 
Bridging the Gap

Conversations & Essays with

Who Was & Still Is

Channeled by Kimberly M. Quezada

Copyright © 2020 by Kimberly M. Quezada

License Notes

This eBook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. All rights reserved. This eBook or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in Canada

First printing, 2020

ISBN 9781775361671

Kimberly M. Quezada

Edmonton, Alberta

Canada

"A person who doesn't know what the universe is, doesn't know where they are. A person who doesn't know their purpose in life doesn't know who they are or what the universe is. A person who doesn't know any one of these things doesn't know why they are here. So what to make of people who seek or avoid the praise of those who have no knowledge of where or who they are?"

Marcus Aurelius

Introduction – Paul Walker

There's a push in the air...some would call it a push to connect to something that has always remained outside of themselves and if they can't connect to that as another person does...it has no value or it doesn't hold any weight and so this standard...that is completely made up, by the way, isn't met.

Value...in terms of a person...what does that even mean? How can you put a value that is weighed on something as pure as life?

From the first conversation that I had with Kim, there has been this push, from me, to produce a conceptual change to this idea that anything with any value or worth exists outside of you and that it has to be grasped or attained to. Look, through this whole thing...through all these words that continue to flow...it was always to let each and every one of you know and really get...that anything was not something to attain to. It was about using what you got to experience everything you are. Did I know that as a living man? Not always. In a lot of ways, I had enough. I was well taken care of and I shared it when and where I could. I willingly made it my mission to try and make life that much easier for those that struggled. Through my successes...that only meant that other people could succeed as well...even better than I ever could. People are doing the best they can with what they know to do. People are doing the best they can with what they have now. How, then, has that never been enough for anyone? What is it that people are striving for and in that striving...what are people trying to escape?

When it comes down to it...people are pretty powerful. People are powerful just as they are. But when will just as they are ever be enough? Because just as they are is seeing themselves for all that they are. I've been in this different form for a while now. Some might call me a decent memory. I have a tendency to call myself that too. But...you know that term as above so below? People, like ghosts, are beginning to believe that they are just a memory to a life that just doesn't fit anymore but they still try to squeeze themselves into it like a pair of jeans from high school because the new jeans, that are out there, won't feel the same. They are believing that they are just a memory to those that used to hang with them...that used to spend time with them...to those that used to go drinking and then go somewhere for an early morning breakfast that might stop that hangover from happening. They don't want to be different...look different; they want to still fit. The thing is...if a person constantly thinks they could become that memory...that they would lose what they have...they are continuously believing that they can't do anymore or they can't be any more or that they can't live any other way because if they did...they would become that memory to themselves and a whole lot of other people and they would regret that; they would be kicked out of that status quo that a lot of people choose as their aspiration based on a lot of outside influences that are, a lot of the time, one size fits all. But...if people actually took a moment, stopped for a second and realized that a memory was a take away of all those people, places or things that had a hand in creating an individual who is, now, a lot bigger, bolder and a hell of a lot wiser than they ever were when they were eating scrambled eggs and pancakes a little drunk...they would realize that maybe being a memory isn't all that bad because in being a memory...a person has brought themselves to a place where it's more than anything they ever thought they could be or do or achieve or even heal from.

So did becoming a memory...was that reaching outside of yourself to become who you are now or did that just naturally happen? Was there a push there...a panic to become who you really are regardless of the job, the relationships, the look...the clothes, the shoes, the car? That doesn't make you who you are. If you look back on yourself...not your life...but yourself...what happened? And what happened...was that dictated by reaching for that brass ring or was it a natural evolution to who you are...deep down inside? My evolution...I changed a lot. I lost my human costume for something that people can't necessarily see. That wasn't something I was grasping for to attain to. That was something that I was handed but even though I can't always be seen...I can be felt. I can be felt from within a person. Not as some sort of anti-Christ that possesses a body but something that can be felt in the heart...with that eye that people are slowly cracking open because it's a brand new day to be alive.

Every time a new day rolls around...do you strive to wake up or does it just naturally happen? To be honest...some people aren't morning people and they'll keep pushing that snooze button. Snooze. Let yourself snooze but in the snoozing...you're allowing that life to pass you by. Turn off that alarm and slowly wake up. Truth is, no one's grasping at waking up. It naturally happens. No one likes to wake up from a great dream but what if I got all philosophical on you and told you...you were the dream. You are, naturally, the dream you want. People are slowly waking up to the idea or the absolute certainty that they are the dream...in that natural state...they are the dream. And if a person's already the dream...what are they striving to wake up from? There is no nightmare here. There is a continuous push which is creating a hell of a lot of fear and strife and chaos. It's creating sadness and it's creating defeat but it's a lie that people tell themselves every single day because they are being fed that they aren't enough and they need to get and achieve when if you took that idea and shoved into your already full garbage of what you tell yourself that isn't true...you would actually start getting that the push to get what you already have or are...that push is creating the illusion and the dream...that's already you.

The push is also creating that havoc that you see all over the world. People are wanting to attain to. They are completely disregarding who they already are. And you know what...I'm on repeat. I'm that record that keeps playing the same song. I'm on rewind here because as someone who just naturally became who I was...who I am now and who sometimes tried to sabotage it because I could sometimes live with a one track mind on that planet we like to call Earth...there's a lot to be said about a natural state of being that attracts so much more than the frenzied panic of Black Friday shoppers fighting for that one great buy and as soon as it's gone...they've missed the boat...so they assume. In that push to get and attain, people are creating scarcity...not enough...too little...grasping...faking it 'till you're makin' it which depletes the integrity of this planet that stands in its truth everyday as the calm in the storm that people can't see because they're so busy feeding into this concept of attainment and never good enough. Now, I'm gonna tell you...quit the push and feel the pause. This is what a pause does. It gives a person some clarity about what's really going on and I'm gonna ask you something...do you like what's goin' on? No? Then why do you constantly feed into the push and not only your push...but the push of the next guy and the next guy and the next guy. Humanity has become a Nike advertisement...a sports drink commercial in terms of spirituality. Push and you'll win. How does winning feel to you, the reader? Why did you download this book? If winning the Olympics of the sport called spirituality felt good...what are you doing searching the pages of this book that you're willing to take a chance on because hopefully it might give you that clue that...you're doing the best you can with what you got and what you know to do and that's enough. You got this book because you need someone to tell you that you are enough. Okay...

You're enough.

You, the reader, are enough. And the memory of who you used to be...is a falsehood because you're never a memory. You're all of it. You are your past and your future and your moment to moment all wrapped up in this ball of yarn that we call the human being. And that is way more important than believing yourself to be a memory of something you grew out of into something that is pretty fuckin' beautiful. That is way bigger than believing you have to have this push/pull sort of life because in push/pull...that unlocked door...it stays shut.

When I lived as Paul, I was a part of something that, for me, was probably one of the most important parts of who I was because it connected me to my spirit. Now...as a spirit...I've become a part of something that connects me to the people and their hearts and souls. Reach Out Worldwide fulfilled me as it was; a group of people that just came together for a bigger picture and there was no push/pull. It happened and we got to where we were needed pretty easily because we're needed just as we are on a very pure and honest level; a source of assistance for those that need it the most. Now, I contribute to something that is more of a Reach Out Worldwide of the soul. It's still a source of assistance for those that need it most but now it's connected to the dream that is the person. That dream...that's the truth of who someone is. That dream...is what people are waking up to...not waking up from but waking up to. It's a wake up to a natural state of being and really believing that you're worth something as you already are. Now, when you connect to that worth, that money and status and fakin' it 'till you make it has nothing to do with you, as a whole, anymore and doors and windows start opening to reveal that it's actually a really warm and sunny day out and it's time to go out and play and experience what was always there waiting for you. You ever have a play date on one of those perfect sunny days...you ever notice how things just sort of put a smile on your face and you got nothin' but time because in that natural and pure state of enjoyment...time means nothing? That's life. That's you, the reader. That's the dream and even if it's not every day...it's still experienced and that's what life's all about.

The push will always be there. The push/pull will always block a path. But in that moment of push/pull where the doors seem locked up tight and that panic starts rising up that maybe you're missing out on something...what if it was just a moment to give you some clarity that maybe all doors don't open the same way. Maybe it was always just a sliding patio door...from one dimension to another...from Earth to Heaven and by making that small adjustment...that truth of who you are was only just ever a sidestep to the left or right and to move back or forward was just an idea to force a person into an illusion that doesn't...it never did exist. Patios on a warm sunny day...where the beer's flowing and food's grilling and anything worth it is in that moment...what are you waiting for? I've had your seat pulled out for a while now and Tony...he's cookin'.

Paul.

Simon Speaks on Choice

There is always choice. One may not think they have much choice but there is choice. If one thinks they don't have a choice it's only because they are giving their power away. People may believe that they are being included in a situation because they 'have to' or because things won't happen the way they're meant to unless You are involved. Things will unfold if one is or is not involved because everything is divinely guided and divinely orchestrated. Loosen your grip. Those with their heads in the sand, that cannot bear to face the world around them, are also ignoring themselves and are required, now, to straighten and dust off and open the eyes. While one has their heads in the sand, the world continues without their full engagement and the moment to engage in the life you have chosen to live is now.

As you look about your environment, one may feel a little lost. There is a compass and that compass is the heart. As you look around, it is time to find the balance of all of you. It is time to come back to the center. The heart chakra is the meeting point of all other chakras. If the heart is not in balance then the rest will follow. It is time to come in. There are those who are in a state of confusion that has been lit by denial. There are people who are in a state of anxiety because of feelings of helplessness. The feelings of helplessness stem from issues of personal power and personal strength. There is more where that came from and it is easily replenished for it resides in the heart. Let this time be a time of curbing reactions. Let this time be a time of taking pause. Let this be a time of introspection of where you truly have explored your true nature and where that has taken you thus far. There are those that continue to hold their breath, while waiting for the other shoe to drop when the shoe that is dangling is their own. There is grounding work that is required for to come back to oneself is to know one's place on this Earth. Find yourself through the roots you have planted into this earth for they run deep and there is no mistake in where you have chosen to be at this time.

There are those that are feeling as if time is running out, that life is coming to an abrupt end but this is your choice. The end of life does not require a physical death. These chosen deaths will be of detachment, of throwing one's hands up in the air and telling themselves they will take no more for they are done. This is a death of emptiness; of feeling as if your words are not heard or your presence is taken for granted. Feeling this way is a reminder that you have neglected a part of your own self and to receive that healing from another or that communication from another or that validation from another, you must first come home to yourself and give it to YOU. To blame is neglecting personal action not being followed through with. What are you waiting for? Who is to give you permission to start your life other than you? You have been validated since the day you were born to this world. It is only you have not heard it because of a requirement that you need it from the outside world and those you dwell with. This is not so. As you sit with yourself in the span of your day, notice the beat of your heart. Acknowledge the presence of what dwells there that is telling you the time is now.

Settle the mind. The mind is a funny thing. It can contemplate and consider. It can absorb knowledge. It can power the physical body and the senses. It can also project the unsettled and the chaotic ways of thought to the outside. It is part of a powerful manifestation tool and what has it been used for? To reflect. Bring the thought patterns back and be still and feel the heart space. Feel the beat. There is no time limit. There is nothing but time for time does not exist. You have not missed out. You have not missed any chances or opportunity for they wait within reach. They will wait there continuously until you give yourself your permission to grasp them and take hold. As a computer requires a reboot after a large download, so does a human being. This is a restart. You have allowed and gained such knowledge of the environment you live in as well as yourselves. It is time to relax with this and turn inward for the transformations to take place. How will this look to you and how will you flow with this? You have not been given vast amounts of universal magic to simply shut down. This has all been given to you to use for the upliftment of your personal environments which will ripple out to the world. If the chaos is due to the fact that you have been handed a mountain to climb, step back from the base and keep your eyes straight ahead. Goals and tasks are accomplished with greater ease and with greater joy when looked at in steps. You have been given an elevator and are used to progress that is fast and exciting and wish for the same now. Take the steps. The little steps will soon turn into your moving escalators but you must take the first few steps yourself. You must find where you stand in this, your new times and I may be so bold as to say you stand with thousands at a summit that you have climbed but wish to climb the mountain behind it that is much bigger. Climb it. You've already risen to such magnificent heights. To climb even further and reach even further is but within reach. It is only that you need to gather yourself and your tools before attempting more.

There is time. Know your place in the now. Understand that the now creates the future and the future holds no weight until the now is acknowledged for the now is the Creator and the Creator is you. Creation can only happen at this present time and with the energy of the heart for the heart is the leader of intuition. It is the leader of manifestation. The heart shows the way. Come back to your center and as you do this, notice that the next mountain does not seem so high, that your battles have been fought, and that the power is yours. Do not deny YOU. And so it is and so it was and so it will be.

Simon.

Conversations with Anthony Bourdain

Again, just to remind the readers, I don't invite people/spirits to come in. They find me on their own. Still don't know how but that's the way this works and probably always will. This has been on the back burner since he died. He'd come in but I was never willing. The last of 2018 wasn't...I wasn't feeling it but since January 1st...things have been flowing nonstop. So much so that I'm having trouble keeping up. I think I'll take a breath after this man. The frigger made me cry. He made me cry! Damn it. Anyway, he is intense. He was waiting for me to start because he knew today would be the day and he would just sit there, hunched forward rubbing his hands together because he knew he was going "to get a piece of me". He wore blue jeans and a white button down shirt...heavy cotton with black boots on his feet. Even though he had a tough exterior...he was an extremely loving individual. I'm actually surprised he sat as long as he did. I feel like he's more chill now...obviously but he could still go go go if he felt like it. That's what his life seemed to be. Go go go...on to the next thing. I feel it got a bit consuming and then tiring. Here is my conversation with Anthony Bourdain...

A: (points at me) And....go.

K: Go where?

A: Anywhere.

K: How are you?

A: I'm pretty fuckin' amazing.

K: That'll do it. Question.

A: This thing will be full of them, I'm sure.

K: You've done this? Why again?

A: (rubbing his hands together) Hhhmmm...good question but...it's like those were the warm ups before the main event.

K: What?

A: Yeah. I mean...this is cool. This is what I did. I wrote. I mean...there's a certain amount of information that can come from third party but there's a lot of information that can come from transcribing, right? That's the difference. Yeah. The main event. I mean, in interviews in magazines or papers...even the one that's getting interviewed gets these little stupid blurbs that are edited. You read them and you're like...I can't remember ever saying that. The context changes. Even when speaking and someone...I really know what translators go through now. How anyone managed to build those translator apps is beyond me. There's always something that gets lost in translation.

K: Well, I take that as a compliment.

A: When you saw me earlier...like when I died...you denied me.

K: I didn't deny you. I don't like to do these things as soon as someone dies. I like to give it a little time. There's something to be said about acclimatizing. Besides, you've talked about your life openly. Meh. There's always more perspectives to find out after a bit.

A: (crosses an ankle over a knee) True. Yeah. True.

K: I appreciate your patience though.

A: No problem.

K: Now I'm stumped for questions.

A: (chuckles) I know.

K: I mean, what do you ask anymore when it's all been said?

A: What do you talk about when it's all been talked about like a fuckin' broken record?

K: True. Well, we could start with one thing.

A: Good. One is good but never enough.

K: Sweet or salty?

A: Salty.

K: Is that a personal thing that comes out in the attitude of a person?

A: (laughs) Big assumption.

K: What do you think about me?

A: Salty.

K: And what do you think about me, personally?

A: I've heard things. I was told to behave.

K: (rolling my eyes) Please.

A: That's what I said.

K: (laughing) Okay. What was or is your best quality?

A: Hhhmmm...I knew you were going to ask this. Okay. I had an answer but...to raise the bar.

K: Good one.

A: Yeah.

K: Your worst quality?

A: To raise the bar.

K: Good one too.

A: It's a consequence thing. You leave it up to chance. You dig the mystery of something and you just test the waters. You forget about nerves and you rely on instinct. All my life I really think I relied on instinct and I think that's why a part of me was so fuckin' miserable because the instincts I had always...if I took action on it...while many opportunities and events were great...more lacked. I made up shit in my mind to be bigger than what it was and so that bar would always be raised.

K: From what you're letting me feel, you were this black hole that just couldn't be filled. If we're actually talking about black holes in the way they are perceived.

A: Black holes destroy. I guess...in a way...especially when I was younger I was hell bent on destroying myself even if I denied it. I mean...I travelled and I saw things and I ran a restaurant and I got all this praise for cooking food but if I didn't use all my senses...to hell with it.

K: Did you have, what one would call, an addictive personality?

A: Yeah and the whole thing about addiction is a person is never satisfied. Nothing satisfies them and you could give emotional reasons to why like daddy issues or mommy issues or family dynamics but that wasn't it for me. Life, man...as addicting as it is to live, sometimes it just lacks fulfillment. You could have everything and you just lack fulfillment or you want to top your wish list. At some point...that list is pretty fuckin' full. So what's the next thing I can pull off? What's the next thing I could dare myself to do and I did it.

K: Until the end.

A: Until the end. Nothing grounded me to this place. Nothing made me feel like this is where I wanted to be or this is what I wanted to do.

K: I get that. Okay. Let's talk about drugs and alcohol for a second. Was it the high or the addiction?

A: The high. I was up for any high and you know, food, drugs, sex, booze...all those things get a reaction or they liven up the senses in a way that it can be euphoric and euphoric for me was what I was after because if anything...it's the closest I was ever going to get to something amazing and that's why I was always on the go or travelling or daring myself to experience even if it was at the bottom of the world. I was constantly looking for euphoria. Death dared me. He really did. He dared me so many fucking times but I didn't think...a couple times I left death up to chance. I dared it. I really did but man...sometimes you're just looked out for.

K: How so?

A: You read that bit about how I was driving and I was so done and just messed up that I told myself if a song came on the radio that I didn't like I was going to drive myself off a cliff.

K: Something like that.

A: Yeah. Something like that.

K: But that's pretty unbelievable because who thinks that way?

A: That was a bad night. I was just numb. I wasn't finding euphoria in anything and so I dared death. I guess you could call it a higher power...they didn't want me and they wanted me to realize that there were little pockets of euphoria for me in my life so they put on a good song.

K: I can't believe you left your life up to a DJ on an old radio station.

A: But that's just it. Why not? Why not leave your life up to chance to something other than yourself.

K: But isn't the whole goal of life to be Self-directed?

A: For the ones that want to stay comfortable. There's also risk. You know, people don't give enough credit to this idea of risk or taking chances. Yeah, they Self direct their lives but they Self direct it into little pockets of cozy comfort. It's the ones that want the risks that are actually really powerful because they're willing to see what's more or what's out there that can be possible.

K: Do you think that part of the reason why it lacked (life) is because you...I mean, you're a pretty expressive guy and the way you talk...it's like a dictionary or really descriptive words and when you read your books you talk about food or a day or plane ride or a hotel stay like it's a work of art.

A: I spin a good tale.

K: Does after getting the high or the euphoria...was the difficult thing to express that?

A: I think...yeah. I mean...everyone needs an outlet. You want the gratification of people seeing the effects of what you lived. Some days I would create something so unbelievably fucking fantastic but who was I gonna call to tell when they heard it before. I thought experiences were incredible but no one else did. Not with the verve or the vivaciousness that I had. So who was I going to tell?

K: When did you want to start writing?

A: I was always writing. I always wrote because I wanted to remember. Recipes became words of a story I was creating with myself. I liked the business but I wanted to take the business outside of four walls and I wanted to travel with it and maybe I'd find people that found something just as euphoric as I did or would offer me the chance to feel euphoria in their language or culture. That's what it was all about for me. The euphoria was the same. The way it was presented was totally new and different so if I could map out some sort of experience that was completely new but could offer me that euphoria that I was looking for...that was aces for me. It was a good time but it was elusive and so I had to get up and go and find it for myself because it wasn't going to come and find me.

K: Do you think people wait for life to find them?

A: All the fuckin' time.

K: What did ground you to your life? What finally brought you back to reality and was it what you wanted?

A: My second wife...we were very similar and she got me. Then after that...my daughter. My daughter was really the thing or the person that grounded me to life. That was...it was euphoric in a very different way than what I was used to because every day she grew I grew too and it was always different and to repeat experiences or share experiences with someone that was so new and untainted by life...that's what grounded me.

K: What about the idea that nothing lasts forever.

A: That's it!!! That's what it was all about. Nothing lasts forever. So go and find it because it could be gone and when it's gone and you missed it...that could've been the most incredible experience...taste...smell...of your entire life.

K: Senses.

A: Ran the show.

K: Your senses ran the show?

A: I lived by them. I'd follow my senses. I was a fuckin' dog in heat.

K: (laughing) Nice.

A: Hey...I'll tell it and that's what's nice about this is that it's not censored. I'll lay it out. I was a dog in heat when it came to my senses or wanting to experience something with...like I would smell something so delicious that my tongue had to taste it. I couldn't let it go. If I smelled something...I had to find it. If I was about to taste something...I had to smell it. If I had the inkling or the wherewithal to touch something...I had to examine it. You know...a lot of what you didn't see on the shows was me, on my own without a crew, going exploring because in those cases, if I took anyone along...they would slow me down. I was like a cat on a roof. I had to move and I had to find because my worst fear was me missing out on something because I didn't leave my hotel room.

K: Being hung over?

A: Stopped me for a bit but you know...there's ways around that.

K: Did you understand the word no.

A: No. And that's why I'm here. I don't take no for an answer.

K: But if you say no to someone...you expect it to be heard.

A: Not really a balanced scale...I know.

K: I absolutely loved the shows where you were in South America. I would watch them a few times over. Was there a favorite for you? A place?

A: I like the jungle. The jungle is wild by nature. Fit me good. I liked the stench of Asia. I liked the stickiness of India...I liked the community of South America. There's nothing like home. The states gave me comfort. I liked the snobbery of Paris because it was funny to me. I liked so many things about different places. I mean...to pick a favorite...that's the thing. I would have my favorite but it would change because my experience in one place...I'd raise the bar and then another place would beat that even though the experience of London or Paris was good...getting fucked up in a jungle with a Shaman was tops.

K: Yeah. I remember some "poisons" (finger quote) that you would drink or eat.

A: You wouldn't even know the trip that came with that or the vomit. (shakes his head and laughs) Yeah. I was sick quite a few times on my explorations of the world.

K: So with the restaurants or the books or the shows...could you pinpoint which was your favorite to do.

A: They all bled into each other. The cooking took me travelling which made the show which helped write the books. What I couldn't say on television I could write. The writing was more personal. It was more like journaling. Some writing was scrapped because...people get uncomfortable with raw and honest. I mean...I didn't mince words and it wasn't always appreciated.

K: I hear you.

A: I know.

K: But it doesn't matter. I mean...appreciated or not...my writing is like...I have to get it out of my system or it will literally eat me from the inside out which...not comfortable if I'm going to be honest.

A: It's like the fucking plague.

K: (laughing) Yeah. Sure.

A: (laughs) We understand each other. This is good.

K: Being such a...

A: Rogue.

K: Not really the word I had in mind.

A: Asshole.

K: Maybe in the in-between.

A: Okay.

K: Success followed you around like a "dog in heat".

A: Because...the secret to that was the fact that I just wanted to do it to experience and whatever came out of that was gravy. I didn't attach myself to outcome. I was very in the moment.

K: Yeah. That's what I was feeling. Very in the moment and whatever happened....

A: Was a consequence of that.

K: Why do you say consequence?

A: I wasn't ever...it was the brooder in me, I guess. I wasn't like that was the best day ever like I'm back in high school clinging to every single dramatic event that would put me on a pedestal. Sometimes choices would kick me to the curb but then I'd sit on the curb and experience the world at that level.

He's showing me sitting on a curb in Thailand just watching the world pass him by.

A: If something just kicked your ass to the curb...there's a reason for it. It's because you're supposed to experience that scenery for a while. You're supposed to chill out.

K: Wow! Thank you for that.

A: I'm wise now.

K: That's a very in the moment kind of thing to say and I really appreciate that.

A: Don't bother pissing about it. You made the choice, you're experiencing the consequences of that choice so what are you going to sit and piss about it? Experience the consequence of your choice than get up and walk away...move onto the next thing...the next level. There's only one way to go and that's up.

K: I love that. We need to have drinks one night.

A: Hey...I would if you could hold that sort of energy while drinking.

K: But I'm not Alice Cooper.

A: Definitely not Alice Cooper but I'll tell you something...he's a softy. He may not look it but the guy's pretty mellow and knows what he's talking about. He doesn't talk to talk.

K: Good to know. Neither do I.

A: Why I'm here. Pretty to the point.

K: Cool. So your daughter...it's confusing to some people how you could commit suicide while finding so much pleasure from that part of your life.

A: Had nothing to do with her. It was about me and isn't that what suicide's about?

K: I don't know. I've never done it.

A: The bar was raised. I dared it. I dared death.

K: Were you depressed or anything?

A: Empty. I just...couldn't be fed anymore. The euphoria turned pretty fucking dull.

As he's talking about it I feel very empty. Sort of like...looking around and thinking 'what's left'.

K: Do you feel like you accomplished everything?

A: I don't know about accomplishing. I never really set out to "accomplish" (finger quote). I just set a bar which was what was an experience that would take me out of this and into that. Did I want to die? To be honest...I thought getting close to it would be pretty cool. I mean, I was ready to drive off a cliff if I didn't hear a good song. I just found it difficult to feel fulfilled.

K: People weren't expecting it.

A: No. The assumption was that I had the world at my back and I was livin' la vida loca and loving that.

K: Was balance difficult for you?

A: I was always trying to achieve some sort of extreme and balancing that with nurturing relationships...especially with my daughter...it was tough. It was a letdown. I couldn't master that. I was pulled in these directions and so many days out of the year I was pulled away from stability and what kept my feet on the ground. That was something that I secretly lived with and the consequence of that was emptiness. The perception was that I was full and I was. The outside of my life was very full...no question. The inside...nothing was making that bar.

K: I get that and I assume that for many...they would make assumptions based on saying that...

A: Of course they would. People think of it (suicide) as escape. Escaping what they don't like. Being miserable. Sure...I could be miserable. But...(takes in air through his teeth thinking) I wasn't fulfilled anymore. Life wasn't fulfilling for me anymore and the thing that fulfilled me, I couldn't get to enough. I became a slave to obligations. My family was never an obligation but I couldn't seem to find my way back there when I needed them the most.

K: I get it.

A: That's all I can say. (chuckles while shrugging) People like explanations. I've never been one to want to explain myself because I couldn't. It just is. It just was. I was on a fucking curb and I got tired of what I was seeing. If that's selfish...then it is. I can't change that but for a guy like me...getting tired of what you're seeing and not achieving that feeling of worth it...it's a hard spot to be in. It really is.

I can feel what he's talking about. It's pretty much akin to feeling hopeless that there's anything more.

K: Got it. Thank you for offering that.

A: You're welcome. (sighs) I find that here it's easier to try and be honest and feel but it's still...I feel very intensely which I think you get.

K: Yeah. It's pretty intense in here. Thoughts on a "Higher Power"?

A: (laughs) I assumed a lot. I assumed very little.

K: Finding that force of euphoria on earth...would you consider that a "Higher Power". Something that...people would pray too but you experienced it...in a way different way.

A: (leans his head back to think) God is anything you want it to be. As a person walking around the streets of Boston or Hong Kong or Buenos Aires...God is anything you need it to be to give you some sort of peace or idea that someone else is taking care of you. I negated that. I've had a perspective change. I was handed choice by something. A good song came on the radio because of something. But...it's not a someone. I could form that idea for you if that's easier. Sure...there is a source of everything. Do you want to call that God? Fine. Let's call it God. I like Source. There is a Source for everything. Does that make me sheepish for negating that and do a one eighty to apologize for my disbelief. No. I don't have guilt or shame. I have a hell of a lot more respect for people who choose to believe in a higher power and they would be correct that there is. But the Source of life is the source and people take that with them. For anyone...they are a Source. To boil that down to one spiritual being...it's difficult but there is that.

K: Spirituality?

A: I think that's what I was ultimately on the hunt for. I was just calling it euphoria but that's what that is or could be for people. It's that spirit of them that is the black hole. It can only be filled with the willingness to live life without constraint and the effects of that which...I mean...if you do something you've always wanted to do and top that and top that and top that...it's a pretty unbelievable feeling but that's experiencing the spirit. The spirit gets dull with the day to day. But...it's not like you have to jump off a cliff or travel to the end of the world to experience that. It's just...following your urges or making room for different or...I'll dumb it down. You tried the vanilla ice-cream. You liked it. You got addicted for a while but you decide...one day...at some sort of urging from somewhere...to try it with chocolate. Well...you just touched heaven. Now you're addicted to chocolate but then...need something different so you're gonna go for the salted caramel. It's just raising the bar in anything that entices you. Could be food...could be experiences...could be travel...could be people...could be anything. It's just...that's food for the soul, or the spirit, to experience on any level that that is good for you. I was intense. My experiences had to have that intensity or there was no point.

K: I get that. I totally get that and for the readers...this man is very intense. Even relaxed and talking...your energy is almost too much. For real.

A: I'll take that as a compliment.

K: You got verve, Bourdain.

A: Yeah. I got verve.

K: Thank you.

A: Thank you, Kimberly. This was...a gift.

Making me cry. Strong gratitude coming from him.

K: Stop it!

A: No. Really. (nodding his head) This is a gift. Thank you.

K: It's something I question.

A: You should question. Questioning keeps it in perspective. Keeps it healthier.

K: Thank you.

A: Okay. Enough emotion. I gotta run but hey...I'll see you later.

K: I'd love it.

A: Bye.

K: Bye, Anthony.

Nods and smiles then gets up and walks away flicking a cigarette to the side. Was he smoking? I didn't even notice.

Benjamin Cole Brown Speaks on Relevancy

The topic or the word relevancy has come up quite a bit in Kim's world and I really just sort of stayed in the background wanting to talk about it because I think, as this world changes, this idea of what is relevant and what isn't is changing pretty quickly. I mean, people have come a long way and what used to be relevant is more what's about comfort level than actually what's good for you. We all want to do that purpose or live that life but life changes and it looks very different with every year that passes so what was relevant six months ago...two years ago probably isn't so relevant anymore. And if a person is really holding tight to whatever it was that they think or believe remains relevant in their life...it actually isn't relevant...it's an excuse to stay put or do the same because that's all a person is really interested in being or doing without realizing the potential of so much more.

When relevancy turns into excusing...it becomes this energetic leak. It really does take more energy to make excuses for something that just doesn't fit any more than finding what does and what can create that relevancy in a life. If something or someone is relevant to you...does it feel like a lie? Does it feel like you have to continually make excuses to keep it around...like justify its existence because it brought you this far so it has to bring you the rest of the way? What is relevant is actually living truth. Truth has a huge...a very broad definition because it's different for every life or every story that's lived and personal truth is actually created by the environments around a person that support who they are or support finding out who they are...really deep down inside. When a person finds out who they really are in that deep down way...there's really no excuse made for how they live or what actions they take because there's no real sense of sneaking around or knowing that it just doesn't cut it anymore and there's no...exhaustion from living something that you've ultimately grown out of. Keeping things relevant...you can't keep things relevant. It's like that bigger picture thing. When we look at relevancy, we're also willing to see more of that bigger scope of choice, outcome, fall out...celebration. When things are relevant...that peripheral vision widens and a huge space opens up because relevancy is that proverbial manifestation power because if it's relevant in a life...it's created like magic. It just sort of happens and appears. When things aren't (relevant) and excuses are made it just becomes this very narrow view of the world and that's all you'll ever know because to step out of what no longer works or fits would actually take admitting that you've changed and you're not the same person and you have more likes and dislikes or you have more that really floats your boat that you'd like to try and the excuses of money, or deadlines, or obligation don't play into that.

Ever realize that when something becomes an excuse...it turns out to be an obligation? And yeah, there are responsibilities but there's a fine line between obligations and responsibilities. Responsibilities are like the shining armor that a person wears because what they take responsibility for, actually has this amount of integrity and truth about it or what you're living. An obligation is something a person has to do based on the rules of someone else. Obligation is used as an excuse. What is relevant is actually used as a responsibility in your life. We have the responsibility to care for our bodies because we want to be healthy and active. Or, we are obligated to cut out carbs and eat carrots because someone doesn't meet a certain standard that's out there called "beauty". We are responsible to start re-using and re-cycling because we are proud of where we live and we want to keep it beautiful. There's relevancy there. It's a very fine line and I'm having trouble with finding an obligation when it comes to the environment because in all honesty...if people take pride in how they live, they act responsibly towards the earth that provides that...I mean, that's just a no brainer. Maybe that's just me. I mean...if I could sit here and think about obligation I would but I just don't think that way anymore. I never really feel obligated to do something. If it doesn't float my boat...I don't do it because it's not fulfilling. Think of what fulfills you. Does it remain relevant? Even if it comes out of your past...is it still relevant? If it is, there's a respect quotient there because you're in love with how you've turned out based on events of the past and you look back with, man, those were some good times. If you're looking at your past and you're taking action out of obligation because your sister said it's your turn or your friend forgot their wallet again because it's a pattern...the respect for yourself or the respect for the other person diminishes and you don't say anything because to tell the truth would create an argument so you bite your tongue and live sort of a lie because you're obligated to do for or be there for because of people from a past that still influence their power over you. And this can be big or small. It doesn't matter but because the action comes from obligation and not from being relevant to who you are now...it's not living in that truthful way. It's just burying it until the situation is resolved and you don't have to deal with it until the next time it comes around. You see this a lot during the holidays. It's Kim's turn to put on the feast (just making it up) but Kim wanted to go to the mountains with the family this year. But because she's obligated to do the Christmas dinner, she's not only lying to herself and others...but she's not living her truth and the celebration of Christmas loses its relevancy because it becomes a chore and burden. There's some bitterness instead of admitting that the same old traditions aren't relevant anymore and she wants to create new ones. Now...this is just an example and because Kim's translating this...she's an easy example for me. Kim does pizza and a dip in the hot tub for Christmas...that's my kind of Christmas dinner. It was just an example to create that understanding.

Kim also tells people something pretty important and I'd like to share it here. She journals sometimes or she keeps personal conversations that she's had with us. But, when she first started journaling or conversing and keeping them...she was told not to go back and re-read. Why? Because what happened in those journals from the previous year or two...they hold no weight anymore. Those personal words that she channeled for herself don't have anything to do with who she is now because she's a completely different person than when she wrote what she wrote. Instinctively, all that information or all that venting or all that learning...it's been absorbed and it's no longer relevant. If she's re-reading and going back to all that...that's already been done...there's an obligation there to keep all that information just in case she could use it again. You can't. It's done. Don't re-read. Let go of what was and if that means all that writing or journaling needs to be burned or buried...then that's what has to happen and it's never a bad thing even though it may look like you're burning things out of anger...maybe to others? But it's not. It's actually cutting away all that stuff that a person constantly looks at in their house...that they haven't read or used in years...and when you cut all that away, it leaves room for more information to come. To keep things relevant when looking back on it makes your stomach curl or your eyes roll but that's who you were and there might be some good memories in there...isn't that more about obligation and don't you think that any good memories that you journaled about would always remain outside of the pages you wrote them down on...inside of your heart?

Here's the thing about journaling. When a person first starts doing it...it's a bitch session. It's venting out what you've been a victim of and it's venting out how you feel about yourself and usually...it's not good. Journaling is started out as being an outlet for sadness and question. Then a person fills a book and tucks it away because all that emotion is contained in that book. But then, the journaling takes a turn and it becomes creativity, little sayings that you hear, affirmations, how someone told you that they really loved that you were in their life. It might even become automatic writing. These journals become inspiration and if you were to look back on those...they become a reminder of how cool you really are and how smart you've become and that continues to be relevant because that's what you are; what you continue to be. You're a very cool and beautiful human being. You don't keep those journals out of obligation. You keep them because they still contain that ultimate piece of truth and you can tell it's truth because you actually enjoy reading them as checking in with your truth and not a bunch of victimhood lies that we all go through as we progress in life.

I really believe that the world you live in has moments of gut check time. You hear people say that they're cleaning out their closets...donating...spring cleaning that home physical environment because it just becomes too cluttered or the space feels really small. So they clean out closets and they get rid of all this stuff that just doesn't make sense to keep. They've felt obligation...maybe to keep that tea set from their grandmother that passed away but now they look at it and the memories are gone and it doesn't fit with the new interior design/look that they're going for so it's time to get it out. It's not relevant to the life you're choosing to live now. Clothes...bodies change. People aren't obligated to keep a pair of jeans that they haven't worn for five years but because they might be their high school weight again...they hold onto them as some sort of goal. But those jeans...they tell a different story...one that a person isn't obligated to live anymore and what's relevant is the fact that you really aren't who you were in high school anymore so why should you keep a pair of jeans that aren't even in style anymore? Same thing with the life that you're living. It's gut check time. What is an obligation and what is a responsibility and how can we...downsize all of that. Sometimes an obligation, with a change of attitude or an adjustment in how it's looked at...changes into a responsibility that one's proud of and then it remains relevant. This is based on really looking deeply at what's happening around you; the why's and the how's and the how come's. Is the life you're living relevant to You anymore or is there something in you that's sparking an urge...a soul calling that some circumstances need to change. Sometimes those are big changes...sometimes they're really small but a change is a change and it sort of snowballs because when a person listens to that ultimate truth of who they are...what's relevant in their world...it creates that panoramic mountain view that takes your breath away. I'm going to tell you...downsizing...that life noise...turning that volume down...now is the time. It takes the chaos away. It takes the burden away. It takes the excuses away and it invites an authentic attitude and way of being.

Relevancy is personal. It is not contingent on anyone else. Even if you have kids...they hold that responsibility...yes...but the relevancy isn't that the kid is relevant to you. The kid is living their own life with your best intentions and influences gifting them along the way. What's relevant to you is being a parent and that's a responsibility that you're proud of because, in a way, that responsibility will someday ripple out and influence the world as you know it. That's something to be proud of. That's what's relevant. It is not an obligation. School...higher learning...it's not an obligation. If it's looked at as an obligation because that's the only way you're gonna get a job...you won't learn and you won't get the job. You're lying to yourself because if it becomes an obligation...you're not really passionate about the knowledge. When higher learning becomes a responsibility...you have pride in what you're learning to present to the world as something that can make it a better place just by you putting your original stamp on that career path that you, ultimately chose, to be the best you could be. As you do that...what you learned and incorporated into your career just from that higher learning...continues to be relevant. Relevancy is putting that best foot forward in...anything.

Relevancy also evolves. If kept loose...if kept in that panoramic view...it's 360 and it goes further. So you're on that mountain top of life being relevant and you hike to a new vantage point. That view is different but it's still panoramic and it still is relevant because you're still hiking that path that you love but now that view has evolved into something bigger and better than what you could ever believe. Obligation...you didn't want to hike that day and you're whining that your foot hurts so you go back to the car. See the difference? We need to start looking at vocabulary differently. We need to begin to feel out the words and their meanings. Only then will language stay relevant. Only then will language come from truth. Only then can we expand who we are and what we do, based on what we tell people. If you're just talking to just talk and say things that people just want to hear...is that relevant?

