WE GOT ANY MEXICANS IN THE HOUSE?
WE GOT ANY GUATEMALANS IN THE HOUSE?
WELL, WE GOT ANY EL SALVADORIANS IN THE HOUSE?
OKAY, OKAY, BABY.
WELL, I MEAN, WHAT WOULD A "BAD GIRL" SHOW BE WITHOUT SOME LATINA FLAVOR, RIGHT?
OH, YEAH.
SO I WANT Y'ALL TO MAKE SOME NOISE FOR MY HOMEGIRL
MONIQUE MARVEZ.
HOW'S EVERYBODY
FEELIN'? AWESOME?
I GOTTA GET WARMED UP.
I GOTTA GET WARMED UP FOR YOU PEOPLE. I AM IN A SPECTACULAR MOOD.
I AM IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD.
ARE YOU IN A GOOD MOOD, BIG MAN?
YEAH, BABY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING AT YOU.
I LIKE 'EM LIKE YOU BIG AND DUMB AND BEAUTIFUL.
IF I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH SOMEBODY SMART, I'LL MASTURBATE. THAT'S WHAT I SAY.
THE OTHER WOMEN WERE TALKING
ABOUT THAT. YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME 'CAUSE YOU'RE
A LITTLE DUDE. YOU'RE LIKE, "WOMEN ARE HORNY?"
WOMEN ARE HORNIER THAN MEN, LITTLE DUDE.
NO,  YOU NEED TO KNOW THAT.
WOMEN ARE HORNIER THAN MEN, BUT WE'RE HORNY DIFFERENT.
YOU GUYS ARE HORNY ALL THE TIME. LIKE, A LITTLE EGG TIMER ON YOUR HUEVOS, GOING...
CHK CHK CHK CHK CHK
WOMEN ARE HORNY IN WAVES. YOU GOTTA LEARN TO SURF A CHICK.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WE'LL GIVE YOU SIGNS.
'CAUSE I'M AT THAT STAGE IN MY LIFE WHERE I TELL MYSELF THE TRUTH. I AM NOT A KID.
I AM A GROWN WOMAN. THEY'RE SAYING "THE BAD GIRLS OF COMEDY"?
I AM A BAD WOMAN, ALL RIGHT?
THERE'S THINGS YOU KNOW.
LIKE, YOUNG GIRLS NOW, THEY DO ALL
KIND OF CRAZY THINGS.
LIKE, NOW IT'S IN STYLE TO BE BI.
YOU HEAR WOMEN SAY, "I'M BI." LET
ME JUST BE VERY HONEST.
I AM STRAIGHTER THAN YOKO ONO'S PUBIC HAIR, OKAY?
THAT'S AN OLD JAPANESE WOMAN, OKAY, HONEY?
THEY'RE GRAY, BUT THEY'RE STRAIGHT.
I AM STRAIGHT. 'CAUSE I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND SHE SAID SHE WAS BI.
I SAID, "HONEY, LET ME EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU.
"SEX IS ON A CONTINUUM.
"MOST OF US ARE IN THE 90 PERCENTILES. "THERE'S PEOPLE CLOSER TO THE MIDDLE. "I SYMPATHIZE.
YOU'RE CONFUSED. "MAYBE THAT MAIL LADY YOU'VE GOT YOU'RE NOT QUITE SURE,
BUT NOBODY'S 50/50."
IF YOU'RE CLAIMING TO BE BI, YOU ARE JUST GREEDY AND LAZY.
PICK A TEAM AND PLAY HARD.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
YOU GIRLS, WOMEN ARE SKINNY FOR OTHER WOMEN.
WOMEN LOOK AT EACH OTHER LIKE THEY JUST ATE A BAD SHRIMP.
"PUTA.
PUTA. PUTA."
WE PICK ON EACH OTHER. MEN DON'T DO THAT. MEN TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER,
EVEN WHEN THEY GO OUT. WHEN MEN GO OUT, THEY GO OUT IN A PACK,
BUT IF ONE GUY CHECKS OUT A CHICK AND
IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S GONNA HAPPEN,
HIS FRIENDS WILL BACK UP AND SUPPORT LIKE THE PIPS.
