

### Things My Kids Have Said and Done That Have Amused Me

A Lightly Edited Treasury

By Rico Rodriguez

Copyright 2014 Rico Rodriguez

Photographs Copyright 2008 – 2014 Medeeha Khan

Used with Permission.

Smashwords Edition

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

Thank you for downloading this ebook. You are welcome to share it with your friends. This book may be reproduced, copied and distributed for non-commercial purposes, provided the book remains in its complete, original form. Thank you for your support.

Dedication

To Kiren, Jonah, Aaron, and Logan - the true authors of this book.

Acknowledgments

Thank you to my wife Kiren, for making sure the appropriate secrets stayed secret.

Thank you to my sister Medeeha, for taking so many pictures of my kids that I never had to.

Thank you to my sister Ianna, for hiding some things and making other things look better.

And a special thanks to all the boys' fans, for constantly reminding me of the treasures I have in my life.

### **Chapter 1: Jonah 4** , Aaron 0

-o-

I wish that I had taken the waterproof camera out of the car to record Aaron's first lap around the Lazy River. And that I hadn't taken my eye off the giant bucket before it almost washed Jonah away.

-o-

It was nice of the circus folks to tell the kids "don't try this at home" before they shot those gals out of the cannon.

-o-

I'm watching Jonah build what he just dubbed his "greatest invention".

-o-

I think everything got packed, despite the kids' best efforts to derail the process throughout the night. Poor Aaron got washed in a bathroom sink to get him clean enough to transport him for a 5am bath.

-o-

I wish I had been able to get video of airport security patting down Aaron.

-o-

I was very proud of Jonah for explaining how to operate a toy to a sales clerk that had just told his parents it was too complicated for a child his age.

-o-

I'm surprised that Jonah literally poured his tears into his first homework assignment. It's still drying on his desk.

-o-

I just watched Aaron attack a stalk of broccoli like it was a turkey leg at a county fair.

-o-

I was outsmarted by my four-year-old today. Suffice to say, don't agree to let a child have one piece of chocolate after dinner if you happen to be at Hershey World, or at least don't let the kid pick the piece.

-o-

How Jonah is the embodiment of a peace offering in a culture clash.

Kiren's family is Muslim. Mine is Christian. That's as narrowed down as I can get it for you; we weren't even all the same flavor of Christianity in our household growing up. The benefits of a multicultural family are fairly well known and celebrated. An overly (to me anyway) intellectualized one being the celebration of the diversity that is our world being boiled down into a single individual that never really feels at home anywhere except at home, because that's where their particular mix is the norm. Another, far easier for the children to grasp, one being "Presents! I lost track of why, but presents!" And it's not just the kids having access to two sets of holidays; it's also their loved ones giving gifts on both sets of holidays because they ain't gonna be the ones not bearing gifts that day.

The drawbacks are less discussed. For example, if there is anything you're only going to do once, you're kinda screwed. In some instances, it's just really hard to say, yeah, we're going to go with Family (I can't even put "A" here, because I know somebody will object to being characterized as "Family B") on this one, but hey, Family (not the family mentioned in the earlier part of this scenario), you got next. Incidentally, this is also a large part of the reason why the tables at our wedding weren't numbered.

Which brings us to the naming of our first, and at the time, only, child. We went through many, many books of baby names, each with thousands of names, and we went through every single name therein. Again, first child. Plus, we were among those parents who thought it was so romantic to have no idea exactly how their baby way going to pee on them, so we couldn't even skip over chapters. And nothing was feeling quite right. Specifically, nothing was feeling like it was fitting in to both our families.

And so we pondered. And we pondered some more. And we realized that the only crossover between our families was... hmm... I can't say.... no.... okay...how's this?: the only common cultural ground we could find between our families was that they both followed religions based on source texts that shared many similarities in their underlying stories. So that became our new hunting ground for names. Still both boys and girls names. And we developed short lists of names for both boys and girls, and one name kept floating to the top of the boys' list, and the more and more we said it to each other the more right it felt. Noah.

But we already knew a Noah, and it was just too soon to add another one, so we kept right on trying out names aloud. And again, one name kept floating to the top. And as soon as we first laid eyes on our baby boy we knew it was right. Jonah. Although we accidentally called him Noah a half dozen times that first week.

-o-

I have complete faith in Jonah's daycare's new bear prevention measures.

-o-

Jonah and I closed the water park for the year. It was kind of cool having employees following us around and roping off areas from the public as we passed.

-o-

Jonah: Daddy, will you please stop banging the hanger on the floor?

Me: Um, sure Jonah. Why?

Jonah: Because it's stopping me from eating.

Me: How is it doing that?

Jonah: When you bang the hanger on the floor, I have to stop eating because I have to dance.

-o-

Is it wrong to occasionally feed my nine-month-old son by placing a bowl of food on the ground?

-o-

Jonah and I made it through "Where Did You Go?" on Rock Band 2 with Jonah on vocals. Jonah even worked the crowd. It was awesome.

-o-

Jonah: Daddy, when I'm as tall as you, then I'm gonna be a doctor.

-o-

I overheard a conversation at Jonah's gym about how buff Jonah is, but I don't see it.

-o-

Kiren, to Jonah: This is the first time Aaron is wearing sneakers.

Jonah, to Aaron: Aww, you're getting so big!

-o-

I just caught Jonah's magic show, in which he makes things disappear and gives medical care and a haircut to a female member of the audience. I tried to volunteer, but he said it had to be a girl.

-o-

I'm even more surprised than the doctor that Aaron has pneumonia. In other news, Aaron got his first x-ray even faster than Jonah did.

-o-

I don't know whether to be really proud or slightly sad that Jonah isn't really fooled by anything, but I'm leaning towards really proud. Jonah treated FrightFest as a fashion show and pointed out which zombies walking around the "graveyard" he thought had the best make up.

-o-

### **Chapter 2: Aaron 1** , Jonah 4

-o-

I need to remember to discharge my static electricity before helping Jonah in the bathroom....

-o-

I feel a little guilty for laughing when Aaron walked face first into an armchair, staggered back three steps, and then fell on his bottom. I think it was the way he was completely bundled in his winter coat with the hood up that made it impossible for me to keep a straight face.

-o-

Jonah asked us to write two signs and post them on the garage door so that visitors knew the rules of the house. "No smoking." And "No dinosaurs."

-o-

Despite swearing to myself while I was cleaning the house in preparation for Aaron's birthday parties that I was going to simplify and pare down my possessions, I was still unable to walk past a Borders Express store closing sale. Jonah's selection? A coffee table book entitled "The Human Body: A Visual Guide to Human Anatomy" by Dr. Sarah Brewer.

Jonah loves his new book so much he took it in to school for show and share. His classmates loved the book so much that Kiren bought the classroom a copy.

-o-

Jonah: Daddy?

Me: Yes, Jonah?

Jonah: I want to go on a field trip to Girl Chipmunk World and save them from the bad guy.

Me: Sure, Jonah, we can look into that.

Jonah: And I need a gun that can shoot bad things that kill you.

-o-

I had to pull out a clutch spare to avoid losing a round of bowling to Jonah tonight. Sure, he was using the bumpers, but still not one of my finest outings.

-o-

I'm still smiling from watching Jonah top off his Slurpee by catching snowflakes with his cup.

-o-

"Ohhh yeaahh! I like that!" - Jonah's reaction to hearing Wu-Tang Clan for the first time as part of a homework assignment.

-o-

I resolve not to blame Jonah's aunts for everything that comes out of Jonah's mouth, like when Jonah refers to his little brother as his "sweet little moneymaker."

-o-

I love when Jonah says what his daddy is realllly thinking.

-o-

Aaron has now mastered using a ladder and moving small pieces of furniture around to suit his needs. There is no longer such a thing as "out of Aaron's reach" in our house.

-o-

I probably won't put Jonah's anatomically correct sketch of an alien on the refrigerator, despite how proud he was to explain his work.

-o-

I appreciate the logic that leads Jonah to occasionally refer to female friends as girlfriends. I just wish that just once he was referring to somebody under 18.

-o-

I discovered today that my one-year-old can and will leave the house unassisted.

-o-

I can't help but laugh when Aaron puts his mom to bed and comes crawling back downstairs after she falls asleep.

-o-

Why Jonah bought the most beautiful Christmas dress for Aaron.

We thought Aaron was going to be a girl. Really, where else was this story going to go? But it's not like Kiren was just carrying high or somesuch. Having had a few years of building up boy products behind us, we decided it would be a good idea to find out the gender of our second child early to maximize our shopping time, so we asked. And the ultrasound tech told us "girl". Mind you, I have zero medical training, but I know many folks make declarations with far more certainty than their available information could reasonably support, so I asked the ultrasound tech straight up "Now when you say 'girl', could you put that in like percentage of likelihood or, you know, give us some other sense of how conclusive whatever test you're using to tell us the gender is?" And the tech responded, "Oh, 100%! You're having a girl!" So we got in our car and as I drove to Kiren's parents' house she called ahead to tell her family the news, and I swear that they already had dresses to give to us by the time we arrived.

Flash forward to a week or so before the due date, and as a precautionary measure Kiren was sent for another ultrasound (all turned out well). Kiren was chatting away with the ultrasound tech, telling her about how she already had so many dresses washed and hung up in the closet for the baby, and the ultrasound tech stopped Kiren to tell her that she wasn't carrying a girl. Kiren insisted that, no, the previous ultrasound tech had assured us it was a girl. To which the ultrasound tech replied, "Look, I don't want to say that other tech was wrong, but I'm looking at your baby's penis."

-o-

Jonah asked me if I would invite a 19-year-old gal and a 20-year-old gal he met at a barbecue over for a playdate. The kid's in daycare three days a week - it's not as if he doesn't know anybody his own age.

-o-

I woke up to the sound of an alarm clock and not a child. Honestly, I was a little bit confused for a moment.

-o-

I must have cute kids, because random people kept asking to take their pictures during our last vacation.

-o-

I wish I knew how to get Aaron past his current death wish phase. There's just no practical way to make my house vertical-free.

-o-

### **Chapter 3: Jonah 5** , Aaron 1

-o-

I absolutely love how friendly my children are. The fact that a bunch of drunks and a handful of police officers all paused in their... discussion... in a nearly empty Wildwood parking lot at around 1am to return Jonah's "Hi!" and wave was just an added bonus.

-o-

Jonah just called me googlepants. I have no idea how offended I should be.

-o-

I was fully aware that Aaron prefers to be sans clothes whenever possible, but I still wasn't expecting him to stride into the middle of a group of people and shove his shorts to his ankles.

-o-

Apparently five years old is when kids start initiating religious discussions. I will be much better prepared in three and a half years.

-o-

Nana: Jonah can take anything he wants from this house.

Medeeha: No, he can't.

Jonah: I'm believing Nana.

-o-

Things I remember from my wedding day*.

* that I'm willing to share here

Having to meet my future father-in-law on a street corner to hand him his daughter's undergarments hours before he became my father-in-law.

(No, that wasn't our first choice for delivering a bag of newly purchased support garments that weren't considered necessary until the wedding dress arrived from Pakistan to the bride as she was being prepped by her team at the wedding venue. Our first choice was busy dealing with the fact that her rental car had been broken into via a smashed window within twelve hours of her arrival in Philly for our wedding.)

Having to bring my own couch to the wedding venue.

(I never did see that couch again.)

Heading out to one of my favorite (and now closed) dining establishments and asking them for an order of pasta to go. No sauce, no butter, no cheese, nothing, nothing but boiled pasta. And some plastic ware. 'cause there was noooo way I was going to be responsible for something getting on Kiren's wedding dress.

My beautiful bride.

The tours friends and family were taking of our honeymoon suite. This continued until about 4am.

(According to the wedding venue - "Slither into this jungle as trees and green bush keep you hidden. Decorated in desert neutrals, this is a visual safari for all of your senses.")

The wedding venue being a convention center. And us exceeding our maximum occupancy.

(No, we didn't have the whole place to ourselves. It just sounds more ridiculous that way. But yeah, we were over capacity for the rooms we did have. Which the venue staff was nice enough to solve by allowing us to count the prayer room we had set up towards our banquet hall capacity.)

Not really, truly, getting in my soul why not having centerpieces on our wedding tables was being considered a crisis by the venue staff, but knowing better than to bring it to the bride's attention two hours before her wedding.

(Somebody found a stack of small mirrors that we drizzled colored glass pebbles onto.)

Being engaged in a long, drawn-out discussion with the venue's special events coordinator and her assistant as to the various miscommunications that had led to the banquet hall doors being kept closed after food was served and the conversation ending thusly, "Okay, for a moment let's just put aside everything you've been telling me about how it's not your fault the doors weren't opened when I wanted them to be... Is there something preventing you from opening the damn doors right now?"

Having to sneak my first kiss with my new bride when the imam's back was turned as he was leaving the altar/couch.

Being jealous of my friends for getting to party while I spent three hours taking pictures.

My cheeks being numb after smiling for pictures for three hours.

Hearing that our wedding cake was delicious, and that, as per tradition, the top tier had been saved and packaged for us.

(We would later find it as we were opening the wedding gifts.)

Scarfing down plain, boiled pasta.

Finding a sponge in Kiren's hair as I helped her remove her dupatta.

Having an amazing wedding filled with so, so much love.

-o-

Jonah to Kiren's belly: Good night, baby. I love you.

-o-

I don't know when or how a biscotti with a shot of milk to dip it in became Aaron's favorite breakfast meal, but there's no beating the prep time.

-o-

So Jonah's teacher marks schoolwork with a checkmark whenever... it takes the child a little longer to complete an assignment than it should. Today Jonah came home with almost all checkmarks. When Kiren asked him why, he replied "I was thinking about how to arrange my new furniture."

-o-

The baby's kicking! And may have already stubbed his or her poor little toe on Kiren's laptop.

-o-

Jonah @ 1:44am: "Daddy, can you come sleep in my bed?" "YAAfineWWNN"

Jonah @ 2:03am: "Okay daddy, you can go back to your bed now." "YAAfineWWNN"

Jonah @ 2:27am: "Daddy, can I sleep in your bed?" "YAAfineWWNN"

-o-

The day before the big class trip to a local farm to pick pumpkins, Jonah's kindergarten teacher told the class, "Be sure to wear old clothes tomorrow!" The next day, every first-born in the class came to school afraid that they wouldn't be allowed on the field trip because they didn't own any old clothes.

-o-

I don't have a problem with Jonah's kindergarten class performing experiments with open flames, but apparently they reeeaaalllyyy need to emphasize that the proper response to coming across a fire in your home is NOT to start looking for a container big enough to cover the flames.

P.S. The best part about last night's dinner conversation was getting into a debate with Jonah over the primacy of the never talk to strangers rule when your townhouse catches fire and you don't know the neighbors.

-o-

Jonah: Have you ever seen a walking flower?

Me: No.

Jonah: You should have that dream.

-o-

I love that Jonah can't help but dance when he hears music, even if it's in the middle of karate class.

-o-

### **Chapter 4: Aaron 2** , Jonah 5

-o-

Tonight Jonah asked me "When are we having a real dinner?" Sigh... I guess I need to start spending more time in the kitchen.

-o-

I'm actually kinda excited to be getting a Christmas gift from Jonah that I didn't have to pick out, buy, or wrap. Yay chintzy in-school holiday shopping... things!

-o-

Wow... Some of Jonah's kindergarten classmates have been telling him he needs to get a new backpack because Handy Manny is for babies. Really? At kindergarten? Sigh.... Oddly enough, apparently nobody has said a word about his ladybug lunchbox.

-o-

As y'all may recall Jonah did his own holiday shopping this year sans parents. Since my parents are heading back home to San Diego today he gave them their Christmas gifts early - identical "World's Best Grandpa" mugs.

-o-

Aaron has developed a big love of Cookie Monster, so Kiren took him to the store to get one. Aaron spotted one, ran over, squeezed all his limbs, and, when that failed to provoke a response, Aaron declared him "broken" and lost interest.

-o-

How we found out that baby Aaron did not like long car trips.

We have some family in Pittsburgh that we visit on a fairly regular basis. Often enough that we knew with some confidence that it was about a five and a half hour drive each way. Not too long after Aaron was born, we decided to make another trip out there. The first 45 minutes went okay. Possibly because he was asleep. That part I don't remember. I do remember that we had at least made it from New Jersey into Pennsylvania when Aaron's crying forced our first stop. So we stopped, changed him, fed him, held him a little while, then strapped him back into his car seat and continued with our journey. For about twenty minutes, which is when Aaron's screaming got us so scared that we actually pulled over to the shoulder of the Pennsylvania Turnpike to make sure that he wasn't literally choking on his tears. And since we were stopped anyway, we changed him, fed him, held him a little while, then strapped him back into his car seat, with Kiren wedging herself between Aaron's and Jonah's car seats before we continued on our journey. This bought us another 30 minutes. And so on.

It took us thirteen hours to reach our destination. Kiren flew back with Aaron and I drove the car back with Jonah. Who convinced me to stop at a McDonald's at 4am for him even though he wasn't hungry because, as he said, "There might not be any place to stop when I do get hungry."

-o-

I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure the kids were unsupervised for about twenty minutes today when Kiren and I succumbed to exhaustion in different parts of the house.

-o-

Jonah's gingerbread house has Hershey's kiss cannons with which the good guys inside can shoot the bad guys outside.

-o-

I'm not sure what amused me most about this evening: a) Jonah put on a show tonight; b) to which he charged admission (25 cents); c) before the show began, he announced that videotaping and flash photography were not allowed during the performance; or d) the performance was an hour long.

