 
Beer Money

Mark Fitzgerald

Copyright 2010 by Mark Fitzgerald

Smashwords Edition

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get on with it...

I hate when I talk over other people... it's rude and impulsive... but waiting... waiting for them to spit out whatever shit they had is excruciating.

stoned...

I would just as soon be turned to stone immediately if I had to look directly at Madonna!... Wait.. I should have said Medusa!... whatever ... same difference.

Jersey girl...

Now that Madonna speaks with a British accent I hope the queen doesn't bestow knighthood upon her. I refuse to call the broad "Lady Madonna".... and you would bet she would demand it of everyone.

three steps to radicalization...

There are three steps to radicalization. My browser has this series of pics of the new home grown Al-Queda leader. First, his pic as a clean shaven young immigrant to America. Second, as an 80's disco-hound with precisely chiseled moustache/goutee. Third, shaggy rag-head (courtesy of photoshop of course). Clearly, he became radicalized in stage two when he struck out in his attempts to bang hot American chicks. Now he's going for virgins in the post-life sexual buffet of martyrdom.

image of Mohammed...

There aren't supposed to be any in existence, but I have an actual photo of Mohammed. He'd clean up real good with razor ... perhaps even a box-cutter.

simple solution to a millenium old problem...

"I'd say lets just give the Mohave Desert to the Palestinians but, of course the other states would protest on account of the inevitable influx of Jews." M. Gibson.

born again...

The door to the master bath is a pair of 12" french doors. Rarely closed. One night at the computer, because of allergies, I was coughing so bad that suddenly I thought I was going to puke. I bolted to the door. Karen had left one half-open. I woke up some undetermined time later... in a pool of blood. Nobody had even missed me. For all I know I might have died and been born again. I do know I was changed. From then on, if I'm gonna puke I puke right where I am.

bugs...

I'd take my computer in for servicing but... it's got a lot of ... how shall I say... "classified/for eyes only" stuff on it. Just saying.

hooters...

One of my most beloved female facebook friends just had a baby. I won't mention names and I don't even know her husband personally, but Brock, do what I did. Take baby to Hooters .. and watch all the breasts come to baby!!!!! Caution, do not take a hungry baby... primary cause of ADD in later years.

foul play...

I have a problem with those grocery store whole broiled chickens. They taste great but, when you open the packaging and see their little chickens legs bound together with wire, it's hard to deny that you aren't accessory to murder. Good eatin' though....

911...

As an architect and conspiracy guy... I have refused to sign up for any of the recent continuing education courses about building fires, that have been offered since 911. No fire in history EVER caused a building to collapse, although three did in Manhattan on the same day. Now... I will take a course on how to harden buildings against deliberate demo by your own government if... there are enough CEUs offered and the course comes with a luncheon.

the home team...

How shall I put this... delicately. A lot of my male friends don't "play on the same team" as me. It not coz they only want to be "pitcher or catcher",.. it's coz they have absolutely no interest in going to second base... let alone sliding into home.

one whores town...

The City of Grand Prairie Texas police department does that sting thing all the time, ( that I have a real problem with ) where they dress up a cop like a whore and she struts along Main Street until some poor down on his luck/but high on his sperm count schmuck solicits her. It is a victimless crime but, Iguess this is done in the interest of preserving the moral character of our citizens. So why don't catholic nuns run the same kind of sting... MAN WOULD THAT SCARE THE FUCK OUT OF YOU when she pulled out her rosary.

bad hair era...

Back in the late 80' when I was super fit and running I wore my hair really long in the back; even though I was a professional architect as well. Be honest with me.... did it count as a mullet?????

big part of me...

there's a big part of me that thinks.... yes, it's just above my neck and between my ears.

failed audition...

I auditioned for the lead in a porno movie... man... I came this close. But you know, close only counts in horseshoes... and something else, I forget. No! I remember... "whoreshoes".

how does BP do it???...

some people pee in the shower...( not me )... some people pee in pools ...( not me) . It took an hour for me to force myself to pee in the Pacific Ocean and my guilt is still unabated twenty years later.

succulent...

I am uncomfortable with this word. It straddles eroticism and gastronomy. It sounds equally inappropriate and cheesy in either realm. Should I eat something that I would be better fucking... fucking something I really should eat. It's a worthless word. The word itself, "succulent", sounds like it just rolled of the lips of porn star. It sucks regardless of having the syllable "suck" in it's pronunciation.

free pork...

You all probably know that joke about the conflict free pork would cause a faithful Jew. This is the same kind of thing. One of my absolute favorite females, who can take a joke to a point, finally got married. To a missionary.

What fodder... for off-color humor...... and I can't go near it.

who's "bad"...

If your lovemaking is so compelling that it causes your partner to ... make

wind... should an apology be forthcoming from either of you? If she says "excuse me" do you follow with "no, it was my fault". Just one of those awkward situations they never tell you about in gym class.

winds...

I wonder if farts are a window to the soul. Probably.

probable cause...

vomiting is often associated with the presence of puke in the stomach party fun...

Just once, I wish someone would fill a pinata with meat products. Maybe a paper mache whale full of sardines. THAT group of kids would grow up with a lessened tendency to hit animals with sticks.

lynnard di vinci...

I think we'd care a whole lot less if her name was... Mona Lucy.

compare and contrast...

If anyone EVER asks that of me again, there will be blood. Total genius though.... it is illiterative and created a form of test question requiring no knowledge of the subject matter by thee person asking or grading.

didn't happen...

originally, I had planned for many marriages but, you know, life got in the way... career, kids, my music and, of course, Karen.

75052?

I guess you can all tell. It's just a matter of time before I go "postal" ... the only thing in question is the specific zip code.

plea for attention...

just like I used to do before, I ran my hand gently over my wife's buttocks, there just beneath her silky nightgown. She went motionless and pretended to be asleep, even as the water in the sink covered the dishes entirely and was running into the top of the rubbermaid gloves she was wearing.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh......

sometimes.. I JUST WANNA SCREAM!!!!! no real reason, of course... I just have a feminine side.

courtesy is my middle name...

my 16 year old van is still my ride to work. But, it leaks steering fluid. Too complicated to fix. I think it pisses my bosses off that I leak on their parking lot but at least I park on the "wet spot".

sex problems????

Girl's you could tell me your stories and I could advise you... but come on ...you know damn well what you're doing wrong.

bad"dad"ism #one

He was just toddling. VCR's were all the rage but I couldn't actually afford one.

I rented the whole setup from the grocery store; player, cables, movie... ( a movie with lot's of nudity). Karen was taking Master's degree classes at night. WTF... he won't have a clue what I'm watching. That 16 month old dude was so revv'ed up he was like the "energizer bunny"... just pacing in every direction with his eyes never losing their focus. As a graduate of five years of psychology I was intrigued. As a dad........ what need I say!!!!!!!

"pop"arrazzi...

the kid in that pic is my son Parker, who, as a rising actor, will be famous someday. His image.. yes, but I took the pic. So sue me Parker.

defiant...

they say I'm the sexiest man alive. Well, they can say what they want... it doesn't mean I have to agree with them. Thank you.

father's words...

I had this buddy in graduate school. I liked him because, for an architecture student, he was down to earth. Not some wannabe iconoclast. His dad was even a little closer to the dirt. When son and Dad went through the drive- thru at McDonalds dad said "well, at least it will make shit."

sleepy time...

If I didn't have sleep apnea... I wouldn't think of all this random shit. But when you wake up 28 times per hour, you think.....

because I'm one of you

As a courtesy to others I try not to post during the dinner hour. You're welcome.

matter of taste...

I guess I can understand that God might not have intended for men to lie down

with men, but surely he didn't give women such cool junk and expect the same thing of them.

more better bard...

"to thou nine old elves, be true".. wtf.. who would deceive one old elf, let alone nine!!!

quality time...

sometimes when I'm alone and I think " I just can't go on "... I go on the net and "get off". Does this make sense... I hope not.

confession...

Generally, I conceal my vulnerability. First time I didn't, this big black dude "vulnered" me real bad. Not saying race had anything to do with it. Just the way it came down. NEVER AGAIN.

happy place...

I think I'll do some online banking ... that always cheers me up.

drugs...

Paxil -36 hour or Paxil- everyday. I can't decide. I do want to be ready when the time is right, though.

scatological theory...

poo ... poop .. why the extra p? adds nothing.

rear end...

if it's "bum" in Canada and "butt" in America, why is misfortune in America a "bummer" . English makes no sense. Why do we even speak it?

four little words...

I hope, I am not the only one, among people I respect that, in a reckless moment has uttered the phrase "let's git' er done". I lost the good regards of a young female friend because of my one little slip.

el el ..

I'm glad Lindsey's out. Everyone is back in their places. BTW, us middle aged guys are not all that down on the Lindseys and Paris's. We're glad they don't, by marriage or paternity, share out surnames. But barring that ... its all good.

simulated sinus condition ..

Try this..

first say:

duct tape

easy.

now say

tuct dape

don't your sinuses feel all stuffed up.

better bard

Romeo.. Romeo... where fart thou????

radicalized...

I have become radicalized!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.. er... wait... "caramelized"... that's what I meant. Totally different thing.

illegally blonde...

"If have only one life to live, let me live it as a blonde." General George A. M. Custer. Who incidentally was NOT legally blonde.. he just liked the attention if got him. I think he did have more fun as well.

fish taco...

Fish taco.... had the chef who invented those ever even heard of metaphors? Was't wasted on me. Just saying. But I believe in gender-justice... especially if it is poetic. For years men have had to endure the humiliation of the "hot dog" Well, back at ya girls!!!!!

lite...

Back when we were high school, Aunt Jemima was a little on the chubby side...now, you go girl and your scrawny new booty.

ayecarumba...

hooo ... hooo .. hooo .. it has come to my attention that body does not always fully digest jalepenos.... hoooo.. hooo .. just ... hooo.... saying...

don't speak...

My sister Lisa is the family genealogist. I wish she wasn't. But most of all I wish I hadn't told her to her face, coz now I'm down to just two wishes

2012...

I, for one, do not dread the coming end of days. As it is, there's nothing to watch but chick talk shows and the soaps, anyway.

Bill Gates...

Like I should talk but I agree with others, I think it is about time Bill Gates got a big-boy haircut.

pure as Purelle...

the blissfull ignorence of the pure heart. My wife sometimes moisturizes her hands while checking emails. But I wish she wouldn't leave the lotion at the computer. Creates a vista that might be construed.

doubts...

I guess I'm just a paranoid suspicious type, but sometimes I wonder if Karen really is the mother of my children.

names can be hurtful...

I am offended, personally (wait that is redundant when we say it that way)...

Sorry. They changed the term "psychopath" to "sociopath". In doing so the just disenfranchised all the less gregarious, sullen loners like me. What about our

needs?

voice of experience...

If your girlfriend ever sits you down and says, " I don't know how to tell you this,"... trust me, she figured out exactly how to tell you and here it comes.

just a regular guy..

Bill Gates, among a number of billionaires (no zillionaires though) has pledged to give half of his wealth ( 50 - (50/2)= 25 billion) to charity. Now, at least he will know how hard it is to support a family of four.

venting...

Now that my son is older, he can get moody. Sometimes he goes off in the car, only to return hours later. I always confront him with the same question.. "you weren't out killing prostitutes were you... you know that Dad's deal. Find

you own outlet."

honey??

Sometimes I look over at my computer and see that little yellow light flashing.. and I wanna ask, "waddaya thinking honey?" but I'm sure I wouldn't understand.

shi'ite load...

I have a whole shi'ite load of muslim jokes.. but telling them is not worth dying for.

funny play on words...

I may not be an interesting person, but in several jurisdictions I'm a person of interest.

good eatin'

you know those "world's biggest pizza", "world's biggest sub sandwich" events that we so often stage in America? I think the US Bureau of Tourism should do a really upscale promotional brochure about these, so that the starving folks in the third world would consider taking their vacations here. My idea.

anti-viral...

Considering all the vile places I've taken my computer over the years, you'd think it would have developed considerable immunity to viruses.

facebookers...

