Good morning, Hank, it's Monday January 18th, which means you know, any day now.
Today we're going to talk about fatherhood
because that's all I'm thinking about.
So Hank, obviously,
I'm very excited about the prospect of being a father
but to be totally honest sometimes, I think that I'm not entirely qualified.
For example, I don't even remember to shave every day,
also I'm pretty lazy,
not in the sense that I don't work hard,
but in the sense that I don't
move much.
Also, our father is a really awesome father.
Like he's done a great job
and he's always been proud of us and supportive
and he's made tons of sacrifices for us and he can do all that dad stuff like...
woodworking.
I'm not a good woodworker.
It's a hard example to live up to but on the other hand,
I'm lucky to even have that example.
The other thing about our dad, Hank,
is that Dad can always answer those questions that kids have about the nature of the world like:
why is the sky blue?
Whereas I cannot answer those questions,
even though dad has explained it to me like a thousand times.
So when my kid asks that,
I'm either gonna have to say, "I don't understand it.
It's very complicated. Call Grandpa."
or I'm gonna say,
"The sky is blue because in space there are these gigantic blue birds like pterodactyls
and they poop blue
and cover
the atmosphere
with blue.
Except when they're sick,
when they poop gray
and that's why clouds are gray."
Then he's going to be a terrible science student
because he's gonna believe deep down that there are these birds
orbiting the world whose poop affects the color of our sky.
And I will be a failure.
But Hank, deep down, I think the nature of impending fatherhood is
that you are doing something you're unqualified to do
and then you become qualified while doing it.
Which is, in some ways, analogous to writing and publishing a novel,
although in this case the novel is a person
who will grow up and if you mess up
will require a lot of expensive therapy.
[High-pitched] Haaaaaaaaaa
That's the sound that my anxiety makes.
But anyway, Hank, whenever I start to feel anxious about impending fatherhood,
I remind myself of one important fact:
I am not the first organism ever to face parenthood
and many of them have been much less qualified than I am.
I mean Hank, right now,
Willy
could have like seven kids.
Thank you for the licks.
I mean if we hadn't cut his balls off.
And Hank, I think we can agree that Willy, while he is inarguably adorable,
is not well qualified to be a dad.
For one thing,
he's an idiot.
Hey Willy.
What's the square root of 4?
What do you have to multiply times itself to get 4?
Ahhh! Pwft!
No.
The answer is not licks;
the answer is 2.
So I'll be okay,
although I do need to start shaving more.
And Hank, I'm comforted by the knowledge that even though my baby might have a doofus for a father,
he's gonna have an awesome mom
and an awesome Uncle Hank and Aunt Katherine.
Hank,
DFTBA,
I'll see you on Wednesday.
Oh and sometime if you can,
I'd love it if you made a video for me that answers all those questions that kids ask,
you know: Why is water wet?
Why do platypi lay eggs?
Why is the sky blue?
So that after the baby is, you know, born
and reaches the age of curiosity,
I won't look like an idiot.
