 
Love Life and everything in between

Copyright 2014 Arthur Neville

Published by Arthur Neville at Smashwords

Smashwords Edition License Notes

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Table of Contents

Chapter 1 - Picture Phones and Internet Porn

Chapter 2 - The Bachelor Theory

Chapter 3 - Dad, Bookstores and Cappuccinos

Chapter 4 - Dinner at Dads

Chapter 5 - Night time is the right time

Chapter 6 - Power of the P

Chapter 7 - Friends, Lovers and shit like that

Chapter 8 - The Tao of Cedrick

Chapter 9 - Ghost butterflies

Chapter 10 - Mamma's Milk

Chapter 11 - The Fallacy of Forever

Chapter 12 - Building the perfect Wrecking Ball

Chapter End - Good Bye, Hello and Talk to you later

About the Author

Connect with the Author

Picture Phones and Internet Porn

I get inside my apartment step though the foyer and notice my girlfriend's luggage.

Hey Debbie, what gives with the luggage? I yell out to her. She's walking quickly toward me, hunched up, she's breathing hard eyes squinted, lips in a snarl. Not a good sign for sure.

You piece of shit. She screams, pointing her iPhone at me a YouTube video streaming on the display I hear my voice.

Uh, what the hell? I say shrugging my shoulders palms out.

Look, right here, you cheating asshole she pushes the iPhone display closer to my face and in all its guilty glory, me tonguing her best friend down - shit, damn phone cameras.

Not knowing what to say I go for sarcasm. Ok, ok, ok I fucked up baby, listen I had a few drinks, we been arguing, you been skimpy with the pussy, but damn YouTube what the fuck man.

You're kissing my Best Fucking Friend, that sneaky bitch. She hurls the iPhone at me; I'm paying a damn fortune for that thing, so I take the brunt of the throw.

And you're a perv too, I checked your internet cache, YouPorn, Jizz Online, what's wrong with you, I'm not good enough for you, huh, huh?

Why are you snooping through my shit? Now, the tears \- and boy can she ball.

You, I loved you, and this is how you treat me? She shoves me out of the way, running towards her bags, sniffling and moaning. I'm sorry; really, I don't know what else to say.

She turns around, fist balled at her sides, tears streaming down her face.

No - I made the mistake being with you, don't call me, don't email me don't fucking text me, you hear me, forget I ever lived. The force in her voice makes me stand back.

Then my mouth starts to move, I have this problem, when I get upset I speak without thinking, not good.

Fuck you then, leave and get the fuck out, your fucking dead to me, glad to get rid of your ass. When I do this, it's like an out of body experience, my conscience burrows downwards and this grumpy asshole pushes his way up, well maybe not too far down, from what I've been told I'm an asshole throughout.

The doorbell rings, she opens it and all of her friends come rushing in, they give me the stare as if I'm a death row inmate who murdered there whole family.

Anton, you need to grow up, you're going to be lonely and miserable, be a man. She says.

The man hating vibe is moving like the wave, I can see them frothing at the mouth.

Yeah Anton, you're a little boy, let's get out of here and leave the baby alone so you can find a real man. I'm in full asshole mode now. Oh yeah you're a fucking whale, get out of here before I harpoon your orca ass.

As always, never good, sometimes the person on the receiving end deserves it, sometimes not. But me, I'm a salt in wound kind of guy and I go for the juggler.

They give me the finger, I hear her still crying, and there gone, she's gone and in that instant, I'm alone. The loneliness creeps up my legs, stomach, chest, and head, covering me it feels cold.

I call Tiffany.

Hey Tiff, what's up you busy, you want to grab a drink?

Anton, that sounds nice but don't have the time right now.

Ok, I can come over there and chill with you.

That would be nice, seeing you're a star and all.

Well you know I got dem skills you always liked.

Not talking about that, talking about your YouTube video.

I hang up the phone, I'm fucked I have to get that damn video down.

Phone rings, check the caller id, it's my boy Ralph.

Hey Dude sup. I say to Ralph.

Dude, the YouTube thing that shit is crazy.

I know man, got to get that shit down.

Anton, once it hits the net it lives on forever, in infamy hahhhahah, what the hell man.

Not funny.

Uh yes it is, I would ask what you were thinking but after seeing her; I can't say I blame you damn she's hot, sizzling hot.

Yeah, hot she was but damn man now I'm all over the net.

What, you're single again, although I don't know why you ever bother hooking up with anyone.

Why's that man?

You always fuck it up with another woman that's why.

Oh that's right, I forgot who I was talking to, Mr. Commitment, how long you been married now, 2 months is it and you're already talking about the receptionist at work, you said you should have screwed her before you got engaged, a good bye to strange pussy.

Yeah that may be, but you know me, I look but don't touch.

Whatever

Hey man, want me to come over, you ok?

I'm good, I'm going to call around and see about getting this video off YouTube feel like I'm on an episode of Cheaters or something.

News Flash dude, you are. hahahaah

You're a dick you know that right.

Don't be pissed at me man, I'm your boy I got you.

Whatever I'll call you later.

Alright Ant, have a good night and watch them cameras.

I hang up with Ralph, he's a good friend, but this being faithful to one woman - I'm not good at that kind of thing. I always feel like I need a woman, but not in a relationship kind of way, have like an item, a trophy, a snack, something along those lines. To quiet the emptiness that crashes around me in the darkness, the voice in my head that I hear that I don't like, somehow being with a woman is a distraction, yet for some reason I tire of them and express my dissatisfaction in ways not necessarily gentlemen like.

Speaking of snack I head to the kitchen, I can still smell her. I look around and see remnants of her, pieces of our life, I fight the emotion that tries to take up residence in my heart, fuck it.

Back to top

The Bachelor Theory

I have this theory on being single which is, I don't have to be accountable to any one woman, and in so doing I am free to do and be with whomever the fuck I want.

I make this known to all my potential future ex-girlfriends.

It's sort of like a prenuptial agreement to being a fuck up, a prelude to the bad day when I'm caught with my pants down.

While I don't have the coin and the opportunity of say Tiger Woods, that lucky bastard could cheat with total authority and he quite frankly didn't give a shit. That is until the turned over SUV and golf club incident and just what the fuck was that god awful public apology, sheesh it hurt to watch.

So with me, I don't have a desire to be committed to one woman, I don't, yes this is what I keep saying to myself whenever I find myself alone, me and my rationalizations.

Love, what the hell is that, I think the closest I came to love was my PlayStation 4; yeah I loved that motherfucking thing. But that's beside the point, my theory is this, hurt only happens when the door is open to my heart and my invited guest walks in, they wipe their feet and trounce mud all over my hearts living room.

Therefore, to avoid the pain of the inevitable breakup, I have learned the art of detachment or as they like to call it, ass-holism, is there such a word, I do not know but there is now. Ass-Holism and its served me well.

I still have the occasional flashback to good times and a consistent desire to be happy with someone; I quickly pass those feelings off as temporary insanity. To numb the emotion I go get wasted and find a jump off, have drunk sex and it eventually goes away. I numb that shit right the fuck up.

Sure, I've had furniture flung towards me at top velocity, had slap marks on my face, even the occasional tire slash, shame they don't have ex-girlfriend insurance, although if they did I'd be high risk so probably wouldn't work for me.

As I'm taking a shower the doorbell rings, I head over to answer it wrapping the towel around my waist.

Yeah who?

Dude it's me Chip, muuthafuckaaaah.

I open the door my boy Chip enters, he's Mr. fucking Chippendales and that's how he got the name Chip, with his long dreadlocks tied in a ponytail, hazel eyes and chiseled body, there are days when even I tell him he's just too fucking good looking. He laughs, calls me Gay.

Hey dude, can I get your autograph?

Fuck you man.

How the hell did you manage to get your shit broadcast over the net, man them chicks are hating on you something bad.

No shit Sherlock, I can't wait for this to blow off man.

Well I have a crisis need to talk.

Chip walks in, and even through the wisecracking, he looks upset I can sense it.

Dude, I had the worst dream ever.

About?

Don't laugh man.

If it's funny or weird, dude I'm laughing.

Whatever, ok, here's the deal, I dreamt I woke up and had a pussy.

I don't laugh, but look at him like what the fuck?

Yeah man, I dreamt I woke up and my dick was gone and I had a pussy, and to make it even weirder, this girl had a dick.

So you were like getting fucked, literally?

Yeah man, literally, what's the deal with that shit?

Uhh, you got me, you eat something weird?

Maybe, this chick's pussy did taste kind of right.

You're a sick, sick pup you know that?

Fuck you - YouTube Boy.

Had to go there?

Seriously – a pussy? What the fuck is that about?

You're speaking to the wrong dude for dream interpretation. But I can tell you this man; you need to check that one.

Yeah I know, I been worried all day, you can't imagine what it was like to look down and see your shit gone.

I'm at a loss for words, I guess I can't call you a dick anymore.

Yeah, yeah, so dude, what's going on with you now, you seem to stay on the most fucked up bachelor list.

It's sad, I mean every old hookup I call knows about the YouTube video, it's almost like she went into my....

I pause; think she couldn't have gone through the address book on my iPhone.

I think, I think, so I run to grab it, open it and she has deleted all my contacts and left just one.

It says Fuck You.

I scream.

She got my addresses man, I think she is contacting all the women I dated that bitch.

Nothing worse than a highly motivated and resourceful pissed off ex bubba, I think your fun is just beginning.

Cunt

Not funny dude listen I'm out, I can't stand it here, it's too cheery, but when James Cameron or Spielberg want TV rights to your story I'm in.

With that Chip leaves, and his leaving has somewhat made my world a tad happier, muuuuthahfuuuuckaaaah.

I head back to the shower, walk into the bedroom it's in total chaos, she ripped and pulled everything apart to leave, the thing about it that bothers me the most is, she was always so meticulous about being neat and in order, now to see how she destroyed the room, how she mangled the closet - startles me.

It's not like I don't get to know the woman I'm with. I think I have an uncanny skill for becoming their best friend, we actually do everything together, even feel linked and connected. All women want from a man is that he gets her on a deep level, she wants to feel safe loved and wanted - I do this well, I'm sincere at the time.

But I'm like a fickle kid in a toy store, they get what they want and are happy somewhat elated, but as soon as they turn the corner and go down another aisle they quickly forget what they had and want what's in the new aisle.

I find myself like that, I see a sexy woman and I want her, see another and want her too. Yes I want my motherfucking cake and eat it too.

Dad, Bookstores and Cappuccinos

Coffee, I could use a good cup of coffee, I head downstairs to my car, I love my car, it's a 2014 Jaguar XFR-S, black with black rims and a serious tint with tan leather , wood grain interior and this mean blue and amber dashboard.

I walk up to the car, the sensor syncs to my key bob when I'm in range, the driver side door unlocks the engine starts with a click of a button on the dash using my fingerprint , biometrics – the seats go back. Yeah that's fucking hot.

I get in, the steering column lowers to my height, doors lock and I'm off.

The onboard GPS chimes in with a sexy voice that I programmed; it moans out the syllables gives me hard on just hearing it. I get turned on by a computer voice. I got problems I know.

I ignore the voice and decide I'll head to my local java hang, just then I get a call I look at my onboard caller ID display on the dash, it's my Dad.

Hey Dad what's good?

You know the last time someone ask me what's good I thought they meant food or something, but I'm getting a little more hip these days.

OK?

Hey son, I figured I'd give you a call and invite you over to dinner tonight.

Dinner, what's the occasion?

Celebrating, you're rise to fame.

Meaning? I say playing dumb.

You know, YouTube, to which I would say what were you thinking, but I know you and given that I know what you were thinking with.

Thanks Dad, I knew if anybody understood - it would be you.

She was a very nice girl, the family loved her, we had hopes that the two of you would marry and bring forth babies.

Funny Dad, I was wishing the same thing and guess what, I live to try again.

You underestimate the power of a good marriage.

Which one Dad, the first, second or third, I'm a bit confused by all this talk about marriage baby's love and shit.

I have this relationship with my Dad were we can pretty much talk openly about things, sometimes its ok but I dare not push it beyond respectful borders, but the marriage thing, that shit is fair fucking game.

Love is like any thing in life, it is of no good unless you try and fail and try again. You have to believe in it.

Well I guess I'm in fail mode.

Your optimism is catchy, just be at the house around eight or so.

I'll try Dad, that's all I can say.

Well try and be on time, I love you.

I love you too Dad.

I do love my Dad, he has been through three tough marriages, the funny thing is each new wife gets younger and younger; I don't even try to figure it out anymore. Now he's dating this fucking super-hot executive type chick, although this one broke the mode because she is a little older than his usual taste, she has grown kids and is successful in her right.

He says it's just about companionship, the sex is great, and that was weird hearing my Dad talk about sex.

I pull up to the Java Book Hang my local coffee joint, the Wi-Fi is always on spot, the ambience is awesome, nice tunes flowing on the overhead, just an overall decent place to get a cup of java. Who knows - I could find a good book or a date but knowing me it's all about the date.

I get in head up to the counter, I see my favorite person making the brews.

I have very little patience when it comes to decision making, either you know or you don't, this um and ah shit I don't get it.

The woman in front of me is taking an extremely long time to place her order and I'm getting a bit perturbed.

I see Erica go back and forth with her over the available options of coffee to be had.

She seems to take an eternity to decide on what she wants.

I lean over and give Erica the What the Fuck shrug, she smiles and waves politely at me.

Finally she gets her coffee and walks away.

I look at her as she heads in the opposite direction, nice ass I say to myself.

Hey Erica, what was that all about?

Nothing, just a new customer confused by all the choices we offer.

Confused by the choices or just plain confused.

Your charm is overflowing as usual.

Whatever.

What can I get you today Anton?

I'm thinking a quad shot of the caramel Frappuccino.

Good choice, with whipped cream?

Is there any other way?

So Anton, what's going on with you these days?

Nothing much, just life happening.

Well I wanted to say that you look bigger in person.

What you mean, you've seen me in person before.

Then it hits me, fucking YouTube.

You saw the video I take it?

Anton, far be it from me to judge a player, I seen player written all over you from first meet.

You can't hold a good man down Erica.

Well my man, here's your coffee.

Thanks, hey you have a good day ok?

I will you too Anton, and give us poor women a break.

It's hard out here for a pimp, I say, walking away sipping on my delicious Frappuccino, hmmmm it tastes so fucking good.

I head over to the personal improvements section and this book catches my eye, The Joy in Loving Others.

I look at it, I've heard of this author, he has one of those talk shows, and I remember seeing the cover to one of his books before, yeah that's right I remember now, my ex said I was a detached son of bitch, I protested that my mother was not a bitch, to which she threw a book at me, it bounced off my head and landed with the cover up, its title Loving for loves sake.

She was always throwing shit at me; I make people want to do that sometimes.

I shrugged my shoulders, smiled and fired up the iPod, ahh those where the good old days.

As I pull down the book someone says to me that the book is a good read.

I turn towards the direction of the voice, and to my surprise it's the confused coffee customer with the great ass.

So you like his books too? I say turning towards her.

She's wearing these jean's that grip her body like it's nobody's business, her hair is tied back in a ponytail, she has these nice ass Gucci glasses on her beautiful coco complexion, her nose is small and cute, teeth perfectly lined, boobs just the right shape, I size her up like a kid in McDonalds, supersize me dammit.

I particularly enjoyed his last book, "Loving for loves sake", have you read it?

No but I came in contact with it.

Really, how so?

Long story; let's just say that the lesson was wasted on me.

I thought you were going to jump out of your skull back at the coffee counter.

Oh, that transparent?

Oh my god yes, and you wanted more coffee, you're already hyper.

Actually the coffee calms me down.

I'm sure you've heard this, but you're a bit intense.

No, that's not intensity, eccentricity is more like it.

You do know that eccentric is likened to being nuts.

Hmm, more like a sophisticate, I can open a bottle of French wine and cuss you out in Spanish.

Interesting play on insanity, anyway my name is Sonia and it's nice to meet you.

I'm Anton, and the pleasure is all mines, can I have your number I would like to continue this conversation over say dinner?

Sorry Anton, not really up to the dating thing.

Recent heartbreak I presume?

No, not at all - just not interested, in any event read the book; you might learn a thing or two if you open your heart.

I look at her, what she said struck me; I guess it was more the way in which she said it, looking right in my eyes with that beautiful face, I almost ask her to move in with me. Damn my father's genes are strong, shit.

I watch that beautiful ass bounce away from me, it's almost as if the jeans where painted on her body, I pull myself away, head to the counter and buy the book.

Heading to the car my iPhone rings, not wanting to hear more about my internet fame I ignore it, and so it stops.

Interested I look at the missed call viewed on my dash display, it's Jasper.

Jasper is this wise reformed gigolo.

Interesting dude this Jasper, with no formal education he has managed to carve out a nice life for himself unhindered by the constraints of the 9 to 5 grind, I hate him.

I callout his name to my voice controlled phonebook, the system dials him.

Hey Jasper, dude what's good?

You know me man, just trying to survive, its hard out here for a pimp.

Yeah right, how much did you rake in today, twenty thousand thirty thousand?

Oh about that much, I get my statements bundled nicely and sent to my droid, man I love this shit. So Anton, what you got planned tonight, I'm having some friends over for dinner and wanted to know if you can make it?

Damn Jasper, your about eight hours too late, my dad invited me to his house for eats, would have loved to hang with you.

No worries, you know me, my parties have no end time, so feel free to crash if you're in the area.

Cool, talk to you later Jasper.

Yeah bruh take care.

And with that we end our rant.

Jasper has totally transformed his life, from a doped out stick up kid with a future made for prison he has managed to educate himself about real estate, cleaned up his credit and has three high end office buildings that he leases out.

But as he always says, can't take the street out the hustler and on that vein he has a private men's club where any fucking thing goes, this place is the shit turned up for real I mean a brother could go broke up in that piece his women are super fucking fine.

I'm tempted to forego my dad and head to Jasper to get a serious brain operation from one of the head masters, the thought quickly fades as he sounded really serious about my attending.

I head home, pour a drink light up a fattie, take a nice steaming hot shower, throw on a fitted linen suit, loafers with no socks - got that Tubbs from Miami vice thing going retro 80's chic.

Dinner at Dads

My dad has this thing for fen shui, ever since his last divorce, that bitch rocked his world something terrible. I mean not only was she cheating on him with every son of bitch that had a foreign car, she would introduce the motherfuckers to him in his fucking face, saying that they were family and shit.

I mean what the fuck, cold ass bitch. I mean yeah she was hot, gorgeous as hell, but had a black hole for a heart, no fucking light lived there at all.

He always, always forgave her, that shit baffled the hell out of everyone. He worked so hard to make her happy, gave her everything she wanted and anticipated her future needs, she totally had him pussy shackled and whipped into submission, all she had to do was whip out the pussy and he was all stupefied and shit, it was painful to watch.

But anyway I digress, what happened was this - he came home unexpected from a long trip overseas, it was early morning when he arrived home, and there she was, in bed with not one but two dudes - that fucked him up real bad. We all thought he was going to go ape shit and lose his mind.

To our surprise he didn't go nuts or even try to kill and maim everyone, he went to the phone called the cops and had everyone escorted out the house even that ratchet ass bitch, upon which he went about shipping all her shit to the nearest junk yard and torched the hell out of it. He won the divorce case, sued her ass for any and all future earnings on the grounds of mental cruelty and adultery - way to go Dad.

In any event after all that, he went all eastern philosophy on us saying that at the time he started studying mindfulness teachings and he credits the teachings of mindfulness for preventing him from painting his bedroom red with the shotgun in the closet and the .45.We thank them too because I still have my dad - hippie motherfucker that he is.

Better man than me though, I would've bust a cap in each of them dudes at least one in the nuts, but again that's just me.

I pull up to my dad's house it has this nice circular driveway. He brought some property in this exclusive section of Buckhead Atlanta with a water fountain and all; he has these huge stained glass and wood doors, marble floor in the atrium as you walk in, it's a nice ten bedroom mansion up on a hill.

As I pull in I notice more cars than usual for one of his dinner gatherings. That's cool I like fucking with people when their drunk especially his stuck up bougie pals from the corporate world.

As I walk into the house I hear my dad yell out to me.

Anton is that you, come on in son were in the den, how the fuck does he do that, it's beyond me how he always knows when I walk in the door - been like that since I was a teen and it freaks me the hell out, I could never sneak in and out the house wasn't fun at all.

His den has these dark brown and red aniline leather sofas - hard wood floors that you can see your reflection in.

Anton, come on in get a drink and say hi to everyone.

Hi everyone. I say waving as I head to the bar.

Everyone applauds, I'm puzzled.

I pour a drink, bourbon my favorite, and head to my red chair. There's someone in my fucking chair. Get up you're in my chair – I say to this dude, he looks up at me, smiles and says - Your father told me you'd be asking for the chair, to be frank I didn't believe him until I sat in it, the chair is magic, it messages your ass and balls, its kind to your back too, sorry son you'll have to find another chair.

I stare at this guy, look at my dad, look at the red chair, look at the guy that is looking at me with this shit eating grin. He gets up and pats me on the back, says to me as he's passing by - just fucking with you kid. I stay cool; stare at him through squinted eyes whisper motherfucker and sit down in my big read chair, shit the seat is warm.

My dad stands up; he's a striking man, all six foot five of him. He's a very successful African American business man, aggressive and passionate about his work.

Has a Master's in Business and Bachelors in Science both from Howard University, he believed in keeping it black by supporting and going to HBCU's ( Historically Black Colleges and Universities}.

He has been of late looking at the opportunities that are presenting themselves in Africa; he's always talking about going to the motherland and connecting with culture. I guess that's the one good thing that came from his last wife, she was African, Gambian to be exact, she cooked some wonderful foods, but that's all the good I see came from it - his new found love for Africa, ironic. I see my Dad preparing to speak.

My friends I'm so glad you've all made the trip to my house tonight, as you all know my beautiful woman Cecelia and I are heading to Africa, in particular South Africa. We've acquired some additional investors and have been working tirelessly to get the business started.

We are happy to say that were going over to meet with the investors, look at some property and speak with the local government about next steps. We're planning on leaving within the next couple of weeks but wanted to share the good news with you all, also I have for each of you the business portfolio for what we propose, included you will find donor cards, we hope you will be moved by the business plan and offer us your charitable contributions, please take them with you.

Oh one more thing that I think you'll find attractive, we've incentivized the contributions in a way where you'll be able to write them off on your taxes, and again we hope you find the details exciting enough to move your wallets to action.

My dad knows how to ask for money, I'm always impressed with him, but what impressed me more was the fact that he balanced his business life with his family life, in other words I grew up with a Dad.

He was at all my graduations, from grade school to college; he never missed any of my football games he would sit down with me and go over my homework even when he was dog tired from working all day. He said - that was the highlight of his day, sitting down with his children seeing how they were doing in school, helping with homework, he told me I don't mind failing in business, where I don't want to fail is in being a father. That always stuck with me; always. I don't know what I'd do without him, really. We disperse from the den, around twenty or so of us and head to the dining room, my dad walks over to me, smiling.

Hey Dad, that was a nice speech, messed up way for me to find out your going abroad how come I'm just hearing this?

Anton, sorry we just finalized the details of this deal and I've been working day and night on getting this off the ground, now you know.

But dad, you always share things with me, I'm like your confidant. That may be Anton, but Cecilia has been awesome, I mean look at her man, she has this mind, this thirst for business it is inspiring, I always wanted to do this but could never grow the balls to get it moving.

So you're saying she's got bigger balls? Probably, she went into this and guided me to the sources and helped me with the business portfolio, I mean she does have a PhD in International business; I should be so fucking lucky. I guess, just don't get married on me.

Silence, he looks away. Dad, Dad, c'mon man, aww Dad not again what the hell. He pulls me close to him we walk into the dining room side by side; he looks me in the eyes. Don't worry Ant, I don't need marriage to be with a woman, and besides no matter how good the intention of a woman, treachery always lays in wait for the man asleep at the gate, fuck that shit never again. She knows her place in the scheme of things.

And why am I not convinced? Don't worry, by the way your name was brought up by one of the guest, she said her daughter was texted a link of your new found YouTube fame? It's going viral and they shared it on their Facebook pages. Said - Hell hath no fury than a woman scorned.

You're deflecting Dad but no shit it figures, next instagram, pinterest, hulu she's out to do me in. I say as I drink down my bourbon.

Hey Dad I'm going to grab another drink you want one? Nah, I'm good I'll see you at the table.

I head back into the den and over to the bar not quite sure if I believe my dad about the marriage thing, he's weak for that shit, I just don't think he has the ability to pick winners, and that's the fucked up part, he loves hard.

I wonder if that's playing a part in how I am with women, I meet them with a smile and leave them in tears, with objects hurled at me in top velocity, why do they always want to throw and stab. I had a habit of hiding the knives and the heavy shit when we argued, they just wanted to stomp me like a bug, such hatred.

