

" _Imagine how you would feel if a civilization from another part of the world, or perhaps another part of the cosmos, decided to take your babies away? Imagine the mothers' hearts. Imagine the mind-numbing fear and grief we suffered at this time. I do not wish to recall it again."...."We felt confused, just confused and grief-stricken."..._ **I felt their intense confusion and that the whales' only defense against madness was to shut down during a capture. It was impossible for them to comprehend what was happening or why.**

Communicating with ORCAS the whales' perspective

By Mary J. Getten
Healing at the Harbor

a memoir by

Keri Stone

How can we even begin to comprehend, honor and acknowledge One Love on a soul level in the Heavenly Realm if we can't even comprehend, honor and acknowledge One Love on a cellular level in this Physical Realm? We are who we are. It is what it is.

# Preface

Where do I begin... let's just say... "I MADE IT!"

It's been a journey and not an easy one. It has been scary, strengthening and eye opening. I have gone from a " _perfect_ " little life, to a highly " _dysfunctional_ " life, to a " _homeless_ " life, to a life that I only _dreamed_ I would be living. The details of the "dream" are nothing as I imagined but the comfort and bliss I found has made the journey all worth it.

There are a few things I have always disliked/hated: Chickens and eggplant; riding a city bus; missing out on family functions; being away from my children; driving old cars that are not in pristine condition; cockroaches; using coin operated laundry machines; having to hang your laundry; camping in a tent; ballerina buns; country music; wearing miniskirts and FISH... Crazy how now that I look at the list these are all the things that I had to adjust to; living this life of mine in Maui.

I have always been taught, _"To hate something is to love something."..._ If you didn't love it to some degree, you wouldn't use any energy on it to hate it.

I used to tell my husband, _"Feel lucky I hate you right now, it means I must still love you!"_ and it was true. Near the end, I didn't hate him at all. There wasn't any emotional charge at all... One day, when he repeated his behavior, after **23** years of marriage; the energy I held towards him was so neutral. Sure I was disappointed in his behavior but I finally didn't take it personally. Instead of hate, I just held compassion towards him... _"It's too bad he doesn't grasp this family love he has at his fingertips and enjoy the love we have to offer him."_ Which brought more compassion into the space of ... _"That's too bad he doesn't feel comfortable with a stable family life because he never had one."_ Which took me back to a few of my first memories with him...

Steve and I had been married in 1988, ( _two years after losing our first born to adoption_ ). My uncle who is a doctor said, _"Steve will never forgive Keri for giving his son away. It will be a very rocky relationship if it lasts."_

Well, being 18 and " _so in love"_ ; I thought, _"What does_ _he_ _know? Our love is strong."_

To some degree I had pretended the adoption never happened; I had a brick wall up all around my heart helping me with the facade that _"My baby died"... "My baby wasn't meant to be mine"... "I'm not good enough to be a mother"... "Life goes on"... "Get over it"... "I did the right thing"_.

Well, in the two years we were _"moving on"_ , Steve developed a _like_ for drinking. By 1990 Steve had gotten into trouble, alcohol related, and was faced with jail. The judge ordered a rehabilitation treatment. In this rehabilitation treatment, I was confronted by the counselors/doctors, in regards to Steve, _"This man has been so neglected by his parents and so violated as a child, he will never be capable of trust or love in any kind of a relationship. We advise you leave this relationship while you still haven't brought any children into this world with the man."_ (Little did they know, it was already too late for that.

Well, that was the saddest thing I had heard. I hated the thought that these counselors/doctors were saying this man is unlovable and doomed to live a life without love. In my thinking, he already was the father of my child.

I took the challenge to prove them wrong and committed to love this man for better or worse 'til death do us part, just as I had promised on July **23** , 1988 in those vows of marriage when I said _"ya"_ (I do). For you see, in my truth, _this IS the father of my child..._ even if I didn't actually have that child with me... It didn't matter if our baby had died, was kidnapped or was placed in adoption... the loss is the SAME. In my head Steve is the father of my first born child. When I would allow myself to think of my son as alive, living with someone else... there was always this conviction in my heart that I will meet him as soon as The Universe allowed... Obviously that factor played a huge part on my loyalty to that father of my child.

Being raised LDS ( _Mormon_ ) I was solid with the beliefs; " _Families are Forever_ "... " _Cleave to your_ _husband_ "... Coming from a divorced family, having the loss of my father and then the loss of my son, I obviously wanted to hold strong to this programming.

I knew much loss and I didn't want any more of it. I was committed to Steve from that day forward... and let me tell you, it was NOT a pleasant union most of the time.

Steve provided well financially; he didn't physically abuse me... In my eyes, the relationship wasn't dysfunctional enough to give up on him and the good times made up for the bad.

In 1992, Steve and I moved from SLC to Idaho... After one month, Steve came to me and said, _"I think this was a bipolar move, I want to go back to Utah."_

My mother ( _a graduate in psychology_ ) has in the past, tried to help me understand this man to whom I was married to. She had explained "bi-polar" to both Steve and I... bringing awareness... helping us, "help Steve".

After packing up a whole house in a semi and moving a 65 gallon salt water fish tank to a different state, just to have Steve say after one month, " _Oops, I want to go back_ "... I made an appointment with a psychiatrist to get Steve on Lithium, a drug used for bi-polar.

After hearing our story, the Dr. turns to me and says, _"There must be bi-polar in your family for you to have put up with this behavior for as long as you have, as well as you have. How many times has your mother been married?"_

" _Twice"_

" _How about your father?"_

Well, at the time he was on wife #5 and has since married a 6th time before he passed.

" _Okay, there it is, that explains it."_

After prescribing Steve on Lithium the Dr. warned, _"Steve may not like being neutralized, they like their manias."_ And boy was he right!

Steve did not like his thoughts being shut down. I remember watching TV with him after on Lithium. After ten minutes of watching, Steve turns to me with such concern and asks, _"What are you doing?"_ He was concerned that the Lithium was affecting him maybe in a bad way.

I asked him, _"What do you usually do while you watch TV?"_

Steve answers, _"A billion things, my mind is usually constantly racing with thoughts and ideas; problem solving, while I watch TV."_

So I ask him, _"How do you like sitting here just watching TV?"_

" _I don't know."_

Well obviously he couldn't stand it because we packed up our house in a semi and moved our 65 gallon fish tank back to Utah after only three months in Idaho.

It had been nine years after we lost our first child, it was 1995 and I was still childless and married to Steve. We then pursued fertility treatment. Subconsciously both Steve and I wanted to replace that baby we lost and when no "oops" happened after 7 years of marriage without using any preventative action ( _knowing the combination worked so well the first time_ ) we went to find out why.

Doctor finds my fallopian tubes totally blocked, having too much scar tissue from an earlier infection. My doctor had concerns of a tubal pregnancy so he suggested IVF. Steve and I sold our 5th wheel trailer, 4wheelers, and wave runner to invest in a baby.

On October 8, 1996 Dallen Kale' was born with Kirah Dawn following 2 years later, on March 21, 1999.

By the time Kirah was born, Steve and I had been married for 11 years. It was always a rocky road but it was doable and I never pursued divorce no matter how bad it got. As far as I knew, or wanted to believe, Steve wasn't cheating; he wasn't abusing drugs; he would work a lot; drink a lot; was gone a lot; but he would always make time for the vacations I demanded; and he always provided a nice home for me with financial abundance.

After Kirah, _(my third child)_ was born, we invited Steve's family up to my family's cabin to have a Stone family reunion. My father was there and this would be the first time Steve's mother would meet my father. I look over at my mother-in-law as she is witnessing her son interact with my father for the first time. Her jaw hanging, she says to me, _"I now know why you have stayed with my son as long as you have."_

Ya, you could say, I married my father...Being married to Steve was always challenging and brought me sadness most of the time.

I was able to be a stay at home mom; signing my kids up for everything that was offered: Music Together; Little Gym; lessons for instruments; dance; horseback riding; skateboarding; skiing. You name it, we did it and I made sure the family went on one trip a year to be able to spend quality time with their father. Steve worked so much and when he did come home he would not interact with us much; pulling a Brian Wilson _(Beach Boys)_ glued to the TV in our room.

I'm glad I stayed with Steve as long as I did. My children know their father and in knowing their father they know themselves. I also cannot imagine the reuniting with our eldest son in 2006 if we weren't together. It was such an emotional roller coaster ride with tons of drama as it was; I cannot imagine riding that ride with Steve and I not being together. I have heard about those other reunions where the mother of loss and father of loss are played against one another at such a higher degree than what we were dealing with and the degree of drama that we were already living was so much... I could not imagine Steve and I not having each other to make sense out of the madness.

After the reunion with our first born son, we moved back to Utah from Texas to salvage our marriage again. Steve had started drinking heavily; adding pills to the mix. Our entire marriage had been one that was always in counseling, in church, striving for Steve's sobriety and happiness. He would succeed at sobriety off and on. It seemed that every October til February was his hardest months. It made sense, as a young age of seven, Steve's father left his mother on Christmas Day and then ten years later, (to the day almost) December 26th, at the age of 17, he was coerced into signing away his rights for his first born son.

It was now 2007, we were back in Utah with the goal to heal our family from that thing called adoption. At the time, Kai, _(our eldest)_ was rejecting me. It is part of the roller coaster ride of reunion... _Honeymoon, Reality, Subconscious Rejection from the Adoptee_... but I had read, ( _and_ _it stands true),_ "Be patient because the 4th curve on the ride is " _Can't Live Without You_ ". Putting you back in the " _Honeymoon"_ phase again; basically surviving the emotional development between mother and child. The relationship starting out in the infancy stage and continuing on a fast paced crash course of emotional development to adulthood.

On and off the roller coaster ride we go, Kai is coming around. By 2008, Steve was sober again, family going to church again. By 2009 Kai goes on his LDS mission and the following _Christmas...Story of Mother Mary...Kai's Birthday...Anniversary of Loss_... my emotions hit hard with my eldest son being away from me. Being separated once again, triggering all the emotions I hadn't faced, head on... So I wrote book one, _"Life Goes On"_ (basically the _Honeymoon_ of the story). It was very therapeutic, everyone wanted to hear the story and I just couldn't tell it anymore. Retelling the story kept me there, energetically. Little did I realize that book two, _"Letters to my Missionary"_ was unfolding (the _Reality_ of our relationship as mother and son); to have of course book three follow _"Mothers of Loss"_ , (a mother's emailing group I had joined to discuss the _Rejection_ we were all going through in our reunions)... and now let me present to you, book four, _"Healing at the Harbor"_... which of course is the last curve of that emotional roller coaster ride, the realization of _Can't Live Without You._ Which brings us together once again for that beautiful curve of _Honeymoon,_ the coming together again. The never ending story continues...

### Disclaimer

Before I continue with my story any further, let me tell you a little bit more about myself... I am a Hippie's daughter. My mother had divorced my father when I was four or something. My mother married a well-established man 18 years her senior. The lifestyle of my immediate family changed drastically. I went from living under a young Hippie's roof to living under a very structured, disciplined religious roof.

For a few years after the divorce my sister and I had continued to see my father. But in 1976 my mother decided to get married in the LDS Temple with my stepfather and part of the requirements is that the stepfather was to adopt my sister and me. My father, being adopted from birth and being raised with this Mormon Theology understood the rules and regulations, if you will, of the ordinance requirements in the religion... My father signed his rights away for his two girls and basically ran away from his home, SLC Utah. The added loss and rejection was too much for this adoptee.

I didn't see or hear from my father again until 1984 and that story is all in the first book I wrote. The reason I even inform you of this... I have always been very familiar with Marijuana.

Remember, my father was a Hippie. I had been around the medicinal herb since birth. I had witnessed firsthand the effects of it, ( _more good than bad by far_ ). I even have young photos of my sister and me where we look a little blitzed. I have memories of my sister and me sneaking against my mother's will to go sit in the circle with daddy and his friends. I have memories of weekends with my daddy where daddy let my sister and me be the leaders! Being in charge of directing the adults where to go; handling my daddy's money for him so he wouldn't lose it; basically being the lady of the house, taking care of my daddy and my baby sister... I LOVED MY WEEKENDS AT MY DADDY'S... they were what I looked forward too. And then he was gone out of my life mistaken for dead after being absent for four continuous years without any contact with anyone.

Anyways, by the time I was in 6th grade and some 9th graders asked my good friend and me if we knew what a bong was, it was a no brainer to take a rip. I pretty much smoked regularly from then on... well as regularly as a junior high student gets it offered to them back in those days, which isn't as much as these days.

So just to set the record straight, by the time my father had returned back to Utah _and_ my life when I was 14, I was already smokin' the ganja. So when my sister and I had our next visit with our father... when he smoked, we smoked. It was so healing smoking weed with my father.

1984... My father had returned to his SLC home for a short time. One of the first things he did was pick my sister and me up for a visit. We would always go to my grandparent's cabin; lighting up the moment we pulled out of my parent's driveway. We would get to the cabin stoned out of our mind; unload the car, packing in multiple trips of groceries and bags of things up this steep handmade stepping stone staircase path... _I rarely mention the names of each and every grandchild that were etched in the surrounding cement around those stones that you had to step on with each step up_... _Mostly because it rubbed in the known fact that my father is the adopted one... For you see, all the grandchildren's names are represented with the exception of any of my father's children in that stone staircase._

My daddy taught me how to smoke the herb and get shit done, eat, think; basically live life more peacefully and enjoy this thing we call life. My favorite part of this relationship with my father and my sister smoking together was the philosophizing that went on while hanging with my father in this way... We would study everything; music, history, math... I found it so amazing how much this Stoner Hippie guy that I am getting to know as my father, knew about the scriptures and for the first time, I liked the translation. I would have to say, this is what started my own spiritual journey.

In my eyes, my truth, I witnessed how much better my father did when he was medicating with Marijuana instead of alcohol. In my true opinion, my father's downfall was when he quit medicating with Marijuana. Wife #6 requested a Temple marriage...which meant go to a medical doctor and give up the herb... My father changed. I think he found a good woman. My father wasn't the man I knew... He had sold out... Our relationship dwindled. My father ODed on those prescribed pills in 2009 and they revived him.

In 2012 a few weeks after I moved to Maui, my father's wife found him dead at the cabin.

My opinion on Marijuana??? Do I even need to say more???

When I got pregnant with Kai I quit smoking ( _I never really smoked cigarettes just weed_ ). But of course I am going to turn to the herb that heals the most after placing Kai up for adoption... I was a total Stoner until I married Steve Stone and became Keri Jean Stone... a lot of my friends saying, _"Ya that name fits you soo much better."_ (I had always had a hard time fully letting go of the Dangerfield name I was born with and roll with the name from my Step Father. Poulsen never clicked with me. I was delighted beyond belief when I first found out Steve's last name... STONE).

Very soon after marrying Steve, I had a front row view of how alcohol affects a person... I had been drunk a few times in my day... I always hated how out of control I felt and it definitely was not worth the hangover the next morning... My daddy had taught me to stick with the natural stuff, _"Be a Stoner never a Juicer"._

I knew Steve had a problem with alcohol, I requested he stop drinking. I quit smoking weed once again... I am not a hypocrite and if I was going to ask Steve to quit, I was going to quit my "drug" of choice too. All that we can ever be is a good example... after all, we are only in control of ourselves... I stayed pretty damn sober and straight, for fifteen years.

The next time I started medicating with weed again was in 2004 when my husband of 16 years got caught cheatin' and was expecting a child with another... she was ten years younger than me. Both my father and my sister who were both married in the Temple, came up to me separately suggesting that I start smoking some weed because I was having a hard time processing in my head _WTF_. I was concerned about me not being a good mom so I tested out _half_ of a little blue "legal" pill ( _valium or something)_ that many of the "Temple worthy" Mormons are prescribed and had the worst trip I've ever had. It was like being drunk and stoned at the same time... _"I can't be a good mom on this shit"_ ... I have been smoking the herb ever since.

Desert Rocks

By Dallen

June 2011

Watching my Dad use and abuse alcohol and pills has saddened me since the age of 6.

To cope with the hurt of my father's drowning of sorrows, the affairs, and Kai coming back into our lives, (who was also a disappointment to me with such imbalanced Chakras) my mother started smoking Marijuana.

My father was abusing legal pain killers and alcohol more than ever around the time when my brother moved in. Kai would go to bars with my dad. He was also on prescribed medication with me following suit; Which flared the Tourettes more than ever, bringing rage into it. I decided at 9 years old, "I'm not doing that chemical shit anymore!!"

During this whole time my mom was smoking pot (the "illegal" medicine that Kai always criticized so much). Kai, (my older brother who I was meeting for the first time) was stealing, bringing a hooker home, and letting his woman friend smoke cigarettes in the house, or he was off vandalizing somebody's belongings which would lead to a fight with my mom.

My mother would be so hurt she'd smoke a bowl to calm down. I witnessed my mother use the medicine of her choice ... Marijuana ... no slurring of her words; seeming like the same person but much brighter, happier, and peaceful; matching the energy the smoke session provided for the whole house; calming us all down from her interaction with Kai. The only side effects I have seen to this day from her smoking the herb is her red eyes and sometimes she has minor forgetfulness. I saw all sides of each so called medicine.

At the age of 14 my natural high off life had started to fade away. My emotions and thoughts manifested a worsening case of Tourettes and a horrible case of Leaky Gut Syndrome. The illnesses stemmed from undealt issues of past and new issues on the rise. In trying to decide what the best medicine was for me, I had been asking everybody I felt comfortable with about their medication

From the information and energy I got from peoples' experiences with every drug, legal and illegal (never even having met "Mary Jane" in person) I had decided that the natural herb was the medicine I would try the next time it was presented to me.

Two weeks later, my family went to "Desert Rocks". My dad was assisting a friend with putting on a festival in Moab, Utah. By this time, I was fully aware of my mom's usage of Marijuana so when my mom was going to go on a "walk", I said "I'll join you mom."

Hesitantly, my mom allowed me to join her on her walk. With us both knowing what she was doing, we walked to the middle of the forest from our hotel room.

When my mother turned her back to me while lighting the pipe she said, "Don't look at me."

I laughed and said, "It's time for me to find a medicine for myself."

Shocked she said, "I can't! Kai used it against me and people will think I'm a horrible mom!"

I then told her, "It's not your decision its mine, It's time mom. If you don't do it with me I'm going to have a bad trip with my friends."

So I took my first hit. I was so shocked to find an astonishing skunky citrus aroma fill my mouth; seeming too good to be just a plant. I took two more hits. I had smoked the same amount as this heavyweight veteran. When the high hit it was pretty intense. Everything was so beautiful as if I was seeing everything for the first time. The trees and nature looked so vibrant and vivid it was like nothing I had ever felt.

A sudden security came to me when I realized that life wasn't going to be nearly as stress filled; as I had been anticipating/experiencing up until this point. The constant chase of the destination had shifted to the journey now being the destination. I knew that with this herb I'd appreciate every life moment for the miracle it is. It really showed me the beauty in life which I somehow knew I would need for the trials awaiting me.

My whole perspective and appreciation of life from that point forward would continue to greatly improve my mind, body, and spirit. The ganja got my mind thinking more deeply than it ever had gone with a vivid imagination to go along with it.

Marijuana really helped me get out of the linear left brain thinking that is pushed on society. My mind was balanced with the right brain's creative intuitive thinking. I soon pursued Meditation, Yoga, Reiki, Tai Chi, organic foods, exercising more, and grasping the things that truly matter in life. I dropped out of school. The Internet (limitless information) much too complex to be coming out of a middle schoolteacher's mouth became my new source of knowledge.

This thinking also brought frequent excitement saying multiple times a day, "I can't wait for Hawaii."

Let Us All be Real

August 2011 Blog

Folks, I saw two movies in one day!

It was my husband's birthday on Saturday. We honored my husband's birthday on the 26th instead of the 25th this year. For you see, through Numerology, we had discovered that the passport officials were correct and that his parents had remembered his day of birth wrong.

My husband has always loved going to movies. I on the other hand have a little problem called "ADHD", so I don't like to frequent movies as much as him. Since it was his birthday, I let him dictate the day. We woke slowly and went to the theater to see "The Rise of the Planet of the Apes". I'm not even sure if that is the title, but I am a huge Planet of the Apes fan! I remember the black and white and then color TV episodes. Loved it!

WOW WOW WOW!!! I cannot rant and rave enough about this movie!!! Of course that is how it all started!!! How did we not all already know!!! Right!

And the preview for it ... "TIME"... OMG!!! Cannot wait!!!

Movies are getting SOOOO good and so true to reality. It seems all the great shows have the theme of adoption in them. After all, 70% of the population is affected by it.

I don't want to spoil it, but you all must go see!!!

Caesar has identity issues and because of his intelligence he is able to rise above it (accept it), find his identity (heritage) and help his kind (species of origin) rise above for a better life together as One.

After this amazing movie that I truly want to see again IN the movie theater, we came home and I cleaned the house until around six. My husband thought another movie sounded good. This time we went to see "Idiot Brother"... Loved it! Steve was getting frustrated with the brother that kept being too honest for his own good; A trait I have that has gotten me into trouble many times as well. Our problem? We are so REAL. You ask us a question and we tell you our truth; we believe in everyone; we see people at their highest potential of who they can be; we trust everyone... we are incapable of lying.

Movie was great, the sisters get so annoyed with their "Idiot" brother for innocently speaking truth and being incapable of cover ups, making them own their truth and face their reality, owning it, accepting it... until at the end, (when he had to go back to the slammer for saying too much and being too REAL with his probation officer he had mistaken as a sincere person who cares) The sisters who at first were so annoyed with him for innocently making them face their truth; bailed him out because they realized his honest integris self is a great way to be. TO BE REAL with oneself, owning your truth, facing the reality, acknowledging it, accepting it and loving it... IS TO BE LOVING YOU.

### The Story Continues...

August 2011

" _I can't wait for Hawaii_ ", Dallen would repeat continually until we were on that plane July 21, 2012.

" _Dallen, I don't know about this Hawaii thing you are all so excited for. Things are looking bad; I don't even see a vacation anywhere in the near future, let alone Hawaii._ " I would repeat back continuously, until...

March 2012, when I took Dallen tanning and the tanning salon lady introduced herself as a Medium and told me many things but most importantly... " _You are supposed to be in Hawaii... next to Wayne Dyer, wherever he lives._ " and with that, she continued to instruct me to go see her healer friend down south to help prepare us for what's to come.

This beautiful gifted woman ( _Suzi_ ) continued to give us messages explaining what was going on at home... Steve was using heavily, the worst I had ever seen.

Dallen had known Steve was using " _black_ ". Dallen is a "Crystal" child; he has always had a sense of all knowing. Even though he didn't know what " _black_ " meant or was, he just knew. Dallen had insisted we catch Steve doing whatever this " _black_ " was and **October** 2011, we did... _black_ is HEROIN.

It was **October** 2011 when the shit really hit the fan. Kai had returned home from his mission, married and moved away. The adoptive parents' behavior had gotten so possessive over that boy of ours they adopted... seriously, the mom had called the police on me because Kai was storing his things at our home while he was away for the summer.

I can't say for sure what it was that pushed Steve to go from church goer to Heroin user... but he had apologized at one time in the middle of this madness that it was too much for him to be addressing issues around the losses he has incurred in the name of adoption.

I had been attending adoption conferences. Bringing awareness about the loss involved in adoption and bringing awareness that fathers have rights. Being quite the radical, I was bringing awareness to anyone that entered my space... you could say, that is how I dealt with the loss, rejection and madness revolving around this adoption reunion. I was dragging Steve everywhere speaking out, bringing awareness, and talking about it out in the open, addressing issues that Steve did not want to address.

Steve was legally prescribed pills for his injured back. Along with his occasional drinking which escalated to more drinking... prescription drugs became an added demon also acceptable in today's society.

Back Problems ~ Starting with *Cervical C1-C7... Fear. Confusion. Running from life. Feeling not good enough. "What will the neighbors say," Endless inner chatter... Rejection of wisdom. Refusal to know or understand. Indecision. Resentment and blame. Out of balance with life. Denial of one's spirituality ... Accepting blame for others. Guilt. Martyrdom. Indecision. Grinding one's self down. Biting off more than one can chew ... Guilt. Repressed anger. Bitterness. Boarded-up feelings. Stuffed tears ... Fear of ridicule and humiliation. Fear of expression. Rejecting one's good. Overburdened ... Burdens. Overload. Trying to fix others. Resistance. Inflexibility ... Confusion. Anger. Feeling helpless. Can't reach out.

* Next, Thoracic T1-T4 ... Fear of life. Too much to cope with. Can't handle it. Closing off from life ... Fear, pain and hurt. Unwillingness to feel. Shutting the heart off ... Inner chaos. Deep, old hurts. Inability to communicate ... Bitterness. A need to make others wrong. Condemnation.

* Third section in spine, Vertebrae T5-T12 ... Refusing to process the emotions. Dammed-up feelings. Rage ... Anger at life. Stuffed negative emotions. Fear of the future. Constant worry. Lack of self-love ... Storing pain. Refusal to enjoy ... Obsession with failure. Resisting your good ... Feeling let down by life. Blaming others. A victim ... Refusal to take charge. Needing to be a victim. "It's your fault" Blaming others for your problems ... Low self-image. Fear of relationships ... Disowning the right to live. Insecure and fearful of love. Inability to digest.

*Lumbar L1-L5 ... A crying for love and a need to be lonely. Insecurity ... Stuck in childhood pain. See no way out ... Sexual abuse. Guilt. Self-hatred ... Rejection of sexuality. Financial insecurity. Fear of career. Feeling powerless ... Insecurity. Difficulty in communicating. Anger. Inability to accept pleasure.

* Sacrum = Loss of power. Old stubborn anger.

* Coccyx = Out of balance with yourself. Holding on. Blame of self. Sitting on old pain.

Steve has been hard working from a very young age. Ya, we could credit his back pain to the concrete forms he packed on a daily basis, or blame the guy in church ball... but bottom line, there was an energy leak in the areas of which his back fell weak to not endure the pressure or impact. It would be interesting to me, to read Steve's medical charts and see exactly which areas were his affected areas... reading the list, I have a pretty good idea.

### Zara Moves In

August 2011

Prior to finding out what Steve was up to, I had been praying fervently, _"I need help, I need an army, I don't know what is going down but it is big."_

My niece Zara was the first to move in. Zara and I had always been close. Zara is Steve's sister's daughter. My relationship with Zara started when she was three. Zara was a challenging child for many, but being a mother of loss, you tend to collect children. I didn't have any children of "my own" to raise, so I was always available to help with all of my nieces and nephews, _(Chance, Elden and Zara being my closest ones)_ , by the time Zara was four, her mother had moved in with us and I by this time had Dallen. During this first year of Dallen's life Zara was a huge part of ours.

It was a huge blessing to have my 18-year-old niece call upon me for a place to stay. It's a hard transition becoming an adult. I warned her about her uncle saying, " _Steve isn't doing well, we don't know what is up but as long as I have a roof over my head, all is welcome."_

It was during this time that we caught Steve smoking heroin in his office in the home. It was good to have an extra "adult" in the house to help Dallen and I hold down the fort, distract Kirah, and keep the vehicles out of Steve's reach on multiple occasions. Kai was in Hawaii at this time for his employment and at this time we really didn't have any contact, ( _I got a little upset about Kai's mother calling the cops on me when Kai had asked to store his stuff in our home_ )... In fact, Steve in his delirium would always threatened or shall I say, (attempt) to fly to Hawaii to be with Kai.

Steve's behavior continued to get worse. In November, Zara moved out. I had the holidays to focus on, to distract me from Steve's usage _(that he was claiming wasn't going on.)_

### Thanksgiving

November 2011

I had been spending my extra time with Mama Jean during this time of my life. Mama Jean and I had always kept in touch after she divorced my father back when my kids were babies. I had told her, _"Once a grandma always a grandma. You can't divorce grandmas."_ I was very grateful for Jean in my life. It seemed that she was the only one that understood soo many things that I was saying. Everyone else wanted me to pretend and live the program. I loved the wisdom that Mama Jean offered... my favorite, _"God Knows"..._ to this day, still brings me comfort.

This year, I was not in the mood to have Thanksgiving with any pretenders if you will. I wanted a Thanksgiving with _REAL_ people. I know that statement will offend a lot of my family... but I don't think they even realize how much they are pretending. I take full ownership of how loud my make believe story (my story of pretending nothing happened and life is perfect) has gotten... so loud I cannot ignore reality... anyone's.

Along with Jean and her hubby the only other person that came over was one of Dallen's buddy, Kenny. I enjoyed the very untraditional Thanksgiving Day.

My Connection to Jesus

December 2011 Blog

I haven't written for a long time and feel a need.

My son Dallen struck up a conversation about his older brother Kai, (a full blooded brother lost to adoption)... He says, "Looks like Kai's curse to himself is playing out."

I say, "What do you mean?"

He replies, "Kai had said 'I wish God would quit blessing me so much, I have been slacking on my religious duties'."

"Oh wow! Dallen, you see wisdom."

... Let me fill you all in on what has transpired and share how I have connected so many things in life this past week.

This holiday season, we are broker than broke. As a mother, friend, relation to anyone who loves gifting to all, I have been blessed with "Ah-ha's" and wisdom as an outcome of our despair.

In the shower, I can't help but to connect the dots to the order of events that has transpired...

Out of my desperation to gift to all, writing love letters to family and friends, I think I am about finished when I realize I have left two people out... Kai, my oldest son whom I lost to adoption, and his new wife Ami... I write to my son, explaining my failure to acknowledge him and how I had forgotten about thinking of the two of them, continuing on to say ...

... "Yep, I do try that hard to shut you out of my space but then I will get this feeling like something is missing and the memory of you floods in with the familiar ache. I'm sorry I am incapable of being what you want me to be. I'm all or none. Maybe one day you may understand the power of a mother's love that starts in the womb. Until then, I have to distance myself.

Enjoy your holiday season.

Love your mother, yep, your mother"

... and then signed it Keri

Well, let me tell you what I have just heard through the grapevine... Just recently, Kai and his new wife were on a cruise ship ... they went off on an excursion and didn't make it back to the ship; missing their ride off of the island, in Mexico... Wow, I couldn't help but to connect the dots from my letter to what had just happened... me forgetting to send my love to those two and the explanation of distancing myself... I can't help but see the similarity of my having forgotten about them at the same time the cruise ship forgot them simultaneously... Dallen and I just sat there and connected the dots of how we were holding Kai in our hearts and prayers that he would join this family one hundred percent. We're sick of the ache when Kai continually chooses not to be... so basically after our wishes and prayers, we cut the cords and surrendered for it to be whatever it is meant to be... and look how his world has been rocked, if you will.

Getting ready in the shower I continued my thoughts, optimistic of how this neglected relationship we have with our son/brother is going to turn out... As I am connecting those dots, I am thinking about all my newfound knowledge from studying the people in the Bible. My interest in studying the Bible came about due to my own newfound knowledge of my own immediate ancestry...

When my grandparents died, my mother gave me all the journals and photos that they had... I cherished this and dove right in; reading my grandparents hand-written journals and typed memories take you on a journey of their lives with which I could totally relate. It brought me such compassion for my ancestors. Not only a better understanding of them, but a better understanding of my own self... understanding why I am walking in the shoes I am walking... leaving me excited to not only heal but to heal my ancestors and my posterity by learning not only from my experiences but from theirs as well.

This understanding of my ancestry, the recognition of the pattern of cycles repeating themselves to give way to better understanding, to find a better way of doing things and bringing a compassion into my space by being able to relate to them and by knowing the madness or dysfunction of their situation and of the ancestors before them, seriously got me excited to learn more history. Magically, books about Jesus kept coming into my space in all sorts of ways. I dove right in and started studying and learning about Jesus and his ancestors. I have connected so many dots that resonate with me on the theory that everything cycles through full circle to gain full knowledge... To know up, you need to know down.

Being a mother of loss, I connected hugely to many stories and scenarios from the Bible; mostly to the stories surrounding other mothers of loss such as Jochebed (Moses' mother, who out of desperation due to the Pharaoh's command... because of his fear that the Hebrew slaves {a lesser class} would overpower the Egyptian empire {a more affluent society and group of people} and outnumber them, ordered all males under two years old be killed... Jochebed made a basket and sent Moses on his way on the Nile to spare his life, which ultimately was an act that delivered their people out of bondage) Mother Mary (a young virgin mother, who I am sure was questioned of her immaculate conception and therefore judged) and all of those other young mothers, (just to name one; Hagar, Sarah's maiden) who was ordered by an infertile boss (Sarah, Abraham's wife) or shall I just say an older more affluent woman who had a husband to take care of her... Sarah ordered Hagar to sleep with her (Sarah) husband to guarantee her (Sarah) financial support and importance, being allowed to own Hagar's child with her (Sarah) husband regarding Hagar as a petty servant who was in service to her (Sarah) until Hagar's service was no longer needed... and as for Sarah, when she was blessed with a child of her own (at 89 or 90 years of age) and no longer needed Hagar or her child to guarantee her (Sarah) financial support and survival, she kicked Hagar out of the concubine with her son to fend for themselves... remember no welfare or jobs for women back then, most woman had no other choice than to serve as a prostitute desperate to be owned by any man to survive...

Well... let me tell you, I am a mother of loss who has always connected with Mother Mary, the 15 year old virgin mother of Jesus, a mother from royalty... being that I myself was one month shy of turning 16 when I lost my virginity and become pregnant the very first time (as was the case in many biblical stories with those young maidens) and I came from an affluent family myself... but instead of keeping my baby and watching my son be sacrificed as a man like Mother Mary, I sacrificed my son at birth.

My first-born son's birthday is December 23rd, two days before Christmas.

I have taken my loss, my feelings of sorrow, grief, and anger just to name a few... and I have taken the interest to get to know Mother Mary, her mother Anna and Jesus with extreme interest after finding the connection of my own ancestors. My great grandmother on my mother's side was left in an orphanage at age 1 with her siblings for 13 years until her mother was able to come back for them again after finding a husband that would have her..."A Meal Ticket" if you will. I also have a grandmother on my father's side who lost a son to adoption; my father...

My interest in Anna and Mary and Jesus as well as their ancestors, was personal when I could connect that I have traveled a very similar road as they and that my relationship with my second born son (first raised) is very similar to the relationship of Mother Mary and Jesus. My discovery has opened my eyes so much; I am shocking people with my new belief that Jesus did not die on the cross.

For you see people, we were not ready for my interpretation. Remember, back in those days, the mentality was totally "an eye for an eye"... "Oops sorry I bumped into you" ... "Oh here, let me shove you back and we will be good"... In order to save mankind, this mentality needed to stop because, after all, the main message... lesson... we were meant to learn while down on earth is the importance of family... Oneness... and to gain full knowledge of the Creator within ourselves. So Jesus had to come set an example and be crucified and teach God's Word of being the God of mercy. The old interpretation of Jesus being resurrected from the dead is what those people of the ignorant masses of those times needed to believe... after finding out how evil men of ancient times were and how wrong men have always treated women... even the "good" men, like Abraham, who out of his own fear of a more powerful male harming him in competition for his beautiful wife Sarah that he lied and said, "Here have my sister for your concubine", not only once, but TWICE... These ignorant men that did not like the respect Jesus gave women and even in today's dictionary, magdalen means a reformed prostitute, when in all actuality, the disciples were jealous and did not understand the forgiveness and respect Jesus gave Mary of Magdala and did not like that she got most of His attention because she understood His Word... They needed to first understand that there is life after death so we better make good choices and try to be as good as we can be.

Now days, well actually, never with me... I just never understood that "eye for an eye" mentality. So when I learned that one of the translations is that Jesus did not die and the Atonement is about walking the walk of forgiveness, everything is making so much more sense. Along with that wisdom rolling I am connecting the madness of cycles completing full circle... gaining full knowledge, becoming aware of the Creator we ourselves are. I can see the pattern of how ancestral behavior is life balancing and our returning with full knowledge from knowing the down, in and out of it.

My newfound knowledge totally validates that these are the times to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND 'ADOPT' THE MOTHER. Sarah of biblical days should have "adopted" Hagar and loved her child as a grandmother loves a child, loving one another 'adopting' the mother.

I am so grateful for history and my understanding of it. We are people of full knowledge; we are the creators of this life we have created for ourselves, believe it or not. When I see life in this perspective I yearn to love and serve others. I see mothers in need, a need for ALL to learn from the past.

BUT ... mostly right now, I see the power of love and what manifests out of fear and desire. I see how I, for one, desire a better future and I am now a true believer of what the meaning of the Atonement is: to save our souls. I appreciate the story of Mother Mary and Jesus and how much it now means to me.

Now how do I connect all this with my present circumstance, you ask...?

Well, knowing Jesus and all those other powerful, beautiful mothers of old, bringing them and their stories into my space, I am comforted with the knowledge to have faith, we always get what we desire or fear, so get fear out of my space, let my desires be known, then surrendering to God's will, be patient, serve and love others, it will soon come around. After all, when we are serving and loving others, we are serving and loving ourselves.

With that said, I look forward to Kai becoming 100% a part of our family.

### Christmas

2011

Kai had showed up because he thought I wouldn't. I hadn't even thought that he would show... I am at my mother's house for a family Christmas party, I was sick of being at the party, my own emotional bullshit got a little out of control, ( _it's all in book 3, "Mothers of Loss United"_ )... I kind of started yelling at my mother in her garage and carried it on into the house before leaving the Christmas party. I left the kids with others to bring them home and headed home on my own. I was so in my thoughts processing my F-d up life that I past my exit and drove an hour south past my house all the way to Santaquin before I realized where I was. When I finally turned around and headed back north to home I had had a good cry.

My mom had sent me home with a care package, with all of my favorite things that happen to be the color of my hair (red violet). I loved all she gifted me and had to take a photo of gratitude and send it to her thanking her sending love, I don't like it when I yell at my mother.

At Steve's family Christmas party at _his_ mother's there was similar energy going on... Kai showed up to my mother's thinking I wouldn't be there and here Steve's sister Becky showed up because she thought we wouldn't be here. Guess you could say, we spoiled a lot of peoples' holidays. I behaved myself at this party and didn't yell at anyone, lol.

Goodbye 2011

December 2011 Blog

Well, the horrid season of December is over!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus, but along with the month of celebrating Jesus and his virgin mother, Mary, sacrificing her son for the world to better understand the law of repentance AND forgiveness... I am in mourning for my son who I lost to adoption. His birthday is December 23rd. I had him at my bedside until the 25th, Christmas Day 1986. Saying goodbye. Leaving to try to forget and pretend it never happened.

Well, every December since, I haven't been able to forget and pretend it never happened. I have continued to hole up in the safety of my home for the month of December; only seeing my most favorite people.

When I was reunited with Kai, I thought, "Oh, I finally have him back! I will never miss a birthday, Christmas, holiday, moment, etc. ever again!"

The sad reality, I have yet to spend a birthday, Christmas, holiday, moment, etc. with him.

The first year, we were invited for his birthday and sent home on Christmas Eve... the adoptive parents wanted him all to themselves, like they traditionally have had him. I have never seen Kai on his birthday since... Steve and I have celebrated Christmas one day late (with young children) for him; and we have had the blessing to have one visit late afternoon on a Christmas day a few years back. This year Kai said he dropped in at 6 in the evening on his way to his wife's family party down south that started at 6:30 but we were at the movies. I know, most mothers of loss have it so much worse. I should be so happy I am graced with his visits. Kai lives minutes away. His parents moved to my state to make it easier on him to see us. I should be grateful for their sacrifice but I feel it's like dangling meat to a dog making him sit and behave for a lick.

This has been an exceptionally hard December for me. For once in my life, I opened my heart to the story of Jesus and his dear virgin mother Mary, and allowed me to sit with the feelings and not ignore the feelings that are always triggered when hearing about their story. I am relating in so many ways... I have finally accepted it is what it is, we are who we are, I believe what I believe and no one can tell me otherwise unless they have walked in my shoes.

The Salt Lake Tribune is about to publish an article on me and my family about the loss of adoption and what it has done to us... how divine, that the article is to come out this Christmas season, the 25th anniversary of my loss... I am owning my truth and speaking out... I am upsetting a lot of people... especially my mother... her new fear... I am going to be excommunicated from the Mormon Church!!!

Well, you know what? I have a better relationship with Jesus and know that I will not be damned if the church kicks me out for bringing awareness, speaking out, teaching others how to love unconditionally, supporting unwed mothers in need to keep their children and fighting to bring father's rights along with women rights to full attention, accepting others, loving everyone as a whole, not judging who is better than whom, as in who would be a better mother and father for the child... THE mother and father ARE the mother and father of that child and we as a whole, need to love one another and mentor any person in need, especially a person with child.

If people realized the "apple does not fall far from the tree"... if you are looking at this apple and find fault, you need to look at the generation before them and if you don't like it, move further back another generation... keep moving back... see the pattern.

Bottom line, we aren't "saving" anyone by adopting infants. It is just creating more problems of conditional love and independent thinking, dissecting families as if born to another. AND honestly, I don't care to be sealed on the church records to all of my made up genealogy chart that has messed up a role call that was most likely made up in Adam and Eve time to remember everyone and to not leave anyone behind. The way Mormons and many others have taken this adoption to a whole new level does not interest me.

Let's learn from our ancestors and honor them by preserving our families and loving one another unconditionally, with acceptance and forgiveness in our hearts, we shall not covet what others have... Let us reach out offer our love, service and acceptance to all that come into our space, without fear or expectations, just LOVE... after all, ITS ALL YOU NEED! I love John Lennon!!!!

Madonna is the Man

January 2012 Blog

Madonna never ceases to amaze me! I have always admired her bravery to be true to herself and be who she is, no matter what anyone thinks.

The other day, Friday the 13th, my dear friend Tracey Albert called me and asked if I could be her designated driver, she has to get a crown at the dentist...

"Of course!"... I was delighted to take a day off from my life and serve a dear friend! ... I drop her off, came home to wait for the call to pick her up... The call comes in and I jet to go pick her up, entering the dentist waiting room right at the exact moment ABC 4 NEWS is advertising the 20/20 interview with Madonna... (Folks, I honestly don't make much time to watch TV... so for me to just happen to catch these 15 minutes of TV time at this moment was soo divine!)...

I was excited to be updated on Madonna! What is that girl up to?

To my amazement, she is working on a movie, "WE", which she co-wrote and produced to be out February 3rd... It's a great story about Edward VIII leaving his throne of Britain to be with the woman he feel in love with, an American divorcee Wallace Simpson.

The thing that amazed me most from the interview??? Cynthia McFadden challenged Madonna's position on her belief of the accusation that Edward VIII was a Hitler supporter and other rumors about the couple. I loved Madonna's confidence with her truth and findings from her research about the couple and that she challenged Cynthia right back, stating that Cynthia would not be able to find anything that supports otherwise... WOW!!! ... Madonna, you are one smart lady that I truly admire! I always heard that knowledge was powerful... but boy do I love watching Madonna living this concept and being a great example to me... Especially because ... just like Madonna said to Cynthia in this interview, in regards to her love for Wallace Simpson, "she has the ability to survive against all odds... deeply misunderstood by people." ... Madonna being a true survivor as well who is notoriously deeply misunderstood and has been judged her whole life, I'm sure, as not being too intelligent because of her unconventional choices, when in all reality she most likely is one of the most brilliant people amongst us.

The second thing that amazed me during the interview was ... the part about Lady Gaga. WOW!!! Madonna's vocabulary has always impressed me, but I must say, today was a day to remember! Not only did she think of the best word to describe how she feels about Lady Gaga's song, "Born This Way" being a copy of her "Express Yourself", she stumped Cynthia McFadden on the definition of the word... REDUCTIVE

"Is that good or bad?" Cynthia asks.

Classic Madonna... full of grace along with her beauty, reaches for her coffee mug for a sip, and says with such eloquence, "look it up"...!!! I LOVE IT!!!

REDUCTIVE - simplified or crude... I even found a science definition - lower level entity

By the end of the segment I had an out pouring love for Madonna with her comment when questioned by Cynthia McFadden, "Do you feel more authentic when you are without makeup?"... Madonna replies, "As long as I'm doing what I want to do, whether I am done up in makeup or not it doesn't matter, that is when I am feeling most authentic."...

CHEERS TO MADONNA!!! Exactly!!! "AS LONG AS I AM DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO"... Madonna, a woman we can all admire and learn to live in our truth to be who we are!!!

It is no wonder Madonna Louise Cicone was named after her mother Madonna Louise, after all, the biblical definition of Madonna is ... a medieval Italian term for a noble or otherwise important woman, and has long been used commonly in reference to images of the Virgin Mary, the mother of Jesus. Madonna also translates as "My Lady" also represented as the Queen of Heaven, often enthroned... (Wikipedia)

MADONNA... a woman who has truly lived up to her name and will definitely go down in history like the amazing ones before her, such as; Virgin Mother Mary, Mary Magdalen, Jesus, John Lennon, Bob Marley, Harriet Tubman and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. just to name a few!

My Beloved Son

January 2012 Blog

My son Dallen and I have been going to an amazing healer. No pretending with her... she reads energy and your mind. She is absolutely amazing. My son and I have been having a hard time with the reality of adoption and reunion. He lost a brother just as I lost a son. I never realized that relinquishing my first born son to adoption would also hugely affect my 2nd born, first raised, son... Dallen has suffered a phobia of being kidnapped his whole life and he still suffers often not feeling safe even currently at the age of 15.

Kai, (my first born) Dallen's brother, entered Dallen's life when he was 9 and Kai was 19. It was hard in the beginning for Dallen just as much as it was difficult for me. Dallen, being the "oldest" in our raised family unit was demoted to middle child. Instead of his dad asking him to go places, this new older brother was being asked and he felt like his spot was taken as oldest son. Dallen also had insecurities that my love wasn't huge enough to share with this new older brother and he had fear that he would receive less love from me with this new older brother moving on the turf. To top it off, Kirah, his little sister who has always treated him poorly because of her bossy ways, was kissing this new older brother's ass even when this new older brother was treating his younger sister more poorly than he himself ever had. Not to mention, the grandmother's and grandfather's that went gaga goo goo over this new older brother moving on the scene and getting all this attention when here he had been right under their noses this whole time. But ... it was all worth it... he now had his older brother in his life.

As conflicting it has been, wanting Kai 100% in our space/not wanting Kai in our space at all; we had to seek out profession help. We had to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of Kai in our family and accept it for what it is because we cannot change the past. We needed to clear the energy, so we could have a healthy relationship in the future since our relationship has been traumatized by adoption... my "choice" as a 16 year old mother, I know... I will live with that "choice" for the rest of my life.

It has been a huge blessing to have my son Dallen on this journey of healing with me. He teaches me as much as I teach him. It's crazy, but he will process an emotion, be upset, react, scream and rage... and then, shortly thereafter, I am processing that same emotion and what he just processed. It was so great to have Dallen to look to and find comfort and laugh saying, "I pulled a Dallen, Dallen knows what I mean."

Well, this last upset we were to process, I went first... not on purpose, it just happened that way. It was good to be able to help Dallen with this process, by helping him through it, I was able to further heal and strengthen my emotional charge on the upset and then in return I was able to further heal and strengthen Dallen on his emotional charge on the upset.

I feel Dallen and I have been able to shift, having acceptance that it is what it is. Kai is who he is and we are who we are. And with that, Dallen said chuckling, "because after all mom, Kai did not ask for this and ultimately he is just making the best of it the only way he knows how... because mom, if it were me that had to be raised without you in Wyoming, I'D BE PISSED."

After these wise words from my beloved son who I refer to as my dessert, (my reward for my obedience having sacrificed a son to the world in the name of adoption so I could help others heal ... wounded healer ... my reward from above to help me heal first and foremost so I could help others heal... my reward from above to support me and help me heal others... my cherry on top)... I could not help but feel his words penetrate my soul... "Kai did not ask for this and ultimately he is just making the best of it the only way he knows how... because mom, if it were me that had to be raised without you in Wyoming, I'D BE PISSED."

I have finally been able to accept 100% it is what it is, and I think I can accept that I didn't fight hard enough for my motherhood in 1986. I can honestly say, that I have fought hard to prove my love to try to earn my motherhood when in all reality, it is what it is and I am who I am... and honestly, nothing can take my motherhood away because it just IS. With that reality, I can let go of all the energy of grieving and trying to earn the place of mother, because whether Kai wants to accept it or not is up to him... and in all reality why should he when I haven't been the one to be there. Like Dallen said "... I'D BE PISSED." So in all reality, I owe my first born an apology... An apology that he has never asked for; the need of an apology which I have just realized, thanks to my beloved son, Dallen.

ASTROLOGY!!!

February 2012 Blog

I've done it! I have dove in to ASTROLOGY! And do you know what my favorite part about it is? It doesn't give a ratz ass who you were born to, or what the heck is your heritage anyways! LOL

Don't get me wrong, I am so grateful for the half of my heritage I have and know. But I think I am finally done giving a ratz ass who is not choosing to be a part of my heritage through loss of adoption! If I never meet or know my paternal grandmother or my paternal cousins, uncles or aunts; I can rest assured that I have researched pretty much every aspect of decoding this thing called my life and how everything works from an energetically, spiritually, physically, emotionally, scientifically, historically... you name it... side of it.

I can honestly say: I know myself well enough from knowing half of my family, history and all; knowing how everything is energy and how we hold energy in our DNA that passes down our dysfunctional energy magically through the air until that energy of dysfunction is healed and not spinning any longer; knowing how the emotional upsets manifest physically and healing emotional upset is how we live to obtain perfect health; knowing how history repeats itself, even if you were not raised anywhere near your family, you are total clones of two... a combination of two people who are your parents, whether you have been adopted or not; knowing how babies are born with 100% usage of their brain, all knowing straight from heaven... trapped in this little helpless body that has to trust in their mother to provide them with the best outcome for their mission in this life that they themselves have created to live to gain more hands on wisdom or shall I say, in these last of days especially, to bring awareness and healing... and depending on what they are exposed to is how they are going to take all the information from the 23 chromosomes from each parent and truly take 5 years to create/program what this vessel of a human body will utilize and develop strongly before the thickening of the veil as the shutting down of parts of this human brain happens as it occurs surely and slowly unless stimulated and is constantly judging creating aspects and perspectives... to go on in this vessel of a body, "a spiritual being having a human experience", continuing blindly equipped with the energy we were born with, genetically, as well as universally; knowing how important DNA is to our soul group, to live and learn and conquer to full awareness and knowing that LOVE is the most powerful energy and is highly magical... this knowing obtained from living through the history clear from Adam and Eve all as a whole, learning as a whole, all one, learning certain themes as a soul group, living the down of it to KNOW the up of it, learning from the ancestors before us...

I have totally figured ME out and I am pretty damn amazing and as for anyone that doesn't think so, I really don't give a ratz ass... It is very freeing to love and understand yourself to such a high level that I can seriously imagine and have figured out how my other half of my family is and how much they all look just like me and act just like me.

But back to astrology... It doesn't give a ratz ass who you were born to, or who the heck is your heritage anyways! After decoding my husband, my children and me, it was so exciting to see how equipped and prepared we are, down to the time of our delivery to survive, live, learn and heal ourselves, our families and others by the experiences we have experienced. Because after all, we all are just "spiritual beings having a human experience", a human experience that has got itself in a world of ego and apathy, a world that needs masters to bring awareness and healing for humans on this beautiful Mother Earth... And I can honestly say I have mastered some stuff!!!

### Suzi Enters our Life

February 2012

The holidays came and past and that was when I started taking Dallen to the tanning salon and the tanning salon medium was giving me lots of amazing information and instruction. It was the end of February and I had continued to pray fervently, " _I need help, I need an army_." At this point, I was still trying to save Steve and keep the family together. I had been feeling a lot of rejection from my eldest son Kai. Dallen was also feeling rejected from his older brother. We have missed so much of his life and we had dreams and expectations that Kai would return from his mission and move in with us so we all could experience being a whole happy family.

Immediately upon arriving back from his mission, our dreams were crushed. Kai returned in February 2011, married his girlfriend, April **23** rd and by May he was in Texas selling security alarms for Vivent.

Kai was excited to move on with his life and have a family of his own. I could understand his rush. This juggle between the two families is awful and I can see his desire to have his own solid family. But the rejection we felt was too much.