Cole. (Benjamin Cole Brown)

Conversations with Eva Peron, First Lady of Argentina

Political agendas and pasts aside...I like her. I really genuinely like this woman. I feel a familiarity with her. I never called her in. She just sort of knocked. But I do remember thinking about her months ago. Divine timing was at play, getting this done, for sure. She wore a simple red dress. She had her hair in a low sort of school teacher-esque bun. She sat back with a leg crossed over the other. She often rested her head in her pointer finger and thumb as she looked at me. It's almost like she was studying me at times or...like a friend sitting and really listening to another friend as they talked about what was important to them...there was consideration there. I think she came because, on some level, I needed her energy. She's a fighter for sure. She hasn't lost that. I want to call her pragmatic but at the same time...she had lofty goals but they were the same to her. Why not? If you take aim...you can fire, and that's not from me. I think she's sneaking that in there. FYI, her accent was a little thick. I gave it the old college try with translating words. Here is my conversation with Eva Peron.

E: Let's get comfortable.

K: I would love to get comfortable with you but I have to admit, I don't know a lot about you. So I'll have to fiddle around and find some questions to ask. It's been awhile since I've done one of these.

E: That's fine. There is nothing but informalities here.

K: Well that's good. I know that you had crossed my mind months ago and that's when I read up a little but I can't remember much. I have had questions about why I channel a lot more men than women. I didn't really have an answer for that. So thanks for popping in and giving a different energy. Would you like to speak your two cents about that?

E: That's fine. I believe that you are right when saying that women...don't have a need to really re-visit a lot of what's happened. I think that we come in with a certain goal and we live that goal. For some, it's easier than others. Men have goals too but I feel like women can be influential enough...or even forgiving enough to understand that we lived, we lived well, we lived with what we had within our means; some of us persevered. To be fair...throughout history, women haven't had the equal state of acknowledgement unless they accomplished something very big. I believe that's changing. I don't believe that all men have the same mentality or beliefs for or against women. I just think, after they (men) have lived and they come back to speak...there's not regret but there's...I could have done things differently.

K: I think that women have a lot of that too.

E: There's a difference though. I think that women, although maybe they could have done differently...there's an additional belief that they did the best they could with what they were given.

K: Okay. In saying that, I would like to know why you ran from the life you were born into. It's almost like...because of the birth certificate (doctored) and being so angry with your dad, that you wanted to escape that life; of what you were given.

E: I feel that we are born into families that make us who we're meant to be. Some people stay with their families because the generations are to repeat in a similar fashion and the families they are born into are there to support that same cycle...whatever it is. Some people are born into families where they look around them and really know...understand...that this is not who they are and they are born into these circumstances to push them out of and into who they are really and truly meant to be. This is what I would call breaking the mold. So there are two paths when born into a family. One, it is a support to carry you through life and two, it is one of escape where you are nudged to find that part you were meant to play that is completely different than the circumstances that you were born into. Does that make sense?

K: Yes.

E: Some people might feel these kids are renegades or rebels. The mindset and attitude towards life is very different. These children look at the life around them and feel the need to change circumstances as a benefit to others...maybe even their families, because there is always love there. It's not just to be the black sheep or the rebel or the one that acts out in terrible ways. These children, that look as if they're escaping, are really running towards what they are meant to do and be.

K: Why acting? Why entertainment?

E: For a woman of my circumstance...in my mind it would be easier. I had a presence about me. I could entice. I could use my demeanor and my voice in such a way that it would gain favor with people around me.

K: Including men.

E: (smiles) Yes. Including men. Yes, I had some affairs. Some would believe that I had the affairs to gain some sort of footing...that maybe I prostituted myself to get ahead. Truthfully, on the road or the path that I was forging for myself, it could be lonely.

K: I can see that. I can understand that.

E: I could be outspoken and so...people could either relate or think that I was much too outspoken and look the other way. I had ideas and vision that I wanted to share. My dream of being in entertainment was partly to share myself in a way that could influence others. I don't know if I had an agenda, per say, but I could be very vocal in what I believed to be true...in causes that were important to me.

K: Did these causes stem from the way you were treated...you and your family because I know that your dad was a pretty wealthy guy but because you were a product of an affair...he pretty much wrote you off?

E: Yes.

K: Was it your father that pissed you off enough to, maybe, have that agenda of changing how kids were seen out of wedlock...that they were just as important as kids that were legitimate or was it because you saw it too much...not just with your family but with many people...

E: I feel it was a combination of both. Being in that situation and feeling the fall out of being...my family and I were basically non-existent because of the laws and my father's will. We seemed to be extra baggage. We were lucky to get his name but at the same time...having his name after he had passed away was just a...terrible secret.

I find it really difficult to translate this as well as type the words because she's using both and it's almost like she wants me to feel the disgrace while describing it trying to be polite.

K: I get that that would feel like an impossible situation for you.

E: And as a child, I didn't understand. I felt he...hated me...my family and as I got older and I had to work so hard for so very little, I got angry. I knew there was more and so I left to find it. I was born into a circumstance where...although my mother and siblings were supportive...they were not where I was meant to stay. I don't believe they even imagined how my running off could...create so much. I was meant to find better...for myself and for them.

K: I want to talk about your media presence and your radio show. Not so much about what is was about but there is a lot of talk now about how media manipulates information. Not all of it. I feel that some media outlets can be very informative. But...what are your thoughts on that?

E: Media is a responsibility to inform people of the truth of their countries, their cities, their towns. It is not something to be used to manipulate or gain control. It has turned into that as a form of entertainment. Media is a means to spread something authentic because that is how people get their information now. A lot of it is through the media. Sometimes, it has been a tool to turn people against each other. It has been a tool to spread hate. It has been a tool to spread lies in a way that is believable. I feel that there has to be a stop to the phrases, a close source, or sources say because there is no...validation of that. I feel that more interviews must be done with those that are in power. I feel that if there is a story to be told that the one to tell it is the one who is actually experiencing it first hand and not a third party who is simply watching from afar. Media was something to be trusted. During the war, that's how people learned about what was happening. So they could be aware of the progression of either the allies or the axis. But it was also taken over by those who felt they were influential and could skew information so that it would be believed. I'll admit, I was one of them. But I will never admit to being dishonest. I sometimes used the radio as a means to talk about my reality. I did interviews that talked about the heart of things even when I needed to be professional. It was one of the ways to get to the bottom of things and using radio to communicate or to portray persons, that could help me do that, because they were living or had lived, that is what the mission was for me. Yes, media has its place but now...who do you trust? This is why you are told to use your instinct, intuition, intellect and discernment with the information you take in...including these types of things.

K: Like talking to dead people.

E: Especially talking with dead people, yes.

K: Agreed. I very much agree with that statement. In saying that, how much of your radio shows were acting and how much were actually spreading some sort of message?

E: There was a lot of acting at first. Of course...radio shows were like your movie screens or your television screens. But...the importance of...fantasy was only part. That was fun but to engage your audience and people and histories that happened and shaped the world in which we lived...I loved it. It turned into a passion.

K: Did that give you...sort of an inside look at what you could do...maybe what you could bring to a public or a city?

E: It opened my eyes to what could come out of hiding and into the light. As I got used to the performance I saw how influential and how fast spreading communication could be and that's when my past began to come up in ways that I saw it everywhere and then I had a desire to be a voice of reason than of entertainment.

K: But it didn't get that far?

E: Because it wasn't supposed to happen only on a radio. To speak on behalf of a people...it had to be in front of the people.

K: When you met the Colonel Juan Peron, was that a situation that you used to get ahead? I feel like the country was torn with your intentions.

E: Yes. Yes, some were. (smiles) Juan was charismatic. He could hold the attention of thousands with how he talked. His attractiveness was also his past...he understood what...the limiting factor of being a child born a "bastard" (finger quote) was. He hid this part of himself so he could achieve more. He had help with this.

K: How did it start between you?

E: Our relationship?

K: Yeah.

E: I feel that we were on the same page when it came to helping...assisting...building up people that needed that. I feel we agreed on many of the same things in regards to impoverished, imprisoned, equality...fair pay for hard work...there were so many things but I felt like I had met a kindred spirit.

K: Was that right away?

E: (thinks) Yes. I believe that when he was imprisoned, that his absence solidified how I was feeling and I was undaunted at the task of freeing him because if he was free, order would be restored and...he could be by my side. I felt, very much, like he was on my team. I felt like he was my partner even before he was. It was a feeling within me.

K: I was talking to my husband this morning and he was telling me that Juan was a dictator and to be fair...South America had a few dictators.

E: Yes.

K: But from...I don't know. Dictatorships...how do I put this...he seemed more socialist. I mean...the army didn't much care for him being there. They hated the fact that you were there. They put pressure on him to sort of...dumb you down a little but he wouldn't.

E: No.

K: So was he a dictator or was it more a socialist? He had socialist ideas.

E: Yes. We both did. What is wrong with socialist ideas? If not a political stage but as a living way...education, healthcare, equal pay...I don't understand what is wrong with these things.

K: But, I mean, socialism can have extremes as well.

E: Of course. Anything can have extremes. Anything. But social aspects in a government can only create a harmonious living...country. There are both ends of the stick but there is also a middle ground. Argentina never had the middle ground. If they did, you would not have seen the poverty or the laws that said children born out of wedlock could not be anything but slaves to a country that hates them. It is not the country that hates them. It is the idea that sin created them that they are forever tarnished and the women that birthed these sins could never amount to anything but a vessel for...distain.

K: Really?

E: Yes. Really. I lived it. I was put aside...my mother was put aside for what? The inequality for the choices that my father made and included my mother in only benefitted him and his honored marriage. My mother willingly participated because of empty promises from a man that his only contribution to love was wealth.

K: You were pissed off!

E: Very much.

K: Okay. Let's do this. So that reaction to your father gave you the fuel to light up a whole other side of Argentina like...a country rising.

E: Yes. But, with communication. With comfort...with support from their president; with support from a man who took a job to speak on behalf of a country's people but a country has many people and faces of culture, gender, blue collar, white collar...the president was a voice for all of them and not just one...to the wealthy and entitled.

K: It didn't take you two long to marry.

E: No.

K: Were you soulmates?

E: Yes.

K: I thought so. It feels that way. So you married which made people very nervous because you were outspoken.

E: Yes.

K: Did you care about how much pressure you and your husband received to maybe...conform to what has been?

E: No.

K: You say that rather...shortly.

E: If I had felt obligated to pressure, I don't believe I would still be spoken about. I would have just been a name in a history book.

K: Very true. I want to get into this European Tour that you went on being the First Lady. I felt it was a little divided and I don't know why.

E: Well...all I can say was that...what can I say. I cannot speak for countries.

K: No. But what were your feelings on why some countries welcomed you so warmly and others did not.

E: It was all politics. It was very much a disagreement with the direction that Juan and I saw Argentina going and how other countries thought it should remain because of previous rule. I...did my duty believing that I was a face people wanted to see but my face was an example of what they didn't like and assumed that I was putting asunder. It was a very hard tour and I could not wait to go back to my world where I felt the most needed and accepted because of what I envisioned and shared with the people of Argentina. When I came home I was welcomed home and I knew that Argentina was where I was meant to be and put all my energy into. It was not to make friends with people who didn't wish to play nice. It was not putting on a brave face and swallowing my pride and staying silent on what Juan and I were trying to accomplish. The tour was to spread a message of a new day for Argentina. People don't like change especially when it disagrees with what they are told to believe.

K: You're mouthy. I like it. I think we'll be friends.

E: (laughing) We'll be friends to create enemies, I'm afraid.

K: I don't think that being a voice for what you believe, in a way that's with integrity and just truth from a place of...wanting to see different or wanting to make a difference in a really fantastic...revolutionary way, could ever be an excuse for someone to look down on you. I mean, if you're not being an asshole about it and someone reacts shitty to you...be like Jesus man. Forgive but continue.

E: Be like Jesus?

K: Sure.

E: I like that. Simply live with good intentions and be the voice for people who cannot be heard.

K: I saw a couple photographs of you doing speeches. And it wasn't as if you were being preachy. You were actually engaging people into what you were saying.

E: When you work on behalf of people you are to engage with them. They are not a congregation to be preached to. You are to work together in a way that you are able to give hope and not damnation.

K: (laughing) Sing it! (I love this woman. She's a fellow spitfire-pain-in-the-ass.) The women's movement. Equality for women...did that come about because of what your own mother went through?

E: It wasn't just that. The root of poverty for a lot of people was because mothers were on their own. Women had no say in what happened in their lives. They were made to make do. Making do was scrimping at meagerness. Women are not meager. They birth the men that tell them no...they birth the boys who are given freedoms and yet these boys turn to these women that birth these men and they tell them no...you are not one of us. Do you understand?

K: Were you a feminist?

E: In some ways I suppose I was only because I said something. I spoke to many women at many rallies...did that make me a feminist? I worked for those people of inequality. There were many women in that category but there were also men and children. In some ways I portrayed the feminist image...in other ways I did not.

K: Did you fear what was ugly?

E: I did not. People were not ugly. They suffered. They endured. They required compassion.

K: When you gave aid and money and all that stuff...when you worked your hands to the bone, especially when you were suffering yourself, was it a duty for you or was it an act of compassion?

E: Are you asking me if I only did these things because I was a president's wife and I had to?

K: I guess so.

E: I had to in a sense that I had to heal a nation from the wounds that showed on my spirit from my childhood. Because I understood that suffering so it was my obligation...because I could understand it and relate to it...that I had to do my best to ease it. So I had to because of duty because in doing so, I showed compassion for myself and what I needed resolution and healing from.

K: I get that. I totally get that.

E: Thank you.

K: Do you think that you were born into that sort of poverty because you were meant to endure something that you, ultimately, were supposed to heal on a way bigger scale?

E: Yes. I could not do the work that I was doing with no knowledge about how the people, in need, lived. I couldn't. I couldn't be a part of them if I didn't understand them. It's one thing to help...it's one thing to assist. It's another to create a movement with change and to understand from a place of personal affliction creates a movement with an authentic truth...how do I put this?

K: After you live it...to fix it happens because the passion exists from a place of authenticity.

E: Yes. I agree. Thank you.

K: It's one thing to be a spokesperson for depression but if you've never suffered from depression, how could you put your voice on that.

E: Yes.

K: And it's one thing to be a voice for hungry children or those afflicted with a disease...maybe like HIV with no healthcare, but if you choose to keep your distance, how can you work on their behalf. It's one thing to look from afar but to hold a child that's dying from HIV and kiss them to make it better...it gives a whole new credibility to that.

E: Yes.

K: So I get what you're saying. You have to be a person of action and involved and engaging and really hands on.

E: Thank you.

K: But on the other hand...the way you ignored your own health for the health and wellbeing of others...I was once told that wasn't honorable. Personal experience and being given a stern talking to by he who shall not be named. That even in planes, you put your own oxygen mask on first.

E: I will admit that it became a fixation or an addiction. It was a fever and those who say such things only do it out of a deep love and concern.

K: I know.

E: Because you tend to ignore your own life.

K: Did you know how sick you were and you didn't want to face it?

E: Yes. I didn't want to face what was coming to an end so quickly. I didn't want to admit that I couldn't because from when I was a young girl, it was always my mission to...I always could. The work that I did and the people that I helped and a nation that I loved...they were my children and even a mother neglects her own health for the needs of her children.

K: At what cost though?

E: Is this your question?

K: No.

E: (laughs) It can cost a lot.

K: Eva, you didn't get cancer because of your unwillingness to rest.

E: No.

K: Did you even consider being vice-president?

E: As a title...no. I already was. I was already in that role. The people couldn't see that. They needed the title. I knew that.

K: Juan didn't tell you how sick you were. He withheld that from you but did you know?

E: Yes. He could hide the words but he could not hide the look of anguish that he did not know he had.

K: Wow. Do you think you gave too much?

E: No. I was upset I couldn't give more.

K: You are called the spiritual leader of Argentina. What did that mean to you?

E: It simply meant that I nourished the spirit of a people. This was not in a religious sense. It was in a way...some may call it the Holy Spirit. It is the flame that is connected to God and it is seen in every single human being and it is what connects humanity back to humanity on all levels. The spirit is on equal footing with everyone. I nourished the spirit of a people in a country that was beginning to be torn apart by out of date ideologies.

K: So do you think you lived what you came to do?

E: I never considered the impact of my actions. I only acted. I...I set out to do one thing...to change the circumstances of my life and I ended up changing a nation. Whether they all agreed with what I did or not is not important. It's that it happened. The enormity of it was seen in the amount of people that benefitted from the healing of my past. That is the proverbial ripple effect. When you live your life to do one thing but that one thing benefits another and another and sometimes it can't be seen. It's only after you die that you are a witness to it. I came to do what I had intended but I did much more than thought.

K: Wow. Awesome. Thank you. Your body...after you died?

E: Was a pawn in a political chess match.

K: How did that feel?

E: It didn't matter. After my death I was no longer my body.

K: Do you ever feel as if your body failed you?

E: I did. When I was sick. I was angry.

K: Was it true you had a lobotomy to help with pain.

E: No.

K: Really?

E: I said no because it's not something that I want to discuss.

K: I'm getting really mixed messages right now.

E: I did not consent.

I feel like crying. I feel like I have been betrayed.

K: No!!!!!!!!

E: A desperate man will do desperate things. That is all I will say.

K: Did it help in the way he wished it to?

E: The relief it gave was death.

K: No!!!!!!!

She's shrugging it off like she was dying anyway.

K: Okay. But still...

E: And still.

K: Why do you think that part of history is being documented now?

E: People have their stories to prove. That kind of cancer was...not well known nor was the suffering it brought. I...I tried to remain strong. He was not strong enough to watch that.

K: So your voice was taken away.

E: Yes.

K: Is that what bothered you the most?

Sits and watches me.

E: I admire your tenacity.

K: You used your voice to connect with your country. Yes?

E: Yes.

K: At times it was not...it did not fall on deaf ears...especially those ears that did not agree with your words.

E: I will agree.

K: So...

She's showing me Joan of Arc.

E: We will fight...we will battle until God takes us home. People may block our way but it does not stop a war.

K: What else could I say to that? Not much.

E: You're tenacious. I will give you that. But so am I.

K: (laughing) Okay. I concede defeat.

E: (laughing) It was a good fight.

K: Well, the effort was there for like five seconds. Is there anything else that you would like to share?

E: The world you witness now has not been defeated. It has not been lost. There are many wake-up calls taking place. They are only there as an opportunity to finally acknowledge what isn't working. Those who are brave enough to march to the beat of their own drums with the intention of healing their wounds or their hurts, can only benefit a whole. Hurts...to continuously make the decision to remain in hurt or anger will not be supported any longer. It will be loved in a way that it will cease to exist but the process of that will be much easier when a person makes a conscious decision to participate in that as well. What doesn't work, won't work no matter how hard a person tries; personally and eventually globally. Use the example of the good men and women that have been silenced to soon as a story or a dialogue that you can continue to spread on the behalf of them. I don't ask you to go to war. I ask you to continue peace. The example of a stand is not only with weapons. I agree with your friend, Cole. You are a global citizen. There is a responsibility there. I lived in Argentina. I was a citizen of Argentina. Now I support not only Argentina, but the globe...the Earth, the citizens of all countries. Borders are there but the issues remain the same. Borders can block but they will not stop a war but the definition of war has changed. They called me a spiritual leader. The war is an uprising of the spirit. As St. Francis has told you, the flames of the individual will come together as a fire. This is the idea of being a global citizen of Earth. St. Francis was an example of finding enlightenment as a hermit. Now enlightenment happens as one's light touches another and that person touches another. It's an uprising of greater proportions than aiming a gun.

K I can definitely see why you were so engaging. You're pulling me in for sure. And I get that. I've had many talks with Francis. Thank you for bringing him up.

E: As I've said, take the example of the good men and women before you.

K: Touché. (She's reading my mind.)

E: It's not only those of your recent past. It's far reaching; back to the times Sumer and Babylon.

K: Well, that's a whole other chat.

E: Yes. I agree.

K: Okey doke. Thank you for coming in this morning. I hope I've given you some sort of chance to say things that maybe you weren't able to before.

E: (winks) Some. As you know...I have trouble holding back.

K: Me too.

E: Good.

K: Thank you, Eva.

E: Thank you. Now I will not continue to play that song in your head.

K: What did you think of Madonna portraying you?

E: (smiles in a sneaky way) We are cut from the same cloth. It was perfect.

K: Good to know. Although...

E: Goodness no. (laughing) Bras are meant to be worn under clothes.

K: Yeah.

E: Yes.

Looking at each other smirking with inside jokes.

Grayson Speaks on Intimacy & Touch

Intimacy is one of these topics that not everyone is fully comfortable with or they automatically think that it's something that leads to or is only sexual. Well, that's all well and good but being intimate can be between a couple, friends, parents to their children...all these things have the potential for intimacy. Intimacy is one of these things that someone, like me, would call sacred. In these intimate moments, it's pretty much showing how vulnerable you can be or allow yourself to be without the hang ups of what it looks like to the one you're being intimate with or the world around you. In all honesty, it's easier to watch an intimate moment between parent and child than it is between lovers. It seems easier to watch a moment between parent and child or best friends than it is between couples. There's a term I find quite funny. It's PDA (Public Displays of Affection). With those who are completely wrapped up in each other, outsiders feel a little uncomfortable or try not to stare. Have you ever seen it? The public displays of intimacy seem to spread from these people outwards to whoever crosses their path. Some smile. Some glare. Some linger just to feel a part of something that they used to receive...little old ladies who still dream of intimacy that seemed to stop a long time ago. Some people curl up into themselves feeling self-conscious or uncomfortable. Maybe it's something they wish they had or maybe it's something they can't seem to give because it's just too uncomfortable to bare all or show their spots...scars of who they are and have it accepted as just what it is...them.

Yes...intimacy is being comfortable with being vulnerable and showing all of your colors while accepting and choosing to say yes to the colors of someone else...with no reservation. Intimacy is like shedding light on all the pieces of you that are normally kept in the dark, and it's really not something you can fake or pretend. When you shine a light on all the spaces you would rather stay dark, you shy away from accepting the light that others want to share with only you. That's the uncomfortable.

Intimate moments are infused with contact, the biggest being touch and eye. Intimacy is a willingness to be honest with the other person and quite frankly, if you're not willing to look someone in their eye with the softness of acceptance, you're not willing to be honest with them and the light of their stare will shine on all of your shadows and you will look away to keep hiding. Intimacy is a learning process for some. It's learning to trust the contact of someone that just wants to get close to you to share...who they are and trust that you will accept them only as they are.

Willing to be intimate is the need or the want to feel wanted and share that with someone who is lucky enough to accept that. People want to feel wanted and when they feel wanted, they want to express that and give those feelings of want back to the special someone they care the most about. Not having those feelings of want reciprocated...well that is leading into neglect and I'll get into that.

Intimacy can be an overwhelming feeling in a quiet second, minute or hour of someone's life. Part of the goal in life is to experience the quiet trusting love in anything. It's also one of these goals that is judged the most because of the expectations of yourself, another or the world around you.

Culture to culture, intimacy is expressed freely or in the privacy of a certain space. Intimacy can be easier for a woman than a man because women seem to be more comfortable with intimate expression but, in saying that, the men that had that positive feminine role model can express what they've been taught should be easy.

When someone begs for intimacy, it is a desire to receive what they never felt they did...probably since childhood but at the same time, the beggar can't receive it in all its vulnerability and truth because they have the expectation of what intimacy is which usually boils down to the end result of sex...between couples that is. Intimacy is actually the foreplay between lovers before the act of sex and intimacy is a foreplay that can last all day with a look, a touch, a hug, a longing stare...and so on. Intimacy is not the physical act of sex. It is in the everyday of a relationship and it's something that is built on and continues in a perpetual forward motion.

It can be lost and it takes a very strong relationship to bounce back from a lie, an argument, secrets uncovered, insult...a sudden break in what a person thought was but is no longer. How is it possible to get intimacy back after the ground has been torn away from any kind of relationship? How can you allow yourself to be vulnerable again after some sort of trust has been broken? Because remember...intimacy is about trusting the space and the person you were once allowing yourself to be vulnerable with...you allowed to see your colors.

Again, it takes want. It takes that desire to tell someone they are still wanted or that they are trusted again to be able to say I want you or I want you back. It's effort; it's effort to the 100th degree and sometimes one is willing 100% while the other is only willing to meet them at 65% because the want...that desire has been shut away by something they can't seem to get past.

So here's the question...if someone has wronged you, either in one moment or over time, are you willing to move past, move forward and knowing the history between the two of you, come to a moment of intimate reflection and forgiveness and act upon that as a building block or a cornerstone of your rebuild? Just so you're aware, to come back to intimacy that answer must be a 100% yes. In that 100% yes, you're willing to make the effort and do the work and come out on top. If not, the time to be honest, courageous and vulnerable enough to move on from this moment is the honorable thing to do. If you are only bringing 65% of yourself, as an example, and you can't seem to get that 35% of what another deserves in any intimate connection...it's time to love them enough to let them go so they can find that with another. Everyone has a right to 100%. That's true love in expression.

Intimate relationships are the ones that teach us the most about who we are and what we need to feel fulfilled, comforted and safe. Humans crave to give this. Humans crave to receive this. Humans crave safety in intimate and vulnerable love.

It doesn't seem to be a safe place. For some it seems pretty risky to fall that deep and that hard but why? What happened to someone to make them fear intimate connection on any level...with any other person? Intimacy is a learned behavior. If there wasn't that example as they grew to experience the world, it will be a very difficult thing to give and receive. It must be learned and there are teachers but even the teacher need to be on the receiving end too.

Intimacy is a powerful statement of love. It is a state of full acceptance. It's a place of no borders or walls to climb or build. Intimacy isn't a hiding place. It's not a place of fear or shame. It's a place of quite expression of all a person is in those secret places not necessarily meant for all...only a few. Again...trust. Does a person trust enough to allow it?

I spoke about touch. Cory had spoken about holding a person's hand. There is intimacy there. When a parent goes to their child and strokes or pats their head...there's intimacy there. When a friend is unburdening their hard times and the listener takes their hands and gives them a squeeze...there's intimacy there. When busy parents stop in the hall of their home before playing referee between the kids and they give each other a kiss...there's intimacy there. It says, "we got this together". When someone leans their head on the shoulder of one beside them, when someone takes another's hand while watching television, while staring at each other from across the room, while having open dialogue while looking into the eyes...all of these things have intimacy there but I want to talk a little bit about touch.

Humans crave touch. They crave to feel another's touch in a way that says comfort, security, honesty, availability, support. Touch...a simple touch says all of this and more. Sometimes people have to consciously practice touching another because the borders around them have been built so thick but they still want to try. Not all parents have an easy time with taking their child into a hug. Sometimes it's easier for a parent to strike instead of comfort so in these terms...intimacy is a very difficult thing to learn or even want because when touch is used with force and pain...the brain connects this understanding that touch will always elicit force and pain and it takes a strong person to reverse those mindsets. It's a very damaging cycle. I like to call them soldiers; the ones who are willing to break these destructive patterns. So, are you okay with touch? Are you okay with holding someone close or taking a hand and squeezing it or stroking someone's hair as the sit or lay beside you. Are you okay with grabbing a hand in a public place as a statement of your personal connection to someone or your willingness to keep them safe or is it easier to curl up into the shadow of your worry about perception and comparing? If touch feels more like a repulsive state than an accepting one...can you be honest with someone and tell them please don't and this is why. There needs to be a dialogue of why because when one is willing to offer touch with love and intimacy and it's refused...they feel neglect. Especially when there's no explanation. It's a feeling of abandonment and hurt and it touches the inner child of someone something fierce.

Neglect. Neglect can happen because another doesn't want to be bothered or doesn't have the courage to admit that they don't want something or someone anymore. The have lost any sort of connection and instead of making an honest effort to repair or an honest statement that whatever it is...it's not wanted anymore...they turn away and begin to neglect what needs to be faced. Intimacy is being able to face truth in all its beauty and all its ugliness and for those that a person has been intimate with...in all ways...truth in any fashion is a requirement of love. When you neglect another, you neglect a part of you as well and it can show up in shame or guilt...resentments...irritation which can cause blame...maybe a little bit of projection. See...intimacy in its softness can create some extremes because in that softness lives intensity. Think of a touch that sends shivers up a spine or down the arm. It can elicit some pretty intense feelings, right? That's my point. That's intimacy induced by touch and when a skin reacts, it's opening that person to show their colors. Colors love expression but with neglect...doesn't matter who it is...the colors are suppressed. They don't like that. That's the shadow. That's the door closing and throwing away the key.

You know, I heard about these people that cuddle for a living. People pay other people...not for sex...but to cuddle them and hold them. They feel they can be more intimate with a stranger than someone they know. They go to these people because they want to open themselves up and they're brave enough to go to someone completely unknown because those people that don't know them...can't judge them. It's a place of freedom that they can't seem to find in their personal lives and yet...they are brave enough to learn about intimacy, from a stranger, to feel something good which will, ultimately, better their lives. I think that's someone special. It's called going out on a limb. No one has to talk but eventually talking happens. It has to. A cuddle elicits a place of safety where one can be comfortable enough to even say thank you. People go for massages. Not just for the health benefits but because they just want the touch. They want that connection from someone. They just want an energy exchange of some sort. So they go for a massage. People volunteer to cuddle little babies in the hospital when the parents can't. They hold them to their bare chest as a substitute for someone that can't get there at that moment to do it. And these volunteers sing to the child. They whisper to the child. They stroke the head of the infant...things like this all to receive and get back that connection...that intimacy. It lives in so many areas of life. It's a powerful force. It's a driving force of nurturing. What about that...wow. Nurture and be nurtured and through that welcome wholeness...oneness...togetherness...connection. Crave and be craved.

Let your guard down. Shine your light...reveal all of who you are because from this view, I like what I see.

Grayson.

Conversations with Malcolm X

I'm not particularly fond of talking about segregation, race, black, white, Christian, Jewish, Islam, Russia, North Korea and so on but these are the things in our lives that we are influenced by or we believe or that we practice or what have you. I remember the exact moment this man came in. I was half awake half asleep and I had just finished saying goodnight to spirit when I saw him so clearly. He smiled and put his hands in his pockets and just waited. I thought he was on the same humanity train as Martin Luther King Jr. and while it ended up to be that way, he really wasn't. He was extreme. I didn't agree with his message and I called him on some of it. Of course, when he died, he totally flipped his coin and started speaking of unity but it wasn't always that way. I try to keep these conversations in line with attention spans but I'm pretty sure this could have gone on and on as sort of a discussion/argument/exchange of words with a handshake at the end of the party. It did end in a handshake. He's very magnetic. I tried to stay toe to toe which I think he appreciated. My goal is to remain impartial to any side. I'm just a questioner and a messenger. That's not always easy. He was a shit disturber and, let's be real, so am I. That being said, here is my conversation with Malcolm X.

M: I'm very happy that you've decided to take my call. Very happy.

K: Yeah. I'm sorry, I don't know a lot about you but when I saw you come in, I had to look in a little bit just to know what to ask and I gathered assumptions that just really smacked me across the face.

M: Yes. I know. I had a lot of people assume a lot about me and depending on what you looked like, it went in a lot of different directions.

K: I was thinking to myself, yesterday, that you're a paradox to me. And it was the first word that came into my mind. Just because...you wanted equality, I guess?

M: I wanted equality for my fellow black man. I did not want equality for the white man. Not at first. It was only when I realized the fault of my ways...before I died that I relented and spoke about how a nation...how countries can come together equally without looking at what color the skin was. At first, I raged and I raged against groups that I found unfair and unjust and I matched an angry mob with anger.

K: But you had...your Nation of Islam...your message resonated with many of them and it grew. You were...it seemed...building a nation.

M: I had a vested interest in building a nation that could take back what I felt was stolen.

K: But at the same time, your means to do that was by any means possible, even if violent.

M: Yes.

K: So I don't believe that you were preaching to solidify a nation. I feel like you were preaching to keep an already struggling nation, or country, apart...divided, I guess.

M: Yes.

K: Would you consider that active in the civil rights movement?

M: It was active in the rights that I considered important as a black man and a black man that had to fight for any sort of footing. I was a black man in America and at that time...a black man held no respect. We were abused and spit on. We were mocked and we were killed. They killed black men in the name of a white nation. So, in my mind, (motions to his chest) I could do the same thing.

K: What could a country or a nation get out of retaliation and not unification?

M: Power.

K: And is that what you were after. Ultimately, did you want power so you could run this "state" that was the hope of the Nation of Islam.

M: I had that.

K: Why do you think you had that?

M: Because I was smart. I was cunning and I knew how to use that in my speeches to convince and I had passion and when a man had passion in his convictions...whatever they were...they must be believed because that passion spreads as excitement to those who need the excitement in their lives.

K: Do you feel that you were brainwashed by these ideals? When you were introduced to them? Did they fill some sort of void of confusion for you or did they validate your anger?

M: (smiles and nods) Alright alright. (claps his hands and rubs them together) I heard about you. (points to me)

K: I'm sure you did.

M: Yeah. This is good. Let's get if off our chests.

K: Well then?

M: It validated my anger and I had people willing to fuel that as they backed me up.

K: And you were fueled as the crowds grew.

M: I was on fire.

K: Interesting.

M: Doesn't anyone? If you get a round of applause...doesn't that make the performer continue, no matter what they're doing...if it's good or it's bad or it's right or it's wrong. Doesn't that make any performer continue doing what they believe to be their best show?

K: Yeah. I would consider that feeding the ego though.

M: Oh yes. Yes. It did. Any person that gets joy from...a good review or an applause or a thumbs up, when it's a show, it makes the performer go on.

K: Did you feel like you were putting on a show?

M: In the beginning, I was a show. I loved the show. I believed in my show. I had a fire in me and that fire...even though I thought it was a passion...that fire was rage. I mistook the two. I made them equal in the eyes of a following that, to some extent wanted sight from someone else's eyes.

K: Let's start when you were a boy. You moved a lot.

M: From fear and for the safety of his children, we were moved.

K: Do you feel that your father was the target...for some reason...anywhere he went, he was the target of heavy racial abuse.

M: Yes. Yes. I do feel he was a target.

K: Was he an outspoken man?

M: Yes. I feel I got that from him.

K: So if your father felt that things were unfair or that he was treated unfairly, he would voice it?

M: Yes.

K: And in those days, that just didn't fly.

M: No. It didn't. It did not.

K: Did you fear for your father's life? Did you believe...the way your family was targeted...did you believe something would happen?

M: It was a fear of mine. It was a fear that I would be burned down with my house. I detest the smell of flame.

K: That's sort of ironic seeing as how you said you were on fire.

M: (chuckles) But I did not burn down. I burned brightly.

K: You knew, when they found your father, you knew he was murdered.

M: I knew.

K: And when your family was left without money...

M: Could a black man ever get what was owed to him? Could a black man ever find equality...even in death when the man is gone and there is a family to look after? They didn't see that. What they saw was a black man on the tracks and what they saw was a mess to clean up that was not theirs. What they saw was and excuse...an easy excuse to get out of a contract because they were white and they could. White men made the decision to leave a black family with barely any means of survival because we were easily swept away. We were flies to be swatted at. That was the mentality.

K: But Malcolm, did you really see that everywhere you went or did that become your focus?

M: (thinks) It became my focus.

K: Did you blame the white people for your mother's mental state?

M: My mother's mental state was directly linked to the death of my father.

K: Was it really though? Could it be possible that your mother's mental state could also be linked to basically feeling like she was running for many years, trying to keep her head low while being hunted by racism?

M: And my father's death was only a tipping point?

K: Yeah, I mean...you guys really did live those early years running for peace; for a way to just live and at every turn it seemed that it didn't last long. So your mother's mental health...could that have been a compounded thing and your father's death just made her fear so huge that she couldn't cope?

M: I see your point but I do raise you that it still does not change the fact that it was because of racism...of how we were treated as the supposed minority in a country that was my home...that that happened. If you're saying that my mother's mental state was compounded from all of this...all of this, in my mind, was done by the white people to the blacks.

K: I get that. I totally get that. I'm just asking.

M: I appreciate it. I do.

K: You were great in school You were a smart kid.

M: Thank you.

K: I don't know. It's just what I read but seeing how you were followed and listened to, I believe it.

M: Thank you.

K: Was it really law that you wanted to go into?

M: I wanted to be in a position where I could create laws and a government that would give hope to a black community. Even then, I wanted to make a change. Before my anger grew I wanted to be a part of a plan that would have a black man in government to be able to fight for rights of a black community.

K: And you thought law would be a way to do that?

M: I did.

K: But in law, isn't it pertinent to be able to see all sides?

M: In government or law, they are able to see both sides but they still fight for the side they are on.

K: Which is why it can get pretty fucked up.

M: (laughs) Is it fucked up?

K: Little bit.

M: I agree. It's fucked up.

K: (laughs) How did you feel when a teacher...who obviously knew how smart you were or are...sorry, death is just a change of clothes to me. I apologize.

M: No offense taken.

K: Did that feel like she stripped away that last bit of...control isn't really the best word but it's what came to mind.

M: She stripped away my last hope of becoming someone that could make change at that time. I wanted attention to make change and now, with my dream of being part of law...I retaliated. I threw my hands up and I walked away from my schooling. Why? Why bother if I was told that I wouldn't amount to anything? Why bother when I could only do a job that wouldn't support nothin' but a meager living for myself? I reacted and I turned away from educating myself forgetting that if I had not walked away from my schooling that I would have...knowledge is power. When a child hears anything from a teacher that strips that power away, they feel disillusioned, not understanding that no one can take away your mind. No one. But a child forgets that quickly. If I had stayed and proven something, I could have been that lawyer or that politician but I reacted because by then...after my daddy passed away, my fuse was lit.

K: And so the members of the Nation of Islam that you were introduced to through your family when you were incarcerated...

M: My family told me about them. They were so...they had life behind their eyes when they spoke of a group of individuals that actually supported them...emotionally and validated everything that they were feeling. Looking at it now, they...the family was lost and just looking for direction and they were vulnerable to the ideas of any group that made sense to their broken hearts and souls.

K: It's like...and I'm not calling this Nation of Islam this at all. I don't even know what it's about but it's sort of that cult mentality where cult members will talk to people or convince people at the level of a person's sorrow or lack or vulnerability...maybe even where they lack that self-esteem or confidence.

M: Yes.

K: But it spoke to you, these ideals.

M: Absolutely. I felt...I gained power back by being told that the color of my skin...it was superior and it was power and it was something that...the forces could join and make one hell of a powerful nation. That excited me because within that nation...for me, there was a sense of peace knowing that no one could touch me. No one could abuse me. No one could come close to ever hurting me or my people again and this is what I wanted to honor and it's the the message that I wanted to spread and that message struck a chord in so many because they were feeling, through all of these acts of violence and racism...they were feeling that as well.

K: But in your preaching...you preached tit for tat.

M: They (white people) were allowed to use violence.

K: It wasn't allowed.

M: But it was allowed. When people turn away and forget they ever saw anything because they might get themselves into some sort of danger...it was allowed. When you see bodies hangin' like fruit off trees and no one even cuts them down...that's allowed.

Billie Holiday's song Strange Fruit is playing in my head. So much pain and emotional suffering just came all over my body.

M: That was seen and allowed. It was covered up. My father's body on tracks...mutilated...looked over as an accident...that was allowed.

K: I'm not making excuses nor am I saying any of those acts were okay. They were vile and disgusting and it angers me that it continues today. I will not justify that but, Malcolm, there is no way that I can fix what you saw.

M: I understand. You sharing my feelings and my thoughts, in a way, fix that.