-o-

So... those of you who have seen my basement know I discourage entry for safety reasons. Jonah just headed downstairs with a digital camera and brought Kiren back a photo of a toy he needed help extracting from its strata.

-o-

I surrender. Jonah wins this battle. After being confined (for the most part) to his bed for the last seven and a half hours, Jonah continues to insist that he's not tired and assures me that I should go to sleep and stop worrying about him. I'm going to take his advice, seeing as how I need to get up in two and a half hours to get him ready for school. That's going to be a joy.

-o-

Help! Jonah is about to stop believing in Mickey Mouse! We were showing him pictures of him and Mickey at Disney World and he told us "Those are just costumes. I want to see the real Mickey."

-o-

Aww man....Jonah is asking how not to die through sniffles.

-o-

### **Chapter 5: Logan B** , Jonah 5, Aaron 2

-o-

Me: Jonah, don't do that.

Jonah: It's okay! God told me I could.

-o-

"Tbejiroe" - What happens when you invite a five year old to take part in the baby naming process.

-o-

How Logan came to share a name with a mutant.

I forget exactly when and why Kiren shifted her focus from cross-cultural religious names to, well, not that. But at some point she realized that all the names in our family thus far had five letters (no, she wasn't counting "Rico"). And she decided that she wanted to continue that "theme" with the next child. And also, that it would be really cool if the names were linked in some way, like by sharing letters or somesuch. I didn't mind the plan, although I wasn't as gung ho about it as Kiren was, but we were months out and I figured, eh, we have a few months to see if we like any names that fit this new scheme. Plus, I was just happy that we weren't talking about renaming Aaron to 'Jaron'.

So we tried to find some cool names that fit the scheme off and on for the next few months. We tried other names too, but we weren't sold on anything. But hey, we had a few weeks to go; we knew something would come to us.

Logan arrived two weeks early. We had no name. Just a "hey, wouldn't it be cool if?" kinda plan. And a hospital room with internet access. So we spent pretty much every available moment in Kiren's post-birth hospital room using the hospital's bed-chained keyboard to navigate their TV-based web system to search for five letter names that shared letters with 'Jonah' and 'Aaron', and finally we hit upon the combination 'Logan'. And learned that, as a name, it meant "small hollow". And we were okay with that. And then we did a rundown of other things we could think of Logan-related, and catalogued both the claw-wielding mutant and Kiren's cousin. And we were okay with both of those associations. And so we announced the arrival of Logan to the world.

-o-

Jonah (assistant) taught his first karate class! Granted, it was only because we toootally had the wrong date/time for his class and the master of the karate center felt bad sending Jonah right back out the door, but it was still pretty cool watching Jonah lead a class of 3 to 5-year olds through their drills.

-o-

About two years or so ago I had to install an additional latch towards the top of the front door because I caught Jonah leaving the house by himself to go visit his Nana and Nani. Today Jonah undid the latch himself because he got tired of waiting for me to let him out. I guess an alarm would be the next step up, right?

-o-

Yay! Jonah still has a sense of wonder! He's been hunting leprechauns all day with a leprechaun finder he built. He even got mad at me for not swinging the car around so he could take his leprechaun finder to his Mad Science class.

-o-

Jonah asked me if we could take a trip to Ireland because he couldn't find any leprechauns on St. Patrick's Day and he wanted to try hunting for them on their home turf.

-o-

After Jonah graduated from yellow belt to gold belt we told him he could pick where to go for his celebratory lunch and he asked to go home for lunch. At which point we had to inform him that that particular establishment was not currently equipped to serve a celebratory lunch. So he made reservations for tomorrow night. At home. Sigh... I swear I'm getting worse at this.

-o-

This morning as Jonah was getting ready for school he asked me to assist him on his latest scientific endeavor \- to figure out why, even though he eats foods with lots of different colors, his poop is almost always brown (he has already noted the exceptions for when he eats his colorful sugar cookies). I'm thinking I'll do the preliminary web search on this one while the kids are out of the room.

-o-

Even Aaron is pitching in with Logan. In fact, Aaron just tried to feed Logan. Step #1? Hiking his shirt high enough to expose his nipple.

-o-

How far behind am I on laundry? Aaron had to dress up as a glow-in-the-dark skeleton to go to bed.

-o-

Aaron's art teacher insists that he performs tasks better and has better focus when he doesn't have parental supervision. I think Aaron's just up to something, but I haven't figured out his end game yet.

-o-

Jonah: Did you and Kiren get rings when you got married?

Me: Me and who, Jonah?

Jonah: Kiren.

Me: And who is Kiren?

Jonah: Your babe.

-o-

Fashion sense - nature or nurture? Or... What would possess a five-year-old to request faux-ripped jean shorts?

-o-

I took Jonah to his school's Spirit Night tonight and as soon as he swallowed his last fry he ditched me to go hang with his friends. I thought that wasn't supposed to start until his teens. At least he stopped worrying about whether his Mickey Mouse jammies were cool enough for the Chick-Fil-A (it was pajama day at school, and fortunately I wasn't the only parent that hadn't bothered to change their kid).

-o-

Jonah: I want to keep the fish I catch.

Me: Why? Are you going to eat them?

Jonah: I'm going to take them to McDonald's so they can make fish sandwiches.

Me: I don't think McDonald's lets you bring your own food to cook like that.

Jonah: That's okay. They can give the sandwiches to other kids.

-o-

I love that Jonah's more diabolical schemes include a step for shouting "Nani nani boo boo!"

-o-

In my experience, no one is as incessantly helpful as a kindergartener who has just learned to tell time.

As an added bonus, Jonah has decided to use his new skill to provide his school bus driver with an evaluation of her promptness. She did not do well today.

-o-

I'm not going to say that Logan doesn't like me, but Jonah just walked by me holding a conscious yet quiet Logan and asked, "Why isn't Logan crying?"

-o-

Jonah: Slime is sticky! Did you know that?

Me: Yes.

Jonah: Pretend you're a kid. Did you know that?

-o-

Jonah has chosen a stage name (and in fact was getting angry at me for not referring to him by it in full during the preview performance of his latest show) - "Jonah Khan".

-o-

Me: Jonah, it's time to get up for school!

Jonah, eyes closed, hands instinctively clutching the covers: I'm trying to finish reading this wooorrrd!

-o-

Jonah's first glimmer of interest in his comparative religions homeschooling was upon hearing that the ancient Egyptians believed bad people were eaten by a monster in the afterlife.

-o-

For those of you concerned that Jonah didn't have enough snakes & snails in him, this morning he excitedly called me over to the toilet so he could show off his... sculpture. And once he was sure I appreciated his art he flushed and waved, calling out, "Goodbye, poop frog!"

-o-

Apparently only the first big thump was on purpose. Unfortunately, after the first false alarm I

pretty much ignored the second big thump. According to Jonah, he can't walk now, but he's confident his legs will be working fine again by the time our first family barbecue guests arrive.

-o-

Jonah has woken up earlier than me and then woken me up to get him ready for school twice this year. The first day of school and today, when he's attending the afternoon kindergarten session.

-o-

I'm still failing to see the benefit of paying $2.25 per pound, plus the price of a hayride ticket, for the chance to pluck strawberries off the ground when Wegman's sells strawberries for $1.75/lb.. Especially since the Wegman's folks will walk my strawberries from the register to my car for me for free.

-o-

It's amazing how quickly my anger dissipates when my boy says something and I realize he has absolutely no concept of sarcasm. I'm referring, of course, to the two-year-old. The five-year-old has been apprenticing for years. On a related note, I am so sorry Mom & Dad!

-o-

Logan can't roll onto his tummy yet, but he will dive-bomb an appetizer if the opportunity presents itself.

-o-

Jonah on the Dawn of Mankind: When there were dinosaurs, there were only a few people, then the people figured out how to make guns, then they bought the guns, then they shot all the dinosaurs, and then there were people.

-o-

Kiren: Wow, Jonah, where did you learn all that about dinosaurs?

Jonah: I just know things. I'm a smart kid.

Kiren: Wow, okay. Did you learn from books or school?

Jonah: No... I'm a really smart kid. The smartest kid in the world!

Aaron: Me too, me too!

-o-

Second grade gal to Jonah at school festival: Hi Jonah!

Second grade gal's mom to second grade gal: Um... Who was that? How do you know him?

-o-

I'm very impressed that Jonah and his classmates learned how to perform 16 songs for their kindergarten pageant, even if it was essentially their educational output for the month of June.

-o-

Jonah, while getting ready for school this morning: Guess what? After tomorrow, you won't have to fight with me in the morning anymore!

Me: You're going to summer camp.

-o-

I let Jonah pick his own bedtime last night, since he's really only getting about three days of summer vacation before his summer camp and school-assigned summer homework start kicking in. After confirming that he read the clock correctly and it was 1:36am, he informed me that "I think my bedtime tonight should be 1:30." So I sent him to bed.

-o-

Me: Did you have fun on your field trip today?

Jonah: No. All we did was walk around, draw things, eat, and drink... Just boring things.

-o-

### **Chapter 6: Jonah 6** , Aaron 2, Logan 0

-o-

Aaron, to Kiren as she's nursing Logan: I want to try that too!

-o-

Sometimes you just gotta let the two-year-old suck on an "Atomic Fire Ball".

-o-

Jonah wants to be picked up early from camp tomorrow so he doesn't have to go to the camp dance party. He's afraid the other kids will laugh at him when he dances. Is that something people are born with?

-o-

Jonah is demanding an extra day of day care because his cooking class got rescheduled. When I was his age I got a key to the house and instructions not to beat my little brother. I can't imagine what Jonah is going to have to do to spoil his kids.

-o-

So how come it's so wrong for me to expect Jonah to pitch in with a part-time job but perfectly okay for Alex's Lemonade Stand to put him to work at a cash register?

-o-

I put on Disney Channel for the boys while I cleaned the house (yes, I'm that kind of parent), and Jonah took the remote and flipped through the channels until he found a cooking show to watch.

-o-

The ridiculous story of Jonah's first snow tubing trip.

Kiren and I, along with her two sisters, decided to take Jonah on an overnight snow tubing trip in the Poconos. We met up at Kiren's office to merge cars and luggage. It was snow tubingly chilly, so as things were being moved from trunk to trunk the car Jonah was in was left running to keep the heat on for him. Also, and for reasons that have never been adequately explained to me, Jonah was let out of his car seat. This latter fact I discovered when Jonah locked us all out of the running car he was occupying with a single press of a button. That button being located for the driver's ease of use.

Now, as it happens, you don't have to spend too much time trying to get a small child to let you back into a running locked car to garner attention, particularly when it's quitting time at an office building. So soon we had a lot of... concerned... individuals mobbing our car as we tried different things. So many that I had to ask them to please step away from the car lest their concerned, and in some case, tear-soaked, faces signal to Jonah that something was wrong. Eventually, after like say, twenty to thirty minutes, the cops finally arrived to assist us with breaking into the car. Exactly as the cops pulled up, Jonah unlocked the doors. And we were free to start our weekend getaway. After a quick stop for gas.

Here's where it gets ridiculous. Since we were traveling with Kiren's sisters, we got two rooms for the night, and we were able to get adjoining rooms. As soon as we got inside, we latched the doors of both rooms shut and opened up the adjoining door. Jonah was tuckered out from the day's fun, so we laid him on a bed in one room while we all went about eating or watching TV or whatever in the other room. I don't think any of the four of us were even looking at the adjoining door when it closed. But we all sure heard it shut. And quickly noticed that there was no keyhole on our side of the now-locked door. So we quickly called the front desk, explaining what had happened, including the fact that we had latched the hallway door of the other room and could not enter with our key card that way, and they assured us they would send up a maintenance person right away. And within minutes, a maintenance person did arrive, carrying a toolbox in one hand and a crow bar in the other. I asked the maintenance person what they did in situations like this, and she told me, "Well, we'll have to break the door in." Which she did in moments, prying the door open with the crow bar. And we rushed to Jonah, who was still sleeping as soundly as when we laid him down.

-o-

Jonah: Daddy, why haven't you gotten those learning cards?

Me: Which ones are you talking about?

Jonah: The ones on tv. So that Logan can read.

-o-

So I'm taking advantage of the hurricane to get some cleaning hours in and I discover that Jonah got himself an autograph from Miss Nevada 1993. On a DVD. About how to perform magic tricks.

-o-

Jonah: Daddy, what's a climax?

-o-

Jonah, upon spotting somebody tending to their lawn as we drove to Jonah's grandparents' place: That reminds me, I have to mow the lawn. Maybe I can do that tomorrow.

Note: Jonah is not involved in our lawn care.

-o-

I know I didn't set the bar very high, but I still think it's a little weird that Aaron is smoother than me at two years old than I ever was at any point in my life.

-o-

Oops. Upon reviewing Jonah's summer homework packet, I see I completely forgot to help him achieve his objective for the summer. Spraying his daddy with a water blaster.

-o-

I just found a cache of Kiren's old baby shower cards from folks that couldn't wait to meet our princess. We decided to go ahead and chuck those cards before Aaron learns how to read.

-o-

And so it begins... Jonah's homework for the day is to memorize his PIN number to access his lunch account at school.

-o-

So Jonah didn't come home from his nana's (grandfather's) yesterday, nor does he plan on coming home today, but he still wants to prepare a welcome home lunch tomorrow for his currently vacationing family members. So he asked us to call him with the groceries required by his recipes, after which he'd ask Nana to take him grocery shopping. Kiren and I are so curious to see how this plan turns out we said okay.

-o-

I'm probably supposed to stop Jonah from completing his spelling homework of writing the same word three times in an assembly line fashion, right? Like, not let him draw one long line for three 't's and put three little crosses across the main line? (Fortunately, Kiren was on the case while I was debating between discouraging his shortcuts and encouraging his efficiency.)

-o-

I don't feel so guilty making a pizza after we've put the kids to bed now that I've chatted with parents who sneak their take-out from their car to their bedroom and eat in secret behind closed doors.

-o-

The one time I tried a pizza cone I thought it was a disgusting mess more suited to directing all of a pizza slice's oil to a single point than to delivering a delicious snack. But I can't think of a better way to give Jonah warm pizza for lunch then to roll it up and stuff it in his thermos. Which, by the way, has been working great for fish sticks, chicken nuggets, and gyoza.

-o-

Okay, so that's two karate uniform shirts ruined by congratulatory sundaes. I think I'm going to have to bestow a celebration smock on Jonah from my collection of t-shirts that haven't fit me since college and keep it in Aaron's diaper bag for those occasions when we're ice cream proud of Jonah but don't have time to change his clothes.

-o-

Jonah: Daddy... Is that blood?

Me: Yes.

Jonah: Why is there blood all over the wall behind that man?

Me: Because the people that make the TV show with that man think all that blood will get more people to watch their show.

-o-

I'm not sure what Jonah was looking for when he got bored with Disney Channel this time, but he settled on watching a surgery.

-o-

Aaron: I need medicine!

Me: You just got medicine on your bottom. You don't need any other medicine right now.

Aaron: I need medicine!

Me: You're not getting any medicine right now. You can have vitamins.

Aaron: No, I want medicine, you silly goose.

Me: And just what do you need medicine for?

Aaron: My tummy hurts.

Me: We don't have medicine for little tummies. But you can have vitamins.

Aaron: Lift me up!

Me: I know there is medicine in that cabinet, Aaron, but there is no medicine for little tummies. See, this one is for colds and coughs, this one is for fevers...

Aaron: I'll take the one for fever.

-o-

How on Earth did Jonah develop a brand preference for Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing? We only buy generic salad dressings!

-o-

I would like to thank my kids for helping me lose ten pounds this month. It certainly wasn't through exercise, and it most definitely was not through healthier eating choices, so I've got to attribute it all to the boys making it impossible to shove food in my mouth during any a.m. hour. Special shout out goes to Jonah's bus driver, who has decided to start coming around ten minutes early juuust often enough to force our whole family's morning schedule five minutes back.

-o-

Jonah just stormed upstairs and slammed the door to his room because he didn't feel I was giving proper credence to his version of a conversation we had not five minutes prior. Awesome. At least I have a few peaceful moments to sit here and contemplate what he's going to be like as a teenager.

-o-

The one sound guaranteed to wake up Logan, no matter what time day or night? Aaron's voice. The one sound we can't manage to contain in our household, no matter what time day or night? Aaron's voice.

-o-

I really need to install a jump seat on the front door to contain Logan while I prep Aaron to leave the house.

-o-

Jonah's current stage name? John Heatherton. No, I have no idea how he chose it. He says that the stage name was assigned by slimemaker (all lowercase; we checked), the factory that was sponsoring our dinner show. Incidentally, Mr. Heatherton says he knows a Jonah in the Play-Doh department of slimemaker, but it turns out that Jonah was too busy with work to join us for the show.

-o-

Jonah's response to me trying to explain his teacher's instructions for his homework: Daddy! Why won't you just let me live my life when I'm homeworking!

-o-

Aaron: Where we going?

Me: Home.

Aaron: Why?

Me: Because Jonah's bedtime was over four hours ago and it's time for us all to go home and go to sleep.

Aaron: Can I have two minutes?

Me: Sure, Aaron, you can have two more minutes.

Aaron: To play tuba?

(No. We don't have a tuba.)

-o-

I just pulled a hairball from Logan's mouth. Time to vacuum.

-o-

Jonah: I should start a company with Nana. We could fix things and mow lawns.

