>> Steve: No, because there are guys out there
in Leicester Square today wearing novelty
hats.
[Ricky chuckles]
>> Steve: If they don’t sort this war out--
>> Ricky: Oh worries.
>> Steve: Then no one can.
>> Ricky: Okay. Well, I’m not gonna talk
about it anymore.
>> Karl: You see, you see, you-you would worry
about it.
>> Ricky: I would worry about it?
>> Karl: Well, you. Maybe Steve.
>> Ricky: Why?
>> Karl: Sort of people who-who are successful
are worrying about it more than other people.
Just cause--
>> Ricky: Go on.
>> Karl: Well, they’ve got more to lose,
haven’t they?
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: Right.
>> Karl: No, d’you know what I mean? You
see, like, Bruce Willis on the telly saying,
“Oh.”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Karl: “It’s not good, is it?” And
it’s because he’s got a big house and
loads of cars. If you live, you know, on a
council estate it’s like, “Well… if
it gets bombed, probably doing us all a favour.
We’ll get nice, new blocks of flats to live
in an’ that.” It happened with Manchester!
With the, with the bomb that happened and
they bombed the Arndale Centre. Did us a favour.
Got a nice, new Marks & Spencers an’ that.
>> Ricky: So this- hold on. This puts a whole
new twist on the argument when people say
bombing the world’s poorest countries is
wrong. Cause I remember when the Afghan problem
was on, people were saying, “Bombing the
world’s poorest country’s wrong,” but-but
it’s like home improvement, according to
you then.
>> Steve: Yeah. Cause they’ve got a brand
new B & Q, have they, over now?
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Steve: They’re popping down there every
Sunday.
>> Karl: Anyway. Let’s not go on about it,
cause--
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Well, think what you’re saying.
>> Karl: Yeah, I know.
>> Steve: “My family was killed, but look!
A Carpet Warehouse!”
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: D’you know, I-I-I think, you know,
people don’t want to hear about this today
from us. They want to hear, you know, the
new features, the "Songs of Phrase."
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Steve: Woah. What’s "Songs of Phrase?"
>> Karl: It’s the feature we started last
week--
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: Right.
>> Karl: Where we, where we take clips of
songs, we make up a phrase from the show.
>> Ricky: I mean, a famous phrase. Last-last
week’s world famous phrase was “There’s
this hairy Chinese kid.”
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: You’ll remember.
>> Steve: Yes.
>> Karl: Well, it was, it was called "Crosswords"
last week, but Phil e-mailed in a good suggestion.
>> Steve: Right.
>> Karl: Said, “Call it 'Songs of Phrase.'”
>> Steve: Brilliant.
>> Ricky: "Songs of Phrase." "Songs of Phrase."
Per-perfect.
>> Karl: So we’ll lose that.
>> Ricky: Have we got- are we still going
with “Cheap as Chimps?”
>> Karl: Uh--
>> Steve: We’re persevering with that, are
we?
>> Karl: Got-got some "Cheap as Chimps" lined
up.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: We’ll be doing that before three
o’clock.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: Great!
>> Karl: Again, who else can say that?
[Steve chuckles]
>> Steve: So, good. So for the next two hours
everyone should just bury their head in the
sand, ignore the world’s problems and, uh,
enjoy Ch- features such as "Cheap as Chimps"--
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: And--
>> Ricky and Steve: "Songs of Phrase."
>> Karl: And a bit of Turin Brakes.
>> Steve: Aw, class.
>> Ricky: Oh!
>> Ricky: Trying to stop suddenly in Italy.
T.B. Turin Brakes. It’s like a “Rockbuster,”
Karl.
>> Karl: They were the good ol’ days.
>> Ricky: I know. Yeah. “Pain Killer”
on XFM 104.9. But look; “Rockbusters”
is gone. Forget “Rockbusters.” Long live
“Songs of Phrase.” Over to you Karl.
>> Karl: Alright, well--
>> Steve: You know “Rockbusters” was one
of the things they were protesting about next-
last time.
[Ricky chuckles]
>> Steve: That-that was one of- I just had
to listen to them. They just kept stopping
me in the street as I was trying to get to
the tube. “You’ve got to stop ‘Rockbusters.’
It’s run out of steam,” they said and
I’m glad.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: That’s why they always do it on
a Saturday.
>> Ricky: Yeah! Yeah.
>> Karl: They make their way to Leicester
Square for three o’ clock.
[Steve chuckles]
>> Ricky: Yeah. Right.
>> Karl: Uh, “Songs of Phrase.” Uh, what
it is--
>> Steve: “Songs of Phrase!”
>> Karl: We take a phrase from the show. Last
week it was, “There’s this hairy Chinese
kid.” Alright?
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Today we’re going back to the good
old line of, uh, that you never see an old
man eating a Twix.
>> Steve: Sure.
>> Karl: Alright?
>> Ricky: How long is that?
>> Karl: No. “You’ll never see an old
man eating a Twix.”
>> Ricky: You’ll. Never. See. An. Old. Man.
Eating. A. Twix.
>> Karl: It’s not as many as you think,
though. It’s not that many.
>> Ricky: Well, how-how is it not that many!?
>> Karl: Well, first of all, anyway, don’t
worry about that. I think there’s about
five, I think. Hang on a minute.
>> Ricky: (sighing) Oh, God. Why do we leave
him alone to do this, Steve?
>> Steve: I don’t understand.
>> Ricky: Do you know what I mean? He alway-
it’s like- I tell you what, we were flying
then--
>> Karl: There’s six, six different songs.
>> Ricky: Six different songs!
>> Steve: That’s a lot to get, Karl.
>> Karl: But what happened is, I couldn’t
find a song with “Twix,” so we’ve changed
the chocolate.
>> Ricky: Oh, this is rubbish!
[Steve laughs]
>> Ricky: We’re not doing it. We’re not
doing it. No, I mean, you’ve got to be punished.
We’re not doing this. Do a--
>> Karl: No, you’ll like it!
>> Ricky: No, no, no. No, shut up, Karl. No.
I-
>> Steve: Well--
>> Ricky: No, no, no, no! We’re not doing
it.
>> Steve: He’s put a lot of effort in.
>> Ricky: So what?
>> Steve: You’re right.
>> Ricky: He’s got to do it right. He’s
got to do it right. There’s too many, we’ve
said too many. It’s not- he’s changed
the thing. It’s not a one-off phrase. It’s
ridiculous! It’s pointless.
>> Steve: Rick, if only his parents had spoken
like that to him sometime in the past--
>> Ricky: Do you know what I mean?
>> Steve: We wouldn’t be in this discussion
now.
>> Ricky: Right, you’re not doing it.
>> Karl: Aw, come on.
>> Ricky: No! We’re not doing it. Steve,
what have you- uh, what’d you think?
>> Steve: I’ll tell you, we’ve got the
prizes--
>> Ricky: Yeah!
>> Steve: But I’m not even going to bother
giving- I’m not even going to bother. I-I
think we’ll just share them out amongst,
um--
>> Ricky: Right, um--
>> Steve: Homeless.
>> Ricky: Absolutely. N-no. There’s-there’s
troubles in the world and I’m not going
to let you faff around doing nonsense like
that.
>> Karl: No, but--
>> Ricky: It’s ridiculous!
>> Karl: Let’s-let’s do it for this week.
>> Ricky: No, let’s play a beautiful song.
What do you think, uh--
>> Steve: I’d love to hear a great song.
>> Ricky: Yeah, “The Times They Are a-Changin.‘”
We’ve said that. Um, “Look--
>> Steve: Rick, I know you’re--
>> Ricky: “at mother nature on the run.
Look at mother nature on the run,” Steve!
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Play it.
>> Karl: So we’re not doing--
>> Ricky: No!
>> Steve: It’s your own fault.
>> Ricky: Neil Young.
>> Steve: Beautiful.
>> Ricky: “After the Gold Rush.” One of
the most beautiful, poignant songs ever, I
think.
>> Steve: Great lyrics and that. “Look at
mother nature on the run in the nineteen seventies.”
I- forget the nineteen seventies, Rick. I’m
beginning to wonder if, uh, that’s just
as truthful nowadays in, uh--
>> Ricky: Right--
>> Steve: In the year two thousand and three.
>> Ricky: I’ve told you before; you’ve
got no idea. You don’t know anything about
the world or politics so I don’t know why
you persist.
>> Steve: I don’t know why I keep saying
it, meself, Rick. I’m a political incompetent.
I don’t know why I keep spouting on with
this drivel.
>> Ricky: Right, it’s--
>> Steve: It’s “The Guardian,” I think,
that’s doing it to me.
[Ricky and Steve quietly laugh]
>> Steve: It’s all second-hand information.
I just read it in there and I--
>> Ricky: So it’s a good idea to keep--
>> Steve: Exactly.
[Ricky and Steve talk over each other]
>> Ricky: You don’t really care, do you,
about anything in the world, really, as long
as it doesn’t affect you?
>> Steve: No, I’m got- I haven’t- exactly!
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: Unless I’m personally affected
by these things, I don’t care less!
>> Ricky: Well, I’m the same. Now, Karl.
The big question, as we know, at the moment,
is whether we’re going to let you do “Songs
of Phrase” or not.
>> Steve: Rick, I should tell you now there
has been a flood of- oh, no there hasn’t.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: Sorry, I was, I was thinking there
had been a flood of e-mails, but it was people
agreeing with you, Rick.
>> Ricky: I know, I know Tony Blair has been
trying to get through.
>> Steve: (laughing) Yeah, exactly.
>> Steve: Um, I’m just checking the e-mails
now. There’s-there’s absolutely nothing
supporting you, Karl.
>> Ricky: So, no one gives a sod either way
about that.
>> Steve: No, well that’s not fair. There
were a couple of phone calls, weren’t there?
One was a guy saying you should. I think the
other one was you, Karl, was it? Phoning from
the kitchen?
[Ricky and Steve chuckle]
>> Karl: Can we do it? Can we do it, right?
>> Ricky: Uh, no!
