My young queer kid me, you know, who read
a bunch of queer theory and, and, and, you
know, wrote every research paper they possibly
could on, you know, Queer Shit.
Um.
Definitely would hate who I am today.
[Music]
Hey guys, it's Kat and it's time for another
episode of True Tea.
I want to thank you guys so much for joining
me for this episode.
I've really appreciate it.
Those of you guys who are here every single
Tuesday, giving me your brew, telling me how
you feel.
This series is all about me sharing my most
raw, unedited feelings.
And I appreciate those of you guys who have
stepped forward and shared your raw and unedited
feelings.
I've had so many people who have been following
me for years just leaving their first comment.
And I always appreciate, you know, the long
time watcher first time commentors comments.
Thank you so much for participating in my
community.
It really does mean a lot to me and I mean
that from the very bottom, bottom, bottom
of my heart.
Um, I want to get, I want you to give me your
fresh brew whether you think I'm gonna like
it or not.
So yeah.
Anyway, before we jump into this video, I
wanted to give you a couple of church announcements.
I'm going to be at Vidcon.
I'm going to be doing a fan meet-up and a
bunch of panels and I'll have exclusive merch
all at vidcon.
And if you have not gotten your tickets, I
do highly suggest that you go and do that.
There's going to be a link in the description
box below for you to find where you can get
tickets to vidcon.
I believe that if you go on Saturday, the
ticket is only $60 and you guys get a lot
out of that.
So yeah, come see me.
It's going to be a fun time.
Anyway, we're gonna have a very interesting
conversation in this video.
So as usual, I do suggest that we go to our
kitchens and grab ourselves some tea.
Personally, I am drinking some jade citrus
tea.
Once again, I just, I'm not done with my Teavana
bags yet.
I'm just, I really wanted to go through all
this.
This is like the best he had ever owned.
So you know, we're going to keep drinking
it and I need a very heavy, a very thick sip
team before we get into this because I have
a feeling that this is going to upset some
people, but maybe it's not.
I don't know.
So, we are going to be talking about something
that I've wanted to discuss some my channel
for a while and if you guys are, if you guys
are my hardcore longterm followers, you've
probably heard me say variations of this.
And I do want to say, here we go.
Another disclaimer.
I know that for some of these true tea videos,
I have been repeating things that I've said
before.
Some of you guys are like, "girl, we heard
the story a year ago"- I appreciate those
comments and I appreciate that you've been
following me this long.
Um, but for those you guys have been following,
you know, all of my content, you know, that
all of my rants on my rant channel are gone
I don't really do a lot of live broadcasts
on Facebook anymore.
So for me right now, true tea in this form
is me really trying to just consolidate all
of those things into one series that I'm not
going to delete something that I can actually
be proud of.
So bear with me.
Um, we are going to be about how I, despite
many people's wishes am not queer.
Right?
And this is a conversation that I've wanted
to have very delicately because I don't want
anything I say in these videos to come off
as me being like, being queer is a bad thing.
Identifying that way is a bad thing cause
I definitely don't feel that way.
I just really wanted to discuss my personal
sort of reactions to people who want to put
me into that category.
And it's interesting cause I actually do have
two minds when it comes to this, you know,
um, and one of the big reasons why I wanted
to talk about this is because when I was asking
you guys, you know, for true tea topic suggestions,
so many of you guys asked me about certain
things that are specific to the queer community.
I mean, one of the requests was racism in
the queer community.
Right?
Um, and this is kind of something that I would
also say in relation to the black community.
Um, I have a hard time understanding what
people always mean when they say those things
because, you know, um, I did, I've never,
until this past couple of years lived in a
predominantly black community and when it
comes to the queer community, I've really
never lived in or worked in or needed a, uh,
a community of queer people.
Um, and so I feel weird when people ask me
to speak about some of those things from a
position of authority because these are both
things I found myself not to necessarily need
in life.
I mean I'm at, well we'll, we'll do a whole
other video about the black community stuff.
Let's not get derailed.
But I am generally at the time sort of person
who doesn't like to organize around an identity
or a moniker that could be projected onto
me.
Um, and so that's sometimes why I have not
such a positive reaction to that.
So yeah.
So I guess I wanted to, you know, start from
the very beginning.
It's a very good place to start.
I wanted to talk about what queer has meant
to me.
Queer as word has meant to me throughout my
life and why I no longer identify that way.
Now again, this is something that some of
you guys are already heard.
