- By the way, that's a whiskey drink
that I just pounded for 13 seconds.
Yeah, so probably about
three minutes into this set
I'm just gonna be like,
yeah, so (mimics vomiting)
♪ It's time for Brew-HaHa ♪
♪ The drinking game comedy show ♪
♪ Drink when the light flashes ♪
♪ Brew-HaHa ♪
♪ The drinking game comedy show ♪
♪ Let's get drunk off our asses ♪
♪ You're gonna LOL at Brew-HaHa ♪
♪ Gonna LOL tonight ♪
♪ Yes ♪
- Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Brew-HaHa,
the comedy show drinking game.
How y'all feeling tonight?
(audience cheers)
- [Brad Voiceover] Hey, Brad here.
If this looks a lot like episode one,
it's because it was filmed on
the same night as that episode
so, this is episode two.
Welcome. (laughs)
Bienvenidos.
- For those of you who
haven't been here before,
we start Brew-HaHa with some traditions.
The first tradition is I tell
stories from previous parties.
We have the lovely Porta-Potties
for you guys to use up there.
This show wasn't always this large,
and so we remember the day
when we needed to start
having Porta-Potties at our show.
We've had some drugs
done in the Porta-Potty,
that's always a fun one.
This is one of my favorite
all time Brew-HaHa stories.
'Cause if you're trying
to do drugs at a party
and you're not sure if you can do drugs,
that's totally fine, just
don't do what these guys did
because we walked by the Porta-Potty,
it was me and Marissa,
and we heard this dude
inside the Porta-Potty go,
"This cocaine is awesome!"
And the other dude he was with said,
"I'm gonna live forever!"
Which is the most cocaine
thing you could ever say.
But then the first guy said,
"This is as good as it gets."
Which is amazing, 'cause they were in
a Porta-Potty in our driveway.
I'm more covered in sweat
than I'd like to be.
Ladies and gentlemen of Brew-HaHa,
let me explain to you how
this drinking game works.
We have two simultaneous drinking games,
one for you the audience,
and one for the comics.
For you the audience, we've
created a drinking game
that goes along with stand-up comedy.
Anytime this sign lights
up, you guys take a drink.
It'll fuck 'em up, it'll be awesome,
they will stumble, it's gonna be so fun.
For the comics, they will be getting
progressively drunker throughout the show.
Also they will be chugging
at the top of their set
for as many seconds as rules
as the previous comic broke.
So if I'm comic number
three and comic number two
has broken eight rules, I will chug
for eight seconds at the top of my set.
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
for your drinking game rules
for tonight, I'm turning it
over to our rule master Marissa.
- What's up guys?
Number one: whenever a comic talks
in a funny voice or sings.
Number two: whenever a comic talks about
a relationship, past or present.
Number three: whenever a comic
talks about drugs or alcohol.
Number four: whenever a
comic talks about politics.
Number five: whenever a comic talks
to somebody in the audience.
Number six: whenever a comic tries to
figure out what the rules are.
Cool?
(audience cheers)
Yeah, let's do it.
- Okay, let's get an audience
rule, who has an idea for a rule?
Genitals?
Genitals it is.
- [Marissa] Talking about their genitals.
I love it.
- Round of applause
for Marissa, our rule master.
(audience cheers)
Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready
for this Brew-HaHa to start in principle?
Guys, this first comic
is a Brew-HaHa legend.
He's one of the most requested people
we've ever had on this show to come back.
Ladies and gentlemen, make
as much noise as you can
for Morgan Jay!
- A lot of good-looking
people come to the show.
In fact, sometimes I'm kinda like,
trying to have sex with
the whole audience.
If you come to Brew-HaHa with a date,
I can assure you you
are going to get laid.
It's gonna look good on camera.
Oh shit is right, girl.
'Cause it's about to get sexy in here.
It's already steamy as fuck right now.
So what's up guys, my name
is Morgan Jay dot com.
It's such a...
It's so fun to be here
with you tonight tonight.
Let's see what we got
in the crowd tonight.
You two, you girl, chewing the inside
of your mouth right now.
Are one of these men your lovers?
