I don't need to
be a mind reader to know
that an enormous number of
people watching this video right now
feel this...
Dating
Sucks...
Now why do
they feel this way?
Because they want
to create something real.
Chances are if
you're watching this video,
you want to
create something real.
You wanna find
someone who values you.
Find someone
who invests in you.
Who you
can invest in.
Someone who you can
build something enduring with,
but instead
here's what you get.
Casual dating,
meaningless hookups,
and mixed,
confusing-ass signals.
Now this leaves
people very frustrated.
It leaves them wondering
if what they're looking for
is actually out there.
I recently ran an
exclusive closed door event
for my
closest clients.
It was invite only,
and I made them one promise.
I am gonna
talk all day
about how to create
a real and lasting relationship,
and avoid
the casual dating,
hookup culture we feel like
we're currently existing in.
What I'm about to show you
is a clip from that private event.
A moment that
highlights the frustration
people are feeling right now
that we're talking about here,
and watch all
the way to the end,
because after that clip,
I'm gonna join you back here
to show you a strange
counterintuitive way that
that frustration
I'm talking about
could actually
be costing you
the real relationship
you're looking for.
Check it out.
Hi Matthew.
Good to see you.
Welcome back
to NYC.
Thank you
for having me.
The content that you
have today is really amazing,
and I'm really happy to be here.
That's first of all.
Thank you.
Recently, I had a conversation
with a gentleman who said to me,
"You know, Cecilia?
You are intimidating to men."
"You are too smart.
Guys can't get over on you,"
"and that's gonna
be a problem for you."
And I thought,
I don't wanna guy
in my life that's gonna be
intimidated by my strength.
I want someone that's
gonna embrace my strength,
and who I am as a human being,
and as in a woman,
as I get older
I find that it is a little harder,
and I ask,
how can I allow myself to
be open to love,
finding a great partner
who's gonna
embrace who I am?
What you're saying
works on the presumption
that men inherently
find smart women
unattractive,
or intimidating.
Some men are intimidated
by smart women.
Some men are intimidated by
women who have found their purpose,
who have found something
that they really enjoy doing.
Especially if those men haven't
found what they enjoy doing.
Some men are intimidated by
women who go to the gym a lot.
[Laughter]
Especially if they can't get themselves
to kinda get into a routine with that.
I mean I just
think that the...
higher a frequency
you're living on
the less
people are gonna be
either available to you,
or desirable to you.
So how do I find
love if that's the case?
My pool is getting
smaller and smaller.
I'm not
getting any younger.
[Laughter]
I'm sorry...
[Laughter]
I just think that
it doesn't help
you to think about it
in the
macro like that.
Like you're
thinking about it
at this
bird's eye view of,
you know,
my pool is getting smaller,
and men
don't like...
They're intimidated
by intelligent women,
and this,
and that, and...
I just...
I don't...
My friend
is a doctor,
and he told me a phrase once,
he said,
"Statistics don't
matter to the individual."
In medicine when
someone has a rare disease.
The fact that only
one in a hundred thousand
people
get that disease
is irrelevant to the
person that got the disease.
Right? Statistics don't
matter to the individual.
And
I would say that
on a
relationship level
statistics don't
matter to you either,
and won't matter to you
when you meet someone special.
It won't
matter to you
what the economics
are right now of
finding
a relationship.
It only
matters to you now,
because those are the
terms that you're thinking in,
and I just don't
think that it serves you
to think
in those terms.
If I had thought in
those terms about business,
I never would
have started a business.
The results of businesses
succeeding new businesses
are so low
that if you went by that
you would
never start a business.
But I didn't
start a business
to overcome
the odds of business.
I started
a business,
because I had something
I really wanted to say,
and do,
and I wanted to
live a
life where
I wasn't going
into a job I hated.
So it was a different
thing driving me,
and I
understand your point.
I'm not minimizing that it's
difficult to find someone special.
It is.
It one hundred percent is.
The good news is that
everyone's feeling the same way.
Right?
Everyone's feeling that.
No one is...
It's...
It's really hard
no matter who you are.
You could
be a person that like
a hundred men are throwing
themselves at you a day...
It still doesn't mean you're gonna find
anyone you wanna spend your life with.
It's just hard
for everyone,
but again
I don't think that it's
because you're smart.
I just think that
the more
you achieve in life, and
the more you drive yourself
the less people
you feel...
