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And now what you’re here for.
Gay Gandalf Overthrows A Vampiric Cult, Takes
Over A City
Hi everyone.
All Things DnD is back with another story.
This is as weird as it gets.
Easily the most bizarre and hilarious game
of dungeons and dragons ever.
I’ve gotta hand it to him I laughed the
whole time.
We’d love to hear about your bizarre and
ridiculous stories after you listen to this:
I’m playing in a "dark and gritty" campaign
with a DM who refers to himself as "The Wizard".
In real life he introduces himself as "Real
Name Censored -- The Wizard" to everybody
even if they don't have a clue what D&D is.
Typical cringey tall lanky neckbeard - not
a bad DM but sometimes things get a little
creepy and uncomfortable.
He wants everyone to get their edgelord on.
I assume my role as the guy who plays what
the party is missing.
We have a Half-Orc berserker, a Dark Elf Cleric,
a Duergar fighter, and a Dark Elf Rogue.
So we need a wizard.
I bust out Barnabus Phalange, a flaming human
wizard who loves him some Bigby's hand spells
and really bad jokes.
And by flaming I don't mean fireballs.
He’s your typical wizard with the robes
and staff and pointy hat, never seen without
his disembodied hand familiar, jolly as can
be and is more than happy to help people with
his powers.
But he has just one rather large quirk.
He has zero concept of stealth or subtlety,
wears bright pink robes and his Bigby's spells
manifest in the same color, overwhelmingly
positive and open with absolutely everyone
among a group full of dark and evil characters.
He is a blinding beacon of sunshine and happiness.
The party calls him Barney.
He thinks it's hilarious and actively encourages
it.
DM rolls with it since we need magic and humor,
and I'm banned from playing bard.
We begin in a large human city, plotting to
overthrow the ruling lord to replace it with
someone that will allow the party to do what
they want with the place.
Orc and Duergar want to open an arena-slash-tavern.
The elves want to create a massive temple
to Lolth and start selling slaves like crazy.
And Barney just wants to be the Commissioner
for Beautification so he can put flowers and
nice fences everywhere.
The party agrees due to needing his help,
and his plans will make the value of housing
go through the roof.
Barney insists that he will directly oversee
the arrangement of every single decoration.
"I prefer a… hands on approach."
He high fives his familiar as the Duergar
does the same with his face.
They need to find people who want to overthrow
the lord and won't tell anyone else.
To the thieves guild!
Get to the building, the rogue is using contacts
of "guys she knows" to get us around.
Nobody bats an eye at the edgelords but Barney
is getting a lot of weird looks.
Find a minor gang lord and start arguing over
contacts and bribes.
As broody incorporated is plotting and threatening
Barney’s off messing around Mage Handing
things off of people and dangling it in the
air until they ask-slash-threaten him to return
it.
One throws down and tries to fight Barney.
"No need to be so heavy handed."
Barney casts Bigby's Pugnacious Pugilist,
rings a brass bell, and a magical pair of
fists proceed to beat the tar out of the guy.
His buddy calls it cheating and steps up.
"There was nothing underhanded about that
at all!"
Barney directs fists at him - same results.
He takes their coin purses to cover the trouble,
leaving enough for them to get some treatment.
The party comes out to see two bruisers unconscious
on the floor with Barney still in his chair
counting coins and humming to himself.
Stunned, they ask what the hell just happened.
"Oh, we're just having fun.
I'm making money hand over fist."
High fives familiar.
Finally get a lead to the BBEG A.K.A our new
best friend.
It’s a vampire living in a brothel, where
she oversees all her work from there.
The DM is giving far-too detailed accounts
of her and her harem.
Goes as detailed as her bra size.
Heavily implies that they "cater to ALL kinds"
while looking Barney (and me) directly in
the eye.
The orc fails a check and is instantly smitten
with her - doesn't help that the player was
too into her as well.
I make a note to be ready for when he betrays
us.
The Elves are digging the promises of cheap
hookers and drugs.
I make a note for them too.
And the dwarf is just a jerk.
I make a smaller note for him.
The Vampire sends us off on a mission to remove
a few key nobles and some guards.
Different party members request different
things in order to pull off their plans.
Barney requests for "A few boys who are good
with their hands".
Thr DM and Vampire smile and give him half
a dozen male prostitutes.
That'll do.
