

### A Prodigal Returned

By Susan Dryg

Smashwords Edition

Copyright 2013 edition; Susan Dryg

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This e-book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This e-book may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

# Table of Contents

### Forward

### Welcome Home

### Knowledge Without Relationship

### Light in the Darkness

### The Jesus Movement

### Divine Failure

### Crumbs Under the Table

### The Anointing

### A Call to Listen

### God Speaks in Many Ways

### Resting in His Presence

### Reflecting his Glory

### Praying_the_Streets_of_Boulder

### The Vindication of God

### The Father's Heart

### The Fear of the Lord

### The Power of Forgiveness

### Who is Worthy?

### The Veil of Vulnerability

### Entering the Holy of Holies

### Refiner's Fire

### The Final Chapter

### Dedication

# Forward

Jesus continued: There was a man who had two sons The younger one said to his father, "Father, give me my share of the estate". So he divided his property between them.

Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything.

When he came to his senses he said, "How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!" I will set out and go back to my father and say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men". So he got up and went to his father.

But, while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.

The son said to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.

But the father said to his servants, "Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found". So they began to celebrate. (Luke 15:11-31)

While I was still a long way off, my Heavenly Father saw me because He never gave up on me. He had compassion on me because His greatest joy was to embrace me and to have me embrace Him. He ran to me because He could not wait for me to get to Him. He threw His arms around me not willing to let go of me and then kissed me with tears running down His cheeks.

I told Him that I had sinned against Him and against men. I could not look into His face because of my shame. I knew I was not worthy to come back to Him. I did not expect Him to receive me. I wanted nothing special from Him. I simply wanted to come home to Him.

My Heavenly Father did not demand an apology. He did not have the servants prepare a bath. He embraced me just as I was, even though I was painfully aware that I was dirty.

Then He had the servants bring His best robe (symbolizing a robe of righteousness), put His ring on my finger (symbolizing His authority), and placed His sandals on my feet (symbolizing that I would walk in His shoes where He was doing His works). He then had His servants prepare a banquet in my honor (traditionally Jews did not eat with those who were not forgiven).

He called me, "FORGIVEN"

And He said, "CELEBRATE!"

This book is an autobiography of before and after my return to Him, how He spoke clearly to me and embraced me though the older brothers became angry (verse 28) and did their best to run me off from all that my Heavenly Father had for me, because they saw me as still dirty and because they were proud to point out, "you have "history".

This is a book for all of the Prodigals and those who would dare to draw near to God. Your Heavenly Father longs to embrace you, to forgive you, and to welcome you home!

# Welcome Home

"Then He said to His servants, the wedding banquet is ready, but those I invited did not deserve to come. Go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find. So the servants went out into the streets and gathered all the people they could find, BOTH GOOD AND BAD, and the wedding hall was filled with guests."

(Matt. 22:8-10)

Dearest Prodigal,

I welcome you home, into the love of the Father, to sit at table with Him. Come. Enjoy the inheritance of the saints and know the Presence of the Holy Spirit.

Your heavenly Father forgives you. Come as you are. He will not turn you away. His heart is broken by the distance the enemy has made between you and your Father. Let Him carry you away with Him to sit with Him in heavenly places. Come see the glory of your King. Come smell the fragrance of holiness. Taste and see that God is good. Break the lies of the enemy [the devil] by knowing the truth that sets you free. Let His love cast away all fear.

Let me show you the battles and the victories. Come, know that you are where you are because the enemy knows how much effect you will make in the Kingdom of God if the lies he has spoken over you are broken. But be aware that as you come, the enemy that has kept you locked up and useless will put up a fight. He will put up a fight because he hates to lose and because of how dangerous it would be for you to get away from him to become empowered by the Spirit of the Living God. The enemy is frightened of your potential in God! The enemy cannot afford to have you know how much your Heavenly Father really does love you!

I embrace you in my heart and in my prayers. I welcome you back. Come and let me show you through the eyes of a prodigal returned how much He really cares. Come! Walk out of the desert and into the land of promise. Come!

### My prayer for you:

"O, God, set them free! Father, let them know that they can come home! Draw them by Your Holy Spirit into Your gentle and tender arms of love. Bring them to sit for the first time upon Your lap, to touch Your face, and to look into Your eyes that long to comfort and heal. Pour out Your heart to them, Lord, until they become jealous for all the inheritance that is theirs so that Your zeal consumes them!

Lord Jesus, let your people know Your awesome beauty and the splendor of Your Holiness. Let them know that You are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Allow them to see Your glory and power at work in their lives, to know Your voice, to walk in Your ways. Emmanuel [Hebrew], You are with us. Jehovah Raphah [Hebrew], You heal us. Jehovah Jireh [Hebrew], You continue to provide for us as You always have.

Lord Jesus, let these testimonies bring honor and glory to You alone in order to encourage the weary, fill the fallen with desire to seek Your face, bring light into the darkness of those who lack hope, strengthen those who have been walking with You through both favorable and unfavorable times, and to disclose the truth about Your overwhelming love for each of them. Cause those who read this book to become aware that these things do not happen to "special' or "chosen" people but to the humble of heart, to those who are willing to pay the price of pleasing You more than others, to those who simply yield to You as instruments of Your love.

Lord Jesus, give me the courage to be utterly honest, vulnerable, and genuine in my openness about what You have done through these years so that they may see that a sinner saved by the blood of the Lamb of God can be forgiven, restored, and empowered. Let it bring back zeal to their hearts for their God and to know anew the love of the Father. Have Your Holy Spirit breathe upon this sacrifice of thanksgiving. Breathe life into it and then breathe life back out of it into the lives of those You love. Bring laughter, tears, warmth, love, renewed energy, healing, faith, overwhelming peace, surrender, forgiveness, and commitment deep within their hearts for You.

This one thing I ask of You, Lord, this is what I seek, that they may dwell in the house of their Lord all the days of their lives, to gaze upon the beauty of their Lord and to seek You in Your temple."

# Knowledge Without Relationship

Dearest Prodigal,

The reality of God is not found in the mind, with just a knowledge about Him, but it is through relationship with Him. Those men and women of the "Hall of Faith", as found in Hebrews chapter eleven, are all people who did not merely know about God but had intimate fellowship with Him. The relationship they had was one of friendship, friendship marked with communication, trust, adoration, and respect. God was to them as real as any other being on earth. They held their Heavenly Father in the most sacred and holy place of their hearts, wanting to know His heart, His plans, His ways. They knew that all of life centered on their God and that He was truly in control. They knew that nothing could stand against Him and that if they came into agreement with who He was and what He wanted to do they too would share in His achievements, victories, and joys. They would eventually see God be God in their lives.

There were times in my life where I would see God do wonderful things, even miraculous things. It wasn't until I moved from merely a knowledge of Him into intimate relationship with Him that a consistent activity of God, through the Holy Spirit, became evident.. That change from knowledge to relationship has always resulted in the fruit of the Spirit, desire to reach the lost, inner healing of past wounds, a tremendous hunger for the Word of God, desire to praise and worship Him, and willingness to give up my will in order to walk in His. But, because I was taught by my church to seek a knowledge of Him rather than a relationship with Him I lost touch with that reality over most of my life.

My desire for God as a real Being began at such an early age that I cannot say when that might have begun. I know that it had a lot to do with hearing the Bible stories in Sunday School by teachers who loved the Word of God. Those stories captured my heart right from the beginning and I was riveted to every word that was taught.

As we sang in my kindergarten Sunday School class, "Jesus loves the little children, all the children of the world, red and yellow, black and white, they are precious in His sight. Jesus loves the little children of the world", I began to cry. I loved Jesus at age five but when I looked at my very tan arms I concluded that brown was not one of the colors of the children that Jesus loved because "brown" was not mentioned in that song back in those early days. I cried because I loved Him and was fascinated by His selfless actions toward us.

At the age of seven, while walking by myself to the car from our little church on Sunset Boulevard, I became captivated by a yard full of beautiful flowers in full bloom. Butterflies danced from one flower to the other just over the white picket fence. The sun was warm and bright, but that day it seemed brighter. A warmth of the love of God radiated like the sun all around me and even within me for about two minutes as I stood there. Without spoken words I knew that God was filling me with His love. It was so obvious that it was Him that no thought to question it ever entered my mind. I merely responded by saying in my heart, "If You love me that much I want to love You to".

When that love of God lifted off of me I was changed forever. I was left with a very low appetite for the things of this world, because nothing compared to what I had experienced in His Presence. I was simultaneously driven from that moment by an addiction to His Presence. I constantly searched for Him and His Presence but no one seemed to know how to get there. I longed for Him but had no idea how to find Him again. My church would teach me that I should love God and obey Him, but it never told me how to have relationship with Him. In fact, my church did not believe that we could have relationship with Him.

Another thing happened to me on that day, something that I did not see or recognize until I was nearly forty years old. The devil took notice of me. A battle began. A darkness attacked me day and night, robbing me of peace and hope. Everything I put my hand to seemed to get ripped away either before I achieved a goal or very soon after I experienced success. I felt cursed but had no idea why things were the way they were. I knew nothing about spiritual darkness nor (as the Word of God explains it) the enemy [the devil] that prowls around like a roaring lion seeking to devour those who are Believers.

Something happened inside me on that day when God wrapped me in His love. I knew without question that He and I had come into agreement. From then on I had a burning desire to know this God who loved me so much. But the battle that followed, which I am about to share with you, has cost me everything. The religious teachings of a church that only came to a knowledge of the truth but denied the power of God robbed both them and myself from developing relationship with Him. Though we believed that the Bible was the Word of God and that it was absolutely true, we did unconsciously, and sometimes deliberately, throw out the verses concerning our relationship with the Holy Spirit. We, as someone has said, believed in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Bible. Because we denied the reality of the third member of the godhead I struggled, fell, sinned, was robbed of relationship with God, and was held in fear and failure most of my life.

This lack of relationship with God as a real person put in my heart a religious spirit of thinking that I was not as much a sinner as others and that those who had not received Christ were worthy of the judgment that would be theirs. The religious spirit does not love much because it does not know forgiveness, and that is because it does not recognize its own sin.

A religious spirit is one that knows a lot about God but does not have friendship with God. The religious spirit does not know the heart of God, His desires, His mercy, His forgiveness, His unconditional love.

The only people Jesus rebuked were the Pharisees, those who knew a lot about God but did not walk in the heart of God.

Our Lord says:

"These people come near to Me with their mouth and honor Me with their lips, but their hearts are far from Me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men."

(Isaiah 29:13)

What I am about to share with you is the ups and downs, the victories and failures of not knowing the Power of God, while at various times being overwhelmed by His Power and Presence. This roller-coaster ride was very costly because I was all along a prodigal and never knew it. I did not see the distance between myself and God. I had become a Pharisee. Though I was addicted to the love of God I had become mean and had no mercy.

But something happened that turned the darkness into an unimaginable experience with God the Father, God the Son [Jesus], and God the Holy Spirit. I pray that I will be able to find the words to describe it.

# Light in the Darkness

Unfortunately it is necessary to describe the darkness that held me captive, but I refuse to dwell on it. I want to skip past these brief descriptions because I no longer want to even look at them. I do not want to take other people there either, but I know that some things must be said in order to show the contrast between a life without hope and the one that became so full of hope. It would be criminal to not give it away freely to others. Some people need to know that they too can find hope and freedom from their own life of darkness. Others rarely have darkness in their lives but they have not experienced the depths of all that God wants to do in their lives. There is something here for those who seek Him and for those who hate Him.

Come on this journey with me. It is a true story. It is an amazing story. Pray all the way that you will not miss what God has for you here. Do not skip through it because where you least expect it the Holy Spirit will show up to touch the most precious and innocent child within, the child that your Heavenly Father made, the one He is driven with a passion to embrace along with His longing to see you return that embrace of Him.

### My Story

In Sunday school, each child had been given a plaque to paint and to keep. I was about four years old and I immediately treasured the plaque as the most wonderful thing anyone had ever given me.

I finished painting my plaque just as class was ending. I saw my mother coming to get me and I ran to her with great excitement in order to show her what I had gotten. She looked at the plaque, scowled, took it from me, and then washed it off and repainted it herself. Several years later the plaque with the little red bird sitting on the branch in front of a deep blue sky mysteriously appeared on my bedroom wall where every morning and evening I read the words on the plaque, "HE CARETH FOR YOU". Some time later the plaque disappeared as mysteriously as it had appeared.

To this day I still treasure those words, "HE CARETH FOR YOU".

My mother was in a demonic rage as she beat me for running across town to visit a boy that was in my Sunday school class at church. Bert's grandmother had given me cookies while I visited with my five year old friend. His grandmother was gentle and kind. I felt loved and safe. Bert's grandmother then sent me home.

When I returned home I saw my mother out the window angrily walking on the sidewalk back to our house with a yard stick in hand. When my mother, who was harsh and demanding, entered the house, she screamed words that I couldn't hear because I was so overwhelmed by terror. The beating had made it difficult to breathe. It seemed that she was never going to stop. To this day, at age sixty-six, I vividly remember saying to myself at age five, "Mommy wants to kill me!"

Since then, I lived with a reoccurring nightmare of being in a tiny cell where I would pull myself by the bars on the small window where I could see my mother walking on the sidewalk outside. I would cry out, "Mom!". She would turn her head to look at me. She seemed not to recognize me, so she walked on as I slid down the wall of the cell and sobbed once again. I would wake up and cry myself to sleep.

The years after that were riddled with similar occasions. I walked on eggshells, doing everything I could to never make my mother unhappy again. I had learned to never say "no" to my mother and to respond quickly and cheerfully to all that she asked, even anticipating what she might want of me before she could find fault with me. But children are not perfect.

The demonic darkness had beat me up all of my life and I was mentally ruined. I was governed by fear to the point that I had become a silent person by the time I reached my teens, only speaking when it was absolutely necessary, and even then my responses were "yes", "no", and "I don't know". The voice inside my head taunted me day and night, telling me that I was not worthy of God. The Accuser [the devil] discouraged me from all attempts to achieve anything. He created a "loser" mentality in me and filled me with self-pity. I was so depressed that I literally cried myself to sleep almost every night through my teen years.

The only time I ever said "no" to my mom was at the age of fifteen. I was sitting on the couch in the living room reading a textbook from a class at school when my mother stopped in the doorway of the kitchen, looked at me, and mockingly said, "Do you think you are mentally capable of watching the cake?" (I was to take it out of the oven when it was done). My mental state and her tone of voice triggered a defiant, "NO".

Her demonic rage came at me so quickly that I barely got to my feet before she was standing in front of me tearing at my face. Her fists beat at me over and over again while I held my hands up in a motion of surrender. For some reason I refused to fight back or even touch her as she screamed. She pushed me to the floor and sat on top of me, beating my face while I held my hands away from her and away from my face. I recall knowing at that moment that I was so much stronger than she was and that if I tried to defend myself I would surely harm her.

She was smiling a crazy kind of smile that I have only seen one other time in my life in later years. She was screaming, "You say you love God but you are evil!". These were the exact words that the devil constantly said to me inside my head.

She was enjoying the event and there was no indication that she would ever quit. It was not in my heart to do harm to her, but I needed to get her off of me, so I gently moved her so that I could roll over and get up. As I moved her she lost balance so that her head was about to crash against the pointed corner of the end table, right into her temple area, so I caught her just in time and then rolled away. I got up and went to my room where I laid down on my bed, but with lightning speed Mom came at me again, sat on top of me and continued beating my face while screaming words that never registered in my brain. I still held my hands up in surrender. There was blood everywhere.

Soon she got up and closed my door, ordered my younger brother not to let me come out, and went to the phone. I heard her talking to my dad who was at work at the steel mill. She said, "She's finally gone mad!", and told him he needed to come home.

When my dad got home he took me to the bathroom so that I could clean the blood off of me. All I said to him was, "She wouldn't stop hitting me". Then he held my head against his chest and wrapped his arms around me as I sobbed. It was the only hug he had ever given me (my mother had arranged for my dad to deal with his two sons and for her to deal with me. She was from the South and wanted a servant).

It was decades later that God showed me, as I yielded to His Holy Spirit, that if I had have harmed my mother as she beat me that day she would have had legal cause to put me into a mental institution and I would have lived out my life locked away. She had already spoken to the counselor at my high school before this incident and laid the groundwork for her justification to declare me insane. It was God, Himself, who kept me from harming her.

It was probably within weeks after this incident, though I don't recall at all, that I determined to commit suicide by stepping onto the railroad tracks behind the high school as the train went by around 3:30. A tremendous peace came over me as I walked toward the tracks, a peace that was not of this world. As I got about fifty feet from the tracks a very strong voice came to me from behind me saying, "I LOVE YOU. I NEED YOU. I CARE." I became angry as I turned around and yelled back at God, "If You care, do something!". He gently and firmly repeated it, "I LOVE YOU. I NEED YOU. I CARE".

And I missed my train!

Shortly afterward, I graduated from high school and went on to attend a Bible college affiliated with my church. My addiction for the Presence of God took me there. And it was good to no longer live at home.

### The Philippines

It was my addiction to the Presence of God that took me to Bible college. I thought that they would tell me how to encounter God. Instead, it was more knowledge without relationship.

Someone handed me a book called "I Saw Gooly Fly". It was about a guy who went to flight school to learn how to fly, but after a while Gooly found out that no one there flew, not even the teachers. But, one day Gooly took off out a window and flew. I longed to be Gooly.

In 1969, while listening to a speaker who had come to the Bible college, God spoke to me. I was to go with a mission organization that was sending young people out to the Philippines. I was not used to hearing from God but the call was very clear. I had been taught in my church that God does not do things today like He used to in the Bible and that included that God did not speak to us, but this was incredibly loud and clear and could not be denied. Though the call to go to the Philippines was very clear, I battled severely with what people thought. Who would believe me if I told them that God spoke to me? Besides, I was still a silent person. What would a silent person do half way around the world?

The mission organization seemed to believe me, but my roommate thought there was something wrong with me. She was very upset that I thought I was going to the Philippines when I had no money and I had to raise fifteen hundred dollars in about six months, that on top of the fact that I had gotten laid off from my job!

My pastor cornered me one day after church and told me how wrong I was in thinking I was to go to the Philippines. He said that my roommate had talked to him, that he knew that I was out of work and that I would probably not be able to pay rent when it was due. He called the mission organization and they called me. They wanted to know why my pastor did not think that I was a good candidate for this trip. I told them the truth and explained that the call from God was extremely clear that I was to go.

There was only one thing that held me together aside from this very strong voice that told me to go. About a year earlier I had read the life of J. Hudson Taylor, founder of the China Inland Mission, and missionary to China. I had never read about or heard about great men of the faith outside of the Bible before then. I was taught to believe only what the Bible said and nothing else, but this story of J. Hudson Taylor that was tucked away in the little library at the Bible college I attended had captured me. As far back as I could remember I wanted desperately for God to be today as He was in the Bible and that was what seemed to be true with J. Hudson Taylor. His story gave me hope.

"Learn to move men through God by prayer alone", were Taylor's words as he was all alone in hearing the voice of God to go to China. Taylor lost friends and was scorned by almost everyone he knew. He had to work his way to China on a boat in order to get there because people did not believe he was called of God, yet he paved the way for a tremendous revival in China. I was identifying with him and, though I did not know how to move men through God by prayer alone, I prayed as best I knew how.

Out of work and out of money while waiting to go to the Philippines put me in a position where I had to live on a couple apples a day. As I walked more than a mile to church or to the Bible college I looked for change that had been left in the change return of phone booths and news paper stands, or find coins on the ground. I lost a lot of weight eating only apples for more than a month, but as the Holy Spirit pointed out to me more recently that it had been a "God-appointed" fast. When I was eating apples I had no idea that people today ever fasted. It was funny too that as I ate apples I was very upbeat about having nothing to eat.

However, the disappointments with my roommate and especially my pastor, whom I liked very much and now felt uncomfortable around, caused me to move home to get away from the pain of it. Besides, I needed to leave the apartment and put my belongings somewhere else while I would be in the Philippines for six weeks.

Going home, however, made things worse. I was back in my old battle ground and my mom and younger brother taunted me constantly about my thinking that God spoke to me about going to the Philippines. They were Christians but knew that it was not possible for God to have told me that I was going anywhere. They told me that I was not good enough to serve God, that I was making a fool of myself and of them, that I had no business thinking that God could use me at all.

My mother took me aside and told me something that I hadn't heard before. As she spoke I recalled that at about age three while I was standing on the sidewalk at our house on Pontiac Street, as we were going to the car to go to church, I glanced at my mom who was holding my younger brother. At that moment, without doubt, I knew that my mom was supposed to have been a missionary. The words I heard were, "Mom was supposed to be a missionary". It was repeated several times. This is something I hadn't heard anyone say and I was stunned when I heard it.

But, here I was at home listening to my mom saying to me in regard to going to the Philippines that I was not good enough to be a missionary. Then she said, "Besides, God called me to be a missionary. A pastor offered to pay all four years of Bible college for me during the Depression, if I wanted to go. But, God changed His mind and had me marry your dad".

My dad was not a Believer when my mom married him. Biblically, this was in violation to God's Word. So, God didn't tell her to marry my dad. She WAS supposed to be a missionary but chose to walk in disobedience. Her story gave me hope because I knew beyond any doubt that my mom disobeyed God and that I would be in disobedience if I obeyed her in order to stay home, just as she had done.

I was constantly crushed under the weight of it all anyway and I prayed over and over again, "God, just tell me I am wrong and I will give this up. If this is not what you want I will gladly stop going this direction". The answer would patiently and gently come back every time, "YOU ARE GOING TO THE PHILIPPINES AND I WILL BRING THE MONEY."

I had told my roommate and my family that God would bring the money "in a dump truck"(in one lump sum) at the last minute. The day the missionaries were coming to pick me up I was still short eight hundred fifty dollars. My mother ridiculed me and huffed around in her anger about the whole thing. My younger brother ignored me. I was packed and ready to go, however.

About a half hour before the missionaries were to arrive I got a phone call from a young woman in my parent's church. "Meet me at the corner. I have eight hundred fifty dollars for you."

When I got back to the house the missionaries were sitting in the living room with my mother as she was explaining that I had not heard from God and that I was not missionary material.

I walked into the house with the check in my hand and not another word was said. I grabbed my bags, we went to their car, and the missionary looked at me, now frozen in my seat with the check in my fist and said, "Do you mind if I hold that? You're making me nervous."

I was not used to these miraculous events and so I sat there in a daze with the realization that God still did things today just as He had in the Bible. God did exactly what He said He would do but He waited until the very last moment to do it. If I had have backed out of it I would not have seen Him provide like that. I learned then that it was necessary to be obedient to the voice of God in order to see the miraculous working of God. I also learned that He has no need to bring the results until the very last moment. He is never late and His timing is as miraculous as the results.

Fear the Lord, you His saints, for those who fear Him lack nothing

(Psalm 34:9)

While staying at Good Shepherd orphanage in the Philippines something unusual happened. Some of the Filipinos were showing myself and a Peace Corps worker a nearby lye factory. Because I did not understand the language I walked a little bit behind the group. The Peace Corpse worker talked to the people in the group as we walked through the factory, went down some metal stairs into an area that was covered heavily in lye, a yellow baby powder fine dust. We turned right again and I lagged a little farther behind. As they walked ahead I cut a corner, not following directly behind them. I felt my right foot touch solid ground, my left foot rest on what felt like a cushion of air, then my right foot back onto solid ground.

Both the Filipinos and the Peace Corpse worker turned around quickly with their faces flushed. The Filipinos were speaking rapidly, making wild gestures, as their eyes got big. The Peace Corpse worker was shocked as he said to me, "You just walked across the lye pit! If you had fallen into the lie pit there would be no reason to get you out because the lye would eat you up!"

There was lye everywhere. How was I to know where the edges of the pit began (or that there was even a pit there in the first place). Indeed I had stepped into the lye pit! What held my foot up? Why was there no pressure on my left foot as I stepped there, except for the cushion of air?

This had the earmarks of angelic activity, the protection of God. I could have explained it away as incidental, but some kind of witness in my spirit led me to realize that something beyond the natural had happened.

The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him, and He delivers them

(Psalm 34:7)

The rest of the trip in the Philippines was relatively uneventful except that I had asked some wrong questions. I had ended up outside the main house without an escort one day to discover that big dogs stood on the dining tables and ate out of the tiny children's plates at the orphanage that I was sent to teach at. "Why do the children go hungry when you can fly the television to Manila to get it repaired?", I asked. "Why do the children only get rice to eat when there is a bathroom in the main house filled to the top with mangos?" "You have a chicken farm but the children do not eat the eggs or the chickens" "I saw a small child with nothing to eat crying as she begged for food from an older child, while we sat in the main house eating like kings!"

Soon, a teacher at the school sat next to me outside a school room and began to cry. She said that the orphanage got money from people around the world for the adoption of feeding a child. The child was told to write a thank you note to the donor and in most cases multiple donors. The amount of money was cut out of the letter. She said that the people who ran the orphanage kept the money for themselves. She said that she was one of many of the children that was raised there at Good Shepherd Academy and that she was not allowed to leave the orphanage until she had repaid them for her stay there. She was to teach the children in order to pay them back. They kept her school records and personal papers so that she could not leave.

One night I snuck out without the managers knowing it because the teacher said that there was going to be a prayer meeting with the older children and teachers. She wanted me to come and pray for them. The young people of high school age and up met in a classroom. The air was electric as they prayed and cried out to God to see things change.

It was a custom in the Philippines at that time that anyone who offended or embarrassed someone could legally be put to death by the one who was offended. There was little or no law enforcement on this small island. My life was very much at risk.

About a week later, one of the 20 year old adopted children of the managers had told me that he and his twin brother were the product of American soldiers raping their mother during World War II and that they were outcasts because they were half-breads. He was obviously angry with Americans. The one of them took me to a place to go swimming in a salt water swimming pool that had a large tube going into it from the ocean. Only he and I were there as I dove into the pool by myself, swam to the other side, and got out. As I turned around I saw that the surface of the pool was covered with jelly fish that had surfaced after I jumped in. I decided not to swim and we left.

Because of my inquiries concerning feeding the children, the people who ran the orphanage complained to the mission group that sent me there and the mission moved me to another island, "because your life is in danger", the mission group said. I stayed at the new island until our departure to Hong Kong on my twenty-first birthday in 1969.

He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God

(Proverbs 14:31)

# THE_JESUS MOVEMENT

The Jesus movement was in full swing in 1970. My younger brother led a Bible study on campus at a junior college and kept begging me to come. He would ask me to join this group called New Life for a prayer meeting in a mortuary on Friday nights. I had this image in my mind of a broken down haunted house. Why would I go to a mortuary? Besides, I couldn't imagine anyone being excited about going to a prayer meeting.

All of life's disappointments were adding up around this time. My roommate's words to me in regard to going to the Philippines, my pastor's frown as he condemned me without cause, my family's treatment of me while trying to trust God all took a toll. The way the spiritual leaders ran the orphanage grieved me, and my disappointment over the Bible college where I expected to see God be real had all soured me. I became filled with unforgiveness. My heart was bitter. I was lonely, depressed and had no strength to fight the demonic battles that continued to rage inside me. The devil still came at me day and night with darkness that robbed me of hope, even though I had seen God move in tremendous ways.

To get my brother to stop asking me to go to the prayer meetings in the mortuary I finally gave in, fully expecting that once would be enough. I became frightened on my first visit , however, because something was happening to my throat. Words wanted to come out without my permission. I had no knowledge of tongues and the Holy Spirit so I shut my mouth tight to keep the words from coming out.

Another thing frightened me. Everyone was friendly. One of the gals came up to me and gave me a huge but I was not used to being hugged so I stood there like a tree with my hands to my sides. I suffered from touch deprivation, both longing to be touched and simultaneously terrified that someone might touch me. I determined not to go back to the prayer meetings but a hunger for the Presence of God drove me there. I had sensed His Presence there and knew that I had to give it one more try.

Their prayers were different from my religious ones. They were not orchestrated but came from their hearts. People prayed for other people in the room and prayed things for them that they could not have known about. The recipients of those prayers wept quietly as they seemed to be receiving healing. Every once in a while someone would begin to cry softly and ask Jesus into their heart without anyone prompting them. People were full of joy and free. They had what I went to Bible college to find!

I would go to God and ask Him about these things. I was too afraid of people to ask anyone. I was too broken and frightened to find out that perhaps God loved them more than me or that they were special and that I would simply have to live with that. I could not ask my brother either, because he was not one in the Spirit with them. He didn't seem to get it even though he was a leader in the group.

I had never been taught that God really does love us and that it is His joy to embrace each of us. I had been raised on the wrath of God and the judgment of God. I was taught that God was sorry He made us and was disgusted to be associated with us. And that was the way I was treated by Believers as well. I associated God's love with the way Believers treated me.

As time passed, God kept drawing me by His Spirit with a desire to know what these people in New Life knew about Him. The miraculous answers to prayer that they saw, the way they prayed without religious words, the warmth they had for each other, and something that just permeated the air around them drew me to seek God for the relationship that they had, a relationship that was like that of Enoch and Elijah.

I was deeply drawn like a magnet pulling me in but my religious spirit and the lies that were taught me in my church, along with perverted religious training, had blinded me from seeing what was clearly available to each of us. I was crushed in spirit and my inner spirit was dying for lack of knowledge of the truth.

The tongue that brings healing is a tree of life, but a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit

(Proverbs 15:4)

Some of the hope and life at New Life rubbed off on me. Up until this time I had no heart for the lost. I had a condemning and critical religious spirit of self-righteousness like that of Saul before he met Jesus on the road to Damascus where Jesus renamed him Paul. But now my heart was being softened. It was the Jesus Movement and people were being saved daily. However, my best friend at the junior college was not at all moved to enter the Kingdom of God.

It was the chicken way out to search through my box of tracks that I was given at the Bible college (they were called Chic tracts but I called them "chicken tracts" because I saw them as the chicken way out of witnessing), but I cared very much for my friend Linda and wanted her to know that God loved her and that He had indeed given His life for her on the cross. I was too shy and embarrassed to talk openly to her about it. She had already pushed back some of my feeble inquiries into where her heart was with God. She was antagonistic about this Jesus movement. I was afraid of making her angry and losing her friendship.

As I searched through the variety of pamphlets I prayed that God would help me pick the right one for Linda, while not at all expecting God to answer that prayer. Then one of the pamphlets caught my eye. It was about a high school girl named Diane who had given her life to Jesus. Shortly after giving her life to Jesus she became aware that she would not live much longer. God had told her that she was going to die on a vacation trip with her parents. Since she had the assurance in her heart that she belonged to God and that she had eternal life through Jesus she was at peace about what was going to happen. Diane wrote out her testimony of who Jesus was to her and that she was about to die. She gave it to her best friend, another cheer leader, in the form of a Will in a sealed envelope to be opened only if she did not return from the trip with her parents. The Will stated that she wanted her testimony written up in the news paper after she died.

I knew that the tract entitled, "Road of No Return", was a true story because I remembered seeing this testimony in the news paper article that was placed on the high school bulletin board at our church some years ago. So I nervously took out the tract and took it to my college lab class the next day. When I handed it to Linda she took one look at the picture of Diane on the cover and turned white as a sheet. "Diane and I were cheerleaders together and were best friends. I'm the one she gave the will to", she responded.

I was stunned! How did God do that?

It was awesome to see God so precisely touch someone's life. It was one of those "million-to-one" shots that only He could have orchestrated. How could Linda have continued to reject Jesus in light of her friend's testimony? She chose instead to hate God for taking her friend rather than to understand that her friend's death was sacrificed for her sake and for the sake of hundreds or thousands that would read her testimony and come to know that God was real. She had rejected her friend's words to her.

I never saw Linda give her life to Jesus but as I have prayed for her off and on over the years I have been aware of how much God loved her and was still pursuing her. I also remember how God used a simple tract and a willing heart to touch her life once again with His love. He can and will use anything!

The fool says in his heart, "There is no God".

(Psa. 53:1)

About the same time that I gave the tract to Linda I had mentioned Jesus to a young woman who had a gym locker near mine. When I began to talk about Jesus, Mary would swear violently, kick the lockers, and slam locker doors. She made enough ruckus that one of the P.E. teachers came out to take control of whatever was going on. Though I had been gentle in my approach of the subject of Jesus, it hit a nerve with Mary.

Since I was afraid of Mary's violent behavior I nervously went through my box of tracts to see if God would use them again for her. I was still stunned by how precisely God had chosen one for Linda and again I prayed that God would help me choose exactly the right tract for Mary. I was drawn to one that I didn't like at all. The artwork and the title, "Somebody Loves Me", bothered me but I still took it with me to school and nervously dropped it in Mary's locker. I was too frightened to hand it to her. The tract was about an abusive father and a small child that lived in fear.

It must have been a week or so later that my friend Valerie and I were leaving Bible Study Fellowship when I became aware that we needed to go see Mary right then. My friend knew who Mary was and thought that it was a scary idea but we looked up her address in the phone book and drove over. Mary's mother opened the door and ushered us in without hesitation through a large number of children to a room that was Mary's. When we entered her room Mary was sitting on her bed with the little tract in her hand. She held it up and asked if we had given it to her. She said that she wanted to know more about it because it spoke directly to her heart and to the wound that had made her so bitter. She said that she had been raped by her father and wished that he would die. Shortly after that he did die in an accident and she felt that it was her fault. Something in her Catholic upbringing made this lie hold her in a tremendous prison of guilt and shame where there was no longer hope for her soul. We shared Jesus with her as best we could (we were not used to telling people about Jesus) and quietly left her there thinking about it.

Both Valerie and I were disappointed that Mary did not give her life to Jesus that night and felt inadequate about telling people about how they could have life in Him. I was still mostly a silent person trying to be obedient to God.

We didn't see Mary again until Valerie and I moved thirty miles away to San Jose State University as roommates the next year. We encountered Mary and her roommate Shirley living nearby as they too went to school there. Valerie and I knew that Mary and her roommate had no money and needed groceries so we went shopping, took the groceries to their apartment, had the manager open the door so that we could leave the groceries on the table with no note, and go on our way. Mary found out who brought the groceries and so she would come over to visit us briefly, always standing in the doorway with the door open. Just as she started to leave each time she would begin to ask us questions about Jesus. One time Mary came over drunk and perhaps high on something, but she still stood in the doorway and asked about Jesus. She tested us with comments designed to make us angry because she wanted us to reject her so that she could say that she didn't need what we had, but we just continued to listen to her and to answer her questions as best we could.

One night she came over very late and very drunk. After a short visit she left, but this time Valerie and I followed her because she seemed suicidal. We watched her from a distance as she jumped out in front of cars that swerved to miss her. She then wandered off onto a large lawn at a nearby Bible college and fell to her knees. Valerie and I sat with her and explained again that Jesus did die for her, that He loved her, and to receive Jesus into her life would cleanse her of all past sin.

There in the early morning on a wet grassy field Mary gave her life to Jesus. The first expression of the new person God had made of her was her amazement as she exclaimed, "There is hope!"

Valerie and I didn't know what we were doing or how to do it. We were in no way courageous, but one little tract, an act of obedience to God to go visit Mary in her room, and a willingness to overlook the things that kept her from Jesus brought her to the freedom she was looking for.

Mary led her roommate to the Lord a few days after that!

But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things and the things that are not to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before Him.

(I Cor. 1:27-29)

In the next year my worst nightmare happened to me. As usual, whatever I put my hand to the devil would snatch away from me, often blindsiding me. I was still mentally taunted by him day and night. The more I stepped out to tell people about Jesus, or to follow whatever God asked me to do, the stronger the attacks became. The attacks drove me farther into depression, anger, and unforgiveness. I was too beat up mentally to fully function. I was a social misfit. I had trouble keeping my mind on my studies at school. I was physically weary from feeling beat up all of the time. And I had no way of knowing how to deal with spiritual attacks. Worse than that, I didn't even know that the devil was behind this battle within. I accepted it as "normal" because it was something that had always been in my life.

While I sat in my car near San Jose State University I alternately laughed and cried. I had done my best but had flunked out of college. Every part of me was gripped in agony and my mind could focus on nothing. I felt like I was trapped in hell.

When I was able to drive I just drove aimlessly. At some point I found myself at the top of a mountain about twenty miles away, overlooking the lights of the San Francisco Bay Area. Thoughts of suicide dominated my thinking. The voice in my head dared me to do it, but I remembered how God had stopped me in high school, saying, "I LOVE YOU. I NEED YOU. I CARE." That voice was audible. I did not hear it in my head. I heard it with my ears. I knew exactly who it was and what He said. I remembered His gentle voice and the peace that surrounded me at the time. But now I sat in the darkness and cried for hours, too crushed to cry out to God, until I finally decided that I had two choices. I could commit suicide physically or I could commit suicide spiritually. To commit suicide spiritually meant total abandon to God, to no longer live my life at all, to have no hopes or dreams, to become a servant that has no mind of her own in the same way a small child just moves under the direction of a parent. I would no longer put my hand to anything without His direction.

I chose to die spiritually and gave up my will. If God said to do something and it failed it would be His failure. If God moved in a direction that succeeded it would be His success. I had failed to live my life and now I wanted to see what He would do if I refused to live it. That meant that I was no longer going to try to correct whatever came my way. I dropped all of my walls of protection. I would just become a watcher of God doing whatever He desired.

Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it

(Luke 17:33)

During the weeks and months that followed, everything changed. As I did nothing on my own, I was "extreme" in letting Him call the shots. I would not get out of bed without asking God what He wanted. If I didn't get a response I would get up and sit with Him in the Word and attempted to do whatever the Bible said to do. If a verse said to have the mind of Christ I would ask Him what that meant. When the Word said that I was to thank Him for everything I began to literally thank God for everything, even to the degree of the "ridiculous". I even thanked God for the ugly things!

What an extraordinary surprise it was to me that my life started to turn around. No matter what came my way I thanked God for it. When something ugly would happen I would thank God for it and it would turn around in my favor as long as I didn't put my own hand to it. I would hear God tell me specifically what to do and when. His voice became clearer and clearer. I would find myself in the right place at the right time and with the right attitude over and over again. My dad said of me at the time, "You could fall into a cesspool and come out smelling like a rose!" And he was absolutely right. I did nothing of my own initiative. I only did what the Father said to do, just as Jesus did in John chapter 14.

I thanked God for things I didn't have, things like parking spots and jobs and rent money and transportation. Whatever I thanked God for seemed to come through for me, but rarely in the way I would expect it to. In fact, it got to be almost a fun game to look for that unusual way that God would turn things around for me. I stopped trying to guess what God was going to do. In fact, I found that if I could guess how God could take care of a situation I could forget that one because God wanted to surprise me with His joy in it.

Pray without ceasing. In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. Quench not the Spirit.

(I Thess. 5:17-19)

As I practiced thanking God for everything I learned to ignore the voices of darkness. As I practiced thanking God for everything I came to realize that the devil never got any attention or glory. Only God got attention and glory. The enemy wasn't able to frustrate me while I thanked God, thus thanking God became an extraordinary way of defeating the enemy. Some people call that "spiritual warfare". In any case it was spiritual warfare where both God and I always won without a fight! I just refused to play Satan's game of getting anxious for anything or of focusing on the negatives. If the enemy couldn't get me to see that he had screwed up my life or my plans, and I went on praising the Lord, the enemy would soon stop trying to screw up my life and my plans.

I thanked God for the things I did not like about myself and began to see them differently. I thanked God that I had flunked out of college and He said to go to summer school in order to get reinstated at San Jose State University, So, I did. I thanked Him for failure and I learned that God allows failure in order to change our character. I called all failure "Divine Failure", thanked Him for it specifically, and then watched Him turn it all in my favor. I would just say to Him, "Here's another one", lay it at His feet, and forget about it completely or look excitedly for how He was going to do it without my help. He got great joy out of miraculously turning things around!

How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in You

(Psa. 31:19)

What I am saying is the opposite of what some people believe. Some teach, "I will have what I say!".

I never told God what I wanted. I never even decided what I wanted. The "I" was completely out of the picture. God was doing what HE wanted to do and because my Heavenly Father was doing what HE enjoyed I got to see HIS heart, HIS joy, HIS life in me doing it. I simply walked in what HE was doing. And life was so incredibly fun and exciting that my descriptions here cannot do it justice.