THEY WILL NOT BE IN HIS FACE.
THEY WILL SUPPORT.
YOU KNOW WHY, YOUNG MAN?
BECAUSE THERE'S A PSYCHOLOGIST NAMED SIGMUND FREUD.
HE SAYS SUBCONSCIOUS MINDS ARE ALL CONNECTED.
YOU KNOW WHERE MEN'S MINDS ARE. IN THE PENIS.
IF ALL MEN'S MINDS ARE CONNECTED,
ALL MEN'S PENISES ARE CONNECTED. THAT'S WHY YOU PROTECT EACH OTHER,
'CAUSE WHEN YOU'RE FKIN', THERE'S A LITTLE PCE OF YOUR FRIEND GOIN' IN WITH YOU, ALL RIGHT?
WOMEN AREN'T LIKE THAT. WOMEN GO OUT. YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.
YOU MEET SOME GUY. YOU'RE MAKING OUT. YOUR GIRLFRIEND STARTS IN ON YOU.
"WE GOT TO GO NOW."
LIKE, FK THAT.
NOW, IF I THOUGHT MY SISTER WAS TELLING ME, "WE GOT TO GO,"
I'D BE LIKE, "WHY I GOTTA GO? "I'M HAVING FUN. I GOT MY DRINK ON. I MET A HOT DUDE."
THEY'RE LIKE, "YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A DRUNKEN PUTA.
LET'S GO."
LIKE, "SO WHAT'S YOUR POINT?"
"WE ARE BEST FRIENDS.
PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK I'M A PUTA TOO."
IT'S LIKE, "PSH. LIKE YOU'RE NOT, YOU KNOW?"
THAT'S THE THING.
YOUR FRIEND IS NOT PROTECTING YOU.
THAT'S A COCK BLOCK.
SHE IS TAPPING YOU, SAYING,
"WE GOT TO GO." THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
"WE GOT TO GO." 'CAUSE WHAT YOUR FRIEND IS SAYING "IF I'M NOT GETTING ANY DICK..."
all:  YOU'RE NOT GETTING ANY DICK.
YOU SEE THAT, YOUNG MAN?
I NEVER HAVE TO FINISH THAT JOKE.
YOU GOTTA TAKE NOTES. "BRING EQUALLY DRUNK FRIEND." YOU NEED A PAL TO HELP YOU OUT.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOME CHIT THAT'S TRUE
'CAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS. I'M NOT HERE  TO LIE TO YOU PEOPLE.
I'M HERE TO TELL YOU EXACTLY WHAT'S GOING ON.
FOR INSTANCE, WOMEN ARE INSANE. EVERY WOMAN IN THIS ROOM IS CRAZY.
DOESN'T MATTER. Y'ALL WOMEN ARE CRAZY.
'CAUSE  WE THINK, WE THINK, WE THINK, WE THINK.
WOMEN THINK CRA WE THINK ALL THE TIME. WE WAKE UP,
6:00 A.M., BOOM, WE'RE THINKING.
AND IT'S HARD TO THINK THAT MUCH AND NOT HAVE IT GO  TO A DARK PLACE.
I'M GONNA SCARE YOU GUYS. WOMEN WILL PLAN A PREEMPTIVE STRIKE AGAINST YOU
FOR CHIT YOU HAVEN'T EVEN DONE YET.
WE'LL BE ON THE PHONES WITH OUR GIRLS, "AND IF HE DOES THIS,
I'M GONNA GET EVEN "WITH THAT SON
OF A BITCH. I'M GONNA DO THAT RIGHT THERE."
YOU'RE WATCHING A BALL GAME; SHE'S PLOTTING
YOUR DEATH, 'CAUSE THAT'S THE WAY WE ARE.
WE THINK ALL THE TIME.
MEN ARE NOT LIKE THAT.
MEN DO NOT THINK. WHY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO LAZY AND HORNY TO REGRET THE PAST OR FEAR THE FUTURE.
MEN LIVE RIGHT NOW.
A MAN CAN HIT ANOTHER MAN AND HELP HIM UP AND SAY,
"DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU AGAIN, DOG," LIKE THAT, ALL RIGHT?