-o-

Ok, my boys need to chill for an evening. I am NOT taking dirty laundry home to my parents' house when I'm 35.

-o-

All week I had thought that Aaron was really excited about going to San Diego. It turns out he thought we were going on an expedition to find Dora's cousin Diego. So now I have to arrange a Diego sighting.

-o-

It turns out that, even while pulling toy-filled luggage, Aaron is not big enough to stop the sliding glass doors at the Philly airport from closing on him. Nor do the doors appear to have a pressure sensor to note that they are repeatedly trying to close on a body.

-o-

Aaron: I don't want to play anymore. I want to sit with the girl.

My mom: You might want to tell him that they're related.

-o-

Ok, seriously, why do so many tourists want to take photos of my kids? Today it was a group of 17 middle- to senior- aged folks from China (1 female, 16 male), each of whom wanted to pose for their own individual picture with the boys.

-o-

It turns out that Jonah does not enjoy contemporary art. Total time it took him to hit every exhibit at the three-story "The New Children's Museum" in San Diego - 20 minutes. And the bulk of that was watching a vacuum tube suck up dollar donations.

-o-

Apparently Aaron has spent the last week looting my parents' house. Half the stuff we found in his luggage while packing for the flight home wasn't his.

-o-

You'd think that Jonah wouldn't come back from his non-contact karate class with a bruised face, but you'd be mistaken. I'm just glad it was his first class after seeing my parents and not the last class before.

-o-

Oh, good, Jonah can in fact take care of Logan while I'm trying to close a deal on the phone. That's handy. And honestly, I think Jonah appreciated the break from his homework anyway.

-o-

Jonah is hard at work writing out the alphabet in block letters. Why? Because a girl in his class wants to learn how to write in block letters and he told her he'd teach her.

-o-

Oops... I kinda... sorta... clotheslined Aaron there. But when I announce, "Stay out of the kitchen for a minute! I'm putting something in the oven!", that's not a cue to coming running full speed through the kitchen at the oven.

-o-

Hmm... apparently my education of Jonah is lacking in some subject matters. Today at school Jonah noticed that there was a hole in his glove, and when he very conversationally demonstrated to his classmate that his middle finger was no longer completely protected from the elements, the classmate took offense. When Jonah got home he asked if he had to worry about any of his other fingers upsetting people or if it was just his middle finger.

-o-

I was aware that Jonah has essentially been doing football passing drills for recess every day of first grade, but it was still a little humbling to find out he had better form and accuracy with a football than I do. Sure, his range maxes out at about twenty five yards, but at ten yards he can put some heat on his spiral.

-o-

Jonah: Oooh! We got a new floor!

Me: No, we didn't get a new floor. I just cleaned up a little.

Jonah: I know.

Aaron, jumping up and down: The floor is clean! Yay! Now I can play!

-o-

Jonah offered to help set up our Christmas tree for two dollars. Negotiations ended with him agreeing to pay one dollar to be included when we decorate the tree.

-o-

Jonah's homework sentence for the word "said" \- "Mom said no." Which displaced my previous favorite after only a thirty second reign; for the words "when" and "your" - "When did your pet die?"

-o-

### **Chapter 7: Aaron 3** , Logan 0, Jonah 6

-o-

I'm not saying toilet training isn't an important step in a child's development, but what I really want Aaron to learn is to run towards the nearest toilet when he feels something funny in his tummy instead of projectile vomiting all over my bed.

-o-

Conversation with Jonah at 4:30am:

Jonah: So you were up late with Aaron and Logan?

Me: Yes, Jonah.

Jonah: And Aaron spit up a lot?

Me: Yes, Jonah.

Jonah: And you've been up all night doing laundry?

Me: Yess, Jonah.

Jonah: And then you're going to have to get up first in the morning to get me ready for school?

Me: Yesss, Jonah.

Jonah: You're going to be really tired tomorrow, aren't you?

Me: Yessss, Jonah! Go back to sleep!

-o-

Unsurprisingly, Aaron cannot watch Logan while I'm closing a deal on the phone. Or more accurately, "The Lion King" cannot watch Aaron while I'm closing a deal on the phone. Fortunately, I wasn't dealing with somebody that would hang up just because they heard an elf yelling "What you doing? What you doing? What you doing?" on the other line throughout the conversation.

-o-

Katy Perry: T! G! I! F!

T! G! I! F!

T! G! I! F!

Jonah: Daddy, what does T-G-I-F spell?

-o-

Jonah, from bathroom: Aaron!

Aaron, from bedroom: Yes, dear?

-o-

(trying to help Jonah start his fifth homework sheet of the night)

Me: Name a holiday.

Jonah: Umm... Mexico... and Germany.

Me: No, those are countries, not holidays. Try a holiday we celebrate. Or a holiday they celebrate in Mexico or Germany.

Jonah: Do they celebrate Hanukkah in Mexico?

Me: Yes, I'm sure they do. So let's use Hanukkah.

Jonah: How do you spell Hanukkah?

Me: H-A-N-U-K-K-A-H

Jonah: But we don't live in Mexico.

-o-

Overheard in Jonah's art class:

"Why were you grounded?"

"I stole forty dollars from a man."

-o-

Is it possible that a sense of urgency is genetic? And that Jonah is somehow missing that particular gene?

-o-

Annual State of Wonder Report: Jonah not only still believes in Santa, but he believes that Macy's is the most effective way to get a message to the big guy. And Aaron still wants to find Diego to say thanks for the shoes and to show off his new Wuggle Pets.

-o-

Logan walked unassisted today! Towards a two-year-old girl he had just met in the lobby of Jonah's karate class.

-o-

Why I'm usually standing closer to the exits at parties than I am to my kids.

About the time that Aaron turned two, we attended a wedding reception in Philadelphia's Chinatown. The venue was, of course, very nice, except perhaps the sketchy looking door to the street, which only opened to reveal a staircase up. Once you got upstairs, though, very nice. Kiren's family had prepared some sort of computer-based presentation for the bride, but as luck would have it they did not have the appropriate connectors to tap into the venue's AV system. But I figured, hey, we're in Chinatown. I don't care if it's past 9pm on a weekend, somebody around here is selling electronic components. So I told Kiren of my mission and headed on out.

I'll admit, not as many places were open as I thought there would be, so I had to walk a little further than I had originally imagined. But I was right in that the first curio shop I went in to had a line of adapters behind the counter that would do the job. So I made my purchase and started heading back to the party a little bit before 10pm. And about a block away from the venue I came across Aaron, all alone, walking in the opposite direction.

-o-

I met the family at the children's museum half an hour before it closed. We lost Aaron 3 1/2* times before we left. So, so not good.

* I'm only scoring half a lost child for the time I actually had eyes on Aaron when a mob of kids running by broke my line of sight and Aaron did that ninja disappearing thing every mildly creepy TV or movie character can pull off, but I found him within a minute in the very first adjacent room I checked.

-o-

I'm making a list of all the things I would've assumed I don't have to tell the kids, but may be mistaken about. Number one on the list - don't stuff food, particularly a bowl full of macaroni & cheese, including the bowl, down your onesie.

-o-

Jonah: Can I set something on fire?

-o-

You know, I always thought Jonah would be a lot further along in school before he first stumped me with a homework-related question.

-o-

I'll admit, I was a little disappointed when Jonah picked President Obama as the subject of his Black History Month project from his teacher's list of pre-approved Great Black Americans (I don't care if Jonah shares my politics, I just thought it was a lazy choice), but how could I argue when Jonah put down as one of his reasons for liking President Obama that "He is a lawyer like my Daddy."?

-o-

Ok, so clearly I need to start sending Jonah to school with either more tissues or shorter sleeves.

-o-

If only Logan was old enough to understand Newton's laws... the way hurling that wipes box launched him into a backflip off the couch was a perfect illustration.

-o-

No, Jonah, Logan was not crying the entire time you and Amme were at your school's Mother/Son Extravaganza, thank you very much. Not even when Logan fell off the couch.

-o-

Clearly, Kiren must have loosened the jar lid before Jonah took a crack at it.

[Added at Jonah's request]: Amme tried to open the jar, but it wouldn't budge, so Jonah opened the jar all by himself!

-o-

For breakfast Jonah and Aaron are having a lo mein salad Jonah made in his "Kids in the Kitchen" class at Wegman's. So, so worth the five bucks.

-o-

I can't believe how exhilarating it was to watch Jonah score a run in a wiffle ball game. I wonder if there's something genetic at work there.

-o-

Registration opened at eight this morning for a sushi making class Jonah wanted to take. By 9:30am there were only four spots open. Fortunately, I was able to drag the little ones over to Wegman's fast enough to secure Jonah a spot, although Aaron did have to eat his breakfast in the car.

-o-

Jonah: Daddy! Why didn't you get the chocolate off my shirt?

Me: I tried, kiddo. Sometimes food stains just set in and I can't get them out.

Jonah: Why don't you use OxiClean?

-o-

Jonah, at my office: What's this?

Me: That's my list of things I have to get done.

Jonah: How come there are only two things checked off?

Me: That's... all I got done today.

Jonah: You have a lot of things left to do.

-o-

### **Chapter 8: Logan 1** , Jonah 6, Aaron 3

-o-

Jonah is actually happy there will be six more weeks of winter. Why? Because he hasn't had a chance yet this winter to fill up a bag with snow and stick it in the freezer.

-o-

Me, attempting to dress Aaron: Is this shirt ok?

Aaron: No.

Me: Well, which shirt do you want?

Aaron: I want this one. That's hot!

-o-

Even though Jonah gave up after less than one panel, I still love that he tried to read that brochure he picked up on birthday party pricing before handing it over to me and asking for help.

-o-

Aaron has strapped on Kiren's kickboxing gloves and Jonah is teaching him how to throw various kicks. My Spidey sense is telling me to put a stop to it, but I'm really curious to see how this plays out.

-o-

Jonah: Daddy, remember the sock you gave me for art class? It's really colorful inside and out now. I can bring it back and you can wear it!

Me: Umm... thanks, Jonah, but I don't really want to wear a really colorful sock. Do you?

Jonah: Yeah!

Me: Ok, then, you can bring it back and you can wear it.

Jonah: Maybe I will when I'm all grown up. If you're still alive then, I'll show you!

-o-

You know, I never thought MY boy would feel a need to buy the same fashion accessory as everybody else just to fit in. And I certainly didn't expect that fashion accessory to be a Cat-in-the-Hat hat.

-o-

Jonah really, really wants a Vitamix 5200 blender. Why? Because he was blown away by the live product demonstration that he watched for twenty-five minutes both last Saturday and again this Saturday at Wegman's.

-o-

Jonah: When are they gonna have White History Month?

-o-

Ah, the benefits of older siblings. Jonah spent part of the morning helping Aaron perfect his Nani-nani-boo-boo technique.

-o-

How concerned should I be that Jonah asked Kiren and me for our bank account number?

-o-

Dear Miss Manners,

We've recently befriended a clown, who agreed to come to our home for a birthday party for our youngest two boys. Unfortunately the party had to be postponed and the clown was unsure whether she was able to make the new date. While we were waiting for her to get back to us, we ran into our old go-to clown at her new job as a sous chef at our oldest boy's cooking class (she recognized us before we recognized her out of make-up), and after hearing our predicament our old clown agreed to put on her make-up one more time if the new clown was unavailable for the new date. As it turns out, the new clown is available for the young ones' party after all. That's not my problem. My problem is this - now that we've re-established communication with our old go-to clown, our oldest boy wants her to be at his next birthday party... which he wants to hold at the new clown's primary place of employment. Assuming that the venue even allows us to bring our own clown when they have a perfectly good one available on-site, would it be rude, insulting, or otherwise a bad thing to bring our old clown to the oldest boy's party?

-o-

Jonah is way too young to be hooked on a reality show. And how did he even catch an episode of "Gold Rush" to begin with?

-o-

Jonah, getting bored while watching "Hugo": When are we gonna watch him build something?

-o-

My favorite Thing You Can Only Do When Self-Employed (And Probably Shouldn't Even Do Then) thus far - taking a meeting in my van with two sick kids strapped in to their car seats behind me.

-o-

Me: Sorry, Jonah, but if you're still not feeling well then, no, you can't go to your cooking class.

Jonah: Well, then, can you go and make a video of the class for me?

(No. No I did not. But I did go to his class to pick up his ingredients and recipes.)

-o-

Jonah: I Am A Robot. I Am From Germany.

-o-

Aaron: What's that sound?

Kiren: It's a fan belt. That car needs a new fan belt.

Aaron: It's not a ghost?

-o-

Jonah, before I have even finished unloading the van at our spring break destination: Does anybody have any duct tape?

-o-

Jonah, about ten seconds after receiving "The Book of Potentially Catastrophic Science" from his aunt: Where's the gunpowder page?

-o-

Jonah: Aaron, look out! Security!

-o-

Six. That is apparently the age I have to tell Jonah he's not allowed to entertain a girl in his room without supervision.

-o-

Jonah volunteered to change Logan's diaper. And then... actually changed Logan's diaper. Turned my whole week around.

-o-

So I'm sitting at the end of a runway waiting for Kiren to finish giving Jonah and Aaron a joyride in a Cessna and all I can think is... Wow... skydivers come down really, really fast.

-o-

Really, Jonah's school? Counting down to the end of the school year with twenty-six flippin' theme days in a row? Can't you just make a paper chain like everybody else?

-o-

Jonah: How far are we from [my school]?

Me: We just left it a minute ago.

Jonah: How far are we from karate?

Me: About three or four minutes.

Jonah: ...... Do we have any empty water bottles?

-o-

15 months. My daily battle of wits with Logan stopped being one-sided at fifteen months.

-o-

Yay! Jonah got into the week of cooking lessons he was wait-listed for this summer!

-o-

The first time I ever got stopped by airport security.

As was explained to me, a Pakistani wedding is traditionally held in four parts, of which we only did three. The last part, the Valima, is a wedding reception thrown by the groom's family. My parents were game, so long as the reception was held in my hometown so that everybody that couldn't make it to the East Coast for the first two parts of the wedding could come to the Valima. And if it could have an open bar. So our Valima was held in San Diego (okay, La Jolla). And to this day it's been the only Valima I've been to with an open bar.

It took a lot of people a lot of time to get Kiren into her wedding dress. And it took even more people even more time to create the dress. The dress was amazing and had decorations covering every square inch of the piece held in place by gold wiring. Which, coincidentally, made the dress weigh some twenty pounds. But Kiren really wanted to show off the dress at the Valima, so she took it to San Diego. She also didn't want to take the slightest chance of losing the dress, so she put it in her carry on.

It turns out that when you put in the neighborhood of twenty pounds of gold wiring into a suitcase and send it through an airport scanner, the first thought that pops into the head of airport security is not, "Wow, what an exquisitely made wedding dress!" It's more, "Is this your suitcase, ma'am? We're going to need you to open it. Slowly."

And as I glanced back after passing the checkpoint to see what the hold up was, airport security noticed my interest and told me "Sir, are you together? We're going to need to you to stand over here." A similar scenario played out later at a US-Mexico border crossing, minus the dress, but with a whole lot more relatives with the surname Khan.

-o-

It's a good thing I don't drink alcohol. Logan was just taking our empties out of the recycling bin and knocking them back for whatever drops he could get.

-o-

Me, to Logan: Okay, let's just put down the nunchucks so I can change your diaper.

-o-

The last thing Aaron did before settling down for his fourth attempt at a nap at 7:45pm was run head first into the backside of a Ford F-150. And the last thing he heard before falling asleep was a lecture on listening to your parents and/or at least looking where you're bloody going when you're running away from your parents.

-o-

Jonah: What are you talking about, Aaron?

Me: Umm... he's talking about Mickey's dog.

Jonah. Oh. I thought he was talking about the underworld god.

-o-

Aaron: That's not cheating. That's winning!

-o-

Me: Jonah, how long have you been up?

Jonah: Since four.

Me: What?!?

Jonah: Oh, don't worry. I haven't been watching TV the whole time. I was playing until seven

-o-

Hmmm... either Aaron has taken a sudden liking to speaking gibberish, or he's figured out that I can't speak Urdu and is venting his frustration at Logan in a manner that he knows I can't immediately object to.

-o-

I just wanted to take a moment to wholeheartedly endorse Mr. Clean Magic Erasers. The spin art paint is completely gone from my walls, doors, countertop, and floor. They didn't do anything for my carpet or seat cushion, but hey, I'm just thrilled I don't have to live in an unfinished Jackson Pollock piece. And honestly, the paint stains on the carpet draw attention away from the Indian food stains.

-o-

Well that was an easily averted crisis. Luckily, I'm related to a rocket scientist that can explain to Jonah that even scientists had to go to second grade.

-o-

After watching me search the house for ten minutes for the bottle I had been feeding him this morning, Logan decided to help me out by retrieving the bottle from the kitchen drawer in which he had stashed it.

-o-

Oh, how I long for the days when the only things soiling my carpet were green paint and Indian food.

-o-

Jonah got mad at me for blending something using our "old" blender and not using a Vitamix blender. In my defense, we don't actually own a Vitamix blender.

-o-

"I want Eric. That's my favorite!" - Aaron requesting Disc 1 of the "Dungeons & Dragons - The Complete Animated Series"

-o-

Jonah and Aaron really enjoyed that bop bag. For the half hour or so they played with it before they punctured it.

-o-

### **Chapter 9: Jonah 7** , Aaron 3, Logan 1

-o-

Me: What are you up to, Aaron?

Aaron: I'm looking for my sister.