All things were His, not mine. My life was His, my job was His, my grades were a reflection of how well He did rather than how well I did. My time was His, my bills were His bills, my needs were His needs, and my car was His. Everything was so literally His that one morning when I came out to His car and it would not start, I looked under the hood to see that His battery was gone. I laughed as I said to Him, "God, someone stole Your battery!" It was a hilarious thought to me that God, who was awake all night got His battery stolen right out from under His nose.

I walked away from His car thanking Him that the battery was stolen and that because it was His car it was His to replace. But, as I had gone about twenty feet a man yelled to me from the other side of the parking lot. As he approached me he said that he had seen the guy steal my battery that night, he owned a gas station around the corner, and if I didn't mind he would give me a used battery free and put it in. Within a few minutes I was on my way in His car!

Well, I would have never guessed how that God would replace His stolen battery but He did just a fine job of it without my help! What joy filled me to see Him work this way daily. I saw His love for me in it. I felt incredibly valuable while incredibly humbled!

The fear of the Lord leads to life: Then one rests content, untouched by trouble

(Prov. 19:23)

I often hear people say to me that God moves in different people in different ways so I should not expect that God would work in a similar fashion for them. That is true, but at the same time, I am always aware that that person will not go any farther in their relationship with God. They do not live in friendship with God. God wants us to embrace Him and for us to let Him embrace us. His friendship brings His Presence and His Presence releases His Power. That is how He does what He does in and through us. If He is my friend and I become His friend I let Him be in control.

Abraham was called a "friend of God" because he did all that God asked of him, even willing to sacrifice his own son. David is called in the Scriptures, "a man after God's own heart", because he desired what God desired. We all can go there if we choose it.

God changed my major to Speech Communication when I returned to San Jose State University. This involved some public speaking courses but was mainly written communication.

There were days, in my total abandon to God, when I asked Him if He wanted me to go to class or to sit with Him and He would choose to have me stay with Him. Several times He told me to stay home when major assignments or mid-terms were on and I stayed home in the Word. Every time God said to stay home with Him in the Word, class was either cancelled or the assignment was postponed or the test was set for another date!

One day I had a debate due in my debate class. I knew almost nothing about debate. Fear would begin to grip me as I thought about being embarrassed in front of the class, until I gave it over to God. He had asked me to spend more time with Him and I did. I was not prepared for the debate at all.

Five people sat facing five others in the debate class as the teacher sat at the end of the rows. I sat in the only empty chair, farthest from the teacher. I had absolutely nothing to say. As each of the students gave their arguments, one side then the other responded as they took turns down the two lines of five.

I looked at the clock. There were only three minutes left and class would be over. This was our final! One third of our grade hinged on this debate! I was especially nervous because the teacher had been a four year scholarship student at Yale and on the debate team there, until she graduated a year early. "How will I pass this class?." I thought. Then I remembered that this was His grade , thanked Him for "Divine Failure", and accepted that if God wanted to flunk a course it couldn't possibly be a bad idea. After all, it was His grade and reputation at stake!

"Sue, I believe you are closing the debate for your team?", the teacher woke me from my prayer. I had no idea that where I was sitting was so strategic! The other side had summed up their points as if they had won the argument. I was convinced that they had won! But, as I started to open my mouth something happened. My mouth began to say things that I didn't know before this. I found myself quoting each of the people who spoke and in the order that they spoke. I was astounded because I had such a poor memory (and hadn't listened because I was praying) that this was not possible for me to do.

"You said...", I said as I pointed at the first person who spoke and quoted word for word what she said, "...which agreed with us". "You said...", as I pointed to the first person in our group who spoke and quoted him, "...which agreed with them" (this is not proper debate procedure to announce your own team's failure). And I went down the line. When I had quoted everyone and had pointed out how that everyone agreed that the other side was right, God put words into my mouth saying that the issue we were debating was stated wrong (saying the teacher had asked the wrong question to begin with) and it should have been stated thus...

Class was over. You could have heard a pin drop as students left. I got up to leave and the teacher said to me, "I have never heard a more brilliant debate!" (even at Yale?). HAH! Neither had I!

But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you.

(Matt. 10:19-20)

My grades were high that year but not high enough to get into the credential program (post graduate studies to become a teacher) so I didn't even apply for the credential program. They accepted 4.0 students first and then filled the spaces by going down the grade point average until two hundred fifty positions were filled. My grade point average had risen to a little over a 3.1. I thanked God that He was not in the credential program.

Two weeks after the great debate, I was walking past my debate teacher's office. She was also my advisor. She called me into her office to complement me on my debate again, "I have never heard such a great debate!" Then she asked why I had not applied for the credential program. I explained that my grade point average was too low.

Well, in spite of the fact that the application deadline had passed two months earlier for the credential program and that my grade point average was too low, my advisor got me in! She had gotten me in because one debate had changed her mind about who I was and what I could do! God had again turned everything around in my favor because I was totally abandoned to whatever HE wanted. I had thanked Him for everything so that He could make a way for His salvation (salvation means: deliverance, safety, soundness, ease).

He who sacrifices thank offerings honors Me, and He prepares the way so that I may show him the salvation of God

(Psa 50:23)

# Divine Failure

While going to San Jose State University, I worked in the Silicon Valley. The midnight to seven shift I was on was about to be laid off at Fairchild and the Lord told me to go to Monolithic Memories, a company other people from our shift had already gone to. I had a job within a month and our entire shift at Fairchild got laid off the same week.

While at Monolithic Memories, on a midnight to seven shift, the manager over my supervisor came in to introduce himself because he was new. A few weeks later I heard of a supervisor job opening for the week ends, twelve hours Saturday and twelve Sunday. I said, "God, can I have that job so that I can finish school and not work nights?" God said, "YES", I went up to the new manager to ask if I could have the job. Bob scratched his head, "I don't know why I'm giving it to you, but it is yours. There are about five people who have been here for years and want that job though, so don't be surprised if they are not happy with you".

Hot Dog! I had only been there a month and I was promoted and got a raise and had a better schedule. Randy, a technician, was not happy though, because he wanted the job. He left the company to go to Intel.

While working at Monolithic Memories, I started dating a very nice guy. I liked him and he liked me. But one day as I got into his car I picked up a tiny little sock from off the floor. As I held it up for him to see I questioningly said, "One size fits all?" He then explained that he was married. It was amazing to find myself responding to him with, "It isn't really me you like anyway. It is Jesus in me that you really want. Go some place where you can be alone with God and ask Him if Jesus is the Son of God and if what He says about us in the Bible is true. He will tell you what is true. Just ask Him." I was so used to hearing from God that I had no doubt that He would speak to this man.

A few days later this man came up to me at work. He had walked on the beach to ask God about Jesus and much to his amazement God responded! This man's countenance was very changed as he said, "And my wife and I are back together because of it." Isn't God marvelous!

A year later when I had finished school, I asked God if I could have the new opening for a full time supervisor at Monolithic Memories. I didn't hear one way or another, but felt peace about it. I went in to ask Bob's boss, Jim. Jim replied, "I don't think a woman could handle it" (how bold!). I had a twinge of anger but remembered that it was God's life and God's job. I went to my car and thanked God for protecting me from something (perhaps from Jim) and went home. There in my mail box was an invitation to interview the very next week with Intel for a supervisor job! I had forgotten that three months earlier I had submitted a resume at Intel.

I went to the three hour interview with Intel and God gave me all the answers to the questions. They were amazed. I was amazed. And I started working at a much bigger salary than Monolithic could have given me.

The path of the sluggard is blocked with thorns, but the path of the upright is a highway.

(Proverbs 15:19)

### The Devil Fights Back

My witnessing and all of God's favor must have gotten the devil in a tail spin. Before I started at Intel, I had no idea that Randy (who had wanted the supervisor job that I got at Monolithic Memories) spread the lie all over several groups, including the one I was to supervise, that I was a lesbian. When I arrived, I couldn't understand why I was being treated so badly. People didn't want me to touch them or even to talk to them. They treated me terribly.

After about three months, a couple of my key women went to personnel and said that I told them to turn "tricks". I had no idea what the term meant but was standing in personnel having to defend myself. It was frightening!

One of the ladies on my shift was much older and thought that she should be promoted to supervisor instead of me, so she sabotaged the computer equipment so that our shift barely functioned. I was getting asked by my boss why we were doing so poorly. I had no idea the equipment was being messed with. I was in a very uncomfortable position. I was not mature enough to handle this kind of multiple abuse!

Well the mess got much bigger as I took my eyes off the Lord and focused on my problems. I forgot that it was God's job and the accusations were against Him. I began to feel sorry for myself, became extremely lonely and oppressed, was full of fear every day when I went to work, and started defending the lesbian accusation in my head. I was single, twenty seven, and still a virgin. About that time my mother questioned me as to why I still lived with women (my roommate). People on my shift asked questions about why I was not married or why I didn't have children.

The devil had me in a corner filled with offense, bitterness, and fear. I left my college roommate and moved out to live on my own. Then a new girlfriend stayed over one night and I found my hand on her stomach as she lay in bed. Though I had no sexual response to what had happened, I apologized and broke off the relationship immediately, but I became so frightened that I might be a lesbian that I avoided women and started paying a lot of attention to men, thinking that that might resolve the guilt and shame that I felt. My prayer life dwindled rapidly. Guilt and shame controlled me. I felt unworthy to talk to God and was caught in a very tight trap of the enemy. The devil blocked all prayer with accusations and told me how unworthy I was and that God wanted nothing to do with me.

Then my boss showed up one night at my apartment and was drunk. He was big and strong and mean. He had told me all the awful things he had done to people who "messed" with him, implying that he would even kill anyone that got in his way, and I was afraid of him. He was not going to take no for an answer. I decided that I could prove to myself, and everyone else who accused me of being lesbian, that I wasn't one. So I gave in to his sexual desire.

There was no pleasure involved. It was as impersonal as rape, except that I didn't fight it. But the worse thing of it was that I felt the Holy Spirit leave. I know that the Holy Spirit never really goes totally away because God says in the Word that He will never leave us nor forsake us, but He may as well have left because I felt Him go. Before this, I had not felt the presence of the Holy Spirit. I didn't know that we could actually feel Him with us, but suddenly I knew exactly who left.

NOTE: I learned a terrible lesson: I had thought that God's laws and rules and suggestions were there so that God could maintain control over us. But now I knew that every direction God gives us is there to block the devil from having control over us and so that our Heavenly Father could have the fellowship/friendship with us that He desires so deeply. I also learned that the devil has one thing in mind and that is to hurt God, to retaliate for God throwing him out of heaven. The devil hurts God by creating distance between us and God, just as he did with Adam and Eve, because God desires most of all to embrace us.

From the time I started to veer in my focus of abandon to Jesus the devil started to take as much ground as he could get and as fast as he could get it! The devil raged at me with more force than ever and blocked my ability to abandon myself to God again. The devil knew where my "buttons" were and he went straight for them. I was helpless to defend myself against an enemy I could not see. I did not know how to get back to God and was convinced by the devil that I had been thrown into the fire to be burned.

The next day I found the courage to go in to work. My boss had already told everyone about our "affair" and had me transferred to another department saying that day, to my new boss, that he was transferring me because I was mad at him because he had called me a "bad lay". The new boss was angry with me because he wanted to hire someone else and got stuck with me. Sargeant treated me like I was a hoer and watched me constantly.

That was excruciating, but what was worse was that my boss said that he had won the bet with the guys that he could get me. Then he laughed as he said, "I just wanted to see a Christian fall". He and the devil laughed!

It was to be fifteen years before I would be released from this guilt and shame. In those fifteen years I could hardly pray because of my shame. I avoided women. I feared being in the same room with a woman alone. I became, for the most part, a recluse. I avoided as much contact with others as possible. And I lost all the joy and favor of God.

There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief

(Proverbs 14:12-13)

### Chris

During this very dark hour, I started going to a singles Bible study where four hundred fifty people went. There I met Chucky. We dated for two years. In that time I still struggled in my prayers with my shame.

I went out to a bird preserve in Palo Alto where there were walkways out over the bay.

There, a barefoot young man with blond hair, brown corduroy pants, a yellow shirt, and blue eyes came over to talk to me. He said that his name was Chris, that he didn't live anywhere, he worked at whatever job he was able to get, he sometimes caught rides on ships, and "Would you join me for a cup of coffee?" I was addicted to coffee but turned him down thinking that it was a strange offer because I had only heard guys say, "Care to join me for a drink?" Besides I was having a pity party and two's a crowd.

The next day I went out to the bird preserve again and sat at the end of a long walkway that broke off over the water. I cried out to God and my Bible fell open to I Thessalonians 5:17-19, "In everything give thanks". Then I heard God say, "THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING AND ALLOW HIM TO DO WHATEVER HE WANTS". I recalled that it was that verse that got me on track at San Jose State University.

Just then the boards on which I was sitting started to vibrate. Darkness had snuck up on me and I was out at the end of this walkway in the dark all alone. Below my dangling feet was about three feet of tidal sludge. But out of the dark came Chris. He got down on one knee and said, "I've learned two things. Thank God for everything and allow Him to do whatever He wants." Chris got up and turned around to go. I said, "Chris", as he stopped to glance back at me, "Thanks. I needed that". He said nothing, but disappeared into the night. I never saw him again.

A man finds joy in giving an apt reply; and how good is a timely word!

(Proverbs 15:23)

Chris' words were from God without a doubt, but the devil ripped them away as fast as they were given to me. My mind reeled as my heart was becoming more bitter.

Chucky and I got married on April Fool's Day, 1979. We were married in a beautiful chapel in the Santa Cruz mountains by our pastor, Ted Wise. Chucky was God's choice but my prayers and my walk with God had not gotten back to what they used to be. I longed for the fullness of God to return. Day and night that desire would not leave, but I felt too ashamed and unforgiven to be free like a child with God again. The devil convinced me that my relationship with God had ended. It broke my heart.

"The days are coming", declares the Sovereign Lord, "when I will send a famine through the land, not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the word of the Lord."

(Amos 8:11)

Was there nothing that I could thank God for in this crushed spirit of mine? Could I thank Him for this sin? Would I ever come to a place where I would be in some way thankful for this experience of failure? Was there anything that God could turn around for good out of this?

It was years before God was able to get through to me, though I continued to search desperately for the fellowship that I had lost. But when He finally made a breakthrough for me I saw that indeed a very valuable thing had been implanted in me as a result of my sin. You see, I was like the Apostle Paul when his name was still Saul. I would never have called myself a Pharisee. I would never have seen it. I had not sinned in any major fashion nor had I intentionally chosen to do wrong before. I did not recognize that I was a sinner before I sinned.

Apart from a few incidents, I had the heart of Saul. I hated lost souls, had no patience for those who fell short of my marvelous record of obedience, and actually had it in my heart that the lost were lost because they deserved it. I even recall saying inside myself, "Go to hell", to people who didn't want to hear the gospel. Perhaps I even said it to their face out loud. I would certainly tell them that they could not receive Jesus until they quit smoking or drinking or doing whatever it was they were doing. And I know that if it were legal to kill people for not believing in God I might have done that too, since I was murdering them in my heart.

I had originally come to Jesus not as a big sinner knowing my need for Him but as a little child receiving His love. I did not appreciate fully the hope of my salvation. I knew I was saved and did not fear death but never knew that horrible distance from God that was earmarked with death and despair.

But I now knew what it was to be a sinner, though I was one all along. Now I had to admit it. I could no longer condemn another person without condemning myself. I realized for the first time in my life what it felt like to be lost and without hope. The despair of being separated from His love, the fear of possibly never knowing His presence again crushed my spirit. I was taught in my church about God's judgment. Now I knew that it was focused on me. I never was taught to receive forgiveness and never knew that I too all along needed just that. I didn't even know how to get forgiveness, though I knew about confessing my sins. I confessed and confessed and confessed! And the more I confessed the more I felt lost!

Even in my crushed spirit I was foolish enough to think that the miraculous things God had done in my life He would not do in or through others because they were not worthy. I was spiritually perverted in my thinking and did not know the Heart of God. I did not see that our Heavenly Father longed to embrace each of us no matter who we were or what we had done. God would be God in any of His children if they yielded to His Holy Spirit!

# Crumbs Under the Table

### An Oak Tree

What a long fifteen years of struggling with my sin and wanting God to be real! Oh that I would never again leave Him!

In the summer of 1989, Chuck and I began to catch snatches of Ken Copeland on the television on Sunday mornings. It is embarrassing to us now to admit that we stood there and mocked him, imitating his Texas accent (sorry Ken!). But even in our ungodly pride the Holy Spirit snatched our hearts and caught our ears. "Wait a minute Chuck. I need to hear what he is saying. He is talking about the things that used to happen to me when I walked with God. I've never heard anyone talk about these things before. Here is someone who knows what I have seen in regard to God."

During that summer we bought many of Ken Copeland's teaching tapes. I listened to them at work while I did computer aided design. Chuck and I would both listen to them in the car on long trips. After a while some of the faith that Ken had was being released in us to move toward God. We began to see this faith bring results in our lives.

That summer I had my first dream from God. In the dream I was walking on a country road along rolling hills and came upon a fallen oak tree with a huge root base that faced toward me. In the root system were large gold nuggets, gems and stones of every kind, held together with some dirt. I began to freely take these golf ball sized jewels and nuggets from the roots. Then the dream ended.

In the morning Chuck began to tell me that he had had a dream that night that he was on a road by a bus stop. He looked down and in the snow were large gold coins. He picked them up. Then the dream ended.

Wow! Our dreams were so similar and we hadn't had anything like this happen to us before. We wondered what these dreams meant but had no insight at the time to even begin to understand them. "Perhaps we will be rich", we thought. But now we know that instead of being rich financially we were about to enter a time of our lives where God was going to make us spiritually rich.

In the Last Days, God says, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams. Even upon my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days, and they will prophesy."

(Acts 2:17-18)

### Ditch Witch

On one of Ken Copeland's tapes he had talked about a car on the freeway that was going out of control. He or his wife had shouted, "God help him!", and the car that had turned up onto two wheels and appeared as though there was no way for it to keep from going over immediately and miraculously came back to the ground and lined up with the road as if God had taken His hand and yanked it down.

Shortly after hearing this, my mother and I were driving on the freeway in Denver and the pickup truck in front of us with a trailer attached to the back began to go out of control. The truck and trailer slid across all three lanes of traffic from one side of the road to the other until the trailer carrying a ditch witch, a heavy piece of earth moving equipment, turned up onto one wheel until the trailer was obviously going over. Without thinking I screamed, "Lord, help him!". And just as for the Copelands, God grabbed that trailer and slammed it to the ground quicker than seemed possible in the natural. The truck and trailer drove on smoothly in one lane, while my mother sat for about five minutes, silent and white knuckled.

I had not seen God answer prayer in this manner before. I had seen Him do things but not with such power. I was astounded and wanted to get closer to God.

For You make me glad by your deeds, O Lord, I sing for joy at the works of your hands.

(Psalm 92:4)

### The Wild Mouse

While on a trip to Lake Powell in September of 1989, Chuck and I listened to Ken Copeland tapes. One of the tapes was on saying to the mountain, "Be removed and cast into the sea". I wondered if I would ever see God do much in my life in regard to prayer again. Would He remove the mountain (whatever that meant)?

We rented a pontoon boat and set sail across Lake Powell. At night we tied up on a sandy beach, put our sleeping bags out on the deck of the boat, and went to sleep listening to the forlorn sound of a distant saxophone under billions of twinkling stars. Some time in the night I was awakened by something crawling on my hand. As soon as I woke enough to realize that it was something I did not want to have on my hand I shook my arm quickly and heard the thing hit the side of the boat. Chuck and I got up to investigate and found a white mouse scurrying between some boxes. We knew we would not be able to do much about him so we went back to sleep.

When we returned the boat a few days later we examined all our baggage to make sure that the mouse would not join us in the car, took off to Mesa Verde, and camped in a pouring rain at a campsite. We slept comfortably in our VW camper van until in the wee hours of the morning Chuck yelled and jumped, kicking me from behind. He exclaimed that it was the mouse crawling up his leg!

I'm not wonderful when awakened in the wee hours of the morning by a kick and a holler.

Without thinking about it for even a moment I yelled, "Be removed and cast into the sea!." Then I laid back down trying to forget about the mouse.

Within about a minute Chuck and I heard the mouse screaming outside in the torrential rain. The scream could only have meant one thing, something was eating it. "I'm not messing with you", Chuck responded, speaking of me. We never saw the mouse again.

I felt bad about the poor little mouse and at the same time amazed that my prayer had been answered, though I had no idea what "be cast into the sea" meant. I wondered why things were beginning to happen. Why was God responding to my prayers all of the sudden? He had seemed to pay little attention to them for fifteen years. What was different?

Lord, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, 0 Lord. Renew them in our day.

(Habakkuk 2:3)

### The Banquet Table

Fall of 1989 came around and God had begun to speak to me, "COME, SIT AT MY FEET", I would hear Him say again and again. He was urging me to quit work and just sit in His Presence but I thought those kinds of things happened to "special" people or that people who said that God told them to quit work were really playing out their inner wishes rather than God's desires. I tried to ignore this call until I kept finding that I was walking around the building at work for no apparent reason. This was highly unusual for me because I was anti-social, had no reason to go visit with other people, and because I was a recluse and preferred to sit isolated in my office. But here I was wandering around and getting nothing done.

Then on one of my tapes I heard Ken speak of how we are prone to sit under the table and eat the crumbs that fall to the floor rather than sitting at table with Jesus. As he spoke, two things happened, I became very jealous of those who sat at table with Jesus while I got the crumbs that fell to the floor. And a fire burned in me to hear from God myself and to enjoy the Bible personally rather than just through others who seemed to live in His presence. Then I had a vision. The vision was of me under the banquet table in the dark. The following was what I wrote at the time of the vision.

### The Banquet Table

### 1990

I sat on the floor underneath what appeared to be a gigantic banquet table. There was a damp darkness all around me and the cold floor was not visible except for the faint outline of shoes near my bare feet. When I moved closer I could tell that the shoes were made of the finest brown leather, new and comfortable in appearance.

Just as I set out to touch the shoes I caught a glimpse of something white bouncing silently to the floor and beyond me into the darkness. As I crawled quickly to my left I found a larger than normal piece of bread lying between a new pair of cream colored cowboy boots with gold trim from top to bottom.

With a sigh of "thanks" the bread slid down my throat. The sweet aftertaste reminded me of a time long ago, a time when I sat with my first love to drink wine and to eat bread without fear or sorrow. A warmth came over me, such that I no longer felt cold or weary.

Just then, my thoughts were interrupted by a steady dripping sound a few feet farther to my left. I looked intently into the darkness but could see only another pair of shoes, these much like ballet slippers.

Moving closer to the dripping sound, I could smell the aroma of sweet wine. And without thinking I turned quickly on my back to catch the drops in my mouth. I had not known how thirsty I had been.

Someone must have filled their cup to overflowing because I drank until I could drink no more. My heart sang with joy and an immense peace came over me, a peace I had long ago forgotten.

It was coming back to me now. My mind somehow seemed clearer. Fear fled away and hope flooded my inner being as I remembered a day when I had no wants and laid often in green pastures by still waters that reflected autumn blue skies.

Then, something moved beneath my head, startling me so that I rolled over quickly to see rugged sandals under a pure white robe. To the side and above me a hand, scarred about the palm, was outstretched toward me.

My heart beat rapidly as I recalled how much I desired to return to my first love, but my thoughts quickly jumped back to the look of disappointment on His face the day I left and I could not bear to have Him turn me away. "Surely there would be some kind of punishment, a scolding in the least", I thought to myself. Also, I have heard voices whisper in the darkness that it is not possible to relive an experience, that we must not hope to regain joys of the past, and that God relates to each person differently."

The bread and wine had warmed the inside of me that had been cold for so long and I had drunk enough to know that I no longer wished to dwell in darkness eating only what fell to the floor from those who ate well.

My hand stretched out toward His and just as our fingers were about to touch someone grabbed my arm and a voice whispered in the darkness, "You are unworthy even to sit at His feet". But I put my mind with great resolve to the first time He put His hand out to me so long ago, when He wrapped His arms around me with a love that caused all the old things in my life to unshackle and a new robe of pure white to surround me.

"It would be selfish of you to leave us here in the darkness", the whisper came again. "It is more righteous to stay with us and help us here." Just then, the grasp of the hand around my arm could hold me no longer and my hand thrust into His.

In a twinkling of an eye I found myself sitting beside Him, clothed again in pure white. As a crown of gold was placed upon my head, He said to me, "UPON THE CROWN I HAVE WRITTEN YOUR NEW NAME, A NAME THAT NO ONE WILL TAKE FROM YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE OVERCOME".

As He spoke the name aloud, there was a rush of wind, all heads at the table turned my direction, and every angel fell on his knees with his face to the floor. We all held our breath as we understood that we were witnesses of the outpouring of His greatness. My mind swirled with inexpressible gratefulness and awe and worthiness.

The name He had given me was so holy my lips were unable to form the word and it could only be spoken by Him alone. It was a name that, when spoken by Him, rang out with such fullness that even the air was filled with its meaning.

And then He spoke it again saying, "I HAVE GIVEN YOU A NAME INTO WHICH ANGELS LONG TO LOOK. BECAUSE YOU HAVE RETURNED TO YOUR FIRST LOVE, I CALL YOUR NAME "FORGIVEN!"

As I took a deep breath a piece of bread slipped out of my hand and silently bounced to the floor between my new running shoes.

Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

(Rev. 3:20)

I have heard it said that a traditional Jew (as Jesus was) did not eat with anyone he had not forgiven and that wherever we see Jesus eating with someone or inviting someone to eat with Him it is an offer for forgiveness. As I sat at Jesus feet I began to be fed by Him.

### The Call

As I began to realize that God was indeed calling me to go sit at His feet, the company where I worked was about to lay some people off. The Lord told me that Jeff was going to get laid off, that Jeff could not afford to be laid off with two children and another on the way, and that I was to volunteer to leave so that Jeff could take my place (Jeff was a brother in the Lord and God was looking after him). So I quit with Chuck's approval and began to sit in a park in the sunshine and read the Word and listen to more Ken Copeland tapes.

Dearest Prodigal,

When I found forgiveness with the Lord, I began to see every sinner as a precious individual who had been trapped and tormented by the enemy. None, no matter the circumstances, is to be condemned. Not one of them is to be turned away from the love and grace of God. I cringe when I see other believers, especially pastors or leaders in the church, treating men and women that are so precious to God as though they were an inconvenience. I cry over those who have come to me asking why they are treated so rudely by those in spiritual authority.

I reaped what I had sown and God was not mocked by my treatment of the lost and wounded! Now my heart is crushed by the way spiritual leaders often devalue the prodigals who are beginning to return to the churches. They have forgotten that they too were once sinners. They have forgotten that they have been forgiven big debts and that God will require of them to pay their debts, just as He had had me pay, if they continued to make these precious souls pay. For me the cross of Christ has taken on new meaning! It has become powerful! It is exciting to be forgiven! It is awesome to forgive! Because I have been forgiven I have become an intercessor to pray God's heart in regard to the lost and for those whom the enemy has held victim.

# THE ANOINTING

Dearest Prodigal -

When I only had a knowledge of God but denied the power of His Presence in me through the Holy Spirit I was vulnerable to the enemy (the devil), and saw very little change in my life. That blinding spirit of religion made me cold-hearted and without consistent victory. My life was marked by a violent anger that I could not control. People avoided me, even strangers would not respond when I would say "hello" to them on the street. I was dominated by fear of people to the point that I would put my groceries back on the shelves at the supermarket and leave if I saw someone I knew, if they had not yet acknowledged that they had seen me. And the only arguments Chuck and I had were over why I wouldn't talk on the telephone, or why we couldn't have someone over, or why I didn't want to go somewhere with other people after church. I was deathly afraid of rejection, yet I rejected myself and others.

Without the Holy Spirit having His rightful place in my heart the spirit of fear had rights to the throne. I had been taught that when we are saved everything is in place and nothing more must be done. As far as life after death is concerned that is true, but we are told in regard to the Holy Spirit in the Word of God:

o that we must give the Spirit control of our minds (Romans 8:6)

o that those who are led by the Spirit are the sons of God (Romans 8:14)

o it is through the Spirit that we can call the Father "Abba" (Romans 8:15)

o that it is the Spirit who brought power to Paul's messages (I Cor. 2:1-4)

o the Spirit reveals God's love to us and teaches us all things (I Cor. 1:9-14)

o we are the temple of God's Spirit which dwells in us (I Cor. 3:16-17)

o we attain our goals through the Spirit rather than effort (Gal. 3:3-5)

o that the Spirit is the promise of Abraham (Gal. 3:14)

o righteousness comes through the Spirit of Righteousness (Gal. 5:4-5)

o we are to live by the Spirit (Gal. 5:16)

o that we are still under the law if we are not led by the Spirit (Gal. 5:18)

o we are to keep in step with the Spirit (Gal. 5:25)

o we are to sow to the Spirit (Gal. 6:8)

o wisdom and revelation come from the Spirit (Eph. 1:17)

o that the power of God comes from the Spirit of God in us (Eph. 3:16)

o that we are to make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit (Eph. 4:2)

o we are not to grieve the Spirit (Eph. 4:30)

o we are to pray in the Spirit at all times (Eph. 6:18)

o we worship God by the Spirit of God (Phil. 3:3)

o we are to share in the Holy Spirit (Hebrews 6:4-6)

o that the Spirit of glory rests upon us if we stand up under trial (1 Peter4:'l4)

o we know the truth through the Holy Spirit (I John 1 :20)

o the Spirit teaches us all things (I John 2:27)

o by the Spirit we know who deceives us and who is of God (Jude 1:18-20)

o both the Spirit and the Bride say, "Come, Lord Jesus!" (Rev. 22:17)

Before I knew these things I was insulting the Spirit of grace (Heb. 10:29) because I did not acknowledge Him. I did not know that the ministry of Holy Spirit would be more glorious than the glory on Moses' face when He had seen God on the mountain (II Cor. 3:7-11). But as I yielded my life to the Spirit of God everything began to change. My violent anger instantly disappeared without my doing anything about it. As I walked down the street people began to say "Hello" to me even when I had negative thoughts still running through my head. I would hear the Holy Spirit direct me to approach people in stores and on the street, so contrary from my running away in fear of them. The Holy Spirit even began to have me pray the streets of Boulder where we live, often telling me to talk to strangers. He even had me go tell someone that I loved her, though my heart would almost seem to stop just thinking about it.

The most evident change in my life as I began to yield my life to the Spirit of God and began to acknowledge His Presence in and around me was relationship. God loves relationship with us and us with others. God works almost exclusively through relationship. As I turned my heart toward the Holy Spirit I began to experience gradual freedom from my fears, the glory of God began to shine through me, and I was finding victory in being more like. Jesus.

But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

(II Corinthians 3:16-18)

# A CALL TO LISTEN

In Spring of 1990, a new friend invited me to join her at a women's meeting, Branches, where people prayed powerful prayers. I was still a recluse and only joined her to be polite for a day. After one meeting, however, I felt compelled to go again because these ladies were speaking similar things to that which I had heard on the Copeland tapes and I wanted to see it happen for me. God was making me jealous to know Him in the way that others seemed to know Him. It was jealousy that brought me back to Him.

It was painful for me to go the meetings. It took every bit of courage I could muster. I was different, not feminine, was cold and hard, wore jeans and sweatshirts while they wore long dresses and makeup. I knew I was very out of place and I could not be more uncomfortable. I also went with a lot of skepticism because I had been taught all of my life to beware of those people who spoke in tongues. It is surprising that I received anything at all from these meetings because of my cautions, fears, my hard heart, my inability to interact with people, their inability to interact with me, and the ferocious attacks of the enemy as a result of my going there.

Somehow God covered me and kept me drawn to this group of women where I was taught about hearing the voice of God and yielding to the Holy Spirit. I listened intently for any Scriptural heresy, having been raised and grounded in the Word.

But it is the Spirit in a man, The breath of the Almighty, that Gives him understanding.

(Job 32:8)

The leader of Branches would greet the women as they came in. She would smile and hug each one of them until she reached me. She would stand squarely in front of me and ask how I was doing and quickly go on. I'm sure that I was a mess but it was so obvious that I was being treated differently and at times offensively, that my friend, Bonnie, came to me three times and angrily told me that she was going to tell Penny off. Bonnie was going to go tell Penny off, but the Lord had somehow kept these attitudes from penetrating me, so I told her not to say anything, because it was Penny's problem not mine. But even though I grew and stayed for two years with this group, Penny always treated me the way she had from the start and it hindered some things God could have done in bringing healing into my life.

One time I went forward for prayer. Penny asked me what I wanted prayer for. I said, "I'm afraid of people". She talked loudly in tongues for about twenty seconds, then asked if I got anything. I said, "No", having no idea what I was to get, though my knees shook. She then looked for someone else to pray for. I went away feeling very unloved and out of place.

Now, with what I know, I realize that again this woman had brushed me off. She did not have the heart of the Father. She did not see what God was doing in me and how vulnerable I had to become in order to go forward. Now I know that the Holy Spirit was grieved at this behavior.

I will show no partiality to no one, nor will I flatter any man; for if I were skilled in flattery, my Maker would soon take me away.

(Job 32:21-22)

In spite of this treatment, God kept speaking to me, As we went through a book on intimate friendship with God the author's words struck my heart like an arrow. The words were, "God actively opposes the proud". I realized that most of my life I have felt that something was opposing me. Instantly I knew that it was God. James 5:7 says that God opposes the proud but that He exalts or lifts up the humble. Before this, I thought that my demise was because God didn't like me. Now I knew that I was reaping what I had sown. Immediately I vowed to God a commitment that I have not broken ever since then, "Lord, whatever You want, no matter the cost, no matter how painful, frightening, or humiliating. Name it!" I promised to never say "no" to Him again.

This was to be the beginning of all the rest of what God began to do in me and through me.

The Holy Spirit kept tugging at me to come into the fullness of the Spirit, which some people call the Baptism of the Spirit and speaking in tongues. I had asked for this experience several times but realized how inhibited I was. I was afraid to be in vulnerable situations and knew that I was not able to allow the Holy Spirit the freedom to do what He needed to do in me to bring this about. So, I broke open a bottle of champagne that was left over from New Years, some horrible stuff that tasted like dish water. Then I proceeded to drink as much of it that I could. It tasted so bad, however that I poured over half the bottle down the sink.

The champagne made me very sleepy so I decided that I would take a nap since nothing had happened for me so far. I awoke from my nap hearing a voice. As I woke up fully I realized that the non-English words were coming out of my own mouth. I had asked God to have me awake speaking in tongues and there it was! In fact I could not speak in English for about forty-five minutes!

I was nauseated from the champagne, however, and sat on the bathroom floor between the tub and the toilet. I kept trying to say "Jesus is Lord" and "Jesus has come in the flesh", words I understood to be things devils would never say. It took some effort to speak in English but as soon as I said those words the tongues would continue.

By the way, I do not recommend coming into the Spirit this way, now that I know more about how much the enemy wishes to take hold of every opportunity to take control of our lives.

A week or so later, while praying for Boulder, I decided to pray in tongues quietly out loud. As I came around a corner and my eyes landed on the adult video store the tongues went into weeping.

For the ear tests words as the tongue tastes food. Let us discern for ourselves what is right; let us learn together what is good.

(Job 34:3-4)

When I told one of the leaders of this women's group about my new joy in the Lord and speaking in tongues she responded with, "Don't feel bad when the joy goes away". I was outraged but kept silent. "Go away? Not feel bad? How could anyone not feel bad if it goes way? Why does it have to go away? I just got it!" My thoughts went wild. Right then I determined to never let it go away, to seek God to show me how to keep it, and to have even more of it.

In my past experiences when I had come home from high school Bible camps all fired up for God, people would say the same thing and I would just let go of the joy, give up hope and believe them. And it went away almost immediately. This time, however, I was determined not to allow that to happen.

I had dreamed all my life that God should be and would be very real in our lives. I would lay in the sunshine on the back lawn as a child and think about how God used to be in the Bible and wish that He spoke to us today and did miracles today. As a child I would read my Bible always hoping that some day it would happen in my life as it did for Elijah and Enoch and others. Now I was not letting go of this new treasure that God had given me!

Today I know that it doesn't have to go away. Today I can say that instead of not feeling bad when it goes away we should indeed feel bad when it goes away because it is our inheritance in Christ Jesus, the victory of the Cross, and the promise of Abraham.

He will be a sure foundation for our times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure.

(Isaiah 33:6)

It wasn't long before my mother found out that I spoke in tongues. She was very religious and had been taught against tongues for years, just as I had been. She wrote me a letter in which she stated that she was giving my inheritance to Christian radio because I spoke in tongues. This was her way of punishing me for "straying from the faith" as she knew it.

At least my inheritance went for a good cause!

Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!

(Isaiah 30:18)

### The Heart of God

Soon after coming into the fullness of the Spirit I began to be awakened in the night to pray for a woman that I barely knew and had little warmth toward. At the time, I saw this woman as bitter and cold, though other people saw her as the sweetest person they had ever met. I was beside myself having to pray for someone I knew little about. I had hardly ever prayed for more than five minutes at any one time before, and even then I became bored within only a short time and would fall asleep.

Night after night I only got three hours sleep because God wanted me to pray for this woman. I normally needed nine hours sleep but now I slept three and wasn't tired during the day. This went on for about four months straight!

One day in the beginning of this call to pray I overheard a woman speaking to another woman saying, "Ask for God's heart for her". The words stuck with me and I began to ask God what His heart was for this woman. Much to my surprise I began to see beautiful visions, some of a sweet little girl on His lap that reminded me of Shirley Temple and some of a beautiful cathedral all lit up from within like glow in the dark crosses. With these visions I would feel His heart for this woman, His joy, His sobbing over things people had done to her, His admiration for her perseverance, and His overwhelming love toward her. In fact, through these visions I came to know for the first time in my life what it felt like to be loved. Before this, though God loved me and Chuck loved me, it had been a mystery to me what love really was, and now I knew! It was free and warm and exciting!

About three months after this praying began, I heard God tell me to go pray outside this woman's church where I knew there was to be a meeting of critical importance to that church and to her role in that church. So I went there and walked all around it as I prayed. After a while I decided that it might be appropriate to pray in tongues against anything the enemy might do and to see that God's will would be done. When I asked Him what His heart was, God said that I should pray in tongues.

As I prayed in tongues I soon heard a car horn and some young men yelling. I turned around to see a red convertible with the top down driving by with two young men in the front and one in the back. The man on the passenger side had a gun aimed right at me and kept it on me as they drove by. As they got out of range the man yelled loudly while waving the gun in the air and then put the gun down into his lap.

I was not afraid of what happened. I was amazed that praying in tongues would cause the enemy (the devil) to respond so violently. "Did tongues do some kind of warfare that could not be done in English? Was this meeting so important that the enemy would be so aroused by a prayer that God's will would be done? Was the enemy orchestrating this thing so vital to this church and could not stand to see any interference?" My mind raced with new questions as 1 stood there aware of the importance of obeying God when He calls us to pray.

The Lord confides in those who fear him; he makes his covenant known to them.

(Psa.25:14)

God had been by now healing many of my wounds and fears through visions and words directed toward me or by showing me His love toward the woman I prayed for. He needed, however, to break my isolation and fear of people. This was a huge undertaking for Him to take and one that took all the courage I could muster.

Before I came into the Spirit I would say hello to people when I walked down the street. Generally people would not look at me and not say anything back to me. When I would enter doors behind other people they would consistently let the doors shut on me. For the most part I seemed to be invisible. But when I came into the Spirit people began to say hello to me even when I was lost in negative thoughts. People started holding doors open for me to enter before them, even children! The way people responded was so very different yet I still would hide whenever I saw someone I knew in a store or on the street if they had not spotted me first. I even would put groceries back onto shelves and leave the stores so that I would not have to talk to them! I was so frightened of rejection I ran from every encounter that was possible to run from.