K: And honestly, this whole world, not just the U.S., but this whole world is still trying to fix because race or religion continues to be this problem that needs to be fixed. That's not okay with me and never will be when we, as societies, continue to create segregation with beliefs that were started on the basis of love and acceptance. And to me, love and acceptance were never problems to be fixed. It was the ideologies that people took from these that made rules around something that is unconditional.

M: My my my. You are...you fight with a fighter.

K: But here's the thing, I never needed segregation to fight for some sort of unification when I see humanity as a whole. You, on the other hand, only saw in black and white.

M: Many people saw in black and white in those days and continue to do so. Many people are color blind until they see the light.

K: And we'll get to that.

M: Can't wait.

K: So, in the sense of tit for tat, you wanted African Americans to be free using...if they have to...violence.

M: Yes. Because I saw...in my mind and the way I thought, if it was okay for white supremacist to use violence...we could. It...I was creating a war. I was okay with a war. I was growing an army.

K: Did you believe it could come to that? Another civil war but instead of north and south, it was the black and white nations of the same bloody nation?

M: It was already happening. So many people were rising up. It wasn't just with the Nation of Islam. There were more groups than us.

K: Let's talk Martin Luther King Jr.

M: Let's talk.

K: I believe he would say he was appalled at your behavior.

M: He was not...(smiles) he was not impressed with my willingness to match violence with violence. He felt that the world could be changed with peaceful protest. He had anger but he allowed it to fuel...he allowed it to fuel peace and unity between the black and white people of America and of the world. And he gained much respect, that way, from both sides.

K: He did.

M: We did not see eye to eye on a lot of things. I felt he was a coward.

K: And now?

M: We had the same wish. We wanted the black people of our nation to have rights and to be respected and listened to. But he wanted unity where I thought power was very one sided and could be won while continuing to preach segregation.

K: Did it ever occur to you that because you had such a magnetic presence that if you joined forces with Martin Luther King Jr....there was more power there with the both of you than what you were doing?

M: I did. Very late did I understand just what he was tellin' people.

K: If you had not angered those that felt that you turned your back on them...would you have lived a longer life?

M: Yes.

K: Was it just because you walked away from them or was it because...you sort of stepped into your father's shoes about being outspoken only this time it was about the Nation of Islam and not the white people...and now you were protecting your own life and your family's from their threats.

M: It was a full circle moment.

K: No kidding. But I mean...you gave a lot of yourself to this group. But you also embarrassed them a little bit when Joh F. Kennedy died. Were you trying to be insensitive about that? The whole country was gutted with that man's death? Why were you an ass about it?

M: Because I pointed my finger at him believing him to be a part of the problem. I was very disillusioned by my anger. I saw guilt where there was innocence and I did not think before speaking. I spoke and the words that came out of my mouth, I believed but I also knew that I had overstepped. It's one thing to speak and have people cheer. It's quite another when you get so comfortable speaking and having anything be allowed to people being taken back and insulted...it was the flip of the coin and it happened quickly.

K: You sort of had the floor yanked from under you when you found out about your leader's indiscretions.

M: Is that what you call it?

K: I'm being polite. I haven't talked to him so I'm just asking. No pointed fingers.

M: (smiles) My beliefs in a nation...in a person I held in such high regard...higher than my own president, obviously...it threw me into a state of panic. Like school...as if my teacher said I would go nowhere in life but labor...it was the same thing. I reacted. But I needed to find solace because after that...I gave my all. I spoke from my very soul about what they showed me was right...for me and for so many...it was as if a large part of me had died and I had no idea who I was anymore. What was I fighting for? It was a lie. The beliefs...I held close. The group...it's like when someone leaves a religion or a church, they still believe in the faith but the people have left a bad taste in the mouth. It was that for me. I still believed...I still had faith but the church...the nation...the organization...I had many questions about my place in that after I was blindsided.

K: Did you feel as if you were made a fool of?

M: Yes. I did. I was speaking on behalf of a man that was a liar.

K: About everything?

M: I felt that he used his power to gain special favor and exception from the rules.

K: And you didn't? (want special favor or exception)

M: Not with my faith. I never exempted myself from my faith in Islam and what that meant in how I lived my life.

K: So his lifestyle choices left you questioning?

M: His lifestyle choices were completely opposite of what he was a face for.

K: Yeah. I get that. Like priests or ministers that use that power to take advantage.

M: Yes. It broke my heart and cracked my soul.

K: And so you went in search of answers at the root. You traveled to the birth place.

M: I did. I found so much there that I had purposely blinded myself to.

K: Did you feel like a fool?

M: I had a moment that I felt I needed to apologize to thousands but first I needed to apologize and forgive myself which was not an easy thing to do because I had to look in the mirror and own up to my wrongs without justifying them or have an excuse. I had to own up to my actions that were my own that created such anger and animosity. It was a humbling time but in that time, I felt that I was being supported to make a change. I was being supported to be honest with myself about...what this really was about for me? Was it really about segregation? I saw Dr. King in my mind. I saw the difference. I saw that the beliefs of Islam were rooted in peace and love. I saw how things could get so messed up. I saw. This is when I no longer saw black and white. This is when I saw color. For the first time...a color blind man sees the light...it brings tears to the eyes and makes a man squint because it is so bright. It is an epiphany of sorts when you begin to understand...life, humanity and what could be in the ways that my faith defined it. I was not the definition of my faith. I was the definition of a group. I wanted to define my faith with the actions that aligned with it and not the actions of a people who remained color blind.

K: Did you think that they remained color blind?

M: I was killed for their lack of sight.

K: Is that what you believe?

M: I became a powerful man under their influence. I now saw things differently and because of the power that I held and the way I could direct and talk to a crowd and have them see things my way...I was a danger. I was very influential and people were tired of anger and hate. What do you think could happen if a man like me, who was now in a position to be honest and show a world what could happen when one repents and joins rather than fights and remains apart...the organization...as it was, had the potential to crumble under the weight of truth...of full sight.

K: That is a huge change from start to finish. Like...HUGE. Did you know how huge that 180 turn was.

M: Very big but I also had the added weight of apologizing, of telling so many people that I was wrong and that I now saw what Dr. King Jr. saw. I had much respect for his message when I knew better.

K: Did you consider yourself an extremist or a radical?

M: Both. When you talk about those two words in the context of what I spoke about before my awakening of the spirit...of the soul, there was no less than or more than. They both held the same weight of destruction.

K: Because your change of heart was so close to your death...did it fall flat?

M: It didn't matter. What mattered was that I was one of these extreme examples that a person can be wrong and could be honest about that and speak about that while promoting a different message. That's what's remembered the most. That's what takes everyone by surprise. Is that fact that at one moment...a heart can change...a mind can change and see the world in a very different view. In one fine...or in my case...final moment.

K: Yeah. I mean, here you were promoting a violent war and it just switched to, America is the first country...that can actually have a bloodless revolution. How did it feel to say something like that...so different?

M: Very freeing. I was no longer a prisoner of my anger.

K: Wow. Just wow. I'm like...I want to give that a standing ovation.

M: (smiling) Like a breath of fresh air.

K: It totally is. I mean, when we first met, I told Paul last night that it felt like Tupac. When he came in it was just full on separate justification about black supremacy and all of that and by the end is was just about brotherhood. It just amazes me how fast or quickly things can change and we don't give that enough credit because we tend not to be able to believe that people can change that quickly. We need proof.

M: Yes and when a person changes those extremes so quickly...people who are left with their mouths hanging open or scratching their heads...they deserve that proof because it's now about what the people need to be able to trust this reformed person.

K: (nods) That makes total sense. Can I trust you. Have you spoken to Dr. King?

M: (nods) I have. We had parts to play and each of our parts described...very differently...how to unite a country. We were very different. There are times where in those time frames you have people that play off of each other while, in the end, coming together with like minds. That could be in death. That could be in life. Tupac had Biggie. Jesus had Judas. You know...I had Martin Luther. There are people that play two sides to show that ultimately...there are no sides. There are just parts to play to create a story that changes history. We danced steps that changed history and that created conversations about what humanity would like the world to look like. What can be changed from our stories and what can be kept the same and what was the purpose to the wars and what created that better outcome that we all want and need?

K: I can't believe you put Jesus and Judas together.

M: You've spoken with them. You know they agreed to those roles.

K: I know but having Jesus and Judas right in there with Tupac and Biggie?

M: Here...it's all good.

K: I know. Every time I speak to Spirit and get to know them...I always try to withhold judgement because I just want to learn their stories and I want to know them as the person they are now. I just get...when you put me in the place of such narrow minded thinking...I get irritable. Because I see it and I feel it and it's just...it feels like nothing fucking changes. Through time there's still the same crap to dig ourselves out of and really, aren't we past this?

M: Are we? Worldwide or nationally, are we past it?

K: No. Some days I think we mostly are but when I look at the President or leaders of different countries...it's just this perpetuation of these old ideals which I feel the majority of humanity is just really done with.

M: Yes.

K: So why do some agree with these beliefs of power through separation?

M: Because it creates a family...possibly a family that one hasn't experienced. It gives power to vulnerability. It's happened to me. Would I call it brainwashing? I don't know. I think it could be. But I think that people need to believe in something that makes all their hurt and anger okay...it makes it bearable and it validates it as okay. Instead of healing it...it's preyed on.

K: Yeah. (chuckling) My brother wore a ball cap with an X on it and I wondered what it was and he spoke about you and at that time he was listening to Tupac and very "black" (finger quote) music because of Tupac's message. I mean...even Tupac had said that to me...

M: Yes.

K: I was under the assumption that your message was the same as Dr. King's. And I always saw you in that light and the messages in rap music...I saw in that light. As a kid, I didn't realize that some messages were of rising up by any means possible. And I think that kids are influential to that stuff. Looking back, I sort of laugh a little bit about realizing how influential kids can be with messages in music or speeches or...free speech is granted but how one uses that...it's so important.

M: It is. It truly is. Very much so.

K: Still listen to rap music. I really like Tupac. When I do, it's like, full volume and I tend to speed. It gets me going. The energy of some of that really gets me going.

M: But the message?

K: I take it with a grain of salt. I mean, you're talking to someone who's dirty little secret is listening to UK boy bands.

M: (grins) Oh my. Well, you're a very well-rounded individual.

K: I try. Thank you, Malcolm. Thank you for your message. Thank you for coming to see me.

M: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I respect you and I respect what you're trying to do. It is a great undertaking but one that I can fully support because I understand the importance of it. It's just on a very large scale.

K: It is. Mentally, though, it won't work.

M: No. But with faith...it will.

K: Thank you.

M: Thank you. I hope to see you again.

K: You are always welcome. I'll see your hope and raise you a for sure.

M: I'll take that bet. Have a good afternoon. Many blessings.

K: Thank you. Take care.

M: Bye.

Wow.

Conversations with Amy Winehouse

She has been channeled by so many people I didn't know what would be different about this time but she seemed very willing to do it so I visited. I was listening to my play list at dinner and one of her songs came on and instead of hearing it from a speaker, I was hearing her sing it as if she was at my table. I didn't think I would have time to channel her but it was like time was carved out and even though I had to go and come back, it's like it was just this ongoing talk with no pauses. Her energy was very easy to follow and pick up on. She was a little wistful and gave off this air of what if. What if people...yadda yadda. Some of her answers I wasn't expecting. It seemed like she, sometimes, purposely hid herself away. Anyway, I appreciated her candor. She looked really healthy and alive. It was like she was fully healed...how could she not be, right? Here is my conversation with Amy Winehouse.

K: I have to say that I'm pretty confused.

A: Why?

K: Because you've been channeled and interviewed so many times since your death and I'm not completely sure that this is what you want to do again?

A: It's always something that I like to do. I don't think that my life as Amy was completely understood or...it was boiled down to one aspect of my life that just really stood out and life should never be boiled down to one aspect of a person. I think that the questions that are always asked pertain to that darker image of me and I know you'll probably ask that of me too but underneath all of that was a brilliant light and it's the light that's more often ignored from a person when the dark or the shadow is very present or seen.

K: Well, I probably will get into things. I mean that's what I do but you are right. I mean, a person's demons are highlighted a lot. Is that what we're supposed to learn from? People's demons/struggles?

A: Of course but to a point. It's because in some way, I think people want to experience that through what another person went through or they want the pity that they feel for the other person to be justified. But when looking at the shadows or the...struggle that people go through, all that stuff can't be justified as an excuse for me to do what I did. I can't justify all that sorrow into one reason why. There are lots of different reasons but because people's focus is so drawn to only one or the other, it's hard to see beyond that.

K: I think that's the same with even humans watching humans or just facing our personal assumptions about another. It's because we focus on just that one aspect of them that gives us an excuse to feel sorry for or to have pity for or gives us a reason to stay angry with. It's that focus on that one behavior.

A: Exactly, the behavior so the person or what's underneath all of that other crazy shit is ignored as people brainwash themselves into believing that it's the behavior of a person that makes them. To an extent, of course, that's true. It has to be but underneath all of that is a whole different side that the person, struggling, is. They are different than their struggles. I was different than my struggles but because my struggles were the focus, people, to this day, lost sight of who I was. I don't even know if they ever knew who I was.

K: Did you?

A: Sometimes.

K: Did you lose sight of who you were through that behavior?

A: I did. I really really did. I needed someone to say who I was and then I could be that.

K: So you needed permission. But on the outside, or what people saw, you seemed to be this renegade.

A: I was influenced. My...people in my circle were very influential and as much as I knew what I was drawn to, I was also drawn to people who really seemed to know who they were and what they wanted. I wanted that courage too but it wasn't until I was in that inner circle that I knew what gave that courage to them.

K: Drugs and alcohol?

A: Yeah. I mean, when you first meet a person, you don't know they're an addict. And when you first party with them, you still don't know. They just offer a good time and one hit won't make you an addict. At first, I liked that I could be like them. I could be focused and direct and brave and courageous and say what I needed to say and do what I needed to do with what and how I wanted. I thought that drugs or alcohol gave me this ability to just come out of my fears or my lack of confidence. I didn't realize it was fake or it wasn't real. I just thought all of that (substances) got rid of what I didn't like about myself to uncover what I did like about myself. It was...opposite. It hid those special things about me or that I liked about me, deeper and sort of took over. Like, okay, so drugs are like the overbearing parent right? And this kid...this little girl is just trying to be herself because she believes she's pretty cool or she thinks she could be cool. But this overbearing parent has other ideas and to just make them shut up, this little girl acts that out until it just becomes a part of her and you forget that little girl that had that individuality and life about her...she just gets buried in what that parent wants. That parent is the alcohol and drugs. It's a different...personality.

K: Interesting way to look at it for sure.

A: And then you just get numb to it all and there are all these blurred lines.

K: What's real and what's not.

A: Yeah. And when you get a hint of what's real, it doesn't feel good enough anymore so you keep that secret hidden away.

K: The true you.

A: The true me.

K: Did you ever know the true you?

A: Um...before it got crazy I did. I think that even when I was a girl and tried to be just who I was, school or...people around just couldn't understand. My dad really understood me. My Gran understood me. They encouraged me but sometimes I just thought they had to be encouraging because that was the job of family; the duty. I sort of convinced myself that they weren't being truthful with me so I started to branch out and try to find that truth about me from others. It was a really fucked up mentality because the ones that knew me best...I failed to listen to believing they had to be on my side. It was their obligation...I thought.

K: That's so interesting to me that the ones that would be the most comforting or the most supportive... you believed it was only because they had to.

A: Yeah. Weird.

K: Very. But I get it. It's just about validation from the people that don't' know you that sometimes we crave because it's maybe new or we just want to be loved and accepted from something different than what we've known instead of what's always been. New...whatever, people, places...whatever; it always seems better than what you already have and know.

A: Isn't that, like, so confusing?

K: It is. I get it though. Did you feel like you needed to run away from something? Escape?

A: The more I look on it, the more I feel that I wasn't necessarily looking for an escape. I think I was trying to run towards something. I was always looking for something to run to or chase. I was always chasing something. I like that better.

K: Do you feel you ever caught it or caught up to what that was?

A: In terms of career...it was never the career that I was chasing. It was always people. I chased people because I wanted to feel loved or wanted.

K: You're showing me the ugly duckling.

A: It's how I felt about myself for a long time. Whenever someone made me feel important or cool or whatever, I was attracted to that and I'd follow. Whatever they were into was okay because they accepted me. I was beautiful then.

K: Your dark or your demons that you felt everyone was focused on...was that because of people or fame?

A: People made your fame didn't they?

K: But you chased?

A: It wasn't the crowds that I wanted the love from. It was easy for me to perform because to me...the fans or the people that came to see me...I already had that mass approval. I had the love and approval from family. It was the one on one from strangers or new faces...introductions that I really needed to feel acceptance from. It wasn't from a shy place. It was from a place of please love me or if I fuck this up, they won't like me or they won't love me or they won't call me.

K: How many times did you look at your phone in a day?

A: If I was alone...all the time.

K: Anxious?

A: Yes.

K: I've talked to many addicts in spirit and they all have this sort of theme of feeling alone or numb or just needing something to fill a hole of some sort. Is that the same for you? You talked about feeling the need to escape. Was it a combo of all these things?

A: Um...yeah. I mean all those things but you know when someone's really small and skinny and they wear baggy clothes to hide it because if you're too thin, it's something to be shameful of...but you aren't' doing it on purpose...just people, again, make a lot of assumptions.

K: Yes. I had a friend that just couldn't put weight on and she was teased.

A: So that hiding under baggy clothes, thinking that it would make you appear larger or bigger than what you are...

K: Yes.

A: Those clothes were my substance abuse addictions. Who I was, was totally okay. That girl...that light under all of that...it was okay to be that but I felt shame so I covered up.

K: Shame for?

A: I don't know. I couldn't pinpoint it. I really just felt different. I didn't feel like I really fit in even though I really tried. But my try was always because of some sort of outside influence.

K: You're showing me multiple personalities.

A: Yes.

K: But you didn't have that as a diagnosis.

A: No. My multiple personalities were...because I was hanging out with this person, this is how I had to be and if I was with this person, than I had to be that. And if I was stoned or drunk...I was this.

K: Do you ever consider yourself the innovative voice or person that we considered you as, watching you or listening to you? Did you ever consider yourself this amazing original piece of wonderful that we all believed you to be?

A: Wow. Really? Wow.

K: Sure. I'm sure you know that now but when you lived?

A: I took a lot of that for granted. The big ocean of people...the group of 50...that wasn't scary for me. When I did my thing, they were all a blur. I didn't see out there (using her hands to push in an outward direction) because that group was so out of reach that I could be anything. It was when they got closer that I was very unsure of if I would be accepted.

K: I don't believe you considered yourself a lighthouse then.

A: (smiles shyly) No. Too much responsibility.

K: Because you were saying earlier that people tend to disregard the light of someone but you shone that light when you performed. That's why people considered you that innovator or that original in your vocals, looks...whatever it was.

A: Sure. I mean, when I didn't have to try and attract was when I felt I could be me and only me.

K: This is very interesting because if I was to stand in front of a crowd and teach, I'd piss myself but the one on one is good.

A: I don't think that's true. I think you'd surprise yourself.

K: Hhhmmm...maybe. Let's talk mental illness.

A: Okay.

K: Cause of addiction or a result of your addiction?

A: I think we can all be a little fucked up or crazy. But...because of how I felt, I needed to chase or I needed to prove myself with people to become what they wanted me to be...it was a little of both. I think it just escalated as I got older and I had to be this person or this performer or I had to be Amy Winehouse.

K: Do you think with the fame, it exasperated those feelings or assumptions that were already there?

A: Yes.

K: So, in your day to day, without that fame factor, it would have been different?

A: That sort of makes me sound like I'm blaming it a little, doesn't it?

K: A little.

A: But how can I put all the blame on fame? Because I loved singing and music. That's not fair of me and I can't.

K: How do you feel about talking about cutting (self-harm)?

A: For me...it was an addiction. It was the same as injecting, smoking, drinking, inhaling. It was just another form of abuse but just with a different substance.

K: Wow. Thank you for that. Were you suicidal?

A: No. I was lost. I was misplaced but I wasn't suicidal.

K: Did you ever consider death as the outcome?

A: Yes. I knew. It's that little voice of reason that sort of just sits back there and chirps away. Annoying. (laughs a little)

K: Did the substances ever become...not fun anymore?

A: It was never fun. Escaping or chasing is never fun. It loses its thrill and that's why you do more or try more...to get that thrill. Cigarette smokers know about that. It starts at one but then it's 2 – 3 packs a day just to get that thrill.

K: Okay. Done with dark; the big cloaks. Let's talk about your light.

All of a sudden she just grows and vibrates joy.

K: Ultimately, under all of that. Putting all that shit to the side, did you love or even like who you were?

A: (smiles) I used to play a little game with myself, usually at night when no one could hear or see. I would just give myself a little hug and tell myself I was good...I was a good person. It's because I still saw her. I still recognized her. She was all there. I loved that. It was really small for a while but sometimes it was how I would get to sleep. I'd give myself a little hug and tell myself I was good. It was all okay.

She's singing This Little Light of Mine.

A: For some reason...even though the perception was that I had turned into a lost cause, I still noticed that little girl I was and hugged her. That was on a good day. We all are capable of recognizing what's under everything that's not going so well. I recognized that when I sang and when I wrote music. I recognized that. Near the end...it was harder too but I liked giving that light of me pep talks every now and then even if it wasn't light I saw and just Amy.

She's being very sweet with herself in the images she's showing me. Like an older sister to a younger one.

K: I think that for a lot of people, you seemed to be a lost cause.

A: I did.

K: But you acknowledging your light as that part of you that sang and wrote...did that help because obviously it still existed for you.

A: It prolonged the inevitable.

K: When you say that, there was no veering off that path?

A: Once I made those choices to perform on that incredibly high level...that was the inevitable. Choice really played a part in my life. It does with everyone but every choice was black or white with me. There was no gray. Either this would happen or that would happen.

K: When you connected with that light of you that couldn't always shine...was that love? And were you able to show that light, eventually, to people in your life?

A: Yes. Of course. Yes. When I was off the drugs, I could express that easily. I liked to gather people around me and when I did that, people were a bit relieved because it seemed I would survive whatever I was putting myself though. When an addict or a depressed or unstable person shows that part of themselves that's light, because it's never gone...it's that hope. You said I was a lighthouse and I was. When I was sober, I showed hope. It never became false hope because I would relapse or whatever. I was able to be me sober and when you're you without the cover-up...it shows as truth and it shows as real. It shows in smiles and looks and when I was just me and singing and connecting to music without the baggy clothes that were substances...I felt good and that shone out as good. It was just me and at those times, I never understood why I would think that I wasn't good enough.

K: When you surrounded yourself with people that you authentically loved and who authentically loved you...why didn't it stick?

A: (shrugs) It should've, I guess maybe because the chase was gone. I couldn't say one way or the other. Eventually the need for the chase was stronger. New people, new faces, that need to be accepted was stronger and to do that was easier with the baggy clothes...to showcase myself as something that I really wasn't.

K: The masks went back on.

A: In my heart and in my mind I was always living in a mascaraed ball. Always. I...flirted with the cover without getting to know what was under all of that because under all of that...a disappointment.

K: I get it.

A: I wore a lot of masks. It was tiring.

K: Did people get upset?

A: Oh yes. Of course. Yeah.

Thinks a bit.

A: Yeah. I think people need to focus more on the light of someone.

Picks at her fingers.

A: I know it can be hard to do that but it would just make things better.

K: What would that make better?

A: Because if people focused more on the light of someone, they would believe it's real and it would grow. I think that if we looked at people, in general, with those eyes that saw everything that was good about them, that would make a person realize just how special and wanted they are. People don't get the opportunity to feel special anymore. There's always the critics or the comments or the...but if you could do this...people don't recognize others by who they really are anymore. They always recognize them by who they aren't or who they're pretending to be or what they're most insecure about. I don't know if it would've made a difference for me. Maybe but...maybe I could be or I could give that idea that...I don't know. Recognize someone by their light without comparing it to something it should be according to someone else. It sounds par for the course a little bit. But it doesn't happen as much as it should.

K: Do you feel people could see your light through your behaviors?

A: It depends on who was looking, to be honest. I felt a lot of people didn't want to because if they saw mine they had to see theirs because that's just the natural state of ...that relationship but they wouldn't see mine because they were hiding from theirs as well.

K: Your marriage to Blake. I know it wasn't the healthiest.

A: No.

K: Did he see your light?

A: If I let him. I think that we enabled each other to stay blind because that, to a certain extent, was easier.

K: Did you love him? Could you love him sober?

A: I did love him. I think that if we were both committed under different circumstances that we'd have five babies by now but I loved who I thought he was or who I protected, what I believed he was, from other people.

K: Did other people not like him?

A: I think...well I know they blamed him a lot for what I had become. But that love for me from my family was a little bit blind because they didn't see that I already was an addict or pretty messed up before that as well. I think Blake and I competed for each other's attention a lot as well. It was the spiral or the drama that made us ignore health and keep that attention on what we were chasing including with each other. I think we could both be very elusive with our true feelings because feelings were...hidden. To feel, at that point, was overwhelming when you were used to hiding feeling or emotion under those addictions. Feelings, for an addict, are scary because they're big. Addicts tend to feel to these really intense degrees that it's hard to integrate and accept so a lot of the time...it's easier to numb because numb keeps that state of normalcy where everything isn't so manic.

K: Could you be manic?

A: I could. It was that example of that little girl and the overbearing parent that if faced with a charge or a complaint, that parent would defend that girl to the end because if that parent raised them, that kid could do no wrong. I'm sorry. I keep using these examples. I hope they are understood.

K: I understand them. It's cool. I can see what you're saying though.

A: Thank you.

K: Your image...was that all you? Did you enjoy the retro look? Retro slash biker chick slash...I don't know...Vanity Fair?

A: (laughs) Yeah. It was cool and I could pull it off. I often thought of what it would be like to live back then. I mean, it was a style and an...era that brought me a lot of nostalgia. I clicked with it and it was easy for me to bring that out of myself. When you just jive with something, it's probably already with you in some way.

K: Would it have something to do with another life?

A: Yeah. Now I know that. I love being an entertainer and through every life I have been and will continue to do that. It's a distinct river that sort of flows through what I lived and as Amy, that history was still very recent so I felt, almost, as if I picked up where I left off.

K: You keep playing me that song, Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow. And Rehab but that one more. I hear you singing it as you wait for me to come back. It must have meant something to you.

A: It did. It spoke of insecurity and those what if you don't really love me thoughts that I had and in the song...it's like this woman is ready to give everything but is her lover willing to give it in return or is it just a one night thing to fulfill his needs? I loved with that. If I gave my all, my light...if it came to the point where I let myself be vulnerable enough to do that, would I only suffer heartbreak and for months that would be my every day. Would people on that one to one level, if I were to show my true colors, would that be enough for them and most times I didn't believe it was. So that song summed up a lot of what I was too proud or shy to express.

K: I love it. I love the way you sing it because you sing it in a way that it's a part of you somehow. It's a vulnerable place to be in and if that's a way that you could show that...I mean it's pretty moving.

A: Thank you.

K: And I think that you're very correct in saying how people only focus on what went wrong or how someone sabotaged themselves without stepping into that role and considering there were other factors other than fame or money or...those superficial things we like to blame because it's easy to.

A: Those things did contribute of course. They made it easy to get my hands on what I needed...it was connection and while a lot of my connections were well intended, some weren't, or with that fame factor, people around you didn't feel they could be honest with me or say no to me because that would ruin their career or whatever. Status is used to an advantage...and to disadvantage as well.

K: Yeah. It's almost like a shitty cycle.

A: Sometimes.

K: Who realized your talent? Was it your dad that sort of nurtured that?

A: Yes. It was always my choice though. It was easier to let others make decisions or push me towards something themselves than me actually doing that. I'm not saying I let people run over me but obviously I wasn't the best decision maker.

K: Was your body failing you or was it your spirit that was failing you?

A: Um...I was failing me. Through my actions I was failing me and through all of that was the consequence or the outcome. The body takes direction from you. It has to but there comes a point where it can't keep up.

K: You died of "alcohol poisoning" (finger quote).

A: It wasn't just that one night that I drank too much and that was it. It's just; I had been at it so hard and so long that...it was poisoned by a lot of stuff over time.

K: Was it expected?

A: I think it was more a fear that it would actually happen. Sort of that head in the sand thing. All the signs were there. I even knew that to some extent. I was told by my physicians but I didn't completely get how serious they were. It never occurred to me and people who are addicts can't. They don't want to. It's just another topic to avoid; another thing to avoid because it's another disappointment or let down.

K: Why, if you were aware of your light, did you choose to...as that soul, experience such contrast?

A: Fuck if I know but...yeah. I don't know. Why does anyone choose these things? Maybe for the challenge? I don't think I would ever admit to coming and living that life for the only purpose of being an addict. (thinks with her chin on her curled knuckles) I think I just wanted to experience how much I could still shine or show up while being at war with...all my insecurities or buried treasures. I always knew I was treasured. I gave that to myself when I felt whole enough to. I don't think I wanted to explore recovery. I think I just wanted to explore contrast and how different those things could be while still living as one person.

K: I'm pretty sure you fulfilled that.

A: What anyone decides to believe about me as that, I held onto a lot that I kept hidden because ultimately I didn't feel safe enough to share. What I could share I did mostly through music.

K: Did you want people's pity?

A: No. No one wants pity. That just says I don't believe you can be any better. I didn't want anyone's pity, disappointment, exhaustion...all of that because people only focused on what was loudest about me and that was addiction. Only a few people saw my little light. That was hope. I loved to feel the hope people had for me because if hope comes form a good place, it equals encouragement.

K: That's awesome. Thank you for that.

A: Thanks so much. It's been cool. This has been cool.

K: I apologize if it was a little bit of a repeat.

Waves me away.

A: I wouldn't have come if I didn't feel like it would make a difference. Thanks for keeping things honest.

K: No problem. Thank you for yours. Did you have fun while it lasted? With the parts that connected you to that light?

A: I had a blast. I really...the good was really good. Again, that contrast.

K: Yes. I guess to maintain some sort of equilibrium...I guess we can only try.

A: That's all we can do. Thanks, Kim.

K: Thanks Amy.

Blows me a kiss, winks and waves.

Chris Cornell Speaks on Purpose

You know...I hear a lot about purpose and that there's only one purpose for an individual and if you don't make that purpose or that supposed life that you want, you've failed at something or you just didn't make the cut. There's all these time frames when talking about purpose because people are really in a hurry to get to that life purpose that will only make their lives more fulfilling or more reputable or more cool. And with that purpose...there's this sense of fame or success because a person can't be successful without the recognition or the achievement that can only come with a purpose. Sometimes purpose is thought of as personal and sometimes it's thought of as professional and sometimes it's a mix of both.

Purpose changes all the time.

Standards change. Life changes and with all that life around you or that you're living...purpose, standards, desires change but if a person is only fixed on that one purpose and it has to be that or nothing else...life escapes them. Purpose isn't about finding one thing and that one thing will be the only thing that will sustain them for the rest of their life. That's not true purpose because a person changes every day and along with those changes or that evolving or whatever you want to call it...purpose does too.

Competing to have a better purpose than others is just competing to see who can do something better when really, it might not be either of your purposes...it's just this cool and sexy thing that's really great in the moment. The whole sexy gift of the moment is just that. It's just a momentary popular, sell a lot of stuff or gain a lot of recognition...one hit wonder thing. If a person goes into a purpose with these fixed ideas...it will be a one hit wonder. You know...the healing practices or the arts of spirituality...a lot of them are one hit wonders because people get stuck on this idea that it only works this way and there's no movement and this is my purpose so I'm just going to do this one thing the same way because that is my purpose and it can't change because right now...that's what I'm interested in or that's what peaks my curiosity or that's what's selling and sexy. Well, that's just getting yourself stuck in a mud pit until the mud pit dries and you can finally climb out of it.

Anything you can think of...it doesn't even have to be in regards to spirituality or...that's just why I'm here because that's what's sexy right now...that word of spirit or spirituality but take music. If you're gonna hum the same tune and expect a Grammy without ever challenging yourself to put out something new that's never been heard before, you're gonna get your ass stuck in a mud pit. Think of writing. You want to be the next Stephen King but you've written about the same ideas...the same sort of character...the cookie cutter novel that will sell millions and make you famous because that's your purpose and that's the formula you were taught and that's going to sustain your writing through the rest of your human life. Mud pit. Plus...both of these examples are really disregarding how cool it is to create new; change things up from that "norm" that people think creates success to challenge people's way of reading or listening...or watching. Purpose has a lot to do with self-expressing but if you just walk with the crowd...thinking that that's the only way to invite success because it's what people are used to...you'll get bored and you'll never reach the potential of your purpose because personal purpose is supposed to be a natural high. Going with what is the norm in regards to purpose is like a smoker who used to get the nicotine fix from one cigarette but now they're smoking two packs a day in some sort of desperate attempt to feel that and make it last longer.

Purpose is a choice.

Yeah...you get here (Earth) and you sort of have this idea about how you wanted your life to go. But the thing that people completely disregard is that...the decision to come here and have some sort of purpose is a general theme. It's not one specific thing. Let me break it down. I was a singer. Was that my purpose? The theme of my purpose was actually to be a writer...a poet. That was the theme of it. The choices that I made were to pick up an instrument...to explore using my own voice as an instrument and to put that all together. If I had stopped at being a writer or a poet...I would never have felt fulfilled and I would have never been able to meet life at where it was leading me to go. When I wrote...that was one thing...but when I sang or played some instrument...my purpose grew so the choices that I made with the influences that I felt or saw around me...took me further than if I just wrote poetry and no one even bothered to read it because it was only the theme of my life and not solely the purpose.

You can have a hundred novels with basically the same themes but it's how it's written or how those themes play out in the story lines that make all the difference. The books don't all read the same but the lesson is similar. It's just those characters of those storylines found out purpose through their own journeys and no one else's. Think of it like...you're in your own story and there's this book beside you and you sort of have the same general theme...you can't be a character in that book just to copy what they're doing and they can't compare or compete with you because they have their own story to play out. You can't combine two books. You can sometimes with songs. I think that's called a mashup? But what's a song? Three minutes? A book is a hell of a lot longer than that.

And let's talk about mashup. Sometimes a purpose grows from one individual to two or three or maybe a crowd. Sometimes a purpose isn't ever supposed to be one but a community of ideas and building that while everyone has their own identity or purpose within that. That has to be one of the hardest ideas or...a-ha's about a purpose. It's not always a path where you have to build something by yourself to be successful. Success is meant to be shared. Always. Personal success is always filtered down to those who appreciate what you're doing in life...what you stand for, what you're putting out to the world and if we're talking about success...that filters down to be able to take care of your family or friends...people in need and it sure is an example about being a leader and an example of what's possible. So even that solo purpose just filters down on so many other people that most individuals don't even realize they have an effect on. Now with a purpose that is meant to be...like Roger says...that collaborative effort...while maintaining that individual purpose...getting together and making that purpose grow...it rains down on so many other people and makes a way bigger impact than what you could do alone.

Don't be so nervous about sharing a purpose because when you get the urge to share, it's because there's someone out there that can help it grow. It's not always a partnership but it is support and I don't think life was ever meant to be lived on a deserted island...alone. Even if you think you're alone in your life or what you do...you really aren't. If you feel that way it's because you hesitate to express what you need to make life that much more fulfilling and that's what this world is. It's a cooperation even if, at times, it's pretty tough to see that.

Every purpose is a volunteer assignment. Every theme that a person chooses to live is a volunteer assignment and doesn't have to be...followed through on because when you live...when you really live is when you find or incorporate experiences that could make those purposes change. They could change completely. Volunteering is optional and volunteering for specific organizations or clubs is what sort of moves people in that particular moment from one thing to the next. One day you're taking care of animals and the next your cuddling babies. One moment you're picking up trash on the side of the highway and the next moment you're making food deliveries to senior citizens. Whatever it is...your volunteer assignment that is "purpose" is allowed to change. That's freedom. That's freedom of life.

Let's take career. Someone goes to school to be a teacher. They believe that their whole purpose in life is to teach young minds...to make a difference in the world by being that one person that will give incredible knowledge to the youth of today. Guy gets puked on. Guy gets spit balled. He never thought about the harder aspects of teaching. He just thought he would find his success through engaging the minds of the youth. The guy is miserable. He starts watching Law & Order. Now he wants to be a lawyer. Goes to school, becomes the student...loves his new purpose. The theme is still sort of being that upstanding citizen that will take care of people and put them on that right and just path. He's just doing it a little different. Different volunteer assignments mean purpose changes. It grows. Purpose is not stuck. The world spins in a certain way. Purpose, for anything, flows with that.

Every action, after making a choice, is a purpose. Holy shit, right? Every choice made and every action after that...is a purpose. Making a choice and actually doing it is setting a course towards a destination. Having an intention, making the choice and taking action is actually the turkey, the gravy and the stuffing with some cranberry on the side...it's the perfect Thanksgiving. And every thanksgiving meal is meant to be shared. Let's say you had people coming over...these are the people that are in your day to day...and you only thought about cooking a turkey (writing a book) and you can cook a really far out bird (can write incredible scenes) but you didn't make the choice...you didn't take action. Now, what are all these people going to eat? What are they going to enjoy? Are you going to be fulfilled by just getting a bucket of chicken when you didn't take action on the beauty of what could have been? Sort of a different example and I use a holiday because there's a lot of expectations with those holidays but if someone or a couple of people don't take the action on the choice to create a beautiful meal...the intention or the actuality of it...lacks.

Purpose is built on imagining what could be...what's possible. So, a person is happy in their job right? It's good for them. They don't want anything more. They're satisfied and really cool with life. Yes, they're living out their purpose in that career aspect but if they don't get over their fear of airplanes...those dreams or those fantasies about seeing other places...countries, which is part of their purpose of self-discovery (theme of coming to Earth in the first place was self-discovery)...are they really fulfilling their purpose? They dream of distant horizons but they are scared shitless of flying and so fear of the unknown or fear of the assumed is holding them back. It's procrastination at its finest. Fear of the action will not create purpose. Purpose requires the action component to actually manifest what it is you dream of doing. Dreaming...yeah...nice. But even when a person dreams...that subconscious is taking action and really wants your human part to use that as the example in the textbook of life. Dreams and imagination drives purpose. What you feel in your heart and what you see in your mind is a hint at what is very possible in your life. It's your brain that tells you it's not possible or you're not good enough. The world is never against people with purpose. It's the fear that it can't happen that is.

Purpose isn't on some sort of schedule or time limit. Purpose is driven by the action of the person with it. It's just that...at the heart of an unfulfilled purpose...is disappointment. It's that feeling of not living up to some sort of potential that you know is there but you just can't find it. A clue to finding your potential is really looking at what you enjoy to do or be and take it from there. It's not about looking at someone else to compare or the dollar signs and it's not about the fame. It's about what moves you to be that...better person. It's that idea that moves you to be happier...more chill...more complete. People believe that they are living their purpose but feel empty because their purpose is only that one thing. That's the mud pit. Just like there's multiple choices, so there are multiple purposes; a parent that's a chef. An actor that has a cause. A singer that writes a novel. A student that is the Karate master. A secretary that sings in a band during the weekends. A grandmother that teaches. All these things. Every choice that they've made to do more or be something else or be more than one thing...this is all purpose. The theme of it though...is to live. To live the freedom and the choice that is there when a person gets over the belief that nothing more is possible or that to actually have purpose is to actually be successful and rich. No. It's not. It's to be able to come home at the end of the day and know fulfillment...know being tired after being productive because that turkey dinner...while a pain in the ass and busy...really paid off and joined people together for one purpose of sharing in something really great...isn't that what life really is? Sharing in something really great based on the purpose and choice of the world around them? Yeah we can live in what we see...that everything is going to hell in a handbasket. But really...besides all that stuff...life is really what you make of it, a.k.a purpose.