Sometimes I notice that people of "substance" have facebook accounts. Of course, that immediately diminishes my perception of them.

myth of American superiority...

Thirty years ago, we (I mean me too) seemed to well up with "American can-do pride" when a foreign nation consented to sell coke or a McDonalds set up. At the same time, those nations were selling us all sorts of durable goods, electronic, etc, putting domestic manufacturers right out of business. But, NOBODY CAN FRY A GROUND BEEF PATTIE (BE IT ROUND OR EVEN SQUARE) LIKE AN AMERICAN.

bootie...

Strange to admit this... but I am not at all sure what the term bootie refers too. Is it a general reference or does it refer to one of two specific places.

eh????

Canadians are actually pretty self-conscious about their use of the utterance "eh". In New Orleans, a street vendor asked my "mother-in-law" if all Canadians said that, and quite defensively she retorted with " we don't all say that ... eh." It just forced its way out.

number 78 now being served...

I live in a very ethnically diverse part of the DFW metroplex: Grand Prairie: often referred to as the butt-crack of the metroplex. I spent hour at the DPS trying to renew my driver's license. Impossible when absolutely everyone else, by virtue of the birth origin, is engaged in a process rivaled in complexity only by immigration and naturalization.

the natural order...

men love da beer.... women love deBeers.

good old days...

Sexually, I pine for the good old days... before the bar was set so high: when there were ribbons for participation. I guess I'm a "retro-sexual".

?

would you like to try one of our specials?

state inspection...

My daughter's 73 Volvo 1800 ES passed the state inspection today; as I prayed it would after so much effort. It made it all the way across the intersection in front of the inspection place before it quit. I walked the mile home filled with the pride of a job well done.

microsoft DOS...

.. all in the name. This is the only reason that the nimrod Bill Gates is so f'ing rich. Ultimately, only one software system was going to prevail and become the most common platform. In the early days people would come into the little "mom and pop" computer stores and ask "I have this big calculator/label maker/computer thing that supposedly has this disky thing... I guess I need some sort of er... Disk Operating System or whatever... do you have one". "Yes sir... it's right here. Says so on the box even... microsoft disk operating

system."

accents...

What makes your skin crawl more... when wannabe Brits pronounce it "jag -you -are" or when Texans say "jag-wire"?

LOH

I don't think Lee Harvey Oswald helped his case much that Friday night when he protested " I'm just a pastry!" .... made no sense at the time or now.... hence all the conspiracy theory stuff. True story.

wind chill/heat index...

Makes as much sense as saying she/he is a 12 on the attractive scale (of one to ten) because her great personality raised her/him from the 4 they really are.

white socks...

Years ago, I resolved to only buy white athletic socks and to wear them for whatever, work, running... whatever. Besides, they do go with Dockers. Today I have at least one hundred unmatched pairs of them Not a single set of identical twins in the bunch. All fraternals. Now it take an eternity to pick a pair. Good idea gone bad.

casual Friday's...

I think casual Fridays is just an accommodation the "man" makes because he doesn't pay us enough to have five days worth of good clothes.

facebook friending...

The reason I don't "friend" my kids is not to respect their right to privacy. No, it is because it would become so awkward around the table after they "unfriend" me.

please please.. ask the question!

Back when I was running, I would do a 26 miler every second Sunday. In August, I would go to the track at the high school at 5:00 am so that I could keep a large supply of water available. At about 7:50, this guy started running with me ... and about a half lap later he said... " I can't hold this pace..

how many laps you doing anyway?" I said , "just one more"..... ask me .. ask me.. finally he asked " how many have you done so far"......... I said casually... "103".

common scents...

I noticed the other day that our bathroom scent/freshener was actually a food odor (vanilla). That just seems weird.

specialist ..

I wonder if the opposite of a specialist is a commonist. ... should we fear them.. turn their names into the AHJ ( authority having jurisdiction). I just want to have done the right thing and be left alone.

statistical error..

In the 50's the average length of the angry male organ was determined to be 6"... through self-reporting. Now, I'm not an expert in statistical study, let alone a "weinerologist", but that is just bad science. Seems that it resulted in margin of error of 1/2". Puts me on the preferred side of the curve. At least that one time... and who's measuring?

31 times I got it right!

Leaving the house, in a huff, at 7:15.. I called out to Karen (who was wiping up the dog urine in the front bathroom).. " okay.. see you later hon." .. to which she replied "happy anniversary".At least I remembered the other 31 times. That should count for something.

help!!!

I can't stop posting.... it's all I think about. I could care less about sex or food or tv. BTW, has anyone seen my daughter Taylor????.. my wife is in Canada for the weekend and will call tonight and I'll have to tell her something!!!!!!

stupid phrase...

"Imitation is the highest form of flatulence". Stupid.

graffiti...

My father in law, a man I like, once drove me across town to see something... some graffiti on the side of a building. "I used to be disgusted but now try to be amused". I didn't have the heart to tell him the truth. Besides, he just would have thought I meant the other Elvis.

for whom the bell tolls ..

Girls, I really think that once you've surrender your virginity that bell cannot be "unrung". But, to be totally sure, I am willing to tinker with it.

Darwin...

If Darwin's theory was even remotely correct, the human penis would be a foot long on average and breasts... god help us!!!!

tummy ache..

I was having "digestive" problems so I went to the doctor. He said I had a "spastic" colon... but he said it out loud. My bowel does not like being insulted .. now it is also irritable. I might sue.

sartorial excess...

Speaking of Thanksgiving, ... a little preemptively, I bet when the Indians got to the party and saw the Pilgrims in those crazy "buckle hats" ... I bet they really felt under-dressed.

female facebook friends...

I really love becoming "friends" with vivacious young women. Eventually, they all say, "I just wish you were younger... so fuck off"... or something to that effect...in so many words.

dyslexia

I didn't even know I had it until I opened the door to my "escort" ... I thought the ad had said "georgeous/curious". Crazy monkey sex......

facebook...

Sometimes if a "friend" hasn't posted in while, I wonder if they haven't suddenly reached a level of maturity that is incompatible with "facebook"... and I start to feel embarrassment for myself.

69.......

I have a term life insurance policy that stays in effect until my seventieth birthday. $ 300K. My wife is not much of a cook. Trust me, I won't be eating any "new" recipes offered by Karen in the last week of my 69th year.

toast to the bride...

When I married Karen, she was this silly little nineteen year old bobble head thing who was also a total hockey groupie. When I composed my "response to

the toast to the bride" I really wanted to work in a joke about her despair over "missing a period" but I wasn't as crass as I am now and....

Halloween prank...

I thought of the most perfect Halloween prank... for adults. At those "spare no expense" parties that adults throw. Tell everyone they are bobbing for apples but, in actuality, fill the tub with botox.. lol.. permanant "O" face for everyone. Discard the apples.

Farmville...

If I ever come to Farmville... step aside, I'm gonna whip that place into shape and make it profitable for once!!!!!!

opportunity lost...

I think a great opportunity has been lost since last Thanksgiving. There should have been many, many more jokes about Tiger's "wood".

I understand the term...

For years I ate Cheerios.. but eventually I got sick of them.. then it was Rice Krispies. For almost two years. The last ten years..... shredded wheat. I guess I am what they call a cereal monogomist.

suggested warning on digital cameras...

objects in camera image may be older than they feel

cell phone self shooting...

I was the last guy to get one. On Father's day the wife and kids presented me with a cell phone. It's one of those camera phones. So, I've been self-shooting (like teenage girls do.. keep it up girls ) to try and get an updated pic for my facebook page but all the friggin thing does is spit out pictures of my grandfather. Junk.

any suggestions...

when I die, as I probably will, I hope Parker and Taylor stand before the assembled and say " Mark Lee Fitzgerald was a man who stood for something...." any suggestions?

caught ..

one of strangest challenges of a young marriage... you take the most circuitous and stealthful voyage in order to pass gas and the instant you are done your spouse appears with a " whatcha doin' hon?" And all you can do it look for a sudden dimming of the usual sparkle in her eye.

a simple kindness...

Next time the occasion arises... when someone accidently farts within ear shot... just say "bless you". They'll know you are special and that they are special to you. It really works.

dairy contrary...

I finally have come to appreciate the magnitude of my wife's distaste for dairy. I was flipping through our scrap book of 32 years of wedded bliss. It is clear, in not one pic is she actually saying "cheese". brother's love...

I think the most selfless thing I ever did was teaching my fifteen year old sister to smoke. She thanks me still to this day.

tit for tat...

I drove up behind this girl that was so beautiful that the back of her head was all that was needed for confirmation. Then, I noticed the incredible car she was driving. A new Bentley. I said to myself, "I bet she earned that."

But I was wrong, that car lists at $280,000... she couldn't have earned it... she's probably fucking some rich guy.

tastey!!!!

for no more than an hour, in the eighties, it was inexplicably cool to use "tastey" as a ubiquitous adjective. " Enjoy the rush hour drive folks as I spin some tastey tunes for you on WXPE."...makes me shiver....

labor day...

Labor day is mere weeks away and my wife still hasn't found the perfect Labor Day outfits for herself and the kids. Me... I don't care.

intelligent design...

In a hundred years from now.. maybe two hundred.. the scientists will have finally figured out the rhyme and reason of the universe. And they will sit on the curb and exclaim.. " that God is one clever dude!!!!!". Yes, dude will have become a legitimate and respected word.

phoney...

I actually faked an orgasm once. My very first time rounding the bases... I made an unnoticed error at third base but just went ahead and slid into home. TMI?

my treat to myself...

Sometimes, later in the evening, I like to go to public restrooms and sit on the toilets... directly on the porcelain part below the lid..(btw. That was my friend Russell's joke... )

father of the bride...

If a president's daughter marries while he is in office, who pays for the wedding? You and me, or just him. Obama's girls are within range if he goes two terms. What it the tide turns? I stand firm in saying we should only pay for the first of Bristol Palin's weddings!!!!!!!

not hard to understand...

I can't believe that everybody isn't an anti-semite... that stuff is gross!!!!!!

new facebook friend...

Every time I make a new facebook friend, I wonder if he or she, will be all of those things to me that the rest of you aren't. Just saying... you all could have done so much more.

sharing the same diet..??

Imitation is the highest form of flatulence.

3rd gf...

My third real girlfriend has yet to appear.. procrastinating bitch.

2nd gf...

My second real girlfriend was always making vertical stacks of my things... castellating bitch.

first gf...

My first real girlfriend was always on my case about something....castigating bitch.

til death us part...

If I still had my virginity now.... I think I'd be pretty much stuck with it. facebook filibuster...

sometimes I get on facebook and rant and rave until someone agrees with me ... or I get bored.

one day at a time...

I drink beer.. there, I admit it. I took the first step of the twelve... happy???? My beloved daughter said to me one day ... " Daddy, you're always drinking beer, but I've never seen you drunk, ".... "No, honey, you've never seem me sober".

unnecessary nudity...

I call the boobs shown in unwarranted nudity scenes...... gratuitits.

let me say this about that...

this........ That's all I had. Sorry.

asians...

I think I could really dig Asian girls... great taste/less filling.

facebook analogy...

Facebook is like fishing with a cane pole . just watching the bobber thing.. wishing it would bob.. wondering if your bait is gone or wrong.. or maybe it's more like "whack-a-mole".. waiting for something to pop up so you can pound its noggen with you clever hammer.

big rigs...

I used to wonder..... how do those long haul truckers "hold it" on those cross country trips. So I looked on-line .. they've actually got potties in those little seeper cabs. And a bunk, a table for two.. kitchenette.No joke really.. just really cozy and cool.

perfect cry for Facebook attention...

HEY!!!!!!!!!! all you people out there with lives.... WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS!!!!!!! Try it ... it works

Kennedy Assassination

I actually think it is my destiny to solve the mystery of the Kennedy assassination. My middle name is Lee.. my last name is Fitzgerald... I am a Texan.. with communist tendencies. I registered my 1970n Volvo and the plate I got was D (Dallas) 63 ( 1963) KLR ( killer). Weird... when I get whacked off.. excuse me .. whacked.. you'll know why.

spelling...