>> Karl: If you don’t like it, we won’t
do it next week, but--
>> Ricky: But-but--
>> Karl: I’ve made it.
>> Ricky: I don’t know what- I don’t know
why you did that. I- we had thought of lots
of stuff for you could do. You chose one where
you have to have ten words and six songs to
choose. You haven’t got “Twix.” I don’t
know what you’ve substituted “Twix”
for.
>> Steve: Okay, I ne- I-I’ve got to say
now, I’m gonna sit on the fence here. I’m
quite intrigued.
>> Ricky: Okay, right. Wha-what--
>> Steve: To hear it.
>> Ricky: What have you substituted “Twix”
for?
>> Karl: Well, you- I can’t tell ya!
>> Steve: We’ll hear.
>> Ricky: Course you can!
>> Karl: No, I can’t because people have
to listen to it and work out--
>> Steve: Alright, let’s just hear it.
>> Ricky: No!
>> Steve: Let’s hear it--
>> Ricky: No, no, no, no, no. They ha- they
know what- they have to know what the word
is. They have to tell what the song is or
the, or the artist.
>> Karl: I prefer just to play it.
>> Ricky: No! You’ve got to tell ‘em what
it is cause they might not even know what
word they’re looking for!
>> Steve: I think we should just- let’s
just- let’s hear him out, Rick. Please.
Democracy! That’s what we’re fighting
for!
[Ricky giggles]
>> Steve: Come on!
>> Karl: Right, you turn them up.
>> Ricky: Right. Okay, I’ve got me headphones
on. Go on then!
>> Karl: Alright.
>> Steve: Okay, so, right. Hang on. The phrase,
originally, was--
>> Karl: Is, uh, “You never see an old man
eating a Twix.”
>> Steve: Right and we’re trying to identify
the- well, a number of songs, which you’ve
used to make up that phrase.
>> Karl: And you e-mail in, XFM.co.uk/Ricky,
with as many as you can get and whoever gets
the most right--
>> Ricky: It’s so complicated.
>> Steve: It is complicated.
>> Karl: It’s not!
>> Ricky: So complicated.
>> Karl: Alright, here we go. Here we go.
>> Steve: I’m baffled by the e-mail address!
I couldn’t figure that out.
>> Ricky: What’s the e-mail address again?
>> Karl: XFM.co.uk/Ricky.
>> Steve: Right.
>> Ricky: Alright?
>> Steve: And there’s some link on there,
is there, that--
>> Karl: Yeah, that you just press and it
comes through.
>> Steve: Brilliant.
>> Karl: Alright, here we go and then, right?
[And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a.
Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.]
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: What? I missed a little bit at the
end.
[Ricky continues to laugh]
>> Steve: Let’s here it again, let’s here
it again.
>> Ricky: “Mars bah bah bah.”
>> Steve: Let’s hear it again.
>> Ricky: Oh!
[And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a.
Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.]
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Ricky: Oh, God! Okay. Say the prizes, Steve.
>> Steve: Right, so how many songs were there?
Do we know?
>> Karl: Uh, I think it was six.
>> Ricky: Ohh.
>> Steve: You think there was six?
>> Ricky: (singing) “And you’ll never.
See. An old man. Eat-” Oh. F-oh, it might
be five.
>> Steve: Five or six.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: Anyway! Why not e-mail in the answers
and how many there were and, uh, you might
be in with a chance of winning on DVD the
original series of “Citizen Smith” with
Robert Lindsay. That was good. Uh, Paul Whitehouse’s,
uh, “Happiness.” The first series of that
on DVD. We’ve also got couple of CDs here.
“The Best of Britpop: Live.” “Live Forever,”
Oasis, Blur, Radiohead and all the rest of
them on there.
>> Ricky: That’s alright.
>> Steve: Supergrass’s, uh, current album
as well.
>> Ricky: That’s alright.
>> Steve: I think it’s their current album.
Yeah, it is. And, um--
>> Ricky: Okay.
>> Steve: Less convinced by this one. If I
tell you that some of the artists include
Del Amitri--
[Ricky giggles]
>> Steve: And, uh, Deacon Blue then I know
you’ll be rushing out later, Rick, to buy
this. “Scotland Rocks!”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: A compilation of--
>> Ricky: Is Wet Wet Wet on there?
>> Steve: Uh, let’s see--
>> Ricky: What about Bis? What happened to
Bis?
>> Steve: Let me see. I’m not going- I’ll
tell ya, it doesn’t- I mean, we’ve got
Gun on there.
>> Ricky: Oh, yeah.
>> Steve: We’ve got--
>> Ricky: (singing) “Oh, baby lately.”
>> Steve: Uh, Aztec Camera.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: Big Country, obviously.
>> Ricky: Eh, Proclaimer’s not on there?
>> Steve: Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute,
where’s Runrig? There they are. There they
are and, uh, obviously Rafferty, “Baker
Street.” (singing) Do do do, doodle loodle
doo.
>> Ricky: Brilliant.
>> Steve: So that’s-that’s definitely
worth, um, entering for, surely.
>> Karl: So, XFM.co.uk/Ricky. It- play it
one more time.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Just-just- alright.
[And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a.
Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.]
[Ricky giggles]
>> Steve: Class. Pure class. Well done.
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Steve: Okay?
>> Ricky: Yeah. Okay, play a record.
>> Ricky: Oasis, “Stop Crying Your Heart
Out” on XFM 104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais.
With me, Stephen Merchant and Karl Pilkington.
Karl’s, uh, competition is in full swing
now. I just want to remind you when playing
“Songs of Phrase” and trying to guess
the, uh, the songs and artists- what do you
want, songs or artists?
>> Karl: I think songs.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: Alright.
>> Ricky: But tha-that’s ambiguous, isn’t
it, what a song title is, where--
>> Steve: Yeah, I think it should be the artists,
definitely.
>> Ricky: Maybe the artist that cleans it
up really- yeah?
>> Steve: Yeah. Artists.
>> Ricky: Should we do artists?
>> Steve: Artists.
>> Ricky: Okay, you know- if they know what
it is cause tha-that’ll stop any ambiguity,
won’t it? Um, and, uh, don’t worry if
you haven’t got all of them because the
winner last week didn’t have all of them,
but it’s the-the closest one. I understand
when you’re trying to guess what’s in
Karl’s mind, you can only get so close.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Do you know what I mean? He’s-he
wants us to bring in Derren Brown. He go,
“Cause he won’t be able to read me mind.”
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: And I think he’s right.
>> Steve: I think he might be.
>> Ricky: I think he’s the one person that
could outwit Derren Brown.
>> Steve: Mm. Yeah.
>> Ricky: Um, now, uh, moving on, Karl. If
we have to.
>> Steve: Well, should we just play it very
quickly, uh, just play again--
>> Ricky: Go on, then. One more time. Here
it is, “Songs of Phrase.”
[And you neee-ver. See. An old man. Eat a.
Maaaaaaaars. Bar bar bar.]
>> Ricky: Cause-cause- because you have to
get, you know- it is very difficult, so, you
know, song or artist. We-we’ll give points
if you’re, if you’re close to any of those
and, uh, we’ll choose a winner, so, uh,
you know, do--
>> Steve: And what do points mean? Crap prizes!
>> Ricky: XFM.co.--
>> Karl: XFM.co.uk--
>> Ricky and Karl: Slash Ricky.
>> Ricky: Right. Now. We’ve got people to
send in, uh, a little thing of you last week,
didn’t we? The film “Freaks.”
>> Steve: You got a treat.
>> Ricky: You got a few, you got a few sent
in. You watched it, did ya?
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Steve: Now I should just point out that
the film “Freaks,” uh, for those that
don’t know was a movie that was released
in, I think, the- well, actually, it was del-
it was originally made in about 1932, something
like that, and then it was--
>> Ricky: Banned for about fifty years!
>> Steve: For many- for many, many years because
it did, in actual fact, feature, for want
of a better phrase, real life freaks.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: Um, bearded ladies being one of
the more, kind of, familiar ones.
>> Ricky: Guy with no arms and legs.
>> Steve: There’s all sorts and, uh, it
was actually quite a- it’s quite a tender
film, isn’t it, and actually portrays them
as a kind of dysfunctional family. It’s
not, it’s not exploitative in that sense,
but, uh, what do you make of it, Karl?
>> Ricky: Well, you were watching it for the
freaks, weren’t ya?
>> Steve: Ha!
>> Karl: Yeah. I mean, I wish- it does take
a while to get on to it. Where-
>> Steve: What do you mean?
>> Karl: Well, straight-away I was disappointed,
right? Cause at the start, like, you put it
in. It’s like, “Oh, brilliant. Here we
go.” You know, I said to Suzanne, “We’ll
watch this. We’ll have a good night.”
>> Steve: Yeah. Have a romantic night.
>> Ricky: (laughing) Was it her birthday?
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: “You’ve got your gloves, now
we’re going to watch some freaks.”
>> Karl: So, uh, put it on and it starts off
and it’s like, you know, “The following
film.” You think, “Ooh.” Like, “The
following film is rated fifteen,” which
means, you know, might contain scenes of violence,
bad language and sex.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: Mentioned nothing about pinheads!
>> Steve: Right.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Karl: So I thought they missed a trick
there.
>> Steve: Yeah.
[Ricky continues to laugh]
>> Karl: Alright? So I thought, “Well, let’s-let‘s--”
>> Ricky: Ohh.
>> Karl: “Let’s go ahead and watch--”
>> Steve: And what exactly is a pinhead?
>> Karl: Ohh. If you’ve seen it, you’d
know.
>> Steve: Okay.
>> Karl: Right? So, uh, not the best thing
in it, either. So imagine that.
>> Steve: Okay, so you’re watching it…
>> Karl: So, sat there. I think, “Alright.”
Then something comes on and-and the little
fellas on there, the little fella we were
talking about, The Pillow Man--
>> Steve: Right.
>> Ricky: Is he the best thing in it?
>> Steve: Now what’s The Pillow Man, again?
>> Karl: He’s a fella who, years ago, uh-
he’s got no arms and legs.
