at home guess what's happening we're
reading our partner all the time and
you're making interpretations and making
meaning out of what you're seeing and
sometimes the meaning is spot-on and
most of the time it's totally off
 
thanks again for tuning into our second
act with Paige and Silke we are coming
back for one more segment with Marla
Mattenson the relationship and intimacy
expert who has already given us
absolutely fabulous advice we will link
to our previous segments Marla
thanks so much for joining us again
thank you
this is I'm excited about this one well
I couldn't let you go without without
this discussion I've always been
fascinated with body language what it
says about us what what other people you
know what it says about them and how it
affects us you know what how we can
utilize that for our detriment or our
benefit so let's discuss what you know
what we may be saying with our body
language that is hurting our
relationships yes so let me put a little
context in here for everyone so you can
imagine being at a party being at some
event and you can look around the room
and you can feel into oh those people
feel interesting I want to go hang out
with those people or oh those people
over there or that person I think I'm
gonna stay away from that person and
what is that you can't hear the
conversation you don't actually know
what's happening but you're reading
something more than the words and that's
body language and nonverbal
communication and so there have been
studies done on this about 93% of the
information we take in as humans is
coming through nonverbal meaning no
words communication that means tone of
voice you can tell what's happening in
someone by their tone of voice by their
facial expressions by how they're
holding their body you know if you if
you say oh I want to work with that
person because they're really confident
they're probably not walking around like
hunched over and like a little like this
they're probably a little bit more open
in their heart and expressed with a
smile you know and just soft eyes and so
we're reading people all the time well
guess what at home guess what's
happening we're reading our partner all
the time and they're reading us and what
happens is we don't realize it but we
have a filter that we view the world
through so even though your partner may
have this weird
look on their face and what they're
actually thinking is is you know let's
say they're thinking god I wonder what
time the games on tonight okay but you
interpret that look that you've seen
before in other people in your family or
other relationships and you interpret
that look as god I'm really unhappy
right now and then you wonder wait is
that about me is that you know is young
what's happening and it sends us down
this spiral of wondering oh my gosh am i
okay in this relationship and that's
just one little minor example but we do
this all the time
especially when you're living with your
partner when you're living together
you're constantly reading each other's
energetic field you're reading each
other's body language and you're making
interpretations and making meaning out
of what you're seeing and sometimes the
meaning is spot-on
and most of the time it's totally off
and so I like to say if you think you
know what's going on for your partner
ask ask anyway and just be curious say
hey babe I you know I just noticed you
had this kind of this look on your face
are you feeling angry or upset and all
you know and if they say no I'm not at
all then you go oh okay I just wanted to
check in yeah though because that's the
other thing and a lot of women we tend
to ask our partners something we think
we know is true about them and we don't
let it go until they admit that they are
in fact upset right I see you laughing
are you upset about something - no i'm not - are you sure - those 3 words - are you sure - you need to
kill those from our vocabulary I learned
that a while ago that when I asked my
partner are you sure what it literally
does is it makes him go well am I sure
about something maybe I am upset about
something you know it's um let's just
take our partners words at face value
believe what they say not what you feel
is underneath it and that is one of the
most challenging things for women
if we feel the undercurrent of what's
going on and often times especially in
heterosexual relationships when you have
a man and a woman when a man says no I
don't feel that they might not be aware
of it but if you push them into it then
it's not coming from their own awareness
it's coming because you're forcing them
to look at something they might not be
ready to look at they might just miss
that whole piece of really taking it in
because you're forcing it and so for us
as women if we can let our partners
express themselves in the way that they
need to without us trying to help them
feel the whole undercurrent of what's
going on and articulate that then
everybody is happier in the relationship
and it starts with the body language the
interpretation of the body language yes
and and are there ways like we said on
an earlier segment that we can take sole
action in changing things I mean can we
use our body language to you know to
alter maybe the way we feel or certain
dynamics in our relationship yes I am so
glad you asked that question because one
thing that really helps in relationships
is that if you don't even change your
words or anything else if you want to
change the dynamic in your relationship
in a positive way when your partner asks
you a question and you're somewhere in
the house instead of just responding by
looking over your shoulder and yelling
or you know turning around in some way
actually walk over to your partner it
will it will completely blow their mind
walk over to your partner and stand
face-to-face heart to heart and be open
and say no what did you ask me
sweetheart I want to give you my full
attention I mean how many times do we do
that in our lives where we are we're
giving our partners a fraction of our of
our attention and when you make the
effort with your body language where you
are literally your heart is open and you