Kai returned from selling the end of September... It is February 2012 our family was doing a nosedive; Steve using heavier by the day. I take Dallen tanning...I was trying to keep Dallen's spirits up because something's going down with his father and it is such a bummer about that older brother of his _(again, our own selfish reasons of wanting him in our life)_... I was so down on life, not wanting to talk to anyone, I made sure I had my nose in my book.

As soon as Dallen walks back to tan, I hear this, " _More and more Crystal children are coming_."

Well that got my attention.... I look up from my book and this cute little pixie, ( _woman_ ) is staring my way with her big beautiful blue eyes. I offer, " _My son is a Crystal"_.

" _Oh yes, I know."_ Suzi proceeds to explain that she is a Medium and continues to inform me about Crystal children because she noticed I had one.

Suzi told me many things. But most importantly, " _You are supposed to be in Hawaii_ ", confirming what Dallen, once again, _knew._ Suzi explained her best what was going on at home with Steve and what the rejection was all about with Kai. All she knew is that I need to go see her healer friend in Mapleton cause I needed to get my butt to Hawaii, " _You are going to live near Wayne Dyer, wherever he lives_." (I ended up in Lahaina, which is very near Ka'anapoli where he lives).

### Kdawn and Kevin roll into town

March 2012

By now, I was homeschooling Dallen, again. Dallen and I were having a hard time dealing with the man of the house on heroin. I got really creative with homeschool. Dallen built a hut while I read him Science.

By now Dallen and I were partaking in the medicine pretty regularly, Mary Jane was the only thing I could bribe Dallen to get out of bed for. I would use the herb to get him to do his chores and studies... It got around pretty quick that Dallen's mother approves of Marijuana and eventually it grew to DFS always stopping by with cops wanting to investigate the house to see if I was providing a safe sanctuary for my children. Rumor had it so bad, I was the supposed dealer for the junior high.

I passed all of the surprise house visits with flying colors. They could tell I knew how to deal with my children and that I was an intelligent person. Plus I'm sure they are experts at reading the energy of the home and I bet they read people even better. The only real problem we had to conceal was the dad that is on heroin. If only they knew, they would have totally taken my children away, when in all reality, my children were right where they needed to be and I had a handle on things taking care of other peoples' children as well. If society wanted to really help, they could have offered food. I was just going to fight to keep society out of my business so that I can take better care of my children.

These surprise visits were getting more frequent and along with the bishop stopping by, foreclosure people stopping by, Steve's collectors stopping by, etc... If you didn't do the secret knock, everyone in the house would hide and whisper _"shh quiet..."_ sneak to the door and peek to see who it is. It was kind of fun but a crazy way to live.

It was during this time that Kdawn and Kevin came from Vegas for a visit. I had been practicing my meditation skills and had been showing others how to clear their chakras. Marijuana is a great medicine that helps with the resistance of sitting still and allowing one to quiet their thoughts to allow for one to slip into a meditated state. I was grateful for my niece, nephews, and their many friends that frequented my home for advice and wisdom. They encouraged me to practice my healing skills on them to help them get through their hard times.

After one of these healing sessions with Kdawn and Kevin, we emerged from down stairs to find DFS and the cops knocking at the door once again. Kdawn and Kevin couldn't believe that this is how I am living... in such fear energy. Kdawn, being the wise woman that she is, took action and told me how to handle this. I am to honor my Medicine Woman Healing Ways and tell that DFS woman that is exactly what I was doing... I was in a healing session with a couple that has drove up all the way from Vegas and I do not answer the door during sessions. Kdawn then made sure we had a " _quick hide the paraphernalia_ " drill.

Kdawn always magically arrives in the right timing preparing me for what's to come along with her lovely warm visits.

I love having a full house no matter the age... all is welcome. I often had many over. Having others to serve and take care of, helps take your mind off of your own shit. I loved having Pati and the kids over as often as they were. Children have the beautiful talent of finding joy everywhere, staying in the NOW.

### My Army Arrives

March 2012

Things were getting worse and worse. Bills weren't getting paid. Steve and I had met with the bishop in _October_ to help with our utility bills... well, any bills that they would assist with... Here we were living in a 5000 square foot home with outrageous bills; I could understand the silliness in asking for help for our abundant/lavish lifestyle... But Steve made sense of it, justifying, and saying, _"Do you know how much money we have paid in our tithe over the years? Thousands, hundreds of thousands... We can ask for help once in our life."_

I tell you about this part of the story only to explain what exactly the cherry on top was for me to leave the LDS church.

It was _October_ 2011 when we went in asking for financial assistance. Firstly, let me fill you in on the ward I was living in. We had just moved into a fancy neighborhood... Boyd K. Packer's ward... Boyd K. Packer is rumored to be the next prophet for the LDS religion. He is an apostle for the church and his son who lives in the ward also, is a member of the Seventy, which to my understanding is the step before being an apostle... Not that they intermittently have anything to do with my story, but let's just say, this ward had more of a stuffy feel than other wards I have lived in.

Sacrament was great, now that my children were older and I didn't have to worry about keeping them quiet; you always could hear so well, truly, even if a pin dropped.

I never have cared what others have thought; I have been sporting violet hair color since 1991 and tis the season, (Halloween) I was sporting acrylic stiletto nails... beautiful claws. I guess some would say I looked like a witch. But I am a good witch, lol. Bottom line, I scared the neighbors with my energy talk and teaching others to clear your Chakras...

I had started taking classes about energy and alternative healing in 2004 when I found out my husband had been cheating on me and was expecting a child with another woman. At the time, I was so upset with my personal life... _I had dedicated myself over and beyond putting everyone else's needs before mine, and I was very disappointed with where my life had got me with living life in such a way..._ if you had invited me to a shoelace party, I would have showed up early and left late.

This energy class was held at my good friend Tiffani's neighbor's house. It was with a small group of ladies, young and old, Mormon and not Mormon ( _but being Salt Lake City Utah, most in attendance were good ole Relief Society ladies)_ gathering together to gain knowledge about Essential Oils, Crystals, Energy Clearing, Chakra Clearing, and benefits of Healthy Eating and living taught by a talented Ms Sylvia.

I had always paid for Psychic Readings ever since I was 17 continually needing reassurance I did the right thing in placing my baby up for adoption. About once a year, I had to hear that oldest boy of mine was safe and happy and how else to do that except through a psychic, medium, sensitive, gifted, _WITCH_ , whatever you want to call it.

I have met with this certain group of ladies over the years, continually sharing our life stories and findings on how this world works. I credit this intervention in my life to my success to healing as much as I do Marijuana. God bless my "Hoodoo Voodoo" Sistahs, ( _that is what I like to call us_ ). The ladies and I have never toked together... they all know I do... they don't know when I am stoned and when I am not, nor do they care.

My appearance didn't help much for the neighbors' fears. Afterall, I have long flowing violet hair and I love my stiletto claw like acrylic nails... _art at my fingertips_ ... By the time we had asked the bishop of this new ward for assistance, I guess a buzz was going around that I might be a practicing witch. The bishop did help us with our utilities for one month, but he did call me in to his office to address my "witch" like behavior... _(In behalf of the Bishop's ... Tis the season, Ya I wore my goddess dress to church accessorized with my combat belt & boots... and had sent a few invitations for a "Halloween" party Girls get together at my home)_.

Inviting all Good "Witches"

The Witches Council is a group of high-level and powerful witches and warlocks that preside over the magical society of the Mortal and Magical Realms as well as the proper use of magic by witches. It is the highest governing body for magical creatures in either realm and all magical beings answer to them (on occasion so do mortals when they become entangled in magical affairs).

For the most part they are a tyrannical group who create foolish and nonsensical laws and rules to suit their own desires, however for the most part their primary goal is to ensure magic is not abused (although some of them take great delight in the sometimes barbaric and outdated lessons which they often force young witches to learn).

Join me at my fairlicious castle to discuss the magical realm in our lives.

After being confronted by the bishop about his and many others fears of me being a practicing witch, I really never went back to the church for any kind of help. I just continued to talk to God, Spirit, Universe, Source, whatever, whoever, ya'all want to call it. I just knew that the help I was to get had to come outside of this physical realm.

March 2011 was an eventful month... My army arrived.

Within a week, I had 6 young adults living in my home. Elden was the first to arrive. Turning 19, having many decisions to make, feeling pressure to go on a mission, feeling unhappy about his life in a huge way, he called up his auntie to see if he could move in.

When Elden had moved in, he had never touched any liquor or smoked any herb in his life. He was a good Mormon boy that just wasn't that sure if he wanted to go on a mission; but wasn't looking for a party by any means.

My sister had huge fear that her son would start smoking weed if he moved in with Aunt Keri... I have always owned my truth and it was no secret that Dallen and I were smoking the herb...

Chance, 20, was the next nephew to call.

Is how Chance explained it, _"My mom is so angry with Elden that she has kicked_ _me_ _out."_ Now, Chance has tried Marijuana but he tends to like alcohol better; which scares me. I get confused at the acceptance of alcohol when it continues to ruin so many peoples' lives, yet it is legal. Chance is another Crystal child. He struggles with never knowing his father, coming from a split/joined family, figuring out who he is, who he wants to be, typical adoptee identity issues.

I have always been very close with Chance. My sister wasn't in much of a relationship with his father and _I_ , having been married for a few years childless, was very involved in theirs.

Crazily, three days later, their brother Jade calls me explaining that his mother had kicked him out because she found out he was dealing weed. " _Well, Jade darling, you are an answer to my prayers_ "...

No, seriously, Dallen and I hated our lives so bad that if it were not for Marijuana, we would have just given up and DIED. I seriously had run out of money and did not have any more resources to get any more medicine.

Going down this downward spiral I was able to get a clear understanding of the order of importance things were that made me happy. We had been in such financial abundance that I was so unaware of what really living within your means, _means._ As the money disappeared, I had choices to make... what to eliminate first? When it came down to the last things, it was, "lashes or a bag of weed?", "nails or a bag of weed?" Thank God it did not get down to "purple hair or a bag of weed?" before Jade moved in because that is one thing I have learned about myself, I love my hair a lot. It is how I see myself. But weed was the only thing that could help us see joy in this downward spiral we were in with having the man of the house numb his pain with heroin.

My home was in foreclosure but as long as I still have a roof over my home, all were welcome. Within a week I had accumulated 6 young adults ranging from 19-20 years in age, and their friends. _The great thing about Marijuana, it brings you together. I loved our daily gatherings/family meetings, keeping up with how well everyone was doing._

Jade brought a friend, Jr, who was kicked out of his father's home for Marijuana related reasons as well. Next was Steve's niece Zara joining us once again. Her parents didn't like her new career as a stripper. Zara brought a friend, Jasmine, who also had been told by her parents to move out.

Like I said, within one week, I had an army delivered at my doorstep. The best army anyone could ask for. I know there is no way any other family members could handle what was to come next.

I loved how full my house always was. I enjoyed getting to know the friends... it was my safe haven where I felt many had my back.

### Lots of Sistahs and Broddas

April 2012

I loved how many felt comfortable to regularly stop in. I felt our home provided a sanctuary for many. I benefited greatly having so many young adults that would listen to me, understanding the talk I talk. Always welcoming me as a mother figure in their lives; also welcoming my nurturing ways, allowing me to play out my most comfortable role, Mother Hubbard ... having so many children, except I am going to have full cupboards and always know what to do.

It was very beneficial for my children to have many " _older sibling"_ mentoring relationships that filled the void where an older sibling belonged... and I can't even begin to tell you how beneficial to me it was to have these brilliant strong connected warriers always answering my desires and needs by following their hearts, reaching out upon thought.

During this time of my life, I had been diligently studying the scriptures, going to healing classes/sessions, teaching others healing classes/sessions, but still not understanding why my situation was still the same. I was _willing_ what I wanted with my mind, it literarily exhausted me... _(I was doing it all wrong, begging and pleading to God Universe, Source, whoever would listen to deliver)._ In freeing myself of my own limitations of my lack of belief, I threw in the towel and demanded the Universe to deliver.

Having a teenage daughter that has just had a growth spurt, I was extremely grateful that I dressed like a teen because when we did not have funds to buy Kirah new clothes, I suggested she jump in my closet.

Kirah jumped on in and jumped out leaving only skirts. I was sick of wearing skirts every day and questioned how the Universe could provide if you are a long-legged skinny hip mom in need of Levi's with no means to go buy any even at a second hand store... Levi's are hard to find that fit good even when I am digging through many stores. I took this as my first challenge for the Universe to deliver, testing: intention, energy, and Chakra manifestation.

Within 24 hours my dear sweet Ashley, one of my high school favorite friend's daughter _(Ann Marie)_. had phoned to see if I was up for a visit, she was going to be in the neighborhood. After hearing the latest story of my supplying Kirah with my wardrobe and I am so sick of wearing dresses story. Ashley got a smile on her face and said, _"I know why I am here."_ Ashley was on her way to Plato's Closet to sell all her older Levi's that she doesn't wear, but got a sudden desire to come see me before she went. With that, she gave Kirah the keys to her trunk and Kirah brought in a bag full of designer Levi's that actually fit me better than my teenager pants and even make me look more my age. Should I mention, they all made it to Hawaii as cutoffs. God bless Ashley.

### The Storm Rolls In

May 2012

After the nephews, niece and friends moved and settled in, Steve's behavior continued to get worse. It took the nine of us watching out for Steve's strange behavior, questioning his where-abouts, piecing the puzzle together... He says he is going to work, bills still aren't getting paid, he is more and more medicated, more and more things are coming up missing... Then... one night, Steve accidentally butt called me... I am listening in horror as I listen to Steve talking to another, planning a heist with weapons. I run down stairs to the children and we all gather around as we listen closely on speaker phone Steve and this other kid are scheduling around the kid's plans of shopping with his mother... We all listen in... paying attention to when this is all going to go down. ... After what seemed like an hour, Steve's phone discontinued the connection.

Strangely enough, right at that moment, Steve's mother calls me. She has sensed _"Steve is about to do something horrible and is in danger."_ I confirm how accurate her feelings are and fill her in on what just happened. Together, Steve's mother and I plan out an intervention with a medicine man and peyote.

My job was to lure Steve home via phone and when he arrives, we are to take his keys and phone away... Do everything in our power to detain him until she can arrive to start the cleanse.

I called Steve threatening to start liquidating his furniture to pay the bills and he better get his ass home to stop me. I did not inform him of his butt calling me. After multiple calls such as " _loading up your DVD's to take to FYE for money_ " Steve arrived two hours later.

Together with my young army, we were able to confuse Steve enough to: flatten his tire; disconnect the battery to the truck; get his keys and Dallen was the one that was quick and fast, standing up to his father grabbing his phone and throwing it over the fence onto Highland Dr., a busy road behind our house.

The endurance of this man was unbelievable. He was determined to get out of there with his truck and phone. Steve freaked out when Dallen threw his phone over the fence and did not waste any time, Steve goes to the garage and gets a ladder to climb over the fence; gets on top of the wood fence; grabs the ladder; lifts the ladder over the fence to set down on the other side; climbs down; runs into the street to find his phone crushed.

Steve then climbs back up the ladder; gets on top of the fence, teetering almost falling onto his head grabbing the ladder to lift onto the other side... Together we were watching over Steve as well trying to stop him. Elden grabbing onto his uncle's legs to save him from falling and assisted Steve safely back in the yard. Once in the yard, the struggle was on again...

Finally, I had no choice but to grab my coat and follow Steve on foot to Verizon. Steve was determined to get a new phone that night. I knew time was on my side and stores were closing. I followed Steve a mile or so in the rain to finally arrive to Verizon just closing.

I called Steve's mother to see if she was almost in the vicinity. She arrived to pick us up 15 minutes later. Steve's mother is able to coax him into going back home and drink some peyote to start the cleanse.

I nursed and cared for Steve with him spewing and shitting everywhere, messing sheets and missing toilets... not a pretty detox. After two weeks of that and an amazing ceremony with a Navaho Medicine Man, Steve was determined to get back to making money and his new adventure was Bunkers.

The boys supported their uncle, escorting Steve to "End of the World" shows handing out pamphlets to get orders for installing Bunkers. It didn't take long before Steve was making excuses to go get this or go get that, making watching over their Uncle, nearly impossible.

### Pat

March 2012

I finally had saved up money for the healer down south and now that we had Steve somewhat detoxed, _or so we thought_ , I went to get direction and find out about this Hawaii thing. The healer informed me, _"You are supposed to be in Hawaii, you are late. The Universe has gifted you more time. You have until June 1_ st _, either you go voluntarily or havoc and destruction will come to get you there. You have contracts with people, everything will fall into place. You will meet a good friend right from the start that will help you ease into things. There is a Property Manager that will take care of you. You will be volunteering with the Dolphins. I see you helping a mother out. You have a car; you will be taken care of. If you only knew what is in store for you, you would have already left."_ She continued to tell me many things to prepare me for my departure instructing me to be getting ready... I had a little less than three months...

I had gone to Pat with my nephew Chance. After my appointment, we had gone and visited Kai. After all, he lived 5 minutes away from my appointment and I hadn't been over to see his new place. Our relationship was not a comfortable one for me. I hated what it was, I hated how his parents were, I hated that he was married _for my own selfish reasons_ ; I hated pretty much _everything_ about the situation surrounding Kai... down to his new dog!!!

... _Which I must fill you in on... 1987, three months without child, my mom saw a need to get me a dog. She could not ignore the huge void that needed to be filled. I named him Joshua... I had him with me in California, and everywhere I went... Until, I married Steve and he hated the dog because he knew exactly what void it replaced. Steve made me give Joshua away._

Well it just so happens that Ami and Kai got themselves a little dog; _Joshua's twin brother_ , Riley. I could not understand this strong strange coincidence/Universal message... but bottom line; I was not liking the situation in Utah at all, no part of it.

Chance said I was a snot... and most likely _I_ was... out of hurt, ego, emotions, not having a filter... I made some comments that he probably did not appreciate... but that is a huge reason why I needed to leave across seas away from Utah... I was having a hard time pretending and not liking what it was.

My 42nd Birthday

4/29/12 Blog

It has been a grand birthday in deed, for sure... and it is only noon!!!

It has been a rough patch in my life for sure. I will skip all the details and just go straight to....

"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!!"

This rough patch that I have mentioned has been the biggest, eye opening, invigorating, experience... blessing... in my life.

My son has reminded me, I have something to say...

Dallen says to me, "Mom, you would write good lyrics".

I smiled at him, acknowledging I had just gone gorillas on my parents and when I go gorillas I get pretty comical with what I say in a brut, blunt, let's get to the point already, kind of way.

Dallen chuckles, "No I mean, because you have experienced a LOT."

I laugh a little harder and said, "Dallen, I have too much say, I can't keep it to a song... I have to write books about it."

And I am telling you, this last book is going to be the best one ever!

For my 42nd birthday, I thought to the Universe; "I would like a meal to feed all my children who I have been blessed with to nurture at this time in my life & go see The Lorax with everyone."

What time in my life you ask? ... My husband is quitting heroin... He started heroin because he could not get off prescription drugs... and when no one else would step up to offer genuine help... Aunt Keri, (me) got calls left and right from her niece and nephews. All within one week, I had four 18 year olds & one 20 year old moved in joining me on this ride of healing.

I HAVE LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!

I needed these warriors of God. Not many... well... in my family... could have handled this intensity.

... Well, my mother heard my birthday desire (telepathically/Universally) and showed up a few days before my birthday with KFC for all these mouths here to feed... And then the evening before my birthday, the kids found a brand new cooler on the front porch filled with many meals to feed a crew!

The best part about these experiences is the joy and belief in God look that these kids have on their faces when they witness the magical things that happen every day in my life.

My birthday just keeps getting better; we are all going to go see "The Lorax" (my all time favorite little guy!)... at 4:20.

June 1st...

Even under high supervision Steve was able to sneak out and use again. It was hopeless; we all were frustrated by Steve's choices choosing to use... Slowly my army cleared out... I was getting nervous, June 1st was almost here and I was still in Utah...

The day came alright... a day I was expecting to happen on June 1st... I was walking on eggshells just waiting to see what June was to bring... June 13th, Steve comes stumbling home; relapsed... the shit goes down... in a bad way...

Steve had brought his heroin dealer to the house... a man upon first meeting, I ordered was never allowed near my home. I had sensed this man was bad news. Steve had always lied; introducing this man as if he was business related... a worker... But Dallen and I instantly sensed _bad_ _._

Interestingly enough, just one hour prior to Steve and this dealer pulling up, my nephew Jade had arrived with a friend to finish hauling his things out of the house. Jade and his buddy were down stairs when Steve arrived.

Steve had left the dealer outside while he entered the house to pack a bag. Instantly knowing Steve was up to no good, Dallen and I followed him as he was explaining that he needed to pack a bag _,(with 5 pairs of Levis)_ for a job, _"they are pouring a foundation in the mountains"_??? Or whatever it was he was saying.

We all were so angry at the choices Steve had been making.

Dallen ripped Steve's shorts off of him and was able to get the pill bottle with heroin off of him. It was quite a scene of mother and son against father. Steve slipped new shorts on and was angry at our behavior of attacking him... And for some crazy reason... I grabbed the Cutco scissors and put them in my pocket on the way out following Dallen who was following Steve out of the house through the garage to the exposed driveway... Jade and friend were emerging from the downstairs to see what all the racket was... Jade follows after asking if I am ok... walking past confidently shoving the scissors in my pocket I tell him "I got this".

Jade and friend followed with Kirah in the rear of this lineup... Dealer dude was advancing forward to get back in Steve's truck to leave to go do whatever it was they were planning on doing... _and I tell you what...it couldn't be of any good_.

As we all get to the driveway out front of my house advancing forward... those 2 against us 5... Dallen in the lead, me following, with Jade right beside me... friend and Kirah stood back holding space...Advancing on Steve's partner in crime Dallen grabs a garden rake and charges the guy... Jade being the older brotha took the rake from Dallen to prevent a murder on Dallens hands, chasing dealer dude off, freeing Dallen to stop his father.

Simultaneously like a pack, I jump in the passenger seat finding a pile of crow bars at my feet... before I can even close the door, dealer dude was back... Jade had ran to Dallens side to be there when Dallen needed a break ... _tag teaming._ The dealer dude was approaching the passenger side where I was about to close the door... I grab this dude's soda from middle console throwing his drink in his face, advancing on him charging him like a crazed mad woman with one of the crowbars from my feet.

With dealer dude off the scene, throwing the crowbar back with the rest of them, I jump back in the passenger seat telling Steve to give Dallen the keys... At this point Dallens hand was wrapped around his fathers, grasping desperately with all his might trying to stop his father... I swiftly whip my scissors out of my pocket and inform Steve calmly that I am going to count to three and then I will stab him... "123" I counted quickly following a stab in his thigh... following another "123" stabbing in the thigh ( _through Levi's... no blood_ ) and a "123" stabbing in the bicep ( _through a thick shirt... no blood)_ ... That final stab in the bicep was the cherry bomb... immediately Dallen was able to win the struggle pulling his father out of the vehicle.

Dallen exhausted as hell and Jade noticing jumps in... _when Jade would take over, a crazy look would appear in Steve's eyes so Dallen would jump in and the crazy look and strength would dimmer..._ As I jump out of passenger side to to join the boyz grabbing once again a crow bar, I tell Kirah and the friend "call the cops".

I join the boyz who are switching off until they finally pin Steve down with them both laying on top using all limbs like I have seen at wrestling matches... ... Steve was hanging on to his keys with Dallen continuing the struggle of prying his father's fingers open to get the keys. With the boyz tiring, I calmly knelt down at my husband's head placing the crow bar over his throat. I once again inform Steve that I am going to count to three and then apply pressure, he just needs to release his grip on the keys and it's over... "123"... kneeling at my husband's head I apply full force down blocking his airwave... it didn't take long for him to lose grip and Dallen to get keys.

Folks... I am one that is known to not involve cops so my daughter has learned that when I say call the cops, I mean... really... call the cops. I have resorted to their assistance twice in my life...

Simultaneously the cops rolled in just as Steve lost his grip and we all jumped up just in time for the cops to take over and off Steve went with possession charges... Only to be bailed out by Jac, his lover from 1986.

Such craziness, Jac ( _the mother of Steve's 2_ nd _child also lost to adoption_ ) bailed Steve out ASAP and brought my shell of a husband, whom has been taken over by his demons, over to my house to get his things out of the house. I looked at Dallen apologizing, _"Dallen, I'm sorry but this is the end of the contract, its over."_ I then told Steve the same; I was able to let him go. _Pat, the healer from down south, had cut the cords once again that Steve had plugged into me. For the first time in my life I could completely walk away with no sorrow, no bitterness, just hope for a better future_.

During the following week I worked rapidly selling furniture, gifting stuff away, advertising my 1967 Mustang for sale... Steve had always hated my asset I brought into the marriage _(my car)_ calling it a money pit, continually harassing me to sale it. I refused holding on to it saying, _"Not until I need a roof over my head."_ And here I was, exactly at that point.

I had run out of time on selling the Mustang, Pat had told me to forget about the $10,000 amount that I was so set on getting. She also told me, _"You need to go to your grandfather's house and give him one last chance to offer information to free his soul and before leaving ask him if he can offer any money to assist you in your travels."_ Saying almost word for word exactly what Suzi had told me.

On my way to the car lot to accept $6500 for my Mustang, I surprised my grandfather with a surprise visit... You figure, my father was still alive at this point. The two of them were "disgusted" with my behavior of not letting ole dogs lie... I hadn't talked to either of them for at least a good year, I was not looking forward to the visit but when you are told by two separate strangers that your deceased grandmother is the one insisting on the message being given by me, along with information that only a truly gifted could know about my grandmother and the situation... how could I not obey.

I confronted my grandfather once more asking for the name of my biological grandmother who is a woman whose shoes I have walked, losing a child to adoption myself. My grandfather avoided the question, very upset that I was bringing this up again.

For you see... after learning how this Universe works in such an orderly way and knowing that once you have walked someone's shoes, you recognize their shoes, and once you know your ancestry stories, you see a pattern and together there is just no denying... cycles need to be broken... energy needs to be cleared.

I know my grandfather's guilt... I am recognizing too many things being a wife who has a husband that cheated and now has a child with another woman. But instead of adopting the child born out of wedlock, having no admission to sin, pretending there was no sin; Steve openly owned his actions... I was given the opportunity to practice what I preach and "Love One Another 'adopt' the Mother"... to love this child in her highest good I needed to first and foremost love and forgive her parents, get rid of the hurt and bitterness so when that beautiful daughter of God runs into my arms for comfort, I can love that child in her highest good by genuinely loving her father AND her mother. Becky and I were able to look past the past and focus on the Now, developing a beautiful sistah relationship... I always honored Becky's role as Sidnee's mother and Becky respected my role as Sidnee's father's wife, losing her interest in Steve in a romantic way.

Anyways, grandpa got kind of scary; speaking under his breath saying I needed to quit bringing up what the demons made him do. And even with me pouring out my heart to him explaining why I can't pretend anymore and I am leaving to Hawaii to never come back and this is the last time he will see me; I then asked if he would like to gift me any money to help me on my journey... My grandfather stiffly shook his head no and off I left. I haven't seen my grandfather since. But I faced my fear, faced my grandfather and did what Suzy and Pat both said my grandmother had expressed from the other side that needed to happen before I left.

Steve realized I was serious about Hawaii and insisted I stop selling his furniture; he paid me $1500 and helped me rent a car to leave Utah, head to Vegas, figure it out from there at his sister's house. The bank offered me $3000 to get out in two weeks. I had to let my Mustang go for $6500, I had ran out of time. At the last minute my nephews Chance and Elden said they couldn't see themselves staying behind in Utah.

I asked them, " _If money weren't an issue, what would your choice be?_ "

They both said, _"Go to Maui."_

" _Ok, then pack your stuff, get it dialed in and let's go."_

My sister freaked out; I am taking both her boys to Hawaii. I traded my daughter for her boys... I don't think she saw it as so simple. Everyone thought I was crazy following Dallen and other gifted people's advice. They don't realize Dallen is my creation. I have taught him everything I know and have protected his pure spirit ferociously. I have lived with him 24-7 since the day of his birth and have witnessed many times Dallen predict the future; warning me, keeping me forewarned, and better prepared to deal with what's to come for 15 years. So when one of Pat's instructions was to _"listen to Dallen, if Dallen says stop, you stop. If Dallen says turn right, you turn right. Dallen is your compass."_ It was not a difficult instruction for me to obey. It actually confirmed what I already knew and gave me the confidence to openly say and do such things as end conversations on the phone because Dallen would walk in the room out of nowhere _(sensing my energy)_ and say _"Whoever it is, tell them goodbye."_ I was at a very delicate time in my life, getting rid of the life I had known for **23** years.

And speaking of **23** ... What does that number mean anyway??? I have always revered the number **23** ... I thought that maybe I loved the number so well because maybe it would be my best birthday ever, and I would love being **23** , _(thinking,_ _23_ _must be the year that the best things in life happen)_ ... But as my age of **23** came and went without any overzealous moment to hold **23** as a revered year I then just assumed it just was my favorite number for some reason. ... But know that I am 43, I see all the **23's** .... Kai's birthday is December **23** ... Steve and I were married on July **23** and ended it after **23** years, seriously a week before July **23** 2011 which would have made it 24 years. Sidnee's birthday is January **23** , my Mustang odometer stopped working at **23** 000. Kai and Ami marry April **23** ... (just to name a few off the top of my head) ... Well, according to Doreen Virtue's Angel Numbers 101 book... _23_ means _you are working closely with one or more ascended masters such as Jesus, Moses, the saints, or the goddesses. This is a message from your ascended master guides, who can see that the answer to your prayers is within reach. They encourage you to stay positive to ensure that you attract the best possible outcome. ..._ Hmmm, that is good stuff... Let us add it down to one number for the numerology take on it... 2+3=5... _5, a significant change is occurring, always for the better. It's a good idea to call upon Heaven for help with life changes..._

Letting go of **23** years of accumulation of stuff and memories; Leaving a marriage that I was so determined was going to last forever... Well, at least until death did us part... was a huge step into the unknown for me and all about facing my fears, trusting in God and the Universe. My whole life was crumbling before my eyes. Saying goodbye to everything and everyone I know... Leaving my daughter with my sister having to say goodbye, loading up our last belongings into the rented Suburban was another surreal feeling that was similar to that separation we had to go through seven years ago in 2005 when we had to leave Kai in Wyoming on Christmas Eve after just coming together again... I felt like this is just temporary, but at the same time, I'm nervous as hell.

My sister, Toni and I didn't say goodbye, she was so upset I was taking both her boys. Dallen had to leave his dog Zues behind and off the four of us went... to Vegas.

### Viva Las Vegas

July 2012

It felt so good to arrive at Kdawn's. We had just left home and had driven straight to Vegas. It felt good to be welcomed into family's arms. Kdawn took great care of us, showing us Yoga, new healthy dinner choices, even a system to wash dishes by hand... which became useful upon moving to Maui, no dishwashers have I had since I left the Mainland. But most importantly, KDawn introduced a new way of living. Kdawn was an excellent example always doing Yoga, drinking green tea and green smoothies, eating easy yummy simple meals that are healthy. We have seriously survived our journey based on many of these simple ways of living.

During this time staying with Kdawn, Kevin and her son Gage... Gage would repeat a song over and over. It became one of many theme songs that got us pumped for the journey ahead. _"I Can Lift a Car"_ by Walk the Moon. The verse repeats, _"All by myself, all by myself, I can lift a car all by myself"_ It gave me strength all by myself ( _well, together as one_ ), I am going to make it all by myself... just leaving a familiar way of living, the only thing I have known; with a husband taking care of me ever and always, it was the perfect song for Gage to play over and over.

Steve's sister K-dawn welcomed us in her home. We stayed with her for a week figuring out our flights and where we were going to stay. Frantically I searched craigslist looking for places to stay. No one would take me, my credit sucked, I had no job, I had 3 teenagerish aged boys, and I'm new to the island... Finally, it took a Lee McClusky that for some reason agreed to rent to me... if I could deposit the money in his account by such and such day, it is mine. I deposited the money and we agreed to meet the day of our landing... go straight to our new home from the airport.

### Time for Take Off

July 21, 2012

It was a good thing Chance came with us. Dallen, Elden and I were so ADD, moseying on our way; we almost missed both flights... Well, did I mention, auntie Kdawn baked brownies for the plane ride.

Landing in Maui arriving at our new home had a magical feeling similar to Christmas. We arrived at dusk. Pulling up in the taxi van to our first house lit up like a Christmas tree. All the shutters in the house were open with music playing.

LET US START WITH LEE

July 2012 Blog

Everyone... Aloha! I have not had the time to call any of you, I am so sorry. All my dear friends and loved ones, I would love to, I really would, but I just haven't the time... but, there really is no time after all anyways, right... just the moment, the Now... And let me tell you all, this moment gets better and better as we go!!!

Let me tell you about this journey of mine so far... After almost missing our plane, leaving Las Vegas... you know, I won the jackpot and was chosen at security to get my phone sampled... then on the way, you know me... I have to take pictures and we got to the gate just as they had already closed the plane up.

"Are you the Stone party of four?!" CODE RED CODE RED bells, whistles... they stop the plane from any further departure action and the four of us make our way on the plane with our guitars and my purple hair.

Immediately after takeoff, the passenger on my left gets up and doesn't come back... Wow, how nice is that!!! ... I wonder... is he ill, does he have a toddler in a seat on another row??? ... Oh wells, beings that I had prayed to remember to walk around and keep my leg circulation good, (I just have recently regained feeling in my shins after flying three years ago to Oahu), I just took it as an answer to my prayers. Then as Dallen and I were all comfortably sprawled out sleeping, right before landing in Oahu, I wake up to this guy staring down at me. I open my eyes looking up at him and say all sleepily, "There you are. Where have you been?" ... I readjust myself, getting over in my assigned seat and he informs me he is a pilot... After flying I guess it is part of rotation to go under and they have beds for them to sleep... good to know.

We arrive in Oahu and wait three hours at the airport. There wasn't much to check out at gate 50 in Oahu. We were waiting around to board the plane, getting bored of waiting to board the plane, and ... good thing we were traveling with Chance, who was sick of waiting to leave gate 50 (that they are boarding from every hour or so)... because all four of us are "ADHD" and do not pay attention to overheard yapping... Chance just sensed it's time to get, so let's get, or else we would have missed this plane as well. We were the tail end of loaders on the plane once again.

We fly our little flight; land safely, then onto getting our eight gianormous suitcases. We haul our two carts across the road to catch a taxi. After three van tryouts to see how big this Stone party of four needed, we left the airport in a nice deluxe shuttle all to ourselves... only twenty bucks to my house from the airport! ... (Well, that was the end of my cheaper than expectation moments.)

I use my smart phone to direct the shuttle guy to our new home. Thank God Kirah had taught me how to use this navigation feature, it is my Maui Bible. We unload out of the shuttle and admire our beautiful home that the landlord has lit up like a Christmas tree with all the windows open, (shutters that swing out all old fashioned style.) We think for a moment that we have the wrong place, it looks so occupied, music is playing... I go to the front door and am greeted by the warmest welcoming voice, my landlord, Lee.

Lee, what a character, that guy... he is the sweetest thing... a little strange, but you all know how well I adore strange. After showing us the house, he shows us the shower that is near the back and says, "This is the best room in the house." ... (And he wasn't kidding, all three boys have had something to say after experiencing it.)

We all chuckle and get ready to go to the store because our blessed Lee can't believe how this freshly divorced mother with these three boys is flying by the seat of her pants, winging it, willing to just camp out on the beach until she figured it out and figured she would just walk to the store... Lee offered us a ride to go get groceries. We get back and this wonderful character that I wish I had pictures of just comes on in like part of the family, gets a bottle of wine out of the fridge that he had there; asks Elden to open the bottle for him, (Lee got to witness how pure this kid is, Elden had to ask directions how); Lee pours himself a glass; sits at the tea party table in the kitchen; watching us put away our groceries. He turns on the kitchen radio and lamp; sitting sipping his wine; enjoying our presence of putting away groceries. We didn't mind his peaceful sitting and sipping, and didn't even notice him slip out the back. Strange, but whatever, we love the place and are happy to be here. We go to bed exhausted.

The next morning I am chatting on the phone with my mother, telling her how sweet this dear character Lee is. The boys chime in saying how amazing he is and then we start saying how I bet so many people judge him and fear him... (Mind you, the guy lives next door in the basement. He rents out this house and the house next door that he lives in. From the moment we arrive and took possession of the house, Lee has welcomed us so well to his home... for the next few days while we were first here he has enjoyed that shower, remember his favorite room in the house... asking every time; He would come out every so often to rotate the sprinkler on the lawn in his underwear; he grows his hair out long on the sides so he can do the over comb in a forward action; he is very similar to a Gene Wilder character with the similar curly curly hair)... We are all going on how amazing this sweet man is.

My mother, who "knows" I am going to be meeting tall dark and handsome is all wondering, "this could be the one"... so we start explaining how he looks to my mother, with me saying, "He has a Bozo the clown like quality".

Dallen says "No, he is like the Yang of Beetlejuice, you know, Beetlejuice being the dark bad, the Yin of it and Lee is like the good and the light of it but he looks like a nice Beetlejuice".

After I get off the phone with my mother, we notice that lovely man Lee, on the porch under the windows hearing everything we said... Good thing we loved the guy!!!

But I put on that good ole oblivious act that I do so well, and sing out oh so sweetly, "Lee, there you are! What are you doing today? You been to church? Whatcha doing?" and I join him for a morning chit chat.

Come to find out, this dear sweet man is sweeter than we even knew. He is only living next door in the basement apt., where he grew up with his grandmother, when he comes to Maui. He has a job in Oahu and he is taking care of his mother who is 94... He grew up with his grandmother... there is a story there, some other time, but this man has never married, he didn't want to become a pig farmer so he called off the marriage and never had children. I don't know if he has any siblings, I am guessing not. But this Lee needs a family and we are so grateful to find family fresh off the boat.

So many more stories about this wonderful man, we can't wait to see again, who I plan on taking pictures with.

Sunday night, I hear a car alarm going off so I went out to see and it was Lee leaving for the airport, "Lee, where are you going?"

"Time to go back, I left some things on the porch, if you don't want or need them just throw them out if you could."... That gracious good man, had left a bag of odds and ends that we were truly needing, AND he had in the bag a can of Dallen's favorite flavor of Arizona Tea that he must have noticed Dallen drinking earlier.

"Oh Lee, you are the sweetest thing. I can't believe you were going to just sneak off without saying goodbye."

He chuckles at this, not wanting to be a bother, but loving the adoration.

I call the boys to come say goodbye and we all hug him goodbye.

I am so excited to be here. Maui has received us well. I am transfixed by the serendipities falling into place bringing the perfect people in my space like clockwork.

First thing Monday morning, two days after my arrival, I walk to open me a checking account at the same bank as Lee. I get chatting with the lovely bank lady, who loved chatting with me as well... she tells me, "You have such an Aloha spirit! You are special." I thank her humbly and ask her name... "Virginia" she says... Folks, some of you may not know about my deceased grandmother, Virginia, who adopted my father. My sister was named after her, Toni Virginia. I have been told by multiple sources that my grandmother Virginia is thick in the space while Dallen and I are going through this transition... WOW... right?

Anyways, we realize, we need a car. We walk to a car lot and meet Sal who escorted me around allll dayyyy long helping me get insurance so I can take the car off the lot. During our day together, I hear his story. Wow, does he have a story to tell, and he plans on telling it. I share with him that I have written a book. I tell him how I did it, I tell him my journey of writing the book and that then lead to his desire to have a copy... You never know what will come out of that... Come to find out... his wife works at Family Services here in Maui and I had just applied for a job there for a position to help single pregnant mothers KEEP their children.

And that leads me to Jeff & Darrin... which I must inform many of you that are not Stone family members... Steve, my past husband of 23 years has a brother, named Jeff. ... Steve, Jeff & Darrin, their childhood friend that they had pretty much been raised with as a brother, were living on their own when I met Steve.

Well, I was sitting outside of Welfare Services to see what I qualify to receive... I barely pull out a book to read and this character my age with a Mohawk, (Jeff) says, "You have the most beautiful green eyes with that purple hair"... We get chatting and come to find out, he lives in some upcountry farm like an hour away and he hitchhikes to this Welfare center that is seriously in walking distance, like seriously around the corner from my house, which did I mention... I drove there!!! (It's not as bad as it sounds; I went there on the way back from getting my car and the boys actually walked home.)

As we chitchat, I find out that his mother had died when he was 2.

His grandparents adopted him living in Napa Valley CA, but his two brothers were left to fend for themselves at the ages of 9 & 10; their dad had abandoned them on the northeast side of Maui leaving them to raise themselves on the land. When Jeff was 14 he joined his brothers in Maui... Darrin, which is spelled the same way, was a friend of the boys and brought them home to his house starting their brotherly bond. ...

Did I mention that the Husband's brother Jeff & Darrin were my two eyewitnesses for my wedding with Steve??? Interesting that the Universe sends me another Jeff & Darrin (spelled the same) ... sending a clear message to me "baring witness" once again, if you will, of me entering a new VOLUME of my life. Starting a new...

Anyway, to make a very long story short... I tend to collect children, no matter their age and Jeff tends to collect mothers. After he realized everyone adores me (not just him) and I adore everyone (not just him) and we are going to be great friends... We had an amazing day with him being our personal tour guide around the island. The boys had a great time; it seriously was like hanging out with their grandpa Randy, my father. So many more stories about Jeff & Darrin, those farmers that live in a wood building with 9 sides, all open... farming, surfing and playing guitar ALL day, every day...

I must say though, my favorite part about our driving around the island, jumping in fresh pools here and body surfing there, was meeting Shannon... the 56 year old surfer chic!!! Loved it, this beautiful woman, who is a grandmother to I don't know how many surfer babies, has got around without a car for many years. We happened across her not once but twice while she was hitching for doctors appointments... I can't even say hitchhiking, she was gracefully sitting on a cobblestone wall and Jeff pulled over and said "Hey Shannon where you going"... Shannon is Jeff's neighbor who has been on the island since 1973 when she was 17... "A good age to come to the island and learn this way of life"... she informs Dallen when she hears he is 15... This bitchin grandma reminded me how bitchin I used to be... I used to say bitchin all the time, just like she was... she reminded me of that bitchin Cali surfer chic I myself once was. Quite a day, quite a week, quite an adventure all ready!!!

Coming here has been a total blessing. It has been scary to let everything I know go and trust in God...

The eve before we flew out of Vegas I had returned a text from my first born son (who I had placed in adoption out of total ignorance which I have grown very wise on the subject because of)... "I know I'm a wreck and make things hard... Again, I'm sorry I have stepped back and distanced myself again. You know how it is... I either suffocate you, or am out of the picture... I look forward to life being simpler... I'm sure with this next move of mine I will find it, and be content with all my relations because I have totally stepped out of the box and am now living in the moment where there are no expectations just enjoying the Now and happy to be here. I am excited to let my strong motherly nurturing instinctive behavior be let loose on Hawaii to mother all God's children young and old... I have always been told who I can nurture, mother and love, starting at 16 and when I married Steve, the restriction was still there, understandably so, but like I said, I can nurture and love 100% every person who comes into my space, not having to hold back when I want to extend... being free to not have to care, be, do, what anyone else thinks or wants."... Let go and Let God...

And folks, he has not failed me.

Love to all of you guys. I wanted you all to get the details of what's up. I look forward to hearing from every one of you. Make sure you all let me know when you are in my neck of the woods.

Lots of Love, Keri

The Day of My Father's Death

August 2012 Blog

I am so very grateful that I am home in Hawaii. This island has received me well.

Yesterday, our new good friend Jeff was in town. He had a doctor's apt at 5:00pm so he showed up around 10:00am to see what we were doing this weekend.

I tell him, "I was in the mood to go hiking in our backyard."... Iao Valley.

Right at that moment, Jeff's doctor's apt calls and asks if he could come right now to get it over with and out of the way... Perfect! We can go hiking and play all day like a local!

By noon, we are hiking up the needle. A great tourist spot... but... Jeff knows of a "shortcut"... which I have learned in my Daddy Randy's language, means a groovy right on way to check something out. (And yes, Jeff does always say shortcut in the same meaning as my daddy)... We get to the tourist top of the trail and see a sign posted that says, "Do not go this way, stay on the paved trail" ... you know one of those signs that my children have always thought were posted to notify them where the real way to go lies... Well, this was the shortcut Jeff spoke of... I loved the rebellious local act, which I now am, in front of gasping tourists.

We hike up on a well traveled path into the real hiking that I have been brought up with living in Utah.

The whole way, after we crossed over onto the local side of the hike, the boys and I kept commenting how much it feels like we are hiking at the cabin with Grandpa Randy because Jeff is so much like him and we are hiking the type of terrain he would take us on.

After the hike to the top of Iao Valley, we head to the beach near our house, taking the "shortcuts" so I don't travel the tourist routes. This Jeff character is better than my smart phone navigator feature!!!

We get home and my daughter calls me and says, "Mom, Toni (my sister, who she lives with) is crying really badly, I don't know what is wrong, something happened..."

While on the phone with her, Elden (my nephew who lives with me) comes in the room and informs us, my father, "Grandpa Randy died"...

Wow, okay, we were expecting this, but wow, it really happened. I love how we had felt like we were hiking with my father Randy at the cabin that day and it just so happened he died up at the cabin some short time before that day but it happened to be the same day he was found.

I seriously was shocked of my lack of feelings... But you figure, my father had already over dosed in 2009 and the paramedics were able to revive him. When I had first heard of this... weeks after the fact... my brother in law had ran into my father at the plumbing house and he had told my brother in law, "hey, did you know I died a few weeks ago?" and then proceeded to tell Russ the story of his survival.

Well, when my sister had called me up she started and said, "Did you know that Randy died? And..."

Well... I screamed hysterically and it took her a few minutes to be able to calm me down via phone to inform me that the paramedics rescued him but that wife of his didn't bother to let us know, which is a whole other drama filled story, some other time...but is what I am trying to say... I seriously processed my father dying that day in 2009. I had sobbed uncontrollably and called his home, leaving a message on their home answering machine of my obvious upset of finding out two weeks after the fact that my father overdosed and no one bother informing his two daughters!

Well folks, one can't recreate something as genuine of reacting to hearing that your parent has died... When it is a false alarm and then they really do pass, if you are like me, I had made sure I had apologized and tried to make things right. Even if he did not receive me, I have a clear conscience how I left it.

Interestingly enough, being the picture freak that I am, I did not bring one single photo with me... I brought everything on my little passport computer thing and laptop... My two copies of my whole life... but not one single photo, on paper, in the physical realm, did I bring... The only photograph that made it to Hawaii was Grandpa Randy's graduation picture that Dallen grabbed at the last minute.

For you see, Dallen is looking more and more like his grandfather every day... Dallen's beliefs and truths are developing more and more like his grandfather's every day... well the daddy Randy's beliefs and truths that I remember them to be... After my father quit smoking weed, (he found a woman that wanted to get married in the temple for "all time and eternity"), so...he had to take seven prescribed pills to replace what Marijuana was able to do for him... I feel prescription pills and the religion ruined him. I felt a relief when I heard my father had died... He is free.

### My Job Found Me

August 2012

I couldn't help but to replay the words of Pat as I try to feel my way through this journey of mine. _"You will be volunteering with the Dolphins"._ At the time of my reading, I seriously thought, the husband would successfully rehab and we all would be moving to Maui to fulfill my contract with the Universe. I sincerely thought I would arrive to Maui with my family intact along with financial abundance... it just had to be that way, I had thought... how else could I be _"volunteering with Dolphins"_? ... So when things went down the way they did, I was confused about this part of the message... until my job found me.

I had applied for many jobs and had even gone on an interview in Kula to work with the flowers from ground up to flower arrangements for celebrations. It would have been a lovely job, but I did have concern that it would be very hard on the car commuting back and forth, being upcountry and all. Oddly enough, I kept missing their call backs and they happened to always be out when I called them. So when Mismo, basically got me the job at slip #8 soliciting snorkel trips to see Dolphins, I knew I was where I had to be. AND upon receiving my first pay check, I really knew I was right where I was supposed to be... Yep, this is definitely _"volunteering with the dolphins"._

I still am baffled how this flat commission pay could be legal. I am a licensed cosmetologist and I have had jobs that are commission only, but they always have a base pay until your commission exceeds the base pay amount and then you get the higher pay of the two.

I loved this new job of mine and being a wife of an owner of multiple concrete construction companies for **23** years, I had an employer mentality, not much of a salesperson mentality. I ran the booth with an employer mentality, creating more _"job responsibility"_ for booth person. But hey, it takes more energy

for me to ignore things that need to be done. Plus, I love being at the harbor, near the water. It truly has been healing at its best. There is always a good amount of dead time, perfect for meditating and clearing energy.

When my boss would apologize for my small paychecks, I would acknowledge, _"It's ok, I know I am right where I am supposed to be. I was warned that I would be volunteering with the dolphins, and here I am. I just thought I would have my family and money to support me."_ I would then acknowledge to my boss, _"I look at it this way, free healing. God knows what I need and as long as I am where I am supposed to be, everything will be alright and work out."_ I also shared that I recognize him ( _my boss, Mark_ ) as one of the contracts I have.

Upon arriving to Maui, I quickly recognized the irony and divinity of meeting my boss and his right hand man, Sean. It was uncanny how these two men resembled strongly the man I had just left. It was like the two of them made up Steve; Mark being the ornery one and Sean being the tall nicer one. Being married to Steve for **23** years was perfect training to handle Mark with his angry defensive demeanor... I could see the soft vulnerable side that I am familiar with hidden deep out of their own fear of being taken advantage of. At first I thought _"What a sick joke... I leave that husband and the Universe throws me into the same "Fucker" energy"_ (forgive my French).

My relationship with Mark got better when I sternly told him, _"You are exactly like that husband I just left... I don't have any kids with you, Mark... I won't stick around like I did with him."_

I had always given my boss the respect that any human deserves. I am an intelligent, hard working woman, and it didn't hurt that I was nice to look at too, but in no way was I going to take anyone's negative bullshit energy... I am very selective what energy I allow in my space and if others want me in their space they will honor what I require and I require my truth and happiness be honored, choosing not to give power to anyone to "affect/make" me unhappy or happy ever again. And with that, we had an understanding and I believe I gained some respect from the boss man.

I Love My Job

August 2012 Blog

I love my job. It's in the best location. It has the best atmosphere; people vacationing in total bliss away from it all, so happy to be in Maui.

I remember working weddings; the atmosphere was such a celebration of love... I had got that job the summer of 2005, you know, the first time I kicked Steve out. I didn't have to go looking far for a job, my dear friend Cindy Caldwell, a wedding planner offered me a job upon hearing about my personal status.

At the time, I thought, "How ironic, working weddings, while my own marriage is dissolving." But, I have always been one to roll with the current of life and this wave took me to a gorgeous sanctuary, "Elegant Gardens." Working 40 weddings in one summer, obviously I was not meant to dissolve my own marriage just yet... for you see... by November 2005, I was back together with Steve living in Texas reuniting with our first born son we lost to adoption.

Currently, I have called it absolute quits and have dissolved the marriage for good... After 23 years I finally had enough. I sold my '67 Mustang and moved to Maui... Once again, I didn't have to go looking far for a job... Dallen, Elden and I were walking back from Elden's job interview checking out the harbor before we bus it back home, when we hear this, "Hey, do you want to go play with the dolphins?"

I holler back, "Oh indeed we do, but we just moved here and we are looking for jobs, we have it on the bucket list for one of the first things we do."

"Well hey, I'm looking for a Sunday and Monday girl."

Which again brings me to... "I love my job".

Let me just brief you on today. Well, let me first also mention... some of you may not know, my daddy Randy just passed away, he died two weeks after I moved. My first day of work was the day of his funeral; I had yet to shed a tear... until... today... AT WORK...

I had been wondering why I haven't had any emotion about my father dying. I have been carrying on as if some stranger died. I had already grieved my daddy Randy dying in 2009 when he accidentally overdosed on his prescribed cocktail and they were able to revive him... Ya, I found out weeks later... when first hearing the message, I didn't hear the "they were able to revive him" part because upon hearing my sister say, "Did you know that Randy died?" I had fallen to my knees, wailing like a Poly, shaking and screaming uncontrollably. After a good ten minutes of that plus my sister screaming through the phone, "No Keri, he's alive he's alive" I was so shook up, I couldn't stop the shaking but was just as pissed that not one single person informed any of his children, ME BEING THE ELDEST!!! I told my sister "I have got to go; I'm calling that wife of his while I am still vibrating with shock before TOO much vile sets in!!!"