-o-

Okay, I have literally been playing with Aaron and Logan for the past hour, and I still have no idea where Logan's new bloody wound is from. In fact, Aaron had to point out to me that Logan was bleeding, because apparently Logan gets these minor cuts so often they don't even warrant a break in his giggling any more.

-o-

Jonah, sitting down to share a batch of grilled cheese sandwiches: Which burnt one is mine?

-o-

Resolved - to keep enough small bills on hand so I don't have to borrow cash from Jonah's ATM machine to pay him for the yard work he does.

-o-

Up until tonight I thought the hardest thing to scrub out of a carpet was my kid's poop. The new category leader is nail polish.

-o-

Aaron's favorite new drink? Chocolate milk with peas. I was about to object, but then I realized that 1) I need an extra wide straw to suck in my boba when I drink bubble tea, and 2) at least he was eating his peas with gusto.

-o-

Aaron, from the back seat: Turn!... TURN!!!...... Nice turning!

-o-

Usually when one of Jonah's little brothers gets in trouble for destroying/smashing/scattering/etc. something of Jonah's, I give Jonah a mini companion lecture about recognizing that he's related to pint-sized forces of chaos and anticipating the likely consequences when he leaves his things laying about . But when Aaron shoved Jonah's new boomerang down the car window slot while the car window was actually still up, well... there was nothing to do but promise Jonah we'd get him a new boomerang at the earliest available opportunity.

-o-

Funnel cake tastes so much sweeter when your kid pays for it.

-o-

I have to figure out how to explain "birthmark" to Logan so that he'll stop trying to scrub mine off.

-o-

I'm sure that Aaron bolting from the house unaccompanied was completely unrelated to the group performance of "Halo" that was occurring at the time.

-o-

Apparently the boys volunteered to petsit a turtle. Anybody know a good turtle care primer?

-o-

Jonah: Let's play Dungeons and Dragons! I'll be Dungeon Master.

Aaron: I'll be the dragon!

Jonah: Daddy, you can be Venger. And Amme, you can be the girl that disappears.

-o-

Aaron was so excited when we told him we were having pancakes for dinner that he ran past Kiren - who was standing at the stove with a batch of pancake batter - to search the freezer for the pancakes we had promised him. Sigh....

-o-

(brush, brush, brush, brush)

Aaron: Daddy! I look like Logan!

Me: Do you... want to look the same as Logan? Or different?

Aaron: Different!

(brush, brush, brush, brush)

Aaron: Daddy! I look like Dora!

Me: Do you... want to look like Dora?

Aaron: Yeah!

-o-

(playing a computer game)

Me: Think of the boxes at the top of the screen as your Mouseketools. Which Mouseketool will help you get under the carpet?

Jonah: (immediately uses the piece of jagged glass to cut away a section of carpet... revealing a quill.)

Me: That's a quill. It's an old kind of pen made out of a feather that you dip in ink.

Jonah: I know, Daddy. They use one on "Gummi Bears".

-o-

Jonah's trip to the Exploratorium in San Francisco.

Jonah has never been to the Exploratorium in San Francisco. We tried to take him there once. We tried so friggin' hard. Kiren, as she always does, had done a lot of research regarding places to take kids when we decided we were going to San Francisco. And, naturally, we just HAD to take Jonah to the Exploratorium. So we set aside a day for it, and left our hotel in good spirits, hopping on the cable car to connect to a more conventional subway type deal. We were a little more drained when we got to what looked like the closest stop to the museum. Traveling with a little one will do that to you. But we found a little coffee shop on the fringe of the park that seemed nice, even if it wasn't big enough to push Jonah's stroller inside.

So that's what we were up to when it just started pouring buckets of rain down on our heads. The kind of rain where you're soaked in less than a minute, so you just kinda stop worrying about it because your clothes can only hold so much water. Plus, we were on a mission. And Jonah's stroller had a rain cover, so he was good to go. We assumed. Our vision was a little impaired at that point. But we pressed on to the park where the Exploratorium was located!

I'm pretty good with directions and maps in general. Usually. Maybe it was my limited ability to see through sheets of rain, but for whatever reason, I could not seem to find the path to the Exploratorium. For like an hour. Finally some park ranger spotted us and drove up to us to ask us what on Earth we were doing wandering the park during the deluge of rain. So we told him this was our one and only chance to take our boy to the Exploratorium, and we were gonna get there. So he told us, "You see that dome over there... right above the trees?"... and once I shielded my eyes from the pouring rain for a moment, yes, I could see it! "That's where you want be", he continued, "but the building is being renovated right now."

-o-

(while washing hands in a Six Flags bathroom)

Jonah: Daddy, how can I get that ticket?

Me: That's a poster telling people they should work here.

Jonah: Are there any jobs here that a kid can do?

Me: I don't think so, kiddo.

Jonah: Wait! I know a job a kid can do! I can tell people where everything is!

-o-

Jonah: Does anybody make shoes with jets on them?

Me: Sure, some people do.

Jonah: Can we buy some?

Me: They can't really sell them. They're too dangerous.

Jonah: So what do they do with them when they make them?

Me: Use them themselves and try not to get hurt too much.

Jonah: I'm going to make shoes with jets and I'm going to sell them to everybody, and I'm going to write down on a piece of paper how I use them and give that paper to everybody that buys the shoes, except if I hurt myself I'm not going to write down the thing I did on the paper.

-o-

Jonah: This is my favorite ride ever!

Me: Because they give you chocolate at the end of it?

Jonah: No, because it teaches me how to make chocolate for when you and Amme let me make chocolate at home.

Me: We're not letting you build a chocolate factory in the house, kiddo.

-o-

Jonah: Hey, [x]! What do you have for homework?

Me: Kiddo, you're in the same class. Chances are you have the same homework.

Jonah: What if they give the smarter kids harder homework and the less smart kids easier homework?

Me: That... probably won't happen until later... but, yeah, that's a possibility.

-o-

Jonah: I need to buy some wood.

Ianna: Why do you need wood?

Jonah: If I bought some wood, I could build a lemonade stand and make more money.

-o-

So Jonah has theorized that since he's the one picking out what he wants to do for his birthday party, he should be the one that's paying for the party. It would be really, really wrong to not argue with him, right?

-o-

Jonah, while watching "We Bought a Zoo": On the lips. Even though they're not married yet... And again.

-o-

It's bad when your kid feels the need to clean the kitchen table before he's comfortable sitting down for breakfast, isn't it?

-o-

Oops... I took Jonah and Aaron to Aaron's first gymnastics class an hour early. Fortunately, the place is down the road from my office. Even more fortunately, somebody left chocolate cake behind. So all in all, the boys are pretty happy for my mistake. And the conference room probably needed to be vacuumed anyway.

-o-

Jonah is window shopping out of a school supply catalog he borrowed from his teacher.

-o-

Jonah: Less Cocoa Puffs next time. 'cause it filled me up with crunchiness.

-o-

The good news? Jonah wants to write a book. The bad news? I'm fairly certain he's plagiarizing his idea.

-o-

Aaron: I have power!

Me: Yeah? What kind of power?

Aaron: TOTAL POWER!!!

-o-

Aaron: I have strong bones! You have... (feels up my arm)... a little bit strong bones.

-o-

Jonah: Why can't we sleep in the same bed?

Kiren: What did I tell you before?

Jonah: That's she's a girl and I'm a boy.

Kiren: Right.

Jonah: Why can't we get mixed up like you and daddy?

-o-

Jonah, working on his homework: I don't know the opposite of poor.

Me: Well, what does poor mean?

Jonah: When you pour something.

Me: Wrong poor. They're talking about when you don't have a lot of money.

Jonah: Oh, like when Scrooge McDuck lost his mansion.

Me: Exactly! And what was Scrooge McDuck before he lost his mansion?

Jonah: Happy.

-o-

We're missing a jumping bean, and I'm pretty sure that Logan is responsible... in some way....

-o-

So by 1am last night we had put Aaron to bed maybe half a dozen times, and I know he got out of bed at least one more time than that because I found him in a different bedroom this morning than where I left him last night, and he was still the first of the boys to wake up. I think I owe my parents another apology.

-o-

Jonah: Why can't I go to AC with you and Daddy?

Kiren: Because Daddy and I want to spend some time together.

Jonah: But you and Daddy never spend time together.

-o-

(at a children's fitness center open house)

Jonah: Daddy! Will you hold some cushions for me?

Me, not looking up from the text I'm sending: I'm not holding cushions for you, Jonah.

Jonah: But my bridge keeps falling apart every time I try to climb on top of it!

Me: Wait... What? (looking up to see that not only is Jonah propping up a not-quite-free standing four-foot-high bridge assembled out of gymnastics pylons, but that other kids are using a set of mobile steps to climb on top of the bridge and jumping from the bridge into a not-quite-adjacent ball pit)

-o-

Jonah: Daddy, do we need an air pump or do we have a quick connect hook up?

Me: I don't know, kiddo. I've never winterized our sprinkler system.

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, can Diego take a plane to our world?

Me: I don't think so, kiddo....

Aaron: Pleeease?

Me: It's not up to me.

Aaron: Is it up to Diego?

Me: Yes! That's it!

Aaron: Can I have your phone so I can call Diego?

-o-

I'm so glad Jonah's school called back before I got in the car to tell us they had called the wrong Jonah's parents when they called before to have us come pick up our sick child. Sounded like that poor kid was having a rough day, though.

-o-

Jonah is working on a skit he wants to perform at each and every house he trick-or-treats at. And it requires me planting gold doubloons prior to each performance.

-o-

Jonah burned his hand on the air compressor during the sprinkler winterizing process. So maybe a few more years of apprenticeship under his nana before Jonah is ready to fly solo.

-o-

Ugh... I'm so not feeling the PTO fundraising right now. I think I'm going to just write a check for 20% of a Ruby Tuesday burger, staple the check to Jonah's Joe Corbi package, send the pair in with Jonah's animal shelter-related donation tomorrow, and call it a "Red Ribbon" week. Although the above will really only cover us until Friday's canned good drive.

-o-

Jonah: I think I know why they call it a dumbbell.

Me: Oh? Why is that?

Jonah: Because it doesn't look anything like a bell. It's dumb for them to call it a bell.

-o-

(during Jonah's presentation on Pakistan for UN Day)

Teacher: What is this nice outfit you're wearing called?

Jonah: I don't know.

Teacher: And what you're wearing on your head... What do you call that?

Jonah: It's a hat.

Teacher: What about your shoes? Are those for special occasions?

Jonah: Actually, they're from China. I don't know why my amme included them with this outfit.

-o-

Me: We're just here to pick up your brothers, so you can go in to say "hello" and "goodbye" and that's it.

Jonah: Why can't I say "salaam alekum" and "khuda hafiz"?

-o-

Aaron: Okay, Daddy, it's your turn!

Me:... Alllright... Knock knock.

Aaron: Who's there?

Me: Interrupting cow.

Aaron: Interrupt-

Me: MoooOOOOOOooo

Aaron: Daddy, interrupting cow who?

Me:... sigh... Interrupting cow, poopypants.

Aaron: HAHAHAHA!!!

-o-

THUMP

Logan: waaahhh!

Kiren: Oh, no, Logan! How'd you get hurt?

Logan: (stops crying and starts climbing the furniture he just fell off of)

-o-

Aaron: We should give these to everybody...

Me: Aww! That's a great idea, Aaron!

Aaron: ... and make sure everybody pays for them.

Me: Never mind.

-o-

Me: What is that?

Jonah: Ink.

Me: Where's it from?

Jonah: We were stamping, and I fell, and I had the stamp in my hand....

-o-

The more Aaron explores and develops his sense of humor, the more he reminds me of Bobcat Goldthwait.

-o-

I can't believe I tossed and turned on the couch for two hours before I remembered we had an unoccupied guest room.

(FYI - Kiren didn't lock me out, she locked Logan in, and in seven years of living in this house I still haven't figured out how to use those little brass toothpicks the builders left on top of every door frame in the house to open those little pinhole locks.)

-o-

Jonah's Christmas Wish List begins with: "1. Crane that Amme keeps on saying no".

-o-

Apparently we need to teach Jonah a protocol for when the police come in and make an arrest in the public bathroom he is using.

-o-

Bruce Springsteen: Santa Claus is coming to town!

Aaron: Santa Claus is coming to town? Wow! Santa Claus is coming to New Jersey!

-o-

### **Chapter 10: Aaron 4** , Logan 1, Jonah 7

-o-

Jonah: Aaron, let Daddy relax! He's been working hard!

(... thereby earning himself a million brownie points.)

-o-

So I'm explaining to Kiren that I wasn't worried about the damage Jonah could potentially do because he was pretty clearly overlooking some problems with his power source in his excitement to execute some experiments, and it occurs to me - I maaay not be parenting Jonah correctly.

-o-

Exam prompt: Name a time you showed respect.

Jonah's response: You shud sho respect to teachers when they are toking.

Grader's comment: True!

-o-

I'm not sure if I'm looking forward to Jonah's school's "Winter Sing Along" more or less now that we've figured out that the "cat" singing Jonah was telling us would be featured in his class' performance will in fact be "scat" singing.

-o-

I'm very proud of Jonah for being such a big help at my Rotary event. And equal parts amused and perturbed that he made sure to wait until we were in the car heading out before he revealed that one of my fellow Rotarians had slipped him some cash for being such a big help at my Rotary event.

-o-

Jonah: What are you doing?

Me: We're buying you the full version of your game now after all.

Jonah: Oh. Do you want me to give you the money now?

Me: Oh, thanks, kiddo, but we're getting it for you.

Jonah: I could just change the number on your I.O.U. card.

Me: Thanks, Jonah, but we got this one.

-o-

The quandary we face every meal....

Kiren: This doesn't taste like anything. I'm going to get something else.

Jonah: Can I have thirds?

-o-

(on the way to karate)

Aaron: Can we go to the store we never go in to?

Kiren: Umm... which store?

Aaron: The one with the holes.

Kiren: Oh, you mean donuts?

Aaron, spotting what he wanted: Dunkins!

-o-

Here's hoping that the boys don't notice that their stockings are stuffed with their goodie bag spoils from the rest of the year.

-o-

Jonah, from the other end of the aisle at Wegman's: AMMEEE!!! YOU FORGOT TO BUY ME EVERYTHING I NEEDED TO MAKE GUNPOWDER!

-o-

We went three-for-three at the kids' gym today. Logan got a black eye and a bloody mouth when he was knocked down by a twenty-pound, three-foot wide plastic ring, which then fell on top of him; Aaron was involved in a head-on collision during a game of "Ursula"; and Jonah's foot was injured when he was blindsided while following the action in a game of "Hot Potato" by the aforementioned Ring o' Child Crushing in the same incident that took out Logan.

-o-

Jonah: When are we going to have another baby?

Aaron: We can name the baby Pudding! Pudding's a great name!

-o-

Jonah: When can I get my driver's license?

Me: Sorry, kiddo. It'll be years until you're allowed to take that test.

Jonah: Well, then, can I start practicing driving now?

-o-

That awkward moment when you're just trying to get an accurate headcount for your kids' birthday party and you find out that, as of a month ago, you're talking to the wrong parent.

-o-

Aaron: I WANT THE TREASURE BOX!!! That's what I'm whining about now!

-o-

Logan: Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Me, carrying Logan near the fridge, pantry, etc.: What do you want, Logan?

Aaron: He wants his Amme.

Logan: ...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Me: Seriously, Logan, just point out what you want.

Aaron: He wants his Amme!

Me: Yes, thank you, Aaron, I heard you.

Aaron: Just doing my job!

-o-

Jonah, to me: What's this word?

Me: Extractor.

Jonah, to his nana: You're missing the extractor head.

-o-

Joint birthday party? No problem whatsoever. Joint opening of birthday gifts? Oh my friggin' goodness....

-o-

Why I fear Logan the most.

Jonah and Aaron were pretty easy to categorize. Jonah is an agent of Order; Aaron is an agent of Chaos. Or, as Jonah put it a homework assignment once, Jonah is a Builder and Aaron is a Destroyer. And honestly, it kinda worked for us. Yes, the two butted heads constantly, but Kiren and I knew they were never going to team up against us, and Kiren and I could definitely handle either child so long as all the contests were two against one in our favor.

And then Logan came along. Right off the bat, there came the realization that we were outnumbered. But that mild concern faded long before Logan could roll over. And, I'll admit, I was getting a little worried there between Logan's first and second birthdays when he was Aaron's shadow. I miss those days. You see, for all of Aaron's unexpected nature, he can be contained with fairly little effort. He's just not the planner Jonah is. We used to joke that clearly Aaron was going to get in a LOT more trouble in life than Jonah was, but Jonah's indiscretions were far more likely to garner media attention. But we're not really worried about Jonah, because he can't help but boast about everything going on in his life, so we can see any really worrisome problems coming, sometimes days ahead. He's just not as interested in surprising people as Aaron is.

Which brings us to Logan. Let me illustrate what we now have to watch for. Suppose there is a wall. On one side of the wall, the side we keep the boys on, is safety. On the other side, is not. And suppose there is a weakness somewhere in that wall. Jonah will look at that wall, think something might be wrong, analyze the wall, and give us a ten minute lecture on the weakness he found and how he found it. Aaron will keep running face first into the wall. This statement is probably the most literal part of this paragraph. Aaron likes to run face first into walls. Aaron may not even be aware of the weakness of the wall, but sooner or later he'll find the wall is no longer inhibiting him, and he'll just keep running. But we'll probably notice him screaming about breaking through and be able to reel him in fairly quickly.

