 - I'm getting married
 which is cool.
  (audience cheers)
Yeah, I'm really excited
to be getting married
  because I'm really
  bad at dating.
 Did you know that if
 you just lie to people
  they'll like you?
  (audience laughs)
 Everyone's like,
 "Dating's so hard".
 Just lie completely
 about your personality
and everyone will fall in love.
  (audience laughs)
  I lied constantly
  when I was dating.
 One time a guy who was
 super hot was talking to me
 and he was like, "Do
 you wanna go surfing?"
 And I was like, "Oh my God,
 I love surfing. (laughs)
 "I would love to go."
Does it look like I've ever
gone surfing in my fucking life?
  (audience laughs)
Look at these fucking naturals,
  you know what I'm saying?
  (audience laughs)
 But he's like, "Great,
 "I'll pick you up
 tomorrow, we'll go".
 I was like, "Perfect".
 I put on a gorgeous
 bathing suit,
 wake up so excited.
 I put on my best bathing suit.
 The kinda bathing suit
 that's not supposed
to be touched by water.
You know, it's
designer, it's gorgeous.
 The second it touches water
 it literally disintegrates.
  (audience laughs)
  So he pulls up in
  front of my house
 in a truck. (laughs)
Have you guys ever seen
one of these before?
  (audience laughs)
  Have you?
Immediately cumming in my pants.
 What?
 Sit in this thing, boppin' all
 around, loving every second.
His boards stacked in the back.
 He's like, "What
 do you wanna ride?"
 And I was like, "I
 don't know. (laughs)
  "One that's long and hard,
 "that I can ride for hours."
He was like, "Yeah, I got that".
I'm like, "Great,
you're a fucking idiot".
  (audience laughs)
 So we get in his car,
 we go to the beach.
 I like, hop out, you
 know, I'm delicate.
And I sort of look at the ocean
and I'm just like,
"(inhales sharply) Yeah,
  "I don't think we
  can go out today".
  (audience laughs)
 And he's like, "Why?"
  And I was like, "(inhales
  sharply) The conditions".
  (audience laughs)
 "I can't really rip
 with those waves."
 And in that moment,
 I thanked God
 that I studied "Blue
 Crush" as a child.
  (audience laughs)
 He looked at me, he's like,
  "You know, you're
  absolutely right.
 "We don't have to go surfing."
So we go to the beach,
my plan is now working.
 I will derobe, look
 insanely fucking hot,
 we'll be at the beach
 45 minutes, leave,
 and smash. (laughs)
  (audience laughs)
 But he gets down to the beach
and does that annoying boy thing
 where he rips his
 shirt off like that.
  You know how guys do that?
 And it's like, why?
  Why do you need to do this
  to take your shirt off?
Tosses it and just runs
into the fucking ocean.
  Like a dog chasing a ball.
  (audience laughs)
 Doesn't even consider that
 he is just entering an abyss.
  You know what I'm saying?
 It's space downstairs.
  (audience laughs)
 So then I'm left on the shore.
  And I'm just like, "Okay,
  I'll set the things here".
 Set them down, derobe,
 standing there.
 He's like, "Come in!
  "Come in!
"It's awesome!"
 And I'm like, looking
 like his stepmom.
  I'm like, "Uh-huh!
  "Sure thing, sweetie, yes!
 "I'll be there in a second!"
 So finally I'm like, fuck it,
 I have to go in, you know?
 So I slowly make my
 entrance, like a Bond girl.
  (audience laughs)
 Looking out.
  He doesn't see me.
  (audience laughs)
 I get in the water.
 Walking toward him.
 And then that
 annoying thing happens
 where the sand just falls off.
 And then without your consent,
 you're fully submerged
 in the fucking ocean.
  (audience laughs)
  So now I'm forced
to tread
to him.
 And I'm not one of those women
 that looks hot when I get wet.
 I become Christopher Walken.
  (audience laughs)
So I'm treading, wet,
neck strained, (gasps).
Fully Christopher
Walken approaching him.
  (audience laughs)
  And right when I get close
  enough to, what I think,
will be his big fucking
hands grabbing my ass
 and then we can just
 get on with the day.
  (audience laughs)
A wave comes and
crashes upon me.
Now we're in the Pacific, okay?
We're at a California
Beach, we're in Laguna.
 This wave is tossing
 my ass to shore
 like I'm a fucking taquito.
  (audience laughs)
 Rolls me up, I'm
 like a sandy churro,
just like, on the fucking side.
  I stand up, I'm literally
  just like, (gasps).
 Snot from my nose
 touching the ground.
  I'm reborn, seeing fucking
  God for the first time.
 I look down, my
 labia sliced in half
 by my fucking Missoni
 knit bathing suit.
  Look down, terror.
 Slowly stand up,
 I'm like, (gasping).
 My tit sliced in
 half, nipple not hard,
 looking like a
 slice of pepperoni.
  (audience laughs)
  And his ass just jogs out.
And he's like, "(laughs)
That looks pretty bad.
"Hey, by the way, did you notice
 "the water sparkles? (laughs)"
  (audience laughs)
Great, good time, Kevin,
thank you so much.
 No, it's good that I'm
 not dating anymore,
 but I love being a wing-woman
 because I love sports bars.
 Have you guys ever
 gone to these places?
 Oh my God, rock on,
 they're amazing.
TVs, baskets of food everywhere.
  (audience laughs)
  I love it.
 Someone scores, and I'm that
 friend that's just like.
♪ Yeah ♪
 And everyone's like,
 "This fucking bitch".
 I'm like, "Let's fucking go!"
  (audience laughs)
 Everyone's on my side.
 But I love them because I love
watching men eat chicken wings.
 Have you ever watched this?
Eyes locked on a screen,
a steaming, piping hot
  basket of food gets placed
  right in front of them.
 And without looking,
 without looking,
  they just dig and
  start to gobble.
  Now these things are
  piping fucking hot, okay?
 Raging hot.
  Just (chewing).
  (audience laughs)
  Rimming them, they
  rim that inside.
You know what I'm talking about?
 That inside bone, they just
 clean with the tip of
 their tongue, hard.
  (audience laughs)
And it's like, why can't
you eat pussy like that?
  (audience laughs)
 What is wrong?
 But then I'm left
 there to watch them
clean up their fingers.
  So they finish the basket,
  they're sopping wet.
 Looks like they dipped their
 fingers in a Fenty palette.
  (audience laughs)
 Glistening.
 And then they proceed to
 lick and chew simultaneously
 the sauce off.
 And now I'm stuck staring at
 these vaguely orange fingers.
 And I'm forced to
 reflect on my life.
  (audience laughs)
  And I just have to
  think to myself,
  that's definitely given me
  a yeast infection before.
  (audience laughs)
Just the kiss of
Frank's Red Hot,
  it throws my flora
  right off, hun.