I never figured out why it's okay for a woman to leave a man hell cheat on him even, but a dude is all kinds of sons of bitches motherfuckers when they tell a woman – Hey I don't think it's working, let's just have a clean break.

Like now you're the bad guy because a dude has no more interest, I guess we have to wait for them to make up their mind that it's over and dump us, fuck that shit.

I head to the bar so I can make myself another drink thinking about my dad's announcement and wondering when he's planning on leaving. Hope that we spend time together before he goes. I reach the bar looking around for my favorite bottle of bourbon, where the fuck is my bourbon.

The sound of ice in a rock glass, unmistakable, it comes from around the side of the bar, I walk around and see someone slow pouring my fucking bourbon, I'm about to lose it.

Hey what the hell, that's my liquor, did you save me any?

Then she turns around, and I remember her, it's the Java hang confused coffee drinker who likes Self-help books.

Whoa hey sorry about losing it like that, how are you, funny to see you here you know my dad?

Hi there, Anton was it, no my parents were invited by one of their business associates, something about a charitable opportunity and the chance to meet some very interesting people, and I'm all for meeting interesting people, I mean look - here YOU are and you can't get more interesting than that.

I smirk, she has sarcasm, but it's not scathing it's more like a soft push in the back off a cliff.

Oh you got jokes, funny ha ha, now that were past being polite and shit what's your name?

I'm Sonia you forgot already, nice to see you again really, and my god this bourbon has me all dripping wet and warm, mmmmm.

She walks up to me and gets close, places the glass next to my lips, turns it up, I smell the perfume on her hand, I taste her saliva, it's still on the rim of the glass along with her lipstick, as she is doing this her eyes lock into a dizzying gaze with mine, and I slowly sip the bourbon, she licks her lips and takes a sip after me.

That wasn't so hard was it, she whispers to me.

Actually its rather hard right now, you may need to do something about that.

She looks down at my hard dick that is trying to push its way up through my pants; she places her hand on the outline of my dick and slowly rubs it.

She unzips my pants, places her warm hand inside, locates the head and rubs it she brings her hand out licks it and walks away, what the fuck just happen.

I zip my pants, my dad is calling me, got to wait for the boner to go down before I head out, I look down and notice a cum spot on my pants, yeah I would wear these freaking linen pants, I take water and splash it on my crotch and head back to the dining room.

Sorry had an accident with the bourbon must not have been meant for me at the moment, I sneak a look over at Sonia she's settled in between her mom and dad looking all angelic, I notice her notice me, my eyebrow goes up, I nod my head in agreement a smirk lifts on the side of my mouth.

We all gather around my dad's dinner table, I look around and no matter how many times I'm here I get Goosebumps from the life we live, fuck yeah.

My Dad stands up glass in hand, he looks at me briefly and shrugs his shoulders - oh shit, oh shit, don't fucking tell me.

My friends, not only is this a celebration of a new venture in business but also a celebration in new found love.

They say and I believe it to be true that behind every good man is a good woman, well I want you all to know that everything that is happening now, the new business venture, how this house is so beautifully decorated, well it's all because of this beautiful woman right here, she is the reason for my being, my reason for everything.

I look over at Cecilia, she's locked on my dad, she takes these long gazes at him and her eyes twinkle, her whole face softens and glows, is this what love looks like, or is it just too many glasses of red wine, jury is still out.

Well I want to make a toast to Cecilia, my best friend, my lover my strength, to the woman who has breathed life into me, who by her presence shines brighter than the sun that god placed in the sky, who's love illuminates my nights brighter than a full moon, to you my love I take this moment to tell you I love you and to humbly ask if you'll be my wife.

Shit I fucking knew it; my dad cannot be with a woman without wifing her I give him credit he keeps trying but damn.

I look at Cecilia as my dad presents her with the engagement ring, it damn near blinds the whole side of the room with its sparkle, he places it on her finger, kisses her hand then her lips softly. My sister Amanda is in the room, she is not happy, not happy. I look over at her and mouth - what the fuck, to which she replies with a dark deathly stare.

I sigh; shake my head cut my steak and take a bite of that medium rare goodness, fuck it lets eat.

The party goes well, people eat and depart - full and happy. My dad is grinning from ear to ear he deserves all the happiness in the world - he raised Amanda, myself and Chris whom I do not see, probably out robbing somebody because he's into that kind of shit, fucking stick up kid, two out three aint bad I guess.

Wow his fourth wife, I wish him well because ultimately I want him to be happy and from the looks of things he is.

After a few a minutes I notice Amanda getting up, Cecilia watches her and follows after, I know what this is about , I quietly exit the dining room in hopes of a stopping the eventual display of claws and teeth – cat fight.

Anton where're you going I need your help with something.

I'll be back dad I want to congratulate Cecilia and say good night to Amanda.

Ok, I hope you're not too upset, I wasn't quite honest with you earlier all I wanted to do was surprise you. I know how you feel about me doing this, believe me I'll be ok.

Dad a surprise that was for sure, all we want for you is your happiness and nobody knows that better then you, for what it's worth if she does it for you well there it is.

He reaches and gives me this big bear hug tells me he loves me, I love him too.

I walk through the house but don't see them I head to the den. I see Amanda standing directly in front of Cecilia; I walk in and stand beside Amanda.

Listen Cecilia, I love my daddy, he's been through a whole hell of a lot, I don't have a lot to say to you but this, if you fucking hurt him I will find you and fucking cut your pussy out. My sister has such a way with words.

Cecilia appears to not be phased; she walks behind the bar, pulls down a wine glass and pours herself a drink, lifts the bottle as if to offer us some, we both decline. She walks from behind the bar takes a sip, hugs Amanda then kisses me on the cheek, Ok that was classy.

Listen kids, I love your father, but we understand each other, we know what makes each other tick, but let me tell you guys a little secret about why your father and I will make it work until one of us is on life support.

I've raised five children, all of whom are successful with very lucrative careers, I too myself have a very successful law practice of course this you already know, this you may not know however.

I've spent the last ten years in a lesbian relationship because I just pretty much gave up on men, the reasons are too varied and brutal to reveal, suffice it to say I spent many years looking for my teeth on the floor and wiping my tears mixed with blood from the walls. I still came out a survivor, damaged? Yes - but victims aren't we all?

Your father he doesn't want me to change, he accepts me, all of me. When I'm a bitch and a bitch I can be, it doesn't faze him, I don't yet understand it myself, but when I look into his eyes, our souls click.

I feel like I was meant to be in his life, and we don't care how long, we haven't put a time limit like forever or some sentiment like that, we just are, we just are and that's good enough for us.

She takes another sip of her wine, smells the glass and gently takes another. She looks up at us, sighs and says - You know your father, he's traditional, as most men are, and he wants to be married. I'm ok with that, we understand that all we have is now, we've lived a life with a lot of shit, we've sacrificed for our children and now it's time for us. To be honest with you, the two of us together broken as we are make each other whole, flaws and all.

I stand in awe of this woman, I now understand what my dad sees in her, it's almost like the saying goes, kiss enough frogs and one day your prince will come, I guess fuck enough hoes and one day your queen will arrive, I better get to fucking.

Amanda is still not convinced, she is fiercely protective of dad, and while Cecilia's speech was attention getting I think she talks too much, but again that could be me.

My dad walks into the den I look at him, his eyes are fixed on Cecilia then he looks at Amanda and finally at me he raises an eyebrow, the intensity must be in the air.

Everything ok in here?

Yeah dad, I say. Everything's all good.

Amanda, come over here honey, my dad says holding out his arms.

Amanda walks up to him and snuggles deep into his arms. He kisses her head, and then looks over at Cecilia, shakes his head in the kids will be kid's kind of way. He looks down at Amanda, tells her he loves her, his little tiger, they laugh, I say good night because I need to smoke some purple and get burnt, I'm out. I head out to my car, dad walks out behind me.

Anton we never finished going over what I need you to help me with he says placing his hand on my shoulder. Dad, I'm outta here I'm going to pop over and see a friend tonight, get chill and head home since I'm off tomorrow. I'll holla at you later?

That's cool son, I love you have a good night.

Yeah dad you too, and I'm happy for you really.

Thanks Anton, she's really good to me, we sit up and compare scars.

Dad that's just weird.

Shared pain my son, we relate, makes us grateful for what we have.

Well watch Amanda around her, she told her she was going to cut her pussy out of her body if she hurts you.

Not the pussy, leave that alone.

You sound like a dirty old man.

But I am a dirty old man, at least to Cece, we get slutty with each other, the passion is still there.

Well that means there's hope for me.

Sometimes hope is all we need, good night Anton.

Night time is the right time

I love my car, as soon as I get in everything adjust for me me me . Wouldn't it be lovely if life did the same thing, as soon as you wake up and place your feet on the floor in the morning life embraces you with big wet blowjob looking up at you in the eyes whispering your wish is my command. Nope instead you wake up to life trying to fist you in the ass, no? Ok I'm being a bit dramatic say not a fist, more like a foot. I call Jasper; the onboard 5g voice activated cell searches in the address book and makes the call.

Hello, says a sexy voice on the other end.

Hey I'm looking for Jasper, tell him its Ant.

Hold on sugar she purrs, I'm intrigued.

Dude, what the hell man, are you on the way - we just getting this thing into orbit.

Yeah bro, I'm on the way man, sounds like a party up in there.

To be honest dude, it's a session, only a few of us, more chicks then dudes so come on and get your cock rocked. Jasper has the best sessions in town, I always leave drained. Just then as I'm ruminated on how I'm going to go get my swerve on - my phone rings. Hello, you got me.

Hey you.

Hey yourself, who dis?

You know you're quite tasty.

I pause, trying to figure out my caller, and then I look at the caller ID on the dash board, Sonia.

The tease, tired of sampling the treats, want to dine in? Oh you got words now, when you was in front of me you couldn't get you're a's in front of your b's. I regrouped; you took me by surprise that's all.

Really now, that was easy, you sound like your fathers son.

What you trying to say girl?

I'm just saying if all I had to do was touch your bone I wonder what would happen if I gave you some, you'd want to move in with me right then?

Where'd you get that connection?

People talk Anton, I know about your father's love of being married, he doesn't waste any time, as soon as he hooks up, he marries up, you're not like that are you, you won't go proposing to me after you spend the night?

You must think you got the almighty mighty down there.

Had you swollen and I didn't even let you see it.

How'd you get my number anyway?

I got it from your sister, she's a bit intense.

Yeah that's Amanda, she's alright though, don't try and change the subject now, where you at, I want to smell you.

If I tell you where I'm at you better do more than smell me. You better tie me up like a pretzel and make me do the exorcists.

She gives me her address, I'm really, really interested in her, she got game; she talks like, like, me.

I call Jasper back, I tell him I got a no frills booty call, he's getting a blowjob so his concentration at the moment is a bit skewed, he grunts ok and hangs up, why'd he even bother to answer is beyond me.

I plug Sonia's address into the GPS, make my way.

Takes me about fifteen minutes to reach her place, she's located in the east Cobb section of Atlanta, real nice area, I pull up to her gate, press the intercom, she answers, buzzes me in.

I drive around looking at the homes in this gated community, ok she must have a decent job, that's good, means she's self-sufficient my theme song with women is I love a woman who's got her own, here, here.

I pull up to her house, I like it, modest style I see a flickering of lights in the window, looks like she is setting the mood, game on.

I ring the bell, she opens the door and I walk in to a smell of apple cinnamon candles and her perfume, she closes the door behind me I turn and there she is, naked as all getup, nice thighs, tits standing at attention, waist nice and small, and her cocoa skin glistens in the candle light, I do think she's oiled, that's what's up.

I walk up and grab her waist, put my hands on her ass, pull her to me, we kiss, kiss hard, lots of tongue, breathing hard, I go to her neck, she's undressing me, I'm kissing her neck, I grab her breast, damn they firm, nipples standing up, I lick one, slowly, taking it in my mouth, nibbling on the tip, I bite down on it, she moans, I go to the other lick it.

I'm so hard it hurts, she pulls my pants down, almost rips them off me, she slides down and takes my hard dick in her mouth, working it slowly, slowly damn, damn, I pull her up, kiss her again, I lift her up place her legs over my arms and lean her against the door, my dick finds it way, she's warm, wet, but grips me, perfectly, she bites my neck, scratches my back, pulls me to her we kiss again, look into each other's face, both our eyes almost closed, mouths open breathing hard, gasping for air I'm pumping, sliding in and out, taking my time, she tells me she can feel the veins on my dick, I tell her the pussy is good, the pussy is good.

I pull out, I'm covered with her juices, I let her lead me into the living room, I stare at that ass, my lord almighty that ass is like a throne I just want to worship it, I feel my heart go into my throat, she lays down slowly, looking at me, she grabs her legs and puts them behind her she says I love Yoga.

I say I do too, I bend down and slide into her, I place my arms in position she places her legs on my shoulders, and I thrust then pull it out to the tip and slide in slowly, working it, holding my cum because right now, it's all about her, she starts to shake, her head goes back she moans to me Yeah daddy hit that pussy, I'm looking down at her, the way the candle light is making her skin glow, her beautiful sexy lips, those dark eyes, I feel it now, and together we reach our climax.

I put her legs down, lay next to her, she gets up to grab a beer and a glass of wine hands me the beer she sits there sipping her wine slowly, looking at me, smirking.

What the fuck you smirking about? I say both of us dripping in sweat.

You, Anton, you're not half bad I was hoping that you'd be at least ok, but I'm surprised really.

So just what were you expecting?

I don't know most men I hook up with don't last pass the brain let alone the pussy; I'm always left to masturbate myself to sleep.

So this is something you do often, funny you don't seem like you get down like that.

And what does a person who gets down like that look like?

Not like you, just saying girl, I wasn't figuring you for no jump off.

Anton, I'm not a jump off, let me get that out there, it's just that I like a good fuck every now and then believe me I'm very selective in who I give the pussy too.

That's nice to know, I drink down the beer she gets up to grab me another, I watch her get up, her ass is so firm, so round, looks like an upside down heart...with each cheek enjoying its own life force. I feel my nature rise.

She comes back, looks down places the beer on a table, I lean back as she gives me brain, my toes begin to curl, I grab the blanket she laid down on the floor, my back arches up, I'm twisting around, she works it, licks it, taste it, says she likes how I taste.

It doesn't take me long; she drinks me deep, than crawls up and lays down on me, wiping her mouth like she just finished eating at Shanes rib shack.

So Anton, what's your story.

I can barely speak I exhale slowly and say to her. You want to talk, why we can't just lay here and enjoy the sex, talking makes things all messy and shit.

I like to know who I'm fucking with, no crime in pillow talk, here if it's too hard for you let me go first.

It was hard but you took care of that a few minutes ago.

Not that silly boy, what is it they say Quid pro quo?

Ok, ok, you first I've got to say I haven't had the pleasure of meeting a woman as decisive as you, you're like a dude.

Why is that - because I don't feel the need for a bunch of bullshit smalltalk just to end up in bed when we can skip all that and get right to it?

Yep, that's what I'm talking about, I mean sometimes all two people have in common is a good sexual encounter, no life long relationship, not every hookup has to end up with forever. I mean most times it only ends with bags being packed, names being called, stuff being thrown and broken.

Wow Anton, is that how you feel about women, I mean downright is that what you see us as, pleasure instruments?

I'm silent; she called me on my shit.

That's how YOU came off, like men are walking vibrators.

Not at all, I have friendships that also tend to be fuckships but ultimately they end up just being about the sex; however we do maintain a level of friendship and respect, from what you just said it never gets to that point and that's sad.

Sad but true, I aint never lied that's just been how I operated I'm not saying it's right.

I hear you Anton; at least you claim your shit, although it still sounds like your running from something.

Sonia, girl I know this is our first tryst but damn girl you so sexy you make the air in the room stand still, really Sonia sex with you has the potential to be downright addictive, and as you know most of us not only think with it we lust with it and that can be a dangerous combination with the wrong dude.

And you aint never lied right there, truly.

I wanted to stay, here I was fucking exposed and I wanted to be here with her, she engaged me in a way no other woman has, she had just as much shit with her as I did with me.

Sonia, I got a question for you, check this out, why can a woman dump a man, cheat on him when she wants too and it's ok, dude is supposed to just slide off in the sunset with his dick in his hands.

Let a man do that and he's all kinds of no good pieces of shit scumbag motherfuckers, huh? That's a double standard if I ever seen one.

I have no answer for you Anton, on the affairs of other women I am no expert, as for me that's a different story I'm a work in progress, want another beer?

You didn't answer that one, your armor is shiny and strong, must have taken many years to have that, but nah I'm good on the beer I have to get going got something to do in the am?

That's fine I was just about to ask you to leave anyway.

My ego is bruised.

Aww you thought I was going to ask you to stay how cute.

Like I said, I'm good Sonia. I try to play it off, I don't think I'm doing a good job she has my playbook.

She kisses me slowly on the lips as I'm getting dressed, she walks ahead of me with that beautiful ass, and she knows it too.

I want to see you again Sonia. Shit I said it first.

Yeah I bet you do, I'll call you we can do lunch or something.

Lunch or something - she says it so blasé, my ego takes another body blow I must respond - I say Ok that'll be cool.

I look at my watch its easily 4am, I figure I can get in a quick five hours of sleep. I think to myself any loss of sleep I have is ok she was well worth it. I can't seem to stop thinking about our night together, how she came on to me and took charge, made me feel good, real good.

She is a challenge she thinks she's tough and that she can't be got, anyone can be got, when they finally let all those walls down that it took years to build they fall the hardest. I wonder if I'm uttering a self-fulfilling prophecy, yeah she got me thinking.

She got me thinking in what-if scenarios and perhaps this or maybe that, questioning my own reason for hooking up. I wonder is it because of everything that happened to me over the last couple of days.

With my Dad about to get married and again moving to another continent I'm really thinking about love, damn I said it love.

My Dad is a believer of love, he keeps trying to find it, he hopes in it and I must admit Cecilia has been very good for him, she has changed his life and for that I am truly thankful. I love that man, he raised us the best he could and Amanda is going to protect him with her life if she had too. And then I digress, think of Sonia and say to myself the pussy was good.

I get home; take a quick shower, the bed is soft inviting and warm I roll over, look up at the ceiling and think about Sonia, and I get hard, well my body seems to like her and that's just on thought alone, she really turns me on, I blink once, twice – sleepy time.

Her hair brushed against my face, I don't see her face, just her shoulders, I reach out and place my hand on her left shoulder, its cold and she lurches forward as if my touch somehow causes pain. I move forward but I'm blinded by her hair, it's now covering me all over, like a demonic Rapunzel each strand of hair starts to move individually, like the tentacles of an octopus, they grab my arms, legs then slowly one wraps around my neck, squeezing, I can't breathe, what the fuck is going on.

This sound echoes around me unlike anything I've ever heard before not human, more like the wretched howl of a wounded wolf. The woman in front of me slowly turns; I see her naked body, huge booming breast bouncing like two water balloons. I look up and see hollowed out eye sockets, mouth gaping wide open down to her chest, she's floating to me quickly I'm still unable to move, unable to yell. I wake up; look around the room gasping for air, a dream. What the fuck?

Power of the P

The sound of Jay-z 99 problems wakes me up, that's the ring tone for my buddy Cedric, dude got more shit going on in his life. It's as if he has this giant black cloud that rains piss following him around.

Sup C how are you doing man?

Anton, I fucked up man, I fucked up.

His voice is strange; sounds like someone smashed him in the balls

Ok, slow down dude, what's going on?

I'm, I'm in my car, yeah that's it, I'm in my car headed out of town man, Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god...

Cedric slow down man, can you pull over and talk to me?

Nah bruh, gotta keep moving, man that bitch she was no fucking good that fucking bitch she was no damn good man.

He's obviously talking about the stripper who's clearly been using the shit out of him, this is not sounding good at all.

Ok C, tell me what's up man, what's going on what happened?

That fucking bitch man, she was using me man.

He starts to break down; I can hardly understand him he's sobbing profusely, screaming and wailing, a broken heart.

Anton, I came home man and she was in bed sucking this dudes dick, I just stood there watching man, watching and for a minute I got turned on, than it dawned on me what was happening right in front of me so I killed them both, shot that hoe right in the back of her head and put a bullet in that piece of shit she was in bed with.

At this the more he tells me, the more worried I become.

Cedric, dude you know you have to turn yourself in man.

Fuck that shit; I'm on the run dude.

Cedric, come on man you can't run from this shit man they going to get you bro, do yourself a favor it's not going to end well for you.

Cedric answer me. I'm shouting into the phone now but no answer on his end, the phone goes dead he hung up on me.

Like I said 99 problems, we all knew this chick was bad news for him. She was a big booty chocolate stripper with these big brown eyes, full lips and voluptuous body, hips, ass, tits, lips she was made for a stripper pole.

She was into the game, and men fell for her, Cedric met her, called me and said I'm in love with a stripper, to which I replied Oh daaamn.

And she put it on him something mean; he worked tirelessly for her, slaved for her whims and desires.

She was his temple and he worshiped her daily with sacrifices of his time and money, his life.

He was projecting this illusion of white fences, big house, SUV's and children. Essentially he was trying to turn a hoe into a housewife, a task many a man has tried, and failed miserably, hearts in their hands weeping sadly with clown makeup on.

We warned him after the first affair that maybe he should cut his losses; he moved out and got his own place. She pursued him to no end, we were baffled by this.

Finally he acquiesced to her overtures, she came over with the raincoat and naked body routine, smelling like his favorite perfume, he was of course whipped and all she had to do was show him the P and it was a wrap.

So she moved into his new home, with a bag of apologies and crossed fingers, you see he was an easy lay, he provided her with extra comforts she wouldn't have to pay for as long as she fucked him good, by sexing him she totally emasculated him.

Sadly this is a trend across America there are some men who are effeminate and as such are bird food for these types of women. I thank god every day for my dad, he raised me to be a man, my ways are not attributed to anything he has done wrong my ways are my ways.

I try to call back but the call goes right to voicemail.

It's one thing to read about this shit, another to be in the midst of it - surreal.

My phone buzzes while I'm trying to reach Cedric, its Jasper.

Anton - what the fuck man?

I take it you heard about C?

Man that shits all over the news right now.

I was talking to him a few minutes ago, where are you?

I'm home watching this crazy shit, I told you man; one day he was going to hurt somebody over that scandalous hoe. Never thought he'd fucking pop her, he was in love.

I wouldn't say he loved her, more like the pussy.

Whatever dude – still nothing is worth that.

Easy for you to say Jasper, you don't care about nobody but yourself.

Whoa bubba, this from the guy fucking his girlfriend's best friend.

He's got me there, off my high horse now.

Yeah ok, where both heartless fucks, in any event Cedric was just trying to do the right thing man I feel for him.

Oh no doubt me too, not gonna lie I like C, but to tell you the truth, I fucked that hoe way before he met her. She told me her pussy was her opportunity to get things done, it was her way to get the things she needed, and to her a fuck was business.

I often thought about pimping her out, she honestly believed her pussy was her money maker.

That's a shame to hear, and to think he knew this but he still gave her his heart and love, I don't get it.

Nothing to get really, some like good girls some like bad girls, he understood what she came with and ignored it, blinded and shit by the hope of what if, maybe, just this once type shit - fuck that man. When my time comes to settle down, I'm not settling for a female version of me.

You said it man, so many of us settle for shit we don't have too because we don't want to wait. Hell - even if we settle it never feels right, it always feels a little off, never comfortable who wants that?

Apparently a lot of folks do Anton, I gotta go dude just called to see if you heard about this. Dude I still can't believe he did it though.

Yeah me either, talk to you later. I look through my IPhone locate the app that controls my flat screen, I walk towards the living room, it fires up, pull up the local news channel there's the news caster in front of Cedric's house, their carting out the dead bodies already, I'm still in a state of disbelief.

My phone rings again, I look down to see whose calling, answer.

Hey Dad, you see this?

Yes Anton what a shame really is.

I know Dad, I mean he's on the run like some kind of murderer; he's going to be hunted down.

Anton, he is a murderer, it takes more courage to walk away.

I listen to my Dad because he's talking from experience not some bro-science.

How did you do it Dad, how?

Consequential thinking my boy, weighed the consequences of my actions if I do this, this is what will happen, if I do that, that's what will happen. My freedom or my pride, the thing is pride will heal itself, but freedom, once you cross that line it's pretty much a total loss.

I'm not made for jail, and plus I thought about you, your sister your brother. I needed to be around for you guys, to raise you, be in your lives I loved you more than my pride.

Don't get me wrong I was devastated, do you hear me devastated, and still today I have moments but it's a whole lot better than it ever was.

I pause, don't know what to say my Dad has never spoken to me about how he dealt with the cheating and leaving, perhaps this event struck home with him.