Are you dating any of them?
Either of them?
No no, the ones next to you.
Not behind you, next to you.
That'd be weird if you came with a date
and you were like, sit behind me.
Sit behind me tonight.
Okay, you, my dude.
This your girl over there?
Gonna be create some blasian babies.
How long have you two been together?
Seven months, and how did you two meet?
Korean barbecue?
Okay.
You lookin' for more than
Korean meats, I see you.
I see you, dude.
So I'ma pick up my ladies.
Did you approach her,
did she approach you?
Both, that's, doesn't work,
I don't know how that.
We approached one another.
I just picture them slowly walking towards
one another, eye contact.
Alright, let's do a song and
then we'll start the show.
How does that sound, guys?
I had the salad, you had the salmon.
I see the waiter, the check is coming.
You look at me, I see you thinking
all you wanna know now is
how we gonna be paying.
Can we split the check?
You clearly had more than me.
Can we split the check?
You picked this place, it's bougie.
Can we split the check?
What happened to equality?
Can we split the check?
This can't cost 150.
Oh no no, no no, girl,
how many glasses of merlot did you order?
A glass of wine can't be
$18, this is bullshit.
Why did we come here,
why did we come here?
Girl, you know that this
is just the first date.
We could've had a
cheeseburger and a milkshake.
But even after the salmon
you got some cheesecake.
Don't even got a doggy
bag that we can take home.
We could've saved it for
later after we made love,
take it out of the 'frigerator but you
ate everything and I'm not saying that
to make you feel bad, in fact,
I like that quality
but it's proving to me
that it's healthier, girl,
to have a half portion.
Let's just have half of the food
and save the other half for later
like if we go to the Cheesecake Factory
let's just get an appetizer and an entree.
That's a lot of food for two people.
Now this is the part of the
song that gets interactive.
You girl, with your hoop earrings
that is so attractive over there, girl.
Can I spit it to you for a second?
Now there's no right or
wrong answer to this,
I just want you to be honest with me.
Do you split the check on the first date?
Okay, he answered for you, oh snap.
Oh snap, oh snap.
He really remembered that.
But you know what, girl?
You do look a little expensive.
But I'm not even judging, I'm just letting
you know, like it's okay.
Whatever, it's cool.
Now fellas, fellas, fellas,
fellas, fella-la-la-la-la-las,
or whoever occupies the male gender role
in your relationship,
because I like to be
inclusive in my music,
take notes, 'cause
ladies, they do this thing
where if you're the man, you'll be like,
"Hey boo boo, I got it."
And she'll be like, "No, let's split it."
And you'll be like, "No,
I insist, I got it."
And inside she's like,
hell yes you got it.
Because that was a test.
Am I wrong or am I right, girl?
Thank you.
'Cause if you don't get
it, you don't get none.
Now me, personally,
I believe in chivalry.
I believe the man should pay for it
but at this point in my life economically,
I have to adopted the philosophy,
I have to assume some
fiscal responsibility.
Now honestly, when I wrote this song
I wasn't doing that well financially
but right now I'm kinda doing okay.
I got that, I got that second round money
and by that I mean like, I
would go out with friends
and they'd be like, "Hey
bro, I got the first round."
I'd be like, "You got the only round."
I'm sorry to tell you
you got the, you got the only round.
You got the, you got the only round.
You got the, you you you
you you got the only round.
You got the (scats)
Now this was normally where I end the song
but I'd like to do something
special with the song.
I'm going to fade the song out
like you would do on your iPhone
like in an album you hear,
you ain't ever seen this shit
done live before, here we go.
Can we split the check?
You clearly had more than me.
Can we split the check?
You picked this place, it's bougie.
Can we split the check?
What happened to equality?
Can we split the check?
This can't cost 150.
Can we split the check?
Not yet, not yet, shut
up, not yet, not yet.
No, not yet, no no.
Can we split the check? (mumbles)
(mumbles)
(audience cheers)
Alright, guys!
I took a shot of whiskey and I had a beer,
I'm having a beer now.
I don't drink before
I sing because I burp,
so it's like... (burps)
- Ladies and gentlemen, make
as much noise as you can
for miss Rachel Mac!
