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English: 
[ intro music ]
DarkViperAU: Hello everyone, welcome to Pacifist% part 3.
Quick disclaimer before we begin:
This video contains pacifism of such levels that it may be lethal to small children or those with a heart condition.
I'm not a doctor, how would I know?
With that out of the way, first up in this episode we have to go help the local "cosmologist" Tonya.
Tonya: "I got a certificate in cosmology."
Franklin: "What, you goin' into space now?"
Tonya's attitude towards quitting drugs is exactly the same as my attitude
when it comes to quitting video games and making something of my life.
Tonya: "I mean, you know, I quit. You know what I'm saying? Almost."
Franklin: "Yeah, whatever."
DarkViperAU: This side mission, "Pulling Favors", is the only side mission that is required to beat the game.
So, you'd assume that it would showcase the best of the best of what side missions have to offer.

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English: 
Now, dear viewer, listen carefully because this quickly becomes complicated.
First, you go to a place. Then, you go pick up a thing. Then, you bring that thing back to the place.
Tonya: "I'll see you on the block. Anything you need - "
I feel like we should take a moment to reflect upon the impressive achievements that
Rockstar has made in game design. But
first, I need to ask, why the fuck is this in the game?
Personally, I don't know why
Rockstar didn't just end the game there.
You know, on a high note. But they did add some more missions for some reason so I have to persevere.
Next, we move into the mission "Chop" which was likely named to commemorate
the chopping up of the single player DLC to make microtransaction content for GTA online.
Franklin: "Shit, that hurt."

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English: 
DarkViperAU: So, in the mission "Chop", Lamar decides that he and Franklin should go and kidnap a random gang member.
Rather than planning something out, perhaps using the element of surprise, they just wing it
and go ask him if he wants to be kidnapped and he rudely says no.
D: "Fuck you, I'm outta here!"
Lamar: "Come on, let's go!"
DarkViperAU: This mission gives us, the player, valuable life lessons. Like a shitbox van, of course, can keep up with a sports bike.
And a fat guy versus a Rottweiler - of course the fat guy is gonna outdistance that dog.
Franklin: "Ey, stop and save yourself a tetanus shot dog!"
DarkViperAU: So yeah, obviously all
of this is quite silly. But, look how action packed this scene is!
I could lose him at any moment.
Oh no! He is getting away.

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English: 
Damn. Foiled by the power of cutscenes once again.
In the speedrun of this game, you are forced to kill this dog so that it doesn't cost you time by distracting Chop.
But thankfully, this is Pacifist% so I can let the doggo live.
[ ding ]
I can't open the correct door until Chop
gets there so there's nothing to do but wait.
[ sound of sliding down a ladder ]
I, for one, think that this gay dog sex
scene was instrumental for GTA 5 to be
considered the masterpiece that it is today. I just can't see how it would have
been rated as highly as it was upon release if it wasn't for this particular scene.
So we finally kidnap the guy, but
unfortunately Lamar uses his phone.
Franklin: "What the fuck you done done? You just gave them our location."
DarkViperAU: But hey, here's a thought, if you've given away your current location, why not then

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just move to a different location?
D: "Fuck y'all! I'll be seein' y'all soon!"
DarkViperAU: And so, this weirdly ends the mission where I had to kill no one.
So chop gets a perfect rating of gay dog sex out of ten.
The next mission is "Complications" which involves a bunch of difficulties arising
that prevent us from doing what we want to do. If only there was a name for that.
Simeon: "That boy. I am his mentor. I am so proud of you."
Simeon asks us to go repossess a vehicle
from Jizzle who is late on his payments,
mentioning that we might have to break into the house to get the vehicle.
Simeon: "So good to see you, my boy."
As I'm not a moron, I wait until nighttime to break into the house,
because clearly everyone will be asleep and I'll have the least trouble.
Much to my dismay, it appears as though this gardener is very commited to his job,
as he's blowing away leaves at half past midnight.
Jimmy: "Trying to knife attack me?"

