

J. Richard Singleton

Copyright 2002

Smashwords Edition

FADE IN:

EXT. A LOS ANGELES SIDESTREET - DAY

Two teens, SETH ANDERSON and RUSS MOORE, are standing at

opposite ends of the street. LOWRIDER BIKES leaning against

them, they're wearing ridiculous make-shift "armor"-they've

strapped and duct-taped PIE TINS and metal GARBAGE

CANS to their torsos. They have METAL BUCKETS over their

heads and are holding MOPS at their sides.

SETH

(to Russ)

BUCKETHEAD! Thou art a villain!

RUSS

(to Seth)

Thou dareth call me a villain, Sir

Sticksalot?

SETH

Yes, I dareth. Thou are a most unsavory

naïve and a liar and an unworthy receiver

of camaraderie!

RUSS

Thou calleth me a liar?

SETH

Yes I doth.

RUSS

I do not but speaketh the truth--to bring

forth the truth to yond blind eyes. I hath

did this now, and always have--em--eth.

SETH

Don't thou peeth on my leg and tellth me

it's rain.

RUSS

I peeth not!

SETH

"Peeth not," you say?

RUSS

That's what I saideth!

SETH

Then defend doth!

He gets on his low rider, kicks off and starts riding with

the mop outwards like a lance. Russ does the same.

WIDE OUT

The two are heading for a collision course with each

other--they are jousting(!) The two strike each other,

sending them both to the pavement. They get up. Seth

strikes Russ' armor. Russ returns the blow. Seth sweeps him

with the "staff," sending him to the floor once again. He

begins hitting him on the pail with the staff. After

several moments, Russ begins shaking his arms and Seth

stops striking him.

RUSS

(pleading)

Okay! Stop, stop! Lysandra's not a skank.

SETH

That's right.

RUSS

Right.

There's a moment of silence.

SETH

Let's go get some tacos then.

EXT. TACO BELL DRIVE THRU - DAY

Seth and Russ pull up to the Taco Bell ORDER BOX in Seth's

dilapidated CAR. Seth stares at the MENU in mock

contemplation.

TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

(over com)

Hello and welcome to Taco Bell, how may I

serve you?

SETH

(into com)

Huh? What did you say? "How may I service

you?"

Seth and Russ giggle idiotically.

TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

(over com)

Yeah, how may I serve you?

SETH

(into com)

Hey, look, buddy, I just came here for some

chalupas, not for some freaky male hooker

sex stuff. Now maybe if there's a chick

somewhere in there...

The two breakout laughing. For a moment, the Tacobell Guy

doesn't get what the hell they're laughing about.

TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

(over com, pissed)

Look, if you want something, order now or

go jogoff!

SETH

(into com)

"Jogoff"? Heh relax, fella, don't get your

hairnet in a knot. I'll have 20 tacos--five

hard, twelve soft, surprise me with the

last three. Three Nachos Bell Grandes,

eight chalupas, twelve bean burritos and a

small Diet Pepsi, heavy ice.

RUSS

Ha. "Hard."

TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

(over com)

That's not a real order!

SETH

(into com)

Yeah, sure it is. Do you think I'd come

to a fine eatery establishment such as

this--I had to choose between this and

Spago and I chose this, I tell you what--just

to place a fake order and drive off

laughing? Now here's what you do: Get making

that order right now so when we drive up,

we'll be good and ready to pay and go.

More laughing.

TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

(over com)

You goddamn sonsofbitches!

The two laugh hysterically and speed up, around the drive

thru. When they get around it, they see there is a long

line to the pickup window. Standing outside of the pickup

window is a LARGE TACOBELL EMPLOYEE holding and patting a

BASEBALL BAT, waiting.

RUSS

Damn.

SETH

Okay, we'll just back out.

He shifts the car into reverse and drives back around the

corner but then quickly slams on the brakes. They get as

far as the order box. There is a car pulling into the

driveway-- they are blocked in. The Radioguy is LAUGHING

manically in his squeaky teenage voice.

TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

(over com)

Forty tacos you say?

SETH

(into com)

No, dude. Twenty.

TACOBELL RADIOGUY (V.O.)

(over com)

I think it's forty now.

Shrill LAUGHING, this time from the order box. Seth and

Russ are screwed.

EXT. LYSANDRA'S HOUSE - EVENING

It's a large, upscale suburban home. Seth pulls up to the

corner and gets out. Clothes and other personal belongings

are falling from the sky. Seth looks up in confusion. The

pretty hot LYSANDRA, draped in a robe and hair all messed

up, is throwing stuff from a second-story balcony. She goes

back into her room. He looks up.

SETH

Lysandra, what are you doing?

She again appears on the balcony.

LYSANDRA

I don't believe you--I just don't believe

you!!!

She throws a CD PLAYER to the ground; it lands at his feet.

SETH

What? C'mon, I brought you tacos.

She goes back inside.

SETH (CONT'D)

What's the problem? You're acting like a

black woman in a movie written by a black

woman--or Tyler Perry!

She comes out again, this time tossing some COMIC BOOKS

down atop him.

LYSANDRA

What's the problem? What's the problem? The

problem is 10 years we've been going

together and do you have any dreams? Do you

have any aspirations? No!

SETH

Yeah, but nothing's wrong, is it?

LYSANDRA

That's it--that's what's wrong: Nothing!

You're The Nothing!

POV - LYSANDRA

She's looking down on him.

LYSANDRA (O.S.)

Here's your copy of the Kama Sutra!

A thin BOOK falls from the sky to the ground. Seth bends

down to pick it up.

SETH

But didn't this supply us with hours upon

hours of aerobic-rotic fun?

LYSANDRA (O.S.)

Here's your crappy VH1 "Making Of..."

video.

The VIDEO falls to the ground at Seth's feet. He picks it

up and holds it skyward, to Lysandra.

SETH

Hey, this isn't crappy! It's Britney

Spears! Back when it was all about the

music--and back when VHS was a viable

media! Shows what you know! Now get down

here, and we can talk more about your

feelings on VHS and the works of Britney

Spears!

A 13" TV SET lands on his head. Seth manages to half catch

it, but a good amount of force is still there, knocking him

to the ground, legs spread out like a dead man's.

LYSANDRA (O.S.)

Here's your television.

After a moment...

SETH (O.S.)

Ow. My tacos.

INT. A DENNY'S - EVENING

Seth and Russ are at the counter. Russ is SLURPING a

MILKSHAKE. Seth is bemoanfully staring at his forehead with

the shiny side of a NAPKIN HOLDER.

SETH (CONT'D)

Jesus, this is awful! I'm going to have

"RCA" across my forehead for the rest of my

life!

Russ stops drinking for a moment to look at Seth's forehead.

RUSS

Oh, no, no you won't. You'll have A-C-R.

He continues to drink.

SETH

Oh, man, "acre"! That's worse. At least

"RCA" makes sense! (beat) Somewhat.

Russ stops drinking.

RUSS

Look, dude, you had it coming. I told you

time after time: Lysandra's a ho.

SETH

No, don't call her a ho...

RUSS

Why not? She is a ho. Her favorite

gardening instrument is also the ho.

Around Christmastime, all she says is "ho

ho ho." That's all I got now--but my

general observation is that she tried to

kill you with a television, man!

SETH

I did wish it had been a flatscreen.

RUSS

You should've spent the extra 50 bucks.

But my point is, she's a ho, and I calls

it like I sees it.

SETH

What about when we get back together?

RUSS

Not going to get back together.

SETH

What about last May?

RUSS

Last May was last May. You're a senior now.

A senior in high school. Every relationship

you have at this point you'll have for the

rest of your life.

SETH

Oh, that's not true, what about all those

people you meet in college-

RUSS

(interrupting)

No, sorry, that's it, the end. You and I,

we'll be friends for the rest of our

lives--nothing to be done about it--

because we were friends in high school.

There's a moment of reflection as Russ continues to SLURP

his milkshake.

SETH

Well, that kinda sucks.

RUSS

Yeah, well, you're going to die lonely;

what can you do about it?

Russ gets up and stretches. Seth sits looking pitiful.

RUSS (CONT'D)

Oh, buck up--say, wanna pretend we're blind

and go get some textbooks recorded for us

on tape?

SETH

Maybe tomorrow.

RUSS

You see, there's the spirit, always

looking towards the future. You helped me

through my...(beat)...problem...

FLASHBACK

INT. RUSS' HOUSE. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT. A FEW MONTHS AGO

ANNA BLACKOVONSKY, a pretty Russian-American girl, Seth,

STONERS JEFF and STEVE have gathered around Russ. It's an

intervention.

SETH

Russ, you've got to quit, think about your

family!

RUSS

(defensively)

You don't know me! Where were you when I

started? With Lysandra--that's who!

Anna breaks out in tears. Seth cradles her in his shoulder.

SETH

You see what you're doing to Anna?

CLOSE SHOT - RUSS' FEET

We see his feet for the first time. He's wearing HIGH HEELS.

RUSS (O.S.)

I can stop wearing women's pumps anytime I

want!

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

RUSS (CONT'D)

Now it's my turn to return the favor. Tell

you what, tonight we go clubbing.

SETH

Oh, I don't know.

RUSS

(interrupting)

C'mon! Remember the last time we got

together in a club, the fun we had?

FLASHBACK

INT. CLUB. MEN'S RESTROOM - NIGHT. A FEW MONTHS AGO

Loud TECHNO MUSIC if playing in the background. Seth is

washing his hands. Russ ENTERS.

RUSS (CONT'D)

Seth, hey!

Seth sees him. They greet each other.

SETH

Russ! What a coincidence.

RUSS

You know me: I like the night life, I like

to boogie. You came with Lysandra?

SETH

Yeah.

RUSS

Righteous, righteous.

SETH

Who'd you come with?

RUSS

Me and Anna came--wait. I have an idea.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out two TABLETS. He

holds them up excitedly.

RUSS (CONT'D)

Look at what I got, man: Dissolvable extra-

strength tranquilizers! They're legal, and

they work like Ruffies!

SETH

(shaking his head)

That's messed up, dude, don't-

RUSS

(interrupting)

No! This is what we do: You slip one in

Lysandra's drink, I'll slip one in Anna's.

(beat) This'll be great!

INT. LYSANDRA'S HOUSE. LYSANDRA'S BEDROOM - MORNING

CLOSE SHOT - LYSANDRA

Lysandra's under the COVERS, asleep. A feminine hand enters

the shot, lightly touching her shoulder.

WIDE OUT

Stripped to her UNDERWEAR, Anna's covered to her waist,

beside Lysandra. Her hand. Curious and still half-asleep,

it explores up her arm, finally resting on her face.

Lysandra, also half-asleep, reaches out and touches Anna's

breast. Anna's hand pets Lysandra's face again. Eyes

shooting open, they both wake up and release each other.

ANNA

Oh shit--what did I drink last night?

Damnit--I'm Russian; it could've been

anything!

Lysandra rolls out of bed. She's also just in her UNDERWEAR. She takes some of her CLOTHES off the floor--they're scattered in a haphazard way--and begins to dress.

ANNA (CONT'D)

Let's never speak of this again.

Lysandra stops dressing for a moment.

LYSANDRA

How was I?

We PAN OVER to the redlight of a WEBCAM.

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM - MORNING

Seth and Russ are watching all this on a BIG-SCREEN

TELEVISION. They're laughing their asses off and eating POPCORN.

RUSS

Now they think they're lesbians!

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

SETH

(nodding)

Yeah. That was fun. But-

RUSS

(interrupting)

No more arguments! Tonight I'll club your

brains out!

EXT. "THE LOVE VAN" - EVENING

CLOSE-UP - THE LOVE VAN'S REAR BUMPER

The California VANITY PLATE reads "LOVEVAN." BLINK-182'S

"WHAT'S MY AGE AGAIN?" is booming in the background.

WIDE OUT

It cruises along the freeway with Russ driving and Seth

riding shotgun. It's not much of a cool ride at all; it's a

minivan. In fact, it's a red Ford Aerostar.

INT. THE LOVE VAN - EVENING

Russ is shaking his head to the song playing over the

radio. Seth is sitting all sad, moping.

RUSS

(singing)

"...What the hell is ADD?..."

Seth turns to Russ.

SETH

(sadly)

Hey, do you mind?

RUSS

No problem--I love this part too!

Russ cranks it up to full blast. Disgusted, and almost in

tears, Seth turns it off himself. He has interrupted Russ'

jam session.

RUSS (CONT'D)

Why'd you do that? Oh. Yeah. The stuff

about the breakup...(beat)...stuff.

SETH

It's more than that. (beat) She told me I

was the World's Biggest Zero. I love her,

and she thinks I have no value whatsoever.

RUSS

You? No!

He takes a hand off the wheel and waves his concerns off.

RUSS (CONT'D)

Pishaw!!! I can only say, you are no bigger

of a loser than I am.

He suddenly loses it and bangs his raised hand on the horn.

The horn BLARES.

RUSS (CONT'D)

(road raging)

HEY, MOVE IT!!! WE'RE ON THE FREEWAY!!! I

WILL GET OUT THIS VAN, RUN UP TO YOUR

BITCHASS PRIUS AND PUNCH YOU IN THE HEAD--

THAT IS HOW SLOW YOU'RE GOING!!! PUT YOUR

FOOT DOWN!!!

He suddenly calms.

RUSS (CONT'D)

(to himself)

Man, there are cars everywhere today.

(to Seth)

The world is overpopulated and run by

people who were losers and geeks in high

school. You know George W. Bush was a

cheerleader? Became our greatest living

President. Bill Gates has always been

Bill Gates, and...(beat)...Barack Obama

used to wear a dress!

SETH

Yeah, well...(beat)...I don't know about

that.

RUSS

We'll wiki it later.

SETH

I feel confident that Barack Obama has

never been a crossdresser, no. You just

made that last example up.

RUSS

(indignantly)

Oh, so, that's how it is? You're just

jealous I never let you and her use the...

(deepening his voice)

...Love Van.

SETH

The Love Van? Dude, you're driving a

minivan!

RUSS

No, I'm driving the...

(deepening his voice)

...Love Van.

SETH

(simultaneously)

Whaddya mean "The Love Van"? This is a

minivan!

RUSS

(simultaneously)

The dealer--

SETH

You have room for, like, 2.3 goddamn kids

back there!

RUSS

The dealer--the dealer told me this is a

love van. I am a sex machine in the "Love

Van"!

SETH

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? How many girls have you

had in the back of this Aerostar?

RUSS

Had?

(indignantly)

I have made the acquaintance of several fine

young ladies-

SETH

Uh-huh, uh-huh, I thought so.

There's a moment of quiet awkwardness.

RUSS

(seething)

Look, say what you want about me, just

don't ever knock the Love Van.

(calms down)

You're looking at this the wrong way.

You're a free man--and tonight we're paint

this one horse town--

SETH

(interrupting)

Los Angeles.

RUSS

Los Angeles--white with semen!!! (beat) Our

semen. (beat) Because of all the sex we'll

be having. (beat) With girls. (beat) Not--not

each other--

SETH

(interrupting)

Shut up.

RUSS

(agreeing)

Shutting up.

INT. A HIP HOP CLUB - NIGHT

Seth and Russ, dressed like '80s style homeboys are trying

to keep up the gyrate with two SISTAS. A door is heard

being SMASHED open by the unmistakable sound of a battery

ram. White LAPD OFFICERS filter in, surrounding the dance

floor, GUNS drawn. The music stops.

LAPD OFFICER #1

FREEZE! THIS IS A RAID!

Seth and Russ grab each other in fear.

RUSS

Don't shoot us, we're Caucasian!

EST. SHOT - CLUB ECSTASY

Underneath the neon sign, written on the marquee: "NO

ECSTASY SOLD HERE."