Logan, too, might notice there is a weakness in the wall. But he won't tell anybody. He'll wait until nobody is watching, test out the wall, and when the time is right, he'll exploit that weakness for all it's worth.

What I'm saying is that, of the three, Logan is the only one that pre-meditates things he knows would be wrong. And that scares me.

-o-

Jonah, while toweling off after his bath: You guys should wash this towel soon.

Me: Okay. Any particular reason?

Jonah: Part of it fell in the toilet.

-o-

I sooo want to get Logan's knock knock jokes, but I can't make out who's there.

-o-

You know, the kitchen garbage can actually looked nicer after Logan decorated it with every marker he could get his hands on. I'd have left it if I wasn't so sure Logan would've interpreted that as an invitation to embark on more transformative pieces whenever he was left to his own devices. In other news, I now remember why I stopped sleeping in a couple of years ago.

-o-

Jonah, sitting down for reheated seconds: Hey! Who already ate off this plate?!?

Kiren: You did.

Jonah: oh.

-o-

I'll admit, I'm a little weirded out. Apparently Jonah was visited last night by both the tooth fairy and the change fairy, because the money I put under his pillow last night was not the same as the money he found this morning, and Kiren swears she didn't touch it.

-o-

So I tried explaining to Jonah that the likely result of his decision was that I would be unable to buy ice cream for the house until the summer for lack of storage space, but no, no, that's how many gallons of snow he wanted to store in the freezer.

-o-

Jonah: Can I go to a party this Sunday? It starts at four o'clock and I'll leave between ten and twelve.

-o-

Jonah: Can kids write songs?

Me: Sure. Why not?

Jonah: Yeah, but can they record the songs?

Me: Sure. Did you want to record a song, Jonah?

Jonah: Yeah.

-o-

### **Chapter 11: Logan 2** , Jonah 7, Aaron 4

-o-

Jonah: Have you started saving for my summer camp yet?

Me: Nope.

Jonah: Why not?

Me: Jonah, we just went to the open house on Saturday.

Jonah: But you've been working all week.

-o-

Aaron: I want a selling stand so I can sell all my toys.

Jonah: Aaron, do you want to be part of my lemonade stand? I already have a couple of other people that are going to be working there.

-o-

In my experience, nothing thickens eyelashes like Nutella.

-o-

Aaron: Is my hat still wet?

Me: Yeah, it still is, kiddo. It's not very warm, so it's going to take a while for your hat to dry.

Aaron: Can you say more words about wetness?

-o-

Aaron: Can my friends come and help?

Me: Whiiich friiiends?

Aaron: My friends all over India!

-o-

Aww... Jonah has a "secret sweethart". Who signed her name to the note she personally handed Jonah.

-o-

Aaron: Did you just throw something?

Me: Yes. Dirty clothes towards the hamper.

Aaron: Because when I throw something, I get a time out.

-o-

(on our way to "Top Gun: An IMAX 3D Experience")

Jonah: What's the movie about?

Kiren: It's about two men who fly military planes, and one of them meets a girl.

Me: You're such a girl. It's about guys who fly fighter jets.

Jonah: What happens to the other guy?

Me: Oh, well, he's like a navigator or something....

Jonah: No, when the first guy meets a girl, what happens to the other guy?

Kiren: He already has a wife and kids.

Jonah: And that's it? That's the end?

Kiren: I don't think we're doing the movie justice.

-o-

Kiren: What did you like about the movie?

Jonah: The karaoke. And the cheering at the end.

-o-

How I spent my first anniversary.

It's pretty well known that I'm a night owl. And honestly, I probably hold Kiren back from partying all night long. If not for me wanting to go home and go to bed, she'd probably stick around for a lot more of her family's all-night parties that end in breakfast being served right before everybody collapses. Which made it all the more surprising that, for our first anniversary, Kiren scheduled an activity that required us to get up at 4:30 in the morning. But we made it to our shuttle on time. And we had a beautiful dawn hot air balloon ride, just the two of us and a couple of other couples and the hot air balloon operator.

Kiren had actually booked us for a package deal. Hot air ballooning and river rafting. You may not think those activities complement each other particularly well. As near as I can tell, neither did anybody else in Australia (oh, for our first anniversary we honeymooned in Australia). The balloon riding shuttle was full to capacity. And when the shuttle driver stopped at what appeared to be a random spot in a desert that had a 10 yard concrete divider, presumably to keep tumbleweeds from suffering head-on collisions, we were the only two he told to get off. "The bus to your connecting ride should be here in about an hour." "Wait, connec-" was what I presume was the last thing the hot air balloon shuttle bus driver heard from us as he pulled away.

Luckily, we were literally still in our honeymoon phase, so we could spend the next hour joking about how easily we could be disappeared off the face of the Earth at that particular time and place. And then the bus arrived. And gave us a long, uneventful ride to a more wooded area. Where we were directed to get out and wait for a car from the river rafting folks to pick us up. And Kiren and I spent the next half hour trying to figure out who even went to the trouble of coordinating this package deal, and why?

The next car was the last car, and once we were chauffeured to the river rafting folks, we had a blast. And the trip back to the hotel was a lot more direct. So that was Kiren's plan.

Now, it's not like I could plan nothing for our first anniversary, but Kiren's plans had taken up a good chunk of our day. But, hey, I could squeeze in dinner plans there. Now what would be romantic? I know, a sunset dinner cruise! And it was. We spent three hours that evening gazing dreamily and yawning into each other's faces.

-o-

Aaron: Look what I found for my collection!

Jonah: What is it?

Aaron: I don't know.

Me: It's garbage.

Aaron: I'm starting a garbage collection!

-o-

Huh.... Apparently whenever Jonah yells at us while stomping up the stairs and slams his bedroom door while screaming about how he never gets his way, he spends his cooling off period reading. I'm trying to stop trying to figure out the minimum amount of emotional trauma necessary to trigger a reading tantrum, but I can't.

-o-

Seeing as how Logan is now two, I'm thinking I can go ahead and cross "Assemble crib" off my to-do list. Of course, now I have to add "Take crib components back down to basement", so it's not like the list is actually getting any shorter.

-o-

Aaron, sans context: Butterflies don't like blood.

Aaron, with context: Bye Meenu! Butterflies don't like blood. I'm teeter-tottering like a giraffe!

-o-

Okay, so the written instructions and half dozen arrow signs on the top floor forming a trail to where Jonah was sleeping were totally understandable, considering I had forgotten that Jonah had left a package for the tooth fairy's pick-up the night before, but who asks the tooth fairy to "draw a picture of the leader or leaders"? The tooth fairy ain't got time to be making sketches at every stop.

(Kiren saw things differently and completed the requested drawing at about 2am.)

-o-

So we received an ad in the mail with Aaron's picture in it....

-o-

Surprisingly, to me at least, the most permanently marring thing to touch our upholstery has turned out to be dry erase marker ink. On the upside, it comes right off the television screen with the appropriate eraser.

-o-

"Ni! Ni! Ni!" - Logan asking for a knife from the butcher block.

-o-

Jonah: Can I go to a pool party in New York City?

-o-

Do you think DYFS will believe me when I explain that, despite enjoying and employing his newly found door locking skill at every opportunity, Logan still hasn't figured out how to unlock doors? And that I still haven't figured out how to unlock a bedroom door from the outside using those little brass toothpicks?

-o-

Logan: Tramp! Tramp! Tramp!

Me: I really wish you'd call that movie "Lady". That's Laaady.

Logan: No! Tramp!

-o-

Aaron pulled his first all-nighter. Yay.

-o-

Aaron: Can we do Halloween again?

-o-

For this year's leprechaun trap, Jonah made leprechaun-sized furniture, presumably so that the leprechauns are comfortable while enjoying their bait.

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, what did the chicken say to get to the other slide?

Me: I give up. What?

Aaron: AHHHH!!! I HOPE I DON'T DIE!!!... I made that up!

[Ed. note – He really said "slide".]

-o-

Well that didn't work. I made a big show of throwing away a toy after Aaron hurled it across the room and told him that any toy he threw would be thrown in the trash immediately. Aaron has spent part of the morning stuffing toys in a garbage bag. Some of them are even his.

-o-

[Full disclosure: the following transcripts were edited for brevity]

Jonah's bus driver, waving me over Jonah had to leave some bags at school.

Me: Um, okay.

JBD: I called the district office, and they said that I couldn't allow the bags on the bus.

Me: Um, what was in the bags?

JBD: Milk cartons.

Me: Oh, right, he showed me a flyer about a milk carton collecting contest the other day. Where'd you even get a bag of milk cartons, Jonah?

Jonah: I asked the lunch lady for them.

Me: And... how many... did she give you?

Jonah: Sixty two. [The school counselor] said he'd hold them for me.

Me: How'd the school counselor get involved?

Jonah: [My bus driver] called him.

(a drive to school later....)

(in the main office)

[School counselor]: I gave them to [Jonah's teacher].

[Principal]: She probably already left. Let me get my keys.

(at Jonah's classroom)

[Teacher]: I haven't seen [counselor] all day.

Me: What's this even about?

[Teacher]: A Landmark education contest.

[Principal]: They're building a Great Wall of China out of milk cartons.

Jonah: Actually, I'm skipping this year's contest and I started collecting for next year's contest.

Me: Wait, what?

[Counselor, Principal, Teacher]: There they are! (outside the front of the school, steps from where I parked)

-o-

Two firsts for me today. First time I installed a new toilet seat. And first time one of the kids projectile vomited all over the bathroom walls and toilet. Yes, I listed those in the correct chronological order.

-o-

Kiren: We signed the three of you up for day care next week.

Jonah: Why?

Me: Spring break.

Jonah: Can't I go to Mercer County College?

-o-

I think for next year's Easter egg hunt I'm just going to fill all the plastic eggs with whatever Lucky Charms are left over from baiting the leprechaun traps and throw in a few ostrich-sized eggs with milk cartons inside.

-o-

Logan: I'm okay! *THUMP* I'm okay!

-o-

Wow, blood really comes off of a Pillow Pet! Any of the components of a Calvin Klein bed set, not so much.

In related news, I learned a new parenting lesson today. When a kid sneezes on you in the dark, make sure it's just snot.

-o-

You know, you'd think by now I'd be used to how emotionally draining spending the day putting baby clothes into storage can be.

-o-

Me: Yes! I got the new doorbell working!

Jonah, looking at the old doorbell: Why didn't you just switch the wires from the front bell to the rear bell?

Me: ...

-o-

Jonah: Can we go to the mint?

Me: Why?

Jonah: Because I want to find out why they stopped making two dollar bills. If the machine is broken, I want to fix it.

-o-

"It's like a real village, so we're going to go door-to-door to find a senior citizen."

\- Jonah, explaining an upcoming field trip. Poorly, I hope.

-o-

Holiday Village Clubhouse Manager: Are you supposed to be here?

Me: I think so. I'm volunteering for the elementary school field trip to Holiday Village.

HVCM: Well, you'll have to go board that bus in that parking lot over there.

Me: Really? I was told that I was supposed to meet two bus loads of second graders here.

HVCM: Everybody is boarding that bus. That's the only activity we have for the seniors today.

Me: And if I get on that bus, that will take me to the second graders?

HVCM: No, that bus is going to a casino.

Me: Okay... I'm pretty sure that we're not sending you two bus loads of second graders for a trip to a casino.

HVCM: Well, you might want the Holiday Village Clubhouse.

Me: Yess... That is what I want. And where... am I?

Holiday Village East Clubhouse Manager: The Holiday Village East Clubhouse. To get to the Holiday Village Clubhouse, you'll have to turn right at that stop sign, follow that road across the street, and then you'll see the Holiday Village Clubhouse.

(Half an hour later, a school bus driver unloaded her cargo of second graders and was pulling out when she noticed a teacher's aide chasing down the bus because, as it turned out, they were at the wrong clubhouse.)

-o-

No, Jonah, we are not going to homeschool you just because recess isn't as fun as you think it should be.

-o-

I brought Jonah to the office with me for Take Your Child to Work Day. Lesson of the Day #1: Make sure you pack everything you need for the office, or you're just going to have to go back home.

-o-

It turns out that Jonah is perfectly capable of walking through a library's used book fair without making a single purchase. I, on the other hand, am apparently unable to walk past a collection of fifty-cent cookbooks without exhausting the maximum load carrying capacity of a seven-year-old.

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, if it gets warm tomorrow, can I throw you an anniversary party? Well, and Amme too.

-o-

Aaron: Can you give me a headache?

Me: Umm... Why would you want a headache?

Aaron: They were just talking about them on TV!

Me: Do... you mean a head start?

Aaron: Yeah! I want a head start!

-o-

Aaron: You can put one upside down, like a headache in a pie!

-o-

Some days, Special Agent Oso's incompetence just angers me.

-o-

No, ma'am. The sangria we are serving to some sixty second-graders and their parents in the school cafeteria during school hours does not have wine in it. As awesome as that would be. Thank you for your concern.

-o-

Aaron: I'm freezing like a mountain in a goat snapper!

-o-

No, Aaron, I can't take the training wheels off of your tricycle. That would make it a unicycle. With a tow package.

-o-

Me: What's your favorite movie, Jonah?

Jonah: "The Sword in the Stone".

Me: Really?

Jonah: I like that the boy becomes a king.

-o-

Kiren: The homeowner's association already cuts everybody's grass around here.

Jonah: Can't I get clients that don't live around here?

Kiren: Sure, but who's going to drive?

Logan: MEEEEEE!!!

-o-

Huh... Jonah woke up earlier than he needed to for school this morning and decided to use some of the extra time to draw a small Mexican flag on his face with bath crayons.

-o-

Jonah's friend: I'm not allowed to read those kinds of books.

Jonah: It's a cookbook.

Jonah's friend: Oh. Those I can read.

-o-

Jonah, after drumming on a recliner: Did that sound kind of funky?

-o-

Aaron: Where are we going today?

Me: I'm not sure. I think we have a party to go to tonight.

Aaron: Is it mine?

Me: No, kiddo. It's not your birthday party.

-o-

Aaron: I know the story of a woman.

Me: Do you now?

Aaron: Mmm hmm. Or a duck.

-o-

Logan: WAAAHHH!!!

Jonah: I told you, he wants Amme.

Me: Well, there's nothing I can do about that right now.

Jonah: Yeah, there is. You can dress up like Amme.

Me: That's not gonna happen.

-o-

Jonah: Are you trying to beatbox?

Aaron: Yeah, I'm trying to beatbox!

Jonah: This is how you do it.

-o-

Jonah: So, eat first and then fertilizer?

-o-

Of course I found a receipt for Home Depot in Jonah's laundry.

And it wasn't even for things I needed done around our house.

-o-

Jonah: I want to build something. I need Velcro, a container tennis balls come in, and a tennis racket.

-o-

No, that can't be right. Jonah and Aaron could not have possibly thought that dodge watermelon was something they could play ever, much less in the family room.

I really need to slice up that watermelon before it explodes like that cantaloupe did.

-o-

Since Aaron is a December baby and is missing the cutoff to enter kindergarten this year, I've started trying to give him some schooling at home two days a week. Aaron's comments thus far:

Day 1: What are we doing next?

Day 2: I don't want to do that.

Day 3: Is it school today?

Day 4: Is it school today?

Day 7: Can we cancel school tomorrow and go bowling?

-o-

Aaron: I wanna be Angry Birds seaweed.

-o-

So I arrive at Jonah's school to talk to his class about being lawyer, and there are classes lining up to tour a fire engine.

On the upside, the kids got really spirited about the tomato debate.

-o-

Wedding photographer: Can I take a picture of you?

Aaron: Sure!

Jonah: Do you want our little brother too?

Wedding photographer: There's a third one of you? Is he dressed the same? Let's go find him!

-o-

Kiren: Are you guys hungry?

Jonah: Yes!

Logan: Eat!

Aaron: Can I eat a cloud?

-o-

Aaron: I farted on the chair.

Me: I wish you wouldn't do that.

Aaron: I'm a human. Humans are supposed to fart.

-o-

I had to add a new house rule today.

"Don't bring dead rats inside the house."

-o-

Jonah has informed us that he wants to learn the cello during school and the dhol outside of school.

-o-

(after waiting at the Domino's counter ten minutes for our carry-out)

Aaron: So, the white people deliver the pizza and the black people make it?

-o-

On-Demand yoga instructor: What kind of flower do you smell like?

Aaron: Nutella and peanut butter.

-o-

Aaron: Where did the bed go?

Me: We gave it to Meenu for her new house.

Aaron: Where am I going to sleep when I'm not listening?

-o-

Me: Aaron, brush your teeth.

Aaron: I'm going to brush my teeth at Nani's house.

Me: No, you're going to brush them here.

Aaron: Can I use my Tigger toothbrush?

Me: Yeah, sure.

Aaron: I left my Tigger toothbrush at Nani's house.

-o-

(at the NJ Renaissance Faire)

Jonah: Don't mermaids have to be in the water?

Me: She'll be okay.

-o-

Aaron's first words to me after finally getting out of a twice-extended time out:

"You're the best daddy ever!"

-o-

Aaron, from the bathroom: Daddyyy! Something's happening!

Me: Yeah? Like what?

Aaron: I think I'm becoming the red ninja turtle.

-o-

Me: What did you do at camp today, Jonah?

Jonah: Talked. Got hit in the face. Fell.

Me: Did you have fun?

Jonah: Not really.

Me: Are you excited to go back?

Jonah: Uh huh.

-o-

(in the master bedroom)

Me: Logan, meet me in the baby's room, please.

Logan: We're here.