Chris.

Conversations with Harry Houdini

Yes. I know. His real name wasn't Harry and no I didn't want to know his secrets and no I didn't want to know how he made his escapes. I didn't want to know the ins and outs of the magic world or the world he tried to escape from. Sure, it's always nice to know a little bit so I know what to ask, but with him...I didn't feel the pull to ask a lot about his life. What I did, and I admitted to Sharon (which Paul didn't like) was that I sort of wanted to nail him to the cross on his efforts to debunk spiritualists and mediums. It was more for disturbing shit than actually calling him out on behavior because this stuff isn't for everyone. I get that. Some days it's not for me. But, I'm still here. Turns out...he really believed in this stuff. He just didn't like the show. He could give a good show but what he really wanted...was truth. Here is my conversation with Harry Houdini.

H: My Dear.

K: G'day to you, Sir. How are you?

H: Very well. I'm very well.

K: It's interesting how this all lined up.

H: How so?

K: I never really watch magic or anything on T.V and I was invited to last night. And then, from out of the blue, my son starts talking about you with his dad. It just gets me every time how these things sort of drop into my...lap?

H: They would have to, wouldn't they?

K: Unless I call someone in.

H: I've been told you're not one to request such visits.

K: I'm not.

H: Why are you narrowing your eyes?

K: Because I'm not sure about you.

H: (chuckles) How so?

K: I can't peg you. You're pretty big energy. I'll give you that much. (my head is vibrating super loud)

H: I would have to be, wouldn't I? For what I did and who I was. I had to have the upper hand, somewhat.

K: You did. What was the pull?

H: How do you mean?

K: What was the pull to be an illusionist or an escape artist?

H: Hhhmmm...I never really thought why. I only decided why not.

K: But what gave you the idea to start?

H: A challenge was, to me, very important. How could I do more and yet how could I deceive. How could I be...honest but isn't there dishonesty in honesty anyway.

K: Dishonesty in honesty?

H: It doesn't have to be only magic. It can be life as well. Is the truth that you show or you walk or you live...is that honest for you or is that magic...is that putting on a show for the world around you?

K: So you wanted to prove that people were a show in their own right? In their own lives because they feel they have to perform for people every day?

H: Don't they?

K: Maybe some do. Did you?

H: I performed but in my life, I stayed true to what I thought was real.

K: And what did you think was real?

H: There were answers to everything. Nothing was buried. No secret was a secret. There was always a way to find out what was really happening. Even with me, I tried to keep...myself a mystery but if I were to keep myself a mystery, how could I remain mysterious?

K: You are a treat.

H: Enough riddles.

K: Yes.

H: I thought I had talent. That's how I started. How hard could magic be? How hard would it be to make people think or think they saw something that really wasn't happening? I didn't think it was hard. So I tried.

K: You started in cards.

H: I did.

K: How was that?

H: It was not my best act. I could pull off some...special effects but I was not...it was not a passion for me and I didn't...with cards or with those things that use sleight of hand, you must practice and you must be elegant and you must be seamless. I couldn't be either. I could pull it off but it didn't have the effect that some others that were great at card tricks, let's say, it didn't have the same effect. I knew that if I continued only in that area...trying to pull money out of hiding spots on a body or trying to deal cards in a way that people would think they were disappearing and such...it wouldn't amount to anything.

K: Was that your only interest? To pull the wool over people's eyes?

H: No. What interested me more was the challenge of getting myself into situations and out of situations.

K: How do you mean? Disappearing?

H: Well, there was that. A captive man is really never captive. You must be willing to think outside of what others know, to prove that everyone is free.

K: You have to think outside of what other people know?

H: People only know this and that. People only believe that there is one way. Especially when I lived. You had iron shackles...they all worked one way even though, those shackled (people) are all different. To use that saying that not one size fits all would be very poignant in my position. I realized that shackles were very standard and they could not keep everyone contained. I used that as the base of my passion for escape.

K: Why the shows? I mean, you were pretty young when you started. Why the entertainment world...whatever that meant to you?

H: I felt it was an easy start. I didn't need schooling...I just needed me. I...just like the shackles, schooling isn't for everyone and my family could not afford such things. I never intended to pursue it because I was in a position that I could not provide or help to provide for my family while attending formal schooling anyway. We were quite poor and any odd jobs that children could do to help...we did. That's what we were made to do.

K: Is that where you found your interest in magic? Did you see something that caught your interest?

He's showing me a street performer.

H: I watched him every day and I thought, why couldn't I do that. So I would practice here and there. I would copy him.

K: You would copy him?

H: Well, he wouldn't teach me so I would watch what he did and try it in my personal time...usually when mother had sent us to bed. My mother...didn't want her children to be...sideshows. She was interested but not to the extent that I was so I kept it to myself. She knew. But she didn't ask. So in that way, I had some freedom to pursue. But if I were to tell her that I would pursue it full time, they would rather me find odd jobs like shine shoes and deliver papers or couriers than pursue a life of magic.

K: So then what did your mother say to you when you actually found fame with it?

H: She was surprised. But then it switched to fearing for my future to fearing for my safety.

K: Did your bother and you perform together for that reason? Because you could trust in each other's secrets and have each other's backs if and when things went wrong?

H: Yes.

K: Cool. Family's good like that.

H: They are.

K: So are wives.

H: (smiles) Yes.

K: Were you easy with your trust of people?

H: No. I was not. I found that my secrets were worth keeping.

K: Well obviously. I mean, there was a lot riding on that.

H: Yes.

K: You went from strait jackets to coffins to...what the hell was the Chinese Water Torture Cell?

H: It was another layer.

K: Did you ever think that you were going overboard in what you dared your body to do?

H: No. I always wanted more.

K: When did you want more? When the accolades from the audiences grew a little quieter with the same old routine?

H: (laughs) I guess...yes. But, I never gave up the old. I always made them new.

K: How did the ideas come to you?

H: Again, they layered upon themselves. If I could get out of handcuffs, I could get out of shackles. If I could get out of shackles, I could get out of cloth. I could get out of cells, coffins, crates, doors. If I could get out of these types of things...what was left?

K: You were, physically, very strong.

H: I was.

K: Were you flexible?

H: I was flexible.

K: You're showing me dislocation.

H: Yes.

K: Was that one of your tricks of the trade?

H: Sometimes. Dislocation was very uncomfortable.

K: I'd say. There are escapists now that actually do it. For real. They don't have anything concealed.

H: Oh no?

K: Well, I'm just assuming.

H: Many have...admitted to themselves that it is not just about the mind and how quick one can take action. But it is how flexible you can be with how you initiate, activate, remove and complete. A person cannot be in terrible shape in these things. If the body is sluggish, the mind will be as well. If the body is sluggish, the heart and the lungs can't take much of a beating. If the body is sluggish, a person is not aware of the physical...of the body's reactions. When one is in shape, you are very aware of what the body is capable of. It isn't even about the size of the physical body. It's just knowing it but if the body is hiding under immobility or lethargy or sedentary lifestyles, you will not know what your body is capable of or what it can do if pushed.

K: But there are limits to what a body can do. At times, I don't feel that you listened to the body.

H: I heard the direction but I listened with half the attention that I needed. Because I was always working on more than what my body was telling me. I dared it.

K: Then did you take into account, when being buried alive with only dirt...did you take into account the heaviness of the earth? Or did you believe that it was only dirt and that it would be easy to escape it.

H: I did not realize the pressure of the earth on a human body. No, I considered it but I didn't really take it into account. And when I didn't, that's when I had the close calls. I had many close calls. But it didn't deter me. It enabled me to think of solutions that would work better.

K: How did you fool people?

H: I looked at what another person saw and then I looked past it.

K: How do you mean?

H: If a magician were to only look at people or life through the eyes of a regular human being...believing that they are only regular human beings...it's easy to see what's right in front. What's harder is the peripheral. When a person is looking only one way, they don't have any idea what's coming from behind or at the sides. Those are hiding places. Those are places where I can reach for the unexpected because it's never expected by someone who has fixed vision. It's easy to hide things in plain sight for one that is fixed and rigid in their view. They look for one outcome. There are many outcomes. People are only interested in one outcome; the one that suits them best. When doing magic...or illusion...you know what people expect and you come in from the sides or you come in from behind.

K: That actually makes a lot of sense.

H: I find that people are extremely predictable. And I worked with that.

K: Were you predictable or did you get that way?

H: If I found that I was becoming...predictable, I needed another challenge.

K: Was your wife always supportive of your work?

H: Yes. She thought of me as more than a simple man.

K: Did you give much credit to your audiences?

H: I did not. If I did, I wouldn't have been in magic.

K: Did you consider it magic?

H: To others, I considered...the impossible. To me, I considered the dishonesty in the truth.

K: Oh my God. I totally just got what you're talking about. It's almost like a caveat of truth. Do you think that people know ultimate truth?

H: No. (chuckles) And that's why magic exists.

K: Do you think that magician's know ultimate truth?

H: Most are willing to find out.

K: And that's where the caveats live.

H: Indeed. The ultimate truth is the ultimate truth where nothing hides but in the hidden are the ghosts or skeletons that no one ever cares to look at. They walk around pretending that they are living in ultimate truth when only in their personal spaces do they let their guards down and allow the ghosts to breathe. It's a show. I don't believe anyone lives in ultimate truth until they die.

K: Is that what you tried to disprove?

H: Of course. Enough about what I did; the acts of strength and escape. Forget all of that. I conquered that. I wanted to pull on other strings. The ultimate strings to pull would be those that people tried so hard to prove. I was not a man to believe in unseen things. There were always answers in magic but magicians could see that because they came from behind and the sides of a person's one way street or view. But the unseen or the unheard...that could be anything.

K: I'm having trouble translating what you're saying because when you start speaking or feeling things like supernatural...I think a part of you believed it and you hated that.

H: (slow grin) Yes.

K: Because it wasn't something you could easily grasp when, in illusion or escapism...you could grasp that so if you couldn't grasp the supernatural, why not prove it wrong.

H: Yes.

K: Okay. Let's compare the times.

H: Alright.

K: What was the difference between seeing a spiritualist or a medium back when you were alive to today? I mean...there are some that aren't the real deal. I don't consider myself anything out of the ordinary but whatever...

H: Anything but whatever?

K: Well, I just talk.

H: Interesting.

K: What was a major difference from when you saw it, to today?

H: What surrounded it was the...it was decorated.

K: How so?

H: Smoke and mirrors that took the attention away from the spiritualist or medium. Shaking tables...doctored photos, blindfolds doctored...crystal balls that were of glass and had smoke blown into them...facial reading.

K: Granted, there was that. But did you ever come across someone that was authentic; that you couldn't prove to be fake?

H: Yes.

K: Because you believed in it?

H: I didn't discount it. I found spiritualism or mediums...and the like to be extremely interesting and the fact that I could not attain that knowledge or that...it was a private club. I was not permitted to enter it and so I became somewhat of a pain about it.

K: When you died, you had a message to give to your wife. Why didn't that ever happen?

H: There are not many that can grasp such things. There are not many...in those times that could grasp the words. You have to understand...the blinders, that which you would call energy or what have you...they were thicker then. There were only a handful of individuals, at that time that could be a messenger. If I were to come now, there would be many more that had that connection of words, of scribe, of your telephones. Back when I was alive, there were not many. It was hidden...the truth was hidden under a show or an individual only available for the show and not for the information. Like me, they were magicians and you can have very good magicians and you can have those who assume a lot or talk a lot but the intricacies of the practice are lost because they are there for one thing and that is to get away with something. It is easy for someone to talk about finding the untruth in the truth because the ultimate truth is not lived by humanity. It is quite another to say you are finding truth in the untruth because at the beginning of any lie, is only a lie.

K: Is it harder to find the lie in the truth?

H: Yes. Because truth, that a human lives, is an illusion. A lie is already an illusion. It's already there to create fools. Fools for believing the lie and fools for even believing they could get away with it. People live truth...what they assume it to be for them. There are those that will pull the ultimate truth but for many, they would rather the lie.

K: When you lived, did you believe in the illusion?

H: The illusion of Earth?

K: I don't think the Earth is the illusion? I believe it's the stage that illusion chooses to play itself out on but Earth isn't that.

H: (sneaky grin) Is that so?

K: Yes. Shakespeare once said something like all the world's a stage and we are merely players. So the stage is the reality. The players are just playing the part. So did you believe in the parts?

H: I did. So, who were the ones that played the parts? That is what I was interested in the most. Who were the ones that were playing the parts because the parts were the illusion but the players are not. Do you see? The players tell themselves a story...every day. And they play that story every day. It is what they are told to play or what feels good to play or that they are bullied into playing. But who is the player? Who is the actor? I did not go to debunk theories to be a bully. I debunked the illusion that player was playing so I could see the player...at the center of them...that's what I was after.

K: Then did the act...your act get boring? If you wanted to call people out on the lies they told to others, or even themselves?

H: Do you know why I rarely failed?

K: Why?

H: Because I was willing to play outside of the illusion. Yes, I had my tricks of the trade but it was I, who wished to escape...not only handcuffs, metal or steel, boxes or coffins or even the dirt...I wished to escape the illusion that everyone else saw. And when I could, when I knew myself enough to be able to do that...when I knew the feats of strength that my body could practice or take action on...I understood that same possibility for every single human being because everyone can connect but it has to start from a position of truth. It has to begin at a beginning.

K: Do you believe that connection to Spirit begins from the ground up?

H: Yes. As magic begins from the ground up, so does connection and, as magic...you must know what you can do to be able to do it. Same with mediums and spiritualist. You must know what you can do before you do it. What concerns me is that...people require closure for what they can't reconcile, either with death or with what they live. This doesn't just happen. Either you are born with it or you learn it bit by bit. When you are speaking of connection, it's okay...quite alright...to concentrate on what is best for you. Like me, I wasn't good at the card tricks...for example.

K: Yes.

H: I was good at escape. I was good at sleight of hand in a situation of escape. So this is what I concentrated on. This is what I perfected. Bit by bit. I began small and when I conquered the hills, I went for the mountains.

K: Did you try to contact your wife? (after he died)

H: I did but...her view was fixed on a one way and that was the fault of us both. If we had just told each other to visit...in any way, we would not have been so blind to use contact in only one way. We were simply out to prove a point. But that was the fixation. If one is fixed on an outcome...everything that comes in from any other direction is nothing but imagination or frivolity or a story one can tell themselves as a what if. The code (code phrase to communicate with his wife) was factual when spirit lives in a what if way...that anything is possible. The focus for connection must be done in such a way...to allow the spiritual world to come as they are. The supernatural will come as they are and it won't be something that is hidden under the sparkle or the costumes of what a human would like it to be.

K: I get your point. I do. Did you understand that when you lived?

H: (laughs) Not at all. I believed in otherworldly things. I didn't believe that humans could connect with something so...large. Some could. Not many. Now, many can because it seems to be less of a game or a show and more of an awareness.

K: But there are some that still manage to pull the wool over the eyes.

H: Yes. And to allow that is good too.

K: But then you're being made to fall for something that isn't true.

H: It creates...for the one that looks for truth in a lie...a talent for discernment and to be able to listen to the voice within that connects to the voice...of all. If anything, that is what the illusion is there for; to train an individual to connect with their ultimate truth. Sometimes to hear a lie, sparks the truth to come out of hiding to steer one in the direction that is meant for them.

K: You're curious but I don't know why? You know already.

H: Know what?

K: How I work.

H: I simply came for a visit.

K: You're so obvious it's ridiculous.

H: Because you choose the different path.

K: In my mind...I want to hear about lives or regrets or things that people did...I want to hear it from their perspective. I'm not one to put words in mouths. I'm not one to...if you come in and I don't know anything about you, I need to see what it's all about but I read the headlines to be able to ask questions. I'm not interested in re-hashing what was. I want to hear from Spirit how it is now...for them or how they feel now, for what was. People can read stuff about lives. I'm not interested in knowing about the life Spirit lived. I never have been. I like the perspective from Spirit about how they lived but I don't need the Cole's notes. You can look all that up. If I'm just here to provide the Cole's Notes, what am I doing it for? It's the small insights like when you said the untruth in truth...you can't read that anywhere. That's how I work. I don't like to do phone calls or video because I don't want to hear the hope or see the confusion on people's faces. I just want to read the energy. That's what's best for me because then it's the ultimate truth that comes through and not something that I see or feel people want to hear from expression or looks on faces. In a nutshell, that's why I do this. To try to give the ultimate truth.

H: I appreciate your perspective on...your work. I would never be able to debunk it because it isn't fact or fiction. It is based on feel. And feel is hard to define and it is different for everyone. It cannot be disproven. I respect that.

K: Thanks.

H: However, I believe there must be fact as something to have a base from which to jump and catch the heights. Is that your headlines?

K: It is.

H: Very well.

K: Your death. Some say you drowned. Some say you got punched. Some people say you had an infected appendix. Some say it was a combo of being punched and appendicitis. What is it?

H: People are still curious?

K: Well, I mean, you were kind of superman.

H: (loud laughter) No. No, I was not superman.

K: So what was your Achilles Heel?

H: I was...sick. It is...I made excuses that if I had been prepared for the blows of this man...that I wouldn't have died. In reality, I was sick. I just didn't realize how sick. You suffered from appendicitis but it did not rupture.

K: No.

H: I was the same. It was ruptured by the punches to my abdomen.

K: Would it have ruptured regardless?

H: Yes. It would have. I guess, you could say, suffering abdominal blows expedited my exit.

K: (laughing) So you were already ill.

H: Yes.

K: Did you know?

H: No. I felt discomfort but I felt discomfort all the time. It wasn't as if I would run to a clinic or a hospital with such little discomfort. I would hurt my ankle but I limped on. I would continue. That was my mentality. My show had to go on. Sadly...it didn't.

K: Was there always that conversation with your brother or your wife...those closest to you that this night...the show this night could be your last? Did you prepare for that possibility?

H: Yes. We were always prepared but never...in the back of our minds...we never considered it.

K: Did you always know you weren't going to die by your escapes or failing to escape?

H: I never felt I would die by my own hand in that way. Never. I trusted. Although, there were a few close calls, I always trusted and if I trusted to...blindly, I would always recover.

K: (laughs) Until the next time.

H: Until the next time.

K: Stubborn fool.

H: (chuckles) I will admit...I was. Still am.

K: Good. I'd have it no other way.

H: Perfect. Neither would I. Do your work. Do it proudly. Spread it where you will. Discover the ultimate truth. You will.

K: One day. I might not be in the body though.

H: Hhhmmm...I beg to differ.

K: Well, I guess we'll see. Predict for me, Harry.

H: You've seen the illusion in many forms. Aren't you the player...naked...seeing through that? It's already happened. Many many times. You talk yourself out of it. When you stop talking yourself out of it is when it will stay. I can't predict something that's already happened.

K: Good one. I know. I know. I know.

Laughing as he disappears from my feelers. I deduce that Harry Houdini could be a bit of a shit.

Stirling Speaks on Elementals & Magic

For many, magic eludes you when, in actual fact, it is the core of who you are and what you are meant to feel, touch, sense, experience in all ways because it is part of you. Yet, the logical person would ask, "Where? Where can I find this magic that you say we are?" and I would answer, "Look in your mirror."

You rely on fantasy; either in novels or on your screens to fulfill some sort of idea about what magic is. However, your writers...your creators of such things get these visions from somewhere and this somewhere is very real. The imagination is not only fantasy. The imagination pulls from deep memories; a deep knowing of what is and what has been possible and which has only been forgotten. Long ago, magic was strong. It was anchored to the earth through various methods. It was an idea from the sky that was anchored to earth but it had to be anchored by something...or someone. Magic was strong because people used it, conjured it, believed in it, had hope and saw it around them. The stories...the imaginary dreams of others, passed down through time, is the evidence or the example that people still use to this day; the creators of your fiction and the makers of your movies, among others. You call him Arthur and you know him as king. You call her Guinevere and you call her a queen. You know him as Lancelot and he is your knight in shining armor and you know him as Merlin; a sorcerer, an alchemist and a magician that tied them all together. The stories are true...the pictures changing with all that dare to grasp and re-tell the tales. The romance has not changed, neither has the thought of what if it could still exist.

It has, it can and it does.

You call them dragons and you believe they breathe fire. They have been portrayed in various fashion, some scary, some tender, some even guardians of those that call on them...all true. But, I will not get into the stories unless asked. I will not get into the fables unless asked. I am here to talk about magic in a way you will understand. Magic is elemental. You speak of your elemental energy as fairies, trolls, nymphs, leprechauns, unicorns, dragons...tales of lore yet all these things, these elementals are simply the manifestation of the elements; air, earth, water, wood...sometimes metals in the energetic beings that you hear of in your stories...in your nighttime fairy tales. However, when you share these fables, do you include the stories of yourself? And when you learn in your lessons, either in academic or spiritual, that the elements are very real and tangible...does that give you an inkling about what else is very real and tangible...including who you are and what you are made up of?

Human beings are elementals that have lost their sense of wonder and belief that anything is possible. You disregard yourselves as something that lacks mystery or that lacks the ability to create something out of nothing. When you think of elementals, you think in terms of categories; what is real and what is not. Leprechauns are mischievous while elves make cookies in trees. Pixies are nuisances while fairies create peace and harmony and grant wishes when caught. These are the perceptions of the human race that sell themselves short. Human beings are included in the elemental worlds that you only see in your fantasy. When I travel and I look at a woman or a man that is going about their day to day...I question what it is that they don't see in themselves that I see in them as if I were looking at a prism. Your colors are like those of a rainbow. You reflect the beautiful imagery around you that you are. You build, you create, you dream, you remember. You find beauty in the way the light of the sun reflects off the water or the way the arch of a rainbow can double in the blink of an eye. You find pictures in your clouds as they stretch and pull with the wind. You blow your dandelion seeds as you make wishes on the off chance that they will actually come true. You admire all of these things that are created by the elements of the earth and yet, you look at your reflection and fail to notice all that I do. I feel, that when you do see what I see...your power will finally be unleashed.

Magic or...manifestation is simple. I will tell you. It is a thought that comes to your mind...through the top of your head and it swims there as an idea or a dream or a wish...something that, one day, would be nice. Those thoughts are not supposed to stay there. They are to come down through the body...the elemental being that you are and exit through your hands and your feet to be anchored into earth as a creation of yours. Magic is never handed to anyone. Even looking back through your tales of fairies and dragons and sorcery...it was never conjured as a poof and suddenly it appears. It was worked on, ingredient by ingredient...intention by intention...prayer by prayer...spell by spell. If you look back on your fairy tales...your ancient textbooks...the magic...that manifestation was an action that was taken to create. It was an idea and ingredients were put together to fashion it. It's the same now only the human believes the ingredients to be substances when, in actuality, it is more than that. It is intention and action and belief and trust. Magic can happen in an instant and magic can happen in time. Just like a cake or a loaf of bread has its process to become...so do the wishes of the human but just like the cake or the bread...there is action in the ingredients.

To a human...magic is subtle but the expectation is a big bang. Is this not contradictory? When all the processes are in place and the patience is there and the synchronicities of life are followed...then you will have your big bangs but the steps toward the bangs are the buildup of the subtle. This is why there is doubt. This is why people believe others to only be lucky and have nothing more but a horseshoe up one's backside. When a person realizes that magic is in the everyday...in the subtleties of the synchronicities, they will know which bread crumb path to follow and yet...when followed...the breadcrumbs turn to a yellow brick road.

The elementals live magic because they know they are magic. Live your life knowing you are magic. Magic creates miracles and are you not a miracle? What did it take for your creation? Conception seemingly happens every day but those who experience the loss of an infant or the inability to create in this way understand the miracle of it and that the magic of creation...of a human being is never to be taken for granted. Magic is never to be taken for granted or...dear human being...it is turned off. Magic is an appreciation. Magic is in gratitude for in a thank you there is room made for more.

Elements do not remain separate from each other nor do the elementals of earth. The land and sea, the fire, the air...all affect each other and work together towards an equilibrium where life can be lived. Life...interesting. It's the same as magic. Elements work to sustain life. Magic is elemental. It is all connected and is never separated. Humans separate themselves from the elementals of earth without realizing or believing that they are part of that world as well. One elemental is not above another. Fairies are not better than humans and trolls are not better than unicorns. These are the beliefs inherited through the manuscripts of a changing story depending on who's telling it. I am a fairy but I am not better than you. I have only realized the power of the elements and I work with them to create a magical world that I choose to live my life in. I am continually surprised that the human has not realized that this is readily available to them as well.

Some of you might think me as vague and silently demand to know the secret to alchemy; to magic. So I sit forward and I ask you, magical elemental human being...what are they? What are the secrets? Creation is as unique as the prints on your fingers so what are they? What are your secrets? What are your urges? What do you dare to dream? Do you feel this at your fingertips or do you walk knowing the footprints you leave are on a yellow brick road to miracles if you so choose to work with the subtle? There is no secret. The secret is remembering that within your body; the extension of that being your two hands, you have the ability of creation. It has been said so many times that I could be sounding redundant by now. If it is redundant to you now then the idea has been dismissed as make believe or too hard to accomplish or impossible in a world such as yours. It has been dismissed because of timing...the fact that you assume you have none. If this is the case, then magic has been made redundant by no other than the person who believes what it's not...that it's not possible.

You have heard that your thoughts create your reality and so, thinking these things have made a life of magic impossible or insignificant. It's depressing, really...the fact that some believe life to be insignificant and the magic will happen once you pass from this world to the next. Why do you think that the stories of the elementals continue to be told? It is a reminder that it is not over and that it actually still exist.

Magic is freedom. It is akin to the wild mustangs of the west. Magic is wild. Some people, throughout your history, were uncomfortable with such freedoms and they needed to stop it, confine it or put out the flames with fear...to keep a world controlled under their idea of order. And so magic was made to be something of evil; of darkness and against God's plan.

God? Your gods have been the prime example of magic in motion. I've told you to look in your mirror. Look again. Look out your window. Can the magic of God be controlled or only spread, carried, tasted, felt, loved and is that constrained or is that the definition of what magic always was; a place of freedom? The elements...the elementals...the human being can only be controlled by the sheer willingness to feel the power in one's hands and to extend that out and within your personal world of existence. Cultivate it and as you feel it within and around your physical and your energetics...that would be the time to utilize it. This is wish fulfillment on the subtle levels and within the subtle realms; the realms that watch and desire to witness the magic of alchemy that has always been the human being. Fairies, dragons, trolls, pixies...they can now see it being manifested into the reality that the human can physically see and when magic is seen with the physical eyes, you will then know what you have never been separate from...only invited to join...the world of the elemental being...that of which you are.

You have assistance. Join your clans. Join your tribes. They wait to show and to practice with the emerging masters of wizardry...of alchemy...of magic. I'm here only to remind you of a connection that always was and always will be. You, human, are of the earth. I am of the earth. I am elemental and I join with you now for now is a time of magic.

And So It Is.

Stirling.

Conversations with James – Casualty of the Dieppe Raid, August 19, 1942

To be honest with all of you, this was one of the most emotional and challenging conversations that I have ever done. The feelings that James gave me of being broken, of being just...defeated...the horror... all I could do was cry. I cried for him and a world that was in such agony at that time. When he showed up, I didn't know why. Now I do. To describe him, he's young but he's got quite an older look. He's blond, brown eyes, tall but not stocky. He's got very strong facial features...one of those really strong chins that makes a man older than what his age says. He's probably six feet. He smokes. He wore a cable knit sweater...almost like an aran/fishermen sweater that was navy blue. He wore dark tan cotton pants. James was extremely...a very real presence. Not subtle. Just...when he was with me he was with me 110%. He had a sarcastic nature about him...almost seemed like he could be an asshole and in life, I learned, he had some trouble with that. In his life...he felt lost and used that to act out but when he found the navy/army...they sort of blended together...he found purpose. He showed me with men laughing a lot. His laugh came easier when he enlisted. I suppose that came from finding some sort of direction. He made me feel like he was led into something that wasn't all together...truth was hidden. He felt like he had been taken advantage of a little bit when it came to Dieppe. Anyway...here's James.

K: Good morning.

J: (smiles) Good morning.

K: (big sigh) I don't know why I feel so nervous. I haven't done one of these in a while. I feel like I'm on virgin run here.

J: (smirks) I'm not really sure how to answer that but I guess as any guy would say to a gal that's nervous...we'll go slow.

K: (laughs) Great ice breaker.

J: (nods slightly) Thanks for spending the last couple of days with me...get to know me a little.

K: Yeah. The company's been nice. How are you?

J: I feel good.

K: You look good. Thanks for coming in casual.

J: Well, I wouldn't want to stir up trouble for being overdressed.

The other day he came to me in uniform and I told him 'at ease, soldier'. He also called me ma'am. Uh...no.

J: How does this work?

K: I ask questions and you answer. I mean, that's why you're here right?

J: It's funny. I just sort of found myself here. I was taking a walk and there you were. (later I find out that wasn't the case)

K: Interesting. You were taking a walk and here I was. There must have been some sort of pull.

J: Sure. There's always a pull. And then I got to thinking if...well, if I had a story to tell that would be as interesting as those people you've spoken to.

K: Don't we all have our stories we can tell?

J: Sure. It's if they're interesting or not.

K: I think all personal stories are interesting. They just have to be told...not everyone's a storyteller.

J: (big grin) I suppose not.

K: Okay. Let's get the big thing out of the way. When did you die?

J: 1942.

K: And how did you die?

J: I was a soldier...well, now that's not right...I was in the navy but they needed foot soldiers so they gave me a gun and told me I was for a particular detail.

Tugging at the heart. This is going to be hard.

K: To be honest, James, I'm not sure I can do this.

J: I'm sure you can.

K: There's just so much imagery that's hard to...it's really hard to see. And I don't even know if movies could ever do it justice.

J: No...they try.

K: Okay. So, you died in 1942. How old were you?

J: 23.

K: A boy.

J: I thought I was more than a boy but considering...yeah. Just a boy.

K: Tell me about before you died and then we'll get into all that later. Where did you grow up?

J: I grew up in Halifax. I...I was a little bit of a trouble maker.

K: How so?

J: Ah...(shrugs) booze, smokes, pretty girls...petty crime. Lookin' for attention the wrong ways.

K: How was your home life?

J: You know...it was okay. You know when you have really decent parents but there's just something in you that...you just don't mesh with. You could come from the most stable home but stability is...boring.

K: So you were bored?

J: I was restless. I needed that living on the edge.

K: Did you have some sort of direction in your life?

J: (shrugs) I don't think I did. It wasn't until...my dad had enough. He booted me out the door. No good as an example for a kid sister so I just left.

K: What did you do?

J: Well, I was homeless for a while. There were other priorities going on in the world...things that I just didn't consider important because I was way too wrapped up in my own world and the way I wanted it, to see what was happening. It was too far removed from me. It was far away from me and I didn't have to be a part of no one's problem.

K: And you're speaking about the war.

J: Yeah. (shrugs) Wasn't my problem. I was pretty ignorant. I was pretty...full of myself to be walking around and thinking it wasn't my problem until it became my problem.

K: Did you not believe that world events had anything to do with you?

J: No. I didn't think anything had to do with me unless I allowed it and to a certain extent...that was true.

K: Did you feel like you wanted to be a leader of something because...the way you're showing me...you were sort of narcissistic...?

J: I was. Maybe narcissistic is the wrong word but I can see...I had those tendencies for sure. I had to be brought down a notch.

K: Were you?

J: Yeah. When I had to find a roof over my head...I was brought down plenty notches.

K: Did you have friends to stay with?

J: Uh...Screwed it up.

K: What do you mean?

J: Anger issues. After I was kicked out...I was pretty angry.

K: So the mentality of it was that your life...after being kicked out of your home...was everyone else's fault and not yours and if they didn't help you out...they were grouped into the side that your parents were on?

J: Pretty much. I mean...kid mentality. I guess...my dad and I talk...you know...looking back. He...I mean it was twofold. When he finally felt I needed responsibility, I was at an age where I was used to having none. Learning curve for both of us.

K: You talk to your parents?

J: All the time.

K: Cool.

J: It is. Sort of was their angel for a bit. That's what they called me when they heard I died...finally.

K: When did they figure you died? Because I could not find any records of you.

J: It was...Because of the mission I was on...it was assumed but they didn't find out until...gosh...time...two years after?

K: No way!

J: Yeah.

K: Was there hope for them?

J: After the news came out of England...it was a shit show. I'm not even buried in Halifax. I'm in France.

K: Really?

J: Yeah. Nice place to rest in peace.

K: You told me that you were just another face in the mud. By the way...disgusting.

J: (laughs) I sort of was though. There were a lot of faces in mud at that time. (He's lighting a cigarette) Mind?

K: No.

J: (blows smoke out.) Nice to enjoy it once in a while without the cough.

K: Did you always smoke?

J: Yeah.

K: When my grandfather came to see me, he held a cigarette but never smoked it.

J: Just who I was, right? Still am that. Still enjoy what I used to. Smoking was never going to get me.

K: Just odd to see.

J: (smirks) A ghost that smokes.

K: Pretty much. Okay, so how did you enlist in the army? Navy? Whatever?

J: Meal ticket. Bed to sleep in. I wasn't much for the formality of it but the formality of it was out the window by that time. They needed men. I needed a place to hang my hat. It was a relationship...a bad marriage.

K: (chuckles) Sort of like a convenience?

J: Yeah. I sort of...liked it though. That structure...I probably needed it. There were goals now. I don't know...it worked for me. If I wanted something...I actually had to give something in return.

K: What was the time period from enlisting to actually going?

J: It was quick. I was out within three weeks. I was shipped to England.

K: I want to talk a little bit about...the war was these people against these people but when you are put in a situation with people that you think are different or less than or more than...within those groups who are on the same side....

J: (nodding) I get what you're saying and in the beginning, you had your fights. You had your differences of opinions that caused arguments and blow outs. In the beginning...you want to enlist and you enlist as a hero with a superiority complex that you're better than this or that or him. When you enlist when I did...there's a way bigger purpose. That stuff doesn't matter because you've seen what differences can do and so now you're the same. It doesn't matter if you're American, English, Irish, Canadian, Aboriginal...whatever. At that point...now it's about brotherhood and survival and you have no choice but to trust each other. You have no choice but to trust in a strange face but because you're put on a boat together...you have to trust. Doesn't matter the skin color or the height or build or...it's your life on the line and as you look across from you...it's his life on the line too. And you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. At that time there was no use for in-fighting. When you hear how many casualties of war...you learn to get over yourself and others real quick.

K: We were talking about brotherhood or camaraderie before and you said that in that situation...that's sort of what you had to rely on...that assumed brotherhood for some cause. Did you believe in the cause of the war?

J: No. I didn't. It was still someone else's problem. I believed in the men that chose to fight. They were bigger than me. They had a purpose to join something...maybe even become a hero. Kill a few hundred men and call themselves a hero. I didn't totally understand what I was fighting for. Sure, you could say it was for a country. You could say it was for freedom but I was free. I felt free. Personally, I felt free. But when I was at my most...free, I felt the most restricted. I think when you're lost without some sort of direction...it's restrictive.

K: Did you feel the army was more...freedom?

J: Weird. I know. But I felt better. Maybe there was freedom in cooperation and respect for that newfound...friendships I was making based on nothing but trust...a laugh or two...a drink or two.

K: Were you scared?

J: (grins) Not until I got my orders. When I got to England...I was training. I was getting in shape...didn't think the navy...I didn't think it was so bad. I figured I'd be called out. One day I'd be called out. One day was sooner than I thought.

K: You were saying that even in gangs...running with the "wrong" (finger quote) crowd, that those in them have the same mentality of trying to find that brotherhood or that comradery.

J: Yeah. It just forms in a different way. It's the mindset of whoever's in there. If a so called leader of some gang has the mindset to be always on top, they will gradually attract people that don't mind keeping them there. If there's a mindset of being together for the same purpose like a war...that will attract people that want to be heroes on whatever level or to be part of that one goal of fighting for freedom. Camaraderie or brotherhood, it's the same as gangs...they all just tell different stories.

K: Did you tell your parents where you were?

J: I showed up at my parents' house all in this uniform. I told them I was going to England. You could say they were pretty surprised. Couldn't say they were proud. I don't really think they understood. Here was this kid that couldn't keep a job...stole, drank...did other things (winks)...

He's showing me women.

J: ...and now I'm in the army and I'm gonna fight a war?

K: What did they do?

J: My dad shook my hand and wished me luck. My mom stood behind him and when I left the house she waved. I disappointed her. A part of me wanted to make that up...I guess. She looked shell shocked and didn't know how to respond. (shrugs) Don't blame her. I wrote to them before Dieppe. It wasn't long. Just that I was going to France and I'll write soon. I met some cool guys. England seemed okay and that I'd probably like France better.

K: You made light of it.

J: I was naive, Kim.

My heart is breaking.

J: I was twenty three. I thought I knew it all. I thought the images in my head...I was training. That was war. That was combat. All these ideas they were putting in my head like this is what it's going to be like...why was this war taking so long. I would end it. I'd be part of a mission that would end it. That's what we were told. I went in like that. I was gonna be a hero walking out of smoke and destruction with my boys...was gonna save the day and that's how I made the letter sound.

K: Did they receive it?

J: Yeah. My dad knew better. My mom clung to hope. Maybe my dad just couldn't see past who I had been. The army...armed forces...navy...whatever you want to call it because at that time...all those lines were blurred. It all became one but where I was...it started to uncover who I was and what I needed to get my head on straight and it was happening fast. Really fast. I looked at those officers who wore all those medals or who barked those orders and that would be me. I thought I knew how to play it.

K: Was that just your mentality at that age?

J: Part of it, I guess. We all think we know what we'll become when we have an example of that prime authority figure and we relate to that. Mostly because it's something we never were told we could be to begin with. My dad never told me I could be important. I never gave him a reason to. But training with men...that brotherhood...that support...I was told that. So I could see it in myself. My dad didn't feel that way about himself so why would he get his son to feel any different. He just wanted normal...no ripples. I broke that mold. I couldn't be that but when I had to be that...structure...I loved it because while having structure...I had purpose.

K: Wow. I can see that. So you wrote them that you were going to France.

J: Yes.

K: What were you told about Dieppe?

J: We were going to take it and win this fucking war and put it to bed. Sorry...cussin'.

K: No problem. You're a sailor. It's okay.

J: That's what it started as. I grew up in Halifax. Water was natural. Land...not so much.

K: Not a camper?

J: Wouldn't have the first clue.

K: The German's knew you were coming.

J: Yeah.

K: Did no one know that?

J: The thing about war...someone always knows something.

K: Do you think that your Generals or whoever decides to do these things...do you think they knew? (I won't even pretend to know about rank or command.)

J: Yeah. I think they knew. You always gotta go in believing they (the enemy) know because then you have the upper hand. But...I also think that if they didn't...but they did...but if they didn't...they were incredibly naïve. (again, the enemy)

K: I'd say ignorant.

J: Ignorant's better.

K: When did you know it wasn't going to plan?

J: Plans are always made with the best case scenarios. It was supposed to be smooth sailing. It wasn't.

K: No. I heard the waters were not in your favor. Were you on those boats?

J: I was.