Feel free to skip this video, but for those
of you guys who are new, stay right here.
Um, so when I was much younger, like when
I was 13, 14, 15, 16, I spent a lot of time
on the Internet.
Right?
And it's really interesting to observe the
way that these conversations have shifted
and changed over the years because, um, queer
in what it meant to me back then.
You know, in the early 2000s has become something
very, very different.
Um, today, super, super, super, super, super
different now.
When I was younger and I was still discovering
and figuring things out about my gender, I
identified as queer and my identity as queer
kind of came from, um, a very loud, I would
almost say radical idea of my gender and what
it meant.
You know, for me being queer, you know, wasn't
just being different than a cis person or
a straight person, which is the definition
that a lot of people like to use.
For me, being queer was about actively disrupting
all spaces- "queering spaces" as we would,
as we would call it- to draw attention to
on the disparities between, um, gender roles
and, you know, the silliness of gender and
the silliness of a binary gender.
And so I would spend a lot of time very openly
and loudly talking about this stuff and openly
and loudly being, uh, example of someone who
was breaking those stereotypes.
Right?
Now, that's who I was when I was younger.
And whenever I have this conversation, I'm
always very delicate to, to discuss it because
I don't want anything to sound like what I'm
saying is it was just a phase or anything
like that, but with time and new environments.
Like you guys will probably hear this very
common theme throughout my life where when
I go to a new environment, I discover new
things about myself.
And I recognize that maybe when I was in the
other environment, I wasn't totally being
as genuine or maybe I wasn't having a position
that was informed by actual experience.
It was just position informed by, you know,
a lot of what ifs and maybes.
Um, but you know, when I went away to college,
I had the realization that a lot of my queer
identity, a lot of my identity as a gender
queer person came from me wanting to be who
I really was-
Right?
And also maintain the person that people had
already accepted me to be.
Right.
And so a lot of my queerness was not really
me being, in retrospect, genuine to who I
actually was.
It was a lot of me trying to find a way to,
you know, maybe do a little of like the feminine
shit that I wanted to do while also holding
onto people who had accepted me, you know,
as a boy.
Right.
And so I needed to have that little sort of
wishy washy space of, you know, neither here
nor there.
But when I went away to college, it was very
clear to me that I was not queer.
Um, and that I was just a boring, you know,
trans woman who was straight, you know.
Um, and there was a bit, there was a part
of me that might be, that was like a little
bit disappointed by that realization, even
though it was like me coming to understand
who I was.
But, you know, I recognized that I wasn't
as unique or interesting as I sort of thought
that I was.
Um, but it was also encouraging because I
started to really see sort of a path for myself
in terms of what I wanted to do and who I
want it to be and who I was going to be when
I got older.
Right.
Um, that's when I started to research more
about, you know, transition and things, and
then eventually, you know, went that route.
Um, but it's definitely something that, um,
made me feel a lot of, you know, comfort when
I recognize that about myself.
And Queer for a while was also that thing
that made me feel comfortable.
But one of the big reasons why I don't identify
as queer is because once I understood that
I was a binary trans woman, I very much assimilated
into the role of a woman in society.
You know?
I was no longer trying to challenge these
ideas about gender.
I was no longer trying to point out my lack
of being a man or a woman.
I was a woman and that was that, you know,
and I was no longer being this kind of outspoken,
radical queer kid.
I just, I wanted the opposite.
I want it to fade into the background and
have no one know anything about me.
Right.
And that is the complete opposite of how I,
how I felt initially.
You know, my young queer kid, me, you know,
who read a bunch of queer theory and, and
you know, wrote every research paper they
possibly could on, you know, queer shit, um,
definitely would hate who I am today.
You know?
I'd be like, you know, she is cool or whatever
and it's great that she's, that she's out
there, but she's sitting over here assimilated,
privileged, not calling shit out.
And she's clearly the sort of person who is
going to allow herself to get through certain
things while not drawing attention, you know,
to her transness.
Right.
And that's the reality.
And I, and I, and so now, today I don't feel
that comfort with claiming queerness.
Right?
So that's kind of a big, that's why I don't
identify as queer now to discuss my interactions
with queer communities.
Right.
Um, I've talked about this before, but when
I was much, much, much, much, much, much,
much younger and I was, you know, in this
radical queer space, um, I wanted nothing
more.
And this is just to like thought to think
of right now, I want it nothing more than
to go to Tiger Heat.
Now if you're from La, you know, Tiger Heat
is like the 18 plus, you know, LGBT event
that happens, you know, in LA.