This fear was still in my life a year after I came into the Spirit and it hindered what God wanted to do with me. He told me one day while sitting in His Presence that He wanted me to tell the woman that He had had me pray for for so long, that I loved her. I had prayed for her for a year and felt God's love for her until I had indeed felt the way He did toward her, but, tell her I loved her? I think I would have preferred to run down the street with no clothes on than to tell her I loved her. This was too vulnerable! I would be too exposed! What if she laughed at me or said something awful? Oh, God!

All this time I had a vow with God: "Whatever You want, Lord, no matter the cost, no matter how painful, frightening, or humiliating". But I began to argue with Him. I had told Him that I would never again say no to Him and I meant it but this was not possible. I knew I would stutter or faint or wet my pants out of fear. Then He said, "I WILL GET SOMEONE ELSE". Ah! I knew as He said that it meant that He would not be so close to me any longer and that it might be years before I would be sitting in His Presence. Quickly I said, "Yes", and wondered how I would ever do this thing.

Before I could chicken out again I called the woman. I knew I did not want to wet my pants on her carpet, so calling seemed to be the best approach. After a few introductory pleasantries I finally got the words out. She responded by saying, "That's nice dear but it is my husband that should love me". I was speechless!

After hanging up I sat and sobbed. Her reaction left me feeling very vulnerable and foolish. Then God spoke clearly again and said, "OPEN REBUKE IS BETTER THAN HIDDEN LOVE". I recalled that I had read that verse and thought about it one time about eighteen years earlier. It was difficult for me to believe that verse the way I felt, but I knew that I had been faithful to Him and He filled me then with His incredible peace, a peace that is not human.

Better is open rebuke than hidden love

(Prov. 27:8)

### Edmonton

A couple of weeks after this incident Chuck and I went to Edmonton, Canada to a Vineyard conference on Holiness. We had been in the Vineyard for about six months and had listened to some teaching tapes by John Wimber, head of the Vineyard, on healing. We wanted to hear him personally although neither of us had seen any healings and neither of us really believed in it. Something in my spirit told me that this was real but I had been taught against it for a lifetime.

At a Holiness conference of about six thousand people, I felt the Holy Spirit like never before. I was amazed that His Presence could be felt so clearly. Some people cried as the Holy Spirit gently brought woundedness to the surface where the pain that had locked them up for years could be released. We, however, had no idea what was going on and were a bit frightened by this display of God's Power. Someone who has demons screamed and we knew it was demonic in nature but we still had no concept of what to think of it all. God kept drawing us toward Himself though because we were overwhelmed by the atmosphere of God's love in that place. The worship brought tears to my eyes. God was very real and could not be denied!

When John Wimber got up to speak he stood there silent for a very long time and looked at individuals around the room. I could feel the love of God and this enormous compassion fill the room as John just stood there. The heart of the Father was incredible! Then John very gently and compassionately said, "Holiness is not about you. It is about Him". A light went on inside me. I suddenly understood God's grace. Not only was Holiness about Him and not about me but it was not about my worthiness but by His worthiness! Something freed me to let God do it for me!

Later, John White spoke. Conviction hit me like a cannon ball in the chest when he said that we haven't truly repented until we are able to tell someone our sin (to the appropriate person under God's direction). I had vowed for fifteen years that nothing in heaven or hell could get me tell my sin to anyone, and I hadn't. Now God was telling me to tell the woman He had me praying for. To tell her my sin was worse than telling her I loved her! Now I knew I would probably die while telling her my sin!

I paced the floor for over an hour between sessions. Fear gripped every part of me.

Anything but that! How could I? What if she rejects me or says something awful? My vow came back to me again and again, "Whatever You want, Lord, no matter the cost, no matter how painful, frightening, or humiliating". During worship over an hour later I finally said, "Yes, Lord, I'll tell her", as I literally sweat.

At the end of a session John Wimber said that those with back problems were to stand up because God was going to heal them. I quickly stood up. Immediately I felt intense heat on my back on the vertebrae that hurt so painfully. My back had hurt so badly that I would sweat from the pain, I slept sitting up at times, one arm or the other would occasionally become paralyzed for over a week and painfully twitch as nerves jumped. My neck muscles were pulled so tight that my neck constantly hurt, and was so knotted up that the tendon in my left shoulder would pop out and my arm be filled with excruciating pain.

As I stood up, heat surrounded my vertebrae, as a man behind me said, "Have you been praying for someone very intently with great compassion for some time?". I knew nothing about healing and thought that he was about to tell me that my intense praying was the cause of my back problem, though I had had this problem progressively worse since I was in fifth grade. "Yes", I responded. "1 want to pray for her", he said. And the lady in front of me said, "Yes, God is pleased (that you have prayed for her)". I could not believe my ears! I was unfamiliar with God speaking to people and this was incredible!

My back was healed that night. The next morning the heat was still on my back but in a smaller circle so I asked God to do my neck while He was there and the heat went up to my neck. The next day the heat was still on my neck so I asked God to do my shoulder and to my surprise the heat went to my shoulder. God healed my back, my neck, and my shoulder! (They have been fine ever since! Later when I went to my chiropractor he didn't even charge me when I went to get adjusted because he said, "I didn't do anything").

Then on one night of the conference all six thousand people were crying out to God for forgiveness. Something happened. I did not believe that Christians could have demons, but I knew that I knew that something that looked like a vulture flew off of my shoulder. As soon as it flew off, I knew that the sin that nagged me for fifteen years was never really my fault. Instantly I knew that I never had been a lesbian. The enemy had played a trick on me! He had held an empty gun to my head for fifteen years! I was instantly free of the voice that accused me, that had made it so difficult to pray. Something was very different!

Then at another session, John Wimber said that we are to love the things God loves. How incredible! It was as though I had been given permission to love myself! Because God loved me I must also love me, as well as others. I had never felt that it was proper to love myself or to genuinely love others. Now I was hearing that it was not just all right to love these things but that I was grieving God if I didn't. Again something wonderful changed inside me. I had so internalized the words to hymns and Bible verses that spoke of a negative image of myself that it was entirely new to me to think the other way around. "Oh wretched worm am I", was a phrase in a song at my church as a child and I internalized it. I had internalized all the Bible verses that said our righteousness was as filthy rags and that we were to deny ourselves, die to ourselves, and hate the flesh. Now I suddenly saw the truth of God's love! This became the beginning of internalizing all the verses about His thoughts of love toward me.

How precious to me are your thoughts, a God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I am awake, I am still with you.

(Psa.139:17-18)

### Becoming a Listener of God

When we come to that place where we know without a doubt that we can enter boldly, unhesitatingly unto the throne of God's grace, and then enter like a warrior taking ground, our prayers become ignited by a fire that can change the world. When we come to that actualization of the power of the Holy Spirit groaning His deepest desires out through our souls, as our awareness of this life is totally absorbed by the heart of the Father being embossed into us and expressed through us, then we see the supernatural hand of God played out in our midst through prayer and intercession.

It is only through an intimate relationship with this Holy God and through holy prayers that we touch upon this explosive move of the Holy Spirit. It is by an emptying of ourselves before His throne that we are filled with that fire which moves mountains. And that emptying of ourselves at His feet is necessary to bring about the heart of the Father resting upon ours.

When we begin to pray not our heart but the heart of the Father, we begin to call into being HIS will upon the earth as it is in heaven. Then, we who are heirs, children of the Almighty God who spoke this world into existence, speak HIS words into existence. And His words do not return unto Him without accomplishing that which He intended them to accomplish.

We must know His will, His character, and His timing to pray the heart of God. We must draw close to Him. We must ask Him what His heart is, what are the thoughts and desires and feelings He has toward us, toward others and toward Himself. We must come into agreement with Him on all counts, for that is what righteousness means - coming into agreement with this Holy God. And when we are willing to lay down our agendas, our desires, and our expectations to take on those of the Father, His Precious Holy Spirit ignites within us a fire of prayer that consumes us.

Who of us can dwell with the consuming fire? Who of us can dwell with everlasting burning? He who walks righteously and speaks what is right . Your eyes will see the king in his beauty and view a land that stretches afar.

(Isaiah 33:14-17)

### "Behold, Your Servant Listens"

Samuel understood the importance of listening when God speaks. He so attuned his ear to the words of God that he spoke the words of God with such accuracy that the Scripture says that the Lord did not let any of his words fall to the ground. None of his words failed to accomplish what God intended because they were God's words and not those of Samuel. It was out of relationship that Samuel spoke the heart of the Father. It was because Samuel had it in his heart to become a servant who listens.

One day, as I came home from a meeting of Branches where mighty intercessors prayed, I sat sobbing in the presence of the Lord. My heart was broken because somehow I felt that my words were too insignificant to reach the throne room of heaven. As my heart broke before Him, wanting so much to be close to Him, I clearly heard Him say, "IT IS NOT HOW WELL YOU SPEAK, BUT HOW WELL YOU LISTEN".

With His words came the revelation that I need not speak at all if I only know how to listen. I was relieved by the awareness that I could indeed do just that. I could sit at His feet and listen. And listen I did.

There was, however, a time soon after that in which I was asking God questions for about a half hour. I apparently wasn't waiting for the answers, just asking question after question. I looked up from my praying and there in the sky was a cloud in the shape of a question mark, dot included! My spirit knew it was Him. It was so Jewish - answer a question with a question - He was saying, "WHY DO YOU ASK?". I became aware that in my constant questions I did not wait to listen. Why should I ask if I'm not willing to listen for the answers? Stunned, I grabbed a camera and took a picture of the cloud.

"The days are coming," declares the Sovereign Lord, "when I will send a famine through the land, not a famine of food or a thirst for water, but a famine of hearing the words of the Lord. Men will stagger from sea to sea and wander from north to east, searching for the word of the Lord, but they will not find it."

(Amos 8:11-12)

# GOD SPEAKS IN MANY WAYS

There are not words for many of the things God has spoken to me, because God speaks not just in words but in impressions. When He says the word, "peace", I feel His peace surround me. When He says that I am forgiven, I feel forgiveness that seems as big as heaven itself. When I hear Him say, "mercy", my heart is filled with a desire to impart mercy. I literally feel the words He speaks. His words have life to them as I sense His presence and His pleasure. The Word becomes flesh and dwells among us!

As God speaks I have become audience to the secrets of His heart, those holy treasures hidden deep in His innermost being. Sometimes when He speaks of those things I will sense that they are so holy that perhaps even angels have fallen face down to the ground as they were spoken. At other times I have sat weeping as I have heard Him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant". I have heard Him warn me of traps of the enemy and tell me how to avoid them. Then again, as I have sat in His presence as He spoke of holiness I have been surrounded by the fragrance of holiness - that fragrance of the Anointing of the Holy Spirit.

While listening like a small child sitting upon grandfather's lap to hear a story, I hear Him tell me of His love for people that, until that moment, I could not bring myself to love. As He expressed His heart toward them His words came alive in my innermost being and I too began to love them as He did.

He has spoken of the grieving of His heart and of His Spirit over my negative self-talk, that loop tape we all have in our heads that runs a constant reminder of our inadequacies and failures. I heard Him clearly say one day, "YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE I LOVE DEEPLY. DON'T DO IT". At that moment I could see in my mind's eye the Holy Spirit weeping and could feel the rending of His heart.

In my listening I have seen visions, those word pictures that appear like daydreams upon the canvas of our minds. But when God brings visions, just like His words that come alive those visions often carry the heart of God on them. If we listen carefully we can hear and see and feel the heart of God.

For God does speak...one way, now another...though men may not perceive it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on men as they slumber in their beds, He may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn man from wrongdoing and keep him from pride, his life from perishing by the sword.

(Job 33:14-18)

With most of my experiences of listening to the Holy Spirit there has come tremendous healing of my innermost being and release from memories of tragedies of the past. Much to my surprise there has also come an ability to speak life into others, releasing them from those areas of their hearts that have kept them in bondage for years.

In my early days of praying for others after coming into the Spirit, I prayed along with other people for someone and I sensed a huge frustration over the inability of the person to be touched by the prayers we were praying. As I drove home I asked God why it was that she was not touched by Him. His reply was, "SPEAK TO HER SPIRIT, NOT TO HER HEAD". The impression of His words just then was that just as the Holy Spirit testifies with our Spirit that we are the sons of God, when the Holy Spirit has us speak His words to someone we should also be speaking to their spirit.

Obviously, when Jesus cried out, "Lazarus, come forth", He was not speaking to Lazarus' head but to his spirit. The same is true in speaking to people we are praying over.

This is what we speak, not in words taught by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, expressing spiritual truths in spiritual words.

(I Cor. 2:13)

### We Leave His Presence Too Soon

For the most part, I have done away with the concept of a quiet time with the Lord.

After sitting so closely in His Presence my heart longs and yearns for His courts. The thought of spending only fifteen minutes to an hour with Him has frankly become an absurd thought.

My heart cries out, "Not a quiet time with my Lord, but a life time with my Lord!". I have come to miss Him if we are apart for more than fifteen minutes. I am no saint. I simply enjoy His company so much that I cannot, and choose not, to be out of His Presence at all. For to be in His Presence is as close to being in heaven as we can be on earth, and as some have said it, hell is the absence of the Presence of God.

There was a moment while sitting in the Presence of the Lord that I felt fully satisfied that my prayers had been heard, even answered, and that I had met with God. As I got up to go on with life I sensed a grieving of the Holy Spirit. I felt Him wooing me back to sit with Him longer. As I sat back down and listened I felt that heaven's doors had been opened to me. Then I saw in a vision a storehouse of heaven's treasures. In the vision I saw a little boy walking in one of the isles that was crammed with wonderful things. The boy picked something I could not recognize from off the floor. Then Jesus took it from him and I felt disappointed. He then reached high on a shelf and brought down a vehicle that had wheels and the little boys face lit up. I was aware that what the child had picked up for himself was just something that was lying on the floor, but that when Jesus handed him that vehicle with the wheels Jesus was giving him his heart's desire.

Immediately I found myself touring the isle of treasures. As I looked upward to the top shelves I could see clouds. I knew that the shelves were nearly endless and that the warehouse was so big that I could never use everything in it if I spent all of eternity making that my hobby.

All my needs and desires seemed to rest on the shelves that surrounded me. I pointed up to the clouds, however, and asked Jesus what was above the clouds. His answer startled me because I was expecting more of my needs and desires to be hidden out of sight. The answer He gave me was that the gifts of the Spirit and the Anointing of the Holy Spirit lay just beyond the clouds. A sense of something came over me, an awareness of how low I had aimed in my prayers, a reconstruction of the gifts of the Holy Spirit and of the Anointing came over me, and the inexpressible joy in His heart that I had asked about what lie above the clouds. Prior to this my agendas and expectations were not holy, not big enough, and did not bring enough joy to His heart.

With this vision was the awareness that every person had their own storehouse of heavenly treasures. It was as though my name was on everything in that place I had visited. No one else could have what was there in my name and I could not have anything that belonged to another. Each of us has all that heaven can offer, but few of us ever begin to utilize what is there for us to enjoy.

From that moment on I have endeavored to listen to His agendas and expectations more closely, emptying myself of my own. I have also attempted to stay in His Presence beyond meeting my needs and my wants in order to bring joy to His heart. My relationship with Him has changed from going into prayer for my sake to going into prayer for His sake. And, I try to never leave His Presence too soon!

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes. The fear of the Lord is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the Lord are sure and altogether righteous. They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold. They are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. By them is Your servant warned. In keeping them there is great reward."

(Psa. 19:7-11)

# RESTING IN HIS PRESENCE

"Fascination with the unfathomable God has always produced supernatural results in People's lives. There is something about a childlike curiosity, simplicity, and innocence which enables people to burst the cords of traditional expectations and become instruments to which the Living God can be released to touch a dying world. When God appears in the midst of a group of people who are yielded to Him and are waiting for His visitation He generally does what He does best, the unusual and the unexpected, and the supernatural. Are you ready for that?

(John Wimber)

God has done many miracles in my life and I have seen His gifting, but the one thing that stands out above all else for me is to know the Holy Spirit as a real person, not an it or a thing or a ghost-like creature, but a very real and wonderful Being.

The more I listened to His voice the more I came to know Him. To know the Holy Spirit is accompanied by the revelation of the Holy Spirit and impressions of God that cannot be put into human words. We know Him by relationship with Him.

"Holy Spirit, come. Touch Your people. Open the eyes of their understanding. Speak to their spirits as You have spoken to mine. Let them feel deep within their innermost being the love and compassion that I have felt as You have revealed Yourself to me. Let the Presence of God rest upon them and fill them with the splendor of Your Holiness!"

Benny Hinn shares in his book, "Good Morning Holy Spirit", that he actually saw the Holy Spirit and talked to Him face to face. I have heard many people say that they have seen Him and I have often wished that I would see Him too, but never have. I do, however, see Him in visions like images within my mind. These images are always vague in regard to what He looks like but His character is always present. He would often speak things to me that were so profound that I knew that they could not have come from me.

At first the Holy Spirit would share with me while I sat quietly listening to worship tapes, music that declared the beauty of the Lord, praising Him and focusing on Him, not songs that cried out for God to focus on us. This seemed to be extremely important to the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life.

As I worshiped and focused on Jesus, a tremendous peace would come over me. At times I would see visions of how God loved me through some very difficult times in my childhood. One of those visions was of Him holding me in His arms and declaring to the devil, "YOU CANNOT HAVE HER!", during a very intense and traumatic moment when I was five years old as my mother beat me, a time that had left me with an unending pain whenever the incident would come to my remembrance. Ever since I saw that vision and felt His love toward me and His fury toward the enemy I have not felt any pain about that issue again. The nightmare ceased as well.

There were times when I had spent much of the day resting in the Presence of the Holy Spirit and worshiping Jesus until I finally had to go to bed. But in the night the Holy Spirit would awaken me and I would hear in my spirit a gentle song of love and comfort being sung over me. Then I would hear Him say in my spirit, "I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU I LOVE !". This happened often for many months as I began to receive His love and His healing of my wounded soul.

One night, after a friendship suddenly ended without explanation, my heart was so crushed and broken that I took a teddy bear to bed (Chuck had already fallen asleep and I didn't want to wake him). Three or four times during the night, as I would wake just long enough to turn over, I would see in a vision a blue neon wavy light all along the length of my body. I felt the Holy Spirit rocking me gently in my sleep. My spirit was comforted by His Spirit. The peace was beyond human understanding.

On one occasion after that I was so much in the Presence of the Holy Spirit that I smelled the fragrance of holiness, that fragrance found in Deuteronomy of the anointing oil that was poured over Aaron's head and down his beard. Then I heard these words, "THE HOLY SPIRIT IS DEEPLY DRAWN TO A HEART FULLY GIVEN TO HUMILITY".

I do not write poetry and have never had any interest in poetry but this poem came to me very clearly while sitting in His Presence. It was almost as though He were dictating it to me as I wrote.

YOU'VE CAPTURED ALL MY HEART

I surrender all my life to You, my hopes, my dreams, my will.

As a little child before You, I sit so very still.

And then I hear You whisper, "My child, come up here .

And sit upon My lap and let Me wipe away your tear.

Come into My storehouse, where the treasures never end,

Tell the secrets of My heart and be your dearest friend."

And in that quiet, restful place, where angels wish to tread,

My lovely, precious Jesus You raised me from the dead.

You took away the darkness of a prodigal returned,

"FORGIVEN" is the name, Your Spirit there has burned.

Within Your precious presence my inner heart is healed,

This awesome thing you've done, forever will be sealed.

You placed on me a mantle, an anointing of some kind,

To touch Your little children and give sight unto the blind.

You tell me of their inner struggles, their broken hearts and fears.

You make me weep before them as I see Your eyes of tears.

Your words cry out within me, "Let My people go!"

And nothing on earth can keep me from making sure they know.

My heart is often broken by Your love that never ends.

A song wells up within my soul for the hope that will transcend.

0, blessed, blessed Savior, You deliver each and all

And now my heart so filled with treasure bows before Your call.

My hesitations flung aside, respect tossed to the wind,

That awesome Holy Spirit has become my dearest friend!

That war cry within His heart has become my very own.

With sword in hand and armor on I never walk alone.

I go no matter what the pain and no longer shrink in fear,

For when my heart is humbled Your Spirit is so near.

'''Whatever You want, Lord Jesus!" is my deepest cry.

No matter what the cost, the pain, the fear, I no longer ask You, '''Why?"

I've burned the bridge of turning back. I walk where I know not.

I keep my eyes on Jesus and trust where once I fought.

Now those who come around me find hope and sweet release.

With words about Your awesome love and my joyous new belief,

That they will stand in that place where treasures never cease.

Precious little children running free within Your peace.

Has the walk that I have chosen, truly been a cost?

A jealous friend, a fearful friend, yes, two of them I've lost!

There are those who kill with slander, harsh words I cannot bare.

My inheritance my mother keeps - I've given up my share!

I've seen the bed of sickness that tested heaven's trust.

When out of work the joy that came Your treasures never rust!

There are nightmares from those devils. "Back off", I hear them say.

''Release no more of them or I'll surely make you pay!"

But the joy I've found in Jesus has so captured all my heart

That reckless abandonment is such a little part.

And knowing well just where I've been,

I'm choosing life and love and yielding from within .

And when it's really, really tough, again I hear You say,

''Come here to Me, My child, and let us spend the day.

I'll tell you of My secrets. I'll whisper in your ear.

I'll touch your lips, your face, your heart and wipe away your tear.

I'll take you on a journey where all My dreams come true,

And as we walk together, My heart will dance with you.

### Something Wonderful

There was a time when I felt that I could not get into His Presence. I struggled and agonized over it. Finally I asked Him what was the matter, determined not to move until He answered me, and I saw a vision of the Holy Spirit in a doorway, like a child playfully wanting me to follow Him. I then saw myself sitting on the floor with things to play with. I was comfortable where I was and the new toys had not worn out my interest and excitement. But the Holy Spirit was in the doorway beckoning me to go to another room. He said, "Come. I have something wonderful to show you."

Soon I realized that the Holy Spirit had new things to enjoy in the other room. I didn't want to go there at first because of the joy of where I already was. Then it dawned on me that those "toys" were only enjoyable because He was there enjoying them together with me! At that point I got up and joined Him.

As I decided to go wherever it was He was going and let go of the wonderful things He had already shared with me His Presence filled me again to overflowing. I learned from that experience two things. One, when I enter into dry times I need to ask Him why and be willing to sit and listen until He answers. And secondly, when dry times seem to come it is not necessarily because I have sinned or grieved the Spirit but because I am to go on to something new and something better, but that I must let go of the old things to go there.

I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will also rest secure, because You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will You let your Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life; You will fill me with joy in Your presence, with eternal pleasures at Your right hand.

(Psa.16:7-11)

### Childlike Vulnerability

If someone had have suggested to me at that time that I had been a prodigal I would have struggled with the title. I had continued to go to church and pray and read my Bible occasionally while I was floundering for fifteen years in my guilt and shame. It wasn't until I came into the Spirit that I realized how far my heart was from God. I loved Him all along but never really knew what it was to have fellowship with the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

When I began to enjoy the Holy Spirit's company I was so warmed by this new experience and the fruit that it brought into my life that I became aware one day of how far away from God I had formerly been. I only understood this by seeing the contrast that being in the Spirit made in my prayers, in witnessing, in enjoyment of the Word, in revelation of Scripture, in hearing God's voice, and in the joy of His Presence. Every week I would find myself so changed inside that I felt I was not the same person I was the week before.

Then one day while I was sitting with Him, He interrupted me abruptly and I heard God say, "I WANT TO SPEAK TO THE PERSON I MADE, NOT THE PERSON YOU MADE". The words He spoke startled me as I heard them. At the same time, however, I had one of those instant moments with God where I understood volumes of unspoken impression. I immediately knew that the person I had made was that part of me that keeps my inner person from getting hurt, that protective shell, the walls, the learned behavior from childhood of how to speak and act in a socially acceptable fashion. The person I had made was the one that people saw and the person I hoped to be. It was the part of me that avoided being wounded again.

"I want to speak to the person I made", shot through me like an arrow. He wanted to talk to some little child inside me that had been there all along. Until that very moment I was totally unaware that there were two of me. And as His arrow of the Spirit hit the mark, the image I had of who I was became invisible to me and I was left sitting there aware only of this tiny little being inside me. I felt as though I had been transported back to feeling like I must have felt when I was about five years old -- incredibly naive, vulnerable, and innocent. I was aware that God had protected that little person and kept it just as He made it, untouched by change or age, while the outside person was constantly reflecting all of the scars of this world.

In that moment as I sat there in His Presence as this very vulnerable little child, His awesome love poured out toward me. I felt welcomed into a place with Him where absolutely nothing would be aloud to harm me and where the warmth of love that I had only dreamed about radiated around me and into me.

This experience was so unexpected. I had done nothing to earn it. My worthiness was not an issue. I had merely yielded to the Father so that the Holy Spirit could touch that little spirit deep down inside me that seemed to have never aged and to have never known sin. I suddenly felt as though I had never known darkness or harsh words or the years of oppression. Life as I had known it truly had become in an instant like "waters gone by". I was absorbed into His Presence! Now I understood what was meant by the words,

"Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven"

(Matt. 18:3).

Someone once said that humility is seeing ourselves as God sees us. As God showed me how He saw me as a little childlike spirit, something happened inside me. During those moments I had no ambitions to be anything else. I didn't desire to be better, or thinner, or more important. I was so at peace and content that I didn't want it to end. And to this day I go back there time after time each day. I fall asleep in that place. I pray in that childlike place. My heart yearns to see myself as He does, just as David said, "My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God" (Psa. 84:2). I find myself crying out to Him in the night, "More of You, Lord! More of You!", until there have been times when even the bed shook -- indeed He had come closer!

For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him.

(II Chron. 16:9)

### Don't Beat Yourself

There was a day in the Presence of the Holy Spirit that I saw a vision of Him weeping as I spoke negatively about myself. He told me to stop "beating" myself (speaking words of self-hatred and inadequacy). Some days later the Holy Spirit told me to tell a woman friend that He was weeping over the abuse that she had suffered. He said that He felt the way David felt when he heard of the little lamb that the man loved like a friend but this man's neighbor killed the little lamb and served it to his guests.

I went over to see this woman to tell her what I heard the Holy Spirit say to me. I was frightened because getting words from God was very new to me and I was afraid that the woman would think I was strange. As I started to say these things to the woman the love of God came upon me and I choked up with His compassion and tears. The words would not come out except for a few that made little or no sense. Finally she turned to another woman sitting with us and said, "And how is your husband?".

My heart sank as I felt that I had failed God. I went home and sat on the steps inside my house and sobbed, apologizing for how poorly I had done and telling myself how inadequate I was. Then I saw a vision of myself alongside of a dirt road with many other people who were very noisy, shouting and waving their fists. Soon I saw Jesus coming up the road right in front of me. I could see the blood streaming down His back and the rough, heavy, splintered wood of the cross scraping into those wounds. It was so vivid! Then Jesus' eyes looked directly into mine as He very gently and compassionately said, "I WAS BEATEN FOR YOU. DON'T DON"T DO IT".

I instantly remembered the Holy Spirit weeping over my beating myself and I repented.

Then I smelled the fragrance of roses all around me, the fragrance of Jesus, the Rose of Sharon.

For this is what the high and lofty One says, He who lives forever, whose name is holy: "I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite."

(Isaiah 57:15)

### Roses of Sharon

A friend asked me to pray for her and so I did. I was amazed that as I prayed for her I kept seeing a bouquet of pink roses with people behind them enjoying the fragrance of them. They had their eyes intently on the roses. The next day, as I told her about this vision I noticed that she was wearing an olive dress covered all over with pink roses. She was also wearing a pink sweater with roses embroidered into it. It was apparent that the fragrance of Jesus would be seen in her.

The desert and the parched land will be glad; the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.

(Isaiah 35:1)

### Chuck's Raise

Our financial situation had changed since quitting work and I had at times asked God if He wanted me to go back to work, not knowing how long God had in mind for me to sit at His feet. One time while asking Him if I should go back to work I was walking on a park lawn early in the morning and found a five dollar bill just as I was asking the question. Another time when I asked, I found a twenty dollar bill. Each time I felt that the Lord was telling me that He could provide by dropping money out of heaven if necessary and that I was not to worry about it.

Again, though, the subject came up when our needs changed drastically. I prayed again that God would take care of those needs. Chucky was due for a raise but we were disappointed when he only got a four percent raise after two years of working for the company. Chucky decided to trust God in the matter and to leave it to Him. The following week another company asked him to work for them and offered him a thirty five percent raise!

Well, Chuck wrote up his resignation where he was at and submitted it, letting them know that he was offered a thirty five percent raise elsewhere. By the end of the afternoon his company came back with a forty percent raise!

On top of that, Chuck's raise made up the difference to what I had been earning! God gave Chuck my earnings!

Tell the righteous it will be well with them, for they will enjoy the fruit of their deeds.

(Isaiah 3:10)

### The Cool of the Day

It was summer and too hot to walk comfortably during the mid afternoon. I went for walks with God in the mornings and evenings while it was cool. One day as I did this He said to me that I had His heart. I asked what He meant and He said, "YOU LIKE TO WALK IN THE GARDEN IN THE COOL OF THE DAY".

Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, 0 Lord.

(Psalm 89:15)

### He Pushed Me

I still do not understand the playfulness of God. It is so contrary to all that I was taught as a child. But God very much has a sense of humor!

I was helping catch people at a women's retreat as the speaker prayed over them one at a time. As each one fell, I would ask God, "Is this real? Are You pushing them or are they just falling down to look good in the eyes of others?" Well, He didn't answer me.

When the meeting was over about eight of us stood in a circle around the speaker and prayed for her so that whatever she gave out in the Spirit would be put back into her to refresh her. Just as we finished praying, though no one was near me, I went tripping backward into the chairs. What I felt hit me was two hands, one on each shoulder, and a sharp push like the push a child on a playground would give another child that he enjoyed. I was startled. The speaker scurried over to me and said, "I'll take some of that!". She said it was the Anointing of the Holy Spirit.

As everybody went to lunch I went to my room at the retreat center and spent some time alone. I was being drawn by the Spirit to sit with Him. I was nagged by a desire to know what He was telling me by pushing me. So, I asked Him, "Holy Spirit, why did You push me?" The answer caught me by surprise, "I LIKE YOU. I WAS JUST HAVING FUN." Then I broke out into Holy Ghost laughter! I could not stop laughing if I wanted to. Then He said, "I AM GIVING YOU MY SENSE OF HUMOR". I could hardly believe my spiritual ears!

An hour later, as I went back to the next session at the retreat, I ran across two women who were in their sixties and told them what the Holy Spirit said. They too became overcome with Holy Spirit laughter so much so that they were having to hang onto the wall to keep from falling on the floor. Others began to laugh as I got near them. How incredible!

You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore, God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.

(Psalm 45:7)

### Violent Anger

About a year after coming into relationship with the Holy Spirit, I asked God where my anger went. I had been tested several times with situations where people had gotten angrily in my face but I had no "button" pushed to make me respond in anger. Before, I was totally out of control but now I didn't even need to exercise restraint. "Lord, where did the anger go?", I asked. His answer was incredible. He said, "ANGER IS THE OUTWARD MANIFESTATION OF HIDDEN PRIDE". "What do you mean?", I asked. "WHEN YOU VOWED TO ME, 'WHATEVER YOU WANT, LORD, NO MATTER THE COST, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL, FRIGHTENING, OR HUMILIATING', YOU HUMBLED YOURSELF BEFORE ME AND THE ANGER WENT AWAY WITH THE PRIDE." He went on to explain that the proud say "NO" to Him, but the humble say "YES".

The fruit of righteousness will be peace; the effect of righteousness and confidence forever. My people will live in peaceful dwelling places, in secure homes, in undisturbed places of rest.

(Isa. 32:17-18)

### The Intercessor

Dearest Prodigal,

Jesus is the Great Intercessor, our high priest, and our example in prayer. 'Because of His permanent priesthood Jesus is able to "save completely those who come to God through Him, because he always lives to intercede for them" (Heb. 7:25). It is His dying on the cross, His laying down His life, that gives Jesus the right to be heard as He intercedes for us, "Therefore I will give him a portion among the great, and he will divide the spoils with the strong, because he poured out his life unto death, and was numbered with the transgressors. For he bore the sin of many, and made intercession for the transgressors" (Isa. 53: 12).

There are verbal prayers of the heart that cry out to the throne room of God. There are groanings of the Holy Spirit that express the heart of God and the heart of His people,

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches the hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

(Rom. 8:26-27).

'There are prayers of communication that are spoken through fellowship with this wonderful God who loves us . All of this Jesus did,

"During the days of Jesus' life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission."

(Heb. 5:7).

But then there is another prayer, one that I believe is overlooked. There are those prayers that have no words because of the depth of them, prayers that are seen and not heard, prayers that are actions that speak louder than words. Prayer is a matter of the heart.

Jesus was a parable, a picture in the natural of the spiritual, a living parable and a "living prayer". One of the most significant examples of this "living prayer" is found in that verse that we often quote with silliness in our voice, perhaps embarrassed over its simplicity, but more so because we are left with a feeling that something unusual has happened that we want very desperately to explain. "Jesus wept" is the shortest verse in the Bible. "Jesus wept" (John 11 :35), is to me one of the most incredible prayers that Jesus ever prayed. If we look just a bit further, we hear Jesus saying, "Father, I thank you that you have heard me." When did He pray? I believe that Jesus prayed when Jesus wept, that Jesus prayed in His spirit, just as there have been those like Smith Wigglesworth who have stepped into the pulpit to teach only to find himself overcome by the weeping of the Holy Spirit until the room was filled with the Presence of God.

Wherever I look now in the life of Jesus I see this intercessor that sits at the right hand of the Father ever interceding for us. I see Jesus being a "Living Prayer" in all He does. Jesus became the enactment of the Word of God,

"The Word became flesh and dwelt among us"

(John 1 :14)

. .which is not stagnant nor without life in it, "The Word of God is living and active ... "

(Heb 4:12) .

And Jesus, being the Word in the flesh, became a living and active representation of the Father, the Heart of the Father, the prayers of the Father for us and over us. I believe too that when Jesus felt compassion for people this compassion was not emotion as we know it but the heart of the Father, through the Holy Spirit, landing on His heart like a prayer. I believe that Jesus was a living picture of the heart of the Father and the prayers of the Father over us.

Jesus did nothing of His own initiative but only what He saw the Father do.

"For I did not speak of my own accord, but the Father who sent me commanded me what to say and how to say it"

(John 12:49).

Jesus was not just told WHAT to say but HOW to say it! And WHEN to say it!

As I learned to become a listener of God I found that I was doing the will of God, in His character, and in His timing. When I had all three of those elements in place two things would happen, the enemy would not have access to the situation or the people, and the power of God was unleashed. A word from God, out of His character or out of His timing was no longer a word from God! All three areas had to work together!

God told me one day, "MY PEOPLE KNOW MY WILL. SOME OF THEM DO MY WILL IN MY CHARACTER, BUT ONLY 1% EVER DOES IT IN MY TIMING".

# REFLECTING HIS GLORY

If we are truly beholding Jesus we will become like Him. It is as simple as that.

And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into His likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit"

(II Cor. 3:18)

Behold Him, abide in Him, draw nigh unto Him, acknowledge Him -- this Lord who is the Spirit -- and the result will automatically be to bear fruit, to be changed into His likeness, to reflect the fruit of the Spirit, to be free. We simply have to choose to behold Him, choose to respond to Him, choose to embrace Him, and choose to acknowledge Him. Choose today whom you will serve!

The following are some experiences where I feel that prayer was being activated through the Holy Spirit. These "Living Prayers" are so powerful when they happen that I am aware at those moments of two things. One, the power of God is actively at work and flowing into the recipient. Two, the enemy (the devil) is so defeated at that moment that he is having no effect and rendered powerless.

You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the Living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

(II Cor. 3:3)

### I Still Love You – Marla

Since January 1990, I have been praying the streets of Boulder, Colorado where we live. I walk through the town and pray whatever God has me pray; for revival, for His Presence to come, for angels to be stationed about the city, to remove the blindness from the eyes of the lost, to set the captives free, to bring the Truth to those who have come here seeking the truth, and to give me the opportunity to bless whatever it is He is doing around me at the moment. My goal is to pray, not to witness, but as I pray He will occasionally place His compassion on my heart for someone. When He does that I always ask, "What is Your heart for that person, Lord?", and incredibly He will give me His eyes to see how He sees that person and a heart that feels a portion of the love He has for him/her.

A friend of mine and I went into a coffee house in Boulder one day, keeping our spiritual antennas up to hear what God might say to us. While in this hippie-yuppie coffee house we sat and drank hot cocoa and prayed for the people around us. The man sitting next to us started talking to us about every issue that he could think of and without pausing for any response from us. I call these conversations "loop tapes" because as the person covers every confrontational subject he can think of he then starts all over from the beginning as though he had never said these things, going through them in the same order in which he went through them previously. Each of these topics seemed to be designed to get a rise out of someone, not to make genuine discussion.

After the man had gone through his "loop tape" and started again on the same topics I asked him about his girlfriend who was sitting with him with her head on the table. He said that she was alert but that she had been really smart until she took too many drugs. Now she lived in a special home and was medicated to help her cope. Then he started in his "loop tape" right where he had left off, "Are you a women's liber? Those women's libers .... ". I interrupted him and told him I was a Jesus Freak (a term from the early seventies Jesus movement for someone who belonged to Jesus and spoke often about Him). He ignored me and went on with his "loop tape", but God told me that the girlfriend was a Believer. I sensed in my spirit that she was under serious feelings of condemnation from having taken drugs and being disabled by them. I was aware that when I said that I was a Jesus Freak that she began to cry out in her heart to God that she loved Him (not knowing whether or not He still loved her). I could only know this through a gift of knowledge shared with me through the ministry of the Holy Spirit.

Without thinking about it I got up, put my arms around the girl and told her, "Jesus wants me to tell you that He still loves you". I could not see her face but my friend said that she began to cry. This may seem insignificant to some, but I felt the Holy Spirit well up inside me with His joy of the confirmation that He would begin to bring her back to her Jesus who could ultimately set her free. I have to trust the urgings of the Holy Spirit to confirm on this one but I know in the least that I had been obedient.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

(II Cor.4:18)

### A Word Aptly Spoken - Vet

There was a relatively young man I had seen on the mall before, walking with a cane and wearing a long coat and a hat. God urged me to go over and talk to him. I am not a very social person and to talk to strangers is not easy for me but I obeyed and started talking to him. I asked him why he used a cane and he said that he had been in Vietnam. His friend was walking in front of him and stepped on a mine. He said that his friend died and that he had shrapnel in his leg for which he had had many surgeries. We talked a bit more but God didn't seem to give me anything to say to him so I said good bye and turned away. As I turned God told me to thank the man for serving in Vietnam and for all that he had suffered for being faithful. I thanked him and he stood there and wept deeply.

He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

(II Cor. 3:6)

### One Man or a Whole Tribe? - American Indian

Once, a young American Indian approached me for money on the mall, as a friend and I were praying for our city. As he approached us I instantly knew this was "Divine Encounter' without asking God. I started asking him questions that seemed not to be coming from myself but from the Spirit. "You're an American Indian aren't you?" "Yes, from a tribe in the Dakotas" "You talk to spirits don't you?" "Yes, I am the Shaman of our tribe. I pray on behalf of all my people". "Would you like to meet the Holy Spirit?" Pointing upward, he said, "You mean Him?" "Yes Him". "All right".

Just as this young man folded his hands and bowed his head in the middle of this crowded outdoor mall, a demoniac came around the other side of him and snarled at us, growling as he slouched on by. The devil was rendered powerless and had his tail in a knot. We ignored it, prayed for this Indian, asked the Holy Spirit to come, thanked Jesus for dying for him and loving him, and ended our prayer. The Indian thanked us, hugged us and happily went on.

Is it possible that something happened with this young Indian shaman that would affect his entire tribe? I pray that it will be the case. It is very likely since the enemy was so defensive! The enemy knew where this would eventually go!

The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.

(1 Peter 4:7-8)

### A Dove and a Butterfly -Roger

On another occasion, Roger approached me in his car, coming to the curb as I was leaving the mall to go home. He needed directions because he was new to our town. I gave him directions and then he asked me about the dove on my sweatshirt (I had unintentionally worn a sweatshirt that I had painted a Holy Spirit dove on). It was the only time I had worn the Dove shirt while praying the streets. I explained that it was a symbol of the Holy Spirit.