(audience cheers)
Marissa, how long are
Rachel and I drinking?
Nine seconds?
- [Audience] Nine, eight,
seven, six, five...
- I have performed drunk once before
and I did show a tit to the crowd,
so who knows what could happen tonight?
How many women at this
show have fucked Brad?
Oh man, so happy to be here.
I am Rachel Mac.
I lost my virginity when I was 25
and after it happened, I was like,
hm, could've waited longer.
It was fine, not mind-blowing,
and I still made mistakes as
a 25 year old grown woman.
I had a man over to my apartment once
and I said, "Would you like a drink?"
And he said, "Negatron."
And I still fucked him, what?
After he came, he said,
"If you ever got preggo,
"would you get an aborty?"
And I was like, "I'm gonna
get one tonight just in case."
I am a middle school English teacher.
You're welcome.
Oh, I teach in Beverly
Hills so the kids are rich,
but I do still like them, and...
I had this eighth grader last year.
Let's call him Cooper Deers
'cause that's his name.
And Cooper plagiarized his Morality
in To Kill a Mockingbird essay, yeah.
So I had to call up
his mom and I was like,
"Hey Mrs. Deers, Cooper plagiarized,
"I have to give him an
F on this assignment."
And she was like, "Oh no no no.
"Cooper doesn't understand
what plagiarism is.
"You can't punish him for that."
And I was like, "Mrs.
Deers, whether or not
"Cooper understands what plagiarism is,
"he plagiarized, it's
cheating, and if you want him
"to succeed at this school, you're gonna
"have to give me $2,000."
Then I paid off some loans!
So we had some drama in eighth grade.
Right before school started, I
got an email from Chloe's mom
and it was like, "Hey Ms. M, just FYI,
"Chloe had her bat mitzvah this weekend
"and all of your students attended
"and all of your male students
"went into the bathroom together,
"jacked themselves off,
and then came everywhere."
Well, number one, that is insane.
Number two, what am I
supposed to do about it?
I'm the English teacher.
I wasn't even invited to this bat mitzvah
and I look Jewish as fuck, so that hurt,
but I'm a professional
so I will handle it.
I put all the girls in the
hallway, sat all the boys down.
And Trevor, he was like, "Uh,
Ms. M, you look disappointed."
And I was like, "Well yeah, Trevor, I am."
And he was like, "Well you shouldn't be,
"'cause it was just a game, and
my juice went the furthest."
And I was like, "Trevor, it is farthest!
"Have I taught you nothing!"
They're so dumb!
I did punish them, though.
I had them write two essays.
The first one was, How to
Behave at a Bat Mitzvah,
and the second one was
Proper Places to Cum, so.
I lost my virginity late, I was 25,
but I actually wasn't, that is
weird that you would applaud
or woo, but I will take it.
So I didn't lose my virginity until 25
but it wasn't until 27
that I lost my handjob virginity.
Are you into the handy, sir?
Oh, just a shrug?
We handies over here, do you like 'em?
Wow, this is my handy
man crowd, right here.
But thankfully for you,
I've come prepared with a list of reasons
why I love handjobs.
Reason number one why I love
handjobs: minimal contact.
I can be here, he's way over there,
a cop could pull up because
of course, we're in a car.
His penis is exposed,
meanwhile I am fully clothed,
innocent as a kitten.
Second reason why I
love handjobs, oh yeah:
no cum in your mouth.
Self-explanatory, but worth mentioning.
I see some nods.
Third reason: it sends the right message.
A dick in your mouth, he
might think that you love him.
A handjob is like,
we're friends, you know?
Final reason, sir, you know,
this one's a bit controversial
'cause some people are
like, "Oh, he never cums,
"it takes forever!"
Me, I welcome the wait.
I just imagine myself
flexing, it's a good workout!
You guys think Michelle Obama got
those arms by doing push-ups?
No no no, drink to that!
I do have a question before I leave.
You can keep this, sir, for your...
As a memento, and if you're like,
wanting one you can bust out the reasons.
I do have a question before I leave.