Listen Dad, we know the sacrifice you made for us, and we love you for it, we do.

Thank you Son, I love you guys too, and Cecilia is and has been good for me and even though you think I shouldn't get married again what can I say – she is my muse I feel like there's nothing I can't do with her. Of men I'm most fortunate.

I'm happy she is all that to you, we wish you two a good life together.

When are you going to settle down Anton, I mean find a nice woman and make me some grand children?

Uh yeah Dad, one marriage at a time, I'm enjoying my solidarity, I like coming and going as I please without answering to anyone.

Is that what you think being in a committed relationship is about, answering to someone?

You know what I mean; I'm just not ready for that.

Ah I see you don't want to be responsible for contributing to someone else besides yourself?

He nailed it; he always does - my silence on the phone gives him his confirmation that he hit the spot.

I love you Anton, be better than me.

I think how can I be better than this man?

Well I'm glad I called considering the circumstances, I didn't call to razz you out, just wanted to touch bases with you over this Cedric thing.

Hey Dad, when are you and Cecilia leaving for Africa?

In about a couple more weeks, were getting our travel arrangements sorted, well rather she is, man I love that woman.

As he says that I recall how he looked at Cecilia the other night at his house, or rather how they looked at each other. How he walked the house looking to protect his woman from my sister. I believe him, he's that kind of man he leads with his heart, and he's courageous about it, taking chances with love.

Be better than him he says, shit I'd like to be better than myself, that would be a good start.

Friends, Lovers and shit like that.

Even though I took the day off, I find myself logging on to work, I suppose that is the one thing I'm passionate about, I love what I do, being the editor for an up and coming fashion magazine has been both rewarding and challenging, we have the audience, a huge web presence on Facebook, Twitter our blog is through the roof and our cover spreads are among the best in the industry.

I log in and see that it's African Fashion Week London or AFWL as it's called by us insiders. We have a presence in London; she sent some photos and a Video Blog to post up on our site once I give it the thumbs up, which is hard to do because girlfriends work is inconsistent as hell.

But for some reason unbeknownst to me, God and the cosmos my boss sees in her a kindred spirit she said she reminds her when she was starting out, I say really because girlfriend is a total space cadet, she looks up at me over her Gucci glasses says sternly people change you know.

Yepper, she even told me to keep my dick away from the vicinity of her vagina. She knows me all too well, I didn't take her advice to heart, we went out on one date, kissed but I couldn't get her to bed with me.

My boss whose name is Felicity, I call her fallatio in a questioning tone as if I'm asking and waiting for her to say sure why not. She calls me a walking talking homo erection; we laugh and get to the business of running the mag.

I know it borders on sexual harassment but that's how we are, we been friends since college, she's a lesbian and loves her partner to death, although her partner hates my guts and for the life of me I cannot figure out why is it because I do the tongue between two fingers in a v at her, nah that can't be it.

My TV's caller id flashes my home is very well connected, I wave my hand over the phone icon, perform a pressing down motion, answer.

Hi Anton how are you doing?

Sonia, wow you called me first, I must have put my A game on that ass.

Yeah right you got my head all swerving and shit like that, I'm whipped already aaiiiieee poppy.

Yeah boy I told you I got dem skillz.

Damn boy you that easy?

I thought you were giving credit where credit is due.

I'll admit like I said you lasted a lot longer then the last few I been with, the only thing I like quick is my morning drive to work.

Well said on that one girl, so what's on your mind, I'm glad you called a brother.

I wanted to know if you wanted to go with me to Open Mic at the Poets Nook.

Nook, did you say nookie?

Boy is that all you think about?

Can't help myself, I'm hooked on your fuzzy morphine; I need a shot to feel like myself again.

Wow, you are whipped, I'm coming to you this time, we can leave for the poetry jam from your place, and then maybe I'll let you smell it.

Bring your sexy ass on, I'll be waiting.

Ok Ant I'll see you later.

Is that it, call a brother asks him out and hang up no pillow talk?

Maybe tonight, we can make the pillow scream.

Works for me, so what time you want to do this?

I'll be there around eightish or so, be dressed and ready.

I'll be ready.

Dressed and ready Ant.

Yeah, I'll have my hat on.

What am I going to do with you, it's gotta be more than that with us Ant.

More, yeah you're right I would like to get to know you better, so tonight I'll be on my best behavior I promise.

Anton, I'd like that, it's nice to hear you talk like a human instead of a hard on.

Touché my dear, I do have a fair amount of intelligence which at times is not superseded my animalistic tendencies.

It would be nice to be made love too intelligently, emotionally, it makes the physical all that more intense.

Well allow me to lay you down on the bed of my mind, light the room with the candles of my words, and touch you with the rhythm of my song, I want to see you shiver with pleasure as I enter your soul with the beat of my heart.

She is quiet, but I hear her thinking, I hear her breathing slowly she sighs, a long deliberate sigh like it came from the depths of her being.

Ant, I knew you had it in you, I'm all wet now see what you did to me.

You talking about me talking nasty - see there goes that double standard you women throw around - I'll take it.

Forever the critic, can't you just enjoy the moment, know that you got me and enjoy me.

She says it, without me even asking she says it; I got her, she doesn't know it but I think it's the other way around.

I think whoever said the way to a man's heart is his stomach forgot the obvious that from the overwhelming evidence it's his dick too.

Cool, I'll see you around eight.

Ok Ant I'd like that I'll see you later.

Ok Sonia I'll see you later. The call ends, I do a swipe motion that moves the phone away from the screen.

I sit back now, instead of focusing on work I'm thinking about Sonia and that beautiful coco complexion and that bombastic ass, as my dad is oft found saying lord have mercy.

At the time I couldn't figure out why he would bite his fist, squint his eyes and say that, now I'm fully aware of it and again I say Lord have mercy.

I get excited at the prospect of seeing Sonia, my body gets warm all over, and a smile slowly slides on my face, I say to myself damn I'm good, quickest turn around - Ever.

Perhaps the same can be said for breakups as they say for getting drunk, more of the hair that bit you, in this case have a woman to get over a woman.

Some would say my logic is faulty, ego driven, avoidance and to which I say damn skippy who wants to be crawled in a fetal position with a bottle of patron screaming make it stop at the top of their lungs, not me I tell you, not me.

And so it goes - into the arms of another woman. The doorbell rings, I wave to the TV pull up the door cam and the intercom, its Sonia, I pan the camera up and down on her she stands with her hands crossed in front of her, when I pan the camera back up to her face I'm hit in the gut with just how beautiful she is.

Are you going to let me in or do I have to put on a show for you?

Umm let me see, while a show would be nice, the kind of show I have in mind is not for public consumption, I'll let you in.

I buzz her in, look around make sure no remnants of my last relationship are lingering, she'd pick that shit up quick and I don't want to fuckup my chances to get laid.

I throw on my slim fit pants, but leave my shirt off, show off my body, I open the door for her bowing like she is royalty, she smacks me on the butt as she walks past, I turn and look at that ass I adore so much.

She notices me notice her and she throws some hip in that walk – lord, have mercy.

You have a nice place Anton, I like your vibe not at all like I was expecting. She says as she walks to the bar.

I stand looking at her, staring at her and I feel something, a shiver comes over me.

She looks up at me, asks where the good stuff is, I walk over behind her, place my hands around her waist, she bends over and pushes her ass against my already hard dick.

Anton, we can get to that later, fix me a drink will you please.

Uh yeah right who's pushing what on who, girl you got me on swole right now.

Umm let me see. With that she turns around, biting her bottom lip staring down at my rising nature.

You must be captain on deck, as soon as you walked in made me stand at attention.

You have a way with words don't you Anton; go get dressed please so we can get some good seats.

Ok I'll be a sec.

Wait my drink first.

But you just said get dressed so we can leave.

I also said fix me a drink first, what's wrong not enough blood to your top head unable to think in a sequential fashion?

You got jokes girl, it's all good though, here I know what you want, and I reach down and pull up the bourbon.

Ooo, Anton - Pappy Van Winkle's 23 year old bourbon, damn boy you got good taste.

Inside I light up like a fireworks warehouse explosion, she knows her American whiskey.

I slowly rise ask her would she like a tulip glass, she points to the rock glass, I comply I ask her straight, neat or over ice, she says straight don't want to corrupt the taste of the bourbon.

I comply pouring her a nice dry pour, I hand her the glass, she slowly tips it to her mouth I hear her breathing in the aroma, and she closes her eyes and slowly allows the bourbon to make its way down.

She opens her eyes, tilts her head sideways and gives me a closed mouth smile. I give her a head nod and pose with a fake gang sign that for all I know looked like I crushed my fingers in the door, whatever – I head back to get dressed.

Were in the car I love Drake, can't get enough of him, his songs get me through the day. She un-syncs my IPad from the dashboard dock and places hers in. She just does whatever the fuck she wants to do, I love it.

She hits the play button and this chill out music starts to blow through my Bose system and it sounds good, next thing she does makes me want to go steady.

She unstraps from her seat, unzips my pants and proceeds to give me head while I'm driving.

We stop at a traffic light, her head going up and down, my shoulders hunched up, mouth slowly open, eyes halfway closed, I hear a series of horn beeps, I'm holding up traffic, I try to start the car but she hits the head just right and instead I accelerate, shit, shit shit.

She stops just short of me getting off, sits back and straps in.

I had a sweet tooth attack and needed a cream filled chocolate fix, taste like I remember.

I shake my head and tell her she's not right.

We laugh and laugh as we pull up to the valet.

I get out first then go over and open the door for her; I give her my hand and help her out.

I get the valet ticket she places her arm under mines and we walk into the club. I'm feeling like rock royalty right about now.

We walk in the club, its dimly lit, candles on all tables, booths situated on the periphery, I point to a booth and the host seats us.

I like the ambience here, very grown up in a silky smooth kind of way.

There are smooth jazz tunes being played by a quartet on the stage. I scan the audience don't see anybody I know yet, Jasper of all people would be here as a matter of fact I've heard him mention this place on occasion, I was like really dude, an old head spot? Not happening – who knew.

The waitress walks over we order two glasses of bourbon neat.

I look over at her, the candle light flickering it engages her beautiful skin, it glows and glistens, the flame reflected in her eyes.

You like it here? She asks me, I reply that I do that I think it's nice, I especially like the way they entertain with a small quartet before bringing on the poets.

Then as were speaking I hear her name shouted from behind me, Sonia, Sonia I hear it's getting closer, closer almost on top of me. This guy walks up to her, she gets up from the booth, they embrace do a cheek kiss. I try to stay cool but my stomach does flips and my chest tightens.

I get up and introduce myself, shake his hand tightly while maintaining eye contact.

He smiles at me then goes back to talking to Sonia, they are still embracing, he has his hand around her waist, and I'm going to fuck him up if he doesn't move his fucking hand. Then I see it move slowly in the direction of her ass, they do a quick embrace, whisper something, he walks past me winks and disappears into the dark of the club.

Just then I hear this song, its John Coltrane's tune A love supreme, my dad used to play it he loved Trane.

Anton why are you looking like a lost little boy, are you jealous, oh how cute, really?

I don't know how to respond, I just met her and for me to feel like this about a woman is out of character – totally.

I was feeling some kind of way, were out together and dude was trying to grab on your ass in front of me, I felt disrespected, don't do that while your with me.

We're not like that Anton, I have friends why are you getting all possessive, come on boy don't ruin this thing we got going here, I told you I date and have some men friends I'm still close too.

Oh you mean you're still fucking and sucking right?

Whatever, listen are you going to sit there and be upset because one of my lovers spoke to me or are you going to suck it up and enjoy the night, I'll make it up to you later I promise, I'm thirsty for the creamy filling in the middle of that chocolate stick, I promise I'll drink it all up.

I look at her, damn that freaky shit gets me, I think about how she teased me earlier, I get hard, she slides over in the booth, unzips my pants and rubs my now rock hard dick. She blows on my ear and kisses my neck; I become docile again like an angry rottweiler that's just been fed by its master, fuck me what the hell is going on.

She makes me feel like I'm not in control anymore and I like it, being around her makes me crazy and horny and happy and alive and crazy again, damn roller-coaster ride – what the fuck.

I sit back while she slowly rubs my crotch; I tell her if she keeps this up were going to miss the show. She smiles at me says she's just making sure I'm not tripping. Tripping, imagine that shit, then the lights on the stage go all blue, the announcer walks up he's about to introduce the first poet.

Hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to tonight's poetry jam are you ready for some poetry? He whispers into the mike, slow and all Barry White like.

Well then people let me introduce your ears to some home grown talent, Abdul-Malik, give it up for Abdul Malik.

Snapping of fingers and lifting of candles flow around the room, I figure this must be how they clap; OK I get it - some artsy shit. I look over at Sonia she's doing the finger snap thing and smiling from ear to ear, she glances over at me, takes a sip of her drink still eyeing me, she slowly moves her head around to focus on the stage.

I watch this dude, walk up, with his black skinny pants, black bicep shirt open wide and a slew of Indian wooden bracelets on his wrist, sunglasses and he's sporting a dry curl Mohawk, clearly he's got some style, I think I'll cop that look.

Hello my beautiful people, I'm loving this vibe, I'm loving this city and I'm loving you.

British accent sounds all Shakespearean and shit, just then the lights dim to a glow and the stage light narrows to a beam pointing directly on him, the band in the background begin a slow drum beat, with a lead guitar sounding all acoustic, Ok I like this so far.

I call this Healing kiss

When I met you all I know is how you made me feel

I remember you asking me is this real

I whispered softy, these words in your ear

From my love and my kisses you've nothing to fear.

I know the nights have been long, your heart locked away.

You lost hope in a beautiful loving day.

I see your scars; they form a river of tears.

I see the pain; it's made a mountain of fears.

I don't promise that I can make it all go away

I promise that I'll give you better days.

I'll love you with the essence of my soul boo.

Until the day comes when you see what I do.

I'll be the balm to your soul, the mystic to your heart.

I'll walk with you as you pick up all the parts.

I know what you need, I feel what you want I'm what you

Want.

You're the air I breathe, you're the blue sky to my cloudy days, you're the warmth to my coldness, you're my everything I tell you this.

Come to me and my healing kiss.

I'm looking at Sonia, she becomes a vision of beauty to me, and his words, his words, shit If I was a woman I'd be gushing in my panties, and I wonder is this what my Dad desires, is this that feeling I've been fighting like hell not to experience, I'm staring at Sonia.

Oh Anton, wasn't that so beautiful. She says as she takes a sip of her drink, she reaches out to touch my hand, I rub her hand with my thumb enamored by her beauty.

We sit through a few more sets before she tells me she wants to go meet Abdul-Malik. I say sure lets go, she waves me down says she wants to meet him talk a few minutes about his prose, she tells me to go ahead and get the car and that she'll meet me outside, she kisses me, long soft tongue kiss, she bites my bottom lip and walks off into the dark of the night club.

She's going to drive me nuts, I want to possess her, control her every movement around me, but what fun is caging a beautiful bird that's meant to fly free.

Begrudgingly I comply and head to the valet, all the while I'm eyeballing her as she makes her way to Abdul-Malik's table. He gets up and gives her a hug, she kisses him on the side of the face. I walk out to the car so this is what it feels like when I do this, hmmm interesting not a good look on me.

I get the car, I'm still waiting for her, I've lost track of time, as I start to get out and go back into the club I see her walking out hugged up with Abdul-Malik, they embrace and she walks over to the car.

You done with your groupie shit?

Anton there you go with that jealous shit again we are not hooked up boy what did I tell you earlier I am not your possession chill with that shit?

I'm just saying Sonia, were out together and your flirting in my face that shit is disrespectful yo.

She reaches across and grabs my crotch, looks up at me and says drive while I give you the best brain of your life.

Even though I'm pissed, I get hard, and even though she's a flirt for some reason that shit turns me on. I pull off and she begins to give me head while I'm driving. And sure enough it's the best head I've ever had . She sits back in the passenger seat, licks her lips then reaches over kiss me.

Nah girl I'm not kissing my dick.

I kiss you when you eat me.

Uh yeah that's you Sonia, it's not quite the same.

Why are you guys so homophobic about kissing a girl that just gave you head, it's your dick you know, part of you and what not.

That may be the case, I'm just not liking that.

Sonia what's the deal with Poetry Boy?

Why's it have to be a deal Anton, can I be a fan?

I know what kind of fan you are.

Your touchy boy, slow them jets baby, look at my hand what do you not see?

That's right no wedding or engagement ring which means up until the day I'm married I can do who and whatever I want.

I'm silent, I want to say a quick stab at her to show I'm in charge of the situation, nothing comes out, I just drive silent pouting like a five year old baby this is not cool.

Listen Anton, I'm good tonight just take me home, I'll call you when you've settled down, I like having and making friends and with my friends I determine what level I'm going to be with them not you. So just take me home.

Sonia, I, I'm sorry baby.

Apology accepted baby boy, but still take my black ass home, you should be good for the night.

That was the best head I've ever had Sonia, I'm tripping right now because that, excuse the pun - Blew my mind.

You are cute Anton I want you to know that, don't worry I'm going to keep you around I like you.

Keep me around?

Yeah, like I said you're cute.

Sonia, how old are you?

Why are you asking, if you must know I'm an easy 32.

I was curious because you're always using inflections that make me out to be some pimple nosed school boy.

You act like it Anton, like a little boy sometimes, all anxious and shit, just relax and enjoy what we got going for us.

We pull up to her crib she puts her code into her phone and the gate opens, we head to her house, she gets out, leans in and blows me a kiss. I watch her walk away because I'm in love with that booty, that booty, as she walks away each cheek moves with its own life, she looks back at me over her shoulder, puts her key in the door and is gone.

I sit back and sigh, the kind of sigh that's attached to a thought, that's attached to a feeling this is quite new to me, I pull off screeching and burning rubber, didn't mean to do that.

I like how I feel when I'm with her, but is she with me?

The Tao of Cedrick

The alarm on my phone goes off, I roll over to tap it off head to the bathroom, drain my morning wood, try to make sure the split stream when I piss doesn't splatter on the wall and floors, I swear it's like a freaking fire hose, I suppose in the grand scheme of things that's good.

Me and Sonia been chilling with each other for a few weeks, every now and then she will crash at my spot and they are the best times – ever. We eat, hang out watch movies and fuck like two crazed lions, the last fuck is the sleeping pill for us and were out.

And when she's not here I miss her. I smell her side of the bed; she leaves little reminders in my place, like her red silk laced thong panties, her Burberry perfume in the bathroom, her yellow coffee cup that she cradles with her hands when she is sipping coffee her hair falling over the side of her face.

I realize that I just spent the last fifteen minutes daydreaming about her, missing her, a warmness envelopes my chest, I care deeply for her. She makes me write better at work, I smile more, I dress better, I look at the future in a brand new way because of her, and she is making me a better man.

Shit I haven't even thought about another woman, me of all dudes being faithful to one pussy, me and I like it, whenever were together she seems like more than one woman.

That's it she feels to me like a collage of different women, each time we make love she is trying something different, each time we kiss its seems more passionate, each time we embrace it feels like she is taking up that much more space in my soul, where do I begin and she ends I wonder, I wonder.

Am I losing myself in this, I'm only 26 and never felt anything quite like this for a woman.

Love – perhaps, or as I understand it to be, at least I know Love is action, about giving. I took for granted when it was given to me, like it was my god given right to receive or discard, treating women's feelings like throwaway items, detached, no wonder My exes don't talk to me anymore I've truly been a piece of shit.

Just then the phone rings stopping my spiral into self-deprecation. I look at the caller-id, it's a number I don't recognize I answer anyway – Hello?

Yo Anton, man dude I don't know who else to call.

The voice on the other end is shouting my name, taking large gulps, breathing heavily, they say my name again and I realize its Cedrick.

Dude, what the fuck man, where are you?

Oh man, I think they got me cornered, I had to ditch the car, and I'm on foot now, don't know where the fuck I'm at grabbed this burner cell phone to call you.

Cedrick man, like I said you can't run from this forever man, dude you killed people.

Silence, the erratic movement that I heard is gone, just breathing. Sobbing, deep heaves coming from the bottom of what's left of his life.

Anton, please I don't know what happen man, I' I , j-just lost it man, I loved her Anton, she was my world, my everything, how could she do this to me man, how I gave her everything, everything, oh man, oh man ..oh my god Anton, I don't believe this is happening man, what am I going to do, what am I going to do?

Ok, ok, listen where you are, are you somewhere you can hide for a bit and talk, can you get somewhere quiet and out the way?

I'm, I'm looking, looking, its dark I'm on the side of the freeway man, I'm on I-85 I was heading up north maybe as far as upstate hopefully get the hell outta here, outta the country man.

Dude I thought you would be long gone by now at least out of the state.

I don't know man, I just couldn't leave I don't know where to go.

Cedrick, you know I'm your friend, I'm sorry you went through this man you know I understand my old man went through the same thing and I feel you son, I feel you.

Anton, you and Jasper, you didn't know her like I did, I know she had some trickish ways, she was promising me she was going to change, she promised me that she would stop dancing she just loved it so much, oh man I killed her, I killed her.

He starts to break down again, I want to comfort him, but even though she was a dirty jump off of a hoe, no one has the right to kill anybody; we don't own each other's lives or have the right to tell them how to live.

Listen Cedrick, you're really going to have to turn yourself in man, I can call Jasper and we can come get you.

Fuck that shit man, I'm not made for jail, I'm not. No way I'm going to go in and you know the real deal man, I'm done when they catch me, fucking done, And I'm not going out like that.

So how you plan on doing this man, you gotta know that all of us are going to be under the wire soon so it won't be safe to call anymore, it won't.

Yeah I guess dude, listen Anton for what it's worth man, you're really alright; I hope you find someone that you can let in over that Chinese wall of yours.

Derick, come on man, your fucking scaring me right now.

Yeah I know Dude, shits crazy aint it.

With that I hear a loud bang; I lurch forward pulling the phone from my ear.

I place it back, frantically calling out his name, saying over and over again Derrick, Derrick but no answer.

Did He fucking do it, did he shoot himself?

This is nuts, I stand feeling empty, staring off into space, phone at my side; I can hear the bristle of leaves and cars passing by.

Then a voice comes over the phone.

Hello, who's this? I hear the authority in their voice.

This is GA State Trooper Davies, who am I speaking with?

I try to clear my throat and answer, only a murmur comes out, something akin to a tiny whisper.

He asks again this time with more authority.

I'm silent, I try to answer but unable to make a sound, my reality's bent out of shape my friend just shot himself.

He asks again this time with more force, I'm joggled out my stupor long enough to phrase a somewhat coherent answer.

I'm Anton, is he, is he...? I'm unable to own the thought.

He's dead, your friend is dead; I'm going to need your information. I give the State trooper my information as requested, he tells me he's going to have someone come by my place to question me and he hangs up.

And that's it, that's how a life ends what a fucking mess.

I crumple down on my chair, I read about this stuff happening but it's always to other people, like I'm living in some bubble where shit happens to other people, not me, not my friends, but here it is now, today.

Doorbell, I hear it but it sounds like it's far far away, it's ringing again. I slowly walk to open the door I don't even fire up the intercom.

As I open the door I see Jasper and my brother Chris, I walk away leaving the door open, they walk in.

I turn to Jasper and Chris my expression empty.

Yo Ant, you okay kid? Chris says as he walks up to me.

Jasper walks over to the bar, grabs a beer, motions to Chris if he wants one, he does, and motions to me I decline.

I was talking to him and he did it, he just did it right there over the phone, just like that man. I whisper, looking down at my feet.

Anton, this is crazy man. Jasper says as he takes a swig of the beer.

All of us knew this thing with that ratchet hoe was going to do down badly, we knew someone was going to get hurt and we all knew it was going to be Derrick, but daaamn who knew he would do this man, what the fuck dude.

Anton don't beat yourself up man, it's not your fault he did this to himself Chris says. I find this strange that Chris is here, I haven't seen him for a couple of months.

Ant don't look at me like that, I can hear the wheels in your head going man, I don't want nothing I'm scraight. Chris says to me as he chugs down the beer.

Your my bro man, and we all just lost a friend today real talk son.

And the stripping world suffered a lost as well. With that Jasper and Chris tap their beer bottle necks in a toast.

How can you dicks even do that man that's some heartless shit, I say as I head over to the bar opening the fridge and gabbing a water.

Chris, I just thought you should know Atlanta's finest are on the way so maybe you should get ghost.

Anton, that's fucked up, why you want to call me out like that - how much time before they get here?

Before I say a few minutes Chris is gone.

Jasper moves over to the couch opening another beer, he looks up with a sideways smile, sits back and takes a swig.

Doorbell rings, I head over to it, again I don't even bother with the intercom it's the Police - couple of Detectives and some officers.

I let them in they have this look in their eyes, its caution I hope this doesn't end bad for me too; there are two things that don't go well together – being black and police.