Roger asked who the Holy Spirit was and I told Him that He was the Spirit of the living God, the Spirit of Jesus. I told him that as we give our lives to Jesus He in turn gives us His Spirit to dwell within us, to teach us and to set us free from the bondage of this life and the things of this world.

Roger said that his hobby was mythological symbolism and that he found the dove symbol very fascinating. Then he asked what the butterfly symbolized. "God, You are amazing", I thought to myself. This young man was asking me to tell him about becoming a Christian and how as we give our lives to Jesus we are transformed like the butterfly, become filled with the Holy Spirit (which we had just talked about) and are new creations that have abundant life in Christ Jesus, so much so that at times we may feel that we are flying like the butterfly. We are no longer bound by the things of this earth, like the caterpillar, but are set free in our spirits to fly, like the dove.

Roger was very taken by all this as he listened intently. He thanked me for talking to him about all this and we parted. He was not yet ready to commit his life to Jesus but he had a very good start, enough to make a decision on his own as God tugged at his heart.

So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

(II Cor. 5:16-17)

### A Momma's Prayer - Allen

On another day I had finished my walk of prayer in Boulder and was headed back toward my car when a tall, young street person stopped me for money. I always ask the Lord if this is a Divine Encounter, a specific encounter arranged and predetermined by Him. With this man it seemed that my spirit was telling me that it was, so instead of addressing his request for money I simply asked him if I could pray for him. He seemed unusually eager to pray as we sat down on the curb where he held my hand in his. I prayed whatever God put on my heart. I knew in my spirit that this young man had done something that he needed to know forgiveness for, that God had already heard his confession and set him free, but that Allen was still held in bondage by the enemy over it. So, I prayed, "Lord Jesus, You say that if we forgive anyone their sin that You would forgive them. I don't know what he has done and I don't really care what it might have been, but I very much forgive him and no longer hold it to his account." Soon tears appeared in his eyes over what I had prayed. Then he said, "My momma in Alabama is praying for me. I'm gonna go home to my momma".

I almost began to cry myself at the awareness that I had become in part an answer to his mother's prayers for this young man. Allen thanked me, kissed my hand, and went on his way looking a bit better for the time we spent together with God. Somehow I can't help but imagine that he went home to Momma.

Witnessing used to be such a frightening thing to me. Now it has become purely a matter of sharing whatever God puts on my heart at the time. Miraculously, many of the opportunities invite themselves. I need merely to show up, listen to the voice of God, repeat what He has me say, and allow God to do the rest.

All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that Christ was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And He has committed to us the message of reconciliation.

(II Cor. 5:18-19)

### Sugar

Sugar was a real problem for me. I was definitely addicted to it. I couldn't turn it down ever and I was finding myself eating mostly sugar at times. I was extremely concerned but had no control over the habit.

Then one day a great compassion came over me for my friend, and her need to stop eating sugar because of a possibility of developing diabetes as her mother did. It was a compassion without time to think. I just quietly prayed, "God, help my friend to stop eating sugar".

An hour or so later I started to reach for a piece of cake and turned away from it without thinking. I took a double-take at what had just happened. Immediately I knew that God had taken away my desire for sugar. That was almost a year ago and I have very little interest in sugar now. When I do chance upon it I can turn it down and I almost never eat it. Since last May I have eaten anything I wanted to eat aside from sugar and have lost about twenty- five pounds! What a miracle God did!

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart.

(I Peter 1 :22)

### Stand Up!

The sermon was great, as usual, and I sat there at the end saying to God, "Whatever You want, Lord. Just name it." A very sharp command came so suddenly that I responded without thinking. There I was in the front row of a congregation of about three hundred and fifty people, on the fifty yard line, dead center of everyone.

"Bless you", I heard Pastor James say as he looked down at me from about fifteen feet away. People all over the room were clapping and my face was red. The heat of embarrassment was all over me. I couldn't look at James.

I had stood up for salvation. Won't my friends that I prayed with during the week have some curiosity over this apparent decision? I accepted Jesus at age seven. Here I am at age forty something standing up for an invitation and being prayed for. I was beside myself.

God had embarrassed me in my obedience. He very clearly and sharply had said, "STAND UP!". Later, however, I was to find out that about fourteen people behind me stood up to accept Jesus. I suspect God might have used me as a catalyst to encourage others to make a decision that day. I am glad now that my little embarrassment was so little cost to bring about results!

You also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ.

(I Peter 2:5)

And we too are to walk in His example and become "Living Prayers".

We know that we have come to know him if we obey his commands. The man who says, 'I know him,' but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in him. But if anyone obeys his word, God's love is truly made complete in him. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did."

(I John 2:3-6).

We are to do the works of Jesus, say what we hear the Father saying, and know how to say it because we too are becoming transformed into His likeness from glory to glory through the Holy Spirit (I Cor. 3:16).

If we give a cup of cold water to one of His little ones we have given it to Him -- and conversely, that if we have withheld a cup of water from one of His little ones we have done it to Him. Everything we do in word or deed should be done to the glory of God.

### A Just Scale

While riding in the car one day, I asked Chuck what he thought about a verse that kept bothering me for about three weeks. I could not understand the meaning of the verse, "The Lord abhors dishonest scales, but accurate weights are his delight" (Proverbs 11:1). I knew that on the surface this meant that God was looking for a standard of honesty beyond what we normally expect, but I also knew there had to be more to it than that.

Chuck got tears in his eyes and choked up (a manifestation of the Holy Spirit) as he began to explain. He said that wherever precision matters there is calibration. Clocks are all set to one clock so that they do not vary. Quality of equipment is set by the one that is most accurate. Scales are all balanced and weighed from a single source. Someone goes around to the stores periodically and sets the scales and certifies that they have been calibrated so that they weigh correctly. This also eliminates anyone tampering with the scales to balance them in their favor.

And so it is with God. He is the standard for justice, truth, reality. When we use any other source as our standard we are using an inferior standard and the end result is that we either come up short for ourselves or we cheat others.

About a week later, I went to pray for a man in a hospital where I was a volunteer chaplain. While talking to him I asked what kind of work he did. "I calibrate scales", he said. When he said that I knew that the verse about the scales had been on my heart to understand not for my benefit but for this young man's spiritual need. So I explained what Chuck said about our having to calibrate our lives to God and no other source. He clearly understood what I was saying and even looked as if I had hit a deep issue with him. I knew God had said all that He intended to say so I blessed him and prayed for him and left him to think about what God had already placed on his heart.

Differing weights and differing measures, the Lord detests them both.

(Proverbs 20:10)

### THE HEALING PRESENCE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT

When we are captured by fear, shame, trouble, darkness, death, and insecurity there is good news! The Presence of the Holy Spirit acknowledged and embraced in the deepest part of our being brings healing in the most miraculous ways.

"Yet if you devote your heart to him and stretch out your hands to him, If you put away the sin that is in your hand and allow no evil to dwell in your tent then you will lift up your face without shame; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor" "Who does not know all these things?"

(Job 11:13-19, 12:3)

My nephew, at the age of six, would stand in front of me holding his hands up high, saying, "Up me, Aunt Sue". What he wanted was to have me lift him up in my arms so that he could be close to me, touch my face, look into my eyes, talk directly to me, and kiss my face.

One day Chuck and I took him to church with us before taking him to the Cheyenne rodeo. As he stood on the chair next to me (being very short for his age) watching everyone standing around him, some with their hands up raised to God, he asked, "Aunt Sue, why do they have their hands up?" Without thinking I responded, "They are saying, 'Up me Jesus!'." He laughed with joy, knowing exactly what that meant, to be lifted up into the arms of Jesus in order to touch His face, look into His eyes, and to kiss Him with our hearts.

If we devote our hearts to Him, to know His heart and become abandoned to His ability to make it happen;

If we stretch out our hands to him, lifting Him up in praise and worship and thanksgiving;

If we put away the sin that is in our hand, those works of darkness that we cling to;

If we allow no evil to dwell in your tent, those things of bitterness and unforgiveness;

  1. Shame will be gone from us and our faces will glow with His Presence.

  2. Fear will diminish until we actually stand without falling to our weakness.

  3. We will experience healing that causes us to totally forget pain and circumstance.

  4. Life will become very much worth living.

  5. Darkness and demonic forces will not be found.

  6. We will become secure and sound and full of hope.

  7. We will be free to rest, feel safe, and enjoy our liberty in Christ.

  8. There will be release from fear of people.

  9. We will find favor with and enjoyment of others.

"Salvation" means deliverance, soundness, safety, and ease It is the result of choosing to devote our hearts to Him!

### Arthritic Woman

Sometimes I "miss the mark" in ministering to people because I forget to listen and ask God's heart for the person I am praying for. Chuck and I were at a conference and I noticed a woman slowly shuffle across the floor of the plywood covered ice rink that we were meeting in for a conference. She was bound from head to foot with arthritis and could only walk with a walker. She folded her walker down into a seat.

When the meeting was over I felt an urging to go pray for this woman so I asked her if she would mind. She was glad to have me pray and so I began to pray that God would heal her of her arthritic condition. After a few moments a young woman came joyfully bouncing over to us and asked, "What's the problem?". I thought to myself, "She's bound from head to toe with arthritis. Are you too blind to notice?". But, much to my surprise the elderly woman began to cry and confess that she had been a counselor and that God had told her not to counsel various people, but because she felt sorry for them she went ahead against His wishes. She said that she had been playing God in their lives because she did not counsel them in the power and insight of the Spirit but in the flesh.

Weird! The elderly woman repented of her sin and began to get motion in her shoulders as she raised her hands above her head. She declared that it had been a very long time since she had been able to do that. She had begun to receive healing, healing that appeared to result from repentance for her rebellion toward God and His wishes.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

(James 5:16)

### A Mother's Blessing

There is a wonderful book out by John Trent and Gary Smalley called The Blessing. This book discusses the father's blessing and its effects on men, how they can be healed and released by their fathers, and how godly men can take the place of the father in blessing and releasing others. One evening, as I joined others in praying for someone, the Lord showed me a mother's blessing.

During a meeting with several couples one of the men began to express his inability to get work done (he was self employed) and how that his business deteriorated while his wife was away because he could not discipline himself to get things done. We all began to pray over him concerning his request to be released from this dilemma. Within a few minutes I began to see a vision of a mother with a young boy standing in front of her, both facing forward. The boy would take a few steps and the mother would grab him by his suspenders, pull him back against her and put her arms around him, holding him there. She would then relax, let go of him, and he would step out again. She repeatedly pulled him back to herself and held him there.

"Lord, what are you saying?", I asked. A very strong impression came to me that I was to act as this man's mother and speak to him as though I were his mother to bless him and release him from her apron strings. So I looked up into this mans face and began to speak, telling him that he indeed was a very responsible person, he was a man, a godly man, a capable man, and that he did not need to feel intimidated by other men with whom he did business. I spoke release from fear and intimidation. I confirmed his manhood and his abilities as he looked intently at me.

Several weeks later this man expressed his testimony in a small group that the words spoken over him had not only helped to remedy his struggle with getting his heart into his business but that the words somehow improved his relationship with his wife and released him from an attraction to lustful thoughts. He was released to be successful.

Much like the father's blessing in the book The Blessing, this man received a mother's blessing and some very dramatic results in his life. I never cease to be amazed at the ways God desires to deal with our needs and our woundedness. Like His wonderful snowflakes He rarely makes two ministry times exactly alike. I have learned to never put God in a box!

How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, that we may serve the Living God

(Hebrews 9:14)

### Hickory Dickory Dock

Chuck and I sat in a small group of people who were eager to learn how to minister to each other in healing prayer. The group paired off in twos to ask God what was on His heart for the person we had paired off with. As we sat silently, I kept hearing, "HICKORY DICKORY DOCK. THE MOUSE RAN UP THE CLOCK". Over and over again I heard it, but kept trying to ignore it because I was trying to hear from God. This seemed to be a distraction.

When Chuck told us that it was now time to share with our partner what the Lord had given us as a word for that person I felt really silly because all I still heard was, "Hickory, dickory dock. The mouse ran up the clock". My prior experience told me that what comes to me at a time totally surrendered to the Presence of the Lord is often right on. So I turned to the woman next to me and said, "I keep hearing, Hickory, dickory, dock. The mouse ran up the clock". And she began to cry.

I asked her if she could tell me if that was significant to her. She told me that when she was a little girl other children would chant that phrase to her with her name substituted for one of the words. It was a childish game that left her wounded so that she was unable to develop relationships with others. By bringing this up God was able to say to her that He was there, He knows the wound, He cares, and that He wants to remove the block that keeps her from making friends. With a simple word from God a wounded soul was taken back to the origin of a deep issue long forgotten but still damaging. It was gentle and sweet. God lovingly released her to move on in life.

Let us then approach the throne of Grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

(Hebrews 4:16)

### What About Bob?

Deborah had given her life to Jesus in June of 1992. Several weeks later, we were praying over her to receive the baptism of the Spirit at our home group. Every couple of moments I would look up at her husband, Bob, who was sitting on the steps near her, watching us pray for her. All of this was new to him and I was a little concerned that he would feel uneasy about our praying over his wife. As I considered these thoughts I kept hearing within myself, "WHAT ABOUT BOB?".

I tried to dismiss this question because Chuck and I had recently seen the movie, "What About Bob?", and I thought I was just being weird. But I kept hearing it, "WHAT ABOUT BOB?". I decided there was no harm in asking. So finally I realized that God was trying to speak to me in a funny fashion and went over to Bob. I asked him if he had given his life to Jesus and he hadn't. I asked him if he wanted to give his life to Jesus and he said that he did. We prayed together. He gave his life to Jesus.

Then I told him that it is always good to tell someone about his decision to receive Jesus. Just then big Jack bounced over to Bob and I sitting on the stairs and said, "What's up?" Bob said that he gave his life to Jesus. Big Jack reached down, picked up Bob in a giant bear hug with Bob's feet dangling in the air, and rejoiced with him. Then Bob told Deborah. She shouted with joy!

What about Bob? Well, now there was a couple in the kingdom because God spoke in a very unusual way. I could have easily ignored this gentle urging of the Spirit as some kind of weirdness within me, and no doubt there is weirdness, but I chose to search it out to see if indeed it was God's timing for the greatest miracle of all, a soul coming into life through Jesus. I love God's sense of humor and I am delighted with the way He speaks!

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings

(Proverbs 25:2)

### Vegetables

In the Fall of 1991, I kept thinking that God might be telling me to eat my vegetables. I put it off as my feeling guilty for having a poor diet and ignored the many times I thought about eating vegetables.

Then I went with a friend to hear a woman from Tennessee speak on healing. After the woman, Merna I think her name was, spoke, she invited the people to come up for prayer.

Some people were healed of physical ailments and others were told wonderful words from God. I went up last and requested prayer for an ear infection. Merna began to pray and stopped mid-sentence. In her Tennessee accent she said, "Honey, you need to eat your vegetables!". Was God funny or what?

Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires .of your heart.

(Psa 37:4 )

### Toyota

Chuck had bought a Toyota Land cruiser some years back, from a woman who sold it cheap after the engine caught fire, burning out most of the wiring and some of the dash board. Chuck worked on the car for years without much success and little progress, though he is an excellent mechanic. At times it would run, but for the most part the vehicle seemed "jinxed".

One day, while reading Blessing and Curse by Derek Prince, Chuck decided that the car just had too much "stuff" on it (our way of saying that there must be demonic activity attached to it). The previous owner had placed demonic symbols on the car, which we had scraped off, but something just kept the car from being drivable. We had prayed over the vehicle and anointed it with oil but the car never got to where we could d rive it legally on the street. It just sat for about six years.

Also, ever since we bought the car, our finances were strange. We always had enough money but never got ahead. Chuck earned enough but it just disappeared like we had a hole in our pockets. This seemed to coincide with some of the results of curses that we had read about in Derek's book.

So, immediately after Chuck decided that the car had too much demonic "stuff" on it he went to a guy who had planned on buying the vehicle for fifteen hundred dollars and told the man he could have the car for nothing. Chuck explained why he was giving it away but that didn't seem to matter to Bob. Chuck signed the car over to Bob. Then Chuck and I decided that God would certainly bless our finances by the next day. Well, the next day we got a call from a friend who took us out to look at a piece of property. After we walked around on the property, the man said that God told him to buy the two acres and give it to us.

We would have never figured that such a thing could be true, curses on cars that is. We had nothing to lose since the car would never run adequately enough to pass emissions. In our attempt to please God and our willingness to take a step of faith we came to a new revelation.

Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

(Jonah 2:8)

God loves to bring healing through His Presence. He heals physical bodies, wounded hearts, relationships, cars, finances, and our crushed spirits. Whatever we bring to Him and yield to Him, will be touched in some way by His healing Presence, if we devote our hearts to Him, lift up our hands to Him, put away the sin that is in our hands, and allow no evil to dwell in our tent.

### Atheists and Agnostics

Dearest Prodigal,

The Holy Spirit didn't have a job description in my spiritual reality. The Spirit was an insignificant Being that we didn't need to bother ourselves with. Even if the Holy Spirit was to be believed in I would have never guessed that we could actually know Him. I couldn't imagine that I could have the friendship of the Holy Spirit!

Since the Holy Spirit is God as much as the Father and Jesus, not believing in the Holy Spirit made me an atheist. Not believing that we can actually know the Holy Spirit made me an agnostic. That is how serious it was for me to not believe! He, beyond a shadow of a doubt believes that He is God! We should treat Him as God!

When the Holy Spirit began to be included in my prayer life and I prayed in the Spirit I began to see results beyond anything I had seen before. When I began to acknowledge, speak to, and adore the Holy Spirit my life almost exploded with life, with new life, abundant fife. My prayers were answered, witnessing became thrilling, dreams came that told me of things to come, visions showed me the way or gave me insight! The Heart of the Father fell on me so that I began to know how He felt about people and myself, and as I prayed I would find a myself in a place of prayer that I have never imagined before.

There is a deeper place of prayer where I actually know that God hears me. I sense Hs Presence, feel His heart, and often know what His will is. Sometimes I know the answer before I even ask. This is a place of abiding in Him and coming into the throne room of God.

I used to pray, talking to God., But now do something deeper. I pray with Him. I come into agreement with Him. I pray what is on His heart. I join Him in His achievements. As a result I become an answer to many of those prayers. I abide in prayer. Prayer is no longer only me talking to God. It is communion with Him on a friendship level. We come together and enjoy each other all day long Whenever He says to do something, in the middle of our conversation, I go do it. Whenever He stops me and says, "By the way, see that man over there? Tell him that I love him.", I go tell him because I have come to discover that when God says to do something there will be a result in the Kingdom of God.

The Holy Spirit is the One who speaks to us the hidden things of God. To know the Heart of the Father we must treasure it and guard it, keeping it holy. To be included in on the plan of God is to be entrusted with the Kingdom of God.

A true intercessor will treat the things of God as holy . The .true intercessor does not take his relationship with God lightly. The. true intercessor will not harbor sin or wrong attitudes that would hinder this communion, nor would he dare to miss an appointment with such an awesome friend. The true intercessor is energized by prayer. It is his lifeline to reality. He would go nowhere without it. He prays without ceasing because it is the power of God displayed through the Holy Spirit. The true intercessor does not visit this place of abiding with God. He lives there!

There are no "special" people in God's kingdom, just those who are close to Him and those who are not. That distance is decided by us. God hates sin, but He hates it because of the distance it creates between Him and ourselves. He hates that distance so much that He gave His only Son to die for us to take away the wall between us. The Father's greatest desire toward us is fellowship, no distance between Him and us, and communion through His Spirit. There are no "special" people, just people who have come to realize that He is special.

# PRAYING THE STREETS OF BOULDER

### God's Justice Through Prayer - Hinn

Since being filled with the Holy Spirit I have prayed the streets of Boulder, walking along wherever I felt I should go while talking to God. My method is simple. I just ask God what His heart is and then pray it. I have no intention of talking to anyone. I'm just there to pray. Sometimes, however, when I ask what the Father's heart is, I hear Him respond in unusual ways and I find myself doing the things He says to do. I listen, then pray or do the heart of the Father.

On one of my treks through our town early on in my prayer walking experience, I came upon the Court House, where the Lord stopped me and told me to go inside to pray for the Believers who were taken to court unjustly, who the enemy had placed in bondage. He said that the Believers didn't even know their own innocence. Deception and injustice had been established against those who belong to Jesus. So I entered the Court House and walked up and down the long corridor that ran the length of the building into which all the court rooms opened and prayed that the justice of God would prevail. I prayed that those who were being held unjustly by the enemy would be released and win their cases, that the jury would vote in their favor, that the witnesses against them would be confounded or would instead tell the truth, that the judges would find the accusations unfounded, and that everything would come out in the favor of the Children of God and those who called upon His name.

Every day for a week and a half God would stop me at this same place in my walk and have me pray the same prayer. I remember thinking to myself that it was an unusual prayer in that it was highly unlikely that I would ever know the results of my praying, but I still felt honored that God would call me to do such a thing and that if He bothered to have me do it He was sure to make something happen for someone.

I had not told Chuck about my praying at the Court House because it seemed so insignificant. After the end of the week and a half was done, however, I went to pick Chuck up at work. He began to tell me of this man he worked with and his incredible story.

During the past week and a half Hin had been in the Court House with his wife and had been involved in a court case in which a doctor had wrongly diagnosed his wife, she almost died of cancer, and she was no longer able to have children. Their hospital bills were very high as a result and they decided to "break even" in court in a suit against the doctor who had wrongly diagnosed her. They had no intentions of making money, just paying for their financial losses and making it known that the doctor should be in question.

On the first day the jury had seemed to be biased against Hin and his wife. They had one lawyer and one witness, while the opposition had three lawyers and three witness. Hin and his wife went out into the hall and without either of them knowing it at the time they each prayed to Jesus because He had gotten them miraculously through some near fatal situations while making their escape from Vietnam on a small boat. The first day was Monday as I was told. God called for prayer beginning on Tuesday, the following day.

Well at the end of the week and a half one doctor of the opposing side had been disqualified for having inadvertently talked to a witness. The other two doctors on the opposition began to state that Hin indeed had a case against this doctor in question. Everything turned out to Hin's favor with no need for the jury to vote! The judge made the decision in Hin's favor!

Chuck and I were able to share this incident of prayer with Hin and his wife. It has brought them closer to the reality of Jesus. Hin asks many questions, but he is still not able to fully accept that Jesus is the only way. We expect that God is doing a fine job of slowly bringing him and his family to know beyond a doubt that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life.

prayer became a great blessing to us and others. I'm glad that God, in His love, cared enough to stop someone long enough to cry out for justice.

Truth is nowhere to be found, and whoever shuns evil becomes a prey. The Lord looked and was displeased that there was no justice. He saw that there was no one, He was appalled that there was no one to intervene.

(Isaiah 59:15-16)

### The Zeal of the Lord

There are pastors on their faces crying out to God for zeal and cannot seem to find it. It is something almost every new believer starts out with. The zeal of the Lord is the heart of the Father!

Zeal is that fire of the Lord that comes to us through the Spirit of God. It is a fire that is so intense that at times we become consumed by it. To be consumed is to be "destroyed so as by fire" (Webster). In other words, our character is removed and replaced by the character of the Holy Spirit.

Whenever I have thought about Jesus driving the money changers out of the temple and "turning the tables" on them I have sensed that there was something strange about this action of Jesus. It seemed so out of His character as it is expressed to us elsewhere in the Bible. From that perspective Jesus appears to have been overcome with the Spirit to act in a fashion that was not necessarily common to His character. Is it possible that at that moment in the temple the Holy Spirit took control of Jesus and His own character was destroyed by the fire that hit Him, so much so that He was "watching the movie" as the Holy Spirit did what was on the Father's heart? I personally believe that that is what happened.

Many times I have been cautioned by God in my walk with the Holy Spirit in these past four years since coming into the Spirit to never touch the Anointing and to do no harm to His prophets. Every time there was occasion to put water on someone's zeal for the Lord to put out their fire for Jesus, the Holy Spirit would either stop me or command me to halt. He has reminded me that to quench the Holy Spirit is to put out the fire of the Spirit. That applied to the fire within myself and the fire within others. He has pointed out to me that the son's of Eli committed many crimes against the Lord and His temple and His people, but the one thing that God would no longer overlook was that they treated what was holy as common. They did not honor the Holy Spirit as God and the things of God as though they belonged to God. They came against the Anointing, the power of God through the Holy Spirit.

Today, I think that we have lost sight of the holiness of God. We take the Presence of the Holy Spirit in our midst as a common occurrence, quench the fire of the Spirit as it comes upon ourselves and others, and look down on those who have zeal, whether it is because they are different in their behavior or we are jealous or we see them as fools.

God is looking for people He can trust. He is specifically looking for people He can trust with the Anointing of that Spirit whose first name is, "Holy". He is looking for people who will not quench the Spirit on themselves or on others, regardless of any personal judgments. He is looking for those David's that are men and women after God's own heart, who will not destroy even a King Saul who is totally out of line with God, (though David had been anointed as king nearly twenty years earlier he never attempted to replace Saul) because the Anointing of God was still there on Saul as king. To touch a vessel containing the Anointing violates God Himself.

The man without the Spirit does not accept the things that are from the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to Him, and he cannot understand them because they are spiritually discerned.

(I Corinthians 2: 14)

### Jesus is Lord of Boulder - The Krishna's

Sometimes I get myself in trouble because I declare some ridiculous statement of boldness out of the blue hoping with all my heart that it will never come true. On one occasion I had responded to some believers with a statement about praying on the mall, by saying that if God wants me to stand in the middle of the mall and shout "Jesus is Lord of Boulder" I would do it (while chills went up and down my back as I dreaded the thought of ever having to do such a thing).

Well, I fully intended to mind my own business, but I found myself one day on automatic in the Spirit, a place where you feel as though you are watching the movie and you have no control over what is going to happen nor what you are about to do. The Holy Spirit just takes over.

The Krishna's were handing out books to people on the mall while chanting and playing instruments. They gave some young boys their books. I found myself telling the boys that they didn't need the books because the books dealt with mind control. The boys quickly handed me the books without my asking for them. As I turned around the leader caught my eye and I knew in my spirit that he was placing curses on me, so I automatically found myself saying to him, "I bind you in the name of Jesus". Then two of the singers came and danced around me while chanting and I found myself again automatically placing my hand on each forehead as they danced around me while I said, "I cover you in the blood of Jesus and bind you". Without a thought, for if I had have thought about this for even a moment I would not have been able to get myself to do it, I found myself openly shouting with a heart of pure worship unto the Lord, "Jesus is Lord of Boulder!", right in the middle of this crowded outdoor mall.

I still have very little idea what I might have been doing. I did know as I raised my hand and praised the name of Jesus something was happening in the spirit realm, something powerful something big. As I went away and down the street my hands got numb and felt like they were as big as boxing gloves. They were blood red on the palms and very heavy for over an hour. I thought to myself, "Oh no. They put a curse on me".

About a month later, while still concerned about my hands getting so numb, I read The Anointing by Benny Hinn. As I read about his hands getting numb much like mine, the Spirit landed on me and I sat there sobbing in the Spirit. What a joy it was to know that it was the Anointing on my hands and not a curse!

From that point on my hands have gotten numb whenever I am around witchcraft, or demonic control. On one occasion I was praying the streets of Boulder and found my hands to be numb for a short time. I stopped and walked back up the sidewalk until my hands were numb again and turned to see African masks in the window of the store.

Look at the nations and watch -- and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told.

(Habakkuk 1:5)

# THE VINDICATION OF GOD

One of the most marvelous gifts of God to us is His vindication, vindication that cannot be separated from His justice, His faithfulness, and His love. God loves to vindicate us!

When we come into an understanding of God's vindication by experience, we will inherit an eagerness to watch the God of the universe do His "stuff". It is marvelous to watch God heal people and it is awesome to have Him provide for our needs at just the last moment, but it is just as heavenly to let God vindicate us, because once He does this miraculous feat (in His timing), the arguments of men cease, issues are settled, or our integrity is established before men. When God supernaturally endorses someone it is only a foolish man who will contest it.

### Bonnie

Chuck and I felt led to start a home group. Our church already had many of them and new groups were encouraged. Those who wished to be leaders were to meet with the pastor of home groups in order to be approved by him, so Chuck and I met with Pastor Steve who seemed to be in agreement with our starting a group. But, a couple who was afraid that our starting a group would diminish their attendance in their group (since we were in their home group) lodged some complaints against Chuck and I. They said that we would not make good home group leaders because our marriage relationship was not good. Bonnie had apparently talked to Penny and Penny declared me a lesbian. Pastor Steve did not know us well enough to discount the testimony of people he knew quite well so he was backing off of us as home group leaders.

Chuck and I were a bit hurt by the accusations but did our best to trust God to rectify the situation. We were told by Pastor Steve to submit to our accusers, serve them, and bless them. Serve them? Bless them? We struggled with this concept for quite some time but did what we were told. I had even been told by my accuser to stop sharing the wonderful things that God was doing in and through me. I was not to give praise reports because, as she put it, "They were too precious to share". I was to submit to and bless this?

It was at this time that I had gone home in sobs, praying, "God do You want me to stop sharing? They seem to think that to share is pride and to shut up is humility." At this, God responded with, "THE HEAVENS DECLARE MY GLORY. THE FIRMAMENT SHOWS MY HANDIWORK. MY PEOPLE ARE TOO HUMBLE TO PRAISE ME!"

Every week, as we attended this couple's home group in order to be submissive to them, I would sit there the whole time sobbing. There was absolutely nothing I could do to stop sobbing. I would think that perhaps I should go outside and cry but then I would not be sitting under them as I was told. So, every week for about four weeks I just sat there and sobbed. I was aware at the time, and am much more clearly aware now that my sobbing was the broken heart of God. He was sobbing over their inability to know His heart.

The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.

(Proverbs 18:17)

### A Rueful Word

On April 17, 1991, a couple weeks after the accusations of Chuck's and my marriage not being good enough for us to be home group leaders, there was a conference at our church. One of the visiting speakers was a prophetic man, Brent Rue, who talked on the prophetic and then spoke a few words from God to several people in the crowd of fifteen hundred. From out of this crowd, Brent asked Chuck and I to stand and he preceded to speak these words from God over us, We were stunned that his Words from God were so to the point.

"The Lord says that you are compatible together, that the two are become one, that you are a team, there is complementary anointing and gifting in your lives, that you are comfortable with each other.

And the Lord wants me to ask you the question, "WILL YOU ALLOW ME TO BRING CHANGE?", because you are about to go through significant change. The winds of change are all over you. And I think it's going to be (he paused and laughed) a lot of change. It's going to be across the board change.

He's making you two as a parable. As people get a little bit older they tend to settle down and get their roots and get all their securities around them. The Lord says I am going to make a parable out of you two, that you are ones who hunger and thirst after Me and I'm going to turn up the flame. I'm going to ignite the fire even greater, that you won't care about anything, that you are going to hunger and thirst after Me and that you will be an example to those who are looking to tie themselves down, and you will be a model to see how you can be freed up.

The Lord says that He has taught you how to counsel. He's now breathing into you teaching, new teaching. He's given you life and things to say, but He's going to walk you through these things so that the words you share will be a testimony rather than something perceived from a book or from some educational process. So change is coming your way, but He's asking you the question. He's not going to kick your door down."

Pastor Steve was in the congregation at the time Brent spoke these words over us Brent's last name is Rue which means, "to feel remorse or regret". The word he gave caused us to feel the remorse or regret of God over what had been done to us. Afterward Pastor Steve came up to Chuck and I and said, "Well, that settles that", meaning that the accusations were unfounded, or at least God was wanting to establish us and confirm that our relationship was one and compatible and that we were a team. Our accusers never did speak to us about this even though they were there to hear these words of the Lord. They believed Penny rather than God.

Even today, as we wait for the vindication of the Lord in our new circumstances of false accusation and slander, we are aware that there is nothing we can say or do to make the truth known about our hearts and intentions. We would rather let God do that in His own way because when He does it in His timing He will clear us with those people for a very long time and will bring our accusers to a place before God where they will have no question that they have not come against us but against the Anointing of God.

He [Jesus] appeared in a body, was vindicated by the Spirit, was seen by angels, was preached among the nations, was believed on in the world, and was taken up in glory

( I Timothy 3: 16) (brackets mine)

### The Valley of Deception

To the degree that we give ourselves to darkness - we are not given to God

• If we don't accept God's love - we are more likely to accept perversion

• If we cannot accept God's truth - we are more likely to accept a lie

• In what we cannot accept of the Light - we become given to darkness

• Where we do not choose life - we are left to indulge in death

• The less we are yielded to the Holy Spirit - the more we walk in the flesh

To the degree that we give ourselves to God - the less we walk in darkness

• If we accept God's love - we will no longer be drawn to perversion

• If we accept His truth - we are no longer taken by lies

• As we walk in the light - we no longer walk in darkness

• Where we choose life - we no longer walk in spiritual death

• The more we are yielded to the Holy Spirit - the less we walk in the flesh

I have come to believe that it is not necessary to dwell in the desert. Perhaps the Lord will change my view on this in the future, but for now I find myself dwelling in the "parched land" only when I am rebellious, when I refuse to enter the Promised Land, and when I forget to enter into His rest. For now, I find myself playing in His Presence, lying down by still waters, and experiencing that abundant life of the Father dwelling in me, breathing life into me that Jesus so longed for me to abide within.

There are, however, places of trials and testings of God. These are not to be equated with the deserts that we are forced into by our rebellion -- not places of punishment, but a "mission of the heart" where God stands back to see what, or rather WHO we are made of. Deserts of rebellion are like prisons that we are made captive to by our sin or the sin that has been done against us that brings us into bitterness and torment. Those are places we dwell within.

The Wilderness of Testing, on the other hand, is a place we only visit, where we, like an Indiana Jones, discover hidden passageways, wells of living waters that flow deep and unnoticed, walk by the skill of past training which by reason of use have brought us to learn to discern between good and evil. It is a place where we cling tenaciously to the promises of God and the "maps" He has given us in His Word in order to go through these deserts. And ultimately trials of God have a treasure to be sought and once we find that treasure for which He has sent us, we instantly become translated back into the green pastures and still waters where we lie content in His Presence. It is a treasure hunt!

### A Treasure Hunt

Most of my life has been spent in deserts of rebellion, the Valley of Deception as I call it now. It never seemed to be by choice on my part. It was as though I had been born there. It was for me a prison that I so dwelled within that I had no idea that there was any other place to live.

As I have come out of this Valley of Deception I have begun to see more clearly, and in the process have come to know that I had been blinded to think that I was appointed to dwell in the desert. What is before my eyes now is a picture of the passion of the Father's heart to have intimate friendship with us. There is no desert in His Presence, no darkness in the Splendor of His Holiness, and in this place where I stand is the cry of a heart to be filled again with bread and wine from His table, a cry that comes from having just tasted and seen that He is too good to ever again be a distant friend.

When the Lord drew my attention to Psalm 68:6b to the phrase, "The rebellious dwell in a parched land", I recognized that there was a reason that we do find deserts in our lives. There, standing on the edge of the desert I had just come out of, I responded to the Lord with a heart that said, "But Lord, I am not rebellious". He then gently but firmly asked me how I spelled the word rebellion. I said, "R-E-B-E-L-L-I-O-N", and He responded by saying that He spelled rebellion, "N-O". "But, Lord, I don't say NO to You", I replied. Then He began to remind me of how a child says "no".

When a child is no longer allowed to say the word "no" the child will begin to ignore you, turning his whole body away from you and perhaps walk away altogether. If the child is not allowed to ignore you and walk away he will learn to not show up at all and may hide in his room or hang out with friends, avoiding opportunity for instruction and correction. If he is forced to show up, not allowed to say "no", and not allowed to ignore you he will then refuse to perform or obey.

Perhaps worse yet, a small child may clinch his fits as you say, "Look at me". You think you have made progress because he is looking at you, but inside of him his little spirit is shouting, "NO!", if he is rebellious. Though his little body is right there in front of you and his eyes are looking into yours, his little spirit has turned around and away from you. He may perform all that you have asked him to do and even pretend to have a good attitude about it but his little spirit is turned around in rebellion, something that will show up powerfully one day when he realizes that he is bigger or stronger or smarter than you. Rebellion is dangerous!

This is what God was getting at with me. As a child, I performed out of fear of more abuse. I even learned to get my self to pretend obedience as best I could. It was my only defense in the situation I was subject to. But now God was showing me that my little spirit was still turned around, responding to Him with full surrender until things got tough. Though I very much loved God and did indeed sit in His Presence of holiness, moving only by His voice, desiring to have His heart in all of it, God was now in the process of turning my spirit around. He was creating a person who was no longer on the defensive but on the offensive, one that was no longer easily fallen into the "lukewarm" but able to move violently forward, set on fire to take the Kingdom by force.

I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

(Matt. 18:3-4)

### Hot and Cold Running Water

When I came into the Spirit in 1990, with eyes to see and ears to hear, I became acutely aware that I had not only been in the desert because of my rebellion but that I was there because I was reaping what I had sown. All of my previous excuses for rudeness toward Him went out the window. I could no longer point to the abuse I had suffered and the missed opportunities of this world. It was clear that they were for the most part only symptoms of the place I had chosen to live.

In Revelation chapter three it is said to the church of the Laodacians, "I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of My mouth ". And as I have heard these words so many times before I have always wondered why He would prefer that we were cold than to be lukewarm. To be cold is to want nothing to do with Him. Why would He prefer that we have nothing to do with Him than to be nominal in our dedication to Him?

As I thought about this the Lord reminded me of a young man that I worked with in south Denver, Colorado. Scott was brilliant and very talented both musically and artistically. After years of drug usage, however, he had lost his ability to focus for long periods of time.

In Scott's first week of work he decided to go home to Longmont via Interstate 25, instead of driving along the foothills, a trip that should have taken about an hour. Scott was comfortable and unconcerned about his drive home until he came upon a sign that read "Welcome to Wyoming". He had driven an hour and a half too far and missed the signs along the way that told him that he had gone in the wrong direction, completely out of the state. Perhaps if it were not dark as he drove he would have recognized some familiar landmarks. Regardless, Scott was deceived for quite some time as to where he was going.

I saw clearly that most of my life lacked focus on the Lord. I was focused on the things of the Lord and not the Lord Himself. I was relatively comfortable as I veered off course. In the darkness, I did not notice the familiar landmarks of oppression and depression that would have told me that I had gone another way, for we go forth with joy and are lead with peace in His Presence. Somehow I had even become so accustomed to depression that I thought that God was guiding me by depression. Now, with my eyes opened, I recognized clearly that depression was not one of the fruit of the Spirit and that I had not been led by the Spirit into that desert. Even the Scriptures that would have led me back on course were misunderstood while read in the darkness.

As I pondered on how it was that I had gotten so far away from my original intentions the Lord pointed out to me that I had made self-focus my significance. Self-pity had so captured my mind and heart that I lost focus on Him. My lifestyle of pity parties and crying out to the Lord only in my woundedness had made my "stuff" my significance so that He no longer was my first love. I had wandered into the Desert of Self.

So, in my lack of vision I was lukewarm, in the Valley of Deception. Now the Lord had shown me that when we are hot we know it, and everyone around us knows it. When we are cold we know it, and everyone around us knows it. But when we are lukewarm we think, just as I thought, that we are hot only because we are not cold. We think we are going somewhere significant only because we have not yet arrived somewhere insignificant.

In the Desert of Self I did not see the signs in the darkness that said so clearly that I was off course. One of those signs was that I always had "Vicious Yabbuts" nipping at my heals. Every time I could have moved back on course I would respond with, "Yabbut, it works for you and not for me" or "Yabbut, I've tried that and it doesn't work" or "Yabbut, I have been abused". The vicious Yabbuts were only excuses to ignore the wooing of the Spirit and to refuse to be obedient.

I had even thrown out obedience with legalism. After all, throwing out legalism gave me a good excuse to do only what I thought healthy and desirable in my own eyes. "Yabbut, God will forgive me" It became an easy out.