-o-

(playing an anatomy computer game... at the library)

Aaron: Jonah! I want to do his penis!

Jonah! I want to do his penis!

Jonah! I want to do his penis!

Jonah! I want to do his penis!

-o-

Logan: NO! I only share with boys! That not boy!

-o-

Jonah: Tomorrow, after I change, can you come back upstairs and write "last day of school" on my forehead?

-o-

Logan, waddling down the aisle with a warehouse club bulk pack: I want eat this!

I want eat this!

I want eat this!

Me: That's soap.

-o-

I snagged my first foul ball ever! Granted, it was at a Camden Riversharks game, and the 7-year-old I beat out for it has been asking to hold it ever since, but it was still pretty cool.

-o-

(in a Camden Riversharks bathroom)

Jonah: Daddy, do you remember the last few lines of the Hanukkah song?

-o-

Aaron: I don't want to go home! I want to go to the jewelry store!

-o-

Jonah: Do we have any duct tape?

Me: Actually, no. Why?

Jonah: I want to play Temple Run.

-o-

### **Chapter 12: Jonah 8** , Aaron 4, Logan 2

-o-

I know I should probably stop Logan from running to the kitchen table for a Ruffles chip during every transition between yoga poses, but, eh, it keeps him occupied, and he's still doing every pose.

-o-

So I spot a cop right outside my window walking the path from my front door to my driveway, and my first three thoughts are: 1) I wonder how long he's been listening to me... review the rules of the house with the young'uns at a volume that would hold their attention; 2) I don't even remember where exactly Logan got that quarter-sized bruise on his face - I mean, I'm sure it was furniture related, but...; and 3) since there was no blood, I didn't even bother patching Aaron up yesterday when he tested the immobility of a wall by running full speed into it (turns out the wall was pretty immobile). Fortunately, by the time I got outside the cop had already hopped backed into his cruiser and pulled a few doors down.

-o-

Aaron: It's a secret, so don't tell Logan, or Jonah, or Mom. But Amme can keep a secret, so you can tell her. And Logan can keep a secret, so you can tell him. And Jonah can keep a secret, so you can tell him. So you can tell anybody in our family. But don't tell anybody else that...... Daddy, do you remember my secret?

-o-

By the time we finished the round of ice cream and the round of s'mores, we were out of time for the birthday cake. Ah well, we'll try again tomorrow. The kid's birthday isn't until next week anyway.

-o-

Aaron, pointing heavenward at a 4th of July fireworks spectacular: Amme! It's a butt!

-o-

So I come downstairs Saturday morning to Jonah watching a Zumba Fitness infomercial....

Jonah: Daddy, you should be doing this.

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, can I have my suitcase? I want to pack all my favorite books so I can spend a thousand days in San Diego.

-o-

Jonah (after a karate class in which they used water balloons for strike targets, a water gun battle in the rain, a snow ball fight, and an M&M ice cream sandwich): Daddy, I think this is going to be my best summer ever.

Me (in my head): (YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!)

-o-

Jonah: What does "Y-M-C-A" spell?

Kiren: It stands for Young Men's Christian Association.

Jonah: Is Christian famous?

-o-

Elapsed time between purchasing Skylanders Giants and our first extended search for a missing Skylander: a little less than 52 hours.

-o-

Aaron: I had a good dream. I was at Nani's house with the Care Bears.

-o-

The question of the day at Aaron's daycare: Why do we need so much sleep?

Aaron's response: If you don't sleep a lot, our parents cannot do their laundry.

-o-

Oh man... Jonah beat me at a racing game I wasn't throwing.

-o-

Aaron: That's why they call me the smartest baby in town!

-o-

The good news is I finally found a burger the boys like enough to finish in one sitting. The bad news is that the source is "these Egyptian brothers that come by the masjid once a year, cook a bunch of food, and then leave."

-o-

Logan: I got Jet-Vac!!! And this other guy!!!

-o-

Me: Oh, look, we have Buzz Lightyear underwear.

Aaron: Yes!!! That's even more funner than an eye that hurts!

-o-

Jonah: Do you always plan that far in advance?

Me: Amme tries to. I'm usually just trying to hang on for another day.

Jonah: Why? You know you're always going to make it one more day.

Me: Thanks, Jonah. I'm going to try to remember that.

-o-

Why I try to let Jonah do as much of the speaking as possible when we're visiting an ER.

Almost immediately after walking for the first time, Jonah broke his leg. In a nearly impossible way. At least, that's what they explained to us as they interviewed us regarding Jonah's safety in our home.

The trip after that was for an accident at Chuck E. Cheese where Jonah bit through his lip. That interview took a little longer.

Jonah's next trip to the ER was for a bump to the head, followed by extreme amounts of vomit. That interview was conducted twice by two different folks.

The next time we took Jonah to the ER, they asked him if he felt safe at home. So now, to speed things along, I just let him describe the injury in his own words to the triage nurse so they can see right from the bat that we're not coaching him on his responses. It gets us past the interview faster.

-o-

Jonah has already elected to go with Kiren for the next "Take Your Child To Work Day". Because his favorite chef took a job at Kiren's cafeteria, and he wants one more of her meals.

-o-

Aaron shared a new joke with me this morning –

"What happens when you accidentally poop on your Skylanders underwear?

They have to go in the toilet!"

I'll admit, I don't get it, but he was really proud of making the joke up.

-o-

So Logan brought Kiren a toy to open and after being unimpressed with Kiren's first attempt he grabbed the toy, walked around me, and asked Jonah if he could open it. I'm not sure what to make of that.

-o-

While asleep, Logan asked for food so Kiren gave him a pretzel and then watched him chew, swallow, and fall back asleep. He never opened his eyes while eating.

-o-

We finally found something that motivates Jonah to jump out of bed, get dressed in a flash, and rush through breakfast. 65 episodes of "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" on Netflix.

-o-

Jonah got us an anniversary gift with his skee ball tickets. Sniff.

-o-

We only found time for one snowball fight this summer. Now I'm trying to think of autumn uses for all the snow stored in my freezer.

-o-

Jonah: Somehow the days in California went faster.

-o-

In retrospect, I should have just answered "Why, yes, it is a garage sale! Thank you for coming!"

-o-

Kiren, from upstairs: Rico, can you [do something smartphone related]?

Me: Sure. (interrupting Logan's game to take the phone from him and hand it to Jonah) Jonah, can you [reasonable approximation of what Kiren said]?

Jonah: Sure. You just press here, and swipe this, and....

-o-

Pharmacist: Birth date?

Kiren: [redacted].

Jonah: [redacted]? That's like a million years old!

Me, through gritted teeth: No. It's not a million years old.

Kiren: Haha! You're a million years old! And I'm still younger than you by six months.

-o-

Jonah, laying his version of a verbal smackdown on Aaron: HA! I'm a scientist!

-o-

Aaron: I'm going to write [x] a letter!

Me: Aw, that's sweet. What's your letter going to say?

Aaron: I'm going to draw a big heart! Because she has boobies!

Me: ...... Do you mean... boo-boos?

Aaron: Yeah! She got a scratch!

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, can we move to New York City tomorrow?

Me: No, kiddo, sorry, we're not moving to New York City tomorrow.

Aaron: No, I mean after karate. And I don't mean the one in Philadelphia. I mean the real New York City.

-o-

Aww... I love that Jonah offered to play the cello for me while I had dinner. And if we hadn't been having the conversation at 12:45am, I totally would have let him.

-o-

Logan: This mine?

Me: No, that's Aaron's.

Logan: This mine!

Me: No, that candy is Aaron's. Yours is on the stove. Trust me, I know which one is which.

Logan: Einsteins!

Me: Little Einsteins?

Logan: Yesh.

Me: I have no idea what Little Einsteins has to do with this conversation.

-o-

Oh man... Aaron knows how to use the Keurig. At least he's sticking with the hot chocolate K-cups.

-o-

I accidentally woke up Logan in the middle of the night. By taking Aaron's feet off of Logan's face. I have no idea how they manage to sleep on top of each other.

-o-

We finally found out why Jonah was coughing all through his black belt test. The poor kid had pneumonia.

-o-

(after watching a documentary)

Kiren: What's the most interesting thing you learned?

Jonah: The Ice Age was real.

-o-

Aaron: I know where we can go!

Kiren: Where?

Aaron: Waait foor iit...... CHUCK E. CHEESE!!!

-o-

It was so adorable listening to Logan try to soothe Aaron that I didn't have the heart to tell Logan his amme actually wasn't at home waiting for them.

-o-

The good news is Kiren found a great winter coat for Jonah that was half off. The bad news is we had to buy two of them because, yes, Jonah lost his new winter coat the first day he took it to school.

-o-

Does it count as date night if it's a school fundraiser?

-o-

Aaron: Logan, when you turn three, you'll be a big boy.

Logan: YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!

Kiren: But who will be the baby?

Jonah: You'll have to have another baby! Hee hee!

Logan: Another baby!! Hee hee!! Another baby!! Hee hee!!

-o-

Me: Did you volunteer to take the apple sauce and cranberry sauce (to your class Thanksgiving party) or was it assigned?

Jonah: I volunteered. We all had to volunteer for something.

Me: So what made you pick the apple sauce and cranberry sauce?

Jonah: I went last and that was all that was left.

-o-

It's hard to maintain a rage against your kid for dropping some cheese and sour cream on his karate clothes after a glob of guacamole has rolled a green trail down your shirt.

-o-

Yesterday I put on a TV show for Aaron and Logan to distract them while Kiren helped Jonah finish his homework. Aaron turned off the light, and then Aaron and Logan climbed on to me to watch the show. That's the last thing I remember before this morning.

-o-

Kiren: What are we doing during the glass fusing class?

Me: I'm going to a glass fusing class?

Kiren: No, just Jonah and Aaron. We're dropping them off. What are we doing during the class?

Me: We're taking Aaron to a room full of glass? And leaving him there?

Kiren: I double checked. That's what they said.

-o-

Me: Jonah, we're really proud of your report card, so we want to take you out to lunch. Anywhere you want to go. Do you want to go to Golden Corral, or Friendly's, or Prospector's, or Cracker Barrel, or

Jonah: I'm reeeallly hungry. Can we go to Saladworks?

-o-

Yeah... Aaron was about due for another search of a facility by the venue staff.

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, do you make good s'mores or bad s'mores? Because I only eat the yummy ones.

-o-

Logan: I need bowl.

Me: How's this one?

Logan: Is it clean?

Me: Yes, it's clean.

Logan: Did you wash it?

Me: Yes, I washed it.

Logan: Okay.

-o-

I was really hoping that Jonah's cello lessons would enable him to teach me how to play guitar. I might have to wait until he's had five lessons.

-o-

It's probably not a good thing that the principal of Jonah's school uses the phrase "Jonah time", is it?

-o-

Note to self: Make sure Jonah volunteers earlier next year, and for something his amme can't possibly decide to make from scratch after she starts reading nutritional labels in the grocery store.

-o-

My pies went untouched during Jonah's class' Thanksgiving feast. Like a pie with a lattice top tastes soooo much better than a pie that looks like a cat hacked out a crust over a pile of produce.

-o-

Jonah's classmate: Mr. Rodriguez, are you coming back to talk to our class again?

Me: Well, maybe if somebody invites me.

Jonah: (wanders off for a bit... wanders back) [The teacher] will e-mail you about Law Day.

-o-

Today's show & share theme was "Begins with S or L". Aaron took a laptop.

-o-

Kiren: Aaron, I'm going to the grocery store. Do you want to come?

Logan: No one do! You go alone!

-o-

### **Chapter 13: Aaron 5** , Logan 2, Jonah 8

-o-

(as a "Frozen" number comes to its thunderous conclusion)

Aaron:......What just happened?

-o-

Aaron, singing along with the music playing in the mall: Happy Khala!... Happy Khala!

Me: Holidays, Aaron.

-o-

I got back from Pittsburgh at 1:45am. Aaron did not rest... his mouth... the entire... way. I'm letting Jonah sleep in an extra half hour and driving him to school because that's all I can offer him after he sat next to Aaron for the drive. In Logan news, he started showing signs of Skylanders withdrawal at Day Three.

-o-

What child development stage is trash talking? 'cause Logan is laying in to me.

-o-

Me: Jonah, I have to fix the toilet in the downstairs bathroom, so please use the Nemo bathroom for now.

Jonah: Is it clogged?

Me: No, the flusher is broken. Turning the handle doesn't do anything.

Jonah: I can fix that. Did the chain come off?

Me: No. The plastic arm that raises the chain broke.

Jonah: We'll have to replace everything. Then we'll have quick flush and full flush.

-o-

Me: Jonah, I suggest putting away your holiday shopping before your brothers get home.

Jonah: Is it okay if I hide it in the basement?

Me: Sure.

Jonah: Because nobody could ever find anything in the basement.

-o-

Jonah: Daddy, can you cut my grilled cheese sandwich for me?

Me: You know what? Today you can cut it yourself. You can use one of the sharp knives if you're reeeally careful.

Jonah: I handle those all the time when I'm unloading the dishwasher.

Me: .... (hands Jonah the knife)

-o-

Jonah and Aaron cleared a space for the Christmas tree in the living room (assuming the diameter of the tree is equal to or less than the width of Jonah's outstretched arms), so I guess it's time to set up the Christmas tree.

-o-

Huh... All three boys were able to work together to assemble the Christmas tree on their own and all I had to do was break up a few tree branch fights.

-o-

Man, Logan has zero snowball range. On the other hand, he was able to peg me up to four times with the same snowball before he had to ask me to make him another one.

-o-

Jonah: Can one of the workbook pages you want me to do be a science experiment?

Me: Sure.

Jonah, flipping through experiments: Can we go to the ocean?

Me: Not today.

Jonah: I need salt water.

Me: We are not going to the ocean today, Jonah.

Jonah: Oh, wait, they have directions for making it right here.

-o-

Secretary: I'm really old, older than your daddy. How old do you think I am?

Jonah: Uhhh... 64?

Secretary: That's right on the money.

-o-

Jonah: We should drive the Malibu on Halloween.

Me: Why?

Jonah: Because it's a Mali-BOO! Heeheeheeheeheeheehee.

(later that same day)

Jonah: We should let Nana drive the Malibu.

Me: Why?... Oh....

Jonah: Because then it would be a Mal-Abbu! Two jokes in one day! Yes!

-o-

I can't believe we lost Aaron inside the house.

-o-

So I'm trying to puzzle out the toy flute line for Depeche Mode's "Everything Counts" (never having learned to read music, or, you know, play an instrument), and I glance over and Logan is covering both of his ears with his hands.

-o-

Me: No, Jonah, karaoke doesn't count toward your reading log.

(Ok, in the end I let him count one minute per song sung.)

-o-

Apparently Logan dreamed about eating a large marshmallow.

In related news, is anybody in the market for a custom-molded Tempur-Pedic pillow?

-o-

Today's victory - Aaron really liked the new toilet handle I installed. Without Jonah's help, I might add, thankyouverymuch. I mean, it's not like we really needed a second flush.

-o-

Our Christmas tree is just about done. All that's left is for Jonah to finish installing his alarm.

-o-

"Are you kidding? We're at Chuck E. Cheese!" \- Each person that spotted Logan playing games on Kiren's phone

-o-

Me, trying to prod Jonah along his school morning routine: Why are you putting your shirt on your foot?

Jonah: ... oh....

-o-

Leaving aside how sad it was, a Chuck E. Cheese veggie platter with a side of Moe's guacamole was probably the healthiest dinner I've given the kids in weeks.

-o-

I made a startling discovery at Aaron's preschool today. Aaron is one of the quietest kids in his class.

I know, right? I couldn't believe it either. And all this time I thought his teachers were sugar coating his daily reports.

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, will you blow this up for me?

Me: Sure, as soon as I finish changing your brother's diaper.

Aaron: I'll clean it off for you. My spit's on it.

Me: Thank you, Aaron. That's very kind.

Aaron: That's what five-year-olds do. We clean up messes other people can't get to.

-o-

Today, at Jonah's holiday party, he asked the teacher if he could whip out his cello and play for the class. And then two of his classmates jumped in with their violins and the three gave quite a performance of "Hot Cross Buns". After finding that the three of them could not, in fact, pull off an impromptu group performance of "Jingle Bells".

-o-

Aaron is wrapping his old toys to give to Logan for Christmas. Sniff.

-o-

Aaron: Who came?

Jonah: Daddy cleaned.

-o-

Ugh... sooo close to getting a snow-free freezer, but Aaron went all full nine yards with his snow and ran out of ammo long before Jonah did, and since Aaron didn't feel like standing around being Jonah's target practice, Jonah put what was left of his snow back in the freezer.

-o-

(while taking a driving tour of local Christmas lights and Nativity scenes)

Jonah: Why do they keep showing poor people?

-o-

Does anybody know of any dedicated devices that just show Rainbow Loom tutorials? I miss my laptop.

-o-

10 steps away from Santa, Logan ran back because he thought that Santa had forgotten to give him the gift he just asked for. We had to pull Logan aside and explain the whole Santa business to him.

-o-

Quick poll – "Aaron got his black eye walking into a spoon while helping to prepare a roast for Christmas Eve."

Ridiculous enough to have to be true or just plain ridiculous?

-o-

Aaron: We're never going to die! Because we don't want to!

-o-

Me: Aaron, that is not a chair!!!... No, wait, that is a chair... Aaron, that is not a toy!!!

-o-

Aaron: Can we see the Fresh Beat Band live? I haven't seen them in a while. I want to make sure they didn't die.