K: I don't know a lot about it. I also don't understand a lot of what happened. I tried to look it up but the images were too much and you were showing me quite a different story. So I don't know where that middle ground is.

J: Yeah. You can read all the words you want but when you're in it...it's very different.

K: What happened...in your eyes.

J: I just felt that me and my brothers were left to die. We had been forgotten. I kept whispering...where are they? Where are they? It's like they were late for a date. Running late. Running late for an appointment. Them running late meant we died.

K: Were you waiting for tanks or something?

J: Anything. Tanks...yeah. They were supposed to go first but the currents took them away and we had no choice but to face it. We were few. The numbers of men...no way. German's were expecting us. They started shooting before we were even on dry land.

K: Is that why you were confused?

J: We couldn't see anything. (showing me a lot of smoke) We sailed over just listening to commands and orders. We assumed that the artillery and the air strikes were ours. They were covering so we could take the beach. But when we could see...there was no one.

K: Is that when you felt you were left to die?

J: Yeah.

K: What was your first reaction when getting off the boat? Did you make it to the beach?

J: Yeah. And my first reaction was to run to someplace for cover...to take a breath and re-group...get my head on straight. This was my first ride. I saw men drop like flies. People that I sailed over with...they died right in front of me.

The images are horrifying.

J: The screams...hearing that...the smoke...people often wonder what hell looks like. Take the color away...all color and fill it with grey and black smoke. That's hell. And then the sounds...the soundtrack would be men having their limbs blown off or drowning or dragging themselves to safety just in case they lived. I died that day and after seeing all of that...it's just as good that I did.

K: You're showing me that your senses sort of shut down.

J: Shock. Slow motion plus adrenaline...everything just shuts down and you're on autopilot. Even the training that you get...it's all gone. It's survival.

K: What about trusting the men around you?

J: Can't trust something that's been shot or blown up. Can't trust what's been destroyed.

K: In those moments...was there hope?

J: (shakes his head) I just kept asking the same question. Where are they? Just because we were told one thing but another was happening and it just...it went so wrong.

K: What was the biggest factor in that?

J: The Germans. They knew. The water. The ocean was unpredictable that day. There were lots (of factors). You had boys who didn't know anything...men who thought they did. Mostly people were acting strong but there was this undercurrent of...it was all happening too fast. I was in uniform...maybe five weeks? They needed men. Short supply...it didn't matter. Get whoever. Get them on a boat to a beach to die. And for what? There was no glory in that. There was no glory that day.

K: Is war ever supposed to be glorious, James?

J: Victorious.

K: For who? Who is it victorious for? That's a bullshit line.

J: (nods) Why?

K: It sort of feels like you're disregarding the sacrifice and the sacrifice far outweighs any victory...especially that day.

J: There was no celebrating that day. For anyone. That day turned the world on its axis...literally.

K: I'm sure it was the last thing you were thinking about, seeing as how you were left to die.

J: Thinking about what?

K: Victory.

J: You're right. I wasn't thinking about victory. I was thinking about surviving.

K: How long did you last?

J: (chuckles) You assume that it was a quick battle?

K: Obviously.

J: I made the beach. I was shot in the back.

K: After how long?

J: Uh...I didn't look at my watch. It was happening pretty quickly. I emptied my gun a round. There were so many rounds. Ever hear a bullet by your ear?

K: No.

J: It sort of whistles at you...tells you it'll get you the next time. And it did.

K: Why did you turn your back?

This is extremely difficult for me. I'm feeling the most...like I've given up.

J: I had emptied my gun and that was it. I thought if I turned my back and didn't see it coming...it would be quicker that way. I didn't see a way out...I saw dying as my way out. Those that lived...they were behind us. They were just making it on the beach. My team was the first to make land. The Germans...supplies were full. People had more of a chance joining a party then actually starting one.

K: So you purposely turned away because you didn't want to see it...see yourself run towards death.

J: More like...I accepted it and just like an asshole, it snuck up behind me.

K: Was that the only place you were shot?

J: Yeah. I actually didn't die from the gunshot. I drowned. I couldn't move (paralyzed) and the water came in and I drowned. Like I said...just another face in the mud.

K: You didn't drown in a lot of water.

J: No. It didn't take much. I was still at the shallow end. I just couldn't move to help myself.

K: I don't even know what to say to that. I just...I have no words.

J: I didn't ask for any.

K: Why did it have to happen? Why does any of it have to happen?

J: Hey...I was one of the good guys. The mission was to free the world.

K: Free it of what, though?

J: You know, Kim...there was a big reason and in a way...he was allowed because the world needed to see what couldn't happen anymore. No one knew the extent of what the Nazis were contributing to. No one knew until they saw it but by then...it spread far and it spread deep. It wasn't just in one area. It travelled. It escaped. It still exists today on some level. We were sent to stop it in its tracks but something so...insidious...that was the sacrifice...to do as much as could be done to contain it as much as it could be contained. The people...the enemy was mostly contained. The ideas are still alive. They continue to live on some level. But to that extent...the goal was to contain that and kill that.

K: I understand what you're saying. I get what you're saying. Why is your body still in France?

J: I guess by the time they got to everyone...you didn't know who they were.

K: Dog tags?

He didn't have them. He's just shaking his head.

K: Who'd you give your dog tags to, James?

J: (extremely emotional) He called me a hero and so I felt like one...people gave them away for lesser things.

He gave his tags away to a boy... a child.

J: Kids are funny. They look up to people that think are worth it. I guess a uniform made me worth it. I guess that maple leaf made me worth something in his eyes. It's not all I carried with me to say who I was but the metal sure would've lasted longer than some paper or some gun or whatever. People think they know war just by reading about it. To live it...completely different story. It really is nothing like what they say. The way it's acted out is different in every situation but the theme is the same. Wars are personal. People live wars every day. There are a lot of struggles and they can be inside or outside of you. You survive...you're victorious...you win...you lose. War's war. The look of it is personal. The theme of it is the same. The struggle...on all levels...is very real. My story might sound similar to another's; it may not ring true at all to the people that don't want to admit the ugly of it. A lot of people are at war. This war wasn't the war to end all wars. There's always conflict. Not everyone has to take it in the back. Not everyone has to drown and be a face in the mud. That's not to negate the fact that...all that stuff, real or metaphorical...it's still there. And I can't sit here and tell people to pull themselves out of the mud because I wasn't an example of that. I guess I'm just here to say that I can identify with that struggle. I had it. Before I left for war...I had it inside of me. I warred with myself constantly and look where it got me. I had consequence. But I had choice too. I had chance. I took a chance. Some people might think that I failed at it. I don't think I did. Do I need to get metaphorical about my life and the war I lived that actually became real...no. That experience just allowed me to understand the complexities of an individual that sort of match an environment or a world at that particular time. I didn't enter a war to fight for freedom. I entered a war because it gave me some sort of stability which probably would show you how fucked up I was if a world war gave me some sort of stability for a few weeks. That was the case.

K: Do you regret it?

J: No. If I had lived through that...mentally...emotionally...even if physically alive...there's no living through that. Not that beach...not that day. You die there or you shrivel up somewhere else from trauma.

K: Because you were never identified...do you continue to feel lost? Do you continue to feel forgotten about?

J: No. (shakes his head and smiles) No. More so today. I feel like I've...I sort've been identified as James.

K: I was concerned because I couldn't find records on you so I couldn't validate you and I try to do that for...the readers but I've come to a conclusion...through this chat...that it's not necessary. Through all the horrifying things I have seen from you...I just feel that you needed to tell it.

J: People talk about closure and as much as we get closure...it's just better this way. There's lots of good guys that were never identified. They lay in fields or trees or in mountains. They just have their names or not even that. They are a continuous mystery. We don't roam around in discontent because in the end...we know who we are. We know who we were. It's just nice to have a smoke with someone who'll be open to some conversation. You know when you go to the bar and you just sit there and someone comes up and makes small talk and then a couple hours later, you've each told your life story?

K: Yeah. I haven't told you my life story.

J: War, Kim. It's different for everyone. Still pulls at me especially the deep ones.

K: Touché. So what are you...some sort of angel?

J: (shows me a pin with silver wings) No. (smiles and winks) You could say I was sent by one though. I'll see ya. Take care.

K: See ya, James.

He stands and salutes then gives a thumbs up and is gone.

Audrey Hepburn Speaks on Compromise

It seems, from the beginning of time, women have learned to compromise themselves for safety...for security...for normalcy. Children have been taught by their mothers to compromise themselves either indirectly or directly through seeing or studying their mother's actions and men have supported this while compromising integrity which flows to their individuality. It is the same as the woman even if the scales have seemed tipped in a gentleman's favor. When the definition of compromise, from the beginning of time, has only been understood in terms of when a woman, a child or a man receives what they wanted or didn't and have been surrendered to what is, as a supposed existence of should...it seems as if the definition has been warped to fit a personal preference. Compromise is finding a balance but in this world of today, we are not witness to compromise but of being compromised. It's done knowingly or simply by negating our personal values; our personal best. Compromise has been sacrificed by attitudes of entitlement; of want and greed. Power over is not compromise. It's compromising an individual you feel is less than you.

I have asked to come in today to share with you my personal feelings on what I have witnessed from the beginning of time and what is merely coming to what might be termed as a breaking point of the scales of balance. There can be no balance when an individual chooses to be compromised whether self-inflicted or inflicted on. Over and over again I have been witness to an either/or. I have seen individuals take, believing that to be a fair and just compromise because the one they take from has lived a life of should and should nots, according to a specific idea of life. I have witnessed these people, living their shoulds and should nots, compromise their own sense of self-worth to appear as something they are not, only to be accepted, loved and honored according to the specific desires of another. Being compromised is not only for the poor. It is seen on all levels of the human existence. It is seen in the deprived and it is seen in the rich. It is seen in the attitudes of climbing a ladder of life, where to be anything in this world, it is not the deepest reflection of an individual's heart and soul that is shared but the face value and this image changes when another steps up to their plate and expects to be shown only what they are comfortable with. Inequality lives in compromise when looked at in this way.

Compromise has a certain feeling to it...that either one party or both do not get what they want. It's a settlement...an agreement with both parties feeling as if they could have obtained more. It's a truce because if a compromise has not been made, there would be a continuous fight or battle for one person to get while the other gives. But, there is enough for all. It is the view that someone must have it all while another goes without that compromise exists. Is compromise really a balance? Is it equality in practice? Through the eyes of a human being, do both parties...on some level...feel as if they've been left out...that their wishes did not come true because someone else or a group has stood in their way of success? But isn't that relying on another or a group to make that success for you? To have to compromise on your greatest dreams and desires, do you compromise to only receive slightly less because someone or something else has said that is the way things should or should not be...according to...them. When compromising a human's basic need for respect, for honor, for love, for compassion...things that are so plentiful in this world...things that no one should have to live without...why must one compromise on such things? It is a self-inflicted mindset to keep a peace outside of yourself rather than holding that peace within.

When an individual compromises their bodies, what does that look like? When an individual chooses to compromise their health, what does that look like? When an individual chooses to compromise their creativity, doesn't it suffocate instead of thrive? It is usually under the assumption that the world at large is not ready for them as they are when, in fact, this world is at a point where it is thirsty and hungers for the dreamers, the inventors; those that think outside of the borders or walls that others have compromised themselves to continue to live within or create. When an individual compromises their love, what does that look like? Does the smile reach their eyes? Are they available to hold, to touch, to share the intimate expression of that emotion? No. they are not available for that. What does it look like when an individual is asked to compromise their bodies, their health, their creativity, their love? Do they appear to be the living embodiment of their truth? Do they appear to be the living embodiment of that spark; that expression of life itself or does that get buried, only to be exposed in a moment of privacy when no one is looking so that the one or few who have been asked to compromise themselves are not shamed or ridiculed for expressing or showing who they are.

I have lived a war, as Audrey. I have lived the scales of inequality; of sacrifice for a supposed free world. As a child, it was easier to be compromised than be scorned for not knowing better when the lessons I learned only came from those who, in their minds, did. I must admit, I have compromised my heart, my dreams and desires to fit into another's idea of who I could be to them and when it got to be too much, I had my vices. I could compromise my health for the past that would, at times, come to remind me of what I felt I endured but really, I rose above. Sometimes we compromise ourselves the most when we are low or when we feel as if we've missed out on or should have done...trying, desperately, to make up for something gone. But those things, in that moment that we feel may have passed us by...could it not be because it wasn't ours to hold, love, or be a part of because this whole existence we choose to experience only has our highest and best good at the center of it. Sometimes a person's belief in a higher good is very jaded because dreams or goals are based on a ladder of humanity that is only to be climbed a certain way and that way is up. That is only one direction. However, we are all led by an internal compass that contains 360 degrees worth of potentials that have little to do with compromising or being compromised because this compass is comprised of all that we are and we are all infinite in what we are able to do.

I have compromised because verbalizing my needs was harder than actually going without. I do believe in direct communication. I do believe in speaking up and speaking out in ways that will only share what others are also ashamed of or shy about speaking on. People that wish not to say anything are putting themselves in a situation of compromise when actually, the act of being heard is being the most honest and open anyone can be and this is where a happy medium can be reached. A happy medium, in my mind, is when everything has been laid out on the table; where all parties have verbally put out all choice to be seen and not hidden and each person can pick five choices. Nothing is hidden. It is all laid out. The choice, therefor, is there for all to see. When all is spoken; when all is discussed, when all is laid out...compromise does not exist. Harmony exists. When nothing is hidden under _should I_ or _shouldn't I_ or it is hidden under the belief that even if a need was stated, it wouldn't be acknowledged or heard anyway...that is when an individual has decided to compromise themselves. If they were to share it all and those around them chose five of those verbal items to accept and honor, as an example...there is a happy medium struck. Nothing is hidden. There is enough for all. No person goes without and no person feels as if their needs are not being met because they had to compromise themselves just to attain that small portion.

I truly believe there is enough for all. I truly believe no one must go without. I believe in infinite choice where compromise does not exist. Compromise has limits. Happy mediums exist in a place of neutrality and peace. There is harmony and when humanity is harmonious...the world comes together as 1.

1 cannot be divided. Compromising or being compromised is division. Happy mediums or harmony is a whole. 1 is strength and a beginning in the best direction. It is not a split path. It is the yellow brick road where the individual or group links arms and travels to hope; they travel in unison where they all have different wishes, dreams or desires but the end result is still the same...to feel whole, not split and not lacking. It is to feel wholeness, settled and in a state of peace because nothing has been hidden. Don't hide yourself. Never hide yourself away feeling that's better because others deserve more than you. Do not compromise on your life. Do not be the reason another feels they have to compromise theirs. Intend harmony. Intend honesty and forthright communication while honoring another's right to do the same thing. And while doing so, know...you're worth it all. There is so much. There is more than enough.

Thank You,

Audrey.

Conversations with Solomon, King of Israel

Solomon made himself known to me about two months ago and he's sort of popped in and out ever since. Sometimes I have preconceived ideas that people from the past will always present themselves as that in that era but I've been proven wrong a handful of times. Solomon's no different. He comes to me looking pretty 'current'. He wears a white V-neck t-shirt and black jeans. He comes to me young...like 35/40 years old. He's got a baby face. He actually reminds me of...and I had to look this up...but his looks remind me of Zayn Malik, pop star. I appreciated how I could be myself; show my sarcastic humor and just be able to relax and joke and speak with him very openly. How that came to be is described in the channel. He's just very personable and charming. I really enjoy when he visits and after this...I will enjoy it even more. Here is my conversation with Solomon, King of Israel...

S: Hello.

K: Hello.

S: You're smiling already and we haven't even said anything to each other today.

K: Because you make me smile.

S: Do I? Well, that's a compliment. How are you today?

K: I'm good. All is well. You sir?

S: I'm well.

K: We keep passing each other in the hallways so I think it's time to have a sit down chat about whatever it is we think up to talk about.

S: I have to agree. I do believe that people would want a little bit of a background on why we...hooked up.

K: LOL! Get real.

S: No? Not a good term?

K: Would probably make people wonder about...oh the mind wanders.

S: Let it.

K: First question.

S: Yes.

K: You come to me as a guy that I would see walking down the street. No character costume; just a white t-shirt and black jeans. Do you stay with the times or is that just for my benefit.

S: Um...a little of both. I like to be someone that can come in as relatable. I don't prefer to come in as someone that is meant to be worshiped. I was worshiped. I still am...I guess you could say but it's not something that I crave or the image that I like to present.

K: But you do. To some you do.

S: Yes. But is it really me or do they see me like that?

K: And here's another question.

S: Good.

K: You have been channeled before.

S: Yes. By many.

K: But there's one that channels a collective called Solomon. When you first came to me...you felt like you were this huge godly presence and maybe there were more of you but it just felt like you were leading a group or something. Like that really big all powerful and all mighty being. But as I talked with you...you sort of came down from that...high horse...can I say that?

S: (chuckles) Sure.

K: And you came as a genuinely sweet guy. So are you a collective or are you one?

S: You see this with people all the time; those that choose to channel energy. For example, there are some that channel the Archangel energy. You have.

K: Yes.

S: But some choose to channel the collective of the Archangel and cannot see the angel for the singular. They see it as a group of energy.

K: Yes.

S: But...we are all a group of energy. We don't come as a singular being. We come...always as a collective of who we are, were, and ever will be. The face that is presented makes it easier to connect with me as a man but I am a multidimensional being as are you. People perceive spirit in different ways. It's not wrong and you've heard that it's the beauty of the human...to have these gifts yet present them in a way that is personal.

K: But you have had concerns that it's gotten a little...side show.

S: I've had my concerns...personally...yes. I will admit that. But a concern is not a judgement. A concern is not a problem to be dealt with. A concern is a mystery to be solved for the highest of goods...for the best outcome.

K: So how do you solve it? How do you solve it with that concern of things becoming a bit of sideshow?

S: I don't...reward. I stay neutral. I tend to be present for those that require me...for the information that will better or enhance their lives but then I step back from those with an unwillingness to listen and hear for themselves. Because they are usually not ready.

K: Huh. So do people tend to grasp at straws at this point?

S: They can. The can struggle with...convincing. A person who relays messages...it's better if they just relay the message. Just plain and simple instead of continuing down a path that makes less sense the more you try and articulate what you can't or are unwilling to understand anyway.

K: Hhhmmm...okay. I'm disturbing some shit.

S: Yes. I've heard rumors of how you enjoy to stir a pot.

K: I don't necessarily enjoy it. I just like to get to the bottom of things that don't click with me so I can get a better understanding and continue to learn what I can do to be better or more thorough or whatever the case may be.

S: You've heard...when you speak to a child about sex.

K: Oh my God!

S: Well, I'm here to be relatable.

K: Okay.

S: You only tell them the answers to the questions that they ask and you don't elaborate because when you elaborate the child will lose interest or they will wonder what the hell their parents are talking about as mommy and daddy grow flustered and red in the cheeks trying to make the act of sex or changing bodies okay by stumbling down a hill like your Jack and Jill. Keep things relevant. Keep them on point. Keep them simple. Cease to elaborate especially when you can't understand it. It's not always a show that one has to put on to be believable. Credence comes with simplicity and from simplicity and honoring truth, one is given more to work with. Otherwise...it is based on ego and fear and it's harder to hear or feel the message as that creates cotton in the ears and a muddled mind.

K: Wow. Okay so our back story is...and I talked to Paul and Benjamin Cole about it.

S: You did.

K: Sharon and I were coming back from Canmore and we got to talking about you...I guess. I can't really remember how it came up. Anyway, you came in like I had said, like you could take me out with a blink.

S: That strong, hey?

K: Are you kidding?

S: Okay. I will tell you something. It was the way you spoke of me. You were feeling the energy of those that have channeled my presence before.

K: Totally cool. I just wasn't having any of it.

S: (laughs) No. You weren't.

K: And the more we spoke and the more I told Sharon what you were saying...the more you settled down and it was almost like a bargain was struck. That if I acknowledged you as what I felt, personally, and treated you like...I don't know...like you're this cool guy that just comes honestly and humbly...

S: Yes.

K: That that would always be the case when you came. But you really haven't stuck around. You've just been passing by.

S: There was no need for me to come in. There was just a need...a personal need...to see how you were. You see, Spirits...whoever they may be, enjoy coming into people's energy or lives or places of existence when it's easy...when it's comfortable...when we can just simply ask how you are without you feeling as if you must bow or kneel or be fearful of who we were on that earth. Yes, there are times where energy comes in bigger and...this is to make a point of what you need and what we offer to you in the terms of love. But in just your daily interactions...a simple chat...we would love to meet you at your level of understanding. We would like to remove our shoes and just be in the company of those who just wish to talk, have a laugh, share ideas and call it a day or an evening. Those who are revered are revered for a very good reason and yes, they make a human cry or laugh with joy, but as the human receives and...allows the visits as friendly...we don't necessarily have to come in with that power because the purity of those emotions and the purity of that energy...you recognize that in you and we start to enjoy an equal playing ground.

K: Cool! That's cool. Thank you for that.

S: You've been moved to tears from time to time.

K: Yes.

S: And at those times...would you consider your emotional or mental state at 100%? Or did your angels or your guides or masters come in with that as medicine and you're emotional with the gift of their energy as they present it to you in terms of a healing?

K: I have to admit...I get emotional in a couple situations. When my energy is low or when spirit really wants me to feel their emotions about how they felt concerning whatever they're talking about. It's usually with people that have died that want to articulate how they felt at certain points in their lives. But that unconditional love that...let's say Jesus brings or Mary brings or God brings...Anton's made me cry a couple of times actually...it's because that love...it's so pure and real and it just hits you like a sack of hammers in a good way...a beautiful way. I don't know. I think when spirit wants to show you love...it's the unconditional that we're not always aware of or have felt before because a lot of times...love on Earth has conditions.

S: Yes. I would have to agree. So that is me in a nutshell. I come in...test the waters...see how the human needs me to be for another but if they cannot connect with the truth of what they, personally, need or what they need to hear...I tend to take a step back until they are in a place that they are willing to receive...in truth and in knowledge without the perception of what it 'should' or is 'supposed' (finger quotes) to look like.

K: What does spirit like? In terms of coming in and having people relay messages. What do they gravitate towards?

S: Authenticity. Simplicity. Simple is where everything lies because it's...freedom for more. The direct approach is always the best without the pomp and circumstance. That is what we gravitate to. And graciousness...a willingness to be thankful that we've dropped by instead of being compared to the mother-in-law that you wish would just simply walk away. I speak in general terms. I know you are quite in love with yours.

K: I am. She's been a wonderful support system for me. Both have. So then how do you feel about...reverence? Or celebration of a deity or whatever.

S: Respect and honor are wonderful things. But it would be best that if you choose to respect, honor and worship God or Spirit or Angels or whatever it is you wish to worship...that you do that with the Self as well. Because it's a relationship. We...worship, honor and respect you. Could you do that for yourself in the same way we do it for you? And once you did it for yourself...could you do it for another as we would do it for them?

K: Good point. So it's...it's like that two lane highway and we're able to give each other high fives as we pass by.

S: Just make sure you're driving slowly.

K: Good idea. How about we just high five each other in the hallway as we pass to go to class.

S: Better. (smiles)

K: Let's talk about your life a little bit.

S: Okay.

K: Son of a King.

S: That's usually how one becomes King.

K: But you weren't the oldest of David's kids so how did you get so lucky?

S: My father saw something in me that was different than the rest.

K: Was it your wisdom? Your smarts?

S: (smiles) It was. It was my willingness to see both sides of the coin.

K: Did you want the gig? Did you want to be King?

S: I learned early on that it was my destiny and I took the role very seriously.

K: Did you know from your dad? Or did you know from someone else?

S: Someone else. I had...knowledge passed to me from...you would call it a higher source. I just call it a willingness to listen and be in touch with my intuition and to notice the environment or the people around me. There is much that is not said with words. What isn't said with words is there to give, what you would call, a hunch. Sometimes by being an observer, you can see that something isn't right. Sometimes you can know what the future would bring based on what others are not saying but what their actions were. I paid attention to an intuitive sense as well as what others weren't saying but doing. There is a lot that can be learned by using these two abilities. This is power.

K: So were you really wise or did you just watch?

S: Wisdom comes with being able to enable street smarts as well as book smarts.

K: Let's talk your personal definition of wisdom. What do you feel it to be?

S: Oh...there's much involved. I would say it's part gut instinct...part mind.

K: And you had both?

S: Yes. I could read people's faces. I could read their emotions. Emotions never lie. Emotions come from the heart. They always tell a story. Indifference tells a story. Fear tells a story. Passion tells a story. Quiet tells a story. Wisdom comes from knowledge but it also comes from being able to read the stories of the emotions. The eyes...when you are speaking with someone or observing someone...where is your gaze? Do you gaze on something or someone else when someone is talking to you or you are talking to them? Or do you gaze into the eyes. Wisdom is part of an energy exchange. This is intuition. This is the intuitive part of wisdom. I enjoyed...a little too much...I enjoyed watching people squirm.

K: (laughs) Do you still?

S: (wicked grin) I do.

K: Okay. Here's what I think, Sully.

S: Sully? (big laugh) My God. No one has ever ever called me such a thing.

K: Well...it's me. I'm here to make friends. Get used to it.

S: I will.

K: I think you rather enjoy the side show sometimes after saying you like to see people squirm.

S: When channeling energy to bring hope, love and truth to an individual that requires that to find peace...I don't enjoy the side show. In any other circumstance...I do. Did you realize I came to you and Sharon in that smoke and mirrors way to see how you would react?

K: And were you disappointed? Really?

S: (laughs) I asked myself...why isn't it working? And then I looked deeper and, goodness, you are a truth teller of the blue ray...the act was pointless.

K: Ha! Nice try though.

S: At least you give me that.

K: Let's talk cutting babies in half.

S: Dear God, Kimberly.

K: You're famous for it.

S: Really. (muttering) Is that all the information you gathered about me.

K: Well, I mean...I don't really like to research a lot. I like to come from ground zero with these. But...it is a popular tale. Did it happen? Juicy details, please sir.

S: (sighs with a sneaky smile) I was ready to do it.

K: Get out of town!

S: You must understand...I lived in a time of darkness. Of threats that were actually carried out. People came to me with such ridiculous...requests. They caught me on a bad day.

K: (laughing hard) Are you for real?

S: It was person after person just whining about whatever. I cannot stop bugs from eating crops, okay. That is out of my jurisdiction.

K: Okay. So two women come to you with a baby. One says the other stole it or whatever and one says she gave birth to it. Was the kid really that special?

S: Apparently. God...the sniveling. The crying child. Good Lord...it was obvious who the child belonged to. It was reaching for its mother.

K: So why did you threaten to cut it in half?

S: They caught me on a bad day.

K: If it was so obvious...why was that piece of history hyped up as some sort of wisdom when it was clear who the child belonged to.

S: Because I was willing to...go above and beyond without fear.

K: What was the mother like when you threatened to cut the child?

S: Her honor was something to be admired. She was willing to forfeit the child...her child to allow it to survive. That is unconditional love. To be willing to lose something to benefit another...especially in regards to life...mothers do this. Fathers do this but with mothers...it is different. It is a different kind of sacrifice and it's a sacrifice that spans the child's entire life. Immediately...she showed me. Again, I observed. The child went to her. The other woman was killed for kidnapping. As I said...they caught me on a very bad day.

K: Wow. So you'll tell me if I piss you off just so I don't feel your wrath?

S: You will know well in advance although I don't observe that happening.

K: So there's not much on your death. John the Baptist was a little more exciting. Just saying.

S: (smiles) I'm sorry to disappoint you. I was relatively healthy.

K: What kept you healthy?

S: Simply...I guess you could call it remaining detached. Doing the best I could. Living in a way that was personal truth which gave me much power...

I'm scanning his human body.

K: You had a very very awake...healthy...your throat chakra looks friggin' amazing. Actually...you're solar plexus all the way to your crown...holy poop. You were lit up.

S: You think?

K: Oh...totally.

S: Thank you.

K: But...

S: I feel this has something to do with my relations.

K: Sacral chakra looks a little used.

He is laughing so hard he's making me laugh.

K: Honest to goodness gracious man...wives and mistresses. Let's talk.

S: What would you like to know?

K: How did you find the time?

S: (wicked grin) I could find it.

K: You didn't (implying relations)...with all of them.

S: No. I didn't. I kept a small...circle. And in that circle...I cared for them deeply. I respected all of them. I did. But in those times...women were collateral. They were a form of money. They were gifted to me. Some were handed to me by their families when they could not pay their debts. Those were concubines. Some were mistreated. None by me. I would inspect.

K: But if you weren't 100% okay with that...that women were money or something to own...why did you accept them?

S: It was under the employ of those you would call...Hhhhmmm...words fail me. Council...government officials...it was them. But...it was important to me that all were taken care of. There was rank. Yes. And those women of higher rank had more but no one was left wanting.

K: And I'm just supposed to accept that from someone who owned women.

S: You don't have to accept anything that I say.

K: Did you sleep with the Queen of Sheba?

S: Multiple times.

K: Did you love her?

S: I was enamored by her. I chose to give her anything she asked for. If she asked for something, I would give her more. It was not instant. I admired her way of thinking. I admired her wisdom. She was a woman that I could speak with well into the evening and it would never get dull. She became a confident until the time that she left.

K: Did you miss her?

S: Incredibly.

K: Did she give birth to your son?

S: She did.

K: Did you know him?

S: Not well. I knew him through correspondence.

K: Did he inherit your wisdom?

S: I would like to think that all of my children inherited my wisdom but it's a personal choice to use it or disregard it. Inherited wisdom can only go so far until the child chooses to incorporate it...as well as their personal wisdom and knowledge...into their own lives.

K: Did you try to impart that to your successor?

S: I did.

K: Was he successful?

S: Yes. But...at the time...he was up against a lot. The time of the Kingdom of Israel were not meant to go further than me. It died with me.

K: Was that a loss?

S: I don't consider it a loss. I consider it a time of evolution although...if you were to see it...it was more of a time of revolution.

K: If you were to have lived longer than you did, would you have been overthrown? Not a lot of people agreed with some of your acts as King.

S: Like I said, my kingdom died with me. It was not meant to continue as it had been. Change is always needed at certain times. Sometimes the change comes violently. Sometimes it comes peacefully. I died. I died peacefully. The transition...for the most part with Israel...was peaceful.

K: But...was it the dark ages at that time?

S: Yes. It was. My light could only reach so far to illuminate anything beyond that. My light died. I am showing you a shadow passing over land.

K: Yes.

S: That is an example. The light is never gone...the torch is passed but clouds...at times...block out the sun.

K: Very true. Understood.

S: (smiles) Good.

K: I've really really enjoyed your company. I've really enjoyed your...thank you for being relatable. I mean...even the way you talk and dress...I really appreciate that. It's just comfortable.

S: It's what I prefer. It's what anyone would prefer...to be able to just sit in a friendly way instead of a schooling way.

K: I'm lucky enough to be able to say that I've never had a channel where I've felt like it's been a classroom lesson on spirituality. I think it's because I like to keep it personable. That's really important to me.

S: Yes. I don't blame you. Much information can be gathered when...shields are lowered and we can just come together in shared respect.

K: I can feel how it would be a lot easier for spirit to come to anyone that would just sort of let down their guard a little bit instead of being on edge about...I don't know. I'm having trouble finding the words.

S: What about if channeling was accepting that a person was just...comfortable. Comfortable with what could be...with a sense of magic...comfortable with feeling more than what we're used to as humans and that was okay because it was meant to be. I have to tell you, Kimberly, everyone that connects is special. Everyone that dares to dream or believe or considers is special and worthy of communication in any way. If I were to leave here with one thought or lesson...it would be that. Everyone is entitled to remembering, to purity, to honesty...to Heaven. This is an important lesson. Whether a human being thinks of themselves as ridiculous for even giving something like me or angels or your celebrities the time of day because it's simply a made up version of make-believe...it's not. Death, a physical death is not an ending but a gateway to know more and when one is okay with...more it opens a human up to everything that they are. It is the was, am, will be. People tend to believe in the circle of life. It is more like a spiral of life. When life is viewed as a spiral it is continuous yet it continuous on and on instead of simply around and around.

K: Wow. A spiral. The spiral of life. I love that.

S: They say I know a thing or two.

K: I'm starting to believe that. Anything else on anything else?

S: Hhhmmm...I don't think so. I'm content.

K: Good.

S: One thing.

K: What's that?

S: I do like Sully. I enjoy that.

K: Cool. Sully it is. I love you. Thank you.

Sentimental look on his face. Oh boy...totally in the heart space. It's getting me emotional.

S: Love. Yes. I love you. Until next time...

K: See you.

S: Bye.

Waves a little and is gone. No lingering with this guy.

Cory Monteith Speaks on Romance

I don't know. Maybe I'm the least qualified to talk about romance but it's just something that I've discovered as being a lost art. I can fully admit to you that I was no Casanova. Maybe I could look at myself as some sort of loveable teddy bear that was always there for a squish. Whatever I was to people when alive...girls when I was alive...I feel like I could've done more or be more in the romance department. To me, what romance is...it's just showing that appreciation to your partner without necessarily expecting anything back but when appreciation is given to a partner, it really does come back and that can either be in a smile or a squeal or an awwww. I love that I could be that someone that could possibly show my partner that it's okay to be that or return that to me because me and my love for them is a safe place to be.

To me, romance is showing that safety and that security in giving and receiving affection. It's sort of that permission slip or that hall pass to be that action of love but what I sometimes see is that there's a certain amount of comfort that people fall into where all that mushy kissy kissy stuff just falls away and these couples get into this day in and day out of just providing for or staying alive for with no real...it's like the television has turned to black and white and the color's faded and it's this monotony of a relationship. Romance is the color people are looking for or craving. There's a real hunger for touch. Touch is a lost art especially in the romance department. People tend to look at overly affectionate people as being immature or get a room or so uncomfortable that it makes their stomachs turn. And I get that. There's totally a time and a place for a lot of affection. But it sort of bothers others because maybe they have never received that or they crave that and it's just these envious feelings that sort of well up from a place of empty in their own personal relationships.

So people walk this fine line of affection or no affection every day. What's appropriate and is this the time and place for appropriate? People think in terms of over the top when it comes to affection. It's either I'm gonna have my hands all over him or I'm going to have my tongue so far down her throat the other people won't be able to breathe or it's this...no way...it's too embarrassing so I'm going to withhold. Watching from here...I have to tell you guys...the littlest signs of affection sometimes make the biggest impact and if a person is in a new relationship and they're just shy and they don't know how to instigate the romance because they've never received it or have been able to give it...the littlest things mean the most and to the outside world...the littlest things look the most inviting.

Romance is expressed through touch and it's expressed through looks. It's expressed through the thought that counts. It's expressed through the closeness where you are sharing that same energy that touch doesn't even have to happen because as you stand close together while looking at what wine to buy to take to a friend's...that closeness in that store where you don't have to touch...I guarantee something...you're breathing each other in. It's that field of electricity where the hairs start to stand on end and that is that subtle romance where just the thought of someone you love...standing that close to you and knowing that you both are in life together...people looking at that know it's not something to interrupt. Not everyone can get in tune with that energy field and that's one of the most intimate connections there is but the build up to that connection is in the touch. The touch is letting a person know that it's okay to be with you. Sometimes people just can't get the nerve to take another person's hand because in their mind...that's crossing a line. Touch can be hard for those who never had it or had the wrong kind but when the intention is only affection and giving that hall pass to feel and make another person weak at the knees or feel lucky enough that a hand was extended in their direction...that's romance. There's a saying that when you hold someone's hand...you hold all of them and I have to tell you, I really believe this. There's this practice called acupuncture. And there's this practice where you can practice acupuncture on the ear and on the hand. So when looking at the hand as a whole body, when you reach out and take the hand of another in an intimate way...it's taking their whole self and that part of romance can sometimes be one of the toughest to indulge in or it doesn't last that long. When you hold another person's hand...you are holding their whole body and it's one of the most intimate exchanges that you can have with a person while walking down the street with your clothes on. It's a sign of cooperation...that you both are in this relationship together. It's a sign of protection, that your partner will always have your back. It's a sign of vulnerability telling your partner that you need their strength at this time and it's sharing and being on equal footing because you're presenting yourself as a union with that level of romance that tells everyone...you're in love.

Romance is also eye contact and this is sometimes a tough thing especially for people that see the souls through the eyes but that's just it. Romantic love is romancing the soul and the best way to do that is to look at the soul through the eyes. I've learned a lot here and the biggest thing that I have realized is that by looking into the eyes of someone you love...you see the deepest aspects of them that you are, ultimately, falling in love with. If a person cannot make eye contact with the one that they love...they are telling them that that trust factor isn't there. For romance to work, the couple has to trust each other because it's by being vulnerable and trusting someone that you are able to stare into the eyes and share that part of yourself that is your soul...that is your willingness to give to them at that deepest level. When being romantic, there is eye contact. There is speech with no words and that happens with a look. See, when you're interested in someone, you're constantly trying to make eye contact with them. It's because you want them to see you. Even if it's just a flirty look...it's still a look and being honest about your feelings or your intentions with a look will tell that other person that you only have eyes for them and they will either return that look or they will look away uncomfortably. Isn't that a huge tell that it's either going to happen or not. And from that eye contact...that idea of being romantic with someone can happen quicker and easier. It's the exchange through the eyes. Look, some people don't have the gift of sight. Some people lose their sight but what happens in its place? They touch. They trace the lines of their partner's face. They feel their lips. They feel their hair. The have to be willing and vulnerable enough to use touch and words to express themselves because the sight isn't there but there are other ways.

To be honest, the most romantic people that I have ever witnessed have to be the blind ones. The communication using the senses is over the top. It's unreal how much they are willing to give of everything else when missing that sight. The soul can be experienced, romantically, in other ways as well and those that have no sight or have lost their sight are the most skilled at finding that in. They use their hands and what was I saying about the hands? When you feel or hold a hand, you are feeling and holding that whole body.

Romance is an expression and it seems to be more of a reward for good behavior than actually just given with no strings attached. To be able to practice romance is re-inventing or re-learning the act of chivalry. Chivalry is not a lost art. It's just been misplaced and it can be both male and female...it's not always on the male. Look, ladies...romance is not just a guy's domain. Romance isn't the nude selfies and it's not the calls to see where they are because you don't trust what they're doing when you're not there. Guys, romance isn't the nude selfies and it's not waiting for a woman to bow down to feel worthy of some sort of affection when you think you have time. Romance is...the sticky note on the bathroom mirror before you leave for the day. It's the cup of coffee by the bed as the alarm clock. It's the gassing up the car so they don't have to. It's the adding a chocolate bar to the grocery cart because it's your partner's favorite. It's the helping with a jacket. It's the opening of a door. It's the coming up behind them when they're doing the dishes and giving them a squeeze and a nuzzle on the neck because you just felt like it. It's the quick call to hear their voice and saying as much. It's not the dozen roses but the single daisy. It's the respect knowing that they had a rough day and just need a minute to collect themselves so you give them that. It's all of these and so much more. All of these little things lead up to the giant things. One small step makes a big impact because in these small steps, it's just showing that your love is a safe place to be every moment of every day.

Everyone wants to feel safe and wanted. Everyone wants to find that place where they'll be needed just as they are. Everyone wants that Sunday afternoon nesting session where you're just lying there with no words but are playing with each other's fingers. Everyone wants that moment where they come out of the shower and they see a little note saying I love you. Romance is that space where the act of love is defined in such a way that it goes deeper than sex because it's in the everyday it happens. But it happens in a way that if someone's waiting for it without making the first move...they'll be waiting for a long time. Once you express it...you're giving permission to receive it. It's one of those two way streets.

