get me wrong right don't get me wrong
it's just a monogamy it's really long
guys right and I get from an
evolutionary point of view it's better
for us to be paired up to do the basic
things in life you know like raise
children or collect air miles I get that
but I just feel like I've got so many
Wild Oats so I want to know I know some
of you might think that's quite a male
turn of phrase uh uh not true I got oats
babe, I got oats for days
I got so many backed up oats I could shit a flapjack
and I get that not all women feel that
way I understand not women are madly into sex
I've got plenty of girlfriends who
are like oh god Steve's birthday tomorrow
fingers crossed a documentary about
sharks comes on and he gets distracted
but I've always been quite sexually aware but
it's never translated into what I would call
you know a slaggy period so I feel like ive got a lot of
what inner banging that I need to get out of my system
beause I really haven't slept with
many people I really haven't so in my 22
years on this planet plus another ten
years
I have only slept with six people which
isn't very many
So I've got to the point where my friends are sleeping with
so many more guys they're having to keep
lists to keep track oh my god imagine
being that sexually experienced it involves admin
Maths and Excel spreadsheets
I could get behind
honestly I know girls from school who've outscored me on
a single trip to the toilet
in the slug and lettuce
So the reason I haven't set as many people
is because when I was younger I suffered
from this condition where I would go out
with knobheads for years at a time
like the last one
total disaster right we had nothing in
common so I'm from Essex born in Basildon
and this guy was super posh he had more
middle names and I've had sexual
partners right so eventually I broke up
with him and I was like for the first
time in my life I couldn't have my
slaggy period so I made a pact with
myself that the first hot guy that I
bumped into I was gonna chat up and
seduce right so this happened a few days
later I was in a lift in central London
hot guy got in the lift with me I saw him
I thought hello victim numero uno
let get this party started
I hope you like flapjacks
pockets in the lit he presses level one
we're only on the ground floor he's only
going up one level lazy so I think Ellie
say something
flirty to him so I said you're only
going up one level lazy
either got it or you haven't guys right hot guy laughs
I'm like oh here we go
Shag Shag Shag. Bang Bang Bang. Oat Oats Oats
hot guy puts out his hand to introduce
himself says hi my name's Phil and six years later I married him
doctor did get
quite worried about me he was like
Aisling you're going to have to get out
of the house during the day and I was
like doc I'd love to but my naps are not
going to take themselves soz
but my mother was equally worried she was like
Ashley just try and get out of the house
and maybe do some exercise build up your
strength and your muscle do a bit of
exercise but I actually find it highly
offensive that my mother would suggest
that I do exercise because she knows
that I actually suffer from a terrible
disability which prevents me from doing
any exercise which is where I can't
I can't be arsed I can't be arsed I really just can't be arsed
I just kinda can't be and I would love
to be arsed I would love to be one of
those people who's naturally arsed to do
things but I just sort of can't be and I
mean my disability affects me in so many
ways my ability to clean the bottom of
the dustbin, ring my auntie's back at
Christmas I would love to but I just
sorta can't be arsed to. I mean I just
don't like moving too much I would sort
of rather sit in the couch and waste
away than move I don't really like
moving too much I don't even listen to
sad music in case I'll be moved and I
think the reason that I don't like
exercise is because the school I went to
didn't have much money so the sports
facilities weren't great and so a lot of
the sort of Sport and Exercise we used
to do used to leave us really pregnant
really pregnant it's just not there it
really isn't and I would love to be I
would love to be in to exercise and
stuff but I just can't be arsed I'll be
honest I did get tricked into going to
Pilates class because I thought it was
pronounced pilots 15 minutes I wonder
why they're going to let us fly the
planes my friend Broner suggested that I
do something social like ping-pong table
tennis ping pong - I mean I just the
ball moves too fast I can never see it
to me ping pong just looks like two
perverts spanking a ghost and my
flatmates death is American she's
American and she's always doing this
thing called running rolling for those
of you don't know what running is it's