I let them in, the two officers stand by the door, hands in front of them staring at Jasper, I give Jasper the be cool and chill look. He does not like cops, doesn't give a fuck about jail and can handle himself in a knife fight, an all-around nice guy. I'm glad he's here to be honest.

I'm Detective Hard and this is Detective Dick.

I look at Jasper, and we both have the - you've got to be kidding expression on our faces.

So you're Hard Dick? Jasper says smiling then drinking the beer.

Yeah, yeah we get that a lot, enough already. Detective Hard says staring at Jasper.

Detective Dick looks down pulls out a notepad and prepares to ask us questions about Derrick.

We answer the questions; they wrap up and begin to leave when one of the officers at the door yells out.

I know you, yeah you, I was standing here saying where have I seen him at and sure enough I remember – you're the YouTube and Facebook dude who cheated on his girlfriend.

She owned you on social media; they even have meme's and mashups for you now, man they took frames from your video and posted it up on instagram, she even tweeted about it, it's got a massive thread by the way, you're like infamous.

Detective Hard pushes the Officer out the door; Detective Dick apologizes for the apparent groupies saying these next gen space cops are all fresh and stupid. They have to take their iPhones and droids away from them so they can focus.

And with that Hard Dick is no more, fucking classic.

That was weird and its only 11am in the morning what's the rest of the day got in store? Jasper says.

I still can't believe you're up this early, aren't you nocturnal or some shit like that?

Funny man Anton, your my boy I figured you needed some support, speaking of where's your girl?

Funny he said that, with all the stuff happening I never gave it much thought until now.

That's ok dude, you need me to hang around you need anything?

I'm good Jasper I'm good I'm glad you came when you did really but the Chris thing what's up with that?

Oh your Brother, yeah he came by my crib we blew some trees and then we decided to check on you.

Jasper you guys came over here blunted in front of cops?

Don't bother me, I could pilot a jet blazed out but your brother he's like a roach in the light, you see what he did.

Yeah I thought that was weird but then I just attributed that to Chris being Chris you know?

Well I'm out dude; if you need me hit me up.

We give each other a bro hug, he leaves and my thoughts wander to Sonia, she knows my friends, I practically tell her everything, I call her phone no answer, I wait a few minutes call again let it ring voice mail picks up. I feel anxious all of sudden. My phone buzzes, I look down it's a text. She's asking me if I'm alright and that she'll check on me later.

Fuck, check on me later, what kind of shit is that, check on me later, I'm pissed off, so I grab my keys, run to the car and head over to her house.

I get to her complex and I'm in luck the gate is open, man that almost never happens this place has tight security, no guards at the front as I drive in I look over and see the reason why, looks like an accident, Atlanta and rain no surprise there. I don't get it; it's like as soon as the rain hits the ground people start having the strange desire to run into each other, guard rails, off the road, shit like that - wow.

I pull up to her house and notice another car in the driveway, a black Audi R8 those things cost over a hundred thousand dollars, who's the baller - definitely has a masculine vibe to it.

My heart is beating to the top of my chest; I can feel it in my throat, inhale, and exhale breathing slowly. I have a key to the door, I made a copy on the sly, don't know why but I did, stalker move? Yep.

I walk in, look around, lights are out, taking deep breathes, it dawns on me that I'm the one invading, even if I have a key, I say fuck it, rationality flies out the window to insanity, cuz this shit I'm doing is fucking nuts.

I walk to the kitchen see wine glasses, cheese and fruit and an empty bottle of wine, I pick up the wine, look at it place it back down, laughter, a man's voice, footsteps coming in my direction, towards the kitchen, I don't move.

I sit down and cross my legs, reach across the table for the cigarettes, I haven't smoked in two years, I light it and take a drag like it was yesterday, it gags me at first, I take another drag, slowly let the smoke fill my lungs, I let the smoke come out of my nose, it floats in front of me, I suck it back in, look up its Sonia, she's glistening with sweat and oil, naked.

What the fuck, why are you here, how the hell did you get into my house. She yells at me, clearly she's pissed off.

I hear the dude yelling Sonia you alright baby, you alright.

She yells for him to stay upstairs, staring at me through eyes ablaze with red. I just sit there, take another drag on the cigarette, take another drag, and blow the smoke out slowly. Dude pops into the kitchen anyway, it's the poet from the Poetry club that Abdul-Malik guy, figures.

So this is why you can't answer my calls, or show up to support me with the shit that's going on.

Really? Really? Are you fucking serious? We , you and me do not have a thing, it's a fuckship we see each other, have a few laughs, have sex and that's it, anyway how did you get in here Anton, you broke into my house?

Baby, let me handle this. She pushes him back I look at him, wrapped in a towel, and I think about Derrick, my moment of clarity. I pluck the cigarette at Abdul, it sparks up on his chest and drops to the floor, he makes a move towards me, Sonia gets in between us, she turns around and grabs him by the face, she leans up and whispers something in his ear, all the while he's fixated on me.

He backs up, rubs his nose with his hands sniffs and walks back upstairs, Sonia now turns her attention to me.

Sonia, what the fuck is this, this is how you roll?

How I roll? Are you not hearing me Anton, were not exclusive, I can do and be with whomever I want, and the same goes for you. I thought that I made that shit clear to you early on what the hell. She says as she reaches in front of me, grabbing a cigarette, placing it in her mouth and waiting for me to light it.

Light it you're fucking self, I say slowly and softly as I start to walk out the door.

This better be the last fucking time you creep into my place Anton, like I said I like you but this shit here is crazy, it's not a good look on you at all. And what's worse could get you a ride with APD.

I turn and place her key on the table, open the door and walk out, get in the car and speed off. Vision blurred by the onslaught of tears pouring out of my eyes, I wipe them from my face, I'm crying from a deep place in my soul and it hurts like hell. I swerve to avoid hitting someone walking their dog, taking deep breathes, crying what the hell. My phone rings, the onboard Bluetooth picks up the call the number is displayed on the dash, its Sonia, she got balls, I ignore the call let it go to voice mail.

So this is what it feels like to have your heart broken in a cold callous way, I have an epiphany – there are those who need object lessons to get the point of something.

Not enough to be told that something is hot to the touch, no; there are those of us who will touch it and suffer the burns.

I fell for her hard and quick, cannot explain how or why it happened, she touched me somewhere I haven't let a woman touch me at before or allowed them too. In the past when they got to close I shut them out, shut it down.

What a day, my friend kills his woman her lover then himself, the woman I had feelings for is like me and even though I thought I could handle it, my heart had other plans, clearly so.

This is clearly what Jasper was saying about being with someone like him, you'd think I could handle this shit apparently my ego is fragile.

She is still calling me, texting me, what the fuck for I say to myself. I decide to answer, let her hear what I'm going through.

Anton, I'm glad you picked up please don't act like this, I like you. I thought you could handle what we were about. I don't want to hurt you.

I want to say something smart, be my usual glib and sarcastic self, I'm unable to speak.

Anton, say something to me, please talk to me.

Where's dude, you got nerve calling me with another man in the house, at least wait until he goes home or something.

Anton - like you and me, he and I are no more than friends who enjoy having sex with each other.

I thought we had more than sex with each other Sonia.

What do you want from me, I'm not ready to give you what you think you need, and even if I could emulate what it is you think I can give you, would it ever be enough?

I pause, one of the reasons I fell for her was her reasoning, the way she spoke to me, calmed me, with the power of her words.

Sonia, I caught feelings for you, my body and heart had opposing plans, and obviously you don't feel the same way.

Feel what Anton; I like you I don't love you if being blunt is what you need, let's clear the gray areas so there's no confusion.

As she speaks I hear myself, past conversations with lovers who were confused as to why I did not return the love they so freely gave. It is of all things chilling to develop empathy from experience, my stomach ties in knots, my head feels light, my silence, as she speaks echoes the thoroughness of her words.

The deep understanding of what I have done to the beautiful hearts of women, who simply wanted me to feel the same for them as they felt about me, if even for a moment. And I never, ever returned the emotion instead gave them my black ass to kiss, touché muhthahfuckaaaaaaah.

Like I keep saying to you Anton, your cute, like a teenager, you have this naiveté about you. Sure you play like you hard, like your this baller, shot caller ladies' man, and why not you're in the A, what is it, three to one ratio ladies to men?

Something like that, I never counted that shit.

Sure you have, I mean look at you, your successful, good looking and clearly a good lover - what's not to like?

Then what's the deal with us Sonia, I'll be straight up with you I like you a lot and I was hoping that maybe you would feel the same way.

Hear yourself boy, even deep down you knew what I was about, you knew it.

I hear his voice in the background, he's yelling for her to come to him.

Well Anton, I gotta go, listen I still want to see you.

I hang up the phone, no good byes necessary; I do not like this, this feeling.

Well this day is wasted, I think I'll go to the office bury myself in a couple assignments, get lost in the glossy pictures, Photoshop curves and plastic smiles frozen in time. Perhaps the illusion of what isn't can help me through the pain of what is.

So I veer off onto 285 head down to the office on Peachtree Avenue in downtown Atlanta. I say call Carpet, the phone rings Felicity's office, her number is under carpet for obvious reasons.

She answers quickly, almost like she was about to call me.

Hey Anton, I'm sorry to hear about Derrick man that was a shocker, but I'm glad you called; I was just about to buzz you.

Really, what's up?

You have a visitor in the office, I really want you to get here as soon as you can I think you need to see this person.

Who is it; I've had enough shit for one day.

I'm not saying, you're going to have to trust me on this.

I'm on the way, Atlanta traffic and it's raining so you know what that means.

Yeah, fenders, benders and the hills are alive with the sound of sirens.

I always said you had a way with words, who would've thought to mashup the sound of music with Atlanta traffic.

And that's why I get the big bucks baby; see you when you get here. With that we hang up and I focus on driving in.

Who's there, I'm curious as to why she is so adamant about me seeing this person.

I'm going through my mental contact list, nothing comes immediately to mind, nothing and so I say what the fuck.

Ghost butterflies

Since it's late in the morning I have to park up on level H, no biggie, plenty of spots in the nose bleed section.

I look in the mirror, my eyes are puffy – shit, I scramble around the car for my sunglasses, put them on and I'm out. I get to the entrance of our office; greet the receptionist she smiles at me, a little bigger than usual

I smile back as to not be rude but giving her the Uh OK? Look with my eyes.

Thoughts of Sonia flood my consciousness, the air in my lungs expands heavily in my chest, and then let's go, the wall greets me, I hear a voice muffled in the background, I turn towards the sound, Felicity is rushing towards me.

Ant you look like shit, how you holding up?

Right now this wall is doing most of the holding up. I say bent over, hands on my knees, counting the patterns in the carpet.

Come on Ant, you need to get to your office there's someone waiting for you. She says, pulling me up and patting me on the ass in a way reminiscent of a coach to one of his players to get back in the game.

I'm not moved by it at all; I fall back against the wall than use the wall to roll off and walk towards the office, sunglasses still on.

And there she is, my mother in all her glory standing in my office, looking like she just came off a Paris runway, her blonde bob, huge Prada glasses the expensive form fitting suit, Christian Louboutin shoes, yeah my Mom, she always came first.

What the hell are you doing here? I say walking past her, not making sunglass to sunglass contact.

I'm in town and I wanted to see how my babies are doing, I know it's been a while.

You call twenty years a while? What do you consider a short time? And you missed the baby years by the way. I sit down at my desk, lean back in the chair looking as incredulous as ever.

Listen Anton, no matter what has happened over the years I'm still your mother, I gave birth to you, nursed you, took care of you when you were a baby, don't begrudge me that. How's your father doing? She says while sitting down on the couch like royalty.

Mother, Dad has never spoken ill of you, not one day. You do however need to know the considerable pain you've caused that man over the years.

He's taken good care of us in your absence. I can see you've clearly been taking care of yourself. In any event while you carried me in your belly, you've failed to nurture anything from me, so again I ask - what are you doing here and what do you want?

Anton, why do you sound so harsh boy, I did what I thought was best for me and for the family at the time, know that I love you, your brother and your sister very much.

That's right, I forgot how your love paid for my college, oh yeah that's right your love was there when I graduated, and yes that's right you helped Chris when he was rebelling against everything and everybody. Your kisses and hugs helped him though that tough period and of course Amanda your daughter, you made sure when she had her first period she knew what to do, when her body went through the changes when she needed a training bra it was you who took her shopping and made sure she had the right fit.

Oh and less I forget you brought her prom dress, helped her with applying mascara and lip-gloss, like a true loving mother you helped message her heart when it was broken from her first love, forgive me my ignorance Mom where would we be without you.

Don't be a bitch Anton, you always had a lot of mouth on you, even as toddler you were giving me attitude, I see you've managed to channel your angst.

I sigh, a long sigh, leaning forward I cross my arms on the desk, look up at her, and shake my head in disgust.

Anton, I'm here as a gesture of kindness to you, we brought out the magazine and I wanted to let you know that I'm also going to promote you to Editor and Chief.

I'm sent to a weird place and I don't know how to respond.

What. Are you fucking out of your mind, what the hell? Not enough you stranded us now you want to invade my way of life, what the hell is wrong with you. I'm standing yelling across the office, my voice starts to sound horse.

And what about Felicity, she's the Editor and chief of this, she practically built this company with her hands, you just cannot show up here and un-ceremonially remove her.

Anton, Felicity knew about this buyout she reached out to us a while ago. She's trying to save your so called way of life and I felt this could be an excellent way to bridge the gap between us, a way for me to help you.

You think this is a way to help me, you think that buying the place where I work is a way to bridge the gap of an abyss, this black hole – we have nothing. My vision tunnels, the edges of the room start to blur, breathe, breathe.

You can have this place, this office - my job, but me, me, you better forget about that shit I don't want to see you. I storm out of the office. Felicity walks up behind me forcibly grabs one of my arms, spins me around.

Anton don't rush off, this is exactly the response I feared you'd do. Come on think about it, you love this place and this place needs you.

And where will you go Felicity?

Oh I'm good she took care of me, gave me Editor and Chief of her European branch in Paris, you know I always wanted to go to Paris, always, and this, this is a wonderful opportunity I just can't pass it up.

But Felicity were a team, connected, doing this thing together.

Anton, I love you like a baby brother, I do - but my life, is my life to live and I want to live it in Paris.

How long have you been orchestrating this behind my back, you and my Mother, you fucking know the deal with us, what the hell man I would've thought you at least give me the decency of a fucking heads up?

Anton don't do this, please give it a chance.

Chance, don't you think she had several chances over the years, she is my mother and she abandoned us left for us dead on the side of the road.

You are so dramatic Anton, this is a good thing happening for us, the magazine is going to be operating in the black for a change and you have a chance to get back with your mother after all these years, why are you stuck?

How much did she offer you because right now your eyes, your eyes are like the glossy cover on one of our magazines, you're fucking blinded by the bling, and I never figured you for a fucking sellout Felicity?

Damn right I been sold on the dream of success, moving on to something better, don't you think we all deserve something better, why are we working anyway, for the sake of art?

I want to be comfortable for a change I don't want to always have to worry about the bills getting paid from month to month, and now I have a chance to get more money than I ever imagined, doing what I love - Not only that but a chance to work with the greats, you mistake me, I do this because I love it, and now a chance to work with those I admire, it's a dream come true.

I think to myself, mother - expertly done, carrot well dangled.

Good luck with that, I hear you trying to rationalize your decision, your speech was truly Oscar worthy don't forget to thank the Academy. I turn and walk out of the office, out of the building to the garage.

As I get in the car I say call Dad to the onboard cell, start the car and drive off, what a fucking couple of days this has been. I want to call Jasper, sit in the dark smoke haze, drink whiskey and fade to black, it's a thought that may well happen.

Cecilia answers the phone; I ask her where my father is, she tells me to hold on while she tries to locate him.

Hey Anton, how are you son?

Hey Dad, what's up, how's the packing going?

It's going, but I don't think this is why you called, your voice sounds a little weird, what's wrong son.

I love my dad, he pays fucking attention to me, and that means more to me than anything on this planet.

Its Jessica, she's back in town.

Really how do you know this?

She came by the office, Dad, she brought the magazine offered Felicity a job at that rag of a body shop in Paris and is trying to make all nice with me like she just stepped out the house this morning.

Ok, this is strange, what's it been over twenty years and all of sudden she shows up?

I know Dad; I have to admit I wasn't nice to her when she showed up.

Anton, that's still your mother you have to show respect to her no matter what she has done in the past.

But Dad it's so hard to be nice to her, all I see is how she hurt us, how she left us, left you, all so she could take care of her selfish ass.

ANTON DON'T YOU SPEAK THAT WAY ABOUT YOUR MOTHER, I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT FROM YOU. He yells at me, there are times when he gets upset when we go against what he has been teaching us, to show respect and decency towards people.

And when we act out in a manner as I have, he lets us know about it.

Son, you have to find it in your heart to forgive her, I know you thought that you could just shove it under a rug and be done with it, but she is your mother and I've watched you walk around with this lost puppy look on your face for all these years, maybe the one thing in your life you need to do more than anything else is to make peace with your mother.

Doing that may just release you from the prison of your own making, it could also help you develop a more loving heart for women, you're angry at her and so you take it out on other women don't you see it son?

What he says makes sense to me, one relationship after another - one woman to another leaving a trail of broken spirits in my wake.

Dad, to be honest I don't know how to love a woman, I'm scared actually.

I know son, you have to confront this deal, heal and feel.

But how do I do this Dad, this has been a really shitty couple of days and I don't know if I have the strength inside me.

Anton, when you guys where little, your baby sounds where music to my soul, seeing you guys run around, play with each other, smile, laugh, cry, just being there to raise you was a gift to me. I thank your mom for the chance she gave me to step up and watch you guys grow, although the jury is still out on Chris, that boy there he's killing me.

I think to myself that I'm tired and angry, hungry and horny what a combination.

Dad I'm going to head over to see Jasper, chill with him for a while and hopefully get some rest.

Ok Son, call me later I'm still trying to prep for the trip to Africa.

How's that going?

It's going quite well actually were getting all the arrangements made and hopefully we'll be able get out of here a little earlier than expected.

Early, whens that Dad will I see you guys before you leave?

Oh yeah, you know how I do, probably do a going away party.

Ok cool, talk to you later then.

We hang up, I begin to think about what he said to me, about not being able treat a woman good, not able to settle down and maintain a solid relationship, but the thought of making it up with my mother makes me angry again. I don't have it in me to forgive her right now I don't or maybe I won't. I'll let the devil sort it out and with that I veer off in the direction of Jaspers house.

Just then my phone rings, I say answer and to my surprise it's Jasper.

Hey dude, what's up?

Jasper man you must've known I was thinking about you.

Yeah man, same here what you up to?

Funny you should I ask, I was heading your way man.

Dude come on over, were chilling by the pool - turning it up.

I don't have any swimwear.

No problems I'll have one of the girls run out and get you a pair what are you a size 32?

Yeah dude I am, cool I'm on the way.

We hang up and I think about nothing, my head goes blank for what seems an eternity.

Jasper lives in a section of Atlanta called Sandy Springs, pretty nice location; his house looks like it was air dropped from heaven, huge presidential lawn, giant white columns in front, marble floors in the atrium, hard wood floors throughout the house linen and silk drapes, huge couches and chairs and a sound system that pipes throughout the house, mounted touchpads that are internet connected, you can pull up Pandora, or whatever you like, I love mp3skull for my downloads.

I pull up in his driveway, looks beautiful here; I'm relieved if for a moment, he knows me, and from everything that has been happening so far feeling safe is what I need more than anything else.

I head to the back of the house, walk up to the pool where he's located, a bevy of beautiful ladies surround him.

Yo Anton, welcome man, I thought you'd never get here but here you are my man, I sent Maria out to get you some swimwear dude, you know your way around mi casa su casa.

I head up to the house via the French doors by the pool the smoke room or the room that we so christened the smoke room - is my destination. I look around for the water smoker, grab some bud and stuff the bong, light it and take a huge pull, I choke immediately, gagging so hard spits coming out of my mouth, the room is spinning I sit down, eyes watering, that Jasper always has the best weed in the A.

I light up again for another round, take a harder longer drag as I drag on the bong I'm thinking about the day and about the visit from my mother, I'm thinking about what happened with Derrick, about what Sonia did to me, I gag again, coughing harder and harder, I stand wave the smoke from in front of me and head towards the bar. I grab the whiskey and pour a drink, ahh whiskey, I guzzle that down. I'm in full numb those feelings mode, and it's not working, the more I drink, the more I smoke the more I think about what has happened today, shit , shit, shit.

Dude whoa man the room is foggy as hell.

I look up, bloodshot eyes, try to speak, no sound comes out so I take another hit of the gong, cough, and pass it to him.

Jasper goes over to a gold cigar box on the glass coffee table, opens it and prepares to drop some more bud down on to the bong. He sits down pulls out a butane torch and lights the bong, the liquor at the bottom of the pipe bubbles up, smoke floats in front of his face, envelopes his head, he doesn't cough, he puts the bong down, eyes squinting, holding his breath for a second or two or three, then he releases a long stream of smoke.

That's some good shit, He says. I just look at him he's a weed god.

What a day man, a lot has happened. I just need a landing spot to rest my head dude.

Do fucking tell Anton, that shit with Derrick is crazy as hell man, fucking nuts.

Yeah I know man, but my mom's in town too.

What the fuck, really?

Yeah man she popped up today, she brought the magazine where I work, offered a job to Felicity at her Paris branch upon which she fucking took and Sonia is a player, and yeah man I caught feelings for her.

Whoa dude back up to you moms, when did she get in town, what's it been like twenty years?

Yeah and she's acting like she just stepped out and went grocery shopping, you should have seen her man, she looked good though, looked like new money.

So how you feel about that?

I'm pissed to be honest how dare she return here and disrupt my life, she left us and she wants me to accept her back like nothing has happened.

Maybe she is sorry dude, I mean after twenty years and now, maybe she wants to get to know you start over and shit.

That's complete and utter bull shit man and you know it.

Yeah, sounded good though, you know how I get when I'm blazed I get all guru and new age love kind of shit.

Well that's not the case here man, I don't know how to forgive her, my Dad is like all is ok and shit, I know he's got to be fuming inside.

Maybe, maybe not your Dad he seems kinda chilled.

Yeah it's that mindfulness training he's been taking its making him better by and far and I love him for where he's at with his life. And his new wife to be Cecilia, she seems to love him as much as he loves her.

Yeah dude, I mean he's going to open a business in Africa.

I'm suspicious about my mom's intentions; I don't trust her at all.

Have you tried to Google her at all over the years, have you tried to find her?

Yeah I tried to find her, when I was like fifteen; I went all private eye and shit, even hired one too.

What happened dude?

He found her; she had relocated to Europe, was raising another family, remarried and shit.

Remarried? You never told me any of this man.

Yeah, apparently she and my dad had been corresponding and getting their financial affairs in order, she was actually paying him support for us. It felt like a payoff to me, that she just wanted to pay him to get rid of us.

I'd be upset too dude, but really it's been twenty years perhaps she has a good reason to be here, try and see what's going on with her before you jump to conclusions.

Is this you being a new age and shit or fucking with me again?

Nah bro I'm serious this time.

You know what conclusion I've jumped too?

What?

Fuck her that's what.

Anton, I'm your boy, but I can't cosign that man, she's still your mother show some respect.

First my dad now you what's with this respect thing, can't I be mad at her?

You can be as mad as you want, but there's a way to do everything man and really you're like living in the past with this shit.

I take a deep sigh and start to think about what I can do to get some more relief and so I take another hit on the bong and then sit back in the chair, I think that everyone is making sense I should not be so mad, I should make it up with her, but for some reason I don't want to.

Jasper, you may be right.

Maybe right dude, come the hell on man, she's still your mom's no matter what has happened over the years and no matter what she has done you should make the room in your heart for her at least give it a try, what's it going to hurt, if it doesn't work you can go back to being this whiney ass beeeeeeeeiiiitcch.

I'm stuck, I'm unable to generate those type feelings for her, how can I do that how can I get past this? I don't know how to get past this not even a little bit I don't know how to get that loving feeling.

My phone rings it's my Dad, I tell Jasper I need to take this call.

Hey Dad sup?

Anton I'm glad I caught you; I'm having dinner tonight and inviting Jessica.

I'm silent mainly because I don't want him to go off on me like he did earlier today.

Anton, your quiet, I'm not used to you being so quiet.

I don't have anything to say Dad, you know how I feel.

I understand, but you're getting too old to be throwing temper tantrums.

Come on Dad, it's been one hell of a day you know all the shit that's going on.

That gives you no reason to snap at your Mom Anton.

Just head over to the house as soon as you can, I'm going to see if I can get a hold of Chris, I already contacted Amanda she's on the way.