You know what? Romance is the love notes that can't be poetry but because they were written just for the hell of it...they come off that way.

So yeah...I don't know if I'm the right guy to talk about romance. I don't know if I know anything about it. These are things that I just see. As I see them...I'm excited to share my two cents but that's just it. It's just my two cents. I loved. I loved so intensely that if it were to ever leave me...I would drown and yet...I loved so intensely that I was okay being away from that because I trusted that even if I wasn't there...it still existed. The romance was the proof of that. When you are able to follow your lover with your eyes from across the room and believe that by the end of the night...they'll be going home with you...that's romance. Or if you meet each other in an airport and hold each other like you've been gone for three weeks and it's only been three days...that's romance. It exists. It's not always in the abundant but the abundant happens with the subtle. The subtle always leads to something great and the something great after the subtle is always that big bang but people grow impatient. Romance is patient. I don't know. That's just sort of what I see. Take it from a guy that can sort of see it now. Romance...the definition is narrow but the explanation is broad. It's not one way. It's all ways and if you're willing to be vulnerable enough to give it...you're just allowing that part of you that is the unconditional to be received.

I think that's worth re-learning the act.

Take Care,

Cory.

Conversations with Aretha Franklin

I remember watching her funeral. It was such a celebration. I knew she was bigger than life but I didn't really know how impactful she was and still continues to be. She introduced herself like Spirit usually does. I think I was watching some YouTube video where someone was doing a cover and she dropped in so quickly it was crazy. And then all this information came pouring in. I don't listen to a lot of gospel music but I went to sleep with His Eye Is on the Sparrow which I didn't know she sang but it was validation that she was around. When she first came in...she talked a lot. She didn't hold back. As we were talking throughout the evening and into late in the afternoon the next day...she became more...laid back...intuitively engaged. There was just this enormous presence about her and yet...it was comfortable and it felt like she was a person that really had your back. I enjoyed her. I enjoyed her quiet and introspective...her listening to my every word but I also enjoyed her...don't fuck with me presence as well. And I swear about it because she would not put up with much in regards to fuckery when in the physical. Here is my conversation with Aretha Franklin.

A: I'm here. I'm here. Lord in Heaven, I am here. (pronounces the individual words) and I am ready for you. You, you, you. I'm gonna tell you a story.

K: Okay...(she's rapid fire)

A: I got home (Heaven). And I saw my Whitney and Krissy. And I...you know...I needed a little time to get myself comfortable because you never know how these things are gonna go...

K: (chuckling) What?

A: (waves me away) I'll explain. Now...I was talking to Whitney and she told me there was this woman that you could call if you wanted to say some things...get some things off your chest...do a re-cap in your own words...

K: Sure....

A: And she showed me.

K: That's funny you should mention Whitney because she just popped in yesterday for me.

A: Did she...well...must've been because I said I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm here.

K: And I didn't know you knew George!

A: I know him. Fine young man. Fine fine man. I love George.

K: So do I. He's just so amazing. Everyone is, really.

A: So...I'm sorry, you know (shrugs) that I came on strong this morning and I know you are a busy girl and I'll hang tight because God in Heaven I am here and I would like to close things up the best that I know to do.

K: Why do you feel the need to close things up?

A: I find...people need to know things that we can't necessarily understand in life.

K: Yeah. I get that.

A: And opportunities like this can be few and far between. Things gotta (does a little shoulder dance and snaps her fingers) things gotta jive just right. You know what I'm sayin'?

K: Not really but I feel it.

A: I gotta be in step...in the groove with people or else my back just gets up. I gotta have a level of trust with people I speak with. They have to get me.

K: Totally. Totally understand.

A: You get me.

K: Not so far but I will.

A: (smiles) Child...you get me. It's good. It feels good. I'm so happy that you got my call.

K: Me too. I haven't had a visitor in a long time. Thank you.

A: Well, there's quite the lineup but you have a little bulldog that has your best interests at heart. Well now...from what I can see (looks over my head) you gotta a lot of bulldogs. Some ain't so small. That's alright. I have my womanly ways.

K: (LAUGHING!) Oh...that'll work. (joking sarcasm)

A: It did. So...you ask and I'll answer.

K: That's pretty much how it goes. You've been giving me quite a bit of synchronicity and we'll get to that but first...Your Majesty. Welcome. (tipping my chin a little)

A: As you were, Girl. As you were. No need.

K: Give me a break. You loved it.

A: I still do. I worked for that. I will continue to do it proud.

K: What was being dubbed Queen of Soul like for you?

A: I felt it. I felt it in my entire being. And even when things took a dive or they sort of just even keeled...I still felt it and I knew that beyond any adversity that might befall me...I was still a Queen. Even queens can struggle. It's how you respond to your struggles that will dictate if you can carry your crown or if you must pass it off. The slow times...as frustrating as they could be...were a time of restructure. Things in music change fast; so fast. My time out was so I could understand that and learn to work with that because it was still my business and honey, I never took no for an answer. I rolled with my punches.

K: Because it's been so long for me...not really. I mean Anthony came in but it's like we've known each other for ever...

A: Yes. See...you understand. You jive with him.

K: I do. I really do but I questioned it like...Nah. Aretha Franklin is in my dining room...get out of here. But then you showed me Whitney and then you sang me His Eye Is On The Sparrow before I went to sleep and then I see that you did a song with George and I really have to thank you. I wish more Spirit would talk to me like that instead of me trying to do this at face value because it just gives this underlying current of respect.

A: Oh...I know about that.

K: (laughing) I know you do. I just wanted to thank you for that.

A: It's love, Child. It's everything to do with L.O.V.E and it shows in the simple ways. I'm not sayin' that those who do not offer you that do not love. I'm tellin' you that...you are in a specific place to receive love. I was talking to Mr. Bulldog over there...(points to Simon)

K: (grinning because I can feel Simon grinning)Yeah.

A: The gatekeeper. Anyway, there have been a lot of changes with people and for that reason...people are needing more protecting and guarding. It's not that there hasn't been visits. It's just that hearts are tender these days and it's important...just like in the months or years that music was more quiet than sung...we rest. We take that as a cue that we need to pull back because there really is more to follow but we have to be prepared. Being prepared is...discovering the more that has suddenly made itself apparent and when we take the time to tune into that...we prepare. So many people are unnerved with the amount of silence around them and they search out (grabbing at the air) for something that will fill that; maybe some dramatizing of an original song that has been sung. But...there's a time for fresh ideas...new songs to be sung and while people are getting ready to hear (points to her ear) the tune...they must sit back. They have to recognize the tune again.

K: Are you speaking about frequency?

A: Yes. The frequency is different now. It's the same song but sung at a higher pitch.

K: That's so interesting that you should say that. I have been getting a lot of ringing in my ears and it's at a different pitch. It's a higher octave...almost...is the best way that I can describe it.

A: And so you must learn to sing at the higher octave. You know how to sing but to match the tone...the vibrato. It's re-learning old songs to make them new again. So many people are doing this. So many are not. It's interesting to me how there continues to be such a divide in regards to doing and not doing. This can be anything. But the divide...it's so wide. How do we get across the great divide to join each other or begin to recognize each other again? This is the plan. This is the glorious plan. We are...building a bridge. Not just between heart and soul but between human beings.

K: Sometimes it's really hard to see that.

A: I agree. It's hard to see it but what if...people started to look up...watch the birds fly...the sparrow fly. Pretend...to be the sparrow and then look down...would the view be different. Could humanity begin to see the bridges? You could see the bridges.

She's showing me the Nazca Lines in Peru.

K: It's a good point. Do you see the bridges?

A: I see them. I tried to build as many as I could when I lived. Building bridges is building relationships. Bridges can be built but they also must be maintained. The maintenance of the bridges can, sometimes, be the hardest part depending on how well they were built in the first place.

K: Yes.

A: Enough about that. People want to know how I am. (straightens and sits back getting comfortable)

K: They sure do.

A: I'm just fine. Mmm mmm mmm...(nods her head back and forth) I am just fine.

K: How was it for you? Your passing?

A: My dying?

K: (laughing) Touché.

A: Fine. It was fine. I was a tough woman. I never liked to let on to anyone that I was suffering because what is suffering? To me...suffering is complaining about circumstances that were given to you by God himself to prove to yourself and the world around you that you are strong. It's not a test. It's a knowing that you can do your part. I was sick for a long time but I continued. I walked my path regardless of the circumstances God gave me because he gave them to me knowing that I could be the definition of a strong woman. I hurt. I cried. But I also had this...trust that God would never give me anything that I couldn't handle and at the end...I would meet my maker and he would wrap me in his arms and tell me, Aretha...Ree Ree...I had no doubt that you could do it.

K: And did that happen?

A: It did. I was wrapped up. I did what I set out to do. I changed many faces of many things. I came in knowing and I went out knowing more. I had a love affair with life. With any love affair there can be drama and heartache...worry, remorse, sensuality, sexuality, love, passion....drive....ambition. I had a love story with my life. I was not scared to die because when I did...I would now have a love story with my soul. A different kind of love story that would also include the understanding of the why's and how come's.

K: That's amazing.

A: It is. And...to be able to come back and share that...share that love story and let people know that...Mamma's okay. I'm okay. I'm more than okay... it's such a blessing. A rare event. I was a private woman. I didn't like to talk about my love story. To me...it was my love story. I spoke through the music and the performances but my home...was my love story. The people of my life were my love story and sometimes they didn't know they were my love story but I can say it now.

K: Do you still sing?

A: I do. I sing all the time.

K: Awesome. I always hope that people still continued to do what they loved as a human...that they continue to do it in Spirit as well.

A: I like to sing and grab attention. I sing to build that bridge to my children...my grandchildren...my family. There is nothing like a song to connect you to something that you love...to connect you to a love story.

K: You retired and you said it was to spend more time with your family. Was that because you knew your health was failing?

A: Yes. I struggled with my health...mostly silently for a long time. I felt it was time to come home and be home because I knew that God was calling me home. Oh, I was always there for them. I was always a phone call or a knock on the door away but I needed to make them my priority. You never want to die and leave people guessing about how much you actually did care. When I felt it was time...that my body was struggling a little bit here and there, I had this little voice that told me...it's time to stop. Time to slow down. There was nothing new for me to learn. I grew into everything that I had set out to do. So I needed to come back home. And I did. To a large extent I did.

K: Did you maybe think that there were little projects that you could do?

A: Yes. I had little projects that I could do but I chose them specifically to...work with those I admired...that I respected...that I loved. I was very choosy and I needed to give of myself smartly. If a person spreads themselves too thin...they can't give that to the people who really need it. The last few years of my life...I needed to spread myself only so much so I could continue to give love and be in love with my family...even my friends. I still found this need to be there for them. I was there for many people because I enjoyed being that for people. I enjoyed being a bulldog to people and it was important...even if my body was failing...that my heart would not.

K: That's so beautiful. That is so great. Thank you for that. Gosh, I don't even know what to ask. Why no flying?

A: Death trap in a tin box. They panicked me...the tin boxes. I had a fear of them. I did not find it a reliable mode of transportation.

K: What brought that on?

A: A flight...

K: You're showing me almost a false alarm or some sort of emergency that scared you but was rectified but you didn't care.

A: Once was enough. It wasn't a risk I was willing to take. If people wanted to see me perform...they would need to come to me. I wouldn't risk myself.

K: That's a pretty over the top assumption.

A: I am a pretty over the top woman and I could be demanding because I knew of my needs and flying...was not one of them. No. N.O.

K: Got it. No flying. Speaking of demanding...You were somewhat of a diva.

A: Oh yes. (chuckling) Yes. I was.

K: Why? I mean you were loved so I'm assuming, at times, you could ask nicely.

A: (laughs) Because I earned it. I worked for it. At times I felt like I put so much on the line for one thing. I was a part time mother for many years. I sacrificed a steady home to make a name for myself.

K: I don't agree because it seemed as if you always went back (home) because you knew of its importance.

A: Yes. It was important to me to not forget my roots...have my boys grow up with those roots but I had to trust that they would be raised in those roots by those who established mine. And entrusting those women...my grandmother...my sister...I could fly. They gave me the air to fly on. I was already the bird. I was already the sparrow. I just needed the air.

K: Seriously, Aretha...you're incredible the way you describe things. Unreal. I love it.

A: Well...how else am I gonna talk? You don't want just yes and no answers. We gotta...decorate.

K: (laughing) Yes. Decorating is good.

A: And I am in the perfect place to do that.

K: I agree. Speaking of home...I'd like to talk about Detroit.

A: Yes. Yes. I can talk about Detroit.

K: I don't know if this is correct anymore but Detroit seemed to be this place that was becoming a little...broken down. Not a lot of jobs and infrastructure was failing. Violence...

A: Mmm hhhmmm.

K: But...it's this little gem. I can't describe it. Tell me about Detroit.

A: Detroit...is the birthplace of soul...it's the birthplace of music. You have God's church and you have Detroit and it's the same in my eyes. If you look deep into Detroit...you find the soul of people and the expression of that soul was always in the music of the city. It is the birthplace of...it is deeply felt. God created Detroit for those who wanted to touch the face of expression through sound...through music whether that be lyrics or just the tune. The energy of the people of Detroit...they knew this...they know this. The passion of the people of Detroit is so...intense that it is expressed in so many ways. The violence is one. Unfortunately...passion can be expressed as violence because of a desperation that people feel. We are not a quiet people. We are a loud people. How it's expressed is completely up to the individual who chooses to express that for themselves.

K: Whitney...I mean...that's a triangle.

A: Yes.

K: What was all that for?

A: (grunts) I...Kimberly...I have no words. I had a lot of words but I don't have words. I loved that woman. I loved her mother. I loved her. Whatever people's assumptions were...They could never know my heart or what I was willing to give. She came to me looking for a mentor...a teacher...a trusted companion that she could come to. She had so much going on...she had...sometimes Whitney could have little faith. This is what happens when the heart is stretched so thin. Whitney's story is not mine to share. I loved her. We vibed. Her mother was someone that I relied on. Her mother was a confident of mine because we came from similar lives...had the same love for Jesus and family...had the same love for music. I could call her at any time and so I extended that same...invitation to her daughter.

K: I find that there was a lot of speculation in regards to the media about it or whatever it was.

A: Yes. (nods) Yes. But...you will never see truth in the words of someone that is watching from a distance. People liked to watch from a distance and believe that they knew anything about anyone. It continues. There are "sources" (finger quote) "credible sources". My source is my mouth. My source is my voice. If you didn't hear it from me...you didn't hear it. Case closed.

K: And that makes sense because you were a very vocal woman. If something didn't sit well with you...you spoke about it. If you didn't want to speak about it...you would say that. You knew your yes and no. Do you think that's why people thought of you as this Diva image...this "Queen"?

A: Yes. I do. I commanded and I demanded. I was loud and I was soft and quiet but because it was in my presence...people did not argue with it. Because it was in the clothes I wore and it was in the electricity around me. I knew me well enough and so I did not hide behind the words of others. I spoke them for myself and I spoke them freely. Look at my body and tell me if you think that body could not speak or did God give me the big lungs to be able to speak loud...to sing loud-ly. My body was the vehicle for my expression of yes/no...song. You look at my image and you tell me if I could even be shy? I couldn't. I was built in a way that you could never second guess where I was coming from or if what I was presenting either vocally or physically...was a mask. I wore no masks. Who I was on stage was who I was in life. I did not believe in pretense. Take me or leave me. There was one power that owned me...and that was my Great I Am.

K: When you lived...did you believe in that Great I Am and did you believe that it worked through you?

A: Yes. I had no doubt in my mind that I was an expression of that and I expressed that while remaining grateful. But I also had to remain true and I had to stay in trust. Through it all...I maintained trust and that's what gave me the...audacity (winks) to be Aretha; to be the Queen of Soul.

K: I want to talk about...first I want to bring up Celine Dion.

A: (low chuckle) Yes.

K: I heard a long time ago...you guys did a diva concert or something about a bunch of great female artists coming together to do some sort of concert...

A: Mmm hmmm.

K: I remember that you had the floor...I think it was singing You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman...long title...anyway...

A: (chuckles)

K: And there was a little bit of a battle between you two and people were...some were horrified.

A: That they were.

K: That Celine would sing overtop of you.

A: (shifts in her chair) Let me tell you something.

K: Please do.

A: When you come on stage with me...when you share the stage with me...you bring it or you go.

K: For real?

A: You bring it to my table...it is my stage...you bring it to my table or you go. You get ready to play. I love a challenge. Rarely did anyone challenge me. She did. I respected that. She challenged me...me. At first...I questioned what had just happened on my stage with my song. Mmm hhhmmm....And then I realized...it wasn't a competition. It was respect. She was singing that way to me out of respect and honor that she was on my stage. I didn't get this sense of...she was trying to beat me at my game. She was playing with me. I have much love for Celine. For such a small thing...she has incredible pipes. I told her as much. Everyone was so...oh my God what does she think she's doing. Me...after the initial surprise...I was alright alright. When a person could show me...through singing one of my songs...that it was still honored in the way that I needed it to be because all of my songs were personal to me...each one had a story. That's why I sung them. But when someone could show that to me...alright alright. You are invited. Welcome to my stage. We all have to share our stage at some point. I don't just share it with anyone. That was a special night. It was a night of honoring women in music. Who am I not to honor the people that sang with me that honored me by singing such a special part of me? That concert gave me a better understanding of what it meant to be respected. It wasn't so much about cowering. It was show and tell of what my work meant to them and they would sing it with such passion and with such soul...then they got it. It was my soul they connected to and that was respect. Don't cower before me. Own yourself and show it to me as I would show you. You bring it to my table. That is true respect.

K: Did you find that many people would cower to you?

A: If they did out of fear than they didn't know me. Just as God gave me lungs to sing...so did he give me a heart to love. I had a big heart. I only wished for people to meet me with theirs. Love does not cower in fear. Love is shared mutually. Those that shared it mutually with me were part of my fold of friends and family and always welcomed. He is mighty...He is powerful but He is the almighty love. I am a piece of that. I giveth and I recieveth as well. I was never above anyone's giving when it came to love.

K: And I truly believe that is why...so much good was said about you. You were celebrated for so long just because of who you were to people. I mean...I remember watching your funeral service and the amount of adoration just by people saying how loving you were and how inviting you were...caring and compassionate you were...it was all there. For anyone to question that...I think it was a huge assumption because of your presence. People...if they are really comfortable in their own skin and really...confident...sometimes they come off as a bitch.

A: (chuckles) Yes. Many many times was I assumed to be a bitch. But I tell ya...(shakes head) You never really got to know me. I could be difficult. I could be demanding. I've said that before. But if you were to come back stage with me...more times than not I would look at you in your eyes and welcome you. Even if it was just for a moment...I had the ability to notice when it was just fine to welcome someone. I did. It's how you presented yourself to me.

K: Do you think you were in touch with your intuition?

A: (smiles) I was. I could read people like the back of a book. I could see their synopsis. Because of that...sometimes I became very guarded. That was when I came off as...in your words...a bitch.

K: Ah. Got it. Makes sense.

A: Yes. I met a lot of people in my life. Heart and soul means something. Intention means something. A work ethic means something. Come at me with all of it. If not all of it...then nothin' at all because I don't have time for anything that is anything less than what I bring.

K: So you are a big believer in authenticity and integrity. Not hiding behind any sort of pretense or wish.

A: Wishes come true with authenticity and integrity. True and lasting success is built on little else. I had longevity because I practiced that. If I was a fake or a fraud...I would not have made such an impact. I stood for my beliefs whether that be political or religious or just personal objectives and insights. It creates longevity.

K: There's a lot of assumption...I feel...with people looking from the outside in with you. I mean...as you sit with me...you're very warm. You're very approachable. Last night you were very chatty. So I wonder why the assumptions?

A: Presence. I suppose presence would be an indicator. I had presence. I was a large presence...physically. The clothes...the need to look refined and settle for nothing less...if that isn't part of you...you cannot relate to that and so assumptions are made. In other words...it's a judgement call. I liked what I liked and I was vocal about it. Did that make me a bitch? To some...that couldn't understand that or did not want to see the softer side of this woman...Yes. It did. Did that bother me? No. Because I was not interested in people's assumptions. Assumption is another word for lies. I was not interested in lies because I was truth.

K: Wow. That hits home so much!!!! Thank you.

A: The greatest teacher that you will ever have is the teacher of truth. Through discovering truth you start to develop an appreciation for the world around you and you begin to understand what's important...what's real and what's not.

K: You kept it real.

A: I certainly did and I attracted that as I lived that way.

K: Nice.

A: It's a very easy concept but you have to be comfortable in your own skin to participate in that.

K: Yeah...that's the tough part.

A: For a lot of people...it is.

K: I'd actually like to talk about your children for a moment and nothing personal. I'm not a gossip column.

A: No...you're not that.

K: I like the deeper meanings.

A: Don't we all, Sugar. Don't we all.

K: My Auntie Wendy had all boys and I once asked her about it. She said she would never change a thing. All boys. Thoughts?

A: My boys...taught me so much about being a woman. They inspired me to be...my woman. I can't tell you how raising boys reminds you of your womanhood...they reveal the nakedness and when I say that I do not mean sexuality. I mean the vulnerability of what it is to be feminine.

She's showing me a clip of the film 300 where the woman says, Only Spartan women give birth to real men. Very powerful.

A: Only Spartan women give birth to real men...do you know what that means. Women are powerful in every right. They have the right to speak and be heard because...for one...they give birth to human beings. They give birth to real men and in the raising of these men...I felt empowered. That was their gift to me. Even young...I understood that if I didn't like the behavior of men...it was up to me to raise real men with an awareness of what a woman brings to this world through birth...through rising up...through raising life. It is the responsibility of a powerful woman to raise the men of this world with an awareness of equality...of nurturing...of love...of beauty...of all these things that would be termed "feminine" they are just as important to teach to men to create a world where each...feminine and masculine...can be freely expressed. God gave me an opportunity to change the course of time...to right some wrongs that I have witnessed and been a part of through the birth of my sons. I did not take that for granted but I had to be that example so they could take that and express that with the lives and families they would create. It starts in the arms of a mother.

K: (stunned) No words. However...

A: (laughs a little)

K: I do ask my son...am I raising a gentleman or am I raising an arshole? Depending on his mood...he'll answer gentleman...when he really wants to be an arshole.

A: (nods and laughs) Very well put. Very well put. And sometimes they do want to be...what is that word...arshole...okay. We need to remind them of that from time to time. What is my job and am I doing that job...it's a day to day thing sometimes. But in the end...right is up.

K: Tell me about it. You had a very close relationship with all of your family.

A: Yes.

K: Is there anything you felt you needed to...maybe make up for in regards to that?

A: No. No...never. My family never took anything at face value. We're a very loving unit that only extends to welcome. You saw it. You saw at the funeral...how welcoming we were because it was broadcasted. That was me...my family...inviting you to celebrate with us...my life. My life was celebrated with the world because the world contributed to all that I was. It was important to me for that to be shared.

K: I want to talk about your funeral for a second. Some people thought it was...the pastor or minister..sorry I don't know the label...

A: Fine. Fine...

K: Some thought he used it as his own personal soapbox?

A: I heard. I saw. Reverend Jasper...Jasper...did what he thought was best. What people fail to understand was that it wasn't just him. I was remembered through the words and songs of everyone. Yes, it was an opportunity for him. I knew who he was. I asked him, personally. Am I offended? No. That's Jasper. There were many many critiques of performances or words spoken or what didn't happen. Through sadness...it isn't always easy to sing. Through sadness...it isn't always easy to speak. But...they did. And that's what it was always ever about. And I wanted to leave this earth with a party. I did that. I orchestrated that and I was proud to witness that. I did not ask to be revered at a funeral. Others wanted that for me. I wanted my life...what I chose to live and work hard for and towards...I wanted that celebrated because for every one person that celebrated...I was lifted closer to heaven on the wings of their celebration. Not by my own.

K: You must have wanted an easy ride because there were so many prayers for you...and well wishes...tears and laughter. My God, woman. You have always been such a sight to behold.

A: I know...I know. (chuckles softly)

K: My only hope is that I've done your spirit justice. I don't really like to get into the life and times thing anymore. There's other things that are more meaningful that maybe give a little more closure.

A: Yes. That's probably why I was referred to you.

K: Civil rights...?

A: Civil rights...it is the political term for equality. I fought for equality...being a minority of the world...it was part of my...plight. I say plight because...it was, at times, a difficult road. There are so many with no voice. Again, you see me...I could be the voice for many if they allowed it and I was. I took it upon myself to be the voice of those who couldn't. They just couldn't or they were not loud enough. I was a fundamentalist in joining voices. If one couldn't talk so loudly...I gave them my own. In these cases...we were many joined for and on behalf of the many. It created substance. It created a community. And in communities...there is a chance for change because we are all free to learn from the influence of each individual person regardless if they are a mother...a father...a child...a singer...a bus driver...a janitor...a nanny. Status meant nothing. The human being meant everything. The human being naturally joins a collective but the collective is broken so if you have the view of the sparrow...you can see the bridges and it's easier to believe and have faith in a collective and not continue to look at someone as a stranger. It is so important...now more than ever. It is what will be the game changer. If I have been the influence of anything...I would hope it would be to see a brother...a sister in the human being standing next, in front, behind you and not a stranger. We feel joy...sadness...anticipation...we feel the same things with different labels. We see the same things that we want to change. We must start doing that together. Join the tribes. They are calling.

K: The clarion call.

A: Amen. Yes...Amen. Hallelujah.

K: Thank you. I don't think I'll have any questions but if I do can I call you in?

A: Of course. You know my number.

K: I do. And if I don't...thank you.

A: No, darlin'. Thank you. Thank you. It's been a sincere pleasure. Even if you can't sing.

K: I can't. I totally can't. Don't even ask.

A: I won't. I won't put you on the spot.

K: But thank you for singing for me last night. Thank you so much for my personal lullaby.

A: I have never stopped and I never will. You take care of yourself. Tell those bulldogs they can stand down. No need here.

K: With you?

A: With anyone.

K: I like the company.

A: Well...just by lookin' at them...I can't say I blame you.

K: That too.

A: Take care of yourself.

K: I will. Thank you for your trust.

A: It's an easy thing. I had no question when I was referred.

K: Good to know.

A: I'll see you, honey. You behave.

K: Always....maybe never.

A: Good girl.

K: Bye, Aretha.

A: Bye.

Blows me a kiss and is off...poof...fade and cut.

Simon Speaks on the Word Terminal

I dislike the word terminal. It is too final. One must realize that there is a momentum of continuity in all things. Humans perceive life as a start and stop; as a beginning and an end. It is not so. Yes, things come to a halt at times but are they really halted, stopped, ended...or in these times of inaction, is it an either/or in regards to left or right, start/stop, beginning/end? Things morph into what they were always intended to be. Human beings morph internally and thus, their outside world reflects this. There is always a game changer in these types of words that take on a feeling of end. Separation, divorce, being fired, death, fail...all of these things in the mind of the human, hit the Self like they have hit a brick wall. They have gone into some sort of environment where nothing exists any longer and they mourn what was instead of celebrating what could be. All things that seemingly end are only a transition in what could be. Energy is given to what was and rightfully so. What was could have made you who you are today. You would never be the person you are today without people, places, situations, experiences all joining together to shape who you are as a human being. But who you are as a human being is so much more than what is assumed. The human being would be wise to celebrate the aftermath with a sense of...anticipation. The human being could celebrate what was lost as a potential for the perfect future for them...personally or for the one that is considered gone, for the job that was left behind or taken way, for the marriage that has seemingly fallen apart and for the love that has drawn their last breath. Does this make me heartless to believe that to celebrate what was, is minimizing the heartbreak of an ending? I speak to you as someone who has lost much...including my human existence by my own hand. I speak to you as someone who has experienced sorrow and feeling endings and of abandonment and betrayal. I do not speak to you without knowing the pain or the suffering of terminal...of the end. But, I also come to you as someone who has experienced the joy of the morphing into something more. There is joy in this space. This space does not only exist where I dwell but on your earth and in your personal lives as well.

When one has lost...or seemingly lost someone precious, either through breakup, divorce or death...it is painful. It is devastating for all parties. But after a period of mourning, is there not an understanding that life continues and if you were to witness, some days months or years down the road, the person you were separated from, smiling and at peace with what has transpired...is there not some sort of comfort there that all is how it needs to be? Is it not something to believe that after one has lost someone to death and after the heart begins to beat once again, is it not peace that fills this space believing those that have died continue in some way; that their humanness seemed to be terminal but their spirit never is and they continue in the glory that is the right of all?

No, I do not belittle your endings. I wish for you, in the moments after your terminals, your endings, your no's and your downs, to begin to feel and think further than what only your eyes and your brain can grasp. It is in these times that those seemingly left behind or forgotten, dig deep and feel and know what is beyond the brick wall that you have before you. This brick wall does not extend left and right into infinity. Even the wall that your Trump wishes to build will have a beginning and an end point. Even your Berlin wall fell into rubble because walls are never permanent structures. They are there for a time until the human being can look past the barrier and see...feel into the great beyond. Nothing is boarded up permanently. Your loss is always found again.

I dislike the word terminal.

It is a word that delivers shock and fear to the already racing mind that all is lost and can never be recovered. Even treasure is unearthed at some point. Every human being is a treasured piece of life that continues to evolve and morph into so much that is beyond your metaphoric wall and structures that seemingly block your life path. The human being's ending is merely a transformation into something more than what you assume could ever be. This is something to be celebrated.

What a difference in wording. Speak it out load. Terminal. Transform. Which leaves more room to breathe? Terminal is squishing something into the ground, forever to be lost, mourned and forgotten. Transform is a recreation of something that already was...of something that will always be but it will be different. Different...how does that word roll off your tongue? Is there anxiety or fear there that different would appear to be such that it could never be regained...regrouped...even continue? Or is different allowing something or someone to be morphed, changed or restructured to be who or what they were always meant to be and that it could be more than whatever was to you, personally. Could the different in someone or something be, ultimately, a blessing in a disguise that if given a chance...could benefit who you are or could be by the example of who they are now?

Transformation...different...these are the brick walls that have been built. These are seemingly endings but are in disguise. Your walls, remember, were never to stand forever. Brick by brick they will crumble and each brick will be chaos and they will be peace. Transformation is a process. Different is a process. Just as your Berlin seemed chaotic...at the base of that was a desire for peace. There was an ending...yes. But in the end, there was a morphing of what was separate into something that has become one. Politics aside, this is happening now. This happens on a personal level and on a global scale and it can be seen as chaotic. It can be seen as destructive. It can be seen as different. It can be seen as terminal. It can be seen as sorrow. But in the destruction of your brick wall...you are coming out of your illusions and into what is. You are reaching beyond what you believe to be, to my side of the veil that you consider separate, into what is truly all one. Nothing is separate from you. Nothing is ending for you. It is all changing into something that you cannot or refuse to recognize. This is why I must challenge you to see and feel beyond what you consider normal...comfortable, into what is different. Not everyone will. Some will even think me foolish to even speak such things...that everything you are going through or everything that you have lost or that has come to an end can be spoken of so simply. And yet...you understand that with words...it can. I can only use words because it is with words that you will read. It is only with the heart that you will feel what I am telling you now.

No. I do not like terminal. It limits what you, as a people, are. Through the fall...you will rise. Through the end...you will begin. Through your dark...you will shine. Through your chaos...there shall reign peace. Through your terminal you will transform. You are all that ever was, is and shall be. This is different. It is not terminal. You are not limited. Only your thoughts...your beliefs have limited you. Allow more.

And So It Is,

Simon.

Conversations with Luke Perry

When Luke died, I was asked by a reader if I had seen him. I hadn't and I wasn't really expecting to. I mean, I get shown faces and such but the actual energy of the person is very different. I saw his face. I saw that he was good and to be able to see that and be told that, yeah, everything's okay just brings a lot of comfort. Whoever it is, it just helps. I saw a dog get hit by a car one day and he died instantly. While two people were dragging this large dog off the road, I was horrified. I felt so horrible for this poor animal until Paul came in and showed me that he had him. Dog was good so I like when I see faces of people that have passed and I'm told all is well. That's what happened with Luke. Then, just recently, I felt his energy. And if anyone has been following me, I'm not a big fan of channeling someone right after they die. It's just not...I feel like there should be some time. It's a respect thing for me...mostly for those that have lost their loved one. But...it doesn't always work that way. I'm glad it didn't because he is just so...down to earth and easy going and polite and funny and just your all 'round really great guy. He was very honest with his passing and how he felt and he was patient. I spent a couple of days with him just to get to know him a little so I was surprised that the actual morning I could sit with him, he was ushered into this room with a leather armchair. I mean, the armchair's always there. It's the guest chair but to be ushered in...that was a new one. Anyway, Luke's fine. He's more than fine; just a straight up gentleman. Here is my conversation with Luke Perry.

K: Were you actually shown a place to sit?

L: (grins) I was. It was weird. I was showing up all day yesterday and then this guy just points me to this chair and he said take a seat. He actually said, she'll be right with you.

K: Who was he?

L: I don't know. Some short guy. He's back there.

Can't see anything as he gestures behind him.

K: That's crazy.

L: It's a little weird. Oh well. I can be ushered. That's fine.

K: I've never heard that from anyone before.

L: To be honest...I think there's a ticket you have to take with a number on it that will show you your place in line.

K: You're so joking with me right now.

L: I'm honestly not. I swear. I mean...that's the image. I'm learning a lot about imagery here. It's cool and sort of weird at the same time. To talk with imagery. I like my voice. I like to use it but it's just very different.

K: But kind of the same because I heard that it's sort of like you're remembering how things are done because you're returning to somewhere that you used to live.

L: It's true. I mean...there's a certain recognition after a while but it's different for everyone and it's still pretty new for me so...you know that movie with Robin Williams. He dies and goes off to some place.

K: Yes. I've referenced that before. I think it's What dreams May Come. I'll check...

Checking.

K: Yep. That's the one.

L: I really suggest to anyone to watch that movie because it's sort of like that. You're sort of reluctant to leave. You want to stay back because there's a certain amount of trepidation with it. Plus, you have people that you love so you want to sort of hang back and make sure they're okay because really...(points to his forehead in a sign of confusion, chuckling a litte) you're not sure how it's gonna go. And when I...left and came here it was all these things that I liked and did and saw and was just completely awestruck by back home...it was like that but it just surrounded me as this place of heaven and it was way more colorful and it was way more...it was just something that I can't put into words.

K: Did you have a welcome home party right away?

L: Ummm...it sort of happened in groups. It was like I was brought to this place of what I remember in life...like what struck me as beautiful or what experiences just added to my life...those sorts of feelings became my environment here (points down) and I think that "heaven" (finger quote) does that for a reason. I think it's because they want you to still recognize something so it brings you a certain amount of peace that everything's okay and that you're safe. What really struck me as unreal was that...I was who I was but...I wasn't. It was the strangest feeling but a good feeling. It was like I knew all of my own secrets. I was just more than what I thought I was and it all just came pouring out and sort of wrapped around me making me more than what I was before I died. So I was standing in my body but it felt bigger and wider somehow because I was completely aware of who I really really was as...me.

K: That sounds really cool.

L: It was pretty cool and it was a little overwhelming and if I actually breathed (doesn't need air anymore) I would say that it felt like after a run...where you're somewhat out of breath and you just have to take a minute and get your breath back and get that heartbeat back to normal...

K: Yeah.

L: It was sort of like this re-grouping.

K: How long did that take?

L: Not long. It happened...the first time it happened it almost knocked me off my feet and as I continue to adjust...it still happens, just not in the same way as when I first got here.

K: So you're adjusting fine.

L: I am.

K: It sure looks like it. I have to tell the readers something and I hope you don't mind.

L: No. (laughs a little bit) I said I was sorry.

K: I know. So I was teasing Luke a little bit about the way he died. I was a little bit of a shit and I was saying, Really? A stroke. Come on.

L: (rubbing his lips as he smiles) Yeah. And then I just kept apologizing I know I know. I'm sorry. What was I thinking?

K: What were you thinking?

L: I wasn't. I wasn't really. I sort of went numb all over.

K: Did you have any sort of signs leading up to it that would tell you that something wasn't right?

L: Not really. I sort of had this dull...headache but I mean, who doesn't and my ears started acting all funny like there were times that I would hear this hollowness to whatever was around me. Sort of like someone having an anxiety attack in a crowd and their senses sort of blur.

K: Yeah.

L: But it was so minute. It wasn't anything that had me thinking that I should go to a hospital or anything. I guess I should have but things just happened so quickly that there wouldn't have been time anyway.

K: Was it within minutes or seconds?

L: Oh...seconds. It wasn't very long.

K: But you didn't pass away right away. You had two strokes.

L: I guess my body was still "functioning" but...it just took the one for me to know what was going on. I really have to thank my family. As hard as it was to take me off that life-support, I have to say it was a real...relief because...you're sort of tied to that body and watching that was very difficult. Within a matter of days I had gone from a healthy individual to this person in a hospital bed. And I'm very thankful that my body was able to hang on long enough so I could...be there for my kids. I mean...they had this small chance of a goodbye and that stuff is really comforting, in some way, to those who have to let go. I just really didn't want my kids not to have that chance and they did and I'm forever grateful for that. There's more peace for people when that sort of thing can take place.

K: I absolutely agree. 110%. I've been in the position where a family member had a stroke while they were in surgery and even though it was shocking and painful...especially for her husband and children, there were still those couple of days where they could say goodbye...hold her hand and hear her and just have those moments to be near. I feel it's important to surround someone when they're about to die. It comforts them as well even if they're watching and not necessarily in their body.

L: Yes. Oh I agree with that. For me, it was extremely reassuring seeing everyone there. I think it would have been incredibly...frightening to die alone...in whatever state that is. A person still knows what's going on (when dying). Whether that be from outside of them or they're in that physical until they take that last breath...we know so to have your bed surrounded by those you love is very...supportive for the new journey that's about to take place. I say journey because it is. It really is. I journeyed.

K: How so?

L: Well, from what I've heard around town...

K: (laughing)

L: You either can come right away and leave everything behind or you can sort of take a stroll down a path just to re-acquaint yourself. I re-acquainted myself and I think that's sort of the way of it. I think those people who have this prolonged death or illness that results in death...that sort of paves the way for a "return" that's a lot quicker and there's really no need for any sort of slow introduction just because they've been accepting what was happening and the end result of that. People who die suddenly...it's just really shocking (chuckles) and I think people that meet you here (heaven) know that and so it's this...it's the window shopping of heaven. It's like a stroll through a park.

K: (laughing) Those are some pretty fitting words.

L: I mean...it's just really hard to explain. And words can't do it justice.

K: What's the part that you...and struggle isn't really the right word but what's the part that you find you struggle with the most or that is the biggest learning curve?

L: Oh...(a little bit of surprise)...struggle...difficulty... maybe. I mean...the movement or the motions...I wouldn't say it's a struggle or difficult. It's just very different. I had to get used to the sense of not feeling my feet hit some sort of pavement or ground when I walked. I didn't necessarily like feeling as if I was walking on air. There's this part of you that still exists, when you die, that questions a lot of that stuff and oh hell, maybe I'm going to fall or drop. But you don't fall or drop unless you want to and even then...that worry that you'll hit the ground in some big splat is just...it's something you bring back with you for a bit because it's that thought of safety and security from how you were in a body. I mean...you don't walk off a cliff believing you'll fly or float...maybe some do. But you just sort of walk to the ledge and take in the view because where you have your feet...that's where you're safe. So the whole walking on air was different.