>> Steve: Right. He’s just a torso.
>> Karl: Just rolls- yeah. And, uh, there’s
a scene where you see him, sort of, rolling
a cigarette up just using his mouth--
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: And it’s like he likes it an’
stuff. That-that’s weird. And then, uh,
what else is on it?
>> Ricky: Smoking stunts your growth.
>> Karl: And then there’s a, there’s a
little-little fella on it who- he’s fed
up because he looks five, but he’s actually
thirty-four.
>> Steve: (chuckling) Right.
>> Karl: Right? But there’s a woman--
[Ricky and Steve chuckle]
>> Karl: Who is forty-two and looked eight.
So they both have the opposite thing, they
were both really fed up and I kind of thought
that shows that, you know, you always want
what someone else has got.
>> Steve: Sure.
>> Karl: Do y’know what I mean?
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah.
>> Karl: So, in a way, there’s a story there--
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: In that.
>> Ricky: No, you- they- you just described
the same, there.
>> Karl: No, no, no. No, it was like--
>> Ricky: No, they both- you-you’ve just
said they-they both looked young, but they
were actually both older.
>> Karl: No, no, no. This was like a little
man--
>> Ricky: Yeah. Who was thirty-five.
>> Karl: Who was thir-thirty-five.
>> Ricky: And looked eight.
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Ricky: And so did she.
>> Karl: No, well the other way around, then.
>> Ricky: What? So she was an eight-year old
that looked thirty-five?
>> Karl: Yeah. Oh, maybe not, then.
>> Steve: Anyway!
>> Ricky: No!
>> Karl: But that-that wasn’t that weird.
I kind of thought it's a slow start an' that.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: And then, uh--
>> Ricky: It’s not, it’s not a difficult
film to follow.
>> Steve: No.
>> Karl: Yeah, but I wasn’t really listening
to what it’s all about. I was just looking
at what they had and they had, like, a fella
who’s running about just--
>> Ricky: He act like he was shopping!
[Steve quietly chuckles]
>> Karl: You know. Uh, they had a fella with
no legs and he’s running about on his hands.
>> Ricky: Right.
>> Karl: And sort of got about on a skateboard.
Talking to someone about it. They said that’s
how “E.T.” was done. There’s actually
a-a little fella in “E.T.--”
>> Steve: Right.
>> Karl: Who’s just half of, um, sort of
half a body.
>> Ricky: Is that true?
>> Steve: I have no idea. I’ve never heard
that before.
>> Ricky: Why haven’t we heard that before?
>> Steve: I’ve never heard that before.
>> Ricky: I don’t think he would fit in
E.T. Cause he’s got- cause where’s the
head? He’s got no neck, E.T. It’s a skinny
little thing. A human neck couldn’t fit
in that skinny little neck.
>> Karl: Well.
>> Ricky: Well!
>> Steve: Are you sure it wasn’t Kenny Baker
up to his old tricks?
>> Ricky: What are you talking about, Karl?
There’s a fella with no legs in “E.T.?”
>> Karl: In “E.T.,” they had two-two fellas,
right? I think they had a little, um, a midget
fella.
>> Steve: Right.
>> Karl: Who did it and then I think he was
off sick and they were like, “Ooh.” You
know, “What else are we gonna, just--”
>> Ricky: You make- the-the- I--
>> Steve: So-so a guy’s on a skateboard
going by…
>> Karl: And said, “Do you fancy some work?”
>> Steve: (chuckling) Right.
>> Karl: And he’s done it. I think- someone
told me. I mean, it might be wrong.
>> Ricky: Exactly!
>> Karl: Might be wrong.
>> Ricky: He might be, mightn’t be! I mean,
you’ve never been wrong before so I don’t
know why you’d be wrong there. So what’s
the worst thing in it?
>> Steve: Now, it’s intriguing to me because
here’s a film called “Freaks” featuring
real-life freaks and you’re sort of a bit
nonplussed by it.
>> Karl: Just cause it wasn’t- because it’s
built up- if you call a video “Freaks,”
you’ve got to make sure that there’s some
good stuff on there.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: What were you disappointed about?
Was it that--
>> Karl: Because there was a few things on
it, right? There was a woman who said she
was half man, half woman and it’s like,
you’re not, are ya? It was just like she
had some makeup on. I thought, “Well, that’s
rubbish.” And then there was a woman who
could eat using her feet. That isn’t that
freaky, d’you know what I mean? If she’s
not hungry, she looks normal.
>> Steve: Yeah.
[Steve laughs]
>> Karl: And that’s when I was thinking-
I mean, I’m not being, not being- right,
Steve. You know I’m not being funny.
>> Steve: Oh, here we go.
>> Karl: No, no, no, but I’m-I’m just
saying…if that woman wasn’t eating and
you were sat next to her--
[Ricky quietly laughs]
>> Karl: In that film.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: I’d probably be, sort of, drawn
to you more than her.
[Ricky quietly laughs]
>> Karl: I’m not…I-I know you hate me
saying it, but there’s no point, sort of,
pretending.
[Ricky quietly laughs]
>> Karl: Do you know what I mean?
>> Steve: Oi! Muttley! What you- what are
you sniggering about?
>> Ricky: (laughing) The fact that he’s…what,
you mean that there pe- ther are things in
it that were less- what are you saying?
>> Karl: I’m just saying--
>> Steve: Play a record. Seriously, I’ll
slap you. I’m going to slap you live on
air.
>> Karl: Yeah, but you always get--
>> Steve: I’m going to- right, I’m slapping
you live on air, I swear to God.
>> Karl: Alright, play a song, then.
>> Ricky: Just play a song.
>> Karl: I’ll play the song.
>> Steve: Keep the fader up!
[Slapping sound]
>> Ricky: Oh! Oh ho ho!
>> Steve: Bruce Springsteen, “Atlantic City”
from the album “Nebraska.”
>> Ricky: It’s so melancholy, that one.
I love that one.
>> Steve: Brilliant.
>> Ricky: Well. Um, so “Freaks,” then.
All in all, not-not as, not as amazing as
you first hoped.
>> Karl: It was, it was built up too much.
Do y’know what I mean?
>> Ricky: Really?
>> Karl: It’s like--
>> Ricky: Is that my fault for getting you
excited? I just can’t believe that I hand
you this thing on a plate…
>> Karl: I don’t know. And I’m not, I’m
not being out of order, Steve, I'm just--
>> Steve: Sure.
>> Karl: I’m just being honest.
>> Steve: Sure.
>> Karl: We’ve always said that about this
show.
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah.
>> Karl: We only talk about stuff, you know--
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah.
>> Karl: That, you know, being honest an’
that.
>> Steve: Yeah, no, sure.
>> Karl: And I’ve-I’ve always said the
first time I saw ya--
>> Steve: Sure, no, no. You’ve always been
honest and I’ve always been honest with
you. I’ve always said that, you know, you’ve
got the, uh, you’ve got the intelligence
and insight of a gnat.
>> Karl: Yeah, but if I, if I keep quiet,
people don’t know that.
>> Steve: Sure.
>> Ricky: (laughing) Alright! Don’t get--
>> Steve: Incredibly-incredibly you do, Karl,
cause you look stupid, as well.
>> Karl: Well. You know.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: No, but Karl was being nice then.
You-you don’t, you don’t--
>> Karl: I’m just saying you’re a good
bloke and now I’ve got to know ya--
>> Steve: Sure. Yeah.
>> Karl: Yeah?
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah.
>> Ricky: No, no--
>> Karl: The first time was weird was when
I saw ya.
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
>> Ricky: No, leave it. Don’t (unintelligent).
Just let him get on with it.
>> Karl: No, no, I’m-I’m just saying--
>> Ricky: Okay.
>> Karl: The first time--
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: It was weird an’ that and then
weeks go by.
>> Steve: Sure.
>> Ricky: And you- okay.
>> Karl: And the weird thing is, I kind of
thought, “Maybe he’s not that odd-looking.”
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
>> Karl: Right?
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
>> Karl: And then you went to L.A. for three
weeks--
>> Steve: Sure.
>> Karl: And when you came back, it was like
the first time again.
>> Ricky: Right!
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah.
>> Ricky: Okay--
>> Karl: No, I’m just--
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Okay, no, just stop it now!
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
>> Ricky: Everyone stop it now!
>> Steve: No, but I just, I just think I’m
a little bit more consistent cause I’ve
always thought you were an idiot.
>> Ricky: No, no, no. (yelling) I don’t
want this! Don’t argue! He was just- okay--
>> Steve: No, I just, you know, I’m, you
know what I mean. My opinion has never changed.
I’ve always thought you’re a, you’re
an idiot.
>> Ricky: No! No. It’s just all nice. Let’s-
look. Let’s- look. Peace.
>> Steve: Shut up, fatso!
>> Ricky: Peace, not war.
>> Steve: He al- he’s just such a stirrer,
isn’t he?
>> Ricky: (chuckling) No!
>> Steve: He loves it! Don’t think I didn’t
see you whispering behind the microphone about
what to say to Karl!
>> Ricky: Look what I’ve just drawn, Karl.
Subconsciously.
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Steve: Let’s see.
>> Ricky: I drew a picture of him that’s
on- going to be on the website.
>> Steve: That’s not been on the website.
>> Ricky: No, it’s gonna be. I drew a little
cartoon of him. No, not yours. I drew one
of- I drew one of Karl.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Um, right, okay. Uh, what were we
talking about? That was a--
>> Karl: So, yeah--
>> Ricky: Touchy moment.
>> Karl: “Freaks,” then. It’s over and
done with. It was alright. If you want to
get it out on video--
>> Steve: Sure, sure.
>> Karl: Um, you know, it’s probably worth
a look.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: There’s a couple of things on there
that get you thinking more, you know. It’s
like h-how their life is an’ stuff, d’you
know what I mean?
>> Steve: Mm.
>> Karl: How it’s affected and, like, the
little Pillow Man or the fella who’s got
half of his body missing.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: You know, it’s-it’s stuff like
that you think, “Ooh.”