Of course, I get the answering machine and I am thrilled to leave a raging message... no interruptions while I state my upset and remind them I am his !@#$@# daughter !@# !@#$$!... Keeping my calm so they can hear my every word with the least amount of swear words for such a situation, especially when you remember I warned his wife about medicating him with pills instead of HIS medicine, Marijuana. You can't overdose on Marijuana. Pills shut down your pineal gland and numb you.

So, you see, I just chalked my lack of emotions to, "I must have already released and processed him dying... Out of sight, out of mind (being a mother of loss in a closed adoption, I am a pro at this one)... I am away from all the family planning, which is a very good thing; I was a big enough bitch on my own facebook page. But folks, that is exactly as bad as I got; I carried on happy and joyful, enjoying every day to the fullest with no tears as if my daddy is free. .. After my few days of 20 minute facebook upset time, I grounded out the upset, and have carried out my days in the best of spirits.

People are hearing of my loss slowly and, for example... Heather, (the girl in the booth on my right) who is very gifted... can even read minds... comes up and says, "Oh my gosh, you are handling this so well, I am so sorry, my condolences, I had no idea... you have carried yourself so beautifully."

I explain, "I have already processed his death the first time it almost happened, you just can't recreate that, genuinely"...

My job requires that I sit in my "office" (an open booth as you would see at a fair or rodeo) Not only is it located right where the tourist buses unload and has become a common event for the Asians to take pictures with me... (I love pictures and they must sense our likeness, not only do I jump in to "take a pic of the two of you" my booth is right where they first enter the harbor and so many take their first pictures right at my office... Dallen was teasing saying, "watch you will go visit Korea one day and find your picture in their books and on their walls." ... And in the laughter, I added what a beautiful sweet 20ish Korea girl yelled to me as she was walking away from interacting with me, "Your heart rocks!")... I have the best office location, slip# 8.

The number 8 has been a magical number for me since we got here. First, I buy a car that came with license plates MMT 188. We named her Magical Moments, Magi for short. My first day on the job was the day of my daddy Randy's funeral 8-8-2012, in slip #8.

Today, I was excited to work towards some rent money, Sunday being the biggest day for booking.

I enjoy my day interacting with the people; I am meeting more and more locals. First person to pay me a visit this morning was Tim. Tim is an author who substitute teaches while he writes. Tim had approached me yesterday, putting on an act of a successful author/lawyer/actor asking about private booking on our sailboat "The Island Star"... which was a total blessing in disguise; I hadn't been trained yet on all the details of private parties. But come to find out he was using it as an excuse to invite me to Mr. Longhi's Funeral Party.

Mr. Longhi is a celebrity like fellow that owns restaurants on the island and this Tim fellow had asked me to attend this celebration with him. When I declined and said, "I don't go anywhere without my boys".

He said, "Well, bring them along". Still politely declining, he then says, "Owen Wilson most likely will be there." Well, that didn't change my mind and when I never showed up for the party, he showed up this morning, asking what happened, informing me that I missed out on a great time..."Owen didn't show up but Mick Fleetwood gave everyone a show on the drums".

Wow, I cannot wait to be an established local; I have already barely missed that Owen Wilson twice now.

As I continue my morning; greeting everyone that walks by, this older gentleman is hauling a tripod. I have seen a man on the pier with his easel painting and asked, "Are you that guy that I have seen painting?"

He doesn't hesitate to stop and have a lovely conversation with me. "No, this is a tripod. I photograph and film the local Monk Seals... Here, let me give you one of my DVD's". Dr. Leisure (George) took the time to stand and chit chat educating me about these seals that are residents here in the harbor. He continues to tell me about some amazing interaction he has had with these animals. He explains the seals, knowing them personally and sharing how they recognize and know him, showing off for the camera when they see him. What a lovely man.

Well, I had a lot of interaction with customers and I am always entertained so well watching all the different boats pull in... my kind of reality show... Lindsey the girl in the booth on my left, hops out of her office and says, "I eat so well working here. I am going to go get some fresh sushi" Everyday, there is fresh fish filleting galore going on around noon-2:00.

I get near the end of my day and I start thinking, "I have enjoyed my day thoroughly, I love singing out, 'Aloha' greeting everyone. But that is not going to pay the bills." I start questioning, "I need to work on maybe getting a part time job until Whale Season", I work commission and I don't get credit if the people I greet take my card after the spill and call back to book. I only get credit if booked at the desk. I hadn't booked anything today. Right when I started pondering about money. A gentleman approaches my office; his father died a year ago and his father's wishes was for his family to all go to Maui and spread his ashes in the ocean in Lahaina; his father had owned a restaurant on Front Street.

I give my condolences and offer, "My father just died as well. His funeral was just a few days ago." He then shares how hard it has been and I explain how I think I am still in shock because I haven't really teared up yet.

He sympathizes, sharing "It can take a while for it to set in, it's been a year and I still have a hard time accepting it."

While booking him a private raft for his family he asks my name for his records and says, "My sister is named Keri" and he proceeds to spell my name correct.

I celebrate and say, "I was watching to see how you spelled it, and yes that is exactly how I spell my name too."

I then share, "I didn't know they could do this, but they had arranged for a Harley Davidson Hearst with bikers escorting my father to his final burial spot." With that said, it was like a button was pushed. The tears started welling up, catching me by surprise. I laugh, apologizing saying, "I am so sorry, I don't know where that came from, so sorry, I guess I had some feelings stuffed in there after all."

Douglas, loving my shared emotion beamed and says so tenderly, "Obviously, ones that needed to be expressed."

We both laugh softly together, connecting on a level of sincere condolences for one another and I thank him for providing the safe soft energy to welcome the flow.

I was able to book something before the day was over and with it being a private party; it was a great booking for me that will help with the bills.

I couldn't help but to connect the subtle but very obvious connection that my daddy Randy had to have orchestrated. I have questioned in my mind, "Do you think he even bothers coming and hanging out with me?" I tell everyone to come haunt me if you die before me. I don't think I can count this as a haunting but I cannot deny my father's presence on some level... especially because then on the way home telling Dallen, Dallen sees a rock on the road wall that had RANDY carved in it. I continue to tell Dallen I know grandpa Randy sent that gentlemen to me to trigger some tears that he most likely has been waiting for me to acknowledge from the other side AND gifted me a great booking for my commission.

After talking to Dallen and acknowledging all the eights in the space, I pulled out my Doreen Virtue Angel Numbers 101 book.

First, I look up my new house number... 209... "You've been praying about your Divine life purpose, and the answer is: "Walk confidently in faith, in the direction of your intuition and spiritual passions. Trust that you are fully supported upon this path". WOW

Then I look up my car license plate number... 188... "Well done! All of your meditating and visualizing have opened the floodgates to increased financial flow". DOUBLE WOW

I looked up 8 in the number book... "The number eight signifies abundance and prosperity. The endless loops in this number signify an infinite flow of money, time, ideas, or whatever else you require (especially for your life purpose)." Do I even have to say it, WOW WOW WOW.

Being on a roll, reading the Universe, I proceed to look up cats... Three outdoor stray cats came with the house. I have never been much of a cat person, I LOVE dogs. But as Lee, the landlord had said, "Those cats earn their keep, you have no rats."

I get my Animal Speaks book by Ted Andrews. Cats... Mystery, Magic and Independence...

Well, it doesn't get better than that! Especially, when you realize what we named our car, Magical Moments.

### Spiders in the Space

August 2012

Did I mention the spiders that were EVERYWHERE? I guess July-August time is the time for spiders. All the spiders that we had encounters with were harmless garden spiders. I still did not like them any better. It was interesting watching the boys capture them and observe them for short periods.

The worst spider encounter was when we went to Jeff's place in the jungle... The bathroom is an outhouse out in the jungle... you know, an outhouse with open windows and curtains instead of the coffin boxed in type us Utahns are used to. I could no longer hold my urine; I had to use the outhouse. I trot on back to the outhouse, open the curtain, and startle a cane spider, which STARTLES me... I calmly analyze the situation; I know where this spider is, _(that had flopped like an octopus {_ _loudly_ _}, over to the back corner of the small quarters housing the toilet.)_ I don't know where the other huge spiders that are as big as my hand are hiding out there in the jungle... I calmly, smoothly, quickly slipped in, pulled the curtain shut, swooped my pants down, peed as fast as I could, swiftly finished up and got out of there without ever taking my eye of the monstrous creature.

_Spiders_ _(a few translations from the Animal Speak Book) – ...the weaver of illusion...To the Native Americans, spider is grandmother, the link to the past and the future... grandmother spider kept and taught the mysteries of the past and how they were affecting the future. Spider teaches you that everything you now do is weaving what you will encounter in the future. Spider reminds us that the world is woven around us. We are keepers and the writers of our own destiny, weaving it like a web by our thoughts, feelings, and actions. Spider has long been associated with death and rebirth. Part of this may have to do with the fact that some female spiders will kill and eat the male spiders after mating. Because it is constantly building and weaving new webs, it has also been a lunar symbol, with ties to the waxing and waning of the moon... Spider can teach how to use the written language with power and creativity so that your words weave a web around those who would read them._

### Chance moves out

August 2012

Shortly after Chance moved in, his girlfriend from the mainland came for a visit. We were just getting our feet on the ground... Surviving... I didn't think a good time to host a girlfriend from the Mainland, coming to vacation.

Chance was the first to get a job. He was an excellent example to Elden and I. Chance would go out by bus for interviews all over. Chance had even checked out Lahaina for jobs and had arrived back home to let us know, that is where he sees us working and we should go check it out.

Chance had accepted a job at Costco and had a few weeks until he had to attend training. He flew his girlfriend out and that was the beginning to the end of Chance being here.

To sum it up in a nutshell, I felt Chance lost the focus of " _We are in this together. We are one._ " Instead of the four of us hanging and getting to know our new home, it was the three of us. While the two of them raced around like tourist, spending money like tourist; we were living within our means eating as frugal as we could, living off of green smoothies, fresh salsa and chips.

Chance also started to allow fear into his space. He started worrying about the choices I was making. I knew we needed a car, Chance said we could get by with the buses... I just left a husband that always got the final say because of his talent for making money. I had to be strong with my truth and recognize the steps to travel, even if it meant buying a car. ... I felt, Chance was not ready to throw in his all and surrender to the journey.

Dallen and Chance got into it; something along the lines of alpha male dominance playing out.

Chance called his mom and got a ticket home, the night before his girlfriend was heading back to Utah herself. It's almost as if it was subconsciously planned.

### Pati moves in

August 16, 2012

I don't recall the date Chance left, but he was gone by the time Pati moved in.

Pati is Steve's sister, the children's aunt. Pati has three little ones and is raising them by herself. Pati is a strong woman who was taught well in many ways by her mother. By the time Steve's mother was parenting Pati, she was a much different mother than when she had parented Steve. I appreciated Linda (their mother) on a whole new level. I loved hearing the children's grandmother in a whole new light.

Ever since Pati has had kids, I have always had Pati and the kids over. In fact Pati lived with us for a short while before and after she gave birth to her first child, Serenity; I watched my baby niece many times from the beginning.

From the time I last held my first-born baby in my arms, I was very selective with what babies I would hold. It was a strange taboo I felt with new babies... a fear, a reservation only for special ones that I allowed to fill the space... very aware that no baby could really fill that void. The only babies that have made it to that intimate space with me are Chance, Dallen, Kirah, Sidnee, Serenity and Kristopher.

I didn't know Pati that well when she was young. When I married her brother, Pati was 6. Their mother and Pati's father had divorced when Pati was one; she was at her Tongan father's house a lot of the time. I really didn't get to know Pati until Texas. We instantly had a connection and were able to relate on many levels. She and I both have children from a man we love. Men that could not get over their addictions and face their inner child wounds while with us.

...Texas 2005... Steve got that offer we couldn't refuse... and remember, two weeks later was when we got the call... you know, the call from the adoptive parents that had adopted our first born son... (It's all in book one)... Anyways, cool crazy thing... when Steve called up his mother to tell her that we were moving to Houston, Texas; she informed him that Pati just got a job transfer to the same area... Pati and Steve were out there together, far away from one another (Houston is huge) but out there together... which became a very good thing. Katrina hit and when there was an evacuation notice it was a huge blessing that Pati had her older brother to evacuate with.

When the children and I followed Steve with the sale of our home in 2005, Pati became a huge part of my life. I have always been blessed with Steve making good money, allowing me to be a stay at home mom the majority of my children's lives. From the beginning, starting with Steve's younger sisters, I nurtured and loved whoever needed extra nurturing, inviting everyone in my home. Pati was now 23, a certified welder, living on her own making big bucks AND in love with a certified welding inspector guy.

Pati became a single mother of three over the years and I have loved getting to know each of her children very well. I also LOVE that Pati was one of the few to have witnessed the reunion with our son; her nephew that is 4 years younger and you know they would have been more like siblings if things would have been different.

I had told Pati back when things were getting bad with Steve (2012), "No matter what, I will always be here for you, even though I am leaving your brother, you are always welcomed in my house, even in Maui."

Around the same time I was making plans for separation from Steve, Pati had decided to go try to live by babies' daddy to help her parent his three children. After I had been in Maui for a few weeks, she called me in tears, asking if my invitation was sincere. Babies' daddy has some addictions. ... So sad, it happens to the best of em... the intelligence of that man...

Pati sold her car to get the plane tickets she needed for her and the kids... We were running out of our money but Elden got a job at Ululani's Hawaiian Shave Ice (notorious for being number one worldwide) and I got a job working at the harbor for Hawaii Ocean Rafting. My job is commission only, but I've got the roof over our heads; a car to get us around; and foodstamps.

Pati is very resourceful getting assistance from the state. But they lost her paperwork like three times and getting that assistance took a little too long. I had been using all my money to float first the four of us... then when Chance went home and Pati called saying, "Are you sure? I have no money and am bringing four mouths to feed."

It only seemed right to chant, "Together were stronger."

It was great having Pati and the kids arrive. They brought a huge sense of HOME to our home. It was so good to have more family here. Children are always great vibration boosters, and that is exactly what we needed.

Plus, the amazing skills of this sister.. Pati spread our healthy menu further... and boy did Pati have an eye for fruit... I hear people say, "you'd have to be stupid to starve on Maui"... I would be one of those stupid ones that would starve without Pati. Pati has an eye for fruit on trees like a zoologist's spots horned goat on a rocky mountain side. Pati has opened my eyes towards the sky, bringing awareness to me of just how plentiful fruit is abundantly on this island.

### Kdawn arrives with Gage and Kevin

August 2012

It wasn't long until Kdawn was in Maui making sure her sisters got settled. It was great to have her arrival so soon after Pati's.

Kdawn has played such an important role for the both of us... Providing a temporary home; assisting us with her great computer skills; finding us the best deals on flights. Kdawn has become quite the traveler herself and is a pro when it comes to planning for a trip. Having Kdawn was like having a personal travel agent/assistant seeing us off to our destination that she believed to be the path. It only made complete sense that she should be the first to visit in our new home, Maui.

### Kimber Arrives

August 2012

My cousin Kimber arrived the tail end of Kdawn's stay. It felt so good to have an abundance of family around. My dear cousin was originally going to come to Maui as a wife with her new husband but there was a change of plans so her friend joined her for her Honeymoon trip instead. Kimber and her friend got into quite a feud and parted ways before the Honeymoon stay was over. I was grateful for their parting of ways; Kimber's friend was keeping my cousin too busy to see me, lol.

One thing I have noticed about Maui... it amplifies what you hold in your heart. I have seen the energy of "Maui receive you or repel you". There is no fooling Maui, it has been interesting to witness it at play.

I was so grateful for Maui's Magnifying Magic on my cousin's true inner self... I was able to be on the receiver end of such generosity. My cousin's arrival could not have been at a better time. Kdawn and Kevin were leaving and my nest egg of funds from my Mustang was depleted. Money was tight, foodstamps were depleted because Pati's bennies hadn't kicked in yet, I was worried about how to get some laundry soap and food, when along came my unannounced cousin whose vacation had turned into a disastrous vacation for her but a blessing and gift to us. God bless my cousin for taking us grocery shopping and even cooked Eggs Benedict for us in the morning. My dear cousin Kimber, a master at packing tons in small spaces which totally reflects the love she emulates from her own small packaging...it will be so good to see you again dear cousin.

### Oh Ya, a Baby Was Born

June 27, 2012

Lily Alianna Blakesley my biological first-born granddaughter from my first-born son was born a month before we left out of Utah.

Kai was still in Texas, _(selling for the summer)_. Initially I had envisioned me flying to Texas to be a part of that but somewhere in between there were hurt feelings because I had acknowledged strong resemblance to pictures of myself. So unfortunately, I did not make it a priority to meet a grandchild of mine that will never be. How can I be a grandmother if I am not acknowledged as a mother? After a blow to my ego/self worth I turned cold as ice towards that son of mine. _(Definition of me "turning cold as ice" You no longer exist to me.)_ I know that sounds horrible especially being the mother that was the first to reject him at birth; but along with that, it has become a strong defense mechanism I have become quite good at.

Over the months Kai and I would talk on the phone, text or facebook here and there. I have loved that Kai is as confrontational as I. Our interaction was one of a very love, hate, hit or miss. Because of my own issues, every time Kai would want to talk about his baby I would lose interest in the conversation. I never really allowed myself to acknowledge my granddaughter since that first initial blow.

Kai Text in Spanish

September 2012

Translation: You treat me so cruelly... I love you as a mother but you never accept me as a child no matter how I behave with you. You always reject me and my love, and now even reject your granddaughter! How horrible it is treating her the way you do! You're lying when you say you love me I wish I had died at birth to make your life easier.

Maybe then I would be remembered with affection instead of hatred. If you kill me today, it does not matter because I'm dead to your mind and in your heart.

That rather than have someone who treats me with such hatred and cruelty to only have love to give to everyone else. You can be a mother to all but your first born that he might have even the most tiny part of your love. but no, you kill him with your words, as there are in thy knives that cut me, burn me, kill me. and I'm dead and you're not to mourn for me.

Learn if you do not understand women. Spanish is a language of love, maybe one day I hear.

First of all, everything is a reflection... a mirroring of what is wrong with our own behavior...

You say I... "Never accept you as a child no matter how you behave with me, I always reject you and your love," ... Well, yes now that you complain about it, yes that is how I feel your behavior has been... Crazy how when I start acting like you have role modeled our relation to be, you get all upset about the mirrored behavior.

You say... I'm lying when I say I love you, you wish you had died at birth to make my life easier. ... Wow, yes I have felt like you lie when you say you love me... and actually it was as if you had died at birth to me and it did not make my life easier that is for sure... But as a reflected statement... you are saying you wish you had died at birth to make your life easier...

I'm sorry to hear that adoption has made your life not easy. I also have grown to the truth that adoption is so wrong, if you can't keep your baby than yes abortion is better than adoption. Not that I would have chose abortion, I would have "chose" to keep my child

People say to me all the time, "but you chose it"... and yes I did, didn't I. I looked towards the adults in my life, trusting in their "expertise"... There didn't feel like there was a choice. It felt as if adoption was the only option. The only way I could have avoided the placement, was if only I was acknowledged as a mother and given the confidence that I can do it... OR how about this... what if... What if, adoption was not an option? What if adoption was just for the dogs? What if everyone had the mentality to love one another "adopt" the mother? Utilizing the village we live in to help raise this child and all children, no matter how young or old the mother is... Obviously, I chose adoption so that I could learn such a mentality and teach it to others.

Honestly, looking back, knowing who I am... who I was, I know I would have been a great mother at 16. My heck, I was babysitting for money since 12. With help from a village, as it should be with raising a child no matter how old the mother's age, I had nothing to worry about. If only I had realized, that TV show with Michael Landon, my sister Vicki always chose to watch, "Little House on the Prairie", was a show reflecting true history. Girls got married shortly after they came into their womanhood, (when they started their periods) and became mothers and wives at a very young age.

Maybe teenagers aren't the model parent that people are striving or judging to be. But I for one have met a lot of amazing adults that are products of a teen mother. Sure, they have had a rough road, but with the help of a village, and by traveling the road they have traveled they have evolved into such strong amazing adults.

Sure the upbringing of some of those amazing adults had been what others would judge as unconventional, but it has made them who they are; and most importantly, they KNOW who they are and are solid with who they are, with quite the wisdom to go along with it. Grant it, they all had some sort of a village/mentor that was involved with their upbringing AND they all love their mothers no matter the conditions and dysfunction. Which testifies to me more so the importance to reach out and help mothers in need for the highest good of children everywhere. Because to not accept and love one's biological parents'/heritage/culture is to not accept and love a huge part of them.

Bottom line, God sent this precious gift to the woman with the baby in her womb. I have met plenty of young mothers that were sent an unplanned gift from God and that gift changed their lives for the better; my sister being one of them... Having a baby changes you, even when you don't keep it.

Sweet Messengers in Maui

September 2012 Blog

I haven't written for a while. I have had the most amazing few days!

It started on Sunday, September 2nd... I work Sundays, they are better days for selling... plus, this Sunday in particular, I like the distraction from my personal life... I walk to the bus stop and standing there waiting for the bus already was a woman with a bag of snorkel gear... Always being on the lookout for someone I can turn on to the best time on Maui, (RAFTING with the DOLPHINS) I ask if she is visiting and start conversation with, Annette.

Annette is here from Germany vacationing solo. I admired how independent this 29 year old married woman was, vacationing SOLO. Our conversation flowed so beautifully that by the time Annette was to get off at Ma'alaea, she decided to continue with me to Lahaina where I sell raft rides.

Here's the spiel: "We cruise the rugged coastline, stopping frequently at our favorite snorkel sights. Many dolphins live around Lanai, cruising the coastline. We are frequently surrounded by spinner dolphins riding our bow or just playing around our boat."

I continue to tell her that the dolphins are protected so we are not allowed to jump in the water when we see the dolphins, but if we are already in the water and the dolphins choose to swim with the humans than very nice bonus indeed... but the whole two months I have worked here it hasn't happened... it happens, but it is not a common occurrence. And with that said I suggest that she summon the dolphins telepathically when she is on her way to the harbor and create the experience she desires.

I book Annette and looked forward to seeing her upon her return to hear of her experience.

Monday around noon they drift in and I ask, "How was the trip?"

The first guest off the boat says, "We swam with the dolphins!"

Wow! I could not wait to speak to Annette!

Annette makes her way off the raft and I exclaim, "You powerful woman you! You summoned the dolphins to come swim with the humans!" We hug and she shares how amazing it was. We exchange info... gotta love facebook... we are going to be forever friends. Before we say our goodbyes she asks if there was any way I would be able to take tomorrow off...she lucked out with the rental car...she had reserved an economy car for $30 a day, they were out of the economy cars and the only car they had was this brand new white Camaro that she is looking forward to driving somewhere to check out more of the island...I sadly decline, because I have to be responsible with a job now. We hug goodbye and she sets off to get a hamburger before she rides the bus back to where she is staying.

Two hours later, work was incredibly slow so I decided to check out and head home. I'm standing in line for the bus and I hear a familiar sweet hello... It's Annette; she just finished her hamburger and was heading back to the Hostel where she is staying. We agree to check out each other's place and have her meet the fam.

I get home and sense my son's need to speak with me about his day so I shortened the visit with Annette. After briefly meeting my son she gave me the most beautiful message... words that I needed to hear. Obviously she is a sensitive and in touch with her gift. What a blessing to run into her. Annette and I head over to her hostel... Hostels are great ways to travel, it's homey and cheap. The rooms have bunk beds and basically you rent a bunk and there is a communal kitchen and living room... We take pictures with the beautiful white Camero and say our goodbyes.

I arrive home the second time and hear my son's upset about what that other son of mine's opinion is about me, him, us, etc. I share with Dallen what that amazing new friend of mine shared with me. Hearing her message helped him as much as it had helped me.

Shortly thereafter, our buddy Jeff shows up to say hi and was thinking of hitching back home to Hana. I tell him about my new friend Annette and her new Camero wanting to drive somewhere. The boys got excited and after walking down to the Hostel to holler up to Annette suggesting the idea, she loved the idea of hanging with my boys while I was at work.

In the morning instead of taking the road to Hana, they decided to take the Camera up to the crater and long board down ... I loved it; my new friend from Germany was taking my boys on a field trip and sharing a beautiful ride with them. Boys love nice cars, and that Camera was a pretty one.

Well, needless to say, my boy went into a "speed tuck going 20 miles per hour to take a hair pin"... He survived, has received a lot of attention...and... it makes for a GREAT story.

I loved hearing the boys tell the story of their day with my new friend and her cute Germany accent... evidently, Annette dropped the camera and did not catch filming Dallen biting it. It is funny hearing them explain how she freaked out like all of us women tend to do upon seeing an accident about to happen.

Before flying out of Maui to head back to Germany, Annette stopped by to say one last goodbye. Before leaving she gave me once again a very powerful message that Dallen and I both needed to hear. It was spooky crazy how familiar I felt with someone I just met who has come from so far away. It was sad to see her go, and alarmingly so every time I think of her I am filled with so emotion. Who knows what our connection is, in the whole picture of all knowing? Whatever it is, it had a strong pull.

Every day in Maui is an amazing one. I love all the people I meet. Whether they are visiting or residents to stay, everyone here in Maui takes such great care of me and my family. Every day is magical having the Universe, Source, Spirit, God, etc. sending messengers at such divine moments.

Just a little more detail to the story with Annette... she was here vacationing solo as a trip for healing. Annette was having fertility problems. Her desire to swim with the dolphins was a desire for a chance at healing. I loved how she was able to explain to me how she could feel the dolphin's sonar her body. ... Annette facebooked me a few months after her visit, to report she was with child.

### What all happened in the Fall???

2012

A whole lot of nothing happened in September with all day to do it, living on Maui... On my days off together we explored the many beaches and hikes.

I loved having Pati and the kids along. To see Pati in her jungle element spotting all the desirous fruits that this mainland haole is oblivious to, was a joy to embrace.

But best of all, we relished just hanging together as a family unit.

_October_ 8, Dallen's 16th birthday came and went. And then typical of every _October_ ... change... movement... for some reason this month always brings transition for me.

### Homeless in Olawalu

October 2012

Money ran out.

Interesting and oddly enough I was, $123.45 short for October rent, my landlord jumped at the opportunity to evict us out of the house. He had been complaining that my "company" (Pati and the kids) had overstayed their welcome.

It was a life savor having Pati, especially during this time. I was seriously in shock, thinking, "No, my mother has been a landlady for many years and this would never fly... no judge will execute on not working with two single mothers and $123.45, kicking them out on the street."

Well, Lee McClusky must know people in high places because, he did just that.

We had found a place in Lahaina, but it would not be available until October 24th. We had tried to work it out with the landlord but he wanted us out ASAP. (he had other tenants in, the very next day.) Lee McClusky was able to get an execution and force us to leave in 24 hours and then the cops would come.

Pati took charge, (her bennies kicked in, they had found her paper work by now). She found Lee McClusky's old tent from the 70's in the attic, bought a tent from Wal-Mart and directed us to a storage unit.

Thank God for my job. I wasn't making any money, (truly volunteering for the dolphins) but one of my first dearest friends was Heather who worked in slip 9. Heather lived at Olawalu. Olawalu is a neighborhood of tents on the beach... I knew exactly where to go and I already had a sistah there.

Now looking back, Olawalu wasn't all that bad. I'm just a little spoiled and have always hated tenting it. It is very dirty, you cannot escape the weather, there are lots of bugs, bathrooms are not the best, I already have trouble in the kitchen when there is a kitchen, and the worst part of all, the sun bakes you in the tent not allowing any sleeping in to make this day end faster.

Pati and the boys loved it. Kids always make the best of things. I personally think little Krissy was enjoying this campout as much as I... NOT...

Thank God Lahaina has a free outdoor swimming pool to hang out at; anytime we could leave the dirt, we did... I made sure of it.

I took the week off to be homeless and watched the kids with Dallen while Pati and Elden continued to go to work.

### Infested Home

October 24, 2012

I have survived tenting it folks! Pati set the alarm the morning our new house was available for 6:30 am and announced, _"It's time to get Keri and the kids the f*** out of here."_ It was a very joyous moment...

Then we were greeted by the rat and cockroach infestation and after Aunt Keri had a bit of a breakdown, little Jason says on a happy note, _"Well, at least we aren't living in the dirt anymore."_

I looked at him and smiled at his beautiful face and agreed, _"Kid you are absolutely correct, we are moving on up."_ God bless Pati for sharing her little ones with me. Children are gifts straight from Heaven...

It was a good thing we were houseless in Olawalu for a week so I could appreciate having a roof over my head and appreciate the luxuries of having a warm shower and a kitchen at my fingertips. I would have focused too much on the infestation of cockroaches, mice and termites, had I not have been so extremely grateful for those aforementioned things. I had enough appreciation in me that it fueled me just enough, with the help of Pati, to fight the worst infestation and clean up the house.

_Cockroach_ – I couldn't find Cockroach so I looked up beetle instead... _As with many insects, the beetle goes through a tremendous metamorphosis from the grub stage to the winged. Because of this, it is associated with resurrection and change. In its winged stage, the front set of wings are thickened into hard covers which fold and protect the soft underside. This may indicate for those with this totem a need to be more protective, or possibly that you are too closed off. If the beetle has shown up in your life examine the need for metamorphosis. Are you in the process? If so, what stage? Do you need a change? Are you needing new sunshine? Is it time to resurrect some aspect of your life? Is it time to leave the past behind? The beetle can show you how to do this with the greatest success_ ... Did I mention that my boss owns the Baywatch boat the "Scarab" that yellow speedboat they used for the show?

_Centipede_ _– Balance, Coordination, Ability to survive stress, Beauty of movement, Psychic movement, connecting with spirit, psychic protection. May suggest that you are letting your fears and doubts hinder you from making progress and achieving your goals._

Termite-end of a phase for you. Termite teaches us how fast we have to complete a work and dedication we show to do that work. They show us how fast and quickly we have to complete a task and they guide us how to work in group in a coordinated way with our co-workers. Even though they have negative totem due to their destruction behavior but the way they perform their destruction operation will seems to be impressive and exhausted. They all work together as a team and enjoy their victory. The nesting behavior of termite gives us a wish to build a house for us and our family with immense hard work and strong potential. Stay away from people with negative thoughts they will destruct us and make us empty minded.

Gecko-Subtlety of perception...Gecko being one of the reptiles that has a voice... They can stimulate lucid dreaming...Are you being too sensitive or not sensitive enough? Are you being too picky or are you missing the obvious? It can also reflect that the kundalini or life force is active and flowing strongly, which will heighten all sensitivities – physical, emotional, mental, psychic, and spiritual... The lizard helps us to awaken that ability for objective detachment so that it can occur with the least amount of difficulty. Lizard can show up to help us break from the past.

Mouse\- When mouse shows up, it is either time to pay attention to details, or an indication that you cannot see the forest for the trees. You may be getting so locked into details that you forget the big picture.

Boy is that the truth... I kept saying, "I cannot see the light at the end of this tunnel".

### Halloween

2012

By the time Halloween had arrived, I was totally ghouled out. I had been screaming solid for almost a week now; being startled by huge cockroaches or mice... We walked down Front Street, went trick or treating in our neighborhood with the kids, all singing loudly together, "trick or treat" and working on our thank you manners and wishing everyone a "Happy Halloween" like good little witches. I enjoy children so much; they make life silly again. I enjoy being silly.

### Facebook with Kai

November 2012

Kai bombarded me with text and facebook messages filled with his findings of marijuana facts, reporting the horrible things about my medicine, Marijuana. Finally I sent him...

11-4-12

Enuf, I am sick of arguing with you. I am glad you were rescued from such a horrible person as myself. Have that perfect life that you have been expected to find since your birth to the likes of me. I'm so happy to be able to say for once in my life... "it doesn't matter that he isn't mine, doesn't matter that he is who he is, none of it really matters anymore"... because right now, today, in the Now, it doesn't matter that you reject me the way you do, no matter who I became for you, it ultimately would never be enough because we HAVE lost everything that could really ever be. It IS what it is, and I am finally fine with having an estranged son, because I have a son and daughter that love everything about me and think I am the greatest... not to mention all my nieces and nephews that have loved having an Aunt Keri that has and always will be there for them unconditionally... I have a 5 year old, a 4 year old and a 15 month old that adore and love me as much as I them (that I get to see EVERYDAY) So it really does not matter to me or sadden me that, that estranged son of mine and that daughter of his that is my face he gets to look at every day and be reminded that she has an amazing grandmother that most likely she will never meet because I don't overindulge on ice-cream and drink the Kool-Aid.

By now, I had made some kind of pact with the Universe, if you will... I have been so confused by my pull to smother Kai with the strong mother instinct that I could not balance with him. Gray is so hard for me, it's either black or white; off or on. It became so confusing for me as to when to reach out and say hi and when to chill and wait for him to reach out... I had decided to only reach out when I felt there were obvious signs to reach out and say hello.

11-16-12

hmmm... I have no idea how to play my cards with you... I accept that it is what it is... I finally am at peace that it is what it is, or so I thought... so why do things keep happening such as... I'm on a bike ride with Dallen, he on his long board, we travel up this concrete bridge, he stops somewhere in the middle of the bridge to wait for traffic to clear so he can do some major carving and do some speed down the hill... we wait... there's a break in traffic, I look down at the handlebars to go, and no joke, your name is carved in the concrete as big as my fist right next to my fist.

To you, it may seem like nothing. After all, I do live in Maui and Kai means ocean and I work at the harbor, but others don't run into that name as much as I tend to.

So, when such a thing happens, as that did last night on the bike, I feel I must reach out to you, no matter what my insecurities are about you nor how silly you think I am.

So here I am reaching out as if today is a new day and all the yesterdays never happened.

I look forward to the day when you may feel that I am someone you can trust to share your worries and your success with, someone that you desire to be close to, someone whom you want to be around. Until then, know that I am here, know that I have a pile of mail that is going unsent until I receive a mailing address. I pray for your success and well being daily/nightly. I love you and think of you always, even when I am unhappy about the situation... I'm just thankful we both speak English; we are both living to have the opportunity to know one another and we have met.

I'm here always for you. Love, your mother

11-20-12

Had a busy day. I got a lot of things done and enjoyed every minute of it... in fact, it is 1:30 here and I am barely going to bed. I have been painting. I love painting; adding color makes such a difference! The place is looking so much better every day. So glad I have Pati with me for this journey... together were stronger.

There is no way I could have cleaned up this place and dealt with the infestation without another woman to help fight the battle.

Today, Dallen and I were picking up Serenity at school, when suddenly a kid dashed in front of us and his parent yelled, "Kai"

I looked at Dallen and said, "Did you hear that?"

Dallen chuckled and acknowledged that he did.

It gets me thinking.... maybe the whole "Kai" haunts, are reminders/promises that you will be a huge part of my life one day?... who knows what the attraction/Universal messages.... whatever the heck it may be is... but it definitely comes in stronger when I am thinking to just forget about you.

Anyways, enjoy the snow. I am enjoying the sun. Have a great day feasting with loved ones. I don't plan on writing unless I get blasted with your name again. I am just taking it as a Universal message to say hello... so... hello... and with that, goodbye. Always lots of love

11-20-12

Just happened to check facebook, thanks for the messages they were very kind and tender. I am also very grateful that we have been able to meet and have a part in one another's lives.

### Mother's Update from Utah

November 13, 2012

Dear Keri,

I am just following up to make sure you got my text regarding Kirah. She is now back with Steve. He says she was lying-blah blah blah, responding to being disciplined. He claims he is still working from 4:30am-1:30pm and cannot get Kirah out of bed any sooner. I can forward all his texts to you if you want-I was up til midnight discussing this. He won't send Kirah to Hawaii because of your pot usage. He claims he won't send money cause it will go to drugs. He claims Kirah gets everything she wants and can Skype you every evening. Basically I told him to go to family counseling, that Kirah is depressed and misses her mother! I also quoted Dr Phil that a daughter needs her mother and a son needs his father more at this time in their lives. I reminded him that even though he was "not responsible for you" (his words not mine) anymore, he had two children that he needed to co-parent with you. I kept telling him to call you and open up a line of communication.

Nothing short of you coming back to Utah and getting custody legally or physically of Kirah will get her to Hawaii. Steve is talking about sending you $1000 a month, $700 for 1/3 of rent and utilities and $300 for Dallen's clothes and essentials.

I hope you two can come to terms with your divorce and civilly co-parent your children. May God be with you. Love Mom

p.s. he just text and says his shipping all your stuff to you. I told him to call you.

Reality check... Steve is addicted to heroin ... I haven't received any financial support from him.

### Thanksgiving

2012

We invited a few guests over to make for a bigger family crowd

The meal turned out alright. My most favorite part...Krissy learning how to jump and playing Farkle with Serenity and Jason. Kids make the holidays! Again, I am so thankful to have Pati and the kids in the space.

### Kirah Arrives

November 29, 2012

Things were getting unsafe for Kirah back in Utah. She had moved in with her father from my sister's house. Steve was doing heroin more and more. Jac had moved in and according to Kirah, also doing heroin. Kirah was starting to not be happy. The final straw was when Steve had taken Kirah on a drug run with him... totally not cool.

I begged and pleaded for my family to help me get my daughter here and no one would budge. Steve was threatening kidnap charges if anyone got involved. Pati was the first to step up, feeling a need as well for her niece to be here. Pati called her brother and was able to get him to agree for her to purchase a one way ticket here because that is all she can afford. When Steve "gets paid" then he can buy her ticket back.

Kirah was getting worried that Steve would not get her on the plane. Steve had promised and pretended that he got Kirah a phone for her to have for traveling. It was the day before takeoff and Steve was not coming through with any of his promises. Kirah claimed her dad was acting very strange; unpacking her clothes, hiding her birth certificate and high on heroin most of the time. Kirah suggested that I call my niece Heather, (a young confident 5'0 extremely loving mother herself), whom did not fear Steve and his tactics and is genuinely great at "kill you with kindness". Heather quickly agreed to pick up Kirah the eve before her departure.

When Steve got home later that night and found Kirah gone he went a little crazy but Heather was able to calm him down, promising Steve that she is just the backup plan, if he arrives before 9:00a.m Kirah will be ready for him to take to the airport, but if he isn't at her house by 9 than she will get Kirah to the airport. Heather was the hugest help and support, she used her own money to get my daughter a phone for travel, making sure she had $40.00 for food on the plane; plus paid the extra money needed when Steve never showed in the morning, and the airlines had delayed Kirah's departure realizing Kirah was a minor, needing an extra $100.00 to rearrange her flight and have an escort.

Heather called me immediately to inform me of the situation. Heather had to be at her daughter's performance at noon and we had to find another escort for Kirah. Pati and I called all the aunts... Between Karen, (Steve's sister) and Alisha, (Karen's daughter), someone would be there within the hour.

Shortly thereafter, (like 10:00ish) I got a hold of Steve and was able to inform him about the situation and suggested he take this opportunity to be his daughter's escort. Steve headed to the airport straight away. I was very glad when Steve arrived to sit with Kirah until her take off... A girl needs her daddy's love.

I could not wait to see Kirah. It had been four months since I had hugged my baby girl. I waited anxiously at the gate for Kirah to arrive. I hardly recognized my growing teen. She looked so grownup.

Kirah landed in Maui November 29, 2012 the same day our Stoney dog was born.

### First Days with Kirah

December 2012

It was great having Kirah here. I loved having her come visit me at work.

It was great having Kirah; showing her our home here on Maui ... until Kirah got sick of our home here on Maui.

### Casper, Wyoming makes the Maui News

December 2012

A little inside information... Kai was attending the college in Casper, Wyoming when our reunion had taken place. I had been to the small little town multiple times while he was in attendance there... with the majority of our visits being at the college itself. I became most familiar with the theater department with him being an aspiring actor. On a few occasions I joined him in his other classes. I had even gone with him to his science classroom to study with him all the names of all the little parts he had to learn that are in these physical bodies of ours. I enjoyed sharing how I study and remember things for tests and he seemed genuinely interested in my silly ways that did help him remember the few things that were not sticking with him. ... Anyways, with this ground breaking news in the space, how could I not reach out and write to that boy of mine that attended Casper... Oh and by the way, it soon became a regular morning ritual that Sharyn would bring me the morning paper since this day forward...

12-2-12

Oh alright I will write... so yesterday, Sharyn (from the harbor) brings me the Maui News. The Maui news consists of like 7 pages including the sports section... Sharyn doesn't bring me the paper regularly but was inspired to ask if I would like some reading material... (it has been extremely slow at the dock)... thankful for reading material, the front page caught my attention with a tiger shark attack on a tourist paddle boarding... this story takes me to page A4... on A5 there happened to be a story about Casper College in Wyoming... some crazy person, stabbed someone in a nearby neighborhood then went to the science building and stabbed the professor in front of the class then continued to take his own life for class that day... wow... quite a story, but how strange that a story from Wyoming/Casper college would make it to the Maui news being a newspaper of little news... WEIRD... but whatever.

The fam picks me up after work and we head straight to the grocery store. Leaving the store, Dallen grabs a hold of that same Maui newspaper that had made it to my hands. I ask Dallen, "Interesting... why you reaching for the paper today?"

He says, "Oh I don't know, why what's up?"

I calmly smile and say, "Oh it's an interesting read today, that paper made it into my space as well today... check it out."... He checks it out, and the paper takes him to A4 which has him see the story on A5... "Oh my heck... mom, it's time to say hello to Kai, you need to write him."

"Ya, I guess"

So, today I come to work. Its slow, I'm painting my nails, and Fish comes walking up... I haven't seen him in a while, "How you doing Fish? Whats up whats new?"

Fish is this old Japanese guy that hangs at the harbor, born and raised here in Lahaina. I love talking with this wise one. He sports a straw hat, little shaded eye glasses and walks around with his wooden crutches for added support, great accessories!!! ... after answering "S.O.S. SAME OLD SHIT" accompanied with his sharp Japanese laugh, he then asks me "How is that son of yours? Have you made contact lately?"

Confused for a moment, thinking he must be mistaken because I see my son every day, but I just got Kirah so I answer with my clarification, "Oh you must mean my daughter, yes, she has landed and she is here!" ...

Fish promptly says, "No, your older one, in his 20's"

"Interesting you should ask Fish, I don't speak to him much these days."

I then got a beautiful speech from this elderly wise man with Japanese accent English saying, "Blood is strong, it means more"

"Interesting that you should come up and volunteer such beautiful words, confirming my truth, but after all we are all one and it really doesn't matter anyway."

After a wise pause, he states, "Yes and no but it does matter"

So here I am explaining why I am writing you to say hello. Why do I need an excuse to feel ok about making contact with you? I don't know. Obviously, I feel unwanted and need justification of why I am invading your space....???

Well for all that it is worth, I love you. I think of you always, (it's impossible to permanently not, in fact, it hurts most of the time, so I do use a lot of energy pretending it doesn't matter, there isn't anything I can do about it anyways.)

Hope things are well, hope things are great, hope things are everything you wish them to be.

Kai Texting

12-4-12

Keri, I had a very beautiful dream about you last night. It was very sweet and tender and I just admit that it was sooo nice spending time with you there. It was like all the past was mended and you were healed of any and all pain that the past has caused you. You were just you, sweet, tender, loving, kind, there was no anger, no resent, just you and I spending a wonderful time together.

Dreams are wonderful, nice to hear you think of me. I had written you a few days ago via fb. Dreams are predictions, sounds good. I am doing well, I love my job I'm selling more books than trips, too bad I only make like $4 a book... bringing awareness is my passion which is how I know what my purpose is. And yes, I'm able to bring awareness without anger and as long as I have people that heal and learn from the God awful path I have traveled, it helps with the regrets. I will always dislike adoption and have nothing good to say about it as people do with slavery, but just as with that, we have to live it to understand to change it and rid of it the same as ending slavery. Love one another "adopt" the mother, helping others without having ownership and keeping mother and child together best we can. It is what it is, we are who we are... yep, I'm the same, and it's just that Hawaii gets it, it's called Hanai.

12-23-12

Happy bday. I still need your zip code. I'm at a loss for words... have a good day honoring yourself on this day...love to you

84663

u good?

Today a monk seal has been hanging out right at my office. I'll try to get some pics with this phone for ya

Not a great camera/phone but I thought how crazy that the first time ever for me to see a monk seal is today (on your birthday) in front of my neighboring boat , "KAI AKUA" all morning.

Pretty

Don't know about pretty... but she had a very sweet disposition... she startled everyone when she bobbed up eying the catch for the day showing her teeth reminding us she is a wild thing

Missed you last night. Shauna and Toni and Ami, Lily and I stayed up late talking. They told me wonderful stories about you.

hmmm wonder what the stories were

Just about when you were younger

Oh Chip and Dale stories aye/ the hostess with the mostest and the bell of the ball

haha what? No just about how sweet you always were before years of Steve crapping on you

Well that's nice to hear that I am being remembered in a better light

Yup. It would be great to be able to meet you back then, before all those bad things happened to you

hmmm... that confuses me... I am the same I have always been... b4 all the bad things happened to me... losing my first born to adoption was the worst thing I have ever been thru, so yep, it would have been nice to have never been apart so you could know me. I am the same person I was from my childhood.

With a lot more anger. And I really don't mind that you wanted to put me up for adoption, you don't need to act like it was this awful thing that someone else did to you. I know very well from all the sources that you were pissed about being pregnant and wanted nothing more than to get that baby out of your life.

Seriously I don't judge you at all for that, I would have felt the same way if I were in that situation

So stop with the victim thing, you chose to give me up, oh well, life goes on and I still love you

And I don't feel any resentment towards you for it, so quit beating yourself up over it, you have had much more hurtful things happen to you I think.

I don't beat myself up about it. I just hate our relationship.

Keri don't pretend like you wanted to keep me, I get enough lies from Steve, don't need them from anyone else. Everyone else that was there have told me you couldn't wait for it to be over and for you to go back to your life.

Yea well lets be more honest and maybe it would be better.

You didn't want me, that's understandable you were super young and practically a virgin and Steve would end up treating you like a scumbag anyway so... I wouldn't want that for myself either... if you really ever want a relationship you are gonna have to let the past go, whether its anger towards others or whether is guilt for giving me up

I can't have this convo right now especially via text ... I'm at work fixin to be on the raft in 20

Have fun, be safe, say hello to some whales for me and try to forgive whoever it is you need to forgive in order for us to get along 26 years for heaven's sake! It's about time to let the past go and move on.

26 years ago, stop going back there. Forgive, heal and live for today.

26 years ago got us to this moment and it gives issues to everyone involved in the situation even if you can't see it and you were raised by people that don't share my same beliefs so today you have the characteristics that I don't enjoy being around so I am living for today and helping mothers in need make sure they know what they're doing before they give away their child so when YOU can get over it and I can enjoy your company then talk to me.

This sounds so mean, I know... I was so sick of walking on eggshells for so many people. I was not going to sell out anymore and I could care less what anyone else thought. I'm sick of family members judging how I handle things; I just have to be real now. I just can't pretend anymore being nice to spare everyone's feelings. For once in my life I am honoring my feelings. I'm the one that lost my first born son, not them, what do they know about what my thoughts were, what my loss is, what grief I feel on a daily basis, who is anyone to think they know how I feel or have felt?

### Monk Seal

December 23, 2012

And of course I read into this strong message from the Universe... But what did it mean? ... Firstly, let's just state the facts... The first time I see a Monk Seal, ever in my life is on Kai's birthday, bobbing around the back of Kai AKua's boat in slip 9 with a kick back chill sad puppy dog sort of demeanor... then when the fishermen were unloading the large fish from the trips catch, the Monk Seal gets more alert and wild looking swimming into my slip 8 using my slip as her own personal area, welcoming the snorkel trip back.

Let's go look up Seal in the Animal Speak book... _Seals_ _\- although they will spend more time on land, the seal is more at home in the water. If a seal has shown up as a totem, it is time to do some questioning. Are you getting out of balance? Has the imaginative faculty opened so much that you are not staying grounded? Are you listening to the inner voice? Pay attention to your dreams, much of what you are dreaming and imagining may have a strong basis in reality – no matter how far-fetched. Seals keep us grounded so that we don't get lost or caught up too strongly within the imagination. The kind of creativity, stimulated by these totems, is similar to the kind of creative life force often associated with beings of the Faerie realm in legend and lore. The Selkies of the Sketland Islands and Iceland were water spirits who took the form of gray seals. According to legend, at night they would come on shore and shed their seal skins, walking and dancing in the moonlight as men and women. The archetypal force of the seals helps those with them as totems to learn to balance the inner imagination with the outer realities – making both aspects more colorful and beneficial._

Reflecting back on this time in my life, I recall me being _"too much in the Cosmos",_ well that is what a gifted Hawaiian healer told me. I had called her looking for healing help for me and my daughter. My daughter Kirah was not adjusting to Hawaii and us very well and we were having a hard time with her not being on the same vibration as us. The healer lady explained that I needed to do some heavy grounding to bridge the gap between Kirah and I... she even guided me through a meditation over the phone.

Kirah and Kai are very similar, in fact, I often have been very grateful for having Kirah, she gives me a front row view of how it would have been to raise Kai. When you become a parent, you too will realize the different relationships you have with each one of your children. It's not having favorites, it's not loving one more than the other, it's just a unique different relationship because we are all unique individuals and I don't think you can have an identical relationship with any two. Kirah and Kai have a lot of the same interests and personality traits. All three children are great combinations of Steve and my gene pool, but energetically those two take more energy from me to mother. Dallen has always been so obedient and has always been one to direct me even at a very young age. I have been told by more than one sensitive that Kai and Kirah are Steve's karmic debt and I was gifted Dallen to help keep me grounded so that I can stay on the path of what I am to do here. After being told that and studying how energy cycles out and clears the old vibration and how the cosmic clocks work... it made perfect sense to me and I could let go of the guilt that I did not do a better job with Kai and Kirah.

But let's go back to what this message of the Monk Seal coming for a visit in slip 9 under Kai's name could mean... _9 – get to work, lightworker – now! The number 9 means that you've completed all of the prerequisites to achieve your life purpose. Stop procrastinating, as its time to start taking action steps. Even baby steps are useful._ Well, I have always imagined and dreamed that I would be whole with all of my children close to me in my life. I have Kirah back but I don't have that older one that I am supposed to be grateful that he was saved from me or something... _I hate the whole thinking around adoption_ ... but that dream of Kai being a member of my family, honoring his place as a son of mine, never went away by signing my rights away in 1986, and that dream has been harder to ignore since reunion in 2005. I have obviously been successful raising my vibration to more of a one love vibration helping me to love everyone and forget about the boundaries of who to love.

Let me also fill you in on Dallen's advise to me during this time, _"Its time, you need to be writing that fourth book, mom"_ But I honestly did not feel I had anything positive or interesting to say, I was not completely happy with my life. I do not enjoy being broke, I was not enjoying living like a hobo away from family and friends, even though those family and friends thought I had lost my marbles.

You could take this message from the seal in many ways one of them being... I need to hold faith that Kai will shed his skin and become that son I imagine him to be, I need to stay grounded, it's time to write my book...In due time, Kai will be in my space alert and present in the relationship _with the number 8 meaning_ _abundance and prosperity. The endless loops in this number signify an infinite flow of money, time, ideas, or whatever else you require (especially for your life purpose)._

I have become a firm believer in reading the Universe as inside messages of which path to take or having that confirmation needed that I am on the right path. I have a lot of people, Kai and Kirah for two, that think I am crazy with my trust and ease with the Universe speaking to me. Everything is energy and this world is a world that attracts... you know, that law of attraction... energy is energy whether it is in the form of a seal or the energy I hold in my space. I challenge you all to start reading your surroundings and receiving these beautiful messages through nature and numbers, I honestly don't think I could have traveled my path as gracefully as I have without the Universe speaking directly to me. Not only is it a fun game, it brings peace of mind. It doesn't harm anyone, so why cut yourself off from the divine messages from this omnipresence that is at our fingertips to grasp.

### Santa sent Sapna

December 2012

Things were getting hard, financially. My paychecks still were pretty much nonexistent. Christmas was around the corner. Thank God I have foodstamps and the money from watching the kids for Pati; it basically paid for my room and board. I had no extra money and was very grateful that my kids were old enough to handle getting nothing for Christmas.