Has anyone in here ever fucked a ten?
You have?
I don't believe you, sir.
No offense, it's just a stretch.
Do we even have any tens in here tonight?
You know, and that's fine.
Tens don't often come to comedy shows.
They don't need laughter.
But a few years ago, I was
single and I was at a wedding
and one of the groomsmen was a ten.
Did you know that if you're
the only single woman
at a wedding, you get to fuck that ten!
Oh, yummy, drink!
This ten took me back to his hotel room.
We started smooching.
(makes kissing noises)
And then he asked if
I wanted to smoke pot.
I don't know about you guys,
I'm not a big pot smoker.
I'd only smoked pot once before
and then I watched the movie Sister Act
and I cried uncontrollably.
So I didn't want to, but if a
ten asks, a ten will receive.
So I smoked it right on up and
he promptly went down on me
which is a surprising move for a ten.
They don't have to.
So he's like (slurps) lap lap lap.
As he should, but then the pot
starts to seep into my system
and I'm like, well what is pot?
Pot's a drug.
What do drugs do?
They kill people.
They killed Amy Winehouse.
They killed that guy from Glee.
He had that killing
substance in his mouth,
now his mouth is on my
pussy and I will surely die.
So I'm very worried about dying,
and I'm also worried that if he looks up
and sees how scared I
am, the sex will be over.
And in fact, he does look up,
and he's like, "What's wrong?
"Am I doing a bad job?"
And the insecurity on that ten's face,
I came immediately.
I've been Rachel Mac, thank you guys.
This is one of the best shows in LA.
It's a really happy crowd.
They are wasted.
They are, you know, just
ready to laugh and to fuck
and I'm down for that too.
- Alright, this next guy coming
to the stage, he hasn't been
on Brew-HaHa in a couple
years, I'm very excited.
He's a great friend of mine,
a great friend of the show.
Make some noise for Mr. Jonathan Rowell.
Marissa, how long are we drinking?
- [Marissa] Nine seconds.
- Nine seconds, guys, count us
down from nine, he's excited.
- [Audience] Nine, eight,
seven, six, five...
- I am not nervous about going
on stage 'cause I'm drunk
and, but I'm not too drunk.
I'm like the perfect level of drunk
and I'm also kinda horny.
I love this tree.
This tree is so, uh,
it's great, I love it.
The tree is amazing, it's very mystical.
I don't know if you guys
knew that but it is.
It's very like, Into the
Woods, it's gonna sing to you,
it's your mother who died, I love it.
You guys, I gotta get it
out of the way, I'm gay.
I have to tell you that
because I did a show
the other day, did not
mention once that I was gay
and I said faggot 17 times.
The set didn't go great
and everyone's like,
"You're a fucking monster."
Okay, cool.
No, I'm gay, but I think
that straight guys are cool.
I think that you guys are awesome.
I think that, well, I think
that you guys are cool
in LA and New York and San
Francisco-ey, Austin-ey,
like I feel like you guys
are cool in those areas.
You're so nice here.
I do have to say, straight
guys are so nice in LA.
Like, you have, you really are.
Not to straight, here's the
thing, not to straight women.
No, absolutely not.
To gay men.
To gay men.
Straight guys are really
nice to gay men in LA
and you are at the level of
progressiveness and niceness
to where I feel like you
guys can knock it off.
You can stop.
It's at a level of niceness where I legit,
when I'm out and about,
I legit do not know
like, who's nice and who's gay.
I cannot tell, like are you
trying to be a good person
or are you down to fuck?
I need to know.
I was in a gay bar, okay,
I was vibing with a guy.
He touched my wrist twice.
Gay, okay?
He bought me a gin and
soda, very gay, okay?
And then we were talking and he mixed up
Naomi Watts with Nicole Kidman
and there was like a record scratch
and I was like, hold on.
Are you fucking straight?
And he was like, "Oh, yeah, is that okay?"
Like, absolutely not, it is not okay.
I kind of miss the old days
where you straight guys used to be like,
mean and hot, you know?
Now you guys are all like,
nice and chubby, you know?
Whatever.
