(soft music)
- DJ's volunteering at a nursing home
with her adopted grandparent, Eddie.
Danny's proud she's spending time
in a giant refrigerator
for expiring humans.
DJ doesn't know what to talk
about with a 75-year-old man.
Joey says they have so much in common,
they both have dead moms!
Plus she can ask him
about the Great Depression
or The Three Stooges.
Then they give her a
quick refresher course
on what great depression looks like.
Meanwhile, Stephanie is training Comet
to jump over Michelle.
Cuuuuuute.
Kimmy says her dog Coco is way smarter
than this remedial retriever.
Stephanie says they
should get all the dogs
in the neighborhood to come
by and see who's the smartest.
Because that's a normal thing kids
definitely do all the time.
Eddie is playing high stakes
cards at the nursing home
and just won $24,000?
Better collect from him soon, Eddie.
DJ's ice breaker convo
about the great depression
is a bit stiff.
Until she cracks a
smile that reminds Eddie
of his daughter Gloria.
He says Gloria's all
grown up now in Florida
and he hasn't seen her since...
then he trails off...
What happened in Florida, Eddie?
Eddie says forget that
Gloria chick, let's party!
Then invites DJ to get hustled at pool.
Meanwhile the B-story about
Stephanie training a dog?
Who cares
and a C-story about Jessie learning
what it's like to be pregnant?
Double who cares.
DJ won three games and
Eddie is down $24,000.
Jesus, Eddie, you've got a serious
imaginary gambling problem.
DJ has to get home to
her backyard dog show
and Eddie says that sounds sick.
He loves dogs!
He ate one during the great depression.
DJ wonders if they need
permission to leave
and he says nuts to that.
Eddie does what Eddie wants
and that's on err-thing.
Eddie tells his friend
he's getting the fuck up
out this smelly bitch, deuces.
His pal says he can't!
What if he has one of his spells?
Eddie says pipe down
and hold this candy bar.
Then tells a nurse that
geezer in the corner
is sneaking a Snickers!
And with the nurse distracted,
DJ unwittingly helps this old man escape.
DJ introduces Eddie to her pregnant Uncle
and her other Uncle who
isn't really a forest ranger,
he just dresses like
one for puppy parties.
DJ tells Eddie he can
help judge the contest!
Eddie replies.
- Come on Gloria, you got to hurry,
you gonna be late for school.
- Uhhhh,
the fuck?
Seriously, what happened in Florida?
The dog show is going alright.
Everyone involved
majorly needs a hobby.
DJ and Eddie are having a
blast judging these hounds.
DJ gave that dog four stars!
Eddie gave him a triangle next to a
lower-case J with three squiggles.
And a D-Story about Comet
falling in love with Kimmy's dog?
Who cares high score.
Eddie sees Nurse Thomas
and dips with haste.
Apparently, Eddie is not allowed to leave
without being signed
out by a family member.
DJ says he forgot to tell her,
a likely story.
DJ finds Eddie in her
room, calling her Gloria,
telling her to be nice or he's not gonna
let her watch Howdy Doody
Yikes.
Then Eddie says he's just playing.
DJ says the only game he's
playing is hide and go seek
with the pissed off nurse in her kitchen.
Eddie tells her to chillax.
But DJ can't chillax because
he's been lying all day.
And she's wondering if
she'll ever see her $24,000.
Eddie fesses up.
Most of the time he's A-OK,
but every now and then
he's not A-Ok.
And he winds up at a backyard dog parade
with a teenage girl he met just hours ago.
Eddie says today was one of the best days
he's had in a while, and
he's sorry for getting
DJ in trouble and if she doesn't wanna
see him again, he'll understand.
Danny explains he has Alzheimer's.
It's a scary disease that makes
old people judge dog shows.
DJ wants to know if he's
going to get better.
Danny says he's going to get worse.
He'll likely progress to cat shows,
then goldfish shows in his final days.
And just like her mom's
roadside decapitation,
the doctors haven't found a cure yet.
DJ says this volunteering
business sucks booty.
Danny says cheer up!
Because today was one of the
best days Eddie can remember!
But take it with a grain of salt Deej,
because it's also one of the
worst days he can remember.
It's one of the only days he can remember.
Eddie is telling the nurse
he just saw a dog show,
a forest ranger, and a pregnant man.
She's making a note to
increase his medication.
DJ invites Eddie to stay for dinner
and it seems like they're
going to be friends!
Only we never see Eddie again,
because he probably
fucking killed himself,
or at least made a plan
to fucking kill himself
then forgot all about it.
So what did we learn today?
Old people in nursing homes are spending
their last moments on earth
gambling with imaginary money,
and could really use
some friendly volunteers
to get in on the action.
But if your adopted
grandparent wants to follow
you to a backyard dog show,
make sure they're allowed to go,
or you might be unknowingly jail breaking
a senior citizen with Alzheimer's.
And backyard dog shows are remarkably
easy to put together in just a few hours
when all your neighbors are losers.
But if you let any rando
judge your dog show for free,
you get what you paid for.
And we'll never find out
what happened in Florida,
because Eddie most likely
straight up murdered
a lady named Gloria and
forgot where he hid the body.
See you next time on a
very special episode.