Being one that always is in communication with God/Source I had been praying for some kind of magical Christmas in Maui.

Auntie Kdawn had planned on a Christmas visit to Maui with her dear friend from London. We were sorely disappointed upon finding out a change in plans. Kdawn's father whom she had recently met was in his last stages of living. Kdawn chose to stay by her father's bedside for this time, but her London friend would love to still keep with the plans of spending Christmas in Maui. We were delighted with the news to be able to meet this long time friend of Kdawns.

I loved getting to know Sapna. She is close to me in age, she is from a divorced home, with both of her parents remarried with younger half blooded bonus sisters for her to love and enjoy. Sapna totally gets one love living and was an excellent example for us all. She was so giving and graceful, loving us so unconditionally with no judgment on our choice of medicine even though she does not partake.

I about fell over in shock when I found out what Sapna did for a living ... Sapna is some sort of peace officer in London... she has a uniform that has a cop like vibe... I forget what it is exactly that she is ... but she does not carry a gun. She goes in before the guns come in, talking sense into people to make better choices and carry on their way. I love the sounds of how London ran things... not quick to ticket but quick to watch over and protect in the way I have always envisioned officers of the law should be.

Sapna was the best gift I think Santa has ever brought me. Sapna couldn't have come at a better time. The honeymoon with Kirah was over and it was nice to have Kirah hang out with Sapna hearing the wisdom that I have been trying to communicate to her. Daughters always hear messages better from others besides their mothers.

Sapna was helping ground our home that was picking up on chaos.

Sapna joined our family beautifully; showering such needed love for the holidays; reading to the little kids, sharing wisdom with the older ones... Spoiling everyone with gifts and daily shaved ice.

I loved witnessing Sapna overcome her fear for the water and the creatures that are in it. When she had first arrived, I had turned her on to a whale watch. It was first of the season and I personally was a little disappointed with such little action. I apologized for it not being more of a thrill, I had such expectations and it was one of my first watches as well. She then shared her fear of the water and the creatures that are in it. Reassuring that was close enough to the whale for her, "...it was a great time! Don't apologize"... she loved it!

Every time we were at the beach, Sapna practiced on the long surfboard until she felt comfortable in the water with all of those creatures.

Sapna spoiled us for Christmas. Sapna was concerned about Pati, sensing the tension between her and Kirah. Sapna was continually on the lookout as to where she could apply service and love for every single one of us in this family unit. As Sapna was leaving she took us out for dinner ocean side and upon hugs goodbye and dropping her off to the airport, she gave Pati and I her last American dollars.

### Christmas Eve Whale Watch

2012

Sure beats Chinese Food! ... It has been a long time tradition for me and my family, to go for Chinese food every Christmas Eve. In Utah, wintertime can be such a hibernation time. Utahans spend a lot of their time watching TV, going to movies, dining out, and gathering with family, especially during the winter months. What a blessing it has been to spend my Christmas Eve with my sister Pati; watching whales.

It was the best whale watch I had all season, whales breaching everywhere, whales checking us out and even going under our boat, which is called a mugging when the whales get close. We went out for the morning watch and we did not really do anything special in honor of it being Christmas Eve. My kids are grown, I was extremely grateful when Steve's packages arrived for the kids on this very Christmas Eve day, looks like they will have something to unwrap on Christmas after all.

Holidays can be real bummers when you don't have excess to celebrate them. There are always some kinds of expectations we create that revolve around holidays. Not being able to afford the distraction of Christmas, _(thank God I live in Hawaii, year round summer, to be able to focus on other things such as nature and whales instead),_ it made me personally realize what those Jehovah Witnesses have been trying to explain... _"You don't need a holiday to give and acknowledge loved ones_ ". Traveling this path with only funds to live within my surviving needs, I have come to this joy of the Jehovah Witnesses. Not only is there less stress of a have to check list, but I have also noticed an even pace of unconditional love being in the moment not allowing the distractions that holidays tend to distract us with.

### Christmas

2012

I had signed up for a sub for Santa deal with Salvation Army prior to sending for Kirah... Steve had been raised on Sub for Santa Christmas' and we have heard over and over how disappointing it always was for him to never get what you desire or ask for; which fueled his drive to spoil our kids rotten with EVERYTHING they desire and ask for. We were delighted with the gift from Salvation Army, a fishing pole... something I have never thought to gift my son, amazingly enough.

I was so glad my kids were old enough that I didn't feel the need to stress myself out struggling to get them tons of gifts like they have been accustomed to receive. I was even gladder when Steve's gifts to the children arrived Christmas Eve. Steve had sent a Tablet for Kirah and indoor basketball shoes with a keyboard for Dallen... Along with Sapna and Pati being so giving, gifting us all so well, our family had a very magical Christmas.

I was so thankful to have Kirah home for Christmas. I couldn't imagine Christmas without her. It's hard to be away from family and loved ones during holidays. And once again, I was very grateful for those three beautiful children of Pati's in the space for the holidays. I always see serving her an honor to be involved with her kids.

(Christmas text to Kai)

December 25, 2012

Sending Merry Christmas wishes from Hawaii... thinking of you ever and always... looking forward to the day when we can stand each other. I will be sending your packages soon. Enjoy the season and let's have a better year. Sending love to you

### New Years Hawaiian Style

2013

Bringing in the New Year felt like celebrating the 4th of July. The neighbors strung firecrackers on a long rope and hung it up for a loud popping fire dance. I thoroughly love having summer weather year round! I never realized how much Utahans are forced to hibernate in doors because of the winter months. I am a skier, but the cost to go skiing has skyrocketed in prices. Snow skiing is now a hobby that only the rich can indulge in. I love how going to the beach is free; you don't even have to pay to park.

Kai Announces New Arrival

January 2013

January 5, 2013

You probably don't care, but just FYI you are having another grand baby... August

I'm glad Lily will have a full blooded sibling... I loved having Toni

And the FYI is nice. It's not that I "don't care"... It's just I strive hard every day with acceptance. It is what it is. I threw the role of your mother and grandmother of your kids away... Legally I'm no one to any of you, I tried to play the illegal way honoring the DNA connection but the rejection in that is too hurtful. I'm done being unhappy and the whole scenario around you brings such unhappiness to me ... as cold hearted as this may sound, I have to accept you are nothing to me and believe that whole degrading program that I was just a vessel to get you here and according to adoption, my part in you is over.

January 12, 2013

How's your knee? Dallen had a basketball clinic today, it was a great one and for free... they flew some sport trainer guy in from WA...if it's not enough to see your name everywhere... today I heard it all day... this 4 yr old girl (that was playing with my little 4 yr old, Jason) was named Kai and a rowdy little thing she was.

It's doing better. I'm walking on it. Turns out fractured knee caps really hurt! Anyway doctor said no activity for at least a month, but I'm in three city leagues with Branden so I'm pushing for recovery in two weeks. Here's too hoping.

Well energetically when one hurts themselves it is from the energy in our space being weak in that area to get our attention to deal...i.e.... when your feet give you trouble, like mine were, it actually is telling "fear of moving forward."... knee represents pride and ego, inability to bend, wanting own way, resents authority... just like when Kirah had warts... warts are explosions of hate & judgment ... as soon as Kirah cleared her anger & quit judging, her warts finally went away... you most likely think I'm crazy silly as you always do... but it is that simple to heal ourselves... analyze & use info as you wish... I hate being down... but lots of time for reading, and I love to read.

Ummm either that or they just play a lot of sports and have an accident. Although I do like your explanation of my injury, I do feel a lack of support from family in moving forward in the things I hold most dear. However I have the constant support of Heavenly Father in my life. So again, injuries happen and one did to me, not much more to it than that.

Not everything has to be analyzed and understood by man. In fact the sweetest things in life are those things that we simply don't fully comprehend and we humbly acknowledge that we lack understanding and just have faith in the Lord and his judgment and goodness.

Ya when I was your age and life was simple and sweet, I had the same belief... but when shit hits the fan in a huge way, I for one needed further knowledge of WTF why me when I was being such a good little daughter of God serving in his church to the depths that I was before 2005. Glad to hear you are so content and happy with your life.

I have a simple sweet life because I choose to smile at everything the Lord has dealt me your attitude of "why me" is your failing the test that was given you. Just because you are serving in the church does not make you exempt from trials and hardships, rather it strengthens us to be able to bear the burdens joyfully, and it fills us with love that we can have patience in our afflictions until the Lord sees fit for the tempest to pass.

If we just live our lives acting like victims, what will we learn? How to complain? I would rather live my life to the fullest, grateful for the good times AND the bad, as I know those hard times can be blessings if I have the wisdom to see and accept them as such when we live our lives not as victims but rather with grateful hearts, always following Jobs example when he said, "the Lord gives and the Lord taketh away, BLESSED be the name of the Lord!" when we live with this attitude, we have joy in life, not because its void of trials and hardships, but rather because come what may, we have it ingrained in ourselves to love love love each day given us, love love love each trial we are blessed to endure, and yes love love love the sweet blessings that come from patiently enduring and serving in God's kingdom.

Ok... this is one of the reasons I have a hard time having a relationship with you... you are so closed minded; it's your way or the highway... I understand your annoying characteristic in this because I was the same annoying way at your age, saying the same exact, "the Lord brings you and it is what you make it"... I have prayed to God to make obvious signs appear to let me know I need to reach out to you... and living here with your name EVERYWHERE I have requested the signs be louder so I don't have to talk to you every day, and crazily, it has... I don't enjoy interacting with you and pray someday I will. I can't ignore reaching out when things such as meeting the Jackson Theater Dudes and the little four year old having her name yelled continually in my ear... I will still continue to be obedient to my Lord and reach out to you when it is an obvious sign. Soften up, get real, and let's try to like one another.

Hahaha me close minded, my way or the highway!? Hahahahaha wow that is priceless, that's coming from the woman who cuts off anyone who doesn't agree with or bows to her ways! You try and cut me down and make me feel "ignorant" because I don't conform to your ways. I've lived your way Keri, I was a victim, I saw those who lived in the church as judgmental & vindictive, that the world was against me and that we should all just live freely without judgment and without responsibility. I felt that religion was society's evil way of making us conform of restricting us from being who we are. I lived that way Keri so don't you dare try and condescendingly tell me I am close minded. Why do you think I changed? I changed because I met the Savior of the world who forgives sins and heals the broken hearted. He taught me how to live, how to have joy, how to forgive and be forgiven. I live in His true path. I don't try and live about His law because I love his law. His law frees me and is the reason I have joy and happiness. How foolish and unkind of you to constantly try and trample such a gift I have been given instead of encouraging me to stand strong in the convictions I have been given from God. No no you couldn't encourage or be proud because that would require humility, something that is extremely lacking in yourself.

You want to talk about real? Real is family, real is love real is living now and enjoying what we have been given, not cutting all ties with our loved ones because they scolded or judged us, which by the way only comes from love and concern. You talk of love and I laugh you to scorn who are you, who cuts me down. You never try to build me up. Who rejects the angel Lily who happens to be your blood? Who are you to speak of love? If getting "real" is becoming cold and pessimistic like you then no Keri, I will never get "real" I guess I'll just live happily in my "fantasy" world.

I remember you before religion, so hurt inside with rejection and abandonment issues f-ing any girl you could get. I was unclear in a lot of ways back then too but I've grown so much emotionally and spiritually, found happiness from within along with Dallen and we got closer to God than ever. It took a man treating me like shit, smoking heroin in a daze, feeling rejected by him with him having to numb himself... Dallen and I loved him unconditionally with him in our space watching him go through withdrawals – where you don't even allow anybody in your space unless they praise you like Ami. So when you visit us you just feel like a normal person because we see greatness in everyone with love in their heart. We left religion after our spirituality grew out of it where it began to contradict.

And really both Lily and I both have wonderful women in our lives that love us for who we are and don't cut us down for how we live or what we believe. Its soo funny that you see the church as this awful judgmental entity... when you are the one that judges us and hates and reviles against us. We don't need your anger and judgment. We have already adopted Toni as the birth grandmother/mother of Lily and I and she fills the roll graciously and lovingly so you don't need to try to interact unless you want the way we live in your space. We certainly don't need the way you live in ours.

This is Dallen; you obviously don't even know the start of what the fucks gone on here. We were watching heroin destroy my father's soul, had to go within find happiness and leave everything to get away and live in Hawaii choosing to be houseless and happy over a mansion with unhappiness and fakeness. My mother is the most selfless person I've met in this dense world of ego, taking in any child of God that needs motherly love no matter the age... Where you won't even take time out to talk to your brother Justin to send love even with his loving soul. So stay up on that high horse, looking down on everyone, cuz God knows. I know our mission to heal others through love not covering up emotions by numbing with pills. Your ignorance brings us frustration so lose our number til your ego subsides and we can stand even talking to you through text. I've lived your Mormon way which is a great spiritual foundation but we have expanded our knowledge through talking to enlightened wise people, who get life.

The way we live our lifes? See the judgmental ways. What way we live our lives? Lovingly and in the present? Cuz I'm happier than I've ever been and closer to God then I've ever been, meditating and connecting to Source. So keep judging us as those "drug addicts" if only you could see what really goes on in this house. God knows, we're all happier when you're out of our space cuz you just disappoint us... so lose our number til you can come forward with love. Cus I love you Kai, I just don't let you judge my beliefs that have been proven to be true.

I never once said anything about drugs, I could care less what you do with your lives. I'm referring to you all living like victims because you do, you parade around boohooing about what life has done to you, instead of moving forward. So quit acting like a little terd who's just pissed off at life and has to bring others down with him. Justin has nothing to do with it. I don't speak to a lot of old friends cause I'm grown up and have a family of my own and responsibilities that take up most of my time, but that's something you know nothing about so why waste my breath. You have chosen to end up with a 5th grade education, never work and "just be" boy so much responsibility, must be tough, no wonder you have soo much time to get down on everyone else. Don't worry I haven't had your number saved in my phone ever, Keri just texts me from time to time to let me know how ignorant I am. I agree with you kid, let's just pretend that we've never met. We had good times back when I really was an ignorant selfish prick, but ever since I've changed it's been nothing but cruelty and rejection from your bunch.

Done throwing pearls to the swine, keep your beliefs in life and I'll keep mine. You don't know us or what we're capable of. I've learned more through mentors with experience then I ever have in school. School doesn't give me the information I require for this mission. So yea society only programmed me til ninth grade when I broke away, found myself, my mission and the mentors to teach me the wisdom I need. I don't boohoo about what life's done to me, I rejoice about where it's gotten me and what I've learned from it. It's gotten me to where I am now and I love where I am. I'm so in the present and high off life and Source. So keep loving, relating to, and healing, talk to you when you can understand and love unconditionally...

Sounds good, we never met, deal?

### Letter from my Mother

January 28, 2013

Dear Keri, Aloha from the mainland! I haven't been able to reach you by phone so I thought I would write the old fashioned way. We get so used to instant connection that letters become obsolete. I tried to ask Steve about your phone but I couldn't even understand what he said he was mumbling so badly. I of course am very concerned about his constant drug use. He said something about sending you a phone but that is what he said a month ago so I don't know if that will happen.

It is sooooo cold here. We got another snow storm yesterday...12"... added to our 12" we are covered in it. The skiing should be good though. At times like these I dream I was in Maui with you where the sky is clear and the air is warm. I'll just have to endure here til spring!

Your dad has been real sick. He got what I had but he has been running a fever of 102 (just coughed a lung up and couldn't breathe). He just gets it down and pop its back again. His fever has broke so he is going to go out and plow snow! Can't keep that good man down! We have the worst air in the nation or haven't you heard? Our respiratory illnesses have outnumbered the nation they are calling it the "Brigham Lung Disease" haha get it? Instead of Brigham Young... Oh well so much for my Salt Lake humor. We are making up for all you healthy people in Hawaii. It's put me back on daytime oxygen and resulting to watching TV or reading all day. I am having cabin fever BAD! But I am going grocery shopping today. John usually does all the shopping but he needs his energy for blowing snow.

The Quigleys are going to March in the St. Patrick's Day Parade on March 16th. We are having a float and matching T-s and I'm going to decorate my Jazzy up. We walk down 3 blocks to Gateway Mall and then there will be food and entertainment. When Kelly called me and informed me I kind of had an anxiety attack about it. Good thing Toni and Saidee were there and talked me through it and said how fun it would be and their whole family would want to participate. If you were here I know you would want to do the March decked all out in green. It should be fun.

How is the whaling business going for you? Are you booking lots of tours? How is Kirah's schooling going? Has she rebelled yet? What about Dallen, is he able to play on the basketball team? I talked a little bit to Elden last week and he sounds good. Seems he's planning on coming in for a visit between March and April. It will be good to see him-all bushy head and all. Are you guys coming in for a visit too?

Well I'll close for now and leave you all with my love and prayers. Be happy and at peace. I know you are loving all those who need loving. May God's blessings and healings pour down upon you and your family. Please let me know your phone number. I put my cell number back to a LAN line but John and I are sharing the Verizon cell so I can still receive texts and Verizon to Verizon free.  
Love always, mom

### Pati moves out

January 2013

There was so many dynamics at play that got totally amplified when Kirah arrived...

Pati was processing the loss of not having the babies' daddy in the space and had just got fired from her job... Understanding the process of such, I was overcompensating for Pati's distracted thoughts, cleaning up after her and the children more and more. I was getting very tired, praying to God reminding Him that I am too old and tired to be working this hard for free and then coming home to a house in such chaos to have to then clean house, make dinner just in time to go to bed...And it's too bad that money has so much power to get in the way of things... Pati was getting paid funds by the state for me to watch the children as long as she was working or volunteering. This was a huge part of my income to pay for my share of the rent. When Kirah moved in and demanded that she gets paid it just became a nightmare for Pati; who to pay? Dallen and I felt like we were fired.

 Kirah and Pati were bringing the worst out in each other acting like junior high sisters. I saw fault with both of their behaviors and stayed neutral allowing it to play out as needs be.

It wasn't pretty and Pati left; stripping the house of many things, and moved in with a boyfriend.

Dallen and I missed the kids but I think we all needed a break from each other.

### Whale Season at its Peak

February 2013

Whew, the whales finally came and so did the paychecks. I was able to pay the difference in expenses from Pati moving out. I was looking forward to spending the extra money on nice things such as maybe a new outfit or maybe a night out to eat with the family instead of more rent. I finally was able to save and accumulate enough extra monies to get a few things to send to Kai and family in the name of his birthday and Christmas.

_Humpback Whale_ _-_ not in animal speak book but what about the humpbacks does the encyclopedia definition stick out _... winter months, the humpbacks fast and live off of their fat reserves...._ Well it is winter and I am hoping that this is as slim as it gets as far as fasting and living off of my fat reserves.

Letter from Ami (Kai's wife)

February 2013

Hey Keri,

So, just wanted to send a big THANK YOU for the package that we received. It was so kind of you to include all of us and the gifts were so great. I LOVE the dress.

A little update on us, I'm not sure what you do and don't know, so I'll just be open about what is going on.

I know Kai told you we are having a baby, but we found out that the little tyke is a boy, so that is very exciting. He's due July 16th, so Lily and him will be very close.

Lily is growing like a weed. She's got her two bottom teeth in, and is perfecting the art of crawling. She definitely keeps me on my toes.

Kai is finding new interest in real estate. He wants to buy property and rent it for additional income. He's been pretty focused on finding and buying his first investment home, but it probably won't happen until after we get home from selling. Speaking of which, we will be selling in Miami, Florida. Everyone's pretty excited, especially to get out of the Texas market. Which also means that we're going to have a Florida baby boy.

As far as how I'm doing, my belly continues to grow daily. I feel as though I'm becoming a pro at being pregnant beings as it wasn't that long ago that I was pregnant with Lily. I feel as though I'm handling this pregnancy a lot better though. I have a lot more energy and am able to do a lot more, thank goodness too because I've got a little one to take care of.

Well, that is about it with us. Definitely feel free to respond with how you all are doing, but of course you shouldn't feel obligated to do so. Thanks again for the great gifts! Ami, Kai and Lily

Ami, so good to hear from you. Thanks for the update. Toni and I are 14 months apart, my mother says she wanted to get diaper duty done and over with all at once... but beings that she was a teen mom, I doubt she did it on purpose, but I for one am thankful for having a younger sibling so close in age; she has been like having a twin. I'm happy to hear you liked the package, I wish I could have sent more but it is a sacrifice to live here, very expensive just to eat. I love living here and am so happy this is where I ended up.

Glad to hear all is well... things are getting better and better... in fact, I was just interrupted (yes, I'm facebooking at work) by Payton a little girl I befriended that had gone on the Kai Akua fishing trip yesterday. Cute 3rd grader is going out on the glass bottom boat today and ran up to say hi... just found out where she is from...CASPER WYOMING... go figure, of course she is... When Kai energy hits, Kai energy hits.

Anyways, we hope to have financial abundance soon so that we can schedule a visit to Utah... sounds like the skiing is going to be great this year... don't miss the snow, but glad to hear Utah has been pounded.

I would be happy about Florida as well, I like Texas but I would love the opportunity to check out as many places on the map as possible in my lifetime... I need to get on it, lol.

Well, thanks for reaching out and saying hello, it helps with the feeling of some kind of connection to ya'all. Take care, Lots of love

### Stoney McStonerface Stone

February 2013

When Pati and the kids moved out, Dallen felt the need to have a dog even stronger. I was very grateful for Whale season; I was able to shell out a few hundred to get Dallen his dog.

Dallen researched all the puppies in the area. After looking at one female Catahoola pup in Kula, we paid the Humane Society a visit and found us an Australian Cattle dog mix. Even though Dallen was hoping for a female, we took this playful male home with us. It was a match made in heaven, not only does he have markings of hearts all over, he has a marking the shape of Maui...AND he was born November 29th; the very day that Kirah landed on this island... both babies landing on Maui the same day!!!

Dallen and I had been told by Crystal back in 2008 that Dallen has a contract with a dog. And this is the dog I believe she had saw along with her knowing that my home is by the ocean. This dog has been the best dog ever. You just tell him something once and he gots it. Having a dog is perfect for getting one out of bed regularly. Dogs like routine... walks every morning and night... love it. Plus, Stoney has the best markings, hearts, Maui, spades depending on how his fur is lying... One of the first outings we took Stoney on, we ran into a dog that looked just like the dog Dallen had to leave in Utah... Zues... it was almost a Zues blessing of approval in a symbolic kind of way.

### Sharks at Work

February 2013

It's always a treat when the sharks come to work. What kind of message could they represent? My Animal Speak book doesn't have shark... so is what we do, we analyze what sharks do... _their job is to clean the sea..._ looked up on internet... _protection is offered... if there is a situation in your life that you need to "scare away"... you will be given by shark the power and confidence to fend off negative elements or get rid of them completely._

Well guess what folks?...

### Steve gets Arrested

February 13, 2013

When Pati moved out, we took a break from talking to each other... well, you could say, I was taking a break from talking... that cold as ice behavior tends to kick in when I don't feel safe in a relationship.

I remember Pati had called me on a Monday morning asking if I had heard from Linda, their mother; I hadn't. Pati then proceeded to tell me that she gave her mother until today to inform me what is up with Steve. For some reason their mother was wanting to keep it a secret from me. I was already wondering why Steve wasn't answering my calls or calling me back.

I guess Steve had broken in a few houses in the night with a loaded gun like a crazed maniac strung out on heroin. When they finally caught up with him they charged him with 10 counts of crazy insane behavior acts.

Unbelievable... I knew things were getting unsafe for Kirah but I did not see this coming. I had fear that she would wake up to something to the effects of having to call 911 to help revive her father. ... I guess this is actually a better scenario; at least Steve will get the rehabilitation he has needed.

It's crazy how expensive rehab outside of jail is. I remember when I had researched about getting Steve into any state of Utah rehabilitation center and had been told there weren't any available beds. ... If you ask me, there is something wrong with that picture... Why wait until some kind of havoc and destruction comes until providing a free rehabilitation called jail???

I was very glad I had my daughter HUGELY at this time.

I was glad Steve was safe and getting detox treatment. They had transferred him to the hospital area of the jail. His usage had escalated from smoking heroin to shooting it up.

Rumor has it that the judge wants to throw the book at Steve and give him 40 years in prison. WOW, that is just overkill silliness if you ask me. But I guess if a person is going to be a threat to society, I guess lock them up for 40 years cause we wouldn't want any old geysers taking us down... maybe the judge will feel safe for Steve to be back on the streets before he reaches 84 years of age. Wouldn't that suck, dying in prison/jail.

### Truth be Told

February 2013

I have a strong truth in _Time Heals_ , and I for one was thankful for this quiet time for healing. Our house had escalated to such chaos; I welcomed the peaceful quiet with no worries of how I was to make the rent for next month with Pati leaving the household.

My income of babysitting no longer coming in, my food stamps had been decreased in half, _(the state felt I was making too much money, $700 for babysitting and with the whales here I was making $1000 a month... I am still confused on the abundance of that... I have come to the conclusion that the state wants to keep you struggling.)_ and with Pati moving out that made an extra $500 for me to come up with for rent... making quite a financial change in my monthly living expenses in the negative. Good thing the whales are here for another month. Like I told the state, _"I don't understand your fear of my supposed abundance, I was barely able to afford blow up mattresses for me and the kids, feeling like we will be able to get a step closer to comfortable living when I felt like a chair had been kicked out from under me."_

...Trust that the Universe always provides and it will... Don't focus on the lack...

### Becca Comes and Goes

March 2013

Before I could even worry about finding a roomie, Elden came home to announce that Becca, a friend of his that I adore, needed a place for a month until she heads to Peru. We welcomed Becca into our home with open arms. It was awesome having Becca here. I love having roommates, there is always something they teach me.

Becca was a true blessing in so many ways. She moved in with a coffee maker and other household items that Pati had taken with her. Becca brought with her all kinds of good healthy food makings. Dallen was ecstatic; he wanted to step up his organic living, desiring such things as flax seed. Becca was a great example, making healthy organic meals simple.

Becca didn't stay long; that month came and went in a blink of an eye.

Keri, Kirah, Dallen and Elden,

And so the journey continues... or begins. I can't even begin to thank you all enough for hosting me and being the most AWESOME, loving, caring, wonderful, amazing stoners, and family a gal could ask for. Keep manifesting and sending good vibrations. The world is at our fingertips. I love you all dearly. I am very excited to share my stories and be a part of yours. Love Becca

It was during getting to know Becca that I discovered an interesting pattern... June 26 is a total soul mate connection for me... My only full blooded sister, Toni, is born on June 26; delivering a companion (roommate) to me until I married. Toni then had a son on her birthday delivering to me my beloved nephew, Chance, on June 26th... _(Who, remember was our escort and first roommate in Maui)._ When Chance had moved back to Utah, remember, Pati had moved in.... Her birthday??? You guessed it June 26th. Do I even need to tell you when Becca's birthday is??? June 26th. Upon realizing the strong pattern of my roomies, I read into it more, looking it up in the Zodiac Bible Dallen has; finding June 26th as a soul mate birthday for my birthday of April 29th. People born on this day are complete gifts to me from the Universe giving me the added love and support needed to continue on this path. ( _Dallen has brought to our attention the perfect Fen Shui of it... with me being Taurus, Dallen being Libra, Elden being Aires, having a Cancer in the mix completes it, creating total balance for the elemental signs; earth, air, water, fire)_

This got me thinking... what does it mean that Kai's wife is born on June 27th, delivering my first born granddaughter on her birthday June 27th?... If you read into it via Numerologically, 26 is 8 _(that magical infinite number that is strongly in my space)._ According to Doreen Virtue's Angel Number 101 book _the number 8 signifies abundance and prosperity. The endless loops in this number signify an infinite flow of money, time, ideas, or whatever else you require (especially for your life purpose)_... 27 is 9 which has a meaning of completion. Doreen's book definition... _9- Get to work, Lightworker-now! The number 9 means that you've completed all of the prerequisites to achieve your life purpose. Stop procrastinating, as its time to start taking action steps. Even baby steps are useful_... Everything in perspective and translation, right... I see the message here.

### Jr. Pays us a Visit

March 2013

MOTHER KERI!!!

So, good news... life has been stressful here in the city... therefore, my father and I spoke... and I wanna come visit everyone. I miss the motherly love you gave us... I miss how Dal and I used to say; "yeah buddy!" every second and lil sister that remind me of my little sister and last but not least, Elden.

You guys look so happy and I feel as if I need a couple weeks or even a couple days in Hawaii and forget SLC for a little... What are your thoughts on it? I don't know the area well so if I were to come down I would like for you guys to show me around and just enjoy each other's presence. I miss you all, message me back soon as you have time. Thank you and I hope I can see you guys soon.

p.s. I talked to my boss about how long I can have off work and they said two weeks. So what do you think?

One Love, Junior

I can't tell you how happy your message made me!!! I gathered the family around and read your beautiful words. We were celebrating with every word, doing cartwheels in our hearts leaping for joy. WE CAN NOT WAIT!!! You just let me know when, we will receive you with open arms, come soon, now is peak of the season for whale watching, You gotta go on our raft and see the whales sonny boy!

See! I miss that love ohh so much! Just confirmed with my father and its settled. Tomorrow I look for tickets and soon fly out to Lahaina, Hawaii. Once tickets are purchased I'll immediately send you the exact date of departure and arrival. I'm excited to see my second family! I love you all and I'll be sure to keep you guys updated Mother Keri. Kisses and hugs and speak to you guys really soon. I'm too happy right now!!!

Junior arrived early March. It was perfect timing, Dallen and I were feeling the rejection of Kai not embracing who we are, and here the Universe sends son/brother energy through a different source named Junior. LOVE IT!

It worked out perfectly that Universe orchestrated Junior to come to town for Kirah's 14th birthday. Junior treated us dinner in honor of Kirah's birthday... love Aloha Mix Plate! Can't have too many people helping Kirah feel special.

Junior's stay came and went quickly; he left with the desire to return to Maui for good within a few months. It always is such a good feeling having a little bit of Utah come for a visit bringing that familiar family feel.

While Junior was here so was BOWZER!!! Jon Bauman, Bowzer of ShaNaNaNa came the same day of the boys snorkel trip. I loved hanging out with the guy; becoming short lived best buddies for the next days of whale watching.

Word from Steve

3-19-13

Keri, Dallen and Kirah,

How are you guys? I hope all is well. As you know I have been in jail a month and it looks like I have another four months. While I am in here I am in alcohol and drug rehab and I am also studying lots of computer programs and learning how to build a website. I want to use my time wisely and learn and grow as much as I can while I am here. I am also clearing my Chakras 3-5 times a day and am learning to meditate.

So how is Hawaii? Dallen, I hear you made a deal with the school and are learning to blow glass that is awesome. I hope you are being careful on your long-board and have been playing ball. Your talent and grace is a rare one and you should always use your talents to better your life. You are an amazing son and I love you so much.

Kirah, I hear you are in school but wanting to come home. I will be out in August so you can come live with me if you want and it is fine with your mom. You don't like Maui? What don't you like about it? I am so proud of the young woman you have become. You are smart and beautiful. I hope you are making good choices and behaving for your mom. I love you tons and I am excited to see you.

Keri, sorry about this, I have some stuff starting soon though so I will have Kelly send you some money. I also have to make a change on your taxes and submit those I got a few of them back this year so luckily yours hadn't gone in yet. I will get someone to finalize those and submit them this week. I'll let you know when I have the revised return and the expected date you will get that. How are you other than that? Hope you are still loving Hawaii and all is well. If you and or the kids have time to write that would be awesome.

Love, Steve & Dad

### Cardinals Everywhere

March 2013

Kirah is so unhappy here. Dallen and her are getting into raging fights; they cannot live under the same roof.

Cardinals everywhere we go.

Let's look up what cardinal means in the Animal Speak Book ... _Cardinal_ _– Renewed Vitality through Recognizing Self-Importance... The male cardinal makes a good parent and often shares with the female the task of egg incubation. The male, though, will always feed the female while she is in the nest, and the baby cardinals as well._ Well that is good enough for me; I have been digesting Kirah needed to be in Utah near her father.

Justin Inquires

March 24, 2013

HEY MS KERI HOW THINGS GOING

Things are crazy... the only thing I do know for sure is that I am at peace... all that I am in control of is myself. I get a little sad that I cannot relish in grandmahood but I'm sure if I was still in Utah the head games would still be going on and I wouldn't be relishing in grandmahood anyways. I love living in Hawaii, I love my new friends, and I love my new life even if I am still sleeping on a blowup mattress. We are looking forward to your visit; let me know when you will be able to make it. Food is pricey here, $7 for a gal of milk, so save up... We are completely living within our means and are still struggling financially. I know God is blessing me and continues to bless me; it's not easy being the provider... glad I am a hippie's daughter... Dallen and I can live in rags and be happy, Kirah on the other hand is having a harder time... she says, "I'd rather be crying in a mansion than be this poor and "happy"' ... Obviously she hasn't been as unhappy as Dallen and I in the mansion. Can't wait to show you our new home in Maui. Love you

Now, if you haven't read book one, you most likely do not know who Justin is. Justin is my _"Golden Boy",_ a nickname Steve and the boys had given him. In 2006 when we were united as a family in Texas with Kai, Justin had been one of Kai's first good friends that he had brought home _(they both were on the college basketball team)._ Justin quickly "adopted" our family and has been a part of it ever since.

### Laundry gets Lifted

March 2013

I have come to the conclusion... Life Happens... and the best way to deal with it is to live it one moment at a time. It's good to have dreams and goals, it helps keep us focused on what we do want because on this journey... so far, we have experienced what we _don't_ want.

I had dreams and goals of being this perfect little family and becoming this perfect little grandma, relaxing and enjoying my later years in life. I have worked hard at reaching that goal, only to find _that_ wasn't my path.

Having my dreams and goals crumble right before my eyes was a hard realization to face. In the moment and for many moments after, I felt like all my dedication, my service, my sacrifice was all for no reason... and to feel like my life was all for no reason, makes it pretty hard to have any reason to move forward... because where in the hell is life going to lead me? And how am I going to live my " _perfect little life_ " that I have always dreamed about? If my path/my blueprint obviously doesn't have the " _perfect little family_ " program _(that I have been taught is everyone's goal)_ as the end of my journey in this life, then what is the destination?

I was getting impatient for the destination and not enjoying the journey. It has been real scary charting into unknown waters with only my 15 year old son, and my nephews... in a matter of months, I left my husband, my house, my daughter, my eldest son, my first granddaughter, all my family, the dog... I left everything, said goodbye on an act of faith that my 15 year old will help guide me.

It had been an amazing journey so far, healing at the harbor... which by far has been my most favored part of my 43 year journey... but I was starting to question the destination that was not coming quick enough for me.

Dallen had been telling me that it is time I start writing the 4th book but honestly I didn't feel motivated to tell anyone the story. In my eyes, there still wasn't much to be _that_ grateful for... after all, I was getting sick of living like a Hobo away from my family and close friends. The sacrifice wasn't matching the reward by any means. I was being tempted to throw in the towel and succumb to moving back to Utah, giving in to all those mind games, willing to sacrifice my passion for living, _(bringing awareness)_. After all... my life is lived, my choices have been made, nothing can change my past, maybe it is time to just accept life stinks and give in to aging like an old folk; keeping my wisdom within me and become that quiet reserved person that I never thought I would become...

And then... to top it off... the _family's laundry got lifted off the clothesline_...

Kirah had called me from home scared to leave her room because she had spotted a homeless looking couple out back getting ready to take clothes off of the line. After arriving at home, analyzing the situation with our dear neighbor William, we came to the conclusion that the homeless looking couple Kirah had spotted _(who had left our hose on flooding out the backyard, obviously being interrupted in their outdoor "showering")_ must be the where and how Williams pieces of clothing have come up missing along with Junior, Becca and now ours, lifted off of the inner clothing lines that are not exposed to the back window.

The violation of this was the cherry on top of how I was feeling around this time. It wasn't necessarily the items missing that was the upset... _(obviously, we are in enough of an abundance of clothing to not know what items exactly were missing from the sparse clothes remaining on the line)_... it was the feeling of being kicked while you are down that was this cherry.

Upon arriving to work the following day, Povi and Capt. Tiff were the listening ears that I found to dump the " _can you believe the nerve of some people"_ ... I wasn't looking for any handouts or sympathy, Im just one that expresses my life's upsets and joys to those that will listen. And what a blessing it was to have Povi and Tiff be those listening ears... Within 24 hours, those two had collected 18 bages of donations of clothing along with a card from Povi with extra cash to help this single mother in need out. I have never been so moved in my life... the compassion and quick response... I was so impressed with the out pour of love from this harbor family of mine! This act of love was just the motivation I needed to start writing my story.

Along with the donations, came a new roommate, this huge moth we have seen periodically still to this day in May... _Moth – With butterflies and moths there are always four distinct stages of change. The cocoon is only spun by the moth._ Symbolically meaning a more shielded protection _Transmutation and the dance of joy. They remind us not to take things quite so seriously within our lives. They awaken a sense of lightness and joy. They remind us that life is a dance and dance, though powerful, is also a great pleasure._

I can never be told that message enough. Dallen is always reminding me to enjoy the journey.

FaceBooking Ami about Kirah

3-28-13

Hey Ami, Kirah has demanded to go back to Utah. She refuses to go to school here. She hates the beach, the weather, and the "boring" people... (She's not into bliss yet, she's still young wanting more excitement than Hawaii has to offer.) Well, and, we aren't living in the conditions she is used to. We all sleep on blow up mattresses, which is way better than the ground... she just never experienced the homeless part or sleeping on the ground part of our journey to be grateful for the roof over our heads and the blowup mattresses.. I really can't blame her... Anyway, she has insisted on moving back and living with the Jac if she must... I told her that is not an option. I told her that the only option is Toni or you guys. Toni is hesitant but Kirah will be asking her. I'm asking you because you are the mom of the house and it will mostly affect you if she were to move in with you guys. Talk with Kai; feel free to say I don't think so. Let me know your feelings on this so Kirah can get a move on with her life. Talk to you soon. Lots of love

3-29-13

Hey got the message back from my mother. I didn't think it would be a go, but I was letting Kirah see me advocate for her. I didn't think the reason would be Blakesley related but whatever, I know the only reason she wants to go back is because of her friends. It's a hard age to leave friends and make new ones but I have to admit I am glad to hear everyone reject the idea of taking Kirah. And I love that my mother was willing to do so if needed. Kirah has rejected the grandma idea so obviously she was leaving for the wrong reasons, only time will tell, but thanks for digesting the idea. I realized through all this, there will most likely never be any relationship between us, or the kids you bare. Adoption is final; lose a kin for life, totally my bad. Aloha

Keri, I had every intention of getting back to you on this. I wanted to talk to Kai first, and my brother Eric just got home from his mission last night so it's been pretty busy. I wanted to tell you that we would love to have Kirah. The only issue we would run into is that we are leaving for Florida at the end of the month, and would return in October, so obviously we wouldn't be able to have her until after then. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you sooner and you believed that we were rejecting her. Not at all the case; I'm not sure I understand when you say the reason was Blakesley related? So is she deciding to stay? I don't want you to think that there can't be a relationship between us, we want one to be. I think I'm maybe missing a piece of information that has been communicated through your mother? I'm not sure. Anyway, let me know... talk to ya later

It's no big deal... it's just my mother said that Kai said the Blakesleys are very involved with your life and it would be fuel on the fire... so whatever, Kai probably knows best, I had forgotten how in the beginning those Blakesleys were wishing they could take away my other children too. I had forgotten but yep, he is right, they most likely would get possessive of my daughter too.

Honestly folks, Kirah hates it here. She has refused to wear anything else besides long pants and sweatshirts. Her complaint... "It should not be warm in the winter."

I told her, "I don't plan on ever being cold in winter again, unless to visit."

I understand her desire to be with friends. I remember when I was her age. I also remember Pat's words that Kirah is not part of the Hawaii journey. I understand that now Steve is where he is supposed to be, Kirah is to be back in Utah. I don't fully know why, but I can see how Kirah being near her father, having face to face visits is exactly what the both of them need. They need each other.

Kirah first came to me, demanding to live with Jac, my nickname for her, "The Jac". I am over my annoyance with her. She can have Steve all to herself now. And to be honest, I am ever so grateful that she is there for Steve, loving him, taking care of Dallen's dog, cleaning up after that husband of mine, taking care of all the family belongings as well as she has. Honestly, I think it would have been harder for me to accept letting go of Steve if there hadn't been someone there _TO_ love him.

Never thought I would come to that conclusion. But I honestly feel for the girl. I can only imagine her issues from her loss. Losing her 1st born son, Steve's 2nd born son to her parents... the version of the story I have is one of those late discovery adoptee liar liar pants on fire stories (it's all in book one)... poor dear... but one of the side effects of losing your child is collecting other children aiding mothers in need. So when Kirah went asking about living with Jac, it gave me a moment to feel total forgiveness for the woman and accept her as the bonus mom.

As much as I did not want my daughter living with this woman, I just had to surrender and trust whatever will be will be. I told Kirah the same and upon Kirah telling Jac... my mother got a phone call.

Jac soon contacted my mother telling her that she didn't think Kirah moving in with her would be such a great idea after all. I guess Jac was playing good cop thinking I would play bad cop and say no. When I didn't say no, Jac informed my mother that the judge had ordered no contact between Steve and Jac because I guess, come to find out... Jac was with Steve the night of his arrest and it was Jac's car they were in.

Whew, so glad that didn't work out! But how grateful I was for my nonchalant demeanor and ability to forgive and let go and let God.

I feel I had done the same with Kai's parents the Blakesleys over and over like groundhog day... forgiving and starting again, striving for their acceptance of me as a mother to Kai... an added member of their family possibly... only to constantly be reminded, "oh ya, let's not blend." It's hard for me to act other than family; after all, they did adopt my son.

### Kirah Hates it Here

March 2013

I talked to my mother today...we finally figured it out... Kirah is going to go back to Utah and live with grandma. Kirah hates Hawaii so bad, she was determined to live with whoever would receive her... My mother always jumps in to rescue and she had great skills from working as a state assistance specialists... she knows how to rehabilitate and Kirah needs some rehabilitating.

It was quite challenging to have Kirah in the mix. She hadn't gone through the first half of our journey, surviving as one... and to tell you the truth, I don't think she could have survived it. We needed all the positive thinking we could muster to climb the upward curve to get back to a desirable place that only existed in our hearts.

I had warned Kirah about our living conditions and she had heard about the infestation... By the time Kirah had arrived November 29 _(the day Stoney was born interesting enough)_ the infestation was under control for the most part. We live in Hawaii, you are going to have bugs. It was quite comical to see Kirah's reactions to the one bug here or there... she had no sympathy from any of us. We had been through Halloween horror with bugs and rodents until our abs were rock hard from the screams we shrieked when we moved in _October_.

At first Kirah loved being here with Pati's kids. Kirah is a strong nurturer and she tends to take over thinking she is the only one that is watching the kids when in all reality that is her enjoying interacting with her cousins. She didn't realize we were getting along just fine before she came.

Dallen and I had been so excited to show Kirah Maui. Kirah did not even allow for a sunburn to say, _"I hate the beach, its sandy and the sun hurts my skin."_ More and more Kirah hibernated at home with her electronic gadgets.

I felt bad that I couldn't give Kirah more quality time and attention. Dallen and she just did NOT get along. Dallen could not understand her need of having me all to herself at times, even though he has been privy to get me all to himself for so long. Everything the other said was " _stupid_ ". Their hate for one another grew so intense. I just could not referee the two of them any longer. I choose to ignore both of them instead of trying harder to juggle my time to teach them how to understand one another and get along.

It was good to have Elden here for Kirah to hug, love and hang on to, but he worked most of the time. Kirah would only hang out with us when Elden was home. I just couldn't give Kirah the attention she needed. All my energy is going towards surviving, being the sole provider for my family. I needed an extra parent or family member to help. I was very grateful that my mother understood saying, " _Each and every one of your children has needed to be an only child, each one of them requires a lot of individual attention._ " With that my mother volunteered for the job, paying for Kirah to fly back home to Utah so Kirah could be the apple in grandma and grandpa's eye, getting oodles of attention along with guided direction and scheduled counseling sessions and a program my mother developed called ESTEEM.

Letters with Steve

4-9-13

Hey guys, I got your letters on Thursday then I got my letter back last night that I mailed a month ago. Crazy slow mail.

Everything is good here. I'm in a program called CATS that is like rehab in jail, it is good. It keeps me busy so time flies. I will be out some time mid July. The first three weeks in here sucked cause I boo-hooed and felt like I didn't deserve to be in here, but once I accepted it would be a minute and just started doing my time, reading a lot, got a bunch of educational books and studying those, got a book on building websites and new computer programs, started working out every day, then time started flying. So even though I am locked up, the food sucks and my bed is hard, I am better than I have been in a while. I am reading like 3000 pages of books a week, studying a couple hours a day, reading scriptures, praying daily and just being grateful to be alive. I have lost close to 45 lbs since I've been in here and I am getting my muscles back. My mind is clear and it is getting sharp and quick again.

Kirah, I hear you will be back on the 19th, that's good. Then you can come see me on Sunday the 21st. I'm excited to see you so we can visit and I can see how beautiful you are becoming. Are you all super tan?

Dallen, I'm glad you love blowing glass, that's awesome. I hope you are being careful on your long-board. I hope you are staying in shape and using your mind, studying and learning many things. You are an amazing young man and you can do whatever you choose to do. Use your talents to better yourself, your family and mankind in general.

Keri, thank you for your letter. It came at just the right time with a message that I needed to hear. It helped me break through some hurdles that I was having trouble getting over. Jail sucks, but this six months has been invaluable and is helping me progress so quick/ this whole experience has been a blessing. I have had amazing cell mates that have shared their wisdom and now my cellie is a kid Kai and Branden's age that works out relentlessly every day. That motivates me to work out and get back into great shape. He is a really nice boy and we have a lot of fun. All and all the whole experience after the first three weeks has been ok. I'm reading and studying so much. I forgot the brain is a muscle and the more you use it the stronger it becomes. At first I could barely read 200 pages a week, now I am reading a 400-600 page book a day, plus studying social studies, math, science, language and learning how to build web sites and about various computer programs. Also, in here I go to AA, CA, LDSA (LDS substance abuse program) every week and bible study and Mormon Church, so the influences are great.

Well, I love you all and can't wait to see you guys. Kirah I will see you in a few weeks.

Love, Steve, Dad

4-13-13

Steve, It was so good to get your letter and hear how well you are doing. I love that we are still friends after all that went down.

You are an amazing powerful soul and I am excited for you to step into your power and love yourself to the full capacity... you deserve it.

Taxes or any money for that matter would be great. I am extremely nervous as to how I will be paying rent and other things. The whales have gone and my boss has already loaned me $1000 and has told me, no more money until the thou is paid back... which will be a challenge since these harbor bosses get away with having free labor in the name of paying only commission... even in the good months I never made more than $2000 which only handicapped me more because the state lowered my food stamp amount and now that I am back to making nothing. I will have to go in and meet with those welfare people that make you feel like a LOSER wanting free handouts. If I didn't mind tenting it (camping), I would not even consider going in, but I do not want to do THAT again.

So, Kirah is heading back to Utah. It has been hard to have both her and Dallen in the same house without having another parent to give the other attention while I'm with the other. The competition... not so much from Dallen... but with Kirah, is too much. Dallen doesn't understand her demand to exclude him. Dallen has always been one for unity and all together now. But I can understand Kirah's upset. I just can't be the referee for it all anymore. I am so glad Pat (healer in Mapleton) warned me that Kirah was not part of the Hawaii journey... and boy is she not. She hates everything about it here. Which again, I can understand... the poor dear lost her family, her dad, her house, her room, her belongings, her state AND her friends... all in such a short time. It will be good for her to be there by her daddy.

Plus, remember what I had been told... children are Karmic Debt to help refine and clear our energy... Kai and Kirah are your Karmic Debt... because of the mission I am to do, I was gifted Dallen to ground me and get me where I need to be.

Dallen loves and adores you. He cannot wait for you to join him on his path but also knows that this is perfect for the NOW to help heal for what is to come.

Pati and I are on speaking terms. Everything happens for a reason... you may not understand at the moment but allow yourself to flow with the current of life without resistance, pretty much saying, "Yes" to everything... "I will go where you want me to go dear Lord." and when you flow the direction that brings peace and happiness from your heart instead of thinking your way thru it, you will be guided to where you need to be. Even if at this moment, you are sleeping on a hard bed in jail... or on the ground homeless in Olawalu... it is all just the step to a better place... you figure, you have been prolonging the step because of fear... my fears used to be; being alone and having to financially provide for myself.

2012-2013 is all about facing our fears. There is not any fear based thinking allowed on the new earth... we are going to have too instant of manifesting power that fear would manifest and create horrible things that would destroy our planet.

I am so happy to hear you are reading so much... chose wisely what you fill your thoughts with. Only read what you would want to create in your world. No more Soprano, CSI stuff... Make it more on the lines of Bewitched... make your world magical, happy and full of bliss, peace and love for everyone.

Lots of love Darling

Friends Forever

Love Keri

### Mark almost pays me Salary

April 2013

I was able to afford the rent for February and March but by April, my paychecks had become less and less. I had to spend a good portion of my check on food; it was pretty close to the $600 they had taken from my food stamp amount.

When it was time to pay rent, my boss comforted me saying, _"We will work it out, I like you."_ I had informed my boss, ( _Mark_ ), of my predicament letting him know that I am going to have to find a job that pays a base because this commission business is not working. I gave him the opportunity to pay a salary to keep me employed by him. I felt like I had showed him the value in me as an employee during this six months serving his company over and beyond, not worried about what I am getting paid for. My mentality is that of employers and I had treated the job as such, making this company my best interest. I let my boss know that I needed $2000 a month to be able to live on. I was glad he _liked_ me because I really do love working the booth at slip #8.

I gave Mark until Monday to decide what he can do for me because on Monday, I needed to go meet with Scott with West Maui ParaSail. Scott pays hourly plus a bit of commission. Mark was so sweet trying to figure out a way to keep me as his employee. He had even offered for me to move into his Front Street house which he uses as his boat yard rent free to help compensate for my earnings. Mark always rents out the rooms individually and he was clearing out the tenants, or so he thought. I was willing to go wherever the Universe would provide. I have learned, life falls into place if you just ride the current saying _"So it is"_ or _"yes"_ to everything just like that movie, _"Yes Man"_ with Jim Carey.

Everyone thought I was nuts to accept this offer, but always being open to possibilities has never failed me yet. And it didn't fail me this time either. Obviously living in the Front Street house was not in the Universal cards for me; Mark could not clear out all of his tenants and said he would have to take back his offer. I thanked him graciously and told him _"No worries, whatever is meant to be is meant to be and obviously this is not to be."_

On April 1st Easter Sunday morning, Mark delivered a rose and a check for $1000 to pay my rent. I was very grateful for the loan and had no choice but to pay a visit to Scott with Para Sailing. My visit with Scott went well, for a whole hour and a half. Scott took the time to get to know me and decided he would keep me in mind; ending the interview with, "Call me the first of May".

### Easter Sunday

2013

Once again the holiday was spent in a very untraditional way. Normally Easter is another big money holiday. In the past, I would buy each child a Sunday outfit, a summer outfit, along with an Easter basket full of sugar and silly toys along with a family gift of some sort like a ping pong table. This was the best Easter yet for me. I don't know if the kids would agree but I loved not having to rush around worrying about spending money on a holiday to honor a life size bunny that is to resemble Jesus somehow??? I never got how the bunny got involved with Passover.

I loved that I had to work so that I didn't even have to worry about _what_ we were going to do on this Easter Sunday morning. I loved it even more when the boss man asked if I could crew for the 1:00 whale watch. Hell ya! Best Easter EVER.

This is the peduncle of a mother humpback. The mama whale was telling us to back off of her and calf, so we sought out other whales to watch.

_Humpback Whale_ _\- the whale teaches us to hear our inner voices, to be in touch with our personal truths, thus knowing wisdom and feeling the heartbeat of the Universe. You will be shown how to go deep within yourself to stir your inner creativity and imagination. You will also be taught not to become too lost in your imagination but to live in the "real world" – every day waking reality._

### Personal Reference Letters for Steve

April 2013

Steve's attorney asked that we gather as many letters as we could get regarding Steve...disclosing Steve's potential by sharing Steve's personal past.