Um, and I wanted nothing more than to be at
Tiger Heat, you know, thotty-boppin' around.
Like that's what I wanted to do is just be
in this kind of community of, you know, queer
people.
Right.
Um, but at the time I was living you in the
San Gabriel valley, I didn't drive.
My friends who were very queer affirming,
definitely didn't want to go to those clubs.
Um, and it was far away, you know, it was
very, very, very, very far away.
Right.
And of course, when I went away to college,
I thought, well, maybe now I'm going to be
able to go.
Right.
Um, and then of course, living in Valencia
very, very far away from LA.
Um, and so it definitely kind of became this
thing where there were so many times in my
life where I wanted to participate in a queer
community, but it never really happened right
when I was in college, um, I was part of the
Queer Arts Collective.
Um, and, and, and, and it was basically a
bunch of, you know, Lgbtqia+ people coming
together to make art and to, you know, share
and creativity.
Right.
The problem with the, with, with the club
was that Cal Arts was already such a queer,
affirming campus that no one wanted to come
to the, the, the event.
Right.
And so a lot of my, um, attempts at wanting
to participate, you know, in these spaces
kind of just didn't end up working out.
And while this is all going on, I'm transitioning,
assimilating closer and closer and closer
to just being a straight girl.
Right.
Um, and so I didn't have the experience of
having a queer community.
I didn't have an experience of having a queer,
safe space.
My trajectory truly was that once I figured
out that I was a binary trans person, I got,
I had like a, a year or so of awkwardness
and then I was stealth.
Right?
And then that was how I lived my life.
And a lot of you guys met me at a time where
I had given up the idea of being stealth.
And that was a whole journey that I had to
go through to want to be openly known as a
transgender person.
Right.
Um, and so that's kind of my life and, and,
and, and the reason why I have the reaction
I do to people, you know, wanting to associate
me with queerness is, ah, it's, it's, it's
complicated because on one hand, okay, a lot
of the reason why I make these videos, a lot
of the reason why I, I still am on youtube
and I'm vocal and open as a trans person is
because when I was a teenager and I would
try to imagine who I would be as an adult,
I would close my eyes and I would see nothing.
Right.
I had no idea what the future me would be
like.
Right.
Um, and I recognize that considering what
I've been through considering who I am, considering
how long I been on this platform.
I mean- if some of you guys know I've been
on, I've been making youtube videos since
I was 15 years old.
I'm 28.
Um, I have the confidence the security, you
know, and frankly the privilege to be able
to come onto youtube, claim my transness and
really not worry about it really impacting
my life in a way that I can't handle anymore.
You know, I've been doing this too long.
I've been in the game too long for it to be
really something that honestly gets to me.
You know, I am not really ashamed of being
transgender.
Right.
Um, and I'm not hiding it anymore.
It's not a thing that I am afraid of people
knowing about me per se.
Um, but at the same time I've also recognized
that, um, I have a lot of resentment towards
the idea of me always having to have this
label on me.
Like, one of the things that always baffles
me is when people describe me as a transgender
blogger, right.
Um, because yes, I'm a trans person who makes,
who blogs, that's definitely who I am, but
the vast majority of my content is not about
me being transgender, you know, and I don't
want my content and be, you know, transgender
blogging, you know, you will never find me
self describing myself as a transgender blogger.
You will find me to self describing myself
as an artist and illustrator, a feminist.
But I don't, I don't, I guess I don't identify,
I guess you could say with my transness, my
trans, this is part of who I am and I'm not
denying it, but to me being trans is, you
know, a footnote in my life.
It's not the headline, if that makes any sense.
You know, it's in the sources, but it's not
necessarily the, um, I got to really take
this metaphor to the, it's, it's not the premise.
Do you know what I mean?
On, and that's kind of why it frustrates me
so much.
But at the same time, like I said, one of
the reasons why I'm on this channel is because
I want for people to be able to see a functioning,
vibrant, you know, Trans Person.
But I, I deeply resent the idea that I have
to go through my life with my transness being
some important thing when it's really not.
Um, and it's really frustrating sometimes
because I've definitely noticed the ways in
which I've been pigeonholed into certain conversations,
you know, like, and why I have such an issue
with that is I have a lot to say about being
a trans person.
I've got a lot to say about my experiences,
the shit that I've gone through, the good,
the bad, the ugly.
I've got a lot to say, right?