>> Ricky: But you- but what’s the-the one
that would disappoint you, you said it was
a half man, half woman.
>> Karl: Yeah, I don’t quite understand
that one.
>> Ricky: Do you mean hermaphrodite or half-
I can’t remember it. Do you mean it was
one, sort of, like… it had bits of both?
>> Karl: It was just like a…half-half a
face done in makeup and long hair. Then on
the other side it had, it had it shaved.
>> Ricky: I love the idea that you go to this
circus and there’s people in there that-that
have been, sort of, persecuted all their life
and they think, “Well, maybe I can make
some money” and then you boo them cause
they’re not freakish enough. I love the
idea they go out. “Boo! You’re not freakish
enough. Boooo!”
[Steve chuckles]
>> Ricky: “Oh, you’ve got bits of legs?
Booooo!” Do you know what I mean?
>> Karl: Yeah. But there was- I mean, talking
about that, you see…why did they get- join
the circus an’ that? Cause there are things
they can do. I was telling you in the week
that I was reading something on some news
website about some sort of, uh, Olympic-style
games.
>> Steve: Mmm.
>> Ricky: Oh, God.
>> Karl: Where they’re going to see, like,
disabled people against able-bodies.
>> Ricky: Right.
>> Karl: Uh--
>> Ricky: Let’s be careful here, shall we?
>> Karl: No, I’m just saying, though.
>> Ricky: Okay.
>> Karl: Do you know what I mean? So there
is other things. It doesn’t mean just cause
you haven’t got legs, you can’t do other
stuff.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: And in this race there’s, like,
disabled people who are beating able-bodied
people.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: At what?
>> Karl: Would you go and see that? I don’t
know.
>> Ricky: But, I mean, it depends. Wha-wha-what
do you mean, they’re beating them? Wha-
how- what?
>> Karl: I- it didn’t state what the, what
the little races were an’ that.
>> Ricky: “Little races.”
[Steve chuckles]
>> Steve: He can’t help himself, can he?
>> Ricky: I know, “little races.” “Oh,
look. There’s the disabled with their little
races.”
>> Steve: “Yeah, they’re having a lovely
little race.”
>> Ricky: Oh, dear.
>> Karl: Would you go? Would you go and…
>> Ricky: Um…
>> Karl: And watch that?
>> Ricky: Do you remember when Jimmy thought
that “Paralympics” stood for Paraplegic
Olympics?
>> Steve: The Paralympics?
>> Ricky: Yeah, it’s- means Parallel Olympics.
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
>> Ricky: He thought it meant Paralegic- Paraplegic
Olympics. That would be a good s-sight, wouldn’t
it? Mainly blow football.
>> Karl: Alright.
>> Ricky: Right. Okay. So, ma- what was that
thing I told you to look up in the week?
>> Karl: You were saying- you see, I-I don’t
believe you. You were going on about, um…we
were talking about the half man, half woman.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: And you were saying--
>> Ricky: You can get, you can get a sex change
on the NHS just to see what you’d say about
that. Did you look it up?
>> Karl: I didn’t, cause I think I was wasting
me time.
[Ricky sighs]
>> Karl: I don’t think you can have that
done.
>> Ricky: I’ve given him all these things!
>> Steve: Mm.
>> Ricky: Little- play a record. You’re
annoying me now.
>> Karl: No, but you wouldn’t, you wouldn’t
do that. You do-
>> Ricky: He’s annoyed- you’ve annoyed
Steve. You've annoyed Steve on air…
>> Karl: I’m sorry about that.
>> Steve: Well, it’s just too late, Karl.
>> Karl: But we were talking about other stuff,
as well. I mean, you know, talking about operations
an’ that. You were saying we- you know,
can you have a sex change done on the NHS
an’ that.
>> Ricky: No, you can.
>> Karl: Well, you say you can. I think that’s
a bit…it’s not that important to have
done, I don’t think.
>> Ricky: Well, it depends if-if you desperately
want it. It depends if you think you feel
that you’re born actually a different sex.
>> Karl: Right. And then you went on to say
there’s-there’s other things that are
done. Get this, Steve. Someone, if they want,
if the cat’s got a bad liver--
>> Ricky: Kidney.
>> Karl: Alright. Bad kidney. Can have it
done for five grand.
>> Ricky: Yeah, you can have, you can have
a cat kidney operation.
>> Steve: But what’s wrong with that? If
you’ve got five grand you want to waste
on a cat, then fine.
>> Karl: Get another one!
[Ricky and Steve chuckle]
>> Karl: We went through loads of cats! I’ve
told you before, as a kid, we got through
loads. It’s not worth it and there’s no
cat that is that amazing that you’d go,
“Gonna miss that one. It’s never going
to be the same cause it--”
>> Steve: What do you mean? What would it
have to be able to do to be worth it? Wha-
it’s normally to do with people’s affection
for their cat. They’ve had the pet for many
years. What do you mean, it should be able
to juggle? Or do impressions and that’s
why it’s worth five grand?
>> Ricky: Right, supposing there was a-a fella,
right? He’s- he feels he was born a woman.
He’s-he’s not happy. Right? He doesn’t
want this. He’s got, he’s got a knob and
a tes- couple of testicles that he does not
want. Right? He wants a lovely pair of tits
and a minge. Alright? And he finds out that-
he-he gets a cut price. He gets, you know,
a cut price, sort of, operation. A dodgy,
backstreet, um, uh, transsexual maker. Right?
>> Karl: Mm.
>> Ricky: Five grand. Knocked down price,
five grand. He’s done with the, he’s done
with the blunt knife and-and some chloroform,
right? But--
>> Karl: But why’ve you got to have it all
done?
>> Ricky: What? You mean, just like made-
have the knob trimmed and wear a bra?
>> Karl: Well, yeah. I mean, are you saying
if you have it all done, you get some sort
of offer if you give them something?
>> Ricky: No. No. I was being flippant. I’m
saying- I was trying to get down to five grand.
Supposing there was a fella- he had five grand
to give away, right? Some old woman with her
cat is going to die or some fella who wants
his knob chopped off and a lovely pair of
tits put on. Who would you give the five grand
to?
>> Karl: So- hang on a minute. So there’s
a fella--
>> Ricky: Oh, Jesus.
>> Karl: Who wants to be a woman.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: And there’s a woman who’s got
an ill cat.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Hmm….. You see, I’d be annoyed-
who-whose is this five grand? Is this my savings
or--?
>> Ricky: No, you just get given, you get
given five grand and you go- but you’ve
got to give it to a charity of your choice.
And it’s got to be one of them.
>> Karl: Alright, I’ll tell ya what I’d
do.
>> Ricky: What?
>> Karl: I’d find out what the cat looks
like, get a replacement, right? Say she- say
it’s had the op.
>> Ricky: Hm.
>> Karl: She’s loving it, thinking it’s
happy again.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Give the fella the money.
>> Ricky: Right.
>> Karl: D’you know what I mean?
>> Ricky: Well, so you’re basically saying
that…you-you’d rather have the bloke have
his knob cut off and stuff than save the cat--
>> Karl: I’d-I’d have to have a chat with
him first and say, “Wha-what’s your problem?”
And say, “Why-why do you need this doing
and--”
>> Ricky: I think they go through that. I
think they go to--
>> Karl: Mm.
>> Ricky: Counselling and live as a woman
for--
>> Karl: Just check. Like a, like a second
opinion thing. I’d just be saying, “Right,
are you sure?”
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: But five grand on the cat… even-
it can only be for people who’ve got loads
of money, right? And it’s like, “Well.
Five grand, it’s nothing.”
>> Ricky: Well, I think this debate will rage
on. Should we play a record and come back
to this? Think about it though?
>> Karl: Yeah. Bit of White Stripes.
>> Steve: Mm.
[Ricky chuckles]
>> Ricky: Placebo. “Bitter End” on Xfm
104.9. I’m Ricky Gervais. With me, Steve
Merchant and Karl Pilkington. Karl, you’re
looking all flustered and confused again.
>> Karl: I still just, sort of, don’t get
it.
>> Ricky: What don’t you get?
>> Steve: Well, that’s a long list, Rick.
>> Ricky: Yeah!
>> Karl: The, uh- you know. If you have your--
>> Ricky: Knob cut off.
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Ricky: It’s because they feel like they’re
actually born a woman and this- they’re
not living right. They can’t live properly
with all the…these things, you know. Well,
I mean, there-there are people that are genetically
the-the other gender. They’ve just grown,
you know. There’s one woman, actually, who
was a scientist researching it and found out
genetically she was a man. She had, uh, Y
chromosomes instead of- but this is something
different. This is, this is both psychological
and everything else, so-so--
>> Karl: But sometimes it’s that thing again,
innit? You can’t always have, you know,
what you want. It’s like I’d like to have
hair.
[Ricky quietly chuckles]
>> Karl: D’you know what I mean?
>> Ricky: But-but it’s a bit easier. You
can wear a wig. You can’t go around, really-
well you can put on, you know, a bit of false
breasts and tuck it in.
>> Karl: That’s-that’s just it as well,
isn’t it, you see? You-you say, you know,
you could have the operation done an’ that.
And yeah, you might sort of feel as free as
a woman down below an’ that.
[Ricky and Steve quietly chuckle]
>> Karl: But at the end of the day, you still
look like a fella.
>> Ricky: Yeah? “Here’s a bra and a split
tennis ball.”
>> Karl: No--
>> Ricky: They’ll be just like Auntie Nora.
>> Karl: D’you know what I mean, though?
>> Ricky: Well…yeah, but it’s about their
outward appearance, about how they feel publicly.
Don’t forget, a transsexual is not a transvestite.
This isn’t just a-a builder in a dress.
They have hormone replacement as well, so
they get oestrogen so they-they- and electrolysis.
So they have, you know- their-their face looks
different. They-they-they don’t go bald.
They’re slighter. They-they- you know what
I mean? They- it’s the- they’re the real
thing. A transsexual is now the real thing.
