- I MIGHT THROW UP.
- YOU THINK?
- WELL, NO.
I ACTUALLY DIDN'T
EVEN DRINK THAT MUCH.
JUST TWO BOTTLES,
BUT THEN
BEFORE I CAME,
I HAD THREE DRINKS.
[burps, clears throat]
HELLO.
[laughs]
TODAY WE'RE GONNA TALK
ABOUT EDITH WILSON,
THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
WOODROW WILSON WAS
THE PRESIDENT OF--OF AMERICA.
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
EDITH [bleep] WILSON WAS
THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT'S WIFE.
WHEN HER HUSBAND'S AT WORK,
SHE'S LIKE, WHAT DO I DO?
I GOTTA THINK OF [bleep].
IT'S WORLD WAR I RIGHT NOW,
SO LET'S RATION.
SHE'S LIKE,
DON'T EAT MEAT ON MONDAYS.
DON'T EAT THE GAS ON SUNDAYS...
WITH THE CAR.
AND THEN DON'T GET AN STD,
SHE SAID TO THE SOLDIERS.
WRAP IT UP.
WRAP YOUR DICK UP.
SO, WOODROW WILSON,
HE HAD 18 MONTHS LEFT IN OFFICE,
AND HE HAS A [bleep] STROKE.
HIS DOCTOR WAS LIKE,
UH, WOODROW WILSON HAS HAD
A STROKE, A BIG STROKE.
LIKE, WE CAN'T MOVE, Y'ALL,
STROKE.
SO WHAT YOU GON' DO?
AND EDITH WAS LIKE,
WELL, WHO I LOVE IS THIS MAN.
FOR WHO HE IS,
AND WHO HE IS
IS A GUY WHO WANTS
TO BE PRESIDENT
FOR SOME [bleep] REASON.
SO IF I DON'T--
JUST IGNORE THAT.
IF I DON'T--
JUST IGNORE THAT.
IF I DON'T HELP HIM
BE PRESIDENT,
WHAT A KIND OF WIFE AM I?
THE DOCTOR'S LIKE, UH...
YOU GOT TO RUN
THE [bleep] COUNTRY
'CAUSE THIS GUY'S OUT
FOR THE COUNT.
SO EDITH WAS LIKE, NO PROBLEM.
I GOT THIS.
SHUT UP.
SIT DOWN.
I AM IN CHARGE NOW.
CAN I GET MY CHEESY BREAD
I BROUGHT?
- YOUR WHAT?
- CHEESY BREAD
THAT I BROUGHT.
- CAN WE FINISH THIS PART?
- WHAT PART?
- THE PART THAT
WE WANT TO DO.
- [whimpers]
MY CHEESY BREAD.
- WE'RE STILL DOING IT.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL--
- I DON'T WANT
THE BREAD ANYMORE.
- [laughs]
- SO EDITH WILSON TOLD AMERICA,
HEY, GUYS.
[claps]
EXCUSE ME.
MY HUSBAND, THE PRESIDENT--
HE'S VERY TIRED,
AND HE WILL BE RESTING.
HE'S VERY TIRED,
SO HE NEEDS TO REST.
BUT AT THIS POINT,
THE CONGRESS WAS LIKE,
THE PRESIDENT HASN'T
COME OUTSIDE IN A COUPLE WEEKS.
WHAT'S HE DOING?
AND SO THEY KNOCK ON THE DOOR,
LIKE, 'SCUSE ME!
IT'S ME, CONGRESS.
WE'RE HAVING A FEELING THAT--
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT WE'RE FEELING,
BUT CAN YOU TALK TO US?
AND SHE'S LIKE,
NO, HE'S JUST SUPER TIRED.
HE HAS EXHAUSTION.
LIKE, DON'T BOTHER HIM.
GET OUT OF HERE, CONGRESS.
AND THAT
ACTUALLY QUIETED PEOPLE.
IT ACTUALLY QUIETED
THE CONGRESS.
AND SHE EVEN WENT TO CONGRESS
AND WAS LIKE,
HEY, NO BIG DEAL.
I'M GIVING HIM EVERYTHING
YOU'RE SAYING, CONGRESS.
I'M GIVING HIM ALL
THE LETTERS AND OTHER THINGS.
SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK
OF THIS RULE
OR A LAW OR THING
THAT WE'RE WORKING ON?
AND THEY'D BE LIKE,
WHATEVER, WE THINK THIS.
AND THEN SHE'D BRING IT
TO WOODROW WHO WAS LIKE,
HALF AWAKE,
AND SHE'D BE LIKE, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, CONGRESS IS LIKE,
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
AND HE'D BE LIKE...
[mumbles indistinctly]
AND SHE WAS LIKE,
WELL, I GUESS I'LL COMPROMISE.