But I'm also, and I say this all the time,
and I don't know if people hear it.
I'm incredibly fucking privileged.
I'm incredibly privileged.
You know, I've talked about this several times
on my channel, but I go through life without
informing everybody that I meet, that I'm
transgender and I can do that because I have
passing privilege, right?
That has made my life exponentially easier.
Right.
And so when you have coupled with, you know,
you, when you have me not having a lot of
experience in, I guess you could say the queer
community or the Trans Community, you know,
me not having that, you know, plus living
in a way where the people who meet me in my
daily life had no clue that I'm transgender.
I mean, there's a lot of people who don't
know that I'm Trans until they accidentally
stumble on one of my youtube videos where
I'm talking about it.
You know, that's just the way that I live
my life.
Um, I don't always feel because those things
together, those things coupled, I don't always
feel like I'm the right person to have the
conversation.
And I often feel like there are more, I guess
you could say vital people that should be
having these conversations.
You know, I have dealt with a lot of shit
because I'm transgender.
Yes.
But I can't gen genuinely say that I've experienced
a lot of discrimination on the basis of me
being transgender because most people in my
life had no goddamn clue.
That's why for me a lot of my content is about
race.
It's about sexism, it's about misogyny, it's
about those things because my experience as
a black woman is what I feel more deeply in
my daily life than my experience as a trans
person.
And the reason why this conversation is hard
for me is because I always feel like when
I voice this, I'm disappointing people.
A lot of people don't like to hear about passing.
They don't like to hear through reality of
me not have be not navigating through this
world telling everybody that I'm trans because
I guess they imagined me being this like super
outspoken, always drawing attention to myself
kind of person and that's just not who I am
and I don't want to disappoint people by doing
the things that make me feel happy and sane.
You know?
There was a time in my life where I could
not have a conversation without acknowledging
my transgender-ness there was a time when
I couldn't, not even one, but now it feels
like a silly thing to bring up.
It seems like a silly thing for me to draw
attention to.
You know, and as a 28 year old adult, you
know, with, I guess the privilege that I have,
do I feel the need to be to be connected to
a queer community?
Not at all.
No I don't.
But I think a lot of that is just the result
of me maybe being when I was younger in a
situation where I tried to connect to the
community and it just never really panned
out.
And so I had to learn to stand on my own two
feet and it is another topic for another video.
But one of the things I've recognized about
myself is that, you know, I don't limit myself
to where I go and who I associate with the
friends I am making, the kind of places that
I go because I'm transgender, I go wherever
I want to go.
You know, and this is something I noticed
when I moved to LA and you know, a lot of
my, my youtube friends, you know, they're
Lgbtqia+ and I never see them at the clubs
that I go to.
I never see them at the bars that I go to.
In fact, they wouldn't go to the places that
I go because for them, those places are too
straight.
You know.
Um, I remember I was in a karaoke bar and,
um, I was there with my bisexual friend.
I mean she's bisexual, but she definitely
doesn't really like dealing with men.
So like she'll deal the man occasionally,
but she's definitely more sapphic than not.
Um, and so she, um, we're in this bar and
it was like these, this, this loud group guys,
you know, singing the song and I'm sitting
there, you know, my drink smiling, being cute
and shit, and then she is like, this is the
straightest thing I've ever, I've ever experience,
you know?
And she was clearly uncomfortable.
She was clearly uncomfortable in that space.
And I just find myself so at home in those
spaces, like, you know, I've, I've made the
joke on here that like when I travel, I go
to like the, I go directly to the hick bar.
You know, I go directly to the biker bar.
I go directly to the places where I guess
a lot of people would assume I wouldn't go
because I'm trans, but I'm not a person who,
who limits what I'm doing in my life because
I'm trans.
But again, that's privilege.
Again, I have the privilege to be able to
do that.
I can walk into a bar and not have to worry
about people knowing that I'm trans and attacking
me because of it.
That's privilege.
Right.
Um, so kind of going back to, I said before,
I feel really weird when people want me to
speak to that experience because it's not
really one that I have, you know, it's not
truly an experience that I have.
Right.
And so, you know, yeah.
And I will say this and this is the two minds-
well, let me get a drink before I get into
this part.
Now, all that being said, right when I say
that I'm of two minds on this, here's where
I'm at.
You know, people projecting queerness onto
me bothers me in that I don't think it is
a faithful representation of who I am.
You know?
I don't think it's a very honest representation
of who I am.
