MAYOR AND I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN 
YOU.
OUR PUMPKIN SPICE PRESIDENT HAD 
A BUSY MONDAY.
THIS IS HIS SCHEDULE TODAY.
THIS IS REAL.
MONDAY.
NO PUBLIC EVENTS SCHEDULED.
PROBABLY FOR THE BEST.
TRUMP A-PALOOZA MADE A START IN 
LAKE CHARLES, LOUISIANA ON 
FRIDAY WHERE AGAIN HE USED ALL 
THE BEST WORDS.
>> THE RADICAL DEMOCRATS' 
POLICIES ARE CRAZY.
THEIR POLITICIANS ARE CORRUPT.
THEIR CANDIDATES ARE TERRIBLE.
AND THEY KNOW THEY CAN'T WIN ON 
ELECTION DAY SO THEY'RE PURSUING
AN ILLEGAL INVALID AND 
UNCONSTITUTIONAL [ BLEEP ] 
IMPEACHMENT.
>> Jimmy: HE REALLY IS THE 
ABRAHAM LINCOLN OF OUR TIME, 
ISN'T HE?
[ LAUGHTER ]
LOUISIANA SENATOR JOHN KENNEDY 
WAS THERE TO GET HIS 
PRESIDENTIAL PAT ON THE HEAD, 
AND THIS CHARACTER JOHN KENNEDY,
SUFFICE IT TO SAY, IS NO JOHN 
KENNEDY.
>> I MEAN, IS THIS LOUISIANA?
I TOLD YOU, DONALD J. TRUMP 
LOVES LOUISIANA LIKE THE DEVIL 
LOVES SIN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: GOOD ONE, GRANDMA.
YOU REALLY HIT THE NAIL ON THE 
HEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
EVEN THE DEVIL WAS LIKE LEAVE ME
OUT OF THIS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP BLABBERED FOR A FULL 90 
MINUTES, FILLING HIS FANS WITH 
SO MUCH WISDOM WE HAD NO CHOICE 
BUT TO SLOW IT DOWN TO SAVOR A 
NEW EDITION OF "DRUNK DONALD 
TRUMP."
♪ 
[ SLOWED SPEECH ]
>> I LOVE YOU, PETER.
I LOVE YOU, JULISSA.
LISA.
LISA.
OH, GOD, I LOVE YOU, LISA.
♪ 
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: RUN, LISA.
DO NOT GET ON THE BUS.
MEANWHILE, IN WASHINGTON THE 
IMPEACHMENT TRAIN IS PICKING UP 
STEAM.
ON FRIDAY TRUMP'S FORMER 
AMBASSADOR TO UKRAINE, MARIE 
YOVANOVITCH, TESTIFIED THAT THE 
PRESIDENT PRESSURED THE STATE 
DEPARTMENT TO GET RID OF HER.
TODAY CONGRESS HEARD FROM 
TRUMP'S FORMER ADVISER FIONA 
HILL.
THIS IS A FUN STORY.
THE "WASHINGTON POST" SAID ONE 
OF THE FIRST TIMES FIONA HILL, 
WHO WAS HIS RUSSIA ADVISER, MET 
THE PRESIDENT HE HANDED HER A 
MEMO HE'D MARKED UP AND TOLD HER
TO GO REVISE IT BECAUSE HE 
ASSUMED SHE WAS A SECRETARY.
WHEN SHE SEEMED CONFUSED HE GOT 
ANGRY.
HE SEEMS LIKE A FUN BOSS.
HE REALLY DOES.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE "POST" ALSO LEARNED THAT 
TRUMP'S AMBASSADOR TO THE EU, 
GORDON SONDLAND -- THIS IS THE 
GUY WHO SENT THAT CRYPTICALLY 
WORDED TEXT MESSAGE ABOUT THAT 
THERE WAS NO QUID PRO COULD.
HE PLANS TO TESTIFY THAT THE 
PRESIDENT DICTATED THAT MESSAGE 
TO HIM PERSONALLY AND ON TOP OF 
THAT THE PRESIDENT'S LAWYER RUDY
GIULIANI IS SAID TO BE UNDER 
INVESTIGATION BY THE U.S. 
ATTORNEY'S OFFICE FOR HIS 
FINANCIAL DEALINGS IN UKRAINE.
ON FRIDAY TRUMP SAID HE DIDN'T 
KNOW IF GIULIANI WAS STILL HIS 
LAWYER.