INT. ECSTASY CLUB - NIGHT

PEOPLE, obviously all on Ecstasy, are dancing to bad TECHNO

MUSIC. Everyone's on x, with the skimpy outfits and the

multi-colored GLOWSTICKS. Russ has stripped to his "TIGHTY

WHITIES." He's in his zone, among his people. Everyone's

lined up like on the old episodes of "Soul Train"--the

vastly superior Don Cornelius days. Down the middle,

they've formed a conga line with Russ leading. At the end

of the row, he turns, bringing them down, waving his two

glowsticks like an airtraffic controller.

INT. THE SPIKED CLUB - NIGHT

Seth and Russ have found their way into an S&M club. They

stand by the door, scared to venture any farther. Inside, a

scantily clad TORTURE MISTRESS whips a NAUGHTY GIRL-chained

and on all fours--over her bare ass with an exotic

WHIP.

TORTURE MISTRESS

Speak, my naughty BITCH!!!

SFX - LOUD WHIP

SFX - GIRL WHINING

Russ flinches; Seth holds back a tide of rising vomit. The

HOST, a lanky fellow whose leather outfit would put Dr.

Frank-n-futher to shame, approaches them.

HOST

Come on in, boys. We don't bite...(beat)...

in any places that won't heal.

REAR SHOT - HOST

The back of his "MAN PANTIES" has been cut out, and his ass

is hanging out in all its glory.

BACK TO SCENE

SETH

Shit--run! Run!

They frantically--practically tripping over each other-escape.

INT. CLUB HERSHEY - NIGHT

The club is filled with dancing GAY MEN. Seth and Russ are

dancing like they've never danced before: Seth leaps atop a

jubilant Russ' back and begins to ride him doggie-style.

Seth abruptly dismounts and begins to look around. He

finally realizes something's wrong.

SETH (CONT'D)

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

LANCE BRUCE, an obviously gay teenager, sees them. He's

carrying a little TRAY of FESTIVE DRINKS.

LANCE

Hiya, fellas!

SETH

Lance Bruce, you work here?

LANCE

Yeah--got the job with my--

(whispers conspiratorally)

...fake ID! Isn't this club just the most

fantabulous?

Seth and Russ hold each other fearfully.

RUSS

(freaking out)

Oh my God! We walked into a room full of

'mos!

SETH

(whispering)

Calm down. We prepared for this--remember

the drills.

Huddled together, not very nonchalant, they slowly inch

towards the door. When they reach it, though no one is even

paying any attention to them:

SETH (CONT'D)

(to the gays)

None of you follow us!

INT. CLUB GRUNGE - NIGHT

TWO SHOT - SETH AND RUSS

They're looking at each other, holding on to some railing

as MOSHERS mosh below them--like Dana Carvey and Mike Myers

in Wayne's World.

RUSS

Are you ready?

SETH

Never more so in my life.

RUSS

(simultaneously)

MOSH PIT!

SETH

(simultaneously)

MOSH PIT!

They both release, falling backward and are caught by the

moshers and passed along.

RUSS

"I am a golden god!" Not silver! Gold!

SETH

Y'know, except for the queasiness, all the

hands on my ass--and I'm pretty sure I just

got poked with something, little worried

about that--this is the greatest time of

my life!

SFX - FART

RUSS

Oops, I just farted.

Everyone release Russ and scatter. He falls to the floor

with a THUD.

INT. SETH'S CAR - NIGHT

HADDAWAY'S "WHAT IS LOVE?" is blasting over the car stereo.

Seth and Russ, dressed like "The Butabi Brothers" from A

Night at the Roxbury, are bobbing their heads to the side

like the guys from the classic "SNL" skit and the

underappreciated movie. The song abruptly ends. AARON

CARTER'S "AARON'S PARTY" starts. Their heads stop rocking.

Russ begins fiddling with the buttons.

SETH

Sorry. I think I recorded over--

RUSS

(interrupting)

What?

SETH

This was a mixed tape--

RUSS

You make mixed-tapes?

SETH

I make retro mixed tapes--I think I

recorded over it.

RUSS

Oh. It's nice. (beat) This'll work too.

Russ' head begins bobbing again. After a moment, Seth's

does too.

INT. CLUB MISCELLANEOUS - NIGHT

No theme. No more freaks than you'd fine at any other club,

with the exception of Seth and Russ. Hands in his pockets,

Seth approaches a HOT GIRL.

SETH

Hey there.

HOT GIRL

Hi.

SETH

(smarmily)

My pants are ringing.

He jiggles his trousers.

SETH (CONT'D)

(smarmily)

It's opportunity callin'.

HOT GIRL

Do you work here and someone's trying to

contact me on the outside or--

SETH

(interrupting, guiltily)

Can I have your number, please? I'm

trying to pick you up--that was a pick-

up line. I'd like your number.

HOT GIRL

I don't feel like giving you my number,

and I really think I'm outta your league.

SETH

Yeah, well, you clearly came alone too,

so you must have unrealistic expectations

as to how hot you are.

HOT GIRL

That's offensive.

SETH

"That's offensive"? You're offended by

this situation?

HOT GIRL

What-ever! Just get out of here before you

get smacked.

SETH

Oh, yeah? Who ya gonna have beat me up?

Your boyfriend? Uh-oh! You clearly came

alone, so you're gonna have to be the one

who beats me up.

HOT GIRL

I guess so.

SETH

I guess so too.

She slaps him. It's an anemic slap because she's a scrawny girl, and Seth is unmoved.

SETH (CONT'D)

That did not hurt.

She slaps him again.

SETH (CONT'D)

I'm starting to think I'm dead inside--I

know, that shocks me too.

She slaps him again!

SETH (CONT'D)

You're still not hurting me--still, I'm

going to ask you to stop doing that and

am going to walk away.

Seth meets up again with Russ, who's chatting up two HOTTIES.

RUSS

...Yes, and I call it my "Love Van"--

Disgusted, they split.

RUSS (CONT'D)

(calling after them)

I'll Facebook you--are you on the

Internet?

(turns to Seth)

Hey, how's it going?

SETH

Well, a hot girl just slapped me a bunch

of times.

RUSS

Alright, but we left that one club for

that very reason.

SETH

Let's just call it a night.

EXT. PARKING LOT - EARLY MORNING

CLOSE SHOT - SETH'S OPEN TRUNK

It's full of their various CLUBBING OUTFITS.

SETH (CONT'D)

Damn. How do you do it every night?

RUSS

That's why the Dodgers still make caps, my

friend.

FLASHBACK

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. CLASSROOM - DAY

Half the class is wearing various styles of DODGER CAPS,

obviously sleeping--tired, hungover, whatever.

END FLASHBACK

SETH

If I'd had, would I be out here with you?

(beat) Yes, probably. I've only had sex

with that one girl, and only a small

minority of girls move that fast, not

that I'm judging those who do--so that was

outta line. You're a good friend.

RUSS

Alright, then. The secret is to meet new

people. Just don't call Lysandra. It's

like duct tape on your scrotum, you just

have to rip it off as quick as you can

and hope it's not too messy.

SETH

Why would there be--no, I'm not going to

call Lysandra--you're right about that.

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - MORNING

Seth's on the phone.

SETH (CONT'D)

(into phone)

Look, I really think if we try, we can

work this out.

INT. LYSANDRA'S HOUSE. LYSANDRA'S ROOM \- MORNING

Lysandra's cutting up a pair of jeans, stabbing the crotch

with a pair of SCISSORS.

SETH (CONT'D, V.O.)

(over answering machine)

I mean, I know you're a rational person.

She finally figures "screw the scissors" and begins to tear

it down the middle.

SETH (CONT'D, V.O.)

(over answer machine)

Remember our song? (beat)

(singing)

"Some people stand in the darkness/Afraid

to step into the light/Some people need to

help somebody/When the edge of surrender is

in sight/Don't you worry, it's going to be

all right/'Cause I'm always there/I won't

let you out of my sight..."

INT. LAX. TERMINAL - NIGHT

PASSENGERS are getting off a flight from Russia. Anna is

one of them, carrying a large SUITCASE. She walks up to

Seth.

SETH

Hey, Anna. How's my best girl-guyfriend?

ANNA

I really wish you'd stop calling me that.

SETH

Yeah, I wish for a lot of things. So how

was Russia?

ANNA

Cold and humiliating. It was Russia. Our

greatest heroes are dictators and

writers who kill off their characters in

the end.

She hands him her suitcase.

SETH

(not listening)

Great--you know I broke up with Lysandra?

ANNA

I got stuck to a toilet--I was frozen on

the seat for, like, three hours.

SETH

Ten years together.

ANNA

They placed space heaters around my ass. My

pubes were singed off.

SETH

More than half my life.

ANNA

You can probably now find pictures of it on

the Internet--just YouTube "Girl frozen to

toiletseat."

SETH

Yes, you can find lots of stuff on the

Internet.

EXT. LAX. PARKING LOT - NIGHT

Seth is assisting Anna with loading her luggage into his

trunk.

ANNA

Well, I just hope that you take it better

than last time.

FLASHBACK

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. GARAGE - DAY. A FEW MONTHS AGO

Tears streaming down his cheeks, he stands on a SAWHORSE

with a POWER CORD wrapped around his neck for a noose. He

jumps. The overhead beam that he tied the cord around

breaks instantly under his weight.

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

SETH

Nah, don't worry, I've learned a lot since

then.

FLASHBACK

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. GARAGE - NIGHT. YESTERDAY

He's back on the horse. Same tears, etc.; this time after jumping, he kicks the sawhorse away with his flailing legs. His body twitches frantically. (Killing yourself is hard!)

SETH (CONT'D)

Screwit.

He reaches up and undos the noose, sending him to the floor

with a CRASH.

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

Anna nods.

ANNA

Good.

INT. SETH'S CAR - NIGHT

SETH

I have a plan to win her back, y'know.

INT. LYSANDRA'S HOUSE. LYSANDRA'S BEDROOM - LATE NIGHT

Lysanda's in bed. Suddenly, a song cuts through the silence: PETER GABRIEL'S "YOUR EYES." Her hand grabs the PHONE off her NIGHTSTAND.

EXT. LYSANDRA'S HOUSE. FRONTYARD - LATE NIGHT

Seth's outside on her lawn, holding a BOOMBOX high over his

head like John Cusack in Say Anything...\--he's even

dressed like him, in the TAN DUSTER.

SFX - DOG HOWLING

SFX - POLICE SIREN

And a red and blue strobe illuminates Seth. He tucks the

boombox under his arm and runs like hell. He leaps over a

low shrub--barely. Three ATTACK DOGS jump him in Lysandra's

neighbor's yard. They hurl him to the ground. He drops the

boombox, his body twisting and rolling in an attempt to get

the vicious animals to yield.

SETH (CONT'D)

(in agony)

OW, IT HURTS!!!

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. CAFETERIA - NOON

TWO-SHOT - ANNA AND RUSS

Russ is eating piggishly. Anna stares forward at Seth.

ANNA

How'd it go?

CLOSE SHOT - SETH

His face has been chewed on pretty bad. He has the world's

largest WAD OF TISSUE shoved up his nostril, so his voice

is all nasally:

SETH

Not as I expected.

ANNA

Things will get better.

Anna begins checking her SMARTPHONE.

SETH

Oh, yeah...

He places his unharmed hands on the table.

SETH (CONT'D)

It's amazing what the doctors can re-

attach these days.

Russ is poised to shove another spork-full of food into his

mouth.

RUSS

Dude, your hands are good.

He places the food into his mouth. He then realizes what

Seth is talking about and spits it out. He drops the fork

in disgust.

RUSS (CONT'D)

Good God--

SETH

Wouldn't that have been fucked-up? No, my

junk is okay--and you know what?

Lysandra is going to appreciate that when

we get back together.

RUSS

That's so dirty!

ANNA

Sweetie, she changed her Facebook status

from "in a relationship" to "free pussy."

SETH

There's now a "free pussy" status on

Facebook?

ANNA

No, relax, I'm just yanking your chain--

but she is listed as "single" again, and

I presume "ready to mingle"--you need to

move on too.

SETH

I am neither single nor ready to mingle.

ANNA

(to herself)

Meanwhile no man has been interested in

my pussy since that fireman I was

seeing.

FLASHBACK

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY

Anna, looking especially pretty, is waiting at the base of a LADDER leaning against a large tree.

A HUNKY FIREMAN, 23, comes down the ladder. He is cradling Anna's CAT in one arm and holding his AX in the other.

ANNA (CONT'D)

Thank you for retrieving my cat.

He gives Anna her cat back.

HUNKY FIREMAN

No problem-o, ma'am. That's why us

firemen got in the game. Not sure why I

brought my ax, though. Guess it's to

remind me that I'm a firemen.

ANNA

My parents are out of town and I'm

three weeks from 18, is there anything I

can do to thank you?

It's like cue porno music, right?

HUNKY FIREMAN

No, thank you, ma'am. We're not allowed

to accept tips.

Anna removes a CASE OF BIRTHCONTROL PILLS, and "nonchalantly" drops the case on the ground.

ANNA

Oops.

HUNKY FIREMAN

Oops. You just dropped your birthcontrol.

The helpful young man bends at the knees and picks up the case, returning it to the hot girl.

HUNKY FIREARM (CONT'D)

Here you are. Glad to be of help.

ANNA

Thank you. Where would I be without these

pills?

(seductively)

But why don't you come upstairs? I am a

competitive speedskater, so I'm very

flexible.

HUNKY FIREARM

I can tell by the way you're altering

your voice, you really want to offer me

a tip, but like I said, I'm a civil

servant, and I can't accept tips;

they're considered bribes, you know.

ANNA

Aw.

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

Anna has lowered her phone. She sees something going on behind Seth.

ANNA

(interrupting)

Don't look behind you.

SETH

Now why do people say that--"Don't look

behind you"? It's not like when two people

are having a conversation that one thinks

"Hey, I wonder what's happening behind me

right now." Really. I expected more from

you, Anna.

He begins to turn his head.

SETH (CONT'D)

Now I have to go look behind me just to see

what you don't want me to see.

He sees Lysandra. And gets happy.

ANNA

I told you.

SETH

(elatedly)

This is it! Don't you see? Lysandra never

eats in the cafeteria--she feels it's for

losers. (beat) This is God's way of

bringing us back together!

He stands up.

ANNA

(doubtfully)

God...(beat)...or...(beat)...the lunch

bell.

He straightens his shirt. His fly's open.

ANNA (CONT'D)

Your fly's open.

SETH

(confidently)

The doctor said to let it breath.

He walks toward her table, in SLOW MOTION. This is it. This

is his moment. Russ tackles him before he can get any

closer. They both fall face down. Russ has his hands around

Seth's legs, trying to keep him from crawling to Lysandra's

table.

RUSS

Man, you can't slink back to her with

your tail between your legs!

SETH

Well, what am I suppose to slink back

with between my legs?

RUSS

Don't do it! Don't slink back! Don't

slink baaaaaaack!

Seth is crawling too quickly; Russ is jerking him back too

hard. His pants come down to his ankles, revealing his

bare-ass to everyone in the cafeteria. Everyone LAUGHS.

Seth quits crawling.

SETH

The doctor told me not to wear underwear.

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - NIGHT

Seth's lying on his bed in the dark room, bathed in the

warm glow of his TELEVISION.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

He could make a pedal car out of bamboo and

a radio out of coconuts but not a boat.

That doesn't make any sense. He's a

professor.

Then a commercial comes on:

INSERT - TELEVISION

A very Jamaican phone-in psychic, MS. BRIO, is advertising

her service. She's sitting before a small TABLE to hold her

TAROT CARDS.

BACK TO SCENE

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

Hey, there are still Jamaican psychics

on TV. Thought Katrina took care of them.

INSERT - TELEVISION

MS. BRIO

(over television)

'Eh dere, do you ever wonder what da

future 'olds for de? Money? Fame? Da

nookie? Let Ms. Brio tell ye all about

it. Know tomorrow's future ta day. Da

first three minutes are free, so call now.

BACK TO SCENE

SETH

Well, the first three minutes are free.

He hurriedly reaches for the phone.

MS. BRIO (CONT'D, V.O.)

(over television)

Call now.

He starts dialing.

MS. BRIO (CONT'D, V.O.)