I don't personally feel like I represent queer
people in America because my situation is
super different and I'm also incredibly heterosexual.
Right.
Um, that being said, I've allowed myself to
be in a situation where people can project
things onto me.
You know, I'm not upset at the, you know,
little queer kid in their room who is looking
for someone to, you know, reflect, feel, reflected
on.
Right.
Um, who looks at me and says, you know, that's
my queer icon.
You know, because at the end of the day, that's
why I'm here.
You know, I want to be able to encourage and
uplift people even if it's not something that
necessarily identifies with myself.
I want you to be able to look at me and say,
I see myself in her, you know, or I don't
see myself in her.
Right.
So I'm okay.
And a lot of ways with people projecting that
onto me, which is why I always will give,
you know, a coming out day talk and I will,
you know, participate in these LGBT panels
because I do genuinely feel like these are
important conversations to be had and that
there, there is a need for young queer and
trans kids to be able to look up to someone
and see their future realized in front of
them, you know?
Um, so I'm okay with that.
I am okay with that in so many ways.
I just also want to express that I feel kind
of guilty sometimes when people project that
onto me because I don't live the way I guess
people assume that I do.
And I've been in so many such situations where
people have expressed sexual interest in me.
Right.
Well women have expressed sexual interest
in me and then express disappointment in my
lack of interest in women.
And it's weird because I don't think I've
ever project presented or communicated that
I'm anything other than a straight woman.
But I feel like I'm disappointing people when
I say that I'm not into women.
I feel like I'm disappointing people when
I say that I'm not, you know, as queer as
you would like for me to be.
And that's obviously not a feeling that I
should have, but in so many ways in my bothered
by, you know, someone having an attraction
to me, a woman, especially because women have
a way better tastes in my opinion.
Not really.
Um, I guess I just have that weird thing where
I don't want for me being who I am to be a
disappointment to people because I guess in
so many ways I don't feel like I owe them
that I don't owe people this unfaithful retelling
of myself because it identifies with them,
you know?
So I guess that's really what I wanted to
say.
Um, and I know that maybe some people are
not going to be jazzed about me phrasing this
this way, but I wanted to communicate that
because I do genuinely have a lack of knowledge
when it comes to certain stuff.
You know?
Um, I did a lot of research papers about queer
stuff.
I've done a lot of research about the queer
community.
I've done a lot of research about, you know,
a lot of LGBT shit, but that's all stuff I,
I've learned from books.
Those are all things that I researched.
They're not things I've actually experienced
in my daily life.
And I don't feel a desire to connect with
the queer community.
You know, personally, I think the queerest
thing about me is my polyamory and we, y'all
should already know.
I haven't talked about that.
Y'All should already know how I, how I would
feel about Polyamory being something that's
considered queer.
Yeah.
You know, but, um, that's the closest I as
I think I get because that I think is
for where I am right now in life as alternative,
as outside of the norm as I am.
You know, obviously I'm a trans person, so
for many people that will always be outside
of the norm.
Right.
But I assimilated into society and you know,
I've talked about this several times.
If I, if I never had a youtube channel, if
I'd never had this platform and I didn't feel
this responsibility, I probably would never
talk about being transgender.
And that's my truth.
So anyway, let me try.
Let me drink this tea cause I'm thirsty after
all that.
Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys so much
for joining me for this video.
I would love to hear how you guys feel about
this stuff.
You know, I'll, again, a lot of my reaction
to this is just I don't like when things are
projected onto me.
And I think part of it too, for me as I'm
28 you guys, you know, I've had so much time
between me being a queer teenager, reading
queer queer theory and like really identifying
with it to me being who I am now, where I
don't really think about being a trans person.
If I, if I didn't have a youtube channel,
probably wouldn't come up.
And so I'm actually really curious to hear
from people who maybe are in similar to me
and also different from me.
How much of being part of a queer community
has factored into their life.
Right?
And what does queer community mean to you?
Do you know what I mean?
What does that mean?
I'm, I'm very curious what that means cause
I've definitely been part of online groups,
which I guess you could say is a community.
But physically I've never really participated
in a space like that long term.
I've tried to, but I've never really participated
in his face like that longterm.
So I'm really curious what your definition
would be and if anything I've said is identifiable
to you.
So anyway, you so much for watching this video
right now, you should be seeing two videos
that you can watch and continue to watch,
you know, get your groove true t on this channel.
Um, I would love to hear your thoughts.
Give me your true team, the comment below
and I will see you guys next week.
Bye.