To Whom It May Concern,

I am Keri Stone, Steve Stone's wife since 1988. Unfortunately in 2012, I had to leave the situation because of Steve Stone's poor choices. I fled to Hawaii with my kids to be able to get out of the situation. Prior to 2011, Steve was a great provider to many households besides my own, being self-employed for 20+ years, providing many jobs for many Utah families. Steve has a good heart and was always the one to be the first to volunteer when someone was in need. Steve always helped out in church.

I believe with intense counseling to work on his inner wounds from being so neglected/abused, as a child is the only way for Steve's sobriety.

I was asked to write a letter... I honestly don't know what would be best for Steve... he has done healing sessions in the past, rehab programs, church... Steve always returns to numbing the pain, it's easier than facing his pain. Who knows what will help him take ownership of his unhappiness and choose to change.

I have three children with Steve... the eldest we lost to adoption and reunited with in 2006 which, in my opinion was the trigger that started the downhill spiral for the both of us... all the children and I wish Steve the best. Steve's recovery is everyone's wish. I don't know if jail is the answer but Steve does need a very supervised program, I feel.

Sincerely, Keri Stone

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE

This is Dallen Stone, Steve Stone's son. I wanted to share my perception of the situation, since I have known him for 16 years.

My dad is a sensitive soul and has been hurt since he was a little boy, which has hardened his exterior persona. He began drinking for his sorrows and then popping pills to numb his issues of past. His favorite grandfather abused him; his mother was a mother to seven other children, his father cheated on his mother, bringing my dad along for the ride and to the bar. His son, my older brother, was stolen from him; he was coerced into signing relinquishment papers. His other son, (my half brother) being taken as well... just to mention some of the hardships taunting him from the past, making it harder and harder to move on. So hard that it eventually led to heroin, which made him so numb, I didn't recognize my own father.

His past has stolen his power and he has sabotaged his happiness.

It's time to heal the deep issues left behind before we talk about him being sober... which we did for a month through doing just that; giving him love, having a ceremony, acknowledging his past. I saw the extremely strong warrior I had almost forgotten. I've seen this extraordinary genius do so much more, so I have no doubt he can overcome this addiction through unconditional love.

Change your thoughts change your life - Dr. Wayne Dyer. Can a psychiatrist get down to the root of the problems? We found mediums are the best choice, since he has a hard time talking about it.

I pray every day that he'll be free soon so that I can cure my dad. I've grown so much and have discovered Reiki and the wonders and miracles behind it. I thank you for clarifying my father's mind so that he can be in the physical world grounded in himself, sitting in his issues. From this point forward it could be either divine or fatal, depending on the choices made. He has so much love in him that I know will come out if he can let go of the cords. Reiki would be extremely helpful... with meditation, music, anything to connect with Source and Mother Earth. All he wants is love and since I'm in Maui healing gracefully, I ask you to give him love for me until he's able to be comfortable with himself, accepting himself so he can manifest his dreams.

I've seen him with a clear mind bettering society. Clearing his past through acceptance will manifest the man that every day I strive to be like. I saw the loving, intelligent, spiritual, enlightened, funny, and striving to be Christ like going to church. The hardest worker I've ever seen, diving into projects accomplishing faster than most. My father provided for my mom so that she didn't have to work. Providing through his million dollar companies, he would build on manias, manifesting the life of a king. Then not facing the past or healing his chakras and his soul, he would manifest bankruptcy; Repeating this cycle multiple times.

I believe it is finally his time to shift his mind. Acknowledge; what he has done, who he has become and how he manifested this through undealt emotions self sabotaging.

I honestly believe being in Maui, not in Utah depressed getting high, but being here in Maui the most healing place on earth is the best place to be. The sea air is so healing. The vibration is so high; people here are higher sensitive, more connected with Source.

I believe when my father meets with Mediums who connect with Source they can tell him everything in his highest good to heal and move on consciously, consistently, without going back to his old ways. I feel this would be the most healing. In a perfect world, we could change his lifestyle, starting with raw foods, expand his consciousness, find his passion, and connect to his higher self.

I'm currently learning the art of glass blowing. I'd teach him to keep his mind, body and spirit alive and growing constantly. My goal is to grow all my fruit and vegetables with Maui's powerful sun. Along with hikes, jumping off waterfalls, swimming in the ocean, working out, meditation, yoga, writing music, singing, dancing, talking and learning all the time all day, gathering around, giving love and good vibes.

People here have Ohana spirit; everyone is your family here. So I beg for a chance to change this all around now that I'm out of shock and over the anger and sadness. I'm so much wiser and I believe his 23 chromosomes in me are the only person along with my mother who can give this hurt child the understanding he needs. People recognize the love that is needed to conquer his demons and reach Nirvana, as it would bring me to have my father back.

Thank you for taking the time to get to know my father before deciding on his fate. Much Aloha from Maui.

Dallen Stone

4-10-13

Re: Steve Stone, Character Reference Letter

To whom it may concern:

I served as the Bishop (ecclesiastical leader of a neighborhood congregation) in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 2004-2011. During this time, Steve and Keri Stone and family lived in our neighborhood in Sandy, Utah. I got to know Steve well during the time that they lived in here. He is a good man and supported his family. While he lived in our community, Steve attended church regularly with us. While living in our area, Steve volunteered to serve in our scouting program and attended scout camp for a full week along with his son. I also got to spend a lot of time with him and his family at youth basketball games. Both of our son's for a time played on the same teams. In sports, he also was very encouraging in his support of his son as well as other young men. He often took time to visit with them personally about their development and was always available to offer encouragement.

Steve has been through some difficult times in his life but has always strived to work hard and support his family who needs him. Please call me if you would like to visit further about Steve Stone.

Sincerely, Chris Monson

### Joe moves in

April 2013

Joe moved in the beginning of April. Joe worked in slip 9. With me working in slip 8, Joe and I had got to know each other pretty well; seeing each other every day at work. I enjoyed our conversations. Joe had been living in (my boss) Mark's Front Street house along with other roommates. After a bike of Mark's came up missing, Joe was kicked out. I witnessed Joe scurrying to figure out what he was going to do. Joe was so miserable and sad during this time. After hearing about a couch falling through, I offered mine.

It has been interesting getting to know the people that enter my space via slip 9. First, Heather, my dear sistah friend that lives at Olawalu. I don't know if I ever told her this, but she reminded me so much of my dear twin cousin Jessica. Heather wasn't in slip 9 for very long. It's hard living off of what these booth positions pay, most days it costs you money to go to work. That tells you how much people love it at the harbor if they are workin it... me especially... to be workin it as long as I have been with the little bit of income it provides... let's just say, I have been very blessed to have the forewarning that I will be volunteering with the dolphins... if I hadn't, I would have easily focused on the lack of pay which just brings misery, but instead, I was able to focus on the free healing it provided, sitting in solace with the ocean at my back.

I have loved all the people I have had the opportunity to get to know. Each character has brought a little bit of home to me; fulfilling a family void from just leaving all of mine.

Joe was the next character to move into slip 9 after Heather left. Joe is from Orem Utah... just down the street from where Kai's wife's family grew up. Joe works for the slip that runs the fishing boat "Kai Akua"... _Im always connecting dots..._

I have loved getting to know Joe. He is an adoptee raised in the LDS religion, a Native American taken in, _(along with his older brother),_ into a typical all white large LDS family. Joe is a returned missionary, college graduate, who was married in the temple and has had two children, a son and then a daughter. After eight years of living the program, going to church every weekend; this family did not remain, _"Together Forever"..._ Joe had informed me that he was a recovering addict but not to worry, he would " _never touch the stuff again, detox is a horrible one"._ He and his wife had divorced. His wife remarried and it has been eight years since he has seen his children... Basically, Joe was someone that I could understand and he was someone that could understand me.

It was nice to have Joe in the space. His area was in the TV room, open to everyone to enter. Joe blended real well and felt right at home. We enjoyed his humor, his wisdom, and his stories. I felt safe with Joe in the space. I felt we could trust him in the space with the kids. We welcomed Joe into our family 100%. He was very helpful on multiple occasions. I took Joe in without expectations, just serving and loving another brother just as Christ would do. I felt it was the right thing to do. I believe it was meant to be. Everything is about lessons and fine tuning ourselves, clearing karma... but then... slip 9 got its laptop stolen... Joe was off on an errand and someone lifted the laptop as if to know when he was away from the booth.

Slip 9 had no choice but to tell Joe, _"Somehow return the computer, pay the $500 for a new one, or don't come back."_

Crazy thing... I was talking with a potential customer when I sensed the energy of theft... I looked over, saw that the booth had people there to watch over things and then turned back toward the person I was chatting with. Interesting enough, come to find out, it was at that exact moment that someone had reached over in front of everyone and just grabbed the laptop and walked off.

Definite note to self... _pay better attention and trust that feeling, next time I feel that._

Joe came home seeming genuinely remorseful for what had happen. He appeared down on life. I just tried to explain my understanding of things in my new way of thinking. Explaining my truth of our life is our creation. We are the ones attracting everything in this illusion we call our life. If he wants to change his life and start attracting a better life for himself, then he needs to look inward and do some inner healing.

Joe was very receptive to my " _hoodoo voodoo"_ lessons. Over the days, Joe seemed to be getting more cheery on life. Again, I must say, we enjoyed having him around... Must I also again mention, I collect children... I tend to mother adoptees even when they are my own age. I understand so much about why they do the things they do. Why they are a chameleon and boy are they such great actors, being who you want them to be, not wanting to displease anyone... Adoptees often times have strong tendencies to lie and help themselves to your belongings... I haven't held fear about Joe being a liar or a thief... But when things start missing at the house when good ole Joe is home, it creates SUSPICION.

I hate suspicion. I hate having to even think about the thoughts of accusations towards others. The only time I have thieved was before I was 18 and it was from the mall, never did I steal from anyone or any other place than those department stores during my adolescent years. I have a hard time understanding why someone would just help themselves to your possessions. But obviously I had some Karmic debt to repay from those early years.

I had no choice; I had to ask Joe to leave. I acknowledged his value and let him know he is loveable but he violated the trust and ended it with, _"I'm so sorry Joe, I hate that it has come to this, I still love you dearly Joe."_

And with that, Joe quietly packed up his belongings and exited without even a goodbye.

God bless Joe.

### Mamie Checks In

April 2013

Mamie is another child I have collected... you know, that side effect from losing your own.

I meet Mamie through my dear Justin. Mamie is Justin's "pretty friend" that lives in Utah. Justin had met Mamie a few years back while visiting us in Utah. Mamie has continued to come for visits to our home even when Justin was back in Texas.

Hey how r u?

Im hangin in there. How r u doin?

I'm tryna save to come out n visit u!

No hurries, I don't plan on living anywhere else.

Ha ha ha I don't blame u... I'm thinkin it's about time to get out of Utah... FOREVER!!! What happened to ur dog Zeus?

Actually, the Jac, Steve's ex from 1986, she finally got her man AND Dallen's dog... at first we were trying to get him to live with someone else when Steve got thrown into jail but gave up on that. As long as the dog is being taken care of was all that we really cared about. But now that Kirah wants to go live at grandmas and move back to Utah, she is saying that SHE should be able to have Zeus... which I really like the idea of that, but my life has been out of my hands for a long time. I have learned to just roll with the currents of life and 'I will go where you want me to go dear Lord' right...

I totally understand that... and that all makes sense! Just let it roll... that's what I've been doin there's a few things goin on rite now that at times I want to rush to a conclusion on how to fix it but then I just fall back and try to relax n try to remember to go by how I feel day by day instead of how I think I will feel tomorrow... if that makes sense.

Makes complete sense, good to hear that is how you are rolling. The more you can stay in the NOW and handle everything with your full consciousness and focus; you will be more present with your entire decision making on how you handle every situation. Remember to stand in your truth, speak your truth and let your voice be heard.

Now is a time of facing our fears. Face it head on to get it out of the space.

My fears: being alone and having to support myself... here I am, it has been scary, but I have finally reached a comfort level with living within my means and not worrying about tomorrow. Today, I have everything I need and yes, you are absolutely correct, you have got to just make your choices on how you feel, not what you think... that explains why I am basically volunteering for my boss, being the best employee he has ever had... he has been loaning me money to survive and who knows, maybe that is the best way so I can still get foodstamps, lol.

Lots of love, I love that you are finally facebooking me... it's the only way for me to communicate these days.

Yea I'm happy I actually have time to message u from fb and oh boy ms Keri... That is the truth; hit a storm the other day... N whenever I get side tracked on what happened n the past or I try to think or try to analyze what's going to happen in the future I've been tryin to bring myself to the Now n how I feel in that Now! It's hard sometimes... especially trying not to b hurt from past experiences...

Meditation dear sistah... dedicate 20 minutes to meditate. That's all it takes to help clear that old energy and raise our vibration... so exciting when you allow yourself to let go and let God.

Ur rite Ms. Keri, I don't know how many times u have to tell me that. Hopefully this is the last time.:)

So I assume by a comment u made earlier that u don't have any handsome friends! Or do u?... LOL oh my goodness I wish u were still here or in Tx since I seem to travel there quite a bit now... I miss our talks.

I miss our gab sessions as well... and you guessed it!!! I do not have any handsome friends that I am spending time with. I just barely have been opening up the idea to it. I am so damn picky, believe it or not. My criterion has only gotten worse since leaving Steve. My bar is so high, they have got to be pretty near Jesus status, looks and all. I am fine being alone. Being married to Steve was kind of like being alone... it was like being alone with benefits, haha.

I've been thinkin that I may never get married with all the stupid stories of people who are getting separated cuz they like someone else u just feel like marriage isn't even respected anymore makes me scared to get married.

I think you are wise to think never to marriage. I honestly think that so thing called marriage is a thing of the past, old ways. New Age ways... every moment is a choice to be in a relationship with anyone... I don't plan on ever marrying again. In my opinion, it is just a way to get society/the man, in your business and keep record of your whereabouts. But most importantly, the man in my life from here forward is going to be of choice every day, not a contract, or a promise of anything... promises are made to be broken... YOU WISE WISE WOMAN... good girl, lol

April 18th

What an eventful day... April 18th, it's my nephew's birthday AND Kirah is flying out of here. I have the day off but head to the harbor anyways... Nicky is giving me a beach cruiser _(bike)_. I take the dog and walk with Joe down to the harbor. I get to the booth at 5 minutes to 10:00 to find my work in need of crew for the 10:00 whale watch. Hank watches the dog and I jump on with Captain Justine. Prior to leaving, Justine and I were chatting it up about my daughter leaving today. _"What plans do you have to see her off?"_ Justine asks.

"Well, she hates the sun and the beach and I don't have any money to take her out for a meal even... but maybe I'll just take her to the grocery store and have her pick out any meal for me to cook for her... I have foodstamps."

We go on our whale watch with Justine guiding me on how I can assist her for the trip, Justine being the great teacher she is suggests " _You can start now with mingling with the guests"_.

I'm great at mingling... we had a great group, a three generation family off the cruise ship... had a great whale watch, get back to the dock, before running off I ask Captain Justine, _"Is there anything more you need from me?"_

"Girl, you need to come count tips before you leave."

Folks, what a blessing that was! I thanked Justine, " _Thank you so much, I now have money to take my daughter out to eat before she leaves!"_ My daughter's flight had been postponed until take off at 1:00am... I deep clean my house, do laundry, get dolled up and the fam heads to Bubba Gumps... Elden was at work and had already eaten so I told him he has a rain check on me.

Had a great time at Bubba Gumps got home with like an hour to spare before we have to think of heading to the airport. I had the boys load up the car with Kirah's bags and we enjoyed our last moments at home. Kirah is so excited to get back home... she gets her bedroom back, her things back, most of her family back, her friends back and she is close to her daddy so she can visit him in jail.

I will miss the luxury of reaching out and hugging my daughter... but honestly, shortly after her arrival she did not want any hugs and kisses and she quickly settled into your typical teenager mode that wants to be left alone. Before Kirah arrived we were on the phone all day everyday like best friends. A lot of the time, she would call just to sit and listen in as if she were here.

I am looking forward to being her best bud again. It was perfect her being here when she was... but honestly, it's like my mother has said, _"Each and every one of your kids has needed to be an only child so they can get all the attention needed."_ And boy is she on the mark with that. Having her and Dallen under the same roof was tearing me apart. If it were possible for me to create another me, I would have loved the challenge but with only one of me, the challenge was too great.

It just happened to work out on the very next day of Kirah's take off, Pati and the kids moved back.

I don't feel like this is a backward move. During our separation, _(that truly needed to happen)_ , lessons were learned. I told my dear sister, _"Things happen for a reason, lessons have been learned, and it's time to get back on track."_

I can see the divinity of it all. Timing is perfect for Pati and the kids to be back. She needs help with those beautiful children and I need help with mine. Plus, I won't need to be worrying about the rent as much now that she is back to contribute.

### Kirah Goes Home/Pati is Moved Back In

April 18, 2013/April 19, 2013

Ya, all that within 24 hours. I feel like my life is on fast forward and I am glad. I think back to what **Pat** ( _the healer from Mapleton, Utah)_ had said _"You are late... the Universe has granted you more time...."_ It's been a journey; it's been a ride.

I'm so thankful for the knowledge I have. This road I've traveled has had some bumps and curves, but that is how I _KNOW_. I love that I have a large extended natural and adoptive family; I have a story for everything of how I know why.

I had facebooked my other gifted light worker mentor, _(_ _Kim_ _Page_ _)_ February 20, 2013... I was stressed about financial lack of, _(I have been a diligent hard worker, serving others for free, a good majority of my life and it was starting to get to me that no one is willing to pay me... My boss, Pati, the state food stamp office, the ex husband to be, family... NO ONE)_ When Kim first responded to my plea for confirmation of good fortune, I did not like the answer... She said, _"Remember, It's HOW we do what we do not WHAT that break us through."_

I have finally realized the true surrender to Kim's message. By pondering Kim's message, I analyzed more closely my slight feeling of desperation energy in my space, _(a message my gifted angel reader Homeopathic Doctor friend,_ _Crystal_ _told me to work on clearing back in 2010)._ I've always had a knowing my words would be read, my story would be told. But being in a bit of a rush to get to where I want to be, I have blocked some things that needed to happen.

It has dawned on me this very day, 5 days before my 43rd birthday, the idealism of how the Kirah story all played out. I tell everyone that Kirah is a fine tuner; she amplifies the situation and is quick to point out faults in mirroring huge projections of others LOUDLY. Kirah came into the space and rocked our world, shook her aunt Pati and Dallen up and left on her way just as sweetly as she had arrived.

This surrender I speak of ... Before, I still was steering my life making choices trying to push in the direction I wanted to be with my mind, trying to figure out what to do next to speed up this process of getting to the favorite part of the ride in "My Life"... I finally have washed away the feeling of rushing around through it trying to force it to happen. I have mastered accepting every possibility of the path with a positive gratefulness and a no worries attitude.

This last little episode of Kirah hating Hawaii has been very eye opening in many ways. First she had insisted that she go live at Jac's house. At first there was a little annoyance that I would ever have to hear her name again, let alone have my daughter desire to be parented by this woman that I feel has stalked me for **23** years. But I just breathed deep breaths and heard Kirah out. Kirah made sense, she was saying, _"Mom, what better person to take care of me? She is a stalker for real... she calls me round the clock checkin in to see what and where I am."_

And with that, I thought, you never know where the correct path truly is... maybe this path will end cycles that need to be ended... and who am I to know which ones are Kirah's to end?... And, realizing that a side effect from losing your child up for adoption is collecting children... and realizing that Jac is also a mother of loss as well... Kirah knows best where she is to be... if she is to be living with Jac, her dad's number one fan, than so it is.... whatever is meant to be, will be. And with that, I was grateful to the Universe and Jac for having her be there to clean up after my husband, take care of the dog, and help take care of my daughter. I told Kirah, _"You're right, Ok whatever will be will be."_

I loved the healing process of letting go of trying to dictate what will and what will not be. As soon as I surrendered and accepted it, Jac panicked telling my mother that she can't have Kirah... remember, Jac was with Steve that night when he broke into the family homes and he was driving her car. The judge has ordered Jac to stay away from Steve.

Shortly, thereafter, was when my mother volunteered to love and adore my daughter and give Kirah all the attention she needs. I was grateful for my mother's quick response to get Kirah back to Utah. My mother has been dealing with Kirah perfectly. She respects me as Kirah's mother and all in all I do have final say.

Shortly after Kirah arrived to Utah, there was a small family get together at my sister's house. After hearing about my two children ( _I have left behind in Utah),_ Kirah and Kai, having a family get together at my sister's house with my mother and father, I have realized how grateful I am that my sister is able to step in my place and play the role she is playing right now. A role I wish I could be playing at all times. A role I used to get defensive of ferociously... Only because of course, my motherhood was stripped away from me with that first one.

Seeing how my mother is taking care of my youngest child Kirah with the combination of hooking up with that oldest born child of mine, Kai... I couldn't help but to connect the dots of how it has come full circle; healing energy in my mother's space for sure. You figure I am currently a single mother in need, even though I am almost 43; I am a mother that needs a village to help me raise my child... _no different than when I was 16_... It made me really realize the full circle of becoming a single mother at 16 and my mother not being able to co parent with her daughter and now she is given a chance to do just that. I love seeing how that would of/should of/could of looked like with that first grandchild of hers. God bless my mother.

And God bless that father of mine... that bonus dad that adopted me when my daddy left. He is giving Kirah all the father energy love a girl could ever ask for. Kirah has been screaming for that energy since the day she was born, and my dad has always given it to her; kissing her on the nose with his loud kisses.

Going to grandmas has been the blessing to unfold. Kirah has needed father energy since she was born and grandpa can give it to her. Kirah is doing great! My mother has raised me and has mastered some skills to know just how to deal with Keri Jr whom has her father's flare. Knowing and loving Kirah's parents as well as my mother does, qualifies her as the most capable woman on this planet for my daughter, Kirah Dawn.

Which got me thinking... _Shame on that adoption agency for misinforming my mother, judging and telling my young mother that she married too old of a husband to qualify helping any mother in need such as her own daughter when I was 15 and growing with child_... I am realizing for the first time, my mother should be the angry one! I am glad that my mother is able to show me what helping me with my child looks like to the extent that should have been starting with baby ONE. It doesn't matter how young/old I am, IT TAKES A VILLIAGE TO RAISE A CHILD people. Quit with the judgment and thinking you all know what is best for a mother's child. The highest good of any child is the love and support of their mother. No one can replace your mother. It is what it is we are who we are. We came down in the situations that we did to heal and end cycles that have been going around in circles from the beginning of time, helping us evolve into better human beings understanding the cycles of life. To know up one must know down. And who are any of us to take away the journey/ride of any other and impose our beliefs/judgments on any other. I appreciate people sharing and bringing awareness... which was not what those social wreckers/workers were doing back in 1986.

I have finally arrived to a space of _"I don't care if anyone hears my story any more"_ One of my gifted teachers in the past has told me _,_ something to the effects of _, "The unspoken story gets more and more desirable"_ with the message being, _"Don't be too quick to tell and give it all away, save it for the book to tell"._ And you know what? I think I have finally arrived to what she was meaning...

Today at work, I had a few groups of travelers that had got on the asking questions wagon, of what brought me here, what is my story... and you know what, for the first time, I really didn't care to tell it. I would just politely answer, _"Life Happened"._ In fact one of those travelers was a solo traveler that I sensed was a person that most likely would have benefited from my story as most do. She lingered around right at my desk digging for a story, and for some reason, I did not give it... after pondering, what is up with me, why didn't I share??? I realized, you know what, if people want/need to hear it, dear Lord/Universe you are going to have to deliver a literary agent to me, because I am at a place in my life for once that if it is meant to be it will be. I am exhausted _shouting_ awareness for all to hear. I figure, I've traveled the road, I've gained the wisdom and that wretched part of my journey is over. I have found healing, and if I am to share how I have arrived to this healing place then it will be. But until then, I am writing this 4th book and accepting that I am fine being a Harbor Rat if that is all I am to be. Nothing wrong with it, I love my Harbor family; I just wanted more for myself, like a pillow top mattress in a nice home with no bugs and a nice view with my own acre of gardens. I also had a desire to be a grandmother to all of my children, but I am in acceptance to be a grandmother to all children even if mine won't have me.

### Feeling my Harbor Days come to an End

April 2013

The days just keep getting better and better. Today was a great one. I have enjoyed visiting with many. I had my morning chat with Larry, my morning hello via phone with Hank, waved to Mike, sent love energy with George, shared stories with Michael, had a bit of a healing session with Mark, chatted it up with the harbor boys, adored Nicky, short hellos with Cheryl, watched over my girls; Povi, Lydia, Tiff & Deb, I even had time for great hellos with Fish, Haru and Auntie, along with getting more acquainted with loyal customers such as Rick and Nancy among many other beautiful people I get to visit with booking trips. I even had time to facebook a few Utah friends from the past... then to top off my fabulous day... Kai called...

We had a comfortable chit chat; we have learned to keep conversation mainly about the weather. Outcome of convo; he would like to plan a visit after his summer selling and come see me.

### Lizards thick in the space

April 2013

It seems everywhere I go there is lizards. I'm looking it up in the animal speak book. _Lizard_ _– Lizards are sensitive to vibrations in the ground. Their eyes are sharp with an ability to detect the slightest movement around them. They also have acute hearing. All of these characteristics give it a symbolism associated with the psychic and the intuitive. The ability to perceive subtle movement – physical and ethereal, waking or sleeping – is what lizard medicine teaches. Lizard is also associated with dreamtime. Dreams contain some of the subtlest perceptions of the mind of which we may not be conscious. They are translated to us through dreams to make us more conscious. These can be fears or foreshadowing's, but almost always they are the things to which we do not pay attention._

Individuals with a lizard totem should listen to their own intuition over anyone else's. One of the most significant characteristics of some lizards and their claim to fame is the ability of the tail to come off. A predator may grab for it, its paw landing upon the tail, only to be surprised as the tail breaks off and the lizard scampers to freedom. The lizard then begins the process of growing another in its place.

This detachment is also part of what lizard can teach. They can help us to become more detached in life to survive. Sometimes it is necessary to separate ourselves, or part of ourselves from others, to be able to do the things we desire to do. The lizard helps us to awaken that ability for objective detachment so that it can occur with the least amount of difficulty. Lizard can show up to help us break from the past. It may even indicate a need to explore new realms and follow your own impulses before you get swallowed up in what is not beneficial for you.

I see the great message for me during this time. Celebrating my 43 birthday is a realization that I had envisioned myself as retired loving my grandkids comfortably helping out. I envisioned me cruising with the family with their families being very involved with my grandkids traveling everywhere together. It was getting to me that I am far from my visions. Good thing I am seeing lizards!

### My 43rd Birthday

April 29, 2013

All in all, I had a great birthday. Had a great phone call with Aiden, one of my nephews in Utah that happened to call to get Kirah's new number. I then had a fun call with Kirah sharing about our day and our convo with Aiden... Dallen and I hung out on the kite beach all day, Pati treating us to the best lunch ever Whole Foods Deli on her, ( _I found a lemon tart pie_!). My birthday ended in a hike with the kids to a beautiful view of Lahaina and then we topped off the night eating my lemon birthday cake. So glad to have Pati and the kids along with Elden and Dallen here for the ride and share my birthday with me.

### End of Whale Season

May 2013

Whales are migrating home and along with that, the paychecks have become obsolete as well. I have had a great journey " _volunteering_ " for the dolphins and was thankful for the paychecks that the whales have brought. I don't know what tomorrow brings or which direction for sure... I should start researching it out. I have pursued other options, searching the web diligently looking for jobs that pay. It has been very discouraging to not be recognized as a value to anyone.

I have continued to chant... _"Abundance- the ability to do what you need to do when you need to do it."..._ along with faithfully honking the horn melodically through the Poly tunnel while singing the tune, _"Abundance rushes freely to me, Abundance is here."_

I have got to continue to see everything for what it is... if I had extra money, a dependable car, or even a great paying job, I would be off playing instead of writing. I also see the blessing in the car breaking down; not only creating the perfect workout for me, but also creating the perfect opportunity for my job to serve as a great obedience school for Stoney. Walking to the harbor from above the Cannery Mall, is the perfect walk for Stoney, rewarded with love filled greetings from visitors and harbor regulars.

I woke up this morning needing some kind of comfort that I am almost there. I am so done working as hard as I am without the comforts I had left behind. I came with only a suitcase of clothes and my old laptop... the only new items I have purchased: toaster, blender, Dallen's laptop, blow up mattresses and a pair of durable flip-flops. The reality that this is the hardest I have diligently worked for the lengthy duration of almost a year with little to show for is quite bleak; future does not look bright.

I have been able to turn my frown upside down with the help of my dear sister Pati, who believes in me and supports me in the writing of this book. She has been great to help me see working for Mark as the true blessing that it is. _"Think of your booth as your office space to write your book. What a perfect spot, next to the ocean and with this dead time, not many interruptions."_

I am very grateful to have Pati back in the space, she sees the value in me. This morning, I was so down on myself; rent is due, I have worked all month and will be lucky if I get $300.00 for the many hours I have put in. I was grateful for the paychecks that were coming with the whales but had to put it all towards the rent and food during the time Pati had moved out, so needless to say, I never got ahead in anyway, and I ended up being grateful for my clothesline being targeted...through that, not only did it motivate me to write, but it also blessed me with some new (old) clothes.

But you know what, as blessed as I am. It can get pretty discouraging when you are doing everything in your power to change the situation, serving and loving others over and beyond to not be _"rewarded"_ if you will, in some luxurious way such as a paycheck.

It is crazy how many people love my serving helpful qualities when they don't have to pay for them. It's a shame what curse money puts on things. It's a hard reality that money has had its power for so long that people cannot fathom serving and loving others when one sees a need. It can be disappointing on many levels for me when I don't feel others are following the Golden Rule _"treat others how you would want others to treat you"_ especially when I feel, I have followed that Golden Rule so well the majority of my life.

_The message from the_ _Humpback Whale_ _... During the winter, humpbacks fast and live off of their fat reserves; migrating thousands of miles in the name of posterity... breeding, birthing and weaning. The humpbacks are known for their song._

I can see this message as living within our means, (our reserves) during winter, afterall, my passion is in the name of posterity, bringing awareness for better generations... my song

Steve Writes

May 8, 2013

Dali boy,

How are you doing? How is life on Maui? I heard about your wallet coming up missing with $300 in it. That sucks, but what do you do. You need to keep your money hidden when you live with so many people. I love you so much and I miss you tons. I can't wait to see you. I am excited to come to Maui and hang out with you. How is the glass blowing coming? Are you getting good? What kind of things can you (have you) made? So you are babysitting for Pati? How is that going? How is Stoney Stone? It's funny that is his name because most of the people here in jail call me Stoney and the rest call me Stone. Funny huh?

So I saw Kirah Dawn a week ago Sunday that was nice. She looked amazing. She is getting so grown up and beautiful. I am getting really buff again. When I get out I shouldn't have much if any body fat and I will be in great shape. I will be ready to hit the gym hard and get buff like in Houston again.

I am excited to get out and start making some money and getting on with life. Today is Wednesday, May 8th. My cellie's name is Jayson Densley. I have been with him for 43 days. It sucks though because he is leaving on Saturday. I'm not looking forward to getting a new cellie. We work out together; we both like our cell hecka clean. We play a lot of cards and we both have times that we like quiet so we can read. Oh and we both like to go back to sleep after breakfast until lunch hehe I know lazy boy. I read about 400 pages a day of fictional novels then I am studying math and social studies and I have a bunch of computer books, my scriptures, some self-help stuff my mom sent me and my LDS addiction recovery book, so lots of reading, studying and contemplating changes to make in my past behavior, my head seems a lot calmer. I think it makes my handwriting neater.

I'm not too good at meditating but I am working on it and seem to be getting better. Are you taking care of your mother and being respectful even when you don't get your way? You need to be because your mother needs you now more than ever. She is an amazing mom and woman and deserves your respect. If you ever have any complaints think about what kind of mom you could have gotten and be grateful for how wonderful your mom is. Also, always live in the Now. You can't worry about the past or the future you can only be the best man you can be Now. Always be a good example to those around you and be proud to be a son of God.

So what is your plan with getting land in Maui? Do you have some picked out? How big is it if you do and how much money is it? Do you plan to start your own biz selling blown glass? Will you have a shop, sell from your home or sell on line or all of the above or a combination of them? Any idea or are you still in the planning stage?

So I have the pic of you with blue hair and in your fighting stance hanging by my bed in my cell. Also, one of Kirah black and white about age 4 and one of you and Kirah in aprons and Kirah is holding a big pan of pasta. Then a few others; it is nice to have them with me. You should send me some current ones. I can get four 4"x6" max size per letter.

So do you do any fishing out there in Hawaii? Have you found a group to play ball with? I'll bet there are a lot of them that play at the church. If you are interested you should check that out. That should be fun for you, plus get you some more buddies to hang out with.

So I had $14.00 left on my calling card to call you with, but I talked to mom once and that was $9.00 and she answered another time and that was $4.00 so I am just waiting on another calling card and I will call you. I love you tons and can't wait to see you.

Love dad

Keri, I'm out of money on my card, but I am working on getting more on the account then I will call on the weekend. That 2nd call you answered was still $4.00 even though we hung up quick so that answers that. I'll talk to you soon.

Love Steve

### Mother/Victory Day

May 12, 2012

Let me tell you about Mother's Day... I have always hated the day... too many expectations... too many disappointments... I think most mothers feel this way... well add a perspective... imagine the perspective _I_ had of what every Mother's Day was a reminder of what I am _not_ from 1987 on.

2010, I loved sharing emails with Ami while she was on her LDS mission in Russia. I learned a lot about the Russian culture, one of my favorites... _"Victory Day"_ ... I believe I even blogged about it, _(book 2)_ ... anyways, Victory Day landed on the same day as USA Mother's Day. To the Russians, that day was a day they conquered the Germans. Russia doesn't celebrate Mothers Day or Fathers Day, but they do honor women on "Woman Day" and men on "Men Day".

2010, being a horrible Mother's Day as always especially since the reunion with my son in 2006, it just angered me when Kai was on his mission and he was only allowed one phone call... _wow_ ... good thing Kai is not one to completely obey the rules. But I quickly adopted this Victory Day instead of Mothers Day notion. I had vowed to a friend that I will never celebrate that wretched holiday ever again. But I will acknowledge the Victory of what it has been for me to live through three children, yes count that as three... It has been especially hard living through the loss of that first one. I am a Mother of Loss.

Anyways, this "Mother/Victory Day" was, I think, my most favored one of all. It was treated as a regular day. I love how all my days run together as one. I love how Hawaii still runs business on Sunday. But I never would have guessed that I would be seeing my skin doctor on a Sunday, Mother's Day Sunday. I loved the idea of getting shit done on this retarded holiday. Better yet, his office is right on Kaanapali Beach with Patient Beach Parking.

Kirah was the first to text this day, wishing me a great Mother's Day. With her living in Utah, she is up at the crack of dawn our time even on Sundays. I had great convos with Kirah, we are back to being great phone pals.

Pati had to work so Dallen, the kids, the dog and I head to my doctor's appointment early. I get the fam situated and then head back to the office to let them know I am an hour early and tell them which car is my car, so they wouldn't tow it. As I was walking back to the fam, I past a familiar bald man, _Dr. Wayne Dyer_ ... OMHeck I feel like I know the man, I automatically turn and acknowledge his name as a question, " _Wayne_?"

I notice he is dripping from exiting the pool/showering but loved how genuine his eyes met mine to take his time to be in the NOW to allow for my introduction and willingness to take whatever time I would have wanted. Feeling for him, thinking he most likely would rather chit chat later, I keep it simple with, _"I recognize that face, I'm Keri Stone so very nice to meet you."_ I let him know that I live in the area and I most likely will see him around.

After asking my name again shifting his handshake to a more gentleman form for a lady, he released with a wave goodbye and bid me a good day _"Enjoy this Mothers Day_ ".

I didn't need more of that beautiful man's time. I feel honored that I personally meet the man and on all days... Mother's Day... Especially when you know how I dread this holiday because of who I am and if any of you are not aware... Dr. Wyne Dyer gets it because he grew up in an orphanage and the foster care system.

I then mosey back to the kids and watched the two pups ( _Stoney and little Krissy_ ) while Dallen took the older kids to sneak in the pools. After hanging at the beach for an hour with the family, I walked to my doctors and had my two moles cut off; one off of my left forehead and one off of my right back. _(The reason I give detail is because it has got to mean something, and I plan on looking it up after I write this)._

After my appointment, I rounded up the kids and we drove home. I called my mother and wished her a Happy Mother's Day along with my exciting news of who I just met. Of course my mother corrected me, saying. _"Wayne?... you mean Dr Wayne Dyer... not just Wayne"_ . My mother wasn't as excited as I thought she would be. I think she is more into Dr. Phil, and even mentioned her submission of my story for his show and never got a response.

I informed her, _"That's because my story is too big for Dr. Phil"_

She chuckled and did say she questioned if they thought she was making my story up because it is a crazy one.

Well after not getting the response I wanted about my excitement of meeting _Wayne_ , I updated my facebook status...

I had a great day, my daughter was the first to wish me a happy day, I hung out in Kaanapali with Dallen, the dog and the kids; went to my Dr apt...I know, on Mother's Day?! But that Drs apt is on the beach with parking, and as a reward I personally met Dr Wayne Dyer; he had just hopped out of the swimming pool and we were crossing paths... Dr. apt went well, cut some moles off, for Mothers Day... It has been a Mother's day that I will never forget because of the strange untraditional way I spent my day... I used to live for holidays, but now I just live.

Much better, I had cousins, my brother, sistahs, and friends that understood my excitement.

Bonus, Jeff and Darrin popped in to say hello and wished me a happy Mother's Day as well.

After posting this post I received a text from the oldest son sending his love and wishing me a good day. It had to be late in Florida, but I thanked him for the text and sent love back... I had carried on about my day as a normal day often forgetting that it was Mother's Day but when the thought would come in and my mind would drift to Kai; I would quickly shut it off, because it doesn't matter anyway. This horrible day is an obligation day, I would rather have the sweet calls when a person really wants to talk than a have to... and I am just as guilty at this have to obligation on Father's Day... I had two dads it was tricky.

But what does today mean? When I have strange days I can't help but to read into them. I'm going to look up moles... well, nothing on moles it had skin- protects our individuality, unresolved feelings of irritation, criticism... I looked up definition of mole, growths of skin, as the years pass, moles change... Growth- nursing old hurts... hmm... okay, well let's look up right and left... right male left female... Well the forehead mole was rough and bumpy and old and was on the left... Kirah ... and the one on my back was flat just changing color and on my right... Kai... reading into removing my moles, I could see a message of how my actions are removing the rough and bumpy old unresolved feelings of irritation and criticism, I'm done nursing the old hurts. Time for fine tuning and change.

With the reward of Dr. Wayne Dyer bidding me a good Mother's Day shortly before my mole removal appointment I think it is safe for me to say that I don't need to worry about either of those two, everything is going to be fine, I am removing all that energy of unresolved feelings out of my space and protecting my individuality.

Steve Writes

5-24-13

Dali boy, How are you doing you handsome devil? How is Maui? How is Stoney Stone? How goes glass blowing and babysitting Pati's rug rats? How is Elden doing?

I am just doing my time, working out, exercising my body, mind, and spirit. I'm still waiting on them to take me to CATS. I should be going there anytime. My cellie Jayson that I was roommates with for 47 days left a week ago last Saturday-- so 13 days ago. I got some long haired rocker dude for 3 days then I got a guard that likes me, to move one of my buddies, Noah Moore, in with me. That is a lot better. We work out together and we are a lot alike. He gets a lot of food every Friday on commissary and tries to feed me, which I don't like. I am trying to be all swollen and ripped up when I get out so I am trying to just eat enough to put on muscle and have energy to work out as hard as possible. I go out in the yard every day and get some sun too (at least an hour), so I am getting tan.

So how often are you watching Pati's kids? Are you being a good example to them? You are an amazing young man and I know you know what is ok to teach these precious children of God and what is not ok.

So I have seen Kirah twice now. She seems to be doing very well with Grandma and Grandpa Poulsen. She seems to like school up there and has been going to church and Young Womens. I think that will be very good for her. She will be going to the Stone reunion also and spending some time hanging out with Becky and her family. I am hoping that all of those experiences will soften her up and help her to be an amazing loving young woman. Hopefully, she doesn't get overwhelmed by grandma's rules. I think the rural area and the animals and such will do her good.

Are you working on your body, soul and spirituality daily? You are the generation of the future Dallen and we need you to be physically, emotionally and spiritually strong so that we have an army of amazing warriors that can help turn the tide of today's society and Mother Earth can be treated better and start to heal. You are an amazing spirit and I love you so much and miss you every day. I am proud of the young man that you have become and I want you to enjoy your youth. Don't stress about the little things and don't let insignificant matters create anger in your heart, or to become an obstacle that creates strife between you and your friends and or loved ones. Life is too short to hold on to grudges or have anger in your heart. Fill your heart with love and compassion and be the one that everyone loves and admires. Live every day like it is your last and treat every good bye like it will be a long one. Watch out for your mother and remember how much she does for you and how much you love her.

I love you so much and I miss you every minute,

Your Dad

5-31-13

Big Dog, Hey dad, I love hearing how great you are doing. I'm doing better than ever, got my torch, and harvested the big AK-47 and Great White Shark. I've been watching Spirit Science, it's so enlightening. I love hearing your mind, body and spirit strengthening... the balance of the trinity is important.

Society is finally thinking with their right brain (intuition) again and recognizing the spirit aspect. They can actually measure the electric magnetic frequency (vibration) of any living thing including plants. I've been learning about sacred geometry, quantum physics and a lot that go along with things we learned before like chakras. Elden and I are delving deeper into how this Universe works.

Mom is doing amazing, she is looking for a job, but until then we watch the kids. The kids are great, they're getting huge! Serenity & Bubba went snorkeling with us, but damn, those Tongans hella chow!!! haha.

That's cool you could pick your cell mate. I'm excited to see how ripped you are, I've been really missing lifting with you and Kai. Elden doesn't work out with me.

Yea, those kids are going to be the coolest kids, they already are so intelligent and skilled. I took Bub to go bombing hills with me on his knees. He charges the hills as fast as me!! Then he slams his shoes on the ground for breaks.

Kirah is going to get the big picture finally I think, but it might have to be a slap to the face if she can't see the less obvious signs. She just needs to find her passion, fine tune her frequency and manifest her destiny. It can be hard to believe we control our fate, because sometimes were not clear on what we want or if your frequency matches something like a car wreck then so it is. The more you take back your vibration and intuition the more the choice in your highest good rings true.

I'm so grateful your left and right brain are so balanced. This new generation of children indigo, crystal, and rainbow that have been coming since the 80's have been coming more and more. I'm so grateful to come from two indigo parents because if I would've had two left brain linear thinking (intellectual) parents like Kai did, I don't think my frequency could have handled this dense world.

The balance of the minds is spreading with the polar shift happening, Sirius the brightest star (aka the Big Dog Star) is orbiting closer and closer. The life on Sirius has the highest frequency and electric magnetic frequency and electric magnetic frequencies affect others around us. So they are raising our vibration. It has happened many times in history. Bronze to Iron; to Silver; to Golden Age. It used to not happen so frequently but time is speeding up and we're learning lessons faster so now it's every 13,000 years. Dogon, Egyptians, Mayans, (Lumerians and Nacaals) in Atlantis Sumerians, Buddhist Monks (Native Americans) all knew about the consciousness levels. This is the peak of peaks, it's going to be like nothing we've seen before; Mother Earth is going to be in a beautiful state of harmonic unity, One Love.

I love you so much dad, your soul is full of so much love and you, not like a lot of people, see the big picture. I'm so grateful for your touch of genius and the amazing environment you gave me as a kid manifesting what I was to become. Environments really affect what you subconsciously manifest within you.

I love you so much; soon we'll be on our land together here in Maui.

Your son, Dali boy

P.S. Maui looks like a swimming man, we arrived on his heart chakra in Wailuku and now we're on his third eye in Lahaina.

1st chakra - root chakra – ovaries

2nd chakra – sacral – adrenal glands

3rd chakra – solar plexus – pancreas

4th chakra – heart – thymus

5th chakra – throat – thyrod gland

6th chakra - 3rd eye – pituitary gland

7th chakra – crown – (my personal favorite), pineal gland.

Speaking of chakras let us talk about: the ages that they are developing; the Demons that come out when there has been trauma during those years and develops an energy leak; and the outcome when healed:

  * 1st chakra 0-5 years ~ Pride/A Sense of Belonging

  * 2nd chakra 5-10 years ~ Lust/Control over Emotions

  * 3rd chakra 10-15 years ~ Envy/Self Confidence

  * 4th chakra 15-20 years ~ Anger/Unconditional Love

  * 5th chakra 25-30 years ~ Coveting /Ability to live within your means

  * 6th chakra 30-35 years ~ Gluttony/Serve Others

  * 7th chakra 35-40 years ~ Slothfulness/Heal Others

5- 24-13

Keri, How are you? I hope you are making do. I'm doing everything I can do to get out of here ASAP so I can assist you and Dallen. I know it is hard on your own and I am sorry for that. I am glad that you have Pati and Elden to help you until I can. I hope that you are enjoying Hawaii and that it is not all stress and worrying about money.

You are an amazing woman and I will always love and respect you. I hope you can find peace with the whole Kai thing and I'm sorry that I wasn't a bigger support to you with that and a lot of other matters. I'm sorry that I failed you as a husband and a supporting parent to our amazing children. Thank you for always taking amazing care of me, for defending me and worrying about my physical and mental well being. I have no complaints about you as a wife, a true friend, and as a mother to my children.

I will always look up to you and your amazing example of unconditional love and acceptance of all people. I hope that you have peace and closure with Randy and that you know how much he loved you. I will do all I can for the rest of my life to be a good friend to you, an amazing father and grandfather to our children and grandchildren and to walk in strength as a recovering addict and alcoholic. I work every day to become physically stronger, emotionally, mentally and spiritually free and unbound by mortal bonds. I look forward to coming to visit you guys in Lahaina.

Love always, your friend always,

Thanks for being you, Steve

5-31-13

Dearest Steve, It was so good to hear from you... I loved the art work on the envelope.

Yes, I am enjoying Maui, how could I not? It has been very challenging most of the time... life is challenging; it is why we signed up... it's quite the ride AND boy has it been a ride. I have, for the most part, enjoyed the majority of the ride. After all, it's all about ones attitude as to how enjoyable the ride will be. Speaking of... I hear you refused to unclog a toilet and you got visitations suspended. Honestly dear, do you know how many toilets I have unclogged in my day that was not mine... many of them yours. Must I also remind you of the cabin story??? When all the water was turned off and we were told to use the outhouse for this very reason and someone by the name of Y O U couldn't bear the thought of shitting in the outdoor shitter... that was a mess...

Anyway, how is jail, honestly? I imagine you actually are doing well there. I bet you offer a lot of mentorship with the younger hooligans. Everyone needs someone no matter who you are or what you have done...

Oh my heck, that reminds me, I was reading this magazine that made it to my hands and there was this article of how a 21 year old went gorillas on his mother and killed her... he was an "honor" "perfect" student. When he was in his last years of high school his father died in a rescue, being a firefighter and all. The family was a supposed strong knit family and very RELIGIOUS... ought to worry about what the neighbors think, aye... so anyways, this 20 something year old son was a nerdy lookin feller, he loved computers and I guess his voice never changed to a deeper tone and his mother always razzed him about his femininity trying to toughen him up or whatever it is one does? But anyways his grandmother, the mother's mother testified for the boy revealing how it was (with the church they were involved in, the grandma being a member as well)... & how the mother was with the boy. I guess the sentencing was decreased in half.

Everyone was horrified that the grandmother would "choose" the boys side in his fit of rage bludgeoning her own daughter. She was an amazing woman that stood by her grandson because she could understand his snap with his ridiculing mother about her grandson's feminine behavior... the grandmother's husband left her saying she left him spiritually so he is leaving her physically...

I share this because as crazy as the grandson's actions are, it really isn't WHO he is...

I watched a thing on Utube... Ask Teal... she was describing the hidden positive intention in "bad" actions. ... For example: when someone kills, they kill because they don't feel a sense of human connection and when they kill, for a brief moment they feel a sense of a human connection.

Another example she gave was when someone gets M.S. (like my mom has) the positive intention for creating this in her space is to receive help from her husband because she was feeling lonely and overwhelmed with her duties at home... doesn't that sound like my mother? All the examples were amazing and make complete total sense I will copy my notes and give you some to read.

Anyhow, religion can be bothersome... speaking of bothersome... that biggest fan of yours/girlfriend/friend/secretary... whatever you are calling her these days... Jackie, well darling, I can no longer deal with that woman. I tried to be nice, I tried to be sensitive, I tried to be understanding... I cannot do it. I will not interact with that woman any longer... at first I was looking at it as me maybe being able to bring her some kind of healing being a Mother of Loss as well, but she needs another person to offer her that, it's a conflict of interest for me... isn't that what they call it, if you know the person with attorneys or something???

Anyways dear, is what I am saying, I will deal with you direct or through my sister, or my mother, or even through your mother... preferably over dealing with the Jac. God bless her but I have got to remove myself from people that don't serve me in my highest good and she is far from fitting the bill for that. Thanks for all the love and acknowledgments, I love that we have divided as good friends and united parents. Keep up all the good work. We love hearing how well you are and can't wait to SEE you with our own eyes. We love how amazing you look and must feel.

Let me know as soon as you do what your sentence for sure will be. Let me know on taxes. Kdawn was telling me I could apply and get free money for being a Mother in Need with no income. If you for real sent in some kind of tax anything, please let me know. Having a grant from the government for being a mom would be great but I don't know what you have already FOR REAL filed. Talk to you soon. Lots of love, thanks for the lessons, Keri

### My Perspective These Days

May 27, 2013

I have come a long way, _as we all do_ , gaining a current perspective on the reason for life and why we choose to sign up for this experience.

I am grateful for all my traveled paths; it has brought me the knowing of what I know to back up my current beliefs. Being raised Mormon was a great foundation for me as well as being born from a hippie's DNA, and having those influences in the mix. The downs in life have definitely shown me what I don't want so that I can envision and pursue what I do want.

Because basically that _IS_ exactly why we are here... sure the lessons to _KNOW_ why, when, what, how, where and all that but on the path to knowing, we are developing our individuality. Our individual likes and dislikes that create our own uniqueness separate from Source/God/All... and that right there is the beauty of it. We are not to be like everyone else following suit. This ride of life is to find oneself. Some need to touch the fire to find what they really really like and some of us don't. Life is all choice.

So now that I have come to the perspective of life is all about choice and finding oneself, knowing the individual uniqueness of oneself that is called a personality... I have to then ponder okay, now that I know what I don't want and I can focus on what I do want, it's as easy as clearing the energy out of the energy centers, (Chakras), and enjoying this thing we call Life.

So in the meantime, while I am waiting for my vibration to catch up and match with the vibration in my Vortex escrow energy field... _my Life Essence_ ... I am to stay in the NOW, making choices that bring me happiness.

Happiness raises your vibration. Sometimes it is hard to find happiness; it's hard to even feel like there is even a choice for happiness. This is where I would really ponder on life, pray, smoke a bowl, meditate and get to analyzing, _"What is it all for anyway and what am I supposed to be doing with myself, especially because no one wants to hire me for money to serve and contribute to society on this planet Earth with the program that is currently running."_

My pondering always leads me to one conclusion that I have not wanted to accept because it sounds too simple to be true... but as my son Dallen keeps reminding me, _"It's the journey to enjoy, not the destination."..._ It's true, Life is about the experience of it. If all that I do in a day is love and serve others, even if I don't make a dime doing it, I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing for my highest good. Being a single mom and trying to provide for my family, this simple concept is hard to trust in and roll with. I have lost all of my material objects, my family, at times my sanity, but at the end of the day, _"It's me that will always be here for me"_ so I better first and foremost take good care of me.

The best way to take care of me?... Look towards the children... Children are pros being in the NOW. Children are opening their Chakras all day long; they are playing, running, jumping, skipping, laughing, coloring, blowing bubbles, drawing... the list is endless. When I am serving and loving others, especially children, I am reminded _"Keep it simple"._

I don't even recall when the world started giving the dollar so much power. I am assuming it was just the cycle of things with the fall of the Golden Age cycling through the Galactic Belt to the Iron Age mentality; people working together as a community shifting to people working independently to get their own self ahead of others; worried about oneself doing more work than others; _"deserving more"_... causing the really rich and the really poor and a distraction of focus of why we are here... to enjoy the sensation of this physical realm where we all are individuals with the power of choice to be One Love instead of separate love. Together we are stronger, we all have our different strengths that make the whole of us stronger.