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English: 
DarkViperAU: Oh, come on now, Rockstar, I could buy someone gardening after midnight but playing video games that late?
Unheard of.
Unfortunately, in the process of repossessing the vehicle we startle Michael into existence.
Michael: "That's a nine millimeter semi automatic, pushed against your skull."
DarkViperAU: Michael not only forces us to drive to Simeon's dealership,
but he also forces us to go through the fucking window.
[ glass shattering ]
Franklin: "Shitty situations dog!"
Simeon: "Franklin! What the fuck are you doing!"
DarkViperAU: After Michael generously gives Franklin $15, we all finally get to see what we came here for:
Two guys in their mid-40's throwing down.
However, in the spirit of pacifism, I wanted to see if I could beat Simeon without directly melee'ing him.
[ Michael and Simeon grunting ]
Michael: "I spit on punks like you!"
DarkViperAU: Simeon's fighting stance prevented me from just running into him to knock him over,

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English: 
and rag-dolling into him didn't seem to be having any effect.
I wanted to try some different tactics outside, but Simeon was scripted to stay inside at all costs.
Eventually, I found that I could trick him by moving away from one of his melee hits.
He would even lose his fighting stance so I could just run into him to knock him over.
Simeon: "Will you give me some space here?"
[ Simeon grunting ]
Simeon: "Look where you're going!"
[ Simeon grunting, traffic noises ]
Simeon: "Just my luck. Where are your manners?"
DarkViperAU: I couldn't get in any vehicles, I couldn't get any pedestrians to help, the Ammunation was closed and
pushing things into Simeon didn't seem
to have any effect.
Simeon: "Tell me I'm dreaming."
Simeon: "Can I at least get a sorry?"
DarkViperAU: And so, after all that I was left with only one option.

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English: 
To hit a man in the face whose only crime was his commitment to his job that led him to work until 1 a.m.
[ One Punch Man theme plays ]
Simeon: "You fucking racist."
Michael: "Don't make me have to come back here."
DarkViperAU: And the moral of the story is always practice a sensible work-life balance.
Another mission down. Nobody died, so we are really living out this pacifist dream.
We now move into the next mission
"Father/Son" where Franklin is quite
aggrieved that he has now lost his job and all he has to show for it is fifteen fucking dollars.
Franklin: "Man, I come by for that drink you offered. That's all."
Michael: "I wasn't really serious about that."
Franklin: "What?"
DarkViperAU: Holy shit! This might be the cheapest motherfucker on the planet.
Franklin: Shit, I just came by to see
if there's something I can help you with.
DarkViperAU: Hold on, Franklin, what are you offering here? Look man, there's other ways to make money.
Just talk to Tonya. Wait, don't talk to Tonya.

English: 
Franklin: "I see you doing well for yourself."
Michael: "I tell you what. There's a little bar I like. It's not too far from here. Let's go."
Franklin: "Alright man, I'm following you."
DarkViperAU: Whatever it was that Franklin and Michael were going to do, it is interrupted by Jizzle who calls and says that he's in trouble.
Jizzle is hiding out in the back of a boat.
While he was trying to sell it, it was stolen by the very same people he was selling it to.
Michael: "There, there it is! That's my boat!"
DarkViperAU: Rather than doing, I don't know, literally anything else,
Franklin decides to jump on the back of
a boat from a moving vehicle.
Michael: "Oh, crap!"
DarkViperAU: Franklin easily throws off the first enemy.
Michael: "Hey, stop throwing assholes at me!"
DarkViperAU: The second enemy, on the other hand, is a bit more of a problem.
Franklin: "Shoot this motherfucker in the face already!"
DarkViperAU: Did this guy not read the rules?

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English: 
Motherfucker, this is Pacifist%, not Shoot People In The Motherfucking Face%.
Unfortunately, Franklin is unable to help himself and thus, he dies.
All my attempts to knock off this enemy by hitting the boat or stopping the boat were completely futile.
Different camera modes didn't help me
either.
Just out of curiosity, I drove in cinematic mode just close enough to the boat to not mission fail
but not close enough to progress from the first enemy. All I achieved was a goofy never-ending struggle.
Michael: "FUUUUUUUUUCK."
[ grunting ]

English: 
Ilya: "It's only game. Why you have to be mad?"
Alas, left with no other alternative, I had to kill the second enemy myself and I couldn't even
melee him so I had to shoot him with my pistol.
[ ding ]
Thankfully after picking up Jimmy, the remaining two enemies fall off all on their own.
Jimmy: "Dad!"
Michael: "Don't 'Dad' me you little shit!"
DarkViperAU: We get Franklin off the boat, the boat gets away and we end up back at Michael's.
Franklin: "Jimmy ain't it? Or James?"
Jimmy: "Jimmy. Or just like.. Jizzle?"
[ ding ]
DarkViperAU: And so ends "Father/Son".
Unfortunately, we did have to shoot one guy, thus our running total is two melee and two shots.
And with that the episode is unfortunately over. Thanks for watching. I hope you're still enjoying it.
As usual, I will continue to justify dedicating the time to make this series as long as you
guys seem to suggest that you like it. Furthermore, if you're interested I have

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a giveaway for $100 USD in my pinned comment. I hope you're all doing well.
[ Kairi's theme plays ]
subtitles by ranbara :) <3 u

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