>>What mustn't you feed hedgehogs?
>>Bread and milk.
>>Exactly. Bread and milk is a bad idea.
People do and it gives them diarrhea and they dry out.
>>You shouldn't really feed bread and milk to any mammal, including humans.
>>But there is a Radio 4 show that deals--
>>Oh, come off it.
What, you shouldn't feed humans bread and milk?
>>No, not really.
>>What do you mean "not really"? It's absolutely, demonstrably fine.
>>No, it's not very good for you.
>>It's fine!
We've been drinking milk and eating bread for ages - why is it suddenly a massive -
"Oh, no, actually, we're supposed to live until we're 250.
"But no, we've been eating all this poisonous bread and milk all the time, and we can barely live past 98."
It's ridiculous! Of course we're supposed to eat bread and milk.
Not just bread and milk...
>>Oh, poor Alan. Don't bully him.
Poor Alan. You shake hands and be friends now.
>>Sorry, Alan.
>>Don't clean a teapot.
>>You don't clean a teapot, David.
>>You should never clean a teapot.
>>No.
>>Under no circumstances.
>>Well, not under no circumstances.
>>No, but, okay--
>>If it's been used as a teapot, then no.
>>If you came in and couldn't find the loo one night...
>>Hold on, hold on, I sense a hypothetical situation...
formulating in David's head.
>>This is not a hypothetical situation, I've only ever used a teapot for tea.
But, occasionally, if you make tea in a teapot once in a blue moon, when you can be bothered in a vague attempt to seem more civilised than you actually are,
you then sort of leave, still got a bit of tea in it, you leave it...
>>Oh, yeah, you rinse it out!
>>No, you don't rinse it out because you forget, because immediately you're tired of being civilised and you want to go to the pub.
You leave it there, for weeks and weeks and months and months,
and then when you have a look in it, it's gone disgustingly moldy.
>>And it's talking to you.
>>Now, at that point, the flavour that you would get if you didn't wash it, from your next cup of tea,
is, if anything, too characterful.
The thing that seems unfair to me is the number of people who are expected to pretend they care about jobs they don't care about.
You should be allowed to say "look, I'm fulfilling my contract, you can't put in the contract 'also you have to seem like you give a shit'".
I think that's expecting too much.
And that's why I really like the fact we live in a country with such poor customer service.
I've got respect for that.
This is a horrible train, you're tearing tickets, of course you're in an awful mood.
>>Now that you've put it like that, I shall feel better about it, you're right.
Why have a cheesy grin on your face if you are working in an awful supermarket?
>>Well, it's the sign either of a liar or a moron.
>>You know when you find a bee and it's crawling on its last legs?
>>I always rescue them.
>>You give it honey.
It's the only thing they eat. Makes sense when you think about it.
>>Isn't it true, though, that a bee, in its entire lifetime, makes an absolutely tiny amount of honey overall?
I mean, just a minute amount.
>>But there's just lots of them.
>>So you don't have to give much rehabilitating honey to this one bee,
before the nation - the world - is making a net loss!
I mean, it's useless; if you only get one teaspoon of honey from a whole bee's lifetime,
and every time we have to get it back on its feet it takes a teaspoon and a half, suddenly there's no honey at all!
>>This is more honey than this bee has has seen in its life!
>>You're insulting it, apart from anything else! It's like showing a very tired mason a whole cathedral!
>>...very interesting and surprising, because almost everybody thinks that vertical stripes make people look slimmer.
In fact, in prisons, sometimes women have asked for vertical rather than horizontal stripes,
so that they look leaner - or they think they'll look leaner - but it turns out,
research from a man called Dr. Peter Thompson, of York University,
has discovered that the large majority think the one in the vertical stripe is larger than the one in the horizontal stripe,
when they are the same size.
>>Surely this shows, actually, that it makes no real difference at all,
because we're determining whether wearing vertical or horizontal stripes makes you look thinner,
and you can't tell by looking?
You have to do research?
The difference is so slight you have to do research with hundreds and hundreds of people.
Basically, people look as fat or thin as they are.
>>I beg to differ.
>>I have a friend who's quite short,
and he likes to wear vertical stripes because they make him look taller.
>>Only when he's not standing next to anyone.
It's not gonna make him look taller than a taller man.
It's all relative - they'll just say, "oh look, there's a normal-sized man next to an enormous man!"
And then he went "oh, thank God, he's taken his striped shirt off,
"it's actually a tiny man next to a normal man."
>>I've missed your angry logic, David, I have to say.
>>I think it just alternates, doesn't it?
For ages, you think "okay, vertical stripes make people look thinner",
then you say "oh, she's wearing vertical stripes, therefore she must be fatter than she looks".
Therefore you start thinking "oh, she looks fatter because she's wearing vertical stripes",
so suddenly, horizontal stripes start making you look thinner because "oh, she must be thin because otherwise she'd never dare wear horizontal stripes".
Then they go "oh, no, horizontal stripes make you look thinner"; "oh, she must be fat, she's wearing horizontal stripes".
>>What would you use one of these for?
>>What would I use it for, or what is it meant for?
>>Oh, isn't this for fish? Getting things out of fish?
>>Ah, interesting thought.
>>On the Swiss Army Knife there's one for scooping out a fish eye.
>>They're not as difficult to get out, the eye of a fish, are they?
They're pretty squidgy, unless the fish is still alive.
Fish don't blink, which is the main eye defense.
If you're ever trying to get the eye out of a fish and it blinks, it may be a lion.
>>Which is correct, of these: Grocer's, Grocers, or Grocers'?
It's Grocers-apostrophe.
>>One of the requirements of being a sign printing company is having a basic knowledge of where an apostrophe goes.
>>They know, I'm convinced - all signwriting companies know, for example, how to spell "accommodation".
They must do. And I reckon, when they say "okay, we're doing a sign for your guest house, would you like our normal service,
"or would you like our deluxe-gold-five-times-the-price service, where we'll check your spelling for you?"
And everyone goes "no, it's alright, I'm not gonna pay five times as much for you to check the spelling",
and they go "okay!"
"Okay, we're gonna paint the word 'accommodation' the way you've put it there, are we?"
In the knowledge that they'll have to get called back all the sooner when the people finally realise they've got it wrong.
It's just every time you see "accommodation" properly painted and misspelt, the signwriter knew.
Was bloody minding putting it up there wrong knowing he'd get a repeat gig all the sooner.
>>You can see how long he's been looking for a flat.
>>When was the First World War first named as such?
>>The outbreak. The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.
>>You think they called it the First World War straight away?
>>Before it started.
>>It would be the act of a pessimist to call it the First World War that early, surely.
It's gonna be some point after 1939, isn't it?
>>A realist, a realist, surely. "There's gonna be more of these..."
[Klaxon sounds]
>>Excuse me! I think I said...
I think what I said, people in the box, is "after 1939".
Which may contain 1939, but does not mean it.
[Klaxon sounds]
Okay! No no no!
"After 1939" and "after the Second World War" are not synonymous,
now this is just giving you time to type "after 1939"!
[Klaxon sounds]
Why don't you just type "Mitchell is a cock"?
>>I wouldn't put it past them!
And finally, how many brains did the man with two brains have?
>>Two.
>>Yes.
That's brilliant!
>>It's so cruel!
>>Yeah, he's wise enough to spot a double bluff.
>>It's just the technique of the bully!
You hit us! And then you go "oh, did you think I was gonna hit you?"
"Oh, no, I'm not gonna hit you. Oh, I'm just using my hand to stroke you."
And we're here going "Ah! Please don't...!"
>>That's exactly what we do.