Biologically and politically and--
>> Karl: But they’ll still be a man, won’t
they?
>> Ricky: Well, it’ll be embarrassing if
they don’t tell their new partner and the-
there’s pictures of them, you know, down
at the pub when they were twenty-four. But
you probably sort of get over that, don’t
ya? They go, “Who’s the fella with the
beard drinking the yard of ale?” “That
was me.”
>> Steve: “Well, interesting story.”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Ricky: Yeah, yeah!
>> Steve: “Probably should have told you
this before the honeymoon.”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Karl: D’you know what I mean? It’s
like, you can have all that done, right? There’s-there’s
stuff, you know. You can have your bits done,
right? You can have, like, uh, false teeth,
but you know that. When you see an old person
with a good set of teeth it’s like, “Well,
they’re-they’re false. There’s no way
you’ve got good teeth like that if you were
brought up in, like, the thirties.”
>> Ricky: But what would you do if Suzanne
said, “Look, I’ve got a terrible secret”
and she showed you a picture of this kid,
just a little boy, growing up, you know, playing
football. And then the pictures stop at twenty,
just before you met her. And, uh, she goes-
and she shows you a nice pair of bollocks
in a jar. She goes, “They were mine.”
>> Steve: Well, first thing is he’d take
back the gloves he bought her last week.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Ricky: Would you go, “Ohh. I can’t
go out with you now.” Or would you say,
“Well, yeah, it’s the same person.”
I’ve blown his mind! I’ve really--
>> Steve: That’s frazzled him.
>> Ricky: I really have freaked him out there!
>> Karl: She is into sport.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: Eh? Should we play a record while
you give her a call?
>> Karl: No. But look, what I’m saying is
here, right? It doesn’t matter what you
have done- we can wrap this up here cause
I’ve got it sorted, right?
>> Ricky: Okay.
>> Karl: It doesn’t matter what you have
done, at the end of day, it’s obvious that
you’ve had it done. If-if you’re a fella
and you’ve been changed to a woman, I could
spot ya. Right?
>> Steve: Mm-hmm.
>> Karl: If--
>> Ricky: You can’t, though.
>> Karl: I tell ya what. I was at, I was at
Suzanne’s mam and dad’s, right, up north
last week.
>> Ricky: Right.
>> Karl: And I went to the off-license. Right?
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: And I went in there. Never seen this
fella before. Right? Soon as I walk in, I
eye him up behind the counter, go, “Alright,
mate.”
>> Steve: “Oh, hello.”
>> Ricky: “Oh, hello.”
>> Karl: I notice he’s got a wig on, right?
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Now… it was- I-I kind of looked
and I thought, “Yeah, it’s a wig. Whatever.”
And then I thought, “ I wonder if it is.”
And as I got to the till I said, “How much
is that?” He said, uh, you know, “ Fifty
pence.” I said, “Great.” And as he turned
to the till--
>> Steve: Were you buying Suzanne a gift?
[Ricky laughs]
>> Karl: And as he turned to the till and
he did that sort of angle, you got the profile.
You see the bit sticking out of the back.
You go, “That’s a wig.”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Ricky: I know what you mean!
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: I know what you mean! It’s like
a little- it just, it just- the last inch
just lifts away from the neck.
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Now everyone who goes in that shop
will probably know him. As having a wig an’
that. It keeps him happy, but everybody knows.
So what I’m saying is, it’s like--
>> Ricky: But can I just say, transsexuals
put in a little more effort than a-a fella
who’s plunked a rug on top and held it down
with some duct tape. D’you know what I mean?
You know, the only giveaway often with a transsexual
is the big hands. They can’t do anything
about that.
[Steve chuckles]
>> Ricky: That’s the only thing, you know.
>> Karl: Alright then.
>> Ricky: But, um- but I mean, t-uh, trans-transvestites
are different, you know. The-they-they‘re-
they are builders in a dress. You go into
a supermarket, you turn around, you see a
six-foot woman, huge head. You go, “Alright,
love.” You know what I mean? You know- you
don’t- you know, down below--
>> Karl: There you go.
>> Ricky: She’s packing more than us three
put together.
>> Karl: That’s what I’m saying.
[Steve chuckles]
>> Ricky: But, you know I mean? That-that’s
one of the only- If-if a, if a- Eddie Izzard,
right? Meeting Eddie Izzard, right, who likes
to pop on a dress now and again. Right? If-
what’s the politics with that? Do you go-
as he walks in and he’s all in evening gown
and he goes, “Alright, Karl” and he- and,
uh, you go, “Alright, Eddie” and it’s
in a busy pub and you go, “Oh, why’s he-”
And you go, uh- do you say, “Do you want
a pint of bitter?” and slap him on the back
like you would a mate? Or do you go, “That’s
lovely. That‘s a lovely dress.” Do you
know what I mean? What do you do? What do
you do with a transvestite? Do you--
>> Steve: Would you compliment a transvestite?
>> Ricky: On their lovely dress?
>> Steve: If he was wearing a nice dress?
In the same way that you would if Suzanne
was wearing a nice--
>> Karl: Probably in a different way. I’d
probably say, “That dress, you know, looks
nice. Be even nicer on a woman!”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: (chuckling) Right.
>> Karl: D’you know what I mean?
>> Steve: So you’d try and, you’d try
and change the way they think.
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Steve: Yeah, you’d want to teach them
a lesson.
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Steve: Sure.
>> Karl: In a way.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: It’s just that- it’s one of those
things I can’t get me head around, to be
honest, right? I can handle hairy Chinese
kids.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah.
>> Karl: Big heads.
>> Ricky: Is it true, is it true to say that
you’ve never been able to handle a transvestite?
>> Steve: So I’m just going to add that
to list then, Karl, of things you don’t-
you can’t figure out.
[Ricky giggles]
>> Steve: It’s, like, four volumes.
>> Steve: Snoop Doggy Dogg, obviously, and
the classic, “What’s My Name?”
>> Ricky: Yesss. Xfm 104.9. We’ve done that,
so that’s good. We’ve done--
>> Steve: So we’ve solved the whole transvestism
issue.
>> Ricky: Yeah, let me just check. We’ve
done hairy Chinese kids, um, people having
their knobs cut off, um--
>> Steve: I think we’ve touched on the war,
as well. We’ve sorted that.
>> Ricky: We’ve done that. Um, we’ve done
freaks, haven’t we?
>> Steve: We’ve done freaks.
>> Ricky: We’ve done freaks with no arms
and legs, haven’t we?
>> Steve: (chuckling) Yeah.
>> Karl: Tic that.
>> Steve: Don’t think--
>> Ricky: Tic that.
>> Steve: There’s other areas of--
>> Ricky: Oh, oh, oh, um--
>> Steve: Possible offense.
>> Ricky: Have we done, have we done Forrest
Gump in a Wheelie Bin?
[Steve quietly laughs]
>> Ricky: We touched on your Auntie Nora,
but haven’t mentioned her farting for five
minutes or her showing you her… clunge.
[Steve laughs]
>> Steve: Her clunge!
>> Ricky: Let me see. Uh, I think- I don’t
know if we’ve- I think we might have--
>> Steve: I’d definitely like to hear the
word “clunge” more often.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: On this show.
>> Ricky: Her Mary.
[Steve laughs]
>> Karl: Anyway, leave that. Leave that.
>> Steve: Oh, euphemisms!
>> Ricky: Yeah!
>> Steve: Clunge, Mary.
>> Karl: I’m still none the wiser an’
that, but…
[Steve chuckles]
>> Karl: We’ll leave it.
>> Steve: I love the fact you are such a,
sort of- you’re such an old man, aren’t
you? You’re such a reactionary old man,
the way you talk. You are the sort of bloke-
I imagine you and your father, stood in a
pub. If a man came in in a dress, “Oi! You’re
a bloke in a dress. Take it off.”
>> Ricky: I had an idea last week when we
were talking about things that you can, uh,
sort of, say and do when you’re, sort of,
like, forty. I thought another one; nod to
a policeman.
>> Steve: Yep. Definitely.
>> Ricky: They’re on the beat. They’re
going along. You’re going your- you go along.
“Yep.” “Yeah. I know you‘re alright.
I know you‘re alright!”
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: “Never mind these youngsters shouting
at ya and knocking your cap off.”
>> Steve: (laughing) Exactly
>> Ricky: It’s that you could nod at a copper.
>> Steve: If you’re forty, you could nod
at a copper cause it’s like going, “I
know what you’re up to.”
>> Ricky: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
>> Steve: “It’s a difficult job. You’re
doing it well.”
>> Ricky: “I respect you now. I didn’t
when I was young. I don’t know what I was
thinking. Well done, mate.”
>> Steve: I like the one you mentioned last
week. You’re now of an age where a van driver
might ask you to back him into a parking space.
>> Ricky: Yeah. Well, you-you don’t feel-
he goes- you go, “Get out of the way!”
>> Steve: To me, he wouldn’t even consider
me.
>> Ricky: No. “Get out of the way!”
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: If you’re under thirty, you don’t
even- it’s like, I was thinking today, if
I was in a pub with my dad and, say, his mates
and they’re all, sort of, forty or fifty,
there is not one of them that would turn to
me first with a pint of bitter and go, “(Smacks
lips) Taste that. See if that- is that off?”
>> Ricky: No. They wouldn’t. They wouldn’t
want your opinion.
>> Steve: They would never consider me. My
opinion is the last one they would consider.
>> Ricky: Yeah, yeah. Um--
>> Steve: “Is that off?”
>> Ricky: Things you can do over, I think,
maybe fifty; wear a flat cap and not look
a prat.
>> Steve: (chuckling) Yeah, yeah.
>> Ricky: You know, you wear it cause your
head’s cold.
>> Steve: It’s a fashion statement. Yeah,
exactly.
>> Ricky: Yeah. You wear it cause your head’s
cold. You’re fifty years old. Flat cap,
fine.
>> Steve: Yeah. Or just wear a suit and tie
without having to go to an event or a con-
a convention.
>> Ricky: Just get up and pop on a little
old suit and tie.