I start to say something, but anything I say will be peppered with bitterness and anger.

My Dad hangs up, he doesn't say good bye or I love you, he doesn't have to say it but I know this is bothering him too.

Hey Jasper, my dad is going to invite her to dinner so we can all talk how nice is that? What the fuck. I'm going to get home, shit shower and shave.

Alright man, I hope it goes well for you tonight, if anything just chill, listen, keep your smart ass mouth shut for minute and see what happens.

We do a bro hug and I'm out.

I get home, check the messages nothing, really hoping that Sonia called to say something, anything, but she hasn't and that disturbs me, even though I know she loves a good dick and is open to meeting men, I still have a yearning for her.

I try to reason in my head that she is no good for me that she's not the kind of woman that a man can settle down with; I'm not the kind of man a woman can settle down with either, were perfect for each other.

These days; a lot of women are independently wealthy and secure, strong enough to stand on their own. I find it interesting that I attract these types of women.

My doorbell rings, it startles me out of my daydream, I head to open it and there she is, as I was thinking about her here she is, I try not to show her how happy I am to see her, but the smile, it envelopes my face and my eyes glow.

She walks up to me, grabs my ass and gives me a slow wet kiss, when she finishes a string of our spit hangs between us and drops, she smiles I get hard, she looks down at my nature rise, rubs it, damn I miss her.

Hey Baby, I was just thinking about you, what you do to me I can't stop thinking about you.

And I you Anton, you know I enjoy my freedom, to be honest the thought of a committed relationship just doesn't appeal to me.

Why Sonia, you been hurt?

That's the thing I've never been on the receiving end of that, my friends have been devastated, had their hearts wretched out of their chest. I would go over and sit with then in the dark, as they cried and screamed and contemplated killing themselves or the ex, crazy shit. I'm not particularly fond of having to experience that myself so I just don't commit.

And I look at her, she has just told my story, only difference between us, I take hostages and airship them to an abandoned island.

You look like you're going somewhere, sorry don't let me stop you I can leave.

No, no please don't go. I hear a voice in my head it says you're begging, yeah I know.

She gives me another kiss walks to the couch takes her shoes off and folds her feet up, I love it when she does that.

My mother who I haven't seen in twenty years has decided she wants to play Mommy, go figure. Anyway my dad wants us all to get together tonight with her, she wants to tell us how much she loves and misses us, that she's sorry for leaving us so she can live her life, I'm not feeling her. I say to her as I tighten the towel around my waist.

Anton, you think that maybe she is sorry?

The thought occurred to me, but to tell the truth I'm still pissed at her, I haven't had to think about her for years, placed her out of my mind and now she just fucking pops up like everything is ok? Fuck that.

You owe it to her to at least listen to her side of the story, more than that if you release her you'll let go of that eight hundred pound weight of resentment your carrying, your life may change for the better you never know.

I look at her, she talks to me straight up and I see the reason in her words, is this what Jay-Z and Beyoncé, Obama and Michelle have, that partnership?

You may be right. I say through clenched teeth.

Wow was it that hard to give in; you're hard headed aren't you?

I suppose I'm a bit on the hard headed side.

Sounds like you got it honest, your Mom is being persistent right now, and you do know that in spite of what's happening, you're a combination of your mother and father; you have traits from both of them. So even though you haven't spoken to her in twenty years, she has lived on in you every day since.

Sonia, you learn that from self-help books?

I learned quite a lot from those books, I read to help myself have insight into what's going on. I've got no trauma in my past and no drama in my present. My mom and dad are still together and love each other giving me a model of a successful and happy marriage, I'm not that fucked up.

You say that fucked up as if you got a little twist to you.

Don't we all Anton, I'm no angel as you already know.

Yeah I know this, maybe that's why I'm so attracted to you, why you drive me crazy, why I want you more than I've wanted any woman in my life.

She gives me a worried look, as if the confession to her of my feelings has made her uncomfortable.

Sonia, I know you don't want to get into anything serious, you've made that obvious to me, I don't know where this shit came from, I just caught a ton of feelings for you and I really want to be with you.

She gets up and heads to the kitchen, she kisses me on the cheek as she passes by, I head to the bedroom and finish getting dressed. She follows me into the bedroom, flops down on the bed.

I'm intrigued that she is following me from room to room and it feels good, it feels good.

Ok Anton, say I and this is purely hypothetical but say I let you all the way in, what next?

I don't know we try to love each other as best we can, and I get to hit that hot ass whenever I want too, hmmm.

Come on boy, be serious.

I am serious Sonia, I would open up to you completely, why the change of heart though?

I was with Abdul and I was totally feeling his vibe, he being an artist and all, but there was something missing, I couldn't quite put my finger on it until I looked in his eyes, and they were devoid of anything for me.

Then I recounted all my past hookups and noticed that there was a definite disconnect between actions and words. Even though I was being open and selective enjoying the company of my men, in reality I was looking for someone who would look at me the way you look at me.

You look at me with passion, your eyes light up when you see me, like tonight, but its more than that it's like your soul sparks with joy when you see me, you smile this smile that softens your entire face and to be honest it melts me.

I listen to her words, I watch her as she speaks to my heart, each phrase echoes my emotions, and yeah I'm all the way in.

Sonia, baby you know I got mad feelings for you girl.
Yeah Anton but you're a player, I know about you, I've seen your YouTube video you think that shit can be kept under wraps?

I can't undo stupid; believe me when I tell you, you got me you're in there, right here. I pound on my chest with my fist.

Were interrupted by the phone, I look over at the caller id it's my Brother Chris.

Hey man what's up?

Anton you ready son?

Almost, I see Dad tracked you down.

Yeah man, I want to hear what Mom has to say.

Me too, I suppose.

Listen Ant, I need a ride come and get me.

What up with that man, there's nothing wrong with your driving.

I'm too drunk to drive.

Chris, already dude?

Just get me man; it'll be good to ride with my baby bro.

I hang up with Chris and walk over to Sonia, I gently push her down on the bed, I crawl on top of her, we start to kiss, breathing hard, I reach down into her yoga pants, place my hands down in her wet panties, she moans, then breathes hard, she pushes me up, rips the towel off.

I grab her pants at the sides and slide them down over that huge round ass, I roll her over, grab her by the waist and pull her up so that she's bent over doggy style, I slide in, she's ready for me, I sigh from my gut, and grunt, she arches her back and her ass forms a perfect heart shape, and that - was all - she wrote, I'm done.

She turns around to me, I'm still grabbing her by the waist mouth half open eyes locked on that ass and she whispers lets be together.

Mamma's Milk

I'm at Chris's house; he lives in the historic West End part of Atlanta, he has a very comfortable two story single family home that he only paid 55k for - a steal.

He went to Clark Atlanta University a HBCU, finished with a Masters in Economics, but for some unknown reason that baffles logic he decided to go into dealing drugs, opening a gun store, going on Militant retreats, he totally rebuked corporate America.

He's been arrested for dealing drugs, been in shootouts, overdosing on heroin not once but three times, says it's not the OD that concerns him it's waking up.

He waves me into the house, I get out and head up the porch he's looking weirder than usual.

Anton, this shit is freaky man, what she want with us now, what can she say that can make up for her not being around. He says pants halfway on, shirt tucked in on one side, eyes closed; yep he is doped up, damn.

I walk to him, remove the blunt from his mouth and place it in mine, I take a drag and inhale the smoke, eyes squinted from the cloud that pours out of my nose I help him put his shirt on, looking at him as I dress him I love my brother.

I don't know Chris, but Dad seems to want to do this pretty fucking bad, and in a way maybe we can all team up on her and get some answers.

Chris is bent over, mouth turned down, eyes half open. Dope fiends have this phenomenon where they defy gravity, no matter how low to the ground they lean, they never fall, and right now Chris is leaning so low on one side he can tie his shoes.

I pull him up, he turns towards me, mumbles something then drops his head again, fucking classic. I would have at least expected him to show up sober tonight. I suppose were all dealing with this in our own way.

It takes me a full fifteen minutes to get his ass into the car; I strap him into the passenger seat and take off.

Dude don't you fucking throw up in my car you hear me. I yell at him, he whips around like a bobble head, smiles and begins throwing up, long heaving streams of vomit on the windshield, that shit splatters all over us, I can't see now and swerve, car horns beeping, I hear a few choice words as they pass me by, I pull up to a Quick Trip gas station get out, luckily I don't have much of his vomit on me, but the car is a mess and it stinks now.

You dope fiend motherfucker, look at this shit man. I'm so angry I can't yell anymore, I run over to his side of the car, pull him out by the shirt, he looks up, laughs then throws up all over me fuck it.

I let him go and he falls to the ground, I hear a thud as he hits the concrete and I don't give a shit, I watch him lying there, damn near passed out, I want to stomp him in the fucking back, I come to my senses, yeah Jessica she's twisting us all around. I lift him up and place him on the side of the car, reach for my phone and call Dad.

Hey Anton, what's up everything ok?

Uh- no Dad it's not, its Chris, he's all doped up, just finished throwing up all over me, the car, himself it's a mess Dad. I say trying to hold Chris up; I finally step back he slides down the side of the car until his ass hits the ground but his knees stay bent his head slumps between his legs.

Where are you guys I can come and pick you up.

Where at the QT over in the Vining's section not far from Home Depot, I'll send you my location on GPS Share; it should come up in your car.

So from the sound of things you need a change of clothes, I'll stop by Macy's get you guys something, we can take my car.

What about my car Dad?

It's a mess, so we'll have it towed to my detailer they can clean it up for you.

Thanks Dad, sorry about this.

About what, you're not the one high up on dope, that boy needs to get his shit together.

We hang up, I look down at Chris, it's my brother and I feel for him I do, but this getting high on dope is so self-destructive, I'm afraid his next overdose will be his last and that worries me.

I run into QT, grab some water, head back, give him a sip, and then wash his face and hands.

Anton, I, I'm sorry man, don't mean to be a fuck up.

He says to me head still down.

I love you man, what's the deal, why are you doing this to yourself?

I don't know man, all I know is I don't feel anything, and that's enough for me, I wake up feeling like such a failure every day, I failed you, Dad, Manda, everybody man, this feels good though, I don't feel nothing with this, know what I mean?

I know man, I want to run away into a bottle sometimes pussy is my thing, and dope is yours.

Man, you already know, pussy will kill you just as quick as dope you get the right one, she'll blow your head off.

I'm hoping she just blow me.

He laughs, a small laugh, calls me a hound, tells me he loves me too.

What seemed like 10 minutes was actually a half hour, my brother and I sitting on the ground, talking about life.

He confiding in me for the first time about wanting to get clean, I attributed his openness and honesty to him being high, no matter at least he has a desire to change hopefully it will filter down into real life.

I hear a horn and look up, notice my Dad's BMW X6 pull into the QT, he glides next to us his window goes down.

What a sight this is, look at you two.

Hey Dad, glad to see you too, you want to help me with your son?

Hey Chris, boy you're gonna be the death of me, please man get yourself together. My dad says as he exits the car and grabs Chris on one side while I grab the other.

Don't worry Dad, I won't embarrass you tonight.

I'm not worried what people think about you, I want you to give a shit about your life you have so much to offer.

Chris swings his head over to look up at Dad, his eyes glazed over with water.

Come on boy; let's get you guys cleaned up and out of here.

What about the car Dad?

I have a tow on the way, you guys head to the bathroom and get cleaned up here are the clean clothes I'll wait for the tow truck to get here.

We stagger to the men's room my brother and I like a couple of drunk teenagers, I'm taking in this moment because we rarely spend time together, and this feels special for some reason I cannot quite put my finger on, but it does and I don't want to question it. I'll take it - Chris and I haven't spent a lot of time together in the last few years and this is something that we both need to do.

We struggle to get dressed, or rather Chris does as he is still high off dope he looks up at me and while he is putting his shoes on apologizes again to me.

Its ok Chris, the return of Jessica has us all fucked up, man I love you and I don't want anything to happen to you, it would be nice if you wanted to get your life together.

My life together, what's wrong with my life Ant?

You know this getting high and shit, selling drugs come on man it's not self-respecting, you could get locked up again and loose everything.

I've already lost everything I've lost the love of my life; all I have is getting high so I don't feel anything.

Dude, you fucked that up, and to be honest with...

Yes why don't you be honest by all means? He interrupts.

She was a beautiful woman, she put up with your late nights out, your cheating, your drug habit, for what five, six years straight without leaving once, but when you started beating on her, we all wanted her to leave your ass before you hurt her in a way that both of you won't come back from.

He looks at me like he has x-ray vision, like he's trying to look right into the words.

You can look at me like that all you want Chris it won't change the fact that you - fucked up.

Whatever dude, let's go Dad is waiting outside.

We walk out of the bathroom somewhat more somber then when we went in, we walk up to my Dad's X6 while the tow truck is latching up my car preparing to take it to the garage.

I get into the front and Chris slides into the back seat behind Dad.

What the hell happened in there with you two? My Dad says as he pulls off the QT lot.

You two went in there brothers now your strangers miles apart, look at you - Chris your pouting like a five year old baby, and you Anton, zoning out like you used too when you were a toddler.

We both stay silent, enough words have been spoken and I have a feeling the night is young for fucked up things to say.

We get to my Dad's place, pull up into the driveway still quiet, not talking or looking at each other for that matter. My Dad just shakes his head he grabs us both by the arms and pulls us back, we stop look at each other with lips snarling, whispering motherfucker to each other.

Wait a minute, I don't know what Jessica has in store for us tonight, but we cannot go into the house with this shit in the air, what is going on with you two.

Nothing Dad, Anton is all over my shit man, I've had it with that stuck up prick.

Fuck you motherfucker, you're the one that can't stay off that shit.

Fuck you, you empty non feeling piece of shit.

Whoa ok, that's enough from the both of you, damn why so hostile that is some viral shit you guys are spewing at each other. I don't want to hear that tone from either of you. What have I taught you to do?

Talk it out or walk it out. Chris says his eyes on fire.

Since we can't walk it out, you need to talk it out, NOW! Dad says to us, keeping his hands gripped on our arms.

I've got nothing to say, let me go Dad. Chris says.

He eventually yanks his arm out of dads grasp and walks into the house.

What's wrong with that boy tonight Anton, he's not acting like himself at all.

Its Jessica dad, he was the closest to her before she left and now poof she just reappears into our lives, what the hell?

It begs to question I know, I'm sure we'll find out tonight, just take it easy on him ok, he's been through a lot he's volatile at best.

He's not the only one going through shit Dad, and he always whines and moans like an infant, to hell with that.

Just take it easy on him that's all I'm saying, try to understand where he's at so you can meet him there and be a brother. You have to stop ridiculing and berating him for what he's done in the past nobody knows what he's lost more than he does.

And you got all this from what just happened?

No, that's the narrative between you two; you need to pull up on him.

I think on his words and yeah he's right, I'm hard on him, but I can't understand why he does what he does to himself and it frustrates the hell out of me, I see his potential and want what I want for him, and that's the problem it's what I want and not taking into consideration what he may want for himself.

My Dad turns and walks into the house, I close the car doors and head in, I smell the food cooking, Cecilia's been trying her hand at cooking African food, smells good not something I readily recognize. We walk into the dining room, I give Amanda and Cecilia a hug and kiss on the cheek ask if they want a drink and head to the den.

I walk up to the bar and quickly notice my Mother behind it, she looks up and smiles at me, I have nothing to return.

Hi Anton, can I fix you anything?

Whiskey, straight if you please.

Well isn't this progress.

My eyebrows arch up.

Last time I saw you I was making you drink in a sippie cup, now I'm mixing you a drink.

And whose fault is that?

Anton why so brass, I'm just reminiscing.

Over something you've abandoned, as I recall it YOU are the one who left us not the other way around.

And so we continue this dance, Anton there is nothing I can do to give you those years back that I so selfishly took away from you, God knows as much as I wish I could it's impossible, so why bother. All I can do now is be here, offer you all an explanation and my apologies.

She hands me my drink, as I reach for the drink she reaches out and gently takes hold of my wrist, her eyes embracing me softly, she gently, motherly caresses my hand.

Anton, my dear boy, I am truly sorry for the pain I've caused you believe me I am.

My Dad walks in, he places his arm around me, pulls me to his chest and kisses the top of my head, he's like that, very touchy feely kind of man.

Well Jessica, you're here now and I'm sure the children want to hear what you have to say. Of course you know that you will be received in a less then welcoming fashion?

I'm aware of this Frank; I totally understand if they hate me, I just want to talk to my babies.

My Dad raises an eyebrow to her mention of us as her babies, even to me it sounds hypocritical.

Alrighty then, let's get this party started. He says turning and walking towards the dining room.

We get into the dining room, my dad takes his place at the head of the table, Cecilia sits next to him, Amanda on the other his two lioness protectors, Amanda has always reminded me of the warrior princess of Sun Tzu's Art of War where the emperor has Sun Tzu train his concubines to be his personal body guards, fiercely loyal.

I get up and walk over to Chris, grab him by his shoulders, give him a hug, tell him I'm sorry for being a dick and that I love him.

He turns towards me, kisses me on the cheek.

Dude, you need to gargle. I say to him.

Fuck you. He smirks.

I walk back to my seat, in total anticipation of tonight's festivities.

And she walks in, almost like she was announced or some shit, she takes her seat in front of me, next to Chris, looks like she freshened up her drink.

Hello everybody, thank you, thank you all so much for seeing me and allowing me this opportunity to speak to you.

She takes a sip of her drink, pauses and takes a deep, deep breath.

I'm sorry for taking off on you Frank; I can't begin to think about what your life was like raising babies. I must say that you've done a fine job they all look to have turned out exceptional, as a single dad you have done a good job. She says then takes another sip of her drink.

Amanda, Anton and Chris, nothing I say tonight can give you those years back, I don't even wish it, to do so - well that would be downright hypocritical to you, when I left you I was doing what I believed was the best thing I could do for me, it's really that simple. I was a selfish bitch.

I see Amanda biting her bottom lip, tears starting to stream down her face, her fist balled, hands turning red, I see my dad place his hand over hers she pulls it away.

I look over at Chris, tears streaming down his face; he's staring at her looking like a lost puppy.

I wanted to take this opportunity to explain to you what I was going through when I decided to leave, to be honest it's going to sound like a bunch of selfish bullshit..

That's because you're a selfish self-centered bitch. Amanda says through tears and spit.

You are right to feel that way Manda.

Don't call me that, you don't have the fucking right to call me that. She screams at her from across the table, my Dad sitting back in his chair, Cecilia rubbing his arm looking at my Mom in a way that resembles confusion.

I realize that you're angry, I realize that you feel so much resentment for me and that you don't trust me, I know this and I accept your anger and frustration. I am deserving of it.

But why did you leave us Mom, I have missed you so much, you broke me in half, I would run to the door everyday waiting for you, I was thinking that any minute you would walk in and say you got lost, and we would return to being a family again, what did I do to make you want to leave?

Chris says, leaning across the table holding his hands out.

Nothing, none of you have done anything, I was blessed to have children as beautiful as you, and I couldn't be prouder of how you all have turned out. But be that as it is I felt like my life was being choked out from under me.

I felt like I was missing out on so much that life has to offer, I didn't want to fade away in PTA meetings, lose my beauty and gain that settled body fat around my ass. I wasn't into minivans and Saturday soccer that just wasn't my thing, at all.

Frank you knew what kind of woman I was, you knew I was a go getter, jet setter high maintenance woman but I loved you Frank I convinced myself that I could be a house wife, live at home mom, well that shit wasn't for me, sad but true and so I left, I got the hell out of dodge and made a life for myself doing whatever the fuck I wanted to do and I don't regret a single day of it, I don't.

Not what you wanted to hear? She takes another sip of her drink and gulps it down, looks at my dad gestures with her glass for a refill. He gets up and heads to the den, he returns with the bottle of Patron and places it next to her he turns and sits back down, crosses his legs and looks at her square in the face.

I don't have stories of whoa, or about a bunch of bad shit happening, quite the opposite my life prospered, I am the owner of a successful publishing house in Paris, with a huge readership all over Europe we are expanding our presence here in the US, which is why I brought the mag where you now work Anton, we did our research and your magazine while young has a huge online presence and we wanted to tap into that twenty first century mindset.

I do have a few confessions to make though.

She grabs the bottle of Patron, pours some into her glass then takes another drink; she can put that shit away.

I am involved with a wonderful person; we love each other and have a wonderful family.

Chris leans forward on the table, looking at her he says.

Really, you left your family to go out and start another family, that shit doesn't make sense, it sounds as if we weren't good enough for you and you still haven't answered any of our questions, all you've done is tell us how good your doing, what the fuck we don't care about that shit.

Your right Chris but it's important for you all to know where I've been and what I've been up to.

Important for who may I ask, clearly you haven't talked about anything relevant to the situation, why are you here now? Amanda says

And what she says next is truly beyond comprehension to us all, some really epic narcissistic shit.

I want flowers now while I am alive; I want to be cherished for all I am. Too many families get together only when one of them passes away, what the hell? Why do people do that, why do they wait to get together, people can't appreciate a bouquet when they are six feet below in the ground. They can't smell the air, have sex, enjoy money and especially appreciate their loved ones, I don't want that, I want my flowers now.

We all look at her, all of us with this what the fuck look on our faces, in total disbelief of what we are hearing a sort of cognitive dissonance if you will.

You've got to be kidding, we haven't seen you in over twenty years and you pop up here now asking us to forgive you and act like everything is ok. You must have lost your mind woman. My dad says, I'm surprised to hear him speak in such manner, he is usually so cool, so composed and now in front of this woman who left him with the family alone to raise, struggle to make sure we survive to adulthood and who's always at our beckon call, our father our savior the man who gave it all up to take care of us. He is truly pissed off.

Oh Frank please you need to take it easy, you made out Ok, look at your wife, she is your wife isn't she?

Cecilia looks at her, she sits back and crosses her legs, I can see my Dad rubbing her gently he turns and kisses her on the lips, softly with passion then turns to my mother.

Look Jessica, Cecilia is a good woman, she has nothing to do with your craziness, she has made me a truly happy man finally after all these years of cleaning up your shit in my life I'm finally happy and you're not going to come in here all of sudden and fuck that up with your crazy shit.

And that's the point Frank, we all deserve happiness, I'm just saying the reason why I am here is I truly want to seek the forgiveness of my family, of you most importantly.

Forgiveness is earned Jessica, it's not handed out like a pair of Prada shoes. Amanda says to her, her eyes focused directly at our mother's eyes.

Oh Mandy, my dear how you have grown to be such a beautiful woman, I am so proud of you really I am my dear. When are you going to break free of the nest and stand on your own honey, time to break free, what are you scared of?

Then Amanda gets up and starts to rush towards our mother, I grab her in a bear hug, she is wiggling wildly trying to struggle and break free, like a homicidal crazy patient whose tranquilizers just wore off, visceral.

Woman, I'm going to tear your head off your body, you can't come in here with this shit. She screams through tears and spit.

I look over at Chris, he's just staring at her, simply staring with this blank emotionless stare, scares me.

Cecilia is strangely calm quiet; my thought is if she can stick with my dad through this she is the fucking One.

Chris speaks, Mom, I wish I could say I haven't missed you, I have, I still love you, I thought about the day I would see you again, the day when you would come back into the house and pick me up and tell me you missed me too.

I remember how you used to give me your breast milk until I was five, Mammas milk I called it, it was the best ever, as a matter of fact I have this addiction..

Besides your heroin addiction? She interrupts

No, besides that, I love breast milk, I pay for it, I have pregnant women send me their breast milk, and I use it with my cereal, my coffee I put that shit in everything.

I think that's fucking insane.

I thought that it would be the closest I could come to being with you again, don't know if it ever worked but it made me feel comfortable in the process.

As Chris is speaking his eyes well up with tears, his voice starts to crack and he places his head on the table, then looks up again, long streams of tears dropping from his eyes, the pain of ages bubbling to the top.

I love you Mom, always have always will, you hurt us, all of us with your selfishness and now you just want us to forgive you this, this?

Were all quiet, the air in the room is still, and we don't know what to do next, what to say next like we just hit some emotional brick wall.

That's a shame Chris, I never meant to hurt you, really, and you need to get that breast milk thing checked out though that is some sick shit my boy. She says taking a sip of her drink. Now I know where I got my personality from its weird looking at someone act the same exact way that you do.

Listen, Frank you have done a great job with the kids, they are amazing and I can't thank you enough for being the type of man that you have been, I need to tell you though, and don't get angry but Chris is not your son, I had an affair, it was brief but one nonetheless and became pregnant, he was a selfish prick and never wanted to own up and at the time I didn't want to hurt you, you loved him so much.

The look in your eyes when he was born, just said so many things to me, I knew that he would be in good hands with you as his father; I knew it and I wanted that for him.