WOMEN GO ON FACEBOOK JUST TO SEE WHO GOT FAT, YOU KNOW?
WE'RE JUST WE'RE MEAN. HOW  ARE YOU, DUDE?
YOU ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE, LIKE, FREAKED OUT. YOU LOOK LIKE YOU GAVE UP YOUR NECK FOR LENT, YOU BIG BASTARD.
DON'T YOU COME IN HERE WITH A MOHAWK AND THINK YOU'RE NOT GONNA ATTRACT ATTENTION
WITH A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE GIRL.
DOES THAT IRRITATE THE INSIDES OF YOUR LEGS, THAT CHIT? DOES THAT HURT YOU?
THAT LOOKS KIND OF SPIKY.
SNAP THE WONDER CLAM WOULD FREAK OUT IF THAT WAS COMIN' AT ME.
I, UH...
SEE, THAT'S THE COOL THING ABOUT BEING OLDER.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE.
YOU KNOW WHAT MATTERS TO YOU,
YOU KNOW? YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT GONNA GET ANY TATTOOS.
I HAVE COMMITMENT ISSUES. I'VE BEEN MARRIED THREE TIMES. I CAN'T  GET A TATTOO.
THE BEST RELATIONSHIP I EVER
HAD WAS WITH MY DOG.
HE WAS A LITTLE POODLE TERRIER.
17 YEARS. I HAD HIM LONGER THAN ALL
THREE OF MY HUSBANDS PUT TOGETHER.
YOU GUYS  ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. I DIG THIS CHICK.
YOU ARE AMAZING. BIG, STRONG WOMAN.
SEE, IF I WAS GONNA BE A LESBIAN, IT WOULD NOT BE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU,
ALL RIGHT?
WE'D  BE FIGHTING. YOU'D BE LIKE, "EAT ME. EAT ME FIRST. I ATE YOU FIRST LAST TIME."
"OKAY, I'LL ARM-WRESTLE YA." YOU KNOW, IT'D BE LIKE...
NO. I'D GET A LITTLE DAINTY ONE.
I'D BUY HER A PICKUP TRUCK.
YEAH.
LESBIANS DRIVE PICKUP TRUCKS, IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
THEY DO. BIG GMCs. IT STANDS FOR "GIVE ME COOCHIE."
OH, YEAH. ABSOLUTELY.
THIS GUY IN THE HAWAIIAN YOU ALL RIGHT, DUDE?
YEAH, A WOMAN LOVES YOU. SHE BOUGHT YOU THAT SHIRT.
THAT'S A WOMAN-BOUGHT SHIRT,
'CAUSE THAT'S A VAGINA DETERRENT, THAT SHIRT.
IT'S HOT. I'M A LITTLE HORNY. I WAS MOIST AS A BUNDT CAKE.
I LOOK AT THAT SHIRT-SHHPPP DRY. THAT'S, UH, YEAH.
WOMEN BUY THEIR MAN SHIRTS LIKE THAT, DRESS THEM UP LIKE A GAY BEACH BALL
SO OTHER WOMEN WILL KNOW.
YOU TAKE OFF YOUR WEDDING BAND, WE KNOW
YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT EVEN WEARING YOUR PENIS.
IT'S PROBABLY IN HER PURSE. SHE'S LIKE, "I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU AFTER THE SHOW.
YOU'LL JUST FK UP AND LOSE IT IN SAN BERNARDINO."
IT'S HARD TO TELL NOWADAYS WHO'S WHO AND WHAT'S WHAT.
LIKE YOU, WITH THE MOHAWK.
IF I DIDN'T SEE YOU BY THAT
HOT CHICK...
YOU'RE ALL METROSEXUAL WITH THE
PLUCKED-OUT BROWS AND THE JACKED-UP HAIR.
YOU'RE ALL OVERLY GROOMED. DO YOU, LIKE, SHAVE DOWN THERE?
THAT'STHAT'S BULLCHIT.
THERE'S A NEW BREED OF GUYS ALL PLUCKED AND SHAVED
AND TRIMMED LIKE A CHICK.