Shortly before I bought my first Volvo 1800 from a friend in 1985, it had been rear ended. The 1800 is demarcated by the series of letters V O L V O across the trunk. When he picked it up, from the Volvo specialist, after it had been repaired and painted it had become a VOLOV.

volvos...

I love Volvos. The old ones. My son has taken possession of my 1970 1800 E. We painted it a metallic grey. But it has been damage lately and needs to be repainted. I want to paint it a bluish'-green. I have told him this would be to his advantage because... there's something about and aqua Volvo man.!!!

little sis...

I have noticed that my kid sister is the only real proponent of my jokes. Probably afraid I will punch her like those thousand other times.

911 collateral damage..

I just dropped Karen at the airport for her weekend trip to Canada. Made me think that the REAL tragedy of 911 was that I could no longer accompany her to "airside" so that we could wait together for her plane.

car restoration...

TAYLOR'S CAR IS FINISHED!!!!!. I bought way too many screws. I have 3-#8 and 4-#6 that I won't be using. Free to the first caller. Pick up only.

my last birthday missive...

"Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers on this, the first day of my

fifty-eighth year of exile on this planet."

accent on the right syllable...

Is it just me .. but didn't they used to always pronounce "pianist" such that it made us want to snicker a bit....?

gateway...

There's a reason I don't make even the least pledge to PBS... not even " pennies a day". Maybe that is how it starts but for some poor schmucks it end up at "dollars a day". Sort of a "gateway" thing. I know these... I am vulnerable. " Sure son, put down your "legos" and have a taste of daddy's beer if you want"... said my dad that fateful day in 1957.

wtf ?????

wtf happened to the "f" word? The word used to have real "cred". Now it's just this ubiquitous all-purpose adjective/adverb.... effing this/effin that. When it gets to the point that we start to lose the "c" word.. we're lost. Rent a British movie... try Shawn of the Dead or Trainspotting.... it's happening there already!

boobs....

I think of boobs the same way I think of my hundreds of orphaned white socks. Ankle or knee/large or small, any two that are a reasonable match are more than adequate.

that explains it.....

Once speaking with a lesbian friend of mine, who had a gay brother, she stated that she could identify other-worldly qualities in him and his friends that evidenced that they were really aliens. I replied... justly... "well, that would explain the whole anal probing thing."

WAI ( what am I ?).......

Bernal

Brach

Gerber

Manischevitz

Hellman

Smucker

Fleischman

Polski

Weiner

Heinz

Fletcher

....... Schindler's grocery list!!!!! haahahahahahha!!!

hybrids...

There was something on the internet the other week about a zebra/donkey hybrid. Makes me think of this idea I have had for a long time. Men and women are so incredibly different. I wonder if we really are the same species. Maybe we have just been cross breeding for millenia. This is not funny.. but it

is intriguing.. if you're stoned.

surprise!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ten years ago, to the very day, my ten year old son confessed that he had this recurring dream that if he ever watched the movie "Halloween" with me, at some point, I would pull off my face and reveal that I was an alien. Ha ha. Karen is in Canada. Tonight is family movie night. I have a BIG surprise in

store for him...hahahahahahahahahahaahahhahahhaHAHAHAHAHAAHAHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gone with the breeze

FPKT ( few people know this). The last two lines of "Gone With the Wind" were actually to have been Rhetts. But it was a different era.. a different eros. He was to say.. "As God is my witness, I'll never be horny again.. after all, tomorrow I'm going gay". True.

shrimp on the barby...

If my daughter Taylor marries an Australian.. as soon as they say I do, I'm gonna yell... "a dingo ate my baby!!""""".. sure it's a metaphorical joke but hey, I paid a fortune for that wedding and .......

boy wonder...

back in the day, people would ask me if it was especially hard for me at the time and I would answer.. "no, not really ... not really much to being a child progeny."

ever evolving science and opportunity ..

I am subtly trying to steer my children into careers in dental technology. Ever year there are much heralded "breakthroughs" in toothpaste formulations and brush design. Somebody much be getting rich. Might as well be a Fitzgerald.

quantitatively speaking...

Gay or straight. Culturally we make such a fuss; like there was some qualitative difference at issue. Look, I like weenie just as much as the next guy. It's just that I'm really only partial to one in particular. But jeez.. add just one more weiner to the mix and they think you're queer. I have this right.. don't I??

booting up...

I'm glad my brain isn't like my home computer. Picture this. Karen wakes me up in the morning ... and I sit hunched over in a chair and drooling for an hour before I can interact with anyone.

a more innocent time..??

When I was 12 years old, my parents made me join the YMCA, which was located downtown: a long bus ride from home, Wednesday evenings and Saturday mornings. It was men only, so all us little boys had to swim in the nude among our naked elders. To a boy, a grown mans doololly looks like a giant lethargic grazing beast. Overall, it was not one of my better experiences.

urban myths..

So why aren't there "rural myths". I would suggest all those "farmer's daughter" tales but they are known to be true.

talking dirty...

"... with penis and vagina we had intercourse". Substitute any of our naughty words and I doubt it would sound as weird or vulgar. Just an observation.

white trash...

The Fitzgeralds, by way of marriage to the Butts, are kin to the Barrows. As in Clyde Barrow. My grandad, "pop", actually picked cotton with Clyde' brother and partner in crime, Buck Barrow. Maybe this goes part of the way to explaining why my father and I have always been partial to scrawny redheads with dirty feet.

loser !!!

I picture the guy who invented Myspace rocking back and forth in a straight back chair, in the dark, away from sunlight, repeating.. wtf/omg... wtf/omg

viva Viagra...

remember that Viagra add with the guy on the motorcycle and the Vegas theme song. The guy is primordal looking.. I suspect he would need a pill just to get it to take four hours off.

what about our needs...

I think it is high time us straight folks had an "emotion" attached to our orientation. "Gay" is taken... suggestions?

big shots...

I hope those guys in porn films aren't good at other things as well. That would be unfair.

I wonder...

I wonder if my participation will kill Facebook as I assume it killed MYSPACE.

I hope not...

As an architect, I am often called upon to restore buildings of the same vintage as myself. I am so often astounded at how decrepit they have become and it is hard not to speculate if time has not been just as hard

olive two...

Returning to my thought about cocktail olives. I like to take a jar of cocktail

olives, squeeze em like zits until the red thing pops out. I make pile of the red things and then eat them one by one. Discard the green stuff. It's a labor but worth it.

lite fare..

Have you noticed, the recipes I post are almost profanity free. Makes you say to yourself... " I can't believe it's not smuttier."

Paris...

I remember the first time I saw Paris... it was raining, ever so slightly and the sun was setting and there she was trying to score some coke from this homey.

in my defense...

technically, if they don't find the body, it isn't murder.. SO GET OFF MY CASE.

code name...

I used to post as "Onan the Agrarian" but then I realized, "that's crazy, everyone will know its me".

Bill White...

I just got a call from Bill White, Texas demo guber guy. He said " This is Bill White your candidate for governor... and I said enough Bill I vote demo cross ticket .. but the sob just went on and on like some friggin robot in this monotonic voice.Wouldn't let me get a work in. I just hung up on him. Got my vote, Bill, but get a personality. Sheeeez.

downside of FB...

when you friend someone with thousands of FB friends, you don't get very good service.

six degrees of separation...

if you ask me, Facebook is an awfully convoluted way to become connected to Kevin Bacon.

memories...

people always miss the "good old days", but I will bet the farm they had the most fun on the good old nights and sometimes over the good old noon hour. Just saying.

my terms...

I will friend a conservative if, she's unbelievably beautiful and has cigarettes. Otherwise no. BTW. I don't smoke anymore .. sort of.

almighty being.. and jerk!

It is one thing to defriend.... but blocking is like execution. Like you never existed, before, now or evermore. Who do you think you are "blocker".. GOD?

huh?

As I recall, I used to remember stuff.

confession...

okay, I admit it.. I have hurt a flea. He was bugging Timmy and I killed him.

your fault !

you're the reason I am this way.

olive one....

I tried to get a job stuffing pimentos into olives, but I've these fat, sausage fingers and I failed the practical test. I was fine on the written part, though.

movin' on up...

... living in such a good neighborhood, finally, it's almost pointless having superpowers now.

easy for me...

Very often, I can determine a FB person's sex merely by their pic.. I don't even have to go to "info"

for Nancy...

I had a facebook friend, Nancy.. she was so much like me.. I wanted to marry her and change our names to the "Aspergers". But she disappeared.

it gets better..

We are bullied our whole lives. By the big kids in school. By our asshole bosses as adults. We can fight back, which takes courage that we shouldn't really have to muster or we can turn the other cheek. Or both as the situation warrants. But, as I have told my children, when some asshole treats you poorly, when he walks away he is still an asshole.

same ol same ol...

some of you may not know this but, in spite of everything, I'm still, basically, just a regular guy......

celebrity sighting...

Once, at this celebrity deal in LA I heard someone to the side of me say, "hey aren't you Tom Cruise?". I smiled humbly and all that and then said, pointing to the guy right next to me, "no.. this is Tom Cruise".......

for my own good...

I'm out in my garage sanding bondo on my Volvo , which is taking forever because I am legally restrained from using course sand paper. For my own protection they said.

rules of the game...

if I ever get a doctorate in philosophy, I an going to tell girls that I'm an epistemologist.. certainty not an ethicist or something like that. That will play better with the ladies. I gave similar advice to my phD physicist brother in law. Told him to slur the last part of physicist.. let it sound like physician. How the game's played.

so what if I am ..

I'm a gentleman, so I'll only say this.. Carly really damaged our relationship with that friggin' song.

just for the ladies...

and another thing laaadieees!.. when a man asks "who's your daddy?".. answer! we have a right to know. thx

method acting..

if I was an actor, I'd have to think "long and hard" before I could do one of those erectile dysfunction ads

car talk...

it just doesn't make sense, that phrase.." the only good engine is a dead engine".

a blessing to all...

whatever the future holds.. I hope we all get it in the end

mmmmmmm...

like most shut-in men, I make unnaturally good sandwiches now....

what's in a word...

let's not mince words, okay.. I mean they are totally unintelligible when you do... just a bunch of letters.

tibet chick...

I just met this Asian chick, Darlie Lhama... what a piece of work, dressed nice in this silk evening thing, and if we both took off our glasses, she was not too hard on the eyes... but talk about full of herself.. that's enough of her for this life... just sayin'.

careers...

when I was five years old, I successfully took apart and reassembled a click button ball point pen. And I said to myself "this is what I will do for a career." Childish dreams.

SALMONILLA

Often confused with a petty bacteria, salmonilla was actually a "radioactively mutated monster fish" that terrorizied the west Canadian coast in a series of lesser known 50's vintage Canadian produced horror films. The films might have succeeded but, as every second word of dialogue had to be in French, they were incomprehensible to every one, including the 15 million Canadians. The Japs stole the concept and prevailed with the iconoclastic Godzilla series. True.

panty rat....

my new name for a woman's privates! Like it?

fessing up..

Now that my son has completed adolescence he has the nose that is his birthright. Not a cherub's nose but a nose of substance, which he wears well. He's a good looking man. It was awkward confessing that my nose was not a "skips a generation" thing but a $250 deal of a lifetime I got in Canada on the public health care program. My hair is my own.

payback...

It is infinitely amusing, when you are fired or layed off, knowing that your bosses end up so exasperated at the difficulty of figuring out the "what/how/why" of your activiites. And of course you are disparaged for having failed to organize you efforts so that you could be suddenly dismissed with no shock to the system. Screw 'em.

mirror crack'd

I used to not get afraid of the funny faces I would make in the mirror years ago. Now they are downright creepy.

thanks Tony Montana!!!!

I used to say.... "say hello to my little friend".. all the time, before Pacino ripped me off. Of course, I attached a totally different meaning to "little friend".

best possible news..

They just announced ( after a legitimate longitudinal study) that heavy drinkers significantly outlive non-drinkers. I secretly gloated while telling my tea-totaller wife this... and knowing I might get a few days, months or even years of peace before I die.

tits..

while brushing our teeth together, in her parents summer cabin, my girl friend pulled up white top declaring... "look my teeth are just as white". Remember tank tops. The remarkable orbs tumbled to earth and we laughed ourselves silly. Explaining the joke to her folks, it was hard to maintain that that was the first I had known of them.'

horoscopes..