(over television)

Call now! Dial quicker and call now--...

He dials quicker.

MS. BRIO (CONT'D, V.O.)

(over television)

...the future's almost here!

SETH

(to himself)

How does she know?

EST. SHOT - A RURAL HOME IN THE MIDWEST

INT. A HOUSE SOMEWHERE IN OHIO. DEN - EARLY MORNING

A chubby middle-aged WHITE GUY wearing SWEATPANTS is sitting on a recliner, watching a football game on ESPN in the dark.

SFX - PHONE RING

He picks his PHONE off the STAND beside him. He speaks in a

great, thick Caribbean accent.

WHITE GUY

(into phone)

'Ello dere, pretty lady.

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - LATE NIGHT

SETH

(into phone)

Well. I appreciate the "pretty," but I'm

a dude. As a psychic, you should've known

that.

INT. A HOUSE SOMEWHERE IN OHIO. DEN - EARLY MORNING

WHITE GUY

(into phone)

I see dat now, I see dat now--de hot

Kingston sun been doing da number on me

brain. Now what is de problem?

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - LATE NIGHT

SETH

(into phone)

My girlfriend just broke up with me. I want

to know how to get her back.

INT. A HOUSE SOMEWHERE IN OHIO. DEN - EARLY MORNING

WHITE GUY

(into phone)

I see de problem. Now lemme consult me

cards.

He sets the receiver down on the stand, then reaches into

his sweatpants. He begins jerking off.

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - LATE NIGHT

SETH

(into phone)

The first three minutes are free, right--

hello?

CUT TO:

Three minutes later...Seth's still on the phone.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

Man. Reading "de cards" must be

complicated. Soon this will be costing me

money.

CUT TO:

Ten minutes later...

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

Screw this!

He hangs up.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

I haven't wasted this much money since I

bought my Sega Dreamcast.

INSERT - TELEVISION

"The Six Million Dollar Man" starts:

NARRATOR (V.O.)

(over television)

"...We can rebuild him. We have the

technology..."

BACK TO SCENE

Realization dawns across Seth's sleep-deprived face. He's

in total awe as he sets the phone down.

NARRATOR (CONT'D, V.O.)

(over television)

"Better than he was before. Better...

stronger...faster..."

SETH

(to himself)

That's it!

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - MORNING

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR, a man in his early 50s, is giving a

PROSPECTIVE STUDENT and his MOTHER a tour.

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR

And you'll find our school very proactive.

We're always modernizing.

EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. FRONT ENTRANCE - MORNING

Between the tarnished "GEORGE BUSH" of the school's

moniker, a MAN ON A LADDER screws in a shiny new "W." The

man goes down the ladder. After a moment, a screw comes

undone and the "W" is lopsided. Then the other one gives,

and the initial CRASHES to the ground.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. MR. GEE'S CLASS \- MORNING

Seth raises his hand.

MR. GEE

Yes?

SETH

Sir, I need a tampon, and I need Anna to

come and get it for me.

MR. GEE

That doesn't make any--

Seth has already grabbed Anna, dragging her along, and

they're out the door.

SETH

(interrupting)

Too late!

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - MORNING

Seth and Anna walk down the empty corridor.

SETH

(quietly)

Hey, Anna, let's play that game.

ANNA

(quietly)

God, it's so retarded.

SETH

(quietly)

C'mon, c'mon! Look, we're already coming up

to a door.

An open classroom door is just ahead of them.

ANNA

(quietly)

Okay, you start.

SETH

(loudly)

...so I dismembered the hooker's body...

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. CLASSROOM - MORNING

The students' attention is drawn to the door in interest.

SETH (CONT'D)

(loudly)

...and buried her in the desert...

They've cleared the area. They giggle, in on the same joke. They're passing another door.

ANNA

(loudly)

...does it just burn when you pee?

SETH

Oh, so is that the way you want to play it?

Anna nods. Passing another door...

SETH (CONT'D)

(loudly)

How many weeks late are you?

She playfully punches him on the shoulder.

ANNA

You bitch!

Passing another door...

ANNA (CONT'D)

One testicle, you say?

She's taken the game too far.

SETH

(shocked)

Oh, you are dead.

Another open door:

SETH (CONT'D)

(loudly)

...you're so...(beat)...dirty...

They've passed the door.

SETH (CONT'D)

I've got nothin'.

She nods.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - MORNING

Seth's standing outside a door, talking through it.

SETH (CONT'D)

I've been thinking a lot lately--about me

and Lysandra. I'm thinking, what if I can

convince her that I'm not the world's

biggest loser. I mean, isn't that what

being an American's all about? Overcoming

monumental challenges and grabbing

adversity by its horns and making it your

bitch-monkey? Damnit! That's it! I can turn

my zero into a great "O"! As in, "O, look

at him go!" God bless America! God bless

Amer--

SFX - TOILET FLUSH

WIDE OUT

Seth's been talking through the door of the ladies'

restroom. Anna EXITS the restroom.

ANNA

Sounds good. I think it's gonna totally

backfire--but you should do it.

SETH

That--that doesn't make a whole lot of

sense.

ANNA

We're females. Live with it. We go crazy, irrational things; how else do you

explain how Shia Leboef keeps getting laid?

She hands him a plastic wrapped TAMPON.

ANNA (CONT'D)

Here's your tampon.

He takes it, then places it in his pocket.

SETH

I'll just save this for later.

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - EARLY EVENING

His room is very much a guy's room--a total mess. Seth is

on a chair, rummaging in the top shelf of his closet,

throwing stuff out. Anna's standing behind him, dodging the

accidental projectiles. He finds what he's looking for: a

SHEET OF CRUMPLED LOOSE-LEAF PAPER.

SETH (CONT'D)

Aha! I knew it was here--my master list

of everything I've ever intended on

doing but was too lazy. Mostly just old

New Year's Resolutions, but there's also

some to-do lists and mild bucket-list

stuff.

She looks at the list.

ANNA

I have one thing on my bucket-list:

Don't die.

SETH

So you have ambition now too?

ANNA

You're in luck. It's only half a page long.

SETH

No. There's more stuff. I just didn't take

the time to write it all down.

ANNA

Oh.

SETH

Yeah. (beat) First up: Clean up all this

crap.

ANNA

You mean your stuff? You are getting into "Hoarders"-territory.

SETH

No. I mean this crap--my toilet's been

backed-up for almost a week now.

We quickly PAN OVER to the opened door of Seth's bathroom.

The TOILET is backed up with what you'd expect a toilet

that hasn't been flushed in a week would be full of. It

overflows a little and bubbles. Quickly PAN OVER back to

Seth and Anna.

ANNA

Ew.

SETH

Yeah, you're standing in it a little, too.

Looking at her feet, she leaps out of place.

CUT TO:

Seth, discovering a TUBE OF SUPERBUBBLE under his bed.

SETH (CONT'D)

Hey, Superbubble! We had fun with this!

FLASHBACK

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - DAY. FOUR YEARS AGO

Seth is sitting on the floor, reclining against his bed.

Anna's laying on it. He holds up the tube to his nose,

takes a deep HUFF. He giggles uncontrollably from the high

and passes it to Anna. She HUFFS and giggles too, rolling

on his bed maniacally.

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

ANNA

(fondly)

Yeah.

He tosses it in the box.

CUT TO:

Anna is shuffling a PILE OF CLOTHES on the floor. Suddenly

something beneath it all begins to VIBRATE loudly. Seth

throws himself atop it, like a bodyguard protecting his

charge, to muffle it.

SETH

(ashamedly)

Sometimes I get curious.

CUT TO:

Anna reaches under his bed. She brings out an old copy of

PLAYBOY. There's something wrong with it. It's stiff--she

waves it like a single piece of cardboard.

ANNA

It's like it's been shellacked-

She quickly drops it.

ANNA (CONT'D)

Ewwww...

She wipes her hand on her blouse.

CUT TO:

All his crap has been placed in large GARBAGE BAGS. Anna

picks one up, and chucks it out the open window.

EXT. SETH'S HOUSE. FRONTYARD - EARLY EVENING

The bag lands in a neat pile with the others

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - EARLY EVENING

SETH

No, no, no. You have to put some shoulder

into it.

He picks up a bag.

SETH (CONT'D)

Okay, make me mad.

ANNA

Okay. Today, in the girls' lockerroom,

Lysandra said you couldn't find a woman's

G-Spot with OnStar.

This enrages him.

SETH

AHHHHHHHH!

He tosses the bag clean out the window, past his frontyard.

EXT. SETH'S HOUSE - EARLY EVENING

It CRASHES into a passing-by POLICECRUISER, damaging the

front windshield. Coincidentally, Derek is walking down the

suburban sidewalk. Not knowing where the projectile came

from, he stops. Two white POLICE OFFICERS step out. They

stop for a moment to look at the damage, then turn to Derek.

COP #1

(pointing with his nightstick)

Hey, you!

DEREK

Uh-oh.

Derek bolts. The two cops follow.

COP #1

STOP!

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - EARLY EVENING

Back to Seth and Anna.

SETH

Seriously? She actually said that?

ANNA

No. She doesn't talk about you at all.

CUT TO:

His room is clean. We now see he has a hardwood floor.

SETH

(kicking off his shoes)

I forgot I have a hardwood floor!

He tries to slide across it; the floor's not slick enough.

He trips and falls flat on his face.

SETH (CONT'D)

DAMNIT!

ANNA

I think you need to wax it first.

INT. AMAZONDOTBOMB BOOKSTORE - DAY

Seth and Anna approach an EMPLOYEE bent over to stock a

shelf.

SETH

Hey--

He quickly straightens up. He's a foppish fellow who speaks

in an exaggerated tone.

EMPLOYEE

(interrupting)

Yesssss?

SETH

Do you have any books on self-improvement?

EMPLOYEE

Yesssss!

SETH

Can you stop saying that?

EMPLOYEE

Yess-

Seth slugs him. He drops like a sack of potatoes.

ANNA

Seth!

SETH

What? He was coming right at me.

CLOSE-UP - LINE OF YELLOW COVERED "...FOR DUMMIES" BOOKS

He goes down the line, grabbing every book off the shelf.

He skips over SEX FOR DUMMIES. Then he pauses.

SETH (CONT'D, O.S.)

Aw, who am I kidding?

He goes back and tops the pile off with Sex for Dummies.

EXT. OCEAN STREET - MORNING

Seth and Russ are walking down the street together,

drinking COFFEE.

RUSS

Dude, you're not serious about this self-

improvement shit?

SETH

Why does everyone keep assuming I'm just

making this up? Can't I just do something

nice like this?

Russ shakes his head.

RUSS

It's just that you're very susceptible to

crazy ideas. Remember that UFO cult you

joined?

FLASHBACK

INT. UFO CULTIST COMPOUND - NIGHT. TWO YEARS AGO

Seth and other CULTIST, all dressed in CEREMONIAL ROBES in

the style of the kind worn by those Heaven's Gate kooks,

are standing around, holding TRANSPARENT PLASTIC CUPS OF

KOOL-AID.

ONE SHOT - SETH

Seth slowly starts to drink his. Then he suddenly stops,

Kool-Aid coming spurting out of his mouth and nose, he

withdraws his cup. He starts laughing.

SETH

(pointing to his cup)

Ha! There's a grape in mine. (beat) Guys?

BACK TO SCENE

Everyone else is lying on the floor, dead.

SETH (CONT'D)

Guys?

Dropping the cup, hands waived like "whoa," he slowly backs

out.

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

RUSS

And anyway, it's wrong to be puttin' on

airs.

SETH

You can't compare the two.

RUSS (CONT'D)

Let me tell you something my Grandmother

Mary told me before she died: "Stop it.

You're hurting me. You're outta the

will"--no, I'm just joshing you.

Seriously, in baseball, if you aim for

the stars, you're going to hit the

fence.

SETH

I like the first one better, the one with

hurting an old lady.

They stop again. A nerdy spandex-clad BICYCLIST riding on

the sidewalk is coming toward them. The bicyclist slows as

much as possible while still remaining mounted as Russ is

making moves to the right and left, taking up the whole

sidewalk.

RUSS

(excitedly)

Uh-oh. Uh-oh, you know it's coming!

Uh-oh!

The bicyclist almost gets passed him; he shoves the man off

his bike.

RUSS (CONT'D)

(excitedly)

Can't stop the bum-Russ!!!

They continue walking. Russ skips a little, in a victorious

mood.

SETH

You're so immature.

RUSS

And you're already putting on airs, man.

Airs.

SETH

Will you stop saying "airs" so much! Air

surrounds you, hence everyone has on air.

RUSS

You see. You're already trying to tell

other people what to say and think

and...(beat)...say. Don't be such a Nazi.

SETH

I'm not being a Nazi.

RUSS

Then how are you going to go about making

yourself a better person, Herr Anderson?

SETH

I have a list.

RUSS

The Nazis had a list. That's how they knew

who to kill.

SETH

(sarcastically)

Wow, these walks with you are like Tuesdays

with Morrie.

RUSS

Using pop culture references that no one

else can understand--that's the first sign

that you're going "Mad Men" on your

friends.

SETH

What do you have against me bettering

myself?

RUSS

I sense a montage coming.

SETH

What?

RUSS

Nothing.

SETH

There's only one way to settle this.

EXT. A MELROSE AVENUE EATERY. PATIO - NOON

TWO SHOT - SETH AND RUSS

They're each holding a PENCIL by the eraser with their

thumb and forefinger, point down and at just above eyelevel.

RUSS

(simultaneously, quietly)

1-2-3.

SETH

(simultaneously, quietly)

1-2-3.

At "3," they drop their pencils. Seth's lands in the

exposed butt crack of the seated FIRST YOUNG WOMAN WEARING

LOWRIDER JEANS. Russ just misses the crack of First's

eating companion sitting across from her, SECOND YOUNG

WOMAN WEARING LOWRIDER JEANS, his pencil landing on the

ground. They are creepily looming over them.

RUSS

Alright, you win. I'll support you all the

way.

SETH

Lowrider jeans are cool.

RUSS

Enjoy your lunch, ladies.

Then they run off, before the women have any idea of what

just happened.

EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. QUAD - LUNCHTIME

Principal Escobar is standing to the side for whatever

reason. To STUDENTS walking by him:

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR

Move along, kids. Move along. (beat) Give

me my personal space.

Seth approaches him. He extends his hand to the principal.

Principal Escobar doesn't notice or care.

SETH

(gleefully)

Principal Escobar, I'd like to announce my

candidacy for senior class president.

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR

Congratulations, Mr. President.

SETH

There hasn't even been a vote yet

.

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR

You have it locked, Jimbo. Look at the

other candidates:

We quickly PAN OVER to an ARAB-AMERICAN STUDENT speaking to

two FRIENDS, with a BOTTLE OF WATER under his mouth and a

long, bushy black beard, waving his free index finger for

emphasis.

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (CONT'D, O.S.)

A tall, thin Arab-American who doesn't like

to shave and often speaks with a water

bottle under his mouth, finger waving emphatically. And the Guy Who Uses Outdated

Slang.

Quickly PAN OVER to GUY WHO USES OUTDATED SLANG (or

G.W.U.O.S.), a teen dressed like he's from the 1920s or

something. He's campaigning to the THREE BULLIES.

G.W.U.O.S.

Hey, chums. I've been pressing flesh so

hard, I'm fagged out.

He removes a PACK OF CIGARETTES and puts it out, offering

them a smoke.

G.W.U.O.S. (CONT'D)

Anyone wants to straighten their dickie and

put a faggot in their mouth?

We quickly PAN OVER back to Escobar and Seth.

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR

Yeah. You don't need to be the Supreme

Court to know who's going to win this

election. That reference isn't dated--is

it dated?

SETH

(absently)

No, Florida is still a hole and our

election system is racked with corruption.

Cue up FASTBALL'S "FIRE ESCAPE."

MONTAGE:

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S BEDROOM - EVENING

Seth's laying out a DANCE TUTORIAL MAP. He goes through the

steps, waltzing with an invisible partner.