What remains to be seen is that if I had paid attention to all the excuses for not following through on obedience I would have noticed that I had gone off course. As a man thinks in his heart so is he and out of the abundance of his heart the mouth speaks! Now, whenever I hear the Vicious Yabbuts speaking I know that I have fallen into the Valley of Deception and have camped in the Desert of Self.

The scary part of all of this was that I never knew where I was. I did not know that I was lost. I did not know that I was rebellious. I did not know that I was reaping what I had sown. In my self-focus I did not see that I was the problem. 1 did not see that it was never His fault, but my own. I didn't even know that I was lukewarm. I even blamed God!

How do we get out of the Valley of Deception? Live in a holy desperation to never say "No" again to God. Keep Him as our focus. Recognize the warning signs of self-focus. Know that the desert is a place to which we have no calling. Abide in Him rather than the things of Him. When we hear His voice do not harden our heart.

Intimate friendship with God and lukewarm are opposing lifestyles. When we stay in intimacy we take on the heart of God and the heart of God is consumed with zeal for His house. The heart of Jesus, who ever intercedes for us at the right hand of the Father, is that of prayer. Indeed, His house, which we are, will be called a house of prayer. We will both love to talk with God and will love His people. We will display a deep zeal and love for the things that He loves.

If we do not love the things He loves we are deceived, for if we say that we love God and do not love our brothers and sisters in the Lord we are deceived.

"The rebellious dwell in a parched land"

(Psalm 68:6b)

### Blind Mice

Deception is dangerous because it leads to becoming spiritually blind. When we become spiritually blind people can confront us to our face and we will not see the point. Only the revelation of the Holy Spirit can turn it around.

How do we know we are deceived?

o We say in our heart there is no God

o We begin to mock God

o We do not love our brothers and sisters in Christ

o We no longer hear the voice of God clearly, or we hear dark things from the enemy

o We are not led by the Spirit of God

o We please men rather than God and are no longer servants of God

o We operate by an unjust scale

o We abandon the voice of God for the opinion of man

o We stop loving the things He loves

o We often excuse our bad behavior

"Woe to the obstinate children", declares: the Lord, "to those who carry out plans that are not mine, forming an alliance, but not by my Spirit, heaping sin upon sin."

(Isaiah 30:1)

### Discernment

There are some guidelines for discernment. Perhaps we all have the gift of discernment.

There is a true "check" we can get in our spirit, that twinge of awareness that something is not quite right. I get that same "check" quite often. But there are some who operate primarily upon the "check" system rather than on hearing the voice of God.

My husband has a few cute phrases that he uses on occasion. "He parks by ear" is one of those phrases. What is meant by that is that he pulls his car into the parking space until he hears the crunching sound of the bumper crushing the curb or the door scraping the car next to him.

This "check" method can be like driving by ear" that is, moving along until the person gets a "check" in his spirit is like driving until he hits something. When he hits something then he knows that he is off course and can then adjust accordingly. But why keep running into things when we can hear God's voice and even know ahead of time that we need to veer to the left or to the right? Why leave damaged people in our wake?

Discernment can be easier than we have made it. Since the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of liberty, every word of prophecy or advice or direction of God should have the earmarks of the Spirit of Liberty. Bondage is not of God, in other words.

If God is light and life, which He is, then why accept what is darkness and death as being from God? If the fruit of the Spirit is not in a person's life perhaps we are wise to beware, no matter how grand their gifting. If they cannot tell the truth or cannot confess their sins openly when it would be appropriate, beware! If there is partiality and respecter of persons, what can we expect? If we are leaders and the people closest to us will not dare correct us, what is the hedge we have built around us? Ever hear someone mocking the way someone is dressed or the car they drive or mocking a T.V. preacher? "The arrogant man – "Mocker' is his name!" (Prov. 21:24). God is, or soon will be, opposing that person!

The path of the righteous is like the first gleam of dawn, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. But the way of the wicked is like deep darkness; they do not know what makes them stumble.

(Prov. 4:18-19)

# THE FATHER'S HEART

Dearest Prodigal –

After I had asked for the Father's heart for the woman I prayed for over a year and a half, I dared one day to ask Him for His heart toward me. I was frightened when I did ask, frightened that He might strike me with lightning, or that I might hear Him say that He was sorry that He had made me. I expected that He might begin to get on my case about my past sin, tell me how disappointed He was with me for being so far away for so long, and tell me that He was finished with me. I expected the worst!

What could I lose? I was miserable where I was. So I quietly said the words, "Father, what is Your heart toward me?" Not only did He express His joy over who I was, He wrapped me in His Presence so that I felt as though He had been waiting all my life for me to ask that question. His joy and His love were so overwhelming that all I could do was to sit there and cry.

My Father tenderly spoke of how precious I was to Him, showed me how that He had been there for me all along, and had wept over me for things that people had done to me. I saw how broken He was that I had been abused by people, how His heart ached over the distance my isolation had created between myself and others, how His heart broke over my loneliness and being abandoned, and how much He desired to sit with me to turn it all around.

As I listened to Him tell me day after day what His heart was toward me, I began to heal of all the inner struggles, wounds, and memories. Sometimes I fully accepted what He said while at other times it was difficult to allow Him to touch those deepest things. The enemy did not want me to get away from his grasp, from his lies, so the darkness kept after me to not believe this loving God. A battle raged!

When I first came into the Spirit, the enemy taunted me with accusations of unworthiness so heavily that for about two years I literally wore headphones all night, listening to worship music, to penetrate the darkness, just as King David played the harp for King Saul to quiet the spirit of torment that had come upon him as a result of Saul's rebellion toward God.

Not only did the battle rage within me, but the enemy started using the brothers and sisters in order to accuse, slander, and to put out the fire God had put in my heart for Him. They obviously did not see what the Father's heart was toward me. They did not see how He rejoiced that I had returned, that He had received me just as I was, that His desire was to envelope me in love. They only saw how much I needed to change. They were in agreement with the devil.

As those brothers and sisters who were closest to me and able to do the most for me in the Name of Jesus, those who chose not to have the Father's heart toward me, hated to touch a prodigal returned, wouldn't dare hug me, sometimes refused to pray for me, out of jealousy put down the Anointing that God had placed on me, and even excluded me from serving Him because in their eye I was not totally clean as they were, the Holy Spirit hovered over me and guarded me like a mother who would give up her own life for her child. It has been in these excruciating times that I have seen my Father chase away the enemy and rebuke the devourer. I have watched Him vindicate and guard me whenever I chose to no longer run from people and circumstances, but to trust in Him to deal with it all. What I have found is that my Heavenly Father loves to bring justice and restoration and vindication when we are vulnerable and totally dependent upon Him.

He wants me to share with you the deepest joys and most excruciating circumstances, not in order to diminish those who have misunderstood and have perhaps even joined the enemy in coming against the heart of the Father toward me, but because He wants you to see how He works and how we are to respond to difficult things. This is not an easy thing to write about, partly because it is still painful. But, He chooses that I become vulnerable and transparent with you so that you can see more clearly how to walk through your own trials.

There are brothers and sisters who will not have the Spirit of Christ, those who will not read this with the heart of the Father, who may feel that I am too honest. It is not to those that I write. It is to you that I write, you who have been sinned against, abused and lonely. I write this to you who are the army of God about to come forth out of the highways and byways to love the unlovely and to embrace sinners. This is written to those of you who will love much because you have been forgiven much, who know their Heavenly Father's love and mercy so deeply that you would never turn a prodigal away.

The "End Time Army" of God will exude with His heart, with His mercy, His love, His justice, and His holiness! You will adore His sheep. You will love His church. You will desire to never leave His Presence again. You will destroy vain imaginations and religious tradition that does not come from the move of the Holy Spirit! Your liberty in Christ will be challenged! Some of you will be martyred because your hearts have been so captured by His awesome splendor that you will fear nothing! But most of all, you will be the force that unites the Body of Christ in the End Times because you will love much because you have been forgiven much!

Therefore you shepherds, hear the word of the Lord: "As surely as I live", declares the Sovereign Lord, "because My flock lacks a shepherd and has become food for all the wild animals, and because my shepherds did not search for my flock but cared for themselves rather than for my flock, therefore, 0 shepherds, hear the word of the Lord: I am against the shepherds and will hold them accountable for my flock. I will remove them from tending my flock so that the shepherds can no longer feed themselves. I will rescue my flock from their mouths, and it will no longer be food for them." "Therefore this is what the Sovereign Lord says to them: See, I myself will judge between the fat sheep and the lean sheep. Because you shove with flank and shoulder, butting all the weak sheep with your horns until you have driven them away, I will save My flock and they will no longer be plundered. I will judge between one sheep and another."

(Ezekiel 34:7-10 and 20)

# THE FEAR OF THE LORD

Just as Abraham had to choose between Isaac and his God, we are sometimes tested to choose between our Isaac and God. Those things or people in our lives that are precious to us may be held out in front of us before God for us to make a choice between the temporal and the eternal.

In fall of 1990, when I first determined to seriously walk after God no matter the cost, my heart was broken with a realization that I must choose between my husband, Chuck, and my God. As God held out this vision in my mind He gently asked me to choose who I would desire most to please. It was a difficult thing to decide to allow God to have the place in my heart that my husband occupied. Chuck and I were best friends who rarely had disagreement. We did everything together. We had a relationship that many people around us envied. Now God wanted me to love and obey Him more than Chuck. This was not license to treat our marriage in an unholy fashion but a choice to put Jesus first in my heart.

"What if Chuck feels left out and abandons me in my transfer of love to give God first place in my heart?" "Will I stop loving Chuck as I begin to love God with all my heart and mind and strength? Will there be room for Chuck in my heart if I give all of it to God'?" My questions were many as I tried to make the choice of where my loyalty would lie.

I was filled with a holy desperation to be close to God. I longed to be rid of the pain and darkness within me. I was jealous of those who had close relationship with God. I knew down deep inside me that I had no choice but to choose God and to pray that the place Chuck had in my heart would be taken care of by the love I had not yet known that was in God's heart for Chuck and I together.

My heart broke as I made the choice of giving God first place. I committed my heart to whatever He wanted no matter the cost, no matter how painful, frightening, or humiliating. I gave Him my Isaac. It has been almost four years since I made that decision. Chuck and I have grown more in the last four years than we have ever grown in our lives. God is now uppermost on both our minds as we desire with a passion to serve Him. God used my decision to seek Him with all my heart and mind and strength to make Chuck jealous for the victories I was now experiencing, to see them occur in his life as well. Chuck has run to catch up with me spiritually and in some ways has run right on past me. I am sometimes running to catch up with him in the things God is doing in his life.

The Isaacs are well worth giving up. We do not walk away from the Isaacs but place them behind God in importance in our hearts, unless they are obvious sins that must go. It is a matter of priority of relationship, what holds our admiration and dedication.

Those who cling to worthless idol's forfeit the grace that could be theirs.

(Job 2:8 )

### Obedience

There are places of walking with God that may never be understood by those around us.

Like Caleb we may begin to walk with a different spirit, a spirit that hears a call from God or knows the heart of God in a situation which causes us to move contrary to the flow of others around us. In this "different" movement through situations, or life itself, we may unintentionally offend those who want our attention or favor. We may go contrary to their desires. We may bless what they hate or remove ourselves from what they love. We may speak the truth in love, but still be seen as going against their wishes.

Obedience to the Lord will be tested by the Lord Himself. It is the fear of the Lord that He is looking for in our lives. When we fear what others think or what we may lose we are no longer walking in the fear of the Lord and it is He that is not pleased. But if we aim to please Him we may find that there will be some people who will not be pleased.

Years ago, I went with a friend to visit family. Her cousin Bill, a policeman, had a German Shepherd and another medium sized dog. Bill had trained the German Shepherd as a police dog.

While visiting, Bill cut up some very nice pieces of steak and dropped a large piece into the German Shepherd's mouth. Just as the meat touched the German Shepherd's tongue, Bill gave a command. Without flinching, the German Shepherd let the meat drop to the floor where the smaller dog ate it. The whole time, the German Shepherd never took his eyes off Bill, never looked down to the other dog eating his portion, did not even blink, and never pulled his tongue in to taste what was lost. Then Bill rewarded him with his portion and a lot of love.

As I watched, the German Shepherd, I was aware that our obedience to God must be the same, with our eyes fixed on Jesus the author and finisher of our faith. we are, at times, not to blink, not to mourn the loss of things gone by at His command, and not feel envy toward those who appear to get our portion in this life. Just as the police dog's value was determined by his ability to not take his portion, our value can be measured by our sacrifices for the Master. Just as the German Shepherd kept his eyes on the one he loved, we need to keep our eyes on the One we love, no matter what the loss may at first appear to be. As the police dog refused to eat at his master's command, because he was trained to reject meat that may be poisoned by someone or given to him as a distraction that would endanger his master, we may be commanded by God to reject something very healthy in order to practice obedience to our Master's voice where the enemy would poison us or distract us. The enemy's main tactic is to get us to focus on the losses rather than on the Master,

I had a call to intercession for a woman that God was very intently bringing into prominence. In my obedience to follow through with words and actions that God placed upon my heart, I found that a close friend became jealous of this other person being on my heart.

My good friend was unable to resolve the fact that another person was sharing some of my time and my heart and she ceased being my friend altogether. It was an excruciating parting but I would not give up God's call. And I would not give up God's call because I knew that it would be more than that, it would be to give up intimate friendship with my Lord in order to keep my friend.

How can I repay the Lord for all his goodness to me? I will lift up the cup of salvation and call on the name of the Lord. I will fulfill my vows to the Lord in the presence of all his people.

(Psalm 116:12-14)

### Jealousy

There are times when the Lord may promote us into positions that others wished to receive. Reactions of jealousy may show up in our church settings. Some may be jealous of another's gifting, or of a position that the other may have been promoted into, or the limelight that may come from obedience in the Lord.

I had a friend who was highly anointed. I looked up to her for instruction and direction as I was new in the things of the Spirit. This woman continually withheld guidance and information from me. When I asked her if she would help me in my growing she sharply responded, "No". It wasn't until a year later that she finally confessed to me that she was jealous of what the Lord was doing in me.

When these tests and trials surface it is often tempting to give up what God has given us or become bitter. We may even forfeit our intimacy with God if we are not alert to the purposes of God, over the purposes of men.

It is good that you should take hold of this, and from that withhold not your hand; for he who fears God shall come forth from them all.

(Eccl. 7:18 )

### When the Enemy Notices

In July of 1991, Chuck and I sat under a teaching by Mahesh Chavda, a mighty minister of the gospel to Africa, who has seen God do awesome miracles of healing. At the end of the teaching he said that God wanted him to pray onto us the anointing that he had.

As we held our hands up to God to receive this anointing to heal the sick, raise the dead, and cast out demons I felt nothing. Chuck and I went to lunch in a nearby food court, however, and as I passed a bag lady she growled at me, "SHUUUT UP!" This was not a normal voice I heard.

I quickly decided that I would go to the other side of the room to get something to eat, but much to my surprise God very clearly spoke to me and said, "GO BACK AND PUT THE BLOOD OF JESUS ON HER". I had never heard of such a thing and even felt that it bordered on being sacrilegious. He said it again and told me that the kingdom of Satan had just come against the kingdom of God and that I must not let it go.

I thought I would do a run-by and disappear, but as I came up behind the woman and said, "I put the blood of Jesus on you", she snarled and kicked the chair to her left where I was about to pass. Immediately I went into the "movie" where I had no control over what I was doing or saying. I turned to her and said, "I bind you and silence you in the name of Jesus!" "THAT DOES IT!" she growled as she came after me while rolling up her sleeves.

My mind raced through the warning I had been given in my church as a youth which said not to mess with those who were demonic or they would tear your clothes off. I thought to myself, "Oh no, she's going to tear my clothes off!", as she stopped about five feet from me. The Holy Spirit kept saying to me, "YOU HAVE THE ANOINTING. YOU HAVE THE ANOINTING." Again I found myself binding and silencing the demons on this woman. Then she called out to the security guard on the other side of the room, "Security guard. Oh security guard!", only her voice was now like that of a sweet young mother who bakes cookies for two year olds.

She kept looking at me to see if I would look at the security guard and I almost did accept that the Lord stopped me from doing so. She repeated this action of calling out to the security guard and looking to see if I would take my eyes off of her. Again God would not let me look away from her. I was still in that automatic move of the Spirit where I was not doing it but God was doing it.

Then she ordered me to leave the food court. Instantly I responded, "No, you leave, in the name of Jesus!" She turned in a huff and picked up her stuff.

As she left I felt sorry for her, now that the "movie" had ended. I said, "God, I hope she knows that I was not yelling at her but at the demons." God responded by telling me that the voices in her head had imprisoned her for years. She knew Who had silenced them and that Jesus had overcome them. He said that she knew about Him and now that the enemy was silent and bound she had a "window" in which she could call on the name of the Lord and be saved. God bless her!

Since then, when I pray the streets of our city there have been times when demoniacs have snarled at me, once while I was praying in tongues silently on a bus, and other times when praying for people on the outdoor mall. The enemy knows who is wearing the anointing and who is not!

Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

(James 4:7)

### Cancer?

In October of 1991, I went to the doctor for a checkup and she found that, perhaps I had uterine cancer. I was nervous about this as Chuck and I went to a Vineyard conference in Ottawa, Canada within a week after I found this out. At the conference John Wimber had people come forward for prayer for healing of cancer and a wonderful woman prayed with me. Sharon told me that God was not done with me. That meant that I was not to die of cancer. Thank You Jesus!

Later the tests turned out negative but I had had a biopsy in the process. When I met with the Branches group a day after this Margaret asked them to pray for me but they made excuses. Margaret was visibly upset but said nothing more. It made no sense that they would not pray for me. I was weak and barely able to sit through the meeting, but I kept silent.

All a man's ways seem innocent to him, but motives are weighed by the Lord.

(Proverbs 16:2 )

### The Respect of Man

In September 1991, the following month, Branches staff was considering getting together for about ten weeks for study on spiritual warfare. By this time I was on Branches staff and Penny told me one day in the Branches office that I had a word for her in regard to the classes on spiritual warfare that were to begin. I said that I thought God gave me a verse for her but that when I looked it up the verse ended in a negative manner. By this time Chuck and I had been going to the Vineyard for a year and a half and I was aware that I should withhold any negative words so I insisted that I shouldn't give it to her. Though I resisted giving it to her she insisted that I must. The verse was Isaiah 30:15, "This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it"'.

During these weeks of classes a young woman named Jan came to the staff meetings. I was uncomfortable about the way she sort of took over the meetings and how later she actually did take over the teachings. Penny gave over the staff meetings entirely to Jan toward the end and Jan wasn't even a part of staff. Jan began to speak to Penny on the side about some concerns she had with Margaret so that Penny began to turn against Margaret, behind her back. I was very concerned about Jan's perceptions because God had so intently called me to pray Margaret into restoration through healing of woundedness. Jan seemed intent upon bringing down judgment.

Early in December, toward the end of these weekly classes I had a week where I was seeing a very clear vision of something that was going to happen in the next staff meeting. As I would start to speak it out to Chuck my mouth would get shut and I could not say the words. This happened three times.

The vision was of a very brutal attack on Margaret at the next meeting, where many of the staff members would come against her violently. The detail of the vision astounded me. I saw where each "key" person was going to sit. I saw my role in the activity, which was to just sit there and sob over the brutality and over the breaking of the Father's heart. I was not used to crying in front of anyone and thought it not possible for me to be responding in such a fashion. I prayed against this happening but it seemed as though God wanted it to happen. I assumed that I could not speak it aloud because God did not want the enemy to know what I knew.

At the staff meeting that followed I sat where I saw myself in the vision. I was amazed to watch everyone sit exactly where I had seen them in the vision: Toward the end of the staff meeting, Margaret announced to the staff that she was to move on and leave Branches. Penny told Margaret that she felt that she had not been comfortable with Branches. Margaret said that she had not felt as though she was accepted by the group.

Suddenly about four of the staff came at Margaret, yelling at demons that Margaret supposedly had. They alternately yelled at demons then at Margaret. They said horrible things about Margaret at times. Margaret said nearly nothing as they went on for probably twenty minutes.

I was overcome with deep sobbing through the entire event. I felt the Father's heart breaking for Margaret and for the others. When everyone calmed down three women came over to me and said, "You're crying because you have the Father's heart, aren't you?". I told them that that was true. It did not dawn on me that they were thinking that I was sobbing over Margaret's spiritual blindness. I was sobbing over their spiritual blindness and their ungodly fashion of dealing with Margaret! Everyone left pretending that all had been patched up.

Penny called me to ask if I agreed with what went on. I did not want to say anything but she insisted. I simply said, "No", and Penny became very angry. That night I had a nightmare in which three demons came face to face with me and said forcefully, "Back off! You'll not deliver any more of them!". I never have nightmares so this was very unique.

The day after ministry to Margaret, I went by to see her. She just stared into the air almost silent, except that she said she had thought of suicide. When I got home I called Penny because I was concerned about Margaret. When I told her that Margaret was considering suicide she became angry and said that she didn't have time to deal with this because she had someone in her living room she was trying to talk out of suicide from the meeting yesterday also.

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be the servant of Christ.

(Galatians 1: 10)

### I Call You ZOE

What an unusual thing I heard God say, "I call you ZOE". ZOE is a Greek word found in the verse in John 10:10 which means, "The life of the Father in you". It is that abundant life that flows from Him into us and flows out to others.

I knew that God had given names to Abraham and Peter and Paul, among others, but I had no idea that God gave names to us in our times. Names that God gives often reflect His real purpose that He intends to fulfill in our lives, such as Peter becoming a rock in the Church or Abraham becoming the father of many. I personally believe that as we come into the intended purposes of God for our lives through total abandon to Him and obedience to His purposes He will give us a new name, not by word of mouth from another but by His own voice directly spoken to us.

This name, ZOE, overwhelms me and I wonder how God will ever make that life of the Father to flow through me. Perhaps, like Peter when he denied Christ, I will have to go through incredible darkness before I will see this life become evident within me. At this point in time I do not see it, but receive it by faith that some day I will display the Father's heart in abundant life living through me.

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].

(John 10:10)

### The Shield of the Lord

The following week at staff meeting Jan led everyone to pray repentance for having Margaret on staff for six years. Each woman prayed in turn around the room until it got to me. I explained that I did not understand why we were repenting. Penny said that I had a perverse spirit because I did not agree with them. Penny asked if the women might pray for me. I agreed to let them pray to release me from a perverse spirit. Then about four of the women descended upon me in the same fashion they had prayed over Margaret, saying, "Look into my eyes" and saying negative words about me. They prayed loudly in tongues as well as English.

As I sat there I was amazed that, in place of this ugly shouting by these women, I had been surrounded by holiness. I knew for the first time what the shield of the Lord was. The Holy Spirit came around me so strongly, between them and myself, that they stopped speaking harshly to me and began to describe me with words like, "You have the Father's heart", "You are like gold, not silver but gold", "The Father loves to rest His head on you", "You are a pure vessel, so delicate, and precious". They did not realize that they were describing the Holy Spirit who had surrounded me. They thought they were describing me. I looked at Penny and knew that she knew that the Holy Spirit had protected me from them.

The following week at staff meeting I was questioned again as to whether or not I agreed with what went on with Margaret that day. I could not agree with them. And again they prayed over me. Much to my surprise, the Holy Spirit surrounded me again and protected me from their railings. They ended up again saying wonderful things about me just as they had before.

I love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise, and I am saved from my enemies.

(Psalm 18:1-3)

# THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS

### Seven Times Seventy

Where Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive someone, Jesus responded with "seven times seventy" (Matt. 18:21-22). There have been times when I have felt offended and I have found myself saying in my mind, "Seven times seventy -- you've got one more!" Then the Holy Spirit pointed out to me one day that it truly is written that we are to forgive seven times seventy but He added, "THE ONE WHO SAID SEVEN TIMES SEVENTY SAW FORGIVENESS ONLY IN THE LIGHT OF DYING FOR THE ONE WHO HAD SINNED AGAINST HIM."

As a result of that revelation from the Holy Spirit I recently found myself forgiving someone who had wronged me deeply. In my forgiveness I grappled with their unworthiness to be forgiven, struggled with how much it might look as though I were in the wrong, and ultimately desired to be like the One who saw forgiveness in the light of dying.

Forgiveness does not mean that we approve of their actions. It means that we accept the cross as sufficient. When I was finally able to forgive this person of this excruciating wound which was in my mind unforgivable evil, I found release from the on-going mental discussions and arguments I carried on in regard to that person and their supposed failure to love in the same light of revelation that I expected of them. Then, a few days later I found myself repenting to the Lord of having spoken out some words against that person, spoken out not to discredit them but to get some kind of relief from my pain. Much to my surprise I found instant forgiveness and release from my sin. In the past, my sins would haunt me off and on, but now because of my forgiving this person I was able to accept forgiveness for myself. Something very heavenly happened!

The very next day of this new forgiveness I met for breakfast with my friend J.P.. Just that week she had forgiven her husband's mistress, called this woman and told her so. J.P. experienced the same result in regard to her own feelings of being forgiven that I had discovered. As she forgave this woman she was also released to experience instant forgiveness for her own shortcomings. What an amazing confirmation of God's grace!

Some of the benefits of forgiveness are to know the suffering of Christ, to walk in the Spirit, to choose life for ourselves and others, to impart life to others through that forgiveness, and to know the heart of the Father.

NOTE: God told me once, "YOU BECOME WHAT YOU DO NOT FORGIVE".

The greatest losses in the Kingdom of God and the greatest victories of the enemy are hinged upon unforgiveness. One of the ways we truly know that we are loved is when we are forgiven, when it is undeserved. To live in unforgiveness is to live in a place of feeling unloved. "Perfect love casts out all fear" (I John 4:18) in a very real sense. When we feel unloved we also experience the anxiety of rejection, an unnecessary fear and doorway for the enemy to bring evil or sickness.

I have met people who pardon those who have offended them, only in pretense. They want to end the war so as to retain dignity or reputation but their words of forgiveness are not a true turn around of the heart. This kind of unforgiveness keeps record of wrongs, labels the offender with "history" that is held to the person's account, has made the cross of no effect, blocks the calling of God on the offender's life, and maintains a distance between them and their offender that is ungodly. It, in short, grieves the Holy Spirit.

Forgiveness with the heart of God is the means of closing the gap between man and Himself. God does hate sin, but I personally believe that it is not the sin He hates so much as the distance it creates between us. Jeremiah 3:19 has a phrase in it that touches me deeply with the realization of the heart of the Father who says here, "I thought you would call Me Father". Some of us need to forgive our heavenly Father and close the distance between Him and ourselves so that we can begin to know for perhaps the first time what it is to have a God we affectionately call "Father".

### My Cross is Sufficient! - Steve

My most memorable person on the mall has been Steve. I had seen him out there many times but he looked like he could be violent. He wore a black navy coat, a black Blues Brothers hat, and dark glasses. He always had headphones on and walked hunched over. He looked to be one of the hardest people to reach.

One day I saw Steve go into a shoe store on the mall and compassion started to well up in me for him. I followed him into the shoe store to just watch him and listen to how he spoke to the store clerk. I wanted to know if Steve was able to converse adequately, for some of the street people have used enough drugs that conversations make little or no sense. As I listened, more compassion fell on me as I realized what a gentle man this was. And as he went out of the store I went out also. Steve went out to the right. I walked a bit while asking God what His heart was for this man.

What a surprise I got for an answer, "HE IS ONE OF MINE", I said, "What?". "HE IS ONE OF MINE. HE HAS SINNED AND HAS CRIED OUT FOR FORGIVENESS BUT DOES NOT KNOW THAT HE IS FORGIVEN. WILL YOU GO AND TELL HIM HE IS FORGIVEN?" With surprise and delight mixed together I said, "Of course, Lord. Which way do You want me to go?" God indicated that I was to go to the left even though Steve had gone to the right so I started off to my left.

Within a block and a half I came across Steve and stopped him. I asked him about the shoes. He said that now that he had the money they didn't have the shoes he wanted. I asked him about his hobbies and he said he writes music but is having a difficult time getting anywhere with it. Then, just as I was about to tell him he was forgiven I heard God tell me clearly that Steve's knees were going to buckle. I somehow knew not to say, "Steve, your knees are going to buckle", but knew I was to watch his knees.

"Steve, Jesus wants me to tell you that you are forgiven." His knees buckled and he caught himself. I could not see behind the very dark glasses to see any response from him, but his knees had definitely buckled. "Jesus says that you have been crying out to Him, He as heard you, and that He has indeed forgiven you." His knees buckled again as he caught himself. As he caught himself and straightened up he held out his hand and shook mine without saying a word. I said, "God bless you Steve", and went on.

About a block and a half away my knees buckled and I felt the weight of the Spirit of God land on my shoulders. I quickly found a place to sit for a few minutes and then walked on again until I reached a parking lot. While I walked through the lot I asked God again about Steve. He seemed so hard. I did not want to give a wrong word to anyone and so I asked God if Steve was really forgiven. As I asked the question, there on the ground in front of me was a cross about ten inches high. As I bent down and picked up this wooden cross I heard God say, "MY CROSS IS SUFFICIENT".

My eyes then caught a partially open trunk of a car nearby where there was a smashed oriental partition. The cross I held in my hand was obviously from that broken partition. Again the Lord spoke, "I HAVE JUST MADE A CROSS SHAPED HOLE IN HIS FALSE PARTITION OF GUILT". I became overwhelmed with God's mercy and forgiveness.

It is the cross of Jesus and its sufficiency that brings power to forgiveness, "for the cross of Jesus is foolishness to those who are perishing but it is the power of God to those who are being saved" (I Cor. 1:18).

For when you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their Sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.

(Matt. 6:14 )

### Pride and Humility

Weeks later I talked with Penny on the phone. She had again called me to see if I agreed with what went on with Margaret and I said that I didn't. She became very angry and said that I was the only one who disagreed with it. That night I had a nightmare in which I was in a high rise building. I went into a meeting room to get my coat and things. It was dark in the room but the light from windows in the corridor shown in so I left the light off while I quickly got my things. As I reached for my things with two big double doors behind me, the room began to darken. I turned to see a satanic priest and priestess standing silhouetted in the doorway. I began to suffocate. As I woke up from the dream I was still suffocating, though I was on my back with nothing covering my mouth. I began to speak in tongues and the suffocating stopped.

A couple of months later I told Penny and staff that I was going to concentrate on praying the streets of our city and leave Branches. Penny insisted that I be anointed to do it under the covering of Branches. While they anointed me and prayed over me I felt something like large bird talons sticking into and all around my head. After I left there I became panicked and called Pastor Thomas to get together with him over this.

When I got together with Pastors Thomas and Peter and explained what had gone on, Pastor Thomas said that he already knew that Penny was dealing in charismatic witchcraft. Charismatic witchcraft is control, domination, or manipulation done in the Name of Jesus, not in the power of the Holy Spirit. I had never heard the term before. They said that others were aware of the witchcraft. I asked Pastor Thomas to pray over me to lease me from the covering of Branches. He and Pastor Peter prayed over me to release me and to place me under the covering of the Vineyard. Pastor Thomas said that I needed to renounce the covering of Branches personally with Penny.

When I got home I called Penny and told her that I could not be a part of Branches and that I needed to break the covering they had prayed over me. She insisted that I tell her why. As I tried to tactfully explain she became extremely angry. I did not mention witchcraft, but said that something was very wrong about Branches. I told her that I was very uncomfortable about Jan and about some other things that I later repeated in a letter, concerning ministry to Margaret. She asked me to come meet with staff and discuss the things I disagreed with but I knew it was to be another "ministry" time to release me from a perverse spirit so I declined the offer. Instead I wrote her a letter detailing what I saw. She still wanted me to change my opinion concerning the staff meeting in which Margaret had been ministered to. She was still angry.

That night I had another nightmare in which a male witch came up to me on a street, a longhaired hippy, and told me that since they (the demons) couldn't get to me they would get Chuck (implying that they would take his life perhaps).

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. And we will be ready to punish every act of disobedience, once your obedience is complete.

(II Corinthians 10:4-6)

### Humble Thyself

Meanwhile, Penny had a meeting with Pastor Thomas because she was very angry with me. Pastor Thomas met with me later and implied that I should make peace so that a "church war" would not result. I prayed about it and felt that I needed to go back to Penny and apologize for having said the things that I wrote, to apologize for my immaturity in saying them, not deny the facts. So I made an appointment with her.

In our meeting between just her and I, I apologized for my immaturity and that I should not have spoken the things that I had said. She asked me if I retracted any of the items. I told her that I couldn't because they were true. She began mocking me. I told her that if she could show me a different view of what I had pointed out that perhaps I should look at the issues differently. So, I went down the list of each of the items on the letter and asked her to give me another explanation. She had no comment on them except for the point on the Holy Spirit protecting me while they prayed over me. To that she said that it was just not time to release me from the perversion. And about the nightmares, she said the enemy was just trying to get me to come against Branches. She continually mocked me and looked smugly at me the whole time. She angrily told me that I was demonized. We prayed together (I prayed blessings on her and on Branches) and I left.

I told Pastor Thomas about this meeting with Penny and he asked if I retracted my arguments. I said I couldn't. He said, "Good". He asked to see a copy of the letter to Penny if I had one. I did. I gave him a copy a few days later and asked for his response. I wanted him to get back to me and let me know if he thought that I was wrong in writing the letter or on the issues. He never did get back to me.

This was an extremely humbling experience for me to go back to Penny, apologize, and let her mock me. I did not want to go but God was requiring that I humble myself. I had no idea she would meet with me alone or with all of staff. I had avoided confrontation most of my life, that is one reason I had been a silent person, but here I was being thrust back into the place I had run from for years.

The proud and arrogant man "Mocker" is his name; he behaves with overweening pride.

(Proverbs 21 :24)

### Prophetic Word

A day or two after I gave the letter to Pastor Thomas, we had a home group leaders meeting in which Pastor James gave a word over me. Pastor James, at this time had never talked with me and knew little if anything about me. He did not know about the letter either.

On the way to that meeting I had prayed that God would show me if my perception, my discernment about these things was on track or perverse. The following is the word he gave to me.

James Ryle, Leadership Meeting, May 29,1992 - approximately two weeks after the meeting with Penny.

"Sue, I see ... an anointing, a priestly garment that the Lord is putting on you. The word that that garment is called is GRACE. The Lord is putting a priestly garment on you of Grace.

He is going to give you an eye that sees single vision, that is not cross-eyed, but that sees straight on to what is.

The Lord is going to by this grace-package on you, open your eyes to speak in such a way that it absolutely bulls eyes pride. The Lord is going to give you words and revelation that diffuses ... how do I say it ... takes pride out of the picture.

If some proud dude comes strolling in, it is just going to take one shot ... BANG ... and its all over.

YOU ARE A SHARPSHOOTER IN THE SPIRIT. It is like an Annie Oakley in the Spirit. And the word to you is, "ANNIE GET YOUR GUN!".

The Lord is going to give you the grace to not miss the target. You are going to start moving in a new measure of power, but there is going to be balance in your life as you move in power. You are going to be skilled in your usefulness to the Spirit. You are going to develop a "skill".

The Bible says that "strong meat belongs to those who by reason of use have trained their senses to distinguish between good and evil".

The Lord says he is going to increase your perception and your ability to see.

You are going to have a sharp eye and a clear vision.

YOU ARE GOING TO DEFINITELY TOPPLE THE PRIDE OF MEN ... for his own good."

This word, as I listened to it on the tape at home, brought incredible peace as I sat and sobbed over the answer to my prayer on the way to the meeting. I knew then that I didn't need to concern myself about my perception of Branches.

Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost you all you have, get understanding. Esteem her and she will exalt you; embrace her, and she will honor you. She will set a garland of grace on your head and present you with a crown of splendor.

(Proverbs 4:7-8)

Shortly after this, I had a dream. In the dream I met with all three of Penny's sons (the most godly young men I have ever met) and discussed Branches for a short moment. Next, I saw two of them in a hot tub. Then I was in a house as they entered the doorway. I glanced over to see them standing there with nothing on. The dream ended and I was immediately aware that two of Penny's sons had gotten in hot water or were about to and that their sins were going to be exposed openly. I was sad for these young men, mostly because I was aware that it was because of their mother's pride that they were likely to fall.

But He gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says, "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." Submit yourselves therefore to God.

(James 4:6-7)

# WHO IS WORTHY?

Dearest Prodigal,

There are some things about God that cannot be put into human words. It is easy to understand why so much is not told to us about heaven, why we do not know what God looks like, why Jesus had to come to us to express the heart of the Father toward us. When I enter into the Presence of God I am not in a place that exists on this earth. I enter the splendor of His holiness.

When I am in His Presence, surrounded and permeated by Him, the Word of God becomes so rich that at times I have had to set it down because my innermost being cries out, "'Who is worthy to open the seals of this book?" Every verse has become so potent, so vital, that my humanity cannot absorb it. Words will at times have such strong impressions that come with them that I literally feel the meaning of FORGIVENESS, the CROSS, MERCY, ABUNDANT LIFE, GLORY, HOLINESS. The words carry so much life in them that they seem more like living beings (ie a spirit of forgiveness, a spirit of mercy, etc.).

The only way I can describe this experience is to relate it to having watched a movie where the character, who through tremendous pain and overwhelming odds, has in the end found forgiveness or victory or love. At those moments at the end of such triumphs, we too can feel deeply the release of that person, the fulfillment of their dreams, the excitement of winning. We, through the movie, walked in their shoes and felt the heart aches of their losses and victories. It was not emotionalism that we experienced but compassion, mercy, love, forgiveness, triumph. We felt deeply what they felt. We cried with them, laughed with them, hoped with them, pressed through with them, won with them.

And so it is with God. I begin to feel what He feels, cry with Him, laugh with Him, hope with Him, know His forgiveness and His brokenness, and fall on my knees at the magnificence of His Presence. I begin to feel what He is feeling as I read the Word of God. I am there. The Word becomes like a really swell novel, so much so that I weep when I read the words, "I HAD HOPED YOU WOULD HAVE CALLED ME FATHER".

My heart is changed by these revelations. One of the most profound changes has been that I had always imagined that the Father would in the end say "Good riddance!" to those who were being thrust into eternal fire. But now I am not so sure of that. I now believe that we will see God rend His garments and hear Him cry out a violent roar of pain that shakes all of heaven, a sound that we will never forget, as the lost disappear into their final place.

I used to ask God why He put up with the sin on this earth and those who harm others, until He answered me by saying, "YOU ARE LOOKING AT MY MERCY".

The following is a poem the Holy Spirit put on my heart while showing me His love for people.

LITTLE ONE

Lost among so many feet

My daddy must be here

I'd never seen so many men

They came from far and near

I stepped between some sandals

Fell head long in the dust

My hands, my face, my mouth, my ears

All caked a muddy crust

As I stood again while trying not to pout

"Daddy! Daddy!", my tiny voice cried out.

They listened so intently to the man of many words

My little voice among their feet never would be heard

Just then I saw a mother hen huddled in the dirt

Her tiny little brood safe beneath her skirt

And I longed to be in daddy's arms as safe as I could be

But felt myself nudged again by, yes, another knee

Again I squirmed and pressed my way on through the massive crowd

And when I found myself up front, I felt so very proud

Until I saw this gentle man, sitting on a rock

Everyone here had come just to hear him talk

As I gazed upon his peaceful face, he turned and looked at me

And something deep inside my heart, drew me to his knee

"I'll take him, Lord", big hands came round my chest

But the gentle man quickly raised his hand in jest

"Suffer not", I heard him say, "these little ones come to Me.

For just as humble, just as sweet, you all must come to be,

To enter in the kingdom of My Father up above.

Just like little children, you must also know His love."

He held me in His arms as He stood up to His feet.

My ear pressed against His heart, I clearly heard it beat.

I touched His face, stroked His beard, and looked into His eyes.

And to this day I know He never lies.

Then I heard Him say, as a tear appeared so quick,

"How oft would I have gathered you as a hen protects her chick"

Then only in a whisper, too soft for them to hear,

I alone heard Him say, "But you would not let Me near."

It was so very long ago I gazed into His eyes

His Holy Presence filled my heart though I was only five.

And now I tell you of His love for little ones like me

So as you give your life to Him, you may sit upon His knee.