I think the moment of conception has more significance than the day of birth. If you figure in the variability of human gestation ( you could have been a "premie" or maybe baked a little longer) I think , if your horoscope based on your official sign is not favorable, by all means feel free to move forward or back ONE sign.

coffee grinder ..

when my computer boots up in the morning it sounds like a coffee grinder for an hour as it prepares for the new day. It is just too fastidious. It tries to alphabetize my thousands of jpegs, which is pointless since the were all saved as c:/files/secret/girly pics/ghfrghfu (random key strokes).

restoring excellence..

I think a great deal of the creative impetus of the American male would be returned to full productivity if all the pornographic images available on the internet were available on one convenient USB drive: at a reasonable price. Of course, it would be the end of the internet as we know it now.

true poise....

Mt uncle Thad (yes, Thad) was prior generation manifestation of my son Parker. Actor/singer/Quixotic type. Loved him some Frank Sinatra. Had a full size cardboard cut out of him. Lived in LA. Out of the blue, walking right toward "ol blue eyes", as they passed Thad said "hey Frank" .... and Frank said "hey".Of course Franks guys beat the shit out of Thad but Thad had played it cool .. daddyo-oh.

old times..

I sort of resent the people suggest that the internet is impersonal. Occasionally, I will happen upon some image of chick from years ago.. and I feel this sort of connection with her. Like coming across a really old Playboy magazine published in your teenage years. It's like you " know " the centerfold.. in the Biblical sense.

my sick computer...

My computer and I have been on the bad side of the tracks a lot. I admit. I think it might have stepped in something or drank the water.

the f' word .. again

Just to put the "f" word thing to rest. That word was the respectable word for the act, among one of the early British tribes. When they were vanquished by the next generation of Brits, their language was prohibited. And so the work became taboo.. but persisted, partly of course, because "diddling" lacked punch.

my historic diary....

For years, I have been keeping a diary. Total bullshit. I just make up stuff.. total bullshit. A total hybrid of the lives of my friends and my fantasies. When I'm finally arrested and they find my "diary" they'll be so thrown off.

lexi...

I wonder if the great lexographers realized that someday their work would be used, philosophically, by morons to bolster their arguments. You know.. when a guy says, "well, the dictionary defines blah blah as blah blah blah...."

a breakthrough...

Later today, and certainly Monday at the latest, I will complete and publish my findings regarding the no cholesterol mayo. Sorry for the delay. I understand your sense of anticipation but, I still have more of the other mayo to finish and I would like to clear my palate before the test.

cry for help....

dot dot dot dash dash dash dot dot dot

gas....

they warn, "can cause excessive flatulence" .... is there a just perfect level?

who knew

I would have never have thought that eventually I would outlive my uselessness.

wooo...

Do you know those "black" oriented sitcoms.. like House of Payne. Yes, good. Well, you know those "woooooooooooooooo " exclamations you hear from the studio audience when something significant happens.... white people. It's a casting thing. They just do it better.

choices.. they matter

In the matter of making sexual choices. Wake up people ,if it was a "choice" no woman in the world would go with a man. Look at us. We're gross. Some may disagree but I am firm in this. I guess firm was a bad word choice.

more toilet paper

Once I had to stop at this cheap motel in Montana. No TP in the room. So I called the office and they said "yeah .. come on down and get some". I felt so cool rambling back to my room with the TP in front of all the vacationing

families.

toilet paper...

Now that I am unemployed I do the Mr. Mom thing. I love planning the meals and buying the groceries but, that last thing I ever remember is toilet paper. And not to mention I don't know how I'll get up the nerve to actually buy it.

dangerous vegetables...

They are recalling celery in Texas because of four related deaths... seems we totally put out mind how much celery humans kill. Just sayin'

what drives me...

If it wasn't for all the bare-naked ladies, I would be totally opposed to internet porn. I set the bar high for myself.

custer couldn't cut muster.....

Custer's last stand. This is just interesting. The arrows were just window-dressing. The reason Custer lost was his men had government issue single shot rifles and the Indians all had private sector free market repeating rifles. Custer was not outnumbered or ambushed. Just out- gunned.

never forget...

About the Alamo. It too is fact that none of the Texicans had to die that day. You can get out safely through the gift shop. ( not my joke but a truly great one).

sexism ..

"Strong enough for a man but made for a woman". If you ask me that's sexist. I am aggrieved.

rubbers...

Visually speaking, condoms look like cute little life rafts....... metaphorically..... I got nothin'.

feminine hygiene...

This is good. Went on a conservative page. Someone posted "as long as were insulting douchebags, what about Pelosi and etc.." I replied." Insulting people is one thing but aren't douchebags of value or is that just really really old technology?" Then I ran away.

the harsh facts of life...

Okay Ladies, talk amongst yourselves for a minute. Guys,... it's no wonder we get ED eventually. It the pressure of it all. We're told we are premature if we finish before the woman climaxes yet it is touted as scientific fact that no woman has ever had an orgasm as a consequence of intercourse. Geeez. Okay, you can come back in girls.

good intention...

I am thinking I would like to work with children.. perhaps as a shift supervisor in a diamond mine.

sequence...

I'm the middle child. Which puts me in the middle of that continuum between "love child" and "shit happens".

just the way it is...

This one make me feel sort of guilty. .. pause.. for effect.... My first child Parker is in a thousand photographs .. just him... but Taylor ( the child I love.. just kidding) is in maybe a dozen photos. Always with others or a landmark in the background.

magic hour...

You know that magical point in time when its still dark but the sun is about to come up. Couldn't be more than a second long.. maybe even less. I guess if we let ourselves get all fuckin metaphysical about it, then it is infinitely short. Yet it is the stuff of poetry and novels. Bunch of Bullshit if you ask me.

subway...

I admit, to all my Manhattan area friend, given my tendency to rant and blather all day, I must seem like one of your charming subway car fools.

shout out...

Some of you have noted my recent demeanor and FB prolificness. Let me explain I am presently in a heightened, euphoric state of "not working for those two assholes anymore." Now how's 'bout a great big shout out to S_____Z-H_____N Architects of Ft. Worth.

seasons greetings...

I know this is not topical but I feel I should have said a word about Labor Day.. the day our massas give us off before we go into that three months stretch of blind duty before Thanksgiving when we may or may not get both days .. but can rejoice knowing the holiday season is upon us and soon we may or may not get two days at XMAS.

ask/receive...

Halloween is upon us. When Canadians say "trick or treat" or enigmatically "Hal'ween Apples" . I sure wanted those apples. mmm. The latter phrases is obsolete now. Now they say, to the same little jingle ,"concealed raz'r blades".

LA stuff...

Los Angeles facebookers call putting out posts for a possible reply.. type casting. Bear with me, I've only got a few left for today and yes they are deteriorating.

growth..

I am a man. Really manly man in fact. But I am ashamed of the arrogance of my breathren thinking that they can shoot through that hole without hitting the seat from a standing position. Back when I did at least a little housework I certainly noted that the adjacent cabinet was dissolving from misfires. It changed me .....

metamorphosis...

It's like that Kafka novella, I sense these evil and nasty notions incessantly eating up my brain matter and I seem, each day, to be even more transformed into something intrinsically ugly and selfish. The metamorphosis will be complete soon. This my, friends is the hellish nightmare.... of conservatism.

jive talkin...

It is what it is. It was what it was. It was what it is. It is what it was. ... "what it is sucka ?"

tribute...

I hope, when I'm gone, as I will be someday, that my children will say of me " he was seafaring". Because land-lubber sounds so trivial.

seasonal humor...

This time of year when I see Mr. Box ( you know .. Jack ) all I can think of is how I want to paint that friggin big ugly head of his orange.

condiments...

One time at work, as a joke on one of my younger female friends, I flattened out one of those ketchup packets and put it in my wallet. Then I went up to her, opened my wallet and said "I've been carrying this condiment for years". I miss that job.

my burden...

I am so universally "challenged", it seems like the whole world is against me.

sex thing...

Being so "inscrutable" is great and all, but you'll have a lot more sex if you aren't.

how???

Even if you found your true soulmate on FB... how would you impregnate her?

another FB thing...

I bet, in the end, Mark Zuckerberg just totally blocked that sorry ass bitch who called him an asshole. Blocking is friggin forever baby!!!

delusion...

For the longest time I suffered for the belief that people thought I was insane. Turns out the s is silent. I'm inane. Phew!!!

simple really...

Republicans are reasonable people ... they'll go along with anything that makes "cents".

good social network idea...

I can imagine a social network with better fonts. Listen up.. that was my idea first..NOT MARK ZUCKERBERGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pit talk...

I met Rick Norman, as a fellow musician playing in the pit of musical theatre productions. I play guitar.. Rick the bass. But, I'll tell you, after five weeks that thing begins to stink.

Lindsey again..

Ever since someone told Lindsey Lohan she was a woman of substance, she has being abusing herself.

my idea...

NO DISRESPECT INTENDED. but.. mine was the first recorded use of the phrase "old timer's disease".....mid 80's ( I wish it had been recorded). And I also admit, in my earliest years, I was certain I coined the phrase "greasy kid stuff".

punny...

The only word never successfully used in a pun is, oddly, pun. Punishing news for joke pundits.

joke...

last night I couldn't sleep and I keep thinking of these funny things but then I would start to fall asleep but I would wake myself up to remind myself of my little jokes but then I fell asleep and this all I remember.

cowboy genes

My family geneologist, sister Lisa, ( not catholic) determined that I am related kin to the blood lines of both Roy Rogers AND Dale Evens.. cousins of each. Which means I am genetically identical to their son Roy Jr. I am both Mark Fitzgerald and Roy II too. Amazing stuff genetics. Complicated. I might have made some ...errors in my mapping. Only finished it minutes ago. Made for a really dumb last post of the day.

garbage...

Sometimes I come up with funny little post ideas without any potential for sexual double entendre.. I chunk em.

what' fair...

Is it kosher ( Mark Zuckerberg would know I'm sure ) to repost a really great post that went nowhere?. How many good Cheeze Whiz posts will you ever see anyway?

spelling counts...

I think spelling should count on facebook. And I think we should have to post like you do with passwords .. all you see is those f'in black dots. And you only get three strikes and Mark Z. blocks you forever. That would make it interesting. I think FB should still publish the actual words of the posts .. not just the dots though.

creep...

My guess is that Mark Zuckerberg has a word search app that sends every FB post with his name in it to his home computer and he sits there in his sweat pants and sweat shirt reading about him self in an onanistic revery all day in the dark. Like I would.

fodder...

I just thought of something. Imagine all the jokes one could make built around wieners??

teenie weenie...

Speaking of men and sandwiches. Oh, we were'nt? Well lets do. A certain musical director friend of mine ( not MM) eats "mayo and veinna sausage on white" sandwiches. Could ANYTHING sounds grosser yet possibly be more delicious. When I was a kid I always thought they looked like little boy...... damn keyboard just froze.

there's a name for it...

Marketing principle. If you're trying to pitch something to the ladies, you've really got to name the product well. I bet the guy who came up with "scrotum" got fired.

can't be helped...

My wifes says she is just sick of looking at the back of my head. But I know damn well, after 33 years, shes bored with the other side as well. And profile is not my best angle. Nothing I can do.

hard scrabble...

I am writing a book, right now, exclusively using only words that I have actually constructed playing " Scrabble". Warning .. extensive and redundent use of profanity.

coulda woulda shoulda...

I think my chronic alcohol addiction ( I prefer the term affinity) is the reason I have not come up for a cure to cancer. I get home, crack one, turn on the tube and cancer is suddenly that last thing on my mind. Of course next day I feel like shit.. probably due to one of my cancers.

gym...

I'm here to tell ya.. my gym is a jungle.

zuckie...

I've been on a one man vendetta against Mark Zuckerberg since the day he "f'd" over those two nice "skull and bones, CFR. NWO, rich pricks who thought they could just commission and capitalize on the creativity of other people. Wait, I just confused myself. Maybe Mark is okay... as long as his doesn't steal my thoughts and pics.

mainenance plan...

