(intense music)
(upbeat music)
- Last night, the party
showcased their diversity
by giving speakers slots
to all four of America's
black Trump supporters.
And I don't know what they're gonna do
for the rest of the week.
I mean, Tim Scott has already spoken,
so they're going to have to
bring him back out on Wednesday
with a fake mustache, like,
"Hello, it's me, Senator Brimshmart
and I also support Donald Trump."
And while some of the
black speakers last night
attested to how not racist Trump is,
one of the speakers went even further
and declared that the real
racists are the Democrats.
- You may be wondering,
why is a lifelong Democrat
speaking at the Republican
National Convention?
And that's a fair question
and here's your answer.
The Democratic Party does
not want black people
to leave their mental plantation.
We've been forced to be there
for decades and generations,
but I have news for
Joe Biden, we are free.
We are free people with free minds.
- So, let me get this straight,
when other groups organize
and vote by their interests,
they get a fancy name like voting blocks,
but when black people do it,
you get told you're acting
like an extra on "Roots?"
And why is it that the
people who always say
you should be a free thinker,
have a very specific set of
instructions on how to think?
Think for yourselves, black people.
A'ight man, I'ma do that.
I'ma vote for the Democrats.
No! I said, think for
yourselves, vote Republican.
Okay, maybe I'll vote Independent.
Yo, you better start
thinking for yourself.
I mean, black women in this country
vote Democrat more than anybody else.
And I'll tell you now,
nobody is more of a free
thinker than a black woman.
I dare you to try and
brainwash a black woman.
You'll come out of there joining her cult.
I'm in the cult of I
shoulda shut my mouth.
And also this argument
is especially confusing
coming from this dude
because he's saying the Democrats
are trying to enslave you.
Also, I'm a lifelong Democrat.
That's like every confused
meme on the internet at once.
Like, does that mean he's
keeping his own voters
on the mental plantation?
I feel like I need to watch
12 years a mental slave
to understand what the
(beep) he's talking about.
Now, to be fair, it's not that the RNC
completely denied the
existence of racism in America.
They just think that racism
is a less systemic problem
and more of a personal obstacle
on the way to an inspirational triumph.
And two of their best speeches, actually,
came from people who have
made that exact journey.
- America is not a racist country.
My father wore a turban.
My mother wore a sari.
I was a brown girl in a
black and white world.
We faced discrimination and hardship,
but my parents never gave
in to grievance and hate.
- My grandfather's 99th birthday
would have been tomorrow.
He suffered the indignity
of being forced out of
school as a third grader,
yet he lived long enough
to see his grandson
become the first African American
to be elected to both
the United States House
and the United States Senate
in the history of this country.
Our family went from cotton to Congress
in one lifetime.
- Look, whatever you think
about Nikki Haley and Tim Scott,
you cannot deny that they
have inspiring stories.
But, here's the thing about
them using their stories
to show how exceptional America is,
Haley and Scott are
literally the exceptions.
The fact that Tim Scott is
one of the only black senators
and Nikki Haley was one of
the only minority governors
is, if anything, an
argument for the existence
of systemic racism in
America, not against it.
Imagine being the sole
survivor of a plane crash,
looking around at the
wreckage and going, wow,
I wish all these other
passengers could have persevered
and overcome this crash, just like me.
Shout out to Boeing.
I mean, if America didn't
have a racism problem,
then their achievements
wouldn't be a big deal.
Getting elected as a minority
would be as easy as,
say, mailing a letter.
Well, I mean, that's a bad example,
but you know what I mean?
What I want is a world where a black man
becoming a Senator isn't inspirational.
That's when black people
will have really made it,
When there's a black
Senator who's just like,
yeah, so my dad was a CEO
and then his billionaire
friends started a super PAC,
so I guess I'm here now.
Of course, there's really only one speaker
anyone at the Republican
convention wants to hear from,
and that's Donald "Jerry Falwell" Trump.
Well, I'm sorry to tell you
that the president did not
speak in primetime last night,
but we did get a speech
from his oldest
disappointment, Don Junior,
who briefly turned the
convention into an infomercial.
- My father's entire world view
revolves around the idea that
we can always do even better.