I've noticed that straight guys,
especially in gay clubs, at
Pride, on the dance floor,
they don't know how to act and it's fine
and you can tell a straight
guy on the dance floor at Pride
by what I like to call the straight wave.
They do this thing where
if like, you're dancing
and you're vibing and then
you see a guy that you like
and you catch eye contact with him,
and if he's straight and
he doesn't know what to do
and you're just kind of
like, really intense,
like rocking back and
forth and you're just like
what's happening, you know,
he'll do this thing which
is this, he'll go...
That's the straight wave.
And here's the thing,
gays don't wave, okay?
Like, if that was a gay
guy who was not into you,
if he like was dancing
and he caught your eye
on the dance floor,
he'd be like, mmm, nope,
like he would just turn
straight around, not at all.
Look, I want you guys to have a good time
but I also wanna talk
about how they're still
killing gay men in
Chechnya, so I don't know,
you know what I mean?
They're still killing gay men in Chechnya
and I don't know what to do about it
and I definitely feel like the community
is looking to me for answers, you know?
I shared it twice on Facebook.
I don't know what to do.
I was reading that the
government is rounding up
gay men in Chechnya, taking
them to concentration camps,
torturing them and
potentially murdering them,
but you also have an option.
If you know a gay person in Chechnya,
you have permission to
kill them yourselves.
So I read that an uncle pushed
his gay nephew off a balcony,
which is horrifying,
but that's also kind of the
gayest way to kill someone.
Just like, die.
Uh, like that's gay,
that's Jafar-level gay.
Like, he didn't like, walk
forward and like, push him off.
He floated forward through mist and just
like pushed him off.
Like the only way that kid's
death could've been gayer
is if he had pushed him
through French doors.
Like that's the only way.
I have a straight roommate,
and again, cool, it's great
and he invites his friends
over to the apartment a lot
and I love that he has
friends, and I definitely...
And again, to straight
guys, I think that you guys
for sure deserve love, I
do, but here's the thing.
There is no worse sound to me in the world
than a bunch of straight dudes having fun.
That's a terrifying sound and historically
it's when most bad things
have happened, okay?
It just sounds aggressive!
It just sounds like, hey, dude,
what the fuck are you doing?
What's happening?
Marcus, Marcus, bro bro bro!
It just sounds like that, and I'm like,
huddled in the next room
like a Jew hiding from Nazis.
I do not wanna be found.
And I heard one of my
straight roommate's friends
say faggot from the next room,
and I am a realistic person
when it comes to faggot.
I love saying faggot,
and if I heard a straight
guy saying faggot,
as long as it's not directed to me,
or we're in a gay bar, if it's just like,
down the street into the
darkness or whatever,
I wouldn't bother you,
I wouldn't confront you,
because you can say whatever you want
even though I may not like it, you know?
But in my own apartment,
that makes me sad,
especially because I was
in literally the next room
being a faggot, okay?
I was doing poppers alone, okay?
And not like, experimenting,
like hee-hee, what's this?
I was like inhaling them like
I needed them for nutrients.
Like, that's what I...
And what I don't like is
all his friends are like,
sensitive straight dudes with floppy hair.
Don't pay attention to my hair.
And they're just like sensitive dudes
who like, if you confront them about like,
you shouldn't have said faggot,
they're like, "Dude, calm down, okay,
"when I say faggot, I
did not mean gay, okay?
"I meant stupid.
"Feel better?"
I don't like that.
If you're gonna say faggot,
say faggot, if you're straight.
Like my Mexican uncles were like,
"Well, we call you
faggot 'cause you're gay
"and that's gross," and
I'm like, okay, fair, fair.
I am Mexican, I don't
look it, I look white,
some say 'cause I'm blessed, but
I am Mexican and I have,
I have three very hood
Mexican sisters who...
I'm very Pasadena but they're very hood.
My gayness translates to
suburbia, if that's what it is.
But one of them doesn't
like me 'cause I'm gay.
I thought it was 'cause
she was jealous of my hair
but it's 'cause I'm gay
and I knew that coming out, you know,
I knew that she didn't like me.