While the rest of the party is sneaking around
assassinating enemies, bribing guards, destroying
caravans and patrols, overall being a massive
pain in the butt for the local government,
Barney and his boys (referred to as the Twink
Squad by the party) are off gardening and
sewing and generally just fulfilling every
gay stereotype known to man.
The DM is constantly trying to get the boys
to "give him a hand" but they are always politely
reminded that Barney has more hands than he
can handle as it is.
The party is getting pissy that the Wizard
isn't contributing.
Barney explains to them that he's the perfect
front and that he shouldn't get involved.
"It's best if there's no blood on my hands".
They grumble and continue doing their thing.
Fast forward.
The gang is slowly growing in power, cults
to Lolth are popping up, key figures are disappearing,
and a lot of trade is slowing down due to
"roaming orc(s)".
Duergar has started a massive fight club that
the Orc joins in on when he isn't banging
the vampire -- which is almost constantly.
The elves have a rather large cult following
within the gang and have even attracted more
of their kin.
Meanwhile, Barney has been given a seat in
the lower council as head of Parks and Recreation,
running around fixing up houses and generally
making the city more pleasant.
The party thinks he's keeping the public distracted
from what they are doing, which is indeed
a thing he is causing.
But the elves are annoyed that he keeps adopting
all the male prostitutes to come live in "The
Handy House" which, while also being exactly
what it sounds like, encourages them to take
up other careers and better their personal
health.
There is even a swimming pool tended by a
cleric and a mage.
Barney has a lifeguard chair and pulls people
out as needed.
Prostitutes and Bigby's Construction Crew
are making new houses and buildings whenever
the party's shenanigans destroy one and are
making ridiculous amounts of money and the
public is growing infatuated with Barney "Handyman"
Phalange.
A few weeks pass and the Vampire is ready
to spring her immaculate trap.
The party helps remove the last of the old
supporters for the Lord.
Now he's all alone with very few guards and
everyone is too busy frolicking through the
flowers with the hand-job guy to notice or
care.
The party busts in and kills the Lord.
There is no longer any form of government
- mission accomplished.
Barney hosts a party at the Handy House, now
a massive building with an indoor pool and
workshops everywhere staffed entirely by male
ex-prostitutes.
It’s a safe place where commoners take their
families to go exercise and have fun.
The party is closed from the public and everyone
is celebrating with the gang.
The vampire calls for a toast.
Somehow everyone is amazed when she declares
that she has no more need for most of them
and she will be assuming the seat of power.
A massive fight breaks out as the non-dominated
members go up against the rest.
I use various hands to start knocking people
into the pool where they continue fighting
each other or drowning from the weight of
their armor.
There is water all over the floors, nobody
listens to my wet floor signs, and they start
slipping and falling all over the place.
The DM is making sure that the Vampire is
fighting beautifully without even trying.
I’ve gotten real sick of the Mary Sue fap-fic
vampire.
The elves, orc and duergar are all fighting
hand to hand in the middle of the pool, trying
to stab and drown each other so they can be
in charge.
The last of the minions gets finished off
and Gorgeous McPerfect sets her eyes on Barney.
She begins to monologue about how he should
have been on her side from the start, that
there is no way an old wizard can defeat her.
I summon maxed out Crushing Hand.
It grapples her and drags her straight into
the pool.
The DM is getting angry as the vampire fails
check after check against grapple and crush.
Barney just watches coldly from his life guard
chair.
"You overplayed your hand."
The vampire dies in an over dramatic and beautiful
fashion, dramatically reaching for the surface
before sinking to the bottom.
The orc and duergar are both dead - one elf
is knocked out and being held afloat by the
other.
The elf looks over at Barney as the Hand raises
out of the water again.
Barney's smile fades for the first time they
have ever seen.
"Time to wash my hands of this mess."
The hand crashes down on the elves, crushing
them beneath the water.
The next day the pool is open and clean.
The city knows nothing of what happened but
they know the Lord went missing.
Barney is elected to lead the new High Council
thanks to his many charitable works around
the city.
The crime rate is almost entirely gone, the
caravan raids have stopped, the city is beautiful
and well maintained, and to top it all off
health standards have skyrocketed.
And that’s how Gay Gandalf and the YMCA
overthrew a vampiric cult and took over the
city without the citizens even knowing it
happened.
Well, that was a wild ride.
Can we give this man a hand?
Have you ever played DND with your own “Wizard”?
What was his name?
Please let us know what you think and comment
below!
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All Things DnD.
Our next video will be posted in 3 days, so
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