Imagine the life you want to have,
one with a great job, a
beautiful home, a perfect family.
You can have it.
Imagine the country you want to live in,
one with true equal opportunity.
You can have it.
Heroes are celebrated
and the good guys win.
You can have it.
That is the life. That is the country.
That is the world that Donald Trump
and the Republican party are after
and yes, you can have it.
- Honestly, put your hating aside.
You have to admit,
Don Junior would make a
great motivational speaker
and not in the traditional way
where he inspires you with quotes,
more like in a way where
people would look at him
and say, that guy can run a giant company
and speak at a major political convention?
That guy?
Just imagine what I can
accomplish if I put my mind to it.
Also, if Donald Trump has
already been president
for almost four years,
then why do we still have to imagine
how great life could
be if he was president?
Trump's presidency is like
your 48 year old cousin's DJ career,
if it hasn't been successful
by now, it's not gonna be.
But if Don Junior
couldn't get you on board
with his vision of America,
maybe the problem was
that your TV volume wasn't loud enough,
in which case Don's girlfriend
and former Fox News
host, Kimberly Guilfoyle,
turned it up for you.
- Do you believe in American greatness,
believe in yourself, in President Trump?
His promise was to put
America first and he has.
President Trump believes in you.
He emancipates and lifts you
up to live your American dream.
You are capable, you are
qualified, you are powerful,
and you have the ability
to choose your life
and determine your destiny.
Ladies and gentlemen, leaders
and fighters for freedom
and liberty and the American
dream, the best is yet to come.
(audio feedback screeches)
- Did that seem kind of loud to anyone?
First of all, I want to
wish a speedy recovery
to anyone who was listening on headphones.
I'm praying for you.
And I guess we also found the one person
who actually signed up for
Rudy Giuliani's masterclass.
- America!
- You know when you're at a
party and the music turns off,
and then all of a sudden
you're talking way too loud?
That's basically what Guilfoyle
did for an entire speech.
And then I shit my pants.
And aside from the speech being so loud
that Canada called the cops,
the actual content was also ridiculous.
Donald Trump believes in me?
The dude also believes in Kim Jong-un
and hydroxychloroquine.
I don't wanna be in that group.
(upbeat music)
Yesterday was night two
of the Republican National Convention,
the biggest week for
Trump campaign staffers
who aren't currently in prison.
And the night got off to a rocky start
when one speaker was
pulled at the last minute
for tweeting out an antisemitic,
QAnon conspiracy theory.
And I, for one, am really glad
because I don't know about you,
but when I sit down
to watch the Republican
National Convention,
I don't wanna hear anything crazy,
but I'm worried that this does
set a dangerous precedence
because now there's a 95% chance
that Trump also gets
the boot come Thursday.
That wasn't a tweet. I
just retweeted it guys.
What's wrong with you?
But after that, rocky start,
who better to smooth things over
than vice president of the United States
and elevator music in
human form, Mr. Mike Pence.
Pence appeared in a video
that was too boring for me
to remember what happened,
except that he was standing
outside Abraham Lincoln's boyhood cabin
and he also took the bold
step of appearing alone
with a woman who was not mother,
or, as he calls it, doggy style.
Then, later on, there was a segment
making the case that Trump
is also a feminist hero
because he's hired a bunch of women.
And although some people might
argue, you have to admit,
Trump is an ally to women.
Just look at the facts.
He appointed a young up and coming woman
to a high level position,
despite having zero experience.
He gave women like Kellyanne
Conway and Sarah Sanders,
the opportunity to lie
to the American people,
a job traditionally reserved for men.
And he, alone, stood by Ghislaine Maxwell,
when no one else would.
If that doesn't make him a feminist,
then maybe I don't know
what the word means.
But the main event of the evening
was the speech from first lady
and woman who just betrayed
James Bond, Melania Trump.
She showed, once again, why
she is the most popular Trump.
- I want to acknowledge
the fact that since March,
our lives have changed drastically.
The invisible enemy COVID-19
swept across our beautiful
country and impacted all of us.
My deepest sympathy goes out to everyone
who has lost a loved one
and my prayers are with those
who are ill or suffering.