something that you would naturally do
only when you're being chased I'd I
don't understand it staff is always just
going for a run she's always just going
for a run unless I'm being chased by
something terrible there's no natural
panic in my legs that makes me want to
go any faster than this a sort of
whimsical saunter that's kind of run by
me but Steph's always just heading out
the door going for a run
okay I'm just gonna go for a run go for
a run I'm just gonna go for a run stiff
get such a pose out of going for a run
got two days later she'll do it again
complicated like Marvin hikes I supposed
to be two ends of the spectrum but the
get mingled like love can come from hate
how is that possible it is I love peanut
butter because an ex of mine is allergic
to nuts and every time I eat peanut
butter I imagine him dying
yum-yum-yum always throw to be closing
up right about now yeah this is an aside
and I wasn't gonna tell you this but I
like you okay I think nut allergies is
gonna be the thing that wipes us up do
you mean like you know any friends are
you talking about it like who's gonna be
climate change or it's gonna be me too
right now my money's I'm not allergies
because we weren't allergic to nuts and
now we are right and every year gets
worse and worse more and more kids
delicious nuts and over time eventually
everyone's gonna lose each other and
then at some point everyone on the
planet will be allergic to nuts and
we're nuts figure that out we are fucked
do you think it is a coincidence that
sartet is one letter away from satan
what
that is the dumbest thing ever and
there's been quite a lot of time
thinking about trying to have less hate
in my life it's a very scary time to be
alive but there's some stuff no matter
how hard I try I can't like I will
always hate getting up early always
forever right
every morning would have to get up early
this is how I do it I still have an
alarm clock right retro right my lung
goes off and I go what snooze
because alarm and snooze are like good
cop bad cop in the mornings because
alarm is like get out of bed now and
snooze is like don't worry about him I'm
on your side you're gonna have a great
day I mean you'll be late
hmm we take another eight minutes you
deserve it you're so pretty when you're
sleeping and hate actually led me to
unlock a secret of the universe
genuinely hate led me to the best
thought I'm ever gonna have in my whole
life from hate and the thing I was
hating with a very simple thing it was
toe rings simple thing I hate them I
hate them more than I should hate I say
I hate them I think it's because I hate
feet I think feet are disgusting and
whenever I see a toe ring I think okay
what you're doing there is you are
taking an already gross toe and you're
trying to make it look like a tiny
faceless man with a hairy chest wearing
a belt stop
stop it so let's try I have less hate in
my life so like right I'm gonna figure
this out so I set my slack I'm like
let's break it down why do we have
touring so we've invented them who's
buying him what's the point of them and
then I thought oh shit guys you know tie
rings they are rings that we wear on our
toes then we have reams earrings rings
people wear inner ears yeah eyebrow
rinks nose rings belly button rings but
these ones rings because if these ones
were called finger rings
make weddings pretty awkward with this
fingering I make proposal stories really
awkward oh my god so last night John
came over and out of nowhere just gave
me the most incredible fingering I know
and immigrant feeling going on around
the world right now I'm an immigrant to
America
my mother was immigrant from Nigeria to
England when you had kids in a different
country you're a lot more ambitious for
your kids you want your kids to do well
because my mom was super ambitious fast
super ambitious loud in an African
family and the Africans in and the
Africans that's just white people not
you just you've got four choices of
Korea doctor lawyer engineer disgrace to
the family
my mom picked all our jobs before we
were born
well my mom was pregnant with me someone
my not - I was what we haven't she's
like I'm having a doctor she picked my
subjects to school I was gonna be a
doctor got as far as a level biology and
you had to cut open a rack let's cut the
rack and I discovered I couldn't stand
the sight of blood or anything vaguely
biological just had to switch it up as
that mom had to tell my mom the doctor
thing wasn't gonna work out it was all
right I said I'm gonna be an engineer
and my mom was like engineer it is on
the list okay
and then she turns to my younger brother
you gotta that's how I ran in my family
she wasn't impressed when I decide to
become a comedian that conversation