I have finally come to the conclusion; I don't need to be chasing the dollar to survive in this world with my independent thinking full of worry about my own self and my children. We are meant to live as the dolphins do in pods/families working together, providing food and provisions for all. Animals don't have jobs or money and they live peacefully in nature with abundance of food and shelter, _(well, until us humans disrespect Mother Earth in chasing that dollar for bigger and better and destroy nature which will slowly destroy us in the end)._

A perfect day for me???... Wake up when I want to, _(which when given choice, it's surprisingly quite early),_ take the dog on our morning walk; help Pati with the kids; read in my beautiful yard; work in my garden; harvest my garden; go on an adventure with Dallen _(even if that means grocery shopping),_ art time is always a must... but mostly, just hang with family; working and enjoying life together as one. I cannot wait for this consistent bliss of living from the heart and pursuing activities for the motive of pure joy is the prominent way of living.

I used to feel guilty or bad for eliminating the things that do not bring me joy... forcing myself on others... for example... I feel I was using a lot of energy forcing myself on my family; my husband, Kai and Kirah. My biggest dream was to always be united as one in my own little family unit, ( _after all, isn't that what is to bring us happiness and joy?_ )... and when that dream was not meshing out the way I had envisioned it to be, I now see how I clung on to it " _forcing myself, my will on others_ " bringing unhappiness for everyone.

I used to judge others for simply walking away from their family and obligations in the pursuit of their happiness... in fact, I was hating Steve's actions of walking away from our family and obligations in the pursuit of his happiness... But obviously, the things that brought me happiness and the things that brought Steve happiness were completely different things. Or maybe the things that I thought would bring me happiness were the things that were bringing me the unhappiness, _(obviously)_. ... All in perspectives right.?

My happiness meter has definitely improved upon leaving Utah. It now is obvious that I was not meant to be there any longer, there was a sense of no purpose left there for me. Everyone needs to feel they have a purpose and everyone needs to feel loved.

It was easier to surrender to life than I thought it would be. I was holding on pretty tight to what I knew, even though there was nothing to make anyone happy about it. I felt exhausted and broken like a freshly tamed wild mustang... I took calm big breaths and have let go and let God.

I quit chasing after relationships trying to fix them. I surrendered to anything that came my way, with trust that God and the Universe will work it out. I have surrendered to such a degree, I often feel deserted on a deserted island and am fine with having no one to talk to. I have finally found peace and happiness within myself to such a degree that I can totally understand the concept of before the Big Bang Theory when we were all One consciousness, without the individualism we have burst out to be. I love the individual I have become and I love that I no longer need any validation from any other individual to validate how much I am loved for you see, I love me and that is all that really matters.

_Praying Mantis_ _in the space...power of stillness._

Steve writes

6-2-13

Hello Dali bear, How are you? I love you so much and I miss you so bad it makes my heart hurt. I am so proud of what an amazing, sensitive, caring and gentle man you are becoming. I am excited to see you bloom into manhood and start your life as an adult. Always remember to love what you do for work and always be the most informed and the best at what you do. That way you will be valuable and in high demand.

Keep your mind clear and strong, work on your emotional state, if you have demons in your closet talk about them and get them out and keep your body clean and strong. Always consider everything you put into it or do with your body, mind and soul and make sure you will not have any long term regrets.

I am working out hard core and I am starting to see amazing results. When I first came in here I was wearing 4x top and bottom uniform. Now I am in 2x of both. But I will be going back to a 3x top cause my arms and shoulders are getting too gigantic. Ya that's right son, I used that word instead of saying big or large. I went clear up to gigantic. Haha.

So are you being loving and respectful to your momma. Please be sure that you do. Also remember that you are partially responsible for raising Pati's kids since you are spending so much time with them. So be responsible and choose carefully the things you choose to put into their minds. Don't teach them at a young age that weed is the path for them. Let them decide for themselves. Remember that society still considers it illegal and there are health related side effects from any kind of smoke.

Are you being smart with your money? Have you gotten yourself the things that you need to do to do glass blowing? I hope you don't take my advice as lecturing because that is not my intent. I just want you to be the most amazing man that you can be.

I have my sentencing on the 16th which is 2 weeks from today. I hope I get out that day and go down to the rehab center in Payson, if the judge signs off on it then I will go that day. My attorney says there is a good chance that he will. If not then I would have to do CATS in here. Which isn't my first choice but it would be ok. "This too shall pass".

Today I have been in here 202 days. If I had to do another 120 or so I would be fine, but that is not what I am praying for or putting my positive intentions towards. I am excited to get out of here and get back to life and work, I have some great business ideas and I am excited to get going on them. Also, to get land and build a house. I figure I can have a house here that I build myself and help you build a house on your land there. That way I can go back and forth for work until I get the new companies to the point that I can spend most of my time over there.

I watched the movie "50 First Dates" about a month ago. It was hard for me. Between the 80's music on the sound track and them being in Hawaii, I ended up teary eyed in my cell.

So I had my birthday 8 days ago... 45. Kind of sucked being in jail for that, but at least I am alive, healthy and clear headed so I won't complain. I'm thinking when I get out of here I will have to get me some 36 waist pants. My legs are thin and getting toned. My upper body is really strong and toned.

Still have a little skin on the bottom of my 8 pack, but the top half shows sitting or standing so I'm glad about that. Ab work has been brutal but it is paying off. I love you son, I am excited to see you.

Love Dad

Keri, how are you? It's been a while since I have been able to call and I miss your grounding voice. You have always been able to calm me when I am stressed or upset. It is Sunday today and I have been locked down since Tuesday at four because I gave some old man that has back pain some ibuprofen. He has no money to go to the dr. so he just has to suffer through the pain. It's sad. So ya, I have had to stay in my cell 24/7. Tuesday from 4:00 p.m. Wed, Thur, Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed. Thursday I can get back out again... I guess it's not 24/7 on Wed, Fri, Sun, cause I can go out into the concrete yard for an hour after lunch so I will be in gratitude for that time in the sun.

I will call on Thursday. I guess I am calling Pati's phone. Jacquie told me about the drama of the phone calls. I was pretty annoyed about the whole thing. I told her that the two calls where we talked were on the card that Becky got me so it was really none of her business. After being in here for so long you learn not to sweat the small things.

I got some colored pencils as you most likely gathered from the envelope that this letter came in.

How is Dallen doing? Is he being safe on his long board? I have been worrying about him. I wish he would wear a helmet. Has he been playing some ball? I told him about the church around the corner. I'm sure they have games going on over there and I'm sure he could meet some nice boys.

How is Elden?

Hey, do you have any recent pics of the kids? I can receive up to 4 4"x6" pics per letter if you do; maybe one of all of you if you have one.

So Kirah has been to see me a couple times. She seems to be doing well at your mom's house. She looks amazing. She was going to go hang with Becky last I heard. Becky has been cool. She emails me regularly and has sent me food and hygiene items and bought me a phone card and some books I wanted.

Judy has been emailing me also. They bought 18 acres north of Rexburg and have been building a home. It should be done before summer is over. It sounds like it will be a nice home. They are surrounded by horse pastures and stuff. They have a big pond on their property. They have a water trampoline and stocked the pond with fish; perfect set-up for their family.

When I get out of here I want to come to Hawaii for a couple weeks and spend some time with ya'all. I'm thinking worst case scenario I will be here until October 15th. I'm still waiting to go to CATS. I cannot believe how long it has taken me to get over there. I'm definitely starting to get antsy.

I have been reading a lot and have a lot of projects but my mind is so clear and sharp these days that I run out of books a lot. Then I have to beg and borrow until the next library date which is every two weeks. We can only get six books per order, but I have a few buddies that only order 2-3 books per time so they order me a few each week. I'm also working on getting a subscription for Sports Illustrated and Time. Those are the two that are weekly so that will give me plenty of up to date reading to do every week. I am also getting a BYU course catalog that lists all of the required classes for certain degrees. Then I am going to get the text books for the courses that you can rent at a place called campus book rentals.com and I will study the books and do the course work. That should keep my mind sharp and busy and give me an edge on making money when I get out of here. I am going to study the construction management and computer technology degrees work and information.

So I have some pictures in here that I have set up on my desk where I write and do work... I have five Jesus pics; I have the one of Kirah and I at a daddy daughter date; I have two temple pics; one with me and Dallen when he is like one; The one of Dallen with blue hair in a boxing stance; One with Dallen and Kirah in aprons with a thing of pasta; Kirah when she is like 3, a black and white one... her pony on top of her head, she is wearing a shirt with flowers and a tiger pattern across the middle; One of the Washington DC temple; one of Sid when she is like 1... in yellow holding a watering pail thing; and one of Kason, Branden's son.

If you talk to Kai or text, have him send me some pics of him and his family will ya? Tell him I can receive 4 4x6 per letter, but unlimited letters. Also, can you get his address? If you receive this before I call Dallen/Pati on Thursday they can have that info for me. Thank you darling.

It's funny cause I get lots of time to layout. When I'm not on lock down, and I am getting pretty dark. I will get out and everyone will be "I thought you were locked up for 8 months, but you look like you have been in Hawaii." I am going to say I have been there in spirit, just not body. Haha kind of funny I think.

How is book #4 coming? I am excited to read it.

I have been craving your potato salad, baked beans, potato hash and just your cooking in general. As well as a lot of other things, but I won't go there.

So I am getting a journal and I am going to write down all of my memories and stories from my life. I wrote down all of the states that I have been in and it is 33. A good chunk of them you have been to with me. I am excited to do a lot of traveling when I get out of here. I want to go to Ireland, London, Paris, all over Italy and Venice. I definitely want to spend more time in New York as well as upper New England and more time in Florida and Texas. I would totally live in a little beach town like Port O'Conner. I miss the ocean and the smells of small town beach life

So did you like my envelope? I know I am not an artist, but I thought a little color would make the letter super exciting when it came out of the box. I hope it did that for you guys. After all life is about joy and every little bit of joy can be amazing. I miss cold cereal, real meat and ice cream. Mt. Dew a little, but the longer I am in here the less I think about that.

I am getting healthier and healthier every week my body is lean and muscular and I will have a 6 pack within a few more weeks. They definitely don't give you enough food in here to maintain any excess fluff. By the time I get out I should be a lean little tank. It feels good after letting my health go so much for a few years. My heart and lungs feel amazing and my skin and coloring is clear and healthy and tan. Today is 110 days clean and sober with very little sugar, caffeine, no soda or carbonation.

I plan on doing construction consulting and estimating when I get out and I have been studying how to build and design websites in here, so I will do some of that also.

I am excited to get out and stay busy being daddy and grandpa. It's crazy that Ami and Brittany are both due in July huh... Ami a boy and Brittany a girl. I haven't heard yet how it is going for them down there in Miami, but I am glad they have each other down there to build their successes together and the girls and kids have each other for when the boys are at work. Your mom has written me a few times and is always positive and upbeat which is nice.

Well I am going to wrap this up so I can mail it in the morning. I hope all is well. I miss you guys tons.

Love always, Steve

7-1-13

How are you? How is paradise? Are you doing ok? I worry about you all the time and you are always on my mind and in my dreams. I am doing fine. I am using my time wisely. I just finished the Book of Mormon and have started reading it again. I am also now reading it again. I am also now reading the Doctrine and Covenant and Spencer W. Kimball's book "The Miracle of Forgiveness". It is amazing. I am also reading a twelve book series called "The Left Behind" series which is a novel but it incorporates the scriptural revelations from the New Testament. I am currently on book 10. I am going to start the "Work and the Glory" series again and get the "Porter Rockwell series as well.

One of my friends is also reading a Sylvia Brown book and he is going to give it to me when he is done. I am just finishing up the last computer book that Becky sent me. I am going to get the BYU course book that lists all of the classes for their construction management and law degrees with a list of the corresponding text books and I am going to start bringing those in and studying all of that info.

I just finished writing Kai a 22 page letter. It was pretty deep stuff. I felt better after I shared some deep thoughts with him.

So did you know that when you recite the Lord's Prayer it brings your chakras into health and balance? It goes like this...

"Our Father which art in Heaven"... correlates with 3rd eye, chakra (6th) "Hallowed be thy name" ... crown chakra (7th) "Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven"... throat chakra (5th) "Give us this day our daily bread" ... root chakra (1st) "And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors" ... solar plexus chakra (3rd) "And lead us not into temptation" ... sacral chakra (2nd) "But deliver us from evil" ... heart chakra (4th) "For thine is the kingdom" ... throat chakra (5th) "And the power" ... crown chakra (7th) "And the glory forever" ... 3rd eye chakra (6th)

So it works amazingly. I have it on two papers. One like I just wrote with the chakra name and color after it. I read that first and after each line I focus on that chakra until I feel it balanced and I can see the correct color. If I can't get the color I reread the line and concentrate until I see it. Then I move on. Once they are balanced, all of them, I get my paper which just have the lines on without the chakra information then I read through it twice more slowly and methodically to make sure everything is in balance and is humming smoothly. I do this once or twice a day. Then I go through my copies of Doreen Virtue Angel Michael cards and I say each of those prayers. I do this, say my morning prayers and read 30-90 minutes of scriptures before I allow myself to go onto other worldly activities or books. This really has me feeling of the spirit and in his embrace always. It also helps me feel in balance also.

Thank you for all you have taught me and for the groundwork that you have laid for me to be ready for this time in my life. I love you and always will and you will always be one of my bestest friends. You are an amazing and powerful woman and I look up to you. I draw strength from your strength and you have taught me so much about unconditional love, mercy, charity and forgiveness, so again thank you.

I am super tan. I layout for at least 90 minutes a day surrounded by concrete which amplifies and reflects the sun. It will be funny when I get out and see people I know that know I have spent almost a year in jail and I will be dark. They will be what the heck. Haha.

So the Doreen Virtue cards that I have for Archangel Michael... this is an example of one of the prayers... this one is for detaching from a situation. The prayer goes like this..."Archangel Michael, I ask you to use your flaming sword to cut any attachment to fear or drama so that I may be centered in the knowingness that peace is everywhere within me and this situation." And I say that with this whole jail and legal issues in mind.

This next one I use with you and the kids in mind... "Dear God and Archangel Michael, thank you for watching over me and my loved ones. Keri, Dallen, Kirah, Sidnee, Kai, Branden, Ami, Brittany, Lily, Kason, new baby boy Jackson, new baby girl. Please help me feel secure and at peace; and fill me with faith so that I may focus on my priorities and enjoy a healthful happy life." I have like 15 of them. They are oracle cards...

Oh I like these next 3... "Please help me clearly hear, see, feel and know the divine guidance that I have asked and prayed for. Allow me to keep my ego out of the way so your wisdom can come streaming through me... for my own benefit and for those around me."

And "Help me perceive all of the love that surrounds me so that I can feel safe receiving, expressing and giving love."

And finally..."Dear God and angels, thank you for helping me see myself as you see me: through the eyes of love. Thank you for honoring and respecting me... please guide me to do the same for myself. And grant me the courage to speak up on my own behalf. I ask for your protection in all of my relationships so that I am surrounded by loving and kind people"

So I go through all 15 or so of these daily then I have a stack of pictures which include Dallen, Kirah, Sidnee, Ami, Kai, Branden, Brittany, Lily, Kason, as well as Jesus and some of my favorite temples. I look at these all in love and it really helps me stay in a great frame of mind. It helps me stay filled with love and peace.

Hey I called your phone 3 times today even though there is no money on it. I do that cause your voice calms me and helps ground me. I can hear you when you answer but I guess you can't hear me. So just talk when I do that so I can relax; If that is ok. I know I am not your problem or responsibility anymore cause I was a jackass but if you don't mind it would really help me this month while I am stressing about my court on July 22nd and my sentencing. I am going to fast on the 22nd for lunch after court with a prayer and lunch. So ya, when I call like that if you can say something that will calm me and allow me to smile! Thank you.

I am anxious to get to rehab so my days will be busy I won't have time to stress about what is going on out there, or worry about you and the kids. I know I always will but that's just me. So we have a job starting in a few weeks that Kelly is doing with me so money should be coming in by the end of August.

So hey Keri!!! I can build websites now. So when I get out I will build you one for your books. You can sell them from your site, get contact info, etc. you can post excerpts on there so people can read on line. We can add pictures, history, contact info. Add links to your favorite sites etc. I'm excited I think it will help you a lot with your mission. Design one if you have time, just sketch out some ideas and write down thoughts that you are thinking would make the best website and mail them to me and I will design it in here and have it all ready so when I get out of here I can build it quick and get you on line and available to the world. We can link twitter and a blog to your website. I have learned so much I can do anything on line on a website now.

I read 3 books and wrote notes on everything... I did beginner, then intermediate then advanced pages. A good way for you to get your word out is to be on all of these sites and set up your pages with a lot of detail about your mission and your work. Set up a facebook site that is under your mission or company name like maybe have a page with myspace and facebook under the name of "adopt the mother". Also set up pages with plus.google.com; twitter.com; ecademy.com; linkedin.com... these sites will get your message out to people all over the world. Then when we get your site up we will add links to all your pages so people can click and go right to your site. Then we can have a cash register where they pay on site and pay pal will dump the money right into your account. Then you will get an email that tells you who to and where to send a book, email a book, send a digital book to their ipad, kindle, other pad etc. I think it will be awesome. Some people would prefer to pay less and have a digital copy or email copy or direct link to your writings. Then you can also send the excerpts from your other books for them to read and get excited about so they can purchase those. Ok just some thoughts. I hope that wasn't redundant for you.

Oh hey, my laptop that you put all of the pics on crashed so please please keep a copy of all those super safe until I can get them on to my new laptop and I will put them onto my cloud storage which is online storage that I have with both my go daddy.com account and my Microsoft/office account. I will save those in two places. Then if anyone ever needs access, they can go online and then use my user name and password and download any of the pics or files that they want. It is super cool. It frees up our hard drives of all of that storage space and we will have them on both of our external hard drives and on two different cloud storage locations. I will also show you how to upload new photos and your books and other large files. That will free up disc space and speed up your computer. I can walk you through all of that in a letter if you want or I can do it when I get out of this jail house!!!

Sorry about the handwriting I am working out doing sets then sitting down on my bunk and writing in between sets.

So how is your new job? Are you liking it? Do you get 40 hours a week? So at $12 what is that a take home of $415 a week approx? Make sure you claim married and 4 or 5 so you get the maximum checks. If you want!!! Not trying to control you or boss you around just trying to help. Then you also get $1 per person? How many people do you average a week? Do you like the job? Kirah said your car is down. I will have to help you get a reliable car when I get out or when I start getting money from the upcoming job.

So Dallen doesn't think my letters are too preachy does he? I just want the best for him and I have a lot of father time to make up for with all of the kids!!! Ok my lady, I'm beat. I did chest and triceps today around noon, now I just did abs and lower back. I am also adding a fast paced work out in the mornings so that starts tomorrow at 6:30 so I better get some sleep... night. It is 5 to 7:00 p.m. where you are. I wonder what you are doing now. I will write more tomorrow, I hope you are fine with these long letters from me. I just pick up my pencil and all these things I want to say flow from my hand.

I'm really glad we can be friends and that you don't hate me. I was a horrible husband, person and father and I'm glad to be alive, healthy with a second chance to be a good person, an amazing friend, father, grandfather and to be a Christ like person that is humble, loving, compassionate, caring, and generous ... basically be a person like you.

I'm sorry I took your love for granted, I'm sorry that my thinking patterns are all messed up, I'm sorry I let programming from my childhood affect how I treated you and mostly I'm sorry that I killed your wifely love for me. That was an amazing gift that my Heavenly Father gave to me and I killed it and I'm sorry. I know you tried so hard to have an amazing family and to be an amazing wife and I was so caught up in my BS and my addictions. I'm sorry, I love you and I'm glad we are still friends and I can share with you and co-parent with you. When the full brunt of this lesson is over I want to be a support and an amazing friend to you because you are in my dreams every night and I am happy when I am sharing my thoughts and life with you.

So I think I told you but I am reading this book about Sylvia Brown called "Adventures of a Psychic" it is really good. She is amazing. I can't put it down. I am also reading a 12 book series called "The Left Behind" which is kind of like the "Work and the Glory" where there are fictional characters that are living through the end of times then they take the actual predictions or revelations from the Bible and interweave it into the story... There is a scary anti-Christ, the rapture, the mark of the beast. They are really good. I'm just finishing up book 10, two more left. I got a list from the library of all of the LDS fiction books and there is an LDS series called the "Seventh Seal Trilogy" so I am excited to read that and see how it compares to this other one. Oh I forgot to tell you. "The Left Behind" series are from the perspective and written by Christians, you know like Darrin and Lisa, so that's why I'm interested to see the difference.

So I work out three times a day now, cardio, weights (box full of books) then abs at night so I am sore all over every day except I take Sundays off to heal and recoup.

Will you pray for me on the 21st and the 22nd of July, my court will be at like 5 or 6 in the morning your time so when you wake up maybe you could pray pray pray. I am calm and faithful but sometimes I get in my head and get afraid. That's why I kept calling you the other day to try and hear your calming voice so I could calm down and Pati's phone kept ringing once and cutting out so I guess it was off. I hope that she didn't lose it or it's not shut off cause there is money for a call on there.

I guess there is a phone that I can get sent to Dallen where I can call him unlimited times a month for $29. I'm working on getting that to him. That will be nice so I can talk to you both. I hope you are ok with me calling you when I need to talk. When I get scared, anxious or upset (sad) I remember when I was dope sick after the peyote days and you had the CDs in the TV from that guy, crap, I can't think of his name he does all the positive books and CDs... what's his name again? ... But then you laid there by me and rubbed my forearm and I felt such love and peace. I can meditate about that feeling and it brings that feeling all over my body, so thank you for that. (Oh I can do that now and I can just lie on my bed and do nothing without stressing or feeling worthless it is nice).

Well it is like 11 pm on July 2 now so maybe I should try and sleep I am going to skip abs tonight cause I am super sore all over my body. I did a super intense ab and lower back work out last night that kicked my butt.

Oh Wayne Dyer, that's his name. Which of his books would be good for me to get in here to read???

How is Dallen doing? I need to get him that phone so I can talk to him daily I know he needs his dad right now and it kills me to not be able to talk to him. So are you tired of reading my chicken scratch yet? Is it boring and redundant? If so I'm sorry. I just like sharing with you.

So I never got the letter you sent or the pages from your new book. Not sure why.

I have some contractors sending me plans so I can start doing estimates and making money and Kelly and I have some jobs starting so I will have him send you money ASAP. It should be early August.

Thanks for listening,

Love you, Steven D.

### Jade Arrives

July 2013

Jade was here with us for a short time. It is always nice to have Jade in the space... it felt good to have our "army" come together again... definitely made me think of Zara coming for a visit soon... Jade brings great male energy to the space... That father of my children has some intense shoes to fill... It helps feel the void when the gathering of family fills in... because afterall, it takes a village... and I love the village that has been orchestrated for me to dance and rendezvous with.

Steve Writes

7-20-13

Hey Kerrr, How are you? I finally got the first pages of your book and yours and Dallen's letters last night. Your book sounds amazing. You are getting so good with your writing. I'm amazed at how well all of your sentences, paragraphs and pages are flowing with such symmetry these days. All I can think of is when your mom and Toni used to talk like they were so much smarter than you. I always knew it wasn't true and it used to upset me when they would treat you like that. I have a good idea for a book and I want to write it while I am locked up, but it doesn't flow for me like it seems to for you. I need to get it down and put the majority of my manuscript on paper while I have time on my hands.

So Toni came and saw me on Thursday. It was good to see her. She looked amazing. She looked so thin and beautiful. Her face looked like the Toni from when we first got married. I was glad to see that. She looked so good. We had a good visit, so Kirah is going to be moving back down there and going to Brighton so that should make her happy, I signed a guardian ship paper so Toni can handle her stuff so with the ORS stuff I wrote them a letter telling them that you have Dallen and are supporting him and our deal is that I am to take care of Kirah financially, so hopefully they reverse any costs to you and put it all on me.

So your taxes are basically done and on Turbo Tax. I have been trying to get Kelly to fix something on them and submit them. He was saying the login wasn't working so I had him get my laptop and verify the email address that I used for yours. He should have that done.

So I was bummed about you having to cut the pics out of the section of the book draft that you sent, their stupid rules are ridiculous. I was hoping you could send it broken up so each envelope had 4 pics in it thinking there was maybe 1 pic per page, but I didn't know there was like 4 per page, you would have had to send 1 page per envelope so the cut out thing worked.

My current cellie is a strange guy. He is in here for murder and kind of dirty, gross and annoying. At first I was like UGH as you can imagine. But I thought what would Keri do, so I chose to love and accept him as a child of God. That made it tolerable and I get along with him now and don't get too annoyed with him. So thanks for that example it really comes in handy here.

Today is Saturday and I have court Monday. I'm excited to get that over with and have everything locked in with an end date I can put on my calendar and countdown to.

I am on book 12, the final one, on that "Left Behind" series. It has been very good. I am also on book 1 of a 5 part series, fictional novel intertwined with historical facts about Julius Caesar. It is really good, it's funny, the name makes me think of my Stone grandparents. When I was little they had two dogs and their names were Caesar and Moses. Whenever we would go there they would be in that big window above the couch looking out and barking. My g-pa loved these dogs. He would take them on long walks morning and night. I loved going up there.

So books, I just finished a book based on a true life by Gerald Lund, author of "Work and the Glory" about an arms dealer that hires a LDS man. It was good. I am reading "The Lost Symbol" by Dan Brown. It is about symbology, freemasonry and Noetic science, which has to do with the law of attraction, ancient and sacred geometry etc. they talk about how human thoughts have mass and can be weighed and analyzed. It is very intriguing. I am reading Book of Mormon for the 2nd time; D&C for the first time. I didn't realize how much clarification of revelation heaven and the afterlife is clarified in the D&C. it is really informative. I am going to start the Bible next week. I think I will read the New Testament first then the old. Then I have a couple of novels, law type similar to Grisham and the 7th book of Harry Potter, which is the last two movies. Between all of those books, doing Suduku, crossword puzzles, etc. Sports Illustrated, (I got a subscription, that comes out weekly so that is nice), writing letters and emails, I stay pretty busy. Tomorrow I have church and I will get a book on church history and maybe a Bible study guide. Those seem to help understand some of the meanings and stuff. I only allow myself a couple hours of TV a week. I need to learn to use books, conversation and fun to center and relax instead of TV. That way I can minimize TV time on the outs. I laid out a couple hours today and got a little burnt and a lot dark. I am excited to get out then look at my friends and be dude why so pale? Ha they will be like a year in jail and you come out super tan. Hows that work? Only you Stone. Haha so that should be funny.

My work out routine is getting a little boring because I don't have a gym or weights (other than my 2'x18" box that I fill with papers and books). So I had Becky look up exercises you can do with body weight, so she sent me 3 big emails full so that was nice. I am going to mix it up starting with Tuesday's workout. I made a couple new friends in here and when I told them we had a 26 year old son they were like ya whatever. I was like what do you mean, they were like you can't be more than 35. I was like I am 44, they were shocked. They are in their mid to upper 20s and were like, one said, I hope I am that fit at your age and the other 2 were like we wish we were that fit now. I laughed and was like well now's the time, all you got is time so 30-60 minutes a day and you will be all yoked up in 60 days. A lot of the younger generation is lazy though. I have approx 15 days left then I will go back to minimum then I should go to CATS soon after that. I'm excited to get there, hit it hard, apply what I learn then get on with life. Have my free agency back!!!

Who told you that I lost visitation because I wouldn't unclog a toilet? That's not true. I got in trouble because I gave some poor old man with a bad back some of my ibuprofen. So today is Sunday August 4th. I had court last Monday and plead guilty to a 2nd. I have sentencing on September 16th. My attorney says it is a really good chance that the judge will let me out to go to a private rehab that I have lined up. If, by chance, he doesn't then he says I would most likely get 180 more days which with good time would be 120 then I would do CATS and be out on January 14th. So I'm praying for the 1st option, then if that doesn't come to fruition then the 2nd option I'm ready to be done in here and get on with my life already. Have Jade and Chance moved out to Maui yet? How is Elden doing? How is Dali boy doing? How are things with Pati? Is Dallen still watching her kids while she works? So I wrote that letter to ORS so that hopefully clears that up. Any damage when that storm came through the islands last week? Is everything back to normal now?

### Girlfriend In the 'Hood

August 2013

My dear long time friend flew in with her family for a visit! It was so good to have a girlfriend to chat at that has known me for the most of my life. We had a day of it ... we checked out the horses nearby and had an interesting interaction with a horse with some kind of allergy or maybe my fairies got to tickling his nose....

_Horse_ _~Travel, Power and Freedom... they are symbols that can express the magical side of humans. It has been a symbol of desires-especially sexual. The taming of a stallion would then be the taming of sexuality and dangerous emotions. ... are you feeling constricted? Do you need to move on or allow others to move on? Is it time to assert your freedom and your power in new areas? Are you doing your part to assist civilization within your own environment? Are others? Are you honoring what this civilization has given you? Horse brings with it new journeys it will teach you how to ride into new directions to awaken and discover your own freedom and power._

Steve Writes

8-4-13

Dali boy, How are you? How is life on the island? I saw on the news that a tropical storm hit the islands. Was that scary? Any damage to your place there or to your garden?

Have you been playing ball? Are you making any friends your age over there? Are you still watching Pati's kids while she works? When are Jade and Chance coming to Maui? I had my court last week then I get sentenced September 16th. I guess it's a good chance that I will get out that day and go to rehab if the judge signs off on my rehab. If he doesn't then I will have to do CATS and get out on January 14th. So I'm praying he will sign off on the private one. That will give me just 6 more weeks until I am free, I am still working out every day but Sunday and doing abs at least 5 days a week. I am super tan and super skinny. I am reading the Harry Potter series and the "Work and the Glory" series. They are both really good.

I should be going back to minimum (security) tomorrow so that will be nice. Then I will be out of my cell from 7am to 11am, 1:30pm to 4pm then 5:30pm to 8:30pm. Then tomorrow from 6:30am to 11am then 11:30am to 12:30pm then locked in until 2:30pm on Tuesday. So 26 hours locked down then it repeats itself. So back to all of that freedom will be nice. More time outside every day and it is easier to have a routine when on the same schedule. Well I'm going to mail this off so I love you tons. I miss you. I will see you soon. Love Dad

So you have another nephew and niece, Jackson Adam Blakesley born 7/22/13 and Tatum Dawn Sargent born 7/18 they were both 7lbs 14 oz and 20"

### Thoughts... Feelings

August 2013

I get to missing Kirah, Kai and what could be if I were still in Utah... but I don't stay on that disc for long. It's a bummer and in all reality I would never want to go back to living in Utah ever.

My life is on a fine momentum. I have the best job ever working for West Maui Parasail. I love all the interaction with all of the dear people from all over the world visiting Maui. I love my boss. I love everyone I work with. I love being able to still be at the harbor and be with all of my dear friends I call family. I love living in Maui. I love having Pati & the kids here. I love having my boyz here. I love having Dallen by my side. I love the many friends I have. I love all the men that flatter me with compliments and shower me with love... It is all these things that I focus on to keep my vibration soaring to keep me in my vortex so I may finally receive all of those wants and desires that I have been unconsciously resistant to in the past; I unconsciously had been holding on to vibrations that did not serve me, unconsciously believing I didn't deserve my wants and desires to manifest or held fear.

Things are falling beautifully into place. I know it is just a matter of time before all of my wants, desires and dreams come true.

Dallen & Steve Write

8-25-13

Dear Dad, I haven't got any calls and I just miss talking to you. Jade's been living with us, we all were talking about how much we miss and love you. We are planning our visit to SLC around when you get out. I want to stay with you til you figure out any fines and what not. Then we can bounce to paradise and be high off life together. Me and Jade were talking about how grateful we are for all of the amazing wisdom you've gifted to us. I'm so lucky I got an Indigo child with a high frequency as my dad, I love you. I just got my glassblowing set up put together; I've been blowing glass all night. Glassblowing is such my passion, Ray and Charley helped me out so much with getting into it. Life on the islands is amazing as usual. The first time Jade went boogie boarding is when the tropical storm rolled in. There was lightening going off everywhere me and Jade are so excited to see how ripped you are. We don't want to look too small next to you, so we have been doing yoga. I also got some dumbbells and have been hella pumping iron.

My lyrics are coming together so perfectly, I have a message that I've never heard any song come close to so far. I'm getting a free recording program on the computer, with a mic so I can start making my own bars with the keyboard and record my lyrics over it; with some samples of Bob Marley, John Lennon, Wayne Dyer, and all of the wise ones. I have a lot of amazing quotes in my songs from great people, like the Buddha and Albert Einstein and all of these enlightened people. It's your birthday when I'm writing this, happy birthday, I hope to get a call. Let me know if you need me to pay for it. I want to talk to you more. Our mind, body and spirits are stronger than ever, we'll be thriving at a peak together on the solar plexus of the Earth together soon. I love you and appreciate every minute you've put into getting us where we need to be. You did everything perfect and you have helped so many people grow. With your past and understanding you will continue to evolve others even when unaware of it. Love you, I'll be sending good vibes.

9-2-13

Dali boy, How goes it? How is Lahaina? What have you been up too? How is your mom? Have you been playing ball and or working out? Surfing, wake boarding, or body boarding? Any damage from the storm a month or so back? Have Jade and Chance moved out there yet? Do they live close by? Have you heard from Kai? When is he coming out? Have you seen pics of Jackson? Recent ones of Lily? It's crazy that Jackson and Tatum were born four days apart and were the exact same length and weight huh? Are you still learning to blow glass? How is your dog? How are Elden, the kids and Pati doing? How is mom's new job? What else is new? What are you hearing from Kirah Dawn?

I'm doing well: I'm basically just sleeping, eating, reading and working out. I'm almost done with the Harry Potter series, it has been good. I am on book 5 of the "Work and the Glory" series. I am also reading a Dan Brown book; he is the author of Davinci code. He is good. I also have two Michael Chrichton books; he is the author of Jurassic Park. I like him a lot also. So every 2 weeks we are only allowed to get 6 books from the library. This time my 6 books had 3868 pages... A lot of reading in 2 weeks. I also have the original Sherlock Holmes that I have left over from last times library. It has 635 pages, but I was 226 into it when this period's library came last Friday. Today is Monday. So I am still working out 6 days a week during the day... I do abs at night after lights out. I am getting too much stamina and strength though for cell workouts. My chest workouts now take over 2 hours... my elbows have been sore the last week or two from so many pushups. Love dad

Keri,

How are you? I'm doing well. I have my sentencing in 2 weeks so I am just trying to stay positive for that. Hopefully I get out that day and go down to a rehab in Payson called STEPS. Regardless of what happens, I will know the end game so I can settle in and finalize this chapter of my life and get on with LIFE. I want this to go out with the morning mail so I will finish here. Read Dali's letter it talks about what I have been doing and has a bunch of questions. I got some extra envelopes today so I will send this short one then write a longer one this week.

Love Steve

### I Got Arrested

September 2, 2013

Holy Shit! Talk about a duality polar opposite day!!! I don't celebrate Holidays anymore... I got my moles removed on Mother's Day and check out what happened on Labor Day, my day off... Let us start on yesterday's note shall we....

Yesterday, I happened to be reading a book that my dear sister brought my way when I was in desire of new reading material. The name "Healing Love through the Tao... Cultivating Female Sexual Energy"... I am a healer and I had been wondering about healing through sex... its great exercise, it opens Chakras... I have heard that one can Astral Travel upon Orgasm together with your partner. WOW!!! Who wouldn't want to reach that ecstasy? ...

Anyway, J, a friend at the harbor swung by to return a book he had taken out of the book donation box at our booth. Finishing a thick one in no time at all... I had recognized that intelligent being in J that shares qualities of that husband of mine... I like a man with a high IQ... J tossed the book on my booth suggesting maybe I have this as my next book to check out recommending, "Not bad, not great, interesting, but disappointing, I thought it would have more facts about the actual murders."... (I guess the book was a true story about some scandalous murder?)...

I decline the offer, "I'm good J, I have a book that has landed in my hands"... and with that, I whip out that book I am reading.

J immediately takes the book from me to check it out with a smile on his face. He was amused by his findings that speak of an egg and a woman's vagina. Right at this moment, I get customers that come up having J respectfully step out of the way, book in hand; stepping over to the booth on the left of me where Lisa happens to be hanging out... Folks, let me fill you in on Ms Lisa...Lisa is a great sistah friend of mine at the harbor. Lisa is the one that used to work my job for 9 years. While I was employed with Mark Robinson in slip #8, Lisa was Parasail girl slip #15... Lisa is brutally honest which I adore. Lisa can hang with the toughest truckers you can find; she is a bad ass... With that said, allow me to continue...

J steps over to "No Problem's" booth, speaking out loud of his findings where Lisa is sprawled out comfortably.

After finishing up with my customers, I hear Lisa, "J, I do not want to discuss my vagina with you, go back over to Keri's booth and talk about her vagina with her, it's her freakin book!"

Hearing this, finding myself very amused, I holler out to Lisa, "Lisa I love you, this is so entertaining for me. Is J making you uncomfortable?"

Right before hastily exiting the booth to remove herself from this situation, Lisa spurts, "I'm not uncomfortable. Why the Fuck would I want to discuss my vagina with J!"

J then moseys on over returning my book, informing me that I need to be purchasing me an egg for the future chapters.

Folks, this scene has played over and over in my head, leaving me with perma giggles all night long bringing an amazing ab workout and joyous release of tears, no joke, nonstop even drifting off to sleep with giggles. It has fueled me with high vibration and has most definitely been my happy thought, lol. Literally.

Anyways, along giggling to my repetitive thoughts, I was checking out Madonna's new Cd, MDNA. I have recently connected the powerful manifesting that her last album "Confessions on a Dance Floor" has brought into my life. I had played it over and over in 2006 adding thoughts of desires and wants into my vortex while dancing to this powerful Cd, not realizing that the amazing Madonna is taking me on an amazing journey that was to come.

Currently seeing the manifestation of "Confessions on a Dance Floor" in my life; listening to each song with the understanding of the journey; applying it to my life; helping me understand the cycle she is singing about AND in the order she sings it!!!

Hung Up... time goes by so slowly...I'm tired of waiting for you

Get Together...there's too much confusion it's all an illusion... do you believe in love at first sight (ending with a whispered, "if its bitter at the start, then its sweeter in the end")

Sorry...I've heard it all before I don't wanna hear... please don't say you're sorry

Future Lovers... I'm gonna tell you about love, let's forget your life, forget your problems... let me be your guide, put aside your pride, future lovers hide, love inside their eyes

I Love New York...I don't like cities, but I like New York. Other places make me feel like a dork, Los Angeles is for people who sleep... if you don't like my attitude, then you can F off. Just go to Texas, isn't that where they golf... if you can't stand the heat, then get off my street.

Let It Will Be...now let me tell you about success, about fame...don't it make you smile, let it will be, just let it be

Forbidden Love...Just one kiss on my lips was all it took to seal the future, just one look from your eyes was like a certain kind of torture. Once upon a time there was a boy there was a girl. Just one touch from your hands was all it took to make me falter. Forbidden love, are we supposed to be together...

Jump...there's only so much you can learn in one place. The more that I wait, the more time that I waste. I haven't got much time to waste. It's time to make my way. I'm not afraid of what I'll face, but I'm afraid to stay. I'm going down my road and I can make it alone. I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own... are you ready to jump, get ready to jump, don't ever look back, just take my hand get ready to jump.

How High...How high are the stakes. How much fortune can you make. Does this get any better. Should I carry on will it matter when I'm gone will any of this matter... it's funny, how everybody mentions my name but they're never really nice. I took it, just about everything, except my own advice.

Isaac... wrestle with your darkness, angels call your name, can you hear what they are saying, will you ever be the same... remember, remember never forget, all of your life has been a test, you will find the gate that's open, even though your spirit's broken,. Open up my heart, cause my lips to speak, bring the heavens and the stars down to earth for me.

Push...you push me to go the extra mile. When it's difficult to smile, you push me. A better version of myself, you push me only you and no one else...you see the other point of view... when I think I know it all you push me when I stumble and I fall...only you and only you and only you... to see the other point of view when there's nothing else to do when I think I know it all, only you and only you and only you

Like It or Not ...You can call me a sinner, you can call me a saint. Celebrate me for who I am dislike me for what I ain't. Put me on a pedestal or drag me down in the dirt. Sticks and stones will break my bones but your names will never hurt. I'll be the garden, you be the snake. All of my fruit is yours to take better the devil that you know, your love for me will grow because, this is who I am, you can like it or not, you can love me or leave me cus I'm never gonna stop...

WOW!!! Right? I am so living the last of the CD

I want to know what is next!

Girl Gone Wild... song number one for the next journey!

Upon first hearing it, I had to have it! This new song of Madonna's was one of my first new songs I downloaded at the time of my arrival on Maui.

Knowing that I am on my way to the next "Station". Having a strong desire to know the rest of the ride, I get familiar with the next song on the album, "Gang Bang"... It has great beats! I love her voice, I love everything about it. Not fully understanding the message of what is to come, or how this pertains to my journey, just rocking out to it; loving jiving to it a few times before going to bed.

Gang Bang... like a bitch out of order, like a bat out of hell like a fish out of water, I'm scared cant you tell... bang bang, ... I thought it was you and I loved you the most but I was just keeping my enemies close. I made a decision I would never look back... Bang bang, shot you dead bang bang, shot you dead... I thought it was you and I loved you the most but I was just keeping my enemies close. I made a decision; I would never look back ... bang bang shot you dead shot my lover in the head.

(Let me fill you in... besides really digging Madonna's deliverance of the beats with attitude, I connected hugely... for those of you that haven't heard... In the end, I had stabbed my husband three times with my favorite Cutco scissors and choked him out with a crow bar with cops arriving to haul my husband of 23 years off to jail, right before I moved to Maui)

I wake up this morning with a strong desire to go find a MADONNA MDNA CD ASAP!!! After waking and baking, I head over to the other side blaring "Confessions" rocking out with full understanding excited to obtain MDNA.

In my blissful state of elation, I miss my turn to Wal-mart. Oh wells, I will just go to the mall. Of course, they should have a Cd store in the mall.

On the way to the mall I remember that I needed to go to Green Lotus and pick up some business cards. I am drawing out maps on a daily basis. I get asked where I got my amazing pendant every day I work.

Upon entering the store, the lady is on the phone going on and on how business hasn't been great in the past but it has mysteriously been busy today as if business will be picking up.

I had originally planned on just running in getting the cards and then running out. With her preoccupation on the phone, I took that as a sign that there is something that I need to get. I slowly browse the store waiting for her to finish her call.

After browsing for 20 minutes, I set eyes on these small egg shape stones. Bringing me to laughter instantly; I have to check them out... There were five different little eggs; they each only cost $3. I instinctively pick up the egg on the end. As soon as I do, the lady gets off of the phone. I take that as my cue that I have the chosen one and proceed to the counter. I get the business cards and pay for the egg.

I ask her, "What stone is this made from?"

"Jasper... let me look at the meaning for you."

Jasper-The ancient Egyptians wore Jasper scarabs as amulets as the stone was believed to increase sexual energy. According to the Bible, Jasper was a direct gift from God and would be the first foundation stone of the New Jerusalem. Also, both Indians in Asia as well as Native Americans see Jasper as a magical rain stone and also a powerful healing stone.

Upon her reading it, I ask, "Do you have time for a really funny story?"

I shared with her the Lisa and J story splitting my gut with laughter while telling it. We had a great laugh and had fun with the amazing connection of it all.

I leave Green Lotus and head to the mall. Upon entering the mall, I hear entertainment going on center stage. I make my way over and see with delight that the keiki (children) are performing their Hawaiian dances. I LOVE this culture. They are dancing to live beautiful fun Hawaiian music.

I am a sucker for performances. Especially of children, I am a Mother. I am also an excellent audience member. I am one who appreciates talent, art, bravery, etc... all that it takes to perform and I am not shy in showing it. I'm standing near the front enjoying the show to the fullest... first the girls with props and singing... then the cutest little boys (3-6 yrs of age) in long board shorts, no shirt and a string of Kukui Nut Lei's. These little men were beyond a delight, how they owned the stage with their confidence, style and manhood with their Hawaiian dance with the greatest hip moves that brought claps and laughs galore. Following the boyz performance, were the beautiful young women that danced so gracefully to such a beautiful Hawaiian song with words I do not speak; bringing me to tears before the end. I excuse myself proudly showing my tears of gratitude for such a great moving performance.

I continue on to the information sign to try to find the media store that will have my CD and find... one does not exist... Wow, I am on an island... I will head to Wal-Mart.

Still touched by the performance shedding tears of joy and love for those girls that are my daughter's age, my daughter rings in on my phone... of course she would get the feeling to give me a call so divinely perfect at this time. I answer with full love in my heart for my daughter, answering with love affirmations telling Kirah how amazing I think she is and telling her how proud I am of her.

"Are you crying" Kirah asks annoyed.

"Yes, I am crying, but they are tears of joy and love for you." and I continued to tell her about the wonderful performance I just left.

Kirah, being uncomfortable with emotion says, "You're weird, I'm gonna go"

I again tell her I love her and hang up.

As soon as I hang up, I am to the light where you turn for Wal-Mart. Not thinking, I did a total Haole Mainland move... I impatiently move over to the lane that is not an added turn lane and see that a cop has parked himself in that spot just to catch people like me not thinking.

Oh shit, but o'wells, send him love, it's been a year since I have had to deal with those men in blue.

I hurry for the turn as smooth and quick as possible, hoping to slip by unnoticed and get to a parking spot so that he cannot pull me over...

I get to my parking spot... first one available upon entering the lot; you know right there where everyone is pulling in and pulling out... the intersection of entering Wal-Mart parking.

Seconds before I slam the gear shift in park, I hear the siren!

WTF ever, hang on for the ride and see where this takes me. I instinctively reach for the glove box... silly me; I have been pulled over many times or more and am so trained to get registration and insurance papers...

"GET YOUR HANDS ON THE STEERING WHEEL" I hear in a tone of panic stricken fear from the officer approaching from the passenger panel behind me.

Oh my, WOW, this guy is scared that little ole me is going to blow his brains out... "It's okay, you have no need to fear" I softly, kindly speak to him as if I am talking to my little ones; gently bringing one hand off the steering wheel in a motion of surrender, "it's okay, I'm not going to hurt you"... speaking similar things with my gentle soft gesture.... which just amped him up in more fear having him scream even louder and freaking out, GET YOUR HANDS ON THE STEERING WHEEL.

Oh my heck, this guy is tripping.

The very next thing he freaks out before even getting to my rolled down window, "I SMELL MARIJUANA, HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING DO YOU HAVE MARIJUANA IN THE CAR?"

Softly, innocently chuckling to myself, I gently reply, "No, I have just came from the mall and witnessed a beautiful performance which has brought me to a bit of a cry, I don't know why you would smell Marijuana, I have not altered my state while being in this car today."

This officer continued to get all razzed like a K9 about some scent that he is assuming is flowing heavily out of my car. Not once even telling me why he has pulled me over.

I'm starting to get a little nervous because of his actions treating me like a hard core criminal when all I wanted was my new Madonna CD, are you serious. Finally I tell him, "Dude you're tripping, and if you need to search the car to help you feel better, go right ahead, do what needs to be done so I can get on my way, I have nothing to hide from you"

Immediately back up is called, I am asked to get out of the car, ordered to sign papers stating that I am allowing them to search the car, search me and search all of my belongings. During all of this, the officers are asking questions left and right as if I am Nancy off of Weeds smuggling in pounds of weed from the border... finally the officer that was called for backup, asks, do you have kids that could have had the car and do they smoke?... well, folks, I am an honest person, and if you ask me a question, I don't care who you are, you get my honest answer... I state, "Well actually yes and let me tell you something, my son has Tourettes and we have tried those legally prescribed prescriptions and they don't help as much as Marijuana so yes my boys smoke weed and I pray you don't follow me home arresting me, them and pursue any kind of take my kids away!"...

The officer asks if I would like to sit in the shade.

Totally aware of their hot dark suits they are sporting, I quickly decline on the offer stating, "No thank you, I love the sun, I love the heat, I work in the Lahaina Harbor and I am very good in the sun." I loved my confidence, my power of my truth and loving my lack of fear for the men in blue. I am not easily intimidated and I am one that is used to being a spectacle and being on stage, so let's do this thing for all to see... and that is the attitude rocking in my brain... bang bang.

Upon reading the papers and realizing I have a minute amount of weed in my wallet for those occasions... I calmly get a little nervous but play it off and say, "You know what, I am sick of playing this game, I have decided, I just want my Cd and I don't think I want to allow you to search all of me and my shit, this is turning into such a headache and I am feeling violated for doing absolutely nothing, I've had a beautiful day, a bit of a cry and just wanted my freakin Madonna Cd, so if you could site me for whatever the fuck it is that you even pulled me over for and maybe write me up for not having those registration and insurance papers that I could not find for you out of the glove box, I will bring them to court because I know I will be able to find them at home."

I then was informed that if I do not consent to this search, I will be detained, car will be impounded, and I will be taken into custody...

"So is what I am hearing, is that there is no choice, really... either I can voluntarily allow you to violate my space, or I will be forced to and it will be more unpleasant in the end... hmmm... well this sounds like that adoption game that I played when I was 16 years old and 'voluntarily' signed my first born away to adoption"... Yes, I did say this out loud.

After hearing my point blank honest answer, the backup officer gets soft, still supporting his Haole left brained mother fucker co worker that has proceeded to give me papers to sign to "allow" the officers to violate my space. The backup officer, realizing that I may have some personal weed on me, whispers to me while the cop gets new papers for me to sign, (I had scribbled out the other one) "You are in Maui, Marijuana is no big deal"

Hearing his message, I buck up and hang on for this ride to see where it is going to take me.

I sign the papers.

The men in blue proceed to search my car thoroughly with me pacing comfortably watching them as a mother does with her children who are trying to find something that she knows isn't there, the only words not spoken, "cold, colder, colder"

I was extremely helpful, treating them like silly children that are trying their best to find fault. They ask, about the broken trunk that can only be accessed from the back seat. Which I gladly show them like the infamous Vannah White showing a letter, stating, "My car is pretty beat up, I'm just a single mother and my son has Tourettes, remember." not that my son broke the trunk but yes, capitalizing every where I could, being totally aware and present in the Now to win this game. They proceed to the windows trying to roll them up finding two busted out... "Remember, my son has Tourettes? Those windows are busted out". bang bang...singing in my head.

Time for my personal belongings to be searched; The officers open my purse and start their snooping with that Haole officer having new fear, "You don't have any needles in here that I will poke myself with?"

"No darling, you really need to work on all that fear you have in your space. But I will tell you what you will find"... bang bang... "in this wallet, I have medicine in that prescription bottle, so I guess you get what you wanted so now what" ... bang bang

Well, now they need a woman cop to come frisked me and grope me so that I feel more comfortable with it... whatever... bang bang... just hold on for this ride it will soon be over... bang bang.

Tita comes on the scene ready for groping... I lift my arms up and out sensually and spread my legs apart ready for wherever she wants to touch me; being ever so grateful for living in Maui for this past year to get me ok with myself and having the year to get accustomed with the Hawaii culture of love and aloha with hugs and kisses on the cheek and mouth... something that took me the full year to get used to; coming from a place where I was a Rapunzel in a castle not used to hugging even my cousin because of the insecurities my husband held. And seriously, no joke, those that know me know... yes I stated all that out loud to the three officers with love and humility but yet with an edge of Madonna sensuality... bang bang.

Tita didn't like it and got a little gruff with me. But those boys were speechless as she roughly guided me to the hood of the car to bend me over with my hands on the hood like all those sexy music videos I have seen many times... bang bang... smiling sexy at those men in blue keeping contact with their eyes that are hidden behind their lenses during the whole spread em and groping for all customers to witness at Wal-Mart was quite a site, a scene that I do get thrills on... bang bang.