I don't want to use this precious time
attacking the other side,
because, as we saw last week,
that kind of talk only serves
to divide the country further.
This modern world is moving so fast
and our children face challenges
that seem to change every few months.
Just like me, I know many
of you watch how mean
and manipulative social media can be.
We all know Donald Trump makes no secrets
about how he feels about things.
Total honesty is what we, as citizens,
deserve from our president.
- Okay, is it just me or
does every Melania speech
seem like she's taking
shots at her husband?
She called it COVID-19
instead of China virus.
She said people on social
media are too mean.
And she said that America
deserves an honest president.
I was watching this like, damn,
she may have gotten rid of
the trees in the rose garden,
but she made sure to bring her own shade.
I mean, no wonder Trump was
sitting there the whole time,
looking like he was watching
his own colonoscopy.
But, aside from Trump, it turns out
that a lot of people really
loved Melania's speech.
- Melania Trump delivered
a very impressive speech
from the rose garden, the White House.
- [Reporter] Addressing
pointedly and movingly,
the number one crisis issue
facing the United States right now,
the coronavirus pandemic.
- She did touch on
and did speak to the
reality that is going on
in a way that we haven't heard many other,
if any other, speakers really do.
She acknowledged what people are feeling.
- Ah, yes, it's true.
Melania spoke with optimism and empathy
when everyone else was dark and fearful.
It's almost like when they
went low, she went high.
Have I heard that somewhere before?
And I know right now you might
be saying, come on Trevor,
why does Melania deserve praise
for just sympathizing
with coronavirus victims?
Well, I'll tell you why.
Have you seen the rest of the convention?
Everyone else is acting like
the pandemic never happened
or that it magically
ended a long time ago.
Like, I know the bar is low,
but at least she stepped over it.
It's easy to be best when
everyone else is being worst.
And maybe you don't
think Melania's sympathy
is worth anything,
but sympathy is all she can offer
because she doesn't have any power.
And don't tell me no,
she should force Trump
to do more about corona.
Guys, Melania can't make Trump do shit.
If she had any power,
do you think she would let
him dress the way he does?
I mean, look at them.
Melania looks like she's
got fashion designers
on speed dial,
whereas Trump looks like he stole his suit
off of a parade balloon
version of himself.
Now, Melania wasn't the
only Trump family member
who spoke last night.
We also heard from
the president's youngest
daughter, Tiffany,
who said she was having difficulty
finding a job right now.
I mean, dude, can't her
dad at least hook her up
with a job in the mail room?
Or I guess, in this case, a
job sabotaging the mail room?
And of course, there was an appearance
by the ultimate forgotten man, Eric Trump,
who took full advantage of the fact
that perhaps for the first time in years,
his dad was probably listening to him.
- In closing, I'd like to
speak directly to my father.
I miss working alongside
you every single day
but I'm damn proud to be on
the front lines of this fight.
I'm proud of what you are
doing for this country.
I'm proud to show my children
what their grandfather is fighting for.
You are making America strong again.
You are making America safe again.
You are making America proud again.
I love you very much.
God bless you and God bless
the United States of America.
- Man, I feel bad for Eric.
Imagine having to talk to
your dad through the TV.
It's sad because you can
talk to someone through a TV,
but there's no way to
know if they're listening.
Isn't that right J-Lo?
That's nice of you to say I miss you, too.
And knowing the Donald,
Eric's speech is probably the exact moment
he decided to go to the concession
stand to get more nachos.
(upbeat music)
Part of what made Pence's
speech interesting
was how he's able to hide so much bullshit
underneath the veneer of a
respectable small town pastor.
In fact, he actually
made me appreciate Trump
because Trump says
bullshit in a bullshit way
that's always easy to spot, like this.
- You mentioned the Bible,
you've been talking about
how it's your favorite book
and you said, I think last night in Iowa,
and some people are
surprised that you say that.
I'm wondering what one or two
of your most favorite
Bible verses are and why.
- I wouldn't want to get into it
because to me that's very personal.
You know, when I talk about
the Bible, it's very personal.
So, I don't want to get into verses.
- There's no verse--
- I don't want to get into--
- That means a lot to you,
that you think about or cite?