My dad just looks at her, Chris stands up and runs towards her, now I have to go grab him because he's got that kill a mother fucker look in his eyes.

Ok Jessica, that's enough, I think you and me need to have a talk alone right now. My dad says as he stands up from the table, Cecilia holding his hand he looks down at her she rubs his arm gently, he pulls it away, points to Jessica and walks away toward the den.

Jessica sips her drink, there is a smirk on her face, I just want to smack the shit out of her, my own mother I want to smack, this is the feeling she is bringing out of me, out of us all, what a fucking night.

She gets up drink in her hand, I'm still holding Chris, and he's just crying and growling like an injured wolf.

Thank you Jessica for a night we will never forget. I yell to her as she walks away towards the den.

What the hell Anton, what the hell. Amanda says she gets up and starts to pace franticly like a caged lion, rubbing her hands through her hair, balling her fist.

I know Manda I'm just not sure how to feel right now, I mean what do you say to this type of shit?

She looks at me, puzzled, hurt, all of us our emotions are swirling around like a tornado has hit, were all Dorothy clicking our heels, trying to escape the reality of what is happening.

Chris finally calms down, I think it's a combination of the drugs and everything else that has him close to passing out, he slides down into the chair and passes out.

Cecelia our Dad needs you to be strong for him right now, try to stay calm and help him out.

Don't you worry I got his back and his front. Cecelia says.

Why aren't you in their kicking her ass? Amanda yells

Because this isn't my fight to fight, and Frank can handle himself, I'm not worried about what to do next.

Well I am, and I'm going to see what the hell she is up to.

With that I head towards the den, I want to rush in and make my point but what the hell difference is that going to make right now, so I stop just shy enough where I can hear my Dad speaking to her.

I peak around the corner so they can't see me, they are standing directly in front of each other, my Dad is towering over her, looking down at her he is visibly pissed.

Jessica, I'm not feeling this shit your pulling here, and now you tell me the boy I raised all his life is not my son, that you had an affair and now this is the result of that affair, after twenty fucking years you show up at my door begging for forgiveness and understanding while you dry fuck me in the ass with your shit? I want to hate you, but that would be a waste of energy, you don't deserve that space in my head.

Oh Frank, you always tried to be so high and mighty, God Frank, Mr. fucking perfect, those nights you beat me into a fucking coma, nights you fucking almost killed me when you were in your angry drug induced furor, do they know that? Do they know what kind of a son of a bitch you were in the early days, no they don't, do they? All they know is I abandoned them I left them, they don't know I left to save my life from you, I was tired of you using my face and my body for a fucking punching bag you son of a bitch, and now you want to present yourself as some holy put together martyr, that I was the bad one, that this all my fault, that I'm the reason for the family being broken up, Frank who have you fooled.

Will Cecilia feel the sting of your fist when you're frustrated, they think you're so perfect, that you have your shit together that you're this perfect fucking man.

You're a violent, angry hurtful man.

As I hear this I start to look back on all my dad's past relationships and the past marriages he had.

I try to put together events as they happened, I recall times when I saw broken mirrors, furniture in shambles, times when his wives wouldn't be seen around the house for days, times when he would say to us that they were in the hospital with the flu.

I want to interrupt, I want to rush in, but I'm torn because of how he took care of us, of how he sacrificed for us, of how he gave so much for us to survive over the

years, I feel confused because the more I think back over the years to the events that happened I see the truth of her words and my stomach drops, you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family.

Jessica - why tell me now about Chris, what's the point, after all these years, you're a coward, most women would have left with their children, if I was such a monster why didn't you take them with you?

Because I knew you wouldn't hurt the children, I knew you loved them and so I felt they would be safe. If I had taken them with me I don't know how we would have survived over the years, I would have struggled with them, at least with you they have careers now, they are professionals, all but Chris, he struggles why?

You sound as if you know what's going on with them.

I do know Frank, don't think because I was not here that I wasn't interested in the well-being of my own children, I have always been watching their progress over the years.

I have people here who reported to me how they were.

You where spying on us?

Yes I suppose I was what else am I to do?

Stay the hell away from us that's what you're supposed to do.

With that I see my dad walk up closer to her, he starts to place his hands around her neck and I walk in.

No Dad, don't do that, take your hands off her. I say waving my hands, he lowers his hands but keeps his eyes locked on her.

How long have you been listening Anton? He says

I heard it all Dad, and now I see that both of you are truly fucked up.

Don't you talk to me like that to I took care of you all these years I raised you to be a man, you better cool your jets boy, he says still locked on Jessica, she pushes him back and walks towards me.

Anton, I'm sorry for what has happened over the years with everything and with you, I can't make up for the years that I was away, but I can be here now, I'm not asking for you to forgive me now, but one day if you could would you?

Just know that what I did was the best I could do for the family.

I'm trying to understand your reasoning Jessica, how can leaving your family be the best thing you can do for your family, how can you think that way, after all these years you've left us all alone, our mother

And now you magically show up like its ok, what the hell woman, what the hell?

Anton, what I did - leaving you all, there is no excuse for that whatsoever I can't apologize enough for what I did for leaving. I had to do something because you father was killing me, if I had not left he very well may have, then what; you'd be a ward of the state.

Then as we are speaking my father walks up to mother and he has this look on his face that I have never seen before, like he wants to rip her skull off and shit down her neck.

I thought I would never see you again woman, and now you just fucking show up here, you're bringing up old wounds like it was yesterday, and for what - you've been gone all these years and now you just show up, I CANT BELIEVE YOU WOMAN.

His fists are balled and his eyes are squinting, he's talking through his teeth at her, and the force of his anger moves me backwards.

I think we need to go back to the dinner table. I say.

Jessica walks back to the dining room, as I go to walk away my dad grabs me by the arm.

Anton, you know I love you and the children, please know that I wouldn't do anything to hurt any of you.

I look at him and in this instant it's like he is another man entirely.

Of course Dad I know that, but I don't understand what's going on, I've never seen you like this, ever.

He pulls me to him and hugs me tightly tells me that he loves me.

I love you to Dad I love you too.

We walk back into the dining room; Jessica has found her place at the table. Chris is not in the room.

Where is Chris? I ask.

Amanda says that he went outside to get a smoke, I turn to see where he's at and he walks in looks at me and heads to the table.

Hey everyone, since were in the mood for honesty tonight I think I should be open about something.

I look over at Jessica; she's fussing with her hair in her mirror looking unconcerned about what is happening.

Cecilia and I have been having an affair, we've been fucking for the last two years, those trips she was making to see her children, not true she was spending the weekend with me at my house.

I look over at my Dad, he turns to Cecilia she is just sitting there, staring at Chris, and then she looks at my dad, sadly and begins to walk away from the table. Amanda jumps up from the table and runs after her, she punches her in the back of the head, she falls into the wall, Amanda kicks her in the stomach, then grabs her hair, Chris walks away from the table my dad gets up and heads towards Amanda, he grabs her arms and stops her from hitting Cecilia.

Cecilia is on the floor on her knees, head in her hands crying, sobbing, she looks up at my Dad, mouths the word sorry, Amanda is like a wild animal wiggling and shaking trying to get loose.

Well, isn't this a happy family, good job Frank, good job.

He turns to her and yells fuck you.

I'm at a loss for words, this is not what I expected at all tonight, and as I turn towards Jessica she is staring directly at me, she gets up takes a final sip of her drink, walks towards me.

Anton, you have always been the sensible one in all this, you need to go find Chris and comfort him.

Wow motherly advice, what a shock.

You have a smart mouth boy, Chris needs you right now.

What about my Dad.

He's a dick.

Jessica, come on now, his future wife is fucking around with his son I think he needs me more.

Whatever, I'll go find Chris then.

With that she walks away and heads in the direction of Chris's departure.

I don't know who to go to, I pull out my phone and call Sonia.

Hey Ant sup baby?

Hey Sonia, you won't believe the night I got going on here.

Really, what's up with the fam?

Well the short of it is, my Dads fiancé has been cheating with my brother, but my brother is only my half-brother because he is by someone else.

She is strangely silent on the other end, you there I say to her.

Yes I'm here I'm trying to digest the shit you just said to me.

Imagine what I'm trying to do.

I'm sure, you're having an assault on your senses, need a hug?

I don't know what I need right now, I just needed to talk to someone not in the fray, someone who's perspective is not skewed and free of our shit.

I understand, so how are you doing, how is you brother doing?

I don't know I have to go and find him he just left.

How is your Dad doing I know that is devastating.

I don't know my family right now, everyone seems like strangers to me.

Not strangers Anton, you're just seeing what they keep under the covers, some shit huh?

I'm quiet, I feel disconnected from everything and everyone I feel like burrowing deep into a hole somewhere and hiding.

Anton, are you still there?

Yeah I'm still here this is just some crazy shit.

Crazy is right I always knew your kind of fucked up was hereditary.

I laugh, a small laugh, sarcasm in times of strife reveal truths to those who listen.

I just needed break from this reality; I'm going to go find Chris.

Ok call me if you need to talk later.

Ok I'll call you later.

Anton, I'm still at your place chilling so when you're done I got it hot for you baby.

We hang up and I feel a little better, I walk out to try and find Chris.

The room is clear and no one is around I don't even see my sister and my father.

I head out to the driveway, I smell weed, and so like any good weed head I walk in the direction of the smoke.

I find Chris smoking a fatty, I sit down next to him, he passes me the blunt I take a hit and pass it back to him.

I wanted her the first moment I saw her, at first she was like no go away I love your father.

So what happened to make her want to fuck you man, I mean dude that's Dads woman.

Fuck him, he hits her man, like literally beats the shit out of her. Jessica is right about him.

I don't get this, Dad a womanizer? It's not registering.

He hides that shit well man, you just don't see it, but if you look, I mean really look you'll see that something is off.

I place my head in my hands, looking down, I feel a sense of lost, disillusionment I don't know who this man is who raised me, loved me, took care of me.

Still Chris, you shouldn't have fucked her.

Why aren't you more upset over the fact I'm your half-brother?

This is just too much shit to take in, your still my brother Chris, I still love you the same as I always have so that's not really an issue.

For you that may be, but who the fuck is my real Dad?

That man in there whose fiancé you're fucking around with.

Fuck you man, you know what I mean your splitting hairs with me.

He raised you Chris, gave you everything you have and more, sacrificed his life for you, he is a real father not a dad.

Oh wait a minute, I know what you're doing I see your shit now.

What the fuck?

You're making his not being your father an issue so you don't have any guilt over what you're doing.

Fuck off man; I'm getting the hell out of here.

You're running, you're a pussy - you either run into drugs or just avoid reality, wake up dude shit is real right now and you need to face this.

He looks at me, takes a deep, deep sigh then takes a pull of the blunt, he gags smoke comes out of his nose and mouth.

Anton, you have this thing about you man, you try to be hard, you try to be a playa, but you're not man, you're just a lost teddy bear waiting to be picked up and loved, appreciated. I love you Anton because of that, you got this heart about you and you're scared that if you love, I mean really take a chance it will get broken, and you don't know if you can handle that pain.

Fuck him for reading me so accurately.

Yeah, I suppose but don't make this about me, don't turn this around.

It's about all of us, and your right I need to stop running from shit, it's like I'm running from a ball that is tied to my ankle, no matter how far or fast I go this thing will always be attached to me until I stop, turn around and untie it.

He places his hand on my shoulder and pushes himself up to his feet; he then puts his hand out to pull me up.

When I get to feet, he grabs me and gives me a hug, pats me on the side of my head.

Come on baby brother lets go handle this mess.

As we walk in, Amanda is screaming at Cecilia, Jessica is nowhere to be seen, probably in the den making a drink, I don't see our dad either, maybe their together.

Where's Jessica Amanda. I say, she is so angry my words are bouncing off her. I walk up and gently place my hand on her shoulder.

She turns around to me, tears in her eyes; she's more hurt then angry.

I don't know Anton, you look for her I'm dealing with this scandalous bitch.

Wait Amanda, back up from her. Chris walks in between Cecilia and Amanda.

So you fuck her and now you're defending her, how could you do this to Dad?

News flash baby sister not my Dad.

He is your Dad; he took care of your sneaky ass all these years.

Chris puts his head down, looks up slowly, pushing Cecilia gently back.

Your right Amanda, Anton and I just had this very conversation a few minutes ago, he made some valid points.

He has taken care of me, provided for me, sent me to school all the things a father does, and to be real he didn't know I wasn't his, not his fault, Its all on Jessica she is the one who has come here and turned our family upside down with her shit, she should have stayed away from us, for real.

Amanda looks past him at Cecelia then she focuses back on Chris and smacks him in the face, then she starts to throw punches at his chest, he grabs her wrist, she wiggles and jerks trying to pull away from Chris.

Amanda, stop it, I'm not your enemy. I'm your brother.

Dad is mistreating her, he beats her don't you ever wonder why she takes those extended spa trips?

She's going to a hospital, then a rehab making the claim that she is falling from being so drunk, the cover is that she has a drinking problem and this protects him. It prevents them from asking the question - is your husband abusing you?

Doesn't matter she's a fucking slut; she's sleeping with her fiancés son of all things, really? That's your argument?

I walk over to Cecilia who has this look of total bewilderment on her face.

How are you doing?

She doesn't respond, at least not right away, she reaches out to a glass of wine, takes a sip, tears streaming down her face, mascara running in long black wiggly lines.

I sit down next to her, I want to understand what the hell she was thinking, I am upset with her betrayal of our father.

It happened, your father had been especially brutal one weekend, and then he went on a trip, on this weekend I didn't check into the rehab, I stayed home. Chris came over to check on your Dad, when he came in he heard me crying.

He walked into the room and found me on the floor, my eyes almost closed, my mouth swollen, and bruises on my neck from your dad choking me. He reached down and grabbed me, asks if someone had broken into the house and did that to me.

I told him no, he asked who then, I didn't say. He finally figured it must have been your father.

I begged him not to confront your father, that I loved him and didn't want him to get into trouble, typical battered wife syndrome and all you know.

I'm sorry he did this to you; I promise I will find out what needs to be done to get help for him.

Help, help for him don't you think he has tried over the years, the children he loves and wouldn't harm any of you, but his women, his women we go through hell to be with him.

He can be this sweet, caring and nurturing man, a King that makes you feel like a queen, like you are the center of everything. Then in the same breath he turns and becomes this inhuman monster hell-bent on making you suffer for every perceived wrong, perceived indiscretion and he just loses all control, it's horrible, do you hear me horrible.

She is shaking as if she's been stranded out on an iceberg.

He lips quivering, hands shaking as she tries to take another sip of her wine.

I'm conflicted, while I don't agree with a man hitting a woman at all; she is having an affair with my brother, her fiancés son.

So how did this thing with you and Chris kick off?

He took an interest in my safety, he genuinely gave a shit about me, he was someone I could talk too he made me feel good about myself.

And from there I just developed feelings for him, and that's how it began, actually he told me that he was immediately attracted to me when he first saw me. I was flattered.

You do realize that he is your fiancés son, there is just too much wrong here, if it was that bad you should have just left him like our mother did. But instead you decide its ok to sleep with his son?

Chris made me feel safe.

Yeah that may be, but your also comfortable with the lifestyle my dad has afforded you and that's what you really didn't want to lose.

I have my own money, my own house, my own businesses so nothing your father has I don't, I love him I do.

Right and that love translated to you fucking his son?

Cecilia I understand that he put you in a difficult situation; I just think you should have handled it better.

Boy shut that mouth. I hear Jessica shouting from behind me.

I look up and see her walking in the living room holding her glass of wine with her pinky finger sticking out, she places the glass on the table and reaches for a cigarette, lights it, offers the pack to Cecelia and myself before placing back into her Hermes purse.

Anton, what do you know about what this woman has had to endure, god knows if anyone can relate I can - she and I practically have the same scars.

At this point Cecelia is balling her eyes out, head in her hands, trembling. Jessica gets up, sits next to her and places her arms around Cecelia; she gently pushes her head to her shoulder.

I know how this must hurt my dear, I too cheated on him, that's how I had Chris, and I stayed to birth two more children with that psycho, in the end I had to save myself, it had to be to the point where I was more important than him, you have to get to that point my dear.

You're using Chris as a pillow, someone to soften the blows coming from his hands, someone to lick the wounds on your heart and kiss your pain away so you can go on, it just doesn't work and in the end the other person is the one holding your trash while you move on. You have to do something to save yourself, only it has to be from you for you.

I look at Jessica and Cecilia bonding, sisterhood of the traveling pants kind of thing.

Jessica is rubbing Cecilia's hair talking to her softly, I get up to look for Dad - I want, no I need to hear his side of this madness, and I need to know.

I look in the den he's not there, I look in his office and find him standing in front of his huge bay windows, on the table a bottle of scotch.

I walk up to him, he has the look of a captain lost at sea, frozen, and he turns his head, takes a sip of the scotch.

I love Chris, this doesn't change how I feel about him, I raised him he's my son.

I want to ask him to help make sense of this shit that's going on, I want to ask him to help me understand him, be there for him.

To be honest Anton, I don't blame her, or your mother for what they've done, I can be a bit of a monster.

And that's what I don't get Dad, this monster that everyone says you are it just does not make sense to me, all I know is your love but what I'm hearing is causing some confusion in how I feel.

Anton, I have a very bad temper with women, always have. I'm not nearly as bad as I used to be but trust me it's not a pleasant experience.

But Dad, I can't see it you have always been fair with us, stern when you needed to be, heavy handed if required but overall loving, this man who they're talking about I don't see him in you.

That son is the allure, I can hide that shit perfectly, but when it comes, I just don't have any control over the feelings. I know what you're going to say next, have I tried counseling, medication, therapy, tried it all, I would be good for a while but as always that monster would grow its head again.

There it is again that term Monster, what the hell, man what the hell.

Anton it's true, I've beat on them, it's not something I'm proud of, I've tried to get help like I said, but it doesn't stick and before you know it I'm back at it again. It's a vicious cycle son, one that I have tried to break for years.

An excuse, that's all you have are excuses?

What more do you want me to say?

I don't know Dad, I don't know, this is your shit.

Yes it is, you know I love you don't you Anton.

I know that you feel something for us, I know what you have shown me as a father, as a dad yes you have taken care of us this is true. But I'm not mom and I'm not Cecelia, these are the women you had an obligation to take care of, what you have done with that.

I'm not going to stand here and let you lecture to me boy, I gave you a good life, you never wanted for anything.

I wanted for a Mother.

He is silenced by that statement, he looks down and then his eyes drift towards the door, I turn and look and Cecilia standing there.

Frank, I want to tell you that I'm leaving.

She walks into the room, gently places her hand on my shoulder, she has stains of dried tear trails down her face her eyes are a glassy, red, worn.

I've loved you Frank, loved you from the first day I met you, loved how you took care of your children, even me.

With that I could overlook the anger, but when you started hitting me, things changed between us, you hurt me more than physical Frank and no man has that right, no man ever.

So you're leaving me for my Son?

Is that the reason you think I'm leaving you, for Chris?

Well isn't it, how could you, he's my son.

Seriously? Is that all you can think of, your damn ego?

She walks up to him and grabs his hand in both of hers.

I love you Frank, quite possibly more than anyone I have loved in a long while.

How can you say you loved me and going to bed with my son behind my back, I can see maybe a stranger you met on the street, but my son?

How can you say you love me while hitting and throwing me around, blacking my eyes and almost breaking my arms, bruising my ribs and tossing me around by my ankles?

I stand there in total fucking shock at the man she is describing, I have never seen the side of him that she is describing and it fucking haunts me.

Then in that instant the air around him transforms, and the rage and anger shifts the features of his face.

His shoulders hunched, his fist tighten like two wrecking balls, I walk in between them and stare him down, he looks at me breathing like bull in bull ring, staring past me at her.

He pushes past me and walks out of the room.

Is that how it ends Frank, by you walking away from me, I'm leaving Frank and don't call me. She says as he passes by, he continues to walk out the room and is gone from sight.

And that is just a small sample of what I've had to endure Anton, thank god you your brother and sister never had to go through that.

I don't believe I've ever seen that, I was literally scared but I'm not going to let him hit you.

It doesn't matter now.

So you're really going to leave, what about the business venture and the trip?

It's on him now Anton, we've organized enough of it where he can manage, not my problem anymore I just want some type of life where I'm not afraid. I was scared of him and I loved him, a damn merry-go-round of life, I think I'm getting off the ride here.

Are you leaving with Chris?

No, he was a safe place for me, I used him and I need to explain that to him, I need a clean break from all this.

With everything that he is going through tonight do you think that's a good idea to let him know that?

Of course you would think about your brother I totally understand, but tonight is a night of hurt, and life will heal everything in time, although the scars remain.

Then she leans in and kisses me on the cheek, rubs my face,

Anton you're a good man, you have this quality about you, but you hide it, you think it's a weakness. My dear boy it's not a weakness to be kind and loving, it's actually a strength that very few have but many of us desire.

You tell Chris that he is special no matter what was said tonight, and that I wish him well on his new journey, oh and I'll have one of my children come by and get the rest of my things.

With that she leaves, I watch as she gets into her car, and is gone in the night.

What a fucking night, I head out of the room looking around for anybody, I hear echoes of Jessica coming from the living room, I don't see Amanda or my Dad she would be with him being a daddy's girl and all.

So I walk towards the living room, there is Jessica and Chris on the couch looking like a toddler enthralled by the sight of their mother.

Anton, thank you for one hell of a night, and she raises her glass to me.

Where is Cecilia Anton I want to talk to her, man I'm glad it's out in the open, now we can be together, no secrets?

Really? -Chris, you still want to pursue Dads woman?

She's gone dude, she told me to tell you to take care.

What with not so much as a good-bye I don't believe you.

Look for yourself dude, her car is gone, come on man, that shit was just down right wrong man, you need to let that shit go for real.

Fuck you man, I found someone who believed in me and loved me.

Dude all you were to her was a place to hide, that's all no more, no less, the both of you shared a lie together. Let her go man.

Like I said fuck off man I'm going to find her.

He gets up and heads to the door, then just like that he is knocked down, our father sucker punches him, he falls to the floor, not quite out of it, then like a crazed maniac our father starts to kick him, he rolls onto his back, another kick and he slides across the hard wood floor into one of the stands, knocking over the lamp.

Chris starts throwing up, gagging, our father runs and picks him up by his hair, hits him in the face, Chris drops to the floor again.

All of you get the hell out of here, now and pick this piece of shit up off my floor.

Jessica runs over to Chris to help me and together we lift him off the floor each of us holding a side.

Amanda is nowhere to be found, figures she would side with him, she always does.

Now this is the Frank I know and loathe. Jessica says.

If you don't want to walk down memory lane with me I suggest you get the fuck out of here, I think we have a few years to catch up on.

I see a look come over Jessica's face, actually she transitions from sarcastic, to fear and now anger.

You do not scare me anymore Frank, I've been through your ring of fire and survived, I'm not the same frightened little girl you muscled around, so go ahead and try something you coward, I've got a thing or two for your ass.

He stands there, almost a smile as if he is enjoying this, yes they are correct I do not know who this man is, but I know I want to just go upside his head right now.

Why you looking at me like that Anton, you want to do something, you can't your immobilized by your indecision, all these years unable to make up your own fucking mind, well what now you want to do something, do you, if not get the fuck out of here.

Unbelievable, I'm devastated to the core; my heart is dropping and rising in my chest I love this man and he has transformed into some sort monster in a matter of hours.

Or is it simply a case of the monster coming out from hiding, I tend to believe that the latter is more the case.

We take Chris outside to Jessica's car, she opens the back door and we slide him in, he's still groggy from the booze, the drugs and our dads beating, not to mention whatever else is swirling around in his head.

We hear the sound of the door slamming shut behind us.

We get into the car.

And that Anton is what I suffered through for many years, only a lot worse, a lot worse.

I don't believe what I just saw, that can't be the man who raised us.

Oh that's him alright, just another version, just be glad that you never had to experience this until now, you where graced, it's just his women that he gave his ass and fist to kiss.

Why didn't you have him locked up, why didn't you take us away with you when you left?

Because I was being selfish didn't you hear a thing I was saying, I only wanted to save myself.

That's an honest answer, not what I wanted to hear, makes me like you even less, being honest here.

It is what it is Anton, and neither of us can change what is. Where can I take you?

You can drop me and Chris off at my place, do you need me to plug in into your GPS?

I know where you live Anton, what kind of mother I would be if I didn't know where you lived.

You really don't want an answer to that do you?

Figure of speech Anton, no need let's go.

We take off; Chris is lying on the back seat, eerily silent.

Hey man you ok, were heading to my place you can rest up there, I don't think you should be alone bro.

He doesn't respond, I look back at him, his eyes are open, yet blank there is nothing there almost as if he's in shock, some sort of coma.

Well Jessica, this the family reunion you dreamt of, I couldn't have wished for a better evening, thank you for all of this, really.