EXT. STREET - DAY

Seth passes by a series of stores: First, a sports car

dealership.

SETH

(to himself)

Too expensive.

Then he passes by a penile enlargement clinic.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

Too evasive.

Then, a gun shop.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

Too obvious.

INT. SHIN'S FLUTE AND OTHER MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS - DAY

MR. SHIN, a young Asian American fellow, is reclining at

his DESK. Seth ENTERS.

SETH (CONT'D)

Mr. Flute. I want to learn how to play an

instrument--any instrument--in less than

eight months. No cheating on your part--

French Horn or better.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. MATH DEPARTMENT \- DAY

The rock music is replaced for this scene with artsy-fartsy

ACADEMIC MUSIC. Seth and a MATH PROFESSOR are standing at a

university-style CHALKBOARD in a university-style theater.

It's a recreation of a scene out of "Good Will Hunting,"

with the two men crossing stuff out on the board in a game

of one-upmanship, though we can't clearly see what they're

doing. After a half-minute of this, they stop, join hands

and pat each other on the back--like in "Good Will

Hunting." They release.

SETH (CONT'D)

Playing tic-tac-toe is fun, but can you

teach me some math-stuff now?

We ZOOM IN and see that the entire board is dedicated with

games of tic-tac-toe. The professor nods.

INT. SHIN'S FLUTES AND OTHER MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS - DAY

Seth is expertly and exuberately playing a BANJO.

SETH (CONT'D)

Hey, look at me! I'm George Segal!

Shin turns off a BOOMBOX playing pre-recorded banjo music.

Seth's just pretending to strum the strings.

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - DAY

Seth has dumped the dance lesson mat into his TRASHBIN.

He's now stripped to his BOXERS, imitating Jason Biggs in

"American Pie," which is playing on his television.

Dancing's dancing. Russ ENTERS the room, sees what's happening, and he's gone. This is too weird.

INT. SHIN'S FLUTES AND OTHER MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS - DAY

Shin hands him a FLUTE.

SHIN

Here, you try this.

Seth holds the flute vertically.

SETH

"This one time, at band camp"-

Shin snatches the instrument out of his hand.

SHIN

You've never been to band camp!

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. LIBRARY - DAY

Seth is sitting at a table, filling out an SAT REGISTRATION

FORM. He's reading the questions aloud before answering

them.

SETH

(to himself)

"Name"? Seth Anderson. "Sex"? Yes, please.

Hehe. No one has ever did anything this

clever on one of these forms.

We quickly PAN OVER to Derek, who's also filing out a

REGISTRATION FORM in the same style as Seth.

DEREK

(to himself)

"Name"? Derek Peters. "Sex"? Often. No one

has done--

We quickly PAN OVER to Lance.

LANCE

(interrupting, to himself)

Lance Francie Bruce. "Sex"? Anal.

INT. POST OFFICE - DAY

Seth, Anna and Russ are standing by a VOTER REGISTRATION

DISPLAY. Seth is finishing up filling out a REGISTRATION

CARD. Done, he drops it in a MAILBOX.

ANNA

What did you register as? Democrat,

Republican?

SETH

What did you register as?

ANNA

Green Party.

SETH

"Green"--ha. That's not a real party.

ANNA

Et tu?

SETH

I checked "Other" and wrote in "Superdude."

I'm now a registered "Superdude"!

RUSS

Me too!

The two guys laugh at the coincidence. Russ is the first to

gain composure.

RUSS (CONT'D)

Someday we should have a convention.

ANNA

(to herself)

I miss communism.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. LIBRARY - MORNING

SFX - PENCILS SCRATCHING

STUDENTS, including Seth, are taking the SAT test. Seth

FARTS. Everyone else stops for a moment, then continues.

Seth FARTS louder. Everyone again stops, then continues. As

soon as they continue, Seth does it again--he FARTS überloud

in a statacco fashion--like an intestinal tommy gun.

The CHAIR beneath him VIBRATES. People stop, their

concentration obviously broken. When he finally stops, his

peers' pause is much longer, anticipating another shoe to drop. When nothing else comes, they all continue. Someone

CLEARS THEIR THROAT.

SETH

(loudly)

Shut-up!

INT. SHIN'S FLUTES AND OTHER MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS - DAY

Seth is sitting before a PIANO, wearing SUNGLASSES and

waving his head ála Stevie Wonder. He's playing the same

composure Bill Murray performed in "Groundhog Day,"

emulating him. Seth stops momentarily.

SETH (CONT'D)

Thanks for teaching me how to play the

piano, Flutey. And how to do a somewhat

convincing Bill Murray impersonation.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. JANITOR'S CLOSET \- MORNING

CLOSE SHOT - SETH

All we see is Seth and the door behind him. He's holding a

LIST.

SETH (CONT'D)

I know I've never came here before, or have

ever shown any interest in the course of my

academic career. But there are a lot of

classes I've always wanted to take. And if

you just take my word that I can do it, I

promise I'll try not to disappoint you.

(beat) So what do you say?

CLOSE SHOT - A CHUNKY MAN IN COVERALLS BEHIND A DESK

He's, obviously, the school's JANITOR.

JANITOR

I'd like to help you, kid, but this is

the janitor's closet. You want the

counselor. His office is down the hall,

to your left.

BACK TO SCENE

Seth nods. That makes sense. He turns. As he's exiting, he

begins shoving INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED URINAL CAKES from a

bulk CRATE into his pockets, as if the janitor isn't

watching.

JANITOR (CONT'D)

Please don't steal them urinal cakes.

Looking guilty, he places them back.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - PASSING PERIOD

STUDENTS EXIT their classes, entering the hall. Seth EXITS

the counselor's office. Anna's there, waiting for him.

SETH

Well, I did it. I registered for all the

classes I've always wanted to take.

ANNA

Including anatomy?

SETH

Just look at this.

He saunters up behind a fine, thin girl named SHEILA, who's

at her locker. She's wearing a haltertop.

SETH (CONT'D)

(smarmily)

Hey, Sheila.

He taps her bare back at the shoulder blade.

SETH (CONT'D)

(smarmily)

I can see your scapula.

She turns and WHACKS him across his head with her heavy

PURSE. Seth slumps down; Anna's there to catch him before

he hits the floor. Sheila walks away in an indignant huff.

SETH (CONT'D)

(shocked)

I just said--

ANNA

(interrupting)

She knows what you just said. She's

going into pre-med next fall, remember?

SETH

Oh yeah. Wanna come with me and Russ to

the mall? We're gonna go find me a job.

ANNA

Sure. Why do you want to do?

SETH

I've always wanted to test silicone

breast implants.

DREAM SEQUENCE

EXT. A GRASSY FIELD - DAY

Seth is holding a SHOTGUN, wearing a set of SKEET SHOOTER'S

GOGGLES and EARMUFFS.

SETH (CONT'D)

Okay. Pull!

SFX - PLATE LAUNCHER

He raises the gun, fires.

CLOSE-UP - GROUND

An unpenetrated SILICONE BREAST IMPLANT crashes to the grass; there's a 12-GAUGE SHELL embedded in it.

SETH (CONT'D, O.S.)

Okay. That one's good. Use it.

CUT TO:

SFX - GUNSHOT

Another SILICONE BREAST IMPLANT hits the ground. This one

has burst.

SETH (CONT'D, O.S.)

Don't use it.

END DREAM SEQUENCE - BACK TO SCENE

ANNA

That's not how it's done!

INT. SETH'S CAR - DAY

Seth has neither hand on the wheel. Anna is sitting in the

backseat, panicked, as Seth is changing into a SHIRT and

TIE.

ANNA (CONT'D)

Seth, ten and two!

He checks his WATCH as he straightens his tie.

SETH

(condescending)

No. It's 2:10. Here in America, we say it

the other way, with the hour first--

He turns to Russ, who's sitting beside him.

SETH (CONT'D)

How's my tie?

RUSS

Sharp. I don't even know why you need a

job. There are other ways to make money--

have you tried a pyramid scheme.

SETH

Yes, but I only know two people.

ANNA

I'm not entirely sure why you want us

all to come with you.

SETH

Moral support. You know without you, I

have no morality.

FLASHBACK

EXT. A GRASSY FIELD - DAY

A SIGN clearly says "PLEASE STAY OFF THE GRASS." Seth's standing on the sidewalk, looking at the sign. He looks

left and right to see if anyone's watching. Then he runs

into the field, running in large circles like a racehorse.

END FLASHBACK

INT. BEVERLY CENTER - EVENING

NOTE: INTERCUT SEQUENCE

What follows next is a series of job interviews, all from

the managers' pov.

POV - MANAGER

SETH

I don't think of it as being fired; fired

people normally had benefits.

CUT TO:

SETH (CONT'D)

My life was just going into a different

direction, and my job didn't follow.

CUT TO:

SETH (CONT'D)

My weaknesses? I'm a little lazy; I don't

work well with strangers; I'm bad with

money; sometimes I don't speak English so

good...

CUT TO:

SETH (CONT'D)

Y'know how when you normally hire someone

new and you notice that things seem to be

disappearing?

He points to himself with apparent pride.

CUT TO:

SETH (CONT'D)

Then there's the gas. Will I be working

around open flames?

CUT TO:

SETH (CONT'D)

I am not unemployed. If we were all in the

NBA, I'd be known as a free agent. Would I

be receiving benefits here? (beat) No?

That's okay. Really.

(falsely upbeat)

I just want to be on the team. Yeah. Go

team.

CUT TO:

SETH (CONT'D)

Actually, my religion forbids résumés.

(beat) Scientology--L. Ron Hubbard rules!

CUT TO:

SETH (CONT'D)

Did you bring your resume?

The hand hands him a DOCUMENT.

SETH (CONT'D)

Oh. Don't you sometimes feel overqualified?

Right now, huh?

CUT TO:

SETH (CONT'D)

"Urine test"? Will that necessarily be my

urine?

CUT TO:

SETH (CONT'D)

Is that your blue VW Beetle I saw in the

parking lot? (beat) It'll be a shame if

someone is to break a window and pee in it.

END INTERCUT SEQUENCE

INT. TOY STORE - EVENING

He's at the counter, talking with the MANAGER.

SETH (CONT'D)

Look, I'm great with children.

He picks up a large red DODGEBALL.

SETH (CONT'D)

Hey kid! Catch!

He tosses the ball across the store at a five-year-old BOY

who has his back turned and obviously doesn't know who

Seth's yelling to. The ball strikes him in the back. Not

knowing if there's more coming, he defensively covers his

head with his arms.

SETH (CONT'D)

I--...(beat)...I expected him to catch

it. (beat) Y'know what? I don't care if

I get this job.

He points to a large "FLOOR PIANO" being openly displayed.

SETH (CONT'D)

But I'm not leaving until I've played

that floor piano!

He jumps atop it and begins playing "CHOPSTICKS" like Tom

Hanks in "Big." PEOPLE stop shopping and begin to gather

around to watch. Anna jumps atop and joins him. They regard

each other for a moment. They begin playing "HEART AND

SOUL." Together, they're in perfect harmony...then Russ

jumps on. He clumsily lands in between the two, disrupting

their song. They back off the piano. Russ jumps on the keys

sporadically.

RUSS

(excitedly, singing poorly)

"We built this city on rock and roll!/

We built this city on rock and rolllll!"

INT. MALL PARKING STRUCTURE - NIGHT

CLOSE SHOT - ANNA

Anna gets into the passenger side of Seth's car. There's a

prominent, rhythmic THUMPING inside.

ANNA

Russ, maybe you should drive.

CLOSE SHOT - RUSS

He's in the backseat.

RUSS

Why?

CLOSE SHOT - ANNA

ANNA

Because Seth keeps on hitting his head

on the steering wheel.

CLOSE SHOT - SETH

Depressed, he is. That's the THUMPING sound.

INT. SETH'S CAR - NIGHT

Russ is driving along. Seth is lying in the backseat, now

hitting his head rhythmically against the window.

POV - SETH

Going slowly, he sees the giant neon sign of Club Hershey.

BACK TO SCENE

SETH

A gay club! That's it! Russ, pull over!

He pulls over the car.

RUSS

Righty-o.

INT. CLUB HERSHEY - MORNING

Seth is standing behind the bar, so he can only be seen from the waist up. He's holding a SERVING TRAY topped with

DRINKS. Lance places another drink on the tray. Russ and

Anna are sitting at the bar.

LANCE

Remember: If you drop a drink, the boss

will dock-diggily-ock you!

He playfully jabs Seth in the chest with his index finger,

nearly causing him to spill a drink. Lance then turns his

attention to a man hanging curtains, UMBERTO.

LANCE (CONT'D)

No, Umberto, I thought we ordered royal

purple curtains. Those are obviously soft

violet!

Hand waving effeminately, he rushes over to correct him.

RUSS

So it's come to this?

SETH

Just til I find something better.

He steps out from behind the bar. He's wearing short CUTOFF

JEANS. Anna giggles.

RUSS

Dude, which side are you now on?

SETH

The side that tips better. Plus I finally

get a chance to properly show off my

package.

He turns sideways a couple of times so his friends can appreciate it. Anna is checking it out. Then Anna snaps out of it.

ANNA

How on Earth did you get this job anyway--

you're not even 21.

SETH

I used my fake ID.

INSERT SHOT - SETH'S FAKE ID

So fake, it has a photo of a young black woman on it.

BACK TO SCENE

SETH (CONT'D)

If anyone asks, I'm a 26-year-old black

woman.

A BIG, FAT, HAIRY GAY MAN slaps Seth's ass.

SETH (CONT'D)

(girlishly)

Fresh!

BIG, FAT, HAIRY GAY MAN

Don't act like you don't like it.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. LIBRARY - MORNING

Seth and Russ are sitting beside each other, each having a

large opened BOOK WRITTEN IN JAPANESE before them.

RUSS

I've been thinking--

SETH

(interrupting)

Why?

RUSS

(sarcastically)

Ha-ha--not!

He slaps Seth upside his head.

RUSS (CONT'D)

I think it's time you start dating again.

SETH

I tried! But girls won't give me their

numbers--and they keep blocking me on

Facebook.

RUSS

That's never stopped me, and you know it.

Now you just need to get back in the

saddle.

SETH

Why do people always say that? "Get back

in the saddle"? It's like, "Hello? It's

not a horse I'm trying to mount!"

RUSS

Dude?

SETH

What?

RUSS

Focus. (beat) I'm gonna hook you up with

the greatest social institution.

SETH

You're getting me a hooker?

RUSS

No, but you're close: a blind date. Her

name is Charlotte.

SETH

Waitress?

RUSS

No. She cleans rooms at the Motel 6 in

West Hollywood--that's how I met her.

(beat) Long story.

Anna approaches them, sitting across from them.

ANNA

Hey, guys. Whatcha reading? Porn?

She grabs the tops of their books.

ANNA (CONT'D)

This trick is so old.

She forcibly lowers them flatout on the table. There's no

material in between the opened sections.

ANNA (CONT'D)

You're reading Japanese now?

SETH

You can't?

EXT. CHARLOTTE'S HOUSE. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT

Seth's holding a BOUQUET of flowers. He RINGS her bell.

Instantly, a four year old boy, JEB, swings the door open.

SETH (CONT'D)

Hey there. I'm here for Charlotte.

Without a word, Jeb waves him in. He ENTERS. Jeb shuts the

door behind him.

INT. CHARLOTTE'S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Seth and Jeb are sitting across from each other. Jeb takes

up a POLAROID CAMERA, and takes Seth's picture. He places

the developing POLAROID into his pocket, sticking out

slightly.

SETH (CONT'D)

So you like photography? I had a camera

like that when I was your age. Didn't

know they still had film for them.

CHARLOTTE (V.O.)

(coming from down a hall)

Jeb! Can you come in my room for a sec?

Jeb gets up and goes down the hall.

SETH

(to himself)

Maybe I was a little older.

Jeb returns, without the Polaroid. He looks up at Seth.

JEB

Are you my new daddy?