didn't go very well cuz I was an
engineer worked as an engineer for years
nice to work for Otis repairing lifts
that's what I did
my mom was proud yes my daughter she's
at ng yeah and then I left that and
decided to become a comedian my mom was
not impressed
she's a comedy
but luckily for me within six months of
starting comedy I got on this talent
show called the big big talent show
hosted by Jonathan Ross Ganesha so cool
my mom was like mama I've got this big
talent show it's gonna be on TV I'm
fooling the quarterfinals on my mom's
all yeah that's good very good
interesting very good call me when you
get to the final I'm not interesting
call me for the fine
so sure enough I've got food to the
final film live on television life
John's from Ross is hosting and uh my
mom comes down with her entourage
because my mum does not travel without a
Nigerian entourage so I do my set
Jonathan Ross is interviewing me after
my set and he sees my mum and the
audience which was not hard to spot
people white people white people and
then a bank of African royal teachers
so Jenna from points to my mama because
it's at your mom Gina's mom is in the
audience and I swear to god my mom stood
up like this
yes that is right and the reason and the
clown is Here I am I always lose - it's
going to be a clown three I bought her
the big shoes
so my mama D comes after the big shows
she only comes out for the big shows and
in fact my mom is here tonight
I am a mother my daughter's father and I
are not together anymore but we are
still really good friends is a lie I
tell to protect her we are not good
friends I take her everywhere I go and
she's such a cool kid she's called
violet she's 6 years old I took her to a
charity event a little while ago it was
a youth homeless charity and I went
because Prince Harry would be there and
I am normally not allowed within a
hundred yards of that fine man and it
was full of posh people and I've learned
that posh people think that only other
posh people care about them because they
had a young man speak and he himself was
once homeless I thought great we're
gonna see some real world stuff not
eighteen year old boy comes up to the
microphone three-piece suit he's like
yeah so like a year ago my parents were
totally micromanaging my life they
stayed on friends couches and in summer
homes I was utterly homeless
not homeless unless the couch smells of
piss and is outside a Tesco Metro
they've held my trust funds do you have
any idea how difficult it is to be on a
juice cleanse when you're homeless
I looked around the room trying to find
the eyes of anyone else who hated this
prick nothing they're all like he sounds
bad
there was silence in the room as he took
a drink and my six-year-old goes white
people
and he wasn't even white it's such a
beautiful thing when a child can look
beyond someone's skin color see the
white inside of him
hate it if they have come all the way
from Brighton what this haircut is about
might be a new face sir for some of you
people um don't panic the BBC invited me
here because they they needed a beige
lesbian so I'm just here to take some
boxes not your box madam just just a
metaphorical box
I'm half Spanish that's what's happening
there I've got a Spanish mum and she
lives here in the UK it's all very legal
she's even more than the UK than she's
ever lived in Spain but the brilliant
thing about my mom is that she's never
lost to accent she's nobody really just
at least not so well she cannot
pronounce Russia cannot pronounce huh my
favorite word that my mom's never been
able to pronounce is my brother's name
the difficult aim is named Stephen
Spanish people any word that begins with
the letter S they struggle right so my
mom doesn't call him Stephen she calls
him if demon
what's his name um demon is it isn't it
just Steven really could I know his name
he's my son eat this you don't mess with
my mom
she's not like British people here in
this country we can be point
passive-aggressive can't we
she's just very aggressive woman I don't
know man what my mom's everybody coped
in this country and I think it's because
like a lot of Mediterranean people she's
quite loud yeah she's got one volume
it's like this
whereas in this country particularly
middle class we tend to be low talkers
don't we like to raise our voices do we
and we just assumed that if you are
raising your voice well you're probably
worse for a washing machine broke down
the other week I could have done without
a washing machine breaking down a week
before Christmas because I'm not right
go to Curry's now I'll pop to Curry's
and I'll buy a new washing machine
because you know when you've got
something a bit crap to do you think if
I say pop that'll speed it up on it but
it doesn't pop nip and zip do not bend