K: That is so crazy. It's crazy.

L: It's pretty crazy. Um...I really had to learn how to...thought is here and telepathy is here and that was my first thing that I wanted to get down because I wanted control over that. I didn't want people to automatically know what I was thinking or feeling so I had to learn that whole concept of private thought and for others...it's okay for you to listen to these thoughts but these ones are mine. I had to learn about personal permission here.

K: Really? That's so interesting.

L: It's the same with...I guess for a medium or a psychic that communicates, right? They don't want all their thoughts read all the time. That's sort of a breach of privacy but the way...what do I call myself now?

K: Whatever you want.

L: Spirits communicate using energetic thought waves and so they can see and hear all things that way so that person who's communicating with them has to set boundaries and not in a way that's trying to hide anything. Just sort of...when it's time, you're allowed. When it's not, you aren't. It's a permission thing. So I needed to learn permission and I think that was just me. I had this idea that if I could hear them that way then they could hear everything about me and it was my own worry. No one would ever breach anyone's privacy here. That was just my own...insecurity.

K: I get that. I worry about that too but I've been told that I will always see a face or an energy before they start talking to me and I give them permission or I don't. There's only a couple that...know me so well that I will let them in because it's that support for me and it's sort of like a check to bring me back to square one. If I'm doing this work, I've been told that the running thoughts will just block it so I've given permission to four (spirits) to help me get back to that base and go from there.

L: Yeah. That's cool. I like that.

K: People were really reeling from your death.

L: There was shock value in it. With any sudden death, it's shocking. But...I think it's just one of those things that's never expected. It's that twist of fate; a twist of life. I certainly wasn't prepared. I don't think anyone can really be prepared for something like this. It just proves how fragile life really is.

K: You sort of prepared in some ways. I know that you were a spokesperson for colon cancer or something. So is that a preparation?

L: I don't think it's a preparation so much as an education. I think it's just about being proactive in your own health so if there's something there, it can be fixed sooner than later. I mean...that sort of cancer is pretty scary because you don't really know what's going on until it's too late and it's spread. I really believe that people need to start taking their own health into their own hands and not necessarily wait for a doctor to say something or warn you about something or not say anything because their normal screens or tests don't pick up the deep stuff. So, I think to educate yourself and to screen yourself and ask to have some test because you have this sort of feeling that something doesn't feel right...I think it's very important. I am an example of that and I really didn't mind being an example for being proactive about your health...in all ways. It's not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. The body is this working tool and it will break down sometimes but it doesn't have to break down so much that it ends up in some sort of junk yard. There are things that people can do to avoid all that but you really have to be in tuned to what is working and what's not and maybe, just because I'm getting older, I should get some things checked that...yeah, no one likes things going up your ass. It uncomfortable and it's embarrassing but it's so important because the colon and all that stuff...that's a great secret hiding place for things to just fester and get bigger...very quietly.

K: Yes. I get that. Totally I get that. I knew a woman who wanted to lose weight and she started swimming and eating properly and she was happy because she was losing weight but it was fast. I mean, she was dropping pounds that her skin couldn't keep up and she started to look saggy...

L: Yeah.

K: And she went to the doctor and she was dead from cancer two weeks later. No pain no nothing until it got that serious.

L: Oh yeah. Absolutely. The war with the body is happening and you don't even know it. It's a scary thing. (sits up and shuffles in his chair)

K: You were this icon in the 90s. Every guy wanted to be you and every girl wanted to have you.

L: (laughs) Doesn't it get old?

K: It totally gets old. But I'm not going in the direction that you think I am. We all know you were a star of the show Beverly Hills 90210.

L: It was a fun time.

K: But it got a little stale.

L: It did. I mean, I was an adult and I was still acting this part and I just couldn't pull it off anymore. As much as I was aging in the show...I was older than that as me...Luke and I just couldn't play it. I loved Dylan. He was great. He was a part of me and remained a part of me through my adult life. But people still saw the kid and not the man and that's fine. That's usually the case with these things. I needed to feel like the man I was. Dylan had grown up and I just wanted to move out.

K: Good one.

L: Yeah.

K: So you had that dad...Jim Walsh...

L: He didn't like me much.

K: I think it was a love hate thing.

L: Probably because I was sleeping with his daughter and then her best friend.

K: I mean...I'm sure that's a bit of it.

L: (laughs) Probably. Nah...it was good.

K: Here's the thing, and I've never watched the show, but here's the thing.

L: I'm listening.

K: Don't you find it...not strange but interesting that you started playing a father on this Riverdale show that...follows teens and stuff but you were the teen that became the dad on the same sort of young adult show.

L: Came full circle.

K: You were saying that this morning. Full circle.

L: Yeah...uh...life has a way of happening in circles and within those circles are these cycles so it creates this sort of spiral within spirals and usually...when you can see those circle spirals and the cycles in the middle sort of all twist...they twist up. It's this twister effect. So, when all those cycles are complete that makes that ring of the circle a little bit thicker and thicker and when you come full circle, you've done all the cycling and you're back at that 12 o'clock position so you've come full circle. And by the way, I'm only talking like this because it was one of my first questions from my life review. I had a lot of questions of why. Why did it have to happen and this is what they explained to me and it helped me, a lot, to understand. Think of the toy...the slinky. You know those?

K: Yes.

L: That's the idea where the cycles come into the full circle when you're closing that slinky up and when it's completely close...that circle is now pretty thick and closed and that's coming full circle.

K: That's AMAZING!!! Thank you for that.

L: And it can happen with anything. It can happen with family or friends or career or whatever but it really has to do with what you intended to come as and what experiences you wished to have and even though you question why...when you don't feel you've completed all of it, you did because you came full circle.

K: People have a lot of thoughts about what the full circle means and usually it's about having all those moments in life that sort of sit on that linear line. You know...you might choose to get married and then you might choose to have kids and then you want to see those kids grow up and you want to see them married and have kids and you don't want to die until all of that's done and a couple of generations have been made. That is this idea of one of the main full circles.

L: Like people have to wait for others to live because they had a hand in creating that...family or whatever?

K: Yeah. It's based a lot on that family thing or...if you were a career guy...you couldn't go until you knew that the business you built or whatever was sold or taken over by someone you trusted before you could retire. That's the assumption...that what you create you will be able to see come to fruition or an ending and then a person is ready to die.

L: Yeah. I agree and it has nothing to do with that at all. Scratch that...sometimes it does because that's what you came to experience. I experienced the love of my kids. I experienced the love of my family. I was about to start a new chapter with a woman that I absolutely adored. It was my new beginning but see...that was my human assumption when I had no idea that coming full circle meant other things. It wasn't like it was attached to my career but I think who I was in the 90s and who I became in 2019...that was full circle. It just sort of played itself out in this really weird way on television.

K: That's pretty cool. Thank you for that.

L: If I can sort of give some understanding on that...it's just this whole time line that people build for themselves keeps them waiting for the next thing and the next thing and the next thing without realizing the one thing the one thing the one thing and that whole life being fragile and every moment counts...it's really ignored. It's ignored and I don't believe people do it on purpose. I just believe that there's this idea of living that's ingrained without any sort of bigger picture awareness. People miss out on the bigger picture and I think it's important for that to be shared and things like this...these interviews...give that bigger picture and, you know, maybe you should really start thinking about what's now instead of the grandchildren you "might" have depending on the desires of your kids.

K: Are you proud of your kids?

L: I'm so proud of my kids. I think they found personal success and for me to have had a hand in that...just by being their dad is pretty amazing. I'm constantly amazed at my kids and I scratch my head and wonder...how are they a part of me? (chuckles) I'm really just a proud dad. They are the biggest part of me and why...what I did in life. They made me want to be better because they were that example for me. And...I miss 'em. I really do. (grows quiet) I miss them in the way that a person would. I get all that about being around them because I am but I miss the...external connection with them.

K: I get that. I really understand that and I think, for anyone that passes away, to maintain that connection or show loved ones they're still around...I feel that's very important and...I guess that's why I do what I do. So...

L: I'm sometimes surprised about how even...someone from the 1800s still wants to connect. I mean, your time is done...aren't you done? It's surprising how many people say no. Anyway...

K: I actually wanted to talk a little bit about brain injuries with you.

L: Yes.

K: Because, obviously, a stroke is considered a brain injury.

L: Big time.

K: My husband was watching an interview with Emilia Clarke from Game of Thrones and she was saying that she just didn't know how she knew it but she knew she was having a stroke or something and so she drove herself to the hospital and said she needed to be seen because she knew something was wrong.

L: Amazing.

K: It is because...how would you instinctively know? So she knew she had to use her brain or something so she ran lines in the car and she tried to do math and all this stuff just to get her from point A to point B where there was help. This is just what my husband told me. Do you think that...just by going on instinct...she saved herself from some major...I don't know. I'm lost for words.

L: No no. It's okay but it just proves what I was saying earlier about paying attention or being proactive with your body or whatever just doesn't feel right. People worry about going to the hospital or the doctor thinking that they'll be labeled some sort of hypochondriac or something, thinking that everything is wrong; something doesn't feel right. But when it comes at you from left field and you feel that...yeah...I have to get to the hospital...do that. What's the worst that could happen? Brain injuries...they are so hard to recover from and it makes a person look at their lives in a completely different way. Sometimes you can't drive anymore because of a brain injury or sometimes you need to re-learn the simple things like putting a fork in your mouth. The brain continues to be this mystery where physicians will never really learn the scope of it because it changes and it also holds this aspect of a person that can't be placed on a CT scan and that's why...it will always be a mystery. But people need to realize the intimate connection that the body has with the brain and it will tell you when something's not right. Emilia was someone who had...has that great connection with her instincts and her body. She knew something wasn't right and she acted on it. We were talking about that woman that you heard of...she was having dreams and she knew something was wrong but no doctor could figure it out.

K: Yes.

L: The dreams kept coming. They came more and more and she didn't know specifically what it meant but...something was hiding so she demanded, from her doctor, that they test the deepest place that an illness could hide and they found cancer in her colon. I mean...you will be told in some way or somehow that something just isn't right and it's up to you to listen to those nudges. If it's missed than it's up to you to listen to...what's next. Where is my road to recovery...what does that look like and how will I cope and get that support. Yeah...there's the initial why me emotion of it. Of course there is but there's also a game plan for anyone...even with brain injuries. I feel many people need to educate themselves on the signs of stroke or aneurisms. Even with aneurisms...they can be tiny and they can be big and if it's big...well...you can't really sit and decide to get help because the decision is already made for you but if you're (twirling his fingers beside his temple) off...not even a headache but something's off...go. Physicians will error on the side of caution. That's their job and even if there isn't anything...you'll feel better for feeling a little ridiculous than feeling that could've should've would've in a body that doesn't' function anymore.

K: I totally know. My son had a head injury and we took him to the hospital because the physician said if he starts vomiting or whatever, bring him back. We brought him back because he started vomiting. The physician that was there was irritated because he had just picked up a stomach bug but...this is a head injury. These aren't things that anyone should take any chances with. I also knew a woman who fell and bumped her head. She didn't go to the doctor because she just bumped her head. No big deal. Three months later she died because of a clot in her brain so I really just wanted to get your thoughts on that.

L: I think you're just proving how common these things are and they are things that just come out of the blue and are shocking. I think people spend a lot of time checking in with other parts of the body and not necessarily the head which I think is pretty important so this is from me to everyone who reads this...educate yourself on brain injuries...strokes...all that stuff. It could, potentially, save your life. I would absolutely be a spokesperson for that if I could and I guess, in a way, I could be. I just did. Really...it's your health...your health and your body and if something just isn't sitting well...pride is a killer; it's an injury waiting to happen just because there's no...pride talks people out of anything big because it makes it smaller than what it is so it doesn't feel stupid.

K: Yes! Thank you. Pride is and injury waiting to happen. I like that.

L: I don't like your face right now.

K: Well, I got a question about your daughter.

L: Okay.

K: Apparently she just received a lot of criticism for how she was "mourning" your passing.

L: The only thing I'll say about it is...people expect others to mourn in a certain way...to withdraw and be by themselves and cry and be silent. And there is that. There always is but there's also the people that have this mentality that...life goes on and it doesn't mean that they aren't hurting. It doesn't mean that they aren't dying every day to want that person back. They are presenting themselves as this pillar of strength. I had two children with a very strong woman and that woman instilled in our children...strength. My daughter is a very strong individual. She is...it blew my mind how...out there she wants to be and how many things she wants to do and know and live and she was always that way; since she was little. She has this excitement about life that blows me away and she takes struggle and internalizes it because she wants to show that she is strong and she will have her private moments but to the outside world she is strong. People...they lack consideration sometimes and they want others to do or be just like they would do or be but a lot of the time...it's an assumption. It's how they think things should be but loss effects everyone so differently and that's what people just can't get. They assume mourning or the stages of mourning happen the same with everyone; that there's a timing to these things. There's not. There just isn't and mourning manifests in different ways. We will all come into criticism at some point in our life and really, it's up to the one that's receiving that to either put their foot down and say...what is it you say?

K: Fuck off with your mayonnaise.

L: (laughs) My daughter would say something like that. Just that ability to snap people's ignorance back into place is an example of strength in itself. It's just putting your foot down and saying no to bullies. Sometimes you have to do that through tragic circumstances and that's what she did because she had the support to do that. She was taught that. I'm proud of who my kids have become.

K: Just so ridiculous. I just feel so...I just get really irritated and I clench my jaw so tightly sometimes. I just don't have the words. I just don't and that's not saying I'm any better. I'm totally not but...the foolishness all the time like we are constantly on the defense for just trying to be the best version of us...it's so fucking annoying. I'm sorry. I didn't know that your daughter was troll-hunted.

L: Don't be. She's good. Jack too. The world is big but it's a lot smaller now with all the social media and media in general which gives this sense of entitlement or permission for people to be...jerks. That's just the way it is so to instill strength in your kids is just so important now. Sometimes it's one of these things that you wish you didn't have to do; to educate your kids on how to protect themselves or speak up for themselves but it's that way now and some look at that as a bad thing but I think it's a good thing because then people learn that it's okay to be who they are and to express that. As long as it's not hurting anyone or you're not the bully...I think it's a good thing when taking it into the context of confidence.

K: Agreed. Thank you. I also had a question about...if you felt the love for you when you passed away.

L: Yes. The short answer is yes. And that just sort of spread out to my family and they took that as this sort of support system. It didn't feel as if they were so alone because of all the thoughts and prayers and well wishes...that was for me. Sure. But it was also for them so just as much as I received it...so did my family and those that were closest to me and they got that as well so I'm forever grateful to everyone that just offered their peace and love to me and, as an extension of that, my circle.

K: Beautiful. Thank you and...you're welcome.

L: I don't think anyone can truly grasp how much they are wanted and loved until they die and to me...that's a big pity. It would be my... "dying" wish that people wouldn't be so quick to share their judgements and be a little quicker on showing people how much they are loved and wanted...maybe showing a lot more gratitude for the people in your life. I think that this world would look very different if more of that happened.

K: I think it would too. Well, Mr. Perry. Anything else for this interview?

L: No. I feel okay. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me and thank you to that guy back there for showing me to my seat.

K: What are you doing now?

L: I guess...anything. If people don't get how big they really are...take it from me...you're huge. Life is just so big. (he's having trouble putting it into words) Yeah...so big.

K: You're awesome.

L: Thanks. I appreciate this. It was good.

K: It was and I'm sorry for teasing you yesterday.

L: (grins) Water under the bridge.

K: You're just saying that for my benefit.

L: (laughing) I mean...if you can't find the humor in these sorts of things...it's not funny but you can still find humor. Funny and humor are different. Humor is a willingness to put a smile back on your face.

K: Again, you are awesome.

L: I'll see you later.

K: You bet. See you later.

L: I'll just find my way out of here. Need that usher. (winks)

K: Bye, Luke.

L: Bye. Thanks.

Waves a little...looks around and is gone.

_Conversations with Joseph Merrick_

_Ppppffffffttttttt...BLAH! This didn't go as planned. See, I thought_ he _would be an emotional mess because when he first introduced himself to me,_ I _was the one that was an emotional mess and it was only because of his...deformities and my assumptions about how he "should" be that I was an emotional mess and he was not. He's totally okay. He's totally fine. He's very matter-of-fact with a touch of sensitivity and a lot of dry wit. He questioned my...inability to start asking him things. It was only because I didn't know what to say. What do I ask that wouldn't be insulting or...nah, insulting's good. You know when you sort of panic a little and you trip over your words not intending to be an idiot but you end up being one? It's like...Okay, here's an example. I used to work at Sears. Remember Sears? Anyway, there was this man that I saw from a distance. He was shopping with his dad and he was scarred so badly from burns that he didn't really have eyes. I prayed he wouldn't come to my till and guess what?_ _He came to my till. It was my first experience with someone that was scarred beyond recognition but when he came to my till and I rang up his clothes...I was able to look him in his eyes and find him...normal. I saw beyond what his skin showed me and I was able to look at him, like any other person, and carry on a conversation with him which allowed me to pull my head out of my ass of narrow minded thinking and to start practicing a lot of compassion and empathy. People with differences or deformities or handicaps or whatever...they're heroes because they are fighting a battle every day; a battle of ignorance and assumptions that have nothing to do with them and yet, they have to face them constantly. Joseph came after I was listening to the Barenaked Ladies,_ If I Had a $1,000,000 _and I asked who he was and my husband was shocked I had no idea. I guess that was his invitation to introduce himself to me. He's a wow factor. He speaks with emotion and that's probably another reason why I was an emotional mess when we first met. He didn't share words right away...only heart. Anyway, head now out of my ass, we got it done. Here's my conversation with Joseph Merrick, the "Elephant Man". P.S. it was really all over the place. It didn't follow any time line so...good luck!_

J: Be honest.

K: I just don't know what to ask or even how to begin. So I apologize for that.

J: There's no apology needed. I understand where that (feeling) comes from. It comes from an overwhelming sense of emotion and emotion doesn't have a beginning...so where is our beginning?

K: I don't know. You tell me.

J: I, too, don't know. I suppose, because it's my life you wish to know about, that will be our beginning but in my life, for me, I felt a lot of ends. I did not feel many beginnings.

K: I can understand why.

J: It was a very cruel world when I lived in this body that you see here.

K: Did you ever wonder why you got what you did? Besides your mom being scared by an elephant. I mean...when alive did you ever really get hung up on those _why me_ statements?

J: _(pauses)_ I felt it extremely unfair that my body was such a burden and others'...were not (Other people with healthy bodies. He's comparing.). It was...inside...deep down inside I felt a victim but to the outside world...I tried to stay strong. I tried to be like everyone else. I did my best to stay as "normal" (finger quote) as possible. My idea of normal was restricted. Of course it was. There was no normalcy for me but I tried. I couldn't rise above my sense of victimhood but I kept that very silent. I didn't want to be a burden more than what I was and if I showed that I was a victim of my circumstance without trying to make my life any better...life would be worse for me.

K: But it was already so...it seems that it was just so awful from the little bit that I've seen.

J: Not every day. Every day was not awful. Sometimes there would be days of loneliness. Sometimes there would be days of shy because someone would be kind to me. Some days I would feel happy and productive and sometimes I wanted to die.

K: Why didn't you die? Why didn't you choose to die?

J: My body would do that for me anyway. I knew that something like me would not live a long life so I lived my short life in a day to day manner where I would find where I could fit and I would travel, if necessary, to where I could gain...some sort of employment so I would not be so much of a burden. Employment was very important to me because I knew how much of a burden I was on my family and to society. I did not want to become more of a burden...I did not want more looks of disdain. I was ugly enough. I didn't want ultimate poverty to also add to the disdain of my life. Also, employment was something normal. That was my umbrella, you see...this normalcy because normalcy for someone in my position, was very abnormal to the outside world.

K: How do you decide that you...how do you get the desire to even put yourself out there to acquire some sort of employment when you must have thought that...because of your appearance and disabilities, that you might be laughed out of the room; that or beaten out.

J: It was hard but where I was looking for employment...they had all types of people come. People would pay anyone a penny for a work day as long as they could do _something_. Granted, the conditions would kill you before your body naturally would but for people like me, there was no choice but to work for that penny. I tried to maintain the idea of possibility...that maybe there were possibilities out there for me that I didn't think of and so I would try. I mean, why not try. No harm would come to me that I didn't already feel in my body.

K: We have to start at some sort of beginning. Can I get you a coffee or a tea? I need a coffee.

J: Thank you. I'm fine. I will wait.

_Coffee cannot be helped._

K: Okay. You were born in England in the 1800s; 1862 to be precise. What was England like back then?

J: Very...split. The class system was very prevalent. Yes, some were better than lower class, but not by much. There were society levels that were strictly left at those levels and if you wanted anything different for yourself, it would have to be through marriage or connections and not, necessarily, through hard work. Crime was everywhere because there was desperation in the air for those without much. Also, the idea of fame...people wanted fame for anything; where someone could get somewhere through some sort of talent or...peculiar circumstance...that was how one could move up in the world. But if you were just a person walking the streets of England, you would walk those same streets and your children would walk those same streets regardless of how hard you worked. It was very much a society of _it's not what you know but who_. Physicians were born to physicians and lawyers were born to lawyers and clowns were born in the alleyways where a lady had to give up her child somewhere because the brothel would not allow her baby to be raised on the premises. These places were usually run by men. If they were run by women...the new mothers would be allowed to keep their children close as long as they were willing to work for the both of them.

K: You mean earn enough to keep the children and the mothers fed and housed.

J: Yes.

K: That's a pretty grim picture.

J: It's what I saw. I was not born to a class where I was kept away from ugliness. I was ugly. And so, in my ugliness, that's what I saw of the world.

K: Did you never see anything beautiful?

J: Not until later in my life did I notice beauty but beauty was...it came with compassion and it came with friendliness...it came with the people that would not run from me but would engage with me understanding that there was more to me than just what was outside.

K: Did you find Dr. Treves was like that?

J: Not at first. At first I was a study because Frederick... _(smiles)_ Freddy...was a physician and they are always out to prove the existence or prove a diagnosis...even to prove the mystery of mankind's ailments and so in our first few encounters, that is what I was.

K: You were close to your mother.

J: Very close. My father was a hard man. Marriage was not always for love. Marriage sometimes was due to circumstances that people assume would make life better if there was marriage involved and children were born as a result of that even if they were not desired.

K: Your mother was disabled.

J: Yes. She was. It was...I never noticed it. She was just my mother and I was her son and beyond that...not all mothers notice problems with their children because to mothers, their children are gifts. She would kiss me; kiss my lumps and bumps and she would assure me it was only temporary.

K: When did you start to realize that it wasn't just temporary?

J: When she could no longer tell me that it was. When she died. All my father saw in me was ugliness and something to take care of that would not be able to take care of him. That's how these things worked and still do for some. The parents take care of the children so the children can take care of the parents. My mother died...he did not have a wife to take care of him and his two kids. He did not wish to take care of his two children. He wanted a woman to do that part because to that man, it was _his_ employment that was the most important so he married again. I suppose my father instilled in me that under any condition, I was to pull my own weight and work hard and if not, there would be consequences. He was very hard on me because of what I had become. I was more his cross to bear than his son.

K: I read you didn't like your stepmother.

J: She was absolutely detestful but...for the most part...I couldn't blame her. She could not get past my disability. She feared my appearance and sometimes, when people fear, they viciously react. That reaction is to protect themselves from that which they refuse to understand.

K: What was your disability? I mean, you were going to school and looking for work.

J: I took actions on things that everyone else doubted very much and in their doubt is where I failed even when trying to contribute to a home, because I couldn't in the ways they assumed was the only way to contribute...I was a failure. Life in England was run a certain way and done a certain way and if you were unable to come up to that standard, you were a failure. You were of the low class and you worked for a penny a day.

K: Why didn't you like the workhouse gig?

J: Because I couldn't keep up. My fingers and arm...my whole body couldn't keep up with the demands and they made more demands from me than what I could do. But they had dozens of people who could not keep up. It wasn't only me. Still, I was ashamed for what I couldn't do without recognizing what I could...what I could offer. I couldn't recognize it because I was never told...I was never given any sort of congratulations on what I was able to achieve...only mockery for what I couldn't and so that was part of my continued mindset that I was always lacking in some area and not proficient in these. And so the search for what I could do and receive some sort of validation for my minimal accomplishments was a constant for me. I was always searching for a place that I could fit in. For a time...that was the workhouse.

K: Who, in their right mind, would even think that you could be a delivery...courier person? I just don't get it.

J: _(chuckles)_ Desperation; desperation to get me out of his house.

K: Were you trying to avoid the workhouse?

J: For as long as possible.

K: Why?

J: Because that was an end for me; because it was where the discarded went. I never wanted to admit my feelings of uselessness or being unwanted and if I went there...that's what I would have to admit to myself.

K: But you did end up there.

J: I was miserable. I was so miserable. I was so lonely. Friends were...very few and far between. If you proved yourself, the workhouse was like an army and you could work up the ranks...from pitiful to decent. In such a crowded space, I was the most loneliest I had ever been.

K: The feelings you keep giving me are ones of...you try so hard to get ahead in life but at every turn, you're just kicked to the curb. It's so strong when you talk about your early life. Was there any hope for you? Did you feel any sense of hope? I mean...I get it. When you first came to me, you wanted me to feel what you lived. You're very much about feeling.

J: Feeling is always how I communicated because I couldn't communicate with my mouth or voice very well and I certainly couldn't communicate with my body. I could communicate with my eyes. I could communicate with...you know when you look at someone in their eyes and you know if they are feeling happy or sad?

K: Yes.

J: That was the way I could communicate the best and I felt very deeply. I felt to such extremes. If I were born a regular man, I may have been a poet or...I would have been an excellent husband and father. I believe I would have.

K: But in terms of feelings, you need to express them.

J: To whom?

K: I understand. I totally get it and maybe that's why it was so overwhelming for you sometimes because of a lack of expression?

J: I expressed as much as my environment would allow me. In all other instances, I kept it very hidden and discrete.

K: Yeah.

J: And for you to be able to hold my feelings for me is...it's very important to me because there are those that wish not to have anything to do with people like me and we get avoided. The only way people, like me, aren't avoided is if someone is able to feel the depth of what we do so there is a certain understanding that takes place. Did you feel sorry for me?

K: At times I felt very sorry for you.

J: What else did you feel?

K: I felt like your mother...where I just wanted to kiss it all away.

J: _(gets emotional)_ Thank you. Thank you very much for your understanding and it is not my intention to make you feel horrible. I just wish for you to understand...to a degree...who I was and that had much to do with feeling and not so much with the physicality of my existence.

K: I get it. I understand.

J: Thank you.

K: So now you're lonely and you're up to high doh with the working conditions and yet you still put yourself out there for something different than what you're living.

J: It wasn't for something different. It was for some _thing_ ...I didn't necessarily believe in different. I thought anything would be the same but would only have a different name to it.

K: You're making me feel like you're almost grasping at straws.

J: I was walking and I saw an advertisement. A man was looking for unique individuals to join his show. I knew what it was. I was told I should join such things because I was a disgrace. I was ugly. I was a show. And so, I thought I would meet this man who needed those less fortunate to be a part of his zoo.

K: Did you consider it a zoo?

J: I did. We are all animals. Some of us are in cages and some get to look into the cages and assume much that is not there to see.

K: You have a tendency to get pissed off. _(some of what he remembers gets him irritated...on the verge of angry)_

J: _(chuckles)_ I apologize. Just remembering certain things about that life is...not comfortable.

K: Then why come to me?

J: Because everyone can learn from what was uncomfortable to another.

K: Do you think that there's more acceptance now than there used to be? About deformities and such?

J: There is a lot of fear that continues. There is a lot of fears about what people choose to assume. For children, I feel there is more acceptances in your time because they are innocent. But if someone is scarred to the point of being unrecognizable...there is still ridicule and lack of understanding for the person who fell to the circumstance of carrying around the scars for the world to see. I find that if someone lacks compassion...they are usually full of fear. It's an imbalance that continues to remain. People are in a constant search for perfection and when they don't see that in someone...they fear that they appear the same...in some way. People fear how they genuinely are perceived by the outside world and they use that to attack or judge another. That is the real shame that continues to this day. There is perfection that is the ideal...which many cannot obtain because it is always just beyond reach; the societal norms of perfection changes every single day. It can be very frustrating and very tiring. To some extent, I feel that those with disabilities, today, have more options. They have more support but I do feel there is still a lack of consideration for them as well; as if they are to blame for any disfigurement that they were born with or through tragedy there were given.

K: Okay, so you met this man. More so out of some sort of desperation for something a little different even though you felt it would be the same.

J: _(raises a finger)_ Ah, see... _felt_. Yes...it would be different but it would feel the same. There is nothing to be gained for putting yourself behind a curtain and have it reveal something horrid to people.

K: Okay. I'll give you that.

J: _(laughs)_ I enjoy your company very much.

K: I enjoy you too. I love how candid you are because when we first met...I thought that you were going to be this spirit that was all about forgiveness and _I lived because this is what life handed me and I'm better for it_ sort of thing. You're surprising me.

J: I can learn the lessons of why. That doesn't mean I don't have some...I harbor some thoughts on the whole thing.

K: Like...what were you thinking? Before you incarnated?

J: I knew what I was getting into. I had great expectations of a world to accept because acceptance is there. So seeing that acceptance was there, I thought I could make them (other people) accept ugliness. That wasn't the case.

K: Some did.

J: Some did. I was lucky enough to have friends. Some friends. Although I did not consider them close.

K: Why?

J: There was risk for loving too much.

K: But you loved.

J: I did. I put love in a small bottle with a cap on it only held for a specific few.

K: How did that work for you?

J: Looking back, I kept myself in more...unnecessary seclusion. There were people willing to love me. I felt I was very unlovable and I kept my curtain drawn most of the time. _(more metaphorically)_

K: When we first met, I found you a very sensitive and friendly individual. I think that's what I connected with the most and that's why it was so...difficult for me to ask questions in words because the feelings were so strong.

J: You would have been one I would've uncapped my bottle for.

K: I consider that a very high compliment. Thank you, Joseph.

J: Thank you.

K: So you met your physician friend through this...I don't know...peep show.

J: _(laughs hard)_ It was not a peep show.

K: Well, I mean you weren't naked but it sort of was.

J: Granted. Yes. I met Frederick through the peep show.

K: Did you like him?

J: I did. I thought he was genuinely interested in me for more than what I presented behind a curtain. I was...unwilling...unwilling, at first, to see him for what he was...for who he was. I was good at generalizing the population by now...giving them little credit.

K: But you allowed that. You willingly chose to be on that "stage". (finger quote)

J: At the heart of it, I wanted to be noticed in _any_ way even if that meant for shock value. I was blind to what that really meant sometimes.

K: You mean being taken advantage of?

J: People tend to believe that those less fortunate can be manipulated and when there's hope that someone...in my position, would be accepted, we tend to ignore the signs of being used just on the wish that someone is genuine in their attention or affection.

K: Did you ever feel like you were only a case study?

J: Yes. I gradually understood the fascination. It was to help but at first, I felt very...on display. It was worse than behind the curtain. To pose for photographs only to be studied was very disconcerting.

K: I feel like you didn't know where you stood...that you didn't know what you wanted. I feel like you were sort of just chasing a bunch of _maybe_ situations with nothing really substantial to...I guess have some sort of stability in. I just feel this...chase. Why do I feel a chase with you...that you're chasing something?

J: I was chasing stability and acceptance.

K: But in saying that, Joseph, you weren't one to accept yourself and you constantly put yourself in this comparison competition with others feeling sorrow that you weren't up to some bar. This is why I'm confused.

J: Hhhmmm...I suppose...it wasn't very fair of me to expect and then not accept or have difficulty with acceptance when people tried to _give_.

K: That would be the bottle of love that was corked.

J: Yes. Trust was very difficult for me. Because when I would begin to trust...I would learn, very quickly, that I was wrong to trust.

K: So, then, what made you trust Frederick...eventually.

J: He always made me feel...human. He always made me feel welcomed...that nothing was wrong with me. He reminded me that I was not dumb...that I was very intelligent. He told me all the things that I needed to hear and they were not just empty words because he would introduce me as an intelligent human being and not simply a disgust to human kind. He sympathized with my...my inability to live what my intelligence could offer me had I not been disfigured and grotesque.

K: You're showing me _Quasimodo_.

J: His story was my story but I wanted the happy ending.

K: Do you feel as if you had a happy ending?

J: No. I felt like it was peaceful but my happiness wasn't joy. It was content. I was content with how things eventually were.

K: Why is it always that we have to be content with how things are? I feel like that's almost like giving up...to a certain extent.

J: I don't believe I ever gave up. I believe I grew accustomed to how I would live. I tried, to a certain extent, to become something that would show me some sort of success. I found myself stepping into situations that didn't allow me to feel great but it was a means to an end; an end meaning living with my basic necessities met. For a person to have to strive just to have their necessities met...not even for comfort but just to have the basics...no one should have to strive for dignity. I found myself striving for dignity. All of God's creatures deserve dignity but that has yet to be understood. I was born into a society of levels and classes which continues today and I find that dignity, for many, is a hard won concept; one in which they have to work so hard to realize or obtain. So, to be content meant more to me than you could understand. It didn't have to be joyful or happy. But it could be safe. For much of my life, safety was ambiguous. What I found safe, others found pitiful. But that is survival.

K: Did you feel you were surviving to live or living to survive.

J: Early on, I was surviving to live. Later, I was living to survive.

K: You're a conundrum.

J: I am.

K: What's the difference between survival and living?

J: Survival is grasping. Living is contentment...finally making peace.

K: Did you make peace?

J: I think I made as much peace as I was able to.

K: I read that Tom Norman thought that you were too horrific as a novelty "act" but wasn't that the point of people as a show back then. The weird could make money because it wasn't something anyone could identify with and the more uncomfortable or the more grotesque the better? These shows were to create shock, surprise or bewilderment...

J: But even _that_ had limits.

K: So the shock value had limits?

J: Because if it was too much...too grotesque or too horrific, people would not come.

K: Then were you considered borderline?

J: Just past the tipping point but it had to be that way. If it wasn't, Frederick would have never come to witness what I was and I would never have had the opportunity to live out my final days in contentment so there is a reason for everything even if I didn't like it at first or I thought displaying me through photographs was more uncomfortable than people pointing and crying or being sick...it could only happen that way.

K: Ah. So you and Frederick wouldn't have met if you weren't as you were.

J: The word would not have spread.

K: How did he hear about you?

J: Gossip. People talk. A friend of a friend.

K: That's funny because as you were telling me that I was just glancing at my notes and this friend was a work colleague of Frederick. So why wouldn't buddy help you? Why did it have to be Frederick?

J: To people like Reginald, I was a lost cause. But I was still breathing and moving so to people like Frederick, just by studying me there could have been some way to help me.

K: What was it that caused all your deformities?

_He's showing me a virus that attacked his...it's like a virus causing an autoimmune disorder and the symptoms of that were like a reaction...the body producing a reaction. Sneezing and red eyes to allergies which, coincidentally, I have at the moment._

K: To be honest, Joseph, I can look pretty bad when my allergies are in full swing.

J: Oh, I believe it.

_He's changed his appearance now. He's just sort of morphed into this very nice looking gentleman in a suit and he's very well dressed and kept. He doesn't show any deformities at all._

K: Okay...that's different.

J: _(chuckles)_ Well, enough of that wouldn't you say? I've been following you around as a monster for the last few days. I think this is better and I can't help but notice how many balls you tend to juggle while maintaining this...conversation.

K: Honestly, I love what I do for Spirit but I do have to sort of live in the moment with it. A lot of the time, life does take me away and if I don't take moments with channeling, I will fail to do it. And sometimes I don't get them done because I have this to do and I have that to do but I try my best.

J: I'm very impressed. Really. And I'm honored that you would find some moments for me. Very honored. Truly.

K: Thank you. I didn't want you insulted by my...juggling.

J: No. Never. If that makes you feel a little more relaxed. You tend to...your irritation with juggling, I sense it.

K: It's not so much the juggling. It's more about the constant hand holding I seem to be doing lately.

J: Ah. Yes. You're very good at that as well.

K: I am. I wanted to ask you...what do you feel is the one thing you missed out on the most?

J: There were many things.

K: I know. I don't doubt it.

J: Let's see...well, there is the obvious...love, I suppose. I had to grow content with never receiving a woman's affection. Everyone wishes to be loved by someone. I was still a man. That could never be fulfilled.

K: I get that.

J: That was a great loss for me. When I wanted a woman to look at me with affection that was not laced with pity...it was a loss for me.

K: What was something you feel you wished to do that you couldn't?

J: Dance. I would have liked to dance. I heard of many parties where people danced. I felt the movement in my body but I couldn't make my body move like that so...yes...dancing.

K: I don't dance. Too...self-conscious.

J: Well, some don't like the dance. That's fine but even if you don't dance...you still feel the movement in your body and you still sway from side to side or you bob your head in a certain way that tells people you feel the music...perhaps tap your fingers?

K: Is that a form of dancing?

J: In the tiniest ways.

K: Ah. Well then I dance.

J: You do.

K: I saw, just this morning, that they found your grave but I thought you were in a museum.

J: A piece of me was buried. They were my wishes. They could have my body so long as a piece of me was given to the earth.

K: How do you feel about your grave being honored and marked?

J: _(emotional)_ I feel acceptance. Finally I feel that people understand, somewhat, that I was still human and that my body still deserved decency in a final resting spot. It's important. Even with cremation, those ashes are spread in a place of importance to the one who has died. It has great meaning to me that my final resting spot is being honored.

K: It should be honored. I think it's very important. For everything that you weren't honored for in life, you can still be in death. Because then...if people know about your story...history doesn't have to repeat itself so much.

J: In what way?

K: That even if there are abnormalities or deformities or sickness or differences that it's still considered a life...a sacred thing and all life, whether buried or cremated, is important to remember because every life creates the fabric of existence. I always tell people that the world would not be the same without you in it. So many people would not be here or would not be living what they are if it wasn't for one person so a life is so important. Everyone carries with them a certain experience or lesson that isn't just for them...it's for all of us that either see or hear or read about someone. Everyone's a teacher in their own right.

J: Very well said. I like that. Everyone is a teacher in their own right.

K: And you might not have realized how much of a teacher you were, Joseph, and it wasn't just your body. It's really how we, as people, can start learning equality and just realizing that more can happen when we honor each other...accept and raise each other up instead of knocking each other down. I know you feel that lesson hasn't really been learned as much as it maybe should be by now.

J: There is still hope.

K: There is and I think it's coming. I just think people are being shaken right now. There's just some shake ups that have to happen to sort of get people's attention on what isn't working and what could work a hell of a lot better.

J: _(grins)_ Yes.

K: I want to talk a little bit about your death.

J: Okay...what would you like to know?

K: You knew that if you laid down...you would not be able to get back up.

J: I decided to tempt fate.

K: So was it suicide?

J: No. I was not interested in killing myself. My body was doing a fine job of that. To be honest, Kimberly, I wasn't going to live much longer. My health was getting so...awful. It was awful. No matter how many surgeries or no matter how much therapy was offered, my sneezing and watering eyes would...fight a horrendous battle. The pain that I was feeling was so much that I could not sleep and I only wished to sleep. I wished to sleep lying down. I dreamed of dreaming and I never dreamed. I did not sleep. My slumber was a continuous doze. I only wished to know what it felt like to sleep. So I tempted fate. Fate won. You question if I killed myself. I suppose, in a way, I did because I knew I would not be in a position to pick my head or chest up if I were to lie...but it was not intentional.