SFX - THE ACTION THEME FROM "THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN"

Bolting up, Seth goes for the open window and dives through

it.

SFX - SETH LANDS IN SHRUBS

SFX - RUNNING

SFX - SETH'S CAR PEELING OFF

The beautiful CHARLOTTE ENTERS the living room. She kneels

down and hugs Jeb and gives him a CANDY BAR.

CHARLOTTE

You're the greatest little brother ever!

EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. ATHLETICS FIELD \- MORNING

Russ is dressed in his gym cloths, shorts and all. He's

jogging laps around the track. Seth, also jogging laps,

runs up to him. They both leave the track and stop by a

bench. Russ picks up a BOTTLE OF LEMON-LIME GATORADE off

the bench and opens it and takes a slurp.

RUSS

Hey dude, how'd your date go?

Seth takes the bottle, pulls open the front of Russ' gym

shorts and pours the Gatorade down. The bottle is almost

full, so it takes a few seconds; Russ doesn't resist. He

casually keeps his hands at his side. There's a pause.

RUSS (CONT'D)

So how did it go?

Seth nods.

SETH

Not so good.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - MORNING

Two teams of HOT GIRLS are playing volleyball. Seth and

Russ are standing high on the bleachers, watching. Russ

takes out a HACKEY SACK.

RUSS

Have you ever heard of the hackey sack

intro?

SETH

Once...(beat)...is that like "Two Girls,

One Cup"?

RUSS

Yeah. That was a good movie. But no, I'm

talking about the one using an actual

hackey sack.

He holds up the beanbag.

RUSS (CONT'D)

You over think things. We need to strip

this down to the simplest decision-

making possibility. Throw this blindly

into a crowd of hot girls. Whoever catches

it, you ask out.

Seth turns his back to the hot volleyball players...

REAR SHOT - SETH

...and tosses it over his shoulder. Someone can be heard

catching it. Seth turns around and looks down. Lance has

caught it. Apparently, he's playing with the girls.

LANCE

Yoo-hoo! Did you loose your hackey sack?

SETH

No. I'd better not.

CUT TO:

Another toss over the shoulder. Seth turns. This time a hot

girl, STELLA, has caught it.

SETH

Hey! Thanks for catching it for me! Do you

want to go out?

STELLA

Sure!

SETH

Great! (beat) What's your name?

INT. A FANCY RESTAURANT. DINING AREA - EVENING

TWO SHOT - SETH AND STELLA

Seth and Stella are in formal wear, seating across from each other. There's a little CANDLE in between them. Seth withdraws a BOOK OF MATCHES.

SETH (CONT'D)

Here, let me light this.

He withdraws and strikes a MATCH. He lights the candle.

SETH (CONT'D)

Y'know, I should warn you: I've been

going out more often after a messy

breakup...

He shakes the match out. He tosses the extinguished match over his shoulder.

SETH (CONT'D)

...and something always goes wrong.

WIDE OUT

An entire wall behind Seth is suddenly engulfed in flames.

SFX - A WOMAN SCREAMS

A WAITER runs up with a FIRE EXTINGUISHER and begins to put

it out.

SETH (CONT'D)

(ashamedly)

See.

STELLA

I should have seen it, but I'm not even

sure what just happened.

We PAN OVER to another table across the retaurant. Anna, in

a formal gown, is on a date with a nerdish fellow, the UCLA

JERK.

UCLA JERK

Twenty hours of community service with

Habitat for Humanity--twenty hours--don't

get me wrong, I'm okay with that. Coz,

y'know, UCLA likes its new freshman to be,

y'know, active in the community--but c'mon!

Isn't twenty hours enough? That's like my

eleventh grade chemistry teacher, Dr.

Udell--now I'm not sure if he was Russian

or Ukranian--and I'm okay with that, I

mean--but it's just helpful to know; I

don't want to offend him. Some people are

okay with saying things that are offensive-and

I'm okay with that because this is

America, y'know, and our founding fathers

intended all of us to have freedom of

speech, not just the ones with something

popular to say. Do you like that? I just

thought of that right now. Maybe you don't,

and I'm okay with that, but if you didn't

like it, I'd want to know coz I don't want

to be in UCLA and throw out a bad line at a

party.

Anna rubs her temples in sheer annoyance.

UCLA JERK (CONT'D)

Maybe he was Russian--do you know him?

EXT. FANCY RESTAURANT. ALLEY - EVENING

There are two windows perpendicular to each other--one is

connected to the men's room, the other's the ladies' room.

Seth and Anna both open and place a leg over the sill at

the same time.

ANNA

Wow, this is an awkward coincidence.

SETH

I hear you, sister.

There's thirty seconds of silence.

SETH (CONT'D)

So...(beat)...how's it going?

ANNA

I have a leg out the window; I'm about

to jump and run for sweet freedom.

SETH

Me too!

There's another pause.

SETH (CONT'D)

Look, this is crazy, Anna. It's two

stories. You can break something.

ANNA

And I'm okay with that. Damnit! Now I

need to be deprogrammed. Why are you

ditching your date?

SETH

She thinks Val Kilmer was the best

Batman.

ANNA

Dumb bitch.

SETH

I know.

There's another pause.

SETH (CONT'D)

Okay, look, on the count of three, we'll

both go back into the restroom, go into

the restaurant and try to enjoy

ourselves, okay? Neither of us will jump.

ANNA

Sounds good.

SETH

One, two,...

They both slowly ease into the restrooms.

SETH (CONT'D)

...three!

They leap out the windows, grab each other and fall. They

land in an open dumpster. The dumpster's lids close after

them. The lids rise. They stand up, giggling like morons.

He has a half-empty CAN OF BEER in his hand. He tilts his

head back, beginning to chug the rest up.

ANNA

(in a patronizing tone)

Seth, remember what I told you about

putting stuff you find in the trash in

your mouth?

Seth finishes the beer. He throws the can. It lands

somewhere with a CLANG. Then he scratches his right cheek

with his finger suggestively.

SETH

Anna, you've got a little...

ANNA

What?

SETH

You have a little...(beat)...condom on

your cheek.

She YELPS and brushes a USED CONDOM off her cheek.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - MORNING

Russ and STONER JEFF and STEVE are in a circle, kicking

around the old hackey sack. Seth ENTERS and grabs the hackeysack in midair and takes off with it. Worried, Russ

follows.

RUSS

Dude? Dude?

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. MEN'S RESTROOM - MORNING

The two ENTER the restroom. Seth leads Russ to the stall

farthest from the door. He swings the door wide open and

tosses the beanbag into the toilet...

SETH

I'll see you in Hell, hackey sack!

...and depresses the flush handle with his foot--WHOOSH!-and

the toy gets stuck in the hole. Disappointed, he

repeatedly tries to flush it, with Russ looking on in

surprise.

SETH (CONT'D)

See you...(beat)...see you...(beat)...

see--

Clogged, the toilet begins to overflow...as does all the

urinals behind them. They see this.

SETH (CONT'D)

Oh my God! We've started some kind of

chain reaction! Always with me and the

toilets!

Running out--with the sinks backing up and overflowing-Seth

pounds open an unlocked stall door. Three BULLIES have

turned a NERD upside down, stuffing his head in the bowl.

BULLY #1

(to the nerd)

This is for bringing up the grading curve!

Russ stops to warn them.

RUSS

Run!

Russ continues running.

BULLY #2

Let's get'im out!

BULLY #1

(places a hand on #2's shoulder)

It's too late for him.

They all run for it, leaving the nerd alone in the rising

waters, his arms and legs flaying skyward.

NERD (V.O.)

You'll all pay for this! Shit!

SHIIIIIT!!!

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. MR. GEE'S CLASS \- NOON

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (V.O.)

(over P.A. system)

Due to the massive flooding on the first

floor, hackey sacks and hackey sack

paraphernalia are hereby banned from

school premises. Although I am legally

not allowed to say the name of the

student responsible, I can tell you he's

in Mr. Gee's class right now, wearing a

Weird Al Yankovic tee under a checkered

over=shirt.

SETH

Lots of people like Weird Al.

A volley of HACKEY SACKS strike Seth from all angles, and a

CAN OF RED BULL strikes him on the side of his head.

SETH (CONT'D)

OW! He said "hackey sacks," not "Red Bull."

GUY WHO THREW RED BULL (O.S.)

"...gives you wings!"

EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. FRONT ENTRANCE - EVENING

Students are leaving school. TWO MORMONS, dressed

alike, are passing out BOOKS OF MORMON to passerbys. A GOTH

GIRL approaches them. MORMON #1 hands her a Bible.

MORMON #1

Don't go to Hell. Accept Jesus Christ.

A JEWISH BOY, wearing a YAMAKUH, approaches them. Mormon

#1 hands him a Book.

MORMON #1 (CONT'D)

Don't go to Hell. Accept Jesus Christ,

become LDS.

A MUSLIM GIRL, wearing the full Muslim dress attire,

approaches them. Mormon #1 hands her a Bible.

MORMON #1 (CONT'D)

Don't go to Hell. Accept Jesus Christ,

becomes LDS.

Seth, Russ and Anna approach them.

SETH

So, are you fun Mormons like the Mormons

in "The Book of Mormon" or obnoxious

Mormons like real-life Mormons?

The Mormons briefly consider this.

MORMON #2

Real-life Mormons.

Mormon #1 holds out a Book. Russ makes like he's about to take it. Then, with is other hand, he punches him in the gut. He kneels down, the wind knocked out of him.

RUSS

Run for the Hollywood Hills! Run for

freedom!

The three cheese it. Mormon #2 helps his friend get up.

MORMON #2

They're getting away!

MORMON #1

Quick, to the Mormonmobile!

MORMON #2

You're talking about your stationwagon?

MORMON #1

Yes.

CLOSE-UP - THE "MORMONMOBILE'S" REAR BUMPER

The vanity plate says "CONVERT." There's a BUMPERSTICKER:

"I Brake for Jesus". It "speeds"--going maybe 25 mph--off

after Seth and co. We WIDE OUT.

SFX - CLICHÉ CHASE MUSIC

Seth and the Mormons are "racing"--about 15 mph because

of traffic and their cars are so crappy--down the

residential street.

INT. SETH'S CAR - EVENING

Russ is in the backseat. Anna is riding shotgun. The

Mormons pullup on his left and Mormon #2 begins

throwing his supply of Books at them.

RUSS

Oh, man, they're throwing cheap Books of

Mormonism at us!

The Bibles bounce harmlessly off the rear side window..

RUSS (CONT'D)

They're scuffing up your window!

SETH

Damn you, Mormons! Damn you to

Purgatory!

The Mormons pull up ahead...slightly. A Book slams into

the deadcenter of the windshield, cross first. Anna

shrieks. Seth swerves for a second but corrects the car.

SETH (CONT'D)

It's okay, Anna!

He turns the wipers on. There's a small squirt of wiper

fluid, a few strokes of the wipers, and it is gone.

SETH (CONT'D)

I have a plan!

He turns on his right blinker, and checks over his shoulder.

SETH (CONT'D)

See you in Hell!

He turns the wheel a little to the right, jumping the curb

and striking--but not knocking down--a MAILBOX. They all

jerk forward but are uninjured. He narrowly misses a LITTLE

DOGGIE--it jumps outta the way, into the street. The

stationwagon stops instantly. That's how slow it was going.

INT. MORMON #1'S STATIONWAGON - EVENING

MORMON #1

Should we get out and try to help?

MORMON #2

Go, go, go!

AERIAL SHOT - THE STREET

The stationwagon peels off like a bat out of Hell. They run

over the little doggie, probably killing it.

ANNA (V.O.)

I can't believe it. You couldn't even

knock over a mailbox.

RUSS (V.O.)

This car is so weak!

INT. CATHEDRAL - DAY

CLOSE SHOT - SETH AND RUSS FROM WAIST UP

They're standing side-by-side at the altar. Their heads are

bowed and their eyes are slightly shut. Although their

hands are below sight of view, they seem to be interlocked

like in prayer. The RUNNING WATER of a fountain(?) can be

heard in the background.

SETH

(softly)

The mechanic said it'll cost me $1,500 to

fix my car.

RUSS

(softly)

$1,500?

(screaming)

Jesus Christ!

(softly again)

Yeah, there he is.

He looks up for a second. So does Seth.

INSERT - A LIFE-SIZE JESUS ON A CROSS ABOVE THE PULPIT

They both return their gaze back down.

SETH

So, I'm just going to buy a new used one

tomorrow.

RUSS

Great. I'll come with you--because, you

know, everything is funnier when I'm

around. I make things an adventure.

SETH

You sure do.

The water sounds stop. Seth makes an upward jerking motion

with his right arm.

SFX - ZIPPER

WIDE OUT

Seth turns to leave.

RUSS

Wait up!

He turns quickly, zipping up his fly as he follows him.

They're almost out of the great cathedral. A PRIEST turns

the corner, coming toward them. Russ stops for a moment and

pats him on the shoulder.

RUSS (CONT'D)

(to priest)

Thanks for letting us use the bathroom,

padre.

He then hurries out, following Seth.

PRIEST

Bathroom?

EXT. CATHEDRAL. EAVES - DAY

A flock of PIGEONS is peacefully priming and COOING.

PRIEST (V.O.)

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Startled, the pigeons fly off.

EXT. THE REAL AMERICAN STÄN USED CAR DEALERSHIP - DAY

THE REAL AMERICAN STÄN, a young Eastern European man--he

speaks with the accent--wearing a "used carsalesman" suit-(

you know the outfit)--approaches them.

STÄN

Hello, my friends.

Excited, Russ grabs Seth's arm.

RUSS

I can't believe it! It's the real Real

American Stän! I see your ads on early

morning TV all the time! Dude!

STÄN

Dude!

RUSS

Dude!

STÄN

Dude!

RUSS

Okay, that's enough. Can I have your

autograph?

Russ hands him a PEN and PAD.

STÄN

Okie-dokie, brokie.

Stän signs the pad and gives it back to Russ. Russ closes

it without first looking at the signature.

STÄN (CONT'D)

What cans I do for you today now?

SETH

My car's broke.

STÄN

Problems with your transmission?

SETH

No. Mormons. I need a new used car--one

that isn't crappy.

STÄN

Right. No crappy car for you for today.

He takes him by the hand and leads him to a BLUE COMPACT.

STÄN (CONT'D)

How about this little baby? It comes in

the blue. Get in!

Seth and Russ get in. Stän bends over, peering through the

open driver side window.

STÄN (CONT'D)

Try it on, with you and your boyfriend.

SETH

Oh, no, we're not toget--

STÄN

(interrupting)

Nooooo, you don't have to explain it to

me. I'm not the Mr. Reverend Jerry Falwell.

Russ removes the car's CIGARETTE LIGHTER.

RUSS

(to Seth)

Look, honey! A cigarette lighter!

He touches the tip with the palm of his hand.

RUSS (CONT'D)

OW!!!

He shakes his singed hand. Seth turns his attention back to

the dealer.

SETH

I don't know. I better take it for a

test drive first.

STÄN

What? You don't trust the Real American

Stän? I am insulted and a little bit

amused about this. Tell you what I'm

gonna do: I'm gonna take $500 off the

ticket price, eh?

SETH

I don't know--

STÄN

(interrupting)

What? You want my pants, too?

He UNZIPS his fly. Having probably practiced, he's super

quick in taking them off. He throws them through the open

window. Confused, Seth catches them.

STÄN (CONT'D)

There! You just stole my pants, you

thieving perv. Now I have to call the

police on you.

He removes his CELL PHONE and begins dialing.

STÄN (CONT'D)

You better start running now.

SETH

No! I need a car! Help me, Stän!

He terminates the call.

STÄN

Okay. Let's talk now in my office-

RUSS

OW!!!

Russ is shaking his hand again. He again singed himself

with the lighter.

SETH

Do you want me to bring your pants?

STÄN

Yes. In my office, now.

Stän walks toward his office. Seth and Russ get out and

follow.

SETH

I don't know why, but I trust him.

Russ checks his pad for the first time.