When I came out I actually just,
I knew how she felt about gay people
so I just texted her that I was gay.
She's the only person I
didn't do it in person.
So I just texted, I was like hey, I'm gay
and I just texted that.
And she texted back, K,
which is bone-chilling.
And then about a week later I was moving.
For my apartment she had lent
me this Crate and Barrel chair
and I had left it out in
the courtyard in the rain
and it got ruined and I had to text her.
I was like, I'm so sorry,
the chair you lent me,
I fucked it up, I'll buy you a new one.
And she texted back,
"Yeah, you're a fucking
"inconsiderate faggot, it's just like you
"to ruin my furniture
being a stupid faggot.
"You're gonna burn in hell.
"Jesus saves, not you
'cause you're a faggot."
That's verbatim what she texted me.
And at that moment I was like,
uh, I feel like this is more
than just about the chair.
And also, no it's not like me to be
an inconsiderate faggot
and ruin furniture.
I feel like my people are
known for quite the opposite.
Thank you guys so much, bye-bye.
That's seven or eight drinks.
I literally, I swear, maybe I'm drunk
but I swear I drank for 34 seconds.
I swear to god.
- Coming to the stage right now,
make as much noise as you
can for Mr. Dave Ross.
Marissa, how long are Dave and I drinking?
- [Marissa] 13 seconds.
- 13 seconds, guys,
count us down.
- [Audience] Thirteen,
twelve, eleven, ten, nine...
- I perform drunk and I'm like ooh,
what is this feeling, yeah!
I'm gonna get to be drunk tonight.
I live a simple life.
This is the silliest
dumbest show you'll ever do.
Everyone, by the way,
that's a whiskey drink
that I just pounded for 13 seconds, yeah.
And y'all make strong drinks
here in this backyard.
I don't know how often
you all make it down
to Orange County, California.
Yeah, wow, you're gonna
fucking hate this joke.
I think there are people in America who,
like, the stereotype of
California is that we all
walk around all the time
like, ha ha, ha, right?
And we all like, surf to work?
That stereotype is real in Orange County.
Just imagine that a human
being could be a flip-flop?
That's everyone in Orange
County, California.
They all just walk
around all the time like,
"Jah, dude, I like Incubus, still!"
Unreal.
Unreal.
So I was there and I met like an OC dude,
you know, like a surfer dude?
And I didn't even know
those people were real.
Came up to me, I did a
show, he walked up to me
after the show, but I saw
him coming from a mile away.
He was walking straight for me, arms up,
fuckin' bouncing, you know, just like,
so visibly positive, fuckin' positive,
yah dude, yah dude, yah dude,
just fuckin' walkin' up to me
and he gets up to me and the
first thing he says is this.
"'Sup dude, fuck yeah!"
That's the opening line.
'Sup dude, fuck yeah!
He said hello and then
he celebrated that hello
immediately after it!
Could you imagine being
that positive in your life?
I want that so bad.
I'm sure that guy's inner
monologue is just all day,
"Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes.
"Fuck yes, fuck yes, fuck yes.
"Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.
"Who's Dan?
"I'm Dan!"
He really was so angular, too,
that's not an exaggeration.
In every single way.
Even how he talked, "Fuck yeah, dude,
"I'm just drawin' a square with my words."
He was just what you would picture, too.
Super tall white dude,
long beautiful blonde hair,
his body was a surfboard,
his head was a pineapple.
He had a girl with him, she
had a catchphrase, went like
this: "Hiiiii."
And then she died.
I live here in LA and I live
right next to the headquarters
of an organization
you've heard of called PETA.
And first of all, I said
that to a guy at a bar once
that I live by PETA
headquarters and he goes,
"No, the bread?"
So, yeah, he's the stupidest
fucking person who ever lived.
Yeah man, I live by the
headquarters of flatbread.
That's where I live.
It's in a old business
park for the headquarters
of broad concepts.
I'm the president of cheese
and you're a fucking idiot.
But yeah, so I live by PETA headquarters
and here's the thing,
I'm so fucking liberal
I'm always bleeding, I'm just, you know,
I'm down for the cause.