You could still
connect to everybody,
'cause I think there's something
to learn from everyone,
but there are
less people that will just
resonate on that
frequency that you're on,
and you know,
that's okay.
That just means
you have high standards,
and you have
to keep doing it,
and if
your view is,
'I can't
keep doing it.'
Then I say,
what is the thing
that you keep doing that you're
deciding you're not gonna do anymore?
I would like to know Cecilia,
if you said to me,
'Matt, the whole
point of me saying this,'
'is because
I'm about to give up.'
What are
you giving up?
That's what
I wanna know.
What's the behavior,
what's the thing
that you're
gonna stop doing
because you're sick and tired
of not meeting the right man?
Tell me that.
I don't know, because I think I'm
doing a lot of different things
to try and
meet the right guy.
So what's the thing that is
disrupting your life right now
that you don't
wanna do anymore?
I don't wanna worry about it.
I want it to happen organically.
Okay,
but like what does that mean?
You want it to happen
when you're laying in bed?
I'm standing
at a cafe...
I'm gonna use
one of your lines.
I'm standing at a cafe, and I
actually start chatting with someone.
Okay great,
but that's not organic.
That's you trying.
Well...
[Laughter]
So again,
what's the thing, like...
I'm challenging you right now,
and I know you can take it,
but I...
I don't know
what your question is.
Is your question,
is it hard to meet someone
that you spend
the rest of your life with?
Yes.
Is your question,
do I really want this?
I think,
probably the answer is yes.
Yes.
Right? 'Cause it's an experience
of life you wanna have.
Yes.
Is your question,
should I give up?
Well,
to that I respond.
What are
you giving up?
Leaving the house?
What are
you giving up?
Not doing
new things?
What are
you giving up?
Going on
dates sometimes?
What's the thing
that you would give up?
I challenge all of you.
What's the thing
you would give up?
Because to me,
none of the things that you do
to meet someone,
apart from
spending hours
and hours online,
which I don't
support anyway.
[Laughter]
But none of the things
that you do to meet someone
are things that wouldn't
be good for your life anyway.
If I took
off the table
the idea of ever meeting
your dream guy.
Let's just
remove that.
I take it off the table.
Never gonna happen.
I've literally made sure
that can't happen for you.
I've eliminated
every man on earth
that could
be your perfect man.
[Laughter]
Okay.
I'm curious
as to how many of you
would stop having conversations
with people in general.
How many
people would say,
"Well, since I
can't find the one."
"I'm just
gonna stop socializing."
"I'm just gonna stop going
on dates at all. You know?"
"I'm gonna give up
the whole sex thing."
"Like I'm gonna just...
I'm not gonna do any of this."
I don't buy
it for a second.
What you would do,
is you'd say,
"Okay... Well,"
"I guess I'll go on some fun
dates that won't turn out to be"
"the one, but you know,
I'll just have some fun times."
"You know, go out and
enjoy meeting new people."
"Stay curious, get to
know people's stories,"
"and I'll make
the best of it,"
"but I can't
give up this part of me."
"Cause it's in me.
It is me."
"It's part of me
being a woman"
"who wants to go
out there and explore,"
"and meet people,
and connect,"
"and be intimate,
and be warm,"
"and be affectionate.
I'm not gonna give up all of that."
Cecilia,
what you have to ask yourself is...
I get the frustration.
I get it.
And I'm not
minimizing that,
and I understand
the frustration
of searching for
someone really special,
and right now
it's not happening.
That person isn't there,
but you have to
get back to that question.
"What would I do differently
if I decided to give up the search?"
"What thing
would I give up in my life?"
Because
I put to you that
it would be very hard
for you to name something
that you would give up
that wouldn't cost you in other ways.
That wouldn't actually
hurt your sense of joy,
and fun, and fulfillment
in other ways
by deciding,
'this isn't for me.'
I can't see it.
What would you stop, dating?
Dating's fun.
Like even if it's not
the love of your life,
like going on a date,
and sometimes there's chemistry,
or sometimes you get
a new friend out of it,
or sometimes...
Who knows?
Like would you really give up
any connection to the opposite sex?
Like, I don't know...
I can't see it.
I can't see it.
So I think that there's so many
things we do in pursuit of
that person, that are worth
doing for their own sake
that it's almost
not even worth
worrying about in the way
that you're worrying about it.
It's just like...
Just
keep taking chances.
Keep being proactive.
Keep being the kind of person
that steps out of her comfort zone.
