-(laughter)
-But let's get straight into it.
If this morning you
finally woke up from a coma,
well, you might want to go back.
NEWSMAN: The most stunning upset
 in political history...
NEWSMAN: 
 It's Trump.
Donald Trump will be
 the next president
 of the United States.
(laughter)
You know what,
no matter how many times
I hear that...
it still doesn't seem real.
-WOMAN: Yeah.
-It still doesn't feel real.
I mean, look at...
This is the newspaper today.
-Look at that. Look at that.
-(jeering)
It looks... it...
He can't hear you.
It's a newspaper.
It doesn't matter.
Like, it looks like a joke
from April Fools, you know?
And even then,
people would be like,
"That's not a funny joke, man."
This-this entire result is...
it's sort of like Trump's hair--
I know it's real,
but my mind can't accept it.
-(laughter)
-It just...
You know? Because it looks like
he's wearing his hair backward.
Like, everything...
everything is backward.
I mean, I don't understand
half of this.
Hillary Clinton lost
by getting more votes.
No, seriously.
She lost by getting more votes.
Trump got 200,000 fewer votes,
but he won the presidency
because he had
279 electoral votes.
Because that's how it works
in America.
You don't need the most votes,
you just need
the electoral college.
So once again,
Donald Trump benefits
from a bull (bleep) college.
-(laughter)
-And... and by the way...
and by the way,
I'm not saying it's bull (bleep)
because I'm sour or anything.
I'm just quoting
the president--
sorry, the president elect-- 
who said it himself.
Yeah. There you have it.
Donald Trump calling it corrupt.
And we did it,
we just went through his tweets.
And I'm sorry, Donald,
that's what happens
when you get a new job--
people dig through your tweets.
NOAH: I genuinely cannot believe
this has happened.
Even the Trumps can't believe
that this happened.
This was them last night
watching the results.
Look at those faces!
Look at his face!
Look at that man.
That is the face of a man
whose bluff has been called
and he's only holding a two.
And now that face
will be the face
that represents America
to the world.
That is the face
that will address the nation
after a tragedy.
That is the face
that will command
the most powerful military
in the world.
Washington, Lincoln,
Roosevelt, Kennedy,
Reagan, Obama...
and now... Trump.
(laughter, jeering)
One of these things
is not like the other.
(laughter)
And if you're thinking
it's Obama because he's black,
you probably voted for Trump.
Donald Trump, however, did give
a victory speech last night,
and, like most terrible things
in your life,
it happened at 3:00 a.m.
on the streets of New York.
I've just received a call
from Secretary Clinton.
And I congratulated her
and her family
on a very,
very hard-fought campaign.
Hillary has worked...
very long and very hard
over a long period of time,
and we owe her a major debt
of gratitude for her service
to our country.
-(cheering, whistling, applause)
-I mean that very sincerely.
Aw. Say what you want
about Trump--
his reading has really improved.
(laughter)
Yeah, a lot more presidential.
And I'm gonna be honest
right now.
I was genuinely surprised by
the tone of this entire speech.
Trump was gracious,
he was humble,
he was compassionate.
I'll tell you now,
if that guy ran for president,
he also would have lost
to Donald Trump.
With how vitriolic
this election has been,
and with how much trash
Trump has talked,
I was genuinely expecting his
speech to sound more like this.
(in Cartman's voice):
 Nah nah nah nah nah nah.
 Nah nah nah nah nah nah.
 How would you like to suck
 my balls?
That's what I was waiting for.
That is what I was waiting for.
But I-I was,
I was honestly surprised.
Donald Trump came out
and he was really great.
And I think what we need
to do now,
is try and look
on the bright side, you know.
Since Trump won the election,
no one can deny that he has been
a phenomenal president-elect,
right?
It's been a great 19 hours.
In fact,
I say we use this opportunity
to start over with Trump.
We should try.
Let's wipe the slate clean
and start with zero days
that President Trump has gone
without an incident.
And now one day
without an incident.
Huh? Huh? One day.
-Yay.
-(cheering and applause)
One day, people.
Now it's only 1,459 days to go.
But look, um, even though
so much of yesterday
felt like bad news,
it wasn't a total buzz kill.
TV REPORTER: Marijuana was
 a big winner last night.
Massachusetts approved measures
to legalize recreational pot.
Four states did pass laws
that let adults
smoke marijuana for fun.
Oh, my God, people are smoking
marijuana for fun.
For fun, as opposed to people
who smoke it for work.
Oh, for fun.
You know, real quick,
can I just say right now,
America is the most gangsta
country in the world.
Do you know how weird it is
to me
that while you're voting
for president,
there's also a question
on the ballot about weed?
This is like someone's in there,
like,
"Yes, I'm voting for
Donald Trump, and also,
"yeah, I'd like some weed,
mm-hmm, I would like some weed.
Yes, I do, yes, I do."
I will say, though,
it's a great way
to get young people
to the polls.
They should do that
all the time.
Add a party question
to every vote.
Yes.
"How do you feel about Brexit,
and also, shots?"
And if there's one guy
in America
who could use a hit right now,
it's soon to be former
president, Barack Obama.
Because you know what they say,
when they go low, we get high.
I had a chance to talk
to President-Elect Trump
last night,
about 3:30 in the morning,
I think it was,
to congratulate him on winning
the election.
And I had a chance to invite him
to come to the White House
tomorrow,
to talk about making sure that
there is a successful transition
between our presidencies.
That's when I knew it was real.
That is the moment when I was
like oh, this is real.
I also think that'll
be the first time
Donald Trump knows it's real.
