The Middle East.
It's like the New York Knicks.
You know?
It's got major problems,
and it'll
probably be generations
before they're fixed.
And over the weekend,
tensions flared up once again
in the region
when Saudi Arabia's
oil facilities were attacked
by missiles.
And the U.S. and Saudi Arabia
are pointing the finger at Iran,
which means shit's
about to go down.
Crisis and uncertainty across
the Mideast this morning.
The U.S.
and Saudi Arabia facing
a big military decision.
TV REPORTER:
U.S. Intelligence indicating
cruise missiles
that hit Saudi Arabia
were fired from Iran.
TV REPORTER: Overnight,
Iran issuing a new warning
to the United States, even as
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
travelled to the region
to confront the crisis.
Yeah, that's right.
Mike Pompeo, Secretary of State
and satisfied
Home Depot customer
is flying to the Middle East
to confront the crisis
head-on.
I actually feel bad
for secretaries of state
because, you realize, they only
get sent to shitty situations.
Yeah. It's always them
jumping on a 16-hour flight
to go prevent a war
or genocide,
or, like, pretend to like
Kim Jong-un.
You know, just be like
"Hey, Kim.
"I love that outfit.
Who made it?
Oh, a-a slave.
Very nice."
And it's not even like they have
to go to these places in person.
Right? Like,
what is Pompeo doing
in the Middle East right now
that he can't do on the phone?
Right? Is he just
on the border of Iran like,
"You want a piece of this, Iran?
"Huh? You want this, Iran?
"Bring it! Bring-- Oh, shit,
they're bringing it.
They're bringing it!"
But despite there being
no casualties,
this is still a big deal.
These facilities are responsible
for five percent of the world's
oil production.
And that's probably why
Donald Trump is going through
all of his options
on how to respond.
NEWSMAN:
The Pentagon is cautioning
against striking Iran
but has given President Trump
a list
of possible targets there.
You certainly could strike
Revolutionary Guard Corps sites.
You could you hit bases.
NEWSWOMAN: Other options,
a U.S. cyberattack against Iran
or targeting Iranian ships.
NEWSMAN 2: On Monday,
military leaders presented him
with a list of possible actions
against Iran,
but people briefed
on the meeting
say that the president asked
for more,
that he was looking
for a more narrow response
that would not draw the U.S.
into a broader conflict
with Iran.
You know, if there's one thing
I appreciate about Donald Trump,
it's that despite raving
like a madman on Twitter,
he's actually quite reluctant
when it comes to actual war.
Which, when you think about it,
is everyone on Twitter, yeah.
Online, they'll be like,
"Screw you, Gronkowski!"
But then if he shows up, he'd
be like, "What did you say?"
"Oh, I was talking
about a different Gronkowski.
My friend Michael Gronkowski."
But Trump is always quick
to remind America's enemies
that just because
he doesn't want to fight
doesn't mean
that America can't fight.
NEWSWOMAN: Late Sunday,
President Trump said
the U.S. believes
it knows the culprit
behind this weekend's
drone attack
on Saudi Arabia's
oil facilities
and is locked and loaded.
Uh, the United States
is more prepared
than any country
in the history of-of...
in any history
if we have to go that way.
In any history.
Any history.
Is Trump talking
about parallel universes?
No, like,
what if we think he's crazy,
but the truth is that his brain
can access alternate realities?
Like, it would explain
why everything he says
is always just slightly off.
Like,
maybe in a parallel universe,
Hurricane Dorian
did hit Alabama.
Yeah. Maybe there,
"covfefe" is a real word.
And Frederick Douglass
is still alive.
I mean, it's either that
or he's a dumb-ass,
but we'll never know.
The point is
it's still not clear
whether America will go to war
with Iran,
which is probably confusing
for a lot of people,
because why is protecting
Saudi Arabia
America's problem to begin with?
Well, apparently, it's because
Saudi Arabia and America
have forged a deep bond
over their shared values,
by which I mean cold, hard cash.
There was an attack
on Saudi Arabia.
And, uh,
there wasn't an attack on us,
but we would
certainly help them.
They've been a great ally.
They spend $400 billion
in our country
over the last number of years.
And they're not ones that--
unlike some countries
where they want terms.
They want terms and conditions.
No. No, Saudi Arabia pays cash.
The Saudis, uh,
are going to have
a lot of, uh,
involvement in this
if we decide to do something.
They'll be very much involved,
and that includes payment.
O-Okay, so, is Trump saying
America should go to war
with Saudi Arabia
because they buy their stuff
in cash?
That would be
the worst motivational speech
before war ever.
Just like, "Why do we fight?
"Not for our wives.
"Not for our children.
No, because they pay cash!"
(screams)
"Sometimes Venmo,
which we also accept."
(screams)
So, this is a new day
for America.
From being a country that used
to fight only for its values
to Don King over here saying,
"If the price is right,
America gonna fight!"
And if that's the case,
you realize those army ads
you see on TV--
they have to change them
to be a lot different.
Are you a country
that wants to go to war,
but you don't want to use
your own weapons?
Do you have cash?
Well, the American military
is open for business.
Under President Trump's
new policy,
America's armed forces
are up for rent.
We got tanks. We got planes.
We got those guns that go...
(imitating gunfire)
And if you order
our deluxe package,
we'll even send you
the guys that got bin Laden.
What a deal.
If you got the money,
America's military will fight...
whoever you want.
France? Sure!
Your country's civil war?
Hell, yeah!
America itself?
See you later, my house.
Don't spend your blood
and treasure on pointless war.
Spend ours.
Supplies are limited,
so call today.
Michael Kosta, everybody.