# THE VEIL OF VULNERABILITY

This section is a most difficult section for me to write. What I share in regard to this relationship may be too frank for some and for others too precious to share. I share it because God wants me to. I share it because it is significant that I had never before had a really close friend because of my fears, apart from Chucky. I share it because exposing and opposing the enemy defeats him. I share it because I believe that it would be healing to many if I share it openly. And, I will do what God calls me to do regardless the cost.

"Lord Jesus, bring the anointing of Your Holy Spirit for truth and healing. Let life shine through the darkness. Crush the enemy under Your foot!"

### Transparent and Vulnerable

During the summer of 1992, I had asked God for a relationship with a woman, a relationship like that of David and Jonathan, that we would be of one spirit. This was a big decision, having avoided women so heavily as a result of being terrified of my mother, and it was an indication that God was beginning to heal me in this area of relationships. I wasn't sure what this relationship would look like except that I had some hopes that I would be able to confide in this person, be released from my fears, find femininity somewhere in my character to begin to bloom, have someone to share spiritual insights with, someone to pray with over intimate matters, and a woman who also was looking to see some changes in her life that God might minister to through me. I above all, wanted to feel free from the condemnation and criticism that had surrounded me as a child and had affected my perspective of womanhood. Most of all, I wanted to enjoy without fear another woman, a godly woman, on an equal level. I wanted dearly to bless a woman deeply and to be blessed by a woman deeply in a holy fashion.

In November 1992, God spoke to me that I was to be a friend to a woman I barely knew. I was not ready to have any close relationships. I didn't have any deep desire to know this woman as a friend. I argued with God over the issue for only a moment before I remembered my covenant with Him to never say "No". Then He made it clear that I was to be transparent and vulnerable. My heart raced as I realized how much I avoided being transparent and vulnerable, but I was set in His purposes and decided not to budge. I would be obedient regardless the cost. I knew that I was likely to get hurt and refused to allow myself to think about it. I tried instead to remember my prayer for a David and Jonathan relationship, a prayer I was now beginning to wish I had not prayed, especially now that God had picked the person that He wanted me to spend time with.

I prayed that if it was truly God's desire for me to spend time with Miriam, the pastor's wife, a woman that I would have avoided because she was in authority, then He would have to arrange it. One of my fears was that of authority figures. My mother's control had taught me to avoid people who were in control. God always thrusts me into those places of fear in order to break the enemy's stronghold over me. And the devil was to fight this.

In a matter of weeks I went to the pastor over the home group leaders since Chuck and I were home group leaders to ask him if he knew of anyone who could mentor me in the things of the Holy Spirit. As soon as I asked that question Pastor came into Steve's office where I was sitting and Steve asked me to repeat my request. Pastor did not hesitate. He invited me to get together with his wife, Miriam!

I was terrified! Miriam taught on the Holy Spirit however so I decided maybe this would work out.

But he knows the way that I take; when He has tested me, I will come forth as gold. My feet have closely followed His steps; I have kept to His way without turning aside. I have not departed from the commands of his lips; I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.

(Job 23:10-12 )

Intimate friendship with God brings us to a place of internalizing the heart of God toward the things He calls us to do. As we stand close to Him we begin to see as He does and respond as He would to the things around us. We begin to treat the call upon our lives and the moment by moment assignments as divine opportunities to move in His power, His purpose, and His holiness. We begin to see a flow of the Spirit through us that brings life to everything and everyone.

### Isaiah 54

There were a number of times that I had gone to the church to pray with the women and only Miriam, one of our pastor's wives, showed up. We would pray and then talk for a while. We had similar hearts for God, for the Presence of the Holy Spirit, and for prayer. We began to share our experiences, our hopes, our dreams, and found a common interest in teaching other women to know the Presence of God. So we planned on teaching a class on intimacy with God.

As we prepared for the class, and as it began in the winter of 1993, we enjoyed spending more and more time together. We both loved worship, though neither of us is extremely musical, but would put on worship tapes before we talked about the teaching. At times the Presence of God would come so strongly that we could barely stand and we would find ourselves moved to tears, though we were not being particularly emotional.

We spent a lot of time together for several weeks. In those weeks the little child inside me began to heal. I began to see that femininity was an incredibly beautiful attribute, one that I already had but just needed to allow God to let flow through me. I also saw how sensitive and tenderhearted Miriam was, naive and innocent, and started to realize how faulty my view of women had been up to this time.

One day while Miriam had taken my hand I very suddenly forgot about her altogether and remembered looking at my mother's hands one day as a child, wanting desperately to old my mother's hands in mine but knowing that it would not be appropriate. I don't recall one tender touch or word of admiration spoken from her toward me as a child. This moment of holding Miriam's hand did something so deep in me that I'm not sure if many will understand it, but for the first time in my life I knew what it was like to have a tender, motherly touch. And, in fact, it was my first awareness of what it was like to have a mother, a warmth flowing between myself and my mother. And yet I never thought of Miriam as my mother.

As I came back to reality I realized that I had completely forgotten about Miriam. She had dozed off, not having the slightest awareness that I had been healed of what was to be a tremendous void in my life. That feeling of having a mother even now touches me so deeply that I begin to get tears in my eyes thinking about it. It is a treasure from God that will always be mine and I thank Him for that healing.

If my people, who are called by my Name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land.

(II Chron. 7:14 )

### The Women's Retreat

While sharing together one day, I mentioned to Miriam that I had been getting teachings from God ever since I came into the Spirit. At first those teachings would come to me day and night almost non-stop. God would wake me several times during the night to continue the teachings and I would write them down in my journal. I would see myself teaching large crowds, though I still was a recluse and had no desire to stand in front of anyone. Miriam invited me to speak to the women at the retreat that was coming up and I accepted.

One day, while talking to Miriam, she used the term "own the call" God has placed on your life. The Holy Spirit began to speak to me right then in regard to "owning" a call to teach at the women's retreat. During the week before the retreat my heart was drawn by the Holy Spirit to "own" the teaching, that is, to see it as a calling or ministry, a divine appointment that God had put me in charge of to do as He directed, and to move freely in the empowering that the Lord would give me in the calling.

I saw "owning" the call like owning a house that I had inherited. I could choose to dwell in the house that was given to me and put my heart into making it all that it could be or I could choose to just say that that house down the street was mine and never take possession of it in my heart. I could move in to it or ignore it.

I did indeed internalize the call to teach, knowing that I was responsible before Him to do it with all my being and in the power of the Spirit. I sensed the importance of hovering over it in prayer, valuing it in the same light as He saw it, and attaching to it the same significance of holiness that He intended to place upon it.

Much to my surprise, I learned several things during and after the teaching at the retreat that resulted from having "owned" the call. While teaching, I was very aware of a release of empowering that was the result of my not struggling with what He had called me to do. I was not hindering the flow of the Spirit because I was not making excuses for my lack of ability or worthiness to do the job. I stopped making excuses when I began to "own" the call. After teaching, I came to the understanding that "owning" the call incited the Lord to protect what He called me to do. The Lord protected what I was committed to. When others would have attempted to change the direction of what I felt God was doing I new that I didn't even have to say anything to get things back in order because He had already given me a "vision" that He was going to line things up Himself, and He did.

I don't believe that the commitment of the Lord would have been as solid had I not "owned" the call. In fact, as I think back now to other calls to minister, to enter into relationships, to accept jobs, to whatever the Lord truly had given to me had His protection, blessing, and participation in proportion to my willingness to "own" that call. His participation in the activity was in proportion to my commitment to enter into it with Him in the Spirit without hesitation.

I have now come to the conclusion that there are many ministries that falter because those who have been given the call have not "owned" the call. It is much like the Promised Land in that when the Jews claimed ownership in their hearts to go after what God clearly gave to them the enemy fell or ran in fear. When they "owned" the battle victory when the Lord said that it was theirs, they always won. And when they "owned" their relationship to God and the rights that came with it they were never seriously challenged by the enemy. Everything defaulted in their favor and God's people became winners.

As we "own" our relationship with God and the right to come into the throne room boldly, we begin to see the hand of God bless and defend everything, our lives, those things that are ours, and what is His. We may also find that there are less challenges to the authority God has given us if we fully accept the call He gives us. If we do not "own" our relationship with God, we become "like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double minded man, unstable in all he does" (James 1:7-8).

So, I became aware of a need to "own" my relationship with God, to "own" the relationship, not God. I was not to possess the relationship or God. I was simply to begin treating the relationship as though it were a call of God upon my life to be intimate with Him. I did indeed internalize the call to this association with God, knowing that I was responsible before Him to participate in it with all my being and in the power of the Spirit. I sensed the importance of hovering over it in prayer, valuing it in the same light as He saw it, and attaching to it the same significance of holiness that He intended to place upon it.

As I responded with this proportion of participation in my relationship with Him I saw a greater protection over the alliance, less distraction in my quiet times with Him, a greater response on His part to participate with me, a greater flow of the Spirit in it, and a flow of new revelation through the voice of God and the Word of God. His response seemed to be in proportion to the commitment of my heart.

For the eyes of the Lord range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.

(II Chronicles 16:9 )

The weeks before the retreat, I was very nervous about teaching. I don't like feeling that way at all. I fasted all week because I wanted the teaching to be only what God wanted to say and not my own words. I had a tremendous respect for the Anointing and wanted to have this very first opportunity to teach to be for Him and to be done in the Spirit. This would be my "first fruits" to Him, but I was frightened!

The day before the retreat I picked Chuck up at work. As he got into the car he started to weep. He said that the Anointing was so great on me that his eyes were filling with tears. The day of the retreat a friend and I got to the conference grounds early and I laid down on a couch. I had not slept because I was too nervous. While laying on the couch the fragrance of roses surrounded me and gave me the assurance that I was resting in Him. I was assigned a room with some wonderful gals that I liked a lot but I was too nervous about teaching to spend much time with them. I kept sneaking away to be with the Lord to get reassurance that I was still hand in hand with Him.

Friday night several other women taught and performed mimes. They were so good. I was more nervous. I tried my best not to compare myself with others. That night again I barely slept.

Saturday went so slowly I thought I wasn't going to make it through the day. Again I hid from everyone trying to keep my focus on the Lord, sometimes going over my notes. At one point I looked at the word "Forgiven" on my notes and burst into tears. Everything had become too intense for me.

Saturday night when I stood up to speak I was incredibly nervous, but as soon as I opened my mouth the Holy Spirit landed on me. I was surprised at things I was saying because they were funny and I'm not particularly known for being funny. I wished that I could hear the message myself later.

As soon as I started teaching you could hear a pin drop. There were times when I stopped to ask people if they were still there. No one took notes and I knew that even those who normally could not listen without taking notes were so riveted to every word that they had given up trying to take notes. I was filled with incredible joy and peace. Words came so clearly and easily that I could hardly believe my own ears, "God told me that He spells REBELLION, 'N-O', and REPENTANCE is spelled, 'Y-E-S'." I knew that God had given me a gift of teaching but this went far beyond anything I had imagined!

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and mighty things that you do not know

(Jer. 33:3)

### God's Heart

From the beginning back in November of 1992, I asked God for His heart for Miriam, day and night. I knew my weakness and my fears. It was essential to me to not walk in the flesh because I had just come out of a prison that I lived in for fifteen years because I had become deceived into a perverse relationship, though it was for only a moment. Those fifteen years still weighed heavily in my memory and on my heart. The enemy would surely fight this attempt to "get back on the horse that threw me". I knew very clearly that the devil knew where I had failed in the past and that is where he would try to topple me again until I won the victory over it. Running was not the victory and the devil was intent upon keeping me on the run from relationships with women until I was to accept God's request to break the enemy's hold over me.

As God gave me His heart for Miriam I was aware of needing to stay in the Spirit, to always pray for His holiness to cover us and surround us whenever we were together, and to see her through His eyes rather than mine. What I saw through His revelation was the most childlike, naive, sweet, and precious person I had ever met. God's heart was so touched by her perseverance in prayer through hard times. She was to come into a place of teaching that indeed proved to happen that summer, something I had shared with her before she knew it was to be.

I had never known the tenderness of womanhood before, the sensitivity of heart, and the potential of women to bring nurture into the body of Christ. I was overwhelmed by the beauty of being a woman. I saw it as an incredible treasure from the Lord.

In my times of asking for His heart He told me to confess my past sin and failures to Miriam. We had become close and I feared that it would bring rejection of such a sweet and healing relationship, but I have learned that I don't need to know God's purposes, but just to obey. So I began to speak out my past sin and hurts that I had only dared to tell one soul without a warm response.

Journal (May 4, 1993): "Confessed my sins to Miriam today ... How painful! She held me and prayed for me. But I feel very depressed and afraid, afraid of friendship loss or something, though she forgave me and seemed okay. She said she loved me when we parted. O God, what have I done? I have been obedient and it may have cost me a friend. No more losses of friends, please O Lord, please. I can take no more. But I will walk in Your ways no matter the cost!"

Later, there was incredible healing as she allowed me to express these things, receive words of forgiveness, and to know that my perception of women being condemning was erroneous. Her acceptance and her willingness to allow me to confess my faults one to another so that I might thereby be healed was indeed bringing healing and releasing me from fears that had held me back for years and even a life time.

Journal (May 5, 1993): "Lord, You are taking me into Your inner chambers where I will love not only You but Your Bride, without regard for my own safety, without holding back a piece for myself. I am to be broken like the alabaster vile before You and before others, weeping from the well of Your heart within me. With an awesome awareness of its beauty and a heart filled with a desire for Your holiness I move into this place of openly dying before You and before those You love, each time dying in Your arms."

NOTE: I had no idea at the time that that was a prophetic word of what was to come.

All of what went on, the love and forgiveness was what I knew to be the heart of God for His Church all over the world. Love does cover a multitude of sins and cast out fear. I was beginning to see more clearly how unity in the body of Christ was so powerful to destroy vain imaginations and every thing that comes against the purposes of God. I saw that the healing of the Body of Believers and the Presence of the Power of the Holy Spirit hinged on fellowship and relationship that poured out the love of God onto the wounded and those held captive by the enemy. The enemy was being defeated by relationship that was based upon unconditional love! What's more, God was placing on us as we ministered together an awesome anointing to release others from the grasp of the enemy!

Journal (May 8, 1993): HOLINESS IS THE ABSENCE OF SELF. - God.

Journal (May 9, 1993): Didn't want to go to church on Mom's Day because I have no children. I was very weepy. As I sat there with the moms standing Scott Bickel turned around, took my hand, and said, "You should stand too because you have lots of children." (I almost broke out crying). Sunday evening Jack and Lori Blassingame gave me a Mom's Day card that was lovely, in the shape of a cross. "God - What are You doing to me?"

NOTE: I chose in my twenties, before meeting Chucky, that I would not have children. I was incurably mean and angry and knew that I would treat them just as my mother treated her children. It would have broken my heart with a lethal blow if I hurt them in any way. So, I decided to love the children I would never have by letting God find them a better home. They will never know the harm I could have caused.

Later, after being filled with the Spirit, I confessed this to God. He assured me that it was a wise choice. I still sometimes pray for them, bless them, speak joy and life into them, wherever they are.

Journal (May 10, 1993): Holy Spirit, draw me into Your chambers, into that place of intimacy with You. THE WINDS OF CHANGE ARE UPON YOU. SEEK FIRST THE KINGDOM OF GOD AND HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS - God. "More of You, Holy Spirit, More of You!"

Most often I do not pray. I just sit in His Presence, wrapped in knowing He is everything. We silently touch each other's hearts in such a tender fashion that words would sound harsh and rude.

" Journal (May 11, 1993): Holy Spirit, I give You this relationship and the humbling it will bring. I lay down my heart to be broken, softened, crushed if necessary - for even if the relationship fails I will be counted faithful before You.

O, this furnace burning bright

Wood, hay, stubble cry out 'NOT!'

Bring me to the Holy Light

Remove the things that rust and rot

To love no matter what the cost

Only self and sin and death are lost

The Spirit whose name is Holy

Stands beside me in this quest

To be what He desires only

To love and live and give my best

With eyes and heart that see His ways

Though times and seasons fill with pain

I walk only where His footstep stays

In my heart no other reigns

Hand in hand, face to face, back to back.

Heart to heart.

DO IT FOR ME. GO THROUGH THIS FIRE OF FRIENDSHIP FOR ME. FOCUS ON GETTING TO THE OTHER SIDE AND WINNING THE PRIZE - God.

Precious Holy Spirit, I will go there no matter the cost because it is Your desire. I know that You have something powerful to come out of this for the Kingdom's sake. I will go and see what You will bring of it. I commit to relationship with Miriam. Make me vulnerable and transparent, my Friend.

Journal (May 12, 1993): Lord, I'm throwing away my running shoes today. I give Miriam and Chuck permission to hurt me \- NO MORE RUNNING! As I chose to stop running from the possibility of getting hurt and chose to "own" this relationship (not to "own" Miriam, but to commit myself to the friendship) the weight of the Glory of the Lord pressed me down into my chair so that I could barely move. My commitment to stop running from my fear of getting hurt pleased Him.

Journal (May 14, 1993): Lord, test me again. I AM. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH MIRIAM IS YOUR RETURN TO JUDEA.

NOTE: Judea is that place in our lives where we failed once before and fear returning.

Journal (May 17, 1993): Holy Spirit, You woke me in the night to give me understanding of a battle that rages about me. I have learned in the past not to fight them. "My shield is my God Most High, who saves the upright in heart". Holy Spirit, my Dearest Friend, I lay down my life again, knowing that I will see the favor of my God in the land of the living. Last night You also showed me again the Christ of surrender and submission. The greatest channel of the power of my God comes through submission, the integrity of humility,

For this is what the High and Lofty One says - He who lives forever, whose name is Holy: I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite

(Isaiah 57:5).

THE MAN WHO MAKES ME HIS REFUGE WILL INHERIT THE LAND AND POSESS MY HOLY MOUNTAIN. Holy Spirit, I love Your Holy Mountain! Do what You must do to get me there. If I must go through the furnace, let it be.

Father, what would you like to have from me? "YOUR TESTIMONY". Testimony? The one I am telling, the one I haven't told, one You are making, one You will make? I AM GOING TO USE YOUR TESTIMONY TO CHANGE THE WORLD. Lord, I do not have a testimony valuable enough.

Journal (May 18, 1993): THE POWER OF GOD IS RELEASED THROUGH HUMILITY. SEEK HUMILITY AND HUMBLING TESTS! TESTS ARE OPPORTUNITIES TO FIND HUMILITY. God so loves a humble heart that He looks for them like treasures. He gathers them together and spares them from harm. He is so in love with a humble heart. HUMILITY IS NOT A WATCHING OF WHAT IS SEEN BY PEOPLE, BUT A WATCHING OF WHAT IS SEEN BY ME.

### Mississippi

Miriam had earlier invited me to go with her to Mississippi to pray for her as she taught. I had accepted, so May 19, we flew out of Denver. On the airplane I kept hearing God say, ENUFF -- ENUFF OF BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS! I knew at the time that He was speaking of each of us individually, that neither of us was to walk again in broken relationships. I shared this with Miriam, along with an awareness that the enemy was out to destroy this relationship. I knew that the enemy destroyed relationships through two things, perversion and abortion. I told her that the enemy was not liking this relationship, that we were coming against something the enemy had done against the church of destroying relationships in order that the love of many would grow cold in the last days. Our friendship was threatening the devil.

In Mississippi, Miriam taught on Friday night. I stood at the back of the room praying for her. I was embarrassed at how she would say, "Get a clue!" or how she sounded like she was coming down on the women. Afterward, we sat out on the lawn until about one-thirty in the morning as God was digging deep into her heart for a commitment that brought her to a dying to who she really was. I had no words for her. I was aware that she and God were wrestling like Jacob and could only pray that she would win. The next morning her battle went on while we walked on a service road next to the retreat center. Again there was nothing I could say to help. It was between her and God.

God gave me Psalm 86:1-7 and 11-13 to give to her: "Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I m poor and needy. Guard my life for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you. Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, for to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. You are forgiving and good, O Lord, bounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. In the day of my trouble I will call to you, for you will answer me." Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, O Lord, my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For real is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths of the grave."

Very suddenly Miriam found her place of victory as she was standing on the road praying next to me. When she stopped praying we looked up and there was a cross directly in front of us that neither of us had seen before! How appropriate that there was a cross in that place where she died to herself and was resurrected by the Spirit!

Miriam taught that morning with greater Anointing than before and in the afternoon she invited me to pray over people together with her. We prayed for three and a half ours over eighty women, one at a time. This was a new experience for me, though Chuck I had prayed over people in our home group for several years. It was powerful. I was aware of a power of God that seemed to come with the combination of the Anointing on Miriam and myself together. I felt later that God was going to use us together again because of this combination that brought something unique in the Spirit.

A pastor's wife came up to Miriam in the prayer line and said, "Your countenance is much brighter today."

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.

(Philip. 2: 1- 2)

### Closeness That Heals

Journal (May 25, 1993): I bless this friendship, Lord, with the hovering of the Holy Spirit. Anoint it for Your use, O God. Protect it with a jealous heart, my Lord. Place Your shield about it and cover this relationship with holiness. Cover us with Your sunshine, with the smile of Your grace, with rugged hands that hold off storms.

More time spent together brought greater freedom from my fears of authority figures and women. It was incredibly sweet. Something very big was being released from me, something that had attacked me all my life.

"The Lord Your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing"

(Zephaniah 3:17)

Miriam was now going to New Zealand to teach a seminar while her husband taught as the main speaker for a big conference there. She was moving out in ministry beyond the church for the first time.

God had sometime back given me the entire chapter of Isaiah 54 in regard to relationship with Miriam. Some of the chapter was very encouraging, "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated." Other portions I tried to set aside because they made no sense at all to me, "For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back." Then again, "If anyone does attack you, it will not be My doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you." I was puzzled by these verses but took them lightly, almost ignoring them.

Journal (May 28, 1993): Father, give Miriam courage to always correct and confront me without fear of losing friendship or taking steps backward in the freedom of intimacy. Never allow her to ignore areas within me that must be addressed. Let her be to me as iron sharpening iron. Let our words destroy all deception of the enemy. And give her the courage and insight to sit with me as I die before You even as she died in Mississippi.

What an awesome, godly, woman of integrity You have made, Lord! You tested her in Mississippi with an excruciating death and yet she never spoke against You with words or utterances of her heart. You ran her through the most awesome of fires and found no guile - and You are indeed pleased!

NOTE: In Mississippi, Miriam spoke to me early in the morning while she lay on her bed. I do not know what she said because I was overwhelmed by what I saw as I stood at the end of her bed. A face was superimposed over hers. It was that face we often see as being a friendly alien, the one with a round head, no ears, and almond shaped eyes.

Journal (May 29, 1993): I am afraid for Miriam. What is Your heart, my Precious Friend? SHE IS GIVING YOU WHAT SHE DEEPLY NEEDS BUT SHE HAS NO AWARENESS OF THAT NEED. IT IS BURIED TOO DEEP. YOU WILL CALL IT FORTH AND SHE WILL RUN. Will she run far? Will she come back? I HAVE ORDAINED THIS RELATIONSHIP AND APPOINTED IT FOR THIS TIME -- IT IS TIME!

Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply from the heart.

(I Peter 1:22)

# ENTERING THE HOLY OF HOLIES

Just after coming into the Spirit in 1990, while reading about the sons of Eli and their offenses to the Lord, I became moved by the expression that they had treated what was "holy as though it were common". As I meditated upon this, I began to realize that I considered very little to be holy. I came to a realization that I was not coming to God and to the throne in a holy fashion, my prayers were not given in a holy manner before Him, and that the things or people who were anointed before God were not holy in my eyes. I was overwhelmed with the beauty that I had missed because I had not yet discovered holiness.

When I did finally come into the place where I could indeed declare that I was holy as He is holy, that place where I was able to come boldly unto the Throne of Grace, I was overwhelmed with this one thing -- that place in the Presence of God is like nothing else on earth!

We have all been in the Presence of God at some time and perhaps we can never leave His Presence completely, for His Presence is everywhere and He never leaves us nor forsakes us. We see His Presence clearly while under conviction for sin or as we come to the cross to give our lives to Jesus. We often feel His Presence during worship or prayer. We may have experienced Him in many ways, but to enter the Holy of Holies is not just to experience Him nor to just know Him.

To enter the Holy of Holies is to abide in God and He in us in such a fashion that we have come into total agreement with Him, We no longer think thoughts that are out of line with His purposes and His character, "Those who live in accordance with the Spirit of God have their minds set on what the Spirit desires" (Romans 8:5). Our mouths speak the things that are on His heart, for out of the abundance of our hearts our mouths speak, and our hearts have become one with His. We almost automatically walk in a manner worthy of Him because we have come to a place where we are so immersed in Him and infatuated with all that He is that we have no desire to be entangled in the affairs of this life. And in fact we find the things of this world too coarse in the light of holiness to spend time giving ourselves to them. Our eyes see clearly the damage of unholy words. Our hearts ache when surrounded by insensitivity to the Spirit of God. We feel the groaning of the Holy Spirit over the suffering and loneliness that results from this fallen world. At times we find ourselves moaning aloud in agreement with the Spirit over the injustices going on around us because we have altogether taken on the heart of God.

To take on the heart of God is to know how He sees us and the circumstances around us. It s to feel the same way He does about ourselves, others, and Himself. It is to become aware of the plans of God for this world, for His kingdom, for people individually, and for ourselves. It is to enter into a place in our spirits where we no longer think like mere men and we no longer have earthly expectations. Our hearts are so tied to His that "self" has vanished in the light of His Presence.

"Self", with her ambitions, woundedness, expectations, fears, and focus dissipates in the light of a Holy God! The closer we get to God the less self we have because self cannot come into His Presence. It is self that must be left behind in our quest to enter into the Holy of Holies and to climb the mountain of God. Self is not allowed in that place because self would take what is God's and what belongs to others from the heart of God and hoard them. Those who enter into His Presence without self accompanying them will take what is God's and use it to minister unto God. They will take what belongs to others from the heart of God and joyously deliver it to the appropriate recipient without tainting it in any way. Those who find that Holy Place of God have one thing uppermost in their minds, to bring joy and pleasure to their Heavenly Father.

The Holy Place before God is not a place earned. We do not grow into that place. We cannot of ourselves prepare self to enter into that place. It is like entering into repentance. We cannot earn repentance. We do not grow into the place of repentance. We cannot prepare self to enter into that place of repentance. Instead, we must give way to the Holy Spirit to bring us out of self into repentance. It is a letting go of self and a grabbing hold of the wind of the Spirit of God when He chooses to come near us.

We enter the Holy Place of God in the same fashion, by letting go of all that is contained in self and by exchanging it for the wind of the Spirit as He passes by us. Self is replaced by the person of the Holy Spirit. All that was once under control of self is under the control of the Holy Spirit. Our thought life results from His Presence in us. Our actions and expectations are His actions and expectations being played out through us. Our reasoning gives way to a movement of the Holy Spirit to the point that we don't even question why He wishes to do what He chooses to do, nor do we wonder if it is appropriate, or if it will bring about expected results. We simply no longer have a result oriented thought life and behavior. It has been replaced by the mind of Christ who did nothing of His own initiative but only what He saw the Father doing. We become imitators of our God.

It is an extraordinary place to find ourselves, that Holy Place of God where there seems to be no distance between Him and ourselves. We become surrounded by the shield of God. We live lives that are no longer touched by the things of this life. The "buttons" that the enemy once pushed to bring us into sin or anger or doubt and unbelief disappear. The Word is so alive that it is as though the Word within us has become flesh and dwells among us.

In this extraordinary place where there seems to be no distance between God and ourselves prayer is no longer words but our hearts touching His heart and His heart touching our hearts, just as two lovers may sit together communing in their hearts with each other in silence. And in my quiet times with Him I do often find that we are doing nothing but loving on each other. I am aware very deeply in my spirit that He already knows all that is on my heart and He has every intention of fulfilling my desires because I am presently delighting in Him - "Delight in Him and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psa. 37:4).

As I enter into activity of this life I do not leave this relationship behind. Instead, I walk in the Holy Places with Him wherever I go. We walk life together as we love on each other all the way. I ask what He is thinking and feeling as we walk along, just as an intimate lover would desire to know the things that touch the heart of the one he loves. He protects me in the same way that a lover would protect me. When harm attempts to come near me He steps in between harm and myself. When my heart is threatened to be crushed by careless or intentional activity of others He will ask me to step to one side while He personally deals with them in His own strength and wisdom. He literally fights my battles for me except where He chooses to allow me the joy of participating in the victory with Him. In these cases He will give me instruction, words to say or places to be, that confound the enemy and defeat the enemy's purposes.

To be in this place is to see ahead to what is about to happen both spiritually and in the natural. There are few surprises when we walk with our minds overcome by His. We nay have a dream to tell us what is next to come. We may have a vision that walks us through the circumstances as though we were seeing a movie of what is to happen next. Later, as we walk through the actual circumstances we know we have nothing to fear and that the outcome will be just as He had already shown us. We walk in total victory if we do it just as He showed us. Or we may simply hear His voice every step of the way so that we walk around the circumstances, as unaware as a little child of the dangers that lurk about us.

This Place of God is like heaven come to us and surrounding us. The companionship of he Holy Spirit is so sweet that we desire none other. It is so complete and deep that lack of self-esteem and unworthiness melts away in His Presence. We become confident of who we are and of what He is capable of doing in and through us. All fear flees in His Presence. There is undisturbed joy in His Presence. We are strong in this Presence and bold as a lion. We no longer fear His correction, but even find ourselves inviting His discipline, His holy fire, His testings of our love for Him.

The miraculous manifestation of God's Presence in our midst is often the result of walking day and night as the Word comes alive in us and through us. As we become parables of His Presence and imitators of His love He begins to do the miraculous in our Presence. Miracles begin to flow. Prayers are answered before we even ask. Doorways of opportunity open to us without effort. Every need is supplied even if it has to be supplied by supernatural means. We may see angels, smell the Presence of God, or participate in healings that few have seen the like.

The closer I get to God the less the devil wishes to go there with me. The light dispels the darkness and life chokes out death. I have not come to the place where merely my presence would bring release of demonic strongholds without even speaking, but in my spirit I know that that will someday be a natural outcome of the Presence of God on me and in me. What a day that will be!

Certainly there are many people who would dispute what I have said, those especially that believe that we must be constantly suffering in some way and harassed by the devil. I used to think so too until I kept asking myself why I didn't have abundant life or why the promises to those who fear God did not fall my way or why those who were counted righteous generally didn't suffer as I had suffered.

Somewhere in a spiritual time zone we have become subject to a religious spirit, a spirit that is opposed to the flow of the Holy Spirit, a place where we no longer believe that God can do what He did in days gone by, a space in time where the cross is no longer powerful enough to touch and release us from the fall of man even though we have been redeemed.

The Pharisees were those who spoke against and opposed openly any progress with the Spirit of God. They were and still are those who do not allow God to be God. They speak discouragement and quote sayings handed down to us through generations by others who did not believe that we have come into all the fullness of God. It is a voice that keeps us from entering into freedom in the Spirit because to be free is to have testimony of our Christ.

The religious spirit is one who is anti all that the cross has done for us, a voice that says that it is far more holy to suffer in this life than to lay hold of our sitting together with Christ in heavenly places and seeing Him provide all our need according to His riches in Christ Jesus. Indeed there is suffering for the sake of Christ, but the norm is to walk in the victory of Christ, even in suffering.

It is the religious spirit of the anti-Christ, that self within us, that keeps us from entering the Holy of Holies. It is only as we set aside all the arguments and the preconceived notions placed upon us by those who have never entered in to that place that we begin to see that it is indeed possible to get there ourselves. Many have entered into that place of rest. Listen to them. It is much more real than this life which is a shadow of things to come.

Who may ascend the hill of the Lord? Who may stand in his holy place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who does not lift up his soul to an idol or swear by what is false. He will receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God his Savior

(Psalm 24:3-5)

# REFINER'S FIRE

Dearest Prodigal,

I have come to know a fire of God that comes upon me and burns within me. It is a fire that turns to ashes the sins and dark memories of the past, a fire that releases me from woundedness and lack of self-esteem, and a fire that brings me into a place where the veil and walls of idols and worthless things no longer hold significance.

I have come to know wood, hay, and stubble to be symbolic of all the things I had spent years attempting to release from my being. Wood is symbolic of humility, that line of Adam and the generations that pursue us to become like those who have gone before us and to suffer the sins of the fathers to the third and fourth generations. Hay is symbolic of lack of self-esteem, that feeling of shame that we even exist, that awareness that we are less than others around us in value and significance. Stubble is symbolic of the worthless things in our lives, the idols, the woundedness, the memories of unforgiveness that we cling to, and the sin we refuse to confess to one another under the influence of the Holy Spirit.

As I obey the call of God to come closer into His Presence I often find the heat turned up on those things that will burn. I stand closer to a bright light that exposes what lay hidden in the shadows, far removed even from my own eyes.

As I come closer to the fire it is as though I had just opened a door to a closet and found behind the door a huge monster, far too big for me to deal with and far too scary for me to look at. My heart races with fear and my mind frantically attempts to excuse what I see. But God in His tenderness beckons me to enter the closet with Him.

As He invites me to step into that place where 1 feel that I might die, I have to make a choice as to whether or not I will go there with Him. He will not force me to go there. It must be my choice to hold His hand and enter that place deep within my heart with Him.

At this point, I may choose to shut that door and run, always afraid in the back of my mind and heart that that monster who is still there may somehow get out. Or else, I may choose to take His hand in mine and enter that dark place of my heart with Him.

To choose to turn away is to choose to no longer walk with Him. It is to stop listening to His voice that beckons me to come with Him. It is to ignore Him and ultimately find that He speaks no more to me until I follow through with His last desire. I unknowingly enter the desert and parched places where the rebellious dwell. Where I have not chosen to enter the Promised Land because of the giants and monsters that dwell there, I have chosen by default to take laps around Mount Sinai.

But, to choose to take His hand is to choose Him as my God. And to take His hand is to see the power of God come alive in that place of my heart. It is to watch the awesome display of God in me and around me. It is to enter the Promised Land where the fruit is large and plentiful.

Then, as I take His hand and walk toward the monster of sin or lack of self-esteem or of last wounding, I feel the heat of the Refiner's Fire. The desire to run away increases as I move forward with Him to confess that sin or to do the hard thing He requires of me or to see my woundedness as He sees it. But if 1 do not run, I will find in a short time after my obedience, that the fire that I thought would consume me has gobbled up only the monster in the closet. Then there is no smell of smoke on my clothes. I have seen the miraculous activity of the Almighty God to destroy the "buttons" that the enemy used against me in the past to bring anger or depression or fear.

1 have now become aware that He needed and desired all along to do this awesome thing through me, with my cooperation. It is as though we are unable to see the glory of God until we step into the fire with Him. He wanted me to not just see Him do this thing of healing but to experience it with Him in the same fashion a loving Father desires to experience the victories and growth of his own child. It is necessary to experience God together with Him, hand in hand!

Whenever we begin this journey of intimacy with God we will experience the Refiner's fire that calls us to do hard things in obedience to His voice. Each time we say "Yes" to this call we will be drawn ever closer to Him in intimate relationship. But as we run in fear or pain of what He asks, we will cease to experience His awesome Presence and will no longer hear His voice clearly.

Jonah, in his flight from Nineveh and the call of God to do a hard thing that appeared to be life threatening to him says this while coming to his senses inside the belly of the fish, "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs" (Jonah 2:8). He found out through his running from the fire that he was forfeiting the grace of God, the intimate relationship between him and the friend that so lovingly maintained his life. But he saw through his ultimate obedience that the awesome mercy and forgiveness of God miraculously united an evil city with their God, though he still had not learned to focus on the miraculous but on self

When I feel as though I might die, that is indeed what He has in mind! Our God is bringing us to a place of dying to self Jeremiah 17:5-8 says that those who still walk in the fear of man, trusting in what man thinks of him, will not notice when prosperity comes. Those who walk in the fear of the Lord, dying to self, will walk in a place of protection. Jonah had not yet learned to get his focus off of what people thought of him. Consequently he could not enjoy the victory of God that was right before his very eyes in the repentance of Nineveh.

Intimacy with God requires that we walk where He wishes to make an impact, whether the impact be in our own lives or in the lives of others. Often those places bring the Consuming Fire that burns away the wood, hay, or stubble. We must choose whether we will go there and see the glory of God or if we will forfeit the grace that could be ours.

What I am about to share with you has been the most terrifying of His refining fires and the greatest inner healing that I have ever experienced. After sitting in His tender Presence for three and a half years, He lifted it, He lifted it in order to expose a root in my life that must go, a root that could not be seen in that place where He kept me secure and untouched by everything around me.

This was not a place of judgment, a desert place of rebellion. Instead, it was a place of wilderness, where God lovingly scrubbed a very deep wound until it no longer festered. Then He poured out upon it the oil of joy and of healing.

But who can endure the day of His coming? Who can stand when He appears? For He will be like a refiner's fire or a launderer's soap.

(Malachi 3:2)

You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.

(Psalm 45:7)

### Walking in the Dark

"No work of God can become established unless it goes through the fire." -- Rees Howells: Intercessor by Norman Grubb (page 185). "You are always getting a death on a thing that is not essential, and then receiving a better thing for it " (page 197) "Until the Holy Spirit in you makes the suffering your own, you can't intercede for them. You will never touch the throne unless you send up that real cry; words don't count at all" (page 224).

Sometimes we carry about with us the smell of smoke, the fear of failure, until we run through the same course again and in it find that place of victory, where we become overcomers and win the prize. We go the course again because we do not know that we would win until we have indeed won. This place of fear, this return to our Judea, is not chosen by our own will but by the Lord. And when it is truly chosen by Jesus for us to go through the fire, and not by our own mistakes, Jesus will go there with us. Then, we are not alone in this thing!

My past sin had left me with the smell of smoke, though I knew His forgiveness I was still afraid that I might fall if the same trial were to be placed upon me, that trial at Intel where I was accused of being a lesbian and where those who were jealous of the promotion God had placed on me were bent to bring failure that would topple me from that position they so desperately desired for themselves. Now God would take me back to that place of testing!

My walk with God had been so precious through the previous three years since coming into the Spirit. Nothing compares with His Presence! I have been determined to never again lose that place of abiding in Him and in His holiness. Besides, when I had told Him that I would confess my sin to Margaret He told me clearly that He would give me over to that sin if I ever fell into it again, not because He was not patient but because this time I had full knowledge of what I was doing, not as before where I was unaware of what was happening. I was not to again crucify the Lord of glory by deliberately sinning against Him, especially after having tasted of the workings of the Spirit and the heart of the Father.

The following was a design of God, an attack of the enemy, and the most transforming experience of my life. This was the most terrifying time and the most like hell that I have ever experienced, but I can now say that I would not trade it for any other year of my life! My frankness is necessary for the sake of those who are prodigals returning.

God will test you in the areas where you have fallen and the next time you enter therein you must choose wisely! The only way to make it through the fire is to have the heart of the Father, to love righteousness and to hate evil, and to walk in the fear of the Lord -- that desire to please Him no matter what anyone thinks. That is so critical! It was the fear of what people thought that wounded most of us enough to be so far from the Father, not a love for the heart of the Father. For others, it was an inability to surrender to the authority God had placed over us. And for many, we have been grossly sinned against and have allowed bitterness to be our companion. It will be tested as you return!

I have extracted moments from my journal to bring about the reality of my experience (names have been changed of course, just as they have been throughout this book). As I look back now to write this portion of the book I am overwhelmed with how much God had spoken into the situation before it happened and during the dark trial that seemed at the time to be such a crushing blow. He most often spoke through every book I opened, These books I had never read before, but as I read them now they spoke so clearly that I wrote portions from them in my journal. They were the voice of God speaking directly to me!

Even though my loving heavenly Father had given me dreams and verses, prophecies and words of knowledge, visions and promises, I was crushed like grapes in a wine vat. He spoke clearly, but when I walked through the dark without any light the warmth of my dearest friend, the Holy Spirit, could not be felt. It was tempting to grab hold of my fleshly discernment, to hold tight to the fear or the pain or the bitterness, but I knew that it would mean a return to where I had come from, a return to the fifteen years of desert. I was determined through it all to make sure through fasting and prayer to have Him continually search my heart and see if there be any wicked way within it. I wanted His heart!