Anton, you do have a mouth on you son, you make me so proud just like your mamma.

I'm nothing like you, or him I'm better than that.

We get to my apartment, Chris jumps out the car, lights up a cigarette and stands still, taking long drags and letting the smoke cover his face.

Jessica gets out the car, walks over to him holding her arms out as if to hug him. He walks into her arms and slowly lifts his to return the embrace. They stand clutching each other; he buries his head into her shoulder, eyes blank and emotionless.

She stands back both hands on his arms, she reaches up and kisses him on the side of the face, then rubs his forehead slowly and gently, as warming as this is, the feeling is lost on me, the love and warmth of the moment cannot share the same space with the disgust and confusion I feel.

She walks towards me, with the same gesture of the embrace, I want to push her away, I do not, I accept the embrace, and I too slowly bring my arms up embrace my mother.

She leans back, and she is crying, her mascara running down her face her eyes bloodshot red, nose running, she embraces me again.

Anton, please forgive me, I love you all and have for many years wanted to be in your life, I was just afraid.

I've followed you your brother and sisters lives closely, even from a distance I was looking into your lives.

I just didn't know how to go about getting it back.

Jessica, you could have always come home to us, were your children, all we knew of you was what Dad said and it wasn't much. If you truly loved us as much as you say you would have made a way.

She looks up at me, placing both her hands on my face.

I didn't want to sacrifice the life I had built, and it seemed much simpler to avoid the issue all together. I comforted myself with the thought that you were all well off without me.

How can you comfort yourself with that thought if you knew our father was such a beast, beating on you, didn't you fear for us, that's the part I don't understand.

I don't know what to say Anton, it was a move to survive, that's all I wanted to do.

She walks off gets into the car and speeds off, Chris and I start to walk towards my apartment.

Anton, I'm fucking out of it, man what the fuck happened tonight?

Don't know man, a lot of shit to be sure, but this shit with you and Cecilia, dude what's up with that, I mean Dad's woman, what the fuck man?

The affair, it just happened man we were pain killers to each other and I caught feelings for her, was it wrong probably.

The Fallacy of Forever

Her hands are soft, they rub my back and it feels heavenly, I moan in pleasure, she gently tugs at my arm, rolling me over on my back my eyes are closed. She leans down placing her lips against my ear, I feel her breath slowly passing over me, I open my eyes to the light it blinds me at first, I try to focus everything is a blur.

The whisper slowly turns into a scream, a shrill scream, I want to clasp my ears, I can't move my arms, my legs, can't breathe, can't breathe.

I open my eyes; I'm in bed, alone, I sit up look around, my heart is beating fast, I'm soaked from sweating – what the fuck was that about.

I get up and head to the bathroom, strip down towel off and put on a bathrobe. I head out to the kitchen it's still dark outside, I check the clock its six am need to get ready to head to the office.

I get to the kitchen; see Chris making coffee, he looks rested that's good.

Sup Bro, making some coffee, you hungry?

Yeah I could eat some French toast and eggs?

That would be nice, I'd like that too, but you only have eggs and sausage brah.

That'll do, how are you man, you good?

I'm as good as I'm going to be for now all things considered.

We sit down and sip on our coffee, he lights up a cigarette we don't say a word. He looks up, the smoke from his cigarette floating in front of him, he leans exhales and more smoke floats out in front of him.

Hey Ant, I know this is some fucked up shit, I was fucking Dad's fiancée. But he was like beating on her like she was a dude, you should have seen her, she refused to go to the hospital so she wouldn't be put on the spot, she had busted up rips, swollen eyes and lips, arms bruised with grab marks, she told me that he would just go into a rant about something she did and pow, before she knew it she was on the floor seeing stars. He would be standing over her, with his fist balled, and from there he would kick her.

I wanted to confront him, tell him to stop, make him stop.

She wouldn't allow me; I couldn't make sense of it at all.

Then after about two months of me giving her a place to heal, tending to her wounds, it happened, we embraced, kissed and made love, we escaped into each other.

I fell in love with her Anton, she made me feel good about myself, and to be honest I hadn't felt that way with a woman in a very long time.

I get that; don't expect me to cosign that shit though. And don't compare my ways with women to what you did, he's our Dad, his future wife, you're soon to have been step mom.

I could compare and I was hoping that you would look at what I did with some empathy.

Nope, not going to happen Chris, even if he was such a brute with her, still wrong bro, not good at all. Come the fuck on man, he's our father for Christ sake.

That may be, but he's a son of a bitch that likes hitting women, look what he did to Jessica, he drove our mother away from us.

I am in a state of cognitive dissonance; this is truly some matrix type shit. Our father it appears is a woman abuser, yet to us his children he has shown nothing but mercy, love and tender kindness, support and patience, he has made us into independent successful adults and provided many happy memories and life changing experiences that we are sure to take with us all the days of our lives.

And yet the fact remains, he is an abuser.

Listen Chris, I'm going to check in on him in a couple of days, let this shit with Jessica and Cecilia chill for bit so tensions aren't high, then me and the old man will chop it up see what's what type shit.

I hear you Ant; I guess it wouldn't be a good idea if I came along?

Uhh, nah bruh, not at all I'll get back with you with what was said – cool?

It'll have to be, you ready to eat now?

Yeah man, I have to head to the office this morning see what's going on with the mag since Jessica brought it.

Shouldn't be too bad Anton, she does have a very lucrative and somewhat successful fashion empire, your resources should be quite good.

I cant argue you on that point, her business ventures are very profitable she has top notch industry contacts, but I'd still like to see how were going to run things now that she's in the mix, things are very fucking strange kid.

I want her man, I miss her Ant, and fuck you on this being wrong shit, I love her.

You fell in love; she fell on your dick.

Chris turns and walks towards the second bedroom, no words or replies, just a calm resignation.

I'm enjoying my breakfast Chris can really cook; I love my brother very much but this shit with Cecilia is crazy.

The smart TV loads the caller ID; I look up and see the call is from Cecilia.

I grab my iPhone; answer the call, Hello Cecilia.

Hi Anton, I wanted to call you and talk about the mess that is going on with me your Dad and Chris.

Really? I don't think I'm the one you should be talking to about mess Cecilia; perhaps you should be doing something about your own mess?

That may be, but I still feel bad about what's happening to your Dad.

Funny, in all this you haven't mentioned Chris, why is that?

I care about Chris; he was there for me when I needed someone.

And now you don't - need him anymore, because it was really weird that you just kinda disappeared on us all.

I had to go Anton, the night was already a mess and there was nothing else anyone could do.

Yep, the mess that is you.

You can feel that way if you want, is Chris there I'd like to speak to him.

I don't think that's a good idea Cecilia.

Not for you to say Anton, please put Chris on so I can talk with him.

I place the phone on hold and intercom Chris.

Yeah man, I'm laying down dude, I'm fucking tired.

Its Cecilia, you want to talk to her?

Yeah I do, hold on I'll be right out.

Ok Cecilia, he wants to talk he'll be right out.

Chris walks out of the bedroom; he looks strangely relaxed it's weird.

Ant put that shit on speaker dude.

I'm not going to argue that point, I place the call on speaker, lay the phone down on the kitchen table, I take a seat on the barstool, he walks over to the table, bends down and rest his arms on the counter.

I'm here Cecilia.

Am I on speaker?

Yeah its ok, Anton can hear this, aren't you tired of secrets?

I am, but I wanted to talk to you in private about what's going on and why I did what I did.

No matter Cece, this is as private as its going to get right now, so what's up?

Chris you don't sound like yourself baby.

Really, after you dropped the bomb and just vanished on me, after all I suffered through to be with you, after all I sacrificed for you, and to find out I was just an emotional bus stop for you.

Chris, you can't make me out to be the bad person here, we both played a part in this.

And you're so fucking right; you made me fall in love with you, while trying to hold on to our father.

You know what he was doing to me, you saw it firsthand yourself, why are you acting this way to me right now?

Because you fucking used me that's why, I'm fucking hurt because I have mad feelings for you Cecelia, I was hoping that we would be together, you and me and this is what I get for licking your wounds, kicked in the balls.

I didn't know what else to do Chris, I was scared.

Scared of what, I was right there, I would not let him do anything else to you, and once he realized that he would have to go through me to get to you everything would have changed. I love you Cecilia.

I care about you Chris, I do you're a sweet, sweet man.

But you don't love me?

I love your father; he has called and told me he forgives me, the Africa trip is back on so I'll be leaving with him.

I watch as Chris closes his eyes, he grabs the end of the table takes a deep, deep sign.

Cecilia I love you so much you know I do, how can you do this to me? We talked so much about starting over and making a better life for ourselves, finally I believed that I found someone who understands me, I love you baby.

Chris, you're a sweet, sweet man and I can't thank you enough for what you've done for me, honestly I wouldn't have made it this far if not for you baby.

I stand here completely beside myself, floored by the hypocrisy taking place before me. I watch Chris trembling, sobbing uncontrollably like a five year old who's just lost his favorite toy, what the fuck is this shit.

Cecelia, baby, don't you know how much I love you, how much I sacrificed for you, you made me feel whole again, more than a man, he's going to hurt you and hurt you, don't leave me please don't leave me we said we'd be together forever.

This is just too fucking hard to watch, forever is a fallacy something the poets made up to sell us on the idea of love that last - what bullshit.

Chris, I don't know what to say to you, you know how I feel about you, what you did for me goes without words, I can't describe how you made me feel, I needed you for the time I had you, but I honestly love your father and I believe he will change and be a better man. I have to give this another chance I have to.

And how many times has he said that to you, ten, twenty, thirty times the same line, how many times?

I believe him this time Chris, something different in his voice.

I love you Cece, you mean everything to me, please, please reconsider what you're doing, if even for your own safety.

I have given this a great amount of thought Chris, and this is something that I must do, I know it just doesn't make sense to you, but I love him, and I'm so, so sorry for involving you in this, I just want to make it work.

I pray that you're not looking up at his balled fist instead of loving hands, that you're not crying through swollen eyes or breathing through cracked ribs, I worry for you and I don't want to see that because I care about you.

I know you do Chris, but I truly think that he has changed and that we can make it work, I only wanted to call you and explain myself to you.

I feel bad for my brother, he is getting his heart handed to him, and at the same time I'm upset that he didn't respect our father enough to keep his hands to himself no matter the excuse.

Bye Chris, please don't call me.

And how am I supposed to be around you and my father?

I don't know Chris, you'll have to sort that out for yourself I've made peace with my actions and your father has forgiven me, bye Chris.

She hangs up; he stands still, head down, tears falling on the table snot dropping from his nose, sobbing, this is the sound of Love leaving.

How can she do this to me Anton, I need her so much.

Dude do you hear yourself, she's our dads woman, come on man this is like some Greek tragedy type shit.

Say what you want man; I thought I found the one; I don't give a shit how it happened I love her.

Chris, bro I'm sorry you're going through this dude, it sucks for sure, and to be truthful you kept this shit from me, I'm surprised at you.

Because I knew you wouldn't approve.

You're fucking right dude, even in your passion you knew this shit was wrong.

Fuck you man.

I walk over to comfort him; he pushes my hand away, walks back towards the bedroom slams the door screams.

I shake my head; I'm thoroughly confused by it all.

I finish drinking my coffee and head out to the office.

I look back at the door, I can still hear him crying love doesn't feel like this, and then I think about Sonia and how she makes me feel, I start to equate that to what he is going through and I don't want to go through the same thing and the wall that she was scaling has become higher.

Building the perfect Wrecking Ball

I'm headed to the office, so much traffic its nuts but that's Atlanta for you, and god please don't let it rain the streets shine with blue lights and tow trucks.

So with that I take it easy and remove my ego from behind the steering wheel, my phone rings I press the answer button on the steering column, its Sonia and my stomach knots up on me, weird wasn't expecting that.

Hey girl how you doing?

I'm good and you?

I'm ok, what happened I thought you would be at the crib when I got there?

I had to run out handle some business, what you up to today want to meet for lunch?

Sounds like a plan, it'll be a late lunch got a busy day ahead with the magazine, first day since my Mother has taken over operations so we need to understand her vision and the direction she wants to take us.

Yeah sounds like you have a busy day ahead of you tell you what, why don't I get us a room at the Hyatt in Buckhead, order room service and you can use me as a plate.

Girl, you know how to ask a brother out, you're on.

I'll get the room setup and keep it hot for you baby.

I feel my dick get hard at the thought of being with her.

We hang up I finally get through traffic I get to the office head up the elevator. Its buzzing with activity, decorators changing the wallpaper, offices being redone the receptionist desk is getting a much needed facelift, she is dumping money into the office, I raise my eyebrow to it all. And here she comes, Ms. Prada herself walking to me with arms open, an iPad in one hand and iPhone in another her personal assistants in tow.

Anton, my boy welcome as you can see things are progressing nicely.

Hello Jessica, I see you've been quite busy here.

I feel good things for you guys here, I hired some of Atlanta's best designers, I believe an extravagant environment produce's extravagant results, that where you work should simply ooze success, money and luxury.

She has a point, our clients will no doubt be impressed, we already have a good reputation in the fashion industry this will accentuate that with the look of success.

I commissioned the work to be done over the weekend they've been working around the clock to get this done, the larger offices should take a couple of weeks but already the improvements are inspirational don't you think?

Yes, I must say it is and my office?

My dear that was the first room I had done.

A bit of Nepotism eh Jessica?

Fuck em, my money my son.

I smirk; I see where my smart ass mouth came from.

What exactly are your plans for us now are we going to do a staff meeting and receive new direction?

Not needed, you guys are super successful already; my desire is to provide you with a larger stage to play on.

Anton, I have been watching your career very closely, I saw the way you guys covered Africa Fashion Week - you displayed international reach into a burgeoning fashion arena.

Thank you, that was one of our best efforts an amazing experience.

I can imagine I have been involved in many events such as that to name a few Paris fashion week, New York fashion week, LA fashion week, and every event a treasure to experience in its own right.

But you guys broke into an area that is quickly becoming the darling of the fashion industry due to its original and raw talent, not polluted by western ideas and taste, simply beautiful.

Yes the way they incorporate textures and colors and blend it with culture with a modernistic flare is remarkable.

The talent there is limitless because their imaginations are not tethered to trends its refreshing and I look forward to covering more events there.

Exactly what I'm here for Anton, we have an office in South Africa that is ripe for you, and I'm giving you an overseas office there.

My heart drops, my jaw opens and I hug her, she stands hands to her sides frozen at first, then she returns the hug slowly then tightly.

We embrace and within a matter of minutes we both begin to cry.

She pushes back both hands on my arms, smiling at me, tears running down her face, her eyes are glowing she examines me with this smile on her face, then looks me square in the eyes.

I love you Anton, I love Chris and your sister all very much. I have watched the growth of you guys, I'm so proud of how you've all have turned out although I've got to say that Chris needs some work.

We laugh

Your sister is attached to your father, afraid of the world, maybe he feels like he's protecting her from the monsters he knows are out there, monsters he plays in the shadows with himself, none the less she has potential too.

But you my boy, you have made me the proudest, it's not that I favor you over them; it's just that you're most like me I see it even more so being around you.

Jessica, I, I

Speechless aren't you, it's okay you don't have to have an answer for everything in life that happens, sometimes the answers comes after the event; I think they call that wisdom.

I love you Anton, and I want you to be more successful than both your father and me, I built this empire to hand off eventually, that was always my intention.

But why did you stay away from us for so long Jessica, why when we, I, needed you the most.

Like I said Anton, selfishness that's all there is too it, self fucking preservation.

I appreciate your honesty.

What did Scarface say; all I have in this world is my balls and my word.

Really - Mother?

She looks at me like she's just seen the most beautiful thing in the world, the first time I called her Mother since she arrived. She hugs me again and kisses me on the cheek. We begin our walk to my office, she has a hold of my arm.

So Anton, do you have anyone special in your life?

I've got a friend.

Please whatever you do, no more YouTube.

I'm embarrassed, you saw that?

Who hasn't seem that, you where the poster boy for cheating boyfriends.

Yeah I was in a different place then.

And now?

Can't explain this place always had a desire to be in love, but I was take it or fucking leave it, and now, I can't shake it.

I hope she's worthy of you.

She's different, independent strong and successful.

Sounds like my kind of girl, can stand on her own two feet.

I think she's good off her feet too but that thought is for me, as I think the thought a slight smile crawls up the side of my face, she lifts an eyebrow as if she was reading my mind.

We walk up to a huge smoked glass wall, she pushes on the handle and the door slides open to reveal my office.

Beautifully crafted leather sofa, huge steel and glass desk, floor to ceiling glass windows overlooking downtown Atlanta, fifty-five inch ultra-thin curved flat screen TV mounted.

A bar in the wall with a blue light illuminating the background and high back bar stools.

She walks over to the bar, prepares a drink for me.

A toast my son to your success, to Love life and everything in between.

We drink the Makers Mark in our rock glasses, we both love bourbon.

Anton, I leave my more than capable assistants in your care, they have been directed to see the redesign of the office to completion, and expenses have been covered.

You have an Ipad on your desk with the details of what's being done; also you have access to the updated funds available in your business account.

Architectural diagrams are available for you to review and update as you see fit, in essence my boy it's your show.

Where are you going?

I've had my share of the states, heading back to my hedonistic and decadent chateau in the hills of France and my young stud. She purses her lips at me.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

I know you do Anton, and while money can't buy love, a new jaguar can't hurt. I do love you Anton

I don't know what to say I give her a hug she kisses me and wipes the lipstick from my face with her thump while cupping my face with her hand.

With that she turns walks out with the same grace she walked towards me with. If I can say anything about her is that she is truly a product of this business, her tailored Tom Ford pant suit, red bottoms, and her brown and gray hair tied up tightly in a bun with her Huge DKNY glasses - classy.

I turn and look out the window, the morning sun gleaming off the Atlanta skyline. I cross my arms and feel a sense of hope and confidence about my future and the magazine.

I walk around the office the flurry of activity is amazing; the staff look enthusiastic, energized and happy.

A cloud quickly hovers in and blocks the sun of this accomplishment, I think about Chris and Dad. More so for Chris, the woman he fell in love with albeit under questionable circumstances has left him. My dad has her back and is not alone, Chris is alone and hurt.

His desperation had him vulnerable to easy manipulation. He was used as an emotional crutch, and like a crutch which is only temporary once the healing set in quickly discarded.

My phone rings its Sonia.

Hey you what's up?

Nothing much how are you doing?

I'm at the room, its 11:30 and I have an itch.

Oh you do now; well I got your scratcher right here.

Not doing me any good over there, get your sexy ass over here to me now.

Room number and name and I'll be there.

She sends me the room number tells me a key is at the front desk waiting.

The Hyatt is not far from the office, I can walk it, I stop by the florist pick up a dozen long stem red roses with baby breathes, the first time I brought a woman flowers in a long time.

I get the card key from the front desk, head to the elevator, excited is an understatement, I try to tame my thoughts so I don't get a hard on while walking to the room, doesn't work, I cross my hands in front of me to cover my rising bulge.

I slide the key over the door and walk in, the room smells of lilacs and jasmine, candles lit, curtains drawn, she walks out to me naked and shining oiled up.

She approaches me slowly, smiling, I place the flowers in between us, she looks at them smiles and then places them to the side I look at that ass, my god almighty that ass.

You like that ass don't you?

You know I do.

What about the rest of me?

I like that even more.

We kiss long strong and passionate, our tongues going back and forth speaking their own language.

I grab her ass in my hands, a cheek for each hand and it is firm and bouncy, feels like my dicks breaking out of my pants like the hulk through Bruce Banner's clothes.

She grabs my bulge, caresses my manhood, I take off my shirt, she helps me pull my pants down, my dick bounces like it's on a spring.

She bends down, licks the head, then slowly takes me in her warm mouth, shit I'm about to cum already I gently pull her up to me.

Hmmm baby your about to me make me explode all over you.

And what's wrong with that I like cum showers from you.

You dirty girl.

Make me even dirtier.

I like this woman, she is open and passionate and when were together I feel like it's just the two of us and only the two of us, no past or future just the now and its fucking amazing.

She looks at me with those big brown eyes and I lose myself in the beauty of her soul, I can see it and the shit is cosmic.

She looks at me hands on my chest she then embraces me, places her head on my bare chest, she turns her head inward and kisses my chest, softly, slowly, her lips wet, her tongue up and down the middle of my chest down my belly over my dick. She looks up at me with those fucking eyes and I melt inside and this shit just feels like a dream – perfect.

I missed you Anton, I didn't think I would feel this way about one man in a while, to be honest I wasn't expecting to feel anything this intense for anyone.

So what changed? I say while kissing her neck and caressing her back, pulling her long hair to the side of shoulder.

You changed me, your honesty about how you feel, and your success I must admit attracted me to you, because it shows you have dedication and discipline.

Really you like I don't need your money?

I like that you can bring something to the table, I think it's attractive on you.

I like that you have your shit together too, I'm tired of woman who live raggedy and messy lives. Try to make a brother feel some type of way because he won't share the bank account and the keys to the kingdom for what, pussy, fuck that I'd rather jerk off then be with a selfish woman.

The same here, since I've been in the A once a dude sees how I'm living they want to run that game and try to move in and shit, that's why I was doing the friends with benefits thing, I just don't have the time or energy for men who want a woman to take care of them.

What's wrong with a man wanting a woman to take care of him?

You know what I mean Anton, the dudes who say they have this and that going on than the next thing you know their living with and off you, sucking the air out of life they offer nothing and take everything lazy bastards.

Hey kitten you sound like you have some experience with that I can feel the bitterness and anger as you speak.

You should have seen your face, my hard on all but disappeared, my dick retracted in fear.

Anton, I'm serious please listen to me for moment.

She grabs my hand, turns and walks to the bedroom, I look around smell the candles, and the warmth of the room embraces and caresses me because she has taken great care to arrange everything.

Sonia, I love what you've done here, it's so beautiful.

You noticed, you noticed, Anton that's why I'm so attracted to you, you pay attention to me all of me.

You don't just want to fuck me you want to love me, you want to be with me - around me, and that makes me want to be around you.

Sonia, from the first time I saw you in the book store I wanted you, couldn't understand it, but the more I got to know you the more I desired you, and when we made love that totally fucked me up.

Anton, baby I'm tired of dating I want to be wanted by someone, I want to be loved and appreciated to know that I'm all that matters to him, that I'm in his heart.

She is giving me the speech, the let's get serious and be together speech. Her voice softens almost to a hush; she's looking directly in my eyes, right in my eyes. I return the gaze, I have never seen her this way and I don't know how to react, this female version of me, so cool calm and collected is speaking to me in a crackling stuttering voice and I am speechless because she looks so damn beautiful to me right now, and so I return the gaze meet her eyes and lock on to her mouth, I look her up and down and kiss her softly on her lips, I pull her close to me and kiss her neck, she wraps her arms around my waist, slides her hands up my back, opens her palms and pushes me closer to her, we embrace and are lost in each other. And something happens, something unexpected, I feel a heat slide over my chest, down to my stomach and it feels euphoric, my head feels like its being pumped with helium.

I get short of breathe, my skin breaks out in a sweat and I bury my head into her shoulder, and pull her closer to my chest as if I was trying to make her part of my body.

Sonia, I have been a stealer of hearts a thief in the night, taking but never giving. Hearts have fallen before me and broken into a million tiny pieces. And in watching this, my response as always has been to walk away.

I have not enjoyed the warmth of an open heart on my own, I have not allowed myself the luxury of love, and if it wasn't for the events of the last few days I don't think I would recognize it if it jumped up and slapped me in the face. I would spend days looking in the mirror Wondering why I couldn't fall in love, why I couldn't allow anyone to get into my heart, why I refused to drop the drawbridge and just let it in relax to it. And in the end I simply acquiesced to what I believed to be my truth, that I was simply incapable of that type of feeling for a woman.

So what happened to change that Anton?

You see baby, that's why I'm so fucked up about you, I just shared some really dark detached shit about me and you held me tighter as I was talking, you weren't repulsed by it.

Anton I really want to be with you, I made up my mind, after a lot of thought this is what I want I want you.

I want you so bad I can't think of anything else.

I lean down and kiss her again, long and passionate, long and sweet, long and seductively, and I am lost to it.

And then I hear my voice in my head saying - You'll never be in love, she's going to hurt you if you let her in, stop it now and be a man, don't let her in, she's going to leave you alone for someone else and you'll be alone broken and defeated. That's my narrative to falling in love, fear.

Sonia, since meeting my mother and seeing all the things that have been going on with my family I think I finally understand what the fuck is going on with me and commitment. You see my mother left us; I had the closest relationship with her and felt her departure the most.

I made an oath to myself at that age that I would not let any woman hurt me the way my mother has, I wasn't going to let a woman into my heart and I wasn't going to love them back, I reasoned that the best way not to get my heart handed to me on a buffet table was to avoid falling in love.

