(cackles)
(laughs loudly)
(wheezes)
- What the (beep)?
Hello, and welcome to some
quality quarantine content.
Today, I'm going to be taking a look
at some banned/weird, old tech ads
that I've never seen before.
Or at least, I hope I haven't seen before.
(rhythmic synth music)
Okay, good start, good start.
Is this for the boombox?
♪ Roll on back ♪
♪ Blasting folks outta the sky ♪
- [Austin] What is that?
♪ 'Cause you know deep down
that it's gonna be a hummer ♪
♪ 'Cause nobody's hotter
than Atari this summer ♪
♪ Nobody's hotter than Atari this summer ♪
- Can we just pause for a second?
Okay, you take the Atari out.
You take the cable and
you plug it into the sand.
And then you play in the sky.
Okay.
Well, obviously the
summer of Atari went well.
(medical machines beeping)
- Breathe in and out.
(intense breathing)
(woman screaming)
(bed bangs)
(umbilical cord snaps)
(window shatters)
(air whooshes)
(baby wails)
(air whooshing)
(Austin scoffs)
(child screams)
- What am I watching right now?
(man screams)
I'm literally speechless.
(old man grunting)
What?
What could this possibly be for?
(old man crashes)
(wind gusts)
(bell knells)
Oh, that's dark.
No, it's not an X--
(logo whooshes)
(Austin cackles)
♪ Way down deep inside ♪
- [Austin] Oh, another Atari ad.
♪ There's a little boy ♪
♪ An Atari fan ♪
♪ And without any doubt ♪
(determined orchestral music)
♪ The boy will come out ♪
♪ When he plays ♪
- What is that laugh?
(letters beeping)
♪ Have you played Atari today? ♪
- Why was he laughing so creepy?
Are they trying to insinuate
that if you buy an Atari, you're (gags)
the Joker? (wheezes)
(Arthur cackling)
(dark synth music)
♪ Down with Zelda from the very start ♪
- What?
♪ It's smart to play the part ♪
♪ D-D-Down with Zelda ♪
- Oh, this is great!
♪ D-D-Down with Zelda ♪
- Yo, that's actually,
that's actually a really good ad.
God, these are so ridiculous.
You can tell I've been
trapped in the house too long
when I'm just like,
"Oh, yes, give me more of
these weird, old commercials."
(metal clanging)
(dark synth music)
Oh, is that the Power Glove?
You better give me a
Power Glove right now.
(rhythmic dark synth music)
- [Narrator] The Power Glove,
for your Nintendo Entertainment System.
Now you and the games are one.
(Austin laughs)
- So, for the record,
the Power Glove sucked.
It did not work.
Like--
(game whooshes)
- [Narrator] The Power Glove--
- Was not that cool.
The Power Glove was
definitely not that cool.
Oh, who am I kidding,
it's awesome. (scoffs)
(wholesome music)
- [Narrator] What did your family do
on those stay-indoors, rainy afternoons?
- Make YouTube videos.
- [Narrator] Entertain
themselves with Odyssey.
(bright synth music)
- Yeah, the Odyssey, man.
So, this would be early '70s.
- [Narrator] Once the
Antenna-Game Switch is attached,
you can select the TV position
for regular television viewing,
or the game position.
- This is actually a
really useful tutorial,
because no one really understood this.
I mean, this was the first
sort of video game system.
- [Narrator] And operates on six,
common-sized, C-cell batteries.
- Right!
The Odyssey didn't even plug in!
They ran on batteries.
- [Narrator] To play Odyssey Tennis,
you insert game card number
three into the master unit.
- Wait, the game cards,
I never had an Odyssey.
The game cards didn't
actually have the labels
of what the games were.
It was just like, "Oh
this is number three."
You have to know which
game number three is.
- [Narrator] The position
on the television screen--
- Overlays!
That's why you needed the specific size!
- [Narrator] And storage or
moving of your Odyssey unit--
- You know what, this is
actually pretty clever.
Because you have to
think, back in the day,
I mean, this was all analog, right?