Keep being the kind of person that
puts herself around other people.
Keep being the type of person
that is open to experiences in life.
In that,
is being open to love,
but we don't even
need to call it that.
Just be someone
who is open to experiences,
and should you find
yourself in a situation
where it seems to be
getting intimate or whatever,
and you
like the person.
Do everything
we've talked about today
to make sure that you give
yourself the best possible chance
of being taken
seriously by that person.
Let's keep going.
Thank you so much by the way.
We had a microphone
down here... Yes.
Look,
I wanna make one thing clear.
Whilst I believe that
there are many things
that we do that will
bring us a relationship
that are good
for their own sake,
and worth doing
even if they don't bring us
the love
of our life.
I understand and respect
how hard it is out there.
You are dealing
with so much crap.
People who have
just the worst behavior.
People who will
do anything to use you.
People who will string you along,
even though they have no intention
of taking things anywhere
meaningful or serious.
The frustration
you have with that
is one thousand
percent understandable,
but that frustration has a
bad side effect for your love life.
That frustration
leads to the feeling that
there really
isn't anyone out there,
or at least the suspicion that
that thing you've always been looking for
might never come.
That leads
to a scarcity mindset.
When you
have a scarcity mindset
it puts you
in a dangerous position,
because when
someone comes along
who has even a
mild connection with you.
Someone who shows you
a glimpse of what you're looking for...
you latch on.
You get so
excited about it.
So grateful for it
that you'll do anything to keep it.
Now that's
very dangerous,
because when you'll do
anything to keep something,
when you see the potential of it,
and you'll
do whatever you can to
make sure that goes somewhere
you start being more
forgiving of bad behavior,
and maybe
not even bad behavior,
but someone not
giving you what you want.
Someone treating you
worse than you deserve.
Someone not
truly investing in you.
We start making
excuses for them.
We start
justifying it,
because god forbid
it goes away altogether.
When would
you find someone again?
You have a connection.
You wanna hold on to it, right?
Now here's
the really dangerous part.
When you start
accepting worse behavior
this person begins
to value you less.
So it
looks like this.
Having a scarcity mindset
about what's out there
makes us accept worse
behavior from the person we're with.
When they see us accepting
bad behavior from them,
or low
investment from them.
They stop
taking us seriously,
because they look at us, and consciously,
or unconsciously they think,
'What kind of person would
allow me to treat them like this?'
'Not someone
that I should take seriously.'
'Not someone that
I would have a relationship with.'
So now even if that person had the
potential to have a relationship with you,
they're starting to
see you as lower value.
They're starting
to see you as someone
who may not be
worthy of a real relationship,
because you're
treating yourself
like you're not
worthy of a real relationship.
So the
irony of all of this
is the thing
you value the most
which you're letting
get away with murder,
because you
value it the most
now values you less precisely
because that's what you're doing.
So I'm talking
to you right now
if you are looking
for something real,
because
let me tell you this,
if you wanna
attract the real
you have
to be prepared
to sacrifice
the bullshit,
and when
I say the bullshit,
I mean the bullshit
version of a relationship
that you're
currently being offered.
The pseudo relationship.
The halfway house.
The breadcrumbing
that you're sick of.
The people disappearing,
or ghosting you that you're sick of.
If you actually
want to be taken seriously
you have to prepared
to sacrifice the bullshit,
and by the way
sacrificing the bullshit can mean
giving up the guy
so that you can
go out there and find
someone who's serious,
or it could mean
sacrificing the current dynamic,
and taking the risk to
graduate it into something more.
The death of the bullshit
you have with him right now,
and the
birth of a better,
new dynamic that
you have with this person,
because they now
take you more seriously.
So I'm on a
campaign right now
for those people
who want something real
to show you
exactly how to create it.
I wanna walk you down the path
that you actually want to go down,
because this isn't about
an unrealistic level of optimism.
I know how hard it is
to meet someone you really like.
How hard it is
to meet someone
that you actually
wanna make it work with.
So when you
do meet that person,
you wanna
do the right things.
Join me
next week,
'cause we're gonna
be continuing this conversation,
and we're gonna make
some serious progress together.
For now,
leave me a comment.
Letting me know, A:
If you've fallen into this trap before,
and you can relate to it.
A time when
you cared so much that
that caring actually lead you to doing
some of the wrong things.
And B:
If you're ready to
finally create something real.
I can't wait
to read those,
and I will
see you next week.