That may have worked for you, but what about the women Anton, you do know that we are made to love and nurture, it's in our nature, and you do know Anton - you're very lovable it would be hard for a woman not to develop feelings for you.

It appears that way, I simply used it to my advantage, lying to myself each time things went bad that they had done something I couldn't forgive, that they broke some code of conduct and I would cast them off to Siberia.

In reality I was pulling back in the relationship, I was detaching myself, here I had provided all this warmth and now it was the artic with no explanation I would damn them make them hate me to the point where leaving seemed like the most logical thing to do.

You pushed them away, why? Because you were afraid they would do to you what you thought your mother had done?

So you categorized every woman as this type of person, with judgment passed before a trial of proof could even be presented?

I did, and now that I know my mother didn't leave us because she didn't love us, she left to save her life. She left because my father gave her that as her only choice and so she took it. Having spent time with her I see that now, especially with the fallout from all the shit that went down with him and his fiancé.

What shit Anton?

That's another story for another time baby suffice it to say I never knew my father was that type of man.

He raised us in a loving and disciplined household; we never wanted for anything growing up, traveled the world, the very best of everything you could ask for.

He was there at all our conferences, all our graduations, all our plays. He was there to wipe away the tears and scare away the monsters at night.

I love that man because he showed me what a man is supposed to be from day to day – you fucking show up and handle shit, I learned that from him. But the one thing that was missing was the love from a woman, a mother, funny now that I look back at everything I notice how he never had us meet anyone, we wondered if he was lonely if he dated but he always seemed so well adjusted and so we let the thought pass.

We thought our mother abandoned us to live a life of luxury, that she felt we were a burden an embarrassment and that felt she would be better off without her children, my first rejection and I said to myself I will never ever allow a woman to make me feel rejection , fuck em all.

Wow, Anton that's pretty harsh baby, no man can live without the love of a woman no man, it's the fuel to the fire, the wind in the sails, and the gas in the tank.

Yes a good woman can be that I suppose she can also be the spark that burns everything down or lights the bomb that obliterates every fucking thing in sight.

So can a man Anton, as a matter of fact the very thing you tried to avoid you actually became to the women in your life, you engulfed their hopes and dreams in flames, burned up their love like flash paper and blew it in the wind with a puff, like it never mattered, you became the thing you tried to avoid and meted out the pain in a premeditated fashion, your self-fulfilling prophecies are the ranting's of spoiled and scared little boy.

You're a real bitch.

Shit don't feel good does it, good your human after all, do me a favor?

What

Make love to me; please make love to me like you mean it.

I don't say a word; I lean her back on the bed, grab her titties in my hand, lick her navel slowly creeping down to her clit. I pull it in my teeth and suck on it I take my tongue and slide it down into her pussy, I love her clean pussy it smells like flowers, I nestle my head into her, place her legs on my shoulders and take my tongue and thrust it in and out, then lick up to her clit, she is pulling the sheets off the bed, her back is arched. I grab her ass, that ass oh my god that fucking ass, I want to put my hard throbbing dick in her wet pussy, but not yet, not yet.

Stop teasing me Anton, your teasing me with the dick, and you know I want it I want it so bad, I want you so bad right now, I'm falling for you baby, I'm falling for you.

I stop doing what I'm doing so I can look at her and let the words she has spoken marinate in my soul. I look at the way the light is bouncing off her and I feel something too. She is glowing right now and I am in so much ecstasy at the thought of being with her.

I feel myself let go for the moment and she gets in, she gets into the place that I have kept secret from all the women I dated, from all the women I have thought about and it feels different, it feels like something from the movies.

I finish eating her pussy, licking it and she taste so intoxicating to me, I am drunk with her and all I want to do is make love to her tonight and the next night and forever, and I can't believe I said that word, forever what the hell is going on with this woman what is she doing to me.

She grabs the back of my neck with her hands and slowly caresses it, she brings her hands from the back of my neck to the front of my head, she places her hands under my arms and gently tugs me upwards to her, we greet and she kisses my neck, she kisses my eyes, we turn and kiss each other on the lips, very softly, so soft that a long string of spit slides from my lips onto her chin, she smiles at me, but the kind of smile that says a thousand words and spans across a million lifetimes, the kind of smile that men look for all their lives but never receive, it's not the smile but what's behind it, the source of the smile.

Her eyes close slightly, and she hugs me, tightly, kissing me all over my face, with soft gentle pecks, as she is doing this I am stroking her softly, my dick getting harder and harder and she feels fucking amazing to me.

I push up so I can look at her, our eyes meet in a long passionate gaze; our souls get locked in an embrace.

Her eyes, even in the dark I notice the hazel color of them, I slowly examine her face, and she is beautiful to me, every line of her face, every curve of her mouth.

I reach down and kiss her again, she pushes her head up to kiss me back, she grabs my ass and opens her legs more and I'm in deep, deep.

You like that daddy? She whispers to me.

It's yours if you want it baby, all yours for as long as you want it.

She opens up her pussy deep to me, I can't handle it and I feel my back arch the cum that I have feels like it's been waiting to happen this moment and its fucking cosmic. I gasp and gasp, and grunt, almost pulling the sheets off the bed.

She meets my orgasm with one of her own, I feel her nails dig into my back, she grabs hold of me ever so tightly her legs wrap around mine, and she screams, and moans and yells out my name.

We lay there limp, I on her, she kissing me, both of us exhausted and elated at the same time. She kissing my sweaty neck I lay there, not wanting to move, feeling dare I say at Home on her, what the fuck is going on?

Oh Anton, that was different, did you feel that baby?

I look at her as she is speaking to me and I can see how she is feeling right now.

Yes that was special, I never felt that way before baby.

You rocked my world girl.

You rocked my world a long time ago Anton, I was just being difficult because you took me off my game, I wasn't planning on getting serious with anyone, I just didn't think I could get to that point.

And I know what you mean baby, I didn't think I was capable of feeling anything close to what I'm feeling for you it feels good actually to let someone in.

She pulls me close to her, and whispers something in my ear.

I lean back and look at her trying to figure out what this is going to mean for us.

So you're telling me that you want us to be together like an item type thing?

Don't act coy Anton; you know what I'm asking.

Yeah I know what you're asking I'm just trying to soak up the moment, you cracked first.

Really, I recall you acting shy and clumsy the first time we made love, you recall that, I got you with the pussy and my head game that night boy.

You had me when I saw that ass.

Is that all you care about my ass?

No, but damn girl it was the bait to get this fish to bite and you know it.

Yeah I know that's why I wear those jeans.

Hmm in that case I declare those jeans a holiday.

So you don't want me to stop wearing them?

Why would I want that, you wear them well and why not show off that asset?

I don't know what to think about you Anton, any other man would be tripping over me wearing tight ass jeans.

I figure you know what you're doing, if you feel the need to wear some tight jeans and show off that bubble butt, more power to you, because at the end of the day that ass will be in my hands.

Is that all you want in your hands?

She says this to me laying back and stretching, her beautiful body glistening in front of me.

She giggles and turns over quickly like something a little girl would do, I turn sideways to engage her and we lay on our sides looking at each other, talking about our lives.

We drift off to sleep; it was a peaceful sleep, a type of spiritual rest of sorts.

I awake, relaxed the room has an aura about it I gaze over at her, her asleep, I rub her face with the back of my hand, she moves slightly, turning and reaching for me.

Even sleep she wants me, it's that deep – damn.

She has become the perfect wrecking ball, destroying my walls, breaking through my carefully crafted barriers.

I had believed that by not letting love in I would be spared any heartache, little did I know how much my heart was aching without it.

I get up and look out the window, the city is beautiful at night especially downtown Atlanta, the towers all set ablaze against the night sky, I stand naked in front of the window, I turn around and take a moment to enjoy looking at her asleep she takes my breathe away. I walk over to check my phone and I see that Amanda called; she never calls me I'm not in her circle of influence, so of course I'm puzzled.

I return her call quickly.

Good Bye, Hello and Talk to you later.

Hey Sis, what's up sorry I missed your call is everything ok?

Anton, I been trying to reach you all day where you been?

Uh yeah ok, I been right here, what's up because you don't ever call me?

It's Dad.

Is everything ok with him?

He's ok; he's getting ready to make the trip to Africa with that cheating bitch.

Nothing you can do about it sis, clearly he loves her.

Fuck that shit, she's a no good hoe damn trick laying up with her step son and cheating on him like that.

But what's wrong with you now, it looks like nothing has changed and the plans are back on.

I'm not going with them, he changed that plan.

You're upset that he's not taking you along?

Hell yes, he knows how much this trip meant to me, I had plans to enjoy Africa.

You mean African men?

To hell with you Anton, she just got back and changed the whole game up I can't stand her.

I hear my baby sister singing the blues, she feels like this woman is going to take her place.

Amanda, let Dad have this.

Why?

Because he deserves happiness like the rest of us, besides you'll have the house all to yourself that's got to be worth the price of admission right there.

Anton I wanted to go with him to Africa, can you please come over and speak to him he won't listen to me.

What? He won't listen to his baby girl? Oh you're fucked.

I'll come over but not to talk about the trip.

Why not Anton, I've spoken up for you numerous times, Dad has complained about your excesses he wanted to cut you off at the knees I'm talking about cutting you off from everything - you hear me he wanted to cut you off from everything.

I never knew that Amanda.

Yeah well now you know big bro.

Ok Amanda you can meet me at the Southern Arts in Buckhead we can chop it up over a steak and figure this thing out ok.

She is silent; I begin to hear her start to sniffle.

Hey girls are you crying?

She doesn't say a word.

What's wrong?

I don't want to lose my Daddy to that woman.

But you're not losing him Amanda.

Yes I am he doesn't want me to go on the trip with him. Africa will be there, just meet me at SA in a couple of hours we can talk about it.

Ok Anton, I'll see you there.

We hang up, my kid sister is so spoiled, she doesn't want to relinquish anything to any woman, not that this time is different than any other.

She never wanted him to be with anybody, no woman was good enough for him.

But this time something has happened, the curtain has been pulled back on his secrets to openly expose his darkness.

And instead of burrowing down deeper into his self and locking the door he's embraced the monster that has been brought to the light.

He's made no excuses for his behavior but come to think of it he hasn't made any apologies either.

I walk over to Sonia; jump in the bed next to her, I kiss her nipples, her belly.

Her eyes open slightly, she whispers to me - Don't start something I can't finish.

I'm just trying to wake you up baby.

What you got some morning wood for me?

More like evening rod..

Hmmm, then go ahead and plant that rod.

We laugh, make love again and shower.

Were on the elevator heading down to check out, she's holding my arm her head on my shoulder, her eyes relaxed and filled with joy.

I'm supposed to meet Amanda at Southern Arts right down the street; we have to talk about the mess that's going on with our dad.

Do you want me to go home?

No baby, I want you with me.

She smiles we head down the street to the Southern Arts restaurant, walking down Peachtree at night in the summer.

We get to the restaurant I see Amanda sitting outside with a tall glass of red wine.

The waiter sits us at the table, she looks up at Sonia, smiles politely then gives me a - what the fuck is she doing here look.

We sit I tell her to chill out that I want her to be there.

Hey Sis, you remember Sonia from the party at Dads house?

She smiles, the kind of smile with her teeth closed and her mouth tensely pursed, she clearly does not want her to be here.

I attribute this to her not feeling like the center of the universe anymore because our father has other plans.

Hi Sonia, nice to see you again, how are you doing?

I'm doing just fine, I know you wanted to chill with your brother and talk about things he insisted that I come believe me I respect your privacy.

I look at Sonia and kiss her on the cheek.

Listen Amanda, Sonia and I are together.

You're together as in boyfriend girlfriend?

Well not quite that adolescent but that's the general idea.

You're calling me juvenile?

Even around guest she refuses to be polite.

Not at all Amanda I like being around her.

Anton its cool baby, listen I can catch up with you later tonight, you and your baby sister can be alone.

Amanda it was nice to meet you again, I hope that everything works out for you.

She kisses me and walks off.

What the fuck does that mean everything works out for you?

Anton, you know you're not the best with keeping a woman, eventually they leave, in tears hating your guts

Well she's gone now you fucking happy damn.

What the hell Anton she's not family I don't want to share this with anybody this is our business nobody else's, why did you invite someone here to our talk you know I'm not good with sharing my feelings with anyone other than family.

And in that moment I'm calm because I reflect on the afternoon I just finished with Sonia I am so happy right now, this must be what that feeling is like when you have someone on your mind that you care about.

I sit back and listen to her I am concerned about what she's going through right now, spoiled or not she is my sister and I love her.

Ok Amanda, I get it, I get it, but Dads going to do what he wants to do at the end of the day.

Yeah Anton, that may be and I understand that he needs to live his life and be happy, but this damn woman she is so full of shit and she cheated on him with Chris what the fuck.

Yep, that is some ratchet shit for sure, and I don't get it, you should have seen Chris he's all fucked up about the whole thing.

Fuck him, he knew what he was doing he betrayed all of us not just Dad.

How's dad doing with that, has he spoken about it?

He is pissed off at Chris, he feels like he raised us better than that.

He did, but we didn't know Dad liked hitting his women, that he ran off our mother and that he beat her to within inches of her life.

She looks incredulous at me; she is blind to his faults, daddy's girls.

So what

So what? So what - come on Amanda he has some shit with him.

He is our father Anton we should love him no matter what he does, he has always had our backs no matter what we've done, and how can we say we love him if we can't forgive him?

You think that's what he's doing with Cecelia, you think he wants to finally be happy and in love?

Not with her?

Why not, what did you just say to me about love and forgiveness?

She rolls her eyes and sucks her teeth, something about making a irrefutable point – there's no comeback for real shit.

Anton, you're not listening to me.

No I'm not cosigning your bullshit sis.

But what are we going to do about this, he is going to leave with her in a couple of days to Africa and he has been talking about getting married over there.

Amanda a lot has happened in the last few days, more than in the last few years.

I think we should go over there and wish him a good trip, show him we still love him no matter the choice.

I don't want to do that Anton, I want her to leave us alone.

Ahh, the truth comes out.

She takes a long drink of her wine, looks out over into Peachtree Street.

You think she is taking him away from you, you think that she is going to get what you have been getting, and that his being with her will cut into what he has been doing for you? You truly are a spoiled daddy's girl.

It's alright I'm sure he isn't going to cut you completely off yet, I mean what's that paper on your wall at home, oh yes it's a law degree, oh my god you will actually have to work for a living, that's gotta be a fucking nightmare.

Anton, you know I love Dad; can't you see he's making a mistake with her he should let her go once and for all.

And why Amanda, I agree what she did was wrong, and I'm equally upset with Chris.

Don't get me started on him Anton.

Amanda's phone buzzes, its Dad

Hey Dad how are you doing?

She looks up at me, says she can hear Cecelia in the background, well not by name more like that bitch.

Your leaving in the morning, yes I know I'm at SA with Anton getting something to eat.

Ok, we'll be there see you I love you Daddy.

He wants to see us Anton, how did you get here?

I drove in, my cars at the office, I got lunch you go ahead and head over I'll catch up with you guys.

She rubs my hand puts her sunglasses on and struts out like a New York fashion model.

I pay the bill and head to the garage to get my car, on the way I give Sonia a call, I cannot get her off my mind.

Hey baby, I miss you already.

How cute Anton, I miss you too, so how was lunch with your sister?

It was difficult to watch, her warm cushy world is about to get real.

I can see she's a princess.

You have no idea; anyhow our Dad is going back to his woman, whom as you knows cheated on him with Chris.

He must have some very strong feelings for her, that's forgiveness.

I'm learning the freedom that comes from that.

So what's up now?

He wants to see us, apparently the trip to Africa is still on, he's leaving in the morning and wants to speak with us before he leaves I'm headed over there now.

Anton I know a lot has happened I want you to know that I got you baby.

I feel that Sonia, the night we had was like something I've never had with a woman before, I like you so very much, and I want to spend as much time with you as I can.

I cannot stop thinking about you and I want to be around you more and more.

I feel the same way Anton; I'm willing to see where this goes with us.

She said us, and that makes me feel good, I've had women talk about deepening the relationship with me, falling in love with me talking about forever and babies but I never felt the connection with them, not like I feel with Sonia. I read somewhere that we make chemical connections with our partners and mates.

These connections help determine how we pick our mates, were programmed to determine with whom we shall spend our time with and sometimes we can't help who we love it's just programmed in us. That can be good or it can be very, very bad, I suppose I've been the very bad choice to many, now that I've let my guard down and let in a woman, I'm both petrified because I've never allowed myself to be this vulnerable and excited, exited at the opportunity to have someone in my life who gets me totally.

Okay baby, I'll call you when this is over, I want to see you tonight, my place or yours?

Your place Anton, I want to cook breakfast for you naked while you hit it from the back.

Oooo girl you're naughty how you going to get the batter mixed.

It'll get mixed alright trust and believe.

You freakier then I am girl.

It's one of the things we have going on, although I like being around you more.

Yeah I get that, we have a healthy sexual appetite for each other - awesome, but we have even better face time too, and you want to know something else?

What's that baby?

I'm excited about getting to know you and letting you into my life.

I want that Anton, well I gotta go baby, need to finish up some drafts for my presentation, talk to you later.

Yeah baby I'll hit you up.

I hang up with Sonia, get in the car and exit the garage

I get caught in Buckhead traffic, I say call Chris, my onboard Bluetooth dials his number, it goes to voicemail.

I hang up, say Call Chris again, I do this three more times he is being evasive.

Yeah man, what?

Your alive, just checking on you dude, what's up?

Nothing man, I'm just not in the best of moods.

He takes a long drag on something inhales then exhales.

Getting stoned bro?

Yeah I found your stash, I know this bud its g, g, g, good.

Slow down man, that's some straight chronic there it'll plant you on your ass.

Then that's where I want to be man.

I got nothing but love for you, you know this right?

I know Anton, I know this, but seriously I thought I found the one this time.

And you knew this how? You said the same thing about Tequila and look how that turned out.

Fuck her man

I thought so, but as I recall you saying that she was the one, the sun sets and the moon rises around her.

And we wanted that for you, we did you looked so happy man.

And I was Anton, but dope ruled, my addiction fucked that happiness right in the ass.

What the fuck is going on with us Anton, why is it so damn hard to find a decent person to be with?

That's a good question Chris; I don't have the answer to that because I never gave a shit about anybody.

I wish I could be callous like that, not wear my heart outside my chest, the love bleeding out my eyes, I'm abuser bait.

And he's right it seems, many of his relationships have him taking in these stray chicks and trying to make a hoe into housewife, that shit doesn't work, but he has a penchant for scandalous women and he gets what he gets and wonders why?

I heard that if a certain type of person is continuously picked, every time - and the end result is always bad that's it's simply the same person with a different face, it is not the person picked that is at fault but the person picking.

Simply put perhaps your picker is broke.

He takes another hit, inhales holds it then exhales, gags and coughs.

And how does one fix that?

Don't know my man, that's your road to walk but aren't you tired of always being right here?

I'm tired of it yes, you make sense, when did you get to be so Zen, you've always been this out of touch shelled off egocentric self-centered son of bitch, now your dispensing Dr. Phil advice?

A lot has happened Chris, more than I have time to explain, suffice it to say I'm feeling a whole lot better about myself and more importantly others.

So Anton you can tell me bro, who is she, we men we don't make this type of change about life unless were feeling somebody really hard, this I know.

She was at Dad's party we had met earlier, she's different dude that's all I can say and she gets me.

Well don't trust her Ant whatever you do, don't trust her.

You see that's the thing, were not even in that space, we like chilling with each other, we don't have any expectations on each other and it's about learning each other. We're taking our time, each of us eager to work it out with the other, to be truthful man, she's a female version of me, and we both have a lot of shit with each other no lie.

Whatever man, I just don't want to see you where I'm at. Actually I don't ever recall you speaking about a woman like this so she must be special.

She is. Are you on the way? I want to tell him where I'm going but don't what to upset him.

Its ok man, I know you're going to Dads he and Cecilia they are getting ready to go to Africa. Amanda texted me I think she wants to cause some drama, that baby.

It is what it is Ant, nothing I can do about it, I'm not sorry for what I did though but she made her choice.

I love you Chris, Mi Casa Su Casa amigo.

Mucho gracias.

We hang up, traffic has cleared up and I make good time to Dad's house damn Paces Ferry gets so backed up, over population. It's become posh to live in Buckhead, Paces Ferry, North Side drive; all that building of homes but no roads are a pain in the ass.

I pull up to the house, I see Cecilia is here, Dad's Rubicon jeep is in the driveway and Amanda's Maserati is parked to the side.

I get out, and for some reason a long sigh pushes itself through my mouth, I straighten myself up and head in.

My first thought is to head to the bar, make myself a drink I look over at the bar and see Dad and Amanda, yeah it must be that type of party everybody needs a drink.

Hi Dad, Amanda you read my mind I think I need a drink too.

Come on in Anton, I'm glad you're here I take it you know about me and Cecilia?

Yes sir, I just want you to be happy, if this makes you happy then go for it.

Your Sister it appears does not approve.

Daddy, you know how I feel about her, I don't trust her.

Amanda honey as your father I understand your feelings towards her, she has come out to me and told me about what happened and I have no one to blame but myself.

Dad, you cannot blame yourself for someone cheating on you.

And why not, I set those events in motion by my actions. I have had a chance to really take a long hard look at myself, at what I have done.

He starts to cry, I have never seen this man cry and the tears are pouring out of him like they've been building up behind a dam for years and now the dam has broken.

I have done unspeakable things to the women in my life; I justified my actions by saying that at least I'm a decent enough father, as if the actions of one will wash away the actions of the other. A lie I have been walking around with for many years.

It took Jessica coming back and Cecelia having an affair with Chris for me to take a look at myself. I have been a monster wrecking the lives of those I touched.

But Daddy you've been so good to us, how can you say that?

Listen to yourself Amanda, I robbed you of your mother, you grew up not having that connection. That connection is so vital to a young lady developing into a woman, I can try but a man cannot teach a girl how to be a woman.

But you taught me what kind of man I want.

Man you want, when was the last time you've been in a relationship with a man Amanda? I don't remember you sustaining any type of man.

And you Anton, you leave women in your wake broken hearted and dejected. And poor Chris he just cannot seem to pick a winner, like a bad gambler addicted to losing.

I may have provided for you all in a financial way, but emotionally and spiritually I've bankrupted you. I couldn't give you something I didn't possess. I see that now.

But I have a chance to do better, she is willing to forgive me for my battering of her body, soul and heart, I can forgive her for trying to find shelter from the storm.

Now don't get me wrong the person she chose for her indiscretion is troublesome, and it may take me a bit to come to terms with it we'll see how that works out. For now we are willing to go for it.

She makes me want to be better than I am; don't begrudge me a chance to find real happiness. I love you all tremendously this you know. Cecilia loves me too; we are working on something that hopefully from the ashes and ruins of this mess can be something special.

Amanda is balling like a baby in his arms, he is crying and I start to tear up, I walk over to him and he hugs us both tightly.

This is not good bye think of it as I'll talk to you later, I'll be over there long enough to establish my export office, then Amanda I'll send for you and you can run that division. I even found a nice compound for you, the details have been sent to you email.

I look at her mouth the word Princess she smirks at me, that's all she wanted was not to feel left out.

We sit down and have dinner, Cecilia and Amanda sitting across from each other quietly the tension still in the air. Our Dad simply taking it in, he reaches out to grab Cecilia's hand she smiles and looks at him in a way that I have just recently experienced and I understand it now.

We finish dinner, I give Amanda a hug, I shake my father's hand he yanks me into his chest and smacks me in the back, places both his hands on my face tells me he loves me.

I look over at Cecelia don't have anything for her right now, maybe one day but in my mind she hurt two of the most important men in my life and I hold onto shit like that.

Bu that word keeps popping up in my head forgiveness and I think about Sonia, and the changes I'm making – this word will be huge in my life going forward but for now I'm being stubborn.

I pull off and peak in my rear view mirror as they all head back into the house. All of us have been cast into a road of self-discovery. A road that is untraveled and mysterious.

I call Sonia tell her I'm coming over to her spot because my brother is crashing at my place – she agrees, telling me she can't wait to see me.

I stop pick up a dozen long stem red roses, and a bottle of wine. I even pick up a romantic post card; write my thoughts in it, smiling all the way.

I get to her house she is outside waiting for me, I'm excited to see her, I hand her the wine and flowers she smells the flowers, kisses me softly on the lips then grabs my hand leads me into her house. I like the new me.

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About the Author

Arthur Neville is an avid geek who's been working with Information Technology or IT for the last 15 years, and I must say the current rate of technological evolution is staggering.

With six paternal children and eight grandchildren I have been blessed with a big family.

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