They're not using crazy-powerful
computers or anything.
Like, it's very simple,
and so much of it relies on the overlays.
So much of it relies on,
like, electrical engineering,
versus, you know,
obviously having the NES,
which actually could have
fully programmable graphics.
And there you go.
The very first home video game console.
(strange synth music)
That's really cool.
All right.
♪ So, I've been counting up the plumbing ♪
♪ For the regions ♪
- This is terrible quality.
♪ Giant turtles up again ♪
♪ And creepy crabs are right behind me ♪
- What is this?
♪ They're all coming out the pipes ♪
♪ Mario, where are you ♪
- Wait, that's Mario?
(gentle piano music)
- Oh, that's disturbing.
Oh, I know this one!
This is the Palm, the Palm Pre!
- When I saw this juggler,
she was very good.
And the weird thing was--
- She's looking at me.
- The more balls she had up in the air,
the easier she made it look.
- Oh, here we go.
Palm Pre, you see it for a second.
(eerie rhythmic music)
And that's it.
That's the ad.
The rest of it's just this creepy girl,
talking to you about the Palm Pre.
(inhales loudly) You know,
it's funny enough to laugh
at these old 70s and 80s ads,
but that ad came out, in what, 2009, 2010?
- [Narrator] Finding a phone--
- [Austin] Here we go.
- [Narrator] Except when it leaves--
- Oh, look at that!
Oh, man, the bag phone.
My dad actually used to have one of these.
- [Narrator] Transportable,
cellular telephone.
(phone trills)
- Cellular telephone.
- Hello?
(chuckles) Oh, yes, he's right here!
It's for you.
(Austin laughs)
- Yes?
- Look at this kid!
Look at his typewriter!
It is crazy to think
of how far we've come,
when you have, like,
a folding phone which
can do 100 times that,
and, what, 30 years ago, you
needed an entire bag phone.
I remember when my dad
used to have one of these,
he actually had to go,
he knew roughly, because
he was a sort of a,
he had to travel a lot for work.
He knew what areas had cell service,
so he'd just pull off
to the side of the road to make a call,
and then keep on driving.
(sighs) We've come a long way, man.
- My new computer started
out fast, really fast!
But now it's only kind of fast.
(Austin scoffs)
- Hold on,
let me check my email.
It's not loading!
- Oh, I like how she's using
Windows XP on her MacBook.
- This game should be a
lot, lot faster. (pants)
Mom, this internet connection is so slow!
- "Mom, this internet
connection is so slow!"
- It's just not as fast as it used to be.
(tense synth music)
- If your computer
doesn't run like it's supposed to,
if your internet connection is unreliable,
even on a so-called fast connection,
even if your brand-new computer
isn't as fast as it oughta be,
you might not have any
real problem at all.
Log on to finallyfast.com.
(Austin scoffs)
- What's Finally Fast?
Oh!
It's some stupid tool.
Get outta here, get outta here.
- [Narrator] Log on to finallyfast.com,
and learn how to optimize
your internet connection--
- Such a scam.
- It's finally fast!
Finallyfast.com!
- I love this guy.
Mom, the Internet's slow!
(gasps) It's finally fast, bro!
Wait, what happens if I go
to finallyfast.com right now?
(keyboard clacking)
Oh, it's still here!
"This software has been
downloaded 20 million times."
"Hundreds of registry
issues and invalid files
"can be lurking behind
the scenes on your PC.
"These registry issues often go unnoticed
"because they do not
appear on the screen."
Yeah, because registry issues are fine.
Don't touch that (beep).
(groans)
- How much do you think--
- (gasps) Steve Ballmer!
- Wait just one minute before you answer.
Watch as Windows integrates
Lotus 1-2-3 with Miami Vice!
Now we can take this
Ferrari, and paste it right--
- This guy was the CEO of
Microsoft for a very long time.
- [Steve] Even import your calendar,
a card file, a notepad, a
clock, a control panel--
- Tell me more, Steve!
- And, can you believe it?
Reversi!