>> Steve: Just pop on a suit and tie cause--
>> Ricky: I lo- I-I tell ya what, I love seeing
old boys in a suit on Sunday.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: D’ya know what I mean? They’ve
got shiny shoes and they’re seventy-five.
>> Steve: I’ve got photos--
>> Ricky: And they go down the pub and I think
it’s brilliant.
>> Steve: I’ve got photographs of one of
my late grandfathers. He must have been in
his sixties. On the beach wearing a suit.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: Wearing a suit on the beach. I think
he- I’ve got a feeling he’s even got a
knotted handkerchief and a full three-piece
flu- suit.
>> Ricky: That’s great.
>> Steve: It’s brilliant.
>> Ricky: The decency at all times.
>> Steve: Cause I- my grandfather, in my mind,
my grandfather was always wearing a suit.
>> Ricky: He probably was.
>> Steve: I never saw him not- I think he
wore a suit to bed. I-I-I can’t imagine
him taking that suit off. I just- it was always--
>> Ricky: Maybe it was an all-in-one pull-on
one.
>> Steve: But he didn’t- I mean, what the
weird thing is though, it wasn’t like he
worked in a bank all his life. I think he
was a builder. And then he retired and thought,
“It’s time I should start wearing a suit.”
>> Ricky: I know. Aww. I love it. It just-
you know what I mean? It’s- cause they’ve
got to do something then. They’ve got to
get up and they make an effort and they’re,
you know, they're still part of the world.
>> Steve: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
>> Ricky: As opposed to me already just walking
around in my pants.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: D’you know what I mean? It’s
like, there’s no point in getting dressed.
I’m not going out.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Or e-everything’s got an elasticated
waistband.
>> Steve: Yes. You don’t even consider a
pair of trousers if--
>> Ricky: Slip-on shoes, pull-on trousers.
Just--
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: (laughing) Yeah.
>> Steve: I’ve never seen a man with more
Velcro than in his closet.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: That has got to be, for you, the
best time saving device ever. Velcro.
>> Ricky: It’s great. Just-just me and a
baby gra- a dry-wipe baby- I went to a- I-I’ve
went to awards--
>> Steve: Has your tuxedo got Velcro?
>> Ricky: Well, I was going to talk about
that, the awards show. I went home. We went-
when did we stay there? We went to, what,
twelve or summat. Anyway.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: I went home and I was telly at the
end, right and, uh, um, I was eating. I had
these sesame seeds cause I was hungry. I had
a few. And, um, in the end at the bottom of
the bottom of this jar of sesame seeds, right,
all these tiny little seeds. But I didn’t
want to waste them so I sort of poured ‘em
into my mouth and sort of, like, ett ‘em
like millet. Like a, like a (giggling)a budgie
binging.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: I went to bed, got up the next day.
I thought, “Oh.” Felt a bit sweaty. Had
a, had a, had a resolve. And there was loads
of seeds still in my chest!
>> Steve: On the hair on your chest?
>> Ricky: Yeah.
[Steve laughs]
>> Ricky: I took a- it took me ages to pick
‘em out before I had a bath. So they must
have stayed there all night, but not with
the, you know- with the, with the cheese and
alcohol that was coming through my pores,
these seeds are- “Oh, they’ve started
growing!”
[Steve laughs]
>> Ricky: I had to, I’d have to mow my chest.
Oh, dear.
>> Steve: Your girlfriend’s a lucky, lucky
woman.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Ricky: Sesame seed chest!
[Steve laughs]
>> Ricky: What’ve we got, Karl?
>> Steve: Oh, do you remember we were also
talking about, um, names you cannot call kids
now.
>> Ricky: Oh, yeah.
>> Steve: It’s like the- it’s like there’s
certain names--
>> Ricky: No, I was thinking that there’s-there’s-
exactly. There’s great old blokes names,
but they have to be a baby once.
>> Steve: Yeah, but--
[Steve chuckles]
>> Ricky: “I name this child… Alf.”
>> Steve: (laughing) You can’t-
>> Ricky: Stan.
>> Steve: There are, there are, sort of, these
names which you just never name a child now.
Karl, frankly, is-is-is--
>> Ricky: Oh, that’s alright, though.
>> Steve: Is quite trendy. But Alf.
>> Ricky: Oh, but Sid.
>> Steve: Alf, Sid. You would never name a
child Sid. Stan.
>> Ricky: Stan.
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Bert.
[Steve laughs]
>> Ricky: “I name this child Bert.”
[Steve chuckles]
>> Karl: Did I ever tell ya about my, uh,
my Uncle Alf?
>> Ricky: No.
>> Karl: He wasn’t, uh, wasn’t a proper
uncle. Right?
>> Ricky: Right.
>> Karl: But, uh, he was just a--
>> Ricky: Was he an aunt?
>> Karl: One of me, one of me dad’s mates
an’ that.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: And he was getting on a bit. He must
have been about, you know, sixty, which is
pretty old when you’re younger an’ that.
And he was the same. He-he always used to
wear a suit an’ that. But it was never,
they was never in good nick. It was always
like a rough suit, but it doesn’t matter.
Still, you know, making half the effort an’
that.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: And he used to, uh, sleep in a dinghy--
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Karl: Right, me Uncle Alf.
>> Steve: What, in his house?
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Why?
>> Karl: Well, in a flat. It’s in, like,
a little bedsit. Cause he only had a little
bedsit and he was into boats an’ stuff.
So he had this--
>> Ricky: Two birds with one stone.
>> Karl: Had this little dinghy. Had a little
flat. Thought, “Well, it’s a tight space
an’ that.” He had, uh, had a dinghy as
a bed. And he had two tellies, right?
[Ricky and Steve quietly laugh]
>> Karl: Two tellies. One of ‘em that the
sound worked on. The other one, only the vision
worked. So if he wanted to watch a program--
>> Ricky: He had to turn both on.
>> Karl: Put ‘em both on like BBC One. Turned
one up and watch the other one.
>> Steve: Wow. That’s extraordinary.
>> Ricky: From his dinghy?
>> Karl: Sat in his dinghy.
>> Ricky: That is brilliant. I just--
>> Steve: It was an inflatable dinghy? It
wasn’t like a wooden--
>> Karl: Yeah, an inflatable one, yeah.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Did you ever go ‘round and visit
him?
>> Karl: Yeah, now and again.
>> Ricky: Was it weird seeing a bloke, a sixty
year old bloke in a suit in a dinghy inside
watching two tellies?
>> Karl: It’s weird how at the time I thought
nothing of it.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: But wha- which of the TVs stopped
working properly first? I mean, did he- let’s
say the sound went on one of them.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: Did he carry on watching the other
one hoping that the other one was fine or
did he--
>> Ricky: No, he went and got a new telly
and then the vision went on that and he went,
“Aw, no.” He went, “Hold on, though.”
>> Steve: “Wait a minute.”
>> Ricky: “I’ve got another telly in the
wardrobe that I haven’t used.” It must
have been like that.
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Steve: Wow. He sounds brilliant. Is he
still alive?
>> Karl: Yeah, he’s still around, yeah.
Haven’t seen him for years, but he used
to, uh--
>> Ricky: Be alright?
>> Steve: Was he married?
>> Karl: No, I think that’s what happened.
I think his wife passed away--
>> Steve: Right.
>> Karl: And that’s when he had all this,
you know, he had a boat. And it’s like,
“Ohh. Where am I going to put it? In a bedsit?”
And it was like, “Hang on a minute.”
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: You know what I mean? Sleep in that.
So. Yeah.
>> Steve: I wonder if he ever brought any
women back.
[Ricky and Steve giggle]
>> Steve: Just the idea of bringing ‘em
back. Getting down to it. “Should we move
into the bedroom?”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Ricky: “Ahoy!”
[Steve laughs]
>> Ricky: Ohh. That is fantastic.
>> Ricky: Missy Elliot, “Gossip Folks”
on Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais, Steve Merchant,
Karl Pilkington. Now I know we’re not meant
to, uh, mention the adverts. And I’m not,
I’m not slagging off the adverts. It’s
that, it’s that National Lottery advert
with the little Welsh fella saying your money
from the National Lottery goes towards Mountain
Rescue. We put ‘em up there. We’ve saved
a lot of people. Now that’s fine, that’s
great. Well done. What I’m annoyed at is
why those people are allowed to go up the
mountain in the first place.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Don’t go up there. It’s dangerous.
>> Steve: Yep.
>> Ricky: Do it at your own risk.
>> Steve: Yep.
>> Ricky: D’you know what I mean?
>> Steve: Definitely.
>> Ricky: It’s-it’s ridiculous. Just posh,
beardy twats cl-climbing mountains and sticking
their flag up there. Why cli- I don’t want
you to. I don’t want you to.
>> Steve: Am I paying- is there any point,
Rick, where I am paying for people to get
rescued from mountains?
>> Ricky: I’m not sure. I think the Lottery’s
doing it now.
>> Steve: Fine. Because, I tell ya, if it
was my money, I would be livid.
>> Ricky: Well that’s the, that’s the
point, isn’t it? I mean--
>> Steve: You should have to take out insurance
if you want to climb up a mountain.
>> Ricky: You should pay for it.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: I-if-if-if we save you, it’ll
cost a lot of money. You’ll owe. You’ll
be paying it back for the rest of your life.
That’s the risk.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Not falling to your death.
>> Steve: Exactly.
>> Ricky: But never being able to pay- they’re
all posh and rich, anyway.
>> Steve: Yeah, definitely.
>> Ricky: It’s just, like, a cat gets stuck
up a tree and the fire come out because it
doesn’t know any better. Imagine if that
was a bloke. “I’m stuck up again.” “Stop
going up there!”
>> Karl: But that’s what I’m saying again,
though. It’s only a cat, so leave it up
there. Get another one!
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Steve: “And there’s the skeleton of
Tittles!”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: “I couldn’t be bothered to go
and get a ladder.”
>> Karl: No, but it’s the same- a few weeks
ago everyone was making a fuss over that-that
sheep that was the first cloned sheep.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: And it died. Clone another one!