I wish my parents had thought ahead and gotten the maintenance plan on me.

che...

Che Guevera got every one of his ideas from ME.. INCLUDING THE IDEA FOR THE GRAPHIC TEES.

you've got mail...

One thing about being a particularly prolific and candid FB poster, is you soon enough learn to quell your original "yay!!! I've got a message" enthusiasm until you've read the message..

liver...

If it wasn't for my chronic alcohol addiction ( I prefer the term affinity).... my liver would still have a reasonably good short term memory.

eh...

If you ever want to hear something funny and rag on a Canadian at the same time, try this. Ask one of them ( anyone.. it doesn't matter who ).. ask them to say "schedule" and then, with your smuggest mug, taunt them saying "where'd you learn to say it like that......... shool?" hahahahahahaah

pandemonium...

Only in my mind can I envision a pandemic of pandering pandas. And still I can only see it in black and white.

brisket recipe..

Finally, I've discovered the secret to perfect Texas brisket. Expose it to heat for six hours. Serves six.

wash it down''

I think a fitting "comeuppance" to all the diet soda drinkers would be for them to crash onto a barren desert island in a cargo plane filled top to bottom with diet coke. Not a single calorie on board. All dead in a week .. unless they go all "donner party" or rugby team. Something to wash it all down with at least.

ha ha..

Come on. Really... what is a "laugh riot" and furthermore why would they shoot rubber bullets at one? Well I guess a rubber bullet is funnier, in principle, than a copper one. Boing .. boing

great scientist..

The key gas reducing ingredient of Maalox, simethicone was actually the invention of the great jewish inventor Cy ''methane'' Cohen. True.. you can't make this stuff up.

sour crèam...

All my life I have struggled against the ever increasing bondage of sour cream addiction. It started with that gateway dairy product .. whole milk. Women don't get so addicted on account of the non-fat milk... the white water.

boobs..

I just noticed the the chicken breasts I am fixing to cook are "enhanced up to 15% with a solution". It's my understanding they will similarly enhance a woman's breast but to a considerably larger percentage

more jalepenos..

scatologically: Texans know this to be true: it is not just corn but also jalepenos that can successfully transit the entire human digestive system. You can tell when a Texan is current in his knowledge... he is not on horseback.

girl junk ..

If aliens ever attack us... and they examine a fallen female, I bet they look at her junk and ponder ... "entrance or exit wound"? I will be checking my friend count before and after I hit the share button on this one.

gas...

I am not sure but I think Claritin causes one's normally benign gas to become more fetid.

fine line...

You know there is fine line between "irrelevance" and "irreverence". Might just be on the screen too, so you might want to Windex once or twice a year.

low cost alternative...

I think the whole funeral/burial tradition of Western civilization is excessive, morbid, and unnecessary. It is not legally required even . I am going to start a franchise for these services. Rock bottom, cardboard casket, no embalming, no feigned grief by staff, no services, no limos. Just git' er done. Something I can hire high school dropouts to help with...

insulting..

Does anyone really think describing another as "long in the tooth" is anything but insulting? Why not describe an older man as a little "slack in the ball-sack" or an older woman as ( place your answer here). Coz I'm not going there.

how I killed Myspace...

At some point I will surely say something that will make Mark Zuckerberg exclaim. "this is not at all what I intended".. and he will close the whole thing down. Same way I killed myspace.

recipes..

I am one of those cooks that cannot stay within the lines. If I like garlic, I double the quantity. Two tablespoons wine... fuck it ... they surely meant six .

more about olives...

It's lunch time .. my thoughts turn once again to olives. I guess those olives with pimentos shoved up 'em are not so virgin now.

smarty pants...

I am very, very intelligent. So I joined that group MENSES, but I'll tell you, their monthly meetings are just a bunch of grumpy chicks.

debating

When I engage in serious intellectual debate, I trivialize the issues and throw in so much irrelevance that my opponent invariably throws up his hands and says "fuck it". To folks watching, but out of earshot, it looks like I won.

jalepenos again...

When I can again, I'm going to sit down and write myself a memo about jalepenos and this time magnet it to the front door of the fridge.

moot point..

It's pointless to argue with a deaf moot.

new breed..

All the internet has accomplished is to create this master race of highly informed and erudite hermits and shut-ins with little interest in informing the rest of the world and even less inclination to propagate. Except me, I'm good with that latter.

cheeze whiz...

whatever happened to cheese whiz??? I mean, the stuff was non-biodegradable, I think even indigestible ( who looks back), so all the whiz ever made must still be in existence. I wonder where it is?

in its defense..

When the big one happens, in California, I still think it would, without corroborative proof, be unfair to immediately say it San Andreas fault. There are other fissures.

experiment ...

Hygiene in America is such that we know of nothing else but squeaky clean and fresh. In the period of my unemployment I have established that funk takes three days to develop. You're welcome and you're warned.

Career path...

when I was five years old, I successfully took apart and reassembled a click button ball point pen. And I said to myself "this is what I will do for a career". Childish dreams

!!!!!

you're the reason I am this way.

Coming clean...

okay, I admit it.. I have hurt a flea. He was bugging Timmy and I killed him.

Governor BW..

Bill White: The other thing too, about when demo-gub-candidate Bill called me at home, was his damn pitch was three minutes long, and I kept saying " Bill do the math, at this rate you'll only reach a thousand or so folks before election days". But he just went on and on pretending not to even hear me. He's kind rude and, if were talking hair only, Rick Perry is the clear winner...

Sorry...

If anything I say ever offends you, shake it off, and show me the offer the cheek, and I'll make even more fun of that one.

It get better...

Coming from the lesser known nation of Asperg, I am sure I can find humor in all the It's Gets Better stuff. But I did assess my FB friends and all my male friends ( even you two who would protest) are gay. So I am sitting this out. Okay.. just one.. *I bet all those Spartans kicked some straight bully ass.*

Jack in the box...

Speaking of Jack ( Mr. Box to you ). I am endorsing him for the diplomatic corp. I was just in his establisment and when some Canadians came in, he greeted them before they got in and the first thing he said to them was " please, you're money's no good here". Nice guy. Gruesome head though.

Penthouse pet ..cemetary...

Today marks the end of the life of Penthouse's Bob Guccionne. He made, with gauzy photographic techniques, the genitalia of women far less threatening to young impressionable boys like I was, at the time. Not so of Larry Flint. He used photoshop techniques to render them so threatening that almost a generation of young males were fearful of it.

Were we really listening????

What do you think Ted Bundy was really trying to say to us???

Rope a dope....

If you're ever in a fight with your significant other, and he/she says " well you made me this way".. step back admire your creation and go watch tv. You're getting nowhere with he/her today.

Might have worked for him...

My dad once told me, that lying in bed trying to fall asleep is when a man recalls all those sexual deals he almost " closed". Maybe for him ..he dated. I got nuttin.. I just stare and stare at the ceiling.

Geometry lesson...

As a whole, the circle is far more viable than the line.

Labor Daze..

I know this is not topical but I feel I should have said a word about Labor Day.. the day our massas give us off before we go into that three months stretch of blind duty before Thanksgiving when we may or may not get both days .. but can rejoice knowing the holiday season is upon us and soon we may or may not get two days at XMAS.

Can't see it myself..

In the matter of making sexual choices. Wake up people ,if it was a "choice" no woman in the world would go with a man. Look at us. We're gross. Some may disagree but I am firm in this. I guess firm was a bad word choice.

bootie..booty????

Further to my last post. I have always wondered what exactly the "booty" referred to. Is it the whole region above the knees/below the waist or does it refer specifically to either of those two places? Watching House of Payne out in the garage yesterday, one character said " man, that's nasty.. tastes like booty". Maybe there's a clue there. The black folks know.

plea for help...

dot dot dot dash dash dash dot dot dot

warning...

I couldn't sleep again last night. You might want to set me to "hide".

exculpatory statement...

I want to assure potential recipients of my posts, none of my friends are under the age of 18..... not since the restraining order.

soap box

Those of you who are believers in God, be assured I believe in Him as well. This is not my pulpit. It is just a venue to make jokes. When I get to one thousand, I will cull the bad ones and repost the good one. thx

grease monkette....

I managed to keep a conservative FB friend for almost a week. It was a struggle.. but in the end, she had to go. Shame sort of.. she worked cars too

debate strategy

When I engage in serious intellectual debate, I trivialize the issues and throw in so much irrelevance tha t my opponent invariably throws up his hands and says "fuck it". To folks watching, but out or earshot, it looks like I won and that's all I was going for anyway.

tourist trap...

They say Ontario is nice in November. But then they'll say anything to get our Yankee tourist dollars.

go-dog-go....

If there weren't already too many cute doggie "youtube" vids.... but Timmy "no testicles" Fitzgerald ( family Maltese ) still thinks he's got his "mojo". So he regularly drags his bunny out in the living room with this "I don't give a s-hit" look,"b-tch slaps it around for a minute and then does it. I'm not saying I'm proud...

First the National Anthem...

So, once again we play our national pastime.. the haves against the havenots. woo hoo

Cut me some slack..

This is the first day of the rest of my life.. so don't "f" it up for me. Okay? Can't a guy have one day?

poor deal...

‎72 virgins. And furthermore, say you take one with every meal. I could. But this is not about me. But 3/day.. you're done in less than a month.. and then its eternity. Silly Islamist suicide guy.

even poorer deal...

‎72 virgins. Now let's think about this. Silly Islamist suicide guys. If you get 72 virgins in your next life it has to be with girls that couldn't "give it away" in their first life.

bad sign...

You know your relationship is over when your partner washes your clothes as a totally separate load.

uncommon valor...

Sometimes, when I'm out, I'll notice a woman looking at me, and I get kind of flattered and saddle over to her.. but it's always the same.. they just want me to help them cross the street.

caper...

Most people are unaware of how delicious capers are. I hope the rich don't find out and drive the prices up so regular folks can't have 'em; like they do everything else worth having. Great with chicken. Recipe available.

thanks Linda...

I asked a FB friend of mine to read the draft of my novel. I think, on reflection, that asking for the most heinous sexual favors or for help moving would have been less of an imposition.

rebirth...

I have been sharing a body with this pleasant middle aged man who ran it into the ditch. Well, I'm back in charge. hahahah.. maniacal laugh..hahah

Myspace bonus...

The one thing that was really great about Myspace is how everyone got one complementary friend, Tom. With him I actually got up to four friends.

just like before...

It is weird when you go to some stranger's profile and they are so "hip" or something that you simply cannot relate to anything on their page. It's even worse if they are really good looking too.

not good breeding stock...

Even if interspecies dating was okay, I still imagine I would be shut out by all the cooler species.

a dog's life

Judging by my own metamorphosis, I think humans start out as terriers and end up as hounds.

baseballs...

I went to a Ranger's game.... don't know why but I wasn't totally drunk by the bottom of the second. Pretty interesting sport if you can focus on it. Eventually I lost interest.

oh what a night...

I remember the first time I got to second base, but really it is only because the driver's side door came completely off my car the next time I tried to open it, moments later. Can't say for sure what was the most memorable part of that evening. Probably the door.

at least I know now...

Facebook for me has been an amazing social experiment. I had always attributed my lack of success with women to my height and manly nose.. uhuh.. it's my personality.

didn't buy the yearbook...

The down side of the whole hippie thing really was the long hair. My shoulder length, parted in the middle blonde hair , merely consolidated my reign as the ugliest girl in school

translation software..

I am going to invent and market (get friggin rich doing so) a software app for FB that automatically substitutes ambiguous or neutral terms for key words in posts. For Asperbers guys like me. If I say, "you are the love of my life", it translates to "that's a very fetching blouse your wearing in your profile pic"....

too much...

I won't kiss a tall girl. All that tippy-toe stuff is humiliating. And as you wobble back and forth it seems to them you are swooning when you're really just trying to maintain your balance. Just not worth it.

!!!!

I swear, is it just me or did the last ten minutes seem to take FOREVER?

research...