RUSS

He signed his name "Steve."

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. CLASSROOM - DAY

Seth, Russ and Anna are sitting in the same class.

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (V.O.)

(over intercom)

Good morning, class. It is my...(beat)...

pleasure, I guess, to announce the

following students have been accepted to

USC: Anna Blackov--Anna Blackövone--Anna

Black!

The class APPLAUDS softly. Anna nods.

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (CONT'D, V.O.)

(over intercom)

Seth--thank God--Anderson.

The class APPLAUDS softly. Seth turns to Anna.

SETH

I feel a "boo-ya" coming on.

They congratulate each other by softly striking their forearms together.

SETH (CONT'D)

Boo-ya!

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (V.O.)

(over intercom)

And, finally, Russell Moore.

The class APPLAUDS softly.

RUSS

Wa-hoo! Yay me!

Russ quickly draws a GLOCK and fires two quick celebratory

rounds into the "air." Everyone in the class ducks under

their desk. Russ is confused.

RUSS (CONT'D)

What? (beat) I have second amendment

rights--read the Constitution! If God

didn't want us to protect ourselves, what

about cactuses?

DREAM SEQUENCE

EXT. DESERT - DAY

Russ is sticking SODA CANS onto the needles of a medium

size CACTUS which is partially off-screen.

RUSS (CONT'D)

(to himself)

He-he! Stupid cactus!

SFX - GUNSHOT

Russ is blown away, landing off-screen with a tremendous

THUD. We quickly PAN OVER and see the cactus is "holding" a

large REVOLVER.

END DREAM SEQUENCE - BACK TO SCENE

RUSS (CONT'D)

Right. School violence. Fair enough.

He puts the firearm away.

EXT. PLAYGROUND. BASKETBALL COURT. SOUTH CENTRAL - DAY

Derek, dressed in a REFEREE'S UNIFORM, is standing before

nine lined up AFRICAN AMERICAN PLAYERS, ages 8-10.

DEREK

Well, sorry, kids. There's only nine of

you. We need one more player to even the

teams out or someone has to sit out.

SETH (O.S.)

Did somebody say you need another player?

CUT TO:

Seth. Dressed to play in new basketball jersey and shorts,

with a BASKETBALL in hand, his car's headlights are shining

bright behind him, making him look all self-important.

CUT TO:

Derek and the children are looking at the stranger.

BOY #1

Look! It's Larry Bird!

The children are in awe. Derek squints.

DEREK

No. But you're close.

CUT TO:

Seth.

SETH

I've always wanted to learn how to play

basketball, and I brought my own ball. We

can use it as a spare.

CUT TO:

Boy #1.

BOY #1

Let's do this muther.

CUT TO:

Seth and the kids playing. Seth is dribbling the ball, preparing to go for the basket. Boy #1 is blocking him.

SETH

This court's my home! No one steals the

pill in my home!

BOY #1

You don't even live in this neighborhood,

man!

SETH

My family came here on the Mayflower.

CUT TO:

BOY #2 has the ball, dribbling it. Seth is looming over

him, blocking him.

SETH (CONT'D)

You think you're tough? You think you're

tough?

BOY #2

Yeah!

SETH

That's not what your momma said

yesterday--when I saw her naked.

The boy stops dribbling the ball. Holding it, he suddenly

breaks into tears.

BOY #2

My mom's dead!

SETH

I said what I said.

He snatches the ball out of the boy's hands; runs and slam

dunks it.

ONE SHOT - SETH

He's standing in a crouching position by the out of bounds

line, hands prepped to receive the ball.

SETH (CONT'D)

I'm open! Here, here!

Someone tosses him the ball. It misses him by about three

feet to the left and is out of bounds.

SFX - WHISTLE

DEREK (O.S.)

Out of bounds!

SETH

Oh? So I could have moved? I thought that

it was like baseball.

CUT TO:

Seth's holding the ball, dragging the five members of the

opposing team latched onto his legs and back.

SFX - WHISTLE

DEREK (O.S.)

Traveling!

CUT TO:

BOY #3 has possession of the ball, going for the basket.

Seth strikes him in the chest with a PILLOWCASE half-filled with metal spheres. The boy lands on his ass and loses

possession of the ball.

SFX - WHISTLE

DEREK (CONT'D, O.S.)

Pillowcase full of doorknobs!

SETH

(to Derek)

I told you, I don't know the rules!

CUT TO:

The two teams are prepared for the tip-off. Derek is about to toss the ball in the air.

SFX - POLICE SIRENS

Red and blue strobe light illuminates the court. Guns drawn, a dozen white LAPD OFFICERS circle the court.

LAPD OFFICER #1

Freeze, LAPD!

Seth bolts, running through an opening in the wall of blue.

SETH

You're on your own, kids!

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

Seth, sweating hard, runs in. He double checks behind him.

No one followed him.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself, short-winded)

That was close.

He walks to the drink fridge and is confronted with a wall

of over two dozen different brands of BOTTLED WATER. He

regards the wall for a moment. Then opens the door.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

I think I want...

He takes a BOTTLE OF ARROWHEAD.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

...Arrowhead--no!

He puts the bottle back. He picks up a BOTTLE OF SPARTLETS.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

Spartlets.

(nods)

Yeah. That'll shake things up.

From across an aisle, Anna sees him and walks up to him.

ANNA

Seth!

SETH

Hey, beautiful stranger.

ANNA

You're all sweaty.

SETH

Yeah, I was playing basketball with

Derek and some other guys, then I had to

run from the cops.

ANNA

Oh.

SETH

Yeah.

Heading to the counter, they walk through the hygiene aisle.

SETH (CONT'D)

I don't smell, do I?

ANNA

Like wet roadkill.

Seth stops. Anna stops too. He picks up a CAN OF DEODORANT,

pops off the top, shakes it. He SPRAYS some under each arm.

SETH

Y'know, sweat doesn't actually smell.

What you're smelling is the shit of the

microbes living on my skin.

ANNA

(sarcastically)

That's much less gross.

He recaps the can and places it back on the shelf.

SETH

That's what I think.

ANNA

Now, putting the can back is just wrong.

SETH

It's only wrong if it's roll-on.

CUT TO:

Seth and Anna are waiting in line. Anna looks down at the

many cigarette ads posted in front of the counter.

SETH (CONT'D)

You do know why they keep cigarette ads

that low, don't you? Well, it all goes back

to the Reagan administration.

FLASHBACK

INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY. 1982

The cigarette ads are up high, over the counter instead of

on the counter. An African American BOY, age six, waits in

line to pay for some CANDY. A tall MAN in a suit is

standing over him, "reading" a NEWSPAPER that is also

covering his face. The man lowers the paper. It's PRESIDENT

RONALD REAGAN. He bends over and addresses the boy.

PRESIDENT REAGAN

Hey, kiddo. You wanna look up there?

He motions to the overhead advertisements with the folded

up newspaper. The boy looks at this stranger like he's

crazy.

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

Anna just nods.

EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. PARKING LOT - MORNING

The entire senior class is lined up against a school bus.

Principal Escobar walks down the line, talking to the

students. Stoner Jeff places a JOINT in his mouth and

lights it.

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR

Today is our senior trip to the

planetarium.

Escobar takes the joint out of Jeff's mouth and licks his

thumb and forefinger and puts it out with them and places

the doobie in his pocket.

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR (CONT'D)

We used to go to Disneyland for our

senior trip, until someone in last

year's class reposed the Seven Dwarves

and it was no longer the happiest place

on Earth.

Bullies #1-3 are all standing together, of course.

BULLY #1

Hey, Principal Escobar, are we gonna see

Uranus?

The three laugh, congratulating each other.

INT. THE SCHOOL BUS - DAY

Seth and Anna are sitting next to each other on the right

side, with Seth having the windowseat. Looking tired, his

head is softly pressed against the glass.

SETH

(softly)

"Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress

for the band/Pretty eyed, pirate smile,

you'll marry a music man/Ballerina, you

must have seen her dancing in the sand/

And now she's in me, always with me,

tiny dancer in my hand..."

The other STUDENTS are waking up, paying attention. There's

a lot of GRUMBLING in the background.

STUDENT #1 (O.S.)

No, c'mon!

STUDENT #2 (O.S.)

Shut up!

STUDENT #3 (O.S.)

That movie underperformed at the box

office and only received marginal

attention from the Academy of Motion

Picture Arts and Sciences!

CUT TO:

Russ. He's sitting in the aisle seat across from Seth and

Anna. He removes a LUNCHABLES pack, opens it and begins

stacking a snack.

ANNA

(to Russ)

There's no eating on the bus.

RUSS

Screw that! The bus driver has better

things to do than keep us from eating.

CUT TO:

The bus driver. She's looking intently at the rearview

mirror.

BUS DRIVER (V.O.)

I sure hope nobody's eating--

The bus goes over a large "bump." The bus driver snaps back

to attention, keeping her eyes on the road.

BUS DRIVER (CONT'D, V.O.)

(nervously)

That was a bump! Yeah. The kids'll back

me up.

(suspiciously)

Or will they?

CUT TO:

The pretty girl sitting next to Russ, TERI RUSSELL, is

eyeing his snack kit.

TERI

Can I get one of those?

RUSS

Yeah, what else do you want, blood?

CLOSE-UP - THE LUNCHABLE'S CHEESE COMPARTMENT

All of the slices of cheese are, of course, stuck together

in one block.

RUSS (CONT'D, O.S.)

Ah! My cheese! Fused together in one

damned clump forever!

BACK TO SCENE

TERI

I have nails.

She shows him her nails. He turns to her.

RUSS

We got off on the wrong foot.

He takes a hand off the kit and holds it out to her.

RUSS (CONT'D)

Hi. I'm Russell Moore. You know what

they say: Moore is better.

She shakes his hand.

TERI

My name's Teri Russell. You know what

they say:...(beat)...Teri!

He nods idiotically.

RUSS

Okay.

CUT TO:

Anna looks to her left to see what's going on.

ANNA

Where the hell did you get that?

We quickly PAN OVER to Russ and Terri. Russ is spraying Teri's face and neck with whipped cream and is licking it

off her. Teri's giggling.

RUSS

I bring it with me wherever.

CUT TO:

Seth is still resting his head against the window. Russ nudges Anna with his elbow.

RUSS (CONT'D)

This is something that you do when you're

on a road trip.

(to the bus driver)

Are we there yet?

CUT TO:

The bus driver slowly applies the brakes.

BUS DRIVER

Yes. Yes we are.

INT. THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY. PLANET SCALES - DAY

Lance is standing on the EARTH SCALE.

LANCE

(to himself)

165? Oh, no more weiners will touch these

lips anytime soon.

Teri steps on the JUPITER SCALE.

TERI

400 pounds? I'm fat!

She bursts into tears. Trying to comfort her, Russ places

his hand on her shoulder.

RUSS

Yeah, on Jupiter.

She sobs into his shoulder.

TERI

One day we'll go to Jupiter!

RUSS

(reassuringly)

I think you're thin. (beat) You wanna go

find a broom closet and screw?

She lifts her head, wipes her nose with the back of her

hand.

TERI

Sure.

CLOSE SHOT - THE BROOM CLOSET'S DOOR

The door swings open. Body parts strategically obscured,

Russ an Teri are naked. They're embracing each other in

fear and embarrassment. The JANITOR who opened the door is

holding a MOP. Russ hangs his head low in shame.

RUSS

(guiltily)

Please don't judge us.

EXT. THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY - AFTERNOON

Seth, Stoner Jeff and Anna look out at L.A. It's humid and

smoggy.

ANNA

Wow. The city is really gray today.

SETH

(excitedly)

You know where we're standing?

The two are silent.

SETH (CONT'D)

This is the exact spot where James Dean

and what's-his-face had that knife fight

in "Rebel Without a Cause."

He removes a KODAK FUNSAVER CAMERA, and takes a flash

picture of the ground.

SETH (CONT'D)

What was that other guy's name?

ANNA

I think he died of a drug overdose.

INSERT - STOCK FOOTAGE OF THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN

SFX - THE FIRST BAR OF "HOORAY FOR HOLLYWOOD"

SETH

(sarcastically)

Yeah, that narrows it down.

Stoner Jeff points.

STONER JEFF

Hey. Tony Aiello's hitting on Lysandra.

CUT TO:

TONY AIELLO, a stereotypical Italian American teen--tight

blue jeans, slicked back hair, leather jacket--has Lysandra

against a wall, playing with her hair and speaking softly.

CUT TO:

Seth is getting angry.

ANNA

Seth, just walk away.

He ignores her, walking up with fists clenched.

SETH

Yo! "Swaggerpuss"! Get your stinkin'

"Jersey Shore"-watching hands off my

girl!

He gets right in Tony's face.

TONY

Wha?

LYSANDRA

(embarrassed)

Oh God...

SETH

Out of the way, Ly.

He shoves her out of his way.

SETH (CONT'D)

This doesn't involve you!

Tony gets in Seth's face.

TONY

That's no ways to be treating a lady.

He shoves Seth. Seth reels back several feet. Tony draws a

SWITCHBLADE, presses the trigger. A four-inch long blade

pops out. Seth holds his arms out defensively.

SETH

Whoa, whoa there, you kookie

knickerbocker, wait--

Then he quickly draws a SWITCHBLADE and presses the

trigger...

SETH (CONT'D)

Ha! I got one of those too!

He gets into a fighting stance.

SETH (CONT'D)

Go back to New York, you greasy I-talian

hood! No offense, Danny Purtelli.

We quickly PAN OVER to another Fonzi-esque teen, DANNY

PURTELLI. He shrugs.

DANNY

It's okays, you's good people.

We quickly PAN OVER to Anna and Stoner Jeff.

ANNA

God, where's the principal when we need

him?

EXT. THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY. PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON

The bus driver is near the front door, reading a COPY OF

DAILY VARIETY. Escobar is on the other side, by the rear,

smoking the joint he seized earlier. He takes a long, deep

breath and then exhales a column of smoke, satisfied. The

driver takes her eyes off the newspaper and looks over in

his direction. He turns to her.

ESCOBAR

What?

She quickly turns her attention back to the paper.

EXT. THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY - AFTERNOON

SFX - CLICHÉ RETRO KNIFE-FIGHT MUSIC

STUDENTS are loosely gathered around the combatants. Tony

lunges at Seth. He dodges it, but Tony begins to slash

away--left, right--forcing Seth to the railing along the

ledge. Cocky, Tony begins to toss the knife into his right

and left hand. Seth swipes the air, knocking the knife out

of his possession. Then he grabs him by the jacket and plunges the knife into his gut. Tony looks shocked for a

moment. We PAN OVER to a souvenir stand with a large sign

reading: "JAMES DEAN PLASTIC 'SWITCHBLADE' STAND." We PAN

OVER back to Seth and Tony. Seth removes the not bloody

knife from Tony's not punctured belly. He looks at the

knife, then realization sets in.

SETH

(to himself)

Oh, right.

Seth drops the knife and shoves him. Tony reels back, then

charges forward and punches him in the eye. Tony swings at

him with a right hook. Seth dodges; his fist SMACKS into

the concrete wall.

TONY

Ow! My best pinkie-ring finger!

He swings at him with his left. Seth dodges; his fist

strikes the wall.

TONY (CONT'D)

Ow! There goes the other one! Well, I'm

done with this.

(to Lysandra)

I'll be seeing you later.

He then turns and quickly walks away.

SETH

Yeah, you better run--I'll kick your ass

in a you-know-what minute!

Anna walks up to Seth.

SETH (CONT'D)

He can't do that--can he do that? (beat)

I won a fight by default.

(happily)

Alright! Default, default!

EXT. THE GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY. PARKING LOT - DUSK

The students are again lined up to enter the bus. Russ runs

up to Seth.

RUSS

(excitedly)

Look at what I got:...

He removes out of his pocket a pair of ordinary COTTON

PANTIES and holds them up proudly.

RUSS (CONT'D)

(excitedly)

...Teri's panties!