- The Bible means a lot to me
but I don't want to get into specifics.
- Even to cite a verse that you like?
- No, I don't wanna do that.
- Are you an old Testament
guy or a new Testament guy?
- Probably equal.
- You see? Obvious bullshit.
We all know that men has
never read the Bible.
Now, granted, he's never read any book,
but he's specifically
never read the Bible.
Which is your favorite?
But with Mike Pence, if
you're not paying attention,
he comes across as a reasonable guy.
You know, it's the same
way I didn't trust anything
that the Tiger King said,
but when Doc Antle spoke,
he almost made me believe
that he wasn't running
a wild animal sex cult.
Just seemed like everyone
was just doing their thing.
And last night was Mike
Pence at his finest,
cool, calm and full of BS,
starting with the way he
talked about the civil unrest
happening in America's cities.
- Last week, Joe Biden didn't say one word
about the violence and chaos
engulfing cities across this country.
President Trump and I know
that the men and women
that put on the uniform of law enforcement
are the best of us.
Every day when they walk out that door,
they consider our lives more
important than their own.
People like Dave Patrick Underwood,
an officer in the department
of Homeland Security's
Federal Protective Service,
who was shot and killed
during the riots in Oakland, California.
Dave's heroism is emblematic
of the heroes that
serve in blue every day.
- First off, Pence says
that an officer was killed
during the riots in Oakland,
which gives you the impression
that the officer was
killed by rioters, right?
The truth is, the person charged
with killing Officer Underwood
is a right wing terrorist.
You know, it's sort of like saying
that Bruce Lee died
during the Vietnam War.
Yeah, technically that's
correct because he died in 1973,
but it's not while he was
fighting the Vietcong.
You gotta tell the truth, people.
Bruce Lee was killed by the Illuminat--
(static interrupts Trevor)
When Pence says that Joe
Biden didn't say one word
about the violence during the convention,
he's giving you the impression
that Biden supports the riots,
when in fact, Biden condemned them
a few months ago when they started
and he continued condemning
them again yesterday,
when they kicked off in Kenosha
and that's what makes Mike Pence so slick.
He doesn't lie. He doesn't lie.
He just implies. But that's
fine, I guess, you know.
There's no commandment that says
thall shalt not suggest false
witness against thy neighbor.
So, according to Mike Pence,
America under President Trump
is falling into anarchy,
but you'll never guess
whose fault it actually is.
- Joe Biden says that America
is systemically racist
and that law enforcement in America has,
and I quote, "an implicit
bias against minorities."
Joe Biden would double
down on the very policies
that are leading to violence
in America's cities.
The hard truth is you won't be
safe in Joe Biden's America.
- That's right.
You see all the bad stuff
that's happening in Trump's America?
Well, that's actually Joe Biden's America.
So, wait, when is it Trump's America?
When things are going well.
And as for the idea that you won't be safe
when Joe Biden is president,
people are not safe now!
Forget the riots,
coronavirus is waiting
to punch me in the lungs
as soon as I leave the house.
You won't be safe in the future.
Bitch, I can't even go
to a Denny's right now.
So, Mike Pence talking
about riots and protests
wasn't exactly on the up and up,
but it was nothing
compared to his bullshit
about Trump's handling of
the coronavirus pandemic,
which to hear him tell it
was more perfect than
Trump's call with Ukraine.
- Before the first case of the coronavirus
spread within the United States,
the president took unprecedented action
and suspended all travel from China,
the second largest economy in the world.
Now, that action saved
untold American lives.
And I can tell you firsthand,
it bought us invaluable time
to launch the greatest
national mobilization
since World War II.
President Trump marshaled
the full resources
of our federal government from the outset.
He directed us to forge
a seamless partnership
with governors across America,
in both political parties.
Today, we're conducting more
than 800,000 tests a day
and we have coordinated the delivery
of billions of pieces of
personal protective equipment
for our amazing doctors,
nurses and healthcare workers.
(audience applauds)
- Okay, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm actually kind of impressed
by how much cow excrement
Pence managed to pack in here
because yes, America is doing
800,000 tests a day now.
What Pence doesn't
mention is the many months
where America did basically no testing
and that Trump, himself, wants
there to be less testing.