That's right, all these
features and Reversi,
all for just how much did you guess?
- How much?
- 500?
- 500?
- 1000?
- 1000?
- Even more?
No, it's just $99!
- $99!
Steve, sign me up!
- It's an incredible value,
(Austin wheezes)
but it's true!
(Austin cackles)
It's Windows from Microsoft!
Order today!
P.O. Box 286-DOS!
Except in Nebraska!
(Austin wheezes)
- Can I just reiterate?
Steve Ballmer became CEO of Microsoft.
He led Microsoft to make a very,
very large amount of money.
And yet. (sighs)
I've gotta say, this makes me happy.
Why don't we have this today?
I want a used car, I mean, (clears throat)
I want Steve Ballmer
to sell me more things.
Like, $99 for Windows 1.0.
(triumphant synth music)
Windows 3.1, baby!
Bill! (wheezes)
- Hello, I'm Bill Gates,
chairman of Microsoft.
- Look at that hair!
Look at those glasses.
Look at that tie, man.
Look, I wish I had this much style.
I mean--
- [Bill] How quickly our
powerful applications,
like Word, and Excel, and PowerPoint--
- You know what's funny?
Word, Excel, PowerPoint.
I mean, this video is, what?
25 years old, at least.
And yet, I bet if you look at
Microsoft revenue right now,
they still make most of, or
at least a lot of their money,
on Word, Excel, and PowerPoint.
Like, it's crazy how
old these programs are,
and yet a lot of the work that they did,
back in the 80s and the 90s,
has really cemented them as
still sort of the standard
in so many places.
Oh, the original Mac.
(cheerful music)
- [Narrator] It does all the--
Dude, after looking at some
of the other stuff we've
seen today, this is 1984.
This interface was so ahead of its time.
I mean, you had, like, the mouse.
You had to ability to actually
open up multiple windows,
and move it around.
Look at that.
You could right-click,
you have the top, like, sorta status bar
that the Mac still has.
I think it's easy to overlook
just how ahead of its
time this computer was.
(gasps)
- [Narrator] The development
of Macintosh by Apple--
- Bill!
What kind of bizarre world is it,
that's 1984, and Bill
Gates is hawking the Mac.
- I was enthused.
Microsoft doesn't work with
new hardware very often.
- "Microsoft doesn't work
with new hardware very often."
It's like, (wheezes)
it's like, "Oh, yes, us
in Microsoft don't work
"with these upstarts like Apple." (scoffs)
Oh, look at that!
Look at how much better this
Mac looks than that IBM.
- [Narrator] You can expand the storage--
Like, even back in the 80s,
Apple was really on top of
their game as far as design.
No!
Mm-mm, nah, nah.
Okay, look, I get it.
This is the time before laptops.
But no one is taking their Macintosh,
and the giant carrying case, home.
Look how big that is!
(laughs)
(groans)
Okay.
(Austin snickers)
(gentle piano music)
- [Narrator] The real
genius of Macintosh--
- Ooh, we get some 3D models, here.
That's actually, that's pretty impressive.
Oh, wait, no, is that a 3D model?
No, that's actually real, isn't it?
(pensive piano music)
- Or that it captures
the power of a mainframe
on a board 10 by 10 inches.
- A mainframe!
- [Narrator] Or even
that it cost half as much
as computers half as powerful.
- "Half as much as
computers half as powerful."
That's actually a really good tagline.
- [Narrator] Is that you
don't have to be a genius
to use it.
(Austin scoffs)
- You don't have to be
a genius to use a Mac.
You know what'd be funny?
I feel like you could give
a kid today a Macintosh,
and they would probably still
be able to figure it out.
That computer was so
far ahead of its time,
and sort of laid the found work
for so much of what we know and expect
out of computers today.
Damn.
Hopefully you enjoyed this
quality quarantine content.
I've gotta say, I've
never seen lot of those.
That was ridiculous.
So, make sure to subscribe.
And until next time,
I'll catch you in 1978.
I mean, I've got the shirt for it.