There's a moment of silence between the two. Russ is still

holding up the underwear, his enthusiasm dulled somewhat.

RUSS (CONT'D)

(explaining)

She's a lot hotter than her panties.

INT. ANNA'S HOUSE. DINING ROOM - EVENING

Seth is sitting in a chair. The area around his eye is

swelling a little. Anna puts a SLAB OF BEEF on his eye.

SETH

Ow!

He removes the steak, looking closely at it.

SETH (CONT'D)

This has salt on it!

ANNA

Salt gives it flavor.

He cautiously places it back on his face.

ANNA (CONT'D)

I don't know why you do this--really.

SETH

Ly will come back to me. Then everything

will be better.

ANNA

Damnit, Seth! When your ex has been

blowing you off for the past five months,

that is no longer playing hard to get!

You passed "hard to get" four months ago!

"Hard to get" is standing on the side of

the road, waving at you goodbye! You were

miserable when you were together--you're

just too stupid to see it!

Seth is tearing up.

SETH

(hurt)

Don't call me stupid. I'm not stupid.

Tears flow down his cheeks.

SETH (CONT'D)

And I'll have you know this...

Crying, he points to his swelling eyes.

SETH (CONT'D)

...is because of the salt!

SFX - TEA KETTLE WHISTLE

ANNA

That's the tea.

She EXITS the dining room.

SETH

(calling after her)

And stupid was putting salt on the meat!

CUT TO:

Anna, ENTERING the dining room from the kitchen, carrying a

small TEA TRAY with two CUPS.

ANNA

Seth?

POV - ANNA

The meat's on the table; Seth is gone.

EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT

The rain is coming down hard. Seth is not dressed for this. His head down, his hands in his pockets, he walks along

these lonely avenues. A CAR passing too close to the curb

splashes him. He keeps walking. Another, larger CAR passing

too close splashes him. He keep walking. A small TRUCK

momentarily veers onto the wrongside of the road, passes

too close to the curb and really splashes him. This makes

him stop.

SETH

(to himself, heavenward)

Oh, come on!

He continues walking. A COMPACT CAR slowly approaches and

follows him. Seth turns and yells at the driver.

SETH (CONT'D)

Go ahead and splash me. Everyone else is!

The front passnger side window rolls down. Anna's behind

the wheel.

ANNA

Seth, it's me.

SETH

I know!

ANNA

I'm sorry I called you stupid. Now

please get in the car. It's five miles to

your house--you'll catch the cold.

SETH

No, you get out and walk with me.

ANNA

I can't.

SETH

Why?

ANNA

It's cold and wet. Think of my nipples.

He smiles a little.

ANNA (CONT'D)

That's right--I said it. Nip-ples. I see

you're smiling, that always cheers you up.

SETH

Maybe a little...(beat)...I guess.

They both stop. He opens the unlocked door. He gets in.

INT. ANNA'S CAR - EVENING

He closes the door.

ANNA

C'mon. I'll take you home with me first

to dry off.

INT. ANNA'S HOUSE. ANNA'S ROOM - EVENING

Seth, still morose, is standing in the middle of her room,

dripping on her carpet. Anna ENTERS, carrying a fresh

BLANKET. She drapes it over him and gently leads him to her

BED. Seth approaches the bed but stops shy of sitting on it.

SETH

No. I don't deserve to sit; I should

stand. No. I don't deserve to stand; I

should kneel.

He kneels down at Anna's feet.

SETH (CONT'D)

Kneel against this bed.

He leans back, resting against the bed.

SETH (CONT'D)

Lysandra and I--we've been together ever

since we discovered that our bodies have

interconnecting parts. I'm a failure. If

this is over--if we are over--I'd have

wasted my entire life. (beat) How are you

suppose to start over?

There's almost anger building in Anna's voice:

ANNA

Goddamnit, you're such a great guy; why

can't you see that?

Seth is tuning her out.

SETH

I just want to be the man she'd want me

to be.

ANNA

What's wrong with who you are?

She wraps her arms around his head and slowly brings them

closer to each other. He softly resists.

SETH

Oh, no, don't hug me. Then--

His face is now buried in her chest. He embraces her,

wrapping his arms around her waist.

SETH (CONT'D)

(slightly muffled)

You're hugging me now.

EXT. MANN'S THEATER - EVENING

INSERT SHOT - MOVIE POSTER

It's a poster for the new Zac Efron movie: "HOW I

GOT THE GIRL"--just a stupid romcom. Underneath it is a little slide-in panel proclaiming: "PREMIERE."

WIDE OUT

Seth, Anna and Russ are in the ticket line. Russ has

several BOXES OF CANDY in his hands.

RUSS

Quick, Anna, shove these Ju-ju Bees in

your panties. We'll smuggle them in.

Anna opens her PURSE.

ANNA

Y'know, I have plenty of room in my

purse.

RUSS

Yeah, I know. I just wanted to see if

you'd do it--

(turns to Seth)

This is just like old times.

CLOSE SHOT - SETH

He's looking at the timetable over the ticketcounter, his

attention diverted.

SETH

Yeah. And you used to say you were going

to get something out of the car and not

return until we bought your ticket--

He turns to Russ again.

BACK TO SCENE

Russ is gone.

SETH (CONT'D)

Russ?

(looks around Anna)

Russ?

Anna turns.

ANNA

I knew I just felt a breeze.

INT. MANN'S THEATER - EVENING

The three are watching the movie, munching POPCORN, ETC.

Anna leans over to Seth.

ANNA (CONT'D)

(whispering)

Is this the movie where the girl's

father's against her relationship or the

one where the girl's girlfriends are

against the relationship or are the

guy's guy friends against the relation

or does the guy already have a girlfriend

who he's trying to stay loyal to but is

finding it hard because she's not his

soulmate?

SETH

(whispering)

Why do you even pay to go to movies?

Russ releases an exaggerated "shh" that's noiser than both

of them.

ANNA

(simultaneously whispering)

Sorry.

SETH

(simultaneously whispering)

Sorry.

The two giggle a little. We PAN OVER to Stoners Jeff and

Steve, who are seated several rows behind them. They have

plenty of SNACKS, what with the marijuana use and all.

STONER STEVE

You never see Mila Kunis in teen movies--

I mean, almost never. She never did teen

movies.

STONER JEFF

Oh, you know she has a penis.

STONER STEVE

Who?

STONER JEFF

Mila Kunis.

STONER STEVE

"That 70s Show's" Mila Kunis? The 2012

Esquire sexiest woman alive--she has a

penis?

STONER JEFF

I'm telling you, Mila Kunis has a penis.

STONER STEVE

She does not!

STONER JEFF

She does! That's why she had a body

double for "Friends With Benefits"; she

was concerned people would see her Polish

sausage.

STONER STEVE

Hey, Anna! Is it true? Does Mila Kunis

have a penis?

ANNA (O.S.)

Not all us Russian chicks know each

other! And yes! Yes, she does!

Seth turns his head.

SETH

What? Do you guys just follow us around?

STONER STEVE

(guiltily)

We're trying to expand our clique.

EXT. MANN'S THEATER - NIGHT

INSERT - MOVIE POSTER

The poster holder is swung open. A hand slides out the

"PREMIERE" card and slides in one saying "NOW PLAYING." It

then slides out the poster and slides in a POSTER FOR AN

ENTIRELY DIFFERENT MOVIE.

WIDE OUT

Seth and Anna EXIT the theater.

ANNA

Where's Russ?

SETH

Oh, he got a text while you were in the

bathroom. He left early to get a booty

call from Teri. Or she's giving him a

booty call. I don't know--one thing's

certain: A booty will be called.

ANNA

I guess some people just can't appreciate

the genius of Zac Efron

SETH

Definetly. He's like a young John Cusack.

But without the creepy sister.

They step onto the boulevard.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD - NIGHT

Seth and Anna are walking along the Walk of Fame.

SETH (CONT'D)

I love Hollywood at night.

ANNA

Yeah.

There's a drunk VAGRANT passed out on the middle of the

sidewalk. They stop. Seth stretches his legs wide and steps

over the wino. Then he holds out his hand to Anna. She

takes it, and he assists her step over him like a pond.

ANNA (CONT'D)

Thank you.

They keep on writing. They're about to pass a young bareankled man wearing a tightly bound BROWN TRENCHCOAT--obviously a FLASHER.

FLASHER

Hey, buddy.

They both stop and face him.

FLASHER (CONT'D)

Look at this.

REAR SHOT - FLASHER

He unfurls his coat and spreads his arms out wide. Anna is

shielding her eyes, and Seth is staring at it.

ONE SHOT - FLASHER

He's dressed but wearing SHORTS. On the lining of the coat is attached a dozen SCREENPLAYS.

BACK TO SCENE

FLASHER (CONT'D)

Wanna buy a screenplay? How 'bout a nice

romantic comedy?

He removes a screenplay from the coat.

FLASHER (CONT'D)

I'll option it to you for just five-

figures!

He holds it out to Anna. Seth tries to help her divert her

eyes.

SETH

Don't look, Anna--that's what he wants!

Seth grabs her forearm and hurriedly gets them away from

the flasher.

FLASHER

(holding the script up, calling

after them)

It'll be perfect for Julia Roberts!

He gives up. They're gone. He turns and sees someone off-

screen.

FLASHER (CONT'D)

Hey, lady! You a producer?

Script high in hand, he runs off-screen.

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. SETH'S ROOM - PROM NIGHT

ONE SHOT - SETH

He's wearing his TUX. This is the best he's ever looked in

his life.

SETH

Oh my God. You look so good. Someone

should call heaven, because there's an

angel missing!

Anna, wearing her PROM DRESS, appears behind him.

ANNA

Seth, if you're done, Teri and Russ are

waiting downstairs.

WIDE OUT

Seth's checking himself out in a full-length MIRROR.

SETH

I'll be down in a minute.

Anna EXITS. Seth turns, bends his knees and begins to check

out his butt in the mirror, feeling himself.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to himself)

I'd like to go home with that tonight--

wait! I will be!

INT. SETH'S HOUSE. LIVING ROOM - PROM NIGHT

Seth ENTERS. Anna and Teri are lounging about. Russ is

wearing the whole prom getup--including the TOP HAT, SCARF

and a wand-like CANE, which he's twirling around like a

baton.

SETH (CONT'D)

Russ. You have a cane. Why do you have a

cane?

Russ walks the short distance to him and taps him on the

chest with the tip.

RUSS

I think the question is: Why don't you

have a cane?

SETH

Touché.

SFX - CAR HORN

SETH (CONT'D)

That's Derek and his date.

(to everyone)

"Everybody ready? Cuz here we go!"

EXT. SETH'S HOUSE. FRONT DOOR - PROM NIGHT

Seth closes the door behind them.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to everyone)

Y'know what? We look so good, let's walk

in slow motion like in "The Matrix."

Walking in slow motion, they gradually make their way to

the LIMO parked outside. A KID on a TRICYCLE crosses their

path.

INT. THE LIMO. PASSENGER COMPARTMENT - PROM NIGHT

They all ENTER and sit. Derek and his date, RACHELLE, are

already inside.

RACHELLE

(aside to Derek, softly)

Why does that white boy have a cane?

Derek shrugs his shoulders.

DEREK

(aside to Rachelle, mouthing)

I don't know.

They're all in now. The door shuts.

DEREK (CONT'D)

Guys, this is Rachelle.

They all greet each other.

RUSS

(to the limo driver)

Yo, Dudley! Dudley!

The driver, STEVE, turns.

STEVE

My name is Steve.

RUSS

Did I ask for your name?

He picks an ICE CUBE out of the MINIBAR BIN and tosses it

across the limo, through the open divider, whacking Steve

on the back of his head.

RUSS (CONT'D)

Drive!

The limo pulls away from the curb.

RUSS (CONT'D)

And put up that privacy screen. Because

if the limo's a rockin'...

SETH

(simultaneously)

...don't come a knockin'.

ANNA

(simultaneously)

...don't come a knockin'.

DEREK

(simultaneously)

...don't come a knockin'.

RACHELLE

(simultaneously)

...don't come a knockin'.

RUSS

(simultaneously)

...don't come a knockin'.

TERI

(simultaneously)

...don't come a knockin'.

They all break out in laughter. The privacy screen slowly

begins to rise. Before it is completely up, another ICE

CUBE comes flying through, hitting Steve on the back of his

head.

STEVE

(to himself)

The first tree I see, I'm wrapping us

around.

INT. LIMOUSINE. PASSENGER'S COMPARTMENT \- PROM NIGHT

The limo slows down.

ANNA

Why are we slowing down?

The limo stops.

ANNA (CONT'D)

Why did we stop?

SFX - TAPPING ON THE WINDOW

Seth lowers the window several inches; a white LAPD

OFFICER, CHEWING gum loudly, is shining his FLASHLIGHT in

Derek's face.

LAPD OFFICER

Good evening. Let's see some license and

registration.

There's an awkward moment of silence for everyone.

ANNA

This is a limo. We rented it.

The officer turns his light on Anna.

LAPD OFFICER

Was I talking to you, pinko? That's

right. If you don't like it, go back to

China.

He turns his light to a large GREEN-TINTED BOTTLE on ice.

LAPD OFFICER (CONT'D)

What's that, champagne, is it?

RACHELLE

That's Martinelli's.

TERI

(enthusiastically)

We stopped off at Rite Aid!

LAPD OFFICER

Okay. But what about--

He turns the light to a ZIP-LOC BAG full of SHREDDED BROWN

LEAVES.

LAPD OFFICER (CONT'D)

...this reefer!

TERI

No. That's raw tobacco. I roll my own

cigarettes because it's cheaper. (beat)

I'm 18, of course...

Russ turns to Teri.

RUSS

I thought you're trying to quit.

TERI

Not cold turkey, babe.

LAPD OFFICER

Fine. (beat) Just don't get crazy and

vandalize the school, you punks.

SETH

Why would we vandalize our own school?

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. HALLWAY - PROM NIGHT

The ATTENDEES are lined up for the ticket-taker table. A

SECURITY GUARD is checking the ladies' purses. He's going

through Sheila's PURSE.

SECURITY GUARD

Aha!

He pulls out a disposable EMERY BOARD.

SHELIA

That's an emery board.

SECURITY GUARD

Anything can be a weapon. Look.

He takes her arm and begins to rub her bare skin with the

board. After a short while, he stops. The area he was

rubbing is now dry and flaky.

SECURITY GUARD (CONT'D)

You see that? Another minute of that and

you'll be bleeding.

She takes it back, turning to leave.

SHEILA

Fine. I'll put it back in the car,...

...(beat)

(to security guard)

...fascist.

CUT TO:

Seth, et al, standing farther back in the line. Seth sees

the security guard.

SETH

(to himself)

Uh-oh.

He turns his head.

SETH (CONT'D)

(to everyone behind him)

They're checking for weapons. Quick--

everyone, loose your nunchuks!

There's some SIGHS of disappointment. Several students

withdraw their NUNCHUKS, dispossing of them wherever they

can. One NUNCHUK STUDENT gets in a few practices twirls

first.

CUT TO:

GOTH GIRL is the lowly ticket tacker. She takes a STUDENT's

TICKET. From their respective piles, she places a CONDOM

atop a MEAL TICKET...

GOTH GIRL

Come right up. Get your meal ticket and

your emergency contraceptive.

...and staples them together.

GOTH GIRL (CONT'D)

You're gonna want to use them both.

She hands this to the student. He EXITS. Seth and Anna step

up. They hand her their TICKETS. She places two CONDOMS

atop two MEAL TICKETS and staples them together, going

through the center of the condoms. She hands these to them.

GOTH GIRL (CONT'D)

Next.

ANNA

Doesn't stapling through the condom

defeat the entire point?

GOTH GIRL

Next.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - PROM NIGHT

DEPECHE MODE'S "ONE MORE TIME" is being spun by the student

DJ, CLARENCE, who's dressed in white and is on a platform,

overlooking it all. All the other STUDENTS are dancing in

an tightly choreographed sequence. (Think the prom scene

from "She's All That.") Seth, et al ENTER and begin to take

it all in.