For something to do today I am going to attach .org to as many dirty words as I can think of and search for official, government porn sites.

read the signs...

I think you know your marriage is over when your partner stops sorting your socks.

my bad bloodlines..

Cherokee/Irish/white trash.... I never had a chance against the brewed ones.

can't help myself...

I just found out that I am 1/16 Cherokee Indian. Finally, a reason for my colored bead fetish... and whole fire-water thing

I was mistaken...

One of my early childhood beliefs about the movie industry is that they just used old people when filming death scenes. I'm glad, now that I am older, that they no longer do that.

Jack's crack...

I know why plumber's have plumber's butt. It's because they can and because it really feels kind of liberating.

Really dirty..

Beside being the mother of all garnishes, I bet there are lots of other uses for mayonnaise. I can think of one right now. No.. that one still would count as a garnish I think. Wink wink.

you should talk...

We all make mistakes. I have too, but not the mind-numbing "what the fuck was he thinking" kind like ya'll do..

I can fix that..

The most attractive women on tv are those long suffering girls in the prescription medicine adds. Poor things. Especially the one melancholy middle age brunette in that anti-depressant ad. I'd give her something to be sorry about.

Once you know..

I know why theatre people hug and don't shake hands. It's probably coz we can guess where our hands were last.

Brit Girls!!!!

If you aren't sporting a codpiece and a white powdered wig, they won't give you the time of day.

hangover....

Saturday mornings..... you discover all the new FB friends you dragged home with you the night before.

I'll do it...

I'm no stranger to sacrifice.. goats, children, virgins.. all the same to me. It just a job.

probably something I did...

I guess I was sort of hurt when I realized both my kids had Child Protective Services on speed dial on their cellphones.

have you seen me????

I've lost my penis. I don'''t know if I misplaced it or if it was stolen. I've check all the porno sites and there is definately no sign of it there.

movie reference...

Ever since that Social Network movie, I keep seeing references to "Al Gore Rythyms".. is he suddenly into music.. what a Renaissance guy

help..

I'm eating far too much beef... why doesn't someone intervene?

get a haircut while your at it...

Kenny G is a registered sax offender.

useless little shit.....

I locked myself out when I went to the gym. As I approached the house my Maltese Timmy barked incessantly from atop the bed in my sons room. As I came in, burglar style through the rear window of the living room, out of his view the whole time, he continued to bark but did not leave his post on the bed. Fierce and loyal breed.

stupid boss trick...

Once, to a client, as a joke, I confessed that I was, in fact, a "mono-tasker". The next day my dick-boss told me the word was spreading about it and berated me for revealing such info to a client. God help us.

overrated...

Having exceptional disorganizational skills has not been the boon to my career you might have expected.

just ask any guy...

In general, I like a woman with convictions... they're usually up for anything.

FB advice for the boys...

Just saying guys... you'll get nowhere with the girls with two last names.

be careful what you wish for...

Actually, I'm glad I don't have a blow-hole, I'd just come up with some way to abuse it if I did......

same old scenario .. every time..

I had horrible nightmares last night. Worst ever... and yes I was also just in my underwear in the dream... to make matters even worse.

not on me you won't...

I'm not opposed to random body cavity searches.. I don't have random body cavities.. haven't even heard of such a thing.

everything goes to shit...

you know the honeymoon is over when she who was rapture is suddenly more raptor.

really painful

I was "blocked" by my imaginary friend as a child. Still hurts.

she'll love it...

If I ever make love to a British woman, at the end, I'm going all Paul Revere with... "the British are coming the British are coming." I think will be real charming.

temptation...

I have never had sex with another species, although some have really come on

to me.

no mas....

I am sorry, but I am not amused when I get carded trying to buy beer at Kroger. They ask, are you 21?. I say no.. but my son is, let me get him. For f-sake, no one over thirty looks remotely underage. Stop it.

I don't care.. anymore..

I don't mind that my nose is largissh... it fills the space between my eyes that I think might be a smidge too wide.

can also be "hummed".....

A popular song in West Virginia.. "I'm forever blowing Bubba...."

My story...

All my life I have been brilliant, charming and handsome; but it all became too much to keep up with so I let the last one slide.

refrigerator blindess...

Why can't a man identify the contents of a refrigerator? I look and look and rage and rage and accuse my wife of throwing out my whatever and then I see it. ( friend told me the name of this disorder).

you try it if you thinks its so fuckin' easy..

can you even imagine the pressure .. being village idiot. Everyday you have to deliver .....

silly spelling thing...

I find it amusing that we have started to put an e on the end of sh-t, without intending any change in meaning, and, voila, it's okay to say. Can we just go ahead and put and e on the end of the f word and be done with it?

what a jip!!!

I had some of those x-ray specs as a kid. They work just fine but, bones is not what I was after.

basically I'm not dangerous..

People who know me (and have never pissed me off ) will tell you..I'm as kind and gentle as a lamb.

immigration...

I think I will move to a country where I would still be considered attractive.. perhaps England......

history lesson....

The fall of the Ottoman empire was really attendant upon the rise in popularity of the coffee table.

say no more...

What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. And nobody is married on Facebook.

lost in space...

I wish I hadn't spent so much of my life just staring up at the ceiling... seemed like a good idea then... now... seems like a waste

FB math...

How does someone have 1000+ FB friends. If a 1000+ people even knew I existed at least a dozen would want me dead. That's just playing the odds. I'll stick with 54 friends..... that brings it down to only one that wants me dead. But MM would never have the guts to do it.................

what took her so long...

I was just accepted as a friend by a person I requested three weeks ago. Man, background checks take forever now.

interesting sex thing...

This is weird news. But it has been determined that the average duration a fit male can sustain the "nasty" is 1.6 minutes. A fat guy on, average, can go over 7 minutes. I am outside that range.. wish I could say which side..............

dang...

The whole time I was a Country Music singing legend, I never took off my hat. Then on day the dang thing hung up on the roof of my Porsche. I ain't had a note in me since. Dang.

fart joke...

there are just too many flattulence references on FB... I had to let that out.. couldn't hold it in any longer. Sorry.

man for the job...

If you want the job done, ask a short man! Unless its some sort of sex thing.. then ask a big guy.

how I see it big guy..

I do not suffer from "short-mans" disease.. I merely abide those with "tall mans" disease.

linguism.....

Come to think of it.. how odd is it that, to children, we refer euphemistically to the male genitalia with the same word as one of the primary foods we feed them. We don't say to boys "would you like another_______?" ( place answer in

space provided).

sorry girls...

SPOILER ALERT. I don't think women would all be so up on this vampire stuff if the entertainment industry didn't control the main stream media and they could reveal the real dirt on post mortem weenies. Much more dramatic effect than cold water even.

don't go to sleep friend...

If I am going to spend you much time on FB I will need some Asian friends for the off-hours.

tool talk...

Don't get me wrong I love piercings. You go girls. Use the whole canvass BUT.. take them out if you are going to be using power tools.

insulting...

You would think that being the lowest common denominator can really do a number on a number. Humiliating at best

doesn't matter to me...

Sometimes I feel like a little Dutch boy with his finger in a dike... but most of the time I don't care about the nationality so much.

I feel stupid people...

I'm an empath. Nothing I post is of me, I merely channel crap I hear from inside of y'all.

genetics...

I've had these same genes since I was a kid.. how is it possible I still don't look good in them.

lost opportunity...

I asked my doctor and he said my heart wasn't healthy enough for a threesome. Woulda and shoulda when I coulda.

‎what did I expect...

my three year old chinese made toaster died.. probably something I did it .. like forcing bread into those slots.

he he he...

Whenever someone starts a statement with "on the whole...".. I always snicker.

my best line of all...

don't EVER let the rich know that the best things in life are free.. they will be beside themselves until they can figure away to get exclusive access to them.

I'd do this...

This would be fun. I'd do it in a heartbeat. I'd like to train two really incompatible species of dog to fornicate on command and then take them to public places, give the command and then pretend to be totally oblivious of their actions no matter how embarrassed the crowd is. You know, I think

people always find that thing amusing and can't look away. The car accident phenomena.

musical mystery...

it's crazy.. you can't tuna fish yet you can tune a bass.

my mom...

There's a fine line between irrelevant and irreverent. I have no idea where it is or care for that matter. It could be worse, my dear mother thought they were the same word.

stupid scientists..

I just love how scientists discover some high degree of "order" in the universe and immediately declare it is proof that everything is derivative of initial "disorder". Idiots.

phrenology...

Relative to the human body itself, topologically, I wonder which side of the brain is the foci for conservative thoughts and values... probably the asshole side.

pointless I guess...

Regardless of what I now know to be true about the Kennedy Assassination, if I could go back in time to 1963, there would be little I could do ... I mean, man, what can a 10 year old kid do????

tune in...

".. and you want it to be really moist before you make any attempt to insert... oh, for those of you just joining us on Car Talk, we are talking about how to replace the inner seals on a brake master cylinder."

Dick Cheney joke...

funny.. all these years and all those billions for research given to Halliburton... and there still ain't no cure for the summertime blues.

doggy do...

what is it, about "when hell freezes over" , that a dog cannot understand.

doggy do-do..

my dog Timmy only understands two words.. "go away".

doggy do-do-do...

I guess I wish I had a better relationship with my dog now that I have been unemployed and we have been stuck with each other all day for a year already.

ooppss..

"don't go changing .. to try to please me". Billy wrote this for me.. but it angered me at the time because I hadn't come out... oooopss.. can I get a "do-over " on aisle ten. STAT. ( I'm not gay.... ).

what a racket...

I think having actually been in Vietnam may have been more relaxing than sharing a house with a teenager with an X-Box.

street names...

The stuff you learn on FB. Like this that I learned from my beloved Brit friends. No less that 95% of streets in London end in the suffix "chester". LIke "Wellingtonchester" or " Gloucesterchester". Too many to even list really. And then some add " shire" Like "Wellingtonchestershire" or "Gloucesterchestershire". And the really neat thing is how the Brits say theses words in less than two distinct syllables.

growth...

Everyday I live, I come to value people even more... for sex.

damn...

this is shocking. You how there are hundreds of each of us on FB. Turns out I've been signing into the wrong Mark Fitzgerald for months.

prudent...

during the likely period of the assessment of my job application by the Army Corps of Engineers, I will be refraining from all use of the word penis and the phrase "kill all the right wing motherfuckers".

by whom I mean my wife...

People who don't drink are always concerned about people they are associated with who do. But never acutally notice that the drinker has quit until the drinker brings it up. In some cases.

almost done...

I'm in the fifth day of my sobriety. If I understand the process, only 7 more and that will make the twelve and I can get right back too it. YAY!!!!!

but not for me...

My FIRST instinct was to go for the breast.. but in my case, I was wrong. I was denied.

bird joke...

I can't see the point of polygraphs. Everyone knows that parrots are liars.

cause for concern...

My fingerprints went into the national data base today. I'm worried. I can't really accounts for the whereabouts of each of my fingers for 24/7 of the last 57 years.

snazzy...

when I cook, like to do the cool thing where you measure in the palm of your hand: particularly if people are watching.....

Clarification...

If someone sends you one of those "hearts" on FB can you assume you have a date for the prom?

on the brighter side...

I guess since the world will come to an end in a little less than 24 months, I won't complain about these unnaturally warm winters.

you'd think I knew...

I wish I knew cuts of meat better. Whether it's beef or pork, I don't know if I'm a breast man or an ass man.

what more proof does a girl need...

I think I would make a great catch for a woman; 100% of my marriages have lasted well into the second year.

true...

brussel sprouts have no natural predators

just saying...

In this period of transition I am drinking non-alcoholic beer .WHICH IS A LEAST TWICE AS EXPENSIVE AS THE CHEAP SWILL I USE TO DRINK. Sorry for yelling.. you appeared to be farther away.

equity...

collectively, we will never shatter the"glass ceiling" until we have true genital joke parity.... we need more "kitty" jokes. In the interest of fairness.

living dangerously...

If it turns out that the "seven servings of vegetables " deal is not a actually a hoax... I am so dead.

fact...

I know my posts should be less about me and more about you, but you're just not interesting.

corporate lying fucks...