-o-

Why I sometimes don't know what to call Aaron.

Every now and then I call Aaron, "Aaron" and he tells me that's not his name. And he commits to that decision for days. Sometimes for weeks. And when he's trying on his new identity, that's how he'll introduce himself to everybody. Whether it's telling everybody at Jonah's school that his name is Snivy Rodriguez or telling the instructor at his pottery class that he's Turbo Jet Vac Rodriguez, or whatever name he wants to try on for a while.

Logan is always very supportive. If I slip up in a moment of rage and start my scolding off with "AAAROOOON!", Logan will pipe up with, "That's Snivy, Daddy!" Jonah, of course, will have none of it, and will be sure to correct all within earshot as to what Aaron's real name is.

-o-

Aaron thought he was starting kindergarten at Jonah's school today because of all of the times that we have mentioned that he'll be starting school "next year". I feel almost as bad as when I forgot I had given him a five minute timeout for over an hour during a playdate.

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, Logan's bragging again!

Me: Logan, be a good sport, even when you win. Say "good job" or "good try".

Logan: But he didn't do good job.

Me: Thensay"goodtry".

Logan: Aaron......good try.

-o-

I can't believe Logan just tried to cheat to win a board game.

-o-

Aaron: I will take lettuce, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, and popcorn chips, and put them in the blender and mix them up, and after they're blended I'll put whipped cream on top and it'll be a smoothie. Can I make it right now? If you leave me alone, I can make it.

-o-

All three boys are asleep! I'm going to be replaying this day like it was Groundhog's Day!

-o-

It's nice to know that, so long as I have recycling to put out, the boys will always have something to play with. Now if I could just steer Aaron's joy of cutting things up with scissors towards coupon clipping.

-o-

Aaron: We should get rid of the van and buy a car with a vacuum AND a TV. That would be much more fun!

-o-

Wow... even "undead" sounds cute when Logan says it.

-o-

I honestly don't know if I failed as a parent or if Logan is just messing with me, but after (at least making a big show of) pushing on the toilet for a while, he told me nothing was coming out of his belly button.

-o-

Aaron: Poop could be chocolate. Is that where chocolate comes from?

-o-

Me: Hey, Logan, how about if we do some school stuff today?

Logan: No! I don't want do that!

Me: Okay, how about if we play the 1-2-3 game, do some more of the tile cards, and do some reading?

Logan: YAY!!!

-o-

I was surprised at how few Reese's Pieces the boys were gobbling down while cleaning up the box full of Reese's Pieces I had spilled all over the kitchen floor until I realized they were just building up an appetite for the Dots I had been looking for for them when I spilled a box of Reese's Pieces all over the kitchen floor.

-o-

I can't remember if I mentioned to y'all that a while back I ripped a gash in our comforter while making our bed. I only bring it up now to help explain what I mean when I say that last night Logan vomited into our comforter.

-o-

Sorry, Logan. Throwing up food Amme fed you still counts as throwing up food. You are just not getting a hot dog tonight.

-o-

Aaron: [quite authoritatively] We're going to Friendly's.

Me: Why do you think that?

Aaron: Because Anna Khala's real birthday would be there.

Logan: We go Target.

-o-

Jonah: Are you going to have to sleep with a machine from now on?

Me: It's looking that way, kiddo.

Jonah: How are we supposed to sleep?

Me: Um, you have your own bedroom.

-o-

Well, Jonah has a commanding lead when it comes to square footage, but Logan has tagged more pieces of furniture. And I haven't decided how to weight Aaron's numbers, since he has only vomited at somebody else's house within the last seven days.

-o-

Aaron: This is going to surprise you so much that you fall to the ground and crack your head!

-o-

Aaron: You don't look good in that sweater.

Jonah: You look kinda like El Macho right now.

(The boys picking up my spirits as I fight off the stomach bug they passed on to me.)

-o-

Jonah: I don't think I can go to school today; my stomach hurts too much. Can I shovel the walkway and go sledding?

-o-

So it turns out that Kiren bought some Christmas gifts for the boys way early and I hid them so well that I hid them from both of our memories. On the upside, we've never been so on top of our birthday shopping.

-o-

Definitely a cool and appreciated gift, but now I have to keep track of whose toilet paper is whose.

-o-

Logan: *THUNK* OW! That table's glass!

-o-

I'll admit, it helps me breathe a tiny bit easier knowing that Jonah would have to break his cello twice to catch up to the most accident prone kid in his music class.

-o-

Me: Sorry, Logan, that floor is really dirty. You can't eat that.

Logan: But it's medicine! I found it!

Me: Just because you found medicine doesn't mean you get to take it. Also, that's a Smartie.

-o-

### **Chapter 14: Logan 3** , Jonah 8, Aaron 5

-o-

Aaron: I don't like to count money. I just like to pay and pay and pay.

-o-

It has been brought to my attention that Jonah has reached the age when the regular application of deodorant may be of some benefit. So I stopped by the appropriate aisle at the store but I'm having trouble deciding what the right choice for Jonah is. I'm currently deciding between Peace, Excite, Phoenix, Apollo, Essence, Anarchy, Kilo, Dark Temptation, Black Chill, Foxcrest, Bearglove, Hawkridge, Swagger, Lionpride, Wolfthorn, Pure Sport, Fiji, Matterhorn, After Hours, Champion, Aqua Reef, Arctic Force, Fresh, Classic, and Original.

-o-

Me: Please don't put your naked butt on my bed.

Aaron: What about my underwear butt?

-o-

Logan: I DON'T WANT TO GO TO GYM! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO GYM! I DON'T WANT...(... twenty minute drive...)... TO GO TO GYM! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO GYM! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO GYM! Oh, that gym? Ok.

-o-

Logan: Read this book to me?

Me: Sure, Logan. "Belle's Favorite Eggs. Ingredients. Two eggs. One half slice of ham. One tablespoon of mayonnaise...."

-o-

Jonah, after tasting a home-cooked meal I prepared for the boys: This isn't Wegman's.

Me: Is that good or bad?

Jonah: ...... Medium.

-o-

Kiren and I signed all three boys up for a Kid's Night Out on Valentine's Day so the two of us could have the whole evening to ourselves. It's the only way we're going to manage to be prepared for Logan's birthday party on Saturday.

-o-

Me: Crap! My driver's license is missing!

Jonah: The last time I saw it was in my ATM machine.

-o-

Aaron: NO! Logan can't be Minnie-rella! Minnie-rella is a girl! It has to be the same! A girl has to be Minnie-rella! And Daddy has to be Goofy!

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, can I get a driver's license?

Jonah: No, Aaron, you have to be 16. I'm halfway there.

Me: ...

-o-

Me: Yes, Jonah, after you put away your cello you can shovel the walkway.

-o-

Logan, trying to teach a 5-month-old how to play Skylanders: You can be my Camo. Press X.

-o-

That was a nice change of pace. This time it was Logan we needed employee help to round up.

-o-

I realize that for most people, having a house smell like baked goods is a good thing, but for me it's just, "Crap. Now I have to check all the air vents for baked goods."

-o-

Jonah, coming over with a book: What's the definition of "atteening"?

Me: What's the definition of what?

Jonah: Atteening.

Me: How do you spell it?

Jonah, looking down at his book: A-T-T-A-I-N-I-N-G

Me: Oh, "attaining".

Jonah: Yeah. What's its definition?

Me: You are literally holding a dictionary.

-o-

(Parenting fantasy I spent half an hour on this morning)

Therapist: Let's start with you telling me about one of the most traumatic things your parents ever did to you.

Aaron: Well, once, I was in the upstairs bathroom with my father, and he wanted me to brush my teeth there, but I wanted to brush my teeth in the downstairs bathroom, and even though I screamed "I wanna brush my teeth in the downstairs bathroom!" over and over for half an hour straight, my father wouldn't let me downstairs until I had brushed my teeth.

Therapist: ... Get out.

-o-

Logan, as Kiren served him lunch from a pot of mac & cheese I made for him two hours before: YAY! Amme made mac & cheese!

Kiren: What did Daddy make for you?

Logan: Mac & cheese I don't like!

-o-

EXT. RESIDENTIAL FRONT STOOP - DAY

AARON and LOGAN are sitting side by side on a step, soaking up the sun while waiting for KIREN to take them to Wegman's.

RICO (O.S)

Aww, see? Now if they could just

(AARON swings an elbow at LOGAN and knocks LOGAN aside)

RICO (CONT'D)

Never mind.

-o-

Aaron, during this (winter) morning's drive: It's a beach day!

-o-

Logan: Amme! Amme! Amme! Amme! What's the "aw man"?

-o-

Jonah: Do I have to be a certain age to get a phone?

Me: (1...2...3...) Why do you need a phone, Jonah?

Jonah: So nobody bothers me when I'm playing a game on the phone.

Me: (4...5..6...)

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, have you seen Spyro?

Me: No, kiddo. This is why I keep telling you guys to keep all the Skylanders in the chair.

Aaron: I did put it in the chair! Maybe Ghost Pete's son took it.

Me: What?

Aaron: Maybe Ghost Pete's kid has "Skylanders".

-o-

Logan: What was that?

Me: That was us hitting a pothole so hard that the spoon flew out of Amme's bowl.

Logan: Again?

-o-

Kiren, asking Jonah about the short list of famous women he had compiled for his Women's History Month project: Who is Madonna?

Aaron: I know! She's on "Phineas & Ferb"!

Kiren: No, that's Lindana.

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, what's eight and eight?

Me: Sixteen.

Aaron: No! Tell me really!

Me: It's really sixteen.

Aaron: Awesome! If I had eight and eight I would have sixteen! And I would be ahead of everybody! In Monopoly!

-o-

Me: Iiii know a place where I can go when I'm alone

Aaron: Daddy, where is that?

-o-

Jonah had a half day so I offered to take him anywhere for lunch, just him and me. He decided he'd rather get all of his homework done ASAP so he could invite a friend over for the rest of the afternoon. Sniff.

-o-

Logan, holding a hand up: Aaron! Aaron! Aaron! Aaron! Aaron!

Aaron: What?!?

Logan: How many fingers am I holding up?

Aaron: Five.

Logan: I KNEW IT!!!

-o-

I think we set a new record today. We lost Aaron within three minutes of entering the children's museum. And the first two minutes we were putting away our coats.

-o-

Aaron, spotting me and Logan walking in the front door: Where did Logan go?

Logan, standing an inch from Aaron's face with his arms raised in the air: I'm right here, Aaron!

-o-

A lesson in thinking gifts through.

I would have to say that the least thought out gift I have ever given in my life is signing up our family for a Glamour Shots session soon after Jonah was born. Don't get me wrong; the gorgeous shots they took of my gorgeous wife came out gorgeously. No, the miscalculation was planting the seed for photo shoots in Kiren's head.

Jonah got a new headshot portrait at Picture People every three months for that first year. And then Aaron came along, and we tried to keep up the same enthusiasm, but... there are less Picture People headshots of Aaron on our walls than of Jonah. (Incidentally, somewhere along our relationship with Picture People they actually put up our picture on their wall at the mall. I was always afraid to ask if it was some sort of customer appreciation award.) And then Logan came along. There are zero Picture People headshots of Logan on our walls.

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, I really want to marry rainbow sprinkles with Nutella.

-o-

Jonah, mid-die-rolling hot streak: I'm like Wish Bear right now!

-o-

Logan, talking trash: I'm gonna take your house, Daddy!

He loves playing as the zombies in "Plants vs. Zombies" versus mode.

-o-

Apparently I can no longer declare anything to be awesome without the boys breaking into song.

-o-

Jonah: It's a good thing my kite isn't afraid of heights.

Me: How do you know?

Jonah: It's not screaming.

-o-

Jonah on parenting: We're like video games, and they're the remotes.

-o-

So I'm at a restaurant walking Aaron from the bathroom back to our table when a gal from another table stops him and asks, "Are you Turbo Jet Vac?"

-o-

Part of me feels so bad at how bummed Jonah gets every time his leprechaun traps get triggered but fail to capture a leprechaun that I feel I should put a stop to the annual attempt. But a bigger part of me really wants to see the robot girl leprechaun that Jonah and Aaron have decided to bait next year's trap with.

-o-

I had no desire to review Jonah's draft notes for his history project before I found out he did them in invisible ink, but now....

-o-

Sure, Jonah only supplied one answer for his team in our "Trivial Pursuit-Volume II" match, but it was the game winner. That's what we get for focusing on my dad's weak subject for the final question.

-o-

On Thursday evening, Jonah got his first pair of glasses. And on Monday he forgot them at school. After a search of his classroom came up empty, he found them in his backpack.

-o-

Aaron: What's a gefilte fish?

Me: A ball of fish people eat.

Aaron: EEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!

Me: Don't you eat fish sandwiches?

Aaron: Yeah, but they don't have real fish.

Me: Yeah, they do.

Aaron: NO IT DOESN'T!!!

Me: What do you think is in your chicken nuggets?

Aaron: Chicken. But I eat chicken. I don't eat fish.

-o-

Jonah: I found a worm!

Aaron: I want to name her Sparkles!

Jonah: Aaron, it's dead.

Aaron: I don't want a dead worm for a pet.

-o-

INT. KITCHEN TABLE – MORNING

AARON and LOGAN are quietly munching on mini bagels with a cheese spread while KIREN is making coffee.

AARON

I wonder when Meenu is getting married.

KIREN

Why do you wonder that?

AARON

Because I want babies to come. I wonder if it'll be a boy or a girl. Or a robot.

-o-

So yesterday I'm waiting at Jonah's bus stop and when his bus arrives the (substitute) bus driver stops Jonah on his way out for a little chat. So I go to insert myself into the conversation to see what happened, and what happened was this: after the bus driver stopped at the wrong place earlier in the route, Jonah started feeding him the correct stops. The bus driver had stopped Jonah to say thanks and confirm where the next and final stop was.

-o-

Aaron, on his scooter: Fast as PEANUT BUTTER!!!

-o-

(in the car with all three boys)

Jonah: Daddy, how do babies get in their mommies' tummies?

Me: We'll talk about it later.

Jonah: That's okay. I'll just Google it.

Me: NOOOOOOOOoooooooo! We'll talk about it later!

Aaron: You better not whisper it! I want to know too!

-o-

Second gal Aaron has declared his girlfriend this week: I want to play with your older brother.

-o-

(at the park)

Aaron: Daddy, where did the handcuffs go?

Me: I... don't think I understand what you're asking about.

Aaron: The things police put on bad guys.

Me: Okay, I guess I do know what you're asking about. Where did you see handcuffs?

Aaron: On this bench.

-o-

Ianna, looking at Jonah's sculpture: What is it?

Jonah: Cubism.

-o-

I appreciate Jonah's self-control in finding only 6 of the 48 Easter eggs he had hidden for his brothers.

-o-

It turns out that playing Monopoly with a three-year-old who insists on being the banker does not speed up the game at all.

-o-

(during tonight's drive home)

Jonah: Why can't we get a mansion?

Aaron: When are we getting a baby sister?

Logan: How many minutes are we from Nani's house?

-o-

(freshening up for the day)

Aaron: Turn off the water. It saves polar bears.

Logan: What are they?

-o-

So Jonah is sitting at his homework table with pencil and paper scheduling out his (three-month-hence) birthday.

-o-

Logan: Daddy, can you put it on your show?

Me: Which one's my show?

Logan: The singing one. With the hand.

-o-

Logan: I want dog shoes! Hahaha!

Kiren: You're so silly!

Aaron: I don't think that's silly. That sounds awesome!

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, can we go to the Disney Store?

Me: Not right now. Why, what do you want?

Aaron: I want to get a Rapunzel doll.

Me: How about you put it on your birthday list and Christmas list?

Aaron: But then I might get two of them. My birthday is in December.

Me: Okay. So would you like to put it on your birthday list or your Christmas list?

Aaron: I'm going to put it on my Eid list.

-o-

(at the dinner table)

Logan: Knock knock!

Aaron: Who is it?

Logan: It's a grakka gribble man ucum dob yahesep yin mix dalina vaye arol kan apezete pi muy mapie an eye.

Kiren, Jonah, Aaron, and Me: ...............

Me: Come in.

-o-

So lately Jonah has been making a push to sit in the front seat and we finally decided okay, he's big enough and old enough. So I told him that if he wanted to, he could ride up front. The boy climbed into the driver's seat and asked if he could practice his driving.

-o-

Logan: Let's play versus! I'll be zombies! Don't be any of the shooting plants!

Me: Of course I'm going to pick shooting plants. That's how you beat the zombies.

Logan: But I want to win!

Me: If you want to win, you're going to have to beat me.

Logan: Let's play co-op!

-o-

Aaron: Daddy! Logan wouldn't let me hear nature!

-o-

So I'm unloading the van from our Mother's Day picnic while Logan is throwing a royal fit and I realize our house is nowhere near as soundproof as I'd been thinking it was these last eight years.

-o-

Logan: Daddy, why did you stop? It was an orange light.

-o-

Jonah may already be out-nerding me. This week Jonah has been taking the New Jersey Assessment of Skills and Knowledge (NJ ASK) test. He got really interested in one of the passages during a reading comprehension part of the test, so he jotted down the source and checked out the book from which the passage was excerpted from the library.

-o-

Jonah: What I need to do what I want to do is a dollar bill - any kind of dollar, two coke bottles - the glass ones that Amme uses, water, and a towel.

(I had to ask what he wanted to do. It's still not 100% clear to me, but I'm satisfied with the inclusion of a towel in his materials list.)