Please keep in mind that this was a test of God. God uses people to test us. Often those tests come through leadership because God has entrusted them with our lives. My sweet friend, Miriam, was used of God to bring the deepest change in me.

THIS WAS A TEST!

"Lord Jesus, bring light to those in darkness, hope to those who even now suffer similar disappointments, and penetrate the heart of the reader by Your Holy Spirit to receive the truth that will set them free."

Morning Star Journal, Vol. 3, No.3, Rick Joyner, page one: "It is one of the basic strategies of the enemy of our souls to enslave the church through 'spiritual totalitarianism'. This is done by controlling and oppressing believers through fear and intimidation. Fear is the counter-power to faith and the two are locked in a life and death struggle for every believer. One of the most important battlegrounds for the hearts of men is spiritual slavery versus spiritual liberty."

### JUNE 1993 -- God goes before us!

Journal (June 3, 1993): AGAPE (unconditional love of God) is a relationship without walls of self protection. To agape is to sacrifice, to love regardless of the response or return.

Journal (June 6, 1993): Rees Howells (page 38) "On no account will I allow you to cherish a single thought of self, and the life that I will live in you will be 100% for others. You will never be able to save yourself, any more than the Savior could when He was on earth. Now, are you willing?"

Journal (June 8, 1993): A card with two little girls sitting on a bench with each an arm around the other and note from my friend Miriam written inside, one of the most precious things I have ever received from anyone!

Journal (June 14, 1993): Chuck and I went to Kansas City to a conference on the Passion of the Heart of God. There, during worship, I saw a vision of my feet nailed to a cross, but my hands were free. What is about to happen?

Some man wanted to get by me because the service was over and I tried to move but my feet were stuck as if they were nailed to the floor. I interpreted this vision to mean that I was going to bear a cross or be a living martyr where I was not to run, just as it was that I could not move when the man wanted to pass me in the isle. I was to keep my feet nailed to that cross.

A year earlier, in Spring of 1992, I had an interesting dream. In the dream, Chuck and I were listening to John White speak on repentance. We then went outside into the parking lot where two people met us. They took me to an interrogation room where they discussed behind my back what they would do with me. One of them said to the other, "I know. Let's send her back to Egypt!". In the next scene one of the people was driving a car and the other person was sitting with me in a rumple seat at the back of the car facing toward the direction we had come from. I turned to the person sitting with me and very excitedly said, 'This is going to turn out to be a testimony!".

When I awoke from that dream, I knew that God had warned me that in the future I would face a situation where the sin I had confessed to Margaret would come up again and I would be forced by two people into dwelling on it again. John White symbolized for me my decision to tell my sin to the appropriate person as God directed. The interrogation room symbolized becoming captive to these people and in bondage to their wishes. The way they discussed what to do with me was done behind my back, perhaps to set me up for a fall. The car symbolized some type of ministry. The person driving the car was the one in control of this captivity, was in control of this ministry, and headed in one direction or had an agenda in regard to my sin. The other person was seeing things my way and was not in control of what was going on. The second person was directly involved with conversation with me whereas the driver was remote. My "testimony" statement assured me that indeed as something dark and ugly happened God was going to turn it around to bring about something marvelous.

I was extremely curious when this thing was going to happen. I was absolutely sure that it would happen and that I was to be comforted by it, not to pray that it would not come about. Besides, when I agreed to confess my sin to Margaret, God said that if anyone used my sin against me it would not be Him, but it would be the devil.

Now it was summer of 1993 and the most devastating things began to happen. This dream was so significant to things that were about to happen that many times it was the tiny thread that kept me from running, and kept me from literally dying.

Journal (June 20, 1993): IT IS TIME TO GO AGAINST THE FLOW, AGAINST THE SPIRIT OF RELIGION, THAT VOICE THAT DENIES THE POWER OF THE SPIRIT OF GOD -¬God

Journal (June 23, 1993): TESTS SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOUR HEART IS LIKE MY HEART -- THAT IS A GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT, THE ONE WHO HAS MY HEART WHEN TESTED. -- God

Journal (June 24, 1993): Lord, what does this mean? "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings". Lord, what are the hidden things You are trying to awaken me to? RIDDLES. Riddles in regard to the Word, to relationship with Miriam, what? YOU ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF A HUGE TEST. THIS TEST WILL DETERMINE THE REST OF THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE. CHOOSE LIFE! -- God.

I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you will know that I am the Lord, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

(lsa. 45:3)

### July 1993 The Treasures of Darkness

"Joyful are the Christians who faithfully claim the Word of the Kingdom and move in its power to free and heal. But such a ministry is never, to my knowledge, without personal suffering. Those I've known who have been effective in the healing ministry, that is, in helping others to heal their relationships, incur the severest wrath of the Evil One. They may find every close personal relationship under an utterly demonic and irrational attack. This, of course, is because Christians who come into spiritual and psychological wholeness are thereby freed to go out and take the world for Christ." -- The Healing Presence by "Leanne Payne (page 33).

As we sat on a rock in a park in our city, Miriam gave me a list of things that she said were words from God to me, all words of correction. She started out by saying that this might not be the right time to do this. She said I was not to mentor a young man God had told me to mentor in the things of the Spirit. I knew that his view of women had been so badly destroyed by control, domination, and manipulation by a mother who felt that she needed to keep him possessed by her own personal needs. But, as Miriam put it, he needed a man. Strangely, I hadn't mentored this young man at all. I met with his mother to pray to her. She said that I was not to do my laundry at the Suds and Duds. Because there was a gay bar next door and some of them would do their laundry there, she felt I was too weak. She spoke correction again and said that I was too isolated and needed people to speak into my life. I started to feel confused. Nothing she said was true, but because I had seen a blinding spirit on those in Branches I turned my focus inward, afraid that I too might be blinded to the truth.

As she gave me the last one, the sixth one on her list, something horrible happened to me. As she told me that I needed to get counseling from a group that counsels homosexuals my heart seemed to shrink to the size of a golf ball, I became dizzy and confused, I was having difficulty breathing, I became so traumatized that my mind was locked up, and the heaviest wall of demonic presence hit me so hard and fast that I was unable to sense the Presence of the Holy Spirit that had been constantly on me for years. I felt as though the Holy Spirit had gone far away and been replaced by Satan, himself. A huge sword went through me so deeply that I was overwhelmed with torment.

I laid back on the rock, trying to survive, wondering if my heart would completely stop any moment, wanting to run away from her, but I was paralyzed. I knew then that if she felt that I needed to get counseling for homosexual problems our friendship was over. I became confused because I had never had any lesbian feelings toward her, yet I was to go for counseling. I never had such desires toward her and even held back from freely receiving from her.

I knew somewhat instinctively that I was going to have to submit to her request because she was a pastor over me and had made comments months back about how others would not submit to leaders because of their rebellion toward authority. I knew that if she thought that she had gotten these corrections from God there would be no discussion about their validity. I became trapped in a bondage that was more frightening than anything I had ever experienced.

There were tears in my eyes but I could not fully cry, I had no desire to scream or to not submit or to do anything at all. I was totally paralyzed and ceased up inside. It was as though my best friend had just died. I tried eventually to cry out to God, but it was like crying out into a vacuum. The darkness absorbed the prayer and left me feeling as though I were literally sitting in hell. Finally I asked Miriam to pray that I would not run, for somehow I knew that I must not run. She said that she had already prayed that.

When I got home I lay on my bed fully expecting to die. My heart was stressed to its limit. I was ill. I put worship music on but it was dead, the joy was drained out of it, and hopelessness was too great for anything to penetrate this darkness, a darkness that never lifted day or night until Chuck and I got on an airplane to fly out of Denver for Christmas six months later!

Journal (July 9, 1993): IF IT FEELS LIKE DEATH IT IS NOT ME. -- God

Journal (July 11, 1993): Holy Spirit, Precious Holy Spirit, I am like an abandoned child, fearful and grieving. Holy Spirit, comfort me! I want to run. I'm not sure I can keep from running. Again I am alone in something too hard. You have seen my heart and You know that I have withheld nothing from You. THIS IS A TEST! – God

Because your sin are so many and your hostility so great, the prophet is considered a fool, the inspired man a maniac. (Hosea 9:7) God tests our hearts (Jer. 11:20), to bring an end to the violence of the wicked and make the righteous secure (Psa. 7:9), to examine us (Job 7:18), and His fire will test the quality of each man's work

(I Cor. 3:13).

I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed I do not even judge myself.

(I Cor. 4: 2)

Journal (July 12, 1993): MY LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR -God.

Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.

(I Cor. 4:2)

Journal (July 13, 1993): Holy Spirit, I can't go on with You. I have lost my way. My inner being is crushed beyond repair. When Miriam talked to me last Tuesday something happened to my little spirit. All faith and hope and joy flew away. Lord, You have asked me to stop being isolated and I have done that. You have had me be transparent and I have done that. I have done all Your will.

I LOVE TO LOVE YOU. NAIL YOUR HEART TO THE CROSS – God

"God is preparing a people who can hold His Glory." - Mahesh Chavda

I WILL NOT PUT MY GLORY IN A HEART THAT HOLDS OTHER THINGS - God - SUBMIT! OBEY HER AS YOUR COVERING

Journal (July 14, 1993): Today I remember the dream You gave me about a year ago of the bicycle rider: I was riding up a hill in the Colorado National Monument in a big bicycle race. I was neck and neck with the leaders. When we got to the top where there was a parking lot, the leaders stopped to refresh and repair but I was full of energy and went on to start down the mountain. As I started down the winding road with steep cliffs on one side I started to put on the breaks. Just then I heard You say very forcefully and clearly in the dream, "IF YOU USE THE BRAKES YOU WILL NOT WIN THE RACE!"

Lord, I know that the bicycle is symbolic of one-on-one ministry. To not put on the brakes, is to not hold back but to be open, transparent, and vulnerable, doing all that You place in front of me.

Journal (July 15, 1993): A DREAM (and interpretation): I had a dream last night: Part One - My house was being moved down the street in midday (God is moving my life onto a new foundation). I was concerned because houses were normally moved at night so as to avoid holding up traffic and inconveniencing others (my growth was going to be open and apparent to many. It was going to be messy!). Part Two - Behind the house a baggage cart low to the ground with tiny wheels. On the cart were a number of elephants dragging their feet (I had some baggage of memories that God needed to call to my attention and get me to walk away from). I was pushing the cart (elephants can walk so why am I pushing these beasts around?) but the tiny wheels kept changing direction every time they hit the slightest pebble (the load was both unnecessary and causing me to be frustrated at every little bump in life. Little things made too much of a difference in my walk with the Lord). End of dream.

We win as we shake free of all the weights of the world and of the past. We need to get to the point where self is replaced by the Spirit of God. It costs to come into that holy place with Him!

Roberts Lairdon, The Price of Spiritual Power: "Be free of everything that would keep you from fulfilling My call and that would hinder your ability to flow with My Spirit." (pg. 9). "Wake up the mighty men and women ... wake up those who have pure hearts and motives toward Me ... wake up the mighty men and women who know how to pray in the Spirit till victory comes ... wake up those who have been despised and rejected because of the traditions of men that are contrary to Me." (pg.11). "Those who mourn the death of self in this place will never be able to be used for the glory of God." (pg.20).

Journal (July 16, 1993): Morning Star JournaI, Vol. 3 NO.1: "To be an overcomer requires the presence of difficult, contrary, situations that provide us with an opportunity to choose." (pg. 17).

Journal (July 17, 1993): Lord, You are sifting wheat from tares. Will I pass?

Journal (July 19, 1993): Lord, Miriam is being tested too. She is being tested of the thing she ran from before, that lesbian spirit, and it will make her or break her. The enemy will press her with feelings that she is a lesbian. Lord, prepare her with the truth and with Your Spirit of Liberty. Bring healing Lord!

You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? That kind of persuasion does not come from the One who calls you!

(Gal. 5:7)

Cry of the Spirit, sermons of Smith Wigglesworth by Roberts Lairdon: "All victories are won in battles." "It is those people who have been in the fight who tell of the victories." 'It is in the trial that we are made perfect." "When the trial is severe -- when you think that no one is tried as much as you -- when the trial is so hard you cannot sleep and you do not know what to do -- count it all joy. God has something divine in it." "You are in a good place when you do not know what to do. Your story of victory is forming." (pg. 77-79). "God is electrifying the very position of you so that the devil will see there is a character about you." (pg. 82).

Lord, this spirit of torment that has crushed my spirit all my life must go. Jesus, do whatever You must to rid me of this demon. SOON THAT DEMON OF TORMENT WILL HAVE NO PLACE - God. I AM BUILDING CREDIBILITY BEFORE MEN, ANGELS, AND THE DEMONIC REALM. THERE ARE MANY WITNESSES.

I met with Miriam again. She had left for almost two weeks right after giving me that "word from the Lord". Finally I am able to ask her what she meant by the things she said before she left. So, we went on a hike..

But, she had more things for me to correct! She said that I should sit in on her class, a class we both taught together twice. That is painful! She said that I should join a women's support group because I needed people to speak into my life. People do speak into my life! She said that my relationship with Chuck wasn't right (Where did I hear that before?). That is not true! She said that my relationship to the pastor over me was not in good order. At one point, as she spoke over me my hands got very numb like with the Krishna's and the witchcraft on the mall. I was filled with agonizing grieving pain. I cried out loud, "God, help me! God, help me!", with my head in my lap. She just stood there, then told me that she was doing spiritual warfare for me.

All I wanted was to have God be pleased with me. I was aware that the violent anger I used to have would have raged under this condition. In the past I might have become extremely violent. I never became angry. However, my spirit could not have been more grieved!

As we continued to walk up the path, Miriam twirled around and with glee announced again that she was doing spiritual warfare for me. She was excited that she had discovered a new way of praying.

Journal (July 21, 1993): Holy Spirit, my heart cries out for your comfort. You say rejoice, but I cannot rejoice. Please save me! TAKE NO OFFENSE. WALK IN MY LOVE NO MATTER WHAT. I'm not sure I have it to give, Lord. REST IN MY LOVE. I truly believe that I will have a heart attack on Monday when I go to meet the counselor.

"For a brief moment I abandoned you, with deep compassion I will bring you back."

(Isaiah)

Journal (July 22, 1993): Lord, You tell me that I will never lose a battle. YOU WILL COME OUT SMELLING LIKE A ROSE - God.

"Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land -- against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land. They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you", declares the Lord.

(Jer.1:17-19)

BE CLOTHED IN RIGHTEOUSNESS, IN AGREEMENT WITH ME ON THIS. WRITE A BOOK OF REMEMBRANCE. – God

NOTE: This book is that Book of Remembrance!

Journal (July 23, 1993): The Price of Spiritual Power, by Roberts Lairdon: "To reject your cross experience is, literally, to play games with God. That is, to reject your cross experience will mean that you are not really serious about the things of God, and He is not a top priority with you."

Journal (July 24, 1993): , MorningStarIournaL Vol. 3 NO.1 Paul Cain: "The next generation of leaders must understand that they are about to enter a place where they have not passed before. Along with a strong foundation of lessons from the past, they must also be able to hear the Lord and follow Him in ways that they have not known before. They must learn to be strategically led by the Spirit in a fresh new way. They are truly coming into a time when they will need to be able to bring from their treasures, which is their wisdom, things both old and new." "The Lord is going to open wide the windows of heaven for those who will dare to stay in His presence long enough to receive their marching orders." (pg. 55).

Journal (July 26, 1993): Miriam met with me to pray before meeting Grace, the counselor. In that time with her she asked me if 1 wanted to change. At that moment I remembered the prophecy about Chuck and I accepting "change across the board" that was given to us through Brent Rue. The word of the Lord was in part, WILL YOU ACCEPT CHANGE? I knew that God was in here somewhere.

NOTE: Miriam smirked and had the same smile on her face as was on my mothers face when she sat on top of me and beat me at age fifteen, while saying, "You say you love God but you are evil!"

"I will make you a wall to this people, a fortified wall of bronze. They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you to rescue and save you from the hand of the wicked and redeem you from the grasp of the cruel."

(Jer. 15:20-21)

Journal (July 30, 1993): Woke up depressed about going to counseling. Focusing on Egypt (the place of past sin and self-focus) seems wrong, but getting rid of this tormentor seems necessary. The tormentor wants me to commit suicide or run far away. He reminds me that again I am alone in this.

I cannot share my grief with others because it would cause inappropriate feelings in lose who would pray for me. I had had one the pastors over me pray for me, but he wept and declared that he was quitting his job because of all of those who had been treated wrongly.

Lord, the dream about going back to Egypt is happening. I just thank You for everything and let You do whatever You wish. If You do not rescue me I will literally be dead. Come, Holy Spirit!

NOTE: Adam and Eve were God-focused in the garden before the fall. When Satan came to tempt them he did not get them to bow their knee to worship him. He merely got them to become self-focused. He was totally satisfied to get them to no longer be God-focused. Satan's intent was not so much to hurt man but to hurt God, to get Him back for taking away his position of authority. What could grieve God more than to lose the intimacy He had with these lovely creatures He had lovingly made for the purpose of fellowship.

Journal (July 31, 1993): Holy Spirit, my heart is broken. I can't fix it. I don't know how to fix it and have little hope that it could ever be repaired. I know that You can do it but I have very little hope.

I am like Job. My pain is too great. I hate it here and only want to be with You, Holy Spirit! GO THROUGH THE COUNSELING AND WATCH ME FETCH YOU OUT OF THE CESSPOOL. I WILL ESTABLISH YOU; THIS IS THE BIG ONE, THAT BIG TEST THAT WILL GET RID OF THE ELEPHANTS AND MEMORIES AND WOUNDS. -- God.

NOTE: As I have said previously, my father had told me that I could fall into a cesspool and come out smelling like a rose.

Lord, You gave me Isaiah 54 in regard to this friendship some months ago.

Isaiah 54

• Be transparent

• Do not be afraid

• You will not suffer shame/humiliation

• You will forget the shame of your youth

• I will hide My face from you

• I will come back with great compassion

• I will establish a covenant of peace with you

• You will be a strong city

• In righteousness you will be established

• Your attacker will surrender to you

• I have allowed the destroyer to work havoc

• No weapon forged against you will prevail

• You will refute every tongue that accuses you

• I will vindicate you

But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it -- he will be blessed in what he does.

(James 1:25 )

### AUGUST 1993 -- Pain and Confusion

This trial seemed to get worse the longer it went on. The enemy used a wearing down tactic. I could barely keep on going though I tried my best to focus on the Lord. The counseling made it impossible to keep my focus. The counseling was nothing more than my sharing my past and my woundedness, but the more I focused there, the deeper hold the enemy got. My mind was caught in a steal trap that could not be broken by me. Accusations ran through my head non-stop. I could focus on nothing but my troubles.

Thoughts of suicide would hit me hard. Often I thought of running away to another state or town, But I knew that the worst thing I could do was to run. I most often thought of leaving this church, because it no longer felt like home. It was the only family I had ever really known and now it was excruciating to show up on Sundays. When I would wake up on Sunday mornings I would be overcome with the grief of my situation and by that same horrible darkness that hit me when Miriam shared her word from the Lord, though mentally I knew God's love and promises in it. I sat every Sunday in the front row of the church and many times cried all the way through worship because of the pain of all the joy that had been robbed from me. I had loved the church and my new friends in Christ deeply but now that seemed like history. Pain dominated every part of me.

Journal (August 2, 1993): Holy Spirit, let me never take you lightly! You surround me with Your Presence, that "electric blanket" of energy. It is almost my birthday. I thought I would not live so long.

Lord Jesus, somehow let Miriam know that my intentions of being in her life are pure, that I really do like her and love her, and that I have Your best in mind.

Father, what I want for my birthday is maturity. Please look on Your shelves and clothe me in a coat of maturity. IT IS THE COAT OF MANY COLORS. THE PROMISES OF GOD. HOLDING ONTO THE PROMISES BRINGS MATURITY. HOLD FIRM AND DO NOT WAVER ("waver" = to be in and out of the Spirit.") -- God

Journal (August 4, 1993): I had been wondering if I would indeed turn out smelling like a rose. Today Terry Hultquist handed me a single red rose! Lord, Your ways are awesome!

Journal (August 6, 1993): Miriam gave me a ceramic rose for my birthday. You, Lord, had my accuser hand me a rose! – I will indeed come out smelling like a rose!

Lord, please bring us that house and land and place of worship (we live with my brother).

Journal (August 7, 1993): TEACHING: THE WILDERNESS

A. THE PURPOSE OF THE WILDERNESS:

• To get Egypt out of our memories and get a new identity

• Test us to see if we recognize our God by His miracles

• To get our hearts ready for the promised land and to "own" what He gives us

B. WHAT GOD LOOKS FOR IN THE WILDERNESS:

• He looks at our heart in difficult things (our focus)

• Will we grumble or love the things that He loves?

• Will we build idols or sanctify ourselves unto Him?

• Will we recognize the promised land or long for Egypt?

• It tests our discernment -- will we accept the voices of others?

• Do we walk with a different spirit as Caleb?

• Do we challenge authority or walk in submission?

C. THE PROVISION AND BLESSINGS OF THE WILDERNESS:

• He uses a leader (Moses)

• He gives us a priestly fellowship (Aaron)

• He provides prophetic utterance (Moses and Miriam)

• He leads us with the natural (cloud by day)

• He gives us the light of revelation in the darkness (fire by night)

• He provides water (the flow of the Holy Spirit)

• He gives manna, the food of angels (the word of the Spirit)

• Meat falls from heaven (the Word of God)

• He joins us in the wilderness (tabernacles among us)

• He gives us the spoils of Egypt (robs the wicked and gives to the righteous)

• Miracles are necessary / abundant if we look for them (clothes didn't wear out)

• He establishes a reputation with those around us (enemies feared them)

• The desert is the end of testing (coming out of Egypt)

• One result is health (they were not ill)

Journal (August 10, 1993): What is my life to You that You kept me from ending it in front of the train behind the school? Why did You stop me to suffer thirty more years? Is it to rejoice that I have many crowns in glory? I will cast them at Your feet because only You are worthy! Lord, I will not forsake You. Let the witnesses of heaven take notice. I will follow You into the fire, into the pit of hell if You wish. I will not curse my Precious Friend, my Jesus and Savior, my only hope and light in this life. Your Spirit is far from me. Deserts are no fear. Wilderness is nothing. I am done! I am finished! Do not patch me up to become a play toy for devils! Let me go! Let me be released from this hell!

I have only one thing left. I still love You with all my heart and I worship You! Your judgments are just. Your faithfulness never ends. Your thoughts of love toward me number more than the sand of the sea. Lord, kiss my Precious Friend for me, Your sweet Spirit whose name is Holy. How I miss Him! How I love Him! How I long to hear His voice and to feel His gentle touch! What I would give to have Him hold me and rock me just once more! O, how much I adore Him!

A Call to Action, by Roberts Lairdon: "God wants sold out people, ones who don't care what other people think. He wants people who dare to be different and enjoy it." (pg. 48).

Journal (August 12, 1993): With this fast and my determination to be rid of this pain the tormentor rises up more viciously. I fear for my life. To dwell on him, even if it is to get rid of him, gives him more power. I am unable to stand against him alone. However, as I say with my heart, "Whatever You want, Lord," he seems to retreat immediately.

Holy Spirit, protect me physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and socially as I go through counseling. Give Grace wisdom and favor. One slight error and I may not make it through this. I commend my life and my spirit into Your hands.

Journal (August 13, 1993): "Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the words of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light (revelation of truth), trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God". (Isa. 50:10)

LEARN TO GLOW IN THE DARK! -- God

Lord, the religious group I was raised in had a base of rebellion toward the Holy Spirit.

They insulted the Spirit of Grace. I repent for my part in that and I renounce the religious spirits that come with it.

Journal (August 14, 1993): THE ONLY TRUE WAY TO FULLY KNOW JESUS IS TO WALK IN HIS SHOES, NOT IN OUR MINDS, BUT AS THE APOSTLE PAUL, IN THE FELLOWSHIP OF JESUS' SUFFERINGS. – God

Journal (August 17, 1993):

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned.

(Song of Sol. 8:6-7)

Journal (August 18, 1993): Lord, I am afraid to go to counseling. I am afraid I will die in my grief. There is no one to hold me.

Journal (August 19, 1993): I AM TAKING YOU TO THE CROSS, TO ACCUSERS AND HUMILIATION, AND TO THE ABSENCE OF MY PRESENCE FOR A SHORT TIME. IT IS NECESSARY IN MY TRIAL TO BE WITHOUT COMFORT OF THE HOLY SPIRIT. IT WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN AN APPROPRIATE TEST IF YOU WERE COMFORTED BY MY SPIRIT WITHIN IT ALL. DO YOU TRUST ME TO PLUCK YOU OUT OF HELL? THE HOLY SPIRIT HAD TO PLUCK ME OUT OF HELL. I WILL FIND YOU IN THE DARKNESS OF THIS TRIAL. -- God -- THE PHARISEES ARE THE LEADERS WHO HAVE NOT GONE THROUGH THE DARK FIRE OF HELL. THEY REFUSE TO GO THERE. THEY REFUSE TO DIE TO THEMSELVES. WHEN WE ARE DONE WITH THIS TRIAL YOU WILL HAVE GREATER ACCESS TO THE FELLOWSHIP OF GOD, TO THE THRONE ROOM AND THE SECRETS OF MY HEART. -- God

Journal (August 22, 1993): This is what the Lord says,

"Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool. Where is the house you will build for me? Where will my resting place be? Has not my hand made all these things, and so they came into being?", declares the Lord. 'This is the one I esteem: he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word.

(Isa.66:1-2)

Stop trusting in man, who has but a breath in his nostrils. Of what account is he?

(Isa. 2:22)

Journal (August 23, 1993): First Day of Counseling

Father, my spirit wants to run from counseling and from life. My expectations are very negative (in regard to counseling being of any help). I keep sensing that I am being violated or abused. Lord, I am frightened!

Journal (August 24, 1993): The voice of torment or "Yak-yak" or whatever it is called causes me to question my "rightness" with You and my "wellness". This is an accusing spirit that never stops attacking my well-being.

Journal (August 27, 1993): Today, as I recall past experiences and the pain of the loss of Miriam's friendship and the misunderstandings that have come out of it, I feel the presence of the Holy Spirit hovering all about me. I feel the electricity of His presence the way the static is on the television screen, but this is all over my body. A peace saturates me though the emotional pain is intense.

Journal (August 31, 1993):

He who has no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls.

(Proverbs 25:28) (paraphrase)

Lord, I want the same relationship with Your Spirit that Kathryn Kuhlman had! Do whatever You must do to get me there.

### SEPTEMBER 1993 -- Penny is Back

All summer I became fascinated that every time I asked God if He wanted Miriam and I to continue to be friends I would see a sweatshirt that said, "E.N.U.F.F." (ENUFF of broken relationships). Those shirts weren't out when I gave her that word about relationships.

Journal (September, 1993):

If you have raced with men on foot and they have worn you out, how can you compete with horses? If you stumble in safe country, how will you manage in the thickets [where the lions lay in wait] by the Jordan?

(Jer. 12:5)

The loss of a super friendship and the freedom of it is gone and that seems to destroy me. This is a pain of divination. Lord, I told You a year ago that I didn't want another friendship because of the pain when they don't work. Now here I am again. DO YOU TRUST ME ? - God.

Yes, Lord.

Hear the word of the Lord, you who tremble at his word: your brothers who hate you and exclude you because of my name have said, let the Lord be glorified that we may see your joy! Yet they will be put to shame.

(Isa. 66:5)

Today, as Chuck and I were talking about the Lord at a restaurant, we heard the song, "Jesus Loves Me" playing. God, You are everywhere!

Journal (September 8, 1993): WHAT IS DONE TO YOU IS DONE TO ME -- God

Yesterday, Lord, I asked You how to rid myself of this tormenting spirit. Last night at our home group Dean came up to me and said something about how he tells the demons to go tell Jesus what they have been doing to him. I found it hysterical, but today I decided to tell the tormentor the same thing. I told him I wasn't leaving until he was gone. In about twenty minutes of commanding him to bow his knee to Jesus, tell Jesus what he has done to me, and declare that Jesus is Lord, the tormentor was gone! Suddenly my physical heart feels very good and my breathing has been freed up!

I decided to chase off any other "critters" that might be hanging around. When You showed me that there was a spirit of denial, that turning around of my spirit when things get tough, I commanded him to leave and I noticed a lifting off of some invisible force that used to be there. Then You showed me that there was a curse of the Freemasons from my dad's association with them. I prayed that off, repenting of it, and knew instantly that it was that curse that kept me from advancing in the kingdom. Every time the anointing would increase or a new ministry would start with me it was that spirit that would try to discourage me. Lord, I am free! I AM FREE!

Journal (September 9, 1993): What a surprise! Before the tormenting spirit left I could barely run a block. Two years ago when some people from Branches prayed over me I had electrical storms all across my chest that left me unable to run, though the day before they prayed for me I could run for an hour without being tired. Today, though I'm out of shape, I ran six miles! Praise You, Lord!

Journal (September 11, 1993): Today, Dusty, our kitten was missing. Chuck and I cried over the loss, expecting that the coyote had eaten him because he never had stayed out at night before. But something was very different! I had never experienced sorrow before. I had only experienced torment in times of discouraging situations. Before, when I cried I would feel worse and feel crushed in spirit. Today, for the first time in my life I experienced release as I cried. How free I feel! The need to be held is gone! The feeling that I am alone in my pain is gone! I no longer experience thoughts of suicide! All that went with the tormenting spirit! God, I wish people knew these things!

Journal (September 14, 1993): I went out to the Tellar Farm with my coffee and tissues in hand. Devastation, deep grieving, torment and fear are gone, but sorrow surfaces over the false accusations hurled at me in regard to being a lesbian. I started to cry as I sat in the car, but You filled me with Holy Spirit laughter for over an hour.

Journal (September 16, 1993): Holy Spirit, all day, after being with Miriam for lunch this morning, I have felt deep sorrow. The list of all the things that she feels are wrong with me keeps growing. The list is now up to twenty-two things that she feels are out of order in my life. She was angry because I called her the day after she called me to tell me not to call her. But I had to call her because she sounded down and last week she had mentioned suicide. I could not let it go. If she had not have mentioned suicide I would not have violated her space.

She says that I am her friend only to gain a platform to teach, but I never asked to teach. She had asked me. Lord, I don't understand! Lord, when, after she spoke to me angrily for two hours I told her that we shouldn't be talking about these things in this restaurant, she responded with, "Why? Do you want to go somewhere where you can yell at me and hit me?" God, I have no desire to yell at her, let alone hit her. Why would she say such a thing?

She told me angrily, "God says you're not to teach". I told her that when God chooses for me to teach I will teach. Whoever stands in His way will be removed,"

She walked out of the restaurant in anger because I told her that the word she gave me from the Lord, back in July, I could not get the Holy Spirit to endorse. Why should she get angry if I am unable to receive a word that is supposed to be from You? Only You should be concerned about that.

Lord, it was weird that her two hours of anger never penetrated me like arrows. Never in the past have words not struck me like arrows. How incredible a difference has been made in my life!

Journal (September 17, 1993):

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

(Prov. 16:3)

Journal (September 19, 1993): Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures. Lord, to have touched the heart of God is more important than to have won a victory in the natural. I want to always walk as if You are watching my heart. I love You!

Journal (September 21, 1993): TRUE INTERCESSION IS THE FLOW OF THE HOLINESS OF GOD. IT IS THE CHARACTER OF GOD IN ACTION, SET IN MOTION THROUGH THE POWER AND PRESENCE OF THE HOLY SPIRIT. - God.

Journal (September 23, 1993):

Do not be weary in well doing for in due time you will reap, if you faint not

(Heb.10:35)

Journal (September 25, 1993): Lord, I love Your church! A year or so ago, however, I had a dream in which an important woman came into an expensive and fancy art gallery. Because the woman was of some renown they begged her to display her art in their art gallery. Then I came and asked if I could display my art. I was told I would have to pay to have them display my wares on the street. Lord, it appears that what You have given me is not to be done in the church. You have equipped me, but this is not the place You will use me.

Journal (September 28, 1993): The pain of this trial intensified until I could not sleep last light. I went for an hour walk in the middle of the night. Chuck was so upset that he called Miriam's husband, Pastor, and asked that Miriam not spend time with me. Her husband said that they had checked up on me and talked to Penny of the Branches group. They have decided that I have bad "history" and I should not minister in the church. Lord, now Penny is back in the picture. Things cannot get worse!

With his mouth the godless destroys his neighbor, but through knowledge the righteous escape.

(Prov.ll:9)

### OCTOBER 1993 -- Release From Demonic Presence

When I think that I have gone down as low as is possible in the basement of my pain, I find myself going down another ten floors. Counseling seems to be the part of all of this that wears me down because of the focus on my "stuff". Grace gave me several books to read on homosexuality, but there is so little that seems to have anything to do with me. The only remark that came into my reality is one about feeling a need to be held. Under the circumstances I think that that is not so out of the ordinary.

Grace insisted that I take my anger and go yell at Miriam. God would not allow me to express any bitterness or anger toward Miriam. It would be ungodly and would violate her inner man. He will not allow me to violate the inner spirit of anyone, yet, before I came into the Spirit I could have cared less if I did such a thing. I have now become aware that the inner person is holy ground before the Lord and we are not to destroy it or violate it.

Miriam spent some time on the phone with Penny of the Branches group I had belonged to and now has more things to add to the list of things that are wrong with me. Miriam does not know about the witchcraft that went on and my confronting Penny on it. Miriam says that I have no fruit in my life. That was something Penny said to me also. But that is very far from true. This is very out of proportion and demonic! I wonder how God will make me come out smelling like a rose. It is getting more and more difficult for Him to turn things around. I think more lately about leaving the church but Grace forcefully told me that I would just end up going through the same thing somewhere else again. I know that she is right. How can 1 go on like this?

Journal (October 2, 1993):

"You brought us into prison and laid burdens on our backs. You let men ride over our heads; we went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance."

(Psa. 66:11-12)

Journal (October 2, 1993): DREAM: I saw a black Texas longhorn bull in the distance. The bull was eying me and getting ready to charge at me so I ran to close the gate. The rod that held the gate into the hole in the ground went down into the hole and disappeared so that I could not lock the gate. I ran back to the nearest building, where inside, I stood in front of Grace with no clothes on. I was extremely embarrassed. She barely noticed, but responded as though everything was okay, and safe. The bull, meantime, snorted and charged the outside of the building, crashing into it. But I knew that I was safe.

When I awoke I knew that I would be embarrassed by my vulnerability with Grace but that I was safe. The bull was symbolic of the devil and his attacks. My nakedness was symbolic of vulnerability, exposure of my inner person.

God, I have submitted to everything as You have asked me to. I don't do my laundry at Suds and Duds. I am going to a women's support group. I plan on going to the class Miriam is going to teach even though I am too beat up to go. I have chosen submission but I do not know why You want me to submit to this.

"Who among you fears the Lord and obeys the word of his servant? Let him who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the Name of the Lord and rely on his God." –

(Isa. 50:10)

Journal (October 6, 1993): Sometimes, all I can do is say over and over again, "Lord, I will never say no to You."

Journal (October 7, 1993): Miriam called last night to tell me she was doing spiritual warfare for me and that the "stuff" on her was because she was in intercession for me.

Though I never had any lesbian feelings toward her, I am losing hope that I might have anything good about me. I feel as though 1 have lost the race! I am too heart sick and wounded to go any farther.

Journal (October 8, 1993):

Come, sit on My lap, Let Me wipe away your tears

Touch your lips, kiss your face, And take away your fears.

Bring your little spirit to rest within My arms

Snuggle up into My lap where nothing ever harms.

Drink new wine abundant, eat bread without regret.

Play among the lilies, You've seen nothing yet!

My treasures flow freely, the gates of heaven opened wide.

You have been truly faithful, And for My Son you've died.

Taking up you're cross daily, doing all My will.

You've touched My heart My love, Presence of My Spirit fill.

Journal (October 9, 1993): Faith That Prevails, by Smith Wigglesworth: 'There is no other way into the deep things of God but a broken spirit. There is no other way into the power of God. God will do the exceedingly abundantly above all we ask or think for us when He can bring us to the place where we can say with Paul, I NO LONGER LlVE , and Another, even Christ, has taken the reigns and the rule." (pg. 11)

Journal (October 11, 1993): WILL YOU SERVE ME EVEN WHEN NO ONE SEES YOUR OBEDIENCE, EVEN IF THEY SPEAK EVIL OF YOU? -- God

Faith That Prevails: "I see that to be baptized in the Holy Spirit means to be baptized into death, into life, into power, into fellowship with the Trinity, where the old life ceases to be, and the life of God possesses us forever." (pg.49).

DREAM: I had a dream last night that I ran a race, a marathon, and won. I stood on the 1st place stand and was given the gold medal about my neck just like in the Olympics. After the race, I was surrounded by people as we sat at a picnic table, but not one of them noticed that I had won. I felt very alone as I walked across the street to pick up my trophy, a trophy that was presented to me by two judges that honored me.

Journal (October 13, 1993):

"Do I lack strength to rescue you? The Sovereign Lord has opened my ears, and I have not been rebellious; I have not drawn back."

(Isaiah 50:2)

The pain that I suffer seems to be broken when I break the curse of witchcraft. That is the only time it seems to run away. Lord, what is the doorway I give to the enemy that allows witchcraft (heaviness and confusion) to crush my spirit? THE DOORWAY TO WITCHCRAFT IS SELF-ABUSE, SELF-HATRED. WITCHCRAFT CANNOT TOUCH YOU IF YOU LOVE WHAT GOD LOVES. -- God

As I repented of self-abuse and self-hatred the witchcraft heaviness and confusion lifted and hasn't returned!

Journal (October 25, 1993): I had been given a definition of a "Shrike" personality by the head counselor at church. The shrike bird impales its victim and picks it to death. There is a personality that impales those who are righteous and godly and then picks them to death because it is a religious spirit that hates the real thing. The real Presence of God causes the religious spirit to be exposed and vulnerable.

That day, I prayed that God would tell me if I had been attacked by a "shrike" personality or if I was just thinking that to clear my own conscience. At our home group one of the ladies praying over me said that she saw a vision of a tool, an instrument for repairing things, that was pinching me all over and making sores whenever it pinched me.

I recognized that my own mind had taken up that activity toward myself. "Lord, I repent of the shrike spirit and I command him to go!"

My mind is silent for the first time that I can recall! I thought it was a joke to clear your mind and let it be blank. Now I know that it was filled with a shrike spirit "yakking" at me all the time. Lord, You are wonderful!

Journal (October 26, 1993): While praying the streets of the city today, I asked the lord if I had to continue to go to counseling. It is hard to go there. I asked if He wanted me to do this hard thing. Just then a boy on a bicycle rode by me with a black tee shirt on with two inch high letters that said, "DO THE HARD THING!". God, the way You answer me is awesome! I will continue going to counseling even though I am to pay $15.00 for each visit every week.

Journal (October 27, 1993): I just can't seem to get rid of the words Miriam has spoken over me. Her words keep haunting me!

"No one who speaks falsely will stand in My presence."

(Psa. 101:7)

"Blessed are they who maintain justice, who constantly do what is fight."

(Psa. 106:3)

Journal (October 28, 1993): TO BE FREE IS TO CHOOSE. NOW FLY WITH ME.! YOU CAN ONLY FLY IN THE SPIRIT! -- God

### NOVEMBER 1993 -- Jonathan Broke Covenant with David

God had removed demonic influences from my life that had been there in most cases since birth. When some of them left I was amazed at how free I was in my mind and in my physical heart. I had never felt that way before! I never before believed that Christians could have demons, but the difference was so profound that I could not deny it.

I remembered often the prophetic words I had heard a year earlier at a conference, that "those in the Last Days, in the end time army would not build the end time church if they had blood on their hands, just as David was not allowed to build the temple because he had blood on his hands." I did not want to have blood on my hands.

During a conference Miriam sat alone. I went to her and asked if we could be friends again. I later asked Pastor if he and Miriam and I could get together so that they could speak to me and pray over me because they obviously had some issues with me. He said okay, but that never did happen.