time I'm just saying you know that you
would be better off clearing a morning I
got down to Curry's and there's hundreds
of washing machines because there are
aren't they because we live in the West
we live in the first world where we
celebrate choice but choice is only an
advantage if you're a decisive person
isn't it I'd prefer if there was a
choice of two a shit one and a slightly
better than shit one to create the
illusion of value for money I'd be quite
happy with that I didn't know I don't
like shopping I don't enjoy it as an
activity some people do but I don't I
get a bit overwhelmed I can't form
opinions especially if I'm with the past
the Nazis I don't
I can't decide on anything so I'm
looking at all these washing machines
thinking why I don't know so there are
when they sat in the car and I read
reviews of washing machines I don't want
to live where I'm reading a review of a
washing machine
I don't mind reading a review of a book
or a film but not a washing machine
who writes reviews of washing machines I
mean you get asked to write reviews most
days then you buy a thing they get your
email address and then they send you an
email you write little with you you'll
be a review review about that little bit
of shit you bought last Thursday little
bit shit you bought last this what your
feelings about it as a consumer how
would you write yeah let's say I'm all
your friends put the kettle on have a
cup of tea and think about how you feel
about that little bit of shit you bought
our Thursday my karma asked me to write
a review for his website as a reward you
want me to say bean brilliant flange
sprockets I flushed all night
right I bought a washing machine and it
lives with us now it's in our house but
I've got more choices to make because
it's got millions and millions of
settings on it it's got a sports washer
daily wash an eco washer power wash just
it's got an iron free option why would I
not choose that to iron it's got an
economy intense option that doesn't have
any meaning it has no meaning it's got a
hand wash option washing machine you're
a lazy bitch aren't ya
we are doing you take the weight off
your feet back
got passive-aggressive washing machine
silk wash option I haven't got that many
silks
nobody has I've never heard anybody
shouting I'm gonna do a cell wash
Oh so I tried online dating again
yeah right I mean I didn't last long I
was about ten days because I thought I
think online dating is a hoax man I'm
sorry I think it's a biggest online hope
since Nigeria got email scam they're
running people that have managed to
combine the internet and dating is gay
guys because they got Grindr okay let me
explain some people don't know about
Grindr okay so what is it's pretty
spectacular
if that tells gay guys how far they are
from another available gay man it's
awesome I was explaining this to a
friend and he was like so it's like a
tracker it's not it's not tracking
you're not hunting gay men scene in
Jurassic Park but the guy's going
through the jungle and then two gay guys
are gonna swoop in from either side
Novak clever girl but like an Aboriginal
man picking up some debris and just
going hmm
leather chaps rainbow flag their clothes
and the guys have to be registered on
the website to come up on the app you
can't just suddenly start using your
iPhone as the gaydar now you are
fabulous so I downloaded Grindr onto my
phone and as soon as I fired it up there
was 70 register guys within 10 meters of
me you know I was like do you remember
that scene in aliens where they're
surrounded 10 meters that's in the room
right I am reading it right they mostly
come out at night mostly if a massage is
a bit in a full body message where they
make you turn over on the table because
the tables are very narrow and I am not
over the last one had she held the towel
up a flip-flopper dog I was almost in
position when our eyes locked in the
mirrored wall at the end
my friend said to me that's not my worst
bit of a massage I said what's your
worst fish dad you're late the bit where
the pullian Nick heads down a little bit
I said well they'd have to do that with
me otherwise the Woodie had half me back
but I went for a massage with friend of
mine we were in the waiting area and the
woman came out and she said ladies
ladies ladies just to let you know that
on staff today we have a male massage
therapist now is wondering if either of
you would mind and my friend went I'll
have him you can always have the block
if you want but just let the finish a
question first and then say I suppose I
don't mind rather than I'll have this
huge beam and smile on her face so was
it a good massage she said oh yeah I
said that's good she said I felt his
erection it was my turn I'm not paying
