While we know
that the autocrat billionaire
brothers from another mother
badly wanted to improve
U.S.-Russia relations,
it seems like it's not going
quite that way.
The Senate has approved tough
new sanctions for Russia
and now the bill heads to
President Trump's desk.
 The bill was passed by an
 overwhelming 98-2 vote.
 It gives Congress the power
 to block the president
 from easing sanctions
 against Moscow.
Yeah. Not only did they put
sanctions on Russia,
they've effectively put
sanctions on Donald Trump.
That's what they've done.
Yeah. That's-that's a,
that's a strange thing,
when you think about it.
Because...
it's almost like Congress
is these parents going like,
"We don't want you playing with
that boy anymore."
I cannot wait to see him
sign that,
'cause he loves them.
He's gonna be like,
(mimics Trump): "And this one,
folks, is gonna be...
"here, uh, me protecting America
from myself.
"There you go, there you go.
There you go, ladies and
gentlemen, there you go."
(normal voice): And, by the way,
it wasn't even close.
Not only did the sanctions pass
the Senate by 98 to two,
in the House the vote was
419 to three.
Yeah. That is insane.
Everyone in Congress
went up against Russia
like it was Ted Cruz.
Like-- Do you want to know,
you want to know
how much they hate Russia,
just for yourself,
imagine how you'd feel
if Jar Jar Binks starred in
 Godfather III.
That's how much they hate it.
It's like the hatred
of everything.
(mimics Jar Jar Binks):
"Meesa thought I was out,
but theysa pulling me
back in."
(normal voice): Actually, I want
to watch that movie now.
So, uh, Congress hit Russia
with more sanctions.
And, uh, if you know anything
about Russians,
when you hit them,
they always hit back.
Russia is ramping up
its retaliation
against the U.S.
over new sanctions.
Russian President Vladimir Putin
told the U.S. yesterday
 to slash its staff in Russia
 by 755 people.
The U.S. will also lose access
to a storage facility
and its beautiful country house
and leafy property
on the outskirts of Moscow.
What?
Wait, so Russia retaliated
against the new sanctions
by taking America's
country house?
Man, it really...
really does feel
like Trump and Putin
are getting divorced.
(imitating Putin):
"Okay, Donald,
I'm taking the country house."
(imitating Trump):
"Not the country house.
"No! No!
We just renovated the bathroom."
(imitating Putin):
"I know, and I'm sure
Syria will enjoy
the heated toilet seat."
(imitating Trump):
"You bastard!
I picked it out myself."
And they're not just taking
the country house.
Russia is also raising
an army-sized middle finger
to the west.
 The New York Times reporting
Moscow will soon begin
conducting massive
military drills
near several NATO members,
drills that could include
as many as 100,000
Russian soldiers.
The drills believed to be a show
of force and intimidation.
Now, I know
it's really serious--
you know, the military drills
that take place.
But, when you think about it,
military drills are just like
geopolitical versions
of gangs driving
by their rival gang's turf.
That's all it is.
You just go to the border,
and then you give each other
dirty looks.
You're just, like,
sitting there in the car.
"Yeah. Yeah. What?"
'Cause that's all I can picture
when they go like,
"The Russians are at the border
intimidating the other side."
I'm just picturing Russians
driving around in their Impalas.
You know? Just look...
And you know an important part
of the drive-by is the music.
You know, so Russia's
playing their music full blast
as they're driving by.
(humming Russian anthem)
That's not hydraulics.
The cars are just really (bleep)
in Russia.
And, you know, like,
right now, I don't...
Like... I don't know
if the U.S. can afford
to get into another Cold War
because the scary news
is there may be a hot one
that is starting
right around the corner.
North Korea
is making far greater progress
on its missile program
than officials ever imagined.
Their second test
of an intercontinental
ballistic missile
in the past month,
traveling farther
than any missile
they have ever launched.
The North Korean ICBM
blasted 2,300 miles
straight into space,
but experts fear
that North Korea
could angle the missile
to potentially travel
as far as Washington, D.C.
or New York.
And flight to Africa booked.
(laughter)
I don't know about you,
but this (bleep)
is starting to scare me.
They have a missile
that can hit New York?
Like, if it can make it here,
it can make it anywhere.
(laughter and applause)
I will say, though...
I will say, though,
the joke's on Kim Jong-un
because if he tries
to send a missile to New York,
we'll all have time to evacuate
because the missile
will get stuck in traffic
in the Lincoln Tunnel.
It's just gonna be there
trying to get through.
The E-ZPass won't be working.
I can picture
the tollbooth lady.
"Now, listen, mister.
Mister, I don't care
"what you say,
what you were saying.
"If you don't got your money,
you got to back up. Okay?
"No, you got to back up, baby.
I don't...
"Yeah, everybody threatens
to blow up on me.
"You need to go back,
get your E-ZPass working
and move on, okay?
Bye-bye, now. Bye-bye."
First question:
how did North Korea
get a nuclear missile?
They don't have sandwiches.
Like, what country
develops an ICBM
before they get a BLT?
And-and as much as we joke,
North Korea having the ability
to launch a nuclear weapon is...
it's serious.
It is a serious thing.
In fact, before President Obama
went kitesurfing,
he warned Trump that North Korea
would be the biggest threat
to the United States.
And, obviously,
that was before he knew
about Scaramucci and stuff,
but still.
But still, he warned him.
So, now, as much as I hate
to admit it,
it's all in the hands
of Donald Trump.
Like, I just... I hope
that he has
a well-thought-out plan.
We'll handle North Korea.
We're gonna be able
to handle them.
They will be...
It will be handled.
We handle everything.
Thank you very much.
And flight back to Africa
booked.