Pence brags about coordinating
the delivery of PPE.
What he doesn't mention
is that America was so
disorganized on PPE,
that nurses were wrapping
themselves up in garbage bags,
running around looking like
some kind of broke-ass Missy Elliots.
I mean, it's great that
you bought invaluable time
to launch a national mobilization,
but what would have been even better
was if you actually used
that invaluable time
to actually do the national mobilization.
Oh, and as for the seamless partnership
with America's governors,
I assume Pence is referring to
when Trump told Democratic governors
that they would only get help
if they were nice to him.
I mean, I guess that's
a seamless partnership.
The same way when a
guy walks into the bank
and tells someone to put
the money in the bag,
they put the money in the bag. #teamwork
Now, to be fair, Mike Pence did admit
that America hasn't
completely solved coronavirus,
but then he got mad that Joe Biden
said finishing the job
would take actual work.
- Now last week,
Joe Biden said that no miracle is coming.
Well, what Joe doesn't seem to understand
is that America is a nation of miracles
(audience applauds)
and I'm proud to report
that we're on track
to have the world's first safe,
effective coronavirus vaccine
by the end of this year.
(audience applauds)
- Wow, what a miracle.
We might be getting the
vaccine at some point
and only 200,000 people had to die first.
Take that Joe Biden.
(upbeat music)
The final night of the
Republican National Convention,
also known as the place
where Facebook comments come to life.
And this was the night that
everyone was waiting for,
the acceptance speech of
Donald "Just the Tip" Trump.
But before the speech even started,
we got this incredible moment
between Trump's first lady and Melania.
♪ An American ♪
♪ Where at least I know I'm free ♪
- Oh my God, did you guys see that?
Play it again.
♪ An American ♪
♪ Where at least I know I'm free ♪
- God damn!
As soon as Ivanka walked by,
Melania's smile disappeared
faster than all the black face episodes
of all your favorite sitcoms
and it's moments like these
that just add more fuel
to the rumors that Melania
does not like Ivanka.
And look, I don't blame her.
I mean, after all, Ivanka's the one
who's in charge of tackling Melania
when she makes a run for it.
No wonder they got bad blood.
But once the traditional exchange
of fake smiles was complete,
President Trump descended
the majestic stairs
of the White House,
walked up to the podium,
and then delivered the
longest, most boring,
low-energy Jeb Bush ass
speech of his entire life.
Damn, that shit was boring.
And I would be so pissed off
if I was one of the
people in the audience,
because if I'm sitting in a crowd,
risking catching coronavirus
to watch a Trump speech,
God damn it, I want a Trump speech.
I wanna hear his plans
for locking Hillary up
while chugging hydroxychloroquine.
I want him to accuse Nancy Pelosi
of creeping into your houses at night,
turning up your air conditioning
and stealing your blankets.
I want to see him hold up a big case
of ten-year-old Trump steaks,
say that they're the real cure for corona,
and then start throwing
them into the crowd,
paper-towel style.
But this speech, man,
this speech was like
going to a NASCAR race
and watching the cars
parallel park for three hours.
Where's the crash?
Honestly, it was really weird
because say what you want about Trump,
the one thing we all know about the man
is that he can give exciting speeches
that hold people's attention.
So, why now, with one of
the most important speeches
he will ever have to give
did Trump resort to
reading the Wikipedia entry
for history of the 19th century?
- Our American ancestors
sailed across the
perilous ocean to build...
These pioneers didn't have money...
Climbed into their covered wagons
and set out west for the next adventure...
Davy Crockett and Buffalo...
Cowboys and sheriffs...
They pressed on past the Mississippi...
Built the great ships,
raised up the skyscrapers...
From Normandy to Iwo Jima...
And we did it all with
style and confidence...
We built a 6 million pound rocket
and launched it thousands
of miles into space...
Together, we are unstoppable.
Together, we are unbeatable.
(lullaby music)
- Huh? What?
No, I'm, I'm, I'm
listening, I'm listening.
People, what the hell was that?
Like, I don't know what was worse,
the perilous journey
that those pioneers faced
trekking across the country
or having to sit through
Trump telling us about it.