if it's on extras his erection said yes
on me elbow don't know what your elbows
are like but mine is like rhinos skin to
tell what record with mine
excellent game show wouldn't it Coco not
caca not
wanting a door like and this might come
across overly mean I hope it doesn't but
it might come across that way I don't
like a skinny massage therapist the one
is that the moment it's about my size me
below a bit bigger I don't like the
skinny ones they've never said anything
to me but in my mind when they're
massaging me they're doing this
but I mean masters is an inner monologue
going on up here outside I'm the picture
of composure but in here it's going
crazy and it depends on where she starts
so she starts at the bar might be like
or tickly tickly feet takeo she's gone
up to pay I've got broken veins or light
that bit oh just cause to be funny too
close to be funny to me some lie and
they covered in happy snow white then
we're you've still yes
massage ends and she did what they
always do she she put on like a
chocolate diva which they always do this
on the end she said just relax there's
plenty of time there's no need for you
to rush please just stay relaxed there's
so much time just way to stay relaxed
there's no need fruit please just stay
relaxed but she didn't know is that I've
been dying for a fart for 40 minutes
they let out the loudest most trombonist
for you remember I was covered in oil
because I'm not very good at holidays
I'm really bad on holidays I always know
I need to get away from it all I just
want to get away from it all but the
truth is I need to get away from this
and when I get away from myself so well
again holidays I'm always disappointed
cuz I am still their same shitty brain
same shitty forts except now I'm covered
in turquoise jewelry with a head full of
corn rowing a sodding Solero I've got
the sexy news ladies and gentlemen this
year I was diagnosed with gall stones I
asked my doctor I said oh why have I got
GU stones anyway well because you've got
the 4s go on you guys fat open with it
you've got four to choose from as about
you alpha human being and put that one
in the middle
let's not make me bloody funny it goes
fat fair-skinned fertile and forty sods
up okay well I'm not 40 see a little
code there is a bit road actually
and he goes codes wrong mate you can't
miss that's for air so where were you
just said that's rubbish who taught your
medicine meatloaf say for I wouldn't ear
the forest but that is 5x I was like
what's the 5th one goes flatulence fair
enough yeah you're right there actually
so yeah so now I'm on sort of a health
kick I'm not I'm thinking about a health
kick it's enough in it I'm a very
unhealthy person very unhealthy
if you've ordered so much takeaway food
that you're embarrassed when the
delivery driver shows up genuinely I
live alone and I order so much food
I've started going oh
you know who's on there alone who knows
now here you go your hungry little
lunatic there you go and I'm a smoker
and it's just so boring being a smoke I
just wish they'd stop selling cigarettes
trying to give up takes up so much your
time the measures don't work you know
every year like we're raising the price
of cigarettes to deter the smoker and
it's like no when you raise the price of
cigarettes all you're doing is making
poor people not buy fruit that's all
that and the fingers latest one is
they've gone oh we're gonna cover it
with blank packaging that's the latest
one blank packaging oh no not blank
packaging please what will I do about my
photo of rotten teeth are bad for the
last 10 years and the thing is if they
use those tactics on something else it
was physically bad for you but you
weren't physically addicted to it would
totally work
if cheesecake became 17 pounds of packet
and they cover the packaging in face of
massive fat guts with mascara stain
tears the whole way down would have my
bloody cheesecake cuz I'm not addicted
to cheesecake I mean don't get me wrong
I like a bit of cheesecake
there's no addiction is it I've never
been drunk at a party at midnight gone
outside walked up to an absolute
stranger
la sorry to ask to be a pain about a
drink I'm trying to give up your spare
but cheesecake
Oh chase
one of two children I have a big brother
there is a year between me and my
brother and we're really competitive it
took me years to beat his pac-man score
and when I did he chased me out the
house down an alleyway wrestled me to
the ground gave me an almighty Chinese
burn completely ruined my wedding dress
and he got to an age where he'd play
with me to his paly we played buckaroo
and he got a real donkey to make it
harder for me I'll tell you what
operation was like I still got the scars
and he got to an age where he realized I