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE THAT CHIT LIKE A BABY BIRD. LIKE, "EEE EEE EEE EEE!"
I LIKE A MAN!
I LIKE A MAN! A BIG, HAIRY, CHUNKY, MEATY MAN!
YOU DROP  TROU; I WANT IT TO LOOK LIKE A BUZZARD HANGING OUT OF HIS NEST ON A CLIFF WALL.
THAT'S WHAT'S YEAH! I SAW YOU!
YEAH, A MAN!
BIG, HEAVY MAN!
'CAUSE I'M A BIG GIRL. SOMEBODY LAYS ON ME, I WANT  TO LOOK LIKE A MINUTE STEAK WITH TITS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? JUST FLAT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW, I'M FLIRTING WITH YOU, BUT I'M LUCKY. I GOT A NICE MAN IN MY LIFE. I'M LUCKY.
HE'S LIKE YOU, LITTLE DUDE. HE'S YOUNG.
PEOPLE SAY BULLCHIT STUFF.
THAT'S BULLCHIT. THEY GO, "OH, YOU'RE A COUGAR."
'CAUSE THERE'S NO WORD OLDER MAN, YOUNGER WOMAN. IS THERE A NAME FOR THAT?
HELL, NO. "AWESOME," YEAH.
GOOD I LIKE YOUR STYLE.
LITTLE ABERCROMBIE & FITCH MAN. I LIKE YOU.
LITTLE SIX-PACK ABS.
YEAH. IF YOU'RE GONNA CALL ME A NAME 'CAUSE I'M AN OLDER WOMAN WITH A YOUNGER MAN,
CALL ME WHAT I AM:
SORE.
YOU LIKE-HIGH-FIVE. YOU LIKE THAT? YOU LIKE THAT?
YEAH, BABY! YEAH, SORE! TIRED!
SNAP THE WONDER CLAM'S HAPPY!
YEAH.
'CAUSE I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, WHEN YOU
GET OLDER, YOU DON'T CARE.
YOUNGER WOMEN, YOU GIRLS ARE YOUNG.
YOU READ "COSMO," "MARIE CLAIRE," "ALLURE." YOU'RE ALL SELF CONSCIOUS.
YOU'RE ALL WORKED-OUT AND PERFECT.
THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL, YOU'RE PROBABLY ALL SELF-CONSCIOUS.
"DON'T DO ME LIKE THAT. IT MAKES ME WIGGLE. "DON'T SNIFF ME THERE.
I DON'T LIKE THAT ANGLE."
NEVER TRY TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE WHEN YOU'RE ON TOP OF A MAN,
'CAUSE YOUI DID THAT ONCE. I PUT A MIRROR ON THE GROUND AND KIND OF JUST TO SEE WHAT OH, MAN!
YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE A PIT BULL ON ACID. IT IS BAD.
LOOKED LIKE A FKED-UP, HORNY PUG.
OH, YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO GET ON TOP OF THAT MAN AGAIN. IT WILL TRAUMATIZE YOU.
I'LL GET ON TOP NOW, BUT I JUT MY CHIN OUT AND KIND OF
STRETCH MY TATAS A LITTLE SO I LOOK GOOD.
BUT WHEN YOU GET OLDER, YOU REALLY START TO CARE LESS ABOUT THAT KIND OF STUFF.
YOU JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD.
YOU JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY.
THAT'S THE THING.
IT'S THE TRUTH!
BE LESS SELF-CONSCIOUS!
I CAN TELL YOU,
I AM NOT YOUNG, AND I AM NOT SKINNY.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,  MEN LIKE SELF-CONFIDENCE.
YOU WANT TO HAVE A GOOD WEEKEND?
WALK UP TO YOUR MAN TOMORROW 
 NIGHT,
SUCK IT IN THE BEST YOU CAN,
SMILE, AND GO, "HONEY,
DO ME ANY WAY YOU WANT,
AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE, SQUEEGEE ME AND BRING ME A JELLY DOUGHNUT, OKAY?
"YOU GUYS HAVE A GREAT NIGHT! MY NAME'S MONIQUE MARVEZ!
YES, SIR. GIVE IT UP FOR THAT LATINA FLAVOR.