AND THAT MUST HAVE RUFFLED SOME 
FEATHERS BECAUSE OVER THE 
WEEKEND HE SUDDENLY HAD LUNCH 
WITH RUDY AND TWEETED SUPPORT.
"SO NOW THEY ARE AFTER THE 
LEGENDARY CRIME BUSTER AND 
GREATEST MAYOR IN THE HISTORY OF
NEW YORK CITY RUDY GIULIANI.
HE MAY SEEM A LITTLE ROUGH 
AROUND THE EDGES SOMETIMES."
MIGHT EVEN BE INSANE FOR ALL WE 
KNOW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
"BUT HE IS ALSO A GREAT GUY AND 
A WONDERFUL LAWYER WHO IS NOW IN
NEED OF A WONDERFUL LAWYER.
SUCH A ONE-SIDED WITCH HUNT 
GOING ON IN USA.
DEEP STATE.
SHAMEFUL."
IS THERE SUCH A THING AS A 
TWO-SIDED WITCH SNUNT I DON'T 
KNOW.
WAS THERE A GROUP OF WITCHES 
THAT HUNTED DOWN REGULAR PEOPLE?
I DON'T KNOW.
SO TRUMP AND GIULIANI ARE STILL 
A TEAM.
WHENEVER DONALD TRUMP CONSIDERS 
GETTING RID OF RUDY, RUDY 
HYPNOTIZES HIM WITH THAT GIANT 
PINKIE RING HE WEARS.
BUT MAKE NO MISTAKE, THE 
PRESIDENT IS MELTING DOWN LIKE A
CREAMSICLE IN JULY.
HE'S THREATENING TO SUE NANCY 
PELOSI AND ADAM SCHIFF, WHICH 
YOU CAN'T -- AND NOT ONLY THAT, 
WHO'S HE GOING TO GET TO SUE 
HIM?
ALL HIS LAWYERS ARE EITHER IN 
JAIL OR GOING THERE SOON.
[ LAUGHTER ]
HE'S EVEN FEUDING WITH FOX NEWS.
ACCORDING TO THE "NEW YORK 
TIMES," HE CALLED THE HEAD OF 
FOX NEWS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT WHAT 
HE PERCEIVED AS UNFAIR COVERAGE 
OF HIM.
HE REALLY IS THE SNOWIEST, 
FLAKIEST SNOWFLAKE THERE EVER 
HAS BEEN, ISN'T HE?
YOU COULD SKI ON DONALD TRUMP.
BUT SHEPARD SMITH OVER THE 
WEEKEND LEFT FOX NEWS.
SHEPARD SMITH WAS ONE OF THE 
ONLY REASONS THEY WERE ABLE TO 
USE THE WORD NEWS AFTER FOX WITH
A STRAIGHT FACE.
AND NOW HE'S GONE.
HE WAS WITH FOX FOR 20 YEARS.
TRUMP DIDN'T LIKE SHEP, AS THEY 
CALL HIM.
SO FOR REASONS UNKNOWN HE MADE A
SUDDEN DEPARTURE ON AIR FRIDAY 
NIGHT.
FOX NEWS IS NO DOUBT NERVOUS 
BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT SUDDENLY 
CONTINUES TO THREATEN TO START 
HIS OWN CABLE NEWS CHANNEL.
>> LIBERALS LIE.
THE ONCE GREAT FOX NEWS IS NOW A
BUNCH OF PISSY SISSIES.
IN TIMES LIKE THESE TURN TO THE 
TRUMP AMERICA NEWS NETWORK.
AT 7:00 A.M. IT'S "BROADS ON A 
COUCH."
FOLLOWED BY NUGENT AT NOON.
AT 1:00 P.M. "KICHLKILLING TIME 
O.J. SIMPSON.
THEN I'M ERIC HAIFA, MERIC-A, 
HOSTED BY FIRST SON ERIC TRUMP.
THE TRUMP AMERICA NEWS NETWORK, 
TANN.
NEXT SUMMER, GET TANN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: I'VE GOT A MELANOMA 
ALREADY.
IMPEACHMENT AND TURKEY AND SYRIA
AND ALL MANNER OF HELL BREAKING 
LOOSE.
THIS IS WHAT THE PRESIDENT IS 
WORKING ON RIGHT NOW.
"VOTE FOR GOOD GUY SEAN SPICER 
TONIGHT ON DANCING WITH THE 
STARS.
HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR 
US