was a girl and it wasn't cool having a
little sister on the way to school he'd
make me walk ten paces behind him and we
weren't even married my brother is the
honeymoon baby the firstborn give me a
chair precious firstborn
you see the confidence of the firstborn
first funds know that very important
thing that you were created because two
people fell so madly in love with each
other that they decided to create a
human being out of that love first
Born's are made from love gimme cheer
people like me second born children we
were not made from love we are toys for
the first born sole reason we exist all
because we thought it'd be nice dreams
have company the job was a lot harder
than we anticipated and now they play
together it's lovely we go on holiday
hardly see the little twerps give me a
chip third born children not many photos
of you
my friends got three children she says
by the time the third comes along you
stick it in a bucket and give a bit of
barbed wire to chew on fourth or fifth
born children I'm sure you all have a
very strong network of friends it's not
easy to be the the big brother the big
sibling because there's a lot of
expectations when you're the older one I
understand that my brother at the age of
five would draw a picture and my dad
would go what is this a house and this
is the fact he's foreign and this is the
family why am i taller than the trees if
the Sun was that close we'd all be burnt
alive you have to work much harder than
this if you want your work to make it to
the fridge when you're in a new
relationship you'd all have had this
experience it's very exciting for
everyone else around you so people
always ask oh how's it going and it's
such a difficult question to answer now
how are you supposed to actually
describe the feeling of being in love
using language it doesn't come anywhere
near the truth at the beginning I used
to attempt to use analogies so people
will say oh how's it going and I would
say oh it's like I've always been a
plant but I used to be in a garden
center or a supermarket and a shelf and
now I'm in the garden and then you can't
say that to people
I've learned that so now what happens
people go all how's it going and I say
fine and but then we're friend the other
day she said well you don't seem very
happy and I said yeah that's because I'm
not with him I'm here with you
apparently that's very rude actually
Sarah it's very important that you stay
in contact with your friends but why
have got him now and then she said well
what about if you break up but if we
break up then I'll kill myself so still
don't need you and we live in a society
that considers any relationship that
doesn't last until your death a failure
and that's not really concerned me at
the beginning with my boyfriend realize
how happy I was I started worrying that
we would break up one day because all of
my previous relationships have finished
and I don't want that to happen and what
I found out is you shouldn't worry about
the ending at the beginning it ruins
everything and it's illogical it's like
giving birth to a baby dressed as the
Grim Reaper turning up a job interview
and going ah what's the point if you
don't sack me I'll quit and so that's
why I was thinking about other couples I
thought a lot about Adam and Eve because
they of course were the original couple
and yeah sure at the beginning it's all
magical it's all staying up late
counting each other's ribs and laughing
the magic fades his boring she's off
talking to wildlife and comfort eating
and then their landlord kicked them out
one of their kids kills the other one
and if they can't make it work in
paradise what chance have I got in
Lewisham
eyes are getting too close control one
you're now in a deep level of trance
gadi talk
expect I don't know I untaught it
through we're gonna try it again how's
it going to be different this time they
strike I want you to retain the cost of
your grain where I reside keep that
awake
okay and then you go to sleep I'll try
okay all right I'm ready so what do I do
three you're feeling tired okay - your
eyes are closing one you're in a trance
don't lose me don't lose me testing one
two three
okay we're cooking with gas now earlier
you said you couldn't sing well that
doesn't mean I can't so now I've got you
in a compromising position I might take
advantage if you can hear me I'd like
you to raise your finger no not on this
hand you idiot
Oh God on your hand without the monkey
on it okay good all right we're ready
I'm gonna sing can I have track one
please I'd like to sing an aria
yes she's quite ambitious not sure she's
up to it let's see if I can do it
drawn broadest
from on
mother's loss or about
really not
reasoning ongoing I need more earthy
thank you
you