They continue to hand cuff me and yes I am in shock but keeping my cool for them to see. They roughly grab my elbow and roughly haul me to the back seat of the cruiser, shoving me in my seat belt, ordering me to sit back... for those of you that know me, I am a very graceful, light footed fairylike loving caring person that is extremely obedient which I proceeded to inform them, in a soft loving motherly voice, "I am being cooperative, I will walk this way gladly, no need to be so rough... I am very obedient, even so much that I lost my first born to adoption... well, I guess I am not a hundred percent obedient after all, I guess I did have sex before marriage which wasn't so obedient, ya I guess I am a criminal.." killing them with kindness with my sarcastic realistic humor.

Driving over to the jail as a prisoner, I could not help but to think of that dear husband of mine and that night... bang bang... I had often wondered what it was like for him. I hated having to call the cops on him... I sat humbly and confidently holding good posture, holding eye contact (through officer K PYLAND's sunglasses) through the rear view mirror with a sensual loving smile directed toward him the entire time, only leaving the sunglasses to look directly at him personally; reading him, reading me, reading the situation fully aware and present in this NOW.

Officer K PYLAND starts texting while driving. I confidently kindly state, "I thought texting and driving were illegal."... bang bang...

"Not for us officers, it is part of our job and how we communicate."

"Oh, I see"

Proceeding on to the jail, Officer K PYLAND races up through the intersection hitting it 60 miles an hour... obviously very uncomfortable with his prisoner... "Wow, you officers get to break all of the rules"

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Speeding through an intersection... texting... wow, I never do that"

Officer K PYLAND decides to turn up the radio... even better... I love music and totally have a testimony that music speaks to the soul and those angels and Universe always sends the right tune... bang bang...

The song that is playing that I instantly start dancing to because that is how I am... a song I have surprisingly never heard before... a song that sounded like the Ting Tings, total punk flavor... lyrics... "You need to work on making a girl smile"... I bust out with a soft laugh and say, "this is good music for you to be listening to, I pray that you continue to listen to such uplifting music to help you on your journeys." while dancing and singing and jamming sensually to the tune... bang bang....

Shortly thereafter, we enter the bat cave so that the officer can unload this criminal without inflicting harm to the public. I get the same rough grabbing treatment. Again stating calmly and softly as a kind good mother does, "You have no need to fear me, I am cooperating, you don't have to be so rough, I won't hurt you and I am very obedient, it's ok, you're ok"

We get to Sarge and the local boyz. It was choice seeing the looks on those fellas faces seeing what purple haired drug addicted hard core menace to society criminal, Officer K PYLAND has brought in.

I get taken to a room for the paper work. Officer K is fumbling to get my cuffs off, in front of his Sarge. I stand still as glass confident with excellent posture and no fear, while he is starting to dig the cuffs in my bony little wrists. I gently state in that motherly soft voice that I have gotten so good at, "you are hurting me"... Officer K softens his grip and gets the first cuff off, swinging himself in front of me to his knees to proceed with unlocking the second; ironically taking the position of some engagement proposal... Gazing at him with love and kindness keeping my solid stance, he continues to fumble trying to unlock the key inflicting pain on me once again, and me once again kindly stating, "you are hurting me" while keeping my wrist outstretched to him standing still as glass.

Keep in mind Sarge and the boyz are all watching with hot interest.

Officer K continues handcuffing me to a chair as soon as freedom hits... a little taken back and shocked, I state, "Really, you guys are that fearful of me, this has been the craziest day of my life. Lots of love to you all. I cannot imagine living in such fear on a daily basis. So glad to be me and not you, I will gladly be in handcuffs today."

Next comes the questioning... well let me tell you about the questioning... God bless my dear sister Pati who has shared with me her experience when babies' daddy called the cops on her because she was trying to take her kids back from him because he was not returning them to her. My dear sister Pati was in lock down in the insane asylum because she did not keep her cool well enough and those questions that they ask to trick you into I don't know what but somehow "proving" you are mentally insane and need lock down.... I also have under my awareness, of many stories from the past of Mother's of Loss answering those same questions and getting locked up and getting shock treatment... COPS; looking for the insane, creating it, praying on weak innocence such as mothers vulnerability of loving her children like the lionesses that we are.

The questioning starts; first starting with the easy ones... with me answering as delightful and sweet as I always do with customers all day long.

"So your last name Stone?"

"Like a rock or however you would like to remember it" answering with a wink because after all, they did find a pinch of ganja on me.

"Where are you from?"

"SLC UTAH home of the Mormons"

"Oh yeah, you Mormon?"

"Hell ya, born and raised! Aren't we all, did you not hear, SLC UTAH? I am a good little girl, I was a Boy Scout leader, a Sunday school teacher, I am a very obedient girl remember... I gave my first born up for adoption, I am so obedient... oh but oh ya, I guess I'm not that obedient, I did have sex before marriage."

"How long you been on Maui?"

"One year. Maui has received me well, God bless Maui, I have made it."

"Where do you work?'

"West Maui Parasail"

"What do you do there?"

"I'm booth girl; I get them loaded, so they can get high, all day long, interesting enough."

"Oh ya, is that the one with the smiley face?"

"That it is, you know, the one that has the awesome shirts that say, "I got high on Maui'"

They were brought to silence with my ever so truthful innocent answers.

"What brought you here?"

"Well, remember, that baby I lost, well that baby found us in 2006 and it's not what they promise it's not anything you expect... husband had a harder time with it than I... husband started medicating with prescribed pills on top of his occasional drinking that escalated to Heroin... I had to flea with my children from the man I had been married to for 23 years."

Now for those trick questions:

Question one... "Have you ever been suicidal?"

"Well, hasn't everyone"

"Have you ever followed through with an attempt to kill yourself?"

"Hasn't everyone willed it with their thoughts on many occasions, wishing life would be over soon because life does suck on many occasions?"

Stumped but sweet local boy Rodney continues with the questioning "Has anyone in your family ever contemplated suicide?"

"Well, doesn't everyone have someone in their family that has contemplated suicide?"

Stumped with my every answer gazing deeper into my eyes with my every next question, Rodney continues... "Are you under a doctor's care?"

"No"

"Are you taking any meds?"

"Absolutely not, I don't believe in prescription drugs; pills kill."

"Have you been in counseling or professional mental help?"

"Of course, remember, I lost my first born up for adoption, Post Traumatic Syndrome... no brainer"

"Well, are you still under mental care?"

"No, I would like to think I have graduated."

"Graduated, how do you mean, graduated from where."

"Graduated from others being my healer, and me being my own healer, helping others heal themselves... how do you think I have been able to handle this whole day of violation, probing and groping so well. I am very grateful, I am clear and good with myself because I can only imagine the trauma this day could have inflicted on my soul if I had not been clear... have you not witnessed my calm, my cool, my being able to share with such solid truthfulness without any triggers of upset?"

After passing the exam, I inform them, "You may want to change your questions... I bet everyone that is asked those questions truthfully would answer the same, Universally including all you men in uniform... I don't know what you are digging for but you may want to get clearer on what you are looking for and ask better questions to find what you really want to know."

Time for pictures and fingerprints... Officer K let Rodney know that he didn't feel a need for Rodney to search and grope again because I have already had that done by that female officer.

Rodney takes my cuff off that has me attached to the chair and gently walks me through the rolling of the fingers and palms to get the prints scanned on the computer. I gratefully acknowledge his kindness while he is cradling my hands and state, "Thank you for being so kind and gentle, I would have much rather had you do the search and groping, that other lady was a bit rough creating fear in my space that she was going to go for a cavity search right there at Wal-Mart."

I was informed that I am going to need to have someone come and bail me out for $100 because I don't have cash on me. They ask if I know someone that can come get me. I ponder with much thought speaking out loud as I am known for doing, stating, "Well, my sister is at work, my son is watching the children and my boyz are at work... do I only get one phone call?"

Officer K answers "I'm sure Rodney will allow a few if you make it quick, you have 5 minutes to finalize details of who is coming. Is there anything more that you need?"

"May I have some water?"

He handed me a pixie cup and pointed to the sink.

I pulled a disappointed face and asked if I could just take a sip off of my water bottle please. And he proceeded to inform me that the plastic in the bottle is worse for me than the water from the pipes. Which I then proceeded to inform him that I will take my risks from the bottle because I am very protective of my pineal gland; confusing these men over the top by now, Sarge asks, "What?"

I continue to inform these men that I recognized their softer acceptance of right brain thinking but that Officer K PYLAND is very left brained and should stick to bottled water.

Well, that got Officer K wondering and he asked, "What do you mean left brain?"

"Lacking in spirituality, lacking in creative thinking, lacking in love energy not trusting your heart, being a robot to the man and logic not trusting intuition or the higher power/Source that we all have from within... God bless you, I wish you the best, I pray that this day has been divine for such a left brain to run into such a right brain... God bless you"

Feeling and recognizing Officer K's throat Chakra knotting up, he says, "I am finished with you."

"I am so glad you are, I have not enjoyed you much at all, good day."

I call my sister and God bless Pati, she drops everything and drives straight to me.

I get off the phone and Rodney asks, "So you have a sister here?"

"Yes but she is the husband's sister... When I was back home, I had financial abundance and was the stay at home mom that helped everyone nurture and raise their children... a side effect from losing my firstborn, I am quick to see a mother in need and help raise all children... Pati is the youngest of their family of 8 siblings with Steve being 2nd to the eldest... when I had to flea upon husband getting addicted to heroin, I told my dear sister, 'Once a sister, always a sister, you will always be welcome in my home no matter where I live, I will continue to be here for you and your children ever and always'... Well Pati contacted me two weeks after arriving asking if my offer was genuine because she has no money and has four mouths to feed... I answered her, yes dear sister, together we are stronger and my dear sister has joined me on this journey ever since... it makes for a great story... I have written four books about it. Because I get it, my father is an adoptee, I am an adoptee, I am a mother of loss, and I also am a bonus mother to many that I nurture and love without having to have any ownership papers, I get it... thank you Maui... it's called Hanai"

Rodney being very moved, sensing he is connecting in more ways than one but holding back with a bit of a wrinkled chin, clears his throat and asks, "So is this going to be in the book?"

With that I chuckle and say, "Indeed it is dear Rodney. I thought I was finished but I am now realizing, I have not written my final statements... and this definitely makes for a great final statement."

Sarge and the boyz continue with booking this delicate fairy princess, realizing I have such a beautiful pendant that I unfortunately will have to remove. Sarge takes a better look and asks looking into my eyes while holding my pendant in his hand, "What is this? It is beautiful, I'm sorry but we are going to have to cut it off your neck"

Holding his gaze, I reply, "Rose quarts for my heart Chakra, and Peridot, a stone that heals the healer..."

I loved the unanimous silent aha's and admiration Sarge and the boyz let slip out. They all were so cute; I stood with no fear and absolute vulnerability while these four men took turns gently working on how to remove my crystal pendant that is tied to my neck with Hemp string. They finally resorted to cutting it off with scissors... none of them could successfully undo the knot, and believe me, they all gave it a gentle try.

Sarge then asks, "Do you have under wire in your bra?'

At this point, I am inches away from all four men in blue, real comfortable with myself and them in my space as if they are my brothers, (which is what we all are to one another)... I look into Sarge's eyes, while I am reaching around my back to slip off my bra right there in front of them, "Are you serious? I am so glad for bottled water and my pineal gland is clear because rarely do I wear a bando over my bra... "

When Sarge and the boyz realize that I am stripping right then and there, Rodney and Sarge say, "No no not right here, are you sure you have the under wire?"

"But of course, I have no boobs and utilize all of the Victoria Secret tools"

After waving the wand around me and gently touching me here and there for a light search, I turn to face them once more, pleasantly comfortably informing Sarge and the boyz before entering my cage, "Ya know, this has been quite an interesting day, I have to say, this experience, especially right here and now has mirrored so many things to me... even currently right now what happens when one gets ordained to enter the temple, they touch you here and there having garments removed... thank you for the experience, I was never accepted into the LDS temple... which I do not mind a bit.... do I get a cage by myself or will I share with other inmates... which, never mind, you know what, it doesn't matter, I will go where you want me to go, I will enjoy the journey and welcome all that is meant to be in my space to hear what I offer to say."

And with that, Sarge says, "Put her in cell three, by herself."

I was given a blanket and I made the best of it. I folded the mattress and made a great sitting chair for meditating. After a good 20 minutes of chuckling to myself of WTF, I am a fucking Rockstar, bring it... I own my truth, I am who I am, and I am solid with who I am. With that, I affirmed within, never again, will I be ashamed of who I am and behave differently to accommodate others.

I easily, happily go into my meditation to be woken by Rodney repeating, "Ms. Stone.... Ms. Stone your sister is here."

Sarge and the boyz had changed their mind about me needing bail and informed me that I am free to go no charge but I must attend court for the violations.

What a trip, who knows what is to come of this, but I have a pretty good idea. After my sister and I get a bite to eat and she takes me to my car, I head straight to Paia, High Times, I need to replace my hide a toke that has been confiscated.

AND p.s. I ordered MADONNA MDNA via internet, it will be here on Wednesday!

Letters to and from Steve

9-22-13

Dali boy, So, not sure if you heard yet, but my sentencing did not go so well. I got sent to prison. I will be here for at least a year. It sucks, but I will use my time wisely. They have a 9 month drug and alcohol program here called conquest, so I signed up for that. I can also get a collage degree while I am here. I am thinking I will do computer aided drafting and graphics design that will keep me busy while I am here. They also have weight rooms here, basketball courts and grass in the yard. The food is also way better. So as much as this sucks I will be able to handle it.

Right now sucks cause we only get out one hour per day. I think this phase lasts like 6 weeks unless I get to conquest ASAP.

So are you guys coming to Salt Lake to visit or what? If so, when? I am super excited to see you. I miss you tons. Are you getting tall? I like being able to have a pen instead of that stupid pencil at jail. Those pencils were only like 2 ½" long.

So it is Wednesday the 25th now. Yesterday I went to the school and took some tests to see where I will be in school, even though I have my GED, I only need a few credits for my high school diploma, so they will have me take the classes I need to complete that. I will do that while I am doing my college classes. I should be getting a book soon that shows the different degrees available with the required classes and about them soon so then I can finalize my plan. Between that program and working a little bit, my time should go by quick.

I guess on commissary, we can get a TV in our cell, we can buy a walkman, head phones and batteries, t-shirts, wife beaters, shorts, sweats and basketball clothes. All kinds of things that way I don't have to wear these stupid prison clothes the whole time. Right now we are in bright orange jumpsuits, but I guess once we get to general population we will be in white two piece scrubs. So those aren't too bad, but I would rather kick it in a t-shirt and basketball shorts. So you can write me here at the Utah State Prison.

So I got your guys' letter last Tuesday the night before I came here. That's crazy about mom getting arrested. Flipping cops. So it sounds like it is working out ok having Jade there huh? How come Chance didn't come? Kirah says that Chance is doing really good. How is Elden doing? How is mom? I miss you guys terribly. How are Pati and the kids? Are you still watching the kids a lot while she is working? How is that working out? How is your garden doing? How is your glass blowing doing? Are you doing anything for school? Packets or anything? Make sure that you keep yourself in a position to do well. Society is tough these days. You have to have a plan and follow through on the steps that your plan needs to succeed.

Have you been playing hoops? If you get 2 more nephews out there with you and you will have your own team. Have you guys been working out? Oh ya so when I got here to the prison I weighed 225. That is the lightest I have been since about the time you were a baby. I might be moving today from the first spot they put us the first time you come here to where I will be for the next 4-6 weeks. Then hopefully I will get into that program conquest so that I will be busy instead of being in my cell 23 hours per day. It sure makes time drag when you just read, eat, workout and sleep. I am ready to listen to music watch some football work out with free weights, the same old cell workouts start to get old!!! Then as it gets boring and redundant it gets harder to work out every day. I also wanna play some hoops and hang out in the yard, touch and lie on the grass. See the blue sky.

Well, I better get this in the mail so you can find out what's up with me. Oh for me to be able to call you, I need a copy of the front page of a phone bill that has a name address and the phone number on it. It can't be a prepay or any of those kinds. Does anyone out there have a phone like that? Jade or anyone? If so I will need a copy of the bill that have that info then I will try to get some money on there so I can call you.

I love you tons and miss you more

Dad

Ps. Tell your mom I love her and miss her every day. Kiss her for me. I will talk to you soon.

10-01-13

My dearest Steve, Life is hard... I miss having a best friend... even though I feel you weren't a friend that treated me how I deserved to be treated... obviously that is all that I allowed and if it weren't you mistreating me it would have been another because obviously I am an extreme intense person that most people can't handle for too long.

I like who I am.

I feel I love and serve others staying true to who I am.

Thanx for being my friend obviously we did not appreciate all that we had ... it was too much focusing on what we didn't like and boy did we create more of that.

I'm struggling with being alone... I have lots of lovely acquaintance friends, I have lots of friends that come for advise but I guess why I don't have more close knit friendships is because it seems everyone just hangs and gets drunk around here in Lahaina and I just would rather be home smokin a bowl then hang out drinkin acting like partying is the bomb. I have never had fun drinking and being stupid.

Plus, I feel I gave you my best years of my life 100% with having you being the only one for my thoughts and desires. It is extremely hurtful to know that it was not reciprocated.

I'm finding I have a strong desire to be desired as much as I desire... obviously, I don't feel desirable... I'm 43... Everyone thinks I'm 30 and then it seems when they find out how old I am the desire is deflated. I am so not interested really in anyone... there has got to be someone out there for me that will love and appreciate my intense self and I won't settle for anything less.

I may be a lonely old lady forever, I guess I should have ended our relationship a long time ago... God knows you were constantly wanting out. Too bad I only want to have sex with good looking men that are over 6' tall... that right there is keeping me virtuous.

MONEY... well let's move on to money. Still having a rough time of it. Your sister is getting more and more help from Jason and makes way more money than me these days. When Pati gets more money and is the strong one she gets kind of snotty. When I am the strong one, silly me I still choose to take care of her and the kids with my extra.

The land lady told Pati she wants Keri and the dog gone. She hates dealing with me because I kill her with kindness and she doesn't have any control or power over me and she gets nowhere with me when she is wanting to complain about something like us painting the walls because I turn it back on her with such maturity and intelligence reminding her of the hell hole we are living in. so do you know what that sister of yours did???

Saturday. I loaned Pati my last $200 and let her use my car while I watched her kids so she could go get her tire fixed... she comes back because she needs to take me to work because the tire place was closed... so she takes me to work, drops me off, takes my car with my last $200 and then calls me 2 hours later at work to inform me that the landlord wants me and the dog out. So Pati tells me that she told the landlady that she will just kick me and Dallen and the dog out!!! While she renews the lease without us. Can you believe? I was a bit shocked beings that it is the end of the month. I have no money for rent or for food for that matter plus I have taken her in so many times always choosing family over money and others. Then to top it off, when I called her at the end of the day to come pick me up from work in my car, she doesn't answer. She did eventually call me back like 20 min. later

I'm looking for a 2nd and a 3rd job. I am adding flower girl to my job title... I walk around Lahaina and Kaanapali with a basket of flower Lei's trying to sale Lei's like K-dawn when she sold roses. It made me think how ahead of the game K-dawn is... she kept her baby and was walking my shoes in her teens and here I am 43 walking the shoes much older.

I love hearing your positive thoughts in your letter... for it is our thoughts that create our reality/illusion... I'm using every ounce of energy to keep my thoughts positive, clearing energy, meditating and I am so thankful I smoke marijuana. I am realizing seriously for the first time... I have PTDS... whatever it stands for but basically, I am traumatized from my life and marijuana helps quiet my negative thoughts. I hope for a better future, I pray for a happy life. I desire comfort, friendship, love, happiness, loyalty, honesty, abundance in all good things, having no worries if I can afford to eat and such.

I want to be able to have the freedom to travel and see all I want to see, especially being able to see my family that has been ripped apart which was the furthest from my desires. I want a beautiful home, I want a nice car with windows I want a place to call my own (I don't even have a closet). I want close relationships/friendships. I want nice clothes. I want a washer/dryer, I want a dishwasher, I want a nice fridge I want a nice beautiful yard I want a patio ultimately I want peace and serenity filled with unconditional unquestionable love.

p.s. Figuring out my phone I accidentally set it in a puddle of water that was left on the counter from someone. Send money thoughts my way.

Pps. I can't afford a phone that complies, Pati doesn't have one, Elden has no phone, Jade is never here. I need money and lots of it.

Love always, Keri

10-6-13

Dallen, Hello Dali boy, Happy birthday! Big 17. Do you feel a year older? How is Hawaii? Are you staying busy? How is it having Jade out there? How is mom? How are Elden, Pati, and the kids? So Chance never came out.

So I am not at the prison any more. I am now at the Beaver County Correctional Facility in Beaver Utah which is 230 miles south of SLC and 100 miles north of St. George. You have been here. When we would be driving through here we would stop and get squeaky cheese. It is really cool here cause it is a minimum security jail. Most of the people here are non-violent and non-crazy people. They are only charges like drugs, DUIs, fraud and stuff like that I guess it is rare that I could come here with my gun charge, but at the prison all of the counselors said I was so mellow and nice that I got to come here. So instead of being in our cell 23 hours a day, we are only in our cell from 10pm to 6:30am so that is super nice. Also, the TV is on from 6:30am to 10pm, so I get to watch sports. In the section that I am in, there are 28 people. I think like 20-22 of them are between 19 & 26. So a lot of kids like Jade and his friends, so that is ok. Not a lot of swearing, bullying and other criminal behavior.

They have a program here called BRT that is what I am down here to do. It is a drug and alcohol 9 month program. I am on the list and just waiting for a bed. I am excited to start that.

So one of the main reasons that I got to come down here to Beaver is that a black bully punched me in the face and I just laughed at him and walked away. He cheap shotted me in the chin and I said dang black boy, as big of a bully as you are I thought that you would be tough. The guards wrote a report on that and a week later I was here. So I am glad I didn't drop him. I am out full time; I can order food and stuff on commissary. I can use the phone and have visits. If I was still at the prison it would be another 15-20 weeks before I could have any of that stuff. I am glad that I am here also instead of there so you don't have to worry about me. Oh I do have 5 stitches in my chin from that guy though but no biggie. His hand was split worse than my chin. I get my stitches out tomorrow. I hope I have a little scar so I can say I have a prison scar. Haha.

So in our section here there are a couple hundred bottles, Sprite, Coke, Mt. Dew, water, peanut butter, coffee, etc. Some of the boys here sewed handles onto their pillow cases. Then we put water bottles into the pillow cases and those are our weights. So I should get really yoke now. There are like 18 of the 27 other people in here that work out hard core, so I don't want for a work out partner. So I only spent 16 nights at the prison so that wasn't so bad. I go see the board in March, then like 10 days later, I will know my release date.

So down here at Beaver on commissary we can order protein powder, vitamins, amino acids, all kinds of stuff to get yoke. We can also buy gym shorts, grey sweats, sweat shirts, (no hoodies)... so no stupid jail clothes. Also we get the east bay magazine and if we want a pair of shoes from there (80% has to be white) we can get the shoe approved then we can order those so that's nice.

Oh ya, they have a yard we get to go to one hour a day. They have a jungle gym out there so I can do pull ups, dips, calf work etc. I really like having pens instead of those stupid golf pencils that we had to use in SL jail. My hands are way too big for those little things. I am trying to get permission to get a calculator and some construction rulers in here so that I can start doing a ton of take offs. If I can do 2-3 a day I should be able to make good while I am here. So hopefully they approve that. Even if not I will do take offs I will just have to add in my head and on paper. Which will be slower, but it will make my mind super sharp and fast.

Have you been playing ball? Have you met any nice girls? You should study for and take your GED so you have that. Have you played any ball over at the church? It is still super hot or is it cooling down a little? How bout your garden? I love you tons and can't wait to see you. Love dad

I Write Steve

10-9-13

Steve, I hate the limitations on communication. Thanx for the effort you have put forward to call on Dallen's bday (I was at work) I sell Leis at night... I get them loaded so they can get HIGH all day and ya now I sell Lei's at night.

Good thing the landlady wants us out... Pati said, "Monica says Keri and the dog have to go"... Well, after Pati said "Ok, I will stay and kick Keri and the dog out bcuz Jason was sending money and doing well"... well, I have no money to give to the landlady here and now, apparently neither does Pati... I guess Jason is now asking Pati for money ... not only that... Pati informed welfare that she no longer needs assistance so who knows what's going to happen from here. Its Dallens bday, time for eviction. I asked Dallen, what gives? He says it's time to move forward to better and bigger.

I hold no fear in my space I hold anticipation for something amazing and magical to happen. I am just focusing on having control over my emotions, keeping positive happy thoughts living each day in my vortex for as long as possible. In my vortex I drive a white jeep, I live in a big beautiful home with plenty of room for others and plenty of room for a garden I am a professional traveler who spreads Aloha worldwide.

We hated hearing how you got punched and had to get stitches... good job holding your actions staying in your power... so happy to hear you are somewhere better. Is this going to be your permanent residence for a while? At least you have no worries or stress about providing a roof over your head or food on the table. It can be bliss living within your means... it's crazy how little it takes to exist on this planet... I am grateful I have survived and have learned this bit of truth, but I am ready to thrive and get back to some luxuries of life.

Just missed your call! Fuck! I brushed my teeth and missed it. Dallen is annoyed as well about the absence of communication. Dang by the time you get your freedom, I'm sure you will be very good at checking in... A trait I was always praying you would get better at.

We are getting ready to go to Longboards for dinner... all you can eat crab legs and prime rib for Dallens bday dinner. Just him and I... I always thought we all would be together forever. How silly was that... to think one would be so content clinging to the rocks living the SAME life with the SAME people. I miss all those people I do but I was getting bored with it and those characters in their roles surrounding me.

Well, Jason did come thru with money so Pati is asking for money and asking what Dallen and I are going to do. I know Dallen needs the dog and the ganja and I know the Universe/God/Source knows too. I know I have already lined it up as to what is to happen but it all looks bad in this 3rd dimension reality... I have court, tons of fines for seriously a pinch of weed and failing to register my f-ing car... I loved how you always took care of those things so I didn't have to worry my pretty little head because look at me, "this hard core criminal, threat to society" ya threat to society! I am an example to own your truth be who you are don't give a fuck what anybody else thinks and rock it like the great ones did such as EINSTEIN, Nostradamus, Madonna, John Lennon, the list goes on... all the "misfits" who truly got it and owned their uniqueness and trusted in who they are/were. I cannot wait to see what awaits behind door #2 but it's gotta be great!

### West Maui Parasail Season Ending

2013

My days at the Harbor are coming to a close once again. Parasailing will be shutting down December 14th... closing for the season and will be open again in May. What a great job I have that allows time off to travel the world... or go to Utah and visit the fam I had fled from.

I hadn't originally planned on cashing in on the bennies of working this seasonal job. I had been chasing jobs seeking to fill in the whale season... The combination of missing calls, landlady wanting " _Keri & the dog out_", Pati opting out of " _Together we're stronger_ ", lack of finding a new place, Dallen's predictions, Kai's visit, my mother's financial emotional support & assistance... along with Lisa & Anna's strong wise words of comfort... I have shifted from resistance to allowance and life is flowing smooth like a river. Everything is falling into place for Dallen's return to Utah and my **VISIT** to escort him there.

It makes perfect sense that Dallen needs to be with his older brother at this time. I have been hugely blessed to have Dallen hold my hand with his cousins to get me to my home in Maui. Now is Dallen's time to graduate to manhood, face his fears of being on his own without me.

I am thankful for all the family I have in Utah to support me and my children with their desires and dreams. I cannot help but to be thankful in some way for the healthy stable successful fine young man Kai has become, I give a lot of credit to that Papa Blakesley.

We all need to face our fears... no one is excluded from this. My biggest fear, being on my own, supporting myself... Steve's biggest fear, serving time in prison/jail.

It's crazy, there was a time when my biggest hopes and dreams were to keep my family together FOREVER, with Kai included in that statement.

I finally was able to let go and let God, moving on from those hopes and dreams. A year and a half later, those hopes and dreams are falling into place just as I had desired ( _with Kai reclaiming me, wanting me to come home, meet his kids, be grandma, live with him, whatever I desire, etc_.)... but guess what? I don't have those hopes and dreams anymore... I have moved on to living for me instead of living for others.

I was always being accused of being a co-dependent, a title I never understood... what is so wrong with serving and loving others, so we can all be happy? ... right???... wrong... I finally get what codependency means... my whole life I have done/lived what everyone else has wanted me to do/live... _for once in my life, other people's happiness is not a deciding factor for me_.

For once in my life, I feel I have found true happiness. I am living in a sanctuary that stays warm year round. My job couldn't get any better with the ocean's edge at my back; greeting visitors, spreading Aloha, receiving love from my harbor family on a daily basis.

I for once in my life feel a sense of belonging.

I for once in my life feel I can truly be my authentic self.

And I for once in my life am going to honor my feelings and choose to return to my home Maui, even if I return childless.

### Messages through Dreams and Nature

November 2013

I have to mention a reacquiring dream I just had the other night... Migration of tons of Beluga Whales clearly seen thru the top of the water... I am peering from the top wanting to get as close as possible, holding on to a mast/pole with a strong grip. I feel unsteady and have a fear of falling in.

_Whale_ _: keynote-power of song, creation, awakening the inner depths. It's time to show magnificence and power of your creativity, do not hold back._

Anna is a great friend I have that works the booth opposite of when I work the booth. The problem is, we never see each other at work, so we are always making dates with one another. For one of our hook-ups, we went to the beach by her house to discuss our dreams and desires. We had the most interesting experience with this big sea gull looking bird. The bird perched itself right in front of us on a rock, almost as if it were enjoying our conversation. It sat and "listened in" for a long while, (Anna _and I get pretty chatty_ ). Anyway, this bird flew off just to circle back to hear the rest... noticing this odd behavior, Anna confirmed, " _I come here almost every day, and I have never even seen a bird of that nature, let alone have one behave in such a way_."

_Gulls_ _: Keynote- responsible behavior & communication. The gull is associated with the element of water as well as the air. It knows how to work in both kingdoms; it knows the behaviors appropriate to both. This reflects the ability to teach you how to behave and work in other dimensions than that which is normal...The appearance of a gull usually indicates lessons or abilities in proper behavior courtesy and communication. It may reflect you need the lessons or that you may become the teacher of such... They can help you read between the lines and understand the body language of others. They hold knowledge of the techniques of psychological communication...The young are fussy eaters. They have to be stimulated to eat... it has ties to proper eating behaviors, stimulation of diet (physical & otherwise) and more._

Love it! Life is easier to live when you get cheat sheets, so to speak of what energy is in the space. Like attracts like... I see the attraction! I do need to make eating healthy a priority... AND it just so happened that Anna and I were communicating about those lessons and how to learn from them to fully receive our desires.

The sea gull experience was such an amazing experience; I had totally looked it up pronto. I went to work so high on life; pumped on sharing with Anna... we would write notes back and forth. It was an amazing day. I have many days that have magical moments... but this day... a Spanish romancer guy had approached me; complementing how beautiful I am, inside and out. He was very respectful and gave me a strong message that a lover is on his way, with sweet regrets that it is not he.

Aloha beautiful,

That is so awesome about the Spanish man. See he is feeling what I'm feeling for you too! When you love yourself and allow love and healing to flow that is when things happen. I believe he is right... in the next few months, when you let go and make all your amends (healing) then your man will come. Yeah so exciting!!! I'm just feeling so blessed these days. I feel at peace and I am happy to just be me and to be able to have such a beautiful life. Anything above and beyond what I have right now is such a blessing! Have a great day Muah.

Love Anna

Heart to Heart

11-1-13

Hello darling, How goes it? Fish would say S.O.S.... same ole shit... I imagine that is what your answer could be. Never S.O.S for me... seriously, you cannot make this shit up... I understand we wanted a great movie but this movie is kicking my ass. Your sister has been unbelievable ... she woke Dallen up (while I was at work) screaming, bullying him to get up, "pack your shit up so you guys can get out of here"... this was the morning of Halloween. Well thank God our son has Tourette's, he jumped up out of bed and gave her a piece of his fucking mind.

I guess it was after this that Pati called my mom to involve her to kick us out... telling my mom that she is just going to pack up our shit and start throwing it out. My mother proceeded to let her know that if she did "Keri could call the cops on you, you have no legal right to kick Keri out. You best be moving out yourself so you both can be done with the lease"... damn, so glad she thought to call and involve my mother. I would have been so fucking pissed if she had done that.

Well in the mist of all this, Kai called unexpectedly and said he misses us and will be flying out on Tuesday... Interesting... but I must say his timing really couldn't be better. I have no idea how all this madness will turn out. I am not liking my journey AT ALL.

Thank God for the harbor and my love for my harbor family!!! Dallen and I got into it shouting the blame game for this fucked up part of the journey. Yep... my fault for calling the cops on dad... or we can take it further, yep my fault for having sex with him in 1986 to begin with... oops, well, let's take it further... it's all a reverberation from my ancestors so let's fucking curse them all for this fucked up part of this journey... he then called me fucking crazy with more names with it. Fucking kids throwing that shit in my face blaming me for your fucking choices and the repercussions from such. Well, I am still waiting for the reverberations from my actions of loving and serving unconditionally to all!!! It's hard to believe how unsupported this mother is... which only brings more awareness in my space... LOVE ONE ANOTHER "ADOPT" THE MOTHER.

I don't know if I had filled you in but after Jason/AKA Phil AKA Pati kids daddy... never showed... ya, so Jason or "Phil" as his buddy Kyle calls him, never did show up... friend Kyle showed up with the plans of meeting up with Jason here. Remember that was the whole reason Pati started saying let's go our separate ways. She was wanting to play house and be able to be a full time mom and that was what started all this.

Kyle was something else... I actually enjoyed his company for the most part. He was pretty comical. He reminded me of Lenny off of Laverne & Shirley except with more smarts with a bit of an Al Bundy flair except this guy is not married nor does he have children. Kyle just left this morning returning home from a very different vacation that he had expected on Maui.

Well, when Jason never showed... Pati went back to JJ ex-boyfriend that she had filed a restraining order against to keep his trip ass at a distance... I don't know where to begin to process all of this madness so is where I started... God bless Pati for having to play this role... obviously to get the ball rolling for me to get to a better place. I would much rather play my role in this scene than her crazy ass role. I am so thankful I am the same person no matter how much money I have in my wallet or bank account. I will always love and serve others whether I am rich or poor and I will never sell out!

11-4-13

I received your letters this morning. Thank you for writing. Firstly, let me touch on your comments about your wanting to be desirable. You have no problem there. You are the most desirable woman that I know. You are desirable in every aspect and category. You are amazingly beautiful and sexy, your body is perfect, your eyes are amazing, your smile warms me and makes me feel loved, your compassion and love for everyone is amazing. Your personality is perfect, you are the perfect lover. There is nothing about you that I would change. You are the perfect woman for any man. If I could go back and change my demons and addictions before I killed your love for me, I would do it without hesitation. I love you dearly and I always have. I day dream about you all day and dream about you all night. Thoughts of you are what are keeping me strong throughout this hellacious time in my life.

I am doing everything I can daily to change the man that I am to defeat my demons and addictions so that I can be free asap. I pray for you daily to be able to be successful and be able to cope with being dumped into the role of provider after so many years. I pray for you to be extremely happy. It is hard for me to accept you not being with me, but I want for you whatever gives you the most amazingly perfect life that the most wonderful woman that I know deserves. I find myself carefully selecting my words cause you have made it clear how you feel, so I find myself in the conundrum of trying to be your friend and be supportive of you without crossing any lines that you do not want me to cross, so maybe you could clarify what is and what is not ok to tell you and share with you.

You will not be a lonely old woman. You are way too amazing for that. I know that I have not been there for you in the past, as I hobbled along as a broken man with a broken little dude inside of me, but the more time I spend here in this daily treatment setting, I feel my façade cracking and falling away and the real me coming out stronger every day. I want to be here for you in whatever role you would like me to be for you. I must admit, I am confused on what is what because when I simply think about you and sharing space with you, my heart pounds, I get short of breath and I get light headed, I'm not sure what that is, what emotion, what feelings etc.

I know that I picture other women or see pictures, all of these young boys in here have tons of pictures of women in here and I find myself comparing them to you. The problem is none of them come anywhere close to the bar that you set--- so that is a conundrum.

So later in this letter I will try to walk you through logging onto turbotax.com and finalizing the last of your taxes. I don't remember which email address that I used. It will only take you a couple minutes once you are able to log on.

Ok sorry so as I was saying, I am trying to be a support to you because I am unclear as to what role you are or playing. I know that it is not my best interest to think about you physically or sexually, because just the simplest and most innocent or maybe not so innocent thoughts or dreams about you get me crazily worked up. So I hope things are better at the house with that sister of mine. Somehow I am not surprised that Pati was going to try and get you evicted when she thought Jason was coming.

So Jade and Elden got their own pad? How are they doing? Dallen said you were looking for a place further away from the water. He said you could get a bigger place and maybe with land in for a lot cheaper.

I am starting to do estimates again and will start sending you all of that money as soon as it starts coming in I will send it all to you. I was all set up in SL county jail and was just getting started when I got sent to the prison and they don't let anything come with us so that was a process.

As horrible as this whole deal has been, it has been super eye opening and I continue to learn lesson after lesson. Patience, tolerance, generosity, tolerance, acceptance, tolerance, and etc. So I have been in the BRT program down here in Beaver, Utah. I think BRT stands for Behavior Remodification Therapy. I am learning so much. I am losing my snobbery; having to live side by side of all types. People that 9 months ago I would have been horrified by and not given the time of day.

Sorry about my handwriting right now, I am in class and am not suppose to be writing to you. Suppose to be paying attention the seminar is on rational recovery. So this program we are in a dorm setting. I am up in what you could call a loft. It is about the size of our master suite on Farm Circle where 18 of us spend our nights. There are 9 bunk beds, 2 sinks, 2 toilets and 2 showers as well as a square table that seats four. So it is definitely close quarters. We program Monday-Friday from 7:30am to 4pm. We have an hour off for lunch from 12:00-1:00 we learn about different drugs and their effects, alcohol etc. We learn about addiction and recovery behavior life skills etc. We have either AA or NA for an hour each day. We go to a class called criminogenics which is criminal behavior and its relations to drug and alcohol use. We have group therapy and individual therapy. So I am definitely using my time wisely. I am learning a ton of skills and useful information that I have been too stubborn to digest as I have heard them over the years.

I recently heard the quote that "you can give up one thing for everything or you can give up everything for one thing." I understand that applies to me and my addiction and drug use/alcohol. I know that I am an addict and I can't use at all or drink at all, I have to get those warm fuzzies from family and loved ones.

Material wealth, money, drugs and alcohol are not the way to get the attention that little Steve needs. It is sad to me that I couldn't learn these lessons that you and others have tried to teach me all my life, but I guess 45 is better than never learning them.

So I hear that Kai is coming out there tomorrow. That is awesome I am excited for you to spend time with Lily and Jackson. We have beautiful grand children. We breed beautiful linage. You are going to be so amazing with them. I am excited for you to be grandma Keri and develop that bond with these special angels. I also pray and hope that helps change the dynamics between you and Kai from "birth mom" and adoptee to more of a special unconditional bond. I am excited and will be looking forward to hear how the visit goes. So I am praying that the whole week is amazing and that there is no drama. I am warned that "weed" will lead to a diminished affect on the visit. I hope not Keri, I am not saying that in a chastising way at all my lady, I just know that you are both strong willed and I want you to have special experience this week. I hope that you did not read "I hope not Keri" and hear your mom's voice because I only said "Keri" instead of baby or darling because I am trying to respect your boundaries.

So I am busy now with the program that I do not get to do as much reading but I am still doing quite a bit. I am currently reading book 7 of the "Work and the Glory" series. Book 2 of "The Kingdom and the Crown" series which is another series by Gerald Lund that takes a fictional family and intertwines them into Jesus' life during the times of his ministry. It is an amazing series. I just finished reading book one and have just barely started book two I still have books five & six to read in the Harry Potter series. I have read one through four and seven.

Starting next week I will have to start teaching and preparing seminars and presentations. The first presentation that I am going to do is the power of positive thinking. I am really looking forward to preparing that and presenting it to the community here. There are 34 people in my pod. One guy is like 52, there are maybe 7-8 that are 40-45 and the rest are between 21 & 35. There are quite a few that are Kai's age or close to that.

So Keri my darling, I am really really glad that you were comfortable enough to share your letter with me and to feel safe enough to be open about your feelings and insecurities with me. That means a lot to me and I hope that I can reciprocate and be a support and a good friend to you. I care deeply for you, I love and adore you and I hope I can be a strength and a positivity in your life.

What I have written in this letter is true life. There is truly nothing about you that I would change. I love how open and honest you can be, I think you are the most beautiful and sexy woman I have ever met and you are an amazing wife, mother, aunt, friend, sister, daughter, granddaughter, niece, example, sister in law, teacher etc. Be who you were meant to be and don't let anyone tell you to change. I love how passionate you are in life and in the bedroom I can't even think about your/our passion without getting light headed. Be the amazing woman that you are and do it proudly. I put you in the same category with Madonna and those other strong women that you mention darling. You are amazing in every way. I love you and always will and I will always be here as a rock or stone for you in whatever role you need/want me for.

I will close and mail this then will start another.

Love always, Steve

11-9-13

So how are you this week? I'm starting to feel the holiday blues that I get this time of year, but I am working through it and trying to keep myself from getting down. I am taking what I am learning in this program to heal and reading other self help books to work on myself as a man and a human being.

I am currently reading the book, "The Voice of Knowledge" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It is really good. Some of the things it says on the cover are "A Toltec wisdom book" and "A practical guide to inner peace." It talks about all of the lies that we learn as children. That we have to be a certain way to be successful. Success looks this way or that way. That we are not good enough. I know that I have a lot of these lies and BS in my head. I am learning to recognize them and to reprogram myself. I don't want the demons from my childhood and teenage years to run my life now. I want to break free from these chains of bondage and recognize the amazing man of light that I truly am and achieve the things that I know that I am capable of.

You have taught me a lot my dear and I love you for all you have taught me. You have always been an amazing example to me. You are a strong and amazing powerful woman of light and you are perfect in every way.

So tell me about your visit from Kai was it just him or did he bring Ami and the babies? Did you guys have a blast or what? Was there peace in the space or was there contention? I hope it was peaceful and that you guys had an amazing visit you deserve the best and you deserve peace in your heart. It kills me when you are hurting over the whole Kai/adoption situation. I wish I could take the pain and hurt from you and fill you with pure light and happiness. I also pray that your relationship with your mom will align and that you guys can have an amazing mother and daughter relationship and friendship. Always remember that she has strong opinions and beliefs but they are simply those... her opinions and beliefs. There is nothing you can do to change these so you can battle with her and not enjoy the goodness and sweet times that you guys can & should be having or you can resist against it/her and have turmoil and conflict in your life with your mom.

I love you very much and want the best for you. I want you to be happy and have everything that you have ever wanted, hoped for and dreamt about. Let me know what I can do to help you achieve and acquire all your dreams.

Love Steve

11-15-13

It's a week until Thanksgiving... I'm supposed to be out by Dec 1st... I haven't found the place I'm supposed to be at. Dallen thinks it's in Utah with him and Kai. Utah is the LAST place I want to be. Dallen is obviously having to face his fears and live without me.

The kids don't understand why I wouldn't live in Utah especially with them all there... I have raised all the kids, I have devoted myself to them and others so much that I have seriously lived my entire life for others, sacrificing for others my life thus far... for a first, I am living for me. I love my life in Maui, I love all my friends and I love the weather... I think of even visiting Utah and as much as I love my daughter and Kai & am interested in meeting my grandchildren... (not even Dallen moving there could get me to stay there)... the thought of Utah does not bring me happy thoughts... if feels suffocating... I have lived that life and fought for that life... that life obviously is NOT for me... as much as I thought that life was for me, I feel I have definitely graduated from that homemaking codependent self-sacrificing life I have lived! I have been enlightened to live my life for me and I for once am living it and loving it.

11-22-13

Keri, How are you? I am doing well. I'm just doing the program. It is good I am learning a lot of new skills and seeing how messed up and crazy a lot of my thinking patterns have been... I see how hard it must have been for you to deal with my crazy self all of these years, so sorry about that.

There are a bunch of things in the program that I thought were ridiculous at first, but I am starting to see now that they all have a purpose. One of those is that we have to do facilities for the 1st 30-60 days when we come into the program. So we have jobs to do 6 days a week twice a day. Like 2 days a week I have to clean 2 of the 4 showers, 1 day a week toilets. So that has been humbling for me and taught me to be more aware of cleaning up after myself and being careful not to miss and to watch where my hair goes when I shave. Things I never paid attention to. Also, we have to hold people accountable and give them tickets for stupid and/or incorrect behavior. This has really helped me to pay attention to my behavior and to stop and think before I act. We are also learning a lot about drugs and addiction, alcohol etc. I had to present my 1st presentation this week. I did it on the voice of knowledge, which is the little voice in our head that tells us all of the lies and BS about ourselves. We are not good enough, we can't do this etc. it went really well. I utilized a lot of the information from Don Miguel Ruiz's book. It is really good; he also wrote "The Four Agreements" and "The Miracle of Love".

I think combining all of these agreements and utilizing them into my daily lives will help me to be an amazing man and be the person that my family needs me to be. I wish I would have grasped these concepts earlier, but I guess it wasn't time yet.

So how was the visit with Kai? He said it was awesome. Was that healing for you guys? I hope that it was good for you. You are the most amazing person that I know and you deserve to be super happy. I pray for you daily and you are always on my mind. You are in my dreams. I miss your beautiful face, your amazing smile your sexy body, I miss the way you look at me. I know that you can do anything that you set your mind to. You deserve all of your hopes, dreams and aspirations and you know how to get there. Just always remember who you are and the amazing honest powerful woman that you are and you will be more than fine. Step out of the past and into your future. Live everyday like it is your last. You have always done that better than anyone that I know just keep that up. Maintain your selflessness, compassion and how you care about others. It is a special gift and it makes you the angel on earth that you are. I am working on some deals to get money flowing again and will get you money as quick as I can.

So it is Monday November 25, 2013 and I am having a horrible day. Tired of the program, tired of prison/jail, tired of going to bed when I am told to, tired of not seeing or talking to you or Dallen tired of hanging with punk ass criminals all day. I am ready to be done with this experience and to move on with life. My temper has been short all weekend and today. Thursday is Thanksgiving and I am not real excited to spend that day here. I know that this is my consequence for my behavior but it is still shitty. I want to finish this program and go home. I don't know how I am going to handle another year.

So I hear you and Dallen are flying back to SLC then you are going to head back to Maui. I hope I see you while you are here. It would mean a lot to me. I miss you tons and will always love you.

Love Steve

Ps. hey I need an impact letter from you if you could; a letter that discusses how my addictions have impacted your life. I would appreciate it. I have to read it in front of the group. Thank you

Kai's Visit

November 2013

Well, Kai's visit was an eventful one. It seemed to get off to a bad start. Kai arrived right at the peak of landlady and Pati kicking Keri and the dog out.

I was stressed; needing money, panicking. I took Kai's surprise visit as a gift from the Universe having him show up as some sort of "Man of this family". Showing up as a mentor for Dallen and showing up maybe for financial assistance and to help me figure things out... which was wrong for me to have that assumption because he felt the pressure of SOS and when he is coming out because he is missing his mommy, I get it ... Anyways, things worked out... my mother gifted me the money I needed after she heard from Kai that I am a functional adult.? Whatever? (Which makes what I am going to share later, even more hilarious.)

Kai had rented a car and showed up late at night. I gave him a genuine hug and received him with open arms. It was late and Dallen was very excited to see his brother... I figured I could chat it up with them/him in the morning... Well, I guess he misread the whole me receiving him with open arms and felt neglected because I went to bed and left them to chat it up, just the two of them.

Well after an eventful day at Costco. Dallen brought to my awareness of Kai's neglected feelings; which opened up conversation so we could have a better understanding that I am very happy he is here.

Kai and I had a great time getting high on Maui, with my work, West Maui Parasailing. It was a memorable trip... during landing from the zodiac to shore, a wave crashed onto the zodiac, drenching us all, including my camera so unfortunately, I did not have a camera to take pics of the majority of his visit.

I love the memory it created... Kai being a very strong and handsome muscle man, was able to put them muscles to use and rescue all the people on the raft. Lifting me immediately, whisking me to safety first and foremost. Then immediately dove into rescue mode lifting these woman out of the water to safety, we all loved it... all three of us ladies ruined our phones and cameras but had smiles on our faces from the eventful damsel being rescued by a prince lived.

While I was at work one of the following days... Dallen and Kai had a memorable day ... The boys had planned on leaving Lahaina but with the road block heading north and the road block heading south, they went jumping at Cliff house and Dallen cut his foot open. As soon as they made it back home Dallen had him some toast with a big ole slab of ganja butter... with Kai following suit stating he had a sore shoulder. Dallen warned him he would get high but Kai claims Dallen was talking too technical with big words such as cannabinoids.

Long story short, I came home to boys higher than a kite. Family from the Utah zone was mad at Dallen for "feeding Kai ganja" and mad at me for not taking Kai to the hospital because he was tripping balls thinking he was dying.

Dallen was awesome holding his ground not taking the wrap for Kai's choices. I loved it... we were out to eat at Aloha Mix Plate while we were having quite the heated discussion of their consumption of marijuana and seriously having a kind of loud conversation of rights and not taking the wrap for Kai getting higher than a kite and how ridiculous it is thinking he was over dosing and dying... he would have been the first one in history.

Keep in mind... Kai is a return missionary and has not been a fan of Marijuana.

There were other heated moments during Kai's visits... There had been mention of who I have been with in an intimate way... Kai had a very hard time with this because there was an age difference of 3 years Kai being the older one... At the time I write this nothing has developed but I have had to continue to fight for a relationship that hasn't even manifested in this 3rd dimension yet because it's a topic that comes up quite often... I am a very youthful person that does not act or look 43. It has been something that I myself have had to get real with and be okay with, because honestly, I do not see me with any dude near my age...

My dear Kai,

Thank you for your visit

Thank you for your understanding

Thank you for your love

Please forgive me... I'm sorry to disappoint all of my family ... but honestly I am the happiest I have ever been. And if that disappoints ya'all, o'wells. I am not ashamed of receiving ___'s love. No one knows what him and I have shared except for him and I. Call it carnal ~ which yes that was nice too ~ but only ___ and I and God knows what transpired between him and I. Just like people judge how you and I hold one another, a lot of people think it's creepy... but again I am not ashamed of receiving your love. I am thankful for the love I am shown and yes, I will reciprocate that love reflecting right back the love I have to shower.

I do not nor have I ever considered myself a whore. I feel I am very connected to God and Mother Earth and this Divine Universe we exist in. I do have a strong love for Jesus the Christ. My most favored ancestor/brother/leader/example...etc. I need not explain myself to others the love I hold in my heart... I am unconditional love and I have worked very hard to get here allowing my light to shine... I could never go back to Utah... being around everyone including you, dampers my light. Yes it was in the past. I wish I could be as successful as you (sarcasm) at being able to forget and be so Christ like without sin. But I unfortunately suffer from PTS. Yep... that event in 1986 affected me as it does every mother to lose a child... what is your biggest fear? You say to lose your children and Ami... Well, welcome to my world... shit happens and life goes on... And again, here right now living in Maui smoking weed is THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN... Think what you want of me. Because bottom line, I like who I am and I am not interested in changing anything. I have been an excellent mother to my children and raised them well. NO REGRETS and I am looking forward to finally living for me...

Love, that lady

Last day of Kai's visit we went to the Bamboo Forest in Hana with the boyz. We met a great soul that welcomed us to park our car on his property. We all shared wisdom, fruit and vegetables... then we were on our way to the hike.

We had Dallen's "service dog" and had a great hike making it all the way to the top before dark, heading back just as sun is setting. On the way down we were meet by the Park Rangers... come to find out, there were some cars still parked in their lot having the rangers come looking. Taken by surprise, the rangers informed us that there are no dogs allowed... I informed them that we just got the dog registered as a service dog and I left the papers in the car... feeling the rangers leaning towards a ticket... we booked it down the mountain to the car with the rangers following us at our heels.

One of the rangers was keeping up with Kai and I as the other rangers stayed back with Dallen and the boyz... With the ranger running out of breath, he hollers out, "Why are you moving so fast?"