Journal (November 3, 1993): Spiritual Timing, by Roberts Lairdon: "Do not try to live your life according to what other people do. I have learned to live my life two ways: one, according to the timing of God; and two, according to the calling upon my life." (pg. 41).

Journal (November 7, 1993): It is amazing how God brings the right word at the right time to speak to me.

Spiritual Timing, by Roberts Lairdon: "Do not allow people or circumstances to put you in a box or place you in a certain slot and keep you there. Have faith that God knows what He is doing, and keep your mind under control. Do not allow your mind to abort you from the time God has placed you in." (pg. 42).

Journal (November 8, 1993): Today, while walking on the bike path, broken and suffering because of this accusation and the results that have banned me from ministry, the Lord spoke very clearly, THE ATTACK IS AGAINST THE ANOINTING, NOT YOU. IT IS AN ATTACK ON ME, NOT YOU! This was new revelation. I no longer had to feel that this was a personal issue. It did not release me from the pain, however.

Then, after He spoke this, He said He would buy me breakfast, that we would have a croissant and coffee together at the Boulangerie. I started toward the Boulangerie and Within a block I found two one dollar bills on the ground! When I bought my croissant and coffee it came to $2.07, so I teased Him that He was short seven cents. He reminded me that the day before, while pumping gas, there was seven cents at my feet and that I picked them up, SO WE'RE EVEN! God, You're cool!

These delights are in part to show me that I was not imagining that He said that the attack was not on me but on Him. Some of this activity of God is confirmation of His love and sometimes it is confirmation of a message given in order to tell me that I am indeed hearing clearly.

Journal (November 9, 1993): The verses that keep coming at just the right moment are incredible!

You must return to your God; maintain love and justice, and wait for your God always.

(Hosea 10: 12)

While walking on the bike path today, an elderly woman passed me. After I was about a hundred yards beyond her the Lord said to go back and give her the $20 that was in my pocket. So, I ran back, held out the twenty dollar bill, and said, "God says you need this." She literally snatched it from me and said loudly, "WHAT?" I perceived she might not hear well so I loudly said it again, "GOD SAYS YOU NEED THIS!" She grabbed me with a cry and hugged me. I sensed that God wanted to be alone with her so I simply said, "God bless you" and went on.

About another hundred yards, I had been thinking about how much God had loved this woman though I had no feelings for her, He said very clearly, LOVE IS NOT AN EMOTION. IT IS THE ABILITY TO SEE AND THE WILLINGNESS TO RESPOND! - God.

I was overwhelmed by what He said.

Journal (November 13, 1993): DO NOT GIVE UP. YOU ARE ABOUT TO REAP BIG TIME! -- God.

Your friendship is my desire. I would give up my house, friendships, giftings, success, dignity and favor with men, but let me know You and be your friend and You be my friend.

What does it cost to be the friend of God? BE A VESSEL OF HONOR

What do You mean? What is a vessel of honor to You Lord? IT IS A PRECIOUS STONE EMBEDDED IN A RING OF HOLINESS.

"Like a wedding ring? I do not understand, Lord. Please explain. IT IS A PERSON OF STRENGTH AND STABILITY EMBEDDED IN MY PRESENCE AND MY PRECIOUS SPIRIT, MARRIED TO MY PURPOSES.

How do I achieve strength and stability? I know that I lack just that. TO KNOW ME EXPERIENTIALLY.

Journal (November 19, 1993): When Chucky had gone to talk to Pastor, Pastor said that I was a "spiritual superstar". I think they mean that I don't really love Jesus, but that I am just showing off. Ouch! They are seriously implying that I'm not walking by the Spirit. Pastor also said that because of Penny's words that I have bad "history" which implies that I will always have bad "history" and am never to function within this body of believers without great scrutiny. I feel painfully labeled!

When Pastor told Chuck that I was a lesbian, Chuck got angry. Pastor angrily told Chuck to get counseling for his anger. In fifteen years of marriage I have only seen Chucky get angry about fifteen times. I don't know anyone who is more even tempered! The counselor told him she saw no reason for him to be there and dismissed him from continuing the counseling after one visit.

I want to expose Penny's witchcraft to clear myself but God says not to do it.

Father, I could bear all of this if it weren't coming from my friend, with whom I made covenant like that of David and Jonathan. Lord, test me until You trust me!

"If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were raising himself against me, I could hide from him. But it is you, a man like myself, my companion, my close friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship as we walked with the throng at the house of God." "My companion attacks his friends; he violates his covenant."

(Psa. 55:12-14 and 20)

Journal (November 21, 1993): Went to counseling. Grace said that I was getting "stuff" from my mind and not from God. I know Miriam said too that people don't talk to God in two-way conversations as I do. God, am I blinded!

Grace also said that God did not tell me to be transparent and vulnerable with Miriam. I think she is trying to tell me that I am a homosexual and that I became Miriam's friend because of my own inner needs. God, You know that I dreaded stepping out of my comfort zones to do what You asked me to do. lf Grace is right, I am very spiritually blind!

Near the end of the counseling session I became traumatized. She kept pressing me about these things of not hearing God and of having wrong motives toward Miriam. In my confusion and pain I went into something like shock. I could not hear anything she said and was hardly able to see the things around me. I had something like "tunnel vision". I barely made it to the car when I left. I thought that I would just sit in the car and cry, but as soon as I got to the car God covered me with a blanket of peace, peace that permeated my inner being as well, for two whole days. God, You are staying very close to me!

Journal (November 24, 1993): It is when we are absolutely vulnerable, as to be crushed in our spirits by the slightest breeze or touch or word, that God displays Himself with the most miraculous and supernatural touch of tenderness and protection. To become so childlike produces an unsolicited response from the Holy Spirit.

"Then I [the Holy Spirit] was the craftsman by His side. I was filled with delight day after day, rejoicing always in His Presence, rejoicing in His whole world and delighting in mankind." –

(Prov. 8:30-31) (brackets are mine)

Journal (November 28, 1993): David said in Psa. 69:20, "Scorn has broken my heart and has left me helpless; I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters, but I found none."

Lord Jesus, I know this is talking of how You felt when crucified because the next verse talks about being given vinegar for his thirst. Verse 26 says, "They persecute those You wound and talk about the pain of those You hurt." Lord, You have wounded me.

It is the practice of Your Presence that brings the gifts and fruit.

Journal (November 29, 1993): Morning Star JournaI, Vol. 3 NO.9: "Freedom is a prerequisite for a true relationship." "It is the evil one who forces and pressures us into obedience or commitments and such will never bring forth true righteousness which can only come from the heart. Manipulation, intimidation, and control are not from the Spirit of Truth, but are evil spirits that drive men from the truth and seek to bind them in darkness." (pg. 5)

### DECEMBER 1993 -- We Flew Away

Trials are easier if there are those to console us. This trial, however, left me in a very bad place. How could I tell anyone my trouble? If I shared it with anyone I would be guilty of slandering the leadership around me and those I spoke to might become angry toward my accusers. I would have blood on my hands!

A faithful friend prayed for me through most of the trial. I only told her of the situation because she already knew too much. She was concerned about the degree of pain that was obviously on me on Sundays. Terry stuck it through with me and I'm blessed by her. I did recognize, however, that God was allowing her to be aware of these things because she was to go through a similar trial. I told her so. Today, as I write this she is going through that trial and I know that she will not run.

There were three others who prayed with me because of the intensity of pain that was on me, pain that I knew all along to be charismatic witchcraft (charismatic witchcraft : prayers prayed for me through selfish control and manipulation rather than in the Spirit). One said that God was surrounding me with people I could trust because He was about to do something with me.

BUT, the trial continued at the same intensity. What lingered, though God had removed so many things from me, was my fear that somehow I had gone off track. I was bombarded with doubt that the ministry God was doing through me was truly Him. I had been worn down to the point that I was concerned about being governed by a blinding spirit. I desperately needed God to confirm that my ministry of hearing from Him and doing whatever He said to do was really from Him.

Journal (December 4, 1993): I asked God for confirmation that I was indeed bearing fruit something Miriam said I did not have) and eight people came up to me this Sunday to tell me that God had worked through me to do His pleasure. There were those who had recalled the teaching at the retreat last May, one who had been at our church a year ago when I prayed over her and anger left and hadn't returned, another whose knee was healed, a woman who was released from generational fear (along with her daughter who hadn't been there for the prayer), another who was blessed by my love toward him over time, etc.

Journal (December 6, 1993): Told Grace that I was aware that I had made a vow as a child, under stressful times, that I didn't need anyone. I repented of it and found that needing people was indeed the way God wanted things. God wants us to need each other. Before, I would automatically say, when people disappointed me, "I don't them anyway" or "I don't need that" and then run. To not need people is to not see them as God does. He certainly needs us to do and be whatever He has in mind for the Kingdom.

### LONELINESS IS THE INABILITY TO NEED OTHERS -- God.

"By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established; through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures." –

(Prov.25:3-4)

Journal (December 13, 1993): Kathryn Kuhlman, by Roberts Lairdon: "I sought understanding of the things that are spiritual. It seems all I have done is pray one constant prayer, being constantly conscious of His Presence. That is the reason He is real to me as the next beat of my heart -- more real to me, very, very often, than one sitting in the room with me." (pg.29).

Journal (December 18, 1993):

"How great is your goodness which you have stored up for those who fear you, which you bestow in the sight of men on those who take refuge in you."

(Psa. 31:19)

Journal (December 20, 1993): When Chuck and I got on the airplane to go to California for Christmas, before the plane even took off, the confusion and oppression lifted! I had not even prayed or anything! This whole trial must have had a territorial spirit about it! I would not have believed it had I not experienced it myself! This horrible demon was afraid of flying!

In California everything seemed so clear. I was tired and weary, even worn out physically from the length of this trial, but my mind was clear and I saw everything without any confusion. This was amazing!

Journal (December 29, 1993): DO NOT DESPISE SMALL BEGINNINGS! – God

Journal (December 30, 1993): While in California, my sister-in-law had a dream. At first I thought the dream was for her, but the more I think about it I believe it was for me.

DREAM: She was in a two story rustic building. The two people in charge were having trouble with their business. She was given something to do that wasn't in her talents as a delivery person so she brought it back to them. It was not worthwhile for her to do it. They needed her help somewhere else. Something was very wrong.

She went up a wooden stair case. An evil presence increased the further up she went and the stair case got narrower as she went up, like a pyramid. The business was a place of entertainment. Serpents came out of the walls. She set the flat of her hand against the wall with the Blood and the authority. She went up the steps saying, "God, I don't think I can do this." When she got to the top a greater evil presence was waiting but as she put her hand out the windows all opened up and light streamed in.

She then found herself standing on the edge of the tower. She was to step off but was afraid of heights. When she finally stepped off she flew all around the room gracefully. She flew around many people in this big room. Some noticed and others did not. She then came to rest on the floor. But as she looked up there was a man on the roof of the tower. She went up to get him and bring him down but he seemed too heavy. She did however lift him and as she brought him down he lusted all over her. When she got him to the ground she put her hand out to his forehead and he was thrown backward against the wall.

### January 1994 -- Change

Again, I met with Miriam. She was going to give me opportunity to state my case, but I no longer cared whether I was misunderstood or not. I was willing to let her believe whatever she wanted to believe. Somehow it no longer mattered to me if anyone knew the truth. Besides, the damage was too extensive to reverse it.

Though she insisted that I express my opinions about other things, she did not believe a word of it.

Again, she asked if I believed that the "word from the Lord" that she gave me was from God. Because I was weary of the battle I fudged (giving her an out), and later repented of it before the Lord), telling her that perhaps she had given the "word" in wrong timing, since she had stated at the time she gave it that it may not be the right time to give it. She again became angry that I would not accept this "word from God" as coming from God.

A word from God is given by a messenger, one who has no stake in the message. He/she is like a mail man. If the mail man gives me a letter that turns out to say something I do not want to hear, the mail man need not get upset. Nor should I get upset with the mail man for delivering it.

Weeping, I said, "I would give anything but God's will for my life in order to be friends again". She warned me that my relationships with other women should be kept in caution (because of this lesbian spirit). I'm sure that she was lovingly concerned about me, but I went away feeling the loss of what used to be a beautiful friendship.

The enemy perverts and aborts relationships. This relationship was hit with twisted thoughts and total loss of friendship. Miriam had believed lies from the enemy about me, words she thought came from God, and lost one of the most precious and genuine friendships she probably ever had. Because of her inability to think that anyone would love her just because of just her, not because she was a pastor's wife or because the other person was a lesbian or because the other had a position to attain. THE DEVIL HAD WON!

At the end of January, Chuck and I went to a healing conference in Anaheim, California. On the way there I kept praying that the Lord would do two things; one, release me from the bondage of the words of this trial that was making me feel as though I could not go back to my church any longer because I was too weary to go one more day. Secondly, fill me back up with in awareness that I am on track with God. I was now doubting that God was in all of the wonderful things He did as I prayed downtown in Boulder.

Chuck and I stopped in Lost Wages, Nevada. While we sat at the one armed bandits something really weird happened. A change lady (God had asked us if we would accept change) came up to me rapidly, right in my face (she was very short) and rapidly said something that went like this, "An old lady came up to me and demanded to get her change. Well, there were four people in front of her so I told her so, but she still wanted her change. So I said to her,' If God was to come today, where would you get in line?' The old lady said, 'Well, I would get in the front'."

The change lady disappeared just as rapidly as she had appeared! I looked at Chuck and said, "Was that a Divine Appointment?"

Later, the change lady popped around the corner and said, "Do you want change?" I was puzzled. I was just sitting there watching Chuck. I told her "no". She said that I had my elbow on the change button so that the light was flashing. God is funny!

Chuck and I got to Anaheim. Mahesh Chavda spoke. Afterward, he was to pray over every person. There were about a thousand people. I was hanging back because I wanted the wheel chair people and the people with greater needs to go first, but I kept hearing, "If God were to come today, where would you get in line?" Finally God shouted, I AM HERE !, So I moved right up to the front.

Mahesh had just spoken on not despising small beginnings. He gave an example of the bamboo tree that gets watered and fertilized and protected for four years without any apparent growth, except for a very tiny bush. Then in the fifth year it grows ninety feet in five weeks! He said that the anointing was like the bamboo tree. We were to water it and protect it from getting poisoned. Then in time it would shoot up with tremendous growth in a very short time.

When Mahesh got to me to pray for me he just looked at me waiting for me to tell him what to pray for. Normally I have seen him just go down the line and not ask. With so many to pray for that is the only way to get out of the building. But there he was waiting for me to say something. And all I could think of saying was, "I do the works of Jesus, but I am a little bush that keeps getting poisoned."

Mahesh looked at my feet. I looked at my feet wondering what he was seeing. He then said that the anointing was coming up my feet. He put his hand near my stomach and said, THAT'S A GENUINE MINISTRY!" I fell backward. When I was able to get up I was wobbly like I was drunk, for over an hour.

The last night of the healing conference (which was also the first night of a three day pastors conference that overlapped the healing conference), John Wimber got up and said that he wanted to pray for the pastors so he asked the pastors to stand up. Chuck and I stood up because we were considered pastors of a small group. As we stood there with our hands up raised and our eyes closed, a man came over, placed his hands on our heads and prayed out loud for us. The man removed the curses that the enemy had placed on us and that our pastor had placed on us. Then he blessed our ministry. When we opened our eyes we found that it was Pastor! He wasn't even there as far as we knew (though it was the first day of the pastors conference for the week end)!

As we left the conference, I was free of the pain that I had experienced in the trial I had gone through. The trial was over!

### THE PRODIGALS RETURN

There is a new breed of prophet, one who is already in the making. These prophets are made up of prodigals that have returned to the heart of the Father. This is not to the exclusion of other prophetic peoples. This is a breed, however, that knows what it is to be forgiven and in their forgiven state they love much, for those who are forgiven much indeed love much.

This remnant of prodigals is a prophetic voice to those who have gone before them, a voice of repentance to those who do not have anything to repent of. The words spoken by these prophets are spoken from hearts that have been forgiven much, hearts that weep with their own brokenness and a grieving in the Spirit as they deliver the messages of repentance. Theirs is a heart that longs to see great men of God humbled, not out of selfish ambition, self-righteousness, and jealousy, but because they have come to see that the Power of God is about to work only through the humble and the contrite.

Within this new breed of prophets there is no judgment because they have come from similar places. They are so relieved to have been forgiven and invited to sit at supper with the Father that they walk with pure hearts that desire never again to disappoint Him. "There is nothing they would not do for their Father. Nothing is too difficult, too humbling, too painful to be sacrificed for One who has received them back from where they have been. Fresh within their memories are the long nights of tears, the years of dry desert experiences, and the echoes of their voices crying out in an endless vacuum to a God who seems not to listen.

These prophets have it written upon their hearts that there is no longer room for rebellion. The word "No" will not stand on their lips before their God in reply to His commands. They know that where they came from, that Valley of Deception, that Desert of Self, that Land of Apathy, may never bring streams in the desert for those who are again caught up in its wastelands, for the time is short. They give themselves wholly to their God. Their hearts cry out "More of You, Lord!" because they have a healthy fear of where they have been and an overwhelming adoration for the Presence of their God for which they have long waited to taste again. They no longer ride on middle ground. The fear of man no longer taunts them because they know all too well that that is the doorway that took them into the desert from which they have just returned.

Why is God calling these prophets, these prodigals, to become voices primarily to the leaders around them and to those wearing great mantles of the Anointing of Holiness who have gone before them? Because those who have declared bankruptcy and paid back their debt can be trusted with a far greater weight of glory than those who have never declared bankruptcy. These prodigals do not just repent of their shortcomings but are willing to be humbled over and over again, publicly if necessary, for the sake of the kingdom and their God. Nothing is too much for their Father to ask. Obedience is seared into their innermost beings. They neither run ahead nor behind the move of the Spirit of God. These are they who will lay down their lives, and in many cases may become our future martyrs in the faith. Simply put, they can be trusted to do great exploits for God without taking the glory that belongs to Him!

A consuming fire is upon God's people, separating wheat from tares, burning away wood, hay and stubble. That fire has come in several forms. There are those who have walked in great anointings for ten to twenty years and done many wonderful works in His name, who are being called to give over to God the anointing that they so richly walked in, or openly repent of character that is not worthy of that anointing. They are asked to bring it to the altar, just as Abraham brought Isaac, and become spiritually naked before God and men. They are asked to give up this anointing that God had given them, or openly repent of sin, because God is testing and refining them.

God is testing the willingness of great men to be humbled before men as well as their God. In this testing of their release of the anointing God is finding some who readily say "Yes" to Him because they truly know their God and walk with Him in intimacy and obedience. There are those, however, who see no need to return the anointing that was given to them. They have walked in it so long now that it is a symbol of God's recognition of them. Their anointing has become a measure of their acceptance by God, of their stature over others who are lower than them, and a means of great gain. Without the anointing they would be mere men and women like the rest of God's people. Their congregations would no longer listen to them nor cater to them as favored people. And without the anointing they would be seen as they really are, spiritually undernourished and proud.

What those who have had great anointings in the past do not know is that their unwillingness to give up their anointing will be their demise. Those who say "No" to the Father will not usher in the end time church. He will replace them by bringing from out of the highways and byways those prodigals who have returned to surrender everything without reservation. He will give the end time church to those He can trust to love His sheep with open arms, those who are not afraid to get dirty in the process of loving other prodigals who return, those who will remove their mantles to clothe those who are naked, those who will never regard their place at table with the Father as an opportunity to lord over others.

Those who do not turn in their anointing to be exposed before men and their God, will find that without any awareness on their part, the anointing will have faded away leaving only their nakedness and pride to be seen by men. They will become like the king who had no clothing.

Another way those who have seen great anointing in the past will find themselves devastated is by their refusal to openly repent before men, as well as before God. God is asking these leaders to humble themselves and bring their lives into line with the holiness of the anointings they have been given in the past. Those who are willing to openly expose themselves to the scrutiny of both God and men, and who will relinquish their anointing upon request of the Lord, will be given an anointing not equaled by anything they have seen in the past. But those who refuse to be exposed openly and be rid of their pride will be given over to blinding spirits who will carry them farther into their sins until they, just as others we have seen in the limelight, fall headlong into the darkness.

This consuming fire that has come upon us causes most to run from the pain of that testing. What those who run do not recognize is that they are running from the pain because there is indeed wood, hay, and stubble in their lives. If there were nothing to burn they would not be so overwhelmed by the fire that has come upon them. Those who run from the testing of this age will not be refined and thus not be made ready for the Master's use. Those who recognize the importance of being refined and trust their God to do a perfect work will run toward the fire to have all the wood, hay, and stubble removed, leaving only gold and silver for the Master's use.

Some of God's people have come to a place with God where they plead with Him to expose their sin and their hindrances to His holiness because they have recognized, perhaps not totally, that God is about to do a marvelous work in our day that we would not believe even if He were to tell us. Only those who are willing to let Him touch their innermost beings to wash them white as snow will be allowed to come into contact with those who are the end time church.

What are the tests? They are varied, tailor made for each man or woman God is dealing with at the time. Of what I have seen, the tests are opportunities to choose between the fear of man or the fear of the Lord, opportunities to expose in our hearts whether or not we have the heart of the Father, and occasions to choose wisely the new directions God is leading us in by testing our hearing. His sheep hear His voice. His friends are those who do all His will. The times we are coming upon require that we are listeners of the voice of God and friends of God who will never say "No" to His daily whisper.

One of the tests that I encountered, happened after praying for over a year for a leader whom God wanted to see released into greater anointing, but only after she removed pride from her life. In that long period of interceding for this woman, God gave me His heart for her and showed me how much His heart longed for her restoration into greater anointing. But as weariness began to set in over months of intense praying, the Lord said to me one day, "I am giving you her anointing". I was so overwhelmed with His gift of this anointing because this woman had such a powerful presence of God that had worked through her in the past. But after about sixty seconds my heart broke with sobbing as I came to the realization of what that meant in regard to her. I knew that if I received her anointing that God was done fighting the battle of bringing her into a better place. He was ready to throw in the towel and let her become fully absorbed into that blinding spirit of deception.

"No!", I cried out to God in anger, "I will not receive her anointing!". Then I reminded Him of His love toward her and all the precious things He, Himself, had shared with me of how much He loved her. His response was incredible. It tore my heart and impacted my mind.

"WELL DONE, GOOD AND FAITHFUL SERVANT!" was His reply to my anguish. As He spoke those words I saw instantly and for the first time that He was testing me. Yes, I would have received her anointing had I accepted it, but it was not the anointing that would be used in the times we are approaching. It was an old anointing that was rapidly fading away and being discarded.

What was the test? He wanted to see if I had the heart of the Father. He wanted to see if I could be entrusted with an anointing of my own. He wanted to see if I was filled with selfish ambition and personal promotion at the cost of others. He wanted to see if I would stand (just as Moses stood in God's face to remind Him of His love for Israel), up for her, in order to remind Him of His love for this woman.

The only way we will stand firm in the times we are already upon is to know the heart of the Father and to endeavor to never break His heart. The only way we will know His heart is to walk in the fear of the Lord, because the secrets of the Lord are to those who fear Him. He confides in those who fear Him, those who prefer to see a smile on His face rather than their own or on the face of another.

Those who truly fear the Lord and have His heart run toward the Refiner's Fire, to become overwhelmed and overcome by the Splendor of His Holiness. Everything falls on its face in the presence of His Holiness! In His Presence every knee bows and every tongue cries out "He is Holy!" And Holiness brings about the purity with which we are able to see God.

Beware of the prodigals! Listen to the voices of those crying out from the wilderness, "Prepare ye the way of the Lord!". If you regard the voice of the prodigal lightly or with the eyes of a rebellious older brother, you may not find yourself sitting at table feasting with your brother and the Father who ran to him to place that mantle upon his shoulders, His sandals on his feet, and that ring of authority upon his finger.

How will we know the prodigal when he comes? We will know that we have encountered him when we chance upon a naive babe in the spirit who has been called to intercede for us day and night, who loves us with the heart of the Father, one who is sensitive and tenderhearted, yet one who will turn down the respect of men to walk in the favor of God at any cost. Embrace him and listen carefully because he is the one. Humble ourselves before him. The battles he will fight for us in the spiritual realm will be worthy of both our bended knee and our bended ear. Do not despise their small beginnings!

"Then He said to His servants, the wedding banquet is ready, but those I invited did not deserve to come. Go to the street corners and invite to the banquet anyone you find. So the servants went out into the streets and gathered all the people they could find, BOTH GOOD AND BAD, and the wedding hall was filled with guests."

(Matt. 22:8-10)

As we left the healing conference, I was free of the emotional pain that I had experienced in the trial I had gone through. God confirmed that the ministry of going to the street corners of Boulder to invite BOTH THE GOOD AND THE BAD to the banquet was truly "a genuine ministry" and I looked forward to walking freely with God again. The trial was over!

# THE FINAL CHAPTER

This book was written in March of 1994, shortly after returning from this healing conference. Much has happened in the past twenty years. Here are just a few of them.

### Thrown Out

I continued to go to that church but every Sunday, while sitting in the front row as I always had, I was unable to stop crying. The demonic attacks grew worse with several days of relief between them before indescribable waves of mental anguish would begin even before I was fully awake in the morning.

Soon, I found out that Pastor had accused Chuck and I of attending the pastors conference while pretending to be pastors. The associate pastor confronted us and did not want an explanation.

Later in August of 1994, Chuck's sister came to visit us in Colorado, at which time she gave me a tee shirt with a picture of Jesus on it with His crown of thorns on His head. I wore it to church that morning.

That Sunday Pastor told the congregation about a dream he had where in the dream a man stood on a wall that surrounded a pool of water that was coming down from above. People were playing in the pool but not inviting other people outside the pool to join them. Then one person, with Jesus standing next to him/her, stepped out of the pool to share, but the man on the wall rebuked the person. Then the man on the wall threw the person and Jesus out, while pointing at Jesus. Pastor then accused the congregation of being against what God was doing in that church. He scolded them for some time for enjoying the pool and not reaching out to Boulder to bring them in.

While Pastor was telling us about this dream the Holy Spirit told me to tell Pastor that he was the man on the wall. I told the Holy Spirit I would, but that Pastor was not going to be happy about this, so would He give me confirmation.

The service ended and a woman from our home group came up to me sobbing and told me that God had told her to tell Pastor that he was the man on the wall. I knew this was confirmation. Lynn was new in the Spirit and had never gotten a word for anyone before, so I went with her to the platform where Pastor stood above us. He stooped down to ask why Lynn was sobbing. She told him that God had told her to tell him that he was the man on the wall.

Pastor backed up quickly to stand, pointing at Lynn, while shouting, "That's of the devil!" I quietly told Pastor, "It is true". Pastor then pointed at me (and the tee shirt with Jesus on it) and shouted angrily, "Get out and never come back!"

NOTE: This was Pastor's dream.

Both Lynn and I said nothing but tried to turn around to leave. Neither of us was able to move our feet for some time. It looked like we were being defiant, but God nailed our feet to the floor to show Pastor that he could not cast us out as though we were demonic. Pastor called an elder over to escort us out of the church. We were escorted to the lobby where I recalled the vision where I was on a cross and only my feet were nailed to it so that I couldn't move.

While in the lobby, Pastor's wife, Miriam, angrily approached me to tell me that it was none of my business to speak into his life and that Pastor had a circle of people around him to correct him. Then words came out of my mouth that surprised me. "Let it be done just as you have said." And then it was repeated, "Let it be done just as you have said".

Note: A word from God in the Scriptures is repeated in order to indicate that that event is not a conditional one. It will happen regardless of the person's response.

Chuck and I did not go back to the church, just as Pastor had requested. And, we have not been a part of any church ever since then. The associate pastor went to our home group and explained that I was a lesbian and not in submission to the church and consequently we were removed from the home group. The elders of the church had voted on this.

I was constantly approached out on the street downtown or in the mall by angry people from the church telling me how wrong I was. I did not defend myself nor did I say anything against the church or Pastor or anyone. God had told me not to defend myself nor retaliate. I obeyed, even when I ran into the associate pastor at Whole Foods where he got his smoothies. The associate pastor never said anything to me except to ask me every time, "Are you still living in a trailer?" I would always say, "Yes", without saying another word. He would always respond by saying, "Well, you can't be right with God if you are living in a trailer".

What he didn't know was that Chuck and I had bought a used trailer to live in on P.J.s property in the Rockies in order to support her through a nasty divorce that came about when her husband got caught for stealing drugs at the pharmacy where he worked and then ran away with another woman. We parked the trailer in the most beautiful place in the Rockies, right across the street from the south east entrance to the park where it was quiet and not crowded. The river ran by the cabin, the view was stunning, we lived in a piece of heaven while we helped P.J. keep the cabin at a time when she could not pay the mortgage because her husband wasn't with her any longer to help bring in money for the bills.

Later, I was told that Pastor had spread the word that I had split his church and that that was why people were leaving in droves.

I heard God saying to me, "CELEBRATE". I found it impossible to celebrate. We had been thrown out of the church and our pictures were distributed throughout Colorado churches and the denomination, warning churches not to associate with us. I was confronted on the street by church members and was not allowed to defend myself. I was praying the streets of Boulder just as God had called me to do when I wanted so much to just hide.

One woman from our home group had lunch with me one day however, and she leaned over the table and said, "God says to celebrate". Indeed I was hearing Him correctly! Still, I sat in my car one day while Chuck was at work and began to write a letter to the head of the denomination to tell him what was happening. I was so disturbed by what had been done, not only to myself but to over a hundred couples in the church. So I wrote a letter to the head of the denomination.

I then went back over the letter with a red ink pen in my hand to mark things I wanted to change. For some unknown reason the red ink pen leaked all over my hand and covered most of it with red ink. As I looked at so much red ink God said, "YOU WILL HAVE BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS" ". So, I destroyed the letter.

I began to celebrate and the Holy Spirit took me to Psa 73 where David says, "When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me till I entered the sanctuary of God [His Presence]; then I understood their final destiny". I saw clearly where they were headed while seeing clearly how the Holy Spirit wept over losing them to the tricks of the devil. The Father's Heart was broken by this loss. He wanted them back. He told me that the prayer of the victim carries more weight than that of anyone else. So I prayed the Father's Heart. I prayed every blessing upon them and came against the devil's plans for them.

In November I attended a Benny Hinn conference in L.A. While there, Benny stood on the stage and mid-sentence paused, said that blasphemy against the Holy Spirit was when a man sees a move of the Holy Spirit and says (then he pointed out from the stage as he shouted), "That's of the devil!" He continued the rest of his teaching that had nothing to do with blasphemy. Benny's posture, tone of voice, gesture and words acted out Pastor's posture, tone of voice, gesture and words. It was plain that God was saying that Pastor had blasphemed the Holy Spirit of which the Word of God is clear. There is no forgiveness for blaspheming the Holy Spirit, "not in this life, nor in the next!"

Before a year was out the leader of the denomination started a church near Boulder with his son as one of the pastors, for the soul purpose of ministering to the wounded from that church, one of Pastor's inner circle staff reported Pastor to his superior, the superior required Pastor to go to anger management, Pastor refused counsel, changed the name of the church (no longer in the affiliation), turned the church over to his associate pastor and went on the road as a prophetic teacher.

### Cancer

In 1997, my brother asked me to go to the medical clinic where his wife worked as an RN in order to find out why I had lost fifty-five pounds in about five months. Chuck and I didn't have insurance so I had not pursued it myself.

The doctor that Gay worked with looked me over, sent me in for a cat scan, and then cried as she told me that I had the biggest tumor she had ever seen. She sent me upstairs where the head of the medical facility checked me out, arranged for me to go to St. Joseph Hospital in Denver where Chuck and I would meet with Dr. Helen Fredrickson, oncologist.

I was weeks from dying. I was ecstatic! I was going to be with Jesus! I was going to be in the Presence of the Holy Spirit uninterrupted forever! All I wanted for seven years was to be closer to my Heavenly Father and now I was being given an opportunity to go be with Him! I was not in denial. I simply understood the tremendous gift I had been given.

Dr. Fredrickson said that she was scheduling me for surgery in five days and that she would trust us for the finances since we did not have insurance. God bless Dr. Fredrickson!

By the time I got to surgery I weighed eighty-five pounds and was very weak. I hadn't had any pain until the doctors started poking at the tumor back at the medical clinic. Now I could barely endure the pain.

The surgery was extensive, with a hysterectomy and the removal of one fourth of my intestines, along with seven pints of blood added to keep me alive. My RN sister-in-law said that any other surgeon would have sewn me back up without trying to do anything for me because I was such a mess.

When I came out of surgery I was disappointed though, that I was not in God's Presence. But physically I felt better than any time in my life.

I went through chemo for six months while Chuck was also out of work. He had been laid off for about a year by then. How would God pay the bill?

The hospital and separate surgeon bills had been arranged for us to pay fifty dollars a month to each on the nearly sixty thousand dollars we owed. We eventually sold our small cabin in the Rockies where we lived and I sent ten thousand dollars total to the hospital and the surgeon. I expected to pay on the bill for the rest of my life. I hadn't asked them to reconsider the bill at all but with great surprise I received two letters, one from the surgeon and one from the hospital, within the week, which stated that our bill had been taken care of and that we no longer owed them anything! How did God do that?

We moved in with Chuck's sister in Walla Walla, Washington until we could get back on our feet as she carried a loan for us to buy a house.

### Five Mental Institutions Later

While still in Colorado, a friend from our home group in Colorado called from Bogotá, Columbia. She was in great distress. She had gone to Columbia to work with missionaries there when a woman brought her a red blouse saying that if she wore the blouse she would have more Anointing from God. P.J. put the blouse on and almost immediately became mentally ill. She called me almost every hour, sometimes leaving as many as thirty messages on the answering machine. She called at all hours of the night while in terrifying distress and full of intense fear. Her strange behavior caused the police to pick her up while she wandered the streets of Bogotá all night. They placed her in a mental institution that was like a "snake pit" of all types of mental illness in one building. P.J. stood against a wall all night saying the Name of Jesus while other male mental patients watched and waited for her to let down her guard or fall asleep.

The next morning one of the women from the mission took P.J. out of the institution and allowed them to place her in an institution that was more benign. After long months of this mental illness and confinement in the institution her father and brother were able to get her back to America where she stayed for a few weeks with her father in Florida, until P.J. went to Colorado to stay with a friend.

The friend was unable to handle the strange behavior and had to take P.J. to a mental facility in a nearby city to be admitted. I received a phone call from P.J. while she was at the facility. It surprised me that they would let her use the phone because her most dominant habit by then was to call someone every fifteen minutes, even if they lived in Bogotá. So I asked her how she was able to call me and she said that they had put her in charge of the front desk. P.J. was a fun person and very honest, so why not?

P.J.s mom got her out of the institution and moved her to her house in Wisconsin. P.J.'s mother was on medication for mental illness as well, P.J. would go out of control so that her mother had to twice call paramedics to take her to a mental facility for a period of time. While in Wisconsin P.J. called me constantly crying out for help but there was nothing I could do for her. Besides, I was under worse attack by the enemy than P.J. was! On top of that P.J.s father had called me and told me off. The first words out of his mouth when I said hello to him was, "Who do you think you are?" Then he proceeded to tell me to get out of their lives. He told me that the doctors had P.J. taken care of and that I was making things worse.

A friend of P.J. in Wisconsin had told P.J. that she had a dream in which P.J. was on a sick bed for three and a half years (like Jonah in the whale) and God miraculously healed her.

In March of 2003, P.J. called again and God directed me to have her come to our house in Walla Walla, but we did not have enough money to get to the airport and back, so I asked P.J. to bring money for the return trip from Seattle to Walla Walla. I was not sure that P.J. even understood my request because she was not thinking clearly. But, Chuck and I headed to Seattle in a snow storm, arriving around midnight. P.J. looked terrible when she got off the airplane and she nearly had pneumonia.

We started back through the snow storm in the wee hours of the morning. Then we needed to get gas. Chuck and I had fifty cents in the bank and not a penny on us. I asked P.J. if she brought money for gas to get home. She said nothing but fumbled through her purse. We were getting very tired and cold and I was getting scared for all of us. Then a gas card appeared! But it was for a specific gas station and I didn't know if we could find one before we ran out of gas.

Thank God! We got gas and made it home! We didn't freeze!

At home P.J. paced the floor day and night for three months. I prayed with her again and again and nothing came of it. I fasted and nothing came of it. What was left of my sanity was stretched to the limit.

Then one day we had a BBQ in the back yard. We could hear the chickens next door clucking as we started to get things ready outside. I brought out a hot dish by holding it with a hot pad that my brother had given me, a blue one that was in the shape of a whale. Julie took one glance at the whale hot pad and started laughing. As she laughed hysterically she would have to take a breath now and then. When ever she stopped to breathe the chickens next door would laugh loudly, causing P.J. to laugh even harder. This continued for hours!

When the laughter subsided P.J. was healed (three and a half years after her ordeal began, just as the woman said about her dream from God for P.J.)! Note here that, like Jonah in the whale, it was the whale hot pad that started the healing. What a fun healing! God is fun!

Shortly after P.J. s healing God healed her mother of her mental illness. P.J.s mom's mental health doctor said that she didn't need any more medications since she was happier than her doctor! Today P.J. is married to an awesome and godly guy, with many extraordinary miracle stories of their own, and have a wonderful seven year old boy. It has been ten years now and she is still healed! Praise God!

God removed the attacks on my mind once and for all! A curse had been placed on me somewhere along the way. But now the devil has been silenced. That victory brings about the completion of this book and the fulfillment of seeing God bring into His banquet those He longs to embrace, BOTH GOOD AND BAD. The heart of our Heavenly Father is filled with joy.

### Come Holy Spirit

Dearest Prodigal,

I cover you in the Blood of the Lamb. In the Name of Jesus, I bind and silence all of the influences of the enemy. I remove all of the lies, harsh words, and curses spoken over you. I set your spirit, mind, body, soul, every part of your being free. I forgive you of all that you have done. In the Name of Jesus, I remove all sickness and disease, all guilt and shame, all regrets, all nightmares, all depression, all mental illness, all cancer, all discouragement and defeat. In the Name of Jesus, I cast out every lying spirit, every religious spirit, every spirit of unforgiveness and hate and anger. In the Name of Jesus, I speak healing to your soul. In the Name of Jesus, I tell the devil that he cannot have you!

I welcome you into the embrace of your Heavenly Father.

God Bless you – A Prodigal Returned

"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom."

(II Cor. 3:17)

# Dedication

To my husband, lover, and companion -- for his consistent prayers through intense and irrational times, his willingness to allow me to quit work to sit at Jesus' feet, his ability to see clearly and point the way when everything appeared to be out of order, for his willingness to go with me into difficult circumstances, his support when there were few who believed in me, for clinging to God while having to stand in places where others reaped the rewards while he so patiently waited for what God had for him, and for his undying love for God. Such a man, who never complained, because he saw where God was leading ... Chuck Dryg.

Thank you, Marian Hitzman! You were the only spiritual leader to welcome this prodigal home. Thank you for your teaching, that was so critical to what God wanted to do in my life, on hearing the voice of God and yielding to the Holy Spirit! Thank you for your mercy and compassion and forgiveness! You were the only spiritual leader who actually practiced what you taught!

Thank you Dr. Helen Fredrickson, Oncologist, and St. Joseph Hospital of Denver! Thank you for a phenomenal surgery that you decided to do even though any other surgeon would have just closed me back up because of the magnitude of the challenge! There are not adequate words to thank you both for your financial mercy!

Thank you Bob and Cristy Facey for the fire wood and for being living expressions of Jesus to everyone!

Thank you Val Norton and Carol Rose for giving us a car when we needed one! We love you guys!

Thank you Dr. Glenn Nicholas DC, of Lewiston, Idaho for following God's leading to get Chuck and I out of our lazy boys and into living healthy and exciting lives through nutrition and spinal adjustments that have turned the clock back so that we feel like we are in our twenties. You have gotten Chucky to where he enjoys getting up each day happy to dig into the remodel (even looking forward to doing another) at the age of seventy-two. You have gotten me to my dream of running a marathon, at age sixty-six! And thank you Doc and Laurel Nicholas, RN, for being kind to us! The healing to my soul cannot be measured.