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Steve: Oh, wow. I, uh- did I ever tell
you--
>> Ricky: Oh, if only you could do the same
with mountaineers.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Ohh. “He looks the same. The beard’s
the same. They all look like Brian Blessed.”
>> Steve: Yeah, exactly.
>> Ricky: Ohh.
>> Steve: Did I ever tell you about the time
that my father- when I was younger, we went
on holiday. My dad had- he bought a little
boat. Um, little, sort of, wooden boat, like
a three-seater. And he and a friend of his
went out with me in the boat. I was maybe
twelve or thirteen. Went out. We sort of had
da da da da da. Sailed away. We were on the-
with a little motor, outboard motor. Chu,
chu, chu. Chugging out. We just thought- we
thought this was real, seafaring stuff.
>> Ricky: Brilliant.
>> Steve: We-we, sort of- we’d lost sight
of the beach cause we’d gone ‘round a
corner of like a mountain or like a, what
do ya call, like, a cliff. And so we’re
just around a corner. And there was this boy,
like a- just floating in the water. Not a
boy, but, you know, like, a boy. And, uh-
very tricky to explain that on the radio.
It’s the same word, isn’t it? Boy, a boy?
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: And a boy?
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Steve: And so we-we float past that and
we’re chugging along. The motor conks out.
Oh, can’t believe it. We have to row back
in. They’re rowing away, I’m just sat
there. And, uh, we noticed every time we,
sort of, think we got past this boy, it just
seems to be back where it started again and
we realize that the tide--
>> Ricky: The tide had taken you out.
>> Steve: Is taking us, but not taking us
out, taking us towards these rocks. And there
was got ravaged rocks and we were pretty scared
cause I can’t swim very well or I couldn’t
at the time. There we- I think my dad had
fairly bought- you know, he didn’t- I’ll
be honest with you, I inherited a lot of things
from him. One of which was his carefulness
with money. Just-just the one lifejacket.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: Um--
>> Karl: How deep was the water there?
>> Steve: Which I seem to remember he tore
off my back and put on himself. Um, so the
water’s pretty dee- I mean, I-I, you know,
I’m not saying we-we would have necessarily
died, but it was pretty scary cause the boat-
you know, we were near crashing into these
rocks and stuff. It was getting pretty unnerving.
And so we’re- they’re, sort of, rowing
like mad, trying to get- we’re just not
making any progress and we’re beginning
to think that this might be the end. And,
um, this boat, this kind of ferry boat comes
chugging by doing tours. Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug. And, um, and it comes by. And
my dad goes, “Ohh, well.” We’re going,
“Brilliant, brilliant. They can help us.
They’ll throw us a rope. They’ll tow us
back in.” He was going, “You’ve got
the be careful, though. Hang on, because according
to the laws of the sea, if he rescues us,
Steve, he can claim my boat.”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: “The laws of the sea mean he can
claim my boat as salvage.”
>> Ricky: (laughing) I love the idea a ferry
man--
>> Steve: That’s like a reward. That--
>> Ricky: Doing that.
>> Steve: But what I like--
>> Ricky: The laws of the sea!
>> Steve: What I like is, his twelve year
old son might die. He’s thinking about the
boat!
>> Ricky: I know, but all the- also the other
thing, of course, is that I like the idea
of this ferry master going, “Arr.”
>> Steve: (chuckling) Yeah.
>> Ricky: “The boat be mine, now.”
>> Steve: Exactly.
>> Ricky: “Or I take your son.”
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: “Let me think about it.”
>> Steve: “I need a new bed.”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: “That’ll be just right. King
size.”
>> Ricky: Oh, dear. That’s lovely.
>> Karl: So we’ve-we’ve-we’ve done,
uh, done a lot of stuff today. We’ve covered--
>> Ricky: Done, uh, auntie’s minge. We’ve
done- oh, no, what else we done? We’ve done
chop your bollocks off for free--
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Um--
>> Karl: We’ve done the-the operation for
five grand, which I’m not happy about.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Cause, cause--
>> Ricky: Um, leave-leave the cat up there.
Uh--
>> Karl: We could spend money--
>> Ricky: We’ve done most stuff, I think.
We’ve done a lot.
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Ricky: We still haven’t done Forrest
Gump in a Wheelie Bin, but we can, we can
leave that till next week if you want.
>> Karl: See, I-I still think there’s something
in the spending money in areas that it’s
not needed. Like the- well, you know, the
fella- if you haven’t, you know, if you’ve
only just tuned in, you’ve missed a debate
about a fella who needs his-his, uh, tackle
taken off.
>> Steve: A debate makes it sound like it
was a bit more informed than it actually was.
>> Ricky: (chuckling) Yeah, yeah.
>> Karl: Well-and I’m just- you know, all
that time- that was probably a half hour and
I’ve still been thinking about other things
that it would be good if more money could
be ploughed into things to-to get them out
there.
>> Ricky: Like what?
>> Karl: D’ya know what I mean? Well I was,
I was looking, you know, I’m a fan of going
on the web an’ that.
>> Ricky: Sure.
>> Karl: And, um, there’s inventions. Right?
>> Ricky: Mm.
>> Karl: We were talking about it a few weeks
ago, inventions that-that are out there--
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: And there are some that, you know,
are well-known by famous people who’ve brought
stuff out.
>> Ricky: Do you, do you, do you know why
we didn’t go on with this? Because I remember
saying to you about Einstein- who-who’s-
who you thinks clever. You weren’t impressed
with it. I said Einstein and you went- this
is a quote. You went, “Einstein. Well, yeah.
Now, I’ve never needed-” You got it wrong.
You went, “I’ve never needed mc² in my
life.”
[Steve laughs]
>> Ricky: “But the fella who made the video
recorder; I watch one a week."
[Steve laughs]
>> Karl: Yeah?
>> Ricky: Right.
>> Karl: That’s right.
>> Ricky: Brilliant.
>> Karl: And-and it’s the fact that everybody’s
got one good idea in them.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Right? Like Newton said about the-the
apple.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: I did “Rockbusters.”
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Steve: Yeah. Yeah.
>> Karl: Alright? And there was this thing,
there was this thing that was on the website,
alright--
>> Steve: So they shouldn’t be spending
money on investigating, um, sort of, medical
procedures that might help people. They should
be spending it on what, Karl?
>> Karl: I- well, I found this thing, right,
Ricky? Brilliant.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Um, what it was… little, sort of,
mops--
[Steve laughs]
>> Ricky: What?
>> Steve: Little--
>> Karl: Little mops. Little mop heads.
>> Steve: Like floor mops?
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Steve: Right.
>> Karl: Fit ‘em on your cat feet. If you’ve
got a cat--
[Ricky laughs]
>> Karl: Right? If you’ve got a little cat--
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Put-put these little things on, uh,
on the feet and there was a picture of one.
Just, like, walking around the kitchen. Like
that.
[Ricky quietly laughs]
>> Karl: Looking a bit like that.
>> Ricky: No, you can’t do “looking like
that” on the radio.
>> Karl: No, but it’s just-just looking
a bit, sort of, fed up, but it didn’t really
know what was going on. Walking around. You
see, like, the-the-the woman of the house
sat in the background having a cup of tea.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: The cat’s there, walking about
on the, on the kitchen lino. Mopping the floor.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Karl: That’s what I put me money into.
[Ricky continues to laugh]
>> Ricky: Can we get shares in this?
>> Steve: Now...now that’s an invention.
>> Karl: How good is that?
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Can we get shares in that?
>> Karl: It’s good, though, innit?
>> Ricky: I-I tell ya what. I’ll market
that. If-if some- I’ll-I’ll- yeah. That’s
amazing. I just like the idea of people struggling
with their cat to get- hold on, though. Wait
a minute.
>> Karl: But then I’d say--
>> Ricky: What-what if it had a bad kidney?
>> Karl: Ahh. Well, then it’s worth paying
five grand.
>> Ricky: I suppose a year, cause it would
cost to clean it that, wouldn’t it?
>> Karl: Yeah. So that’s-that’s what I’m
saying. I mean, there’s loads of other things
out there that gets loads of--
>> Ricky: Of course! You could stick a brush
on its head and make it go down the toilet!
[Steve laughs]
>> Ricky: It’ll be genius, Karl.
>> Karl: No, but there’s loads- there’s--
[Ricky chuckles]
>> Karl: You see, you say that. If Newton
came up with it, you’d be loving it. And
there’d be loads of ‘em out there an’
everything, right? That’s what annoys me--
>> Ricky: Imagine Newton coming up with that!
Imagine Newton coming up with that, Karl!
Think of it!
>> Karl: Well, there’s other things that
gets loads of praise. Penicillin. Everyone-
who-who came up with that?
>> Steve: Uh--
>> Karl: Who came up with that?
>> Steve: Fleming, was it?
>> Ricky: Yeah, discovered it on a--
>> Karl: Right, I-I’m thirty.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Don’t think I’ve ever used it.
If I had Nurofen and Benylin.
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Karl: Right? So there’s one thing. What’s
something else I was talking to you about
in the week?
>> Ricky: Oh, God. Do you like video- okay.
So, video recorder--
>> Karl: Te-telescope was another thing you-you
seem to think’s important.
>> Ricky: Well, no. You asked me about in-
great inventors, said name some of ‘em,
so I said Alexander Graham Bell, the telephone,
everything from that, linked from that. Uh,
um, John Logie Baird, uh, television. Marconi,
the radio. Uh, I said Galileo, the tel- I
was naming you stuff. It wasn’t that- I-I
was just saying that I think those things
are more important than Rockbusters. I think
they’re better ideas.
>> Karl: Telescope? Even the telescope?
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Steve: Karl, play a record because…
[Ricky continues laughing]
>> Steve: There’s a website. I must try
to find it during this record. It’s got
loads of inventions. I think you’re going
to love ‘em.
>> Ricky: Ohhh.
>> Steve: “Vicious” from Lou Reed. Always
a joy.