I mean, the last people that
told stories that boring
were the actual pioneers
and that's because the only
other things they could do
were chop wood or die.
It's like Trump turned Oregon
Trail into an audio book.
And by the time the speech was over,
I bet half the people in the
audience died of dysentery.
So, now we know, President
Trump is a terrible president,
but we also know that he'd be
an even worse substitute history teacher.
Sometimes, you gotta know
when to just play the
"Space Jam" DVD, man.
Give up.
But still, if anyone managed to stay awake
during Trump's 70 minute
Ben Carson impersonation,
they might have picked
up on one major theme.
You see, for months, Trump has been saying
that sleepy Joe Biden is
too weak to run America,
but he's also been saying
that Joe Biden is a radical socialist
who's going to destroy America.
But how can both of those be true?
Well, now, he's figured it out.
Sleepy Joe Biden is so weak
that other radical socialists
will destroy America for him.
- Joe Biden is weak.
He takes his marching orders
from liberal hypocrites
who drive their cities into the ground
while fleeing far from
the scene of the wreckage.
Make no mistake, if you
give power to Joe Biden,
the radical left will
defund police departments
all across America.
If Joe Biden doesn't have the strength
to stand up to wild-eyed Marxists,
like Bernie Sanders and
his fellow radicals,
and there are many, there are many, many,
we see 'em all the time.
It's incredible, actually.
Then, how is he ever going to
stand up for you? He's not.
Biden is a Trojan horse for socialism.
- Oh, the Trojan Horse of Socialism,
sounds terrifying.
In fact, they should turn it into a movie.
- [Male Voice] Wow, look at
the amazing, totally harmless,
and almost certainly empty giant horse.
- [Male Voice] Now we can attack the city
and give them all universal healthcare.
- [Male Voice] Find their women
and give them paid maternity leave.
- [Male Voice] Prepare to
have your minimum wage raised.
- Huh, not as scary as I thought.
Seriously though, it's
starting to feel like,
be scared of the socialists
is becoming the Republicans' only move,
which honestly is just getting old.
You know, it's like the GOP
is that one friend of
yours in Street Fighter
who just did the chopping
thing the entire time.
(electronic game music)
You're not playing the game, Justin!
But in a way, the biggest message
that Trump sent last night
wasn't in anything that
he said at all, no,
it was in the setting of the speech
and that message was
coronavirus ain't shit.
- [Reporter] The south
lawn of the White House
converted into a packed convention floor,
nearly 2,000 supporters,
no social distancing and very few masks.
- [Reporter] You're
seeing people shake hands,
hug, greet each other like
it would be in normal times.
- [Reporter] It's almost
as if he is trolling people
who are concerned about testing
and masks and the coronavirus.
- [Reporter] What happened
last night was dangerous.
It was in violation of the
president's administration's
own health guidelines.
Most people were not tested.
This was something that
indeed could become
a super spreader event.
- Yes, even in a pandemic,
Trump needed to have a packed crowd.
I mean, look at that.
The only empty seat is Herman Cain's
and it wasn't just the pack crowd,
practically nobody wore a mask
and practically nobody was tested.
Trump basically decided his speech
was gonna kill one way or another.
In fact, the only guest
required to wear a face mask
was Stephen Miller and that
wasn't coronavirus related.
I guess the one silver lining
is that Trump's speech was so boring,
that there was no risk
that anybody would spread
droplets by cheering.
But, in many ways,
this is Trump's coronavirus
response in a nutshell.
His top priority isn't health or safety.
His top priority is making
Donald Trump look good.
Nearly 4,000 Americans died
during the four nights of the RNC,
but Trump won't let that get in the way
of a good TV backdrop.
In fact, when asked about
the lack of precautions at the speech,
a White House official said,
"Everybody is going to catch
this thing eventually."
And if that's the attitude
of the White House,
then I'm disappointed
because the Trump I know doesn't quit.
When he had an affair with Stormy Daniels,
he didn't just go,
"Well, everybody's gonna
know about this eventually."
No, he paid her off. He signed NDAs.
He did everything he
could to make her go away.
In fact, maybe we should get Trump
to bang COVID-19,
then we know he'll shut it down.
(upbeat music)
