[Inspector] The moment I
 walked out of headquarters
and started across the street,
-[vehicle approaching]
 -I knew that something
 was wrong.
Even the simple act of getting
 on an elevator gave me
 a peculiar sensation.
[thuds]
[Inspector]
 For some strange reason,
 I didn't feel quite right.
 It even got so I was afraid
 to smoke one of my favorite
 after-dinner cigars for fear,
 you know, it would explode.
[explodes]
[Inspector]
 Huh, So I stuck
 to my trusty old pipe.
 I finally decided
 to see a psychiatrist.
Tell me,
what seems to be troubling you?
-I'm beginning to suspect
that I might be accident-prone.
-[chair creaks]
[creaks]
-Oh, yes.
-[Inspector crashes]
You do have a problem.
[Inspector] As I was saying,
Doctor, I need help.
[Inspector]
 After two weeks
 and 5000 francs,
 the Doctor reached
 a conclusion.
Someone is trying
to get rid of you.
[Inspector] Ah!
 What a relief it was to have
 the mystery solved.
 I felt free
 as a bird in flight.
-[laughs cunningly]
-[Inspector crashes]
 Suddenly, everything came
 into focus.
The priceless du Barry diamond
 was to be exhibited publicly
 and the jewel thieves
 were in Paris to steal it.
 I alone knew where
 the diamond was hidden,
 and I was keeping it
 under my hat.
 They knew the only way
 they could get that diamond
 would be over my dead body.
Kept to my eyes, my ears, open.
 As a precaution,
 I rented a mine detector
 to check out my pad,
 you know, for a booby trap.
[machine beeps rapidly
and stops]
Ah! Just as I suspected.
[Inspector]
 I was pleasantly surprised,
 you know,
 when I learned that
 the famous movie star
 Melody Mercurochrome
 and her maid were in the room
 next to mine.
[chuckles softly]
 I decided to, uh,
 get acquainted.
Stealing the diamond
will be a cinch,
but first we must get rid
of that stupid copper.
[telephone rings]
[softly] Hello? [kisses]
Good morning,
beautiful neighbor.
How about the joining me
for a candlelight dinner
for two, eh?
I'll be right over.
We'll split a pizza together.
[kisses]
Now go get him,
you know what to do.
Don't worry, darling.
I will finish him off.
Pizza? Where do I find
a pizza in Paris?
[maid shouting] Pizza! Pizza!
Get your red-hot pizza here!
What a coincidence,
a strolling pizzeria!
Pizza!
Fill her up, mamma mia!
And keep the change!
[humming a tune]
-[crackling]
-Yipe!
[explodes]
You! You a bumbling fool!
You goofed up the job.
Now, I want him out of the way
before morning.
 Oui. All right, Melody,
you are the boss.
[in male voice]
I could work much better
if I didn't have to wear
this maid outfit!
Our time is running out!
We must destroy him at once!
Don't panic,
I'm going to give him the bird.
[laughs cunningly]
It's a mechanical homing pigeon
that lays golden bombs.
-I simply press this button...
-[tweeting]
And off he goes!
Right on target.
[knocks at the door]
Well? I don't hear
no boom-booms.
Don't worry, you will.
[tweeting]
[lid creaks]
[explosion]
[sirens approaching]
[Inspector] Well,
 the thieves blew the job
 right there.
 The next day,
 I delivered the diamond
 right on schedule.
Good morning, sir.
It was
a frightening experience,
but here is the diamond.
Safe and sound.
Thank you, Inspector,
but I had the real diamond
all the time.
Yours was a fake. [laughs]
I hope that your feelings
aren't hurt.
Oh, no, of course not.
As a matter of fact,
I have a little gift for you.
A golden pigeon egg.
How interesting!
[explosion]
I hope that your feelings
aren't hurt.
Every feeling in my body hurts.
[theme music playing]