SETH

Everybody, "handjive"!

He begins to "handjive." He's all alone. Derek UNZIPS his

fly.

RACHELLE

(to Derek)

He said "jive," not "job."

DEREK

That's what I thought; I was being

optimistic.

He raises his fly. After another 30 seconds:

ANNA

Seth, no one's handjiving but the nerds

against the wall.

We quickly PAN OVER to the "stag wall," where several NERDS

are handjiving by themselves. Saddest sight ever.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. MEN'S RESTROOM - PROM NIGHT

Seth and Russ are washing their hands.

RUSS

So you and Anna are looking pretty cozy

tonight. Think you're gonna get some

lovin'? And by "lovin'," I, of course,

mean wet hot monkey sex.

SETH

Neh. I just didn't have anyone else to

invite.

They turn the sinks off and walk to a HOT-AIR HAND DRYER.

Seth turns it on, and they alternate holding their hands

under it.

SETH (CONT'D)

It's like we're both going stag. Or

I'm going stag and Anna's going the

female equivalent of stag. Maybe doe or

fawn. I'm not so sure about the

difference. They both sound kinda gay.

(beat) You stopped listening to me awhile

ago?

The hand dryer stops.

RUSS

Yeah. Thank goodness this was on.

He taps the hand dryer. Seth checks his hands.

SETH

Damn. These things never get your hands

totally dry.

Seth begins to shake his hands dry. The restroom door

swings open. Jubilant, Stoner Steve ENTERS.

STONER STEVE

Hey, guys! Look at what I got!

Everyone, including Stoner Jeff, turn their attention to

Stoner Steve.

REAR SHOT - STONER STEVE

SFX - ZIPPER UNZIPPING

Steve pulls something out of his crotch area. Seth stops

shaking his hands. There's a collective gasp from everyone

in the restroom. Then a moment of silence.

STONER JEFF

It's so large!

BACK TO SCENE

Stoner Steve pulled out a giant, long...BONG from his

CUMBERBUND.

STONER STEVE

(proudly)

I smuggled it through security.

SETH

How did you fit that in your cumberbund?

STONER JEFF

Man, that stuff just fucks up your mind.

Stoner Jeff produces a PIXIE-STICK from his pocket. He

quickly breaks it open, making a line in a MIRROR on the

sink, then bends over and snorts the PINK DUST with the

straw portion. Pink bubbly froth comes out of his mouth

like he's rabid.

STONER JEFF (CONT'D)

(to himself, ecstatically)

Mmmmm...who wants candy?

STONER STEVE

Denna also brought one in the girls' room.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - PROM NIGHT

Several thin young women in fine GOWNS--CHEERLEADERS--EXIT

the very smoggy women's restroom and go straight for the

SNACK TABLE, stuffing their pretty faces when they get

there. Anna and Teri, each holding a GLASS OF PUNCH, are

watching this with eyes set on sardonic.

TERI

Cheerleaders. Is it ever wrong to hate

them?

ANNA

They can wear Vera Wang gowns to the

prom. That's reason enough to hate them.

They CLING their glasses together in a petite toast.

TERI

Their thighs are also going to hate them

in the morning.

SFX - DRESSES RIPPING

Teri and Anna both flinch.

ANNA

So will whoever bought them those

dresses.

They laugh.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM. BACKSTAGE - PROM NIGHT

A beefy African-American GUARD is standing watch over the temporary stage. The nerd approaches him.

NERD

I have the specified material you

requested in our agreement.

He produces a MANILLA ENVELOPE from his tuxedo pocket and hands it to the guard discreetly. The guard opens it and

slides out the contents, a single CD.

CLOSE-UP - CD

It's "The Best of Barbara Streisand."

BACK TO SCENE

GUARD

Does this have the duet with Celine

Dion from "The Mirror Has Two Faces"?

NERD

Of course.

GUARD

The original or remix?

NERD

Original.

GUARD

Oh, shuki-shuki. Tonight niggah's gonna

get his Barbara Streisand on!

He waves him on.

GUARD (CONT'D)

If anyone asks, I've never seen you.

NERD

That's what I told the guy at Target

Records. (beat) Tonight's going to be a

bloodbath.

The nerd EXITS the scene. Pause. Guard realizes he just made a horrible mistake.

GUARD

A "bloodbath"? Now I wish I hadn't let

him thru--oh, he already gone. Nothing I

can do about it now. Nothing except go

home and listen to my Yentl.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - PROM NIGHT

A COUPLE is slowdancing unusually far apart. Principal

Escobar sees them. He approaches them.

PRINCIPAL ESCOBAR

Children, children. Four inches apart.

He softly grabs them both by the shoulder and coaxes the

two a little closer together. We PAN OVER to Seth and Anna,

also dancing.

ANNA

Wow. Principal Escobar really went crazy

this year.

While dancing with her, he's looking over his shoulders and

about the room.

SETH

Yeah...(beat)...but do you think

Lysandra is watching me? I know she's

been seeing other people and we won't be

going to the same college--but--

ANNA

(interrupting)

I thought you weren't going to talk about

that tonight.

SETH

Okay. Do you think Lysandra is watching

us?

The music stops. Anna's pissed. She releases his hands.

ANNA

I don't believe you--I just don't believe

you!

SETH

What? What's wrong? This happens a lot to

me--girls yelling "I don't believe you."

Anna just turns around and storms off, leaving him behind.

Confused, Seth approaches Russ, who's sitting still at a

table alone, with a serene look on his face.

SETH (CONT'D)

Hey, Russ.

Teri rises. She wipes something from the corner of her mouth.

TERI

Oh, hey, Seth.

SETH

Teri. (beat) It's the weirdest thing:

Anna's leaving just because I keep

talking about Lysandra.

RUSS

Dude. You do know that she loves you,

right? It's so obvious to everyone but

you.

TERI

I knew. And I came in later.

SETH

Whoa! Whoa! Rewind and--

RUSS

(interrupting)

Remember: I got drunk last month and told

you?

FLASHBACK

INT. A BAR - NIGHT. LAST MAY

Seth and Russ are sitting alone at the bar. Russ is

obviously intoxicated; Seth is so drunk that he has passed

out on the bar. Russ leans over to the unconscious Seth,

all his weight shifted to the edge of the stool.

RUSS (CONT'D)

(loudly and drunkenly)

Anna loves you, man. I mean she really,

really loves you.

He then breaks out into a drunken giggle and loses his

balance, falling off the stool.

RUSS (CONT'D, O.S.)

Ow!

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

RUSS (CONT'D)

Wait--maybe you were drunk too.

SETH

Oh my God. It was so obvious. Anna's been

with me at the worst times of my life and

never even complained. I had my head up my

ass this entire time.

RUSS

Dude, you mean..(beat)...you're that

long--?

SETH

(interrupting)

My other head, you scone!

Clarence begins playing STING'S "SECRET GARDEN."

SETH (CONT'D)

This past year, I've just been thinking

about myself--

RUSS

(interrupting)

Dude. She's leaving, so get her.

SETH

Leaving the prom--I can call her later

tonight.

RUSS

But I really think this is something you

should do right now.

SETH

(agreeing)

Yeah, okay...(beat)...you two never have

children.

He rushes off. Russ and Teri are left to contemplate this.

TERI

Wow. That is so romantic.

RUSS

Yeah. (beat) Well, back down you go.

He softly grabs the back of her head and forces her back

down.

TERI

Okay.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN'S "SECRET GARDEN" starts playing over the

stereo.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM. STAGE \- PROM NIGHT

Clarence, who put on the Bruce Springsteen CD, is ecstatic.

CLARENCE

It worked. My mission's done. I've finally

earned my wings.

He looks skyward and puts his hands together in prayer.

There's a pause. The SCHOOL NURSE, dressed in her white

uniform, walks up to him.

SCHOOL NURSE

Clarence. You've forgotten to take your

brain medicine again, haven't you?

He lowers his arms to his sides and looks down, ashamed.

CLARENCE

(guiltily)

Yes, ma'am.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - PROM NIGHT

Seth is running in SLOW MOTION as the song plays on. He

dodges and makes his way through the crowd. He pushes a

GIRL out of his way, who collides with a GUY and then they

both fall. Then he stops at the refreshment table.

Trying to catch his breath, he drinks a little PUNCH. All

that running in slow motion must be hard. Then he continues

running again.

EXT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. PARKING LOT - PROM NIGHT

The song can even be heard from the parking lot. A

disappointed Anna is walking away from the school. Seth

EXITS the gym. He sees her.

SETH

Anna!

She stops. Fed-up, she turns.

POV - SETH

He--and we, obviously--sees her for the first time as a

beautiful girl instead of his best girl-guyfriend.

BACK TO SCENE

Seth's speechless. His mouth is just gaping open for about

half a minute.

ANNA

(impatiently)

Graduation's in two weeks.

He approaches her.

SETH

Anna, I was so obsessed with how I

thought thinks should be, I couldn't see

something better in front of me. I

thought Lysandra was my world--and maybe

she was,...

He stops in front of her and holds out his hands.

SETH (CONT'D)

...but I'm ready to live in a new world

now. "Annatopolis," this land shall be

called.

She puts her hands atop his.

SETH (CONT'D)

You complete me.

She's tearing up.

ANNA

Stop. "You had me at 'hello'."

They embrace. And they hold on to each other, like they

never want to let go. After a moment:

SETH

I don't remember saying "hello." Were you

really listening to me?

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM. STAGE \- PROM NIGHT

ONE SHOT - EMCEE

The EMCEE, a girl, is at the MICROPHONE on stage.

EMCEE

And this year's Royal Court is--OW!

WIDE OUT

Bully #3 is twisting her arm behind her back. The other two

bullies are at his side.

BULLY #3

Read faster!

EMCEE

(faster)

These guys.

Two confused ATTENDANTS give them flowers, crown them--the

whole nine yards. Nobody claps.

BULLY #2

(proudly)

I have a tiara!

Bully #3 shoves the emcee off the stage and seizes the mike.

BULLY #3

Clap--aren't we pretty!?!

Everyone starts clapping nervously.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM. BACKSTAGE - PROM NIGHT

The nerd pulls a ROPE. A BUCKET OF PIG BLOOD AND GUTS falls

on them, like you know from what movie.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM - PROM NIGHT

The onlookers are stunned. No one laughs or says anything.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM. STAGE \- PROM NIGHT

The three bullies are a little confused. After a moment, Bully #1 casts his arms up victoriously. The other two are

jubilant as well.

BULLY #1

We're covered in pig guts! Yeah!!!

The onlookers break out in APPLAUSE and excitement.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM. BACKSTAGE - PROM NIGHT

The Nerd hangs his head down, depressed.

NERD

(to himself)

I wish I was cool.

INT. GEORGE BUSH HIGH. GYMNASIUM. FRONT ENTRANCE - PROM

NIGHT

Hand in hand, Seth and Anna ENTER the building. They're behind the crowd and thus can't see what's going on onstage.

SETH

(nodding)

Wow! I wasn't expecting applause for us.

ANNA

How nice.

EXT. BEACH - EARLY EVENING. GRADUATION DAY

CLOSE-UP - A BANNER PROCLAIMING "HAPPY GRADUATION"

We PAN DOWN. Two STUDENTS dressed in GRADUATION CAP and

GOWN remove them and pack them in a TRASH BARREL full of

CAPS and GOWNS. They really have to pack'em down.

CUT TO:

Russ is sitting by a small bonfire, tossing TEXTBOOKS into

the flames from a pile next to him. Anna comes up and sits

down by him.

RUSS

Wahoo! Look at those schoolbooks burn!

ANNA

Y'know we don't actually own those books?

Russ turns to her.

RUSS

Do you want to help me burn them or don't

you?

She shrugs. She takes up a book and tosses it.

ANNA

Wahoo!

CUT TO:

Seth removes his CAP and GOWN and places them in the

barrel. He presses down firmly on the trash. A DRUNK GUY

staggers up to him, carrying a CUP OF BEER in each hand.

His speech is slurred.

DRUNK GUY

Beer?

SETH

No, I'm trying to quit.

DRUNK GUY

Quit what?

SETH

Drinking.

DRUNK GUY

Why?

SETH

Every sip, you kill, like, a thousand

brain cells.

DRUNK GUY

Don't be a pussy! A lot of successful

people drink.

INSERT - A PHOTO OF LINDSAY LOHAN

BACK TO SCENE

SETH

No. I'm changing my entire life.

DRUNK GUY

Screw that.

He sees Lance and begins to stagger towards him.

DRUNK GUY (CONT'D)

Hey! Lan-cie! Let's not lose touch after

graduation--'kay?

Seth shrugs. He sees Anna and Russ sitting on the log. He

joins them, taking a seat by Anna.

LANCE (O.S.)

Gay!?! I'm not gay!

We quickly PAN OVER to Lance, the drunk guy and some other

FORMER STUDENTS.

LANCE (CONT'D)

You mean all this time, you all thought

I was gay!?!

Everyone's silent. Then MONEY begins to pass hands between

everyone.

CUT TO:

Seth hands Russ a $20 BILL.

RUSS

(jubilantly)

Ha, ha! Come to daddy!

CUT TO:

Lance is having a breakdown.

LANCE

No wonder no one wanted to go to the prom

with me! Oh, these past four years could

have been so much better!

Hands on his head, he runs off screaming and crying.

CUT TO:

Seth, Russ and Anna.

ANNA

Well, that was unexpected.

RUSS

I liked that guy better when he was gay.

SETH

Russ, can we have a few minutes to

ourselves?

RUSS

I don't know. (beat) I've gotten really

comfortable.

ANNA

Russ, is that a seagull?

RUSS

Seagull? I thought I got them all.

Standing up, he picks up a bat-size piece of DRIFTWOOD.

RUSS (CONT'D)

I'll show them!

He goes after it. Anna and Seth softly giggle.

SETH

Anna.

ANNA

Hmm?

SETH

I've been wanting to ask you this since

prom: What is it that you saw in me?

ANNA

Your great rack.

He giggles for a moment.

ANNA (CONT'D)

It was the speedskating semi-finals about

a year ago.

FLASHBACK

INT. ICERINK - DAY. A YEAR AGO

Anna and several other SKATERS are lined up at the starting

line, their bodies taunt.

SFX - HORN

They take off. Anna's ahead. The BLADE of one of her SKATES

breaks and flies off; she falls face-first on the ice...

hard.

ANNA (CONT'D, V.O.)

One of my skates broke.

Everyone else passes her. She just stays down on the ice,

watching the other girls pass the finish line.

CUT TO:

Seth and Anna are in the stands, front center. Concerned,

Seth stands.

SETH

Anna!

He jumps the barrier, landing skateless on the ice. He

shuffles over, leaving Lysandra behind. As Anna is finally

starting to stand up, he collides with her, sending them

both down on their back to the ice. They giggle. They roll

to their side so they face each other. LEONA NAESS' "CHARM

ATTACK" is playing softly in the background, gradually

rising.

ANNA (V.O.)

You then said something I'm sure I'll

always remember:

SETH

Everyone falls down. (beat) I think my

ass is broke.

ANNA (V.O.)

And that's when I knew that I loved you.

END FLASHBACK - BACK TO SCENE

They're passionately kissing each other. Seth tosses the

list into the fire. It burns.

WIDE OUT

Russ is chasing a SEAGULL around with the piece of wood.

RUSS

Kiss your feathery ass goodbye!

DISSOLVE TO BLACK

FADE IN:

EXT. SANTA MONICA BOULEVARD - DAY

Two BICYCLISTS are wobbling--they're all over the

sidewalk-- going so slow, they can barely stay on their

bikes. Russ and Teri are deliberately blocking their way.

Then they knock them over. Jubilant, they turn to each

other, arms spread.

RUSS

(simultaneously)

Can't stop the bum Russ!

TERI

(simultaneously)

Can't stop the bum Russ!

They hug. BLINK-182'S "SMALL THINGS" starts playing.

FADE OUT

THE END