My dear mother put her faith in "lite" cigarettes. I hope my faith in "no cholersterol" mayonnaise serves me better.

I don't care either way...

I REALLY wouldn't care if my kids were gay as long as their partners are REALLY hot.

Oh no

not in springtime,

summmer winter or fall,

If ever I should leave you

don't call.

black and white...

I have a republican friend who thinks I am absolutely insane.. and every time she says this, I have go over it all again how there really are no absolutes. Silly onservative goose with her "black and white" world view.

good trick...

Lately, I been introducing myself to women as a former "Dancing with the Stars" finalist. Generally, you can "tap it "before they discover you really can't tap, or samba or even two-step. I got that Palin chick without even this much effort.

rude...

the way I just throw food at my mouth when I eat disgusts me.. gits er done though.

looking for love...

I guess, if I'm gonna be on FB all day, I should friend some welfare mothers.

I turn it off...

I have one of those little cameras you mount on your PC.. but I just find myself to be quite hideous bathed only in the light of my own image on the monitor.

sure, I'm vain...

If I had skype, if I used skype and if skype permitted it, I think I would just keep my own image up all the time anyway; whenever I was skyping. You just don't interest me so much.

how it happened...

haiku drew the short straw when the formats were assigned.

loss for all mankind...

everytime I quit drinking my mind sharpens immensely. Last time, I came up with a cure for cancer within a matter of hours.. but fell of the wagon, before days end, and completely forgot it.

If I find the guy...

who the "f" gave the hip-hoppers a poetic license????

asshole...

Juz cos yew got spel-chek :duzent make yew smartur then me???????

take the "H"...

Revisiting an old issue.. roid rage. Sure they hurt but its not like it's anybody else fault. Chill.

Timmy...

would the English spelling of my dog's name be Thammy?

I concede....

come to think of it, you are right Sonya, Liberace hasn't put out a new CD in years.

after my time..

Someday people will say of me "had he lived longer and been richer he would have been one of the worlds greatest benefactors".

I can be humble...

I know it's not ALL about me... some of it's about my achievements and thoughts. I get it.

dyslexic perhaps...

one of my FB friends said my sense of humor was "off beat" .. I think she has those two words reversed. At least that would be more what I was going for.

damn dog...

Timmy, the family dog, jumped onto my chair and started eating off my plate.. all I could think of was "you self-serving son of a bitch". Of course I didn't actually say it. That would have been rude.

just the way it is...

Human beings would be perfect if they just didn't poop.. I have the same problem with dogs and cats.

New Year's blessing..

shut up and eat your goddam black eyed peas.... you need the luck!!!

help me out...

this year I'm gonna invent something incredible the world has never even imagined.. any ideas?

they let me down...

I so wish my parents had been multi-taskers..... I would have had so much better and privileged a childhood.

not what you might be thinking...

wish I had a razor sharp 20 oz. stainless steel/cadmium alloy cleaver....... no reason.. lets just say I have a project in mind that would be well served..

just my luck not to be...

If I had been born gay, I'd probably been really good at SOMETHING.

blast from the past...

So I'm a the video store.. can't remember how the topic came up.. cashier guy says to me "hey you don't look like you need to work out".. I was flattered. Then he said "you sure have a pretty mouth." Yikes

breaking up is hard to do...

I just don't care how long we've been together, connecting up is so difficult, being frozen out, commands ignore and put off.... lots of memories, and secrets tucked away under layers and layers, many voyages to places good and bad.. and tee hee ... places very naughty... its over.. too much baggage to take into the new year.. I'm getting a new computer. I hate this unresponsive bitch.

this would be an improvement...

I hope, in this era of FB, that we suspend the custom of women taking the surnames of husbands. Makes stalking childhood sweethearts to hard. Unless they were originally a Smith ... don't even bother, those girls are gone man.

better get with it...

I'm thinking that maybe I am squandering my unemployment by not experimenting with different patterns of facial hair.

wake up call...

you're only confident that you are finally losing weight until you go to put on your freshly washed and dried jeans......

getting a part of it all...

The only thing that keeps me going and going.... is probably an enlarged prostate.

that horrible dream..

Is it just me or does anyone else dream, at least twice a week, that they still haven't completed their graduate thesis. Never ends for me. Twenty seven years later and I still don't feel free... in my subconscious. And yes, I'm only in my underwear in the dream.

don't we all..

There's a part of me that wishes the other parts had made more of themselves.

something I do every day...

it's a good idea to check youf FB friend list each morning . so if one trys to sneak away you can catch them before they reach the fence.

wasn't meant to be I guess...

had I not been born with a silver spoon in my mouth, I might have been breast-feed and have turned out decent.

importance of being earnest....

my first real girlfriend left me for one of those "alfred" males.. you'll never hear me say " what's in a name".

I'll let you know...

this year I'm gonna snoop around and find out just the hell what those folks really do on "boxing" day.

I can be crabby...

I hate trying things on after I open the gift. So Karen sets these new athletic socks on the table.. moments later she says "try em on". I immediately start complaining but relented. I separate the socks and start putting them on, grumbling. She says .. "the new running shoes idiot". Got me, there, I guess.

We all agree hear I think...

As far as I and Noah Webster are concerned, "scat" singing is the sh-ts.

creepy thought...

I had this thought last night.. disturbing too. I don't sleep well. Sleep apnea. But I wonder if a medical doctor could bring himself to do his own prostate exam. Oddly, were I a doctor, I'd still rather some other guy did it to me. This troubles me.. troubles me that I even thought of this.

I'm wasting my time...

One of my FB friends opined that my posts are juvenile and tedious. This disappoints me. I'd have thought my message would have reached more than just one of you.

hmmm.. I would have thought otherwise...

I am now reading Tolstoy's "War and Peace". Thought it would be a really hard read but actually almost all of the words are exactly the same as our English words. Same with "Crime and Punishment".

a certain cure...

I think misbehaving lesbians should have to do time in a penile colony. That'll learn em.

without it, it would be nothing too...

Finished "Pride and Prejudice". Great. Sure didn't see that robot-killer thing coming.

tis the season...

well I went out and rented my wife's xmas gifts today.

all a father can hope...

I respect, absolutely, my childrens privacy behind the closed doors of their bedrooms. I just pray that they are not advancing conservative agendas behind my back.

I can get dirty...

I used to only go in the shallow end of FB but now, thanks to the rigorous training of my FB friend ( with the alliterative initials ) I feel bold enough to go into the deep end. Oh not you MM.

don't be so smug...

you may have opened it.. but I loosened it..

my cause...

One of my FB friends suggested I might be "borderline". That is why I founded "Psychotics without Borders". Contribute what you can. Thanks and God bless.

it makes sense...

Finally I understand why my wife and I are garnered with such love and respect from our children. So far we have never let them down

why we live so long...

A Texas thing. But I will always be amazed how Texans would save bacon grease to cook with (my mom did) such that, in the end, we ingest every last bit of a slab of bacon including ALL that creepy white fat.

abs of steel...

I'm exercising like a sonofabitch .. getting smaller but not losing weight . I suspect I am just promoting the health of some tumor.

leave no clues...

I have made many mistakes in my life.. fortunately none have been connected with me.

I concede...

I am aware that penis jokes are probably passe and juvenile, but as we all know the lesser mind in a relationship tends to prevail.

thinking ahead...

when I was arrested and tried.... I rejected the plea bargain and held out for a greater conviction to avoid any chance of conjugal visits

I know I "wood:...

I wonder, if you were one of the handsome male actors in the erectile dysfunction ads, if you would become totally compulsive after, and immediately upon meeting someone assure then that it still worked. I would.

I might keep trying...

just asking but.. how many pics of oneself do you typically have to take to get a good profile pic... is 700 a lot?

advancement...

you sure don't hear about "roid-rage" anymore.. must be much better ointments out there now

go away Tom...

this is a bummer.. that Tom guy from myspace just tried to FB friend me. Loser!!

there, it's out...

I think I feel safe in sharing that I have always felt like a man trapped in the

body of a small inconsequential man.

could spot it a mile away...

as I left the gym today, two middle aged guys were leaving as well. One guy beautifully groomed and dressed. The other, same age, with tattered hemmed khakis and cheap shoes. Architects. The boss and the guy who actually does the work. Lol

what up with this....

it is a pleasing milestone, when you are trying to lose weight, when your underwear gets looser.. but I am worried that all the slack is up front.

obviously a lot more...

how much beer do you actually have to drink to get six pack abs??

Afternoon of the Dead

As a race, I think zombies would fare better if they dressed better. But I think the slow pace is really effective because their prey wait for them, get distracted, or start daydreaming and next thing you know.. ouch.

come on kids!!!!

am I really the only one in this house who knows how to jiggle the handle?

economic fact...

give a rich guy a $100,000 tax break... maybe he'll buy a Porsche. One car built with 1000 man hours of labor. Give that same break to regular folks. Ten cars, built with 10,000 man hours, will be purchased.

variation on another one...

Now that I'm home alone so much, I almost wish my dog liked me more. We're not close.

I should think slower...

I was in Barnes and Noble. There is a magazine for every segment of the population. I just saw "Boner Petite"... no wait.. my bad... " bon appetite".

maybe the day after, okay...

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I don't want to rush into it so I'll probably make it a mental health day. Just chill..

you've been warned...

Unless I receive $1 from each of you, I am going to go public about the whole Santa Claus fraud.

other people are...

I wish I was saavy at more things.. could come in handy.

mapquester...

I'm street saavy.. but roads still mess me up. And avenues??? fuggeddaboutit.

now we know for sure...

Well, those Charmin commercials have dispelled an old Texas myth.. apparantly the bear does not sh-t in the woods.

fact of life...

It is odd, later in your career, that you end up working for people you actually would not hire as employees in your own firm.

Leave her alone you bastard...

I am sick to death of opening the family email account to uncover yet more attempts to seduce my wife. Bastards know just what to say to a woman.. "50% off" .. "buy one get a second for free".... I'm gonna kill someone.

big deal...

I, for one, am just not over-alarmed that my mattress is over eight years old.

you know this is true...

Guys, if the girl you're hitting on on FB has posted pics of her dog.... forget it.. she's in love already.

good cause...

I have always been a champion of the little guy, yet they don't look up to me.. probably because I'm little.

frauds...

What I really hate is "so call happily married people" who think they have a clue what it is like to be married!!!!

censored...

Contractually, I am strictly prohibited from any reference to or about human reproduction. Straight ahead sex... no problem. Let's talk.

xray vision...

There's downside to having super powers.. I'm only 57 and I could care less if I ever see a naked woman again.

new duds perhaps...

when you start losing weight and put on your relaxed fit levis.. it look like you forgot to put on your pamper beneath

wages of sin..

I guess if there was money in anarchy, everybody would be one. So far I haven't seen a nickel.

hopeless

when we have money my wife goes shopping.. when we're broke she doesn't .. I just can't win.

Not my fault...

If some of my posts are off-color it is because I time-share this page with this a-hole from California. It's all sex with him.

protocol...

The only ways cyber sex could work is if you restrict it to partners in your own time zone.. otherwise surely, it's too early she's still got things to do or she too tired now.

really!!!

How is a thong underwear... just asking.

get back to it Mark...

I really wish Mark Zuckerberg would stop counting his money for a minute and come up with an app for FB make-up sex.

sartorial excess...

I really don't care how Islam men make their women dress ( I do of course but work with me here) as long as all the other woman in the world were forced to wear knee length pleated plaid skirts and starched white blouses and sensible shoes.

off to a good start...

I am always up front with my new female FB friends. I tell them I don't play games... no Mafia Wars and I won't live in Farmville.

a credit to my upbringing...

I've been told that my table manners are acceptable.

rules of the game pal...

Tiger.. marriage or golf .. you get one mulligan per each. ONE.

let me know if I do..

Me think me might use I and me incorrectly in posts.

whatever..

I just wish I was the kind of guy that a young heiress would be interested in. I know.. don't end a sentence with a preposition.

Collateral damage...

All test tube babies grow up to need glasses.

Why not???