Gracefully, Kai and I are bombing the path, racing, practically skiing over the rocks and obstacles... I shout out, "I'm a Utah girl, I know how to get off a mountain fast and quick especially when the sun is going down."

"Utah? I used to work at Zions National Park"

"Well then, you must know my dear good friends, the Degroats... Amanda is practically my sister"... My dear friends have worked in Zions as rangers for years and come to find out, my dear friend was this fella's boss. After discussing my relation and know-how of the Degroats, Kai and I make it to the bottom of the path and split, leaving the ex Zion ranger in the dust... we figured we would run to the car, hop in, head back to pick up the boyz, have them jump in and then we would just take off...

Well the boyz were being escorted slowly by the other rangers... for some reason Dallen didn't have shoes and did the hike barefoot which slowed him down and God bless Jade and Elden who stayed by his side while Kai and I took off... when we flipped the car around to have them jump in...the rangers had already called back up with two vehicles pulling up on the scene with their lights rolling. After playing blonde, and having them believe us that we are truly in a hurry to get Kai off to the airport, and after they ran my name; seeing the whole "I got arrested on Labor Day"... the rangers got a little escalated about Marijuana...developing fear in their space because I am listed as some kind of marijuana criminal in the system... but after all of that... they let us go... with the ex Zion ranger's last statement, "This has nothing to do with you knowing the Degroats, but I am going to let you go"... Well, we all know that it has everything to do with my knowing the Degroats! Lol ... love my dear sistah Amanda and her husband that have served our national forests their entire grownup life.

We got Kai back to Kahului and he made his flight. Kai and I ended on a good note, had a great moment on the hike where he acknowledged how much I drive him crazy to the point of being his least favored person... but as crazy as I drive him, I am one of his most favored person at the same time... I'll take it.

Thanksgiving

2013

Thanksgiving was the best ever! I did not cook a thing! God bless the Lindquist families who welcomed us in their home and family. Great food, great company, great atmosphere, nothing but gratitude for them for this day.

Utah...

12-2-2013

Steve, So hey, life is working out as always. No money flowing in yet. But my mother bought Dallen and me a plane ticket to Utah one way... I figure the state of Utah is loaning me money for such things because they are suing me for child support and getting ready to garnish my wages. Unbelievable how this Mother in Need, along with mothers of centuries, are not supported and provided for. I plan on flying back to Maui without Dallen. Dallen needs this time to spread his wings and fly. He needs a male mentor to prepare him to be a provider. He is an amazing nurturer and it's time for this momma to cut the apron strings... as life would have it, I'm not being supported in raising my children... but like my daddy always said, "you can only teach them until they are 14 and then they are in the driver's seat." I'm looking forward to the Utah visit but I am looking more forward to my return to Maui.

Love Keri

12-8-13

Hey darlin, So I found some letters that I guess I hadn't mailed to you yet... I am busy finalizing all the details and getting my stuff boxed and stored at Jade and Elden's.

I will be returning and living with Becca... sharing a bed with her for $350 a month... I'm getting packed for my VISIT to Utah... helping Dallen get his stuff packed. I have been taking the dog, Stoney, to work with me at the harbor... I have to get this "service dog" ready.

We had got the harness and paperwork for $200 so the landlord couldn't kick us out... it has been totally divine to have the landlady freak out and have Eric as my friend and example at the harbor of how to get around things... it is saving me money for the dog to stay with Dallen which is what needs to happen... so the dog gets to ride at our feet or on our lap... we get preloading and preunloading way kool... FOR FREE. But I'm a little nervous; he behaves a bit like a dog but a good dog. So I have been taking him everywhere with me training him getting him used to being around a lot of people and indoors. No barking or acting like a dog. I have 9 days... speaking of... I only have 9 days... that sister of yours... I am glad I have the wisdom and clarity I have and have my chakras as my focus to clear because this situation could be a whole lot worse... you Stones can be BULLIES.

I'm so glad I have great friends at the harbor to remind me, such things, as Capt. Tiff would say, "don't let others actions and behaviors change who you are or how you behave." I just reflected on that one this morning... I have been supplying the toilet paper on the rung just because... that is how I am... but this morning, I observed Pati in the bathroom having some kind of period problem, because that roll I just put in there last night is to the cardboard and Dallen has only been awake half that time and I have been gone... but your sister leaves the bathroom, goes to her room, grabs a roll of TP from her room and then when I go to the bathroom, I notice that she must have transported her TP roll back to her room... "Do not let other people's actions change who you are." so I gladly go and get another roll from my closet, almost considering playing the hide the TP... but didn't like the energy of that and instantly was grateful that I have abundance when it comes to TP and if your sister needs extra help supplying TP for her and her peeps bottoms, I will gladly provide...

Dallen overheard her telling JJ that she was going to tell Monica, the landlady, that it is not working out and I guess try to get Monica to kick us out cause Pati can't stand the 9 days we have left to get out of here. She is unbelievable... I continue to wash her dishes and clean up after her, which she seems to be getting better. I have like three boxes in the living room that I live out of, put away on the bar... I make my bed before I need to lay my head and take it away after so there is no evidence even as to where I sleep. I leave no trace and Dallen stays in his room. They use our things, get into my stuff, help themselves, eat all, ruin all... which I should not say "all"... they are getting better, I think because I continue to be who I am... not eating their food, never going thru their shit.

The kids have been bullying the dog lately and when I got home the other day his eye was swollen shut. Pati tried to say he probably had pink eye because the kids do... but the next day his eye was fine so that was the final straw that got me to realize I need to take Stoney to the harbor with me to better train him and prepare him for the plane ride. So again thank you Universe for getting louder so that I do what I need to do and thank you Pati for having to be the villain to get me to do the things I need to do.

Which brings me to your letter of request for the impact your behavior has affected me... well, for starters... thank you for the lessons... your behavior has made me one wise wise woman... but bottom line it was an energy match... I was messed up from my childhood and abandonment issues and messed up from the whole adoption shit... I am so grateful I had you through it all. If it weren't you it would have been someone else helping me identify who I am and what my truth is and what my true desires, wants and likes are.

I thought all I ever wanted was to be a mom, grandma... I thought I would be with you forever to share our children and grandchildren's lives... there was a time when that was all I wanted.

My true belief, you can live happily ever after with anyone... I have since acquired more desires... I now have a desire to live in the moment... I now have a desire to be happy in my every moment... I now have a desire to surround myself with others who appreciate and love all I do. I now have a desire to be with a lover who adores me and is my best friend whom I can trust. I also have learned to love lightly because nothing lasts forever... everything is just a stepping stone to the next level of understanding.

Obviously we were destined to travel the path we have traveled... facing our fears... yours being confinement, mine being on my own providing for myself losing my children... well, see look, there we are facing our fears that we need to clear.

Our life together seems so long ago... I have no regrets, I loved you, I hated you, I grew up with you.

Thanks for providing a lavish lifestyle that I prefer. Thank you for working as hard as you did to provide the great lavish vacations and all the kids' classes and activities... it truly compensated for your lack!

Our union caused me a lot of heartbreak but bottom line it was my doing as well, obviously, I was fearful of unconditional deep love and didn't feel I was worthy of it... for my truth, as horrible as my life has been, I created it... I endured til the end... and I am excited for my new life... thank you for forcing me on my way to bigger and better. I'm having a hard time writing "The impact your behavior had on me" I guess I could say it definitely was not fun seeing all we had to offer you, be rejected and not valued. It was scary having to stand on my own two feet relying on my 14 year old son for support, sanity, companionship... creating a slightly dysfunctional relationship between us creating quite a codependence which is why this is perfect that Dallen moves in with my mother or Kai... he has developed into a fine young man ... 17... This is the age the father is around to transition them to a man and introduce them to the work field and working out. It is also the time Kirah needs her father to show her how she likes to be treated... no worries... because again, after all, everything is perfect and Kai is stepping up to fill your shoes.... I don't know how long I will be in Utah but I do know this... I have lived that life and that life is so far ago... I have a new life that I absolutely love... I spread Aloha all day. I love having the sun year round and wearing shorts year round. I love all the friends I have, I love the lifestyle... ultimately I thank you for contributing to who I am and contributing in getting me here... many Mahalos

See you soon. Love Keri

1-16-14

Dearest Steve, Sorry it's been so long since I have written. Since our visit to see you, not so much has happened... if it makes you feel any better. I don't celebrate holidays even Christmas... I would even go as far to say I dislike the Christmas holiday season the very most.

Yep, this year really wasn't any different as far as the Kai thing... I thought this year would be the year that it would come full circle and I would be spending his birthday, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with him... After all, I was staying at his house... up until those exact days.

We came to see you on the 22nd... I thought the visit went well... Dallen wished he was able to have alone time with you and still desires as much. I thought I was very loving towards you showing you complete forgiveness; holding no bitterness... but upon exiting the jail, all three kids gave me an ass chewing, that I didn't shower you with love and affection and proceeded to treat me like a whore because I made it real clear to them that you can never go backwards and if I were to go back being together with you I would not be honoring my truth nor would I be respecting me.

They all should be grateful I hold no bitterness!

And with that, I rummaged thru my bags and pulled out my Sneak a Toke demanding to be let out of the car on the side of the freeway because I had had enough of those three kids treating me in such a way... telling me how to act, how to be, how to feel.

After Kai wouldn't pull over with the insanity building in the car, I lit up... which got him to slam on the brakes so I could get out of the car. Kai freaked that I was doing "illegal drugs" in his car... (so retarded how marijuana is illegal)... I jump out of his car on the side of the freeway ... he has so much fear on the miraculous herb, he even pulls forward 20 feet to leave me and my sinful self crouched off the freeway.

Kirah is a sweetie; she didn't like how the boys escalated in their disrespect for this chicki because after all, she is a chicki too and chicki's get one another.

Kirah jumped out of the car from the 20 feet clearance mark and walked to me to crouch beside me to help calm me down and walk me back to the car.

Then, I don't know if you recall, but we had the family party to go to at Jess & Clint's. They have a beautiful new home in Herriman... actually just a few streets south of where we had lived... ya, it's all developed with neighborhoods. I bet those Hamilton, Butterfield and Mascaro families are enjoying the wealth... But anyways, it was great seeing the fam; everyone lined up for hugs and kisses, it felt good to have everyone so excited to see Dallen & I.

But back to the Kai thing... he had said, he would have me cause he knows how it is and he had said he will work it so he can see me on those three important days... well, we all know how Kai is... he tries to please everyone telling everyone what they want to hear; saying yes to everyone, making plans with everyone. After overhearing there is no room in his plans to hang. I took the initiative to pack and plan to stay at Toni's and not plan on seeing Kai because after all, Ami, him and the kids were staying at his folks house... I'm sure Kai was relieved that he wouldn't have to juggle this family in with that one. And I was grateful for the four nights I had stayed at his house meeting his kids.

There again, Dallen started chewing my ass because I "sabotage my happiness" because I don't like raining on people's parade. I don't need to see Kai that bad for those 3 days of the year... yes those three days bring me sorrow and grief but people, allow me to grieve those fucking 3 days. I wasn't being hysterical until Toni (my sister) and Dallen both were again telling me how I should, act, be and feel. Which by Christmas Eve this behavior of others towards me totally pissed me off... I ran away to Robbin's (another sister)... once I got to Robbin's I was great. No pressure of how I should act, be and feel. And Robbin totally gets it. "I don't have to be joyful on these days". Those days are not great days for me and nor do I think they ever will be... Understandably so!

So Christmas Day around 10:00 a.m. I called my mother and let her know where I was so she could come pick me up to take me back to Toni's to see the kids.

I guess Dallen had gone to Santiago's (a buddy of his) for Christmas Eve. But Kirah had a great Christmas... Toni is so good for/to her... Toni's awesome, she got Kirah a laptop and gave Dallen and me both a hundred bucks. She said, she wanted to buy Saidee a big screen TV and she was able to get one of ours out of the storage unit from Jackie so she could "buy" it from us. I thought that was great.

I think you should ok Jackie to let us sell all of our stuff in that storage unit. It's just accumulating dust and incurring debt, with the monthly payments Jackie is wasting on storing it. You could buy all new stuff when you get out and use the money from selling all our stuff now at a time when I need it. Plus, everything is going to be so out dated and if you wait too long, no one will want to buy the stuff you have in there... can you even remember what you have in there?

Anyways, my mother comes and picks me up from Robbin's house and on the way back to Toni's she tells me, out of love and concern and the only way she knows how to deal with upset I guess... she has the nerve to tell me, "I'm concerned about you, Keri, we may have to hospitalize you."

"WHAT?!" You know I flipped the fuck out on that.... Do you realize that is what society has done throughout history... "Let us take babies away from their mothers and if the mothers show grief and sorrow then lets lock them up in the insane asylum and drug them up!" I was livid... I told her, if she is so fucking worried about me, she should help me get a ticket back to Maui! And I insisted she promise she would never threaten me with such a thing, "I would never lock you up in an olds home and leave you to rot in your old age, so I can't believe you would even think of such fucking nonsense!" I yelled at her... well, when I say the F word it freaks them the Fuck out and they want to sedate me with their choice of drugs... Pills that Kill.

So that was the Christmas season... except for, I forgot to tell you... part of the reason for me calling out the plans to forget about Kai for his birthday and Christmas was because your sister Karen had called Kai and informed him that the Stones were getting together the day after Christmas and asked if he was going to be there... I witnessed Kai acting all cheery, as he does with everyone, telling her, "ya ya we will definitely be there." Then as soon as he hung up with her, he says, "ya right, not going to that." Well, I immediately asked Kirah and Dallen if they wanted to go to the Stone party because if they want to go, I will go; as much as I don't care to go. Upon those two saying Yes, they want to go, was when I called the game plan of allowing Kai this time with his adopted family once again separate ... obviously this year was not the year.

Well, after the Christmas Day blowup of everyone attacking me for "sabotaging my own happiness, allowing those Blakesley's to take away those days that Kai was supposedly wanting to spend with us", NOT... my mother, Toni, Dallen and I decided that Dallen and I needed to be separated.

Dallen and I had been warned before we came here by Kristi the Hawaiian Healer we went to that those cords need to be cut. It's normal to unite with the oldest child in the house to survive what happened, spouse got addicted to Heroin and everything that went down, but I need to take back my power. So needless to say when Zara texted to ask when we would come for the Stone party, I told her no in so many words, excusing my behavior saying something to the effect of... "I'm not in the mood for your security law loving mother anyways"...

I don't know if you had heard that we were greeted at SLC airport baggage claim, by airport security... they came right up to me asking if I was Keri Stone... "A family member had called in to inform them that they needed to search my bags for Marijuana"... Ya ridiculous all right... boy is my family lucky nothing came of it... well, airport security let this CRAZY woman go because right before I left Maui, I randomly had an interview with some fellas on "How do I feel about Legalize" and with that, they sent a strong message my way... "when asked to search me and my things... say NO" and after witnessing the pathetic scene of this skinny purple haired marijuana medicated woman hanging on to Stoney the "service dog" with her daughter, Kirah, running up like it has been years, they thanked me for my time and wished me a happy holiday season and bid me good day... after I gave them that big NO as my answer when they asked if they could search my bags.

So I went to stay at my mother's while Dallen stayed at Toni's.

At my mother's I was able to go through six boxes I had; that had been gone through by the way... I found NO shoes except for one of my combat boots not one pair... one boot... whatever, Anna, my dear friend at the harbor had said, "You don't want to be walking in those old shoes anyway, you have already walked that walk... time to have new combat boots to walk your new walk." I liked that... so when food stamps hit, I was able to buy Toni some groceries and she bought me some new boots.

I didn't last at my mother's house for long, she was treating me like a 16 year old. Both her and my dad were checking in on me all night, past their bed time making sure I wasn't sneaking out to toke; making sure my eyes aren't red.... Whatever... well, the second night there I didn't "sneak" I left for a walk about and didn't air out long enough and my mother freaked out as if I had snorted a line of Cocaine.

It's crazy how much fear people have on Mary Jane. My mother basically threatened I need to go to Jean's because she can't have illegal substances in her house... (Just a cupboard full of prescription pills that kill is allowed in her house). Well, fine by me, lookin' forward to Jean picking me up... I don't trust my mother to NOT call the Po Po... Blue medical card only works in Hawaii, whatever, such nonsense.

Had a great New Years. Love hanging with Mama Jean. She is a busy body like me, moving from project to project; that intelligent bipolar wonder woman that is out living her death sentence the doctors keep trying to get her to own. She firmly says, "I'm not owning that illness, I have to live til I'm 60. I have put money into my retirement and I will collect!" gotta love it. That is one great trait of the bi-polar.... Once they set their mind on something it's on.... Just like changing the color of your eyes.... Right babe...

Well, I don't think my mother thought I would be so quick to say, "Ok see ya, I will be at Jean's"... my mom called me New Year's Eve day to make a date with me to go bra shopping. It has been 5 years since they cut her boobs off and she was not looking forward to go find inserts and bras that could make her feel more like a woman... upon getting off the phone arranging our "date" for bra shopping, Jean informed me of a prosthetic bra place just down the street. I called the place to ask how late they were open beings New Year's Eve and all.... They would be closing at 1:00. I call my mother back to inform her to get a move on; be early to her Dr's apt and don't get chatty with the doc and hustle here.

I have never witnessed my mother move so fast. She arrived to Jean's house at 12:45.... But Jean being so military minded, after all, she is a retired air force chief... Jean sets all her clocks 15 minutes fast to never be late.... When my mother pulled up, Jean announced, "Well, you might as well invite her in, she's missed the boat."

Before I could even get to the door to invite my mother in, she was already at the door rushing saying, "I think we can make it we have 15 minutes." It was a sight I will never forget, my mother moving so fast even bouncing in such an excited way once in her car to speed up putting the car in reverse and putting the pedal to the medal.

The prosthetic bra place was the best time I have had with my mother. For $40 each, which my mother paid, we were gifted four donated inserts with our bras.

We both left feeling like sex goddesses, which is a great way to feel...We are women hear us roar.... I love the idea of being able to choose how busty I want to be everyday.... So much better than the permanency of a boob job.... Plus much cheaper and pain free!!!

Had a great stay at Mama Jean's, I turned her onto the Tyler Perry movie that my dear friend Anna has been coaching me on all season long.... "Act like a lady, think like a man.".... My sister Ashley came over and we had a great movie night.... A movie that I recommend all women especially young maidens to watch.

Jean also gifted me a reading/healing session at Rainbow Gardens.... It's at the mouth of Ogden Canyon near where Jean lives across from the Dinosaur Park... That was way cool. I actually was gifted extra time from the healer lady ... it is $35 for a half hour and not only did she hang with me for almost two hours; she gifted me some bath salt that had some special thing for the solstice moon??? Not sure.

But anyway, I knew this woman would be a good one when she immediately picked up on my chatty Great Aunt Edna who is always thick in my space for the gifted sensitives to pick up on... I guess I am so used to her presence, I'm not aware of the all-knowing information she is constantly downloading to me.

She gave me a great read confirming all the abundance and desires that are being delivered right now... I have no need to even have worries about getting back to Maui because it is here and I just had a few cords that needed to be cut.

She said I had cords in my crown area, from beliefs that have been programmed and past down from generation to generation and I had cords to cut from past trauma. She cleared some things that were in my space/aura that was keeping me from opening up my heart... seriously, upon leaving, I felt my heart feel open and free to receive... yes, and it's a vulnerable feeling... it felt like a heaviness had been lifted.

For New Year's Eve, Mama Jean and I got all dressed up and went out to an R&B party at a fancy steakhouse. This was a first time for both Mama Jean and I to bring in the New Year out on the town with no kids. She too, had always stayed home playing games with friends or family.

We had a great time playing up the Mama and daughter act with us only being four years apart... we had a story... she is 50 I am 30. I am the rebellious daughter that ran away to Maui to be a beach bum because she is a military Mama... we had a fun time entertaining ourselves. Mama Jean taught me the people watching game with a twist to improve my observation skills (which everyone knows how oblivious I am to my surroundings)... being military minded Jean is very good at the game and was able to teach me the importance of being aware of my surroundings....

For example, there was this guy that had asked me to dance right when we got there... every time he would turn into me to dance, I would turn out to create distance... I thanked him for the dance and upon returning to our table, Mama Jean brought to my awareness of what that body language really meant... Boy was she right... as we watched this "player" he found him like three other women throughout the night that immediately after dancing with them (with the woman welcoming him in their space on the dance floor, unlike I was) they would leave the club out to the parking lot and return shortly with "the player" ignoring the lady/ladies the rest of the night after he got what he wanted... with the ladies being in a bitchy mood all of a sudden for the rest of the night...

I was blown away that this goes on...

Mama Jean also taught me to always order a fresh water when I leave my glass... the things that go on... CRAZY SCARY... I am so virgin at clubbing.

Anyway, had a great time, Noelle, the receptionist from the ortho was there, it was great seeing a familiar face and talk story.

So, New Year's is over,

Kai took Dallen and I skiing, we had a great day. I forgot how much I love to ski. I was kind of not looking forward to it cause of the freezing cold that is exhausting me but when you dress warm and it was a beautiful sunny day. We had a great time.

I have been living like a Nomad just like Crystal and the others had predicted... I go from house to house wherever the Universe guides me. I rotate from my mother's, Mama Jean's, Toni's Robbin's, Kai's and even my new baby sister's house.

Ya that's right, I finally met my baby sister on December 23rd, Kai's birthday. Amanda is 22 and more amazing than I ever dreamed her to be. She is very gifted like Dallen, she reads minds and is so full of love and unity.

We all went to Hogle Zoo for "Zoo Lights" and guess what? I took that Stoney dog as a service dog to the zoo!!! Love it. I had to sign papers that even being a "service dog" he may act up and if he does any damage, I am responsible and then they made it clear that I do not want to walk through the Big Cats... I wasn't ballsy enough to do that but thought it funny they expressed how not a good idea that would be.

Amanda drove me down to Kai's to spend the weekend with me the weekend he blessed his baby boy at church... seriously, I had just ran through my mind, "I wish Amanda could go to this weekend event so I felt like I had a friend by my side for an event that I would have really felt alone"... you know how ostracized I always am, especially without having you there... As soon as my wishes danced in my thoughts... Amanda asked if she could come!!! So glad because yep, without saying a word, that dear sister picked up on the vibes that go on that people are so oblivious or shall I say ignorant to.

But hey, you will be happy to hear, Kai got up and bore his testimony mentioning only his "birth" father who is in prison but bearing testimony how the scriptures are bringing you comfort while you serve your sentence.

Plus, I must add my highlight of the day... when we were back at their house for the feed... Kai's bestie friend approached me, asking, "so... you are?..."

"Whatever you want me to be" I interjected with sarcasm and a smile.

Kai was standing nearby and shook his head with a chuckle because we all know how sensitive I used to get with this bull shit verbiage.

Well, after my response, the friend caught on that this is awkward but not... so he continued with, "Well you and Kai look just alike and oh my heck, Lily has your eyes."

Well immediately after that compliment, I chuckled and said with sarcasm, "Oh really now, funny you should say such a thing."

I loved it and needed to say no more. I left Kai and his friend to further the conversation on their own with me telling Kai how much I adore that friend.

Life is good.

I love not needing Kai to honor me as his mother; I love not needing validation, DNA is a beautiful curse that runs thick. I don't have to fight for who I am... because guess what? I AM...

I have had a lovely time visiting with Ami and the kids... Ami is great, she is the best for the job. Moscow has prepared her well. She is a Bad Ass, whom I do see many traits of myself in... which Kai would disagree.

I am so thankful that you know, the kids know, my friends know, family knows, but most of all GOD knows what an amazing mother I have been, serving all God's children 100%; dedicating my life to my family in such a way, sacrificed more than my own happiness for others.

I have nothing to prove, I don't need to explain, justify or defend.

I have come to realize through all of this... you cannot skip out on any phase/stage of your life...

I never lived being on my own and "dating" even though I "gave" my baby away at 16, it changes you to have a baby... whether your baby dies, is kidnapped or is lost to adoption, I was a mother and began my nurturing instincts on anyone that needed it... I went from my mother's rules to Randy (my father) to you.

So now I get to live the 16yr-25yr phase/stage of being on my own.

Look at you, you were robbed your childhood; was never taught consequences or how to play, if you will, because of the grownup dysfunction you had to live... and here you are, incarcerated, learning to play, being nurtured so to speak, being taught healthy behavior, having to stick your nose in the corner for being naughty in dodge ball... loved hearing it... we need to live each phase/stage of life.

And honestly, I love hearing that you are able to live without stress. Not having to work hard to provide a roof over your head or any others for that matter... and I love hearing you are able to live such a care free life... people may not think of prison/jail as a carefree life but compared to the life you have lived... this is the best closest thing.

Enjoy focusing on you, don't worry about me and the kids... we are blessed with abundance of family who is blessed with abundance to help care for Dallen and Kirah... and as for me, Tiffani has informed me of an Adoption Conference that she wants to attend with Kai and I in tow... we will see. Lots of love darling, keep up the good work, many Mahalos, Thank you for the lessons, Aloha, Love Keri

2-18-14

Hey dad, how are you? I've been staying with grandma most of the time. I got into the storage unit a few days back and got my dressers, guitars and what not. I didn't get the keyboard, pictures or anything in the smaller unit. I want to get your stuff out of there so that we could store it in grandma's garage. All of your stuff is being sold to pay for the unit bill. I've been telling Jacquie she needs to sell what she needs to pay her back and then she needs to give me what's left. She won't listen. I've been telling everybody that it's stupid to pay the storage bill with the stuff you're storing. I'd rather sell it all and buy a car if it's all going to disappear anyway.

Grandma and grandpa keep saying just let Jacquie have all of the stuff or sell it all and keep the money since she was the one that stored it, but that's nonsense. They just didn't want to store it in their garages. So I told them "Fine I'll keep it in Kai's garage." Then they said I should just let Kai keep it all which is more nonsense. I'm the one that's been pushing and that communicated with Jacqui to get into the damn unit. I'm the one trying to keep the shit from getting sold. So just let the Jac know what's up. She needs affirmations from you on me taking the Noahs arc and elephant picture and the monitor she said she has to wait til the flood damage is fixed. I'm going to keep track of what she sells and how much we still owe her. Then I'll get the rest of our stuff and keep it safe rent free.

I've been writing a lot of lyrics lately, blowing glass, wielding, playing ball and working out. I've been talking to Utah work department and they gave me a placement test which I tested college and above so I don't need tutoring. My new card just arrived today! It's taken so long since you registered as me to get benefits with my identity haha but it's all good. I straightened it all out. Imma be getting the card about Thursday then we can figure out when I can go pass the GED. I'm too cool for school foo haha. Then they'll pay for 2 years of college so I might go take welding classes or psychology but that's like 8 years so I don't know about that.

Plus I'm hella smarter than the damn psychologist I've been forced to be going to. I've been the one teaching him about marijuana, CBD, THC spirituality, over firing neurons and hyperactive minds. He agrees that Mary Jane brings me to the neuron firing pace of a normal person. Upon our first meeting he really noticed that I talk and think at a much higher pace than most people. The intake which usually takes half a session took 2 sessions because of all the shit that's gone down in my life. Today was just tests and resolutions of my hyperactive mind and my medicinal marijuana. I already quit weed though so I'm done being labeled, I'm just a Crystal child. Grandma has been labeling me as Schizophrenic, psychotic, selfish indulging because I focus on my music instead of playing ball in Roy with a bunch of clowns. She shuts me down so much with her labels and negativity. My Chi has been so drained since I've been here. I wish you were out so we could live the bachelor life together. That will be perfect because we're so much alike. Yea with our hyperactive minds we'll create great things like free3 and the commune. We are like the mathematician in a beautiful mind.

I've been really changing our families' perspective on God, alpha and omega, Jesus, the power of the mind and all kinds of biblical/spiritual aspects. Grandma always compares me to Professor Nash in a Beautiful Mind. We watched it the other night and I related so much! So I got kind of sketched when I saw that he got schizophrenia haha but it's all about equalizing and balancing out the over firing neurons when that super power called our manias isn't necessary, but our neurons are over firing for a reason. I believe it's just the new children coming being hyperactive because of the quickening. Time is speeding up and the frequencies are rising. Our extensions of source consciousness are returning back to the center point after this veering out like the flower of life. Life is all about expansion and contraction... Duality to unity.

Some are trapped in the illusion of separateness and are so corrupt. We heard Earth's call for help and that's why us Indigo, Crystal and Rainbow children came here. To help the full essence of our Source to return back home. It is the end of days, the last dispensation. It's the Golden Age, the age of enlightenment, the second coming, Armageddon, the apocalypse, whatever you may call it. We have gone through cycles of consciousness to evolve. The veil getting thicker at sometimes, bringing more darkness, then Jesus, Noah, Enoch, Abraham, Moses and Joseph Smith bring back the light. This time all of the ascended masters, divinities, ET's and any high frequency souls are coming to radiate love and unity to help people come together again and remember who they truly are and what is in their hearts past the distraction of the man through the media like the mark of the beast. It's a battle good against evil and that is why we have hyperactive minds so that we can think more out of this reality, more in the cosmos, getting revelation, creating new patterns to manifest the new earth and our kin's ascension and resurrection.

I love you so much dad and I am so excited to see you again and feel accepted, supported, secure and at home again. You have to come to Maui with me! It is so amazing there I'm so excited to see what we will create for ourselves in the future! Our fore ordination is miraculous and we are going to change the world for the better.

I'm so glad you're doing so great in jail and your trinity is so clear and pure. Keep up the good work and I'll be coming to visit you soon even if I have to ride with the Jac Ill do it. She's really not that bad, she has a good nurturing heart and she's in touch with Reiki, Source and Spirituality. I just wish she wasn't so damn flaky haha. Alright much love, peace and tranquility to you Aloha Namaste

Back In Maui!!!

2-14-13

Steve, Hey babe how are you? I am doing fabulous! I am back in Maui and back at the harbor! I love it so much I seriously would show up and work for free!

I am happy whole and complete! I unpacked some of my boxes and found the Sabrina in me... my jewelry, socks, hats, scarfs, fairies, etc... little bits of me that I had boxed up for 2 years... well, I am back at the harbor with my Sabrina on. They only saw the Samantha (you know, "Bewitched" my watched sitcom series I owned and watched nightly along with "Gilligan's Island" and "I Dream of Jeanie"... we are what we watch... remember me telling you???? Mr. Soprano, CSI guy, haha j/k... I love you) Anyways, I have jumped out of my closet... and am OUT OF MY CLOSET... yes dear, Keri at her mostest... you know the look, I will send you a pic...

Dallen has been back with my mom. That has been such a rollercoaster ride... one minute my mother is in acceptance of Dallen smoking weed for his medicine and then the next she's not. She flops like a fish on it. Dallen does really well on it. He isn't smoking nearly as much as he was. I honestly don't see the logic in making him quit using his marijuana for his medicine... especially when we have already got him oked by a doctor telling us he can see why marijuana would help Dallen so much... but that was a Maui Dr. and marijuana isn't a medicine in Utah... they want Dallen to quit his Mary Jane and replace it with pills that kill... just so everyone in Utah can feel good about it because of the bullshit legality of it which makes no sense to me how it can be legal in one state and then you cross a border and you are a criminal for taking your medicine and have a grandma that ultimately, just barely paid Dallen $200 to break the bong I had bought even right after she was telling me how expensive it is to have Dallen... I am going to be sending my food stamp card to help feed Dallen. The world is so messed up, but I am grateful for the help I can get to raise these kids of ours.

Kirah seems to be doing great as always; she does so well at Toni's... and Kai, I believe is full on ignoring me. I have called and texted leaving messages. Obviously he is purposely avoiding and ignoring. Ami says he is all bent that I left Utah and came back to Maui. I cannot imagine me being anywhere else. I know I am to be here. I don't know the direction I am to go until the very moment... I am loving riding the current of life by the seat of my pants and going with the flow without much plans for the future, just trusting that the future is already planned for me. To be in a state of allowance, to receive all that is intended (good and bad) to be the character I am to be.

My brother Matt is flying his sister and mother out in March. I am lookin' forward to that and Kirah wants me to fly her out for her bday which I will be able to do as soon as my taxes hit my account. Yes, I filed my taxes this year and because I am a mother that made too less to live off of, the feds are gifting me $6000.00 for my return... it is saving my ass. I am going to try to buy a car that has windows.

My new place I live at is in Kahana and it rains every night and I do not have covered parking. I really lucked out on my living arrangement... Jessica, the flower lady I was working for is my new roommate.

When my mother loaned me the money to buy my ticket back to Maui, Becca, (the chicki with the soul mate birthday of June 26th like all my other roommates in my life) informed me that her landlord was already pitching a fit about having someone move in with her... we were going to share a bed in her studio apartment for $300. So I called Jessica and she just barely was moving out of her baller house into a baller condo and was thrilled to rent the room to me. We haven't fully worked on a price, (she literary let me move in with no money ... I gladly helped her with her move and she is waiting for my funds to hit, God bless her)... its somewhere around $550 with some babysitting here and there. She has 3 kids. Two kids from her uber-rich ex-husband who lives on Lanai (that she only sees every other weekend) and then her 2 yr old is from her present husband, (relationship is on the rocks.) His name is Kai, go figure, and he stays here sometimes because they are trying to work it out.

I am so grateful for everyone in my life who is helping me along my way. I am finally happy whole and complete... Now I'm ready for the gravy! I desire a friendship aka boyfriend with someone I can fully open my heart to. I don't regret any of my time with you. All those years has made me who I am, and I love who I am... I am a wise happy joyful person. I have fallen and risen out of the ashes as the Phoenix has. It is such an incredible feel to have a knowing in so many things because I have been there and done that. And ultimately, whether you have someone in the space to love or not, it does start within.

Having someone in the space to love is just a mirroring of what one has in one's own space and I cannot wait to experience a friendship/relationship on a whole new level. I already am so happy and know when that relationship comes along it will feel so right on that whole new level.

Lots of love to you

The kids, even the nephews, always talk so respectfully about you and honor your greatness. I love that I was married to such a badass. Imagine what's in store for you once you arrive with the freedom to choose your path on the outside. Coming out a new man with love for yourself; loving others on a whole new level. I'm excited for all of us. Again, lots of love to you.

Aloha, Love Keri

3-1-13

Hey baby, I got your letter this morning. Thank you for writing and sending Dallen's letter. I really enjoy hearing from you. I love you and miss you tons and I am glad that you are happy. You are amazing and you can have any man that will make you happy. I am getting discouraged in here. I want to be done already and get on with life. I am nervous to see the board, but I want to get it over with and know my release date. I'm excited to graduate from the program so that I can work and earn money so that I am not mooching off from people. I am glad you figured out your taxes. Did you do 2012 & 2013 or just 2013? Love you, Steve

3-5-14

So today you see the board... I love that Kai made sure to be there for you with Dallen... Dallen wish he could see you more often. I am so very grateful that Dallen is closer to you. I am so thankful for Dallen escorting me to get me where I needed to be; here in Maui.

I look forward to hearing what's up with your near future... I received your postcard ... I couldn't help but to notice that your prime reason to get out of there is... "I can work and earn money so that I am not mooching off from people."... You deserve to be taken care of... think of all the people you have taken care of... "work and earn money"... you deserve a vacation from working... think how hard you have worked your whole life...

What is your passion besides working and earning money? ... Pretend money had no value and we lived in a world of communal living... people serving others by living their passions. When my millions hits, I would love to still work at the harbor, (I love my job so much, I would volunteer)... I love interacting with people spreading the Aloha.

What would you love to do with yourself serving and loving others participating in this illusion of our life... if money was not part of the equation?

Ultimately, you are in a perfect place to be gifted the time to meditate on what makes Steve happy? If you were on an island, or in the mountains, what can you see yourself doing? Are you surrounded by your kids? Are you visiting others on the island talking story? Maybe reminiscing of your crazy times, but instead retelling the stories this time with wisdom obtained from the path traveled... its helpful sharing wisdom with others... you are an extremely intelligent man... after this stint in prison/jail...(you lucky bastard)... you are going to be that much more wiser. You have been humbled. Now you just need to work on loving yourself.

Energy is moving fast: learn lesson asap...thank the lesson learned... shift happens...awe...back on track with desires ... raise the vibration and watch the manifestation.

Speaking of raising vibration and watching manifestation... Dallen and my mother don't know yet... but... I traded my car with no windows in for a...jeep!!!

I prayed and said, "Lord, if it is meant to be, it will be... If they are able to finance, I will not say no and I will trust the Universe is focused on me and the Universe will provide abundance for me to pay my bills."

Well, for $3500 along with my car as a down ... I pay $520ish a month!@#$%

I know... but I told the Universe, if they said yes, I would too...

In the end, I am paying a 24% interest for this 2007 Jeep Wrangler which if I kept for the entire loan, I would be paying $37,000ish for this fun ride of mine that I have always wanted and pictured myself in.

I needed a car with windows... and I'm not going to buy just any car with windows.

Anyways, life is good... the state of Utah garnished my taxes... ya they were trying to sue me for both the children... I am a Mother in Need on Hawaii assistance with Dallen but when my mother reported Kirah needing cash benefit while living with her, I guess the state of Utah thought they were paying her for Dallen also; even though it was the state of Hawaii paying for Dallen... anyways, I had brought it to my mother's attention to rectify the problem because I don't believe in the bullshit way of the "man" ways of doing things... afterall, I have always helped Mothers in Need without any expectations or pay me backs... and when the state of Hawaii asked me if I wanted cash assistance but they would sue you for it, I declined because I knew that you were not in a financial position to be sued for that... I figured I would just do my best to provide for our son... and assumed my mother would do the same for our daughter... it takes a village to raise a child

Anyways... the state of Utah was notified of their mistake for suing me for both the children a month prior to me filing for my 2013 taxes and they garnished my taxes and took more than half of my gifted funds from the feds... I was annoyed but stayed calm; notified my mother of the bogus bullshit; then called the state of Utah and calmly told the over defensive female that hates her job, "I just wanted you to know how wrong this is... you stole from a Mother in Need, I hope you sleep well at night"... well before I told her those last words of mine... she had said they would return my money in 4 weeks... I got my check 2 days later... ATTITUDE... it gets you miles... good or bad... whichever way you aim it.

Chance works at Ululani's with Elden... Elden has been promoted to manager shaver dude... Jade is flying out of here on Monday the 10th to go back to Utah for a bit... We all are going to drive to Hana before Jade's flight.

I am flying Kirah out March 17th-April 2nd for her birthday. I am very excited for her to come and to be able to fully focus on her without having any other offspring around. Total GIRL time!

My brother is flying out the end of March as well!!! I will totally send you pics.

And Dallen has a girlfriend!!! Im sure he will tell you all about her. She looks just like my twin cousin Jessica and her sister Karlie, which means she looks like ME.

My mother has filed child support from me through ORS ... it has infuriated me... it took my power away ... it dictated what I was to buy power away ... it dictated what I was to spend on my child (when in all reality I was planning on sending more... but towards things I felt were more important). Which ultimately took my power away as to what I wanted that money to go towards but most importantly it took my interaction away from my child... the gift from me his/her mother the deciding together on where and what we were going to do with the money. It takes a village to raise a child and all that we can do as a village is pull together offering our strengths without living in fear of lack focusing instead on all the strengths one is contributing supporting me & each other.

**Justin...**

**March 11, 2014**

How u Ms Keri how things going

Oh my dear Justin! How the heck are you? I couldn't be better! I have never been happier. I needed a break from the kids living with me; I could not do it by myself. It doesn't matter if the Mother in Need is 16 or 43... I do not see how single mothers out there do it. You cannot, well at least I could not work full time and continue being the over the top amazing home maker tentative mother my kids are used to having... nor could I provide the lifestyle they were accustom to living. God bless Steve. I have realized how henpecked one can feel to "pay for this pay for that" it seemed that's all the focus was a lot of the time. I am in understanding of how my behavior contributed to Steve's sorrows. Thank you for the lesson. But when one is so giving its hard to say no firmly and hang on to your money for what one feels is the right way to spend it. I hate how money has so much power... power that we ultimately give it... I am learning lessons about money... I have never provided for myself and it is a great lesson to learn. When are you going to come see me? Kirah is flying out on St. Patrick's Day! I can't wait. Dallen is going to be going with Kai to New Jersey on April 5th. Kai is ignoring me bcuz he is angry he thinks I am the worst mother ever bcuz I chose to come back to Maui instead of taking responsibility for my kids... which my kids are where they want to be and Kai needs to focus on the blessing it is that Dallen is in his space instead of focusing on how much it costs to feed him. ... But my dear Justin, how are you? Lots of love

Ya I'm good Ms. Keri ... Still coaching and started a lil business wit my friend.. Ya ms I'm glad u happy at this point at ur life u deserve it .. I kno u not custom to living how u are now .. But money not everything tho ... I feel u and Steve was together for so long and been so much it's only matter of time for someone through n towel ... That's u was hanging on because of the kids .. Which y'all still can be good parents to Dallen and Kirah (my stinker) even though she almost tall as me now lol.. I'm sure Steve has time to reflect also on situation as well ... Kai going be alright tho prob a lot pressure take care of his family and Dallen at same time ... But that's what Steve did for him tho now he sees now ... Ya I'm come there I just don't know when yet... Love u Ms Keri. Take care

Letters to Close With

3- 4-14

So I heard a story about a boy that asked his dad what to look for in a woman and his dad told him to worry about being the man that a dad will tell his daughter to look for in a man and everything will fall into place for him. I realize how true that is and I'm sorry I didn't spend more time understanding that concept. I'm sorry that I didn't have a father figure that taught me how to treat a woman, to treat a wife, to treat and respect a best friend, a co parent and especially how to treat the mother of my children. Thank you for being amazing at all of your roles. Sorry it took until it was too late for these lessons to matter. I love you just the way you are and hope you find true happiness and love.

3-19-14

So I got your letter yesterday morning that was nice. Thank you for your words. I really value your words and your praise. It really makes my day when I get mail from you so thank you for that, I'm glad that you got your taxes, I hope that helped. I saw the pic of your jeep, it is awesome. I am so glad that you were able to get it. At that interest rate though I would pay it off as quickly as you can. I'll bet even paying an extra $100-$200 a month when you can afford it would drop it a lot.

So I have not got my date yet. I am a little worried about it, but mostly cause it is the unknown. I'm sure I will be out between February and August next year as my original date and that is before any time cuts for completing the program. People have been getting between 30 days and 6 months. It would be nice if my date was February of 2015 and I got a 3 month time cut because that would get me out before Thanksgiving and Christmas next year which would be awesome.

I understand what you are saying about taking a break from work and taking care of myself, but I have been locked up for 401 days today and enough is enough. I realize what's what and I am ready to use it in the real world.

I'm excited for Kirah Dawn to spend some time with you. I have been worried about her not having her daddy. I want to get out of here and be there for the kids and the grand kids.

Thank you for everything darling. I love you tons and want the best for you. I will talk to you soon. Love Steve

4-4-14

Hey darling, Dallen was sad that he hasn't heard from you... he has a new number so you don't have to go through Kai... its XXX-XXX-XXXX... I told him to write you and he said "just tell dad to call me"...

Which brings me to your comment, "I'm ready to use it in the real world" ... let's start living "as if" right now... you need to call your son once a week (his request) ... I would write Kirah at least once a week... take this time to continue to father and develop your relationships with your children... even reaching out to Sidnee and Brandon... even if they are letters not sent ... but letters that you write if only to send the loving thoughts their way which brings you in a better relationship with you in that area as well... Kai was enjoying the weekly phone calls, keep it up... start there, and do what is most important to you Now... Now that you are in freedom of choice of what you are doing... almost a blessing that there isn't so many distractions so that you can focus on your children... thank you for the lesson on that darling... thank you for teaching me how to occupy my time with productive actions and thoughts within my walls of freedom... everything is a choice of how we are going to get through things... I have struggled with patience. By always having to wait for you, I got real good with making the choice of what I am going to do while I wait... sometimes being hours... which compared to a prison sentence, is so minute... but you do receive tenfold of what you put out... and you have made a lot of people wait for your highness... speaking softly darling... but as I would think what would Jesus do? I remember being taught ... if Jesus was to show up at your doorstep right now... would you be ready to go? ... well looking around my house, I would want to offer him a clean house to host him in so that is how my house was always clean and my chores/shit was always done, with time to spare in most cases waiting on you... but I was available for so many to stop by unexpected and offer so many stories from my experience, sharing my wisdom with those that Jesus has put in my space... Darling, prison is on a much lower flying disc than Farm Circle, that fairylicious home you provided for us... but truly, you have choice as to what you are spending your time doing and what you are focusing on... who is in your space right now??? I'm sorry that your vibration had gotten that low that you are now amongst others who are matching your vibration ... look at those around you as the blessing they are to you... the lesson to learn... Who is the teacher??? Who is the student??? I just finished Elisabeth Smart's story... she wrote it with Chris Stewart... if you can receive books I would love to send you it... it was so amazing to hear how she survived it... kidnapped at 14 out of her parents window by knife... starved tortured and raped every day for 9 months... how does she go on? How did she deserve this? How did she survive it? Well she tells you... 9 months of pure torture doesn't even compare to all the glorious months she has had and continues to have ... she was able to keep her thoughts positive, focusing on the love of her mother God and family. And you know what else she admits to... she admits having a conversation with God to be an example to others and to really be someone of importance... well dear darling... your son Dallen had told me of his similar conversation with the Universe... he said life was always given to him and he wanted to make a difference in this world and knew he had to experience something pretty gnarly and he is so grateful for the ride.

Thank you for so many lessons. Take the lessons you have learned and apply them ... love yourself... love others. By loving others... even fellow inmates... you are loving you... you are no better than they... darling, even I had to get my royal highness ass humbled... I used to fear homeless dirty people... just as much as you feared inmates... we are all one and lets learn from our journey, ditch the fucking programs that our parents and others have programmed into us... get real with yourself, dig yourself, embrace yourself... and in doing so, you will get real with others, dig others, and embrace others.

Larry is one of my favored friends from the harbor. He is the homefree friend that serenades me. Thespian at its best!

I had sent this picture of Larry (Larry wearing a shirt with "YOU MAD BRO?") to Kai because that kid was still ignoring me because of his upset of me leaving... his abandonment and rejection issues in his face hard core, I get it... but niggah please... so, I finally got a response after this one... he was able to vent and I was able to send unconditional love regardless...

The boys are great! Chance has arrived with Olek arriving as Jade departed. I love having them here. I am very thankful for the love they all shower on me. ... Chance is sporting a bald head!!! Ya remember how the boyz had too much fun cutting his hair?

I picked up Kirah on St. Patricks Day. We had a great visit. At first it was pretty gnarly... we had to share a bedroom... and you know how I like to make my bed every day and how Kirah does not like to make her bed every day and we were sharing a bed and a room... Fine tuning at its best... thank you Kirah... I did not lose my temper ...much...

By the end of the stay she had bonded with my dear friend Anna who speaks my language and by accepting it with Anna, she was able to shift and accept it in me and also with in herself.

We were able to go out to eat with Pati for Kirah's birthday! LOVE MY LITTLE KRISSY

Dallen has glasses these days... He is blind in one eye and perfect vision in the other.

OUR BOYS ARE OFF TO JERSEY!!!

And Elden is looking good and doing great!

KIRAH HAS GROWN INTO A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN!

Had a great visit... to sum it up... we both shifted in a beautiful way. Kirah was able to see me through new eyes. And I was able to stand strong with who I am, owning who I am, owning my truth with everything down to my style. It felt good to not care what anyone thinks and was a great example to her for her to find love for herself instantaneously as I myself shift... energy is energy and it is just like your mother taught me... by me healing and shifting my energy within, it heals ancestors of old and generations to come in that instant. ... Much love Darling

ALOHA

Final Words

April 29, 2015

As I sit in Kona for my 45th birthday, I reflect on what has transpired in this last year... it definitely has been a year of fine tuning... Life for me is not much different... I still work at the harbor... both my kids live with me once again... I am still a single mother striving to make ends meet ... but the difference of awareness makes the ongoing ride of this thing called Life make a lot more sense when you ride in a state of allowance, consciously focused on the NOW... I finally understand what "Groundhog Day" means... cycles will continue to repeat ... energies will continue to spin... I am riding this wave as an audience member in a state of allowance and observing a pattern... "Groundhog Day"... But this time... I am going to follow my heart instead of my head... I'm not going to force what I desire... I am going to trust that my desire is known and be in a state of allowance watching the Universe deliver all my desires in a better way that I could even imagine... I am going to continue the ride loving everyone that enters my space... I have come to the understanding that love IS all we need... My new "aha"... I really do believe this world is stepping into the feminine power of nurture and love... let us all get over the past... I am grateful for the lessons ... from here on out... I am stepping into my feminine power... I am here to love all unconditionally... after all, we can only lead by example... to know the end, we must know the beginning... chicken or the egg... I was telling my dear cousin the other day when she was asking for advice on keeping her young hottie... "These men... no matter the age... are just looking for nurture and love ... as long as you keep it fun and all about nurturing and loving them... no nagging... you can keep a man forever"... This is what it is... these men are no different than our own boys we are raising, nurturing and loving ... then these boys start dating girls that are just like us girls, their mother... who have daddy issues who don't feel safe being vulnerable to love so when we get together with these boys and our daddy issues come out... then there you have it... cycles have been repeated... "Groundhog Day"... so get vulnerable with love and always look at the man in your life as the boys in yours now at their best behavior moment... and when they misbehave... you completely ignore them and act happy whether they are in your life or not... so if they are naughty (doing something you don't like) you ignore them still being happy and nice... Because ultimately, I am not going to give anything outside of me so much power for my happiness. Love yourself... everything about you... the good, bad and the ugly and by loving who you are ... accepting who you are ... owning who you are ... embracing who you are... will empower us all to roll in a state of acceptance and unconditional love so we can focus on our passions, contributing to the village without keeping track of who is better than who... us all just living peacefully together enjoying this physical experience to the max."

The Four Agreements

Don Miguel Ruiz

Be Impeccable With Your Word

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own realty, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't Make Assumptions

Find the courage to ask? To express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

The Station

Robert J. Hastings

Tucked away in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long, long trip that almost spans the continent. We are traveling by passenger train. Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, row upon row of corn and wheat, of flat-lands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hillsides, of city skylines and village halls, of biting winter and blazing summer and cavorting spring and docile fall.

But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day a certain hour we will pull into the station. There will be bands playing and flags waving. And once we get there so many wonderful dreams will come true. So may wishes will be fulfilled and so many pieces of our lives finally will be neatly fitted together like a completed jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damning the minutes for loitering, waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.

However, sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly outdistances us.

"When we get to the station that will be it!" we cry. Translated it means..."When I turn 18 that will be it! When I buy a new 450 Mercedes Benz, that will be it! When I put the last kid through college that will be it! When I have paid off the mortgage that will be it! When I win a promotion that will be it! When I reach the age of retirement that will be it! I shall live happily ever after!"

Unfortunately, once we get "it" then "it" disappears. The station somehow hides itself at the end of an endless track.

"Relish the moment" is a good motto especially when coupled with Psalm 118:24; "This is the day which the Lord hath made we will rejoice in it." It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. Rather, it is the regret over yesterday or the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves who rob us of today.

So, stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead, climb more mountains, eat more ice-cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less. Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough!

### SHOUT OUTS

Huge shout out to my "Army"... First and foremost, my dear son Dallen and his buddy Justin... my dear daughter Kirah DawnDawn... My dear niece Zara and friend Jasmine, my dear nephews Chance, Elden, Jade and their many friends; Taylor, Junior just to name a few... These young adults were the best warriors for the job... Huge shout out to my sister Pati and her babies Serenity, Jason and my little Krissy... Best crew anyone could ask for!!! Who knew my small kine army would follow me!

Huge thanks to my dear sister Kdawn always helping me with transitioning. Lots of love to her husband Kevin, always willing to be a mentor for the nephews.

Huge shout to my mother and sisters Toni and Heather for always helping me with Dallen and Kirah.

Huge shout to Jeff my first friend on Maui and his bro Darrin bringing great jam sessions and always taking good care of us gifting all kines from their land... love my farmer friends.

Shout outs to my dear goddess friends Anna, Becca, Diane, Jessica and JoJo helping fine tune my goddess within.

Lots of love to my son Kai, his wife Ami and their babies.

But most importantly... Huge shout outs to my Harbor family!!! You all know who you are!!!