K: It must have been awful.

J: No. My neck broke. I didn't feel a thing. I couldn't breathe but I also could not feel. I eventually fell asleep.

K: And when you were able to leave your body...how did you feel?

J: Light. In life, I carried a lot of weight on me that I could barely support. But in death, I felt...clumsy. I felt like nothing held me down. It was a very...honestly, it was very different.

K: Were you happy to experience that sort of freedom?

J: I was. I was expecting it. I was not to live past thirty...thirty two at the most.

K: How did you even know that?

J: I just knew. That is why I decided to live in contentment. Because I knew that it wouldn't be long that I would leave this place for another and I wished not to try anymore. And when that happened, I was able to feel happy. I was able to feel friendly. I was able to feel as if I could hold a conversation with someone and not be so offended if they could not look at me. Internally, I felt it was okay because I wouldn't have to endure such things anymore.

K: Were you difficult?

J: No. _(chuckles)_ No. I was very accommodating. In my accommodation was where I could find any sort of refuge from the world even if it was behind a curtain where no one could see.

K: What was the reunion like with your mom?

J: Glorious. She kissed all my pain away. She was the first one I chose to see. I missed my mother. I only wished for my mother. If I had one wish...it would be for my mother to return to me. It ended up that I returned to her.

K: Did you see your dad?

J: Yes. It's very difficult to hold grudges when you can't help but understand where one was coming from. I did not live a life of blame; blame for others. I lived a life of working with what I had. I was...ugly and so I used that in my life to find safety...to find contentment. What a thing to say...to find contentment in ugliness.

K: Do you think that through all the stories about you and all the articles and all the biographies...do you think that you were truly understood for who you were?

J: No. I do not. People had difficulty seeing beyond what I appeared to be and because I appeared as a monster, all of me was a monster. Those from the hospital where I lived...they saw beyond because they saw tragedy almost every day and so they could look beyond tragic into magic and what was really important. I found the people that I came into contact with, through my days at the hospital, where more like that than, let's say, the stranger walking down the street. Through Frederick's compassion and understanding, I met more like him for...it takes one to know one. Still, I remained unsure of people's agenda's. I couldn't help that.

K: Would you do it again? Would you live a life like that again?

J: No. I wouldn't because I learned that just because I was hopeful of great outcomes...not everyone believed in them like I did. We come to life with the best of intentions only to learn that life isn't only about our personal intentions but others' as well.

K: Very well said, Joseph. Very well said.

J: Thank you.

K: Again. You had me totally fooled. I thought I'd be a sobbing mess because of your sensitive side...or I assumed it would be that but no. You're very...you like what you like and you are who you are and that's it.

J: I can be loving. I was loving. I am loving. Through my life as Joseph...I had to learn boundaries. Mine and those of others. Yes, I can love. Yes, I can allow people to feel my pain and my remorse. But...that's just a restless spirit and I was restless in life. I choose not to be so in death. What's the point in haunting anything because of your inability to let things go when to experience yourself whole and complete is worth every...it's worth everything. I still choose to be honest about my experience. I feel it's very important as a teaching tool to those who find themselves feeling the same things. They may not be grotesque to the outside world...but they may feel a little less than whole. My experience was one that was rather extreme but it was extreme to educate. I am proud of being that for people.

K: Don't you find that they're more interested in what caused the deformities than the actual man?

J: Yes.

K: That's not progress at all! Not as an example for teaching love and acceptance and compassion.

J: Maybe not. But...consider, Kimberly, maybe _we_ just did. Through your willingness to share my story and not my medical condition...maybe we did.

K: Nice one.

J: I think so. I've taken much of your time. I will take my leave of you.

K: Okay. Thank you for your patience.

J: It was well worth it. How do I look?

_He stands and smooths his vest while presenting himself as a very handsome young man._

K: Go get 'em tiger.

J: _(winks)_ I shall.

K: See you.

J: Good day.

_Tips his chin and saunters away._

Conversations with Mark Salling

If we're going to be honest and you know me, I can be pretty honest...I hesitated with this one and that was my own judgments. Totally 100%. But a reader asked about him and Cory had mentioned him and was asking, what do you think, Kim? And that's when he started stopping by. We didn't hit it off right away. There was warm up time but the more we talked, the more I began to understand and have compassion. Compassion isn't an automatic thing with me. I'm upfront with that. I have my hang-ups as we all can and having that understanding and compassion doesn't mean that I accept or even write off his behavior. I am, however, lucky to have these talks for the huge fact that we don't know what other people are living with that, maybe, makes them think that any behavior could be excused. It can't be. But underneath all of his...whatever you would consider them; inappropriate actions, wrong doings etc...he's very sweet. He's learned a hell of a lot and still is in some ways. Here's my conversation with Mark Salling...

M: Hey.

K: Hey you. How's things?

M: Things are...it's like you get used to two feet on the ground and when they're not...it's kind of...different.

K: How are you?

M: Uh...I'm okay. You seem like you get pulled in so many directions.

K: I do. It's a balance thing.

M: Yeah. From here...the way I can see things now is that I didn't really get how all that balancing worked. I really didn't. I guess I was a little self-absorbed to notice those finer things.

K: Would you call yourself self-absorbed?

M: Now I would. Absolutely. Other things too but I'm sure we'll get into it.

K: Have you spoken to Cory?

M: Yeah. I have. I searched him out when I could. He...before I...hung myself, I was thinking about him a lot.

K: Among other things?

M: I had a lot on my mind. I was mostly in this state of panic about consequence and...what weighed heavily on me, that never really entered my mind before I got caught with all that...all those things was that I found myself in a place where I was this rock star guy and in a snap I was a monster.

K: Well, if we're being honest, when Cory had asked if I would do this conversation, I couldn't find it in my head to think of you as anything but an asshole. I mean if we're being honest and that's a judgement call and I get that but I guess, when you look at it from another's viewpoint, do you blame the judgement call?

M: With the information that they had or whoever had which is mostly media propaganda shit...sometimes I do.

K: But besides the media, you were caught with...I'll just say it, you were caught with pornography depicting kids. So, as a mom, and hearing that, I can't just roll over and call you a good guy when all that I see is this guy that's looking at this stuff without, maybe, thinking he's doing anything wrong.

M: I get that. I totally accept that.

K: Did you think that you were doing anything wrong? Or that it was completely inappropriate?

M: Yeah. I hid it away. It was a part of my life that I knew was 'wrong' (finger quotes) but at the same time it was this part of my life that still kept me on that high.

K: Did you not think that you were...did you feel your importance was maybe a little diminished when you were off the show? Off of Glee?

M: A lot of me was attached to that and what it gave to me. The stupid part of me thought that it would never be over. I would continue as Puck on Glee forever. It was the greatest thing. I was on top of the world and when you're on top of the world, you never think of looking down on it in a way that you could ever be that low again. When you're top you're top and...it didn't crash for me. I was in the know (about it coming to an end) but I ignored it. I didn't make other plans because I didn't think I had to and when it was really over...it was shocking for me and I tail-spinned a little bit. I got...I had a lot of anger that I didn't realize I had. I had a lot of blame that I didn't realize I had and I had a lot of fears because when I was Puck...I was respected. And if I wasn't Puck and if I didn't have Glee...would I be respected? A lot of me thought I needed that vice to have a life or to have respect or honor and it wasn't true. The audience...I grew up with the audience. Kids...they are...they fall in love easily and so it was something that I could manipulate to my advantage and I did and I didn't stop and it sort of rolled into this addiction that fed me some sort of control over a life that I felt I couldn't control without that thing that gave me top of the world status.

K: Do you feel like that's an excuse?

M: People have all kinds of excuses about what they do in their lives. An excuse just really isn't taking ownership. An excuse is sort of on that same level of blame. It's not taking ownership and to the end I never took ownership for the mistakes that I made. I still used them as excuses. It's one thing to continue with life knowing that you fucked up and were ready to take the steps to fix that but it's another if you just want to escape consequence with your hand in the cookie jar.

K: You didn't contest the charges.

M: No. There's no way I could. It's not something that you can say...uh, that's not mine. It was mine. It had me all over it and there was a lot.

K: Why did you collect so much?

M: Because if I had more...I wouldn't run out. It was the one thing I felt I...had control over because outside of my life...I tried to be this thing or that thing but I felt a lot of my life was out of control and I was angry and I wanted the control that I felt slipped through my hands but life didn't work that way for me. I found out I actually had to work for things. Work? Come on. I was Puck man. I didn't have to work. I worked before I was Puck but now that I was him...I felt that sort of should have paved the way. It didn't. I was cocky.

K: Still are a little bit? Think you can get away with stuff a little bit?

M: Yeah...(bounces a knee) Sorry about that.

K: It's fine. So you had a great time on Glee.

M: I had a really great time on Glee. It was a really awesome experience. I was really happy there and it wasn't really for the glory at first. I loved who I was working with. Everyone...because we rehearsed and sang and danced and lived...we did that all together...we became close. We were like this little club of actors who...we were what each other had at that moment because the show was intense and it sort of blew up in a way that wasn't really expected. It was just an idea. But it just blew up so the outside world was screaming more more more and we really had to rely on each other to give that more more more and so we became this force that no one could penetrate and I think that it had to be that way. I think that a lot of us thought that it could never end. Some more than others but the writing was on the wall. So they started to prepare...just like when you leave high school...you have to prepare to start the real world or go to college. Same thing here but some were more prepared than others.

K: And you didn't feel prepared to leave Glee?

M: No. It's like...after Glee, that outside world seemed really big and I didn't know what I wanted to do next or what I could do next. I had done the show for so many seasons and it was this intense schedule...I found my rhythm and it was a place where I could just step back into a role that I identified with in so many ways. The cool guy. The Mr. Sensitive under cover. Out there...without that...I didn't know who I was I just knew what I wanted.

K: A reader was asking about how society treated you after they found out about the charges and after your death. How did you feel about that?

M: Uh...the monster image weighed heavily on my shoulders. Because...I didn't believe that I was a monster. I didn't realize the extent of the damage that I had done...indirectly to these kids and to myself and my family...I didn't really know the extent of emotional embarrassment or hurt of my actions and so I didn't really feel the whole monster image was justified. I understand now where it was coming from but I didn't feel it as Mark. I just thought...I got caught with my hand in the cookie jar...it was just a cookie. That was a protection thing for me. I didn't want to know the extent of what my actions...I didn't want to know that all of that was...I did that to me.

K: So with that mentality, why didn't you fight the charges?

M: Mostly I was tired of hiding. I didn't realize how tired I was and I didn't realize how much I was hiding. I just came to a point where...it was scary for me to know what would happen but when it all came to light it was sort of like...I could breathe again. I didn't realize how scared of the consequences I would be but at that moment, a lot of me was relieved.

K: Were you violent towards the women that you had relationships with?

M: I was.

K: Where did that come from?

M: Thinking I was the shit. I was the shit and...I had trouble seeing that...I could be vulnerable. I didn't like that feeling. I would rather people be open and vulnerable with me and not question me on why I couldn't with them because when they questioned me about that, it made me look at myself and then I just reacted and it wasn't even an intentional reaction. It was just like...someone wanted me to give a fuck...really care about what they needed from me and I would go to a place that didn't feel great because I lacked a lot of what they needed...I felt I did anyway and so I reacted in those angry ways and it really didn't have anything to do with the women that I was with. It had to do with me and my feelings towards what I felt I had or didn't have. And in my private world...the world which I hid...I didn't have any of that. I could just be with the images or in that fantasy and no one would ask anything from me. I could just be the guy that I felt comfortable being but really...was I that comfortable? No. I wasn't. I was in hiding. When people came close to finding out the true me...that me that I was ashamed to be because I had fallen from that pedestal...I reacted. It's that whole caged lion thing. Some of...Naya...she was a strong woman. I don't know when that became hard for me to take because I thought I was strong but I wasn't. So I would try to top that insecurity about myself with fights and drama and she didn't deserve a lot of that so she reacted. We were both very reactive.

K: Talking about fantasies...did you ever act those out inappropriately?

M: With minors?

K: Yeah?

M: No. I didn't. I didn't cross that line. Then I'd have to come out of hiding. That part of my life would have to come out of hiding and I...that wasn't a choice that I was willing to make. Because people continued to watch what I was doing...that part of my life couldn't be found. That was the private...the secret...it's like the alcoholic that hides the booze right? No one knows they're an alcoholic until the booze is found. No one knows about the drugs until the parents dead on the floor from an overdose. Until those addictions start affecting a life...no one knows. It's secret. That's what I did with mine.

K: You feel...you come to me very...you're a smart dude. You know. Is that just because you can really see now?

M: Fuck I knew. I knew. I just didn't want to be found out. So I withdrew. I got angry.

K: Did you still have great relationships with your family?

M: I kept that as normal...to me...as possible.

K: Did you feel you had love in your life?

M: Did I feel I had love in my life...(thinks) I think I had a fucked up definition of what love was. I had a lot of admiration. Love...I think I equated the two for a long time so I think that sort of made me wonder why I felt I had fallen so hard. Because that admiration I thought was love and love wasn't ever supposed to end but it ended for me. In relationships...I wanted that admiration. I expected it thinking that was love. Love...I had to learn was a lot of that give and take. I could take it but to give it you had to look at yourself and see what parts of you...those really deep and intimate parts of you were you willing to give and I couldn't even look at those myself because I never felt I had to. I was admired for a part a played. That was me. I guess I just didn't know the difference between the two. For someone to look at the real deal, without the glitz or glamor...that's tough. The glitz and glamor make it really pretty and nice to look at. Without it...it's just regular life.

K: But life is beautiful. Sometimes it's a beautiful disaster. I mean...there are years that I...and the life around me was a beautiful disaster and it's easier for me, now, to see that it's more beautiful in that place of ease and stillness. Did you ever feel that it was ease? That the quiet was a pretty cool place to be.

M: The quiet...I'm one of those guys that hated that uncomfortable silence. I had ten thousand things in my head all the time just so I didn't have to panic if it was too quiet because if it was too quiet, I wasn't doing enough. I wasn't doing music or I wasn't doing acting or I wasn't working out or whatever. The quiet...to me...was ignoring all of these things I felt I had to do to fulfill something.

K: What do you think of the quiet now?

M: Working on it. I'm...see, with death, there are things we still sort of have to get used to. We don't have to be okay with it all right out of the gate. We need that time to heal and get help and I'm still...working on that. Obliviously. For some people it comes easier. The role I played...seeing it here...it kicked me hard in the gut and I've been working on finding the quiet and the peace with that first. It's a process. That doesn't mean I'm not okay. I'm really okay. I feel lighter which helps a lot. I have so much support from people that is out of this world crazy because people here know how to be supportive in the way that I need and not how I wanted it to look like. And...here...you can't hide. You can't hide away. You can ask to be alone and untouched for a bit but it doesn't last long because what you kept yourself away from when you lived...you receive that here and you like it. Even if you try to fight it...you like that love and you like that touch and for me...it goes up and down. Like...I want to receive it and then at other times I'm just...I need to be alone. More times than not...I need it. And I hang out with great people. I have family that just come around and either give me space or talk to me. I have an uncle that hangs out with me a lot. Just to check in or talk with me.

I see him talking with a gentleman on a big rock by a stream.

M: There's just this huge understanding about what we need and that's given but it's not forced and it's not pushed and that's cool because I don't want to be forced or pushed. I understand a lot more without the shoulds and I understand all that choice stuff but I...I need to go at my own pace. But I'm happy. I'm accepted here for all that I am as Mark. For all that I did or didn't do. For all that I did especially...I'm not a monster here. People think that there's a hell. Sure. Maybe there is. I haven't experienced it. I lived a quiet hell that I didn't even realize I was living until the secrets came out. I was oblivious. But I'm shown...sort of like a child is shown the consequence of their action by a parent...it's sort of like that and how it all ties into that experience. So every bit that I'm shown and all that stuff that's tied into each other...even from other lives...I'm shown that but I sort of take my time with...being okay that that is and was me.

K: Did you take your life because you were scared of prison?

M: That was a part of that. I mean, you hear all these stories of guys like me getting the shit kicked out of them because of...cruelty to kids. So that was a part of it. I didn't want to be someone's bitch. But...the fact that I got caught and...I mean...when I was out of prison...I couldn't go back to a 'normal' (finger quote) life. I'd always have that charge or that life in full view. I couldn't hide from what I did or done. I was permanently disgusting to a lot of people. People don't forgive that. I fell from the top of the world to the shanty towns of Earth. I didn't see a recovery or that I could act or be admired anymore. I couldn't see the world forgiving what I had done. So, it was more with that...that life for me was over in those respects and life...that was my life. It was dead. So I took my own life with that in my head.

His words are very emotional to me. To feel that hopelessness is incredibly painful for me. Trying to hold back tears.

K: I can see that. As you talk about it, I can see that. It looks very impossible.

M: And to consider taking my life...it had to be an impossible circumstance.

K: Did you die quickly.

M: I passed out. It wasn't excruciating or anything. I can't remember it being that way.

K: A reader wants to know if you were greeted by anyone after your death?

M: Not right away. I sort of had to...believe that I was dead. I mean, I looked at myself hanging and I knew but I didn't. It's hard to explain because I still felt very much that I was in a body even though I wasn't. I looked down at myself and saw me. That's changed a bit. I don't see a physical me unless I need that or want to. I'm like that vampire in a mirror.

K: Who did you go to first?

M: No one. I stayed with me. I saw my brother first and then I went to everyone. Seeing more pain on their faces after finding me...it was hard. It's like I felt...lately...that's all I ever offered. But, at the same time, I saw how they really felt about me and how much they adored and loved me and I couldn't see that when I lived or I didn't want to because I wouldn't understand...really why they would be so accepting of me because I wasn't accepting of me...more my actions. Seeing that sort of started to break down the wall I had around me that I still carried with me but when you have that wall in life and you still have it in death and you see people...how they really felt about you...that wall crumbles and falls because you realize you had built it around yourself for no reason. Just to protect your fears.

K: Wow. Yeah. You're so right about that. Thank you for that.

M: I had a woman greet me. She was...I thought she was an angel. She was everything that I didn't think I was and she brought me to heaven...(shakes his head, smiling) yeah...it's heaven. And she...I didn't see a bunch of people right way. There were three of them and they sort of brought me some much needed understanding that I wanted to be able to know that I was accepted in a place as beautiful as this. That was about a week. And then I felt ready enough to see people that I knew and there were so many and instead of that cheering out of admiration or adoration...they were cheering me on because they loved me.

He's getting emotional and I'm tearing up again.

M: Sorry...it was just an incredible feeling. It was so different and I sort of wished that I had known the difference before I got here.

K: I mean...don't we all.

M: (smiles) I guess, yeah.

K: The reader is also wondering if Cory showed you the ropes?

M: (laughs a little) No. I had other people that did that and still do. Cory and I sat down together because I had so many questions for him about how he was and...I think I said, what the fuck man? Because I thought Cory was clean. I thought, like a lot of us did, that him and Lea were on that road to happiness and because of that he was clean. We just talked a lot about assumptions. He wanted to know how I was. He was really concerned. We had lost contact a little bit. He had his life and I had mine so it was to catch up on a level that was really caring and supportive. He said if I ever wanted to talk...he knew a girl.

K: (laughing) He's a very cool dude.

M: I was and continue to be a little bit of a joker. Sometimes it's misplaced. It's easy to forget how jokes can actually...affect people differently. So...Simon actually gave me a lesson in that.

K: He's good for that.

M: He's not far.

K: Uh...no. He doesn't stay far when I channel.

M: It's cool. To be connected to that as a person...that's what I've been connecting to as a spirit but to have that connection as a person and to know that people have your back and are in there like pigs in shit at a moment's notice. I sometimes get blown away by those relationships and that they actually exist. I get excited about it because for people like me who took their life...it just means there's a possibility with still being able to connect to family and friends and put their minds at ease. I didn't really get how that worked. I heard about it but I sort of shrugged it off as being a little nuts. But it's cool. Really cool and gives people like me hope that maybe I can mend some bridges as me now that I couldn't mend when I was skin and bones.

K: What I've learned from this work is that everything is possible. Impossible does not exist. It's our thoughts or our assumptions that define impossible.

M: Awesome. I get that now. Where were you when I was alive?

K: Oh...here and there. Battling my own stuff in Canada. We all have our thing. I'm not addicted to anything...really. Maybe that bliss when I meditate but no one is 'innocent' of everything. We all have our issues. And, even though I had thought of you being an asshole...it doesn't last long. Those are just reactive judgement calls. I've learned from various situations in my life...that we never know what people are really going through or battling and their actions may bring us to our knees but at the same time...they've probably been crawling, spiritually speaking, for an extremely long time. I mean...that's where desperation comes from right?

M: Yeah. (smiles and nods) This was awesome. This was so good for me. This...thank you. I had my hesitations. I mean...Cory said to and he showed me and stuff but I just wasn't sure. (sighs) Sort of therapy in a different way.

K: Aw. Thanks. Super sweet of you to say.

M: I mean it. I didn't feel like it could go anywhere but to a place of forgiveness but I still wasn't 100% sold. I was told that you didn't really...you laid it out.

K: I certainly try to.

M: It's a good thing. I'll let you go. Thanks Kim.

K: You're welcome. Thanks for being so patient. Kim's life can get a little squirrely.

M: Have you seen mine?

K: (laughs) Not my place.

M: Well, yours is pretty tame. See ya.

K: See you. I always tell people I love them.

M: Yeah?

K: Because I've come to a point where that's okay for me now. A couple of years ago they were hard words to say.

M: Me too.

K: Love you Mark.

M: (smiles and hangs his head a little) Love you Kim. Thanks.

K: Bye.

Conversations with Spirit Guide Ryker – Mt. Shasta & Other Hoopla-Out-There-Kind-of-Stuff

Not a planned conversation. Although I see Ryker all the time, I don't always do a channel but the topic of Mt. Shasta came up in conversation this weekend but this channel isn't to tell her secrets so if that's what you're reading for...sorry not sorry. It's just sort of...like a conversation you'd have over a cup of coffee; the daily wonderings that make your brain wander. Here's Ryker...

R: (laughing) What are you doing?

K: Researching.

R: Why?

K: Because I have some questions and I know it's ridiculous to research something like this on the internet because it's borderline wacko.

R: It isn't borderline wacko. It is wacko.

K: I want to talk with someone about Shasta and Richard came in yesterday but I don't think he really wanted to talk about Shasta.

R: It's not that he didn't want to talk about Shasta. Richard is...protective of things that a lot of people can't see or know about because there's just a deeper truth to it and he gets frustrated. I mean, you know that man. He can get pretty short. Very much like someone I know.

K: Yeah. Well...what can you do. You're a good mix of the two of them. (Richard and Karleyne)

R: You think?

K: Yeah. Anyway...

R: Would you like to ask me about Shasta?

K: I just don't want it to come off as like...I'm trying to make rumors true.

R: There have been some fabrications but...think of Shasta like...it's somewhat of a hub. More so than the ranch. (A place I've heard about near Kamloops.) And it (the hub) brings a lot of variety with it. Some live there. Some do not live there but it's not necessarily about going to Shasta because Shasta is not just one place. If you follow the lines...ley lines of your maps, you will see that you do not necessarily have to go to Shasta to explore what the mountain holds because the...paths of those...strange places (smirks) follow a pattern and a grid that stretch to southern British Columba. Take a look.

K: It's not showing me anything.

R: You're not looking. LOOK. Look with the senses that are not considered normal. Look. Look beyond the images. You won't see it through the images on your screen.

K: Then how is one supposed to follow it?

R: You're to follow the mountain range look again and see how the mountains spread from Shasta like a spider with eight legs.

He's pretty much showing me with my third eye. Apparently there are more ley lines and energetic trails that connect together than what we (humans) are able to know about. They are vibrational; they speak a certain language that is vibrational. It sort of parallels crop circles. There are sacred geometry grids within the earth. As I'm watching I'm slowly starting to get it...but not really.

R: Good.

K: It's like...the flow sort of stops at Kamloops/Vernon area but goes down...it flows further south into South America.

R: It does. You won't find anything in your research that you don't already know or that will only make you roll your eyes.

K: Yes. And I think that's why I get frustrated. Because we live close to these places but still far enough that it's not easy for people to get to sometimes...I don't know. And we maybe believe that we have to go to this one place but if you see it of feel it out more...it's not just the one place. I mean...the one place is pretty amazing but it's more expansive than just...California.

R: I get it. I understand you.

K: Was it meant to be a destination of sorts or was it meant to be left alone?

R: Many places that have been colonized by humans were meant to be left (alone) but as with every corner of this earth, humans are trying to plant roots and they will plant them regardless of where that is...unless it is protected. Protection is usually done to recover something before it's totally destroyed and is sometimes done too little too late. For example, until Everest was protected, people took advantage of the enormity and the welcome of those mountain ranges. It was only until the monks...understood the significance of it was it ever used for the purpose it was meant to. There is a reason the Chinese wanted control over Tibet. There is a reason they wanted to infiltrate it. They wanted the unseen power of it. You are right (Reading the confusion in my mind about the monks. I assumed they were Sherpas.). Most consider them Sherpas but if they (Sherpas) are able to communicate the language of the mountain without words or linguistics, they have a bigger understanding of the significance of the place and they choose not to dumb it down with language that would only give Everest only a fraction of what it deserves. The significance of the mountains on earth are great. They are not just rocks that have jutted up. Your scientists take those theories and run with them. Yes, they have been pushed up from the earth below but they are not necessarily to climb but to house.

K: Okay. See, now you're getting into territory that I can't prove.

R: No one can prove the existence of the mountain tribes that continue to dwell or live contained in the rocks. But they don't stay in the rocks because mountain ranges are...portals. The portals are in the mountains because that is where they can be kept...discreet. If you look at the chakra system of the earth, you will notice that each point is in or by a mountain range.

K: Well...not mountain ranges. Some are sort of hilly.

R: (chuckles) You've no idea what lies underneath.

K: I have a question about that.

R: Okay.

K: The third eye of the earth isn't in a fixed location.

R: No. It's not. The eye wonders...as does a human's.

K: But right now it's over England.

R: It is.

K: Is that why there's more crop circle sightings there?

R: It is.

K: Interesting.

R: Let's take this one step at a time before we get ahead of ourselves.

K: Okay.

R: You wanted to ask about Shasta.

K: I did. Is it just the mountain? Is it all about the mountain?

R: The mountain tends to be the focus because it's the centerpiece that everyone can see. It's glorious. It's...the cherry on top. But no. It's not just the mountain. There are many gateways around the area and most of those...people aren't aware of.

K: Do you necessarily need to be on the mountain for "something" to happen or to feel the energy of it?

R: No. You do not have to be on the mountain. Planes flying overhead have had strange electrical occurrences. People on flights tend to feel elated or sick as they fly over. Pilots tend to...avoid flying right over.

K: Why?

R: Safety reasons.

K: Huh. That's interesting.

R: I don't think they would ever admit it. I think some pilots have witnessed things that they don't necessarily feel the need to speak of but they would if they were asked and I hope that if a pilot reads these words, they feel comfortable enough to share their experiences that they are being nudged to reveal through reading this.

K: I mean...there are all sorts of sacred sights on this planet.

R: Yes.

K: Some are manmade and some are naturally made.

R: Yes.

K: So are they all equal in that level of energy?

R: Simple answer is yes but according to where you are closest to...let's say you go to Ayer's Rock in Australia. It is an extremely powerful place. It is the solar plexus of the earth. Therefore, you will feel the energy more in that solar plexus of the human than in the upper chakras that everyone would like to turn on. If you went to England...Ireland...you would feel many...electrical impulses in the heart because that is the heart of Earth. It is where she beats. Now Shasta is the root. It is the base. However, people tend to visit Shasta only looking for enlightenment when to understand enlightenment, you must look at the beginning. There is a base to everything and anything and to get the most out of a visit to Shasta or the vicinity, you must be willing to get to the base of the matter. It is only when the root of anything is open and alive, will you be able to climb a vine to the crown.

K: See...people have profound experiences in Shasta.

R: They have profound experiences in Shasta because those who do, have done the alignment of their energy centers to be able to have those experiences. The vibration of the human being will directly affect the...experiences you will have in any of these spiritual centers.

K: Okay. So Shasta is a major pilgrimage for people. What about the...I don't know...places like Arizona or the Grand Canyon? Never mind. I see them.

R: See what?

K: The swirling vortexes.

R: Very good, Kimberly.

K: Okay...so you got your hubs...your places to visit or see that align your chakra system with the chakra system of the earth.

R: Yes.

K: And then you have these other places that aren't part of that. They are more vortexes and the only way I can describe them in human terms is that they are these energetic swirls in various places. Almost like energetic doors as well but more swirling. It's like the energy of them isn't stagnant at all. It's more just a constant motion like a current in an ocean.

R: Very good.

K: But then people feel this and they sort of sell it.

R: They don't sell it at first. They (vortex) are found...felt and someone has a profound experience and they want others to feel the same and so they make some sort of attempt to sell it. But...that was their personal experience and not everyone will be able to feel that same experience. Vortices aren't for everyone. For some, they can be swept up and away. For some, they can be...they can make a person terribly sick like a horrific ride at an amusement park...ones that create that antigravity effect.

K: Oh yeah. I know the ones.

R: But you and your children like those ones.

K: Sometimes.

R: So the vortices would be good for you and your children. If you do not like fast cars or thrill rides, going to various vortices would not be a great vacation.

K: Yeah. I get that. But now I...while Shasta is a chakra...it's also a vortex.

R: (sneaky grin) Are you tired yet?

K: YES!

R: Vortices allow coming and going from extraterrestrial beings. It is easier for them. It is easier for the dimension jumper to do that in these certain areas. There are beings that are dimension jumpers and prefer to travel to Earth in this way. Namely your "Big Foot" (finger quote).

K: Okay.

R: Others like to come in from the top. These are your extraterrestrial races.

K: Cool.

R: Of course, they do not need the vortex to come and visit but the hub...it's the airport and while you are aware of an airport in your British Columbia...Shasta would be much bigger than that just because of the vortices...not just one...and the chakra connection. Because it is attached to the root...you may consider this a virtual landing pad or what you would call...ground zero.

K: Interesting. The beginning.

R: The beginning. Before you build up, you must have the ground beneath your feet.

K: People say they see doorways in the mountain.

R: What did Richard say to you last night?

K: (rolling my eyes) He said they are not doors. They are windows and can only be opened from the inside. The people that have experienced going into these windows were invited. It wasn't by chance.

R: You listen very well.

K: That doesn't explain the kidnappings.

R: It doesn't?

K: No. People have been taken. They've disappeared.

R: So now we get into your conspiracy?

K Throw me a bone.

R: People, when invited by something that they do not recognize...dwell in the fear of it and so it is a kidnapping when, it was an invitation to reunite to something and share that because you were chosen to share and no one else.

K: They don't always see Telos. (Lemurian city beneath the mountain.)

R: A lot of them do.

K: What's in the mountain? Just tell me.

R: Telos is in the mountain. You are aware of this.

K: Is it just Telos?

R: No. It's not just Telos. That is the main...hub that is under Shasta. There are worlds other than Telos but they remain unseen because they do not only reside in the fourth dimension of earth but in the fifth and sixth dimensions as well.

K: Earth is fourth.

R: It is to you.

K: So when will Telos emerge from the mountain?

R: Telos will never emerge from the mountain but when Earth becomes fifth and sixth dimensional, the mountain will be less of a fortress and more of a place to...the invitations will be extended to the few who wish to make the connections back to their roots and by roots I mean their energetics and not their family history.

K: I thought Lemuria was completely destroyed.

R: Lemuria was destroyed but many of her people traveled to California and from there spread. Some went to Australia and branched out from there. They were destined to because they were meant to...bear witness to the whole of earth as an entity onto herself and not simply just as one part.

K: Did some Lemurians create Atlantis?

R: Yes. Some did although the two periods are rather neck and neck.

K: Okay. The sightings that people see...

R: They aren't shown in secret so it's nothing to cover up.

K: Have you been? (to Shasta)

R: I have. I've been before things got out of hand.

K: How so?

R: People wish for a cure all...a one stop shop; To get to a destination that they assume is for them and their awakening; this being spiritual enlightenment. And so they will go to all these spots that are shrouded in mystery and here-say...hoping for one experience that will open everything up. It does not happen this way. They build on each other but...it seems that they just want the trinket shop of the world to simply sell everything in one place and be done with it. These are moments within lifetimes that are to be held within an individual as if they return every day.

K: We're only excited about the possibility. We're excited about an awakening because we know deep down...that it's the ultimate destination. I guess we're just looking for ways to make it happen faster because we know that's the ultimate goal and it will be achieved.

R: Be excited. The possibility is there but with any possibility...the outcome is built.

K: What does a person connect with in Shasta? Parties, restaurants...food...what?

R: Nature. Everything is in the nature of it and not the buildings. It's the environment. It's the...air and the tingles one feels when they hear it whisper in their ear as wind does. Yes, you have to eat and yes you want a good time when you are travelling but the people that will get the most out of the experience are going to connect with nature. There is majesty here. Experience nature and experience it with and open mind. Ground yourself to the experience of Shasta because if you are simply passing through only to obtain a glimpse of something...otherworldly...it won't be shown.

K: If you were to sit and meditate in a forest, or whatever, near the mountain...what would that experience be like?

R: Are you an avid meditator or just sometimes?

K: Avid.

R: Huh...I hesitate to say.

K: Come on...it's only me.

R: (grin) It would be transcendent.

K: And for the occasional meditator?

R: Hhhmmm....they would have the grounding experience that would pull them, like a magnet, to something that they are not used to and some might get nervous and some might take it as an invitation to connect more. More times than not...they want more. The ones that do not meditate frequently are more active and so they must hike or walk or take up yoga...something. This is still a meditation because with these moving meditations, they find the awareness in the action. I would say, for the sometimes meditator, when you decide to go to Shasta...take some sturdy shoes or boots with you. You will do a fair amount of hiking. You will allow the ground to flow through your feet. You will sense things beneath your feet that you simply cannot explain. You will begin to sense things with your hands. You will be able to sense with your body and not so much with the energy of the head. You will feel the pull towards something you recognize but don't understand why. You will be pulled into the mountain. You may begin to see and hear those that choose to walk with you. This is very possible. But remain open. Don't expect. You don't see friends expecting them to only do what you want them to. To remain open while exploring vortices of your earth will allow the experience to become a full circle moment and not just one thing which...may end up being a disappointment. Know that you will come away better for it and just remain open.

K: Because the expectation of something happening...like a conspiracy theory attitude, will shut it down.

R: It will. If you are only searching for an invitation, it won't happen. Invitations to such things are generous in nature and must be treated as such.

K: So if a person is nudged by St. Germain to take a trip there...is it a good idea to expect something to happen while there?

R: Not necessarily. If a person has been nudged to go to Shasta, maybe they are being nudged to connect using their root and not only the head...third eye and crown. But while there, if the intention is to heal the root or continue to nourish the root on a fifth and sixth dimensional level, you will then be able to unlock the fifth and sixth dimensional systems within your own body. You are also a carrier.

K: A carrier?

R: When you are invited to these places, you are then meant to carry the energy of it with you to spread to where you reside because it is needed there and only you can do that.

K: I've heard of that before.

R: Yes. These places exist so individuals...usually those who don't know...they are meant to carry that energy or that vibration within them and use that as a healing modality or a communication tool or...something that will allow it to spread and take hold in the environments that you live. People need that magic in their own demographics to continue with their journeys. It's that little...umph that is brought back.

K: Do people realize that they are carriers of these places and they are supposed to spread that vibration so it sort of takes hold?

R: No. Do you know why they take it and spread it?

K: Not really.

R: Because vortices that have been closed...must be opened. Vortices that have been created need to be opened. More and more are required to be created or opened.

K: What?

R: They (the people) are keys. They are meant to unlock vortices in the areas that they live.

K: What?

R: Those same vortex energies in Shasta are meant to be opened here; where you are.

K: GET OUT OF FREAKING TOWN!!!!!

R: I will not.

K: That's incredibly mind blowing. So there are vortices here that mimic or are the same vibration as Shasta and those that travel there are meant to open them here...in Alberta...or wherever.

R: Yes.

K: Holy shit.

R: (grins)

K: By the way...that's not me...for the readers...totally not me.

R: It is not. If you were to go to Shasta, it would be a homecoming and a reunion.

K: I knew that. How would they (the human keys) know it's happening?

R: They would be able to measure the energy with dowsing rods or pendulums. But...you don't go to Shasta without being ready even if you are not aware. The time is right and the stars align when the traveler is energetically able to hold the frequency and bring it back. Then...the timing of travel will be right. Also, the hiker...the walker...the swimmer...the more active with nature you can be, the more you allow the vortex to feed you and you sort of accumulate the energy as if you were building cotton candy on stick. It builds and builds within you so you become the vortex...the portal in which Earth...specifically Earth can work through you.

K: You mean the elementals.

R: Yes.

K: Very interesting and I like that analogy about the cotton candy because the energy doesn't feel hard. It feels very soft and spongy...like moss. Like if you were to walk on moss.

R: Yes.

K: Totally different than that mountain hard rock type of feel. Super cool. What would a person have more luck in seeing? An elemental or an alien? A ship?

R: For just the passerby?

K: Yeah. Just taking a hike or sitting on a porch having a beer.

R: Look to the sky. To be able to see...as you are walking the earth...you must be matched. Your vibrations must match. If someone is simply taking a walk and gets kidnapped...(sighs and rolls his eyes) that is an invitation but because these people don't understand what's happening, they go into a state of fear and see or believe things differently than what was intended in the first place.

K: So trying to remain neutral is best.

R: Yes. Even those that have had many abnormal experiences...they are hell bent on getting another one and so they look and look and look and look and get the readings and coachings and crystals and all sorts of things just so they are proving themselves worthy to receive another abnormal experience and just like fear...it blocks it as well. You must...soften the focus.

K: Soften the focus. It's a lesson I'm learning and probably will continue to learn until I leave this planet.

R: No. You've learned it. But...you are a sponge and you take it on from others. It is mostly others' and not yours. You must learn to soften your grip on things that are not in your control.

K: I know.

R: And then you will find your relief.

K: Yes.

R: And you are very aware of this.

K: I'm very aware of it so I teeter between knowing and getting frustrated with myself for continuing to hang on to things that are obviously...just not working or trying to make work but they just aren't. Anyway. Another chat for another time. This was sort of impromptu so thank you for coming.

R: I always enjoy our little get-togethers. I enjoy them very much. I've missed you.

K: Starting to feel the same way. How is that even possible though? Missing someone who's through space and time? If we're (humans) space and time...doesn't that mean that you're always with me, to some degree.

R: We all are. Only by your invitation did that...begin and now will never stop.

K: God help me.

R: (low laughter) They can try. You're in my grip.

K: Ummm...no.

R: Not even a little?

K: No. Nice try though.

R: Fair enough. You stay neutral then.

K: Will do. See you soon.

R: Yes. Have a good day. It will be a busy one.

K: Great. No sweeter words have ever been spoken to me on a Tuesday after a long weekend.

R: (smiles) I love you.

K: Love you back. See you.

R: Bye.