-o-

Jonah: Is there a "Frankenweenie 2"?

-o-

Aaron took five minutes to get dressed today and ten to accessorize. We're really getting our money's worth out of that Rainbow Loom.

-o-

Logan: Daddy, will you play hide and seek with me when we get home?

Me: Well, it's probably not going to be much of a game, but sure.

Logan: I'm going to hide under the bed!

-o-

(3am in the car)

Jonah: If you see a meteor, you have to make a wish.

Aaron: Do I have to blow on a meteor?

Logan: I see Mars!

Aaron: Where?

Logan: We passed it!

-o-

Logan: Home run?

Me: Foul ball. It's behind you.

-o-

I've been trying really hard to help Jonah avoid that feeling of panic at impending project deadlines by planning out a work schedule, and for the most part I think we've been pretty successful. It didn't even occur to me that he didn't know his first orchestra performance is in two days.

-o-

Aaron: I feel like I'm in "Peppa Pig".

-o-

Logan: Daddy, when will I turn 21?

Me: In 18 years.

Logan: Then can I get a license?

-o-

I know it was asking a lot to put Jonah in charge of breakfast for himself and Logan at 6:15am (I just wasn't ready to give up that last hour of sleep), but I still can't believe that it was a Friendly's balloon on a stick that led to them going ballistic at 6:45am.

-o-

Jonah: Daddy, are you sad or tired?

-o-

Kiren: Ew. You dropped food on my foot.

Jonah: Ha! Now your shoes are dirty!

Kiren: They're your shoes.

Jonah: Hey!

-o-

The only thing that stopped me from asking Jonah for help moving Kiren's suitcase was pride.

-o-

Me: Where's your underwear?

Aaron: I forgot it.

Me: Forgot it... where?

Aaron: I forgot to put it on this morning.

-o-

Jonah: When are you going to the store?

Me: After I get back from Canada.

-o-

Aaron: I'm going to name my first baby Slobbertooth.

-o-

The short version: Jonah is expecting a call from Wegman's about his favorite school snack.

The long version: To get Jonah to accept a change in his daily school snack I had to physically show him on the store shelf that, while Wegman's does indeed still carry Nabisco Grahamfuls, they no longer carry his favorite variety (peanut butter & chocolate). Naturally, he asked why they stopped carrying just his favorite, and I'm like, "Dude, I don't know, ask the store manager." So he goes to ask the store manager. After discovering that the peanut butter & chocolate variety is not currently being sold at the Mt. Laurel, Cherry Hill, or Quakerbridge Wegman's, but that the Pennsylvania stores are getting peanut butter and chocolate, the store manager wrote up a form to have whoever at the store that deals with Nabisco (because Nabisco decides on its own inventory at each store) find out why Mt. Laurel stopped getting peanut butter & chocolate. So right now Jonah is waiting for a call from Wegman's management to see if they're going to be able to get Nabisco to put his peanut butter & chocolate Grahamfuls back on the shelf.

-o-

Jonah would like to eat meat from only animals that have died of natural causes.

-o-

So I wrote a note to Jonah's head classroom parent, and I realized that it was so below the quality of Jonah's handwriting that I grabbed a new sheet of paper and tried again.

-o-

Logan: Daddy, can I have salmon fruit punch?

Me: Sure, but it's pronounced "Cinnamon Toast Crunch".

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, I want to ride a horse to school tomorrow. Can you get me one?

-o-

Aaron: I hope nobody looks good as me.

-o-

Logan: Daddy!!! You have to look at the erections!

Me: Directions, Logan.

-o-

Jonah: Can I sleep in your bed, please? Just this one time?

Me: What's this "one time" business? You got to sleep in our bed maaany times before.

Jonah: You got to sleep with Amme every night for four years before I was born!

-o-

### **Chapter 15: Jonah 9** , Aaron 5, Logan 3

-o-

Logan bailed on a trip to Wegman's with me because when I opened the front door it was too dark outside and he was worried about zombies.

-o-

Jonah: I found an editing mistake.

-o-

Aaron: Can we make Keurig popsicles?

Me: I... have no idea what that means.

Aaron: You put vanilla ice cream in a popsicle kit and make your drink on top of it.

Random Wegman's shopper: That sounds really good.

Jonah: Can we buy this pepperoni? We can slice it up and sell the slices.

Me: Everybody you know is currently fasting and doesn't eat pork anyway.

Jonah: We can sell it to the neighbors.

Me: I think you're vastly overestimating how easy it is to sell meat door-to-door.

-o-

Kiren: Do you guys want to watch "Rio"?

Aaron: Yeah! Can we watch it in 3-D?

Me: We don't have a 3-D TV, kiddo.

Aaron: Can we buy one?

-o-

Logan: NO!!! I want to pick! I want to play Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe. I'm going to choose this one. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe. Catch a...

... I choose you! See, I told you I was going to pick this one.

Me: Yes, you did. Now can we brush your teeth?

-o-

Logan, reading: R-I-C-O Daddy! Daddy, this one's yours!

-o-

Logan: Daddy, when I turn twenty-one, I'm going to break the house!

Me: Oh? You're going to be a giant?

Logan: Yeah! And I'm going to reach all the balloons that go up there! I'll be a nice giant.

Aaron: When you turn twenty-one you're going to be a parent like daddy.

Logan: Yeah! I'm going to be a parent like you!

Me: Aw, that's sweet. But it can wait a few years. It doesn't have to be right when you turn twenty-one.

-o-

Aaron: Hey! That's my blanket!

Logan: I want a blanket too!

Aaron: I have a cold!

Logan: I have a hot!

-o-

Logan plays Uno with all of his cards face up and it still took me two losses against him to realize he was using a strategy against me more complicated than "match the color/number".

-o-

Jonah: The neighbors showed me how to use their phone. I had to press one and then type all of the numbers.

-o-

Logan, playing Jenga: Did I make it haaard? Did I make it difficult?

-o-

Chinese food take-out cashier: Your boys are in karate camp, right?

Me: That's right. Do you have a kid there too?

Cashier: No.

Me: (blink)

Cashier: This is number two, right?

Me: Yess... This is our second son.

Cashier: You have three boys, right?

Me: Yesss....

Cashier: Is your third one doing the karate camp?

Me: Nooo....

-o-

Jonah: I didn't get a birthday wish this year.

Me: Sure you did. I saw you blow out the candle.

Jonah: No, I mean last year for my birthday wish you let me stay up until 12:30.

Me: Oh, ok. What would you like for your birthday wish this year?

Jonah: An iPhone 5.

Aaron: I want an iPhone 6 for my birthday. Because I'll be six.

-o-

Aaron: If a bunch of brothers kidnapped their baby brother, would that be weird?

Me: Yes! Where did that come from?

Aaron: Sometimes I come up with weird things.

-o-

I think I've come up with a way to keep the thrill of the midway going for the boys all year long. $3 to play, first player to brush all of his teeth gets to pick a small prize from the Basement O' Many Things. And then they can trade their small prizes up for things like a 25" RCA tube TV, or a crib, or an inflatable climbing pyramid.

-o-

Logan: Who are the Phillies playing against today?

Me: The Washington Nationals.

Logan: AHH!!! They drink milk! We're going to lose!

-o-

Jonah: Daddy's phone doesn't have any games because in the old times phones didn't have any games. In the old times they didn't even have DSs!

-o-

Logan: Daddy! They're doing everything I do across the street! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!! See? AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Me: I have no idea what you are saying.

Logan: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Me: No, I caught the words. I just don't understand what they mean.

Logan: The houses across the street are making the same sounds!

Me: Ohhhhh... That's your echo.

-o-

Crap. Jonah checked out a book on investing from the library. Now he knows about interest.

-o-

Me: Okay, Logan, time to go sit on the toilet.

Logan: Is it toilet day?

-o-

(Kiren sits down with her breakfast)

Logan: I want an egg!

Aaron: I want an egg!

Kiren: When I asked if anybody wanted an egg, why didn't you raise your hands and say "Hey!"? Jonah did.

Logan: Jonah said "hey"?

Kiren: ... I don't remember.

-o-

Logan: What does that sign say?

Me: No smoking.

Logan: What is smoking?

-o-

Jonah: Daddy, you've seen "Rio 2".

Me: What does that have to do with anything?

Jonah: Happy wife, happy life!

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, you need drinking lessons!

-o-

Aaron: Daddy, look at that house! They must have been partying all night.

-o-

So I'm listening to the boys celebrate and I find myself trying to remember when "I get to stay up until midnight" became "I have to stay up until midnight."

-o-

Aaron: Jonah, when I become a scientist I'm going to make a potion that makes magic real and pour it on your magic wand so you can make me invisible.

-o-

(at Liberty Science Center)

Jonah: Amme, can we stop so I can find the queen oh wait, there it is.

Random teenager: How did you find it so fast? I've been looking for a while.

Jonah: (brief lecture on hive activity)

-o-

Aaron: I want to go on a first date.

-o-

Me: Remember, you wanted to keep that bag upstairs? It's probably in that pile right outside your room.

Jonah: Of course... It's all the way in the back... *sigh*

Me: What is that, like, two feet?

Jonah: Three!

-o-

Logan: Are we going home?

Me: No, you're going to Nani's.

Logan: NOOOOOOOOOO wait, when am I going to Nani's?

Me: Right after I drop Jonah off at karate.

Logan: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

-o-

(carrying Aaron to a birthday party)

Aaron:zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz...zzz... I TOLD YOU THERE'D BE A WATER SLIDE!!!

-o-

Me: Aaron, what do you want for breakfast?

Aaron: I don't know. If there was Minecraft cereal... with little bits of marshmallows... I would totally eat that.

-o-

Aaron: A girl was wearing a shirt at a store. I don't remember the name of the store.

Me: Why are we talking about this? Did you want the same shirt?

Aaron: Yeah. In teal. But not teal. Like the see-through rubber bands for a Rainbow Loom. Like Jonah has.

Me: You want a teal see-through shirt?

Aaron: Daddy, shirts can't be see-through.

-o-

Jonah: Don't be a scaredy-cat.

Aaron: I'll be a freaky cat.

-o-

Crap. Logan executed a double-jump in our checkers game that I didn't set up for him.

-o-

Logan: How about, when you get asked for a king, you have to slap your face?

Me: No.

Logan: Why not?

Me: Because I don't want to add slaps to the face to our checkers games.

-o-

I don't generally worry about why the kids want to eat what they want to eat, so it wasn't until after I started fulfilling Aaron's request to start taking tuna sandwiches for lunch that I found out that he only wanted the tuna because one of the masters at his karate camp had impressed him with a "tuna burp" and Aaron wanted to generate his own.

-o-

Logan: Where did you get the Riversharks ball?

Me: I got it at a game.

Logan: Didn't you have to give it back?

Me: No. When the ball is hit into the stands, you can keep it.

Logan: You caught the ball?

Me: Well, no, technically, I didn't. The ball bounced around for a while before I grabbed it.

Logan: So the shar caught it?

Me: The... shark?

Logan: No... the shar!

Me: The.. shar?

Logan: No! THE SHAR! THE SEATS!

Me: Ohhh... Yeah, I guess you could say the chair caught the ball.

Logan: Now do you know what I'm saying?

Me: Yes, Logan, now I understand.

Logan: I'm going to tell Amme and Jonah and Aaron that the chair caught the ball.

-o-

(This may not be verbatim. I was kinda distracted at the time.)

Aaron: I almost died!

Medeeha: Aaron, don't say that!

Kiren: I don't think he's talking about the accident.

Aaron: Yeah, I almost lost!

Kiren: I'm not even sure he knows he was just in an accident.

(We're all fine. Not only was even the bumper undamaged, but Jonah didn't make any proclamations regarding personal injury.)

-o-

Aaron: I think today is a very beautiful day for a water balloon fight.

-o-

Logan: Where are all the pictures of me on the wall?

-o-

Logan: Are we going to the bank today, Daddy?

Me: No. Why? What did you need from the bank?

Logan: I want fries.

Me: ... Why do you think you can get fries at the bank?

Logan: Remember? The first day?

Me: Oh... No, kiddo, that was a Sonic.

-o-

(at the kids' barber shop)

Jonah: You need an x and y.

Me: I'm sorry?

Jonah: Daddies pass to mommies an x or y...?

Me: Chromosome?

Jonah: Yeah. How do you pass a chromosome?

Me: We'll talk about it later.

-o-

How a blizzard cost us $400 a day in Las Vegas.

Kiren's sister's undergraduate years overlapped with my law school years, so we often had our academic breaks at the same time. One year, Kiren, her sister, Jonah, and I headed to Las Vegas for spring break. A good time was had by all. All was good until we tried to head back. A blizzard had hit Philadelphia, so our flight from Vegas was cancelled. Fortunately, Kiren was pretty on top of things with her cell phone and was able to book us on a flight for the very next day, even as we were standing in the airport surrounded by people yelling at the airline people for, I don't know, causing the blizzard, maybe? Anyway, the flight was taken care of, but we had already checked out of our hotel, and the rate we had gotten was part of a weeklong deal anyway, so... we wound up at a new hotel. At a slightly larger rate. And had absolutely no plans whatsoever until the next day. In Vegas. Yeah, we kinda bled money that day. But Jonah was killing it at the skill games at the Excalibur.

The next day, we... woke up a little late. So we started zooming as fast as we could out the hotel, to the airport, through luggage check-in, past security, and we actually made it to the jetway while the plane was still boarding!

Well, Kiren and Jonah did, anyway. See, we were so late, they had started calling standbys. Of which there were many. And Kiren and Jonah got the last two seats on the flight. So... yeah. All four of us just could not get on that plane. On the upside, since there were still so many standbys, the airline started giving out airfare vouchers to people who would give up their seats. So I got the airline folk's attention and confirmed my reasoning that, since Kiren's sister and I should have been the next two on the plane, if Kiren and Jonah took the voucher deal, Kiren's sister and I would then have seats and be eligible for the voucher deal. The airline people said yes, that was right. So I said great, you've got four folks taking your deal. But somebody was going to have to go explain that to my wife, since I wasn't being allowed on board and she was rushing so hard to get on the plane and get Jonah's car seat situated that she didn't notice that her sister and I had been stopped from getting on the plane. Which they did, and fortunately Kiren was on board with the voucher deal.

Some of you more detail-oriented readers may have noted that one of the steps we zoomed through was luggage check-in. Our luggage did indeed make it on the flight and made it to Philly a day before we did. Also, we naturally had checked out of our hotel room and were once again without lodging. So we kinda bled money that day, especially with the having to buy some clean clothes and all, along with a new piece of luggage to carry our dirty clothes in. But we did make that next flight. To Cleveland. But at least the airline covered the Cleveland hotel. And the hotel clerk was kind enough to let us rummage through that morning's kitchen refuse to find something, anything, to eat when we got to the Cleveland hotel at 3am. I didn't dare try to catch a nap before the airport shuttle came at 5:30am to get us on the first flight of the day from Cleveland to Philadelphia.

-o-

Jonah: Can we be a family with seven kids?

Me: I think you should discuss that one with Amme.

-o-

Me: Why are you lighting matches?

Jonah: Practice.

(Don't worry; Jonah's practice session was supervised by an adult. I was just commenting on the video that he was proudly showing me.)

-o-

Logan is walking around declaring "Bam! What?".

-o-

Aaron: Don't plan anything for me, okay?

Me: You don't want us to plan a birthday party for you?

Aaron: Right!

Me: Why?

Aaron: Because I want to plan my own party. You and Amme can be lifeguards.

Me: Why does your party need lifeguards?

Aaron: To make sure nobody gets hurt.

Jonah: Are you going to have a pool party?

Aaron: No. It's going to be a Star Wars party. I need the lifeguards to keep everybody safe.

-o-

Logan: Nana gave me two dollars because I peed and pooped.

Me: Yeah, I'm not paying for your poop.

-o-

Aw... Logan offered to let me use his "Get Out of Jail Free" card. I turned him down, of course. I haven't figured out what yet, but I'm sure he's up to something.

-o-

Aaron wants me to build a portal to the future. So I can tell him what his telephone number will be when he's an adult.

-o-

Kiren, looking out the window: Did anybody know Aaron was outside with the car keys?

-o-

First day of school for Jonah this year? September 4.

First fundraising request of the school year? August 26.

-o-

Aaron: I want to live with Amaya. And Amme? I want to marry Amaya.

Logan: Why do you want to marry Amaya? Do you love her?

Aaron: Yeah.

Logan: I love Amaya too. We'll both marry her.

Aaron: I'm going to marry her on her second day of college.

-o-

Aaron: OHHH!!! That is SOOO epic!!!

Logan: That's not epic, Aaron.

-o-

Oy. We just got home from an eleven-day road trip to discover in the mail that Jonah has an assignment that he will be giving an oral presentation on due the day after tomorrow. I mean, sure, I've had to cut Jonah off at two hours of extemporaneous speaking before, but still, I had already scheduled other minor emergencies for tomorrow.

-o-

Kiren: We're going to Nani's house.

Aaron: No! Get somebody from care.com to babysit me!

Me: Do you know who you want us to get?

Aaron: Just open up the site for me and I'll pick somebody pretty.

Kiren: Do boys look pretty?

Aaron: No! Boys look awesome!

Logan: Everything is awesome! Everything is....

-o-

Aaron: I'm not going to be buying lunch. I'm going to take lunch every day. So don't give me lunch money.

Me: Walk me through you making lunch every day.

Aaron: No, you're going to have to make my lunch every morning.

Me: Yeah, you may be buying lunch.

###

Thank you for reading!