I'M JUST GONNA [bleep]
MAKE THE DECI--
[stammers]
MAKE THE DECISIONS MYSELF.
SO BASICALLY, EDITH WILSON WAS
THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT.
SHE RAN MEMOS BETWEEN
CONGRESS AND HIM.
CONGRESS IS LIKE, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT IS GOING ON?
SO CONGRESS PICKED THIS ONE
REPUBLICAN SENATOR, ALBERT FALL.
THEY'RE LIKE, ALBERT, GO SEE
WHAT HIS TRUE CONDITION IS.
GO SEE WHAT WILSON'S
TRUE CONDITION IS.
SO ALBERT FALL SHOWS UP.
HE'S LIKE, CAN WE COME IN
AND SEE THE TRUE CONDITION?
SHE'S NOT [bleep] STUPID.
SHE'S LIKE YEAH, SURE.
COME ON IN.
SO ALBERT FALL COMES IN.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
IT WAS LIKE, YEP,
HE'S NOT--THIS IS HIM.
MAKING DECISIONS EVERY DAY,
AND NOT I--TAKE THE--
THANK YOU, HONEY.
AND I TAKE THE--
THE PAPERS FROM HIM
THAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND
'CAUSE I'M JUST SOME DUMB BROAD.
AND EDITH JUST PROPPED UP
WOODROW IN BED.
LIKE, WAVING, LIKE HEY.
AND THEY'RE LIKE,
OH, OKAY. COOL.
AND SHE'S LIKE, BYE.
AND THEN THEY LEAVE.
THAT'S HOW DUMB GOVERNMENT IS.
WE HAD A WOMAN [bleep] RUNNING
THIS COUNTRY,
AND GUESS WHAT?
YOU COULD GO,
NOTHING GOOD HAPPENED,
BUT I CAN GO,
NOTHING BAD HAPPENED.
9/11 DIDN'T HAPPEN
ON HER WATCH.
DISNEYLAND WITH JOHNNY DEPP
AT THE ANI--
THE--HO--THE HAUNTED MANSION
THAT'S ALL TIM BURTON--
THAT DIDN'T HAPPEN
ON HER WATCH.
CHRISTMAS
AND HALLOWEEN COMBINED,
A LOT OF THINGS--
- [chuckles]
- BASICALLY EVERYONE
AT THIS POINT
IS LIKE, WHERE IS THE PRESIDENT?
WHERE IS OUR BOSS?
WHO EVER IN THE NAME OF GOD
IS LIKE,
"OUR BOSS IS MISSING.
WE CAN'T WAIT TO GET HIM BACK"?
NOBODY!
NOBODY WANTS TO SEE
THEY BOSS.
OW! OW.
SO SHE LITERALLY IS LIKE,
I CAN FEEL THE HEAT ON ME.
I KNOW WHAT I'LL DO.
I'LL SET UP A PHOTOSHOOT,
'CAUSE THEY CAN SENSE
AMERICA
BREATHING DOWN THEIR NECK,
AND THEY PROP UP
WOODROW WILSON
IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
SO HE'S, LIKE, SITTING THERE,
AND THEY, LIKE, MOVE HIS ARM,
AND THEN THEY JUST RELEASE THAT
TO THE PRESS,
AND THAT'S HOW DUMB
PEOPLE WERE BACK THEN.
THEY'RE LIKE,
OH, THERE'S THE PRESIDENT
SITTING THERE SIGNING
A DOCUMENT.
WHAT THE HECK WERE
WE WORRIED ABOUT?
HE SEEMS TO BE ALL
AT WORK AND [bleep].
SO THAT'S ALL FINE.
THAT'S HOW SHE RAN
THE COUNTRY.
THAT'S A GOOD STORY.
- THIS IS OUR--
- CAN I JUST GET BACK UP?
- WATCH YOUR HEAD.
HUH?
- CAN I JUST GET BACK UP?
- YEAH.
- BUT IT'S NOT ON THE SHOW.
- WHAT?
- ANYTHING.
WHEN DOES IT START FILMING?
AND SHE WAS LIKE, YEAH,
I LITERALLY SIGNED
EVERY DOCUMENT,
I LITERALLY HEARD
EVERY ARGUMENT,
I LITERALLY WROTE EVERY PIECE
OF [bleep] PAPER,
I LITERALLY RAN
THE [bleep] COUNTRY.
WELL, I WANNA SAY ONE THING
ABOUT HER.
- YES, MA'AM.
- SHE'S NOT A HERO.
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN
SHE'S NOT A HERO.
DOES THAT UNDERSTAND YOU
COMPLICATED?
- MM-HMM.
- [stammering]
MAKE SENSE TO YOU?