>> Ricky: Yeah. Xfm 104.9. Ricky Gervais,
Stephen Merchant, Karl Pilkington.
>> Steve: Karl, I- someone pointed me in the
direction of this website and I- it basically-
I swear to God, these are real inventions,
okay, that real inventors have, um, applied
for patents for, you know? So-so that they-they’re-they
own the copyright--
>> Ricky: Why don’t I come up with one,
a real one.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: And then you do that one and--
>> Steve: Well, I think some of these--
>> Ricky: And-and Karl has to vote on which
he thinks the better invention.
>> Steve: I think some of these, Karl, you
are going to be absolutely excited by. If
you love the little mops that go on cats feet,
I think you’ll be excited by some of these.
>> Ricky: Okay. Well, I’ll throw one up
to start with. Have you got one there ready?
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Um, the X-ray machine.
>> Steve: Alright.
>> Ricky: Ooh.
>> Steve: So we got the X-ray machine on the
one side--
>> Ricky: The X-ray machine, Karl. Think of
that.
>> Karl: So, you’ve come to me with this
idea--
>> Ricky: It doesn’t need- i-it-it goes
through a patent. So it doesn’t need light,
it excites, it can- well, we know- you know
what an X-ray machine can do.
>> Karl: So, wha-what’s happening here,
right? I-I’m, sort of, head of some business,
I’ve got a load of money.
>> Ricky and Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: You’re coming to me with an idea.
>> Ricky and Steve: Yeah.
>> Karl: And Steve’s coming with me to an
idea. I’ve got, say, five grand and I--
>> Ricky: I-I’ve-I-I’ve come, I’ve come
to ya. I’ve said, “Look, I can do transsexual
operations.” You go, “I’m not interested.”
I’ve said, “I’ve- my cat needs a kidney
operation.” You go, “I’m not interested.”
Right? I’ve come with an X-ray. Meanwhile,
Steve walks in with…
>> Steve: Well, firstly I’m going to offer
you- this is, uh, patent 55714247. Uh, you’ve
got the X-ray machine. I’m going to come
to you with the self-containing enclosure
for protection from killer bees.
>> Karl: Tell me more.
>> Steve: Alright, well--
[Ricky and Steve laugh]
>> Ricky: “Tell me more!”
>> Steve: Uh, self-containing enclosure for
protection from killer bees comprising enclosure
formed of a flexible, transparent plastic
material, basically, that will protect us
from any killer bees that might be in the
area. Useful?
>> Karl: Yeah…
>> Ricky: Don’t decide yet. Okay, I’ll
come up with another one. Um… refrigeration.
>> Steve: Refrigeration. The combination toy
dog and vacuum cleaner. Let me read a bit
more, don’t judge yet. A toy dog closely
resembling a real dog and having a hollow
interior in which is mounted a vacuum cleaner
having a suction hose which is retractable
from the tail end of the dog. This enables
vacuuming a dog after a hair cut and grooming
without causing fear to the dog, because it
thinks another dog--
>> Ricky: What, so-sorry.
>> Steve: Is in the room.
>> Ricky: Sorry, sorry. This is a decoy dog
to make the dog not realize it’s being vacuumed,
thinking it’s making a friend?
[Steve laughs]
>> Steve: There’s a picture of it!
[Ricky laughs]
>> Ricky: Karl! Karl!
>> Steve: Do you see what we’re talking
about there? That’s a dog that looks--
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Steve: A fake dog that looks--
>> Ricky: Do, also- do-do you see why-why
the cat with the mops is on Steve’s side
and why, sort of, X-rays, refrigeration, things
like that are on my side and Newton’s and
mc² as you- can you see the difference in
these inven- can you see the-the pattern emerging
and the difference?
>> Karl: Yeah, but. You see, to me--
>> Steve: Which are you impressed by? Are
you impressed by the sanitary appliance for
birds? Have a look at it. It’s, uh, if you’ve
got a domestic bird, maybe a budgerigar or
something, but you’re tired of it crapping
everywhere, these are very tiny nappies that
go on a pet--
>> Ricky: That is real, isn’t it?
>> Steve: Pet- look, there’s a picture.
There’s a diagram there.
>> Ricky: Can I put the microwave up against
that one? I need the- I know I need the big
guns to come out now.
>> Steve: Karl, what you thinking? I know
you’re a--
>> Ricky: Budgie nappies or the microwave?
>> Karl: It-it’s weird because--
>> Steve: Karl, are you tired of petting your
dog or cat? I bet you are. That’s why you
need this patent pet petter.
[Ricky giggles]
>> Steve: It is an arm on a piece of wood
that will go up and down and stroke and pet
your dog for you if you’ve not got time
to do it.
>> Ricky: Well, I can only put up interferon,
the cancer cure, against that one.
>> Steve: (laughing) Exactly.
>> Karl: Yeah. You see, a lot of these things--
>> Steve: These are all genuine inventions.
>> Karl: Yeah. And if the time was right,
we’d say, “Get ‘em made.” D’you
know what I mean? If there was a bad swarm
in London, I’d be saying, “Get the bee
man on.”
>> Steve: (chuckling) Yeah. Yeah.
>> Karl: Right?
>> Ricky: What, l-l-lose-lose the X-ray machines,
you don’t care about broken bones for now?
>> Karl: Well, at that moment in time, that
would be more important than--
>> Ricky: Sure.
>> Karl: D’you know what I mean? We know
people have been stung. We don’t need to
look inside ‘em.
>> Ricky: Sure.
>> Karl: D’you know what I mean? It’s
all about- it’s like the telescope now isn’t
impressive.
>> Ricky: Sure.
>> Karl: If you want to see something in the
distance, get on the transport and go and
see it. D’you know what I mean? You don’t
need to look at things in the distance.
>> Ricky: Well--
>> Steve: Sure.
>> Ricky: I-I see what he’s saying.
>> Steve: Budgerigars are shitting and pissing
all over peoples homes.
>> Ricky: Could we put these- I’ll tell
ya what, Karl. So it’s looking at Supernova
and trying to find out more about the universe.
It’s-it’s-it’s conception and it’s
eventual end. Or--
>> Steve: Forget that, Rick! I’ve got the
cheese-filtered cigarette.
>> Ricky: Aw, now tell me more.
[Steve chuckles]
>> Steve: This is a cigarette where the filter
is actually made from cheese. Apparently cheese
acts as a very good filter for tobacco. So
the smoke passes through the cheese, thus
you will induce a kind of smoky cheese.
>> Ricky: And, also, uh, uh, smoking, you
know, might make you a little bit peckish
and you can just nibble that so there’s
no dog end lying around the pavement.
[Steve chuckles]
>> Ricky: Or budgie shit. It’s a cleaner
place and you haven’t been stung!
>> Karl: Brilliant. Right, now listen. So
that’s that done.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: We’ve done that, as well.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: We’re running out of time. We’ve
got--
>> Ricky: Okay.
>> Karl: Like five minutes left. Winner for
“Songs of Phrase.”
>> Steve: Alright, give us the answers.
>> Karl: Right. This- we did this at the start.
We haven’t even got time for the film thing
today.
>> Ricky: Ohh.
>> Karl: Ohh. But we’ll do that next week.
>> Ricky: Yeah.
>> Karl: Uh, “Songs of Phrase”- it was
a phrase, uh, “You never see an old man
eating a Twix.”
>> Ricky: I love the fact that we go, “We
haven’t got time,” like it’s- we’ve
had such important stuff and it’s been so
jam-packed and interesting with the- not that
it’s been drivel with gaps we could have
filled much better.
>> Steve: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Don’t look at me like that, like,
“Aww.”
>> Steve: With-with his film quiz.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Steve: C’mon!
>> Ricky: Oh, dear.
>> Karl: So “Songs of Phrase.” “You
never see an old man eating a Twix.”
[Ricky snorts]
>> Karl: We had to get- change it to “Mars
bar.”
[Ricky laughs]
>> Karl: Here’s-here’s what we had.
[And you neee-ver.]
>> Karl: Jerry and the Pacemakers.
[See.]
>> Karl: Echo and the Bunnymen.
[An old man. Eat a.]
[Karl grumbles]
[Ricky laughs]
[Maaaaaaaars.]
>> Steve: David Bowie.
>> Karl: David Bowie
[Bar bar bar.]
>> Karl: And The Beach Boys finish that off.
>> Ricky: Oh, what do you mean, “I don’t
know what that one was”? What do you mean?
>> Karl: Uh--
>> Ricky: Who’s the winner? I- it doesn’t
matter. You got to give the answer. Who was
that one you didn’t who it was?
>> Karl: Uh--
>> Steve: It was Jim Young, wasn’t it?
>> Karl: Jim-Jim-Jim Croce, is it?
>> Ricky: Oh, yeah.
>> Karl: “Old Man River."
>> Steve: Right.
>> Karl: It’s called. Jim Croce. So--
>> Ricky: “Old Man River”?
>> Karl: Yeah.
>> Ricky: Jim Croce sang “Old Man River”?
I don’t think so. What was it?
>> Steve: Who cares!?
>> Karl: Right--
>> Ricky: Well, people- I can’t believe
this. Do you- ah.
>> Karl: “Old Man River.” It was.
>> Steve: Let’s-let’s give the prize to--
>> Ricky: Jim Croce wouldn’t have sung “Old
Man River!”
>> Steve: Well, let’s give the, uh--
>> Ricky: That’s Paul Robeson!
>> Steve: Let’s give the prize to Mitchell
Sterling, um, who has got some of the answers
right.
[Ricky laughs]
>> Ricky: On Xfm 104.9.
>> Steve: (laughing) And we’ll be playing
that great quiz again next week!
>> Ricky: Yeah, next week! I’m Ricky Gervais
with it on Xfm’s four and if you want to
send an e-mail it’s RickyGervais (mumbles).
[Steve chuckles]
>> Ricky: Or check out the website on Xfm’s
all the coms. Goodnight! Thank you! Three
thirty, coming up is Darryl Levine and Stewie
Nouns.
[Steve laughs]