are standing with your partner face to
face and you're and you're smiling and
you're bright and you're curious they
will drink
in and they will then in return give you
more of what you're looking for in your
relationship it's such a tiny little
shift that has a huge impact and your
partner maybe in the beginning might be
like wait what what what's going on you
know cuz they're used to a tiny percent
of your attention but don't don't they
deserve to get more of your attention
absolutely I'm laughing you're gonna
laugh at this so I do that in the
kitchen
I'll be cooking and he'll be on the
couch and say something and then I'll go
to him I go oh and you know why because
I couldn't hear him because I you're
worried about my hearing and so I'm doing
something good so that's a benefit of
aging so if you're losing your hearing
now all of a sudden you're doing
something that really helps the body
language unintended consequences in a
positive way I love that and also you
know you can make a request you can say
hey sweetheart just FYI when I'm cooking
I would love if you have a question for
me
you could either if he loves technology
text me the question with some fun
emojis or or come into the kitchen and
then ask me directly in there cuz I
really have a hard time hearing you when
you yell something from the other room
so without making him wrong and without
doing it in the moment doing it before
dinner
you know before you're prepping dinner
before you're in the kitchen so that you
know he doesn't feel like oh now I did
something wrong ya know and I'm laughing
a little bit and again again we're we're
getting very close to the end and I want to
make sure I don't miss anything on body
language that people really need to take
away from this segment what what haven't
we covered you know I think the most
important thing to take away is that we
misinterpret our partner all the time
and don't even realize it because we're
looking through our own filter of how we
move through the world or about what we
would do or how what we would be
thinking but instead of just assuming
because you're witnessing your partner
in this body position or you're
witnessing them doing a frown on their
face or they
you're witnessing something that looks
real to you don't assume that that is
actually what's going on with your
partner ask them what's going on and if
they say no it's not that it's this just
believe them just believe that yeah you
know let let it be it's very very
helpful
yeah but folded arms and turned away you
can pretty much know something something
is happening their arms are folded and
they're turned away you know for some
people that's because they need to
protection they feel that they're being
attacked and so they need some
protection and and in the solar plexus
area here is our power center and so
when we want to protect our power center
we tend to cross our arms and sometimes
people will put their hand on their
chest that's another protective
technique you know or they put their
hand on their face or they you know they
put their hand over their mouth and
they're there they're you know limiting
their expression when they're doing that
and so there's all these things that are
happening subconsciously and yes if
you're an expert in this area like I am
you can make meaning out of it but even
still I ask yeah I am I'm if I saw my
partner like this I would say hey babe
um it's making me feel it's making me
feel uncomfortable that you've got your
arms crossed because I'm interpreting
that as you feel you need some
protection from me is that actually true
yeah yeah you know would you say in
closing that if you want your partner to
be more open with you just by you having
open arms or open you know as you said
earlier you're turning towards them I
mean are is there some simple body
language advice just to invite people to
be or that or that you be more engaging
more approachable there's two things
exactly what you just mentioned so the
openness and the heart openness in the
face that's number one your actual body
and physical language and the other is
your tone of voice so how we use our
tone of voice and this is I think this
is one of the hardest things for people
is that we don't realize our tone of
voice is delivering a message that's
different than the words we're using so
if you are genuinely loving and curious
with your partner see if you can make
sure your tone of voice matches that
because what happens if we're activated
is we use a tone of voice like my mom's
tone of voice comes out which is very
you know authoritarian when unactivated
and then sounds controlling and then
that activates Julian's material around
not wanting to be wrong not wanting to
be controlled and there we go down the
you know the hole again so a lot of
this is about communication about what's
actually happening inside of you so the
the first step and everything is always
awareness how aware can you be that
you're upset about something that you're
viewing in your partner and then what
can you do you know into with your own
body language and one other thing is if
you typically are more loud open and
gregarious try doing something a little
more opposite be a little softer be a
little more relaxed right and if you're
more quiet and shy and a little more
introverted try to be a little more out
there and so doing something a little
bit novel new a little different is
gonna activate different neurons to fire
in your brain and in the brain of your
partner and that always helps generate
more curiosity and more juiciness
together
well Marla you gave us tons of stuff to
think about and it's exactly the
information I want to put out there's so
many people struggling in relationships
especially at this point in their life
so again I will link to all of your
information you have wonderful tools
helpful tools and tips on your website
people can also engage you directly if
they so choose and I hope to have you
back soon on our second act with Paige
and Silke thank you Marla thank you so much
 
for more love and relationship advice
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