Every year I'm like, them too, every year.
At every cause I'm all about it.
So I'm all for animal rights,
but I still fucking hate PETA so much
and it's because they treat
us like we're children.
Every single PETA ad is just like,
look at this cute little bear,
don't eat bears, or whatever.
This is a real thing,
PETA is trying to get
the name of fish legally
changed to sea kittens
so we don't eat them, yeah,
and my question is, do they
think the fact that it's called
a cat is the only reason
I don't eat my cat?
As if you were to change the
name of a cat to a land fish
it'd be like, fry it now.
I'm fucking starving, I don't give a shit,
I eat anything called a fish!
"Dave, you're eating
your couch right now!"
This is living room fish, back off!
They own the billboard over their building
and it's always some dumb shit,
but oh man, the one over
Thanksgiving is fucking incredible.
It's a picture of a turkey and it says,
"You wouldn't eat your dog so
why would you eat a turkey?"
I don't know, fuck you, because?
Because that's how life is?
Are you trying to mess with me?
"Hey, what if the land were
on top of the sky, gotcha!"
Drives me absolutely insane.
I love that logic, too.
You wouldn't eat your dog, so
why would you eat a turkey?
"You wouldn't fuck your sister, so why
"would you fuck your wife?"
Because!
'Cause that's why, fuck, I don't know!
I don't fuck my relatives!
Don't fuck my family.
I also don't eat my family.
See, that's the thing,
it's not that it's a dog,
it's that it's my dog.
I'll eat your fucking dog.
Cook your dog, I'll eat it, let's do this.
I definitely heard after I said
cook your dog, I'll eat it,
a very quiet voice over there go, "Amen."
I know I, maybe I made that up.
I heard the Southern
accent, you heard it too.
"Amen."
Oh, what the, wow.
Cook your dog, I'll eat it could be a show
on the Food Network easily, easily.
I don't know how much
Food Network you watch.
I watch it all the time.
It's so fuckin' aggressive.
Like, you've all seen Chopped, right?
Yeah, great show.
Chopped is a show where
people make dinner.
That's what's happening.
People are making dinner,
and someone should tell
them that so they can fuckin' relax.
Truly, why does dinner
need to be so aggressive?
Why is there a time limit?
Why does someone judge dinner?
There's a show that's
an offshoot of Chopped.
It's about how the chefs are bad, why?
The show is every week.
It's just like, "Alright,
tonight we got three chefs.
"First guy we found in a dumpster.
"Next guy has no hands.
"The last chef doesn't speak any language
"and they all have 30
seconds to make a funnel cake
"using only a Bunsen
burner and an avocado!"
And the chefs are all just. (screams)
I have an idea for a cooking show.
It's called, really good
cooks have plenty of time.
Thank you.
It'd be a great show.
One of the shows on the Food Network
is called Baker or Faker.
Why is the name mad?
And half the people on
the show, Baker or Faker.
"Tonight on Chef or Fuckface!"
I love that it's faker, too.
"This guy's a baker,
this guy's full of shit!
"Fuck him, asshole!
"Start making cookies and
quit cheating on your wife!"
They're all competitions
too, dude, I fuckin',
we're so close to everything
on TV being competition.
"Tonight on Sex Battle!
"Mike and Amanda are both gonna fuck Steve
"and they both have 30
seconds to make him cum
"using only a Bunsen
burner and an avocado!"
Thank you guys so much,
I've been Dave Ross.
I was like, really in the zone.
I was like, I was at the front of my face,
just like yelling.
I was having so much fun, so I probably,
really I was just like, tunnel vision
looking at the crowd,
and they could've had
to drink the whole time.
There could've been no one there.
I was just like, here
are my fucking jokes!
- Ladies and gentlemen of this backyard,
that has been your Brew-HaHa,
the comedy show drinking game!
One big last round of applause,
everybody have a good night!
We fucking did it!
You know why I'm not
gonna get laid tonight?
Because I already got laid
by comedy, by laughter.
I got laid by the collectiveness
of a group of people
coming together to be like,
tonight we're gonna laugh, baby.
I'm gonna regret this interview later.