Bristol Palin beats Brandy on Dancing with the Stars. Why shouldn't an utterly inexperienced person prevail over a professional.. why shouldn't her dumbass mother rule the country as well? It easy.. let the American people vote on it.. collective intelligence of a herd of cats.

New time zones... please.

I don't know why we waste time zones on the oceanic zones. There's no one there. As it is, it puts Europe way out of whack with my FB needs.

sex thing...

If I'd been born a girl, I think things would have been a lot different. I'd still be a sissy.. but other stuff. I definately would have used more product.

clarification...

I hope I never leave the wrong impression, I've been happily married for 15 years; almost 45% of the total time.

good for them...

When I don't hear from a FB friend I think " did they make it out .. did they get over the fence?" run baby run!

BRB...

If anybody needs anything right now, you're SOL... I feel the need to nap. Must rest up for a full night of FB. I'm going into new times zones tonight. I hope to tap into some call center in Banglidesh.

I got what I deserved...

I guess I was trying to be funny, can't really recall why but, once when Parker was about eleven I called him over all serious-like and said "Parker, I don't know how to tell you this, but I've been seeing another boy". If I recall, he kicked me in the nuts. It brought us closer though.

I will defend this opinion..

If you ask me the UFC stands for Ultimate "fight-like-a-girl" championship.

geeeezzz - louise!!!

My horoscope says I will be given more responsibilities by a female authority figure today.. like that doesn't happen everyday.

Quack...

My epistomologist has no idea why I am this way. Might try out another one.

You'd think I'd learn...

I really should behave on FB.. I'm just too old for all the cyber make-up sex, I necessitate.

Not the way I want it...

I am against sane sex relationships... I want it wacky!!!

perks...

I'm unemployed.... I hate being sick on my own time.

elixir...

I'm sick.... so I'm drinking something that looks like ginger ale. Like I do everyday anyway.

Not proud either...

I can admit, finally, that from 1972 until about a year ago, I blow-dried my hair; imparting an unnatural volume to my doo.

urban legend...

Disneyland, I discovered has many legends of maiming on rides, usually decapitation. When we went to Disneyworld, I relentlessly told Parker of the decapitations on the rides we rode. Finally, as we entered a Starbucks.. I said, " Parker..... decaffination". He got it.. and it's not even funny.

This works for Sting...

Guys, if really want to get it the way you always wanted it..try that tantrum sex.

Crap, what kind of holiday is this...

Well, it's Remembrance Day.. so my wife is home all day to remind of stuff..

Good riddance...

Every RUBIKS CUBE is eventually bludgeoned to pieces by someone once close to it. It's never investigated. No one gives a shit.

dark of the sun..

generally, I not afraid of my shadow although it does give me the creeps when it is right behind me. I know it mocks me.

we were warned...

It happened. Just like the Midas or Brake-O or Just Brakes prophecy. Last night, in my slumbers, I had a "brake system nightmare".

matter of faith...

Without a doubt, if I didn't believe in God and the teachings of Christ or Mohammed, I would be totally self-interested and I would pound your selfish ass into the ground.

too rough...

usually, when I take the virginity of a resealable plastic package, I manage to defile it totally.. metaphorically.

reasonable cause...

the only times I really want to kill my wife, is when I hear the "click-click-click" of a table knife as she stirs her frying egg whites in our new, "non-stick" skillet.

political truth...

I wish the the Republicans would secede. Within year, the bottom 98% of their ilk would be rioting in favor of government action to protect themselves from the top 2%

too scrotal for my taste...

even if it were safe to each chicken raw.. I wouldn 't.. especially the skin.

tougher today...

I don't have a criminal record.. mainly coz in my day it was cassettes and those suckers didn't last. Pity today criminals.

just solid advice...

always carry extra buttons. Usually other people carry a needle .. if not both thread and a needle.

my opinion...

THE AMERICAN POLITICAL SYSTEM: One party comprised of socialized/civilized people who embrace living as social beings (50%) and another party

consisting of 40% fools embracing the rhetoric of selfish pricks (10%) who really want no governance at all except they want the constabulatory power of government to protect them as they pillage the society.. because this "is a free country".

don't be fooled...

you are wrong if you think being your own worst enemy doesn't make you even more paranoid...

People Unite...

we might say the capitalism is like life... it appears it is the best system we have but it too destroys the organisim and ends in death. Let's cheat death and capitalism. Get on board. Drop all that ransacked booty for now and join the fight for something better.

$$$$$$

every dollar a "capitalist" accrues is a dollar that was 99% the consequence of another's efforts. Or some statistic like that. The anti-thesis of capitalism is not welfare it is equity.

fraud...

my therapist, Sigmoid Roid, is such an asshole!!!

Think about this...

We forget I think .... even if we demure to the notion that some will be richer than others in our own little capitalist collectives, can our consciences allow that some men have more wealth than probably the bottom 70% of all humans on the planet. Does the argument in favor of capitalism never crumble for its adherents?

Sad...

Here is the tragedy. The rich have pillaged our economy and will not help to salvage it. But even if the middle class redoubles it's efforts to expand the economy beyond the level that only fulfills the greed of the currently wealthy, a new rich will emerge and keep it for themselves. The rules must change.

bow not so wow...

not all dogs are cute wearing sunglassses.. just saying

About the author...

I realized one, day that Facebook had no interest to me beyond the links that my leftist friends provided. For whatever reason, I just started posting stream of conscious stuff. I met with all kinds of reactions. Some friends thought I had gone crazy. The "friends" that actually had never met me liked the comments and one asked permission to repost. Another said they were too funny to just throw out there. So I got greedy and here they are for purchase at something like 800/$1.

stupid play on words...

I was with my friend at the strip mall. It was hot as we passed Baskin-Robbins. He asked.." Ice cream?" I said "sure Burt... " needless to say he didn't come back with ice cream. He should listen.

Be warned it could happen. Sweet dreams assholes...

I would really love it if someone would publish the names and addresses of the 400 americans who possess half the nation's wealth. Betcha their slumbers will be compromised. Betcha there are few folks in the cheap seats who will consider ........just a thought.

Haven't we all though...

I admit... I have often sent pics of a wiener over the internet. Not my wiener, of course... what would be the point of that??

Only on my terms...

I would be a vegetarian if I thought I could survive a diet where everything would have to be slathered in cheese sauce.

Another rant..

how fuckin' weird is it that the voluntary gamblers in the ultimately collapsed housing market are protected and exonerated. These pricks speculated and lost and we demand that the individual homeowner bear the burden of their stupidity and avarice.

droopy drawers...

I refuse to pull up my pants... I'm making a statement!!!

droopy drawers again..

I was going into a convenience store when I noticed this black guy with his hand tucked up under the waist of his hoodie. I was scared shitless for the clerk and for me. Weeks later, I realized he was just holding up his fuckin' pants. How stupid is that shit.

In Prague, at a bog

in the fog,

on a log I met

a frog.

I was agog.

give them their due..

surely, we are much beholding to cheese martyrs... those brave souls who proved the edibility of the more esoteric cheeses. The Roquefort guy surely expected to die on the spot.

I don't get it...

I'm a hands on do it yourself manly man. I have one pair of jeans. Why does my wife have a dozen pair of jeans. Just wondering....

lust...

admit that I pine.. I reject mahogany!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bullshit..

I don't buy it. Peanut allergies. Just an urban myth created by the airline industry to save a buck.

Strangely similar...

It has finally dawned on me that figuring out the origin and path of the fatal Kennedy head would is far less vexing that figuring the origin and path of the hair on Donald Trumps head.

ha ca ca ca ca....

It isn't lost on those of us who know our mariners... the worlds "virgin or extra virgin" are suspiciously absent whenever Popeye's love, Olive Oil, is mentioned. Surely the name Brutus was not happenstance.

thanks for not caring..

Just made a mute point but as usual you all pretend like you didn't hear it!!

The absolute and sad truth...

A republican is someone who would vote for the devil, while relying on God to keep him from totally having his way.

It amazing...

Honestly, I can't believe how bright my kids are. My genes must really be dominant.

Would it matter if I did...

I'd insist we do it my way. ...but you'd just complain the whole time.. so why bother?

Food for thought...

which food group is cornflakes?

I am sick...

what's wrong with me that I always want to snicker at the word osmosis?

Truth be known...

I'm the reason she goes by "gaga".. and she's no lady. Just sayin'.

Did not pay off like I thought it would...

ever since I found out that a PDA is a public display of affection I have manically opened every pdf I come across; to the same disappointment every

time.

VD...

I've never really believed in VD ( Valentines Day) before .. but this itch is unbearable.

VD...redux...

Valentine's Day. This the day a lifetime of romantic equity and all that earned over the last year is suddenly voided and man has to buy back his spouses heart with junk and jewelry. Grrrrrrr"

Specious species...

"Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll never see a cat display any kind of guilty behavior, despite the fact that several cats were seen in Dallas on the grassy knoll area, not that I wish to start rumors.".

How it actually is..

snow day in Texas .. can't get to work but will get to Blockbuster no matter the odds.

Egypt...

Mubarak would retire if he could get on a health insurance program, but at his age.....

Yuk...

I tried sole food.. tastes like dirty feet.

No wonder...

celebrity or not, with the name A-Rod you're going to interest girls.

Movie review...

"The King's Speech".. wu..wu..w..wuw wu.... wu.. WOW!

Never again..

Saturday night.. sober.. THIS is not what I signed on for!!

Hurry up dear...

On the eve of my mid-life crisis I asked my wife which she would prefer; if I got a girlfriend or a motorcycle. I wish she would decide.. I'm almost through the whole phase.

menopause...

This is the critical point in developmental life process when the first small fishes developed little feet and crawled up on to the land.

Won't happen to me..

not having any involvement with maternity, I suspect I will not experience a "mid-wife" crisis.

Dog names...

I had wanted to name my dog "django"( after the great guitaris) ... but he was "Timmy" and he has barely lived up to that. Might have if he would practice.

I look bad...

growing a goatee... makes my wife of 33 years suspect I am plotting her demise whenever I grow facial hair. News at 11:00.

Q. Who would have thought Randy would be the "f'd" up Quaid brother? A. Everyone.

Porky Pig... cute name. Beefy Cow.... not so cute. Odd.

Substitute teaching...

Good sub teacher advice is don't let 'em sense fear or smell blood, but I think the sight and smell of urine will be inevitable.

Mortal fear...

On the eve of my substitute teaching debut, I am petrified by an old school daze fear... a random erection while standing in front of the class. Mind you, the probability is significantly reduced since the mid 1960's.

So friggin' easy...

I have decided to eat vegetarian.. which is easy because they all drive shitty little slow hybird cars and don't have the sense to own a weapon to defend themselves. Fools. Good eatin though.

Not me....?

who would have thought that at some point in your life you would vaguely resemble Captain Kangeroo.

Makes sense...

I suppose, if you think about it, if a man is going to watch porn (some do) it would make sense to watch the girl/girl stuff. Wouldn't really hurt to know what girls actually like.

Not on my nickel..

cheap ride or not, I wouldn't be happy driving a used taxi cab.. couldn't get past the "checkered" past.

Sell-outs!!!

It's sort of sad, the way the Berenstein Bears have wound up as shills for Charmin toilet paper.

Puberty...

At the time, I resisted strenuously, but in the end I have enjoyed puberty. Heard though, it reverses itself eventually. Dreading that.

The truth revealed...

With HD-TV you can see stubble on Mr. Clean's head.... he's a faker.I work with what I have...

I guess FB would be more fun if my particular friends had more "status".

Never stop looking...

I am looking for a woman with a keen sense of humor; particularly of the more obscure ones like bile, phlegm, or lymph.

Man, it takes forever...

I've been sober for a week... when did they add those six extra days to the week.

I'd stay away from me...

I read my horoscope everyday.. and everyday it is the same... "heed the voices in your head".... getting creepy really... and my sneakers message me too..

"just do it"....

ABOUT THE AUTHOR...

I am an aging architect of great skill but sidelined by the shitty economy. So, I spend a lot of time on Facebook; trying to be funny. Hope you like these. I also just published a novel on Smashwords called "The Undergrad". I think you will like it too. See also my novel "TUG".

